# Who do you talk to?



## Guest (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi Everyone,

Apologises in advance as this will be a me post....

DH and I have been out of treatment for 18 months now and we have been planning to have a final go at ARGC in March, but I have had mixed feelings recently about putting myself through it all again (like all of us I would do anything if it would work) but to face another failure, well not sure it is something I can cope with or our relationship with survive. I have been in a 'trying to move on' place for a while now, anyway.....

Last night DH and I sat down and talked about money and there is no way we are going to have the funds by March, also mom and dad did offer to help us out with half but dad has hit a financial low and I know they don't have the money either. I now feel like we have failed again as we haven't stuck to our timescale and age is running away with us, we are just stuck between trying to move on and enjoy life ie horse, holidays etc and needing to save and try again.....major guilt! I cried myself to sleep last night and just feel like for the first time I am really grieving for the fact I will never be a mommy. I am sorry to turn to you guys with my woes.....I don't feel like there is many places here anymore I 'fit in' and I don't really have any close friends I can talk to about this, and as for my mom......well thats a whole other story. 

Just wondered if there is anyone you guys have to turn to when it all seems too much, sometimes I wonder if I just hold it all in too much and don't say to my family & friends when I should 'actually I am having a really S**t time with it all!'. I lost one close friend who I always confided in because she had a family and couldn't cope with me and my pain, I think it became an unnecasary burden tbh and whenever (and its been a while) I talk to my mom she just talks over me about their problems and has never comforted me or helped me deal with it all. We did used to be very close, but I can't even bear to spend time with her now because I find the fact she never takes and interest in how I am coping and dealing with stuff impossible to deal with.

Sorry, had better weeks


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Jodie,
I am so sorry that you are feeling distressed and alone at this time. I really associate with your feeling of not having a good outlet for all these emotions and decisions for the future. 
First of all you can talk to us. No-one will want to tell you the answer as that is so personal but we can support you and share our own expereinces if that can help.
For me I finally decided to stop after my 5th failed IVF at the end of last year. In the end the mental toll on me and us as a couple, my advancing age and the mounting financial costs helped make that decision clearer for me. I had just had enough and had to stop the endless 'one last time'.

What did I do.?First I had to deal with the overwhelming sadness. I did talk to people more than I had before and in a way it was a numbers game. Some just didn't get it as I think they thought after all these years I should have got used to it.....they didn't get that now the jorney was over whereas before there was always hope. With 2 however I hit gold and they did help and listen and support. These friends were not my best friends but one had had miscarriages and remembered the pain and the other had left a longterm relationship and was now too old for the 'dream future' she had always imagined would come. 
Then I recognised I needed to find others who truely shared my experience. I struggled so hard with this but I went to Meredith's workshop and it was hard but wonderful. Finally I could sit face to face with others who got just how bad this was. Maggie May was at the same workshop and went on to run her own workshop in May which I also attended. In the first workshop the focus was on being acknowledging and sharing stories. It was so valuable to have others validate your experience and emotions. By the time of the second I was more able to focus on the moving forward and fixing other things that had become damaged or broken: relationships, job, future plans, having fun again. I woudl really encourage you to think about attending MMs next workshoop. It was the most nurturing thing I did for myself all year.
Next a consequence of the workshop I recognised I needed some ongoing support to work through my complex emotions. I sought out a fantastic counsellor. Again this was not natural to me, not something I ever imagined doing but just the best thing ever. She is fantastic and is based near Broadway. Happy to share here details as I think you are up that way? 
Am I 'over it' ..no I won't ever be. Its part of who I am but my DH and I have decided IF will not define us as a couple as we are so much more than that. I still have bad days, its still hard when someone tells me they are pregnant or moans about their kids! BUT I am living my life again, enjoying what positives there are in the situation, living for the day, supporting and getting support from my workshop friends and daring to paint a new picture of my future.
Jodie you are in enormous pain and I so 'get it'. You know we are all here for you and we are all at different stages but the light at the end of the tunnel is bright howver long that tunnel may seem just now.
Take care, big hugs up the M5 to you.
Love MeganXXXX


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## Guest (Oct 11, 2007)

Thanks Megan, your response mean a lot! I am attending MM's workshop in Devon and DH is wanting to come too....I think we are both hoping it may help us find some answers and out our feelings out there. Somthing we are unable to do on our own. As for the lady near Broadway, yes I am very near to there (Iuded to be sales manager of the Lygon Arms!) so think maybe that maybe a good idea. Speak soon & thank you! xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Jodie,
I know what it is like to be unable to talk to those around you - it is such a tough and lonely place. You can talk to us here - you can rant, debate, discuss, whatever you need to sort things out in your mind. I can only offer my own experiences and I cannot tell you whether to have another go or not - only you can know when you have had 'enough'.
Something to consider: you could try now while you still are able - there will be a time when you are not able to try at all. BUT I know full well the cost (both financially and emotionally) of tx. Your situation is different from mine. I have the unenviable situation where it 'could' happen naturally. So I guess my hopes can fade gradually as the years go by. But for someone who has to have tx to get preg it's another story. It's a 'do we try - or not?' I think that any decision like this takes time - so allow yourself a little time to decide. There are very good reasons for not having any more tx - you have been through a hell of a lot already and it will mean more pain. When I had my FET last November I was in a flat panic from the word go - it was a nightmare from start to finish with all the drugs I had to take etc. I remember thinking that I asked for it all by having the tx. I know it would have been different if all had been well - but I honestly think I would have been panicking the whole 9 months. 
Whatever you decide we are here for you. Life is just so horrid and unfair - but life can be good again.... it will be good again.
Bernie xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Just wanted to give you a big hug   I am reaching that point where all those emotions are hitting me cos I am on my last cycle ..and realistically I cannot afford to pay for any more treatment.. I don't know about you but part of me is frustrated that money even comes into play.. my father has been having an affair with a nasty young woman who is on drugs and just uses my Dad and he has given her thousands.. I would never ask for money from him..but it makes me very sad to think that if he had been as generous to us then I would have more chances to give him a grandchild and have my dream. 

The workshop sounds a great idea..because there isn't a lot of help ..it seems you are abandoned once treatment is over. 
Cat x


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## MrsPoogs (Nov 7, 2006)

Hi Jodie

I couldn't read and not reply to you.  xxxx  Sending you a big hug.  I am so sorry for the hard time you are going through right now.  It seems going through tx is hard enough and then dealing with all the emotions before and after is very hard, finding friends you can confide in and who will give you support you need as again hard and then having to make tough decisions about what to do regarding further treatment and the costs too.  I also understand the strain of tx on a relationship, we too, have found this so hard and I feel this year alone I have spent in pain  

I, too, am on my last cycle now.  I have just had a cycle which finished after EC due to my eggs being damaged and not fertilising so we won't know if this will happen again until we try.  I am restling with either going back to ARGC or the ACU at UCH.  I know ARGC is successful but it is also very expensive and I don't have unlimited funds so I am worried about starting a cycle and then having to pay for the advanced testing they offer and worrying about how I am going to pay for it.  I know you can't put a price on tx and a child but where do you draw the line? - its so hard and so painful too.  I would give anything to have a family and my age is going against me and FSH level rising I feel I need to start next year afresh and hope to have had my cycle before then.

Do you have good friends that you haven't confided in that you can trust and talk to about what you are going through?  I have found some of my friends who don't have children have been extremely supportive yet they haven't been through what I am going through, I have also found my friends with children to be honest have given me a wide birth - (sorry for the phrase!) - it is weird, and I do find sometimes people really surprise you and some people you may think won't be able to support you can offer you more.  I hope that makes sense.

I briefly joined the "Moving On" thread before my first cycle as I wondered if I ever was going to be able to have the cycle and I did find everyone on there really supportive and understanding and I do wonder if I will be back there soon, ......  I am also very interested in Maggie's workshop and wonder if this happens several times a year, as I may well need to attend in the future too.

It is so hard having to deal with these emotions and feelings and the grieving that we all go through at some stage or another, so I feel the workshop sounds like a very positive step in moving on and trying to deal with our feelings and learning to cope in order to be able to move.

Lots of love to you 

Poogie xxx


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## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Jodie

l am so sorry to read what you are going though to be honest i know 100% we had our last go in June and managed to get 3 embies and they were the best we ever had, l had two transfered in July and unfortunately we lost our little angels then we had the one embie frozen, that played on my mind and honestly thought it would not survive but it did and i had that transfered in november after finding it very hard again we got pg but lost on christmas day which broke my heart, also then it brought it all home that that was my last go and will never be a mommy, i found it very hard as like yourself l had two sets of best friends and they seemed to vanish, as you said they dont think they could handle it,they both have children, lt really upset me as i thought they would stand by us as we had them but you never know until something happens, l had no family at all even thou i have 2 brothers and 2 sisters nothing, my mother said that as i carnt give her grandchilden then she has the others and i have not heard anything from her since 27th dec 2006 when i told her i lost my other little angel, so there is me and my dh who i love with all my heart, its now 10 mths on and i still have bad days and dreading next month but i know i will get though this as i have the support of all the lovely ladies on this board, they have been my rock and made me sit back and look at what i do have( my dh ) and we are now moving on, life is not so bleak i can now see the end of the tunnel, so life does move on but to be honest slowly and i have been like every lady on this thread though so many emotions l never new existed and i have smiled as well as grieved, but as long as i can see that light at the end of the tunnel then life is looking good,also my dh and me talk all the time about what hurts and what people say that hurt and i find that a big healing, hope i have made some sense to you,hope i have at least helped a little, l always say that life gives you the hard times for you to deal with but it also sends some nice things as well,

oh bye the way we are hoping to move to broadway very soon and we stay at the lygon arms while we look for property, you never know we could bump into each other,

take care jodie if you need to talk we are all hear to listen


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

Jodie you brought tears to my eyes hun.  i just wish there was something i could do to help.  It is hard with friends as most have not been through what we have and do not understand what it is like. When i have been doing tx a lot of my friends don't talk to me about things as they don't want to burden me which i hate that they think that.  And now that children is certainly not an option for us a lot of our friends have been avoiding us.  so i definitely know were you are coming from.  James and I are both very similar and don't really talk about it between ourselves either.  Do you talk to your DH about how you are feeling??  Have you thought about counselling  I think i might try that as i don't think i am accepting an know that i am still in denial.  We are here for you, an you can rant away on here.

Although most storeys on here are sad i still get comfort that there are other people out there that are hurting like i am.  ( i know that does not sound right as we don't want other people to feel bad but you know what i mean).  

Please take care

Susan x


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## diane uk (Nov 12, 2003)

jodie

(((HUGS))) to you, if you want to email or chat im always here with a listening ear

I've had to remove your email address from this message, sorry. Anyone on the WWW can access this board - and therefore your email... please send your email via IM instead
Thank you


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