# How do you choose?



## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

We've started to read some CPRs now and are at the stage where we *think* we've found a child we might want to adopt, but there are lots of potential issues. Smitten by the photo, looks like part of the family, but am worried that we might be rushing this (were only approved at panel in April) and that we should wait for 2 children, not 1. We wanted to adopt two at once and I do want a littlie, but may be we would regret passing this child by?

So confused. How do you decide when to go ahead with the next stage of matching and not think about what CPRs you might be missing out on once you have?

Help!

SW ringing shortly with more info about said child. We're emotional wrecks 

Bluebells xxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

nobody tells you how hard this bit is, it used to wear me out emotionally, going round and round and over and over the CPR wondering 'is this the one?'
i can only speak for myself and a few other friends with whom i've had discussions with..i think when you read the CPR of 'your' child, you get a little buzz or tingle..sometimes people just KNOW immediately, others there might be some uncertainties and issues to research and chew over..but if, once those jobs are done, the tingle is still there, and getting bigger and more tingley, then its worth listening to...

for us, we knew straight away we were very interested, we did some reseach and within a couple of days we were almost sure..the tingle was getting bigger! ..and the next week we had our blind viewing of littlie and then we were absolutely sure!

hope that helps, i sympathise, i real;ly do remember how hard it was 

kj x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hiya

We also wondered this and the first child we were offered wasn't right, our gut feeling told us that straight away but we spent a week trying to talk ourselves round.  It wasn't until we read our ds's report that we knew he was 'the one' and that we had done the right thing turning the other child down.  Everyone said you'd know when it was right and when you get that feeling you can see they were right.  That said I then spent a week trying to find all the reasons why he wasn't right and all I could come up with was only 1 child where we had wanted a sibling group, we also knew though that there weren't sibling groups for our age range going through our LA at the time.

As kj says, the feeling gets bigger and bigger.  Its an exciting time but also very hard emotionally reading cprs.  We read them and then wrote down our thoughts before talking to each other and then compared notes as we didn't want either one of us to influence the other, we wanted to see each others true gut feeling first.

Good luck
OT x


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hiya,

We only got to look at one CPR in 9 months and knew instantly we were reading at about 'our child' having said that we were approved for one child (our choice). I think you know if the match feels right and you have to go with some gut feeling and the way you are feeling.

Good luck

Dawny
xx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Thanks everyone. Some really good and helpful advice.  I am certainly getting the tingly feeling about this one and the family likeness is uncanny. My DH seems pretty smitten too, but doesn't let his feelings run away with themselves as much as I do!

We have to wait a week to find out a bit more about him as his SW is on holiday, (don't they always seem to be on holiday), but my gut reaction is that he is the one for us.

His CPR has been sent out to several couples and his SW will then choose which ones she is going to go and see. Our SW has put in a good word for us and says we have a very strong Form F, but I guess all we can do now is wait and make sure we read plenty. Our SW has given us a couple of books to read.

Not been on here for a while but as usual you have come up trumps and made me a feel a lot better about all of this.

Thanks so much
love Bluebells xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Bluebells

SWs and holidays!!!  They always have them at the most inconvenient times too!

Hope the waiting for you goes quickly and you get the news you desire.

Kepp us posted.
Love
OT x


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Well, I have managed to get through the last week and stay reasonably sane! That's not to say I haven't been thinking about this little person almost constantly though. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check by getting excited about adopting in general, rather than just about this little chap, the theory being that I won't 'fall' as far if it doesn't work out. 

Having talked it over with dh, we have decided that if this child feels right for us we should go ahead and fingers crossed adopt him. We are approved to adopt 2 children and in our heart of hearts would really like more than one child, but in some ways it might be better to adopt one at a time. 

The only problem with this might be that we do not have the energy or time to go through the approval process a 2nd time. I know it isn't as drawn out as the first time, but we will be so busy with no1 and aren't getting any younger which might count against us with competitive matches. Any advice on this? Has anyone else adopted children 1 at a time with a space of a year or so.

One other niggle in the back of my mind is, although we didn't necessarily want a really young child (say under a year), this child is already 3 and I keep thinking about little toddlers and how adorable they are. Will I regret not waiting for a littlie?

dh is out with some friends tonight and I have far too much time to think about all this, so excuse the waffle!  Should hear back from our SW about child's SW and her reaction to our Form F next week, so I will keep you posted.

Thanks for reading my rather long rant! 

love from Bluebells xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Bluebells

I can't advise on the fact littlie is already 3 but we were also approved for 2 children and due to a shortage of sibling groups in our LA had said we would consider 1 and we ended up with ds who is the perfect match for us.  We said to our SW from the start that we would go through the process again but would want a girl under the age of 2 which would probably mean we will have a longer wait next time round.  With that in mind we are thinking of re-doing the process mid next year, ds will have been with us for a year and officially adopted 6 months by then.  As ds will only be 3 - 3 1/2 by approval and our LA like a 2yr age gap we will be limiting our matching criteria but our thoughs are the sooner we get on the list again the better position we will be in.

Love
OT x


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## Lady Lucy (Sep 28, 2005)

Hi Bluebells,
I remember starting a similar topic after we first saw some CPRs, we were also approved for 1 or 2 and really wanted a sib group but none felt quite right.  I had lots of good replies and advice, I'll try to bump it up for you.  We then heard about our ds and both just thought 'he'd be ok' but nothing more than that!  As the matching process went on we felt more keen to have him as our child and now 8 months in wouldn't swap him for anything.  I think the age is a big consideration and we very much wanted a child under 2 but now he is here I have realised that they stay that way for such a short period of time and a slightly older child would still have been young enough.
We do plan to adopt again and like old timer would also specify a girl under 2 however we are in no rush, our ds is such a lovely little boy and we feel we owe it to him to spend as much 1-1 time with him as possible and are now thinking after he starts school might be better as we would then have that same time during the day with another adopted child.  I never would have felt that way before and would have had much closer age gaps with any birth children, I just think it has changed the way I think about it.  Everyone's different though.
Lots of luck to you
Cath
x


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

OT - thanks for the advice. You are doing exactly what we are thinking of doing if things work out with this little chap. If he feels right for us, I'm sure we would regret passing him by. It makes sense not to leave it too long to start the process again and once you have officially adopted your ds sounds like a really good time to start. If we did adopt this little boy, he would have been at school for about a term by then, so it would work out quite well. Not that I'm thinking ahead or anything  I looked at his photo again at weekend, couldn't resist. Not sure if was a good idea or not as I am totally smitten and it will make it worse if it doesn't work out to picture him in my head. But, on the other hand, if things look promising, I want to show how I feel about him when it comes to meeting his SW 

Cath - Your post matches exactly what me and dh have been thinking over the last few days. Adopting one at a time might be better because we can offer one to one attention, therapeutic parenting and whatever is required to our first child. That way they will hopefully be really happy and grounded before they start school and there will be more time to offer the same to child #2. Thanks for the offer of sending me the advice you were originally given, really appreciate that 

Child's SW is finally back from holiday today, so should find out more soon. Fingers crossed it will be good news. Will keep you posted 

love Bluebells xx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Cath, 

I've just spotted that thread you mentioned, so have read it.

Just curious - what does bump it up do. Not heard of that term before 

Bluebells x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Bluebells

Its so hard having that photo with so much still to be decided.....we didn't see a picture of ds until a week after we had been officially linked as none of the SWs remembered to bring pictures to the meeting!  It sounds as though you are sorting through what you will do all being well with little one and you sound very excited which I'm sure will come across to his SW.  Best advise I had, think from Ever, was to not hold back on how we had pictured him in our lives and the things we wanted to do with him.

We are in a slightly different situation than most as our ds was relinquished at 16months.  He hasn't suffered any abuse or neglect and though he didn't have a good attachment to his FC, he has settled and attached extremely well to us.  We are also in a small LA and are likely to be waiting for more than a year after our next approval as we want a girl.  We have 2 yrs until ds starts school so by the time things are likely to happen he will either be close to starting or already at school.  So, we are not in any hurry to have a 2nd child placed but circumstances within our LA mean we could be waiting a very long time.

Bump it up basically means someone finding the post and adding to it to 'bump it up' to the top of the page so you can see it.

Good luck with the next stages
Love
OT x


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

We've had to make a very hard decision about this little boy and not proceed with the next stage of adoption. 

This has probably been the hardest decision of our lives and we agonised over it for a couple of weeks. There is an illness in 2 generations of the family, which he may or may not get, but it is something that we know (now we have given it some thought and done some research), could really limit his lifestyle and independence. Every day we (and especially me) would have been worrying that this was the day that the illness would have shown itself and if it did there would be so much he couldn't do.

It is such a hard decision, because having seen the photo and read the foster carers report we felt really attached to him, but in our heart of hearts knew we couldn't be his parents. 

DH rang our SW to tell them. I could not do it, I felt too upset and guilty for turning this child down. He is being considered by 2 other couples and I'm sure he'll find a good home, but until we find the right child it is going to be hard not to wonder what if.

In some ways it's a relief to have made the decision after 2 weeks of agonising and crying over it and I have started getting more than 4 hours sleep a night, but until our child/ren do arrive I won't feel happy about turning down such a lovely little boy.

Bluebells xxxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Bluebells hun     you absolutely did the right thing, if there is any doubt on whether you could be the best parent to a child then it is best to walk away, i don't mean to sound harsh but i'm sure you'll agree every child deserves parents who are able to meet their needs and there is no shame in admitting you are not able to meet those needs (iyswim) 

i know how hard it is turning down a match but keep in mind you didn't turn the match down just for yourself as it was best for the child too   it would of been a disaster (for all) to ignore your instincts and get swept along with the match 

i'm sure this little boy will find a family that is perfect for him as will you   you don't feel guilty about doing the right thing   

pam xx


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

bluebells      

it has to be the right match - and hopefully one of the other families will be the one for him  

your children are out there somewhere hun  

ritz


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hi ya,

Totally understand where you are coming from on this bluebells and you just know when the right child is there for you.

It is very easy to just get attached to just a photo sometimes, and i did several times more than Mrs Cheese.
We looked very carefully through various CPR's including our current little boys. 

You will just know, what is right for you both and don't feel bad about it although SS always consider whats best for the child you also have to think what is right for you and what you feel you can cope with.

Cheese x


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Bluebells - you've done the right thing sweetie. I know it must hurt like anything now but it needs to be right for all of you   

CG xxxx


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