# questioning faith after BFP then miscarriage



## BertieC

Hi There

My husband and I are just starting our 2nd ICSI cycle and I am finding it difficult to get my head around what has happened to me and my sense of faith in the last few months. In January we did our first ICSI cycle and although I didn't respond that well (only 4 eggs as high FSH) we got our longed for BFP and were totally overjoyed.  I then miscarried a week later which was the most horrendous experience of my whole life and it took several weeks to physically get over it. Since then I have had some counselling and have chatted about it a lot both with my husband and friends as obviously the emotional side of things takes a lot longer to deal with. I have not been back to church since then and have found it hard to pray as it has seemed meaningless.

I have always had a sense of faith, although I don't go to church regularly, but this experience has really thrown me. Like many others, I am surrounded by pregnant friends and friends with babies and it is very hard to not feel very jealous and bitter - thinking why me? and also how can this pain be part of God's plan for me?  I prayed constantly throughout my last cycle and am now wondering how to approach this next cycle.  I sometimes wonder why bother praying when the outcome I want is not guaranteed in any way.  I am sure I am not the first person to feel this way as people who have faith must find it being tested by infertility in general, so any help or suggestions would be fantastic as it really is a tricky one and I feel lost going into this new cycle. 

Thanks a lot x


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## barbara1

BertieC,

You,re not alone, unfortunately faith is stronger than us.   
Be positive and the rest is yet to come


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## Greyhounds

Bertie, I totally understand where you are coming from. 


5 week ago I had a missed mc at 10 weeks gestation. It was our longed for BFP on our 4th cycle of ICSI and after TTC for 5 1/2 years. We thought we had cracked it with this cycle.  Everything was going well and we were so happy.  Like you I had prayed hard throughout that cycle for this to be our chance to start our family.  When it all went wrong and the doctor told us a heart beat could not be detected anymore (the words still ring in my ears) I thought my life was at an end and wondered what the hell had happened to all the faith and prayers and how could God be so cruel as to take away our happiness yet again (it is our 2nd mc).


Last week I had my answer.  Our clinic asked for testing some samples from the mc and there were extra chromosomes meaning that the baby was not at all well and would not have made it anyway.  We were incredibly unlucky but moreover if we had got to the 12 week scan we would have been told the bad news while he was still alive inside me and had to make decisions on tests and possible termination - something I would have struggled to even contemplate.  This Sunday I found myself at church thanking God for my mc, for telling me the reason as to why it happened and for sparing us the difficult decision that we would have been faced with if the pg went ahead.


A very high percentage of mc are due to chromosomal abnormalities.  The sperm and egg just don't gel together perfectly.  I knew this during my natural mc and it was no comfort and I carried the sorrow for years (I still cannot be near pg women) yet this time round I have been given a kind of closure which has helped us understand why.  I still think it is terribly unfair and it is terribly cruel to loose another baby when it is so wanted but I am now able to acknowledge that God took him away before he and us suffered more sorrow and distress.


Please be very gentle with yourself and treat yourself well.  Mourn your lost little one and don't give up


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## Irish Dee

Hi BertieC,

I'm catholic and although my faith as been tested, I found this poem and I often look at it. So sorry that you have lost your precious baby, and will pray hard that you will be blessed in the future.

Dee

**********************************
*What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
*I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less travelled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

*Anon*


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## BertieC

Thak you very much all of you for your replies.  It is definately helpful to know that it happens a lot in natural pregnancies so is not something unique to IVF patients. I have been trying to remind myself what a common experience it is. My husband even commented that it was the first normal thing to have happened to us and in a way that is very true. 

Maybe I have to go into this next cycle hopeful but also aware that it is the natural world/miracle of conception at work and it is not in God's power to make sure everything goes ok ie: you can pray for him to watch over you and to be there with you but really you can't pray/there is no point in praying for your BFP/a pregnancy to go ok because its not within his control.  

The other thing is although I would rather not have had all the problems we have had - it is definately true that there have been some positives - my husband and I are very close and have become closer - talking about things and how we are dealing with it all the time and trying to be kind to each other. My friends (even the pregnant ones!) have been very supportive so we have been lucky in that way. We have also focused on other things in our lives to try and escape the all consuming thing that infertiity is. 

Thanks very much again


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