# stuff



## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi girls
A few of you know I was going to have another tx, after months of agonising over whether to last year....Well we went through icsi, and managed 2 embryos, but it sadly resulted in a negative last week. I really felt/feel that this was the last tx for us, as my body and soul (not to mention my marriage!) seems to be screaming out 'no more'!!

We are incredibly sad and I don't know what the future holds, but for now although I am devastated, I do feel at peace with my decision. I know I will probably have days of rage ahead of me, but for now I'm just really really sad.

I wonder, did any of you experience physical exhaustion after your final tx's?? I know it's still early days for me, but I really am so tired a lot of the time - wonder if this is normal??

Anyway, it's my birthday tomorrow -like Astrid   - so I am going to TRY and see it as a new start. In the past I have always hated my birthday as it's seemed to be a sign of another year of failure (ie not having a child) - but this year I am concsiously going to make an effort. DH has the day off so we are going to stay in bed till noon and do what we feel like.

OK, that's my stuff.
Love ruby xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Firstly   sending you big hugs, I am so sorry to hear your news. I had my last failed ICSI on 22nd Sept 06 and I am still feeling very run down and tired. I have been off work and am due to go back at the end of the month. The first ICSI took me about 5 months to get over but with the second one I had to take the max amount of Gonal and therefore I am finding my recovery very slow. I also think that our emotional state really effects the physical so it's no wonder we feel so tired all the time. Hang in there, take good care of yourself and one day you will feel better.


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi Ruby, 

After my third and final natural cycle IUI last August, I felt exhausted, and ended up staying off work for 10 weeks. I think you're bound to feel a bit wiped out at least, and the best I can offer you is to TAKE IT EASY and be KIND TO YOURSELF!

All my love, 

MM xxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Ruby,

Feeling exhausted after any physical trial is so normal, so don't worry about that. Just remember that this has been an emotional trial too and you need time to recover. 

Hope you have the best birthday possible!

We are all here to support you through this.

Love Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ruby honey

So sorry you never got the result you wanted sweetie    I'm sending you very gentle hugs  

As for feeling exhausted, I think its perfectly natural after everything you have been through. Our bodies take a battering with the strong drugs as well as our emotions and souls, so you have every right to feel drained at the moment.

I hope you have a lovely lazy day today and that you and your DH are able to chill out and have some quality time together. You so deserve it!

Tons of love
Emcee xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

My dear Friend Ruby and fellow birthday girl!!!

I am so so sorry that your treatment failed...my heart goes out to you. I know that you have had a long and hard road, but always managed to pick yourself up despite your heartache and sadness. That is certainly something that i admire about you, that you did do everything you could to try and make this happen...I think JQ once said it is not about us as people, its something that our bodies failed for us..I think for me that was quite a comforting thought.....
I just want to say and i am not sure if its words of comfort...but i felt totally exhausted and i wasn't sure what i was mourning for at first when we called it a day. The one thing i can agree with you is i felt relief. I felt that i was another person and this was happening to someone else, for a long time. It was as if i was living, but it wasn't my life and my reality...Eventually it does start to filter through, but it is a gradual thing and not as bad as you may think? being in the heart of treatment i found personally i was more miserable with life..
Its another different issues and one that i believe you can only live on a day to day basis. I also beleive that maybe start planning a few trips, holidays, concerts to fill in those days. The beauty of saying goodbye to treatment for me was to learn to laugh again....that was important for me..the down days are hard but they do not last as long...and i suppose its about facing the situation when it arises..
I am a firm believer of counselling and i have the most fabulous counsellor i am seeing at the moment. I have been stuck in the loss for so many years and i don't know how to move forward. She is offering to support me and to start living again...Wow i think we need that TLC because IF is so hard, but i am sure there is a way forward to start living life to the full again, but in a different way..
Ummm staying in bed with your DH sounds fab...you know where i am Ruby....thinking of you and understanding your pain....i mean it..

love astridxxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Oh girls
Thank you so much for your replies  - I'm truly touched by what you have said..and relieved to hear that the exhaustion is 'normal' - although sorry that so many have experienced it -as it is so rough.
Astrid (birthday bud  ) I so agree with what you say about feeling/being another person whilst doing tx. I do feel quite different already in some ways - but I'm quite scared because I've had the hope that tx brings with it for so many years now...so I'm kind of adrift now ...I'm also struggling a bit with other peoples' reactions to our news - it's strange isn't it.

I do believe there is a way forward for all of us, it's just finding it isn't it?

Thank you again everyone xxxx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

So sorry to hear about your BFN, I think it's really early days though and absolutely the drugs will still be making you feel bad.

It's been about 5 weeks since my last IVF BFN and this is a really interesting thread, because my body also still feels knackered, and I wonder if it could still be from the drugs? I took a much higher dose of stims this time. Hmmm... interesting!

I know I need to give myself a break, but I just want my body back!


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Oh Ruby- i am soo sorry that toy find yourselves here at this point!

I too felt physically drained when my final iui failed.I couldnt even get out of bed to get into work and was often late(as a teacher not good as my form class were waiting on me). I finally took 5 weeks off (i was nearly finished for summer hols) so went back at end of June as my HOD was retiring and had to go out for that.But then it was the summer hols and i had another 8 weeks to recover and rest.So that was over 3 mths in total.

could you arrange a holiday away for you and dh/dp? We went to spain for 2 weeks (had dh's dd with us too ) but it was a good break.

Please take time to grieve and spend some time with just you.When i was off i only saw people i wanted to see.I didnt go to a christening as couldnt face it.I didnt meet up with people i felt i should be as my good friends knew how sad i was and were prepared to give me time.

Take care and try and enjoy your bday! xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Ruby,

There is nothing more physically exhausting than an emotional rollercoaster and what seems like endless tears ........  

I am so sorry..... it's just so cruel.

Well, I'm afraid I can only give you the benefit of my own experience from my deepest, darkest days.  What I found helped was to go with the "tears" and not dwell on them or worry about why they were still coming.  I just "did" it.    I felt at my worst after my 3rd IVF failed and I miscarried.  It was like a huge weight I couldn't get off my shoulders and I just couldn't think clearly ... everything seemed so bl**dy frightening.  Absolutely everything.

All I can say is at the moment, the only way to get through is to try not to panic and worry about the future.  Don't look forward and don't look back.  Just try to get through a day at a time.  You know you best and you know what makes you feel better.  Maybe it's listening to your favourite music up as loud as you can, maybe its' some retail therapy, a night out with friends ..... anything just to get you through each day.

And here I go again but I am still thoroughly recommending the book by Nicki Defago "ChildFree & Loving It" ....... be gentle on yourself whilst you gather your strength up enough to start thinking about where to go from here but in the meantime, this book could really help with your healing at the moment.  I know it did for me.  It took away the fear of the future, the panic, the dread and made me look at the positive in life, from a totally different perspective from how I'd ever seen my future before.  It lifted such a weight from my shoulders.

I hope I haven't banged on here ......  Just trying to give you some practical support that might just help you have one good day at least ...

Take it easy and be gentle on yourself,
All my love
Gill xo


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

oops ..... forgot...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!  Please, don't let the wicked IF spoil your birthday too!! It interferes enough in life!! Try to think of it as another year stronger and another year wiser!!

Enjoy!!!

Love Gill xo


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ruby honey

Sorry my earlier message was so brief to you. I never seem to have the time to say half the stuff I want to say nowadays!

The ladies have given you some sound advice with their insights about what they have been through. I think everything they have said is pretty much spot on. 

I found the things that helped me through my darkest days were being able to just simply be me - whether that was having a hiding under the quilt day and telling the world to 'eff off' - or monitoring my calls (caller display, what a life saver)! I also found I was very choosy over what company I kept at the time - anyone who would be liable to get my nerves on edge (MIL included)! were avoided at all costs!

To help combat the exhaustion I tried eating small amounts of food regularly and making sure I got plenty of sleep. I had nice relaxing music to listen to, and loud screaming music too! I found talking to those who understood me was a great source of comfort. One of my friends once said to me when I was going through a really hard time 'just remember to keep breathing' at the time I thought it was a pretty dumb thing to say, but in retrospect I realise that she understood where I was at - breathing is a reflex action and if you concentrate on your own breathing you aren't thinking about the million and one other things that are swirling around your mind...

Take care of you hon and do what you have to do to get by... we are here for you as always.

Hope you have had a lovely day with your DH and you got spoilt rotten hon - you deserve it.

Love to you
Emcee xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

There's not much I can add to the wise words above Ruby. Like you and many of the others I too experienced complete physical and emotional exhaustion for months afterwards.

I really do hope you managed to enjoy your birthday, life is to precious to waste.

flipper


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Thank you everyone - honestly your words are so helpful to me. We went out last night and I was feeling very sad and uncomfortable about being 'in public' somehow...but then i thought that I was/am not alone cos of you guys, and it honestly made me feel better - so *thank you*.

Gill - I actually bought the 'book' a while ago and read a little bit of it (and loved it) - but I didn't finish it because we were in the middle of our donor cycles at the time, so it felt too confusing to get properly into it. But it's still on the bookshelf, and I fully intend to get stuck in to it again very soon!!

emcee - couldn't agree more about caller display -we have it and OH MY GOD it's a life saver!! You're also right about the breathing thing - i think it's so easy to breath in and forget to breathe out!!

Irish Eyes (Happy St Patrick's Day by the way!) - a holiday is very much in order - we are defo going to try and book something up soon. Also, my beloved dh got me/us tickets to a massive rock concert in May, so I'm really excited about that.

Anyway, thank you again everyone so much xxxx

ps flipper - totally agree life is so precious x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Ruby
I have been thinking of you over the weekend. I just wanted to say also that we all deal with things in a different ways and my experience will be different to yours....however there is something we all have in common and that is dealing with the REALITY of what IF brings..
I also wanted to add, we also go through a journey and my experience could be different from yours at different times. However i think we all reach somewhere in the end, but its often with alot of help and support from those that understand. Sometimes i have been told things that seemed so alien to what i wanted to hear, but in time alot of it has made sense. I think sometimes we are not always ready to take on board some realities, because it hurts so much....in your own time i think this the key to your question...
You also mentioned that you received different reactions from people when you told them....i put it down to  experience that often some people just do not understand? there is such an enormity of questions, re evaluation on life that if you tried to explain to some people, they just wouldn't understand or get it. Some people do not even want to and its those that i would keep myself safe against. The other thing is that people think there is a solution and IVF is it? well its on the TV and magazines and there is always a positive result....well not in reality...
I often found also that maybe it is too hard for some to handle, like my mum who just cannot stand to see my pain so therefore shuts it out.....and i think you may find that it is better to ignore then talk about it...
You have heard many a time the incident of people crossing the road because a relative has died or got a serious illness. This is because people are not very good at dealing with these situations and so it is left unsaid. But for the other person they feel ignored and let down....i know its slightly different, but its similiar in the sense of just being pushed aside...I learned just to keep it to the people that care and want to ask and i have found that i have confided in them only. My mum means well, but its a subject that isn't often discussed, but i understand where she is coming from....i suppose its about protection...
I hope i haven't gone on...
You know where i am if you want to chat..
lots of love astridxxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Ruby, I'm late with this post so I'll make it quick but just to say my heart has gone out to you and I'm really so sorry about what happened as I can only begin to imagine how much agonising you went through before finding the strength to try again. What you said really struck a chord with me; your birthday is a precious thing and good for you for consciously trying to ensure it is celebrated despite everything. (I've just had another birthday mucked up by m/c and am so over it - next year I am determined it will be different.) I too love call screening, it's my new best friend, and like you I'm also feeling completely flattened and exhausted by what's happened. I guess while it's horrible it's also normal, which is at least something!

May the next year be a really kind to you. 

Love and hugs, B xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Ruby

Sorry I am late to this too, but wanted to send you HUGE hugs and stuff as I can imagine only too well how you have been feeling.

I too was exhausted after my last tx. In fact I was always exhausted during tx too, and others on here have mentioned I strongly suspect this was partly because I too was on the highest dose of drugs each time.

however I think the emotional side of things is just as exhausting as the physical. In 2 weeks it will be a year since we had our last tx, and there have been many ups and downs. Each time I've had a 'down' patch I have felt exhausted afterwards. Th thing about IF is that it often drags on for so long so we are talking about long term mental emotional and physical strain, not to mention the very real grief and feelings of bereavments once tx stops.

Waffling on now but wnated you to know you are soooooo normal!  

I also wanted to say that like Emcee (think its was Emcee?) said, during the healing process there were times when I got through just by telling myself to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other... sometimes literally...that way I didn't have o worry about anything past each footstep, each second of the day. A similar thing to the 'remembering to breathe' thing...although I also think that when I get stressed I forget to breathe properly which can increase anxiety feelings. I found (and still find) slow breathing exercises invaluable for helping calm me...I do them anywhere and everywhere!

Sending lots of love and hugs. You are in a safe place here. xxxxx


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