# Nearly 41 And Feeling Desperate



## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Hello Ladies

I just need to send my feelings of desparation out to the ether.   I hope you don't mind.  

Been with DH for 12 years.  Married for nearly 5.  Trying for children for nearly 5.  Desperate desperate desperate.  Every day that goes by I feel that is a day nearer to the time when time has run out for me.  Sometimes I feel that life has no purpose and everything feels so empty.  By necessity I'm in a rush and all there is is waiting waiting and waiting.  Exploring, planning and actioning each option that then comes to nothing and then moving onto the next.  Why does it all take so long?

I've been trying to look into finding a sperm donor now as we have come to the end of the ICSI road but everytime I start I just crumble.  How long will it take?  Where do I start?  What are the laws now in the UK?  Is there any site left that provides an anonymous on demand donor service door to door?  Or is that all illegal now?  Are they all just 'introduction' agencies now?  If so, how long will it take for me to find someone suitable?  If that happens at all?  If there is no anonymous service anymore just how difficult is it to navigate the personal issues surrounding meeting and agreeing with a potential sperm donor?  Is there anywhere I can go abroad and avoid more waiting?  I fear that I shall explode for the waiting.  

Europe is not a good option for us as we are a mixed race couple.  I was thinking of Cuba or somewhere.  Is there anyone out there who has gone abroad for sperm donation?  Has anyone managed to negotiate this process quite quickly?  How easy is it to find out the legal implications surrounding sperm donation in other countries?  Where do I start to look for this?

Oh ladies.  I feel so trapped.  And everyone literally everyone seems to be dropping babies like flies around me!!!  What did I ever do to suffer this?  It's terrible.  Some days I just feel so terribly terribly alone.    (Thank goodness for FF  ).

Ooh someone send me some cyber hugs.  

Thanks so much for listening.  

Luv
G


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

I really, really understand your need and your desperation but please reconsider anonymous sperm donation.  You cannot know how your child will feel in the future and by choosing an anonymous donor you are closing doors for them.  It is not as if there isn't (or very little) choice in this country now as is the situation with egg donation.  I suggest you get in touch immediately with the London Women's Clinic in Harley Street.  They not only have plenty of donors, they have donors from minority ethnic backgrounds as well.  There is no waiting list so you can do this quickly.
Best wishes
Olivia


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

griselda

i know how you feel. i feel it too.

Im afraid no tips on donor sperm sorry.

Thought if i told you this story it may make you feel a little better .....a friend of mine was adopted and her half brother and sister are in care. The lady who foster cares for her half brother and sister also has other children she fosters one of which is a quarter caribbean and ive seen a photo of him and he is gorgeous. he can only be adopted by mixed race parents because that is better for him to understand where he comes from, so i couldent have him  . So you see you have lots of options and if you try sperm donor and it doesnt work you always have this option

you will get there in the end hunny im sorry i cant give any info on sperm donors


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## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Thank you so much ladies.  

Olivia, I shall contact them immediately.  Thank you.

Avon Queen - Yes we shall definitely also be trying the adoption route too.  It is something we always wanted to do before we even realised we would have problems conceiving our own!  Thank you so much for that.

G x


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## bungeee (Nov 15, 2007)

Hello 

Just wanted to send you a  !

I really know how you feel, I hope you can fulfill your dreams very, very soon!

Good luck!

x


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## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Hey Ladies

Thx for everything.  I'm feeling a lot better now.  Have a bit of a plan.  You have to have hope and a plan eh?   to see you through.  

Got the details for the Women's Clinic and also done some research on sperm banks.  It's looking good.

I've sent you all lots of bubbles for being so lovely and brave and kind.   

bungee - where are you on the fertility journey (hope you don't mind me asking  )?

Olivia - I notice your linked with the Donor Conception Network.  With all my hard work all day to day researching I've just filled out the application form and the cheque to join and it'll be in the post in the morrow!  So see you there!  

Luv
G xx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

From your post you seem to be implying that the potential parents meet the donor. That is not the case. The change in the anonymity laws mean that there is identifying information about the donor available to the offspring should they want it when they are 18.
As I understand it, you approach the clinic and they try to match you with a suitable donor. You will not know who this person is.
There is a shortage of donor sperm in this country now though, as donors are worried about children coming to find them in 20 years when they have their own life and family to consider.
You need to phone a few clinics and get some information.


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

griselda

no worries, u will be a fab mum one day


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hazel
Just to clarify, the reason for the shortage of sperm donors is because a lot of clinics made the assumption that men who were willing to be identifiable just wouldn't come forward.  They failed to change their methods of recruitment and allowed their sperm banks to run down, thus letting down their patients.  Thankfully one or two clinics showed that it is perfectly possible to recruit identifiable donors - you just have to target different men and work harder at it. Given this lead some clinics are now starting to recruit again,but many NHS ones have not been able to find the funding to start up again.  This has all led to a glut of donors in places like Manchester and London but a desert in the West Country, for instance.
Olivia

Griselda:  So glad you will be joining us.


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear G
Have sent you a Pm, just wanted to say welcme and good luck and have a good look around ths site... There are probably people who have been in a similiar pos that are not posting now - you just need to keep searching on here.

good luck
susie


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

You sound very encouraging Olivia, saying that there is a glut of sperm donors in London. I wish the clinics sounded so positive. I live in the "just outside" London area and am told by clinics local to me (NHS and private) that there is a severe shortage and a long wait. I am also running out of time, and I am very scared that if my husband eventually agrees to using a donor that there will be no clinic that can help us. I sincerely hope that what you say is true and we won't have to go abroad.

I was going by our fertility counsellor's explanation of why there is a shortage. I have no reason to disbelieve her.
Yes the clinics do have to work harder at recruiting.
I have seen a couple of adverts in the London papers but they are put with other adverts for escort agencies and the like. It doesn't make it very likely that people who might be interested in donating will see these adverts and come forward, and it is only two clinics that I have seen advertise.
I feel like at every step the rug is pulled from under my feet.


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## bungeee (Nov 15, 2007)

Hiya Griselda

I'm hoping to start my first DIUI early march, it has taken a long time and a lot of hurdles to get this far, but hopefully I'm starting my new journey soon!

Good luck to you hunny!

x


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hazel
I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.  The clinics I know have a good supply of sperm at the moment are the London Women's Clinic and St. Bartholomew's Hospital, but others have some donors and many more are successfully recruiting now that it is understood what you have to do in order to reach the right sort of men.  I understand that Big Issue reaches those of an altruistic frame of mind.
Best of luck
Olivia


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## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Hey bungee

Good luck hun!    

Luv
G xx


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## angry (Feb 15, 2008)

im39 and panicing ,lots and lots of love to you both and i wish you the very best ,sorry i dont no much about the spern root love from angry xxxx


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## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

Good luck!  I know how you feel!

Just started down the egg donor route (just lost our wonderful, generous donor as she tested pos for CF gene - gutted) - no idea where to begin cos our clinic has 18 month wait.

I was told by my clinic that if you go through a clinic you have far more legal safeguards & greater rights as the recipient - if you go it alone, then there are far more legal implications in this country at the moment.

Good luck!

Love Jess xxx


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