# BFP then BFN



## jax (Dec 13, 2004)

On our first DE cycle (after two failed and one abandoned cycle with my own eggs) I was ready for another failure and was quite expecting a BFN last Saturday. Amazingly it was a BFP and we were over the moon and in shock. I have been really really poorly with a horrendous cough and although everyone kept saying it wouldn't affect things I was very nervous and a bit paranoid. So, to put my mind at rest I did a HPT on Thursday and it came up negative. Confirmed with blood test yesterday that am no longer pregnant. I'm devastated. It is so cruel, for the first time in my life I could say "I'm pregnant" was so excited and so happy to be able to move to another stage. To lose it has killed me. I can't stop crying and don't know where to go from here. I just don't think I can cope with another cycle - all the drugs, the waiting games and now even it does work, will I keep it? Plus the expense. Like everyone on here, I just want to scream "why me?" I'm so upset. Was it the illness? Was it that it just wasnt a good pregnancy? We have no frozen embryos so it means going right back to the beginning. I live in Spain and apart from a friend who I met through here, no one understands, there is no counselling, nothing. I feel so alone. DH is trying and is also very upset but I know he doesn't really know what to do with me. I had ordered a load of pregnancy books from Amazon which will arrive this week. Even worse, my doctor says that now I've stopped with the plasters and pessaries,  I will miscarry in a few days. The thought that the baby, small as it is, is still inside and dead just destroys me. This is so awful.


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Jax,

First I would like to say I am sorry about your result , it is very difficult and I feel for you. 

I am currently having IVF ( 3rd) and at the last one I had a chemical pregnancy, so I had a low BFP then it went up and down so they thought it was ectopic, andthen finally the BFN was confirmed ( I was nearly happy about the BFN after thinking first it was an ectopic ( I was loosing blood with the low BFP). However I remember my consultant saying we could not talk about miscarriage as it was too early . If your expected testing date was last sat , and then you had a BFN 2 days later then it was just implantation that happened and it did not stay. For a miscarriage to happen you would be testing  low positive . 
However you may have heavy bleeding at your next period.

I don't understand what your doc is saying. 

The thing is you did not have a straight BFN so something happened and it may be that the next time will be the one. At your review appointment , maybe ask for some extra tests?

I really send you lots of   and bubbles
Future Mummy


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## jax (Dec 13, 2004)

hi, thanks for your message. to be fair my doctor didn't use the word "miscarriage" she said I would bleed heavily as it would all be coming out. My BFN on the HPT was actually 5 days after my initial BFP though and my doc said then she couldn't understand why as the HCG count on test day had been very strong, she said the hormones should still be in my system even if it hadn't stayed. I'm seeing her tomorrow so have more questions. I would like to think I was pregnant, even if only for a couple of weeks as I have never been. I know it probably wasn't bigger than a bunch of cells but it still feels like an incredible loss and that it was my baby, however early on in development it was. I know some would think I'm making things worse thinking that way but I can't help it. for the first time in my life, I was so excited to be thinking ahead to my little one running around. I'm heartbroken.


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

It is hard, and it is normal to cry and talk about it. 
What you had is better than immediate BFN as it means a BFP can happen. So don't give up, it will happen, you will be a mummy.
Make sure you ask lots of questions at your review appointment and also maybe ask about other clinics , what they would do different, in terms of protocol.
Take care,
Future Mummy


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## Boomy (Oct 22, 2007)

Hi Jax,

I know what you are going through and just wanted to send you some    .

In my first ICSI cycle my blood test showed a  .  The clinic sent me for a standard blood test 3 days later and it was  .  You can imagine my shock, I had not known this was possible.  We had been on   and had told all our family and friends.  It was heartbreaking.      We managed a   on our next attempt but I m/c at 18 weeks.      This was the worst time of my life.

I absolutely understand what you are going through.  This journey is so hard and so unfair.  You cry until there are no more tears, and yet your heart still aches and yearns for what could have been.      

Take some time to grieve, you have lost a baby.  Eventually you may feel ready to try again.  

Take care, look after each other.    
      
Tracy.


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