# Can I have counselling while adopting?



## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi,

Does anyone know if having counselling during the adoption process is acceptable?

We had our 1st home visit 5 months ago. I was having counselling at the time to try and come to terms with 2 failed ivf cycles and unexplained infertility. The social worker said it would be best if I waited until I had completed this before progressing with the adoption process. She said it was important that I had come to terms with not being able to have our own children.

She suggested we wait 6 months then, before we contact them again. I stopped counselling at beginning of April, almost straight after the SW visited.

I am now feeling very low again and probably need some more counselling, but I don't want to delay adopting because of this. 

So, I am afraid of how I feel without counselling, but if I do have counselling will delay the chance of having a family further. 

I obviously don't want to ask the Social Worker what to do, so I would be really grateful if someone has some advice.

Thanks in advance,
bluebells javascript:void(0);


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Bluebells

The most important thing for the Local Authority is to ensure that you have moved on enough (I don't think we ever forget) to be able to parent a child/children effectively.

If you think you are at this point then there is no harm in applying, but if the counselling is helping you to get to this position then I would say wait.  You need to be sure that you are able to move on emotionally as if you have things that are still not straight in your mind then this could affect how you parent any possible match.

Hope this helps and good luck with the counselling

Karen x


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi Bluebells

I am really sorry to hear you are low again, I have been unexplained for 9 yrs.  

I think that the SW's will probably want you to be in a position where you can be positive you can cope with the ups and downs of the adoption process.  I personally think that counselling will conflict with the home study and could make you feel worse than you do already.  The adoption process is such a hard process to go through that you really need to be strong and 100% ready to do it.  I broke my leg between prep course and beginning of home study, and put it on hold for a few months because I couldn't cope with it all at once.  I am so glad I did, because it was hard enough on its own.  

I hope you are feeling better soon and can start on the process in the near future.

C xx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Thanks for your replies Karen & Barbarella. It's really helped me to hear from people in a similar situation who have 'come out of the other side'.

I have read quite a few other threads on this section of the website and feel a lot better already. 

I had a good girlie chat about adoption/infertility with a friend I work with yesterday. As I was talking it all through I realised how excited I am about the possibility of adopting, and also how great it would feel to be giving a child/children a happy family life. This kind of put everything into perspective. We could we offer so much to a little person. After 9 years of unexplained infertility it's hard, but I think I can do it with the help of this website and my friend at work who has suggested we have a weekly heart to heart.

I will come back here often. Thanks again. xx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Bluebells... that's exactly how I felt.  We have been unexplained for 9 yrs too... started ttc the same time as you.  It's awful being unexplained... but I've let it all go now we're adopting.  Even pregnancies don't get to me any more (except maybe the odd twinge.. and a once in the blue moon strop).  I am so happy I could burst... just want it to happen now.  The wait is hard, but nowhere near as hard as IVF failure and waiting for AF every single month for 9 yrs.

I have a feeling you won't look back...  I know I haven't.  You'll still get doubts creeping in throughout the process.. wondering if you are doing the right thing.. but that's normal.

Best of luck and keep in touch.
C xx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Fertility Friends are going to be a life line to me I think. 

It's so touching to here from people like you, (little tear), who you know REALLY understand what it's like.

I am feeling stronger by the day since visiting FF and last night looked through our adoption paperwork again for the first time in a while.

One question you might be able to answer, are there any other books you would recommend? 

We have been advised by SW to read about 'attachment theory' and 'osolating theory about loss' which we will do, have found some articles already on the web. 

There was a book list on one of the posts I found, but it was sooooooo long, didn't know where to start?

Am keen to start finding out all I can about adoption.

Thanks again,
Bluebells xx

P.S is there anywhere on FF that says what all the abbreviations mean and, what does the blow a bubble thing do under everyones name? You can tell I'm a 'newbie' ;-) (I can't get the faces to work either)


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Bluebells,

Welcome to FF! and the Adoption boards. 

The advice that Karen & Barberella have given you is good advice. I hope it has helped you with your decision?

Like you, we are un-explained but it's been fourteen years for us. It does take time to 'let go' and move on, but once you are clear in your mind, that adoption is for you, then it does get easier.

A book that most of the girls would recommend is 'The Adoption Experience' by Ann Morris.

You can find 'words and meanings' and all about bubbles by clicking HERE

You just click on the smileys and they should appear in your post?

You are more than welcome to join us on the 'Looking to start or going through adoption' thread. Everyone is really friendly and supportive.

Laine


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi Laine,

Sorry to hear about your unexplained fertility too. Good luck with adopting.

Thanks for the info about the book, I will be buying that at the weekend. Will take a look at the 'Looking to start adoption thread' too. I am going to be such a busy bee  but it's a good feeling to know I am doing something positive.

I keep saying it, but this website is so brilliant. I won't know how I managed without it soon and I'm looking forward to the day I can say our little people have arrived. :-D

Bluebells xx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Bluebells

Glad that we are helping you with you situation already . We are a very friendly community and support each other very well.

The book Laine mentioned is one I read, but here's a very comprehensive thread of ones we['d all recommend.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,52863.0.html

Happy reading!!!

Karen x


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