# Who do you use for referees for adoption?



## JudithS (Feb 12, 2006)

Hello,
I have just got the book "Adopting a child" from the British Association of Adoption & Fostering. It says if you want to adopt, the agency will interview "at least" three referees, two of whom should be close friends of long standing.
I might sound like Billy No Mates, but I really can't think of even two people who fall into this category! Yes, I have long-standing friends, but not people I confide in: I am quite a private person. Also, the people I* do * know, I always told I did not want kids (which was true when I was young and then I said it as a defence mechanism).
I guess this makes me unsuitable for adoption?


----------



## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Judith

I'm sure your not billy no mates!! 

If you can not honestly think of one suitable person then the best thing to do is when you approach a SS & have been assigned a SW is to chat to them, I'm sure they will come up with some ideas.

Can't help but read your signature at the end of your post, are you both sure you want to adopt as you say DP doesn't?  You really need to be 100% sure this is what you want to do.  I'm sure you've given it lots of thought & I wish you lots of luck.

Andrea
xx


----------



## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Judith
So sorry for your experiences, this IF thing can be so hard. It is still quite soon after your loss and I know the grief is awful!
We first discussed going the adoption route just after our last disastrous consultation regarding IVF/ICSI and the planning for it help me 'get over' (of course, you never do) the bad news, it was another goal to aim for, it helped during the shock (we are just about to start our Home Study after completing our Prep Course in June).
We were in the same boat as you earlier this year... we had this form staring us in the face and that was the last question we had to fill in (we kept putting it off). Our one family member was difficult enough (we don't have big families, especially in England, mine are mostly in Ireland), but my sister has always been a brick, so she was the obvious (and really 'only' choice). As for friends!!! We definitely ARE Billy No Mates! We have kept ourselves to ourselves and 'lost' friends as we've battled with IF, but we still managed to find a couple of names.
Have a think about these long-standing friends. I'm sure most of them will pleasantly suprise you if you ask. One of our referees was my DH's 'best' friend. We had never told him about our 'problem' (he did know about our m/c as he was one of the few people we had told after our BFP), but he said that he wasn't supprised about our 'situation' and was so lovely and supportive we were really glad we'd asked him. The other is a family friend (more a friend of my mother), but again, she was really lovely and said some lovely things. One of the couples on our course even asked a neighbour! If you think about it, if you do go on to adopt, these are the people you will want support from and they will have to know then... a toddler arriving in your life might need some explaining! People are really lovely when you tell them (and it can be quite therapeutic!), most haven't been that surprised about our 'situation' and we've not had one single negative comment from anyone we've told only support and good wishes. One other thing to point out from our course, someone said that going the adoption route may open a can of worms! All of these people we've told that we 'didn't want kids' will realise the truth... that 'we desperately would love to have kids, but nature is cruel!' and the penny drops... just something else to think about with these friends. All of a sudden, these private issues can become quite public!
Lastly, (sorry this is a long one, but I SO empathise with you), I am going to repeat what Andrea said about your DP, this is such a big step you really do need to be a team – I don't want to sound like I'm preaching... I'm saying this from experience! My DH was a little sceptical at first. I had visions of him 'going along with it' for my sake, but worrying he would resent me (and the child) one day and feel pushed into something, but once we'd been on our Preparation Course he did a U-turn! I think these men do need a little longer to come around to the idea, they don't have our hormones! Get him to keep an open mind and do lots of research... it was only by talking to lots of people (family, friends, GP, SWs, even having this site shoved under his nose occasionally) and being armed with facts that my DH felt he could go on with the process. Now if I have a 'wobble' and ask 'Are we doing the right thing?' he'll say 'Ask me in 20 years' time when they've grown up!'. Also, most adoption agencies like you to have left a break of about a year from your last IVF attempt... this will give him time to get used to the idea and do some background reading (there are some good books recommended on this site, a few are even dedicated to the man's point of view).
So, sorry to go on, but you're not alone in this... this site has been a great support during dark days and I've had some excellent advice and I'm hoping that I am able to help too.
Good luck with whatever you decide...I will be thinking of you.
Love
Elaine


----------



## JudithS (Feb 12, 2006)

superal said:


> Can't help but read your signature at the end of your post, are you both sure you want to adopt as you say DP doesn't?





EML said:


> I am going to repeat what Andrea said about your DP, this is such a big step you really do need to be a team


You are both right, of course: To clarify, I am not actually making any approaches about adoption unless and until DP decides he wants to, too, but I thought I should get the BAAF book for background information, so that I knew what adoption actually involves. I am not making any plans in my head until/unless DP changes his mind. It is only 10 days since our IVF failed but I wanted to start getting information



superal said:


> If you can not honestly think of one suitable person then the best thing to do is when you approach a SS & have been assigned a SW is to chat to them, I'm sure they will come up with some ideas.


Sorry to be thick, but what is SS? I know SW is "social worker".



EML said:


> We have kept ourselves to ourselves and 'lost' friends as we've battled with IF, but we still managed to find a couple of names.... One of our referees was my DH's 'best' friend... he said that he wasn't supprised about our 'situation' and was so lovely and supportive we were really glad we'd asked him. The other is a family friend (more a friend of my mother), but again, she was really lovely and said some lovely things. One of the couples on our course even asked a neighbour!


Thanks for your lovely, empathetic long reply, Elaine.  It's comforting to know we aren't the only ones in this situation. Thank you for your tips. Good luck with the rest of your adoption process -- I hope it won't be long for you now.

Thanks to you, too, Andrea/Superal  It's great to get information from other people who've been there. How did people manage before the internet?


----------



## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Judith

I hope we did help & it didn't seem as though we were preaching!

SS - means Social services 

Good Luck with what ever you decided.

Love
Andrea
xx


----------



## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Judith
Sorry, reading back my message I did go on a bit! Its just that in your message I saw so much of myself almost a year ago and I do really want to help, (thinking back, I think I would have hit someone like me then!!!). I hope I didn't go on too much .
Your DP seems to be a deep thinker and therefore will be a rock during your difficult life decisions.
Good luck with whatever you decide... the time has passed quickly for us and going through the adoption process has certainly helped our healing process.
Love
Elaine


----------



## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Judith

Welcome.  We used my husbands best friend of 30 something years who was our best man.  So I hadn't known him that long but he could comment on the strength of our relationship.  He is single himself so couldn't really comment on the kids thing.  We then chose antoher of dh's mates and his wife who hae 2 children.  Again I wasn't that close to either of them.  We then had SIL and BIL as they acted as our guardians so if anything happens to us they will make the decisions regarding the kids.  At most they had known me for 6 years when we applied so not really that long standing.

Sorry to hear about your recent tx.  There are a couple of threads on here about unsure DP's and DH's, I think most people have found they go through these doubts and as yo have said it is still fairly soon following your tx.

Hope we've been able to help

Good luck
Karen x


----------



## JudithS (Feb 12, 2006)

superal said:


> I hope we did help & it didn't seem as though we were preaching!
> SS - means Social services


Thanks, Andrea -- I didn't think you were preaching, by the way 



EML said:


> Sorry, reading back my message I did go on a bit! Its just that in your message I saw so much of myself almost a year ago and I do really want to help, (thinking back, I think I would have hit someone like me then!!!). I hope I didn't go on too much .


On the contrary, it is nice to get a long, detailed response -- very helpful. 

*Karen*, thanks for your reply, too. All suggestions are very welcome!


----------

