# Confused about more treatment Vs moving on with life as a couple



## mrsmcc7 (Aug 16, 2011)

I’m not really sure writing things down will help make things any clearer, but figure it’s worth a go.

Now that we’re about to start back on the treatment rollercoaster I’m having major second thoughts about continuing at all.  The only thing “forcing” me to go back is our snow babies as there is no way I could let them perish.  It doesn’t alter the way I feel just now though, and I’m dreading AF arriving this time as I said I’d book in for a FET when she did. 

We have spent four years trying for a baby – including 5 attempts at IUI which didn’t work, a failed fresh ICSI cycle and an abandoned FET – and I think I’m at a point where I’m just sick of the whole thing;
*I’m sick of hubby and I never being able to make plans for anything “just in case”, especially when we haven’t even had a hint of a BFP in all the time we’ve been trying.  We don’t plan holidays because we don’t want to book one we won’t be able to go on if the treatment works by some miracle, but then it gets to the time we would have been going away and we’re still waiting on that if!! 
*I’m sick of being poked and prodded, and having to pump myself full of hormones/drugs for weeks on end, which results in nothing more than being a bloated, grump sod and having a tummy full of bruises.

Thankfully we seem to have gotten past the stage of making love only to try to make a baby (which seems to be the inevitable place we all end up when you have fertility issues), and now we’re back to where we wanted to be and enjoying being a couple again.  We’ve come to the conclusion that in our house sex does not = babies, and I have to be honest I’m glad!!

I have so many things I’d like to do, but until we know that our treatment is at an end we just can’t move on to them.  I’m planning on getting my bike licence (hubby is a mad biker) but there isn’t any point in me going for it until I know there’s no chance of me getting pregnant in the middle of it as it’s far too expensive to risk that.  One thing I have done while we’re still dealing with all of this is to apply to go to university at night (while still working)  I’ve been accepted and start in September to do my degree, but yet again the thoughts of treatment are overshadowing it as I don’t know how I’d manage work/Uni/treatment all at one time!!

I know I’m looking for an answer that no-one can give me, but if I keep going in circles the way I am now I’m going to take off soon!!!  I don’t want to keep on with treatment because of the way it takes over everything and puts your life on hold, but equally I’m not sure if I’m ready to accept that I’m never going to be a Mum – how do you know when you reach the end?

M x

(not sure if this is the best place to post, couldn't decide between here and moving on boards)


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## somewhere overthe rainbow (May 14, 2012)

Hi mrsmcc

it is tough going through what we do and I feel for you.  I have had very similar thoughts just these last few days.  For the last 3 years I have been having persistent IVF treatment going from one cycle straight into the next, picking myself up after the devastation of a failed treatment cycle, putting on a brave face and praying and thinking "it has to work this time" just to be faced with heartbreak again and again.  This time I am finding it harder to pick myself back up again.  Like you our life has been on hold for 5 years now, but for me I can't give up or stop trying while I still have chances.  I have decided to speak to a councilor as i just feel its come to the point that it is too much to cope with on my own.  My friends and family are very supportive but they don't truly understand.  My DH is wonderful and I know he is going through the heartache too and is more worried about what I am putting my body through than I am.  You are still young enough that you could maybe have a break from all things TTC for a while.  I am all for being in a positive frame of mind when going through infertility treatment as it takes a lot out of you mentally/emotionally and physically.  That's why seeing a councilor for me is right at this time, so that I can move on and prepare myself again for the next treatment cycle. Maybe its something you could think about too.

What ever you future holds i truly hope it makes you happy.

Somewhere xxx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi M-
Not sure this helps but after our last failed icsi, I was desperate to 'get over it' and move on with my life. I had some sessions with a life coach as I was desperate to see some (ANY) change in my life to reflect that my inner world had changed so drastically. Luckily, I saw a life coach who was a bereavement counsellor and she helped me to understand that I didn't have to shift so quickly, that my hope may gradually fade over time rather than instantly, and as such my identity would change too. So, sub–consciously I decided to try naturally for another year,trying a new thing every few months - TCM, dhea, diet etc etc. I found this helped me to cope whilst not obsessing ...
I am now at a place where I might move onto donor eggs but it is not something that I feel I need to do instantly... I am enjoying my lot in life at the moment and trying to live in the moment, as no-one knows the future - not even those with children.... 
I also sometimes think that if I do one day have a child, I like to think I learnt a lot from this IF journey and made changes in my life that I wouldn't have done had I not been on this journey... In fact, I am going to Australia in the summer to see a friend - this would never of happened had we had children by now, so I think enjoy and live your life- go to uni, get that bike license and then when you are ready, think back to the 'long term' perspective. X x


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## Lucy708 (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi M,

Reading your post struck a chord with me as l feel exactly the same about the only thing making me continue is our frozen eggs. Seeing it written down made me realise that. If we didn't have them, we'd give up and start planning our future. I've been seeing a councillor which has helped me so much in realising that our lives will carry on and can be very fulfilling, so l'd recommend that.
Hope you're feeling a bit less confused!


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## bernie1971 (May 11, 2012)

Hi M, a lot of what you wrote resonates with me. What has helped me at times like where you're at right now is to do research on the internet for forums of women WHO CHOOSE not to have kids. Which of course has absolutely nothing to do with what we're going through but it still helps. A very rich and fulfilling life can be lived without children. This is especially the case if one is in a good relationship.  It hurts for me to write this down, but I do know that it is true. It's just a different life. Not better or worse. Just different. 
I don't have much time to write right now but I hope this thread keeps going so I can add some more thoughts later...

Hugs,
B-1971


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi ladies

Enjoyed reading your posts and glad that its not just me with these thoughts. I am starting to think more and more about how my life could be better without children. It scares me to think it but realise that this could very well be a reality. Not quite sure how that makes me feel....

M - one thing I've learnt tho is NOT to put anything on hold anymore "just in case", we've continued to book and have some fabulous holidays whilst ttc and I've been so so glad of them and its given me something to look forward too when my ivf etc has failed. 
I too did my bike test and its great for DH and I to get out on our bikes together. I know how much it means to him that I come out with him and I do love it too. I would say do it, it's something you then have for the rest of your life so the cost is well justified. 
Can see that you're now on another FET so I'm wishing u lots of luck for this xx

Bernie - I will be checking out that website, after this cancelled cycle I've just had I deffo need to start thinking outside the having children box, 

Wishing u all lots of luck xx


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## misskitten (Oct 31, 2010)

Hello Everyone, 

great thread mrsmcc7, really glad I found this. I wonder too about whether I really want to do another ivf cycle. The effects of the drugs and picking yourself up afterwards if it doesn't work is not an easy thing to face. I don't have any snow babies but always said that I would try three cycles to give myself the best chance. It helps knowing I have an end in sight. Really important not to put things off 'just in case', it just makes you feel worse.

Bambibaby - I really could have written your first paragraph myself! Feels like such a turnaround from where I started, when it felt that my life would only be complete with children. I have learned to appreciate the great things in my life even though I still constantly feel the pain and sadness of not having children. I'm recently beginning to see a positive life without children and think about all the great things I can do instead. 

There is a refreshing site/forum called Gate Way - for women childless by circumstance or choice 

wish you all happiness whatever happens x


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Miss kitten - couldn't agree with you more and that last part of your signature totally resonates with me. Like you this time last year I couldn't ever imagine life without kids and it hurt so so bad but the more I go on with this ivf journey and the more it fails I just wonder what am I doing? DH and I came back from a week in Spain last week and we had such an amazing time and actually sat and talked until the early hours about our life and I realised then that he is my family and I would do anything and everything for that man. I would rather have him without kids than have kids and be without him.

Now I am starting to see that having a child would just be the cherry on top of an already fabulous life that I have. 

I think it takes so much courage to allow these feelings to come to the fore front... I still hope that one day ill be a mummy but I'm sure like many other women I will be just fine if that isn't the path my life will take xx


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## karen71 (Oct 19, 2012)

I feel just like you do, I've been feeling gulity for feeling and thinking this way. I've got some frozen but at the moment we are in no mans land. We haven't decided for deff on a date yet when to start again. More or less everything you said could be me saying it, my oh also said about me either getting a motorbike licence or a hgv, both of which he's got and something we both like. I'm going to the counceller now to see if that helps because its really getting me down. How are things with you now?


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