# Struggling - new here- bit long!



## tuck (Oct 12, 2007)

Thought I would say hello over here as not really sure where I fit in.

Am lucky enough to have been blessed with a DS (3) who is the light of my life, don't know where I'd be without him.  Have been ttc his little sibling for last 15 months.  I'm 36 years old.

During this time I have had a tubal ectopic w r tube removed and a cornual ectopic right side??!! with top portion of womb removed.  I have lost 2 much wanted babies and lost parts of myself both physically and mentally. 

I do so want a sibling for my little boy but am not sure how much more I can take.  My problem does not seem (up to yet) to be getting pregnant but it is getting it in the right place so that my life is not at the risk and the baby doesn't have to be removed.

Following a consultant appt where i was told that if i did ever get preg in right place i would have a risk of uterine rupture so would need to be delivered by caesarian early,I have lost all confidence in my body to do the right thing and just feel like accepting that its not meant to be.  Until later that day when I feel I must try again.

How do you go on?? I don't want my baby yearning to eclipse these precious years with my toddler.  How do you cope with friends (with babies same age) announcing 2nd, 3rd babies etc.  I had one today (1st try ttc) and i cried all afternoon.  I feel so selfish as I have already been blessed with a child, I know how wonderful it can all be and what I'm missing not to mention the fact that with 1 everywhere I go  there are bumps and babies.  I never thought i would be treading this path as my 1st conception and pregnancy was relatively straightforward ( i know i am extremely lucky) and I had no reason to believe it wouldn't happen again.

Just needed to get that off my chest and to say hi.

Tuckx

ps also got the when you having another one comments at a New Years party which i had to bat away - i resent telling people prying into my personal life.  It really upset me.


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## faithfullyhoping (Nov 22, 2007)

Hi Tuck

Welcome to the secondary board.  I'm so sorry about your two lost babies and the problems that it has created for you, it must be devestating for you. There are lots of people on this board who have experienced loss as well who you can chat with.

My problem is in getting pregnant in the first place, I've been trying for 3 years with not so much as a late period! My dd was conceived without any problems, in fact she was a surprise so this infertility thing has been a bit of shock !

I think everyone finds the whole pregnant friends thing really difficult, it's so hard to see everyone else completing their family when you only have a big empty space.  I think it's particularly hard when they are toddlers as you're spending a lot of time at toddler groups etc when how many children you have / are having seems to be the only thing that anyone is interested in! Personally I've found that a bit easier to deal with since dd has been at school.

Anyway I hope you find some solace in chatting with others on this board, I've only been here a couple of months but I've found it helpful to know that there are others in the same situation as me.

Lots of  

Faithful


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

dear tuck
So sorry to hear about your lost babies and all the heartache you have experienced- its not easy but this web site really does help as we all feel the same.  Please come over to the 2ndry IF chat as we all share the same experiences re others getting pregnant around us.
I am so lucky and have got pregnant by using a donor egg and still cannot believe my luck in being in this position and although I am overjoyed - I am still concered over m/c after having two and my brain just does not seem to get it that I am pregnant and the pain of four years of watching everyone else have baby after baby around me and feeling left out at parties and being excluded from events because I only have one will never go away.  I found it esp hard when by ds went to school and watched everyone else strolling off laughing and joking with their second ones carrying on the lives and the one I wanted - i tried going to stuff at first but it just got too painful. I felt excluded and neglected.   Obviously now I am preg its great and I owe so much to my donor Angela that I met on here but I do so remember the pain and I dont want to desert all the friends as I do remember those feelings and infertility became very much a part of my life.  good luck sweetheart and pop over and see us there is a great bunch of girls.  
there is also a recent post on here from one of the girls that used to post and she is feeling low again so you could post on her thread.  good luck and take care.
I was just about to post when I noticed faithfulllyhoping had (she is a fellow secondary chat girl!) she has just put the opposite re school saying she found it easier - I think for me I saw people I thought were close friends and whom I had done lots with go off and leave me as it were and a lot of the groups that had become my life I was the only one with only one child and they all seemed to slip away too - i dont suppose it helps when we are feeling down and there is no one to talk to about it
susie


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## tuck (Oct 12, 2007)

Hey thank you both so much for your responses, it means alot.  There are sadly so many people suffering through thisl.

I am absolutely dreading ds going to school if I haven't managed to get pg successfully by then.  It will seem like there is a huge void and I will have to really rethink so much.  I currently feel my life is on hold re. jobs house move etc as I don't know what will happen.  The only good thing about that is I think is my group of friends are all beginning to split now with the kids all going to different schools so that may hopefully make things a bit easier.

Faithfully hoping - I'm sorry you have had no luck in getting pg, here's really hoping that 2008 will be your year, my friend is about to start iui (just reading from your signature).

Suszy - thank you for your lovely words and I am pleased to hear that you are now pregnant it is wonderful news and I hope everything goes well.

Well I'm sure I may pop up on the chat post - is it the one for daily messages you mean?

Thanks again

Tuckxx


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hi Tuck,
Welcome aboard. You will find comfort and support from the ladies here. The daily messages is the chat board, yes.
I could have written your feelings and emotions myself, as we so often find with each other on this board!! I'm sorry you are going through this, so frustrating when your body seemed to know what to do the first time round perfectly!?
Re school, I don't like the playground much! But it is easier than toddler groups full of newborns, and bumps!!
Really must go, been lurking on here all morning!!!!!
Love Cindersxxx


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## spider (Nov 23, 2003)

Hi tuck
I don't have any advice, I'm afraid. I'm so sorry about your two lost babies. I wanted to just say, have hope. I felt exactly as you do, having a young son (who constantly asked for a sibling) and desperately trying for another. It took over our lives and I do feel that I didn't appreciate my son enough during that time, as ttc was all I could think of. And most of my friends had no2 or even no3 while we were ttc. I just felt I had to try everything I could, and we were also talking about adoption.

Thankfully, we had success with icsi and had a baby girl - who has a few medical problems but is improving all the time. And then 10 months after that, against all odds as dh sperm was unable to even penetrate an egg, I fell pregnant naturally with another girl! I look at them when we are out in the park or sitting at home and still can't believe that they are here. While we were ttc, and for so long, I felt it would never happen, it still feels so surreal. 

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I hope 2008 brings you all you wish for.

s xxxx


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## tuck (Oct 12, 2007)

Thank you spider for your message, hope is something i need to get back and will really try this year.  
I am so pleased to hear about your daughters - what a lovely story.
Thank you for reminding me that there is always hope.

Tuckx


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## surromummyuk (Oct 4, 2007)

there is always hope hun and anyway doctors arent god,having the threat of our fertility being taken away from us is horrible no matter how many kiddos we have,its still a bitter pill to swallow,i sincerely hope you are able to hold that much wanted baby one day,there are many ladies here in a similar position,this is a great place to come for support so congratulations you!youve just taken a huge step by reaching out.....XX


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi tuck, sorry to read of your losses and how you are feeling. some days i am not too bad. i found myself phoning my dh's best friend's wife to wish her congrats at getting pg the other day (although she was not in) but today i feel very different, don't want to see or be anywhere near a pg women, too unbearable. i also feel for you re school - my dd who has just turned 5 started reception about 4 months ago and i am still adapting although it DOES get easier but i do have bad days. if i am walking around a supermarket i notice all the other women with buggy's and i find myself feeling like a single women with no child, i don't like that feeling, i spent all my time with mert for nearly 5 years and for the best part LOVED it, now i am alone but in saying that it can be nice too ie the freedom and being able to do things alone which for a loner which i am i like that in part. the pain of seeing women flanked by more than one child on a bad day creates a pain almost too much to bear. i have got to the stage now where i snap at someone if they patronise me, usually a women who has not had any fertility problems as they are the ones who say all the standard quotes ie have you thought of adoption or at least you have your daughter. i was reading int he mail today about a women of 39 who for MANY reasons couldn't have children just had one so it gives you hope , you should pop down to a newsagent and take a look. i have just turned 43 and feel my time has run out. this was supposed to be my last year ttc although i recently found out i have moderate abnormal cells on my cervix and know that this is going to bugger my ttc plans no end. have appointment at hosp next week, was meant to be yesterday but bloody af came a week early (spotted at first so thought i was pg......) and they cannot do any examinations when af is here, the whole thing STINKS. 
anyway, rant over and i wish you all the best, joxxx


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## tuck (Oct 12, 2007)

Hi there Jo

Thank you for taking the time out to respond to me.  I am sorry to hear of your situation and the fact that on top of it all you have the abnormal smear to contend with .  I had mildly abnormal cells and they went away of own accord, my friend had moderate and had them zapped so hopefully that will be sorted out quickly.

I am amazed at how many of us going through this have exactly the same feelings and thoughts re the whole thing.  What you say sounds all too familiar.  I have spent so much time with my ds, i know have been lucky - had 1 whole year off work, now only work 2 days a week and he is growing up   and like us all just thought i'd be having another now.  I also have huge prob with preg people - there is a girl at work who is a week behind what i would've been now with my 2nd ectopic.  I can't even talk to her it destroys me and that is so not like me.  but still very raw.  Then there is friend who is texting me to say she heard babies  heartbeat at 11 weeks, does she forget I've been pregnant twice and never ever saw anything in right place let alone had the joy of a heartbeat or a blob on a scan - and her with no effort no. 2 on its way - i just can't imagine it. 

Like has been put on this post though there is always hope and age, isn't everything, i take hope from Sophie Wessex  who had an ectopic, had Louise, had difficult birth then couldn't conceive then had ivf which failed and now has a ds naturally and she's 42.  nicole kidman too, miscarriage, ectopic and ttc for years now pg at 40. I will have to see that article in the mail you refer to will get mum to save it.

I hope you can have more good days than bad and start to feel better soon.

Tuckx

suromummy too right about drs playing god, when i was having my 2nd ectopic, naturally i thought they would take away my 2nd tube.  I begged them not to but in the end I was at their mercy and it turned out to be cornual anyway. - it is the most dreadful feeling knowing you do not have the control over your own body and it was because of the surgery for the 1st ectopic and the fact the tubal stump wasn't sealed that I had my 2nd!!!! gggrrrrr


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi again tuck, i hope you don't mind me asking/hope you don't mind talking about it but what is a cornual ectopic? i am sorry you have experienced all this. i had a mc at 9 weeks before i had mert. i had a scan which showed there was no hb, crushed me but i was terribly lucky that i fell pg within a few months after with dd although when i go past, quite regularly, the hospital where i had to have the d&c (i didn't miscarry naturally) i ALWAYS think of the baby that i lost. as for 'friends' who are insensitive when pg, it never ceases to amaze me of their thoughtlessness. i have actually lost a fair few friends over this; i have created a protective vacuum where by i have cut off contact with quite a few friends who have easily gone on to have baby No. 2 as just too painful for me. two of them who were close literally just didn't get my having to keep away from them which made me mad, i just wanted to be left alone. i did try to be around one of them but every time she yawned or ate something it hurt. i had been longing for a long time something she got without any effort. push came to shove when she sent me a text one day saying how she (quote) was desperate to get 'it' out of her, i sobbed and kept away from her for a few years after that. i am going to find it increasingly hard having to see this women with 5 girls once a week now. i have never liked her, partly because of my envy, this i ashamedly admit but also because i have never thought her very friendly. she will not want to be around me either as she is pg again so easily and knows my treatments failed. i regularly read of older celeb's who have recently conceived but who's to know whether their wealth paid for treatment after treatment. i know that i was very shocked when sophie wessex fell pg again at 42 as she had had an ectopic and trouble with the birth of her daughter and yet a second successful pregnancy did not elude her. i on the other hand fell pg easily twice and my successfulu pregnancy was straight forward and yet i have not got pg once in the three years of trying despite the many things i have tried. the thing that troubles me is that i know i cannot try to concieve for at least 6 months to a year after having letz/loop treatment which is what i am guessing. at 43 every month counts. this was supposed to be my last year of trying. 43 is too old as it is, if i am to at a guess try at 44 it is ridiculous, who am i kidding. it has made the whole situation all the more impossible. i wish i could turn the longing for another one off but i cannot and will have to rely on the feelings fading off over time. i made the mistake of posting my feelings a few weeks ago on another website message board and had a response from a completely heartless women who accused me of being 'obsessive' and that my  thoughts were 'unhealthy'. she wasn't exactly blessed with a good bedside manner. we all hear of miracles. perhaps one might come our way? you never know. 
xx


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## tuck (Oct 12, 2007)

Hi Jo

That is so insensitive, its not something you can turn on and off.  I have a friend who is an only child, is married to an only child and has an only child.  She is so happy and fulfilled at having just the one but for me it was never my plan but... like the protective vacuum you talk of around other pg people which I also have, I am putting one up around having a 2nd child.  I think if i think it won't happen, it won't hurt so much if it doesn't .. and if it does well that's just amazing, who am I kidding, like you say??  The ones who get pg easily i don't think will ever understand but in the end for me its about self preservation and I can't/won't put myself in situation where i will get hurt.

To answer your question about cornual ectopic.  its incredibly rare 1 in 100,000 have a cornual and it is where the baby implants in the corner (cornua) of the uterus or the part where the tube enters the womb.  When i lost my right tube, they didn't seal it properly and somehow my little eggie travelled down the stump of the tube into the corner of the womb where it met a swimmer and fertilised and implanted.  If it hadn't been picked up when it was (at 7 weeks) my uterus would have stretched with the baby and finally ruptured  cos it was in the wrong place and i would have been in a life threatening situation.  As it was i was opened up, lost 2 pints of blood and told i was lucky that they stopped the bleeding.  You can see why i'm too scared to try again.

Jo i think its good to talk and admitting your feelings is healthy however honest they are and to know we are not alone helps too.  And like you say re miracles, stranger things have happened.

I hope all goes well with your treatment.

Take care

Tuckx


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## whippet (Dec 29, 2007)

Hi to all

I feel reading your entries is like reading my own thoughts. I have a fifteen year old son as a result of the one and only time I have been pregnant.
Married now 3 years trying for 2 no reason say the tests just not happening.
About to embark on IVF as feel not ready to throw the towel i yet.
Seem to be surrounded i  home life with peaolple falling preg with min. effort.
Dont get me wrong pleased from them but still hurts like hell

Whippet x


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## emilyemily (Jan 24, 2008)

Hello,I have been trying to conceive my second child for three years and feel like I can almost not bear the pain of it all anymore.Anyway talking about insensitive friends,my friend who got pregnant the first month of trying said something really horrible to me not once but twice!She knew about my ttc troubles but couldn't resist plonking her beautiful baby on my lap and then asked 'Does she make you feel broody?'.I couldn't believe the insensitivity of the remark!I mumbled a lame reply the first time but the second time she asked me the same question I was able to snap back angrily.What a horrible thing to say to a friend who desperately would like another child but is unable to conceive!Felt like she was trying to poke fun at me whilst highlighting how wonderfully she had done in producing such a lovely child.We are still friends but I steer well clear of discussing my fertility problems with her.I would never have said such a cruel thing.People who conceive quickly and successfully have no idea how painful it is to try for years without success and will never understand the sadness of miscarriage.


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi emily emily, sorry to read you too have been ttc No. 2 for three years+. stinks doesn't it. i don't mean to sound like i am mixing it but i genuinely have no idea how you maintain a friendship with someone who behaved in my eye in an unforgiveable way. to say what she said and TWICE in knowing you have secondary infertility, well, if it had been a friend of mine they would never have seen hair nor hide from me again, not sure if my bad attitude is correct or not, i just feel incredibly strongly about my emotions and save myself the pain of being around people who manage to make a sometimes intolerable situation worse. i feel at times i am being punished as i fell pg with my dd so quickly and used to say how fertile i was although i cannot remember in what circustances i said this, i am sure i would not have been so insensitive to say this to someone who had just told me they could not concieve, more just chit chat as part of the conversation, still, i do if i am honest remember feeling a bit smug as i got pg twice pretty much immediately (had mc before my dd) so i feel i am getting my karma. in an odd way i do feel my secondary infertility is a life enhancing experience as i feel i have experienced both ends of the scale however i want to say, ok, enough is enough, i have learnt the pain and now want my second child although at the ripe old age of 43 and having a colposcopy etc for abnormal smear on tuesday i doubt it will ever happen for me. i hope you have success too. joxx


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## tuck (Oct 12, 2007)

Emily

I am so sorry to hear what your insensitive friend did to you, sometimes I wonder if people set out to try and hurt us, either that or they just don't think.  My friend told me all about hearing the heart beat really early in her pregnancy.  She is completely blase about the whole pregnancy thing and put off ttc cos she wasn't really sure.  I have been trying 16 months and been pregnant twice for a total of 16 weeks but still i have no baby.  She will have a baby in 4 months!! it makes me so sad/mad.  I am sorry that you have been trying for so long and all i can say is i really hope some luck comes your way and 2008 is the year.

kelway i so know what you mean about feeling you have been punished for successfully and quickly conceiving your 1st.  My sis had problems so assumed i would too so  i was shocked and i kept getting told how lucky i was when conceived ds ... i knew that, it wasn't lost on me , but yes now i feel that  by god am i paying for it !! bitter but quite a usual reaction i think.  hope ur ok and that the colposcopy went well.

Tuckxx


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