# Egg donation - Do I tell my friends and family?



## Gemsie (Sep 9, 2012)

Hi

Yesterday my 3rd and final round of  ivf failed as there were no eggs to retrieve. I have been told that my best chance to have a baby is ED. firstly I am struggling to come to terms with giving up on my own eggs but just how many times do you keep trying and watch the money running out especially as I need to make sure I have enough money left for egg donation!

My question is should I be telling family and friends about my fertility issues? We have been married for almost 3 years and whenever someone has asked me about children I have just been putting them off and saying that the time isn't quite right. The only people that know about IVF etc is my mum, dad and best friend, I have kept it secret from my brother and sister and the rest of the family including all of my DH family.

As time goes on I am going to keep getting more questions so what do I say and most importantly do I tell them about egg donation or if I do conceive through ED do I just say it was regular IVF or a natural miracle. I don't want ED to be like a big dirty secret but I am not sure I could cope with wondering what people are Thinking when looking at my baby.

Also any suggestions or recommendations on where to be considering for treatment abroad would be gratefully received. I was fully in control and knew what I was doing with IVF but now feel lost and don't know what to think or where to begin with the next stage of my journey 

Sorry for all the questions my head is spinning

Gemma xx


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## dingle123 (Jun 16, 2010)

Gemsie,

This is such a personal decision. I am donating eggs and have chosen not to tell family.

I guess it comes down to the fact whether you intend to tell your future child how they were created? I will say this...it may feel like right now that family and friends will question/ponder when given the information that your child is the product of donor eggs....but I bet when the baby is in your arms/breast fed by you/dropped off to first day at school...no one will cares out genetics.

 xx


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## Gemsie (Sep 9, 2012)

Dingle123

Thank you for your speedy response, this site is great that when you feel you are alone with your thoughts you aren't and there are great people like you with words of encouragement just when you need it.

Also on behalf of many women looking at ED on this site can I say what a wonderful thing you are doing donating your eggs to help people just like me became a mum and have a chance to have a family. 

Thanks again.

Gemma xx


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## DaisyBunny (May 5, 2012)

I agree with Dingle.....this is such a personal decision.    We're following the ED route and after much talking and lots of soul searching, we have pretty much decided that we won't tell. For our family situation, we feel this will work best for us and hopefully   any future children. However, there are so many people on this forum that have gone down the 'telling' route because for them being honest and open is the best way forward for their situation. Take your time for everything to sink in, look at all the advice out there and most of all talk and talk some more with your DH and you'll find the right path for you. I personally feel, there is no right or wrong direction with this as long as you try and see all angles and make yourself as informed as you can be. Take care xxx


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## dingle123 (Jun 16, 2010)

No problem - I am finding this site invaluable....and there is always someone online at any hour! 

I am sure the many lovely ladies who have conceived with de will be along soon with their advice and experiences.

Xx


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## dingle123 (Jun 16, 2010)

....and to echo what DaisyBunny has said: there is no right or wrong direction..


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Gemma- I have egg shared-donated 1/2 my eggs, but I am looking into the future and possibly donor sperm and donor eggs if our next cycle ends the same as our previous cycles. I already feel your dilemma! Like u a select few know about treatment, but to tell them about DS or double donation really depends on if we would tell our child, in this country it is recommended that you do tell any child, but its a talk me and DB would have to have should we need to go down that route. 

I am looking at reprofit in brno czech republic, prices compaired to here are great! But to fly direct you need to fly from standstead (flights not expensive) and you'd need to be there for around 7 days. Xx


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## Gemsie (Sep 9, 2012)

Thank you ladies for your responses.

My initial thoughs are that I don't want friends and family to know but I would want to tell the child at some point so I guess I need to think about the consequences from both sides!

I have a review meeting following my failed cycle this Friday with my consultant and I know he has links with a fertility centre in Cyprus so I am going to do my homework before then as I don't want to feel I should go with Cyprus just because of his link to it as I am sure he will be benefitting financially and so want to make sure it is the right place for me and not his pockets! 

Hoping - what are the top things you are looking for when considering a fertility centre abroad? I am guessing success rates and price but what else should I be mindful of?

Thanks again ladies

Xxxx


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Gemma- firstly, I emailed a few clinics, had a nosey at their websites pricelists etc. I asked how long we would need to be in the country. Somewere 21 days which unfortunatly isn't do able or we would have to pay clinics here for certain scans etc. 

The price, what protocol they suggested and how long we would need to be in the country, and the price of flights, hotel and speaking to people in here who have been to the clinic is what made me choose reprofit, at 1st it worked out around £3,500 but I've added a few extras we would like ie TESE and picsi (we have Male factor) so it works out about £4,200 here it would be much more. Just the drugs we would have to pay for here. 

We haven't got the money at the moment, but it would be the clinic we would choose. 

Everyone is different, but have a look at the clinic threads in here speak to some ladies who have been to these clinics, see how they found the services. 

Good luck  xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

gemsie,
firstly some  it isn't easy facing up to the need for DE and everyone reacts differently. Take your time to work out what is best for you and your DH
you may find this FAQ and the subsquent comments on the thread helpful:
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=256679.0
I wrote it to help anyone thinking about DE and it covers abroad and UK and gives some useful links and things to think about when choosing a clinic etc  
As for telling others, again, very much a personal decision. I am single so initially told the majority of friends/family that I was ttc with donor sperm. When it transpired after many failed cycles that I would also need DE, I did also tell quite a few people about it - it helped me to be able to talk to others when I was working out what to do. I had always intended to tell my child how they were conceived (partly because I felt it was the right thing for us, and partly because I would have had to explain the lack of 'daddy' anyway) so I didn't worry too much about telling others when I was ttc. Now the boys are here I am still 100% open about the sperm donor with others - ie if people ask where their father is. But I don't mention the egg donor. Not because I am keeping it a secret but because I don't see the need for aquaintances etc to know. Later I will tell the boys and when I do, I will also potentially tell key people (eg teachers) if it seems like it would be helpful. We'll see...
One thing I would say is that people won't ask questions or think anything of it whether you tell or not. My mum and sisters (who obviously know the whole story) often forget about the donors and have never treated the boys as anything other than 100% part of the family. The same goes for all my friends. When you carry a baby, give birth to it, and look after it in those early days and weeks, you are unquestionably his/her mother  
People see what they want to see...people who don't know about the egg donor, comment on how much my children look like me or other family members (eg their cousins). They actually don't but as I say, people see what they want to see
Best of luck with your decision, hope the above thread helps,
Suitcase
x


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi Gemsie,

I wasted a couple of years after a natural miscarriage, buoyed by excellent FSH, LH and AMH results, trying naturally before moving on to IVF. I knew that as I was just turned 40 that many of my eggs would be abnormal, but was still pretty optimistic as my hormone levels and number of follicles was far better than was expected for my age. Sadly what no-one could predict was that I really didn't repsond well to the stimulating drugs - the follicles grew but at such a slow rate that even after 18 days on the highest dosage of drugs they could prescribe I only got one egg on each of my cycles. I had one bio-chem and a BFN. I knew that I had given it my very best shot and that there was nothing more I, or my clinic could do. Our family and friends knew about the IVF and when we decided that we would opt for DE I, perhaps naively, told them all about that. Because we didn't have a problem with the idea then I assumed that neither would anyone else who knew us. Fortunately I was right and I have never had a negative reaction. I know that people are different, so others family and friends may feel differently, but I think that part of the reason everyone has been so accepting is because I have been so positive about it all. I know my Mum has proudly told her friends that her grandaughter is even more special because only about 600 children are born in the UK each year thanks to UK donors, and that a very special lady, a total stranger, helped us all to have her. I always knew that we would tell our daughter as I don't have it in me to effectively lie to her for the rest of her life, and because of this I felt that I owed any potential child the maximum amount of information they might want. This meant that we were prepared to spend more, and potentially wait much longer, to have treatment in the UK with an ID release donor. I am so very glad that we did as I now know that she has many genetic half-siblings whom she might want to contact in the future.

Our decisions are the right ones for our family, and we feel the right ones for our daughter. Only you will know what is the right path for you.

Take your time, and maybe seek some counselling, to ensure that you are both 100% committed to taking this new path and fully understand all the implications and options. I know what is like to desperately want a child and was actually glad that I had a few months of waiting to be matched to be absolutely sure that we were doing the right thing. The good news is that waiting lists in the UK are currently very low or non-existent if you decide to opt for an ID release donor, and there are many fine clinics overseas (though with anon donors).

I am sure you will find a way that is right for you as a family.

Good luck,

Caroline


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## Gemsie (Sep 9, 2012)

Hi Caroline

Thank you for your reply and it is so nice to hear happy endings like yours.

I have always been someone who needs to plan ahead and know what I am doing immediately. I think the way I coped with failed ivf cycles was just immediately plan the next and not dwell on the failure. I am already setting up an egg donor file and working out when to begin but my dh says we need to wait a while to think about it. I need certainty and if I don't know what I am doing next and when it will happen i will get upset with the situation. I guess I need something to work towards and look forward to! My dh is worried as just a few days ago I couldn't get my head round not having my own baby and now I am full steam ahead with ED. I think he also just wants to make sure that we are not giving up on our own eggs too soon, as I keep explaining though we don't have a bottomless pit of money to keep trying.

Having thought about telling the child i have decided I would as I don't want it to be like a secret that we are ashamed of as I agree with many ladies on FF that somehow ED makes the child even more special and the lengths we go to for the baby Shows just how much they are wanted and loved. Still not sure i will tell family and friends Although I am sure they would be supportive, they will be shocked that I have been trying to conceive and been through ivf without them knowing.

We will have counselling and I am hoping to arrange it when I have my review meeting with my consultant this Friday.

Thanks again for your kind words and advice.

Gemma


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## Gemsie (Sep 9, 2012)

Suitcase

Congratulations on your twins the fertility journey has some wonderfully happy endings 

Thank you for the link to you FAQ's it is great having so much information at your fingertips. I have spent hours on FF since my failed cycle on Monday it is amazing, I haven't got time to go back to work there are so many more threads I want to read!

The articles on epigenetic have really helped my with coming to terms with ED.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me.

Gemma xxx


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
Glad you're feeling more possitive about things. I'm exactly the same as you - i needed to know i had other options when cycles didn't work and planned the next step.

Re the telling i have been v open. I wanted family and friends to know early so if any of them had issues with it they had time to work out their feelings or be removed from my childrens life before their negative reactions affected them ( as it is it was a moot point - reactions have been overwhelmingly positive). 
I also decided early on i wasn't going to lie about using de so while i dont volunteer the info to every tom dick or harry,  i wont evade any question or lie about it. A lot of people respond very positively to the fact that, like other posters ( sorry on phone so cant read previous posts) i see and portray my use of de as a positive thing. I want my children to be proud of their origins.

With regards to your partner and his view on oe have you considered a tandem cycle? You cant do it in the uk. Here it is advised that you close the curtain on oe tx before starting de tx. 
In a tandem cycle both yourself and a donor are stimmed. Dogus in north cyprus does it. Serum in athens do an oe cycle with a back up donor but i dont know all the details.
For me a tandem cycle let me close the door on oe as i'd had eg premature ovulation and ovarian cysts so didnt feel i'd given oe full chance. plus was compromise as dp v anti de( he's now smitten with our children) . However i also emotionally as well as physically and financially couldnt go through another cycle and not even make it to et. However it does mean you have an anonymous donor which is something you need to consider.

Anyway, all the best and i hope your councilling helps you and dp.

X x


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## Gemsie (Sep 9, 2012)

Hi Mierran

Thank you for your post, and congratulations on your twins.

I haven't heard of a tandoor cycle so will do some investigating. So basically you try to use your eggs but if there are none to collect you use the donor eggs? if that is right it sounds like a great idea.

Me and dh are happy for an anonymous donor intact my husband wouldn't do it any other way. He is worried that I would always be scared of the feeling of rejection if the child wanted to find the donor and to be honest he is probably right, although it sounds wrong to think that way as I am taking away the option for the child and probably thinking more about my own feelings than the childs. Umm there's another one to think about!

Thanks again for giving me another option.

Gemma xxx


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