# Please Help! Struggling to cope after 6 yrs



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi girls

I know I won't find what I'm looking for here but just feel so low just now, thought it would help to write it down at least.

I'm in  a very dark place again.  After struggling with 9 failed tx I am at the stage I NEED to come to terms with the fact it will never happen - but I cant.

My family have been very supportive but my Mum has just told me I'm destroying myself and I need to close the door on all of this.

How do you do it though?

I tried to face it head on and go to my brother's at the weekend - they have a wee one (1 yr) and I came home after staying over night in tears as I could hear the baby's lullabyes and them cooing to her in her cot.  I was sleeping downstairs alone - and in tears.  It was a night mare (and a double whammy as I managed 1 faint positive but miscarred and should have been giving birth tomorrow)

I could write a book but dont want to drone on.

I just wondered if any of you ladies who are struggling to move on and live CF had any advice on 
1.  How to KNOW you are ready to move on in the first place
2.  HOW to move on ...
3.  How to cope with endless years of continued "babyness" everywhere you look, even if you try to face it head on and it feels like sticking a knife in your heart.

How do you do this when it hurts so much ..... and the hurt goes on for years and years?

Please help - feel like I need to see a psychologist or something.  I have given up work and now I feel I have no purpose at all.  For the first time, (in 6 yrs of IF) I am now running away from my family and friends because I can't cope and I HATE myself for this as I know this is not good.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated at this horrendous moment in time
Gill xoo


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Oh Gill,
I am not sure I know the answers to any of your questions but I do know how much it hurts and my heart goes out to you. 

Please don't ever hate yourself. You are having to deal with a very,very hard situation just as hard as any bereavement and you need time and most importantly support. I know how easy it is to run away and hide, especially from those who have the family you so crave. Have you had the chance to see a counsellor who specialises in IF? I can't recommend it strongly enough. Most clinics offer this for free as part of their services.The thing I found most helpful was that she reinforced that it was OK to feel so terrible and OK not to know how I was going to cope in the future. That alone was a relief. 

Having a child is such a fundamental thing in a woman's life that this is bound to be incredibly hard to deal with. Maybe like me you know that you will have to have children in your life some way. Maybe you will consider adopting, maybe focus on other children in your family to at least partly fill the gap. I feel like I will need to do something else to fill the enormous gap in my life: maybe something with a children's charity. I don't feel ready to decide yet.

I don't know if this helps or not but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and we are here for you any time. Feel free to write things down or send me an IM any time you need to.

Thinking of you,
Love MeganXXX


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## Anon (May 24, 2005)

Hello Gill and Megan

I too am now facing the probability of a childless future and am struggling.  We all share the same aching and longing to nurture and love a child.  We have to draw strength from the fact that we are not alone.  Perhaps in the night when we wake we could think of each other and others like us.  Sounds silly I know but we will draw strength from each other.

Lets keep in touch

all luck to you

Anon


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Thanks Anon and Megan,

Anon, I think there is DEFINITELY something in that.  

When we feel alone - let's try not to - because - we're not.  Simple as that.

Hope we can help each other.  I'm sure we can.  

Keep the messages coming!!
Love to all
Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Gill, i dont know if we are ever really ready to move on- i have been ttc the same amount of time as you although i am slightly older. The problem is that you are 31 and i think psychologically we will not be able to completely give up until we physically have to(i.e. when biological clock stops).

I am trying to live child free but still there is a space at the back of my mind that feels there is a chance. My 2 sisters are now settling down and i know in a few yrs i will be devastated when i hear they are pg. I am also the eldest which i think makes it worse.I felt so sad when you mentionned hearing the lullabies etc.I have been thru all this with my friends but you can step back from them- you cant really from family.

Have you thought of adoption? I am not thinking of it as my dh has a daughter who i have known since age 5- we married when she was 8 and she lives with us.I feel i have more or less adopted her(she is 14 now).Her mother is an idiot and she moved abroad for a while but now she is back, causing havoc and my step daughter doesnt know where she is!!! The fact that i have brought this child up doesnt stop the yearning i have for my own child tho,maybe if i had known her since she was a baby it would be different. We also have the added worry that " what if she comes home and tells us she is pg " in a few years.!!! That would really hurt.

So basically i dont think we will ever really feel ready.But we have to learn to accept it- what really annoys me is that both me and my dh are so different now than when we first met.This if has really changed our personalities which is also sad.

Always know that we are all here for you-xxxxx


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## Anon (May 24, 2005)

Hello Gill

Just to say I'm still here and thinking of you.  How have you been these last couple of days?

Love to you

anon


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Gill,

I would suggest that it may be beneficial for you to have some counselling for grief and loss.  It is really hard trying to come to terms with living childfree.  (I tried it).  I had counselling and it did help me to off load everything I was feeling and obtain support when I felt like I too was a failure with no purpose.

Irisheyes mentioned adoption to you.  Have you considered this?  Me and dh are currently in the process of adopting, so if there is anything you would like to know, please im me.

Laine


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Irish Eyes and Laine - thanks so much for your replies.  You really all are an absolute lifeline.  Yes, we are thinking of adoption but part of me is terrified to go for this in case, after all these failures, we get rejected for that too and then I really DO need to come to terms with living child free.  I dread to even think about it.

Anon - I'm so lucky to have all you girls replying to me.  Please know that you really ARE making a difference to all us girls who are really hurting just now.  (and have been for a long time).  I am trying to focus on the fact that we MIGHT still one day, have a child through adoption.  I am trying hard to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have my own.  However DH and I are both in agreement that it's more about our need to "nurture" and "provide".  Yes, it would have been a dream come true to have our own child as we love each other so much.  In fact, this whole experience has, thankfully, and luckily, brought us both closer together.  However, we would still feel very lucky and blessed to be "given" a child via adoption so I am trying not to give up hope.  I'm trying to put the weekend down to a "bad day" and hormones!  You all know where I'm coming from.

Thanks to all of you once again, you really dont know how much you all help.
Big Hugs
Gill xo


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## Nubly (Feb 3, 2005)

Hi Gill

Oh Bless us all!!  I trully think that as has been said before that we never move on but learn to and have to live with it because sad as it is life does go on.  I trully hope you get some peace of mind and one day that you will be able to adopt.

Good luck for the future

Love Kate xxxx


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## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

I too am finding it extremely difficult to cope and not sure if I ever will.  I can't even think about adoption at the minute and family and friends dont really know how I am truly feeling.  All i want to do is scream at everyone of them "I'm not ok, please acknowledge this"

I really feel I need to go and see a counsellor but my clinic is around 1 1/2 hours by bus and train (i dont drive neither does DH) and travelling all that way then back when I'm upset isnt a good idea.

Ive tried to stay off FF as I end up looking who's pg and it hurts, but I needed to try and get a little support or advice.

Regards

Kerry


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Gill and girls
My friend Gill so sorry that i haven't been around but i think of you often.
I am sad that things are so difficult because its a horrible situation to be in and to be honest nobody  really understands what you are going through but us who are going through the same nightmare..
There is so much support on this thread and we can all understand the pain and fears that you are experiencing...
I hope you do not mind me saying this but maybe you need to deal with these emotions first and maybe seeking counselling would be a step forward..
There are options as the girls have mentioned but you need to express your emotions and fears with someone who can direct you in to understanding yourself.. once you have addressed your these feelings of loss (its like a grieving process) then you will beable to work things out in a more controlled way..to carry on sharing things with your hubby and family and being truthful to yourself and to your partner.
Gill its awful to feel so low and depressed and feel like that there is no way out of this but there is help out there that can change the course of your life...and bring some sort of happiness where you do not feel like you have been swallowed up...and that you can live your life in a much calmer way....
Thinking of you..
love astridxx


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