# Adoption UK



## HannahLou (May 22, 2011)

I have just popped over to adoption UK and have thoroughly depressed myself! It seems that everyone on there is having horrible experiences with their children as they get older and i have now worked myself into a flap thinking about it!! But i also feel that a lot of the behaviour mentioned could be nothing to do with adoption but normal pre-teen/teen issues. Do you think society had already labelled out LO's as troubled and will it stick with them forever like a huge black cloud?! Thinking that people will judge my daughter in that way infuriates me. Has anyone had any experience of this? I wish i hadn't bothered looking now! I much prefer you friendly lot 


Xxxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi HL,

This thread should give you good context. http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=318212.msg5719517#msg5719517

IMHO I think adopted teens have a bit more than the average teen to work through and yes at times it may be very tough - I had a close friend who was adopted and know what they struggled with. I have the most gorgeous son through adoption and I'll be there for him to support him no matter what (the same I would do for a BC). The details on AUK and from my local AUK group show that there is definitely more tough situations and I feel knowledge is power in preparing me to be able to help my son (and those who've been there can help signpost where to get help).

I just hope more work goes into post adoption resources to help all of us during any tough times we have (that's adoption & early trauma related).
X


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## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

I think its like lot of things gertie people arerthe first to complain or wrote bad reviews or bad blogs its easier now adays to spread bad news rather than good snd I agree this site is fantasic....
of course we are all gonna come across rough patches and we all know our children could potentially struggle at points in there life as long as we are good parents and there for them when they need us all negatives can be turnt into positives...hope this helps x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Laws1612 said:


> I think its like lot of things gertie people arerthe first to complain or wrote bad reviews or bad blogs its easier now adays to spread bad news rather than good snd I agree this site is fantasic....
> of course we are all gonna come across rough patches and we all know our children could potentially struggle at points in there life as long as we are good parents and there for them when they need us all negatives can be turnt into positives...hope this helps x


I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. There's a lot more to parenting severely traumatised children than being there for them and being good parents. For some children being a good parent isn't enough, you have to be a perfect parent, all the time, and a therapist, all the time, and even if you could somehow manage that impossible feat progress is still slow and uncertain, and help is hard to come by. I think AUK is worth reading not because I think it's representative of what life will probably be like with an adopted child, but because it can show you what life could be like, and I think it helps to be prepared for the possibility of a child for whom love is not enough to fix all. I don't often post on there, because I find there's a core of posters who are severely negative and can be quite hostile, which I have definitely come on the wrong end of a couple of times in the past! I wouldn't use it as a source of support, which is one of the reasons why I like this site, the community here are generally very supportive. However, I do find it a good source of information and advice at times.

My feeling is generally that people for whom life is going well several years on from adopting are busy enjoying their families and the ones posting on forums are probably the ones who are struggling the most, which is why I don't generally feel that AUK is representative of adopters across the board, but I still think it's worth looking at, especially when considering matching criteria.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Considering the internet is such a huge place, it's amazing that there aren't that many UK forums for adopters.

With that in mind, that may be the reason why you get such an influx of negatively charged stories on AdoptionUK, there sin't many places for those with positive experiences to go (FF excluded).

I know that as a man on these boards I'm one of few, but I find this forum to be one of the most welcoming amongst the range of forums I contribute to.

Paul x


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

I completely agree with wyxie, I read but very rarely post on AUK these days, but I have to say I am so glad that I read and read those boards before my son came home, even then and the fact that I had worked within social services with children going through the  care system did not prepare me for parenting such a traumatised child, the people who post on there do so because they need the support, loving these children is just not enough, they do need a specialised type of parenting, having adopted twice you need to be able to adapt to your child's needs, what works for most children on the whole just does not work for our children.

We have on times hit rock bottom with our son, to the point we have thought we would never come out the other side, but I would not change him for the world and feel privileged to have him in our lives, it's not easy it's dam hard but my children are my life.


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I should have read Wyxie's post before posting myself as I completely agree, and exactly what Minimoo says too.

Even with a child we thought didn't have any background issues, we are finding strange behaviors which the social workers didn't believe until our 3 month review!!

We have managed to progress without their help so far but we really need some professional input.


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

I also agree with Wyxie and Miny Moo, the Adoption UK boards are a great source of information and I've found them really helpful, although definitely also a scary read when I was in the contemplating stage of adoption.

You can't ignore that a significant proportion of adopted families have some fairly severe problems - and for many families love and understanding, although obviously important, is never going to be enough. As well as the early trauma and attachment difficulties many adopted children experience, they will also live with the increased genetic possibility for ASD, ADHD and mental health problems as well as their likely (although not always confirmed) exposure to drugs and alcohol in utero, which can impact on behaviour and learning

Here is some of the most recent evidence:
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/beyond-the-adoption-order-challenges-intervention-disruption

Saying all this, we've had a really positive experience so far - however, I've read and read the Adoption UK boards and I think much of the advice given has been hugely helpful for allowing my AS to settle - although I think he was most helped by having the most wonderful and devoted foster family since birth, which was totally out of my control and helped him to trust even when his world was turned upside down. We're still early days though and I definitely have my eyes open for possible future problems


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Ah yes, do not challenge the orthodoxy on the AUK website, scariness ensues! I tried mirth the other day, that went down like a lead balloon (and it was not a serious/sensitive topic).

I would tend to use it for a specific query or plea for info but feel more comfortable hanging here or being myself a little more.

I like Wyxie and Daddyboo's posts too.  They are candid but not dogmatic.


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

As a prospective adopter, I feel that the Adoption UK forums have been very off putting and have even made me feel angry at times. One thread is about an adoptive mum who can't accept that her teenage daughter prefers Claires Accessories to Accessorize! She wonders why her daughter doesn't want to go to the theatre with her. IIt made me so cross as everyones replies were about how disgusted they were that their teenage adopted child was not like them, and how they behaved like a 'chav' instead of liking more cultured things like reading etc! Such snobbery. It seems there are many very unaccepting people who have issues themselves on these boards.

Im not denying that adoption is difficult, and no one is perfect. We all have bad days, and there are very difficult issues that arise from our situation that others do not understand. It's good to vent, but there is just far too much negativity outweighing the positives on Adoption Uk boards so I try to avoid them so far.


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## StarryEyed (Nov 9, 2013)

I have to agree that AUK is wonderful if you go into it looking at it as a way to gain as much information as possible but as a support network it's pretty pants IMO. FF seems much friendlier and whilst you'll get your fair share of negative stories and candid opinions, they tend to be shared firstly with tact and secondly from what seems a much more rounded view. AUK is great for preparing for the worst and thinking abut how you'll cope with all the potential issues that come with parenting a child who has been through trauma. FF is great for those who'll help you get through it and see the light at the end of the tunnel!


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

I've never seen a thread like that somedaysoon and it doesn't sound representative of Adoption UK.  I agree that it is not the best place to share good news and that a lot of advice can be given in quite a critical and forceful way, however, on the whole I've found it to be mostly sensible advice


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

I too was a bit taken aback by somedaysoons reply, I read AUK daily and don't remember ever seeing any posts like that, I have seen posts where posters are saying that they needed to learn to lower their expectations, but not in such as away as portrayed in the previous post.

I do get where people are coming from,there are 1or 2 posters who can be quite forceful with there opinions, there have also been some newly placed adopters who come along with some very weird ways of thinking, putting it politely. 

I just try to look beyond all that and use it as they are meant to be as a source of support. For the people who post on there with their problems, they are very real, I have met a lot of adopters off the boards, they are all great people just trying to do the best they can for their children and often surviving the best way they can.


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

I have just started reading the aduk forums again and where I feel they give valuable support it did seem quite a serious and tense undertone so I will dip in and out as needed! Use it as a resource and arm yourself with info, but...........

........All I'm going to say is I was adopted at the age of 8 following a very unpleasant history and yes I may have had a variety of issues growing up as a teen, I would say no more than average and I have not been judged, a great ( although not without angst) relationship with my parents and now been approved for adoption myself with my history and attitude as a bonus at panel!!! So it's not all doom and gloom


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## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

Phinie its nice to know that actually people van lead completely normal lives and for you to now be adopting yourself is a wonderful thing.....I think I will stick with ff this is my safe haven and actually not neededpto enquire any where else for knowledge as I have had all my questions answered and beyond..
im going to hear but not to listen to peoples negative experiences and then judge it for myself every situation is different....and in regards to people saying you need to be prefect parents there is no such thing all parents make mistakes and learn from them and for that I cant wait just to be a parent will be amazing for our little family...


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

I agree in that I have found AdoptionUK to be a valuable source of information. When I have felt at my wits end in the early days of placement with my son I have sought advice from there and had great feedback. I have a scour over the forum now and then and have picked up bits and bobs along the way that have been useful also. I wouldn't say it was full of negative posts but yes it is a place where people can go to seek advice and support. I think I was slightly naïve before I adopted my son but actually you could find yourself on adoptionuk needing help. I wouldn't change my son for the world but it's not all plain sailing. We see ourselves as a normal family but we do have behaviours related to lo's past and sometimes that's hard. We are all very different though, different coping levels, ways of parenting, triggers etc etc but just don't write adoptionuk forum off as actually that could be you and I think prior to adopting it's a good place to start for gaining information on what parenting could be like.


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## HannahLou (May 22, 2011)

Thank you for all your replies i really appreciate it. I think i just worry about what my daughter has to face and it also worries me that when she starts school and teachers know she is adopted that they will automatically label any 'normal' issues she has as problems stemming from adoption. I hate to think she will carry it round with her forever and reading AUK seemed to just back up my fears.


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

http://www.adoptionuk.org/forum-topic/was-predictable
I kid you not.....

This adoptive mum just wishes her girl could like 'literature, dogs, horse riding, theatre, Thai food' lol and says, 'My daughter knows that I find Claire's Accessories a real source of anxiousness and yet it's her spiritual home'. It would be laughable if it weren't for the poor girl who must live up to her bizarre expectations!


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## HannahLou (May 22, 2011)

Wow that made for entertaining reading!! Im glad that someone picked up on it being normal teenage behaviour for her daughter to want to do her eyebrows and talk like Catherine Tate! This is what i mean when i say people lump all out childrens 'quirks' and 'behaviour issues' on being adopted. And all that about adopters being middle class, me and my DH are common as muck haha


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Blimey.

Firstly I lolled mightily at the suggestion middle class girls don't truant, smoke or take drugs.  They were the main activities of a solid percentage of my middle class girls school.

Secondly, I know adopted children have different issues and experiences but surely they are not immune to the lure of teenage rebellion? I am not blithely saying that is all there is to it but if I had been force fed cultural activities at that age, that is how I would have reacted. In fact, Claire's Accessories was a big part of my style armoury way into my 20s.


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

Hannahlou I think that' s a bit of a generalisation but I can see to some extent what you mean. I personally think that sometimes people can play the whole trauma of adoption right down and not bear it in mind enough with regard to some children's behaviours but maybe I am wrong! Some posts I see whereby the parent is wondering why there child is doing x, y and z and lo has only been placed a couple of weeks with them! I certainly don't label my son and nor would I want others to but I think I parent him with his past experiences in mind and think out of the box!. One example of not taking my son's past experiences into mind was when I tried him at pre-school. His key worker was so in sensitive to him settling and what a big deal the change was for him, she felt he was just attention seeking and she really couldn't meet his needs at all. I think there is definitely a happy medium needed.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Thanks for the link, Someday, that was awesomely entertaining!

Joking aside, one of the attitudes (thankfully a rare one, but one expressed nonetheless) I like least in the adoption world is the throw-money-and-things-at-the-child-and-fix -them one.  As if affluence was the only thing missing.  Gah.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I actually thought that was a really interesting read..resonated with me because my DD 8 has been showing a touch of simiar rebellion for quite some while..and its not come from peers because not being at school means she doesnt have the usual peer pressure..(obviously she has friends but not large groups of them all copying each other day in day out) the 'look' she is cultivating isnt like anybody she knows and she has some very odd ideas on some things…all in all its really made me have a good hard think and thats never a bad thing..


kj x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Interesting.  I read the discussion on the Adoption UK link and I actually thought it was more about the original poster wanting the best for her child and wanting her to make 'good' choices, rather than being a 'snob'  

I think the point about Claires Accessories was more to do with the original poster's wish for her daughter to not be drawn to the 'Barbie' look at only 14 years of age (with the underlying 'sexual' undertones that brings), rather than any snobbery about that shop.

I thought it was fair enough, but I can see how the comments could be taken out of context and misunderstood as snobbery.  

X


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

I agree DE, I know where she us coming from, my son is certainly attracted to likewise children, and loves for want of a better word the Chav look, in fact when he 1st  came me and hubby used to jock how he loved to dress like a miny drug deal!!! It took us a long time to get him away from that 'look', and it wasn't because we were were being snobbish, we all want what's best for a our children, just sometimes we have to learn that they don't always see things our way!!


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Miny Moo said:


> I agree DE, I know where she us coming from, my son is certainly attracted to likewise children, and loves for want of a better word the Chav look, in fact when he 1st came me and hubby used to jock how he loved to dress like a miny drug deal!!! It took us a long time to get him away from that 'look', and it wasn't because we were were being snobbish, we all want what's best for a our children, just sometimes we have to learn that they don't always see things our way!!


I'm going to be honest here, I used to dress like that and take illegal drugs (cannabis & speed) but my background really is middle-class. 
My parents were definitely working class, we all have an attitude to go to work but something inside me decided to rebel, not as badly as my brother who went off the wall with recreational drugs (cannabis & cocaine).

Since our teenage years we have both gone on to successful careers within Engineering, I'm a professional Aeronautical Engineer and my brother is a Chartered Surveyor.

Please don't worry too much about how they act as yougsters, as long as you trust them then they will come to you if they ever feel in danger, and that's all that matters.

Paul x


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## HannahLou (May 22, 2011)

I agree Paul, well said


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