# Deciding Whether to Stop



## Freckles (Sep 10, 2004)

Hi Ladies,

I've been lurking on here for the last month or so and reading your posts is really helping me come to terms with the thoughts whirling through my head, but I think the timescales for me to make a decision have just shortened and I need some advice.

I have problems with fibroids, I've had 2 major ops in the last year to attempt to remove them but they aren't normal and are v hard to remove. I also have PCOS so we can't ttc naturally, but when I have IVF it makes my fibroids grow. We're due to have our last FET next week but even that isn't looking so good as I've started bleeding today and I think my cons might abandon it leaving us with some big decisions to make.

Everytime I see my cons he tells me that surrogacy is our best option and that if we decide to do it he won't do the FET. I'm finding it so hard to know what to do. On the one hand I'm trying to get used to the idea that we won't have our own children and then on the other hand I'm thinking maybe we could have a child if we go through surrogacy. But I just don't know how much more we should put ourselves through.

I have to have a hysterectomy as soon as we stop tx, and it's only 3 months since the last op so that on top of  all the failed tx feels like enough to deal with at the moment, without going into the unknown world and risks of surrogacy. On the other hand we're luckier than many in that we can still use my eggs and dh's swimmers.

I guess my question is, how on earth do you ever decide whether to stop or keep going with another route? I'm tired of it all but at the same time I don't feel ready to accept our situation. But then I'm scared if we do decide on surrogacy that we might end up with just more heartache and stress and still might not get a child at the end of it.

As you can tell I'm confused and would really appreciate the thoughts and advice from anyone who can make sense of my ramblings!

Sorry if I've gone on but it's helped to get this off my chest.

xxxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hi freckles

I saw your post and just wanted to send you a  as you seem to have lots of things to think about 

Sorry i cant help with your questions but im sure the lovely ladies on here will be able to help

love
suzie xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Freckles
Welcome onto the board and sharing things with us. It takes alot of guts to even write these things down and i am sure that wasn't an easy task. So i think you were very brave to make this first move of expressing your feelings and of course to share the dilemmas that you are going through at present.
I like Suzie want to send you a   because you have got alot going on at the moment. I am sure this has been an ongoing thing and a long and painful experience.. I hope that we can help in someway and i am sure there will be lots of positive input and support from the girls on the board....
Firstly i just want to say that i take my hat off to you, for even trying to balance all theses emotions and turmoil that both you and your partner are going through at the moment...
We all have different ways of dealing with things and the thing about IF it bring lots of painful emotions. Issues that go deeper than we can even imagine when we first started out... Its life changing and its soul destroying and i find it so sad that you are having to face some real life changing issues. I understand and to be honest even though my path has been so different to yours. I can totally empathise with how and what you are feeling at the moment. Like your head is going to explode, a deep feeling of not knowing where to turn....i could go on...
As i said we all take and do things differently but through personal experience, i feel that you cannot take everything on board all at once. It may be helpful for you to address one area and deal with that so that you have some sort of closure. This could be by talking to your Consultant truthfully and i understand it will hurt, but this could put things alittle more into perspective.( I apprieciate you may have done so already) but maybe he/she will give you a clearer path to make some sort of decision. The other way is getting a second opinion so that you know for sure that they are both saying the same things. This could possibly put your mind at rest.
I understand that you cannot go through anymore tx and so that puts an extra dilemma on things. Again that will slot into place when maybe you have talked things through with the Consultant, your partner and possibly seeking a counsellor...
This leads me onto the surrogacy and deciding whether to stop treatment all together....i am not sure you can look at those aspects until you deal with the presenting issues. Freckles you have so much going on and i apprieciate you not knowing what to do next. But what i am trying to say is calling it a day may happen, but only in its own time. So please be kind to yourself as there is so much going on, without adding to the pressure of what you are already going through.This comes with time and i feel that you are already going through a series of loss....
Would it be good for you to look for counselling? do they offer this at your clinic....
You see Freckles i am looking at your post and thinking you are dealing with alot of loss and huge changes that are so immenent in your life at the moment. How can you see the future at the moment when there is so much grief and heartache at the moment....alot has been taken away from you
Maybe sitting down with your partner and working out where you are going from here is a start? i know and believe that it will be painful for the both of you, but if you are together and find a path together then you will both find a way to deal with things....
I hope this isn't too mumbled jumbled...but i can only begin to imagine what you are going through and as i have said i don't know how you have delt with this all this time...BE kind to yourself, you deserve to be...
lots of love astridx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Freckles
Just read your post and wanted to send you a  . I'm so very sorry to hear of all you've been through. I think astrid has summed it up very well, and I agree that one issue at a time would be a good way to start coming to a decision. The one thing that sprang to mind when I read your post was how much you've been through physically...and that its only 3 months since your last op and then a possible hysterectomy after any treatment. I think one's health (ie your health) is really really important -(i know this goes without saying) It seems that your health has/is taking a real battering? It's so hard to come to these decisions, let alone explore them. I think the answer will 'emerge' for you -and you will be able to move forward in time - as we all will...but I totally understand the pain and confusion you are going through and would say please do 'talk' to us more, and explore your feelings if its helpful.

I think when to stop is such a hard thing - I swing from one extreme to the other several times during the course of one day! However, since I began exploring issues around stopping tx, I have been remembering some of the good things in my life that existed before ttc and are still around - not least my gorgeous dh  
Re surrogacy - I would say you still have time to explore and think about this - I know its so hard not to feel panicky and like time is running out (i feel this a lot) - but its not..You still have lots of time to be a mum this way if thats what you decide. But Astrid is right - this whole thing is life changing and soul destroying at times...so I really am wishing you all the very best with whatever you decide - and good luck.
Love ruby xxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Freckles,

Oh huni, your story sound so familiar.  It is so upsetting and difficult to deal with.

I think naturally, you are panicking about the future - which is SO easy to do!  I think it is difficult for you to make a decision at the moment because you are still sort of "in limboland".  You haven't completely finished this cycle and I think until this one is finished, (You will hopefully get your BFP) but if god forbid you don't you will need time to grieve and come to terms with THIS loss.  

You are also facing the double-whammy of having to deal with another loss regarding the impending hysterectomy.  This in itself is a huge issue to come to terms with which throws up a whole lot of other issues I'm sure i don't need to go into .......  Have you been offered counselling for any of this?  Its such alot to take on board all at once.  It's not for everyone but I think its a matter of finding the right counsellor and it may take a few different ones before you find the right one for you.

I think it is easy to put pressure on ourselves saying "right no more" and then a few months/years down the line, we can begin to wonder "what if"?  I think it is important to take some time for ourselves and our healing ..... go with the flow a little and not rush into any decisions.

You are still young and you never know whats round the corner or how you might feel in a year or two's time - I think the trick is, trying not to "ruin today by worrying about tomorrow" as my DH says I do ALL the time.

Just look after yourself take some time out and then maybe talk about your options once you've had time to lick your wounds.  Once you've spoken about your options together, you'll need MORE time to think about it all and take it all in and do what's best for you both.

Have you even thought about changing consulantants and having a 2nd opinion?  Maybe someone else would be willing to be a bit more flexible with you??

Just make sure at this moment in time, you look after yourself, try not to put any pressure on yourself in terms of future plans ....  Take it a day at a time, don't look forward .... don't look back.  That's the best advice I can give you just now huni.  

Good luck and let us know how you go
Love Gill xo


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## Freckles (Sep 10, 2004)

Thank you all so much for your wonderful words of support and advice.

The bleeding hasn't stopped, in fact it's got heavier and my cons doesn't feel we can go ahead if it continues. If I haven't stopped bleeding by Fri then we pull the plug.

Strangely I feel slight relief about it all. I've known for 6 weeks that our chances were slimmer than ever and that stopping ttc was almost inevitable, but as someone here said I've been in limboland. But finally that's coming to an end and we can begin to grieve properly and decide what to do next. 

I'm trying to take each day as it comes, it's so hard not to jump ahead of myself (patience is not one of my strong points!).

I have had a 2nd opinion from the gynae who did my first myomectomy - he didn't feel I should do the 2nd myo and refused to have anything to do with it. The 2 cons I'm with now felt it was my best option, sadly it hasn't helped but I still feel it was worth a go. They are now pushing for me to have a hysterectomy asap and although I could go back to the previous gynae I'm not sure what it will achieve. 

As for counselling, I actually work in the same office as a counsellor who does give me little pep talks, I had one formal session with her but I found it frustrating because I was talking about my probs but it didn't change anything. Coming on to this site is a good tonic for me as well as talking to my friends. 

Anyway, thanks again - I'm sure I'm going to have a few down days along the way and it's good to know that I've got somewhere to come.

xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Freckles
We are thinking of you!!
I hope that the bleeding has stopped....that must be making you feel so low and tired..
I feel so saddened that you are faced with such a major operation, it must be so difficult to digest for you both...I am not quite sure what to say as i have never been in this situation but that i am thinking of you...
I hope that you can find outside support as well as here on the thread...because you are going through so much...
Maybe Freckels it might be helpful if you look for counselling through your clinic or the local hospital or your G.P..Its about giving you some direction and that you can be honest with all your feelings??
How is your DH it must be a terrible strain on him??
My thoughts are with you both..
love astridxx


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