# disabled single women, lesbian, hurdles with clinics?



## Chalice (May 20, 2006)

Hi, would be grateful for any advice, please;

Unfortunately, my partner has to go overseas soon due to complicated family issues, and i don't think she will be able to make it back over the next three months.  However, I still want to go ahead in that time with plans to inseminate at a clinic.  This worries me, as though I have researched clinics on the web which treat single women and lesbians, I've also heard that many clinics are prejudiced against single women with disabilities, and technically I am single, and I do have disabilities.  How could I prove I have a supportive partner if she's not with me?  Does anyone know how they screen women in my position?  I have been thinking of going to the Bupa hospital in Manchester.

blessings

Chalice


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

Hi Chalice, and welcome to the board. Do come and join us on the lesbians using donor sperm thread - it's not that the rest of the board isn't welcoming (it is ), but some of the issues you may face are some that others of us may have already gone through.

As to your question, the thing that struck me about your post was that you were presenting yourself as "technically single". To me, if you have a partner, even if she's going to be abroad for a few months, then you aren't single, and if you are planning to raise a child together, then I wouldn't present yourself as such, particularly if some issues that are raised by your disabilities will be addressed by your partner being there to share in the parenting.

My girlfriend hasn't been to that many of the clinic appointments with me over the past 15 months, because of her work commitments, and that hasn't been any kind of problem. Lots of women go to many clinic appointments on their own simply because it's so hard to take time out of both your schedules, together, to time in with your body's cycle. However, we did attend the initial consultations together, plus the compulsory counselling session, and I think that it's the latter that could prove the biggest hurdle to overcome. The counselling is _not _ to grill you for your reasons and justifications for wanting to become parents; it's more to make sure that you have thought about how you would deal with all the donor issues, and I'm sure that in your case, they would also want to talk about the practicalities of parenting with your disabilities, whatever they are.

I would suggest ringing the clinic ASAP and presenting them with your situation (make sure that you get to speak to someone who is able to give you a realistic picture, not just a receptionist). Depending on how soon your partner has to leave, perhaps it would be possible to get a counselling session very soon, even if you have to wait a bit longer before you get started on the rest of the clinic process. If not, I would suggest that you & your partner write a letter together outlining your intentions & reasoning, and perhaps it would be possible to have consultations/counselling where she takes part on the phone? If your partner has to go away to deal with family issues, that is not a reason for doubting her support - far from it.

Good luck!
Tamsin


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## Chalice (May 20, 2006)

Hi, thanks so much for your reply.  

The letter and call sound excellent advice, and I will go to that thread.

A lot of thought has gone into this decision to say the very least, but it is daunting to both of us to think of writing that letter - the exposing of a private dream, to possibly critical eyes. I feel vulnerable because there is so much prejudice against the disabled, which I have experienced in other circumstances - I experience very little understanding. But, anyway -

thanks again-

be back soon, Chalice


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## Mable (Apr 9, 2005)

Hi,
Excellent post there by Tamsin. Can't really add that much, just to say that I agree wholeheartedly with her points. It sounds like you aren't single and won't be a single parent. The counselling really is so mundane, I suppose the counsellor was having to show that we had considered various issues but to think that lesbians haven't considered/researched/mulled over all the 'issues' for months before embarking on this really is not to understand us at all. The same will be for your disability - you will have considered the 'issues' in much more depth than the counsellor.

We were surprised and delighted at the acceptance that we saw in the clinic and generally as parents now - I suppose we generally see surprise and intrigue - how did you do it? - what will you tell your child? what does he call you both? that kind of simple thing. Is it naive to say that people seem generally quite easy going about the whole thing? Perhaps it's a London thing - it depends where you live, I suppose.

See you on the other thread, if you like...
Mable


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## Chalice (May 20, 2006)

Hi Mable,

thanks for the reply. Yes, I will go on the other thread soon,

blessings

Chalice


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Hi Chalice,

I am a disabled woman and have not received any obvious discrimination in IVF clinics apart from the usual one of some clinics not being assessible to wheelchairs. 

My partner is a man so it is a different situation to your though. I know the ARGC in London discriminates against single women.

Wishing you all the very best!

Kindest regards,


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## Chalice (May 20, 2006)

thanks Flopsy


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## starrysky (Dec 6, 2004)

Hi,
We 'ditto' what the others have said.  

We too worried endlessly about getting referred to the clinic & the response we might have.  Still, we have not come across any issue with us as a couple at all.  Have also seen some disabled people arriving & being dealt with very positively.  The counselling, as Mable says was really something and nothing, we went well armed having thought through just about every issue from which of us would be treated to how we might cope with homophobic remarks to the child at school!  We like some of Lisa Saffron's writting about pregnancy & treatment for Lesbians, would recommend you have a look at that.

Do join the Lesbian thread, it always helps I think to feel less alone.

Good luck.

Heather.


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## irisbea (May 3, 2006)

it may be worthwhile getting a copy of the HFEA fertility guide as clinics that accept lesbians are listed in the clinics info. Also an initial screening call to possible clinics ie 'Does your clinic treat lesbian couples' may not be too painful ( you could even use email if this is easier for you.

It can be quite hard when people say they wont treat you for whatever reason ie because you are in a lesbian relationship but i think as long as you feel secure in the knowledge that you can parent well this will help to protect you from discrimination. Shop around and remember that these places are providing a service to you.


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## bagpuss1 (Feb 26, 2005)

Hi Chalice,

We too echo what the others have said. We had absolutely no problems with being accepted by our clinic. We also went to the initial appointment together but Helen was unable to go to all of our appointments also. 

If it helps, I actually went to two of our four inseminations on my own, the last of which was the one that was successfull. I actually found it easier to cope with on my own as I was not worrying about how Helen was feeling and felt more relaxed, of course I would have rather have had some company but it did work in my favour!!

Have a look on the pink parents web site for lesbian friendly clinics.

Good luck,

Kerry and Edie.


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## janie77 (Jun 3, 2006)

Hi Chalice

I read in your message that you were thinking of going to the BUPA Hospital in Manchester.  If your looking for a Manchester based clinic, then Manchester Fertility Services (MFS), do treat same sex couples.

Good luck!!
Jane


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