# if you're so desperate for a baby why won't you be around them?



## kirsty99 (Feb 19, 2012)

Hi ladies and gents! This is my first actual post on the website, (but have been viewing for a while) and I would really appreciate your help. We have been ttc for 6 years now with 2 failed iui and 2 failed icsi. For a very long time I haven't wanted to be around anyone win is pregnant and especially not babies which until today I thought my husband understood. however he has now said that both he and everyone he talks to can't get it why if i'm so desperate for a family, I don't spend all my time wanting to be with babies and children! Please can you give your comments re this, so I can ask him to read them and get a better understanding, a viewpoint that isn't just mine, and recognition that this avoidance isn't unusual. Also, that you are even willing to do this at the cost of alienating people and losing friends! All comments welcome! Thanks X


----------



## beadyeyes (Sep 17, 2010)

Ask him to read this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2102376/Baby-envy-The-new-social-divide.html

I was completely the same as you. Seeing children and babies was just too painful for me - a constant reminder of what we couldn't have. Someone else's baby would never ever come close.

xxx


----------



## Monkeymoo (Nov 11, 2009)

Fairly simple answer - cos they're not yours. It unbelievable the emotions that are stirred up seeing other people 'luckier' than you. *HUGS* hope you get your dream soon


----------



## ♥ Mighty Mini ♥ (Apr 10, 2008)

your post made me  

It brought back the pain of seeing other peoples babies and how care free they seemed with not a care in the world, and there was me crying inside wanting that same thing.  My whole life was revolved around ivf, hospitals and drugs. 

The anxiety knowing a pregnancy announcement was awful then when it came the jealousy was like no other.  

So no being around others with famillies didn't help, I tolerated it.  

Big hugs.


----------



## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

I can totally relate to this. 

I don't enjoy being around those that are pregnant or babies. I struggle to know what to say, because when I first see them I get so frustrated that its not me. I start to feel awkward, and I feel people are watching me to see what reaction I have. 

We have someone at work, whose granddaughter is arriving into this world today! So everyone is so excited about it all, and I try to smile, but inside it hurts so much. xx


----------



## butterflies4ever (May 22, 2010)

We tried ivf for 7 long years 11 cycles 3 clinic's plus immune tx before we were successful.
I especially found it hard seeing pregnant people i knew as they would always say to me 'when are you thinking of having kids?' but to see pregnant women i didn't know somehow brought a smile to my face & i would always say to myself 'that will be me one day' I'd just think to myself how lucky they were to be blessed.

I loved being around children though & often took groups of 5 or more of my friends children out for the day regularly. Call it practice   but i guess i've always been good with children but not so good with babies.

I really hope you both are blessed in the near future in more ways than one   

Keep the faith & a good heart, your time will come  


Electra x


----------



## kirsty99 (Feb 19, 2012)

Hi guys!

Thank you for your comments.... I asked my husband to read them all last night, especially the article posted by you beadyeyes.
I don't know if it made any difference as I said that we didn't need to discuss it, however I hope that he perhaps appreciates that this is a common attitude not just me over reacting to the situation!! 
He did also ask why it was only women posting on here, so I showed him the lads bit. Hopefully he will be able to find that bit useful if he needs it. 
Hope your day wasn't too bad in the end Flow13. I know that it can be particularly difficult at work as you don't want the whole office knowing what you're going through so have to keep it bottled up. Keep your chin up.
Anyway, back to work to earn the bucks... got to pay off the healthcare card to go again in September! Third time lucky!!  
x


----------



## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

Hi Kirsty, the day just went on the same. 

The thing is, there are a few people at work that know we are ttc, including the one expecting her granddaughter.  After 3 years of hearing about her grandchildren and their births etc, last thursday she said 'I would imagine i don't help matters with you by going on about the babies.' and then continued to talk about breastfeeding   
The women I share an office with are all a lot older than me, and sometimes they don't seem to have much tact, but I also know that they are going to want to talk about their grandchildren.
Anyway, she's off today so we can enjoy a bit of peace. 

Enjoy work. xxx


----------



## keephopestrong (Feb 9, 2012)

Well, I have not had this said to me before, which pleases me, because I am not sure how I would react.

For me, it is a reminder of what is not happening to me.  On the face of it, there are tons of things one cannot have that others have and yet we accept this, but children are a different matter.  It is our inborn need to be parents.  We are created to carry children. 

I actually read only today  because I am dreadfully worried that I am ovian (sp) cancer and one of the causes can be lack of pregnancy.  I stress not every one is doomed to this; it was only an thought.

Also for me, seeing babies and expectant mums is like stabbing me in the heart!  And I also keep away because I actually fear that I will never hand the infant back!

My husband sometimes says that because of my own barriers, it stops him from being with expectant mums and their babies, but I don't say back: well darling it is your malady that has caused this, because I know that to be unkind.

He only says that once in a while, and it is mostly when I am being negative.

And unfortunately I would rather be friendless, than in constant mental anguish.  If I am seen as cold and uncaring, which I have heard said of me: wow doesn't even coo over the baby?  Well, I say that if they want to see me as cold hearted, then that is their right!

Having suffered this for 19 years now, I have got to the stage that anyone dares to say something tactless, I shall tell them what I think of them (in the nicest possible way though).

You could try saying to your husband: if you had a drinks problem, would you willingly surround yourself with drinkers?  I am sure he would say: of course not.  Well that is how it is for us.  My husband said that just recently to someone and they got the point.  He is very good and kind because he will warn me if a fat woman is nearby and even say: not a good idea to go there darling.

Just the other day, I was confronted with a new born baby picture and it was TORTURE to my soul.  Oh how I wish that I was looking at my baby


----------



## kirsty99 (Feb 19, 2012)

Hi people, this is kirsty`s husband and i have something i have composed in reply.

Before you read this i need you to know that i love my wife with every fibre of my being, she is my world, my greatest friend and my rock.

Another part of me.

I get up, i make a coffee and a tea, i inject my wife, another part of me says why am i bothering as 2 iui and 2ivf have failed.
Every time i inject her i say sorry, cry and cuddle her because its painful and i feel so guilty, another part of me says why am i doing this when the last two haven't worked and she doesn't deserve the pain.
I have a granddaughter and one on the way that i will never see unless the ivf works, another part of me says does anyone ever really consider MY feelings.
I am the topic of conversation on my wife's forum page and if thats how she deals with the stress then so be it, another part of me says please leave me alone i cant handle it and i don't want the world to know i have failed, again!!!!. 
My wife says she cant handle not being pregnant,another part of me says WHAT ABOUT ME!!!! I have all the feelings and emotions too.
I don't want praise or appreciation, i just want a baby. Something i can cuddle, that needs me unconditionally and doesn't want money or presents.
i want, no i need, to have something that is ours and not watch other people have what we cant.
It is so damn hard to go through this time and time again and everytime say goodbye and thank you for trying to our superior quality embryo`s.
If theres one thing i know with 500 per cent of me is that my rock will get us there in the end.

Kirsty, i love you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## nikki76 (Feb 1, 2011)

What an emotional message!
I know ur feelings too need to be considered, but hang in there for ur wife! Of course when she hurts, it's killing u too, but be strong for her and pls understand the pain of 'failure' she's going through is possibly deeper than urs, as she's a woman. Just this one time hang in there for her, cause I bet she needs u now more than ever and u supporting her is what we call Love

Good luck xxx


----------



## Monkeymoo (Nov 11, 2009)

I really hope you can both work through this. It sounds like you both love each other very much but have a lot of things to work through. I hope you get your dreams in the end x


----------



## Live Laugh Love Dream (Oct 27, 2011)

OMG, I have tears streaming down my face now. Thank you for your post Kirsty and hubby. It's hard reading it from the man's perspective; I know I assume it's just me that somehow feels rotten ttc with no luck so far. Thank you for opening my eyes - I'm going home to give my dp a big fat hug. 

I wish you both the best of luck in your journey.  Sending a prayer for you both.   

A
x


----------



## andy63 (Mar 7, 2012)

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot that someone has read it and taken it in.

We hope you get everything you wish for.

K & A 

XX


----------

