# Rug pulled and I'm in a collapsed heap



## Henzo (Jul 15, 2011)

Hello to the forum 

I have always put children 'on the long finger'! Have never felt old enough to be married or a mother really. Took the plunge and married 3 years ago. We've been having a lovely time hanging out together (and coping with the stress and reality of my husband's redundancy too). Have casually tried to conceive without success and it's me wonder if really it's all too late. Always said would try but if not possible then would draw a line - not interested in ivf.

Spoke to gp who referred us to nhs clinic.  Husband had 2 sperm tests - only 3% swimmers but quality ok. I chased up my referral which has now properly been sent this week - I was not on the list!

Meanwhile, on the back of poor sperm result, I got in a panic and made appointment at private Glasgow clinic (GCRM). Husband had repeated sperm test and I had Amh test and ovary scan. 

Received results through post on Thursday. Apparently I have the fertility of a 46 year old. AMH -1.0. Ovarian follicle profile suggests a reduced/negligible response. 

Have hardly stopped crying in 2 days. Feeling shocked to the core. Yesterday was really like the first day of the rest of my life as I try to come to terms with reality of situation. Of course, now I am in this situation I am desperately looking at ivf around Turkey and everywhere else (completely different to my original situation of thinking I would draw a line). 

Terrified about having to grief this loss in my life and fearful I am going to become driven crazy with seeking solutions. Have been back and forward to this site for 2 days and have learned so much already. Also fearful that this will have negative impact on our lovely relationship. We've been crying together feeling bad for ourselves but worse for the other. Holy moly! We're at the beginning though. Husband and I have a meeting with consultant August to discuss our awful results. Will try and educate myself more prior to the appointment.

Keep looking around and making lists of the all the happy and content people I  know who don't have children! I  think it's the shock of choice being taken from me that's so awful. I've also become aware of a whole section of society (those with infertility issues) that i was really quite blind to before. 

Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place and in my mind I'm jumping from feeling sorry that I'll never put a wee baby in it's pyjamas in a cot or smell their hair out the bath ( all the recent joys of my nephew - the first baby into the family). And then I see myself at the end of my life - that's pretty grim in my mind. 

Enough now! Not usually so self obsessed!! ......and for now, clinging to a tiny hope that there might be some help out there. 

Hx

Op


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## puss-in-boots (May 9, 2011)

Hi ... I didn't want to read and run.... I can't offer you much advice on IVF or your situation but what i can do is give you a huge    and letting you know that you will find loads of support, help, advice and amazing inspiring people here. 

Someone will be along shortly to give you lots of advice and positive stories which will help you move forward .... 

Good Luck with your journey   

Kat 
xxx


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## Blondebimbette (Jul 14, 2011)

Hi H

I've just read your post and can totally identify with the feelings you are describing. I to only joined this site a few days ago having hit a real low emotionally but I'll tell you what it and the people on here have already helped me more than I can tell you. You are in shock at the moment and need to give yourself time to get your head together but at least you have found one positive tool to help you cope. I too have low AMH 3.6 and have spent the last 9 months since initial ap in tests & aps until Monday we finally find out 'what we are doing treatment & funding wise' however it is true that what doesn't kill you certainly does make you stronger and the two of you stronger together. I really understand what you are saying - somedays I can't reconcile myself to the person I was 5 yrs ago when I was in blissful ignorance of my situation babywise, there are some very knowledgeable people on here but if I can help at all with my limited experience of fertility treatment/diagnosis then please do ask...

Sending you lots of love

xxx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Henzo

Didn't want to read and run  

Firstly - have a look at this thread http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=262352.msg4552468#new It is full of fabulous inspiring women who are in your position (i.e. low AMH). Some have had babies, some are pregnant and some ae still trying. You will get loads of support and advice. I personally don't post on there anymore since I had to go down the donor egg route.

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Slightly different circumstances. All through my 30s I think I denied to myself that I wanted children as I had never met a man who I trusted to have kids with. At 39 finding myself single again I realised that it was getting a bit late (if not too late already), but then two of my cousins got pregnant naturally at 44, so I naively thought I still had time. At 41 I started getting menopause symptoms and went to my GP. The day before I got my blood results I actually said to a friend that I wuld be happy if they told me I couldn't have kids as the decision would have been taken away from me! The next day I was told I was "menopausal" and I was devastated.  My devastation didn't make any sense to me at the time as I had almost convinced myself that I didn't want children. Only now I realise that I was suppressing that desire.

You have just started your journey and as someone else said, you are in shock. Give yourself some time to get over the shock and keep looking at the options open to you. Keep posting on FF and ask as many questions as you like, even if you think they are silly.

Take care of yourself and DH and good luck.
GIA Tooxxx


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2011)

Hi Henzo,

So sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time; you'll find lots of people on here who totally understand.   

Our situation is not very different to yours, although I am now 42; I found my lovely man much later and we have to ttc pretty much ever since we got together. We had 2 miscarriages last year, which were very traumatic and have just had our third unsuccessful round of ivf   So, no happy ending for me yet, but I just wanted to say a couple of things I've learned; take or leave them  

Low amh is not the end. I have an amh of 1.7 and no round of treatment has been the same. 1 egg on our first uncancelled cycle and 6 last time round! So, if you find that treatment is the best route forward for you be positive. There are a number of clinics who have great experience in dealing with women who have low amh, so you might want to look at consulting one of those.

DHEA is also looking like a good thing for many ladies and my clinic encouraged me to give it a go. There's lots of info on FF about it. I took it for 3 months before my last cycle and there's no doubt I did better, although my drug protocol had also changed (short cycle often gets better results with 'poor responders' like me).

I have no experience of it, but natural IVF or soft stimming is also a relatively new and promising option for people who don't respond as well to traditional stimming so that may be something to look at too.

DON'T GIVE UP AND DON'T PANIC! Be kind to yourselves and take comfort from each other. Hide from the world together, if you need to. When we had our last bit of bad news - failed cycle- my husband played very loud bass guitar, we danced and drank a bit too much   , so I am sure you two can be a great comfort to each other.

It's natural to want to 'do' something immediately when you find that your fertility is compromised in some way and it sounds like you're already making plans, which is great. You've got appointments booked and are reading up, so that's all positive. It is SO frustrating when you find that your body maybe isn't doing what you want it to do, but there are lots of options for you and of course I completely understand the complex emotions you have around babies. I have cried off a number of family parties in the last couple of weeks.... I don't begrudge others their happiness, but sometimes it's just a bit too raw  

Anyway, please don't hesitate to pm me if there is anything you want to ask  

Really good luck on your journey   

Jen xx


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## VixiePie (Jul 12, 2011)

There are already some brilliant replies on here with great links, so I will keep my reply short. Just wanted you to know that I've read your post and can emphasise with your situation. Know that you are not alone, having the 'choice' of children taken away is identifiably like a grievance' so don't feel bad about the grieving process, its natural to respond this way. Secondly I just wanted you to know you don't have to go through this alone and there people here who will support you all the way, including myself.
Take care and sending hugs to you  
xXx


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Henzo! FF is a lifeline for those seeking support, information and friendship whilst going through fertility issues. Fellow FF members are fantastic pressure valves when family, friends, doctors and partners often just don't "get" what you're going through. It has held my hand throughout treatment and I've made some great friends and gained a vast amount of knowledge, both of which are key factors in at least maintaining some level of sanity!

I'm so sorry to hear you are having to deal with so much suddenly. Your post really is spot on in terms of just how hard a diagnosis like yours can hit, and I really do empathise with you    . Many many people on here have been where you are right now, and the number of lovely and informed responses you've already had will give you an idea of just how much support and practical help FF can offer. I have felt, through my DP and my fertility journey, that we have come against a series of brick walls, but each time another door has opened and so I think it really does help to make the most of the information you can glean from this site, to ensure that you can identify the doors that can open and assist you in becoming parents.

Have a look around the site, post wherever you like, and make yourself at home. Whatever your circumstances, there will be someone who is going through a similar situation and who can offer support and information.

I've added some links which you may find helpful:

*Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply) *CLICK HERE

*A Rough Guide To IVF CLICK HERE

 Treatment with low AMH ~ CLICK HERE 

While undergoing treatment, you might find it useful to join other ladies having treatment at the same time. The Cycle Buddies threads are just for that. Just pop along to the appropriate month and say "Hi" when you are ready to start treatment.

Cycle buddies ~ CLICK HERE

Complementary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ CLICK HERE 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the Location boards. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area.

What Every New Member Needs to Know ~ CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here. 
CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT

Post here with any more questions, or on any other part of the site - there will be lovely people ready to offer friendship, hugs and support to keep you going through the ups and downs and you'll quickly feel at home.

Good luck collating as much information as you can prior to your meeting in August - I agree that education on what's available is really key to getting the best help, and I hope that FF will help with that enormously. I'll keep an eye out for good news from you in the coming months.    

Martha X*


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## Henzo (Jul 15, 2011)

To puss-in-boots, Blondebimbette, Gia Too, Jen, Vixiepie & Martha 

Thanks to each and every one of you for hearing and responding to my news. Each of your replies were soothing and just helped me feel a bit more contained. I'm appreciating that I was indeed in shock. I've got myself a note book and I'm following up / researching all the suggested links; clinics which help those with low amh, DHEA, short cycles for poor responders, soft stimming, links around this site - educating myself in this whole new sphere is helping me feel I have a bit more control back. There is a lot of good energy and sharing of information here. We are a generation who at least can benefit from sharing experiences in this way (Have been thinking of older friends who went through infertility probs in the 90's and didn't have the same opportunity of benefitting from this degree of knowledge and comparing experiences).


Also chasing up my nhs appointment for their view (will keep quiet about my private clinic visit for now). I need to have another opinion.... Just incase their view is not so bleak.

Thanks again 
Hx


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## Guest (Jul 18, 2011)

Hi Henzo,

Was just checking in to see how you are doing, so good to hear that you are feeling a bit better and have been able to make a plan  

Let us know how your appointments go. I wish you all the very best of luck with it all and sending lots of    

Jen x


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## Henzo (Jul 15, 2011)

Well, had the appointment with consultant this week. My AMH level is 1 (it was explained to me that this means it could be zero point something) so IV with my own eggs would only be in the 5% success ball park. Consultant suggested that I purchase DHEA from Internet site and take for 4 months. This may increase AMH levels. Can consider Anybody else see it? after this point. I asked if he would put 3 eggs in (if harvested and fertilised) but he said I wouldn't achieve 3 eggs. His focus was really on donated eggs which is a bit of a leap for us both so soon  after finding out we have problems. He was keen to stress that there was little hope! 

Have also been checking out vitamins advised on this site too. He said that Israel have good DHEA data for women up to age 38. 

I asked if acupuncture, losing the extra stone I'm carrying or giving up booze completely and he said that none of these things would help me!! 

Anyway, wanted to share these pearls of wisdom incase they helped other folks - probably not though !! I recognise it's a depressing post! 

Just watched the tv programme about surrogacy - was harrowing and hopeful at the same time. Anybody else seevit? it??

H


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Henzo, so sorry to read your post.  I'd really recommend that you post in the section for those with low Amh levels (see the link I posted previously) because there are loads of women on those boards who will be able to share their experiences and knowledge with you, and in particular re the dhea as well as what your diagnosis means in practical terms.

It's early to think about egg donation, but if you want some links for information on donor eggs, I'd be more than happy to post you some - I know that when I was coming to the end of trying with my eggs, it really helped to have the chance at least to inform myself about other options so that I didn't feel quite so desperate, and there is a wealth of info re donor eggs on FF.

As for whether losing weight, acupuncture or no alcohol might help - I found that focussing on things I could do that might help us achieve our goal really helped me maintain some semblance of normality.  Whether you decide to go for own egg ivf or donor egg or indeed to achieve motherhood via alternative routes, being healthier will definitely help.  Although I'd be tempted to overindulge for a few days before worrying about being healthy.

Big hugs, though hon.  Take some time to think through all your options, because you definitely do have options.    

Martha xx


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## Blondebimbette (Jul 14, 2011)

Hi Henzo, nice to hear from you but sorry its not so good news, just really want to echo everything Martha has said above & send you some strength to cope. Yes saw a bit of that programme but had to turn it off, couldn't handle watching it  

Keep in touch x


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Agree with VEC - have a look a the low AMH threads.  What clinic are you at?  Some clinics are much more positive about those with low AMH because they have more experience of working with ladies who have low AMH.  There is a lot to think about and look into, but I can totally understand you feeling low, especially when your consultant was doom and gloom.    

I watched that surrogacy programme too and I felt sad, but also very grateful that I have had the chance to experience preganancy through egg donation. It's not an easy road though.

Take care 
GIA Tooxxx


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Thought you might like this story re: Low AMH (if you haven't seen it already) 

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=270243.0;topicseen

GIA Tooxx


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## Henzo (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks to you all.

Had not returned to this site for a while... Allowing all this to take refuge in the back of my mind for a while. 
However the appointment has brought it back into sharp focus.

Had a look at the link again to low AMH. Will hook up there. Feel like I need to take a weeks holiday to properly read posts and search through all the brilliant information here. It's so daunting and harrowing to look at everybody else's stories. 

I'm back now. The DHEA is in the post. Best wishes to all.x


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