# introducing family



## muminthemaking (Jan 10, 2008)

Hi,
we're 2 weeks from matching panel and discussing introducing family members. My family live quite far away but we're extrememly close and whilst I've done all the reading and seen the recommendations about not introducing family members to early I just cant imagine waiting 2 months as recommended by my sw to introduce my mum and dad. I know much of  the problem lies in that when they come to visit they stay with us, I dont really want to ask them to stay in a hotel, just wondered what others experiences are of this?
Thanks in advance x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hello

Best of luck with Matching panel    Exciting times - We go to panel for our soon-to-be daughter in a few weeks too.

It is a tricky one as yes you want to 'show off' your new baby, but, your childs needs must come first.  When we introduced ds to my parents it was less than 2 weeks after coming home    But, it was only a couple of hours and it was at our house so not too full on, we gradually increased the time they stayed.  With DD we shall probably do similar but maybe not quite so soon. 

In your situation I would certainly be asking my parents to stay somewhere else, your little one will need time to settle and feel secure in thier new home before having a housefull..... perhaps, you could explain things to your parents and give them the choice of waiting a few months to visit or coming sooner but staying elsewhere and explain the reasons for this?  

Good luck


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Well we definitely didnt wait 2 months for anyone to see our child, but what we did do was outside of our home and very very informal. Just a walk in the park/woods etc. we did this with my mum and sis in the first week..they would have BURST with excitement otherwise  But nobody, but nobody, did any intimate care (nappies, feeding etc) or picked up and cuddled for the first few months..i think DD sat on my mums knee at her own request but for v short periods of time and then i would take her back. Anytime we did meet up with someone, we always followed it with a day at home with just me/me and dh, reinforcing that we were her family.
I would agree with wynn, i would ask your parents, hard as it is, to stay elsewhere for a good few visits. you can meet up with them informally of course but i would keep home to just Mummy, Daddy and LO for as long as you can. They might be able to visit the home after a few weeks, depending on the child, but i really wouldnt have them staying over for a good couple of months, possibly more. Its a hard call to make but you have to look at it from the childs perpective first and foremost and its simply asking too much of them to be able to form firm and secure attachements to their new parents whilst introducing to with new faces within their very new and unfamiliar home. To illustrate..imagine the scenario where your child wakes up in the morning and finds a face greeting them..their new grandma, smiling and happy to see them..they kind of know the face but its not who they are used to first thing in the morning these days..this will an EXACT re-creation of the scenario of what happended to them during introductions where you do the early morning visit and get them out of bed...(ditto anything that the child did with you and FC for the first time, bathtime etc)and what happened after that? the child was uprooted from their home and went to live with you! this will undoubtedly unsettle them and shake their bond that they have been starting to make with you..resulting in possible clingy or controlling behaviour etc..they'll be on edge waiting for another move to happen to them. Even quite young babies will be very sensitive to this so dont imagine this would only relate to a child who is more aware, a toddler, say.
you can keep family and everyone involved by round robin email updates and copious amounts of photos..some friends of ours did a little blog for people to read..a nice idea..
just re-iterate to people that you have to be somewhat selfish in the early months, you only have one chance to settle your child securely and theres no point coc*ing it up just for other peoples impatience!!
good luck with panel and enjoy your babymoon 

kj x


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

just to say I totally agree with Keemjay. It is very important. I am sure family will understand. Friends of mine who adopted whose family lived way up north (them being in London), did a lot via Skype in the first weeks before a first actual visit. We waited 3 weeks and kept visits very short, to couple hours and always always followed with couple days of quiet family time. We then built this up. And no-one picked up or cuddled or anything for about 3 - 4 months.....it was hard but its proved to be very rewarding as our two are now very settled.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

I agree entirely with all previous posters too  . (gosh, we are such an agreeable bunch here   ).

I was very 'anal' about this!  I think you need to be, it's so important.  Even with a seemingly relaxed/sociable baby/child, I would err on the side of caution about introducing new faces too soon and definately about any 'holding/cuddling/feeding/changing etc  

We have had our DS home now for 18 month's and last month was the very first time that anyone other than myself or DH has changed his nappy (as my Mum looked after him for a few hours).  

It is so different for an adopted little one who has potentially had lots of different carers and people coming in and out of the FC house etc.  Don't feel pressure from anyone to introduce too soon.  Perhaps do the groundwork now before little one is placed so the family know where they stand  

Luckily my parents and family were very understanding.  I have to say, when we did have a brief meeting with friends at the park after about a month, they took their camera and took photos of him and he was not happy at all  . This is what we did during intros so perhaps he thought he was being set up to go with them  .

Iman, my parents first saw our DS on Skype and he didn't even know he was on film  

Enjoy the first few weeks together  

Congratulations on your match
X


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Another one in agreement!

We are really reaping the rewards of being so 'strict' in the early days / weeks / first few months.

Grandparents visits were limited to half an hour to start with after I think a fortnight with just us and DH (we are lucky, they live very close) then gradually building up... after a good few months our DD went out for a morning with her aunty and uncle but this majorly unsettled her (she probably thought she was on intros again). We never made that mistake again. Their brains have so much whirring round it's easy to unsettle them and takes far longer to regain some security...

She's now attaching to us nicely and is very settled and happy.

Enjoy your family and congrats! xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Definitely do not have your parents staying at the house early on, it would be too much for LOs and also makes it harder for grandparents to keep their distance and 'hands off' compared to just a short visit/walk in the woods/park for example.  
We did things slightly different in as far as my parents met DS very early on as they were going away for nearly a month just after he moved home and I wasn't happy with anyone else meeting him until they had.  They popped down for a cuppa and basically sat and chatted to us while he played, he knew who they were from his family book, and he took them a toy but they knew not to pick him up etc.  We then spent 2 weeks as a family before we introduced others, again kept visits short and no picking up/caring as this was our job.  DS settled extremely well and has a fantastic relationship with my parents.
With our DD we were told to introduce my parents early so I had the support available if needed.  We also had to prepare her for us spending a very long day away from her within a few months of her coming home so after about 8 weeks she started going to my parents for the morning and having a nap there, we'd built this up by me spending time with her there and putting her down for a nap and slowly introducing Nanny to these things.  My Mum is the only person other than me and DH to have changed her nappy and put her to bed/got her up.  My MIL would like to look after her but as she has never been interested in my DS she is not having a different relationship with DD, plus I don't feel comfortable with her looking after DD as she tends to let the children run circles around her whereas my parents follow our routines and rules.  I also had to take DS to school 4 days after DD had moved in and DH had gone back to work so I had no choice but to take her with me.  2nd time around they tend to have to 'fit' in with routines, especially if school runs are involved.
Good luck
OT x


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## muminthemaking (Jan 10, 2008)

I really do and will continue to appreciate your views on this. 
What you've all said is what I already knew and you have confirmed really what we need to do, which is be firm with my family. They have read the books and know that they need to keep their distance just think in practice they will find this hard, but hey ho! Have told them they need to sort out a camera etc so we can skype regularly!
We've a trip planned down to them end of july anyway, and are planning to have our own accommodation for that time also so that we can come and go as we please and hopefully not be too overwhelmed by meeting the family.
Its such an exciting journey, becoming so real now! Thankyou for all your well  wishes x x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

maybe you could print out these responses for them?

kj x


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## sevsxp (Oct 1, 2012)

Sorry to disagree, but we did it very differently........

LO was placed with us in the Summer and on a Friday, and on the Saturday we had a BBQ with the family round, he was2 yrs and has 4 cousins aged between 4 and 10...... 

Everyone got on well , had a great day, and had no "issues"....... but maybe we were lucky I dont know......


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