# DE or Adoption - Your experience of choosing



## warbabe (Aug 17, 2005)

Hi,
I'm really not sure if this is the correct place to post this, but thought people on here might have been through this.

I've just had my last treatment on NHS and 5th overall. I have a high FSH and DH and I now need to do is make some big decisions on what to do next. I personally have said I would never do IVF again, I found it really hard and have total admiration for people on here who have had numerous treatments they are much stronger than me.The worst things is you forget, and think perhaps one more go. DH reminds me, but it is so hard to 'give up'. I sometimes wish I didn't have unexplained infertility and there was something wrong with me and I didn't have these choices. Hope no one reads this in that positions and takes it the wrong way.

I think next steps are to understand what my options are, is it a choice between DE or adoptions? Then once I know that then comes the BIG decision, and so many questions.

Do I want to be pregnant or do I want a family?
How important is the biological aspect?
Donor would give DH a biological child, but not sure I could handle it and my initial thoughts months ago was 'No'?
If Donor how do we feel about 'anonymity' - would we want to go abroad?
If Donor, do we tell or not tell the child/family/friends?
Why create a child that is not biologically 'ours' when there are many out there just waiting for parents?
Do DH & I write a for and against list for both DE and adoption and see which one 'wins'? 
Do we decide to have one and only one cycle with DE and if it doesn't work then move on? 
If we didn't try DE would I always regret it
Do we go to adoption info evening to see how we feel while? 

Right at this moment my thoughts are;
I'm too young to accept that I can't have my own biological child unless some one tells me there is 0% chance
If I didn't try again I would feel that I have been weak and give in too easily, and others would think that to. I would think people would question my desire for a child if I gave up.
I'm not ready for DE route, but wouldn't want to prevent DH from having his biological child and would do it for him (is this wrong?)
I would feel comfortable looking into adoption


Why is this so hard. I would really appreciate it if anyone else has been in the same position and their experience or advise on what they did.

Many Thanks a confused 'Warbabe'


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## Dee Jay (Jan 10, 2005)

hi warbabe
didn't wanto to read and run, 

in answer to your questions - sorry hun but I don't think that there is such a thing - as in there aren't any right answers - I think that you are doing a good job of posing all the questions and even answering some of them yourself.

I know that this is stating the obvious but you have to do what feels right for both of you, talk long and hard about your options and reasons for and against and you will come up with the right answer, it may just take time,

sorry I can't be more helpful hun, but I think that the answers are there for you, you just have to work them out!!

best of luck with whatever you decide,
lol
Dxxx


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Warbabe

I have done 9 cycles of DE (some were double donor i.e. donor sperm too) but we have moved on to adoption which has been a much more positive experience for us. Please feel free to PM if you think talking to someone who has done both DE and adoption would help you.
In a nutshell for me the biology/genetics has never been important - it was never an option anyway as I was diagnosed with premature menopause long before I even considered having babies. For me having a pregnancy seemed very important and that was the big attraction of donor eggs but after 8 BFN's and a m/c I have accepted that actually it is a family I want not a pregnancy. Finally that goal looks in sight. I feel so much happier and less stressed than I did when I was doing IVF's back to back.....
As I say please PM if you have specific questions, I'm happy to help and share my experiences if I can.

Love Crusoe
x


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Warbabe,

Like Crusoe I've done DE and probably would have done more if I hadn't been told the fibroids and endo I had would reduce our chances significantly. We'd already considered adoption 2 and a half years ago so knew it would be the path we took at some point when we decided to call a halt to tx. I'm so relieved to be off the roller coaster and wish in some ways I'd stepped off it before. Even though IVF is tough it's quite addictive too because you can't help thinking that next time it might just work. 

Only advice I can give you is to take a few months off ttc and see how you feel. Perhaps read some books about adoption and see how you and your DH feel in the New Year. Like Dee Jay says you sort of know when you're ready for the next stage be that DE or adoption. 

Good luck with whatever you decide. 

CG xxxxx


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## warbabe (Aug 17, 2005)

Hi,
Thanks for your responses. I think I'm way off deciding what to do. I can't stop thinking about this, but think of pro's and con's of both. How on earth am I going to decide
I was reading someones diary (not on here!) over adoption, and it wasn't a good experience which got me really worried that I don't know enough about it yet.
On the other hand I'm begining to have doubts over DE, and think I would be doing it purely for my DH benefit. Although if he knew this he wouldn't approve. 

I think this will take me a while, but don't feel like I have time on my side.

Thanks again.
Warbabe


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Warbabe

Its a tough decision to make and one that you can't make lightly.  For us we had lost a precious baby at 12 weeks on attempt #4 and that kept driving me to do ivf.  We ended up going to Spain for DE and they actually told us we had needed DS all along, after 6 attempts we were not best pleased as you can imagine!  By then we also had immune issues which had been triggered by the pg so extra expense and complications but we did do 2 cycles both with DE and DS to no avail.  DH then dropped the bombshell that he wasn't prepared to carry on with tx, he couldn't take anymore heartache and just simply wanted a family!

At that time I had lost faith in ivf working but found it very hard to give up and start something new so we made a pact that we would look into adoption and if at any point we felt it wasn't right we would go back to ivf.  This was a safety net for me that I never really believed I would use but I was scared of the unknown.  The further into adoption the more right it felt and now we have our Son, less than 2 yrs from start to finish and we went to court last week to make it official.  We couldn't be happier.

Doubts over DE?  Loads!!  But when we made the decision I still wanted to be pg and was prepared to try anything though maybe it was those doubts that stopped it from working?

Doubts over adoption? Again loads and I don't think you'd be normal if you didn't (IMO) as it is such a BIG commitment to a child that has already lost so much.  You can contact agencies, go to info evenings etc etc to find out more and no one will pressure you into taking it further, in fact they wait for you to contact them, and you can postpone or pull out at any time.  For us though it has been a much more positive, happy experience than ivf, so much so we will definately be going back through it for a sibling!

Good luck
OT x


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Very well put Old Timer - my experiences and feelings mirror yours very closely. Especially the bit about about losing faith in DE, finding it hard to give up but reassured that you could return to it if adoption didn't feel right. Like you the more we have progressed, however, with adoption the more and more right it feels.

Good luck deciding Warbabe - you are only 34 so you do have time. 34 is young for donor eggs and don't get too hung up on being too old to adopt a young child (if it's a young child you want) I am 40 my DH is 41 and we are linked with a child who is only 16 mths.

Love Crusoe
x


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## warbabe (Aug 17, 2005)

Thankyou all for taking the time to respond and sharing your experience. You all give great advice, and its so good to hear such positive experience with adoption.

I'm just so tired of treatments, heartache and everyone else having children and being left behind. What I'm worried about is that I want a break from treatment, but then say in 6 months I will have forgotton about painful experience of tx and will want another go. Odds are it will be another BFN, and then I'll have a further 6 month wait before starting adoption route. Added onto this the 2yrs for adoption, it will be 3+ years till we have a child, and by then I'll be going on 38. So that's 10 years from starting TTC we may have child. 

I think my plan at the moment is to enjoy Christmas, then start looking into adoption with the safety net of IVF (Thanks - Old Timer!!)

I just need to have a long chat with DH now!

Thankyou Crusoe, Old Timer, Cotswold Girl and Dee Jay.
Warbabe


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