# Regression



## Lou Lou 32 (Jul 2, 2010)

Hi,

I have two adopted dd, 4 and 2 years of age. They were placed with us in October and we are fantastic, we can't believe how lucky we are.

According to our social worker our 4 year old is emotionally at the level of a 2 year old. She advised into try and treat her like a baby so we have rocked her, fed her, bathed her etc like a baby with her taking the lead to request it. She does appear to like this contact and I do understand that she was not looked after this way as a baby however I think that some of this is more about her jealousy of me doing these things for her sister rather than her and to be honest I am finding it a bit exhausting! My family don't understand it at all.

I was wondering if anyone had any advice from going through this stage with their LOs and how long it lasted?

Many thanks. X


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi 

Congratulations on your LOs.  One adopted child is hard work, having 2 placed at the same time is probably even harder and you are still in the early stages of placement which is so draining in itself.

I've adopted 2 children separately and my older one did regress for a number of reasons not least the big change, jealousy, not having had that level of care himself and his thinking it was cute/funny to do the same things as his baby sister.

The change in your 4 year olds life will lend itself to regression and this should be used to the positive, great for bonding and though its tiring you will be filling in many gaps for your LO and that is hugely important.  Its hard to say which bit may be jealousy so its better to try and baby as and when rather than try to work it out.  

How long  I don't think there is an answer to that, LO will reduce their need as they feel more secure and the need has been met.  It may also resurface again when they are older.  

Try and put in some rules about where and when you will do this, ie at home, before bedtime, while younger is having a nap.

My DS has needed less and less as he has seen his baby sister grow up and become more independant.  DD is now 28 months so still needs a lot of help but was 14 months when she came home.

You could try, if appropriate, saying how FC used to do this for 4 yr old and filling in the gaps by talking about it gently.

Honestly though, the first few months are exhausting and regression is normal for our children at this stage.

OT x


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## Lou Lou 32 (Jul 2, 2010)

Hi Old Timer,

Thanks so much for your advice, it's great to hear how things are going for people further down the line. Setting some boundaries is a great idea I hadn't really thought about it in that way, thought I had to do it all the time which is difficult and she varies so much in whether she wants to do something or me to do it throughout each day. It would also make it easier to parent both of them as do feel youngest gets a bit of a bad deal in it all. I know it's very early I think I have found this bit more challenging than I thought I would especially as oldest is so articulate and grown up in some ways. 

Thanks again, I'll stick at it
Lou


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## AnneS (Sep 18, 2006)

Hi Lou,

your question and the reply to Old timers post could have been written by myself. We adopted a 2 and 1 yea old and were told to expect the older to regress, but I would say, most of it was jealousy and/or copying the younger sibling and trying thus to be cute. DH and I agreed some ground rules and some scenarios were we baby the 2-year old. we never compare them along the "you are the older one and have to be faster/better/braver" line. it is hard going and i do not always know when to baby him or not. However, I think you should consider doing this fairly intensively for the first 2-3 months and then try to judge noticable changes in behaviour. I was advised that the first settling in period will take abotu 8-10 weeks and as we have just passed this mile stone i would say (with the benefit of hindsight) that this is probably about right. 
And i foudn my older one more challenging because he talks back etc. Often felt guilty because i found the younger one cuter and easier. but then she is now driving her poor dad crazy. DH finds the older one easier!
I stop waffling, best of luck.

Anne


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