# Over 40 and suffering from severe anxiety before IVF with DE



## trixiebluebell (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi

This is the first time I have posted but I have read many threads searching for information relating to IVF with DE and they have been very helpful. 
I am 43 and got pregnant naturally but miscarried 2 years ago. I had all the usual investigations and was told by a clinic about 18 months ago that my AMH was 1.98 and that I had very little chance of conceiving with my own eggs. They advised to continue to try naturally for a year and then consider DE. I tried clomid for a few months but it didn't work.
I then began to look at DE and in particular abroad ( for a variety of reasons ). We settled on South Africa and began to search for a donor. We found one through an agency who was willing to donate in the UK but this fell through , so I continued to look and found a perfect donor based in South Africa who agreed to donate. I was scheduled for a hysteroscopy to a remove a small polyp which went well but as soon as this was complete and we were ready to go ahead I began to experience severe anxiety leading to horrible panic attacks.
I went to my very understanding GP and she suggested that I might have developed a panic disorder or had a bad reaction to the anaesthetic but after contacting the hospital and after no improvement I went back to see her . I tried medication, seeing a psychotherapist for a few sessions,  meditation and exercise and nothing improved it. We booked the flights to South Africa and my anxiety got worse. Only when I contacted the clinic abroad explaining my situation and the possibility that I might not be able to come for a fresh transfer did my anxiety lessen.
I am now at home while my partner has donated over in South Africa and we are waiting to hear about any embryos that make it to blast and can be frozen. I am currently seeing a counsellor who specialises in fertility counselling and third party reproduction and am only now beginning to realise that my anxiety probably stems from jumping straight into DE conception without grieving my own infertility first. I also haven't been through any IVF procedures prior to this as we were basically told it would be a waste of our money ( which I think it would be ) so the jump has been quite great.
My question is has anyone else been through severe anxiety prior to this kind of treatment and if so did it make you question if you were doing the right thing or make you feel negative or ambivalent towards motherhood ?


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## 39already (Apr 13, 2007)

I suffered with huge anxiety when I was told that a donor was available for me.  My head was a mess.  I very much wanted to go through with it but physically I just felt unable to - being able to stop crying and being able to breathe were, I felt, prerequisites to a successful cycle!    It felt very much a head/heart split to me and as I couldn't reconcile it I let the donor go (though I am held on the waiting list - backup which gave me reassurance).  I don't believe that many people go into donor eggs without some work required at letting go/reconciliation/acceptance.  I was told by someone that when I was ready it wouldn't feel such a huge step - it would be the first choice and not the last.

You are very much not alone and have been very wise in freezing the embryos.  This will give you the time you need to come to some resolution one way or another.  You have time now, you can breathe and process it all


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## trixiebluebell (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi 39 already

Thanks for replying I was beginning to think no one would .... It is very reassuring to find someone else who is experiencing a similar reaction to using donor eggs as me. You hit the nail on the head when you said it was a physical reaction too . I also felt like my body wouldn't let me do it, wouldn't allow me to board a plane and go . It began with tension building over days followed by what I can only describe as a panic attack and the need to escape. This lasted 6 weeks and so my partner had to go alone.  My panic attacks involved going very cold, shaking , hyperventilating and hysterical crying. Before I knew what the reason for them was ( I have had less severe panic attacks in the past related to public speaking ) I truly thought I was going bonkers !!
Your advice is very sound. My counsellor mentioned that the waiting lists for DE IVF in this country have gone down from around 6 months previously but is not necessarily sure that this is a good thing as she thinks most people need a fair period of coming to terms with not using their own eggs and looking at any fears and anxieties around using a donor.
I also come at this from a weird angle as I had sort of resigned myself to the fact I would not have children, throughout my 20's and 30's as I carry a rare genetic disease and thought I would definitely pass it on. Only after meeting my partner did the thought of having children cross my mind so we both got tested and it revealed only a slim chance of having a child with the disease. By the time we began to try I was already 40 and the rest is history. So I've been from ' can't have children and don't want ' to  ' maybe I can and do  ? ' to ' yes I do ' and then at this point I realized I had probably left it too late to use my own eggs.... Lots to think about. I'm waiting to hear if any of the embryos can be frozen.
You say you are on a waiting list now, are you seeing anyone to work through your anxiety or are you speaking to close family and friends ? 

Trixiebluebell X


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## 39already (Apr 13, 2007)

No I'm not seeing anyone or talking to anyone about it.  I find it reassuring to know that I am on hold on the waiting list - my assumption is that I would not have to wait long if I decided to go for it, but I could be wrong!  At this point in time I do not think I can go for it.  I haven't let go of my own eggs yet - even though I am now 45    I really want to try a donor sperm IUI but this too brings up questions.  My DP gave the go ahead but I am conscious that it is me driving this process and to be honest it always has been.  My DP is happy with the current position whilst I still want another child ( we were successful on a 3rd ICSI cycle).  What of course I really want is another child that is part of the two of us but after 6 ICSI's I just haven't got it in me emotionally or financially to go down this road.

Do you feel that you have given up on your own eggs?  I know it is harder but at 43 you do still have an own egg option.  Yonks ago I had an antral follicle count that wrote me off straightaway as it was so poor.  I also had a fluctuating FSH with highest of 19.  I'm not so sure about AMH but wonder if that also fluctuates - just a thought.

I guess in your position I would be thinking about how I am feeling waiting to hear about whether the embryos were good enough to freeze or not. What answer will give you the most relief? To hear that there are some frozen or there are not?


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## trixiebluebell (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds like you've had a rough time, you might benefit from talking to someone, even a close friend that you can confide in. Would donor sperm not still make you anxious ? I know I would probably feel similar about this as I do about someone else's eggs. It so hard to know how you are going to feel. My reaction to this whole process took me completely by surprise as I'd been really practical about finding clinics, searching for a donor , scheduling polyp surgery then bam! 
I'm not sure I want to go back to thinking about using my own eggs although I did start thinking about DHEA and then realised I was probably just backtracking. I don't want to raise my hopes again and take a step backward in the grieving process. I was told that I had as much chance of conceiving naturally as i did doing IVF and to go off and try for a year ( which we did ) My levels were all good and normal a year or so ago but I think my FSH has risen in that time. I just think the quality of my eggs is normal for my age ( not very good ) and so that increases the risks of congenital diseases and miscarriage . I saw my miscarriage as a foetus that wasn't growing right, that's how I dealt with it .
I'm still not sure how I feel about the egg freezing thing, I am literally waiting to hear as I type this as my partner has just returned and has a consent form to sign. I feel like we should try and freeze some if they are viable as a sort of insurance policy for the future ( a bit like you being on your waiting list )
I do know that my polyps may return and I have said I don't want any further surgery so there is a bit of a time constraint on my situation. If that was the case and I was adamant I wanted a child surrogacy would maybe be the next step although that may be too complicated and costly. I sometimes feel I wish I had never opened this can of worms and was still living in ingorant bliss about motherhood !  
Oh well lets see what the day brings .......


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## trixiebluebell (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi Beadle

Yes I totally agree with the fact that one session counselling may not be enough time to explore all the issues and questions that arise from the donor process. As I chose to go abroad I wasn't offered counselling so I have only just sought it out myself. Before that I had started to see a psychotherapist who although was nice was the wrong kind of person to see. I am happy with the lady I am seeing now and I hope that she can help me come to terms with my infertility and in the long run get to a place where I can make a decision that is not based on how my body is reacting to the situation. What that decision will be I'm not sure but I do know that the sessions give me a comfortable peaceful place to speak openly about my fears and cry ( which I seem to do a lot there ! )
I did post on the other board to see what response I would get and although the ladies were very nice I did feel to say that compared to normal IVF ( which I haven't been through ) DE IVF was ' a doddle ' kind of made me feel that my feelings weren't valid or as extreme as someone who has been doing IVF a long time. I'm sure they didn't mean to come across like that and it's hard to feel the sentiment from the printed word but I had been reluctant to post on this website as I felt by saying that I was ambivalent towards motherhood was somehow some sort of taboo.
I feel comfort in knowing that others are experiencing similar things. Thanks for your advice X


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## trixiebluebell (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi beadle1

Yes we got 6 embryos to freeze in the end. It's funny but when I heard the news I didn't have any anxiety but as soon as I contacted the clinic about possible future plans my anxiety shot up. It's like this horrible creeping feeling up my shoulders and neck. I wish I could get rid of it. I'm afraid I now associate the whole process with this feeling so as soon as I start to think about it comes back.  
How about you ? Where are you up to with it all now ?

Trixiebluebell X


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## mikapika (Dec 20, 2011)

It took me 3 years from hearing about the impossibility of using own eggs to beginning the DE process. 3 years with regular weekly therapy and couples therapy too. Its no small feet. It cant be rushed. I am now pregnant with twins at 45 after DE this summer. The advise from our fellow posters is right. Be ind to yourself and give yourself TIME x


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## trixiebluebell (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi mikapika

Thanks for your message. I can totally understand how it took you 3 years to come to the decision and I'm very happy for you that you went ahead. I hope that it doesn't take me quite as long as I also know my uterus probably won't be up to it if I ponder it too long but I also want to make the most informed decision I can. Counselling is is helping I just hope that I make some progress towards a decision whatever that may be. Listening to people's similar experiences on here have helped a lot. I'm not the type of person who would jump out of a plane so I find it hard to take that leap of faith....

Trixiebluebell X


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