# Dilemma - but a nice dilemma :)



## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

Hellooooo all you wonderful boys and girls! 

we have been approved for a month on monday - whooohooooo - so we thought that we would start re-decorating our spare room so that if anything does happen we are kinda organised.  not that i am expecting anything anytime soon  

dilema part is - my dh has 2 kids (boy 8 and a girl 10) who live down south and come to visit few times a year. at the moment they share a bedroom but dd is coming up for 11 so we had always said that we would get the spare room organised for her for the summer.  sooooo.... what colour do we paint the walls and what colour of carpet?  because....we are hoping to adopt 2 kids so it could be either sex and up to age 4. we were trying to think of something neutral but bright also so that it would suit 2 girls between 0 -11 or 2 boys 0 - 8 or 3 girls 0 - 11 or 3 boys 0 - 8....hope this all makes sense? ?    even if we had it done basic and then we could add on transfers etc to the walls.

any advice would be appreciated.

thank you!! x x x x x x


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## mavis (Apr 16, 2004)

Hi ya Camly,  

How lovely, if it was me I would go for a nice warm soft light yellow and neutral carpets.  It is a sunny cheery colour, we have our spare room this colour and it always lifts me.

However is your call of course but these are my views, girls a renowned for liking pink and lilacs too so this might be a good consideration as a winner but it wouldnt  though go down so well with the boys!!!   , so stick with a yellowy colour if you like it and suits both, is such a happy colour.

Let us know what you decide to do.... GOOD LUCK

exciting    

lots of love as always,

mavis x


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## when will it happen? (Feb 27, 2008)

There is a paint called ''Gentle Yellow'' (crown or dulux, cant remember) - it is a lovely bright (but not too over powering) yellow - might be worth a look at.

When you know exactly 'who' will be sleeping in there you can make it more boyish or girlie.

Blue and yellow goes nice for boys but so do pinks, lilac's and yellow.

Have fun!!!


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## Diz74 (Jan 1, 2007)

I was also going to suggest yellow.  We have recently decorated our 2 spare rooms.  We've done one 'daffodil white' and the carpet is blue and the other one is 'whipped cream' with a purple carpet.  Depending on genders and ages we may have to change the carpets but that would be ok.


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

thank you all!!

great ideas.  difficult one isnt it - cause we dont know if we will get 2 or if its just 1 what sex/age etc.  think im worrying too much about pleasing everyone...as in my stepkids.  we thought about a bright cherry red carpet - would go with pink or blue??

thanks again...

ps my dad is here extending the wardrobe that is already in the room so at least we are moving.

hope you are all enjoying your weekend  x x x


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## crusoe (Jun 3, 2005)

Hi Camly

I think a yellow sounds lovely too. When we started decorating we didn't know whether we were adopting a boy or girl so we have gone for a very neutral creamy colour on the walls and a pale green carpet. Ours is a lovely sunny room so it doesn't look cold at all. We figured we could then accessorise with pictures, curtains, bedding etc for either sex and it's worked well for our little boy (just hope he likes it...)
What a nice dilemma and I agree it is a good idea to try and get organised early - you just don't know when you might get that call and there will be so much to do when you do!
Love Crusoe
xxx


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi Camly

It's very exciting isn't it!  I think yellow sounds lovely.  Just a couple of things to consider, red is a bold and sometimes aggressive colour, green is a very restfull calming and reassuring colour so when picking your carpets you may want to bare that in mind. 

Axxx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

thank you again.

the thing is, my house is either decorated beige or some sort of green? dont know what to do??  might get all the building work done and then re-assess. my dad isnt one for 'sharing' his feelings but i think he is very excited about us adopting. he is coming back tomorrow to finish the wardrobes and said next weekend he will start the decorating. very exciting.

thank you all again x x x


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

If I were you I would hold off until you have your adopted children placed.

You don't want to decorate your step daughter's room to her ideas/standards and then expect your adoptive daughter to want/like the same - that wouldn't be fair to essentially move her from her own room in foster care to your step daughter's room in your house (which will never be fully hers) and vice versa...it isn't fair on Step daughter that her room is essentially decorated for daddy's new daughter (thus making her feel she isn't welcome). the same would apply for boys. i think if they are going to share a room then both girls (or both boys) need to decide *together* what they want.

Not being silly...but is your sw happy for your step children to share with any adoptive children? Does he/she know and understand?

It is a big 'no no' where we are and each child MUST have their own room that is not used as a guest room/shared room for guests etc. Our daughter has a big double room but we have to put family/guests in the tiny study as we are not supposed to move her out for guests. Having spoken to others recently about bedroom sharing you might want to get it in writing pre-linking/matching that the bedrooms will be shared with step children (albeit not regularly) and that is ok, just in case other placing sws have a problem. I would hate for you to have to explain to your step children that they can no longer have a bedroom at daddy's house just because of assumption.

magenta x
(the ever present voice of doom - sorry)


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Camly,
First Congratualtions on your approval as adoptive parents, it really is such a wonderful moment and I hope that you won't have too long to wait for your match.

I'm afraid I'm going to echo Magenta as a voice of doom as I too have a few concerns about the ideas of you step children and adopted children sharing room especially in the short term one thing that we have been overwhelming surprised about is our DS attachment to his room (he was 4 when placed) for many adopted children they have never had a 'Space' that is all theirs and it can be incredibly important for them. I appreciate that you have a delicate balancing act on your hands in terms of needing to ensure that your step children feel appreciated and loved and that they don't feel that they are being pushed out when your children come home, but adoptive children often don't cope well at all with change and there is potential for them being unsettled when your atp children come to stay and even more so if the room that they see as theirs they then have to share.Also, practically if you are hoping for young children to adopt you could find sleeping patterns very much disrupted if they are then sharing with older children who will inevitable be coming to bed later.

I think that Magenta is wise with her recommendations with getting all of this straight prior to matching because other SW's may well have different ideas and in competative matching situations (where more that one couple are being considered for a match) it may negatively influence your match whereas the parenting experience that you already have would be a positive.


In terms of decor we waited until we were matched, but then painted two walls in each room white and the other two walls in DD's room bright pink and we have one bright blue and one bright green wall in DS's room, we let them choose thier own stickers for thier walls and bought curtains that matched the walls but have a generic pattern avoiding anything for a specific age, we bought duvet covers that had characters on them and had loads of fun in Ikea buying lots of bright accessories. I still love thier rooms 18 months on and so do they!

All the best Viva
X


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hi magneta

our sw'er is fully aware of the situation with my step kids. we have a 3 double bedroom flat so there will be plenty of room and at the end of the day, if the kids stayed with us full time then there would be no alternative.we would never tell my step kids that they couldnt have their room at our home either. it wouldnt always be the case that the kids would also have their own room at a foster carers either.  i understand where you are coming from tho.

we will need to get the room started regardless of how soon/how far away so that we are organised. we will have enough to do at the time of meeting our future children.  dont think it would be ideal to wait til the new kids arrive at our home to decide on which colours etc. we would like them to be as comfortable to start with as possible.  had some good ideas so it gives us something to think about.

ta 

x x x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya viva

our sw'er has met my stepkids and knows the times etc when they come and stay. nothing has ever been mentioned regarding any concerns regarding sharing bedrooms etc. im not saying its going to be easy, but we will just need to manage.

thanks for the advice tho. x x x


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

gosh camly this is complicated  

in our area each child must have their own room   an adopted child could not share with a BC - foster children are not usually allowed to share either.

there are lots of things to think of: 

if you have promised dd her own room that means ds will have his own too.......no more rooms so i assume the adopted children will sleep in the step-childrens rooms......this is a huge issue for adopted children - they often long for their own room, own space, security, comfort of knowing something belongs to them - how do you explain 'their' room actually belongs to the step children?   this might work okay for a young baby but for a 3-4 year old this may not go down very well at all   

likewise how will step-children feel that their new siblings sleep in their rooms all year round and they only get to 3 times a year? it may sound okay now but maybe at 13 with hormones raging it won't? 

if your step-children do share with an adopted child - how will you manage their differences in taste? a 2 year old who wants a fifi duvet over may not go down well with your 11 yr old step-daughter who wants her x-factor duvet, posters etc....

sleeping arrangements - if your 11 yr old step-d is watching tv/listening to music at 8pm how will you put the 1 or 2 year old down in the cot to sleep?  

if you do have 2 adopted daughters they cannot share with an 8 yr old boy so effectively you will have 1 bedroom 'spare' except for when step-son visits - this isn't very space efficient and you may begin to feel frustrated about this (i would   )

you say ' we would like them to be as comfortable to start with as possible' - some adopted children like to choose things for their room and its an important part of them making the transition - so a completely finished room may actually be a let down for them - they might wish to 'put their own stamp on it' much like people do generally when they move into a new house 

please also consider that you may need 2 rooms for your adopted children - 
if they have lived apart the SW may insist they do not share a room
if they have always had their own room they may be used to that and it would be advisable to not then make them share
a baby/toddler may wake up in the night (our 1.5 yr old frequently wakes at 12pm and 5am) and you may need to have them in their own room to ensure they don't wake up the older child who at 3-4 will need a good nights sleep for nursery/school the next day 
because you don't know who your children are - and what their needs will be this cannot be predicted  

to be honest i would say decorate both rooms the same - we did two rooms with inoffensive blue carpet (throughout all upstairs  ), two pale yellow walls and two pale blue walls, a cream black out blind and matching curtains. i reasoned that they were suitable for either boy/girl (we were approved 2 children 0-8 so huge age-range) and we would add stickers or duvet covers/lamps etc of their choice.  as it happens for us both boys came with so much stuff that they felt comfortable enough with all their normal soft-toys etc around them and as yet we have not needed to add any stickers or character duvet covers  

i've probably just repeated what viva and magenta have said but in a much more waffly way   but i do agree with them.

i would have a chat with your SW and see what she suggests. You say ' if the kids stayed with us full-time then there would be no alternative'  - but the reality is you probably would not be allowed to put children aged over 8 in a room with an adopted child (before the adoption order) age 0-4   

i do hope this helps  

ritz


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Big hugs - sorry if I have upset you at all



ritzi said:


> gosh camly this is complicated
> 
> in our area each child must have their own room  an adopted child could not share with a BC - foster children are not usually allowed to share either.
> 
> ...


Just to re-iterate here because I really don't like being so negative at what should be a wonderful happy time of preparation but I would check that the info about step children staying over is in your form F and, if not, ask that it is added. Honestly adopted children are not allowed to share full stop in my area and even same sex birth siblings need separate rooms once the combined age is 6 (eg 2 year old and 4 year old). As for 'if the children were here full time' I have to agree with rizi that in our consortium area you just wouldn't have been approved at all which makes me wonder if info might ber missing if you have been approved for more children than you have rooms for.

I really really hope that I am just being 'over protective' of you (and the other approved adopters) because I see a lot of myself in you guys - the joy, the apprehension that Hope that never dies....but sadly since then I have seen my fair share of sw issues/assumptions etc meaning heartbreak for adopters and would sooo hate for you to get caught up in ridiculous red tape at a later stage.

Please don't redecorate without just phoning or emailing your sw quickly to confirm that sharing will be ok once children are placed. would hate for you to waste money redecorating for the sake of a phonecall.

BTW - we went for green carpet and cream walls for our room and when DD arrived we bought stickarounds, bedding and curtains in her favourite theme to make it 'hers'. She was only 19months but she saw us put up the curtains and helped choose the mobiles etc. I feel it really helped her to see us move 'her' toys etc into 'her' new room.

Magenta x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Congratulations on your approval, hope you don't have too long a wait to meet your children.

Again, I don't want to sound negative but it would also be a big 'no no' with our LA to have adoptive children and step children sharing bedrooms.

'we would never tell my step kids that they couldnt have their room at our home either' - whose bedroom would it be?  The step childs or the adoptive childs?  Adoptive children can become very attached to THEIR room and things and find it very difficult sharing.  Personnally I think the room needs to be decorated and thought of as the adoptive child's room as they would be sleeping in there (and playing etc as they get older) all year round compared to your step child visiting a few times a year.

As for decorating while not knowing what gender, age etc, we went for a pale creamy colour and a neutral (beigey ?) carpet then added curtains, bedding and stick-arounds to suit ours sons likes.  His bedroom was, still is, very important to him, its his first ever bedroom all of his own and he is very proud of it and I'm sure that helped with him settling at night when he first moved in.

OT x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

seems camly re-decoration thread has been locked.....so maybe that means we're not supposed to comment any further on it.....but to add my two-pennies worth. i think the rulings must be a bit wool-y from LA to LA.

Boo1 was really keen than Boo2 share his room with him. there is a possibility of a Boo3 of the female variety coming along sometime this year, so we asked if they would allow us to try boo 1 and 2 in the same room. Neither SW had a problem and they asked FM, who tried Boo2 out sleeping in a room with his FS whos' 10 and its all worked out fine.

so thats how we're starting things next week.

i'm not sure if this is helpful or not but htought i'd share our experience of this.

xxruhtie


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