# difficult question 2 ask but need to know



## rosielee (Jan 27, 2006)

hi, we have had viability assessment and awaiting sw visit next week 2 discuss about our home study. 
i have a few concerns which i have wanted to raise but been very scared to "put it out there"
a member of my family has been convicted of a sex offence against a child, and although i know 100% he is not guilty and he is going through the court of appeal should i tell sw this, and if so will affect our chances to adopt? bearing in mind the children are distant family members too!! and it should be based on can we be good decent honest and loving parents  i cant help but feel this could ruin our chances, also another member of my dh family have had 3 of her children taken away from her, will that make a difference? 

i know the process of adoption we are going through is a little back to front than most as we already know who we are applying for etc, we dont have to go through the matching situation etc. but ANY advice on the above or about the process in general would be so appreciated. 
the last 9 years have been tainted by the pain of IF and feel we really deserve a break!!  
this chance has given us hope again, we are smiling from the inside out. even though it is such early days. good luck to all, and best wihes 
rosie xxxxxxxxx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Rosielee,
This is a difficult one, I don't feel qualified to answer and can only give my thoughts. I wouldn't think the family member who had children taken away would impact on your situation. The other situation is very tricky, I certainly would tell the SW about it as if she found out later it would look very bad. Quite how they would view it I am not sure if they let you continue I would imagine that the family member guilty or innocent would not be allowed to see any children you adopt (Am I right on that girls?) It is very hard when someone elses situation impacts on your own. I am sure one of the girls on here had a situation of something with a family member maybe they will write here.
I know only too well as most of us here do the pain of IF and just wish you luck on your journey,
JD x


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## em3978 (May 24, 2007)

Hi Rosielee

Sorry to hear about your situation, I really hope it doesn't impact too badly on your adoption...

I have similar concerns, DH and I have decided to go down the adoption route for subsequent children after this one (i'm lucky enough to be able to have my own biological child, but unlucky that my body hates pregnancy and we've decided (with agreement from various medical professionals!  )I can't do it again )

One of my very close family is currently serving time for a very brutal murder... he got sent down for many years and probably won't be out til he's about 50...but I do worry about how that would affect our chances of adoption...

I've been assured once or twice that it shouldn't matter (esp as he is out of the picture for the forseeable future..) but I can't help but worry...

 I hope it all works out for you...

Em
xx


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## rebeccas (Oct 26, 2005)

Rosie

I agree with JD, you do need to let your SW know although it may feel difficult, providing you can demonstrate that you are prepared to follow recommendations on keeping the family member away I think you should be okay.  Although I am not qualified.  It is great that you want to adopt some children that you know after the pain of IF.  I wish you and DH every success, the people on this forum are really helpful and supportive.

Love Rebecca x


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Rosie,
I agree with the others that you need to be upfront and honest from the start although I appreciate that this is not neccesarily going to be easy. Many people have difficulties in their wider families and SW's could not afford to rule people out because of that, they will be very much hoping to approve you for these littlies as they already see it as a very positive match. I think that Rebeca is right in saying that you need to demonstrate that you will follow any recommendations to ensure that any risk to the littlies are minimised, I would also be proactive and ask about any training they offer that they would think relevent.
All the very best.
Viva
XXX


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Rosie

You need to tell your SW about this family member- you need to explain the full situation and how you will "keep your children safe within your family" this would be something you needed to talk about even if your had gone down the adoption route like most of us.

100% honesty is the best policy when it comes to it, i personally feel that no matter how bad you may think something is it can be turned around to be a positive in the way your aware of how you "may/will" deal with a situation.

Good luck

Mez
x


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

Hi
I work with social services and you MUST be honest about this family member.  Social services should look at the situation for what it is, lying is something that will not be accepted.

Good luck strawbs xx


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## ♥sparklequeen♥ (Feb 6, 2007)

*From my understanding (and in my role as a civil servant and making decisions about people's suitability), you must be honest, but also, if the person does not live with you and has not lived at your address (and neither do the children concerned) it will not come up on a Social Services 'check'. Obviously, it wont come up on a CRB either as it doesn't 'relate' to you, but it is paramount you are open and honest right from the start so that they are fully aware of the situation. It may not help to give them your views (ie you feel the person is innocent etc) as until a court decide that, it is not relevant what your views are - if you know what i mean  Im am not an expert on the adoption process by any means, and they may well do further checks into suitability than we do...but just thought id let you know what my understanding is from my perspective.

Hope that makes sense - wishing you all the luck in the world for the adoption hun!

Take care

Sparkles xx*


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## rosielee (Jan 27, 2006)

thanks so much for taking time out to read and reply,
it has just made us confront it for what it is, we want to be good parents so we are willing to do WHATEVER to provide a stable loving reationship for any child we are fortunate enough to give to.
and if that means be honest and expaining, then so it shall be, we will try the very best we can,  if it means not seeing the said person then we wont, only wish we knew what to expect from the whole process, it means so much that we dont want to ruin it by saying the wrong thing or with holding info etc. we are so nervous about the home study because we dont realy know what it consists of. 
but we will tell ss about this event and hopefully reassure it wont reflect on us as parents
thanks again and best wishes to you all xxxxxxx


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## rosielee (Jan 27, 2006)

just an update incase anyone has been wondering, or may find themselves in this sort of situation at some point.
we have been allocated an independant sw who we met yesterday for the 1st time, we are going through form 1 and cramming our home study into 2-3 days after xmas intensively so all the paper work and assessments can be in place for family court hearing.
so we have told our sw about the said family member,  who after looking a little shocked said that as long as we can convince her we will not put them at risk then she thinks we could turn this situation into a positive for ourselves    . she told us she was glad we had been honest and that we hd started this off on the right foot, so thanks for everyones advice  
it really wasnt as bad as i thought it would be
good luck to all 
and thanks again 
xxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Glad to hear the sw appreciated you being honest and upfront about it 

 for your assessments 

x


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## rosielee (Jan 27, 2006)

i know honesty is the best policy, but just dreaded the thought that someone else could ruin our hopes and dreams, 
we could handle it if we had commited a crime, would be our own faults, but when i think we could be good parents and all that is risked by another person, it just spooked me  
im glad its being talked about, she phoned again today to say when she put dh out of date passport in crb form and thought it would be ok, well its not, so she has to come over again next week to go through forms and discuss family member in more depth  
i totally understand the reasons behind it, and protecting the little ones is paramount, i dont know how we can convince her that after 9 long years, there is no way in the world i would put any little lovey in my life at risk if i could prevent it
we have just completed our family tree though, that was a laugh   
thanks for your kind words though suzie
xx


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