# How do you decide?



## Sweetnats (Jun 8, 2011)

Ok I understand no one can answer this but me but just wanted to throw it out there.

I am now 44. Husband 45. He has two kids from a previous marriage who are now 18 and 16. From a very young age all i wanted was to be a mum but good old nature took hold and here i am at 44 with 9 transfers under my belt and no baby

We have had three fresh cycles, and six frozen. Used my own eggs and used donor eggs. I have now also had 6 miscarriages at a very early stage.

Before our last attempt we decided we had enough and went into surrogacy. Whilst i have met some amazing ladies and know many happy endings. Ours didn't work out that way and put my husband off for life. 

We then had our last treatment using a donor egg and that hasn't worked. Didn't even get pregnant. When you are having treatment, the money becomes a number. But after 4/5 years and nothing at the end of it. I do regret spending the approximately £20000 or more on what seems to be a wasted time.

I have now enquired about adoption as this now seems our only option but have to wait 6 months before we can do anything due to the ivf treatment.  Whilst i think adoption is an amazing thing and something i would definitely like to do. I am so so sad that when i go in to asda and see baby clothes, i know this is something i will never experience, I have spent years picking names for my children, choosing prams, even at one point had a scrap book of how their nursery would look. Now i know i will have none of this.

Seeing how devastated i am my husband has says he wont rule out surrogacy but he wants to look into adoption first. He is amazing and supports me so much. He is my rock.

For me though i am so torn. I feel we could have done and had so much more with the money we have spent, and the thought of spending more money on this is what i think is stopping me. We are currently renting and have almost put our life on hold for so long. We want our own house and we want to not have to think about treatment for a while. To live our lives. But that need in me to be a mum and experience raising a baby and smelling their skin, and seeing their first milestones is breaking my heart inside.

He says he will do whatever it takes for me to be a mum, but we dont have the money right now and we also dont have time on our sides... so what do we do

Do we wait 6 months, then go through the adoption process for a couple of years and get a young child, or do we spend more money we dont have and look into surrogacy again?

Sorry ladies feel better now i have said it out aloud even if it may seem a little garbled!


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## do dreams come true (Oct 15, 2013)

hi i felt exactly the same as you after our last failed IVF 14 years of infertility kinda takes over your life.
We had the option to either try again or adoption, but like you advised to wait a whole 12 months. I thought 12 month i just want to be a mammy now god i've already waited and waited through IVF and fitting in with monthly cycles.

At that point i couldn't understand why we should wait anymore that i was ready to move onto adoption.

That was two years ago and looking back now i can now see that i wasn't ready at all. I needed that time away from all the trying to conceive to grieve for the baby that never was, to find me again and most of all to spend time with DF to be a couple again and enjoy each other. Also to enjoy life for what it was and do things i use to love doing before all the IVF, because you kinda get lost in it all and separate yourself from everyone. Peoples lives move on but you are in limbo  waiting and trying to be a mummy.

The time gives you a chance to think things through and come to terms with never being a birth mam and to decide if adoption is the right route to go down.

I won't say i've gotten over the fact but it gets easier and know i am meant to be a mummy just in a different route than i expected.

We took the adoption route and i dont think i could of gotten through all it involves without the wait after IVF. We are now waiting to go to approval panel in April.
Anyway i just thought i'd tell you a bit about my journey and that the break worked for me and if you chose to do so i hope will for you.
Good luck with whatever you decide


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## Sweetnats (Jun 8, 2011)

Thanks dream. 

What a roller coaster we go on eh?! 
I know what you mean about just wanting things now. I just feel time is slipping away. I never wanted to be an old mum but circumstance has left it that way 

We were going to have some time out to have some fun and be us for a bit but just heard hubby's dad is really ill. So now have the stress of that. We will get through the next few months dealing with that I think and then maybe look at where we are. 

If I'm honest. Whilst hubby has finally said he wouldn't rule surrogacy out. For me choosing that route is just selfish. As its not what he wants. 

So it will be adoption or nothing. My clinic has suggested another go with donor eggs again. But haven't changed the protocol so can't see what that would do? If it didn't work the last 9 times why would it now? Just a waste of money again 

Good luck with your adoption process. Has it been easy? Do they give you any idea on if you have a good chance of being approved etc ? We have good jobs me and hubby. A nice house and great family. But he is scared we won't get accepted bless him 

Can you choose the age group you would prefer? I know I will not be able to have a baby but would like as young as I could  if possible. Then when I have done the young mum thing I would then like to adopt or foster again.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi sweetnats,
We took the decision not to carry on with ivf after our 3rd failed attempt last year. We had already talked about adopting so for us if was a natural progression. We contacted a couple of local agencies and our nearest agency seemed our favourite. They have no set rules on how long from stopping ivf to starting adoption but they will have an informal interview with you to see if they think you're ready. For me I was absolutely ready, I already knew before we even started our third attempt it wouldn't be successful and it was just a box ticking exercise as we'd always said we would give it 3 attempts. Initially I was like you feeling devastated at the things we wouldn't have, the positive test, first scan, feeling the baby kick, giving birth, choosing names then I looked at all the things we still could have through adoption. We can still have a baby (appx 6-10 months), so we still have the nursery, the bonding whilst feeding all be it not breast feeding, we still get first words, first steps and then everything else through being a family. I'm quite a pragmatic person and said to myself if someone had given me the choice 7 years ago when we started all this saying this is your choice you either give up the positive test pregnancy bit and instead you can have all the other stuff and be a family there was no decision to make. Those first bits are magical moments in life but they are just that, moments. Being a family for me is about the forever and if I get that through adoption I'm ok about letting go of those moments.
We've just started the adoption process and are hoping to get to approval panel by September, the new process is 6 months. I feel like the black heavy cloud that gas hung over me for 7 years has gone. I'm so positive about our future, planning our lives again, thinking about a nursery etc and I am now happy for those around me having babies, I can share their joy because I am no longer jealous, I'm excited that we will soon be our own family and I'm enjoying the journey of all that coming together.


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## do dreams come true (Oct 15, 2013)

hi 
sorry to here that hope he gets better  

we first applied October 2013 and are at Panel 10th April 2014 so roughly 6/7 month.
We have had no distractions along the way and everything seems to of ran smoothly, however i won't say its been easy. Having your whole life looked at and pulled apart is so draining and stressful. But i do think it has to be this way for the sw to be able to write a good report, after all its your selling point to be approved  . I can't believe we are here at this point after everything we've been through. Fingers crossed we are approved.
We have asked for a little girl under 3 so yes you can say what you would like.

Good luck with everything xxx


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi


We went through 2 icsi both unfortunately  lead to miscarriage. After investigation it turns out I may have had a number of natural pregnancies which lead to miscarriage also. We were told that we could try again but there was such a high risk of miscarriage that we decided that emotionally and financially that was not the right road for us. We would have to use savings to pay out £3,500 per icsi and the way we looked at it this money could be used to help bring up our new child. It was a dis ion we had made after the first cycle. We said from the start that we would give it two attempts then adoption was our way forward. After two years on the adoption road we have a beautiful son. He is the apple of our eyes and to everyone he is OUR son, always has been always will be. I won't say the journey has been easy and we may still have challenges ahead, but he is worth it.
We are now considering getting back in the adoption train and adopt number two next year.  


I will never regret not going through Ivf again. I know that it May have lead to a baby but more than Likely just more drugs, money issues, stress and upset. Looking now at our son I am so glad we decided to go through adoption he is perfect. (When he is being good that is) ha ha 


I wish you well in which ever journey you decide xxx


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## Roygbiv (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi. 
Have you had your immune sand everything tested? 
I REALLY don't want this to come out insensitive, but 6 miscarriages is a few too many to be "bad luck". 
In so many people it has made all the difference. 
May be something to think about.
And just doing the testing won't be actual treatment, so I'm sure your 6 month wait won't have to start again. 
If something IS found to be wrong then you two will have to decide whether to fix/treat them issues and perhaps cycle again. 
And of nothing is found you'll be closer down the road towards adoption time wise. And know that cycling may not give a good outcome.


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## Sweetnats (Jun 8, 2011)

Thank you all so much for your replies and insight. 

We have spent a long time discussing and we have made a decision. And one I am so excited about. We have stopped with the fertility. Whilst I don't mind doing it. It is just so long and endless. We have now had 9 journeys and it has cost a LOT of Money

I just glad we know its finished for us. We have an appointment to go to an information evening with our local authority  and I have also spoke to another authority in the next county and they are so lovely and positive. What with all the shows on tv at the moment I am even more excited. I know that there are so many children waiting for forever home and after watching the shows I know its no longer a 2 year process.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Good luck. I adopted a little boy, 22 months, at 44, the best thing I have ever done. We went through the process before it was shortened and it took 18 months from first phone call to bringing lo home so should hopefully be much quicker now. There are many more babies, around 9 months, then was the case previously and I don't think your age should be a problem.


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi just wanted to add my little bit....I recognise that waiting seems tough but it really isnt. It goes faster than you think. We started process December last year and kids moved in in October. Two kids under four, a boy and a girl which is exactly what we specified! We knew we could keep going with ivf but why when its such a sad thing to go through when all we did was loose. Yes adoption is hard at times but no harder than general parenting and the rewards are amazing. I couldnt love my kids anymore than I do....and I wanted to congratulate you on your decision and wish you luck on your amazing journey! Xxx


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## bubblehead (Jan 29, 2009)

Sweetnats I wanted to wish you the very best with your journey and having made that decision is the first step. It's lovely to read the other heartwarming stories of adoption here. So many little ones that didn't get the best start in life now get the parents that will change their lives.


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## KiddyKat (Jan 25, 2013)

My DH and I came to the decision to not go down IVF route this year. Although we'd gone through all the tests and a monitoring cycle, I just couldn't go any further. 

I do wobble from time to time thinking about the old saying leave no stone unturned and whether if we did a cycle we may be one of the lucky ones. But I hope the decision not to proceed is the right one.

We've talked about adoption before and have always considered it but right now, I feel I want to grieve for the loss of what might have been and live in the now. Adoption decision can wait for a bit longer.


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## Sweetnats (Jun 8, 2011)

Hi kiddy

So sorry to hear of the crap time you are having. Infertility is a silent torture. There is no help or councelling. You just have to deal with it. Mine is always there but I bury it. And I just get on with things. Apart from not being to have a child my life is great and I have an amazing supportive husband who will do whatever he can to ensure I am happy and loved. He even started surrogacy which was against everything he believed. So instead of being upset for what I don't have I try and be positive abouts what I DO have. It's not always easy. But if I get low I just remind myself. 
If I am honest we spent 5 years on the ivf route. 9 cycles I think it was in the end (most of them frozen) and even donor route. And the amount of money we spent was horrific. But if I knew then what I know now about adoption. I probably would have stopped a long time ago. 

We have been to an info evening for our local agency and it was fantastic. From start to end now the process can be 6 months! I was always told it was a 2 year process and as we didn't have time on our side wanted to try other things first. 

Now I can't wait to get started. We are currently moving so are just waiting until all building works are completed before we start so we can fully concentrate on it. But I know with a 6 months process. One day I should be a mum. 

Good luck with your future choices but like you say remember to take the time you need to grieve x.


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## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

Hi

Not sure if you remember me but for some reason I ended up reading this post and I just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world, you have always been such a positive person and willing to help / encourage everyone else that crossed your path. You will be a fantastic mum and it's lovely to know that there is one very lucky child out there just waiting to come home to you as their forever mummy. 

Love and luck. 

Jules xx


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## Sweetnats (Jun 8, 2011)

Aw jules that was such a lovely post thank you so much. Of course I remember you. Although I cannot believe your twins were born in 2012!!!!! And you ar 35 weeks pregnant again. That's amazing news!!! Congratulations hun. 
I don't really come on much any more but love seeing the ending to some amazing stories


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