# A stressed out Newbie#



## gogo (May 6, 2007)

Hello everybody. My name is Sarah. Im 29.Ive been with my wonderful Husband for 5 years, three of which we tried to conceive naturally,but sadly nothing happened. We commenced on our ICSI cycle in February, I was on the old fashioned protocol as cant take the pill.I was an egg monster and produced 28 eggs, 0f which 20 went on to become embryos.However I suffered with OHS and was poorly which knocked me physically and mentally for six!, and was heart broken that I couldn't go for ET straight away.In looking back I know it was the best decision the consultant and the team made, its just at the time you feel you are never gunna get there,the goal posts keep moving. I re started the protocol for FET two weeks ago and am off for scan on monday to check everything has switched off ready for plumping up.I have to say the Bucerelin this time arround has been mean stuff.Ive had terrible mood swings,feelings of failure and tearfulness  which are not me at all. The work I do is physically and emotionally demanding and that coupled with being short staffed and being pressured to do extra on calls I got into a right state at work and have come home for a couple of days.My GP has been fantastic and knows that this is the most stressful period of my life,but all my team keep saying "well you should be excited!" I am excited,but when you are full of hormones making you cry one minute and feel like screaming the next its not good!. My Occ health dept have been great aswell, but I worry that my team dont really understand what im going through,and that its self inflicted.I get cross with myself that I cant cope with added stress at the moment by taking on extra work and shifts,and I feel like im lettting my team down.Any advice would be greatly received!. Im going for my FET on 4th June, am looking forward to it positively,Its just the work thing is really playing on my mind at the moment.


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## noodlez (Feb 10, 2007)

Hi daviesse and welcome to fertility friends. Sorry to hear you've had a rough time with work hun. You must start thinking of yourself at this time as you need to be as stress free as possible. I would take some (guilt free) time off work hun if it's stressing you out. Whats your job by the way?
This site is really great and everyone is supportive and friendly. Someone will be along shortly and leave you some links to get you started.

Wishing you luck with forthcoming tx.

Love Noodlez.xx


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## gogo (May 6, 2007)

Hi noodlez, Im a District Nurse. I know I shouldnt feel guilty about having time off,one of my collegues has just had a baby,shes been great.she was about to commence IVF and became pregnant, she said that no one can begin to understand the emotions involved unless youve been through it yourself,in a way thats made me feel more alone though.Ive tried to be tough the last month,but ive had awful side effects like constant headaches and night sweats,which I didnt have the first time arround.I ve come into work proffessional at all times, but because im one of those whom usually gets on with it and works hard without direction, collegues assumed i was ok.It was when my boss asked me to do another on call shift I just lost the plot.I was sobbing my eyes out, and ive never done that before at work.My manager to start with was annoyed and told me to stop being silly and stop crying and that she would have to do the oncall ( I always do my bit, and am already doing extra). I just felt so alone that morning,and I felt so stupid for not being able to cope.She just kept saying things like " you ll have alot more to deal with when you have children,how will you cope then??" but I tried to explain thats different, I am a happy person, and I try and be positive.My Gp was lovely and was supportive in explaining that I was going through menopausal emotional symptoms and a rollercoaster of emotions, and not to be hard on myself.She wanted to sign me off for two weeks until the progesterone had started to kick in,lifting my mood, but I want to go back on Tuesday, I just worry that my fellow collegues are peeved with me as they are over stretched as well  and I dont want to add to their workload. Ive been worrying since I was sent home about how I can make things less stressful at work while im going through this, I have a back to work interview with the manager on Tuesday, Ive been thumbing my way through my husbands employment law books about health and safety responsabilities of employers to employees.My husband has been wonderful,and has said that my feelings of being lost and loosing confidence will go when the female hormones start again. Im sorry for going on, it feels like a big weight has lifted off my shoulders typing all of this.xx


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## noodlez (Feb 10, 2007)

Ah honey, I'm glad it's lifting the weight. I'm always here to listen. I totally understand the way you feel. I am a paediatric staff nurse and the unit where i work is constantly busy and there is always extra pressure on us to work extra shifts if someone is off. Also, you do feel the strain if a staff member is off sick as the workload is often stretched out and you're not provided with extra cover. I received a phonecall this afternoon from a friend in work and apparently there is loads of us off sick. Also people doing rotas etc are starting to get peed off covering shifts. I think at a time like this that this rollercoaster we are on and the end result that we so want and deserve is far far more important than work. I have booked 3 weeks off sick and I don't feel in the least bit guilty. If it gets me the end result then work will have to cope. Please try and ignore your manager, she is obviously ignorant and doesn't understand. Take some time out for yourself and DH and remember that you and your feelings are more important than work hun.

Sorry for rambling  
Take care hun.
Love Noodlez.xx


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi daviesse,
Just wanted to say that this is a time when you need to be selfish. Work will cope. They may not be happy about it, but they'll get over it! I understand your proffessionalism and commitment to your patients, but you've got to remember that right now, you are a patient too!! What would you say if you were advising a colleague? I don't know you, but I think I know what you would advise!!! 
So, try to take it as easy as possible. No stress! If that means taking time off then so be it. You have to put yourself first. That's something us nurses are not so good at!!
Oooohh, good at being bossy though! Sorry  
Lots of love and luck!
Cindersxxx 
p.s nurses are not so good at looking after each other, we use up our sympathy for our patients! Which may go some way to explain your bosses reaction?!


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## gogo (May 6, 2007)

Hiya Cinders. What youve said I know is true, Its just I wish I didn't worry about what people think all the time.If I was a bit harder then I would think buggar it,this is my time,and for the amount of time im going to give the NHS in my working life,the time of sick is just a snap shot.I'm just too soppy and emotional for my own good  .Ive never had any sick time off before,and Im worrying about this sickness scoring system the NHS have with regards to my contract.I know Im probably worrying over nothing its just for some reason I do feel very alone and insecure at the moment,and I looked for reassurance in my manager. I dont know whether to see the hospitals fertility counciling people or re-contact OCC Health. I guess im feeling like this because my hormones are all over the place.I agree with all you said,I think I just needed somebody else to say that my life IS more improtant than work at the moment.I just feel abit of a Mary that im not coping,as usually im fine  . Ive had a look at the Improving Working Lives in the NHS, and some bits on Health and Saftey,and they state that at the end of the day your Employer has to ensure that I am supported in the workplace.Ive kept them up to date all the time about time off,scan dates etc.I was that worrried about staffing levels and the fact people might think i was skiving after my large egg collection that I went back after four days post egg collection ( my ovaries were like pendullums), and I said i was back to help out but my GP said light duties only, this was huffed and puffed at.In looking back I wish Id taken the full amount of signed off time.In a way now I wish I hadnt informed,and explained all the stuff to my collegues,I thought enlightening them would help, but it hasnt, as the majority havent got a clue.Im hoping that after plucking up the corrage to talk to my boss on Tuesday at my "back to work interview" that I can iron out a few things.Hopefully I will also start feeling better once I start the progesterone tablets on monday.Im sorry for going on and on, I just feel better for getting all of my thoughts and feelings out,nobody has time to talk at work,3 staff have gone off and had babies ( which im so happy about) and my sister has just had a beautiful baby girl aswell.Im just so desperate to be a mummy and to make my hubby a proud daddy.


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Hi daviesse and welcome to the site 

Sorry to hear of the problems you have been having make a baby but you have come to a fantastic site full of advice and support.

I am training to be a nurse and can understand the pressures of work so for you having treatment as well it must be even harder but dont feel guilty for taking time off.

I will leave you a couple of links to try out.

FET board............http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=8.0

Girl and boy thread (fun area).........http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=1.0

We also have a great chatroom (check the index for themed chats). It is often good to talk to people who understand what you are going through. Every Friday Night from 8pm to 9pm is NEWBIE NIGHT Miss TC, Dizzi squirrel or I will be in there to help you use the chatroom, answer any questions, etc. If you can't make it on Friday night, just send one of us a personal message and we will meet you in there at a prearranged time for a short "one2one" session to show you the ropes.

For more info on Newbie Night follow the link...http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=85409.0

Good luck with everything

Kate xx​


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## Clareybob (Mar 4, 2007)

HI Sarah,
Really sorry to hear what you have been having to go through.  It is really hard sorting it all out when you are up and down anyway with the hormones.  I think there are some things which are very clear from reading your posts:
1. Your first priority is getting pregant, which IS more important than what your work colleagues do or don't think about you, and you would always regret it if you felt you had jeopardised this process.
2. If your Dr thinks you should have the full 2 weeks off, you should be aware that he is trying to take you out of the conflict situation caused by people asking you to do extra or huffing about light duties etc....I think you should consider taking your Dr's advice, even though for a while you might feel guilty.
3. Your manager needs a big slap!     She is not being AT ALL professional or even humane in her dealings with you.  How ignorant to say 'how will you cope with children then?'...and insensitive, given that you are facing difficulties even getting as far as having them.  She sounds a nasty and arrogant person and you should not let her make you feel guilty at all.  It sounds as if you'd never give her enough of your time or life-blood anyway.
4. NOTHING can happen to you for taking lots of time off, and if anyone tries anything, the law would be on your side.  In any case, taking about 2 weeks off work is REALLY NOT THAT MUCH, compared to many people taking months off for other things.

I don't want to sound like I am underestimating how difficult it is with your work colleagues, I definitely am not, as I have also been in that sort of situation.  I feel really strongly, however, that employers shouldn't get away with making people feel that they can't take time off when they really need it, cos it is bullying and harassment.  If you possibly can, keep saying to yourself 'having time off is perfectly reasonable' 'work will cope' 'I am not indispensible' and 'I don't want to jeopardise my chances of a baby'.

I think what cinders said about how would you advise someone else in that situation is a really helpful thing to think.  I bet you would tell them to take the time off!

Anyway hunny, do not let them bully you. 

Sending you as much strength and positive energy as will fit in a FF post!         

Clarey xxx


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi daviesse,
Basically I agree with all of the above post! Clareybob has been much more articulate in her post, and I would agree with all she has said! You ARE important, and you NEED to take things easy, and you will NEED to take time off. You CAN'T afford not to hun! 
This is SO much more important, but you already know that. It will all be worth it when you achieve your goal, and become a mummy!
You stand up for yourself, don't let them get you down or put the guilts on you,
I'll be thinking of you on tuesday!
Love Cindersxxx
p.s sorry this does not read well, am in a rush!xxx


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## gogo (May 6, 2007)

thanks you guys,I was sat here nodding my head as I was reading what youve said, as I know its all true,its just every now and then you need someone to say it. Ive had a chat with friend this evening,she too is a District nurse.She doesnt mind me talking about her so its ok.She has had 3 failed attempts at IVF, she is goiing for FET at the end of June.She has said that she takes about 4 weeks off in total as because she is effected by the drugs and is not concentrating on anything else she feels that it would be a detriment to her patients to care for them and it wouldnt be fair.She agreed with you guys in that this is the most important time, and that I need to be relaxed as possible to minimise my chances of having to go through all of this again,and reminded me of her 3 failed attempts.She agreed that they cant sack me and if they get awkward then I can go for harrassment!.She has a nice manager whom has negoitated her compassionate leave encompassing her down reg and 2ww, and if it doesnt work she said she will take all the time she needs until she feels emotionally and physically ready to return to the physiaclly and emotionally draining job we do.So I have contacted my manager this evening and am going to see her tomorrow afternoon.I am going to try and get a gp appointment before I go.Ive got my scan tomorrow morning to check my lining is gone etc... then I start the tablets to plump everything up.Thankyou once again,you are all a great help.xx


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## Clareybob (Mar 4, 2007)

Sarah, I am so glad that you have someone else to talk to who has been through the same sort of stuff.  I think you are being really brave facing up to your manager: lots of luck for that meeting: stick to your guns!  Also very good idea to see Gp first (and if you cant get an appt, see if you can speak to him on the phone) cos really no employer/manager or anything can go against what a Dr says.

I have a friend off work with stress at the moment and her Dr has signed her off for 3 months, and yet her work place Occ Health has been sending her bullying letters, trying to get her back into work.  She went back to the Dr and he said that there's nothing they can do and so she has refused to meet Occ Health and has referred them to her Dr if they want to discuss it further!

Sorry, that wasn't entirely relevant, as she's not going through IVF, but it shows how once you have a Dr being supportive, it can help bat off the more unscrupulous employers and their agents....!

Anyhow, I look forward to hearing how you got on.

Lots of love and light

Clarey xxx


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## jarrodamanda (May 19, 2007)

Hi daviesse,

I understand your stress as I am also a Paed Staff Nurse and find work to be very stressful, demanding and frustrating when you cant get your job done well due to shortness of staff and equiptment etc.... HOWEVER, our jobs are a vocation (as we don't get paid enough) BUT at the end of the day, at this time, our jobs are there to pay the bills as something else has become more important.  I am also going to feel very guilty about taking time off work as I know how hard it can be, but when we are going through IVF, the time will be for us and anyone who has not been through it can not judge just how hard and emotional it will be.

Conclusion is : 
1. Take the time off and relax. You have probably waited a long time for this opportunity so don't waste it!!
2. Don't think about work or let others bully you into feeling bad about not being there. They probably have their children and don't know how hard this process is and the thought of not having a child in our lives.
3. Don't be too hard on yourself. Talk with your husband and tell him how you feel with regards to these new despair feelings as a result from the hormones. A problem shared is a problem halved if he understands.


I wish you all the luck in the world and hope it all goes well for you.  I am new to this site and it is going to be our first IVF cycle. 

Amanda x


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi daviesse, good luck for the gp appointment, and meeting with your manager. I hope they both go well for you. Keep us posted.      
Hi Jarrodmanda, welcome to the site and good luck for treatment!
Love Cindersxx


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## MAL. (Mar 19, 2007)

Hi,

Hope the meeting today goes well and you get the support you need from your manager. I have to agree with everyone else, don't let them bully you and try and concentrate on your treatment. Good luck


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## gogo (May 6, 2007)

Hi everyone.Just to let you know I had my meeting tiyh my manager yerserday afternoon.It went really well!!.She has deff had time to reflect on what she said to me and appologised in a round about way. I said all really what you guys have said.I also spoke to the nursing sister on the IVF unit yesterday as went for my first scan ( everything nice and thin, started the Climeval tablets yesterday (on three a day until sunday then it goes up to 4,next scan next wednesday). She totally agrees in time off,particularily how stressed I was looking,and I cried again ( I hate crying!!).She was very reassuring and said I wasnt going loopy it was the imense situation I was in and the drugs!!. My husband is fantastic,he is so calm and always upbeat and positive,I dont know how he puts up with me!!. He was also 100% behind me,and was very angry and fustrated about what a "crap" boss I have.He has just finished employment law,so I went in armed with afew quotes!. I am seeing my GP tomorrow,but basically I am off until after 25th June, (3 days post test) although I will take more after if the news is not a BFP.When I got home I sat on the couch and let out the biggest sigh,it was a huge weight and I can really see that now.I did feel guilty about me being off on the "sick" and my poor hubby battling into work ( engineering manager,so not without stresses either!) but he been lovely,as at the end of the day he said we want a nice stress free home for our embies to want to stay  . I did have a really nice chat with one of my other pals who is a community matron and she has managed to negoiate her leave as compassionate ( my manager is meeting with her manager to discuss whether this could be an option,she was gob smacked that there are no actual policies in place,considering 1 in 7 couples will need some form of fertility treatment). My friend takes of 4 weeks at a time ,as she explained that your mind isnt on the job its rightly elsewhere,you dont give your all so its not fair on your patients.She said the stressed state of mind is not conducive with the state of mind you need to be in when you are undergoing this treatment, ( I used that!). So here I am,emotionally free from the toils of work,I am actually smiling at the computer today.Ive got a banging headache but I think thats all of yesterday coming out!. So im off food shopping now to get brazil nuts and pinapple juice!!?? heard its good for embie embedding? what you all think?. So hopefully when I go back I will be filling out the pink risk assessment book!,heres hoping with all of my heart. And at the end of the day,I can hopefully be philosophical if god forbid it didnt work, that (a) atleast I know that I would have chilled out,relaxed and looked after my body,so if they didnt survive atleast I can blame my stress levels and work,but the fact that those little embies just went meant to be (b) I would only have to wait one period before starting again on FET (b) The work thing is solved.Love you all!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## gogo (May 6, 2007)

oops, on the last three line I meant I cant blame stress or work! sorry guys, reading it back my spelling is awful today!!! tehe


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## Clareybob (Mar 4, 2007)

Ooh Sarah, I am so pleased for you: that's great news!  Now you can really invest fully in your treatment and read up all about Brazil nuts etc.  Yes, they and pineapple juice are good for embies bedding down into your womb lining: but don't eat fresh pineapple cos it has enzymes in it which can cause uterine contractions (these are crushed out in the juice-making process).  I think, if I remember right, they are full of selenium, which nourishes your womb.

Anyway, let's hope we now have lots of sun so you can really relax outside.

Clarey xxx


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi Daviesse,
Really really pleased for you! That's great! You are now in danger of becoming a fertility friendoholic!!!   
Love Cindersxxx


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## gogo (May 6, 2007)

Hiya guys,just a quick update and a bit of advice please if thats ok.Have been a good girl and really chilled out the last couple of weeks up to FET.My womb lining was grade A 9.6mm so they brought my FET forward to yesterday!! yes my little ones have been reunited with their mummy! it was such a surreal experience.They thawed 4 of our frosties and all survived the process,( we now have 14 frosties left)they put two lovely 4 cell embies back yesterday lunchtime.I did nothing yesterday and chilled,and was so careful moving about in bed ( yes i know thats psychological) but its amazing how hightened your senses become!.Ive been good and sensible and had a small glass of pinapple juice a day since friday and a handful of brazil nuts a day aswell . Just one little thing today which is playing on my mind!, when I went to put my pessarie in today there was a very very small amount of light brown mucus?? is that normal and not unusual? They have said ive got to carry on chilling for another 3 days as this is the time when our little embies embed ,Im off work until 25th June,I do my test on the 21st which is 16 days post transfer.Heres hoping and praying with all our hearts that these little ones stay with us.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## MAL. (Mar 19, 2007)

Hello,

I am sorry that I do not know the answer to your question but I am sure someone will be along soon to help you, I just wanted to wish you lots of luck


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## Clareybob (Mar 4, 2007)

Hello again Sarah, Glad you've got two little ones back inside you.  You can get some spotting from implantation, though implantation doesn't usually occur the same day you have them put back.  If I were you, I'd try not to worry about it, cos it could even be some old blood from having EC/ET, as I guess bits and pieces can get grazed inside....however, if you find it imposs not to worry, I'd phone your clinic to ask a nurse.

Also, you could consider inserting the pessaries in the backdoor as it is less messy??    sorry if tmi!!

Keep resting and taking care.  Laze around in the sunshine, visualising the embies bedding down in there!

CLarey xxx


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi Daviesse,
Good to hear from you. Keep up the good work! With regards to spotting, I'm pretty sure my clinic said it was possible after transfer. They have been through your cervix after all, sharp intake of breath there!!!  I'm sure your clinic won't mind a quick call for reassurance, you don't want any worries niggling at you!
Try back door for pessaries, not as bad as you think, much less mess, and don't have to lie down for half an hour afterwards!!!
Thinking of you,
Love Cindersxx


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## gogo (May 6, 2007)

Hiya Cinders.The brown mucus has stopped now,I remembered I do have a small polyp at the neck of my cervix,so it could have been that.When they went to transfer yesterday my cervix slammed shut! so they had to use a hard catheter to dilate rather than a soft flexible one.Am off to do my supp up the back passage  thanx guys!!.xxx


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## M.T.B (May 31, 2007)

Hi Daviesse

I think you have been so brave and sound to have a very supportive DH, this is all so very stressfull and everyone has been so right in saying that us nurses do not look after ourselves when it comes to stressfull situations, you need to take time out and look after number one for a while during cycles or you will get too emotional in trying to do your day to day work, im glad your manager has apologised i think they are just naive when it come to infertility and dont really kno how to react to us. i too am a nurse and asked my GP to give me a sick note a week before egg collection and the i was an emotional wreck untill after had BFN and only just gone back to work 2 weeks ago to have a return to work interview and was asked when i would be trying again and how much time i thought i might need again and that they were going to refer me to occ health as the amount of time i may have off may result in me having a warning!!! obviously i was not best pleased and went to HR and they agreed i could have 2 weeks like planned sickness as if having an operation but then would be under review depending on how much time i need again like you know how you are going to feel each time i ask you!!! no sympathy given here just worried how they will cover my shifts if i go off for a month again. They are very nice to my face and supportive on an every day basis but when it comes to time off the eyes look up to heaven and agian my managers are also nurses maybe with smaller hearts then us all here!!! sorry to go on but we all seem to have had a grumble here, no perks in the job when it come to our baby making issues eh xx

fingers crossed for all you darlings above


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## gogo (May 6, 2007)

Hiya cooter.Thanks for your kind words.I know its funny isnt it? a caring profession and yet no care given to its employees.With the support of DH,family and you guys I made that very bold decision to have the time off,as at the end of the day it is a medical condition diagnosed by the hospital and this is the prescribed treatment.I totally agree in what you said with regards to you not knowing how you will feel the next time you start treatment.If (please god dont let this happen) it does not work and I down regulate again,who knows I might be fine or I might be emotionally and physically drained again.If I make a mistake at work nobody will stand by you,its just not worth the risk,would they prefer me to struggle in and bite the heads off my patients because im having hot flushes etc.. I dont think its fair on you and its not fair on your patients,this area of work is mentally,emotionally and physically draining at the best of times  and that state of mind is not conducive with the state of mind needed in fertility treatment.Id like to see Occupational health give me a warning,that can be identified as indirect sexual discrimination,and having more time off? if needed I will, thats like asking a new mother "so are you going to have more time off in the future for babies??) Im just so glad I have a wonderful GP whom is so up to date and intune with these particular health issues, the job will always be there,and the amount of time I will give the NHS in my working life is huge compared to this snipit of sickness absence,this is mine  and DH time,and for anybody in the workplace whom scoffs at the time off, do you really gloat at something so personaly cripplingl to somebody as this? ,arragh it gets me wound up so I must stop now as i need to be chilled and relaxed.xx


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## M.T.B (May 31, 2007)

hiya

gosh i know its all frustrating but those comments made me laugh and DH anyway i hope the very best for you both, see you around chatting i have been summoned to bed by DH off to france in 3 hours for 3 weeks so best go and get some sleep. heres to 3 weeks in france at our caravan with copious amounts of vino on tap ready to be dry for our next try.

fingers crossed fo you lol xxx


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