# IS A DONOR CHILD THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR ME?



## mittens (May 3, 2008)

Ladies

I have been a bit anxious about writing this email because I am scared I might be alone in this. 

Its just that my dh and I have been told its highly unlikely we will have our own biological child, so the next step is donor sperm, donor egg, adoption or no kids. 

Why am I so nervous about the donor option? You'd think I should be running my way back into the clinic to give it a try. After all I desperately want a baby, but the problem is I wanted mine and my dh's baby. I am actually starting to doubt my own maternal instinct. 

Is donor just another step on this medical treadmill that I cant jump off. When clinics say donor to you they say it almost like its a bit of medicine, but its not is it.... or is it? I dont know, I am so confused with how I feel. 

I guess I always wanted an uncomplicated family. I grew up with a family of step, half brothers, sisters and parents due to divorce and though I love my family dearly it can get quite messy at times, and still is. So I strived always to create this perfect, uncomplicated family. Now I realise this is just not going to happen. I guess I am just scared of it all going wrong by creating a family that will have underlying issues or potential rifts.

I dont want to come across as ungrateful, and know that I am lucky to still have options left open to my husband and me, for now. I just wondered how the rest of you felt about this. Is my maternal instinct too weak? I am seriously starting to doubt myself. 

I hope you can help. To hear your thoughts would be invaluable.

Mittensx


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## Bluebottle (Nov 12, 2007)

Hi

Didn't want to read and run.

No is the answer to your question!! Your maternal instincts are not too low. You wanted a baby yes, to have children together. But not at all costs. Going ahead with a donor requires alot of thought and consideration. It's definitely not something to be taken lightly, or to rush into. Infact I would be seriously worried if you just chose to ditch your own eggs/sperm and move onto a donor without a thought. 

I truly believe (and there is lots of evidence to back this up on the DCN website) that if you tell children about them being donor conceived from a very young age it will limit any future problems to the very bare minimum. If you and DH are ok with using donors then so will your child if you tell them as soon as you can. Then they will grow up just knowing about their origins and will never have known any different. But, you have to be 100% ok with it all, because I do believe than children can pick up on tiny things from their parents. And any 'negative' feelings about it all may very well be picked up on by your children. Being open and honest with yourselves and the children (and close family is you choose too) is the key I think.

Certainly do not rush into this. Talk it all through with your DH ... make sure that you both want to bring a family up together, and that may mean that family is not biologically linked to one or both of you. But you will not love that child any less I'm sure. And you have to know/believe that together you would make wonderful parents to any child. You have to be a united front on this I believe. 

Anyway - enough waffling (I do tend to go on!).

I hope this has been of some help to you. Good luck with your choices.    

BBxx


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## margesimpson (Sep 8, 2008)

Hi mittens,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It is such a emotive and difficult decision to make. We've made the decision to go with donor sperm, but haven't actually started treatment properly yet and I have to say I still have the occasional doubt. I don't think they'll really go away until we get our BFP and eventual baby! However I've got lots of support and information from the Donor Conception Network and the Anyone using donor thread and I know deep down this is the right decision for us. My fears come now, from thinking that it might not work!  

Give yourself time to let your gut feeling come through - I was amazed how I seemed to find it much harder than DH to accept. We knew we both definitely wanted to have a family, so the dilemna was only how to get there. I felt adoption was an equally appealing option and felt if I couldn't have DH's child I didn't want to have another man's. DH however pointed out one teary morning that this would be OUR baby I would have and he would love it so much because it was part me  

You're fears, anger and doubts are all totally, totally natural and normal, but DCN sites that children who are brought up knowing that they are donor conceived, know that they are totally loved and it is nothing to be ashamed of. The key to "uncomplicated" relationships may be clarity and openess rather than biology.

Maybe you'd like to join us on the donor thread to get the idea of just how much happiness little babies conceived from donor bring?  
Marge x


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## Lilo2 (May 10, 2009)

Hi mittens, it is a shock to be told that the donor route is your only way to have a baby, and it takes everyone a different length of time to get used to the idea - and of course some people decide it isn't what they want.

Give yourself time, chat to people on the boards, mull it over... you will eventually come to know if it is what you want or whether you would rather go another way.

For me it's taken me years to get to accept the idea, but I realise it's my only chance, so now I'm keen to do it.

Lilo x


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Mittens
All the support and advice you have received above is very wise counsel indeed.  I just wanted to say that i think your feelings about needing to use a donor are completely normal for the stage you are at.  We all want to have the child of our own and a loved partner's genetic heritage and when the realisation hits that this is not going to be possible, then grief and sadness are really the only reasonable responses.  Doctors do tend to offer donor conception as if it was 'just the next medical step'...but it isn't...it's different, and it takes time to mourn not being able to use your own eggs or your partner's sperm to create your family, and then be ready (or not, as DC is not right for everyone) to move on to having the family that it is possible to have.  There is also mourning for 'the perfect family' as well...perhaps stronger for you because of your history.  A DC family may be second choice, but it is never second best and I know from personal experience (my children now being 26 and 22) that normal family life (whatever that is),including strong and warm relationships between my infertile husband and our children, is absolutely achievable.  We cannot imagine having different children!

Take as much time as possible to think, feel, grieve and mourn.  Don't let your clinic push you into making decisions you are not ready to make yet.  Have a look at our web site www.dcnetwork.org for stories of DC families and do join us for more support if you would like to (in addition to FF of course).

There is nothing wrong with your maternal instinct.  You just need time to get your head round this.
Very best wishes
Olivia


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## Coffeebean (May 21, 2009)

Hi Mittens

I just wanted to say that I think, that once you feel that baby growing inside you, you will not think of it as anything but your and DH's baby.  The eggs are genetic material, but the baby will grow in side you, and I believe the soul that it will carry, WILL be connected to you and your DH.
Even when we have our own children, they can be born with traits that we don't recognise, that come from some generations back.  
I know a couple who were given donor embryos - the child was not genetically related to either of them, and it is amazing, that little girl is now 3 and looks just like them!

We are also facing this decision now.  DH's sperm is not good but they said they can still do ICSI.  But I have been told donor eggs is my only realistic chance.

Some years back I saw a documentary about a guy who had twins (or maybe triplets) by a surrogate mother.  He took them to meet the egg donor, and then the surrogate mother.  The egg donor woman said 'Oh yes, they are nice' but felt no emotional connection to them at all, apart from noticing maybe they looked a bit like her.  The surrogate mother, who gave birth to them, burst into tears when she saw them.

So I really think most of the connection comes about as a result of those 9 months, and for your husband, as he goes through those 9 months with you.  And then the rest comes from the bonding after birth, when you hold that baby in your arms and get to know it.  

Just give yourself some time to come to peace with this, as others have said you have to grieve for the genetic child that you hoped you would have, and then you will be able to be more open to a donor child.


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## sally60 (Oct 13, 2004)

Hi Mittens,

I don't really have anything to add to the good advice you have already been given, just wanted to say that your feelings bear alot of resemblance to my own at your stage (nearly 6 years ago now...) I am still rather shocked that my doctor suggested the use of donor so flippantly because in truth its taken alot of vital thinking and grieving time to reconcile where we were with taking any next step. Like you I come from a 'complicated' family of step brothers and sisters and now have an immediate family scattered across 3 continents... its not what I imagined but then i believe we have to live and find joy in the hand we are dealt not an imagined one - picture book families are not necessarily the happiest families...

In the end my husband and I did decide to use a donor and have 2 fantastic children. Using donor was a second choice for us and I would love our daughters to share my husbands genes but if they did we still wouldn't want or imagine them to be any different ... if that makes sense

Give yourself and your husband as much time as you can

Lucy


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## mittens (May 3, 2008)

I just wanted to say THANKYOU. 

All your replies have thankfully made me realise I am not alone. I am crying with relief. 

I am going to reread and digest your answers again as they are so filled with good thoughts and insights. And it makes me realise that maybe I am living in a dream world too much. 

I so appreciate you giving your time to help me. 

Mittensx


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## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

Hi Mittens

You are certainly not alone as you'll realise from the posts already.  There are quite a few of us over on the single women's threads too having double donor Tx.  There was a fabulous post on another thread which is worth reading so I will try and remember where I saw it, by a consultant who is basically saying that although the child might not be genetically yours it will be biologically yours as can't have been created without your body, and will have grown from your body.  Silenced any final qualms I had.

RLx


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## eli..g (May 9, 2006)

Of course you are right to be worried, its only human.  I can assure you that your fears have been felt by so many of us and you are not alone.  I cannot add anything else that says it better than anyone above, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.  Just reading your first message reminded me how all the heartache hits you so bad, but i can assure you it does get better and time will help you make your choices.  You will know when its time to move on and when you are ready, In the mean time, we are all here xx


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## ceci.bee (Nov 1, 2008)

Hi MIttens

I just wanted to let you know that I am at a similar stage to you with regard to DS. My DH has NOA due to a y gene deletion and although there were some sperm seen on a diagnostic biopsy there were none found at formal SSR. We are having a second SSR but are not hopeful and realise that DS are probably our best hope of a family. I am really struggling to deal with this as a concept, particularly as my DH is a really wonderful man with so many great traits, along with a long strong jewish heritage which obviously is passed genetically, and I have always fantasised about our baby and looking at all its traits and the heritage it would carry and feel like alternatively bursting into tears and vomiting when I think about DS. I have found counselling really helpful to work through what I have realised is a grief reaction to mourn for the family I longed for us to have and you may well find it helpful for you. I am going to a seminar at the DC network with DH in september when we have our second cycle to talk to other couples, as reading Olivia's and Lucy10s posts on here along with others does give me hope that if we have babies with DS that they will be loved and wonderful children, but I still can't get my head around it yet if that makes sense.
Good luck on your journey and feel free to PM me to chat anytime.

Love
C


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