# Could do with a little support right now



## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Hi all,
Well I've been crying for the last 12 hours and can't seem to stop... I think the realisation has just hit home that we aren't going to do this without ivf and I really don't want to have to admit it. I've been doing everything to try to avoid it, most recently we went for private scans to track my cycle to see if I'm ovulating. I know most of the time I don't as I hardly ever get LH surges on the ovulation tests but this month they tracked my lead follicle right up to Wednesday morning when it was measured at 2.8 and my lining looked 'perfect'. Consultant told me if we were going to try then last night was the nigh as I was about to 'pop'. Guess what dh announced he wasn't feeling well and went to sleep in the spare room. I cried myself to sleep and can't seem to stop this morning.... The whole way through this last week every day that ive been up cor the scan and the wee folli has been up on the screen infront of me ive kept thinking how amazing would it be to get pregnant and be able to tell my child that i saw them as an egg before thy were even fertilized! I know i probably have made things much harder than they need to be, this sounds mad, but I feel likebondedI've with this egg, and now I'm mourning it!!! IF has turned me into a basket case. I've cancelled my meeting today and am currently curled up on the sofa sobbing. Dh is at a loss with me and I'm so angry! Fair enough if he's not feelin well under normal circumstances, but seriously am I being unreasonable? I feel like I'm morning this little lost egg I know I ovulated yesterday, big smiley face on the pee stick and we've just wasted the best opportunity we've had in months... Told dh last night that I'm scared we're going to end up having to have ivf because we're too useless to have sex when it matters.... I was very specific that I said we and not you, but that's what I really meant anyway. How do I make him understand what this means!!! We only have a few nights every year to try to make a baby, and I do t know how many times I've slept with him when I wasn't really in the mood but gave in to him anyway.
Just feel a bit broken emotionally, and I don't know what to say to him. Anytime I get upset over anything he always asks 'what's wrong love' and it's like there's so much I don't know where to start and I end just crying and saying either 'you know' or 'nothing'. How do I tell him I'm angry at him for not giving us the best chance possible of avoiding the heartache of having to go through ivf?
Sorry for the rant,
D


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## buggles (May 24, 2012)

Hey duckybun (love your username!)

This all sounds so difficult for you and I think unless anyone has been through it they would have no idea what you are going through and how painful it can be. Don't apologise for your rant. Sometimes I feel like howling to the wind!

We manage to upset ourselves so much that we don't know how to express whats wrong and end up pushing away the people we love.

Could it be that there is something else up with DH, not just 'feeling unwell', but that the pressure and strain is getting to him, he has performance anxiety or a mental block. You say you are struggling to express how you feel, perhaps he is too, and saying 'I don't feel well' is the best he can do. I doubt that he missed the importance of this to you, unless he is blind! But then, you know him, I don't. 

Have you had any counselling? or spoken to samaritans?It made it easier for me to express to OH how I feel and the main points I want him to understand. The first two sessions I poured everything out and just sobbed and sobbed. It was painful but I felt much, much better after. To do that without someone butting in going 'there there' or saying insensitive things.

In the meantime, see your crying and sobbing and shouting for what it is - grief. You are mourning the life you expected to have. Be kind to yourself. If you can't get off the sofa and you can't stop crying - cry on the sofa! Its important to allow yourself to feel how you feel. Sorry if thats a little touchy feely, its really important.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

hi duckybun, you poor thing    it's totally normal for you to feel like you do. you are mourning the baby you didn't conceive this month and the babies you didn't conceive all the other months, and the baby you may never conceive naturally. i used to sob and sob each month when AF arrived. 


your dh is probably struggling with his emotions too and also perhaps he doesn't know how to 'make things better' for you. my dh hated seeing me upset but there was nothing he could do and his powerlessness drove him mad.


buggles is right, be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve   I also think you should tell dh how you are feeling, he may surprise you.


hang in there though, it's a long hard journey but miracles do happen


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm sorry that you feel so angry about everything  

You don't have to have IVF right away, you can spend some time ttc still because it doesn't sound impossible it's just that you have to wait longer between opportunities.

I can understand you feeling the way that you do, but your way of dealing with the situation isn't going to do you any favours.

Try thinking about it from DH pov. You are moody, you are unkind, you are spiteful and then you have the cheek to expect him to want to be intimate with you? 

Rather than looking at it as your dh letting you down because he should want to have sex regardless of how you treat him, perhaps if you want it so badly you should be able to make him want to have sex with you by being more approachable.

Instead of sulking in your bedroom, you should have been sneaking into the spare room and trying to snuggle and remind him that you do actually still love him. It's a two way thing.

There is still time to fertilise that egg of yours  xx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

hmmmm not sure how helpful that is L-ouise....

don't think duckybun actually said she was 'moody', 'unkind' or 'spiteful' and then having the 'cheek' to want to be intimate with her OH when they ARE actually trying to conceive. don't entirely agree it's a 'cheek' in that scenario. it's what they're BOTH trying to achieve TOGETHER. obviously, if he's properly not well then fair enough.



> because he should want to have sex regardless of how you treat him, perhaps if you want it so badly you should be able to make him want to have sex with you by being more approachable.





> I was very specific that I said we and not you, but that's what I really meant anyway. How do I make him understand what this means!!! We only have a few nights every year to try to make a baby, and I do t know how many times I've slept with him when I wasn't really in the mood but gave in to him anyway.


and i don't really think what duckybun says warrants your 'regardless of how you treat him'. she also didn't say anything about being unapproachable in any way or that she was 'sulking'. i think she realises it's a 'two way thing'

just saying.......


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Hi ladies,
Thanks for all the replies, not really sure how to respond. To be honest I was looking for a bit of support, just needed to hear that someone understood where I was coming from and that I was at least behaving within normal parameters even if they were a bit skewed given the circumstances. 
Greatgazza, thanks Hun I wasn expecting to have to have someone 'stick up' for me but hey ho I guess that's what you ask for posting on a public site. L_ouise I appreciate everything you say but honestly dont you think I have considered all of this? I have done nothing but make sure I am approachable, have tired my very best to keep communicating with my much cherished husband throughout, but there comes a point as I'm sure you're aware that there are inevitably times in a relationship where it's hard to be 'approachable'. Bless him he's not feelin well and I understand that, he knew that last night was our optimum time but bar me saying... I'm sorry love but (tmi...) my mucus is right and I peed on a stick that says I'm ovulating... How am I to supposed to be able to make myself feel sexy and available to him That's what's getting to me, no matter how much I sashay around infront of him he's not going to feel much like it If he's under the weather and I'm just so feckin frustrated at the universe for putting us a couple in this sh*tty situation.
Also yes he went into the spare room, because he was coughing and didn't want to keep me awake, but I told him I didn't care and he came back in and I lay in his arms all night while he tried his best to console me. Please don't think that I'm not approachable to my own husband, I am it's just sometimes I find it hard to let him know just how much it hurts being the female in the equation. Men are men, he, sorry to be crude, but could in theory father a child anytime given the chance, and we really only do have 1 or 2 chances per month or less I like me you're not ovulating regularly. I know what my cycle is doing as I've invested so much time and effort into researching and reading he signs my own body is giving me, but I'm rwly not about to start opening my come on with lines like... 'right darling, my cervical mucus is eggy lets get jeggy...'
Kandykane, thanks hun, I just needed someone to tell me I was okay and you did just that. 
Buggles, ta hon, all cried out now and sofa is a bit damp! Don't think I'm quite ready for the samaritans yet!
X
D


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

Hi Duckybun
Just read your post now, and hope your day has improved and you and DH maybe have had a chance to talk things through a bit.
It's completely normal to feel so disappointed about how things worked out especially when you are specifically tracking your cycle with private scans.  So, yes, to answer your query, you are definitly 'behaving within normal parameters'.  I can imagine your complete frustration that your DH was not feeling well that night, of all nights (sod's law!).  I think when you are TTC, 'random sexy time' disappears as time goes by, and unfortunately it does become a bit more 'scheduled' but that's because the end goal changes,  I didn't get the impression you were unapproachable to your DH from your post at all and given the situation, you handled it very patiently.  I can certainly appreciate why you want to avoid IVF if at all possible, who the heck wouldn't?  

Hope you had a good day
DJ x


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Thanks DJ
Alls good, dh and I went out for breakfast yesterday and I had a good cry into my cup of tea and we talked everything through, (i think the waitress thought i was a nut job!) I now have his lurgy though!!! Bless him he's on the mend so he's away up to sainsburys to do the shop.
Thanks for your kind words
X
D


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

good news duckybun, glad to hear that.

 

GGx


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

Oh that's good news - I am glad to hear ye've had a chat hun.  Sorry to hear you're not feeling well though - relax, put the feet up and enjoy a bit of spoiling   

DJ x


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## bazinga (Jan 6, 2012)

L_ouise said:


> Try thinking about it from DH pov. You are moody, you are unkind, you are spiteful and then you have the cheek to expect him to want to be intimate with you?


WTF?? Is this post for real? I got NONE of that from the OP, I saw a woman who was upset over missing her chance. I saw a husband that wasn't well and went to the spare room. Perhaps he feels under pressure, a lot of men do, but to call her unkind and spiteful? For grieving a loss? She lost the expectation of a chance she had built up. She can grieve it.

OP, I am glad you are working things out! It's ok to feel sad about your loss. Don't give up hope. Next cycle, when you see a change in your mucus, initiate the sex. Don't tell him, he may feel undue pressure. Men can find it hard to admit they feel the pressure, as they are afraid to admit a weakness - to "dent" their male ego.

Take your time, and concentrate on all the follies to come!


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## L21 (Oct 1, 2010)

Hey duckybun,

You're totally normal to be like this. Its often a small thing that is the final tipping point! When we were trying naturally (before we knew about my DH's very low sperm count) I'd try to 'seduce' him but sometimes I just had to say 'look we need to do it'. Because the way I look at it, we both need to put effort into it or its not going to happen. And now I've had 3 rounds of ICSI and we still have the odd row when he wears tight underwear/has a hot bath. No disrespect to men, but I found that my DH took a really long time to get with the programme.
You're going through a very stressful and upsetting time so dont beat yourself up about being emotional. MY DH definitely thought I was a nut job in the beginning. In a way I found the beginning of what we've been through the hardest, and once you actually move onto IVF it feels like at least you're doing something and as you follow the consultants schedule its all really in their hands.
Hope you've had a good chat with your DH about how you feel. I find it best to say my piece and then leave it to sink in for a few days.

Good luck with it all and dont worry, we have have wobbles!
xxx


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## Vickytick (Feb 25, 2011)

Have to agree with the others sex becomes a 'have to' rather than 'unable to contain yourselves'   

More often than not I say to dh we have to bbm tonight and quite frankly neither of us want to but then we think about why and just get on with it. Yes romance really does go out the window...

He probably feels the pressure as they have to perform but it will get easier. IVF is tough but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. You get used to it all v quickly.

Sometimes you need to rant and where better than here. Xx


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

hi girlies,
ta Bazinga, thanks for that, onwards and upwards as they say x
Louie and Vickytic, I think the whole prospect of IVF had as such to do with my melt down as the wee lost follie tbh. It's good to know that once you both started treatment you felt more positive. In a way getting my cycles tracked this month was my last line of defence before I had to give in and just go for it iykwim, and now that I know 'everything is working as it should be' (consultants words!) and we're still not getting pg I've had to admit to myself, and DH that we have to get ourselves ready to start a round of IVF asap. Actually I think the weekend was quite cathartic, we just need to sit down and work out when is going to be the best time. 
I'm booking myself in for a lap and dye to try to see if there's any endo that needs treated first and then we're jumping on the bandwagon. So all in all I'm feeling quite positive that we know what our next step is.
thank you all again for the kind words and understanding ears
x
d


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## galprincess (Nov 12, 2007)

DB honey i totally sympaphise bit different to you but i found out that chances of mje and DP ever conceiving naturally is 5% we have male issues!!!
i was put on clomid and told to do the deed on a particular day every cycle and i got fixated with when how etc but DP would never want to i felt i resented him.
Anyways we went ahead and tried naturally each month i obsessed band grieved its a natural process and women who havent been through it dont understand i would break my heart and it was depressing.
In 2009 we went for consultation and ended up having IVF with ICSI i wont lie it was tough i was 24 then and my friends were popping out babies and i felt so cheated but in 2010 our son was born and he is incredible im currently pregnant with our 2nd but my point is you are not a failure your incredible your journey will make you strong and you will get there ivf or naturally it doesnt matter hun because when you have your baby the way you made him or her and what youve been through disappears and your full of love appreciation and the fact you did it xxxx


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