# The egg donor route - one woman's experience.



## roze

Dear all,

I hope that this is not an insensitive post but I feel I wanted to speak candidly about this issue, having wished that someone had spoken straight to me a few years ago.  I do hope no one takes offence or thinks I am being smug and preaching. This is not intended at all. 

I just wanted to say that having a few years ago made the decision to go down the donor route I have no regrets whatsoever.  It did however take me a while to get there as I resisted the idea for some time. After all, everyone wants ' their' baby that will look like them. After several treatments abroad with donor eggs  I am now 21 weeks pregnant and all looks well with the baby due in June.

There are many of us on the abroadies, ttc abroad threads who are over 40 and who have had success however this does also take time and it has taken me almost 3 three years  to achieve a clinical pregnancy via a donor. There are other wonderful women who are still pursuing their dream.

The opinion of some of us is that the decision to accept the need to go to donor tx involves a ' grieving' process' that seems to follow a certain pattern for most people.

When I was having ' normal' IVF I was advised to consider a donor but thought the whole idea repulsive. After all, my mum had me when she was 46, so surely I must be able to do the same?
Unknown to me I was already going through that grieving process and decided at the end that there was a clear choice between having my own genetic child, with all the various risks that this entails,  having no child at all, or pursuing the donor route.  I started off on the latter route feeling very sceptical and to be honest not entirely accepting of the position. I went to counselling in the UK and lied about how positive I was feeling about the donor route.  I did in fact felt very cheated and resentful  towards my partner having a greater chance of carrying on his genes whilst mine were zero. 

This view changed over time.  I now think it is an increasingly common and normal method of conception. If it wasn't it simply would not work. The human body can very readily accept the eggs from another woman, unlike a lot of other human tissue donation which can be rejected by the body. 

At this moment in time my view is that , having travelled the world looking for 'my baby', my ' donor egg' baby is the ones meant for me.

The donor process is now more difficult in the UK due to 'supply' hence many of us go abroad.  There are of course many issues about clinic standards and ethics about payment to donors, all of which isn't helped by the many uninformed articles in the UK press,  but I have found that the two I have been to have been excellent.

If anyone wants to find out more, please check out the treatment abroad threads on this website for further info and sharing of experiences.


roze


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## SUSZY

Dear Roze
Thank you so much for posting that messge and congratulations on your pregnancy.
I have been thinking about the egg donor route since the end of Nov when my consultant brutally told me IVF genetic testing which is very expensive and no gurantees due to eggs being old or donor eggs abroad as none in the UK.  
It is really helpful to read your comments and thoughts and thanks for sharing this with us.
i have also pmd you
thanks
susie


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## janeup

Dear Roze
Your message is a really encouragement to those of us considering or going down the DE route which I am. I have had misgivings about it ever since we decided that we would literally be donating money to our IVF hospital in london with my own eggs. We are going to IVI Valencia in Spain and will be cycling with them this March. I heard somewhere that the mothers womb has an enormous effect on the baby whilst in its womb and the genes. Follow this thread below for more information. 
I wish you well in your pregnancy. Keep in touch.
Jane

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=79093.0


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## Amaunet

Dear Roze,

What an amazing posting. I too am 45 years old, and until recently I thought I could do IVF with my own eggs. I was so fit -  I run every day, I do resistance training, I am toned and apparently I don't look my age! How could I possibly not succeed, I was so used to getting whatever I wanted, I'm one of those overdriven types. Failure was not something I was familiar with, that was until I did IVF. 

My grieving process involved dealing with feelings of intense rage and incomprehension. How could I not be good at something I had put every effort and a lot of money into? I had chosen an internationally  renowned IVF specialist and it did not work for me, I don't think I could have done more. Mother Nature has not moved with the zeitgeist, women do not drop dead at around 50 these days, and our fertility should have extended through the centuries to reflect our health and lifestyles. Why should women be penalised for concentrating on career? We should be able to have career, lifestyle, and children, if and when we want them. I believe that we should be able to have it all.

What I find so cruel about IVF is that you don't control the outcome. The outcome is not based on your ability to do anything, if only it were, it would be so easy then. Anyway, I moved on to accepting the fact that I will have to use a donor egg if it is to succeed for me. Initially I thought of it as "second best", but I am changing my opinion on this, it will be my husband's child afterall.

I will have to go abroad to have the DE IVF, and am currently organising this. There are so many issues to consider. We are fortunate that in this country we have the HFEA to regulate the industry. It is hard when you are going somewhere where there is no equivalent regulatory body. You have to rely on your judgement and any fortuitous feedback from the treatments abroad section.

All the best to you.


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## MrsBunny

Roze
Thanks for writing your story. It will be very useful for everyone who is over 40 and trying to decide what to do. I especially like the bit where you say it must be ok to conceive via a donor egg because the body does not reject it like it would do other tissue that has been transplanted.

I am currently waiting for a donor at Ceram in Spain and I too went through a 'grieving process' followed by one of renewed hope when reading other peoples experiences of having a baby using a donated egg. At first I couldn't get my head round it but the more I read, the more I got used to the idea - after all, a baby that is wanted is special, no matter who the biological parents are. Also, with me, it is my DH that has not got children (I have 2 dd's). The most important thing we want is to be a family and having a baby this way (hopefully) makes no difference to that wish. I didn't even have any IVF with my own eggs as we felt we didn't want to take that risk and 'waste time'. 

Like Amaunet I do feel it's unfair that if women leave it too late they can be unsuccessful at ttc, even if they are really healthy. The way the world is today, women are encouraged to do whatever they want and 'have it all' but this is very difficult and obviously things sometimes get left along the way as we get carried along by life and all its ups and downs.

But like Jane, I've grown to realise that carrying a baby while it grows and then being there for the child are the most important ways of defining the term 'mother'.

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy and hello to everyone else xx


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## roze

Dear all,

Just to say that I think  most European countries do in fact have regulation similar to the HFEA although I don't know the full  details; the EU Tissue Directive exists for one.  I'm not an expert but from experience countries such as Spain and the Ukraine have fairly tough regulations on donor tx and standards of care , ethics and professionalism. Other threads on this site may help here.

Best of luck,


roze


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## Cotswold Girl

Roze,

Thank you for posting such a positive post about DEs. 

The fact you will have carried your baby for 9 months is what makes it your child and the love it will know will place it in no doubt who the real mother is. 

I hope you continue to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. DE is something my DH and I are considering and reading encouraging posts like yours makes all the difference as the prospect of having to go abroad to do IVF scary!

CG x


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## Leaf

Roze, 

I'm new here and it's very good to read your post. I'm about to go in for the DE process and I do feel positive about it because my sister has done it and I've seen how well it's worked out. But maybe because of that I didn't expect to feel depressed going into it and it's a shock - it must be the grieving process you mention. I have no idea how to deal with it, but so far I've been very snitty with my partner and it's not his fault. I suppose it will just go away over time - I don't know if there's anything I can do.

Love and good luck!

xxLeaf


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## mashie

roz - thank you so much for your lovely words of encouragement - i am about to embark on my final ivf after which if it doesnt work  i am seriously considering donor eggs 

i am really blessed with my  baby  girl from ivf using own eggs - but the fact is if the clinic came along to me now and told me there had been a mix up with my eggs and my baby wasnt produced with my eggs  i would never want to give her up - all a bit hypothetical but its the only way i can think of it 

i think that it must be a hard decision to make until you have reached the point of knowing there is no hope with your own eggs - but faced with adoption or egg donor to me it is a fantastic option we have at our stage in history - at least you have the choice , and if it isnt for you , hopefully the choice gives you an element of peace  when a lot of other choices have been taken away from us 

best of luck to all of you who may try it 
and good luck with the pregnancy roz  

mashie xxx


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## janeup

roz gave birth to a little girl the other day: if you want to read her beautiful posting about her daughter here it is. Roz - I hope you don't mind me sharing your experience with this thread. I think it is wonderful what you have written and I think will be a great encouragement to those thinking of the egg donation route.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=91753.135


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## leigh1017

Hi all ,

i have had no choice but to start with the donor process , my only reservation on this was that it would never be fully mine , i soon started to realise that the egg you are being given is just a seed that is being planted and your womb will nurture it and mould it , there is no other feeling in the world knowing what lengths you will go to to fulfill your dreams ... unfortunately after 2 years the hospital i am under has now decided to tell me my donor (who is my best friend ) is no longer suitable, this has actually taken them 8 weeks to decide this after the last lot of medication didn't prodcue enough embryos ... so my search for a new donor begins, but i just do not know where to start ... any one that has any links or sites i can look at i will be ever so grateful


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## Oceana

If you look at the different countries listed as a part of this forum you will find that some countries (such as Greece, Russia, Chec. Rep, ) are very affordable and often don't have any wait for donors. I have decided to go to Serum in Greece which gets a lot of rave reviews in the a greece section. There they can look to match your characteristics ( such as blood type, eye and hair colour etc)  to that of a donor.


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## SallyAnn2010

What an inspiring post - thank you!

I was in tears reading the link to the post where you talk about your feelings for your daughter when she was born!

I am just starting out on all this, at 44, and it's embryo donation for me. 

SA x


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## kizzymouse

Beautiful inspiring post Roz, congrats   

I also went down the donor embryo route after 8 failed treatments - now I nearly have my daughter in my arms    She is ours for sure no matter how we got her - without me ( and my DH agreeing to doing this ) she might never have came into being.

I will always think of her as my little miracle and can't wait to meet her in a few weeks


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## Florence38

Hi - I hope you don't mind me posting on here as I'm not yet 40 but will be in August so not long to go!  I sometimes lurk on this board and today I got a positive email from a friend, saw the title of your thread and thought I would post it in case it gives anyone hope. 

My friend is 49 and has been ttc for 7 years.  She has been told by many consultants that everything is ok and despite her age she is still producing healthy eggs - her DH is also ok.  She tried various treatments and after a few unsuccessful attempts on the IVF route her and her DH made the decision to go down the donor egg route.  She went to Cape Town for her treatment in December, all went well and she told me this morning she is 6 weeks pregnant.  I know very early days but I just wanted to post this to say don't give up hope!


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## Helen3

Thanks Florence.
Great to hear your friend's news, particularly because I am a similar age & have been ttc for a similar amount of time..DE next for us no doubt.


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## AliG63

Hello Helen3 and other ladies,
Just to say I and my dh totally recommend the DE path. Although we failed 1st time- I became pregnant but sadly miscarried at 7 wks- we are going to try again. We were treated so well during the ET and couldn't fault the professionalism of the  medical team. We have an excellent clinic in Spain, Valencia- CREA with committed, efficient and helpful staff-  Just got to keeping trusting and hoping. haven't we all?  All the best ladies! 
Ali xx


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## Oceana

Hi Ali,
Sending you my best wishes, I'm sure it is only a matter of time for you, glad to see you have found a clinic that you like. I get to see Serum very soon, hope its all that everone says it is


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## AliG63

Hi Oceana,
Thanks. Good luck for Serum. We're a bit complicated as I've got a cyst that may have to be removed (if it's a dermoid) but as they think it's prob not, we probably won't have to. (!)  Its a bit complicated but they've got me on a waiting list for a laparoscopy to have it out if it's a dermoid, if it isn't we can go straight ahead with second DEIVF. All in all, a bit of a pain. but trusting it's part of the journey.
Best of luck for you too. Serum is highly recommended isnt it?
Ali xx


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## Oceana

Hi Ali,
I wasn't aware dermoid cysts cause an issue. I had one removed a few years back, I still have one left but the picture from the laparoscopy shows a normal shape so they couldn't tell exactly where it was without poking around so they left it and just removed one on the other side.
Yes Serum has a good reputation of identifying and fixing issues for women that have tried elsewhere.
I'm hoping for me it will be very straight forward. Though DH who never gets sick has been coughing and been sick all week and now he has past it on to me. Told him his timing isn't great!
Anyway not long now.


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## AliG63

Hi Oceana,
Yes they told us a dermoid is more problematic, and needs keeping an eye on. The registrar we saw said I should really 'have it out' as it can give off chemicals, and 'has been known to interfere with IVF'. But ironically we saw our OB Gynae Consultant on Friday, and , even though she's booked us for a laparoscopy, she said it wasn't that important, and that we could go ahead with the IVF transfer with our clinic, and have it removed after I'd had the baby! So, def mixed messages there!! 
Do hope it goes well for you in Feb. We're sticking with the same clinic, as everybody has advised us to do that, as they know me, and it''ll be a lot quicker too. Hopefully we'll be out there by April/May.
Yes my dh has a cold/cough. and don't I know it!!   Manflu, aint it great?!!  
love Ali xx


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## Oceana

Hi Ali,
I've looked into the dermoid cyst I have still about 3 times and the impression I get is that it can be left for the time being dependent on size. Mine isn't large and hasn't grown any more in the last three years and since digging around for it would of created scar tissue and reduced the capability of the ovary at a time when I was doing own ivf it was left alone. Was briefly discussed again. When went to DE but doesn't seem to be a priority to my consultant.
DH felt better for one whole day after I woke up with the flu (the joy of passing it on) though a day later it's all back again.


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## AliG63

Hi Oceana,
Yes a dermoid cyst can be left. A junior doctor we saw said ordinarily they'd have you in every 3 mths just to keep an eye on it. and our Ob Gynae Consultant was pretty laid back about it. said 95 % of cysts are benign. Think you're right that it does depend on the size as to how concerned they are and whether it's a potential problem or not.
Anyway, best of luck. and hope you get over the flu sn. I'm trying keep out of his way so I don't get it 
Ali xx


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