# Single adoption whilst in a relationship?



## _milly_ (Aug 16, 2011)

Hi there, this is my first ever post on here! By way of introduction, I’m 43 and don’t have any children.  I have always wanted children of my own but mine is a familiar story of simply not meeting the right man at the right time.

My partner (aged 50) and I have been together for 5 years now.  We tried naturally for a child for a number of years before trying fertility treatment. We abandoned the first cycle due to a poor response but during the second cycle my partner threw a wobbly and refused to carry on. Whilst this was difficult at the time, it has made me realise that having my own biological child is not that important to me.  More than ever, I want to be a parent and make a difference to the life of a child/children who through no fault of their own have the most dreadful start in life.

My partner only went through with the IVF because I persuaded him to. He has two children (16 & 19) from a previous marriage and doesn’t really want any more. If it had happened naturally, then he would have been ok with it, but the whole IVF process was just too much for him. 

He loves his children and is a very good dad. Since his marriage ended he has continued to share childcare 50/50 with his ex-wife. He lives with me for a week, then lives in his own home 150 miles away with his children for the other week. In two years though, when his youngest goes to university, the plan is that he will sell up and move in with me.

I can understand why he doesn’t want any more children; he has a demanding job, he lives a split life living in two different towns 150 miles apart, he is a single parent to two teenagers when they are with him and he has the imminent financial burden of two children going to university.

I love him dearly, but I feel that there is a huge hole in my life. I get on well with his children, but given the distance and their age there’s no maternal fulfilment for me there. My partner understands my need to have children and he wants to support me in my application to adopt - he just knows that he can’t take on the emotional or financial responsibility for any more children himself – that would be down to me. On the positive side he would be an excellent role model and would be a key element of my support network. 

To very briefly cover other important issues;  I’m fit and healthy, I’ve paid off my mortgage and have no debts, I’m self employed and could take a break of several years if needed, I’ve got two spare bedrooms, my support network and childcare experience would need some work.

So to summarize, I would be making a single person adoption application even though I’m in a long term relationship.  Would I be wasting my time? Would I need to end my relationship if I am to have any hope of having a family of my own? I would be really grateful to hear anyone’s views / experience of this.

Many thanks for taking the time to read my post x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi Milly,

Just a quick answer, but I didn't want to read and run.

Not having adopted under your circumstances I can only offer my opinion but I'm sure as you are in a significant long term relationship your partner will need to be assessed to some extent (even if you don't live together).
Hopefully others will be along with some first hand experience of this, and I may be wrong but knowing how thorough (and rightfully so) the process is, plus as he is your partner and therefore would have a relationship with any future child placed with you I would imagine that they will want to involve him in the assessment.
I'm sorry, I know this probably isn't the answer you want to hear.

I'm sure if you call your Local Authority adoption service team they will be able to give you advice on this point.

I wish you lots of luck with whichever path you decide to take.   

Anj x


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi Milly,

As far as I'm aware, you can only make an application as a single adopter if you're single (being in a long term, stable relationship would mean you don't meet the fundamental criteria for single adoption).  

During preparation and assessment, you become very aware of the difference between adoption and having a birth child. Children in care, first and foremost, need stability and undivided commitment. I suspect (having gone through the process myself) that what you're proposing would be deemed a recipe for disaster by an assessing social worker (i.e. placing a looked after child with two people, in a relationship and living together, when only one of the two wants the child). It would be deemed a recipe for disaster for the child btw, not for you – because you quickly learn in this process that your needs are incidental as far as SW's are concerned! It has to be that way though, because the key objective in adoption is finding a family to suit child(ren), not finding child(ren) to suit a family.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, I realise this isn't what you wanted to hear.

D x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Hi Milly  

At the end of the day, you're only going to be 100% sure if you call round a few agencies.  Or maybe write to them, as your post here is really eloquent and sensible, and lays out your situation clearly.  It may be worth exploring whether he can participate in assessment, but you're the only one who applys for full parental responsibility, in the same way that single adopters often have other family members participate in some way in assessment, because they're going to be a major help with care in future.

If there's one thing I've learned through this process, it's that even social workers don't always agree on what's allowable and what's not.  But most of them will say that their interpretation is the right answer!  

I would suggest that Voluntary Agencies might be more flexible than Local Authorities. 

I can't agree that our needs are incidental to Social Workers.  We went into the process assuming that was the case, and have been surprsied!  Ours has reminded us throughout to consider our needs as parents, and to make decisions on that basis, too.

There are thousands of children needing placement and only hundreds of adopters coming through the system.

Good luck.


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## cohensmummy (Aug 24, 2011)

Hello,

I don't Have a clue how you will get on but hope that you get te answers you need ad sending a big supportive   xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hello

This sounds complicated and difficult for you   . However, I would very much agree with Daizy   . 

Unfortunately to get assessed as a single adopter in the UK, you need to be single.  As you have a partner of 5 years and are in an ongoing relationship, you would need to be assessed as a couple.  As your partner is not on board with all this, I think you would struggle to get your foot in the door   
 

All that said, none of us are Social Workers so it is still always worth an enquiry  

X


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi Milly - I'm afraid this doesn't sound promising. I am a single adopter and my social worker has told me to make sure I don't date anyone or get into any kind of relationship during the process otherwise she will have to assess them too!! So for a long term relationship such as yours I have no doubt that it would have to be taken into account in some way.


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## _milly_ (Aug 16, 2011)

Thank you all very much for your replies. 

I rang a VA a few days ago and explained my circumstances exactly as I explained it here. She said my situation ‘isn’t unheard of’ and went through a short questionnaire with me. I was completely honest and it didn’t seem to put her off. She has since posted me some additional information together with an application form.

I’ve subsequently analysed my own situation from every angle and deep down I know that I’m going to struggle through the process as things stand.  So.....  I’m having to make the agonising decision over what is more important to me – my relationship or being a mum. Aaaargh!!!

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

x


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi Milly, I am not in your situation but does your partner know, the situation would be difficult with regards to adoption if he is not committed? What I am trying to get at is....if at the end of the day you have to choose between adoption or your partner, what would your partner's view be? Would it get him thinking a bit more with potential of him being more involved?
Hope this helps in some way. I'm sorry if it doesn't. I am just thinking, sometimes when it comes to a decision as big and as important as this then sometimes views can be changed. 
Good luck.


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi Milly what a terrible quandary. The way I look at things is: my gran is 94 and was very spritely up til recently but is now confined to a chair after a stroke despite being very with it still. She sits there day after day and has lots of visitors (her children and grandchildren) and I often wonder what she thinks about all day and night (she can't see the TV) and we often reminisce about the past. 

I just think - if that was me - what do I want to be looking back on that I did with my life? Who do I want around me? What regrets would I have or not have?  Would I feel proud of the things I'd done in my life? etc

Hope that helps in some random way lol!!


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