# New to ff and feeling very down.



## elvira84 (Apr 5, 2014)

Hello everyone, 
My name is Helen, I'm 29 from the forest of dean. My partner and I have been ttc for 2 years, the longest 2 years of my life. I've always had quite irregular cycles and very painful periods and had been trying to get it investigated for some time previous to actually starting ttc but was always fobbed off because 'I'm young'. In April 2013 I had an hsg exam which showed what they thought to be both tubes blocked. In september 2013 I had a salpingectomy where they removed my right tube, they found my left to be still viable. In November 2013 I was prescribed 6 months of clomid, 3 rounds down an still bfn. In fact, I dint even test any more. We've decided to take a couple of months off before the last 3 rounds.
I've decided to join this site as I am desperately unhappy and none of my friends and family understand what I'm going through. I have watched everyone around me have babies, my friends, my brother, even my dad and his new wife! All I want is one of my own.
The latest blow has been my 'best' friend. I received an out of the blue text message telling me that she was pregnant with her 3rd, due in October but I was at work when she sent it so I didn't read it until I got home and she'd already put the scan picture on ********. I have now deleted my ******** account. I feel so betrayed by her. She knew what I'm going through so why couldn't she have told be sooner, before rubbing it in my face? I haven't even answered the message, I cant. 
I don't know how to cope. People say such thoughtless things. I recently told a very close family member about the side effects of Clomid and how poorly its making me feel, her response was "well, you don't have to take it do you." Would they say that about any other specialist prescribed medicine? Would they say to a pregnant woman complaining of morning sickness 'well, you don't have to be pregnant,do you'. I think not!!
I feel so alone and don't know how I can carry on.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Elvira - first of all I want to give you a huge hug  .  Coping with IF is horrible and noone truly understands what it feels like unless they have experienced it themselves.  Friends and family constantly seem to say insensitive and down right cruel things because they just don't get it and usually don't realize how upsetting daft throw away comments are.

I can honestly say that I have found so much support and knowledge from this site, from people who have been through or are currently going through the same feelings and experiences as me.  Treatment is hard, there are no guarantees that it will work at any stage but it is a vital means to at least try to get our much dreamed of families.  The lovely people on this site will help you through each stage.

The best decision I made was to delete my ******** account, I did it after coming home from finding out we'd lost our baby at just under 13 weeks and was greeted with pregnancy announcements, a 20 week scan photo and a comment on how overjoyed a friend was that she'd heard her baby's heartbeat for the first time!

Now I know these things still go on but they're not in my face - I hope you find this helps you a bit too.

Do you have any next steps in you're treatment planned?

Take care

Dory
xxx


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## Love London (Apr 5, 2014)

OMG Helen, I really feel for you! I've had 2 failed ICSI and now going for a donor egg. You are not alone here!
My family and close friends live up north and really can't offer much support. 
My brother in-law announced to the family at a busy restaurant last Sunday (Mothers Day) that he and his girlfriend are expecting (it wasn't planned). They had already told his parents (my in-laws) but wanted to make it official. I held it together through the meal, when they left the table I just burst into tears in front of everyone. I couldn't hold it in. My husband being a bloke, just sat silently, but I knew he was upset too. I am half expecting to see ******** plastered with scans!
The next day I sent a really lovely positive text to the girlfriend congratulating her and saying how happy I was for them both, when really I was so so upset at the way they announced it.! I really get on with my inlaws but I can't face them now, all they will be talking about is their excitement of becoming grandparents. I need to focus on my health and wellbeing but its hard!
You are right that most people do not understand what we are going through and they can be insensitive, they give us their pearls of wisdom as though they know everything, we just nod and go along with it, when really you just want to slap them across the face... I really would like to do that! I've kind of developed a thick skin and a fixed smile for public outings and just fall apart behind closed doors. 
You are not alone here.
Your friend seems to be wired the wrong way if she thinks that what she has done is perfectly ok. But I would say open your ******** account and just block all her posts and don't visit her page ... or go drastic and delete her. But for her to have been your best friend must mean that she has some connection with you?
The most important person in your life is the one standing by you through this. Everyone else just fades into the background.
And now you have 100's of people here who I'm sure will offer the words you need to hear.
I really hope that what I have written here doesn't upset you, but I really felt compelled to message you back as I understand your heartache. Again I say, you are not alone here!
Jane from London. xxx


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## elvira84 (Apr 5, 2014)

Thanks for the replies.  

I was supposed to go to an appointment with the iui and ivf clinic in january but after the receptionist was rude and the forms they sent offended me so badly I decided I wasn't ready to put myself through that just yet and my partner agreed since we had been prescribed the Clomid.

The thing with ******** is that its a constant bombardment! Not just close friends or even your friends at all and seeing that picture made me feel so sick that I just deleted myself there and then!

I feel awful for complaining when some couples have had a much worse time of it than us. Xxx


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Hi Helen,
Ah you poor thing you sound like you have had similar things happen to me! Agree with Dory, getting rid of ******** was definitely the best thing I did too!
So we have been ttc for 3 years I have polysistic ovaries but not the syndrome, basically I do not ovulate so I too took Clomid for 7 months but had no luck. 
We are now about to start our first cycle of ivf, why did the forms offend you? 

People say awful things, I am a size 10 but wear mainly lose tunics and leggings or skinny jeans and I am a hairdresser I think people are looking for it but I actually sometimes get asked if I am hiding something!? How rude!! 
I always get people say... How long have you been married now? How old are you etc etc! 
Sometimes feel like saying how much do you weigh now or something similar just to be cheeky! 
I have had pretty much every friend have a baby and when another gets married I dread them announcing a baby! Sounds awful I know. 

Anyway .... Keep your chin up! Thus website will help you a lot xx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi Elvira84,

Welcome to FF, as the others have said this is a great place to get support, I wishes I had joined ages ago!  

I was prescribed Clomid for 8 months and the side effects were hell!! I don't know how I took it for that long, it was horrible, I had really bad mood swings, my emotions were all over the place, I felt so stressed and irritable and the hot flushes...anywhere and everywhere they would just come over me, all of these symptoms were a pretty good contraceptive, as I didn't actually want my DH anywhere near me!!  I really feel for you, it is so tough. Someone also said something insensitive to me, along the lines of "I don't know why you want to put that stuff in your body anyway"...err hello...like I wanted to and was doing it just for kicks!!

I found relaxation and mindfulness helped me to deal with the side effects a little better, like when the hot flushes came over me, I would just try to be still and accept it was happening, rather than stress myself out more getting angry about it.  

I do hope that taking the clomid will pay off for you though, good luck  .


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## MrsRL (Dec 11, 2013)

Hi Helen and welcome to FF. I'm new here too. I wish I had found it sooner as it is helping me a lot already!

I'm sorry that your friends and family don't seem to understand. I agree with others that no-one truly understands until you go through it yourself. I have deleted my ******** account too. It was stressing me out and I'm already stressed enough as it is so decided just to get rid of it!! I hope it helps anyway. I can't believe that your clinic was rude too, that's awful!

When we were told a couple of weeks ago that our only chance of conceiving is through IVF I was shocked but accepted it quite quickly, it must now be sinking in more as I'm stressing and feeling emotional about everything now. I think it is natural to have up and down days though. 

I am going to acupuncture and I am going to start looking into other relaxation techniques such as yoga and mindfulness. Wisp - what have you used for mindfulness?

Good luck x


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

to FF, Helen !!!

I want to top up that hug that Dory gave you . It is so heartbreaking, you will find lots of people here who understand how you feel. I don´t think you can totally understand the effect that infertility has unless you have gone through it. How it takes over your whole life and effects every aspect. I struggled when others were pregnant, I lost a few friends because they didn´t understand why I couldn't spend as much time with them when they were pregnant. I remember running out of Ikea in tears because it seemed that every woman in there was pregnant. I can relate to what Jane said about family pregnancies, I didn´t didn't have as much contact with my brother and parents while his girlfriend was pregnant, there was no compassion for our situation at all, every time I had contact with the family it was all about the baby, constantly. I just couldnt take it. There is a "Coping With Infertility" section ~ CLICK HERE I hope that will help you, or just give you a place to vent!

I think it is probably a good thing to take a few months off treatment, I firmly believe that you have to be just as emotionally ready as physically. There is a "Ovulation Induction, Clomid & Tamoxifen" section ~ CLICK HERE and a diary section (which has a sub section for Clomid) ~ CLICK HERE where you could make your own diary, or read the experiences of others.

Here are a few other links that I think might help you.

Tubal Factors ~ CLICK HERE

South West ~ CLICK HERE

What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~   CLICK HERE

Chat Zone section which will give you info on upcoming chats in the chat room: CLICK HERE

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it.

Good luck!           

Sue


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

MrsRL - I downloaded 'The Mindfulness App' on to my Windows phone, it's really good because it has different lengths of meditations on it, so if you only have 15 minutes you can still squeeze some mindfulness in!  I also did an 8 week course through work, which helps you learn the basics in a group, doing avrious exercises.  You may be able to find a similar one in your area.

If you want to read up on it, Jon Kabat-Zinn is the main guy to look out for.  He has done a few things on You Tube so you can hear what he says about Mindfulness on there.


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## skye11 (Mar 9, 2011)

Hi Helen,  

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so down at the moment! Please know that you are not alone in feeling this way! You have come to the right place! 

I've been ttc for 6 years now. After lots of tests, I found out that my left tube was blocked. I felt really depressed during the time I was waiting for tests as I had such a long wait between them. I was in denial! All around me friends were announcing that they were pregnant and on ******** there were constantly posts showing people's baby pictures/ pregnancy announcements. It was all too much. Eventually, I deleted ******** and I avoided seeing friends who were pregnant.

I accepted I needed IVF and I'm only now starting tx for the first time. It's exciting and scary too.

My advice, is as others have said and delete ********.   Avoid seeing pregnant friends as your own mental state of mind is much more important. If your friends don't understand then they are not real friends! If is the hardest thing to come to terms with and you really do have to learn to put yourself first. People can be so insensitive. They have no idea how tough it is.

The way I look at it now is that you are just taking a different path to get that wee bundle of joy. Yes, it's challenging but for most also very rewarding. Of course there will be ups and downs along the way but think how much more you're gonna love your little one when they finally arrive and you'll appreciate them so much more! 

Wishing you all the luck in the world. Ff is here to support you every step of the way! 

Skye


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Totally agree Skye x


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## kappa (Dec 4, 2012)

I feel the same been trying to conceive for 4 years night and i'm fed up i was originally on clomid but it did nothing for me didn't even ovulate. Ive been on injectables for the last 7 months and it seems they're not working either. Ive looked into going private but just don't think we'll be able to afford it. Friends and family just don't understand and don't even realise the things they say are hurtful.


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## kappa (Dec 4, 2012)

*now


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi Kappa,

It's so stressful and devastating isn't it?! I'm sorry that the Clomid didn't work and the injections don't seem to be either.  I took Clomid for 8 months and it didn't help me to conceive either, just had horrible side effects and felt like a mad woman most of the time.  We don't think we can afford to go private either, so it's really frustrating and don't know what to do next.... . Hoping something changes for you soon.


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## kappa (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks Wisp there are just no words some days. The thought of never having a family is too much to bear. Have they suggested injections for you?x


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi kappa,

No, the Consultant said we had "reached the end of the road" in terms of what the NHS could offer us, so that was it , she didn't suggest anything else.  I have a new GP now, as we moved, and she has said she will refer us to our new local hospital to double check if anything was missed. So we'll see what they say.

I know it is such a horrible thought isn't it?! Sometimes it just hits me and I feel this pain deep in my stomach .


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## Flowerclaire (Apr 12, 2014)

Hi I'm also new to fertility friends so not sure how this works.
My long story
Me and my husband have been ttc for 3 and a half years, we've had all the tests done had clomid, tamoxifen laporscopy they have found a small case of endo but nothing to worrying to stop me getting pregnant . The next step is ivf we produce 12 eggs Which  8 fertilised 4 withered away but 4 went on to becoming blastocyst which us and the hospital are very pleased with so we used 1 and froze the 3 remaining, the first go failed we we're very upset but excited to use a frozen egg the next time well we have use the 2nd egg and again no luck , I'm now felling very tired and negative with this whole procedure I do have 2 left. this time  were not in a hurry like I was with the last 2. It is very frustrating as there is nothing really wrong with us, our 3rd attempt we have we may have a emdrometrial scratch done first so wondered if anyone has heard or had luck with this?


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Hi Flower claire. Maybe go on a bigger thread to get more replies to your questions. Possibly the ivf section? 
Fell for you. We are on our first cycle of ivf at the moment. Hard going isnt it? 
Hope that you get there soon but enjoy the rest inbetween x


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## Flowerclaire (Apr 12, 2014)

Hi perla
Thank you I will have a look , good luck with your treatment.x


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## kappa (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi wisp hope the new hospital does a bit more for you. I certainly wouldn't be accepting that 8 months of clomid is "the end of the road" for you. There's a lot more options out there. X


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