# FET - cancelled tx, broken heart....



## Emmib (Apr 17, 2008)

I am a FF veteran, and after my joyful 1st ICSI in 2009 I was finally ready to go and rescue my 3 frosties and welcome them properly into our family.  
FET was never my chosen  method of tx, but my cons and DH were so positive that this was the best option for us to move forward and that the 3 frosties were part of my cycle that resulted in my beautiful boy.  We went ahead....
Drugs were easier, scans went to plan, and an hour before ET I got the call to say that the thaw had killed off my beautiful frosties....  My dreams of 3 more little bubs coming home (OK maybe not all at once) was over...  I was prepared to lose one of them (worst case)  but all of them?  I was devastated...
My dream was gone, the "easy"cycle was over, and it was all snatched away so quickly.  It could have been worse I suppose, I live quite close to Care so we were still at home.  I think if I had driven some way to get there to be turned away with the same information I would have had to hit something, then break down...
I didnt want an explanation of why.  It wouldnt change anything.
I wanted to hold my beautiful boy, and hold him very close.
I wanted to take my time to recover in my own time.
I said a silent prayer of love for my 3 little frosties that I wouldnt meet - not yet.  In my heart they were my babies, and I just dont get to see them right now.  One day.... 
I am ready now.  Ready to get back onto the rollercoaster.
This time, ICSI again so I know what I am dealing with.  A few years older, a whole lot wiser.
I am split in my mind daily....  Being so very grateful for what I have, and my desire to bring another little life into our world.
Time isnt on my side anymore to sit back and just enjoy.  I will try again, and some time ago DH and I agreed 3 more attempts in total.  But after seeing friends hearts broken by the journey of destination Mummy, I dont know if I will honour that promise we made.
So my diary is on countdown, we are ready to start afresh in the early New Year.  And I will be holding my beautiful boy very close right throughout this leg of the journey...


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## eibhlin (Mar 4, 2009)

Emmib 

  I'm so sorry to hear that your frosties didn't make it.  

Thanks for your honest and very poignant post, even though I wish you didn't have to go through this, reading your post was moving to me on an evening when I'm feeling a weensy bit low.  

Like you we have a beautiful, wonderful son and are so blessed.  He is everything to us and such a joy.  We had a failed fet last month and it was a blow.  I didn't expect it to hurt so much, I really am so grateful for my son and love him so much, and it is definitely for us easier than our first failed ICSI, but honestly, it has been hard.

I wish you every success and best wish in your next cycle      

take care xox


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## Emmib (Apr 17, 2008)

Eibhlin - thank you honey.  Only now able to write a post about it without being emotional about it all.
So sorry you tx didnt work last month.  We are both very lucky to have our beautiful boys to hold.
I hope you take your time and build your strength back up, and try again if you are able to.
Love and hope, Emma x


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