# I can't believe I am here



## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Hi Ladies

I am going to rant so please feel free to ignore. I need somewhere to write this down and the back of a Tesco reciept just isn't big enough.

I honestly, truly cannot belive I am here. A week and a half a go I had an AFC and although I knew it would be low, had no idea how bad it would actually be. I didn't even take DH with me as I thought I would be OK.

But no, left ovary zero and right ovary three follies. This time last year was 9 and 13. Still waiting for my AMH results but I know they will be poor as last time it was 2.3 anyway.

And when I got that result I suddnely realised how much I had been kidding myself no2 was possible despite all our IF issues. 

I have been seeing a counsellor and she has told me I am at the 'disbelief' stage of grief. And I can tell you it is pure grief and disbelief I am feeling. I thought finally knowing our chances were none (as I thought they would be) would mean I could move on and do all the stuff I have put off like holidays, join a gym etc but no...

The pain has left me so that just to breathe hurts. I want to lie in bed and never come out. I am grieving for my baby that never happened. A baby I now realise was so real. He was a boy, I had a name and he looks just like DH. He was going to be a mummys boy (like DD is a mummys girl) and he would fill that empty space next DD when she is on the fair ground rides or at the zoo. He would be a good sleeper and a good eater and he would rush to meet me when I get home, just like DD does. He would fill the empty space in our house that needs another child and he would be the most handsome boy ever, just like DD is the most beautiful girl.

But he isnt coming. And I can't understand this. I am a mother fighting for my child but he isnt coming. And that doesnt seem right. It doesn't make sense, it really doesn't. I can't come to terms with it because I just don't understand how this has happened. I can see him but he is so far away from me.

I can't understand why I am even posting here as this isn't for me. I should be in bed, exhausted from running around all day after two.

I feel destroyed. I cherish every second with DD but I have two arms for cuddles, one for each child. 

Time is supposed to heal but I feel things are getting worse, not better. 

Why am I even here?

xx


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi Twopence

So sorry to read of your recent news   

It is good that you have the support of a counsellor, please use them, i do agree in some sense its a grief process 

I have found it helps to write down and more than likely there will be someone else out there with similar feelings and emotions 

I always think better out than in honey you can come and add to the thread its your haven to  pour out your feelings, 

You know where i am if you want to chat sweetheart, i only wish you werent here in the nicest possible way 

Em


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Twopence said:


> I am grieving for my baby that never happened. A baby I now realise was so real. He was a boy, I had a name and he looks just like DH. He was going to be a mummys boy (like DD is a mummys girl) and he would fill that empty space next DD when she is on the fair ground rides or at the zoo. He would be a good sleeper and a good eater and he would rush to meet me when I get home, just like DD does. He would fill the empty space in our house that needs another child and he would be the most handsome boy ever, just like DD is the most beautiful girl.
> 
> But he isnt coming. And I can't understand this. I am a mother fighting for my child but he isnt coming. And that doesnt seem right. It doesn't make sense, it really doesn't. I can't come to terms with it because I just don't understand how this has happened. I can see him but he is so far away from me.
> 
> ...


I could have written that, except I have a DS already not a DD. The grief is so hard. You are not alone


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## purplejr (May 20, 2009)

Twopence - Huge hugs to you                   


Joy x


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Thank you for your replies ladies.

I just re-read my post and still can't quite come to terms with the fact it was me that wrote it.

DM - I think I will take your advice and use this place to vent. Apologies to anyone who starts to read this drivel.

I am exhausted after last nights tears so I am going to tidy up the tonnes of toys in the living room and go to bed.

Love to you all ladies xx


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## mazv (Jul 31, 2006)

Just read your post and it's not drivel   Wanted to send a big hug because IF always sucks    

I sooooo understand where you are coming from. I still 'grieve' for the family I never had. DD is my world but I never thought when I came off the pill exactly 10 years ago this month that 10 years down the line I would be full time working mother of one  I was supposed to be a SAHM of at least 3....

Hope you get a good nights rest x


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Thanks Mazv.

I totally get what you are saying. I also work (but I am lucky enough to for three days) and was sure i would be a SAHM of three + (preferably four).

People always say ''at least you have DD'' but it isn't about that. Like you, DD is my world but our future just looked differently in my head. My counsellor is great, she is helping me grieve and also stopping the feelings of guilt I have over this because lets face it, if we didnt have IF issues we wouldnt feel bad for wanting more.

xx


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## sanfrancisco (May 15, 2010)

Twopence-I so felt for you reading your post.People just don't understand what infertility is like unless they have experienced it.I was horrendously depressed for 3 years whilst ttc and going through fertility treatment for no 2.If I'm honest it affected ds and I wasted a lot of time focusing on my incomplete family instead of looking at my gorgeous ds and seeing what I had.You also get a lot less sympathy and get on with it attitude if you have 1 dc(from people who have had as many children as they desire ) I hope the counselling helps you 
I am very lucky, as you see in my signature,no 2 is on the way ,but I still feel that I somehow don't deserve no 2,have been greedy and that something is going to go horribly wrong-I guess that's how infertility affects us.
I wish you peace in coming to terms with moving on.I could patronise you and say that a miracle could happen,but I won't  xx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

I find myself here too, wondering how and why  I guess the positive is we do have ONE but by God that hurts so bad some days  
Like you I have my second child in my head its another girl, we call her Zoe. I am 41 soon, I am supposed to be on hrt I am over weight and currently unfit, and needing money for tx or even just having a night of passion seems such a distant dream, I can only pretend that its not over, 
when in fact I guess I know it is, 18yrs and one miracle later I should be grateful, shouldn't I ?

 Twopence, your not alone x x 
~Dizzi~


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Sanfran - I am glad to see the pg is going well.I remember you getting pg on the ''desparate and panicky'' thread but i had a different name then so you probably didnt realise it was me! Thanks for 'not' saying a miracle might happen, that really hurts, as does ''well at least you have DD''. It so isnt about her.

I know what you mean about not focusing on what you do have, it is what I have been doing for so long and I want it to stop. I suppose at some point I will just have to accpet this is how I feel and move on. I am jealous of others (are we allowed to admit that?) and I think it is such a pointless emotion I don't to waste my time on it. 

I hope all goes well with the birth   I'll be keeping an eye out!!

Dizzi - I remember when I joined this thread and some months later you got your BFP and I was soooo pleased for you. You were one of the first to welcome me on here during chat and were a minefield of information.

I have had the 'being grateful' chat with my counsellor many times. Why should people like us 'be grateful' when the vast majority of the world don't have to be. It is only natural to want more children for some people (like us) so why can we not actually feel a little sad/ angry/ jealous when it doesnt happen. Life can be so unfair so should we really be grateful for what we have (there is no doubt we love our children) when others take it for granted? It is just an open ended question. Your feelings are your own and you control them, I am just making suggestions (which may well be very wrong).

If I ever win the lottery I'll pay for all the tx you need to get no 2   

Well I have now been back to the Dr and asked for some AD's as I am concerned things are going to spiral like when I had PND. She was very sympathetic. I then had a beautiful few days with DD who has suddenly developed the best ever habit of saying ''I love you mummy'' loads and giving me kisses. For those moments, I am always truly grateful.

Love to you all ladies xx


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## sosad (Mar 26, 2007)

Ohhh got tears in my eyes reading this thread big   to everyone.

Twopence & Dizzi we ARE grateful for what we have -all we want is what everyone else takes for granted  

sanfransisco - congratulations   

Mavz - I could have written that, though not as well  xx

 to purplejr, Kandykane and Donna Marie.

At 42 I'm overweight seperated with 3 m/c and a consultant who suggested I "draw a line under it".  Found myself heartbroken at my counselling appt yesterday giving him the I know I should be grateful but...... speech. He said pretty much the same, why wouldn't I want to repeat something that has brought me so much joy. Also Anti and Post natal depression combined with work and a lactose intolerant baby pretty much ruined the first 6 months together, and I will now never get that joy of holding my own sleeping tiny baby, of having even that.............You are not alone xx


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

sosad - sorry to read of your break up   

Your counsellor sounds like he has it spot on when asking why you wouldnt want to repeat it all again when it brings so much happiness.

I also had a tough first few months for a number of reasons and part of me feels so sad that there is no second chance to get that bit right.

Hi everyone else. Hope you are all OK today (and always)

Love me xx


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## wishing... (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Twopence,


I can understand why you re-read your post and couldn't believe it was your thoughts on the screen but my god, I feel exactly the same.  I sometimes think I'm over the pain and get on with life with our gorgeous son but something pulls me back again and I find myself trawling the internet for something that might give me hope.  And hence, I ended up on here again.  I haven't posted since my last miscarriage just over a year ago but reading your post and realising that I do still feel that way (despite trying to convince myself otherwise) forced me to reply.  For no real reason other than to let you know that you're not alone.  And so that I don't feel so alone, so selfish and so ungrateful.


We will all get through this, one day...


Wishing xx


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Hi Wishing,

Sorry to read of your miscarriages, it must have been so hard for you   I am like you, trawling the internet for something, just anything and then reminding myself that living with the hope is actually harder for me than facing reality.

Reality means an end to all the ttc and moving on and having a life for the three of us but while I have hope I can't do that. It sounds daft I know but that is how it is for me. I hope life is a bit easier for you.

We are speaking to the county council next week re fostering but I have a feeling we can't afford for me to give up work and do it. In that case, we'll hang on until we can look at adoption when DD is 4.

Enjoy your DS and thanks for your post. After not posting for a year I hope it makes you feel better in some way xx

Love twopence


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## Bettyboodevon (Nov 13, 2012)

Hello lovely ladies, reading your stories has been like reading my own thoughts. I have a wonderful 7 year old son, and 5 babies in heaven, and not a day goes by when I don't grieve for my DD that would have completed our family. Today was the end of that 10 year road for me after I got my period this morning following our one and only attempt at IVF, my tubes are so messed up that there's no other option for us now, and we can't afford another go. I still can't quite believe that its over. My son would be the best big brother in the world, and I feel like I am grieving for him too, that he won't have a sibling to love and support.

Much love to everyone here, I'm sure i will be posting again, but not strong enough yet.


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Bettyboodevon   

So sorry to read your story. I can empathise with your feelings of grief for your DS about not being a big brother. My DD is always asking for me to have a sister for her in my tummy and she has even given her a name - Elizabeth. Apparently she will help me pick her up from school. I try as hard as I can to explain to a two year old (who is three in January as she keeps telling me)   but it is so hard. I say now she is so special that mummy doesnt want a another baby as she is so special to me but I dont think she believes me. Esp as she has seen me so upset about it (not intentionally).

I hope you can find some peace but I know it is hard. I am supposed to be back on the pill to control my endo symptoms but I just can't quite get there yet as that really means no hope (because endometriosis, adenomyosis, lesions, blocked tubes and a really low AMH) aren't enough to convince me otherwise (as well as a Cons who has given me less than a 1% chance of getting PG even with tx).

Sorry to waffle, this was meant to offer you some   

Take care and come back and rant whenever you are ready.

Lots of love xx


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Well I am back here posting before the new year starts. 

I hope fpr many of us that our dreams come true but if we are posting on here it is so unlikely unless we change those dreams. I have alittle saying that I am currently carrying around with me which keeps me slightly on track.

''If you don't like something change it, if you can't change it then change the way you look at it''. 

I am going to keep this in my purse along with 

''it will be alright in the end. If it isn't alright then it isn't the end''.

A bit cheesy I know but sometimes we need a little something to stop is going completely   

I would like to wish you all a very happy new year and may you all find peace sooner rather than later.

Love to all xx


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