# How do I reassure my husband that donating eggs to my sister is a good idea?



## lotsofchoc (Feb 27, 2008)

I've got through the first egg donor tests and the next step is counselling for me and my DH. I'm worried that if it doesn't go ok, I'll be told I'm not suitable, and bang goes my sister's hope of a family. 

My husband is worried that our 2 children will be unhappy if I have new nephews/nieces who feel they have a special relationship with me. He is also concerned about the health risks. And the idea that I would be the biological mother to someone else's children is difficult to come to terms with.

I sympathise with his concerns but I feel strongly that it is the right thing to do. My kids would love more cousins, and my sister would 100% be the mum not me, it wouldn't be my child at all. It is just an egg that disappears every month but could turn into a miracle.

Does anyone have any advice? What I really need is to get in touch with an egg donor's husband who was worried about it but is now really glad they went for it!

Any thoughts appreciated x


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

You could be my sister!! (you're not, are you?!?!  ) She has offered to donate eggs for me - and we nearly ended up down that route when we thought our last ICSI hadn't worked.

It is a tough decision and I can understand why your husband might be concerned. (and do you know what, I, embarrasingly, hadn't considered how my BIL might react - i had only considered me, dh and Sis.... that's awful!)

Now we have our own miracle, my view did change a little.  i am in the stages of needing to consider it now if i am to have any more babies, but it almost doesn't seem right now i have one that is genetically 'mine'.  If your children were concerned about your special relationship with them, would they not relish their own special relationship with any children born from your eggs?

I don't think you would have to give text book answers - after all, counselling is about coming to terms with these things and making sure you can get to grips with everything that is required.

is dh worried about his own relationship with these potential treatment?  That you will be related to them but he won't?

You obviously see it exactly as my sis does - and well done you for being so un-selfish as to offer such a special gift. 

Good luck on everything you decide.

Big hugs


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi lotsofchocs
It is a wonderful, unselfish wish to give your eggs to help your sister but it is not true that your eggs are simply cells you would flush down the toilet every month otherwise.  They are the carriers of your unique dna (some of which you will share with your sister) and you will be genetically connected in a stronger way than if you were simply any resulting children's aunt.  I think understanding and ackowledging this is an important part of adjusting to this situation.  That said, known donations between sisters can work very well indeed if ALL parties (including partners) are on board and comfortable with what is happening.
Use your counselling time well.  It is not about jumping through hoops but it is about using opportunities to face the realities of the situation and everyone's fears and feelings about it.  Only in that way can all the different parties work through their feelings and emerge the other side being clear about where they stand.  Pushing some peoples feelings under the carpet is unlikely to help in the long run.
Best of luck in all this.
Olivia


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## lotsofchoc (Feb 27, 2008)

Thanks very much for replying!

sallywags - no I'm not your sister lol ) Thanks for your lovely words and encouragement. You made me realise that me and dh haven't talked much about his relationship with any possible children, more about how I and our children would feel. I think he loves our small nuclear family and naturally is concerned about anything that might change it.

olivia - I've thought a lot about egg donation, and I strongly feel that pregnancy and birth and my blessing will be enough to make my sister the mum and not me. I liked the picture you painted of counselling, that it isn't some test we have to pass, but an opportunity to explore our feelings. But unfortunately this isn't a decision we can compromise on, and I REALLY want to help my sister! I don't want to ignore my dh's feelings, but I would like to show him that it can work out ok.

Does anyone have any happy stories of egg donation (with a marriage remaining intact ) they can share?


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

sallywags said:


> is dh worried about his own relationship with these potential treatment? That you will be related to them but he won't?


I've just re-read what i wrote here! I meant children, obviously, not treatment!!!

Good luck hun - i hope it all works out.


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

HI Lotsofchoc

What you describe is almost exactly what happened between my sister and her DH when she offered to be my egg donor.  

My BIL is generally very liberal and broad-minded, but at first he really wasn't happy about my sister being an egg donor - I think he even surprised himself with his reaction.  He felt it was a bit freaky, as if his wife was having a baby by another man, and he was concerned about how it would affect their own children.  He was also worried about my sis undergoing unnecessary medical treatment.  Looking back on it, I think my sister and I had lots of discussions about it all but she didn't say anything to him at first, so by the time he got to know about it, it must have seemed to him like a done deal.  

When I first approached our clinic about doing the sister donation, their counsellor said straight away that both my sister's and my DHs should be involved in the discussions, and so our first counselling session involved all 4 of us.  At that stage I still wasn't 100% sure about going ahead, and certainly my DH and I did not want to cause problems between my sister and BIL.  In the session, we listened to what my BIL had to say and discussed how the relationship would work - that the child would be ours, but we would tell it and the family that my sister had given me an egg so that I could have a baby.  He said he did not want to stand in the way of us having a family but would prefer that it wasn't happening.  After that, the counsellor suggested that my sister and BIL had a further session with her, and that we did not discuss the matter further with them in the meantime, so that they did not feel under any pressure.  Their next session was a couple of weeks later.  

Once we had definitely decided to go ahead, we then had to wait a few weeks until the right point in our monthly cycles.  I did the treatment at a clinic near my sister's home, so stayed with her when I had appointments.  My BIL was absolutely fine towards me although we did not discuss the treatment.  When I got my BFP, he was one of the first to congratulate us, and we really appreciated that.  He has taken an interest during the pregnancy and after Lizzie arrived, and from the way he is now, you would never know that initially he had difficulty with the process.  To be honest, now that Lizzie has arrived, everyone has more or less forgotten that she was donor conceived, including my sister - she made a comment about her having my eyes, then realised what she had said.

I think one lesson from all of this is that you have to give people time to get used to the idea.  I keep being reminded that although we on this board discuss donor conception as just another fertility option, it is actually quite freaky to people who have not come across the idea before - I remember a discussion on TV after a woman became PG in her 60s and one of the journalists taking part seemed surprised and rather shocked that the woman was carrying a baby which was not genetically hers.  People who have babies easily don't need to get into all of this.  

For us, the counselling process was very helpful with airing my BIL's concerns.  We all felt that we needed to discuss it between the 4 of us, but felt awkward about doing so between ourselves, so having the counsellor to guide the discussions made a big difference.

I hope this is of some help to you and your DH in your discussions - do come back to me if you have any questions about any of this.

All the best
Essex Girl x


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## lotsofchoc (Feb 27, 2008)

Hi Essex Girl,

Thank you so much that is REALLY helpful   It does sound just the same, like you I discussed it with my sister first and when I told my dh I just assumed he would be ok with the idea, oops   Your story was just what I was after, thanks so much!


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## A.T.C.C (Mar 13, 2006)

Hi there
When i first looked into donating i didnt consider dh's feelings towards it because it was something I wanted to do.
When i had decided i would definatley do it i talked it through with him and his main concerns were for my health and well being. He understood why i was doing it cos he knows me well and ill do anything for anyone so he wsnt surprised at all but he was worried.
I didnt really think about his part in it all but he was the one who saw me struggle to do my first injection, he was the one who saw me in pain with the headaches and he was the one who was there when i came round from the anaesthetic after ec. 
My first donation was to unknown recipients so he went through it all with me including some of the appointments. Looking back i should have considered his thoughts and feelings beforehand but i wouldnt have changed my mind if he hadnt wanted me to do it. 
It is a different situation for me because any child born of my donations wouldnt be part of our family.
also the first time i donated i hadnt thought about my parents reactions either until they said something one day about the donor child being their grandchild. i really thought they looked upon it all the way i did and had no emotional connection to the whole donor thing but it did take them a while to think like me!


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