# Am I Being A Control Freak?



## Poppet27 (Mar 22, 2013)

Evening peeps!

I am really struggling since my last consultation 2 weeks ago. As you can see from my signature my history has suggested I have been the problem. However at the last appointment we were told that my partners Morphology is 2% and thy are now suggesting that is our problem. 

My partner has been told that until his results have improved they are no longer going to give me my Clomid. He has been told to cut down on alcohol, stop smoking, improve the diet and majorly hit the supplements! 
In the two weeks since our appointment he has majorly failed to stop smoking, and has admitted he doesn't actually want to give up. I get that he is only doing it because he is begin told to which is soooo hard. But he is still drinking, only now has the supplements because I got them, doesn't eat well unless I cook it!


I'm going crazy, and I hate being a nag, that is not the type of relationship we have, but this is holding up our treatment and could be the reason we are not getting pregnant!!!!!

He has never pressured me about anything and is so supportive with everything I do and struggle with. 

Someone please tell me how to be a supportive girlfriend:-(


----------



## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hello Poppet

I didn't want to read and run, but I'm not sure I can offer any words of wisdom. For very different reasons I've also struggled with my DH, so I wish I did have some advice I could give you that would help ease your situation, sadly I don't think I do 

I have no doubt that you _are_ being a supportive girlfriend, it's just that on the whole men seem to view the IF world very differently to women. It's much more 'up close and personal' for women, for men I think they're a lot more removed from it all. Maybe (and this is just a wild guess) he's feeling very low about things as he's been told that it's probably his low morphology causing the difficulties, so maybe the news has hit him hard? Have either of you (or both of you) considered counselling, does your clinic offer that? Even if he doesn't feel up to going maybe you could? The counsellor might help put a male perspective on things?

I hope you're able to work things out and find a way forward. Wishing you lots of luck


----------



## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Poppet, you're not being a control freak. It's really hard to not come across as a nag if he is not doing his part and you are understandably impatient to get to your goal of being a family. It must be frustrating after all the energy you have put it. 
Hopefully he is just getting over the shock and will come round. One of my male friends is going through IVF and says that it is like the biggest kick in the balls to find out you have problems!!   Men and their sperm!   
I guess like you say this is a big change for him as before it was all down to you and he just had to have sex! Now, it is him as well, it is probably taking him a while to believe that he need to make changes or for him to want to make the life changes he's been asked to. I do think that some men sometimes think we are putting too much pressure on them when we are just trying to talk/ get on with things! 
Maybe try and talk about what small steps he could take to start to improve, like cutting down the smoking and drinking in the week first, doing some cooking nights together and doing something healthy together like getting out on bikes... 
Maybe you could ask this question in the men's room and see if they have some advice. 
As you say he is so supportive of you I am sure that he will come round to realise that you need him to play his part. xxx


----------



## kazza236 (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree with yogabunny, start with small steps or just do one thing at a time. I know with IF you don't have all the time in the world but most men just don't understand how important making even small changes can be. Maybe start with the smoking as I think that has the biggest impact on sperm quality. Then, once he's stopped for a few weeks, ask him to gradually decrease the amount of alcohol he consumes? Give a few extra compliments, a little extra attention and reassurance  

We have recently had to give up smoking as well as try to lose weight and my OH is still moaning about how hard it is etc. Luckily I haven't had to nag him about smoking (just his diet etc!) but after him moaning for a particularly long time the other night I snapped. I wasn't nasty and I didn't shout I just explained to him that he was perhaps being a little selfish. Regardless of which partner has the problems ultimately it's the woman who has to go through the treatment - take the drugs, have repeat scans, blood tests, EC, ET etc etc (except if sperm retrieval is necessary) so is it really that much to ask? I also reminded him that I was having to do the same as him and that it would be a great support to me if he worked with me. He then said to me that he hadn't thought about it like that and that he felt hard done by as he didn't have much involvement so why should he have to do it too! 

Maybe he's in some sort of denial? If he's usually really supportive then perhaps his pride has been dented after learning that his swimmers aren't as good as they should be. 

I'm certain that he will come round eventually, just try not to be too hard on him if he doesn't do things straight away


----------



## moo84 (Oct 14, 2011)

Hi Poppet,

I don't think you are the first to wonder whether you are being a control freak! - I think it's a part of the territory with IF issues!!  

I wonder if your OH is struggling to make the lifestyle changes because to do so he would first have to admit to himself that there is a problem, and that would be a dent to his pride. It was undoubtedly easier for him to be supportive of you when he thought he was supporting you with YOUR problem... it's harder to have to accept that there is something wrong with him and that he needs to do more than just be there for you.
Don't despair though, I'm sure he'll get there x

In the meantime, I wouldn't worry about a 'mild' case of control freakness! I know that my DH would not bother to take his supplements, think about his diet etc if I didn't buy them, and cook for him!! Not because he doesn't want to, but that most of the time it wouldn't occur to him! I think that's just 'a man thing'. We think differently to them, and I think this world of IF highlights that more acutely than most areas of life.

Good luck, I hope your OH comes around soon and can be as pro-active and supportive as you need him to be xx


----------



## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Oh my goodness...whenever I nag DH he automatically digs his heels in and does the opposite.

On his 'not-to-do list' was 

- keep mobile phone out of trouser pockets (i told him that it would microwave his testicles which isn't really true but no man wants to frazzle the crown jewels if they can help it)
- cut down on alcohol (he interpreted this as drink behind my back and make sure I don't find out - I knew (tut)
- avoid processed or fast food (I homecook everything anyway which DH likes a lot so this one wasn't too bad)
- keep testicles cool/avoid overheating (caught DH dipping his wedding tackle in cold water once - presume he had worried about overheating on a hot&stuffy day - but this was hilarious and gave me much needed blackmail ammunition to get him to comply with the other terms&conditions)

Having said that, cutting down rather than stopping altogether is probably fine. Sperm quality varies for all kinds of reasons - stress being a very bad thing. It's the hardest thing in the world to 'relax' about these things - but try to keep a sense of humour about it instead (even a dry sense of humour will do). 

'You have to laugh or else you would cry'  - surprisingly, even though the process is emotionally draining, it can help to see the funny side of all the seemingly crazy things we put ourselves and our relationships through. It took me a long time to get to this point, but it was the only thing that got us through it all intact. xxx


----------



## tilly1980 (Jan 22, 2013)

*Poppet* - as others have said men are funny when it comes down to fertility issues. It took us to go through a failed fertilisation in order to get my DH to stop smoking! He was always saying he was going to quit and after 2 weeks he was always back on them.

Last August our first ICSI attempt resulted in no fertilisation - we were both gutted. I refused to allow myself to think it would ever happen for us and the following Monday my DH went cold turkey and stopped smoking, it's been 8 months now and I know he will never go back but it took him to see how devastated I was at the idea of never being a mother to get him to make that step. Thankfully our second ICSI attempt (3 months after he quit smoking) gave us much better results. I also had DH on vit C and zinc as that was what our consultant recommended and he cut down the drinking in the month before treatment and didn't have any at all the week he was due to give his sample. The embryologist was impressed at the change in his quality.

Small changes can make a big difference but the main one as far as we were concerned was definately the quitting smoking!

Good luck to you both xx


----------



## Poppet27 (Mar 22, 2013)

Wow, thank you for so many replies. I felt bad for writing it, especially as a day later he was really apologetics and said he would try whatever he needed!  Admittedly I still have to put the supplements in his packed lunch that I make for him, and I'm making all of the nutritious dinners. 

Thanks for all of the support!


----------



## the_tempress89 (Oct 19, 2011)

keep nagging!!! lol i know it isnt easy and im sure its not easy for your dp either, it cant be easy being told what to d all the time! but we have to go through hell and change things about our life so why shouldnt they! my dp and i smoke too and we have been trying to stop but failing miserably.

i found for a while that dp didnt really understand what was happening, or what was going to, so i showed him this website and showed him a few posts ( none that were too personal so i didnt upset any other ladies but enough to show him what i was going through) and he seems to be a little more flexible now. maybe try sitting him down and explaining to him that hhis little swimmers may be good now but hs diet and health are affecting them and if he carries on they may not be so good in a few months. but try and find out whats causing him to be so stubborn = men have a bad habit of bottling things up, he may be scared or nervous and feels things are changing too quickly. or he may just be stubborn lol

im sure he will come round when he sees just how much it means to you  xxxx


----------

