# Choosing donor sperm...



## Shellem (Oct 1, 2013)

Hi everyone,

I'm single and about to embark on fertility treatment using donor sperm -and I'm hoping that someone on here could offer me some advice with the thorny, difficult issue of choosing the right donor sperm... 

My starting point is to try and consider things from my potential child's POV.  I've got a choice of going to a UK clinic or a US one and my biggest dilemmas are whether it's preferrable to have a photo (US) or whether geographical proximity is more important (UK)?  Or if it's important to choose a UK clinic that will limit the potential number of donor siblings?

I know that every donor conceived child will have a different perspective, but I'd love to hear any suggestions.

Thanks so much,
Shellem


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## Helena123 (Jun 11, 2011)

That's a difficult one and I can see why you're struggling!

I had open donor DIUI at a clinic in Denmark and was able to see a couple of baby photos, a questionnaire and a personality profile. They have got limits over there - I think it was 25 or maybe less. What are the limits in the US or are there none?

Is it possible that you could import the sperm from say Denmark and use at the UK clinic?


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## Annaleah (May 14, 2008)

Hi Shellem and welcome!  

There are ladies on here with far more experience than me of sourcing and selecting donor sperm, but I just wanted to pop in to say hello and share my thoughts.  I'm sure once the Christmas festivities are over, they'll be along...the board is very quite atm.

With my first clinic, I chose them specifically because they had their own bank, locally sourced and some of it was from families presenting for tx with no male factor issues (for which I think they received a reduction on cycle costs for their donation).  For me, this meant that the donor was likely to be local or UK based, have English as a first or relatively fluent language, experience of UK culture and social mores of the time (may sound odd but I remember this being my thinking at the time - 2007/, and potentially have experience of their own fertility journey and hopefully (she says!!) put some thought into donating and being contacted in the future.  I discussed this with the consultant and with the counsellor at the time.  Fast forward a couple of years post second FET during my consultation when I asked about pg/ live birth rates of the donor, only to be told he was Danish!!  He had been sourced from a Danish bank back in the days when they were building their 'stocks'!!!!  Had I had any successful ongoing pregnancies, this would have come as quite a shock to me some years later.  I guess when I discussed my initial wishes with the consultant he hadn't warned me of this and when I made my donor choice with the lab team they weren't aware of my conversation with the consultant.  

I think it is really hard to consider something from a potential child's point of view since the only frame of reference you have is your own (framed by both your experience and the current social climate).  The talks I have seen online given by donor conceived children have shown different views, perhaps not all of which their parents could have predicted, and there is now at least one research group looking at experiences of donor conceived adults (maybe very different to experiences of those growing up in 15-20 years time).  I think going with what you're comfortable with in terms of availability, proximity, background information (family history, baby photo, letter from donor) will allow you in future to support your child to understand the rationale behind your choices.  Really hard to fast forward into an unknown future to work out what you and another might be comfortable with.  For me proximity was important, more so than a photo, but I did struggle with the lack of information available on UK donors.  I'd rather know about personality, temperament, life choices, family ... hair/ eye colour is less important to me.  I also planned for a UK donor with the idea that registries, traceability of siblings would be easier ...but I am not sure if this is true or just my assumption. 

Wish you well in your donor decisions and treatment, A x


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## Shellem (Oct 1, 2013)

Thankyou for your replies, they're really helpful.  

Helena, do you ever wish that you had a photo, or have the baby photos been sufficient? Or is this not even a consideration? I believe the limit in the UK is 10 families.  For the US clinic I'm using (Xytex) it's a lot more, 50 I think, but they limit the number going to the UK to 10 families. 

I was actually really shocked about that amount and it has really put me off going to the US -but, I really want a photo.  Not for me, but because I'm thinking it'd be important for the child.  

But, Annaleah, I do totally see your point that what I think is important now, might not be to the child in the future.  Dying to hear from DC children/parent's of, to see what they think, but not had much luck so far.  Did you see a baby photo?  And, is the information about live pregnancies supplied as part of the paid for, enhanced information?

x


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## ElsieMay (Mar 17, 2007)

Hi Shellem

My daughter is 5 now and I used sperm from Xytex.  Basically in 2007/2008 there was no availability in the UK.  I have photo of him aged about 3 and a long letter/story.  It is wonderful to show my daughter something tangible she can identify with, she looks like him and very much has his personality - which is why I chose him!  I chose a donor in his early 30s so he had thought about contact in a mature way.  I also chose a doctor as I figured he may be easier to find.  My fear is my daughter on contacting him (assuming she wants to) may have a desire to live in the USA which for me is the conly disadvantage.

Hope this helps

EM


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Shellem, my nearly 8 year old has asked if we have a photo of his donor (we don't) but he was more concerned that the donor could never see a photo of my son!  This could well change going forward as my boy (and two daughters) grow older.  For now, it is not of concern to any of them.  To be honest, rather than a photo, I would have preferred that my kids had access to a full medical history (also unavailable).  Also, concerning the limit on the number of families which can be created with the help of any one donor in the UK, I don't think it really comes home about how many half siblings there could be out there until you find out the actual number (in our case, through the HFEA register) - it is quite sobering when you are facing the actuality, and it's something I've yet to broach with my eldest.  Outside the UK, there are often no restriction on the number of families, and I personally would feel very uncomfortable about this.  With respect to how DC kids feel about things, there are quite a few resources to look at on the donor conception network website which might be useful to you.  


Hope some of this helps.



A-Mx


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## natclare (May 27, 2011)

Hello there. I used Xytex basically because I felt I needed lots and lots of information. As such, I have adult photo (actually that was more important to me), child photo, full medical history and an essay. The only thing I don't have is the voice message they sometimes provide as he didn't do one. I know that were I donor conceived I'd want, in an ideal world, to know as much as possible. I try not to concern myself with the number of families he can help but also think positively of half siblings especially for an only child. What was more important was that he had already helped families successfully. Regarding geography, in 20 years I am certain travel will be easier and cheaper and the possibility of communication and or meeting of donor and half siblings would be straightforward. My Xytex donor can only help up to 10 UK families and they could be anywhere. Possibly irrationally but this was a concern of using the London Sperm Bank and the increased possibility of unknowingly walking past the donor in the street and the donor conceived kids meeting each other and falling in love in London (yes I know how unlikely that would be but I did consider it!). 
I will just add to this that I had outstanding customer service from Xytex to date.


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## ElsieMay (Mar 17, 2007)

Just another thought - 
Xytex let me import sharing transport fees with other UK residents.
I imported sperm from 2 donors incase something went wrong with the first choice I had a back up.  Cheaper in the long run to have this insurance of a back up donor.

EM


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## Shellem (Oct 1, 2013)

Thanks SO much for your replies.  It's really interesting and helpful to hear some different perspectives.

I think it's definitely coming down whether I prefer a photo or limited siblings.  Indekiwi, I have the same feelings as you about the high number of potential siblings that a DC child have with sperm from the US.  But it's good to know that not having a photo isn't currently a big deal for your son.  How about you though, do you wonder what he looks like?

Elsie May, I'm interested to hear that you imported 2 donor sperm -did you need to use the back up?

Natclare, I hadn't even thought about the possibility of walking past the donor if I used 'local' sperm. Something else for me to be anxious about!

Thanks everyone -and I welcome any further thoughts...

thanks


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Shellem, I have three kids with the help of the same donor, so can see some of his features. The only reason I would want a photo of the donor (as an adult - baby ones in my view are pointless) is for my kids. As far as my personal feelings are concerned, I would prefer not to obsess about someone who will spend no time in my or their lives - and I think that for me, a photo would probably have me looking at every random male stranger in an entirely different light.

Re potentially walking past the donor in the street though - our donor came from LWC, so on the basis of the limited information I had about him (I conceived my son during the anonymous donor era) it would have been easy to assume he was a Brit...having now received a bit more info from HFEA, I know that he was from Eastern Europe. I'm not sure you get nationality information when you initially choose donors in the UK today - someone who has had treatment in the UK using a UK-sourced donor in the last five or six years would be able to tell you definitively. A friend of mine who became a sperm donor in the last few years travelled around 90 minutes each way to the clinic through which he donated (and is not from the UK in any case and may well go back to his country of origin in the next few years). Recipients also often travel a number of hours each way for treatment or move away from the capital in later years (both were the case for me). Also, a donor bank like LWC's often supplies other clinics around the UK (again, this was the case for us). Furthermore, London, with 7(?) million people, is a large place for, say, 20 half-siblings to disappear within. I therefore think the likelihood of you inadvertently bumping into the donor or half-siblings would be vanishingly small. 
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[/size]A-Mx


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## ElsieMay (Mar 17, 2007)

Hi Shellem

I didn't use the back up or need to.  However, I had a letter this year from the clinic where my back up sperm was stored informing me that the temperature in the storage tank had malfunctioned and as a result me and other patients were being advised the sperm was no longer viable.  This did not matter to me as my family was complete but it does highlight the fact that sometimes things do go wrong and it is good to have a back up.


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## Shellem (Oct 1, 2013)

Thank you SO much for all your thoughts -it's been really helpful to read them.

I think I'll sign up to both the UK and US banks and see which profiles I prefer -irrespective of photo availability.

thanks!


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## Matilda7 (Feb 22, 2011)

Just to follow up on indiekiwi's post - I used the London Sperm Bank, via LWC, 2 years ago and the info about nationality was available at the time of selection. I think they had quite recently changed the way they did it and more info was put on the profile than had been previously given. I have since received more info about the donor from the HFEA and am satisfied with the level of info I have, despite not having a photo. He wrote a lovely letter that I will show my children when they're older and he did give some medical info about his family history. Whether or not you get a letter though is obviously up to each individual donor.

Have you looked at the London Sperm Bank website to get an idea of what info you are given prior to treatment? Here's a link if you haven't - http://www.londonspermbankdonors.com/

/links


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Just a real quickie to follow up inde & matilda!  I found out after each of my kids were born that their donor was non-UK - I used London Women's Clinic in London both times & had to use a different donor for my youngest as my son's donor was not responding to clinic requests to re-donate for siblings.  That brought me up short as it was only about 18 months after he was born that I started to think about a second baby & to find he was already not responding to follow up from the clinic made me realise how small were the chances of my son ever having any contact with him even if he wanted.  I chose a different donor from the same clinic - I knew by this time that my son's donor was non-UK.  It was only after my daughter was born that I discovered her donor was also non-UK & in the letter I got via the HFEA from the donor it is clear that it is unlikely he is going to be in the UK in future.  I actually like the fact that it looks like both my kids are in the same boat - non-UK donor not intending to remain in the UK long term - but I did wish I'd known that my daughter's donor was non-Uk beforehand.  The clinic didn't cross reference with my son's donor when they offered me the second donor & made no mention to me of the non-UK element - I could have ended up with one child being very able to have contact with a donor in future whilst the other had no chance at all.  As it happens I think neither will get contact & I will bring them up to expect that.
I suppose what I'm waffling on about is to say that whatever information you get now it does not mean your child will be satisfied in the future or that they will wish for more.  Once the child is here, in my view they are my child and both mine are full siblings in my eyes as they only have my family as their reference point.  So far, neither child has shown any interest at all in their donor - long may that last!
Good luck choosing!


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## Shellem (Oct 1, 2013)

Thankyou Matilda and Grace.  None of this is easy is it!  But really great to get your perspective, so thankyou. x


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hello Shellan
I started out wanting lots of information and my 2010 pregnancy was from a lovely identified donor from the US .  Alas this ended in MC.  I am now moving on to DE too and I have to use anonymous donor as I am going abroad but I have come to the conclusion that I don't necessarily think it is going to matter.  I don't look like my siblings or particularly like my parents and I certainly have different personality traits.  I have an adult adopted friend who has known all her life she was adopted and has no interest in finding her biological family so I often think it depends on how you bring them up.  

If I had a choice I would like more information but in their 20s, which is the ideal age for donation, people often have not matured or found their direction in life so their present information/details might not give the true picture.  Both my donors have proven fertility: the female donor has broadly the same physical characteristics as me and the male donor is what my ideal man would look like...tall, dark haired with green eyes!  
Good luck with your decision
TC


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## solomum (Apr 17, 2012)

Elsie May: Did you ask the clinic for a refund for the destroyed vials?

Indiwicki: (Hope I haven't got that wrong! Can't press back to check name in case I loose this)... Re: Chance meeting with siblings. Chance meeting with half-siblings are surprisingly common in the US... and even in the UK amongst women who have used imported US donors. The reason being that 1) single mothers by choice/solo mums are a self-selecting group who tend to prioritise socialising with others in the same situation. Also, generally, we tend to concentrate in urban areas (so NY and London are big DC centres for single mums). 2) Only a limited number of American or European donors can be imported to the UK, the reason being that they must comply with UK laws. That means that it's highly likely that any woman who uses available donors from the US in a UK bank is choosing from the same very small pool. I know one women who has had the most extraordinary chance meeting with a half-sibling family right near her home. As for the donor: I think that this is less likely as the donor tends to come from different circles to the half siblings (though I do know a signficant number of stories from the US where women have found themselves connected to their donors through improbably links - check out the new book by Wendy Kramer, now on Amazon, about tracing donor families). Also look at this newspaper article for an odd coincidence: http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/seeking-man-for-dating-love-and-dna/2007/09/12/1189276810244.html
UK families also bump into each other and make unusual connections... again those of us who use UK donors tend to be a small self-selecting group. People who use the LSB I imagine particularly so as they are marketing to single women/lesbians, who are unlikely to conceal their DC origins, keen to network, and indeed encouraged to network.

Also: As a note: Huge sibling families affect the US and the European Sperm Bank (and Cryos and other European sperm banks in the business of exporting) equally. The problem is that all these banks are only bound by the family limit within a country's borders... so the same donor could be used scores of times in the US, for ten families in the Uk, ten families in Scandanavian countries... and on and on (the world is wide, and the big banks export everywhere). 
As for UK sperm banks: I was surprised when I looked at the London Sperm Bank when it first came on line how many of the donors were not UK nationals. It could be that some of them are long term immigrants intending to stay, but it struck me that a lot of them might be students/visitors and some of them come from countries that I know (from first hand experience) do not have the same easy to trace postal system/road address system/people registering system as in the UK. If you use a UK donor it might be worth finding out just what identifying information the bank takes from the donor and gives to the HFEA. A last address will be of little use if it's student digs... but a NI number or passport number will be far more useful.

As for what choice you should make... I think seven years ago it was easier in that the UK banks gave such little information about the donors that if you wanted ANY information you really had to go abroad. Now they really do try and offer more. Another thing to bear in mind is that the Donor Sibling Registry in the US makes it much easier for parents who have used the same US donors to connect (and often with donors). I am sure that this will be available here soon (and there are indeed plans to make this happen) but until it does, if you value connecting with the wider donor 'family', and think it would be interesting to get to know your child's half-sibling family, US donors might seem attractive.

It's a pretty hard choice. It's partly down to the kind of person you are as well. If you are the kind of person who can't stand blanks, who will be driven mad by the absence of information, who will spend ages trying to guess or make up the mystery donor is, then go for as much information as possible and the maximum possilibity of contact and find a way to deal with the mass produced multiple family aspect. It is very likely that your child is going to share these attitudes too if they grow up in a home with you. Or you might think that the feeling of multiple offspring is so freaky that you are prepared to deal with less information than face that. You need to be able to believe in your choice to communicate it positively to your child/ren.

Best wishes and best of luck!

/links


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Solomum, great post, particularly that last paragraph which is something that i think is quite key.



> UK families also bump into each other and make unusual connections... again those of us who use UK donors tend to be a small self-selecting group. People who use the LSB I imagine particularly so as they are marketing to single women/lesbians, who are unlikely to conceal their DC origins, keen to network, and indeed encouraged to network.


Going off on a tangent here (sorry Shellem!), to be honest, I would be delighted to have been able to connect with other parents that have used the same donor as me. I rejoined DCN specifically so that I could log the limited details I have on its sibling register, but it is no longer on the website. Although many of the mums who post / used to post on FF have met and formed friendship groups offline (and there must have been at least 60 - 70 women that fall into this category by now - there are regular meet ups and one or two big annual meet ups where on each occasion 30 - 40 mums, mums to be, tryers and thinkers gather), to my knowledge, no one has inadvertently (or deliberately) met someone else who has used the same donor. Mind you, some recipients are more circumspect than others about their donor's characteristics and many would on no account wish to meet another family that has used the same donor - different people take a different stance on this - so perhaps there has been a connection that has not been picked up by the relevant parents. Perhaps the "sample" group is simply too small / has a disproportionate number who have gone overseas for tx? Who knows. Re the UK based sperm donors, I would be quite interested in knowing how many are active and available for use at any one time, as I guess that would dictate how high or low the probabilities are that one would meet other recipients using the same stock. In London, Birmingham or Manchester, potentially the numbers are quite high, whereas somewhere like Southampton might be very restricted. Since the LWC's bank provides (or at least used to provide) DS to a number of clinics around the country, the chances that all 10 families would be in the same location decrease substantially. I guess what I'm saying here is that I _suspect_ the exceptions, those that discover a connection, are simply that, unusual occurrences. Happy to be wrong on this though (and for my family at least, want to be wrong - and sooner rather than later!). 

A-Mx


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## sunset365 (Oct 11, 2013)

Hi - just thought I'd add my own limited experience. 

I chose a donor from ESB explicitly because I know the number of families a US donor can produce could be very high. It hasn't helpe that the film 'Delivery Man' started getting publicity just as I was choosing!

It's really hard to think what's right for your prospective child. My logic was to minimise as many factors that MIGHT cause stress later on. 

Anyhoo I wanted to drop a note here as the donor I chose from ESB actually turned out to be from the US. I only found this out when there was a problem with one of the vials being empty on defrosting. I don't know how I missed this - his nationality was listed as French-Norwegian. I noticed his birthplace was USA but assumed he must have moved back to Scandinavia at a young age. 

Anyway, if you do use ESB, make sure to check whether they have imported him from a US bank if you decide you don't want to use a US bank!

I'm now changing my donor for this amongst other reasons.


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## solomum (Apr 17, 2012)

Sunset: I think that the ESB exports to the US as well ... so it's not just one way traffic (certainly the Scandinavian banks have branches in the US as Scandinavian donors are popular in the US). 

Even if you use a ESB donor from a European country you could still have very high half-sibling rates as the ESB can export anywhere in the world as long as it respects the country limits within each country.  Perhaps it's worth asking them first for clarification (Actually, if you do get clarification,please do post back as I'd like to hear what they have to say. I'm basing my information on what I was told by an ESB rep at the alternative family fair two years ago).


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## sunset365 (Oct 11, 2013)

I'll ask ESB about exporting for sure! Good idea!

They very kindly just sent me an excel list of donors separating out US donors.


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## solomum (Apr 17, 2012)

Half-siblings chance meetings: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2543034/Look-alike-college-friends-theyre-SISTERS-discovering-share-sperm-donor-father.html

/links


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## bubbles2010 (Apr 10, 2011)

Am sooo confused about choosing donor sperm. 

I have been accepted into the Egg Sharing programme at GCRM and require donor sperm. I am waiting on some blood tests to come back. I originally wanted my donor to be from Scotland and ask such, giving my potential future child to trace their roots if they wanted to. 

But since thinking this, I was advised there is a shortage of sperm and would need to either go on a waiting list or receive the sperm from ESB. 

I have logged into ESB, and its so hard to know exactly what to look for. I mean most are from Norway/Denmark. The ones that say they are English are American, and am completely lost.  Tbh, I thought this would have been the easiest part. It does give baby photos and audio tapes, full description ect. 

If someone could clarify, if any future child did want to contact the donor or siblings at the age of 18, how would I know what information the ESB would given to my child? Is it different for every donor, Do you think it matters?

There are also no adult photos, could I use a different bank. In addition, the only person who I have have liked and would consider is Italian. Do you think this is bad idea if i am Scottish?

Any help and advice if appreciated. its really difficult goggling, and when I spoke to the GCRM, I think that they assume I would know this. 

My next few weeks will be spent goggling and finding out more info. Am currently reading SMC and a member of the DNC, but still difficult trying to find the answer to the questions. If you have links that would help  

Thanks x


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Bubbles

I have posted before on this thread.  I have had treatment in this country initially, like you, wanting my potential child to be able to trace it's biological parent.  Then further down the line I am now about to go abroad and will have anonymous DE and DS.  The limit on donors has been the deciding factor for me and the success rates achievable abroad are so much better than the UK.  Even my last UK clinic admitted they are much better abroad than the UK.

In the end I went for a donor that would look like my ideal partner, tall dark and green eyes who has a degree.  This time I have no adult picture and no best wishes message from the donor just the raw facts.  The same thing goes for my female donor apart from the Clinic apparently matches facial characteristics so I had a limit to my choices offered to just 4.  However I look at it like this: I don't look like my siblings or parents and none of them are scientific minded like me.  You can never tell what sort of child you might have even if genetically related.  I think a Dane/Norwegian with a Scottish lady like yourself would give a nice strong genetic mix to a child - won't it be exciting to see how they develop?  I can't help wondering if any children you have might be more interested, when they reach 18, in their half siblings which could result from the process you are going through.

Go for the type of person and characteristics you would choose in a partner.  Have a look at your blood group and if you are Rhesus negative then it might be better to choose a negative donor.  Look at what they 
say about themselves and family, then make your decision.  
Best Wishes
TC x


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## Annaleah (May 14, 2008)

Hi Bubbles, 

As Tincancat says, the choice of donor is a very personal one in terms of colouring, family background, ethnic origin, proximity etc and only you can make these choices based on what feels right for you after going through the profiles- choosing someone that resonates with you.  There are no rights or wrongs, it simply is personal preference - which is why you may find it difficult to find answers to your questions. So long as you ensure that blood group and CMV status are compatible, there really are no other factors except for your own wishes and intentions.  

You may be able to use a different bank, as long as you run it by your clinic and they are able to facilitate this.  In terms of information being released when a donor conceived person is 18, this application needs to be made by them directly.  There will be a minimum set of identify information that the banks need to be able to give at 18 in order to meet the HFEA regulations to qualify as non-anonymous/ID release sperm. The bank will be able to tell you what this information is - the FAQ section on their site doesn't give full details. Remember, this will also be dependent on the donor maintaining their records over time eg informing the clinic and other appropriate registries (I think there is a Scandinavian one that ESB donors/ recipients can sign up to) of change in address, name etc.

Good luck with your donor search. 
A x


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## bubbles2010 (Apr 10, 2011)

Thanks Tincancat, such a nice response and your right. I should go with someone who resembles a man, an ideal partner.

And your also right regarding siblings, it is correct in saying that our child can contact siblings, at the age of 16 and the donor at 18. I hope that donors keep the records up-to-date 18 years is a long time. And your right, it will exciting to see how any potential child will develop.

I think that I stress to much ;-)
x


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## jefnerf (Aug 28, 2012)

My clinic also uses Xytex and I chose my donor in January, the three vials I've initially gone for have arrived yesterday in England with a view to start on my March cycle.

I did pay extra in order to get five pictures of my donor alongwith a lovely letter he has wrote to any children.  I'd be quite happy for my child to contact him in the future but will try to not place him on a pedestal, a lot could happen in the donors life in the next 18-20 years.


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