# Given up on having children, but I still want a family.



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello lovely friends.

I just want to share with you that I feel so sad. I think I should be part of a close family, but I am not. I really can't describe how I feel, just tell the story.

I have a half brother, JJ, born when I was nearly 17.  I looked after him a lot and  sometimes he called me "mum" by accident. All my mum's friends kept saying i would be a great mum as I was so "good" with him. At 18+ I left home for university and I really missed him day to day. Then my parents kept moving so I saw them less and less. JJ and I stayed close and he used to share his growing up problems with me. Now he's in his 30s in NZ and is part of his girlfriend's NZ family. He rang tonight for the first time in months to say he will be married soon and will live there permanently.

My Dad is Spanish and married a Spanish woman after divorce from Mum, so he went back to Spain. I never see him now, he has never forgiven me for choosing to live with my mum when they separated.

Ironically my mum and stepdad retired to Spain. 

My full bro P is also in Spain, recently married. He went to Spain with my Dad after the divorce. P sees a lot of Mum, Stepdad and Dad in Spain.

I have no other blood relatives in England.

Because I split from DH 4 and 1/2 years ago I am no longer close to most of his family even though we got (sort of) back together 2 and 1/2 years ago. One of his sisters stays in touch and we get on well, but never see each other. (Her husband thinks I am a bad influence. They have been on the rocks for years but stay together for religious reasons. I think he thinks I encourage her to leave him, but I don't, I just listen to her when she is down.)  Her children ring me sometimes, but we have not all met up since DH and I split, except for a funeral 1 year ago.

DH and I still live apart and have pretty separate lives though we see each other 2 or 3 nights a week. 

Mostly I am OK with the life I have. But I miss being part of a close family. And tonight I feel so sad, even though I know I should not be!

What sparked this off was a phone call from a young friend, B, who I know through riding. He is only 22 and I have known him since he was 20 since when I always thought I would be so proud to be his mum. He reminds me a lot of my JJ and I think he looks like he could be my son.

B is handsome, kind and talented. He looks after his widowed mum who he says is a bit mixed up as his dad died 3 years ago and she loved him despite his aggression. B is struggling with his sexuality and confides in me, can't talk to his mum as he thinks she will be too upset if he comes out as gay. I have never met her, so I don't know.

He rang me from a club tonight to arrange to ride together tomorrow. I guess he was a bit drunk. but he said "I really love you. You are my second Mum!" Then he sent me a text "I think the world of U. XXX"

I know I should be grateful for what I have, especially B's friendship, but I can't help feeling that life is all turning out wrong. I want to have a home with my partner and a close family of my own, and B should not have to worry about his own mum but should have the support of both his parents while he is still trying to find his way in the world.

I have always wanted to be part of a close family. Even though I have given up on having children I still want a close family.

Sorry if I am wittering, just needed to get this out. I must get to bed!!!!!

Thanks for reading, jq xxx


----------



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Oh Jq   hun what a complex and challenging life you have experienced I am so desperately sorry you are so down at the mo. You have given so, so much to this thread in such a short space of time, to hear you feeling so sad makes me feel sad too  

From all your posts you are such a wonderful, caring, kind, wise and fun person to have around, you deserve so much to have people around to share that all with, and all I hope is 2007 may bring untold suprises and relationships so you will feel less alone. 

I hadn't realised you and your Dh were no longer together, and it is a poignant reminder to those of us on here who do have DHs by our sides of just how precious that is. 

We are all here for you hun, please keep coming on here and sharing with us any time you feel lonely and know you are much thought about and cared for on here. When I have my very low times this site has felt like a sort of alternative/extended family for me, a place full of very special big sisters who I can talk to about anything   and who always manage to life my spirits  

HUGE HUGS

Hippy
xxxxxx


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Dear jq

I wish I could be as helpful and kind to you as you have been to me. I hate to hear you sounding so sad, and am sending you a HUGE cyber-hug  

It sounds as though its really hard for you to be parted from JJ by such a long distance. My little sister has been living in NZ for 2 and a half years now, and I have only seen her once in that time, so I can sort of relate to what you may feel on that side of things...I miss her painfully at times! I am one of 5 children and we all grew up very fond of each other but are now scattered rather and see each other only a few times a year and I miss them loads. It must be extra extra hard when you feel like you were such a big part in JJ's growing up. It doesn't help that NZ is such a long journey either! If only you could hop on a plane for a couple of hours and spend a weekend together  
Wish I could wave a magic wand for you.....

As for B, its lovely that you have such a good relationhip with him and I'm sure it brings rewards and you wouldn't want that any different, but I can really imagine that in some ways the fact that its a good relationship perhaps sometimes highlights the lack of your own children. I imagine that the fact that your family members are scattered and seem out of touch/reach makes your desire for your own family unit (i.e DH and children) seem extra painful, especially if B reminds you so much of your jj.

Sorry, I'm not expressing myself very well, and hope I'm not blundering around insensitively, but feel for you and empathising like mad. This time of year and the festivities only serve to intensify feelings like this, as you so perfectly said in your lovely post to me. Theres can be so much pressure to feel part of the myth of the perfect family christmas, when the reality is that life is just not perfect and rosy-cheeked like that! 

As i get older my family seem more like friends and my friends seem more like family, so its very frustrating that society creates such clear-cut definitions of what 'family' is. There are so many of us who just have so much love to give to whoever is around to recieve it!!

Sorry for babbling inanely but wishing you the most enormous hugs, and hope you feel a little better today.
   xxx


----------



## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dearest jq,

I'm sorry you are having such a horrible time!
you are a very special person and don't deserve to have to deal with all of this.
Big hugs to you luvvy!!

Life is a funny thing. I don't think you realise how precious the whole concept of "Family" is until you don't have it. Being IF forces you to look at "Family" in a different way.
It can be hugely isolating to feel so alone. It is especially hard at Christmas.

I don't have any easy answers but hope that you can find comfort in shared grief and friendship here. There is also the knowledge that what we have is different from what society expects and different from what we all hoped for but that pain and grief brings great strength of character ( I know,I don't want strength of character either - just a baby!!). I have noticed that a lot of us here work in jobs that involve helping others and that all of us have a wonderful capacity to give out words of comfort to others from the very depths of grief and sadness  - and that surely is worth more that the obligatory 2.1 children and nice house and all the rest of it.

I also note that a lot of you have lost their family to NZ - I'm living in NZ so I feel a bit bad about that! New Zealand is a beautiful country with lakes and rivers and mountains that take your breath away and transport you somewhere else.  Rest assured that your loved ones are nurtured by the beauty of the place.
Actually I was born in UK and greatly miss all of my extended family there. I have a real longing to go back and visit.

Anyway back to you jq. Take care luvvy. I hope you find what you need to find..
Lots and lots love Joanne/Emma


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Jq

I read your post with interest and sadness!! I can really understand the feelings and the sadness of what you are saying. When i read behind your posts title 'Given up on having children, but i still want a family'. I can really read inbetween those lines and what you are saying.
Its sad that we never ever got the 'wish' of having our own family. But there is also a loss of not having a family in your own family. If that makes sense?  Sometimes i even think because we are in the position that we are, we can be so vulnerable at times and take the little that we can that is being offered to us.I think this family thing is also highlighted at Christmas and it always brings to the forefront about the 'family' thing. 
But after reading your post, i can see that there is alot of love and affection that is given by B. You sound as if you are a great and wonderful support to him and others in life.
You are a great and wonderful person. I do in a way understand where you are coming from? and i hope that you will find that happiness sometime in the future with a lovely partner.
The other thing i wanted to bring up...i hope i am not putting my foot in it. But it is not your fault about you wanting to live with your mother in England. I am sure that your father really understands that deep down, and at the time you did it for it the right reasons..please do not blame yourself. I understand that i do not know your family dynamics, but please do not blame yourself for something that was out of your hands..
Maybe you could stand back and take a good look at yourself, because you have so much to offer and it sounds as if you are apprieciated.And of course we do as well...
But i know that i cannot offer the solution to this family feeling of wanting one, because i feel this in my own family too. I am sure you are not alone in this feeling also...
take care love astridx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thank you all so much for your kind replies which I just got to read. ( I was at Dh's Sat night and out all day Sat and Sun.) Things just got worse on the personal front which I may write you about privately if I can work out how to send a group personal message. (Too tired to do one by one and too personally difficult for me to share for "general consumption") Despite this, it has really helped to hear from you all.  

What I am going to do is share a post about being assertive that has been on my mind for a while as it will help me to get things off my chest and may be of interest. 

Love to you all,

Jq


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Jq, i am so sorry you miss your half brother and brother so much. I do understand- my eldest brother died when he was 22 - we were very close (only a year between us) altho i had been away at college for the last 2 yrs.I think he would be the person i would have been closest to now that we have grown up and i often wonder what discussions we might have had.I also wish he had met my dh and vice versa- he died when i was still with the guy at uni (before i met dh) who he didnt particularly like(turned out had good reason and i think he would have liked my dh.

My other brother is 5 yrs younger but i suppose we became closer after the older one died. Then at 26 he went off to Australia for a year.We stayed up quite late the night before and it felt we were close. While he was in Australia i kept hoping and hoping i would get pg and be able to fone him and tell him before he came back. No it didnt happen. We also worried that he would meet a nice Australian girl and stay there. In some lucky way he met a girl from beside us at home!!! and they both returned a year later.

The bad thing for me is that now he obviously is closer to her and i found her quite hard to take to when we first met. They got engaged in Aug and i get on ok now with her but i miss how close me and my brother were.I dont talk about anything intimate with him now as i feel i dont know her well enough and he might tell her which i wouldnt want.I know they are aware that we wanted a child but its never mentionned. What i am trying to say is that even when our family is near it doesnt always mean we will be close as grown ups.Especially when in laws move in!!

Do you have any close cousins that you have stayed friendly with? I have 2 sisters but again it doesnt always lead for plain sailing. Th one closest to me (34) got married in Aug- i finally told her in detail about my tx problems in March and she was very understanding. I know tho that it will be hard to hear she is pg. i am not sure what the future holds for us when this happens(as with my other sister-i am the oldest).

I think it is nice that this young man you know from riding feels he can turn to you.It is sad that he feels he cant tell his mum but if you can help him along the way then thats good.Take care xxxx


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi JQ huni,

Sorry for the delay in replying to this .....

Well, I was so moved by your post, I really don't know what to say ...

Your feelings of isolation and lonliness really struck me...  it must be so hard to have your family so spread out.  You said you get on well with your sister and law but you don't see each other very often.  Is this something you would like to/could change perhaps?

I know you're not living with your partner at the moment, but have you discussed these feelings with him at all recently?  I know these questions may seem obvious and I hope not patronising but I just have no other words of wisdom for you.

I feel so sad when you say, "I can't help feeling life is turning out wrong ..."  I get the impression you feel it is too late to change it?  I know it's not just as simple as that but I really hope you find something, whether it be from friends, your partner, or re-kindling the relationships with your Mum and Brother (.. not sure how you feel about contacting your father again), even if it just means phoning them more often or something?

Maybe you could even talk through your feelings with B?  it sounds as if you have a great relationship there  - although I fear you may be worrying about all he has on his plate as well as trying to deal with all you have on yours ...?  

I really wish I could be of more help here.  I feel so helpless for you ...

Sending you HUGE HUGS,  and hoping you find peace very soon
All my love
Gill xo


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi jq

Sorry to be so late to this too.

In many ways I empathise with your situation - my parents are deceased and my extended family all live overseas. The only family I really truly have is my DH. I have 2 older brothers (or 'bothers' to coin a phrase) but only ever hear from them when they are wanting something from me - they aren't in the slightest bit supportive or understanding, never have been. One of them is an alcoholic and the other one is I suspect on the autistic scale as he has never been able to relate to people/social situations etc in the way that other people do, nor was he able to attend mainstream school etc. 

I miss being part of a close family too - I miss it dreadfully. I find I am filled with sadness and twinges of jealousy when friends comment about christmas or even plain old Sunday dinner spent at their parents with their siblings, kids etc or when their folks bend over backwards to help them out. I find christmas particuarly difficult because it smacks of everything I don't have - parents, children, extended family - that feeling of being loved and secure in the knowledge that you have your family around you, that you are insulated from the outside world. 

Not a day goes by when I don't think about how alone in the world I would be without my DH. I feel so guilty sometimes because he doesn't have anything to do with his family any more because of the comments they are always making about my IF. He is sick to the back teeth of me having to defend myself when around them, having to answer intrusive questions to them (usually I tell them to go help themselves to a rather large cup of shut the f**k up) and them not being interested in what we are doing in our lives, only our lack of procreating abilities. How shallow they are, huh? Tossers, the lot of 'em! 

Sorry I couldn't be more postive to you in my post jq. A situation like this sucks. Don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful friends who are always there for me at any time, but you know how the old saying goes 'blood is thicker than water'

Sending my love to you
Emcee xxx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello. More caring replies! I am so grateful to you all. I am so sorry to hear that some of my friends here also miss having a close family, especially for Irisheyes who lost her brother and Emcee whose parents have died.

I decided to do a single reply here after all as some of your questions and comments touch on what has recently happened to make things difficult to deal with at present. 

First of all, answers to some of your questions/suggestions.  I am worried the answers may seem too negative, but I want you all to know that I appreciate your thoughts. I have thought hard about it and think I would prefer to get a full response to my posts than to hear nothing, so I hope you will too.

I can't see SiL much as she lives on IOW and when back on mainland goes to her father who is in Midlands. (I am in SW.) Also her husband is not keen on her mixing and will not have guests as he is paranoid we will encourage her to leave him - he is an alcoholic and in many ways she wants to leave but religion and worry about what would happen to him stop her. Also she has ME and often is too weak to do much. It would be good if we could see more of one another, but I accept that we can't and we have learnt to be a good support to one another by phone.

I don't have any cousins in England. I never got to know the cousins on my Dad's side who live in Spain, France and S.America! (I'm not even sure how many I have or anything much about those I know about!) Mum's brother long ago went to USA. J, my oldest cousin, who I missed when they went, died of cancer, aged 29, about 20 years ago now. Her brother was a rebel and is not really in touch with anyone in the family. Uncle and Aunt had another girl when in States and I have only met her once, didn't have anything in common. She was so racist which I can't stand, wants to put people to the electric chair, loves her gun, thinks Europeans are backward and weak, seemed very materialistic. It would be nice to have some close cousins, but as that has never really been part of my life I don't feel hurt by the lack.

My Dad really is a case! When I went to live with my mum after their separation he was so angry with me. I did try to get some sort of reconciliation with him when I was 19 but he was impossible - He was away for the weekend when I arrrived alone in Valencia, although he knew when I was coming and had encouraged my visit! (Thanks for the welcome Dad!)  He told me all English women are whores (Thanks Dad, I'm English.) He told me to take messages I will not repeat back to my mum in England..... Then he would ask me to tell him I loved him. I guess I did want to love him, but he was making it so difficult. So it went on till I returned home thouroughly upset. 

In my 20s I wrote occasionally with my news. His replies were always to berate me and he never said anything nice. He refused ever to come to England when given an open invitation. During the IF years of my 30s I gave up as I could not take it from him on top of all the pain you know IF brings. He told my brother it was fate's punishment to me for being such a bad daughter. 

In my 40s I tried again. After I gave up on ttc I thought it must be really awful for him to have had a daughter and not to be in touch, and I hoped he had mellowed. I made several trips to Spain to see him and each time he again and again told me how bad I was to have chosen to live with my mum when they divorced. He blamed her for their split as she eventually left for another man (my stepfather.) Never mind his violence that had driven her away. She had left before but in those days there was nowhere to go, except back to her mum and he just went round there and brought us home. When she finally got away he wanted me to talk her into going back and I refused. (I was only 11 at the time!) Even 30 years later on my new attempts to reconcile with him he was still telling me that it's my fault that they divorced! And then that by living with her and this "b**t**d" I had "torn our family assunder." I suggested to him that if he wanted to reconnect with me now he leave all that in the past and got on with his life and second wife who he has been with longer than he was with my mum. He was furious with me for daring to advise him!!!! He jabbed his finger at me and said "I will never ever forgive and I will never ever forget!" (He's such a drama queen!) 

Now I won't waste precious holidays being told I am a bad person, that English men are all hypocrites....blah, blah, blah.... I sent him a Christmas card last year and he wrote back a tirade to say that Christmas was for families and as my mother and I had "destroyed, divided and dispersed" our family he does not want cards from me. (OK Dad. Great alliteration. No card this year.) Mostly I have decided to give up on that relationship, but as Emcee says "blood is thicker than water" and I am not sure how I will feel when he dies if we have not shared some better times first.

To tell what is upsetting me now.

As you know, DH and I do not live together now. DH is D Heart, not Husband, as we never married. (I would have liked to marry, but not enough to leave him when I realised he never would.) 

During the time we lived together he avoided spending any time with my Mum and Stepfather. (My Parents.) He did not like them and focused on their bad points rather than seeing the good in them. It was always an issue. 

We dealt very differently with our IF, he was more resigned to it and did not hold out much hope for treatment, even though he had so much wanted children. I found it really difficult to accept IF and once we started treatment I had high expectations. I guess that having hoped for so much I found it harder to cope with giving up, and once we gave up on ttc we drifted apart. 

He threw himself even harder into his work and into his teaching Aikido (both always a big part of his life.) After my working day I would need to deal with my horses which were to a great extent my baby substitutes. When I got home he was either still at work or off to his Aikido sessions, so I spent many evenings alone or with friends. I was not at all cross about this as I realised that my horses were as much a part of our not having time together as was his work and Aikido. In fact I considered myself lucky in comparison to horsey friends who were under pressure from non-horsey partners who did not have a time consuming interest of their own. Weekends were really busy filled with my riding, his Aikido and the boring household chores we had not done after work all week because of the Aikido evenings and horse responsibilities. 

I fell into a depression but did not recognise it and refused to listen to DH about it. I ended up questioning why we stayed together, especially as we did not have children. He was hurt by this and would ask "Aren't I enough for you?" I thought he could be enough, if only we had more quality time together. I don't think I explained this very well and we did not manage to make that happen. 

In the end I left him. One of the things that finally propelled me to do so was a particularly difficult time for me when I was torn between spending time with my Mum and his reluctance to be with my parents. Although I tried to explain this to him, I don't think he really understands. (That may not be enough of an explanation, but the full explanation is too detailed.) 

We sold our home and bought new places and were separated for about 2 years. During that time we both had another relationship. But we really missed one another and eventually got back together almost 3 years ago. 

Ever since our reconciliation I have hoped we could make a new home together and have said so, but I have not pushed it as I realise that as it was me who walked out I have to wait for him to feel ready to make that move. 

At first DH needed time to relax into our reconciliation. Next I think he worried that as we were getting on so well together while living apart he did not want to change things for fear that living together again would result in a return to old bad habits of taking each other for granted. He has also been busy with organising the transformation of an old church-become-printing-factory into a new centre for his own new business.  

More recently he seems to have moved closer to feeling that living together again is a good idea.

It has been a long wait! On Saturday we seemed to agree that over Christmas we should start to plan for making a new home. I felt so happy. 

In the meanwhile my parents and I had failed to communicate. They had gone on holiday and so I did not ring. Because they both got a virus they cut the holiday short, unbeknown to me.  As they have retired their days pass slowly. As my days are busy, my time moves fast. I did not get round to ringing as soon as they would have liked. My mum ended up worrying about me and tried to get hold of Paul's number to see if I was OK by ringing his dad whose no she still had.

This brought up again the "issue" of my parents. DH still seems to want nothing to do with them.
On Sunday he walked out of my house as he did not want to discuss it. Indeed since our reconciliation he has refused to discus the issues caused by his antipathy to my family, bar to say he never wants to see them again. 

I cannot understand his position. They are not monsters. They do have faults. I am unaware that they haveever done anyhing 

*bad towards him


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear JQ
I can understand where you are coming from now, whst you have written in your post and the issue of 'i still want a family'. It is also very difficult to suggest advice because we do not live fully your life. And of course i am sure that you have tried many things to try and make things liveable. And of course to find some harmony in your life...
And thats my point JQ you have reached a stage in your life where it is about you and what you want? The reason why i am saying this is because your parents have both walked in their own directions and built a life for themselves. Your father i am so sorry to say this but acts like a child and if he spends the rest of his life 'blaming you and others' well that is his choice. Can you find a way to try and accept thats the way he is and just let in the bits that you can cope with. JQ you have dealt with his issues for the last 39yrs, maybe its time for things to let go and move forward? you deserve that for yourself! 
I hope you do not mind me raising the point of what if he dies, where do you go from there? it takes two to make a relationship to work? My father was a very difficult man and did not talk to me or my other brother and sister for 15 yrs. He then got diagnosed with cancer died a few months later. As sad as it was we still all had the opportunity to say our goodbyes and we were very fortunate to have that chance. However, if he did not get diagnosed with cancer, i am wondering to this day he may still be not talking to us and remained a difficult man. We can only try our best and find some peace in our hearts that we have done everything.
I know i may sound cruel and i know blood is thicker than water. But because they are family we do not have to like them and vice versa. My friend recently lost her mother and it did get me thinking about things and this brought me to my sister. A very difficult person also and years of just argueing, she pushed it too far about 6months ago. Well as much as i feel that loss, i can pick up the phone and talk, but i know it will just lead to another fall out in how many months time. I have tried to make things work and thats my point. I now know that i do not want the next 20yrs of argueing  and being bullied. So therefore i would rather stay away until she can find a way to sit down and talk reasonably and come to some adult decisions. Until then it won't happen and infact i feel stronger and happier away from her, although sad about the loss. But to weigh the pros and cons up i feel that this is the healthier option in my life.
As far as your mother is concerned she has also made her own life and it sounds as if she is happy. So that is my point JQ, why spoil your happiness? Both your parents and family members are going back to someone each night and being supported...well maybe your Dear Heart is your new family, because reading between the lines he sounds as if he is the one that makes you happy...
I have to maybe suggest something...can you just accept they are his feelings about your parents. As much as it is not ideal and of course it does hurt, but why make anyone choose for what? Would he stop you seeing your family? if not can you visit them and enjoy their company. My hubby has a distant relationship with my family, but i visit mainly on my own...Infact i love it because i can give 100% to my mum...I know its not ideal but you also have a life too....maybe in a few years time he may come around?
My little next door neighbour said, who never also had children. Your partner is all we really have, they are the ones that understand us and love us.?Has she got a point?
You deserve that happiness....however i know where you are coming from about wanting a family...because i feel the same because mine is crap too....and it highlights at this time of the year that loneliness. But i also feel that i have my own life, i have to find that peace that i can maintain relationships in the family that i can look back and say that i have tried....and i am sorry but i cannot live my life for others. My sister does not like me and it hurts, however i could try and do everything to change, it but it won't happen because thats how she feels? does that make sense?
Sorry if i have gone one...i just think JQ you deserve to be happy and its on your doorstep!!.
love astridx


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Ouch jq, I really feel for you. The three people you love the most and one of the three wants nothing to do with the other two.  

Can you accept that (for whatever reason) your dh wants nothing to do with your parents and "manage" around it without comprimising your potential happiness in a combined new home?  

The reason I ask is that I know of a similar situation in that she refuses to have anything to do with his family (again, no obvious cause, they're really dull people but that's not a crime) and because of logistics they're able to make it work.  They live some distance away and the tricky issue of the telephone has been managed by the use of caller display. They have an understanding that if his lot ring, she refuses to answer.  On the odd occasion that they do end up communicating by accident, he expects her to put up with it out of respect for their union.  Annual and family events are "managed" around keeping the parties away from each other.

The oddest thing is that the situation seems to have completely passed his lot by.  They're oblivous to it and think that she's just really busy.

If you can manage the emotional and logistical complexities you can still pull it off and be happy, even if it isn't ideal.

Good luck.

flipper

NB  You mentioned that you didn't get around to ringing your parents as soon as they would have liked - how long was that? A day?  A month?


----------



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Dear Jq - crickey what a lot of complex and painful issues you have had to deal with over your life so far. I am still in shock at those comments from your father, they were hard to read and how you managed to find in your heart the will to reconcile with him is an amazing demonstration of just how amazingly caring and selfless a person you are  . To be able to talk about your family the way you do i.e. still trying to seek the good parts, is truly inspirational, what an amazing daughter they have, and I hope one day they might be the ones that come to you to be able to tell you so, rather than you having to do all the chasing and trying.

Do you feel the fact your Dh struggles so much with your family could be he just doesn't like seeing you get hurt From what you shared you have had a lot of hurtful things put upon you and spoken over you, that for a husband or partner who loves you to bits would find watching and being around  such people ( whether they are your family or not) very hard. So do you think your DH's reluctance to be around your family members could actually be a case  of him trying in his own 'man style' way, of how much he how much he might love you, and his desire to protect you from further years of upset Astrid said such wise things especially in reminding us we only have this one life and just as your parents have gone on to do what they want in life, so to do you deserve to find whatever person and path makes you happiest, and I wish that for you so much. 

Families are just the most complex thing aren't they, sadly none of us can claim to not have at least one relative in our lives that doesn't come without issues and complexities, and you do seem to have had more than your fair share of very tough and hurtful family experiences. I know a couple of friends who have very complex set ups with regards to one of the couple refusing to mix with their loved ones family, but despite this the couple have somehow managed to maintain their own loving relationship with one another, it is far from ideal for them, but they have come ot view (like Astrid mentioned) their DH ir DP as their most important family member for making them happy because they are the ones who are there in their life and in their house every single day, and have come into their life through loving choice not through the ties of a family bond if that makes sense? 


I so hope 2007 will be a major turning point for you, that you'll have clarity, courage and intuition to know what is most important to you, and who you want and need surrounding you to fulfill that. You really deserve some happiness.

Lots of love
Hippy
xxxxxxxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh jq

Such a heartfelt post there from you (as always) and I am so saddened to hear about your bullying father and his horrific attitude. He sounds so bitter and twisted, I cannot believe that he has put you through what he has. More power to you for becoming the compassionate and empathic person you are.

Regarding your mum and step dad - they need to realise that you have a life all of your own too - its not like they are alone in the world, they have each other and it is quite selfish of them to expect you to 'know' when something is wrong with them - then have them take the hump with you! With the utmost respect, how dare they?! Sorry!  

Regarding my DH's family, I don't get on with them AT ALL and never really have. I used to get infuriated at the way they treated him, but nowadays I'm more laid back about it - partly because he has realised for himself what they are like, and partly because he is a big boy and if he wants to keep getting treated like sh*t then its up to him. I prefer being passive because its a lot less stressful for me! I let him deal with them, although its rare he bothers with them to be honest nowadays. I have accepted that although I don't like his mum, he has a right to see her, even if it winds me up sometimes because of the way she treats his other siblings more favourably than him. The way I look at it is I'm with my DH because I love him, not because I have ties to his family! He doesn't bother with his extended family or his brothers at all any more as I have already said.

Live your life for you hon, because when it comes to the crunch everyone elses' lives revolve around themselves. What about seeing your folks on your own - this way you have more quality time with them, yet they will know you have to get back home for your DH so that may take a little pressure off you. 

Whatever happens, I hope you can have that happiness you so rightly deserve in your life hon. You are such an amazing lady, I am so sorry you have had to deal with the hellishness from your next of kin in your life.

Sending you a massive squeezy (((hug)))
Loads of love
Emcee xxx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thank you all so much for such thoughtful replies. I want to read them all again before replying. Please forgive me if it takes a while, there is so much to think about. You have all really been such a support as your reactions have not been of the knee-jerk "He is such a b**s**d" type I have had from the few (2) friends whose lives have been easier than ours. Just goes to show that us IF survivors have so much wisdom to offer. Love to you all

Jq


----------

