# Negative!!!!!!!!



## raik (Oct 22, 2004)

I have just had my second lot treatment and was due to to a test on the 23rd Dec , i started bleeding yesterday, i just feel so lost and i feel i am letting so many people down. 

I have just had someone tell me they are expecting there 2nd child (they already have a 4 month old), he kept going on about how its all worth it and then 2 more of my colleagues joined in (one of which has a new born and the other who has 4 children), all these men stood around talking about the joys of parenthood and how it was the best thing they did etc.. they then proceeded tell me about my clock ticking away and i should consider having kids etc... the whole conversation was all very painful with me putting on a brave front saying that i didn't want them, how i don't want to change my life style etc.. if i had said that i found out yesterday that i had have yet another failed attempt of achieving this joy of parenthood how would they have felt? I know i would have felt guilty because i know these men would in future not ever talk to me about families etc and feel sorry for me but i do not want their pity.  

This is going to be the worst Christmas as my D/H is going away on the 26th Dec- what i am going to do?


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Raik,
So sorry to see you are feeling so sad. This IF game can be so cruel and it particularly hard to get a negative at this time of year.

Work colleagues can be so thoughtless, just forget them, they are just people you happen to spend time with through circumstance, not the ones that really matter.

Rest assured you are not letting anyone down. We none of us chose this fate in life and if you could change it you would but its just the hand we have been dealt...for now at least. 

I do hope you have some family or good friends you can spend time with at Christmas especially if your DH is away.
We are all here and understanding your pain so post away and you will gets lots of support,
Take care, MeganXX


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## Sidsgirl (Oct 11, 2004)

Raik, i am so sorry for what you are going through. It is very hard and at this time of year the last thing you need.
As for your work colleagues as Megan said they are not important, unfortunately when people are blessed to fall pregnant easily it makes them blind to those of us who have to go through very difficult times.
I am so sorry that your DH will not be with you but i hope you have some one you can be with.
We are all here and ready to listen or talk when ever you need us, i will look out for you.
Again i am so sorry and hope the pain soon starts to ease.
Love Carmela x


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## maeve (Aug 1, 2004)

Hi raik,
  im really sorry to hear your having a bad time.I know how hard it is when all people seem to talk about is pregnancy and childbirth etc.
    Wishing you and dh all the luck in the world for your next try,..its really hard to stay positive I know but hang in there......
    Wishes do come true!!!     
            love maeve.


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## raik (Oct 22, 2004)

Hi Guys
Thanks for your kind words, its nice to know that people really care here. I have just got back from my folks and was going to tell them we have been having treatment but was unable to, we had not told anyone as we felt that it would be building their hopes up and then letting them down again. My counselor and best friend feel it will help my healing and coping if they knew but hope does one tell them?? My folks do know we have had problems and having had 2 natural conceptions and then misscarring i think that i can not carry on it just gets harder!!!! We had decided that we would only have 2 lots of treatment and this is the second, but now i am thinking shall we have another attempt?? But i am not sure and DH said after follicle retrieval (it was very painful as my left ovary is a bit difficult to access), could not bear for me to go through that again, so i am not sure?? 
Good luck with the test Megan got everything crossed for you.


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## Sidsgirl (Oct 11, 2004)

Raik - hi hope you are well. After each of my miscarriages i swore i would not do it again because it was to painful. But i found after abit of time passed and i gained some strength i started feeling that i did not want to give up, so i carried on.
It is early days for you still raw, you need to heal abit before making such an important decision, but whatever you decide i wish you lots of luck.

Love Carmela x


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## raik (Oct 22, 2004)

Thanks Carmela
Yes your right it is very raw and i feel i am bottling it up i almost feel like if no one knows then it has not happened, but then i am also scared that when it does hit home i will not cope, i really do not want that to happen. I am also thinking of having 1 final attempt but am so unsure at the moment. I have had 2 normal conceptions that resulted in miscarriages i i still find it hard to cope with them i just feel so lost...........
This site has been so helpful and i know i am babbling on but at you understand   
Kam


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## Sidsgirl (Oct 11, 2004)

Kam - we are all in such difficult positions, sometimes i feel what ever i do i will not win.
We decided to tell people what we were going through because i was fed up having to lie about why i didn't have children. I was fed up with people looking at me as if i was really selfish, while inside i was dying everytime a baby was put into my arms to " make me feel broody !!"
Telling people has its down side because they can say the most insensitive things. I put that down to ignorance. I am much more comfortable now but each person is different and handles things in a different way.

You should try not to bottle things up because they will reappear eventually. If you have a good friend or even with DH have a long chat about what your expectations + dreams were, how hurt + lost you feel. You need to let it all out, cry as much as you need, for as long as you need because until you do that you will not have closure.

You can then slowly start to decide if you want to continue with fertility treatment or if you have had enough.
If you decide to continue, maybe if you haven't already, be tested for things like immune problems.

Whatever you decide to do just make sure you are not rushing, that you have recovered enough emotionally to think straight.

You have gone through a very difficult time and must not feel bad or guilty that you are feeling down, you are very important so please look after yourself.  

Love Carmela x


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## raik (Oct 22, 2004)

thanks sidegirl, your positive words help so much and they make so much sense but i still can not accept them i have started to drink to much and thought i was holding things together but this week has been sooooo difficult. i have counselling on Saturday but as NHS funding has run out (i was told by a very cold nurse!), i suppose i have been lucky and have some input on counselling but don't know what to do now!?


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## Sidsgirl (Oct 11, 2004)

Kam - so sorry you are feeling so low. It sounds as if you need support to help you get through this.
I went through a very rough time and was lucky enough to find someone who helped me through my depression.
I was wondering could you go to your GP and tell them the situation you are in, how low you are feeling?
Hopefully you might be able to get help that way?
You should not feel bad about the way you are feeling because you have been through so much emotionally and physically.
A person can only take so much before things get on top of them. I really hope you get the help you need.

Love Carmela x


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## raik (Oct 22, 2004)

Hi Carmela
Thanks for your advice. i have not logged in for a while as i have been feeling very up and down i am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is so very difficult. At the moment i am drinking probably too much and partying all the time!! It stops me thinking about the pain- but i know i can not keep this up for long. I have also been working very long hours. I started a period today nearly 6 weeks since my last bleed/ICSI and i know it sounds silly i thought maybe i am pregnant this time like all hose storied you hear about it just happening. I am forever going to feel disappointed when i have a period it is almost like a sign of my failure. But how long will i feel like this......
Again i am so sorry to sound negative but i just feel so disappointed, sad and just so low, will i ever except that i will not have children Life really sucks!


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## Sidsgirl (Oct 11, 2004)

Raik - it breaks my heart to read your posts and see how low you are feeling.
I really wish i had the right words to say to you.
All i can say is please don't try to fight this on your own. It is very obvious you are very depressed and really need someone to help you. Can you not go to your GP?
Unless people have been through the heartache of miscarrying and negative IVF cycles it is hard to understand the intense pain and feeling of not being a "proper women".
It does take a very long time for the pain to ease, and sometimes you need an extra helping hand.
I hope so much you can find the strength to get through the hell you are going through. 
To believe again that it is possible for you to be a mum because you are just as good and strong as anyone else.

Love Carmela x


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## looblyloo (Nov 26, 2004)

looks like i join the -ve club  not tested but bleeding on and off


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

awww   loobyloo so sorry to read your post hun, when should you test ?? is there no chance it could be implantation bleeding ?? 

i know only too well how it feels to not even get to test day without the old witch showing sending you loads of   get plenty of cuddles off dp and pamper  yourselves,  in time you will start to feel more positive again 

pam xx


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## raik (Oct 22, 2004)

Hi Lubby Loo
I feel your pain.
Its just an awful feeling and such a roller coaster of emotions one minute you think you are doing OK and then the next it suddenly hits you! like a slap in the face. People around you can be so insensitive. But you have to pretend everything is OK and try and cope with things. My DH is not coping and does not want me to go through he whole hing again but i am not ready to give up but i find i have no one to talk to. Sidegirl has been an absolute god send for me and so very supportive she is truly a very lovely human being and life can be so cruel. You lead a good life and try to be a good person but still things turn out likethey do for us all on this site.
Kam


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