# Happy To Stop At One



## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

Firstly, I hope that it's ok to post in this area, as the subject is still about moving on.  Secondly, I hope I don't offend anyone as these are just my personal feelings about our own situation.

Really, I just wondered if anyone else has decided not to try for a second child at all?  I suppose I would never say never, but we don't intend to try for another.  When we first started trying, two would have been nice, but that was three and a half years ago (although it feels like a lifetime!) and time changes things.

A slightly different angle for us is that we essentially conceived very easily after all the treatment we went through and now don't know where we would stand even if we did want to try.

There are some things that happened that would have an impact on making this choice had we not made the decision before our son was even born, or some of these things came to light.  Such as a difficult pregnancy for both me and baby and I would be high risk again and I don't feel it's right to take that risk and take away from our son.  It's also so easy to get caught up in pursuing the dream.

We have been blessed with a beautiful little boy and he is enough - we feel like we've hit the jackpot and I'm not sure we could ever be so lucky again!  I'm happy with what I have and will be glad to start moving on from this chapter of my life, even though it will always be a part of me.

Anyone else?


----------



## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

Hi Dudders,

Thanks for starting this post I think a lot of women feel pressurised into having more than one. I'm pretty much decided the same thing.


----------



## wibble-wobble (Apr 16, 2011)

When i was younger i wanted 3 children. but as you have said time changes your views and feelings.
  Maybe if the tx roller coaster hadn't been such a rough ride

Maybe if I had been a few years younger when I finally had my baby

If I'd had more frosties from my tx, I don't doubt that I would have tried for a sibling, but as it stands it'd be a whole fresh cycle. Thousands of pounds I don't have and would need to save (adding more years to my 33 and passing the point where Ivf is less successful) money that can be better spent enjoying my family as it is. 

I do feel a bit sad some times that my DD won't have a sibling but she has cousins close by so won't be completely alone.


----------



## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

My sister is causing me a lot of distress right now (through no fault of her own) brothers and sisters rarely get along do they? My father and his brother are like strangers! I know many other siblings who get on really well but you just never know how it will turn out.

I like you're points wibble wobble. I met someone in the 3rd year of a degree recently already in £27 k debt (just course fees!) I have savings for my son but at this rate it will only just about cover his course fees. There's no way I'd have the money saved for him and a sibling.


----------



## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

As someone who is unable to carry another child, it's really nice to hear of people considering having one-child families as a positive decision  

Like Dudders, I compare having my daughter & surviving her birth to winning the jackpot, & that's the best time to exit the casino! 

B xxx


----------



## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

DH and I have always wanted just one child (which we are still working on). Both of us had parents who did reasonably OK with one child, but really seemed to struggle to cope with two; we both worry about having the emotional energy and calm for two kids. We also want to be able to afford private school, and it would be much easier and more affordable to take one child to visit my family in the U.S. And, while I want the experience of mothering an infant and rearing a toddler, it's not something I think I particularly want to do a second time all over again in my mid-forties. Not to mention that I don't want to deal with DE IVF while raising a toddler! Obviously, if we somehow end up with twins, we will still be happy and will love them to bits, but we'd really prefer just the one. 

I would feel a little bit sad about them not having a sibling to remember things with when they are both adults, but it's not enough to outweigh the other factors in our case. I know a number of only children, and none of them seem traumatised by the experience. I don't think not having siblings is as big a deal as some people make out.


----------



## gaynorann (Sep 1, 2012)

we were blessed with our son in 2013, and we have 2 frosties left from our cycle, we are going to use those as i cant find it in me to destroy them (we cant donate). However if they arent successful i dont think we will be going through anymore treatment as i would rahter spend all my time, energy and money on our boy. I too had a terrible pregnancy and was on crutches due to pressure on my spine, ive had alot of intensive physio and there is a risk of relapse during pregnancy so its a tough decision. I worship my boy so him being a possible only child to me is more than enough xx


----------



## Cordelia (Mar 7, 2005)

We are still working on number one but have already agreed that we are fed up feeling like our lives are on hold and everything revolves around ivf.  If this next treatment is successful and we are finally blessed with a baby then we have said that will be it, unless we have some frosties in which case we will put them back and see.  If we end up with twins this time then it's a bonus but just one would be fine.

Only children do fine and as parents I think you have to be honest with yourself about what you can cope with.

Cordelia xxx


----------



## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

We are like Gaynorann,  perfectly happy with one successful cycle but can't see myself not giving our frozen embryos a chance (though no intentions of doing this in the near future and cannot currently see a time that would be a good time to do this).  I definitely don't see myself having any more fresh cycles as I just don't feel the need (I also feel like I've already hit the jackpot).  I am 39 this year and would need to use two of my frozen embryos by age 43 and the other two by age 45.


----------



## seemedlike4eva (Jan 26, 2010)

I've been reassured by these posts that it's OK to stop at 1. Altho I have a sibling, thete's an 11 year age gap, so it was like growing up as an only child. DH has a large family, and I wish our LO  could have had that option. I have had 2 pregnancues complicated by severe early onset pre eclampsia, DD 1 died, DD 2 is 16 months and the light of our lives. We wete warned it would be much too dangerous for me to become pregnant again, so that's that. We're making sure that our little girl has a full and active life with plenty of interaction with other children, and to be honest I don't think IT could cope with a baby and toddler together. I just hate it when people who don't know our situation harp on about having a 2nd one cos it's not good to be an only child.


----------



## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Dudders, thank you for writing your post. 

If asked I would have always wanted two children, and would have loved it if we had ended up with twins following our first cycle (I think originally both embies took as a few days before my 6 week scan I thought I had miscarried, but luckily one healthy baby still remained).

Other things happened and we only had a try for a sibling July last year.  We agreed that due to our ages etc (I was 40 and DH was 42) we would have one go.  We would only do a second if we had a frostie.  Our icsi cycle failed and at first I decided I wanted to have another go.  Other commitments meant that we would not have been able to cycle until the new year so gave ourselves a few months to get our heads round everything.  I could not get passed that I wanted our daughter to have a sibling, but could we deal with things if we failed again.  

We decided that we were very lucky to have been successful first time round and that we would not have another go. I felt an enormous sense of relief once we had made the decision.  She will not miss out because she is very close to my nephew who is only 18 months older.  They play and squabble just like a brother and sister! 

I often get asked is she our only one, or if we will have another. I used to say we didn't know, but find that harder to say now, so usually just say no and change the subject.  Having experienced the last six months, I don't know if I would have been able to cope if I was pregnant or with another baby so maybe the outcome was the right one in the long run.


----------



## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

Hi seemedlike4ever,

So sorry about your first DD.  I read your signature.  It looks like you have been through an awful lot of heartache.  Don't put yourself through any more for other people.  I'm lucky that I have a close friend who, although expects to be able to get pregnant again quite easily, has taken the decision to stop at one.  She isn't worried what people say to her about having another one,  she simply says that she loves having one and one is enough.  If people ask me I tell them that it's unlikely.  If they ask questions I just tell them it wasn't easy for me to have one.  No matter what decisions you make there will probably always be someone telling you you could do things differently.  There are lots of advantages to being an only child and lots of advantages to being a sibling.  I don't think either way is better than the other.  All circumstances are different.  Don't worry about how many children other people think you should have.


----------



## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

It's great to see we're not alone in the way we feel.  It IS a positive thing just having one baby, it means you can dedicate all your time and energy to them!  Some might say that only children end up spoilt etc, but I think that's parenting more than anything - if those parents had had second children, they'd most likely just have two spoilt kids!

People were asking about number two just days after our little boy arrived!  I've been very clear that there won't be another and people just fob it off with, oh you'll forget about all the problems and birth, you'll have another.  Apparently we don't know our own minds  .  It's interesting to see though how the expectations are there to have children - as we all know people ask when you'll have one when you don't, and it still continues even when you do, they just ask when you're having another!  The pregnancy and birth aren't the issue as such - I would do it all again tomorrow, but why would I risk leaving my son without a mother and my husband without a wife?  My first pregnancy almost killed me and although I felt ok in myself, my second pregnancy wasn't good either - it's time to stop playing Russian roulette!

It's not that we didn't want two, we put back two embies when we could and would still have done so if we'd made transfer the last time, but we have one baby now and we couldn't actually wish for more.  Had we conceived our son with IVF and had frosties, then we would have had a harder decision to make.  I would find it very hard to leave them behind, but given our particular situation I think the risk involved would be too selfish a choice.

It's time to turn the page now and leave that long and stressful chapter behind us.  Now we have a new story to write xx


----------



## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Dudders - people don't always realised what a big decision it can be to stop at one child.  We would have loved(and still would really) to have a second child.  

I got asked by someone in work the other day (while looking at a picture of dd) if we would have another.  I said no due to our ages and her response was that that we would regret it -  as she did (she has a son in his 20s).  She did not mean any harm by it and I think was really saying it because I am probably more child orientated that others.

Only our parents and two of my friends (both had fertility treatment themselves so understand) knew that we have had an unsuccessful cycle for a sibling.  She had no reason to know when asking me that if we had been successful in our attempt for a sibling I would be about to give birth any day now.  There is also someone in the section who is just over 7 months, and while I am really pleased for her, when I see her I always find myself working out where I would have been in comparison.  

Whist I still feel our decision not to have another go was the right one for us in our circumstances I am having a wobble at the moment.  We have had a letter from the clinic this week to ask us if we wish to continue storage of DHs sperm.  (We had it stored incase there was a problem with a sample on the day).  My head tells me to tell them it can perish - there is no need to pay storage fees if we are not having another go, but a small part of me says - maybe just one more go.


----------



## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't think anyone should have to explain or justify only having one child but I know people don't usually mean to cause upset by asking.

Whenever I'm asked this question I'm open about being unable to have another - I think it's a good thing to make people more aware that not everyone can have children easily/at all. 

I also know that my daughter has brought me more joy than a whole football team of kids to someone who only has to have sex to become pregnant.

B xxx


----------



## MadameCissy (Apr 2, 2013)

Thank you for starting this post. It's nice to see there are others out there having made or having to make the same decision for a variety of reasons. It seems people around us can be a little obsessed and just assume that you'll have another child after your first.

We've also decided not to have another child. It wasn't an easy decision to make and I'll admit to feeling very sad about it and secretly hoping somehow things will change but I know, being realistic, that they won't.

My pregnancy was full of complications and definitely not plain sailing. I suffered from high blood pressure and got pre-eclampsia at the end. I've been warned that in another pregnancy, these two things would come back and there's no guarantee that things would turn out as well as they did this time.
DW turned 45 last month. I'm 30. Age is something that concerns my DW and I understand that. We'd want to wait a couple of years to try again and my DW doesn't want to feel too old. It is something that I respect. We're also desperate to move house as where we are now is too small to have a second child. But that means a larger mortgage.. Financially we'd barely be able to afford trying again. 

We are incredibly blessed to have our son. That's enough for me.


----------



## Purple Star (Jun 10, 2011)

Dudders, just want to echo what the others have said and say thank you for writing this post. We did plan to try for a sibling, but as time has gone on have decided against it. I have been blessed with a beautiful son and I'm currently living my dream of being a stay at home mum. What more do I need? Nothing.

If we hadn't had fertility issues, we would probably have had two children, mainly because that seems to be the expectation. But I can hand on heart say I don't feel I'm missing out. We live close to cousins and have an active social life of toddler groups, coffee dates etc, so whilst I'm a bit sad my son won't have a sibling, he still gets loads of social interaction with other little ones. Plus we have lots of one on one time, which I just cherish.

I feel free knowing that there will be no more IVF in our lives, I can just get on and live it with my son and DH.
(Plus I have finally stopped associating my phone ringing with the ARGC calling  )

Thanks again everyone, it's nice to see we aren't alone.

xx


----------



## Stelbud (Feb 8, 2011)

I have found it really refreshing to read this post. I'm feeling really torn at the moment if I'm completely honest. I'm one of 4 and have a great relationship with my siblings and I do feel sad that my son might not get to experience that. On the other hand our life is reasonably comfortable with one,  we do okay financially and have managed to get a bit of a life back. I worry that bringing another child into the equation would create problems that we don't need but don't know if that makes me sound selfish?

As it stands we're just about to start our second FET, I know we would not have had a fresh cycle but the frosties seem a gift so I guess I have to leave it to fate. I think we have this cycle and perhaps one more depending how the frosties defrost this time but part of me wants to draw a line under this attempt if it doesn't work so we can move on and get on with life but I just don't know if I'll regret it if we don't use all the chances we have. 

It's been really helpful reading other thoughts on the matter xx


----------



## chiffchaff (Mar 4, 2012)

I know it's old post now but just wanted to add my support to this thread. I'm concentrating on helping my son develop good social skills and be independent and confident. I've joined the local tennis club in preparation to take him when he's old enough and also take him to football classes. Intend to get him involved in as much sport as possible in order to hopefully be popular at school and make lots of friends so that he isn't lonely because that's the worry with only children isn't it.


----------



## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

I'm sorry but some of the comments on this thread are ridiculous! 

I am an only child, my parents didn't want any more ( they had ZERO fertility issues) and they both have lots of brothers and sisters. 

I need to make this really clear, I was NEVER lonely growing up. 

I NEVER had problems making friends or any social skills problem. 

Growing up I had a lot of friends who wished they were an only child because their parents didn't have the time to spend with them and were always broke because they had more kids than what they could afford.

AND because of the wonderful upbringing I had I now only want one child. 

So please don't think that we "lonely" children are damaged because I personally had a better childhood than a lot of people I know.


----------



## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

I'm REALLY not sure what thread you read because this is being positive about having just one child, whatever our reasons for not having another.  All our children will be happy and well adjusted because we'll raise them that way.  We are far from ridiculous.


----------



## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi

Dudders I agree with you, I see nothing but positivity, raising a an only child, oh we have so much fun, the happiest little boy

He isn't lonely he has lots of friends and is one of the most popular boys in his class 

I see nothing but positivity in this thread 

Donna


----------



## chiffchaff (Mar 4, 2012)

Hi Mrs Peach,

I'm not an only child so I was only guessing what it might be like to be one. It's good to hear you're so happy being one. I must admit I do   at people who try to guess what it's like to be a sister if they don't have one. 

   all x


----------



## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Mrs Peach  - I don't really think it is fair of you to say that other people's comments are ridiculous.  People's  feelings are personal to them and are equally as valid as everyone else's, including yours.  It is good to hear that you were happy as an only child, and the post of the thread was to support others that are happy to have just one child, without feeling that they have to meet the expectation of having a second.


----------

