# Two year old attachment issues!



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi all. Just posting for a friend. And no that is not a line.  My lovely friend has a son of just turned two who has been at home for four months ish. She is really struggling with him. He cries a lot , although more like whinging, he bangs his head off things in frustration, if she ignores him he will stand for ages waiting until he gets too tired.  He likes to play but cries when near mummy, although constantly wants attention. He battles and whimpers over everything, his mummy has tried everything. He cried for three hours once because he didn't like his dinner. She has tried being strict and using firm boundaries, being soft and having lots of 1-1 contact, she has tried a little but of regression therapy. She is worn out and exhausted from it all. Tried to persuade her to come and get some support herself but whether she will or not I don't know. She feels like he hates her(I know that feeling) and that she is a bad mummy cos she can't work him out. I obviously have issues with my dd but she is older, and talks. Just wondered if anyone had any tried and tested tips to help these two out. Please and thanks x x


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

I haven't really got any tips but it may help your friend to know she's not alone! My 2-year old DS did almost everything you've described when we first brought him home. He still whinges and whines a LOT but the head-banging has thankfully stopped. He's been home 8 months now. Things did get better for a little while (after loads of 1 on 1 and getting him in a good routine) but he's recently backtracked a bit and has got whinier again (may just be his age). He's also going through a very defiant stage and his disobedience drives me mad at times. I've had to be a lot firmer with him, which is maybe causing the whininess, but I don't know what's best...as the soft approach doesn't seem to be working for the other behaviours at all.  

The 1 on 1 attention is also so hard to maintain as we have his younger sister too, who also needs loads of attention. Whereas he'll be whiny and needs me to do everything with him (if I leave him for a second he'll shout, "Come here Mummy! Come here!" constantly - or scream until I come back), she has HUGE tantrums (like the 3 hour one you described) over seemingly tiny things - usually food. She fights me on EVERYTHING. Just trying to get her in the buggy or car seat at the moment is a mammoth battle and it can be so embarrassing when we're out in public and she's wailing over everything   

So yeah...she's definitely not alone. I feel like a complete failure as a mummy at times   And it's so hard because I thought I'd be pretty good. I had all these expectations of what it would be like to be a mummy and have kids (good and bad ones) but it's all so far from reality. I thought we were really well prepared but it was a total shock when we first got them home. It took me many months to settle into to it all and even now I have days (sometimes weeks) where I really struggle.  However, despite all that, we do also now have some really good times too (though it took a while before I could say this truthfully). 

I'd love to hear some tips too and will be watching this thread closely. Also, if your friend wants to PM me or anything, I'd love to chat with her xx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Thanks Dandlebean. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have issues with my eldest so can relate somewhat. 
I have tried to get her to access support on here but she is being a pain. Her son is adorable and obviously loves her but as her hv says he is terrified of losing her. She is a fab mummy but as with all adoptions it is ruddy hard work!!!!
I do hope that people write some tips for you both, because 1 the support I had off ff has been amazing and cos my friend is sometimes my only real life support!!! <3

Love to you and hope things improve, you sure have your hands full. Xxxx


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks Frangi    It sounds like your friend has a great support in you and vice versa  

I feel like I should add that things for us are way, way better than they were at 4 months and continue improving week on week, so I'm sure everything will be fine for her too. When you're caught in the middle of it, it's hard to see how it ever could...but please reassure her that it does get better  

We've had a few really good days since I posted, so I'm feeling a lot more positive. It sounds silly, but I've started writing down all the positive things and really stopping to notice the little things. I then put all the scraps of paper in a jar and when I'm feeling lousy, I can read through them and it helps a little. 

The hardest thing for me is feeling like I'm a rubbish mum and that I've inadvertently caused all their behaviour, so she needs to try and focus on her positives too if she's feeling similar. I'm starting to realise a lot of my kids' behaviours are actually because of their personalities. My DD is very, very stubborn, willful and determined - which is great in a way but does mean she likes to get her own way (hence the tantrums). DS has the attention span of a flea, so when he doesn't listen to me, it's usually because he's got distracted by something, rather than being deliberately disobedient. Neither can sit still for a second, which is probably partly due to BM's substance abuse during pregnancy. And of course they were, and probably still are, grieving for their FC and have massive insecurities around that. So when I consider all that, I start to realise that it's probably not all my fault and I just have to keep doing the best I can and not beat myself up too much if I mess up once in a while! xxx


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks for posting  It's good to remember that most of their behaviour is 'normal'! Thank you so much for the tip about not changing my approach...it must be very confusing and I need to remember to be consistent! x

I have looked at lots of websites and read tons of books (including Aha! parenting). The reason I post in this forum for further tips is that adopted children often respond very differently to children who haven't been through similar early traumas. Even children who haven't suffered abuse/neglect still go through the separation from their foster carer(s) and all that they know and love when they are adopted. They also may not have been cared for in utero and the effects of drugs/alcohol can cause all sorts of mental or physical issues. Many adopted children have attachment disorders and this means that certain methods of discipline aren't suitable and that although their behaviour may seem normal, the causes are very different and there may be underlying issues that need addressing differently.

There's also the issue of kids having been raised (until adoption) by any number of carers who probably had very different parenting styles, so the children will already have developed many habits, behaviours and responses that new parents need to understand and possibly unravel. Adoptive parents don't have the benefit of developing/modelling their own parenting style from the very start and need to learn on the job perhaps a bit more than birth parents. We also don't have the benefit of really _knowing_ our kids, especially in the early days. I'm still learning about mine everyday. I know this is the case for birth parents to a certain extent as their children age, but having had a child from birth is very different to having an older child who's spent the first few years of their lives with other people (where you have no idea what went on or how they were cared for).


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Brilliantly put dandlebean xxx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Agree with roonie, wish I could be that articulate when trying to explain the differences with parenting adopted children! X


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## its the hope that hurts (Mar 19, 2014)

Thank you. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Thank you for explaining it so well and your kind reply. Sorry I actually came back to delete because I thought I had intruded about something I basically do not know about.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi 'it's the hope that hurts'

No need to delete your posting   .  In fact it is a useful thread to keep in order to 'educate' non adopters about some of the potential differences between children who have experienced early trauma and 'standard' birth children.  We often hear, especially in early placement 'oh, they all do that' ....., 'well, yes, ... BUT ...'.

You are right, in that the behaviours can look similar to 'terrible twos' etc but they can also have another 'trauma element' to them which can show up in the frequency and intensity of such behaviour.  In addition the original poster mentioned that the child was crying for 'two hours' solid - that is not typical behaviour but it is typical for children with attachment issues.

Thank you for giving us all the opportunity to say this and for receiving the message in a positive way   

Happy Christmas and please leave your post alone   
X


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