# Donor egg conceived children



## dedo (Feb 5, 2014)

Hi, I am interested in making contact with any other families who have conceived through anonymous donor egg process.  We have one child and would like to speak to others about how they handled the whole sharing info or not issue?  How they have told their child and how it went, families reactions etc.  We didn't tell anyone, partly because I thought it was the child's decision to share that information if they wanted to or not when they were older and partly because I didn't want to have to deal with telling everyone if the process failed.  Now I realise we should have been open from the start but you know how it is, emotions and hormones were all over the place at that time


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## donna80 (Jan 3, 2011)

Hi dedo,

When we first knew we needed donor eggs we told our parents and that was it, but as time has gone on (it's taken 3 years from finding out I needed a donor to starting treatment) I've got to the point that I don't care who knows. 
I don't know how much response you will get from here, but there is a egg donor page, here's a link to it, 
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=551.0

There's a thread there where some of us have spoke about family reactions and the pros and cons of telling or not telling,

Look forward to seeing you on the boards, 
Donna x


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## UK-Canuck (Sep 3, 2011)

Hi Dedo

I'd thoroughly recommend looking at/talking to the Donor Conception Network, they've helped DH & me hugely to work through everything and we're feeling so much happier starting treatment than we did and met loads of lovely people at a workshop & local group meetings - even looking forward to the National Conference they're doing in April. They also do booklets on "telling & talking" to children, with story books as well as ones on how to talk to your family & even one to give to family members. 

We've already told our families as we were just SO excited to be matched with our egg donor - so are admittedly very much in the "telling camp" - in part to raise awareness. Everyone in here is fabulous, but we really found it helpful to meet "real people" - as DH doesn't come on here - unless I make him read certain bits  so he wouldn't have met anyone otherwise - and I think it's really helpful when men realise they aren't the only ones going through this - it was for mine, as generally they aren't as good talkers as ladies 

One of the things that really struck me that I heard at our workshop is tha we kind of need to be "educators" - ie we know loads about donor eggs etc as we've been on this infertility journey probably for years and have and lots of time to get our heads around everything. So if you "drop this bombshell" on friends/family then you have to be fair to get them some time to process and catch up to where you guys are - in our case we had two years to get used to our Plan B or even Plan C - as donor eggs certainly wasn't what I dreamt of when we started TTC. So you might need to answer some silly questions, but hopefully they're just out of curiosity. 

That said, we've told our families and pretty much all of our close friends and haven't had the slightest negative response, although we have had questions from some of them - but mostly about the "how".  Although, I've now got to the point of ... well you didn't tell me about the conception of your children (not that I want to know! Lol) but I don't feel the need to talk about mine, thanks very much!  I think people mostly just feel sorry for us having to go through this as they haven't got a clue about infertility!  Our friends &  family have popped out 52 children since we got married 5.5 years ago and more on the way, these are only our close friends, ie invited to our wedding, send them Christmas cards etc!  Just 2 friends of mine who both got pregnant on there first NHS rounds of IVF and one used Clomid, everyone else has just popped them out naturally, and I don't think is much which compared to what we've been through so far   But admittedly we are feeling so excited about our Donor Egg IVF this month   

Congratulations on your little family - I have my first scan tomorrow, so fingers crossed we'll have a little family too soon


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## dedo (Feb 5, 2014)

Thank you so much for your replies and the link to the donor egg page, I searched and couldn't find.  I

UK canuk, good luck with your scan, I will keep everything crossed for you.

I think you have just confirmed my feelings really, I know everyone will be a little curious, maybe a bit upset we didn't tell them sooner, and anyone who really doesn't approve I don't need in my life.  All I know is we have the most gorgeous little daughter and I swear, if someone said I could turn back time and have a baby using my own eggs I wouldn't now because it would mean I wouldn't have my lovely little one and I wouldn't swap her for the world.

Thank you so much again xx


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## UK-Canuck (Sep 3, 2011)

Hi again Dedo

I'm sure your family & friends love your little girl as much as you do and won't be too worried about where she came from - I keep thinking about DH's family and thinking "Well what's it to do with them, they still get a child that's half DH and who knows DH could have chosen the donor as a wife rather than me" - glad he didn't  - but they are the ones prone to saying stupid things - all very black and white about life and my MiL reads the Daily Mail daily - uuugh! (Help!!!)  

But ultimately all our family have said they "just want us to be happy".  Although my parents have gone on holiday this month to California (they live in Canada) and I'm slightly relieved as it means I don't have to feel I have to/should go through the details of our treatment with my mum - as she's kind of "out of reach" at the moment - although keeps emailing me threatening to try to Skype/FaceTime, which is even worse than phoning! 

Lots of luck - sounds like you're very confident about the situation, which I'm sure will help your friends and family see it was a good thing for you.

Canuck xx


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
my twins are 3. I started telling them from very early about the lady sho helped mummy have them. I found a book on www.lulu.com called mommy, was your tummy big? I read them that and still do every few months. I am currently planning another cycle with a different clinic and different donor. They are interested and ask questions but I don't know how much they really understand at this age.

I told close family early on but my dad and I had been out of contact for years. When it looked like he and his side of the family were going to come back into our lives I sent him a carefully worded email. I was of the view if he/they had a problem with it I would rather they work it out before seeing us again. Wnd worst case scenario was if they couldn't handle it they would be out of my life before if impacted the kids. As it is I needed have worried. Th3 esponse I got was it made them even more special as they were so wanted and I went through so much to have them. Tbh noone really thinks about it much now. They are their own people.

I am quite open with people when they ask too. Initially I was unsure about being so open but it is part of our story and something I dont want my kids to feel ashamed of, I want them to celebrate it. I dont advertise it as such but I dont hide or prevaricate when people ask questions. If I can help understanding and acceptance then I feel I'vegiven something back. I also find my openness has lead to a fee other people telling me about their fertility problems which they say has helped them.

The response I have from people is interested. There are some strange questions and people's first response is sometimes a bit yeuk but that only lasts a second and is more a gut response. They then start asking for info and get involved. When they see i am accepting of it and happy with my family ( I love my kids to bit and wouldn't change them for anything. They are the good thing to come out of endo for me )people are positive in return

anyway, good luck , but I am also an advocater of telling. It makes them more my kids, not less. I had to go through so much to have them not just lie on my back iykwim ;-)

X x

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