# Sister's pregnancy



## Pognut (Apr 8, 2012)

I don't *want* to feel like this, but I'm struggling a bit with my sister's pregnancy.

It's complicated - she was our egg donor on my last cycle, as I have POF. She actually delayed having her 2nd child for almost 2 years so she could be our donor. She has been totally amazing. She has a son who is completely fabulous and who I love to bits, and I'm pretty sure that once they're born I will just feel the same uncomplicated love for this one that I do for my nephew (who was born before I found out I was comprehensively infertile).

What I'm finding difficult at the moment is that she got pregnant the month after she donated eggs to us, so this baby is a month younger than ours would have been. I was trying really hard not to do the maths about 12 and 20 week scans, due dates, etc, and just to move on and keep looking forward, but of course now she is going through all of these things, and the maths is so simple, it's hard to forget. Since we had that cycle I have found  out that I have really bad immune issues (my TNF-a is 56 and one round of humira brought it down by .5, so I'm scared that that means humira isn't going to work for me). That's delayed us cycling again - I never thought that we wouldn't have had at least one more go before her baby was due. It all feels pretty hopeless at the moment and I'm trying not to feel awful when she mentions getting Braxton Hicks etc, but it's so hard. 

We have 5 5AB/5BB/5BA frozen blasts from the last cycle, so I know it's not game over for us yet. But it feels so flipping bleak at the moment, especially with my immunes not responding to the most powerful drug they have. I am dreading having to go and meet my new nephew, but I also don't want to make a fuss or spoil anything for my sister at a time which should be so wonderful for everyone, and *is* - I want to be a big part of this baby's life, and am sure I'll love them just as much as I do my older nephew - sorry, this isn't very coherent. I know it's not about me, but I just don't know how to navigate this.


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## beachbaby (Jan 31, 2008)

Firstly, big hugs. How difficult for you, you are such a strong person. I have no words of advice just wanted to support you.
I remember when we were ttc, we had 1 fail and 2 chemicals under our belt and had just had the results of extra tests back and were waiting to start another FET One of my friends called in to see me at work with a very pregnant belly (her 3rd)my DH just couldn't cope and walked off, he was so upset that we had been trying for our first since she had her 2nd and he was 5.  It was a very bad time and luckily our next FET worked and we got twins, we both had boys and they are 5 months apart in age and good friends. Also my hubby dreaded his brother's getting pregnant before us and said that would be the nail in the coffin, they did but luckily we were pregnant too when they announced it, just 8 weeks behind, gutting they got the first born but we didn't care.
Keep the faith and good luck xx


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## Bahhumbug (Nov 30, 2014)

You sound lovely    
I wouldn't be surprised if your sis is feeling nervous and a little weird about you meeting the new baby as well. 
I remember spending Christmas with my new niece when she was 20 days old and sobbing in the bathroom on Christmas Eve when I got my period. Everyone in the family knew we were in the thick of ttc and it was handled really sensitively; I'll never forget that too despite how bleak it all was.
Of course you are going to do the maths, it's a natural reaction and part of your grief.  But I honestly do think you are going to be the most wonderful auntie in the world, even though you want to be a mummy and an auntie too. Your sister will be sensitive enough, I feel sure, whether you want to hold the baby etc or not, and any tears you cry will be happy as well as sad and wistful.
I sincerely wish you all the best for you coming cycles.
You sound like a lovely sister back! X


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## Pognut (Apr 8, 2012)

Thanks, both of you - it  really helps just to know there are other people who feel the same. This can be pretty isolating, can't it, and everyone here understands that horrible feeling that you'll never be a mum and that life is slipping past you. It was really lovely to hear about your son being friends with the bump who had been so upsetting back then, beachbaby - I hope that's the way it works out for us too! 

It was useful to be reminded that my sister is going to be feeling weird about this too, Bahhumbug, thanks - she has been pretty sensitive all the way through. She sent me her 12 week scan photo with no warning - I pretended to be ok but mentioned to my parents that I had found it hard and they (tactfully - I *hope*) said to her better not to send me more stuff like that till I was pregnant (little thinking we wouldn't be able to try again for so long). I kind of wish they'd asked first, but it was meant kindly, and tbh I am really grateful not to have had the later scan photos etc as it brought my own grief back to the surface *so* strongly when I saw the 12 week one. I was thinking that when the baby's born, we'll go up and maybe stay somewhere else (they are out of rooms now with another one!) and do a quick cheerful visit.

Thanks both for being so lovely - really appreciate it. Looks like you're due soon, Bahhumbug, exciting!

xx


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## Teeinparis (Sep 15, 2013)

This may not help but I literally broke down crying and was devastated when I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant naturally for the second time during our pregnancy.  I was 4 months she was three - and just didn't understand why after 10 years of trying and 5 IVF plus 1 FET why I needed to share the spot light or the experience.  She tried to communicate with her knowledge of pregnancy and honestly just ignored her and wanted to figure things out for myself.....

Not sure if that helps but honestly the hormones make you crazy!


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

Thinking of you Pognut.

I just wanted to add to your scan picture point. I've got friends who have done this to me. No warning just a scan picture across ******** so it's in my photo gallery. Why do pregnant women do this to friends and family who have navigating infertility every single day? It always upsets me and all they need to say is "we've just had a successful scan and all progressing well" etc etc 

X xx


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## Roxbury1 (Nov 22, 2013)

My SIL announced her wedding night pregnancy the day after we were refused an IVF referral due to a zero SA. I have never been so devastated in my life and was so very angry. She insisted on sharing her pregnancy with me since I couldn't have my own which I *think* she meant sensitively but actually I found unbearably painful. Unfortunately anyone who hasn't struggled can't understand or truly empathise. All I'd say is I felt different once the baby arrived. It's such a hard thing, I really feel for you and hope your frosties bring you your baby down the line. Xxx


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