# Giving up...



## jan27 (Aug 19, 2005)

Hi

_I have posted this here as i did'nt think it was appropriate to post it in the accepting and moving on board in view of the fact i have two children already.I did'nt want to rub their nose in it if you know what i mean...._

DH and i made a big decision yesterday. We decided not to have any more fertility treatment. I feel i need to sound off....... 

I have a fluctuating fsh and have failed to respond to treatment on an attempted icsi cycle. Dh has a chromosome problem which has an increased risk of miscarriage and a low risk of Patau syndrome. His problem has caused a very low sperm count. I feel so bitter with the way life has treated us, and angry that my body has done well twice before naturally and now deciding it's done enough on reproduction. I am angry with my ex husband, as i blame my fluctuating fsh on 12 years of stress, emotional and physical abuse after what he has put me through  . I am angry of not being able to do the most natural thing in the world....if i had responded maybe Dh would have at least had a try at icsi and we would be in the 2WW now...

We took out a top up on our mortgage to pay for tx and has left us tight, and after our abandoned cycle reality hit home. After long talks we decided that although we desperately would love a baby of our own, it was such a high gamble and we would be better off investing the money in our current family. (I have 2 children from a previous marriage age 10 and 6). Dh (no children of his own) has always said that a baby would be a bonus and not essential and as long as we have each other it does'nt matter so i know there will be no regrets from him.

It was such a hard decision to make as i desperately wanted to carry our baby and see it grow up. In Wales last weekend after our abandoned cycle i was in a right state. I kept reminiscing about my dd, her first holiday was in Wales....we bought her first pair of shoes in Camarthen..I was sobbing my heart out as i knew there would probably be no chance of experiencing those special 'first' things again. As dh has had no children he will never experience those special memories. Whilst i am writing this tears are flowing fast, although i know this is the right decision..

I love him so much and i know he loves me too and i know that this is the right decision for us. Obviously if i win the lottery i will be back on the fertility rollercoaster! but in the mean time we will leave it to mother nature....

Life goes on and i am going to make the most of it and having lots of fun with the family. You never know mother nature may spring a suprise on us, but if not, we will have each other.

I am starting to feel better already....

Jan


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## Guest (May 21, 2006)

Jan

Hi there sorry you did not have much look with your TX Hun   .

Glad that you and DH have taken the time to talk thing's through and come to this huge decision together.  I can imagine it must have been hard and I commend you for it.

I have a DS from a previous relationship and feel very much the same.  DH and I are not having any TX at the moment as I am waiting for him to do his sample.  But I understand what you mean about your body and how it did it b4 so why cant it do it again.

I blame my ex as I now have blocked tubes (he gave me an infection  ) I also developed PCOS but that was nothing to do with him. 

I wish you every luck in the world and hope that mother nature springs a surprise on you.

Love Charlotte


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi Jan 
I was in a similar position to you hun, a while ago...
I have a son, who turned 14 years in March, and my dh, Andy, has a dd from his previous marriage, who will be 18 at the end of this year., (who he hasn't been allowed to see since 1995...long story but basically acrimonious ex)
Him and his ex had 9 m/c before they finally conceived their dd, due to immune issues etc with his ex, so their dd was a miracle, and much longed for child.
I'd got pg naturally, (not planned) with my ex and, as we all do, thought it would happen more or less straight away when Andy and I decided to try for more children.
We'd discussed from the beginning that we'd love another 2 or 3 children, as we both have large families, and of course having a child together would have been the icing on the cake.
We were under a bit of stress in the beginning as he was still in the army, and away a lot, and he was facing a very tough battle with his wife to get a divorce. They'd been separted over a year when we met and as soon as she found out he'd met me, she started to use their dd as a weapon with which to blackmail him.
We had 5 years of cr*p from her waiting for her to grant his divorce, which took me through many, many emotions and I don't think that helped with our ttc one bit.
We sought help after about 18 months of ttc and were sent away with the unexplained tag, and told to basically go home, and let it happen naturally, as the tests had not shown any reason or explanation as to why we weren't getting pg.
Life was pretty cr*p with stress from his ex and him losing contact with his dd and we were under enormous pressure.
We couldn't afford ivf/icsi, as his ex well and truly fleeced the pants off him in the divorce settlement, and I was angry beyond words that she had denied us the chance to try for any kind of tx.
I got depressed for a while as it had all got on top of me and our relationship was suffering as was my son to be honest. I was so wound up with af arriving each and every month, we just said enough is enough.
I have no real answers on how you learn to cope hun, as despite me being better in public now when I see babies or pg women etc, I do honestly think that I will always have a heavy heart, not to have had the chance to have my wonderful hubby's child.
There are still some days when I could quite happily sit and sob, and I just deal with them as and when they come. As my son is growing up, and pulling away, I get the odd grey days of panic, as I know I am needed slightly less than the year before, and it crucifies me beyond words, I love being a Mum, I'm good at being a Mum, I had so much more to give to more children...but it is not meant to be.
I have been blessed with the most wonderful, gorgeous son I could have ever wished for, and for that I am grateful.
I am also blessed with the most amazing husband who is my best friend, my confidante, and my rock, who has picked me up during some hellish times and made it all better.
Life will get better sweetheart, just take one day at a time 
Am here if ever you need a natter hun  
take care & lotsa love
Gayn
XXXX


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## jan27 (Aug 19, 2005)

Hi

Thanks to you both for your kind words.  It is nice, although unfortunate, to know i am not alone in this situation.

Jan


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

hi Jan
just popping in to see how you are doin hun?
Here for a  if ya need  
Lotsa love
Gayn
X


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## MrsRedcap (Jan 6, 2006)

Jan hunny,

I'm in the same position as well, and my hubby has said all the same things me as your hubby has said to you...if we have a little one it'll be a bonus....I married you for you and not a baby making machine which makes me feel good that he's said that but it also makes me feel useless.

We've said if after two cycles of egg sharing I don't get pregnant..then we stop. I really don't want to but I can't really afford it as I'm a carer at home for my disabled son so don't get much money. I've been saving my pittance of a Carer's allowance to do this.

I don't know why but I'm feeling unoptimistic that this is going to work (stupid I know)...So I'll probably be joining you in giving up and seeing if mother nature will work her magic.

If you need a chat give me a yell!  

Love

Vicki x


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## jan27 (Aug 19, 2005)

Thanks again angel27  and mrsrednap.  Computer had a virus so not been around for a few days

I feel so much better since making the decision to not have treatment.  We have bought a trailer tent with some of the money put by for icsi and have really made use of it with the family.  Dh and i went to the grand prix together for the weekend and it was good to get away on our own.  The cloud has been lifted and the sun is coming out.  I would still love a baby but i am happy to take dh view of it being a bonus, i continue on the vitamins and concentrating on losing weight and fitness.

Hope you are both well, here if you need me

jan


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## Gen (Dec 9, 2004)

Hi Ladies,

Just want to say to all of you how proud you should be for doing the best that you possibly can.  

You haven't given up at all in my eyes, you've gone down a courageous route for the very best reasons with many  along the way. 

I am inspired when I see your posts as I can tell that you're truly learning to move forward the best way that you can.  You should all be really pleased with your effort, for even daring to try at all. I don't know what my future holds but I pray that I'll be able to cope when I reach the end of what my DH and I can bare financially, physically and emotionally.

Big hugs 

      

LOL Gen xOx


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## jan27 (Aug 19, 2005)

Hi

Gen thanks for your big hugs, means a lot. Hope you are ok and wish you well for treatment
Maz - welcome to this thread.  I hope you are ok as can be.  It is a heart wrenching decison and i know if i won the lottery i would get more treatment.  For now, i will just keep going and hope for a miracle.  I know it is possible as i have cuddled the results many times now!  I will strive to keep my family happy and loved as they are the ones that are important.  The family are real to me, and my wishes are dreams which may come true one day....

You know where we are

Jan x


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