# 46 last chance with DE IVF, but DH diagnosed with cancer



## FluffyUnicorn (Aug 2, 2018)

Hello wise fertility friends,

I am 46, TTC number 2 since 2016.

I conceived my now 7 yo boy easily, but after that suffered secondary infertility, had 5 miscarriages since 2016 including 1 x IVF with own (2018, and 1x DE (2019).

The complicated mc from the DE attempt meant that it took me a year to recover, and when I could try again the pandemic struck and getting to our clinic in North Cyprus was impossible. Unfortunately several cycles were aborted due to travel advice changes/ borders closing/ other life events.

However I am now booked and ready to go next week, but husband has now serious seconds thoughts.

DH was diagnosed in April with acute leukemia (a form of aggressive blood cancer) and has finished a 6 months grueling course of chemo. Although he has responded fairly well, it has, understandably, changed his outlook on having another child. Not only does he fear he won't be around, but also he doesn't want to be a 68yo father to a 20 yo child.

I am absolutely heartbroken - we tried for number 2 since 2016, eventually moving on to DE. I find it very hard to let go of this opportunity, especially after all the stop and go and stop and go. Of course the cancer diagnosis was a big shock - I don't think I have dealt with that yet properly as the thought of not growing old together is incomprehensible.

I guess it is not ideal to parent a teenager in your 60s, but on the other hand I would really like a sibling for my 7 yo. DH is very anxious that he might leave two children behind should the worst happen. He said it would be extremely unfair to the prospective child to lumber it with old and infirm parents. Plus no grandparents around. He is quite happy with the three of us, although he feels regret at not having more. However, unlike me, he doesn't feel incomplete (if that makes sense).

Has anyone else gone through this dilemma? I am pretty healthy at the moment, but who knows what the future holds! I am also worried about negative comments re my age - I started on the IVF journey at 42, and time passed quickly with unsuccessful attempts and the pandemic, and am now 46.

I was really looking forward to trying again and to enjoy a second child without the pressure of exams and employment worries. I am not sure I am prepared to let go, but also can't override DH in this.

Annoyingly for once all my parameters are looking good, good endometrium thickness etc.

I guess from the outside it looks like an easy decision - 2 old parents, one with a life limiting disease, one child - done. And I would look completely crazy/ selfish/ irresponsible if I did it and it worked. Neither of our families were supportive of our first DE attempt, so I am not expecting a great hurrah from that side, either.

Is it time to move on? Do I need to stop banging my head against the brickwall?

Any thoughts appreciated. Apologies for rambling on!

And thank you for reading.


----------



## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

Hi, I am sorry to read your story. I can't help with personal experiences, and myself I know families who decided to have only one child and those who had their babies a year before their retirement. In all cases decision-making process was very difficult, and did not satisfy one side. Good luck with any route you will choose. x


----------



## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

No experience with cancer but wanted to send lots of love and hugs. Have you had any counselling at all? I guess lots of fertile people probably don’t really think about this and not everyone thinks about their kids at 20/30 or all aspects of their needs. Part of me thinks that love and kindness is most important and one parent can give this but appreciate if you “can’t override your partner” then maybe a supportive counsellor or friend can help you through this disappointment ❤❤❤❤


----------



## FluffyUnicorn (Aug 2, 2018)

Thank you both miamiamo and Rio2016 for your kind words! Like you said Rio2016 I never thought of my child as a 20 or 30 year old as our age was never really an issue before - we thought we would just get on with it and see what happens. However DHs diagnosis changed this - he is well aware that he is not going to see the teenage years. I have spoken to a counsellor, and she was very good - she completely understood the situation and gently suggested that now was not a good time, however, she also stressed that it doesn't have to be 'now or never'. Park it and re-start in a few months. I am so worn out thinking about it all. And you are quite right Rio2016, this is a very big disappointment. How do you stop after all these years of emotional investment?


----------



## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

I hope your clinic is okay to pause the treatment too. The park it idea sounds like a good one from your counsellor.

Has your husband got anyone to speak to?

Can you plan any nice family things (appreciate with cancer, Covid etc maybe tricky) or for you and your son in the coming weeks? Or some relaxing time for you. Xxx


----------

