# Need Some Good News Stories!!



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Please understand, I am not having a pop, but have been reading some truly heartbreaking stories on Adoption UK Message boards.  Mostly around how some adopters have had such an awful time and SS have been so useless and they are just counting down the years, months until they can throw their AC's out at 16 or 18...  

As Frangi started with True Love in Forever Families, some of us really need to hear the good news stories, to give us hope that things can work well.... I'm hoping I'm not just hugely naive but I really do believe that we can be good for our LO and we can have a fairly 'normal' life, just a mum and a dad and a little boy who need each other.  

I understand there will be problems, we will get things wrong, we will struggle at times, but all families go through these difficult times.  I just can't go into this believing it might ruin our lives!   

(We are coming up to Intros, I'm probably over thinking everything, OH doesn't read the boards and I can't explain it all to him to he's oblivious)


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi AK

It it perfectly normal to worry leading up to intros. You've done the prep, you've asked a zillion Qs and you believe you have the right lo for you but reading these stories does make you worry. 

I have met lots of adopters who have great stories to share - lots of nice endings. Adopting is just a different way of having a family and you may have to be more adaptive parents than you originally thought (but who said parenting was supposed to be easy lol). There are ladies on the main thread who have had happy childhoods and successful relationships who are now about to embark on parenthood. A close friend at school was adopted and I had no idea.

We are 4months since little man has been home and I really cannot express how much I love him and how perfect our life is and believe me we had some difficult days, but he really is worth it.

HTH xx


----------



## ChickenLegs (Feb 3, 2013)

Well I don't have a good news story yet, but I can tell you that you need to stay away from AUK! The teen boards on mumsnet are equally terrifying, so it's not something restricted to adoption - teenagers antagonise their parents. Just grit your teeth when they reach 13 and hope it goes quickly.

You should have heard my mother's language when she found out I had a tattoo, wow! I'm sure she would have quite cheerfully swapped me for a dog


----------



## racheypache13 (Jan 8, 2011)

Hi,
I may have shared this on here before but I will again anyway. I understand how you are feeling. I think SS really dwell on what could go wrong in adopted families but as someone who has a birth child and adopted child, we have always been of the mind that the future is uncertain for both our children, we can only try our very best as parents with both of them.
Having said that, at the moment, we couldn't be happier! Our AS came to live with us last August and we are all so, so happy. BD adores him, as do we. We treat both our children exactly the same and will deal with any issues for either child as and when they arise. 
Seeing my children together, holding hands or hugging and kissing makes the whole process worth while and when my gorgeous son says 'Mama' and gives me a squeeze, I feel just like any other mummy....proud and completely in love!
I would say just enjoy your little one and don't worry too much about what the future will bring. Children are a challenge, adopted or not but they also bring so much happiness and love. Congratulations!
Racheypache


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Funnily enough I was reading that thread yesterday and, though we are having a really tough time with our 7 year old DS lately, I was so sad to read how many people are just waiting and counting down the days and the advice of 'making them homeless before they are 18 so they can get support'....

Having read AUK for many many years I know some of them on there have faced really bad times and unfortunately sometimes you have to draw a line and say it isn't working.  However, the majority have adopted older children and sibling groups.  If nothing else AUK shows how wrong it can be to keep siblings together, especially when there is more than 2 and they are older.  

When we adopted DS we didn't know half as much about attachment as we do now    he has attachment difficulties but compared to many he is relatively OK.  BUT it is extremely hard work and after months of constant defiance, rudeness, major tantrums over nothing etc etc it wears you down and makes every day life for our whole family difficult.  I love my DS to bits but if I knew back then what I know now about how attachment issues can affect our lives, how totally useless I would feel in trying to help him and hard it would be watching him with his struggles, I'm not sure I would have adopted him.  When he is going through a good patch, life is good and relatively 'normal' but normal parenting doesn't work with him and it isn't easy to be therapeutic all the time.  His attachment stuff really started to show when he went to school, up to then life was normal all the time.  Even when its been very bleak (recently) I've never thought of kicking him out at 18    He is my son and I want him to be part of my life forever, whether he wants that remains to be seen but I will always be here for him.

AUK does show the need to be completely honest about what you can cope with and open minded about possibly problems in the future.  None of us know what the future holds for any of our children (adopted or birth) and all we can do is our best.  Go into adoption with the view of creating a loving family but remember it won't happen overnight and there may be many highs and lows along the way.  Keep up to date with adoption, its always good to read and be prepared rather than being clueless when something goes wrong, but still enjoy being a family and doing whats best for the child you adopt.

OT x


----------



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi AK
My DH is a good news story as he is adopted. And loves his mum n dad the way I love my birth mum n dad. 
He's never been interested in finding his BP at all and has no 'issues'. 
His sister did find her BP (she and DH aren't birth siblings - is that the correct term?) but still she sees her adopted parents as her only mum n dad. 
And to be honest they didn't do a good job of parenting at all from DH and SIL have told me but still it worked and they re a 'normal' family. 
DH is so positive about adoption that he's really happy that we are now looking to adopt. 

Agree with Chicken legs though, teenagers can be revolting, whether adopted or birth children. 

I too am worried out of my skin but all we can do is our best for the children.


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

My little nieces are adopted and the elder came home with significant issues....two years on and you wouldn't know it was the same child. She is so happy and settled and just lights our family up.

There are bad stories our there but that's because the 'success stories' don't need the forums! It's like with the news - we only hear the bad. We hear about the murders, accidents, tragedies, but never the amazing stuff. What is it they say? Bad news sells?

I have no stats to offer but I do know lots of folks who have adopted and it's going brilliantly...and none of them use forums. 

If you went on a marriage forum you'd probably think marriage sucks....you know what I'm saying? The ones with amazing marriages aren't on the forums. I'd say stay away from the negative. We adopters know its out there but it doesn't help to dwell on it and especially not right now; just focus on Bluebird.

You will be a wonderful mummy and you will deal with stuff when it happens and work through it as a family.

X


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I love you guys! Feeling better already...  

TBH, my sister in law is adopted and has no issues, loved her mum and dad very much and never looked for her birth family, same with a friend's hubby, also adopted.  I'll stepping away from the negative!


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Yeah!!!! Go Auntie Katie! As the song goes......You've got to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative ..... And latch on to the affirmative.. And don't mess with Mr In-Between....


----------



## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Love it LilyElf!!   
Thanks for starting this thread AuntieKatie x


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think "older" adoptions are a bad comparison, because children come to be adopted for very different reasons now than to in the 60s and 70s.  

Having said that, AUK I think is a good place for support for people who are experiencing a lot of difficulties with their children.  There is a hard core of posters there who have some very, very difficult children with huge problems and honestly, I don't know how some of them cope.  However, that community is also quite hostile at times to newer people with minor problems or those seeking a bit of guidance/reassurance if they aren't completely buying into the idea of therapeutic parenting, and/or if they feel people are making mistakes because of a lack of understanding of attachment.  It is a useful place to go to with a problem if you want information, but I don't think it gives a realistic cross section of adoptive families.  Those whose children are many years down the road and settled are not generally looking for help on the internet.

It's hard, because it's all anecdotal.  There is no hard and fast figure for how many adoptions breakdown, it's not actually tracked as far as I know.  I have never seen any evidence to support the one in five figure, and my gut feeling is that in reality it's nowhere near that high.  Older adoptions and sibling groups are much more likely to break down.

Most people I know who've adopted who have school age children now are doing pretty well, in some cases very well.

I have a huge amount of belief in Wyxling.  I dread the thought of teenagers.  Really, seriously, dread it!


----------



## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

This is a great thread.


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi! I like this thread to! Totally agree with the whole negative stories get everywhere positive ones don't!! I am so happy I am adopted!!!! We were meant to be!!! I have seen the other side of what my life could have been like and wow how glad am I that I was an undesired accident! Best thing that could have ever happened!!
I do know a woman who adopted a 18 month old and there has been lots of problems and lots of struggle but no way never would she 'send her back' as it were!! I also know of a family who adopted twins and wow what a family they are!! You can have birth children and have a series of issues! To me a family is a family cos they stick together and work through things it is not about how they came together but how they stay together!! I don't argue that there are going to be issues because of the adoption etc I have worked with many biological families with so many problems whose to say it's black ans white?! 
I have my fingers crossed for less issues of course and we have decided to be picky even if we have to wait! I was told we wouldn't have to wait long but I am certainly not banking on that!!
love to all!! 
Auntie Kate! Have confidence my dear, it will be joyful!!!


----------



## Keg (Nov 10, 2012)

I am enjoying this thread, as someone who has just applied to foster, I have told a few people and have found people either think its wonderful or terrible and inevitably that makes me worry about the effect on my own children of us going ahead.  But on the other hand mixing with literally hundreds of parents through my own children and through the job I do I have come across all sorts of people with 'problem children, the vast majority have not been adopted'  Before I had my own children I would sometimes come across mothers who would tell me how awful babies and children are or when seeing my boys will say 'wait till their teenagers.'  I think some people like to see the negative in everything.  

I also agree that people come on the internet with problems.  I am a regular lurker on netmums and it is full of horror stories and sometimes people blaming everyone but themselves for their children's issues.  I'd also say everyone is an individual, look how many of us are very different to our siblings.

I love this site because it is wonderful seeing people who care so much about their children, even before they have met them or been allocated them.  We all have good days and bad days as parents (as in everything) but I really think the people I see in here are going to be great parents and there is nothing better for any child than good parents that love them.


----------



## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Our very good friend adopted two boys, as a single adopter, one at the age of 6 and one a couple of years later at the age of 4.

Now, this is not all good news. The older one committed a serious offence and is currently in a young offender's institution.  I don't think by any means she wants him there, but that cannot be good news by any standards.

However the younger one is a lovely young man, even by teenage standards!  Large, grumpy, and smelly of course, but in the Scouts, in a marching band, just working out what he wants to do after his GCSEs of which he will get a few, enough certainly to do something else with. Both mum and son babysat our little boy a few months ago and he was JUST as besotted as Mum!


----------



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

If you think of 'normal' being a word to describe any one human or any one family it is impossible! Normal doesn't exist!! If you think of ' perfect' being a word to describe any one or any family it is impossible! In some ways adoption could be more successful because the child has been desired for so long and the idea questioned so much more firmly! Not saying that doesn't happen with bio families just that this process is soul searching! I have changed my life for this completely so surely that means something somehow! Who knows maybe not! What I do know is I am willing to go that extra mile and do that extra dance to make it work does that surely not help even the balance of the good versus the abuse these children may have suffered or the ordeal they have been through! Still maybe not however I know bio families who have inflicted no abuse on their children but their family is chaotic ans I know bio families that don't have two parents but have three ie step family who work perfectly! We are not perfect nor normal just a couple waiting to fall in love!!! Surely we have odds stacked for and against us! But there is no rule as to how a family is made up!! That means everyone has a chance!! X


----------



## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Our son was 6 years old when he came home 3 1/2 years ago, we knew we were taking on someone who had an extremely traumatic background so we tried to prepare ourselves as much as we could for that, we read up everything we could including the AUK boards, nothing though could have prepared us for the shock of parenting such a traumatised boy, it has with out a doubt been the hardest few years of our lives, we have been on our knees at times not knowing where to turn to. That being said though we love our boy to death and try very hard to accept him for who he is warts and all, we have to parent a very different way to other families, there are things we just accept that never in a month of Sunday's would I have said I would have accepted a child of mine doing, we have had to lower our expectations, yes we have mourned for what we pictured ourselves doing with our children and know we will never be able to. We have just accepted that this is our life now.

We have never ever regretted taking on our beautiful son though and all though the hardest thing we have ever done it is also the best thing we have ever done, we consider our selves to be a success story, and it really cannot be that bad as we are at Approval Panel tomorrow for number 2.


----------



## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Respect miny moo and dh.
You are most certainly a success story for your little boy as well as yourselves. 
I'm sure you don't need a good luck for tomorrow but hope it goes very smoothly and happily. 
Gettina x


----------



## Tishtashtwoteeth (Aug 24, 2011)

I am currently on holiday in gran canaria withy DH and gorgeous little boy (who is nearly 4). He moved in with us in November and we got the good news that the adoption order went through last Monday. He is by no means an 'easy' child and has had some epic tantrums! BUT we adore him. He is full of spirit and character and generally charms the pants off everyone he meets! He is funny and clever and incredibly stubborn. From start to finish the adoption process has been smooth for us and we are already talking about adopting a second. We feel very blessed to have has such a positive experience and our little man has completed our lives. 

I think the key is to be very honest when it comes to telling your social worker can and cannot deal with. For us we opted for a child over 2yrs to avoid any developmental uncertainty. We also stated that we didn't think we could handle an austin child or child with serious attachment issues or extreme behaviors. Our social worker did an excellent job of matching us with the perfect child for us. You have to bear in mind that most regular posters on forums are on there as things are difficult and they need support. Many adopters just get on with their everyday life.

Good luck and know this, even people who have had really terrible adoption experiences love their children and find it extremely rewarding.


----------

