# I don't know how to head this topic - sorry



## Anon (May 24, 2005)

Hello 

I have been in contact with my LA regarding adoption.  They were very approachable and informative but said that because of our ages, me 39 and husband 50, we would probably only be considered for older children.  We talked about the children and how it is nearly always the case that they have 'lots of history'.  Sorry, I don't know what words to use, its such an emotional and difficult thing to discuss.  The Social Worker mentioned children with parents who have had drug or alcohol problems, children with parents who have psychiatric problems, children with learning difficulties and children who have suffered forms of mental and/or physical abuse.  My husband and I are talking this over as we think that with the right training and support we have the ability to give a child a loving and stable home.  But, to be honest, I think the mention of all of these problems scares us a little.  If anyone has any thoughts or similar experiences and is willing to share them with us we would be very grateful.  

I hope I've made sense.

Many thanks

Anon


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

Hi

I don't have any experience I'm afraid, but I would recommend reading @THe Adoption Experience' by Ann Morris.  It is basically a book full of real life exerpts written by the adopters.

I am sure that with the correct support and networks plus guidance you would be able to provide these child/children with the chance in life that they deserve.

Good luck

T x


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## van (Sep 18, 2004)

Hi
I don't know whether you have considered it... but have you thought about international adoption?  The age range isn't so strict for international adoption and it is likely that you would still be able to adopt a young child.

We were told that were we to adopt in the UK then we would only be able to adopt an older child, which we are not willing to consider as we have ds, so we are currently going through the homestudy for international adoption from China 

just a thought
Van
XX


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Hi 

my friend has adopted 2 gilrs from the same birth mother who is a drug addict, the eldest one has hep C but has not been affected by her mothers addiction and both her and her sister are delightful girls.    There are severe ends of the spectrum and its hard to decide where to draw that line of "how affected by their upbringing" these children will be.

Good luck in your quest. xx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Anon

When you go through the process there is a list of things that you have to say if you would consider, would not consider or would consider if given more information.  You are not forced to take any child whose background you do not feel able to cope with or that you are not able to explain to them in later life.  

One thing I can say is there's no preparation for the real thing!!!  I would call it advice about identifying how adoptive children differ to birth children.  The prep course does open your eyes to these issues and I would thoroughly recommend the book that Milktray mentioned.

When matched to a child you are given full information about their circumstances and are quite at liberty to say No if you do not feel it is the right match.

Hope this helps
Good luck
Karen x


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## Anon (May 24, 2005)

Thanks to all you ladies who have replied with your thoughts. We shall get the book that you recommended. Another thing I'm concerned about is the medical. DH is fit as a fiddle but I have had some depression in the past and my medical record in regard to this is not good. I know that this experience has made DH and I stronger and more empathetic to others who have difficulties but our initial chat with an agency was not very positive. If anyone has thoughts on this I'd be really pleased to hear them. I think I read on one of these threads that someone else was concerned about the medical as well. If that person is reading this are you able to share your thoughts? Please don't worry if they are too private and you don't want to.

many thanks to you

Anon


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

I can understand how you feel about your medical, I am dreading mine too.  I have Crohns Disease and so I am really concerned that this will go against me.  I know that their real concern is that you are healthy enough to see the child/children into adulthood.

I hope everything goes ok for you.

T x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Anon

I think they have an expectation that anyone who has gone through if and tx will have had some form of anxiety, stress related illness, assuming that your depression is linked to this.  As T said what they want to be sure of is that you can offer a stable home environment that would see the child into adulthood.

Good luck
Karen x


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## bubs (Apr 3, 2004)

hi all ,i am so glad that someone has brought the subject of health up as it is something that really worries me .my husband has hepatitis c but is in perfect health otherwise ,it doesnt affect him in any way.we are in the middle of ivf with my sister as egg donor but to be honest i would have stopped trying ages ago if i thought we would definitely get a child through adoption .we had always talked of adopting even before we knew we had problems so its not a second best option for us. i am so scared that if this attempt doesnt work we go down the adoption route and get refused because of his hep c. what would we do then? i just cant imagine life without children.

does anyone out there know if the adoption agencies have a list of illnesses etc that prevent you from adopting .i read about one girl here who was having problems because she had diabeties ,how ridiculous! if we get turned down by one agency could we then try another?if anyone has any ideas i would love to hear them

take care y'all
bubs


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Bubs

The adoption agencies do tend to tread carefully on the health issue as some children come into care on the basis that their parents have health concerns and cannot look after themselves let alone the health and welfare of a child.  It is always advisable to speak to the agency first to get their thoughts on this rather than go through the whole process then get to the medical and it prevents you going further.

Good luck
Karen x


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## casey (Sep 26, 2004)

Anon - just to answer your first question - i am a social worker and work within a child protection team. although the children do have backgrounds like you describe, they also have lots of positive features - its best to think of them as you would any other child or teenager and don't focus on their negatives. i have placed children with very sad backgrounds with permanent carers and within a couple of months they are like different children - happier, sociable, smiley, 
If i was adopting or fostering, i would have not have hesitated to care for the same children (hope that bit makes sense)
your prep course and talking to other adopters and the social worker will be helpful to you -
i'd ask about siblings too - pften an older child will have a younger siblings and s/w often try to avoid splitting up siblings 
good luck - 
casey
good luck


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