# BP posting photos on ********



## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Apologies if this subject has been covered before.  

We had our wonderful LO placed with us 2 weeks ago.  All is going well and we are really starting to settle into life together as a family. I have been feeling really positive about LO and am starting to feel like her real mummy.  

Yesterday, after a conversation about ******** with a  friend I made the mistake of searching for LO BM on ********.  I found her straight away because her profile picture is a very recent photo of LO.  There are also literally hundreds of photos of LO and updates that almost suggest LO is still there.  There were also some very sexually explicit posts about BM current social life.  There are no security settings on her account,  anybody can view these pics and read the updates.

I so wish I hadn't looked.  Our contact arrangements involve sending BM a photo once a year,  there is absolutely no way I am prepared to do this now I've seen the ** page.  We are also supposed to be meeting BM once LO is settled, I feel at the moment like I know far more about this young women than I should and I dread meeting her.  Also worried that she may use any information we give her to update ** info.

Do we admit that we have been browsing to SW and tell her what we've found.  I'm also so worried about LO finding her BM in a few years,  the information on these pages was so inappropriate, how can we keep LO safe and protected.  I actually feel ill with worrying about this now.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

yes i would cough up to SS what you have found..most normal adopters have searched for BP's   you need to tell them to add weight to your argument that you now want to re-think your letterbox agreement. lots of LA's are reviewing the policies of late due to this sort of thing. maybe she will get some support on how to use her privacy setting to keep herself safe/more private  


try not to look too far into the future..your LO looking on ** is a long long way ahead..things will have moved on..hopefully BM will have too and her ** may not look like it does now..


dont look at her pages just now, you dont need to be thinking about her at this point, concentrate on your new family  


((hugs))


kj x


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi Jules, firstly congratulations on your first few weeks with your lo.
As for BM ** posting pictures, I would be on the phone to your SW asap.
She has no right posting pictures of a child that is no longer in her care, he/she is now YOUR child and you need to do what ever you can to protect him/her. 
You will not be the first or the last person to search for bp on **, your SW will properly expect you to (well ours did).
Also make it clear after seeing this you will not be doing yearly pictures but are happy to do letters.
I hope this matter gets cleared asap for you and your lo.

Skyblu.xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

There's nothing wrong with searching for a BP on ********.  I told our SW's I'd searched for Wyxling's to look for photos (they didn't have any of her birth father and had completely lost track of him).  However, be aware that if you visit the page several times, it may suggest you to her as a friend!

SW should try and get them removed.  Post adoption order, it's easy, ** will take them straight down for you as she has no right to post them.  I have had several photos of Wyxling removed by **, and each time it took less than 24 hours.

Congratulations on your new family, I hope things are going well!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I'd tell SS straight away too. I keep an eye on our LOs BPs and there are loads of of pictures - like you, our LO is the profile pic.  From the posts BPs write you'd think the children were still in their care, it's pretty common for them to take the denial approach. What was good was we downloaded pics of LO just born which we never would have access to otherwise. I took the positives, but I keep an eye. I don't have an account so use one that isn't mine and is linked to someone's work so if it did suggest the account as a friend, it would mean nothing to BPs.


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks all for the tips.  Especially the warning that ** may suggest us as a friend. Hadn't realised   

We are seeing SW on Thursday so will raise the issue then.  

If i'm honest I think I was shocked by the posts that suggested LO was still there  "Just got the cutest outfit for LO" type comments  .  My head knows that BM hasn't seen LO for 10 months and even then only in a supervised setting and LO has never lived with BM.  I think it all spooked me a bit, i'm not easily shocked but reading graphic details of somebody's "personal" life next to a post about our LO did shock me  .

We have discovered that after the Adoption Order is sorted we are not obliged to send photos or even continue with letterbox contact if we consider it to be a threat to LO.  That has made me feel a little easier about the situation.  The reality of how easy it could be to trace LO or for LO to trace BF is a worry for the future.

Jules xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

If your child's BPs have photos from the time that the child was in their care (and this probably includes when in FC and having contact though you should check that) they do have the right to post these on **.

I too would love to have a picture of BF but need to try and avoid looking at her profile too much, I was thinking of maybe creating a new profile just for that purpose actually.


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Oh my this is the issue of the month for us!! We searched found a awful amount of photos and conversation on lots of peoples profiles.  Alot!!!! We freaked, still are and are now pursuing it with both adoption teams. 
You have absolutely nothing to fear or to be criticised for looking. It is your complete right so do not feel crap when telling sw. 
We are so fearful now that they are obviously intent on finding and hunting these children down that we may change both their first names as well as surnames!!! We hope to get some legal advice also!!
Congratulations and good luck x x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Fran I think the surnames get changed automatically on adoption to yours...might be wrong, but I understand that we will be given a new birth cert with us listed as parents and LO has our surname. This definitely happened for a friend, I saw the new birth certs. What a worry for you though! I hope they let you change the names for security. I do worry too, and am changing one name as the two together when my second is placed in autumn are too distinctive and would be easily traced. Plus looking at their friends list, the six degrees of separation is live and kicking, so we need to be careful.


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi Mummyelf yes the surnames automatically get changed thankfully. I just want them to take this seriously. I dont want ti feel like I have to look around me all the time and check on stuff. Just been talking to a friend and she had similar problems year ago with her adoption although pre ******** but still stalking and they got a court injunction so that is another option.  Dont want to react in a chaotic manner but itnis worrying, will we ever be a normal adopted family x x x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Just keep emphasising your concerns - both you and SS want what's best for the children and they have to take your concerns seriously. Yes an injunction would be worst case scenario, but I'd totally do it if I was worried. No one wants to spend their life looking over their shoulder. I will feel more relaxed when LO is a bit older and has physically changed as ** is plastered with pics taken just before she came to us. In a year she will look very different. I think we all worry about the BPs tracking us down, but I guess statistically its rare. I actually asked the question on our prep course about meeting BPs and the risk to seeing them again, but they said its not happened in their experience, as the meeting is emotional and out of that context where they just meet you once, with time passing they won't recognise you. The likelihood of being in the same place at the same time is slim.


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Frangipanii,

Your situation sounds really difficult.  We had a link fall through in March because the LO had BF who had threatened to find the child,  the BF lived within 10 miles of us so it was considered too big a risk.  At that time we asked if we could change LO name, it was like we had suggested plastic surgery, the sharp intake of breath from SW involved   , very patronisingly we were asked to consider the importance of the childs identity.  Clearly more important than their safety  .

It seems that SW's are so far behind the times with social media they really don't appreciate the risks.  We talked to SW briefly about BM ******** page today.  We were basically dismissed, told that in a few years the pictures will be out of date and BM will probably lose interest.  Cant say we're at all re-assured, for a number of reasons we are going to push for AO a soon as possible and get the sw out of our's and lo life.  I have seen nothing to suggest that LO will benefit from continuing to see her box ticking SW.


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Interesting how behind the times social workers can be. They have acknowledge there is a possibility of name change but that's it other than that we get no reassurance at all. And we get the same line you did....ah they will get bored of it. Wow. I think identity is crucial but as u say security is far more important. .these kids have been taken away for a reason. I find the birth families are given far too much respect for my liking!!! 
I do hope you ao comes through asap and then you can be a real family!!! We are so worried it always going to be  about being an adopted family! But thats just me I suppose.  
We are going to get our own legal advice if we dont feel we are getting far enough, I am not going to be a push over! 
Thanks Jules gl x x x x


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks Fran,

Just need to keep smiling and jumping through hoops until they allow us to apply, hopefully in 8 weeks time.  After that we'll be making the decisions for our daughter.  I have sympathy for BM, she didn't have a great start in life, but our job is to protect our LO. 

Very best of luck with your link,  a friend who is a SW advised that we agree to everything SW ask until AO is granted.  After that we make our own decisions, I understand that could include a change of name if considered the right thing to do for LO.  Maybe you could consider that approach.

Jules xx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Jules, Generally I have quite a lot of empathy for people but not in this case. But I understand why people would in others. Protection is the whole point to this isnt it. We have sent our email asking politely and gently for a little more force but recognise is we dont get it then we have to 'play the game' and do things later. Fingers crossed hey?!? 8 weeks time...it will go fast, lets hope so for both our sakes. 
Xxxxx


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