# For Pete's Sake!! Rant Alert!!



## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

My mother is driving me up the bloody wall!!

We've obviously told close family about the link and about Little Pea. We also told them not to tell people until after MP in case something goes wrong. I got informed via my sister that she's told extended family who I don't have anything to do (Ie people I've never even spoken to!). 

It makes me not want to send her pictures as I don't want them going to people we don't know.

How do we deal with this?


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

If it was me I'd tell her that I wasn't happy that the information had been shared when you had asked for no one to be told.

You need to tell her your not happy otherwise other bits could be passed on which are sensitive. Also you don't want to be at loggerheads once placement occurrs over parenting and attachment. It will be best for everyone if you speak up now, something all ng the lines of you know she is excited but due to xyz you really didn't want anyone else telling. You could also drop in how difficult placement will be and what ground rules you need.


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## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

Oh JesP, 

I feel so sorry for you - I know exactly what you are saying and you have every right to feel upset by it, 

Rant away!   

I have a mother-in-law who is the same, and I am dreading the time when we get close to panel/matching as we have to "manage" everything we tell her as she would be telling everyone the details. Loopylou has some sound advise that you should let her know how you are feeling.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

No matter how we explain things to my Mum, she can't help telling people.  So we've made the decision not to tell stuff we don't want other people to know.  It's hard, but having made the decision makes it easier, as we're not worrying about what to do.  She doesn't know where Bug is from or any of his background issues.

I used to bump into complete strangers at her church etc, who used to commiserate with me about our failed IVFs.  Drove me crazy with rage!  

Once we were linked, and had a matching panel date, we took photos down for her to see, but we said we weren't supposed to do even that, and we took them home with us again.  Then after MP we showered her with them, and that Christmas most of her presents were things to do with him, so I think that made it ok.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Yup fully agree with lou - my mum is similar and we held off til a few days before MP and held pics back until after ratification. We also used a lot of "SSs dont allow pics to be seen until LO home/AO passed etc just so we didn't have nieces & nephews putting pics on **. It's helped as they still follow our rules. Once LO is home and you know the score then you can relax as they respect your wishes.

It's a tough one as you know they're just excited but I used the few hard stories to point out how it can go wrong (Keemjays diary is one) but we know of 2 couples who couldn't proceed after matching panel. If you get her to think this way you can help her see how difficult it would be for you all to explain this rather than people not knowing.
HTH x

Actually we are the exact same as AoC and it makes life less stressful thinking what has been said.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

GERTIE179 said:


> Yup fully agree with lou - my mum is similar and we held off til a few days before MP and held pics back until after ratification. We also used a lot of "SSs dont allow pics to be seen until LO home/AO passed etc just so we didn't have nieces & nephews putting pics on **. It's helped as they still follow our rules. Once LO is home and you know the score then you can relax as they respect your wishes.
> 
> It's a tough one as you know they're just excited but I used the few hard stories to point out how it can go wrong (Keemjays diary is one) but we know of 2 couples who couldn't proceed after matching panel. If you get her to think this way you can help her see how difficult it would be for you all to explain this rather than people not knowing.
> HTH x
> ...


This is exactly the same as my mum, after we were linked and after DW had told her family about LO (admitedly over the phone as they live 200+ miles away) I went round and spoke to my mum, dad, sister and her boyfriend. I left a copy of LO's profile and told them they can't share with anyone, and don't put it on the internet either.

Well when I got a message from my brother later on saying he had seen the pic and she is a lovely looking LO! I could have screamed, what part of 'don't show this to anyone else' did my mum not understand, her excuse was it was only my brother. I said surely it is my news to share?

Anyway, we now have 8 or 9 pics of LO and although we do show them to my parents they don't get a copy of them. I know my dad is finding this tough, but we just can't risk my mum slipping up. Especially as she has previous when we were having fertility treatment...

...It was my 30th birthday a few years ago and all my friends and family were over for a party (right in the middle of treatment) my MIL overheard my mum's friend asking my mum how our test results had gone! Well from that moment on, my DW hasn't trusted her with any info, and I don't blame her, it's tough but we have to protect LO's history as it's theirs to share.

Good luck, Paul x


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Well we were giving new photo's today... Recent ones .. Firstly, my son is one cheeky looking chap. Secondly, I won't be sending any more pictures to my mother for a while as she's made copies of them to send to relatives I haven't even met!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Aww Jes - you've gotta love her enthusiasm for her new grandson. It's hard for them too - if anything like mine they've seen our hurt through losses and desperate to be GPs. I remember er how annoyed/angry I felt though when they couldn't respect wishes & you had to keep everything so guarded. They do get there (mostly) but hugs in the meantime and enjoy looking at your cheeky monkey.
X


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Oh for God's sake! 

Just had my nan call me concerned about little one. It seems my mother has been telling family a load of bs about little one with regards to medical issues and birth family. I've not told my parents any thing about bm but they have told my nsn bm is only 14 and that little onehas ssevere medical issues! ! So angry right now.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Oh my gosh where's she got that from.  I'd talk to her straight away but be aware that perhaps there is an element of crossed wires somewhere between the two of them.  Good luck x


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

OMG JesP! I'm not surprised you're angry, I'd be seething! Sometimes (i don't know why) our family members want to make it all about them... however I can't understand the making up of these kind of issues. It's worrying enough the fear of the unknown & what the future may hold for our LO's, not to mention hearing ill informed comments from strangers but to have your family telling people the bs you have heard is really not on or fair. Maybe try to calm down a bit over night if you are as angry as it sounds. Then have a calm but serious talk with her tomorrow. As DIva says there could be an element of crossed wires, these could be concerns she has? But your nan isn't the person she should be speaking to. Hope you find a way to calm yourself & de-stress for your own benefit


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Oh for goodness sake!  SO upsetting and enraging!    I did find that grandparents were more anxious about LO having issues or being 'a wrong 'un' not that they used those words, but that's what they were pussy-footing around.  But she's got to stop.  Is your SW good?  Ours offered to meet with and speak to my Mum when we were concerned she might have trouble understanding.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Aww Jes that's awful. Our SW was great and offered to speak to family to help them understand. It might be best to have an open conversation with her to find out the facts first.

I would also say the more they see/meet lil one down the line it mostly pales away as it's a real life child. The more you can do to bring this home the better it may be. For my mum it was others who asked her insensitive Qs and that made her worry/believe incorrect info. I just had to be strong and say no it's not relevant or that's not info we share. 

Good luck and sorry this is shadowing your joyful time x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I also think GPs felt better after Celebration Day.  It's hard for them - we get days of official training and months of assessment which is really training too.  We read loads and chat here and learn probably far more than we think we do.  We forget, sometimes, what it's like form 'outside' or what it was like when we were starting out and knew nothing.

I think agencies should provide 'family packs' of easy to digest and relevant info to reassure and equip families to support their family members who are adopting.  But that's just me.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Totally agree with AoC!!! ;-)


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

AoC I do agree with you partly, however my mum is adopted herself so out of all the people in our family she should understand the importance of getting the right facts out there. My issue isn't her telling people about Little Pea as we've only told people the information we don't mind sharing... My issue is half-truths being told which thanks to Chinese Whispers become outright lies.

I spoke to her this morning, which was a battle in it's self as she was in childish mode and kept hanging up! When we eventually spoke I explained that I was upset that mis-information had gotten back to my Nanna and asked how this had happened.... Long story cut short, my mother being my mother, hadn't really listened to what I had told her. Because Little Pea does have a couple of minor medical issues and because we're going to see the medical adviser before panel, mum had managed to put 2 and 2 together to get 16. She had told this 16 to my dad, who told my uncle is was 25 who told my Nanna is was 74....

I've told my mum now in the future just not to discuss anything other than the basics, name, gender, age and when he's coming home. If anyone has any questions, they can come to me or hubby.

On a bright note, it's only 39 days until we meet our little boy!!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Not long now!    Yeah, I think what I was trying to say is that because she's probably incredibly anxious about things potentially being bad (because she doesn't know better) she's laying her fears over reality and creating this new reality that's all distorted - just like you're saying.  My Mum was adopted, too, which was great in terms of her accepting non-biological grand children and knowing the 'mum' means 'the one who loves and cares for you', but absolutely awful in other ways.  She thinks the form of adoption she experienced, where baby is removed at birth, handed over to new parents and never knows anything about it till told at 18 is the right way to do things, and anything else is wrong.  Makes life a bit of an uphill struggle sometimes.  

I'm glad you managed to have your chat and hopefully things are sorted now.  ((((((hugs)))))


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## EverHopefulmum (Sep 23, 2009)

JesP, this is a nightmare. I'm so sorry your having to go through this. One of the hardest things i find is trying to manage everyone else's emotions when sometimes it's so hard to manage my own. You should be getting support, not having to give it all the time.  My parents are a bit odd to say the least and whenever you tell my dad something it's like the first time he heard it even if you have discussed it for hours or on several occasions.  It wouldn't be so bad only he always is like - why didn't you tell me this before & then accuses me of hiding things from him - its a bloody nightmare. I try to ignore it, but it's hard. 


Our LA offers an evening course for upto 4 members of your support network to help them understand what you are going through. Ours is coming up soon, so i will feedback on how it goes. Maybe you should see if your LA offers anything similar?


goodluck x


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi all,

I don't really have much to add to this other than it seems to be a common theme amongst parents. We're no where near the matching process (we're doing our HS at the moment), but both our parents have come out with some corkers so far. The most recent one - after looking at Be My Parent, where there is a little chap described as being very intelligent, the reaction was "Gosh, you wouldn't think they'd be clever would you?".  Both sets of our parents are supportive and excited about us adopting, but even still, they persist with massive assumptions, and quite a but of utter nonsense. 

I agree that it's probably a fear of the unknown, matched with (in our case) almost zero experience of adoption. I think AoC is right, if agencies provided information for grandparents it would help to dispel some of the common misconceptions. I think sometimes people's 'idea' of an adopted child is quite fixed, and the idea of just an ordinary child being adopted doesn't compute for them, this certainly seems to be the underlying issue with our parents.

As if you don't have enough going on, having family cause trouble is one stress too many. I think you've done the right thing in speaking to your mum, and hopefully she'll listen and understand why you're upset. As soon as he's home and there, I am sure they'll soon forget all their nonsense.  

39 days is nothing - especially not when you've got Christmas in the middle.


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Thanks Ladies.

My agency actually do run a friends and family evening. Unfortunately I live in South Essex and my parents live in Norfolk so they weren't able to come down for it.  My mother in law went along and found it really helpful. Hubby has two cousins who were adopted (20+ years ago) and so MiL thought she knew how it would be, ie, healthy little baby, no contact etc etc. After the meeting she really changed if not her opinions but at least her approach to us.

Christmas feels a little odd this year. Normally I'm so excited about it and revert into a small child. But obviously I have a very good reason to wish away Christmas. Going shopping with MiL and Auntie-in-law (is that a thing) tomorrow so I'm sure Little Pea will end up with some more bits. Been very restrained so far.... 

I don't know what I would have done without this forum!!


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