# Choosing adoption over IVF?



## Primal Seeker (Jul 20, 2010)

Hi All,

I'm not sure whether this is the right place to post this question so please tell me if it's more appropriate elsewhere...

My husband and I have been ttc naturally for approx 5 years we have had some tests done and, after a long period of resisting, are starting to pursue the ivf route (we briefly started a few years ago but didn't follow though with any treatment). My issue is that I don't want to spend years trying ivf and would like to adopt at some point anyway. Is anyone pursuing ivf and adoption at the same time? We will only try ivf once and I don't want to wait to adopt my children in the meantime. I don't even know if that's allowed.

I'm really interested to know how everyone balanced ivf and adoption.
LittleB


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## alig1972 (May 12, 2011)

Hi 

You will need to wait 6 months after IVF treatment before you start adoption and they certainly won't let you do both at the same time. As part of our home study we were asked to use protection as they didn't want a pregnancy as you are going through adoption, as it costs them a lot of time and money. The children that need adopting will have issues and will need your full attention, you will learn all about this as part of the adoption journey. We thought about adoption after our first failed cycle and went to an initial information morning but then ended up doing 2 more cycles before we were fully committed to adoption and now this is the right decision for us. 

Good luck on whatever journey you choose. 

Ali x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Hello   I'm afraid that this will not be an option. All agencies will do extensive work to ensure that you are committed purely to adoption whilst going through the process, for us this was talking is depth about past treatment and making sure we had grieved our loss of a biological child. The process can be gruelling and they will want your total commitment, not to mention to put someone through costs agencies between £20-30,000, so if you were to get pregnant and stop the will have made a massive financial loss. Also adopted children upon placement will need lots of time and consistency, not possible if a baby is in the home or soon to arrive. Having had 3 cycles of IVF and have adopted I can safely say I could never have emotionally managed both at the same time. I'm afraid it really is one or the other. But good luck in your journey


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

wTs and also in relation to this;



-x-Lolly-x- said:


> Also adopted children upon placement will need lots of time and consistency, not possible if a baby is in the home or soon to arrive.


and practically speaking, they want the adopted child to be the younger/est by usually about two years. i imagine by the time a birth child was old enough for them to consider you, then the process etc, you'd be looking at a three/four year age gap


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm sorry about your problems ttc little b. All the best with your decision and your route to finding a family. It's a big decision as what to do as a next step. Fwiw I am not sure you can/should commit to adoption for your first child if you really want a birth child, w/o trying IVF if you are able to. That's just my position though. I badly wanted a birth child and had to know I'd done all I could to achieve that before moving on.
Gettina x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi littleb and welcome. Sorry to here about yout ttc difficulties. I don't know if this will help but I wanted to share our experience. We always knew we would peruse adoption if our treatments failed BUT I can honestly say we never saw it as second best, simply our second choice. We did endure years of treatment and I am so glad we did. I desperately wanted abirth child and needed to know we had tried all avenues we were willing to take.
When we moved onto adoption we has just failed a fet we knew would never work but we needed to give it a go or we would have always wondered 'what if...'
When that treatment failed I had already contacted diff la/va. I was convinced I was ready to o. All I could think of was 'my children are out there' but we were made to wait. I thought this was ridiculous as I was ready! During that waiting I hit rock bottom. Realising and accepting I would never give birth, never breast feed my baby, never see my scan hit me a lot worse than I never imagined. I truly believed I was ready to move but I was no where near. i needed to grieve and grieve I did. 
Looking back now I know that during that time there was no way I could  have actively pursued adoption in the way it needs and shoud  be pursued . 
Adoption is all consuming as is ivf and I belief you need to be fully committed to each individually. 
We never needed or were made to wait 6 months. I went to councelling for 3 months and then woke up one morning knowing I was ready. That day marked the first day of the rest of my life. I phoned the agencies, they came for a chat, agreed we were ready and 3 months after our last failed treatment we had our initial interview. Our home study started the next month and 8 months later we met our little man - our dream come true.
He has been home 5 months now and I can honestly, hand on heart say he is our world, our dream come true and I'm glad my treatments didn't work because we wouldn't have him BUT I'm so glad we tried them first. I couldn't life with 'what ifs...' 
Good Luck with your decisions xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Little B

We chose to skip IVF altogether and over straight from ttc to adoption after 5 years of ttc; I'd seen enough heartbreak from it failing to know I couldn't put myself through it, but that was our personal choice. Although being young (under 30) and having unexplained infertility the docs felt my success chances would be high, we knew there would be no guarantees and I wanted to be a mum more than I wanted a biological child if you know what I mean. We joked that we didn't think our genes were so special we needed to pass them on   I felt I had enough battle scars withiut going through IVF. Adoption isn't second best, but it is tough and it does need 100% undivided commitment. We had to lay the idea of a biological child to rest....I'm not saying its totally gone as we both know it 'could' happen given we're technically (but not in practice it seems) fertile, or at least I'm not, but I am very fulfilled by my choice to adopt and my children are everything to me. It still pangs when I see a mum nursing a newborn even with my daughter in my arms, but I think that's because I missed our on the first 11 months of her life and wish I hadn't.

X

MummyElf


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