# new to this, exploring options



## hebcat (Aug 22, 2008)

I'm 35, single and just in the process of deciding to go it alone.  I've been thinking of the known donor route, I have a few friends in mind but I've not reached the stage of starting to ask any of them yet.  I'm aware of some of the legal difficulties around known donors, but the discussion here seems to be very negative about it.  I had imagined a process of self insemination in the privacy of my own home, and all the talk here of different clinics (and costs!) is quite alarming.  

I don't want to go into this without my eyes fully open.  I've spent the last few weeks feeling excited about having made this decision, freeing myself up from the constant worries about finding a partner in time.  Now reading people's experiences I feel quite depressed about it.  Is it really all bad news?


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hi Hebcat and welcome.

Didn't want to read and run, but just a quickie as just in from long day at work.

I never really considered the know donor route to be honest but I know plenty of ppl on here that have done and I'm sure they will be along soon and let you know of their experiences. If you pop onto the Gay and Lesbian thread I think there will be more information. 

you will get lots of help and advice on here. Congrats on making the decision to go it alone - i'm sure you won't regret it.

Roo x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi hebcat,
All the best with your journey.  I was going to go down the known donor route, but had second thoughts at the last minute, think its a very personal thing and the donor has to be right for you.  JJ's donor sounds perfect!  
I've imported my sperm from Denmark, which suited my situation.  Think each of us is slightly different so what's right for one might not be right for another.  I know if I was going to go down the known donor route, I was still going to do the IUI with the clinic and not at home, again purely my personal preference due to past medical problems.
Good luck and welcome to us singlies!!  
R x x x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Hebcat

Welcome! Like the others have said, everyone has different stories and preferences so its really about what you feel is right for you.  I'm also pursuing the home insemination route with a known donor who is a friend of a friend. I basically sent out an email to friends to ask them if they knew anyone who might consider it, but it felt weird as none of my close friends were able to do it...its a big ask and you have to take into account how it changes your relationship with that person, however - I think I am onto a good situation with the person I have found.

For me, I have constantly swung between the clinic route and known route, both seem to have pro's and con's.  The big things that I have had to get my head around are firstly getting used to the idea that my family is going to be created without a Dad. I do feel very guilty about this at times, knowing that I am creating a child without a dad, although they will be having some contact with the donor. Secondly, worrying about what happens if the donor doesn't want any involvement when the child is born, or more scary that they want more than we've talked about and they go for joint custody or something (I feel much calmer about this now but it did cross my mind).  Thirdly, worrying that for some reason I won't love the baby as it hasn't been born out of a loving relationship (again got over this one too!) but it has been an important process grieving what might have been  - I recently came out of a relationship so was having to deal with this too.  I found it really useful reading some books which give people's personal stories as well as pro's and con's of all the different situations. Ultimately you need to be happy with what decision you make and able to discuss it with your child.  The Donor Conception Network is worth checking out.

Once you've decided to get going there are all the practical things to think about, I found it reassuring to have myself checked out and hormone levels done so that I know in principle all is ok.  Then the donor needs to be checked out too, and I think its advisable to do a sperm test to check they are fertile too!  I'm just at the stage of thinking about the practicalities of home insemination, plus getting my head around the fact that its only about 15% successful each cycle so I will probably have a few months of this.  And could end up at a clinic further down the road if it doesn't work at home!

Feel free to PM me if you want any more info, although there are others much further down the road with known donors and the gay and lesbian thread will be a very good place to ask more questions.
Good luck with it all.
xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi hebcat, just wanted to welcome you to the singles thread and to wish you luck in which ever route you decide to follow  

Lou-Ann x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Just to add my welcome to the others....

As Jenny said, we're all ultimately aiming for the same goal here, we just reach it by different paths - there is no right or wrong, everyone is different and we all do what is best for us and our future children. I did consider known donor option but after much consideration decided I just didn't have anyone I could ask to be a donor and for me the clinic option seemed the best path.

The meet up is 13th Sept in Stratford upon Avon and you would be very welcome - let us know if you're interested

And all the very best of luck with whichever way you decide to go...
Laura
x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hi Hebcat  

Welcome to FF.

I just wonder why you say it all sounds so depressing? Was it anything in particular?

Love

Emma x


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## hebcat (Aug 22, 2008)

Thanks everyone for your supportive responses.  I've been getting my head around what it will be like to be a single mother, so as to go into that with my eyes open to how hard it may be (my friends think i'm mad), I hadn't really begun to think about the reality of the process of getting there.  Reading all the stories about clinics and procedures and the heartache that goes with each stage has brought it home to me what a difficult journey it is to embark on.  And to be honest it's brought back the sense of grief about not being able to do it the "normal" way, and I thought I'd dealt with that already.  

So it's great to find that there are others out there going through similar things and who are further on with it than me, but I think I found the reality a bit difficult to face, and that's why I said it was depressing.


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Hebcat

I see what you mean  . Yes, the boards do bring home the reality of it all  . Unfortunately it can be a very difficult journey. I think all we can do is keep the end goal in sight and have a good rant occasionally  . The Babies and Bumps thread is always a good motivator.

I think we can probably all understand the hard part of letting go of doing things the 'normal' way. Its certainly a big part of the journey and a part that certaintly I have never fully come to terms with and I don't think I'm alone in that  . It just seems we reach a stage where the urge to be a mother overcomes that and we press on regardless. 

Its a great idea that you're here reading and exploring your options, whilst you're going through that. 

Love

Emma x


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## Gaby (Aug 8, 2008)

Hi hebcat,

I really understand your concerns, I've given a lot of thought to the question as well, and it's practically impossible to know what's best in advance, because it will depend on how your child reacts to the unknown dad or the known dad that matters most in the end, and also, if it is a known donor, on how the relationship develops once you have the child. I personally decided to use a unknown donor simply because I do not know anyone who is in a position to donate and whom I would trust enough to stick to the deal and to manage the potential relationship with the child in a mature and selfless manner, but I still think if I had found that person I would have opted for the known donor. Having said that, I also read a lot and found out that children do not necessarily feel reassured by a figure who is and is not dad at the same time, and it may be easier for them to cope with the idea of the donor about whom they can find out later. I found reading Mikki Morrisette's book 'Choosing Single Motherhood: the thinking woman's guide' was very useful, it was informative and balanced and helped me to see more clearly the different sides of each option.
I'm personally feeling very happy with my decision to be a single mother, and found discussing with friends about the options and taking time to think about them has helped me feel more confident about what I'm doing and that whichever way I go what will matter is what kind of relationship I build with the child and what kind of environment I create for him or her to grow in.
All the best,
Take care,
Gaby


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Hi

Just to say hello and agree with the last post that Mikki Morrisette's book was my first port of call after I had made my decision to go it alone.  It was very helpfull, so much so that I went on her website to thank her personally and she replied and wished me luck.  There are also a few other books that I read but that was the best by far.

The meet on 13th September is well worth going to as well.  It was my first last time we met up and I must admit I was very scared about going, but was made to feel very welcome and felt at home once I was there.  There are ladies there at all different stages, from thinkers to ones with their dream already in place.

Happy thinking

Chowy


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I am using a known donor, we naively started off at home doing insems 3 years+ ago, but switched to a clinic after not getting pregnant (still with my known donor) and then problem after problem was discovered, but I have stayed with my donor as the reasons I chose him as my partner in this still stand.  I have found it very supportive to have my donor and his partner with me through thick and thin on this journey including travelling abroad with me, going to clinic appts, EC/ET, doing my injections and blood tests for me, looking after me in the 2ww - I wouldn't swap my situation at all (well I would swap my medical compliacations!!), and if/when I get pregnant again my child will know his Dad and have grandparents and a wider family to love him. I am now waiting on donor eggs in Spain so if I do get pregnant my known donor will be the child's only genetic link that s/he knows about.

To be honest I found the home insems much more stressful and I felt in control and responsible whereas at the clinic it is very much they are in control and we are a partnership.

L x


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