# Confused - can't figure out what I want anymore - need helpful advice



## Amy2011 (May 27, 2011)

This is a long one ...

It's been 2.5 weeks since my BFN and my head feels like it's spinning with indecision. During our IVF treatment I'd said to my DH that this is it, I only want to do this once, if it doesn't work I'll move on and accept that we are 3. At the time I was serious and level headed and felt that either way this would be closure for all the years spent trying and i felt we could then have no regrets, get on with our life and start living again. I remained super positive the whole time, which is really unusual for me as I'm pretty pessimistic and I was convinced it'd work. We did everything, all the immune drugs and more so there was no question of what if we'd done something differently. So when it didn't work I was devastated, literally floored, I couldn't believe it. I guess the only saving grace was that I had to get on with Christmas, I was hosting, it's my favourite time of year and I had to be happy for my DS. So I drowned my sorrows and instead of accepting this as the end, started dreaming of adoption as I couldn't face going through ivf again, spending all our savings again with the propect of going through another BFN but still yearned for number 2 so wasn't ready to give up on the notion of no more kids.  

After reading up loads on adoption and looking at lots of options and then talking to family we've come to the conclusion that adoption is not for us. I started reading other boards on ff and found a list of all the positive reasons to just have the one child. A friend of mine said "3 is a good number" and that's really stuck with me as well as another friend who is an only child saying that it never did her any harm and she was always happy had everything she ever needed and was very sociable as a result. Also meeting up with friends with 2 reminded me of the noise, chaos and fighting 2 can bring, although their age gaps are small in comparison to our prospect it made me feel that actually my life is good and a lot easier than theirs. It helped take the 'want' out of the equation. The other thing is that my DS is happy being an only child. He gets on very well with younger children but never asks for a sibling so it's really just me wanting one. I'm not sure about my DH. He's an only child and was very close to his cousin so never wanted another sibling. He said he would have liked one but that it didn't matter to him. He is very happy with DS and just wants me to be happy. He'll pretty much do anything I want, within reason  

I gave up work literally a day before my DS was born, that was over 5.5 years ago and havent worked since.  I always thought I'd have at least 2 children and didn't want to go to back to work in case I fell pregnant. I never imagined I'd be trying for over 4 years. So again I'm left with the decision to give up on tx and try to start up a business on my own or put that on hold and continue. I can't go back to what I was doing, nor do I want to.

We had our review with our consultant yesterday and he was surprised and disappointed it hadn't worked. Not much of a consolation especially as I found out the other 2 women having their transfers at the same time became pregnant - why did I ask! He gave us a 50% chance of success if we tried again and said there wasn't anything different that we could do. We were pretty much textbook and the embryologist had confirmed that the blasts although early stage were really good quality they just didn't implant. It's the only 
stage that they have no control over and where it's really just up to God. They can't tell us why it didn't work. We were told to continue to try naturally and that I could have an opp to look inside my womb to see if there are any problems there as well as another hycosy to see if my one tube is still patent, but that if we wanted to try another ivf cycle we should do it within the next 3 months whilst the humira hopefully is still working, which is up to a maximum of 6-7 months, so I have a deadline as I am definitely not paying for another course of it.

My issue is that each day I want something different. After my review yesterday and being given a 50% chance of success I felt I wanted to try again. Also my DH was keen, which surprised me as I thought we'd just about accepted it'd be the 3 of us. I got a sense that maybe he really wants another. I know our communication is not great... I tried talking to him last night to figure out what he really wants and he says it's up to me as I'd have to go through all the injections etc. so he wouldn't want to make me do it but he'd always thought we'd have to do ivf 3 times before it'd work. Hmmm. If we had loads of money I wouldn't think twice but we don't. We're comfortable now but it'll be a squeeze with more and if we had twins we definitely wouldn't be able to send them to private school like my DS so this is a real issue to think about. 

Anyway today I'm not sure I want to have another child. Am I completely crazy? It's not that I can't face another round of tx although I swore I'd never do it again, it's a bit like childbirth you block it out and are ready to face it again. It's just that we're passed the baby stage and I'm enjoying being able to read the newspaper, go out, sleep most nights without be woken up etc. But when I see a baby I want one. I want to be hugged again and feel that intense love. I get hugs off my DS but they're like 2 seconds and not the same. Ive got two dogs and one of them is more like a baby than a dog, she lies on her back and sleeps in my arms, i get more affection from her than both my DS and my DH! However when I spend time with 3 year 
olds I think arghhh and it reminds me what hard work it was and kind of puts me off. I love looking at them but the screaming tantrums are something else. Then again I can barely look at a pregnant woman or a woman pushing a pram or pushchair, it's just too painful. I tend to do tunnel vision now when I go out. My hormones must be driving me crazy! I just can't figure out what to do, but don't have the luxury of time to figure it out. If you've managed to get to the end of this saga I'd appreciate any advice! 

Thanks, Amy


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Hi Amy
I am so sorry about your bfn and you really sound and I can see that you have been through such a lot.
The first thing I would like to say is that you have come to the right place and ff saved my life in many ways when I was going through all my tx. I am sure the mod will welcome you soon and I have not posted on here for a few years yet some messages still come into midway in box and I feel ESP now I have a new iPad and it's easier compelled to reply to you. I also want to say everything that you are thinking and feeling is perfectly normal. 
If we had the money I would go for another ivf now except in the end I went for de so it's not as simple as that an amazing lady I met on here called Angela donated eggs to me but sadly I miscarried. She donated later to someone else and they had a baby a couple of years ago.  I don't really want to get involved in going back over all that now yet felt I just wanted to say hi to you and to wish you well in your decision.
Our doggy has made our family more complete and is like ds's sibling and like you say they give such a lot of love and sounds like you are covered in that department too. I have lots more to say but for now will sign off wishing you well
Take care love. Suszy


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## Amy2011 (May 27, 2011)

Hi Suszy, thanks for your message and reassurance that I'm not totally nuts. I have to confess that FF is very much my therapy and the only way I'm able to cope. I don't really have anyone I can truly talk to as no one really understands. My family don't get it and think I should just move on. My mum already has 5 grandchildren so she's not keen on any more although she'd like another girl as there are 4 boys - not very helpful. My mother in law is clueless about the whole process of ivf and would love more grand children as my DS is and will be her only one but she honestly has no idea of the cost and emotional as well as physical side of tx. She was so shocked it hadn't worked, so again not helpful. Anyway it's great to have a place to express my thoughts. I'm so sorry to see all the heartache you've been through and losing your first dog too, it's just not fair. Take care, Amy


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

hi Amy
It's quite strange coming back on here and reading my profile was quite a shock to see how much we had been through to be honest time is a good healer although I am often reduced to tears if have a drink and talk about it. When people seay i spoil the dog i say well she is my baby and has made up for 3mcs and another dog and they usually back off?, actually i Had to update my profile as when last posted Lola was still alive. Luckily someone upstairs sent misty to us who is very loving and is great comfort to all of us.  I am sure you will go round and round and up and down before you get your answers, I would suggest you go to the 2ndry daily chat thread and forge some friend ships that way as it does really help to share. I used to post on several and spend a lot of time perhaps too much. Also if there is anyone in your area that you could actually meet up with that helps too. I have just posted on ** too and one of the first replies i got Was from someone I met on here. A lot of people in the outside world don't understand


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## Amy2011 (May 27, 2011)

Thanks Suszy, time is a great healer I know, I guess I just need to throw myself into something different to distract myself. If only we could see into the future it'd be so much easier to deal with and accept what will be will be. I'm such a Gemini, I find it so hard to figure out what I want, each day is different from one extreme the other x


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## louisoscar (Jan 28, 2010)

Dear Amy


I couldn't read and not reply to your post because we are in such similar situations! 


Firstly I am very sorry that you have had to go through so much so far and have suffered losses and BFN's along the way. I know how hard it is to keep going and I totally understand your confusion as part of you wants to quit and just get on with life yet the other part still feels there is a piece missing from the family you dreamed of. Whilst you are getting your life back with a 5 year old there is also that sense that you will never experience the baby stages again and that for me leads to a big sense of loss and at times, grief. I too find it really hard to be around anyone who is pregnant or has a newborn.


We are similar in so many ways! I am 36 and have a son who is 5. I had an ectopic after him and had my tube removed and after that I had a miscarriage whilst on clomid. After the miscarriage I took clomid again for 9 more cycles but all were BFN and in the end I was turning into a mad woman! We have since tried IVF 2 fresh and one frozen cycle but all BFN and have been trying in total for 4 years. The thing is if this had all come easily to us we would never really question ourselves so much whether we do or don't want a child, we would have just 'got on with it' because that's what 'normal' people do. I have lost count how many people have said they didn't think about whether to have no.2 3 or 4 whereas we have soooo much time to analyse every feeling and thought to death! For the record, unlike you there are not many days where I don't think I want another child but there definitely are days when I see people struggling with more than one and feel happy that my life is more simple and easier. The thing is, like with labour you start to forget the difficult things and just remember all the joy they bring.


We too have thought about adoption but haven't gone into it too deeply yet as I'm not quite ready to give up on a biological child. You seemed pretty sure that you would only do one round of IVF and I am just wondering why that is as they say 3 is the magic number... I'm not trying to persuade you to try again but just to let you know that it is so normal to need more than one round of treatment before success. However I'm sure you know all that and it could be for financial reasons so I'll just stop.. I know however how much it takes over your life especially with a child already in the house and you were probably just desperate to get back to normality. You are also still all over the place hormonally as it isn't that long since treatment finished so be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve the loss of this cycle before beating yourself up about what steps to take next. 


We are having a 'break' from IVF at the moment and trying the breast cancer drug Letrazole (femara) to induce ovulation and using a trigger shot to ensure it happens.  This will be for about 4-6 months before we go back to trying IVF again at a new clinic. I've always had a good response to the drugs etc and produced good embies just none of them have stuck! I have decided that I will continue until the end of the year and do up to 2 more IVF's before calling it a day. Once I'd come to terms with our last failed IVF where we had 2 blasts put back I started living again for a bit until I started taking the femara and everything came flooding back; doctors, blood tests, vaginal scans etc. I've really had enough of it and feel like there is very little chance of it working now anyway. Up until now i've always had positivity to keep me going but I've lost it somewhere along the way.


I worry alot about ds being 'sociable' enough and even today at school his teacher said to me he is often in 'his own little world' and doing things at his own pace which I immediately put down to the fact that he is an only child. I'm always the one who arranges play dates as I don't want him to be lonely and have to make an effort on holidays etc to make sure he is near other kids. People with siblings don't worry about that so much especially when the children are older because there is always another child to play with. I also worry a lot about him being alone when we grow old and die.


I don't think I am helping you very much here but just wanted you to know you are not alone with these thoughts and feelings, mine are constant. I also find it incredibly hard to relay these feelings to friends and even when I say them to hubby they just sound whiney and feeble and like I'm not happy for all the things I DO have. Here is definitely the best place to let it all out and I for one am so relieved to have found someone else in the same situation I am in!


I wish you luck but most of all peace of mind in whichever direction you decide to go. This is the hardest thing I've ever been dealt in life but I won't let it beat me and hope you won't either.


Alys xxx


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## Amy2011 (May 27, 2011)

Hi Alys,

Just logged on for a quick peek and saw your msg, haven't got time to properly respond at the mo, but will do as soon as I get a chance.  Just wanted to say thanks and look forward to chatting with someone whose in a similar boat to me   x Amy


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## Amy2011 (May 27, 2011)

Hi Alys,

Me again, sorry to hear you've lost your positivity, but I'm sure you'll get it back once you're on your mission. At the moment, we've decided to do another round of ivf starting LP as soon as I get my AF, which I'm still waiting for, day 30 today... Endless waiting, I don't hold up any hope of getting a natural BFP as it's been so long since my last one, I think my remaining tube is either blocked or the hairs just don't work, but you never know. We're planning on doing a hycosy (saline scan) to check whether it's patent and hopefully also check my womb to see if it looks ok before we start everything. I wouldn't mind having a hysterascopy but my insurance won't pay for it and it's more than twice the cost of the hycosy so we're going with the cheaper option. 

TBH I'm not really looking forward to another ivf cycle but I just want it over with so want to get on with it.  We've got to do it ASAP as it would enable a potential last cycle before June/ July when my immune drugs wear off, so that's our deadline for the end of tx.

With all the problems you've had, have you considered immune testing? It may be your answer to why? I actually asked to have the tests done before my first ivf as I had a gut feeling things weren't right. Have you read Alan Beers book, it's something like 'is my body baby friendly?' - can't remember the exact title but it's really good despite being a bit out of date now tx wise.

When my DS was going through the terrible twos I was worried he'd never learn to share, not having any siblings, so we got our first dog, which was great in that he was no longer the centre of the universe and it gave him a playmate. 2 years later I got another puppy to compensate for my lack of babies, this time my longed for little girl who means the world to me and is probably why I'm no longer as desperate as I was for another child.

Our only children are really lucky in that we have the power to arrange play dates with children they like (a lot of siblings hate each other). Playmates can then leave so that our children can play with their toys without sharing or being interrupted by younger siblings. They also get undevided attention. Don't worry about your DS, honestly I bet he's happy having you all to himself and the fact that he can entertain himself is a godsend    Must dash x A


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