# Newbie - Trying to get my head around Sperm Donation



## Plaid (Apr 15, 2014)

Hello there, 

I thought I would introduce myself and hopefully get some words of wisdom from fertility friends!

As of a few months ago, I knew nothing about the world of infertility/IVF/Sperm donation, and to be honest, reading some of the forum and support group posts has just got my more scared that I am at the beginning of a very long and painful emotional marathon. I feel like I am on mile one, and reading the stories of people at mile 20 (several failed IVF cycles in)  makes me wonder if i will ever get there! 

My husband was recently diagnosed with a micro-deletion of the Y Chromosome (azfc) last month. This means he will never be able to reproduce naturally, but there is a chance (30% we are told) that through an operation, they might be able to find some usable sperm in the testicles for use in IVF. 

The odd's aren't really in our favour so it's been suggested that we start thinking about Sperm Donation as our next option. My husband has some brothers who we asked whether they would consider donating. They said no, that it would be to psychologically difficult for them. Maybe they are right and that it would cause more problems that it would solve, but we are disappointed they wouldn't even consider it, as obviously this would be the closest genetic link to my husband we could get. This leaves us with Sperm Donation from a Sperm Bank. 

Ideally we go into my husband's operation, coordinate it with IVF for me, so that if there is sperm we can use it fresh, and if there isn't sperm we are ready to go with a Sperm donor so that they IVF cycle isn't wasted. (i also have Polycystic Ovaries so the whole IVF thing might be less straightforward). How are we going to psychologically get our heads around this - gearing ourselves up to be happy with a donor sperm, when we are obviously going to be holding out hope that the operation is successful and we don;t have to use it?!

My main concern with donor sperm is - what kind of people donate? how can I possible know that they aren't a psychopath and are vaguely intelligent/attractive?? That may sound bad to say, but this is my major concern. Obviously i am very upset that I may not be able to have my husband's child, but I think I would just be very concerned how this child would turn out knowing nothing about the donor. I know there are some websites where you can see a picture/more info, but does this really help get over the fact that it's a totally unknown person?

Has anyone else had these kind of concerns about the process, and how did you get your heads around it? Any suggestions for Sperm Donor sites that are better than others? Has anyone been through this operation and been successful/unsuccessful?
Any words of wisdom or encouragement from people going through a similar thing would be hugely helpful! 
Plaid


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

Hi Plaid,

I am in very similar situation to you but a bit further on. My husband had his TESE 2 years ago and it was negative (we were given 8% chance of a 'take home baby' going into it so knew the chances were slim). I am sorry you are in this position 

You might want to head to the non-obstructive azoospermia thread where there are lots of ladies in a similar position, some found sperm, some didn't, some are waiting to find out but there'll be lots of support there - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=293367.0

Personally, I didn't feel able to do a synched cycle where you have donor sperm as back up. I felt like we needed to know whether there was sperm, grieve if not, and then decide what our next option was. Lots and lots of people do synched cycles so again you can compare notes with the other NOA ladies if you want.

We took a year between the negative TESE and deciding to go ahead with donor sperm. During this time we went on a 'Preparation for Parenthood' event run by the Donor Conception Network which is designed for people who are considering but not yet conceived with donor sperm. We found it really helpful in deciding and I would wholeheartedly recommend checking that or their website out. The caveat is they are pro openness in telling the child that they are donor conceived so if this is not right for you they might not suit you. They offer support in telling the child in age appropriate ways if that would be right for you.

I know what you mean about where the donors come from but for me it has faded away now I guess. You would need to think about how much info you want. We know physical characteristics, job, education, hobbies etc of the donor we have been using. I didn't want to see photos but others do and this is available from some banks. We got ours from our clinic but there are online banks that many people use such as European Sperm Bank and xytex.

As you probably know, in the UK donor conceived people can find out their donor's info at age 18 and can therefore track them down if they want to. Additionally donors don't get 'paid' (just a small amount per donation to cover expenses). Therefore I think they must have thought about it very hard and understand the implications of donating and do it for largely altruistic reasons. My clinic said that in the years before the anonymity laws changed, donors were typically young lads but now the average donor tends to be older and much more considered about their decision to donate.

That's a shame about your brothers in law too. My DH has no brother but that would have been my first choice if possible.

You could head down to the donor section, in particular donor sperm thread if you want to read more (although hopefully you will not need to but we will be there if you do    ) - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=308053.0

I remember how difficult this time is. I was hoping with every fibre of my being that we would find sperm but at the same time thinking about the other options, it's so hard. What I would say, is, the fear about using donor sperm has really fallen away for me now. I still think about it but I know if we are lucky enough to have a child, I have faith that we will handle it well and that we will be fine.

If you head to the other threads you will get some views from other ladies on the same road too. Best of luck x


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## Plaid (Apr 15, 2014)

Bumble Bus, 
Thank you so much for your kind reply. It is so good to know there are other people in the world going through this strange, upsetting experience! 
I will definitely check out the threads you suggested and The Donor Conception network sounds like a useful thing to check out! I do think with time I could get my head around donor option, but at the moment it seems such a lottery. Do you know if there is a page on this website that explains all the abbreviations people use? I am not sure what a lot of them mean, and feel like i'm not 'down with the lingo' 
thanks again for taking the time to write, 
Plaid


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## hilly35 (Feb 14, 2012)

Hi Paid,

my heart goes out to you as you sound so overwhelmed by everything and its so natural that you would be. I am getting ready to do my first cycle with donor sperm. I wont tell you that its an easy road to get here - in our case you will see that despite my good eggs and my DH (husbands) grade 1 sperm we have never been able to fertilise one single egg. Go figure! We are doing a split cycle this time with one half of my eggs using a technique where a chemical is introduced to see if it aids activation and the other half will be donor sperm. So pretty similar to a synced cycle you talk about. 
Of course we want the chemical to work with my husbands sperm but we have ourselves in a position where if its donor sperm thats ok by us. I would encourage you do some counselling before hand - many clinics provide this free. I actually learned that in the UK the child has a right to know at 16 that they were conceived from donor sperm - they can access the registry to find aout about siblings and genetic father at 18. So there is a lot to think about. For us it really helped us to clarify we were both on the same page as I found out I was feeling a lot of guilt for my husband that he was struggling with this decision much more than he was. 
In my case I have been keeping a diary leading up to this cycle so that if we are lucky enough to fall pregnant my little one will see just how much they were wanted and how great and brave their daddy is willing to go through all this to find them. I thoroughly believe my husband will be the daddy - being there night after night through good and bad makes you a daddy - not just producing a sample. 
I did some research into why men donate nowadays as the rules around open donation have changed. A lot of men do this as a result of their awareness of fertility issues. Be it their wife or someone in their family. Some of course do it to leave a genetic line in the world - but you cant just pop in and donate anymore and get paid. Nowadays there are so many checks and proceedures it has to be something they are willing to commit to. If I could reach out and give my donor a big hug I woudl do as I see what he is doing as one of the greatest gifts.
I didnt particuarly want to look at photos of my donor. Purely for the reason that my child will be unique and I dont want to be searching for similarities in them - but hey thats just me - everyone has very different takes on this. I used the European Sperm Bank - go online and check out their web page for some basic info. They were absolutely fantasic - within ordering and the sperm arriving at my clinic in London it took less than 24 hours. What I though t woudl be the most stressful part turned out to be the easiest!

Its an awful lot to get your head around.

As an aside - my brother in law has offered us his sperm and is willing to delay his vasectomy until we decide what to do - but unlike you I am not sure I am comfortable with that close a connection. Uncle being genetic father - it has its pros and cons but is not for me. Its funny how we can all come at this at different angles. So what I am saying is whats right for you is just that - for you. You need to find your own path through this.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=190482.msg2945198#msg2945198

Hope this link works - its a shortcut to all the abbreviations.

I wish you all the very best with everything - go to the donor boards as bumble says - they really are a great source of info when you are starting out.

Fingers crossed for you x


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## Plaid (Apr 15, 2014)

Hilly35
Thank you for replying. It sounds like you have been through a tough time! Thanks for the tips on the European Sperm Bank, I will check them out. Yes I am rather overwhelmed to be honest. I worry that my husband is just going from appointment to appointment and not really processing it all emotionally. We are already both a bit emotionally drained from talking about it, so it seems kind of easier not to. But then more and more of my friends get pregnant so easily, and with every announcement, once again, we're reminded that it's not going to happen for us without a hell of a lot of work/luck/money/sperm from someone else! 
Thanks for your support, and good luck with your split cycle! x


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## hilly35 (Feb 14, 2012)

Plaid, we may have a harder road to get there but just think how much more we will appreciate the outcome when we do!!! Hang in there - you will get there. Best of luck x


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## Calladene (Dec 26, 2012)

Hello...
We have got donar sperm from european sperm bank.
It's such a special gift .
It takes the donar 6-12 months to become a donar.
They have so many tests and counceling.
They have medical history and also family medical history mother father sister brothe grandparents and aunts and uncles.
Iv also got all family genetic reports of looks jobs ect.
They do not get paid.
I have a picture , 32 pages of medical history.
Staff impression.
A letter from him
IQ and kiersy test.
And obviously hight weight looks ects.
Xx


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## Audiprincess (May 7, 2012)

Hi plaid

My OH has NOA and I have PCOS so similar stories...we were given a 40% chance of finding sperm surgically and a much lower % of pregnancy resulting from ICSI 

As you can see from my signature we were sucessful 3rd time around, we also considered Doner sperm at various stages however we wanted to make sure that we had exhausted all options with OH sperm first, but you need to do what is right for you as a couple, and it doesn't hurt to have all the information to hand to help you make the decision, one session of counselling def helped me and OH to understand more about the process and the implications.

Which clinic are you under? Are you nhs or self funded? It may be worth you looking at the sucess rates of different clinics to give u the best chance

Feel free to read my previous posts and Private message me 

Wishing you all the luck in the world xx


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