# How do you approach this?



## Kate71 (Nov 3, 2011)

Hi everyone, 

Me and DH are just at the beginning of our homestudy and so far so good, however today we have been left with plenty of food for thought on a subject we had never considered - we have to tell the social worker who would look after our child in the event of something happening to both of us.

How did you choose someone and more importantly how on earth did you bring up this subject with them?

We have very supportive family and friends over the adoption process, but that is an awful lot to ask someone to agree to take on in the event of our death. It is us who signed up to adoption and we don't even know what needs our adopted child would have at this stage so if someone did agree to it, they don't know what they're signing up for do they?

Is it just me, or has anyone else found it hard to bring up with family and friends? How did you approach it?

Any thoughts gratefully appreciated!

Kate x


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## Ivavnuk (Mar 24, 2012)

Our SW said not to read too much into it - but for us there was an obvious choice - and it was my sister. She lives in the same village, doesn't have children of her own but loves kids. Everyone else has either too much on, isn't healthy, or wouldn't be suitable.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Kate,

It's a hard one isn't it.

However difficult a decision it's one that does unfortunately have to be made quite early on, just the same as you would want a plan in place for a birth child should something happen to yourself and your partner together.

One thing I would say though is at this stage your decision isn't legally binding (unless your LA do things differently to ours), your sw will just want to know that you have given it a lot of thought, that the discussion has taken place and that you have options.
At the stage you are at we too discussed with our sw all our options and who would be able to take care of our future lo/s (and at that point who was most likely willing to, as we hadn't actually discussed it with them at that point).

As you mentioned, you don't yet know anything about your lo or their specific needs so it would be very difficult and unfair to get a definite decision from anyone as they would be agreeing to the unknown to some extent.

Hopefully your sw is like ours and she is just understandably covering it to make sure you have given it some thought, to satisfy her that you have an adequate support network and to make sure you do have options in the unlikely event that this awful situation happens in the future. 

Lots of luck with the rest of your HS and beyond,

Anj x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
First time round this wasn't part of the process but for us we still considered it and when looking at children we were aware of what our family could and couldn't deal with, not just if anything happened to us but for being able to offer practical support and for any children to be able to have as 'normal' a relationship with grandparents etc as possible.
Second time round we did have to cover this and for us the choice was easy, my parents and my brother and his wife.  We are named as guardians for my brother's children if anything happened to them and they would have been hurt if we hadn't thought they would do it.  One of the considerations I feel is who you trust your future children's information to.  We are god parents to my best friends children and guardians if anything happened to them but I didn't feel it was appropriate to ask them due to the sensitive nature of my DS's story.
Have a think about who you would consider asking and then while talking about the process say that as part of it you have to think about this and wondered if they would be happy for you to put their names down.  As someone has said already, its not legally binding and you may find after having children placed that the people you thought of wouldn't be right afterall.
OT x


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

i agree it is a tough one, DH and i discussed it at length but it also went in the report to panel, so it has to be made, in the end we asked DH sister, we had be open about the adoption process we had been going through and at a family  meal one weekend he pulled her to one side and asked her saying he didn't want a decision now. it was tough as it was pre approval and before she met her niece and nephew, what it made it worse is that DH and her weren't that close, but things have changed since the kids came and she is a regular visitor.
best of luck with the decision - its not a pleasant thought and once the adoption is through off we have to go to solicitors to sort wills etc


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We asked a relative, close to us in age (younger in fact) who already had children, who were our references. We've just made our wills after placement and have repeated these wishes (so it's binding now). As they had written our reference, they were happy with the idea that we had to say who it would be before adoption.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Our sw said is was more for someone to make decisions if anything happened to us rather than to agree to take the child, which is a lot to ask someone. She gave us a template letter. I'll dig it out later and see what it says.


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## Kate71 (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies, they are all very helpful.

Have spoken to SW again and got more clarification on what they would expect from the people we choose, as you said Snapdragon - the least they would want from the people we choose would be to help make decisions on the childs future and they would hope that they would want to take the child on themselves.
As has been said nothing is legally binding, it is more around having those conversations with people now and giving it plenty of thought and discussion with them.

Feel happier in approaching the subject now, but Snapdragon, if you have that template letter I wouldn't mind you letting me know how it is worded.

Thanks again

Kate x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

sent you a pm


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## Kate71 (Nov 3, 2011)

Snapdragon - thanks very much for the template - it's really helpful!

Kate x


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