# Is this normal?



## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

i read recently another post from a lovely lady who said she was struggling with her lo etc which has given me the courage to post!


Lo came to us about two months ago, intros went great, we did have one afternoon at our house towards the end when lo for no reason just started screaming and nothing could distract or calm. Well if something happens that lo doesn't like, getting out of the bath, getting dressed, undressed - it's a long list! Lo was removed at birth so I can't put it down to that. 


It really starting to get to me, my oh goes to work and I feel like I cry a lot, like nothing I do for lo is good enough.  I tried to listen to others advice about give it time but the constant screaming and then stopping when oh is there is destroying me.


I thought by now I would love lo but most of the time I struggle to like lo.  What I am finding the most difficult is that we have a bc and I feel so differently to our bc than lo.  


I feel like I am a terrible mum for even thinking like this let alone writing it.  My oh said that I need to be kinder to myself.  I mentioned it to another sw that I am finding it tough and feel a bit down( I down played it) and they said don't go to the doctor as they will probably say it's post natal depression and then lo might be taken away.


I don't want that.  I just want some advice from people who might understand and not judge me.  If I mentioned this to any of my 'mum' friends they would be horrified and I dread to think what they would say.


Sorry for the long post.


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## mummy2blossom (Feb 21, 2013)

Just want to send you lots of    

I can't offer much advice as blossom is our first child, but the first few months are a bit of a shock and everything takes time (I know you probably don't want to hear that but time really does help)

I agree with ur other half, be very kind to yourself make sure you don't put pressure on yourself & take time to for yourself. To be honest I think the sw was a little harsh!

Sorry I've not been any help just didn't want to read & run


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Eveybee

Firstly   It's not at all easy is it? 
I have been having similar feelings myself. 
We have siblings, with us now for just over 2 months. I don't have a living BC but did have a very traumatic second trimester stillborn baby and I've found myself grieving more for her since LOs came home. 

My new LOs are still unsettled and I'm so limited where I can take them as DD hugs random strangers whilst DS either clings to me like a limpet or hits / pulls hair of other children almost constantly as they are so anxious so I'm usually just stuck with them all on my own. Can't go to park as they try to kill themselves and I can't watch both carefully enough to keep them safe. 
I feel extremely isolated. 
Sometimes I feel protective of them and very fond (Dont think its love yet) but other times I just wish they weren't here, even just for a few hours / a day / dare I say a week? 
They fight and have massive meltdowns. Especially DD. She tries to make sure she catches my eye before deliberately dropping jigsaw pieces all over the floor as she knows we always ask her to pick them up and she then appears to enjoy saying no. She also tries to catch my eye and then throws objects (sometimes heavy) at her brother / across the room. And if I do engage in eye contact she maintains eye contact whilst doing the throwing as though she's deliberately waiting for my reaction. Apparently she's too young to manipulate (so I've read) but my goodness it really takes me to the brink sometimes so I catch her out of the corner of my eye I do not engage in the eye contact so can act relaxed as though it doesn't rile me. Then I can just either prevent the throwing or deal with the aftermath if it's just dropping something, without giving her what she expects.  

It's hard for me not to lose my temper. 

The hardest thing for me is social isolation as like you say my mum friends really don't understand and because of the limitations where i can take LOs. 

What I have started to do last week is really delve into my support network. My parents are coming down more often, it does upset LOs if we aren't careful but for my sanity I need them to get used to my parents so I can soon get respite. 
I've also been to AUK coffee morning / toddler group, and amd going to another local adoption support group next week. 
I've been given contact of another adopter by my SW. And I've contacted one from prep group and we will meet regularly. 
Also prospective adopters are great listeners so try to get in touch with them if you can. 

DD is almost 3 so is going to start nursery in a couple of weeks, just for 2 short sessions but I'm looking forward to just having one child to look after. Some say it's too soon but honestly I'm frightened of becoming depressed if things carry on the way they are because this last week or so I've been incredibly unhappy. 

I don't believe your LO will be removed simply because you have depression. That's nonsense. Post adoption depression is a recognised condition for a reason and if I het symptoms I will most certainly go to my GP for help. 
I'm not depressed at the moment as I've had depression before and although I'm unhappy and isolated I don't feel the helplessness or sense of failure that I felt when depressed. But honestly if you feel bad get help. 

I understand that feeling, my DD whines all day and screams. DS is clingy and grouchy. He's ok if he's carried around all day but then DD wants attention (understandably so) and so pretends she has hurt her fingers / toes and screams. If I console her then her brother screams. If I try to console both they pull each other's hair and hit each other. It's impossible. 

Having said all of this I did expect to feel this way so it isn't a shock to me and that is what I think keeps me going. Some close family members adopted siblings who were extremely traumatised and it was just impossible at first for their adoptive mum but now she's happy and adores LOs totally. She was brutally honest with me as to how she felt and the love took quite a few months. So I'm expecting the same to be true for us. And sure it will for you too. 
Sorry I've rambled on about my situation but just to emphasise I feel your pain I've been crying a lot and have desperately reached out for help which is now on the horizon. It gives me hope to meet other adopters and their children. So please do the same. Or PM me anytime. 
If you live in London I recommend wearefamily. Google it and you can email them for details. 

Massive hugs. Take care 

GG xxxxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

In short - yes it is normal. 
But that doesn't make it easier. Please get support it really helps to talk xxxxx


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

that's spectactularly unhelpful of your SW to say that   

i didn't have any serious issues with little master c, and i didn't have any other children but yes, i too didn't love him at first. i used to read other posts on here from mums going through the process the same time as me, how they'd fallen in love seeing the picture, bonded from day one, were so happy, and felt like some kind of freak.

i basically felt like they'd dumped this stranger in my home, albeit a cute and helpless one, but a stranger nonetheless. i think it was the first time he got sick i started to bond, and i will be honest, we got the AO last april but i only felt like i 100% loved him last december when he was hospitalised and i spent eleven nights sleeping my him on a camp bed. it took time. i didn't fall in love with mr c at first sight either, so why would i with a child?

birth mother get nine months to bond with their child before birth, and even then not all fall in love with their baby when they first see them. we are all different, and no two relationships are the same.

does you LA do any adoption toddler groups? or theraplay? i met some really nice adoptive parents that way and it was good to talk to other people who could relate and emphasie


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Goofy girl - how old is the boy?  Both of them are ddesperate for attention. I'm sure for you and the lady who posted this, things will settle down both of you are caring and that's what matters. The boy already trusts you and accepts you. It's so awful when a child is deprived of motherly love! I feel so sorry for the orphans and the abandoned kids!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Our children are not abandoned they are removed for their own safety.  

Love takes time on both parties.  Giving birth your body releases a large surge of both vasopressin and oxytocin which creates a loving feeling.  Ig you inject mammals with these hormones they'll happily bond / adopt young.  We have no help from nature and our children are grieving for their previous care givers. It took five months for me to feel love for my girls.  It took them a little longer to start to love me.  

Don't feel guilty just accept it takes time and that you are doing all you can.  It gets easier in time I promise.  Also never forget all normal reasons for upset like teetging illness etc affect ours too. Sometimes it's easy to miss something basic because there is so much going on.  How old is lo can you put them in a sling?  Just round the house to give them proximity. My youngest needed carrying constant early placement I wish I'd had one.  X


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Cosmo, our boy is nearly 2. Yes he's desperate to attach. DD attachment style is ambivalent, she wants us but then pushes us away and seeks out others for affection which is tough. 
I have a sling an so does DH we often walk the dog wearing them. I can't wear DS around the house as DD doesn't like it and causes fights, and DS always wants to get down, but is great for nipping out and good for bonding. When we have been out in sling the children are clearly happier and more relaxed when we get back in the house. DD is a bit heavy for me so I carry DS and hubby carries DD. 

But most of all recommend support. Even just talking to neighbours makes me feel better as they are friendly and encouraging. And it makes me feel proud of LOs which helps us all. 
Xxxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Okay *craks knuckles* let's see what we can do here....  

1)  Yes, it's normal.    Very normal.
2)  You are not just normal.  You are super-normal, superhuman, supermum, SUPERHERO!  And don't you forget it.
3)  Even though removed at birth, doesn't mean LO isn't experiencing trauma.  They is lost, scared, and lack the basic brain/hormone regulation systems to manage that, because they haven't developed that.  You are her regulatory system.  Every time LO's screaming, they're saying they're scared, they're asking if you're going to stay, and they're telling you they're angry their life is so hard to understand right now.
4)  Your SW is a head case.
5)  IT.  GETS.  BETTER.  Not just a little bit, oh-okay-I-think-I-might-make-it-through-today better, but a huge load of OMG my life is awesome better.  
6)  It's normal.  I would judge that at two months in, you've got the worst of it behind you, but I don't know for sure.  From one month in to three-four months in I was daily being punched in the face by a very angry and grieving his foster family little boy.  With a little intervention and advice from our SWer we got through, round, and over that and are very proud of our clever, gentle, fast, caring, loud, crazy, stunt-boy.  ;-)
7)  You're not doing anything wrong.  That doesn't mean there aren't a hundred things you could try, with the right support and advice, but you're not making this happen yourself.  
  Your LO will forget and forgive quicker than you will.  
9)  Fake it until you make it is real.    Keep faking the love and give it space to grow.
10)  If your SWer won't give you support and advice, you need to find another route.  Our Bug's SWer was of the chocolate teapot variety, but ours was a superhero.  Just like you, remember?  The words I used to access help were, "I am not coping.  I need help and I need it now."  When we discussed the placement six months after the AO was granted, our SWer confessed she never actually thought there was a risk of the placement disrupting, even when I'd stated my need that clearly.  

Keep going, sweetheart.  You're doing an amazing job.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Great advice AoC.

Yep, it's normal. My two were both removed at birth. DD was a really 'good' baby and very easy even when she came to us at 11 months, but I still didn't feel much for her for about 3 months. I remember thinking how I loved my niece so much more....now I could never say that, but you don't just love them straight away, it's not how it is, and that's the hardest bit as you feel SO guilty about that. DS came to us at 4-5 months also removed at birth and was the total opposite. He's 21 months now and he will scream about anything, anytime, any place. He has been really tricky. At a year I asked the HV about it and she said given how long he had been with us and how young he was when he came to us it was probably just his personality. I tend to agree. He's been throwing tantrums from around 9 months - I never would have said that was possible. He's incredibly secure but he will throw a wobbler pretty frequently and gets very, very cross when he doesn't get his own way. 

However in your case I think it probably is just your LO settling down with you. Time will tell. Don't feel guilty about not loving your LO yet, that really does take time. I'm fairly confident you won't feel this way in a few months. 

Your SW sounds blood unhelpful. If you need help, get help.....but be aware you don't actually have to tell the SW if you see your doc...they won't know. Im pretty sure your doc wouldn't tell SS unless you felt so bad you might harm the child and SAID that; just be measured in what you say if you see your doc and ask outright if they would pass that info on but I'm pretty sure it's confidential. Maybe someone can clarify. My SW told me to go and see my doc if I needed to anyway...I was stubborn but got there in the end, thank goodness, it changed everything. I went to see my doc after my son was placed and I had battled on for months feeling dreadful. I went on meds and instantly felt better. Admittedly I did wait until the AO was granted or very nearly granted but if took me that long to admit that I wasn't coping. I had a 9 month old and a 20 month old when I finally got some help and my son screamed day and night for a pastime ....no wonder I wasn't bloody coping! 

Don't beat yourself up, adoption is very tough and there are a lot if bits no one talks about in RL but we're all very honest and supportive here


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## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

thank you all so much.  i feel better just knowing i am not the only one!

i think its everything happening at once.  I have put on weight which is a really really big deal for me and is upsetting(my fault entirely though!), bc has special needs which we are still fighting to get help for.  My folks are supportive but not local.  in laws are more than not helpful, if anything oh and myself have both said we need to take some time away from them.  when they came round the other day the house was hoovered, polished and tidy, both children were washed, dressed and fed, i was washed dressed and had makeup on, the dog had been walked and fed and yet she said to her friend on the phone (whilst at my house) that it was manic and complete chaos. It really got my back up especially when she keeps constantly going on about her daughters child and how amazing he is and has videos and hundreds of photos on her phone.  but a couple of my two.  this coupled with the comments she makes - its like our children are defective - or second best as ones disabled and the other adoptive. thankfully oh is on the same page - he says he has had this his whole life.

sorry for the rant!!  and thanks again.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Glad you're feeling better 
Doesn't sound like your fault for putting on weight. I've been overeating since LOs came and craving sugar sugar sugar all the time!! Think it's a normal stress response. And with your in-laws. Well that sounds very stressful too. Rant away! 

Great advice on here. Haha AoC could just see you cracking your knuckles  

 you're never alone EveyBee xxxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I ate everything in sight in those early weeks and months! I still crave sugar now and can be found scoffing biccies or chocolate. I actually lost weight with mine because I was so stressed and pushing two heavy kids around my very hilly area...I'm making up for it now I'm so much more relaxed though and watching the waistline again.

Your in-laws don't sound helpful, keep the people around you who offer a helpful, positive contribution right now and don't bother with anyone who doesn't - the chaos remark from your MIL in your presence was more than unnecessary.

You are doing great even though it may not feel that way and you'll look back in a few months time and wonder how you survived and be very proud of yourselves x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Wow, you do need time away from your in-laws, I don't think I have ever achieved all of those things together since Bug came home!    Don't put yourself under so much pressure, hon, you're doing amazingly.  (((((hugs)))))


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