# how long.........................realistically!!!!!



## jooles (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi 

Its been quite a while since I have been on these boards but need some advice or experiences if possible.  In short myself and DH has been ttc for 6 years through clomid, injections and 3 failed ivf attempts the last one being exactly a year ago!!
Now......................... I thought I had got over the dissapointment and had moved on and accepted the fact that we will not have children as we feel we could not go through the dissapointment and whole treatments again (I should have said I do not produce hormones so will not get pregnant naturally) but HOLY MOLY the last 2 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster and I feel I'm right back to square 1 again!!! I have been put on HRT by my GP as he is concerned about osteoporosis in later life, he has told me it would not help my infertility as it is, and I quote - "dead in the water    I feel like this has started another chapter down the whole infertility route and stirred a lot of emotions again that I thought I had dealt with!!! My best friend gave birth to her 4 "happy accident" baby last week.A beautiful little girl-when I went to visit them I thought this is what I want - DH there, kids running about and new baby to show off!!! I came home to an empty house and broke my heart!  I have also had a few very small run ins at work that normally wouldnt fizzle on me but have left me in the toilets in work crying my eyes out!!!
So........................................ realistically - is this normal after a year or am I just being a drama queen    I dont talk about it in work unless I'm asked by the few people who know and I dont want them thinking I am using it as some kind of excuse to have a crying fit every time something goes wrong or is said to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLLLLLPPPP   
Have been for some counselling with DH but really did not like it  

Ladies Im sorry this is such a me, me post but really need your help or experiences!!!
Thanks for reading

Jules


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## Maybethistime (Oct 20, 2008)

Would you think about donor eggs?


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## jooles (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi Elaine
That is a route we really don't want to go down   We had been told anyway by fertility clinic that the chances of it working for us were very slim!It had been discussed at one of our counselling sessions when my DH said he would consider it ( I nearly fell off the chair   ) but its not something I would be comfortable with to be honest - the thought of starting to look for a donor, go through all the treatment and waiting again and the vey high chance it wont work!! Is this a route you have been down?

Thanks for your reply

Jules


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Jules  

First of all - what your feeling is perfectly normal  

You have dealt with it your own way for the past 12 months but now somethings bought it all back to the surface - your hopes and dreams .... and then the reminder that these dreams dont always come true  

Life isnt fair and you are allowed to feel the way that you do    I understand what you say about not talking to people about it - its not an easy subject to discuss without getting upset.  Counselling can help but its not for everyone - and thats where I think the support on here can help - we all can relate to what you are going through.

I still struggle with certain times of the year - mothers day and christmas are two off the top of my head and I always panic about what lies ahead. But God knows how - ive come to terms with it now.  Its not been easy - far from it    But - life can be good again - its different thats for sure - having dreamt of how I wanted my life to be to actually having to find a different way to live it has been confusing/upsetting and totally fustrating - but you can smile again I promise  

Please just go easy on yourself - as I say you are allowed to be upset and angry so please dont bottle it up - come talk to us on here - we can help you along.

Love

Debs xxx


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## Maybethistime (Oct 20, 2008)

Yes I went to Spain, they do the matching. From making the decision I was matched and was lining my cycle with hers within a month. You carry the baby and it's your dh,s sperm so it's just a couple of chromosomes that don't belong to you. I am currently pregnant with donor eggs after also being told it would never happen.


I had to be a mother, for me it was as simple as that... Donors in Spain tend to be medical students or people who do it purely for the reason of helping people. It's an amazing thing to do for another human being. It restores your faith in human nature.


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi jooles
Just wanted to say I'm glad you've posted as I am feeling very low at the moment too and am 'glad' I'm not alone in this long term struggle. I'm so sorry you are having a tough time and want to send you  . I think it's to be expected. You are only a year into dealing with the most huge disappointment that follows years of wanting and assuming something. I think dealing with it could be a life's work. (sorry and happy to be wrong on that one).
I am starting the adoption process and have worked at and given myself time to become excited about the prospect of being a mother to a child who needs one but it sure feels like two steps forward and one back when it comes to my emotions about trying (and not yet really succeeding) to let go of my plans and dreams of having my own baby.
Gotta believe it will get better but in the meantime you are allowed to grieve the life you wanted. Be nice to yourself and dh.

Gettina x


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## Susan01 (Aug 12, 2009)

Hi Jules   . I agree that it sound totally normal. I have also accepted that we've reached the end of the road. And while I have times when life is good, I still get hit by very bad days (this morning was a bad one for me). I think that the hardest thing of all these days is giving yourself permission to stop. I made the choice that just because things COULD be done, it didn't mean I HAD to do them. So stopping after 2 IVF was always going to be my stopping point. I know there are other options, but they aren't for me, and I'm happy that I've done everything that I can and that's ok. And it does mean that I can get on with my life and channel my energies into other areas. For me that means moving to a smallholding, changing work, getting chickens and ducks, digging my veg patch, and being mother to a puppy. Not everyone's cup of tea, but it gives me meaning.


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Hi Jooles
I agree with what other ladies have all said...what you are feeling is perfectly normal.  It has been years since I gave up actively seeking treatment, and yes I have come to terms with fact that I will never be a mother, and yes I still have moments when it hits me. Don't think it will ever go away completely its always a sadness that is there lurking. Having said that I have tried to enjoy the life I do have, and mostly I am happy just ever now and then I will get a bite on the bum moment.  Be good to yourself, you are allowed to feel this way. x


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