# Do Men accept its over before Women???



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Girls

There is something that a couple of girls brought up in other postings concerning their DH/DP and accepting the reality of IF, long before women can accept it..This really rang a bell with me because i think alot of us are in the same boat, as I also found that my DH was ready to 'give up' long before me.
I am not saying that they do not feel the pain and emotion that goes with the IF journey and the loss of not getting their own child. I just think that maybe they cope differently to us. As my hubby puts it 'Men tend to deal with things in a logical way and women have to deal with the maternal instincts that is beyond logic....i am not quoting all men see it like this, but there seems to be alot of us out there, who's partners feel this way.
It seems from a female point of view that they seem to be out of that misery and accept its over long before us. They seem to bounce back to a normality and get up in the morning and just enjoy life. Although they are supportive with our situation it seems as if there is a time when turning a corner comes quicker to them than us.
What do you think!
love astridxx
I hope i am not presuming but what do you think?


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Astrid

I think its down to men looking at the world differently to women. Men are not built to nurture and women are. They are problem solvers, so its easier for them to look at the future and outside of the box so to speak whereas we have our hormones and our whole sense of self wrapped up in becoming a parent. Therefore its only natural we should feel this way. 

Men don't have to contend with all the aspects of being a woman. They don't have a period every month, they don't have the same conversations with their male mates as we do with our female mates. Women always talk about things that are close to their hearts - often this can be their own families - men can go sit and have a pint and talk about the rugby, or anything that is not 'up close and personal'. It can be very isolating being in our position when surrounded by others who have families, and it can be a lot to deal with. Blokes don't have the same problem because most men don't talk about their kids incessantly!

I think we as women are surrounded by so many things that remind us of our empty arms - if you look in a magazine or on the TV there are ads for baby products or pregnancy. If you walk into a department store you will stumble across kiddys clothes. Even something as simple as buying clothes reminds us - there is usually maternity wear available in every department store I know that sells clothes. Even if you go to a public loo chances are there is a baby changing facility. So there are constant reminders everywhere in our lives, about what we have not got, and what we will never have. Men don't have to deal with these things in the same way.

I hope this waffle made sense  

Lots of love to you
Emcee xxxxx


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## ks123 (Nov 27, 2005)

Men tend to be problem solvers or go into their 'caves' and not discuss the very personal stuff, which we women do. DH says, well there was only a 10% chance of it working, so I was already accepting that it wouldn't work for us. That's not saying he wasn't upset, because he did cry when I got a BFN. It's just that he's better able to shelve it and move on. 

At the same time he is a talker and he has probably told more people than I told. Interesting for a reserved Englishman. (I'm a foreigner.) He was able to tell his male friends all about what we have been through the percentage of eggs that fertilised, the potential success rate, etc. Maybe it's because he's a scientist, so it's all very clinical. Two weeks after our failed IVF DH went to a wine tasting with the 'boys' and got a lift with a friend who had a baby back in August. Of course, they fell pregnant without even trying. Anyway, DH said he was telling Rich that the IVF hadn't worked and explaining a bit about what we'd been through and after he'd gone through it all, Rich started telling him about 'DD smiling', 'DD turning over', 'DD...'. DH turned around and said 'Rich, it's best you don't tell Katherine and I those kind of things at the moment, we really aren't up for hearing about for a while.' 

That was a bit off the topic, but maybe men do still feel it even though they've moved on. They just show it in different ways.

Love
Katherine


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## perkyone (Dec 8, 2005)

Hi,

Hope you don't mind I got my hubby to read these posts in the hope he would talk! It worked.  

We had a good chat about our situation now and I feel a little better today.  He would rather hide inside his playstation and computer games than talk.  I think he just can't deal with things just now and would rather look after me and deal with his emotions later.  Men just seem to deal with things in a different order to us women?

Emcee - I am glad I am not the only one who can't do shopping just now.  I love retail therapy but for the last three weeks I have been looked after and taken shopping by numerous family members hoping to cheer me up. I haven't purchased anything.  I can't seem to cope with other people at the moment (apart from close family).  Seeing mothers with pushchairs in the street, everyone in the world seems pregnant except me, and as for mothercare, toysRus, BabiesRus etc I can't even walk past the shops.  I hate crowds and feel trapped. .  I just don't want to face the world yet, it hurts too much. .

I usually get my hubby to do the telling of family/friends when we had a failure as I couldn't face it, he never complained.  
I knew he wouldn't cry down the phone at people as I would have done.  One person in each couple has to be the stronger one and usually it is the man, perhaps they consider it their place?  Or in my case it has to be hubby as I just can't cope any more. .

Excellent subject.  It has helped me a lot, thank you.
Perkyone.


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Yes, i think they do accept it before we do. My dh didnt tell any of his family/friends about our treatment at all!!! He is so private.When i went for a laperoscopy in 2001 he said i should tell my parents just in case anything happened under anaesthetic. i did but my mum told the whole family which i was raging about!!! 

So we didnt tell any of the family about the iui treatment beforehand. I did tell 2 friends of mine who i knew i could trust. When the iui failed i finally broke down and told mu mum and dad (separately as they are separated) as i was off work for 5 weeks and altho they knew i had an ulcer they knew it had to be more serious for me to be off work. I didnt tell dh that i told my dad tho.

After christmas i broke down again at my mums one day and mt little sister(8 yrs younger) was also there. She doesnt really understand yet and tried to mention adoption but as i have already more or less adopted my step daughter thats not an option. Then i wrote a long email to my other sister as you know and visited her a few weeks ago and told her all.I even wrote down all the dates we had done tests etc to show her.Dh doesnt know i told them but i know they wont say and it has made me feel a bit better.

Dh tho has come to terms more or less with it- unless we get a natural miracle. i dont think he is keen for me to go on clomid-for his sanity as much as mine.So i have a decision to make.He does still get upset that he cant give me a baby but is handling it. I dont think i could see him saying to a friend tho that they shouldnt mention their kids to me tho as he wouldnt want them to know about our pain. xxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

My DH kind of accepted it was over once we had been trying for over a year. I guess after all we went through with Charlie it made us realise that things don't always have a happy ending. At the moment he is 50:50 on whether to do IVF, but both my heart and head are against it. We are going to the appointment (DH wants to) but I know that I dont want to do ivf, so its really just walking the walk.

I guess we have a long way to go before either of us fully accepts its over though......


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls
I just wanted to say thankyou Perkyone for letting us know that this topic has given you an open door to chat with hubby....also that you have shared that with us... .Goodluck!
Irisheyes i think what you said about your hubby letting other people know about your treatment failing was very positive. Its true because our emotions take over and in the situation of breaking bad news my DH also used to deal with it. I was also very relieved that i could rely on him... even though i am sure it hurt, i think it was his way in playing some part in the difficult situation...
Emcee i never thought about some of things that you raised and what we have to face as women....a simple task such as going to the public toilets with mother and baby rooms. It never seems to leave us....
Maybe our roles are just slightly different but at the end of it we all feel the same way....
Debbie accepting its over I am not sure if you do, but just find a way to live with it....sad and crappy i know..
love astridxx


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## mercy (Mar 12, 2006)

Hi all, I'm new to this board but think I'd to become a member - could you add me to the list please Astrid?  

Interested in this topic as my DP and I have handled the whole thing very differently from the start and part of this I think is down to gender differences - men being more logical, problem solvers, etc - and part of it is down to personality.  I know my DP was hurt very badly by our first BFN, and I think after that he never really allowed himself to get too excited or hopeful about later cycles.  He's also carrying a lot of guilt because there is apparently nothing wrong with me (apart from being an old bird  , so he sees it as his fault that we can't have a child.  I think he really gave up after I had a miscarriage after our second ICSI, although we've had 2 more ICSI since and a FET (all negative).  He doesn't talk about it much, and he explained to me that it's his way of coping - he has to look forward and thinking about it makes him very depressed which doesn't help anyone (he's got a point!)  I, on the other hand, have thought about little else for the past 4 years, and I think this is right for me, as suppressing all the pain and pretending I don't feel like utter crap when I do, would not be good for me.  The other thing that makes it perhaps easier for men to be able not to think about it all the time is that there isn't the same focus on their bodies.  During treatments we are constantly having something monitored and monitoring our own bodies for signs.  Our DPs/DHs don't feel all the tweaks and twinges, don't know how it feels to be pre-menstrual, don't know the fear and the hope when those symptoms start in the 2ww.  It's probably just as well they don't, otherwise we'd all be crazy!  I'll be honest and say there has been the odd occasion when I've resented the fact that my DP isn't going through what I'm going through (physically or mentally) and seems able to actually focus on something else entirely for whole days and weeks at a time.  But then I know how I would feel in his position - being so powerless to help me, or influence the outcome, and not knowing what's happening in my body apart from what I tell him - and I know I would behave as he has.  He's been a constant support to me and I know that the desire to have a child is as strong for him as it is for me - he just dosen't go on and on about it like I do.  We're just different people, but we're better together!

And finally, I now feel like I am at the same point as he is - I'm beginning to try to accept that this is the way it is, and to keep on trying is just destructive.  It is hard, but it's also a relief to stop, which makes me think that it is the right time for me to make this decision.  I've actually been feeling pretty much OK in the 2 weeks since my final BFN, but I've just heard that a younger friend became an aunt yesterday and it's taken the wind out of my sails a bit - I'm sure you all know how it feels.  Which is exactly why I'd like to join this board!

Mercy


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Welcome mercy!!! And sorry too that you are moving on. Feel free to post anytime you are feeling low or anytime you are coping well!!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Mercy
Firstly i would just like to say how sorry i am that you have just gone through treatment. Its such a difficult thing to cope with, but on top of the realisation of where do we go from here? I am sad that there are more women that are faced with this and its a difficult situation to be in all round. We are there for you and each other and thank goodness we are not alone....that certainly helps on the IF journey.
Like Irisheyes said welcome onto the board......we hope that we can share our experiences as you have done and somehow find away to mend many of those open wounds..
Its a great support on this thread and to be honest i don't know where i would be without the input from everyone..its also so good to hear things from different prospectives and if we haven't thought of it at the time, we most likely have been there or dealt with it. You said about the feelings at the time resenting the fact your hubby could get on with it. I know they hurt and their pain isn't always displayed as the same as ours, but i also felt the same way at one time with my hubby as well...as he seems to get on with life alittle better than i do at times...Although having said that i do find him getting choked up over things and then i realise that his pain is the same as mine.....i suppose the key factor is sharing those crappy days... 
I hope we can offer you the support you need at this difficult time....
love astridxx


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