# Tantrums beyond my control or my abilities



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Evening! Very sad post from me! 
My four year old is destroying me! Literally! 
He screams, shouts, hits himself, bites himself, bangs his head against anything and cuts himself, hissy fits on the floor, and totally destroys my ability to parent! 
My child is normal most of the time, and my husband doesn't have this problem! It's just me! 
He does love me, his problem is curious! Started to get worse in last six months. 
I have tried time in, time out, consequences, removal of toys, early bed, no treats, rewards charts and tonight I lost it! I proper screamed at him and lifted him up and put him in to bed! I didn't hurt him, obviously but it was a fight that lasted about a hour all because he wouldn't eat his vegetables! 
I remember being here with my daughter but didn't think this would happen with my son! My angelic beautiful boy! He only does this to me! And yes I know I don't help by reacting to it but I am so stuck! 
He is quite wild! Which is not normal! 
We think it's anxiety about going to school! But who knows! 
I am not even going to tell my husband about this as he just judges me and says that it's my fault! He never had any of the issues with my daughter either! She hates women maybe he has picked up on this! 
So lost


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## dimplesforever (Aug 1, 2014)

Sorry to hear that things are so tough at the moment Frangipanii.

One thing that sometimes works with my son (3) is just holding him close on my knee and repeating to him that I love him and that everything's going to be okay.  I can't remember who the author of the book is but I have found the PLACE model quite effective - especially Acceptance.  I think if I hadn't read that book I would have argued with him a bit more, e.g. 'you can't possibly still be hungry' etc. but now I tend to say 'I understand that you would like chocolate, I wonder if you're feeling hungry, would you like ..' and it sometimes calms him down.

Also using a picture based timetable has worked to manage expectations,

My niece and nephew (not adopted) who are the same age as your boy are quite unsettled at the moment by the recent school visits etc and I guess this fear of change is only going to be worse for an adopted child.  I think my sister's behaviour could be viewed  as quite indulgent at the mo because she is really picking her battles and trying to avoid conflict as much as possible whilst they process these big emotions.

Hope things get better soon and that you feel able to share with your husband what happened without feeling judged - you're only human.  We all lose our tempers sometimes - I have shouted at my boy before and felt awful afterwards and sworn never to do it again...until the next time.

Take care


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## notgivingup (Apr 13, 2012)

So sorry to hear you are having a tough time. It's so difficult to not react when LO's are pushing your buttons. I've had times when I've put my DS (nearly 4) to bed and when I reflect in it later I end up feeling really bad that I allowed it to escalate from something so trivial in the grand scheme of things, but when you are dealing with trivial things all day everyday we end up running on empty and lose it. I'm not sure there are many people on here who can't empathise with you for that! You are human, and sound like you aren't getting much support at home. 
Can you contact your sw for support? I'd like to be able to offer words of wisdom but my tank is also empty so I'd be a bit hypocritical! But I will send virtual hugs which you sound like you need


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

gosh this could have been me writing this post, my LO aged four went through such a bad stage....hubbie and I were literally feeling like we were at the last straw and couldn't cope, every day we had tantrums lasting over half an hour, hitting of us hurting us... now just maybe once or twice a week and lasting five-ten mins x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Don't beat yourself up.  Hang in there and keep sharing.  Take care lovely xx


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

Hi

I remember going through this - my mantra to myself was pick ur battle Blue!
Ignore the unacceptable and highly praise the acceptable too.

If he hasn't eaten after 20mins get him down from the table - he will have a stronger stubbornness than u too!  

I do think it's the age - pushing to be independent but not in control of his reactions or know the consequences ...

I hope it gets better for u soon - try and stay consistent and calm and don't let him see you getting cross as for then any attention is good attention

Blue


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Will PM you think it's secondary trauma have been there with my youngest hugs xx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Thanks all for the advice and support! I am feeling distant from him now but I have had such good advice from you all and other friends that I feel my toolkit is bigger and will enable me to be much more calm and intellectual about it all!
The thing is I love him more than anything in the whole world, and I know he feels the same I can see it in his eyes and the way he just comes up to me in good moments and say he loves me, he strokes my hand and says that I am lovely! I just want to be better for him and his future! Xxx


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## Theretofour (Feb 19, 2013)

It is so hard but stay with him and when you are ready Mummy is here to give you a hug and listen to you. He may not know why he is feeling this way.  Labelling his feeling I can see you are sad etc help us. You need to be kind to your self and have some me time to.  You said hubby say it your fault it is he can show you his sad side and know you will stand with him x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

My 4yr old is exactly the same!!!
He's utterly awful when he melts down but lovely the rest of the time! He knows I love him and he's pretty securely attached having been home since 10mths but he can be a nightmare. He feels the need to be in control at all times and refused to do things that you know he likes/ wants, then gets upset a few seconds later because he only hurls abuse/ hurts me (kick, bite, thump, headbutt, throws objects) because he wants control. If you give him two choices he says no to both and demands a different option. He's finally starting to get it when we use the good choices/ bad choices system but this is only any good when he's still rational. If he's gotten hysterical there's no calming him and time-in just result is me being injured by him. 
After his 3 school visits he had massive meltdowns and night terrors and became incredibly insecure so it got a lot worse. We're plodding on and although I yell a lot I'm getting better and trying to deflect before the issues occur. 

He's currently receiving theraplay through the adoption support fund (we just got in before the 3yrs were up) and although I feel it's a bit silly we've only just started so need to give it more time.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Sorry for hijacking this thread but we are also getting theraplay from the adoption support fund for our daughter who has recently turned 4 and came home at 12 months. What are you expecting to get from it? I really don't know how I feel about it and part of that might be because I just don't know where we are going with it.

Thanks


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Tbh i gave up with it, and became strict yet firm with lots of open love and communication and we seem to be ok X


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