# Donating embryos



## CM01 (Jan 4, 2006)

Hi,

I hope this is the right place to post this; I'm after some advice...

DH & I have 12 embryos on ice, and after our BFP had not really planned to keep them.  However our son's death put us in a bit of a spin, so we kept them on ice for another year, to give us some breathing space.  Now we are, somewhat amazingly, pregnant again, and the question has arisen once more.  Regardless of what happens with this pregnancy, we have been told that my body will not stand another pregnancy, so we know that we will never use the embryos ourselves.

We would prefer to donate all 12 embryos to other couples, and know that our clinic will take us through the correct procedure in order to do this.  I'm sure they will answer any questions we have during the counselling phase of this process, but I would like to think about some issues before reaching that point.

Now that we can see how alike DS is to DH, it is an odd feeling that theoretically we could bump into someone looking so much like him, but who is someone else's child.  As far as I know, there is no 'national bank' of donated embryos, so ours would be given to someone in the same county, or even town as us - is that right?  I know there is a tiny chance of this, but isn't there a concern that genetically related people could start a relationship without knowing?  

I know all these issues are a bit far-fetched, and the stuff of second rate movies, but it's going round my head and I'd really value some perspectives from donors or recipients who have already worked through things like this!  Ultimately, we want someone else to be as lucky as we have, so I can't imagine coming across anything that would change our mind, but it would be good to hear from other people  

Thank you - and sorry about the slightly mad ramble!

xx Clare


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Clare,

I feel a bit awkward responding to you knowing that we could potentially be one of the lucky recipients if you and your DH decide to donate your embryos, but because we might be I couldn't pass up the opportunity to give you a potential recipients view on the wonderful thing you and your DH are considering.

My DH and I have been trying for a family for over 14 years now and know that donor embryo is our best option if we're to stand the chance of a family of our own, other than adopting. To be honest we had considered adoption but it's the longing for a baby that really keeps us on this IVF treadmill. At our age we'd only ever be considered for older children and I really want to have the chance of carrying a child and holding my own new born baby like so many others are able to.

From our perspective we know that we'd love and cherish any child regardless of blood ties and would be eternally grateful to anyone who made this a possibility. We've also decided, like many others who've decided to go down this route that we'll be open with any child we're lucky enough to have, indeed this to us is the benefit of the fact the UK gives children the right to trace their "genetic parents" if they want to when they are older. I suppose this is something you'd need to be comfortable with too, the fact that you may get a call some years down the line from someone who wants to get to know a bit about you. The fact they will have been much wanted by both sets of parents is something I hope that any child will take comfort from. 

Regarding the things you've mentioned you'd be concerned about - I think the chances of them marrying or even meeting someone they were related to would be very very small - people move about the country so much these days and Oxford itself sees couples from all over the country. I must admit that I look at families alot these days and see how similar some children are to there parents, while some don't seem to resemble each other at all. I do wonder going through this what our potential children will look like and be like but know that whatever they're like they will be the missing part of our family.

Whatever you decide to do I just wanted to thank you for considering donating and wish you every success with your pregnancy. I've seen from your signature block and recent postings what a tough time you've had over the past couple of years. Once again thank you.

Love, CG xxxxx


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Clare
Firstly so sorry to hear about your son Alex, I cannot imagine what that must be like but as you say having Joshua keeps you going and a natural bfp now is like a miracle for you and congratulations.
I think what you are considering doing is amazing and of course its quite natural to be considering the things that you are.
I think babies look like their dads due to cave man days so that the men recognised their offspring when returning from hunting and protected them rather than the opposite. - this is a tale the midwife told us and have seen it on here too.
I also know that in the UK now at the age of 16 donor conveived children can find out more to make sure the person they wanted to marry was not related and of course at the age of 18 they can trace the donor.  I think that the recipents will have told the child about their "special" conception and as CG says it would be very rare for them to bump into each other let alone have a relationship.
As you say I am sure you will get a lot of support and information from the clinic and this is a decision that effects both you and DH but as ever FF will provide you with lots of info and help as well so just keep looking, I am sure there is  special section on embryos.
This is a subject that I have already considered as we are using a donor egg from a wonderful lady I met on here, we became friends first and then she offered me this incredible gift.  Hopefully our tx will be successful first time and if not and there are enough eggs we intend to do one frozen cycle and if there are any embryos left we will be faced with the same issue but of course the embryo will be a result of my friends egg and my dh sperm - something for us all to get our heads around but reading your post and CGs answer I think it is  no brainer as they say.  When I first mentioned this to my DH as I had already thought about this issue I am sure he was against it but obviously in the last six months he has changed his perspective on lots of things as I have.  Anyway good luck in your decision making and perhaps taking a bit of time now to get your head around it is a good idea.

CG - Having seen your posts quite a lot on FF  I don't think we have communicated much, I thought your response to Clare amazing and spoken so much from the heart, this site is amazing that donors and recipients can "talk" like this.  I wish you so much luck on the rest of your journey which has already been so long, I know I have found the last four years unbearable and that is having been blessed with one and yet you have been through 14 years of it - my heart goes out to you and you have my utter respect for your determination and I wish you every success in holding that long awaited baby in your arms.  Take care and good luck.

Susie


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Susie,

Thank you so much for your good wishes. Yes it was from the heart  

It has been a very long road so far and I just keep hoping it will take a turn for the better at some stage. We're currently weighing up our options and may well go abroad as the wait for donors in the UK is a long one.  I see you're going through tx at the moment. Wishing you loads of luck for a BFP.    

I don't think we have chatted before but hope we do again. I usually post on the over 40s/goldies boards - perhaps I'll see you over on those some time. 

Love and luck, CG xxxxx


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Cotsworld Girl
I realised afterwards I may have lurked on a board you were posting on when I was first on back in Nov and Dec, I have also looked at the over 40s board and again when I first came on it seemed quieter than it does now (bit like the 2ndy IF).  I noticed Mrs Bunny had posted the other day and we have exchanged messages sometimes as she is fairly local to me and was gutted to hear of her latest news.  Hopefully I will see you on those boards.
I am sorry you have had such a long hard journey and do hope that it turns around for you soon.
Are you going for egg and sperm donation, its so sad the waiting lists are so long in the UK and my donor Angela really wants to start a campaign to change this and we need more people like her to attract people.  its such an emotive issue and there are some heated posts going on at the mo and its just so difficult for everyone concerned and there is so much to consider.  it took me a long time to come to terms with ED and they say you need that period of mourning the loss of your own eggs but now I am so sure that this is the path for me and it is so helped my meeting the wonderful person that I have on FF who has offered me this wonderful gift.
Anyway take care and good luck  

Clare - How are you today and hope you are doing ok.  You are a strong lady and am sending you lots of   
good luck

love
susie


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## CM01 (Jan 4, 2006)

Suzie/Cotswold Girl,

Thanks so much for your useful and heartfelt replies.  We plan to be very open with our child/ren about tx, and about the embryos we donate, so our own child/ren will always know their history.  I know someone who has no plans to tell their off-spring that they are the result of donor embryos, and that got me thinking about the worry of unwittingly meeting one's genetic sibling.  
Anyway, DH and I have decided to go ahead with the donation of all 12 of our embryos, and we hope that someone (or maybe a few someones) are as lucky as we have been with them  

Luck & babydust to you both,
xx Clare


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## A.T.C.C (Mar 13, 2006)

ClareMack

Hope you dont mind me posting.
I just wanted to say what you have decided to do is amazing and very special.
Good luck with the pregnancy and the future.
All my love Ang xxx


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Clare,

You and your DH are indeed doing a truly wonderful selfless thing. It's thanks to the generosity of people like you, your DH and other donors that the rest of us get another chance of achieving our dreams. Thank you.

Love and luck for the future.

CG xxxx


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