# Struggling with insensitive family-in-law



## 89Hannah (Jun 2, 2015)

Evening everyone

How do you cope with insensitive family members? 

My family are quite understanding but I find my husband's family difficult to deal with and I normally end up crying myself to sleep whenever I have to go and visit them.

His mother keeps telling us that we're lucky we can't have kids as we will have plenty of money/free time for holidays etc.

His dad and step mother (both GPs) told us we're too young/newly married to try for a baby and should wait until  I'm 30. They avoid talking about it now. They also make specific visits to see the family with kids as they want to bond with their grandchildren but never with us. It's as if we aren't worth visiting without little ones.

Two of his siblings have had children and all they talk about is kids and tell us "you'll understand how you have some of your own." His sister also suggested that as we have no kids and two incomes, we should contribute more towards the cost of family holidays as having children is so expensive.

I don't know how to cope- every time I go and see them, I end up feeling depressed and hopeless. I try not to moan about them to my husband as I don't want to ruin his relationship with them.


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## Jacobsmum (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi Hannah

just read your post, and although I don't have any in-laws (doing this solo) I do understand family issues...

With regard to spending time with the folk with grandchildren - I relate to that! As a singly I was always fitting in with other people's plans (have two sisters with kids, one lives near my parents, one abroad). It was assumed that although I live quite far away, I could always travel furthest for family meet-ups, get early am or late evening flights/trains places because I am single so don't have anyone else to worry about. I also made a point of developing my relationships with nieces and nephews - have babysat all when visiting to allow parents to go out (youngest I did an evening shift alone was when little one was four weeks, older two 2.5 and 7.5), done late night babysitting - sister and b-in-l out till 2 or 3 in morning and then not really up to dealing with kids till about lunchtime next day. I got upset about it at times. Being taken for granted etc. Parents prioritising grandchildren. But then I thought about it a bit and decided *I * wanted to have time with my nieces and nephews - and that I was doing it for them, and my relationship with them, which is separate from my relationship with their parents. I figured my parents would be the same for me once little one arrived. It hasn't quite turned out that way, but some of that is just life. My dad was diagnosed with (early onset) Alzheimers when my liitle one was a year old, so a lot of the things they did with other grandkids won't be possible for J. But if they had spent equal time with me, would the other 5 grandchildren have the same special times with/memories of grandad? He (my dad) is doing ok, but travel is now much harder, and so I am still the one making the journeys, because I am determined my son will have positive memories of his grandad, and spend happy times with his cousins.

I read a post somewhere on here about someone analysing her disappointment that she had always been a 'good friend', arranging baby showers, remembering birthdays, getting present for family babies - even when that cost her _so_ much emotionally and she was really struggling, but then finding that the friends and family she had supported did not give her the best baby shower ever, forgot or were busy and kept expecting her to still be the 'superfriend', even when her baby came along. It really resonated with me. But then she said 'who did I do it for?' - was it so that I would get the best friend/ aunt/ godmother gold star, or was it because that is the person I am? It calmed me down a bit.

I also had another friend, for whom I did whole weekends (with her sister) of babysitting, until I found it just too much when her third 'accident' arrived as well and she kept offering me advice on getting my shakras aligned and how that would help me get pregnant... I hoped when my little one came along that we would get closer again (IF causes all sorts of interesting detours and deviations in friendships and family relations, in my experience). Sadly, she was diagnosed with cancer when I was pregnant, and died last year. I wasn't even able to visit much, since once J came along I was carrying a portable germ magnet - small babies/toddlers are not great around the immune-compromised! Do I regret the time I spent babysitting/ supporting her? Not a bit - I have lovely memories of time with her kids when they were small, they feel comfortable with me now, and J, in a way that they wouldn't if we hadn't had that time. She and partner got to have some time together knowing kids were having fun.

So, I can see that with friends things are not always straightforward, but friendships move/ adept /change. But family? Especially in-laws- that's less in your control, and must be _way_ more frustrating. Can you limit your exposure to some of them? If his dad and step mum now avoid talking about it, do you think any of that is down to guilt? They gave you advice, which they may now realise was very poor advice, and don't want to be reminded of that? Especially as they are GPs - almost the opposite of what you would expect - _because _ they have professional knowledge they feel worse for letting you down/ more out of their depth about it all/ less able to talk?

Do his sibs know about your struggles? If they don't, then you have to let their thoughtless comments wash over you. Do you know if either of them struggled with conceiving? Because if it's not the kind of thing you talk about, they may feel the same, and they may not have had simple journeys to parenthood. And I know I go on about my liitle one - I try to be sensitive, but I do go on - I almost feel the struggle I had to get him means I must appreciate every little thing about him more. And I also know of friends (mainly the mums, it has to be said) who feel they are not as able to talk about 'your' world of work and professional responsibilities and career paths (which might not be what you want to talk about at all!), since they are now working part time and parenting is a bigger part of their life than work. Sometimes parenting can be all consuming. Sometimes parents need to talk about their children to feel that they are making a contribution to the world, they need y_ou_ to see this, to acknowledge their 'work' as parents - especially if other areas of their life are not outwardly rewarding - eg have not got promotion/ same career prospects/ same pay as before. It can be about their insecurity, rather than trying to push it in your face.

Of course, they may just be thoughtless and inconsiderate, but since you cannot know what their inner motivations are, it is usually easier to deal with if you can frame a positive explanation for their behaviour. Sometimes you can't chagne them and what they come out with, but you can change how you react and respond to it.

I assume the sister who made the comment about contributions to a family holiday was joking, but what a thing to say! I really hope she doesn't know about your troubles - if she does, then if ever she says anything like this again ('having children is so expensive'), I'd just say 'IVF costs anywhere from £5 -20K, for one cycle, currently. Not being able to have the children you want is so expensive too. Oh, and not only are you financially pushed, battered and bruised physically and broken emotionally, you don't even have those precious children - would you swap places with us?'.

Don't feel bad about *however * you want to respond. If you need to vent somewhere, then do. If you need to reduce contact then do. Keep talking to your other half - at least you can support each other in this, even if the rellies are not great. It's not about moaning, it's about him understanding how _their_ behaviour is making _you_ feel - hopefully you can talk about this and explain just what you have said here - ' I don't want to ruin his relationship with them'. If you can talk about it before the event, in a calm rational way, DH will hopefully see that he doesn't want to ruin his relationship with you either, and if that means doing family stuff differently for a while (or forever, if needs be), then just remember: he chose you, he was landed with them! If family holidays together are a 'tradition', then make up a new 'tradition' for you and DH that helps you deal with it. Preferably involving posh hotels, lovely meals out and lots of chocolate. Traditions have to start somewhere! 
If spending time with everyone together is hard, why not start a 'tradition' of 'special uncle and aunt days'? Take nieces/ nephews out individually for a treat day/ morning /afternoon instead. Means positive family time + less of the stressful adult interaction and gives them time to do stuff with other little ones... (This is only one to consider if you feel strong enough).

Anyway, ignore anything that is unhelpful in my post.

It is difficult, and it is stressful.

Hope you find a way forward. All best wishes

Jacob's mum xx


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## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

Hiya,

I know this may not be possible for everyone but I completly avoid seeing family with children unless its a big family do. Its my Grandma's 80th next month and my cousin will be there with her 3 year old and shes pregnant again so me and my husband will just sit at the other end of the table. 

xx


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Hello I can definitely relate to this. My partners mum and his younger brother are great at making me feel rubbish! When I lost my baby they were all good and supportive even with all my operations ect anyway my partners youngest had a child nearly 2 now and as soon as they told us that's all's we heard baby this baby that especially towards the end, I walked in my pertners mums with my partner to a Moses baskets, clothes, changing mat and more, turned out she'd been shopping and knowing we were going to visit but still left it there!! Also saw the scan on the kitchen side which partner asked her to take away while I was there. When they went in Labour my partners mum told us but my partner just smiled and she snapped at him and I was so close to walking out, and so that night my partner gets a text of his mum saying "don't know if your interested but baby born" I was livid!! We didn't see her for couple of weeks. Then we visited one weekend and they were there shoving it in our faces and then went in another room and basically ignored us! They never visit us but always them, it got to me a lot at first cause it's my partners family and I somewhat felt guilty but now I just ignore it and don't go when they are there and if somethings said bite my tongue, easier said that done I know but you will be a mum one day then they will want you and you can then treat them how they have you good luck x


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