# Protecting yourself from ignorant reactions and comments?



## Frinn (Nov 3, 2008)

Hello all you mums and mums-to-be,

I was wondering whether any of you might be able to offer me some advice because I'm feeling a bit low at the moment. I'm 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I'm thrilled and over-the-moon to be having this baby and very happy and secure with the family we're bringing it into.

We've begun telling people that I'm pregnant and all of our friends and family are thrilled and excited for us - and so pleased that it happened on our first IUI. However, people who know us less well - colleagues, acquaintances, friends from the past - seem to have mixed reactions. Most people are happy for us but can't help looking a bit confused and most of them ask 'ummm.... so.... ummm.... how did you, ummm.... you know.... do it?'. On my patient days I think to myself that it's really good that they've asked and that I can therefore explain, thus enlightening another person, but on my tired days I get a bit ****** off with question and just want to ask them if they'd ask a straight woman that? I can't help but think that it doesn't take an awful lot of imagination, surely? But I do realise that some people simply don't have a clue. But the answer is pretty personal - you know? 

Worse than that though, I have had a couple of people react in quite hurtful ways; one person I know from the past asked me had we used a turkey baster (old cliche I know, and a joke that even we joke about sometimes... but coming from someone I don't know that well anymore, it was a bit of a shock) and another person (a porter at work that I usually get on with really well) gave a really cold 'oh, right' reaction and can barely look me in the eye nowadays, let alone engage in the friendly banter that we used to.

I knew before we got pregnant that some people who can just about get their heads around and tolerate our relationship usually, might well become a bit more vocal once we brought children into the equation - people have strong ideas about children and parenting don't they? But I just want to ask them how they would feel if I sat in judgement of their family and parenting skills. The man who made the turkey baster joke had his first child at 19 with his girlfriend of three months and they've gone on to have two more and bring them up in a tiny, squalid council flat with her suffering from severe depression and him suffering from agoraphobia and both of them smoking away like troopers - I can't help but wonder how he would feel if I threw that in his face?

Am I seriously overreacting? Does it get easier? Do people ever layoff on judging your family?

Thanks everyone xxxx


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

oh Frinn

i was really wondering how you were doing!    

i totally relate to how you are feeling in the sense that some days you are happy to explain and some days you just dont have the energy to go into the the whole procedure.  i remember being a bit peed off with a neighbour asking 'who the father was' and i told him there isnt a father we used a sperm donor ... which is what he meant but he didnt have the right vocabularly. he didnt mean to offend me, but on that day he did.

i think parents are always judged ... all parents no matter if theyre straight or gay.  although obviously there is some real social and legal discrimination that has gone on historically and still goes on to this with the gay community.  (i watched MILK last night ... what an amazing film, and it really goes to show how things have moved on and how some very brave individuals really have risked their lives for the LGB movement).

at the moment your hormones are going to be ALL over the place, i was really grumpy in the first trimester and had little patience which gabs luckily found amusing.  it might not seem so bad when the hormones pass ....

so i think in that sense its going to get easier.

youre not over reacting ... its really disapointing when people you thought you had a friendship with judge you or drop you ... especially over something so beautiful as you having a baby.

i think its pretty normal for people to have questions about how we have concieved .... i guess if youre a more private person then its harder to disclose personal information about yourself like that.

my aunty also brought me and gabs a turkey baster for a pressie one year ... something she thought was HILARIOUS!  i wasnt so sure! 

anyway im rambling.

sending BIGGEST hugs to you.

hope your mum is ok.

love ax


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## Guest (Apr 22, 2009)

Hi Frinn,

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy, hope you're feeling ok. 
I have always had the attitude that if anyone has a problem with me or my lifestyle then it is their issue. On a day to day basis it never crosses my mind that I have a son and I live with another woman but occassionally I have to think about it a bit more like when I changed jobs last year. I tend to be selective about the information I give to certain people. All our friends and collegues know everything about who I am with and how our son was made and I find my honesty makes them more comfortable to ask questions and I don't mind that at all. I think if people see you squirm when you talk about something it makes it easier for them to be more prejudiced against you. For others, like my hairdresser for example,I can't be bothered to even start the conversation and I just talk about my partner. As a nurse aswell I always have a 'husband' when talking to my patients as it is not really any of their business and I don't want people from the older generation to feel uncomfortable when I am caring for them. You have to remember aswell how difficult it will be for your partner. I know my partner found it hard when DS was born and I would sometimes go into her work when I was on mat leave and people who didn't know her very well would ask who DS was and of course be very confused when she said he was her son as they had never seen her pregnant. Once your LO gas been born, peoples' attitudes towards you will not be an issue anyway as you will be so much more concerned about anyone making your LO feel any different to any other child. DP's parents are irish and have found it very hard to come to terms with us having a baby, especially with me carrying him and not her. We have a big irish family wedding next year and so many of the guests don't even know that I exist let alone DS and hopefully if this IVF works we will have another LO too. God what a day that will be, I'll just have to get ******! 
families are all so different these days and you are doing the most amazing thing in the world so hold your head up high and just enjoy being part of a loving family xx


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

i don't really have any helpful advice about protecting yourself. i never really talked about my homelife at work, only my immediate team knew the set up, so when i became pregnant, there wasn't a lot of chat. i can definitely echo what moo said about it mattering less when LO has arrived. at the moment it's all about you. later on it comes from a different direction; when there's an ACTUAL child people seem to be much kinder, more sensitive. at least that's been my experience. and, if there are any horrid reactions then your reaction to them is different because you are the mother tiger and that makes it all so much easier to cope with. you don't need protection because you are fierce (even if you're not normally - i am a mouse).

my sister married a man who's family are awful baptists. really homophobic. they were quite vile to DP at the wedding and reacted with amazement that she was allowed to stay in my mum's house with me (rather than a b&b i guess). we didn't have any children at that point but had been together for 8 years. anyway, although we don't have anything to do with that family (only things to do with my niece), my mum is very friendly with his mum and talks to her about us etc. she says that they have definitely mellowed. the best way to change people's opinions is to live well and right. people can see we're a family and that we're no different and they'll see that in you too. much easier to see when the baby's born.

so, cheer up! you're about the enter the best bit of a pregnancy! enjoy your second trimester


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

its so true second tri should be wonderful Frinn!


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## Frinn (Nov 3, 2008)

Oh thank you so much everyone, that has really helped.

Aimee - _'its really disappointing when people you thought you had a friendship with judge you or drop you ... especially over something so beautiful as you having a baby'_... that's so true! It just feels so sad that they can't just feel happy and excited for you - it's such an exciting time and a having a baby is such a beautiful experience. But you're right, my hormones are all over the place - I cry at the drop of a hat at the moment! I burst into tears on a plane the other day (we were flying to Scotland) because the ice in my stupid little plastic cup slid out onto the floor!!! And thanks for asking after my mum - it's a really sad situation which I won't go into now, but suffice to say, she's really unwell 

Moo - _'families are all so different these days and you are doing the most amazing thing in the world so hold your head up high and just enjoy being part of a loving family' _... thank you so much for this advice! That's how I usually feel but I feel a bit trodden into the ground this week, so thank you for the reminder! And I really hope the family wedding next year goes okay - what a difficult situation to be in - I hope when they realise that you do exist and so do your children that they treat you like a long lost relative!

Rosypie - _'later on it comes from a different direction; when there's an ACTUAL child people seem to be much kinder, more sensitive. at least that's been my experience. and, if there are any horrid reactions then your reaction to them is different because you are the mother tiger and that makes it all so much easier to cope with. you don't need protection because you are fierce (even if you're not normally - i am a mouse).'_ I love this, thank you!! What a wonderful way of describing it! And it's good to be reassured that things do change once the baby is here and that my natural instinct to protect will kick in!

I'm so excited about the second trimester! I have my booking-in appointment with my midwife this afternoon (finally) and then hopefully my 12 week scan sometime soon (which will be late as I am 13 weeks tomorrow). I feel confident that things are progressing well though... this hard tummy of mine is definitely not a cake tummy - cake tummies are soft, not hard like this!! Hee hee 

Thank you all again


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Hi Frinn,

No advise sorry, but I just wanted to say I'm so pleased to hear the pregnancy is going well!

Love S x


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## sallylouise (Jan 30, 2009)

Frinn, sorry to hear you've been feeling a bit down   It sounds to me that you have got so much going on at the moment, you need positive people in your life and not those idiots who are going to judge you and bring you down.  I think everyone else has given excellent advice so I won't repeat but good luck with your scan. How exciting!

Sally. x


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## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

Hi guys, we haven't been around for a while but the baby-train has started moving again  

I spend a lot of time explaining how we are going to have a baby to extended colleagues etc who all seem to think they have a right to ask questions they wouldn't dream of asking a straight person!! And my colleagues are midwives!! If they don't know the different ways babies are made who does!  

We have also decided to bring our civil partnership forward to June - we are having a very intimate ceremony with our two closest friends so not many plans to change - and I asked my parents if they wanted to come and they said no   They accept Amber as my partner and actually get on with her quite well but can't support the relationship to that extent... 

I don't know what will happen when amber gets pregnant.

I was really upset but after having time to get my head around them not being there I have realised that the day will be all the more special with knowing only those who are behind our lives and our little family will be there!


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

Hi PinkTink, sorry to hear that your parents can't feel fully supportive of your CP, but if that's the case currently, then as you say, it's far better to have a really happy day with the people who are completely behind you.
And things may well change over time, particularly once a baby is on the scene.
My wife's father is a homophobic old git (not to mince words!), and absolutely refused to acknowledge any kind of family relationship with our prospective baby while I was pregnant, or indeed in the first few months. However, Toby has completely won him over now and he's become Grandad Ted. It's truly lovely to see them together (even if we do have to grit our teeth and refrain from throwing him out of the house every time he comes to visit!). Babies are miracles in so many ways


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

pink tink - im really sorry to hear about your parents reaction to the cp ... must be really tough, and really hope that like nismat's FIL they come round with the baby.


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## Steph29 (Apr 28, 2009)

Hi Pink Tink,

Sorry to hear about your family not supporting you in your CP. I went through something similar myself with my family. DP'S family was great but my family found it hard to except Nearly seven years later we have got to a point were they are comfortable with it, although we were worried about telling them about starting TX but surprisingly they all were really happy and exited when we told them. I think when there is a baby involved people come round and are supportive for the baby.

I hope your family can do the same and support you in what ever you decide to do.

Steph X


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