# I need to have a little rant.



## bucks_lass (Nov 7, 2011)

I need to have a rant. It may sound stupid but its kind of getting annoying. 

I love my nieces and nephews, they are all on my husbands side on the family, and I am blessed to have them in my life, and I love the moments I spend with them. I love my mother in law, we get on so well and have done for many years. However I feel guilty to admit I'm kind of backing off from her, not making much contact so she's the one doing the contacting. Since her grand kids have come along, they are her world (and so they should be), however if they are around shes over them like a rash, and they are all she ever talks about. Half of her conversations are about them. Now I'm not a selfish person, but me and my Hubby can not have kids naturally and as we get the older the chance is diminishing. I love hearing about the kids antics, but when most of your phone calls and chats involve them its kind of off putting. I even asked my husband if it bothered him and he doesnt mind at all and doesnt see it as a problem...which makes me sound like a moaning moo really. It would be sooooo nice to have a child free conversation, and I kind of wonder if shes forgotten about our dilemma. I just feel its a bit insensitive. Yes talk about them for a few moments, but please chat about something else.

Sorry if I have come across as being selfish. Its something I had to get off my chest and I wonder if people have had the same thing happen to them. Knowing people who forever talk about the kids. Rant over.


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## tilly100 (Jul 12, 2010)

You're not being selfish at all  
i feel exactly the same. all of the children in the family are on my husbands side and i love them to bits b ut sometimes its really hard to see them and to hear about them, as they're not mine.
the family always just talk about the kids and as you say its lovely the kids are soooooooooo doted on but its very painful. i hope one day it will get better and won;t hurt as much but right now it does. 
I have noticed i am pulling back from DH's family. They are all very close and talk about everything !! I am an only child and not very close with my mum and dad so find it hard to talk about the most personal things with DHs family. Everyone doesn;t know what to say about iVF and come out with all the old cliches. 
we have just found out that our 2nd ivf hasn;t worked . DH has said he doesn;t want to try again and i think because he has such a close family and his neices and nephews that that's enough for him. Its not for me   i often feel alone and left out when i'm with them and then feel like a complete brat for feeling that way. 
i hope that you;re feeling better after your rant as i think this is the only place where we can really say what we feel. I feel so gulity but i'm angry and fed up that we are now excluded from things with friends as we don't have children, that at any social occassion we go to i am excluded from the conversation as a woman who doesn;t have children, no one ever asks me about my job or my hobbies. I am fed up ofr people whinging about their children or that they have no money and would love to go on a holiday like us .  I would swap all the holidays in the world to have a child. 
sorry kind of started ranting too............


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## K8O (Dec 21, 2009)

Hi

I think there are times when you can tolerate it and times when you can't.  I've had real issues with both sides of the family.  My MIL just keeps telling me I should be greatful for what we have.  The last time she said it I turned my back and walked away from her.  I have barely spoken to her since and quite frankly I don't want to.  As soon as she knows our tx hasn't worked she is gone out of sight.  We used to be close but not any more. 

On my side my oldest brother recently had a daughter who is adorable but when I see them as a family for some reason it makes me crumble inside.  My other brothers wife is having a baby in January.  Not sure how Im going to cope with 2.  My nan barely speaks to me because apparently she doesn't want to upset me, but when she does its about how happy she is to be a great grandma.  I know I should be happy for the whole family but it tears a strip away everytime.  Im dreading Christmas with a baby in the family.  I walked out of argos with her present for Christmas and cried.  I stood in BHS looking for presents for my brothers new arrival and cried.  It seems to be getting harder and not easier.  We have booked another holiday because its the only thing that gets me through the days.  I'd give them up to fulfill our dream.

Its not selfish, its how you feel.  Maybe with time you learn to live with it but when its a bad time, its a bad time and you just have to get from day to day.

Kxx


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## bucks_lass (Nov 7, 2011)

*tilly100*:
I would swop all my holidays to have a little family of my own too. I get so annoyed when I hear people turn around and complain about their kids, when they really do not know how lucky they are. I think the worse thing I was told was 'want till you have kids, you will be dying to get back to work to escape from them'
Big hug from me. Your message really pulled my heart strings. Is there any chance your other half will change his mind about trying IVF again? As the saying goes: 3rd time lucky, and if in your heart you know you want to give it another go you really must go with your heart. You have to tell your partner how your feeling if he already doesnt know. 
If you ever need a chat then please message me.


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## bucks_lass (Nov 7, 2011)

*K8O*:
Oh no. How insensitive of your mother in law. I think I would find it extremely hard to be around someone if they said that.

I sometimes try and imagine being in the other persons shoes, for example having kids but knowing someone in the family was struggling to have them. I try and imagine how I would feel around them and I would worry about what to say to them. Its probably difficult for both sides, but I wish people wouldnt flaunt what they have so much though. 

I know how you feel about buying presents for the kids....when I buy something nice for either my niece and nephew, I wish I was buying it for our own baby. Its so hard. 

I think what can make life slightly easier is surrounding ourselves with people in simular situations, however I am finding that not one of my social circle has had a big issue with conceiving, so apart from this site, I don't know anyone in the same boat, no one to phone when the going gets tough, no one to meet up with for a natter etc. Lets hope things get easier over time. Big hugs from me xx


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## tilly100 (Jul 12, 2010)

Big hugs to both of you   
wish I could say something to make it better. 
What annoys me is that people don't understand or even try to understand what it's like. Iknow I'm grieving and just because my babies were only 2 weeks old doesn't mean that they weren't my babies. No one seems to get this. I'm avoiding everyone because I don't trust myself not to snap when they say something stupid and insensitive   
Have just been crying for last 3 days. Don't want to do anything or see anyone. Luckily my dogs are keeping me going. Dh and I have agreed to wait until after Xmas to decide what to do next.
He is worried I'm isolating myself  (dr has signed me off work - stupid thing is I' m a psychologist, so feel like I should be able to cope - but I just can't help other people right now)
Dh has been lovely but I can't stop crying at everything. Am avoiding anything with children on tv - which is quite difficult     feel I've I'm going mad. Just can't imagine this ever being ok right now. I' m just dreading the next announcement of someone else being pregnant. I've turned into a bitter judgemental cow which isn't me. 
Didn't t think I had anything to write    oops ended up ranting again
  
Thinking of you girls and hoping we find a way of surviving this pain
Tilly x


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## Susan01 (Aug 12, 2009)

Tilly, I quite agree about the number of people who don't seem to make any effort to understand. Of course you're grieving - we grieve the loss of our dreams and our hopes. I think some people just don't want to feel any of the pain themselves by making the effort to understand. We're expected to be selfless and put our feelings to one side so we don't upset other people. So bloody unfair.

Sorry for the rant. And on a more positive note, it does get easier with time. I've been there - avoiding all sight of children, turning off the telly and the radio, diving out of shops and cafes, crying at the slightest thing. And although it seems impossible to believe sometimes, it does get easier    . You've just got to allow yourself the process of grieving.


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## butsy (Sep 25, 2008)

hello,

not posted on here for a long time (think about a year now) and having a bad day so thought I'd see if there was anyone else who was feeling the same - obviously there is!  Our 4th (and final) ICSI attempt ended in September when they called to say that none of my 3 (very poorly) eggs had fertilised. Nothing happened, they just sat there, doing nothing.  Even the embryologist sounded surprised.

I've been so down, but thought I was feeling better - then went to a friend's family christmas gathering last night. She's just discovered she's pregnant and obviously everyone's excited. But I just got so angry inside, then hated myself for it.  Then AF arrived (early) right in the middle of the evening - just to remind me that my egg reserves are so low and that the menopause is right around the corner.  I just felt like I was being punished.  It seems like I just get myself back on track, then get knocked down again.

The thing thats getting to me about other people at the moment is their absolute refusal to accept it when I say 'we're not going to have children'.  It's like they can't handle it at all (how do they think I feel!).  Happened a couple of times last night - and I just end up saying 'yes, maybe you're right, maybe the Drs were wrong and it will just happen one day' - just to shut them up!  And if anyone else accuses me of not having a positive attitute - well I don't think I'll be responsible for my actions     .

I know people don't understand unless they've experienced it, but why can't people just respect your decision to stop treatment?

Tilly - I too am a psychologist so I understand where you're coming from - but never feel that you don't have a right to experience the same amount of grief and sadness as anyone else.  Helping others can be a very healing thing to do (especially when you feel so useless, as I do at the moment) but there comes a time when you have to take care of yourself before anyone else.  I'm fortunate in that I've just started a Masters in Mindfulness Based practice and it's really helping me to weather the storm and be kind to myself - I would recommend it to anyone!

Love to everyone who's feeling the despair.  There are so many others who do understand.

B xx


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

hey I was attracted to this post today; having stomped upstairs following the tv trailer for "I've had 15 kids and I am rather smug & pleased with myself" whch is on right now; and I cannot bear to watch it! And to find this is a whole new series on TV starting today - that is not going to be on in my house that's for sure. Freaks!!
Another post on here talks about ups and downs and it is so true - yesterday I was on an upbeat big event at work in my new-ish job - which I never would've gone for if I'd had a family, and at the weekend I went hiking and camping which of course I would not have been doing in January with a family. So it was all good and I was OK with it or actually more than OK with it and then BAM! it hits all over again    am getting very impatient with this 'getting over IF' thing now and those bloody programmes really do not help!
here's hoping we all get more better days, and they outweigh the bad ones - 
tilly like you and bucks lass - I think can't we all just talk about something else?
Butsy I've also had to quietly move on from friends who just haven't helped or worse haven't responded to what is going on; some days I can intellectually forgive this, as how are people meant to get it if they haven't been through it; other days I think I really can't be bothered with these people and don't believe they have any care for me; not to wish them harm but I think just go on and have a happy life but that isn't going to include us being close friends now sadly. 
Be kind to yourself is the best advice we can all give each other, this stuff is hard & it does feel like you change your personality over it, but I think a new version will emerge in time, I do feel bits of the old me coming back, only with some sad layers weaved in that occasionally will show up, often through someone else's insensitivity or just when I am having a bad day and weaker than usual. Susan you are right it does change over time; the people really new to this board should hang onto that  .
The worst time for me is seeing that bond and connectedness that people have with their children; new mothers with all that hormonal gush I will just do my best to keep avoiding! Strangely this hurts me more than people moaning...
take care everyone, this continues to be a good place to rant, I need it as a place where people aren't planning their children and gushing emotionally about them, so THANK YOU ALL  xxx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi everyone,

Tribble, I posted about that programme on the Coping with Infertility board. I couldn't watch it, I would have thrown something at the screen, the trailers were bad enough! I am seriously considering writing to Channel 4 and asking if our stories are ever going to be told and what's with this absolute obsession at the moment with motherhood, babies and families, anyway? The fact that I've got yet another useless period obviously doesn't help. Why do they keep coming when there's no eggs or the eggs are useless?!
How are you doing? You're right about good days and bad days. We're supposed to be having tx this year but I can't believe it will work. Nothing else has, after all. We've been trying for so many years, and then you have these women who get pg at the drop of a hat!
What doesn't help is that I'm 50 next week and I feel I might as well go and dig my own grave. It's all over. Most women celebrate their 50th birthday surrounded by adoring children and even grandchildren. I just have my poor dh, bless him, who has more than enough to cope with without having to keep picking me up all the time. But I really can't get up any positivity at all.  From now on, I'm even eligible for Saga cruises!  

Rowanx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

O god its so tricky.  I have 3 brothers, one is a lot younger and the other 2 have 5 children between them.  Three of them are under 2.  One of my sil got pg when her baby was 4 months old   .  The problem in my family is that one of my brothers lives abroad so when he comes back with his 3 children, by mum goes bonkers.  We all have to meet up at every opertunity!  Everyone is sooooooo over the top happy to see each other, and comparing baby notes, that i dont really feel apart of it and end of feeling detached and anoyed with the situation.  Now of course they should be chatting happerly about their children, but with my situation its just difficult to hear  .  My mum has been frosty with me for the past 2 weeks cos i invited my brother around my house for tea with his wife and 3 children, just so that i can spend some time with them all with out the intensity of the rest of the family being there.  My mum got upset as she was not invited!!


The problem is that everything is aimed/centred around families and family life and the general public dont think out of the box, probably because they have never had to consider infertility.  I dont think the media helps as they are always portraying that ivf is such a miracle, well its only a miracle if it works!!


I know that people never took me seriously when i said that i needed ivf, it was almost as if people did not believe that someone young could have fertility issues that could not be over come.  For a long time people expected me to turn around as say that i was pg or that because i have had an ectopic pg then there was a good chance that i could get pg!  The other thing is that no one understands the emotions that come with it, we are kind of in the day and age where society things that you can have everything that you want if you try hard enough, well as we know IF is not like that.  xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## bucks_lass (Nov 7, 2011)

Wish I could give you all a BIG  . Everyone's stories have helped me realise there are others out there who are in the same boat as me. 

Thankfully I don't get asked much about 'when are you both going to have kids' but I think some friends and family are begining to realise that something is not quite right as me and my husband have been together for 13 years. I think they are probably too scared to ask and scared at how I would react. I wish sometimes that someone who does know my problem could just sit down with me and actually ask how I am feeling. People who have never been through this tauma just dont know how to handle the situation do they? Sometimes I need to talk about it and to talk about feelings and emotions I am experiencing at a particular time of the month (worse for me is when I know I am due on....its the realisation that I am not pregnant). 

Well my latest news is that my sister has fallen pregnant after being with her bf for merely 6 months. I am over the moon, delighted as I finally can be a proper Aunt (dont feel like one with my husbands brothers kids, only because we dont see them often as their parents would rather socalise with non-family members more). Being told her nappy news was a bit emotional, it was a mixture of happiness and sadness. Happiness that I can have a child in the family that I can spend a lot of time with, and sadness for not having the same luck as her, the fact she can fall pregnant and the fact Ive yet to experience such a blessing hurts, and the guilty feelings crop up from time to time due to feeling like this. 

Me and my sister are close, and she knows the situation so another slightly annoying factor is the way she can just constantly go on and on about being pregnant. She's asked me to be her when she gives birth which would just be too hard for me I think. I'll leave it to her bf to be by her side. It may seem selfish but I have to save my sanity. 

Oh well they say time is a healer but I'm sure its going to be many years before I can actually come to terms with being childless. I want to spoil the kids around me but its kind of difficult when I rarely have involvement in other kids lives. I thought maybe this would change when my sis has her kid but I've found out that her bf's work is moving to another town 25 miles away, which means I wont see them often when they move to be with his work.

Please tell me someone that my life will get a bit better.....I dont ask for a lot. I just want a bit of happiness. I want a confirmed answer as to whether or not I will ever conceive. I want to know so that if I can really move on. If I knew I could maybe focus my energies in something else, like creating a career for myself, rather than slaving away in a normal job. I'm only staying in my job incase I fall pregnant so that I can still work but with reduced hours.  

I turn 34 next month. I've come to the decision that I need to plan for a childess future. I have a timeline, if I'm not a mum by 35 I will give up and focus on getting a life (maybe lots of trips aboard, new job etc). 

Getting an answer isnt asking for much. Life....what a challenge.


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

Hey bucks lass, I feel for you. To decide when the time is right to stop is so hard; it may help you to leave a bit of space and stop trying for a short while, don't plan any more tx and see how that feels. I was helped my myself and hub setting a maximum of 3 tx; I said no more! after the second one but did go back one final time; but when that failedit helped to have that agreed beforehand. Am sure it was in our control to change our minds but it helpd me, and once I stpped away from the tx rollercoaster, I could see (while it was damn hard) that it was time to stop. Of course it is still sometimes torturous - what if? - but as the balance tipped to starting to ahve to accept it was never going to be, it felt like that was somethign I could then work with a bit more. If you can step back a bit and get a tiny bit of distance (i.e. not go to more IF appts., do a holiday or do some different stuff) then you might find a clearer way forward; I hope so.

Hi Rowan; yep, also can't believe one born every minute is also back on now; two evenings running now on telly they have these series! Maybe it will make me go down the gym more which I def need to after hormone/tx blubber has piled on in the past few years! As for Saga & you - don't even go there; you've got loads more livign to do before you get stuck in that bracket; I hope you can find some things that make you feel good, you are an important person on this earth, whether a mother or not there is stuff you can bring to the world. Happy birthday for next week   try & be easy on yourself

coweyes, if only they could stand for a day in your shoes, I think good on you for inviting his family, I know exactly what you mean about it being easier in small doses, I am somehow usually OK talking to one friend or being with one friend and their children; when it goes to two of them or more I cannot cope at all & I avoid these situations. Am sure a psychiatrist would ahve a field day with that one; not too hard to see that its the feeling excluded that is one of the worse feelings.

take care all, hope you can relax and be kind to yourselves today; am going to go to the gym and try to feel fitter and de-stress, then go to the allotment and potter around there for a bit, with my lovely kind hub; it is my pMT week so the feelings about the IF are always so much hideously worse at this time :-( 
lots of love xxx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Tribble,

Thank you, your words did help.   
At the moment I feel very low, as I'm now 50. This wasn't helped by some bloke who looked considerably younger than me talking about his grandchildren last night when we went out for a birthday meal! Of course, this is going to be the reality from now on, people won't just have kids, they'll also have grandchildren but it's one I really don't need. It makes me feel more like a failure than ever.
Is there any point in even trying a cycle of tx, I wonder? There are days when my body feels every month of its age. 
I sympathise with the PMS, though in my case it's usually the period itself that makes me crash and burn. Emotions fly all over the place. If only there was some way to switch off the cycle!
Bucks lass, hope you find some way to get some clarity so you can make a decision. It's so hard to get to that place, I think, as feelings cloud everything so much. 
Coweyes, I think you're very brave, I simply avoid those situations. Luckily, we have no small children in the family at the moment. God alone knows how I'd cope if we did!
Have a good week, everyone.

Rowanxx


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