# Support for the low times



## SuzieW (Jul 15, 2010)

Hi ladies,

I'm going through what feels like a particularly low patch at the moment feeling a bit like my support network has broken down (those who did understand's circumstances have changed, so now they can't empathise anymore)

I always come away from FF feeling stronger for knowing that I'm not alone in all this, but because my treatment plans keep changing I can't seem to find a permanent home to build longer term relationships with others in a similar place (and it feels like I'm in this for the long haul!)

Is there anyone else in a similar boat that wants to support each other?  I'm sorry if this all sounds a bit pathetic, but I have read so many posts on this thread in particular that sound like they could have come out of my own mouth but there doesn't seem to be an ongoing support/chatter thread here (which is kind of what I came looking for)

Big hugs and    to you all xx


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## MrsNormie (Jul 30, 2010)

hi

i remember that feeling your feeling, I am so sorry your support network isn't there for you anymore, its so hard when u feel so alone. What i used to do when i felt like you was go into the room that would of been my nursery, taken out a couple of baby clothes i had and look at them, to remind me why i was doing this to myself.

I hope u find some support soon xxxx


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## Geordie_chick (Oct 18, 2008)

Oh Suzie, my sympathies.  I've been away from IVF since March last year as we've been having immunology tests so it's been such a long time between treatments and yes it moves so fast on this board it's hard to keep 'hold' of people sometimes.


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## mooers (Feb 19, 2011)

Hi Suzie

I know what you mean. I've been through Clomid, and am about to start IUI. I've spent time on several boards, but you're right, it can be difficult to get to know people when you're changing between ttc naturally, then clomid, then back to naturally, then IUI! Maybe we need to start a new thread on here or something?

You're more than welcome to PM me if you ever fancy a chat.


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## SuzieW (Jul 15, 2010)

Hi ladies,

Thanks so much for replying.  I thought no one was going to so stopped checking until just now.  It's been about 3 months that I've been in this low - the trigger was my youngest SIL announcing an effortless pregnancy, which obviously changed the support and understanding I got from DH and older SIL who cannot understand the anger and bitterness I have felt towards othe SIL (their little sister) constantly since the announcement.  Older SIL was a big factor in my support network as she has also been going through fertility treatment so has been the one person that could empathise, but this situation has caused tension and now their last cycle of IVF has been successful (which I am pleased for them about, but it still breaks my heart).  Don't want to expand circle of those who know our situation, which isn't many, so just sometimes feel like I've got nowhere to go when I need.

I've started counselling through the fertility centre, I've only had one session though and it's not exactly a miracle cure.  I've also got the Alice Domar book that the counsellor recommended, but again I don't feel like I've got any new insights from it (yet - I'm not halfway through yet so maybe I'm expecting too much! Will keep going). I wish I could shake these angry feelings.  I know all the sensible rationale, positive thinking, other people have troubles too etc etc, but so far it doesnt work.  Most of all I'm worried about driving a wedge between DH and I as so far he's being exceptionally patient with me but thats bound to run out at some point.

Please feel free to share your blues with me too - I didn't intent this to be all about me, more a place for people who need a bit of support but aren't sure what board to stay with, but someone's got to go first  

Sxx


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## swissgirl (Feb 27, 2010)

Hi SuzieW


I completely understand your postion. I've had so many failures now that I've pretty much stopped telling people that I'm doing an IVF cycle because it's too painful having to tell them all that it's failed. As a result, no-one knows or understands how I'm feeling right now. I feel that I've only got my DH and my Mum in on the loop and to share my pain. DH is finding it so hard and doesn't know what to say to me. 


The hardest thing is that I love my DH but I feel as though he isn't enough...i.e. I feel that there is a place missing in my family, in my heart and he can't fill that, however much he loves me. I think he understands that but it still makes him wobble a bit. It's just...the pain I feel right now is too intense and I can't......


Well...it's difficult to write how I feel. I often find it hard writing on these boards about my feelings and offering people support but I always feel support from just reading other peoples stories and words of wisdom.


I hope you start to find some inner strength to cope with everything
Swissgirl x


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## kitten77 (Nov 15, 2006)

hi all

unfortunatly i know all to well how your feeling, you hit that low and feel that nothing can bring you out of it, but......it does. 

the age old situation of familys getting pregnant and feeling out of the loop, awful isnt it, and it feels double worse as you know your sil has had fertility problems and her ivf worked.....but you still cant stop feeling jealous, and it makes it double worse as then you feel bad about feeling jealous and should feel happy....but dont, you cant help how you feel and what i always say is that i am happy for them but just sad for me. 

im a old timer here, ive had 6 filed txs, each one is hard but still i either become numb to the pain or learn to deal with it, but this took me a long time to learn i can tell you that. 

when you say about a piece missing from your family i understand this to. i have had friends become pregnant, now on second or third, family members have thier kids....and me and DH still feel in that same old place and we are never going to get out of it.  we are the people they feel they have to invite places but dont really want us there as we dont have kids, ive been through most situations/hurtful comments, and its unbelieveable how people can be to ignorant to the pains of IF, but they are....as they havent experienced it and until you do no matter how many people say they understnad.......they dont and could never understand. 

i dont know what i have written to be honest i have just typed, dont know if it is helpful at all or not.  but im here if you want to chat, the old ivf timer, and i know i can help you through the down times....keep on talking! 

massive hugs. Kitten x


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## SuzieW (Jul 15, 2010)

Kitten - you're so right about the bit about how we get invited to 'family events' and you just know that they have discussed whether or not to invite you when they've been coming up with the list, because you don't have kids.  And the irony is, they're probably not the kind of events you want an invite too either becaus when you get there you stick out like a sore thumb because you're the only ones at a kids' party or family fun day or whatever without any kids!  Been there so many times, but trouble is now all our friends have had kids, that is what our social lives revolve around.  While I not want to lose touch with these good friends, I'd love to have a group of friends where kids just didn't feature on the agenda.  I guess for those who end up having to deal with this as a fait accompli, you end up building new groups of friends in a similar situation, by choice or otherwise.

I think the social stigma and expectation of it all is one of the things that makes IF so hard, because on top of the personal hurt, people's reaction is alays that you're not normal for having kids and it's generally one of the first people people ask you about when making small talk (at our age!). If you had a sensitive medical condition, people wouldn't bring it up in the first conversation they had with you!

Swissgirl - it is hard when DH is all you would want him to be, but it's like 2 don't make a family.  I love my DH so much and I worry about IF driving a wedge between an otherwise great relationship and I wonder if I should be careful what I wish for as I'd rather be happy just bring the 2 of us than be on my own, but as much as the logical thinking is all there, you just cant stop wanting something more.

 to you both and share whatever it helps you to share x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

just bumping this and stickying it. Feel free to use this thread for support for those times when you're finding it particularly difficult.



C~x


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## SuzieW (Jul 15, 2010)

Kitten - I just popped back on here and saw from your signature about your surise BFP! Congratulations Miracles do happen!! Keep safe and lots of luck


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## kitten77 (Nov 15, 2006)

Thanks Susie, yes after 5 years ttc and 6 failed icis's and months and months if fertility monitors.... It happened, miricles do happen. Am very scared and take one day at time, but i never believed it would happen after so many fails, we nearly gave up hope in the down times, they were so sad and never Thot get out of it, but kept a small bit of hope..... And we were blessed.


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## LoopyMoo (Feb 3, 2010)

Hi everyone

After having to decide to not have our two lovely blasts transferred on 7th Nov due to fears about OHSS, I'm just so depressed.  I don't think the fact that my manager at work told me 2 wks ago that she is pregnant has helped matters either.  This will be the 4th pregnancy in 5 years that I've had to watch at work   I'm happy for her but found out a few days ago that everyone else had known 2 wks before I did and I'm her supervisor!!!  For some reason this really hurts, it would have been easier to handle had she of told me along with everyone else   

We have 3 blasts frozen and am waiting to find out when we can start our final attempt.  Feeling the pressure and enormity of it all.  If that doesn't work, then that's it for us


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## SuzieW (Jul 15, 2010)

Loopy,

Sending you big    this evening - I know that feeling oh so well of ANOTHER pregnancy announcement when no one else can understand why you wouldn't think it was good news.  The hardest thing with work colleagues is that you have no choice but to see them every day as they get more and more pregnant: friends and family members can be avoided.  I take it from what you wrote about everyone else knowing before you that they know your situation? I hope that your manager can be sensitive towards you: maybe you can explain to her that it's really difficult for you to hear details about her pregnancy and while you wish her well, you need to stay off that topic.  You need to do what you can to protect yourself as sadly others won't get it so you need to be selfish.

I hope things pick up for you.  The fact you have FEs that have made it to blast us fantastic news - your time will come xx


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## LoopyMoo (Feb 3, 2010)

Thanks Susie, I really don't know how I would have coped over the last year or so if it wasn't for the support and understanding from everyone on here, I really don't know how I'd have coped!  

I feel bad for my manager as she is understandably over the moon and feels unable to talk to me about her pregnancy but I know her reasons for doing so are to try to protect me.  She did let slip today though that she is still smoking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I've had a little cry about that


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