# Moving on to adoption ???



## MrsG&lt;3MrG (Sep 22, 2012)

Hi all. My signature will give you an idea as to our background. 

My question is really for those who have moved on to adoption when did you know enough was enough with the fertility treatments? Is 3 times enough to say your tried your best? I'm so tired of it all physically and emotionally. It's putting a strain on our marriage. I feel I'm at a point in my life when I think given our history we are unlikely to have our own baby and don't want to waste any more time or money on treatments that won't work when we can adopt. I was already halfway there before the 3rd cycle but that just confirmed it for me - I also had a traumatic experience at egg collection when the sedation didn't work so I really don't fancy going through that again!  

However I do occasionally think what if and am I giving up too soon? Does that mean I'm not ready to move on? I also have the added pressure of family members saying we can't quit now and need to try again when my heads back in the game. 

Although dh won't talk about it properly yet he has said he'd want to try ivf again but I wonder if that's because he's not ready to accept it (the drs say the poor/no fertilisation is a sperm quality issue so his male pride has taken a battering!)

For those of you that have been through adoption how have you found the process and are there any key bits of information you could give me? Also how do I approach this with dh without making him feel like a failure? 

Thank you for your help 
MrsG xx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Hello MrsG, I've moved your post to the Adoption board, where you will get more replies.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Mrs G

This recent thread was really supportive and interesting - so I thought.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=332563.0

Very similar questions and worries.

It's difficult. I guess I wasn't sure that I could ever be sure, but I was definitely ready to take the leap of faith and start the adoption process.

I still feel sad about our infertility upon occasion and that I didn't get chance to give birth to a living baby, or breastfeed etc. But I'm so proud of my adopted little ones I wouldn't swap them for anything in the world.

Sending love and hugs, it's not easy 
GG xxxxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

P. S. I posted this when we were just deciding and I found it really helped me.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=306616.0

As for your DH, would he be willing to go along to an information evening or similar? After meeting and speaking to SW I felt so positive, we were other way around, my DH was keen before me.

HTH
xxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi Mrs G,
We decided before we started any Ivf that we would set ourselves a maximum of 3 attempts. We both decided we didn't want to be a couple who didn't know when to stop and kept taunting ourselves but what if next times etc. that decision was the best thing we did. We'd already made it when we were clear headed and not emotional about it so when we were coming up to our 3rd attempt I think we were both realistic about our chances and already looking to adoption. 
Ours started out as looking like a fertility issue with me but then when we started Ivf male fertility was biggest issue so in that respect we both kind of accepted it was neither one of us but probably a combination of both which helped enormously.
We had our last Ivf cycle oct 2013 and it seems a lifetime ago now. Adoption for us has been a very easy journey with some stresses along the way but that's life. 
We now have an absolutely incredible, amazing, beautiful, gorgeous 8 month baby boy asleep upstairs in his cot who has been with us since just before Christmas. I can not imagine our life without him. For me if does not matter in the slightest that I did not give birth to him, I could not love him anymore even if I had. 
Adoption has given us our lives back but most importantly it's given us an exciting wonderful future to look forward to.


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## misskitten (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi Mrs G
I remember spending several months going back and forth in my head trying to decide whether to go ahead with another TX or to move on to adoption. It is not an easy decision to make so try to give yourself a bit of time. I understand the urge to move on one way or the other as quickly as possible, but it is hard to make an important decision when you've only just had a TX and the emotions are fresh. 

I agree with becs and feel that it is sensible in this journey to have a plan, a limit on TXs because you could spend a lot of time and finances down that road, not to mention emotional exhaustion, and harm to relationships. There is no way to know if TX might work on a 4th 5th or 10th attempt or never and that is the cruelty of IF. 

If you decide enough is enough, it is not giving up, it can feel positive to take control of your life again. Your relatives may mean well, but might not realise the impact of repeated TXs and the low chances of success. 

When I had made a decision to move on from TX and made my first call to the adoption agency, the sense of relief was wonderful! I felt optimistic for the first time in years! 

Re your husband, I told mine how I honestly felt about the TX and that I didn't feel able to go through it all again and he was able to see that it wasn't about him failing. Give him time too (men seem to be a step behind us a lot of the time!).

With the adoption process, just be aware that they will prod and poke at your emotions around IF and will want to be satisfied that you are both committed to the decision to adopt. This doesn' t mean you can't be sad about not having your own child but I think they want to know that you have both accepted the situation. 

They might also explore with you that you are still quite young. It was an easier decision for me in some ways because of my age and the decreased chances of a successful TX. Whatever you decide you will need at least a few months to rest and reflect, so be kind to yourself!

Good luck  
MissK x


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

Hello,

My DH and I set ourselves a limit at the start of our IVF journey. We said 3 attempts and then we walk away. Our IVF journey was a long and exhausting one. It took so much out of me physically and emotionally. In total we lost 3 Angels early on in pregnancy!

We always said adoption was on our agenda. Even if IVF had worked we would still have adopted. The adoption journey has also been draining and exhausting (at times) but when I look at my beautiful little daughter it was all worth it. She's been home 12 weeks now and I honestly wouldn't swap her for the world!
I'm in love!

I hope you and your DH find peace in making your decision x x


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## Bluebell261 (Jan 31, 2010)

Hi Mrs G, 

I'm sorry for your losses and that you find yourself here like so many of us. 

Reading your post, you sound to me like in your heart you have already decided to move on from treatment " I'm so tired of it all physically and emotionally. It's putting a strain on our marriage. I feel I'm at a point in my life when I think given our history we are unlikely to have our own baby "

Give yourself and DH some time, we took a year out to find ourselves as a couple again, we had lots of nice holidays/ weekends away / time at home etc and gradually we both agreed adoption is the route for us now. I'm not saying that I don't wish our treatments hadn't worked, but like you describe I was worn out/ tired / felt like I'd had enough. 

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the very best Xx


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## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

Hi.....

First off I'm so sorry to hear of you horror story....ivf, egg collection, transfer is a horror without any complications. 
The answer to your question is one you can only answer but all of us shedding light on it may help.

As you can see by my signature we are quite young to be going through adoption, but we now have two beautiful yet snotty and grumpy from teething upstairs asleep....just haha.....
We had a fresh cycle and a frozen before we knew that adoption was for us. However we had always kept it in our minds as it has always been something I wanted to do anyways. We were getting ready for a new cycle of ivf when we were wondering around ikea. There were lots of childern running round the kids section looking at toys and beds. We went for coffee and I said to dh that if we do another ivf and it doesn't work we have at least another year without any childen in our life.....in reality We wanted childern we didn't care that they hadn't been,add by us we wanted a family to love and share all the amazing times together......hubby then said he didn't want to do another ivf because of what it did to me how he felt during it and couldn't take another knock bk.....however I didn't no this until I mentioned by concerns and worries......the next day we knew it right and made the phone call.....I will just say tho during the process I still panicked was it right were we making the right choice.....but I think I would have felt like that if I was pregnant that's normal. 

I honestly wouldn't change it for the world don't get me wrong it's hard....really hard tiring full on harder than any job I've ever had but I wouldn't change it for the world because when I hear mummy and I love you or the eldest does something new that I've taught it its just the best.....

Good luck xxxxxxx


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## Darcy2012 (Jul 16, 2014)

Hi
Am sorry to read what you have been through, fertility issues / treatments are so tough physically, emotionally, mentally! After undergoing all the tests and procedures, fertility drugs etc my husband and I were offered IVF but ultimately didnt pursue it, just couldn't face the treatment and we decided on adoption.
We had discussed adoption from early on and I always thought it was something I would do. We took some time out first, had a long holiday and enjoyed being a couple again for a little while.

When we made that first adoption telephone call I knew immediately it was right for us, our LA are great. It is emotional and you have to be prepared to lay everything out there but I must say I have actually enjoyed a lot of it and its been quite cathartic! My husband and I were approved last week so are now waiting to be matched. 

Good luck with whatever you decide.


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## MrsG&lt;3MrG (Sep 22, 2012)

Hello everyone thank you for all your replies you've all been very helpful. Although I'm sorry for what you've all had to go through to get where you are I'm glad I know from your experiences I can make peace with my decision without feeling bad or guilty about it. 

I always had 3 cycles in my mind as the limit but even after the 2nd I think I was ready move on It was more curiosity to see what a different clinic/protocol would do that made me go again - it took me almost a year to pluck up the courage to actually go through with it! After the embryologist rang to tell us about the 0 fertilisation I didn't even cry. I just felt like a weight had been lifted as I thought that was the end. 

I have always wanted to adopt anyway after seeing my aunt and uncle adopt my cousin. I just always thought I'd have my own first. That was the plan. Have my own then adopt one. Life doesn't always work out how you plan it though! 

Although I'm going to give it some time before actually applying - we've got a holiday booked in June so we will go on that first - I'm going to ring round a few local agencies next week and get some info packs and dh has at least agreed to go to an open evening with me.  He has said he can't make a decision either way yet so I suppose I'll just give him time and hopefully the info I can collate will help. 

Thank you all again for your help and advice I really appreciate it. Good luck to everyone still waiting on one step or another and congratulations to those who's little ones are now home xxx


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