# I'm struggling tonight :(



## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

So as I type my jobless, 25 stone sister in law is holding the baby she gave birth to a few mins ago. I've been ok and generally positive about our unfortunate struggle to conceive but this has killed me. I've already told my husband that I don't want to see her all the baby and he feels the same way. We have never got along, she's always been jealous of us having good jobs and earning good money but now I feel pure hatred towards her because she has the one thing in life I really want. 

I also can't picture myself being pregnant and I'm worried it's because it won't ever happen.


----------



## Tone (Apr 16, 2013)

Sorry you're feeling so bad mrs peach. Unfortunately these feelings of hate are so common on this journey. I too never could picture myself pregnant but I got there in the end after watching everyone else do it and hating so much it nearly killed me.
Do what you think is best for you right now and never ever give up hope cos you will get there. Good luck xxx


----------



## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

Thank you for the reply, I cant wait for today to be over. 

I know its wrong of me to have these feelings towards my sister in law because its not her fault we have these problems. But its just so unfair, we waited until we had been together for 5 years and established a strong relationship before we got married and we decorated every room in the house ready to fill it with children. We both have good jobs and worked damn hard to get them, got rid of our single life cars and brought a new 5 door family car with a boot you could rent out. 

All thats missing is this tiny bfp........


----------



## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Mrs Peach I am in the same boat, or I was....and i soo feel for you hunnie - hugs x 
After 8 years of trying to conceive, we were devastated when we lost our longed for baby, and still reeling from our loss, we received a text message from my Mother in Law to say that my sister in law had accidentally become pregnant, but she didn't want to tell me face to face, as it'd be upsetting for everyone.

It was evident from day one that the baby wasn't planned nor wanted, she drank, smoked and moaned through her entire pregnancy and my loathing for her just hit an all time high - we were grieving for the loss that she was now taking very much for granted.

Now, after a 15 year wait to fulfill our dreams, I finally became a Mother myself and the overwhelming love and nurturing I felt toward my beautiful precious little princess made my loathing of my sister in law even more unbearable....

She works part time, doesn't pick her child up from school, doesn't attend parents evenings, and doesn't see her son from Friday morning to Sunday night.  

I work full time and every spare minute is family time, yet I'm the one who gets criticism (indirectly from my Father in Law) for 'running back to work'.  I work hard and we therefore enjoy nice little holidays, weekends away, regular treats and I cherish the time I spend with my family.

Whereas my sister in law will take her married lover and her son away for an odd night or weekend, and then the two of them will sod off to spain and drink themselves daft for 2 weeks.

It's just not fair.

Never give up hope darling, my old school friends were becoming grandparents, but we too got there eventually. 
Hugs
Sheila


----------



## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

Thank you Sheila, how dare your Father in law say that?! 

We always get criticised for my in laws for not being able to attend family get to to gethers but we both work 12 hour shifts in the NHS so what do they expect. I always do overtime too .....I'm trying to earn an extra £400 a month to pay for treatment. 

And if it comes down to working to get my baby or pretending to enjoy myself with them lot id rather be at work.  

xx


----------



## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

Mrs Peach your life mirrors mine, you do everything in the right way and then the plan doesn't come together as you hoped? We have been together 5 years, married 18 months ago, have the good jobs, house, nice holidays, and my sister has always been jealous of what I have, she stopped talking to me after I got married, and made it very clear it was because I got married first, then this year she fell pregnant with a guy she's been with 3 months prior to this happening, sickens me! My dad I have not heard from though he knows I am in the middle of IVF, he is too busy with my pregnant sister, know one seems concerned she's having a family with someone she barely knows, grrrr. So I totally understand your pain, but you know what we are just going to have to work harder to achieve our dream of a family, and when it happens for us, it will mean so much more than it does to those who just have it at a click of a finger!

I too cant imagine being pregnant, and I am halfway through IVF, but you have to try and tell yourself it will happen, we have to believe it, I honestly think if you have the positive mind it does help you achieve your dream. I have shut out everyone around me while I am going through this who bring negative energy, my sister, one of my closest friends who got pregnant accidently, when she smokes and drinks and already has 3 kids, I just don't need this right now. You should focus on you and your DH and doing what it takes to achieve your dream and cut out the negatives right now, you don't need it! xx


----------



## Dallydoll (Aug 19, 2010)

Hugs peach, have been there!
Practically same situation. I remember when DH told me his sister was pregnant again after a one night stand and I cried so much I couldn't go to work the next day, I was heartbroken and exhausted, she also moaned the entire pregnancy and even once said don't ever get pregnant. The constipation is horrendous   I just smiled and said I'd bear that in mind,  however the baby was born and yes it was hard but we feel in love with him, now I know she loves her children but I think she would give anything to have the stability we have. Keep believing and wishing you all the very best in the future, it will get better xxxxx


----------



## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your replies it's welcoming to know you all understand and don't think im the biggest ***** in the world.  the worst if it is why do I keep looking at her ******** page?! Grrr!


----------



## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

[email protected]#c!!


----------



## Dallydoll (Aug 19, 2010)

It's as it we like to torture ourselves! I used to hide people's news feeds then constantly  search for them! Xxx


----------



## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

MrsPeach - you do what you have to do to achieve your dream - and I'm soo with you Teamonkey - going through treatment is hard enough and a too am a firm believer in a positive mental attitude....you definitely need to protect yourself from negativity. 

MrsPeach - work every hour god sends hunnie, if it gets you that little step closer a little bit sooner - on the day I got my bfp (after my first ever icsi) - I received a wonderful poem...and it's soo true: 

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought,
without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love
their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have
read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this
child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are
those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I
will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound
of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I
am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take
another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying
for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this
insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child
that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God
leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better
wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister
because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have
been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood
tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in
order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in
theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I
have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only
comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.


----------



## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

Aww thank you and I really hope I will be a Mummy. X


----------



## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

Mrs Peach - big hugs to you. I feel your pain, it's unbearable I know. My sister in law is having her 3rd baby on Monday. When I found out she was pregnant I cried non stop so much that I almost hyperventilated and had to call hubby to calm me down because I almost had a panic attack I was so upset. Please don't give up hope though, your time will come - I could never imagine myself pregnant either and just thought it would never happen to me, but I am now 10 weeks pregnant after our second round of IVF. It is so unfair that we have to endure all of this, and people around us 'fall' pregnant like its as easy as anything. I think the journey we've been on will always be with us and I can totally relate to that poem. It's just hard to feel that way at the moment, but you will get your longed for baby and it will all be worth it and you will cherish him/her more than anything in the world. 

Hang in there xxxxx


----------



## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

Thank you sickofwaiting and congratulations on your bfp! 

I just feel like I'm being punished for doing everything right and waiting till we were ready...sign


----------

