# its the future that scares me



## ticker

having come to terms that me amd my beautiful hubby will never have a child my fear has grown to what will happen us in later life?  no children = no grand children etc and i cant believe this is it!  42 and  nothing but pain and loss but god knows how an amazing strength!  when you know its all over and the bubble has burst what do you do?....................... pretend its ok cause thats easier!


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## meerkatz

Dear Ticker

Ive no words of wisdom to offer you, all I can say is that I truly understand how you feel, im same age as you, both hubby and I ended treatment nearly two years ago yet I am stuck in this lonely, painful place, finding it difficult to accept that we will never have children.  I find that just when you think your are feeling okay, a 'bite in the bum' moment happens out of the blue such as seeing happy families together, pg women, babies, they are everywhere Just want to send you a big  , please feel free to pm me if you want to talk, the hardest part about ending treatment and trying to move on is feeling that you are on your own but by posting on here we are reaching out to each other somehow 

Meerkatz xx


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## Myownangel

One thing for sure - you are not alone! I am 43 now and I'm gradually coming to accept it. It seems we will grieve many times over this - first the shock of discovering we are infertile, then the ordeal of treatment that doesn't work, then the acceptance, then when the periods stop, and finally – as if we hadn't had enough – we have to deal with broody grandmothers clucking about their grandkids. I don't think the answer is to pretend it's ok - but maybe to work towards getting to a point where it actually is ok. And that is not easy. For me, I have to believe that some day it will be ok. You know, the other day to my great surprise, the thought crossed my mind that it would actually be quite inconveient if I fell pregnant now - I have too much else to do and just think about those early mornings (!) So maybe, in time, these maternal urges will be re-routed into something else.
But I know what your going through as I still get tripped up by those feelings all the time. You will find a way through. This board helps. 
Bernie xxx


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## ~Twinkle~

Ah Ticker sending hug,

please dont feel sad about the future, I felt like that untill myself and my husband decided that Ive was not going to over take out lives and become an obsession not to mention making a hole in out pockets.  It comes to a time in your life where you think do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a 'mother', and do I want to stop putting all those drugs into my body and start giving the love and affection an unwanted childs needs 

You have probablly guessed I've adopted and yes I'm blessed to be a mother at last now I'm living life and our little one has a forevever mummy and daddy and a wonderful family who have welcomed her into their lives.

(I'm an older mum too).

Its the best desition we ever made.   

Something to consider.

Good luck in your journey.

God Bless
Twinkle. 

(I feel blessed to have adopted)


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## Irish Dee

Hello ladies,

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago after my 1st BFN.  Hope it makes sense.

********************************************************************************************

It's important to remember.....................

To try to make some sense of the infertility nightmare, I've tried to put down a few thoughts about how I feel about it all.  

Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place.  Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations.

We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together.  We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one.

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness. 

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 37, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's. 

I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend  lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we will hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons.  

Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have?  If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it?  The answer is no.

Most people struggle with something.  Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love.  I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to upset your life.  

I have to believe that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents.  

Every success story that I read on FF has the same message.  Everyone says that as soon as you hold your little one in your arms, the years of pain and heartache just melt away.

If that is the case, I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.

I only have one life and this is my intention.  I'm going to enjoy mine.  I'm going to enjoy my husband.  I'm going to enjoy my friends.  I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)

I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!

Babydust to all,

Dee


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## Pol

Hello

You don't have to be alone when you're old just because you don't have grandchildren!  It's all about how you have lived life and whether you have continued to keep in touch with the younger generations.  I am going to the 90th birthday party tomorrow of a man I would truly count as a friend.  He's amazing because when you talk to him you forget his age - it's just him, a truly interesting, compassionate and fun person who happens to have about 3 times the life experience I have.  

Yes, I've felt like you do, but I've come to realise that it doesnt' have to be like that if I dont' let it.  And in any case there are plenty of very sad older people who do have families that they never see for one reason or another.  

Those of us who are destined to live without a direct family at least know that the younger people who spend time with us do it out of true friendship, not a sense of duty.  They may be younger colleagues, nieces and nephews, neighbours, friends made through hobbies or anything really.  I am so much more active and social now then my sister with baby is (ok it's taken me a while to get there - there was some serious grieving to be done first!) and I dont' see why that shouldn't continue for as long as I'm healthy enough to get out there.  I hope that for as long as I'm supportive of others they will want to continue to see me even if I am housbound one day!

Good luck, but please don't be afraid - apart from anything else it will limit you in what you do and who you are!  I truly believe that the sadness has helped me to group, but the scaredness has held me back.

Jx


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## lilacbunnykins

i know how u feel,i am 43 this year and still dont have a child of my own,i cant get that feeling out of my mind,the feeling that i will proberly never have a child of my own,im looking into surrogasy but dont think that will happen as i dont have the thousands most surros want...but cant give up the thought of being a mum,its not easy...if u want to pm me please do <<hugs>> sue x


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## Montagne

Wise, wise words Dee and J, thank you  
I too get scared about the thought of the future, but am slowly beginning to realise as J says that it's all about who I include in my life - my choice. I had a bad day on Monday following a weekend of 3 births (two of which were announced at work) - it's not often these days that I feel so tripped up by it all, but all I could do was live the sadness before picking myself up and getting on with something else........

We will all feel stronger as the days, weeks, months and years go by......

S
X


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## ticker

thanks to all who have responded to this thread! its been a while since i was last here as ive had some time off work due to a job change and managed to spend some time at home! your words have certainly helped and i hope that each day i move on that wee bit more!
thanks again and my thoughts are with you too x


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## Pol

Hello ladies

I thought I'd post this - a lovely story about how a childless old age needn't be a lonely one!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8070848.stm

Jx

/links


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## beachgirl

I heard about this yesterday and thought how nice it was x


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## Pol

It's funny, in all the reporting the childnessless has been pretty much glossed over, but for me it was what I picked up and was quite inspirational!

Jx


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## Emeraldgirl

Morning to all

I have just stumbled on this thread so hope you dont mind me posting.  I am inspired by the words of Dee and J.  You have really made me think about things and I am definitely going to appreciate my DH  a lot more, as he is a wonderful man and has been the greatest support to me. 

And if our family is going to be just the 2 of us forever more then its not a bad thing, I know I'm luckier than most because I have him.

Thanks for making me stop and think.  We all need that sometimes. 

Have a good weekend all.

Dee xx


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## annacameron

This is a great thread, probably the most helpful one I've seen on the boards. 

Thank you ladies for your honest and thought provoking analysis of where we are are.


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## Shirley1975

Hi
this is my first posting and talking about my circumstance. I was up again last night in the early hours crying over the comments others had written and relating it with myself. I found myself waking in the early hours most nights, during the day i find my brain goes dumb with the thought of never having a child with my husband James.
I always dreamt as a little girl and in my teens of having my own family. At 30 i was married to James and after two years planned to have children. I did everything right. but i was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. (the pill had hidden the symptoms for along time.) I had to under go four lots of surgery last year with resulted in parts of my bowel been removed and having to live with a stoma for a year. This was reversed in Feb this year. Yippee we thought we could start the IVF. While having my first scan, they found that the endometriosis has returned and that they could not access my cervix. This has resulted in me needed further surgery this sept. Also the worse impact for me is that this has resulted in my chances of successful IVF are down to remote. (they can never say never).
I can not see a future with children, i have lost all interest in my crafts, as i always saw them as things to share with children and grandchildren. Now i see them just been put in a skip when i pass away and some stranger comes in to do a house clearance...Been in a home with no family to keep me company.
I have a very small circle of friends, thats just how i am. i spend alot of time with my crafts, family and James. I also see the sadness in my family that they will not have grandchildren.
I feel i have no-one i can turn too and talk with about how i feel deep inside. James says it is sad that we will not have the opportunity to experince children in our lives. i don't want to burden him with my feelings, and feels that my feelings are over the top. are they? is life that simple without children. what do you focus on. i have never focused on work, i wanted to be a mother at home until they went to school.
thank you for listening
shirley


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## beachgirl

Shirley    oh sweetheart, I can so feel your pain, you've been through so much with all the surgery and stoma and now with further surgery planned. It's so hard isn't it when all you've dreamt about is a future with children.  As you say IVF cannot yet be ruled out so don't think its over hun...x

I'm also sure that although your family are sad, it's a sadness for you and what you might not have , if you know what I mean  

As for focusing on a life without children, it's hard, I'm sure everyone on here will agree..I never had a 'career' as such always thinking from meeting my husband at 19 that we would have ' a family' so I can't throw myself into work...I know it's hard for you to focus on your crafts but maybe you could use these to help you have contact with other children...what about starting up a night class or going into hospitals and sharing your crafts there? or going into schools etc?

Anyway, I'll stop wittering now but here if you want to talk x


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## Shirley1975

when we got married my father-in-law straight away made hints about when he would have grandchildren. He works as a class room technician in Cornwall, he loves been around children, He talked about having them to stay in the summer holidays, as they have a small holding, great for the grandchildren to learn about animals and run about all summer. I see the sadness in his eyes. It makes me cry now writing about this.. I know he feels sadness for me and James but that sadness is there for him too. and i can't blame him.
I know James loves me more than anything, but in my heart (because i love him so much.) i wunder if he would find more forfullment with someone who can give him children. I know this is irrationaly but i can't help those throughts creeping in.
Maybe one day I will be ready to spend time, being around children, but it hurts me....I still can't stop being emotionaly about it.
I want my mum here to cuddle me. (she lives out in Australia so i have to hold back about how i really feel, as she will feel worse for not been there for me.) 
it is bringing so much out of me typing this. James is up stairs reading while i cry to myself down her.


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## beachgirl

Shirley    have you spoken with James about how you really feel?  You need someone there to give you a big hug, is there any chance that your mum could fly over or after the surgery you could go and spend some time out there? x


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## Shirley1975

thank you for listening. My mum is actually over to visit family (my sister has a little boy) next week, I hope i can open up to her and tell her how i feel, but i don't want her going back to AUS wishing she could be here for me. I want her to enjoy her stay. But yes i will get my big hug then. abit worried i will break down crying as soon as i see her at the airport..
just starting to talk to you about this is helping, knowing someone is listening is comforting. 
thank you


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## Emeraldgirl

Shirley

My heart just goes out to you and I can really feel your pain through your posts.  But I agree with the other comments, could you open up to your husband, he is the person closest and nearest to you.  And I'm sure he's going through pain too.  Also, I'm sure you wouldn't ruin your mothers holiday.  Opening up to her or your husband would certainly help.  But we are always here for you. 

Dee xx


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## Sonybear

Sending you big hugs Shirley


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## jessica42

Hi, it is scary, and it will have ups and downs and a range of emotions, one day fine, next day not. I'm coming to terms with my failed IVF and IUI which happened in April/May.  I would appreciate any advice though on the other area in my life which seems to be taking a turn for the worse, I'm not sure if it's because of the failures or not. My partner has 2 children from a previous marriage.  For the last year I have focused completely on getting pregnant, nothing else, didn't go out, no hobbies nothing. It was difficult to accept that at 42, it is highly unlikely/not likely at all to happen. But I am coming to terms with it, i did feel very distressed/emotional/envious of others and so on, but in recent weeks I've been feeling much better and more accepting of it.  My partner is complaining that I am not giving enough of my time to his two children. They are good kids and I get on fine with them, but I've never felt the urge to bond with them really closely. For me, and I think for them also, I'm a kind of Aunt who floats around the place, in and out when they are with their dad. I have suggested in the past that we take them out on a Sunday when he has them at weekends, but he always seems to be busy, or doesn't want to go, so I go off and do my own thing. Saturdays I take my elderly mum out as my dad passed away.  I do chat with his kids and all the rest, sometimes play with them and so on, but I don't make it my no. 1 priority I'm afraid. We have two houses (its complicated) we live in one 3 days a week and the other 4 days a week. I also have two dogs, who I love, but who my partner thinks I put before him!! (maybe I do!).  I and a few ladies from work are thinking of doing aerobics one evening a week, and I have been told that it's all about me, and that I am being selfish, that I can make time for this but not for his kids.  They live with their mother, and my partner and her get on fine also.  I don't have any strong feelings for his children, in a maternal way and I never will as they are not mine, and I can't help feeling that way. I don't have any resentment towards them, but I do need to fill my time a little with things I enjoy, and do for myself. They are well adjusted and have everything they need, and I'm just trying to give myself a little pamper time so to speak. My partner now says I need counselling as I am harbourin  bitterness over the IVF.  I'm not, and I don't feel I need counselling at all - we cant always get what we want, and that's life. Sometimes when I'm on my own, I do get upset and I cry about not having a child of my own to love and care for. But i have never been bitter of others who have children. But they are their children, not mine. Does anyone understand where I am coming from here? Thanks for reading this.


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## Pol

Just want to say (am in a real rush so excuse the brevity!) that that makes a lot of sense to me - and also they already have a mum so they don't need you to be one!! - I would have thought that 'a sort of aunt' was a very good sort of relationship to have with them and will be very beneficial to them as they grow older!

Speaking from absolutely no experience of step-families whatsoever that is ...  

Jx


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## Shirley1975

One thing i am learning from reading other posting on this site, is that i should do things for me. enjoy the life i have. I am finding this hard, and still cry at night, but at least it's another thought that passes through my mind. I treasure my husband, but still can't tell him my deep feelings, he obviously knows i am upset by our outcome, but he has his work and hobby. The one feel i lack is a close friend i can talk too. I have moved about so much i have never built that kind of friendship. I have friends from school, but they are casual friendships. This is something i hope to amend. I am looking at starting to go to church, to feel that i belong somewhere, not sure how will this will go, i went to church once before in my life when i needed comforting and it worked. So now in a new village, i am going to give this ago.
This site is a great comfort. I find myself reading replys in the early hours when i can't sleep.
My heart goes out to everyone.


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## jessica42

One thing is clear,we all understand how the other is feeling on this thread. Shirley, you've had a very rough time of it, and I understand your holding back from totally opening up to your husband. Even the most understanding man would never fully understand the empty void of not being able to have a child of our own. Its a womans natural instinct to want children and to be deprived of it is heartbreaking. My family don't know i had ivf, they would think i was far too old to be going down that road, so I have to keep it to myself most of the time. My partner always said he would love to have a daughter. He is 7 years younger than me and I often think that in time we will fall apart due to my age, although he has said we won't. But he doesnt understand where i am at, trying to fill my time. As i said, he thinks i am being selfish, he isnt the best at understanding the emotional level of a woman...Pol, you seem like a strong lady, and I have no doubt that you will pound on through the difficulties and come out the other end. I'm not bitter, but it just isnt fair is it. I have no problems all the tests came back fine and theoretically, the ivf should have worked, or the iui, but nothing but my age is against me.   the relationship is under strain because my partner says i've changed since the ivf, of course i've changed a bit. I was so hopeful before, and now nothing. But i stay cheerful and positive on the outside as i don't want to appear miserable. We're all in a tough place, in our varied lives, so here's a hug to you all from me   cause it's tough going!


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## Pol

No, it's not fair, it really isn't   

And I hope I'm not too strong   I do empathise, honestly!

Jx


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## Shirley1975

My mum has arrived back from Aus for a visit. I am slowly giving her bits of how i really feel and trying to get across how it is really affecting me. I never thought i would find it this hard to show i can not cope. Guess i was always the strong sensible daughter, that i could get through most things. Hopefully by the time she goes back, i will have more support from her. rather than me having to support my sister as she is a single mum. (but planned single mum i must add, though my mother doesn't know that part!) and be understanding for her situation. This really hurts, even my sister just sent me a text when i told her my news, it's as if it hasn't happened to me.....


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## Pol

Being the 'strong sensible one' is a bit of a burden ... I've had that problem (my sister is the 'little emotional one that needs petting and looking after').  Well done on opening up to your mum and good luck in getting thigns across in the way you want   

Jx


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## beachgirl

That makes three of us...even though my sister is 6 years older it's me who is the sensible, dependable one...


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## Shirley1975

I was chating to my friend out in Florida today, and found i was starting to see our future differently. Instead of been upset about not having children/gran children to leave our life belongings to and carry on our memories.... I found myself saying that i will be that old lady that lives down the road making cards and quilts for charties and living with my husband, cats and dogs..and when our time comes will leave everything to a charity and our pets...I have found this comforting that i can see my future without children, and that instead of my children benifiting from our gains, charities will gain so much...so we are not working towards nothing..


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## Pol

We certainly aren't!  In fact I feel that not having children gives you the chance to be less selfish and much more giving in every area of life.  As a parent it is your responsibility to put your children first and in terms of time, effort, money etc you husband all resources to give them the best possible chance in life.  Very few parents stop and ask themselves whether their children really need all the money spent on them they get, and I can totally understand why.  We have the option to think about where all our effort will make the most difference - it can be quite an inspiring thought!  I know if I'd had children I would have been totally wrapped up in them largely to the exclusion of all else - I feel I'm a much better person for not having them   as I've been forced to really think about what my aims in life are and what will make me proud to look back on when I'm old.

Well done Shirley - it's a strange thing isn't it when you start to imagine a future 'just the two of you' - to start with it came in fits and starts for me and I felt guilty from time to time about feeling better   

J


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## Shirley1975

Its is so strange for the past god knows how many years i have always wanted children. I even focused my job around being able to go part time, the travel home so could spend more time at home with the children. Rather than the job itself....I never thought i would get to this stage of a complete re-think and actually starting to look forward to the new challenges that i am now setting myself. We are even thinking about in a few years of my husbane working abroad somewhere. I recently got into quilting which is great as made loads of new friends, several are from aus and they have come over here to work. (well their husbands have they just quilt.) So hey we can do it the over way and go there!!
This is just such a breath of fresh air to feel this way. I hope others make it here too.
I still have my downers don't we all but they are getting less.


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## Gaylee

I am nodding in sympathy to your every word. I too am trying to learn how to face a childless future - my dilemna is a soulmate who is perfect in almost every respect apart from not wanting children. He finally realised this after we reached the top of the waiting list for egg donorship and actually had a donor. Since then my life has taken a HUGE U turn in the wrong direction.

I have good times and bad times and can find it hard to talk about. One thing I have realised is that childlessness need not mean a life without children. I am trying slowly to build a positive picture of how my life can be. My main urge has always been to give something back - through my job as a teacher, to my partner and relatives and friends. Enjoying my freedom seems selfish at present and I want to find an outlet that satisfies my urge to give but also gives back. Not sure what this will be as yet - I want to spend more time with my sister's 2 boys and then look into fostering or sponsoring a child.Toughest of all is building a new future and identity from the one I had imagined and facing the future - this sometimes scares me. I always hoped I could pass family things on - sayings, traditions, recipes, values, etc - it saddens me to think I will be the end of the line. I may not be a mother but I can be a great partner, daughter, Auntie, Godmother, friend and (my saving grace) teacher. This I hope will fill some of the gap and ache and help pass on some of those things. 

Can I recommend the book "Beyond Childlessness" by Rachel Black and Louise Skull - it is aimed at every woman who ever wanted a child and didn't. I have just got it from my local library and just wish I had come across it earlier.


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## Shirley1975

Hi Gaylee

Thank you for the book recommdation. it sadly is not listed at my library but is on amazon secondhand books, so will be giving it ago. 

Sorry to hear your news about your partners decision..it must have been hard for him to tell you how he felt..i gather from your message that you are still together, you must have a strong relationship to get through his decision.

good luck in finding your outlet. I am now also starting to do volunteer work for the red cross. I am starting slowly doing 'home from hosiptal' work which is just a few hours here and there. I hope in years to come i will commit more time and find a purpose and feel like i have something to work towards. kinda of my outlet.
I also struggle with my memories and belongings, thinking already at just 34 what will become of them when my time comes..I have done scrap booking for years with the vision of sitting down with grandchildren showing them off....now where will they go...i struggle to pick them up these days to complete them...ocassionaly it occurs to me that when i am old enough to be a granny, I would enjoy looking at them, remembering my youth..And that i will make cards and quilts for charity rather than my children/granchildren...
it really is just about re-focusing.. i know this..but i also know it's not that simple..from a little girl you dream of a family..you can't just turn those emotions of, doubt if i ever will..

thinking of you Gaylee


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## Shirley1975

I go in for another op on tuesday, i am already getting nervous about this, The outcome will be either okay give IVF a chance you have a 20% chance or the worst case that IVF is a no go.
I have tried preparing myself for the worse, but i know deep down i am praying that it's my turn for some good news. that i least i should be given the chance of IVF.
My DH is in Australia on work at the moment, he flies back the day before i go in, which isn't helping as know one to talk.


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## ticker

it has been so long since i last posted on here and for that i apologise!  so much has happened........ we decided that for us if children wernt going to come to us then we needed to go to them!! after many months and many feelings we were finally approved as foster carers! for the last few months a young man has been living in our home and has made such a difference to our lives and quite frankly the most amazing awarding and fantastic decision we ever made! he brings joy fun laughter and of course the odd mood and untidy room!!! we know we are not this boys parents but while he stays with us he is part of our family and will remain so till he has to leave!  love is not biological    .......... love is caring and nuturing and just being there!! it has been a very tough journey and a longer road .......but we finally found where we were looking for!!!  x


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## Pol

Wow - how fantastic!  It's so lovely to hear something like that - and I'm in awe of foster carers in general I have to say!!!

I'd totally fogotten about this thread and it's a bit odd reading what I wrote then and thinking how long ago it now seems.

I've also found a new path - I've now got 24 children to work my socks off for, laugh over, cry over and generally enjoy the company of, having become a primary school teacher.  For me it's the best thing ever, and definitely not something I would have thought of doing if I'd had my own as I'd be wanting to give them all my time and energy.  Being a teacher fills a big chunck of that empty hole for me - not all of it, and yes, there are still lonely feelings and general 'why do I have no friends any more' feelings (and don't talk to me about Christmas!!) but it's a great feeling, being there for these little (or in fact not so little) people!

Jx


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## ticker

wow now that is amazing and a career i have been thinking about! perhaps we could arrange a time for a chatb and you could give me some advice on how to start again.  i adore the job im in but if i dont change now i may never do so! thanks for your reply!  t


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