# Don't know if we are right people for Adoption



## talie (Mar 13, 2008)

Hi Ladies,

hope you don't mind me asking a few questions as we just don't know if adoption is right for us, it is still very early days after my last IVF too.

before my last treatment Dh and me did go to an info day about adoption in our area and as they were telling us what they want from us I was getting more and more turn off to it   maybe it was because in the back of our minds treatment hadn't finshed for us yet, but now it has maybe we should go back but when we was there I could have just sat there and   my way through with the stories they were telling us then at the end DH and me couldn't get out fast enough.

Question 1. My DH has a job that could send us all over the world for a few year so if we did adoption could we take our child or children out of the UK?

2. Do they do something like a closed adoption? I do understand they say for the child's sake to stay in contact with parts of there family but I can't help thinking I don't want to be a carer for a child I want to be mum, there life must have been really bad for them to be taken away so why didn't the family step in and put a stop to it, When we had our adoption talk they said we may need to send a monthly letter to the mum or the dad to tell them how the child/baby/children is getting on but I know!! I would find this hard as I just don't understand how someone could harm a child or let them be taken away. I know I sound really young and silly  but I'm just trying to understand it 

3. I know were not the perfect couple as were not open to taking on the biggist probs with a child which makes me think we shouldn't go for this, I just don't know  

Any info would be great, thanks girls 
talie x x x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

Only you will know if you're ready to be adoptive parents but I will try to answer your questions   

I'm not surprised you were put off from the info evening, they can be quite informative and overwhelming and if you haven't read too much about adoption they can sound daunting to prospective adopters, unfortunately the stories are true but they are rare.
Most children have some kind of contact with their birth family, for us it is letterbox once a year but I am still my sons mum.  Children are removed from their birth family for a whole host of reasons not just neglect or abuse, some birth mums are still children themselves, some have never been taught how to parent due to their own life experiences, some are drug or alcohol dependent.
If you were accepted onto the next stage of the process you would be invited along to a preperation course, this is where you would hear more stories of the types of birth parents there are and the importance of a childs story and why they have contact with birth family. 
Once you have an adoption order granted, most have no involvement with SS so you could take your child anywhere in the world, however you would have to go through all that with your sw during the home study assessment as they would have to be sure you're thinking of the child having thought of how yet another move could distress your child.
Adoption agencies will not be looking to find you a child, they look for parents for the children - We had a couple on our preperation course who were obviously hoping SS would find them their perfect child as 'they wouldn't take any old child' as they put it, they could not understand how important it is for a child to know their past, they had this idea that if they got a baby they could just tell the child when they're 11 that they're adopted    They were promptly dropped from the course! 

I am an adoptive mummy and proud to be,  we were linked with our son when he was 12 months old and he is now approaching 4, I could not love him any more if he had be born to me, he is my life and I am his.

If you haven't already have a read of the adoption stories on here - they're a great read.   

xxx


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## talie (Mar 13, 2008)

Hi Wynnster.

Thank you for answering my questions and all your fab info, I really do need to find out more so yes I'm going to read the stories on here.

Adoption sounds like it's worked out great for you, I'm just so fair wether about it, one day I think that it would be great and something I need to do, then next day I think what if it don't work out and we mess up a poor little one up even more by it not working!! did you feel like that?

I know we have a lot of love to give to a child that need it so maybe we to get them forms out and start thinking positive about adoption.

thankyou again Wynnster
talie x x x


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## Guest (Apr 25, 2011)

Hi Talie

Starting out on the Adoption path is a daunting thing and many of the information sessions do paint a very bleak picture.

The reality is that there is a spectrum and the situations you described are rare. A few children have very regular contact, most have more limited contact and a few have no contact. From my experiences on these boards annual or six monthly letters are more usual. We are unusual in that we do annual direct contact - it works for us but our children were older when they came to us and their birth mother is very supportive of us as their new parents. Most contact is at the discretion of the adoptive parents so you can change it as you think is necessary for your child(ren), but a complete lack of contact can be difficult as they get older and have a natural desire to want to find out more about their birth family.

In terms of moving - its not a huge issue as long as you are prepared to put the needs of the child first. We are about to relocate - still Scotland, but a couple of hours away. We've now had the kids three years and they are coping OK, but I think an earlier move could have been more traumatic for them. I also know of a couple who adopted and moved abroad and that has gone well for them. Once you are the legal poarents, you make the decisions for your child.

As for not taking on the hardest cases - its not for everyone. I knew I couldn't cope with a severely disabled child who needed a lot of personal care and we said that. There is no right and wrong - just right for you.

In your shoes, I'd probably take the view I wanted to find out more and see how you feel then. Do read the stories on here, do speak again to your LA and do read up on adoption, attachment and early trauma. Have you found the resource area as there might be some useful stuff there for you? http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=457.0

Hope you can make the right decision for you.

Bop


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## talie (Mar 13, 2008)

Hi Bop,

thank you so much for all your info, the more info we get is invaluable and I'm checking out your link.

As for not taking on the hardest cases - its not for everyone. I knew I couldn't cope with a severely disabled child who needed a lot of personal care and we said that. There is no right and wrong - just right for you. 
I'm glad you said that's as it really worries me - if a child come up with real hard probs that we can't deal with and say no are we the right people to do adoption at all!! but if were not the right couple for that child somebody would be wouldn't they?

the whole of adoption makes me feel so sad  think I need to toughen  up if were going down this path, I'm tough when it comes to IVF and mc but think is because this is new to us.

sounds like it's also worked out fab for your family and good luck with the move 
talie x x x


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## Mrs Dibbles (Aug 19, 2007)

When we were first considering adoption I "lurked" on the adoption board for ages reading peoples experiences before we came to a firm decision that adoption was the right path for us. After our failed IVF sessions we took time out for about six months having fun, enjoying life and essentially grieving the fact that we were not going to become biological parents. I found we needed to do this in order to make a clear desicion that we wanted to become adoptive parents and we haven't looked back since! 

Maybe your being abit hard on yourself as I can see from your profile that you have just had a failed IVF cycle. I would suggest that you don't make any firm decisions and give yourself time. Good luck with your journey whatever you decide to do.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi Talie

I have no experience of adoption. However, I do think the fact that you are being responsible and asking yourself these questions, and asking others for their thoughts speaks volumes.

The fact you have given a lot of consideration to the sort of child(ren) you could parent and can't understand some of the mysterious ways people treat their children displays that you have some of the traits already to be a great mom.

Good luck in your decision. 

Lots of love

F x


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## talie (Mar 13, 2008)

Hi Mrs Dibbles.

thank you I think Lurking on the adoption board is deff the right way to get info and your right about giving yourself time after coming to the end of IVF treatments and coming to term with fact that we will not become biological parents, enjoying live and having fun is on the top of my list at the mo   thank you again for your great post and good luck to you too x x x 

Hi Fraggles.

thank you for your lovely words    that was really nice of you, I see you are pg here's to a happy healthy pg and enjoy your little one x x x 
lots of love tal x x x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Talie

Stepping off the ivf rollercoaster and onto the adoption one is very scary, you go from the 'known' and 'comfortable' to the 'unknown' and 'new' and I know I certainly wasn't 100% sure that adoption was right for me when I made the phone call.  I looked on it as a learning curve, taking each step at a time, learning a bit more as I went along.  I came away from the info evening feeling despondant, they had said if you wanted pre-school one parent had to be home full time until school age.....after years of ivf we just couldn't afford for me to give up work completely for a number of years.....we felt like we'd hit a brick wall before we even got started.

We went on holiday and talked, changed our minds and changed them back again deciding we didn't want to live without children and so we had to find out more.  The initial meeting we had was a lot more positive and we felt much more upbeat, the prep course was emotionally draining but it made us more determined than ever.  

Towards the end of homestudy we did a matching pro-forma with our SW and, having learnt a lot about us and the things we could deal with, filled it in 100% honestly.  We didn't feel we could cope with children that had a life limiting illness or Downs for example but most of the list we put down as 'will to discuss' as having a visual impairment covers anything from needing classes to being completely blind for example - such huge ranges under the same heading.  Even with  this information a child may still not be right for you and you may turn down lots of children before finding the right one for your family but thats OK, you have to be completely honest and saying no to a child at report stage is far better than after intros start or placement has happened.

I think the time I was most sure that adoption was right for me was in the week leading up to approval panel, the thought of them saying no to us was just a nightmare and it showed me how much I had come to want to adopt and how important it was to me.

Good luck with your decision.
OT x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

It might help you to do some reading on open adoption - this describes a huge range from weekly/monthly visits with birth family to annual letters - but anything with some form of contact. We are really hoping to have some form of contact, because we have done some research and everything shows that it is the best for children to know where they come from, even if it's not safe for them to meet their birth family just now. 

Adoptive parents who see birth family regularly say they do NOT feel like carers, they ARE the child's parents, but it is a fact of adoption that your child has a biological family too.


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