# Do you tell?



## CoupleForties (May 24, 2013)

Starting the surrogacy journey, and what I have been thinking is that do people tell to other people they are doing this? or is it too personal?
And if I don't mention anything to anybody now, what if then one day it would become true - what would I tell then?
I guess there are many approaches to this, but if you can give me some ideas how you have handled this.


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi there
We are doing surrogacy in india and we live in ireland, so we told close family who knew our fertility probs that we are trying surrogacy but no one else, we dont plan on tellkng anyone until we are home from baby collection all going well, as after 18 yrs of infertility i wont believe it myself until im that far, once home we plan to tell genuine curious people that surrogacy is how we became a family and we couldnt be happier, and if pressed for details i will be vague with them as i dont quiz them for details on how their babies were conceived,to gossipy people im simply going to say that i am like a celebratry im too posh to push, lol, i plan on keeping it vague as i know we will be asked inappropriate questions from nosey neighbours that will cause problems if i seem willing to give information , but some couples will be in a situation where everyone will be positive and well mannered around them so telling whenever you are happy to discuss it is a good decision, best of luck on your journey


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## Gen_D_ (Jun 12, 2013)

Most of the IPs that I have worked with have told close family and friends about the surrogacy but not made it public knowledge, IYKWIM. 

With one of my surrogates the IPs chose to keep the surrogacy a secret and instead told people that the IM was pregnant, she even wore a fake bump. 
Personally I found it a little strange, but she was worried that her family would not understand/accept the baby as theirs if they knew he was a surrobaby.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

When we were going through it, I told my close friends and family. After that, I didn't feel it necessary to mention it to anyone else and they never asked. People are normally too self involved to even notice what's going on with others.

Once the baby arrives, people just assume you carried it yourself and don't enquire further. A lot of people will probably say: 'I didn't even know you were pregnant!' and you can just nod and smile as people say that whether or not you carried the baby yourself.


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

We told close friends and family obviously from the beginning, but no one else until our surrogate was pregnant. Then we told our immediate neighbours and I told everyone at work as obviously I was going to have some time off.
My husband also told everyone at his  work.
After our daughter was born one of our neighbours said if we hadn't of told her she'd have just assumed we'd adopted. 
Also I went to a local Mums and Babies group and one of the other Mum's there who lived quite near me said she hadn't realised I was pregnant.  As I didn't really know her I just smiled and said nothing.
Our daugther is now at school and I have made quite a few new friends amongst the other Mums.  I've only told one of them as it came up in conversation, no one else has asked.
I will tell them if it ever comes up, but I don't feel it needs to be public knowledge. However I would never lie about it.
Really though the older she gets the less likely people are to ask so I don't worry about it.
EJJB
x


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## CoupleForties (May 24, 2013)

Thank you so much all for your replies! You make it sound so natural. I am worried that people would judge - where I come from surrogacy is illegal and I have never heard of anybody doing it or talk about it from my group of people. 

We are at the beginning yet so on the other hand I guess nobody needs to know now. It still seems so far away that "we" would be pregnant that at least until that happens I feel now I will not mention anything to anyone. I don't want people asking me that how is it going as I am not always in the mood to talk about it. 

And yes, should the baby ever come to us, that is such a big positive thing that I think that this telling part will be minor.


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## olinaiti (Aug 23, 2011)

Hi!
We have a little girl 16m through GS and we were/ are very open about it to most people. I never tried to keep our journey secret since I had a wide circle of friends and people I know through my son 8y who knew about our struggle and countless miscarriages etc. In general everyone has been either positive or neutral about it. Nobody has said anything negative to me yet .I agree the older she gets the less it'll come up and I won't be announcing it where ever she goes she can share the info with whom she wants too. With new people I do feel a bit defensive about it and worry that I'll get upset if someone's rude but I just act in a manner that I'm not asking for their opinion just answering a question . Relatives have all been understanding and loving toward her like my son . I do forget in the daily life how she got here and that I didn't carry her. It really doesn't matter once they are here and you are living your everyday life  . Good luck !


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi Couple Forties,
Reading between the lines I'm guessing you're not White British and I'm wondering whether you are thinking of doing surrogacy here or abroad.
Most if not all of the British surrogates I know would be horrified and very insulted and upset if the IM tried to pass the pregnancy off as her own.
They would see it as undermining them completely.
We had our daughter through SUK and I'm still involved in running it. We have had lots of IPs from different ethnic backgrounds and as far as I know all of them have been truthful about how their child came about. They have all done Host so obviously the child is theirs biologically but we did straight and I have never had anyone comment on my daughters looks compared to mine. In fact the opposite many people have said how much she looks like me. 
I know some people don't approve which is why I pick who I choose to tell and as she becomes older it will be my daughters decision but I really think honesty is the only way.
Love 
EJJB
x


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