# Clinic v clinic - Egg Share



## meonline (Jul 13, 2004)

Hi

I have my second appointment at Barts re egg sharing on 2 August (counselling and bloods).  I have had all my treatment there and as they have all my notes and test results (plus helped to make my DS!) I thought I would stay with them for egg sharing.  I was wondering if anyone has changed clinics to do egg sharing and why?  has anyone had experience of egg sharing at Barts?  I have read lots of positive things about the Lister and was debating going there.  if I change now will Barts give them all my notes?  Do you think it would be quicker to stay with Barts?

any advice much appreciated

Cheers

Carly x


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## *~Nic~* (Aug 1, 2005)

HI Carly

I am with the Lister and as much as I want to say go there they are fab you may be better off staying where you are - if you are happy with them.

I only say this because they know you - they know how you respond to drugs and you know them.

The Lister are fab though - very busy also but are expanding soon and will be getting extra staff which they desperately need.

Good luck whatever you decide

Nic x


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## meonline (Jul 13, 2004)

Hi Nic,

Thanks for replying and sorry for delay.  I had my meeting yesterday and it was very strange after I saw the nurse (and she took a ton of blood from me) we had to go and see the counsellor who seemed to be talking us out of egg sharing.  They go on so much about if the recipient is successful this child will come and find me that they make it sound so negative! 

made me feel a little down about it all. How did you and your DH feel about this?

Carly


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## ikklesmiler (Jul 19, 2007)

Hi Carly
I hope you dont mind me butting in, I am with the lister and had my first appt there on wednesday, we saw the counciller and she was great, she just made sure we understood what egg sharing was about and of course that the child could contact us if they wished, but she was very supportive and in no way put us off, I think your counciller was wrong in the way she made you feel, they are meant to be trained to coucil you and are not allowed to put thier own opinions across in any way...  also as out counciler explained they dont know yet if any child will want to contact the donors, as its quite a new law and it hasnt been around long enough to see if children do contact donors, also before a child is able to contact you the hfea will contact you and tell you the child has asked for details, the child is also councilled before any contact is allowed to be made.
I will be hopefully starting treatment in nov/dec... please dont let the counciller put you off hun, as you will find by talking on here egg sharing is a wonderful thing to do, if you can do it.
Try to pop into the chat room tonight hun, I will be there, fridays are good as they are for newbies like us.
Keep smiling honey your doing a wonderful thing.
Hugs
Ann Marie xxxx


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## meonline (Jul 13, 2004)

Hi Ann-Marie

Thanks for replying.  I know you are right.  She sort of did say that there is a chance it might not work for the receipient, they might not tell their child, the child might not decide to find me but it just seemed that it was all about "you must tell your son that he may have siblings out there as soon as possible", which is something my DH is not keen on doing until we have too.  Also I am a pretty soft person so I know if this child did want to be part of my life I wouldn't be very good at saying no which I think DH would want me to do.  

I hope all goes well with you.  so how long as the Lister said until they find you a match?

I do feel like it is a good thing. Thanks again 

sorry I missed the chat room I had to work on Friday night.  

Carly x


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## ikklesmiler (Jul 19, 2007)

Hi Carly
Our counciller did go on a bit about us telling the children we have already got, I said that Im not telling my 7 yr old yet as she wont understand, and I will tell my teenage son IF the recipient has a child from my eggs, But the way I will tell him will be  'that I gave some of my eggs to someone that couldnt produce thier own, this means that the child they have made with this egg is sort of related to you, but only by genes, it does not mean you have a brother/sister, it just means that there is another person out there with some of the same genes.'    Thats probably not the exact way I would explain it, but I will try to make is as simple and clear cut as possible.
I dont think its necesary to tell your son until the recipient has given birth, and then just keep it short and sweet.  
You do need to make sure you and DH are both happy with donor egg child contacting you, although its something that may never happen.

The lister say they will have a match for me when I start treatment in November, So Im hoping by the end of december I will be preg!!!

Anyway hun, take time to think about if egg sharing is for you, and make sure DH is happy with it too.
Good luck
Ann Marie xx


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## meonline (Jul 13, 2004)

Thanks.  I will chat to DH and see if we can come to a compromise, he is fine about this child finding me but I think he worries about them having an impact or wanting to be a part of our family. do you know what I mean?

My counsellor was trying to get me to tell my son when he was 4/5 and I just don't think he would get it.  I agree with you, short and to the point.

That is great news that you have a match, congratulations  

I will keep you posted, let me know how things go.

Carly x


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## ikklesmiler (Jul 19, 2007)

Hi Carly
I can understand what your DH is saying, to be honest that something I worry about, but its prob not gonna happen,hopefully they will be happy enough with thier own family, and also in 18 yrs when they can contact you, your children will also be grown up too, so it shouldnt cause many probs in the family.

I definatly think that 4/5 yrs old is way to early to tell them! youd only have to explain it all again anyway, they wouldnt remember,  I had to tell my daughter that her real dad had died, I told her when she was 5 and a half, she took it really well, then a month ago (shes now 7 and a half) she started asking me about him and I had to tell her all over again that he had died cos she didnt remember me telling her!  luckily she calls my dh daddy, and hes taken her on as his own so it didnt affect her that much.

The lister havnt got me a match yet hun, but they said by the time my second hiv test is done (which is nov) they will have a match, they are hoping to start me on the pill end of october.

definatly keep me updated on you hun, ill do the same.

Hugs
Ann Marie xxxxxxxxx


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi to you both
Re 'telling' children about their origins.  Actually four or five is really a very good time to start telling children - in fact many of our members start very much earlier than this.  The aim is that children grow up never remembering a time when they didn't know.  In this way donor conception simply becomes part of their story and is never a shock or surprise.  The idea is to build up information in small building blocks over time, not to just give the information in one go.   Learning about donor origins in teenage or adult years is often felt as a betrayal of trust by the young person concerned.  They wonder what else they have been lied to about.
DC Network publishes simple story books for young children and a set of booklets called Telling and Talking that support parents both practically and emotionally with sharing donor information.  These booklets can be downloaded for free from www.dcnetwork.org
Although I understand that you are in the position of being donors rather than recipients, the same principles apply to telling your own children about any half sibs they may have via egg sharing: small amounts of information built up over the years will mean that nothing comes as a shock or surprise.  Young children take on the attitudes and language that we as parents use to talk with them about issues.  Older children, and particularly teenagers, will interpret what we say to them in the light of their own feelings and experience.  If they learn as teenagers that there is a child or children out there who is related to them genetically and feel that this information has been kept from them over the years, they may have a strong urge to seek them out and to refer to them as siblings.  If they have known about the existence of this child or children over many years then they are much more likely to accept this situation as 'normal' and not have an urgent need to seek them out.
Children can cope with information about anything as long as it is put in language that is appropriate for their stage of development...and the Telling and Talking booklets can help with this.
Best wishes
Olivia 


/links


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## PiePig (May 16, 2007)

Thats great info olivia.

will have a look at that website as it sounds really useful.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I can't comment on egg sharing at clinics as I'm too old to consider it so never looked into it, but you can obtain a copy of your notes not clinics happy to give you, some make you write and may charge you an admin fee I was charged 34 pounds.
Good Luck
l x


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