# Sibling group experiences



## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Just wanted to hear from any of you that have adopted  a 2-3 sibling group. How was the assessment process, did you have to do additional prep, what were the major issues raised etc? We are looking at sibling groups and any advice/ experiences would be really appreciated x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Not placed yet but we are going for siblings and always said we wanted siblings from the first ever visit.  I don't feel we were scrutinised or answered any more questions than friends going for singles.  Just the same life experiences financial etc. Our agency never raised any concerns or comments about siblings rather than singles.  They explored our reasons for our preference but they do that to people with a preference for singles too I think.  Our sw wrote a lovely bit in the sw analysis part of our par saying she believed we wanted siblings because we both have such extraordinarily close relationships with our siblings and wanted our children to have this.  I never thought about it that way but I think she's right.  If you want siblings deep in your heart then go for it is my advice.  Only you truly know what you can deal with and what is right for you.  People pointed out lots of negatives about siblings to me which I am grateful for as its important to be aware however I knew that it's what is right for me and DH x x


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

We wanted sibling 1st time around and were approved for up to 3, I dint think the assessment was any different and as it was we ended up being matched with a singly as he just jumped out up at us and seemed so right, and he really was.

We decided to go for a sibling group from the off because we knew we wanted more than one and because of our ages we didn't want to have to do it again.

Which is what we have done and are now starting intros with our daughter tomorrow. It just seems doing it this way like we have been in the system so long, from 1st applying till now is just over 6 years, we didn't get our AO for our son for a long time as we wanted to make sure his placing LA had things in place for him, we then started the process for no.2 as soon as we had it, so we cannot wait to get our AO for our daughter so that we can have a SW free life!!


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## Becky29forever (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi Phinie35

I'd agree with the others. We have finished our HS and in fact signed off our PAR last night due for approval panel on 26/2. We have said from outset we would like to have two children be that a sibling group now or one followed by another. 

Having been through this process with a friend who only wants a single child, I really do not think it is any different at all. Practically I guess they may look at your space and finances differently, but the assessment appears to be similar in all other respects.

At the end of the day I think that once approved you can choose who seems right for you on the basis of the info they give you, I'm keeping an open mind but if you think you want two then proceed on that basis. Our SW recommend is for sibling group up to 2, that way were approved for that option.

Good luck! Xx

Mini moo - hope your intros go well xx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Just a little point.  How strong are you, how great is your relationship, can you handle rejection? Siblings are not an easy option in real terms. Yes you get it done in one go. I am.also aware that you are asking about the process but I cant not mention how hard it has been for us(and every couple with a sibling group that I know of.) I have been rejected so many times it is not true. Their history does not just go away.  If it was not for my parents living so close and my husband being amazing we would not have sent the adoption order in. Don't get me wrong the joy I feel from one of my children is like fireworks in my chest. He is my world. My daughter however is so tormented by having a new mummy when she still loves the old one(why I don't know because she is beyond awful) that we have constant stress. Yes I love and feel for her but it is not what I imagined. 
Now I am not saying for one moment not to do it, or that its not worth it. In fact don't personalise my thoughts at all, just see it as me giving you an awareness. I would never turn back the clock but if I absolutely had to it would just be one for me. Yes that's our story not anyone elses and I know in a few months  I will feel different. 
I do hope your journey is succesful and you reach your dreams. 
Love 
Fran


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Fran makes some good points here  

It is a personal choice but in all honesty, before you have a child/children placed, it is easy to believe you can take on more than you can.  It's always harder than you expect!  That is not meant to sound patronising, it's just the truth for so many adopters   

If I had my time again, I would hand on heart, go for one child (at a time)    The majority of adopted children benefit from real one to one time, which is not easy with a sibling group.  In addition there is the hightened sibling rivalry and fight for attention which is more manageable with one.  With one child at a time, you really get the time to enjoy the child and develop a strong foundation before/if any further children come along .......   . 

I think it is especially tough if the children have been through trauma together whilst in Care, as you may never get that lovely sibling bond which a lot of us experienced with our own siblings   

All that said, this is my personal opinion only and you have to do what feels right for you.  Everyone is different and every sibling group will be different, some more straightforward than others   

Good luck to all of you and may you all get the child (or children    ) who is/are right for you.

DE
X


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## nw1704 (Dec 2, 2010)

Hi there,
Just thought I'd add our experience. We had two boys under 3 years placed with us last September. They have been real hard work but are so rewarding. They have an amazing relationship and we fortunately seem to have found children that are extremely resilient and have settled well.
Although there are a few issues, on the whole we've been very lucky and I have never regretted taking on two although it is nice when you get to spend time one on one.
We consider ourselves blessed and wouldn't be without them although more sleep would be nice!
Good luck finding your child(ren).
Hugs xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think trauma bonds is very important to consider but from having worked extensively with foster carers the other side of that is that siblings who have been through such difficulties relationship can go the other way and they are incredibly close and have far more amazing and supportive relationships than I have with my siblings.  I can't comment personally but it's something fc have discussed with me professionally as much as damaging ones.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

We have a sibling group but they were placed 4 months apart, with our 11 month old daughter arriving first and our 5 month old son second. When we heard about our daughter, BM was pregnant with our son. They are now 18 months and 7 months old.

Our experience is different in as much as we were incredibly fortunate to have two placed who were both very young on placement - our daughter was just shy of her 1st birthday. However, whilst we do have a young family and have therefore escaped a lot of the problems others faced, having two is still incredibly hard work because both of them are constantly demanding stuff from me all day. My daughter whines, my son screams. Factor in exhaustion and the emotional battering adoption deals you, and even with little'uns like mine you're in for a hell of a ride. We did have some difficult, upsetting fall out when our son was placed too as it clearly triggered my daughter to recall her own foster experiences and being moved and thus made is so hard. She hates social workers now  

I have found having two really, really, really hard. Whilst becoming a mum the first time was emotionally hard, logistically I could cope as it was one on one. Enter my son and suddenly I didn't have enough hands, my daughter wasn't impressed about sharing and my son was scared and unsettled at suddenly being somewhere new and spent much of his time screaming. Everything made him scream and for weeks we couldn't get him to drink his milk without huge battles, do a nappy change, put on a coat or put him in his pram without a prolonged screaming fit. I thought I might have a breakdown to be honest.

That's the negative really.

But to give you the positives, as it's only right to show both sides, it has got tons better with time. They are now very close to each other and to us and it brings me a lot of joy seeing them interact. They both behave well the majority of the time, although if my son is teething or unwell he will cry all day long and I end up being unreasonable with my daughter who is just being a normal toddler because he's wearing me thin. 

I guess the other thing to consider is the strain on your relationship having two/three and how strong you are as a couple because you end up giving everything to the kids and have nothing left for each other. I'm in a strong marriage and we both tell each other that 'right now' is just a season which will pass, we try to talk each evening and are there for each other, but I'd be lying if I said the arguments hadn't increased! With one child hubby could take her out to give me a break but now we have two he finds this much harder logistically and he is as tired as I am by the weekend as he helps me before and after work with them.

I hope this helps along with others responses to give a realistic view of what having a sibling group entails. Long term I'm glad we have done it, but I won't be adopting again!

MummyElf


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

We wanted 2 children when we were assessed.  Our LA don't approve for specific age groups or numbers of children, they just approve, although they may sometimes make a recommendation.

We had two siblings placed around a year apart.  We knew there was another on the way when we had the first and the plan was always to have both.  Our daughter was only 19 months at placement, but was in a complete mess when we brought her home.  Her home life and time in foster care had both been extremely chaotic and the foster carer was ill and struggling.  The handover was awful and the effect on Wyxling was just dreadful.  She was absolutely all consuming for the best part of 8 or 9 months and determinedly single minded in her complete rejection of us.  Her behaviours were very extreme particularly given her age.  In all honesty, I'm not sure I could have managed that and another child.  

We almost didn't have Bladelet because of Wyxling's problems, but things started getting better and so we decided to go ahead.  Placement of Bladelet was insanely difficult.  The first month or two were largely awful.  Wyxling went completely off the rails again, Bladelet was incredibly needy as you'd expect on placement, and balancing both of them was hard.  They really struggled with suddenly being with each other 24/7.  Although there is a real connection between them, they were also strangers, and it was just too much for them.

We're about 8 months in now, and things are much better, I'm really glad we've got them both, but I still have a 3 year old with attachment problems and very controlling and defiant behaviours, who is incredibly Mummy dependent and literally will not give me a moment's peace some days.  But, she's bright, doing well in pre-school (very well, actually, and good as gold there) and behaviour is definitely improving.  My 19 month old is also pretty determinedly Mummy punishing at the moment, and again I get very sulky and defiant behaviour, constantly pushing away when I try to hold him, and incessant slapping/kicking.  I've been passing his behaviours off as within the realms of normal toddler for a few months but it's becoming clear we do have some problems there too.  He is also to some degree Mummy rejecting/punishing and although it's nothing like the level Wyxling reached, it's still hard and balancing two very needy children is difficult.  Their relationship with each other is developing, and Wyxling is very protective of Bladelet and often gets very upset at the idea he is going to be taken back into foster care (although I think this may be in part her voicing her fears for herself through Bladelet which she often does).  She's bossy and overbearing but in a fairly normal sibling way, her problem is definitely with carers.  Bladelet is insanely jealous of Wyxling, however, and I real feel like he is not dealing well with sharing Mummy with her.  They are starting to really enjoy playing together at times, but their play together tends towards the active side, and they really do disregulate each other quite badly.  I'm hoping this may ease as the novelty of chasing each other around/bouncing on things with each other passes.

Overall, it's insanely hard work, and while my husband is great, he barely sees them in the week - just half an hour in the mornings and then usually home in time to put one to bed - so it's me who has to deal with them continually and that is hard and relentless.  They are both so completely demanding, Wyxling in particular is exhausting because I am on constant "reign in" on behaviour to try and stop her disregulating to the point things get out of control and her continual low level defiance is more tiring to deal with than I can explain.  Bladelet's behaviour is upsetting me a lot, and I'm not quite sure why, perhaps just because I'm tired.  I don't really have much support aside from my husband because of various changes over the last 6 months.  Wyxling's problems and the advice we've been given on how to help her have also been badly received by family, and that has really damaged my relationship with my husband's family, who I would have previously expected to be a good source of support.  Being my children's Mum can be very lonely and that does make the tough days really tough.

But, they are both wonderful children and I do think that in time, they will be better off together than they would have been apart.  Wyxling is funny, clever, determined, she just has something about her that most people do not, which I can never quite put my finger on.  Bladelet is basically lovely, despite the problems I am having with him at the moment.  He's a smiley, cheeky, adorable little boy.  Both of them are incredible and when I'm snuggled up with one of them, or if they're playing happily with me, or we're racing through the park, or they're showing me something new, or Wyxling runs up to me with a huge smile when I pick her up from pre-school, I am happier than I ever thought I would be.  Sometimes I really do have to pinch myself; I can still hardly believe that these two little bundles of trouble and joy are my children.


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi

I adopted two children, set out with an open mind but always wanted to be considered for up to children with a view to one then another...but then we saw our childrens profile and knew they were for us.

Our assessment was the same as it would have been for one, our sw said she could see us with one baby then another...because of our age, we are considered young adopters.

Our children we 10 months and 25 months on placement and adopting them together is the best thing I have ever done. Don't get me wrong, it has been hard at times, in an exhausting kind of way but I suspect it would have been similar with one. Dh and I often say that we are very glad we went with two, they love each other so much and have such a strong bond that will be there forever. They keep each other entertained, make each other laugh, they make us smile every day. My dd's come on so much because of her big brother.

Our sibling experience has been amazing, our children are very 'straight forward', so far we have had no real issues...just typical terrible twos. My friend also adopted two, similar ages and says the same!

Only you know what is right for you, We knew our children were for us the second we saw them.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

X


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi I just wanted to add(after an awful weekend) to stick to your guns age and gender wise because we went with mostly what hubby wanted and we should have gone with what I wanted. Our daughter is a little too old and damaged. Cant do anything about it now but muddle on but its hard. Although saying all this I do love them and my son is hassle free so thats a joy. By hassle free I do not mean easy but hes a fairly normal toddler and has very strong attachments to us. My daughter only has attachment with my husband but time will heal. 
Love to you all on this journey! Xx


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for all your replies, and some very lengthy!!! Given me a lot of food for thought and shared with my dh.  
The main trigger for question was my last session where we discussed childcare experience, and mine is pretty extensive (mainly through work but also family) and the stuff dh has he came across really well. We have been told that for 1 or 2 we have more than enough but for 3 we have to go extra mile by getting more experience and got a questionnaire to fill in. Lots of questions have come out of it which I'm hoping to discuss this week, but it has seriously made me doubt myself and question the whole sibling issue.
We have seen a potential link who are adorable and as close a 3 as you could find. It would only be right to question and doubt as being blasé at this stage is dangerous, but we always said we would take up to 3 if our sw and panel felt we could deal with it, now the extra experience isn't going to be easy to squeeze in when we have panel potentially in 2 months and at this stage what would it give us? I am hoping to have nieces to stay again and have offered to spend some time with work colleagues and their children. I'm not sure if I'm feeling pressurised or not, dh has been fully supportive and he feels really disappointed in last sessions outcome. 
Will have to see how today goes.


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