# On the treadmill again



## lotsky (Sep 29, 2006)

Im having a bit of a double edged sword today. Im really excited for the FF meet, but its been one of those days.

Im sorry to anyone still trying for number one, but DD is now nearly 6 months old. I struggled for 3 years for her and ended up with ICSI, a terrible pregnancy, birth and of course a gorgeous baby. I feel like I was made to be a mum- but a mum of many. I feel so so so grateful for her, but want a big family. 

I should be grateful for her, I should - I have a lovely home and man, but we have spent all our money on ICSI. He has a good job but ICSI cost us the best part of 10 grand, so we dont benefit from the good job. Normal people can choose what they spend their money on, we re not having a holiday this year except for the meet because we have to pay the 10 grand off and save for number two. Today I came on my period. I can feel those old feelings of desperation coming back. The same feeling s when trying for number one. I wonder if they ll ever go away. I wonder why normal people can live a normal life and why we have a life running around fertility and periods and hopes for baby. I wonder why friends announce no two three and four like it s a chore to be having another. Give it to me then. 
I love my baby so much. So so so much. Id chop off my arms for her, but I know she ll want a brother and or a sister. What child wouldnt. And Mummy despite trying has her period. Her holiday will be a trip to London in November December to rack up another 10 grand on the credit card for icsi ( because we cant put a price on life we will just rack it up ) and the horrid thing is that the law of averages dictates that it wont work. If it worked last time and its roughly 50% chance then this time has to fail, right? 
Why cant I just get pregnant. ? why have I been dealt this IF card. 
Im scared too. we went for a follow up post baby consultation at the private clinic to get things checked again. I have to go back for a second echo on day 8 cause there 'may' be a fibroid. 'may' 
Gosh, Im back on the treadmill with no respite- will it only stop once I cant do it anymore?

Sorry for my rant, its hormonal, first day of horrid period.


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## Marielou (Oct 18, 2003)

I couldn't just read and run, I can so relate to your feelings and I think a lot of people on here will too. 
I always always thought I'd have a large family - 4 children, I just took it for granted.  I know along with the joy of finally achieving our dream and having our son there is also grief that I won't ever have that big family, and that it doesn't come naturallly!  I'm having FET this cycle and have been so positive, but now 2 people in my family have announced they are pregnant and I've woken up today feeling all heavy and sad and jjust wanting to cry and scream.  I am pleased for them that they are pregnant, but so sad and frustrated for me.  One of them ttc for just over a year, and had just been told she'd only get preg with IVF when she got preg naturally.  I am over the moon for her, but it hurt like a cut wound when my dad and his wife told me about it last night (its her daughter) - they kept on about how great it is that she doesn't need IVF and of course, of course it is, but I just felt all sad and desperate inside that we DO need IVF and there really is no way of a natural pregnancy along the way.  
I understand the stress of money too - we paid a good £20k to get Ethan and just don't have that kind of budget now as I am a SAHM to spend as much time as possible with Ethan. 
Big hugs    Take care,

Marie xxx


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## Vivaldi (Mar 29, 2008)

Hi Lotsky,  
I read your post and just had to write to you, so sorry to hear how you are feeling  
I can totally identify with the money side, with others getting pregnant around you, with the desire just a strong to have another baby!
I had my gorgeous son after 3 years and 2 x IVF + ICSI, both BFN, and then IUI with DS which against all odds was a BFP and son born 2004. 
We know how lucky, lucky, lucky we are and I love him so much and cherish every day  and every minute with him. 
But - and there's that awful but, like you, I don't want to stop at one, I want a brother or sister for him too, and also - more selfishly, I want to be pg again  - I loved every day I was pregnant, it was pure bliss! And of course evryone around you assumed because you have one you can get pregnant and everyone asks 'when are you having no. 2  then? Don't leave it to late!' and of course you're trying and spending loads of time, effort and £££ but no luck yet! And then if you tell the person you can't and need txt, they then say 'oh well, at least you've got your son' - and that does NOT help!! 
I am feeling pretty desperate too, and the desire to have another is as strong a it was to have one - I thkn you are perfectly normal!!! 
And it's also normal to ache for the fact that we can't just get pregnant, and when our period arrives it is just the worst  
I thikn you are right about you can't put a price on life, and w ehave a similar attitude to you, although it means like you say, no hilday this year - we are so damn fedup with being 'thrifty', we literally pay our bills but none left over to actually enjoy life once money is put aside for treatment!!! 
I can't help you with why we have been dealt the IF card - it TOTALLY SUCKS!!! 
But at times when you need it most, turn to people that KNOW what you are going through, like FF, DH - and just get through each hour and day if necessary until you bounce back, we are all here for you   
Don't ever apologise for having a rant - we all need to have that rant from time to time
I'm having a rant myself at the moment, after having had 3 x IUI all BFN, then 4th IUI BFP, then miscarried at 5 wks at the EXACT time that my best friend was giving birth to her baby no.2 - it's like a conspiracy!!  
Let's rant away, girl!!  

Take care huni, 
LOL
Vivaldi xxx


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## ~SUGAR~ (Mar 25, 2006)

Hi
I do understand and empathise with everything that's been said here, and not that long ago, I posted a thread on this board, about how upset I was at keep getting BFN after BFN.

Then, amazingly, I managed to get a wonderful BFP thanks to Clomid, which was great as I'd never responded to it before, and was only using it as an interim whilst awaiting FET (or saving up for FET, as we could have it anytime if only we had the cash) But then I miscarried at 8 weeks. It wasn't meant to be for us this time.

I have to say though, that since then (and it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet) my attitude towards TTC#2 has changed somewhat. Don't get me wrong, we haven't given up on the dream of having more children, far from it, but what I have done is find a way to remain more positive and therefore happy in the meantime.

Looking back, I can see that ever since Lola was born, I've been obsessive about getting pregnant again, and I now feel guilty that I'd allowed that to take even just a little of the shine off becoming a mummy for the first time. So since the miscarriage, I've decided not to let it negatively affect Lola in any way. In fact, I've gone completely the other way, and it's made me realise that I have to cherish every single moment with Lola (not that I didn't before you understand) but the fact is that she is here, now, and deserves every bit of my time and attention. I am no longer willing to let my sadness at not being pregnant again affect me, and in turn her.

I'm not even sure exactly what it was that made me have this turn of attitude, but now, instead of focusing on what I haven't got, I'm training myself to think of what I have got, and it can't fail to make me happy! I read positive stories, listen to uplifting music, watch films that make me laugh and feel good and every little helps. In fact, if you need something thought provoking to read, Dibley posts a 'thought of the week' on the religion and infertility board and this week's has been especially helpful to me. http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=135087.0

I really believe that I will have another baby, but I'm no longer pressuring myself to get pregnant ASAP. It will happen in the course of things, not when I force it to happen. Of course, I will need tx again, so it's not as if I can just wait for it to happen naturally but I know that I will have to wait til we have some way of financing it that doesn't involve a pair of tights and a stick 'em up sign! 

Anyway, I've really waffled on here, but what I'm trying to say is, yes we are lucky to have our babies, and of course we appreciate them, but I've now realised that's not enough! Please don't take offence (especially as like I said, I was feeling _exactly_ the same not so long ago, so I do understand) but what I've realised is, that just saying that we know we're lucky isn't the same as acting like we are. And since I've been acting like the luckiest woman in the world for being blessed with my babe, then the stress of TTC again has become so much more bearable.

Try not to compare yourselves to people who conceive easily. Just becasue they can achieve the thing we crave the most, doesn't mean that their lives are totally fuflfilled. I'm sure there are things in your life that they strive for too, which may come more easy for you. By keep comparing oursleves to all these super-fertile people around us (and yes, they're every-bl00dy-where!) only makes us feel inadequate, when we are not! we have fought and fought and fought for our babies, and shown such strength and determination, that we shouldn't let others success diminish our esteem.

...and so ends the sermon 

FF is a great place because you know that you're never alone in how you feel and think, and if you look hard enough, there's always an insprational story to give you hope.

Love Jo xx


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## Vivaldi (Mar 29, 2008)

HI Sugar  
I've just read your post and it was very interesting to me so had to relpy!
I'm so glad you feel you are 'happier' and more settled in your approach - I only wish that would come to me. I'm still feeling like Mrs Desperate at the moment. 

I thought when you said about the difference between saying we are lucky and acting like we're lucky pure genius - that had never occurred to me until you said. Also, when you said about comparing ourselves constantly to people who can conceive - you are right again! They might not be necessailry happier or more fulfilled. I think one of the positives of treatment is that you have such a totally sh*t time, it brings you  and your DH closer together, and when you come through it and out the other side it is like nothing else, no other problem is insurmountable - the A Team!   I'm sure the strength and comfort that we've found in each other surpasses a lot of marriages out there?
I absolutely cherish every moment that I have with my son, but cannot settle in that I want 2 kids and the feelign won't go away. I read somethign else the other day on FF - someone said that most people don't even question other families for having 1, 2, 3 or whatever kids, so why should we beat ourselves up for wanting another kid just because we have been dealt the IF card?? That helped me - why shouldn't I want another kid??
I am going to try to ACT lucky if I can (still very much getting over the recent miscarriage - totally SUCKS), and I often think of those people who txt never works for and who haven't had the amazing experience of being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, etc. I do long for the day when I'm not obsessed with when my period is due, the agonies of the 2ww, the sticks that never read BFP, etc etc, but I'm just not at that point yet. I suppose you know your own path, your own journey, but all I can say Sugar, is thanks for the pearls of wisdom   

I wish you all the best when you do start txt.

One thing - when we got ourselves referred early 2007 to begin the quest for baby no. 2  - I gave myself a swift kick up the backside   to ensure my mindset wasn't too distracted with regards to not missing a moment with my son. I think with the exception of the BFN and the m/c, I have stuck to that plan as I used to beat myself up with guilt that I wasn't giving my son 100%. I would die if I thought I was adversely affecting him in any way!

That's me getting down from the pulpit now  

Take care, 
Vivaldi xxx


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## louise85 (Dec 17, 2003)

I totally understand what you are saying. I've just been told the news that a good friend of mine is expecting no.3 when only a few months ago she said to get pregnant would be the worst thing at the moment. I'm happy for her but to get pregnant would be the best thing to happen for me and its not happening 

I am also very lucky to have twins from our 1st ICSI and then a nat BFP last year ended at 9 wks and since then I actually think I've got so wrapped up in getting pg that I've missed out on what the other people in my family are feeling.

I want a big family so why do I feel guilty about doing ICSI again, I feel like even the drs are thinking she should be happy with whats she got.

Its my DH with the problem so I know he feels awful every time AF arrives and I'm in floods of tears, I do not blame him in any way but it must hurt him.

What I want to say is no I don't think the want to have more children goes away but I am trying to not let it take over (easier said than done).

Sending lots of hugs


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## ~SUGAR~ (Mar 25, 2006)

Louise   Don't feel guilty hun. As Vivaldi so rightly said, people without IF rarely have to justify wanting more children, so why should we? 

Vivaldi...I'm so relieved that my post didn't offend you.   I wasn't sure if I'd managed to word it correctly, and get my message across. 

So many positives came across in your message, especially about the relationship with your DH. Love the A-team analogy!   And that's exactly what we have to be isn't it? I agree 100% that it adds a deeper level to your relationship. I know that in some cases this is not always so, and the stresses of IF can drive couples apart, but when it does pull you together, that bond is amazing. 

So although you may still feel like Mrs Desperate now (might I suggest a name change by deed-poll here? I think you're more of a Mrs Hopeful!   ) I really believe that you will come to the same place, just in your own time. Believe that you will have another child, don't ever doubt it. It's that belief that is keeping me positive, and I'm just learning to be more patient. Don't add any extra pressure to yourself about it. Allow yourself to feel sad without feeling guilty, but then always try and bring yourself out of it by 'acting lucky'. It's hard at first, but it really does help. 

Sending   and   and   to everyone out there who wants to extend their family. 

Love Jo xx


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