# Hello From A Desperate Newbie



## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Hello There

I am so glad I've found this board to receive some help and support and, hopefully, give a shoulder to cry on for others.

My partner and I have been trying for a baby for some time. Initial blood tests showed that for me, ovulation wasn't occurring (even though I have regular periods) and a sperm sample showed my partner to have elevated white blood cells in his semen. (After a long dose of medication that has cleared - just awaiting results for sperm count etc). 

I've now had a scan which showed a high amount of cysts on my ovaries and I now have an appointment with a gynocologist. (Sorry if spelling is wrong!) 

My boyfriend has an amazing attitude (on the outside at least). He has option a, b, c and so on. But, yesterday, when he saw that a friend of ours was expecting his third child the mask of coping slipped a bit and he got snappy. Totally understandable and he gave me a little insight into how he is really feeling (though it's what I expected - I can see beyond the positive front). 

I cannot describe the weight of guilt that is resting on my shoulders.  Naturally, there isn't anything I've done that has caused this, but, the inability to give my partner what he longs for is heartbreaking. It's even worse when I get my period. The look on his face just breaks my heart. I just feel so heavy with guilt and concern and I'm not sure what I can do about it. 

Obviously it's very early on, not really had any appointments beyond the considerate GP that we have and the scan that I had. Does anyone have any tips at all to help with the likely stress that will occur over the next months/years? I suffer mildly from anxiety that I control myself and I know I need strength to get through it. 

Sorry to be such a negative poster here today. But my boyfriend and I have made the decision at this early stage not to tell family just yet until we know what's what. It's very personal for us and not really for family consumption. 

I could do with a friend right now that maybe understands. 

Thank you x.


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## Doris83 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi Teasmade,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, but you are in the right place for support. I came across this site just before we were due to start our fertility treatment 2 years ago and I have found it invaluable.

I can truly empathise with the feeling of guilt. Our problems with conceiving naturally rest with us both but I feel tremendous guilt that our 1st ICSI cycle failed, as it was ultimately my body that couldn't sustain the pregnancy. 

The only tip I would have for coping with the stress is to make sure you communicate with your partner. If you are not telling family and friends the process can feel very isolating, so you need to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. My husband and I have always been open about everything and it has meant that we have only ever got stronger, even when it felt like TTC was trying to tear us apart. Also counselling may be of benefit if you struggle with anxiety. I have not tried it yet but if this cycle fails I think I will.

I hope your appointment with your gynae comes around quickly and they can get you on a course of treatment that will lead to your much longed for BFP very soon.

Please fee free to DM me if you have any questions or ever need someone to talk to.

Doris x


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## Bubbles12 (Aug 29, 2012)

Hey Teasmade,

Firstly, Welcome to FF 

This site is amazing for support, whether you are here to give it, or here because you need it. FF is bursting with information and there most definitely will be other ladies in your situation.

I have attached some links for you, hope this helps you find your way around.

*Fertility Investigations -* *CLICK HERE*

*PCOS -* *CLICK HERE*

*Coping with Fertility -* *CLICK HERE*

I am sorry to hear that you feel guilty but you really shouldn't have to. Like you said, this is not your fault. The best thing that you can do is to move forward with investigations which you are doing, and to be there for each other. 

I do sometimes feel sorry for men as they can be pushed out of things sometimes. I know I did when I miscarried, it is completely normal. That said, I know I will always make a trying effort to include my OH.

I hope you find the links useful and if there is anything else you need, Just ask.

Good Luck 
xxx


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Thank you, Doris. I may DM if that is okay?


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Thank you very much, Hope. I shall make a cup of tea and read the links. 

I am doing all I can to make sure my OH is included in everything. He comes to all the appointments and I regularly ask him how he is feeling. Strangely, he is excited at my gyno appointment, whereas I'm dreading it! He is so very positive, though I've told him to come to me when he is feeling less so. There is nothing "wimpy" in admitting you're struggling!

He doesn't blame me for the problems, I blame myself and that then leads on to feelings of guilt towards myself, then I become almost clucky over him! It's a tangled web at the moment that we are wading our way though. But, as with all things, we'll figure it out!

It's new territory for us both.


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

I have the same problem as you - no ovulation.  My OH has fantastic swimmers so I see it as all my fault.  Logically I know that it's not really my fault, I can't help that my body is useless, but that's how I feel.  The guilt of not being able to give him a family is awful and I also feel strangely jealous of him because his bits work and mine dont.

As for not tellling family I think that can be a good idea.  I have told quite a few people so I'm constantly being asked where we are with treatment and I've started to feel very protective of the whole thing and don't want to discuss it.  Not with fertile folk anyway!

Good luck with your journey xx


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## Little Rie (Jun 27, 2014)

Teas made, 

I too am sorry that you find yourself on this site, but as others have said, the support here has been amazing. The advice and information that someone else can share with you can alleviate all sorts of anxieties, so never be afraid to ask on here. I have found out, that nothing is TMI! 

Our IF is partly due to us both, but the majority of it is down to me. I also blame myself somewhat, and as much as we are both desperate for kids (we are the only ones amongst our sibling groups not to have children, yet) we know it might never happen. My DH is amazingly supportive, he copes when I try to push him away but is always there with open arms when I am ready to talk/hug/cry again. We have a strong relationship, and he has said if this journey ever got in the way of us he'd rather just have me than a child and a fragile relationship. Knowing this alleviate a lot of the guilt for me. We talk openly and non-stop too, and I think this has been the biggest things to help us. He also came with me to every appt which kept him informed of everything, helped us make choices together, and gave him the opportunity to have questions answered or discuss any concerns. 

Although this is a difficult journey, I have not found it as emotionally tough as I anticipated. For me, it has the physical side-effects, but I am hoping even they will pale into insignificance if we ever fall pregnant. 

I have never had IF counselling, but have for chronic pain which I found beneficial. If you feel counselling will help you, then definitely access it. 

Good luck with your journey, feel free to DM me too if you need


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Thank you Roxysister for the reply. 

The burden of guilt is awful, and in my clear mind I know I've not done anything nor have I asked for this but then emotions take over .... 

Though my OH had this infection, it's cleared now and we are just waiting for the sperm test to see what's what but I have a feeling we're in the same situation as you are. 

What's not helping is it seems that people can't quite believe I have a regular menstrual cycle. The woman who did the scan was the worst and almost accused me of lying. I feel on top of the guilt I'm having to prove that I'm telling the truth. I just hope the gyno is a bit more believing!


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Thank you Little Rie for replying. 

I'm so glad that you are a strong couple and despite what it may seem like in my first post, we are very united. My OH said we have to stay strong or it will break us. 

He is very good as I'm going through that stage of 'why are all those on this Life On Benefits programme having six kids and we can't have one ...' and he calms be down with a cuddle and tells me not to think like that as it will make me bitter. But I can't quite help how I feel.

I think at the moment am verging between being so hard I'm almost cold and at other times a jibbering wreck. I get up extra early so I can have a couple of hours by myself to have my cry or to have a think about it all without it effecting my day. I'm just finding my feet right now.


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

I have regular periods too but was never made to feel as though I was lying!  And the blood tests don't lie so I dont know what that woman's problem was.
Can't give you any advice as to how to handle the emotional side of IF - would be like the blind leading the blind!  All I can say is that you're taking control of things now and things are moving so there is always hope.


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

I watched one of those benefits shows the other night because it was set where I live - Hull.  There was one couple where neither of them worked - first month of trying they were pregnant!  I was swearing at the TV like a drunken sailor, my OH had to calm me down too.


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## Little Rie (Jun 27, 2014)

Oh that young couple on that programme had me shouting too, first month! Lucky them, if only it were that easy for everyone. 

Every single emotion you are feeling is normal, and I am sure the majority of us have thought like that, and even continue to do so. You are grieving for the loss of what should be happening naturally, and does so easily for so many others. It's just not fair. Give yourself time, write down all your questions and go to all your appts loaded with as much information and questions as you can. This will help you feel in control more.


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

roxysister said:


> I watched one of those benefits shows the other night because it was set where I live - Hull. There was one couple where neither of them worked - first month of trying they were pregnant! I was swearing at the TV like a drunken sailor, my OH had to calm me down too.


Yes, I know the one. And she annoyed me no end! My OH had just got in as he had a late meeting and we were having dinner. I got a bit upset I have to admit. This is what I don't like about my journey so far. I seem to be upset at everyone having a baby, and that isn't normally me. However, on this case, I still would of got cross!


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Little Rie said:


> Oh that young couple on that programme had me shouting too, first month! Lucky them, if only it were that easy for everyone.
> 
> Every single emotion you are feeling is normal, and I am sure the majority of us have thought like that, and even continue to do so. You are grieving for the loss of what should be happening naturally, and does so easily for so many others. It's just not fair. Give yourself time, write down all your questions and go to all your appts loaded with as much information and questions as you can. This will help you feel in control more.


What worried me the most though was she didn't even know how to read a pregnancy test. How is she going to cope when it gets really complicated (I was a childminder for my nephew so I have a little experience of how hard it is!).


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

I'm thinking that our problems may be down to the face that we've never stood in our living room lifting tiny dumbells to get ourselves baby-fit, if we did we'd probably have a brood of kids by now.
Sheesh!

I get upset whenever anyone else gets pregnant too.


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

roxysister said:


> I have regular periods too but was never made to feel as though I was lying! And the blood tests don't lie so I dont know what that woman's problem was.
> Can't give you any advice as to how to handle the emotional side of IF - would be like the blind leading the blind! All I can say is that you're taking control of things now and things are moving so there is always hope.


What was also worrying was she kept asking me if I had children before - which I haven't of course. She even asked me if "you're sure you haven't been pregnant?". Now, that is making me fret (and have pushed it to the back of my mind) because I'm wondering what the heck is going on in there to make her ask something like that!


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## Little Rie (Jun 27, 2014)

roxysister said:


> I'm thinking that our problems may be down to the face that we've never stood in our living room lifting tiny dumbells to get ourselves baby-fit, if we did we'd probably have a brood of kids by now


If only someone had told us that, we'd have saved ourselves a hard journey, and for some, a load of money(!)


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

roxysister said:


> I'm thinking that our problems may be down to the face that we've never stood in our living room lifting tiny dumbells to get ourselves baby-fit, if we did we'd probably have a brood of kids by now.
> Sheesh!
> 
> I get upset whenever anyone else gets pregnant too.


I'm liking that - my first belly laugh in ages! 

Oh I'm glad I'm not the only one then. Its not nice to be jealous and I loathe it, but can't seem to help it particulary when someone is on their 3rd/4th baby. But it's not really directed at them, more like why not me?


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Little Rie said:


> roxysister said:
> 
> 
> > I'm thinking that our problems may be down to the face that we've never stood in our living room lifting tiny dumbells to get ourselves baby-fit, if we did we'd probably have a brood of kids by now
> ...


God if that worked .... I have Davina McCall weights and been doing it for a few months ... maybe I'll strike lucky!


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

Jealousy sucks - my OH's sister had her first baby at the weekend and she got pregnant first month too.  I used to try to be happy for people but I'm so tired from it now that I just cant be bothered anymore. Slap me silly and call me selfish - I dont care!!

I wouldnt worry too much about what scan lady said - sounds like she was trying to get a full picture.


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

My sisters friend accidentally got pregnant a few months back and was apparently gutted. She already has about 200 kids ( I'm prone to exagerrating).  I was livid  .  I know that really her life has nothing to do with me and how many babies she has or how easily she comes by them wont make any difference to whether or not I ever become a mum but still.  IF has turned me into a crazy beast.


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

roxysister said:


> Jealousy sucks - my OH's sister had her first baby at the weekend and she got pregnant first month too. I used to try to be happy for people but I'm so tired from it now that I just cant be bothered anymore. Slap me silly and call me selfish - I dont care!!
> 
> I wouldnt worry too much about what scan lady said - sounds like she was trying to get a full picture.


I know the feeling. What REALLY bugs me is people who have about three or four kids and constantly moan and say how tired they are, how they don't have nights out etc. I wouldn't care if I didn't have a night out again if it meant I could have a child.

I do try to be happy for people but sometimes I fail miserably! I bet it must be hard for you because the whole family will be baby mad. It's different when it's a friends baby - you can escape the fuss. When it's family it's harder to do isn't it?


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Roxysister and Little Rie, indeed, life is very cruel. It's a perculiar feeling. When I do get jealous it's more towards myself then them, but other times, whoa! You see a mother yelling at her kids, pregnant with the eighth baby, and i just want to cry. 

It also doesn't help there is a very discreet clinic near to us. I know that is a very different ballgame but honestly, breaks my heart. Of course, I have no idea what the ladies stories are but, it's heartbreaking none the less.


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

I have actually managed to avoid it so far.  Only saw her twice her whole pregnancy and OH went to meet the baby on his own at the weekend.  Sure my name will be mud with his family but you have to look after yourself and do what you have to do make things easier.

I sometimes see women who in my opinion are totally unworthy of motherhood and wonder how on earth its fair and why oh why would the god of baby making choose her and not me.


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

Certainly isn't


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## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

roxysister said:


> I have actually managed to avoid it so far. Only saw her twice her whole pregnancy and OH went to meet the baby on his own at the weekend. Sure my name will be mud with his family but you have to look after yourself and do what you have to do make things easier.
> 
> I sometimes see women who in my opinion are totally unworthy of motherhood and wonder how on earth its fair and why oh why would the god of baby making choose her and not me.


I wouldn't worry about what the OH's family think. If it's distressing (and it sounds it is) then it's best to avoid it. Better that then you get upset when you're there. People who do not have fertility issues maybe don't get how bad it can be to see the glowing mother and newborn. I'd never wish ill on them, but at the same time, it's hard when your arms are empty.


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Hi Ladies

*Just a gentle note to not judge other people*.

The FF community is a place that welcomes all sorts of people in all different situations - you never know the ins and outs of people's personal lives or situations.

We have a section for conversation about coping with infertility CLICK HERE - this may be a good place to share feelings/emotions.

KA xxx


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