# unsupportive partner who wants to do what he likes....should i stay or go?



## milano (Sep 2, 2013)

Hello everyone

I'm new here so please forgive me if i don't know the ettiquette yet. I will learn! Does anyone else have to cope with an unsupportive partner? Mine seems to think that he can do what he likes and it won't affect anything, even though the only reason i am doing IVF is because of him. We are about to go into our 4th and final round which is already heartbreaking. I have put up with his excessive drinking, smoking ( now quit because i threatend to leave) and now he has started with marijuana ( to relax and because he can do what he likes because he is 42!!) I feel awful. Totally unsupported. He thinks i take it all too seriously whereas i feel he treats it like some kind of joke. I am stuck in Italy without friends or family just his mum! This really is the most important thing in my life right now. If it's not to be, then maybe one day i can accept that, but only if we have honestly really tried to do everything possible to get a positive result. I am taking maca, vitamins and co enxyme 10 plus accuputure etc, i would be a lot calmer if i felt the effort was reciprocated even a little. He has said he will be good until after IVF but has a history of lying and i just don't feel he believes in changing his ways, he is just telling me to shut me up. Really confused as i love him and apart from his destructive behaviour we get on great.


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Do you really want a baby with someone like that? Smoking is bad enough round a child but now you say he's starting taking marijuana?? If you want to make it work with him you really need to have a big sit down chat with him. Make sure he's sober and not high so you can have a proper conversation and tell him how you're feeling. Tell him that if he wants a baby with you he seriously needs to change his ways, if he's not willing then you know that he doesn't want this as much as you do. He sounds really unsupportive by what you have said and I know that I would not still be here if it wasn't for the support of my fiancé. I wish you lots of luck and I hope you can sort it out, trust me talking really works  If not try maybe writing all your feelings down in a letter to him.

Carls xx


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## MrsPG (Apr 7, 2012)

I think you have answered your own question tbh. 

It's not any of the smoking or drinking that would bother me but the lack of respect that comes across and the lying you seem to have accepted as the norm. 

If he doesn't want IVF/children enough to make changes to his lifestyle then that is fair enough but you need to have a frank conversation about it. 

 sorry you are having a tough time.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm sorry Milano, he doesn't sound like the man of your dreams and it must be so tough to be away from your loved ones at a time like this.

I'm speaking as a woman who's with the man of her dreams but who is just as unsupportive. Two years on from my DH's vasectomy reversal (children from a previous relationship) and I am waiting for my DH to make a decision about whether he really does want children with me. We have been here many times before, I've given him weeks, 3 months and now he has 2 days to make up his mind once and for all.

All of the warning lights are flashing madly for me but I still want to be with him. I do understand why he feels the way that he does. IVF is massively stressful and many men crumble under the pressure and behave badly.

My DH also has an alcohol problem and smokes. We are dealing with it but only because he finally recognises that he has a major problem. Does your DH? I've been to hell and back on this one but I finally understand that there is nothing that you can do, he is the only one that can sort himself out and until he recognises and understands - not just for IVF but permanently - then it's going to be rough going for you. I really do sympathise.

You do say that he has a history of bad behavior and lying. I'm not at the point of questioning should I stay or go but it sounds as though you are. Take out your heart, what is your gut telling you that you should do? Is he the man that you really want to live the rest of your life with or are you just desperate for a child? I don't mean to sound cruel there, it's just that I have been having to ask myself that same question over and over again.

Trust me, if you are lucky and get pregnant but then don't stay with him then he will always have to be in your life if you have a child together. The ex _never _goes away when children are involved and it will complicates every part of your life and future


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## milano (Sep 2, 2013)

Thanks everyone.

I do feel he is the man for me. This is what my gut says.  He is so supportive in many other ways and totally trustworthy (coming from a bad marriage with a cheater this is important, and no, I am not a victim or a weak person) I honestly think it's because he, as most do in Italy, lived with his mum until he met the right person, in his case this was at 37! So he went from mum to, potential wife in one move! He never got a chance to have his freedom / wild times like everyone in the uk and unfortunately it is manifesting itself in silly juvenile ways. I have had a big talk to him since. He has promised not to do it again until after ivf, he has definitely stopped smoking its just the drinking which can get a bit out of hand. I have spoken to an alcohol support group and it seems that lying is a part of the whole alcoholism thing, so am trying to think of it as part of his problem and not take it too seriously. I should point out, the drinking is almost never obvious to people who don't know him, I suspect he is a functioning alcoholic who just takes the edge of things constantly rather than getting full out wasted. However,  I do understand he is trying. We are potentially going to stop the free treatment in Italy which is below par ( I suspect) and pay for treatment in Greece at serum. I think paying for it might make him take it more seriously. I know he loves me, it's just a stressful time for both. 

It's never easy and us women have to go through so much that we are willing to go that extra mile a bit more often. 

Thanks everyone again, lovely to hear so many opinions and stories.

Lets all hang in there
Xxxx


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Glad to hear you've had a lovely chat and are sorting through things good luck xx


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## acewillows (Aug 30, 2013)

I would be careful about where you stand on this guy. Is it possible that you're so focussed on the IVF that you're willing to overlook certain flaws? It seems like that's far more important to you than him, and that means you're not on the same page. I think that is also something which will even make the the IVF more tricky. Just care of yourself first and foremost.


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