# One child or two??



## Kylie47 (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi

I was hoping someone may be able to give me some advice. We're in Stage 2 of the adoption process and going to panel in September. We're hoping to be approved for 1-2 children, aged 0-2.

Our big dilemma is whether we want to adopt one child or two siblings. We had always envisaged having two children, but not at once! Our SW has explained that if you adopt one child and then adopt another separately, there can be quite a few barriers to adopting the second, such as making the time to go through the adoption process again and it being harder for SWs to match a child to your first one, ie they may struggle to ever match you so you may not end up having a second, and there can be issues between the two children later down the line due to them having different backgrounds and birth families. So what she's saying is that if we adopt one now, we need to accept there's a good chance we may not have another.

However if we were to adopt two siblings, it's double the amount of work straight away and we're concerned whether we can cope! We do, however, really like the idea of our children being related and having similar backgrounds.

We've been told that our LA mainly have sibling groups coming through at the moment, so it's likely that the first profiles we'll be shown will be siblings (possibly one pair where the oldest is around 14 months and youngest is 3 months). For this reason we think we need to decide soon whether we want siblings!

If anyone has been through these feelings and/or has either adopted one or two children, I'd really appreciate any advice you can give, such as how you decided!

Thanks!


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## Darcy2012 (Jul 16, 2014)

Hi Kylie
I understand where you're coming from my DH and I always said we would like siblings but as the process went on we did start to question would we cope, how hard it would be etc. We were approved for 1 to 2 children and just as we got approved our social worker showed us the profile of a sibling group and we knew they were our children! 

I still had the same worries up until they moved in really despite  being happy and so excited. They have been home with us for seven weeks and they are just amazing!! It is hard work having two children under three and I don't think you can ever really prepare yourself for that, when one has your attention the other wants it, need eyes in back if my head half the time but its worth it! They share a really close bond which is lovely and Zi think its helped them to have each other also.

One thing I realised is just how important my support network is and I have needed it, I am sure that's something you have thought about. Also just the general logistics taking two out it now takes us ages to get out the door and took my mum on our first couple outings after hubby went back to work!  I don't regret it for a minute though even on the hard days.

Good luck hope all goes well


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Kylie
It's difficult to make the decision. We said we would accept one or two children but because we said we would accept two we were not shown any profiles within our La for one child as unbeknownst to is at the time there were siblings coming through and no other approved adopters would accept siblings so bear that in mind if you say you'll accept two. 
Having said that I'm glad we have our two. They were aged 1.5 and 2.5 when placed and were the ideal ages we wanted. It is hard work and as Darcy says a support network is crucial. We didn't have one. The friends who said they would be there for us haven't been around at all and our families live hours away. The first few months were extremely hard but 6 months on I'm so glad we have these two. 
I have met loads of adopters at support groups etc but very few with siblings and the issues we face are so so different. But when I have met adopters with siblings it has been amazing to chat to them. 
If you have a proper support network, ie someone who is around during the week and not at work, who will really be there for you, then go for it. If not it does need serious thought. I struggled at times. I've had to put my two in nursery sooner than I would have liked but without support all of the SWs at LAC review said it was absolutely necessary for my sanity and also to help the kids with some of their behaviours and social issues. Things have improved for all of us since then but I had to struggle on feeling alone for 4.5 months. 

It is possible to adopt a second but also many feel it isn't right once they have their first LO placed. If we had been matched with a single child I think we would have stayed as a family of 3. And I think we would have been happy at that. But don't regret being a family of 4. Having each other makes the children more confident at social events. And at home they sometimes play together and it's great. When I have just one of them its easier in that we have more options eg can go swimming, push around on trike, carry outside in sling, go for walk with reins on without each trying to go in different directions. But in other ways it's hard because they demand so much attention. But that may be because they are so used to having each other around and they are a bit lost without each other. But together they fight and all day long the issues stem from fighting. 
You can make either work for you and be happy. Pros and cons to each. 
When we saw our LOs profile we knew they were exactly why we had wanted but we were terrified and I had a feeling of dread in my stomach even though I knew they were ours. I was so afraid but glad we took the leap. 
There's always one of them crying or waking up early! Something else to consider. But love each other and have a shared past which is reassuring for them. 

Good luck whatever you decide 
GGxxxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi,
We were approved for 2 children 0-3 but we were shown the profile of a singleton and knew he was for us. He was only 6 months when placed and I know I'd have struggled with 2 littlies as I haven't the energy  I know I would have needed. I am older than you though and do struggle with energy levels sometimes anyway due to a pituitary tumour.
We have now said it will just be our little man unless BM goes onto have another and her situation remain unchanged, we know we would be approached about a sibling and we would find it difficult to say no for the right reasons. So for us fate will decide really and we'll be happy either way. There was a time we never thought we'd be a family so to have our absolutely incredible amazing baby boy means we are truly blessed and he will absolutely be more than enough for us if that's how it turns out.
I will say though he does have older siblings placed elsewhere so that was one of my concerns, I didn't want him to feel like he was on his own so I hope as they get older they will develop a good relationship with each other.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

We was approved for one after changing our mind looking for siblings and realising double the work to start was too much...

On the day of matching panel for our son we was told birth mum pregnant and we then had baby sibling 6m later! X


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## Kylie47 (Mar 28, 2013)

Thank you so much for your advice and sharing your stories littlepoppy, Becs, goofygirl and darcy - really really appreciate it!

I think you've hit the nail on the head re support network being key. We have a great support network of friends and family for emotional support and regular visits, but in terms of helping out with childcare (the more practical help), we won't have that regularly as our parents are too old to physically be able to help much with younger children (they're great with our older nieces and nephews, aged 9 upwards) and other family members work. So we need to know that we're generally able to manage just the two of us. And as I'll be taking adoption leave, I need to know I can manage two on my own during the day, knowing that I will get help some of the time but can't rely too much on that. 

It's so hard isn't it! I feel that we need to have decided on the principle of whether to have siblings or not ahead of seeing profiles as it'll be more difficult to say no once we've read about real children who we may well get a gut feeling are right for us! And by the sounds of things we're only going to be shown profiles of siblings to start with as no young singletons coming through at the moment ...

Wish we had a crystal ball ...  

Anyway thanks again for your advice, it's definitely helping!  Xx


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Hi Kylie

you have already had some great advice from the other ladies but I just wanted to add that depending on your age range and the age of possible sibling groups, if the older LO is 2yrs + they would be eligible for 15 hours free childcare per week, which might help.
We have an AS aged 2yrs 3 months (he has been with us nearly 18 months now) we have applied to adopt for a second time. Part of our assessment this time will include childcare arrangements and our support network and how I will cope at home with 2 when DH is at work, having the 15 hours free childcare (which he starts in September) will be a god send! we visited a few local nurseries and it varies, some offer the hours as 2 full days, others spread it out across the week, our little man will be doing mornings 9-12 Mon - Fri 

just something else for you to think about and consider x


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## Darcy2012 (Jul 16, 2014)

Yes as mummy sunflower says bear in mind the 15 free hours, my eldest nearly 3 will be going 5 mornings from September and youngest 2 half days giving me bit of time to myself, also the social workers have really encouraged us to do this to get a bit of a break.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Unless you live in wales where you don't get anything


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

That's outrageous Flash!!!!

Yes agree wholeheartedly regarding nursery. Since mine have been going to nursery (DD qualifies for the free hours, DS not ti September so we currently self fund this) I feel much happier and able to cope. If you plan ahead I think it would also have helped, I kept thinking I should hold off as long as possible but wish I'd accepted sooner that it would be ok after a few months then I'd have had something to look towards instead of a blank canvas future. 

Kylie even if your parents can't offer child care just having them around for conversation, to help with meals etc would really help. Just having adult company was a great help for me. 

Xxx


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## Kylie47 (Mar 28, 2013)

Thanks again for excellent advice ladies, where would I be without this forum!

You've made a great point about nursery. I've been saying I wouldn't want to put our child/children in nursery til they'd been with us for a year but actually if we have two I think starting nursery earlier, certainly for the older one will be a very sensible idea! So true that you have to think about your own needs as well as your child's.

Flash that really sucks about Wales! Free prescriptions is good but sure you'd rather free childcare ... xx


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Hi, we were approved for siblings and have now been matched to sibling group of 3!

We were given all the sibling group profiles from our LA to read and we went back and said no to sets of 3. To be honest none of the profiles felt right.

Then out of the blue our SW asked if we would read another profile and it blew us away, it just felt so right for us.

I would go with your gut instinct and make sure you get to read sibling assessment. Ours are very close and have a great bond, age range is good and fits well with the other kids in our family and our age.

Good luck.

X


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## Kylie47 (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi Paula

Congratulations on being matched, that's wonderful news!!    

Thanks for your advice, really appreciate it xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

We really wanted 2 bit were convinced to go with just one and I'm so glad we did! The adjustment to being a parent was so hard, one was definitely enough for us! Fast forward and I had a second child when LO was 3.
I have never experienced anything like it and it has been incredibly hard. 
Who knows if this is just me,  having two children through different circumstances or whether taking two in one go would be easier as the adjustment shock is over in one go.  Each person must decide for themselves.


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