# Moving on?



## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Everyone

For some month's now I have been thinking about writing this post but never felt comfortable about raising the subject.  However something has prompted me to do so recently so here goes .....

It has nearly been a year since my last and final treatment failed.  I have come a long way since then, I have ups and downs but I am really proud of my progress, BUT...... (and please don't be offended with what I am about to ask  )

Do you think you can ever move on while you are still regularly accessing this board and posting?  Do you think it does any of us any good to face a constant reminder and very rarely give ourselves time off?  I know it is a widely held belief that you can't really move on until you have 'dealt with your stuff' first but to be honest, I would hope that I do not feel the need to be posting here in say 5 or 10 year's time and when is the right time to stop?!!  About 6 months or so ago I mentioned in a post that when I came here I was often upset  over what I read (on this thread) and questioned whether or not it is doing me any good.  Thankfully I am much stronger than I was 6 months ago so I am not always upset at what I read but perhaps it is not doing me any good?  I do try to lighten the mood sometimes and I know others do too but then sometimes I feel it is not appropriate when there is always someone who is really down when you are feeling strong and vice versa   .  

I know others have 'broken free' from this board and I see that as a really positive step forward and I wish them ALL the luck and love in the world but when is the right time to leave .....

Please please please don't get me wrong, I have REALLY benefited from being here, have had some great laughs, met some fantastic people (in person too I might add) but wanted to pose the question of when is the right time to just cut ties with FF's Moving on thread, stop looking back and just get on with my life!  I am not sure I am ready to leave just yet but do you think there is a time limit for being here?  Do you think perhaps all of us should set ourselves that goal of living free of FF?  God it sounds like I am a raving loon and asking for 'care in the community' doesn't it  

I really really hope no one is offended by my posting and I would like to make it clear that I do value each and every one of you and give you credit for helping in my recovery journey so far ...

What do you think girls?
Love 
Pipkin xx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

I know a lot of ff girls who have taken time out from the boards at various times usually after tx has failed. I have natural breaks when i am off school and i make myself not log on at home.I have a long break of 8 weeks in the summer which is good in some ways tho i do miss the posts.

I think we will move on when fully ready- i dont think i am yet(it is 2 years now since my last tx) as i have still a few hurdles to face such as my 2 sisters getting pg. I know i will need support for that as i wont be able to turn to my family at that time(for obvious reasons) and most of my friends have kids too so i KNOW i will need you all!!!

Maybe when that finally happens i can start to move on fully.I dont know .I will wait and see.I suppose it will be a huge decision to just "leave" and i think i will leave my decision for another time in the future!!

Ps we know you love us!!! Be easy on yourself with the ann a year on.It will take time,even more time than you have had i think,xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

I kinda come and go and feel I will be able to live with my childlessness (if we don't adopt) but never fully be ok with it. I also like to be able to help those that have not come as far as those that have helped me. I love this thread but each of us are different and we all have to honour that. So don't worry about offending anyone as you haven't. The best thing about this thread is that you can be honest. You have to do what is right for you. As for me, I think I will be on here for quite a long time as I just love all the women and they give me faith in human race again. Now I must get on as too much to do.

LOL
Yamoona


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

I'm not offended by your question, I think it's a valid query.

I see this whole thing very much as a process. I spent years on a forum which is very treatment based (while I was having tx), and it was absolutely appropriate to me at the time. However, now I am at a different stage in the process, and on the (few) occasions I've popped back to that board, it depresses me to see all the posts from people going through tx (although it does remind me that I'm "over" that part of infertility!).

I suppose my point is that I agree with you that eventually I suppose I would like to feel that I don't need this board anymore either. I don't think you can set a time limit though - the "preparing yourself to move on and accept this sh*tty thing that happened to us" stage is probably very different from one person to the next.

I think, for me, when the time is right to leave this forum, I'd like to move on to the next support group! That's why I like the sound of "More to life". It sounds like a sort of final place for people like me. I don't feel like there will ever be a time when I won't need _someone _ who understands, that I can turn to and say "OMG another person just asked me if I've ever considered adoption" etc etc!!!


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Pipkin
I'm not offended either! I think you raise a very pertinent question here - and it certainly struck a chord with me. I can see where you're coming from, esp re coming on here and feeling upset...It's a tricky one. Obviously we all want and need to move on, and that can only be done in our own individual/special ways..I think what's different about this forum though, is that people are genuinely supportive of WHATEVER you do or say, and I think it's really good to explore feelings around this issue. I know that I don't post that much, but I still feel that I'm on FF a bit too much, and that sometimes it can remind me of things I may have forgotten, or remind me of difficult feelings etc. I think it's not helped by the fact I work from home and often I'm hanging about waiting for paint to dry (no really  ) - and I sometimes stray onto the tx forums I used to be on - which isn't helpful obviously. 

I would be really interested in what the others have to say on this one...but in the mean time - I do totally 'get' what you're saying.
love xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

P

Great, great question, and we should never be afraid to ask the questions that probe the darker corners of this stuff. I'm a bit pressed for time today, and so my answer will have to be short, for now. 

Here goes; If it fits, it fits. When it stops fitting, stop. The woman who ran the workshop I attended, Meredith, has now reached a point where she's not so inspired to run the infertility ones, as she's reached a stage where she's got other ideas, other plans. I think it's probably the same with this place. There are times when I need to be here, times when I don't. It's felt different at each stage of the journey. 

What matters, in the end, is the capacity to be respected for your choices at any stage, and the opportunity to maintain friendships with people you meet here with or without the site being how you communicate. I could probably live just fine without FF, but I would never really want to do without my 'sisters'. 

You have come along way - and that makes you one of my heroes!

Love, 

MM xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dearest Pip-pip

There is nothing wrong with taking a step away from this place if you feel you need some space for the time being. I've done it myself hon, and there are many others who have done so too. 

I suppose what I'm trying to say is there is no wrong in taking time out from here, be that forever, or temporarily... we all need to do things to take care of ourselves, and if that means not logging in here then so be it... I'd miss you though, but I wouldn't want you to stick around here if it were causing you pain or limiting your being able to move onto the next phase of life for you either!

Sometimes we need to break free for our own sakes.... I hope I've made sense?

Sending you gentle hugs and thanking you for raising some very valid points here.
Emcee x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Pipkin,

A really good question and some great answers too.

As you know, I gave up ttc years ago. Back then I don't think this site even existed and so people like me had to move on without such a wonderful community of support.

I came on here last year after watching a documentary that reminded me of all I had been through and just looked for somewhere to go with the feelings. I doubt I would have stayed around but that it happened about then my family started on a phase that looked like leading to the first grandchildren. Indeed it did and the first grandchild is now expected among nieces and nephews on DH's side, and one of my brothers has recently announced his wife's pg. So for me some new angles on moving on have emerged and I have had some wonderful support here. So I am still here for me.

Other members deal with pgs amongst their siblings nearer to their own ttc time. Everone's life is different, so everyone will be here for different lengths of time, and maybe in and out when needed. The grandparent issue seems to have come up for a few people recently.

Has anyone noticed that people sometimes come for support with issues that are not directly IF related? It seems to me that when we come to many issues, problems or dilemmas our IF does have a bearing. So people look to this board for support as they know others here will understand that angle.

Personally, I do not seem to get upset for *myself * when I read the posts. But I am moved for the writers and often try to give some support.

I have been thinking about logging out permanantly, but I have made some good friends here and want to keep in touch. When I go I hope some people will stay in touch off site.

Lots of love Pipkin, you have certianly come a long way. Respect!

Jq xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

pipkin, It's a good queston to raise. It's great that you can be so honest.

For me I feel that my IF has made me ask questions about other areas of my life. At time ( when I'm feeling most positive!! ) I sometimes try to see IF as a sort of gift. I know that sounds daft and maybe a bit to pollyanna-ish but it does force you to look at other things. I think that a lot of women see childbearing as an opt out. I know when some of my friends with kids have had a few too many vino's a couple of them where quite honest and said that they had children 'cos it was an acceptable reason to stop work. I think that's true of more women than we imagine. Struggling with IF has really me me face work issues - I've just resigned from my job yesterday!! (YAYYY) Have a new job to go to though - hopefully less stressful. 

I also have tried very hard to concentate on my relationship with my lovely lovely husband. I think lots of relationships get lost in the chaos of family life.
My sister is pregnant currently and vomitting her wee heart out so that's helped me see it's not all wonderful too.

I log on here because It's offered me support in the worst of my times but also I think that you are an absolutely wonderful group of women. I appreciate your honesty, your ability to laugh when laughter is needed and to cry when tears are more appropriate.

With best regards Jo


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Girls

Thank you very much for all your replys.

I think after a long conversation with DP, during which I showed him all your replies as soon as he got in from work (God love him!). The conclusion is that I am going to 'try' to _cut down_ my time spent accessing the board. It is not just posting (as I don't really post that much) but I do work form home and like to have FF 'on' in the background much of the time and tend to read and have a nose around the site which is not so healthy sometimes (so I can relate to you Ruby!).

I would like to add that I am not questionning the support on here as it is fabulous. I am just questionning ME being in this 'environment' day in day out. I seems strange that I will avoid certain TV programmes, stories in the media about IF/parenthood but will then come on here and surround myself with the very subject (albiet from a slightly different angle)!!! These are just thoughts girls and not for you to answer....

THANK YOU as usual for your support - everyone of you 
Love a confussed Pipkin  xxxxxx
PS...
Jo - congrats on your job! Well done!

Irish - When you sis announces a pregnancy it will be hard (very hard) but please trust me when I say that you will love your niece/nephew hun (you will). My niece is a little darling and I wouldn't be without her BUT like you, I did find it hard when my sis in law was preg and especially the announcement BUT I get very excited whenever I am going to see my niece now and can't stop cuddling her and hogging her so you WILL get through it and enjoy it (*in time*) too  . The pregnancy will be the 'hurdle' but the niece/nephew will be the best bit - trust me.


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx Pipkin.Will send you a pm


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Pip

Top move if this is what gets you where you need and want to be. Full of admiration for you making such a healthy choice.

Your mate - and a big fan!!!

MM xxxx


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## QD (Aug 15, 2003)

It sounds like you know yourself really well (something a lot of people never get the hang of).  Good luck!

Completely with you on the nieces/nephews front.  The pregnancy stage is difficult but when that's over and they are people in their own right and you are the 'cool' auntie, it's such a great feeling!

p.s. well done on your new job, Jo


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