# Going to be an Aunt



## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

We knew it was coming. The moment he met her and then when he announced their engagement. I've been on FF and moderating this board long enough to know the triggers we would face, in our infertility journey. I've prepared myself with responses for all sorts of situations. 

But when you are at the end of a long day, facing an eager young couple sharing their news in a cutesy way they took weeks to devise... You cannot seem to muster the excitement. Instead, the old feelings of deep sadness flood you. 

They mistake your silence for not yet understanding the surprise. The truth is, you knew the moment you sat down in front of them: the way they held themselves and smiled at each other. They had changed, were changing. And you feel the same as you did eight years ago. Left behind.

My younger brother and his lovely fiancé are having their baby later this year. I will eventually feel happy and will of course fall in love with my dear niece or nephew in ways I can't yet imagine. But for now, I feel inadequate and ashamed. Jealous. Angry. But mostly deeply sad.

Our likelihood of having children is so small it is bordering on miracle. We are so far from the starting line, we have started wondering why we are even on this journey. Our bodies and brains have become adjusted to childlessness. We learn that we are OK and maybe even Good without children. We have started to accept this may be our future. This may be us.

It feels like an injustice, one our family and friends remind us of, each time we see them. DH is so good with children, so loving and playful. They adore him. And me, I am their protector, their therapist, their person who sees and Gets them (even when they don't want anyone to). What a world we live in, to be gifted with such child-friendly personalities and parenting skills, with such an empty home.

It doesn't feel right.


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

Sending massive hugs xxxx


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## anneliese (Jul 21, 2014)

I no every situation is different as are ours I'm 30 with no children and just starting the IVF journey this week but 5 weeks ago my cousin/best friend announced her pregnancy I no the gut wrenching feeling you get 😢😢 I'm surprised at how well I handled it as we're family but it's not my place to make her wait for me and if my dreams don't come true at least I no I'm going to be the best aunt I can to get baby.... Only a few days after that news my little brother and his wife also announced that they would be trying..!! Trying if things were that simple to just TRY..!! But again another baby to be happy about soon.... It's a cruel world and I no how you feel why me is all I keep asking... Big hugs sent to you and congratulations on being an aunt I no its not perfect but I'm sure you'll be fantastic one xxxx


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

Hi Handstitched Mum

Firstly  

Its now nearly 4 years, but I vividly remember my 'little' sister phoning one Saturday morning asking if she could come round and see me.  I knew instantly what she was going to tell me, and I was right - she was pregnant.  I'm afraid I didn't completely hold it together and tears flowed in front of her, but she was also crying as she was upset on my behalf - by that time we had had 2 failed IVFs and she knew what we were going through.  However in between the tears of sadness for me I was happy for her as she was 40 at the time and she found out she was pregnant the day she went to her first appointment to start IVF herself.  Ultimately I was happy for her as I would never have wanted my little sister to go through what we have gone through (see signature).

Despite being close, I only saw her a 3-4 times during her pregnancy as I just couldn't handle it, but we did chat each week by phone or e-mail.  I remember crying hysterically down the phone to my cousin about a fortnight before baby was due, the very thought of it was making me ill.  There was one silver lining, however, it took away the pressure I felt for a genetic link and made it easier to move onto donor eggs.

I say all this, just to say you are not alone and every feeling is understandable.  Luckily I coped better when my niece was born and we are now very close (she is just over 3).  It is still hard seeing her but the love is stronger so it has become easier each time.  Like Anneliese, I also decided to be the best Aunt possible instead.      

I'm lucky in that after another 6 attempts at IVF DE I am now finally pregnant (18 weeks) but it is still early days so we are not taking things for granted.  As a result I've now not seen her since March and I miss the wee thing.  However as my child and niece will be only children, my sister and I hope that - if all goes to plan with me - they can be brought up as close as siblings.

My heart goes out to you but you will get through it, I'm in tears as I type as I still remember the pain that I went through when she was pregnant - as if the pain of infertility and failed treatments was somehow not enough, the world decides more needs to be heaped on.  

  
Turia x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

His HSM you are a beautiful kind and caring person.  Life is unjust and unfair at times and it's okay to scream shout and cry about it.  Take your time for you. Be kind to yourself and your strength will come through xxxx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Thanks Keeping busy,  anneliese, Turia and Mummy DIY Diva. I appreciate the support and it's always helpful to hear about your own experiences.

I feel incredibly sad about this amazingly good news, and it's hard. But it's probably the 'kick up the butt' we needed, to remind us that life is moving on around us, and we need to make decisions too, lest we be left behind.  There are some surreal positives, such as using this news as an example in our adult attachment style interviews.


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## Hopeful3429 (Oct 11, 2014)

Handstitchedmum, it is just so hard to deal with situations like this. I feel it with every baby announcement I hear and it hasn't got any easier. 

We have a new baby  in our close family and I cant even bare to hold him and on top of the heartache, DH thinks I am selfish for feeling like this.  As if!    

Its gotten that bad that when they are discussing absolutely anything to do with the baby I divert my attention and leave the room.


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## sandyman (Dec 2, 2014)

I just wanted to say your post really touched me - I'm welling up in my works staffroom. 
We found out at the end of last year my sister in law was pregnant, and when she told me, foe some reason it felt like part of me died...
I felt so guilty feeling the way I did, feeling such jealousy and almost hatred towards them for this, and it made me feel awful 

Its so nice knowing that I am not the only one to feel this way

I wish you all the best


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## JemJams (Sep 24, 2014)

Just found out yesterday that I'm also going to be an aunt as little sister is now pregnant without trying!!  I am ashamed to say that I didn't take it very well and cried pretty much all day. Such a mixture of emotion- feel so bad for feeling this upset as she has always been so supportive. My sil and best friend are also pregnant and I am the only one out of my friends and now family who is still childless. We have male and female factors and I'm currently testing out a range of drugs to try and get me to ovulate. Clomid has failed but seem to have ovulated with letrozol. Very slim chance of pregnancy though given we have significant male factor issues too. It all feels a bit pointless. We're due to start icsi in around 5 months- just when all of these babies start popping up!!! Seriously feels like my in fertility has increased everyone else's fertility!!!   so happy for everyone but so sad for myself.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Thank you for the kind comments and words of support. Xx

I started feeling a glimmer of excitement this weekend, which gives me hope that the next few months won't be as hard as the last few days.


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## K8O (Dec 21, 2009)

Hi

I'm glad you feel a bit brighter.  I have to say for me the pregnancy was the hardest part.  I now have 3 nephews and 1 niece.  We were the first of our siblings to get married and ttc but our 3 siblings all now have children.  I couldn't stand being around my SILs and saw them only a handful of times.  All of the announcements coincided with failed treatments or when we had got ourselves back to feeling strong enough for treatment.  But we got through it each time by taking a step back.  Now they are here I love them all truly but a part of me aches selfishly when I spend time with them.  But we do it.  And we love them unconditionally.  My niece is nearly 4 and she gives the best hugs.  She gets excited to see us and last weekend was jumping up and down shouting my name as I came down the stairs then jumped up with a massive tight love filled hug.  Amazing to have them as part of our lives.  It doesn't take away the sad part but we have learned to handle the situations and we do enjoy being with them.  I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up if you don't want to be around the situation and you will get through and find a way.  I found once the LO had arrived it was much easier to cope with.

Just remember to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

Kxx


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## butterfly_effect85 (May 24, 2015)

I feel all of your pain in the last few weeks both my sister and my best friend have told me they are pregnant with their second children (my sister by accident again) and I'm so so happy for them and excited to be an aunt again because I love my nephew to bits but I'm so jealous and feel like an awful person.
It couldn't have come at a worse time I've just started downregging and it's really not helped with my state of mind but I am trying to remain positive.
Luckily my sister and I are very close I was present at the birth of my nephew and will be there again when my new niece or nephew is born, sometimes it feels like I'm torturing myself but at the end of the day if this is going to be my only chance to be a part of a babies life I am going to grab it with both hands and love them with everything I can.


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## Teeinparis (Sep 15, 2013)

Hi, 

What I did with both our siblings pregnancies is I went out and went baby shopping.  It helped me heaps.  Shopping is therapeutic, Baby shopping is fun and you can find fun stuff.  

Just an idea.....

Tee


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