# Hope is slowly fading & left feeling blue



## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Not really sure what responses I'm expecting if anything at all... Guess I am just wanting to write how I'm feeling and hope that it makes me feel better...

Just can't shake my feelings of utter sadness at the moment. Have zero people to speak to now as I feel so so embarrassed and just don't want to be "the infertile moaning one"

I am just about holding it together in front of my pregnant friends/family and able to ask interested questions and act all gooey and happy but not quite sure how much longer this will last as the moment I'm alone I start crying.

I feel like a phoney on here and don't have a clue where I belong anymore. I haven't been through half of what the ladies on here have been through & what right have I to be sad, I haven't had to suffer a loss as I haven't ever been pregnant. I feel like this sums up my life, don't belong with anybody in real life nor even in this virtual world. 

I am struggling with work at the moment as I almost feel like in the grand scheme of things, work is so insignificant, a problem at work just seems completely pathetic compared to the battles of infertility. I've lost my motivation and just can't be bothered which makes my job ten times harder.

DH doesn't know how to act around me anymore, one minute I can box my feelings up and the next I'm an emotional blubbering wreck who can't converse and explain my feelings. He feels guilty yet we both know this isn't anything to do with him... It's me... Yet exactly what we don't know... 

I feel so so lost, I am nothing like the person I used to be and I feel fragile... Tired and useless...

Anyway, if anybody has read, thank you... I know you are all here because we share this journey and I wish each and every one of you the luck you deserve xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

(((bambibaby))) you belong here. the IF journey drives us all crazy. 
I understand how isolating it is. 
I can't magic it better but there, definitely, will be a day you look back at today and smile and think 'wish I knew then what I know now', because things will get better.


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Hugs to you  

I joined here on Xmas day feeling just like you do now just after my second failed ivf cycle. Iv since had another failed cycle & an operation. Somehow all of us strong women find the strength & determination to keep going. Some days are a lot harder than other days & I always find a plan helps to focus your mind.

This site is a god send for helping you feel normal & not alone. It's also invaluable for research & advice. 

I hope by being able to write on here it helps you to feel a little less alone. If you want to message me I'm a good listener  

Lots of virtual hugs coming your way. 
Xx


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## mrs_ss30 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hello bambibaby!  Are you me!!  It really sounds like it from your post!  I completely understand everything you have just said, particularly about feeling alone and not being the person you used to be.  It completely sucks what this journey does to you.  

You absolutely are in the right place though.  The ladies (and menfolk) on here are really supportive, no matter what your situation.  We are all reaching for a common goal even if the routes are different.  I too have never been pregnant.  I'm not sure how long you've been trying or where you are at in your journey but I can safely say that not getting pregnant at all is the most emotionally draining thing I have ever been through.  The crushing disappointment every month you realise it hasn't happened and the fear that it never will - it's soul destroying.  Unfortunately for you and I we just have to keep getting up and dusting ourselves off each and every month and getting on with things in the midst of a baby boom (THE worst time to be struggling to conceive EVER!!)

I'm sorry that I can't offer any words of wisdom or make you feel better but I wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling these things and this is most definitely the place to be a 'moaning infertile' ...do your worst!!

xx


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## Carly82 (Jan 3, 2013)

Hi i didnt want to read and run but wanted to leave you some virtual     xx


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you soooo much ladies, those posts all made me cry.. Again..  I'm such a wreck at the moment.

Gold bunny - thank you  and I really hope one day we can all look back and smile at the journeys we have been on... Wishing u all the luck for you OTD  

Missymoo - honestly, I'm in awe when I see how much people go through on here and STILL manage to have a smile on their face... Admittedly it may well be outward and on the inside we are crying. I wish u so so much luck for your journey and just   we get our lucky breaks soon xx

Mrs_ss - awwhhh the baby boom...?? Really?. Clearly that one hasn't reached us yet  I keep hearing about that and at least now we know we aren't imagining the fact that everybody around us is pregnant and there are babies everywhere... I thought I was hallucinating 
Sending u lots of     and stay strong hunny xx

Carly - thank u hunny, it means so much knowing how kind everything is on here. Wish I didn't have to meet so many lovely ladies under these circumstances.... Wishing u lots of luck for ur journey xx


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## squirrel2010 (Nov 6, 2010)

Bambibaby - you are NOT alone sweetie' and everything you are feeling can definitely be considered normal. I have been there, we all pretty much have. Some people react and respond differently but dont underestimate what grief can do. I needed and still need counselling to get through the days, have you considered it? Dont feel alone, especially not on here - I have met some incredible people on here, and still am!
Huge hugs, squirrel xxxx


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## one_day_maybe (Mar 18, 2013)

Aw, hunny didn't want to read and run.  As others have said, we've all felt the same way you do one time or another.

Something in your original post, when you said that as you've never been pregnant you haven't suffered a loss...  Whilst you might not have suffered a pregnancy loss, you are suffering the loss of not being pregnant every month, please don't underestimate this.  It wasn't until I was years into this journey and close to starting my first IVF, that in a passing coversation with my clinics counsellor, she talked about allowing myself to grieve for not being able to conceive naturally.  I was going through a really bad patch at the time (another one!) Something clicked in me that day, it is grief and once I started to treat it like that and realise I needed to deal with it as such, things started to get a lot easier for me.

Sending you lots of   xx


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## Lucy708 (Dec 3, 2012)

Hi. I'm struggling to find some words for you that will help as l've felt the same as you. It really shakes your life as you know it and kicks the stuffing out of you. Each week does slowly feel easier but it's such a hard thing to go through. For me now, each kick back affects me more deeply than the last but l seem to recover from it better as time goes on and the more l come to terms with the situation.
Sending you lots of virtual hugs! I saw a councillor who really helped me to understand this and deal with the pain and embarrassment l felt. Is this something you've thought about?
X


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

bambi - i so feel your pain and can identify with you - you're on the right site for support - even if we all have individual stories, we have so much in common. I too have never been pregnant, and find it so hard. I've had 2 failed DE IVF cycles, and am now gearing up for my 3rd probably in Sept. I have supportive friends and family, but am single, so no DH/DP either, which makes me feel so alone at times. I am sick to death of putting on a brave face and congratulating pregnant colleagues etc. My job doesn't help - i work in health with new mums and babies - so surrounded all the time by it. Had a day on the beach - can't get away from them either. Also, the Royal Baby saga was a nightmare - obviously I'm pleased for them, but sick of the hype. I think we get treated as second best if we don't have kids. Anyway, rant over, hopefully we'll all be heading towards a happy outcome! 
Deb


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## MrsJ35 (Apr 14, 2013)

Bambi - Your post made me cry as I feel exactly the same. You are definitely not alone honey. I wish I could say what would make it better but I can't cos I really don't know! 
I'm so sorry that you are having a tough time and I know what it's like to have pregnant friends and managing to cope around them. I don't think anyone who has not been on our journey realises how tough it is struggling to conceive.
You're between treatments aren't you? What about a break away with DH to try to have some quality time together. It's such a difficult time for the both of you and he will be trying to support you the best he can but probably not really knowing what to do either. Sending you lots of   xxx


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## Sew it (Jul 30, 2013)

oh bambibay12, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad right now, big big hugs. I have felt exactly like you!

I totally agree with everything the other lovely ladies have said!  Infertility totally sucks and is the hardest thing that most of us will ever have to face. Just cause you have not had multiple failed cycles does not mean that you have not been through a lot.  Don't belittle your experiences, you have coped with a lot!

Swirly flowers hit the nail on the head, infertility is a loss, and we do need to allow ourselves to grieve for it.  I too spoke to a fertility counsellor who very firmly put me in my place when I said I felt guilty for moaning about not being able to have a baby.  She said that on top of the grief and shock of a negative cycle, we also have to deal with the very real fear that this may never happen for us.  She said that fear is one of the most powerful emotions and not to underestimate the effect it will have on you.  I firmly believe this, I can cope with disappointment and shock passes, but the fear is always still there.

You sound very down on yourself, please, please be kind to yourself.  this journey is hard enough without blaming ourselves (believe me I have been there!!).  You have done nothing to bring this on, it is not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you.  You are a lovely person who is having some horrible luck at the moment.  Your family and friends love you and care for you, believe this and let them help you cope with this experience.

big hugs and I hope you feel a wee bit better each day. xx


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank u so much ladies, I wish we didn't have to feel this terrible pain that infertility causes. It just seems so unfair and the ladies I have met on here really do deserve so much more.

Swirly flowers - your post really made me think... It made me realise that for such a long time I have let infertility make me feel like a failure and its something I've hidden away and don't talk about as I've seen it as a sign of weakness... Would having counselling magnify that weakness?? It is something i have considered but then I'm admitting to my own failings... Maybe it's time I opened my eyes and stopped putting my head in the sand. I'm glad it's worked for u and hopefully it will help me see the light at the end of this long long tunnel xx

Lucy- that's exactly how I feel... Embarrassed... It's harder cos its completely out of our control too. xx

Mrsj - thank u for your kind words and I'm sorry that you are feeling this way too. DH and I have been doing lots of things together recently to try and help us focus on something other than having a baby. We have even been DTD outside my fertile window which hasn't happened for years  that's probably been half the problem... Years of times sex 
How are you doing anyway? You were on my last cycle buddy thread I think   Xx

Sew it - I think you are completely right, it's the fear of it never happening that hit me last week and it makes me feel sick and how on earth do u communicate that to pregnant friends and ppl who have children, it's completely an unknown phenomenon... My friends all just say.. "It will happen" without an real understanding of what I've already gone thru or my feelings about me living a life without children.... Thanks for sharing ur story, it's made me realise that I'm not alone in my fears xx


Thanks ladies for taking the time to talk to me and sharing your views and experiences. I really hope we all get there sooner rather than later... Stay strong xxx


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## Clarke12 (Apr 1, 2012)

Hi bambi,

I have written to you on the priory thread earlier today and have just came across this post.  So sorry to hear you are still feeling down  
Maybe you could speak to priory about their councilling service I'm sure they offer 3 sessions for free when you have cycled there.  I know it feels like the mist will never lift but if you are anything like me the sad, dark days will come and go and you seem to find your own coping mechanism of how to get through, it's not an ideal solution but I think I'm doing ok like this and we have been ttc for over 10 years now.

We have been through it all it seems, at the mo I am dealing with babies and pregnant people everywhere! I'm also being pushed out of my hubby's family at the mo as my sister in law has just had a baby, we don't talk (a very long story and some nasty comments about me being infertile  ) so whenever she is around I am ignored while her and the baby are coo'ed over until it gets to the point that me and hubby leave. I guess I am trying to say that now I feel stronger than I have in a long time and this will come for you to, I know it's hard but there is lots of support on this site please use it and don't struggle alone, if you want to pm me please feel free I'm always happy to talk  

Take care Hun 
Clarke12 xxx


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## MARIA218 (May 9, 2013)

awww bambibaby...    

your not alone and you belong here. reading your post really feels like youve just typed up what i feel.
i know its hard especially if you have family/friends who are pregnant. my sister who just got
pregnant after 4 years of trying for baby #2 i am extremely happy for her but in the back of my head i am scared, i'm scared that it 
might just get harder for me to see her, as her bump is getting bigger (i am getting really excited 100%) but a part of me just thinks
i wish i was her (if you know what i mean) i wish her all the best for her from the bottom of my heart, i don't want to ruin it for her. but thats
where this place comes in, we are all going through the same journey and we're here to support each other in the hard times and hopefully 
one day ALL of us here will share the amazing news of a   
just try to be strong 
lots of hugs from me


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Maria that's so true... I sometimes worry that I now can't really be honest with my friends cos our conversations are generally happy in one sense when talking about them and their kids and pregnancies and then it's doom and gloom when discussing me   So I have started lying now and just glossing over it and don't really say what's happening with me. 

Fingers crossed we can all bore all our friends with our pregnancies soon


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