# One last go at IVF or move on to adoption - advice needed



## we*want*a*furball (Nov 7, 2009)

Hi ladies


I was wondering if somebody could give me some advice please? I have been ttc for 10 years now during which time i've had 8 miscarriages (no's 3 - 7 were because of undiagnosed Ashermans), one cycle of IVF and two cycles of FET. The last cycle of FET resulted in my 8th pregnancy which ended in miscarriage last September - it was a pretty horrendous miscarriage, i haemorrhaged badly and forms had been signed for a blood transfusion which thankfully i didn't end up needing. After this last miscarriage i said that i wouldn't put my husband or myself through that again and that being a mum was more important than being pregnant (I still think this).


We decided that the best way forward for us was adoption and we have a one day course next week after which we will need to fill out the forms and start the process properly. However, we have one last NHS IVF cycle left and recently there has been a part of me thinking that i would be silly not to take this opportunity but then i freak out and remember what happened last time.


I desperately want to be a mum and whether this child was our own or adopted i would love it more than anything in the world and i know now that if it was an adopted child we would only ever think of it as our own. 


What i think i really want to know is, is there always going to be a part of me that looks at a pregnant woman and wonders why i never had that? Will that feeling of sadness when i see a new mum and her baby and wishing it was me ever go away?


Sorry if i've rambled, i just need the view of people who have been there and i haven't got anyone else in the "real world" in the same position as me.


Many thanks for any advice.


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Oh hun, you sound just like I felt.
Firstly I like to say I am so sorry you have been through so much, and having 8 miscarrages must of been horrific.

As far as what to do next, only you and your dh can decide that I'm afraid, all I can try and do is tell you how it was for me.
When I read your post I had to reply as I was in much the same place as you a couple of months ago.
I have tried IVF 7 times and achieved a pregnancy the 1st time but miscarried at 10 weeks.
Our 6th IVF achieved a pregnancy with twins and as you know once you have had 1 miscarriage you are waiting for something to go wrong all the time and at 7 weeks it did and lost both babies.
We decided to give it one last go and if it didn't work or if I miscarried again then we would adopt.
As it happened none of the eggs I had at egg collection (6) fertilised and I was so shocked as this had never had happened before and I thought I would at least have an embryo put back and do the two week wait.
We were absolutely gutted and found it very difficult, but I think it was harder because we knew it was the last go and we wont be looking forward to any thing again. By that I mean when you get over the shock of IVF not working or when you pull your self together after a misscarrage, you move on because you have something to focus on when you try again.

But the answer to one of your questions, " will I ever get over seeing pregnant women and babies".
When we decided to adopt I found that seeing pregnant women got easier and after applying to adopt and getting the go ahead, I found seeing babies in prams and pushchairs easier, and do you know why, it's because I now know I AM going to be a mummy not when or if will I be a mummy, once you made that decision you will be surprised how much weight gets lifted from your shoulders and you look forward to the adoption process and to the day your baby comes home to you.

You say you have 1 NHS IVF left, if I was in your shoes I would properly would take it, but you have had 8 losses, can you cope with another one.
Have you had any tests to find out why this keeps on happening?
With me it was extreme endo and NK cells and I couldn't cope going through IVF getting pregnant and then my body killing my babies, that was the way I saw it.
Many ladies have recurrant miscarrages with no reason and do have a successful pregnancy eventually.

I really feel for you as only you and your dh can make this dissicion.
If you go ahead with the IVF I truly wish you all the best and pray you have a beautiful healthy baby at the end of it.
Best of luck and big   as I know how hard it is to come to this decision.
Skyblu.xx


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## Tibevora (Mar 22, 2005)

We want a furball

Oh my goodness, what a time you have had. What strength you must have to keep picking yourself up, sendning you a cyber hug  

I haven't yet reached the end of adoption but I do feel calmer about things now I am in the process. I think I will feel forever robbed of the opportunity but it's now more of a refelection or thought than a raw emotion. Part of the preparation has be to actively particpate with children for gathering evidence  (my SW even observed me babysitting) and it does feel nice to have persmission to bond and coo over children whereas before, I was always on the outside trying to control my emotions. 

Ultimately only you and your husband can decide but one thing that helped me is that there is no right or wrong decision, whatever path you take will have it's ups and downs, positives and negatives and that neither one or the other is absolutely correct just different. That really helped me when I was stressing about.... is adoption the right decision for us...there is no right decision because that would suggest the other is a wrong decision and you can only make a decision based on the information you have at the time. 

Not sure if that makes sense or not. 

Take care
Tib
xx


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## Guest (Mar 10, 2011)

I remember posting a very similar thread a few years ago - deciding when to stop treatment is a tricky decision and only one that you and your DH can make.  

For us it was whether to do any IVF or to move straight to adoption - in the end we did one cycle.  We were already respite foster carers for our kids and at the time it had jsut been decided that they should be adopted.  I never believed the IVF would work but felt I needed to close that door so I had no regrets later on.  If anything I now regret that we even gave it the one go (all our family and friends thought we should) as it just delayed our adoption and left our kids in foster care for longer.  

I hope you can make the right decisoin for you, whatever that is.  

Bop


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi

It's the hardest decision you can ever make. I was in a similar position a few years ago, lost my son when 8 months pregnant which was devastating and then quite a few miscarriages. There reached a point where I knew I just couldn't deal with any more loss and needed to do something more positive. Like others have said I do feel a bit cheated, and for ages just resented other that got there, it is just normal I think. When we decided to look at adoption we had to wait about a year to start and all through that year kept questioning whether I was making the right choice and there are times where it overwhelms you a bit that you won't have your own kids, would still love to and I think always will.

BUT ever since we started adoption look at people differently, the good thing is it's not 'if' like IVF, it's 'when'! And I am really excited now we have been approved! I guess I have moved past the newborn baby stage now to looking at young toddlers and thinking that will hopefully be us soon. It's like a grey cloud has finally been lifted. I am so enjoying not to have to worry about injections, blood tests and the dreaded pregnancy tests and what happens after, really glad we have moved on from that and be able to look forward now.

Hope this helps, unfortunately like the others have said it is a tough decision and only one you can make.

xx


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## we*want*a*furball (Nov 7, 2009)

Thank you ladies, your replies have helped me/us a lot.

We are definitely going to go on the adoption course next week - we have a two week holiday straight after so have that time and space to get some perspective (and enjoy a cocktail or 6!). 

One thing we do know is that whether we have our own child or not we will still adopt either way.

Lots of    to all of you and the best of luck for wherever you are on your journey.

xx


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## Poochie1111 (Apr 26, 2009)

Hi.  I didn't want to read and run.  I'm so very sorry you've been through so many misscarrages.  Eight is an awful amount to try and come to terms with.  Like you, my second miscarriage ended with massive hemorrhaging, full labour and I needed three pints of blood. I was so devastated, it was twins, and I had got to 14 weeks.

It's a huge decision to come to.  I can't tell how hard it was for me.  DH was there long before me but I agonised about it for months. It was either go with my heart (another round of ICSI) or go with my head (stop and move to adoption).  You have to give yourself time to grieve. What you've been through over the years will take it's toll. I think it changes you as a person.  The whole process takes longer than you'd think and I realise now that I'll never really will get over the loss, just learn to accept and move on. As anyone here has already said, only you can come to this decision and don't rush it.

For me, now I've come to the decision I feel much more positive and believe that I will be a mum soon. Sure, it still hurts seeing pregnant ladies but it's not as hard as it was.

Good luck with which ever direction you decide to take. Take your time. It will be the right one for you.    

x


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Hi 

I am reading with great interest, as the same things lay on my mind. I have 1 nhs IVF left, and i feel bad to let it got to waste when parhaps i transfer it to someone else who would need it, I am thinking adoption and to honest thought it the last year, but because we still had Frozen embies. i did a cycle. I struggled with it this time. and all the way thro all i could think off instead of BFP was adotption. When i got BFN, i was relieved in a way that i meant no more clinic appt, no more injections and being prodded and poked and scanned and bearing my down belows to every doctor and nurse in the area. but a deep sadness still there because it meant iw ouldnt be a mummy. all i want is to love a child, and it love me.... 
Someone once said 2 me, you will know when u get to the end of the road, and here i am i feel like i am emotionally at the end of IVF.... but i worry about wasting a NHS cycle that someone else could have, and that i am selfish, i worry that someone at the agency will think im not ready, as i hear u have to be out of IVF loop for 12mths.... I worry that like you, i will still feel that pain and burning anger inside everytime i see a baby in apram with a pregnant mummy....
Huney u are not alone.


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## libby29 (Dec 27, 2008)

I think for me i knew i didn't want anymore ivf's so it was that little bit easier to move on to adoption. Now we are nearing panel and i know that if i wasn't 100% sure about ending treatment it would have come across in home study and been a bit of a sticking point with our sw. If you aren't 100% then maybe the time isn't right and you should give it that last shot (just my opinion) at ivf or you may always wonder what if. As for waiting a year after treatment, every la/ agency are different. We phoned ours a few weeks after our final bfn and had an intial visit 4 days later. The sw said they look at everyone on their own merits and as an individual case. We were booked in for prep 7 months later and this was long enough in their eyes. For us we thought this was ages but glad we didn't have to wait the year we were fearing. This 7 months we used to mend our hearts and have councelling. We found it was a good thing for us and probably would have struggled if it had happened earlier. It actually flew by and now we are almost at the end of hs. I guess i'm saying you need to have treatment totally out of your system and recover from that journey before you start the next. It will always hurt not being able to have our own and this is understood by sw we are not machines with no souls, we are only human and only want something others get so easily. Goodluck ladies, we'll get there one way or another xxxxx


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## ♥Saila♥ (Mar 27, 2006)

Sorry to jump in. I just had a question will having one last go at IVF mean that you have to wait for 12 months to be able to adopt?

I have a prep course in April and have ummed and ahhhed about another go at IVF but heard if I did I would have to wait until a year after that IVF before I could proceed with adoption 

xxxx


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## Guest (Mar 13, 2011)

♥Saila♥ said:


> Sorry to jump in. I just had a question will having one last go at IVF mean that you have to wait for 12 months to be able to adopt?
> 
> I have a prep course in April and have ummed and ahhhed about another go at IVF but heard if I did I would have to wait until a year after that IVF before I could proceed with adoption
> 
> xxxx


It depends on the agency but most make you wait 6-12 months from last treatment before you can proceed with adoption. A few have longer waits and a few have no waits.

Bop


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## libby29 (Dec 27, 2008)

Ours had no wait but said they would look closely into our infertility during home study.


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