# Bfn again



## ustoget (Mar 6, 2014)

Hey, 
I haven't been on here for awhile as trying to just get on with life and stay relaxed during my natural cycles.
Quick history
First cycle 6 eggs fertilized (2 5day blasts and 4 6day blasts) ll icis as Dh as bad morphology.
First embie stuck and we had a heart beat at 8week scan.. We couldn't believe our luck. unfortunately at 12week scan there was no heart beat and we found out baby had stop growing about 8wks and 3days.. Hadn't even heard of a Missed miscarriage (I had continual pregnancy symptoms and no sign of miscarriage at all) so the shock was unbelievable and still makes me feel sick when I think back to it :-(
Had an meeting with the clinic doctor who suggested we go for natural fets with our  remaining embryos, every month continuously with no breaks. This was great news for us as it seemed like the chances of one sticking again with 4 were good, they were all grade 4 (mix bb, ab) he keeps telling us and so have all the nurse throughout that our embies are great quality and we are lucky to get them all to blasyocyst stage.. So after the devastation we seemed a lot more hopeful.

First natural fet September once periods were back to normal...number 2 was transfered and had already starting hatching ... BFN

Octobers natural fet.. We put 2 in this time as nurse suggested as they were day 6 they were not as strong (this was the first we had heard as everyone kept telling us how beautiful are embryos are) so anyway 2 transferred and yesterday I was so positive it was gonna be BFP... Tested early this morning as didn't want to test on a work day and got Bfn and my period !!! Completely gutted and lost all hope, I know we still have 2 frostys left and then 2 more fresh cycles (and how ever many frozen we get too) and all on the nhs (we are one of the lucky ones)but I'm not sure emotional how many time I can kept doing this and putting my life on hold all the time. I know I won't give up and it's just how I feel now but I'm doing everything right.. Diet, Acupuncture.. I literally haven't had caffeine for a year, I rest, I walk, I meditate... It's just not fair :-(

Any words of advice to help me keep going would Be much appreciated... Feel down and lonely x


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Don't apologise re getting NHS. We don't but can afford treatment. It doesn't make it any easier.

I have always said it is the emotional pain that over rides the physical stuff and the money in our case. I could inject myself every day forever if it meant a baby at the end, but the waiting on phone calls etc is the hardest.

We have had two failed OE cycles and have been pretty much told my eggs are poo  
We have decided to go ahead with DE now. Despite greater odds in our favour, it is still a lottery whether it will work or not  

Take care and fingers crossed for whatever you do next


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

I feel your pain ladies   

I had another failure last week ending in
a chemical pregnancy. I'm really annoyed 
with my clinic because although my initial 
faint positive was blatantly not so 
two days later they are insisting I retest again 
next week and continue support meds until then. 
They don't do bloods there it's just hpt then
a scan if all still good.

It took a week after my failed fet to bleed 
and I had a mmc too so hate hate hate this
limbo when my body wants to just give me
closure but the bloody meds are just prolonging
the agony!!!! I feel absolutely devastated right
now and the extra hormones I'm shoving into
my body don't help much  

I'm too wondering how on earth I'm ever going
to pick myself up to go through another tx. 
I know time is a great healer and all that and I've
been at this rock bottom place countless times 
before but somehow it feels worse this time. Its
partly because I haven't managed to conceive in
the golden '3 cycles average' and I'm 38 next
week and feel old, knackered and utterly useless 
I just wish I had the strength to stop cycling but
I don't know how to let go of my dream. Outsiders
say I'm brave to keep going but I just think I'm stupid
for ever believing this would ever work for us. 
I'm left with zero faith in my clinic or in my 3 little
frosties who I don't honestly believe can ever be 
converted into a small person/people I could take 
home after 9 months 

Ivf is a wonderful thing when it works but feels like
the cruelest joke when it doesn't. Apologies for being
so negative - just one if those down days today.

 to you all 

X


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## ustoget (Mar 6, 2014)

Spudlin- thanks for your reply. Your right it is the waiting game that's so hard.. I just feel sorry for those that have the added burgen of finance :-( but thanks for your words.

Hopefulshell - sorry your so down but tbh I'm feeling the exact same.. Crying all day and completely hopeless!
I totalling get what u mean about waiting for your body.. I hated the wait after my mmc, had to wait for 3 bleeds and it felt like forever. I started to feel so much better when I starting cycling again (I'm the kinda person that's feel much more relaxed when I'm doing something.. Even if its stressful) I had a feeling the second one wouldn't work so felt ok after bfn but this one is much harder as I was feeling so positive yesterday and it felt right... Now all those old painful emotions are coming back!!
That's so true 'how can we let go of our dreams'
I've been searching all day and now questioning whether I should move clinics, get extra tests .. Dr gorgy.. There's nothing else I can do myself now ... This is so hard and so unfair :-(


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Ustoget - I think when you're in the middle
of cycling you kinda allow yourself to 
believe again even if you've had failed tx before
that you momentarily forget how hideous it
feels right now!! I'm sorry you and I are feeling
the same  

Snap re doing the research! A lady on the immunes
thread suggested I try dr gorgy so been looking at
his site today at what he offers, fees etc. I've also
been looking at potentially switching clinics and been
chatting on the arcg thread. Their success rates are
very tempting but also it's so expensive so not sure
what to do really. As an nhs patient there's so much
we haven't explored but the thought of starting all over
again somewhere else is filling me with despair right
now. Need to give myself time to grieve I think before
making any rash decisions either way!!

 

X


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## ustoget (Mar 6, 2014)

Yeah defo need time to think it over properly. How many goes have u got funded? Its hard to walk away from the free goes but feels stupid doing the same thing over if it doesn't work. I think Dr gorgy seems the best bet as he will to the tests along side your nhs cycle. I think maybe its too soon to jump ship, we've both had successful implantation so we could get there again!! We have to be positive.. I'm gonna stay put for my last 2 frostys which will be transfered in a couple of weeks and then have a serious think about my next fresh go. 
God I'm not looking forward to Xmas... Its so scary
What clinic are u with ?


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi Ustoget 

Now I'm stalking you lol 

I'm currently with Bourn hall in Cambridge where
I've been incredibly lucky to have three fresh
cycles (plus 3 frozen if those yield any frosties).
We have one last fet funded. 

Part of me feels horrible to pay privately and forego
a free attempt when so many don't get funding. But
it would feel like going through the motions at the
moment with no faith that it would work. It seems too
high an emotional price to pay just to do it for the 
sake of it. Having had a failed fet last year I don't really
have reason to believe it would be different next time.

I do have a bit of comfort that I've managed implantation
but it does feel like cold comfort when the little embies
then don't grow  so hard isn't it? I think I'd feel better 
if something could be found as the cause for failed tx. 
Maybe my dr will have another suggestion at our follow up?!

Good luck and   to get us both through 

X


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## ustoget (Mar 6, 2014)

Ha ha... We're everywhere at the mo lol

Ok so your on your last go with nhs.. I see!! Are u not contemplating Dr gorgy to to the tests ?? I quite like that options if my next fet doesn't work.

Found this, might be an option??
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=82741.0

Did u have your level 1 tests done my your gp??


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi again  great minds think alike lol 

Yes, I had the basic tests done by my GP
this time. She also did swabs for hidden 
infections too just in case! 

Thanks for the link - there is just so much 
to learn I think I need a medical degree to 
get a grip on all this immunes malarkey! 
The dr gorgy route does appeal but I'm not 
sure whether it would be preferable to have
tx elsewhere where immunes is offered as part
of overall tx rather than paying out £100s 
having tests done independently? My ignorance 
scares me and I'm worried if I'm left to investigate 
myself I'll end up missing something vital! 

Best of luck with your forthcoming tx 
Hopefully you won't need to investigate any
more after it


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## ustoget (Mar 6, 2014)

good luck to you...im sure we will both get there in the end x


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