# How will I get through it all again



## natty84 (Nov 26, 2011)

Hi everyone, Myself and DH had been ttc for 4 years and had the news that he was infertile 2 months before our niece was born last year. We found it difficult to be around our niece and had to endure scan pictures and photos of happy families all over ********. I sent a message to explain what had happened with us and to let them know we would see our niece when we felt ready so not to overshadow their joy. We then got labelled 'selfish' and 'uncaring' by the inlaws and got a torrent of abuse because we werent happy for them. It wasnt that we werent happy for them, we just didnt feel ready at the time. Also at this time 2 of my friends had babies. We have since bonded well with our niece and even babysat for her. However, it is still very difficult. It is especially hard for my DH as its his brother and a constant reminder of what he cant have. His parents make it all the harder as my DH has always been the black sheep. His brother and sister get treated differently to him ie have both been bought a house etc. We are now under the care of a private clinic and are about to embark on IUI in the next couple of months (just waiting for doner sperm to arrive). We have had no support from his family and have had to endure the journey pretty much by ourselves (my mum has been great) However we have just had the news that my sister in law is pregnant and so it all begins again....... the scan pics are already up (we have had to unfriend as cant cope with it). We were told via text (how compassionate). I really dont know how we are going to handle this situation again, without some kind of fall out with the family. Have any other members had this problem? any advice would be greatly recieved.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Its a real tricky one.  My brothers have had 5 children since we started tryingg.  My dh sister has had a baby, he also found out he had a sister 6 months older than him a few years ago, and yes you have guessed it she has 4 children!  Tbh it is a nightmare in some respects esp when one of my brothers comes back to England with his 3 childen my dear mum goes into over drive and expects the whole family to meet up, this is when i find it the most stressful.  


I cope by trying to meet in the middle, and by trying not to expect much from others.  My dh always says i expect too much understanding from our families.  I think that others dont always connect our struggle to have a child with other situations, eg others having babies, big family events etc.


I do what i can regarding my family, and try not to worry about the rest. xxx


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## kirsty99 (Feb 19, 2012)

Oh dear Natty - I can really feel for you on this one, and I don't know if it makes any difference what so ever, but I and loads of others do know what you are going through! I'm afraid I can't really offer any constructive advice except to say, do what makes you able to cope with the situation. If your family are having a get together and you don't want to go, do something you really enjoy to take your mind off it.... go horse riding etc. People who have never had to go through the heartbreak and emotional and physical rollercoaster of infertility will never be able to truly understand how you feel - even though the majority will support you in any way that they can! I have posted the below so that you can see that you are not alone in facing this attitude. My husbands eldest got pregnant 2 years ago aged 19 and when I didn't want anything to do with it send me an abusive message. My sister responded, basically telling her to wind her neck in and got a torrent of abuse calling me wierdo, psycho and using language that I cannot use here.  My husband also, and wonderfully, supported me and got told I hope you die. As well as the below, her mother and mother in law publically stated their lack of empathy and not so pleasant opinion of me, which was ignorant, childish and selfish! 
Now like you, I have to go through it again as the youngest at 20 has quit her job, moved to be with her boyfriend of a matter of months and is now pregnant. The thought is making me feel physically sick and yet again I am back to 4 or 5 hours of sleep per night.
Also it nearly caused my husband and I to divorce last time as he had a grandchild and couldn't fully understand my upset at wanting OUR baby. 
My advice is stick to the people that will be there no matter what, and try not to let the others get you down. I really am sending loads of hugs in your direction!!!!! xx


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

Oh Kirsty, that email/message is disgraceful. Hugs to you 

Tulip x


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## Faithope (Jan 16, 2011)

*Kirsty* OMG     Well she's lovely isn't she??  Unfortunately you are not alone. I have a sister who is just like that. I had my son aged 19, until that point I was working, and consider myself as a decent human being. Anyway, the said sister had a baby after I had mine. i sent her a card to say congratulations. It arrived back in the post with a letter inside which bascially said that my child would grow up to be a drain on society, would be in a single parent family so would be 'backward' (her words), that her new baby would grow up in a nice, bought home (I was still living at home). That she had 3 gold credit cards, that her baby would have pets, that it would have the best of everything and that I will be a crap mother who knows nothing. Well fast forward 14 years. My son is an amazing child who wants for nothing, I am married, very happy and have worked since DS started school. Sister has gone on to have 2 more children, she has had social services at her home more than I care to know, due to her lack of housekeeping that leaves her home a danger for her children to move around in (think hoarders but just lazyness) and she has no money.

So bascially what I am trying to say is that Karma will come round... Her language she uses sounds like she has alot of anger inside and is bitter. Why would you want to know her and her child? She sounds horrible.

Big   to you hun xxxx


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## natty84 (Nov 26, 2011)

Thank you all for your replies. Its lovely to hear from such caring people. Oh my gosh kirsty that email was disgraceful, we got abuse but nowhere near that kind of abuse. I am grateful for you sharing it as it has made me realise that although my inlaws can say hurtful things, others have it much worse. I just got so angry on your behalf reading that. It is nice to realise that we are all in this together and we can help each other through. If you ever wanna chat or even have a good ol rant together, give me a bell. I think as for my situation i will be civil and keep my head down and hope to get through it all unscathed. Will just cling onto the hope that our iui will be sucessful. Thank you all again for your kind words and support, it really does mean alot.

natalie x


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## Faithope (Jan 16, 2011)

*natty*  gosh I realised I didn't even comment on your original post, forgive me, I am in the 2ww and my brain is mush , so I hope that what Kirsty put has helped in some way


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