# How to tell my child she was abandoned at birth



## cookies81 (Aug 24, 2009)

Hi ladies I'm wondering does anyone have experience with this? Not knowing anything about te BM cause the child was abandoned ? My baby was found somewhere in a box so no details at all on her BF she's only nine months now but she will grow up and have questions? What do I say? I don't want her to feel unwanted cause God knows how much we wanted her but still the woman who carried her in her womb for 9 Mths threw her away like garbage    and I don't want my baby to ever feel she isn't worthy or unloved  or different  . Help!


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## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

No real words of help but this could be looked at in different ways, abandoned doesnt necessarily mean any different to reliquinshed, just that the BM could have been scared, ashamed, had no support, no home, money and didnt know where to turn etc etc so did it the cowards way to get her child a better life by leaving her to be found, as you or your child will never know either way for sure I think personally (obvioulsy would have to think long and hard) I would be more inclined to steer in that direction of storyline. Not everyones choice but a definite option to consider.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

I think you said this was a lot more common in her home country so I would use that as a starting base. Baaf have some great books about talking to your adopted child. There's also a lot if similar cases in Uk in 60s/70s and in America so it may even be worthwhile having a look on Amazon about books written by mothers who abandoned/gave up their babies. It will help you maybe understand.

I'd be inclined to look at someone whom you may be able to talk to also as you've posted before this is obviously weighing on your mind. At the end of the day your little girl will grow up being loved and very much wanted and how you tell her past will influence her feelings about this. By being the great mummy you are you can help her go through her thoughts and promote her self esteem.

Good luck x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Exploits_of_Moominpappa

i don't know if telling her she was abandoned is a good idea, but in the event you do, i have always loved this book, Moominpappa was left on the doorstep of the orphanage but ran away and had loads of adventures then settled down and lived happily ever after. 
read some of the first page here... http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Exploits-Moominpappa-Described-Himself/dp/0140303235#reader_0140303235
i think it makes 'unknowns' seem more like 'possibilities' than mysteries... he breaks away from what might have been expected of him to follow his own destiny.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

I think the key is to tell them as much as they can handle at the age they are at.  It is not easy for any of us here   .  Drip feed the story but stress how much you wanted her and that she was made for you.  Hiding the truth is not the way to go.  The truth will be hard to take and it is heartbreaking but better she knows the truth in the long run as this will build trust between you.  

Do you have access to post adoption support at all via your local authority?  If so, they could advise you how to start this process of telling.  A simple, 'I am so glad you're my daughter and we adopted you', might be sufficient at the moment.
X


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

She will not ask starting at early age unless you open the topic. i wouldn't tell her until she's old enough to understand. Also, I would never tell her she was abandoned in the box. It might affect her, so why to do that. I would mention adoption agency only. If she asked about any info on her mum, I would tell her the agency didn't have it.


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## cookies81 (Aug 24, 2009)

Thank you all for taking the time and answering ! Yes it is very common in the home country but no one is willing to talk about it and I love her so much and can't handle the idea of her hurting


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

its a difficult story to share  
you can ask for some post adoption support on this..there must be someone who could advise you
I like Gerties idea of reading some real life stories to help you understand better..these days there seems to be a 'tragic life stories' section in kost bookshaps so have a browse. I recently read a book which really helped me to better understand how my childrens birth mother went down the road she did..


like the others ahve said I dont think you need to introduce the 'abandoned'..obviously I dont know he details but you could say 'X was so sad she couldnt look after you/give you the life you deserved, so she wrapped you up snug and put you in a place where someone would find you and be able to look after you'   


kj x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

'X was so sad she couldnt look after you/give you the life you deserved, so she wrapped you up snug and put you in a place where someone would find you and be able to look after you'   

Love that idea Kj x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi
I'm sure you've already done this but I just googled "abandoned babies in Sudan" and sound several articles. They might be nice to print out and keep for future in case they are lost online in the future. 
Some explain why it's hard for mothers to keep their babies in this country. 
Other are specific stories relating to a particular child which although unlikely to be your LO are real life stories about others in the same position. 
If it were me I'd love to read stuff about my situation, similar babies and the reasons why it happens so often in Sudan. Anything to give a sense of identity no matter how tenuous it may appear to be. 
Best of luck for you and precious LO


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

In contrast to other people I would say yes DO mention this before she asks - it is much easier to talk about something to a child who doesn't really understand what you are saying (!) and it's also easier to drip feed from a younger age.

She also WILL ask when she's older exactly how she was found (I know some Chinese adoptees have gone back to the exact place they were found and have found that really helpful - not sure how possible that would be for you), and I would not lie to her. Her birth mother wanted to keep her safe and she probably knew she'd be found and kept safe.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Yes, I'm with TheSpouses with that one.  There's a lot of evidence that if you start having conversations about difficult things so that they become 'normal' before all the implications are fully understood by the child, it's much easier on them.

We have some tough things to share with Bug (very tough) and the plan is to do life story work lightly on a regular basis, starting with the basics and building in the more complex/harder details as he gets secure in that.  I'm determined he'll grow up knowing how loved he is, how safe he is, where he came from, how he came to us, and that no-one is ashamed of his story.  

Personally, in our circumstances, I think the key is being able to relate the story with compassion for everyone involved, so that he doesn't feel that we 'hate' the people concerned.  He doesn't need to be trying to manage our anger as well as his own.

Good luck!


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Firstly i agree with normalising it and drip feeding. We have with our daughter and it has worked but she went through abuse and violence til she was 3 so it is something we have needed to normalise. It must be hard to think about her being abandoned when you wanted her so much. She is so young! I dont believe that by worrying about it now it is doing you or her any good. She will only need simple and honest information over the next few years until she is old enough to comprehend. I was given up for adoption at birth which I recognise is not abandoned but as a child I didnt split hairs over that it felt like I was abandoned but my feelings only started when I was in my teens. I rebelled, got slightly obsessed that I wasnt wanted or loved. I also thought I was a bad child, in fact I thought there was something horrible about me that nobody was telling me. Why wouldnt my birth mum want me. Those feelings as hard as they sound didnt interrupt my lovely life they just  unsettled me every now and again! My real parents just took all the emotions and stood solid and let me work through them until I realised what a beautiful thing adoption was. So what I am saying is dont expect the worse, dont plan for a conversation when you have no idea when and if you need to have it. Some children just dont care they recognise the love around them. Relax, enjoy your child and remember how resilient children are. I couldnt love my parents more than I do and in fact I think I love them too much lol! Just be her mummy and the history will all make sense in the end. 
Sorry if I have waffled but I wanted to give you my insight even though circumstances are different. 
Take care and enjoy. Xxx


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## cookies81 (Aug 24, 2009)

Fran   thank you and thank you for sharing your story and experience it has given me a lot to think about


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## Zargus (Jan 9, 2012)

I cant offer anything more than has already been said, drip feed age appropriately.  And be honest.

Maybe try to find a local "telling" course.  DH and I went on one recently run by our LA and it was very very useful.  In fact there was a lady there with 2 children who she had adopted from abroad and for whom no past history of birth family was known.  One thing she had done was to take them to the area they were born to show them where they came from.  

The main thing we did take from the course was that withholding information is a bad idea.  You need to be open and honest in an age appropriate way.


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