# Just starting out



## Jane D (Apr 16, 2007)

Hello

I am contemplating the future use of donor eggs as I have high FSH.  Have not had donor egg speech yet (just had failed IUI) but me and DH would like to consider this option.

I have been honest with my parents and unfortunately they have taken it badly. My mum is giving her opinions and I think she should remain quiet.  She has now started saying "What if i rejected the baby as it is not biologically yours?".  I do not agree, if a baby develops inside you, it is your baby.  She also said what if the child had problems, would you blame the donor?

Any one got any experience of this and how to speak to parents?
I wish I had just kept quiet to be honese, but I want to be open about possible DE IVF if it comes to it.

many thanks

Jane


----------



## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

Hi Jane

When I told my mother I would perhaps take this route it seemed to go straight over her head and she really didn't seem to understand.  But if I lay all the facts down I am sure she may have said similar things as your own mother.  She is probably worried and concerned that you may do something you regret.  I think some of her questions are probably the same as the ones we would ask ourselves, but I am sure they would love their grandchildren unconditionally when they came along because for now they are just abstracts. 

I have read on here that when women give birth to their child they wonder if they would love them the same way as they would the ones they had that were not donor and of course they do love them the same.  I haven't had children so if I go down the donor route I have nothing to compare.  I have read on a site of a woman that gave birth to a downs DE conceived child and was still overjoyed.  You can never guarantee the health of any child whether that is genetically yours or not.  And of course we have more risk of chromosome problems with our aged eggs.

It is good you are being open with your mother but perhaps you should let her know that most are not born with problems and perhaps give her some testomonies to read of women who have conceived DE children. good luck.xx


----------



## Mitchie (May 15, 2007)

Hi Jane,
I was worried what my parents might say, but they were unconditionally supportive. They said they just wanted me to be a Mummy. I'm sorry that doesnt help much, but i agree with everything that bottleofwater says, especially that your Mum is voicing what a lot of us going thru DE actually worry about sometimes.
Good luck,
Mitchie xxxx


----------



## SONGAZ (Feb 20, 2008)

HI, I have just joined this site after 10 yrs of trying for a family and need other peps to talk too and read your message .Ill tell you about mine and my husbands journey. We have been through 3 lots of iui, then 2 goes of ivi privately due to waiting list. We then changed hospitals because we did not feel comfortable with them. At our new hospital they did a laparoscopy and see i had emdometriosis and operated straight away. We were then told i was infertile due to this. We were told to go for egg donor for best result. What made it worse is i have 4 sisters that all have children i always think why me!.  We have just had our first consultation in spain as they have no waiting list. That went well and we start next month. As for families We have been up front since the beginning and they are very supportive  dont know if they agree but they know every move we do in our treatment.  If you are going to carry the embryo its going to have your blood running through it so its a big part of you ,so dont let anyone say any different to you and go for it. If it our only hope of a family together. Feel for big time you need everyone around you to be there for you both but im sure your mum will come round to the idea. Perhaps you should read her some information on how you will play a big part of the embryo. Good luck hope all works out GOOD.XXX


----------



## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Sorry to barge but the embryo does not have your blood running through it sadly.  Your blood and the babies do not mix.  However, your body nourishes that baby of course.  

I am sure your family will come round once your babies are here and they can see how naturally you will love them - and you will undoubtedly.  However, you cannot get away from the fact that you are losing the chance to use your own genetic material and I would advise that you are counselled as much as possible and really grieve as much as you can this loss as you move forward.

I am a mum to boy/girl twins conceived via donor embryo last year at the age of 46.  I cannot love these children more than I do, but I am aware every day that they are not my genetic children.  That doesn't detract from our relationship but makes me determined to be honest with them and my family so we love them honestly and show them how lucky we are to have them, but to also hopefully address their background so there is never a time when they were not aware of how they came to be.

Best of luck,

Daisy
x


----------



## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

Hello Jane

I think I may be the person that Bottleofwater was referring to, as I have a lovely baby conceived by DE who has Downs.  

Although most of our relations were 100% supportive, we did get some adverse reactions from some family members.  I think some of them felt that having a baby with someone else's egg is a bit freaky, and in a way it is, but we have got used to the idea.  It made me realise how little the general population knows about IVF etc if they have not had fertility problems themselves.  I think you need to give them time to get used to the idea.  In our case, our friends and family had followed our previous IUI/IVF attempts and when the doctors said DE was our best way forward, they had to accept that.

Having said that, we were in a different position from most DE couples because I was fortunate to have a younger sister who was willing to be my donor, so Lizzie is still genetically my parents' grandchild.  I do also know someone who had DE children 10 years ago by an anonymous donor.  I believe she did have a bit of difficulty bonding at first, but as time went on, they got used to each other and now they are as close as anything.  I think people also forget that even without the DE issue, some people take time to bond with their babies.

I agree that it may help your parents to hear about other people's experience of DE - you are welcome to tell them about my story if you think it will help.

All the best 
Essex Girl x


----------



## Loui123 (Sep 11, 2007)

Hello,

I wanted to add something to the discussion. I'm sorry that your mum cannot face up to the fact that she is not going to have a biological grandchild. But she is going to have a grandchild that speaks like you, has the same facial characteristics as you, say's the same things as you, and dresses like you. This is because your baby will copy all your characteristics! Therefore, your mother will have a grandchild that is just like her!!!

Like you, I am facing the prospect of DE's. My mum and dad have been wonderful about it (they just want me to be a mummy), and in fact, funded our 2nd ICSI themselves and are going to fund our first Donor Egg IVF too. We haven't told any of DH's family just yet, because it is a personal issue to me, so perhaps they don't even need to know. However, we are a close family and so as we will as we get nearer to DE's.

Anyway, the reason I write is because although I have only just read that an embryo doesn't share my blood (and that means my own biological child doesn't too) someone wrote to me on another post that the biological mother determines how characteristics are either turned on or off. I can't really explain it properly, but it is all down to chromosones, and how the birth mother naturally allows some characteristics to be supressed and other to be turned on. Basically, if the biological mother had the same embryo in her uterus as the birth mother, then that embryo will develop into a very different child than the one developed inside the birth mother.

I hope this helps - and please stay in touch - we are all here to support you 

Loui xxx


----------



## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Nothing can change the fact that a DE child is not yours geneticallly, so trying to dress this up with epigenetics and frankly rubbish about facial characteristics seems to be frankly a denial of what you are doing.

The child will not look like you nor will he/she suddenly acquire your facial characteristics.  Sure, they will pick up all kinds of inherited traits but as a mother of DE twins, I think about the fact that they are not genetically mine all the time.  Not in a negative way but as part of them.  I feel really worried when people contemplating DE are already trying to sugar the pill with this kind of stuff.  I don't think it is realistic but smacks to me of someone who has NOT come to terms with DE.

Daisy
x


----------



## Loui123 (Sep 11, 2007)

Daisy - I have to disagree with you . You have made me really angry with your remarks. It is neither your right to criticise nor your place to speak to others without so much as a thought about how your words will affect them. I am a positive, educated lady who is not trying to 'dress up' my thought processes. Frankly, I already have come to terms with my own position and welcome the opportunity for educated debate, but not a direct, and I fear, vindictive attack. You are the first person on this forum who has ever made me feel this way .

A child does take on the primary carers facial characteristics. Who else is she or he going to copy when they learn that smiling is a good thing, when they start copying sounds as they watch how the primary carer moves their lips to communicate with them. How is it that adopted children sound like their adoptive parents and act like them too if it is not through careful nuture? It certainly can't be nature.

I hope that you wrote your post because you thought it would help me. I am not in denial, as you so rudely put it, I just have a positive outlook. I would give anything to be in the position to be a mummy, but I certainly would never resort to using abusive and emotive name-calling ('dress this up' and 'in denial') to a person I do no know on a forum such as this. 

Loui

Loui xxx


----------



## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Loui,

I haven't got time for a full response right now but will respond more comprehensively to your post a bit later.  

Daisy
x


----------



## Hun (Jul 14, 2003)

I am a little concerned by this thread which is meant to be about support, not attacks on individual posters.

Coming to terms with DE is a journey, some people choose to step off that journey, whenever they are comfortable and whatever their perspective. There is NO right or wrong in my mind, just a spectrum of families who will deal with things in different ways.....the most important thing is that their children are wanted and loved.

Hun xx


----------



## Loui123 (Sep 11, 2007)

Hun - you are right - the most important thing in the whole IF journey is that the children are loved and wanted. I see from your profile that you have been through so much to get your little one and the one in your tummy. I wish you all the best luck in the world.... BTW if I don't get a BFP from Spain my best friend has offered me her eggs  - and we will be cycling together at BH too. I'm quite excited at the prospect, although I would rather have donor eggs from an anonymous donor who is paid to donate rather than ask my friend to go through IVF for me.

Good luck and I hope you get another bouncing baby,

Loui xxx


----------



## buster24 (Jul 11, 2005)

Daisy having read your reply i have to say i think no sorry know you are so so wrong, children do take on characteristics of the people who bring them up, i for one was brought up by my step father and people could not believe i was not his, i spoke like him and had all the same actions and gestions. my son who is now 21 has been brought up by my husband since he was 2, and they are so alike it is scary, so i don't think that Lou has not come to terms with it, i don't think anyone goes into donor tx lightly. i really cannot understand your answer at all, and actually think it is very patronising. it saddens me as this site is about care and support, not bringing ones feeling and thoughts down, we all have opinions but some we should keep to ourself's
no disrespect intended.
kim xxxxx


----------



## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi Kim (and Loui),

You have prompted me to answer as I have neglected to reply to my earlier post which I should have done before...

Kim, my point was not that the child will acquire mannerisms and all kinds of non-inherited characteristics from you - of course they will.  Nurture plays a huge part in a person's make-up undoubtedly.  I am sure my children will take on lots from me - how could they not?  I guess also that I really hope they do as coming to terms with the fact that they are not my genetic children is hard sometimes.

My point was that they are less likely to look like your genetic offspring because they are not from your genes.  I don't know how my children will develop as they are still young so I may be proved wrong.  Right now though they do not look like me in the way that I know my friends' children look like them or their partners - this is a permanent fact and this is what I was talking about.  My comment about sugaring the pill was really about this - why not embrace the fact that these children are not from our genes.  It was a comment bourne from observation that some people find reassurance during the DE process by homing in on these points - and I know this is totally understandable.

When I was contemplating DE and going through the many cycles it took to have a baby, I never sought reassurance about whether the child could or would look like me because I knew they could not.  I felt that that chapter was closed to me once I couldn't use my eggs and I just wanted a baby.

BUT maybe some of my harping on about this stems from my own hang-ups about DE.... the fact is (for me) that one still thinks about these things after the child is born - it doesn't disappear as one is constantly reminded that your child is not genetically related to you - especially if you are fully open with your children about their conception.  This does not mean I do not absolutely and completely love and adore my babies - I couldn't love them more - it is just that it is reality.

Look, this is a totally personal opinion.  I don't want to tread on eggshells around people in these difficult subjects but I also do not want to hurt people and for any offense caused I am really sorry.  I was forthright and I am really sorry if you felt I was patronising - that really was not my intention. 

Kim - I would say I take your point and your defence of Loui.

I would also like to say that there are plenty of robust and quite forceful discussions on this subject elsewhere on this board - generally I believe the people on ff can take it and have strong opinions of their own.  There is nothing to stop any of us expressing them....

Loui - I don't believe I did actually call you names?  I expressed a point of view which you disagreed with.  But I do agree that perhaps it was too personal and felt like an attack - I am sorry for this.

My main point was again, why does epigenetics matter? - does it ameliorate the fact that the child is not genetically related?  Maybe it does for many people.  

Same point ref. the grandmother unable to come to terms with non-bio child.  I am sure she will love that child for who he/she is NOT because she may or may not resemble her or her daughter don't you think?  I know my mum loves my children unconditionally - she doesn't care where they came from.  And how do you know what the child will be like anyway to be so sure of this yourself?

This is a really clumsy, rushed reply.  I feel really strongly about this subject as you can see and I know that you do to.  

Strangely though, after all this rant above, I can also say that when I look at my children I DO see myself.  Not physically but deep down inside me and them there is such a strong connection that they feel completely part of me  - it is lovely...

I wish you the very best of luck and success,

Daisy
x


----------



## watn1 (Mar 14, 2008)

Apologies for jumping on the thread, But i would like to say this forum is really good for Donor's also finding out whether doing a life changing thing like giving someone else the chance to have a child of their own is a good thing to do.

Whilst i understand the lady who is lucky enough to receive my donation may act totally different for someone else, i would not like to think of them "suger coating" anything.

From a donor's point of view i would love to think i have helped someone create somthing wonderful whether it looks like you or not! There are plently of natural born babies that look nothing like their birth mother. 

Whilst i totally understand that i would play no part in bringing up the child & i have simply helped in the making, But the fact remains i would have HELPED. 

I am rambling now but i guess what i am trying to say is; Things people post on this forum are very sensative to people both Donor's & people that use them. No two people are going to react the same to either part of the situation.

If a particular person has issue's then maybe they should be shared elsewhere in private, People have enough to consider without reading things that give them 100 other things to consider 

Regards


----------



## aemiliastar (May 4, 2007)

Wow - first strong debate on here.  Healthy debating is good but its far too emotive so I am not going to get into the whole donor issue politics (as I am sure my views would be very different to others on here and ) but just wanted to say a couple of things about this thread... 

Firstly,that the donor will always be an important part of anyone who is successful - its the greatest gift of all and of course you can never forget! however nuture is also paramount - my biological sister and I look absolutely nothing alike but our mannerisms are very similar.. the way we speak.. all the little things that bond us.  

Secondly, any child I am lucky enough to have will be half my DP's.  I have friends who look nothing like their children who are mini me's of their partners.  My DP is dark haired and dark eyes and when we went to Spain the doctor said - oh you could be spanish so I hope that the children will see this.  Also they try and match you up as closely as possible so we will look like a family unit I suppose.  I know this would be different if it was double donation but 50% would be ours and 50% an absolute gift with a huge mixture of nurture thrown in.

Not sure of my point but just adding it anyway.. 

xxx


----------



## buster24 (Jul 11, 2005)

daisy thankyou for taking the time to explain your post, good luck in the future
kim xxx


----------

