# Insecure Attachment or toddler



## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

hi all I don't post often but this forum has been a lifeline just by reading other people's posts and following your stories.  My little boy now two and a half came to us at 14 months in March last year following six months of mother and baby fc placement and then staying with same fc when the mother and baby placement disrupted until coming to us, initially it was hard he grieved and pushed us away we nearly disrupted as I felt for a time removing him from fc had been wrong decision, they wanted to adopt him so very tense intros, and he couldn't handle not being with them and I wasn't strong enough.  With a minor amount of support from ss we pulled through and things improved, my year was up from adoption leave in March this year and I went back to work five hours a day feeling confident our little man was secure enough to handle it he was doing so well and seem amazingly settled.  We had eased him into nursery from nov last year and I didn't return to work until March this year so we did stay and play, half an hour, increasing to an hour without me etc.  we have always transitioned him slowly, eased him into things and yet this last month he has been horrendous.  He has been potty trained for five months he is now pooing on floor calling himself naughty, we have totally ignored told him oops you missed potty and talk about something else, he tells me to leave him alone and the he doesn't like me. I tell him that's ok and I love him, he wants to do everything himself and screams and rages when I don't let him due to safety reasons.  He is sullen and sometimes looks so sad, he can't relax unless he is left alone to chill out without me or DH in room.  This has got worse over the past month, we went on holiday in early July and it was a mistake he had us to himself but was away from his routine so I know this is partly to blame but this extreme change is so frightening us. On the flip side he is exceptionally clingy to me.  I reached out to ss two days ago and told them we felt at crisis point, I am yet to receive a call back from post adoption team.!!!! We have sought a private therapist and have appt mid September.  I feel so sad for my ds, for me and for my amazing dh. I just want my ds to feel safe and secure and his behaviour is screaming that he is not I am doing all the attachment techniques and yet nothing works I am sure he picks up on my anxiety which won't help but I am only human and seeing a child so unsettled will surely cause the most  relaxed person to worry?! Any advice would be greatly appreciated xxxxx


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## Little Miss Giggles (Apr 1, 2009)

Hi Roonie,

I just wanted to reach out to you as it sounds like you are having a really hard time. I'm sorry but I can't offer any advice, more reassurance that they do go through difficult times at this age. Our little man is now 3.5, placed at 15 months and I know for us he often goes through phases of preferring one parent to the other and being really rejecting. When he was approx 2.5 his feelings were so big and he could make little sense of them so was much worse than he is now and holidays were a nightmare. I also wanted to offer a light at the end of the tunnel. Now he is a little older and his language is much better, we can talk about why he is angry or upset and that really helps. We can also give him as much info as possible prior to holidays, show him photos online, discuss the journey, what we will do whilst away etc and this has helped enormously. The last holiday was actually enjoyable! and he coped brilliantly with the change in routine. As for potty training, don't ask!!


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

It's so hard to know what's normal toddler behaviour and what is related to their adoption...

My 26m has been very difficult lately, really mean to his brother, was excellent at apologising and understanding hurt and is now categorically refusing to say sorry...I'm putting this down to a big change in the school holidays as he's at pre school so he's been off since July...

Hoping he's just a bit bored and will wear off when he starts back next week.

No wise words but hopefully it's a phase that will soon start to ease xx


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## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Hi Roonie, I'm so sorry you and your DS are struggling at the moment.  It's often very difficult to know whether our childrens behaviours are 'normal' or adoption related.  As first time parents we have little to compare to.  However the fact that you are conscious of your sons sadness is a great sign that you are doing a great job. If you were blissfully unaware - that would be worrying. 

My daughter went into foster care from birth and therefore her story is different but she also went through a difficult stage at around 2.5 years and I also sought advice from a social worker.  I still don't know whether it was normal 2.5 year behaviour or something more, but as her speech has developed, her emotions have too and she seems much happier.  I have also worked hard on building attachment but during this time I ramped it up so she knew that mummy wasn't going anywhere. 

At this age, many adopted children can experience a problem with 'permanency' as they start to realise that they are not an extension of you.  They start to question what happens when mummy is not in sight and do they continue to exist when they are asleep etc.  it's a difficult time for them.  My DD was very posessive of me and her toys, struggled to get to sleep and wouldn't play on her own without me in the room (but perfectly fine at nursery).  

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it may be normal and may pass as communication skills improve or it may be a symptom of something more.  Personally I would never underestimate the trauma our children have faced and would always seek help.  If it's normal then a bit of extra help will not do any harm, your son will never criticise you for doing too much. 

X


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Thanks for your advice ladies this is a marathon and hopefully with patience attention humour and love we will get there xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

How's it going, roonie?  Hope you get the help you need.  Don't be hard on yourself, and look for the easy ways to accomplish things - you can change bad habits in time, but you need to survive now!

It was at about age 2.5 that I was in the spare room with the phone, sobbing down the phone at my agency's manager that I was afraid I was going to snap, with the door barricaded against an hysterically laughing child who was trying to beat me around the head with anything hard he could get his hands on.

I can actually laugh about it now!  ;-)

By 3 years, I think most of his behaviours were age related, with just some residual unsettled responses to change.    I wish you could have seen us walking to school this morning.  We had the most fun, and he's settled beautifully at school.

It's going to be okay.  (((((((((hugs)))))))))


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Well done. It sounds like you are doing so well in difficult, really hard circumstances. I hope you can both keep going. Hugs. Keep us posted as we are thinking of you.
Gettina


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## roonie (Oct 20, 2010)

Hi girls thank you so much for all your support and advice, it's gold to know there are people out there who get it.  Things for us have got a lot better, I went to see a private attachment therapist who told me she felt like dick Turpin taking my money as I was doing all the right things, she supported choices we have made, advised in areas where I felt unsure and basically said this little boy has fallen in love with you and is so scared you will leave him so he is trying to control you leaving as it. Will then be his choice.  So sad, I love him so much and death aside I will never ever not be there for my precious little boy. The therapist also told me so much of our play is already therapplay and to just keep it up.  Dos was most definitely disrupted by nursery changes, he went up a group and then his key worker who has been with him since day one left, not ideal.  I had a word with them and they have made changes that make it easier transition wise when he goes in.  My dh and I have also decided me working five days for five hours just does not work for DS or any of us, I feel stressed all the time as not giving my all to anything so I resigned last week and made the decision to be a stay at home for a whole, ds will still do some nursery hours every week for socialisation and he does have fun once he has settled each day but this will give us more time together and hopefully work towards him feeling secure so that in two years time when he is off to school, eeeek, he will be ok.  I love my son I wish I could make things better for him, he seems better already since I have become less stressed and the behaviour he was exhibiting has lessened considerably, happy mummy happy child right now xxx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Roonie that's such wonderful news. You sound so much happier and you can tell you are less stressed by your post alone. Well done you and dh and keep up the good work xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

"this little boy has fallen in love with you and is so scared you will leave him so he is trying to control you leaving as it."  I know it's not the same scale as your situation, but this rang so true for our bad phase of several months during placement.

Heartfelt sympathies and hugs.  You're doing a GREAT job.


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