# after the worst year of my life what do I do next?



## littlechicken16 (Jun 22, 2014)

So 2015 was the worst year of my life, I went into it so full of hope and I was convinced all it was going to take was a simple IVF treatment and I would finally have a baby, I couldn't have been more wrong! 
January, I had all the basic tests in 2014, got referred to the fertility clinic, planned my cycle, received the drugs, and finally started the injections on 4th January. I did feel under pressure for it to work first time and my sister was 6 mths pregnant with her 3rd child. The cycle was a disaster, I only produced one follicle and the cycle got converted to iui which failed. 
March, my sister told me she was pregnant on the day I had to sign on the paperwork in August 14 to start my cycle in January, I was happy that I was going to be an auntie again but I wished the timing had been a bit better, I was having counseling at the time regarding my infertility and I was concerned that I wouldn't bond with the baby like I had the rest of my nieces and nephews as I wasn't aware of my problems when they were born. However by March I couldn't wait to meet my new baby niece, as it turned out I didn't have to, she was born 5 weeks early due to iugr. I was there when she was born and it was a very traumatic experience, she was the most beautiful dinky thing I've ever seen, she weighed 3lb 10 and I fell head over heels in love with her, she was in the scbu for 3 weeks, she had to be resuscitated at birth which took them 4 minutes, she had 2 bleeds on her brain was jaundice and was hypothermic, she stopped breathing a few times in scbu although there were a few set backs she finally came home and was completely healthy, she is now the funniest little toddler an I couldn't love her more, her birth really affected me though as when she wasn't breathing the midwifed didn't tell us, they kept saying we are just giving her a bit of help and let me take a photo of my 'dead' niece. 
April, my niece was still in hospital but was nearly ready to come home, my dad who had a terminal lung condition was admitted to hospital just before she came home with pneumonia, he had a chest infection for a few weeks before so hadn't had a chance to meet his new granddaughter, the doctors thought he was going to die, he didn't but he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer as well as the terminal polmanary fibrosis, (can't get much unluckier than that!) he was soon well enough to come home, my niece had been discharged and he finally got to meet her, he was chuffed to bits! It was heartbreaking seeing him hold her and I hoped that he would still be here if my second IVF worked so I could see him hold a baby of mine! 
June, my dad was admitted to hospital again, Again the doctors thought he was going to die, all the family came and said their goodbyes, I stayed at the hospital for days on end even slept in my car outside of his ward window in case they needed me quickly, but yet again he prove them wrong and he came home. It was obvious we were on borrowed time so I spent as much time with him as I could and done everything I could to make him as comfortable as possible. My dad and I had never been very close, he used to be an alcoholic and used to beat my mum and I spent most of my teens hating him, but when he became ill we started getting closer and in the last year we were closer than ever before. I loved the bones of him and was finally proud to be his daughter! 
June my dad decided that his final wish was to see his 5 grandchildren christened, so we booked it for 4 weeks time and started planning it, my dad paid for the cake and he wa so looking forward to it! 
1st July day 1 of my second IVF, looking back now I know I never should have gone ahead with this cycle, but I was desperate, my oh (not the same one I'm with now) was a complete waste of space, I knew before I even started the first cycle in January that we were going to break up, he was taking cocaine throughout both cycles and had got us into thousands of pounds worth of debt, I couldn't stand the sight of him but I was told I needed the treatment within a year so I felt I couldn't afford to wait to meet someone else and then wait two years for treatment, so I went ahead. 
The1st July was the worst day of my life, I had just done my first injection then my dads wife rang and said my dad wants my siblings and me to go to his house, he had been in bed for a few days as he wanted to save his energy for the coming Sunday which was the christening. We all arrived and sat in his room with him, the doctor came out to see him and told us today would be the day, my dad was still laughing and joking with us, after the doctor left he said, 'that's really weird I'm feeling okay again now, I really thought I was going to die today!' We didn't leave his side all morning, he told us all how much he loved us (he never does that) it meant the world to me, then he had an alcohol free beer and went to sleep, we kept him dosed up on morphine and then at 13:10 I was laying on his bed with him holding his hand when he took his last breath. My dad was the strongest man I ever knew I was devastated but it was a relief to not have to watch him suffer and struggle to breath for the first time in 4 years, it was easier to lose him than to watch him suffer. 
My IVF cycle continued, we had to arrange my dad's funeral around my treatment, I started off with two follicles and they were going to cancel the treatment again, I managed to get the nurse to wait a couple more days before they canceled so that I could get through my dads funeral first, I went back the day after my dads funeral and I ha a new third follicle, I was an emotional wreck, and I managed to convince myself that this new follicle was sent from my dad and contained my golden egg! 
Egg collection, they collected three eggs, they told me after that they appeared dark and grainy, I still to this day have no idea what that means but I'm guessing it means they are bad quality eggs but I don't know what causes it, one fertilized and I went back and had a day3 transfer, I obviously wanted it to work but when I got my bfn I was kind of relieved, I didn't want a baby with a druggy if it did work i wouldn't have let him anywhere near any baby of mine! I had already decided that I was going to go abroad and have donor embryos and do it on my own in the future. I ended the relationship soon after and decided I was going to take some time out and then think about it again.
august, on a Sunday I used to administer my Nan's insulin injections am and pm and I would always take her a roast dinner, Sunday's were the highlight of my week, there was nothing I loved more that a cuppa an a gossip with my beautiful Nanners, she was so funny, as soon as I saw her I knew something was wrong I kept asking if she was okay and she insisted that she was but I wasn't having any of it, I got the paramedics to come out and they said they wanted to take her to hospital, she wasn't happy about it she was adamant there was nothing wrong but finally agreed to go, and she never came home she died a week later, it was such a shock and I took it a lot worse than I did my dad, I knew he was going to die but my nan was fine the week before! I miss her so much! 
September, my happily ever after... Suddenly I saw my best friend of 10 years in a different light! Everybody especially my nan had wanted us to get together but I was adamant we were just friends, losing my dad and nan made me realize what was always right infront of me, even my ex boyfriend used to say I was only wet happy when I was around him, he is literally perfect! He has two children from his previous relationship and I am their god mother, they are great kids I love them to bits, they seem to have coped well with us being together and I have a brilliant relationship with them. My oh and I moved in together straight away, we had lived together before so I knew it would be fine! 
November, I had a phone call from the police, my partner was working Sotheby's asked me to go to the kids mums house and collect the kids as ohs dd had a bruise on her leg in the shape of teeth marks and told her teacher her mum bit her because she wouldn't stop crying! The children were then placed in our care and that is now permanent. They have now been with us for 8 mths and are both doing well, they see their mum twice a week but it's all a bit up and down she is a waste of space, she chooses alcohol drugs and men over them all the time she hasn't once asked to see them anymore than she does and doesn't even ring or txt to see how they are, she freely says she can't cope with them and doesn't want them back full time. They have been a great distraction from my fertility problems but now that we have settled into a routine and everything is well I have started thinking about treatment again.
What next? I have pof/ dor I nee to decide what to do next, should I have any other tests done eg immunes? 
Should I et my amh and fsh tested again, How do I decide wether to try own eggs again with a different protocol (done short protocol last time) should I go straight to donor? Should I go abroad or stay in the uk? The list goes on, every time I start to think about it all I draw a complete blank, it's all a bit overwhelming. Should I even be thinking about treatment yet? I know I'm 100% in the right relationship I never would have risked our friendship if I wasn't sure, but is it too soon for the kids then again if I do have treatment again it will probably be about 6mths until I started anything, then it would have to work and then it would be another 9 mths before a baby would possibly arrive, so maybe that's not too soon, do We get married first. Are my hands full enough looking after the two children i already have to care for? Maybe I should have more counseling first before I make any decisions? Lol these are the thugs that go through my head every time I think about going again. It's been a crazy 18mths, but I feel settled I just need to get my head around everything! Any advice would be much appreciated, how do I decide what to do next? 
Thanks in advance!


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## VicksterM (Jun 12, 2016)

I saw your post on the main page and didn't want to read and run.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough year but great that you have such good things in your life now, so it wasn't just a bad year I hope! Counselling sounds like an excellent idea to me after everything you've experienced. If you do go ahead with more treatment, whether or not it works puts you under huge emotional pressure, so it's worth resolving what is going on with you.

I guess you have had the conversations with your OH but making sure you are both on the same page sounds really important, given its a new relationship. Fertility treatment is one of the most stressful things, as you know, so you both need to go into it prepared, in my opinion.

Depending on how old you are could also affect whether you feel the need to do this straight away or if you have more time. You have so many questions, understandably, so make sure you answer them. A counsellor may well be able to help you work through them and a consultant will be able to advise on the medical bits and the chances of success with each option.

Good luck with your decision. I think you are in a fortunate position, having found a fab partner and with 2 great kids, so I hope you can focus on the positive and find the right way forward for you all.


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

What a tough year you've had. I'm so sorry for your losses. I think you sound incredibly strong - I don't know what I would have done if all of that had been thrown at me in one year. 

I basically agree with every single thing Vickster has said and I can't add anything else to it, other than emphasise how important it is to have a proper chat with OH about it. I think counselling would be well worth considering.

I wish you the very best of luck. I hope this all works out for you. Xxx


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## littlechicken16 (Jun 22, 2014)

Thankyou both I think I'm definetly going to have some more counseling, although I feel like I've dealt with the other stuff that has happened I have no idea what steps to take with my next treatment, my oh is sure that he wants to have a baby with me and he will do whatever it takes to make it happen, we are both on the same page, he always used to say he would be my sperm donor when we were just friends and I don't doubt that he meant it. His children are the image of him so even if I do need to use an egg donor hopefully his genes would shine through! I never had my follow up appointment after my last failed in so I may see if I can book one and see what my consultant thinks I should do next.


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

I think you're in a strong position right now, from the sounds of it  Also sounds like you have an absolutely wonderful man too! I think more counselling and booking a time with your consultant would be good next steps. Then once you're armed with all the information you can go from there. The very best of luck - you deserve this! Xx


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## VicksterM (Jun 12, 2016)

Good luck with it all : ) that's great if you've already got a consultant appointment you can use for this!


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