# Trying to Move Forward Rather than "ON"



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi girls,

I just thought I'd post today as I've been feeling quite "up" today.  Don't know if its the sunshine outside or just my cycle time!

Anyway, exactly this time last year, I found myself in the deepest darkest depths of despair (following a m/c after what I thought was going to be my last and final attempt (no 3) at IVF).  This was a place I had never been before, despite feeling teary and down for many years whilst trying to conceive.

This was different.  I felt REALLY frightened of the future.  I hated my job and I was terrified of being left alone without a family every day and every Christmas while everybody else around me was moving on.  I felt like there was a huge weight on my shoulders and I just couldnt get it off.  I was 31.  I was DEVASTATED this had happened after all we'd been through before and I basically, didnt get out of bed or washed never mind do my make up (which I ALWAYS have to have on) and go out the house!

My Mum broke down on the phone one day telling me I was slipping into a depression and she couldn't sit back and watch but she didnt know what to do either.  It was awful.

The turning point for me was my DH came home one night to find me howling (in my jammies) at the bottom of my bed.  I just couldnt stop.  He told me to get in the bath and we were going out.  I didnt want to.  He forced me.  He told me to put on my make up. I didnt want to so I humoured him and slapped on a bit of lip gloss.  That was it.  I pulled my hat right down as far as I could to hide my face and reluctantly went to the pub.  I deliberately found a seat at the very back as for the first time in my life, I felt totally paranoid that everyone was staring at me. It was weird.  DH was trying to explain that I'm still young and I can do anything I want to.  I wasn't so sure.  I was still feeling like there was a huge black cloud over me and I just couldnt shift it.  Nothing seemed clear.  Everything was frightening.  The tears were running down my face in the middle of the pub and I didnt care........ usually, I hate anyone seeing me cry.

After that night, the next day I booked a few days away with my DH and started looking at changing jobs.  That was the turning point for me.

I remember my Mum saying, I would never get over this but I would find a way of dealing with it .... and .... i hope. ..... she was right.

I've since jacked in 2 jobs!!! ...... gone to college to study counselling and I'm now applying for part-time jobs as an occupational therapy assistant ... just to get me out of the house and meeting people again.

Don't get me wrong I still have down days but NEVER NEVER EVER, did I think, a year on I would be in a more positive place.
I feel I have got a future - God knows what it holds but I'm trying my damnest not to let this IF s**t beat me and get the better of me.  In fact, I feel even stronger that I managed to get out those pits of hell without ANti-Depressants.  Dont get me wrong, I wanted to go and get them but quickly remembered I couldn't - If I did - I'm sure the social workers would a field day if we eventually decided to adopt.  We really are being punished again aren't we?!! Its so b***dy unfair.

As you will see from my thread, we are still ttc naturally with steroids and aspirin and immunology stuff and maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit "up" as well, but I honestly think it's more about me getting stronger and taking the time to think about how I'm going to move on from all this because realistically, I dont think babies are ever going to happen for us.

Anyway, I thought it would be good to share this with all of you as I think all positive stories can give hope and inspiration to others.

Love to all
Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Gill,You and me both must have been in that place last year!!! I was exactly the same and i ended up taking 5 weeks off work after my failed iuis. I would have taken longer except i had only 2 weeks of term left to do before i got off for 2 months summer hols.

My dh was afraid at how low i had got i think and didnt know how to cope with me at all . There was extra pressure on me not to show my feelings as i had to contend with my step daughter being in the house all the time.I even made myself get dressed before she came home each day so she wouldnt guess!!! Luckily it was around exam time in school so she knows we get the odd day off for marking!! I had got to the stage where i almost broke down every time we were out, especially with a few drinks in me!! Like you i dont cry in front of people,only dh and mum have seen me cry!!

My dh sort of something similar to yours with taking you out. He booked 2 weeks in Spain  and he has a terrible fear of flying- hasnt flown for a few years so i was really pleased he was thinking of me.The hols were great and we visited Barcelona as well as the South which was great.

I had issues with work as well- teaching 10 years now but last 2 have been crap as i have been so stressed and have a promotion which i hate as well as ttc.
I was fine from Sept - Dec in work this year as had had long break over summer.After Christmas tho i really didnt want to go back and as i have mentionned on another thread was thinking of going part time eventually.My dream has always been to open a craft shop and maybe i will . If i do decide to go part time i will maybe to a course in setting up a business as i really have np mathematical brain at all!!! Languages teacher!!!  I started an art class this year which i had been putting off for years and might go a pottery one next year.

Like you again i have stuggled on occasion about getting anti depressants but finally come out of the depression.Was like that Jan/Feb but feeling better now and didnt go on them!!! I never thought i would get thru last year either and it must be worse with a miscarriage(i had 2 suspected ones but they were never confirmed). I think its getting thru a year at a time as last year i really could not bear to see the years stretch out ahead with no one to look after.

I am going to see my sister this weekend(she lives 100 miles away) and we are going to France at the end of June too.This gets dh off the hook with flying and i think he knows i have to do these things to keep sane!!

I hope we continue to get strong-my real test will be when my sisters announce pgs which could be in the next year but i will have to accept that i will get sad as long as i get over it again!!

Much love to us all xxxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Irish Eyes,

God that's so weird - I had 5 weeks off aswell Feb/March last year!  AND, I'm more language orientated and CANNOT count!!

It's so hard re expecting pregnancy announcements.  I think its a good thing you are mentally preparing yourself for this (as much as you can.)

At my college course last Saturday, I actually managed to look at baby photos that were being passed around the room - I managed to "detach" myself and look ....... but I couldnt goo goo and ga ga over them.  

I'm so sorry about all you've been through aswell.  Its so hard ......... there are no words ........... or answers.

I'm just so thankful we have each other here - this is the ONLY thing that's helped me through this.  I can honestly say.

Take care and keep in touch, 

Enjoy your hols!
Love Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Did you ever in your worst moments feel a wave of panic when people showed baby pictures? My mil was showing some last year of her great grandchild and i could feel it. Dh was sitting near and i could feel his eyes on me too -he had gone to the Christening and i hadnt(was going thru tx at the time and couldnt face it). i know she doesnt know about our ttc issues as dh's brother and wife have been married 13 yrs and no children so she has never asked. We are married 6.5 but as dh has a dd already think she assumes i didnt want any.

I also got annoyed at my youngest sister when she asked how much my photographer was as she is getting married next year.When she mentionned" well i suppose that was 8 yrs ago" i nearly hit her!!! She doesnt realise of course that it makes me feel worse as i feel that is another year without kids!!! Am i mad?


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

..... no ..... you are not mad - you are just stuck in a horrendous place with the rest of us lovely ladies!!

As for the waves of panic - ABSOLUTELY - I feel "Oh my God - here we go, how do I get through this one, will they notice??" I always feel everybody will be either 1.  guess by my reaction what I'm going through ( if the dont already know) or 2.  Stare to see how I react!  You feel SOOOOOO paranoid.

AFter my m/c - an insensitive "woman" at my work (who knew my situation) insisted on bringing her new baby pics. to a night out and passed them round the dinner table.  Thankfully, one of my better colleagues said "Gillian, just pass those onto me" .... and do you know.... somehow, I found the strength to do just that!!  I thought, well if that girls got the adassity to be so insensitive, then I've got the adassity to refuse to look at them!  It was so exhilirating to feel in control of the situation ....... at long last.

This comes highy recommended!!
Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Gill and Irisheyes

I have just read through your posts and can totally empathise...This IF is such a difficult and sad path in life that it goes deeper than anyone can explain. Unless we are talking to each other who have gone through this pain...
The depths of despair are so awful that you think to yourself i never want to ever be there again....its like sinking to a bottom of a well but there is no way of reaching the top...
But somewhere along the path we manage to find away to get through it...
I just want to say Well done to the both of you to be where you are at today, it takes a strong and special person to pull yourself through some of it. I don't think we feel like that at times, but if we stand back and take a good look at ourselves we have all come a long way...
Situations and people add to the already emotional rollercoaster that we are on and things like baby photos can really stab you in the heart. I have felt physically sick in the past to even look at them and to be honest i don't care to look at them now. I only do it if i want to...
Comments from people well sometimes i wonder 'can they help it'.....i have wanted to punch and scream in the past now i usually answer back and say that hurt me....and usually that does the trick..
Moving forward is a hard pressure but taking each day at a time does lessen that pressure....somehow we are getting there but it will take time...but atleast we can reflect on those darker days and say that nothing could get as bad as that....
love astridxx


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