# Frightened / Scared / Confusing...only just starting the adoption process!



## redpepper (Feb 23, 2005)

Hi All

Hope you don't mind me "sounding off" here.  After being together with my hubbie for 8 years and having tried naturally to conceive a child we had now taken the steps of adopting.  We've had the initial home visit and are awaiting police checks and then the home study and prep course.  After the initial feelings of excitement about being parents I'm suddenly filled with dread, fear and confusion.  

I've started to read books on adoption and whilst I've been open to the fact from the beginning adoption isn't going to be easy and parenting an adopted child is gonna be difficult, the books I've been reading have really scared me as to the impact the child is going to have on our lives.  All the books seem to be filled with stories about the difficulties adopters have had in bringing up their adopted children.  It's almost as if we are gonna be given a child that is so damaged that it is going to bring a negative effect on our lives and not a positive one.  Has anyone else had these feelings?  I'm not saying I don't want to adopt but when all your read is about the problems that have occurred adopting children it's almost as though you are taking a major risk in deciding to adopt.  I understand the books want to make you informed but they are highly imbalanced towards the negatives rather than the positives of adoption. 

Does anyone have any advice they could give me?  I don't know whether I am just finding it overwhelming at the moment and I'm a natural worrier anyway which doesn't help.


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi redpepper and welcome!  

Firstly can I say, I am a complete worrier too, and sometimes have made myself ill with worry, so you're not on your own there!
And secondly I can honestly say that books about adoption before we started were less than helpful. I found them to be very negative and overwhelming.

I think at the start of this process, we are all naive to the facts of adoption. But we all are so desperate for the journey to be a positive, that all we find is the negatives.
I understand that these books and (other) adoption websites are there to warn us about the possibles nasty stories that could occur.
I have never found these to be helpful and to this day, avoid them! I tend to seek all advice and support from this web forum. And I can't knock it at all, so you've come to the right place!!

It is completely natural to have the anxiety and panic over becoming a parent. I don't think this is solely to do with becoming adoptive parents either.
I remember before our DD came, even though we'd planned and tried for a family for 5 years previous, the realisation that it was actually happening knocked we down completely. All of a sudden, I "didn't feel ready" !!
Obviously I got over that initial wobble and threw myself into it. 

I've found that some people think of adoption as a vocation, as a job that we must be so strong to carry out, that we must be put on these pedestals for saving a child from the grips of SS !   
BALLS! to that!! 
Adoption for me, is simply an avenue we took to make us a family.
The day our DD came home, we became that family we have always dreamed of. And now waiting for our new arrival, is just the same as any other family feeling the nerves and excitement of a new addition!

There are so many positive stories out there, and alot of this forum, that you must've allow the negatives to pull you down.


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello RedPepper, and welcome.

The girls here are lovely, so welcoming and so reassuring! I am sure some of the adopters here will be able to tell you lots of positives about adopting.

I know exactly how you are feeling. DH and I first applied a year ago, we had a long wait for our preparation course which we have just completed this week, and in that year of waiting I bought some books and I quite agree that lots of them seem very negative and downright scary!! I bought several because I kept hoping that the next book I bought would be more encouraging!   

It is a scary thing, but I am starting to think that there is an element that the happy ending stories don't make such interesting books! And a lot of these books are also used by Social workers who obviously would be interested in difficult cases as well as straightforward ones.

Socail workers also seem to throw the worst case scenarios at you because I think maybe they want to see how commited you are......the negative cases do happen to some people I guess, and they need to make people aware of that or they wuldn't be preparing us adequately.

Having said that, just from reading these boards it seems many many cases are positive and happy! Many of the girls on here included, and whenever I feel scared about it i take a peep at these boards, especially the "adoptive parents general chat" threads (sorry girls!  ).....in there I find normal people and normal families who love their children and have normal lives! What a relief, and soooooo lovely to see!  

Sorry to waffle on and on, I don't knonw if I've made any sense but I can completely relate to how you are feeling. You are not alone!

Take care

E x


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## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Hi Redpepper,

The other girls have put it so well but I just wanted to send you a big hug   and to say don't worry - I know I have felt completely overwhelmed and scared by the whole process at times! And it's true that the books etc do ten to focus on worse case scenarios   But for every 'bad' tale of adoption there are a dozen good ones so don't be too put off - take it all with a (large) pinch of salt and tell yourself that it's about preparing for the worst and hoping for the best! 

This site is fantastic and a great source of support (there's also a thread called 'adoption virgins' for those of us either just starting out or going through homestudy which I use quite a lot so please feel free to join us - you're not alone on this journey   )

Lots of love
Sarah
xxx


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Red Pepper, 
DH and I were placed with two children 'Charlie' now 4 1/2 and his Sister 'Lola' now 22 months 5 months ago, we have jsut had our court date through to formalise the adoption and we really couldn't be happier, I really would describe it as a total joy 90% of the time and the other 10% well, every parent (more or less) has to deal with tantrums, teething, being grouchy because they are (or you   are) feeling under the weather and sometimes feeling kile you just don't have enough time or hands!
I do think that one really important factor is the match with the child and whilst we were very fortunate in not having to do so several of the girls on her have turned down a match because it doesn't feel right...however when it happens....it's magic!
All the best with the process and do post anytime!
Viva
X


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## redpepper (Feb 23, 2005)

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words.  We've been told that our home study should be around May - June time so I've plenty of time to join in the boards here.  I think what's so encouraging about these boards is that there is always someone in the same boat as you and that you are talking to "real" people rather than reading stories in a book.  

You've all made me feel a lot more positive about the process.  Good luck to everyone out there.  I'm just popping over to the Adoption Virgins board to join in.


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## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Redpepper - so glad you're feeling better honey  ! Look forward to seeing you on the 'virgins' thread!  

Lots of love
Sarah
xxx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Redpepper

Welcome  

I like other have read lots of books and gone on other adoption website however didnt like it as it was way too neg- its like any thing is life the negitive things get talked about more then the positive.

I have just had the "wobbles" as we have been matched to 2 children (matching panel on 28th march) however these are totally "normal" - we also got told the worst case stories during prep however this is just to show how you cope should the worst be the case in your match - you get to say what things you can handle/cope with and get to talk it through to why you dont think you can deal with certain issues a child may have(we had some about certain types of abuse due to having lots of nieces/nephew around us alot) 

 

M J
xxx


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## Freddie2 (Feb 1, 2007)

hi Redpepper,

I know exactly how you feel - some of the books you read can we very scarey and parts of the Prep course can be too. But don\t let that put you off - there are some v positive stories out there too.  Have you tried reading the Nikki Campbell book - that's a really positive and moving one on adoption.  I also thought the Adoption Diary (BAFF book by Maria James I think) was a very honest read and also reasonably positive.

We adopted a 5 month old little girl a few months ago.  We found the whole adoption process fine - actually it was a pretty positive experience.  And although it's early days things are going brilliantly with our little one.  We love her to bits and feel like she was meant for us.  Who knows, we may face issues in the future, just the same as we could have had issues with any birth child.  But once you find the right match those worries seem less significant as you just love them to bits and would do anything for them.

Also don't forget that during the Home Study you will spend a lot of time thinking abt and exploring what you can and can't cope with, it's important that you're very honest about that, and hopefully that will mean that you will get the right match for you. Our social worker got to know and understand us really well.  I really trusted her judgment and she definitely found us a perfect match.

Best of luck with everything
Fxx


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