# To offer light at end of tunnel



## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

Just wanted to let people no that you can get throught it!!!!!   Myself and Dp enterd a journey in feb this year, which after 13 yrs of trying and many iui and ivf attempts ended. We were told no more . We considered adoption and egg doning but decided we didnt want to go down that route. Needless to say we hit a dark stage of our life. But once we decided enough was enough a huge weight lifted off both of us and we realised that having a child would not be the one thing that would make life happy , it was down to us and positivity to make us happy. When you hit the lowest you can be i think you start to appreciate the good things once you feel better and embrace every day that you wake up thinking life is good. We have such a happy relationship and have started having fun. We are off to Africa next year to help in kampala where our friend goes each year to make a contributin to peoples lives and education. Basically i feel that i am living again. I just wanted to let people know that yes it is a long journey but eventualy there is light at a very dark tunnel.  I have found xmas hard and still yearn for something i cant have but ive learnt to make the most of what ive got.
Happy New Year to all.
Shell 2


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## dhikki (Sep 5, 2005)

Hi Shell what a lovely post, so positive.

I pray for the day when i reach this stage  

Thank you for sharing 

Love Donna x


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## Libran (Dec 15, 2009)

Hi Shell
What a wonderful post !  You are an inspiration !!! After all, this board is meant to be about accepting and moving on.  I am fed up with feeling weighed down with all the sadness and negativity.  I don't want to reach old age and realise that I have wasted my life by living it full of regrets about circumstances that I have no control over.  The German Philosopher Rheinhold Niebuhr said:-
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
The courage to change the things I can, 
And the wisdom to know the difference"
How true is that ?!!
I don't think that the sadness will ever go, but, like Donna, I just hope that I can reach the stage of acceptance that you are at soon.
Good luck with your trip to Africa.  It sounds like it will be an incredibly amazing and worthwhile experience.


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

thanks donna and libran for the reply. Libran loved the quote so true x. I didnt want people to think i was gloating but just wanted to let people know you can get your life back its a long journey but in the end even though there are moments of sadness by accepting what life has dealt us we can move on .. xxxx  love to you both and best wishes for the new year. xx


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## Libran (Dec 15, 2009)

Shell, how did you reach such a positive state ?  What would you say are the key things that brought you to that light at the end of the tunnel ?  Sometimes I feel that I am getting there, and then, it only takes the slightest thing (i.e something on T.V) and I am a howling wreck again and don't feel that I have progressed at all.


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

Libran
I reached an all time low at the begginning of this year and had to have time of work and to be honest i decided only i could do the thing to make myself feel better.
It wasnt easy but acceptance was the main thing which of course is easier said than done. Then i embraced all the good things in my life, my lovely hubby excelent friends and family that have been there for me. It really is a case of taking the rough with the smooth and when you have a sad moment recognise it as that and dont feel that it is a failure. I feel it is a grieving process that we go through, and from time to time we missed loved ones and so it is natural to feel sadness for something that we cannot have. For me it was being thankfull for the things i do have and making a life for me and DH which can be happy and fullfilled even without children. It has taken me along time to get here and i hope you do too. 
love shell 2


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## Libran (Dec 15, 2009)

Shell
Thank you so much !    I have started 2010 feeling fairly positive, and long may it remain that way.
I am so sorry to hear about your troubles at the beginning of 2009.  However, I guess sometimes you have to hit absolute rock bottom before you can find a way back up again.  I totally agree with you that only WE have the power to make things better.  What I struggle with is that the grieving process doesn't seem to be finite.  The sadness is always there - sometimes very low level, other times acute.  For me, it is mostly kept well in check, but sometimes, often when you least expect it, it creeps up on you again and hits you for six.  As you wisely say, the best thing to do is recognise this as a "sad moment" not a complete mental breakdown, allow yourself time to be sad (chocolate ?!) and then move forward.  There is a fine line to be drawn between "being kind to yourself" and allowing yourself proper time and space to grieve and be sad, and then purely self-indulgent wallowing !


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

I completely agree with you libran you seem to have it all worked out. heres to a positive new year. im always here if you need a listening ear.
xx


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## Libran (Dec 15, 2009)

Thanks, Shell.  I may well have it worked out in theory....it's putting all the fine words in to practice that can often be the tricky bit !!!!  
Always here if you want to talk X


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## dhikki (Sep 5, 2005)

I agree with everything you both have said. I just wanted to add that it is good to cry now and again i see it as a bit more healing! You have to let the saddness out rather than bottle it all up. This sounds so silly but i always feel a bit better after a damn good cry! Oh and chocolate!!  

Love Donna x


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

not silly donna just natural thanks libran
Shell 2
xxxx


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## brightspirit (Dec 29, 2009)

Hi girls and Happy New Year to you all

I just wanted to share the hope of the tunnel coming to an end -it does ! I am 2-3 years on ( I know that sounds way off for some of you) but can honestly say that life does go on and gets better if you allow the pain to heal and look and evaluate your life -just wanted to share some things that have helped me but I guess it's all about finding our own way ...  

My dog and cat (and DH !!) programme on wed night this week proves same hormones we produce for our pets and children - we call our family The Pack -really would like a donkey but no space at mo !
week-end with Meredith re childlessness and unravelling why we are so unhappy with our lives ( really helped me start) 
I have re-trained as a Yoga teacher and am now able to teach my own class whilst having fun too (never thought I'd become a Yoga teacher 2 years ago)
Yoga can really help let go of your baggage/grief etc that we carry round and can honestly say it makes you really feel cheerful without having to pretend all the time ( I know about the happy mask etc as the others describe it)
Making new friends !!! Can honestly say have made some fab new friends who don't feel 'sorry' for me those are now long gone but have kept some of the old ones too !! just much more selective and now enjoy the babysitting !!!


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

thanks bright spark, new frieds i agree does help and i am always truefull about my circumstance.  xx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi ladies

I haven't visited (let alone posted) for a long, long time. I just wanted to add to the voice of hope really.

We packed it all in about 4 years ago now and it took about a year for me to drag myself out of the depth of despair and start to think about the future as it was going to be rather than how I had always thought it would be.

I had a job I hated so that was the first thing to go.  I quit without anything to go to and found myself another.  I thought about the types of jobs I'd had in the past, what I did and didn't like about them and, assuming I was going to spend the next 20 years at work, how I wanted to spend them. Took a pay cut but that was the least of my problems.

The next thing to go was the big house - a big empty house wasn't improving our outlook one little bit. It took a couple of years to sell the millstone, but sell it we did.  We now live in modest town centre flat.

At the same time we were focusing on Plan B. The plan that didn't have kids in it.  What on earth were we going to do for the next 40 years?  Well,  we've found plenty to do.  We travel extensively, enjoy going to the theatre and movies, eat out (way too often!) and ave a wide social network of friends, many of whom don't have kids (but for different reasons).

Exercise also helped a lot by keeping depression either just about under control or at bay, depending.

I agree, coming to terms with childlessness is a grieving process and a very painful one at that.  Am I "over it"? No, I'm not and don't ever expect to be.  We live with and around it, it's now a part of what makes us both tick and barely a day goes by when it doesn't flit through my mind. 

That said, unlikely as it seems, we're happier today than we ever thought would be possible, which is my motivation for posting my own “road to recovery” really. 

At one point I thought that I'd never experience happiness or joy ever again - I couldn't have been more wrong. However it did take time and a lot of tears.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just that some tunnels are a bit longer than others.

Good luck and happy new year.

Flipper


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