# Telling the ex wife we are adopting.



## libby29 (Dec 27, 2008)

Hi ladies and gents. Me and my husband are at the early stages of homestudy where we are giving ex's details etc. Do any of you have experience in telling an ex? Hubby is going to speak to her next week when he picks his daughters up but just has no idea how to bring it up as she knows nothing about our ttc. He doesn't want to go into all that but knows she'll ask and will probably be quite mean (he left her). So i suppose i'm asking how did everyone else do it without sharing all your private issues with them? Oh this is going to be so tough for him so just want to try and get him some advice. He's a good dad and he gets on reasonably well with her for the girls sake so know she wont go all out to bad mouth us to sw but its just hard having her know something so personal.
Thanks in advance xxxx


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## Guest (Dec 29, 2010)

I remember being quite nervous about telling my ex, but in the end he was fine about it and even gave me quite a nice reference.

The social workers are well aware that relationships are often strained with exes and don't expect a perfect reference, but need to check just in case a previous relationship showed evidence of harm to children.  

Hope that helps
Bop


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## libby29 (Dec 27, 2008)

Thanks for your reply Bop. I think she'll be just fine about it but its just a horrible thought that we have to tell her before we've even started really. There's people we would much rather tell first but think its too early as we know its going to be a long road. I suppose we just have to suck it up and just remember why we are doing this and in the long run does it really matter that she knows. Thanks again and have a happy new year hun xx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hey there

my dh had to tell his ex wife as well for same reasons and i also felt funny about it as we were only at the very start of the adoption road. she was aware that he had obv had his vas, so in that sense it was bit easier.  im sure she will be ok with it. ur dh doesnt need to go into too much detail....just that this is the route ur thinking about going down and that ss will need to speak to her about his parenting role etc.  

good luck and keep us posted xxxxxx


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## hollybolly (May 31, 2010)

Hi i was wondering if my ex husband would be contacted by social work if we did not have any children together?


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hi holly - yes i think they would contact him depending on the length of time u were together. xxxxx


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## Pink Lady 66 (Sep 3, 2008)

Camly said:


> hi holly - yes i think they would contact him depending on the length of time u were together. xxxxx


Yes they contacted my ex husband we were only married 1 year.


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## libby29 (Dec 27, 2008)

Yep they also told us that they would need details of anyone we were in a cohabiting relationship with aswell.


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

libby29 said:


> Yep they also told us that they would need details of anyone we were in a cohabiting relationship with aswell.


I'm sorry to hog this thread but I am a bit concerned about this - dh and I have never been married before but I was in a relationship for four years prior to meeting dh. We broke up because my ex-bf was an abusing, controlling alcoholic who made my life a living hell. I am really not happy that soc w would want to be in touch with him? I have not seen him in over 10 years and although I know where he is (through friends) I really don't want to rake up that part of my past. I'm happy I guess to talk to sw about the relationship; as I see it I was a young impressionable woman living away from home and he was a charming older man...

Getting out of that relationship took strength and courage and I gained emotionally from it, but just wonder now if they will see it that way...?? Any advice welcome...


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi Clomidia

I think Social Workers are very good at knowing that ex's are EX for a reason, and it sounds to me that you have very good reasons.  I would just tell the social worker that you have had no contact with him for more than 10 years, and therefore couldn't be absolutley sure where he is.  If he was controlling and abusive then this may in itself be good reason not to contact him as it may put you in a difficult situation, I'm sure SW will understand.

They will want to discuss the relationship in great detail, but you have obviously thought things through and reflected on it and SW will see this as a strength.

Try not to worry   

Bx


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Thanks Boggy 
I really appreciate your reply so quickly - I have been mulling this over in my head half the night! I do want to show it as a strength, because it takes a lot to leave someone like that, but of course I obviously feel a bit stupid for letting the relationship go on as long as it did! 

Btw, he was never physically abusive but was verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive, which in my mind still amounts to domestic violence. My dh is the complete and utter opposite and I waited a long time for him to come along and be my equal, my partner, my soul mate!! 

Thanks again


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## MrsKLC (May 17, 2005)

Hi Clomidia

I have been through a similar experience where i was in a very violent relationship for 4 years. I did tell my social worker all about it, but i told her i didnt want him contacted in any shape or form due to the violence i recieved from him. I told her to me that he was dead and i didnt want him knowing anything about me. She was fantastic, it did go in my report but i wasnt asked about it at panel. Please try not to worry yourself about this but as a rule they dont tend to contact ex abusive partners

I can honestly say that my social worker thought this experience as a positive, showing your strenghth and determination to change your life around, but also u have some experience as to how maybe a child would feel having experienced domestic violence as sometimes this may be the reason why an adoptive child is in care.

Good luck in your journey and hopefully soon you will hold your child in your arms. I have just been matched with a 13 month old little boy and it will happen to you also xxx


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

karen, thank you so much.  I am sorry to hear of your past but you really have made a wonderful life thereafter. 
That's wonderful news about your son; you must be beside yourself with excitement!! So pleased for you. x


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