# Why does it have to be so flippin' hard!? :-(



## Em26 (Jan 6, 2007)

Hi all,

Just needed a rant. Am having a really miserable day. Just feel so so fed up with this whole crazy mess. All I want is a baby, why is that such a hard thing to ask for? We've been away for the past few weeks in the States with my husband's family, was generally nice, but we saw lots of babies, my husband is from a massive family and his siblings are also having big families. We're the odd ones out so get all the comments of 'oh, aren't you glad you don't have to put up with all this chaos'/'you can't be stressed, you don't have kids!' etc etc.

I spent the whole time there gritting my teeth, just being on auto-pilot and not letting myself feel anything, cos I knew that if I did, I'd lose the plot and it'd wreck our trip. So there's me, holding the babies, playing and cooing like my heart isn't breaking into pieces.

Now I'm back it's all caught up with me. Last night I saw one of my closest friends who's 7 months pregnant. Actually she's been one of my most faithful supporters as she had fertility problems so understands the pain. Several people have asked me how I'm coping with her being pregnant, I always shrug it off by saying how pleased I am for her, and how it's different with her because she understands, which is true to an extent, but last night it hurt so bad to see her so visibly pregnant and know I'm not :-( I cried last night like I haven't in ages. I'm really worried about my future friendship with her. We've talked about it lots, but it'd getting harder and harder and I'm beggining to avoid her.

I just feel so angry all the time. This is so unfair. I feel that my attempts to pretend everything's OK so I actually can leave the house and see pregnant women/babies without falling apart is turning me really bitter, and I don't like it :-(

Anyway, sorry to just rant here. Just needed an outlet!

Thinking of all you fellow-travellers, and praying this road can be over for all of us soon.

Em x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Firstly a big big  to you xx

I think we have all felt like you are feeling at some point hun. Be proud of yourself that you did manage to hide your pain and play with the babies on your trip, as that can be one of the hardest things to do 
I have to say from personal experience I found friends being pregnant harder than once they had the baby , it was much easy for me just to coo over the baby and not have to look at the bump. I am hoping your friendship survives and gets back to being a strong supportive one. 
It has got easier for me but still it catches me out at times, even though I have the most gorgeous 2 yr old foster child who we are in the process of adopting. I am coming to terms with never having the whole pg/ baby months, saying that I wouldnt change it for the world 

I truly do hope you achieve your dream , I am sorry to see in your signature you had a mc  allow yourself time to grieve for that 
Infertility changes who we are and I am a firm believer in that we have two choices. Either we have to get on with it and accept to some degree that it is part of who we are ( which is not easy to do )  or we drown in what we can't achieve . Does that make sense? 


Lots of  thoughts to you

xx


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## JCB (Dec 13, 2007)

Em

I think that a whole lot of us have felt like you at times - either watching family or friends or people at church pop out babies, seemingly with no problems at all, adn us being expected to play with them and love them and smile and be happy while all the time being miserable inside.  

I think you are doing reallly really well and your DH should be very proud of the way you behaved on hols.  Good on you girl!

The only other thing I can say is that things can change when you least expect it.  4 months ago DH and I were sitting in the car on our way back from seeing the consultant after a failed cycle of IVF.  He basically told us that my chances were very slim with my own eggs (4 miscarriages and one failed IVF) and all was generally doom and gloom.  We sat and discussed what to do and how long we would give it before going abroad for DE.  Well, looking back now, I know that we conceived 2 days later and I am now 17 weeks.  You have managed to get pregnant twcie - that is great as it shows that you can, so please don't give up hope.  It can happen for you too.  God has a plan for you and you just have to trust that His idea of the right time may be different to yours!

Hang on in there!


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## jadeline (Apr 21, 2008)

Em:

I totally understand how you feel, I am the oldest and I am  childless when my sister has 3 boys. But i feel happy for her if you want to talk to someone i am here for you.

Send me a private message if you like to give you my phone number so we can chat a bit. OK GIRLFRIEND!!!


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## DreamTeam (Nov 1, 2007)

Hey Em,
Sometimes it just is...no reasons that we know of, it just is. It doesn't mean we want it any less, but the really great thing about FF is you realise that it is not just hard for you alone, but lots of other people.

love  

Snowbelle


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## Em26 (Jan 6, 2007)

Hi all,

Just wanted to say thanks for all your replies, they really helped, and I've felt quite a bit better since ranting on here. Thank you! 

Suzie: Congrats on your foster child, how cool that you get to be his mummy! I really hope and pray all the adoption stuff happens quickly and smoothly

JCB: Your story is a real encouragement, it's so fantastic you have a happy ending (/new beggining!) It remind me not to give up hope.

Jadeline: All the best for your 2ww, praying for you.

Snowbelle: You poor thing! Sounds like you've really been through the mill and are chucked there again :-( Will send up some prayers for you too. Hope you have lots of people looking after you and that you can be kind to yourself too.

Love Emily


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