# Ciacox's adventure



## ciacox

Feels exciting to be starting this diary and imagining where it might end up.

I've been on the FF forum for a while and got loads of support here while my partner and I went through ICSI. We had our final unsuccessful treatment in March this year. Feeling very glad not to still be stuck on that horrendous rollercoaster and delighted to be queuing up for a new ride. Here's hoping this one takes me somewhere happier!

Some stats: I'm 35 and my DP is 40. We've recently relocated from the South East to the North West and are currently settling into new jobs and house hunting.

I've not been on the forum much over the last few months as I just wanted a bit of time not to be in the midst of everything. Since then we've moved to a new city, started new jobs and are now getting ready to jump into the world of adoption. Went to an open evening on Tuesday and was sad (selfishly sad of course - delighted for the children) but not surprised to find that our local authority does not currently have many children requiring adoption and has quite a few prospective adopters waiting. Apparently all our neighbouring local authorities are not recruiting at all and we will only be accepted into this one if we will consider adopting an older child or a sibling group or a child with a disability. This is painful news for us as we - like most prospective adopters I guess - had imagined ourselves adopting a single child under 2. But a part of me feels very calm and accepting. Our child is finding his or her way to us and I've learnt by now that this is not something I can control. So a little daunted but not put off. 

We're hoping to have an initial visit from a SW in the next few weeks. In the meantime we'll check whether it really is true that other LAs are not recruiting and will have a look at some VAs too. I can't help thinking, though, that if there are relatively few children in the adoption process at the moment, the LAs will be better placed than the VAs to make placements.

Good news is that the LA were fine when we said we are planning to move house next year. They said it wouldn't delay us getting started in the process but might delay approval if we had not moved in somewhere by that point.

Another worry that we haven't broached yet is our lack of local support network. We're new to the area and whilst we're beginning to make friends, our closest friends and family are down south (we moved for jobs and because we could never have afforded a family home in London). They're far away but very supportive so I'm hoping that'll count for something.


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## Sq9

Good luck with your journey.   
It is worth doing research on other la's to make sure this one is the best for you. there has been a reduction in the number of children under 2 mainly because of changes to case law.  We had a long 10 month wait but our 11 month little pink is currently snoring her head off upstairs and she was so worth the wait  . She was 6 and a half months when we found out about her and 9 months when we brought her home.  We struggled with whether to increase our age range as we were looking at as young as possible, but had always felt that was the right age range for us so we were reluctant to change and I'm so glad we stuck to our guns as little pink is just perfect for us.   If a younger child is what is best for you, don't be put off by statistics and being told of long waits as things are changing all the time.  By the time you are approved, who knows how many children there will be as it is something that nobody can predict. As you progress through home study your views on age may change, or they may not, but try not to worry at this stage about what children are waiting now.
Good luck


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## ciacox

Thanks Sq9. I talked to a neighbouring LA today and - contrary to what we were told by our LA - they are still recruiting and have never stopped. So we're lining up at least two initial visits for the new year. Neighbouring LA did seem a bit more concerned about the house move but recommended that (should we go ahead with them) we get through stage 1 and then if necessary take a break to settle into new house before starting stage 2. Beginning to feel a bit real now. Not sure how we'll be able to decide between LAs but hopefully that'll be a bit clearer once we've had initial visits.


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## ciacox

So we've had a number of phonecalls with LAs now. One initial visit is set up for the new year, and we've sent off a form to another LA which should mean they call us to arrange a visit. Have decided against the local authority where I work as I decided that the chance I may encounter through work families with children going through the adoption process would make things complicated. Of the two coming to see us one is the LA in which we live. Have some worries about them as they've been pretty disorganised on the phone and also because I know we risk putting ourselves out of the running for some of the children they have because we may live too near the birth families. But this LA is the only city one - all the others are rural and it's just hard to imagine they have a lot of children needing to be placed. The first of many many decisions and stresses!

I've been reflecting the last few days on how far I've healed from the fertility treatment nightmare. It's about 9 months since our last treatment and I do feel so much better now. Only a few months ago I was still getting regularly side swiped by the grief of it all. It's not that I'm no longer sad but I do feel I'm ready to move on. We're just back from visiting some friends and their new baby and I didn't even cry on the way home! When I cuddle tiny ones now, instead of feeling the pain that I will never have that with mine I find myself thinking I must enjoy it especially for that reason. And I really feel I have something to look forward to now. I'm ready for the hard slog and the needing to be patient. I know it will be difficult but I have faith there will be a family at the end of it. (Think I'll have to manage the expectations of family who all seem to have got it into their heads there will be a child next Christmas...)

An interesting discussion that's come up for us recently is how we will manage the adoption leave. With the new law coming in in April we will be able to share it and have discussed doing 6 months each. If that wouldn't be too disruptive for the child, I'd love this idea. What we can't agree on is who would take the leave first. For practical reasons, it might make more sense for my partner to take the first half. But I hate this idea. Completely selfishly I want it to be me. I've always imagined it that way. I'm aware this is sexist and it's totally fine for him to want this too. I guess for all the time we were trying to get pregnant i pictured my maternity leave and now feeling that I won't have the equivalent first months of adoption leave feels like another loss. Not sure how demanding I can or should be. Hopefully time will iron out this one for us.


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## ciacox

Just had a 2 hour visit from a social worker at a neighbouring LA. Overall positive. None of my fears were realised which is always a good start. He didn't say that there is a huge wait and that they are only looking for prospective adopters for children in hard to place categories. In fact, he said they have recently re-opened recruitment for all prospective adopters and that they don't have any prospective adopters at the moment who have been waiting a long time. He also wasn't massively worried about the fact that we're fairly new in town and don't have family around. And he didn't say an outright no to us starting stage 1 before we've moved house. He's going to discuss with the team a possibility of us starting Stage 1 now and having a break between Stage 1 and 2 if things getting tricky when it comes to moving. He told us lots of stuff I already knew (because we've been to a few open evenings and because I spend a lot of tme reading everyone's stories here) but it was good to have it all spelt out. very importantly for me, my partner felt really positive. He felt that this was a guy we could connect to and since he'd be the one for at least Stage 1 that seemed like a good start. Still a few more phonecalls to make but we both feel like we might have made our first decision of the new adventure! (the registration of interest we sent to our local authority has been lost in he post - perhaps that's a sign!)


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## ciacox

We've chosen our LA and were sent a zillion forms by our Stage 1 SW earlier this week. He asked us to fill in the forms and call him to make an appointment. I was excited about getting stuck in and we planned to spend the evening filling in the forms. M finishes work at 7.30. We look at the forms. I suggest I'll ring the SW tomorrow to make an appointment for a couple of weeks time. Cue freak out from M. He's too busy with work, he can't do this alongside everything else we've got on, he wants to pause. Pause? We haven't even started! I know that he wants me to be kind to him and tell him of course, that's fine. But I'm totally fed up. I want him to have more stamina (and prioritise this over his work) and I don't feel like being sympathetic to his freak out. So I've walked off. Great start, eh?   I'm so fed up with waiting. I hate that I have to adapt to his pace. And I'm worried that he can't handle the pressure of what we're about to do. I'm worried that I'll have to carry us both through it and that makes the whole thing even more scary. (NB - M is actually a totally wonderful guy and we have got a ridiculous amount on, not least house hunting - which the LA is happy to allow us to do alongside assessment. So actually he's probably right that we should do one thing and then the next, much as I hate to say it. Just need to rant and feel angry about how he's gone off the deep end before I can accept there may be some sense under his freak out).


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## ciacox

Makes me smile to read back on my last post. Things can change pretty quickly! We've now had an offer accepted on a house (just three days after we were in meltdown thinking we'd never find one we want!) and I'm very much hoping that all the legal bits will be more straightforward than the househunting. There are no chains either side and the house is newly done up and ready for us. If it does fall through I do think we'll have to pause the adoption assessment at the end of Stage 1, or even before. It's just too difficult to concentrate on both things. In some ways it's been nice not to be obsessed with the need for a child. It's nearly a year since the end of ICSI and I've appreciated the space that my head has found. I don't spend my days with my head full of questions and thoughts about how my family will come along (I don't come on here so much which I think is good for me - I was probably unhealthily obsessed with this site for a couple of years!) and I feel calmer. I'm not panicking about decisions or feeling I need to research things to the ends of the earth - in fact we picked our LA relatively easily and I gave myself permission not to go to every open evening within an hour of us. Just met with a couple of LAs, one felt right and off we went. So it's great to be calmer but I do think I need to get my project hat on soon. We've bought a couple of books about adoption but haven't really looked at them yet. I think I know that once I start I'll most likely find myself in that manic anxious space again and I just want to postpone it! We have our first Stage 1 meeting with our SW in a couple of weeks and the prep course is booked in for end of March. No doubt my mind will start whizzing then if not before!


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## ciacox

Through the first Stage 1 meeting and all was pretty straightforward. Mainly it was just going through paperwork and the SW advising us on how to fill in the workbook. We're meeting again in just over a month, by which time we'll need to have it completed. We'll also have done the prep course at the end of this month so he said we could be through Stage 1 by late April. I asked a bit about whether things have changed much in terms of the courts and whether children are still not getting placement orders. I wanted him to say that things were moving again and that they were having loads of placement orders granted but he just said there isn't much change and he thinks things will continue to be slow and numbers dropping this year.

I've been reading Sally Donovan's The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting. I feel like she's telling me some things I really need to hear and helping me gear up for the adventure. I think it's all too easy to get fixated on getting through the assessment and approval and matching and not leave time to prepare for the actual parenting. Some of my friends who have had birth children have said that they spent leisurely months reading about pregnancy and birth and ended up wishing they had spent the time instead figuring out how to manage sleep etc. I know I won't have time to read about therapeutic parenting by the time I realise I really need to so I'm going to try and get ahead now (amidst moving house, a stupidly busy job, and the prep course and assessments)....


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## ciacox

First day of prep course done and we feel positive. Was lovely to meet other prospective adopters - just knowing there are other people going through this too really helps. And everyone was so lovely! We also met some other social workers from the LA, one of whom will be taking us through Stage 2 (assuming we make it through Stage 1 okay). Some interesting exercises about identity and a very interesting talk from a psychotherapist (and adoptive father of three) about attachment difficulties. All feels very real now!


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## Helend75

We have our first 2 prep days next week, then 2 the following. Colleagues keep asking what I'm up to over the Easter holiday.... Ummm...!!!


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## ciacox

Thanks Helen - hope you enjoy your group. It definitely feels like we are properly in the story now. I think the main thing for me was meeting other people who are also on their way to becoming parents through adoption. I just felt that, although we are all different in many ways, these people are now our tribe. Overall I felt the three days were fantastically well organised and provided a good balance between learning about some of the harsh realities of adoption and adoptive parenting, and being very positive and exciting. 

We've spent he weekend with M's parents which was lovely. Next weekend is dedicated to completing the workbook. It's a mission! And tomorrow I'm testing the waters at work by telling my supervisor about our adoption plans. He's not my manager nor properly part of my team but I'm hoping to get some advice from him about how/when to broach it with everyone else.


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## ciacox

Spending the day at home trawling through the workbook. There is just so much to write! Not sure if everyone has the same one or this is specific to our LA. I feel like they're asking everything they will ask us in home study in loads of detail... Planning to get it finished over next couple of days so we can enjoy a bit of time off. 

In other news, we have exchanged contracts on the house and are due to move in two weeks today! Absolutely fed of with the flat we're renting - boiler just broke AGAIN so can't wait! Have just competed the finances section and reassured myself that even with a mortgage on a three bedroom house we'll be much better off than we were renting a small flat in London.  

Since the workshop we have been talking a bit about foster to adopt and also about whether we're open to adopt siblings. Each time we have the conversations we generally think that we're not up for either of those things. And then a day or so later one of us will open up the conversation again...

Went out with friends last night and it was lovely to talk to people about adoption. Much more positive and exciting than the old conversations about fertility treatment. I also told my supervisor about our plans last week and he was great. Very reassuring that if there is uncertainty and/or a rapid departure this will be my managers' problem and not mine and I should just not worry about it. Music to my ears!


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## ciacox

Went to see SW yesterday who said that he hoped we'd be in for panel in September. Obviously there are a million and one things that can go wrong or cause delays between now and then but it's exciting that that's a possibility. We've finished the workbook (bar a couple of extras that he wanted us to add) and we're just waiting on our medicals to come back before we can officially start Stage 2. These are delayed because our GP is waiting for notes from our old GP. I called old GP and explained why we need them to send the notes ASAP and they said they'd go this week. Very much hoping that current GP sends the forms early next week and that these can be signed off easily. Realistically, I think it'll be two or three weeks before that all happens so will just have to be patient (I have had a lot of practice at being patient the last few years but as a naturally impatient person this will never be easy!). Moving house on Friday so that should provide a distraction!


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## ciacox

Can't believe my last post was a month ago and we are STILL waiting on our medicals. It's been excruciatingly slow and could be another few weeks so I've just had to switch off from it all for a while. Perhaps no bad thing as we moved house a few weeks ago and have been enjoying settling in. Up until a few days ago I wasn't too upset about the delay but it's starting to really bug me now. I just feel we've lost all the momentum and buzz we were feeling at prep group at the end of March. I know I need to be resilient about delays (fertility treatment taught me that...) but it's just so frustrating!


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## ciacox

Just another still waiting post.... The medicals are finally with the LA's medical advisor (I hope...) but that may still take a while to turn around. Just hoping that we will get the green light and some dates for stage 2 soon...


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## ciacox

Cracked and sent an email to SW asking him - in the nicest possible way -what's going on. He's had the forms for a two weeks now and no word. I know, I know, two weeks is nothing on planet adoption... Trying to walk the line between being too passive and too pushy. Trying to present as calm but keen. Arg, really I'm just climbing the walls impatient!


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## ciacox

I'm feeling really blue. Still no news on the medical and I just feel totally disconnected from the process. The medical issue has held us up now for over two months. I don't really feel I'm in the process anymore and I think the loss of momentum has brought back some infertility sadness too. I'm going to call our social worker today and just ask him for an update on timescales given the delays. We had been hoping for an October panel but that seems unlikely now. We're on holiday for the  first two weeks in July and I don't imagine we'll be able to start stage two before we get back. the other issues is that we both feel that if we are allocated our current social worker for stage two we would have to ask for this to be changed as we really feel we can't work with him. I'm dreading the idea of negotiating that one but I know from everything I've read here that starting out with a SW we already know we have problems with is a bad idea.


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## Helend75

Sorry to hear that you feel like things have ground to a halt. I know I start feeling at a loss when we go more than a week without a SW meeting. Oh is tired too - like we've been stuck in a waiting game since the moment we decided we'd like to have a family. 
I do hope things start looking more positive for you soon.


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## ciacox

The medical reports are signed off and we are finally ready to move to Stage 2! Have been really struggling so this is good news indeed. Inevitably there will now be a meeting and a bit more faff before we actually have some dates for Home Study but at least we are through that particular bottle neck. Going on holiday first two weeks in July so I'm anticipating we won't get started til we get back but I'm hopefully we'll at least get the dates in before then. Phew.


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## ciacox

I try really hard not to be over sensitive about how people respond to the news that we are hoping to adopt, and not to judge people too harshly for saying the wrong thing. In fact, I know that it's pretty hard for people to get it right because I usually either feel that they're not interested enough or that they are much too nosey. Anyway, this is just a little rant about something so many people say that really bugs me (although I know it comes from a good place). Almost inevitably when we explain the assessment process people roll their eyes and say something along the lines of 'that seems a bit over the top'/'why do they need to know that much about you?'/'people who have birth children don't have to be assessed to look after them so why should you have to be?/ etc. I try not to show it because I know people are really just trying to show sympathy but it makes me so angry. For ages I couldn't figure out why but I've realised it's because I find it offensive towards our future children. Social services have parental responsibility for children waiting to be adopted. This means they need to act like good parents would. What I want to say to my well meaning friends and family is: 'If for some reason you couldn't look after your children and had to give them to someone else to look after forever, would you be satisfied with a couple of meetings and a DBS check? Of course not. You would want to know every single thing about these people, including what they eat, how much money they have, whether they are healthy, what their values and religion are, any tiny screw up they might have which might affect how they care for your children. If that's what would want for your children, that's what we would want for our prospective children too. Because our prospective children are just as valuable and precious as yours. In fact they might need a little more valuing than yours given their difficult start. And when you suggest that these checks are excessive, it sounds like you're insulting these children by implying they are lucky to have any parents at all." So when my friend who won't let a non-organic morsel pass her son's lips says that social services shouldn't be asking us what we eat, I feel so offended and upset. Of course, I just smile and say something much blander than the rant I wrote above, attempting to educate a bit without embarrassing anyone. Rant over. Feel better now!


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## FlyingCat

Hi Ciacox.

Just read your last post and I wanted to say thankyou. As a non adopter I've never really "Got" that message before but you have articulated it beautifully.


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## ciacox

Thanks Flying Cat! Good to hear from you. I just took a peek at your diary. I'm so hopeful that all the work you and your husband have put in will make the magic happen. Sending you both positive vibes. I'm sure the thought of another round of treatment is daunting. Feels odd that I won't be your cycle buddy this time. Will be following your updates though and keeping everything crossed for you xxx


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## ciacox

Away on holiday soaking up the sun  . Hoping we'll hear from sw re stage 2 dates. Can't help wondering if this will be our last holiday just the two of us. Taking advantage of the opportunity to be lazy. Reading and snoozing all day - wdnt be able to do this on planet toddler!


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## ciacox

Finally we have started Stage 2. SW (the one we hoped for!) came round yesterday and is lovely. I think we'll feel comfortable going into everything with her. She's quite keen for us to be open to adopting siblings ("ooh - two spare rooms I see!") so I can see a lot of conversations about that coming up. Overall I'm pleased although I was disappointed that she thinks we're looking at a December panel. We've scheduled all our meetings in and the last one will be 22/9. Seems tough that panel won't be until Dec 16th. She also talked about prospective adopters waiting a long time but she did say that things are moving now...


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## ciacox

Two more Stage 2 meetings done. At three hours each they're pretty intense! Think the problem is that all three of us are talkers... I think the meetings are good and I feel fairly comfortable talking to her. But it never goes out of my mind that as much as this might feel like a cosy chat, it is an assessment. I want to be as honest as possible so that she really knows us when matching comes along, but I'm also trying to be my best self and I do find myself second guessing what I say at times.  All par for the course I suppose. I guess because M and I have had spent so long on this journey to be parents and had so much time to talk about it all and reflect on who we are as a couple etc. I can't say that the process is leading me (so far) into any amazing new insights. In one sense I'm sick of reflecting and navel gazing and I'm just dying to get on with being a mum...


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## ciacox

Another meeting done. We talked about infertility and IVF and it was pretty draining. I think things are going well and I feel like we're really starting to connect with our SW. M worries that there will be some spanner in the works and we won't be approved. Not really a rational worry but it's niggling him. I feel fairly calm about that bit, much more worried about what comes after. Good news is that I asked SW why she had suggested panel for mid- December and she looked at her diary again and said that we will get in for November (either beginning or end). Today things felt very real and the notion of us as parents felt very exciting.


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## ciacox

Everything's going fine but I'm finding the process exhausting. Each meeting seems to be longer than the last. SW was here for nearly 4 hours today! I think this is mainly because she and M are such big talkers! It's hard on days when she comes in the mornings and then I head to work afterwards. Luckily I was working from home today. I just find it all an emotional rollercoaster and there seems to be something each week that makes me cry. This week we discussed our own parenting and I talked about some of the difficult experiences I had growing up. I guess these things are hard enough to talk about with anyone, without the pressure of feeling like you have to show how well you've processed it and how sorted you are now. I just feel washed out and sad and I think that's because I've shared such personal things but not been in a place to have time and space to take care of myself afterwards. So I just welled up a bit and then spent three more hours discussing other heavy topics like parenting style and whether we're up for foster to adopt. In terms of the latter, I just don't know. The possible pros and cons are just so extreme. We do need to decide if we want to be put forward for that so it'll be a weekend of more discussions I guess! Think I might go out and buy some ice cream.


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## ciacox

Stage 2 just about done. We'd hope the last visit would be the 1-1 with M last week but they ran over time, then SW missed an appointment so she has to come back next week to finish off. She's writing the PAR though and hopefully we're still set for panel beginning of November. I can see this being pushed back though as I think SW had expected to be further on by now. In general things are going well and I think she likes us! Kind of a sticky conversation about age range a couple of weeks ago. We had put on our form 0-3.5 but she was really keen that we change this to 0-5. In the end we did but it felt kind of pointless as I just can't imagine us being confident about going forward with a match with an older child. So we sort of agreed that we'll change it on the form as long as she bears in mind that really we feel 3.5 is our limit. We've had to cover some pretty heavy stuff about my childhood and it does feel very scary to think I might be judged negatively because of it. She was keen to push me to understand how I had come to terms with these things and how I thought they might affect my parenting. I totally understand why she had to ask these things, and she explained that this is what the panel would be asking her about. I really do feel like I'm a pretty sorted person these days and I hope she has loads of evidence of that, but it does make me anxious to think that she and the panel will have to decide that for themselves. Final push, and then PAR and then panel, and then (all being well) entering The Wait just as winter descends!


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## ciacox

We got our PAR last night and spent some time this morning going through it. Mostly we are happy with it. The main issue really was the poor spelling and grammar. I know it sounds a bit pedantic, but it really bothered us. Although I know it won't be a direct reflection of us, I can't help worrying that people reading it will find it irritating and so be put off. We spent the morning going through and correcting it. Would rather have to face up to being embarrassingly pedantic with our SW than feel uncomfortable about something going out that's not right. I've also asked that a couple of things about my childhood be toned down a bit. It sounded much more dramatic than it really was and I wasn't too comfortable with that. Social worker coming back tomorrow night (Sunday!) to talk through. All being well we'll go to panel in a month.


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## ciacox

SW seemed to accept our edits to the PAR. Hoping she will actually make all the changes - have become a bit of a control freak about that document! M's parents and my mum came up  yesterday to meet her. She'd already got references over the phone but just wanted to meet them too. Also asked for a last minute reference from my employer. Nothing if not thorough!

Last night was our 10th anniversary. We hadn't planned to celebrate with our parents but in the event it was lovely. Somehow having the prospective grandparents in the house and chatting about the potential grandchild(ren) was another step in making everything real. Despite all the pain of the last few years, I know that I am super lucky.


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## ciacox

We have approval panel next weds and although I'm sure I'll be nervous when the time comes right now I feel fairly chilled about it. Much more anxious about waiting for a match. I've just had to book in loads of appointments at work stretching right into next summer and obviously I'm hoping it'll be my replacement in there instead of me. Sw came out for a pre panel meeting last week and mentioned that she has been asking about possible matches for us (and that currently there are none). It was nice to think that we are already been considered. But in the next moment we're discussing how to manage the practically inevitable long wait. So difficult to get myself in the space to both be ready for something now and to be ready for waiting.


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## Primmer

Good luck for panel next week but I am sure it will all be fine. 
Waiting for a link/match is so difficult its just the not knowing when, but you never know and the right one for you may come along quickly.


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## ciacox

We are approved! Panel was very friendly and straightforward and didn't ask any especially difficult questions. So good to reach this milestone. Lots of uncertainty still to come but trying to celebrate the moment. Went out for a glass of bubbles in a posh hotel and now on the sofa in my pjs thinking about takeaway options. Talking of sofas, straight after panel we walked out of the building to a shopping arcade, walked past a shop selling sofas, walked in and bought one. How's that for a couple that can make decisions together?! (Or perhaps two people in a slightly giddy fit of impulsiveness - will decide that when it's delivered!).


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## Norma12

Congrats xxxxx
Enjoy the moment cx


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## ciacox

My post from yesterday on another thread (want to keep things here too so I can read back and remember one day): 

Visit today with SW went well. Went through agreement - plan is  to meet up every 6 weeks unless there's news inbetween times. She told us that at the moment the LA is advance matching - which means shortlisting prospective parents before placement order is granted. Because they have a number of adopters waiting they are currently shortlisting without informing anyone that there is a child needing a match. So basically that means that our SWs decide if they think we would want to be considered for the child, put our names in the hat, and only let us know about the child if we have been chosen as the preferred match. Will save a lot of heartache and rejeciton but weird to think of all that behind the scenes.

Today she told us about the next child they will be looking for a match for. His placement order is expected to be granted at the end of the month. She told us about him at this stage despite the new policy because she wanted to gauge our response to make sure she is on the right lines about what we're looking for. It was quite emotional to hear about a little one who we might be in the running for. From what she was able to tell us at this point he sounded amazing. My one reservation was that I have always imagined a little girl but I'm not sure how much weight to give that preference. It's not nearly as importance to me as other things like health and age.


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## ciacox

Last night, when M and I were talking about the little one our SW had described I suddenly felt ready to break a little connection to the birth child we never had. In March last year, when treatment ended, we both got little string bracelets as a little ritual to commemorate our grief. M's broke several months ago, which was quite a symbolic letting go moment for him. During the assessment and last week at approval I kept thinking I would find a moment to take mine off but it never felt quite right. Last night it felt right and I cut it off. Ready to concentrate all my energy and love now on a real child, not one who has only ever existed in my imagination.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with agonising pain like period pains (although I'm nowhere near my period). This was so bad that I nearly fainted on the way to the loo and ended up sweating and stuck lying on the floor. I had the same pain a few times during IVF, the last time being the night after our failed transfer. I've never had pain like it outside of IVF. It's tempting to think that this was my body letting out a cry.

I feel okay this morning. Like a little weight has lifted.


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## Sq9

. Congratulations on being approved - your little one is getting ready for your to find them - be prepared though, they rule the roost already so it will be in their own time   xx


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## Norma12

Ciacox- hope you're doing ok today   X


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## ciacox

Found out tonight that we are one of two couples shortlisted for a little boy. His SW will visit on Weds if we want to go ahead. Emotional night looking at his pics and reading CPR. I'm feeling confused. He ticks so many boxes so my head says go for it. He's fantastic but my heart is not drawn. I guess I always thought that when we find our LO I will feel excited or connected. I can't help wondering if I would feel more drawn if he were a girl. Another thing is that he has the same name as my best friend's son. Neither of these things should be important and compared to the things in his favour they seem so silly and superficial. Very hard to think straight at the moment. I think my partner would allow himself to be excited if I was but right now I'm not feeling it. Perhaps it's just shock that something has happened so quickly.


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## Norma12

Has sleeping on it helped? 

Its a very emotional & difficult stage so go easy on yourself xxx


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## ciacox

Thanks Norma- I didn't sleep a lot but I am feeling much calmer now. Having a quiet day and just letting the idea of this little boy settle. It is SO emotional. Kept crying last night and wasn't even sure why! Hope things are going well for you xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Maybe it's because you are 'competing' with another couple so you are subconsciously protecting yourself? Good luck with everything, it's a crazy journey but worth every step, I promise xxx


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## Tictoc

Hi and congratulations ciacox - you need to remember that it is hard to fall in love with a picture plus the adoption process strips you down so much emotionally that its hard to know how you will feel when you see the right child.

When we saw our daughter we got a video and fell in love immediatetly, with our son it was just a picture and I have to admit i felt sick about whether we were making the right decision although i didnt admit this to anyone. Funnily enough our son slotted into the family so quickly and reciprocated our love so much quicker and easier than our daughter - she took a lot of time and work to feel secure with us. I guess what i am trying to say is dont expect too much of yourself - the love will grow.


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## Sq9

I didn't feel anything in particular about the profile we read for little miss other than she ticked all the boxes. I had expected to fall in love just reading about "the one". A lot of it for me was because we'd waited for so long, I couldn't believe it was going to happen so expected something to go wrong. Some people get a bolt of lightening feeling some don't so try not to read too much into it. Not sure if I've helped. Best of luck


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## ciacox

Thanks guys. I'm over the shock now and we're feeling ready to put ourselves forward. We're still both having moments of doubt and we're going to talk it through with our social worker tomorrow before we make the leap. But this doubt just feels like normal fear now. Fear of unknowns and fear of committing to anything at all. I feel much calmer than I did on Friday, when I felt a little crazy! Today, I found myself in the children's section of H&M looking at clothes for an 18 month old... And we've obviously cleaned the house top to bottom in anticipation of family finder visit on Weds. It'll be us and one other couple that she's going to visit (assuming they've put themselves forward too). If we're not the lucky ones, I think I'll be okay. It's such early days and I was so prepared for a long wait that I think I'll be able to shift back into that gear if necessary. This whole process has taken us such a long way forward emotionally, so whether or not he's not the one for us he's already been a bit of gift.


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## ciacox

Adoption Buddies starting 2014/2015 - Part 4

Post on other thread yesterday:
After some initial dithering I am now super excited about this little boy. We had a really good chat with our social worker today and by the end of it I felt so ready to make the leap. Now I'm terrified that we won't be the chosen couple. It'll be us and one other couple they'll be visiting on weds morning... Should find out by the end of the day on Weds. Will be reading back here over advice and experiences on handling this visit in a competitive situation. At the moment all my energy seems to be focused on how the house looks. Because we've only been in a few months and have had loads to do, it doesn't look as homely as I'd like. Books still in boxes because no shelves up etc. I asked SW what she thought and she said it was fine but we should maybe get a lampshade in the sitting room. Feel like taking a day off work tomorrow to choose the perfect 'loving family home' lampshade!

Sweetnats - thanks for your thoughts. All in all, what I've learnt over the last few days is that this is a real child, born in the world not our imaginations. It's taken a bit to angst to let go of what I'd been imagining but now that I have I feel excited and positive. If we're successful, we'll also have intros in Feb and I will have all the same questions as you.


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## ciacox

Managed to get through a busy day of work today, frantically buy a rubbish lampshade on way home, manage to smash the bulb putting it in, get that sorted, clean the house and frame and hang some pics. Exhausted! Now need to stop focusing on all this peripheral stuff and start thinking about this little boy and why we may be the right parents for him. Exhausted/excited/terrified.


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Fingers crossed everything goes ok honey just try and relax and be yourself  
Really hope he's yours xxxx


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## ciacox

So lucky to be chosen to be the parents of this incredible little boy! I cannot believe this is happening, so fast and so exciting. Visit from social workers went well and we both felt positive afterwards. But then they went off to see the other couple and I felt totally sick. M had to go for a meeting at work so I just sat and waited for the call. SW called around 1 with the amazing news. Went out to pick up M as I had to drive to work for the afternoon. Thought we'd go together so we could celebrate on the journey. Ended up with the car breaking down at traffic lights at a busy junction. So we're sat in the car waiting for the AA with cars beeping and manoeuvring round us and we're just looking at pics of this beautiful child who I can finally allow myself to connect to and love. 

(As an aside, I don't think my initial reservations were about him being a boy at all, I think (as many people on this forum suggested!) I was rightly terrified to allow myself to love and hope. I think the competitive matching process is cruel and relatively pointless. I'm really not sure the social workers who came yesterday learnt anything particular about us - they didn't even really have any questions to ask. I feel so much for the couple who were not successful, and angry for them that they had to go through this. And I also wish that my first connection with the child who will (all being well) be my son hadn't had to be so reserved and angst ridden.) 

All the social workers are coming back this morning, along with foster carer too. Excited to meet her and to hear more about him. My head is absolutely buzzing with emotional things and also with practical things, like what we need to buy and how the hell I am going to manage to tie everything up at work before the end of Jan!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Fantastic news so happy for you I remember it all well we where in a competitive match for our little
Boy too with 3 other couples the wait was agonising.

Don't forget to ask foster carer what washing powder she uses and what things lo likes to eat and his formula too and you can start stocking up then oh and what size nappies hehe I loved my 1st baby food shop.

Congratulations and enjoy your time on the lead up to being mummy and daddy xxx


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## ciacox

What a whirlwind of shopping and happy phonecalls the last week has been! Finally managing to get some sleep and feel like this is real. The first few days after we had the news felt like a dream. Loads of practical stuff to do but also trying to find time to think about our boy and talk to him. Driving to work I put his pic in the satnav holder and chat to him about all the fun stuff we're going to be doing together! 

Meeting with social worker went well last week. She obviously loves him very much and I bet she's amazing with him. She was very reassuring about what it will be like when we come for intros and told us we should treat her house as our own.

Intros were supposed to start 29/1 but have just been moved to 3/2. Just so they can be sure all the ratification paperwork will be done. Well, I suppose I can't complain about waiting given how incredibly lucky we have been to avoid any wait post approval.


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## Sq9

Congratulations 😊. Enjoy the build up - it's an amazing part of the journey   xx


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## ciacox

One month since we were chosen for our little one and one month til we meet him! We had a hectic and happy Christmas and New Year with lots of excited grandparents-to-be cousins-to-be and aunts and uncles-to-be. Drove home with a car full of hand me down clothes. Loads of brilliant things (and a good few things that'll be discretely taken to a charity shop  ). Have been doing a fair bit of our own shopping too.

We got a Christmas card from FC on Christmas Eve with her phone number and we've been texting fairly regularly since then and she's been sending lots of photos of LO. It's really helping us feel we're getting to know him (and how quickly he's growing since those first pics!). I have a feeling that we're not supposed to be in touch as I asked SW if we could send a Christmas card and she said we shouldn't exchange anything before matching panel. But I'm so glad we are getting the pics and the SW doesn't need to know!

Brilliant day today, had friends staying over and assembled bedroom furniture with them so he finally has a proper bedroom. Could literally sit in it all day! M had a big happy cry!


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## ciacox

Just a quick whinge: I'm getting really irritated by friends and family constantly telling me that LO will be okay/won't have attachment problems/is very young 'so won't know any different'/will be fine with travelling, visitors etc. I know these reassurances come from a good place and I hope they're right but none of us can possibly know yet how he's going to get on. Just got off the phone from mum telling me that she's sure he'll bond with us very quickly. It's not as if I'm going on and on about but potential problems, but as soon as I mention something like we'll have to take things slowly everyone tells me not to worry and it'll all be absolutely fine. It seems like people just want to believe that and don't want to think about potential problems. Perhaps it's that I've got my head around the differences of adoption but family are still in denial. In fact, it almost feels like they think I'm being over anxious when I mention any concern at all. In the end it just makes me feel isolated and misunderstood and that I'm not going to share anything at all. I'm trying to gently educate people but I just don't think people want to hear it. Frustratingly, their reflex reassurances push me into always being the one to have to voice the worries.


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## Tictoc

Hi Ciacox - people often see what they want to see and most of my friends and family don't see the additional emotional needs my little girl has because on the surface she is perfect. I have learnt to not worry about their opinions although early on in placement I had a huge argument with MIL about my 'ridiculous and inflexible parenting'. 

The person who understands the best is actually my sister who has a daughter with ASD.

On the other hand they might just be trying to be positive for you.


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## mummy2blossom

Hi, 
Just quick one, we had very similar as blossom was young in placement & it really peed me off too! I stuck to my guns & instinct and although first few confrontations felt uncomfortable I soon grew thick skin as I grew in confidence as a mummy. We bought family books to read which helped (a bit) but I was surprised at how many friends asked for a cuddle even after I'd explained before we bought her home that when they meet her there will be no pass the baby round going on. It still infuriates me that some people felt they knew better - we are the ones who have been assessed, been on courses, read books upon books and know more about our children's needs than they will. 

Oops sorry, bit of a rant there! Any way you will know best & just stick to your plans & wishes. You and your lo comes above ANY other person!


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## ciacox

Thanks guys - nice to know I'm not alone! 

Back to work today... 9 days til panel... Really hard to focus on anything but LO... Finishing early today to head to the dentist and then home to iron some little clothes! We washed the hand me downs which had been languishing in cupboards for a couple of years. Literally can't wait to iron them. And I NEVER iron. This'll probably be the one and only time he has ironed clothes!


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## ciacox

Matching panel gave us the green light! They were warm and lovely and it all just felt right. Intros now due to start Jan 29th, which is a bit earlier than expected. This is great, but also slightly frustrating. We'd been told before Feb 3rd and have both been planning our lives to that date, including tying things up with work. Now it seems Feb 3rd was just picked out of the air and when they actually came to look at their diaries they realised it could be sooner.  Wouldn't mind if there was a good reason! Anyway, I'm not complaining (well, I was, but you know what I mean!). Sooner the better as far as I'm concerned. Wish I could go to him tomorrow.


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## Tw1nk82

Congratulations fantastic news xx


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## Sq9

Whoop whoop! Congratulations mummy   Xxx


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## Norma12

Congrats, fab news xxx


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## ciacox

Just thought I'd post two songs that have been my kind of soundtrack to the last couple of years:




https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Q58Gm18-IMY
Need to start listening out for soundtracks to parenting!

/links


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## poppy05

Hi
I've just sat and read your entire diary, and couldn't not post a message of congrats to you both!
We have just sent our ROI off and reading this has really made me feel that this could actually happen for us, thankyou for sharing your journey,  and im really excited to read the next part of your diary, i can't begin to imagine how excited you must be feeling to meet your little boy.


poppy xx


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## ciacox

Thanks Poppy! - and good luck with your adventure.Glad you have started a diary too - I'll be following.

Last day of work today and one week till we meet our LO. I know there is a roller coaster of emotions to come (and a lot behind us too) but right now I just feel calm and happy and ready. Not calm in the sense of assuming everything will be fine, just calm in a sense of committed to this little person and everything he will bring to our family.


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## ciacox

12 hours from now we'll be with our little boy. Excited and scared and not many other words to describe it!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Good luck today enjoy every second of meeting your little man 

Thinking of you xxxx


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## poppy05

Good luck today hun, thinking of you xxx


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## ciacox

So today we met our little cub. What a gorgeous, sparkling person he is. An amazing, life changing couple of hours. I had prepared myself to be okay if I felt very little so it was a lovely surprise to feel so drawn to him so immediately. He was looking at us really intently at times. And we couldn't stop looking at him. Had to force myself to look away a bit so as not to freak him out! He's not quite ready for cuddles yet but we had some special moments, like when he started playing with my fingers. The morning was incredibly intense and emotional but also felt very natural and normal. Can't wait for tomorrow. We're going to watch a film this afternoon and chill out in preparation for some long days ahead!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

That sounds like perfect and appropriate reactions from you both, how wonderful 😍 Chill chill chill, restock and enjoy intros, you are entering a new world, starting a new life, eeeeeeeeekkk


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## Sq9

Amazing 😍. Enjoy every second and make sure you get lots of sleep in between 😊 xxx


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## ciacox

Day 2 of intros went well. He was asleep on the sofa for the first hour which meant we cd freely stare at him (he's  SO beautiful!) and also have good chat with FCs. He had a bit of lunch when he woke up and let me give him some yoghurt. Then we all went out for a walk with him in his new pram. This wasn't so fun. It was bloody freezing and he cried the whole time. Ended up having to be carried the last bit by FCs. M was a bit traumatised! Back at the house, FCs' daughter and two grandchildren had popped in. Initially I wasn't pleased about this but in fact having extra people around made the situation more relaxed. FC made a bottle up for him and just carried him over and plonked him on my knee. And he was very happy there. Didn't even mind the little shower of kisses I gave him. M was a bit jealous! So when his bottle was finished and he was toddling round again and showing a bit of interest in the book M had I just picked him up and put him on M's knee and they had a lovely storytime. Very sweet if slightly disturbed by the 2 yr old granddaughter who had fallen in instant love with M and kept flinging herself on top of them both!


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## Norma12

Sounds good ciacox, hope he settles in his new pram soon


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## ciacox

Day 3 was intense, beautiful and exhausting. Plan had been for us to take Cub for a walk on our own but weather awful again so FCs went out and left us at home with him instead. They ended up being away for three hours (kept texting to check in if we were ok). We did lunch and played and danced and cuddled. Just amazing. He cried when they left and it took us a few minutes to settle him. He was then suddenly clingy with me which was lovely but I was aware it was more about him being a little stressed rather than suddenly falling in love with me. But after about an hour he started to relax and laugh and play with us and, whilst still cuddly with us both, was able to take his own space a bit too. He loves dancing and music and we all had such a laugh dancing around the sitting room together. I took an amazing video of him and M peekaboo-ing, both of them heartily laughing.

Totally shattered and we've only done 3 days out of 10!


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## Tictoc

Intros really are draining aren't they! Sounds like it is all going so well though


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## ciacox

Day 6 now and as I write I'm sitting here watching M and cub (my family!) sleeping together on the sofa. Cub's first time sleeping in our house and it's just magical. Intros have been going well and it's lovely that they've now shifted to our place as we are having occasional moments of the 'new normal'. FC commented this morning that Cub seemed a bit unsettled and grouchy. I can't imagine what's going through his wee head. His routine is all messed up and these new people have swept into his life. I think he's doing absolutely amazingly and I hope I can support him through it all. M and I were saying earlier that whilst these few days have been exhausting and strange we have both felt happy and enjoyed ourselves more than we expected to.


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## ciacox

Cub spent the whole day with us at ours today. Bath and pjs and then back to foster carer's for bedtime. Same routine tomorrow. It was lovely. He had his first go in the ergo and just snuggled straight in. Was great as he wants holding a lot and not sure my arms are up to it without a carrier. Definitely saw some anxiety this afternoon. Asking to be held all the time and then asking to get down as soon as he's up. So up and down a hundred times (and I'm all set to do it a million more times if that's what he needs). But also some happy and relaxed bits too. He loves his bath and just laughed the whole time.


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## ciacox

Day 8 and all going well but think we're all feeling a bit tired and overwhelmed. Coming back and forth to our place disrupted LOs naps twice today so he wasn't in the best form when we dropped him off. Trying to juggle the need for food and nap at the right times plus all the driving is not great. Just want him home now! Still lots of smiles and cuddles were shared. Such a cute moment when we were all dancing together and M and I had a kiss and Cub looked at us puzzled and then leaned right in to give me a big slobbery kiss! 3 more sleeps apart and then it'll be bedtime in his forever home!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Lovely updates, intros are such a crazy whirlwind of emotion, you all sound to be doing fantastically xxx


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## ciacox

Day 9. Picked him up this morning and FC told us he'd had a terrible night. Screaming and raging and nothing she could do to help. She said he was beside himself and seemed as if he was really angry. Poor poppet. He was exhausted yesterday after poor sleep and I guess he's getting an inking that a huge change is afoot. My heart just hurts for him. He fell asleep in the car on way home and - having learnt from yesterday! - we just parked in the carpark of a local park for an hour and read our books while he slept. Went home when he woke up and had a lovely chilled few hours. He seemed in pretty good form and we just kept things very low key. Back to the FCs for 4pm for his leaving party. Loads of the grandchildren there and it was gorgeous to see him in his element playing with them all and giggling away. We stayed for a while to meet people and then headed off. One more day of all this to-ing and fro-ing and then we start the rest of our lives!


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## ciacox

Day 10 and final day of intros. Happy birthday to me!

Today I learnt a little about the realities of planet toddler:
Mummy's fantasy: She and her little boy enjoy a happy hour making a birthday cake together. Then M and Cub light candles for the cake and sing a beautiful rendition of Happy Birthday whilst Mummy tearily takes photos. 
Reality: Cub not interested in baking at all. Wants to play with grater. In attempt to wrest it from him whilst he's standing on kitchen chair, he falls headlong onto wooden floor. Cub cries, Mummy cries, Daddy cries (Cub stops crying long before Mummy and Daddy do). Later Daddy sticks candle in cake and sings whilst Cub plays with a washing up brush. Photos are rubbish.

Best birthday ever (really).


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wow what a day honey but happy birthday to you happy birthday to happy birthday dear ciacox happy birthday to you  

Hope tomorrow goes smoothly honey the move in date I found the hardest holding back the tears as we took him from fc but that night when he's sleeping soundly in his cot everything was just perfect.

Thinking of you tomorrow honey can't wait to read tomorrow's post when he's snuggled in his bed xxxxx


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## Norma12

Happy birthday Ciacox xxx & best wishes for tomorrow xx


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## Cloudy

Happy Ciacox  

But you missed one bit off your post: It should say "Cloudy cried" because just had tears (happy ones) in my eyes reading the last few days  

Enjoy your first full night together and sending you loads of best wishes for everything xxx


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## ciacox

And he's home! So strange and different and wonderful to go to sleep last night with a LO in his cot in the room next door. He went down fine at around 7.40 and woke at 5.15... An extra hour would have been nice but more than made up for by early morning cuddles in bed with my two boys!

Since yesterday M and I have been taking shifts with him which seems to work better for all of us. During intros we seemed to spend quite a bit of time with both of us hovering over him which was probably a bit much for him and meant that neither of us go a break. So now we're doing more 1-1 stuff, obviously with lots of bits where we're all together too. 

There aren't really words for how this all feels. Just a few: happy, tiring, boring, interesting, anxiety provoking, dream-like, hyper-alert, fun, stressful, sweet, warm. And I don't really feel like a mum yet at all, or really that he is my son. I have moments of something very like love, and moments of feeling I am looking at a stranger. But somewhere deep down I have a strong belief - almost a faith - that love will come, that he will feel like ours (and we will feel like his), and that this is alright and all right.

Haha - just had a text from M downstairs: "He's asleep, what do I do?" He doesn't normally nap til around 11... I replied "Kiss him and cuddle him".


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## Tictoc

Ciacox - it takes a while to feel like mum to be honest - just keep enjoying each day and it will come.

Sounds like you are having a lovely time though


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## ciacox

Just starting to find our rhythm a bit now. Cub is doing brilliantly. We've had a couple of times when we both felt he might be processing what's happening. At the park yesterday he went very quiet and was just looking around at people and we both thought he might be looking for his FCs. Poor little one. Last night he woke up about 4am and was beside himself. Couldn't help him at all - in the end we had dummy, bottle, calpol and teething powders lined up in front of him and him just screaming at everything. He calmed down in the end with cuddles from Daddy.

Life has changed so so much and in some ways I don't think it's hit me yet. I feel almost too calm and I keep expecting to have a sudden meltdown. Last night when we were tiptoeing to bed we heard Cub wake up a bit and both froze on the stairs. Turned round to see a look of total panic on M's face and I had that inevitable thought, "If I laugh now that would be really bad..." And I just started laughing properly hysterically with M getting crosser and crosser on the stairs. I had tears streaming down my face and felt a hit of a million emotions at once. Quite cathartic really!


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## Sq9

You're doing brilliantly  . The love will come as will the feeling of being a mum. Both took me a long time but when it happened it was utterly amazing 💕 xx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

We still freeze 2 and a half years in everytime we hear him wake slightly so that will
Never go away hehe 
Sounds like your doing amazing honey xxx


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## ciacox

Over 2 weeks in now and everyday we find our feet a little more. Cub is brilliant. He has a fab sense of humour and some real laughs. He has his moments but overall I'm amazed that he seems so happy so much of the time. If I'm honest I'm afraid this might be a honeymoon period and that the shock of the move hasn't quite hit him yet.

A couple of things that are not filling me with joy:

His dummy. I know it's a comfort thing, I know this is the worst time to think about weaning him off it but I just hate it. Partly it's aesthetic. He looks so cute without it! I also think it affects his developing speech - he's so chatty (not actual words, just scribble talk) without it and nearly silent with it. He has it in nearly 50% of the time when he's awake and constantly when he's asleep. To be honest, my feelings about it are quite deep and I think it's because I've never liked dummies, no one in my family has ever had one, and Cub would never have had one if he'd always been my baby. Anyway, for now I'm working hard to get over fixating on the dummy.

The other thing is his relationship with M. I think he likes M more than me. God, it sounds so pathetic to say that. M I'd so gregarious and so funny with him and Cub's face lights up as soon as he walks into the room. This morning M went up to have a shower and Cub just stayed shouting for him at the bottom of the stairs. I hate that I feel left out and jealous. I've resolved to push through the feelings of want g to back off and leave them to it and just continue to be the solid loving mummy he needs. Time to be the grown up!


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## Tictoc

Hi Ciacox - with both our adopted kids they liked my husband more than me to start with whilst our birth son was always a mummy's boy. I kinda assumed the other two would want me so I was hugely jealous too. It has changed over time and although AD is a daddy's girls she wants me almost as much and AS wants me more. I put it down to the fact that their carers before coming to us were women and so they associated women with letting them down / leaving them.

Also both our adopted kids came with dummies whilst birth son never really used it. With AD I hated it (that was partially because it was a dangerous dummy and could easily have been swallowed - international adoption) but it took me about a month before I started to wean her off it because it was such a comfort for her. With AS he is 6 months with us and still using it - I have just got used to it but maybe 3 kids in if the dummy gives me a few minutes of quiet I'll go with it 😆

Sounds like everything is going great though.


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## ciacox

Thanks TicToc!

Nearly 3 weeks since Cub came home. Developments over the past week:

- He's really starting to enjoy books. We have a few on the go and he's starting to bring them to us and climb on our knees for a read. Today he pointed out the doggy on all the pages of 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt' and even said 'Diggy!'. Was so proud I wanted to ring someone and tell them immediately but it was 7am on a Sunday morning and didn't think anyone would be that delighted!
- We went to the tots group which is run by adopters from our LA. I felt like crying when I walked in. After all these years of feeling like I don't quite fit with other women, here was my tribe. It's a bit of a drive for us but we'll definitely keep going. There were 3 kids almost exactly Cub's age.  
- A few times when we've been out and about, Cub has gone to cuddle up to strangers. We were chatting to our neighbours yesterday on their doorstep and Cub reached over to put himself in their arms. Like he thought we were dropping him off or something? Good reminder that we still have a long way to go.
- M did a couple of days at work last week. We missed him. Cub had one afternoon of crying and needing to be carried for hours. It's exhausting.
- We've managed a couple of outings to parks, followed by picnic lunch in the park, followed by walking home with Cub falling asleep in the carrier and transferring to his cot when we get back. This is brilliant because it means we can be out all morning without having to get back early for the lunch and cuddle-to-sleep routine.
- Poor little guy has a cold. He doesn't seem to bothered by it but I'm getting the maternal right of passage of having his snot ALL OVER me....


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## butterfly15

Hi Ciacox,

I have just read your diary and am sat here with tears rolling down my cheeks I am so happy for you and the fact that your long journey has all been worth it for you both.  You seem so happy!

We have only just started our journey to adopt with the preparation groups so we have a long way to go,  I haven't been on here since 2013 when we had IVF so I may do a diary too.

It has been nice to hear about all your ups and your downs as everything you have mentioned are things that I am anxious about too so it's nice to hear how you handled them.

Good luck with everything you are an inspiration to anyone out there thinking about adoption.


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## ciacox

Ahhh,  thanks Butterfly! Looking forward to hearing about your adventures!


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## ciacox

Nearly 6 weeks of being a family. Altogether, things are going better than I would have hoped. I think I was so prepared to feel nothing for him, or for him to reject us, that the fact we are all developing a warm and loving relationship just feels amazing. We are very lucky. I know there may be difficult times to come but in the spirit of living in the moment, I can say that this moment is very good. We have a lot of fun (enough to far outweigh sleep deprivation/stress/tantrums when denied banana). He's funny, loving, warm and thoughtful. And it's just lovely to see and experience our attachment growing. For example, the first time we went to rhyme time in the library I spent the whole time chasing him round, trying to get him to come to me rather than join other families. When we went this week he sat on my knee nearly the whole time (and his getting up and running riot seemed on a par with the other kids). And when he was first here, he often didn't want us to get him out of his cot when he was upset in the night and would sort of squirm away. Now he's standing with his arms up waiting for a cuddle. Yesterday afternoon he was stressed and upset and for the first time I didn't jump to the conclusion that he was feeling disoriented/missing his FCs.

We are continuing to be quite strict re visitors etc. Our families have visited but not for longer than a couple of hours at a time. That has always been fine and he doesn't seem to be stressed by it so it's tempting to think we didn't need to be so strict. But perhaps he's been fine because we have been! I'd rather have nothing to regret. Hopefully we'll have my mum and M's parents separately to stay in May for a couple of nights. Until then we'll start introducing him to friends in a low key way. But M and I are not totally isolated. We've both had nights out with friends while the other does bedtime duty. I felt like such a fradulent new mum in a bar with a glass of wine 3 weeks after he came home but it's helping me stay sane to get out in the world.

Spring has arrived perfectly. Love is blooming!


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## crazyspaniel

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

What a lovely post to read! So happy for you all


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## Norma12

Loving reading back through your diary to help
Me through introductions xxxxx

Thanks ciacox, an inspiration xx


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## ciacox

We met with Cub's FCs today. This is the second time we've met up since he came home. The first time was at our house after about 2 weeks and was planned at the same time as we planned the intros. This time was in a park and a bit sooner than I would have wanted. To be honest, I felt a bit pushed into it. We had a text saying they had an Easter egg for him and would love to meet up to give it to him. Not sure if we should have gone. They are lovely and I really do want us to stay in touch but it did remind me of how fragile our relationship still is. It ended up just me and Cub as M was at work and I felt a bit outnumbered. The guy is so energetic and gung ho and basically just swept Cub up and spent the whole time carrying him around. Cub was happy and loved it but I felt sad and back to how I felt during intros. I kept thinking, I'm his mum, how would a mum act now? Should I intervene/relax/enjoy/ignore/leave? In the end I politely cut things short and Cub was more than happy to wave them off and get in the car with me. Think I'll leave it a while before we meet again and definitely bring M along for moral support...

I'm learning that our progress isn't totally linear. I have days when I feel things growing beautifully (hence my last post!) and days when I feel we're going backwards. It's hardest when we go out to groups (rhyme time etc or even cafes) - he's back to wandering about and walking up to other families. They find it sweet but I'm acutely aware that he is not seeing me as his base. I'm torn between thinking we need to stay in more just the two of us and thinking we need to keep practising him knowing I'm his base. Also, as wonderful as he is, staying in just the two of us does drive me a bit nuts! Our best days are probably when the weather is good and we can spend time outside. I'm also aware that my feelings towards him are as important as his towards me. For this to feel right, we both need to be feeling it.

Also, he's developed a tic   Think his body may be telling us he is not quite as relaxed and chirpy as he seems.

Finally, and least importantly, my arms really hurt! Thank god it's Friday and M can take over carrying duty for a couple of days.


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## poppy05

Sending you a big hug hunni    you are doing brilliantly, and i think the fc's need to understand that you are cubs mummy now, and they need to have some respect for your attachment process, so i would be inclined to put off further visits until cub has recognised you as his base when out in public, you call the shots not them.
maybe explain to them how you felt on the last visit and ask them for the next time to be a little more controlled, so ask fc not to dive straight in and pick him up, ask them to refe to you as mummy to cub, they could behave more like they are visiting you and dh rather than just cub? 


hope you are feeling ok and have some better days   


poppy xx


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## ciacox

Thanks Poppy! Following from my last post, it was definitely a mistake to meet the FCs, and especially to let Cub be swept off. We had a rough few days afterwards and he was very rejecting of me. Literally pushing me away. It was hard. Things are much better now and I'm just thanking my lucky stars he bounced back pretty quickly. I'm annoyed with the FCs (and even more annoyed with myself) for the way things went. Oh well, I'm living and learning.

Over the last few days, I've been thinking a lot about how my needs and wants are not necessarily the same as Cub's. I am so so excited to have him in my life and, to be honest, I'd be delighted if we spent all day cuddling and looking into each others' eyes! But Cub has a life to grow into, independence to gain, a need for downtime. So there will be hours, even days, where he isn't bothered about cuddling and eye contact. At these times, I feel anxious about our attachment, worried that I'm being rejected. Which is understandable because it's early days and I do need to think about this. But it's not fair on Cub and I need to be really careful that he doesn't pick up on this pressure. Cub doesn't need to be the answer to years of desperately wanting a child, he needs to be himself.

I was watching The A Word (about a child on the autism spectrum) the other night, and a conversation between the boy's mum and his pretty blunt therapist really struck home:

_I'm in his face all the time, aren't I?
You are, and that makes him anxious that he doesn't have what it takes to fulfil your overwhelming need._

Food for thought!


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## Thepinklady

Ciacox, insightful words! You are right that toddlers do just want to be busy exploring the world around them and growing in independence and at times is may seem like rejection but it is them saying "I'm busy working mummy, figuring out how this big world works, I don't have time for cuddles at the moment but when I'm tired and done with this you can bet I will be back for reassurance and love." They need both. They need regular loving interactions that tell them you are there for them and also time to just be. You are right it can be hard to remember that. I remember years ago at child protection training for a voluntarily organisation when discussing how to handle a small child's need for effection and keeping every one safe the leader said, " if I child is upset and comes to you seeking reassurance then it is appropriate to provide that, but if it is you the adult seeking your needs reassured and the child has not requested it then it is not appropriate." Obviously that was in a voluntary setting with children that did not belong to us. When we are dealing with our own children it is very different and there will be times that we need to try and shower love and effection on our little ones even if they don't want it because it will be about the ultimate good for them in helping them form a healthy loving attachment, but there will be times that we need to remind ourselves to take a step back and just observe our lo's enjoying the world.

Regards meeting the foster carers can I reassure you in saying I don't think you made a mistake meeting them so soon. Yes the FC definitely seem to have went over board in their interactions and most definitely did not give you your place. I am sure you will have read some of my posts about contact with foster carers from our experience with our LO who returned home to mum as part of a concurrent placement. I have seen post adoption/placement contact from both eyes first hand. We have done the introductions and the removing a child from the care of fc's who truely loved her and have handed a child over to birth mum who we loved and cherished for 9 months. Since our LO went back we have had ongoing regular contact as we have given mum some respite. Both ourselves and BM feel that LO has benifitted from this as she has been able to slowly transfer her full attachment to mum while knowing that we have not just suddenly just disappeared and vanished. A friend has adopted two children who were both in FC for about 18 months from birth to pre placement. One did not have any continued contact throughout their life with foster family and the other did from very shortly after. She said that yes initially the meetings would unsettle LO for a few days but that unsettledness would settle and each time he would seem a little bit further down the road of attachment. The unsettledness was him making sense of what was happening and realising it's ok, they are safe and I am safe here. He needed that grieving process. The older child who is now in her teens has never had this process and has lots of questions not just surrounding who she is and her birth family but about the first 18 months of her life that never really get answered. My friend said it is sad because really there was no good reason why this link could not have been maintained to allow a relationship to develop. She believes her son is in a much better place with acceptance of his past and who he is than his sister because of this early and regular ongoing contact. From the FC point of view they should have taken much more of a backward seat and promoted you as mum. Perhaps you could talk to them or ask SW to talk to them ahead of next visit and set firm guidelines. Just my thoughts and ignore if not relevant to you.

All the best as you continue to settle down as a family, it is a very exciting time cherish it!


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## ciacox

Thanks Pink Lady. It's good to hear your perspective. A few people have said we shdnt meet FCs again but I don't agree. I know how much good the first visit did him and, although he was unsettled by the second visit, I think that was about them being too heavy handed and me not stepping in. We will manage that better next time (I plan to chat on the phone ahead of the next visit). I really want them in our lives. Not all the time, but enough that Cub knows who they are and experiences a sense of continuity in his life. I will leave it a month or two though (we'll  stay in touch via texts and pictures in the meantime). If I'm honest that's about me needing a bit of space and to build my confidence a bit.


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## ciacox

4 months tomorrow since we first set eyes on Cub. I can say with certainty that I've never been so happy. It scares me to acknowledge how happy I am, because I'm afraid I'll jinx it and something terrible will happen. But I know it's important to just celebrate this feeling while I have it. My life at the moment is just lovely. Spending loads of time outside with Cub, who gets happier and funnier and more loving by the day. 
This week we got a bike seat for Cub and today we cycled together to the park and round it, him pointing at 'woof woofs', 'balls' and 'quack quacks' and me grinning like an idiot. I'm back to work in October, when M will take 4 months off. But I just got a job much closer to home so I won't be away from Cub as much as I feared. 

I know that lots of people on this forum are going through terrible times. I've been there and I hope it's not insensitive to write about how good things are now. I'm doing it to make an honest record of our adventure and also perhaps to offer hope to people thinking about the adoption path, or taking their first steps along it. Of course it's not such a smooth road for everyone (and may not always be so smooth for us) but I know reading about others happy endings/beginnings helped me make the leap. And even though I read it lots of times, I am only now able to truly believe that adoption is not second best to having a birth child. It's wonderful, powerful, extraordinary and special and I just know that a birth child would not have made me happier than I am today. That's not to say I've stopped being sad about our infertility - I always will be sad about it. But yesterday, watching Cub with his little watering can watering the beautiful plant we planted to remember our losses, it felt that things have turned out exactly as they should.

Our adoption order paperwork went in a couple of weeks ago. I heard that BPs split up and scared myself that this would be enough of a change in circumstances for things to be reconsidered. But I've been reassured and we just have to let the process happen.  And we met with FCs again this morning. Went with M, agreed plan beforehand and it was great. Was lovely to see them and Cub was fine.

I'm not on here as much because I am finally finally finally one of those people just getting on with being a family. But I will keep updating as any developments come up.


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## Helend75

Lovely x


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## Norma12

So lovely to read hun xxxxxx


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## FlyingCat

Wonderful to hear your news, glad things are going well for you. You deserve it after so long waiting for your family to grow.

Cub is lucky to have you.


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## ciacox

Just back from our first holiday as a family. A week away at the coast staying at a chalet near M's parents house. We were nervous about how Cub would manage being away but yet again he exceeded our expectations. He's such a resilient little person, I'm in awe of him. Was great to see him spending quality time with his grandparents. They are so in love with him and he loves being around them. M and I even managed a couple of hours on our own while they looked after him, and a meal out after we'd put him to bed. I'm still not ready for others to do bedtime routine etc but it's nice that they can look after him during the day a bit. The holiday was great (as far as rainy British seaside holidays can be!) but I was very happy to be home. So lovely to be back in our lovely house with our lovely boy. I know when I've moved to new places something about going away and coming back to them is a really important step in them feeling like home, so I hope Cub felt like that too. Currently waiting on date for AO hearing. Was hoping for a letter when we got back but nothing yet. Anyway, Cub is already very much ours and we are very much his so I'll let the bureaucracy run at its own pace.


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## ciacox

Bumps in the road for us. I don't feel we had very long to enjoy being calm and happy... M is seeing a urologist on Thursday after an ultrasound spotted a worrying lump in his testicle. This is not a world I want to enter. Still have some hope that the lump is related to previous surgery for UDTs rather than cancer, but doctor didn't think so. 

In other news, birth parents are contesting the AO. First hearing in a couple of weeks but SW warned us it could drag out for a while. And BM is pregnant again - v different circumstances to before so no certainty about what will happen.

The future suddenly looks very scary. Supposed to be returning to work next month but feeling wobbly about that too. Guess we'll just have to wait to know what's happening with M and make plans from there.


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## Helend75

Feel free to contact me - 11 months ago I was exactly where you are now with my OH xx

Sorry to learn there are hiccups in your journey to AO - you'll get there!


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## ciacox

Thanks Helen. I've been thinking of you guys and taking heart that (although I know it was incredibly stressful at the time) I remember diagnosis and treatment was pretty quick and smooth. Not sure if it's just a weird coincidence that were in the same boat or whether there's a link between causes of male infertility and testicular cancer (staying away from disappearing down the Google tunnel at the moment!)


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## Helend75

Sent you a pm - chin up x


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## Norma12

Sending positive thoughts to you Ciacox xxxx


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## ciacox

Thanks guys. Nervous about tomorrow but also weirdly calm. Had an awful day on Tuesday when I felt convinced he definitely has cancer and started to panic that it has spread everywhere. But have a bit more perspective now and just accepting that we have to wait til we know for sure. Us infertility/adoption graduates are pros at living with uncertainty!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hope you get some positive news tomorrow. Thinking of you xxx


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## ciacox

Well, after paying to go private for the first time in our lives (except self funding IVF), we are not impressed with our experience. The doctor didn't show up! After waiting 30 mins his nurse came out to apologise and say that he had 'double booked' and could we come back next week?! We told her we weren't happy and explained the reason for the appointment (and the fact that to make it we had had to lose our place on nhs waiting list). Anyway, now have an appointment for first thing tmrw...


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## Helend75

I can only imagine your frustration! Hope it goes/has gone ok


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## ciacox

Good news! Urologist is not concerned about lump. He said he will recommend he's checked again in 6 months in case it  grows but he said there's nothing to worry about. There is something there but he said it's most likely a cyst or a scar from surgery. M's had a blood text but doctor said he would be shocked if it came back with tumour markers. Unbelievably, the stress and urgency basically came about because the sonographer made a typo - citing cm instead of mm on the measurements. Too relieved to be annoyed.

The whole thing's given me a real insight into how terrifying cancer is (even the least dangerous kinds of cancer). So relieved it's not our turn for bad news this time. Thanks all for your support.

In case anyone was wondering, the urologist there is a bit of a link between testicles with genetic abnormalities (which is the case for most undescended testicles and perhaps others that don't make sperm properly) and testicular cancer. The risk is raised a bit - from something like 1/10,000 in general population, to more like 1/2000 in this. Still very rare though.


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## Helend75

Phew!!! Massive relief x


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## ciacox

Court hearing tomorrow... Not sure what to expect or even hope for. We've been told birth parents are contesting so I suppose this will be the first of a few dates. Small part of me still hoping that the judge will just finalise everything tomorrow. 

And Cub's birthday on Friday. Planning a little party on Saturday. Bit sad as we will have no family there. Everyone is just so far away. M's parents had planned to come up for the weekend but his dad is ill so they can't. Oh well, we're lucky to have some lovely friends and neighbours joining us. I'm determined to make a cake even though my skills in that area are notoriously limited!

Cub continues to be just wonderful. We count ourselves lucky every day. He's had a bit of a language spurt the last few weeks and we're able to chat much more which is lovely. He loves animals and diggers and babies. He's sociable with other kids bit also a bit of a nightmare when someone invades his space or goes near a toy he fancies.  He does tend to push other kids sometimes which I hate but am hoping he'll grow out of it soon! He's starting to develop relationships outside of home and has a best buddy who lives across the road. So cute to see them hug and hold hands.


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## ciacox

So birth mum showed up to contest the adoption. Theyve been given time to produce evidence of change in circumstances and apparently there will be another hearing before Christmas. I know this was to be expected and is hopefully just something we have to go through but I hate it. It feels so weird that there was this whole court hearing about my family today while we just had our normal day. I'm scared that we will be that one case where things don't turn out okay. And when people to say that there's no chance we'll lose him I feel upset and angry that (if that is the case) we all (including birth family) have to be put through this process. I'm usually pretty laid back about people getting the terms wrong but it really didn't help today that the social worker who called kept on about how his 'mum' had come to court but his 'dad' hadn't been there. I should have said, ' you must be mistaken, I didn't come, I'm at home looking after my baby'. 

It's so strange and sad that there is another woman out there who considers herself to be Cub's mummy...


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## Tictoc

I really feel for you hear. BM contested at our last AO and even though SW kept telling me nothing had changed you can't help but worry. She was given another date to present whatever her case was but she didn't turn up at the next hearing so AO was granted. I hope you get another date soon.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

It's just rubbish   Our scenario was exactly the same as Tictocs, things were delayed approximately 5 weeks. A lot of worry and tears later we officially became a family. So will you xxx


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## ciacox

Just a quick update. I've been back to work a few weeks now. M and I have done Shared Parental Leave so he and Cub will have 4 months together while I'm working full time. I'm finding it totally exhausting. I miss playtime with Cub and I miss having so much time to work on our connection. This time apart has made me realise that there is still work to be done. Sometimes I don't feel he is... I don't know... deep enough in my bones. I can't think of another way to say it. When I'm with him all the time I think he's just brilliant and I feel a lot of love. But when I'm working I feel disconnected and then when I get home I feel exhausted and it's hard to work on it. I'm not sure if this is an adoption thing or just a normal return to work thing. I'm going part time in Feb and I'm really hoping this will be the answer!

Back to court in a few weeks for the hearing when the judge should decide whether BM gets leave to oppose the adoption order. She has put forward written information about her change in circumstances, although Cub''s SW says nothing she has said is of concern to us. Really really hoping it'll be over soon.


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## ciacox

Makes me a bit sad to read about on that last post and think about how I felt then. I really struggled those first couple of weeks at work and felt ill for quite a bit. Have found an equilibrium now and seem to be getting the hang of being a working mum. Still desperate to be part time though! Cub and M are doing great and I'm so glad they're having this time together. I love that M is experiencing the joys and agonies of full time parenting, and that I am experiencing the crazy balancing act of full time working and coming home to an exhausted parent who needs to hand Cub straight over. It's really helped us appreciate each other! 

Another hearing yesterday and we were so hopeful that the AO would be granted. But it's been adjourned again, this time because BM says she wasn't sent the paperwork in time... Very frustrating. The only positive to this dragging out has been that we've had some enlightening conversations with professionals. Cub has been appointed a guardian who came out to see him and was so complimentary about how he's progressed (she knew him during care proceedings). Her report was super positive about his placement with us and very clear about how bad for him a return to birth family would be. I think it might be a good thing for him to see one day. Because the proceedings are about whether BM's circumstances have significantly changed we are also learning about the concerns for the baby she is currently pregnant with. We know now that due date is Feb and that there are significant concerns that she will not be in a position to care for the baby. Trying my best (unsuccessfully!) not to get carried away with the potential implications of this for us. M is v unsure about a second child, even if the option is presented. I've told him if he wants me to stop obsessing about it, I need a new focus and must be allowed to make some house alterations I've been going on about for ages!


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## tinkytoes

A birth sibling for cub would be amazing too.  I have everything crossed for you that it happens!!    

In the meantime, is there any prospect of going part time once the shared parental leave is over?  

Glad you're feeling better and I am sure the disconnection is a work thing, my friends who have birth kids say the same.  What is so reassuring for us newbies is to see that you love your cub   , I'm worried the love may not come so readily. 

xx


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## ciacox

Hi tinkytoes - yes, I will be going part time in Feb. Just have to hold out til then.

Cub has started nursery. Very gradual settling in with a couple of hours two mornings a week at the mo, leading up t three full days in Feb. He's doing great and likes it so far. He's not yet been upset at been left but does tend to look for me or M after 20 mins or so. They say he settles easily with reassurance and gets back to playing. He's giving us so much joy these days. We're lucky on that he always has and we're surprised that he keeps getting more amazing.

Another 'final' hearing on Friday (our third). Please let this be our time. Would be a great Christmas present.

No further news on birth sibling. I know an assessment is under way and our social worker has promised she'll feedback the outcome of that. I've stayed relatively calm about that over the past few weeks and am hoping to keep it to the back of my mind until such time as we need to think about it.


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## ciacox

So birth mum was refused leave to oppose today and court date set for Jan 5th when adoption order will be granted (provided they don't appeal). I think I'll leave my celebrations til then. From what we were told it was a painful and distressing day for Cub's birth family and my thoughts are with them. Adoption is a path of such joy and such tragedy. Hard to comprehend sometimes.


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## ciacox

Adoption order granted today! Now I feel like celebrating.   We are so blessed with our little Cub. We've been his parents in heart and soul and sleepless nights and nappy changes and cuddles for nearly a year. But it's nice to be his parents in law too!


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## Norma12

Congratulations xxxxxx


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## Dawn86

So pleased for you!! What an amazing feeling that must be


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## Perkins2

Congratulations, lovely news xx


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## FlyingCat

Congratulations on the adoption order so pleased for you!


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## ciacox

Just as things are settled re Cub, it looks like I'm in for a new bout of sleepless nights. His birth sibling is due in a couple of weeks and there's a care plan of adoption. This has been on the cards for a while but always a bit vague. Found at yesterday that things are definitely moving in that direction. Also found out that it's a boy. Because we now have AO we have to be reassessed but I think that will be pretty quick - SW said a couple of meetings and redo medicals. We have talked a bit about foster to adopt but for various reasons I don't think this will be our path. SW thinks they'll have placement order 4-6 months after he's born. Still very possible this won't work out. Back on the rollercoaster! Been awake since 4am panicking!


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## Norma12

Ciacox- soundslike things could happen now. Glad DH is on board now too. 
It is a rollercoaster, try not to fret too much as with all of these processes it seems to be out of our control. Is it the same LA? Our agency did training for taking on siblings  & how to balance different needs/different ages. I think that will be a major part of the assessment really.

If you need to talk anything through I'm always available as we have recently done the sane, taken on sibling via adoption not F2A at 7 months, 8 months after 1st LO was placed xx


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## ciacox

Thanks Norma! Yes, we'll need to think a lot about how Cub will manage and how we balance not unsettling him with settling in a new one. Cub's not a fan of sharing! All very surreal at the moment and I'm prepared for the plan to change again. Currently trying to figure out what the logistics would be re work and whether I'll qualify for the same leave and pay package again so soon.


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## Norma12

Luckily I qualified to start a new set of adoption leave under the same terms & DH was able to share 2 months that was left of the statutory from the first lot of leave.....
I think they said if it happened a 3rd time it might havebeen different.


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## tinkytoes

Fabulous news! As I've been reading the parental leave stuff a lot lately I think you will get new leave for the new little one. Acas website I think was the better one to understand than the government guidance. Brilliant stuff, how exciting for you all. X


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## Dawn86

I know the logistical and emotional side of it must be daunting. (Another LO? So soon?) But I'm so pleased and excited for you. I think that the sheer joy of having a 2.4 family, with a sibling match for cub will be so exciting and I'm so pleased you have this option. Sounds like a dream to me! Xx


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## ciacox

Cub's celebration day was just gorgeous. 

I found arriving at court quite daunting. It's a large family court and it was sad to see so many troubled families there. And when I first arrived a welled up thinking of the many visits Cub's BM had had to the court and all of the grief she had experienced there. But I gave myself a kick up the bum and remembered that this was Cub's day and our chance to celebrate! We had my mum and brother, M's parents, and Cub's FCs. And our SW and Cub's SW were there too. We'd also booked a photographer for the day! A bit of an extravagance but I'm so glad we did. It meant I didn't have to think about getting photos - and we'll have some great photos as a reminder of our special day.

When we went into the court room everything suddenly felt very formal. We filled the benches and then the judge came in and we all stood up. The judge spoke to Cub and all eyes turned to our LO. I felt him go all tense and saw his lip wobble. Too much pressure! I braced myself for the tears. But he took a deep breath and answered the judge's questions (not difficult questions, just 'do you like trains?', 'what noise does a train make?' etc) in a calm, clear voice ('yes Jugat', 'choo choo' etc). So so proud of my boy!! (yes, he addressed the judge as Jugat all the way through). Then we went up for a certificate, a high five and a chance to try on the Judges wig.

Then off for a posh lunch with everyone (stopping for a photo session on the way). Was such a perfect day.

While we waited for lunch to come Cub and I wandered round the restaurant. As we walked towards a sofa, Cub suddenly ran towards it saying "mummy, the baby!". Then he picked up the imaginary baby and gave it to me to cuddle. He was so sweet about it and I commented to M that he doesn't usually play with such invisible things. We later learnt that Cub's baby brother was born that day...


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## tinkytoes

What a lovely wonderful post to read  

congratulations!

xxx


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## ciacox

5 months since I last posted! How I wish there was more news... We have completed our assessment and are again approved adopters in waiting. However, it's unclear whether Cub's birth sibling will be coming home to us. He's been in care since birth but the assessment and court process has been rife with delays and we've recently heard that the care plan of adoption may be changing. We want what's right for him, of course, but it's been a very tough few months in limbo. We're hoping for some resolution one way or another soon. The only good thing about this long hiatus is that both my boys are now more ready for someone to join our family. Cub is that bit more settled and confident, and M has had time to catch his breath since we first heard this was on the cards.


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## ciacox

Plan of adoption back on and we are cautiously optimistic baby will be home by September, when he'll be around 8 months. It's been a  rollercoaster and I think there may still be some loops to ride. Will hopefully know more next week.


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## cosmopolitan4112008

Hello, i just came across your diary! Congratulations on Cub! You and your husband are such wonderful parents to this boy! I was amazed when Cub showed you the invisible baby and that day his brother was born. Children's soul, because they are pure, can see what we cannot. I truly believe his brother will be a part of your family. I wish you all the best and will continue following the updates!


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## ciacox

Thanks cosmo! I agree - he genuinely seems to have a 6th sense. Keeping everything crossed!


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## ciacox

Intros start tomorrow! So excited to meet our little Kit. Cub is super happy to be a big bro. I'm anticipating times both difficult and wonderful to come!


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## cosmopolitan4112008

Let us know how itvwent. Congratulations!


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## ciacox

We met our littlest one today. What a gorgeous, sunny, bright baby he is. He's full of beans, super mobile and I can see why everyone has described him as clever. We feel very lucky. This little one will be easy to love


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## cosmopolitan4112008

It's really great that you got 2 brothers together! How soon would you be able to take him home? Was his brother with you today?


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## ciacox

Last day of intros tomorrow. All going well. Cub and Kit's first meeting was v special. They seemed to know each other already... Before they met at all I didn't think they looked alike at all but once they're next to each other there's a definite likeness. Cub fluctuating between joy and rage at our new arrival but nothing unexpected and think we'll muddle through. Kit is (so far!) taking it all in his stride but we'll have to wait and see how things go once he's home for good. First sparks of connection are definitely happening. It's harder than it was with Cub as we don't have the luxury of just focusing on him but I know we'll build love in time.


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## ciacox

Not sure if anyone still reads these forums but I wanted to post a little update as I know I was hooked on these stories when we were starting out on the adoption road. I know so many of us stop posting at times when life is easier and we're not so in need of support but that does mean that people considering adoption  miss out on reading much about the good times.

Cub is nearly five now and started school this week. He's wonderful. Imaginative, sensitive, and funny. He is an emotional wee person and needs a lot of nurturing but he responds well to support and we're so proud of him.

Kit is two and a half, clever, thoughtful and easy going (as far as any two year old can be!). He's a happy little soul and generally just gets on with stuff.

Cub and Kit's relationship has had some turbulent times. Cub was pretty unimpressed by Kit for a lot time and was often rejecting, and angry. It was tough and after a year of it I had started to accept that they will never be close and that I would have to give up on hoping for them to be friends. And then gradually (or was it suddenly?) they started to find each other. At the moment they really are best buddies and spend their time together running around the house hiding from an imaginary bear, playing hide and seek and putting on shows for me and their dad, which usually involve them taking all their clothes off and bouncing on beds together.

We're juggling work and home and nursery and now school and we're tired a lot. The kids do still fight of course. And I still worry about what difficulties they will have as they get older. But right now life is all I could have hoped for and more.d


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## cosmopolitan4112008

Great to see the update!
Don’t worry about their future. They have a stable and supportive home and that’s what matters. Initial issues were because of the age gap, but since they can play together now, they become closer. The important thing is they are together. You did a big thing by not allowing brothers to be separated!


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## FlyingCat

A very long time since i logged into this forum but so glad i did. I read your latest update and welled up at how lovely it is. 

I’m so glad you got your family.


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