# How do your adopted children cope with weekends away?



## Tibevora (Mar 22, 2005)

Hi all

First post   .........we are a third of the way through home study and get so fed up with all the horror stories...if it was as bad as they make out, there would be no adopted children in the world  

I know that once they eventually come home they do need stability but over time how do your children react to weekends away, how long did it take till they settled, did their behaviour regress when they arrived with you, how long till you felt they settled and began to trust you, how delayed in their development were they? 

Think thats enough for now...thank you! 
Tx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Think of it this way, they have to prepare you for the worst case senarios, give you all the possibilities of how a child having been in the care system might react.  This doesn't mean you will end up dealing with all or any of the issues but you have to be aware of them and how to deal with them......

Back to your questions....

Our DS came home at 27months.  We were expecting attachment problems and behavioural problems.  Reality = settled and attached very quickly, he was in desparate need of a Mummy and was clingy and possessive of me for a long time so it was hard going getting any time to myself BUT better than we were expecting.  His speech was delayed by 6 months but within weeks of interaction he started to catch up and by the time he was 3 his speech was as good as a 4yr old, most people on hearing him think he is 6 because he has such a good vocab and understanding.  We had no other delays.  We didn't have a honeymoon period with behaviour, he was pretty quick at showing us his tantrums (within days) but we had expected tantrums as he had no real routine or boundaries until he came to us and we had to put them in from the start.  

We went on holiday 13 weeks after he moved in, it was already booked before we knew about him and my parents were coming with us.  We carried on with the holiday, took familiar things for him like his duvet cover, toys, teddies etc so he would have his things around him but I don't really think it made much difference to him.  He slept through the same as he did at home and even now in over 2 yrs we have only had a handful of disturbed nights due to illness.  I stayed at my parents with him at about 6 months of him being home and since then he has invited himself for sleepovers on a regular occurrance.

So for us things have gone really smoothly, we could never have hoped for things to have worked out so well.  I know people who 7 years in still don't let their children stay at grandparents overnight but that is them rather than the children, friends of ours made a mistake early on letting Granny come to the house and take littlie out (5 weeks into placement) and didn't go to her when they heard her screaming and crying for Mummy and over a year later they still can't leave littlie with granny.  Whether the difference is down to the child or down to the way you deal with things and encourage and make the things exciting and OK to do I don't know, maybe a bit of each but for us reading DSs report we should never have been able to do the things we did as early as we did.

Also a lot will depend on how the FCs have done things.  They may have taken the child away a lot or the child may have gone into respite instead of holidaying with FC (as our DS did).  Each child is going to be different in the way they react and what they can tolerate  and you need to be open minded to the fact that the family holiday you dream of may not be the happy time you think it will, holidays can trigger bad memories for some children.  Loads of reassurance and attachment building from the start will go along way to helping your child settle and build trust.

Another thing to consider is the age of the child and what they have been through.  An older child would probably take longer to settle and feel secure.

Adoption can seem very negative, hard work with no rewards but it can also give you a relatively 'normal' family life.  The only abnormal bit of our lives is having to do letterbox and consider things like photos in papers and talking about adoption to our DS, other than that we live the same as our friends and family do with their children.  

Good luck
OT x


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2010)

I'd echo what OT says - it depends so much on the child(ren).  

We were respite foster carers for our three for 18 months before they came to stay with us permanently and time way from home was difficult to begin with - probably exacerbated by the fact that bedtimes had always been very tricky, due to past experiences and their past experiences of holiday had been very negative.  

We left them with my parents overnight after about three months and got a very strong backlash - we'd all stayed there together for a few times previously and they had familiar stuff but still it was too much for them.  

The next time away from home was a two week holiday in a cottage, but again it was too much and they couldn't cope with a different environment and their behaviour was awful - we gave up after three days and came home and at that point would have been happy for the placement to have disrupted.  It was amazing to see how they visisbly relaxed as they walked through the door.  

After that we took things slowly - about 9 months later (almost a year into placement) we did a one night break and they coped OK. Shortly after we did a couple of three night breaks and then in the summer we did a week.  Things have got easier - we still take lots of familiar stuff and stick rigidly to home routines, but they cope far better.  This year we went on holiday for a full two weeks and they also now go and stay at my mum's from time to time quite happily - sometimes all three and sometimes just one or two - and they also settle there without too much hassle. 

I think you should take it slowly and see how things go - it will depend so much on your nmew family as to how things work for you.  

Bop


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## Tibevora (Mar 22, 2005)

Thank you, two very different perspectives so really useful 

We now half way through home study, our SW is insisting on 10 visits at least...this seems really long compared with others on the forum. We are finding it tough going as we hate talking about ourselves and being told what to do! The latest thing is we now need to get an employers reference which is apparently part of the new legislation. 

Have booked a holiday in November though so looking forward to that.

Thanks again
Tib
x


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, we took ds2 away on holiday after 6 months placement.  He didn't react well for the first couple of nights.  He began headbutting the front door just after we arrived and then cried and screamed for an hour in his travel cot but after that he was fine.  He was nearly 2 years old.  Now he is absolutely fine and loves his holidays in a caravan.  We have just come back from a week's holiday to Britanny in France and he loved it there.    

After placement, it took about 8 months before he became 100% truly attached to us and slept deeply.  Before the 8 months he was a light sleeper and if he woke it took a long time to settle him again and I had to stay in the room, giving him a bottle and holding his hand until he drifted off again - I used to think 2 hours to settle him was a good time as at first he was awake all night, crying


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

Hi cant answer in regard to the lo's going on hols as haven't been matched yet but I can sympathise in regard to 10 visits 

In all I think we had about 13 and it did seem to go on for ever and I would be lying if I denied that I really struggled as a naturally impatient person  

One thing that I did try to do however was concentrate on how far we had come and how much we had achieved and so how much closer we were to having our family 

Each step is huge, 1st meeting, prep, being assigned a SW, HS and so WOW look how far you have come

As for the employers reference all mine said was that I did work there and for how long so I wouldn't worry about that 

Good luck


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