# Coping with pregnant friends/family



## Butterfly1984 (Aug 13, 2013)

Help! I am struggling enormously at the moment. My #1 IVF failed in April ....exactly the same time that my Sister in Law had her 12 week scan for her second baby! (Yes second- she already had one after trying for only 3 weeks!!!!)

I can't stop myself from being full of anger, jealousy and various other horrible emotions! I have to watch her every week with her growing bump and am struggling to cope with it. My heart is already filled with dread for her due date in October. I just can't help constantly thinking THIS ISN'T FAIR!

As her pregnancy progresses I feel like me and my DH are being left behind! Everyone is focusing on her (including planning the dreaded baby shower) and I don't know what to do! I feel like everyone thinks that my treatment failed a couple of months ago and I should be over it and happy for her! Its like my IVF fail is old news and its all about her bump! (They prob don't think this it's all in my head probably  ) I found myself in a situation on Sunday where we were visiting a friend who has a newborn and my pregnant sister in law came along! A new born and a pregnant woman - it was like a nightmare!

Has anyone else found themselves in this situation? How are you managing to cope?

xx


----------



## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Butterfly

First of all a big hug    I've lost count of how many times over the last 5 years I've had to cope with pregnancy announcements, moaning pregnant friends and newborns.  I've plastered a big grin on my face and then come home and sobbed my heart out.  People who haven't been through IF don't truly understand no matter what they say.

The thing that helped me most was something our counsellor said to us, we saw her after our first ICSI ended in mmc.  She said only do what you want to and start to put yourselves first.  For the first time, I felt empowered to be able to say no to invitations for coffee, lunch, visits if I was feeling wobbly or just didn;t need the bump/baby in my face that day.  Before I'd always make myself go because I didn't want to let IF rule my life but I was torturing myself.  By saying no sometimes it somehow made it feel easier on the days when I felt strong enough.  I also would explain why I wasn't going and be honest and say 'I'm finding all the baby stuff a bit hard today but I'll see you soon'  eventually friends started to get it and actually ask how I was.  I also tried to arrange times just for the grown ups - the new mums were actually very grateful to have some time away and it made me feel like I hadn't lost everyone.

Take Care

Dory
xxx


----------



## Butterfly1984 (Aug 13, 2013)

Hey Dory,
Thanks for replying. .it makes me feel better just knowing other people have had to deal with the same emotions.
I think you are right...I do need to start saying no to these things.  I go to try and keep others happy but do exactly the same as u and come home crying. It's just difficult isn't it.

Thanks for the hugs they are much appreciated! Congratulations on ur BFP. We are trying ICSI next time so hopefully we will get our BFP too.

Take care xx


----------



## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Thank you and sending you lots of   for your next cycle.

Dory
xxx


----------



## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Hi Butterfly1984

I know exactly how you're feeling. In fact the reason I'm here is that a friend has just announced his wife is pregnant with his second (her third child) and I was beyond jealous. 

There have been times when I see photographs of my various cousins on ******** with their babies and my arms feel so empty it hurts. I just feel sad, then jealous, then cross at myself for resenting them.  it's a full cycle of emotions.

I can't offer any advice as I don't really know how to handle it myself. The only thing I'd say is ride the emotions like a wave, understand each day is different, and as Dory said, dont feel bad turning down invitations from people if you feel you'd be more overwhelmed if you went.  To be totally honest, there will be days when a baby bump or a newborn is just too much to handle. 

And cry .... let it all out. This week has been hard and I have a couple of hours in the morning before my OH gets up (we own our own business and work together) and if I'm feeling badly, I just have a sob. There is nothing wrong with that.


----------



## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi ladies

What helps me keep negative feelings at bay is thinking...

'Thank god there's one less woman feeling the heartbreak of infertility'  And that's got to be a positive for me


----------



## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Lilly83 said:


> Hi ladies
> 
> What helps me keep negative feelings at bay is thinking...
> 
> 'Thank god there's one less woman feeling the heartbreak of infertility' And that's got to be a positive for me


Lilly83, I can honestly say your a far better person then I could ever dream to be.


----------



## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Don't get me wrong I struggle like everyone now and again, my partners ex is 17 years older than me and caught first time, her 3rd child to different partners, and I am having to use donor eggs at 30, but I know there's ladies going through worse and i'm lucky I have never had pregnancy losses and I'm grateful for that. 

I guess life throws at us what we can deal with for a reason?

I had 2 staff members announce pg the month my ivf failed, I had to listen to all the details and do the risk assessments etc but I looked at them when they were complaining about all the niggles of pg and I thought you could never of dealt with IF, for their sakes I'm glad they didn't have to as its a horrible horrible thing x


----------



## Teasmade (Jul 8, 2014)

Lilly83 said:


> Don't get me wrong I struggle like everyone now and again, my partners ex is 17 years older than me and caught first time, her 3rd child to different partners, and I am having to use donor eggs at 30, but I know there's ladies going through worse and i'm lucky I have never had pregnancy losses and I'm grateful for that.
> 
> I guess life throws at us what we can deal with for a reason?
> 
> I had 2 staff members announce pg the month my ivf failed, I had to listen to all the details and do the risk assessments etc but I looked at them when they were complaining about all the niggles of pg and I thought you could never of dealt with IF, for their sakes I'm glad they didn't have to as its a horrible horrible thing x


I think that is one of the best written posts I've read in a long time. I just so wished I could be pleased for people. There are days when I am but mostly when I hear a pregnancy announcement my heart sinks.

I admire you because it cannot of been easy knowing they are pregnant when you had your own devastating news to deal with.

i try to not let negativity take over but I'll be honest, it's not easy and getting harder and harder to do.


----------



## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

I have this saved I often read it

I Will Be A Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.


----------



## Kolbm (Jun 15, 2014)

Came across this post and  Lilly83 that such a beautiful  poem thank you for sharing. Xxx


----------



## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Glad you like it, if you search online for it there's a nice photo of it I have it saved on my phone as a photo xx


----------



## Jelliebabe (Jan 14, 2011)

oh my - thats made me cry.  I know its true though - I will be a wonderful mother.

Thanks its beautiful.


----------



## Butterfly1984 (Aug 13, 2013)

Ah Lily83 that is beautiful and so true. My Husband and I often say when this eventually happens we think we will appreciate it so much more. 

I really wish I could have ur positive outcome tho. Like Teasmade I just feel anger and jealousy towards pregnant women and as much as I try to stop it I just cant help it. Xx


----------



## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Glad you all find comfort in it

Don't get me wrong I'm not all that together, my partner has a child and I really struggle with that, maybe that's why I can deal with other pregnant ladies ok as this causes me so much heart ache

Being an infertile stepmum is so so hard

L x


----------



## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I started ttc in 2000 when I was 29. Friends who said they did not want kids all had 2 before I even got started with IVF.
After 6 years of trying and a month after I was told that the only option was IVF with donor sperm and my DH had said no absolutely not, a friend of mine told me she was expecting (and she thought it was never going to happen as it took a whole 10 months) on a whole day out. We had been at a flower show for about an hour or two and sat down with an ice cream and she told me. All my pent up emotions from 6 years poured out and I could not stop crying for 36 hours. It was really uncomfortable at the show for the rest of the day and I had to put sunglasses on to hide my eyes. Everytime we went to the loo I quietly sobbed and tears welled up all day. When I got home I sobbed and sobbed. My DH did not know what to do or say.

I felt like such a witch. I should have been happy for her. Which I was of course. I just wished it could have been me too.

As it happened I was MUCH better once babies were born than in the pregnancy. I don't know why. I suppose I could cuddle the baby and see what it was like, but when the woman was pregnant in the state I wanted to be and try - I don't know.

Anyway, fast forward to 2014 and my 3 year old son and 6 month old daughter are asleep upstairs. I don't know how I finally got here. I have been to hell and back a few times, but if I can do it anyone can.

The thing that helped me more than anything else in the world and is a brilliant set of life skills that everyone should learn was the mind body course based on the work of Alice Domar. They used to run it at the bridge centre, but I think it has changed hands since then and they stopped doing it. But this course changed my life completely for the better.
The book by Alice Domar - Conquering Infertility is a must read for anyone struggling - it restores a feeling of ''YOU ARE COMPLETELY NORMAL!'


----------



## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I am also a step mum and my MIL told me I was lucky as I had a part mother role at least! I don't call 2 nights a month and being told repeatedly it is nothing to do with me (except when it suited him) by my DH a maternal role.

I was also told by my MIL that if DH and I adopted we would be equal - how could we ever be equal if he already has a child of his own? And it was not important for my family's genes to be passed on! And it did not matter that my parents never became grandparents (her sitting there with 2 grandsons). And that I should move on with my life and accept my lot and find something fulfilling to do. And that it did not matter that I had no heirs to everything I ever and my parents ever worked for.

It really got to me that I was working full time and struggling with infertility when the ex was a SAHM on benefits and £450 a month from us. The ex got pregnant by accident when on the pill apparently. Then my DH was diagnosed with complete testicular failure 6 years later - go figure. The boy does look like DH, but you never know.

My step son has gone and got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant by accident. Thank god I now have my children because I think I would have been in my box by now if not.
We worked out the other day that my daughter and this baby will start school on the same day!


----------



## Butterfly1984 (Aug 13, 2013)

Mistletoe (Holly) I know exactly what you mean - that the bump always seems worse than the baby!! Its so strange...but its true! Infertility definitely messes with your mind! 
I will give that book a try. Anything that makes me feel 'normal'is good!

x


----------



## emyfraser (Mar 10, 2014)

Hope you don't mind me butting into this conversation!

I've been dealing with this a lot - HUGEly with a friend who got pregnant her second month trying, following what was effectively a made up miscarriage her first month trying (she never tested positive, but was a few days later than she expected and she said her period was heavier - as someone who has had a miscarriage, her make believe one was a kick in the teeth). When she told me she was pregnant I burst into tears. I tried so hard to be happy for her but she remained so unconscious, coming into my office to show me scans, to show off her "pregnancy hair" and declaring "look at my belly!!!" that every visit ended with me hiding in the toilets and crying.

I eventually told her that it was too hard for me to be around her and she has decided to ice me out. The baby was born last month and I've had no reply to the gift I sent, etc. 

Both my SIL and a good friend are trying right now and I have such fear for when they announce pregnancies. I really don't want to ruin another friendship but I'm on such a roller coaster I don't even know if I'll be able to contain myself. 

Really random - but does anyone enjoy watching One Born Every Minute?  
Personally, I can't think of anything worse, but my therapist was so surprised when I said this - she thought it would be something I would enjoy. I'm struggling to see how a therapist would think that someone dealing with infertility would enjoy watching a show about giving birth - especially as it seems to contain SO MANY accidental pregnancies.


----------



## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Emy - No I can't watch anything baby related and have been unable to since we discovered we were suffering from IF.  I even went through a stage of turning over magazine pages to hide SMA and other milk adverts plus those for fabric softner etc.  I remember a lady commenting on FF that even the meerkats on tv had a baby!


----------



## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

I agree, my mum suggested one born every minute but it feels like torture watching child birth when I may never experience it? 

My sister found out she was pregnant with a guy she met 3 months ago, accident.. Makes me loopy! I too find pregnancy harder than babies


----------



## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Emy

What kind of therapist is it? I personally am fine watching it myself however I ask as I had therapy for emetophobia (phobia of vomiting) and part of my therapy was watching videos and listening to audio of people being sick, it was CBT therapy to desensitise me

Did she mean it in that sense? As in it might be good for you? 

I agree on finding pg ladies harder than babies x


----------



## emyfraser (Mar 10, 2014)

Hi Lilly

That's an interesting point re: desensitizing. She's a work-appointed therapist after I had a particularly bad week of tearfulness related to the infertility. She wasn't suggesting that I watch it, but was just surprised that I wouldn't enjoy watching it. I wondered if I was weird for wanting to stay away from it!  Glad it's not just me.

I remember (stupidly) watching What to Expect When You're Expecting not long after miscarrying and when the character in it miscarried, I lost it.  Even now, over a year later, it's hard for me to see it on a movie or show. 

The friend who I talked about in the first post came into work that same day, with her baby. Like everyone else has said, I was ok. It was much easier to be around the baby than her pregnancy. It seems so strange, but I'll definitely take it as a positive!


----------



## Butterfly1984 (Aug 13, 2013)

I haven't watched One born every minute since was diagnosed with IF. I just couldn't. I feel it would be torturing myself as it is watching people have what I can't have. Especially as some of the people on there either didn't want the pregnancy or just have so many kids they can't look after them! I can't put myself through that!

It is weird though that coping with pregnant people is more difficult. I started this chat because of my pregnant sister in law and I am hoping that once my niece or nephew arrives I will find it all a bit easier. Luckily I go away soon and when I return it will almost be her due date so I don't have to put up with the growing bump for too much longer! I'm finding it harder and harder each week!

x


----------

