# First BFN, and i just can't pick myself back up.



## levin (Jan 9, 2006)

Hi everyone,

Just had my first round of ICSI and was due to test on Sunday, unfortunately though AF started on Thursday and i havent stopped crying since   . I always thought of myself as quite a strong person, and when everyone was getting excited about my ICSI i was being very rational and telling everyone it might not work first time, a few people commented that i seemed to have a good outlook and that if it didnt work they knew i would pick myself back up and i would be alright. Only thing is, now its happened i can't seem to pick myself back up at all, im a complete wreck, im crying all the time and at the moment i just cant see the point in having any more treatment because if this didnt work i dont see how it could ever work. Everything went perfectly with my cycle, my womb lining was really thick, the nurses commented how lovely my embryos looked - yet it still didnt work so whats going to be different next time.
Im supposed to be at work today but i just couldnt face talking to any customers so ive come home sick, i was feeling a little bit ill but i just used that as an excuse because i really couldnt face being there. At the moment i feel like ive got nothing to live for, and i know thats a stupid thing to say because ive got the most wonderful DH, who is so supportive and is so upset as well - i never expected to feel this way.
Sorry to rant, just needed to get that off my chest.

Love Leanne x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Awww Leanne i'm so sorry hun, getting a BFN is so hard to deal with. try not to put too much pressure on yourself to pick yourself up. it's going to take time and you need to allow yourself to grieve for your embies. don't even think about future tx at the minute allow your self time to geto grips with your bfn

pam xx


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## allyjo (Jun 18, 2007)

Hi

I know slightly how you feel. I had my first Ivf cycle which resulted in a BFN on Friday.  My work is incredably short and I as team leader going through this has left them much shorter. this is not the first time that me not being pregnant has meant that I am unable to function at work. But that is so cold comfort now. 

I know this was only my first attempt at IVF and we have planned that we will try at least 2 more times if necessary so this is very not last chance saloon, but WHY am I acting like it is.

I went back to work today and had to leave again because I was being sick. It appears thats what I do when hormonal and I just have to get used to is. mostly I cope and work on but every now and then it wipes the carpet from under me as it did again to day, between that and the uncontrollable tears I was forced to leave

I've only had to tell 3 people directly that this did n't work and I've ended up balling my eyes out. ( the rest was text message - thank GOD for technology).  

I float being periods of being incredible lucid and distrat but mostly sad that my embryos didn't make it and that I was unable to safely carry them for 9 months.  

I am sorry that this became my rant and rave but maybe it help knowing that others are struggling with normal life and accepting that this time was not ours yet.


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## M.T.B (May 31, 2007)

Hi

so sorry to both of you for your BFN i too know how you feel our st ivf was a BFN and took me about a week before i stopped crying fortunately my gp was very understanding and signed me off work and have just got back from holiday and feel much more positive now.

Dont beat yourself up you need time to come to terms with things.

Better luck next time fingers crossed

xxx


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## levin (Jan 9, 2006)

Allyjo - Hiya hun, so sorry you're feeling the same way that i am at the moment - so sorry for your BFN, i can understand how devastated you're feeling. You sound to be coping exactly the same as me, i couldnt face being at work yesterday which left them short staffed and im the manager as well so i know it didnt look very professional, but to be honest i would have been no good to them if i'd been there. Ive decided to use a holiday day on saturday and DH is going to take me away somewhere for the weekend - im hoping this will give me a bit of a break from feeling like this and hopefully i might feel a bit better and refreshed when i come back.
I text messaged most people like you also, i only told the girls at work face to face and thats because i was crying my eyes out, everyone else received texts - it sounds silly but i feel embarassed to see any of them at the moment. Like you im also distraught that my embies couldnt stay with me, i have a video of them on my mobile phone - they were my babies and now they're gone, i want to delete the video but i just cant do it at the moment. I really, really hope we both start to feel a bit better soon and that next time we get those bfp's we long for.

Saphy and Cooter - Thankyou so much for your messages, i know i need time to grieve properly - i guess im just shocked how badly its affected me but i know this is how everyone must feel when they get a bfn, im just glad i have lovely people like yourselves to discuss this with, i dont know what id do without the girls on this site.

Love Leanne x


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## bodia (Apr 27, 2005)

Hi Girls,

Just popping in to give you a big  

I had my 1st IVF in Jan, and I can totally identify what you are feeling. It took me a long long time to feel anywhere near OK again; although I didn;t cry all the time, I kept it bottled up for a long while. I think you have to grieve, I am still sad that I lost my beautiful embies.

In time you will start to feel stronger. It's so hard because however good your friends are they won't understand it unless they have been through it themselves.

This website is amazing, and you will find people here who can support you, inspire you and pick you up when you need a friend.

Wishing you all the luck in the world...take your time and support each other.

xxx


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## skiwizard (May 20, 2007)

Hi Levin 

I am so sorry you're feeling dreadful. Hope I can help a bit with my story.

I had my 1st BFN with ICSI and I was absolutely devastated. It was just after Christmas. I cried for a couple of days and then I made myself pick up the phone and call to arrange a follow-up appointment for ICSI No. 2. I did feel alot better actually. I couldnt just sit about feeling sorry it hadnt worked, I had to make it work by moving quickly on to the next step. I was blessed with a BFP on my 2nd ICSI attempt.

I wanted to have another baby so I arrange for a FET last month which sadly ended in a BFN, but once again, on test day, I rang the Clinic and arranged my follow-up appointment for Fet No. 2. I am now medicating and waiting for transfer day.

I know people deals with BFNs differently but perhaps after a few tears, a phone call to arrange another go might just lift your spirits and give you strength and hope to carry on to No.2. It will give you something else to concentrate on and something to look forward to after such a devastating blow.

All the best Levin. Keep in touch with FF. Let us know how you are. 

Trish x


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## Mother Hen (May 22, 2007)

Leanne

I clearly can't offer you advice, but just wanted to send you lots of  . I'm sure that goes for all the other May/June Sunbeams too. You were so supportive and positive for us all. I do so hope you find the strength to go on with treatment and that you get your dream.

You and DH take very good care of each other. I think the weekend away sounds a good idea.

Much love

Mother Hen
xxx


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