# Next stages after first SW visit.....



## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

hey all

not sure whether to be excited or scared !!

filled out enquiry form after info evening 4 weeks ago & tbh, was still slightly unsure at that stage, but thought, well at least i can see the SW & see what the whole process is - as i'm still a bit bewildered about it all.

Hubby called me at work this morning to say can i take next tues off as we have a SW coming for an initial 1-2 hour ''informal'' discussion.

Ok - - what shall we expect..............................

i have always viewed SW 's with a slight degree of wariness as feel they are 'out to get you' and if there's one thing people say about me its that i'm honest -too honest for my own good sometimes!  if i don't like something / or a situation -i'll say why.

so please any advice / tips - make lots of tea??!!!

sam x


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

Hi - great news that thing s are moving along so quickly for you.

Our initial SW visit lasted 2 hours.  She asked us things like, why we want to adopt, what we do for a job, how much we earn, she looked around the house to see it was suitable and checked the spare rooms.

She then explained the whole process of adoption and what happens when.  Then she said she had to go back to her Manager to discuss us, and decide if we were suitable to proceed to Prep Course.  They let us know within a few days that we had been accepted and they pushed to get us on the next Prep group which was 6 weeks later.

Don't worry, it will be fine.  Also being honest is a good thing in this process, this way they can find out all about you, what you like/don't like, what makes you compatible as a couple and how you see an adopted child fitting into your life.  If the SW knows everything about you, they will find you the perfect child for you.  

Good Luck and let us know how it goes!


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## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Hey Sam,

We had 1st visit yesterday. Exactly as Mrs YG describes, ours was 3 hours ( I think I talked a lot!) she had a quick look round. And although I felt nervous & sick with worry beforehand; would we get on, would I say the wrong thing, etc. It was actually fine, quite therapeutic in a way, I was completely honest and got a little emotional. She was a very nice lady and gave us lots of helpful advice about the next steps, reading suggestions etc.  

The one piece of advice I would offer is to just scribble down a short chronology of your lives, I have a terrible memory so trying to recall what year I moved jobs escaped me, nerves didn't help.   she did say that's very normal. Not too much detail but I wish I had been just a little prepared with a few prompts to hand! But perhaps thats just me, your memory may be far better! 

Don't worry, it'll be great, let us know how it goes?

M x

M
X


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## Candy Kate (Jun 14, 2011)

Hi Sam,

Great news that its happening so quickly, I had to wait 9 months before I could speak to a sw, so I'm really pleased for you.  I agree with what everyone else has said, and they must understand that it is quite nerve wracking and my sw even apologised about having to ask such personal questions.  One question I was asked that I wasn't ready for was what my support network was like, family and friends etc.  I coudn't stop talking and started listing nearly everyone I know, knowing full well that they would help me if I was in trouble but aren't actually my core close people I rely on regulary.

Good Luck and let us know how it goes. x


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

thanks ladies

tbh - am not thinking too much about it -i think i would go mad if i think too much about what sort of q's we'll be asked!

thanks Minmouse for the tips on scriblling down some ''dates etc' -  i am also useless at remembering stuff like that and i KNOW i waffle on & on about stuff - but i'm sure the SW will have heard it all before.

A few things are niggling me - like me & my brother fell out a few months ago - - he is older then me & the most arrogant person you'll meet -we fall out on a  regular basis (so do my mum n dad with him!) so am not sure what to say about it - he'll be fine in a  while -just have to let him get on with it!!

than again -who hasn't got familes with issues!!!??

will keep you all posted

thanks xx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Sam,

The others have pretty much covered it, but I just wanted to say lots of luck and don't worry too much about your family issues. Like you said, we all have something like that. 
I was really worried about a particular family issue and thought it may cause a problem. In the end it was totally fine and caused us no bother at all, I wish I hadn't worried so much  .
They will most likely want you to talk through it at some point and will want to know how it came about, how you feel about it and how you are dealing with it etc. This will all be to find out if it could have any impact on a future child, and also to ensure that it hasn't had such an impact on you emotionally & psychologically that it could have an impact on your parenting ability/style.
In all honesty though they would most likely find it more odd to find someone with no family troubles at all and will appreciate your honesty in being so open about such matters.

Lots of luck,

Anj x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I had my initial visit a few weeks ago. It was pretty short, 45 mins. The sw was very friendly. The first question was what is it about this point in your life that has made you come to adoption? Another question was on our support network, which she said would be our weak point as we have no relatives close by and have not lived in the area long. She didn't look round the house. I was very nervous and she did comment on it but we got an invite on to the November prep group through a week later. I wish I had written a list of questions as I went a bit blank and could only think of one. Hope it goes well.


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## racheypache13 (Jan 8, 2011)

Hi, congratulations on things getting started for you, we too had to wait 7 months for an initial visit so great news!
Just wanted to say that my relationship with my dad broke down 7 years ago and when I told the social worker she was very interested in it at the initial meeting so they will prob ask all about your brother. I was very honest and I'm sure it will come up again when and if we start our home study. Just be prepared to tell them all about it. I told the social worker all about why our relationship had broken down and how it made me feel etc, she listened and then told us we were on a prep course!
I was really worried about it as I thought it might have an impact but it was fine, as you say, who hasn't got a tricky family member lurking somewhere!!  
Good luck
Rachel


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

Hello all

Just wanted to share our experiances of the first SW visit.

Strangely it was hubby who was absolutley pooing himself - i felt very calm .  of course did the mad housework clean & i changed from wearing slippers to shoes to socks!!!  bizarre.

SW was lovely - very friendly and started about asking us about our life - we both had to tell our life 'CV' in turn - and i thank previous poster (mmouse?) for suggesting to scribbling down dates etc-  -you'll need it if you have brain like mine!

she was here for 2 hours and it was very relaxed & friendly  - - what was very reassuring was that there was a real emphasis on taking our time & the process was a very 2 way thing -as much about a child wanting a home and us wanting a child in our home.

its funny the things you really stress about are not even an issue, i've mentioned before my brother not being that close in my life - wasn't even an issue.

it also showed me & hubby that we have a fantastic support network - we couldn't stop talkign about our friends n family and SW said that it really come across that we have no problems with a support network.

i'm thinking she is now writing up a huge report about us and then its some faceless manager who makes a decision if we are suitable going forward.....................................................

who knows..............now out of our hands, we will go with the flow on this - ivf treatment once it gets going is all rush rush rush - i don't feel like its like that with this process. we are happy to take our time.

sam


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## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Hi Sammi,

Sounds like it went well. Glad the dates thing helped  . If only I had done the same, I'm now thinking our report will be full of inconsistencies at one point I panicked and guessed years, but then later realised I was out by a couple! Ah well, I'm sure it can be corrected later.   am also panicking as I kept my slippers on!  

Did they give you an idea of how long you would need to wait before you hear back?  There's a prep group starting soon and we expressed our availability and keenness to get on it, so she suggested she would try and confirm that within a week or so? No news yet and I'm not sure whether to call and chase or be patient!

Good luck
X


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

Hey Sam,

Thats great news. LOL at your slippers, shoes, socks dliemma!  I always have my slippers on when SW comes round, but SW takes her shoes off and slouches on our couch so we're all obviously pretty comfortable!   

SW's understand that all families have fallings out at some time or another.  My two brothers haven't spoken for 6 years    but it is no reflection on us as prospective adopters!  

Hopefully you'll sail striaght into a Prep Course and then Home study... Good Luck
x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Sam,

I'm glad to hear it went well.  

I too laughed at the sock/slipper/shoe situation, as I too did that!
Isn't it funny how similar we all are before that first sw visit, and the things that go through our minds   
I remember thinking do slippers give the wrong impression? Then again shoes look wrong as I'm in my own home and not about to go out   
I think I opted for casual pump type things the first time and then just went with socks on later visits.  
I just found it so funny as I thought is was just an odd thing that went through my head, I'm glad there are other nutters out there too!   

Lots of luck,

Anj x


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## JayneC (Dec 5, 2009)

Hi Ladies


I am so glad I came on here today and to all of you for sharing your experiences - I hadn't even thought about the whole shoes/ slipper/sock thing!LOL!!  


But I have (sadly I know) booked the day off before our initial visit so I can do the whole - clean and tidy the house. Mother in law even said to bake some of my lovely cakes - bless her, but think that is more to do with trying to sell your house than impressing a SW!


Will definitely take note about notes and timelines - one of the info sessions we went to said about doing a chronology and rather impressively, DH was keen on starting doing these! I think I am holding back a little as we have initial visit then have to wait til Jan to find out if get accepted onto prep in March! Such a long winded process - but totally understand the need for it. Just my impatience of wanting to get on and do this!!


Thanks for sharing and fingers crossed will all go well!


     to you all


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

hey ladies

thanks for all messages -soo good to know we're now alone in this.

minmouse - the SW said poss about 3 weeks before we know if we are accepted onto prep course - this LA (essex) seems to do things a bit different as if we are accepted, will need to provide 4 names of references each and that is checked before we go on prep course and a medical before prep course.

so likely to be Jan / feb for the course - but again, that suits us fine -get xmas out of the way!

(am still thinking was i too casual with my fluffy socks on - when i thought about it after, must have looked a bit daft -nice jeans. nice top & big fluffy black n white socks!!!) hahah


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi guys,
Just wanted to add my good luck wishes to Sammi and the other ladies who are on their way. 
I had a wry wee chuckle at the tidying/appearance worries – in the early days I wouldn’t allow so much as a cushion to be out of place when the social worker was due. Now, well suffice to say our SW has seen me and my house at its worst (she’s even seen me in my PJ’s, complete with bed head!). She has also seen my wee girl (whom I said would NEVER be given junk food) covered in nutella  
D x


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

Daizy

that is fabulous!!!  LOl re Nutella (is it junk food -surely not!!!)

xx


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

Further update..

got a call from SW fri eve to say they are accepting us going forward.........

Since then tho -i have had real wobbles, about the process, thinking we won't have enough money if/when i go on adoption leave and so it goes on.

i keep thinking both me & hubby are getting to a really good place in our lives after 8 years of fertlilty treatment, 2 holidays booked for next year -just starting redecorating the house and having a second wind in our lives by going out & enjoying it now!!

But SW did say we have to have our references / medicals / crb checks before we go on prep course and not to rush this side of xmas (!) so i'm thinking take our time and take each process as it comes?.............

really don't know whether to feel excited -at the mo am just worried!

ta for reading..

xxx


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

Sammi, I'm sure most people on here can empathise with your emotions.  I've gone from nervous, to excited to down right freaking out at the thought of it.     

Great news that they've accepted you, and the Prep course will do exactly what it says on the tin!!!  It will prepare you to make an informed decision.  Whichever way that may be.

It isn't a decision to be taken lightly, but from what I understand most people find it rewarding if a little difficult at times.  Thats parenting in general isn't it  There are no guarantees with a birth child either.

Good luck


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi again Sam,

The mixed emotions are totally normal 

Myself and DH both discussed this quite a lot before we had Nemo, ie/the desire to be a Mummy/Daddy against not wanting to upset the apple cart as we were also very happy as just the 2 of us. We both came to the conclusion that by the time we reach our late 30's/early 40's (I was 38 when Nemo moved in and DH was 40) we have had so many years of only having to look after ourselves that in that respect it's a lot harder to adapt than in our early 20's (when a lot of us first started on our quest to become parents).

Yes it _was_ a HUGE shock to the system!  I would compare it to the tornado in The Wizard of Oz lifting up Dorothy's house, spinning it around for a while, and then setting it back down but not quite ever the same as it was before   
That said, we wouldn't change things for the world, we love Nemo to pieces and the tornado only lasted for about 2 months, a year on it's now more like a strong breeze with the occasional gust!  
I've just read all that back   and I just want to add, no I haven't had any wine  , but I think you'll get the point I was trying to make. 

What you're doing is huge, so totally normal emotions and nothing to worry about 

Luv Anj x x


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

Anj

that is such a fab analogy!  has made me LOL at work & received strange looks!

I think you're spot on & both me & hubby know we want our lives to change.

Bring on the tornado!!

& Mrs YG - - again spot on re the prep course, thats when i think we will know for definite.

Thanks ladies for being sooo supportive.

xxsamxx


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

Hello ladies

thougth i'd give a little update

received yesterday our ''pack'' - CRB checks / medical forms / references to be provided and it has kind of freaked me out (again...)

all of the above has to be completed & checked BEFORE the prep course - our LA have the view before they spend £1000's on us -they want to check us out first (makes sense i guess)

i keep thinking is this a knee jerk reaction?  -the next step after fertility treatment fails. 

i said to hubby last night that i can't accept not having my own child - but equally i can't accept a childless future - -oh god my head is a whirl wind at the moment.

so i'm thinking, lets fill out the forms & take from there -SW did say nothing would happen before xmas and i really want to attend the prep course as i think that will answer a lot of questions / doubts i have.

a bit of a waffle post.........................!!  

ta for reading

sam x


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Hey Sammij,
The emotion of it all is SO tough isn’t it – I really feel for you. 
For me, it took a good 4 or 5 years between stopping fertility treatment and deciding adoption was for me (my hubby had always wanted to look into adoption). I had lots of wobbles during the adoption process, but I never had any serious doubts (well, I really didn’t enjoy prep group – during prep was the closest I got to ‘doubts’). 
It’s such a big decision to make (and it’s not an easy process, when we started we never looked beyond approval – but in reality approval was only the beginning!), so perhaps you do need to give yourself more time to consider. 
I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever decision you come to.
D x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Hi Sammi

Just received my application form on Saturday. It took me some time to come to terms with not having my own child and I've only recently felt ready to move onto adoption. I'm nearly 43 and do wish I hadn't waited quite so long. Its actually 4 years since I had any treatment but having had a miscarriage in the past I guess I was still hoping for a miracle. It still very early days for you and hopefully by the time you progress to the prep group you will feel more ready. My prep group is later this month.

I've spent the day filling in 2 additional pages of both addresses (couldn't remember some of them) and employment history. Just got to get dh to fill in his bits and decide on references.


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

Sam I think it's a good idea to fill in the forms first (we had to too) and see how prep makes you feel. I think it depends on your age too. If you are younger then I think you can afford to take time out maybe. We talked for ages and each time we were tying ourselves up in knots we'd ask each other 'if you _had_ to make a decision today, what would you choose?' Every time we both answered adoption - even though I didn't think I knew what I wanted to do! Hearing positive stories from the girls on this site really helped me enormously too. Wishing you lots of luck. x


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