# Do you ever feel that some of your posts have been taken the 'wrong' way?



## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

I sometimes feel that I post and its taken completely the wrong way from what I actually ment. Often I see angry or highly emotive replies to what was probably posted as the most innocuous comment which has obviously been read ina  different way to what was intended.

What can we as an online forum do to prevent people getting hurt or upset by misscommunication? I'd be really interested in any ideas you have 



p.s. Just in case someone takes this the wrong way I'm not upset or angry at any recent posts and am genuinely interested in improving comunications!


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

i often worry about this....i guess the problem is IF is a highly emotive topic and always will be. I always try to avoid saying anything that can be misconstrued - i guess the problem then is one doesn't want to be walking on egg-shells 

i'm not sure how misscommunication can be solved - email etc is hard because you only get the words, no tone or intination which are so important in language. the smileys are great as they can help convey facial expression etc i guess just by using the smileys more people can help give clues as to what they mean - the other thing is for people to ponder what others have said properly before they get angry or emotional about something that was not meant to be like that 

i used to get upset when i saw pg people popping on the pg loss thread - i know it's there for all the people who have lost a baby and some of those people now have new joy in their lives with a new pg. 
i know that rationally but i guess it's hard to rationalize that when i'm feeling so awful about my loss and then see a wonderful pg ticker popping up .    
While i am genuinely delighted for all the people with IF or m/c issues who have overcome them, i guess the little green monster in all of us raises it's ugly head now and then  
Saying that i would never ever say anything to upset that person etc and see it as my own demon to fight - and for the most part now i think i have   Lots of the girls feel that it is positive as it gives hope etc.....but personally i find it hard - we're all different.  The point is this is my issue to fight - not the pg people who post, but my choice as to how i deal with it. 

(ps - this was not directed at anyone it was just an example   )


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## jome (Feb 5, 2006)

I find everyone very supportive on FF and I don't feel any of my posts have been misinterpreted, but I am sometimes very careful in what I write. These days, instead of tip-toeing, I choose to not reply to people if something they've written has annoyed or upset me, I just skim right over it instead - that way I don't risk hurting them by being condescending or upset... but I have to say, FF is a great place and everyone's wonderful! 

jome


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## madison (May 6, 2005)

I havent seen anything I have said taken the worng way BUT If I did say something that someone took as not very nice I would hope that they would PM me & ask me straight as if I read something that I thought was out of order I would PM them.

  That way there can me no mix up.. I am like that in everyday life too  

  Love Katy. xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## sarahstewart (Aug 4, 2005)

No-one has EVER upset me on the boards  directly (not that I can remember  ) although after my m/c I was very emotionally unstable (that's what DH says  ) and got upset over everything.....I am sure ALL the ladies on here can relate to that.....I guess what I am trying to say is there are loads of   ladies suffering IF on here that can take things the wrong way.

Hope this makes sense


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Hi Debs,

Like any social group FF has it's share of cliques and a ruling elite of older members. This is unavoidable and to be expected.

I've seen behaviour which is designed to exclude others and also specific attacks and bullying.

Infertility is painful and many of us are incredibly sensitive about our plight. I know that I am.

On the whole I would say that FF is one of the healthiest on-line communities that I belong to.

One of the best things that could be done is for an independent arbitrator to be set up for people who feel attacked or excluded. This would need to be done separate from the current moderators as some of them are so close and emotionally dependant to others on this board.

This is not a criticism as I would be in exactly their position and having been a moderator myself I know that this happens to me.

If you feel that your posts are being misunderstood you could be a not using enough sensitivity or you could be treading on the toes of someone who is a bully or members of the ruling elite (or maybe both?).

What is an innocuous comment may feel like a major attack to someone else.

It's inevitable that we will upset other people sometime. It would help if you were being 100% honest in your post. Were you comments really innocuous or did you upset a power person or group?

Do you want to stop being being upset by "innocuous" comments or do you want to stop them attacking you for making them?

Hope this helps.

Kindest regards,


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

hi girls
interesting debate.  I have to say that I was "picked on" (for want of a better word - abusive emails etc) by so called friends on another site I used to belong to for endo and it put me off joining FF for a long time and even now I'm wary who I get close to. Thankfully I have not experienced anything since becoming a member in Jan 05 and have made some wonderful friends on the clomid board.   

Its a good point that hopefully should anything be taken the wrong way, the person would send a p/m and hopefully receive a satisfactory explanation.

take care girls


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Interesting comments ladies.

Its good to see that generally everyone is understanding of each other. 
I personaly think any online community is likely to have misunderstanding because you don't get the 'face to face' reaction of being in the same room as someone so the minute nuonces are lost.

I also think from time to time we all get 'het up' about something (online or in the 'real world') and sometimes its good to avoid or step away from that topic for a while.

Keep your ideas and comments coming though!


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi

My views for what they're worth! 

The very nature of fertility friends means we are a community of highly stressed, often disappointed and sometimes emotionally damaged people as a result of what we have been through/are going through.  This inevitably means that with the best will in the world there will be times when members mis-understand what has been written by another.

I think that so long as people are respectful of each others feelings and dont go out to deliberately "name and shame" anyone or deliberately hurt other members then that should be enough.  The key words are trust and respect and so long as we've got that, then any mis-understanding brought about by how people are feeling at any one time can be overcome!

Take Care all


Amanda xxxx


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## dianne (Apr 5, 2005)

Hi 

I am aware that i use humour mostly to cover my upset and distress, when i want to avoid sharing too much personal stuff as i feel too raw, but i have a need to support others and perhaps try and gain some contact for myself 
It is never my intention to upset anyone with my posts, I try and use the humour mainly to make fun of myself never i hope of others.  
As i tend to post on the Lister thread and have been for a while i hope most of the ladies have got use to my "style" and i have not knowingly offended anyone 
However at times i have been upset by the posts of others but then i see that as my problem and for me to sort within myself. I like to believe that no one would knowingly upset me and perhaps that person is having their own struggle. 

Dianne x


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## ~SUGAR~ (Mar 25, 2006)

What an interesting thread!

I've been known to go back and delete the odd message or two, as after posting I've suddenly had an attack of..._'oh my god, I hope that came across in the way I intended and didn't upset anyone'_ So I do always try to be thoughtful, but there's never any way of knowing for sure if someone could be offended or upset.

Like many have said tho, this is a highly emotive community anyway, and I know that some days I have taken the hump with one or two posts...Mostly I just ignore it, as I like to think that most people would never knowingly post anything upsetting or hurtful. At times I have posted a bit of a tart response, but never by attacking the member personally, just by stating my view or opinion, in the hope that maybe they understand that their post could have been misconstrued or come across as a bit narrow-minded. I dont do this much tho, as I also have to realise that my hormones/state of mind/history/experiences etc. may make me more sensitive to some comments.

Luckily I've never witnessed any bullying or out-right nastiness on this site, and find nearly everyone I 'meet' to be either supportive, kind, funny, understanding, encouraging...or all of the above! But I do agree, that if you have a problem with someone, you should PM them, as chances are whatever was said was simply misunderstood and unintentionally upsetting, and most people, being decent would like the chance to explain and apologise for any upset caused...I know I would!

Eeek....I'm probably going to get inundated now with angry PMs! 

Sugar xx


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

I do know what you mean - unfortunately (or fortunately sometimes!) if others cannot hear the tone in which the message is being said, then you will get people that will mis-interpret what you initially meant.  I've found one of the biggest problems with this, you then get others that will jump on the band wagon of someone that has then got stroppy over something and very quickly someone can become alienated.

Other than making better use of smileys and really thinking about what you're writing and how it may be taken, I'm not sure there is too much else that can be done.

I've definately had posts which have been taken the wrong way and in the past, have also had posts (which is the 'fortunately' bit!), where I have wanted others to read between the lines because being to direct may have caused too much agro.  I can't think of a specific example right now and not sure this makes sense.

Definately an interesting debate, but an inevitable situation.

Love,

Sue xxx


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## CharlieKay (Jun 24, 2006)

I joined a few months ago and would say that I have had only very positive experiences and also I haven't felt my emails were mis-understood.(I think) although often I read my messages 3 or 4 times to check how others might interpret. Sometimes I am inclined not to say negative comments or in most cases 'honest' or realistic views because I feel this is a website for support and we have the rest of the outside world that does this for us. I only logged on here for support not for the facts which i get else where.

I joined the London Girls TTC thread and have found them really welcoming. Exceptionally so, considering some of them are very good friends and have been on the same thread for a long time. Talking babies and pregnancies is banned on this thread for good reason and I think this works so we can feel free to talk about Tx and disappointment. 

My friends misinterpret many things I say, and I often end up have to over explain myself, which gets me in hot water, so maybe that is why I find FF more supportive.

xx Charliekay  
Ps I work with lots of women and nearly once a week someone has an argument at work based on reading an email wrong. It is the downside of emails really when you can't get the tone of their words.


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## A1979 (Nov 22, 2005)

Hi, finding this really interesting!

I often think that things written down (emails, texts, letters) can be taken the wrong way and it is hard to get the correct tone when writing.  

I have felt mostly supported on FF.  There has been an occasion whereby I felt someone was being a bit off with me when basically I had just posted information for other people to read and make their own decisions.  On such a big site, with many different personalities, there are always going to be run in's and so long as there is no bullying (I have NEVER seen any bullying) I think things do blow over.

At the end of the day, I feel FF is about empowerment.  How many people go to hospital appointments (fertility or other) and feel bewildered and dont have a clue what the consultants are talking about?  This site is fabulous for giving information that you can then discuss with other halfs, hospital staff etc etc and make an informed decision about how to proceed with treatment.  

I dont think I could have coped with this journey without FF's.

Love and babydust to all (and love, glue and warm tum rubs to those sporting bumps!)

Anna x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

anna1979 said:


> At the end of the day, I feel FF is about empowerment. How many people go to hospital appointments (fertility or other) and feel bewildered and dont have a clue what the consultants are talking about? This site is fabulous for giving information that you can then discuss with other halfs, hospital staff etc etc and make an informed decision about how to proceed with treatment.


Couldnt have said that better myself 

An interesting and thought provoking subject 

My personal thoughts are i guess along the lines of most of yours , ff is a place where i and most of us feel we belong, somewhere that people know how it feels.

I have to say i can see how some people think there are cliques within ff but i also strongly believe that these so called cliques do not mean to ever exclude anyone, I am someone who doesnt care where i post, i never think well maybe i can't or shouldn't post on that board as i aren't pg or don't have children etc. If i feel i want to reply to a post on a thread , i do so. However i am aware that some boards etc are of a very sensitive nature and am careful and respectful of this.

I am someone who probably comes across as i bit of a joker which i am and have learnt that i need not to take life so seriously and what will be will be, however difficult that may be, But i am also aware that it was taken me a while to get to this place and understand that ff members are all in different places/situations in their lives and we all need to be aware of this and be considerate to each other

I never judge anyone as their life is their own and belong to ff so i can support those who need it and they are here to support me also

celebrate the highs together and gives hugs when theres lows

love
suzie xx


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## ♥Saila♥ (Mar 27, 2006)

I can hold my hands up and say I have been affected by "cliques" I don't feel any malice to these people but feel that infertility is something that excludes us all, my infertility makes me feel excluded at childrens birthday parties because I feel nobody will ever run up to me to say "look what I did" I feel excluded when I look over the road at the primary school and see all the children rushing out to meet their mummys, I felt excluded when a relative of mine but her little girl to bed and she shouted down the stairs "I love you mummy". The list is endless which is why although I agree with Olive people don't have cliques to hurt people I feel they should realise how much they may of unintentionally hurt other members and not only that but excluded them in a place where everyone is going through the same thing. No matter how long someone has suffered along the road of this journey it doesn't make them any different to someone who has just embarked on it. I have made many friends on FF and don't have a "private" board we use exclusively for ourselves, I text, pm or email them. I also don't agree with letting other members join a certain thread when it leaves others wondering why wasn't it me? Why am I different when all I want is to chat to you too?

I also know people who have mis-interpreted emails   texts are also funny ones you never know how to take them unless you really know the person


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## scratch (Aug 5, 2004)

I have never really had any bad experiences on any of the boards. but I did remember a certain comment being made when we were all trying to loose weight. We were comparing our sizes height and weight and as most of you realisle it takes alot of guts to actually admit you weigh 17 1/2 stone. but I did and It was my first step towards loosing the weight. but then someone probably innocently made a comment that they thought was funny that  they were huge and probably looked 17 stone (but they weren't) it probably wasn't meant in a malicious way but I can assure you it stuck in my mind for a long time,.

so it just proves that sometimes things get said that aren't intentionally nasty but sometimes things have a different meaning to some people.

i hope that made sense

Sal x


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## A1979 (Nov 22, 2005)

Aw Sal, completely made sense.  Well done for losing over 5lb...what's your secret?!  I would love to lose a couple of stone but dont seem to be getting very far at the min!

Anna x


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## Witchie Poo Cat (Aug 12, 2005)

This is an interesting debate.  Personally I have not been affected by this issue however I am always careful to post things that cannot be misinterpreted (well to the best of my ability anyway) and I never dive in with strong views which may start an "arguement".

I have been on the internet more than 10 years now and in that time been a member of lots of different forums for different purposes.  In that time Ive seen my fair share of "trolls" - people who join specifically to get a rise out of other members, and Ive also seen a lot of people who try and force their strong opinions on others.  Other times its just a simple case of misunderstanding.

The one thing I do feel strongly about in these misunderstanding cases is that it is sorted out privately by PM with the person who has upset you, and not publically on a forum where everyone can see it - this just adds fuel to the fire for both parties.  If someone had upset me unintentionally I would definitely PM them to keep it private, after all there is no need for everyone else to join in.  And, if I ever unintentionally offended or excluded anyone else I would want them to PM me tactfully so it could be sorted out.

With regards to cliques, I think these are more perceived than actually real.  A lot of people on forums have been members for a very long time and naturally get to know other members who have also been there a while.  The relationship between these members becomes much more familiar and chatty which is natural.  I dont think people ever intend anyone to be excluded, if someone joins in they are welcomed, but maybe those that are shy just dont feel able to join in?  If thats the case, where does the responsibility for that lie?  I admit I have ventured onto other boards and not felt "welcome" but that is because the welcome on my regular board is so warm as I know everyone on it, but I am a stranger on other boards.  Is this particularly anyones fault?  In the end I gravitate back to my regular board and stay there where Im comfortable.  I dont feel anyone is to blame, I just feel more relaxed there and everyone knows my little foibles!

Such is the nature of people, and the nature of infertility itself, that there are always bound to be misunderstands along the way.  However, if dont privately and tactfully with the people concerned I dont see any reason why these things cant be ironed out.

Ok, Ive waffled enough on this topic! lol  Good to read the replies here all very honest and very valid points.  Oh, and just incase anyone is wondering, I havent been offended by anyone on these boards in the year Ive been a member and I hope I havent inadvertantly upset anyone - if so, PM me and I will be true to my word! lol

Hugs

Witchie Poo Cat


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

What a lot of interest this has generated. Decided to join as as I was curious how others felt about this.

FF is the only forum I have ever been a member of and I can honestly say I've never been offended by or offended anyone on here (that I know of anyway. Would be mortified if I had   ). Very occasionally I have read things which have made me go  but am always wary that email/written text is so hard to interpret so you have to be careful what you read into things (my boss shouts all the time in emails and this used to worry me until I realised it's only because she hits caps lock by mistake and never realises herself    )

I've never been made to feel unwelcome on any boards or threads on here and I've posted all over the place. But I do understand that for others it can sometimes feel a bit intimidating to jump into other conversations the same way it does at a party that your best mate dragged you too and then abandons you and goes off to snog her boyfriend all night (I'm harking back to teenage years here, just in case anyone thinks this is recent experience !)

All in all I really don't know how I survived nearly 4 years of IF without FF. This website and all the amazing people on it is the only thing that has carried me through since July. Oops I should have said that  the love and support of my DH is most important to me (sorry everyone, but you all mean the world to me too   )

Maz x


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

> The one thing I do feel strongly about in these misunderstanding cases is that it is sorted out privately by PM with the person who has upset you, and not publically on a forum where everyone can see it - this just adds fuel to the fire for both parties.


I agree with this approach but sometimes it can be appropriate IMHO to justify or back up what was being said so that others don't have the same missunderstanding 

Deb


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## fingersarecrossed (Aug 8, 2006)

Deb - great thread. I agree that mostly FF has been hugely supportive although on the odd occasion I have felt that people could be more sensitive with their posts. Like Sallystar I was a little upset by an innoent comment from someone saying they wouldn't go out "because they couldn't fit into their size 10 skirt and felt like a real lard a*se", I too am a larger lady and desperately doing battle with PCOS to do something about my weight and this stuck in my mind. I didn't want to PM the person concerned as i'm sure they would have been mortified that I felt like I was being judged but it is oh so true that the written word can get misconstrued by us hormonal, emotional and (in my case irrationally paranoid) women!!


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Just thought I would link this thread to the "Bullying & Harassment policy" announcement for info.

Deb


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## Empty2 (Aug 12, 2006)

I once felt I'd 'butted in when not wanted' on a thread this was a while back.  Even stopped getting on the FF website because I was so upset, but maybe because I had just miscarried and was feeling like talking.    
I also struggle with the abbreviations  (ie what does PM mean?)...constantly going back to the words and meanings page.  I find that very frustrating.  

PS hopeless at texting on my mobile too!


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## tulip1411 (Feb 6, 2007)

It's really strange because this is exactly what has happened to me, they didn't say anything but after I read my post again I thought ooppppps that could be taken two ways... so just posted and said what i really meant but then again I don't know if it's just me fretting... not wanting to hurt peoples feelings    nutty woman I am   because it was all and nothing but I am so worried and aware how things can be read diferently to other people it bothered me.  I must say I am really sirprised that some people can be so awful


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## tulip1411 (Feb 6, 2007)

Awwwww Empty thats awful   hope things ok now though x


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## magoo (Feb 25, 2005)

I post mostly on another board and have had a couple of ladys send me private messages having a go at me for what they say was giving bad advice, what infact happened was i had said in a post what i had done with my DS when he was born, no advice just my experience and they had read it wrong and the pair (who i know ARE very good friends) slaughtered me  
I then happened to have a say in another post to then get a pm saying in the title "s*h*i*t stirring again" to which i got very upset  and had to phone my dh, i there for now find i am careful with what i write and even will go as far as not replying to some posts because of this. Altho saying that if i forget i always get a snotty reply from one of them to which i now ignore.
Its very hard for people to be able to take emotions when your writing hence some idiots get it wrong


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## magoo (Feb 25, 2005)

ooow just wanted to say have never had a problem with FF


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## Empty2 (Aug 12, 2006)

Hi girls,

Magoo, sorry about your reaction other boards, thats 'bullying' surely?  Is it possible to stop their pm messages getting through to you?  I cannot believe people can be so rude like that!

I know you have pm'd me about the picture on the side (still cannot remember the proper name of it  ) with the ribbon for Maddie (I was the one tying a ribbon around my tree!), I really did appreciate your help! 
Sending you a hug Magoo  

Apologies too tulip didn't get the 'Show new replies to your post' come up for this thread?  Didn't realise you had posted.    Thank you, feeling brighter now.  I have been on the 40's thread, but even though there are a few  of us posting I would hate to think it stops anyone else joining in, as Mazv said I would be mortified if I had made anyone else feel bad.

emps
x


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## magoo (Feb 25, 2005)

Thanks for that Emps  
Dont think i can stop the pms just best NOT to open any in the future, like i said im trying to not answer any posts the main instigator (sp) posts on as she will and does post funny replys, luckily there are a couple of friends on there who notice her funny comments and have been very angry at her, altho like me know its best left unsaid as the board would just explode and whats the point of that, they then end up looking like the victim when they are the ones who start it in the first place  If id been as stirring as implyed then maybe i would have had the guts to post the nasty pms i received for all to see, BUT im not as low as them.

Glad i could have been of help to you and isnt this what its all about, hows the rtibbon doing with all the rain?

Thanks for your kind words again,
Take care Rachel xxx


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## Dobby (Oct 23, 2005)

I do find FF  very great support and it certainly feels like somewhere I belong.

But, I do think it is possible for people to unintentionally hurt others.  I have NEVER been back in the chat room since I was first pregnant (apart from the Monday night parents chat once or twice) as someone came in to the chat half way through a conversation I was having with another person about antenatal testing, and literally 'picked on' the answer I had typed which was specifically in reply to a particular person's direct question.  The person who had just joined got really miffed with me because of the answer I gave, but they didn't see the question which was asked or the context of the conversation because they came in just as I answered the question I was asked!!!

I felt I was being told I was very judgemental when all I was answering what what I intended to do in a specific circumstance that the new chat person wasn't aware of.... she really got the wrong end of the stick because she hadn't been in on the earlier conversation.  I haven't seen her post for ages but she belonged to or represented some organisation or other in antenatal tests and was really, really shirty with me.

I didn't ever go on Chat again because I was so upset at how patronising she was.  And I am normally someone who is very laid back!!!!

I would never ever judge someone the way she judged me for what I said.

So it is possible to cause offence.... either she was having a really off day or really didn't realise quite how her comments came across....  whatever it was, I have avoided the chat room since.

Dobby


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Dobby I am sorry you feel this way and that there was a misunderstanding. 

I am sure the other person didnt intentionally mean to upset or distress you 

Chat can and should and is a fun place to chat to members and I do hope that you will consider returning sometime in the future

xx


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## ZoeP (Feb 10, 2004)

I use a number of different forums on different types of sites, one thing they all have in common though is that you can not tell exactly how your post will come across.  Someone can read it totally different to how you say it and be offended.


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## Yoda (Feb 24, 2005)

I would have to say yes some people go in the huff,  in rare circumstances you can see why,  but it was like trading on eggshells on some threads  I was on,  so I decided to come off them they all go in the huff with each other... I suppose it depends on the person reading them if you know what I mean .     You cant change how someone thinks can you- its usually down to their life experiences and insecurities? We are all responsible for our own feelings, I try not to get involved with negative people and it does help. 

Saying that I have met some wonderful people on here and on the whole everyone is lovely.  I have even made some lovely friends who I meet up with from time to time . Theres always one isnt there its just like at school or in the office  lol.  FF rocks in my opinion I wouldnt be without it .



XX


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## bib (Apr 17, 2007)

Since I joined FF, i have found everyone to be really supportive whenever I have posted.  When I joined, it really did stir up the emotions that we went through with our ttc and tx, and those feelings will never, ever leave us.

I in turn, have always tried to be supportive whenever I can relate to a situation or circumstances that someone else finds themselves in.

I have often stopped myself posting in certain areas, only because we already have Molly, and I wouldn't want to be seen as being insensitive.  The trouble is, the only thing I would ever want is to do is help someone or comfort them, and I would be mortified if I upset or offended anyone.... 

It is hard sometimes because it is such a friendly and supportive place to be.  There is something for everyone in every IF situation, and yes it is a rocky old road to travel.  But, because we have all felt the most overwhelming want to have a child of our own, there is always a common ground in that each and every person here will share.  

I have read posts where there has been a bit of a misunderstanding, but they have always been sorted out.  It is hard sometimes to express exactly the tone you mean, and I can understand how blips would occour.

i would hate to think that anyone would be deliberatly nasty or insensitive....if that did happen, that person should remember why they are here at all.

FF is full of amazing, strong, wonderful and understanding people, and each and every one will have been a support to someone at some time.  I am proud to be part of it in a very small way.

Jo xxxxx


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