# Will it always be this bad???



## Joanne R (Feb 5, 2006)

Hi everyone

I'm so sorry but I just feel like I need a bit of a rant.  

I found out today from a colleague that another colleague of mine is pregnant.  The colleague told me as she assumed that I knew as I am quite a close friend of the pregnant colleague (are you keeping up so far . . .?).

I have to explain at this point that I have been off work since January with severe depression and anxiety so have mostly been keeping in contact with people via phone and e-mail.  It turns out that my friend is about 4 months pregnant and everyone has known for a while.

I understand that she must feel really akward about telling me that she is pregnant but she had several years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant a few years ago so in theory should be a better position than most to understand.  I think I just feel betrayed and really disappointed that someone who I thought was a really good friend couldn't bring herself to tell me that she's pregnant.  Of course finding out she's pregnant (or anyone else for that matter) is going to hurt but this hurts even more.

I feel really stupid for feeling like this.  I guess I'm still so raw because its only been 2 weeks since my final treatment failed.  Am I just being hyper sensitive?

I just keep thinking that a simple text or an e-mail would have sufficed especially as she knows I'm in regular contact with people at work so someone was going to talk about it assuming I already knew.

The worst thing is I have arranged to meet up with some people from work for lunch later this week and my newly pregnant friend will be there.  Its hard enough that this will be the first time I have been near work since January and also the first time I have to face talking to people other than my DH about the treatment not working and trying hard not to cry (haven't quite managed this one yet so far  ).

Am I always going to be the person everyone avoids and is it always going to hurt this much?

I'm so sorry for this very selfish rant.  I just felt I had to let it all out.

Joanne x


----------



## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

You're not selfish at all, Joanne - not one bit of it.

The sad fact is that your friend should have told you. She knows that, but couldn't find the words, I'm guessing, but that's no excuse.

You will recover, but it will take time. You have to believe in your own spirit and its ability to bounce back.

There will always be moments where it hurts like a punch to the stomach, of course there will, but what's worse is what you're going through now, this never-ending grind of feeling low, low, low and wondering if you'll ever feel like yourself again. I had a period of ten months like that last year, and I never thought I would recover.

I apologise for posting here, as I'm not at the end of the road yet, but I am pulled here quite a lot, as I feel it's only a matter of time. But I wanted to respond to say that the crushing depression bit does lift, and you do start to realign your perspectives.

The wonderful ladies on here will help you through this. Are you having counselling from someone decent, too?

Don't beat yourself up - the core you won't change, and you'll remember who that is when the fog lifts. You've just had the blow to end all blows, added to the emotional and physical battering of tx. 

xxxxx


----------



## MrsPoogs (Nov 7, 2006)

Hi Joanne

What you are feeling is so normal and I have had it happen to me a few times and twice by the same friend who is my oldest friend believe it or not!!!  I too, have been told when friends are 17 weeks and found it hard to get my head around why they would wait so long and how they actually didn't know what to say other than that they were pregnant. I know it must hard for friends to tell us they are pg when we are still struggling, and also having treatment and then also struggling with the emotions of it all but I still can't understand why people can't just call and say it straight but I guess we are all different and we all act differently (that's what my DH keeps trying to tell me!).  I am sorry to hear that your tx failed recently.

It must be hard for you to have been off work since Jan but at least some of your friends have kept in touch with you and I think that says alot about them being good friends.  I think that you should go to the lunch especially to see the friends you have kept in touch with you. I am sure the friend who is pg will feel guilty for the fact that she didn't just tell you.  Good luck and I hope the lunch goes well for you. 

Poogie xx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Joanne  

I've been on the receiving end of friends like this no end of times. As for why they do it, who knows? Probably like the other ladies have already said, because they feel awkward and they know their news has the potential to upset us on some level. You'd think that those who know us well enough know how we are going to feel discovering about their pregnancy through someone else though?

But like you said, the not knowing and feeling excluded from what must be a milestone event in your friends life only adds to the crushing isolation many of us feel whilst going through infertility. Its not fair how it impacts on every aspect of our lives. The feelings that you have do get more manageable as time goes on, but all of what you have been through is a lot of grief to work through and something that you will learn to live with in your own way one day. Let the grief flow hon, as painful as it is, it needs to be released, this is the only way you will ever reach that point in the future where you can look back on now and feel a bit more healed from all you have endured. Grieving takes as long as it takes, so don't be thinking you should be 'over this' now - you've been through a lot.

If you think Friday is going to be too much of a wrench for you hon you can always decline the invitation you know, but perhaps it might do you good to go along and see everyone. I should imagine it must seem quite daunting for you - but as its already been said its good that your colleagues have kept in touch with you, they must care about you and miss you hon. Its your call, you know your colleagues, and only you can gauge how you are feeling right now.

Don't apologise for your posting, its not at all selfish, hells bells just looking at your signature and what you have been through is more than any one person should have to go through. We're here for you if you need to vent, chat, sound off or cry about things - we aren't afraid of tears here.

Sending you a very gentle hug and welcoming you to this space

With love
Emcee x


----------



## Joanne R (Feb 5, 2006)

Thank you all so much for your lovely words of advice and support.  It means so much to know that what I am feeling is "normal" and that I'm not turning into a bitter and twisted person that no one will want to know any more  

It is so helpful being able to come here and just say how I feel and know that I won't be judged or made to feel inadequate.

There are some very wonderful people out there.  

Joanne x


----------



## Shazzybabes (Jan 23, 2006)

Hi

I haven't been on this site for a while - didn't really want to admit that I will never have my own child. I am 42 and my husband and I started trying for a family 6 years ago. I had several minor ops during that time including removal of small cysts on my ovaries and en dometriosis. Then my consultant advised my husband to go for some tests. Turns out he has no vas deferens. No tubes for the sperm to get out as he carries the cystic fibrosis gene although he doesn't actually have CF.

After the initial shock, my periods went to rack and ruin. I put it down to the trauma. But now nearly two years on, I have not had a period since February this year and have now been diagnosed with the menopause. So I now feel absolutely crap and came empathise with your feelings Joanne re will it always be this bad. I have had the shock, the denial and am now in the deep depression mode.

However I didn't take time off work when maybe I should have, believing i needed some continuity in my life admist all the upset. Unfortunately my commitment and dedication were not recognised which has made my self confidence hit rock bottom as I realise all the times when I sat in the office bursting into times has made me very vulnerable.

There must be something more to life than just children. i keep trying to tell myself that. At the moment I am looking into Buddhism and considering referral to a psychological coach who can help me with my feelings.

This is all part of the natural process I suppose and it is a form of bereavement. Although we may have to give up our idea of having our own children, we cant give up the idea of one day having a happy life without them.

And we should not beat ourselves up for feeling miserable one day, and a little better the next, its enough to deal with the emotion itself let alone heap loads of guilt on top for feeling it.

I have 4 godchildren to dote over and I keep telling myself how lucky we are to have special relationships with all of them. It isn't the same, as having our own. When they come to stay, I don't want them to go home. But maybe there is something else out there for all of us just as special as having children that we will help us learn to accept our lot. The hurt will never completely go away, it if did we wouldn't be human. 

I will let you know how I get on with the psychologist.

I've just eaten some chocolate and feel a lot better now!!!!!Mm the power of the cocoa bean!!!




Shazzybabes


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Joanne, so sorry you have been hurt by your friend. And so sorry to read your troubled journey that has led you to this board. In a way I wish none of us were here - but you will find support here. As for your friends - people just don't know what to say and so say nothing. It is the same with all kinds of grief. When I lost Grace I was sure that people I knew were crossing the street to avoid me (!) And they also give a wide berth to deprssion - maybe they think it's catching (!) I am going through depression too - and know what a struggle it is day to day. Meeting up with your colleagues will be a major breakthrough for you, if you can manage it. And it is so annoying that your preggo friend will make it all the more difficult. You know what, I wouldn't blame you for cancelling! I think that's what I'd do. Maybe you should speak/meet with your friend on her own first. You may find she is desperately sorry you found out that way. I want you to know that I sooo understand that mixed feeling you have when a friend who has had problems finally gets pregnant and you don't. It is THE PITS!! Life is so horrible and unfair.  In time you will find a way through this depression (or so I'm told - I'm still looking for a way forward!) There will be better times, I promise.
Bernie xxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Shazzybabes, and welcome to the board.

I find you all so inspiring here - through the heartache that Joanne is ploughing through, by sharing her story it has empowered you to share your story with us. As hard as it must have been for you to write those words here you can bet your bottom dollar someone, somewhere will be reading and what you have written will resonate with them too.

I feel very humbled by you all out there this evening, and once again although I'm saddened for every one of us who has been through the heartache of not being able to have a family of their own, or who has had setbacks along the way, I am also in deep admiration. I understand how hard it is to make that first post here - yet by doing so you are all helping others to draw their own conclusions about their own circumstances.

I hope that your meeting with the psychologist is beneficial to you. I'm a firm believer in each of us doing what is right for us on this uncertain and painful path, good for you for taking some steps towards healing. Please let us know how you are doing. And you are very naughty mentioning chocolate! LOL! I've been dieting for what feels like forever!   

Love to all

Emcee x


----------

