# Any advice from adoptive mummies?



## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

I posted on the babydust section but would be interested in your opinions as adoptive mummies, maybe understanding the seperation side of things more?

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=195172.0


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi hun

Have read your thread- i will try and have a think and reply later as at the mo i have DS being a "little darling" 

xxxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Wynnster

Have read your post but didn't want to reply on that thread so am replying here 

We have the same problem, not all the time now but quite a few nights of the week.  Since day1 DH has always done the bedtime routine as suggested by SW to give them time together and me a break (hahaha!!!) and when he started screaming 'Mummy do it, mummy do it' we carried on with DH getting him ready and doing story time and then I go and give him a kiss and cuddle in bed.  We spoke to SW and she said definately to keep DH doing that part of the day, she put it down to controlling behaviour, and I found it really hard, still do, listening to him shouting and crying for me but having to leave him to DH.  I also felt bad for DH who had been at work all day and is tired when he gets home, a nice cuddle would be so much nicer for him to come home to.

DS has always been very clingy and possessive of me right from day 1 of intros, he is a real Mummies boy, but he also loves spending 'play time' with Daddy.  At weekends I tend to step back a bit and let them spend more time together, they going swimming to for a run round with a ball in the park, though I still do all the cooking etc.  Even after a lovely day with Daddy he will still only want me to get him ready for bed or a cuddle from me and hearing 'I don't want you, I want Mummy' is horrid but DH knows it isn't personal, DS just hasn't worked out a better way of saying it.  A lot of the time it is down to DS being tired.

Having spoken to friends with birth children it doesn't sound as though it is anything unusual.  

When DS is really going for it I tend to go upstairs and potter about, putting clothes away or a teddy, just so he sees me around.  He normally then asks for me and I just say that I am just doing xxxx and will be back in a few minutes, most of the time he reluctantly lets DH carry on, sometimes I stay in the bathroom or his bedroom a bit longer but still leave things to DH to do.  If he is really upset though we tend to just have a couple of minutes calming down , cuddling and I talk to him about how Daddy has missed him and wants to spend some time with him etc etc and then when he is calm again I give him back to DH to finish off.

Having said all that, somedays I just think children want Mummy more than anyone else and that to me is natural.  

OT x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

Many Thanks OT    It is hard isn't it, to him them calling for you and to know how dh must be feeling  

Having spent a long weekend with lots of  Daddy time things are much much better between them    So I think it is just that they need time together.  Last night I went out with some friends so left DS at my mums for an hour, then DH collected him and brought him home to do bedtime on his own - he said he was fine and only once said 'mummy gone out', took him a little longer than normal to go off to sleep but that was probably the huge chocolate cake nanny had given him    Then this morning he was all over DH, lots of hugs and kisses and jumping on him  

We have also changed things slightly and put his bedtime back by half hour so things aren't so rushed when dh gets home, then we all go upstairs together and I potter about whilst dh gets him ready for bed, then i say i need to go and do his milk and by the time i come back he is all ready for bed, milky is handed to dh and I kiss ds goodnight through the banister (a favourite for ds) so he can't cling to me, he then goes off fine with dh and will only ask for me when dh first lays him down.

Hopefully this progress will continue


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Wynnster

Good to hear things are improving, your DS hasn't been home all that long really and coming up to 2 he is at one of the ages where they feel a bit insecure, even birth children, but it sounds as though he is doing really well.

We had an episode this morning, DS was actually awake before DH went to work today for the first time this week, I went into his room, took him to the toilet, helped him chose some books to 'read' while I got showered and just as he was getting back into bed DH came in for a kiss as he was leaving for work.  DS hid behind me and shouted 'I don't want you' and no matter what DH or I said he wouldn't give DH a kiss.  Only problem was the minute DH had gone out the door DS wanted a kiss.  We then had a chat about Daddy having to go to work and not having time in the mornings for messing about, he'd have to wait for a big cuddle from Daddy after tea tonight now (hopefully he won't push him away tonight  )

As you say, it is hard and I really feel for DH at times, he has learnt not to take it personally but the first few times he found it really upsetting.

OT x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Sorry to hear that OT  

I'm hoping it is just a phase, lots of children go through similar (and it seems to be mainly boys....) birth or otherwise, lets just hope in time it stops completely  

I think ds will be a daddy's boy when he gets a little older with playing football etc that mummy will be boring at  

Even though we had a fab weekend with DS and DH playing lots and getting on really well, there were times when dh would say 'ar can daddy have a hug' and ds would say 'nope' (   mustn't laugh!) and i'd have to say to dh not to push his luck.  Affection will come in time, it's the relationship that needs building first. 

It'll be interesting to see how your DS is this evening? 

xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Well this evening was no better, in fact probably worse!!  DS was very tired and even though I'd reminded him that Daddy would get him ready for bed he was having none of it.  He ran off and hid and then when DH found him and picked him up DS hit DH round the head twice!  After a long stressful day at work it was the last thing DH needed  he 'dumped' DS on the floor, shouted at him 'You do not hit me' and walked off.  DS by now was crying and I was left to pick up the pieces and get DS ready for bed and calm again.  DH wouldn't go into give DS a kiss even so I know he was very upset at DS's behaviour, this upset DS even more so I then had to calm and comfort him again before I could leave him to go to sleep.

At the moment we are putting this down to DS being extremely tired, he knows its wrong to hit and he was really sorry afterwards.  DH has decided for the time being I am to get DS ready for bed and even though we were advised against this when it first happened, I would rather avoid these battles and upsets by just getting on with it myself.

At the weekend though DS will want DH to play all the time and won't want me unless he is hungry or something as I'm not as good at playing farms as Daddy!

DS has also decided Daddy has rough hands and therefore won't hold his hand but he also is saying this to my Dad at the moment.

OT x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Oh OT     So sorry things didn't improve last night.  

It must be so hard not to take it personally, DH will walk away from ds sometimes saying 'he doesn't want me' and then I have to convince dh to make more effort and make ds want him    Last night ds was ok when dh came in and went to show him his tractor but then went off when dh tried to play with it with him (hence the 'he doesn't want me'   ) SO I eventually encouraged dh to play with ds outside for a while, whilst I prepared bath etc - well after 5 minutes I came and told ds it was bathtime and had the same reaction dh would get.

Is there any way that you could encourage dh to continue?  It must be very VERY hard to face a battle every evening when you've had a hard day yourself but I would just try a few different things maybe, as DS likes to play with DH maybe they could have a few minutes playing together when DH first comes home? 

Not a nice situation at all, not only for dh but for you to witness and have to pick up the pieces  

How has this morning gone?


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

thanks Wynnster

Dh went to work before DS was awake this morning so we haven't had to face anything yet!  

Thankfully its the weekend so hopefully DS and DH will spend some nice time together and sort this out.  Its not so much DH not wanting to do it, its the state DS gets himself into because he is so tired. 

Like you, I get the 'i don't want to' when they are having fun and playing but thats down to me 'spoiling' his fun!!

At least its nice and sunny today.
OT x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

How has it gone this evening?

We have had a stressful day today    This morning went well, went to a play area and left at 12 ish which is an hour over his usual nap time but he is ok (normally!) to be late sleeping, I expected him to sleep in the car but had 'Thomas cheeky one' being sung from the back seat.  Got home and thought he'd best have lunch before nap or he'd wake hungry so he finally went up for a nap at 1:30, which again isn;t that unusual for him, well he was jumping off the walls and no amount of winding down worked. Finally at 3 he dropped off but no way could I risk him sleeping for long so he had half an hour, went to my sisters for a play then home for tea time.  DH came home when I was just sitting him down for tea, so I said that it would be really nice if he could say a big hello to daddy before tea and he grizzled a bit but went to dh gave him a hug and kiss and then came back for his dinner  
DH was already upstairs having a shower when it was time to go up so I took ds up and he happily went with dh for his wash and to get ready for bed as I said I was going to do the important job of getting his milk (for half and hour, what takes me so long   ) 
I can hear on the monitor that he is fine, not asking for me at all so fingers crossed he goes off ok tonight.  

I see what you're saying about not wanting to upset ds but for us it isn't an option to change who does night time as I need that space to do our dinner and dh needs that time to see ds or else he would only see him 1 day a week and then what sort of relationship would they have.  I truely hope that as our ds's grow they become more daddy's boys, your ds certainly sounds like it wanting to do boys play time of a weekend, that must be lovely though to watch them play together  

What do you think your ds would be like if you wasn't there at all?  I'm only asking as on the odd occasion that I haven't been there to cling to DS has been absolutely fine as i'm not an option.  

Thinking of you x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

We've had quite a good day today and DS told me he was sorry for hitting DH last night.  I told him this morning that he needed to say it to Daddy rather than me as I saw he was sorry last night, didn't mention it again to him and we had a really nice day.

When DH came home tonight we were just sitting down to eat, I try and eat with DS most evenings and usually have DH's either keeping hot in the oven or just a case of cooking some pasta/rice to go with whatever, and without any prompting from me DS said 'Daddy i am sorry for hitting you last night'.  So they made up and after tea DH gave him a bath and read stories   

It is hard isn't it, DH only sees DS for an hour a day if he is lucky and so I tend to step back at weekends and let them do things together (also DH then thinks he is giving me a break to do housework!) but DS is aware of me not being around and does ask for me.  He goes to my parents for sleepovers without any problem, in fact invites himself more than we ask, but he has a really good relationship with them as we are really close but at home he wants me more and I've only been out 1 evening before he has gone to bed and he had said to DH he was going to stay awake until I got home and could give him a kiss.  In comparison DH has had to work 'American' hours and so not been home for bedtime and DS goes to bed fine and he has stayed away overnight which hasn't caused any problems for DS.

DH does mainly do the bedtime routine, again as with you to give me a bit of space after having him all day, but it doesn't throw him if I do it.  We had to do this due to DH working away from home for up to 1/3rd of the year.

Hopefully things will improve now and we can get back to a fairly peaceful bedtime routine!  I go back to work in 2 weeks time and will be doing 2 long days and half a day so we will all be tired by the time we get in so really need this to be back to normal by then.

Hope your DS went off OK tonight.

Enjoy the weekend, its meant to be great weather.

Thinking of you too x


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, just wanted to send hugs to you both     I know you are both doing your best in a difficult situation.  

I tend to be hard hearted at times like this and just say "mummy busy - back soon" and leave dh and ds2 to it.  At first I used to go and sit on the bed upstairs to be on hand and every 10 mins pop in and check on them and then say "mummy busy - back soon", gradually building up the 10 mins to half an hour.  Dh would say "look it's mummy" when I came into the room and then say "oh dear, mummy busy but never mind we can have a nice cuddle instead".  Ds2 is a very loving child so likes his cuddles.  If ds2 said "no, want Mummy" dh would distract him by singing (which ds2 loves) and then ds2 would join in or dh would pull a silly face until ds2 laughed and forgot all about mummy.  We always go in together to kiss ds2 night night and kiss teddy night night as well and no rarely get any problems.  Some days Daddy is the only person in the world for him and some days Mummy is the only person in the world for him.  We don't get upset as we know it could just as likely be the other person later in the day or the next day.  Don't take any of this personally.  As someone has already said this behaviour is controlling and pushing boundaries and will carry on unless you remain firm and not give in.  I can see how upset your dh gets but he should rise above it and not take it personally as it is just another button to push if ds sees it gets a reaction.  The hitting was wrong but dh was wrong to walk away as now ds knows that works in getting rid of daddy.  In my opinion, you really need to be hard hearted and consistent (both parents) and I would be surprised if this behaviour continues.  Once again   to you both as this is an emotive subject.  Sorry if I come over a bit harsh but I am trying to be helpful and tell it as I see it


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi,

I agree with mummyof2 this is controlling behaviour and testing you to see how far they can push you its really difficult though when they seem so distressed and distressing for the daddys too, my little girl is a mummy's girl at the moment and has been for the past 2 weeks but normally she is 100% daddys girl especially with him working full time and Im at home generally all the time unless I get called into to do the odd shift which is rare .

Good luck and big  

Dawny
x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Oh I am hard hearted, believe you me!  To the extent I even question my own feelings at times.

Personnally I think it was better for DH to walk away and calm down than for it to esculate any further and DS hasn't repeated the behaviour since.  But thats my opinion having been in the situation.

We get a blip in behaviour whenever we come back off holiday but DS has settled back down again now, quicker than the previous time! 

OT x


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## hewson (Feb 28, 2007)

So... 
what do you do if its you your son doesnt like?!

I'm the main carer- currently on adoption leave.  During the week he's generally fine with me but for the past few weekends hes been all daddy, wanting his daddy to do everything and saying 'bye mummy' even if I've just entered the room.  Really heartwarming!  He's 2 and been with us for 4 months now.  Settled really well.

Getting really hard to swallow.  His dad does alot with him and in the week when he gets home.  I know previously he has been closer with male carers but has been fine with female ones also.

I think - I dont know- that its not so much of adoption issue.  Wondering today if he wants to spend more alone time just with his dad- I dont know.  I know everyone says dont take it personal but it gets very hard!  If thats it then fine but I just need a way round this as it makes me feel worthless and sh!te.  It makes tension (only for short time) between me ahd dh which i know doesnt help.

Any advice greatly received!


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi hewson

Sorry to read you are feeling like this.  My DS wants Daddy all the time at weekends, unless its for food or he has hurt himself, because he sees Daddy more as someone to play with.  Also they are very clever even at 2 knowing how to play you off against each other and how to make you feel cr*p by making out they don't want you.  As you say, not really adoption related, more just a normal occurence and testing of boundaries.

We generally try and do some family stuff at weekends but my DH also spends some time alone with DS so I can have a bit of 'me' time.

May be worth letting them have a bit of 'boys' time while you have a few hours to yourself and then do some things together  4 months in is still early days and it may just take your son a bit of time to get closer to you, maybe he finds it easier to trust men due to his past??  I'm just guessing at this but it isn't uncommon for children to reject the mother as they've always been let down by the 'mother' figure before.  They need to learn to trust Mummy and this can be a hard time for all involved.  Keep at it, I'm sure you are doing a fab job and things will get easier.

I currently feel as though all I am doing is telling DS off, he is going through a really bad defiant stage, and that is getting me down.  He still doesn't really listen to DH and when DH is telling him off he just carries on until I get involved.

OT x


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi Hewson, I agree with all that OT has said.  This isn't an adoption issue - just age related I feel as he is at that age when he is fickle with his loyalties and swings between both of you.  My son is the same.  We take no notice as we know that he is just as likely to want the other parent next time.  Also it is the novelty of seeing the other parent at the weekend that makes them the more "special" one.  Try and do things together as a family.  Take it in turns to bath him, feed him etc so that no one parent does the majority of child care at weekends.  He should soon stop being such a daddy's boy and become more equal in wanting you both.  Good luck and try not to take it personally as it is just a phase


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi Hewson

 That can't feel nice at all. 

4 months is still early days and if you know there is something in his past to suggest he feels more secure with a male carer I would guess that maybe a reason, just continue as you are and in time i'm sure he will gain his securities.  Just really try not to take it personally  

Our 'problem' with DS & DH is now a thing of the past and as with alot of things it was just a phase. 

Hoping things improve for you all


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