# It's a bad time when hope just won't take the hint and leave...



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Well I know I look younger than I am and I know that women my age do have children or at least do try to have them and I also know that the people I'm meeting have no idea of my history.....and yet when people keep raising this 'So are you trying' topic of conversation it is just so hard. I end up saying no, we've done all that etc.... but I go away and feel really low. It stirs it all up again...and even to the point where I started hoping when my period was late. Yesterday I found myself rummaging through my storage boxes in the bathroom to see if I had any folic acid supplements left...So what am I doing that for? Who am I kidding? Hope just will not leave me. I hate her - wish she'd jumped outta Pandora's box. She is almost as unwelcome a houseguest as Aunt Flo! 
Bernie


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Just wanted to send you a huge hug, Bernie    Don't really know what else I can say!

I guess I find I'm most victim to unwanted hopefullness when I haven't got anything else 'big' on the horizon, and having had your big move do you think this might slightly be a symptom of coming back down to earth after all the upheaval?  In which case I'm sure it will pass as you fully aclimatise.  Obviously since deciding to get out of a job I don't really enjoy into a totally new career I've had so much else on my mind I haven't given pregnancy (or when my period is even due) a moment's thought, but I'm sure that will all come back at some point. We can't all be constantly making vast changes to our lives to escape, but I do think given everythign you've achieved over the last year it's natural for your soul to be re-taking-stock of where that leaves you, plus of course you're meeting loads of new people still who will keep asking until they get used to the idea.

Jx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks J. I think you are right - I'm settling in and so have time to let thoughts wander. When I first arrived I think my body was in jet-lag big time because I started bleeding between periods, so my doctor booked me in for a scan. My cycles have since returned to normal and I'd forgotten about the scan which was yesterday. I thought I may as well go, for a check up. Anyway - being in that scanning room brought all these horrendous memories back. I found myself almost going into a panic attack. The technician said "That's one healthy uterus!" sort of cavalier and I felt relieved but when I got home I just cried my eyes out. Yeah - looks healthy enough but it doesn't WORK. That has been the story all the way - everything looks like it should work - but doesn't. I'm so angry with my body - and really I shouldn't be. There are far worse things could happen.
Bernie x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello Bernie

Just wondering how you are doing now - hope you are feeling a bit more settled    

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you!

Jx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks Pol! I'm doing better these days - see my recent post. 
Bernie xx


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