# Help! Advise... FC knowing mutual friends



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Help!

We have just had all the paperwork through for panel. We met with fc who were lovely however, now I know who they are and have been on ********, we have mural friends so now in a panic and a fluster!

How much do they know about lo?

How much have they likely shared and how likely is it that our mural friends will know... I feel really weird about this... Should I be or not?

Lo history is his and really worried about it.

We are due to go to panel next week... Hmmmm

Why is life never easy, any help appreciated xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Our fc knew very little about los history and would never have discussed the limited amount she did know.  It's a job and they should be professional about it.  Our fc hadn't seen the cpr just a brief profile  before agreeing placement.  Not sure what the norm is though x


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

How close are these mutual friends to you?

If it's a local placement going by the x degrees of separation on ******** it's going to happen...I hope their ** is totally private though?!?


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Deep breaths.  Frankly, I think the best thing you could do is discuss it with your SW, who will probably reassure you.  

Other than that, try and take a logical mind to it and do a kind of risk assessment... in other words, how LIKELY is it that FC will have shared confidential details with the mutual friends (I would suggest very unlikely) and what degree of HARM would occur if they had... again, although it feels really uncomfortable, it's unlikely to do you or your LO any harm.  

All of this kind of stuff seems very weird at this stage, when it's all so new, and adoption has moved from the theoretical (approval) to the real (it's a CHILD!  AIEEEEE!  ;-) ) but most of it starts to feel much more manageable and normal in time.  Apart from the really sensitive stuff, I tend to feel quite positive about people knowing that Bug was adopted etc, because I see it as a positive and triumphal thing.  And because as soon as they know what he's had to deal with, they can see HOW FREAKING AMAZING he is, and how well we've done.  

You've waited a long time for this, and I suspect you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and take it all away from you.  This isn't that kind of problem.  Chin up.  It's going to be great.


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

you've had some great advise on here. i agree you need to speak to your SW, raise any concerns and she will hopefully reassure you that all is ok. 

our FC knew all our LO's background as she had previously cared for his siblings and facilitated contact visits, so she had met birth parents many times. However, she took her job very seriously and i doubt she would have discussed LO's background with her friends. 

i hope you get reassuring feedback from your SW
good luck X


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

I know I am infrequent poster on these boards so forgive me for jumping in but felt I wanted to respond. We discovered just after introductions that our Lo's foster family was a niece of extremely close family friends. They see lo weekly. I know she also talks weekly to her niece and their family. I am not however concerned as we had total respect for the foster family who had been amazing with lo and I know they are nothing but professional and have no doubt that lo's story will remain with them. I think it is important to bear in mind that the foster family are professionals and are not the baddies in the situation and therefore not to be feared.

On the note of ******** I have noted in the past that you use ******** to check birth families out for mutual friends etc and have turned down links because of this. I do totally get this however I wanted to pass something that the excellent lady who took our adoption prep course said re ********. She urged all of us to resist the urge to ever look up our birth families on ******** because once you have opened that door it is impossible to turn back. She said 10 years ago pre ******** we would have been oblivious to all the extra info and adoption survived. There probably was always mutual friends around but we just would not have been aware and rarely would these links have been discovered. 

Please do not panic.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thank you pink.  I think ******** is an issue, and once we are through this process, I will be removing myself.  I am however so glad we had it, as our first link would have ended in disruption, due to being the great grandchildren of our in laws friends who frequent our house! All very complicated and I hope those two lovelies have a happy home.

The FC for our lo are lovely, I have only met them once and have done a great job with lo, and I would like to be in touch with them, however, I am concerned for Los story.  I know I should be more trusting however after just recieving yet more paperwork that doesn't belong to us, makes you think!!

We are too far in now to do anything else but proceed with our lo, I just want to wrap him up and keep him safe for as long as possible and I guess panic is starting to set it!!

Sw wasn't remotely concerned!  But then this would cause them a headache!

Aoc thank you.  I don't want bubbas story hidden away we are proud that he is ours through adoption and this will be no secret, though I want parts of his story to be his to share.  I am just worrying about nothing I know.  I love e way you talk about bug and can't wait to feel that our mine..... I can't believe I almost have my bubs!

I guess we suck it up and see.... I need to take a chill pill x

Thank you for all your comments.... It's amazing how irrational one can feel and out of control xx


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

Congratulations on your link. I know you have had a frustration journey to this point so relax now and enjoy! I think your social worker is right to be unconcerned about the foster carer link. Without saying exactly where I am from lets just say it is a relatively small area and you will never not have a mutual friend with anyone you meet. For this reason social workers are quite unconcerned  about connections within the field of adoption. Your previous link though I totally understand as that would have been too close for comfort.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I think this stage of adoption IS the most crazy and irrational.  It's your job to be completely neurotic and our job to keep you tethered, hug you calm, and cheer you on.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks Aoc I am crazy right now.... Feel very hormonal!! Totally irrational and sooooooo much work to finish off, and still no leaving date agreed grrrrr xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Plenty of water, plenty of b-vitamins, healthy amount of alcohol in the evening to wind down.    You're nearly there.


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