# a husbands response to his loving wife when it might not be good news Icsi



## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

I'm a husband of the most beautiful person in the world, my wife!!!! We are almost there in our 2week wait for confirmation of our ICSI treatment, this coming Friday. My wife copes with things well, but its not looking 2 promising at the moment. We dont think its any other kind of bleed other than period bleed which developed a couple of days ago and it appears to be very heavy. We now know the chances are extremely slim but i want to hang in on there for me but most importantly for my wife and hope that miracles can happen.
The signs up until last couple of days were great, good grading, possible pregnancy signs, this has just devestated us and I NEED TO BE STRONG FOR HER in preparation for Friday. I'm really trying because she is and always will be my world.This is our first ICSI attempt due to my low sperm count and motility.

Just really feel for her and want to say right things, most importantly i want it to work.can david beat goliath?
We dont know anybody else who has went thru this and we have kept a lot of it from our families


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## TwiceBlessed (Nov 8, 2006)

What a wonderful thing you are doing posting on here!

It is so very hard to know what to say or do.  You are hurting too although obviously you are not experiencing the physical side of things.

I can only speak from my own experience- allow yourself to just be there if she needs a hug or maybe she needs you to give her some space.

You know your wife and how she deals with any other kind of setbacks, if this doesnt work this is obviously a "biggie" but you come across as so very caring I am sure if you just follow your instincts you will be fine.

If it doesnt work (and I say if because I know two people from my clinic who had heavy bleeds before BFPs) she may need a break from IF talk or she may well be gung ho for trying again as soon as possible.  By all means discuss this when she feels ready to, but not before.  The only thing I would suggest is (if it was me) a nice evening out just the two of you, you dont need to say anything just be together.  Tell her what you have said here if you like, she may feel undervalued after all and there is often talk of women saying (mainly to female friends) that they feel they have failed as a woman if they cant get pg.  She is so special to you and it will do no harm to confirm this to her (but I dont need to tell you that, the fact that you are even posting here says it all).

I really hope this works out for you and if not this time then soon.

Sometimes ICSI just doesnt work the first time.....doesnt mean it wont the next.

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

really appreciate those nice comments EBW, we are nearly there just like every1 else on this forum want it to work but dont want my heart to rule my head.
its so hard and even when posting this i'm getting quite emotional, really really trying to be strong for my wife so she doesnt see that


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## TwiceBlessed (Nov 8, 2006)

You know your wife best, maybe, if this doesnt work it would also help her to see you cry?  Sometimes we just dont necessarily want to see our dps/dhs being "strong" .  

Just a thought.

I have to go now but I am sure someone will be able to pop on here and give you another perspective.

Also why not post on "the Mens room" I think its called to get a male perspective on things?

also, if this doesnt work take advantage of any counselling at the hospital available to you both xx


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## HJG (Jan 23, 2006)

Even if you can't find the right words if you need them I think your post says it all.  She is a lucky lady!

HJG


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

I saw this post and had to reply. You are doing very well and don't change a thing about you. 
I am lucky my DH is very patient and accepts my hormone moods, and I know that if we fail on this one ( I am in 2WW at the moment) I would like him to be as he was the first 2, i.e tolerant, showing me that he loves me no matter what , thatwe can do it, and that I make him very happy with or without a child. We obviously want a baby so much but the important thing is to be there for each other , and spend some together time and maybe you can also give her a little bit of space if she needs it? Cuddles are good at anytime  though  
Lots of    to you both.
Future Mummy


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## cheekychops (Jun 19, 2006)

HI There,

Just wanted to first say good luck for tomorrow, i test on Sunday. Secondly, i know this will sound strange but just try and enjoy each other... this is my 4th go and i am a person who handles things very well and everything is kept in order ect... but in fact i was falling apart with each day and my poor husband didn´t know.. i kept it that well hidden, now i tell him every pain and time i have a little cry ect... and it is so much better and we have started to enjoy each other again  rather than planning every thing aroung IVF and getting pregnant, that is very important. Just be very honest with each other and remember that us women although we say we are coping, it doesn´t always mean we are........Just go that extra mile.

Take care 
Sarah


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Hi

I have tears in my eyes reading your post, your wife is a very very lucky lady, I sincerely hope that its positive for you on Friday but if your struggling with words simply direct her to your post!

Sending you huge amounts of  

Bev xx


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

very kind words to all, i will be back on to let you know how we get on probably not 2moro but real soon.

our faith is strong for both of us and we continue to pray and hope it works out, i know its not looking to good at moment. i said this to my wife last night that sometimes you hear horror stories about couples being torn apart with ivf/icsi etc i genuinely believe we are closer than ever and the only thing missing in our life is a baby ( our world ) but i think i'm just about ready for news 2moro whatever way its going to go.

again thanks to all and good luck


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## TwiceBlessed (Nov 8, 2006)

Wishing you all the best for today        .  Whatever the outcome dont be a stranger!


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

unfortunately it was as we thot a disappointing outcome, 2 of us absolutely devastated


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## TwiceBlessed (Nov 8, 2006)

Thinking of you both at this time  

You WILL get through this but take what time you need and be there for each other x


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## trollmor (Feb 18, 2004)

I wanted to send a big hug  
I know how hard it is, but please stay strong. It will happen. Miracles do come true.

You sound like a real wonderful husband and your wife is very lucky to have you to lean on


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## petdowe (Mar 17, 2006)

I am so sorry thinking of you both  
Yes i totally agree with Trollmor your wife is lucky to have a husband like you take care and i hope your
Dreams will come true soon nicky.


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

just so hard, last night we had a real good chat, now the anger is setting in."why do 13 yr old lassies get pregnant?" "why is god not listening to us when we pray to him constantly" "why not us"

suppose this is natural to feel angry and i'm kinda glad that she is getting a release as i dont want her to let her emotions build up. however the bottom line is we are devastated

its kinda early to say but looks like we will try again probably in march, will confirm when we see the doctor to discuss. 2 upset to speak with him yesterday


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## Mel (Jan 1, 2002)

Hi Hoopy and DW

I am so sorry to read your news, all the emotions you are going through are very normal and to be expected.

I want to send you both a huge hug.

Mel
x


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## mini (May 17, 2004)

Hoopy and DW 

you are both in my thoughts - take care of each other now 

love Mini xx


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## Pickle_99_uk (Dec 12, 2005)

Hi, 

You sound like an incredibly strong couple and you will get through this.  When we have had failed cycles, we have taken some time to be with each other  - days out, takeaway and a good film - whatever you enjoy doing.  Your feelings at the minute are completely natural and many of us have been there and completely sympathise.  Its so hard.  Best of luck for future cycles.  

Tracy xxx


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear hoopy
I was near on crying reading your post and think its wonderful that you took the time and courage to post on here - it takes a lot esp for the hubbies and strangely enough I have just replied to a post on the intro board from a guy like you so loving and supportive of his wife - your wives are so lucky to have men like you that post on here.  my hubbie was very sceptical about this site at first although loves it now but rarely if ever comes on but i read lots out to him and our current bfp is totally down to this site.  (I met my donor on here) I have been to hell and back this last year but this site has been a live saver and I think you will find it offers you a lot of support and comfort in these dark days after a BFN - I was so sorry to read of your result and wanted to send you lots of      .  You sound like a strong loving couple and you will get through this you just need to take some time out and be kind to yourselves.    
love
susie


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

kind words from all, its kinda beginning to hit us both now  
spoke with parents today after chapel and they were treading on eggshells not really knowing what to say.
my wife just looks as if she is going to cry constantly the now, she must be bad cos i told her to go out and get a new outfit to make her feel better and she couldnt be bothered. believe me that wont last long!!!!!!!

anyways its nice to get support, thanks to all again


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

more bad news, just went and seen the consultant for follow up treatment and answers and he couldnt give us any.

not blaming him at all but the fact is he is worried that my wife could be a poor responder as out of 20 follicles only a week or so b4 eggs were to be removed only 6 were removed, 4 of them were crap basically just fluid. his concern is that a pattern could develop after 2nd attempt but you wont know until you have went thru it again.

we are a wee bit confused what to do, possibly change clinic finding it a bit of bad news days all the time, getting a wee bit angry with it now.


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## TwiceBlessed (Nov 8, 2006)

Hi Hoopy

I am sorry to read that you couldnt get any answers.  There is a thread on here for poor responders But I cant find it at the moment.  Hoping a mod will come here and point you in the right direction.

Sadly sometimes they just "dont know" until another cycle is started.....and that is so stressful for all involved.  This really is a rollercoaster.

Dont know if this will help at all.  I am classed as a poor responder.

History

Attempt 1= 6 eggs= only one fertilized but didnt divide
Attempt 2= didnt react to down regulation (sniffing) drugs, cycle cancelled
Attempt 3= 5 eggs despite being on high dosage stim drugs, 2 fertilized. BFP but suffered a missed miscarriage at 9w in November 2006
Attempt 4= almost a disaster, advised to cancel as at one point only had one follicle any good....this snuck up to 2 and eventually 3.....did manage to get 3 eggs and from those: 2 embryos.  I am now 34w pregnant with a singleton.

Quite often the first treatment (this was your first) is a fact finding mission but sometimes the facts unfortunately dont make themselves know that quick either.

Please dont give up hope just because she is a poor responder.  If we can locate the thread people on there can probably give you positive stories from similar situations.

I know how distressing it is not knowing the "whys" but please feel free to post here whenever you need to, someone will "know" what you are going through and give you info and support.

Wishing you and mrs Hoopy all the best.


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

again good advice EBW i dont want to sound selfish cos i know loads of other ppl on this site have at times or are feeling as bad as we are, i suppose its kinda natural i think!

some nice points, thanks

just for the first time in my life i'm hearing my wife last night tell me shes depressed, shes the strongest person i know. of course i'm there for her, as ive said b4 she is and always will be my world. we are planning another go march/april time then reassess, already possibly looking at adoption sites in our local area, havent had the strength tho to key it into the web, maybe in a wee bit denial myself.

take care all ok


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## bib (Apr 17, 2007)

Hi hoopy,

I am sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom.  I am so sorry you are having a bad time of it all.  It is so stressful and is enough to drive anyone mad.

what I would say is that with your support and love, you will both get through.  You sound like a fab hubby  

Take care hun and keep us posted.

Jo xxxx


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Hi hoopy, 

Sorry to read it was negative. It is your first attempt and often it is a bit of a lottery in terms of drugs prescribed as the docs don't know how your wife is going to respond to what until the first result. At the second attempt she might have a different protocol, different drugs, more monitoring. 
A lot of girls have accupuncture in between cycles to help relax the body and the mind, and even to help prepare for another treatment. Do you think your wife could be interested? 
Wishing your and your wife the best,   
Future Mummy


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

i dont think so but to be honest we would probably walk on a bed of nails to make our dream come true


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## LizzyB (Mar 25, 2003)

No good advice I'm afraid Hoopy, but heartfelt hope that you and your wife reach your dream.

Take care, Lizzy xxx


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## TwiceBlessed (Nov 8, 2006)

Hoopy, there should be counselling available at your clinic (part of the package). Its not everyones "cup of tea" but it can help to talk things through (or obviously use us!!!)

You dont sound at all selfish. So many of us have been "there" or "thereabouts" we understand so much how you feel.

I found the poor responders thread

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=122381

As for your wife feeling depressed, its understandable but the fact that you are looking to get on this rollercoaster again is a very good sign.

Sadly this can be a longer road than we would ever wish for but keep fighting for that dream and we will be here every step of the way with you.

x


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

Found this post when looking for answers about potential period arriving 2 days before knowing if 2nd ICSI has been successful. Realised straight away that this was my original post just before our failed 1st attempt.

we did change clinic and changed medication from gonal f to menopur. we did get 10 eggs, 9 fertilised and 4 grade 8s 2 of which were frosties and my sample was almost "normal". the problem is like last time it looks like AF has arrived, we test on Tuesday. Wife is devastated again, appears to be sticky red blood and a lot of when rubbing herself down. Smart money is most def a bfn. What is killing us this time is everything went absolutely brilliant and looks like a disastrous result again. Where now? havent a clue, the clinic we are using currently has a supberb success rates of 53.5% for couples in our age group - 33and34.

Just thought i would post this as looking for some hope


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## Jellybabe (Aug 16, 2006)

Hoopy   so sorry to read your post and that you both have to go through the heartbreak again  

If your wife has sticky bld she may benefit from baby aspirin and heparin (clexane or fragmin), it may also be worth looking into immune issues if you have been trying for sometime without success (naturally and with ART)   just a thought

 for you and your wife


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I really hope that you things go well for you both , even if it isn't your time don't give up - that's my motto anyway.
L x


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

thanks for nice comments to you both. i have read about aspirin, maybe worth considering next time barring a miracle of success which i still pray for


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## sunfizz (May 4, 2005)

hoopy and dw,

know exactly where you're coming from - am currently in the same situation as your dw (2nd icsi, great embryos with frosties to spare, all gone well, but af apparently arriving).  And reading how you're feeling has helped me understand how my dh is feeling too.  He's being brave but is obviously very disappointed and trying to be strong.  We've kept it from our families, but have prayed hard, and have exactly the same feelings about 'why can't it be us'.

No useful words of advice.  Just stay strong, know you're not alone.  Life's difficult - but living through the bad bits is how you know when you've got to a good bit.

Best of luck to you both for this, and whatever the future holds.

sunfizz


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

thank you sunfizz and i hope your dreams also come true x


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

quite unbelievably on tuesday after 2 failed pregnacy tests 1 day b4 visit to clinic, we got a faded red line and had to do bloods.
hcg levels were ok tuesday but clinic still thot that it was not going to be a success. in today for further blood tests and at our 2nd attempt at ICSI loads of heavy bleeding included this time for 2 days we got a   

in shock!!!! moral of story never give up we did and look at result, now we pray for a safe pregnancy, tho thats for another day


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## lilacbunnykins (Mar 15, 2005)

ahh so pleased for you both.heres to a healthy pregnancy...
sue


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## carole (Jul 21, 2003)

Congratulations on your BFP !      

All the best to you both and please keep us uptodate with how things are going


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

many thanks i'm getting emotional reading posts and still to wait on my wife coming home from work, will be a gone with the wind moment!!


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## LizzyB (Mar 25, 2003)

Yay Hoopy!!

Wow....many congratulations to you and your DW. Fabulous 

Enjoy 

Lizzy xxx


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## LUCY L (Mar 25, 2008)

woohoooo!!! am so made up for u hoopy. Ive been reading ur posts starting from last year and ohmygod i was close to tears!!! I had embryo transfer yesterday and am feeling horrible at the moment and then i read ur latest one and its made me wanna cry even more!!! with joy though!! Congratulations!!! Hope everything goes well for you, keep us updated on here with how things go, its the first time ive read a thread from a man so its nice to get ur perspective!!
Look after you wife, and all the luck in the world to the both of u xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

I've just read through this from the start too hoopy and i've got a huge grin and tears in my eyes!  I'm ecstatic for you both hun!!!  Wow, that's brilliant!

I too had some very heavy bleeding a tthe end of 2ww and was convinced it hadn't worked - but i didn't find out for another 2 weeks!!

We will all have our fingers crossed for you now - please keep us posted!!


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

lucy lovely comments thanks a lot means a lot too. i sincerely hope you have all the luck that we encountered also.
never give up on the wonders of science, we did and look what happened!
we had a fabulous night last night so joyous, perfect

take care


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

sally it really is the wonders of science

we threw the towel in, all our holy statues were put in drawers then we got  

needless to say they are back out


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

So chuffed for you hun I can't tell you!!

What will be will be eh?


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

absolutely 100% things happen for a reason rightly or wrongly.


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## Emmib (Apr 17, 2008)

Hoopy

Congratulations to you both, finally your wait was worth all the pain.

Good luck with the pg and keep taking care of your very very lucky wife.

Having been there when this difficult path can tear a strong relationship apart, watching you through this thread just shows how much you love your wife and managed to keep going.

An inspiration to us all, thank you for giving us a bit more hope.


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## Hayleigh (Apr 29, 2008)

Hoopy xx  Just been reading your post from start to finish and I have tears  in my eyes sooooooo chuffed for your and DW   It really is such a fantastic ending!!! reading your post has made me think more about how my DH must have been feeling during our 2 ICSI attempts xx so thank you for your insight and you sound like a strong couple. I agree our tx has brought me and DH much much closer.......I wish you both well for the future and I hope you DW has a wonderful pregnancy.

Take care and sending you both a huge       

Hayleigh xx


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## hoopy74 (Nov 28, 2007)

emmib and hayleigh very kind words, we really had chucked it and were totally gutted. still cannot believe it worked, i'm just coming off cloud cuckoo land!!!!!!!

moral is dont give in as you cant say it is over till it really it is over.

at the dark days last week i read my original post from 1st attempt and was crying reading posts as i so wanted this to happen for both of us. really pls any1 reading this post dont give in....... wheres theres a glimmer there is life. 

take care x


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## Hayleigh (Apr 29, 2008)

Hoopy xx HERE HERE!! couldn't agree more take care xxx
Hayleighxx


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