# struggling big style!



## angel_lass

Hi so we are now 4 weeks down the line and when does this get any easier? I hate to say I'm regretting it but I kinda feel a wee bit that way, she sleeps great and is on the whole a nice well mannered toddler but both DH and I aren't coping very well. DH told me he's not sure his can manage it but I know deep down he wants to but he is still grieving for his mum who only passed away. I think he will feel better going back to work on Monday for the routine. But since hisdisclosure I feel so much worse like I need to take on the parenting role myself to get him over the hump of this feeling. Any advice please?


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## becs40

Angel lass, not really any advice from experience as our lo has only been home 2 weeks and is much younger. Didn't want to read and run but I'm quite sure you're feelings are perfectly normal. It's a massive change to our lives and no matter how much you want it or think you're ready the reality is flipping hard. Added the pressures of the perfect family images around xmas etc and the loss of mil I'm sure you're doing brilliantly. This is a little stranger still in your house and think how hard it is to have even family stay for any time. I'm sure it will get easier for you as you really get to know each other. Mean whilst I'm sure the "fake it until you make it" advice is very tried and tested by many! Good luck, maybe you too will find it easier with dh going back to work that you then get into your own routines etc and more 1-2-1 time.


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## Flash123

Angel, huge huge hugs to you my lovely. Our wee man was 8 months old when he came home and I can honestly say for about the first 2 months I didn't know my name let alone what day of the week it was. People say we were utterly shell shocked. There were most definitely times when dh felt he could have walked away and I too started to believe we couldn't cope. Dh very much struggled becoming a dad and i understand completely that you feel you need to do more and step up to the mark. i felt i needed to protect him from many of he 'challenges' and so kept many of the toughies to myself. At only 8 months he was a stubborn, obstinate, hyperactive  little being that whatever we did it wasn't good enough. Dh mum died 8 months into our placement and that put a completely different set of pressures onto an already delicate situation. Fast forward 18 months and he is now 27 months and adoption is the best/hardest/most rewarding/challenging (insert any of the above!) thing we have ever done BUT and it's a huge BUT. A TODDLER!!!!!! There are times when he is utterly horrid and if I'm honest extremely difficult to like. I can't tell you the times we have said if we were adopting him now we would have given him back. I know many toddlers are delightful but I think it's their job and therefore part of their job description to make life as hard as possible.
The only way I coped in the beginning was to plan with military precision on an hour to hour basis and give myself a huge pat on the back if I achieved it. This included things like get him dressed, get me dressed, give him a snack, get out for a walk. I will never underestimate how tough these basics were.  take ANY help I was offered and totally lose any expectation of what life should be like.

Any sense of pride had to be lost as I can't tell you how many trips to the park I have made without hair brushed - if clothes are cleaned it a bonus, ironed PAHHHHHHH! 
I kid you not - yesterday morning was such hell (for his own safety)  I bundled wee man into the car in his pj at 11.30, me in a onesie and drove till he fell asleep. This was followed by Maccy D drive through which I fed him for the front of the car. You do what needs to be done to survive.
CBEEBIES and DVD are a godsend for your sanity and I bought one for the back of the car - something I had always said I would never do. 

There is a huge thread about the difficult times on here, it gotta me through many a middle of the night crisis.

Take care, be kind to yourself and belief that you can do this. You are going through an exceptionally hard time - grief, Christmas and early placement. Things won't always be like this xxxxx


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## Sun Flower

Hi
I just wanted to say I agree with the other posts, please be kind to yourself, take all of the support and help that is on offer and remember to take one day at a time.

Flash - your post is wonderful and honest, thanks for sharing xx


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## angel_lass

Hi girls thank you so much for the very detailed and honest responses. Well DD and I went out ourselves today and we went to Next, M&S and KFC for lunch. I feel so guilty as she is so cute and gorgeous everyone talks to her everywhere we go. I now feel awful as DH has taken her to the swings and now I'm on edge in case he has a bad time of it or she challenges him in anyway   in saying that I'm enjoying the break lying on my bed on FF with a coffee


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## Poppets Mammy

Poppet was 2yr 7months when she came home, that was almost 2yr ago. She's our world and brings us soooooo much joy every single day. I miss her greatly when she's at school. I talk about her constantly and prob drive my colleagues and friends crazy with it   everything I do is for her, I literally breath for her, I'm totally consumed with adoration and love for her. I have to remind myself to take time for myself and 'be and adult' as I often forget. Life with poppet is wonderful.
However . . . At first it was hard work. She was confused, grieved her FC, wouldn't sleep, was tired and ratty and tantrumed a lot. It gets better, slowly at first but all of a sudden you realise that each day isn't so hard and your not faking as much. Then it keeps getting better and you soon forget life before them and your world adjusts and becomes 'normal'. Hang in there, sounds like you are doing great so far, enjoy Mammy daughter trips out they were crucial in developing mine and Poppets relationship. If your husband is grieving his mother (sorry for your loss) then he's got two seperate issues to deal with that may be getting jumbled up together and making his perspective of life with LO seem a bit worse than it is. Support each other, get little breaks when you can and work towards that light at the end of the tunnel because when you get there it's soooo bright and worth every hard moment up until then   xx


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## bulmer

Hi
Its not easy and having adopted two LOs aged 12 months and 3 I found the 3 year old much harder at the beginning. I have to admit she wasn't difficult, she slept well, ate well and showed no obvious signs of grieving for FC or BF but I still found it very hard.  I think 3 is a difficult age for adoption - old enough to have some awareness of what is happening but not old enough to understand it or to really talk about it in a way that makes sense.  The 12 month old was a walk in the park compared to her big sister!!  It's a huge adjustment to make and a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.  But we are getting there and it gets easier - eventually.  Take care of yourself it's not easy xx


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## weemoofrazz

Hi Angel_lass

I remember posting something very similar during the first month of our placement and as others have said already the way you and DH are feeling is really understandable and pretty common to all adopters. 

As Mummy sunflower advised, take any and all help available and be kind to yourselves. Big hugs


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## AoC

You've had some really good advice, Angel.  I can really relate to what you're saying - there were days in the first few months I woke up and thought, "I don't want to do this anymore.... It was so much easier when it was just the cats...."

Mummy shock is huge.  But all those things that seem wrong and new and hard get to feel right and normal and easy very soon.

If there are specific issues you're not coping with, get advice from your SWer.  Otherwise, lean on your friends, get some practical support (meals?  Cleaning?  Help with a day out?) from your support network.

We brought home a two year old who was firmly into the Terrible Twos.  I still shudder slightly when someone talks about two-year olds....  ;-)

What Flash said about pjs and Maccy D and driving.... TRUTH.  ;-)

I used to think I'd had a good day if I'd managed ONE of breakfast, wash, hair brush, dressed for me...

One thing I will say is do something to help you focus on teh positives.  Put up a big sheet of paper, draw a heart on it, and write in things that make you smile, warm you heart.  From her saying Mummy to the curl in her hair of the size of her poop that day!  Keep adding to it, filling it in until there's only words of loveliness.    Look at it every day to remind yourself of the good stuff in the bad.

((((((hugs)))))))  You're doing great.  Keep going.


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## angel_lass

Thank you folks, DH ent back to work today so that was huge myself and DD went through the motions breakfast, lunch, shopping, etc the health visitor also came out and was lovely. DD was ok this morn when she discovered daddy was back at work but when he came home she was very defiant but I quickly put a stop to that then she was cuddly again! Jeese another day tomorrow........! I have a new found respec t for people who adopt kids with special needs. On paper our DD is wonderful, she sleeps 13 hours a night and has no special needs etc but OMG never underestimate how hard it can be in the early days x


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## Camly

Hiya 

 

We adopted our 2 girls 5 years ago. I sometimes think back to when they first moved in and wonder how we got thru certain situations! I am still learning things about our 2 and thats after 5 years.  

Please don't b hard on urself. This is a major change for all involved. Takes a lot of getting used to. Constantly thinking tires u out!

Things will get easier and b kind to urself. Ur doing great im sure. 

Xxxx


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## Brummig

I hope that the last couple of weeks have been better and you are now all feeling more settled.

Our DD came home at the end of Nov 2013, she was 17 months.  The first few weeks were so hard.  I think it is harder when they come just before Christmas as all the groups are closed, or in Christmas excitement, and its limited on places to go cos all the kids are holiday!  I remember a really rough couple of days between Christmas and New Year when our birth child (age 11) and hubby went to visit MIL and I stayed at home with her - it just felt so intense!  My parents live near by and dropped in a couple of times but she refused to even look at them, I was desperate for a break and felt quite trapped to be honest.  

In Jan DS went back to school so we had to get up and ready on a morning to walk him to school, and I think we both benefitted from the structure in the day.  We also started doing a singing group, and a playgroup.  She got confident around other people too, and started to interact more.

I hope its got better for you.


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## angel_lass

Hi things have got a bit better we are now nearly 8 weeks in OMG I cannot believe that..! We are going to see a nursery on Friday as I am feeling that the winter months are so long and I'm struggling. Anyone who thinks that adoption is a Fairy tale better think twice, it's blooming hard work but yes it has its rewards x


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## GoofyGirl

Hi Angel_lass
Glad to hear things are better 
I'm earlier into placement than you are and it is really hard. 
I know people say not to put them in nursery until quite a few months after placement but actually if it helps us and they enjoy it then it's better than everyone struggling. 
We have siblings so will also consider nursery for the eldest if it continues to be so hard. I'm really looking forward to some time to myself, the eldest doesn't have a daytime nap so it's relentless. 
We have a good routine, it bores me silly sometimes but at least everyone knows what's next and I can look forward to the next thing. Makes the day go quicker. 
Some days it doesn't go to plan if I'm not feeling great and then it just gets worse and worse.


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## GoofyGirl

Pressed post too soon as LO came over with her book. 
But just wanted to wish you luck with the nursery. I might get one ready up my sleeve for when I need it xxxx


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## bulmer

Hi don't be put off nursery early in placement, our eldest was placed in September and started nursery in December and she loved it and thrived there.  She really needed the stimulation and company of other kids. She is at school now and loves it.  She is happy settled and goes from strength to strength. It allowed us a bit of free time with her younger sister to help her settle.  Not only did the SW agree with us they help fund the nursery placement.  X


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## GoofyGirl

Thanks Bulmer. It's reassuring x


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