# To go it alone or in unhappy relationship



## KoalaBlue (Sep 8, 2012)

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could offer me their views on my problems. I am living abroad and very homesick. I miss my family badly even though I go home a few times a year. I have threatened and fantasised about leaving this country and returning home so many times. I have been trying to conceive with my partner for 2 years, but it has not happened. I am turning 37. I am about to do IVF but I am getting very cold feet. If I wanted to move home, my partner could not come with me as he is older and has kids from a previous relationship living here. I just don't know if I'll ever be happy here. This puts a lot of strain on my relationship (as do his kids, who stay with us at weekends).  Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I think I will end up moving home to be with my family eventually. i don't see this relationship lasting. I fear it is wrong to bring a baby in to this relationship for that reason. On the other hand, I am desperate to be a mother and have waited so long for this. I am worried I might miss my chance entirely. I have seriously contemplated donor sperm but my friends have said this would be madness when i have a partner I love who is a "great guy". I think it might be preferable for the child as he or she grows up to know that they have a father out there somewhere, and know that I loved him ?(if that's not too soppy?). Please, please give me some advice as I am going crazy with worry over the  up I have made of my life.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

hi
i think you should get a holiday and go *home*. Go with the idea of looking at the place on a rainy day... look at it with open eyes and mind. It's really easy to yearn for something else ... the grass is always greener as they say. The reality is often not quite what we expect. 
Don't rush in to ivf if you are not ready to make a commitment. 
Try visualising your own funeral after along life... imagine you are reading your obituary.. what does it say?
Some people have to be *home* and will never be happy until they are.
Some people will never be happy because no matter what they do they can't commit to it.. they are always looking over their shoulder for something else. 
Happy isn't a destination it's what happens when you stop worrying.

You have to figure out what Really matters. Nobody else can figure that out for you. There isn't a 'wrong' way to live your life but it is Your life and your choice and as soon as you commit, 100%, to any idea (even the bad ideas!) things are easier. If you can't commit to something, that is a warning sign... but if you can't commit to *anything* then you need a rethink...

good luck ... you can figure it out!


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## flowerfaery (Apr 26, 2012)

Have you talked to your partner about your feelings?  If the two of you are in a place where you can no longer communicate and be honest with each other then that is a problem that needs fixing before you bring a child into the relationship.  Also be aware that if you have a baby with your partner and then want to leave the country he may be able to prevent you from doing so through the courts and you will be stuck there for the next 18yrs.  Do not underestimate how nasty a custody battle can get and the impact on any child involved.  Most people think that they will be able to manage an amicable split and yet it rarely works out like that, especially once lawyers are involved.
If you still love your partner then speaking to a relationship counsellor or just having some very honest talks about how you both see the future may mean you can find a way forward together.  Bringing a child into an "unhappy relationship" is not a recipe for building a happy family though.

I hope you manage to find a way forward that works for you, there are plenty of threads on here from people going it alone, but it has to be a decision that you're comfortable with.
bw
Flower


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## KoalaBlue (Sep 8, 2012)

Thanks guys. I really think I do have a commitment problem, goldbunny I think you have hit on something there. It is so hard to commit to being away from home, and alternatively to leaving the man I love. We talk about things all the time. He is so sick of it he's agreeing to anything at this stage, he just wants me to be happy!


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## SingleMuslim (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi

Sorry that you are in such a quandary.
Like others Have advised, I would not moving one way or another yet but to consider everything:

1 if homesick, Try visiting home and deciding if things are so bad.
2 be careful to investigate the laws of thr country you are living in, some countries are far more heavily weighted towards the woman
3 only you can decide if going solo id best for you and the donor route the best for me it is, though not my ideal.


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi KoalaBlue    

I think you know the answer yourself.  It doesn't matter if everything adds up on paper to be right, it's got to be how you feel.  I think talking it through (on FF), or just writing it all down to yourself is a good way to identify your feelings.  You will get different types of answers from single people to those in a relationship too.  It's heartening to hear your partner wants you to be happy.    I think things will flag up when you talk about it or mull it over.  I find the best way to find where my head is can be done with a long solo car journey (if you drive, don't do this if not   ), or a trip on the train.  It needs to be at least 1h hour 30 mins one way, longer if possible.  I've also lived away from home and have returned because I didn't like where I was, but I've hated it when I've come back every time - the problems that made me leave are still here.  

Anyhoo, lots of good response on here, lots of great ideas and a real diversity of answers.  See how you go working through some things and I really recommend a short trip if it's all getting too much, your subconscious will break though and tell you stuff that you won't connect to just thinking or worrying.

Take care - Diesy


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

braxma14: I love your honesty and telling it like it is about your experience. It's refreshing and did I say I love your honesty?   Keep it up!


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## KoalaBlue (Sep 8, 2012)

Thank you everyone! Braxma14 - wow - hard hitting words. Would your advice change if I said I had no money worries (my family has plenty and I have a good profession) and that my partner would not try to force me and the child to stay here (he has promised this and from what I know of him, he would not.) 

The problem is I feel so much guilt, it feels morally wrong to have a baby with someone when I expect to leave at some point in the future. I find myself looking forward to maternity leave from work when I could go home for 6 months! My partner says he's ok with this - but is this normal? But maybe it would not turn out like this.. maybe I would want to stay with my baby's daddy. Maybe my mom would come over here to stay for a while. Maybe I wouldn't like it at home for an extended period. I just don't know and it is impossible to predict! I am trying to read the future but I can't. All I know is that when I wake up in the morning I just feel this homesickness like an ache.  I really don't know if I can go through the IVF because I feel I am trapping myself in this place which is not my home.

Good advice to visit home - however I have already tried this several times (my homesickness and doubt has been going on for years) , it just makes me more confused. When it comes time to leave home I cry and cry at the airport, but I do also enjoy the reunion with my partner. I also imagine returning with a baby and thinking about how delighted everyone would be with me and that cheers me up.    
Diesy I am going to go on a bus ride today. thank you.


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## KoalaBlue (Sep 8, 2012)

I have decided to pull out of the ivf I was doing. Don't know if I will have the courage to quit my job and go home, start a new life.... but 'm going to try. I nee to try and be positive about taking some control in my life.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Koala
best of luck in your new life!
Maybe being newly single and starting a new job etc will give you some perspective and you may be glad you did it.

On the other hand, I now so wish I had tried to work things out with the university boyfriend I left when I was 27, perhaps we could have rekindled it a year on or so. Everyone I've met since then has been an absolute disaster, and it is so much harder to TTC when you are single, be it with a donor, co-parent or good friend.
I am glad I didn't end up with a child by any of my exes I had since that r'ship ended, but I still grieve for my miscarried babies and the 'could-have-beens' - mainly people I was interested in, who didn't want me.
Being in a relationship is a blessing, but feeling trapped with the wrong person is a nightmare.
Only you know which one you've just disentangled yourself from.

My family also live in another country (albeit in Europe, a short plane journey away) but I have friends' support over here and my mum may take on some work in the UK to help me with my baby. There is also the option I may live over there for a limited time, although I feel the UK is my home now.

Did you just stay here for the sake of the relationship?
May your new life be blessed with success and happiness, keep us posted! x


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

I think you've made the right decision re. the IVF, doesn't sound like the right time for you. 

Best of luck with the rest of your dilemma. It sounds like you have big doubts about your relationship and, generally, when we feel like this it's for good reason. Easy for me to say, I know, but life is too short to be miserable.


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

HI Koala Blue:
I wish you the best and I hope you feel more control in your life.   Take care and please let us know how you are doing.


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