# Secret Sorrow



## Becky.milner (May 7, 2011)

Hi - This is my first post…ever…on any forum which makes me a virgin… obviously not literally but here goes!

I’m 31 my DH is 36 and has NOA, we were told yesterday that due to his high FSH level it would appear no sperm is being made and advised not to have a biopsy due to the risks of him having a hormone deficiency afterwards would outweigh the likelihood of finding viable sperm, needless to say we are both stunned, gutted and totally unprepared for this result as we were advised the appointment was going to be a routine checkup before being put on a waiting list for sperm retrieval.  

My brother and his partner are expecting there 1st child in September and my DH’s sister is expecting her 1st early next year, its such a bitter pill to swallow, my mum is going to be a grandmother for the 1st time and I love my family to bits but how do you swallow down your emotions when faced with the excitement you see in those you love preparing for what you want so bad your heart aches. I love them too much to take one ounce of happiness away from them but at the same time I don’t know if I'm going to be able to control myself when my little nephew is born, I'm interested to find out how other people cope with this secret sorrow?


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

Hi Becky,

I haven't posted on here for ages but I saw your post and had to reply. So sorry about your diagnosis and hope you don't have too long to wait before you take the next step.

My dh and I had been ttc for 6 years when my sister announced she was pg. The birth of my nephew coincided with my first IVF treatment which failed. I had struggled previously with many of my friends being pg, to the extent that I avoided seeing new born babies. However, it was different when my nephew was born. I love my sis so much and that extended to my nephew. Anytime I struggled with my feelings I told her, for example when it was his first Xmas day (2 wks after tx had failed) I left my parents' house early and they understood. Hopefully you too have the kind of family that understands your feelings and you are able to be open? You may be surprised by how your feelings change when you meet your nephew so try not to worry too much about it at the moment. Be kind to yourself, you have a lot to deal with at the moment


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## hopefull LM (Jun 6, 2011)

hi 

sorry to here yours news i felt how you are feeling my Bf of 9 years was told he had nothing at all
we was so upset by this it does take some time but be strong for each other there matbe other options
i am haveing iui... every where you go are babies some times i could cry but i am staying positive

good luck big hug xxx


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## pinkcat (Dec 3, 2008)

Welcome to FF, Becky.milner ! This is a great website for support, information, laughter and friendship. It helped me a great deal throughout my treatment. Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help.

My husband also has azoospermia and high FSH so I understand how devestating it is to hear that news.  We did not have sperm retrieval and instead opted to proceed with treatment with donor sperm. It is a big decision to make and you may well not want to even think about it yet but if you do there is a whole section on FF with loads of info for you.

Yes it is really hard to watch other people have babies when you want one so badly yourself. FF is a good place to come and share those feelings with people who understand.

Here are some links I think you may find helpful

Fertility Information Guides 
click here

Male Factors
click here

Donor sperm/eggs 
click here

You may want to start a diary of your fertility journey 
click here

The What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) thread will give you some info on how to navigate the site 
click here

If you look on the main forum index you will find location boards. You can find others in your area, and even people going to the same clinic who will provide invaluable advice - some groups even have meet ups.

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support and information.

Pinkcat


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## kiteflyer (May 13, 2011)

Hi Becky

I just want to send you lots of   as I know how heartbreaking it is. My brother is expecting his first in November and although me and my DP have only been trying for 8 months it really crushed me when I found out. We are only just embarking on the fertility journey and I'm not looking forward to it   but all I want is a baby....a family.

My DP is very supportive but I don't really think he understands how I feel as he already has a DD from a previous relationship, and he tells me they got pg straight away which really makes me feel useless. He also says I should  be excited about my brothers baby but all I want to do is avoid him  

All we can do is keep trying


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

It is devastating to be told there is no hope.    

My DH was stunned and shocked to discover the problem was mainly with him in 2005 as he already had a 10 year old child from a previous relationship (calling into question all sorts  ). 

His FSH was 37, but he still went for surgical biopsy (total of 6 samples taken) over 2 procedures. Not one sperm was found, but we did have confirmation that he had the cells necessary for sperm production and the problem was maturation arrest, so with relief it meant he could have been fertile in the past.
If he had been diagnosed with sertoli only cell then that would mean his child was not his and that would have had serious repercussions.

Anyway, he totally blocked the idea of a donor for 3 years and I was so desperate for a baby (a 30 year or more life dream) that we decided to part. He came back to me after 3 months and agreed to a donor. These were very, very difficult years of our lives.

Anyway, although he is still not completely comfortable with the donor idea, we are meeting our baby boy on the 21st June and I could not be happier.

You are not alone in all your feelings. I have cried buckets and been suicidal on more than one occasion. Friends children, family comments, the hopelessness. I cannot tell you the sorrow. Having cried for 72 hours non stop when my best friend told me she was pregnant, I know how you feel. Having said that, when the babies have arrived, I have loved holding them, caring for them and looking at it as practice for when I found my solution. It is much worse for some reason when the woman is pregnant, compared to when the baby is here. I don't know why, but it has happened many times to me over the years. 

But you can find a solution eventually that suits you. It takes time to readjust and reassess the options after accepting the news and grieving what you cannot have. 

Come and join us on the donor boards where I am the volunteer where you can explore your feelings and options in a safe place.

What are your initial thoughts on other options? It can be hard to think straight initially, but things will come clearer as time goes by.

One book I would recommend is ''Conquering Infertility'' by Alice Domar - it helps you to find relaxation techniques to help you to control the emotions and find a way to cope. It transformed my life and feelings. I did the Mind/Body course at the Bridge Centre based on the work of Domar and it has given me my life back and 9 friends who understand.

Another thing - if you are thinking of having treatment, don't let them ignore your diagnostic work up as they ignored me for a while having found such a severe problem in DH and it turned out I had blocked tubes too, so I had to have IVF/ICSI to conceive even with a donor.


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## Becky.milner (May 7, 2011)

Hi, 

I wanted to say that although Im lucky to have great friends and family who I know I can call on day or night and who are incredibly supportive (one of which suggested why not try a forum, which is why Im here!!) I have found all of your posts really helpful. 

Knowing that there are people out there feeling or have felt the way I do is really comforting, I read 1 in 7 couples have infertility problems, therefore we are pretty outnumbered, we dont have any friends who can relate to what we are going through so to be part of this community who understand I feel is going to help us enormously on our journey, whoever created this site should be very proud of themselves.


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi Becky - welcome hun - I definitely didnt want to read and run....
My hubby was diagnosed NOA (no sperm in the ejaculate) and our world came crashing round us, and we saw no light at the end of the tunnel, or any silver lining, just huge dark clouds - especially when the nurse handed us a leaflet on 'coping with childlessness' at our IUI appointment.  I found the NOA thread here on FF and read about PESA/TESA, so we were given a glimmer of hope.  We were referred to another clinic for ICSI, but like you, they weren't willing to undertake any surgical sperm retrieval... and were put on the sperm donor waiting list - another 6 month wait!
A number of couples here on FF (NOA thread) mentioned they'd had success when their NOA hubbies had taken Wellman Multivitamins - although sceptical that it wouldnt be a miracle in a bottle, we had nothing to lose, and the 6 months to get a suitable donor, meant that the vitamins were in hubbys system.  And by heck those vitamins gave hubby a boost - he went from zero to hero (quite literally) and we were able to leave our donor on the subs bench when we had ICSI.  
Its 2 years today that we got our positive pregnancy test....please don't give up.... 
we're here for you.
Best wishes
Sheila


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## Petite One (Jun 1, 2011)

Hello all

Sheilaweb I love that 'leave our donor on the subs bench'.  What a positive story to hear.

Good luck with your journey Becky.milner.


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## Northy (Jan 21, 2008)

I found this site incredibly helpful when ttc cos, like you, I didn't know anyone else in our situation. All the best to you


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## wibble-wobble (Apr 16, 2011)

Hi Becky

me and my hubby are in a simular situation he has NOA but our consultant says there is a 40% chance they will find sperm when he has an ssr (hopefully in the not too distant future) my hubby has a raised fsh not sure the exact number, the consultant says it's probably due to him having mumps when he was younger.

We're also in the same situation with his brother and girlfriend expecting twins in november. I'm not going to lie I was jealous as hell when we first found out they were expecting again (they have a boy and girl already) why is it so easy for some people?!   but I'm really excited for them now and can't wait to hold them and have loads of new baby cuddles. I know a part of me will also be sad when I do that too,if we are still waiting to get pregnant... but these are normal feelings for someone who wants something so much. Most relatives (that know your situation) would understand if you find it hard to cope at the time and you'll love your nephew all the more for what you are going through.

Did your consultant give you odds of finding sperm if you were to go ahead with ssr? It may be worth getting a second opinon,I've read posts where couples have only been given a 5% chance and they've gone on to have babies. 

wishing you all the best for whatever happens next in your journey


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## LCatt (Jun 8, 2011)

Hi Becky,

I've just been through a similar situation where my sister in law has just had her first baby. I remember when I found out she was pg I was so upset and started to resent both my brother and her, even more so as she never wanted children in the first place. 

I love my new niece, but it's so hard being around them as it's something I want so bad, and my mum is over the moon at being a Gran for the first time. I haven't told my brother that me and DH need treatment as I don't want him or his wife to feel pity for me or to act differently around me. 

Me and DH have been TTC for 2 years and we are waiting for my first apt so I can start ISCI and am scared about the whole process. My DH has a DD from his first marriage and I sometimes feels he doesn't understand how I'm feeling as he already has a child.


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