# Our journey to be a family



## Norma12

Early days.........

After a second failed IVF in October 2013 we decided no more IVF. I could handle hospitals, appointments, injections but We can't handle that emotional low when it doesn't work. That 20% chance just doesn't warrant that disappointment. So we've agreed to try the adoption route, but are taking a year to grieve, get back on track, get organised, move house, save money & live our lives again for a bit. Also do research, read up on adoption & help our friends out with their kids to get experience.

I'm still feeling wobbly every now & again, tends to be "the time of the month" when its worse but overall I feel positive about trying to adopt. Scared about the process & the intrusion but I feel hopeful that this may be our route.

In particular Im having a wobble at the mo, the girl sat next to me at work is pregnant, she was off sick when we had IVF in October and her dates are as ours would have been if it had worked. A constant reminder at the moment but I think thats part of my grieving process.

Ive contacted LA & VA to ask a few questions I had and they don't think the issues I had are a problem. My initial chat I was more impressed with VA.

Its early days but i'd like to keep a record of our progress during this journey hence the diary.


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## Sq9

Good luck with your journey


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## flower power

Best of luck! 
Enjoy your year off, you'll need a different kind of energy, one that has a better than 20% chance of success! 


It's a different kind of roller coaster. Far more fun than the last one you were on!


Xx


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## Primmer

Wishing you the best of luck with your journey x


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## Norma12

So over a month has passed by and this has been taken up with selling our house and finding somewhere to move to. Its all still going through with solicitors etc but we have found somewhere we feel will be a lovely family home. So really hoping   it goes through ok. Another test of our patience!

I've bought some books to read, have registered to do reading volunteering through work at a local school & I'm going to ask a couple of friends if we can get some dates in the calendar for babysitting duties. 

I'm still finding myself having wobbles/tears, this tends to be hormonal I think. I'm really struggling with my periods and even thought perhaps I should go back on the pill. But thats a big decision, as then there is no risk of any miracles! But should I still be hoping for a miracle if we are hoping to register our interest in adoption later on in the year Feeling very confused, makes me wonder if I'm quite over the fact we won't have biological children..............................

I still feel quite sad and jealous when friends/colleagues/family/acquaintances announce they're pregnant. Is this still normal?  Does it ever go away? Does it go away when you have finally got a family?  It still doesn't feel fair. I'm bridesmaid for my brother soon & I'd really hoped that I would have had a nice bump for the wedding after the IVF in October, but that wasn't to be. Instead I found out last night one of the other bridesmaids is pregnant, they've only been married 5 months and it was their first try. 4 years with us, and nothing, gggrrrrrr. Whats really annoyed me was no-one told me as according to my mum " people are scared to mention it", so I found out sat around a table full of people and had to put on a smiley face, when if I was told before I could have prepared myself for it. Its like its my fault people don't know how to deal with infertility...................

I guess because we are in limbo yet again nothing seems real, as there is still the possibility we aren't accepted for adoption, so it feels like there is still a chance of more dissapointment.

Think I'm on a bit of a downer, hopefully with the move to a new house this will revitalise us for the adoption process and in the meantime I can find ways of dealing with the sadness I feel.
DH says concentrate on the here and now and enjoy life, I should take his advise but he doesn't have female hormones flying around his body!!


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## Miny Moo

I don't think that feeling ever truly goes away, we are 16 years+ post IVF and if I'm honest I think I still get a twinge when someone announces they are pregnant, it was the wondering if I was acting like I should that got me, we now have 2 wonderful children through adoption, we didn't start the adoption process until 10 years after our last IVF and in the mean time gad fabulous holidays we would never have had if we had our children earlier (still paying for those holidays now).

Take time to get yourself together, I'm not saying 10 years like us!!! Gather your thoughts and to all the things you are Home study can be intrusive and bring up a lot if issues.

Good luck with your journey and honestly it does get easier x


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## Wyxie

Hi Claire,

The feeling hasn't gone away for me, it has just changed.  I still feel a huge amount of grief and anger for what we and our children missed out on, and for the start in life my children had and how helpless I can feel at times when I can see the damage that has been done to my children, and all I want to do is make everything OK, but I can't.  I've recently started doing more life story work with my daughter who is 3, and looking at photo we have of her when she was still in hospital raises a huge amount of powerful emotions which I do struggle with.  I'm not longing for a birth child, I have two wonderful children who I love more than I could possibly explain and certainly as much as I could love a child that carried my and my husband's genes.  I also cannot conceive (no pun intended) of ever stopping using contraception, as a birth child, or indeed any other child at the moment, would be far more than any of us could cope with.  If we do have another child in the future, it would be through adoption, and probably only if a biological sibling comes along at the right time in the future.

But I do still resent the ease with which others have their families, and the choices that have been taken away from us, which most people take for granted.  I still get the very childish and incredibly frustrating and overwhelming feeling of "it's just not fair" when someone married for five minutes tells me they're pregnant.

Re contraception.  I don't think there's any harm in not using it now, although I wouldn't say that to SS when they assess you, but I think you need to be very clear that's a door that you're happy with shutting permanently when you actually go to have a child placed.  The simple fact is that some adopted children will never be in a place where they could cope with a biological sibling arriving.

All the best with your application.  I think doing something proactive towards your end goal, like getting childcare experience or reading adoption related books is a good way of feeling like you're doing something while you're waiting, and it will stand you in good stead with SS when you do start the home study.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## Norma12

Well it feels like we've been on another roller coaster, this time the house moving roller coaster. I definitely do not want to repeat that again. Stresses of solicitors, estate agents, chasing people, packing have triggered my old friend anxiety and a dose of tonsillitis. So i'm dosed up on penicillin & trying to be kind to myself. But I feel emotionally & physically drained.  Its made me question my coping mechanisms as they haven't worked because I feel crap. 
However, i don't know what i could have done differently as we have been in the hands of solicitors for the last 2 weeks (& 3 months). Its all so overwhelming, new house, boxes everywhere, different smells, jobs to do & it all feels out of control.
DH has been amazing today, just taken the lead cleaning & unpacking & i've pottered around, feeling sick & wobbly.
Its also made me question being able to cope with adoption. But what its made me think is I can completely sympathise with how an LO must feel in a new house. Ive cried on my mums shoulder today & had hugs, i think an LO would get alot of love from us. I really have such great support from family & friends & take strength from the inspiring people on FF.
But we have decided we will look at starting to see if we can adopt once we're settled in our new home, done some jobs we want to do & we both feel strong enough. We're not putting a time limit on it as originally we said october, 12 months after treatment but I don't want to rush from one stressful thing to another, i want us both to feel ready. Our house is huge in comparison to our old house, its feels so sunny & positive & would be a lovely family home.

They say moving house is the most stressful thing to do....... I wonder where adoption/being a parent comes on the list!


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## Norma12

Forgot to add on I've arranged some volunteering at a local library, a reading summer school challenge. Reading with infant school kids, so looking forward to that.

We also had a weekend away looking after our friends 2 1/2 year old. We took her to a kiddies zoo, had tea & put her to bed. She was that tired she asked us to put her to bed, easy. Her parents went out for the night. When she woke in the morning her DH opened our bedroom door & dropped her in to us!!!! They had a lie in!! Then we took her to the park ( on scooter, held mainly by dh) & had drinks & cake. She is such a happy go lucky little girl we had no behaviour issues to deal with.

Lessons learnt:
How to fit a car seat
How to do up a car seat!
How to put child in car seat without hitting head
Refresher on nappy changing
Check bag for snacks, drink, nappies before leaving for an outing!
How wriggly kids are to get in clothes!

We were really grateful for our friends letting us borrow the little one and hope for more practises in the coming months.........


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## Norma12

So things are finally settling down again. Chatting to DH this morning, we both realise how much stress we've been under the last couple of years & want to enjoy having time to make our new house feel like home.

Originally I felt like DH was dragging his feet for seeing when we might be able to apply to adopt, but now I see where he's coming from, we need some time for enjoying things before we embark on another big process.

I worry about being rejected due to my history with anxiety & it being triggered by stress. However, I coped with 4 years of ttc, its just this house move thats affected me. Ive taken a week to get back on track, is that really that bad

I sometimes think with ttc and finding different routes to parent we have so much more time to question our ability to be good parents. In some ways this is good as we can assess areas of strengths and weaknesses we need to work on for adoption, but it also allows for some doubt to creep in. 
If you get pregnant at the drop of a hat, you only have the 9 months for that & then parenthood starts with a different set of challenges.

Our cat is still trying to settle in to new house, he's getting lots of snuggles.........


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## Norma12

Well what a difference a bit of time makes!!! 

Finally settling into our new home, feeling much happier, stronger. the anxiety passed after 4 days, having a few days off work helped. I'm panicking Ive cocked up with going to the doctors to get a few days off work as I now have recurrent anxiety on my notes and this will go against us with trying to adopt. But at the time it was what I needed......  
I know moving house is something that triggers anxiety for me, but I'd hoped i would have been ok. I'm feeling great now, so I guess I've learnt that to help me, rest, relaxation, a bit of support from family for a couple of days helps and that these feelings pass. 

I guess we won't know until we apply, when I phoned LA & VA previously they weren't overly concerned, but worried they will be now.

As we have now moved we are under a different LA so need to find out if Bham let you apply to them out of the area?.....


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## Norma12

Realise I didn't say thank you for the kind responses & advise I had from FF'ers earlier in my diary. Made me realise the feelings aren't going to switch off but will just get easier to manage & fade as we go along the adoption journey.

Diy on the house continues & we hope to have alot of jobs done by the end of the year. We've also got a couple of w/e's away planned in september where we'll be looking after friends kids, so looking forward to that. When My one friend told her daughter (6) we were looking after her & we wanted to adopt  she said " mummy i promise not to be jealous when they have a new child because they're really nice & dh is very funny and the child would be very lucky"! Dh shed a tear!

I've phoned up the LA we've moved out of & they accept applications from outside LA however their ofsted report is very poor, so i think we'll go to info evenings for 2 LA's and a VA and see what we feel.

DH said he still wants to adopt, he's enjoying time away from stress at the mo, hope he doesn't change his mind!!!!


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## Nikki 161

Good luck Claire! Apart from the moving house bit your story and feelings is very similar to mine! Will keep everything crossed for you! X


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## Norma12

Has realised every month I'm hoping I get pregnant. Ridiculous really with about a 1% chance. I'm feeling hormonal. But this scares me I'm not moving on & accepting our new path. 
I'm thinking about going back on the pill......

I'm still feeling angry, jealous that i will never experience pregnancy & giving birth.

Confused.com


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## Handstitchedmum

Going back on birth control is probably a good idea, to give yourself a break from wondering if this month would be your miracle. Those of us with anxious tendencies can get "a bit" obsessive over the what-ifs. And you need to give yourself space to heal, with nothing hanging over you.

Even now, several years on, I'm still swept into that negative cycle of emotions re: fertility. It reminds of how peaceful and settled I felt without the doubt and wonder. I can't take hormonal birth control, but I really wanted to, for that assurance.


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## Norma12

So I've left it ages with updating, oooppppsss!

We're really settling into our new home now. We've done alot of DIY and this month we're tackling the last big job of plastering and decorating the lounge. after that we just need to sort the spare room out. Its starting to feel like ours now.

We had a busy & nice xmas and new year with family ( apart from having the lurgy). Glad to have a bit of space now though.

On the adoption front we're spent more time with our friends kids & I looked after my friends 2 on my own which was fun! Hubby is starting some voluntary work soon with children.
We've been to 3 open evenings, 2 at LA and one at VA. We got great vibes from VA, and the one LA seemed ok. We had initial visits with VA and LA. We were invited to go with VA there and then, LA rejected us due to our location in their LA. 
So we were left with decision of trying the other LA ( which doesn't have good reports) or find another LA.
We've decided to go with VA as we feel they are right for us & will give us the support we need. However, I am having doubts about us actually getting a child of the age we want. Just have to hope there is a child who needs to be placed outside of their LA. They work as part of consortium so hoping that helps too.

So we have prep soon........... Feeling really excited by it all but prepared for a long wait based on current situation with number of children at the mo.
It will give us time to boost our savings 
In the meantime we've booked ourselves a couple of holidays to pass the time this year, looking forward to them

Happy new year to everyone & hoping dreams come true in 2015 for my online fertility friends xxxxxx


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## Norma12

So we've officially started stage 1. Register of interest form sent off and prep sarts this week..... Exciting.

Decorating comjng along slowly, will hopefully be done by April & that just leaves the spare room to be done. Making progress


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## Billybeans

I have just read your diary for the first time Norma. How are you doing? Good luck on your journey.xx


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## Norma12

Hi,
I'm doing fine, thanks for reading. Our referees havent been interviewed yet and still waiting for my medical to be signed off at the agency, so still in limbo land & won't know if we have passed stage 1 within the 2 months tomescales.

Really hoping we do but I know they have asked my GP further questions, so praying I don't fail the medical.
Anyway, carrying on with working through homestudy workbook & doing the reading while we wait. DH leeps reminding me we have no control in this process so no point fretting.

How are you doing billbeans? Xx


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## Norma12

Hi, I've been following updates on the adoption buddies thread, glad to see some matches this past week 😄

We've started stage 2, had official lettet last week & the first joint homestudy session. It went well, felt relaxed with SW. I think we should finish SW visits at end of June & panel September, dependent on what comes up in homestudy. I'm really starting to feel the emotional side of the journey this past week. Whilst my motivation hasnt changed I have an underlying feeling of fear as I know we're really in this process now!

Its been an emotional week as something very upsetting happened in our local community & I feel saddened by it. My mums had to have investigative hospital  checks but thsnkfully thats all clear. 
I'm excited by the prospect of having a family, and also feel fear as to what we are letting ourselves in for!! Os this normal? 
I guess ghe next few weeks with homestudy will explore these feelings, the main thing is having techniques & a support network to cope with them xxx


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## Norma12

Feeling excited today!!! 

3 home study sessions done and seems to be going well xxx


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## ciacox

Hi Norma

just catching up on your diary as it looks like we are roughly at the same stage (although I've been delayed getting going with Stage 2). Glad all is going well!


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## Norma12

Thanks ciacox. Hows it going with you? We've only one more home study session and panel in September. Exciting times, reality is kicking in. DH keeps telling me this is the easy bit, the hard bit is the waiting & when we finally become parents!!!

SW is really positive about panel, think we will be in for a long wait as looking for 0-4 x


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## Norma12

Final session of homestudy done!  
Waiting to get Par written up & panel in September. Its going ok but I think I'm still trying to come to terms with the likelihood we won't get a litt'un. I'd love 0-2 but know realistically they'll be 2-4 😢. We want at least pre-school age to have time before school. 
We're going to be in for a long wait, hoping there's an LO out there for us  

Anyway, need to concentrate on getting to panel first before the hard stage starts.......


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## Norma12

PAR writted by SW and we've signed it off, we're happy with it, its very positive.

4 weeks to panel. A busy couple of weeks at home & then I'm going to try and read threads re possible qiestions & get my thoughts on answers written down to help prepare.

Its been a funny couple of weeks. We had a very different sort of holiday to our normal hols. Was with friends and kids. We had loads of fun, we were exhausted and would be nice to do it again at some point. Didnt feel any pangs of jealousy etc, just enjoyed playing with the kids & having our own time in the evenings. 

I'm still excited about our journey......


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## Sq9

Good luck - panel will be here before you know it


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## Norma12

Panel next week!!!! Eeekkkk x


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## ciacox

Good Luck Norma! Ours is early November so not far behind you. Hope it's a friendly and positive experience for us both. Come back with an update!


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## Norma12

We got a unanimous yes at panel!!!!!


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## crazyspaniel

Great news!


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## ciacox




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## Norma12

Thankyou ciacox- good luck for your PAR meeting tonight.

Well we've done our profile for adoption link & our form for the national register. Had a little look on adoption link, and as we thought there are very few children in our criteria. There was only one little one I felt drawn too but our ethnicities are different & whilst we're comfortable with that I think we'll be bottom of the list for the little ones SW. Hmmmm, we fell in that criteria for alot of the children though.

This is going to be tough, its very daunting searching through real profiles...............


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## Norma12

This looking & waiting & rejection process is hard. Feel like we can't plan stuff. Considering doing some diy but wouldn't want the house to be a tip if we had a SW visit. But I think we're going to go for it as realistically nothings going to happen soon. Not knowing if could be 1 or 2 makes it difficult to decide what to do with our bedrooms.
We've got a SW visit soon so hopefully we can catch up on how the family finding process is going. Its strange thinking other SW could be looking at our PAR, I wonder what they think??........
Having a bit of a downer about it all today.....


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## Sq9

Congratulations on being approved  . Waiting to be matched is hard. I found the uncertainty of the length of wait the hardest part - if our sw had told us when we were approved we would wait 10 months to find our princess, I would have been fine with that as could have planned around it. We really tried to do things as a twosome that we knew we probably wouldn't do for a while after lo came home like going out to for tea,weekends away and we managed 2 sunny holidays during our wait. I found doing lo's room and buying things we'd need for a wide age range like cot bed helped too as I felt close to lo even though we didn't know when we'd meet when I was in the room and it helped me remember that we were going to be parents. I would say go for doing DIY even if you just do 1 room in neutrals that can be added to once you know age and sex. Hang in there - I really didn't believe it until it happened but all the heartache of waiting melts away the second you find out about your little one(s). The wait is so, so worth it


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## Norma12

Thank you for your positive words Sq9, just what I needed


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## Norma12

Been busy doing decorating & xmas shopping. Getting there slowly. I thought I was really organised but xmas seems to be creeping up on us so quickly & still loads to do.

Hopefully this week we'll get to read a CPR of a little one we're interested in,not sure how many others are being considered though..... & also might find out more on a sibling group we are interested in. Excited to find out more information, scarey though!!!
Its very hard to not get carried away as nothing is certain, trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt xx


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## Norma12

Very excited as we have a potential link!!! A little blue who is gorgeous in the pics & we're really positive about his CPR. His social worker really brought him to life when we met her too.
We're the only ones being considered. Fingers crossed we make it to a match xxx


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## Tw1nk82

Fingers crossed Norma so exciting xx


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## Tictoc

Congratulations - exciting times!


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## Norma12

Thank you


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## Sq9

Congratulations - enjoy all the preparations 😊. Such an amazing time xx


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## ciacox

Fantastic news! So pleased for you. When is matching panel? Enjoy this time - I know it's stressful while you're still waiting for things to be signed off but the shopping and sharing the news and preparing the house are so much fun and gets you all ready to love him!


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## ciacox

Fingers crossed for Feb! We told people and started shopping pretty much as soon as we were officially linked. We figured that if we waited til matching that might only leave two weeks to get everything done and we were too impatient. We're going to panel next week and I am nervous - especially since the whole world knows and the house is full of baby things - but overall I've enjoyed the prep so much that I think it's been worth  the risk. How old is your LO? Ours will be 16 months at intros so we're preparing to be ambushed by a toddler!


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## Norma12

Matching Panel is in March, so a lot of waiting to do!!!
Hopefully we'll know more after mid feb when the SW 's have had their planning meetings & if they're still happy with the potential match we can start getting organised.

Limbo land is hard  

Mixture of excitement & nerves, which is pretty normal when I read others diaries!!!!


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## ciacox

Waiting is hard and that does seem to be a pretty long one. Mid feb not so far off though, so at least from then you'll be able to start planning. One thing that helped us was being in touch with the foster carer and get the occasional pic of our LO texted to us. Made him more real and was good to have up to date pics as the ones on his profile were taken in August and he's changed a lot. I tried to spend the time thinking of him and trying to connect with the idea of him but in the end it all felt too surreal so I just concentrated on practical stuff. In the end that was what felt most connecting - choosing a pram, decorating his room, washing and ironing the handed down clothes we'd been given. And enjoy this, you're linked, you've every  reason to think this little one is yours, and you can nest! xxxxx


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## marty123

Dear Norma! I'm sure this option is also marvelous. Why torture yourself with the numerous attempts when you're not feeling they will work out. And waste more and more time spent in vain!? I suppose you did well. Time will fly and one day carrying about your tiny creature you'll all these negatives.   I appreciate people like you. Just think you're going to give all your love and care to a small person who needs it so much! Being aside parents' love she/he will get the happiness of being adored by you!  It's so nice!! Lovely people you are. 
You're just right with taking time to make some changes in your life. And get relaxed at the point. Very soon everything will change for better I'm sure. You'll successfully expand your family and become one of the happiest ones on the planet! I'll be praying for you, lovely mother to be


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## Norma12

Thank you both xxx

Keeping mid feb in sight, its only next week & then if all goes well we can get contact with the foster carer & it will seem real!! I bought a couple of things, books, clothes etc when we were linked as I was so excited. We've stopped buying now until we know more.

I've been reading your intro updates ciacox, hope today goes well xx


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## Norma12

We've been busy preparing.

Matching meeting went well & we have matching panel  in 2 weeks time. Intros start 30th. Just praying we get a yes as panel. Such a strange limbo time of preparing but with no certainty until panel. 
We Met foster carers last week, they're lovely. We've seen more pics & videos & he's very cute!!!

😊


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## ciacox

Sounds brilliant. Not long now!


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## butterfly15

Hi Norma,

I have just read your story and it is very similar to mine and I can completely understand all the feelings you went through with the disappointment of IVF not working and how hard it is when everyone else having babies around you.  We had IVF in 2013 and both attempts failed, two embryos and then a frozen one.  We gave ourselves two years to come to terms with it and we got married and had a lovely honeymoon last May and it was the best thing we could have done.  Since then we have been looking into adoption even though it has been at the back of our minds for a few years.  It has been so nice to read your story.

We have just started the adoption process and had our second preparation group day yesterday, we have our last one next Friday.  I had my medical too!  I can't wait to hear all about your preparation, meetings and planning etc.

Ciacox your story too has given me hope and I am looking forward to your happy ending too!!

I guess we are just at the very beginning and have a long roller coaster ride ahead of us, but for once its a ride I am looking forward too after 5 years of trying to conceive.

Keep me posted and well done to you both xx


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## Norma12

Thanks butterfly!!
I've found this process much more positive than IVF. I'm really enjoying the preparation at the moment, I guess its a nesting instinct. I know thisjourney takes a long time& can be frustrating but I've found the time has naturally allowed us to accept each stage & mentally prepare for placement.

Wish we had made it in time for Feb panel though as I would have had a Mothers Day tomorrow.
Hubbys done me 'a mummy to be' 'card,bless him instrad & I'm cooking my mum s roast so that will be sweet anyway xx

Counting down to the 15th & panel day.

Enjoy the next day of prep butterfly x


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## butterfly15

Hi Norma,

Of course, Mother's Day I hadn't even thought about it in that way, but don't be disappointed, next year will be even more special and think about Christmas this year and how exciting it will be for you!!  Your hubby is very sweet with the mummy to be card, that's very thoughtful of him.  Only 10 days to go until panel day!  How exciting!

I would just want to get into stage two that would be great for us, small steps!  We spent the day with our god children at the sea life centre and everything around me I was mentally taking notes lol!!!

xx


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## Norma12

Panel next week......
Starting to feel nervous, what if they say no We're so prepared for this LO & already smitten.

Trying to stay positive & going to prepare for questions this weekend xx


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## butterfly15

Hang in there Norma not long to go!!!  I'm sure you will be fine, we had our last preparation day yesterday and the SW said that by the time you get to matching panel they have already decided and its very rare it is a negative outcome. 

They did also say that once you are confirmed by the panel it goes very quickly!!!  

xxxx


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## Norma12

We got a unanimous yes at panel!!! 
Relieved & excited xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay fantastic news. 
So when do you meet your baby? Xx


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## Norma12

Hopefully on the 30th xxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay not long to wait now  will be amazing xx


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## butterfly15

That's fantastic news!!!!  Congratulations how exciting!!!!!


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## ciacox

Congratulations!! Not long now xxx


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## Norma12

We've been ratified! Phew  

Last day of work yesterday & we start intro's on the 30th, very excited, but also the nerves are starting to kick in....... What if he doesnt like us


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## ciacox

Congratulations!! Looking forward to hearing about him. Don't forget you're playing the long game. You may or may not like each other instantly but the love will come. Xxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hope today went well xx


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## Norma12

Day One

Went very well, he's very cute & such a smiler. Even had a little cuddle. Was made to feel at ease at foster carers, they're lovely. Exhausted, time to chill xx


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## Norma12

Day 2

He's attaching really well & is happy with attention from both of us. Really pleased with how its going.
I'm finding it hard in someone elses house & controlling my anxiety of the situation, its never quite the same as being in your own home. Its also very emotionally draining, living in two very different worlds at the moment.


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Intros are the hardest thing we have ever done, little mans foster carer was amazing but trying to make yourself at home in someone else's house is difficult.

It does get easier once little one is home and your in control. Intros are incredibly tiring. Sending massive hugs and just keep thinking he will be home soon  xxxx


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## ciacox

Thinking of you! It's such a strange time. Our LOs FCs really did their best to make us feel at home but by the end we were dying to get LO to ours. Enjoy and take lots of photos. I'm already looking back at the ones we took in those first days!


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## Norma12

Thanks for your support guys it really helps.

I'd say we're "coping" at the moment. Its so hard, all the driving & being in someone elses house. We're making use of our support network already. Mum & dad doing shopping & housework for us. & talking through things with friends has helped. 

Every new thing we do with him is anxiety provoking as I feel like we have an audience. Yesterday we did a little trip out just the 3 of us, so we did new car seat & pushchair. He did really well & loved looking around him. Finding it hard to enjoy it as its so overwhelming. 

I can't begin to tell you how hectic the foster carers home is, they're lovely but it really is just too much. I'm struggling to eat meals with them as i just feel so uncomfortable, which is playing havoc with my IBS. After today things switch to here so hoping to feel a bit better with things. Although our sw warned us its likely to still feel very anxious. 

On the positive side, LO is doing very well & transferring his attachment to us. Which is better than we could have asked for. 

Any suggestions of coping with the overwhelming situation


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## ciacox

It will get easier once your home. Will FC be there too or just to drop him off? One thing I realise now but didn't during intros is that it's ok to tag team a bit. If you're like us, you and your DH will both be hovering over him watching him with a sense of awe/wonder/fear while he eats or presses buttons on some toy. Now that I look back I think that must have been totally weird for our boy, who was used to being left to do his own thing in a busy household. So - if you can - don't feel bad about leaving him 1-1 while one of you goes for a walk/bath/snooze occasionally. I think it'll do you all good. Also, respect his naps. Our intros were planned with total disregard for LOs naps and he kept missing them which I now know would have made the whole process so much more stressful for him. Finally, don't feel pressure to see progress every day. We had a couple of days during intros where we felt we had been getting on better the day before and so we felt worried. But we needn't have!

When is move in day?


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## Norma12

will PM u x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hope today has been a little better honey xx


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## ciacox

Thinking of you! Not long til he's home xxx


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## Norma12

Thank you both.

Things have been easier with him at home for visits. Its nice to be finding our own feet. I feel for him with all the travelling, we're exhsusted so he must be shattered. He's having a nap at the mo, so we've got a cuppa & putting our feet up. 

He's doing so well & is comfortable with us & can be comforted when upset, tired, hungry, we've just got to figure out whats what. Not really sure if he's eating enough but we're not in any sort of routine so can't suss out snacks/meals/bottles just yet 😔

Review meeting tomorrow to assess how its going
😁


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

So glad it's a little better for honey it won't be long until he's home for good. The travelling on tough we had a long distance too and it was so tiring xx


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## Tictoc

When we were doing intros with our AS he barely ate but we just trusted what the foster carer said he ate. To be honest even when we got him home it took us a few months to get him into a proper eating pattern - in their home I don't think there was a strict routine around food so he dropped it fairly easily as not really a foodie. He's not doing too badly now though - my only child who doesn't love food though!


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## Norma12

Well he's home!!!! Yippee!!! & asleep, but not sure how long that will last as he's quite unsettled, poor little mite. 
I can't begin to tell you how stressful the last couple of days have been. Not with LO, but logistics. But we can forget about all of that now & enjoy settling LO in.

We've both breathed a sigh of relief that the travelling is over. We couldnt thank the foster carers enough & today was very emotional, I couldn't do a hand-over again, we all cried so much.

Sorry thr post is a bit dis-jointed, exhausted but happy xxx

Thanks for your support throughout our introductions.


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## ciacox

Congratulations guys! Totally surreal feeling isn't it? Hope he sleeps okay. xxxx


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## Norma12

Thanku!!

Its very surreal but feels right 😊


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## Norma12

Day 4 on LO being home

We're exhausted but its lovely not having to do the travelling. We're slowly coming to terms with the trauma of introductions. We're without a car currently & have a huge repair bill for it to be fixed & a big credit card bill for hire car fees that wasnt planned for!!! Thankfully my M & D have been amazing & done our shopping, ironing  etc for us. 
To top it off the pushchair wheels come off today so my dads taking me tto get an exchange!! We can't be without any transport!!

LO is doing well considering, alot of grizzling, & wanting to be held which we didnt really see in FC's but we're putting that down to him attaching to us & settling in. He's eating ok & drinking ok so we're happy with that.
He loves the washing machine & crawling around the house exploring & loves our cat phew.
He's not keen on the pushchair but I don't think he's really been in one. So we're having little walks out in the afternoon. 

We just need to suss getting him to sleep with a comfort other than his bottle in cot. & suss out when we eat dinner  to fit in with him eating, bath, bed!!!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

You will get your routine established soon so don't worry to much about that. 
Sorry your car is causing problems not what you need at this time and the buggy that's not good at all  

We eat once lo is in bed we do his tea at 5 with bath at 6 and bed for 6.45-7 seems to work well that way then we get to relax and eat tea it's later but we're used to it now.

I wouldn't worry too much about baby going off with bottle in cot ours used to do that until we dropped the bottle and it never did him any harm he didn't have a dummy or comforter was just his bottle and I would remove it from cot once he was asleep.

Glad your settling well its exhausting but once you get in routine you'll be fine. 

Hugs xxxx


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## Norma12

Thanks Emma, thats reassuring about the bottle. I'd not really heard of babies going down in cot actually with the bottle & it felt a bit strange but its what he's used to.

We're settling into a routine, he likes a long morning nap which is nice. He's not really a foodie & is ok with pureed /textured food but doesnt like finger food/lumps yet. Feel like he's having to much milk & not enough solids so we're going to work on that over the next few weeks. 

Loving having DH here, not sure how I'm going to cope when he goes back to work, it really feels like a 2 man job at the moment!!!
But he's very cute & we're having some lovely moments all together x


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## ciacox

Hey Norma - sounds like you guys are doing brilliantly. God, can't believe you has car trouble on top of all the other intros chaos. Hope you are finding some moments now to relax and get over it xxx


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## Tictoc

Norma - when we bring home the kids first time and before I have worked out how I will manage I always think it is going to fall apart when DH goes back to work but each time I have actually found it easier. It's just easier to work out a routine without having to take DH into account. I loved having home around but easier without him 😆

Also - I agree routine will come - it takes a while to re-adjust so just try to enjoy. Finally - I know each child is different but my 3rd one was all about the milk and just puréed food when he came home at  9 months - I hated it - I love food and wanted him to love it like my others do but trying to push him just backfired and ended up with us all stressed.


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## Sq9

Congratulations! You're doing brilliantly.  Our lo was 9 months when she came home and a huge thing had been made by fc about her not liking lumpy food and only puréed stuff still - I went back to basics for a few weeks and just gave her home made puréed stuff then introduced more lumps and finger food and she was fine as it turned out she just didn't like the jar food foster carer was giving her. Experiment with different food and textures but try not to worry about it. Easier said than done I know 😊 xxx


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## Norma12

LO has been home for 12 days & I just don't know where the time has gone!!!

Thank you for all your support & guidance, it really helped put my mind at rest. We're really enjoying lovely times together & have been venturing out now we are mobile again. LO seems to be falling in to a routine & settling in well. 
Eating is still a bit hit & miss but health visitor is coming tomorrow to give us some advise re milk, cot, reflux, food etc. Pleased that our initial meeting she seems down to earth & happy that we don't change anything suddenly while he's attaching to us.

We're hoping once we've sorted the milk/bottle we can help him with settling himself to sleep. He really doesn't like the pushchair & only lasts 20 mins & we end up carrying him. We bought a carrier but he didnt like that, he's such a wriggler & loves exploring.

Finally feel like we're relaxing into it a bit more now & enjoying each other more 😍


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## Norma12

We always knew when we took on LO that there was a sibling being born soon. So now we've been told they have been born. 
We never really knew how timescales would work out but contact has been made with our SW. It feels way too early as LO has only been with us 2weeks today. They're looking for asap F2A, well as quick as goes through courts. But in my mind I was thinking we wanted to settle with LO first & not jeopardise his placement, so was thinking at least 3 months.

Feeling confused,& very tired after 2 nights of no sleep & a teething grizzly child


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## Sq9

Sending you big hugs. It is so hard to know what is the right thing to do.  I kind of hoped that the way BM was during little pink's proceedings meant she wouldn't have any more but we'd always said we would find it hard to say no to a sibling. We found out the week after I'd gone back to work that BM had rocked up to hospital 35 weeks pregnant. LA wanted us to consider fta from hospital because her circumstances hadn't really changed since little pink's proceedings. After a lot of tears and soul searching, we decided to say no.  Little pink was quite unsettled when we found out about her sibling as she'd started nursery a few weeks before that and it just felt too quick. Making the decision was the hardest thing we've had to do but 4 months on, we don't regret it at all because it was the right thing for us as a family. We're happy as our little family of 3. 
If the timescales feel wrong but it's what you want to do, I'm sure there would be scope for slowing things down.  Delay isn't usually in the best interests of a child but in some circumstances it is.  If it's decided that the best place for lo's sibling is with you, a few more weeks or even longer in foster care is going to be worth it in the long run if it means they are moving into a more settled forever family. You could ask about starting off with some direct contact so you're all getting to know each other gradually, while you're still building your bond at home with lo. Lots of people on here have gone through this soon after placement and it has worked out great, but it has to be right for you all. I know it's an obvious thing to say, but only you know if it's best for your family to take sibling so don't feel pressured by anyone into making a decision you're not happy with. Be open with your sw and ask about slowing things down.  
Good luck xxx


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## ciacox

Hey Norma - just seen your update. That must feel very fast. How are things going? Have you got a timescale yet? Hope all is going well with LO. xxx


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## Norma12

Its been 4 weeks since LO moved in!!! Its flown by in a blur of exhaustion I think! 😜
DH went back to work this week. Thankfully my mums been helping out so its made things a bit easier. LO's sleep routine has gone pear-shaped, not sure if its because DH is at work or not, but usually by 6.45 he's desperate for sleep. Tuesday it was 9.30 before we could get him to sleep and tonight it was 8pm & he just didnt seem tired....
Think he might be teething again though.

We've had some lovely trips out to park etc & he loves looking at ducks, birds. He'scoming on well with learning words & eating lumpy food!!! 

Finding it hard to occupy him while i prepare/cook his tea as he just wants to be held at the moment, any tips would be appreciated!!!


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## Thepinklady

Have you a good carrier? If he just wants to be held that's what he needs. He needs the closeness and reassurance to build the attachment. A good carrier will allow you to hold him and prepare his tea.


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## Norma12

We tried the ergo but he just screamed, he's such a wriggler he didnt like feelibg restricted😔

Trying to plan really well with meals & parents ate helping out. So there may be a few moments he's in the travel cot next to me in the kitchen.  I might try moving the high chair by me as he likes watching what i'm doing ......

No news re second. Theyre going to court soon we think. Not sure if i can cope with 2, i'm up twice at least in the night with one LO. We'll see. We haven't told family until a decision is made.


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## ciacox

We had this issue. LO likes to be held and gets quite stressy around food he can't eat immediately!  Now I just cook when he's in bed and freeze in small pots that I microwave. Wish i could potter around cooking with him but this works and we're all happier.


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## Norma12

Feeling exhausted........
I think the last few weeks have caught up with me. We've been doing sleep training which is draining & we had immunisations this week so things have gone to pot. Have found it hard trying to get into a routine with just me at home & preparing his food. Mum & dad have been helping loads & i'm conscious i need to get into a routine doing things myself. Also, i feel like i should be getting him out more but finding that hard around meal times & 2 naps. When I've took him out over lunchtime he just doesnt eat much & then i stress it will have a knock on effect. Should i just go with it & if hes hungry he's hungry??

Trying to find a playgroup for the afternoon is proving difficult as thats the nap he tends to drop.....
Been up since 4.30am with a crying little one so probably not making much sense.


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## Norma12

LO has sickness & diarrhoea 😥 Poor thing

On a plus note he's managing to go to sleep now at bedtime without a bottle of milk but with one of us in room for reassurance. We tried reassurance from outside the room & he didn't stop crying. We really didn't feel comfortable with the controlled crying so have settled for one if us in the room & he nods off in about 15 mins. We're hoping once he's been with us longer we can move to thr next step or we might have just made things more difficult in the long run!!!! 

Next is to work on the same for his naps, thats going to be tough doing it on my own whilst DH is at work. But we wont do that until hes feeling better.

NHS guidance says to keep up fluids & solids which we're doing but his food just goes through him 😔 Its also meant hes been waking for a night feed again 😁


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## Norma12

LO is settling well. He seems so much more like a toddler than a baby now. He's walking & he's really coming on with his speaking. He's chosen his first few words as "flower, owl, cat, duck, daddy, grandad" not the usual words!!!!
He's eating so much better now, which means meal times are less stressful. He's also very cuddly with us & such a charmer with people. Feel more settled in a routine at the moment, albeit with colds & teething in the mix, which sometimes sends things a bit crazy but manageable.
We're having mini meltdowns when its food time, so i have to be mega organised to get lunch ready for just before 12 or earlier & dinner just before 5. Also little tantrums when he doesnt get his own way or frustrated when he can't do something, which I think are normal at this age.

We're going to 2 play groups a week which he loves & hoping to take him swimming soon.

Its Been hard work, but I feel like i am enjoying being mummy now, at first I felt like I was going through the motions, but now I enjoy being with him. There is a lot of clock watching involved to get naps, meals, snacks, freshair/activities fitted in during the day & it scares me that this year will just fly by, so I'm trying to stop & be mindful of our time together. Also, with all the constant running around I've lost some weight compared to sitting at a desk all day at work!!!


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## Norma12

OMG I havent updated since July!!! 

Well we had our first Christmas as a family of 4. LO's sibling joined us in November & its been a tough few weeks. Prior to introductions we had achallenging few weeks working with the LA & at matching panel.  They didnt make it easy or enjoyable for us & we felt like they were not supportivie of the match at all. 

Anyway, we got through that & little LO came to us the middle of November. Intros were hard factoring in big LO & looking back they should have been planned slightly differently. Big LO has been poorly for the first 3 weeks,chest/ear infection & then tonsillitis which has made things really tough. DH has spent alot of time caring fir little LO while I cared for poorly big LO who understandably hasbeen very clingy.

We're starting to see improvements now but big LO had regressed with sleep.we're starting some gentle sleep shuffle as he wont go in his cot & his naps in his cot have stopped. Eatings regressed too to not eating lumpy food,partly the change with little LO & partly being ill.

On the positive, Little LO has settled well & wr're workibg on his attachment to me again. He loves watching /chasing his sibling & they laugh together which is soooo cute.

We've definitely done the right thing for them & us just need more sleep!!!! 😴


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## Dawn86

What a lovely journey to your two LOs. Congratulations and best wishes for 2017 as a family of 4!


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## Norma12

We had celebration hearing last week for LO, was lovely 💙. We've sent off the application for little LO this week too, hoping its abit quicker than it took for LO. 

I've started to settle into being at home with the 2 of them now & found ways ofmanaging. Surprisingly little LO is happy to play in the travel cot whilst I put LO down for his nap. I also use a wrap/carrier whilst in the kitchen if one of them is a bit wingey. 
Theyre both enjoying playing together & our little clubs we go to in the week. I feel like i'm finding more time to play with them, which is lovely, think itsbecause i've been more organised with getting meals ready/prepared & they tend to have an afternoon nap at a similar time at the moment.

Sleep is still an issue of a night, but we are at least getting intermittent nights where LO sleeps for a longer stretch now. Ive kept the calpol plug-in on the last couple of nights & that seems to have helped. 

I'm starting to enjoy it again now as the sleep deprivation isn't as bad.

Looking forward to the Spring/Summer & getting out & about with them.

P.s the cuddles are great from both of them 💙💙


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