# help me through thread



## annienez (Apr 30, 2008)

Hi FF

I have just had my first    and i just need somewhere on FF to vent my worries and chat to any one going through the same .... to stop me been insane!

I have tested on day13 on peestick however i have known since 2 days as boobs which were very sore and huge  just stopped hurting and i feel different . 

Any one out there wishing to chat and vent their worries . love to hear from you   and maybe we can  ff  and get ourselves ready for the next stage in getting our yummy mummy status 


Love annienez


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

awwww i'm so sorry you got a BFN hun    it really is heartbreaking isn't it  

pam xx


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## daisy-may (Oct 11, 2007)

sending a massive   group hug to you xxx

daisy xx


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## heavenlyharry (Dec 18, 2005)

Hi

My test day was also today and like you mine is a big fat negative.

I also new since Tuesday it was looking good, I had an early HCG which came back at 2 and the nurse was not at all postitive. I did two HPT on Friday and Sunday which were also neg and todays hospital HCG blood test came back under 0.

Feeling really low. Im trying to stay strong, DH cant understand why one minute Im ok and then upset. So hes not really helping. He said I should just either be down or stay fine. If only it was that easy!!!

Im here if you want to email me. I know exactly how you feel.


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## annienez (Apr 30, 2008)

Hi Heavenly harry

Snap hun.....

God its so hard. You and I have both suffered a m/c at 8 weeks too in the past . S o we know what getting that BFP feels like .... bodily , i was so nauseous and had hypersalivation  . I started to feel not pregnant on thurs when my boobs just went down and felt fine.
DP has been great as i keeled over  on sat when i lost all hope . Tears just keep coming and coming  so i feel as if i have grieved the loss  now  so  today has been ok. He is away for 2 days now with work but miss him. He said hye felt like his girl returned yest ...!!! didnt know i was any different   
I am confused with the hospital, my hcg was 6.5 so well below the 50 needed to be pregnant but they still want be to take pessaries and go back in a couple of days. I know i am not and my body is just trying to have a period but the progesterone will stop it coming . Let me just get back to normal so we can move on and chill before starting again. I have to re call am.

The thing with men is  they are not women. Love them all the world but they just dont have  the same emotional system. We have to physically and emotionally carry this journey and thats difficult. He loves you but i am sure feels vunerable  because alot of this is out of his control . You know men they like to be able to be the supporter  but on the terms they can deal with. Just never second guess he understands your feeling , Talk to him  and he can then understand.

What thoughts are u planning  re moving on to next tx. We will go again soon but thinking 6 months with a lovely holiday in between ... wait to speak to consultant then make decision

Great to chat . Mail back if you like hun

Keep safe and strong

Annienez


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## heavenlyharry (Dec 18, 2005)

Annienez-

Your ideas on what to do next sound just like ours.

We are going to cash in our Tesco clubcard points for a holiday!! My lovely DH has not renewed his passport though so we went to the post office today to sort that out! We are hoping to go for a villa in the Algarve, like we did a few years back. We havent had a holiday in 4 years and after all this I think we need one!

The nurse I saw today at my local hospital (not the clinic I had IVF at) said that the chances of conceiving natually are better in the next few months because of all the drugs still in out system. So you never know!?!?!?!

Ive requested an appointment to see the fertility specialist to try and have another HSG to see if my one tube is still unblocked and then go back on metformin and tamoxiphen. This is what I was on when I fell pregnant last year.

Im so pleased I can stop the cyclogest now. Im hoping AF will make a show soon, want it over and done with.

We are thinking that, like you, we will try again in 6 months. My DH is concerned about the amount of drugs and emotional strain Ive had over the last few months and I think we could do with trying to forget about things for a bit.
Though in saying that I cant stop thinking about things at the moment and Im constantly researching clinics and looking on FF.

What clinic were you with??

We are NHS funded at The Priory. Ive been looking around and Im thinking of NURTURE in Nottingham. Its about 1h40m from us so thats not too far and they were the best performing clinic in the Midland last year!!

Im glad that there is someone else who understands what Im going through.

x


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## annienez (Apr 30, 2008)

Hi Hun

I totally agree . I started on the ICSI thread and have been mailinga lovely girlie called Karen who has just been a tower of strength , she fell on 2nd attempt so huge amounts of the right info and encouragement from here. So we great for each other . Empathy is so strong .  No one in my family or friends have ever had to go through this and dont you just love the line ' i know someone how fell 1st go its easy'...... yeah right ... all experts/ I know they mean well but by god i have wanted to scream at them.I know you understand and are feeling the same that is the difference

You are so right ... get to lovely portugal . Its great .been 2 years ago. I think one thing that must remain throughtout this journey is the fact it is for both of you and that the child is about your love. That for me keeps it real .I was so lucky at the grand age of 36 to meet my gorgeous DP ( i never been marrried or even lived witha man   ) that our love is so important and a baby would be soemthing wonderful extra .I think this is the luxury we have going through this journey . oTHER WHO FALL PREGNANT EASILY REAlly dont have the experienced to understand the want it is like to treasure this gift of life

Oh i am at LEEDS ( LGI) under Mr Rutherford ... only option at our age was private .huh
He is great and i am hearing via FF that their results are very good but also hearing great things about CARE in sheffield which we may try if no success here. It about 1and half hours drive 

I have spoke to hosp unit am and basically they want to do blood  test again on this low positive !!!! hell very very low positive on fri . What for i ask ? They think rare chance of baby ... to be honest i would be so worried if my pregnancy was develoing so slowly ie by the HCG levels if that was the case . However i stopped my pessary last night and iam bleeding ( sorry TMI) so heavy now and i am glad 

I have also booked for review with consultant for a month and we have re booked to start again in dec so drugs jan 09 . Admin said we could have a place in oct so drugs ihn Nov but i just dont know whether it is just too early and we would like some practice time .... and weight loss by a stone each of us    .DP away till tonight so will discuss tonight.We are lucky we have savings for a few cycles so for us we are not to stressed re cash and at the mo go to find it. I know for some that is a real trauma

He ( DP) didnt call me after the hosp calll till after 8 last night ( 4 hours later) and had been to the pub after his meeting so i was so cross    Thought i could not cry any more fromsat but hell it came again and this time more like screams.. Which was directed at him bless. But i calmed down . So i guess you never know when or how it will come .Now beleive there even could be more .So let it out girl .. bottling does no good 

Any way keep  strong and work towards our yummy mummy status 


Love annienez xxxx


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## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi Girls

BFN for me today - what a pile of poo this is ....

Finding the letting everyone know bit the hardest to deal with ...

My main worry is that there is something drastically wrong with me that can never be fixed ... my whole cycle was perfect and my little embryo's were perfect too ... so where the hell did it all go wrong ??

I feel so sad and also guilty - poor DH .. I wish I could do this for him as much as me ..

Lots of thinking to do about the future ... but for now, a holiday sure sounds like a good idea!!  

Take care all

TLZ


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## TLZ (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi Rose

Bless you ... Thanks so much for your kind words .... its hard when everything that went SO right throughout the whole cycle .. ended up going wrong and a big fat rotten old BFN ...  

I do get a follow up, so looking forward to hearing what they have to say ... going to have a bit of a break though before "maybe" doing another cycle - emotionally/mentally/physically it is tough ... I've been TTC for over 4 years now and feeling  a bit lost and helpless ....  

I know you are doing it alone, but you're never alone with FF ..     I appreciate you taking the time to support me, thank you  

Love from

TLZ xx


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## annienez (Apr 30, 2008)

Hi Girlies

You are ao ao ao right when we say it will happen but my worry is do they listen . Like you i did all right 14 eggs , 7fertilise and 2 grade 4 embies  so why ?
I have said to my consult pre icsi that i feel like i have been pregneant a couple of time last year but i am not getting past implantation but he just sai d it was my DP issue not me but this time i felt i was pregnant again but 2 days pre test i just lost alll signs ... literally over night . I need to discuss this further

I am thinking of taking a junior dispirin when we start trying naturally ie now !! and see if my blood flow to uterus helps ..I have read that it is a tx . What do you guys think?

Even though i total agree with the trial run thing and at the grand old baby age of 39 i was never expecting first time , just paniced re 2nd .. what if's i guess. 

We have defo said 6 months and jan next year  is our start date. He has promised australia  for a trip !!!    i wait with baited breath

Must dash got a student with me today 

Annienez


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## Kleri (Jun 7, 2008)

Hi ya sorry to jump in but I saw what you wrote annienez about feeling pregnant. I have experienced exactly the same symptoms but my doc just ignored them although now he is giving me a hysteroscopy as I had some strange bleeding the month after tx. I am really p.ssed off as no-one seems to realise that we know our own bodies better than any doctor and I'm pretty sure that I have a problem attaching. After IVF I had loads of pg symptoms until 2-3 days before the testing date, I even cried as they took my blood as I knew it hadn't worked. You have to push to make them give you all the possible tests especially as I'm a txing privately and is very expensive. 
Have you had a hysteroscopy and full bloods done? I took a blood thinning agent whilst on TWW even better than baby aspirin made no difference.
Kleri


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## annienez (Apr 30, 2008)

Hi Kleri

Huge thanks for joining in hun. I was investigated with hystacope right at the start of investigation because they automatically thought it was me..... aged  i guess but they say i am all ok but that does not get past my feeling i have experienced. 
I discussed it will the sr at the hosptial when i was having my Hcg test and she agreed , she also said that there was a significant increase in natural pregnancy after an ivf cycle due to hormones, also she agreed that aspirin 75mg will do not harm ( no ulcer !! stomach issues) whilst trying.

I do think it is never cut and dry as your consult often sees it. I was an intensive care senior sister for 11 years until 2 years ago ( now community specialist nurse) and believe me when i say that  every human is different and we often do the opposite to what medicine says is right. You are so right in saying that it is important we discuss this with the consultant and i am sure when we met in a month i will push the issue . Now it is just time to get back to normal and have fun back on the case     

We are just sitting back and taking stock  of it all . Knocked us more that we thought whilst going through it . taht has what has upset us really . I dont know what you guys have experienced ( please tell) but DP and I feel the after shock of emotion is so much worse than coping with the tx 
I guess that is the 'wanting a baby so much 'feelings.
Hey lets keep strong and I know that our dreams of been yummy mummies will come true for all

Keep in touch

Annienez


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## heavenlyharry (Dec 18, 2005)

Annienaz- I was also told about the increased fertility after IVF/ICSI.
I am guessing that this is only short term.
The nurse said it was due to all the drugs still in the system which can help ovulation.

Does anyone else have any info on this


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## HMF (Aug 8, 2008)

Hi , can i join you? 
I have just finished my first ICSI treatment and have got  2 BFN's this week (after 10 days of BFP's) the hospital think that i have miscarried ( i bled heavily 10-15 days post ET) and still want to scan me next week to check that there is nothing left behind. 
I am really struggling with this, i was posting on the waiting for 1st scan post, the girls were really lovely and supportive but that was when i was getting positive test results. 
I now realise its all over for me and this scan is just prolonging the torture. 
I am very up and down at the minute, how does everyone else cope? 
Life is so cruel isn't it.
I have a fantastic DH, without his support i dont know how i would have coped, he too has found the process traumatic. 
I do have very supportive family and friends but they havent gone through fertility treatment so really don't understand how traumatic it is. 
The way i have been feeling lately has been scaring me, I have even cut ties (temporarily)with a friend who is 5 months pregnant as i dont feel strong enough to share her joy and this really bothers me. Does anyone else feel like this?, i feel like this just isnt me and feel out of control. I feel like i am going mad sometimes!! The worst of it is that i am due back at work next week and am dreading having to face people, i have been off for 5 weeks!
Thanks for your time, Helen xx


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## annienez (Apr 30, 2008)

Hi Helenmarie+ all thread girlies

Oh I am so sorry for you . Having got that positive sign you must now be on rollercoaster of emotion. Listen let it out . I guess the process to come to terms with the journey is a bit like grieving. We grieve for the loss of something , by this i mean it doesnt need to be within death of a loved one but you can grieve for lots of reasons. I have had a few bad days but i am quite a emotionally strong woman and after my miscarriage ( 8 weeks gest) i was back to work in 2 days . That was wrong i know that now . I kheeled over 6 months later when my body was screwed up with hormones , i was depressed and totally not me!!! then i had an 8 week course of acupunture because my GP at the time told me it was just been overweight and i would defo be back in her office witin 6 month pregnant !!! . that was over 15 months ago now and investigation have shown it is my dp with the issue !! , Acupunture is amazing . I started have some pre this ICSI  and i believe it has helped keep me much more relaxed.

We have had a few tearful days believe me  but getting back to work did help . Yes people know but most mean well . But i just i suppose like routine. Working has taken some of my mind off it.

We are trying to decide when to go again .We await the consultant chat in a few weeks but what do you do next?. I have been reading mail alot since and the stats re icsi goes up to 75% by 4th go.... That leaves me soem hope that it will happen for us . You have to beleive that to move on i guess.

Please let your self grieve for your loss but be positive and optimisitic  that one day  very soon it will be your turn to be a yummy mummy. And god  you will appreciate every second of that part of your journey


Keep in touch

Annienez


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## HMF (Aug 8, 2008)

Rose and Annienez, 
Thankyou.   

You are both very inspirational ladies, having been through what you have and coming out stronger.
Thankyou so much for taking the time to support me, it means alot .
I feel better today-do have good and bad days, i am now thinking of lots of BMS and maybe trying again in Jan 09. The positives that i can take away from this is that there is nothing wrong with my eggs, my DH motitily was down (hence the need for ICSI) but he has stopped smoking and is trying to be healthy so motility may improve.

I am now just waiting for my AF to arrive!     oh joy!

Rose, i do wish you all the best for your next cycle of IVF, you are an incredibly brave person to do this alone and that is very admirational. Though with the support from FF you are never alone. I have found the support from FF invaluable.
Sending you lots of     

Annienez, i too have been having acupuncture and find it invaluable, i have alot of faith in it. The only downside is that its £30 a go so not cheap, but its worth it as it is as you say very relaxing. I do need to go back to work for my sanity if nothing else, time goes so slowly when you are off so it feels like i have been going through this for months!!
Do keep in touch, its so comforting being able to talk to others going through the same thing. 
Infertility is very isolating isnt it and although people do try to be helpful and try to understand they will never understand untill they go through it themselves. It doesnt help when you get comments like 'just relax and it will happen' or  'your trying too hard'  
I just smile and count to 10! I know they just mean well.
take care, and to all the other ladies on this thread - 
Helen xx


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## Kleri (Jun 7, 2008)

Hi girls,
I've never had a mc although I know that it must be devastating. I kinda feel though at least be positive that it is working so far and it's just a matter of time before you address that real problem and keep hold to term. 
I have never been pg and find it really difficult to believe that I ever will be.   I have though I might be many times even being 10 days late. 
Hopefully my doc will find something on my hysteroscopy which will magically make everything better   yeah right! 
Sorry feeling really down today I am positive that you will attain your goal just not so sure about mine.
Kleri


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## HMF (Aug 8, 2008)

Hi Kleri,
Life seems pretty rubbish right now doesn't it.
When are you due to have your hysteroscopy? I guess one positive is that a scope is the most accurate way of examining your womb, i often wonder how accurate the clinic can be from just scans and bloods. Lets hope it does give you some answers.  
Throughout my investigations i always hoped they would find something wrong that they could fix.
A couple of girls i know through friends have had successful IVF but they had fixable problems ie Fibroids and one couple -low sperm count.
Being told theres nothing wrong with either of you makes me wonder if it will ever happen as there is nothing to fix
I know its hard but keep your chin up, what is helping me cope is being told that the 1st cycle is often seen as a trial run- to see how you respond to the drugs etc and the clinic can then learn from this so that your chances next time are improved. What are your plans after the scope? 

Take care
sending you lots of   
Helen


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## Kleri (Jun 7, 2008)

Hi ya Helen,
Waiting for email from Doc today probably in two weeks time... I think. The Docs have found small probs I occasionally have a cystic ovary, DH Sperm is thick from his prostate (not fixable), one of my tubes is very very slightly blocked (the one on the good ovary of course). Shouldn't have made any difference to the IVF though! Lots of little things together making one big problem. 
I had a PID also unexplained which has probably been the route of any of my problems. Thanks to the NHS where noone believed I was sick until I lost half my body weight! Even then they thought I had appendicitis! Took all antibiotics known to man (20 per day) and noone even tested me afterwards!
Think we'll try tx again as soon as possible or adviseable should I say. I just hope soon it's going to Be my turn. 
Trying to be positive
Kleri


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## annienez (Apr 30, 2008)

Hi Girlies

Hope i can get back into our chat . You see we are all just working through this journey. We are all individuals with our own issues but be strong . I just read here and think yes we can get pregnant .... I have been in mail with lovely lassie throughout my tx and she said that there was 6 of them at the start . The youngest 2 ( 20's) fell at ist go ( both with twins) then then next 3 at 2nd ( all 30's) and the final girl was on her 3rd cycle . This is always in my mind to give me hope.

W ehave to believe that the dr will find out the cause and work towards our baby goal .

I totally agree with you when we say that we just take a deep breath and count to 10 .. HA ha 
Every has a comment about you and your journey but only we can understand what it makes you feel like. I found it hard to talk about to my brother and wives as they all have had no problems. So i sent them the empty arms video from FF . It really hit home to them how  we were feeling . My BF said she couldnt stop crying for ages after watching it . You may think cruel but i never tell any one how i truely feel and i wanted them to feel something close to the pain. However they all resonded  well and seem to have a greater understanding 

We are pretty much in limbo at the moment really , cant make decision on re start date    
But i guess we will get there. I would go now but DP is so causious. He feels a bit battered by the icsi journey . I guess he feels he has walked on glass around me and the disappointment too big that he needs recovery . I understand that so much.. Feeling battered and bruised physiclaly and emotionally at the moment .... thats us girls 


Hey but we are fantastic and strong and carry the belief we will be yummy mummies very soon. Girls when you thinking of starting again? do you think you need more than 6 months . We are offically booked in for dec08 that means drugs in jan 09 .Oh Oh oh oh  


Have a great weekend .We are going to a christening ( great!!) in birmingham but are staying in a luxury hotel for 2 nights too so thats a treat .. lots of naturally ttc   


Love Annienez


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## HMF (Aug 8, 2008)

Hiya, 
god bless this thread, you are all wonderful, i can't believe the strength i am getting from your words of comfort. 
Kleri, you have been through it havent you, i am so glad you are trying to be positive, we all have to look forward. 
Annienez, i went to a christening last week, (very reluctantly i have to say) it was more because my DH wanted to go and he didnt want to go on his own, all his friends were there with their wives/girlfriends so he would have stuck out like a sore thumb on his own. But you know what i am so glad i did, it actually helped and took my mind off things which surprised me, we were with nice people and there was no baby talk.
I don't know about anybody else but since the isci started i have been feeling very antisocial so it was nice to get out. Enjoy your break away-sounds fab and the pampering will do you good.
Personally, i don't think you have to wait 6 months before you try again, its an individual thing and go for it when you feel emotionally strong enough. I am thinking Jan so christmas is out the way but havent decided for defo yet.
Take care all,
Helen x


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