# Advice needed



## C0nfused (Apr 13, 2007)

Hi! Please forgive me as I'm new to the board and very nervous. 

My partner and I have been together for over five years now and we are getting married later this year. He had the snip 7 years ago because his then wife asked him to as she wanted to come off the pill, then whilst he was waiting for the op she chucked him out. For some reason he went through with the op and now regrets it. 

We want to have a child but money is tight and after reading various posts on here I'm thinking that it would be a waste of time and money trying for a reversal, as the chances of it working is little to none. 

I'm thinking that the best idea is to go straight to using a donor but don't know where to start. I know we should talk to our GP but I kind of feel that going to discuss our options with the GP is kindof wasting their time which could be better spent treating people who are ill. 

We are also unsure of the costs of going down the donor route. Any advice/info would be very much appreciated. 

Thank you.


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## Midgey (Mar 20, 2006)

Hi Confused
You might get some useful advice on the Male Infertility site I've seen quite a few discussions there about the pros and cons of a reversal.

My husband had the snip before he met him and had it reversed 13 years later which for a reversal is a very long time.  The subsequent sperm samples that have come back have been excellent. In fact we delayed going to see the Dr for 2 years thinking that my husband was the problem when in fact it turned out to be me!  

I'm not an expert but I also believe that there are other ways to retrieve sperm from a man who has had a vasectomy - but as I say you may find this on the Male Infertility boards.

Hope others are able to advise as well

Midgey


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## C0nfused (Apr 13, 2007)

Thanks Midgey.

I have had a look and from the threads I read through, not one seemed to say that the reversal had been a success, which is why we have decided not to do that. And due to my partners age and as he does drink and smoke, a donor would probably be our best option, which is why I posted here as we know little/nothing about it.


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## sweetcaroline (Aug 20, 2004)

Hi Confused,

It might be worth looking at the ICSI boards first as I know some couples have had SSR - surgical sperm removal - after vasectomy and have been able to conceive via ICSI (when a single sperm is injected into the egg, otherwise the procedure is much like IVF), when a reversal has failed.

The downside of ICSI is that it's very expensive and many couples do go straight to donor insemination but the plus side is obviously that you and your partner would have the chance of having a child that is genetically both of yours.

I'm in the Channel Islands so don't really know about costs where you are but I do think it's worth seeing your GP to discuss the options.

All this to consider and a wedding to plan as well - you must be very busy! Don't be nervous about asking anyone anything, everyone is very friendly and supportive here and when you start out it seems like everyone is an expert on infertility!  You kind of become one, but we were all new to it once so don't ever think a question is silly or too obvious!

Caroline x


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## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

Hi Confused,

If you're just wanting to go for regular donor sperm inseminations then there are two routes you can take. One is through a clinic where the costs will vary though generally won't be cheap and you'd be likely to have something of a wait for sperm as the supplies are so low. The main advantages of this route are that the sperm is thoroughly tested for any transferable diseases and that your partner would be the legal father of any child conceived without any chance of a donor turning up and wanting paternity. (Although as you're probably aware any child would be able to trace their donor once they reached 18.) I don't know much more about this route having not used it myself, but there are others on here that have and I'm sure they'll be able to give you more information.

The other option which is often quicker and cheaper but less legally secure is to use a known donor. This is the option we used and we found our donor through one of the gay parenting forums. There are other sites that list sperm donors, the most useful of which these days seems to be Sperm Donors Worldwide (the link to their UK section is here: http://www.sperm-donors-worldwide.com/free_sperm_donations_listings.htm#uk) There's a small subscription fee but it does give you access to the contact details of the potential donors so you can get in touch and begin to see how you might 'fit'. The obvious issues with a known donor are those of health/safety. You need to make sure you see recent STI/HIV test results and you then need to trust that he's not going to do anything that might expose him to something nasty while he's donating to you. We stopped using our first donor when he told us he planned to start having unprotected sex with his girlfriend and although we trusted him we didn't feel we knew her well enough to trust her, and that meant it had to end. The other medical test it's worth having is his sperm count. Not all donors have this - for our first donor we paid for him to have it done as it was really important for us, for obvious reasons, to know we were getting 'the good stuff'.

The other consideration is that from a legal perspective, even if you don't put your donor on the birth certificate he could always turn around and claim paternity later on. Equally, you could chase him for child support, so there needs to be a lot of trust all round. If you have a look on the 'ask a lawyer' section of this site I recently asked about maternity/paternity pay and in Natalie's response she also talked about the benefits of having some kind of contract drawn up. Although it's not legally binding it does serve as evidence of intent and should anything unpleasant from the legal side of things happen further down the line it would illustrate where you both came from at the time.

So basically, if you plan to use a known donor you need to be sure you can trust him, rather a lot. Our donor put us in touch with other people he'd already donated to and they all had only good things to say which put our minds at rest a little, and of course, we spent time getting to know him ourselves as well before we went ahead. As it is, it took us so long to conceive we now know him rather well so the fact that we got on well from the start really helped.

As for the practicalities, he'd come round two evenings a month at our fertile time, stay for a cuppa (he had a 90 minute drive each way to get to us) and a chat, then go upstairs, do his thing, and leave us to it. We'd then go up and find his sample waiting for us in a sample pot, we'd draw it up into a syringe and insert it. The person being inseminated would have a pillow under their bum to give a better tilt and we'd do it last thing at night so they could stay in bed to give the sperm the best chance to swim up. We'd use a new, sterile sample pot and 5ml syringe each time (you can buy them in bulk from online medical supply places really easily) and always aimed to get the sperm inseminated within 30 minutes or so of ejaculation. It can apparently last for over an hour outside the body but obviously, the longer its out the more will die off.

If you're not aware of the multitude of ways you can work out what your fertile time is there are many threads on here that explain it all better than I could, and I've already written something of an epic. If you're not used to doing it it's worth charting your cycles for a while before you start inseminating so you get to know them inside out. It'd be a waste of your and the donors time if you were to be trying at the wrong time.

Anyway, I hope this has been of some help to you!

Good luck,

Gina.

PS. As it happens, our donor also drinks and smokes, but his sperm count is still higher than average so although it can make a difference to some it clearly doesn't to all.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Hi confused
I am using a known donor who is a friend and offered to help, Gina has given you a comprehensive reply. I am a single women, not in a relationship, he is a gay man in a partnership.
My friend offered his sperm to me, we both had STI tests (free via GIM clinics) and then tried inseminating at home and then turned to a clinic (I self referred myself), we then had a sperm analysis and found he had a low count- despite a non smoking, drug free and limited alcohol lifestyle.

As a known donor via a clinic he has no legal responsibility and cannot claim to be the father if conceived as a known donor through a clinic. You do have to wait 6 months for quarantine before you can start though.

A known donor who is a friend or family member might be an avenue you want to explore either via home or clinic route.  Using a known donor via a clinic is more expensive (by about 2000 pounds) as they need additional tests/storage etc

Good Luck
L x


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## C0nfused (Apr 13, 2007)

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. Everyones so friendly here its great!


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