# Being brave



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Well lovely ladies, you have listened and given me such amazing advice and hugs when I needed them most over the last few years.

I think that this may be it for me now.  I've managed to stay away from this forum for a couple of weeks now, after reading about someone brave doing the same and it made me rethink my ways.  I've popped in a few times but I have this weird feeling that I just don't feel like I belong here any more.  That's a great thing in a way, I've been so depressed that I could do was sit on this site and hope that someone would pop up that I had something in common with.  It made me feel so less alone.  It's a sad thing because I still feel very alone and I'm still not quite ready to give up.

It's one year to the day today that I had my first scan of my first cycle and also the day that I run out of thryoid medication (left over from last cycle and NHS won't prescribe more).  It felt important and just a little ironic, so I tried to share this with DH this morning but it ended in a row because he doesn't feel it healthy to remember every date, or remember any sad ones.  It's important to me though because I saw the only positive pregnancy test of my life on this cycle.  I want to remember every little moment of hope and joy that I felt, it doesn't feel like I'll ever feel anything on that scale again.  My milestones may be sad now but they are mine and I'll never regret those 6 short weeks of feeling like a mum.

Along the way, I've learned so much.  I wish that I knew half of what I do now when it really mattered.  I've learned even more about my DH, in the last year I've discovered more about him and I feel like I finally know the real him now.  Thank you to the wonderful MissMayhem for setting the seed, I'm now 99.9% sure that he has high functioning aspergers.  He's a loving a wonderful man but he has done some inexplicable things during our journey and when I've needed him most.  I could never understand why and his behaviour has always been so confusing where emotion is involved.  Although it's undiagnosed and purely speculative on my half, everything that he is points towards it and oddly it is so much easier to accept now there may be a reason for his puzzling actions.

I feel a little out of place here now, this is a place of hope, questions and options, but I may pop back every now and then because this is a very hard habit to break   .  One thing that I'll never forget either are the wonderful friends that I've met here.  Thank you, I wish you all such luck.  May your dreams find you


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Molly, I wish you every success in the next phase of your life, whatever it may bring. Please try to put yourself first more of the time -- you deserve it. I've been following your story, and I really want good things to happen for you.

I understand completely what you mean about the positive pregnancy test and having loving memories of that time of being pregnant. It may not be my place to say any of this, but I don't think you should let go of your dreams just yet. I'm sure that your DH is a good person and that you love him very much. But will you love him as much in 10 years' time if you look back and realise that you gave up your dreams because he didn't fully support you in them? Is staying married truly worth giving up motherhood for? I apologise if this offends, it is definitely not my intention to put down your DH -- but I am worried about you.

Sending best wishes and lots of hope that you find your happiness in life.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi Molly 

Just wanted to send a big  .  Only you can decide what is right for you and your future so I want to wish you health, love and happiness in whatever you do.  I'm glad that you can smile when you remember memories from your pregnancy test and scan, I know things didn't turn out as anyone would would ever wish them to but those happy times can never be taken away from you either.

Take Care

Dory
xxx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you so much Crazyhorse and Dory, gosh it's hard to stay away from here  

I do worry about that Crazyhorse.  I think that part of me will always resent my DH a little bit, if the reason for our infertility wasn't a vasectomy or if he didn't already have children then I think that I could understand him not trying with me more.  Jealousy is a killer.

The fight has just gone out of me for now, but I think about ways to still have my dream constantly.  It's so sad that it all comes down to money, if I could afford it then I would book in at the clinic right now without a second thought or worry about whether DH would be with me for it or not.

I hope that those thoughts get easier over time.  I still think that he is worth it, I'll just never understand why it ended up being a decision between him and a family of my own.  Rubbish isn't it x


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## Flips (Jul 12, 2012)

Take care Molly x


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## babycrazy35 (Jul 29, 2013)

Dear Molly

I'm so wishing that your financial situation changes. I too have an old house that needs thousands spending on it and a husband that has financial commitments outside the marriage (not children) and it is HARD. Not only do you have to deal with each other and the stresses of infertility but you have to deal with other people, who a lot of the time think of themselves. Men tend to just want easy lives, that's my opinion, other's may think differently. Please don't give up on your dream just yet whatever that may be. You sound such a wonderful lady and I'm sure you are. 

Love and best wishes, Babycrazy35 xx


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Molly,

You are a brave lady and have every right to treasure precious memories of the little lives you briefly created  .

I know your situation is different to mine but I think in some ways it is probably harder to live with circumstantial infertility than being medically unable to have children.

Your husband is very lucky to have you stick by him whilst your own dreams are sidelined, but I really do hope it happens for you one day Molly. I hope you manage to find a way, squirrel away a little money here and there. The curtain hasn't fallen yet, clinics will treat up to 50, but I know everyone has their own limit, physically, mentally and sadly often financially.

Look after yourself,

B xxx


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