# What did you say you could cope with and did your child reflect those choices?



## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Ok people, I am prepared for this to be a short thread, as this topic is so sensitive and appears to be talked about so little. But I think it's a critical part of adoption and it's very scary to me. 

So, we've recently researched and had the hs session about the start to life our future child might have had and what legacies from that, and other issues such as genetic conditions, we feel able and willing to cope with.

To put my cards on the table, as well as hoping for a one year old, we have said we would like a child with as few issues as possible. Yep, selfish, I know. I'm done beating myself up about it. There's been tears and guilt about the children out there but, our selfish wish for at least a chance of a relatively 'normal' family life is what it is. 
Having done lots of reading and thinking about the loss of birth and foster parents and attachment issues that seems a lot to deal with already. 

But we are aware if it weren't for other issues our future child wouldn't be in the position they will be in. So, at our meeting we said would consider to various things of course but just the more moderate end of the spectrums. Our sw was absolutely fine but seemed a bit surprised and said we will have a wait.

It feels like such a huge leap of faith - there are going to be so many unknowns. 

I am so loving reading about a good number of you meeting your little ones and the happiness of many of you who are now adoptive parents. Increasingly I am wondering though if you said yes - and might be made happy - by circumstances that would maybe have scared me off?

So, for anyone that doesn't mind sharing, what were/are you inclined to cope with and more importantly, for those who have been matched and brought your children home, do your children reflect the issues you were open to? Please will you pm me if you don't mind sharing but prefer to do so privately.

I hope this post isn't too direct and isn't considered inappropriate.  
I'm trying to get a feel for if we are being unrealistic and if the happiness others are feeling and that I so want might be a possibility given our hopes.

Thanks, Gettina x


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

We were pretty open to consider most things.... It is so hard to be black and white as there are degrees of every condition.....our age range was nought to five.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

We wondered a lot about this but having come from the world of dog rescue I have learned that you have to accept your limitations.  In that world I was forever telling prospective dog adopters not to accept the first dog they were offered just because they felt sorry for it or felt guilty about saying no, because the worst thing would be for either 1, them to go through the next 10 + years regretting taking that dog or 2, for that dog to come back to rescue because they couldn't cope.

I see that as being very similar to your responsibility to be honest and ensure you are matched to the right child to give you the best chance possible of succeeding. 

We said we would accept the lower end of most things, sight impairment, (needs glasses, not blind) hearing issues (needs gromits, not deaf), missing fingers and toes etc.  Illnesses and allergies that could be easily managed with drugs and diet.  But we would not accept known history of sexual abuse (we both wanted to be equally involved in LO's life, including bath times. dressing, going swimming etc).  We also started off applying for 2 siblings aged 0-6.  Trying to think back.  We basically wanted as few issues as possible but put 'would consider' on a lot of things because they could be so minor as to be a non issue so we didn't want to completely rule them out.  I would have struggled with a child with global delay or learning difficulties I think too. 

We have now been matched to a boy, aged 2 and a bit with no known illnesses or issues (apart from possible inter-uterine drug use but it seems to have left no lasting issues) and we couldn't have been luckier really! However, we can't tell what the future may hold for us all.  Then again, who can, birth parents have things crop up later in life they didn't know they would have to deal with when their child is born, however at that point LO will be our son, he will be a part of this family and he will be staying, whatever happens.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

I would also say a LO around 12 months will have very little diagnosed - most consultants won't diagnose FAS unless there is acute evidence BM drank heavily through pregnancy for Instance as the facial features are only apparent if BM drank at certain point in pregnancy as I understand. This was one of our areas of concern as we couldn't rule it out. 

Our LO has lots of uncertainty but is a pleasure and very much a normal little boy (albeit a small chap & behind with his peers but as he's so young we hope he will catch up  that respect). The future is just unknown but we are prepared for support in mainstream school or maybe some 121 time. 

I would agree with AK that you be honest - but I would also say by the end of HS & through profiles my DH and I were consideringlooking at more than originally we thought as by then we had researched and considered how we could manage. We were very open to things but our overriding thing was not too much known all at once - for instance a child with a physical disability & a global learning delay would maybe be too much for us, but each on their own would not have discounted.

I must admit I get concerned at "very little issues" being used as attatchment & prenatal experiences can cause so much anyway. As long as folks are still realistic that adoption is a leap of faith to a point and you committ to this LO for life. Most parents if children with disabilities/life limiting illnesses didn't get the choice and they cope (some simply thrive as that's their life & reality). 

This is one of the biggest challenges in modern adoption as the perfect life you imagined adapts. 

Sorry if this sounds negative, its just my feelings after coming through the process and being involved in my local AUK community. My little boy is perfect for us, his issues are very very manageable and our family life is very close to his we imagined life. 
Good luck x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

We said would consider to a no of issues but would like as straight forward as possible. Our lo was presented as meeting all mine stones and pretty straight forward but his bf has aspergers and ADHD and lo has a high chance of inheriting one or both. Lo has been with us for 5 months and is now nearly 28 months. He shows no sign at the moment of either condition but it is too early to be certain.  Life at the moment is normal family life and we have just been for a successful 2 night break.


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Gettina, we also asked for as little issues as possible and said there were certain things we'd consider if they were mild but we needed to feel comfortable to deal with things plus it's not just us but also our support network who will be caring for LO, better a longer wait then accepting a condition you are not happy with then a disruption...Our LO was under 9 months so we cannot be sure of any conditions that have yet to present but at the end of the day it's also about you and DH too x


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Great thread. I've been feeling terrible that in reality I do want a child with as few issues as posible. It's good to know others have felt the same.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We knew that we'd never have any information about our child's development given how young they would be when placed, but we did say we would not consider a child with a known developmental disability (such as Down Syndrome) where they'd need lifelong support, and although we'd consider genetic risk of quite a lot of things, I didn't think we could cope with schizophrenia.  We also said no known heavy alcohol abuse.  

I actually don't believe that any alcohol use at all in pregnancy is automatically going to lead to major problems - there just isn't the evidence that's true - and I knew we wouldn't know about lower levels of alcohol anyway. But I had to trust the SWs that they'd tell us if they saw our child's birth mother looking very intoxicated!

We don't know anything much about our little boy's birthfather, though, so we could have genetic issues we don't know about.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

When we were matched with Wyxling we were looking for a sibling group of two young children close in age, one under 12 months.

There were some issues I did not want to take on, in particular I said I would not consider a child where one or both parents had learning disabilities or certain mental health issues.  We also ruled out any child with schizophrenia in the family, which is ironic really for us, as my husband's sister is schizophrenic.  I also did not want a child with a strong possibility of FAS, i.e. bm with serious alcohol abuse, but we were willing to consider parents who'd taken drugs or used alcohol during pregnancy.  Most other things we said we were open to at the milder end.  I also said I did not want to consider a child with known serious behaviour issues because at the age range we were looking at, I did not feel that boded well for the future.  We expected some delay in development.

We were matched with Wyxling who was a single child with a birth sibling on the way.  It was considered very unlikely the birth sibling would be returned home and we were matched on the basis they would hope we also had the second child.  That was our hope too.  When we were matched with Wyxling we were told bm is a drug addict but had been on a low dose methadone programme through pregnancy and attended all her drug testing, so we knew no heroin use through most of her pregnancy.  She had been home with bm then into foster care so we knew there would be two moves.  Issues of neglect and domestic violence.  Also the possibility of a speech problem.  We were told she was attached well to foster carer, and was adaptable and would adjust well.  We knew that bm was probably using drugs in her 2nd pregnancy, and so the second child may well have more potential issues.

Some of the information we were given about Wyxling was correct, but we had a very difficult move from an incredibly hostile f/c to us and there were some serious complications in the foster placement which we weren't told about and which we absolutely did have a right to know about before the match was agreed.  Wyxling had some noticeable behaviour issues in foster care, and these dominated the first six months of placement.  Now I would not describe it as a behaviour problem, but a control and attachment issue.  In general her behaviour is OK but there's just something not quite right.  She has some attachment problems and struggles to self-regulate, which means she can become very agitated and hard to reach.  We're getting help with dealing with both these problems at the moment and she seems to be making very good progress.  Although in many ways she's doing well, there is most definitely an underlying problem.  I hope that because we've got help for her so young, we may work through things before she starts school, as that seems key to me in how things will go from there.  She is developing extremely well for her age and is very bright and inquisitive which is delightful.  While I'm aware that development as a toddler does not necessary follow through but she's so curious and clever, I find it hard to believe there will be serious problems with development in the future.  The speech problem never materialised.

With Bladelet there are significantly more unknowns.  BM was using drugs during pregnancy, and he was born addicted to heroin.  Wyxling and Bladelet have different biological fathers and Bladelet's biological father has some other issues which are concerning.  Bladelet is described as doing extremely well, but we accept there are questions over his development.  I think Bladelet alone would probably have been a "no" for us, certainly right on the edge of what we would consider, but there is a big draw to him because he is Wyxling's biological sibling.  The resemblance is very strong.  We did seriously think about whether he was the child we wanted, and I think he is.  I accept there's a possibility he may have development issues later on, although I obviously hope this isn't the case.  I think I feel better able to deal with that when we have one very bright child who satisfies the desire I have to teach, show, help learn.  Bladelet has just been with one f/c since birth and I hope will not have the same issues with attachment that Wyxling does.  I also hope we are better equipped to deal with problems like this now.  He is described very positively by his f/c in comparison to other babies she's looked after, and she has moved on a lot of babies.  I trust her call that at the moment at least, he is doing very well.

I think it is a trade off, almost, between the amount that's unknown about a child, and age, and of course with age comes a much more serious chance of problems as a result of past care, or lack thereof, abuse, and attachment.  

We too, just wanted our family.  Although I can honestly say that if I'd know about all Wyxling's problems and the situation she would come to us in, I would have said no, I wouldn't if I'd know what she was like as well, the other things we couldn't have known.  She is a very, very rewarding child in many, many ways, and she absolutely deserves a family who can do anything she needs to help her overcome her start in life.  She's loving, affectionate, kind, gentle, clever, cheeky, funny, and lots of other wonderful things.  She's also very scared of being abandoned and that can cause her to be very controlling and quite hostile to myself and my husband at times.  I am hopeful that together we can work through her problems.

Re: Evidence of alcohol in pregnancy causing issues, I agree that there's no evidence at all that alcohol use = problems.  I think there's a risk and I personally wouldn't consider drinking in pregnancy, but I do know people who have and all has been fine.  In fact my Mum, at her doctor's suggestion, drank a small bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale every day through 2nd and 3rd trimester, because she was anaemic.  I hate anecdotal evidence, and would never suggest that makes it OK to drink in pregnancy, but at the same time it is true that some people do drink in pregnancy and their kids are absolutely fine.  It's very rare that people drink heavily in pregnancy and their kids are fine, however.


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Thank you so much for sharing everyone. Every person's experience and insights are so helpful. 

Gettina


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

The research re:alcohol in pregnancy suggests there is a small window where the foetus is most receptive to developmental trauma. I suspect some people are more susceptible than others, too.

Our matching criteria was similar to thespouses, except we would accept increased risk of schizophrenia. We only refused to consider moderate to severe mobility disabilities, profound learning disabilities, severe sight disabilities, and sexualised behaviours.

I am less interested in "issues" and more interested in things like how the child processes sensory information, what they pay attention to, and so on. The older the child, the more I want to know about their experiences and their personality. In my opinion we all have issues, and I'm pretty sure what is normal to me would be an issue for someone else (and vice versa).  For example, my mum is on the autism spectrum, and, whether through nature or nurture, my brain works in a certain way that makes it easy for me to understand and relate to children with autism. I feel less stressed around children on the spectrum, because they make sense to me, so I can focus my energy on other things and enjoy myself more. In some ways, a neurotypical child might be the one with the "issue" in my family as we have all inadvertently learned to live successfully with (high functioning) autism. Our family has different ways of relating and different expectations about how people should relate. We meet each others needs in different ways. We express our needs in different ways.

And, I suppose, I don't see those different ways as issues. Some "ways" make more sense to me than others. I plan to be honest with the social worker and myself about those preferences, so that I am matched with a child whose "ways" closely match my own. I'm not sure it will matter much in the long run if they have 9 toes, a history of neglect, and are partially deaf. ...if I can relate to their experiences, empathise with their choices, provide them with opportunities to learn, and keep them safe and occupied, well... That is already loads more than they had before. And loads more than I had, too. 

I dare say we can know a lot more about how a young child will turn out than we currently profess. Look at their early experiences: who was present? What were those people like? How did they interact with each other? With the child? How did the child cope with being removed from their birth family? How did they cope with weaning or moving to solids or toilet training or having a sibling or going to school, and so on?

Sadly, as Wyxie pointed out, the provision of relevant information is at best limited and at worst obstructive. I guess it is easier for the care system to focus on tick boxes of disabilities and harmful experiences then offer a comprehensive assessment of a child's early experiences? Like I said to my social workers, I don't want to know only that a child has been neglected by his alcoholic learning disabled mum and abused by her violent boyfriend... I want to know how the child responded to that. I want to know about the _child_.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Really interesting thanks ladies x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Handstitchedmum, I think the answer to what you want to know lies with the foster carer, not the social worker.  The social worker wants to place the child, and may perhaps not mention things they think you don't need to know, or at best they simply won't know the child that well.  The foster carer on the other hand should do.  I think for us, the second time round, that was the meeting where we decided we definitely did want Bladelet, not the meeting with the Social Worker.

We felt very strongly after our experience with Wyxling's SW, that we would not have another child placed unless we were happy with how the foster carer described the child, and we had confidence in the foster carer's judgement, and their ability to move the child on.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Thanks Wyxie - I will make that a priority meeting for any link.


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi


This is something that I was worried about before adopting. We wanted as little issues as possible so we were really surprised when we got our lo's profile, he was 6 months, showing all the normal development signs and the only issue was a lazy eye. In fact our sw kept telling us we should go for as young as possible and for as little issues as possible.


We adopted him 3 months later when he was 10 months old and he really has been a very normal child since we got him. He walked at 13 months and I don't see any difference between him and any of his little friends. We recently went to a nursery parents evening (he is now nearly 3) and we were told he is meeting all milestones and is even more advanced in certain respects (proud parent!)   . 


So it can happen, of course when you adopt young it is harder to gauge what will come in future and only time can tell. But I sometimes forget he has not been with us all his life and that he is adopted. 


Good luck! X


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