# ********



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

After waiting ages to hear about a couple of sibling groups, the cpr finally came in this evening and were dropped in.  One was of particular interest.  Anyway, read it and loved them. However, went on ******** and looked up mother and father, and birth father is grandson of mil friend, even though out of area.  We have been waiting weeks for this info, and have imagined them as you do.... Fall for them, and disappointment again.  So I will have to phone sw on Monday, and say we can't proceed, surely we can't right?  Mil doesn't really see this lady and she is proper sick, but, mil is likely to be loose lipped!
I can't believe this is going to happen again.  Our first link fell through due to security of birth family being friends of friends on ********.
It has a lot to answer too.  DH is like delete, but surely it's best to know?
I am just totally gutted.  Heartbreak again 
How do you cope x


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Mmm tricky one. What info would your MIL have on your child/ren?

No one except me and DH know LO's history, birth surname, birth parents names etc.
I'd be more concerned about the locality ie how likely could you end up overlapping with birth parents at Hospital/Health centres, shopping areas, swimming/ice skating activities?

******** is a difficult one as there's no way SSs can check all the links. Our LO is from a place over 50miles away from us, but when I looked up a distant birth family member, ** showed we had a connection in common (friend of a work colleague). My ** is fully private and after this I de-friended a lot of folk unless they know me very well. 

Also, there's a different way to answer this question regarding how much of a threat the BF are.

Only you and DH know if it's a risk and it's worth talking through with SWs as to how you could minimise the impact? 

Good luck x


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hi gertie, ours would too, but their names would be the same and they would no doubt tell their friends they had two new grandchildren through adoption and so boom!!

It's out there!  Birth family are about 80 miles away, however grandma would be local.  If they didn't know, as in grandma, all would be well, but doubt we could gaurntees it.  So hard x

We will talk to her on Monday, just so disappointed this has happened again xx


----------



## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Not sure what else I can add FMN but just wanted to send you hugs. 
As many others I am sure, I've  always been very mindful and worried about BF links. I can understand your frustrations and concerns. If the grandmother is likely to find out I have to be honest and say I wouldn't proceed. In the long run it would be too stressful on my emotional health, worrying all the time about it. But that's just my perspective. 
See what your SW says though. It may actually be that grandma is entitled to contact and doesn't have anything to do with her grandson so if this was the case and you were happy with these arrangements it might make things possible. Good luck hun
Xx


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Oh how upsetting!  You poor things.    I really would approach the conversation from the angle of "we really like this link, so is there anyway this can be made safe?" to the SWer.  Good luck!


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Really upsetting.... Again!  Cannot believe our luck, to be matched to these children, and to have it happen again.

It's not fair on the children, they need to be safe and secure and would compromise our relationship I feel.  So back to the drawing board


----------



## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Really sorry to read this   it goes to prove the six degrees of separation theory. Finding this thread very thought provoking. I never have and never will search birth parents on social media out of fear for what I may see... now wondering if it may have changed things in any way. Big hugs to you xx


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

It's so difficult... This isn't even anywhere near six degrees which is the scarey thing!!

I am pleased we did, for us it would have been immediate with their potential grandparents going to a friend of we have adopted x and game over.  We just wouldn't be safe, nor would the children.  It is clear they are very loved by birth parents, irrespective of what they have done, and that was hard to read and see all their baby photos. 

i felt awful looking, and the first time, didn't know if I should, but pleased we did, in the long run.  Without ********. We would have entered into an impossible situation, so I am thankful he children didn't get hurt anyfurther, but funny, we felt we loved them already, again.

Hope all is well with your lo's xx


----------



## Tw1nk82 (Dec 5, 2012)

So sorry that this has happened xxx


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks twink... It's the second time it's happened now!
Third time lucky! Here's hoping xx


----------



## Tw1nk82 (Dec 5, 2012)

It is just so frustrating for you   xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

So sorry to hear this.  It's a funny one pre ** you wouldn't have known.  It does bring into question ss like of working predominantly in small geographical close clusters.  Our placement was a very long distance match and although it was hard work I now honestly am really grateful.  I like lolly decided never to look at bp ** etc as I would also be scared of what I could see.  Hope a quick Match appears.  Have you thought of asking your sw to widen the search geographically to help avoid this x


----------



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hi diva 
These were our of our area but a fair distance within our consortium.... However there was still a link.  We have been looking on adoption link but think get declined based on distance.
Like you I would be happier with that, but who knows. Just so pleased we did else these children wouldn't have been safe.  We did think well if we don't say anything they won't know, but we could see it all unravelling 
I just hope our next link is ok... It's just the same as treatment, it chips away at you with another piece of your heart u have given to the potential children.
It's unavoidable to talk and start attaching with them xx


----------

