# Anyone have direct contact with BPs?



## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi...yet another question from me? ! you guys are soo helpful

Anyway ...possible linking no2...comes with annual direct contact with birth mother. 

IS any one else experiencing this? If so how is it ? Or is it quite uncommon?

I know its something that SWs are very hot on presently, but haven't noticed many of you out there have direct contact...

Please let me know your experiences

Thanks everso
HHH


----------



## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Seems very unusual to me?

Not something I have read or heard about before, my personal feeling is that this is not something i would want,saying that i do strongly advocate a one off meeting. We met with pooh bears birth mum and hope to do the same with pinky.


PBMx


----------



## rosielee (Jan 27, 2006)

hi hhh,

this is question me and my dh have gone over quite abit and how it would make us feel.
our circumstances are slightly diferent, as we are hoping to adopt 2 brothers who are distant family members. so fortunately we dont have to go through alot of the proces but because we see the bm at the very rare wedding and funeral i asked sw about this and how should it be dealt with, her advice is that she will draw up a plan for us to follow and that eventually the only contact with bp is letterbox contact. because of the reasons the boys are in fc at the moment and sw wants them to be adopted for their own health and happiness if they was to have contact with bp then they would still be disrupted by their lifestyle. always feels like im blabbing on when i type   so hope this makes some sense for you. hope all goes well for you though hun, im sure if you are required to maintain some level of contact you will give your child the sense of security for it to not cause distress or upheaval. good luck and enjoy 
rosie xxx


----------



## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi,
On our prep course there was an adoptive mum who came to speak who had fairly regular direct contact with her daughters BM, she felt it was helpful, but also made it clear that she would end it at any point if she felt it was detrimental to her daughter. The think to remember about contact is that once you have formally adopted the little one then you have a choice in weather you want to continue contact in whatever form it comes. Saying that I think that direct contact is fairly uncommon and I would make sure that I was very clear why it was felt in the childs best interest, my feeling very strongly is that all contact decisions should be in the childs interest not to make things easier for the BP's.
Like PBM we had a one off meeting with our little ones BP's which we really valued, I think that for them to meet yearly with the BP's would be very unsettling though!
Viva
XXX


----------



## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

Blimey don't get me started on this one.  Our two came with the caveat of annual direct contact with BF, including BM, siblings and grandad. Without exception every SW we have spoken to has mumbled, buried their heads in their paperwork and generally avoided the subject when we have tried to pin down why this is felt to be in our childrens best interest. They're standard reply is that when we legally adopt the children it is up to us to decide if we want to continue with the direct contact. This sounds to me as if they are saying - direct contact is the current flavour of the month, it is being used to appease BF and make adoption proceedings less likely to be contested.

Our two miss their BF very much and have lots of love and loyalty towards them. Despite this I would argue that at this point in their lives direct contact is not in their best interests. They can not live with BF, a court has decided that adoption is in their best interests and based on what was said to our two by BF at their last contact visit before placement I feel that BF will only try to undermine the adoption.

Dh and I talk this dilemma around and around and every time we reach a different conclusion about what is best for the children.

This is what an adoption psychologist said to me about direct contact the other day:-

adoptive children miss, love and want to know their BF. Children are wanting to start the search and reunion part of adoption at an earlier age as a part of establishing their identlty. For children that do not have direct contact this can become a huge issue in their teenage years. However, in 90% of cases if she says to them "OK here is the name and address of your BF would you like me to set up a meeting for you?" suddenly they are not so keen. It seems that it is sometimes more about being *allowed* to see BF than actually wanting to."

Its a huge subject with many viewpoints. Personally I would like to erase from my childrens minds the memories of the first 5 years of their lives, undo all the emotional and pyhsical harm that has been done to them, take them back to babyhood and start again. Instead I have to wrestle with all these complicated issues. 

Sorry to be so outspoken and hope I haven't offended anyone.

Sanita


----------



## superal (May 27, 2005)

I have heard of direct contact with birth parents & it is not unusual.

I knew of a lady who did direct contact once a year with her DD birth mum but it was just the 2 mums who met up not the girl.

I also know of families who have been asked to do direct contact with BPS once a year.

What you have to ask yourself is what will the children benefit from this meeting.................in my mind & this is just my opinion.............they would be confused maybe come agitated & you may find they revert back to "bad" habits (bad behaviour, bed wetting, those kind of things)

Sanita you have not offended any one, you have told it as it is & I have to agree with you.  All you want is the best for your children & you are the responsible for their care and love them to bits, you are doing a fantastic job even though you feel your not being rewarded.

love
Andrea
xx


----------



## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi,
Sanita, I couldn't agree more with Andrea you have not offended anyone and I absolutely agree with all you said. I would not have agreed to direct contact though realise that each case has to be judged on it's own. Viva I am being abit dim here but I hadn't quite realised once the adoption was legal it was up to you what contact continued, I thought what everyone had agreed upon was in place and that was it!
JD x


----------



## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Sanita- you havent offended anyone - like everyone has said you have just been honest.

JillDill- we have been told by our LA that even if we agree to letter box contact even before the children are legally ours they can not make us do it, so we could say yes and then change our minds and our LA cant do anything about it as its an an informal agreement(the ones we dont have yet......or even know about) 

HHH- very instresting topic you have brought up- i had never heard of having direct contact with BF/BP

xxx


----------



## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Well thanks for all the replies girls....

It's certainly worth having lots of different viewpoints - and in no way offensive sanita!

I will definitely be using the 'what benefit does this have for the child?' question when meeting SWs next week, as I too superal feel that the contact may be agitating and disruptive to the new life of a child.

Hey ho - we ticked it as one of the boxes we would consider on our form F.... and now we do really have to consider it!

Thanks again for replies
HHH


----------



## rosielee (Jan 27, 2006)

good luck hhh,
you will have to post back and let us know what sw says to your question, it would be interesting to know what a "proessional" opinion is. 
as for offending........... how could anyone possibly be offended by someone puting a child first,  thats why we are all here, even if we dont have a child at present we still know our morals and what kind of parent we want to be. keep up the good work  
rosie xx


----------



## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

So we met with the child's social worker and asked why direct contact.

Child has been in foster care for all but 8 days of life and always had contact with BM. SW said direct contact had been decided on as BM non-invasive and supporting the adoption plan.

So there you go ladies that was the offical line.

I have to say DH says he is very happy to do this and doesn;t see it as a problem. It's annual direct contact and annual letter box. So twice a year we will have to think about this child's birth family. Doesn't sit that well with me - but not hugely anti. At least it will mean the child can have questions answered and will never have to wonder about his BM. And i guess we always knew this could be a situation that could arise- just every 6 mnths ?! Ah well decisions, decisions!


HHH


----------



## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi HHH

Best of luck with this decision.  I always think if you know from the beginning you just get used to the situation and deal with it.  We will never be able to forget about our LO's birth family, it's always there... but on a day to day basis you totally forget they are adopted. 

My concerns would be when they are older and seeing BM could affect them, but at that stage the ball would firmly be in your court to make the right decision for your child.

Let us know what you decide.  How old is LO??

Carole xx


----------



## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Barbarella

LO is 11 mnths!!!!!

Waiting for appt to see medical adviser.............

Hopefully early Jan, trying not to get too excited ( Yeh right!!)


----------



## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

OMG how fantastic... keeping everything crossed for you both..
     Carole xx


----------

