# Really struggling, can't believe it is over



## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi guys

Sorry but i'm feeling really lost and I have no idea where to post anymore. I've been offline for a while and still trying to convince myself that it is over   it is so hard to accept though and doesn't help that I still feel pregnant even though it has now been a week since my ERPC. Think I am really loosing it as I actually did a HPT yesterday which felt like a thousand knives going through my heart when it was flashing BFP after just 20 seconds   I have no idea how long it takes for hcg to get out of the system after a ERPC? It feels like i'm in a nightmare and I just need to wake up. I am back to work on Wednesday and totally dreading it as still feeling all over the place headwise and feeling very alone   

As I had a missed m/c I keep getting overwhelming feelings of guilt that I took the easy way out by having the ERPC and I let the hospital take my baby before he/she was ready to leave me     Life is so cruel and I feel so angry and resentful I am enduring this pain again   It is particulary hard because my best friend is also pg (just 12 days difference with our dates) so I feel so much pain when I see or speak to her yet as my bestest buddy I really need her comfort too - so impossible to deal with   I can't get my dates out of my head either and just can't stop thinking that boxing day I would have been 12 weeks. I usually love xmas but this year if I could cancel it I would!! Then I feel even worse because it is a time for celebrating life, friends and family and I am completely miserable   

At times I feel like I can't do this ttc journey anymore and I don't even know who I am anymore cause nothing else matters but i'm exhausted and at the same time unable to stop. I just feel completely lost  

I know that there are dedicated threads to post on when you have had a loss but I can't handle them and they leave me histerically crying unable to read let alone type and obviously I no longer belong on bumps and babies etc 

I know from passed experience that in time the pain will ease a little but when every cell in your body is broken with sadness it is hard to believe that I will ever get through this    Sorry to be so doom and gloom!!!!!!

Love FM XXXX


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

FM,

I had no idea this had happened (I've been kind of AWOL myself as you know) and I'm SO SO sorry to hear your sad news. As I know only too well, there simply aren't any words to help at this awful time. Sending you a massive  . 

Please don't think of the ERPC as an easy way out. It's never an easy decision to take and everyone has to do what feels right for them. For me it was definitely the right decision in that it enabled me to draw a line under the pregnancy and move forwards. But it's taken a long time and I'm not really there yet, in fact I probably never will be - this isn't something you just 'get over'. But pls pls don't feel guilty - an ERPC is hardly the easy way out....

I'm not even going to try and say anything else because I know it won't really help. You know yourself that you just have to hang in there and remember that these feelings will pass. It's OK to feel sad and angry and hurt and upset and all of those other feelings. Infact, you probably need to just let yourself feel them for now...

If you don't feel ready to go back to work, maybe ask your GP to sign you off for a little longer? Again, for me going back to work a week after ERPC was actually a good thing as it helped me to move forwards. But if you don't feel ready, and only you know how you feel, then don't go back too soon

My thoughts are with you, take care
Suitcase
x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Thanks guys, I know I will have to live with being a yoyo for a while   at times I feel numb/empty like I have nothing left and then other times I feel such intence emotional pain it is hard to breath but it does help that you are here so thanks


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Oh FM, it's so hard isn't it? 

I remember just crying all the time and not being able to stop. Like a truly physical thing - even when I wasn't aware of being sad/upset, I was crying. I had to pull over whilst driving several times as I was crying so much I couldn't see where I was going. And I thought at the time I would never be able to stop crying, but I did....I still have a few tears every now and then, but it gets easier...

We're all here for you, just let us know if there is anything we can do   

Suitcase
x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Thanks guys think I need to get a big box of extra large tissue    My fur babies are getting used to seeing me in floods and keep giving me extra cuddles which makes me cry even more   just can't win!! Pretty exhausted now  

Suitcase I PMd you hun  

  to all 

FM XX


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Oh Full Moon you poor soul  it is all still so raw with you, don't feel guilty about having an ERPC and your baby not leaving you, it may never have.  I bled a little bit but then it stopped and the baby was still there, and there can be problem and damage to your lining if you leave it there as well.  

Going back to work is hard, doesn't anyone know at work to confide in? If you don't feel ready then get you GP to sign you off there would be no problem I am sure.


thinking ahead doesn't meant that you don't love your baby any less, you will always be its mummy and have a special place in your heart, and you won't forget them and the feelings you have for it, it will always be your first pregnancy.

I lost my baby 2 years ago about the same stage as you, and I was told at 3 pm on the 4 th Dec this was the first year that I worked on a significant day, like the due date/birthday, day I was told it had died, and my ERPC day was 18th, and it has been a little easier this month - I kept looking at the clock and then someone came over to my desk to talk about finances! and when I next looked at the clock the time had past and it was time to go to a meeting.  My donor came over that night and we didn't really discuss it, we just mentioned it once or twice but I think it was helpful to have him there.  It is quite a lonely thing as nobody else seems to remember the days and it is so important to you.  I have a few friends who lit candles and say prayers.


The tears will come and how I noticed that I was getting stronger I would count the number of days since I hadn't cried.  I also started counselling about a year later and it may have helped.

Take care hun and be kind to yourself .

I also have a thing that we will meet our angel babies in heaven one day.
L x


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

FM, thinking of you  for you to have brighter times ahead. 
        fir everything you're going through sweetheart. 
Life can be so unbearably sad at times.   
Love Felix xx


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## dottiep (Nov 20, 2007)

Fullmoon - I can't take your pain away but you have had some good advice from those who can truly understand how you feel.  Pls know we are here for you.  Sending you   

Dottie
x


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Full Moon.....my heart goes out to you   .....I wish we had a big fat magic FF wand that we could use to make all the heartache go away.  I know you are so upset right now but I can still see your strength shining through and you will move forward..... we are all here for you   

..Winky


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

FM - I'm so sorry to hear your news - I know that nothing I can do or say will help matters at the moment.  Please be assured that my thoughts are with you and we're all here if and when you need us.
Take care,
R x x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

FM, so sorry that you are having a tough time. There is nothing that can be said or done to take your pain away. Take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal            

Thinking of you.....

Lou-Ann x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

I wish there was more that we could do but we are hear to listen and send you love and support when you need it.

xx


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi guys  

Thank you all so much for all the lovely messages of support they really do help even though most of the time I am reading them through floods of tears. It was my first day back at work today which was really hard to cope with as it feels like the next step of moving on and i'm not all together convinced that I am ready for that but as people keep saying to me 'life goes on' even though I feel like screaming everytime I hear that expression because to me it is a poinient reminder that life didn't go on for my baby   Still struggling because I'm still feeling quite pg. I did another hpt today hoping it would be BFN or at least a weak +ve but it was still a very strong +ve so I guess it explains why I am still an emotional yoyo. 

Work were ok but pulled me into the boardroom first thing and basically said that although they are supportive and sympathetic with what has happened they are also very busy and behind and if I'm not up to the job - something needs to be done about it (in other words I should leave) They have decided to extend my probationary period another month which I can kinda understand from their poit of view but for me I feel very insecure and worried financially what I will do if I do end up losing my job, especially as they only need to give me a weeks notice. I just keep telling myself only 2 more days till the weekend   so not enjoying anything in my life right now, I just can't break the chronic feeling of sadness  

I was saying to my friend today I don't feel myself at all and don't think I have been myself for a very long time - she agreed and said that she thinks that all the tx has just drained me. I was quite shocked by her comment I thought I had hidden it better. Sometimes I worry I will never be the same  but maybe its because I have just been through so much in the last 6/7 months. I have another batch of Gonal-F in my fridge and I keep seeing it when I get something it it gives me such a mix of feelings - can I keep on stabbing these needles into me? What if it doesn't work again? What if it does work and goes all wrong? Can I cope with a 3rd m/c? How can I keep all the appointments secret without having to lie to work about them? Will I be the same person I was? Should I stop and just try to be happy with what I have? Can I not be a mum?? - but dep down I know the answer to that one no way - so I have to carry on and the pain and rollercoaster just continues!!!

Love FM XX


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Oh FM sweetie, I was thinking about you today and I'm sorry it's been so tough going back to work. Seriously though I'm not sure they can 'threaten' you in that way - is there someone objective at work you can talk to - someone in HR perhaps? I know you probably don't feel like tackling this sort of thing right now but it does sound to me as if they are pretty much forcing you out when you have health problems which I'm pretty sure puts them on somewhat shaky ground - probation period or not....
Maybe post something on the legal thread here and see if anyone can help. Or PM Nat Gamble, the FF lawyer - don't think she specialises in work related issues but might still be able to help.

I so understand what you mean about not being yourself - this whole tx thing takes its toll, especially month after month. But you will get yourself back, I know you will...and we're all here for you....

I'm sure the people who tell you that life goes on are just trying to help - as unhelpful as it actually is...it's like the ones that keep telling me it's good because I know now I can get pregnant. Yes, thanks, but I want to actually be pregnant, not know that I can  
People don't know what to say and just want to try to help you feel better - and you will feel better, just give yourself plenty of time

you take care, you know where I am if you want to talk/text
Suitcase
x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi Suity

I work in HR so it is a bit difficult and being HR they know how to get round issues and find other 'excuses' to get rid of you or force you to resign which is what happened with my last job and I now don't trust any firm and resent the fact that it is a problem that I want to be a mum and feel guilty about wanting something that I have the right to have - but they don't like it because of 'work pressures!!' I dread to think what they would do if they found out I am actively trying to get pg as a single mum! Unfortunately we also have our own laws here and they are not as up to scratch as UK law although thinks are slowly improving and we are slowly getting there - I think some time next year it will be made law to provide maternity provision as it is still up to each company's discretion. 

I know that the comments people say are just them trying to say the right thing but it is hard - I have also had the 'At least you know you can get pg' comment so many times and from my doc, another common one 'It was meant to be, something was wrong with the baby' That really doesn't help either but I know its often people not knowing what to say.

Everywhere I look as well there seems to be pg women and tiny babies, every mag I pick up you can guarentee it falls open at a pg advert, if I switch channels on tv it often is again pg advert - maybe I am just super sensitive at the moment  

Just wish the pain would stop my heart feels broken   

Thanks hun
FM xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Gosh, sounds really tricky with the work stuff. Try to hang in there though - as hard as it is, having the job is probably better than not having it - at least you can fund more treatment....just try to take it day to day and you'll get there...

I think it's natural to be sensitive towards pregnant women and babies when you're ttc or have recently suffered a loss. It's because it's so much in your mind that you are more receptive to seeing these things. Not a good analogy but it's a bit like cars, I would never have noticed purple Corsas on the road, and then my sister bought one, and now I see purple Corsas everywhere.....actually that's a really bad example but I know what I mean even if noone else does  

I wish I had a solution to take away some of the pain but we both know there's no magic answer, just got to let time do its work. 

This is perhaps going to sound a bit odd, but a few weeks after the ERPC, I went to Tiffany (very extravagent and have never bought anything in there before) and bought myself a beautiful necklace kind of in memory of the loss. I wanted to mark it in some way and it's helped me move forwards because I've always got something to recognise the baby that might have been. I know some people plant trees or light candles or other things. Perhaps there is something you could do that would help you feel that you have honoured your loss and can start to move on? I don't know if this is helping or just making it worse so ignore me if it's all coming out wrong...

Right, I need to get to bed, I hope you have a better day at work tomorrow,
Suitcase
x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

JJ1 - I love the thought of one day in heaven we will meet our angel babies       life is so cruel that we have this in common and it makes me feel even sadder when I hear of another poor lady that has joined 'that club' and she will have to live with the pain - the pain that you never forget  

Nearly everynight recently I have dreamt of babies and hospitals some really horrible things too, they are so strong and real - does anyone else have this?? Maybe thats why I feel so tired all the time??

Love FM XX


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi Suity

The car was a great example so thanks, I know just what you mean. 

and great idea with the necklace you bought - I did think of buying something for myself but so far haven't found anything special enough - maybe i'm just not ready yet. 

Work I think I will just have to use as a means to live and fund tx - maybe one day I will find a job I will be happy in with less hours and stress.

On that note it is getting late so I am off to bed too 

Take care


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

FM - am so sorry I did not see this thread until now.  Nothing I can say can take away the pain you're feeling at the moment but if there was some way I could send you something positive to help you I would     You are facing enough difficulties without this nonsense from your employers.  I 've had a very difficult time myself in work especially this past year and i know how it can pull you down.  I have tried to disconnect myself from work as much as possible - doing enough to keep on top of things (just about) without wasting any of my energy ... its hard though ... hopefully you have some allies in work who can support you there.  (it sounds as though you would be wise not to share the choice mum aspect there, though).

Please take care, be gentle with yourself now and accept the support being offered to you.  The support may not change the pain but it can help you to cope with it at the moment.
With love
Maya


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

FM I hope that you are feeling better, Xmas isn't great time of year either. I try and divorce work and treatment but is hard as I am a nurse and manage a fertility clinic, NICU, paeds and gynae units in my remit, so have to discuss things but inside I can feel the pt's view in the services! and hope that I can put it into my work- without telling any of my colleagues of my story.

L


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Hi Fullmoon

I am so sorry to hear your news, I cant imagine how you are feeling but my thoughts are with you.

Re your drugs, I know when my 2 IVF's were abandoned I couldnt bear to see anything to do with ttc so I hid it all in a cupboard, it helped a little but I know my situation was very different to yours.

Take care honey    

Chowy xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

FM,

How have you been doing over the weekend? Hope you are keeping busy and have friends and family around to look after you. Have been thinking of you a lot and hope you are doing OK

Here's hoping next week at work is better than last week. Maya's advice was good - go in, do the job, but don't let it take over - easier said than done, but hope it works for you. At least it's nearly the Xmas holidays so hopefully a little less work pressure for a couple of weeks,

Take care,
Suitcase
x


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

FM I am so sorry to read what you are going through, be very gentle with yourself, take it just one day at a time xxx


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Full Moon - so sorry to hear what you are going through - thinking of you  

Some1

xx


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi guys

Sorry haven't been in touch for a while but I have managed to catch a chest, throat and ear infection   and feeling pretty rotton. I have only 2 days antibiotics left and I am still feeling pretty awful so it looks like I will need another course. I guess with what my body has been through recently I must be really run down. I have started taking vit c with zinc and also echinacea but I guess it takes a while to build back up and it doesn't help that I can't stay at home resting - I darent have anymore time off work so for now I just keep reminding myself that it is a short week next week and hopefully less stressful and busy at work.

Also not sure if AF is arriving already   - I find it hard to believe it is as its only been 11 days since the ERPC and with my last m/c AF took 6 weeks to arrive but for the last 3 days I have had occasional mild cramping with old bleeding mainly spotting, so really not sure what that is about I have done another HPT and it is finally BFN so at least my HCG must be very low to nil. My (.)(.) still look pg though if you know what I mean?? Maybe they have changed for good or will take a long time to look back to normal as they are the most significant and early pg symptom i've had and I guess it is my 2nd m/c in 5 months  

Suity - I finally found that thing I wanted to buy - a lovely watch with a design of hidden hearts - kinda felt the design was appropriate too and of course I liked it, as soon as I saw it I knew that would be it, the thing I want to buy. I have ordered on the web so I am hoping it is as special as I think it is when it arrives. I know it sound wierd but I am almost nervous for when the package arrives as I am sure it will bring a flood of emotions with it even though I want it - if you get what I mean. I suppose it will be mix of feelings happy because I love it so much as it is special gift to myself but sad for the significance of it  

I am getting better slowly I think, I still have pangs where I can bearly hold back the tears or even believe that it is over again. I find it especially hard when people wish me a good Xmas & 2009 and all I can think about is the fact that it is unlikely I will meet my baby in 2009 now   so I guess I have to try my best with concentrating with conceiving my next baby in 2009  

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages, you are all so lovely, I often wish I could meet you all in person and actually give you all a real hug but for now we will make do with the colourful ones    

Love FM XXX


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Big   - as if you haven't got enough to deal with without having chest/throat infection too. Hope you manage to get through the week at work OK....

Does seem odd that AF would arrive so soon, if it gets heavier, probably worth checking back in with the hospital to make sure all is OK. I got my first AF 4 weeks to the day after the ERPC, they advised me it would be anywhere from 4-6 weeks...don't want to scare you but best to rule out any infection etc if the symptoms persist.

Know what you mean exactly re (.) (.) Mine were never small to begin with but went up from 36C to 36E and have still not really gone down nearly 3 months later. Guess it takes some time....

I'm so glad you found the watch, sounds perfect. I know what you mean about the emotions, I was the same with the necklace, but now I like wearing it, it feels like a tribute to everything I've been through and although it makes me sad in a way, I also feel like it's a necessary part of living with what happened and coming to terms with it slowly...

I'm sure we'll get to meet in person one day (I for one quite fancy a trip to the Channel Isles! Went to Jersey years ago for my mum's 50th (she's 69 next year so that shows how long ago it was!) and really enjoyed it...

You take care, feel better soon, and remember we're all here when you need us
Suitcase
x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi guys

Sorry so long no speak too but still feeling quite poorly   currently on my second course of antibiotics and  now getting there slowly even though at least 4 times a day I am reaching for my inhaler so that I can breath!! Hope you are all ok and managing to stear clear of the numerous bugs that seem to be going round. I saw my doctor again last Friday and she gave me a massive lecture on how much my body has been through lately (like I need a reminder  ) and that I need to to be at home in bed resting with family and friends taking care of me!?!? Which is simply impossible for me right now so I am dragging myself to work and then collapsing when I get home not really managing to do much else. It has been a long time since I have felt this poorly and for so long   I guess my body is just recovering. 

After the few days spotting I had recently it has not progressed into anything so I am still waiting for AF but I know I am being impatient as the ERPC was only 3 weeks ago   I just feel I need to do something, even though the thought of TTC again scares me. I think I need to go on so that I don't loose my nerve - if that is the right expression   

Still struggling with the 'not feeling myself anymore' feeling - but I guess I am not myself. I still cry at the easiest of triggers and have so many ongoing conflicts going on in my head that at times I long for my brain just to switch off and leave me be for a while.

Work is going ok but still at times is very difficult and it doesn't help that I seem to have lost all my confidence. I know that I can do the job but when I am doing I just feel that i'm not good enough   I just can't tell anymore. My friends think I am being too hard on myself as I  have only been there a month so I am still learning the job, but I feel sooo slow  

My hidden hearts watch arrived today, it looks good and I am pleased I got it    Suity it would be great to meet you here in little old Jersey ( and other FF)  

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXX     to all


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi FM,

 - hope you are feeling better soon. Your doctor is right, although lecturing you hardly helps! But you do need to get some proper rest. When do you finish work for Christmas? Hopefully you are taking a good couple of weeks off over the holiday season?

If you've only been in the job a month then you can't expect to be totally up to speed yet. I always tell new starters not to expect too much at all for the first 3 months and to only really expect to feel fully settled after 6 months. So give yourself time. You're dealing with so many things at the moment that it's no wonder you've lost a bit of confidence at work too. Most important is not to be too hard on yourself. This will pass, as all things do, but you do need to give yourself the time and space to let it. 

Do take care, hope you have friends and family to look after you over Xmas,
Suitcase
x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Thanks hun, I wish I was off work over xmas but I am not allowed to take holidays in my probation so I will have to wait until March. I finish at 1:00 christmas eve and then don't go back till Monday after xmas so at least it is a short week   then will get the Thursday off for new year. I do hope that I feel better by the weekend though. I keep worryong about all the drugs I have been taking lately. I have gone from taking nothing including no caffine to potent antibiotics, steroids and numerous doses of painkillers!!! 

Hope you are getting an xmas break??

Anyway really late - must try and sleep now or its even worse getting up in the morning for work

Big hugs 

FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hiya

Feeling a little better today although I still need to take inhalers numerous times a day   I really hope that all that has happened recently hasn't left me a chronic asthmatic. I used to suffer but for the last 4 years or so I have rarely had to resort to taking inhalers as I was determined to wean myself off but looks like I will be dependant again - for a while at least. I don't think they are meds that can effect TTC. 

Decided today - don't know how or why but I need to try again and as soon as possible!!! I can't wait for 2009, I really need to do something so now just waiting for AF   been 3 weeks today since ERPC so hopefully not too long to wait.

Should have been 12 weeks this week     so hoping once this week is over my brain will STOP COUNTING THE MILESTONES!!!

Happy Xmas to all    and thanks again for all your lovely messages

Love FM XXXXXXX


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

big   Full Moon, so pleased that you have found the strength to carry on. Hope AF arrives soon so you can get going.

xxx


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Hi Honey

You try and get as much rest as you can over Christmas, I know its only a short break but at least its something.  I cant begin to know how you are feeling, but im glad you feel that you have support here with all of your friends.

I was only in Jersey in Sep/Oct for a hol with my Mum as I didnt want to fly.  The fast ferry was awful and even staff were being sick.  We spent most of our time sat on the toilet floor with our heads in sick bags.  The journey back was better but feel we spent a week dreading the return ferry.  We had lovely weather, lovely food and great hotel.  We stayed at Somerville Hotel in St Aubin and had a lovely time.

You take good care.

Chowy


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi FM - take care and hope the asthma gets under control soon.
That's brilliant news that you've decided to take the next step - we're all with you, take care x x x x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi guys

Thank goodness I finally feel over the worst and have only had to use my inhaler a couple of times today  

Chowy - great that you had a good time in Jersey even though you had to endure a rought boat ride - sounds hideous!!! I hate boats just looking at them can make me feel sick so I tend to avoid at all costs   if you fancy coming over again let me know and I wil give you a guided tour  

Merry Christmas to all

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXX


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