# Who do you tell you are going through IVF?



## Annie37 (May 3, 2015)

do you have any regrets who you have and haven't told? 

Have you told people and wished you hadn't?

Have you told no one except maybe your partner and wish you could speak to other friends and family?

I'm trying to figure out what's best for us x


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

It's a tough one and certainly down to the individual.

I had always wanted a family and as soon as I was married, stupidly told everyone that it was the next step for us.  Although we miscarried very early, it was another 4 years of nothing.  I was always asked about baby plans and in the end just told people that we were having problems.  I can honestly say that everyone was so supportive and I never had a negative comment.

When we started IVF, we told just parents and siblings and one of my closest friends.

X


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## gaynorann (Sep 1, 2012)

On our first round of ICSI we told most of our family as it was all new and they have been with us for our numerous years of no baby, we are doing a FET right now and the only people who know are my parents and sister, plus ive had to tell my boss incase i needed to swap any shifts at work. It is a personal decision who you tell and if you tell (some people never say theyve had IVF at all).


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## Ali_123 (Mar 13, 2014)

We've only discussed our struggles with a handful of family members and a couple of my best friends who have always known that kids were the plan.This has only been recently,we kept it to ourselves for a long time. The reason we are not open about it is because we find it personal and don't enjoy discussing it. Some people are open and I admire them in a way but we just didn't feel that being open was for us. You also have to think about the fact that if you tell people they will want updates. If it doesn't work will you be ready to share that news? And if it does work would you want people knowing early on? Sometimes it's unavoidable and my DH mentioned this latest round to his boss so that he can take necessary days off as we are having treatment abroad. I must say,  everyone we have mentioned it to has been great about it! If we end up getting lucky I may tell all then...not sure yet...might just want to forget about it all! xx


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## Mrs_Roo (Dec 3, 2014)

We've been open about our struggle ttc. My husband and I have been together for nearly 14 years and to start with my DH was was open about not wanting a family young and if people asked if we were next he'd quickly jump in with "not for a few years yet". I've always wanted children and now he does too I didn't want people(mainly my family) to think he was preventing me from having a family. 
Even my work colleagues know as when events were planned for say the following year I used to naively say things like "well I hopefully won't be here when that happens!" ...12 months on, 24 months on even, I'm still there 
It's a bit embarrassing really how I was so stupid to think that. I've also found it really difficult with appointments and getting time off because of the distance between school (I teach) and GP surgery/hospital even going for a blood test means having to take half the morning off and organising cover for my class and I've had to have many of those!!! So I have found it easier that my headteacher knows why I need the time off. 
Everyone is supportive but because so many people know I do feel like I'm having to give updates on what's going on quite frequently, mostly my response is "still waiting" and leave it at that. I understand that some people want to keep it private and it's down to each couples own choice but I do hate that there's still a bit of a stigma around it and that some people are completely oblivious to the painful struggles some couples face. 

We're yet to start IVF (hopefully within next couple of months) and if it's unsuccessful I may regret so many people knowing? But it's too late now x


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## El100 (Feb 8, 2015)

I've been pretty open about my fertilty treatment and problems with friends and family. My work colleagues don't know but my boss does because I thought it would be easier when asking for time off and he has been understanding. I sometimes feel embarassed discussing whether I'm ovulating or not with my younger brother (!) but overall am glad that I can talk to him and other family and know I have their support. I've told quite a lot of my closer friends. Most have been very supportive and I feel better not having to hide a major part of my life from them. Unfortunately I've also felt let down by a very few friends who I thought would be there for me but have not kept in touch or who have just completely avoided the topic when I've seen them which has upset me. I expect they don't know how to deal with the issue and ard perhaps embarassed and don't know what say? Has anyone else experienced this? Overall though I think it's helpful to tell at least some people so you don't feel alone.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

don't tell anyone unless you really have to. seriously. you can always tell them later. you can't undo telling them.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Do whatever feels right for you.  First cycle we told family and a few close friends but I found the constant questions and asking for updates too much on top of going through everything, I had thought it would be helpful to have their support but found it too intrusive.  We told no-one about cycles 2 and 3 except parents as there was a chance we'd need a lift back on EC day if DH needed SSR.  For us this was much better.

All our friends know we've had fertility treatment it's just the timings we've kept to ourselves.  Good Luck  

Dory
xxx


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

At first I didn't mind people knowing (immediate family/friends) I was having IVF, but when my first and second attempt failed it was awful having to tell people. Subsequent treatments became only my dad and sister, 1 friend and 2 people at work (for planning purposes and just in case it worked). My aunt/uncle and 2 cousins also knew sometimes that we were going for treatment but not details - it was all communicated through my sister. Unfortunately most people at work ended up knowing as my early miscarriage happened at work, but again they never knew subsequent details they just guessed.

However, now I am actually, finally pregnant I'm back to not caring who knows. Given my OH and I have been together 23 years, I'm 47 and he is 50 - it would be fairly obvious to most people anyway that we have had IVF even if they don't know it was donor. I don't even mind saying how many tries we have had, it is almost like my battle scars and saying _"look what we have gone through, this is indeed a much loved, much wanted miracle baby"_. Everyone has been delighted for us.

As Dory says, it is an individual thing. My OH has only told his mum and also 2 friends - but even the friends were only after the early miscarriage. Personally I find the bottling up, the lies and the secrecy too hard so needed to tell a few but that has to be balanced out to the feelings of despair when it didn't work and you just want to shut out the world and hide.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
Turia x


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## Lanny85 (Jan 12, 2015)

It's a really interesting topic.

I think I'm in a major minority in that I was just very open about it so all my colleagues and friends knew. I found it easier for people to know we were struggling to conceive over the last 3 years otherwise I just couldn't have coped with all the "It'll be you next," "when are you going to have children comments," especially as I work with about 100 women so there's aleays 2 or 3 who are pregnant. Because I was quite open about that it just came naturally to chat about waiting for and having IVF. I have found that every single person without exception has been supportive and kind. It's been good for me because it's meant I've found quite a few other people going through or who've had similar experiences which has been a great support.  I think the things to consider before telling people are:
- They will ask you how it's going so you just have to be prepared for that or of course explain to them that you don't  want questions
- Depending on what is cauisng the infertily it may be easier/harder to share, because we were 'unexplained' I found it easy to share but if for example it had been a problem with my husbands sprerm I would have been less likely to share as I wouldn't have felt he'd want me discussing that, though of course you don't have to tell people the whole story
- If you're telling people you're having IVF some will just come out and ask if it worked, I was lucky and it did work but of course this made it difficult to keep the pregnancy a secret early on. That said if it hadn't have worked it would have been hard but I think I would have been glad people knew so they could support me. 

The person I'm most glad I told is my boss as it meant they could help sort out shifts for appointments. I'm glad I shared but think carefully of the consequences before you do.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

It's definitely a personal decision and depends on the relationships and circumstances you are in.

With work for example there is no way I could not be there and no one know so I had to tell them. It doesn't mean I go into great detail, people don't understand how it works anyway so it's relatively easy to keep the details to yourself. That being said it's only my manager and one of my work colleagues - which also helps as I don't have to make up excuses, because they know they deal with any fake excuses for me  

We socialise a lot and people notice if we are not drinking. Everyone also has babies (recently) so it was loads easier to tell people than to listen to people say stupid and inappropriate things. They still do, but at least now it's accidentally stupid and not meant to be stupid! Again we don't go into details and people never really clicked on - they think it takes months anyway so no one knew OTD etc. We did on the first cycle, but quickly realised most people are gormless when it comes to IVF: one friend thought that OTD was just when we needed to have sex if we got a positive to try and get pregnant  

One thing I would say, and I know it gets brought up a lot, is that it's hard to tell people it's not worked when they know you have had it. From my point of view it was harder telling people who hadn't known that it didn't work - if that makes sense! 

It all depends on what type of person you are and what circumstances you are in, so take your time and remember that even if you do tell 90% of people won't have a clue about it anyway xxx


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## Annie37 (May 3, 2015)

Really really interesting replies ladies. Thanks so much for sharing all your personal opinions and experiences. I've drank it all in and am deciding where I sit and how I feel about it all.ie do I discuss the des told or just generally say we are having treatment and not discuss dates. Think that's a good idea. 

People assume we are trying generally, some people think I don't like children (I never said that they just assumed as I don't have any at my age and married) I've told a couple of friends who I think have told others hence why everyone is being a bit quiet in my friends group not inviting me to a ******** group and other things.

I'm definitely not telling my work as they will write me off. I'm quite senior and paid well but I can already see they are bringing a junior to me up the ranks to take my job as a back up. It's happened every time someone got pregnant where I work and women are not encouraged back. Out of last 20 pregnancies at my work one came back for 3 months and was let go. Isn't that shocking? They tend to employ more people when pregnancies are announced so no one has ever come back. 

X


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## father2bornot2b (Jun 2, 2015)

Annie37 said:


> I'm definitely not telling my work as they will write me off... It's happened every time someone got pregnant where I work and women are not encouraged back. Out of last 20 pregnancies at my work one came back for 3 months and was let go. Isn't that shocking? They tend to employ more people when pregnancies are announced so no one has ever come back.


That is shocking Annie! Can see why you wouldn't want them to know!

My DW has told a couple of colleagues and I have only told my boss at work so that we could organise time off for appointments. He was given strict instructions not to tell anyone. Just don't want all those prying questions from people wanting to know everything what's going on...


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## Bahhumbug (Nov 30, 2014)

Blimey, that is shocking! And probably borderline illegal! No wonder you want to keep schtum.

In general i am pretty ok with who knows - family, some friends, a trusted circe at work (and so far  amazwd it hasnt got out as they can be a gossipy lot), people from Church.

A word of caution, though - i do sometimes worry that we've 'overshared', and, like someone said above, you Can't take it back. This has happened when ive been having a particularly bad day and have needed a shoulder. My advice therefore is to choose your circle very carwfully and get to know your own coping mechanisms for those bad days.

In general telling people has made for more support, has stopped them being quite so knobby, and has made me less hyper-sensitive...i hope.
X


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## Lanny85 (Jan 12, 2015)

That's such a shame about your work, makes me angry to think that things like that still happen! Being a nurse I'm lucky I'm in a female dominated profession so they're a lot more supportive.

Good luck with the treatment and I hope anyone you do tell is really supportive.


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## Annie37 (May 3, 2015)

I know , knowing my career is hanging loose when (if?!) this IVF works is a bit worrying... Maybe I'll be the first to break the old boys club mentality.. Maybe. 

I see some of you have got blogs.., that a great idea, what a way to vent out thoughts on paper great reading!


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Some people also keep diaries on here - obviously a bit different to a blog, but equally theraputic!  

I hope you do break the old boys club attitudes honey - i used to work in construction and i think a lot of people would be shocked at what still happens in some companies regarding gender inequality!

xxx


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

I asked the exact same question a couple of years ago (and no doubt many others have since, and will again) so here's a few more opinions on the subject:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=298933.msg5282543#msg5282543

For us, it remained at my parents, medical professionals and a handful of people I met through a support group. I'd still say this was the right decision for us, as some of the comments and things that happened following my miscarriage leaves me with no doubt that our privacy would have been disrespected and our feelings and needs trodden down by those around us. The rather drastic turn of events meant that absolutely everyone knew about it. This was exactly the reason that our second pregnancy was a tightly locked down secret until about 14 weeks, especially as we spent most of them expecting another miscarriage.

It really is a wholly personal decision, you know your friends and family best. xx


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

Oh, and just to confirm what Cloudy said - I kept diaries through my journey and it really helped x


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