# Spitting



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi there, I'd appreciate any advice if you've come across this please. 

DD is 3 and has been home almost 7 months. She used to spit on the furniture now and then but usually when anxious, sometimes in a playful manner too. 
When SW came she did it on the settee next to where SW was sitting because SW was there I think she was anxious. Anyway we used to ignore it and just wipe it up. SW said we should ask her to wipe it up and refusal means 'time-in'. 
I really regret starting this as now it's out of hand. Of course she never agrees to wipe it up and then just spits again and again and looks at me / DH to ensure we are suitably ****** off. Time in makes it worse so we've stopped that. Now it's taken this new turn and I have to admit I do rise to it. I can't stand it actually, I hated spitting as it was and it makes me want to gag. She spits on her little brother, on the dog, on the floor, on the furniture. And there really is a lot of it. It's revolting. When playing she spits in cups and offers them as tea!! But that's just her playing. When she is upset / angry it different and seems to be done to get at us. 

SW insists we should stay firm, me n DH think we should ignore it and just wipe it up afterwards. 

Now she does it at nursery and some of the staff really don't like it but don't punish her - upon our suggestion. 
She also did it at soft play cafe last week and I was so embarrassed I took them home. I don't want to make it a punishment but also I think it's probably crossing a line to ignore it and let her carry on at a cafe. 

I don't want to start being limited as to where we can go. It's raining today and I'm dreading soft play cafe but at home all day is unbearable. 

Thanks
GG xxx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Goofy girl, you're right it is done to get a reaction, so if you don't react the hope is that the behaviour will stop! My dd does this too and it's horrible, she's been known to do it in my face which really pushes my buttons!
I was also advised by a sw to get her to wipe it up but there's no way I can make her do that and as you say trying to make her just escalates things...
I would go for ignore and distract  
If you can see she's about to do it in a cup could you offer her a little jug of water to use instead?
When it's on the furniture I would just wipe it up without comment, then try to distract her with something else. You say it's when she's anxious so use something that helps her feel secure, if she's a cuddly girl maybe she needs to be close to you, especially when sw visits (that's a big behaviour flashpoint here!)

Tell the nursery staff how you want it dealt with, they should follow what you do at home.

With my daughter it's part of a whole list of unsocial behaviours that are designed to shock and repulse adults, she has a deep seated belief that adults will reject her and this seems to be her way of pushing that rejection to happen, so that she controls it I guess...

Dd has been home 2 years and my skin is much thicker than it was then! Don't be embarrassed into leaving somewhere, no one knows or understands your daughters behaviour so don't feel judged. Praise the good behaviour and be sure to congratulate her if she doesn't spit!

Wishing you lots of luck  
CS xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

My 3yr old is doing the same thing. Disgusting! Very hard to ignore.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Another one here.  Lo started this recently and so far I'm ignoring it which I think is working. He spat at a boy in the park a while ago which was difficult but I just said we don't spit and left it at that.


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

My 3 year old son does this too! He will also just sit there slowly spitting and dribbling down his chin or holding it all on his lips. He's been doing it since he came home a year ago and I haven't found a solution yet    He does also still drool (unintentionally) when he's distracted or concentrating, so I wonder sometimes if he just hasn't learnt to swallow properly yet?


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I really sympathise with this one.  My son spits at me frequently, and at my daughter, and it's one thing that really bothers me.  It just makes me so angry, even more so than his biting and kicking and any number of other things.  Just spitting is bad enough but when I ask him to do something and he says no and spits in my face and laughs it really tests my self control.  No solutions I'm afraid, but yeah, I get why that winds you up.  Ignoring may work, but it hasn't with mine!


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks everyone it's reassuring to know I'm not alone. 
Yes she does it whenever anyone says no to her, even if I don't say no, eg when she asks for a biscuit at lunch time and I say yes you can have it after lunch, we are having lunch. She still gets narky and spits!!!
Do you think it's limited to traumatised children? Our nursery say they haven't come across it before with other children.

Hopefully is another (of many) phases and will stop. 

DS dribbles and drools on furniture but not actual spitting. Hope he doesn't start too. 

CS yes good advice, will go back to just wiping it up and ignoring. It might not stop it as you say Wyxie, but being firm seems to definitely make it worse for DD. 

Will continue going to soft play, toddler groups etc, hoping my skin will thicken too. 

GG xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

My sisters birth son is notorious for this...he spits food out usually when you aren't watching but will just sit an spit for no reason at all or to get attention if he isn't getting any! 

Xx


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## cinnamon75 (Jan 13, 2014)

I work as a therapist in a children's care home and school and I have no idea if this will help your situation, but sometimes it's worth using the following...

1. Stop the behaviour or tell them you don't like the behaviour and want them to stop.
2. Explain what they did back to them, eg "you spat at me and that's not acceptable behaviour". 
3. Tell them why spitting is not acceptable, eg "when you spit at me it makes me feel sad" 
4. Tell them what you'd like them to do instead of spitting.

We use this technique with sexualised behaviour as it is really important to not let them believe sexualised behaviour is ok, but it is vital they don't see a response of shock or disgust as it can fuel the behaviour. I think it might be the same as spitting... it's not ok and they need to know this. 

It might sound crazy, but sometimes just repeating this technique or repeatedly telling them you don't like this behaviour, but you love them no matter what, can be helpful. It's just another technique to the ignore and distract approach. I agree though, I don't like the idea of making them clear it up themselves. 

I hope this might help a little   It's worth a shot x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks for the tips cinnamon. Will definitely give it a go. Wasnt sure what I'll suggest she does instead but a harmonica has been suggested as a tried and tested alternative so that might work. 

LP ewww spitting food out is gross. DD also does this but only into her plate so we just accept it. Every time we clear plates away there's always something on her plate that has been chewed and spat out. At least I'm never tempted to eat her left overs!


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Will give it a try Cinnamon. Finding it hard to treat LO's behaviour in the way of a 2yr old when he's 3.5 but it really seems to be making a difference and by being calmer and not getting really wound up, I feel better in myself. Not easy though when you're fuming!!


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Goofy the eating left overs blurgh!!!!

I do think it's useful to know what birth children are experiencing too because just when I start thinking my sons having issues I'll see my sister an hers does that same things as mine might be doing x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks LP yes is interesting to know that birth children do some things we might think are trauma related. 
My sisters kids are also adopted! So no clues from there


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