# miscarriage at 20 weeks



## willsmum (Dec 14, 2009)

Hi All,
       I am a complete newbie to the site (as well as being computor illiterate!) I just wanted to talk to someone who knows what im going through. Just over a week ago dh and i lost our little boy. I was 20 weeks pregnant and went into premature labour after my placenta came away. I am so gutted that he was taken away, espesially as he was so perfect. Weve been ttc for 7 years and have no other children. I just feel like im never going to get over losing him.

willsmum xx


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Willsmum and welcome to Fertility Friends 

Oh honey i am desperately sorry to read of your loss    It's only been a week so you have done really well in taking the first step to join us here.  There are, sadly, other members who have experienced the same as yourself. They will be able to offer you advice and lots of support. Can i ask if you have had a service for your little boy yet? There is an area within Fertility Friends in which you can create some beautiful posts to remember your loved one by, write poems and post a little picture of him too. 
Please have a good look around the boards, feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home.

Fertility Friends Is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too, lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping etc You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other.

Here is the part of FF dedicated to the memories of angel babies and children. Many ladies here find it comforting to have a place to talk to / about their lost loved ones.

*Forget me not ~ *CLICK HERE

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

Have a good look at these 2 links, take your time reading and i'll pop back soon to check how you're doing with finding your way around  Please pm me if you need any help with the site or any general queries.

Tamsin is our pregnancy loss Moderator, she is so lovely and supportive and has experienced losses herself, I could ask her to send you a personal message to ease you into FF if you would like 

You can also chat live in our chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*.

Sending you lots of    and again i am so sorry for your loss. 
Keep in touch
Ceri xx

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE


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## Kookymare (Aug 12, 2008)

Just sending    Willsmum

Sorry to read about your loss, it's so hard. It's a year on from our last miscarriage and life is easier but I Know I'll never forget. It's been a short while for you, you are bound to feel as you do. Just go with it, feel what you must and look after yourself.  I don't know if you will get over it but it becomes easier.

              lots of love

                      Kookymare x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I am sorry to hear of your loss, take care of yourself. xxxxxxxxxx


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## cleo31 (Sep 24, 2006)

I couldn't read and run. Just wanted to welcome you to this fantastic site and send you a huge   . I am so sorry you have had to got through such a traumatic time. It hasn't been too long that your little boy became an angel, of course you are still grieving and i am sure you will do for some time to come. Time is a great healer. Make sure you keep in touch, you will recieve lots of support on here as well as inspiring stories of women who have been through so much and have come out the otherside with a baby in their arms. xxxxx


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## armi (Sep 1, 2007)

Oh I am so very sorry for your recent loss. You will find great support here onFF . You can just be yourself and say how you really feel.  You must be so raw still. You must look after yourself and make sure you give yourself time to grieve for what you have lost and what could have been. People will support you now and continue to support you when are ready to try again. 
So sorry.
armi
xo


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## Anj (Apr 26, 2009)

Hello Willsmum,
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know what your going through, i lost my twin girls at 24 weeks, its so devastating. All i can say is that you need to talk about how you feel and talk to your husband, thats so very important not to block each other out, i did and it ended the relationship. Try to have grief counceling.
Time is a great healer, my girls died 12 years ago, but i still think of them everyday. just like you will of your son.

I hope you and your husband stay strong.

Anj xx


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Hiya hun, me again, just to also let you know that there is a pregnancy loss support thread here .... http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=167595.0 if and when you feel ready you could talk to the ladies there, they'll make you feel welcome


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## fairywings (Feb 19, 2009)

Willsmum,

I just wanted to send you some massive    

From experience, I know the hurt you feel. This is such a lovely place to find comfort and support luv 

Love fairywings xxx


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## peapod15 (Feb 27, 2008)

Hi Willsmum
So sorry for your loss   
I lost my perfect baby boy (William) at almost 18 wks in March so I understand how devastated you must be feeling.  You are right, you will never get over losing him, but believe me you will slowly start to feel a little better in time.
Have you got plenty of support?  I have found talking to a counsellor helps and I have attended a Sands support group, perhaps you could have a look at their website to see if there is one near you.

I have just had another early miscarriage after my tx in October which had to be medically managed in hospital.  It was unpleasant, but didn't compare to losing my son.  Despite my horrendous year, I am not ready to give up on my dream of having a baby and will try again next year.  Hopefully in time you will also find the strength to try again and have hope for the future.  Another pregnancy will be terrifying and will not replace your lost baby, but would bring some happiness back into your life.

Be gentle on yourself and be selfish at this awful time.
Take care
Peapod x


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Hello 

I know how you are feeling    I wish I didn't.

My baby was found to be dead at my 16+6 midwife appointment. It was total shock as I had no symptoms of anything being wrong.

I feel so low and traumatised by it all. Sometimes I feel that curling up to sleep and staying there would be preferrable to the feeling of exhaustion like swimming through treacle that I have trying to carry on.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that as I have been pregnant once I can try again and hopefully it will work out. But so scared.

People don't know what to say. After all we have been through with IVF and/or the heartbreak of infertility, to be dealt another blow with a miscarriage or still birth seems like the end of the world. No one else can really understand the depth of the feeling.

Be gentle on yourself. You need time to work through all the stages of grief. Not so you can forget or get over it, but so that you can accept it and move to a more comfortable place where you can move forward.
No one has the right to rush you. Try to find some joy or comfort in small things in life and don't feel guilty about being self supporting during this difficult time. 
We just went to a memorial service run by the hospital at Christmas for lost babies. There is also a lot of support here. The miscarriage association is helpful and I also found the miscarriage support of new zealand's website to be very helpful http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/

If you need to chat just come here or pm me.


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Dear Willsmum

I am so sorry for your loss  

I too sadly can understand your loss - I lost my baby son at nearly 19 weeks - when he was born and was so perfect, as I held him I felt my heart break. I would echo what everyone else says - you need to give yourself time to grieve and be kind to yourself and DH - and do all of this at your own pace - don't be rushed by anyone. I do agree with Anj that it is so important not to shut out DH - for me I feel that DH is the only other person who knows exactly how I feel and that makes us feel closer. We do try and talk as much as we can, and right now we are just "hibernating" and looking after ourselves even if others think we should be going out into the world and "getting over it". Peapod said "be selfish" and she is absolutely right - others may find it more comfortable if you seem to be coping really well, but if there are times you feel like crawling into a hole and staying there, then do so - do whatever you need to get by - this is such an awful time - words are not enough  

People do not know what to say - so they say the cliches like "time is a healer" and "you need to try and get back to normality..." but because it is so hard for us to describe the depth of the sadness I really don't think that anyone else has any idea of how devastated you will feel, unless you have been through it too, and even then everyone's experience is so unique (as were our beautiful babies). 

We had tx in March 09, and lost our son in June 09 - then went for another tx in October 09 - only to have a nightmare with that too - I feel that I am only now truly allowing myself to grieve for my son and lost pg this time - and I am self supporting because I just cannot talk to anyone who knows me in any coherent way - that's why FF is a such a great support to me at this time. But the advice about going to SANDS is great - as well as the Miscarriage Association - I will take my own advice and go to them too when I feel able.

Please take care of yourself and if you need to cyber talk, you know that we are here for you

Nbr68xxx


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## Shell30 (Jun 8, 2009)

I am so sorry to read about you loss. Please look after yourselves and I hope you find the support you will no doubt be needing on this site xxxx


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## Piriam (Aug 29, 2003)

So Sorry for you loss    

When you're ready do join us on the preg loss thread, the ladies there are very supportive & sadly do understand.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

willsmum

Still thinking of you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

Thinking of you xxx


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## willsmum (Dec 14, 2009)

Hi all,
        Thanks to everyone for their kind words.
We had Williams funeral Yesterday and while it was a sad day, everyone made it as comfortable as possible for Hubby and I.
I know its early days and i am still in the stage of "just wanting him back" but i know that at some point next year we will try again.
My last ivf was my fourth and at the time, my last! After 3 miscarriages i didn't think i could go through it again. Hubby Didn't want me to go through all the emotional and physical pain but we decided to give it a go. 
I had 2 embies put back. We nicknamed William "fatty" as after 3 days he had almost gone to blast! 
Everything about our little boy told us he was meant to be. He was over a week bigger in size at all his scans (i had a lot of scans due to my history) We even had one of those 4d scans about a week before i lost him. It was so clear the sonographer even said how long his arms and fingers were (a trait of men on my husbands side!)
The day after i lost him, the nurse brought him in for us to say goodbye. I am so glad i saw my boy, he was gorgeous. 
The thing that was overwhelming was the love i felt for him. A love completely different to what i feel for hubby. I know now that thanks to that little boy we will go on and do everything in our power to achieve our family.
Thanks for listening
Willsmum xxx


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Willsmum, I'm sat here   for you, I cannot imagine the pain you are both experiencing. You have written such a beutiful post about your darling little boy. He'll be with you forever, he really will. I hope and pray that you will be successful in your next attempt, and William will be watching over the little brother or sister, being the protective brother he wouldve been anyway.   
Keep posting hun, let us know how you are xx Thinking of you over the next tough few weeks and months x


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