# Problems with older son



## devonette (Jun 4, 2008)

We have an eleven year old son for years he has wanted a sibling and we have wanted to extend our family. After years of fertility problems we have decided to go for surrogacy in India.  My husband wanted to ensure he was happy with us having another child,mainly due to the upheavel it would cause, i.e the long stay in India once the  baby/ies are born.  Although we have not discussed the surrogacy process with him.  But our son has decided he does not want a baby in the family, he wants us to adopt because of the age difference.  I feel gutted, what do we do next, go ahead!!!!!!!!, with out his blessing, confused we have waited a long time to have another baby.


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## apricot (Apr 21, 2008)

Oh no what a dilema! That is really tough. I don't have a child of that age but if it were me I would go ahead anyway if it is that important. In 'normal' families you don't get to pick and choose when a baby comes so the age gap is what it is. There is also no telling when and if a suitable adopted child will arrive as it is such a long process that by the time you get there your son could be considerably older with his own life anyway. He may also have a very rosy picture of an adopted brother, but in reality it may not be the way he has imagined it (probably wont be!).

I am six years older than my sister. I didnt have much of a relationship with her until I was in my twneties as with that age gap we had nothing in common. BUT I adore her now and hopefully we have many many years left to be sisters. After all you are siblings for longer than just your childhood. Your son may or may not get on with either an adopted sibling or a baby - or may love both dearly. Maybe you could point out the pluses of a baby - he could name it, or choose the middle name, all the fun and adventure of India, the baby may give him a special present he has wanted for ages. Then all the down sides of adoption. I think it is probably going to come down to the slant you put on both options. 

I think it is an incredibly hard decision and I am sure you will make the right one for your family - but if you have your heart set on a baby via a surrogate then go for it!!! Of course your son can have his say but it will be you that brings up the child for the rest of their lives so I think it has to be what you are happy with that matters most. If you arent happy with your choice then none of your family will be happy either, as it will rub off on them too.

Good luck and loads of luck whatever you go for. xxxxxx


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