# Donor Sperm Journey



## TryingtoConceive (Apr 12, 2011)

Hello to all  

My husband and I recently found out that he is not producing sperm (biopsy confirmed this) and the reason we have not conceived. 

Although a sad and unfortunate news, for both myself and my husband, we have come to decide on the donor sperm route. 

Since we are going through the NHS, we have been told to attend two counseling sessions and then we will speak to the doctor.  So far we have been to our first session and found to it to be extremely helpful, especially in the amount of information that was given to us. 

We are so excited to start this process that we have begun to look at European and London sperm banks   

We are also anxious to start the process as we do not know if we will use IVF or IUI or the other one, which I forget lol either way, I do not mind.. as all I want to have a child with my husband.

I also have been giving a lot of thought to the issue of honesty with the babe when he is born -- should I tell him/her that daddy's seed did not work and so we had to get another one?  Or should we say nothing and hope that "what if" scenarios never occur. 

I would like to meet women and men who are in this situation or who have been through the process -- please feel free to discuss your opinions as I am non-judgmental


----------



## solomum (Apr 17, 2012)

I have dc children (sperm donation).  I've been open from the start.  I know many couples who have used egg and sperm donation and have been open - and feel that telling their child has been a blessing. Certainly the research backs up that it is easier to tell early than later. My own experience is that it has become part of my children's lives and their understanding of themselves.  It's also fantastic not to have a secret - which would be corrosive (I'd hate to think I was keeping something back from my children...secrets and lies fester).  

on a more practical level - unless you tell NOBODY AT ALL it is possible the story will leak out (this happens, fairly frequently). It is also possible it could leak out in an ugly way later if your relationship with your husband founders (also happens).  There is a general climate now of telling, accelerating over here, and if you don't tell you might find yourself out of step with the times and therefore feel obliged to tell later - and later disclosure is known to be detrimental to the child.  

Also, as DNA testing increases - and genealogy websites with DNA databases increasinglyly common - the chances are your child would find out anyway - by him or herself at some time in the future.  Which could be very damaging (and may hang over you well before it ever happens).

There's a lot of literature out there about the benefits of telling.  Start with the Donor conception network.  They also run 'talking and telling' workshops to guide you through the process.

But in my experience it's been incredibly easy and painless and I am so relieved that I am not constantly dodging around a secret and concealing fundamental truths (because that is what genetic origin is) from my children.

Hope this is useful.


----------



## solomum (Apr 17, 2012)

just seen above the line in the pink bit there are two huge threads on the pros and cons of disclosure!


----------



## Rachfins (Jun 18, 2010)

Have you had a look at the donor conception network website? A very helpful website.

I am currently pregnant from IUI and donor sperm. DH and I are planning to tell our child. Like solo mum said secrets do have a habit of coming out and causing trouble. My FIL found out hs mother had died at birth when he wa 13 from a relative. He did not know the woman he thought was his mother, was actually his step-mother. As you an imagine, ths did not go down well.

Counselling is an HFEA requirement not an NHS one, so even at private clinics you have to have it.

Whether you have IVF or IUI will depend on your Fertlity. Have you had any tests yet? You usually get an HSG test to see if your tubes are clear, if they are then you can usually have IUI. You will also hav an internal pelvic scan check everything else, along with blood tests.

Come and join the lovely ladies on the Anyone Else using donor sperm thread for support and advice:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=275244.760

Rach x


----------

