# Moving on after IVF, how long will it take to be strong enough for adoption?



## mrsc75 (Apr 17, 2012)

Hi ladies,

I used to come onto the forum a lot in the early days of my ivf.  As you will see by my signature I was pregnant once but that wasn't a happy outcome, I've spent a good two years trying to come to terms with that, had another full cycle and really would have stopped I think if we hadn't had six frosties, so we had another two goes, last year was all about IVF and now we have decided that enough is enough and we arent going through it anymore.

I know in my heart its the right thing but I'm really struggling at the moment with all of the usual emotions.  the anger, jealousy, disappointment and emotions that Im sure you all have all experienced.  A huge amount of grief for my lost baby and a massive fear of adoption. not because I don't think we can cope but more because of what the child or children we adopt will be coming from.  Im so angry and frustrated that its come to this for us, but I'm not getting any younger and I know it could be amazing.

My feelings are so mixed at the moment and I just want to bury my head in the sand, am doing all manner of distracting techniques at the moment.

How are you coping?  Is anyone else stuck in limbo?  I just feel a huge sense of disbelief and denial at the moment like I dont even know what I want anymore.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Hello mrsc75,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. :-( I will move your post to the adoption forums, to attract more responses.

It's a really good question you are asking. I think the journey to being strong enough for adoption is different for each person, because we have different expectations and desires. 

I can give my story (in brief) if it helps?

My DH and I did not cope well with infertility. Denial, anger, fear... Very few days of TTC were happy. We talked about adoption, as an option, for several years. When we experienced a series of early losses, something in us broke. We realised how broken our relationship had become by our choices over the four years, and we both agreed it wasn't worth losing each other. 

For us, the main path to healing was actively choosing to live for ourselves rather than by our desire to be parents. We had relationship counselling, I took on a challenging but rewarding job, my DH donated a kidney. In many ways, we grew up and grew together. 

There were no guarantees that we would make it this far or achieve this much. And I think, realising and accepting that was what got us most of the way here...! Parenting is all about coping with uncertainty. And adoption agencies will be testing you to find out your limits.

It was I who just decided one day that we were ready to move forward through adoption. It was a scary week, as nothing at all triggered that switch. It was just a realisation I had that I needed to move forward to feel good about myself and our lives. I learned as much as I was going to, about the needs of adoptive children and about myself. Most of all, I knew being rejected by adoption agencies wouldn't break me, like TTC had. 

Turns out I was right. ;-)  DH and I were asked to defer a year, because they wanted more time between going to panel and our relationship breaking down (side note: it has been over two years already).  

So when will I be "strong enough"? 

How long is a piece of string? The agency looked at medical records over two years old and questioned whether I was strong enough. My GP, and everyone else who knows me, disagrees. The agency arbitrarily set a year as the timeline to re-apply. But what is going to happen this year that hasn't already happened? 

When you know, you just know. 

You will not feel like the same person you are today. Trust that time will help you heal. And don't hesitate to ask for support or help from peers or clinicians/therapists. Your well-being is the essential foundation to a healthy happy family. Xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello MrsC

I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling and what's happened. I do remember with deep sadness the end of our IVF journey. 
For me the start of my healing was after we talked about adoption seriously. We had counselling at the ivf clinic and decided adoption was for us. Like you I felt we were getting older and didn't want to miss out anymore.

DH was on board before me and just seeing the relief on his face when I said we could apply just said it all for me. After speaking to social worker for the first time with the agency we chose (the right one) I felt relief and a sense of lightness that was so welcome. 
Once we made that decision I experienced a lot (huge outlet) of grief. Grief for my lost baby (2nd trimester like you) and for our infertility and for all the sadness and heartache we had gone through. 
I still grieve my lost daughter of course. And I still feel sadness at the struggle we faced for a couple of years whilst ttc. I also feel envy at other mothers but not because of their genetic link, or because they had newborns, pregnancy etc, but just because I'm early in placement and its hard for me at the moment but the other mothers I see have had time to get use to it and I'm sure don't feel as stressed as I do. They have no idea I'm new to it all. Also I have siblings to look after and at toddler groups so far I've only come across mothers with single children, they tend to have one in school or nursery before having their second child. Whereas mine came at once - with a BANG!! 
I honestly feel such pride for my LOs. And think that it will get easier as I get more experience and get to know my LOs better. I'm still afraid as to how they will react when we are out and about, but just because I don't know them well enough. They haven't reacted in any alarming ways as yet 

I posted the following thread just before we applied and it really helped me so much. I was relieved to hear that the grief doesn't have to go away, I can accept it instead, and I actually have.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=306616.0

But please be kind to yourself it is the hardest thing to grieve for infertility and loss on top is just the most awful thing. It makes me cry writing this and thinking about it.

Also you don't have to rush, if you need some time you can take it. I'm 40 and DH is 50 and nobody ever questioned our ages. Most adopters I know are in their early - mid - late 40s. Early forties is considered Young enough to take a baby within our agency and I believe a lot if not most others.

I remember how ghastly I felt at having to make the decision but now I'm glad because it's making me a better person, and I've seen kindness and support from others that I never thought possible. If I'd been pregnant I wouldn't have experienced those amazing gestures and mostly I wouldn't have the beautiful children that I'm now so proud of. I'm sure we have challenges to face, but I want to do whatever I can for these children so it all makes sense now.

Sending you much love. Best wishes
GG xxxxx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

So sorry to hear about your losses.

We didn't have any treatment and decided to go for adoption when we realised we could not conceive naturally.  I thought that was all good and we were ready. However, I had a massive outpouring of grief when I discovered a friend of mine was pregnant and that she had been pregnant at our wedding. I needed that time to be very sad for what couldn't be and how unfair it seemed we had to try so hard to have something which came so easy to most (or so it felt). I needed that time to be sad, angry and jealous and then...I didn't feel that way anymore and I knew I was ready. I think you need that time to work through it.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi MrsC, not an awful lot to add to the others wise words. For me we had already half moved on from Ivf before our third and final attempt. When I look back at the 7 years we spent ttc if horrifies me to see the person it made me. Fortunately I feel more of the old me coming back and a bit of a new me too. It was all consuming, the constant grief and despair of failure month after month. The complete inability to be pleased for any friends who got pregnant - they just fell by the wayside, I could not cope with it at all and very few people understand that.
At the end of our ttc journey I sat down and I wrote down what it was that made me so sad, what particular things I'd dreamed of experiencing or doing that were now gone forever and that included looking at it as a list of never having children. It was all the things I'd imagined, how I'd discover I was finally pregnant, how we would share our news etc etc, every tiny thing. Then I sat down and looked at the list and wrote down what of that list we would still have through adoption. At the end of it the difference between the two was very small. It helped me come to terms with it and start to see our future family in a different way.
As for age, we applied just after my 41st birthday and we are one of the lucky ones in we had a very speedy approval process and even quicker matching. Ours is not quite the normal adoption route as its a foster to adopt placement but not a normal foster to adopt placement as our beautiful baby boy was placed with us as foster carers but only after having his placement order issued which is unusual and was used to make sure he moved to us as early as he could. Our beautiful baby boy came to us at exactly 6 months old, there are no concerns on background or medical side, he is an extremely normal baby who was placed with foster carers straight from hospital as a newborn. He arrived to us just under 4 weeks before my 42nd birthday.
The minute we started our adoption journey I felt this huge pressure lift from us and it's just gets better everyday. A friend has just announced she's expecting her second and for a split second I was jealous again but literally a split second as I looked at our amazing baby boy and thought -Yep but she hasn't got him and we have and we are the luckiest people ever. He's been with us 7 weeks now and I am frequently in tears of sheer happiness as I look at him and think of how amazing he is and am all consumed with love for him and I honestly can't imagine loving a birth child more. He is completely and totally ours and that thought overwhelms me with happiness and that helps to erase the pain of all those years.


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## Bluebell261 (Jan 31, 2010)

Hi Mrsc75,

First of all sending you a huge hug. Life can be pretty pants sometimes and throw us a deck of cards that we weren't expecting to have to play. But, you are not alone there. Keep reading the forums, it made me feel 'normal' that I wasn't the only one in this situation.

I'm sorry for all your losses xx

We only had 2 rounds of IVF, the first in 2011 which resulted in BFP and m/c and the second in 2013 (autumn) which resulted in BFN. It took me a long time to come to terms with both results. After my BFN I went to my clinic for a counselling session. I was expecting tea and sympathy and didn't get it. What I got was a right royal talking to, something along the lines of 'so from what you've said you always expected your life to be like a scene from the little house in the prairie with lots of kids running around and you in the kitchen baking etc, well that's not going to be your life so you better get over it and started thinking of another life for yourself' Eek!!! I didn't go for another session, and felt worse when I came out than before I went in.

It took me about a year to grieve for our own biological child/no more treatment. Last year was just about us, we went abroad 4 times, had lots of mini breaks in the UK and just spent time home forgetting about IVF and concentrating on why we loved each other and wanted to be together no matter what.

We are both feeling strong now and are both certain that adoption is the only way to realise our dream of being a family. It's also a nicer way too, we're not throwing good money after bad like with IVF and it's not medically intrusive, I don't have to physically experience pain through adoption. Yes there's lots of waiting around, and it's intrusive in terms of what SS want to know about you, but it's almost certain once you're on the journey that the outcome will be positive. You can't say that about IVF.

Don't get me wrong I still have days where I feel disappointed with the deck of cards I have.. Take yesterday as an example, there was a pregnant women on my train I was standing next to her whilst I was waiting to get off. She had the most perfect bump and looked absolutely beautiful like she was glowing, I felt sad I would never experience that. Then in the afternoon in a training session, the trainer out me in a hypothetical scenario where I was pregnant and leaving to go on mat leave. This was in front of a room of around 15 where around 5 people knew about our IVF journey. I felt quite emotional again that I wouldn't be in that situation. 

However, getting home I realised even though those situations had tugged on my heart strings, instead of letting them ruin my day/evening/weekend, I was excitidely talking to DH about our adoption journey and when it would be starting and to link our LO could be out there already waiting for us. 

I guess what I'm trying to say in answer to your question is it took me one year to feel I was about to start thinking of adoption positively as our means to have a family, and even though I know 100% this is the right journey for us, I still get days when something may catch my breath for a moment, I am sure everyone does.

At our recent open evening, they said they wanted people to be at least 6 months post treatment before considering adoption. I wasn't ready after 6 months but that was just me. If you can get away, forget about what a horrible time you have had and realise why life is fantastic. Keep little notes of all the good things that happen to you and put them in a jar-open it up and read them when you are feeling down. Do all the things you couldn't do if you had kids, spontaneous nights away etc.

You will know in your heart of hearts when you are ready.

Sorry if I've rambled, will be thinking of you. Come back if you need to talk at any time Xx


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## mrsc75 (Apr 17, 2012)

Hello Ladies,

First of all I just want to say thank you so much for responding and for moving my post Handstitched mum, think that was the right thing.  I haven't been here all weekend and was amazed at the replies.

I suppose a good thing is that I was too busy all weekend to think too much or be too wrapped up in emotion which is how I felt on Friday, I think what a few of you have said about spending just time together, and trying to get back to what was important pre-IVF is a good idea. I like the times when theres nothing going on and me and my hubby aren't thinking about the things we don't have and what we have lost through all of this.  I did have a bad day yesterday when I found another couple we know are pregnant and I was mopey last night but I got a lot of sleep and talked to my hubby about things.  They are so lovely, I cant feel bitter its not about them I think its just about me, and I have a long way to go to accept there won't be a pregnancy or a child of our own.  I'm almost in limbo again in terms of thinking of trying to actually get pregnant over the next few months so I can say that I'm truly past that when we go down the adoption road.  Im 40 soon, Im thinking that might be the landmark and the time where I say move on.

Your journeys have warmed me because I don't feel alone and its so wonderful to hear how having a child placed can be worth all that went before.  I think there will come a time when we know we are ready I suppose still having a bit of a hope that I'll find myself pregnant is partly normal but a good indicator that we probably aren't ready to go further right now.

I think what is really interesting is that all of you have mentioned totally different stories but very similar feelings.
thanks you all soo much.

I want to read them all again so I can take it all in xx


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi MrsC. I think a fair few of us can sympathise with this limbo stage. It's such a disappointing & frustrating stage to be at. Of course everyone will get to the ready to move on stage at different times. I've been pregnant 3 times & lost them all. I've been thinking about adoption for about 5yrs but I got pregnant a couple of times since then & now it's been 3years since my last miscarriage & I feel now is the time. I hope your time comes soon.
Good luck.


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