# Didn't make it to test day...



## Bun One (Nov 4, 2010)

Hello, 
I have just completed my first ICSI cycle which ended in a BFN as I started bleeding 11dpt.  This completely devastated me as it was not explained to me that this could happen - I didn't even make it to test day.  This has been the most devastating experience I have put myself through - I feel like someone has died.  But I also feel like I am slowly getting better day by day, and I am able to rationalise and be practical about things but it is hard.  We are due to go back next week for our consultation - hopefully they will be able to shed more light and answer the million and one questions we have.  I don't know how people have the strength to go through IVF again and again - when do you call it a day?  We have decided to try this twice more, and then go for adoption.  We don't think we can do this over and over again - we can't make a lifestyle out of this - it is too heartbreaking when it does not work, and mentally, emotionally, and physically battering, as well as financially draining.  I need hope.  I need a miracle.  I need to know what God's plan is for us.


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## Skybreeze (Apr 25, 2007)

Hi Bun One

I am so sorry your first ICSI failed. Its so sad to go through ICSI and get nothing but heartache at the end. But as you are learning it does get better in time and feels alot easier as the days pass. And you will feel strong enough to try again, and there is no reason why it cant work next time. When you see you consultant you may want to ask for more 2ww support to keep you from bleeding in the 2ww. 

Give yourself time to grieve this loss, and be kind to yourself at this time. What you feel is normal. As for when to call it a day, when that day comes you will know. I never thought I would do 4 cycles... but I have. 

Take care sweetie 
Natalie xxx


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## BathBelle (Aug 22, 2010)

Bun One,   I bled before OTD this time too.  BFNs are tough, but we all somehow manage to get the strength to go again and try to make our dreams come true.  I hope that you are able to get some answers at your consultation.   

Belle x


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Bun One, on my first and second cycles I too bled before test day...so heartbreaking and so soul destroying when there's no asnwer as to why...hope that your consult goes ok x


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## Beanie3 (Nov 1, 2009)

Bun one I have just failed my 1st and sadly only go at ICSI, I feel so empty, never Knew it could hurt this much, we are hoping to look into adoption begining of next year.

Wishing you all the best 

Beanie xxx


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## Skybreeze (Apr 25, 2007)

Beanie       Take care hun xxx


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## Bun One (Nov 4, 2010)

Thank you so much for kind words, understanding, support, sharing my pain - or our pain, and hopes.  No one understands unless they have been through it.  I have taken my BFN really hard - partly because tests show that I am in working order - fertility wise, and the consultant also said there was a 50% chance of it working so I was not prepared for when it did not.  However, this experience will prepare me for next time.  My DH and I are trying to be strong and are making the small steps to heal, and to be practical and realistic.  Until our next time, I don't think that there is any harm in trying for natural BFP - we may get lucky with a miracle - I have heard it does happen!  I have to keep telling myself that we may be infertile and need a bit of help, but we are not sterile, and if it does not work, then God's plan is for us to adopt (we think we had a very big sign about this a few months ago but did not recognise it at the time).  The days are getting better but I still have waves of pain in my heart, but I am managing to hold it together - with the support of DH, friends and your kind words xxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your BFNs     

I think the first one hurts the most. You are filled with so much hope and expectation, and belief that this is your 'cure', I don't think you really think about it failing. I'm not sure how you would get through that first scary cycle if you didn't focus all your energy into believing it will work. But time is a great healer and once you have been through the grief that comes with a BFN, you will find light at the end of the tunnel. You will also find that you are made of stronger stuff than you think, and when you are ready you'll find the fight inside you to try again.

I hope none of you feel the the pain of a BFN again, 
Katxxx


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## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

hey bun one & the other lovely ladies

it will get easier - have just had my 4th bfn and for me - my 3rd cycle in April i was convinced it would work - it is devasting when it doesn't. i also have never made it to test day and i'm not sure if thats better or worse?

it is a loss and you & dh do need time to grieve.

me & hubby have decided once more and then that will be it - it can take over your life as the treatment is addictive - its the promise that there is no reason for it not to work (if that meakes sense)

take time, each day does get better.  

  to everyone

sxx


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## allie33 (May 1, 2010)

bun one, just read you mail and feel like your telling my story. I had my first ICSI last month and was sure I would get a BFP, all dr's gave me great hope said I'd be pregnant by Christmas and then it ended 7day post transfer. I was/am devastated, but pulling myself together and going to get back and try again next year. I have to believe it will work for us, just hope we don't run out of funds or ruin our relationship in the mean time. Hope next time will be your turn xx


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## Lulabelle66 (Nov 22, 2010)

Hi Bun One

I've also just had my first ICSI cycle and also, like you, didn't make it to test day (the day before, in fact).  I was absolutely devastated despite the fact that we knew the probability of success.  I stupidly fooled myself into thinking that someone's got to be in those 1st success percentages, why not me?  Sadly, this weekend was not the happiest I've ever encountered (to say the least).  No one warns you that you are actually going to grieve in this way.

We haven't got an appointment with our consultant now until the week before Christmas so our plan is to try and relax and forget about it for a while (pretty impossible, I know).  We'll try on our own for now (what have we got to lose?) and I'm assuming we'll be on to our 2nc cycle in January/February 2011.

If you need a cycle buddy for your next go, give me a shout.  If not, that's cool, just remember you're not alone - I wish you lots of success in your next cycle and keep your chin up - positive thinking!


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