# changing middles names?



## keemjay

Hiya this is all going round and round in my head and i cant make up my mind what to do for the best so any advice welcomed...
I always thought that we would either add to or change any adopted child we had's middle name. I felt it would be nice for us to be able to give a child part of their name. BUT now its come to I'm not sure what to. I'm not mad on Littlies middle name but it is also her BM's name so I feel i ought to keep it and add a name instead. so she would have 3 names in all..not too much of a problem really...
The Problem is baby bro (who we are hoping to also adopt in the near future, although nothings definite yet ) he has his name +2 middle names so already has 3 in total. I feel if we give Littlie an extra name then we should do the same for him to be fair,  but then he'll end up with 4 
i thought about just taking away all their current middle names and just starting afresh and giving them 1 each, but it still feels wrong..esp that we take out littlies BM's name 
what would you do? how important do you think middle names are anyway? do you think I'm being silly thinking we should do the same for both ?what did everyone else do?

any thoughts greatly welcomed 
kj x


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## LB

Hi hun

your head sounds battered 
poor you its a heck of a decision - i can only say follow your instinct and remember that one day you will probably by asked by your child about all the decisions you have made  - i think you could justify any decision you make - ie new start or keeping bm's name so i think you have valid reasons for whatever you choose.  Try not to be too hard on yourself though 
i totally understand you wanting to add another name and that is what we would have done but bubs second name is the same as my hubby's so we felt that fate played  a hand! 
sometimes the more you think about things the bigger it becomes  - i do it all the time!!

take care
LB
X


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## ritzi

the great name debate  

if i were you i would keep DD name and add one of your choice/family.....and later explain why

for DS (   ) i would probably keep one of the middle names - if you like the 'significant' one - and again add one of your choice/family....and later explain why

that just makes sense in my head.... 

i'm not sure how important middle names are for most people - they give choice later in life if people hate their first names - but lots of people dislike their middle names anyhow - mine is vile as if dh's    (his adopted family kept both his names and only changed the surname - my name was changed at 18 months when my parents got marrried - my first name was spelt differently and surname changed  ) 

for adopted children i feel middle names are important because they can reflect their stories - ie birth names and adopted names blended together....

i know all the arguments so please don't shoot me (though they would in prep group) - but we would seriously think with our future children of changing their names if possible if we felt we couldn't live with their first names (or we'd put them as middle names) our surname doesn't go with any B names very nicely so we'd be stuck if we had a child called 'billy' or similar (love the name just sounds horrendous with our surname). we've even discussed reverting to my maiden name if we had a 'B' child just to avoid the yuk factor with our surname if changing it wasn't possible  

names are a big deal so i don't think you are being silly    hope someone can come up with a good idea for you - does BM/BF/SW have an opinion? 

ritz


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## ♥ M J ♥

KJ-the old name debate!  

My thoughts for how we would do things (in theory) is to add an extra name and not remove any and explain when they are older the in's and outs of it and how you didnt want to remove "birth names" however you wanted to add an extra name of your choice when she joined "the family" 

Ritzi- i can understand what your saying about a name going with your surname- our Surname is a boys name and when going through HS we did state what names we "didnt like" and our reasons- we only put 3 names down- our surname in both the boys and girls version and also another girls name however did say we would like this as a middle name. i know it may sound harsh however maybe talk to your SW about excluding names that may begin with a B or that may "clash" with your surname (that could cause bullying/teasing) or even maybe you could double barral your maiden name and your married name (i would have done this however my maiden name was also a boys name! ) 

please keep us updated in your choice

xxx


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## Charliegirl

Hi KJ,

Just a quick one to say we have our little man's Adoption Day in court coming up soon-yipee!! and he had a middle name already,which we really didn't feel we could change, but we wanted to add another. The problem was, i wanted to add my Dad's name, and as (coincidentally), DS's original middle name in my Grandad's name, we felt we should add something from DH's side of the family too. So, consequently, he will now have 3 middle names-the one BM gave him, my dad's name and DH's Dad's middle name! We don't see it as a problem at all, as his full name will rarely be used. We hope in the future, he'll appreciate the fact that we didn't take away any of his names (one of the very few things BM gave him), and that he also has some family names to reflect his very special place in our family!  

That's just how we chose to do things-good luck in making your decision!

Love and best wishes,

Charlie. x


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## jilldill

Hi KJ,
This is an ongoing discussion and a really tricky one because names are important. In our case we have grown to love "Sunshine's" first name, we removed her middle name and added my DH's Mum's name who you may remember died just before we had the call about our baby.
I think it is lovely to add your own name. I would remove some of your possible DS's middle names and then add a name so (fingers crossed!) both your children would have a name given by you. I have to say I would remove your DD's middle name though I do absolutely understand your reasons for not doing.
Let it mull over quietly in your mind and the answer may just come to you!
Love JD x


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## keemjay

thanks all for all your thoughts and stories..it seems everyone has their own way of looking at it..I think I'm worrying about removing any of their names because i dont want it to be an issue of conflict between us in years to come... but I just feel mean at poor baby bro having reams of names to fill out on forms for his whole life 
its a bit all or nothing i guess..either leave them be and add our choice or just leave them be and add nothing 
littlies sw didnt seem to have much of an opinion..perhaps ours will be more helpful...
we have our 2nd review on Tues and i'm panicking that they might start wanting to fill out forms or something and we'll have need to have made our minds up 

thanks all 

kj x


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## superal

Name debates!!!

Many of you will remember that we were lucky enough to change our DD first name and we kept her birth name as her middle name...........with me so far........good............we had full backing form all SWS involved and although the BM was not keen that we were going to change her name she understood why we wanted to and even started to refer to her as the name we had chosen.  WE WERE VERY LUCKY!

In changing DDS name and giving her the birth name as her middle name we got rid of her original middle name,  again we told SWS & BM why and got full backing.  The original middle name had not significant meaning, eg named after BM, grandparent etc, so we did not feel guilty about removing this name. 

Our DD is now 7 & for many many years she has known that her middle name was her birth name and she has said on more than one occasion that she prefers the name we chose and not her middle name and that she is glad we changed it, this may alter when she is older and is going through that rebelion stage!!

Our DS was nearly 4 when we adopted him so to change his names would have felt wrong and it isn't one we would recommend for a child who is as old as he was.  Our DS knew his name including full names and surname so his FM had to work hard with him to teach him that now he was having a new Mummy & daddy his new surname would be.........We were really happy that FM had done this hard work for us but we also felt we wanted to add a middle name from us to him.  We asked DS what he wanted to be called.................big mistake!!  

What was the name he chose...............buzz lightyear!!

We talked him around to having his dads name as his middle name and yes he has his first name and 2 middle names to fill out on forms but it could have been a lot worse!!

When you got o court to legally adopt your little ones the judge will ask you what do you call this child? (or words to that effect!!)  

My DH being a clever so and so and knowing the judge already ( ) had prepared the judge for what he was about to say but not us.

So when this was said DH said first name, middle name 1, middle name 2 & then added on buzz light year & then our surname.  DS was really made up, of course buzz light year is not one of his names and I think he would die if he had to fill that in on any forms at nearly 15!!

Go with what you think is best for you and your little one(s)

Love
Andrea
xx


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## saphy75

personally i think i would remove their middle names and add my own, i would explain when the child/children are older the reasons for me doing this were that i wanted to give him/her part of his/her name but didn't want them to have too many names. i really think this is a personal choice and there are no right or wrong answers as parents all we can do is our best  

pam xx


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## superal

Pam

I couldn't have said it better!!!

""_I really think this is a personal choice and there are no right or wrong answers, as parents all we can do is our best"_

Why could I not have just wrote that than the long reply I did!!! 

Love
Andrea
xx


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## everhopeful

Hiya

Just to add mine in to the equation.... we were allowed to replace DD's middle names (yes there was more than 1!!) and gave her a middle name of our choice.

This way, we felt was best for DD. She's kept her main identity by having the name her BM chose and then gained our surname so she's part of our family. By replacing her middle name, she's also gained something that we chose for her.

Gosh, I hope she approves when she's older !!


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## Ruthiebabe

Hi,

as an irish catholic we have reams of middle names. I've got 3, 2 from my baptism then we take another when we do our confirmation. But i don't use them all on forms or passports etc....just the the first one. So I wouldn't worry about you DS having to use all his names all his life. 

We thought we'd change Boo's middle name, but he was 3 when we legally adopted him so we "involved " him in the decision process. He decided all he wanted to be called was his own name "boo". So anytime we made any suggestions he just kept saying "no, I'm "boo"".....he got quite iritated with us so we gave up and kept his names as they were.

I'm sure what ever you decide you'll be able to exapain to you kids why you made the decision you made!

xruthie


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## TraceyH

KJ

I would go with your instinct and what you feel is right.

We changed our little one's middle name as it was so hideous and I am hoping he will thank us in year's to come, but we would have probably changed it anyway.  We gave him a couple of DH's family names as DH's father did not live long enough to meet his grandson and also we liked them, so he has 3 names in total.

Tracey


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## Viva

Good thread, we filled in our forms about 4 weeks ago now and the middle name bit for DS was the hardest. As some of you may remember we met our DS and DD's BP's and one of the things we talked about at length was their names and why they were choosen. The BP's were really keen that we kept the first names which we really like and would have kept anyway so that bit was easy. DD had two middle names, one being BM's middle name and another after one of the BD's grandmothers, we weren't that keen on either and one of them I really don't think she'd have thanked us for keeping, anyway BM mentioned that if she was naming her now she would have called her by a different middle name, which is a name we love and has wonderful significance in it's meaning, so we're going with that, as we can almost say we choose it together. This then left us with the difficulty of DS's name like Andrea's DS our son knows his first name (and spelling) and has asked what his middle name is, they are names we like and sound really cool with our surname, however they are both really wierdly spelt, we can't change the first (although I'd love to as it would just confuse him as he's learning to write his name) but we are going to change the spelling to make his middle name the Indian spelling of his name (DS and DD are 25% Indian-long story!) which then gives it a lovely meaning. Hopefully they'll both be happy with what we have done in the future. I do think though that it is a very personal decision and depends so much on your surname and they childs first name as some names will happily take more than one middle name and with others it can get a real mouthful! 
Viva
XXX


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## magenta

We have kept Bubbles' middle name because it is more 'significant' in terms of her story than her first name. We couldn't change her first name cos..well...it is her name and, although not on my 'shortlist' it is prefectly lovely and very much 'her'.  It would be more than odd to start calling her something else after so long - she was 2.5 by the time we got to court so Bubbles Middlename Surname it is.  

I thought about adding another name...I quite like Grace or Hope but after many discussions we left it.  DHs winning arguement was that the name was all she had from BPs and it would be wrong to mess with it when we only wanted to add an extra middle name for the sake of 'making her ours' which she already was.  Personally couldn't argue that one.  She is our daughter and always will be. We have given her so much already and will give her much more for the rest of her life. Her BPs couldn't /weren't able to give her anything but a name....so for us, and for Bubbles, it will remain just as BM wanted.

However, I am very much of the opinion that each adoptive family needs to make these decisions for themselves.  

Magenta x


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## keemjay

thank you all again..its great to hear everyones personal stories and thoughts...still no decision but we're getting there i think!!

kj x


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## ♥ M J ♥

feehilyfan said:


> no unfortunately not - hmmm will have to talk to SW about this methinks


thats a shame- defo chat to your SW and it

i think as DH has such a large family somewhere along the line i could of found a link to a name however only one is our DS middle name to my bro and our DD first name (well first part) is what one of DH'samily getscalled as a short verion of their full name

Please let us know the out come

xxx


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## keemjay

me again, another names question 

baby bro will (cross fingers) be 9 months when he comes to us. I was quite 'disappointed' originally when i heard what they'd called him (we knew about him before he was born) Littlie has a fairly unusual name and spelling and i love it..baby bros is a bit i dunno ordinary and bottom line is i'm just not keen. it is his BF first name tho...i've tried to make myself like it and the longer times gone on i've just accepted i'll just have to get on with/over it.
UNTIL..the other day somebody suggested adding a particular letter to the beginning of his name and it makes a name i REALLY like..it doesnt change the pronounciation but it makes it a bit different so more in keeping with littlies name... and it thus cancels out the dilemma i started this thread with which was whether to give him an extra middle name as we have done with littlie..if we simply add this letter i dont feel the need to give him anything else...
DH says its wrong to do it esp as his name is BF name but he has to admit that he likes it better too.
i dont know whether to say anything to the sw's...matching panel is imminent..and i dont want to rock the boat but i feel like i should talk to someone about it..perhaps i dont need to mention till after panel/ratification as its only a few more weeks  at a meeting the other week our sw's manager asked us about his name and i did mention that i wasnt keen but that i'd accepted it (cos thats what they want to hear but it wasnt exactly the truth!) so i'll be kinda contradicting myself 
i've just re-read this thread with everyones thoughts on names and I KNOW first names are important but we do have to live with it 
any tips/ideas/thoughts/advice...please
kj x


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## Lady Lucy

I have found this thread really useful, I was orignally very keen to give our little chick a new extra middle name but concerned about a whole mouthful of names for form filling etc  However as someone put it a name given to them when they joined the family and became 'ours' is very significant, not so much that you are putting your stamp on them but more making them feel that we are 'theirs' if that makes sense.  So we will give little chick a new name regardless.

KJ, I think it won't matter if you are upfront about it or not, they are not going to not place your DDs baby brother with you just for that reason but if they are nit-picking types who will go on and on about it prior to the matching then don't bother to mention it as you don't want to feel backed into a corner and promise not to change it when really you do want to.  Maybe at the start of the intros say you have had a change of mind, can't cope with it and want to change it to xxxx.  Again by that point its too late for them to do more than pass comment on it.  Its not so much that you're deceiving them, more that it's just not worth the hassle!
Catherine
x


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## ♥ M J ♥

This thread is great for me as DD has 2 names however DS has 3 names - DD 3rd name is my bro's middle name- we want to add a 3rd name to DD as we always had a "girls middle name" picked out and really want to add this

KJ- i would tell them after panel as if its just adding one letter then i see no probs

xxx


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## Old Timer

This is an interesting thread and something we are starting to think about cautiously!

Littlie's first name is just a name BM liked and though it wouldn't be our choice is suits him and we are fine with it.  His middle name is BM's fathers middle name so we feel we should keep it but we also want to add a name of our choice.

KJ, I wouldn't say anything for now.  My Bil & Sil adopted a little boy aged 12months and didn't like his name or the reason he had been given it and started calling him a different name from the start.  They have kept his original name as a middle name.

OT x


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## Suzie

KJ - The little one we have with us has a very unusual spelling of a name and for a few reasons including being easily traced and him not being able to spell it or people pronouncing his name incorrectly (even the judge in court did!  ) we are changing the spelling of it. 
I spoke to the legal team via our sw and we can change the spelling of it now on things like pre school forms etc and once  the legal adoption happens then we can apply to change the spelling of it on his official documents. 
hope that helps?

xx


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## keemjay

thanks for all your thoughts..have kept Schtum for now and am still milling it over in my head..one thought i had was how i was going to feel writing letterbox contact to BP's year after year writing his name and rubbing their nose in the fact that we've changed it every time 
ho hum , will keep thinkng

kj x


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## Viva

Hi KJ, 
I have to admit that I probably would add that extra letter (am also somewhat intrigued to what his name is as I can't think of any names you could change like that  ) in terms of the BF, do you have to tell them that you changed the name? You could surely just refer to him by his old name in the letter?
Anyway I'm sure that you'll come to a good resolution!
Viva
X


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## cindyp

DD never had a middle name but DS had two which we dropped in favour of our own choice.  Our feeling is that they are of a lesser significance and if he really wanted to he can change his own name when is older to include them again.

I remember when I was looking at profiles the second time around there was a little boy with a name that was so distinctive it would have had to be changed in order for him not to have been recognised.  Fortunately for us both our children had birth names that were nice and not out of the ordinary.  In fact as I have mentioned before DS's birth name was the one that I had chosen for a boy when I was pg  

It's not easy but I'm sure you will make the best decision for the whole of your family.

Cindy


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