# Have you thought about?????



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi 
Don't you just get a bit fed up of people suggesting things, when they haven't really got a clue about you? I can understand family and friends putting their foot in it. Although i think people are probably meaning well, why do they suggest things when they haven't really got a clue? Haven't got a clue what you have been through and what it has happened between the two of you?
I am always asked on numerous occassions have i thought about this? have i thought about that? And i want to reply, yes i have thought about flipping everything . No, i sat back for a few years whilst this IF was going on and i did nothing? what does it really matter? Do i have to explain anything really? people do not explain why they have children and i would never ask, as this seems to be all part of life. Are we different, something that most people cannot come to understand? Saying to someone that i am unable to have children can lead to all sorts of questions? Yes involuntary childlessness, not choice.! The firm favourite is, have you thought or had IVF? If i hear this suggestion anymore i think i am going to scream or laugh...I know they are probably being helpful, but you have to toughen up, to beable to start listening to these questions...
Do you understand where i am coming from??
Lots of love astridxx
P.s by the way i am ok!!!!


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## Anabelle (Nov 6, 2004)

Hiya Astrid

long time no speak hun  

I understand and can relate so much to what you have said.  People say really stoopid things, without a second thought, especially the comment "have you thought of IVF?" durrrr!!  I wish I had a quid for every stupid comment made over the years, I think I would be able to pay off my mortgage now!  The one about relaxing and going on holiday used to make me chuckle....no amount of relaxing is going to unstick my ovary from my bowel!

I think the majority of the time, people just dont know what to say and just say something stupid for the sake of saying something, but dont you wish they would keep their gobs shut and not say anything at all? 

I really do hope that you are OK as you have said, you are such a support to numerous people around here. 

Take care hunny

A
xx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi Astrid, 

I too have had a belly full of this - perhaps next weekend we could have a brainstorm of really good answers to the questions that would make people realise the 'error of ther ways'!

Aaarrgghhhhhh!

Love, 

Leoarna xx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Totally know what you mean

Im stick of the have you though your "trying to hard" , "maybe its not ment to be "

i know people dont know what to say at times but hey why no just say NOTHING!

at the mo as we are now applying to adopt we are getting "oh now your get preg" and "oh bless some poor little one will get a good home with you" 

xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Astrid
I too have experienced lots questions. It's very distressing. Especially at times when you're unable to answer. The "just relax you're trying too hard" has to take the cake!.
Last week I bought a new top which I thought I looked rather splendid in but I didn't realise when I wore it that it made me look a good 5 months pregnant!! I had 2 people in an afternoon ask me when I was due!! Why does your fertility (or lack of it in our cases) become such a topic general interest.

Lots love Joanne


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

What an interesting subject.

In the beginning, for us, it was the usual stupid comments of 'perhaps you're doing it wrong' YEAH THANKS FOR THAT.  I also had one so called friend who thought it a good idea to announce at the top of her voice in the middle of Woolies 'What, hasn't he got it in him'!  Needless to say I have not spoken to her since.  

The most annoying one is the have you tried IVF question because people assume it works for everyone so is the answer to our dreams.

I still never know whether to tell people or not, usually not - to save their embarrasment!  It depends on my mood at the time and the way in which the question is asked - I don't know about anyone else, but whatever I answer, be it to tell them we can't have kids or not, I always question my own judgement afterwards and wonder whether I should have said something else - aren't we hard on ourselves.  

On holidays we've had people look at us as if we're some kind of freaks when we've replied we don't have kids when they ask, it can be a bit of a conversation killer either way really. 

I think people just don't THINK cos if they thought of the consequences before they asked the question they'd never ask it.  Nosey b*ggers!  

Nix  
xx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Astrid - Great topic to raise!! My crazy fear is that although all my close friends know my childless situ and that tx can't help, they all still have that look in their eyes that tells me they just think it will happen by some natural miracle and that upsets me even more, the thought the are constantly looking at my belly and wishing for there to be a small bump and some miracle announcement.

Infact my fear about people (friends and strangers) constantly looking at my belly to see if I could be preg, was one of the many factors that made me get fit and loose weight. I have now almost reached my all time target, having shifted the two stone I put on with comfort eating during attempted tx. When I was on the tx journey, I actually deliberately liked putting on weight as it was sort of a crazy   way of my pretending it was a preg bump, so since tx had to end it became vital to me I had a nice flat fit tummy so I couldn't continue my delusion of pretending it was preg bump. Bet that is a new one for a motive to get fit!!

Dh has had zero sperm since his tumour, and I have abnormal eggs so it simply can't happen, and there have been times when I have wanted to wear a huge badge saying exactly this, so people stop holding out their false hope for me. That probably sounds awful, but it takes as you guys know all the strength in the world to have to come to terms with a never going to happen situation for yourself, that I just can't cope with thinking others around me are just not getting the raw reality of it, and still having those 'oh I am sure it'll just happen for them' thoughts. I can't bare the thought anyone is waiting or watching for me to have a miracle that is simply not physically possible!

End of my rant, apologies for that!!! Grrr I'm in wonky hormonal mood today, been like it all weekend and bit my poor hubbies head off. . . think he was actually excited to be going to work this morning. PMT don't you just love it . . NOT!   Monster sized chocolate needed to today me thinks!

Love
Hormonal Hippy!
xxxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Astrid, i think this post is good as we have heard it all before(and i think discussed it before on here too). But it needs to be ranted on every so often as people just never get any smarter/ more sensitive!!!

My dh went to a christening yesterday(without me) - but this time he didnt even put me thru the agonising as he told the couple involved(who he works with) that i was busy " as my sister was up and had to arrange wedding stuff "!!! Great that he took it all out of my hands. He called in to my mums after(where i was for dinner) and said that 2 others were there(the ones i ranted about in a past post- had 2 kids,decided wanted girl and hey presto!!!). I am so glad i didnt have to go- they think they are posh and becks!!! I just hope he didnt get asked by others "what about you?"- however since he has a 15 yr old dd all he has to say is
" Dont you know they all turn into teenagers!!!"   That should shut them up!!


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## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ladies

we have now had to come to the decision to stop IVF, but i understand 100% about comments like well it will come in the end its your stress ( i have a friend ) and have you looked at adoption, the best one i have only just received today is have you got children i said no she said ( oh so thats why you have a nice car and house then well you dont have to pay for anything else do you, ( l suppose thats your choice ) girls if i could have i would have hit the silly  but i didnt, i just said ,its not my choice l would give the car and house if only i could have a child, life is not that easy, she did not know what to say she just stood there with her mouth open, i was so angry but at the same time i slapped myself on the back for not snapping or crying with anger. how dare she, not even asked me why she just assumed, anyway just wanted to say i understand 100% is life going to be like this, ( judged) are we aliens to be honest me and my dh feel like it at the moment, 

Bell


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Good answer Bell...

I think my all time favourite is emcee's 'damn, I knew I forgot to do something.....!"

Love, 

Leoarna x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi all,

Don't start me!!!!!

This month I'd like to try:

"I've thought about giving rude replies to stupid questions. But I never dared!"

Or

"Would you like a list of everything I've thought of? How long have you got?"

love Jq xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Absolutely girls,

Why IS it there are so many bl**dy "know it alls" out there who THINK they know more about us than WE do, and more about what's good for us that we do and more about what we've "been through" than we do  (ie.  Making HUGE assumptions about what we CANT have tried yet)..?

What IS that all about

Bring on the cheeky responses PLEASE!!!!!!

Love to you all,
Gill xo


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## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ladies

l have two for you that one day l will use

1/ have you got children  reply no  why have you got children
2/ have you got children    reply  " computer said no " or nhs computer said no
3/ are you going to adopt  reply  i said to the social worker i dont want that one i want that one,

sorry sense of humour on a drive " hope they dont mean any offence to anyone, oh and sorry not two three

bell


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Excellent Bell, excellent!

Leoarna x


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Bell   loved the "NHS computer said No" comment, that really made me   hope I'll be brave enough to try that one out on someone as I'm sure would bring about an interesting reaction  

Love 
Hippy
xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Very Good Bell!!!!!       



Q: Why don't you adopt?
My husband replied once 'No, but why don't you?'


astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Excellent replies Bell and Astrid!

I had my hairdresser telling me on Saturday that 'ahh you never know, you might just get a miracle' to which I burst out laughing and said 'I don't want a miracle thanks, miracles always end in disasters for me'! This was after her asking about the IVF and me telling her for the umpteenth time we had walked away from it all last year yada yada yaaaaaa...

People just don't get it do they? *she said whistling as she dusted down her manual of insensitive comments comebacks*

love to all
Emcee x


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

This thread has really made me laugh and I was reminded of when an ex-girlfriend of my husbands suggested that we might have more luck if after we'd had sex I were to remain lying down and hold my legs in the air for 5 or 10 minutes afterwards so all the sperm would go rushing to all the right places and bingo! twins guaranteed.  

One of those occasions when friends are most definitely just for Christmas, not for life!

flipper

PS sorry if that rather unfortunate image puts you off eating your dinner tonight!


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Good job we can all laugh or we'd cry our eyes out (and sometimes do) at some of these stupid comments.

A dr told me recently that miracles do happen - with NO TUBES??!!  Was my reply, hey just call me Mary!!

LOL
xx


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## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ladies

My dh has ideas like that, i got home once and seen two hooks over the bed, i thought it was for one of those lovely curtains that you just put round the top of the bed but no we went to bed and did the business only once a month mind you and off course you know what happened next other than the rope came out and he hung me there for 48 hrs and guess what he said last chance got to give it all, but not at my expence and guess what yes it did not work just got rope burns but lost 3lbs, no Only Joking it was 72 hrs, bell


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Ha ha ha
I've often been tempted to say. "no we thought about it but then we looked at your children and changed our minds.." Guaranteed to loose a friend but then some people you want to loose...
lots love Jo


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Oh Jo go girl go! That is sooooo naughty! Best one yet!!!

Jq


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Well to be honest i agree with Jo...
A certain little human being came around our house last week and it was painful. He was a spoilt little thing, we both had a headache when he left. And when he went through the door my hubby went 'THank @@@@ for that'!!!
I couldn't stop laughing  , because my hubby went on to have a temper tandrum that lasted until the latter part of the evening. Saying i don't want one of those!!!! I had to tell him off in the end.,...but it was enough to put you off having children and go on the pill...(sorry if i have offended anyone)

love astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Aw .............

THATS BRILLIANT!!!      I would have LOVED to have had the guts to say that to somebody!!  That would have bl**dy shut them up .. and made them think twice the next time!!

BRING IT ON!!!

Love Gill xx


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