# What now for me and Hubby?



## LilyFlower.. (Sep 30, 2012)

Hi everyone,

We just had a BFN this week after our 5th ICSI cycle.  I'm just numb and can't believe this is happening to me.  I honestly thought after all this time I would have at least been pregnant but I haven't.

So, I just don't know what to do.  I feel like I've had enough and I have said to my husband this would be my final go but honestly I want to have our baby so much that I can't just stop.  I know he's going to hit the roof and I hate it as we only ever fall out about this one subject.  I don't think he'll want to try again either.  The financial strain will be just too much.  We've spent thousands already on this.

Would you guys give it another go or am I totally off my head to think this could ever be a possibility for us?


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## Lucy708 (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi. I think that whilever we need to carry on trying, we will. I don't want to regret not trying everything l can while l can. I don't think l could go through 5 cycles but everyone's limits are different. Only you know when you've had enough. Good luck in this difficult decision. I think we'll have one more go and then stop as we feel then we've done all we can.
X


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi if you feel you can handle another try go for it, i have done many many ivfs and tried all tests and donor eggs and now trying surrogacy, this is over 18 yrs, the urge to have a family is so overwhelming, its hardwired into our dna, its just so financially crippling , good luck with your future treatments
Rosebud


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## LilyFlower.. (Sep 30, 2012)

I must admit that even though I've had 5 IVF cycles I don't feel that every cycle was good.  Certainly the first and third cycle with my initial clinic was rubbish and infact I still think the clinic should have cancelled transfer as the egg on cycle one did not fertilise in the correct timeframe and the third cycle the egg was of poor quality.  So in my head, if you subtract 2 cycles I've only ever had 3 decent cycles.  

I think I'm now of the opinion that I still want my biological child however finances are now the problem.  I suppose I'll just have to save up like mad over the next year and hope I can try another cycle before my 40th birthday!


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## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

****pregnancy mentioned*****

My son was either the 6 or 7th embie I had transferred and I am now 6 weeks pregnant with either the 10th or 11th (or both!).  Personally I just knew I would keep going and going until it worked, I believe strongly in the science bit and I just knew one day the DRs would crack it.  But I could only keep going as my husband felt the same and there were no cracks appearing in our relationship, if he felt different or we felt under stress from it all then we would have re-thought it all.  Have you met with your clinic and demanded some real answers?  What do they say the chances of it working next time are?  What would they change in your protocol?  Just because it's failed before doesn't mean it won't work next time.

I wish you lots of luck in making your decision

X


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## LilyFlower.. (Sep 30, 2012)

Thanks ladies.

Vixter, that's great you've succeeded! 

No, we've not heard from the clinic yet.  It'll be a week or so and we'll get a letter and then we can have a review with the Consultant to see what he thinks.  I'm just so surprised that it hasn't worked yet.  We've spent a lot of money and still nothing to show for it.  I'm totally numb with it all really.  I so desperately want to have a child but the dream seems to be fading now as I don't think it's going to happen.  I thought I would have at least had a chemical pregnancy again but AF appeared two days before test date of 15dpo.

We initially were referred for IVF as my husband has sperm antibodies and now it seems as it's me that's the problem.  I honestly don't know what to do or what tests could I have, or what have I had?  I just have no idea anymore.  I just wish the outcome of this last IVF was the positive that we hoped so dearly for.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.  Life is so unfair at times.  

For me it just got too much and I gave up and walked away.  I couldn't handle it all anymore - it was just one thing after another that went wrong and I wasn't just doing the treatment, I was also doing full immunes treatment too.  Even though I did walk away from treatment, I didn't entirely give up on the idea of having a child (although I had accepted that it may never happen), I moved on to surrogacy. So I just wanted to say that there are alternatives.  For me I had to work out whether the important thing was carrying a child or having a child and actually, I was surprised to find it was the latter.  We get quite good quality embryos and so have a couple frozen but I was going to do a fresh cycle to provide fresh embryos for our surrogate.  In the end I didn't need to do it but I do know what it feels like to completely accept never having a family and walking away from the whole bloody mess.  It was important to me to try everything to be a mother before 40 and realistically, whether that was with someone else's help or not was not important, I just wanted my own child and through gestational surrogacy, that child would be 100% genetically mine and my husband's.  I had, however, accepted that even with a surrogate it may never happen and it really was our last ditch effort at it all.

The main thing is I do know what it feels like to walk away - and we'd spent around the £100k mark on it all.  For me I'd always said that when the thought of more treatment became scarier than the thought of being childless, I would give up.  For me it came to that.  I spoke to another lady at the time (who has since adopted) who said that it was similar for her - that she knew her journey would end either when she had a child, or when it became so horrible that she could no longer bear it.  When I did walk away, it was a huge relief.  I wasn't sad.  I was glad that I would never have to endure another round of treatment again.  I felt free.  I felt release.  I felt that I could finally focus on something other than the torture of treatment.  I could make a happy, positive life for myself with DH - go after my career, etc., etc.  Anyway, life being the contrary devil it is, it had different plans for me.  That's another issue though.  

Ultimately my point is that it doesn't sound like you have reached that stage yet.  Unless and until you are prepared to live child free, I would not consider giving up on treatment and unless you have fully accepted that you will never carry your own child, I wouldn't move on to surrogacy either.  I think you need to sit down with your DH (and perhaps a counsellor) and discuss calmly and rationally what you both want, then see if you can reach a compromise.   

In terms of the DNA antibodies, I would definitely speak to someone about it, perhaps Penny at Serum might be able to give you some ideas?


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## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

Lilyflower there very often is no logic in this crazy game.  I did a fresh cycle a couple of months ago, the DRs called it 'text book' everything was at the same values at it was when I had my son, we transferred two embies and neither took (in fact I also bled early).  Then just a month after we did a FET, I resigned myself to it not working after the fresh failed and then, well, it worked.  I have no idea why sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but I have been you, standing at the end of multi failed cycles and thinking I would never be a mum - its a horrible place and the only way forward is for you to plan your way forward.  MandyPandy gives some good advice.  I knew I would continue when a friend, also an IVer, said to me after a BFN ''well, I suppose that's the end of the road for you?'' and I was really, really mad at her because it was no where near the end of the road.  My reaction, being one of anger, made me realised I could keep going.  I hope you can get the strength you need to go again because I also agree that I don't think it's the end of the road for you.

Big hugs X


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## utb (Feb 2, 2010)

Lilyflower I remember saying that I wasnt going to be one of them ladies who had cycle after cycle and that if it didnt work after the third attempt I would give in here I am waiting on AF for me to start cycle number 8.  I just dont feel ready to stop I have had several moments where I have thought enough I cant keep doing this but then the overiding need for a child kicks back in. 

If you feel you can keep going and can afford to I would say go for it dont end up looking back thinking 'what if' or 'if only'.  Talk to your DH explain how you feel and take it from there my and my DH have had some really dark days but you need to get out how you feel and not bottle it up.

I must say that my positivity is at an all time low there seems to be a preganancy announcement weekly in my world and there are ladies on my original board who are going for baby number 2 I can help but think number 8 will end the same way as all the others but I still have to give it a go.

Good luck on whatever you decide but I have a feeling that you like me will just have to keep going.

x x x x


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi lily flower

Sorry to hear how hard your journey has been. I am currently on cycle 4 and know I am a long long long way from giving up trying if this one does not work.  We've spent just under £40,000.... About 10k per cycle and it's becoming a struggle but I know I will beg borrow and steal if I have to to keep going.  

Have you thought about changing clinics, looking abroad? Serum in Greece has very good reviews and something we might look at as it's cheaper than the lister!! 

Lots of luck to you, and everyone else on this horrible journey.  

Xxxxxx


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## LilyFlower.. (Sep 30, 2012)

Thanks for your replies ladies and long ones at that!

TBH I think my husband thinks that's it!  That was meant to be our last "go" at IVF and since last Wednesday we have not spoken at all about it.  Everything that I'm thinking and feeling he has no clue.  I need to speak with him I know, but I'm scared he'll say he's definitely had enough.  I just don't know how I'll feel about that or him if he comes away with that.

This is actually our second clinic we're already at.  We had three goes in Dundee, which were all crap! (I hate that place) and then we transferred to the GCRM which is in Glasgow last year for our fourth cycle.  We had three really good embies that cycle and we transferred two back on the fresh cycle and one became a blast which they froze for us and later we did a natural FET cycle.  Both these cycles I had a chemical pregnancy, so that's why I thought if anything this fifth cycle it would be the same or I'd be pregnant but our embies were not as good this last cycle.  I had 5 eggs all which fertilized which was amazing and on day two they were all perfect, so they decided to go for a day 5 transfer obviously hoping they'd go to blasto.  When it came to transfer day only one was even remotely decent and it was starting to compact.  Three had stopped dividing after day 3 and the other was a 9 cell which was too slow for day 5.

I'm now thinking that my embies don't like being out of me and we should have had at least 2 transferred on day 3, to try and give them a good chance.

Thank you for posting about your experiences, I just wish it was a lot easier than it actually is.

As to finances, we're all out of cash at the moment.  I suppose I'll just had to wait it out and see if we can get some cash together, as ultimately that's the deciding factor at present.  It doesn't matter how much I want to try, if we've not got the funds we just can't do it.


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## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

From experience I think it's good to have some cooling off time - not to approach the ''when can we go next'' while you are both still tender. Maybe with time he will realise he wants to keep going too.

In other news I am also Scottish, which I assume you are?  But I live in Brussels, thankfully, because IVF is free here.  I don't know how everyone manages with the added financial burden as well as all the heartache, you ladies are amazing, I hope your time will come X


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## utb (Feb 2, 2010)

Lilyflower I was petrified to talk to my DH for him to turn around and say no more I think he is only going along with this cycle as I said so we can at least we have explored every avenue.  You really need to talk as otherwise it will just eat away at you its scary when it is such a huge part of your life to either carry on with or close the door on but for your sanity you need some clarity.

Sending you lots of hugs.

x x x x


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## Guest (Aug 20, 2013)

Hi Lillyflower,
I am so sorry that tx has not worked for you, I completely understand how you are feeling.
When I had my first BFN, I just wanted to get onto the next asap!! My first cycle went really well, good amount of eggs and transfer went ok - I actually believed i was pregnant during 2ww and was planning plans. i was truely when i got the call the say bloods were negative.  Next cycle was the same, bu this time the hope demished inside.  At that point I knew for my own wellbeing and santity I couldnt keep going through this process.  I had to have that nail biting conversation about - whats next - it was quite hard.  I have one more cycle but hubby doesnt want anymore after that...So the closer we get to Decemember (when i start my last cycle) the more harder it gets ...Is this really it for us? I do think having that conversation is soo important, I was hoping that he would agree to one more private tx.  I think you both need to do whatever is best for emotionally and physically, if you have able to take break from it I would definitley recommend it....
Grieving does take a long time and jumping from one tx to the next when you are not  in the frame of mind is difficult...


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## LilyFlower.. (Sep 30, 2012)

So today after 1 week and 4 days I spoke to my husband and said that I want to continue.  I think he thought I was mad as he was like, how are you planning on doing this then?

We got our letter for our failed cycle from the clinic and they basically are saying they don't think we'll have any luck now with our OE and we should think about DE.  Very sad to read this in writing but ultimately I want to carry a child and give birth to it, so I think I could get my head around DE.  OH said we should find out more about it from our clinic.  So I'm relieved and it's lifted a huge burden from me at present.


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## Kobby76 (Jan 28, 2013)

Lilyflower. I'm pleased to read you and your DH have decided to look into DE, I pray this is where your happy future lays.

I too have just had the talk with DH regarding how much longer we'll try and when we'll say enough is enough. It may seem too early for most of you to understand why after only our second bfn we are already talking about giving up, but I know that I need serious time to get my head around this. We have decided that after four years of trying, after killing our sex life, after 3 failed iui's and 2 failed IVF/ICSI's that we are going to give ourselves one more year of having our life, holidays, work, food and alcohol intake ruled by having a baby. That realistically means two more attempts but I feel like I'm already grieving for my future. I am a nanny, I've raised 9 other people's children, I have 5 nieces and nephews I give my weekends up to see, I have a suitcase of baby stuff I've been collecting since I was 20 years old and now I have to face a future where I won't be a mum and I'm already crumbling. I wonder for the first time ever what would I do with myself? I never tried that hard in school cause I always wanted to be a stay at home mum, way to help the feminist front! And I certainly don't want to be a nanny forever, way too depressing! I always wanted kids more than a fella, until I met my fella! The first man I ever fell in love with and was lucky enough to marry, and our eggs and sperm hate each other   Thing is its because I love him and our life that I'm even considering giving up, I want us to continue to be happy and in love, and I worry that the IVF would take that away. So now when I think  of our future, I'm not unhappy as I see us together forever, I just don't know what my role is.........

Life isn't easy, I'm starting counselling next week to talk it through and I'm praying we get our little miracle before then but I need to be prepared x

I wish you all the luck in the world. Xxx


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## Maria00 (May 16, 2013)

LilyFlower, so sorry your treatments didn't work yet.   DE could be a good idea if both you and your husband agree. You would still be the biological mom of the baby.   Or maybe you can look into egg sharing? It would probably be cheaper.
Hope your dream will come true!


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## Maria00 (May 16, 2013)

P.S. = did you check if you have immune issues?


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## LilyFlower.. (Sep 30, 2012)

Hiya Maria,  

It looks as if my eggs are basically old.  In the lab they don't seem to continue after day 3 apart from one which was still a little slow.  I think as I've had 9 embryos now transferred, I've been told I'd have a better chance of having a baby if I used ED.  

I've now had some information through from the clinic which I need to digest and work out what if anything we wish to do.

Kobby, I really feel for you and understand totally how you feel.  Being a nanny must be a bit of a nightmare for you.  Looking after folks kids and not managing to have one of your own must be heartbreaking.  I'd certainly have to give that up.  But I also understand when  you say, what is my role without children.  That's how I feel.  What am I going to do with the rest of my life if I don't have a family to look after, although I've managed it this far and I'm coming up to 39!


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## Maria00 (May 16, 2013)

At my review I asked Dr Marco if there is a way to get more eggs (I only got 2, both fertilized and were put back, but one was top quality and the second a bit slow) and he said no; to get better quality, and he said no   - even if many other clinics say it's possible.  
He was honest saying that anyone over 35 (I am 38 this year) would have better chances with donor egg, especially in countries like Spain/Greece where the donors are usually in their 20s.   He said that the chances go up to 50/60%.


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