# Terrified even being here!



## Greeneyed (Apr 12, 2006)

Hello ladies. My first post on FF for a long time. stayed clear of the boards after birth of little one as wanted to leave IF behind me, it almost sent me over the edge and was a blackhole I didn't want to peer over again.  I've run out of excuses for not wanting another and the reality is I do (well I think I do  )but I am just too terrified to re enter this world of IF. It's been lovely being "normal" for a while - re-engaging with friends and our social life, not falling apart at every gathering or occasion, not resenting the world around me etc etc I could go on but you all know. A friend announced she was pregnant at a dinner party the other day and I felt myself sink and want to run away again, in truth I'm just really scared, we can't afford treatment and so will have to try naturally, not much chance of that happening as it never did before and I was younger then.  I keep saying what will be will be but I'm not convinced I really mean it - it seems easier to just not try and be happy with our lot but then I feel owe it to our little one to at least try for a sibbling and that I'm being selfish. 


I'm not actually even 100 % convinced I even want another one, i had a very difficult pregnancy and birth, not that that is a huge influencing factor but  I struggled with SPD for almost a year after lo was born so I'll be pretty immobile for quite a while and lo has just started sleeping through at 2! so we're pretty exhausted and wondering if we could get through it all again. Sorry i haven't really got to a point of any description  just rambling getting my thoughts down for the first time but even talking about it and being on FF fills me with dread! lots of love grreneeyd xx


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## sleepypenguin (Jan 1, 2009)

Welcome back Greeneyed How many of us have uttered  the words 'if I could have one child I would be happy' and still we find ourselves being pulled back. Re the SPD I have had that this time round but so many people have told me how they had it first time but not with their second so please don't let it put you off.

Make sure you are having another one for you LO won't know any different I have lots of mummy friends only having 1 due to age/circumstances etc.

This section is great as you can talk freely without worrying about mentioning your LO.

Good luck with TTC and dealing with your LO at the same time.

x


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## Greeneyed (Apr 12, 2006)

Thank you for your reply sleepy penguin and congrats on your pregnancy. I'm not going to make any rush decisions, my sister has just had a baby and holding her newborn has stirred lots of things up in me (but don't they make everyone broody) and there is the ongoing guilt of my little boy having no one to play with! i've been looking into the cost of treatment today but I really really don't think I want to go there. I don't think I can face the disapointment every month, the jealousy and bitterness, isolation etc that ttc brings, I just really don't think i can do it when our lives are just getting back on track.    but I'm scared that i'll look back and regret not giving it a try and time is not on my side. Will I look back in a few years time and think why didn't I go for a few years of struggle for everything a new child would bring,


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## sanfrancisco (May 15, 2010)

Greeneyed-Go for it!As you can see we are ttc no2 and my age is against me now.My theory is that you could regret in time not ttc no2,whilst you would never regret having a no 2(not until their teens anyway)We are giving it our best shot,it is stressfull yes,expensive yes,time consuming yes,but it is the only thing keeping me going at the moment,I am desperate for a sibling for my ds.I just knew I would regret not trying for no 2 ,if it does'nt happen at least I have given it my best shot and will hopefully be able to move on.Good luck,you never know you might get lucky,a lot on here do! xx


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## Ro1 (Jul 8, 2009)

I can so relate to this topic of discussion - Had DD in 2010 and never even thought we would be considering a No.2! It was so amazing having brought a new life into the world, me and DP couldn't believe our luck and we are sooo enjoying being Mummy and Daddy.  Nearly everyone has asked us 'when's no.2 coming - can't just have one you know', it kind of plays on my mind that if we don't even try (went back on the pill for 1 year as had to have emergency c-section) we will never know if we could have a sibling for DD.  It just seems such a big step in saying to myself, yep I'm trying again - I am soo scared of going back to the dark places I went to before when we were trying for No.1.  

Neither of us are getting any younger though, so it kind of feels like we 'have to get on with it', but that just adds to the feeling that I could find myself under pressure again and start of the whole vicious cycle again.  I was also told I would have to have another c-section, as DD was stuck, forceps didn't work, so had to get the works.  It all got a bit scary at the birth, I lost a lot of blood and felt truly awful with severe anemia - so that kind of put me off the thought of trying again (for a while anyway....).  My Mum keeps referrring to DD as an 'only child', as told her when she was putting a lot of pressure on me to try again, that I didn't think we would go for a sibling after the pain of not conceiving - I think she is doing it to rile me abit, (it's working).  

Oh it's good to be able to get a few of these things off my chest with people who who I know will understand, as they have been there.  I think I'm going to stop taking the pill and try just go with the flow and let fate decide.  We had diagnosis of unexplained and IUI worked for us, so maybe we will be lucky/or maybe not - don't want to get hopes up.  I was clearing out some of DD's toys and clothes that she has grown out of now she's just over a year old, and was thinking I should give them away, but could'nt so put them in the loft, much to DP's annoyance......

Wishing you all positive energy for whatever journey is next coming along.....


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## Greeneyed (Apr 12, 2006)

Ro1 sorry I didn't reply, I ran away again to stick my head in the sand and didn't revisit the boards. I have just seen your post, sounds as though you are in the same place. We have started flogging our baby stuff on ebay and giving it away but I'm still not sure it's the right thing - enquiring about the cost of treatment again today......


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Greeneyed,

I understand totally how you feel.  After DS me and DH both said how lucky we were to have him and that we wouldn't do a fresh cycle of IVF again and you will see from my signature that we are about to give it another shot.

We are only doing it as my Dad has very kindly offered to pay for it.  However this and any frozen embryo's will be our last shot.

Our loft seriously looks like a nursery and a toy shop, but no way am I getting rid of it yet!  

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Stacey
x


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

I could of wriTten your post. My sil announced her pregnancy when my Dd was 6 weeks old and I was so shocked to feel jealous! This stirred up a lot of feelings which shocked me and then I decided that maybe one day we would have more treatment but dh would need talking around and I did talk him around only to then back off completely as I'm enjoying dd and life without tx yet said sil is now planning baby 2 and I'm already jealous knowing she has the choice. Also someone a recently met said something about only children which made me think and last night I had a melt down knowing I would never be pg again! Thankfully it was short lived and I feel better today.

I still have no idea whether we will or won't have tx but for know its not an option


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## Greeneyed (Apr 12, 2006)

thanks for your replies ladies. I'm wondering whether to go to the GP for a referral just to get work up done (i know we'd have to pay for IVF but clinic said GP may refer to nhs for investigations again i.e. blood tests SA etc.) I'd be interested to know what my hormone levels are three years on, may influence whether I think about trying for number two but then I guess you are on the road again and it would be difficult to turn back.....


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

Go see your gp, mine has agreed to do all blood tests prior to ivf yet I'm not having any done hehe as its a total waste unless we are wanting to cycle and atm I can't, don't want too. Oh wouldn't it be easy if it were all natural 

I have been referred for a scan as I'm having period issues


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## Greeneyed (Apr 12, 2006)

Thanks Kara, that's helpful, i hope your scan is okay x


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## fenneygirl (Jun 21, 2008)

I have just came back on tonight also and everything what you have written is how I am feeling, We can not afford to try again really but I feel like my head is already getting twisted and I want it so much. WHY cant I be happy to have my daughter!!! What is wrong with me? some people are still trying to get that one beautiful baby they have dreamed of and I have that but now I want more.

My husband suggested adoption, but I really dont think its for me, b4 I had my daughter I would have considered it but its so different now.

I hate feeling like this :O(


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## fenneygirl (Jun 21, 2008)

After writing my last post over have found out I'm preg naturally!!!!!! Don't give up hope ladies I'm am one shocked lady and scared at the mo xxx


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## sleepypenguin (Jan 1, 2009)

Congratulations wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy x


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