# Big decision - who’s sperm I shall use?



## Mywish2022 (12 mo ago)

Hi everyone, 

Hope you are super well. I need to make a big decision, would love to hear your thought.

My husband has Asperger syndrome. We’re together for 15 years, it’s not been easy (it's a very frustrating and lonely journey, stonewall/silent treatment, rude/cold moody behaviours, refuse to spend any time together, 'gaslight' type of behaviours without the manipulation intention though). Because of this, I wasn’t sure it’s the right thing to have a family with him. Time flies, time isn’t on my side. A few years ago we started trying.

In early 2020 he suddenly decided he didn’t want any child and refused to have sex. After a few months I decided to leave him. He didn’t want to lose me so he changed his mind. I stayed.
In early 2021 he said the relationship was not working and he’d leave. I accepted it, however he regretted it the very next day. Considering my priority was to get pregnant, I took him back. Then we found out actually his sperm has problems all these years (GP made mistakes twice), it’s not possible to get pregnant naturally. So I did IVF twice, both unsuccessful.
Last Friday after work, without any warning/communication, he told me he was leaving and moved out immediately. Guess what, he regretted it again.

I am tired of this game. I am ready to be a single mum, though firstly I want to freeze the embryos for now. The big question is, *who’s sperm I shall use*?

I might be able to borrow his, after all, I know him well, he is tall, handsome and intelligent. God forbidden if something happened to me, I want my child still have family in this world, who would love him/her dearly as I would.

My worry is, sounds extremely selfish, the high possibility that the child might have Asperger syndrome. It would be very difficult for both the child and the parent.

If I use sperm from sperm bank, the chance of Asperger syndrome is lower, however I fear the unknown, e.g. what if the stranger has narcissistic traits? How to overcome the worries and fears?

Thank you for reading. I appreciate any thought.


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## BEmama (Jun 24, 2018)

It sounds like he is not committed to either your relationship or to the idea being a father. Do you know for sure that he would love and care for any children that you might have from his sperm, even if you are no longer together? Personally, reading this I think that using donor sperm could be the 'safer' option here (safe as in less likely to lead to conflict and heartbreak), but I think that ultimately it will depend on your feelings for him and whether you still really want that connection to him as the father of your children or not.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

I agree with the above poster. I would personally go down the donor sperm route, as a single woman. There are lots of woman who have gone it alone and I haven’t met one, who has regretted the decision. Good luck x


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## Amy76 (May 14, 2014)

Like the others have said I would go with the donor option, I hope it works out for you xxx


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

I don’t actually agree with the comments about using a donor. You have no guarantees that any child from a donor will be free from being on the autism spectrum. Clinics don’t have access to donor medical records nor do all people even know they are on the spectrum and are undiagnosed. My egg donor conceived child is waiting for a diagnosis and I often wonder if it was related to the age of his biological father.s sperm or was it linked to the IVF treatment or was it genetic from the egg donor. I will never know, but I did take comfort when pregnant from the fact that my child would have biological family if I died and I knew it would inherit maybe some looks from the father. It’s a big decision take your time.


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

Hi, I am sorry you are going through this. From what I know one of the stages to be accepted as a donor (sperm or eggs) is meeting a psychologist. IVF clinics or banks should also have a detailed profile of their donors that will help you choose one that suits you the best. Being accepted is not so easy, and only max 10% of candidates are accepted by clinics. In my opinion, using donor sperm is a safer route.


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