# Things to tell yourself when you ache for another



## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

I am struggling to accept that although we have snow babies , i don't think ( unless by some kind of miracle ) we can afford to wake them up   This has been very difficult to try and comprehend , especially as my sis is pg with #2 right now  

So ............. I have been trying to think of all the reasons having an only child is just fine , please feel free to add to the list - and tell me i'm not alone aching and struggling to deal with it . I really don't want to sound gready , i wish i didn't feel like this , i AM satisfied so much with our precious son , so why the hell do i have these emotions ?

1 ) Our son is perfect 
2 ) We are so incredibly lucky to have 1 child 
3 ) More treatment would put us under an enormous financial strain ( can't afford it basically and are struggling to pay off our debt for treatment anyway )
4 ) How would treatment affect my emotions and in turn affect our son ?
5 ) How would i deal with a BFN ? Would that be fair to our son ?
6 ) Would our son miss out if i were pg again ? Would i be too scarred to lift him or play with him ?
7 ) Would it be gready to want more ? Would we be punished for not being satisfied ? What if we had another child and they had special needs ?  Would that be fair to our son ? 
8 ) Having an only child means we can provide for him better than we could for 2
9 ) If we had another child they would have a very very small bedroom 
10 ) I have no idea where the contents of our study would go if it were to become a nursery 
11 ) I ride a motorbike and i can only fit one child on the back


----------



## kerrys (Feb 28, 2005)

12) No going back to morning sickness. (wasn't able to stand the smell of cooked food in house, DS would suffer)
13) No night feeds at 1am, 3am, 5am, and up with DS at 7am.

(can you guess I'm in the same boat!!!!!!!!)


----------



## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

kerrys said:


> (can you guess I'm in the same boat!!!!!!!!)


Yes Kerys , i have read your post ( and sent hugs  ) 
Thanks for adding to the list - i was feeling a right sad loner for a while there


----------



## karen (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Free - just wanted to say hello again (I do still pop on from time to time on our original board!  ) and I agree with everything you've put down which really helps at the moment (just tested BFN on 8th and final cycle).

14) Only children are often more mature and because you have the time to devote to them they progress well (this is what I tell myself and of the few I've seen its true)
15) I can afford to go on nicer hols with 3 or us than 4
16) I can start to live life again without planning it around ivf treatments (and afford to live - in a few years time)
17) My dd is older (6) now and when she goes for sleepovers we go out. She's starting to sleep in so we sleep and I have lots more time for myself than if I had 2.

I'm scraping the barrel as I still desperately want another but there are lots of postives!

x


----------



## shelly_anne (Aug 5, 2005)

Just want to send you all hugs (((()))) as I am going through something similar, as in no more money for further tx


----------



## Laurs (Jul 26, 2009)

Hi everyone, 
I have a beautiful little girl from our 1st ICSI and just had another go at ICSI and had a miscarriage so utterly devastated. The two goes cost us £10,000 but I desperately want another. My daughter is so beautiful and precious but I still feel that I have so much more to give!
I loved the list above, I have done the list so many times in my head trying to convince myself but that feeling never goes away does it?  . . . we are going to go ahead next year, can't afford it either will have to borrow again which we don't want to do but what choice do we have? What worries me is if the next go isn't successful will I say enough is enough and move on . . I don't think I will somehow and see us getting into thousands of pounds worth of debt and this isn't fair on my daughter or on us. So will see how the treatment goes next time and may have to do the list again and weigh everything up. How come I see so many mothers with lots of babies, some very young, some with many different fathers (i'm not judging don't get me wrong) but I can't help but look at every pregnant woman and women with young babies and wish it was me. I know i'm so lucky to have my daughter but I want another so this thread has helped me to realise there are others going through this not just me. 
Anyway I will stop ranting on! 
Love to all, Laurs x


----------



## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi All,

I know exactly how you feel, I never wanted my DS to think he wasn't enough for us.

My friend said to me recently the saddest thing she has ever heard was 3 years ago when I said to her.....I wish I didn't want a 2nd child, but I can't help it, I can't make the feelings go away.

I wish all of you all the best.

Fiona


----------



## Laurs (Jul 26, 2009)

Fiona,
Wow adoption, so pleased that you're family will be complete.

Well I received a letter today from my local midwives, congratulating me on my pregnancy! Do they not check the systems, got to me a little but expected it to come through, totally gutted! 

Desperate for another . . . .


Laurs x


----------



## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Keep trying to tell myself that another would be soooo much more hard work and it would take my time away from the precious son we have ............ but it's very hard


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Dear all,

I have been trying to get myself to get used to being a family of three.. Goodness it is so hard.. When I was going through last treatment I thought I can not go through this again.. It was so hard this time around.. But want it so much.. We are going to try again in 2010. But if that does not work.. I don't know if I can try it again.. I don't think it is fair for my DD.. She is going to be 2 in few days.. She needs to feel settle down and feel happy.. She feels everything I feel when I am txing.. And I feel utter crap.. Specially afterwards with m/c...

Wishing all the luck to find the peace within.. 

Lots of love.

Kukixx


----------



## PollyD (Oct 18, 2009)

Hi girls. just reading your posts- its a comfort to know im not the only one who feels this way.

Reason number (1 : back to slimming world and getting control of body again.


----------



## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Just needing to come back and read the whole list - we have been invited to stay over with some friends at the weekend , we haven't seen them for a while and now they have a 3 month old baby , and I know they are wanting more , just seems so  easy for some ........... I sound such a jealous cow , but I'm wondering how I'm gonna cope . Total detachment seems my only coping mechanism , but when your staying in someone else's house and lots of focus will be on the baby I know its gonna test me 



freespirit. said:


> Keep trying to tell myself that another would be soooo much more hard work and it would take my time away from the precious son we have ............ but it's very hard


----------



## PollyD (Oct 18, 2009)

Hi Freespirit. Thats gonna be tough. I had failed IUI last week and I am still at the randomly bursting into tears stage. We have a family party this weekend, and I just couldn go.


----------



## chandelle (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Freespirit, we had our sons around the same time and I remember you from that summer 08 board.
Funnily enough I had some friends round this past weekend who have a 3 month old (their second son - their first is nearly 2 - conceived both with exquisite ease) and I was surprised I didn't feel broody at all. It seemed a major hassle to look after a tiny one, even though he was such a tranquil baby, and it brought back memories of how hard those early months are. I would love to have a second child too, but I am mostly resigned it ain't happening. And maybe it's for the best - I don't think my stomach would snap back a second time, for one thing.  
Hope it went ok for you.
xC


----------



## snoopydoop (Jan 29, 2010)

Please can I post on here?  Just got a BFN from what will be my last treatment so unless there is a natural miracle I wont be getting pregnant again.  I just feel so sad today.  I am incredibly lucky to have a beautiful daughter but so wanted another.  Reading the posts on here made me realise that I am not the only one in this situation - I love the list of why only one is good, we have also thought of all of these reasons!  But I so so want another...  Now my little girl has just gone for a sleep and I just can't stop looking at her and crying... 
Rebecca


----------



## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Rebecca big  to you 

x


----------



## snoopydoop (Jan 29, 2010)

Thank you so so much.  I know I am lucky to have my miracle perfect girl but I ache for another...  I was so positive about this cycle because I was using frozen embryos from the same cycle as my little girl so I felt they were good ones.  I've had previous failed IVF's but had forgotten how horrible it is when your dreams are shattered.  My little one has just gone for a sleep and all I can do right now is cry   I'm going to sort myself out for when she wakes up and go and do something nice with her!  It really helps reading this thread and knowing I'm not alone, everywhere I look right now there seems to be families with more than 1 child!

Rebecca

Pregnancy on clomid -M/C
IVF - BFN
IVF - BFN
IVF - amazing daughter
IVF FET - BFN


----------



## violetta (Jan 27, 2010)

Have you considered seeing Mr who is a specialist in dealing with women who have either had a child and then cannot conceive again or who has had lots of miscarriages. Did you see the news this week about a lady who has had a baby after 18 miscarriages:
http://topnews.co.uk/22642-british-woman-gives-birth-healthy-baby-girl-after-18-miscarriages. hope this helps
Violetta

/links


----------



## snoopydoop (Jan 29, 2010)

Thank you, that's really interesting.  
I'm struggling at the moment, can't quite believe my FET was negative and I no longer have the hope of my snow babies.
Rx


----------



## ♡ C ♡ (Dec 7, 2005)

For me who is lucky to have 2 children I'm telling myself that as H gets older I'm going to have a bit of time to myself... H will start a play group 2 hrs a week where I leave her when she turns 2 so I will have 2 hrs to go swimming or something.  Its slowly may be working


----------



## Mackie (May 18, 2005)

Hi Ladies

I am so pleased I found this thread and know I am not alone. We have done 2 FETs in the last few months and have m/c with both, I am currently in bed recovering from the most recent which was twins and I lost them 5 weeks apart (with a suspected ectopic with the 2nd twin). I feel so guilty that my little boy has not had my full attention for weeks now because of hospital appointments and I have stayed in hospital twice in the last 3 weeks, so he has missed out on our usual activities. Everytime I look at him I know how lucky I am to have a beautiful healthy happy little boy and what a miracle he is ~ but it does not stop me longing for another child. We have agreed to do one more cycle later this year and then that is the end, I just know that if it fails I won't be that easy for me to draw the line under trying.

Keep smiling girls

H xx


----------



## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Just coming back to read 'that' list again .
Had a dream that i got pg natrually , so vivid , could feel baby kicking , it was so wonderfull - then woke up and had to tell myself not to be so bloody stupid , as thats never gonna happen for me , not possible ever , end of   
This is so hard knowing we have such perfect perfect snowbabies that i am going to have to say goodbye to   



................... Sorry just had to come and post that somewhere .


----------



## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

free    

i cant begin to imagine how your feeling atm

here for you always honey
Em


----------



## Emma70 (Feb 17, 2006)

Hi all
Sooo glad I found this post! It made me laugh and cry.  Found out the results of the AMH test today - and I guess the decision about whether to have more has been made for us 
BUT...we have 2 gorgeous girls, and even though I so want them to be big sisters, I know we're lucky to have them.
Hugs to you all.


----------



## lloydy887 (Dec 4, 2007)

Thank you for the list - as others have said, so lovely to see your own thoughts put in writing by someone else - we aren't alone.  Trying to work out if i have the courage to try again, but think that too much time has passed and the thought of having to cope with a BFN again.....just don't think I can do it.  But then the thought of accepting that one is all I will ever have, as much as I realise how lucky I am, sends me into a panic.  I almost need someone to make the decsion for me - on a good day I can read the list and feel happy and lucky to have one healthy beautiful daughter, on a not so good day it has me in tears of longing and grief for the child that I always thought I would have.  Thank you for your list x x


----------



## teresal (May 2, 2009)

Hi ladies, just wanted to say thank goodness this thread is here, i feel really bad as my precious daughter is only 4 months old and i would love another and my dh and i have already said most of the things from the list, why why why can't the ones that so long for children have them as easily as the ones that don't even want or deserve them 

anyway back to gazing at my wee muchkin and wondering if she'll hate us for not giving her a sibling

teresa xx


----------



## Torby (Jul 20, 2010)

Hi everyone

I've just had a miscarriage following an FET.  I miscarried at 5 and a bit weeks and I have to say I was a nervous wreck the whole time.  I just don't think I could face another round of icsi.  Keep telling myself we can stop putting our life on hold.  The thought of never having another child is so scary though.
Sx


----------



## Shaz Dreams (Sep 19, 2008)

Yes thank you to all of you.  
I've been having that longing feeling of having a second child for about 6mnths now.
this morning I Have booked to see local Dr to find out our first steps & if this is within our reach or if I'm just on another planet    rather than reality. I (we) went through so  much to have our mirical daughter. x


----------



## pinkcat (Dec 3, 2008)

I keep returning to read this thread. There are so so so many obstacles in our way that I don't see us managing to have any more. We are so lucky to have our son that I feel like I'm being greedy even contemplating another   .

We have 3 frosties and I can't bear to let them perish so we are paying a fortune to store them. I know that I wouldn't go through another full IVF but having the frosties makes it harder as it feels like my babies are waiting for me. Even though I know there would be no guarantee that a FET would work.

I agree with all the points on the first post (apart from the motorbike as I don't have one of those   ) and with the other points that have been added. They all make logical sense and I want to move on...but why can't I stop thinking about it?


----------



## twinkle 77 (Aug 1, 2011)

Hellooo 
Thank you Pinkcat for the links, Think I belong to this thread.   Feeling very much like all of you at the moment, DH and I had ivf/icsi 5 years ago which resulted in BFP, we have a Beautiful daughter
We have 13 frosties in storage which like pinkcat says is costing a fortune to store them.  We both are in agreement to Donate the frosties, we signed all the paper work last week, but now I cant stop thinking about another child, I really thought our family was complete when dd came along, dh has 2 sons from a previous marriage,(they are in their 20's) 
DH says no more, He will be 50 in feb, I totally understand why as he says he wants to be around to watch them grow up, I however am 34 . I still want to donate some of the frosties as i know there must be someone aching to have a family, so i am going to call the clinic this week and see if we can keep 4 frosties and donate the remaining 9, 
But then i will be back to square 1, paying a fortune for frosties which we will probably end up not using  sorry for blabbling on, but have no one to realy talk to, my mum is in agreement with dh, thinks hes too old for any more "Fiddle sticks" Des Oconner had children in his 60's lol xx


----------



## Pati (Aug 17, 2009)

Hi, thanks for this list. Having read the 3 Pages I don't feel so alone now. We have 1 x DD age 7 and have been trying for another to complete our family for 6 years. We have just had our 4 icsi and have got our first BFN. We have spent so much time and money and heartache on this. I'm not sure how much more I/we can take! However the thought of never having another hurts so much. I come from a very large family and everyone pops babies out left right and centre, it's so unfair! I feel so depressed and can't stop crying. I know I'm so lucky to have my DD but I feel like I have a bit missing that my family is not complete. I know our journey of trying is coming to an end and I'm trying to get my head round it, but it's just so hard. Sorry for off loading. I'm not even sure if this is the right place to write all this down? I guess I just need to get things of my chest a bit.


----------



## Jamie north west (May 14, 2012)

Hello freespirit...some things still make me smile...one of your reasons for beong content with one (as a biker) is that you can  only fit one cchild on the pillion! I am a fellow biker and currently pricing up a sidecar for my triumph bonneville...then I can take the whole family out on the bike!  

Just cant figure out where the labrador would sit!


----------

