# Really sorry.... but grieving so much



## Georgiepie (Aug 31, 2005)

Hi Ladies,

WARNING: This is a very gloomy post - but I need to let off some steam!

I am 14 days post EC on my 7th IVF cycle, and despite a few promising symptoms over the weekend, I got a BFN this morning and my symptoms seem to have diminished overnight.  Whilst I initially felt that this cycle hadn't worked when I had 24 hours of mild cramping on day 8 post EC, suddenly over the weekend my (.)(.) became heavy and swollen, montgomery glands started to appear and this suddenly gave me hope that a miracle had happened.  Even last night, I had started to plan my "BFP" phone call with the clinic in my head....

yesterday I became certain that I had conceived, and so today, after the BFN, I am feeling very distressed and totally without hope of having a baby, especially having just turned 41 on Saturday.  

I took the two weeks off work (to give it our best shot), and have to go back to work tomorrow.  Right now, I do not know how I will face going back to work.  My colleagues think I was on holiday, so are bound to ask how my holiday was. I am covered in bruises on my tummy and backside from the Gestone and Fragmin injections; my stomach is bloated from all the meds; I have put on a few pounds generally; my roots need doing (I decided not to risk the toxins during this entire treatment cycle).  All in all, I feel so very low.  DH is fabulous, and only the thought that I have him is keeping me above water today.

Our history, to cut a very long story short, is that DH does not produce sperm, so any chance we have of conceiving is with donor sperm and assisted conception.  Here's what we've been through so far:

IUI #1-5 - BFN (mixture of natural and medicated cycles)
IUI #6 - BFP - mc 8 wks
IVF #1-2 - BFN
Blood clotting issue found
IVF #3 - BFP - biochem
IVF #4 - BFN.  FSH now 10.
IVF #5 - Weak BFP - biochem (17 eggs / 8 embies - some fragmentation) Aspirin, Gestone/Fragmin
IVF #6 - BFN (9 eggs / 8 embies / 3 transferred 6,7,9 cell - some fragmentation) 15mg Steroids, Aspirin, Gestone & Fragmin
IVF #7 - BFN (14 eggs / 8 embies / 3 transfered 6,8,10 cell - some fragmentation).  40mg Steroids, Aspirin, Gestone & Fragmin

With all of the above combined with my age, I am beginning to feel embarrassed trying any more, yet I feel totally gutted at the prospect of giving up.  Does that make sense to anyone else? I also feel under enormous pressure, which cannot help tx and I feel anxious about the future.

DH is always enormously supportive; says we'll seek out the best clinic in the world if this one doesn't work.... bless him.

I am sorry for this very negative post, but DH is at work, and as we stopped telling anyone about tx after IVF #3 - I really don't feel I have anyone to talk to. 

Anyone else understand how I'm feeling?  How did you heal?

Once again, so sorry for this negative post.

Love and good luck
Georgie. xx


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## 11th hour (Feb 4, 2006)

Georgie, i dont know what to say to you.... but you have got balls girl!

I am on my first cycle an dits not going brill interms of follicles an dwhen i see that someone like you has s had the strength and guts to keep running at it. I bow down in respect. Your history gives me inspiration to keep going. Bonnie123 did 10 cycles. ok DE and DS but she is 14 weeks preg with twins. 

sod what other people think. i doubt they are judging you  at all. Frankly i think it is better to go for the truth, but thats up to you. you've got enuf going on without having to feel ashamed. IN ANY WAY!!!

Ive got a least 5 friends in the 40's who would love a kid and cant dicuss IVF stuff yet. They havent got it in them to go dowm this path. We have done.... and lets feel proud of that, not slightly ashamed for chasing our dreams. giving up is for quitters as the smoking joke goes.

yes you are grieving...you are processing... thats the way it is.. what else are you supposed to do? only a robot wouldnt feel it.

now when ur ready, make that hair appointment and hold your head high.

a big hug


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

Hey Georgiepie, so sorry that you're feeling this way hun. DONT be ashamed at all, we're all here with the same goal in mind and know what you're going through. Get the doctors to sign you off work for a few more days and pamper yourself, you need time to let the grief out and then decide on what you want to do next. 

We are all here for you if you want to rant, rave or just talk   so dont worry about posting on here and asking for advice or help ok. 

Love Jo x


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

p.s.. i know im not in the over 40s but read your post and felt like i had to reply


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## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Georgie

I'm so sorry my love  I wish I could give you a bundle of advice but I can only send you my love.  Your bit about 'having DH being the only thing keeping your head above water' was like an echo of my own thoughts.

Please take your time to grieve but be good to yourself too.  I hope you will be able to find a way forward very soon.

Much love to you
Allison xx


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## Georgiepie (Aug 31, 2005)

*11th Hour/Jo/Allison * - I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind replies. Your messages have of course started the sobbing off, but I suppose that's no bad thing.

*11th Hour * - Thanks for your words of "respect". I wish I felt the same way about my situation. I am a determined soul when I put my mind to it, but lately I very easily feel like more of a failure with every failed attempt. I suppose I'd like to take a break, get my self into tip-top condition, enjoy life a little etc, but I always feel like I'm against the clock so launch back in ASAP each time. Is there a pill to turn off the desire for a baby??

I just wish I hadn't started to feel like maybe it had worked this time. I feel such a fool! If only I had mentally given up on this cycle last week when I had the cramping and instinct told me it was failing, I would probably be feeling somewhat better by now and able to face work.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I have mild polycystic ovaries too (I don't have the syndrome though), so started Metformin when i started stimming. In theory, I was supposed to produce less eggs, but of better quality, but I actually produced slightly more so wondering if I didn't respond to it brilliantly.

I allowed the "donor egg" thought to linger for just a few seconds last week (normally a painful thought). I have reservations about using donor eggs as well as donor sperm because the child may not find this an easy situation to deal with - and ultimately, we all want happy children don't we! I am trying to muster up the strength to phone the embryologist to find out what the quality was like with the 3 embryos we transferred (we chose not to see them on screen this time, so I have no idea of quality apart from cell division). I'm feeling quite emotionally battered already today, so not sure I am ready to hear anything really bleak.... but on the other hand, it will at least get it all out the way now....

I think if we have the energy and willpower to have another go, we may as well go to another clinic that specialises in cases such as mine (suggestions welcome!). I'm sure I'm not alone in finding this a time consuming, expensive and generally disruptive process.

I don't easily throw the towel in.... but this is starting to get to me!!!! (Though I am inspired by Sharron Davis - the swimmer - who was successful on her 8th IVF cycle at 43 years old, although she had had 2 children many years earlier.)

*Again, thank you for being there for me - the "4 replies" status was like a ray of sunshine when I signed back on.*

Love and good luck to you all.
Georgie. xx

PS - *11th Hour* - I saw your post regarding your scan; hoping you've got a top notch egg on Wednesday!


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Georgie, 

I just want to give you a  .
We all know that words don't really help, I don't think the words actually exist that could ease what you are feeling. However, what does help a little bit is the knowledge that there are many of us here that DO know how you feel. 
People in 'real life' offer 'sympathies' and 'support', I don't know about you, but I just find that worse as then you feel as if people feel sorry for you and are walking on eggshells. I do find though that people's support on here is a different kettle of fish as it comes from 'kindred spirits' and people who's sympathy comes from shared experiences rather than pity.
I just want you to know that you aren't alone and are a very brave and strong woman to go through all you have! 
I wish you all the luck in the world that you will get your much deserved BFP one way or another.

Lots of love Angie xxx


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## Georgiepie (Aug 31, 2005)

Thank you Angie.... you are so right about the kind of support given by those on FF.  We just know that everyone, to one extent or another, has been through at least a minimum degree of heartache to be visiting the site in the first place. 

I did tell a few close friends and family when we first decided to do IVF, but with hindsight, that is because I KNEW it was going to work.  I've got to admit that after the first few failed attempts at IVF, some of the "friends" who I had told were not so discreet when asking me about how things were going, and I find it too painful to discuss with family now.  

Regarding your plans - I noted that you are going to try boosting your fertility through good nutrition.  That sounds wonderful!  You'll probably be so much more relaxed that it just happens naturally now.  If that were an option for us, that's exactly what I would be doing!  Maybe we should go back to natural DIUI, and boost my fertility in the same way...?

Have you tried chinese herbs and acupuncture?  I've tried acupuncture, but can't say it made an obvious difference apart from some welcome TLC!

Best of luck
Georgie.xx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Georgie

  I am so sorry about your BFN.  Only you and your DH can decide how long to keep trying for but please don't feel embarrassed about keeping going for as long as you want to.  We were ttc for nine and a half long, hard years and by my last IVF cycle I felt that I was kidding myself and everyone else that there was any chance it could work - but it did.  However, I always felt that whether it worked or not, I wanted to feel that we had given it our best shot, with no "what ifs ...?"  It sounds like there are still options for you to pursue.  Give yourself some time to grieve and recover, then you can decide what to do next.  And get lots of big, big   from that lovely DH of yours when he gets home.

Ellie


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## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Georgie

I've just read through you other posts since mine and I wanted to respond about you taking Metformin.  I aslo take Metformin for blood clotting issues (PAI1 genetic problem) and I was adviced by the clinic in Chicago who diagnosed my problems that I should take it for a least a month before tx in order for my body to respond to it.  Is there a reason that you only started it when you started stimming?

Perhaps this is something you could look into hunni?

Big hugs to you again, I hope you manage to have a few treats this evening  
Allison x


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

Dera Georgie.
Just needed to send you a hug (((((hug))))).

Only you and your husband will know when it is time to stop, we have had 10 cycles in total, including a surrogate cycle last time , and don't have many options left  

You need to lick your wounds, and talk to people that do understand, so don't forget we are here and we do understand, as for feeling ashamed please please don't you have no reason to.

I am sending you loads of hugs to you and your DH.

Love Jo
x x x


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## Georgiepie (Aug 31, 2005)

Hi Allison,

Interesting!

Mr S suggested that I start Metformin at least 6 weeks prior to stimms.  However, I was on the short protocal, there was a delay in communication between myself and my clinic, and suddenly my period started and it was a case of delay stimms for another month (would have been difficult with work) or start the Metformin and stimms together.  I was on one tablet per day for about 5 days (first half of stimms) and then 2 tablets for second half.  My cons reassured me that the main benefit received is from one tablet per day, and should make a satisfactory difference.

I exected to have fewer eggs, but ended up with slighly more, though some were not quite mature. I had 14 eggs collected, 5 were mature, the rest were borderline - I did end up with 8 normally fertilised embryos, so felt I couldn't complain.  The quality on cycle #6 were grade 3 (and some grade 3/4 which we didn't use), so I guess the quality on cycle #7 did improve slightly being at grade 2/3. ??

I thought Metformin was designed to tackle insulin resistence rather than clotting.  ??

Can't believe having a baby is this complicated!  I fancy a stiff drink (only have about one glass of wine a year - I've been living like a nun... almost!  but as I don't officially test for two more days, I'm going to hold back until Wednesday.)

Love
Georgie.


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## Georgiepie (Aug 31, 2005)

Hi Jo,

Thank you so much.  Hug much appreciated.

Did you change clinics for any of your cycles?  

You must be another determined creature like me!  I think I must be crazy because I get knocked down, but like a weeble, seem to spring back.  The only thing is, I sometimes feel a sense of dread at certain key stages in the process (progress scans, EC, ET and of course, test day), rather than the blind faith and optimism experienced with the first few goes.... 

Have you found it difficult fitting your cycles around your work?  I'm fed up with making up excuses, but at the same time, I feel very private about the whole thing so wouldn't dream of telling.

Best of luck.  What will you do next?

Love
Georgie.xx


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

I love that, a weeble  , Yes that is what I have been  

As for work they have been quite good, but I have done a few cycles and not told them, and just said it was holiday, and got round it that way.

I too got that dreaded feeling, I always go scared or worried before any of those points of a cycle, its just because we have been there so amny times, we know what could go wrong, I never got excited, and even if things were OK, I always still said yes, but what if............, don't think I ever really walked out over the moon.

We did change clinic for our last go (surrogate cycle) and I have to say they are fantastic, wish we went there earlier, but we can't take it back now, but at the time the clinic we were with were lovely, the staff were great it was just other things .

We don't think we will do anymore, but I can't yet say no as we do have one blastocyst in the freezer, but that is our last chance 

Take care
Love Jo
x x x


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