# how do you refer to BP's?



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

those of you have  children old enough to be discussing their adoption i wonder what you call the birth parents?
i've heard of 'tummy mummy' (whats the equivalent for daddy  ) but it seems a bit twee..and they arent going to call her that when they are 14 are they so feel like i  might as well start as i mean to go on ithought i'd go with 'Mummy xxxx' but then i thought at 2 1/2 is it a bit confusing having 2 people called mummy?
I'd appreciate your thoughts oh wise ones...

kj x


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

We're thinking about this too as we are starting more 'realistic' life story work away from the 'once apon a time' story which we have used til now.  Mainly because 3 - 5 curriculum seems to focus on birth, baby, family story and we don't want to lie to her about the people in her baby photos.

I think we will go for a shortened version of BMs name (as it is quite unusual and therefore identifiable) and initial of DF (not so unusual but keep it the same) and leave it at that until she is older and able to understand the security risks of blurting out their names...I might talk about 'BM growing DD in her tummy because all babies come from tummies' but then leave the term 'tummy mummy' alone.  I think if we refer to them in those terms it might help with the confusion surrounding mulitple families etc (DD remebers Foster family quite well whom she left at 19months and they were mama and dada but we always refer to them as 'firstname and firstname and their son firstname who looked after you as a baby'.)

Magenta x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi

We call them by their first names including grandparents as i dont go for this "tummy mummy" stuff! 

good luck

xxxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

We were talking about this the other night while doing our letterbox contract.  I've said we will use birth mum's and gran's first names on letters and when we speak to ds about them, I don't like the tummy mummy bit, I think its too confusing and then too babyish as they get older.  Our SW was surprised as we also said we only wanted them signing as their names.  We will always refer to them a x and x but explain who they are and that ds grew in x's tummy etc etc.

When/if ds decides he wants to write to them himself he can decide what he wants to call them.

Ot x


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## sundog (Jun 21, 2007)

Hi KJ! We refer to BM as his birth mum and then tell him her first name and explain that he came from her tummy. This works well when looking at the photo of her holding LB straight after his birth.

I think it is important to use a phrase that you use naturally to keep things comfortable and easy, something you are not comfortable with will come across I think.

sd
x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

thanks guys 
seems like we're all thinking along similar lines..glad I'm not thr only one who doesnt go for the tummy mummy one!

kj x


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Charlie at 4 was already referring to them as his 'old' Mummy and Daddy, so we have allowed that to continue for the time but I will say to him your 'old Mummy' is called X (neither of them have uncommon names) as I don't particuarly like the term 'old' in this context, we will also have the challenge at some point in the future of explaining that his 'old Daddy' is not actually his biological father although hopefully by the time that comes up he will have a better understanding.
I'm with you all on not really liking 'tummy Mummy' but Charlie is happy with the fact that he grew in X's tummy at the moment.
All the best KJ with what ever you decide.
Love
Viva
X


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## Anabelle (Nov 6, 2004)

Good question Keemjay, been wondering about this one

Magenta - at what age did you start the 'once upon a time' story?  Our son is 19 months & a few weeks ago he saw a photo of his f/c family and the next few nights were awful, waking up screaming, very unsettled, so we put that down to seeing the photo.  We've just about cracked his sleep issues, so dont want to start unsettling him again.

A
x


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Kj

We talk about pooh bear and pinky coming out of X tummy using there 1st names. i can say to PB who's tummy did you come out of and say X (her name) never used mummy or daddy in any context. This works for us.

PBMx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi

We tell our children that they grew in Mummy xxxxxx tummy and use their BM first name.....we also don't like the tummy mummy thing but each to their own!!

You have to do what you feel comfortable with, for us Mummy xxxxx has worked well.

Love
Andrea
x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

I can't stand the Tummy Mummy bit either! We will be first names only for everyone!
JD x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Anabelle said:


> Magenta - at what age did you start the 'once upon a time' story? Our son is 19 months & a few weeks ago he saw a photo of his f/c family and the next few nights were awful, waking up screaming, very unsettled, so we put that down to seeing the photo. We've just about cracked his sleep issues, so don't want to start unsettling him again.
> 
> A
> x


Even at 3 now my little chap if he has any reminders even talking about birth family in his presence we end up in the same situation as you describe! So contact letters are going to have to be handled really sensitively as to cause minimum stress for him. We don't talk about birth family at all at the moment and sw's all in agreement with this. It has taken a few weeks for him to settle down after receiving birthday cards from a sw who shouldn't have given them to him  

KJ - we refer to them by their first name and will continue to do so with K when he needs to know anything 

x


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Anabelle said:


> Good question Keemjay, been wondering about this one
> 
> Magenta - at what age did you start the 'once upon a time' story? Our son is 19 months & a few weeks ago he saw a photo of his f/c family and the next few nights were awful, waking up screaming, very unsettled, so we put that down to seeing the photo. We've just about cracked his sleep issues, so dont want to start unsettling him again.
> 
> ...


I think we started telling her the 'story' around age 2/2.5 (which I suppose woul dbe around mental/emotional age 18-24month). She still doesn't really understand at all but we will continue with the 'drip drip' system until we need to brooch the subject more fully. I am fairly sure Barbarella posted the story outline on here at some point - I will look for it.


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

HI I just thought I would add my tuppence for what it is worth! My girls always refer to their bps by their first name which is handy for us so I just refer to them by their names, of course I have the added complication of the girls still seeing their bps they are going tomorrow but now that the girls are freed for adoption and we have at long last applied to adopt them, it is now being slowly stopped until they finally have their twice a year contact that the judge ruled. It is hard knowing what to say I don't like the tummy mummy thing either. But each to their own.

LOl Keli


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