# Adoption



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi,

I have thought long and hard about this subject, since my recent post on another thread. I knew when I wrote it that it might be difficult reading for some people, and it seems I have upset some with my comments. I am writing this to clarify my position.

I am adopted. I have a large circle of friends who are adopted or who have adopted children. I am a psychologist with a special interest in adoption, and have experienced both infertility as well as being a step-parent to two boys, who are now adults. I have worked for many years professionally in adoption, both with adopted people (children and adults) as well as with adoptive parents. I believe I speak from a reasonably well qualified position. I do admit, however, that I have never been an adoptive parent - I would have been if I had adopted my step-children, and there are those who seem to think that this legal act is the only thing that would have made me suitably qualified to discuss this subject. I have never really wanted to adopt, because I knew that, deep down, I wanted a biological connection, and that another child would never truly be able to meet my own needs. How unfair would that be on a child? How much pressure, to try to be the child I had always dreamed I would have? What a message to send out - I adopted because I couldn't give birth. No wonder so many adopted people feel second best.

Adoption can work. I don't believe I have ever said otherwise. I, for example, love my adoptive family - I have no idea if it is the same as loving a biological family, but I care what happens to them, so guess it is the same. I am, however, too painfully aware of the stresses and strains of modern adoptive parenting, and the agony when it doesn't work out. Once upon a time, adoption was all about finding children for parents. Today adoption is about finding people who will be able to provide the support and care that a traumatised child will need. I have seen so many problems because parents think that all a child needs is to be loved and nurtured, and that this will undo all the hurt they have suffered through their earliest bad experiences. To anyone thinking of adopting I would say this: adoption can be a wonderful fulfilling experience for all involved (except maybe for birth family members, but that is a whole other subject) but please think long and hard before you take the plunge. It is not about meeting your needs, but about meeting the needs of the child. Read The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier, or When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. A very good introduction to adoptive parenting is First Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts by Caroline Archer.

Please take time to reflect on the fact that a child may not want to have been removed from its birth family - even though it has been abused over and over again. That child may blame you for all the neglect and hurt it has experienced, even though you didn't cause it - and that could manifest itself at any age, even when there haven't been any signs for many years.

It has not been my intention to upset anyone with my comments, but I have seen too much pain caused by unrealistic expectations. If you are thinking of adopting, then I wish you lots of luck and hope it works well for all involved.

Solitaire


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Solitaire
This has to be a quicky as I am just running out the door, but felt I wanted to reply. Thanks for this - I had read your previous post with interest - it did not upset me - I am grateful for any insights into adoption as i and dh are very seriously considering it. I completely understand what you say - we had very close family friends who adopted (i grew up with the adopted kids as my friends) and I saw how one of the children grew and blossomed into a healthy happy person, whilst 2 of the others really struggled and ended up breaking ties with their adoptive parents. It was utterly heartbreaking for everyone - so I am under no illusions how awful it can be. But (unfortunately), I've seen this sort of thing happen with birth parents and their children too..

Anyway, I have to go, but I just wanted to say that I think it's really good to have your input - as you say you've experienced things from all sides - so thanks  .
R x


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hey Solitaire, I read you're post on the other day and thought it was a brilliant, enlightened piece and what you've written today explains why. In fact I can think of few more more qualified than you to comment.

A family member adopted following a number of failed attempts at IVF and she says that she'd go through IVF again tomorrow because her inner need hasn't been satisfied. She loves her adopted child but....

And in my mind, that's a killer but.

I've never considered adopting, I'm not sure why, it's just not what I want from my life, I don't think I'd be any good at it and for whatever reason, other people's kids have always got on my nerves. 

Whenever I'm asked the usual "have we thought of" question, I say yes, and this is why it's not for me, it doesn't go down well!

Thanks for the post, I thought it was really interesting and honest.

flipper

PS As this is a sensitive subject, I'll be clear, I really admire those who adopt (and foster) and make a good job of it!


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## Fidget (Jan 27, 2005)

Solitaire,

I thought your post on the other thread was fantastic and enlightening and for one would never be upset by it........

Adoption is not always the right thing for people to do and isnt something anyone should go into lightly......... I also like Flipper feel immense admiration for people who can adopt/foster, sadly its not something we could ever do due to my childhood and resulting issues......... 

hugs

Debs
xxxxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Solitaire... your post was obviously written from the heart and from someone who has a unique perspective both personally and professionally - thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

Adoption is a tremendously difficult thing to go through for all parties concerned, and I take my hat off to those people out there who are able to foster or adopt. I've known a few people who are adopted or who have adopted kids themselves and know it is not an easy route to pursue. At least nowadays contact is maintained with birth family - hopefully things are changing for the better all round on the adoption front compared to how things used to be many years ago when all ties with birth parents and extended families were cut? 

Adoption isn't an option for me either and I get so wound up at well meaning people telling me that I should consider it - I bloody have considered it, thats why I know it isn't an option! I get fed up of telling people it isn't about me but all about the needs of a vulnerable child - most folk don't want to listen and seem to be of the opinion I am cutting my nose off to spite my face! DH has a DD - and her needs have to be considered in all of this too - again people think I'm being daft thinking about stuff like this - but I'll say it again it isn't about mine or DH's needs! Argh! 

Thanks for allowing me the space to get that off my chest folks! Fidget, do you ever get well meaning idiots preaching to you? It infuriates me! I am very sorry that you have been through a difficult childhood too... hopefully Solitaires post has helped us both with some good answers to folk who think they know best but are clueless about the whole IF adoption thing 

I'd like to reiterate what Flipper has said about this being a sensitive subject - I appreciate that there are many out there who may be upset by what has been written here - I hope my message hasn't come across as slating those who foster or adopt - far from it, I'm in admiration of them for being able to do something so selfless.

Love to all
Emcee x


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## Fidget (Jan 27, 2005)

Hi Emcee,

Yes I do get idiots preaching to me, I usually tell them its not for us, but I had one person tell me it was a very selfish thing IVF v's adoption and I should adopt........... to say this person got the full belt of info about my childhood and soon took back their comments is putting it mildly! funny they dont 'speak' to me anymore! I am ashamed I lost my temper but there you have it some times you just have to 'inform' insensitive idiots!   

Oh that I could face all the things we'd have to go through to adopt, but it isnt for us! and like you Emcee DF has a DS so he would have to be considered also! 

Thank you for the space and time to let all these things out   

Hugs to everyone here

Debs
xxxxxxxxxx


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