# Lonely



## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Hey everyone,

It's my first post on here so apologies if this is a little boring or inappropriate.
I've found myself staring into the long journey of fertility issues and it's breaking my heart!
Me and my bf have been together a couple of years and we've been trying for a while but nothing was happening.
I knew something was wrong so last July I stared getting tests done and it's been a roller coaster so far! Blood tests, scans, ovulation tracking, appointment upon appointment and I feel like I'm half crazy now. 
I'm not eligible for IVF because my other half has kids. 

Every day seems like a struggle, I want to cry everytime he talks about his kids, and his brother and wife are having their first in August and I bought them a little gift and burst into tears in Asda car park because I'm so excited for them but so desperately sad and jealous at the same time.

My mam and bf just keep telling me everything will be fine and I want to scream!!!!!
I know we're in this journey together but I feel so lonely and just want someone to talk to who understands what I'm going through.


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi Eevee, 

You are definitely not alone   FF is a wonderful support for us all, and there are many times I've worried I'm the only one who feels a certain way only to come on here and find it's completely normal to feel the huge mix of emotions infertility inflicts on us.

I hope that you have already found some great support on this site. There is lots of advice for further tests or deciphering any results you've already had, and lots of support for us step mums  

Can I ask what your results are showing so far?


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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Thank you MrsGorilla 

So far all I've gathered from the numerous blood tests, ultra sounds, bring prodded and studied is that my progesterone level is too low so my follicles aren't maturing. 
All my home ovulation kits have come back negative.

I have to wait until September to see the fertility specialist in my area and the wait is killing me.

I'm probably making myself worse but sometimes I don't want to talk to my bf because I don't want to bother him with my crazy emotional state!


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## Hannahsauntie (Sep 26, 2013)

Hi eevee, I just want to tell you you have come to the right place, I too like you felt so lonely in my quest to become a mum. I felt I couldn't talk to my dh and he was so devastated as our infertility was due to his very low sperm count and motility. My sister and brother both had 4 kids between them and my dhs brother had just had a little boy when we got wed. It was heartbreaking and I became an emotional wreck. 
I did find it in me to sit down and talk to dh eventually and he took me on a break away to reconnect. I also found myself on here and I cannot begin to tell you how much support I got from the wonderful ladies on here. 
If you need to vent or if you need to pour out your heart we are all in his together and will give you a huge shoulder to cry on and give you a virtual hug...also you will find an awful lot of information about your own fertility issues and avenues you can pursue. 
I want to wish you the best of luck in your journey and I hope you don't feel as alone now you have found your way here x


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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Hannasauntie,

Thank you sooooo much for such a nice message! I was a little scared when I added my post because this is the first place I've registered for.
I'm surprised at the support levels so far and it's just what I needed.

I feel like this is all I seem to talk about and I don't want to become obsessed by it but it's so hard!
We went away for The weekend camping which was so much fun but whenever we went to town it seemed everywhere I looked there was pregnant women or babies or toddlers and I just want a break from it all.
It's completely ridiculous but when we got home and I switched on the TV the first programme had a woman who just found out she was pregnant! Gimme a break!!!!!

Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate it x


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

I bet September feels like half a lifetime away Eevee! I know it does to me - that's when DH and I are having our transfer from our donor egg cycle. 

Like Hannahsauntie says, it can be very difficult to talk to your partner about everything that is happening. It's so difficult to raise your worries without them feeling like they are being blamed/attacked! Like Hannahsauntie, our infertility was (at first) due to DH - his vasectomy from his first marriage, then succesful/later failed reversal. It was very difficult for him to process, and I was almost relieved to find that I had problems too, to take the pressure off him! Even if your partner is fine fertility-wise, it is very difficult for him to cope with seeing you so sad. I must admit, I've just started to read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I have always avoided this book, never wanted to read it, but my boss keeps coming out with odd quotes from it like "man cave" and, given that I've just come through a very difficult time not really being able to talk to DH properly (ie, without breaking down in floods of tears/starting deep-and-meaningful conversations in the middle of the night), I thought it wouldn't hurt - well, so far, what a book! Must say it's probably a good job I'm not a feminist or anything, and there are a few points in there that make me cringe or have a big "REALLY?" flash up in my head (!) but overall, the advice, and the insights, have been great for me and very eye-opening. Must say that I've downloaded it on my kindle though so DH doesn't know I'm reading it!  

Have you any plans for the summer, to help the time pass? I'm trying to keep up with some swimming and eating healthily, and looking after my relationship with DH ready for transfer and what may be from that. 

Hopefully you will have already found some information on here about low progesterone levels and ways to help. You've already taken a big step in getting to the GP, getting tests done, and getting an appointment booked. Playing the waiting game though is so difficult, because you don't feel like you're really doing anything - hopefully in September after your appointment you'll have a plan and will feel more positive about moving forward, however that may be.


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## ScaryButExciting (Jan 29, 2015)

Big hug! You are not alone! 

Need to go to sleep, but did not want to read and run...


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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Well, yesterday I went to the hospital in Hexham with my mam and I had my ultrasound scan to check my womb and ovaries. It was quicker than I thought it would be! I was only in there about 10 minutes (much to my mams surprise as she was happy in the waiting too with a cup of tea and biscuits from the nurses lol)

I don't know what I expected but I thought I would know a lot more than I did. The nurse showed me my womb and right ovary which she said was showing all the signs of ovulation, which I was quite excited about, and my endometrial layer was quite thick but when I went home and did an ovulation test it was negative. I did one today and I couldn't tell if it was positive or negative!

I'm so confused! I'm excited that maybe my body is doing what it should but it just throws up more questions in my mind! Why is my numerous blood tests always showing low progesterone levels, why have I never ovulated before yet now it looks like I am?

My OH didn't go with me but he did ask me how it went when he got home from seeing his kids and I desperately wanted to talk to him and tell him how I felt but all I could keep saying was that I was fine.
I'm so frustrated with everything as well as myself for being ridiculously stubborn!!!!!!

Now I've just got to wait for another blood test next week. I know it's totally with it but I'm sick of being prodded and poked now! 
I just want things to be ok


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## Gemma2110 (Jun 29, 2015)

I hope you get some positive news from your results it's not fun having as you say to be Pineda prodded all the time. 
I am also new to this forum and it is great to have the support and advice from other women in our position. 
Your not alone in your feelings, I see pregnant women everywhere I go I feel like I have a radar! And 4 women at my work are pregnant and a friend of mine. As much as I'm happy for them i find it very frustrating for myself so don't think your alone with those feelings. I guess it's only natural. 

Good luck with everything. Xx


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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Some days, like today, I hate the world and everything in it!

My OH's brother and wife welcomed their first baby in to the world yesterday and instead of feeling happy, a wave of nausea and anger rushed over me and I haven't been able to shake it.

I feel so selfish, I genuinely don't want this to be all about me when the focus - quite rightly should be on them at this happy time- but my mind is just a blur of anger and I wonder what is wrong with me!?!?

Sorry everyone, I know this is simply a rant and not productive in the slightest. Just having a particularly dark day and need someone to talk to. xxx


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi Eevee, big hug to you. These days happen, we can't do anything about it. Self preservation is key. Let the feelings roll, don't fight them - they're perfectly natural and normal (although I know that doesn't make them feel any easier). Look after yourself, do what you want to do, and only do what you can cope with re: the New baby. In a few weeks the initial burst of activity surrounding a birth will have quietened down. Do you see them much normally? This is a difficult time, do whatever you need to do to get through Xx


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## ScaryButExciting (Jan 29, 2015)




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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate all the lovely comments and support.
I must sound like a terrible whinge! I swear I'm not always like this, it's just nice to be able to vent all the pent up frustrations and not be told to just get over it or I'm sure it'll happen if it's meant.

Love and hugs to you all

Goodnight x


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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Well, after keeping my fingers crossed and hoping against hope, all has been dashed again this month.
The familiar crampy twinges started and the heartbreak starts all over again


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Oh Eevee, I am so sorry


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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Thanks MrsGorilla.

To make matters worse, I was having a nosy on ******** last night (always good to find out some gossip) and there was a scan picture of a baby boy. The expectant mum and dad is my ex and his wife.
Married in September, first baby on the way.

I seriously hate the world right now!

Sorry I'm so miserable, sometimes just feel like I'm being kicked when I'm already down


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hey Eevee,  

You have ever right to feel down at the moment. Your dreams are not coming true while others around you are sailing on through life being given everything on a silver platter-or at least that is how it can feel! You're grieving Eevee and need time to recover. Look after yourself, (stay off ********!!) and be kind to yourself. Do any of your close friends know what is happening with you at the moment? 
Sometimes you just have to go with the low feelings, knowing that they will lift in time.


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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi MrsGorilla,

Thank you for being so understanding.

I know, I'm not a fan of ******** and don't tend to use it that often- mostly just to keep in touch with old friends who have moved away or laugh at funny cat videos.

I don't really have that many close friends- pathetic I know- and sometimes it makes it worse because you feel trapped. I have wonderful colleagues and they're understanding, I chat with the ladies on my team but it's not the same.

I just feel so confused because I dont feel I have the right to feel like this and I know the grass isnt always greener and maybe I'm just being a spoilt brat because I want what others have but the ache inside hurts so much. For a 30 year old, independent little miss it's hard to live with.
To top it all off my BF hurt his back and has been like a bear with a sore head the last couple of weeks so there's no point in bringing any of this up.

You have no idea how much I appreciate everyone's understanding and patience, it makes the loneliness a little easier to bear. 
 xx


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Eevee,
I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch.  Sometimes it feels like everything is piling up in a cruel way. You will get through it, even if you feel like you are in a tunnel with no light. I feel like I lost a few lives myself during our IF journey...
One note about ********: I know a few people who have had trouble conceiving and now they're posting pictures of scans, bumps and babies as if nothing. Infertility is not a trendy subject of ** but given that about 1 in 6 couples has trouble having a baby, there is a chance some of your ** friends who seems to spread their happiness and luck, actually went through infertility.
Also, in the street, some of the annoying women walking around with their baby are actually some of us here, who managed to make their dream come true after years of treatments, miscarriages, news that they can't have a baby with their eggs or their partner's sperm, and other traumatising events.
Please don't lose faith or hope. With a bit of luck, you will get to the other side too. I know it's hard to get some perspective when one failure comes after another and people around seem to be having babies at the drop of a hat.
Maybe you should speak more to your partner. A hug and an 'I love you' can help a lot.
You're not alone.


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## Eevee (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Froggie82,

I know exactly what you mean and you're right, with social media you only see what people want you to see so they may have felt the same as I do now.
I genuinely don't begrudge anyone happiness but you have no idea of any struggle they went though to get there.

Just hoping there is some out there spare for us


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