# 3rd and final failed treatment cycle



## NickyRich (Sep 12, 2012)

well, it was all going so well on our 3rd and final cycle but today I have started bleeding heavily, 2 days before OTD.  This is the end of the road for us and fertility treatment-not putting us through it again!   I have cried all day but am resigned to the fact that I will never hold my own baby in my arms.  We have been TTC for 12 years now and it was a big decision to tackle it a 3rd time!  I lost 2 stone in weight for it, got rid of the cysts on my ovaries and was in a better shape than I have been for a long time.  Everything was looking good-one blast and one morula put back and had lots of symptoms.  It has all come crashing down today and we now have to pick ourselves back up again and get on with life without children.  I have spent so many years trying to achieve my dream of becoming a mummy but I know in my heart of hearts it will never happen.  It is time to stop focusing on it and for our lives to go in another direction.  I am an infant teacher and teach nursery so I get to spend my days with children and unfortunately see children who have the most awful parents!!!  Life is so unfair!!!  I am planning on getting back into my diet and exercise, my crafting and baking!  I have had time on the sick for this cycle so I am also looking forward to going back to work in a few weeks when I am feeling stronger.  How have you coped with the pain of moving on?    to you all xxxxx


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## hellokitty (May 8, 2011)

I haven't been on this site since the end of our third treatment ended in a bfn. I read your post and all the emotions of the last treatment came flooding back! I want to reach trough the Internet a give you a big hug! I want to tell you how sorry I am and it'll be ok but I'm sure it's the last thing you want to hear, I know it was the last thing I wanted to hear!
It's such a devastating feeling knowing that you'll never hear anyone call you mum, I have 2 dogs and although they are my babies and I'm their mummy they'll never shout down  the stairs and say "mum, where's my school shirt?!"
After my 3rd failure I went to my gp and she explained that I would grieve, even if I decided on donor eggs, I would grieve for my child that I would never have, it's true and 5 months later I went through the 5 stages of grief and have come out the other side. I changed my job and am so much happier I've got back on the path I was on before the fertility treatment, because it's not just the treatment it's all the investigations you go through before even starting.
I've had to embrace the childless future I will have, it's hard at times and I do think of how things could be different but then I pick myself up and go and do something I wouldn't be able to do if I had kids, mostly because you have to sort out babysitters. 
Give yourself time and over indulge, but importantly be good to yourself and wait to make any decisions


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## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

NickyRich and hellokitty - didn't want to read and run and although I have absolutely nothing to say that will make you both feel any better, I know how it feels to have fail after fail and thoughts of never becoming a mummy.  I'm not at the stage to move on just yet but wanted to send a   to you both and wish you well in your futures. x


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## Tweetiepie (Aug 23, 2004)

Hello Nicky Rich
Im so sorry to read about the sadnes sin your message.  I could feel your pain as we have also been trying for almost as long as you (11 and a half years) and after many cycles we have never been successful.  We actually took 2 years out of ttc and basically decided that was it.  I was quite down through that time.  Its just so hard to find your way in life when the focus has been to try and create a family for so long.  And when you put everything into it to get negative after negative.  It is absolutely sould destroying.  It changes you as a person and it changes your relationship too.  Some changes are good... and some are bad... I feel like I need to find the 'fun' me again.  I feel like I need to find a new 'purpose' in life.  Its almost like a bit of a mid life crisis... I feel like we have been trying for so long but have not achieved anything... and then suddenly I am panicking because I feel like I have wasted years and years of my life  trying to achieve the impossible.
So, I spent 2 years going through all of the emotions.. but then recently decided that I could push myself through another attempt but this time something less invasive, IUI.  Its been quite hard, mostly emotionally...
I'm not being overly positive.. but just trying to give it a go... but after this I feel, THATS IT!  I really need to sort my life out... and do all the things I have missed out on...
I like what you said about getting back into your baking and crafts.  I think this is very positive!  
One thing I have done through those 2 years out of ttc was to look at what we do have rather than what we don't have.  Its hard to do this.  But we have our health and have our family... and you have your career which sounds amazing... I kind of let that part of my life go during all of this ttc malarley... which was a big mistake... then again at the time I wasn't happy with my job... so it is no real loss... 
I guess teh right way to look at it is, that this is an opportunity to take on something I really like and really give myself to it wholeheartedly, 100%.  Because, lets face it, theres nothing stopping me... no commitments...
I wish you strength during these times which will be hard... but know you have friends here that will listen and try and help out as much as they can.
Take care x


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