# Single, recently-ex bf is donor, 2ww



## saffronjewel (Mar 18, 2012)

Hi,
Im quite new to these boards & haven't read everybody's post.

I'm 44, no children. I'm 8dp3dt.

This is a bit of a hormone fueled rant, but I need somewhere to let this all out, & apologise in advance for all the self pity.

I had a few m/c about 10 years ago with the ex-husband, then life stuff happened. I thought I needed to find a partner to be with have a family & never considered doing IVF on my own.

My ex-bf, 43 (no children of his own), offered to be a donor about a year ago when we were still together, making it clear that he did't want to be a 'family' but he would stay involved & help financially. 
This is kind of one of the things that broke us up around Christmas time as I was both over joyed, but also hurt that he didn't want to do this as a couple. We had been together on & off for about 4 years. He had been a big support when my mother died a few years ago. As I have no family now what so ever, he was always there to support me. He had been my "family". Even though it was over, we still hung out together, were good friends & weren't seeing anyone else. And I always thought this would bring us closer again

I went through my 1st cycle in March 2012, but it turned out my Fallopian tube was blocked. And no, they didn't do a scan before starting the whole process. So that cycle was cancelled & I went to IUI, BFN.

So I had the Fallopian tube removed in April, & saved up to start again now, September 2012.
Since then he & I have been struggling to be friends. He started getting so angry. He's got his own difficult issues going on with a work cover claim.

Then I saw him on a dating site. Just as I'm going through this. It's breaking my heart. On top of all the stress of doing this alone, seeing him on there is just too much. He always said he'd be there for me, but he hasn't wanted to see me for about 4-5 weeks. I get a bit obsessive about it. He says on there he has been on so many dates recently. He has offered to fix my car , but I was so angry & hurt I said no, to spite him, but in the end I'm spiting myself as I do need his help at the moment.

When I went for egg collection, he said he'd pick me up from hospital but couldn't stay. I asked if I could stay at his place, as I needed to be with someone as I had to have a general. He said no!! That he was feeling sick. We had another huge fight. I got so upset, I organised a friend to pick me up. I came home from hospital & had to do everything alone. I had to tell the hospital I have no next of kin (as I took him off it) and no one to stay with me over night. They wanted to keep me in there to keep an eye on me, but I couldn't afford it.

It's been a really sad time. I also lost my job 2 months ago. There are other things too, but no need to go into all that. You'd stop reading ...  

So here I am, 8dp3dt. Just one little 4 celled fragmented egg and me. I can't stop crying, I've been having really bad cramping for about 4 days now & I don't know if it's the progesterone playing tricks or not. In some ways I wish I'd used an anonymous donor, as friends had suggested. He does txt or ring occasionally, not asking how I am, but to remind me to stay calm & positive!He lives nearby, & friends say they've seen him. I'm so annoyed with myself too. This shouldn't be about him. It should be about giving this little embryo every chance possible.

I want this chance at a baby, to be a family, so badly. I'm scared it might not work, given my age, & the tiny 4 celled little fragmented embryo. I feel guilty for being so upset in case my sadness effects the outcome. And angry that his behaviour has effected this process. & sad that he doesn't have the goodness in him to even drop round & give me a hand. I do have friends, but they are all a fair way away, & I'm so tired & fluffy headed at the moment, I don't feel like going anywhere. The last cycle & this one have put a lot of weight on, & I'm bloated & feel horrible. So I've stayed home, not seeing anyone. I was never like this before.

I never thought it would be like this. I thought I'd have a big loving family, with a partner and grandparents for the children. I know I can do this on my own, I'm just so disappointed, & lonely at the moment.

Sorry for the life story  it's probably the progesterone talking


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

blimey looks like you need some   

please dont worry about being upset affecting results as plenty of embies to well with upset going on and you dont need anything else to worry about.

Sounds like you need to distance yourself from you ex- if you have zero expectations at least you cant be dissapointed by him.

Fingers crossed you will get that postive result and you will have a really postive focus.

Progesterone is evil itself with what it does to your emotions.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Saffron,

I hope you don't mind me replying, but I read your heartfelt post and just couldn't not reply.  I am sure you will get some more responses from the wonderful single ladies on here soon enough.

I think now is the time to concentrate on yourself and get yourself through this stressful 2ww.  I think in hind sight that an anonymous donor would have been better, as reading from your post it seems that you still have strong feelings and want more from him.

I think to be fair to him, he has done his part.  You asked for a sperm donor and as far as he is aware he has done this.  However now you are realising that you want more.  Support, care?  Which wasn't perhaps in the original plan.

The fact that he has joined dating websites and is dating I presume means he has moved on and purely See's the relationship as nothing more then a business arrangement?

I might well be wrong, but maybe deep down you felt that having a baby of him would bring you back together as a couple?  

All I can say is that having a baby alone is never, ever a easy decision and I am sure that anyone that chooses this, never thought that this would be the path they would be on.  However life has twists and turns and can turn out differently to how we wanted.

Please be assured that whatever you are going through emotionally will not effect the outcome.

Take care

Stacey
X


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Saffron - I think Morrigan and Stacey have said it all but just want to say good for you for weathering the storm thus far.   Reading your post gives me a very clear picture of what your ex wants and I think, like Morrigan is saying, that it's time to build up the other stuff in your life - your inner strength (which you obviously have in spades), your other friendships and FF of course.  Need to put yourself first   this man is making his point very clear.  

It's hard when you lose your job too.  Take special care of you this 2WW, don't let anyone upset you, big roll of cotton wool for that.  It's a horrible time of limbo, but once you are through the other side make some plans to meet up with people or get out to a club, I mean knitting or reading or anything, even if it's just once a month.  Actively stop yourself thinking about this ex, if he pops into your mind say to yourself no and consciously give yourself something else to think about.  Give yourself a holiday from him.  

I feel very positive that through this time you will move forward and your priorities will shift.  Wishing you lots of       for your 2WW and some superpowers to see you through - Diesy


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Safrron - I haven't got time to do a proper post, but wanted to send you some      and     

Some1

xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

sending some   
I agree with the other replies to date - your ex has made his views/role quite clear so I think you need to try and accept that and move forwards (hard I know)
wishing you the very best of luck with the 2WW, 
Suitcase
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I know it is hard as you probably want more than a donor from him, but that is what he has agreed to be for you a donor, not a friend or 'uncle' 'father' figure do you have friends around who you could use for support/stay or do the things that you want him to do but he has not agreed to do, you don't really have a right to be angry at him, as he has selflessly given you an opportunity of being a mother, which you otherwise wouldn't have had.

It is an emotional time for you - not necessarily him.  Try and be positive for your own sake, enlist your girlfriends to help/come round and do the little things that make a difference.  Wishing you lots of luck the 2 ww is hard at the best of times, without giving yourself extra pressure.
XXXX


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Saffron it sounds to me as though he has completely moved on from your split and you haven't.

I think the staying in touch with him, the asking for help with your car, the lifts from hospital are all excuses to try keep contact and, therefore, keep him in your life. But the truth is the more you try and keep him in your life the more you are going to feel hurt by his actions. 

I understand what an emotionally taxing time this is for you.  

You say yourself that you are obsessive. For your own well being I think you need to stay away from this man, don't look at his profile on dating sites, don't look at his ******** movements. You're just torturing yourself, leave it be. 

If you get a positive then you need to think about yourself and the child and treat him as the 'sperm donor' he was only ever meant to be.

If it's a negative then I really think you should cut all contact and use a different donor the next time.

As you say, the crazy hormones don't help! Good luck with it all .


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## saffronjewel (Mar 18, 2012)

Thank you everyone. You are all quite right.
I'm embarrassed now after reading my pitiful post, That was a bad day. 

Yes, it was a lovely gift he gave me. & yes, he has been quite clear he has moved on. I need to let go, & started coming to terms with that fact.
Funny thing is, the night after posting that, he turned up, being very lovely, & stayed the night. I know it's nothing to pin any hopes on. He said he does care & has been going through very difficult times himself. I didn't mention all the dates. It was nice for that moment in time, & has relaxed me somewhat, but I know not to expect him to see him again for a while.

What you have all said is very true. I need to just focus on myself & the hopefully positive outcome, & ride out the hormone storm.

Btw, I got some spotting last night & still cramping , so fingers crossed that is a good sign.

Thanks again for your replies.


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Got my fingers crossed for you Saffron!  Glad you are okay, it's always difficult getting over an ex, my last was a complete peach.    Keep yourself straight and put you first!  Cramping is good, spotting is good


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Saffronjewel: You don't need to be embarrassed at all! You want a family as you don't have any and that is so understandable! How are you doing? I hope your dreams come true of being a mother.


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