# Muttering, musing and wittering...!



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dear darlings...

Had a christmas card off a one time good pal who has clearly had another new addition to her family without bothering to let me or DH know. This will be her third child now - with the first one she kept phoning me until eventually I told her to spit it out about what was bugging her - I hadn't heard much from her then the next thing she's calling me all the time - I guessed it was for her to tell me she was preggers. I think those of us who have had difficulties in the IF almost have a razor sharp antenna which can detect when the conversation will swing that particular way!

Now, I could handle the fact she had gotten preggers, but what I couldn't handle was the way she kept making remarks about how she knew she wouldn't have been able to cope had she been me going through losses and waiting around for IVF treatment all the time, etc etc. Clever old me hadn't told her much about our IVF as I knew she would be a 'serial nightmare' and bug the hell out of me over the whole thing - the last thing you need when you're going through the stresses and strains of tx as many of us here can relate!

Anyway, not long after no. 1 was born she was on the phone again, telling me they hadn't been using any contraception to which I said if she didn't want to catch again so soon she should be careful - this is when I discovered that actually, they already had - and she was phoning me because she wanted to rant about the unfairness of her not being able to enjoy her first child - hello - is this the voice of concern coming from me I wanted to yell? Me thinks NOT you silly woman! I was the last person who wanted to be having that kind of discussion with anyone - especially as it was only a matter of weeks after the loss from the first IVF! Argh! F**k off and speak to someone else about this subject - thank you! LOL!

Today a christmas card plops through the door from her and there is another name added onto the ever growing list - so she's had child no. 3 and this is her way of letting us know there is another addition in their family. Maybe she took a strop when we declined the invite to go to no. 1 and 2's joint christening a few years back? I dunno... I wrote her a letter to thank her for inviting us but as it was merely weeks after the sudden loss of my mum, I really didn't feel up to it. The next communication I had from her almost a year later was to tell me her dad had passed away and 'how awful it had been for her'. I responded with it had been pretty dire for me too, that and a lot of other things - my dear friend passing away suddenly a few months after my mum, then me being taken seriously ill after having emergency surgery for my 3rd ectopic pregnancy. My lungs decided to stop performing properly apparently - I was that out of it I don't really remember most of the details, but it was pretty scary for my poor hubby!

Anyway, DH said that if I were feeling particuarly 'charitable' I could send a christmas card back and add his DD's name on there because he and I know it would drive her up the wall wondering who this 'extra person' was on the card. The jury in my mad and somewhat muddled head is out on that at the moment though - I don't even know if I want to bother my bum replying to her after not hearing from her for a couple of years then discovering she has another kid by crimbo card! Although I have to admit its cracking me up with LOL thinking about the expression on her face if she seen another name added to a card after our own - I think I may add the cats' names on there too for good effect - LOL!

It just goes to prove that often ladies who are in my/our position here live life on the edges of 'normal' society, that because we haven't got kids we are often ostracized from other peoples' lives. DH's family have already shown that - we had our outlaws around here this evening for half an hour (the first time they have stopped by since my birthday in January - should be grateful for small mercies though - LOL) and talked incessantly about their grandchildren - none of whom we have a relationship with, which makes it hard to participate in the conversation somewhat! 

People, huh?      

Love to all

Emcee x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Oh my sweet Emcee, sometimes I wish I could give you a real hug instead of these silly graphics which I refuse to send right now! I have tears in my eyes of I don't know what - anger at this stupid woman and care for you. Ignore this woman, she is not a real friend after all, real friends show a lot more care and sensitivity. I am sorry if this seems harsh, but I think you deserve a lot better as I know you are a woman of real compassion and friendship. Her loss for not valuing you enough to show you some respect. I feel certain that if she had really communicated with you, the differences betwen your fertility circumstances need not have come between you. What I think has actually severed your connection is her dreadful lack of sensitivity. Please put your considerable positive energy into yourself and the people who deserve the special gifts you have to offer. (You know who they are!) *Loads * of love to you. Jq

PS if you cannot ignore her, how about printing my post and the others you will get and pasting them into a Xmas card?!!!!! If you can't do that, at least the idea of her face might make you laugh!!!!
PPS I have another idea! If you really need to send her a card, how about adding all the names of your sisters here? Start with me, jq. Bet you would be welcome to add Hippy, Astrid, Ermey, Pipkin.... (I know I am not using your names in vain girls.....!) Please add more names for Emcee's card here............


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Ouch Emcee. I feel for you and was most amused by jq's suggestion.

Our friends seem to breed like rabbits and the ever increasing number of names on their cards brings into sharp contrast the fact that we're still sending out cards with only two names on it. 

I must admit I've had to resist the temption to just randomly add names to ours for the fun of it and time how long it would take for the phone calls to start!

Hugs to all.

flipper


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## Purdycat (Nov 29, 2006)

Dear Emcee

I really feel for you, this kind of insensitivity and intrusion can make you feel pretty awful sometimes can't it.  Trying to think the best of people, I'd say this friend has maybe tried in her own way to be tactful in letting you know about her pregnancies but been very clumsy and failed big time!  Sounds like she's so wrapped up in her own world she hasn't, as a good friend would, recognised your grief.  Take special care of yourself sweetpea.

From experience, I'd be careful about the extra name on the Xmas card trick.  I put my puppy's name on some of my Xmas cards last year and the thrilled enquiries as to whether I'd had a sneaky baby since they last heard from me and having to say no I hadn't had a baby were jolly painful to say the least!!

Ellie xx

PS Love the mad cat swiping, very good shot!


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi Emcee hun   so sorry to hear of the heartache and anger this friend (?) has caused  , I so related to your comment about at times us feeling like we live on the fringes of normal society!!!! I have always said to my Dh that appart from the dreaded maternal hormones to content with, the second biggest barrier to getting on and coping with this situ is the very real and factual acknowledgement we do end up being excluded from the worlds natural rhythm and life cycle and that is sooooooo very hard. 

I am coming to realise that no matter how much I wish and hope non IF friends might become more educated about our whole world, it really isn't very possible they will ever be able to view it from our eyes and heart, and therefore I am beginning to try the old theory of if you can't beat em join them i.e. I am trying to actively talk to my non IF married friends about their children or impending ones! Some days this is really painful to do but overall for me it is very slowly helping me desensitise just a whisker for when those out of the blue of classic well meaning but hurtful situs and comments do crop up. 

I hope you will find some peace in your heart over this tricky situ and in time you'll know how is the best way for you to deal with this friendship or whether to let it go, whatever is right for you  

HUGE HUGS
Love
Hippy
xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

OMG Emcee!

Your post sounded like it had been written by me!

At this time of year, it was always the Christmas cards that got to me the most.  You know, the friends signing 2 names at the bottom only to go on with 3 and then 4 .......  It hurts so much at the best of times, without "friends" being sneaky like this....

It's a difficult one.  When my IVF failed last september, I got a Xmas card from a best "friend" whom I hadn't seen in 1 year (due to her insensitive comments about our tx/possible adoption plans)  Like you, I wanted to send her one back with 3 names at the bottom, to make her think we'd had triplets through IVF!!!!  In the end, I was hurting so badly and things were so raw I thought sod it, I'm not replyin to her just to make her feel better and think we are "ok" with each other.  So I didn't bother my ar*e.

I can fully understand your wanting to make her "wonder".  This friend of mine send me another card this year (now 2 years since we last saw each other) with her new address - JUST DOWN THE ROAD FROM ME - eek!!!  I sent one back this year just saying, "hope you are all well" and left it at that.  Like you, I think she may just be being nosey to find out if our treatment ever did work ...

My advice would be go with your gut.  Don't think about it too much, don't dwell on it, just do what "feels" right for you now.

It's such a kick in the teeth and for them, it's a trivial matter of adding a name to a card, they just don't get that for us, it means so much more, it hurts for so long and drains us of so much energy.

Try not to let this girl get to you too much (hard I know) and focus your energies on the ones that REALLY care hun ...

Good luck whatever you decide to do,
All my love
Gill xo


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Emcee xxxxx
Huge hugs to you, I really feel for you! What an insensitive person this sounds like, with friends like that who needs enemies as they say! I want to send you a huuuugggggeeeeee

(((((HUGGGGGGGG)))))))))))  

Christmas cards can be so painful for us IF girls. A lovely friend of ours constantly sends us photos of her beautiful kids. This year in her card after telling us about her kids antics she put 'Hope 2007 brings you what you wish for, mines a dog'. I am feeling very sensitive right now and it seemed really ironic, and painfu!!!! 
Can't imagine how painful it is for you for someone to be so insensitive to your own pain and awful times (can't believe how much you've been through, sweetie, I hadn't realised   )

Hope this suggestion doesn't offend, but is it time to assess how positive this friendship is for you? In my view, if a friendship causes you more pain then pleasure then its no longer a true friendship, more of a painful duty. In view of this, I would suggest that you cross her name off your Christmas Card list altogether and no longer worry about staying in touch. That sounds so callous! I don't mean it to be, but I think as times gone on I've learnt the hard way that sometimes friends that once understood you and shared things and feelings in common do, sadly, grow away from you as your lives take different paths. Its very sad but a fact of life and nothing to feel guilty about. 

I recently lost touch with a once good friend who has now moved to France. She was a really close friend at one time, although she had the upper hand in the relationship slightly if you know what I mean. Anyhow, once she moved to France the only time she ever emailed me was to say that she was going to be in the U.K in 2 or 3 days time....never enough notice for us to see her, and she kind of expected us to drop everything! Anyhow, I emailed her to explain about the IF, and her response was (I quote)  'never mind there's always IVF and adoption. plenty of ways to get little feet in your house!'.  I tried to stay in touch for a while after, but every communication just seemed to bring more pain and misunderstandings. Eventually I stopped emailing soon after, as she just couldn't seem to understand the pain of infertility, and the reality that IVF isn't a mircale cure, like popping a magic pill. She hasn't ever chased me to catch up so I feel that this friendship just ran its natural course.

Sorry for wittering hopelessly. trying to say that I can empathise with you, and want to protect you from a 'friend' who seems to think friendship is a one way street! Emcee you are too brave and good a person to have to put up with people that don't truly appreciate you.   

lots of love
Ermey
xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Emcee
MY if that is what a friend is??ummm!!
Well i have to say something? Does she do this on purpose? does she do it to irritate and upset you?
Or maybe, just maybe she wants to send you a card because it is Xmas and you are still in her thoughts? but i have to question where her loyalties and friendship actually lies?
Maybe taking up your hubby suggestion and adding the cats on the list is a good idea...but i have to really swing to what JQ says and that is putting your energies into other good meaningful things in your life.
I am so so sorry but i do have a habit or tendency to Ooooops drop them straight in the bin. Say a few choice words and say goodbye to them mentally, because i don't need them in my life. You could say that this is mean because they did send a card. However i couldn't forget the time when i needed my friend most? and the question and answer to that Emcee, is she was never there in the first place?
Failing that i probably would use the card to wipe any tea or coffee marks on the table or just to put a cigarette out on (even though i don't smoke). Or maybe i would cut the card up into a Xmas tag and use it for the Outlaws Pressies that you could buy for this year! You know lovely pressies, that they would know that you mean alot to them like Fruit Jellies or Sugared Almonds  ?.Its great because you can recycle the card and atleast it was put to good use. Your Outlaws will also get the hint that you think alot of them also  ...
Ummm i am quite pleased with myself........i think i may put this into practice. Oh yeah there is always Origami....
Keep in there Emcee you are strong to have gotten this far...
lots of love astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

My lovely Astrid,

You put it so well, re binning the card and even better - cutting up and using it to wipe stains off the table!!  FAB!!!   

Loving it!!!  LOL!!!    

xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Astrid you are hilarious!!!!!!!!!


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Astrid, you really should start a top tips thread you know  

You're a lot more civilised than me - I think after careful deliberation I may wipe my bum with it! LOL!  

Thanks so much ladies, I didn't expect any replies - it was so lovely to read all your messages  

Love,
Emcee x


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