# Did you know straight away?



## DH (Apr 6, 2005)

I was wondering if you knew straight away that your child(ren) was right for you?  We have met with the SW but I don't feel how I thought I would.  

There are some more questions we need to ask but I thought I would feel really excited and happy.  Instead, even though we do like them and on paper they are good, I feel confused and unsure.  

We were interested in some other children previously who I was really excited about, but unfortunately we didn't get chosen to have a visit.  I am therefore wondering whether my internal reaction this time is a subconscious protective barrier or, whether it is a gut instinct that these are not the ones?  

I don't necessarily have concerns about the children but more about my lack of excitement.

I would be really grateful to hear about anyone else's experience.

Thanks very much in advance.


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

I can only give you my experience but hope it helps a bit:

The first cpr we were sent was very long and though we were excited to have received it the further into it we got the less excited we became.  DH and I both read the report and then made a list of concerns/feelings before talking to each other as we didn't want to cloud each others thoughts.  We both felt the same though and came up with the same list and our excitement turned to wanting the child to be right but not feeling right.  We met with our SW and she had the same list as we did, she didn't feel it was right but we then spent another agonising week deciding whether or not to go ahead with meeting the SW.  In the end we decided not to go any further, it was the hardest decision we've ever had to make but we were relieved when it was over.  That said a lot to us.

When we received the 2nd cpr we were both more cautious, we still didn't know how we would know if it was the one though a lot of people had said we would just know, it would be a gut feeling.  Within minutes of starting to read the report, I was home alone at the time so again we read it separately, I had such a good feeling and by the time I'd finished reading, a much shorter easier report, I was running upstairs planning the bedroom.  So, for me I did know the minute I read the cpr.  I don't know how it would have felt if I hadn't had the first experience though.  Keeping quiet until DH got home and read the report was HARD but again I didn't want my reaction to affect his so I stayed out of his way.  He actually started shouting to me about how good it all sounded and I was just 'read it then we will talk', but getting more excited!

Anyway, the 2nd cpr is now our son and he is perfect for us and looks like us as well.  

Whether our experience is the 'norm' I don't know, we had questions we wanted answering but we knew the answers wouldn't change our minds and I guess that is important.  Its understandable to protect your feelings in case you aren't picked or whatever but that is different to a gut instinct.  We played down our excitement with our Son in front of our SW as we were worried she would say it wasn't right etc but when we knew she thought it was good we let our feelings out.  When we met his SW we showed how interested we were from the start.

Good luck
OT x


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

We saw quite a few profiles and CPRs before the one that was 'right' for us.

Did I know straight away....no.  

Did I want to find out more...yes.

I guess after getting my hopes up before I was more 'head' than 'heart' by the time it arrived.  She had some health problems noted so i wasn't too sure what it all menat.  Also it was for a girl and we both had hoped for a boy...so again it was challenging my ideas of what my 'perfect adoptive child' would be. We had been approved nearly 4 months when the profile dropped through the letterbox.

We just kept asking for more info and being open to finding out more...meeting people etc.

I think (like you) part of my 'head over heart' thing was a protective barrier in case it wasn't going to work out.  Also we were 6 months into getting BMP and CWW so we had seen a lot of children's profiles at this point as well as the ones via our sw and none had come back to us. Each time I got 'emotionally attached' to some degree and each time it was a 'no'.

It took a chance phonecall from our sw to find out that they hadn't got a phone message from us to declare formal interest...and our SW was begging us to meet with DDs sw as she thought we would be perfect.

From there things moved so fast it was like a whirlwind.  

Phonecall start of Sept...met sw a week later...both sides agreed to take it forward later that week...we saw recent photos from FC and the next week we applied for formal linking (which happened on 6th oct) and we went to panel less than a week later on Oct 12th.  She moved home on 10th Nov.

But....I didn't 'fall in love' with her until nearly 3 months later cos it took me a wee while to accept she was mine and wasn't going away and it took a while to really properly 'bond'.

Magenta x


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## DH (Apr 6, 2005)

OT and Magenta - thank you ever so much for your full and frank responses and letting us know about your experiences.  We really appreciated your help.  

We decided not to go any further with the children we had been discussing as we had more questions than answers but most of all the "feeling" just wasn't there.  

So, we are now back to square one - and just crossing our fingers that the "feeling" will come along soon.  Hopefully we will be able to post again (but for better reasons) under the good heading of "Parenting Adopted Children" rather than going back to "Approved Prospective Adopters" for too long!

Thanks again for your help.

DH


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi DH

I just want to say you have done a difficult but brave thing. We too decided not to go ahead with the first set of children we were approached about. A difficult thing to do when we have all waited so long. 

We certainly didn't know straight away with BBB but i think MAgenta's point about wanting to know more is the key thing. We were almost there after meeting the FC but didn't commit 100% until we met the medical adviser, 2 and a half mnths after initial info and one week before matching panel !! And here we are 10 mnths into our wonderful family life with our gorgeous boy. 

Hope things work out for you and you find your family soon
HHH


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