# Stuck between a rock and a hard place



## Jupiter2 (Jan 22, 2011)

I'm at my wits end and have no idea what to do next. Dh and I are on two different pages and I can't see a way out of it.

Dh is pushing for DE and I'm simply not ready. I'm trying but the fact is, I may never be ready. The only reason I'm even considering it is because dh wants it.

We had our last embryo transfer (we had been banking) last August. It didn't work. Dh informed me that now that I had had my chance, it was now his chance and I need to "take one for the team".

I was crushed to learn that he saw the last 3.5 years as "my" chance and not "our" chance. Our chance to have our own baby, one that is part of both of us. Looking back, I now remember that he wanted to go straight to DE because chances with my eggs were low. He didn't want to adopt, he wanted his own child. I flat out told him no way, I'm trying with my own eggs before I can even consider using DE. That didn't work and now I'm left with only DE. Frankly, I have huge issues with it. I wanted counselling but couldn't find a counselor who specialized in infertility until recently. She's the only infertility counselor in our area and I'm very thankful she finally popped up after weeks of searching. Dh didn't want to go because he didn't want to spend the money but I insisted. Our marriage has issues that needed to be addressed and then there are my issues with DE. 

Through this counselling, I've asked dh two questions: 1--Why are you willing to put me in a position you are not willing to be in yourself (he had stated he wouldn't use donor sperm many times nor will he adopt); and 2--If we never have children, are you going to stay with me or leave?

For question number 1, he says it's not a fair question because he can have his own genetic child and I can't. Since he can, I'm his wife and I'm supposed to help him do that. He says I am sacrificing nothing because I can't have my own genetics anyway. For question number 2, he said he needs to think about it. Then he said it's not a fair question because he needs to know what my decision is before he will know what to do. 

Maybe I'm wrong but I think these are pretty straight forward questions. I wouldn't ask anyone, least of all my husband, to do something I'm not willing to do myself. I also think I would know whether or not keeping my marriage or having a child is more important. To me, the marriage wins, hands down. All I'm asking is to know whether he feels that way, too. He did finally say that he wants both and that it was like asking him which eye he wanted to loose. It makes me feel as if our existing marriage doesn't outweigh a possible future child. If that's how he feels, fair enough. I just need to know. I didn't wait till 46 to find the "right one" to be married to someone who is willing to sacrifice my well-being so he can have what he wants at all costs.

He now says that since the 6 hours of counselling we have had doesn't seem to have changed my mind, we should only go for 6 more hours. Then I have to make up my mind because counselling costs too much money. He says he doesn't want to wait any longer. He also says that if I don't agree to use DE, he is afraid he will hate me in 20 years. I'm afraid if I do use DE, I might resent him.

I feel as if there is no good decision. If I don't agree to DE, I'm putting my marriage in jeopardy because there is a very real possibility he will leave me. Of course, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me or will only be with me if I agree to have a DE child. If I do agree to use DE, I feel I'm being pushed to do something I don't want and am not being given the time to deal with the grief and issues. I believe this could cause huge resentment down the road toward dh and possibly even the child, neither of which I want to do. 

I feel like life is laughing in my face at my audacity to think that I had a chance at happiness. So I ask you fellow IF sufferers: What is my best course of action here? Insist on more counselling? Make his decision of whether to stay or go for him? I love him, but I'm starting to question the depth of his love for me. It makes me really nervous to have my own dh tell me that I should help him have his child and the fact that I don't want to do DE should be beside the point. He's sure I'll be fine once the baby comes.


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## simone546 (Dec 25, 2011)

Hi Jupiter,



OK, so I think your husband is being incredibly selfish...and you are justified in feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. I think we all want to hear that the most important thing is us and a ds or dd is just a bonus. 

I also think that rather than letting your oh's wishes control the situation, you need to figure out what you want. Could you be happy without children or would you be happier with ed or adoption? Once you've decided on that then go back to your husband and let him know. Its your body, you would carry the child. But perhaps you've got crossed wires and he thinks you would be happier if you did ed, but because of the way its come across it seems like he's putting that before you.

Wishing you all the best and a positive outcome

Xxx


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Jupiter

 for you.  IF and the treatment is stressful enough without you and DH seeming to have such differing thoughts about your next steps.

As Jessica says, think about ultimately what it is you want.  Have the consultants advised you that you need to consider DE yet?  

Unfortunately in life things are rarely straightforward and your DH's attitude is only making a painful situation worse for you both.  

In a way I can also see this situation from your husbands perspective as our issues are male factor, my DH and I have had to have many conversations about the possibility of not being able to conceive a child that is genetically both mine and his and that has been very very hard.  What we have done is come up with a plan for us, seek as much medical advice as possible and both be willing to compromise.

Ultimately I love my DH very very much and any decisions we make have to be right for us both - I will not put him under pressure to use DS if he doesn't want to but I have said that I would want to look into adoption if he doesn't want to go down DS route - he is willing to look into both these options if we should need to and the fact that he is open to this is vital for us and our relationship.

I wish I had answers or could wave a magic wand for you - good luck.

Dory
xxx


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## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Oh Jupiter   

I'm sorry but unfair questions Unfair ANSWERS I'd say  

I don't like to cast aspersions but OH seems to be outrageously selfish! It seems to me he hasn't considered your feelings at all in this... a little dickensian in attitude. May be that's his way of handling the uncertainty of the situation? We all have a self preservation mode. 

I think i would have to push for more counselling, for both of you. There's obviously a lot more to talk about than just DE. 

You must first of all think about what YOU want because ultimately you'll have to live with that decision. I don't envy you this situation and i really feel for you  

I agree that a males perspective is different for a man but you need to be singing from the same hymn sheet in terms of what you both want.

DH and I have always wanted children but considering our age children would be a blessing and a bonus..if it didn't happen yes we'd be devastated, but still have each other. 

I really hope that you can both find answers and peace.

Take care
Essie xx


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