# Guilt



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Guys

Just need to vent really!

I'm really struggling with LO's clingyness right now. She's a year old so 'that age' which I'm told by loads of people is the clingy stage. She was only placed with us 2 weeks ago and I really need to suck it up but I'm struggling with it A LOT. Of course she is clingy...she's with a new family who she only met 3 weeks ago and she's only a teeny-tiny, I get it, I'm just struggling to deal with it. From no children to having one who has to be in my space all the time is hard. And I'll be honest, I'm not a massively tactile person, so I don't like being touched all the time / have my face grabbed / hair pulled / fingers bitten hard on a teething day!

Reading stuff on non-adoption sites makes me feel tremendously guilty because they constantly say that playpens are evil (I pop her on whilst I cook dinner as my oven gets seriously hot - its a range cooker), that I should involve her in my every task....now I AM trying but it's hard. I'm pegging out washing with her and she's climbing up my leg or trying to eat grass /dirt/stones. The peg basket is a good distraction. I'm trying to tidy up after breakfast so I give her a plastic spoon / spatula to play with. All of these I'm ok with but has anyone got any other ideas for when I'm hoovering? I have to put her in her pen then as she's busy trying to hang herself on the Hoover lead!

If I do something for more than a minute she grizzles. It's not a cry, it's a grizzle. And honestly it drives me mad. I know some people say 'leave the housework' but actually tht depresses me, I have two dogs and I need to Hoover. I like to use her nap for some down time.

This morning she has done nothing but cry all morning about everything and nothing. If I'm not holding her, she's crying, and picking her up makes it worse because she doesn't want to be put back down. All I ever read is that they are only babies for a short time and to enjoy it when they cling as they won't before you know it and will be sulky teenagers etc etc.

I feel so guilty for getting so fed up but honestly the only time I get a minute to myself is when she is asleep. 

I guess I just need to offload. She is amazing, but when she's like this, I feel myself turning into a horrible, heartless mum who can't bear the grizzles and seriously could shut the door and walk away for ten minutes!

The SW said last week that what we put on in the first 6 weeks is what we'll get out in the long run. I'm doing my best but I'm starting to worry its not enough. She is happy and she is settling in well but I worry I don't offer enough comfort or reassurance because when she grizzles I try to ignore it instead of picking her up every time.

Any words of wisdom? What is the balance here? 

Thank you x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

have you tried bubble mix? it's both calming for the bubble blower and a great distraction for the small person watching..


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

maybe buy a lightweight carpet sweeper and make a game out of trying to push it around, that way you get up the dog hair while you play.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

I've not adopted so don't have the same experience as you but have you tried putting her in a sling while you hoover and stuff? She'll be cuddled up close to you and you'll have both hands free x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

This may not appeal to you because you have said about not being overly tactile but slings mean she is attached to you and you have your hands free for hoovering / other tasks. Obviously wouldn't work with cooking due to dangers but may help other house work. They are about £30 on amazon.  

The other thing is as my SW said when you have a birth child you are eased into parenting. Although new parents don't realize it (her words not mine) a new born actually sleeps for 18+ hours in a 24 hour period. So parents of a new born are actually only parenting for on average 5 hours a day at first and this gradually goes up over the first weeks and months as they sleep less. Adoption is full on from the start most people have  months of parenting experience and 9 months of pre parenting bonding because they have had a pregnancy when the have a child of your age. Do not feel guilty love has to be built with adoption it takes time on both sides. 

Perhaps ask DH or a family member if they will hoover twice a week for you for the next few weeks. 

The other thing is that play pens are not cruel if they keep a child safe people have to eat - the only alternative I can suggest is one of those funny chairs that keep a child still but can go on surfaces etc so can be put on the worktop near you while you cook. She may be to big for one though sorry don't know the brand. 

Parenting is different for each person. People don't tend to give the background to their situation when making these general criticisms. For example these women who disagree with play pens may have a cleaner or put their children into nursery a day a week for example. Makes having those views easier because they are able not to use them. You are not and you are doing a great job. Remind yourself of that everyday. For me I find it easier to get through really hard times by focusing on the future e.g. I'd think 12 months from now we will be so in love and happy and we just need to fight through to that point.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Sorry for the repeat someone added the sling while I was posting x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tomy-Bumbo-Floor-Seat-Aqua/dp/B000GX31F2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1373885389&sr=8-2&keywords=baby+chair

This is the chair they go up to 10 kg don't know if that's too small

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dbaby&field-keywords=baby%20slings&sprefix=baby+slings%2Cbaby&rh=i%3Ababy%2Ck%3Ababy%20slings

Here's some slings some go up to 18 months some are smaller x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Just googled 10 kg is average for 14 months so chair should fit if you fancy it x


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

I would just say if LO is quite mobile they might climb out of a bumbo which could be dangerous if they're put up on a surface...

maybe a jumperoo or similar would be helpful while you are cooking?


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

A bumbo will be too small but either the Ergo or the Action Baby Carrier will be ok. You can rent an ABC for a fortnight to try it out. But a playpen in the room will be fine if she can see you, and you keep going over and stroking her to reassure her.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks guys. She is very mobile - nearly walking. We have an ergo but FC told us not to use it too much in case she comes to rely on it so we use it for walks only and not around the house - she is very experienced and said in her view if I wasn't careful LO could become a real 'mummy's girl'. Obviously I want her to be into me, but not to the extent where she cries or grizzles every time she isn't having physical contact with me, so I'm encouraging DH to do lots of baths etc when he comes home and I can see this is really strengthening their bond.

I think as you say Gwyneth, adopters aren't eased into parenting - its BAM! Suddenly you have a very active one year old.

Having said all of the above, right now she is playing in the same room as me but not WITH me and hasn't come over at all! It's a small room so she's about a foot away, but I've given her the iPad case and she's loving it - all the toys in the world but she always wants the case, box, or wet wipes!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Glad she's being a bit easier this afternoon be kind to yourself and remember do what is best for you and lo. Others can only give advice only you know what is working or not working when you are at home all day x x


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Hello

I haven't been in the adopting situation but I do have two small children and I also run my own business from home.  Both of mine have had playpens and although some other mums have been a bit "sniffy" about it, I maintain that they are a really good way of making sure your LO is safe when you have to do something else.  I wouldn't suggest that you leave her there for long periods unattended but if you have something you need to do, I cannot see the problem in leaving her there with some nice toys and books to look at,and making sure you go back and fro frequently to speak to her/check on her.  The key is to have her in the playpen sometimes when you are with her so that she doesn't equate playpen time with being left on  her own.  If there is room to move the playpen to where you are busy so that she can see you, that is even better. Another technique I have found very useful is to have LO in high chair beside me when I am in, for example, the kitchen and give him/her some of what I am working with to play with (eg pieces of vegetables and some spoons/toy cutlery etc). If I am gardening or cleaning, I give them something to do which makes them feel involved (eg own duster or bit of earth to dig in with their own trowel).

It must be such a culture shock going from 0-60 so quickly  .  Having said that, I do think you have to accept that moments to yourself are going to be few and far between if your LO is anything like my two.  But it is funny how you acclimatise to this, and you will find ways of working round it. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job.  Do what feels right for you and your LO and don't let other mums make you feel guilty.

Ellie


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Yes we've had some success with the high chair in the kitchen when I need to do something.

Can't Daddy carry her in the Ergo? They fit men and women.


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi please don't feel guilty...........Going from no children to suddenly having a demanding one year old is hard work.
Has your DH gone back to work?  I'm just guessing he may have and the support you had from him has gone and your lo will also notice that her daddy isn't there.
Yes house work can stop and wait but when you have to do it and don't like leaving things its hard to adjust to not doing it.  Just be kind to yourself your doing a fantastic job and your LO loves you for it....it may just not feel like that right now.
You have had some good suggestions and the only thing I really wanted to add was that you mustn't feel guilty as this can trigger a vicious circle of emotions and you have enough to deal with right now.  Just remember to take things aas easy as you can.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

you've been given excellent advice already  
we used one of these with our 2..

http://www.kiddicare.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/productdisplay0_10751_-1_13102_10001

it keeps them close by..i used it all the time in the kitchen when i was preparing food..which was often a flashpoint in the early days..i'd give them little bits of food to nibble on..or pots and cups etc to play with..playdough, pens when they were a bit bigger..and around 18 months/2 they would 'help' chop up things..it was a godsend..i was really pleased we had it..

kj x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks guys for all the helpful suggestions. DH does carry her in the ergo on walks - I have done but DH finds is easier, I'm quite petite so a bit of a slow walker with her attached to me and I like her to have snuggles with him and build up their bond.

I'm liking the bumbo chair a lot and might get one, I also like the pod thingy - my DH is a talented craftsman in his 'spare' time so I think he'll easily knock me up one of those.

Thank you again, very much appreciated x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

For fear of saying what you don't want to hear, I would be very wary about leaving a newly placed child in a play pen if they were upset by it.  This early in placement I think it's sensible to give them what they need.  If she sees that you are there for her when she needs you, she will gradually become more comfortable with being left.  I know it's hard, but what happens in the first few weeks of placement is so important in the long run.  At the moment she is almost certainly terrified that she will be abandoned again, she has no understanding of why everything has changed, and her needyness is unlikely to diminish until she feels comfortable that you are always going to be there for her.  She is likely to be functioning at an emotional age significantly younger than her actual age due to the recent upheaval and trauma of losing the f/c.  I would be inclined to make the most of her need for closeness, even if I were uncomfortable with it, to get as much close time as I could, as in the long run, it is likely to make things much easier.  I wouldn't feel guilty about not being comfortable with it though.  We can't help how we feel and suddenly having a child at this stage is an incredibly shock to the system, and it's only natural there are things that you're not going to like!

Bladelet is also very clingy at times, and it's hard balancing that with another child, and I feel very acutely that I am sometimes not giving him as much as he really needs.  I am trying my absolute best, and often use a sling in the house for quick tasks if he's not happy.  He likes being in a play pen in the garden if Wyxling or I am in there with him, which is fine for if hubby is using the mower or something, but he's not happy being in there on his own and I don't feel like it's going to help me in the long run to put him in there, however convenient it would be at times.

I did almost all housework when Wyxling was asleep after placement, it just ended up being necessary, and we're back there again.  I manage to do a few bits when the kids are awake, but that's more to keep the idea in their heads that this is something I do than out of any serious attempt to get much done.  The bits I do are often with Bladelet in the carrier, but it's very simple stuff like sorting the washing, getting snacks ready for going out etc.

A bouncer could be a really nice idea though, if she was happy in there, but on a clingy day, she may well just want to come straight out to you as soon as you start doing something else anyway.  

I hope you manage to find something that works for you.

Wyxie xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey Lily Elf,

I fully emphasise with you as I did feel rather put upon in the early days as little man would not give me a minute. Like Wxyie said I had to just go with it as he was just terrified. This little person had lost everything and due to good intros had learned to trust me go care for him but he didn't feeler urs that he wouldn't lose it again. It was about 6weeks in where I could prepare a dinner. It gets easier and the more il you meet her needs she will explore and grow.

Things that made life easier - big housework tasks I did when daddy did bath as that us one if their bonding times. I also used my support network to make meals & we prepared meals before DH left for work. Once LO was asleep I would go to gym, read a book, phone a friend, coffee with friend - basically anything that would be me time. This helped as otherwise I felt I had given my life to this little guy (I know we do as parents but the 0-60 feeling shocked me no matter how prepared we had been). The early weeks are soooo tough but they do pass. How is LO when out? I found LO wasn't as whiny/needy or if he was he bottled etc so he was easier to be with (sounds horrid I know) but we did a lot of supermarket runs for milk or bread as that killed some time til nap etc. 

Another thing that may help is singing to LO at a quiet time. Then when she's in playpen or chair when cooking you can sing to her and she feels connected. 

Big hugs in meantime though and lean on your support when you can.
X


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## nikki76 (Feb 1, 2011)

Hi there

I have no experience of adopted children but as a mum of an one year i wanted to let you know IMO children get clingy for a reason and I am not sure it's a good idea to try to 'fix' this! Maybe just try to be there for her and give her as many cuddles as she needs as poor lo has gone through a lot! You might need to think what's more important for you and your family, that she becomes a mummy's girl but at the same time she builds in the confidence she needs by getting all the cuddles and reassurance she needs at this moment of her life or that you manage to toughen her up and get her to learn to play on her own ( do you really care about the latter)

My lo is upset and extremely clingy if someone comes home cause he thinks they ll take me away   I could ignore this just to toughen him up but I don't,.. I give him lots of cuddles and reassure him that mummy is here for him always

As for playpen no right or wrong. I used it for a few days but lo kept on crying,  no point to see him upset so got rid of it. I just adjusted by life so that I never leave him unattended unless he's in the cot

Parenting is very difficult and time consuming, I know it's a shock but you ll get there and you ll be surprised how good you ll be. IMO just give ur lo lots of cuddles and make her feel good! Don't go by books and experts' advice that she might end up being mummy's girl. That girl needs love and as a mummy you know how to give it

Good luck xxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks wyxie. She has actually started to enjoy her travel cot (play pen) and today was very happy to go in, grinning at me and started playing with her toys. I don't tend to dump her in it and walk away, I stay in the room to settle her in and then when I need to cook I put Baby Einstein on which she now loves, despite not ever watching tv particularly - its never on, only when she is in bed and we watch an hour. The FC actually told us to do the travel cot with toys thing which is why we got it. Today she was really tired at 4pm and and actully asked to go in it - I think she views it as 'down time'. I know that might sound unusual for a one year old, but she does like time out when very tired like today and gives clear signals like grabbing her blanket and trying to lie on the floor. The time it is used is from 4.30 -5.00 when I prepare her dinner and because I've done this from day one she's getting used to it - today she got excited when I put the tv on for Baby Einstein and was really happy which is a big breakthrough. I think she's a bit old for a bouncer and whilst she had a jumperoo, the FC said to save our money as she had grown out of it. I think perhaps because she was with older children, she has outgrown some things other babies her age might like. For instance she has a sippy cup but whenever she sees my nieces she helps herself to their more grown up bottles and yesterday at a picnic she helped herself to water in a botte, flipping the lid up and drinking. She does surprise me sometimes!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Also yes, DH is back to work, went back last week.

On the whole it's all going really well, I'm just finding it a shock and tend to have a bad few hours then feel like the worst person in the world. I just need to put her first no matter what, I realise that. There is so much conflicting advice out there, even with adopters, that sometimes its hard to know which way to turn or not to feel judged when you think you're getting stuff wrong. I'm doing my best and I'll keep going.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey Lily Elf,
You are doing great - you wouldn't be feeling guilty if you weren't putting your daughter first or worrying about her. We're all human and the reality versus the expectation is different for us all to some extent. I still have days where I feel tired/grumpy and its hard not to feel annoyed or resentful to LO if he's having a hard time and bring difficult. And yes I feel enormous guilt thinking this - but all I can do is be the best I can and know he is doing brilliant with us & that he's getting there with bond/attatchment etc. all parents have an off hour/day and through his life they won't be what is the consistent. 

X x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

LE   

I was where you are now 5 years ago!  It is a HUGE shock to the system becoming a parent, but becoming an adoptive parent is completely different and nothing can prepare you, no amount of reading, prep courses, babysitting etc.... the reality of having someone else (who you do not love right now) totally rely on YOU is completely draining.  You may even grieve for your old life   

BUT, it does and will get better, slowly.  One day you will realise that you feel better about things and that will be when you realise that you love your daughter   

No one can love someone straight away, it takes time and when that moment comes you will realise that being DD's mummy is the most wonderful thing in the world.

You know what you need to do with her, be there for her, whenever and wherever she wants you. However hard it is, drop everything for her if you need to, so what if you can't hang the washing out to dry for another hour, leave it.  
Hoovering - Let her help, and just accept that it is going to take twice as long, she will get bored and crawl away and then appear again.

Cooking - I would get a funpod or similar and have her with you, or if its possible maybe a sectioned off part of the kitchen, even if its just around the range (depends on your size of kitchen of course).  I used to have a stairgate on the kitchen door but ds would scream because he couldn't get to me, in the end I took it down and just accepted he would play at my feet but then walk into the lounge when I had to open the oven.  
Cook in batches, meal plan, have take-aways, microwave meals, other people to cook etc etc all just so you're not in the kitchen most of the time, just for the first month or so whilst dd is settling. 

AND, have plenty of 'you' time, go out with friends of an evening, have a glass of wine with dh of an evening and get plenty of sleep!

Things will fall into place soon, try not to over analyse everything, just because fc said something will or wont work, don't be afraid to do whats right for you and your family. 

Best of luck xxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy (Jan 16, 2012)

Lily elf your doing an amazing job honey and it will get easier I promise. 

Xxxxxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you Emma, Gertie, Wynnster......You've made me feel masses better. I am starting to love her and I think that's why I'm analysing myself so much. I want the best for her. She is a very sunny, happy little girl and was not traumatised as other children have been and was with a wonderful FC, we are very fortunate. Today turned into a good day though and these last 3 days her confidence has grown so much. She is happy and DH says my problems are with myself and how I feel about my abilities and he's right to be honest. He makes me recount everything we've done and I can see looking back that I am being a good mummy, I'm just struggling in my head and overly self-critical.x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Aww what a good hubby  They make sense sometimes lol


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Hello again
It sounds like you are feeling better about things now, and it also sounds like your DD is doing well too, so well done you!  Re playpens, I just wanted to say that I would never suggest leaving a LO in a playpen if he/she wasn't happy about it.  Like your DD, my LOs actually enjoyed being in their playpens - they were nice and comfy with lots of toys and books - and they sometimes actually asked to go in them (and DD even asked one of her wee friends to climb into it with her once, which was quite priceless as wee friend's mum did not really approve of them  ).  I agree that if a LO is upset or clingy or needy, the most important thing is to be there with cuddles and reassurance for as long as they need them.  If this means the house doesn't get cleaned or you end up having a cheese sandwich for tea, well, in my opinion at least, it doesn't matter.
Someone once said to me that when you become a mum you stop "doing things" and start just "being" - it took me a while to acclimatise to the fact that lists of jobs that would have been feasible before you were a mummy just sometimes don't get done after you become one.  I have also come to the conclusion that the best thing is to put your LO at the centre and work everything else round them rather than the other way round.
I think being overly critical of yourself comes with the territory when you are a mum, but if your LOs are happy and confident it shows that you must be getting things right.

Ellie


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