# Nursery



## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Hi

My 19 month old son is doing his settling in sessions at nursery this week and it's breaking my heart!!! He's only going to go 2 days a week but I can't help thinking that it is going to undo all the good attachment work we've done over the last 8 months!
My DH is adamant that it will be good for him and I agree on some levels but seeing him running to me crying "mummy mummy" as I left this morning just broke my heart! Counting the minutes til I can pick him up again!

What do you guys think? Good or bad?

Thanks


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I would say do what feels comfortable with you.  We had to do a very long settling in period and lil man got hysterically if I tried to leave. We ended up changing to daddy trying to leave and whilst upset, he got better and accepted it and mummy picks up (2 mornings only). Friends of mine had LOs go through similar as did I - my mum says she drive to work balling her eyes out 2days a week.

Do you need your Lo to go to nursery or can you do without with GPs etc/reduced or delayed return to work.

I really worried over the bond part but I think as we kept things very routine and not leaving him too long and got the nursery on board then it's worked so far. When I pick him up, I get the hugest smile and he runs towards me BUT he's happy to go back and play whilst I get his things so I know he's not desperate to leave. He now waves and shouts bye daddy and totters in happily (he's being going since Jan but settling since Oct).

I actually think it's helped in that he knows mummy and daddy always ensure he is safe and always come back. We also have our afternoons together and he needs this as he can fight me a little after nursery for his care (just his head adjusting to it not always being me yo change him etc).

Just remember mummy knows best but like all parents you may need to give it some time to adjust.

Hope this helps x


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Thanks Gertie

I'm going back to work and we have no relatives nearby so it's nursery or I give up work. My DH wants me to go back full time and I want to be a SAHM so 2 days a week is our compromise. My boss says she'll only let me do 2 days if they are 10 hours each so LO will be in nursery from 8-6 both days. DH can't pick him up as he works out of town and doesn't get home til after 6. 
He did 4 hours today over lunch and nap time. He ate well and slept for an hour. The staff said he only cried for me a little bit and was easily distracted. He gave me a huge grin when I picked him up and we had a very quiet afternoon at home reading books and snuggling. 
I think he will probably settle well but I do worry about him being there for such long days even though it's only 2 per week! 
I'm doing a 6 week transition for him before I go back to work
Week 1: 8-2
Week2: 8-3
Week 3: 8-4
Week 4: 8-5
Week 5/6 : 8-6

Do you think that's a good idea or is it best to go straight to 8-6 to reduce confusion?

Still worried about the bond but as you said it may be good for him to see that I always come back!

Thanks


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

We built up in similar fashion. I'd definetly go with what you are feeling. If you or he doesn't settle then you could always give up then. 

Remember you can get 16 weeks unpaid leave if you need to for a child under 5yrs. My policy lets me use it in one lump at end of my leave so that may be an option for you too if you just decide it's too soon for you.

My nursery will phone me ASAP if LO struggling in any way and that's been tested so I have comfort in this approach. 
Good luck - this parenting lark isn't easy when it comes to making decisions for them x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Big hugs, it's really hard, especially when you feel like you have no choices.  Honestly, though, Bug going to nursery was the last piece of the puzzle falling into place in terms of his sense of security and attachment with us.  We'd bonded really well, and we all knew we loved each other, but staying somewhere else, seeing us go away, and ALWAYS come back was the last little bit of security he needed to work out.  Once he got that, he came forward in leaps and bounds.


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## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

As a child carer of twenty odd years I'm gonna say your doing the right thing building it up slowly.
19 months is a very hard age to settle a child into childcare, be it a adopted or non adopted child.
Make sure he has a comfort item with him and express to nursery he must have access to it at all times for reassurance. Most nurseries would naturally want it to be put into a bag ASAP but children do settle better if they are allowed them.
Make drop off as brief as you can and the journey and walk into nursery positive, lots of what a wonderful day you will have etc.
It's also easier if they walk into childcare and not be held as it's easier to let go of a hand and walk away than be put down.
He will be fine x x x
Also ask them go be extremely honest about tears etc, nurseries will always say they only cried a few times or cried for a few min on drop off. This isn't true on most occasions and he might cry for periods of upto half an hour, and if you want to know this then ask them to be truthful.


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

If struggling with nursery have you thought about childminder instead? 19-months is a difficult time to settle at nursery and a good childminder might be better able to meet your child's emotional needs

I'm also having to go back to work part time in the next few months (probably 3 days), although my AS will be 3 by then - and I'm trying to decide whether a 9-5 day in nursery will be too much and I would be better having half days and then childminder


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

It's a good point about comfort items.  When Bug was having an unsettled patch at childminder (and he was borderline bullying another child, his unsettled behaviour tends to be aggressive and attention seeking in that way) we encouraged her to make his blankie available more often.  They tend to think of it as a way to comfort a tearful child, but we reminded her that it can be a really effective way to help him regulate himself and calm down.  It really worked a treat.

Nursery certainly seem to view it as a negative thing.  It's kept in his bag, outside the room, and although he can ask for it and they'll happily provide it, they tend to view it as a positive thing if he hasn't had it, whereas for me that's a warning sign.


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

I would say if you want to be a SAHM and you can afford to be then why not??

I was intending on going back to work 2 days a week after ds but I just couldn't leave him    He was fine being left, easily distracted etc but like you, I worried about undoing all we had done.  I know that in the long run he would have been fine, but right then, at that moment I did not want to leave him, with anyone. 

It was a huge step to decide to give up my career, but my son was worth much more to me than any wage.

Being a SAHM is the best job in the world, I now have 2 children and have not worked for 6 years.  I see friends worrying about child minders, nurseries, holiday cover, distressed mums when they can't get back quick enough to collect their sick child from school etc and I thank god that I am fortunate enough not to work.  
Don't get me wrong I would love the extra income, we live on a strict budget but my time at the moment is with my children, not my career. 

So, apply a bit more pressure to that DH   

xx

Ps - We are all different, these are just my views, I appreciate some women feel the need to go back to work, but I just wanted to add another angle


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Thanks for all your comments.
We did another 4 hour session yesterday which I feel much better about. I let him walk in and he immediately ran over to the toys and started playing with a fire engine. I said goodbye and that I would see him later, but he didn't look up so I just left. The staff said he cried a bit shortly afterwards when he realised I had gone but was fine after a cuddle. He ate all his lunch, played on the slide and slept for an hour. When I went to pick him up he was still asleep so I hung back and let the staff tend to him when he woke up. He didn't cry or call out for me, just went off to play again. He eventually saw me and gave me a big grin, said "mummy" and brought a book over to me to read. Not the big leaping into my arms I was hoping for but he's not generally a demonstrative child anyway.

So I think he will be just fine. He has his "blan blan" with him that the staff say they gave him when he was upset and for sleeping with. I will ask them to be truthful about how often and how long he cries for.

I've made up a song about how much fun he'll have at nursery without mummy and how I'll pick him up later. I sing it on the way to nursery.

Last week I made a bigger deal about saying goodbye and made sure he realised I was leaving. This resulted in him running after me and crying. This time I said goodbye but he didn't notice and he cried after I'd gone. Do you think I should always make sure he knows I'm going? Or should I just hope he hears me saying goodbye and will eventually realise that Mummy doesn't stay at nursery? 

Thanks xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Purple,

Our nursery always say "see you later" with all the kids as they found some reacted to this more. DH says daddy away to work see you later and makes sure little man says daddy work. But we had early feedback from SWs and others as FC used to sneak away when they had regular babysitters etc and LO had big meltdowns. Consensus seems to be to ensure they know you are away but don't make a huge deal about it.

HTH x


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Thanks Gertie
The problem is that in order to get his attention away from the toy he's playing with means I end up making a big deal over saying goodbye. If I pick him up he squirms to get down and I know he isn't paying any attention to what I'm saying. The first time I left him me and 2 of the staff had to call his name repeatedly to get him to see me saying "see you later" and leaving. I'm sure they thought I was a complete idiot! That's why I didn't make such a big deal out of it this time. I told him repeatedly before we went in that I wouldn't be able to stay and would see him later so maybe that will be enough and he doesn't have to physically see me walk away?
Thanks


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

When my lo started nursery, I give her kiss and cuddle and say "mummy's going now, mummy pick you up later" to which she would reply " mummy pick me up after work" to which I just say yes and leave. I don't work, but do as much housework as I can in 2.5 hrs!!
But it is quite normal for lo's to cry when mummy leaves and they soon stop. My lo was fine for the first 4 weeks or so and I really thought she didn't give a dam. But when she did start crying and the fact she is adopted the leading nursery teacher said she was glad she started to cry as it showed she was starting to show attachment and in her view that is how all children react for at least the first and some times the second term. She goes happily and is going 5 mornings a week now. The only time she may be a bit tearful is after contact with her sisters.

It sound like he seems a little happier now and would just say "I'm going now and mummy will see you/pick you up later, give him a kiss and go.

That is my experience anyway and all children react differently.

Skyblu.xxxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

he may be consciously choosing not to say goodbye   if it makes him  feel sad/stressed perhaps its easier for him not to join in the goodbye scenario..but then he wishes he had and gets distressed...
if you want to make sure he clocks properly that you are leaving could you have an object (like your keys, or something you will 'need'..scarf/hat?) that he has to give you at the time of you leaving..let him hold them for you each time as you approach the door and when you ask him for them back then that is the 'cue' for him that you are going and you say goodbye then. that way he can't 'pretend' you arent leaving. 


kj x


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Thanks everyone
Well he's finally cottoned on to the fact that I don't stay with him at nursery. It was his 5th day today and he started crying and clinging to me when we entered the building. Lots of tears but I said a quick goodbye and handed him over to his key worker. I hung around for a bit and he stopped crying after about 30secs. I'm taking this as a positive sign that he is securely attached to me...even though it's upsetting, but at least he now knows that nursery is a mummy free zone. Just hoping it doesn't take too much longer for him to realise that I will always come back

Thanks again xx


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