# Hello Girls - Newbie



## Guest (Jan 29, 2007)

Hi Girls  

After months without FF because everytime I logged on I have felt more low, because all the threads that I used to post on and 'belong' in, I really don't now   And altough I say this, I have met lots of wonderful friends through FF, but as I am sure you will all understand on here, its hard to fit in when your life is still stuck in the 'waiting stage'.

DH and I have had 3 failed cycles 1 x IVF (1 egg fert out of 11) moved to ICSI x 2 last go we had the best embies possible but alas no BFP 2 lines   
We did all three cycles in less than a year (I know)   and realised when our third cycle failed and little hope was offered, it was time for a break and to see where life would take us next.....nobody has been more suprised by this break than me, as sadly I am Mrs must do everything now!

The past few weeks I have been thinking about never having tx again, fed up of being a guinea pig and for no hope or joy.......why do it!

Still, me being me worries about everyone else and what they think, ie my mom, dad, in-laws, best friends etc its so hard isn't it we start to come to terms with 'our' situation and then worry about how others will feel about our decision.  

My mom and I have had a very tricky relationship recently, its like this....We can't talk about IF because as she says herself "Life's a B**th!" she never asks how I am dealing with things and just simply offers no support, which makes me feel like I am a drama queen and its all very upsetting. Has anyone else had similar?

I told her the other week that DH and I didn't think we would try IVF again and her reply was, of course you will, don't be silly. It seems like all my close friends think the same. So someone please tell me how you came to terms with your decision and how others dealt with it?

Thanks for reading xxx
P.S. I really could waffle on about all sorts for hours now, but I won't


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Coming back to this jodie- rushing to class. Back around 3.45 and will reply then. xxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi Jodie  

What a tough tx journey you have had so far, my heart goes out to you, but so pleased you have felt able to come on here - I too had the same problem re logging on at times, in that it was really painful to go past all the other threads I had once been an active part of. 

This thread is the most caring place you could find, with lots of very courageous and wonderful wise ladies   who I am sure will offer you their experiences. 

I so remember having the same self torturous fears you are having now re worrying what people might think when and if tx ended (which it did do last year). Although it was a little different for me as tx ending wasn't an option, but a sad medical conclusion, it was still hard for friends to really get their heads around that, and so I did worry about them thinking Dh and I should have just battled on even more until we found some as yet undiscovered miracle cure for our IF probs. . . but you just must only think about you and your hubby at the mo.

What you have gone through is horrifically stressful and if you need time out or to call it time, you two are the only ones whose lives this impacts the greatest and you must be gentle on yourselves. The reality is some family and friends will never fully understand our position and therefore us tearing ourselves up with worrying about what they make of it all, will just drain us further, which is not good when you are already exhausted.

No one else has walked your exact tx experience and so to no one but you and your hubby will know what is right for the next step. Just listen to your hearts, give yourselves time, remember you have been through a lot of loss already   and with that comes painful emotions, so you need to just take good care of yourselves right now.

I wish I could offer more than that, but hope it gives a tiny bit of support. I am sure others will have a lot more they can share on this difficult topic.

BIG HUGS  
Love
Hippy
xxxxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hello Jodie, 

I'm really glad you've posted here - I reckon that between us ladies we should be able to answer some of your worries, and at least make you feel less alone.

We have some stuff in common, in as much a I did three treatments in a year, and then reached a point where even though I'm a 'get things done' kind of girl, I recognised the time had come to stop and examine how much further I could go. 

First, I would recommend really appreciating just how hard it is to have done what you have done so far. There is no other expereince toerated by so many ordinary men and women in our society that wreaks the emotional and physical toll that treatment does. YOU ARE ENTITLED to stop and breathe and think. Secondly, I would say that one of the very best things about being amongst other women who are facing real or potential childlessness is that they will NOT judge you for deciding to stop when you do. In my own personal experience pretty much everyone else finds it impossible to imagine what it like to make that decision, especially other people with children (and that includes our mothers!). They love their own children so much that they cannot imagine being without them, but they fail to recognise that this is not the same as battling against statistics, medical realities and relationship-draining experiences day in, day out. It is nothing like the same. Thus, they are not qualified to comment, and the comments they do make are of very limited value. Hippy is very right when she says that some people will never understand, and so you have to question whether or ot you want to devoted your precious, and probably for the time being, very limited, amounts of energy to worrying about it. If you have got to worry, can I suggest a daily 'worry-hour' say 4pm, and for the rest of the day you tell yourself, whenever those negative thoughts sneak in, that you only worry about this stuff at 4pm, and not other time! Sounds daft, but does work! It WILL get easier to deal woth other people's opinions and views, and you can rant here about the stupid things people say to you as much as you like, we always like to listen / be outraged on your behalf /  laugh along with you at the craziness of it all. 

You also ask a much bigger question about coming to terms with our decisions to not pursue treatment any further. We would probably all say, those of us who have had to make that decision, that we're still doing the 'coming to terms thing', it's a work in progress, and we can't say that we're 'there'. I have days when I am utterly at peace with deciding to not have any more treatment, other days where I cannot believe I'm a member of the childfree club, and it's like I am realising it for the first time al over again. But I also know that posting here and reading the words of my FF friends is one of the biggest source of inspiriation when I need a way to cope with the enormity of what we all deal with. 

I start from the position that it is, frankly, a miracle that each of us gets up in the morning, let alone goes out and earns a living or contrbutes to society, plays a part in a family, makes our relationship work and puts a meal on the table at the end of the day. Pat yourself on the back for still functioning, however under par you are, and be proud of what you have endured thus far. 

You're doing better than you think you are!

....and we are always here!


Love, 

Leoarna x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

P.S. It's short notice, butwe're meeting up this Sunday in Bath - do you want to come along? Let me know and I'll pm you the details, I know the girls would all say you are very welcome. 

Leoarna x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi again jodie- i see some girls got here before i got back to you.

Like you we did our main iui treatments very close together- 5/6 months in all between initial meeting/bloods etc.!!! We couldnt face anymore as i really fell apart after the 2nd failure. We did them quickly as the small private clinic where we were was planning on pulling the plug on iui and only offering ivf(whether a financial decision or not i am not sure) but i knew we had to get them done as dh wasnt too keen on going straight to ivf(we were unexplained,no real medical issues and dh already had dd).

I was due to have another iui but facing another bfn after the last on mothers day of all days!!! and couldnt face it.I took 5 weeks off work to pull myself together. I started to try to come to terms with things. 

That was summer 2005- we went on a lovely holiday, and i joined an art class. i spent a lot of money and effort keeping busy for the next few months and i was ok til Christmas when my sister announced her wedding.I fell apart again then but gradually came thru that too.

It is important that you feel ready yourself to give up ttc.I could have gone on about 1 ivf and i am sure dh would have given in thru time but i didnt know whether our marriage would survive.He hated all the clinic stuff-he is so private and he really didnt know what to do when i fell apart  that leads me on to the family thing....

I have had quotes from family such as....

my sil- also doing tx " well at least you have a stepdaughter"- doesnt stop the yearning for my own baby!!!

My dad - also mentionned sdaughter thing but has not really mentionned it much recently!!!

My mum - who at first kept saying " well we tried for  a few yrs too"- all of 2 and then managed to have kids.

and also when i was upset a few mths ago said" well you cant be sad about a baby for the rest of your life if you are not doing any more treatment!!!". We fell out big time over that as she will not ever really get the financial strain / work stress - getting off for apps and marriage falling apart side of it. 

I now realise no-one really understands except those in the same position.I finally told my sister last year and i actually wrote a list of what apps and treatment we had done over the yrs so she could see how traumatic it has been. In a way i hope she has mentionned this to my mum so i never have to!! So you see -we all have been there. i hope you sort things thru in your mind. if you need us we are here for you xxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Jodie,

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for all your losses -it's so so hard but .... welcome to this thread - I'm sure you will find it a fantastic place to come and feel less isolated - i know for me those lonely nights lying awake felt less painful thinking about all the lovely girls on here who really understand ....

I'm afraid I can't give you any words of wisdom on the lack of family support.  I've been very fortunate in that respect and I can't imagine how difficult that would be on top of everything else ....... Although I can totally empathise with your frustration and disappointment ....

What I can say from my experience is that after a certain point ... I think it was about 7 years of ttc and failed tx that I suddenly found this inner strength where I thought "bug*er" everyone else.  I just somehow managed to put myself first and primarily started "listening" to my own feelings and only doing what I felt I could cope with and NOT doing what I felt I couldn't.  I think experience and the sheer longevity of IF helped me to do this.  As much as I love my family to bits, there did come a time when I was able to put my feelings first, thinking it's ME that has this heartache, ..... they will just have to deal with it.  As I say though, I think this strength only came through many difficult experiences (and learning from them) as well as the length of time we had to go through it all.

All I can say is, I sincerely hope this happens for you too.  It's not easy but I really hope after all you've been through and still ARE going through, you manage to listen to your own needs and realise that those who really care, will understand (or at least try to)

Give yourselves some time for YOU and see where the road takes you next .....

Wishing you all the best, keep us posted
Love Gill xo


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi there Jodie Bogie,

If you are still deciding whether to have more treatment, you have to listen to your inner voice, your DH and your consultant. You 3 are the experts, your family and friends are not!

The members on this thread are so right in sharing that family and friends who have not been through anything similar often can't really understand. The media does not help them to understand as so often the impression is given that a miracle baby is in store for those who keep trying! If you decide to give up you may find you want to explain this to those close to you. If they won't listen then you may need to leave it for a while and concentrate on yourself and DH.

I appreciate that coming to this board is difficult as it may well mark something you hoped you would never have to deal with. Welcome anyway, and well done for seeking out the support you feel you need right now.

Love to you 

jq xxx


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2007)

Hi Girls  

Thank you all for your tremendous messages of support and encouragement, I really can't stress how much this has helped me! Its really nice to be able to talk with others who do understand how is feels when you suddenly think, "actually I don't wanna be a guinea pig anymore". 

As for my family and friends, I just think I need to try and have a bit more patience and distance  myself when I feel the need, which I have managed to do more of recently. I just find it so hard that everyone expects you to just keep on trying and can't understand how it feels when there feels like there really isn't much point anymore, and when you tell them that as hard as it is you don't think you will seek anymore treatment, they don't seem to accept it.

Leoarna I am going to try and put into practise your worry time, altough I don't seem to be doing too well so far today   but it does sound like good advice.

Thanks everone xx


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## Guest (Jan 30, 2007)

Forgot to say that I really would have liked to have met up in Bath (we used to live there), but sadly we do already have commitments here this weekend, thanks for thinking of me anyway xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Jodie, just to help you with the worry time thing, you could try having a notepad where you note the worry that comes up, and then you can say to yourself, 'I'm leaving that till my worry time'. Might work! You can also try having a post it note with a positive phrase on, either one you've heard or one you think of yourself, and every time the worries come up read it, whisper it, say it out loud whatever, but try to replace the worry with something more positive; how about something like, 'I'm making the right decisions for me and my hubby'. 

Hope you're having a good day!

Love, 

Leoarna x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

ps we try to meet regularly so there'll be another time x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Jodie Bogie
I have to say i love your name!!!!! 
I think i cannot add to what my wonderful and supportive friends have said. But maybe i could say something that may, or maynot help....
I so agree with issues mentioned on friends and family. It is about what you both choose to do and as JQ mentioned follow your inner voice. From experience i am not sure you can just finish it, its a process that comes with time. During the time you are going through your treatment and in between then this is also a grieving process. So its about taking each step at a time. 
Maybe your mum is hurting for you. Maybe your mum does not want to accept what is happening to you ?and maybe dismissing what you are trying to say, because she isn't sure what to say. Have you thought of maybe writing her letter or a card and write everything down. Maybe give it to her, or maybe keep it back, but atleast you have said what you wanted to say and express...
Ah coming onto friends, some understand alot better than others. They have all their own qualities and i am sure care about you....but i have found over the years, the ones i can share with try to understand what i was going through. Its also those friends that are here for me now.Some you let go along the way and as sad as it maybe, longterm i feel alot happier for it. I surround myself by people who really care and vice versa...its also about protecting ourselves...
I hope we can help you along the way, because we are there with you..although each of our lives are unique and we may have had different IF travels. We do understand the loss and pain that comes with it...thank goodness that we can share that and get some of this off our shoulders..
Keep in there it ain't easy....
lots of love astridxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi there Jodie Bogie and welcome.

There's not much I can add to the comments of the other ladies to be honest. You're right, it's a very tricky business coming to terms with the position you find yourselves in as a couple and then as an added "Brucie Bonus" you have to learn to manage the expectations of your friends and family at all the same time.

Like you I was very concerned what my friends and family would think by my throwing in the towel after three attempts. The reactions ranged from "I don't know why you did it in the first place" to "keep going, they _always_ get their babies in the end" (I kid you not).

Those who's responses fell into the last category (and I really care about) I sat them down and gave them a very, very candid account of just what it's like taking drugs designed to scramble your innards and mash your brains (spending your life savings in the process) knowing that there's little hope. Generally speaking they came around to my decision pretty quickly. (There's a lot of mileage in the odd graphic tale of horrible trigger injections).

On the mother point, it's interesting that mine hasn't referred to it once since I told her my last cycle failed. Not once in 18 months and we're quite close. She said at the time when will you try again and I said it wasn't that easy...roll out graphic tale of horrible trigger injections etc and that was it. She's never mentioned it since.

Anyway, I think Leoarna sums it up beautifully, the coming to terms thing is definitely "work in progress" but progress you do, bit by bit, step by step and I wish you loads of luck along the way.

flipper


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thats coincidental flipper that after i finally "flipped out " and told my mum all about the stress-(financial,time wise off work, relationship wise and also that it was OUR decision to make!! ) it hasnt come up again either.I just hope she remembers how hard it all is when my family members go on and have kids!


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Jodie Bogey (am also loving your name)!

Can't add anything better than what the lovely ladies have already said, suffice to say its hard enough without having external pressure or having to deal with other peoples' emotions surrounding your own personal tx journey, or journeys end as it may be.

It was for that same reason that myself and my DH kept our IVF private and away from the prying eyes of family... as for friends, well you really do discover who your friends are when you go through stuff like this!

We decided to walk away from tx, and I can honestly say that anyone who has put themselves through any IF tx and decided to knock it on the head is not a quitter or a shirker or didn't want it enough. Those of us who have been down that road know all too well the pitfalls, the financial drain and how horrible the drugs make you feel, never mind the rollercoaster ride itself!

Whatever the future has in store for you hon, I wish you peace and love. If only people realised the cost to ourselves when we go through treatment - you're assaulted from all angles really when you think about it with no guarantees either. We all understand where you're coming from, we truly do!

You take care sweetie
Emcee xxx


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