# not sure if going to tell!!



## Bessie (Aug 7, 2007)

Hi everybody  

I am currently having DE IVF treatment abroad, and i was just wondering about people opinions on whether to tell the child or not!!
As I am having treatment abroad i will not be able to know any information about the donor, so i am wondering if i tell them about there conception i cannot offer them any information about the donor!! so am not sure what we will gain out of that..  i would not want the child to feel different or anything like that..  I feel as my hubby will be the father and I will be carrying the baby we are the parents!!
so therefore i am not sure that i will be telling.. i know this is quite a complex subject..  
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this situation..

I would be grateful for any opinions or advice on this subject..


Good luck to all

Bessie


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Bessie
A difficult one I know but all the DC adults I know say that they would much prefer to know...or have known...about their DC from an early age than find out later.  See posts from Wiz on this subject.  She only discovered two years ago that she was donor conceived and now finds it difficult to trust her parents.  If ANYONE else knows then there is the chance that your child could find out unexpectedly and many DC adults (including Wiz) say that they suspected that something was wrong/different but didn't know what it was.  This can lead children to blame themselves because they have no explanation about why they feel different.
If a child is brought up from the beginning to be proud of their origins and who they are, then donor conception...even anonymous DC...doesn't have to be a negative thing.  It is simply part of their story.
You and your husband will of course be Mum and Dad, but this isn't about you... it is about what your child needs to know about him or herself.
Have a look at our web site www.dcnetwork.org for more stories of donor conceived adults and for materials to support parents in 'telling'.
Best
Olivia


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## clare2 (Aug 1, 2006)

It sounds awful and incredibly selfish, but if DE work for me I don't think I'm going to tell. Deep down I think it's unfair on the child, but ironically my husband (who would be the genetic father) is even less keen on telling the child than I am. There are definitely times when if something is really going to hurt someone, it is much, much better not to tell them - but whether this can justify not telling a DC I'm not sure. 

I don't suppose that helps as I'm not sure myself - right now I just hope it works for me!

Ox


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## Bessie (Aug 7, 2007)

Hello everyone

Thanks for you replies

I think its a very difficult decision to make, for myself nobody at all knows we are doing DE treatment!! so therefore i dont think I have the worry of them finding out throu anybody else!!  I do feel its not good to have secrets but as i will be carring the baby and my hubby is the genetic father i dont see the advantage of telling especially as I have no information to give them.. ( hope i dont sound ignorant)
But I might change my mind if and when I have a baby...
I also sometimes I think of all the children who are are being deceived re parentage
A friend recently told me that her oldest child was not by her husband but the other 2 children were and the child thinks her husband is her father, her father is a relative of the husband and all the family know except the child who is 13!! my friend has no intention of telling the child who her father is but so many family members know she could find out anytime!!


oliv I totally understand what you are saying, deep down it does seem unfair on the child but only we can decide on what to do.

Bessie


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Oliv
I wonder why you think information about being donor conceived might hurt a child?  This seems to reflect more on how you think about using donated eggs than anything to do with how a child might feel.  If parents are comfortable and confident with the decisions they have made then it is possible for them to communicate this very positive attitude to children, who will grow up accepting that they have a donor as well as a Mum and Dad.  Children take on the attitudes of their parents, they do not arrive with fully formed feelings about anything...including donor conception.  Your wish to protect any child you have from harm and difficulty is of course natural and very understandable, but the best protection you can give them is by feeling confident and comfortable yourself about what you are doing and then being open with your child about it.  This way the child will gain strength and resilience from your positive attitude and be much better able to deal with issues that may (or may not) arise later.  
Think of it this way.  What we all want from those closest to us is respect and honesty.  This is what strong relationships are based on.  Not telling children about something as fundamental as their genetic origins is neither respectful nor honest.  Can these be the right values on which to base family life?
Sorry to come on so strong...but this is about the future well-being of your family and an individual who has a right and a need to understand about their background.  It does not have to be negative information....it is just information they are entitled to.
In my opinion, and that of the HFEA and the government (see debates in the House of Lords on the new HFE Act), using donor conception to create a family means accepting a responsibility to share the information with any child conceived.  It may not seem fair that those of us using DC have to do so much more thinking than others who conceive with their own eggs and sperm, but the bottom line is that we do have to take on a level of maturity, responsibility and moral courage above and beyond that required of other parents.  An integral part of this is acceptance of openness with our children.
Best wishes
Olivia


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## Shellyj (Mar 25, 2007)

Hi Bessie,
I share your worries and concerns, and am also having DE abroad, since certain regulating bodies made it practically impossible to have it done here!!!
I too am of the opinion that we will have so little information to have tell the child that there may be very little point in it. Wont it just make them all the more curious to seek out their origin , when in fact they cant? The last thing we want to do is to make them feel "DIFFERENT ".
I do agree with Olivia in that honesty is the best policy, and she has a point in that the fact that we dont want to reveal the identity may have to do with how we feel about using donated eggs!
But unfortunately, societys attitude with his matter is possibly the reason that we feel unable to reveal the origin of the child, and we know what a hostile reception we will recieve if the news were announced.
Very best of luck with your journey, Im in the same situation as yourself and totally understand how you feel. Perhaps we may feel different when any children come along, and maybe it will not be such a "big deal"
Love Shellyjxxx 










life


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

But difference does not have to be negative Shelly!  If children feel proud and confident about who they are then others cannot press hurt 'buttons' with them.  Many donor conceived children (who are now adults) who were not told about their origins spent a long time feeling 'different' and felt bad about it because they didn't have an explanation.  They blamed themselves and often had low self esteem as a result.  Children who are 'told' early have an explanation for any difference (in looks, talents or aptitudes) and the opportunity to talk about it with their parents.  They do not feel bad about themselves...actually some of them really enjoy the 'difference' of being donor conceived and talk proudly about it.  Most just feel comfortable and get on with their lives.  Telling is also much easier in the long run than not telling.  Keeping secrets is hard work...you find yourself being evasive and lying directly.  Why would you want to do this with your children?  They are almost bound to be aware of something going on...and (because children are naturally self-centred) they blame themselves.  Being open from the start is a much easier life for parents and promotes well-being of children.
Take courage!
Olivia


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## sjc (Apr 27, 2006)

Well. I was just searching these boards and fell across this very interesting subject.  There are so many studies about this with regard to adoption studies and it has been found that it is so much better for all parties to be upfront with the child. As mentioned, if the child is told from an early age and all questions answered when asked, it will be the 'norm'.  I work with 2 people who were adopted and were told late in their teens of this, things then 'fell into place" for them.  I can understand all points raised, as in the donor cannot be traced etc but what happens at a later date for example if the child of mother/father requires hospital treatment and the only person that could help was blood relative, imagine is this happened and then you had to tell the child which may then be an adult the truth. I think, if I knew my mother and father were so desperate for a child and they went through the whole thing of IVF then ED/SP I would feel very much loved by them.  

Sam x


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## Bessie (Aug 7, 2007)

hello everybody

Thank you all again for you replys and thoughts

I think my main concern re telling is what shelley says about the children feeling different and even more curious about there origins because they could not find out any info and I think that could make them feel different... and the attitude of society!!! which can be very cruel sometimes.

I take on board what olivia says and I agree with lots olivia says, but for us we are still very unsure of what to do.
Like I said when a baby arrives we might change our minds, but If we do not I am not going to feel a bad person
I think everyone has there own choice on what to do, I have spoken to many ladies who are telling and also ladies who are not and they all have there own personel reasons and I do not judge them at all.

A very difficult subject 

sam xx


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## Lou F ❁ (Feb 28, 2003)

Evening ladies
I dont normally post i only read on here not sure why  guess coz it a hard decsion to make.

We have just had out 1st DE tx and am half way through our 2ww   i have two'd and frowed about this subject so much, and one day i blurted it all out to my sister, as soon as i did i new i would not be able to keep the origins of our possible baby to myself, my dh was really upset that i had told anyone mainly as he is very private and doesnt feel the need to talk about it like i do   but there again like i pointed it out to him I am the one that will not be genetically linked to our child and surly it is something i needed to to get clear about in my own head., I have gone on to tell my mum and other sister and a cousin i guess i am aware that now that anyone knows i have to tell the truth which is somehitng i was always sure i would but was scared i would chicken out when the time came, now i cant and am 100% sure it is the right thing for us, I have a cousin who at 34 believes he has the same dad as his brothers he doesnt, i have known this since i was 8 when another spitefull cousin told me all the story, I do beleive my cousin does know but his mum n dad have never spoke about it and i think he just gets on with it, a few years ago he did say to my aunt aslong as u r my mum that is all i care about   he is very mixed up and i hated it knowing something so personal about him that him and his brothers didnt know and maybe still dont know for sure   we were so close as kids i guess knowing this about him has made my decision that much easier, i find it hard to lie and when it comes down to the nitty gritty that is pretty much what i would be doing to my own child.
All i know off my donor is she is from the CZ she is 25 her blood group she has a child n well educated, not alot of info but hopefully with the proper guidance and help i hope i will be able to give any child i may be lucky to have the right insight as to why we did what we did and that yes they are different but nothing wrong in being different and explained correctly should create a well rounded yound child who understands more than maybe a child born without the need for any donor.

Ok so i know i have waffled and i know why i dont normally post here   
Very hard decision and am sure whatever anyones decison is it wont be made lightly.

Huge hugs to all
lol
Lou


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