# Deciding on IVF/work/family - help!!



## AnnR (May 23, 2013)

Hi

We may have to make a decision soon whether to pursue IVF or not. My DH is worried about putting me through the emotional rollercoaster - I'm just worried/stressed in general.

Is it easy to hide from work colleagues? How much time off work will I/we need?  No-one at work knows anything about us ttc & I changed jobs just after Christmas (as we thought the stress/pressure of my old job could be a contribuatory factor in not getting pg - I downgraded my position and changed companies) - so I am reluctant to tell them I'm looking to start IVF. We can get referral in September.  Husbands SA was all fine, all my bloods are OK, I'm having HSG next week but at the mo it looks like it's IVF or keep trying naturally (we've been ttc 3yr)

On an aside, I've not even told my family about ttc, I have told 2 friends but I'm mainly leaning on dh for support as my friends don't know full picture. I'm dreading telling other friends and family. Esp my parents.....I dont know how to bring it up? I think they assume one day we'll just have kids - like everyone else around me seems to?! I've now started to resent all the people around me who keep getting pg - which is not healthy state of mind?! And I'm dreading my brothers wedding in 4 weeks time as my gran and aunt keep making remarks about isnt it time I started thinking about kids/not getting younger/any sign of pattering feet etc  - I'm 33. It's not helpful I always want to burst into tears and cant' make a scene on the day or tell them beforehand as we're not really close its just family occasions when I see them?! HELP!!!! Half of me wants to tell everyone my problems, the other wants to remain completely cloak and dagger - when we started ttc we kept it quiet so we could suprise people in a few months time......ha how was I supposed to know it wouldnt happen like my fairy tale?!


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## sunshine90 (May 16, 2013)

Hi ann 

I cant really answer any of your questions regarding IVF as i havnt been through that (yet) but i didnt want to read an run as it seems were both in very similar positions. I've been ttc for 2 years and all tests so far come back fine and im also due for a HSG next week! So its looking like IVF is probaly going to be the same route for me to. 

But dont worry about your feelings in regards to people around you getting PG that is totally normal! But your in the right place for support, i havnt been on this site long but it seems all the ladies on here i so supportive to one another its lovely  Its a hard journey to be on but the way i see it is it just makes you stronger and when you do eventually have that little miracle of a baby it will make it even more so special! (thats how i look at it anyway)

I understand about not knowing weather you should tell people or not but at least thats the beauty of this site! You can talk about all your problems and anxietys and questions without anyone knowing who you are! lol

Maybe have a look the IVF diaries they will proably give you some idea of how much time u need off work and stuff like that 

 xx


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## Puglover1980 (Mar 7, 2013)

Hi Ann

Infertility is always very tough to deal with and I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed. In terms of IVF, I wouldn't say it's necessarily 'easy' to hide from work colleagues. I told my line manager exactly what was going on because there are quite a lot of appointments before and during, and I didn't want to be coming up with excuses every time I needed to be out of the office. At the height of my cycle, towards the end of the injection phase, I was going to my clinic every other day for a scan and blood test. This amounted to about five trips in a ten-day period. I didn't really want to take leave every other day for an appointment that lasted 15 minutes at the most each time, so I was up-front about what was going on and just went to appointments during work time (fortunately my clinic is a few tube stops from my office). I've worked at the same place for over seven years and have several close friends there, many of whom know all about my IVF journey, so they also knew what was going on. Everyone else just thought I was having a lot of generic doctors appointments. For the egg collection, transfer and 'two week wait' phase, I took the time off as leave so I could completely relax without worrying about work. Most clinics are happy to sign you off (with a non-specific letter) for this period if you don't want to use holiday.

Lots of people I've met on here have managed to go through cycles without telling anyone at work what was going on, but I felt that would put added pressure on me. You have to do what you feel is right for you. I think most feel that the fewer people that know the better, but this has never really worked for me. When I lost twins last October, it helped that people at work knew what had happened, as I was a total mess.

In terms of telling friends or family, again this depends on you. You might be relieved to confide in at least a couple of friends. It's hard keeping all this stuff to yourself and it definitely puts a strain on a relationship. I never told my family that I was TTC - the first they knew of it the first time was when I told them I was pregnant - but when trying for my second, my parents and in-laws knew I was having IVF. (They knew about my loss and I felt I needed their support going through something as big as IVF.) Plus I see my parents a lot and didn't want to have to hide all the drugs even time they came round!

Sunshine is right. This site is great for chatting - anonymously - to other people in the same boat as you. It's been invaluable to me. However, I have also found comfort in discussing things with my friends. It all depends on your personal circumstances.

The resenting pregnant people thing is totally normal! When you live with infertility/subfertility pregnant people people and babies seems to follow you around!

Lots of luck with what you decide to do regarding treatment. I guess you have to weigh up the pressure of the IVF rollercoaster against the possibility of never having children and see how you feel. IVF is undoubtedly hard but it is so worth it. x


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

I think it depends on your clinic and your work. Nhs clinic scans were 8.30 at earliest so had to be in work day. One private clinic has scans from 7am so you can fit round work better but i did end up being out house for 14 hours as had a late finish at work so was knackered - not good for tx. 

Drugs lead to a lot of mood swings and i was v emotional so it would've been difficult to explain. 

Date of egg collection depends on how you respond to drugs so you cant book in advance more than 2 - 3 days. usually so need time off at short notice .

I have been open with family and work since i needed lots of time off for multiple endo ops . Good thing is you dont have to lie. Down side is everyone knows.

I've just had a fet in cyprus and i said to most people at work i was going on hols. It didn't work and i think i found the people who didn't know asking how my hols went was worse than the people who did know asking me about the tx.


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## AnnR (May 23, 2013)

Thanks for the posts guys! I guess I'm just struggling and feel an emotional wreck at the moment.  I spent yesterday in tears - for random reasons that really weren't important - I wasnt at work so I think I sat around at home and got myself worked up about things. My poor DH took a lot of flack in the evening too :-( This is what always happens the week of my period, I feel like I can;t take it much longer!But I'm going to use this site for support as even telling my friends is hard as they dont really get it, they have babies or are pregnant and just say 'it will be fine, you're just taking a while to get there...and tell me stories of how it can take up to 3years. That's not that helpful!!! 

If I go for IVF I figured that I would have to tell my line manager at least and then just leave everyone else to wonder why I kept not being in the office!!!  I'll look at the IVF diaries - this is all new to me so I actually dont know whats involved (apart from the obvious basics!!) I already hide all my ovulation tests and conception vitamins when people come round!! I would tell my parents I think but its hard to know how to bring it up after ttc for nearly 3 years, this isn't the news I wanted to give them and they will be completely taken by suprise! 

Good luck with the HSG sunshine  - I am so worried about it, but guess its nothing compared to what other ladies have already gone through and what may lie ahead, will just take some parecetemol and go for it!!


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Ann, 

At about your stage, when we wre being referred for ivf, I started to tell a few people including my line manager and my parents. Before that I just felt it was private between us and i found it easier when you say those magic initials IVF, as it stops some of the silly advice, but not all of it!! It does take the pressure off, from having to always pretend and I am so glad that I did, as it is nice to be able to talk a bit to others about what is happening during treatment - I am very much typical woman who has to talk it all through and DH is a typical man who can only take 5 minutes at a time talking about every little thing of treatment!!  

I still have not told most people though, especially friends we have known for ages that have kids, for some reason i just can't handle their sympathy! Some have teenagers and second families. WIth them I feel worst, so I am still leaving that, I'm sure some of them have guessed.

As mierran says, it does depend on your work and your clinic, and when our actual treatment started my line manager had left the company and i was taking on some of her role and reporting in to her nightmare boss, i took a plunge and went self employed, like you to minimise stress.

I found that although many of the appointments where they give you a scan and blood test are short, sometimes the clinic was very busy and so best to allow plenty of time. 
You can always say that you have gyne appointments, or something that is a half truth to stop the pressure of making things up! You could wait to go to your line manager until you have had your first consultant appointments and been told what your schedule is at that clinic and with whatever protocol they recommend for you...

Will you be pursuing private or NHS? Will they offer IUI or other treatments before IVF?

lots of luck YB x


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## AnnR (May 23, 2013)

Hi YB

Thank you. I was beginning to think I was being awful, having not told anyone.....but seems common, that's re-assuring! An old colleague of mine (who I sometimes see at mutual gatherings etc) is just starting IVF..she was open about TTC from the start - about 4yrs ago so I hate those awkward conversations where actually I'm in the same boat but can't say!! Know what you mean about close friends and those with kids, it's difficult to talk to them, I dont want sympathy/pity or whatever! 

Anyway, we will just get referred for IVF straight away....not sure if that's normal, it may be regional I guess depending on local NHS? We will go NHS and I think 3 cycles are funded. They did DH SA last year, they didnt even mentioning repeating that at our fertility clinic appointment we had. The GP referred me to a fertility clinic at the local hospital, I got an appt within 5 weeks, the consultant said my hormones/bloods were fine, the SA was all OK, therefore they will just do a HSG to make sure and then refer us to IVF. All seemed sudden - dont know waht I was expecting? Heaps more tests I think and a bit of digging deeper?? We were literally in there 10mins, I was given a number to call on day 1 of my next period to arrange HSG and then sent on my way......It's daunting, I'm so glad I came on this forum, think it will help maintain my sanity!!

Ann x


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## NicL (Nov 11, 2011)

Hi there

It is really difficult knowing what to do. I am a talker and most of my close friends know what we are going through. Dh isn't so most of his don't. They know we are struggling to get pg as I had an over emotional moment one night out when one of the couples announced they were expecting - but they don't know anything else. Had a bit of an issue with his family - I'd told my mum right from the start but dh not told his. His mum made a comment one night about not being a granny yet and I got really upset. She was knitting baby clothes too! I basically told dh that I would not see them until he told them. 

Re work - told my boss last time but going to avoid it this time if I can. I am on my third boss since starting treatment - I'd wanted to keep it quiet in work but at this rate everyone is going to know!  I work flex so its pretty easy to do scans before work. I have just told boss I have a gynae appt and vague dates and he is happy with that. I will just book annual leave. Not planning to be off for 2ww - I'd drive myself nuts over analyzing everything.

Its great you get three cycles. Good luck


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

anner - 3 cycles is great. i know we were waiting forever and then suddenly things started happening, it was a shock when we got our first appointment! 
don;t worry though there's lots more waiting once you start treatment!! 
yes, my cousin was open about ivf from the start, and i haven;t told him! 
I may suddenly just tell everyone if this cycle fails, you just have to see how you feel and take it one step at a time xx


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Ann,

I had 5 years of unexplained infertility and didn't tell a soul until we finally started down the IVF route.  Whilst everyone's different, I'll always be glad I did as overall I had great support and it meant that close friends/family knew to stop hinting that wasn't it about time we had a little one?  It also meant that my friends with babies understood when I didn't want to spend a lot of time with babies, when before I'd always put pressure on myself to, which isn't healthy.  Finally, it helped my marriage as it meant hubby and I weren't locked in this secret world of infertility where we never turned to anyone else for support.

Regarding time off for work, again that seems to all depend.  I live in Ireland and my clinic was in Scotland.  I was able to get all bloods, scans etc. close to home and didn't need any time off work, but then had to travel for Scotland for egg collection and embryo transfer (the final parts of the process) so needed a few days off for that (which I took as holidays anyway). Even if I could have had it done closer to home I probably still would have taken a few days off around this time anyway.

Hope this helps and good luck with whatever you decide!


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