# Do adopters of 1 long for a sibling?



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I will try to explain. DH and I went into this wanting siblings and being told that was very realistic. 3 months on from panel and a while since we were told it isn't really and adopters wanting singles generally are matched much quicker  (which annecdotally seems to be true at least.)

My question is those who have adopted one do you long for a sibling? I have read some of the thread for treatment Mums on here when hopes of a sibling are ebbing and worry that I may feel exactly like they do shortly after if placed with one child. I always wanted a big family and I have come to terms with that not happening best I can. However I don't know if I can take the leap to mother of one. We have seen nearly 20 sets of siblings and nothing has been appropriate so far. I don't feel this is normal and honestly feel that we are being shown profiles so SW's can say that we are not because they are anything close to a match to us. Most don't really meet our matching criteria and this is because there simply isn't siblings available that do. 

Ultimately if we are going to end up with a single I'd rather do it now than later as we are just living months in limbo and unhappy / stressed in the mean time. People can say live life as normal but you can't. The bottom line is life costs money and if we book things etc and then can't do them then we we loose money we need for our family if that makes sense.   

Sorry this is probably a total ramble. The only thing DH and I are agreed on is that if we consider and are ultimately matched with a single we have to accept that and can't spend our lives looking over our shoulders for BM to be pregnant again etc. We are aware this could happen / we could go through the process fully again (an option we aren't honestly keen on) but we think for our and a child's sanity we need to be happy with what we are placed with and anything else is a happy surprise. We don't want to be counting the days down till we can reapply / hoping SS are calling to say BM is pregnant everytime the phone goes. 

Are there any ladies out there who have always wanted a big brood, then obviously been through IF got to adoption and are now very happy as a family of three? Or are you like those in hoping for another miracle and still desperate for another child and find every new addition to others familes etc heart breaking??

Thanks for the advice my lovlies. So many decisions to make in the DIY household. Said we were going to make them over Xmas but thus far have spent our time forgetting it all and being normal people    x x x


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi DIY    Good to hear you managed to forget about adoption a little and enjoy your Christmas! 

It's SO hard to carry on 'as normal', I know. We're at a similar stage to you, just waiting to be matched, and also deliberating over 1 or 2. This is by far the hardest part - our life and thoughts are consumed with adoption! I'm finding I'm a lot more impatient with this stage than I ever was during the approval process. And, as you say, you can't book or plan anything, as you just don't know what's going to happen or when. 

I'd always wanted at least two children myself, whereas DH would be perfectly happy with just one. I couldn't imagine my life without siblings and so never wanted to raise an only child. A lot of well-meaning people have told me to start off with one, but I'm not getting any younger and I don't know that I'd want to go through all of this all over again! I can see that one would be easier initially though, so it's a tricky decision to make. If I felt it would significantly speed things up, I know I'd be very tempted to go for just one! 

Are you looking at profiles of both single children and sibling groups? We asked our SW to send us both, as we think we'll probably 'know' when we find our future child or children. I'm trying not to really think too much about it in terms of one or two and we haven't decided either way - we'll just see what happens. We were almost matched to a single child, who seemed absolutely perfect at the time, but he went to another family. Back at that point, we'd pretty much decided that one would be fine and we'd just see what the future had in store for us thereafter. However, since then, we've seen a profile of a sibling group we really like and now I'm convinced that it has to be two! 

I think it's perfectly normal to view 20 profiles and not feel that any are quite right - particularly if your SW is sending you ones that don't match your criteria. I've lost count of how many we've seen - but we did ask to see practically everything! With some sibling groups, we have felt that 'maybe' we were right for each other, but I think we were just getting impatient and fed up of waiting, so we were trying to make a connection that wasn't really there. The group we're currently pursuing are the only ones we've felt really, really certain about (and I'll be so upset if it doesn't work out, as it feels as though there aren't any other suitable matches for us out there at the moment). 

There are pros and cons to going for one child initially. I imagine that it's a lot easier to bond to one child than trying to form attachments with two. It will be less exhausting, particularly in the early days. You'll have a spare guest room for people to come and stay and help out! There's no guarantee that they'll have a sibling in the future, but there's a good chance they will if you and they really want it   

And of course, adopting a sibling group helps keep those siblings together (I think it's so sad when they have to get split up), you've got a ready-made family, you don't have to go through the adoption process again, but it may be harder parenting two (or more) and forming those early attachments! 

I think your comment about being happy with one is a very good/important one. The last thing you want to do is have a child placed and then return to that limbo stage and just be waiting for the second one. That won't be good for you or the child! When we were pursuing the single LO, I just thought to myself that one is better than none, which is where we're at currently and, as you put it, anything else that comes along is a lovely surprise - with the bonus that we'll be more experienced, practised parents and can base our decision for the second child on the needs of the current LO too. 

I would be really interested to hear some experiences of people that have already adopted one when they were initially interested in siblings too


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi DIY, I'm still at the early stages but as someone wanting a sibling group I was interested in your post. Are all these profiles children that are within your sw LA locality? If so is it worth branching out and looking at ones on bmp or adoption uk and see if there are any there, or look at the activity days? The sw may be limited to what they have at the present time.  We have been told that of the 100 children waiting in our locality a significant number are sibling groups, so we thought there wouldn't be any major issues in finding a suitable match. Maybe casting the net wider might help?
x x


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi
We adopted one after being approved for 1 or 2. We waited several months for siblings before making the decision to go for 1. We were matched very quickly once we'd changed our minds.
We always intended to adopt a 2nd child and were waiting another year but social services approached us as another baby had come along. 
We have a 3 year age gap between our 2 and I feel we would have struggled if they had been placedat the same time. However hind sight is a wonderful thing and it could have worked out differently. It could have turned out that our eldest would have been unable to have others placed with him or siblings could have been placed together when they shouldn't have been. The matching is a big leap of faith on the adopters part as nobody knows what could happen in the future. 
There are pros and cons to a singly or siblings which have already been mentioned. 
You have to go with what you really want and feel is best for you. We never lived in limbo after being placed with one as family life took over. We knew at the time of changing to one that we would adopt a second time it just so happened that for us it has been a sibling.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

DIY I am 1 of 4 so is hubby and it has never been by dream to be a mummy of 1. We had to be realistic as live in a very small 2 bed flat so no way were we gonna be matched for 2 plus. Saying that I wanted to be a mummy and hubby a daddy from day we met we started talking about friends children (blind date couple who set us up). So once we moved forward and made the move to adoption we knew it was gonna be a single.  

This time last year had a phone call from Bubba sw saying she wanted to come for a chat. I instantly put 2&2 together and came to conclusion bm was pregnant.  Well she was but who knows what happened after that as we never heard from her again.  Our sw found out for us 5 months down the line that apparently bm had an early miscarriage.  It doesn't add up still doesn't feel right and I am sure bubba has a sibling in another county close to home. 

I spent that time going to hell and back what was happening.  We were going to rent flat, move in with relatives all a muddle. After that upset we decided that was it and we wouldn't go through it all again. But, I want another one and hubby does as well now. So once we finally move and get settled we will be starting process for little blue widget. 

Know that isn't an answer but thats our story.

A couple of our prep who adopted a sibling group of 2 and now going through the process again for number 3!!! 
Your match will be there I promise ours was and she is my life. If in a few months we decide she couldn't cope with another bubba then I am a happy mummy and will do all I can to make her a happy little girl.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi DIY diva,


My hubby and I went through the who processes saying siblings. I am one of 5 children so knew I didn't want an only child. I am so use to having brothers and sisters I wanted this for our children. We looked at sibling groups but like you they just didn't feel right. We did go for a sibling group but unfortunately their sw went with another couple.    We never ruled out a single child but told our sw that we wanted a big family so if we found a single child would that stop us looking again in a years time. She told us no, when we felt ready we can always look again. Funny thing is we found our son and fell in love. There was no way I would have not gone for him over a sibling group. Also he was only with us 8 weeks when we were asked if we would consider taking on his cousin who was a little younger? We did say no with a sad heart but needed to think of our son. It was far too early.
3 months on I have to say no I have not thought about not going for siblings. I am enjoying spending much for waited time with our little boy. I know if we had gone for siblings then it would have meant sharing me and hubby. But now our lo has us all to himself. For a year or so. Then maybe we will again fall in love with a brother or sister for him to grow up with.  


Good luck xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks ladies sw is looking national have seen profiles from a variety of places. I hope others experiences are different but we were told a match would be easy and quick as they cry out for sibling adopters.  However we realised quite quickly after approval this wasn't true and asked sw about it who confirmed it. There are lots of sibs but they tend to complications and issues that mean they  are hard  to place it isn't that they are siblings it's that they are very complex kids. 

Thank you for your thoughts all experiences are helpful for dh and I to discuss x xc


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

We were original approved for up to 3 siblings and because we wanted children aged 5+ had an enormous number of profiles to look at, so much so that our SW had to put a hold on us being sent anymore. We were heavily involved with a sibling group of 3 before we were approved, then just after we were approved our sons profile landed on our doorstep, we had never looked at single children but there was just something that drue us to him, also once approved the reality of taking on 3 heavily traumatised children was being to become a very scary reality. Their SW was pushing really hard, after a long talk hubby and I decided that taking on 3 at once would just be to much so decided to withdraw from them, we were then told that they'd had a sibling assessment done and it was decided that they shouldn't be placed together and we were asked if we would be still interested in the 2 older children, we couldn't do it though as we felt we would always feel guilty for not taking the younger one.

Have to say having had our son home 4 years we would never have survived  taking on 3 at once, and are so glad we have been able to concentrate on him. We did always know though that having taken on only 1 that we would go through the process again for another one, the one thing we did not anticipate though was having a child who has such sever attachment problems, ADHD and so many traits for other things, was how long it would take us to get through the process again and even if we would be able to do it again because of his issues. The one thing we have always had to put 1st was wether it was the right thing to do for him, we have had to put the process on hold several times when things have blown up here, the one thing though is that all the professionals that we have involved in our lives and there are a few have all agreed that they think that having a younger sibling will actually benefit him, so with that in mind we are very much looking forward to bring our new daughter home in the New Year.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey Diva,

I'm glad you've been able to have a nice Xmas.

I know I've shared our story with you but I hand on heart do not regret being a family of three. We may go through the process again (ideally concurrency as I'd like a decent age gap) and now having little man home the process doesn't feel that bad. I've looked in that other thread as we've (DH & I) been talking what ifs recently and I must admit I just don't share the views. I'm not sad my little man is growing up and right now he lives being babied even though he's able. It's like he knows we missed out on a lot and loves mummy being his world. I may change my view when he's at school but i know some still have those thoughts/feelings after no 3 or 4 so the Q really is are they in love with the baby stage as such or just wanted more children. No judgement but just saying I don't feel either if they ways.

I couldn't love my little man anymore than I do and feel he fits our family so perfectly that he was meant to be. I still have pangs for a little girl but I'm close to my friends LG who gives me weekly kisses & cuddles and satisfies my pink craving.

Either way I know if have no regrets but I did have to think hard pre linking as there will be no sibs from his bio family. Do you think you could open up your searches to single profiles too and see if any pull you towards them? That may give you your answer especially as when you talk to child's SW you will know more about bio family and likelihood of the future.

One worry I had with sibs was what about no 3/4 would I be able to say no as 2 was our maximum and I know that is right for us.
X x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

We were in a very similar position around approval; we wanted two children close in age, but young, and with relatively few problems by adoption standards, also some specifics about gender and age spread and we were told that our application had been rushed to panel because they had two sets of siblings both of whom they thought we would be suitable for and vice versa, but both were matched shortly before we were approved.  At that point we were told that actually, given the specifics, we may be better off if we also considered one young child where the possibility of another was high.  In the end we were linked with Wyxling who was 19 months at placement, and whose b/m was around 6 months pregnant when Wyxling was placed.  We were expecting to have sibling at around 4-6 months, in the end it was 10. 

When we thought that we were no longer going to be having sibling we were devastated because we had known about this baby for so long, and thought he was going to be coming to us, been told he would be coming to us as long as we wanted him many times, and it just felt like he was already "ours" by the time we were approved again.  The LA involved basically changed their mind on a whim, and after saying we'd be going to matching panel asap after we were approved, the day after approval came back via our SW and told us that they were not even going to talk to us, but instead would use in-house adopters for Bladelet and the next sibling (b/m was pregnant again at that stage, although that pregnancy didn't go to term).  They wouldn't even come and talk to us to discuss him, and it took 3 months and a huge fight for us to get them to come and talk to us with a Manager involved, at which point they decided actually they would place.  

But, I think for us, a lot of the upset was that this was a specific child we had started to feel ownership of, albeit prematurely, because of the situation and information we'd been given.  That aside, there was also the element of we didn't want to wait another couple of years to be assessed again, and then go back for a biologically unrelated child.  We also, quite honestly, had completely had our fill of Social Services and the vast amount of bull**** we'd been given by them, and just didn't them in our lives again.  However, I think once we'd calmed down and got over that, we would have gone back to be reassessed again in the future for a sibling.

I think for me the big concerns I would raise about adopting one and counting on a sibling are:

1. The LA don't have to place with you, all they have to do is inform you and consider you;
2. You might not feel it's right for the child with you to take another soon;
3. The next child may come along with more difficulties due to parental lifestyle than you realistically want to take on, and that can leave you with an incredibly difficult choice when you're dealing with a biological sibling of your own child;
4. You may not get the gender you are hoping for;
5. They're strangers when the second comes home, and if the gap in placement and age isn't that big, it's just really hard to make that work.

However, I do think there are advantages to doing it that way as well:

1. You get time on your own with the first child to help them attach to you, and to get to know each other;
2. Having one to start with is a much gentler introduction to parenting for those who haven't done it before - I honestly don't know what I'd have done with Wyxling plus a sibling given her problems at the time she first came home;
3. You get time after the first child to consider whether a sibling is viable, and whether you still want that so soon after you've actually done it;
4. You can get on with your lives and stop living "on hold";
5. You will almost certainly get more time to enjoy both children while they are young.  

Not that simple of course, but I think that sums up most of by biggest things, and the things I'll be thinking about when it comes to no 3.  

I think I would like a third child, it's certainly a possibility to keep open for me, but hubby is more cautious.  I certainly wouldn't consider another until Wyxling and Bladelet are properly settled and in full time education, because if we do have another I want to be able to give that child all the time they need and still give my children what they need.  I suspect that b/m will have another child soon, and another, and another.  I don't think we would go back to be assessed again unless there was a biological sibling, and I certainly won't be looking at the next one, or probably the one after that.  But it's not unheard of for adopters to take 1 and 2, then for the next children go to a different family, and then maybe take a younger sibling later on, so I'm keeping my mind open.  I think if in 6 or 7 years we were approached about another baby, the child had no significant known problems and we were financially able, I could see us adopting again, especially if it was a girl.

If you want to chat more, then please do get in touch. 

All the best whatever you decide.

Wyxie xx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Sending you big hugs. This part is so, so hard and the waiting definitely makes us question whether we should change the goal posts so that we get matched quicker.  Our sw asked us whether we would still say no to a child with foetal alcohol because there is a young baby girl ready to go but who is displaying all the signs of it.  My initial reaction was OMG, a young bay girl, we can deal with anything so just say yes because I am so desperate for a match, but I knew in my head we would only be saying yes so that we were matched, rather than because it was the right child for us.  If you and dh feel siblings are what you really want and can cope with, stick to your guns.  If you had been shown the right profile by now, would you have been questioning your choice for siblings over singley? I guess what I'm trying to say (badly!!) is don't change what you are looking for just because of the waiting, only change if that is the best thing for you and your family.


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

You know my thoughts on siblings and I know that I am incredibly lucky to have found ours, the siblings waiting must be far less now than were! 

But I just wanted to add, and I know this makes me sound greedy....but for me the 'yearning' for another/sibling doesn't go away even with siblings!!!! I always wanted two (either separately or together) but I would love another and will definitely go through the process again in the future. 

I would suggest that if you want a big family that you may feel like this too...and that a sibling group may come up in the future.

A friend of mine adopted siblings the same age as ours and she feels the same as me!

Good luck x x


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

I had always imagined having a big family, lots of children and a busy household and would have been in my element with 3-4 children! However, I didn't meet my now hubby til I was nearly 35 & as we didn't started TTC until I was 37 the realisation of having a big family started to slip away - even if we had conceived straight away. Fast-forward 4 years, hubby and I 40 & 41 and the heartache of TTC/IVF has bought us closer together in a way I wouldn't believe could have happened. He is simple the most important thing in the world to me & my rock. We are in a position to have a sibling group of 2-3 & could have coped, but during our HS we decided this would have a huge impact on our relationship, which we aren't prepared to risk. So we go to panel next month with the recommendation of 1 child under 3 years old. I no-longer have that dream of a big family and for the past four years hubby and I have talked about how lucky we would be if we were a family of 3  

I would say go with your heart and dreams as you don't want to go through the next few years 'what if or if only '    Xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you all for your amazing responses me and DH have read and discussed each one. 

The main conclusions we have come to are (unfortunately a lot in the air still)

1. We don't see ourselves doing the multiple adoptions route in reality siblings from different BM's would ultimately see us in 8 years time with toddler number 3 and this is simply something we simply don't see for us. For various reasons. Selfish as this may sound we don't want to spend numerous years continuing to live out of kilter with everyone we love. We want to be going through life with our friends and family if that makes sense. We've had enough isolation. There are numerous other reasons behind this too. 

2. I think the point about the baby stage fixation is a very good one and one I hadn't considered. There are a number of people we know who have more children then they really want because of this I think. This is not and never has been a big pull for me and DH we are toddler people for sure. When we first started trying to become a family many moons ago DH commented that he was excited for a child / toddler not a baby. 

3. The risk element with subsequent siblings round in utero exposure and level of need is a massive issue / concern. It's not a deal breaker but is a huge point of consideration. People can say there is always uncertainty but not on the same level as comes with drug addiction and heavy alcohol consumption in pregnancy. 

4. I also think I will probably be a 'greedy adopter' and a sibling group of two will probably still leave me wanting more. However it's working out the difference between wanting more and still feeling a void I guess   . I'd probably always fancy the idea of more as long as there was an empty chair at the dinner table   . However it definitely wouldn't be a void and as my table extends to 3m definitely not realistic or practical to fill it   . 

So much food for thought can't thank you all enough x x x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Haha love the comment re your dinner table. Point 4 sums me up I'm not missing anything at all but I think we have love & commitment to extend to another LO when we feel time is right whenever that may be. I don't necessarily feel a need to fill more like a nice to have.

Your reasons esp no 1, were what clinched it for me as I felt us holding out for the right sibs was taking us longer to be one parents. My lil guy fits right amongst our best friends youngest two (and likely to end up in school class with one of them in village). 

Good luck it's definitively not easy when you've had fixed views or been led to believe something. I think I recall you saying that you intended giving up work?? If that's so remember that will no doubt be very appealing to children's SWs where their is a strong possibility of BM having another (although I agree with Wxyie's comments if BM moves or children's SW change mind for other reasons out with your control).

X x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Lol Gertie I  should have bought a smaller table   . Glad people understand the value I place on bringing  our children up with family and friends.  Was worried it would sound petty when written down but these things cement or distance a lot of friendships I honestly think and IF distances you from everyone so much we are enjoying gradually getting more involved with friends again and want to keep that going.  It's important for us as a couple x x x


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## Greeniebop is a mummy (Jan 17, 2010)

We adopted a single and 5 months on there have been chats between DH and I about whether or not to adopt again. To be totally honest I am so torn. Munchkin is amazing and pretty perfect in every way so I flit from thinking a sibling would be lovely for her as she came from a busy FC to would it be too much for her to contend with, could we be this lucky again etc. SW visited earlier this week and asked thoughts on future adoptions, BP still together and hav asked what would happen if they had another. We have basically said if a birth sibling came along we would def seriously consider as we'd want them together but it would have to be right for munchkin. As for another adoption....we really don't know. It is an incredibly emotive subject and we are so conscious of it all coming tumbling down if we make the wrong decision for munchkin. 

Sure that doesn't help in anyway but actually feel like a weight has been lifted verbalising it all.


Good luck x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Greenie - that's the emotions I emphasise with. 
I've been thinking a lot and one lasting thought I have is would I be unfulfilled/feel cheated in anyway had Tx worked and I only had one child and did not have more tx/adoption and I liken that Q to would I feel the same had I had a boy/girl when I really wished for a girl/boy and as that would have been fate then I feel they are similar. Thus I feel this was my path and if we adopt again it will have meant to be & I don't feel anythings missing for me. Iykwim ;-~


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

I think when it comes to adoption you do have to put away some of your ideas about your dream family - and I do believe you have to grieve for the birth family that you can't have, before being able to move on and accept an adopted child.  

I definitely had a dream family of at least 2-children - however, this was never going to happen naturally and adoption was my only option to be a parent.  I think any choice about the number of siblings should be based on the resources you have and how you think you will cope in a worst case scenario.  

I personally felt quite strongly that it would be incredibly hard to fully meet the needs of more than one child at a time - having birth twins can be incredibly difficult and you are at increased risk of depression and the potential needs of two adopted children are likely to be much greater.  I think you also have to be careful about possible trauma bonds in siblings and that it is not always in the best interests of siblings to be adopted together - and that the sibling rivalry might be more extreme, which will make things more difficult and possibly won't be the dream family life you hoped for.  

I'm really glad that we decided on just one.  Even though it has been hard, it has also been lots of fun and we've really had the time and energy to concentrate on his needs and attachment to us.  I've been thinking about whether we will adopt again - but at the moment, I'm just happy to have one child who appears to be doing incredibly well.  It's not my original dream, but it is still lovely.  Most of the evidence also suggests that only children usually do well and don't feel like they are missing out and are usually good at making friends - most of the things people say about only children being lonely, having poor social skills etc., are not backed up by any evidence

Saying all this, if you have lots of energy, lots of room, a good support network, are financially secure and can cope if you are not able to return to work - then adopting siblings might be right for you.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Nancy I am very fortunate and do have all the things listed in the final paragraph.  I am not retuning to work regardless of number we are comfortable on dh salary for ever if needs be. I have a big supportive family close by and our house has plenty of space x x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Just one more thing that occurred to me, which is that I think another factor is age.

When we applied to adopt I already felt old to be a Mum, although I knew that in adoption terms I was quite young.  But the thought of starting it all again in a few years time and being in my late thirties or early forties by the time we got to number two was not something that I liked.  I think if I'd been 5 years younger, I'd have felt a little differently about it.  

Regarding separation from friends and family etc, I think family either get it or they don't.  If they do get it, and they respect your wishes regarding how they treat your children, and can be flexible about meeting up arrangements, then you can start to see them fairly early on in placement and it doesn't have to be a major "cut off" for you.  If they don't get it, sadly, it may well be a longer term issue which you have to deal with over a number of years anyway.

We have close friends who've been absolutely brilliant when both our children were placed, and who we've continued to see fairly regularly bearing in mind we live some distance apart.  We have in fact seem them far more than family over the last year and a half, because we are starting to realise that sadly our family, hubby's in particular, will never get it, even a little bit, they just don't want to.

All the best, whatever you decide.

Wyxie xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Sorry, I haven't raed everything, so sorry if this isn't helpful!  Just wanted to say we were approved for one, adopted one, and want to go back and try for another.  There are no chances of there being a sibling, so we always knew it would be another child if we wanted more - and we do!  We've been told the process is now quicker - four months - for previously approved adopters.

Good luck!


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

All the way through the process weweredeadset on 1. We were approved for one with the intention of considering number 2 in a few years time. Im an only child and hated it. Dh is from a large family and also hated it so are sought of at other ends of the spectrum. We both knew we didn't want 2 together as we both felt  we couldn't  have managed 2 . We def did the right thing for us and our little man. However, we ave now been asked if we would adopt his sibling. For various reasons we have had to say no and although I know this is the right thing to do, it's breaking my heart. Head verses heart and all that! It has totally changed the way I feel about number 2 and has really unsettled me. 

Sorry wants to post more but little man has awoken from his slumber xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks aoc, flash and Wyxie.  I agree with you Wyxie afe is a big thing like you I am considered young in adoption terms but dh and I do feel young kids when I am late thirties and he's early forties isn't for us. Which is one of a number of things putting us off the multiple singles route even though approval is quick the gaps to feel it's best for lo would make it a long haul . Flash your feelings are one of my worries about the future pregnancies will it be the right time for existing lo - so much to consider . Thank you again all the stories and experiences help me and DH chew stuff over even if we aren't finding answers quickly xxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Big hugs Flash - I know I would be heart broken too but you have little Flash to put first. I must admit its the one thing I worry about if we adopted a non genetic sibling as I know we couldn't really have more than 2 as we have friends with 2+ BC and know how chaotic it feels and we only help out. 

Good luck AoC & that's great anout the shorter time since you've done it before (and rightly so).
X


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Just adding that like Wyxie, our ages when we adopted the 1st time was a big factor in us wanting to adopt siblings, I was 44 and hubby 48 when our son came home, we are now 48 and 52 bring our second child home, that was why we wanted children 5+ in the 1st place, this time we started off saying 4-6 yrs because if our ages and the gap needed between the 2, our SW got us to drop it to 3 yrs then at AP the panel asked us to consider dropping to 2-6 yrs, have to say we were very surprised at the amount if interested we had from SW looking to place the younger aged children, we thought because of our ages they wouldn't be interested in us but they were, think because of our experience with our son.


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

DIY Diva said:


> Thanks Nancy I am very fortunate and do have all the things listed in the final paragraph. I am not retuning to work regardless of number we are comfortable on dh salary for ever if needs be. I have a big supportive family close by and our house has plenty of space x x


It sounds like you're in a great position. The only other thing I would add is to adopt siblings if it is the right thing for you - and not because of any worries about an only child being lonely or because of a hope for a strong and positive sibling relationship. The relationships between adopted children can be incredibly complicated and are often not positive relationships - and it might be impossible to recreate the type of sibling relationships you have in your family


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Remember that you'll need to fit your children's friends round the dinner table too! (and cousins/grandparents)

We knew we'd be adopting one, or twins, as we were adopting from overseas.  I always thought we'd adopt again, and we are just starting the process for another singleton.  We are not completely sure where this application will take us for rather complicated reasons, but for me I have always wanted a second child (but no more than that) and hubby has always been a bit less sure, probably because I have one sibling, my sibling has 2 children, all my cousins bar one family come in twos as do their children, my mum is one of two - only my dad is one of five! But hubby is an only and always saw the advantage in that.

In a way I'm glad we waited because we know more about what little boy needs and how he'd cope with a younger sibling. But I still want to have one more and I already know I don't want any more than that.  I have promised I won't ask, either (should I change my mind)


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Love that you've been made to promise not to ask if you change your mind Spouses. It's an interesting thing isn't it people often paint a picture of being an only child as lonely but I have met as many only children who feel how your DH does as ones that desperately wanted siblings through out life.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I have to be honest and say that one of the reasons I have always wanted more than one child, is because I was an only child and my childhood was very lonely.  Although in reality I know that a lack of a sibling wasn't really to blame for this, I still feel strongly about wanting more children, and wanting them to be close enough in age to provide companionship for each other.

Having said that, just two have almost driven me to locking myself in my bedroom with wine and chocolate today.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hope they're in bed and you are on the wine and chocolate now Wyxie
x x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

As luck would have it, this afternoon I found a box of Belgium truffles someone got us for Christmas.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Perfect x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I love Christmas for all the, "huh, I forgot we had these," chocolate moments....


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

DIY Diva said:


> Love that you've been made to promise not to ask if you change your mind Spouses.


Oh I'm pretty sure if I did change my mind it would be a passing thought with no practicality behind it. So I wouldn't take my own mind seriously at that point!


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