# Advise please on do u tell baby and family it's from donor sperm please help xx



## hopefull LM (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi all

I have just been told today our only way of having a family is by donor sperm as dp has nothing now
I would love and family as I have the most wonderful man ever... He is up for it and I am but what do u tell ur close family and would u tell baby it's so very hard all these questions going around in my head

Any advised or stories would b a great help

Love Lee x x


----------



## mooers (Feb 19, 2011)

Hi Lee

I don't have any advice to offer I'm afraid, but I thought I'd let you know that there is a whole thread on here dedicated to those using donor sperm and eggs, so maybe they might be able to offer you some wise words? You can find it here. http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=64.0 I hope they can help you out, and the best of luck with your treatment journey. It's so hard some days, and this website is an absolute lifeline, as there is always someone who is going through the same thing, so you don't feel like you're alone.


----------



## LinLou (Jun 28, 2009)

Hi Lee

We are in the same situation - my dh has no sperm and are now going down the donor iui route (long story see my sign off but he did have a few sperm and we tried ICSI but now he has none so have been using donor the last few attempts) - me and DH are totally ok with the donor issue now.  We have told family and close friends we are using donor and most people have been very very supportive (nobody really understands which is frustrating but they try to).  We have had one nasty comment (well DH did) where his friend said to him "how will you feel bringing up someone elses kid?!" grrrr... you just have to put stupid comments like that down to people just not understanding what you have been through...anyway, personally I think it is good to tell at least family, if not friends, because it is nice to talk to people about it.  I personally would feel like I was living a lie by not telling anyone and have found it has helped to talk it through with close friends/family.  

Also, regarding the telling the child issue, my DH is adopted himself and has always known he is adopted from day 1.  We have very strong views that the child must be told from a young age so that it is something he/she just grows up knowing.  I think (and so does DH from his experience) that everyone has the right to know their background and it would be very unfair for it to be kept a secret from a child.  Also, if the child found out in later life that its own parents had kept such a massive secret from him/her, it would put such a strain on you and your dh's relationship with that child.  The two people that a child trusts implicitly and looks up to as role models have let him/her down by simply not being truthful.  

I also think, if you decide not to tell the child, you shoudln't tell any friends or family at all because it is more likely that the truth will come out to the child if the child is not being told but other people know.  You have to be very careful as my dh recalls that when he was younger his mum told her friend that she adopted dh and her friend obviously told her child as the child came up to dh in the playground at school and shouted, as children do..."your adopted ...... your adopted" and dh just replied back to him "yes I know".  Now that could have been a completely different outcome if he hadn't have known.

I totally understand that everyone handles things in different ways and I do understand why people decide to keep it a secret but I just think that you need to be as honest and open to your child as possible and surely if you kept it a secret you would worry all your life that it might be revealed if, for instance, the child had an accident or illness where their blood group was revealed (if it was different from your DH) or needed a kidney or bone marrow (where they turn to the family for a match).... just things to think about....

There is a good website called "The Donor Conception Network".  You can talk to other people in the same situation on line about it and they even have meetings.  You can buy books on how to tell the child and you can even buy books to read to your child from a young age which explains how they were created.  It is worth logging on to have a look to get other peoples views.  They even have a section on the website where donor children give their point of view as well.

Good luck with whatever you decide - I have been there and know how hard it is and, I did at one point, think about not telling the child/friends/family.

take care and good luck with your treatment.

Linlou x


----------



## Guest (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Lee,

Just a quick note   Worth looking at the donor sperm/eggs thread on FF - I know you've already been given the details. We are going down the donor egg route, so our situation is a bit different from yours. However, we are strongly in favour of telling the child, for all the reasons that Linlou suggests. The Donor Conception Network is great and it's also worth having any counselling that your clinic offers. We are required to attend a session, as part of our treatment, and we found it really helpful. The Counsellor also recommended telling the child, but urged us to think carefully about who else we told, so that the child might make some choices for themselves further down the line. One helpful piece of advice was to think about who the child would 'expect' to know - his/her grandparents, for example.

Anyway, I know you have lots to think about. These are big decisions, but hopefully you'll find lots of support on the FF threads and through the Donor Conception Network to help you on your journey.

Good luck,

Jen


----------



## LinLou (Jun 28, 2009)

Hi Jen

That is such a good point re thinking about who you tell so the child can make choices down the line - I have never thought about that and am now starting to think we should't have told our close circle of friends.  Maybe we should have only confided in our one closest friend each - I have found it good that i have been able to speak about it to my best friend but you are right, maybe we shouldn't have told our "close circle".

Oh well, too late now. 

Linlou x


----------



## hopefull LM (Jun 6, 2011)

hi girls

thanks for all your info we have decied to tell close family and baby if we ever get there 
its so very hard but. my dp said to me last night DADDY MEANS LOVE not sperm how cute 
i will look on dc network later 

thanks and wishing you all the luck 

love lee xx


----------

