# Motherhood dare on evil social media



## gailgegirl (Aug 20, 2011)

Soooooooooo I'm humbly sorry for the epic rant, Im proud survivor of moving on from treatments, from miscarriage & from infertility. I picked up my somewhat wrecked but still beating heart and headed out of the IVF world to pastures new. Well they weren't very new just the same green happy bits that had a good bit of my dewy tears on them. Anyway I'm very happy to report a year in and it's going okay. I still have moments of extreme sorrow that our 7 children did not live and I consider myself a mum none the less. I lost our first baby at 11 weeks I actually passed this tiny baby at home but yet I'm not a mother or so it seems to my supposedly best friend whom has read my blogs & seen my tears and knows our journey. I really really have a love hate relationship with social media, it let's me see my family abroad & keep in touch with old friends but my bff here just posted a motherhood dare & of course I can't be included what would my photo be, the dead scanned images of my missing kids, of course I can't be tagged because I'm not a brilliant 'real' mother, of course I can't...like the club just hired a bouncer on the social media door he looked at my id & not only did he say your too ugly to join he kicked me up the backside while laughing in my face! On this particular dare social media one & gailgegirl zero!!!

Now this is just my pain on a page it's not a dig at mummy's I have amazing lovely & thoughtful  mummy friends, but this friend KNOWS and I'm so dissapointed. I still believe I'm a mum & I'm a frigging great auntie & I love babies and I'm awesome at being genuinely happy for others when there pregnancies go well but yet I'm still living on the outskirts and sometimes it hurts. Today it hurts, it hurts like a big dumper truck of hurt just dropped on my head. I'll take the high road as usual & get over it, I have a choice I can always leave social media or unfollow this friend but at the moment I'm just wallowing in self indulgent pity and a little bit if me wants to punch the computer screen or get drunk!


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

I cannot stand these nominations. It's hardly a challenge or a dare, either! My friend was tagged in one and she posted a lovely response which went something like: "I've been nominated by X and I thank you for thinking I'm a good mum, however I have many friends who are struggling or who have experienced loss and besides, I am always posting pictures of my daughter! So here are five pictures of who I am when I'm NOT being mum". It was so lovely.

Your friend probably didn't think. I know it hurts so so badly but I think when people do stuff like this most don't really stop to think about others. I'm lucky enough to be 22 weeks pregnant (and still not taking it for granted) and although infertility and loss has been the roughest thing I've gone through, I am thankful for the fact that it has made me more sensitive. I don't put scan pics in front of people without them asking (as I remember how much that hurt), if I am meeting a friend who I know has experienced loss and still not got her rainbow I wear something that disguises the bump (as I remember how much that hurt) and I don't talk about my pregnancy unless people ask me (as I remember how much that hurt, plus I'm very private). 

I hope you're ok. The only solution I can think of is to hide the post and perhaps message your best friend to let them know how you feel. A good friend will understand. Xxx


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## Orchid-1 (Nov 5, 2014)

Gailegirl - you are right about not feeding into the drama and ignoring it. 

I remember your posts from when I was at Serum. You have helped a lot of people, I hope you know that, with your cheerful bubblyness.    

People can be pretty self-absorbed and say hurtful things without realising. 

x


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## gailgegirl (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you Violeta & Orchid for showing kindness to me, I was struggling with my grief at the time I posted. Even though our journeys are different I appreciate your words, this space has always felt in the past like a safe place to unload my real world problems. I haven't thankfully had to do that in a long while. My best friend was pregnant at the same time as I and had a child, it's a trigger to memories, we have over twenty years of shared stuff & I do care for her and outside of my grief I genuinely delight that her dream was realised. Her post coincided with an anniversary of loss for me and a meeting with her, she left annoyed that I couldn't make her daughter's party despite my sorrowful explanation. So I felt her post was retaliation,  as it hurt me where it would the most.  I needed to put that hurt somewhere, here seemed the safest place to come so I wouldn't hurt my friend by being real. You are right sometimes people, family & friends don't comprehend they have hurt you but sometimes they do. I won't ever acknowledge that to her, the wound is to painful to open right now & I'm slightly weakened by life. 

Moving on is a unique journey and I know I'm taking steps forward and steps back, this was a massive step back for me. I'm trying to learn from this and acknowledge those feelings and that I can't and don't have to be fine or happy all of the time & that it's okay to be hurt by my best friend. That my best friend may have meant to hurt me but that is her unresolved issues & maybe she was struggling too. She lost her mum before her child was born & I didn't think maybe she wants & needs me there, I didn't think that until today.  I know too, that grief can at times sneak up on you like the skilled thief it is and nick your stability from where you stand! My new limbo is how I handle my new reality in everyday situations, a life lived without my children that I can't bring to birthday parties. I had a moment that made me remember the vividness of loss, that propelled me into a dark place I believed I had moved on from, or that was gone completely. The memories of loss and then of rejection by my best friend were so palpable my chest ached & I moved back to sorrow before I knew I was even there, it's the cloaked monster that won't let you sleep, that steals your happiness, that cracks your resolve, the one that dampens your determination & leaves you feeling less than.  

I have the luxury of time to rebuild again. I have wonderful family and my best friend is really my husband. I've returned to counselling which is the most positive step to come from this. 

I wish you an abundance of good intentions in your respective paths. That you experience health, kindness and not too many struggles & I thank you again for kind words when I needed them.


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## JulietP (Dec 6, 2012)

Gailgegirl.......what a horrible thing to do to you, I am so so sorry.  It doesn't matter how long you've been on this horrible journey, someone's insensitivity gets you like it's the first time it's happened.  No friend should do that to you, no matter what they've been through or what they think you've done.  I have come off social media and I am happily in month 3 of my detox.  I don't miss any of the ridiculous 'challenges' and I don't have to hold my temper on a daily basis in case I haven't 'shared' something that would show I'm a true, best friend.  I want to scream at those things.

You are a wonderful, strong person who has helped me massively on this forum.  There are things you have said that have brought me to tears and made me feel calm and given me hope.  You don't deserve to be treated like that and I hope you can give this person a wide berth.  Remove yourself from the nastiness and maybe one day the friendship can resume.  If not then that friend is no big loss.  

I am sending you lots and lots of hugs and hope to hear from you when things have picked up a little.  
xxxxx


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## gailgegirl (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you Juliet Your words were a great comfort.  Yes I need to protect myself & move away from negativity. My real life is beautiful in so many ways & loved ones & true friends appreciate my story without being intimidated by it. I hope I can salvage something with my friend but possibly not, whom has now apologised she had done that ** post in some hurt place. Only she knows why & I'm thankful I don't have to live with that as I would never intentionally want to hurt her. Life lessons I guess, I'm never too old for them I'm cocooning myself in the company of lovely people & my hubby for the time being. I won't be using this outlet anymore as I've realised I've out grown the main functions of it but please do know genuinely thank you for being kind to me. Xoxo


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

GG - I know you might not see this, but I wanted to send you a hug and my love  

These things on ** are what stop me actually going on it at all - it's too painful. The fact that's it's too painful is ok though, it's not a reflection of us, it's just a reflection of the way the modern world makes grief harder sometimes: whilst at the same time giving us other outlets that maybe help with grief (access to support, blogs, advice, forums etc).

Please be kind to yourself. I have struggled with the issue of friendship to the point I feel I have no true friends, not in the sense of the word that they have understanding of me. But, I agree with you that my lovely husband is my best friend - albeit a very annoying one at times   - although i don't always truly appreciate or see him that way.

I am glad that you have taken something from this difficult situation and hope that you can develop a stronger, if not different friendship with your friend.

Thinking of you always  

Xxx


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## Dancing duck (Sep 12, 2014)

Social media can be the best thing and also the worst thing in the world.
One thing someone once said to me is that people usually only post about their happiness, proud moments, triumphs etc which give an unrealistic perception as to how great their life is compared to yours and so if you read it when you are feeling down it only enhances your feelings.
It has been shown to have a negative impact on peoples self-esteem but its something we can't really get away from in this day if we want to keep in touch with friends and family.
Don't take it personally and try and see it for what it is - nothing more than online showing off....


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