# Anyone feeling low?



## faraday (Dec 19, 2007)

I really could do with a kick up the bum.

I'm terrified about having more treatment (we can't afford it), I'm angry that I can't conceive and don't understand why, I'm utterly miserable at the thought of never being pregnant or breastfeeding again, I feel guilty that I have my wonderful boy & still feel bad, I'm dreading the tought of months more of ttc naturally and the inevitable arrival of AF.

I'm due to ovulate in a few days (like clockwork for all the good it does us), I don't want to have sex because it is less painful not to try than to face another negative.

I wish I could make myself not want another child.

Sorry


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## Edna (Mar 19, 2005)

Hi Faraday,

  

I really empathise with how you are feeling. I've just been sideswiped by two unexpected BFP announcements in the real world and have been ever so jealous. As for being angry and miserable thats not at all surprising in your situation. Having a baby doesn't make this go away.

Its only natural to want another baby so don't feel guilty about it. If we didn't have IF issues to deal with then we wouldn't question the feelings.

Not sure whether this helps or not but wanted you to know that you are not alone.

lol


Edna


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

Hi Faraday,

How hun      I can so relate to how you feel. I feel fustrated and angry too with the whole infertility it really is so hard isn't it.

Please never feel you have to apologise, thats what we are all here for and like Edna says you are not alone.

Take care

Jacks xx


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Just wanted to give you some   hun.


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Hun, i know exactly how you feel - you don't need to apologise.

Big hugs from me too.

Sallywags


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## faraday (Dec 19, 2007)

Thank you for the hugs I *really * needed them!

Dh & I have aggreed we're going to 'not try' until August when we're planning to start treatment again. The monthly disappointment is just too much for me, I feel like a complete failure.


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

We are at that point too Faraday and have stopped "trying" as I am finding it hard.

Take care and just sending you some more   

Jacks x


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## trixxie (Sep 19, 2005)

Hi Girls

So glad i found this post, I am also feeling the same way. I feel terribly guilty also for wanting another but i do desperately. Unfortunetly there is no option for treatment unless i win the lottery. But well i just wanted to say ditto, hope it helps that you are not alone.

Trixxie


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## SWEETCHEEKS (Sep 15, 2005)

Just wanted too add that i feel the same way too...

Dont get me wrong I LOVE MY BOY TO A MILLION PIECES...

But .... What annoys me    Is we have been robbed of something which should come so natural.. what have we ever done too deserve this   

Sweetcheeks & my beautiful son xxx​


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## faraday (Dec 19, 2007)

DH & I were talking about this at the weekend (well I was sobbing). I am just so f*****g angry ... we will never plan to get pregnant, have sex, get pregnant, be happy and excited like normal people do. Even if - and it is looking increasingly unlikely - we get the chance to even try again we will never experience that simple joy & excitement. We feel like we're living in some kind of weird parallel universe and nobody understands. All our normal friends ask when we'll have another !!!! as if we're magically fixed and I wouldn't dream of going on like this to my IF friends, most of them are still battling childlessness.

I think we're having some kind of post traumatic stress thing, I keep crying & DH is still deeply grieving the baby we lost.


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## lounea (Jun 12, 2005)

hiya
just found this and thought I would say hi, im desperate for another child, I feel guilty about it, but I really want a sibling for thomas, thomas is perfect in every way and i think the thought of not being able to have another  child makes it all the worse.  my friend who had a baby a few weeks after me cant bear the thought of having another child, but i guess thats cos she can, without ivf.  

My partner doesnt want any more children , I guess he had thomas for me, ( dont get me wrong he loves him to bits) but he has a grown up son so the urge just isnt there, I however have struggled with the joy of thomas and the sadness at never being able to give thomas a sibling nearer his own age, have another child  myself all the way along, even during my pregnancy!  when I talk ot my sisters , who know the situation they say, you never know, it might happen and it makes me angry!!!

I still hold out the hope that it might happen naturally (kidding myself!) or that I can persuade my dp to go for it again and hope and pray.  

I just feel so guilty for feeling this way when i have such a beautiful son who is so perfect! 
Lou xx


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## pollttc (Nov 18, 2004)

Many of these posts could have been written by me.
I'm sitting here off work sick with chronic AF endo taking hold again. There are pg bumps all over my school (teachers not pupils!) one colleague brought her six wk old baby in, friends have been over with their seven month old......
I've literally just had conversation with DH about how SICK I am of thinking about being pg, babies, breastfeeding etc. Really want D to have a sibling too and she keeps playing that she's got a 'pretend brother' (not idea from me but from twins at childminders') 
We have five top grade frosties, both DH and I are apparently functioning normally throughout (classic unexplained) He's 48 and I'm 37 so not getting any younger.... and we have NO MONEY to try for another - and even if we did, that'd mean we were choosing to put ourselves in financial difficulty (my Mum already pays half D's childcare) whereas if we could just pop one out we'd have to deal with it.
So we're faced with the prospect of having to let our much wanted frosties perish.
We have a house full of baby stuff that I can't quite let go 'just in case'....
I'm just so fed up of each month being an emotional rollercoaster - once AF underway feel terrible (physically and mentally) and so disappointed and then that ridiculous hope once it's over that 'just maybe....' ALl the miracle pgies that maybe should help just feel like they're reinforcing my lack of pgy (actually used to feel like that about the pics of babies on the wall at the feriltiy clinic)

Rambling now.......
Oh and the guilt - Daisy is so amazing and so perfect that I should be content - and always thought I would be when we were trying for her so desperately

Poll


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## trixxie (Sep 19, 2005)

Hi Poll

I feel compelled to send you a massive hug , i can sense the emotion in your post i SO know how you feel. It is just so bloody unfair if we are to have this bloody immune problem why are we not rich (oh rich enough to afford the immune treatment again!). I too live in hope every month that i will be the lucky one and each month i am shattered when af arrives. My DD is only 14mths old so not at the point of talking yet but i know i will feel worse when she starts asking. You are not alone xxxx

Trixxie


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

reading these posts, all i can say is - me too. My little one is only 19 weeks and i want another baby so much my heart aches. I never thought i would feel like this, I thought having a baby would fill all that need, its strange cos i love her more than i can describe and that only fuels a desire for another rather than preventing it.
I have booked an appt back at the fertility clinic for another go, and i am worried cos i feel its ust going to be a lot of money for nothing but more heartache as the hormones get all stirred up. I worry that i will feel even worse after a failed attempt, but if i dont try I will always live with "what if..." All the mums i have met locally that have had babies at the same time have said they will start trying for their no. 2's at the end of the year, I am thinking I am going to have to cut myself off from them when it gets to that stage because its going to be horrendous.
It just isn't fair. And i feel soo awful saying that when we have such a wonderful baby now.
Janine xx


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## Abby Carter (Sep 28, 2004)

Hi there

Have been lurking and looking for somewhere where I feel I could post. So many of your posts here ring a bell with me. We're lucky enough to have a DS who's 18 months now. I was naive enough to think it might happen naturally next time round. Then we realised of course it wouldn't. Two rounds of tx later, and we're still as far away from being pregnant as ever. One cancelled cycle, one BFN (but only one embie, a grade 2 two-cell which I just knew wouldn't make it somehow). 

I don't know how many more times I can go through tx. I don't mind it physically, it's the emotional stress (not to mention finding money from somewhere) that makes me go under. 

Plus a friend just came round whose little boy is a month younger than ours. I knew her first time round and two other friends I met through her who were all going to the same pregnancy yoga class. She just told me all three of them are pregnant again - and we got our BFN on Tuesday. Feeling very low, and think it's likely we'll have to accept that we won't have any more. I know it must seem selfish, but I thought I'd put all of this sadness behind me. Just wanted to let it out. I'd be lost without FF. 

Abby
x


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Abby - i'm so sorry hun, I just wanted to say you are certainly not selfish... ladies without IF don't consider themself selfish for wanting more than one child so neither should we - easier said than done though hun    

Janine - I was very much of the opinion that one child would fulfill my broodiness, how wrong could I have been... when broodiness creaps up again its a very strange feeling, one that I certainly wasn't ready for...

I wish I could turn it off, I wish that I didn't associate   with babies, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish....... 

Hugs to you all.

Bev xx


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## Abby Carter (Sep 28, 2004)

Thanks Bev. I also wish I didn't associate   with trying to make a baby. I feel angry with my body again - why don't you know how to do something so basic, so easy? I can't imagine what it feels like to just have sex without thinking of all the rest of it. Wouldn't it be great to have answers too - why, why, why can't I get pregnant just through having sex? What is it that my body ISN'T doing? How can I make it 'be normal'?

Ugh. Still hoping to feel more positive soon.

Abby
x


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

Oh ladies,

All I can say is I share your anger and frustration for the "normal"  life . I am so grateful for this section of FF as it really helps me to see I am not alone and to have ladies who truly understand.

Jacks xx


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## Maarias (May 4, 2005)

Hi girls,
Your posts could all have been written by.

Abby - I'm so sorry to hear about your bfn, I didn't realise you were ttc again.

We got our bfn on Christmas Eve, and one of my mum friend's announced in the New Year that she was pregnant again...

We have been ttc naturally, but I feel so defeated by it...it's not worked in five years, so how the hell is it supposed to work now...dh thinks I'm being too negative, but he's not had to put his body through aaaall this tx stuff over and over again   I just feel so emotionally and physically exhausted by this whole thing - I just wish I could wake up magically one day and just be a 'normal' person who didn't have to have a million blood tests done to find out why she can't get pregnant, and who didn't have another round of tx to look forward to with jabs in every flippin part of her body...I can't even imagine what it must be like to get naturally pregnant...it's just this amazing gift that I wasn't given...and often the people who have it don't even appreciate how lucky they are...

Sorry for the ramble girls, but I'm just on a real low at the moment   - have an FET coming up in April/May hopefully and just can't muster any positivity about it...I just don't see how it's going to work when my 2 blasts didn't implant at Christmas...

Mariax


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## Abby Carter (Sep 28, 2004)

Hi Maria,

Sorry you've hit a low for now too. I know just what you mean about feeling defeated by it all. I've even been thinking, well, let's try for a natural cycle this month - but when I really think about it, I want to laugh - what's the point? I've never got pregnant naturally and we were trying very hard for quite a few years, so what would be different this month?

It's good that you're going to try again soon though - it's the only thing that keeps me going really, knowing how random all of this is - just when you think you've no hope left, it could turn out to be the cycle that works. 

I'm also trying to take the view that, because of my age, we're only really going to be able to try for another year or so anyway. And that in terms of the rest of my life, it's actually a very short time. So will try and find the strength to go through more tx. We have our review appt with the clinic on Friday, so I guess we'll see what they have to say about our chances from here on in. 

Love
Abby
x


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## Vivaldi (Mar 29, 2008)

Hi To Everyone on this thread of Feeling Low, I could have written them all myself.  
Gosh we know how incredibly lucky we are to have my little boy - who was concieved after 2 x IVF + ICSI BFN, then IUI with donor sperm BFP. Everyone who sees you just assumes that you can get pregnant because you have a child, and then if you explain why you can't they say 'oh, well at least you've got one already'    Doesn't really help either way, does it?
I honestly think I want baby no. 2 more than the first - is that possible? The whole TTC lark IS very gruelling, the stress, the money (!!!), that big black cloud over your head even when you're not having txt!! And, yes you are right, getting your period every month just keeps on reminding you.
We've undergone 4 x IUIs with DS to conceive Baby no.2, the first 3 were BFN and then the 4th - just when we'd nearly decided to give up - was BFP - but then I miscarried!!! All for nothing and back to square one after 15 months of effort/money/etc - you all know the score!   
I, too, am hanging on to all our baby stuff in the vain hope that we may have another, and we daren't get our bedroom sorted out in our new-ish house (moved in over a year ago!!) because we dont' know whether to turn bedroom 3 into a nursery or a spare room!!!
And so it goes on. The other thing was my best friend gave birth to her lovely Baby No. 2 at the EXACT time I was busy miscarrying - the timing couldn't have been more spectacular - I haven't told her becasue I dont' want her to feel bad, and I dont want her to assume how I'm feeling and feel bad about that - it's her time to be happy.  
All my and DH's friends have already had Baby No. 2 months ago and already my son is 3 and a half and it's like the gap is just gettign bigger and bigger and I fear he won't be interested in a sibling as the gap will be too big (IF we got lucky that is!), so pure torture all round.
You are not alone, and I'm glad we've got FF - I only found out about it last week when counsellor told me after the m/c - it's my life force at the moment as feeling very low. Hugs to all 
Vivaldi xxx


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Vivaldi,

I completely understand the feeling of wanting a second more than the first - and it took me ages to get mydh to understand what i meant.  it feels incredibly selfish when so many ladies on here would give their right arm to have their first baby, but it really is so hard now.  Before, i desperately wanted a baby, but knew we may not be able to have any - and if our last tx hadn't worked, we would have change dour life styles completely and tried to focus on other things.  however, i am a MUMMY now, that's what my mind and body are crying out to do - louder than before, because it's done it and it knows what to do now.

I hope i don't offend anyone reading this -because i do know how lucky i am to have my beautiful girl, and even if i am not blessed again, i would never ever choose not to have had her and will live with the pain of not having another one, to enjoy every second of my time with her.

xx


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## kitten1 (Jan 1, 2007)

Just wanted to post and say 'ditto'.   

C is only 17wks old and I desperately want to start ttc#2 but DH isn't too keen. We were very lucky and fluked a  first time round. DH has said he doesn't want to go through tx as we already have a son. His words - Whats the point??

I just sooo want to be preggy again!   I had a lovely birth experience with C and a not too bad preggy either. I must be greedy...... but, on the other hand, if both of my sister's can have 2 LO's each, why can't I?? Just because it takes us that bit longer or we have to try harder.............

Sorry. AF is due and I'm feeling hormonal.


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