# Depressed and still stuck on what to do



## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

I'm 48 years old and have previously asked for advice and received some good replies but I still haven't done anything about things.  I can't understand why because I can't seem to shake off the desire to have a child and I think I'm getting more depressed and bitter as a result of my situation.  I'm ashamed of how I feel and I thought I would ask again for some advice.  I know what I I need to do but I feel lonely in that I'm not getting support from family as they think I'm too old.  The problem is, the fact that my sisters have got children isn't helping. I'm feeling low and I'm panicking because I don't want to be childless because I've always dreaded that.  The vaginismus has always been a problem and I don't know what options to pursue because I feel alone in all of this.  Am I too old?  Please only reply if you can help me to do something about my situation.
Thanks, I appreciate it.


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## India_2222 (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi - sorry to hear that you are struggling. You don't say whether you are single or have a partner.....and if you have a partner, are they supportive?

I am single, just turned 46 and about a year ago I decided that my longing to have a child was not going to go away - I could no longer wait to meet Mr Right and was going to have to do something about my desire or accept that it was not going to happen and move on. It took me a while to admit out loud to others that this was something I wanted and also to recognise that it was never going to happen if I did not do something about it.

I met some great solo mums via the Donor Conception Network and they were very helpful as I made my decision as to whether to go ahead and try to conceive or not - I also questioned whether I was too old and also worried about whether I would be able to cope bringing up a child on my own. 

On the point about age, others said that if I was capable of running around after a toddler then I could probably cope with most things. Also if you want something so badly, then you will find a way to make it work. No-one pretended that it would be easy but none of my friends who are mums regret their decision at all....

The issue of course with our age is whether we will be able to conceive - early on, it was made very clear to me that IVF success rates with own eggs at my age were very very low and the consultant immediately recommended donor eggs. So after an initial OMG moment and I don't think I would be comfortable with that approach, I found over a few weeks that I changed my mind - if that was the only way for me to carry a child, then I felt I needed to try it (as turning the clock back was not an option). If I did not try, then I felt that I would always regret it.

So I have now been very lucky and I'm now 9 weeks pregnant on my first attempt with IVF using donor eggs and donor sperm.

Not sure if this helps but feel free to pm me if you want to catch up more. This is a big tough decision and a very emotional process to go through with no guarantee of success. I just decided I had to take the risk rather than regret it for the rest of my life.

Thinking of you
India


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Maybe a fertility counsellor would help work out your true feelings and if motherhood is really for you x


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Hi Adviceplease

I think some of it depends on your personal situation as well as your age.

If you are single - plenty of women over 40 go through successful treatment. We have a good place here to discuss options if you are single - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=403.0 Chances are you may need a double donor (egg and sperm) so have a look here too - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=64.0 You will also most likely need to seek treatment abroad because of your age, but plenty of older ladies do this and will be able to advise.

If you have a partner, because of your age, you may still wish to look at the Donor section as above.

In terms of age, it's hard for us older Mums and Dads (I am nearly 42 and my DH is nearly 62) not to think about it, but everyone is different and copes differently. Whilst there are some benefits to being younger, there are also as many benefits to being older. They key thing is that you have weighed up the commitment you make to the child and can love and support them.

I think you need to decide on this for you and not for your family. If you become pregnant and have a baby they will still support you and love their grandchild or niece/nephew whatever.

Hope this helps and if I can point you to any boards that may be of practical help let me know.

KA xxx


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

India,

Thanks, I appreciate you replying and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I have a partner, who already has children of his own.  He's not that supportive really.  This is something that doesn't help me with making a decision.  So, I don't really know what to do about that.  

I got pregnant twice at age 45 and miscarried at almost 46.  I keep getting reminders about my age from people in my family and that tends to make me halt doing anything about my situation.  I even tried to put off the idea of having children but this yearning seems to resurface every day at some point.    

You are fortunate that you have friends that you can relate to because I don't have any really.  I have a social anxiety problem and I don't really mix that much.  I do know that a few school friends had their children in their early to mid 40's, so they know what it's like to have small children at this age.  However, I'm no longer in contact with them although I obviously see them now and again.  I keep thinking what would they think if they saw me pregnant at my age and that also tends to put me off.  I've always thought I would have children and therefore I' m not sure that I can accept the way things are.  I might pm you sometime, all the best.

Blondie71 - Thanks, appreciate you replying.  Are fertility counsellors free in the UK and are they likely to try and put me off trying to get pregnant at my age?  Do I have to go through a doctor to get to see one?

Karenanna - Thanks, I appreciate the links and it helps that I've got somewhere to come to ask questions.  I know I have to decide but I'm too anxious to do anything about it.  I'm not well off either at the moment but I can't let that stop me really, can I?  

I think I'm quite good with children and I think I get on better with them than adults.  I've considered embryo adoption and adoption.    Is it worth trying an IUI as I can't afford IVF?  Still, I can't make a decision and can't understand what's stopping me.  

Thanks


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## mandalay (Sep 20, 2013)

I want to start by saying that I do not think you are too old at all.  Far from it!!!  Why don't you look on the over 50 boards and write there?  You will get lots of encouragement.  You have so many options being under 50.  Loads!!!  You will have to go outside the UK most probably but lots of clinics in Europe will accept you under 50 - including Serum.
I have two lads in their twenties now.  Like you, at 46, I got pregnant naturally and miscarried.  It raised the whole subject again.  Like you, everyone round me was negative.  My GP was unsupportive (no, no, not at your age etc.) and wouldn't point me in the right direction but I never got it out of my mind.  I dreamt about it often and did not raise the subject with my husband.  I started Googling in my private time to see where would take me.  Unfortunately, as I was looking after my dear dad, I passed the 50 threshold.  I had a real heart-to-heart with my husband and at first he said no but he did soften.  You must float the subject - a bit like lighting the blue touch paper and withdrawing.  Let him mull it over.  At least he will know that you are thinking of it, needing it.  
I took up running and that has been a salvation.  It did wonders for my mood, improved my blood pressure, muscle tone etc and vastly improved my morale - not old and past it if I could do something I couldn't do at 16.  I urge you to take up something and regain your self-confidence in your own body.  I really do think that is SO important.  
Go for it!  Start your research.  Get yourself fit.  Give yourself a few months, even a year to reach your goal.  Get your cervical cancer smear, breast cancer test etc. done because the clinic will want this.  You are certainly NOT passed it!!!  I am now 52 and just had treatment.


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

I am really sorry for you situation, but I think you should follow your dreams. And if that dream is to have a child, then go for it. But, as I keep getting told: your have to find peace within yourself  first - a child shouldn't fill your loneliness - you have to do that. 

Simon Cowell is 54, and people didn't have ago at him about being a new father. And if they did, they he would tell them to sod off. Who is to the judge on whether you are a good mother, and what quantifies a good mother? I guess you can't expect families to be supportive, no matter what your/their age. They have their own issues/priorities. You biggest challenge is having a partner who already has children - you have to be realistic in that he probably won't want a child as much as you. My husband already has a child. He wants another, but nowhere near as much as me (this might also be a male thing). 

Whatever you decide, be confident in your decision and avoid naysayers.

Good luck,

xx


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

I started the 50 plus thread.
I will be 7 months pregnant next Monday!
And 57 on Oct 18th.

Its my first ever pregnancy.
The desire to have a child never goes away.
Your dilemma seems to be more of One of confidence.

I was scared too. But my desire was so strong!
I thought I would get a lot of negativity but I was shocked to be wrong!

Go for your dream. You have one life.
Only you can realise your dream.
Make it happen!
I did.
And I did it alone.

Please feel free to pm me.

Morgana xx


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Mandalay and Deedee - Thanks, it's great to hear of inspirational stories on here and I hope you will succeed.  Have you spoken to friends and other people are around your age about your desire to have a child?  I keep thinking that if I told anyone outside my family, they would start talking about me.  I've always been like that and I realise that it doesn't help to think like that.  It would be nice to hear of someone in my area getting pregnant at an older age and then I wouldn't be so alone.  I've told my partner about it and I think he would prefer it if it had happened naturally as he isn't very keen on children.  

Morganna - Congratulations on your pregnancy.  I'm finding the process of making a decision too difficult and I think my partner would prefer me to forget about it.  I keep talking about it now and again but he won't make any remarks really, I suppose he hopes I will get over it and I thought I would in time but I keep going back to thinking about it.  It's as though I have to make the decision on my own but I'm stuck and that is the problem really.

Thanks I appreciate the opportunity to pm you.

Regards


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## mandalay (Sep 20, 2013)

I have only told my husband, sons and sister because, after all, I may not succeed.  But I don't care what other people think.  If people criticise me, then people have always done that.  I got pregnant first at 25 years old but some people thought it was indecent to be pregnant within a month of marrying!  Then they thought it was wrong to wait 6 years to have another!  You can't please people!!  And why should you try?  Stuff 'em!!! 
There are so many of us on this forum that you cannot feel unusual, Adviceplease.  And it is just wonderful for loving support.  I love these kind, generous ladies.  They are an inspiration, a comfort and soul mates.
I think you need to build your self-confidence in any way you can.  
My own husband would probably never have mentioned another baby so your own husband is probably quite typical!  Men are often like that, I'm afraid.  They go to mush when they meet their new baby and that's all that counts.
The only thing you need to be honest about is:  do I really, really want a baby.  IVF is a rollercoaster and you need to be certain of that.


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

hi

I'm also 48 and in a similar place - had m/c at 45 with first ever pregnancy.  Then 3 ivfs one of which was positive but then m/c.  I also have step kids and it seems that everything else gets in front of this motherhood dream that I have.  And I've asked myself why i haven't made it a total priority, why i've left it this late, why I have allowed my partners ex to dominate my thoughts in the past 2 years whilst we've been doing the ivf and why i was putting everyone first instead of making this dream a reality.

So i've recently gone to see someone to help with my thinking because i reckon that is the main problem.  Instead of counselling (which for me in the past has involved loads of talking and not so much creating solutions) I've gone for hypnotherapy/NLP.  So it's someone who helps me sort out my thoughts on this, work out what I really want and helps get my thoughts clear so that I can go into IVF feeling strong and positive and able to enjoy whatever happens.

It sounds to me that you may need someone to help focus your thoughts so you can finally make this decision for yourself.  I completely understand where you're at, and yes i think depression and bitterness can be a side effect of not moving forward meaningfully.  I have experienced all that too.  Reading the over 50s board is not only encouraging with such lovely ladies on there, but it also acclimatises you to how it is these days.. the medicine is there to make this possible - the people who say any of us is too old is behind the times, in today's world it is NOT too old.  Retirement is later, people work longer, health is better etc

Wishing you all the best in your journey.  My hypno/nlp lady focuses things on my identity - that i'm finding it now and moving into it… perhaps this is true of you too.

Huge   and wishing you all the best

xx

PS my family are very unsupportive too (apart from my dad) so i don't mention it anymore.  I see that really as their problem and not mine and it's a shame/disappointing.  Don't let it influence or prevent you as it isn't their life - it's yours.


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Mandalay - Thanks again, nice to hear from you.  I agree, there are a lot of inspirational stories in this forum and it's great to read them.  I realise I shouldn't be bothered about what other people say but it makes no difference to know this.  I've always been that type of person and it's resulted in me putting off a lot of things.  I've even been to see counsellors to try and overcome the problem, although it hasn't altered things.  I always appreciate hearing from people in here though.  I always thought of myself as having children, so that is why I probably keep thinking about it.

artist_mum - Thanks, I appreciate you replying.  I hope you succeed with your therapy and that it helps you.  I think people have been quite negative towards you and they haven't been fair to you.  Surely, they can see that you would like your own child?  

I can't afford NLP and therefore I'll have to find another way to think about things.  I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and also afraid of regretting not trying.  Time is going by and I'm doing nothing about this, only thinking about it continually and getting depressed and feeling stuck.

I hope you will keep in touch.


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

hi again

only just saw your response. I really have been where you're at. I had M.E. and for 15 years I did the same thing as you seem to be saying:

"thinking about it continually and getting depressed and feeling stuck"

If you can just believe now that at some point you will go from this 'ruminating' to some kind of action and you then move into another way of being.. then you will be a step closer to it. So just have a tiny belief that you can have something different. And that's all for today. I did a thing called The Lightning Process to get myself 'unstuck'. It was expensive. But my life was becoming unliveable. That was 8 years ago and my life has changed radically and for the better.

If you can't afford that or NLP or some other thing that will help you springboard into a change.. you could try https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome. It's free, you just register and you can do each exercise as and when you want - and it helps change thinking patterns that may not be serving you very well.

And get outdoors/exercise. Helps the mind. I don't know you, but I feel for you enormously. And I hope you can get the change that you want - don't be afraid of that. 'Change' is infinitely better than 'stuck'.



This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

artist_mum

Thanks, I think you and everyone else has provided some good advice.  The problem I also have is with knowing how to go about trying for a child.  I suppose it should be embryo adoption or even adoption?  It seems like a really big step from where I am now to doing something about it.  Yet, as time goes by, the anxiety about not having a child is increasing.  I would feel a lot more motivated if I had the support of the people that I know.  I think it takes a lot of courage to do this without any support.  Places like this forum help a lot and I have also researched online but I'm still stuck and I'm afraid of doing anything about it. 

Thanks, I appreciate the link to the free program.

Regards


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Hi adviceplease
so sorry that you're struggling. I just wanted to give you some encouragement. I'm 47 and single - with no Mr Right on the horizon I made the decision to try for a child on my own or felt I would regret it. I had 2 attempts with double donation in 2012 which were BFN, changed clinic and had IVF last October. I can't believe it but my little miracle is asleep in his cot at the moment! I was 47 in March and James was born July 2014, so I m so glad I tried. It's not easy doing it alone but it's worth it. All my colleagues, friends and family are supportive, but I haven't spread widely the details of double donation (it's not their business) but they love him to bits. 
As for clinics, most in the UK will treat you if you are 50 and under, some clinics abroad i.e Cyprus for one will treat you over 50. I went to CARE Sheffield who were brilliant.
I have 3 frozen embryos so I'm planning on trying for a sibling next year. If the FET does not work, still planning to try again with fresh double donation. 
The statistics of IUI with own eggs would not be great, but using an egg donor would increase your odds to 50-60 %, rather than less than 5%.
I do so hope you find a solution.
Hi to artist mum - I so feel for you, and hope you find what you need to do
Deb


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

deblovescats,

Thanks, I appreciate you replying, it's nice to hear from you and I hope you and your son are doing well.  I am very stuck and can't seem to make the decision to try and do something about my situation.  Even though I'm reading stories like yours on here of people my age going ahead with this, they are inspiring me but I still can't seem to go for it, somehow.  Would you say that embryo adoption would be an easier option for someone like myself than say adopting in the UK?  I don't think I would be able to adopt a baby but I was hoping that perhaps I would be able to adopt a two or three year old?  I don't know what to do and this is the only place I can talk about my anxieties because my partner isn't interested in talking about it really.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

hi adviceplease
sorry you're stuck at the moment - it's a really big decision knowing and motivating yourself to do something. I think I had got to the point when I thought I'd regret it if I didn't do anything, even if it failed! I think I had convinced myself it wouldn't! 
I think you would stand a good chance of an older child say aged 2 or 3. There are so many wanting families and the govt has tried to get the system speeded up so kids aren't languishing in care as long.
When you contact clinics you can register for embryo adoption but these don't come up very often. The other option would be to try with an egg donor and a sperm donor if your partner was not happy to go ahead. This is available in UK so you wouldn't need to go abroad. I only waited 6 weeks for my donor and I think most waiting lists are not too long at the moment - they used to be about 2 years! 
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I know it was worth it for me - even though it's daunting doing it on your own!
Deb


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Sometimes in life you just have to close your eyes and take the leap... this is one of those times!

Serum in Athens do embryo adoption and it's on their website, frozen is 2000 euro and fresh is 3000 euro and no waiting lists as they are straight from the backup donors the clinic uses.

If it's a partner holding you back as they don't want children you may have to decide where your heart beats strongest tbh I've been there and done that and thank goodness the choice to be a mother won me over x


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

deblovescats - I think you are right that I might regret not doing anything about it because I'm always thinking about it.  My partner isn't really interested so it's making me put things off and that is making me think about whether or not I should pursue this.  I think it would possibly help me if I actually knew someone of my age in my area that is pregnant or who wants to have a child of their own.  I can't afford donor eggs anyway and therefore it would have to be embryo donation.  I'm glad of this forum as a place to come for advice but I'm always putting things off, due to anxiety.

Blondie71 - I think the problem is that I'm not sure what I should do and I'm the type of person that let's opportunities go because of the anxiety.  Thanks, I appreciate you replying.


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## Maggiephatcat (Feb 21, 2010)

Advice please - I can't reply to your PM as your in box is full.


Maggie x


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Maggie,

I sent you a pm.

Thanks


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## Larry the Lamb (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi there

For years I didn't think that I wanted children. I never had much to do with them until I had a couple of nieces, and I realised that I may be missing out. As I was so anti, and having low self confidence, I thought that I should just get on with things, as I was worried about people would think.

However my feelings were affecting my time with my family, so DH and I decided to try, but I was already getting on, and am now 49. Obviously things weren't happening very quickly, so we sought advice, had tests and were told that donor eggs would be the best option for us.

Anyway, today was egg collection day, so fingers crossed for the next few weeks... If it works, I will be almost 50 by the time I give birth.

We haven't told anyone yet as I don't want to get into any discussions with friends and family until we really have to. However I keep thinking that healthcare professionals will be disapproving, but they have all been amazingly supportive and positive.

In my opinion, we all need to do the things that make us happy. It may not work but I would always wonder what would have happened if we don't. In the past I have made some poor life choices, through indecision and fear, so am trying to make some changes.

Unfortunately today people still do seem to be disapproving of older mothers but very little comment is made about septuagenarian fathers.

Interestingly, I saw a documentary about human development and there is a theory that human females lose their fertility so that the grandmothers can help raise the young. Apparently no other animal has a menopause. I like to think that we have evolved beyond this. If you haven't got any grandchildren then there is no need to sacrifice your dreams to help with them.


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## DippyGirl (Mar 10, 2005)

I just wanted to add about men, I struggled to get my OH to agree to trying but once he was onboard he was onboard.  I got some amazing advice from a woman I confided in.  Men, they rarely get broody but they just love their babies when they arrive.  If you really want a baby then go for it hun!  Being older means you have less energy than a 20 year old but loads more patience (more important IMO)  and probably more money.

Good luck whatever you decide!


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Larry the Lamb - Thank you for replying and all the best on your decision to have a baby.  Can I ask how you made the decision to finally go for it and did it worry you about being older?  I also have nieces and nephews born and I am the only one who hasn't had any children, even though I've had a couple of miscarriages.  I have to admit that even though I am happy for them, I am a little bitter that I haven't had my act together sooner to try and have my own.  The social anxiety has really been the biggest problem and it's the reason that I've put most things off.  I'm regretting it now and I think my confidence is lower and I feel a lot more depressed.  I'm worried that if I stay childless, I will regret it but something is still making me feel stuck.  I'm too worried about what other people think and I know that I shouldn't think like that but I still do.  It's good that the healthcare professionals seemed to be on your side and supportive rather than against it.  All the best.

Dippygirl - Thank you for replying.  I think it would take a lot of persuading to get my partner on board.  When you say you got some advice from a woman, is she someone in the forum?  I'd really like someone to help me make a decision?  I'm not sure where to go for advice because I think people will be negative due to my age and they'll tell me to forget about it.  This is why I always come and ask for advie in the forum.  Again, it's all down to being an anxious person and I worry too much about what people think.  However, if I think there are people on my side, I am more likely to go for it.

Thanks


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## DippyGirl (Mar 10, 2005)

Advice - it was years ago I was then 30 (currently 42) and heartbroken, we ended up talking to a therapist together.  The advice was given by a random woman I met during our 6 months just being together and see if we can reach a compromise time.  She was 46 and had just had a hysterectomy after leaving the man she had been married to for too long and who didn't agree to kids.  She had her own regrets and had studied the whole thing from afar.  It was one of those chance meetings that really gave me what I needed to hear.  

TBH even now as I consider my sixth and final IVF I wake in the middle of the night thinking "what am I thinking of!!!" at our age, we have a great life, we are happy… thing is it is never a good time to have a baby, you never have enough time of energy or space of money but it isn't a logical decision.  I would suggest it might be a good idea to talk wither your GP and ask for a referral for some counselling to help you to figure out whats going on, it isn't good to have something enormous like this locked up inside.  They won't judge you, they won't discourage you… that isn't their job, it is to help you to find what you really need to do for you.  If you won't do it for yourself, consider doing it so that if you do decide to have a baby that you have more tools to help you to cope.

Id suggest if you are looking at Donor possibilities that you consider SERUM, they do plenty of donor options but also miscarriage prevention.


My OH is a grandfather and will be 60 soon, tbh it freaks me out, I think I have decided of this does ever work I'll keep our news to ourselves for at least 6 months then just say something like "we surprised everyone…. including ourselves", I have absolutely no doubt that there will be people sniggering up their sleeves and people who won't.  But that is all that it would be so bring it on.  No need to volunteer any extra information. ;-)


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Dippygirl - I agree that I need to talk to someone about it but I'm embarrassed about even talking about it to the doctor.  I wonder if there are a lot of ladies who were too afraid to try and have children in their 40's who regret later that they didn't do anything about it.  Sometimes I panic and worry that I will end up childless.

All the best


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## Larry the Lamb (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Advice
It does worry me about being older, but I can't turn the clock back and as I said I would always wonder; and I need to break the pattern of missing out on things by my indecision. I also think that we are healthier and fitter than many younger people that we know who have children and we feel we have a lot to offer a child. I do worry that people will think that we are the grandparents, but I do know someone who is younger than me with an adopted son, worried about adopting another young child because people may think that she is the nan, even though she looks really young, so it's all relative!

I also worry about what people will think, and I don't think that will go away, but we will just have to cross each bridge as we come to it, and my late found need to have a family has to take priority, or I will always feel stuck. I am currently in my 2ww after having one embryo put back, and I already feel happy to have made it this far but very nervous about the future.

The main decider was my husband - he was always more open to children than me and he could see how miserable I was, so he encouraged me to do something about it. I know that is not your case, possibly because he already has some, however that seems very selfish to me. I know that I am so lucky to have someone who is so supportive of me. 

I do think that it sounds like your depression and fears may be affecting your health, so you could see your GP and ask for a referral for counselling, which should at least get you some free sessions as a start point. Your GP practice should have several doctors, so if you initially get an unsupportive one, you could get another appointment with a more sympathetic one. My first step was to speak to my GP, who referred me to a local NHS fertility clinic. They did tests, then said that our best chance would be donation, so were unable to help further because of their rules, but they gave me a list of clinics that could.

For over 45s it gets more rare for natural pregnancies and for them to go to term, so egg donation or similar is probably the best option. I know that for me the donor eggs mean that most worries about health problems to do with my age are not an issue, which is good as I could worry for England!

I do hope that you feel able to move on and take some action soon, time doesn't stand still and I wish I had done it sooner. Even if it doesn't work, at least we tried.


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Larry the Lamb,

At least you're doing something about your situation and I hope things are going well for you.


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi,

I'm still thinking about this and still don't know what to do.  This affects me every morning and I start panicking because I think I've left it too late.  I can't understand why I left it so late.  If only I could meet someone to talk to because I feel really lonely and I'm getting quite bitter.


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

I'm going to be honest and I'm quite happy to delete if you read this and it upsets you to much but I think 48 is to old to have a baby. looking after a newborn and toddler is exhausting. plus there is the practicalities of being able to provide for them until they leave home. you would be retirement age. sorry if i have upset you but that is an honest answer and you said you wanted advise.


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## Maggiephatcat (Feb 21, 2010)

I don't think 48 is too old to have a baby as long as you are fit and healthily and have a young outlook.


What does worry me is you do seem to still be in the same position mentally as when you originally posted this. What are you doing to move this forward? You really need to decide one way or the other.


Maggie x


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Maggie ,

Can't seem to decide what to do next.  I don't know what is stopping me but I feel really stuck.  I appreciate you replying.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Adviceplease - I agree with Maggie - I don't think 48 is too old - it's more an attitude. In fact, I had my little boy in July this year at the age of 47 - and I don't regret it,  but it's all an opinion. I think I'm just as capable of providing for my little boy as if I'd been younger. In fact, I think I have more patience. I would have had a child younger just never met a man I could have a child with so doing it alone! Always hoped I would. 
However, I think you need to get some support/counselling to discuss issues and come to a decision otherwise it's just eating you up - you need to make a decision and go for it. It's such a big decision though, so you need to be 110%!
Deb


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

deblovescats,

Nice to hear from you and I hope you are doing well.  Do you have friends with small children that are a similar age to your own?  I think it helps to have someone of a similar age.


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## TrionaT (Sep 30, 2013)

Hi Advice Please, 

Okay first thing is talk to your husband . You need to either get him onboard or decide do you want to stay with him if he's not on board, you must have talked about this in the past?....

2nd thing is you need to make an appointment with a clinic. My advice would be go abroad as they do things a lot quicker than UK ... Try Czech Republic or Greece. they will treat you until age 50. Otherwise you will have to go to Cyprus I think or elsewhere...

Seriously if its what you really want,  don't delay things any longer just go for it!!! You mention you have social anxiety about what people will think?! Don't worry about what they will think, worry about yourself and how you feel every morning you wake up, you can't live like that panicking every day you are getting another day older just make that call or have that chat with your husband. If you change your mind well that's fine but you need to find some peace within yourself that you've made the right choices, you still have time! If you don't take the first step though you'll never get there Good luck!!!


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

advice please - I have friends with kids, but mainly there's are older, although one has a 3 year old. However, I've been going out to groups and getting to know other mums with babies the same age. 
You don't have to go abroad to get seen quickly - I went to CARE Sheffield - got matched with donor within 6 weeks - the CARE clinics currently don't have waiting lists for egg donors. Also, you can be treated in UK up to 50 as well.
So your options are wide.
Deb


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

Just another perspective... Have a look at the parenting boards on this site for further info on how difficult being a mum can be especially older ones like me. Don't take my word for it (as no on here has!) 

Also is it in the best interests of the child?

Phillipa


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Missowen - If you don't think I should have a newborn then do you think I should forget the idea of having a child?  

TrionaT - Glad to hear from you.  That is exactly how I do feel on a regular basis and yet I'm still stuck on doing something.  I've read threads in this forum and other places online on this subject as well as stories by women who regret not trying to have a child.  I don't know what I can do to make myself do something.  

deblovescats - Can you tell me if Sheffield also offers embryo adoption and are they more expensive than going abroad?  I know that I can't afford doing egg donation.  I think it would have to be embryo adoption or try and get pregnant with my own eggs.  I got pregnant at first time of trying at 45 and then miscarried.  It's good that you have got support.  

Thanks


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Some older women may find it hard, others not. Equally some younger mothers may struggle for different reasons.  I think it all comes down to circumstances and attitude... so long as you are fit and healthy, have a good support network and are financially in a position to raise a child then go for it... I personally plan to have a child in my mid to late forties and I'm not sure what route I will go down yet (it will depend on my circumstances). But, determination and a positive attitude go a long way and as well as loving parents or parent and as for the best interests of the child that goes without saying (no matter the age of the parents).


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

How many fit 60 year olds do you know Gaia? Late 40s start you'll be 60 when the child is 12! My parents had all kinds of health issues at that age. And with all due respect your talking about something you dont actually have experience of. 

anyway i think i made my point just giving a negative but realist perspective. Good luck whatever you all decide ladies (in your late 40s you need it   2 yrs of disturbed sleep, growth spurts and oh the teething, the tantrums the teenage hormones!  - hope you've done your homework


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

I know a few actually, including my own mother, so yes I do have experience... and like I say, it's down to individual circumstances and a good support network. I'm under no illusion that it will be easy (parenthood is one of the most challenging roles in life) and I also realise it may be that little bit harder in one's 40's, but every situation is different. I come into contact with families with children in my job, so I do know a bit about the challenges that being an older parent can bring (but also families with other challenges who had their children younger). I think it's important not to go into this with a realistic attitude, but also a positive one.


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## Maggiephatcat (Feb 21, 2010)

Ladies,


Whilst I appreciate this is quite an emotive subject can I please remind you all that Fertility Friends is a place for women (and men for that matter) to get support.


Please think carefully before posting replies and remember to be kind to one and other.


Thank you,
Maggie,
Forum Moderator.


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

Thank you Maggie,
I was so hoping you might step in.
And a huge thank you to blondie!
I am 57 and about to give birth any day for the first time!
I also have two adopted children at home ,  both with disabilities. And I manage just fine!
There are ups and downs, but thats life! 
Morganna xxx


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

I echo *morganna's* comment and am wishing you, *adviceplease* that you can move forward in your thinking, yourself, so that when you look back (whether you've gone for it or not) you feel comfortable that you did what felt right to YOU.

I too had a first pg and m/c at 45. I have 2 steppies, 2 dogs, 2 cats - and I am happier in my life now, than i was when younger. And I think, to any child I may be lucky enough to have, that will make all the difference.

Do what is right for you, and I hope you find someone to speak with face to face - even if money is tight, paying now for some help could save you so much in the future.

xx

PS *morganna* thinking of you!! xx


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

I've always been someone that finds it difficult to decide what to do and that is a lot of the problem.  I think if I knew someone else around my age in our locality was trying to get pregnant, it would help me to make a decision.  I would feel less alone and not the only one getting pregnant at this age.  

Thanks everyone and I also appreciate you replying.


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Hi adviceplease

I hear how difficult this is for you. Have you considered working through this issue with a counsellor? Apologies if this has already been suggested. You say you've always found it difficult to make decisions. Having a child is one of the biggest decisions you can make, so I appreciate how hard this is for you, which is why I suggest talking it through with someone. Are you in a relationship or thinking of doing this alone as this might also have some influence on the matter?


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

gaia71 - My partner isn't very supportive and that is one of issues that is holding me back.  I can't seem to accept that I've left it too late and yet I'm to anxious to try and have one of my own.


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear your partner isn't supportive. I was in the same position this time last year. Unfortunately we are no longer together because not having a child (or at least not trying) wasn't something I could live with. My partner was ambivalent and I ended up doing IVF with donor sperm. I won't bore you with the whole saga. Needless to say, I've picked myself back up and am getting on with having some new fertility investigations so that I know where I stand. I'm also going to start dating again because ultimately I would like to raise a child with a partner/husband. I'd like a family unit. However, if that doesn't happen I will do it alone (probably with donor eggs or adoption) but in doing so I will know that I've tried everything possible. Not having any regrets is the biggest motivator for me....

Adviceplease, I urge you to have a candid discussion with your partner about this. I'm not sure of your circumstances and what this would mean for you. But, do it for you. Also, there is a risk that you will resent your OH if you don't address this. I know this isn't easy and can understand your indecisiveness. However, life is too short (or too long) for regrets.


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

P.S You haven't left it too late so long as you are fit and healthy and can provide for a child... Yes, you will be older, but there are so many older mothers out there and on this forum, even if they don't live near you. 48 isn't old these days. Maybe you could consider adopting a slightly older child if this concerns you. Otherwise, consider looking at donor egg IVF abroad where they have good success rates with older women... What ever you decide to do I wish you well.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

advice please - you can get treatment in UK at 48.
I think it's important that we're supportive of each other on the forum.
I went into tx with my eyes open - I know what to expect but I don't regret it. My little son is a darling - he charms everyone he meets. I'm coping fine though obviously I'm tired, but I think many younger mums are as well. Now he's settling into routines, I'm getting more time to recharge my batteries. I think we have lots to offer.
Deb


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I appreciate your goodwill there missowen to our fellow forum member who I correspond with IRL and would hate to see burdened further over this discussion, sometimes we need a reminder that real people are behind these screen names and have not come to their childbearing decisions lightly.

I'm guilty of putting my foot in my mouth at times too and have had my knuckles rapped hard on a few occasions on here and on reflection I've hated myself afterwards for deeply wounding somebody when they are already being kicked in the guts by life without my 2 cents making it worse.

x


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## missowen (Feb 22, 2014)

Apology accepted Blondie thanks.

I told tincat about my post - she didn't mind but it's gone now anyway.


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi *adviceplease* I hope you are well. As someone who is in a stuck position myself (although a different situation to yours) I will be blunt as that is often what I need. So, please, don't take any of what I am about to say the wrong way:

*You HAVE to make a decision. Worrying and procrastinating about making a decision will only lead to you realising that fear where you will wake up one day and you WILL be too old. Once a decision is MADE I think you will instantly feel better as the current situation is just sending you around in circles and making you ill.

*You already KNOW in your heart what you want. You just sound terrified of making a decision. You wouldn't be back here all the time if you didn't already know. Decisions/change are hard, I know as I have some of my own to make but make them I will. Look at procheska (something like that) & de climente, cycle of change and identify yourself within that.

*Do NOT assume you are going to wake up one day and this need will have gone away. It sounds like it's been around for some time. If it was going to miraculously disappear it would have done so by now.

*Read around depression. My counsellor told me that it can be a good thing! It's a protective mechanism and is our body's way of alerting us to the fact that SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE. As an outsider that is clear to me, you need to be a Mother. In order to do that your confidence needs to be picked up and rebuilt. You need to live your life for YOU, not your husband (sounds harsh but he already has his dream realised), not your family and certainly not people who you don't even know!! The fact that you are worried SO much about the opinions of others smacks of someone whose opinion is generally not valued. No wonder you're scared to make a decision, the messages it seems you have from others are that you always do it 'wrong'. Start valuing your opinion yourself! Personal question, and please don't expose yourself here (ignore or pm me if you wish) but I wondered whether you have ever been in a controlling/abusive relationship. Again, lots have mentioned it but a Counsellor can help. Don't presume that because it didn't help you before it won't now, like most things in life it's success can be down to timing, skill and personality.

*The ONLY person who can change things for you is YOU. You are a sensitive person and you are struggling BUT you are caring, considerate and no doubt extremely capable alongside that. People can give you as much advice as they want but the ONLY PERSON WHO CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT IS YOU. So go, get yourself armed with the knowledge you need from clinics, adoption teams/agencies, speak to your husband and get his views and please, please, please find a way to lift your confidence. Usually it's the baby/trying to conceive bit that I find most distressing but in this case it isn't. The most distressing thing for me reading this is your lack of self belief and self confidence, it's heartbreaking to see you giving your power away to others. Others opinions are NOT important. Yours IS. Please get some help, even if it's just through reading, to start rebuilding your trust in yourself because you already have the right answers for you. We all do, just sometimes it can be frightening to acknowledge that, this I know

I'm sorry if I come across harsh, it's not my intention. Please realise that you have to take action in some way, nobody can do it for you, even responding to every comment here is hidden procrastination and help you avoid DOING something. Please also be reassured that confidence is a fluid thing. Just because it's low sometimes doesn't mean it has to stay that way. I had no confidence at all when I was younger but worked hard on myselfand became a force to be reckoned with!! Lately that has been hammered out of me by IVF and I've been in a very bad place but I know, now, thank God, that I will return.

Whichever you decide you will need to be strong to parent either way and pass a healthy self image and coping strategies to your child. And those, safety and love, are the best things you can give a child, age is just an arbitrary number

Please take care, help yourself and get cracking with those decisions  Apologies for the lecture. Miss Mayhem is now stepping down off her soapbox to take some of her own advice!  xx  
.


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## TwinkleEggy (Sep 5, 2014)

I echo missmayhem soapbox.

Hey adviseplease,

How are you feeling today?

One of the strategies I employ , is to fast forward into the future e.g. 5 or 16 years into the future, and think about what your future self would advise your present self depending on a Few outcomes e.g. Would it be better to try as many times as you can until a positive/negative outcome or be content with the way things are now. Think about what your biggest regrets could be, or what you could live with or live without.

I guess if your thinking of embryo adoption get the facts what clinics could offer you a match based on your timescales and finances .

Hope this helps.


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Thanks to all of you for your advice.  Please don't think I've taken offence MissMayhem about what you have posted.  I'm the type of person that needs a push to do things and it helps to put me on the right track.  I've always found it hard to make decisions and I'm worried about making the wrong decision.  I wonder if there are any good books on the subject of over 45 mothers?  I think I'm not in contact with enough people to get support or encouragement really and I rely a lot on my partner's company.  I'm getting good advice from here and it's nice to know there are other people in the same place.


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## StartedLate (Sep 17, 2014)

I was unsure and even continued to be unsure while having treatment. Maybe some people can just see the positives and negatives TOO well. Still, if you're that type, then make the most of it and enjoy the positives and expend your energy on dealing with or minimising the negatives.
What i did was to let 'nature' make the decision. It isn't easy getting pregnant in your later 40s, even with assisted conception, so I jumped in. I was never sure that i was doing the absolutely right thing. It took 4 attempts and i was still shocked when i got a BFP because finally that big monster decision was made. I'm delighted and am looking forward to being a mum and accept that I'm an older one. There wouldn't be many of us here is all the Imperfect mothers and fathers abstained, would there.
I didn't tell most of my friends or family that we were doing this, so it was quite a thing to reveal the pregnancy. The response is so lovely and encouraging and excited - my hospital are also very positive and unbothered by my age. 
So, why not roll the dice? It might work and it might not. If it does, you'll be happy and if it doesn't, you'll have tried.


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