# What is my life? TTC nightmare!



## AmyG1987 (Sep 26, 2015)

Hi everyone! I'm very much new to this website but after a while of feeling completely helpless I decided I do really need the support of others who are going through the same thing. I almost feel as though I need a shrink to speak to just to help me put my life into perspective....if you know what I mean?

OK so now for the lengthy part, hopefully by the end of reading this you wont want to kick me off FF for being so damn miserable! My husband and I have been married for over 2 years and together almost 12 years. Last June I decided was the time to come off my pill, but we both agreed when the day came I was to come off my pill, my husband didnt want to know, as the contemplation of becoming a father scared him too much, so he asked that I just tell him when I become pregnant - which sounds so easy right?! Before I go any further, my husband was adopted and throughout his life hasn't had much interaction with children - he was also never bothered about having kids, and if it wasn't for me wanting them, he probably would never plan on becoming a father. A few months passed and due to serious hormonal changes coming off said pill my husband guessed I'd come off and has been great ever since - as time has gone by he has become more accepting of the idea of becoming a father and 15 months into ttc it is also becoming emotionally too much for both of us

Now I know compared to others who have been trying for years, 15 months may seem like nothing, but I guess because we've been together so long (we met at ages 16 and 1, seen many couples get together, have kids, break up, have more kids during this time, AND because I've been ready to be a mother for the last 3 years, it does seem like FOREVER   

We went to the doctor in June when it had been 1 year exactly (this was a huge moment in itself due to my desperation to get pregnant) - I was very naive first coming off my pill, daydreaming about sperm flying round all over the place ready to impregnate me at any moment, what an idiot! But seriously did nobody else feel their cervix was suddenly very exposed? We've had 4 months worth of day 21 blood tests and my numbers have been 28, 21, 25 and 37 - so for the first 3 months there has been an indication that I wasnt ovulating, then boom bloody 37! Dont really know what to expect with that - my numbers are as imbalanced as my hormones. My husband had his swimmers tested and they have come back normal, much to his delight, so we have been referred onto a specialist at the hospital. My first consultation was last Wednesday and I have been referred for an HSG but my next follow up after that isn't until the middle of December. The specialist explained the fertility treatments available following my HSG results depend on 'how desperate we are' - ha how ridiculous does that sound? Insensitive words of the specialist although not intended just the same as the long list of insensitivities you accumulate ttc! However she pretty much ruled out the tablet and injection as the success rate is so low, IVF is the best option. However we won't have been trying for 2 years so would we even be eligible?

In addition to all of this going round in our heads, as I'm sure many of you do feel or have felt, I cant help but feel absolutely lost, completely miserable and deprived of what life is all about.....  I'm exceptionally lucky in every other regard and part of me sometimes asks myself, 'I already have everything else, am I not allowed a family too?' My husband and I both have great jobs, a gorgeous home, car, go on holiday around 4 times a year (this is becoming more frequent because honestly we feel like we are spending money to compensate for the one thing we truly want, and a bit of sunshine cushions the blow a little, even if only for a few days) and of course, everybody else seems to be getting pregnant and having wonderful lives with their children or offering us 'advice' on how to conceive such as 'well i knew someone who stopped trying after 10 years and she fell pregnant straight away' or 'twice a day for the 5 days you are fertile trust me it will work' or even better 'try hypnosis and picture the sperm making its way to your eggs!' - all good intentions but such comments just make me more angry and upset and honestly we are both struggling so much with the emotional strain I do think we are becoming too down

Can anyone share advice or experiences they have had I'd love to be able to talk to like minded folk I think it will help  

Thanks for listening to my neverending moan xxxxx


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Amy,

I'm so sorry you feel so down . 

Rules for IVF funding are different everywhere, so keep pushing to find the answers for your area. I would think that if there is proof that you are not ovulating they would have the grounds to fund you.
Also, you may want to pay for an AMH test to check the quality of your ovarian reserve, to have a better idea of where you stand. I wish I had done that right away and not lost 2 years on useless treatments and tests.

It looks like you have a good husband and a stable financial situation, which in my opinion play a huge part in an IF journey. Having support from your spouse and the financial means to pay for treatment if you were not eligible, make a difference. 

No words can make it OK when you feel your heart is empty, aching for motherhood, but please know that you're not alone and that a lot of us here truly understand your pain. 

I hope today is a better day for you. xx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Big hugs, it's so tough to take those first steps.

In addition to amh,  also get your thyroid tested - not just standard tests but also anti thyroid antibodies. 

Another thing I'd never heard of before we embarked on the treatment route,  was the 'sperm meets egg plan' (there's info on it if you Google it). I don't know if you've tried it but it could be worth a go if not (while waiting for all the tests). 

Big hugs

xxx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I think we can all relate to how you feel, so don't feel guilty or beat yourself up.

10 years ago I had never heard of infertility (Seriously).  I never had a family member or friend who had struggled to conceive.  Everyone I knew had the family they wanted, normally falling pregnant within weeks after stopping contraceptives.

I had been in terrible relationships and then met the most amazing man.  I stopped the pill on our wedding day and got pregnant within two months.  I sadly miscarried and never thought for a moment that it wouldn't happen so easily again.

Like you and many on this board, we are good people.  We had so much to offer a child.  My husband sounds like your husband.  He was happy with me and if we had children it was a bonus.  In a way you have to take it as a compliment as it means that having you is enough for them.

I won't bore you, but after countless tests, scans and HSG's we were originally diagnosed with 'Unexplained' which is so frustrating.  Our following journey is in my signature.

Big hugs and you will get lots of support on here.
X


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Hi, hon -- first of all, don't panic. I wouldn't worry too much about CD21 progesterone results -- because progesterone is secreted on a pulsatile basis, your serum levels can vary a lot in as little as 30 minutes. If just one blood draw has been done per cycle, you have to take the results with a pinch of salt, particularly if your cycles are normally longer than 28 days (as this indicates that you are ovulating later in your cycle and the CD21 results will not be reliable). You should get your FSH measured on CD3 (having it done on the correct cycle day is very important for this hormone) -- if it is elevated, that's an indicator you should go for IVF sooner rather than later. It's also a good idea to get your AMH measured, as Froggy suggests, which can be done at any time in your cycle; if your AMH is low, that's also an indicator to pursue treatment sooner rather than later. 

Has your husband has his semen analysis done yet? Close to half of infertility is due to male factor issues, so understanding whether there are any issues with his sperm is key.

You should be able to get a copy of the IVF funding rules from your CCG. If you or your partner have clear-cut medical reasons for infertility, like blocked Fallopian tubes or an extremely low sperm count, you ought to be able to access treatment without two pointless years of trying on your own first.

In the mean time, have you tried using LH test strips to predict ovulation? You don't need to buy the expensive ovulation predictor kits at the chemist, the Internet cheapies from Amazon work just fine -- this makes a real financial difference, because the LH surge is short and you may need to test several times a day to get a clear positive. I thought the Babi brand did a better job than the Wondfo, at least for me, of giving a clear positive. What I found was that my cervical mucus was a very reliable indicator of upcoming ovulation, and so I quit with the test strips. We ultimately required IVF due to tubal issues, but understanding your ovulation rhythms and the length of your luteal phase is really helpful both for ttc naturally and for figuring out how treatment is affecting your cycle.

Wishing you lots of luck!


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## AmyG1987 (Sep 26, 2015)

Awww thank you guys for all of your replies it's comforting to talk about these things with people who totally get your point of view and it does geniuinely make me feel that perhaps I'm not so alone after all   I actually had a new comment today "perhaps going on holiday is what will get you pregnant because you will be relaxed" - yeah you know what shut up please! Does that make me horrible?

Froggy I will definitely find out about IVF funding for my area. In regards to the AMH test would I request this at my next appointment in December? At this appointment I should find out the result of my HSG I just wish it wasn't such a long wait. I have to say if it did come to a point where paying for treatment was our only option, although we're financially very stable, we wouldn't go ahead with it. We have always been very pro-adoption, particularly with my husband being adopted and I think it is something we would do anyway regardless of whether or not we could conceive. When there are so many children desperate for loving homes, particularly children who are a little older than toddler age, I couldn't pass the chance of of not offering myself as a mother to someone who so desperately needs me as much as I do them

Mandypandy thank you for your advice also I have started my long list of potential tests to have and I feel more positive also knowing that it wont end at yay or nay in December  

Stacey, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you, it must have taken so much courage and patience to be able to get through your grief, and I can imagine it's something you will never get over. Your attitude towards everything is inspiring and I honestly don't know how I'd deal with 'unexplained' as there is no closure as such ...

Crazyhorse thank you much for your wealth of advice! I honestly don't know how I feel regarding the day 21 tests as theyve all been so different so there is no definitive answer. My husband has had his semen analysis and everything came back as normal. I was buying ovulation tests off ebay which cost me next to nothing and they have indicated ovulation most months but I have pretty much given up now. My husband and I have sex usually every other day and we always aim for primetime ovulation - so I really don't think there is any more we can do without making everything more ritualistic and scheduled than it already is. We dven gave up trying for a few months to see if relaxing really does help - stopping trying helped us to relax but no baby so more stressful eventually haha, ironic isn't it? I can usually tell naturally, like yourself, by my cervical mucus also which helps

Thank you all for your help it has certainly made today easier. Big hugs to you all I will be praying for each of you xxxxxx


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Amy, you say you have sex every other day, but if you check out the 'Sperm meets egg plan', it's a slightly different approach. http://spermmeetseggplan.com/

I can't tell you whether or not it makes any difference but DH and I tried it last month (after our long and sordid TTC history) and I got a natural bfp. I figured that even after everything we've been through, it couldn't hurt to try it. I never actually expected it to work but lo and behold, it did.

/links


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