# Just saying hello!



## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Hi Ladies,
  I have been reading the posts on here for a few hours and I have to say is so good to read some positive points of view! Right now I am in a very dark place regarding our struggle to conceive. I have PCOS and most likely do not ovulate unmedicated. DH has v.low sprem count so combined its not a good scenario! We are on the ICSI waiting list but its 3 years long and you only get one chance. We don't think we will self fund at £5000 a time its out of our price range, and it may not work which would be a bit of a double wammy - ie no money AND no baby!! The whole process is destroying me, I just want everything to stop, and I am trying very hard to come to terms with not being able to have children, but all I seem to do is think about it constantly. I am finding reading the positive posts very helpful in deciding wether to draw a line under actively trying or to continue at this level of constant effort and heart break. I just don't know what to do. I am thinking that I will probably finish the clomid and the rest of the tests and then take a year off 'trying' and just enjoy being me and DH for a while. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to the ladies on this board and to introduce myself as I will be popping in and out!
Wendycat
XXX


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Wendycat - lovely to 'meet' you!

I have often thought that the whole IF thing is rather like a rollercoaster - some days you feel full of optimism, other days you're terrified. Its a lot to go through, and it takes its toll on all of us!

You take care hon

Love & best wishes
Emcee x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi wendycat. Hope you have been helped by some of these posts.You are  Welcome here anytime.Taking a year out might be a good way to start thinking of getting off the rollercoaster. Good luck xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Wendycat
I really understand that 'Dark Place' as you mentioned in your post. It is an awful place to be and it seems as if there is no end to it all..
From your post it sounds as if you have a few things in place, but you do not know how to put them in any kind of order...
From what you have written there is a three year waiting list with the ICSI tx. So that is something that has been take out of your hands...I know it must be heartbreaking and soul destroying..
Maybe after the clomid you may need just to take time out for you and your partner to start having alittle bit of a life. Maybe just finding the time to laugh and smile again.
This doesn't take the desire for you to have children away, but maybe taking the pressure off you both alittle bit. May make you feel better..
Could you maybe save the money before the three years up? ( i know this is not any of my business, but maybe this may give you a sense of doing something that you both really want?).
What about, or have you thought about going to see a counsellor? maybe to help you sort out your turmoil, because it sounds as if things are getting too much for you...i know its not for everyone, but you have nothing to lose but gain...
Maybe by taking a year out or six months, you can re evaluate everything again. This will then give you the space to re charge your batteries...and start putting things into place.
What about taking time out just for you both!!!

I hope i haven't banged on....i understand where you are coming from and its somewhere that i found the most difficult to be when i was going through IF...it does get better, but i think we have to take a step back to look after ourselves...(easier said than done)...but it does work...

Glad you came here, its a good place to be and very supportive..

lots of love astridxx


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Thankyou ladies!
I have said this on other boards, but I really do just have to say how good it is to be understood. I tend to bottle up my feelings over IF, I hate imposing on people and know they are either going to be wary of saying anything to you incase I break down, or they are just thinking 'why don't you just get on with it?!' Have to say, sometimes I feel like shaking myself and saying 'get a grip!' I took quite a big step today. Its my birthday-29-(How did that happen?!) and I spent the day with my mum, something I don't often get to do just me and her, my sister is a single parent so my mum is usually involved with helping her and my niece. My poor mum doesn't seem to understand the situation very well and often makes suggestions such as going on rollercoasters to improve my fertility because a friend of a friend of a friend went to Blackpool and got preggers after going on the big one!!! that sort of thing! We were in the garden centre looking at some adorable childrens macs and matching boots, my mum says she can't wait to be a doting grandma to my babies, so I took the opportunity to tell her that we probably would be stopping actively trying. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't...etc... Not sure she understood the difference between actively trying and just letting nature take its course, but when I explained that after 3 and a half years of measuring temperatures every day, timing sex and taking crazy pills I was a bit sick of it all and needed to draw a line under it, she was actually quite supportive! Feel relieved that i don't have to keep up the pretence of pretending that I am expecting to fall pregnant anyday, thats not how I feel, its a bit more like 'abandon hope all yee who enter here' at the moment. Is this the beginning of my personal impowerment? Feels like I am taking control of my life - what a brilliant feeling! And have decided when I next get a pay rise I am having the 2 seater classic MG I always wanted!!
Just wanted to say thanks for all your advice, we may well save up for treatment yet, I don't know what will happen in the future, just know how good it feels right now to be free.
Oh dear I seem to have waffled on for Britain
Sorry!!
Wendycat
XXX


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Good for you for feeling empowered by what happened today, and for being able to explain to your mum without feeling like you were grasping for straws... and I don't blame you for taking some well deserved time out from the rollercoaster of IF for a while. Sometimes we simply need to 'be' as opposed to 'doing'.

Hope you'll stick around for a while here  

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Wendycat,

I just lost my post! I think what I said was something like:

I am so glad you have found this site and board supportive.

It is so tough to know when to give up on treatment and to try and move on. I think you have made a good decision to take it slowly and to have a break for a while before making final decisions.

As you know, relationships with family can be fraught or supportive. Sadly, it seems as though us IF people have to explain how it is before we get the support we need. Well done you for helping your mum understand how it is, now she is in a better position to support you.

It is good to meet you here, you will find lots of support to move on. I think I can also speak for us regulars to say we will also be glad to hear if you are lucky and eventually have news of a successful pg. (A big part of my own moving on journey is being able to be glad for other people's good fortune - just so long as they
don't take it for granted! And I know you wouldn't!)

Lots of love

Jq xxx


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Thankyou ladies!


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hi Wenday cat
good luck with your decision making and congrats on having the courage to have a year off. It sounds like you had a good meeting with your Mum. My Mum was a bit head in the sand about it too - just need a good holiday and that sort of stuff - but a rollercoaster.!! I've got an enormous fear of heights so a rollercoaster for me would send me and my ovaries into a permanent state of decline!!
Lots love Jo


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Hi ladies,
  Thought I would update the situation. Had 2nd infertility appointment in Leeds today to get the results of DH's sperm count. Only 1.8 million with only 15% motility and a shocking 95% abnormal. I have now been taken off clomid as there just isn't any point in taking it. Its official, our only chance of conception is ICSI.
This doesn't really change our plans apart from it is no longer a choice to stop trying as there just isn't any point in trying! 
So there we are. DH is understandably gutted and feels like he has let me down, I keep trying to tell him there is problems on both sides but he will not have it. He needs some time and TLC I think.
Don't know how I feel at the moment. Will probably be back around here again in the not too distant future as I am between 'homes' at the moment, I don't seem to fit into any ofthe boards!!
Wendycat
XX


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Wendycat 

What a shock for you today    Please know that you can stick around here for as long as you like - this is a place where you can take stock whatever your future holds and whatever decisions you make further down the line even if that means you leave us .... don't feel you have to know where you are going to post here.  You are so welcome.

I am really sorry life has taken such a painful turn for you today and your poor DH.  It's not easy is it and I am sure you felt 'sick' to the pit of your stomach when you received this news - we have all been there in one way or another so we do understand and send you our love 

Take it easy Wendycat
Pipkin x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Wendycat - I couldn't word Pipkins heartfelt post any better myself.

Please don't feel like you can't come here - this space is a safe haven to explore your thoughts, feelings and any issues you have surrounding the whole IF process. We have had many ladies here that have eventually moved onto other things be it more treatment, adoption etc... they are always welcome here because nothing ever cancels out the heartache of IF.

We'd love for you to stick around for a while if you want to... it really does help being able to talk to others who understand where you're coming from. I'm so sorry you had that news today, what a blow it must have been for you both - and yes our blokes can take things like this very hard because they aren't like us women - we find it easier to 'talk' on places like this for example, whereas men are 'taught' to deal with things on their own and not show emotion...

Sending you and your darling DH much love and gentle hugs at this time

Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Wendycat,

Just to reiterate what the others have said - you are welcome to be here no matter what the future holds.

I hope ICSI works for you. Let us know.

Love Jq xxx


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Hi
Thankyou all for your kind words and support!
We have decided that this weekend we are going to have a few days off from being sad and moping about and instead we are going off to Amsterdam for a few days of drunken debauchery with some friends (Ha! Try doing THAT with kiddies in tow!!!!)
This is the first day I have not felt like crying all day since last Thursday. Feeling like life goes on after all, and thinking of how nice it will be to enjoy lovemaking without pressure, the odd large red wine and not charting temps or peeing on OPK sticks and just being me and my wonderful husband for a change! Probably won't feel like this for long though! i feel like my emotions are on a rollercoaster!
Thanks again!
Wendycat
XXX


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## foreign body (Oct 12, 2006)

A big hug!
Nothing can take the pain away, we can only try and focus on the positive side...and you are doing that.
You and your husband are going to Amsterdam, that's a treat! You have pointed out that you couldn't have done it if you had kids. Taking a break from ttc can do wonder to your life and your relationship. 

Have a great trip


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Good on you honey! And good on you again for deciding to go away for a trip too  

Amsterdam is one of my favourite cities in the world. I've been there a few times now, and am always wanting to go back - its got something for everyone (no pun intended - LOL)!  

Love & hugs

Emcee x


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