# My Journey



## HoneyCupcakes

Hi Diary,

I feel I need to have closure on our last 4 years of operations and treatment. This is my first diary and it will be more for me to look back on and hopfully enjoy the next exciting step of our journey for our own family.

Also, just maybe a little someone might like to come and read why we did what we did, and why we are going through the next process.

Me and DH have been on a very long journey trying to have a baby. Its odd even saying that now, because it seems so long ago, even though our last ICSI cycle ended in early December with a brief BFP (chemical pregnancy). 

It all started back in 2008-9 when I decided that I would come off the depo injection, which I did but then had a wobble and had the coil fitted. I had for awhile irregular spotting which I was told was due to the depo injections leaving my body. I was happy with this and carried on enjoying work and life.

Then we decided ok we are ready, we have good jobs and a new little house ready for a little one to join us and our furry cat baby Mr B. I went to the clinic and was told the threads were to short and would have to go to the hospital to have it remove. Fine, and off we went.

This was the day that changed our life forever.

As I was examined the doctors still couldn't remove it but said they could see shadows in my uterus. At this point DH fainted and doctors raced into action while I was left sitting on the examination table in shock and worried for DH. We were left in a quiet room not knowing what to do next  

After the hospital discharged us saying we could be seen in a few weeks DH was straight on the phone to private clinics for help. I remember sitting in the car numb. DH was wonderful.

Harley Street was our next point of call acouple of days and a wallet alot lighter. The doctor was lovely and got the coil out and reassured us that I'd be ok. I was booked in for a operation to see what was going on.

After a stressful time in London the doctor said he had found lots of endometriosis cycsts on my ovaries   which he said he had removed the best he could, and for us to go home recover and try for our baby. Which we did, but nothing so after a wait we were put on the NHS waiting list resulting in our first round of ICSI at Leicester = BFN and a unhelpful, unkind doctor. We left and moved to Bourn Hall in Cambs.

More tests and lap and dye proceedures showing I had a huge swolled fallopian tube filled with fluid which was leaking into my womb. Another operation to remove this and 3 more ICSI rounds all but one resulting in BFN.

The only one that took I think was a change of tacktics. Another operation, steriods and I had the egg based intralipid infusion. When we got the good news it was a strange feeling of being happy but not being able to really show it. Would it last...... 

We were on a mini break with our cat when we found out   so it was very sureal. Early pregnancy symptom was burping alot and then it slowly just stoppped and a week later it was over and our world crashed in around us. I couldn't see through all the tears and pain. All this for nothing. All this pain and money for what! We hadn't told anyone about this treatment to make it easier on us. Our family is very supportive but even so the questions of "any news" does start to but the fear of God in you.

I sought counselling and cried for what felt like weeks. A holiday to Lanzaroti didn't help, I felt awful as DH was trying so hard to be strong for us both.

It took alot to get to where I am now and I couldn't keep living my life with tears, upset and anger everyday. I think the treatment of ICSI had changed me and I didn't like who I was becoming.

Now 4 months on I am so happy and excited at what the future holds for us. A lovely thing my DH said to me was that he felt he had his girlfriend back   even though we had been married 9 years and been together 15 he could see the old me returning and I was happy and fun again  

Adoption is our new path for us to find our true family.

One day I just thought today is the day and rang the Cambridgeshire council and gave the lady our details. She was nice and chatty and I had to wait for someone to call. I was so happy and lots of smiles all round. It was such an exciting thing to have done. So I waited and waited, a week went by so I rang again and spoke to alot more ladies and finally got through to a very helpful one who wasn't putting me off or trying to put doubt in my mind.

I phone DH very excited and told him we have our information session on the 14th May 2014 and then if we are still happy I had us booked into seeing a social worker called Cathy on the 21st May.

DH is so different now. He is happy and is excited to talk about adoption. He hated talking about treatment and looked so unhappy and pained by the whole process. I love seeing him full of excitement and talking about making a new summer house into a Wendy house. Painting it blue or pink. Ummm not pink thank you maybe light green or a light lemon yellow  

So here we are waiting to take our first step........

xxxx


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## Freedo

Hi honeycupcakes, 

Well done for writing all that down, I felt like I was reading my own history! For the past 5 years I have had 3 surgeries for endo 3 icsi and nothing to show for it! My DH wouldn't consider adoption originally but has now changed, it is 10 months since last tx and we are now on the adoption route, info evening 11. June, we can be buddies!! Good luck xxx


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## Wyxie

Hello honeycupcakes, and welcome.  I wish you all the best and hope the meeting on 21 May goes well.

Wyxie xx


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## HoneyCupcakes

Dear Diary,

Lovely DH has been talking about our future work schedule. It so lovely he is forward planning. It is so different to when we where having treatment. Not that he wouldn't have done all this if things have turned out differently, its just so heartwarming to be communicating in such a positive and forward thinking way. 

I would stop work and look after our LO and he would either get a slightly better paid job, probably in London or we could share the child care. I could get a part time job or go back freelancing part time and he could do the same. I wouldn't want to work at the weekends as this is in my eyes "family time"  

It was so funny at the weekend. We visited my parents as it was my lovely mum's birthday. We were sitting around chatting and the subject of my grandma came up and how she and my granddad adopted my aunt and uncle. My dad and mum told us how back then there would be a room full of babies and the adopters could basically go in a pick a child. It's so different today and I completely understand why. But I'm going off the point.....its as if my parents were physic   Then my mum suggested I volunteer at the local primary school....it was really lovely but very strange. I wanted to just say "yes we are really happy, and yes this is what we plan to do"  But I still feel I need to keep it underwraps, just for now as our little secret. Not because we are ashamed or don't want them to know, but we want to enjoy our moments, just us with these thoughts and conversations.

Also what if we don't even get that far and we don't get approved   I couldn't go through having to explain this to everyone we had told. Well lets hope it doesn't get to that point   Positive thinking and all that  

It will be lovely when the time comes to let them all know, and I know they will be over the moon.

(Hi Wyxie and Freedo, thank you for your posts to my new diary, nice to meet you both xx).

xxxx


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## Loobys

Hi honeycupcakes 

I just wanted to say good luck on your journey,adoption honestly was best decision we made, we have a beautiful little girl who's nearly been home 2 years  x I'm not on here much anymore but was just reading my old diary and thought I'd log on and say hi.


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## HoneyCupcakes

( Thank you Loobys. I'm so happy to see truly happy ladies who have taken the decision to, not forget their past treatment but to know when its time to stop and to find their forever family in another, yet still amazing way. I just can't wait to get the ball rolling in finding our LO. Wishing you all the fun and happiness with your fabulous daughter. )


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## HoneyCupcakes

Hi Diary,

So me and DH went to our information evening in Cambridge last night (14.5.2014). We had some fish and chips before hand because the meeting was going to be 2 hours.

The venue was tiny and had tea and biscuits for us. I was quite nervous as lots of the couples looked alot older than us, and very professional in their suits. I dressed casual smart. I didn't want to be judged but I was being silly   no one was interested in me  

The two ladies doing the presentation were lovely and professional. They both made everyone feel at ease as they handed out information and went through the slide show.

Thank goodness for the recent adoption documentaries as it wasn't so daunting to hear the real side of adoption or what kind of children would be needing homes.

For the last hour a couple who had adopted 3 years ago talked about their experience and the highs and lows of what it is really like. The woman passed around photos of her 2 children and it was so funny how much the children looked alike even though the boy was biologically theirs.

It was great to go yet we were both quite tired staying focused for that amount of time but I'm so happy we went.

On the way home DH said what would I like and asked the questions that the ladies had been explaining to us. It really good because DH and I are on the same page. We agreed on everything e.g age and what type of difficulties we could manage with a child.

We are all booked into seeing a SW called Cathy next week, its all abit crazy   but exciting  

xxxx


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## Wyxie

Sounds like things are happening for you.  I hope the initial meeting goes well.  Are you going with a LA?

Looking forward to hearing how the meeting goes.  

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## HoneyCupcakes

(Hi Wyxie, nice to hear from you   It all seems to be happening slowly but surely. DH is getting a hair cut for tomorrow and I keep planning my outfit   I'm not sure what LA means but I'm making a guess thats it's "local agent / adoption" if I'm right then yes. We have been told that if a LO cannot be found in our area then the agent will look further afield. Lets hope tomorrow brings good exciting news. It's at 3pm so DH is taking time off. I'll be ready by 9am I'm sure   I hope you are well and enjoying the sunshine xxxx )


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## HoneyCupcakes

Hi Diary,

So me and DH had our first unoffical meeting with Cathy. She seemed ok but not as nice as the ladies at the open evening. She did explain to us that she had a cold and was quite tired, so I guess I can forgive her  

She basically went through all the questions that were explained to us at the open evening but of course we had to answer them.

I feel like the rose tinted glasses have been removed and the big reality ones have been put on. 

I not concerned about the medical, or our history etc. I'm now worried about our referees. We need two family members one from both sides and a couple of friends. The problem we have is that our friends don't have kids and DH has a really small family and those he does have he doesn't see very often. 

I'm concerned that we will fall at the first hurdle.

DH said we will just have to see and not put our lives on hold for the what ifs, like all the tx. Its true I'm not going to be thinking 24/7 about this. 

Cathy said she should let us know if her manager thinks we are ok to go ahead and fill out the "I want to go ahead" papers either tomorrow or early next week. Her concern is that our last tx was in December and she thinks her manager will want us to wait 6 months. 

I'm not going to kick up a fuss about the time process. It about getting this right and what will be, will be.

xxxxx


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## Bea39

Hi Honeycupcakes

We are just starting out to, infact we are at the same stage as you, we went for out first interview yesterday.

Just wanted to say hello and say hope you get the phonecall you wanted

Bea


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## HoneyCupcakes

(Hi Bea, thank you for your post. I hope your interview went well for you. It's all so new and getting used to the process may take alittle while   As long as we take it in baby steps I'm sure everything will be ok. Take care xxxx )


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wishing you all the luck in the world. 

It's an amazing process and we're so glad we followed the adoption route out little man is perfect. 

There may be tough times but hang on in there it really is all worth it I promise   

Hugs xxxx


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## HoneyCupcakes

Hi Diary,

Well I think we have been forgotten about  

When we saw Cathy on the 21/5/14 she said she would be off for the next couple of days, then there was the bank holiday, but she has had two days to contact us, plus she had passed on our notes to her manager on the 21st. I wonder what the hold up is.  

I have a day off on Friday so I will ring up and find out.

I have just started a new job, so to be honest I haven't chased her up for obvious reasons. But I just hope they haven't put a big red cross against us and haven't bothered to contact us  

Well I guess Friday may tell us more.

xxxx


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## Wyxie

Sadly, Social Worker timescales are not always great.  They often seem to work in scales of weeks not days.  I would still give them a polite chase though, and don't feel bad about it!  

Our SW to be fair to her was fantastic and did everything she said she would both quickly, and when she said she would do it.  Most don't seem to, unfortunately.  :/

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Ozzycat

Hi Honeycakes,
I found ur diary while browsing the adoption forums and if its ok id lov to follow ur journey and tag along for the ride when we finally start our adoption application. 
Like u me and hubby have been through 4years of fertility hell and finally now im ready and excited to move forward with adoption. 
Weve been told we have to wait 6 months from when I lost my babies so September is our focus. 
Im doing lots of reading and watching (crying) my way through all the adoption programmes and in a few months me and hubby will go to a few adoption information events so we can decide which agency to go ahead with. 
I wish u all the luck in the world and can't wait to see your update which says "I finally have my family"
Xxx


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## HoneyCupcakes

(Hi Wyxie, thank you for your reply   Its good to know that its probably not us and like you explained the time scale of their hectic work load. Cathy said that there is one lady who deals and processes the medicals so I'm sure that will take awhile too. She also said that due to all the adoption programmes their work load has increased alot. Which of course is amazing, and I can't imagine the pressure that job puts on them all   )

(Hi Ozzycat, lovely to hear from you and that my diary has got your interest   I'm so sorry about what you have had to go through. I really hope things start to run smoothly for us all in this new and exciting process. Starting my new job and having to get used to a unusual rota has left me exhausted so I'm happy I have a day off today. Take care everyone xxxx)


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## HoneyCupcakes

Hi Diary,
So I have just made the call to see what the delay could be. Cathy isn't in so hopefully get a call back from someone else today  
xxxx

No call...more waiting !

Got the call today ( Wednesday 4th June ) well it was a voice message and an apology   Next step, filling in the paper work.


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## HoneyCupcakes

Hi Diary,

Wow this is taking along time, waiting for DH to talk to his two friends to being our referees. One down one to go.... 

I've been thinking alot about my early pregnancy recently but I think its because the adoption has not been moving forward, and my due date would be August. Its a strange feeling of knowing I have to (and am) moving forward, but what if it had worked? I hope DH's mate rings tonight so DH can post the paperwork off this weekend.

I really am getting better around pregnant ladies and I know this because I haven't been broken by working with a lovely pregnant gal. 

I read on someones post on here that was it more important being pregnant or being a mum, and this has really stayed with me. 

During tx I really didn't think I'd ever get pregnant let alone have a real baby at the end, so I was fighting to just be pregnant. When it did happen it was so unreal I couldn't get my head around the idea of being a mum at the end to my own baby. Even when a nurse said to me you'll be a mum soon it was if he was talking to someone behind me. I guess I'm abit hormonal today as I nearly had a cry at work the other day due to some stressful situations rather than any baby things.

I think I just needed to write this down to get it off my chest, sorry Diary its nothing adoption related   Maybe soon.

Oh, also getting used to the idea of fostering to adopt a new born baby. (please feel free to post any experiences of this ladies)

xxxxx


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## HoneyCupcakes

Dear Diary,

Omg !!!!

Dh got a phone call today to say they have received our paper work and we will be contacted to have our sw assigned to us in about 6 days 

The only thing they are unsure about is how long it has been since our last tx (Dec) Dh was fab he emphasised that I would be so upset if this stopped us, they reassured him that this would not be the case. 

Telling my folks soon  

xxxx


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## HoneyCupcakes

Dear Diary,

All 4 referees have now been told. 

Just hope I can trust them not to mention anything to anyone until we decide too talk about it openly.

xxxx


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## HoneyCupcakes

Dear Diary,

So this now feels very real. When I got in from work last night a large brown envelope was waiting for us. It was face down but I knew that it was from the adoption agency.

Hurray we have been accepted and it all kicks off from here. Stage 1 here we come.

I had a brief scan through, and wow there is alot to read, and alot of days to take off, but I need to sit down soon and really get to grips with that we now need to do.

The only thing now that's playing on my mind is the days / half days I need to take off. I work odd shifts but I don't know if I should tell my line manager yet or leave it until we get assigned to our sw?

I just seem to be waiting and bumbling along until I get the next phone call or letter.

Anyway its a positive step forward and a big smile is in order  

xxxx

Ok Diary now I'm stressed out. I have just gone through all the paperwork which is fine more filling stuff out, but its all the days we need to take off and its so many. I don't even have that amount of spare days and because I work odd days on and off its making it so much harder. I'm feeling really churned up over this and quite worried / upset that none of this is easy. I need to talk it through with dh sooner than later. Why can't life be easy. I'm so tired at the thought of going though all this. All we want to do is to give a child a happy secure home. I'm not sure if I can ring the agent and see if days can be moved or wether those are set dates. I hate ringing them up as I feel stupid. HELP!!!!!


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## Tw1nk82

Honeycupcakes looks like we are pretty much at the same stage x


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## Wyxie

Honeycupcakes, I understand your stress. Some dates will be set in stone - prep course for example won't be moveable. What are all the dates? Are they dates for your home study? If so, you should be able to speak to your SW and try to move them to times that fit around your shifts. If your SW makes an issue of it, then I would just point out that you want to save up any goodwill/holiday and demands for sudden flexibility for _after_ you have a child with you, rather than using it up on meetings which with a little planning from you and your SW could be arranged around your shifts. I think it's also sensible to want to save as much holiday as you can for holiday in what is probably going to be your last childless year, because you'll want to get a break, and be as refreshed as possible, when you do have a child placed. Most SWs should understand this sort of argument.

You might also want to speak to your work about time off - if you were pregnant you'd get anti-natal appointments off fully paid. I know at some point it's going to become mandatory that they allow you _some_ time off, but I don't know when that comes into effect offhand. In the meantime perhaps you could reach some sort of agreement with work that you will attempt to move as many appointments as possible to "off" shift time, and see if they would allow you time off for some of the unmoveable appointments or possibly to vary your shifts. It may be realistic to think of taking prep off as holiday, but things like approval and matching panel a lot of employers will simply agree to pay you for, similarly meetings with child's SW and foster carers once you're linked. Telling your line manager what you're doing and talking through the logistics of it may not be a bad idea anyway.

We applied under the old system which was a little different, but our SW was very flexible. We both managed time off during the day for our individual meetings but she would have visited in the evening if we'd needed her to, it just may have left us with a slightly longer time to panel. We had 4 days of prep, and I would estimate in total about 2 1/2 days of home study over 6 or 7 meetings. Add the medicals, second opinion meeting and panel into that and I'd guess it took about 8-10 "working" days to get approved. Matching meetings and matching panel probably about another 4 days. That was over the space of a year.

I understand your panic and I worried about making it fit around work. We were lucky in how sympathetic both of our employers were. Not all are but you won't know until you ask. Try not to worry too much until you've spoken to SS and your employers and worked out what will actually be involved.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## HoneyCupcakes

( Hi Wyxie, 
Thank you hun for taking time to post your very helpful advice. Getting an understanding of how many days for different bits of the process has really helped me, thank you. 
Hope you are well and enjoying yourself 
xxxx )


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## HoneyCupcakes

Dear Diary,

To my sweetest little "Pudding" who will forever be in the center of my heart and soul. I will never, ever forget you and feel so happy you chose to spend that time with me. Love and hugs my dearest one.   (End of Aug 2014).

xxxx


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