# how to start the adoption discussion with DH?



## wee emma (Nov 15, 2007)

Hiyas   

wondering if anyone could help me with this. I had mentioned to DH a while ago about adoption (maybe 2 years?) and he wasn't that keen on the idea. He wasn't sure if he could love a child that wasn't biologically his. 

I thought i'd than leave it until our tx was completely over but lately I've been thinking of talking to him again. I've went to start but I can't seem to get the words out   

we're trying iui at the moment (first go of four) so I thought i'd maybe put the idea into his head now.

any ideas?


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## muminthemaking (Jan 10, 2008)

Hi!
Didn't want to read and run, but not sure if I'll be of any help though I'm sure someone who can be of help will be along soon.

For myself and my dh we had discussed adoption early on in our relationship as something we would have liked to do anyway, just arrived here sooner then we anticipated. We had one attempt at donor iui and when that failed, maybe even before it had failed I knew adoption was the road for me, had to check it was still right for us. I think what I said was along the lines of I can't get adoption off my mind, everywhere I turn it seems to be and perhaps we should look into it. Luckily for me Dh was fully on board, so we started making enquiries. I think the key is to be open with your dh, tell him how your feeling and what your thinking, and see if he would be adverse to finding out more about the process.

Their is a book specifically for men called "approcahing fatherhood, a guide for adoptive dads and others" that may be of use to your dh.

Also just to say, many agencies like you to have had time to grieve after your treatments, 6 months seems to be about average, before they start the process with you, so it will give you and your dh time to see how you really feel about adoption, without being committed to anything.

Hope this helps


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

hi there
DH was the same till i took him to an info evening and introduced him to a friend who was adopted and he saw the difference being adopted could make to a child


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## Pink Lady 66 (Sep 3, 2008)

My dh was dead against adoption from the start he said in such words if we cant have our own he doesnt want to bring up someone elses child.  However move on 2 years and our 2 failed ivf's and miscarriage and dh has completely changed his mind. He knows how much I want a family and has now come around, we were approved in Jan 2011 and have just been matched with a little boy - matching panel end of september and dh seems more excited than I am, if you dh doesnt at first seem interested dont give up I didnt and hopefully we shall be a family of 3 by xmas this year .


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi Emma,

You are not alone.
My dh was the same, when we had our last IVF miscarrage I told him, even though we knew that it was our last IVF it did not mean I had given up on having a family and that in a few weeks I want to talk about adoption, to which I got a grunt!!!!!!
A few weeks later we did talk about adoption and I said "let's just put our names down for an info meeting and go from there"
Which we did, Then we went on the prep course which you can back out at any time and I really thought he would of said " I cant do this"
But to my suprise he was really up for debates and seemed to be enjoying it. When we got to the last day and the s/w  that was in charge said we had 2 weeks to send a letter to the agency to say we still wanted to carry on.
That night he nearly shocked to death when he asked " have you written the letter yet"!!!!
I would of thought he would of wanted to talk about it first, but as he said " do you really think I would of put you and myself through all that and not carry on, if you still want to carry on write the letter"!!!!!

That is just my little story and if you had asked me if he would adopt 3 years ago i would of said no, but I think men just need time, and there is no harm in just going to a info meeting to see if this is something you both want to do.
I know talking and bringing up this subject is hard but hang on in there, just make it clear you are not pushing him but at the same time make it clear to him that this is something you really want and you at least want to check it out.
Good luck with it hun.
Skyblu.xx


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

I was very lucky that both hubby and I were in agreement and so cant really offer any words of advice in regard to "turning him round" 

I think it would be a good idea to meet other adopters and to see that the dads love there children unconditionally and at least equal to those who have had birth children

It is worth remembering however that your hubby will need to be 100% involved and so I wouldnt even consider starting meeting sw's until he is. Go to open evenings but dont have a home visit. 

My hubby liked the fact that unlike a pregnancy and IVF he is equally involved and has to take a proactive role and I dont know how I would of coped if I had felt I was pushing him into it. The process is hard and intrusive and if he isnt up for it the sw's will see that as a big concern. 

Dont expect hubby to be quite as excited as you as I think generally there is one partner who is obsessed about the process and one more laid back but he does need to want a child and be prepared to join you in the journey. 

Sorry if this appears negative but I want to be realistic


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## wee emma (Nov 15, 2007)

thanks for your replies   

well i grabbed the bull by the horns and asked him a couple of days ago. i said to him that we will wait until this tx is over, which should be about november and talk about it properly.

i said to him that we'll get the info on it first and take it slowly.

he's not sure that he could love a child thats not biologically his (and also he's shy, im shy too but i seem to attract children - i've never grown up   ) and i think he's afraid he'll get left out if we have a child in the house.

he has two girls of his own from his previous marriage (he doesn't see them anymore though) and i think he's worried that a non biological child would be too different, too distant.

he also said he'd panic if we got a boy as he hasn't a clue what to do with them


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Wee Emma - all a step in the right direction!
    for November honey ... 


As for knowing what boys want ... am sure it'll come flooding back when needed    and as for never growing up - best way to be if you ask me ... Do we ever grow up? I still feel 22 inside - altho don't look it!     


Take care Mini xx


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## wee emma (Nov 15, 2007)

aww mini i am a complete ejit. have never grown up    had to laugh at myself yesterday at how excited i got on the bus home when i noticed a new sweet shop opened   

fingers crossed we get somewhere with this, though i was talking to a girl this morning who's looking into adoption herself and she thinks it an expensive process...gulp


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