# Feel like I am going backwards



## Bubble41 (Jan 20, 2008)

Hi 

My husband and I have are adopting a 3 1/2 year old girl who has been with us a few weeks.

After and unsettled first few days everything seemed to be going really well.  We had all bonded, she was eating and sleeping great and we were all settling into our new routines.

She was not well last week, was off her food and was waking up numerous times during the night.

Since then everything has become a battle with her.  She wont eat (she has one mouthful and says shes finished) everyday things like washing her hair/ brushing her teeth/ getting a wash are a nightmare as she screams the place down she doesnt want  to do them.

If I say no to her or ask her to do something she doesnt want to again she just screams.

The health visitor has told me that when she is screaming to just walk away or ignore her but it is difficult as I feel awful seeing her upset as she has only been here a short time.  On the other hand I know if I give into her all the time I know in the long run it wont do either of us any good.

It is also not helping matters that she is not potty trained, which I am trying to do before she starts pre school in september (another massive change for her)

When I speak to people they just say think of everything shes been through, which I do but I am finding it really draining when she is constantly screaming
x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi Kelly 

I have been there (our daughter was 2.5 when she came home and sounds very much like yours) so I can really sympathise. We too had a honeymoon period of around 4 days...

It seems to me like she is grieving. Our DD used to have terrible tantrums too and controlled food massively.

I would ignore what the HV says. She is probably telling you what she tells all birth parents but as you know, being an adoptive parent is v v different. Your DD has been through loss, trauma and is terribly scared and confused. What she needs now is reassurance. Hold her close and comfort her (if she will let you) - don't ignore or walk away or you're confirming her worst subconscious fears that you too will leave. 

It doesn't seem it now but it's a good sign that she's showing her fear. I'd be more worried about a quiet, compliant child that's internalising everything. At least she's confident enough to show you how she feels.

As regards potty training, I'd leave it. It's not going to work while she's so anxious. Does she REALLY have to start pre-school in Sept? Could it wait until after Xmas?

Limited choices worked on our daughter (eg this one or that one.... either wah your face yourself or I'll do it....) then they think they have some control. Clear boundaries and don't worry about food. She won't starve.

Lots of reassurance and claiming (you're my little girl, you're staying here forever)

Google Theraplay and therapeutic parenting.

Sorry about the rush - I'm at work !! If I think of anything else I'll be back......... Oh and use your support network! Look after YOURSELF - those first months are HARD!!!!!! xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i echo jitterbug..i would absolutely not stress on the potty training..unless there is some desperate need for her to go to nursery in sept i would nor send her for now..she doesnt need the extra stress..amd nor do you..getting her settled is most important just now

kj x


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## MaeveB (Jul 1, 2012)

I also echo jitterbug... 'I would ignore what the HV says. She is probably telling you what she tells all birth parents but as you know, being an adoptive parent is v v different. Your DD has been through loss, trauma and is terribly scared and confused. What she needs now is reassurance. Hold her close and comfort her (if she will let you) - don't ignore or walk away or you're confirming her worst subconscious fears that you too will leave'

I had a similar situation with a foster child we had for over a year, it's draining, but this will pass.

Wishing you all the very best.


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