# ********/smugbook



## waterlily01

Hey ladies, 

This week i have had an invitation to a baby shower, 2 scan pics, and numerous baby photos posted on ********. Just a typical week. Each time its so painful. Starting to think maybe I'd be better off not going on ******** anymore.

In real life my friends and acquaintances are considerate and sensitive to how i feel about their pregnancies and babies but when it comes to ******** its another matter entirely.  

Was wondering how other people cope with this. Like infertility isn't hard enough!?

x


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## irishflower

DEactivated my account a few months ago (and I was a serious user!) and haven't looked back! It felt quite liberating to take control of something that was now upsetting me more and more frequently. Thought I'd really miss it but really haven't too much and now when I take a sneaky peek at my hubbie's account, I'm reminded of all the things I had started to hate about it.

So good luck if you do decide to come off! With deactivating your account you can always make it a temporary thing and return to where you left off if that's what you want!

K


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## waterlily01

Thanks Irishflower, 
didn't know whether its just me becoming more of a hermit and whether it was a further withdrawl from normal life. Looks like you and i have been on this journey for a similar amount of time. its hard to know whether I'm just being over sensitive and would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.
Plus i too am a heavy user! 
didn't realise you can deactivate temp and come back later. think i will try that. 
how you doing with your referral?
x


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## Honor77

Hi *waterlily01*,

Deactivating ** does seems a bit like withdrawing even further from "normal life" when _everyone_ is on it. What I came to realise though was that it was indeed turning into "smugbook", as you called it in your title, and in the end part of me was "do I really want any part of that?", but mainly my decision to leave ** was down to an act of self-preservation (the scan pics etc. were upsetting me far too much and I really didn't need that extra upset and reminder of what I was missing out on ) and the realisation that although I obviously knew and liked all my ** friends, at the end of the day, you only need the friends you really keep in touch with and who in turn make the effort to keep in touch with you.

So, I took the big step of deactivating my account (and yes, you can deactivate temporarily; I sometimes reactivate for a bit of a nose around, but then deactivate again immediately, without posting anything) and then e-mailed everyone in my e-mail address book (which was not all my ** friends) to explain that I'd decided to leave ** because I was spending too much time on it and had found that I wasn't even properly in contact with a lot of friends on there. I've since found that quite a few of my friends have also left ** for similar reasons, so think it's starting to generally lose its appeal.

And, most importantly, I found that I didn't even miss it when I deactivated it and was less stressed out !

I've since gone on to get my BFP, for which I am eternally grateful. I haven't though announced it to the world via **, just those friends I now know are "proper" friends, which makes it feel much more special than flashing scan pics around the World Wide Web . I love our scan pics, but personally can't see why anyone else would be interested in them, and can't understand why people feel the need to post theirs for all and sundry to see.

Go for it: you'll be much happier, and have more time to spend on FF !

xxx


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## beckalouise

Hi waterlily, I also deactivated my account whilst we were on the nhs waiting list for icsi.  I found myself spending hours looking at friends profiles who had recently got marriaged and trying to guess if they were pregnant so I could psych myself up for the enviable phone call   The final straw was when I'd posted 'yippee on holiday count down, 5 days to go' within 5mins my SIL was on the phone to DH going mad as she had seen my status and that meant we were in holiday when her baby was due!! This is the SIL who was one of the very few to know our problems and hadn't seen or spoke to her for 6 months as there was a big family fallout about our reaction her pregnancy!! So 10mins after that phone call we both deactivated our accounts and can say I've never looked back!! ******** is fine when your life is cushy, bragging about all the happy things going on but other wise I think it sucks!!


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## Shoegirl10

I deactivated my ** account around 7 months ago and havent looked back since not because of the pregnancy announcements more because I dont care if people " are doing the washing up" etc... also I dont find pcitures of babies covered in food particularly cute or funny!! 
I found it was a way for people to boast about things and maybe make out they had lots of friends and an amazing social life!

Once I realised that all these people did was upi date their ** status all the time you have to ask your self "why are they doing this"?

Seriously decativate your account
xx


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## irishflower

Hi again waterlily. Yes, if you deactivate but later decide to come back everything will be just as you left it with regards to your friends, likes etc

with regards to my referral I have our first private consultation on Tuesday so will hopefully know more then about where we go from here! GReat that you've finally been referred! X


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## sh13

yeh thats wht i did deactivated my account and when its activated i avoid it- though lots of ppl in my family and friends have a problem with my not being on ********- i just tell them that who matter to me and who care i don't see why i need to be in touch with them on ********- i rather do it the old fashioned way. just refuse to have my life being dominated by ********- already enough things to worry abt, than other ppl status also adding to it... for me its not worth it.


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## waterlily01

Thanks everyone! am going to try a trial deactivation. Just hope I'm not going to miss out on too much.  but then my close friends have my phone number! I know, how archaic! actually phoning people!  lol

lets see how it goes.
x


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## Shoegirl10

Trust me you wont miss out on anything!
If your friends want to contact you they can email or call you 

XX


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## aubergine07

I found that I could handle the pics / comments from one or two people, but not others, so have blocked their status updates from my news feed.  That way I'm not reminded on a daily basis.  If the temporary de-activation doesn't work, and you do miss it, could try that?  For some people though, I guess that would mean blocking nearly every friend!

Hello Beckalouise


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## beckalouise

Hi aubergine


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## kiteflyer

Hi waterlily you could just block people from appearing on you news feed I know I have  . Also I put people in groups so I can just post to certain people I don't want to share everything with everyone, like people with their baby pics and updates do


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## VicI

Hi I totally understand the ******** problem and because of this last year I set up a second ** account (I had to create a second hotmail email address to do this but I never use the email address.) Anyway on this second account I dont have any family at all, I have no in-laws at all and more importantly I have NO friends or people that have children and as soon as someone gets pregnant the are deleted! As I have 2 accounts they are still friends with me on my main account so I'm not sure they even notice they have been deleted as they will still get updates on there.

Now if I am ever having a bad day or week I just retreat to my second account where there are no constant reminders of what I can't do. It is the best thing I ever did as like most people I am a bit of a ** addict so I can still go on without the reminders!

xxx


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## Nosilab

Hi Waterlily

Hmm good ol' Smugbook!! It's been a bit of a hot topic on here lately with various views on it, but I have to say the overriding opinion seems to be that that it causes too much upset. After a long hard think about it, I finally decided to deactivate my account just before New Year (after my failed tx). I was really worried and nervous about it (sounds crazy saying that now!), like you I was worried about missing out on loads of stuff and losing contact with people, but I have to say I haven't missed it one little bit! My DH still has his account so I always know that if I need a quick sneaky peek I can log into his, or as others have said I can temporarily reactivate my own account. Saying that, so far I haven't felt the need. The friends that I need to keep in contact with me either call, text or email. Also, as Honor77 says, it frees up more of your time to be able to come on to FF instead with people who _really _ understand. Also, like beckalouise said, I was constantly analysing photos of friends who had just got married etc to see if I could tell when the 'baby announcement' might be....it was just too much for me so it had to be 'bye bye ********' xx


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## mb2512cat

I'm another ** deactivator. 

It got to the stage where it was nothing but scan pics, baby pics, profile pics changed to the baby, comments such as 'just had the 20wk scan, now going out to bulk-buy nappies!'  . Screening various people out wasn't enough. I didn't use it that much anyway (though I did put up tasteful pics of our last (deceased) baby, but in the end I just had it  . Pleased I left!!


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## Nosilab

Oh mb2512cat, what an absolutely devastating and heartbreaking journey you've been on    I am not surprised one little bit that Smugbook got too much for you.  It's funny really isn't it, just how many of us have deactivated for all the same reasons - people just don't get it!  I was going to say we should all set up our own social network now that we've left **, but actually we have it already - it's Fertility Friends!


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## waterlily01

Yeah, didn't realise that it was affecting so many people. 
Going cold turkey on ** didn't last long. Think blocking people from my news fed might be the way to go . 
Think Nosilab his a point. should spend more time talking to you ladies! 
Thanks everyone for your replies. x


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## Luv one

Hello I was suprised to see so many people thinking the same thing. I didnt realise how much this affected me but last night one of my husbands friend who just got married two months ago posted a scan with comments about her due date in Nov. I just couldnt believe she got pregnant so quickly, it seems as if everyone we know has a child or is pregnant and funny thing is we started way before all of them. Then to make matters worst a girl that used to work at my place of work decide to pop in to show off her baby. Two days ago another work colleague rang to say she was pregnant. I told my hubby and he too said how annoying it was with everyone getting pregnant before us and they are not even trying. So I totally understand how you feel. I burst into tears last night when I saw her scan on ******** and all the other friends who keep posting baby photos. I know I should be happy for them and I try to be but cant help feeling jealous!!! that green eyed monster  but got to stay positive our time will come...I hope!  Good luck with your treatment x


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## Billybeans

Hi Ladies,
I went through a period of not wanting to go on ******** too, Lots of my friends both work and old school friends are all getting pregnant now and it is so heartbreaking and frustrating to see people get pregnant so easily, pregnancy is so rife within my friend network at the minute, I feel like I have been left behind, most of my friends have just had/having their 2nd child whilst I am still waiting and because their children are the same ages as their other friends children, I feel like I have less and less things in common with my friends now! My friends are there for me (to some degree) if I contact them but tbh no-one really stops to think about how I must feel, their lives are consumed with their own thoughts and concerns. I went off ******** for about 2mths after my 2nd miscarriage, I hit rock bottom then and couldn't cope with status updates/baby pics/scan pics and such like. I didn't really tell anyone I had deactivated my account and thought that some of my closer friends (who I don't really see) would notice and get in touch to see if I was ok but they didn't so to some degree I felt a bit lonely so ended up going back on. I am just fed up of me trying to stay in touch with people and others not really caring about me. A girl I know said to me once, everyone is so caught up in their own lives that they forget about other people and that I feel is so true. I always think about my friends and wonder if they are ok, I txt/email and try my best to stay in touch but the favour is never repaid ~ sad really! I may think about coming off ** again because it can get to the point that it consumes your life and you end up forgetting about what is important.


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## Nosilab

Hi Shining Star

I know how you feel about being the one making all the effort to stay in contact, I'm like you, no matter what is happening in my life (or not at the case may be!) I always try to remember others by dropping them a little text, email or card etc. In the past (with certain friends) I've always been the one to do this and hasn't always been repaid, and it leaves you feeling "why did I bother!". Especially at this time in our lives when we need to put so much emotional energy into ttc, I think sometimes you have to make the harsh and difficult decision to take a back step with those friends, I know I have. There is only so much energy I can put into some friendships at the mo, I know I can't spread myself much thinner - emotionally. A while ago I found 2 quotes that I really liked, so I wrote them down (and keep them on my phone) - _"sometimes we waste too much time thinking about someone else who doesn't think about us for a second"_ (how true!), and _"When we're constantly wishing for something we overlook everything we already have" _


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## Han2275

Hiya, I hope you don't mind me posting, but I too deactivated my ******** account when we were TTC DS2. Everytime we got a BFN, I found myself getting more and more obsessed with people announcing their pregnancies. I had one particular old school friend whose son was the same age as DS1. I knew she was TTC again and I was just waiting for the scan picture to be posted! Of course there it was, just after we had got our BFN from our first IVF cycle. I could physically feel my heart start to race with envy  . Noone knew DP have been having DI and IVF cycles for over a year and it just felt like everyone else was pregnant except us. Another school friend then announced she was 5 months pregnant with #3 but after messaging her through ******** I discovered she had had 4 miscarriages before this pregnancy so I guess you never really know what other couples are going through  . Personally I hate seeing scan pictures on ********. I just think they are such a personal thing. I am on ******** now and I find it great to keep in touch with everyone since moving to Ireland in january. BUT I think you have to take ******** for what it is, a snippet of our lives that we choose to show people. I don't upload pictures of myself looking ugly  , or the kids having a tantrum. Like everyone else, I choose to show the nice bits of my life. My eldest sister is also no longer on ******** as her DS has growth problems that she is trying very hard to come  to terms with. She found herself comparing all her ******** friends' kids with her DS and increasing her anxiety. I think you just have to do what is best for you and let's face it, the real friends in our lives will always pick up the phone  .


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## irishflower

WHen I deactivated mine months ago, yes I've lost touch with the hundred or so 'friends' who I wasn't close to anyway, but I'm blessed to have a close circle of friends who have all made sure to regularly text/email etc to check how I'm doing, when my next appointment is etc.

THose who don't bother aren't worth your energy so I would just concentrate on the true friends in your life!


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## Fraggles

Hi I understand how you feel. I very luckily got my BFP and gave birth in December it was only a couple of weeks ago that some friends I don't see that much found out I had a son and said they must have missed the announcement. The reason they didn't see it was that I didn't announce it on **, don't put pictures of him on it and only now there may be a few comments about little one. I know some friends found it really painful when all they would see were scan pictures or baby announcements so I was trying to be more sensitive and a friend who was due near to my edd had a m/c. 
Beckalouise really please give me a break why do you need to be here when sil has her baby. My mum was going to go on holiday at the time of my little one's birth and I told her to go (she didn't) but quite frankly she wasn't the one giving birth I didn't see why her plans should change for me. And I am very close to my mum.
Hugs Waterlily. xxxx(((()))))


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## Billybeans

Hi Ladies, You are all very right and it's true, being pregnant and giving birth are all very personal things and if I was ever to be so lucky to progress to 2nd trimester I would never post my scan pic on ********.
I have in actual fact deactivated my ** since last posting here, another scan picture being posted just tipped me over the edge. Enough's enough! I also think it is true that everyone posts and comments about the good things in life but not always the bad. It is wrong of me to judge and ** doesn't give the full story of someones life but I just can't help it, they have what I don't seem to be able to have so it's just pure jealousy. I am ashamed of it but I just can't stop myself feeling that way so thought it best to take a step back from the ** network for a while until I can handle other peoples good news without feeling sick with envy.


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## Fraggles

Oh Shining Star there is absolutely no need to be ashamed of feeling jealous honey life is a woman (think autocorrect changed this word which was original the equivalent of a female dog) and the tx journey is so exhausting mentally and physically and when you see all and sundry (or so it seems) got that flipping BFP it feels like the whole world is sticking two fingers up and scan pictures just seem to be rubbing your face in it. I am sending hugs and love to all of you who have posted on here and wishing your miracles will happen. Lots of love xxxx


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## Nosilab

Very well said *Fraggles * - I couldn't have put it better myself. *Shining Star*, I completely agree with Fraggles, there is absolutely no need to feel ashamed, that is exactly the reason I had to deactivate, it was causing me to feel sick with envy everytime I looked as it seemed everyone else was getting what I dreamed of, and they seemed to be getting so very easily. I think you've definitely made the right decision to close your account, there's no point putting yourself through the heartache when you're already feeling low, it just won't help. Hugs  xx


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