# Birth son & adoption



## MIMI4 (Feb 16, 2007)

Hi

We have ds 6 yrs, history of endo, pco and 1 mmc. As I know you will understand the emotional/physical side of if can be awful. Dh is quite relaxed about it and wouldn't really mind if we didin't have anymore. On the other hand, it has taken over my life and I'm starting to feel very guilty about not giving my son my 'all' if you know what I mean. I'm waiting for lap for endo (not a huge amount of pain/heavy af-just not getting bfp) then maybe clomid, which I haven't had before. My concerns are the effects on yet another year of ttc, medication, surgery and what effect this will have on my son. I feel so guilty because I know how lucky we are to have him and he is my life but I never wanted him to be an only child. 

Having said all this, we started looking into adoption and contacted our LA. I was told that at 38 I had plenty of time an they wouldn't consider us until we had exhausted all IF avenues. She was very keen to 'sell' fostering to me because of my childcare background but I think I would find that very difficult, after years of IF to nuture another child who is then taken away would send me completely insane!

I think I reached a turning point last year when I contacted the LA. I felt the burden of IF had been taken off me for a while and it felt great. I have seen many children through work who are fostered, then adopted and I think how rewarding that must feel. It's something that we are considering but I'm still not sure whether I have come to terms with the possibility of not having another pregnancy. I'm scared about putting my body and ds & dh through more possible heartache. I know we haven't actually had ivf (NHS won't pay as we have ds so can't afford it) but we do have IF and it's like a constant niggle at the front of my mind every day. Everything I do work/home etc there's always something to remind me about IF. I feel like I would be giving up too soon because we haven't gone as far as other couples with fertility treatment, but I felt so relaxed and relieved for a while after I had spoken to LA .I think if we didn't have any children we would probably do anything and everything to conceive but now whatever decision we make we obviously want to do what's right for ds.

The lady from LA asked me what effect adoption could have on ds. Of course I said there could be 'sibling' rivalry but any family would get that. Ds is a very loving child and I know that whether it's a birth sibling or adopted he wouldn't mind. I have also heard that parenting birth and adopted children is different. Obviously we haven't discussed anything with him yet as it's far too early but I wondered if there's is anyone who has been through adoption after having birth children. Also when did you 'give up' IF investigations/treatment. I just don't know what stage I'm at. ne day I'll see a preg woman and feel sad but determind, another day I worry about the effects all this is having on ds and feel ready to apply for adoption. I'm so confused.......but I know I would love more children.


It's taken me ages to write this so I hope it's not too confusing!!!

MIMI4


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hiya

I haven't had a birth child but I have just nearly (waiting final court date) adopted our foster child  and we are hoping to continue to foster later in the year and we have to consider what effect that will have on K

When you go through the fostering/adoption assessment they will explore with the whole family including your ds ( in a child's way) the impact an adoptive child can have on the family  
What the LA normally does is sends someone out to have an informal chat with you and they can answer lots of the questions you have. 
However they will need to be certain that you have "laid to rest" so to speak trying to conceive before allowing you to start the process. 
When giving up ttc is a very personal decision and everyone is different. Some members decided to have no IVF cycles etc and adopt where as others have had years of treatment and then gone on to adopt.

I have had clomid (far too many cycles) OI cycles and then I decided that I didn't want any IVF cycles at that time and we applied to become foster parents and as it happens we now have a little one who is ours  

I am sure the others will be along to offer some advice 
 with whatever you decide 

love
Suzie x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Mimi4

Welcome to the adoption boards

Have a look at this thread which is set up for adoptive parents with birth children too http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=166533.0

Also this thread was written by a lady who was in the same sort of situation as you with a birth child
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=155598.msg2424651#msg2424651

god luck

MEz
x


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## mavis (Apr 16, 2004)

Hi MIMI4,  

With regard to your question when do I know is the right time?

For me, I had had enough of tx, we tried for 7 years to have a child naturally but it wasnt to be, we ended up having 4 miscarriages, 3 natural and 1 x IVF.  I knew I had to stop after the IVF, it really did me in mentally and physically and there was no way I could go through that again or the miscarriages.  It took me a while to get over it, but when I had I was ready.

We are all different - dont be so hard on yourself.  I am just speaking personally to try and give you an idea what I felt.

I think if you can listen deep down to yourself you may know the answer, no one but you can tell you what is right or wrong for you.

I wish you lots of love and luck,

Take care of yourself,

mavis x


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## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

MIMI4,

I am rushing out so haven't got time to post now, but will be back on later. Four years ago I could have written your post, I am now a mummy to 2 boys, 1 birth and 1 adopted.

Will post later.

FionaXXX


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## MIMI4 (Feb 16, 2007)

Thank you so much everyone,

It's very interesting hearing about others peoples stories. TTC is constantly on my mind, it takes over, stops me from doing certain things. At the moment I'm trying to avoid relatives/friends who are preg, I just feel so low about it this time. Usually, I'm OK and manage to put on a brave face around these people but recently I've found it very difficult. Maybe it's because I'm starting to feel the struggle ttc is just too much and am ready to stop, I don't know. I'm constantly thinking about it but also adoption. I know there are so many 'needy' children out there and I would imagine it's a wonderful thing to do. We may apply after my diathermy or clomid if those haven't worked. I can't bear the thought of spending more years of ttc, it's just too much. 

Thanks again for your replies it has definately given me something to think about.

P.S How long from start to finish did the adoption take? From what I've read it seems to be different in each area, from 18mnths-3 yrs??

MIMI4


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Mimi4- i dont have birth children however have 2 children via adoption- for us it took from 1st email to getting approved 9months and then another 25weeks to be told about our children- they moved in with us 7weeks later- we legally adopted them 2yr and 1day after the email i sent our LA.

Dont get me wrong i still get broody at times however for me its sort lived as i have 2 lovely children who keep me very very busy (one boy,one girl)

Good luck

MEz
xxx


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi MIMI4, I have a birth son of 7 and an adopted son of almost 2 - so a 6 year age gap.  It took us just under 4 years from first adoption enquiry to having ds2 placed with us.  

I had 2 lots of IVF, lots of IUI and clomid - lost 3 babies to miscarriage.  Dh was the one who said no more treatment as he found each "failure" caused him too much pain.  We found ourselves £10K in debt as well so we decided that enough was enough.  My dh has poor motility/high abnormal forms.

Like you, I avoided pregnant women and had to switch over the tv if one came on.  I had a permanent ache for a second child.  That gap was filled when ds2 came to live with us.  

Dh and I will always feel sad that we could not have another biological child but no-one could say we didn't try!  Adoption is an excellent way to complete your family we have found.  Ds1 and ds2 are very close and ds1 is very happy to have the brother he longed for for so many years.


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Bumping this up as this question seems to come up a lot on here


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