# Introducing Family



## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

Hi

I am currently having intros with my daughter who has just turned 2. She will be home for good on Monday.  

Just looking for advise when time comes to introduce family, what people have found best (people visiting, us visiting or meeting in a neutral place). And how long people have left before introducing family.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Our children were older on placement but with our son it was about 4 weeks before he met my mum, she lives a long way from us though so we knew that when they met it couldn't be a short visit, we did lots of Skype calling and talking on the phone before hand, and granny then came and stayed for just a few days the 1st time, we I operated a visit to my brother and his family into this as well as he also lives a couple of hours drive away.

With our daughter she met granny during intros as granny needed to come and stay to look after our son when we couldn't.

We were going to leave it longer before meeting granny with our son but brought it forward when we thought he was ready.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

we kept our home for just us, we went out and about to meet people, either neutral place or at their houses. we met family within a week but in the park and no touching allowed lol.
my mum came over to ours maybe 3 or 4 weeks in but nobody else really… and we wouldnt have done it then excpet our DD was settling exceptionally well. If we had a day of seeing people we always followed it with a being-home-and-just-us day


kj x


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Sorry have to be quick! Hubby wants to sleep. 
-no touching
- no help with parenting
- think before they speak
-no over top spoiling
And tell them all 50 times, wish i had been more persistent!, it can go awfully wrong
Oh and congratulations!!!! Xxx hope ur are having wonderful intros x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Be child led each is different our two were most comfortable netting people at home it's their safest place which is different to most. No help not just more personal stuff Li ke nappies and feeding but even with things like putting coats on etc keeps a firm message you are the person to rely on. Don't be pressured to rush we introduced very slowly and I'm glad it was really tough so little adult company for me but I do think it's paying off now six months in xxxx you'll be amazing congratulations enjoy xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Meeting not netting sorry


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Good luck! We introduced family after about a month and only neutral locations, other people's homes two months in, no one in the flat until three months. At first we had a no touching, cuddles thing but we relaxed it a bit as he became more comfortable with everyone and it became clear he turned to us for things. We still do all his primary care and don't have many people to the flat.


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

We plan to have people visit us at home - on her territory as I think she will feel safer here! She will meet my parents first - I plan to introduce them after a few days (if I feel LO is ready) DH parents can be a day or two after that. Some people will disagree and say it's too early but I also want her being around her grandparents early on - although DH and I will be doing everything for her I also think it's important that other ppl get to bond. I wouldn't like to go a walk or to the park and have neighbours/ friends meet her before her grandparents! I will also benefit by seeing my parents too! 

Obv this is all if LO seems ok and ready x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Congratulations!

We met with Grandma at a neutral location about three weeks in.  With hindsight, I'm not sure it was a great idea exactly, but it wasn't terrible.  Bug was two.

When she came to stay for a night later on, when I was talking to Bug at bedtime he was holding my hand and was quite tense.  I happened to mention that Grandma would be going home to her house, and he would be staying with Mummy and Daddy at his house, and his hand convulsively tightened on mine and he visibly relaxed.  It was upsetting to see how distressed he'd become, thinking a new person meant a new home.  This was a few months into placement.

After about three months, we went to visit DH's family.  I started working with Bug two weeks before, doing a scrap book of the things he would be doing.  We had a page for each day, and at the bottom of the page was a picture of him in bed, with an explanation of where he would be sleeping that night.  The scrapbook started with a countdown of sleeps until we went, and always finished with, "and then Mummy and Daddy and Bug will come home together to our house to stay."

At our Celebration Day, DH's mum said how wonderfully Bug had settled and coped with his visit.  SWer said, "yes, but that's onyl because his Mummy and Daddy did A LOT OF WORK with him to reassure him and help him understand..."  I love her for that.  

It sounds like a lot of work, but, honestly, it was worth it.  I will never forget the terrified clutch of that hand, convinced his life was about to change again.  I'll go to any lengths to prevent that fear for him.

Personally I'd never rush it.  The rest of the family have a lifetime to grow their relationship, and attachment to you can take a year or more, and we don't get many chances to go back and fix it if it goes wrong.  But that's just my take, and each child is different.


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Brilliant post AoC xxx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Agree with Wynnster, excellent post AOC.

Interestingly, Holly Van Gulden (Adoption speaker and adoptive parent), mentioned at her seminar that our children will make relationships with 'one person at a time', which completely fits with the Social Workers general advice to not introduce too soon.

We waited. We did Skype, without DS knowing  . We found that worked well  

You will know when the time is right Oliver22  . 

Congratulations!!

DE xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Really Wyn?  LOL!  Thanks.    You know I do so like to talk... gggg


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Very sound advice you've had, our LO was only 9 months at placement so our intros to family were earlier but still we ensured we were primary carers x


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Hear, hear! Great post AOC. Pixie was 8.5 months on placement and although he was unable to vocalise it feared another move or change. The clutching of daddy's and and saucer eyes the first time we had a sw visit and the first time we went out in the car after intros convinced me of that. That is why we were particular careful that the flat became his sanctuary. He loves going out but is giddy with happiness when he comes back after a long day!


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

Thanks for all the advise. Last sleep tonight before I pick her up for good.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Exciting times oliver222 enjoy xx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Congratulations oliver. What a special time.
I hope you and your lg have had a wonderful first day and night.
Lots of good advice.
I echo frangipani - be really clear with your family. I thought I had been but apparently not and when I invited my parents over after couple of weeks, I thought I was simply reiterating a message I had previously given that they would be chatting to us and not paying much attention to our lb and we would build up to cuddles after a couple of visits (lb was a baby). My dad devastated me by saying he would't visit under those circumstances and would wait until he could treat him like a normal grandchild.
He came after a long, v calm (!) explanatory email, because I made it clear I really wanted him to and needed him to abide by our guidelines. (Which he respectfully referred to as social work mumbo jumbo- thanks dad!!) 
Apparently in advance I had been a bit woolly and just talked about our son needing to bond with us before others (I am sure I said more but that was that my family took away) but with hindsight I realise my they thought once we got past lockdown it would be wall to wall cuddles. I hadn't explicitly spelled out how we envisaged the integration going once it began.
Sorry- an essay!
Good luck to you and your lg.
Xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Gettina how old was your lb at placement? I fear the same situation for us in the next few weeks. I've had the same conversation over and over, they've read books and watched programs but the bearer it is the less respectful my dad is becoming. I think the issue is because lo is so young he thinks it doesn't apply now. 😞


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Exciting times Becs!

Our lb was 6 months at placement and my dad certainly felt he was too young to have any issues and all my family to different extents let us know they felt we were being too uptight about the gradual introductions we insisted upon and that it would be much better for all to shower him with love and cuddles. It was hard because their enthusiasm came from love and happiness and also I underestimated how desperate I would be to show him off to family (skype is great but doesn't cut it!). But we felt ( and still do) that it made a lot of sense to get him solid with us first. We also felt their position was self centred ~ about their wish to cuddle rather than what was best for him. In the scheme of things it was a fair bit of upset over a period no longer than six weeks so I do wish they'd just put up and shut up tbh. 
You just put your child first and others no matter who have to work around it.

Hope all goes well and good work on the talking you are doing with your folks - you might not bring them round but at least they should know what to expect.

Gettina x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

We were told by wider family that we were listening too much to SW mumbo jumbo! However they did respect our rules (LM was 15mths at placement). It helped that he erupted into tears if someone came too close so they didn't even try and get early cuddles plus LM wasn't a cuddly baby. If it helps I hid behind the 'SW rules until AO' theory so that helped give us a good 6months where they didn't question as much.

It's only now 2yrs into placement that some of the "talks" I gave are making some sense to family - although some just think we're very overprotective and don't see all the fall out we cope with on a daily basis for something that comes easily for neces/nephews etc

Good luck - family are hard as you know it's from love but don't under-estimate how fiercely protective you can become overnight with your cub and more so if you visibly see the unsettledness a Move causes littlies.

X


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks guys, We had our intro plans yesterday which I went through with them. The bit in there about no visitors during intros as predicted caused the expected outburst from my dad followed by the ensued heated discussion! He said don't make a drama out of it he's used to seeing lots of strangers! I said yes but he's used to seeing strangers with his fc's (his mum and dad to him!). Discussed with my mum who said she got it and she'd sort him out! We will be doing the meeting with them quite early on as they will be a very big part of his life as he will likely see them most days as we're a close family in distance as well. We've said to sw we will be having xmas lunch with them which they were ok with as they can see we will head home if necessary.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I think the thing to remember ( and to re-iterate to others) is that you only get one chance to do this right..its absolutely imperative that bonding with you goes smoothly..if you rush things it shakes the childs trust/security/attachments and its much harder to to then go back to where you were. the first few weeks/months are SO important and you dont get them back.
kj x


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thanks keemjay you are so right. It's already wearing very thin with a lot of people. We're being told we're being over the top for not doing certain things as lo is only a baby so they won't know any different! Or the ones from other parents when I've expressed concern over being expected to go somewhere I'm not comfortable with during one of our extremely long intro days to be told "oh well you'll have to do these things at some time or another, it's no different to having a baby, it's still a steep learning curve when you have a baby".😡
Uh yes it's entirely different to having a baby, did you take your baby somewhere where you weren't comfortable going when you'd been a mother for 8 hours, or spend your 3rd day with your new baby in a strangers house for 14 hours! Nope didn't think so! But these are all the things we're expected to do on TOP of the steep learning curve of becoming a parent coupled with the fact everyone expects you to be like a mum of a 6 month baby because that's how old your baby is.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Great point Keemjay. I often said to my husband when he thought I was being OTT  that even if we were being too careful, being too careful could not do any harm. Being too careful cannot harm the bonding process.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Sorry to interrupt the chat ladies.  Please continue to chat about 'introducing family' here and thanks to the two posters who clicked on report to moderator   

To whom it concerns,

I have removed a 'media request' message posted on this thread.  Any such messages need to be approved by Management prior to posting.

If you still wish to pursue this, please contact site founders Mel, Tony, Chux or Dizziquirrel with your request.

Thank you
Dame Edna


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