# Mixed feelings



## ells (Mar 19, 2008)

Hi ladies,

We had our 4th BFN last week   .  Both DH and I still just cant believe it   .  I am feeling really sorry for myself,one moment I am okay and the next I want to lock myself away and cry.  This cycle was our 2nd fresh Icsi but it all went a bit wrong, I had loads of follies and the doc was expecting 12-15 eggs but we only got 4 eggs and only 2 mature enough to inject   .  We did an antagonist cycle this time and clearly it doesnt agree with me.  I know its wrong to look at it this way but both Dh and I cant believe how much money we have spent and we have nothing to show for it   .  We've lost weight, watched what we have been eating and had acu.  I did have 'symptoms' this time, which I havent had before but nothing.  AF arrived 2 days after test day but has been pretty light.  Yesterday (sorry if this is TMI) i passed 2 clots at different times, I had really bad cramps just before and the clots had blood but also a  very small white rubbery 'thing', DH and I have assumed it was our two sacs  .  I am struggling with knowing let alone seeing other pregnant friends, I just dont want to speak to them and I dont want people to give us sympathy as it just makes it worse and makes me feel like a complete failure   .  I feel every time I turn on the TV or go out I am surrounded by pregnancy or newborns   .  

I have told DH I cant give up as I want to be a mum.  I just dont know why my body is letting me down again and again.  I have inflamatory bowel probs, you would think that it would be enough to contend with let alone adding IF to all my probs.  

I have just ordered two books from amazon following some other FF ladies advice, Zita west complete guide to getting pregnant and Dr Beers Is your body baby friendly.  We have written a letter to our clinic before we go for follow up on 5th June asking questions and advice - I just dont think I would be able to remember everything and also ask it face to face - but we want further tests into immune issues and seeing if there is anything else wrong.

I dont want to be so negative and feel so low but I just cant seem to pull myself out of this, i just feel so useless.  I know that this will get easier with time but it just doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Has anyone got any words of wisdom and success stories?

Sorry for such a negative, me post but I know you ladies will understand as no-one else does.

Ells


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## Han72 (Feb 15, 2007)

Hon   

Please don't apologise for a me post under such heart-breaking circumstances!  I just wanted to say, even though it feels rough as hell now, it will get better.  You're not always going to feel this way. You know this, if it's your 4th attempt now but sometimes it helps to have someone remind us.

One thing I would add is that with your inflammatory bowel problem, I wouldn't be surprised if you had immune issues which interfere with egg quality and implantation. You find out more about this from Alan Beer's book (got my copy yesterday!) but the good news is that these issues CAN be treated, which is so much more reassuring than "dur, we dunno why it hasn't worked," or worse, "your eggs must be rubbish, why don't you try donor?"

Zita's book is very informative but I find she goes a bit over the top sometimes.  Everything in moderation is my  motto. otherwise you drive yourself even more bonkers trying to only eat and drink and do the right things and then beat yourself up for eg drinking a cup of tea, during stims or not being able to spend the first few days of the 2ww flat on your back!

Basically, this IS NOT your fault, you didn't do anything wrong!  Ok maybe your body needs a bit of help in order to hold on  to a pregnancy but that's not your fault, anymore than the fact that the weather is miserable where I am right now! Although I wouldn't say no to a bit of sunshine if you wouldn't mind sending it over...! 

Take care honey


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## ells (Mar 19, 2008)

Thanks Nix.

I'm not someone who feels like this I normally am a really positive person but I am really struggling.  Thank you for the reassurance, I think thats all I need.  I have had a weekend of friends and family (some of whom who are pg!) giving me their words of wisdom   - some of the comments... have we thought about surrogacy or adoption   .  Arghhhh I just wanted to lock myself away.  I have been looking on FF about info on immune issues and stuff and I am convinced I need some extra support.

Its good to hear feedback on the books, the Dr Beer's book sounds really good I am hoping that it will arrive tomorrow - Amazon are telling me that it is set for delivery so   that it will be here soon.  I have been following parts of the Zita West thing since starting our first FET - so far it hasnt helped   but I wanted to see what else she says.

Thank you soooooo much for your kind words, this website and all you lovely ladies have been a true godsend.   

Sending you loads of sunshine down the wires  .

Thank you again hun. 

I actually feel a little better since your reply  
Ells


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## Han72 (Feb 15, 2007)

Hey I'm glad it made a difference and guess what?!  The sun came out here so thank YOU!!!


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