# I need some help.



## Heston26 (Aug 25, 2004)

Hope you can help.

I went to my GP for help but all I got was a letter saying that they couldn't help me and the homepage of a website for people in my situation.

I am still devestated fron my -ve result a month ago. Cruelly AF has been very delayed (very unusual for me) so stupidly got my hopes up. Lots of other things have happened.

I am not coping and and to find help.

Would a counsellor be what I need? I tried the one at my clinic but wasn't too impressed.

Anyone else used one? What happens and how does it help?

I really really need some help.


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## olwen (Oct 26, 2004)

So sorry to hear you are not coping.  I too have just had a negative result and am feeling very low.  I have seen the counsellor at the hospital and although she couldnt really do much, it did help.  She confirmed I have symptoms of depression and also that everything that I am feeling is completely normal given my situation.  It doesnt change anything, but it helps knowing that it really is OK to feel the way you do.  

Some counsellors are better than others, and some you just 'click' with more than others.  Maybe if you werent too impressed with the one you saw, you should shop around and try someone else.  Probably a counsellor who specialises in fertility issues would be better than a regular one - have a look on the Infertility Network website.

I am going to try some hypnotherapy tomorrow - it has been recommended and I've been told that it can really help.  I will let you know how it goes and maybe thats something you can look into.

I hope that helps.  I know that when you are really low you cant even motivate yourself to try to get better, but just asking for help is the first step.  

Thinking of you,
Olwen

PS by the way, I found FF last week when I was really low and just getting in touch with people through the website and in the chat room has REALLY REALLY helped me too.


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## Heston26 (Aug 25, 2004)

Olwen,

Thanks for your reply.

I am destroying my marraige because I can't cope. My husband and I had a very bad time a week after my result and on top of that his sister called to announce she was pregnant knowing fully what we were going through.

I have very hateful feelings towards her and definitely can't face seeing her or his family. I feel inadequate and that he deserves better. This is all a lovely situation to be in so near to Xmas! what a great fesitive season we are going to have.

I know that I can't get through this on my own and need to talk to someone, I was so disappointed when my GP gave me the brush off. I'm contemplating another visit or am I better to just go private?

Francescax


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## crocodile (Sep 14, 2004)

Heston

Some GP’s are absolutely hopeless….  You are clearly depressed and need support, regardless of what has caused your depression, palming you off with a letter saying they can’t help you and a website address is next to useless.

I have had counselling a few times but personally have found it doesn’t work for me, but as I said that’s a personal thing. 

You mustn’t think you are destroying your marriage, you have both been through a very hard time and are finding it difficult to cope.  I don’t know the circumstances but maybe it probably seems to you that your partner doesn’t feel the same as you do and maybe you’re right because in a way he hasn’t been through the same physical and emotional processes as you, not to mention the hormones, but I think you will find that he has found this hard too, but just cannot articulate that .  

When we had our –ive last month I could not stop crying and my DP although sympathetic said he was a bit sad, seemed to be quite pragmatic about it all, but he was trying to be brave for me, cos when I heard him talking to his dad that’s the only time he used the words ‘devastated’ and ‘gutted’.  Your husband probably wants to make your world alright and feels powerless.

As regards his sister well what you feel is perfectly normal.  My DP’s sister-in-law is having her fourth baby, she has three lovely girls that she ignores and wants a boy, I just want a baby.  And then they had the cheek to ask us to lend them some money and I feel quite bitter that as we are both working with no children  they think we have pots of money and can subsidise their family whilst she has babies that they can’t afford, see how bitter I am??

If you seriously think a counsellor might help then don’t let your GP worm out of their responsibility and go and tell them you are depressed you need help and want to see a counsellor as you need human contact not a website!!

But as I said I never really found it useful as Olwen said maybe its because you need to find someone you ‘click’ with.  

Earlier on this year after my mum died, I was told my only fallopian tube was blocked and then I had to have an op before starting IVF and then I may have cancer, it was at that point I cracked up completely and went to my GP saying I couldn’t cope.  I was told that I should forget having a baby as I was almost certainly facing cancer so I should face up to that (luckily I wasn’t).  But after realising the GP was only good enough for a sickness certificate I went to an accupunturist and poured my heart out to her and then had a number of sessions of accupunture which were preimarily designed to calm me down and started to work from the first session and I felt that really helped me than any counsellor.

Sorry if this reply is so long but I  was really saddened by your message and want to try to help

Keep in touch we will all get each other through this

Love

Croc


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Heston/Frances

Your posts really moved me, as I can relate to what you're saying.  I had a BFN 2 months ago and I feel so mixed up.  I feel really lost without appointments to foucs on, and at the same time i feel like giving up on the whole tx thing.  DH is very foucssed on trying again in the summer but I feel like I'm not sure I'll ever be able to face it again.  

I have thought about counselling but feel a bit off about it as we have come this far without it.  Our clininc put us in touch with a counsellor, and she called to see if we wanted an appointment and I said I wasn't sure, and she said "Well you don't sound as if you need counselling"! How the **** can she know! Just because I wasn't in tears at the time! Sooo British!

anyhow I'm rambling really but just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this BFN thing.

Take care.
x


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## Heston26 (Aug 25, 2004)

Hi Croc,

Blimey! So I'm not the only one. This is such a lonely, heartbreaking process.

My sister in law was told not to get pregnant as she is being tested for epilepsy and they live on a boat cos she gave up work and they couldn't afford their flat anymore. They too have asked for money loans and she is so much younger. It really doesn't seem fair does it? I can really understand how you feel.

I am wih an accupuncturist and it really does help. I'm just frightened that I can't get past this thing with my SIL and need somone who can give me a coping mechanism. She will be due about the time I would have been and if I go again for another cycle in march as my consultanat wants to she will be just about ready to give birth. If it fails again I think I would crack up. I am keeping well away from her hoping that in time I will be able to face her but if things don't work out for me how am I ever going to be able to do it? I won't see her so my DH stay away from her. He's upset with her but sensibly won't fall out with her over it. How long will he put up with my refusal to be part of his family. Can I expect him to put up with it?

I too am sick of being treated differently cos we don't have children. Like you say they think you have loads of money and can run around for everyone else cos you don't have the responsibilty of children Makes me mad. I'm getting a puppy so that can be my excuse from now on!

Thanks for your lovely reply, it really does help. I feel calmer now!

Take care and keep in touch

Francescax


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## crocodile (Sep 14, 2004)

Heston

We don’t really see my DP’s sister-in-law too much, only his brother and the girls so I am quite ‘lucky’ in that respect.

If I was you I wouldn’t think how you are going to cope with her in the future I would just concentrate on how you are feeling now and how you can make yourself feel better and go from there.  As regards keeping away from your SIL then if that’s how you can cope then that’s what you do.  You are not refusing to be part of your DH’s family, you just don’t want your nose rubbed in it and luckily you have a DH who understands how you feel.  It would be different if you were forbidding your DH from seeing anyone from his family but you’re not are you? 

And I wouldn’t think about whether your treatment in March fails and how you will feel if your SIL is due too, you are loading so much into one and putting it all together. In March things may look differently and you might feel stronger.

The puppy will bring you a lot of happiness, my dad bought one in March this year as company when my mum died and me and DP have looked after him three times this year when my dad has gone away with my other sister, he really does make us laugh and they offer so much unconditional love and affection and they need lots of walks which means you can’t lay in bed or sit there feeling sorry for yourself (sorry talking about me here not you).  You have to get yourself dressed and out for a walk and just getting fresh air and being out there stops you from getting too down.

If you need to moan, get angry whatever keep posting 

Croc (Maureen)


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## Heston26 (Aug 25, 2004)

Maureen,

Don't apologise for talking about yourself! It's good to hear other people's experiences and views.

I haven't stopped DH seeing his family and no we don't live near to them. As DH says what's my problem as we hardly ever see them. Well, the image of her preganant won't go out of my head. She told me at a time when i was at my lowest and i seem to be holding on to it. With Xmas coming there is obviously talk of getting together and I just can't face it. Also i am ashamed of my reaction. I should be bigger than that.

You are right I should concentrate on myself. I am seeing a counsellor on monday from a crisis centre but have also booked to see my gp on friday. I am looking for some coping mechanisms and hope they can help.

It's like depression, I can't snap myself out of it and the image of my SIL pregnant just won't go away.

Are you in Essex? That's where I am. Have had treatment at Holly House. 

Thanks again

Francescaxxx


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## catsnewb (Oct 25, 2004)

Hi Francesca 
i was so sorry to read your story, i think going to see a counsellor is a good idea it doesn't always work for everyone but unless you try you'll never know. I have had counseling through my GP following my last IVF 4 years ago as i cracked up and couldn't cope anymore it did help me the counselor i had was lovely the only problem is you're only allocated so many sessions in my case it was 6 mths i felt i needed more but thats all i was allowed typical NHS.

As for probs with your sil i can totally sympathize i know how it feels when people in your family are having babies and you're not, i think its a good idea to to try and stay away from them until you can cope better, there nothing worse than having it in your face is there?

My DH siblings all have Babbie's under 2yrs and i avoid family get togethers cause i can't cope with it, his mum likes us all to be there on boxing day watching everyone opening their presents but i just can't do it. I can't sit there like a spare part with my heart breaking watching all the children there are 11 in total with 3 under the age of 2.

Christmas is such a s*** time when you can't have children I'd like to just curl up in my bed till its over.  

and your right about people thinking cause you don't have kids and you both work that you have loads of money, thats just b******S cause i have no B****y money as its all spent on IVF treatment.

I'm sorry I'm ranting but sometimes it does you good to get it off your chest

Lisa x


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## Heston26 (Aug 25, 2004)

Lisa,

What a refief for me to know that it's not just me who feels like that.

Everyone has been told I am not doing xmas this year, I know they think i should just snap out of it but I can't. I don't enjoy feeling like this!!!

I'm getting a puppy to love, hope it helps dull the pain and make me more relaxed. So I will be at home for xmas looking after our new addition!! ( A dogs for life not just for xmas!!!!!)

The cost of the treatment financially is awful but it's the emotional cost that is the hardest to bear.

Some days i feel as if I am going mad!

Thanks for the post.

Take care

Francescax


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