# getting back on the nasty train...



## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Ok so here it is. We want another baby. Simple in theory 

Trouble is I'm petrified it won't work, terrified i'll start knicker watching again, and a gibbering wreck incase it actually happens. I had a horrid pregnancy and with the history from my previous pregnancy and my continuing back problems have been advised that I will be in pain and incapacitated again. Sounds like fun don't it!

But my biggest fear is of doing IVF again. It sounds strange considering our one attempt had the best possible outcome (for our 1 embryo!) but I am petrified that it won't work as we now have an 'expectation' of IVF  

Am I alone in feeling like this or (as I suspect) I'm just destined for the nut house?

Deb

p.s. AF arrived on saturday so I know that the last two attempts au natural haven't worked


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## Edna (Mar 19, 2005)

Hi Deb,

Me too!!! In fact I think a lot of us here share your feelings and I know at times I feel like I belong in the nut house.

If anything I'm finding it harder this time around as I want a baby so Evelyn can have a sibling as well as for myself and DH.

I really understand what you are saying about and "expectation" of txt working. We were very lucky in that our first IVF attempt worked and so I found our failed goes in the summer really hard. 

You do get through it though and I know that the support of my lovely FF buddies has been invaluable...

lol


Edna


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## KW33 (Apr 10, 2006)

Hi Deb,

I think I second what Edna says... we all are so scared of starting this whole thing again.  It's so hard as we all want another child but are so grateful for the beautiful little ones we have.  Everyone here is wonderful and so supportive, so you wont be alone in the "nuthouse"!!!  

Take care and hugs for Amy!!!!

Karin

xxx


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

I'm with you too hun....
xxxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Thanks all - glad (if you know what I mean  ) that its not just me who feels this way 

ahhhh if only it were simple.....


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## PaulaB (Jun 22, 2007)

Hi 
I too feel the nuthouse beckoning at times! Its so hard when its secondary infertility because people write it off saying you should be happy with the child you have. But the longing is so strong and i love being a mum. I want to do it again !!!!! P x


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## ♡ C ♡ (Dec 7, 2005)

I'm in the nut house too. Tried to not thing about TTC again for a few months but that hasn't worked at all so now admitting that to myself and monitering my cycles again.
Even after the miricles we have everytime AF arrives it doesn't get any easier at all, in fact I don't know if I'm the only one but I in a way find it harder knowing that I can get pregnant now as I've done it once before


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Yep - I agree. I found it frustrating that I got pg with Charlie in less than a year, then couldn't get pg again  I just wish I could turn off the knickerwatching gene in me


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## JaneNewcastle (Jun 17, 2005)

Come on over to Broodies, there are more than you'd think feeling like this



Jane
xx


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## NickyH (Jan 10, 2006)

Hi Deb, I could have written your post myself today. We really really would like another child  if at all possible but I am so dreading starting IVF again  in case it doesn't work. Last time we were so lucky that I don't think I would deal with  failed cycles at all well this time around. Plus the clinic weren't that encouraging about my chances again. 

I keep trying to be positive, and indeed we are so lucky already with our lovely daughter that it seems almost greedy to want another child so much. 

So no, you aren't the only one feeling like this.


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## Fluffs (Aug 31, 2004)

Debs, you're definitely not alone    I am sure it is harder the second time around as you know it CAN work....  I think we all feel the same  

Best of luck to everyone  

Fluffs xxx


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

Fluffs said:


> I am sure it is harder the second time around as you know it CAN work


i think that has to be the hardest thing EVER to try and understand when ttc your first. I know I thought that if I could just have one child I'd be happy, yet there I was with J being a few months old, absolutely desperate like you wouldn't believe for another. I was shocked that not only did all the old feelings return, but how quickly it happened.

What I found was that the first child was about me and dh (in that we wanted a baby) whereas the second is about giving your first a sibling, and that for me was harder. Knowing it COULD happen and HAD happened, yet panicking it wouldn't happen again was so hard.

Good luck and lots of babydust to you all,

Chux xx


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## JaneNewcastle (Jun 17, 2005)

Chux

I could not agree with you more.  I think that's why I found my recent loss so much harder too.

It also brings with it the added feeling of guilt when talking to those still TTC the first little one.  I know that they are bound to be thinking 'well be grateful you have one'.  And we are.  But it doesn't stop us yearning for something else.

I think it's only because we understand the pain of TTC that we go through this heartache.  Those who had no problems with their first, have no such painful journey on the way to their second.

Without FF, I think we would all feel like bad people.

It's just another of the long list of reasons that I'm so glad to have found this place.

Jane
xx


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## Marielou (Oct 18, 2003)

I totally 100% agree.  I know for a fact, if I was reading this TTC#1 I would be angry, thinking of how lucky we all are (which we are) but I never understood how keenly that urge for a 2nd (or 3rd/4th!) would hit me, despite all my 'I'll be happy with the 1' talk.  I've always wanted a large family, 3 or 4 children and I think its an ongoing grieving process to come to terms with the fact I just won't ever have those children.  Realisticly, I'd need to have twins or triplets next time round - twins maybe, but triplets?!    And, the grieving includes the fact that I just won't concieve naturally, it just won't happen.    I'm terrified, terrified of having IVF again, of going through all that pain again, last time it took us 3 attempts plus several IUI's and we just don't have the money this time around.      I'm scared of having a BFN and having to cope with it as well as be strong and look after my son, and I'm scared of it working and me bleeding as much as I did last time.    
I'd love for it to happen, I'm aching for it to happen ... and I honestly didn't expect it to hurt this much this time around.  I keep reading negative things about being an only child and it hurts to think Ethan might grow up asking where his brother/sister is?

Marie xxx


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## ♡ C ♡ (Dec 7, 2005)

I am extremely greatful to have Isabel which I know we all are for the child/ren we have and I have to agree with Chux I was so so surprised how soon the want for another child returned, I do wonder if it is due to knowing how hard it will be to have another, I'm already getting to the jelousy stage of seeing people finding out they have easily got pregnant with a 2nd and I feel so so bad for it as I know we have all been thru the same heartache again.  
I don't want Isabel to be an only child but can't afford TX so it is going to have to happen natuallry or with a little helping hand Clomid or what have you, but if she is an only child I think that will be more some for me to deal with the fact I won't be pregnant again rather than a problem of being an only child as I am one and don't feel it is negative.
I'm glad this thread and board are here for us to talk so openly how we feel about having another child, but I also wonder how someone TTC#1 and accednelty came here would think of us all, and how we should be so happy


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## Maarias (May 4, 2005)

Deb
You are definitely not alone - I'm on my 2ww after our first attempt at ttc for no. 2 - I am terrified. Like you it worked first time for us, but I'm now two years older...

Marie - like you I had such a lot of bleeding early on and later in pregnancy and I'm sooo scared of going through that again, and this time with a little one to look after. I'm jst really struggling with it all...after ET I know I should be taking it easy but it's quite hard to do that with a LO to chase after, and I feel like I should be a good mummy to him at least, but at the end of the day, we are doing this because we want him to have a sibling... 

I'll be honest: I've found it very very hard reading about natural bfps on this site after tx first time: that isn't going to happen to me,...and unfortunately all this c...p we're going through right now is the only way I'm going to conceive again  

That's what it so lovely to speak to other ladies on HFAM: a guilt free zone


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## JaneNewcastle (Jun 17, 2005)

It's funny how even though we understand that others on this site have gone through the pain of IF, and TTC, we can still feel jealous of the lucky ones with two, three of more children, however they were concieved.  I myself was lucky enough to have a natural BFP after my HSG.

I know for sure that there will be many girls jealous of us already having one.  That doesn't mean they aren't happy for us, or share our joy in our little ones.  It just means we have something they desperately want.

It's for this reason that I believe we feel guilty for still having the longing.  After my ectopic and losing the tube I can't tell you how many people said to me "well at least you've got Marcus".  I know they meant well, and they are right, at least I have got Marcus, but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person for wanting more.

Hugs to us all
Jane
xx


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## PaulaB (Jun 22, 2007)

I think its so hard when the child you have starts asking if they can have a brother or sister. My DD said I should ask santa for a baby because i am a really good mummy and he will know that. Bless. I was looking at the thread for those without kids at christmas and it was heartbreaking. It made me want to hold my daughter so tightly. We are so lucky but have all been through the pain first time round and here we are again. Its different for me this time as its a sibling as well as a child for me. I actually think its harder second time round. Hope we all get our second next year. P xxxx


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## jane70 (Apr 17, 2006)

Hi All
Can I join you? Im so so grateful for my DS. He has taken away that awful childless feeling, and that can never come back! He's lovely and has given us so much pleasure. My parents think he's wonderful and he makes them so happy too!
However............ I so want another one, for him as much as for us. Of course peolpe have started asking when were having number two and I have to keep thinking of what to say. I usually tell them that it wasn't that easy to have the first one so it's unlikely. Then they tell me how much easier it is the second time!! How annoying, it's impossilbe for us to have a baby naturally. A few people have even asked me if I'm pregnant (i didnt think
I was doing too badly shedding the weight!!). I got really annoyed the last time someone at work asked me and pointed out to her that the only poeple that had asked me were fatter than me!! That didnt go down well.
I so want to try again but just don't know where to get the money from - were still paying for the first treatment!
Heres hoping we all have no 2 somehow.........
Jx


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Hi

There is a broodies thread if anyone is interested in joining... http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=111888.0

Hope to see you over there!!

Bev xx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Thank you ladies. Like when I was ttc originally its good to know that what I am feeling is 'normal' (whatever that is). 

A slightly different question but did anyone have such a rough time when pg/giving birth that they are physically repulsed by the thought of being pregnant again? 
Because I know we will have a high risk pregnancy (if I get pg!) and I know that my back will go again I'm worried about coping emotionally. I guess as well its the thought that I can't be quite as selfish about being pregnant. Last time I was able to forget everything and everyone else and just do what I needed to do. Obviously this time I would have to look after Amy and I'm not sure that I would be strong enought physically or emotionally to do it...... I guess the only way is to try it and see what happens


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## KW33 (Apr 10, 2006)

Deb,

I didn't suffer quite like you did but certainly NEVER bloomed and suffered terribly with severe nausea and sickness most of the time.  I really worry about being able to look after Emma properly if feeling that bad again as I remember thinking that there must be something else seriously wrong with me as I felt so awful.    Just don't know hwo I'd cope with that again but as you say only one way to find out and I'm clinging to the fact that everyone says each pregnany is different!!! Ignorance is bliss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Karin

xxx


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## ready4Family (May 14, 2004)

I'm with all of you, so Deb, you are not alone.  The longing for another child is so strong.  I was an only child myself and thus, really want Evan to experience being an older brother with someone who looks up to him.  And just having another child to interact with and have that special bond when they grow up.  Evan was our first ivf attempt (after many failed IUIs) and this time around we've had 4 BFNs so it's been really hard...even harder than the first time around as with our failed IUIs, we knew there was IVF.  So there's nothing above IVF now.  It definitely is scary and getting back on that rollercoaster isn't easy. Plus it poses challenges second time around as you have a little one to look after.  I can't stand comments like "well be grateful you have one".   I will forever be grateful for Evan, but it doesn't stop the longing for another and the pain when it doesn't happen.  I'm sorry you had such a hard pregnancy.  I really hope that you get your dreams easily and you have an easier pregnancy.  I have back problems so really sympathize (although my back actually got better in preganncy..never understood that)


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## lotsky (Sep 29, 2006)

charlies-mum
I feel exactly the same as you- I really really want more children, and Im so grateful for my DD who means the world to me, but still only 3 months on after the birth I know I want more asap.
Is it normal that I still get jelaous when people announce a pregnancy?( except ladies on FF of course ) I should be over all that but Im not. 
Also I relate to you about pregnancy. Honestly I hated being pregnant. I just wanted the child within, and I put up with pregnancy as I wanted her so badly. She is my life. I had a horrific birth too- a failed epidural and forced to give birth with the thing in my back and felt everything. I was induced and as I had an epidural they cranked up the induction to the max then realised the epidural had failed when it was all too late, so I went from 0 cm to 10 in less than 3 hours which was very painful. My back also throughout the pregnancy was horrific, by 20 weeks I could barely walk 10 minutes and that was it for the week. But, you know I can see myself going for IVF asap because I so want more children. I see them as the special things they are and not as something thats a god given right, so I WILL spend all my fertile days trying because I wont be able to stop myself. I cant help it now. Its like Im on this train till someone physically pushes me off. 

I know it sounds abit dramatic what I write but its how I am and I see myself in all of these posts 
x Lotsky


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## chillidog (Apr 18, 2006)

Hi Charlies-Mum,

I'm lucky I guess because although i'd love another baby right now, we are in no position to do so, so I've got a couple of years before I can get on that train again which I'm so excited about but dreading at the same time for all the reasons you've said.  Its like having a little cloud hanging....  Also how many years might it take?  L took 3 1/2 years to conceive so am I looking at the same or will Clomid work for me immediately again - I have the same high expectation of it you have with IVF.

As I saw you in PG I know exactly what you mean with your back - is there anything that you can do now to prepare yourself? Any physio that might help at all? I had a rough birth and I'm terrified of tearing again as it was already 3rd/4th degree but I want to have a natural birth again, I really want to try to have a good birth experience.

If I didn't have my son and I was reading this I wouldn't think badly of anyone, we are all yearning to be mothers -that's why we're on here and you have a right to want more than one child - most of us grew up with brothers and/or sisters so I think we can all agree with that.  That's just my opinion though but honestly I believe everyone has a right to be supported through whatever they are experiencing.  When I was TTC I would be looking for that same glimmer of hope in stories no matter if they had a child previously, I was just looking for enough similarity in experiences to make me believe I could get my BFP.

Good luck and babydust to all (except me  !)


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