# Is anyone trying for a third child?



## suzy (Oct 12, 2003)

Hi everyone,

Well, we have our two little miracles, and I really thought I was through with ttc/ivf etc, until we had a natural BFP and then miscarried. Its opened up a bag of worms for me and I feel confused, and wondered if there is anyone who has been through something similar.

The thing is, my DH would really like a third child, but, at 41, I'd felt that the possibility of genetic abnormalities was too high a risk for me, given we had two healthy children. I didn't really think I would fall pg, and dh talked me out of going on the pill or using contraception - which suited me really as I've spent the last four years either pg or full of IVF hormones. But having fallen pg, I kind of got used to the fact that I was going to have a third, and it felt really good.  I was worried about abnormalities, but once I was pg, there was nothing I could do about that, it was already a done deal. I was initially told I would miscarry, but when I didn't, and a scan showed a "normal pg" and heartbeat, we were both overjoyed and over the moon. Only I carried on bleeding slightly and at the next scan, there was no heartbeat and we were both devestated. Our world came crashing down. My feelings were confusing, as I knew it was amost certainly abnormal and therefore better to miscarry than to make the awful decision to terminate or not, and I already have two beautiful children who are my life and who, up until recently were all I ever wanted. 

Now I'm not sure what to do. I do believe that just because a couple is "infertile", it doesn't mean that they shouldn't have desires and wants about having a family like fertile people - as in, if a couple with IF want 5 children, I think its wrong to think of them as greedy, if you wouldn't feel that about a fertile couple. 

I don't want to use contraception, but neither do I want to become "desperate" or too focused on ttc and be taken away emotionally from my two miracles. I certainly don't want to do IVF again - I'm 41, and I've had enough. And it took 5 attempts to get our second child. And I can only imagine the awfulness of sitting in the waiting room of the clinic with two children, and having the other women looking at me with a "are you for real" kind of look on their faces. And as we are nearly broke anyway, another child would put enormous financial strain on us, and also marital stress (that's not to mention me with my PND, for which I am still on treatment, but don't plan to be for ever.)

Anway, we will probably just not do anything, and I'll try to not think about it, whilst dh will try to do frantic BMS at every opportunity . I know that he would do IVF at the drop of a hat again - which is my problem really.

Suzy


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## KW33 (Apr 10, 2006)

Suzy,

first of all I am so very sorry for your loss.  That must have a been a terrible experience up one minute then down the next.  

I have one child at the moment so whilst I can't say I'm in the same position as you I can totally empathise.  I would ideally like 4 children and really get angry when people seem to imply that I should "settle" for one now.  I adore my little girl but don't see why I should give up on my family dreams.  As you say no-one would ever suggest such a thing to a "fertile" couple. It makes me really angry that people feel they can say such things to me.

It must be hard as I would think that you were focused on your 2 beautiful miracles and enjoying them when the natural BFP occurred and made you rethink.  DH will be trying all kinds of romancing now hun...!1  

Anyway I didn't want to read and run so lots of   and don't feel bad, it's never easy and this is what FF is fabulous for venting and working out how we feel.  And knowing that we are not alone in our feelings.

Take very good care of you.

Karin

xxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Suzy

I know your worries about genetic (or other) abnormalities only too well  but at the end of the day the risk is still fairly low (ok so its not as good as a 21 year old but your chances of having a healthy baby are still pretty good!). I know many ladies who have lost babies to age related (assummed!) chromosomal problems, who have then gone on to have another healthy baby. 

Only you can know whether ttc no 3, 4 or even 5 is right for you. The IF does make it a lot harder though and I send you lots of  and if you want it 

Whatever you decide will be what your heart tells you.

Deb


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## Cuthbert (Oct 3, 2003)

Suzy,

I'm so sorry that you lost your unexpected little miracle. It's no wonder that your head is all over the place at the moment.

As far as trying for baby number 3 goes, we've been trying since our two were 6 months old. We went through one final (very tough) ICSI cycle just over a year ago and when that didn't work, we resigned ourselves to being a family of 4. I thought that our days of TTC were at an end but it hasn't worked out that way. There is no way on this earth that we'll go through ICSI again - it had a pretty dreadful effect on our marriage and family life at the time - but as long as there's a possibility of trying for another baby, I think that we'll take a risk and keep our fingers crossed. The fact that we know that it's going to be nigh on impossible to have another child this way has taken the pressure of TTC away from us and it's great to finally have that burden of monthly knicker-checking removed.

You're absolutely right that we shouldn't feel guilty about wanting more children. People without infertility issues don't have to go through that guilt and just because we understand so much more what childless couples are going through doesn't take away the natural longing for another child.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Jules


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## sarahc (Mar 26, 2003)

Hi Suzy

no your not alone - we are just not protected and will see what happens. I have had a natural BFP but m/c early on.

I am reluctant to use clomid again as I have one month left but if it doesn't work when i take it i will be devastated. We had a chat over xmas as we were going to take it in the spring but decided now not too. various reasons for our decision at the moment, If at any point in the future another baby happens then great but in the meantime I just want to enjoy my two. I know i will be broody when they go to school and the feelings that I will miss them are already starting - what will i do, my groups will stop etc but I can't have another baby for that. clomid carries the risk of multiples and i wouldn't be able to do my job, house not big enough - normal worries for anyone. so we'll leave it this year, loose some weight and see what happens, maybe in a year we will want to take clomid again - who knows? I am lucky that i started this journey young and am only just 28 now so time yet. I have just been confirmed with polycystic ovaries and the dr says conception is not impossible naturally.

wanting to have more children is natural no matter how you have to have them

good luck in whatever your decision x x


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## Betty M (Dec 6, 2005)

Hi Suzy

Just sent you a PM and now have seen this. You know what follows already but I figure it might help someone else also in this same boat. 

In my own version of this story which as you know is pretty similar to yours we are taking very much the same approach - no contraception, as much bms as dh fancies and well hopefully we get lucky again.  And definitely no more IVF. I never really wanted 3 before but boy do I feel cheated now it has been snatched from me. It wouldnt be easy from a family dynamics point of view but it is not something I want to stop happening even if chances are slim. 

Personally I have taken comfort from something I read on the Miscarriage Association website which was that statistically even after 3 miscarriages a woman in her 40s is more likely to have a healthy pregnancy than miscarry again. 

Sorry to hear about the PND too.

With love
Bettyx


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## CJ (Aug 24, 2003)

Hi Suzy, just really wanted to pop on here and say hello, I haven't seen a post from you in such a long time, I'm so sorry to read of your loss  

I think you may have known that we tried again with ICSI last yr in feb and were so fortunate to have a beautiful baby boy on Nov 07. We knew when the boys were only 3mths that we would love another and would try ICSI again but it was to be our last go mainly for financial reasons (we just thank god it worked) 
I'm not sure if this broody feeling ever goes away (really hoped it would happen after Ivo arrived but but doesn't seem to have)
I know I have 3 but I do come on here nearly everyday if I can and it's a good reminder of how much we had to go through to get them (although not as much as some) and how ever tired I am or grumpy I get (when I've had a rough day) that there is a world of people out there who are still trying to get their dream.
Having IF for us has meant it's taken thousands of pounds and yrs of trying , hoping wondering waiting etc until we finally got our dream and had our boys, it's also meant we have realized how precious it is to have a child/ren, but what IF hasn't done is taken away the desire to have a family how ever large or small that may be for each of us. On here it's hard to write that you would like another when you have 1 or more because you know others will read it who may not have even one child yet and may feel upset but if you were talking to your friends outside the IF community they wouldn't think anything of trying for a 3rd or even 4th.

I really hope your lucky and get a healthy naturally pg and extend your family .

CJ x


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## Hun (Jul 14, 2003)

Hello Suzy

I'm so sorry that your baby couldn't stay with you. You must have had a rollercoaster of emotions to deal with, and I am sure that continues for a while after any loss, so don't be too hard on yourself about needing to 'sort out' how you feel.

I can echo the thoughts of most of the ladies who have replied here, in that I know I will be broody all of my natural baby making (or not as the case may be ) life. I think you have to accept that the longing maybe never goes away, and that for particularly maternal people, the hope of another baby is something that is never lost whilst physically possible. Even when its not physically possible, I know a clutch of 50 something women who eagerly wait the arrival of grandchildren and godchlidren with almost as much keeness as if the babies were there own.

I think also, if you have been through IVF, and especially multiple cycles to achieve your children, you have had to make baby making the focus of your life, because of all the emotional physical and financial drain that it takes to do it.  You are forced to take control of a situation, because if you don't you may never have children. So it then becomes hard to let go of it, or maybe reduce its importance as one of your life goals, becuase you have worked so hard in the past to control it?

I can identify these feelings in myself, I have always wanted a large family, and whilst I only have one child atm and one on the way, we have 6 frozen blasts. However I also have a dh in his 60's who does full time child care, whilst i work. If we are blessed with 2 healthy children I know he'll be happy to stop right there, and I know I'll continue want to have another child, until those frozen hopes are gone. So whilst I cannot know how you feel right now, I find it easy to imagine how things might feel for me in the future.

If you have decided no more IVF I am sure your DH will respect that. One of my reasons for moving away from this board I was beginning to feel that other areas of my life were suffering, and I wanted to maintain some degree of perspective on when we should stop trying, and enjoy what we are already blessed with. 

You have concieved naturally twice (?) so there is every reason to hope that another baby does lie in your future, and I pray that you achieve your hopes and dreams - if it is meant to be it will be, and if it isn't that you can find joy and peace in every day with your boys.

Love Hun xx


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## bunless (Mar 2, 2005)

I completely understand  

Wanting another child/more children is a feeling that will never go away for me, I'm at the point of accepting that I'll just have to live with that. Dh & I planned a big family - we won't get that, I would love to have a stress free, happy pregnancy - I'm not going to get that either. We won't have any more treatment - financially it is a non starter & we both have unresolved issues about the fate of the embryos we created. I was very, very, very ill after the last miscarriage & dh doesn't ever want to be in the position of watching me haemorrhage again so really any pregnancy is out. 

I still feel angry sometimes that infertility as robbed us of the 'normal' but most of the time I feel so amazingly, fantastically lucky - we've struck gold, two wonderful, healthy children - & so grateful to be where we are that I don't think about it. I know that my relationship with my husband and the way I parent my children is better because of all we've been through.

Still sucks though


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## suzy (Oct 12, 2003)

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to my post - you are all so supportive and caring and sharing a problem and feelings helps so much. I'm feeling a lot better now, still no nearer to making a decision about ttc. We'll probably grumble on for a while not using contraception and see what happens and nothing will......but I do have an appointment on Tuesday with my IVF doctor about trying for number 3. Its more for DH though - I want him to say that my chance of success with IVF at 41 are similar to what they are ttc naturally. 

In the meantime, I am really enjoying my two gorgeous boys. I feel like the luckiest woman alive,

Love,

Suzy


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## yfinlayson (Dec 15, 2004)

Hi Suzy, 

Good luck at the fertility clinic.    We would also like a large family, however my wee boy has an ICSI related condition and my wee girl had IUGR which is from the multiple birth.  Their conditions are minor but we wouldn't do ICSI again, due to that, but also we dont have the £23K the twins cost us!      I always wanted a large family too, but I think its important to distinguish between wanting more children and wanting more biological children.  They are not one and the same, and for us adoption is the route we will pursue as we want a large family, and adoption feels like giving something back. If successful that would give us the large family we want, but it isn't for everyone.  Is it a route you have considered?  When I was ttc no 1 I used to want to slap people who suggested it, however now we have the twins my views have changed.

Yvonne x


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## Mae1 (Sep 11, 2004)

I have just read your posts and have to echo all of your thoughts.

There isn't a day that goes by without me feeling soooo grateful for the two beautiful children I have but at the same time it doesnt stop the yearning I have for more. Children bring tears to my eyes,they are so magical. Their innocence and unconditional love is so heart warming. Why should we, on the IF rollercoaster have to cut our dreams short? I too, feel bad for saying i want more. It makes me feel as if Im ungrateful. If one more person, including my mum, says to me "Just be grateful for what you have and get on", Ill scream  

I was diagnosed with epilepsy during my last pregnancy and was very ill indeed. I know I run the risk of illness again if I get pregnant again but I still so want to take the risk. Having another baby is my dream. Ive always wanted a big family. I love children. Why should we be looked down on for it. 

Noone else can share our pain and heartbreak we feel through this torturous journey. 

For the lucky population who fall pg effortlessly and carry their babies with ease, they should at least not judge us. We should be allowed the same choices in life, however hard it is for us to reach them.

Yvonne - I have thought often about the adoption route and definately haven't ruled it out for us

SUzy - Good luck. 

Bunless - I can empathise with you when it feels like you cannot risk another pregnancy due to ill health. Its the scariest thing in the world. x

Sending you all love and hope for your journey.

Mae.x


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## Snorkmaiden (Mar 22, 2005)

I can relate to what you say Suzy, although my situation is different.

This is a good point:


> if a couple with IF want 5 children, I think its wrong to think of them as greedy, if you wouldn't feel that about a fertile couple.


 Thank you for that. We have twins and are overjoyed that we were so lucky. We would also like to have at least one more but we feel very guilty about it. We've just booked in for another ICSI cycle later in the year and I feel embarrassed about telling our family and friends.

We have sort of decided to stop ttc when our twins are in full time education cos we want to enjoy them growing up and not spend all our time worrying about potential future babies.

Only you can decide whether trying for a third is right for you and I fully understand your anxiety and apprehension about the health risks for the baby. We can't switch off our emotions and maternal instincts are overpowering. It's a tough call adn I wish you all the best with your decision.

All the best,

Janine


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