# It’s still a struggle



## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Is there anyone else that has to move on but not through choice or acceptance? Anyone still struggling with everything years after their last cycle?
I had no choice but to move on. After 10 negative cycles, lack of funds, age against me, adoption and surrogacy not possible.... It wasn’t a choice and I still struggle. 
I guess I’m just looking for someone who understands.


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through .
I haven't been in your position yet but cannot imagine how hard it must be to have to move on.
I think women face a huge amount of pressure to just 'stop' like were alcoholics or something . I read it on here with people saying this is my absolute final. Family friends and partners also play a part. Then there's the biggest issues -finances. 
I think the majority of women get forced to move on rather than choose.  Also with a very unrealistic expectation placed on it i.e your leaving ivf behind and a new life of happiness awaits. Ivf isn't a drug addiction.  We're doing it cause we want a child. If your forced to move on your longing for a child doesn't just go away. 

I have an abysmal history and my chances of success are pretty much zero I'm realistic about that. But with ivf I can live in hope . Without it i have none. So in that respect my quality of life is better if I can continue to pursue ivf.  And if i won the lottery id continue until the legal cut off of 55. Eventually finances will get the better of me no doubt and I'll be forced too to stop .
It's incredibly difficult but don't feel like your alone. I'm sure there are thousands of women out there still heartbroken by having to accept chilessness without the hope of ivf. Who havent been able to fill that void with travel /wine tasting /all the  lie ins in the world and  all the things we're told we can now enjoy. It doesn't mean your weak or a failure . It means you very much wanted a child and those dreams were not realised.  Grief is a slow painful  process , I guess eventually you build a life around it until life becomes bigger than the void. 
Maybe further treatment is an option for you who knows 
I hope you can find peace either way . One day at a time 
Sending u lots of hope and love 
Kj xxxx


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## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Thank you soo soo much for your reply. I hadn’t seen it until now as I didn’t know my notifications were turned off.... 
I just wish there was some kind of support for the ones without a happy ending. It’s a very lonely feeling. I keep hoping I’ll start to feel better and then something will happen that sends me straight back to the beginning. This week was halloween believe it or not....
I can totally understand why people don’t want to hear about the stories like mine. It’s always preferable to hear about people getting their dream but it also feels like everyone in the world got there except me. 
But thank you again for your reply and really really wish you the best for your own journey... Thankfully, I am the minority! 
Xxxxx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

hi Luisa
there are lots of us in that boat, but we are almost a silent group. have u heard of gateway women? 
I don't think I ever really accepted it, it's more u learn to live with it (like bereavment).
have u had counselling?
I am years on from failed ivfs but just today I felt a stab of jealousy when I heard someone in the office talk about their pregnancy! 
one thing I heard recently, is that by the time I'm elderly.. one in four women will be child less or child free. xx u r not alone...we r just in the shadows and not many of us visit this forum (only when I'm fantasising about pregnancies!!)


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## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Sorry for the late reply again. For some reason I’m not getting notifications. Yes, I think that is very true. When the treatment finishes I also stopped visiting this site. 
I hadn’t heard of gateway but will check it out. 
Thank you!


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## IceCat (May 3, 2017)

Hi Luisa - just wanted to say I'm in very similar situation now. 8 negative cycles, adoption and surrogacy not possible, and we basically finished all our money, just everything we had. I understand there is no reason for me to continue because most definitely it will never happen. But in my heart I still feel same struggle. For now I just continue living with this pain every single day. Had some counselling but wasn't really helpful. I also checked gateway women by the way, it helped understanding you're not alone. The only solution I have (at least for myself) that with time I will just accept it somehow and will probably hurt less after many years from now. 

Sending you love.


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Luisa8

One of the same here. Lot of heartache, nothing to show. 

You are definitely not alone. It’s a pain that doesn’t go away but you learn to leave with it.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

I’m really pleased someone suggested the Gateway Women, I’ve heard lots of good things about them. I am trying to put together a resources sticky post for this section and hopefully I can get it up and running soon xxx


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

There is an author, I think her name is Justine Froelker, who wrote a book about being childfree not by choice. She is also active on social media and might have a podcast or appeared on one, about her struggles and sadness but working toward other happiness and health.

Lots of love xo


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## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies. It really means a lot. Although i wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone, it does help knowing I’m not alone. 
I’ve ordered the book! Sending you love IceCat 
I know Xmas time is a difficult “children orientated” time so if anyone wants to chat please do get in touch. 
Sending you all lots of love n hugs xxxx


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