# My journey with mindfulness



## lilacfairy (Sep 24, 2015)

Hi everybody, I thought I'd start this thread about my own way of coping with infertility. I'm by now means at a point where I'm "coping well", but I have recently started an online mindfulness course and I feel there is something shifting in the way I deal with this. I'd love for people to comment if they have experience with mindfulness or if they want to find out more. At the same time, I hope it will help me cope better by putting my thoughts "on paper".

First, some background. We've not been trying for too long, at least not in months. We started ttc in August 2014. Since then we've been trying for 18 cycles (out of 20 cycles). In my mind, however, I've been ready to become a mum for probably 5-6 years. My husband wasn't ready, his first marriage ended after having a baby, when he felt abandoned by his ex. There were a lot of other problems in the marriage, so that wasn't the only reason, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back. When I first became broody, I started putting quite a bit of pressure on him. He became unhappy and cheated on me. I'm not making excuses for him, just explaining the situation. I found out just after we had finally decided to start ttc. That was 3 years ago. When I found out, babies were off the menu, of course. He wanted to stay with me, but I took a long time to make a decision about whether to stay with him or not. After I decided to stay with him (he proposed and I said yes), we agreed to hold off with trying until he felt more ready for it and also until we had saved up a bit more. That takes us to last year, when we decided to start trying.

In April we had my hormone levels tested, which came back low, but above threshold for ovulation. Because he already has a son, initially we didn't think there's any use in having a semen analysis, but then decided to check just in case. Lo and behold, he had a low sperm count, so we were referred to the assisted conception service in July. Waiting time for first assessment is currently 30 weeks.

As most people here, I'm suffering from the endless ups and downs with my cycle. It's not helping that my cycle length varies A LOT from 21 days to 30 days. It feels like I've been through countless HPTs, ovulation sticks and hours of googling for symptoms. We got married in July and after the wedding I had nothing to take my mind off the pain anymore. The thought of conceiving took over my whole life. Everything else going on in my life pales in comparison (and there's quite a few stressful things going on atm, but I won't go into that). I constantly feel like breaking out in tears. I hate seeing pg women, baby pics on **, etc. You know what I mean. I've also started seeing a counsellor, and it's useful to offload everything to her. Coming to this forum has also helped, both in reducing my anxiety about fertility treatment and in reducing the isolation I have felt.

At the beginning of October I came across this online mindfulness course (mindfulness summit by Mrs Mindfulness, google if you're interested). At the same time I've been reading a book called the happiness trap, which is also based on the mindfulness idea. Listening to the speakers was incredibly interesting and has certainly changed the way I relate to my thoughts in general. However, I found it really hard to apply the ideas to the infertility situation. 

Mindfulness has many different definitions, but this is one of the most commonly used ones: "non-judgmental, present moment awareness, with a feeling of kindness and compassion"

The way I understand it, it is the idea is that you develop a different relationship with your thoughts, by being consciously aware of them, allowing the thoughts and emotions to be there and finding a way to accept them, without being constantly overwhelmed by your emotions. Sounds good in theory.

So far, this journey has led me to the realisation that the emotional pain I constantly feel is a result of different thoughts:
- My belief that I have to be in control of everything.
- My belief that if I can't be a mother, I'm a failure as a woman
- My belief that my husband has to feel and react the same way as me 

For quite a while I thought that "acceptance" in mindfulness means that I have to accept that I can never have a baby. But I realised with time, that this is impossible for me at the moment, because I still have hope (I'm relatively young, we're referred for treatment). During today's mindfulness practice, I realised that instead I have to accept that I am in this situation, even though it is painful, and stop struggling with the thought "I might never have a baby". While that thought may be true, it may also not be true. It's a valid thought, one that many women in my situation have, and because it threatens my beliefs, it makes me sad (grief) and anxious. However, I won't know until I have tried for longer/gone through treatment etc. Since ttc, this thought has taken over my life. But looking at it with a mindful attitude, it's really just a thought. It's not a fact. While there is still some grief left, it feels just a tad easier to bear. I've actually let myself grieve consciously and not suppressed it. It helps.

That's how far I've come so far. I notice that by writing this down, it has a calming effect on me. I hope I can take this into my daily life, especially for the next 2ww. 

Sorry for the long post! It seems these things take a lot of words to express.


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## Rebecca81 (Oct 19, 2015)

Thanks for sharing - it's really interesting to hear what you've been doing. I'm definitely guilty of convincing myself that I'll never have a baby, and you're right, it's just something I tell myself, not an actual fact. It does sometimes get easy to confuse the two, so taking time out to realise this stuff sounds like a great idea!


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I have just ordered a great book of Amazon about Mindfulness, it includes a cd to.  

I learnt about mindfulness when I had a breakdown a couple of years ago.

Strangely for me, the years of Ttc never affected me to badly.  I didn't know how or when, but I knew I would be a mother one day.  I had the attitude that life is for living and I went on some great holidays with my hubby and things we couldn't do with a family.

Thanks for sharing your story.

X


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## lilacfairy (Sep 24, 2015)

Thank you Stacey and Rebecca for replying!

Stacey, this is a really good attitude to have. I have also started going "back to life" more. Recently I met more often with friends, and I'm going back to yoga classes, which I stopped going to for a few months. I also signed up for a sewing class, something I've wanted to do for a while! Holidays are a bit more tricky in my situation just now, but I'm hoping to visit a friend in Spain in the new year. 

As long as there is realistic hope, then I can allow myself to hope without being crushed every time AF arrives. Fingers crossed the mindfulness practice helps me keep on going with this attitude!


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I have to admit, I had a huge wake up call when my Mum had a brain haemorrhage at 52yrs of age and only had a 50% of survival.  

It made me realise that we never know when our time is up and how sad would it be, that we could spend a lot of it being unhappy due to infertility.  Obviously everyone is different, but it certainly helped me appreciate being here and healthy.

X


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## lilacfairy (Sep 24, 2015)

So sorry to hear that, Stacey! What a wake-up call! I hope she's ok now?


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

She is fine now Thankfully.

X


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## Tigger99 (Dec 15, 2012)

Brilliant post lilac fairy. Personally I have found mindfulness one of the few things that has kept me sane through my 6 miscarriages. It has helped me accept the situation I am in. That doesn't mean I don't want to change it but stops me going mad with grief and 'what ifs'.

I bought a book with cd (kindle edition does not come with the cd so don't order!). I downloaded the cd onto my iPhone and I was off after reading a short bit of the book. Here's the Amazon link if anyone is interested.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/074995308X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1445899980&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=mindfulness&dpPl=1&dpID=51rcZ8%2BpQfL&ref=plSrch

/links


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## lilacfairy (Sep 24, 2015)

Tigger99, thanks so much for the link. I heard about this book, but haven't read it yet. I'll definitely give it a go! Your story is heart-breaking. I can't imagine what you've been through. Big hug! 

So, I've just entered a 2ww. I'm trying to keep up the mindful attitude, but it's hard. I'm symptom focused even though I know they don't have to (or even can't) mean anything. I'm trying to stay present, while my mind keeps telling me that there may be a fertilised egg wandering down one of my tubes. Thank you, mind! I'm fantasising about holding a BFP in my hands. Thank you, mind! That pulling sensation must be caused by my ovaries and that can only be good, right? Thanks again, mind! Maybe we don't have to go through treatment after all? Thanks for that thought as well, mind! Now let's get back to the present.


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## lilacfairy (Sep 24, 2015)

Not being able to conceive and being confronted with this every month when AF arrives, triggers in me (and most others I imagine) an intense grief reaction. In the past I have tried to suppress this grief. I told myself to stay positive, to not think about it, to keep busy and scolded myself for having these thoughts int he first place. I realised that this is totally counterproductive. Not allowing these feelings used up a lot of my mental and physical energy. I found it hard to cope with other things, that wouldn't usually faze me.

So I stopped suppressing the grief. This time round I allowed myself to grieve for the loss of the baby that could have been. There was some crying involved, some cuddling with DH, some general sadness and after a few days I was done. No more heavy load to carry around. Sure, there's still some uncertainty about the infertility issue and the future in general, but that's just something I have to live with. Mindfulness helps with this issue a lot.

Just today, the lady who ran the mindfulness summit posted a blog about using mindfulness when dealing with grief (something I sorely missed during the summit!!). I want to share this with you, even though her situation is very different from ours. There is a lot of wisdom in there:
http://mrsmindfulness.com/how-to-use-mindfulness-in-times-of-crisis-challenge/

/links


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