# What does your Plan B life look like?-looking for inspiration!



## katehe

Okay, so I am truly beginning to accept our situation and consider the silver linings that other posts have pointed out. I feel I want  to now live a life free from restraint and one that best honours  that freedom. So, I would really love to hear from anyone who's life has radically changed in a positive way in a way that would have been unlikely with children.
A lot of people talk about having lots of extra time and money but I am really interested in stories about living a different dream...
...anyone out there? 
I am reasonably  happy  but life seems to be becoming more and more about work which was never the dream...
Kate x


----------



## katehe

No replies yet...so, I'm guessing (hoping!) that lots of ladies are rocking the life unexpected and too busy to check in! Lol!


----------



## Helend75

No stories, but will watch with interest. I too have had 2 courses of ICSI & am at a bit of a crossroads. Well, I'm not hopeful that a third round will be successful, but we'll do it. 

Do you have any interests which might lead to a dream (travel for example?). 

Wishing you the best


----------



## katehe

Hi. Helend75.
Sorry to read your signature and see you are in the same boat. X
I am thinking about emigrating to OZ but if it happens, it won't be for a couple of years due to my husband only just having retrained as a SWorker. 

In the meantime- going slightly crazy just working full time as a teacher. I am lucky to have the downtime of half term holidays (last week) but it only serves to remind me that I just work. I try to fit in other stuff of course but I am often too tired to truly enjoy. 

So, before travel happens, thinking about the possibility of going part-time so I can get more of a balance. Not sure though.... Want to be more of a free spirit x


----------



## Helend75

I'm also a teacher! I know how exhausting it is.
We had our ofsted report finally published last week (inspected in December). I was planning to resign anyway as my head teacher has been far from supportive over treatment, if I'm
Going to do it once more I need to not be juggling it with a wicked headteacher in a special measures school - talk about stressful!!!


----------



## M0ncris

Katehe,

Just popping on to ask if you have seen the more to life website? I found it after my mmc and it helped.

You can find stories on there which might inspire you

http://www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/more_to_life/support_6

Mon
X
/links


----------



## Forgetmenot

Hi Kate,
I am hoping plan b is going to turn out to be exciting.  It's nice that people can keep affording to continue to get their dream, however, realism needs to kick in... And if we want a chance of a plan b, things need to end.
We have had our tenth and final (expensive) cycle, bfn. It's ok as knew it would be.  Our only ever bfp I knew at the time of transfer it would work... This one I knew would fail.
Need to formulate a plan and get out of debt.  First phone call was to the financial advisor.... Bless him a few months ago he was saying how we needed to be more responsible on the credit cards, this time we told him what the debt was about.... He didn't really know what to say.  I want to get debt and mortgage combined, so we can pay it on a reduced wage or downsize to enable some time out.  I too teach, and it's been a challenge, with an evermore demanding job!  One that I used to love.... Now I want more.  I am not sure what that more is anymore however.  I guess it's about finding a new path, new ventures and some new friends.... List have come and gone and lots fall by the way side as you are not following the same pathway, sad but true.
Anyway, I ramble.  Let me know if you find the mythical new...living the dream.... One would had we have not spent all our money, which is ironic lol
Still life goes on, we only have one.... So I for one will pick myself up, dust myself down and get on with something (after a mini breakdown!!).... Just need to find my niche.  Take care, Jen xx


----------



## wanttoflyaway

I am in a very similar situation..... 

What next - like a lot of you say, sort money first ... as far as we have got with a plan b is talking about holidays - then maybe some more hard core travelling after that I don't know - maybe we will find out while we holiday and re fresh 

We are also starting a business - well hubby is self employed and has been for years - so really just taking what he does to the next level, not that I am really involved in that but its about him too. 

I seem to be taking my job a little more seriously of late but I am hoping to change that too - one thing at a time though. 

xx


----------



## beachbaby

Hi ladies, Very close family friends of mine found out just after they were married that they would need donor sperm, having found out the waiting time was over 2 years (long time ago)and they were married later in life so time was against them. they decided to get on with life as a couple, their aim was to visit 50 different countries, they have now done 98 so are going for 100, they are now in their early 70's, she was a nurse and he was a customs officer. They have had a fantastic life as a couple, I do not know anyone who can get so much done in a day, when they come to visit they exhaust us with their abounding energy to see as much as possible. Some of the trips they have done are astounding, they put so much energy into the research before they go so they see as much as possible.
I am sure they hurt in the early days but they have moved forward positively with their life.

I was lucky to be successful at the fourth attempt but we were already discussing our life if we were unsuccessful and we would definitely have moved probably to another country, would love to go now, but harder to do so now.

I wish you all luck in your choices. As one chapter closes another opens xx


----------



## Lady-S

I hope you don't mind me posting....we always had a plan B back up

When my OE Ivf failed and we were in limbo land with our decision to use DE, we came up,with a list of plan b's.

Various options we mulled over

1) save save save to pay off mortgage ASAP
2) learn to sail and spend the summer sailing Mediterranean
3) I was horse riding and started thinking about owning my own horse
4) moving to the seasside

As you can see we decided to use DE and have a little boy so all of the above are on hold!!

I'm a teacher too!!! Totally empathise with the stress!! I'm part time now, which is hard work with a child but perfect with the holidays.

I really really would consider going part time as part of your plan B. yes it's a reduction in salary, but you'd have had to do this AND pay for childcare. Looking back, I kind of wish I'd gone part time through all my tx years. Taken the stress off a bit more. 

What I would say is don't waste time...don't waste your life. I have friends who are childless by choice and quite frankly are working themselves to the bone, don't have any get up and go and I'm not at all jealous of their child free lives. 

I know pre child we went on lovely holidays and always tried to do things that we can't do with a child: whitewater rafting, horse riding etc. I look back at that time with fondness. 

Life is for living and make each day count!!! 

Good luck to you

Xxxxx


----------



## katehe

Thanks lady-s
Looks like our move to OZ is looking more likely as the plan B. Looks like that won't be soon though, so we have taken up ski-ing - we have been going to the dry ski slope and planning a ski trip next year. I am really enjoying it. In truth, it cannot make up for Plan A but I am learning to live with it and focus on being happy anyway. 
Congrats on your baby!


----------



## Isla35

Katehe

Thanks for starting this thread.  

OZ sounds an exciting prospect.  It is something we are considering.  My husbands old company is recruiting out there and his current job is with a small firm that doesn't seem to be going anywhere, it is certainly something to consider.  I think it is a lot easier for us without children, we don't have to worry about disrupting education.  I have some older relatives who now feel torn because they have elderly parents in one part of the world and adult children settled in another.  At least I know that we could work in OZ for ten or twenty years and then come back if we needed/wanted.

Good luck with the skiing.


----------



## katehe

Hi Isla
Yep- I am thinking the same- maybe just work out there for a while rather thinking of it as emigration. Which part of OZ ? X


----------



## Isla35

The job would be in Sydney.  So we are concerned about how expensive it is.  One of the problems is that we have a great quality of life here in the UK, it is just the career opportunity side that is a problem for us.  Warmer weather wouldn't be bad either.


----------



## katehe

Gailgegirl - lovely post x
You are quite right- change does not have to be radical. I realised that my life has changed in a very similar way- I am much more 'fun' and think 'why not do so and so..' And my new motto is 'be happy anyway'. Yes, we have had to cope with plan B but it doesn't mean we have to be miserable.

Isla - Sydney sounds fantastic !! We are planning on Melbourne x


----------



## Isla35

Gailgegirl - Such a good post and really good advice.  I have a little folder in my office which always contains tickets to upcoming events.  I have had a really lovely bank holiday weekend and haven't really had time to think about not being a family.  On Saturday I went to a meetup group for childless women and had a lovely lunch and chat in the wonderful sunshine.  We didn't really talk about the childfree much but just enjoyed being able to chat about what we have and will be doing, sometimes hard to do with friends who are mothers because you often feel like your news is pretty small compared to theirs. (Its not by the way).  On Sunday my DH and I went to a photography exhibition which was great fun and just had a lovely day together.  We stayed up late watching movies because we can.  By the time our village carnival came around on Monday we were too tired, relaxed or happy to really feel anything significant that we weren't with children.

We did a lot of spring planting in our garden this year and I am already enjoying sitting out and reading a book(I am doing a reading challenge this year (30 books)).  This summer we are travelling around as much of Japan as we can in three weeks.   

Of course if I could wave a magic wand my life would be different right now.  But that doesn't mean that I am not finding enjoyment and bits of happiness here or there and building them into a happy life.


----------



## overDAbridge

Looks good conversation.

One I've found really hard to have between all the think positives.

We've thought about another country.

Bridge x


----------



## Pol

In our 6 (I think - not been counting) years since moving on we have:
- both changed jobs and completely retrained in something we prefer doing and find more meaningful even though it pays less well (me to become a primary school teacher, DH to become an IT guru).  I have absolutely no idea how teachers manage being parents as well - it takes every ounce of my energy, but I absolutely love it!
- paid off the mortgage on our little house
- built a wooden Canadian canoe which we've been on various adventures in including a 12-day wild-camping adventure in Knoydart
- enjoyed numerous mountain climbing holidays in Scotland - on average 3 per year
- sold up and moved to a wonderful Georgian flat in the beautiful city of Edinburgh by scraping together every penny we could - and are now renovating that gradually as we save the money
- spent more time with my parents, and developed a lovely adult relationship that isn't fraught with difficulties of how we are bringing up their grandchildren
- watched our nieces and nephews growing up oh so fast and realised what a short space of our lives parenting would really have been
For me the most important part was getting the job right - doing something that didn't feel it was 'just a job' but was a vocation (and a pretty all-consuming one at that) has meant that I don't feel guilty about having free time and money that I wouldn't have had as a parent. Life's very good and I wouldn't have it any other way - despite a long period of despair at the time, I do feel our culture's emphasis on parenting is quite an unhealthy one and to some extent driven by advertisers.  When I lifted my head out of the 'slough of despond' and started to really look around I realised I knew quite a lot of childless older couples who have been living highly fullfilled lives that are an inspiration but I had kind of never thought of them as childless - that wasn't the important thing about them, and now it's not the important thing about me either.
Good luck to you all - there's a silver lining out there for all of you, and I wish you the very best in finding it XXX


----------



## Alotbsl

Hi Just want to a say Pol that your post has been very helpful to me. If anyone else has positive stories, keep them coming!


----------



## Pol

That's really kind, ladies.  I hope you are finding your Plan Bs now - it does take time, so you have to be patient with yourself!


----------



## Sky2t

Hello Ladies,

I just came across this site called Gateway Women and thought I'd share as was a coincidence as I was browsing this forum last week (I'm not on here often) since I have begun contemplating the same things recently...what does our Plan B actually look like...Well this site explores everything about this. I plan to get stuck in when I'm in 'the mood'. There appears to be some really inspiring stories on the blog section!

Anyway, here's the site: www.gateway-women.com

I had a quick browse through the thread again and I couldn't see this site (just incase of duplications)

Sending peace and positive vibes to everyone. x

/links


----------



## Natalie01

Hi ladies,

Just to add my twopence.  I can recommend Gateway Women.  I am a member of a couple of the London meetups and I have found it to be beneficial.  It was so nice to meet people socially who really knew what it was like to be in our situation.  A small group of us went out for lunch. It was fun and lighthearted and we didn't even need to discuss the reason why we were all there.

Hope this helps.

Happy Christmas ladies!!!!


----------



## Jengles

I know this hasn't been posted on for such a long time but I've found it really interesting. 

My husband and I have started our conversation about what a life without children might mean. We can't adopt although otherwise would definitely consider that but there's so much we can do without children. Much as we want them we have to look at the positives of it. 

I'm really thinking about trying to change jobs, what I do doesn't make me happy and maybe I should focus on trying to be as happy as possible rather than just staying in limbo because it's close to home and I can get maternity as I've been there 4 years.


----------



## DP2004

Hi jengles I just wondered how you were getting on? X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Pol

Just sending some love and good wishes to all of you out there taking the 'path less travelled '. I  believe there is a book about childlessness called that (quoting the poem) which I  haven't read,  but the phrase often comes into my head when I  observe my different reactions to situations from those around me. Not being a parent seems to bring a freedom but also a feeling of responsibility to use life well. I  don't have the excuse of being needed by my children or constantly exhausted by their needs: I don't have a legacy through them. My life needs to make sense as mine not as someone's mum. Occasionally I find the hardest thing is to stop and spend leisure time without feeling selfish or empty. For example we spent Boxing Day at a hotel Spa this year as a treat and it somehow felt all wrong but at the same time we did both need some rest after a very hectic few months.  Hard to get that balance right.Joanna x


----------



## Tags77

I had hoped never to need this part of the site but we’ve come to the end of the road. Thank you ladies for the useful links and how you’ve implemented your plan b x


----------

