# How I decided to get started with surrogacy after years of IVF



## sazzasarah (Jun 29, 2010)

Someone asked me recently how I knew it was time to finish with IVF, and then what happened as I started to find out about surrogacy. As I replied to her, I thought that my experiences might be useful or interesting for anyone else who's in that tricky bit in between finishing IVF and getting started with surrogacy, and wants to find out what the first stages are like.

I know everyone has different experiences, so this one is just mine - I am sure everyone approaches this in different ways!  But this is my journey and reflections so far.  

We had our last m/c in June last year (2011). Then it took me about another 2 months after that to come to terms with the idea that I was finishing - I wasn't going to carry my own baby and whatever we did next, I am now a person who is never going to be pregnant and give birth.  That in itself was not a small thing to deal with and to be honest I coudln't have jumped straight in with surrogacy without a bit of time to reflect on this. 

This was something I totally wasn't expecting, so I share it with you in case anyone else feels the same - or in case anyone else is having any kind of unexpected reaction to finishing IVF!!  

Another thing I wasn't expecting was the relief - I felt so much better, on a deep level, once I knew I didn't have to do IVF and loads of immune treatments again. I felt that my body had become mine again.  So me and my lovely husband then entered a very weird autumn/ winter period last year.  After 5 years with our backs to the wall , as a couple together fighting to have a baby, we had now stopped (or at least 'stopped for a while' or 'stopped this section of the journey').  I felt alternatively euphoric and depressed. My husband and I seriously questioned whether we wanted to be together, what was the point of our marriage, we didn't get on well, and it was all super messy for six months.  I felt a bit like a 21 year old, just starting my life again, and a bit like an older person after the children leave home... I didn't know if this was the start of a new life, or the death of an old one. 

Me and DH and are now very happy and much stronger for the year we've had, but the trauma of stopping IVF came out of nowhere. I knew IVF was tough but I didn't know stopping it would be tough too. I know it's tempting after a failed cycle or m/c to want to jump to the next stage straight away, that's what I have always done.  But this time I couldn't.

Having said all this doom and gloom (!)  we decided in Jan 2012 that we were ready.  We joined Surrogacy UK and COTS and also looked into going abroad - looked at a place called Cyprus Surrogacy in particular, which claims to offer quicker matching. This was tempting because we didn't know if anyone would choose us, in the UK, and it was scary thinking that the process might take a long time.  We thought we'd try the UK based agencies for a year or so, and see what they were like and if we don't find someone who is able to help us,  move on to abroad later. That's still our game plan.  So, now it's about 7 months later.  

In this time we have relaxed into the process a lot more.  We are not in such a hurry. We've been to some SUK get togethers, we post on their message boards, and we've learned a bit about how surrogacy works and met a number of people who are surros and IPs (intended parents).  We have had information meetings with both COTS and SUK and done the various medical checks to get up to date.  It's been so helpful just meeting people and hearing their stories face to face. After all, when you are battling with infertility it's often something you do on your own. I had never before met a whole group of infertile people face to face, and when I did, at a conference, it was a great pleasure to share our war stories! 

The process takes a little bit of learning. I would say if you are just starting, the first step to understanding how surrogacy works is read everything on the SUK and COTS public boards, and get the hang of what you do.  Also you can go to an AGM or other meeting, SUK for example have them in spring or autumn, and that gives you a bit of insight too.

The two organisations are slightly different,  though we are members of both. Most people tend to say they prefer one or the other, but I would be willing to bet that plenty of intended parents have joined both.

SUK - all based on message boards and checking in with people and making friends.  We found this difficult to start on the one hand (what do you talk about with people you don't know, initially??) and extremely reassuring on the other (because people can always be friendly and supportive and we are making friends who will help us through it all). If a surro reads your profile, checks out your diary and posting you do, and maybe meets you at a social (or meets someone who's met you... so be nice to EVERYONE!!) then she can decide to 'get to know you'.  This period is a compulsory 3 months of getting to know one another, and then SUK help you do an agreement. You can find out all the logistical details about this on their site.

COTS: things are more focused on the one profile you write, they send it round, then if a surrogate likes the look of this, she contacts COTS who contacts you and says she'd like to start to get to know you. There isn't the compulsory 3 months wait, but I guess it will take a while to get to know someone anyway, so I would think anyone sensible would take their time getting to know the surrogate and her family and talking everything through.  With both organisations nobody's bound by anything in this early stage, you just are making friends and hopefully forming a bond.

The thing with both of these is there is no guarantee you will be chosen. But I think to be in with a good chance of meeting someone that you like, and who likes you, it's a good idea to be calm and stable and have 'got over' the IVF process. And that's why I'm glad we waited until it all felt a lot more calm and right.  Now, it's just a nice process of moving along and we hope things will work out for us soon.

Hope this might strike a chord with anyone, I'd love to hear your experiences too!

Sx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi SS, 

It's interesting to read your story and I wish you all the best and a quick match.
I'd second the advice about reading all you can on the websites. We've just joined COTS, as we prefer their approach, my dh is not the greatest socialite in the world and would probably struggle at the events SUK host. COTS are very friendly and helpful, we've just had our information meeting and that went very well. It was very interesting to talk to somebody who'd had her children via surrogacy. 
We've not done IVF, due to health issues and the cost involved in trying to get round the health issues, but I should imagine that you do need that gap, you do need to have closed the door on IVF and given yourself a little time to recover from it physically and in every other way. I've certainly found that I needed to get past the stage where I was still hoping against hope that pg. would happen naturally. 
Unfortunately, the health issues have raised their ugly heads yet again. COTS want a form signed by a GP to the effect that I am basically healthy and mine won't sign it. He says it's like signing a blank cheque. Has anyone else had this problem and how on earth do you get round it? I don't think there's any point in going to anyone else at the surgery as he is the senior partner and presumably if he won't sign, nobody will. (He wouldn't sign a form for an IVF clinic, when we were thinking of taking that route, and I don't think I'm quite at death's door!) I don't think he will sign it for my dh, either and he doesn't have any real health issues. Does anyone know a way round this?
If you do join one of the two UK surrogacy organisations, it's definitely worth spending time on their forums, by the way. There's a lot of experience on there and other people who are just at the start of the process. You stop feeling quite so alone. 

Rowanxx


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Hi

Really good to read your experience so far.

We haven't had IVF/ICSI as my DH has no sperm, we are both nearly 40 and have high BMI.  We are worried about starting the clinical route due to the risks although I have lost 3 stone this year already.  We would love to think that my eggs will be viable and I could conceive but we are thinking of using a host surrogate now.  Not sure if a clinic would offer me the treatment to collect my eggs (need to look into that). 

The hardest thing I find is making each little decision!

Good luck hun.

x


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## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

Hello Sazzasarah,

Thanks for sharing your experience.  How did you get aroung or work around your problems with dh... I am finding this bit hard.  Fertility tx and the goal to having a baby had become such a huge focus for such a long time and now that its come to an end I cant help think that it is affecting our relationship.  I want to make things better.  But it feels like we are drifted apart.  And I cant help feel like he would be better off without me ( eg he could have kids with someone else and be happier with someone that is not depressed and sad most of the time) and I am probably pushing him away subconsciously.

I just feel detached from him at the moment... not sure if it a reaction to all of the hurt and a self protection method I have subconsciously devised.  

E x


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Thanks for posting this!

I've been looking into surrogacy for a while after a messy Christmas/New Year/February.

We're having one go with IUI this month (it was supposed to be our last ICSI cycle but it was cancelled so we moved to IUI due to all the immunes tx I had done first) and will do ICSI next month.  If that doesn't work then it's game over for me and we'll move to surrogacy.  I have a couple of frosties so am hoping this will help with finding a surrogate.  In the meantime, I'm re-enrolling with university (starting in September) and am looking forward to getting control back of both my body and my life.

I've been thinking about surrogacy since January so it's certainly not a new concept and, if I'm honest (assuming this tx doesn't work), it will be a relief to know I can really focus on getting back to me without having to give up on the idea of having my own child.

I'll be bookmarking your thread anyway as I think it's really helpful to hear other people's stories/gain experience before diving into it.


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## sazzasarah (Jun 29, 2010)

Hey everyone, it's nice to see that others are in a similar position.  

Rowan - I never heard of the GP refusing to do the letter, I can't believe it! How frustrating for you.  I understood that the letter was more about saying that you couldn't carry your own children so that was why you were going for surrogacy - not certifying you to be in perfect health (none of us know whether we are in perfect health!)  Maybe you could ask the GP what wording he *would* be prepared to sign up to - and then COTS might be flexible??

eggtastic I'll PM you

MandyPandy, fingers crossed for this cycle. xxx

Hi Paula, I don't know whether a clinic would let you do surrogacy on the NHS (is that what you mean?)  Have you had your egg quality eggs checked out, with AMH and FSH levels etc? If they are OK then it sounds like you could go for it yourself with a sperm donor??  And well done for losing 3 stone that's amazing, good work!!!


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

rowan could you go to a private GP? Harley St have many  if it is a medical exam they need reported on
x


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## Chicalinda (Sep 20, 2011)

Hello all

I had a different experience because i knew from an early age i would have to gomthrough surrogacy because i was born with ovaries but a tiny womb (MRkH). A close relative agreed to be my surrogate and i now have two beautiful twin boys from our first attempt. However, we are desperate to have just one more child to complete pur family as me and my husband are both from large families. The relative we used first time is unable to help us again for medical reasons so we the. Decided to search for a surrogate. It was very daunting as having a relativ do this for you is very different to opening up and allowing a stranger to help you. We investigated COTS, SUrrogacy UK and Cyprus Surrogacy. We were so concerned that no one would help us because we already had children that we al ost chose Cyprus Surrogacy as they seemed to have more surrogates available and ones who also live in the UK. In fact, they said we could get matched very quickly. 

The agency fees and costs are a bit offputting but i thought it was the price to pay for finding a surrogate as it is illegal to advertise. Anyway, we were about to sign up when someone told me about a surrogacy ******** group which provides support and advice for surrogates and IPs. I thought i would join this as it seemed like a good idea to gain an insight into the surrogate world. Well, amazingly, after being quite chatty on the ** group i was approached  byt TWO surrogates who wanted to help me. I chose the one who lived closest to me and who i liked the most and we are spending time bonding before starting the process. She and her familynhave spent the weekend with us and we had such a greatbtime and we are both now verybexcited about starting our joirney together. I guess it is a little bit like Surrogacy UK in that you make friends and hope someone wants to help you. It happened verybquickly for me and i am so happy. It also showed me how many surrogates dont like being attached to agencies so there is another pool of surrogates out there who you wont find via an agency. Some of them are linked to cots and surrogacy uk though. In the group you can also see how they love the feeling of being pregnant and of helping other people. It really resotred my faith in humanity. 

So, the group has now switched to a secret status to protect the privacy of all the members but if you want to join and find out what it is all about please just send me your ******** name. I can then add you to the group. Due to the secret status you wont be able to find it even if you try searching for it but as i said it is reassuring as it means it is completely private.

Best wishes


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi everyone,

Sarah, COTS have explained that it's just an opinion, they're not trying to get the doctor to commit himself to saying I'll live to be 100 or anything equally daft. They suggest he talks to them but I can't see him doing that, either. I am getting so fed up that I'm ready to change surgeries, quite frankly. The doctors at this practice wouldn't sign anything for the clinic, either, when we were thinking of doing IVF. I'm wondering if they really think I'm at death's door but don't want to say anything!  
Grr! Why, oh why, is everything so blinking hard?! To make things even worse, I now seem to have high blood pressure. Is that so surprising, after all these years of grief and stress?  
I keep reading some of the parents' threads and _yearning!_ Will I ever have little ones that I have to toilet train or get ready to start school, I wonder? 
JJJ1, it might come down to that. I am getting fed up with asking this doctor for help, anyway. 
Chicalinda, I don't have a ******** name but my dh does. The only thing that worries me about trying to do it privately is you have no guarantees of it working out. OK, even with organisations like COTS, things can sometimes go wrong but there's more security, if you like. I'm really really pleased you've already clicked with a surrogate, though! Good for you! That's great news. 

Rowanxx


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## sazzasarah (Jun 29, 2010)

Rowan - just wanted to send a


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## ErIndoorz (Aug 25, 2012)

Hi to u all. 
I am new to this site so please forgive me for not understanding all the abbreviations and stuff yet!  

I have wanted to be a surrogate for the last 12 years. 
My 1st husband and I were trying to conceive for 7 years, he had a low sperm count and every month was like a kick in the stomach. It broke our marriage eventually. 
I went on to my next partner and fell pregnant immediately, my son is 13 in December. As soon as he was born I knew that I would definitely do it again but for someone who was in my previous position. 

That relationship broke up and I remarried. I'd mentioned being a surrogate right from the start of this relationship (together 10 years, married for 7) but only this year did he admit he was selfish to stop me. 
I joined COTS and I quit smoking (after 28 years!) 
I was sent some IP's and had to make the toughest decision of who to choose. I let my husband and son read them too as it's a joint decision, we decided on a couple. 
COTS contacted them but I got a message back saying they didn't want me as I was down on my paperwork as a smoker. Although they were told I'd given up, they still didn't want me. I was gutted.  
I reluctantly chose a 2nd couple, they'd said they were willing to travel anywhere in the UK. They were in Scotland, I'm in Essex. We spoke on the phone a couple of times, got on well, then out of the blue I got a text to say I was too far away!  
I was devastated! Like a rejection I've never felt before and would never want to again.  

Anyway, 3rd time lucky, I found a lovely couple.  
They're 3 hours from me but that's no problem for them. They've been here a few times now, my turn to go to them next. 
We've done our agreement meeting and are now just trying to find the right clinic to use. 
They changed from their clinic to my local clinic to make it easier for me but have been told we have to wait for a ethics committee meeting (not now due until December!) to see if this clinic will help us.
I'm very confused as they have their embryo's already and funding is arranged. 

Can anyone shed any light on this??

Good luck to you all on your journey's by the way! I look forward to following all your stories. 
Kelly x


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Thank you, Sarah!   We haven't worked out what to do, yet but a change of surgery is definitely on the cards.

Erindoorz, what you're doing is amazing! The IPs are so lucky to have found you and I wish you and them all the very best in your journey together. 
(Wonderful name, by the way  )

Rowanxx


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## ErIndoorz (Aug 25, 2012)

Thanks Rowan  

Good luck with your journey too! A change of GP definitely sounds like the best option! 

x


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## Chicalinda (Sep 20, 2011)

Hi Erindoorz

If you want to join a friendly support group forbsurrogates and ips and youare on ******** then send me your ** name and i can add you. So many people have matched up on the site and there are currently 21 babies due!! We all love watching other people's progress and there are COTS surrogates on there too. 

It is a secret group called surrogacy: im the stork not the mother but you wont be able to find it or join it unless a member adds you. As mentioned, i can add you if you like. 

Xxx


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## Chicalinda (Sep 20, 2011)

Rowan, if you did want to join thenfb group i memtioned there are surrogates with agencies like SUk amd CoTs on there too so you could make friends with them and then go via the agency if you preferred. Xx


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