# How to support others?



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello.

As regulars here will know, I gave up ttc ages ago after 7 miscarriages but have younger brothers with much younger partners and so only now am I having to learn to be a biological aunt. ( I am an aunt to DH's nieces and nephews, in reality only close to one of his 4 sisters' children who were all born before our IF issues and are now grown up.)

My oldest brother's recently pregnant wife,age 20, just emailed this weekend from Spain (where they live.)  He was party to the mail too. 
They have only lived together since she got into Spain last Aug.I don't know when they started ttc, but this March they said they had IF issues so knew what I had been through! Within about 2 weeks I heard she was pg! The email started with a page to describe how sick she is, so tired too, cannot work due to this (usually helps with his business) feels guilty as he has to do all the earning and housework. On and on about this. Lots of detail about vomiting and tiredness. Also says she has seen GP who says there is nothing to worry about. Wants to know what I think! Ends by saying "Oh, Happy Birthday for Friday! Sorry we were too busy to send you a card or present."

I have answered to say I hope she soon feels better and that the symptoms sound normal to me, especially as GP says nothing unusual. I suggested that maybe she is feeling lonely as her family is so far away (Philippines) and so maybe she needs to get some local support through Spanish equivalent to antenatal classes and NCT. I also emailed a link to a website for newly pg women.

How do I continue to be supportive when I just want to say "You don't know how lucky you are!" ?

I think my family see me as a wise woman who can support everyone, they do not seem to realise that I have support needs too! I think they believe that moving on from IF issues means I am immune to any further pain on this issue!

Thanks for reading.

Jq xxxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dearest JQ, 

The last bit of your message is the crux of this for me. Your family don't see you as a woman with any 'suffering' left to do in this area, and so do not percieve the impact of their, let's be blunt for a moment, blase behaviour. 

I am enduring similar kinds of insensitivity at the moment at the hands of my family, so I get how you might be feeling. For me, part of my coping / maintaining self esteem is centred around not slamming doors in the face of people / experiences, but this leaves us open to others more so than if we announced that the doors were shut for the time being. As my darling hubby said to me last week, if I never show my tears or make a scene, how will they know they are upsetting me. To this my response is, surely my family should have the capacity to predict what I might find upsetting and stop a moment to engage brain before speaking.

Sadly, it seems this is not the way of it. 

You are an incredible inspiration to many of us here, primarily because you offer the perspective of a strong woman who is 'out the other side' of this in most ways. But, if you have one thing that regularly drags you back in, it is your family - I'm sympathising here, because although I haven't reached your level of peace, really the only thing that leaves me seriously wobbly at the moment is spending any time with my family. 

All my ramble isn't getting to my point. I'm not practicing what I preach here in any way, as I've yet to speak to my family about the ways in which they hurt us, but in your situation, I'm fearful that if you don't 'make a point' now, you're going to have 9 months of c#@p to endure followed by a sizeable dose of family pronatalism that might be hard to witness. Can you consider an explanatory email? - you may get a cold front travelling up from Spain for a few months, but wouldn't that be better ultimately than getting emails lke this every 5 minutes? You are not the only person who can help them, and it's possibly time for them to identify more appropriate sources of support. You don't have to rage or be rude, just establish what you can and can't do for them, and let them know that childlessness is an ongoing challenge no matter how at peace you feel. Can I also recommend Sweet Grapes by Jean and Michael Carter; excellent chapters on dealing with family. 


Whatever seems the right path for you hun, we will all be here rooting for you. You've endured a lot from them - and I'm not saying you don't get anything back - but it would seem that as a collective they're 'not getting it' for the time being....

BIg luv to you hun, 


MM xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I agree with MM on this one hon.

There is no harm in you taking a step away from all of this for a while - hells bells she seems intent on bombarding you with all the nitty gritty and I bet she hasn't stopped for one minute to consider that actually it might be pretty hard for you to hear all this stuff.

Suggesting a website and the other stuff you mentioned are a good idea. I would actively encourage her to talk to her health professionals and steer her away from relying on yourself as a source of information and support for the time being. Think of it as self preservation for you, and that she will get more comfort support and reassurance out of others in similar shoes to herself.

I can PM you some sites that might be of interest to her hon, am going on the assumption here that she speaks English. Let me know?

Let us know how you get on, lets hope she gets the message that not every detail of what is happening to her is going to necessarily be of interest to anyone else - lets face it, its a big deal for her, but not for most folk... some people don't get it though do they?

Love and a big squeezy hug winging their way to you
Emcee x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thanks to my dear friends. What you say makes a lot of sense.

I will start by making clear I can't offer much support. I am in England and so can't help with the shopping and housework. In terms of advice re pg maybe my experience is not what they need to hear, (Saying that might remind them that it was tough for me!) so they should use the GP and my other suggestions.

Thanks for offer of more websites Emcee. Apparently my brother thinks time on the computor will harm her so doesn't want her to use it!!! So that's up to them. She can do a search if she wants to when he is not looking!

May look out that book MM.

Good old B, my stepdad, seems somewhat bemused, to quote, "She's pregnant, not ill!" But we must not forget that she is very young and only recently left her life of poverty in the Phillipines and left her closeknit family and friends too. Her Spanish is not yet good, so maybe she is lonely and a bit frightened.

Sorry you are enduring similar MM.At least with living in different countries I don't spend too much time with my family and may not have to see the pg develop up close!

Love

Jq xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

There's not much I can add to this JQ, I just wanted to throw in a line of support, hopefully they'll take the hint and leave you in peace.

flipper


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thanks Flip.

More material for the book eh?

Love  Jq xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

I sympathise jq, it's really hard. One of the difficult thing about IF is it's such an invisible wound. If someone looses a partner for instance, others see that that person is not there so there is someone to grieve for. With IF there is nothing to grieve for except your longing and hopes and dreams - very real to you but not to anyone else. So hard to after all those miscarriages jq. 
I can't add anything that the others have not suggested except that it is important to let yourself acknowledge your loss.
I am in a similar situation in that my sister is very unwell with her pregnancy and I have been the person supporting her. It has really affected me and has brought up a lot of my grieving. It also seems very unacknowledged - although not by my lovely sister fortunately but certainly my by Mum who has waxed lyrical about the looked forward to arrival of this child and has not once mentioned my own attempts to have a child.
I guess the cultural, language and age difference makes it difficult for you to express such feelings to your SIL which makes that very difficult for you.
Take care Luvvy
Jo


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Jo,

I did think of you when I posted as I know you are being such a support to your own sister despite all that it takes out of you. I feel a bit mean by saying I cannot offer much support in comparison. The thing is, I don't think my SiL is physically unwell, (though she is tired and nauseous, which her GP says is normal at this stage and he is right as far as I know from my own pgs and the more sucessffull ones of friends and family .) I know she has prescribed herself with bedrest, and I wonder if that is such a good idea, but do not dare ask! I am also a bit bemused by my brother wanting to keep her off the computor! That is keeping her away from emailing me and her family in the Phillipines who are some of the loveliest people you could meet. She can't afford to ring them, especially as they have only shared mobiles.

I do wonder if she is feeling isolated but I can't help with that as not only do I not share the experience of a pg that looks to be going fine, but I am far away. That is why I suuggested she finds some other pg women in Spain and internet support. (Her English is fine by the way, the language she was educated in and communicates to my brother in.)

I am sorry that your mum is not being entirely sensitive to you, but am glad to hear that your sister is.

You take care too - tell us more about the new job!

Lots of love,

Jq xxx


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