# How have you changed?



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi there - me again! Got so many questions today hope you don't mind me popping them on your thread.

I just wanted to ask those of you who have successfully adopted, how this has changed any difficult hormonal feelings of grief you may have had each period before you adopted, especially for those of who went through years of failed treatment and for whom discovered it wasn't possible to ever conceive.  

Does the pain and sense of loss at each period still haunt so deeply and so regularly once you are well down the adopted road? Or is it a case that life is just soooo busy bringing up your new family that the those down times just don't have such a hold or the time to be so prevalent?? 

I know that people aren't allowed to start appling to adopt until a significant time has passed since any tx has finished, because it is essential to have come to some fairly stable level of coping and acceptance of your own loss, but as those of us who are unable to ever have our own children know, the reality is you never get over it, you just have to learn to live with it, and so I would imagine the pesky hormones can still play havoc with some people each month even when you finally have a family to care for via adoption

Look forward to hearing peoples experiences on this issue.
Love
Hippy
xxxx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi Hippy

Well I think it is so individual... but from my point of view, I have totally accepted I won't have my own child... (brief history - ttc 9 yrs ago.. completely unexplained, 1 IVF, 1 FET... started adoption process 2 years ago.. just matched with 7 month old baby girl ).

For me.. the further into the process I got.. the more I got over not being able to have my own child.  It could have been the new focus.. but even at times when there's not much going on (which there are many in this process), I still haven't been upset at period time for well over a year, maybe longer.   I did get a twinge in April this year when 2 mods on a website I am a part of had their baby girls a few weeks apart, and we had just been approved... it feels now like it was the last of the bad feeling as a close friend of mine had a baby in May... I went through her baby shower at work... I am his Godmother and I didn't get a twinge once.. or even contemplated getting upset.  It just didn't occur to me until a week after the christening and I thought "OMG, I didn't even think about getting upset...". It was a great moment...  

I am so happy adopting... dh and I fully believe that this was the reason for our "unexplained" infertility and we feel we are on the right path.  We've felt like that for quite a long time, but more so when we started the home study last November.  Everything about adoption has felt right, as opposed to IVF which felt totally wrong for us, but we did it anyway.  We were adamant we weren't going to do more than 1 full cycle... despite pressure from other people to just try another go.

I now find myself in the position of panicking if my period is late.. because both dh and I do not want to lose our little girl.. because we've been careless... which sounds ridiculous after 8 yrs of desperate ttc. 

I am very good at working things through and analysing in life, and I have to find a reason for everything.  The worse part for me in the 8 yrs of ttc was the not knowing why.  As far as I'm concerned, we now have our reason... and she comes in the shape of a 7 month old baby girl, born to someone else, but born especially for us...  .

HTH...

Cx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Barbarella

Totally agree with everything yo have said in your post, brought a tear to my eye when i read your last bit.......about the reason for your unexplained infertility  

I love my 2 to bits and don't think about "what ifs".  Adoption was the right step forward for us and I have no stretch marks, had no morning sickness, didn't loose my figure, well not from being pg anyway!!

I think most people will agree that once they have adopted or have started the adoption process the pain of the dreaded time of month becomes easier to live with.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Thank you so much for your replies they have given me such hope.

Love
Hippy
xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

I agree totally with both Barberella and Andrea, since decing to adopt i haven't looked back and my periods don't bother me at all. also i had to laugh at Barberella's quote



> I now find myself in the position of panicking if my period is late.. because both dh and I do not want to lose our little girl.. because we've been careless... which sounds ridiculous after 8 yrs of desperate ttc.


i have pcos so periods can be irregular and i recently skipped a period and was absolutely  that i was pg ad them taking my precious boy away, i held off testing as the final hearing was looming but luckily my af arrived just after court date so it was probably stress related 

pam xx

P.s i just realised i actually thought myself lucky to get af  never thought i would see that day


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Hippy

Ironically Aunti Flo is paying a visit at the moment.  We were ttc for 9 years before we changed to adoption and like Barbarella we were unexplained.  Although I did managed to get pg with ICSI I had a m/c at 11 weeks.  Like the others I have totally accepted that I am not meant to have my own child and, having adopted our DS, he has been a joy and a blessing (well most of the time   ) that I wouldn't be without.  

That said, perhaps unlike the others, it wouldn't upset me to become pg as I do occasionally feel a bit wistful at this time.  This is because in the 20 months he has been with us he has grown up so much and become so independent that I find myself becoming broody for the little baby he used to be.  I will be honest and say that  this is part of the reason that we are planning to adopt a second.  I want to make it clear that I do not feel wistful because I want a baby physically born to me, and given my age it is unlikely to happen, but purely because I want another "littlie" to cuddle.  To me my DS is and will always be my first "baby" and I often call him "my baby boy", only he tends to respond by saying "Mummy, I'm a little boy not a baby!"   

We might not have physically carried these children and pushed them out of our bodies (which can be rather uncomfortable anyway  ) but in every other way they are ours. If a miracle happened and I ever did do a Cherie Blair and become pg in my mid 40's then I would love that child no more or less than I love my DS.

Also, you are right in saying, we are far too busy to think of things that might have been    

Best of luck with your journey.

Cindy


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi Cindy, i didn't mean to imply that i would be upset if i became pg i would love another baby (genetic or adopted), just that at the moment i would find it difficult to cope as ds is only 8 months old and as he has just started crawling i would worry that if i go pg now i would be too tired and struggle to cope. my dh suggested i go on the pill (as although i have pcos i am still classed as unexplained) so that there is no way i could get pg but i refused and said if it happens it happens we will find a way to cope.

pam xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Hi Hippy

we are now over 18 months from our last IUI (just approved, no children placed yet) and i dont even blink when AF shows up, after so many years of not even a sniff of a preg i think I just got used to the inevitable every month.. But if I'm totally honest, because we are 'unexplained' I still wonder now and then if it will happen to us (people have said 'ooh you know what will happen now dont you? you'll get a child and then fins out your preg, that happened to my friends cousins sister' ) sure we've all heard the stories) but I'm not holding a candle for it at all. If it happened of course it would be wonderful but if it doesnt well thats fine. I honestly dont think it will anyway.
I think of my IF as like a balloon on the end of a very long string.....most of the time its waaaay up in the sky behind the clouds but now and again (like a preg announcement) it seems a bit closer but it soon flies off again. its been a very long time since I've felt like the ballooon is right in front of my face and i cant get away from it, which is what is was like for qite a few years. that all sounds a bit 'therapy-ish' but hope it makes sense  What I'm trying to say is I think it will always be there, a part of me, and our relationship, but ttc doesnt feature in my everyday life anymore.. we simply dont think about it..such a relief!

I could have written Barbarella's words myself about there being a reason for everything..hopefully soon we will meet our little 'reason'

kj x


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

I agree with Pam... my worries about getting pg now are purely down to circumstances with our future dd.  We would be mortified if someone now said we couldn't have her because we were pg.  I just find it totally ironic that I am now panicking about af rather than wishing her away...  

I would love to get pg in the future, when our dd is a little older and we've had time to enjoy her... but I don't yearn for that any more. If it happened, that would be fantastic... if not, we'll adopt again.  I know I can go through life now without getting pregnant... but I couldn't have gone through life without being a parent.

I think the point was that it just isn't the main focus any more and af isn't painful (not emotionally anyway... lol).  It DOES get easier.. much easier... and adoption is that fabulous reason. 

Lovely to see so many ladies feel the same way.


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi 

I have to agree with everyone's comments on here.  Feel a bit weird about it all at the moment as we've just found out baby #4 might on the cards.  #3 is adopted by someone else and we have been told #4 (if it is true) will go there.  Whilst I would love a littlie we always said we only wanted to have 2 children and given the RAD with my eldest my efforts need to be with her.

I deal with pg women all the time at work (part of being the HR bod!) and I can honestly say it does'nt bother me.

Nice to see a similar train of thought amongst us all.

Karen x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hiya

Yes I too agree with everything that's been said. Almost 18months since our daughter came home, I feel completely free of "being infertile". Infact I usually am surprised when someone mentions it, because I forget, especially that DD hasn't always been ours. To us, she is ours and always has been. 
It's been 3 years on 5th Nov since my last ET and I must admit that I have some moments of reflection when I hear fireworks go off. It's purely memories of that time in my life. Certainly no regrets. I'd do everything the same again to have what we've been blessed with now. 

Plus, you find you're too busy being a Mum to worry about anything else!!

x


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

THANK YOU to all of you for replying, to hear so many of you say that the emotional pain associated with periods just evaporates after adoption has been soooo encouraging to hear. KJ - I loved your balloon analogy what a beautiful and very accurate way of describing the situ.

At present with it only being six months after my tx had to end,  I am still in the very raw and dark phases of adjusting to my forever empty womb future, but to know that if DH and I do decide to apply to adopt in a years time, those dark clouds will lessen dramatically has given me such hope and excitement that things will get less intense than they now are.

Huge hugs to all of you for taking the time to share your honest thoughts on this topic xxxx

Love
Hippy
xxxxxx


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