# Supporting a child's identity



## waiting for a pink (Mar 8, 2010)

I feel like this is a bit of a dumb question...

My husband and I are very open to the idea of adopting a child of a different ethnicity to our own. We are well-educated and open-minded and so feel we have the ability to bring a child up with knowledge of their heritage. I just wonder what exactly is meant by "supporting a child's identity"? How far does one go with this? At what age would you start doing it, and how?

There is one particular child we are very keen on at the moment and are waiting to hear back about a possible link, but I don't want to go into this too naive.

Any advice?


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it's not quite the same situation but i remember i worked with a white girl once who had a black birth child. She deliberately did things to support his identity ... she wore her hair braided or up in a scarf, often dressing in such a way that at least once she was described by an observer as 'black' despite the fact she wasn't. She used to cook recipes like curried goat or plantains and stuff like that. i admired the way she gave her little boy confidence in his cultural background, absorbing it into their way of living and not just treating it as something to learn about from a distance. i think you'd have to start right from the first day and go as far with it as you felt comfortable.


----------



## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

We were specifically asked at panel how we would support our child's identity as we were approved for a dual heritage child. I spoke about all the wonderful things there are where we live and how mixed it is and about absorbing things into the child's life- food, history, music, as Goldbunny said. I also spoke about teaching him or her about other cultures too as that is something we have experienced in our lives and it is enriching and wonderful.

There have also been some interesting posts on AUK from a poster who took her child to Africa so he could experience village life (she was very well travelled). Ironically sws were horrified they were not staying in a resort! They seemed to want lip service only.

In terms of matching I would research as much as you can about the child's specific culture. Is this a culture where there is a population near you? Are there any social or cultural activities near you? What can you find out about the history/food/music/customs of the place? Does your support network include people of different backgrounds? Is where you live v cosmopolitan or is the child going to stand out? What about the bf's religion?

Goldbunny- surely if your white friend had a birth child he must have been dual heritage rather than black!?


----------



## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Our daughter is mixed race, and we are a white couple, her heritage is un known, we live in a very multi cultural area which is what I think attracted her SW's to us, as we are unsure of her back round we just try to build her self esteem about herself, we have story books, toys etc that reflect differences. I think they were just very glad that she was coming somewhere where she would just fit in for want of a different word, a lot of my friends have mixed heritage children, the school she attends gas such a diverse mix of cultures and different colours of skin, she came from a pre dominantly white area and was had been very abused about her heritage and that was from Birth family!!!


----------



## waiting for a pink (Mar 8, 2010)

Thanks guys, this has been most helpful. I like the idea of having toys and clothes and food and music, that's rather straightforward. The LO we're interested in has a very mixed heritage,  all 4 grandparents are from different countries. My concern is that we live in a predominantly white area where only around 5% of people are non-white. Therefore,  I am unsure as to whether our social worker would support us in a decision to adopt a mixed race child.


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

barbados girl - yes, dual.. she was trying to make sure he could feel at home amongst other kids in the playground that looked like him...and not end up 'not belonging'...it was in an area with a black minority, i think in a more diverse place like miny described it's a bit different as people get used to and expect a cultural mix. i'm sure he was confident about his white heritage too, i know she spoke a lot about her parents so i think they saw them often. i was just trying to explain that i had seen this example of someone doing more than - as you said 'paying lip service' to - just taking a tourist/guidebook approach, i think it is wonderful she really absorbed the culture, integrated her lifestyle into it...


----------



## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

I'm mixed race or dual heritage I think the PC word is these days!

I struggled with identity coming from a birth family, my mum always said I was black the bullies called me black...I was alway confused as I wasn't black in my eyes I was coffee colour!

I know it shoulnt be about the colour of someones skin but I always want my adopted son to feel like he fits in an belongs an he's the perfect skin tone to reflect this. 

Xx


----------



## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Sorry couldn't finish typing with a 1 year old...

What I'm trying to say is it's hard for any family adopted or not adopted. If your child knows they're loved and you accept them for who they are then alls good 

But as said above home cooking, country awareness etc is great! I can't wait to visit where my great grandparents lived!


----------



## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

We  had a child place with us as bf unknown but likely dual heritage. We're very lucky to live in one of the most ethnically diverse places in the country so really not much of an issue but as we have family in other areas where anything other than white british is bizarre we tried to prepare as much as possible. Our LO has a different colour skin to us but then my skin looks like chocolate chip cookie and my DH is shortbread! LO is caramel and my dad in the summer with a tan is toffee. We plan to take our son to visit many countries thoughout his life and we're going to promote his heritage by ensuring he learns one of the languages from his BM's background and visit that country. So far we've been to Romania and Spain and going to Germany next month.
In other words, we'll love him constantly and raise him knowing everyone is different and that our differences make us all special


----------

