# thinking of adoption but health issues would love some support please



## jane baun (Apr 28, 2013)

We are starting to consider adoption but have had a dreadful time whilst TTC and now I have some ongoing health issues. I would really appreciate some advice. 

I have low amh, dh low sperm count and 5% motile. We were very luck to have BFP at 2nd icsi in june 2013 but sadly that ended in still birth at 22 weeks because the hospital missed obstetric cholestasis and severe IUGR. Heparin treatment at 12weeks when the IUGR was ignored would have save our son. 

We tried icsi twice more but my eggs are now reduced quality and no luck. 

My liver function tests have never gone back to normal since the pregnancy but are only mildly elevated. I have had MRI, liver ultrasound, fibroscan and liver biopsy at kings which were all fine except mild non specific liver inflammation. My liver consultant is happy to support our application and indicate that this will not be life limiting. I also have the obstetric support charity backing me up who are great. I have absolutely no symptoms from it and myself and hubbie are otherwise 100% healthy and always have been. 

I would love some opinions on our chances... or anyone else's experiences, would they just turn us down?

Thanks very much in advance.... trying to cling onto some hope


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

Jane - welcome. From what you have said, I wouldn't have thought it would be too much of an issue and at very least should not be an outright no. As long as you are honest with them from the start they should support you rather than dismiss you. You do need to have a medical and you may have more questions to answer but please don't let it stop you from applying or at least enquiring and finding out more. Good luck with everything.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi Jane
I would echo what Primmer has said. From what you have written I think you still have every chance with adoption. They will want to know all about it and it is very important you are honest but what they really want to ensure is that you are physically and mentally able to parent a child. If your doctor says this has no effect on your day to day health and won't in the future then this should hopefully support your application. 
You should definitely apply. Good luck x


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## jane baun (Apr 28, 2013)

thank you primmer and lorella, I'm glad you think its hopeful 

We are trying to decide if we give treatment one more go... or rest and try for adoption. We will need to sell our one bedroom flat and buy a house first- would go back to home town ( Brum) for family support though. I worry that the still birth and our sadness due to the failings of the hospital would be viewed as a barrier also.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi X
If you are likely to be a regular poster, it might be worth changing your user name as I presume the one you are using is your real name?   

If that is the case, then let me know and I will remove all references to your name from this thread.
Good luck
X

Ps.  I very much doubt your health 'issue' would be a show stopper as your 'condition' is not life limiting, has no impact on day to day life and is not a mental health issue x


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## jane baun (Apr 28, 2013)

thank you Dame Edna, but its not my real name

I did have 1 week of diazepam after my still birth, and 1 week after our last treatment just because I get the 5 day baby blues when the progesterone is withdrawn. But otherwise I have coped without anything. I hope they would let me off that given the circumstances!


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Ok Jane  

I think severe on-going mental health issues might impact an application.  However,  like you say, yours was temporary due to exceptional circumstances.  Lots of people have suffered depression and gone on to successfully adopt, I would say it is quite a common reaction during/after failed treatment or miscarriage etc    Another way they often look at it is that you 'asked for help' which will be see as a positive.

All the best
X


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Jane
Agree with others, nothing sounds like a problem to me, just be honest from the start and I can't imagine there'd be an issue in going forward. 

Welcome to the boards and good luck whatever you decide 

GG xxxx


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## jane baun (Apr 28, 2013)

thank you goofy girl

so sorry to hear about your losses, especially your daughter, so hard when you get past 12 weeks you think things will be ok. 

Congratulations on your approval and hope matching will happen soon.

Was it a relief when you decided to leave IVF behind? Not sure either of us can face more treatment, but also hard to give up when we got so close to full term. But my egg quality has been poor last 2 cycles, although was fine for first 2.... so think more treatment is probably pointless.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Jane
Thank you, you too. It's really difficult isn't it? The grief of the loss is immense and infertility grief on top, just felt unbearable at times.

We have actually been matched to two siblings. They are lovely  they move in with us in January.

Yes I did feel relief but also sadness and had to grieve my fertility for a while. The grief for my daughter will go on forever but also I still look back on our infertility and feel so sad about it but wouldn't change things. Just feel sad at how much pain we endured and wishing things had been easier. 
Once we started adoption process we started using contraception and were so so careful not to get pg (even though never have naturally) as we didn't want to ruin our adoption hopes. 
I actually posted on here and had some fantastic responses, hope it helps:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=306616.0

It's been a very emotional journey but I feel even stronger than I did before and keep meeting amazing people.

Love GG xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Jane
I agree with Dame Edna. I know several people who have had short bursts of medication for sad things that have happened in their lives, who have gone on to adopt. As long as you show you are ok now and ready to move forward that shouldn't be an issue. 

It is a difficult decision to make, to leave IVF behind and move on to adoption. I did not face as much heartbreak as you have but I can say that adoption is the best thing we did and don't look back with any regrets about not carrying on with IVF. I also had poor egg quality and was given 5% chance of it working so to us the pull to adoption was much stronger for us to get our family. You have to make the right decision for you though. Xx


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Hi

My DH had a kidney transplant in 2007. We had early medicals because of this and had to get a letter from his consultant saying everything was fine.
Our 2 year old AS is now asleep upstairs having been home with us for 19 months.

Your medical issue is a complete non issue. Good luck xxx


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## jane baun (Apr 28, 2013)

thank you all for your lovely support, dame edna, lorella, goofy girl for you lovely support 

goofy girl- yes the grief is awful, 15mnths on and I just keep reliving it all. Sometimes I manage better but only by blocking it out, then I feel guilty that I haven't talked to his ashes...we have them in my bedroom. My husband is catholic and prays to him every night and morning. 

Purplexed- wow adoption after a kidney transplant, that's amazing. I hope you don't mind me asking, was that through an agency or LA? What are the medicals like... are they with GP , or someone the agency/ LA choose.... would it be a consultant? 

Also my husband is 45yrs ( I'm 35yrs) so worried about age.... trying to decide if we have one more go at ICSI, or if we delay further our age would count against us. I know we will need to wait min of 6mnths before applying, but at least we could use the time relocate to home town, get a job, buy and prepare a house. 

But if we apply and are turned down... then it will be late for us to try further attempts... its all very difficult isn't it! 

I don't mind adopted/ biological child..... just want to be a family. At mo, neither of us comfortable with donor.


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## jane baun (Apr 28, 2013)

PS congrats on all your successful adoptions

Goofy girl- I will be thinking of you in Jan, hope you can relax and enjoy your xmas knowing that will DEFINATELY be a mummy very soon. Hope you're not having to do the dinner and get chance to rest and conserve your energy for January. How exciting, 2 siblings! 

I can only dream of the feeling when you bring a child home for the first night.... by whatever means. I just hope we get there one day. My husband is a lovely man and great with kids He would be so proud.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks to you too Jane, yes I hear you on the grief and guilt. But can honestly say I'm getting better all the time, 2 years and 2 months on for us. 

Sounds like you and your DH will be great. 
No rush for you to get started if you aren't ready, I've just turned 40 and my DH 50! Started our adoption process when I was 38 and he was 48 and age has never been mentioned. Because I'm the main carer and they think late 30s / early 40s is young enough. 
Wishing you all the best whatever you do xxxx


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## jane baun (Apr 28, 2013)

thank you goofy, that makes me feel better about our age, sorry dh 44 not 45... he'll kill me! 

But dh would have to be main carer as I am main income earner.... though might be able to build our funds up enough that I could do part time for 6 mnths...

do you think that will matter? thanks


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

No that won't matter, some agencies have an age policy where the main carer cannot be more than 45 years older than the child but not all agencies have that policy. 
Can you get paid adoption leave? Xxx


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## jane baun (Apr 28, 2013)

oh dear, that might limit us then... 

At the moment I work as a self employed locum so I could take time off for IVF. However we would need to move from where we are at the moment as we can't afford the house prices here after IVF, and also would then have better support network. I would need to get a new job so we could get a higher mortgage first... but then could potentially give up the job for 6mnths or work 1-2 days per week. There is no paid maternity leave / adoption leave in my profession... only the basic statuary goverment pay.


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Hi Jane

I wouldn't worry about the age thing if I were you. I took the adoption leave and was 44 when our little monkey was placed age 10 months, DH was 40. I'm 45 now and we are planning to start again next March for no 2 (unrelated sib) so assuming all goes well Ill be nearly 47when new LO is placed. They like a 2 year age gap between sibs meaning our second LO will have to be 18 months or younger when placed. I've already asked our agency and other LAs about this and they have said it's no problem at all!!!

Answering your other questions. We went with Barnardos, who were awesome! But I probably would recommend you go with an LA as times have changed and there are less children at the moment..we're going with an LA second time around.
The medicals were done by our GP, very quick and standard stuff..clothes kept on and no coughing required! They just asked us questions during the home study about how the transplants affects our everyday lives and quickly realised that it doesn't! Our LOs SWs brother had had a transplant so she knew all about it and dismissed it immediately which was a relief!!!

Good luck with your decision. I was lucky in that there was no point in doing IVF due to fibroids, low AMH etc etc so the decision was made for me and TBH our AS is perfect. I'm always telling people that he is way better than any child I could have made myself!!!

Xxxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi Jane,

First of all sorry for your loss and I can't imagine how difficult the decisions are that are facing you right now. 
For us it was easy, we started Ivf saying we would only have 3 full cycles as we knew we didn't want to go down the road of saying what if one more time. As it happens each cycle our results were worse so by the time we got to the 3rd we knew it wouldn't be successful and seriously considered whether to go ahead but we stuck to our original plan.
It obviously wasn't sucessful, that cycle was November last year so we started our adoption journey this year. We went to an open evening in February and were accepted by the agency in to stage 1 on 1st March, we were approved on 1st September and our beautiful 6 month baby boy is currently asleep in his cot having moved in yesterday. We were extremely lucky that our journey has been very short and even luckier to have a little one so young but it is possible. I'm 42 in January and have a pituitary tumour. In my experience the agencies don't know enough about specific illnesses or conditions so go by what your own consultant advises. A medical is standard with all agencies but done by your GP and just a standard medical.
Good luck with whichever route you decide on for us adoption brought the light back into our lives the minute we started the journey and continues to get brighter the more you travel. We could not have asked for anything more, our baby boy is utterly perfect!


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## Guest (Dec 20, 2014)

Hi Jane, I just wanted to wish you good luck with whatever you decide next. I too still have my baby boy's ashes at home, will maybe bury/cremate them with me (sorry a bit morbid!) also wasn't sure what to do & couldn't bring myself to scatter them & lose my only baby up til that point. Anyway that's a different matter, but my DH & I have talked about adoption at times. I'd love to adopt a sibling in the future. It looks like you've got some really good advice here, so all the best xxx


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