# Unresponsive Husband



## bucks_lass (Nov 7, 2011)

Why oh why am I working my butt off to try and conceive when my hubby just isnt getting involved. I am seeing a nutritionist on a regular basis to help with my diet so I can shift a few pounds (well I have a few stone to lose), plus to help balance my hormones, and I have now booked an reflexology appointment to aid balancing my hormones. 
I recently made an appointment for the hubby to see my nutritionist for advice too, and hoped she could talk him into a healthier lifestyle (he drinks way too much coffee - I've had to limit myself to one coffee a day as requested by the nutritionist). I'm now going to cancel his appointment - to cut a long story short he got stressed having to fill the questionaire out for the appointment (it was about 5 pages - and no its not difficult), and because of his ranting and raving about it, I told him to forget about it and I will cancel it.  

To say I am angry is an understatement. I'm fuming deep down. I am not asking for much and its only fair if we both make an effort to change little things in life to try and help us create a family. He's unwilling to cut down on a lot...including coffee and cigarettes.
I feel he hasnt been that supportive when I have been feeling down about the whole trying to conceive. I just feel let down by him.  
He once told me why should he give up his **** when he doesnt drink and what would his pleasure be if that was taken away from him.

This marriage is becoming unejoyable. I can talk to him until hes blue in the face but he doesnt seem to do anything. He obviously has a different way of coping with the conceiving issue but it cant be all one sided when it comes to treatments and diet. He needs to join in. He got angry when my sister got pregnant - ranting and raving about how shes only been with her bf a few months and falls pregnant by accident - yet nothing stirs anything in him to motivate himself to at least feel hes trying to achieve our goal of a baby.

Not sure what to do. Two lots of counselling hasnt helped us. Maybe its time to walk away from it all and start afresh.


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Not sure what to say- you know if you want to stay in the marriage or not but the cigarettes are a massive no if trying to concieve- have you printed off facts for him- maybe that would get through to him better than you saying it, 

Also if you did need IVF clinics require you to stop before they will treat you,

Do you think he is scared he has a problem and is sticking his head in the sand?

Sending you a   and some   that the situation gets better,

LivityK


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## Purple Star (Jun 10, 2011)

bucks_lass, I'm not sure what advice to give but didn't want to read and run. I think livity k makes a good point, perhaps he is burying his head in the sand hoping everything will be ok with him? Printing off some hard facts might help him realise what an impact smoking etc can have.

I really hope you find a way to get through to him, lots of  

xxx


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## bucks_lass (Nov 7, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. It got to the stage during the week where I had enough, and was going to stay over at my mums for a couple of nights. I bottled out, only because I love my home and don't want to leave (I would miss my cats). So what I did was write down a list of things which have been bothering me. I left the list on the coffee table for him to find when I had gone to bed.
He told me the following morning that he had read the list and had noted everything I had written. That was it, we havent spoken about it since, but I have noticed that he did take notice and is trying to improve on certain issues. 
Time will tell.


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

Bucks_lass sounds like you are dealing with an addict and really doesnt matter what you say he will only change if he wants to.  I have had similar convesation with dh yesterday.  If you are not getting what you need from the relationship and feel you are able to walk away then maybe that is better than dealing with someone who wont help himself.  good luck x


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## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

Hi Bucks Lass, 

Firstly I totally see this from your side and support your point of view totally.  But as I always try to see both sides can I ask if you have actually sat down and asked hubby how he feels about everything?  I know its difficult to just want to jump on the ''fix it'' bandwagon but sometimes a chat about what is involved and the level of commitment needed is really good.  Sometime woman think men will speak up. . .but often they don't and the idea of failure (even in conceiving) is not easy for them to take and often they hide head in the sand.  I wish I had taken a bit more time to understand how hubby saw it all before racing ahead with our massive plan of attack - I would accuse him of not getting involved but actually he just needed a bit more time to get his head round it all - as I discovered when he fainted and threw up during our first IVF appointment.  Men want to fix things and when they can't its incredibly hard for them.

As I say, I am with you totally and you make some points about your marriage not being enjoyable that you probably need to reflect on but I just wanted to offer up another view.  Hope it helps some, I hope you can gently convince hubby of the harm his lifestyle choices might be doing.

Good luck.

V X


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## rockandrose (Aug 11, 2011)

Hello Bucks_Lass
Sending you big hugs  
I know what you mean - it does seem like it is always us ladies who put in the effort, including the worrying! And being told to stop worrying isn't exactly constructive, it's such a natural thing to do with something this important. Something I have found is that men tend to respond badly to criticism but quite well to positive reinforcement, so in the past I have tried to change my DH's smoking and drinking (and coffee drinking) with positives. We're in a bad relationship place at the moment though, so I'm not sure how much more positivity I've got to offer. 
Let me know if you want to go into the chat room and have a good old rant! Am only too happy to listen


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## Sarah1712 (Mar 6, 2011)

Bucks_lass- i couldnt just read and run as to some extent understadn your frustrations but i too can see it from your husbands point of view as an ex smoker myself. I gave up smoking (only 5wks ago) but still after reading some fertility books realised the extent of the damage smoking can do. I think printing off some info wouldnt help as i know if someone did that for me i would have ignored it as the enjoyment of smoking outweighed the necessity to give up, even at the cost of a baby which sounds terrible but i had to come round in my own time and find the facts myself. As they say ignorance is bliss and perhaps your dh is in that place now, i was and learnt the hardest most expensive lesson as our first IVF tx failed. TBH i think smoking right up until the last minute undoubtedly contributed,i know that now but felt at the time that its ok we'll be alright but we werent. May i suggest as a starting point maybe suggesting your dh does his own reading on male fertility? Or maybe changing to electric cigarettes initially to help him give up or going to the GP and asking for perhaps some smoking cessation. As for the coffee, maybe subtle changes like going to de-caf can help. You cant expect your dh to cut out smoking aswell as the coffee all at the same time because he is clearly addicted to both so maybe he can wean off the coffee, start by one less a day for a week and then 2 less a day and so on. Same for cigarettes, this is known as a reduction programme (used for addicts in general). 
My DH has taken ages to get his head around reducing his alcohol intake and it wasnt until he read it in black and white that he realised only he could do it. We had a couples nutrition appointment at zita west and it really opened his eyes and mine. It made me realise what a good decision i made in giving up the **** but the enjoyment of one will always be remembered. I do feel amazing though for giving up even after 5 weeks. Zita wests nutritionist recommended wellman conception and antioxidant vitamins for DH to help. Smoking depleates certain vitamins so maybe he could take some supplements to replace or help replace what hes losing. Good luck


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## keephopestrong (Feb 9, 2012)

Sweetheart, I know how horrible this is.

Men and women react differently. I have been married for 20 years and we have suffered male factor severe infertility for 19 years.  Although at the beginning, my darling was very cooperative and got all the tests done, but he was also treated diabolically.  When the first doctor examined him, he just shouted out: ah not surprised, you are very small; typical sign of azoospermia. Ok, so I was the only one who overheard, but to Jem that was appalling!  I hate that doctor to this day!

Then Jem had a biopsy which is very painful.  The surgeon just came around, prodded a newly stitched scrotum and said: no sperm found and walked away!!

That set him up for a life of: I don't want anyone to ever look at me again.

Recently he declared: I am dreading it due to my age (he is 50 now), when the doctor has to look at my private parts.  I cry with him, because he is a beautiful man.

4 year's ago, I became miraculously pregnant by him but miscarried and since then, nothing.  Then recently everything pointed to us at long last having a baby naturally.  He could not cope with the suspense so I had a scan and the devastating news came back that I am not carrying after all and the problem is related to an enlarged spleen.  I have been in mourning ever since!

He asked me: do you want me to get retested so I said: only if you feel able; I don't want to push you.  The result is: he is testing on monday once again!

Pushing never finds results sweetheart. So you constantly "nagging" him, sorry!  Is just making him withdrawl even more.  He is finding relief from cigarettes.  Jem used to smoke, but doesn't anymore.

The only thing you can do is show by action ie keep up what you are doing, and you never know, he may very well change his mind.

Men hate being nagged because it is nagging when one is demanded to do an action that they are not able to do.  Lol my husband nags at me and visa versa.

The reality is, that men cannot fully appreciate our side because they are not the ones who carry.  I am crying an awful lot at the moment due to fully believing that I was pregnant and although Jem is suffering, he does not feel how I do, but I don't condemn him for that because he shows his pain in a different manner.

Please don't give up on your marriage.  It is actually positive he showed anger with this pregnancy; because if he did not care, he would be cold.  So keep hold of that and bide your time.

Through the years, I have studied Jem's malady and often think, if only he would be tested and when I have asked and he came back with: no, not going down that road again, I can't. I felt sad but respected that if he was not ready then so be it.  In other words, I could not ask the man I love to do something like that for me, when it caused him so much agony over his maleness.

Marriage is never easy sweetheart, but always endeavouring to try is the key to future happiness. I do talk from experience.

Suzanne


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

hi Bucks_lass,

Couldn't not reply to you. I hear you! I saw your thread title and had to read...

Men don't get it hon, I've come to that conclusion. I've been torturing myself every month for the last 2 years, timing my entreaties lets just say, counting days, analyzing every twinge in the 2ww for the last 24 cycles.. thats 48 weeks of obsessing over sore boobs, mood swings etc etc, but I honestly could have swung for my husband the morning we had to go and get his SA done, we came out and he turned around to me and said that that was truly horrible and if it would save him having to do anything like that again we should start trying properly.... I just don't get how he thought we weren't trying properly in the first feckin place! 
I think we as a breed (women that is) spend too much time worrying about not upsetting other people and looking after their interests, I've not wanted to stress my dh out by letting him see how much I've been upset when AF arrives, and have been trivialising everything so as not to worry him. However, that has changed and now I am quite happy to put it out there, after all surely a marriage is about honesty and trust. I have really been amazed at how DH has been, incredibly supportive and loving. Obviously I don't know you or your husband or what your relationship is like, but it might be worth sitting down in front of him and telling him straight how you feel. I mean let him see the pain you are suffering, the first time I let myself cry infront of Dh it was incredibly painful, I don't know what I was afraid of though as the first time he lent over and wiped my tears off my cheek it just felt like such a release. It's really bloody hard to let yourself be that vunerable if you're not used to it, I'm not wired that way, but it was the best thing I have ever done in our relationship and I feel now like we are so much better for it.

I hope you find some strength together to bring you closer to getting the family you hope for,

X
D


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