# Coping with friends pregnancies ... Tips?



## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

Hi everyone
I'm waiting to start IVF following tube removal and like everyone else says.... It's seems friends and family are constantly announcing pregnancies around me. 
It's really hard to cope with. 
I've just received an invite to my friends baby shower. 
I know I really should go but I'm struggling to see how to get through it 
Especially as all my other friends that are going will be taking their own children too.  :-(
Does anyone have any tips or advice on how they cope in situations like this please?
Anything at all?! I'm feeling desperate 
X


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i'm probably one of the people the non-pregnant people would envy, given that i am pregnant. but it took years and years of heartache and £25k and three ivfs including a Bfn and a m/c to get here and i'm still scared. not everyone who is pregnant gets their happy ending. so remember that when dealing with pregnant women... some might m/c or have stillbirths, some will suffer birth injury to themselves or the baby, have postnatal depression, babies born with serious problems, or difficulties with prematurity....these cheerful souls at a baby shower have plenty to get through before the end of their journey. 

i shut myself away from everything ... didn't remember friends children's birthdays, stopped visiting or even phoning people with babies because it was just heartbreak..i'd phone and their hubby would say 'sorry they can't get to the phone they are bathing the children'... or some such.... it was too much... or you do get to speak to them but they just ignore you on the phone because of the child in their lap... -it's fair enough, but i couldn't handle it...

in the end you end up 40 and lonely. everyone else seems to be living and you feel trapped in a glass bubble you can't get out of. you end up cutting yourself off from anything to do with pregnancy and it works against you because you cut yourself off from people who know more about it than you do...

my advice is front up put on brave face and deal with it. have faith that your time will come and that one way or another someone will call you mum.

because it is better to have a little pain today rather than store up heartbreak for later. i missed out on so much..and now i'm pregnant i can't see my friends rushing to play with my child or send it gifts because i couldn't be there for them....i feel so sad about that.


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## RuthB (Sep 20, 2012)

*goldbunny* - I remember you from other posts, so happy that you are now pregnant! Good news.

*Mrsball* I'm also in a slightly different situation as I have a child but have been struggling for years with SI. I would say take each baby shower as it comes, I agree with goldbunny its not good to lock yourself away but equally if you feel it is too much, maybe say you have plans that day and ask to come and visit another day? Your friend wants you to be part of her happiness but I'm sure she will understand and you may be able to support her in other ways that aren't so painful for you. I can cope with some people's pregnancies but not others and its no fun fighting back the tears when its supposed to be a happy occasion. Good luck x


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Helllo mrsball i remember you from the other boards i had my last tube removed a couple of weeks after you. I completley relate to how your feeling right now. My partners brothers partner is due to have a baby in 2 weeks and im dreading it, i dont see them that often but when we go my partners mums they are simetimes there and i never know where to look i dread when the baby is here. My partner doesnt quite understand though. Ive learnt to just act how i feel if i dont feel comfortable i take myself out of the situation but its really hard. Im going to see a councellor soon who hopefully will help me to act on these sitations. Sorry i have no tips but i wanted to write to you as im in the same boat. I have no idea how im going to act seen the baby   hope you get some good answers i will be following any tips, take care mrsballl x


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## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

Hello everyone
Thanks so much for your replies and advice. It really helps. 
I've decided I am going and putting on a brave face. 
You're right. I shouldn't be quick to judge or assume that they have had a smooth run as I guess you never know what people are going through. There are plenty of people that don't have a clue about me!
It's just so tough as it seems to be all around me. 
I'm sure I just notice it more now because if my situation.  

Tinkerbell ... Hi ! Glad to hear you're recovering well. I think counselling is a great option. Def something I will consider going forward too. Especially if I have a failed cycle. 
X


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Mrsball


I honestly couldn't agree with goldbunny any more.  Iv got a 6 month old daughter after 6 years and 4 rounds of treatment.  I am lucky that iv managed to keep a lot of the pain inside.  But i have had to apologize to a very good friend since having my daughter.  As she has 2 lovely children but really struggled for one reason and another.


Touching on another note from goldbunny.  I remember going to my b friend's birthday meal, an old school friend was there with her husband and was very heavily pregnant.  We had been friends on ** and putting it bluntly she had been full of herself and her pregnancy on **, going on and on about it, it really was too much.  At the meal i ended up having to sit right near her, i felt sick as a pig, she still went on about it all, even though she know we had been struggling for several years.  Sadly she had a still birth baby son, and later had a healthy daughter, but she didn't keep on about it the second time she was pregnant, it was obviously so painful for her.  Its a very sad story but remember that you don't know what people have been through to get pregnant or to have a healthy child.  Im aware that i can't help but be very happy that i have an amazing, healthy daughter, im sure i would irritate someone who was struggling to conceive, but they don't know my story, and regardless becoming a parent should be a happy time.


I think its totally natural to think that life is perfect for every pregnant woman, but thats not the reality of it! Go honestly keep your friends its so so important, pregnant woman and babies are a part of society and we have to learn to live along side them.  But saying that, remember to be fair to yourself, don't stay longer than you can cope with and try to sit with the people who are less gushy and cooie about pregnancy and babies.  Personally i also wouldn't drink, that for me was always a huge no no.  Your come back home and feel a huge pang of sadness, but your also feel proud that you got through the night and more importantly you would have kept your friends.  xxxx


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## Roxymurphy (Jun 2, 2012)

I saw a fertility counsellor for the first time a few weeks ago and she gave a different perspective on the question you are asking. She said that the most important thing is to protect yourself because no one else is going to do that for you. She said be selfish in these situations. I was really surprised, I was expecting her to say 'try and carry on with life as normal, you can't hide from life.'

Basically, I would say if you want to go, go. If you don't want to go and feel it would be too hard, make an excuse and don't go. Don't beat yourself up about what you think you should or shouldn't do or worry about what other people will think.

I would sack it off and go and do something fun and frivolous with my other half- something I WANT to do.

I'm a complete liar- I would go cause I would feel bad if I didn't!!! Haven't quite mastered the selfish thing yet but I'm trying...!!


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I agree to an extent but i think you have to give a bit to get a bit so to speak and if you only think about your own feelings then one day your look around and realise you havnt got any friends cos friendship is about give and take.  


I would probably make an excuse if it wasn't a good friend or someone that i cared too much about, but other than that if i thought i could cope with it i would.  


I have been in some horriffic situations over the years, situations that have ripped me appart (probably the same as everyone else here).  But kind of being on the other side now and having a 6 month old daughter im so glad i put myself through it all, generally speaking i have kept the friends who are important to me.  


I think one of the only times i refused to take part is when my brother and sil were home from Dubai, i had spent the day with him and his eldest child.  My mum was going on about his wife who had just found out she was pregnant and her 6 month old baby were also flying over very soon and she wanted a big family meal.  I couldn't do it, i had not met their 6 month old yet let alone come to grips with the fact she was pregnant.  My mum was mortified, but i couldnt do it.  My brother was totally fine with it all.


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## Littlecat (Aug 5, 2011)

I do agree that you have to put yourself first but looking back I'm glad I made the effort not to keep children out of my life. There was definitely a cross-roads point with my best friend when I could have stepped back but her kids are now two of the highlights of my life. For me the best strategies were:

* Starting with people who knew what was going on for me (and who I knew well enough to know things weren't perfect). Taking it slowly.

* Having an out - so if I went to see my friends baby, I might take a 20 minute walk with my husband part way through to deal with how I felt.

* Focusing on small things. With my sister, we focused on the toys I could make for the baby, the colour scheme for the nursery, things I could handle discussing.

* Pushing through the difficult bit. For me, the first few meetings were the worst. Now they are themselves not a reminder that I can't have children. I do have stray thoughts (especially when my husband and our god-daughter are so sweet together) but I let them pass. 

* I now use my nieces (real and honourary) as a kind of defensive barrier against other people's children anecdotes. If I'm at work and everyone is talking babies, I can talk about the babies my friends have. 

To be honest, I probably wouldn't have gone to a baby shower initially - because it would be too intense for me - but I would now.


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

I have 6 friends who have either recently had babies or currently pregnant; I've gone to baby showers, 'congratulations the baby's here' get togethers and constant baby status updates on ********.

Had a big shock yesterday, one if my friends has called her baby the same name we had picked. 
I know she would never have do it on purpose; she a genuine lovely person. But the idea of calling her son the name that we had picked for our baby is soul destroying.
I know it's illogical but I feel like someone else got my baby!


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi Hayden, the same thing happened me 15 yrs ago, my brother in law used the name for his daughter that i had picked out when i was a teenager for any daughter i may have, he didnt know it so it was a fluke but omg it hurt so much,it felt like why get to have it all and then steal the one thing we cling to for a bit of comfort, i know what you mean hugs
Rosebud


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Thanks Rosebud - i felt so awful for feeling that way but i couldnt help it. 
got a christening for another baby on Sunday and the dad of this baby with the same name will be there so have to put my 'im so happy for you' face on and hope that i dont burst into tears infront of him as that would be very embarrassing! 

feeling a bit better now and i know i will get used to it and that our little boy (if we have a boy...could have a girl!) is still in the ethos somewhere waiting for our time to be right and when it is he will still have his name.


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

As hard as this is for us (including myself) we have to accept that people are going to be pregnant and have children.
I have friends who are pregnant and friends who have children and when they ask me to baby sit I am more than happy to do so. When I baby sit them I don't see "babies" I should have had - I see people in their own right.  I also find that the friends who involve you in their child's lives are the one who don't pity you- I have had friends in the past ( and I stress now the past) who never bothered calling me when they had their children ( as I don't have any)

baby showers are just a good excuse to get dressed up and have a girlie gathering ... no more than that!   xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Rome i totally love your attitude.  I always tried to see things that way, but as you say its hard, think i was somewhere in the middle with it all.  The other thing is that if your lucky enough to have a child then everyone comes out to congratulate you, its amazing.  If your not you still need your friends.  


Iv got a 7 month old daughter after 7 years of trying, everyone was delighted, it was really special, i would have hated to finally find myself pregnant and not to have anyone to share it with. xxxxxxx


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

Hi- I do get upset that I am still not pregnant but I cant let that define who I am and I think there comes a point where you have to enjoy life or you suddenly find yourself alone and life has slipped by


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Hey Rome10!

You're right about it being an excuse for the girls to get together, dress up and have fun, I've got a baby shower in December and we're all wearing onsies! lol! I've found a green dragon one that I'm gonna wear and I can't wait!


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