# Issues with LA - confused & stressed



## Guest (Feb 1, 2010)

Hi all,

I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience and could shed light. DH and me are half-way through the adoption process, done all the references, CRBs, medicals and preparation course and was waiting for home study. 
Before Christmas we were told we would start HS not before end of Feb or early March, while all the other couples in our course were already assigned and starting (or so it seemed). So we e-mailed to ask why we are put to the end of the queue and whether there was a reason. Becuase we were told by SWs that we were the only non white-British they had experience of in their team and they are finding this complicated, we wanted to make sure there was no discrimination, so wrote an e-mail to say could they please look at this and explain why we are put to the end of the queue. 
The SW and her manager became furious, demanded a meeting with us, in which they said we are overbearing and had no right to question anything because nobody else does. However at the meeting we kept repeating that we don't want to criticise and were only questioning procedures, that we'll be happy to hear that we are taken on eventually, and that we may have reacted too strongly because we feel we never got any encouragement during the process and are feeling anxious. We thought the meeting ended well with SW and manager confirming we should wait for HS in February. 
Now we got an e-mail from the manager saying that on reflection she still has issues with our concerns about their service and that 'they think this translates to concerns about how we would care for adopted children'!! We were told to expect a report about us by 19th Feb and not to expect to start HS now. We are gutted, extremely stressed, and feeling this is so unfair. 
Anyone has any views?

Thanks for reading, and all the best to everyone out there.

Rivka x


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## Angel129 (Oct 28, 2005)

Hi Rivka,

I don't have any advice but couldn't just read this and carry on.  I feel so upset for you and I can hear by reading your words just how frustrated and helpless you feel.  We too started down the adoption route and were so daunted and felt so judged that in the end we gave up, for now anyway    Sorry I'm not telling you to give up.  I'm not helping much am I?  

I just wanted to offer you my support and let you know that I think questioning the LA is well within your rights and I can't understand why they would be offended if they don't have anything to hide.  We were told that they didn't have enough non-white adopters, along with not enough people willing to adopt children with known challenges.  Doesn't add up if you ask me.  

Hang in there!

Angiexxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

how upsetting for you  and of course now you are going to be chewing your own hands off for the next 19 days  
i think right now you've just got to wait for this written letter and go from there, since really you need this 'report' in writing before you know your next step or how to respond  If it comes to it, you may have to change your LA/agency as you might not be able to overcome whatever this obstacle is..but there are many people who have done this and successfully moved on with adoption with another LA..its an unfortunate hiccup but sometimes its the only way..
am interested as to why they find your situation of being non white-British so difficult and out of their realm, i really can't believe you are the first they have come across, and if they push this point then i think it is only fair that they explain to you exactly why its  so difficult ??
wishing  you luck, and strength

kj x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya

im sorry im not going to be any help at all but couldnt just read and run. wanted to end you a massive    we gave up trying to suss out SS a long time ago but im sure it will all work out.  

lots of love camly x x x


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond. Both me and DH were made to feel better by your being so kind in your responses, thanks a lot  

Angel - don't blame you that you gave up   I think we are 'the wrong kind' of non white British, they are looking more for other ethnic minorities. Mad, isn't it?

Keemjay - we hope we can patch it out with the LA because of the time and resources invested and because they are conveniently located, but already thinking that if it doesn't work out we'll have indeed to look elsewhere. 

Camly - same here, not trying to make sense of it anymore   
Just wanted to say that I have been reading your diary some time ago, so I'm so glad you now have your daughters at home with you, brilliant news!

We now wrote a response to the LA trying to 'apologise' (even if didn't do anything wrong, just to appease them  ), explain we didn't mean to criticise but just to ask questions, and asking to be told what we could do to rectify the situation. Hope this sets their egos up enough for them to continue with us as normal  . If not, it'll have to be looking at a change ...

Thanks again everyone.

Rivka x


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

Hi both my DH and I were shocked by your post! 

Unfortunately there are some workers within ss that take advantage of having us by the bouncy things!!! 

I would suggest that you do try to find someone else to work with. I am not sure where you are based but if you worked with a VA they would be able to access the children across the UK rather than having a preference to placing there own children. 

VA's also tend to have more experience of us non white couples and in our experience place more emphasis on you as an adopter rather then getting caught up in the ethnicity issues! 

I know it may feel like you are starting again but ito me it is preferable to having to grovel! 

We do have to learn to smile and nod at some very shoddy treatment but you have indeed been mistreated! 

If you want to pm me then please do as I had a very strong reaction to your situation and I would be happy to offer any support.

Good luck hun


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

Just my take on LA's, we had a couple of run in with ours during the process though not as severe as you described, after one run in with our SW which had been dealt with, I said that you expect us to be strong advocates for any children that they place with us as more than likely we will have issues were we have to deal with bodies such as schools/NHS/ ect to get the possible outcome for the kids placed with us but during the process you want us all meek and compliant I told it was nonsense.

They need the people who are going to challenge/stand up/question the process as these parents are going to do the same for their kids in later life when things need doing, rather than just accept the status quo.

Good for you for sticking to your principles and use this during homestudy as an example who you will fight for the rights of your child.


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## Guest (Feb 5, 2010)

Thanks again for your support, much appreciated.

Curvycat - Have pm'd you.

MX - This is exactly what DH was saying last night! It makes no sense. But good idea to mention standing up and questioning things when HS will have a discussion of how we would advocate for our future children.

SW replied with an e-mail a bit more polite this time (just comes to show they surely have an ego issue here  ), saying that they understand our frustration etc. but that still they want to write us a letter to highlight their concerns, by 19th Feb, to which we should reply. We're planning to wait and see. If the letter is sensible and we can work around it, and it HS follows soon, we'll swallow our pride and get on. If not, it'll have to be exploring other agencies.

Rivka x


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, hope all turns out well for you.

We swapped LAs as we felt that they were anti pets and we have 2 cats and a dog. They were also very slow.

If you do decide to swap here is a link that shows all the LA/VA in your area.

http://www.baaf.org.uk/agency_db/noflash_textonly/frameset_noflash.htm



This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## Guest (Feb 13, 2010)

Hi Mummyof2

Thanks for your support   We're still waiting for their 'report', which they promised by end of next week. If they'll continue to be difficult we'll definitely swap agencies! Thanks for the link, there are a couple more agencies we could try according to what it says. 
Looking at your signature is inspiring, I hope we'll get there one day ...

Rivka x


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Glad to help.  It does seem a very long process to get a child (took us almost 4 years  ) but it does happen in the end and when it does it is worth all the waiting.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

any news yet Rivka?

kj x


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## Guest (Feb 25, 2010)

KJ - thanks for asking!  
SWs manager sent us a long and rather nasty letter last Friday, saying that we have 'poor communication' and 'no trust in the agency' (quoting one meeting in which they say that they didn't take minutes so don't remember what was said, another meeting when they came to complain to us about us questioning being at the end of the queue, and another meeting with the SWs who did the prep course in which they claim we said things which we never actually said!!  ). 
The letter says that if 'we don't resolve our differences' they will recommend to adoption panel not to approve us   We wrote a response as they asked us to do, saying that we don't think there are any 'differences' just misunderstandings, highlighting everything we've done so far for the adoption process to show how keen we are. 
In the letter they ignore the fact that we volunteered and have extra experience with children as they asked us, that we completed all previous stages, that they said all our refs were satisfactory - basically, anything positive about us. We sent back the reply and still waiting to hear from them.
But by now we are - slowly and surely - getting rather fed up ... 

Rivka x


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

They sound a dreadful LA     to you for all this hassle.  You just don't need it when all you are trying to do is complete your family


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I'm quite shocked  threatening not to take you to panel  i would start phoning around other LA's or VA's if i were you..it may end up delaying you a while which will be really frustrating but in the long run you will prob be better off..if they misunderstand you this much at this stage how on earth are they going to be able to find the right match for you with all that entials..its imperative for everyone to be getting along for you to complete this process satisfactorily...

kj x


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## Guest (Feb 25, 2010)

MummyOF2 - thanks!

KJ - thanks too! You know, they actually used the 'understanding' argument (which you mention so correctly) in that letter against us, saying that if we have not enough trust in them and don't communicate well with them they won't be able to work with us ... However, we replied to the letter that we got on Friday night by Sunday night, and still waiting for their decision, so much for communication! We're feeling a bit disillusioned about other LAs/VAs, you tend to hear so many horror stories that they may all treat us so  

Need to think things over...

Thanks everyone for your support, you make us feel so much better, don't know what I would have done without all the lovely people on ff  

Rivka x


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## Guest (Mar 2, 2010)

Update from us: SWs manager e-mailed today to say they are happy with our response to their report and will contact us soon to start HS. We are still not feeling comfortable with this particular team, but decided will go with it for the chance of being parents at the end of the game (hopefully!).

Thanks everyone for being so supportive of us in such difficult moments, your warmth and kindness mean so much to me and DH.

Rivka x


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## Guest (Mar 3, 2010)

Glad you have got a more positive response and hope you can make some steps forward to becoming a mum soon.  

Big ((hugs))
Bop


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

That's good news.  Let's hope they treat you better now and you speed through the system and get a child soon     Glad to have been of help.  I know this site has been a god send to me over the years when I have had problems so it is nice to give some help back any way I can.


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