# Anyone experiencing being a member of the 'sandwich' generation



## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

I never really thought about this term since reading it a few years ago in the 'Daily Mail', but this past couple of weeks, it's really hit home! Just thought I'd see if anyone else feels like me! 
It talks about us older mums who happen to be torn between caring responsibilities for children and elderly relatives. I think in the article most of the children were older than maybe we have, but the principle is the same.
My dad died 10 years ago at the age of 84 and my sister and I helped my mum care for him as he'd become very frail. This was before my having children so not as difficult to manage! My mum is nearly 88 and up until this last year or so, despite health problems, has been pretty fit for her age, but she's suddenly aged a lot.Unfortunately this is partly due to my parents having us later in life and then me obviously. My mum was 38 when she had me, 40 when sis born, dad seven years older. Her parents were in their 60s when we were born so she had help with childcare from newly retired fit loving grandfather. My grandparents died at 92 so we were older when they needed help. I know I sound so ungrateful, I just wanted to sound off.
Sis works away as she is cabin crew so not around much (not much help anyway in a practical way). I've always put myself out to take mum to medical appointments etc. Then at my daughter's christening mum looked really ill and old. She subsequently developed a severe case of cellulitis in her leg, requiring daily IV antibiotics at the hospital, requiring me to transport her daily and wait with her, with a baby in tow and on two days, a toddler as well! The hospital think this saves NHS money which it does, but it's not appropriate for all patients and families, but then I suppose they weren't expecting me to turn up with baby in tow! She's also got a deterioration in her asthma so she is struggling with breathing. She now needs a lot of care. I do want to help, but I feel resentful, that it's taken me so long to get to the stage of my managing to have my beautiful children and now I'm juggling childcare with caring for an elderly relative, who frankly will continue to deteriorate. I feel selfish that I just want to be able to enjoy spending time with my little ones and I need to prioritise them but I also have to balance caring for mum.
Anyone also in this situation and any tips 
Sorry for the moan .....


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## Sassy-lassy (Apr 19, 2012)

No tips, but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.  I became a first time mum last summer at the age of 49.  My dad had very recently passed away and my mum (now 8, whilst seemingly very fit for her age - thanks to God - is increasingly frail and hates living in her own.  I have now moved in with my mother (complete with baby), whilst DH continues to live in our house 5 minutes drive away and visits every evening.  It is quite tough and DH and I are currently having a really rough patch - I am not sure if our relationship will survive.  But I don't regret my decision for one moment - my mother has always been there for me, and I hate the thought of her being unhappy.  My LO brings light into all our lives and whilst she can't pick my daughter up, or change her, or babysit for long, my mum can look after her whilst I get on with other things or when I need to pop out for a hour or so. Incidentally, I am the youngest of four siblings, but the others just don't 'get' how hard it's been for my mum and contribute very little in practical terms - either for her, or my father before he passed away.  It is a sad situation that many of us face, but I know that in the years to come, I will be able to look back and know that I did everything I could and tbh, I wouldn't have it any other way x


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## mandalay (Sep 20, 2013)

My dad lived with me and my family long before he became ill. It was tough to adjust to the caring relationship and often I felt a bit trapped. There were three weeks when we used a care home and he hated it. He needed to go back into hospital and died weeks later. Now I feel so bad for having put my best friend in the care (haha..Irony) of that place. I found out later something that may help you. The local authority can send in their carers etc BUT if you don't want this you have the right to request that you manage the caring budget for your relative. Each person is allocated an amount each week if they are deemed to need care. I forget how much it is but it's quite a bit. You can appoint your own carer to, say, come in and dress anhd wash your relative in the morning in their own home, paying them out of this budget. Then if that carer isn't compatible with your relative you can change it. I wish I had done this. Quite a lot of carers you wouldn't trust to look after your cat but some are so warm and friendly that they become companions and free you up a bit. I am not saying any of this to be critical. Please believe that. Caring for an elderly parent is the hardest thing, and it's actually mingled with fear of losing them. Please investigate the option of running your own budget. It'll help you live your own life too.


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## Inaaya (Aug 29, 2013)

My dad passed away 7 years ago and my mum became depressed after that and refused to live at home, she ga been staying with me for the past 5 years.  It's so hard as I was just starting my ivf journey that time asweelll and now I have 2 kids and my mum is harder work than the kids! She gets up in the middle of the night and runs outside in the garden and then sometimes wants me to give her a bath at 1am!! She also sometimes so cruel and cutting in her words xx


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## Inaaya (Aug 29, 2013)

But then st other ones she's lovely ! But she never looks at my kids or picks them up I have to take her everywhere to all her appointments with both kids in tow!!


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

Hi Debslovecats,

I take my hat off to you managing 2 young kids and your mum on your own. 
I have helped my mum keep her indeoendence for years. Thankfully I have a husband who takes rhe strain of childcare. 
Just over a year ago,for a myriad of reasons we all moved in to a better property together. My mum has her own rokm and is welcome to join in the communal living room, but prefers to stay in her room. I drive her about and change lightbulbs, cook meals, clean up and bathe her. In return, she watches my kids if my husband and I have to pop out or when I'm at college and hubby down the allotment. It has been stressful at times, but also the best times of our lives. 

Would it be easier if you and your mum lived together. With clear rules and boundaries of course. Every household has to have rules and boundaries or its anarchy and chaos 

Well done- you are doing a fab job, you are amazing 

Jade xxx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I personally don't see being a parent and caring for elderly relatives as having to be mutually exclusive and have to mean that you can't still let lo have the childhood and you the parenthood you aspire to.

I think that family bring far more than they take away. Even if living with you and needing support etc. 

Yes this is my time to be a parent but it will be until I die and without my parents I wouldn't exist so how can I resent that they need me?


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Thanks for all the amazing support - you are a bunch of strong women! I do feel better for having off loaded and also to hear I'm not on my own with this problem! 
My mum is amazing and lovely and she loves her grandchildren to bits. She can't obviously run around after them but she will play with my son when sitting down, and she likes to give my daughter a cuddle until she wants mummy! She's tough and has been as independent as possible until recently and I know it frustrates her. I've been juggling this really I suppose since my son was a baby and it just seems like there's no end in sight, especially when I'm on my own. I am happy with my decision to be an older mum and the running around after little ones is fine - I'm usually fit for my age, but struggling this past couple of weeks with a cold etc, but its the loading extra caring on top that's done it! 
Rant over - will get on with it as we do!


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