# Is there anyone in the Essex or South East area?



## Summermist (Jul 2, 2009)

My DP and I are expecting twins at the end of June and this weekend we went to a special session for multiple births. 

We have just come away from it feeling very demoralised.   The woman running it had 'introductions' at 9.30 on Saturday so I just assumed everyone would be able to say who they were, who they were with and what they knew about what they were having. I am not a person who is very confident about screaming from the rooftops that I am in a gay relationship but I went wanting to be honest with a group which had something else in common with me. I also know how hard my DP is finding the situation and truly wanted her involved.

However the leader didn't do this bit so we were left sitting there with no-one knowing who we were. In the afternoon session she referred to the husbands on a number of occasions which I knew was upsetting my DP. Being a complete airhead at the moment I didn't speak to her about it at the end like I should have done. We spoke to her the next day so hopefully in future she may handle things better.

What became clear to me was that it would be lovely to have contact with people in the same situation as us irrespective of the number of babies they are carrying or have. To know we could meet up sometimes and share stories, experiences etc. with other female/female parents would be very supportive. Seeing all the mum/dad couples exchanging contact details made me feel very left out and different from everyone else in the room which was horrible. God knows how my DP felt. 

It is only now that we have reached this stage do I realise how important it is to have the support of others in our situation.

If there is anyone from the Essex/South East area we would love to hear from you.


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## starrysky (Dec 6, 2004)

Hi Summermist

Congratulations on your impending arrivals!!

We are across the water in Kent, don't know where in Essex you are but after being out at the London "We Are Family" event and thinking about our relatively isolated situation here (again) we were talking about seeing if there was anyone in Essex that might want to meet up as really you are not too far away. We have friends who are a two mum family with an eight month old girl and we have a 3 1/2 year old boy. Our other friends, who are a two mum family with two boys have just moved up North. We have tried really hard to find local families with limited success.

I am sorry you had that experience in the group. I had similiar when I joined the local new mums group. I just didn't say when I first joined and it got harder and harder.  

There is a south east london lesbian mums group and a group in Tower Hamlets too if you are interested in going into London. We wanted to try to set up something that wouldnt involve travelling in and out of London and even advertised in the Medway Mama who have a readership of 20,000 parents, and had one response!

I think Twinmummy is in Essex (another set of twins) and there is also Dominique in Tunbridge Wells. Maybe we could do an alternating north and south of the river meet up!! 

All the best

Starrysky


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## Chloe2010 (Mar 7, 2010)

Hi
I am starting treatment in May and my partner and I would love to get to know other gay couples in similar situations. We are in Ipswich and have friends in London but would like to get to know people  a bit closer to home. Would be good to chat.


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## deemo (Oct 13, 2009)

Hello and sorry about your experience, how awfully ignorant of her...

If you fancy a trip to East London, the Rainbow parents group gathers every first Sunday of the month at Positive East, 159 Mile End Road, E1 (seem to remember it's 2-5pm but make sure to check first). Really worth going along for a cup of tea, you'll find loads of women in a similar situation to yours (and lots of babies too!) and it's really nice to have a chat. I haven't been for a while (we're trying, not succeeded yet) but everyone was everso friendly. Contact them on [email protected]


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Hi Summermist,

I'm in the Portsmouth area so way down on the south coast.... currently on a BIG ttc break due to my relationship breakdown... deciding what to do next...

Congrats on your twinnie BFP...

Em x


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

Hi Summermist, what a shame about the multiple birth support group, and the lack of introductions - it doesn't sound like the best of ways to have started the session for any of the parents attending, but particularly not for you, when there is already a point of difference from the other parents.
My wife and I went to NCT antenatal classes, and at least the introductory stage gave us a chance to make at clear that we were a couple expecting a child together, rather than just friends/sisters/mother + daughter or whatever other scenarios might have been in peoples' minds. However, our class tutor did keep talking about mums/dads (which is of course the scenario they are used to dealing with) rather than mums/partners, which was annoying/confusing/upsetting (especially as we had asked in advance of the class for the tutor to consider using the word partner where possible so that Karen wasn't excluded). We spoke to the tutor after the first session, and she did make a lot more effort after that (we had several classes). We were fully accepted by the other members of the group, perhaps in part because we made it fairly clear that we didn't expect to be treated any differently from anyone else (if that makes sense) - the having a first baby part was the thing that we all had in common, and the fact that we were 2 women having a baby rather than a woman+man was pretty irrelevant (although it's far easier if you explain from the outset exactly how you went about it, or people may imagine all kinds of weird and wonderful scenarios!!). I've just found it best to be upfront and matter of fact about it all, and you will find yourself "coming out" as being a lesbian parent probably more than you've had to before once your babies are here, as you'll inevitably get all the "do they look like their daddy" kind of comments   (which you can choose to answer as clearly or oblqiquely as you feel able to at the time!). I think that it's very important to have contact with other parents who are going to give birth around the same time as you - it's an incredibly bonding experience, and the contact can be pretty much life-saving in the early weeks/months, as you all struggle with the same issues. Was the multiple birth class a one-off? and was it entirely up to you indivdually to swap details with the other couples? Not a very helpful way of organising it - I would suggest that you see if you can get anyone elses's contact details via the organisers (maybe e-mail addresses), and, if you feel able, maybe take the lead by suggesting meeting up for a coffee, as it's a lot easier to chat/get to know people outside the confines of a class. Are you doing any other ante-natal classes? 
All that said, it is of course important to find other 2-female-parent families as well - in a sense you'll need 3 different types of support netwoks - the lesbian mums, the multiple-birth mums, and the mums giving birth at the same time as you! 
We're Essex-based by the way - in Colchester (so not at all far from you Chloe - where are you going to be having treatment??!). Which bit of Essex are you in Summermist? Our son Toby is 3, but he's interested in pregnant bellies/babies (as am I!)


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

i'm sorry you've had a rubbish experience with the multiple birth group. how group leaders handle these situations makes ALL the difference to the attendees' experiences. we were lucky with our nct group, i know others that weren't with theirs.

i always seem to be plugging the same messageboard (click _here_) but it is genuinely good for meeting other female couples trying for and having babies so i'm doing it again . they organise regular meets both in london and around the south east, and others around the country. more specifically there's a picnic on 9 May in central london. mostly the attendees have children/babies already but there's at least one pregnant person going without children and i'm sure there's another who is pregnant with twins coming and they come from all directions, some cambridge way, some essex etc.. pem is also trying to organise a meet on this board on one of the other threads but not sure where it will be...

what we go through as same-sex parents is so different and specific (and our children go through it too) that it really is important to make connections with others the same. the reality of day to day life and my particular geographical location mean that most of my interactions are with other straight mummies. all my friends that i see day to day are straight, mostly with husbands, very conventional, and of course i wouldn't swap them because they are my friends. however, the friends i have made through these types of board, the ones i don't see very often some hardly ever, the ones who's families mirror our own hold so much value. to us and our children. i was never comfortable in shouting my sexuality from the rooftops and it's true that when you have children in our situation you have to come out ALL the time and just be frank with everyone (and you really do have to if you don't want your children growing up to think there's something 'wrong' with what you are). i have been caught out a couple of times, in particular once in the dentist's waiting room i got chatting to someone who assumed i had a husband, i was too tired to correct her, thought i'd never see her again but she turned out to be the mother of someone i was at school with and started asking all kinds of questions about what he did, where he worked etc. and i had to correct her after letting her think i had a husband. mortifying. since then, i've been up front with everybody and it is exhausting and tedious but does get easier. sorry tangent... point is, i've found it empowering and normalising to meet other lesbian mums and so much more valuable than other 'motherhood' groups i've attended (not that they weren't valuable in their own ways). of course, i might feel more strongly about this because we did relocate to the heterosexual heartlands, there are lesbians around but none with children... or at least in 4 years we haven't found them. still looking though


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## Summermist (Jul 2, 2009)

Thanks everyone for your responses.  

It is very comforting to know there are others out there who have had similar circumstances. 

Starrysky We are in the Chelmsford area so Kent is not too far at all. We would love to meet up. Did you explain who you were at the local mums groups in the end or stop going?

Chloe2010 Thanks for replying. Where are you starting treatment?

Demmo Thanks for the information about Rainbow parents it sounds interesting. If you go let me know.

Lesbo_mum Thanks for replying. Hope you are doing ok after your split. Its really sad.  

Nismat I think these people are programmed to say mum and dad but they really need to move with the times don't they. I think with the twin connection it would have been really nice to have got to know people better. That is another problem of a one off weekend when you don't see people on lots of occasions. We all wrote our numbers on a piece of paper but I came away not being able to match the faces to the numbers. Colchester is just up the A12 from us. We are in Chelmsford.

Rosypie Thanks for the information about the London meets. You are completely right about having to be more open when you have children and they need to know their family is no different from anyone elses. Your dentist story is a funny one! Scary what a small world it is out there.


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## helen 17 (Oct 14, 2009)

Hi we are in South East London and have eight week old twin boys and would like to meet others in a similar situation.

We never made it to a twin or any other antenatal session as the day we were due to attend our little boys decided it was time to make an appearance 5 weeks early but perfect!

We are also not very outwardly gay but have made a conscious decision to explain to people even random strangers that we are both the boys mummies as if we are not confident in our situation how can we expect our children to grow up feeling it is normal. 

Dont think anything could prepare you for the number of people who will stop and talk to you as soon as you step out of the front door so you get plenty of opportunities to practice your explanation! In fact our first trip to Sainsburys took over 3 hours as stopped so many times by people who ask the strangest questions.

Let us know if you fancy meting up. Enjoy these last weeks with a bump as although it is obviously fantastic having our beautiful boys we both miss talking to the bump...


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## Twinmummy (Jul 17, 2008)

Hi Everybody.

My partner chris and I (Nina) have 3 year old twins boys and a little girl who is 8 months old 

Summermist -People can be so rude cant they. Your right ....people really do need to move with the times. It was only last week we were booking our wedding (sorry 'CIVIL Partnership'!!) when the lady at our chosen venue handed the form to chris and i to sign which only had a space for a bride and groom signature ! i couldnt beleive it, surely 5 years after it became legal they should have the correct paperwork for us lot by now lol !!

We live in Leigh on sea in essex and would be great to get togther with you all.

We are actually quite lucky as have a few friends in the same situation as us who live near. I met one of them on here actually 'CUTELITTLEPUMPKIN' and her DW. They have twin boys and are expecting another set of twins in nov. We go to the local multiples playgroup here and thankfully everyone there is totally cool with us and just accept we are a normal family too. Such a shame not everyone is the same ! 

Well perhaps we could organise one big meet up somewhere nice in the hot summersun near to all of us ??

let me know who is interested


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## Summermist (Jul 2, 2009)

Hi Twinnmummy, Thanks for responding to my post.   Yeah I have read about Cutelittlepumpkin with has second set of twins on the way!!! Ours are 2 boys aswell.  

Can I ask you and Helen 17 how you got through the last weeks. I am finding sleeping really hard. I can't seem to get comfortable, I have tried the pillow between the legs etc. My main problem is that the boys feel really tight in my bump and there is no give so I often have a head or maybe a bum sticking out of me which can be quite uncomfortable. I am carrying quite low as well which is making walking hard work. I must say I haven't had any backache which I am very pleased about as was expecting to get it badly. Any advice??

The idea of a big meet up in the summer sounds great.


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## starrysky (Dec 6, 2004)

Dear South East Folks (and others interested in visiting us)

What about a meet up then on a lovely summers day. I was going to say the beach at Leigh on Sea (there is a beach isnt there?) but thinking of the teeny weeny babies that will be around maybe a park - any ideas? 

We could bring our local two mum and baby friends.

How about Saturday 24/25 or Sunday 1st August? 

Heather x


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## helen 17 (Oct 14, 2009)

Hi

We would be happy to meet up in the summer but as our boys will only be six months old the park is probably best for us, happy to go with the majority though.

When it comes to sleeping Summermist Lisa found it difficult in the last few weeks also and slept almost upright but on her left side on a pile of pillows. Think we actually get more sleep now we have the boys than we did in the month before they were born. She found a bump bound really helped with the weight of the bump when walking around.

How have you found the warm weather? We are still trying to master how many layers the boys need as they always seem to be wearing more than other babies we see.


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## cutelittlepumpkin (Nov 1, 2007)

Hey Summermist,

Congratulations on your twin !

We were very lucky that our midwife ran our local antenatal classes, so although alot of the information wasn't relevant to a twin  , she was aware of our situtation and made an effort to include us! Although I am the sort of person that would happily heckle and correct her though! I am who I am and don't give a   who knows!

As Nina mention we too are in Essex, in Westcliff On Sea, and a Summer meet up sounds great, not sure about the beach with two toddlers running in different directions and a bump though! The park would be great! DW and myself don't driver so Leigh area would be fab for us, or somewhere near a train station!

CLP


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## SANFRAN06 (Apr 27, 2008)

We are in hoddesdon, herts and we would love to meet others. Our boys are 20 months now and beleive me it just gets better and better. They are great fun now and amuse themselves most of the time!!!
good luck with all your pregnancys.
CLP, All well with you Very exciting!


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## cutelittlepumpkin (Nov 1, 2007)

Hey SANFRAN,

long time no 'see'! I'm puking for England even worst than the first time but I'll take that as a good sign! And   it settles in the 2nd trimester!?

CLP


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## marmite (Feb 28, 2006)

Hi
we are a small group that meets up about once a month in St Albans.

We go to the park, meet for coffee and go to soft play areas etc depending on the weather

Trish


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## Summermist (Jul 2, 2009)

Cool,

That was funny, not been on here in about 10 weeks as I've had my hands full with twins and its lovely to get a post on my original thread!

That sounds good can I have details of next meet?

If anyone who originally replied to this thread and still want to meet up let me know.   

Hi Helen if your reading this hope to see you all soon.


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