# Don't know if i did the right thing :(



## Raincloudsandlovesongs (Oct 5, 2013)

Recently ended a surrogacy agreement with a family friend and i don't know if i did the right thing, it was uncompensated so at least i have not let her down financially as well as emotionally. The main reasons i stopped was the whole thing being kept under secrecy, she wanted to pretend our TS journey was GS, and tell many people she'd carried the child. No one was allowed to know about the surrogacy. She also several times talked me out of legal and medical advice telling me about the huge cost or what doctors 'would say'. Another reason was her general behavior towards me very critical, described me a just an incubator, very judgmental and nit picky about how i raised my own child and was planning to order fertility drugs online with no regard for my health or well being. There were other reasons to including alot of lies on her part. Despite all this i do feel terrible she begged me not to let her down on this, but i couldn't take being belittled all the time. Has anyone else backed out of a surrogacy agreement, and if you how did your IP's take it and how did you handle the guilt.


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## Oli (Oct 10, 2003)

Hi,


You sound very upset and I can understand why.  I cannot comment from experience but from an indended parent's point of view, then certainly I understand why you have decided to end your agreement.


I would hope to build a friendship based on respect and trust and this seems to have been missing. You were offering this lady a wonderful gift but you had to feel 100% comfortable and it seems to me that perhaps your IP was not comfortable with surrogacy herself.  Perhaps she was just so anxious about everything but still, I think you have made the right decision before you got pregnant, hard as it is for you both.


If you decide to go down this road again, I wish you luck in finding a match which will suit you better, you are offering something truly lovely.


Sorry I can't be of any real help but sending support anyway.


Oli


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## tina11 (Nov 29, 2012)

Rain- its an amazing thing you were doing for her, but her treating you like that is unexceptanle. You were doing her a favour. She has no rights to tell you how to raise your kids. 
I bet you are one of those really lovely people who find it difficult you say no. ( I am like that sometimes too)

She doesnt sound very nice to me, don't let her make you change uou r mind. 

As oli said there has to be respect. If you are going to do this do it for someone who deserves it.

Xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I had a friend who offered to carry my eggs then withdrew when I had arranged all the counselling and uk clinic appts and i had mine already as she then said as things went into action she and her DH had a rethink. I think it is much harder than surrogates and ips who are matched and develop a friendship on different grounds all knowing about the surrogacy journey from the start as opposed to sympathy for a friend and wanting to help/rescue without both parties really thinking the short and long term  implications through for both parties and the child's.
From reading your message it is obvious that your relationship wasn't mutually respective and probably best it is off for both of your sakes. 

You have probably both lost your friendship forever. I avoided the lady who offered for 3yrs she lived in Ireland  as I knew she was embarrassed despite me saying it was ok- but hurting inside- and how do you not address the subject, how can she talk and share her desperation to be a mum with you now, as you would with a close friend without it being awkward for both of you, she won't raise it as she prob won't want to make you feel bad for changing your mind, you won't able to support her as another friend as in her eyes you were her solution and answer to her prayers.

I guess it is a case of both parties not  exploring everything fully having all the cards on the table with your and her expectations ie you insisting on legal and medical input, drawing up an agreement, legal input, a professional org like COTS support before agreeing to to proceed.
I hope all ends well for both of you


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## Susieque44 (Jun 14, 2011)

You haven't done the wrong thing, all arrangements must be right for both parties and if your not comfortable then its not the right arrangement.

I looked into surrogacy 3 years ago with my sister in law but l decided that at the time it wasn't the right situation for me and we decided not to go forward. Im am now having my egg collection on Monday and a good friend is my surrogate. We have spent over a year going though everything and discussing what she and l are comfortable with so we both feel completely happy. I trust her and she has been a wonderful support in the run up to egg collection. 

Don't feel bad any potential IP's have to completely respect the surrogates views and if you can't reach a conclusion best to back out now than be in a damaging situation 

xxxxxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I'm not trying to be nasty but seriously raincloudsandlovesongs, that's rather an important detail for you to have omitted. I hope for all of your sakes that it's a negative because if it's positive that's an entirely different issue. 
Quite frankly if you are at a point of waiting to test then I really don't think you can say you have ended the agreement yet. Be very careful and check where you stand legally if it is a positive result.


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## Janey waney (Sep 3, 2013)

You did the rite thing. Before u actually started insems and gettin pregnant even . U can't go ahead with the arrangement out of pity for her. It's sad but I don't think she's thought it all thru properly and if she decides to get another another surrogate I think she wud be surprised if she didn't do the same thing u have . If u still wanting to be a surrogate then gd luck to u and make sure I have a better match next time I'm talkin from experience I'm on my 5th surrogate journey and my second Ips were nice to start with then changed once I was pregnant and it didn't end nicely  so be careful.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I think they had done insems from her previous post http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=530.0


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