# Feeling Incredibly low (5dp5dt)



## Tasha_1977 (Sep 25, 2005)

Hi girls,

I haven't been posting much on FF this time around. To cut a long story short Dh and I were extremely lucky that our FET worked (following 1 failed fresh ICSI) and gave us our beautiful son who is now two and a half. Like many we hoped for a miracle 'natural' pg following successful IVF but have ended up back on the treatment rollercoaster (which sounds like fun but as we all know is pretty rubbish).

I didn't cope very well the first time around. I have always been extremely maternal and from age 16 when DH and I got together we knew that we wanted a large family. I got very depressed and it took over my whole life.  Then something amazing happened and I fell pregnant. The thing that I felt sure was never going to happen because it was always someone else and not me. Since then my life has changed. 

Being a mother is not over-rated. It is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life and the tears flood down my cheeks as I write this and think of how much that little boy in the bedroom next to me means. He IS my life. Having him has meant that going through treatment has 'seemed' easy this time. I haven't got stressed. I have practically skipped in and out of my clinic as if it were the hairdressers! I know I have him and if I'm feeling a bit low he perks me up.

Today something has shifted and I suddenly feel very scared and very sure that this will fail even though up until now I have felt quite optimistic. I have been having AF cramps since the day after transfer but today they feel a bit stronger, but then disappear. I also feel really emotional.  I have started to get what feels like a cold today so it may just be I'm a bit run down and the emotions of going through ICSI again are catching up with me.

I feel really confused.  I'm so scared of where the next lot of money will come from to pay for treatment. Dh and I have just paid out £6000 to do this again (savings we've managed to put together) and we are still £16,000 in debt from the first goes (combining IVF and all the holistic therapies we tried first plus missed wages from days off work etc).  I also feel like I'm wrong for moaning. I worry people will think I'm ungrateful or greedy because I have already got an ICSI baby. I have a 4 week old niece and when I held her last weekend I just felt and unbearable need to exerience this again.

Sorry if this sounds jumbled and too emotional. Maybe I've tried to be too strong this time? I thought a failure would never be as bad once I'd got my baby. I think though I might have been wrong. Tonight I'm so scared about next wednesday's result and what it will do to me. I don't want to get depressed again. God, why is this so hard?

Love to everyone on their 2ww and wishing for BFP's all round xxxx

Thanks for listening girls xxx


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## professor waffle (Apr 23, 2005)

Just wanted to send you  . 

There is always that point on a 2ww when you lose it completely & it scares you in every way, I think you're prefectly normal feeling this way.


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## Guest (Oct 24, 2009)

Tasha xxx


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## viva_diva (Sep 30, 2009)

Tasha, I can totally identify with you. This 2ww is sending me kookoolooku! I started out with a positive mental attitude (usually a tough cookie too) then totally fell to bits on day day 5 of the 2ww...I'm now on day 8 and going totally nuts, especially as I've started spotting and today I woke up with no AF type symptoms...nothing! Now am freaking out and am turning into a knicker watching obsessive! Some days I feel ok and others I am on a downward spiral. It really is an emotional roller-coaster , I hope yours ends with a happy ending. Wishing everyone fabulous BFPs xxx


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## nicky30 (Sep 23, 2003)

Tasha

Hugs to you. I can totally relate.

I liked your hairdresser comment - that's kind of how I have been. So eternally grateful to already be a mummy that I was absolutely determined not to let this cycle take over my life and allow me to miss a minute of enjoying my son. However, the 2ww is killing me!! I assumed it would be easier than prev cycles but it is dragging so bad. 

I pray you get your dream of a sibling for your DS  

Nicky x


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## Tasha_1977 (Sep 25, 2005)

Thank you girls,

Feeling a bit better now. Friday night was awful though. Cried myself to sleep with bad AF pains and convinced it was over. Had nothing since, have just been really emotional and crying a lot at silly things. My cold has come out now and I nearly lost my voice last night. Haven't taken anything for it though as I don't like to take too much in case it interfers with the two on board (hopefully implanting fingers crossed tightly).  

My test day is Wednesday and I'm trying hard not to test early. I really want to have the blood results so I know exactly where I am. 

Fingers crossed for everyone here too. xxx


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## Janeybear8 (Oct 8, 2009)

I'm SOOO feeling all of the above comments! I too had a BFP in Sept 07 and my daughter born in May 08. This time (2nd ICSI attempt) am towards end of 2ww and going gaga. Am convinced it hasn't worked (almost to prepare myself mentally) and DH is eternally optimistic which frankly isn't helping! Bless 'im. Thought I would be fine through the process but it's really doing me in this time. Good luck for weds tasha
J
x


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