# New & Depression



## loubelou72 (Mar 1, 2006)

hi everyone

this is one of my first posts, i have been reading the boards for a while but not posting.

anyway i am due to start my first ivf after 7 yrs ttc no: 2 and i am currently finding life hard.

in feb i had 2wks off work i just broke down one day and couldnt stop crying and had to tell hubby everything.. basically i had tried to pretend that after years of going down the nhs route ttc i had had enough and was satisifed with one child. looking back i think i did this as a way to cope but in feb i just fell apart and couldnt keep the act up anymore. my mum my hubby and all our family and friends were dumb founded as they really thought i had got over it and moved on........... i must be a really good actor....
anyway hubby said we will have ivf if thats what you want and it was... so we are now on our journey... but to be honest i am having really bad days were hubby can do no right and he bears the brunt of everything.
i love him so so much, but i hurt him so so much with the things i say and do.
i went to my gp again today and he gave me some anti d's  ( didnt know they were anti d's )  till i got home, i told him everything and said i felt very pmt all the time and very snappy and i couldnt help myself... i told him i didnt feel suicidal or depressed just angry all the time....
anyway when i got home i have read up and you cant take anti d's whilst ttc and esp whilst having ivf so i am back to square one and would appreciate any help, support and advice...

has anyone else felt like this or is it just me!!!

i feel like if i dont resolve this i am gonna ruin my marriage...... please help.

louise x x x x


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Louise  
I have moved your post here in the hope that we can support you better, 

I too have depression and what your describing is all to real to me, I'm feeling the same way at the moment,

My best advice is 
1. take the anti depressants, I am assuming your IVF cycle is not starting right now. 
2. see if your clinic or GP can get you some counselling.
both of these will help you gain and keep control before undergoing IVF - You need to talk to your DH but often talking with a cousellor first helps. 
There are some really good place here for you on FF and many people will understand exactly how you are feeling  
I wish there was more I could say to help, all I can say is youve made a very good first move by posting here tonight
Sending you lots of      (positive vibes) and some  

~Dizzi~


A link to the Secondary Infertility board. http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/board,44.0.html


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi louise 
your not on your own reading your story sounded like i had wrote it it is all how i feel  i had ANTI,DS after i lost the last baby but i only had 1months suply as it was enough then i had to try and get my head together
i still have my outbursts but i can control them now 
and like u my DP and family thought i was now getting over thing but how do we and the more i get told be happy with the child u have doesnt help the pain is still there only this sunday i exploaded on my DP as he is sick of me snapping all the time coz at times he can't do anything right and because of this the passion is going between us, coz how can you be so close when someone is so cruel as i am to him when i get all worked up like you i come out with some nasty things  but it is down to me as i keep how i really feel all locked up untill im about to expload
he doesn't realise how scary things are when each time i go to the hospital they want to redo all old test as they think there is more probs  
now i feel better for getting that off my chest 
feel free to msn me or pm  anytime 
going to bed now 
will be back tomoz 
steph


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## Mackintosh (Aug 18, 2004)

Hi Louise

I feel for you so much. I was like you I just broke down one morning and sobbed for Scotland
my DP was shocked. I wanted my babies back and couldn't see past this at all. I had to take 
time off work I just couldn't carry on or keep it together anymore. I still can't sometimes
and I still want another baby so much and it still hurts. I too was given anti d's and like 
you didn't want to take them, because of wanting to convieve and you just don't know if they
stop your chances or cause problems for the fetus. 
I think you should discuss with your GP what you and him may think might be best for you, 
we are all different people, but like you I didn't know what he was prescribing me until I 
got home and I needed to talk it through, see what he thought other options could be.

I went back to my GP and told him I didn't want to take them and that I wanted help with a 
councellor first. He was really pleased by that and I now see one every week. It is the 
councellor that gave me the courage to post on this site only last week, before then I just 
couldn't do it anymore. I talk about everything to him, sometimes I shout or cry about things
and sometimes I sulk. He lets me and talks me through everything, I always come out exhusted
but always feel a bit better the next day.

I don't blame anyone but I can get quite a rat on with all the beautiful people in my life 
for all the wrong reasons, when I feel at my most low or desperate. It is anger that I feel,
anger and loneliness but I've been told that is part of the cycle of greiving. 

It is not just you, I felt so alone and lost last week but knowing I'm not the only one that
has these feelings I've started to realise I'm normal(ish). I had been keeping many of my
feelings and thoughts a secret which I guess made them bigger in my head.

Don't know if I'm being much help to you but I do send you lots of happy wishes.
Take care of yourself

Mackintosh


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## Nats (Aug 22, 2003)

Just wanted to say that you arent on your own.....

and to wish you so much luck in your up and coming IVF cycle!

Love Natsxx


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## teardrop (Mar 15, 2006)

Louise,
hun your not on your own we all get depressed form time to time,and i can hold my hands up to this,the fustration of wanting a baby and ivf treatments,pg losses  is depressing enough.
we can understand what your going through.
you`ll find lots of support here on this site its great 
best wishes

luv
teardrop
xxx


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## ed (Mar 14, 2006)

welcome Louise    i am doing exactly the same to my DH, sometimes he looks at me as if i am off the planet. i will not take tablets as i think it will make me bury further the pain i hold in. i have seen a councillour and that helped. my DH found this site and as i am embarrassed to talk about what has happened to me, i have  found it a great support. people on here reach out to you and make you feel not alone. sending you       take care ED


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi louise and welcome to ff

Good luck with the IVF

Kate


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## loubelou72 (Mar 1, 2006)

i would like to reply to everyone and say a huge thanks for such a warm welcome to this site. it was so nice and comforting to read you posts and i am relieved to know that other people are feeling the same way as me.
i have decided not to take the anti depressants,, if i am honest i am frightened to take them as i have never had anything like that before....but also it says they make take a month to get in my system and then i will have to stop them once i start the ivf treatment which could be in a month or so time also.....
i have been feeling abit better today, think the blow out i have every now and again helps me to get things off my chest, i know it is def. not the right way to go around things and dh is getting the brunt of all this. i am not sure if i am to approach gp about some form of counselling i feel abit embarrassed about the whole thing, i am not sure if i would find talking to a stranger easy..... it makes me feel uncomfortable even talking about..... i think i will just cry and that will be it...... when i went to the docs in feb ( when i cracked the first time ) i had everything planned that i was going to say but when i got in there i was just a blubbering mess... the poor doctor didnt know what to do.... i dont think she had expected it at all... i smiled sat down she asked me what was up and blubber blubber blubber..... is all she got...!!! poor thing!!!!
i told dh that i am finding this all hard to deal with, i am such a strong person and usually the life and sole of the party... still am... but it is all an act at present cos inside i am melting away slowly....i just feel like the real me is fading away and this horrible person inside is coming through. i have threw numerous remote controls at dh, and the other wk he had sausages and bacon thrown at him.......was just cooking breakfast... i flipped and he got them thrown at him..... i giggle went i think back at it but seriously it isnt funny at all..... i just turn into a raving looney....
the other thing that worries me is that i have ds and although i dont want to argue in front of him sometimes when i flip there is no predicting it and it just happens and he hears the arguing.......poor thing.......
i may try calms from asda has anyone tried these?? i have also read that st johns wort is good too ....

am i depressed ?? am i stressed ? or do i need anger management ?
i am soo confused.

oh well i have waffled enough.....

thanks for all your input everyone, it really has helped.......you are all so great!!!!

love and hugs louise xx


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## carrie3479 (Nov 30, 2005)

hi louise,
welcome to FF,
hope you find all the help and support you need. best of luck   
Corrina


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi lousie
i felt the same fear about talking to a counsellor but u will b so supprised wen u start u carnt stop  coz they expect u to break down i only had 10 sections with her as my employers had paid for it coz i work with disabled adults who have learning disabilities and MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES so they have to help staff who are dealing with there own problems of depression so we can focus on our jobs .although i did feel after the 10 sections that i had delt with so much and di become more +iv but there are still days wen i explode for the smallest things but i do find it easier to calm myself down now 
and i have a dd who hears me and i feel so guilty coz she shouldnt see her mum like this but i only feel the guilt afterwards i am trying to keep calm in front of her and it does become easier but then each time i get myself together i get more -iv news and im bak to square 1 my dd is now 9 and she is so supportive with me she will say mum it is ok to cry thats wen i realise how lucky i am no matter how much i hurt she keeps me going  then the taers turn into cuddles 
take care hurt doesnt go away but we can learn to handle it easier 
steph


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## Mackintosh (Aug 18, 2004)

Hi Louise

I too was like you and Steph, I was really scared about talking to a stranger, but in some
ways feels easier now. He doesn't judge nor is he is my daily life so I can pour out all my
feelings and know it stays in that room. I am still going on a regular basis, I still need 
it. If you can pluck the courage up try it, I'm glad I did.
I understand what you mean about just loosing what you had planned to to say to your GP. I 
had to go back with notes because my emotions got in the way of me speaking to him properly.

And Steph 
I know just how you feel, I want to be everything to my boys but when they ask if
we can have another baby at our house, I want to tell them yes, but I keep saying We'll see.
I have to be strong for them, they love babies and of course we are surrounded by them. But 
sometimes it all gets too much for me and I have a good cry. 

Mackintosh


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## loubelou72 (Mar 1, 2006)

hiya ladies
i think i am going to take a few days to think things over and discuss with dh then make a decision as to whether to see gp about counselling....
thank you so much for your replies i cannot tell you how much they have meant to me to know i am not alone and can pop on here and tell everyone how i feel and get the support i soo need.
You are all stars!!! many many thanks

will post to let you know my decision...

louise  x x x x


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi louise 
so glad to b ov help hope to speak to u soon 
take good care ov urself 
we are here if want to chat or even just rant  on it always feel good to write about it 
steph


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi mackintosh 
i understand wot u r saying about ur boys  Caitlin says it to me as we have babies all around us aswell
i say the same lets wait and c
good luck 
  &   coming ur way
steph


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## Mackintosh (Aug 18, 2004)

Hi Louise
Give yourself time if that is what you need and don't be hard on yourself.
My very best wishes to you.

Hi Steph
My oldest always wanted a sister, so when he got a brother he was like, It's Ok I can have
a sister next time. We didn't tell them about the recent pregnancy, which I am glad 
about. They would be so excited, I'm glad because when I m/c I'd have had to take that joy
away from them. They are what keep us going.
I wish we all just had a button we can press to make it right. Though on saying that I'd
have pushed so many times I'd be surrounded. what a lovely thought.

Mackintosh
Ps I don't know how to do bubbles - I will have to learn


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi mackintosh
i understand ive said that nxt time we get a BFP that i dont want to tell anyone untill we have seen the scan i want to keep it just me ,john and of course i will have to tell my boss as i will b asking for time off till ive had the scan 
steph


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## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

Hi darling. 

Just wanted you to know so many of us know exactly what you are going through. It is tough and perfectly normal to go through such extreme emotions. I hope you are able to see the glass half full soon. Hang in there. We are all here for you for support when you need it. 

xx amanda


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## suzy (Oct 12, 2003)

Hi Louise,

Just wanted to share my experience with you. I was lucky enough to be successful in my first ivf, but after the baby was born, I developed serious post natal depression. I went on an anti-depressant called prothiaden and it worked brilliantly. I have been told by my psychiatrist, gynaecologist and a doctor that specializes in drugs in pregnancy, that prothiaden has been used extensively in pregnant women and found to be safe. However, I stopped it (slowly and carefully) before trying again for another baby.

After 2 failed IVF's I was feeling very down again and had to restart prothiaden again. I was really peeved about having to go on them once more, but again, they had a dramatic effect and I feel so much better. I'm now resigned to taking them all the way through my second pregnancy, if I'm blessed with another baby, and frankly, I feel very lucky that they were available to me, and don't know what I'd have done without them.

I'm not saying that you should do the same, but just letting you know that there are medications you can take which are safe, and might make your experience a lot more bearable,

Love,

Suzy

"This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.UK or its owners are not responsible for the content of the information given"


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## Shells (Mar 6, 2006)

Hi Louise

I too am very new to this website and will more than likely start IVF in the next few months. Your story is so similar to mine. Have an amazing 3 year old, but am falling apart as I am sooooo desperate to have another child. TTC for 2 years now and have suffered over the years wilth clinical depression. My advice is a little different to other as I am a strong believer in getting the chemical balance back in your brain when you are going down hill. Your symptons sound like depression to me. Don't let it go untreated because if you end up with clinical depression the climb back up is so high.

I take amitryptiline which is a very old school drug and generally only prescribed to very old people or ladies ttc or whilst pregnancy. There are years of evidence that it does no damage to you or baby. I conceived our son whilst taking amitryptiline and had no problems at all. Everything has just started to get too much for me with ttc so I have started taking them again. The advice my specialist has given me is that your chances of conceiving are lowered during depression as the brain does not produce enough homones required to become pregnant (a defence mechanism). Rather than hampering my chances at IVF it should enhance my chances. I also would not recommend starting something as major as IVF with depression as you need to be strong.

I would also really recommend giving accupuncture a go. This can help enormously with preparing the body and mind for IVF and also support you through IVF.

I hope this helps. I so know how you are feeling. When you know how amazing it is having one child the urge to have another is unbelievable. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Let me know how you get on.

Love Shells  
"This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.UK or its owners are not responsible for the content of the information given"


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## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi shells 
ive just been reading the post u sent to louise how reasuring 
as i went down the depression rd and was given anti-d's but came off them after a couple of months as i was scared about not conceiving and i did feel that i was getting my self together but each time i go to the hosp i come home with more bad news and my relationship with DP who i love so much is starting to suffer i dont think we will ever conceive as our sex life has gone down hill ive got more chance of winning the lottery tonite that making lovewe r close in everyother way 
and i dont know how much more i can take ive saked him to got y=to the gp and sort out wot his prob is as he has all the IF test done and he is fine ive told him its not just about ttc but i want my relationship to go bak to how it was i just need cuddles but as it as been 17mths now since we lost our last baby i get the feeling he thinks i should ov snapped out of it by now but ive now im loosing it more the more i go to the hosp i come out crying each time 
should i wait till my nxt appoint at the hosp as the consultant knows wots goingon or should i go to the gp .Or am i worringg about nothing
steph


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## loubelou72 (Mar 1, 2006)

hi ladies
thursday at 3.00pm at work i had the worst news ever my boss called me and i was made redundant.... i was devastated.......  i was so upset shocked etc.. etc... as you can imagine... anyhow i feel worse than ever i feel like everyone man and his dog has got something against me!! the anti d's are looking more and more a good thing and i am tempted to take them as i am feeling so low and bad about myself.... just as i had begun to read your posts and realise i was not the only one who feels like i do i feel like i have been knocked down once again!!!! and i am finding it hard to get back up if i am honest... i know it is only a job and i can get another one no problem....already have things in the pipe line... but its the was it was done that is praying on my mind..... i feel like telling them all what a complete set of....bleeps.... they are!!!!
i havent been able to get on the ff board as much...cos of everything that is happening but i will check in as often as i can ladies.... sorry to be soo miserable but i am sure you can all understand how i feel at this present time...arghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
will post soon, ttfn and thank you all soo much again for your kind words and advice....louise xxxx


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## Jada&#039;s Mummy (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi Louise,

I am new to this site too. I am very familiar with the breakdowns, they are a regular occurance for me at the mo!! On Friday I was sent home from work as I was sobbing uncontrollably and everyone could see me, how embarrassing!! I am stimming at mo, I think it was the drugs that made me hyper-sensitive. I have been on a rocky journey too with my DP, sometimes I didn't think I'd make it with him either. 
I too get angry and visited my doctor yestrdy to see what she advised. She told me I couldn't take anti-depressants because of treatment (I didn't want to go that route anyway) and suggested counselling. Also, she said she'd support me if I needed any time off work. I am going back in tomorrow as I'm nearing the end of treatment and know I will need time off soon, but it's good to know you have that support from your gp.

You're not alone in your moments of madness!!

Sharon-L  xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Shells (Mar 6, 2006)

Hi there all

I posted a few weeks earlier re anti-depressants on this thread. 

Now after 2 years ttc, and after three months of taking anti-des again, I am pregnant. (Found out two days before my first IVF appointment).  

Convinced that as this is the second time it has happened this way it played it's part.

Please don't beat yourselves up about taking them and feel free to ask me any questions.

Good luck to all

Shells    xxx


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## MrsRedcap (Jan 6, 2006)

Congratulations Shells!!!

Take care of yourself

Vicki x


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

Congrats hun and have a happy and healthy 9 months

Kate xx


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## melanie_1983 (Apr 14, 2006)

Hi Louise. 
Just to let you know that you are not on your own. I am going through a very similar situation at the moment. I broke down 6 weeks ago and started having really bad anxiety attacks and depression. My DP was also very took back with all this and has started to feel low himself due to me crying all the time. My GP has put me on anti D's aswell but i am taking them in hope that i will soon be feeling better as they also say stress and depression can stop you concieving, so i am hoping my tablets will make me feel better. I am also waiting to see a counsellor so when i finally get through i will try and come off my tablets as i find that once i talk about my problems, i will feel alot better. 
I hope this has helped and take care. I would take the anti d's until you are feeling alittle better
mel


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