# Finding it difficult to cope



## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Hi

Im a lurker on ff, I find it painful to come onto ff due to my numerous failed ivf attempts/seeing former cycle buddies being successful with their attempts and moving on with their lives is difficult, dont get me wrong Im pleased for them but unfortunately it has never been dh and I....  I have come onto this thread many times and have posted on an occasion, you are all such a supportive bunch of ladies.

I'm feeling so isolated and alone at the moment   Since my last ever failed treatment several months ago dh and I have been trying to come to terms with our involuntary childlessness I thought I was doing well until Xmas time when I saw a friends two young children, it really hit me that we will never experience the joys and rewards of being parents, I think up until then I was in a form of denial, saying to myself 'oh well children are expensive, dh and I can now do what we want, go on lots of holidays, buy what we want for ourselves without having to think of anyone else etc'  This mode of thinking I use on my good days however I know that material things will never make up for never being parents, I would give everything I owned away in an instant if we could have a family. The majority of our friends who have become pg easily/have their families have turned their back on us, as they just dont know what to say to us, yes Im envious of their luck, not having to go through IF however even if some empathy was shown in our direction it would at least have shown us that they are true friends.  I'm sure that dh is in denial about not having children, he says that he is coping but Im not so sure about that, he has a tendency to retreat into his cave as men can do, I feel awful for him as the IF is due to me, my confidence/self esteem in every way has been affected with it, I dont feel like a normal woman as I will never know what it is like to give birth etc     I've lost my purpose in life, I am not sure how I can get through some days, I feel all that I do is work, come home, weekend comes around, I have tried to set myself llittle enjoyable goals like going for meals with dh and the few friends I have left who dont have children. I enjoy these times but usually my good mood is short lived when I am faced with our grief ie tv adverts centred around 'the family' babies, everywhere in society are babies and families, work colleagues being pg, having to avoid these colleagues or colleagues with young children as it is too painful.  Im just finding it so difficult to cope right now, things seem to be getting worse rather than better    I know that it is still early days but I guess it has really hit me  how this is it, we will never have children. Dont even have any nieces or nephews to shower with affection  So sorry to rant on, I know that you lovely ladies completely understand how I am feeling, I guess Im looking for some support from people who are in the same situation.

Take care
Meerkatz x


----------



## dhikki (Sep 5, 2005)

Hello dear meerkatz,

I just wanted to reply to you and give you my support. I can't really help and give you wonderful words of wisdom, because quite honestly i just don't have any and feel really low myself at this time...... 

I do know exactly where your coming from though and my heart truly goes out to you and of course your dear DH,  

I also know exactly how you feel about other ff friends going on to get there BFP's. I joined ff quite sometime ago and there has been so many people i chat too that have left me behind and gone on to have there babies. It's not that i am not totally over the moon for them all but i just feel so left behind and alone!  

My heart is with you and if i can be of any help at all I'm here for a chat 

Love always Donna xx


----------



## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

All I can say is that you are not alone. We had the final biopsy that my husband is going to go through on Dec 3 which was negative. So not even a chance of ICSI. He is dead against donation at the moment, but I am sure he feels terrible that he can't give me a baby and goes in the cave. 

We have started counseling to explore other options. We will in detail look at staying together, splitting up, donation and adoption, living child free. At the end of the day all I want is my baby. I totally relate to your feelings and thoughts as I have them all hourly, every waking day.

Last night there was a film on about a fireman who ends up dying and leaving 2 little ones. But in it he remembers back on his life. I cried and felt sick inside when he remembered finding out his wife was pregnant and the ensuing excitement about it, then the birth. I felt like I was on the outside of a goldfish bowl looking in and would never have that. Not part of society. Excluded.
My husband caught sight of me and muttered "fiction". But it isn't is it? It goes around us everywhere. I work in hospital and see pregnant people and babies everyday. It is in TV, magazines, in the street, on the train and in the shops. We can't escape and the "you must be a mother to be worthy of being female" message is continually enforced.
I can only sympathise, and hope like you that something gets better one day.


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dearest ladies

We're all here on this board because we have had one common denominator at some point in time - wanting to have a child, although our journeys arriving here have all been different. My thoughts go out to all of you - those still going through tx and those who are nearing the end of tx, and those who are at the end of tx.

IF is cruel, it is devastating, isolating and has far reaching effects into every single aspect of our lives. Its also a sad fact that those who have never experienced the depths of despair IF brings have no idea of the impact on our every day existence. People who suffer with IF are most definitely in the minority and its not something that you come across much - its still a taboo subject out there in the 'real live world' as opposed to the WWW. The media often only wants to portray 'uplifting' stories and its deemed as a resounding success when someone overcomes massive odds to have a child. Unfortunately this can make it seem to those who have never experienced IF that its relatively 'easy' or a 'safe bet' that IF treatment will end up in a baby - and to those of us left behind who will never hold our own babies, these messages from the media reaffirm our feelings of 'failure' because we have not achieved 'success' in the shape of a family. The media also re-affirms these negative feelings because almost everything you see on tv or in the newspapers is geared up for families.

To be at the very end of the journey and knowing that there will never be any chance of becoming a biological parent can be a very dark place indeed. Its a time when we have to try and learn to process thoughts in a different way, to look at our lives and take stock and to wonder where we are going to go from here onwards, often wandering around dazed and devastated from the aftermath of years spent trying and when it all ends feeling like something battered by the sea and washed up on the shore, left high and dry.

Most people have spent many years stuck doing jobs they hated in the hope of maternity benefits, or have watched all their surrounding siblings, extended family, friends and colleagues achieve parental status whilst they have quietly died inside a little at their own personal plight of trying for a family and waited... and waited and hoped and prayed some more. Most people have had to live their lives around strict timetables of treatment, when the next treatment will begin and planning for every eventuality of more treatment, tests, test results and meetings with health professionals. Some people have been able to confide in family, friends and/or colleagues, others have dared not to because of lack of understanding about the whole process or because they can't deal with others reactions on top of the plethora of emotions they are already dealing with by simply going through the IF & treatment process. Some find themselves in the postion of not having many friends left because of the difficulties they have faced through their IF process.

Is it any wonder that when all this is over, it leaves people wandering in what feels like a shadowland? Is it any wonder that people feel lost, alone, abandoned of all hope, berefit? When families think we should just be able to 'put it all behind us'? When friendships turn sour because our friends feel so guilty of what they have and don't know how to reach out to us and we in turn feel cheated because our friends are supposed to know us best and be there for us? When others take a different path because they are now parents and their lives are so different to ours? When there are some who deliberately avoid us, and avoid telling us of their pregnancies etc making us feel even more isolated?

The truth about coming to the end of the line and not being able to have children is that its a massive, often complicated grieving process to go through (and there is no time limit for grief, it takes however long it has to take - sometimes this process can take years). Its a whole new thought process and life process to go through, and its hard to change our thought processes from years spent in one mode of thought to suddenly knowing that thinking along those lines are not going to be of any help any more. Its life changing in so many ways, and involves so many variables for each individual...

I've often said to my closest friends that I will never ever get over not being able to have a family, this is something I will carry to the end of my days. Yet I've pretty much come to terms with not being able to do so - for me this means I have found that place of peace in myself (resigned myself possibly)? to the fact that this is not going to happen. In doing so though I realise that certain things inside me have shifted too - I'm a lot 'harder' now emotionally than I ever used to be. Self protection, or the cost of years of angst that have done this to me? In truth, I don't know. 

Meercatz and the other lovely ladies, thank you for your thought provoking posts. By reaching out to each other you have helped me make some semblance of 'something' about all the thoughts churning around my head this weekend. And don't I waffle on, huh?   No, there are no answers to this whole process really, it affects us all so profoundly... it just helps a little to be able to have the space to speak about it here and know we are not alone!

Much love to all
Emcee xxx


----------



## carol d (May 1, 2007)

I'm sorry to gatecrash this post but I've just read it and can't believe that you have totally expressed how I feel right now (I was even going to post a thread about how I felt) until I read this one and realised I'm not alone   

I don't know why it's just hit me but it has with FULL FORCE that I won't be anyone's mum   

Feel stupid to make a fuss but feel I'm drowning and nobody is listening 

I know I've got to pick myself up and soldier on but I'm not sure if I can this time.

I don't fit in anywhere 

carol d


----------



## mb05 (Apr 12, 2005)

it is not until you find this website ...and especailly this forum..that you realise you are not alone......

thank you to emcee for the marvellous "moderator" job you do...you are a star...you are so eloquent...and so many things I feel ..... (and I am sure many others feel aswell)....you somehow manage to put into words......I am afraid I cannot add any more words of wisdom...except the grief does  get easier......although at the time you cannot imagine it ever doing so.......

saying that....I had one of those knock-you-sideways moments today when a colleague announced she was pregnant.....unplanned.....I did manage to keep strong....but had to listen to her talk about nurseries, maternity leave etc......but it has been playing on my mind all day......

anyway love and strength to you all for 2008....
mb05


----------



## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ladies

Have not been on this thread for a while as things seem to get on top of me as of late and i found myself not having a very good time, the same with me its a year on xmas day we lost our little angel and going though the anniversary has broke my heart, the thought of never been a mother and not been able to experience been 1 giving birth and 2 not been a parent, 

To be honest ladies i really thought i was dealing with the pressure very well but going though xmas which is a childrens time and then turning the television on and constantly been reminded of children and also receiving things via the post has yes i will admit made me crack,i know that the world has more families than not and i understand that,but it would be nice just to be mentioned,
today and every other day i wake up do whatever and then go to bed, i am so scared l think what has life got for us, i said to dh what is going to happen, there are only so many holidays we can go on and only so many time you can stay in bed till 12:00, 

l feel really down and frightened at the moment and still keep asking myself why me, what have i done so badly that i deserve a life with the man i love and we ca'nt have that child thats made by us to enjoy and put on the right road to life, l just feel very angry,

My heart is with you meerkatz and l really understand how you feel and for all us ladies that are hurting at the moment my heart
is feeling for you too


love    bell


----------



## moggy3 (Jan 13, 2007)

Meerkatz I really understand every word you've said-I could've written it myself.

The feelings of despair & loneliness that can overwhelm you at times, that never a day goes by without some kind of a reminder, no matter how small, that you will never be a mum.

Especially when other people around you seem to achieve that dream without even trying  

Even on other areas of this site it can still be upsetting-for myself I was posting in another area whilst I was going through treatment (with other ladies who were at the same hospital ) and they were a wealth of support, Ive carried on putting the occasional post on there and keeping up to date with how they're all getting on.
In the last few months many of them have got their long-awaited BFP's, are progressing well with their pregnancies and a couple have given birth. Many have/are expecting twins as well having opted for blasts ( I had blasts on our 2nd & final attempt )
Now I don't begrudge any of them their happiness-they all have been through a lot with IF but I can never stop myself thinking why not me? why couldn't my treatment have worked? Did I do something wrong?

I just feel that Im being punished for something, and thats nothing compared to the guilt I feel on an almost daily basis. That it's not just our lives that are affected-its my own parents/brother/S-I-L, they will never be grandparents/an uncle or an aunty.

Like you meerkatz, me and my DH don't have nieces or nephews either and never will have. It all seems so unfair that we won't even get the chance to be an aunt & uncle-the next best thing if we cannot have our own children.
So now we just have to try and decide what to do with the rest of our lives, in this world that is geared solely towards 'families' and children and accept the fact that we will never be part of it ( and for myself, I will never be able to tell my DH that he is going to be a dad-something I had spent years dreaming about )

Remember we are all in the same boat here and know exactly how each other feels-and are probably each others only sanity in this quite often cruel world.

A quick word to emcee-you have such a way of being able to put into words exactly how we all feel in a way that just flows-we are so lucky to have you  

Wishing everyone some peace through 2008

Judy
xxxx

P.s. Meerkatz-if you ever need any support feel free to pm me, we seem to be going through very similar emotions


----------



## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Hey guys,

Meerkatz, I didn't want to read and run.

I was 16yrs old when I found out that I had Turner's Syndrome and therefore I have no ovaries, so not only is there no chance of me ever bearing a biological child, but IVF with DE is not advisable as TS patients have heart issues and pregnancy can be dangerous, furthermore adoption is pretty much out of the question as many agencies reject people who have pre-existing medical conditions.

Anyhow, as you can imagine my heart broke and I have found that for me, the best way to get by is to set up a little note book with a list of things to do e.g. things to achieve today, this week, this month etc, so I am still aware that I do have a purpose and that I can still achieve.  I have also saught solace from being on FF and furthermore if you add the 'causes' application on ******** I managed to find other people with the same specific issue as me so I can really talk in depth about things.  I find that this helps because as I'm sure you guys are all very well aware as one gets older then all the friends and relatives start breeding like rabbits, and peeps like us can start to back off..not out of selfishness but as an act of self preservation.  I also try to stick to child free areas, such as bars that have a no family policy. There are also a couple of nice bistro/restaurants near us that never seem to have kids in.  That way I can enjoy my life and my wonderful hubbie too and the issue just seems to never bubble over.  Carve your niche dear!!!  I refuse to keep a low profile just because I am infertile.


----------



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

To all you ladies on here who are having such a rough time  

Your emotions are so raw, they leap off the screen and my heart goes out to you. It has been a while since I felt the pain of IF quite so deeply, but I will never, ever, forget the awfulness of it. The dark hole you slip into and which seems impossible to climb back out of. I just want to tell you that it does get better. It won't happen overnight, and the bad news is that it may take a long time, but you are grieving for so much - the life you imagined and the child that should have been yours. You would have to have a heart of stone to move on from that in a few months.

I believed there would never be a place for me in this world, and I too felt I was less of a woman because I had never given birth - but I now know that it is possible to have a fulfilling and happy life without being a parent. I never thought I would hear myself saying that! I will always have a child-shaped hole in my life, and nothing will ever fill it. And I will take that sadness to the grave with me, but it is no longer the thing that dominates my every waking moment. I no longer feel defined and labelled by my IF, instead I have accepted it as one part of my existence. And there will come a day when you realise that your thoughts have also shifted.

To all of you - be gentle with yourselves, don't expect too much too soon. It is a long and difficult road ahead, but it is also one that is full of opportunity and happiness, just in different ways from the ones you had imagined. Easy for me to say, but I know it is near impossible for you to believe at the moment.

In the meantime, have any of you read any of the various self-help books - I found Sweet Grapes helped me. I also benefitted from counselling, and if any of you have access to support, you might find it helpful too. And please keep on posting here - this is the most supportive place I know, and I wish it had been around when I was going through IF.

I suppose I just want you to know that there truly is light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that each and every one of you will eventually find your new path.  

Love,
Solitaire
xxx


----------



## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Dear Ladies

This thread has struck such a chord with me today.  I know I have to get on with living without children, and at times now, I can see the up-side of  what our situation enables us to do with our time and money, but other times are just so desolate.

There are a lot of preganancies in my workplace at the moment, some amongst very close colleagues, and lots of newborns too, many of whom regularly visit with their proud parents.  I feel I have a threshold of how much PG/baby related staff I can deal with on any given day before I feel an overwhelming urge to run out of the office, drive home and then spend the rest of the evening in floods of tears. (I've not actually done the running out of the office bit yet, but as I'm the boss, I feel I just can't).

I know that some of this is due to the time of year, after the focus on families over Christmas, it is hard not to feel that something huge is missing.  

Solitaire...thanks so much for giving us some hope that one day, it won't feel so raw.  When I read all the earlier messages, I just wanted to be able to meet up with everyone   .  It just so isolating at times, especially when everone around appears to be parents or parents-to-be.

Much love to you all,

Eilidh
XX


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi there ladies

It's been a while since I felt the emotions you describe (we gave up in the late summer of 2005) but your eloquence has vividly reminded me of just how dark and lonely an experience it is and that the depth of despair can be overwhelming. I was very moved by your posts.

I wanted to echo the words of solitaire, at the moment it is dreadfully dark tunnel, but, given time, there is light at the end. It's not the life I wanted to lead and I never thought I'd be able to say it but, as I have no choice, this life that I have to lead _is_ (now) one of opportunity and happiness.

I wish with all my heart I could say something to ease the pain (in the same way I wished someone could have eased my pain) but I know I can't except to say cry the tears that need to be cried and be gentle with yourselves.

flipper

PS As ever Emcee your ability to capture in words the emotions that go with this thing and provide comfort and insight is remarkable.


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Thank you ladies for your kind words  

I just wanted to add that for many years I felt I defined myself as someone who was simply exsisting without any purpose as I felt my purpose in life (having children) was gone, there was nothing else left for me to enjoy in life any more - except when I could shake the cobwebs off for long enough my darling DH and those others close to me.

Even though I have been blessed with love and wonderful friends, that deep pit of sadness was never far from the surface, and sometimes it overwhelmed me and bubbled over. Along the way I realised that you know what? I am not a failure - for all of you who have had tx that never worked - I always say *you* never failed the treatment because you gave it your best shot - your treatment *failed you.* For those of you (like myself) who for one reason or another has never been able to have children naturally - equally you are not a failure. Those of us who will forever remain childless are often failed by society; societies general perceptions and - pardon the phrase, no pun intended (!) - misconceptions of people like me and you.

Yes, there are going to be dark days ahead for those of you struggling, my heart goes out to all of you out there who are having a dreadful time with all of this... but I would also like to promise you that there are eventually going to be days when the clouds will lift a little at a time... you will once again find yourselves carving a way through all the pain and sorrow, maybe you will be a little more sombre than before deep down inside... but I promise you that you will find your way back to being you.

If anything all this overwhelming IF stuff has taught me to seize the moment, to stand up for myself and be counted and to make the most of what my life has to offer me now. Its a completely different path to the one I always thought I would tread, nonetheless all things considered its not a bad old life. (Just the job I'm doing sucks - but thats a different story/thread)!

I just want to end this post by saying to each and every one of you that you are all loving, lovable and amazing people, and that you have given so much of yourselves just by posting here - and helping many others who are struggling with the very same things.

Much love to all
Emcee xxx


----------



## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Thank you ladies for all your kind replies , the amount of support on this thread is so comforting, makes me realise that although IF is a very isolating experience I am not alone.

Emcee and Solitaire, thank you for putting into words how we all feel and giving us hope that although we are all on a painful journey somehow, someday our journey will become less painful whatever path we decide to take   Like you say emcee we are all brave people going through an incredibly difficult life changing experience which the majority of the population will never have to bat an eyelid about.  What they all take for granted we would give our soul to hold our own child in our arms.  The grieving process we are going through is a silent one; everyday we are faced with our grief, be it pg women (dont know if anyone has seen the latest advert on tv for some sort of washing powder where some heavily pg women shows off her bare belly and brood of children to the camera  ) to the pronatalism in society where it is 'expected' that the natural progression of things is children.  For people like us, as a matter of self preservation, we are almost being forced to withdrawn from the society in its pronatal form through having to plan carefully where to go on holiday, what restaurant/pub to visit that will not present us with our grief at every corner.  What has shocked me most, however, is the amount of friendships/close friendships that have been lost during this horrendous journey, for me this has been one of the most upsetting things.  The way I see it is that this is their problem, not ours, at least if anything good has come out of IF it is that dh and I have a strong relationship.

I'm probably still too raw at the moment to provide much support as my mood changes from hour to day from great anger, sadness, envy, denial, its not helpful when the media rub it in our faces that such and such 'celebrity' is pg, miracle baby is born, birth stories for ever present.  In some ways I think it would be easier taking off to a mountain retreat somewhere and getting away from society  The other day at work I overheard a colleague discussing about how her career has not gone according to plan as first she got married, then followed children, how would she feel for one moment to live in our shoes, going through treatment after treatment cycle, our dignity stripped away in an instant..then after going through all this coming out with nothing at the endo accept heartbreak, pain, grief...

Thank you again you lovely ladies for being here and for being brave enough to open up your hearts and post on the thread.  We will all get through this somehow, although, for me at the moment I am not quite sure how  

Emcee, thank you for being such a great site moderator 

Love
Meerkatz xx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Meerkatz,

Sorry I was not around just after your post.

Emcee and the others have said so much. Just wanted to reiterate that there can be a good life ahead for all of us and that we FF are here for as long as you want to explore how you might find the way forward and what this might mean for you. That includes sharing the difficulties and hopefully hearing about the better times.

Love to all,

Jq xxx


----------



## Lynsey J (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi Meerkatz

Your post as to how you are feeling sums up exactly how I feel and I know I will feel until my last breath. 

It certainly does not get better as time goes by does it? - it gets worse and worse; the more friends and family have children time and time again and subsequently friends that do not want to know us anymore as we don't have children; they either stop contacting altogether / are completely insensitive and carry on as if they are on the only parents on earth or as my husband says treat their children as "trophy children".  It really is a lonely existence not being able to have children, and I feel that I do not fit in anywhere, and I know this isn't going to go away - no children - no grandchildren.  


It isn't just me that this horrible endo has caused so much pain and heartache for - it is my husband (although he has got a child), he is still suffering - we had always dreamt of our own child; the way that it is meant to be.  Also my mum will never be grandmother, and my brother will never be a uncle.  

We will be ready to start the adoption process in a few months time, but I have a gut feeling that we will not be allowed to as they always want perfection, and I know it will go wrong (I was right that we wouldn't have our own children, so I know this will go wrong). 

It is with me every waking minute, and I know I will never complete - never being called mummy, never having tiny arms fling themselves around my shoulders or wanting a cuddle, never receiving a mother's day card or happy birthday / christmas mummy to name but a few

Sorry if I have bleated on a bit.

Take care and best wishes


Lynsey


----------



## CathE (Mar 11, 2005)

Hi Ladies
I'm so glad I discovered this thread as you're all echoing my thoughts too.
I find myself crying everyday at the moment but deep down know this is the path of the grieving process and hoping to come out the other side soon.
 to all of you. 
Aw Lynsey why do you think you won't be able to adopt hun? You both have so much love to give to a child. I email a lady who's had a hysterectomy for endo and she's well on the way to adopting. Another couple I know of are wanting to adopt because she doesn't want to give birth (can't figure that one out) and the process has moved really quickly.
I had lots of lovely visions too of me and dh in a delivery suit looking down at our newborn and I can't stop crying as I know this isn't going to happen but our adoptive children will be showered with love.
It would be nice to keep this thread going 
Big hugs
Cath xxx


----------



## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Hi Lynsey
I am the lady that Cath mentioned, i had a hysterectomy in June last year and it didnt hinder the adoption at all, infact they were probably pleased id have it because some people go through the adoption process and then fall pregnant naturally and therefore dont want to continue and then its been a waste of the adoption agencies time and money.

Believe me, i am far from perfect and so is my husband, they dont want perfect people, they just want normal people who are open, honest and loving.  

i know its hard when people around you are getting pregnant, but you have to look to the future and think about that special child that is waiting for you!

i dont think the feeling you have will never go away, i will always regret not being able to have birth children but i am hoping once we adopt, that feeling will lessen.

if you ever want a chat, pm me.

Best of luck

Julia x


----------



## Joan (Oct 22, 2005)

Hallo everyone,

I've just found this board and been strangled with tears. I need to join you please.

I was told yesterday that it is the end of the road for us.

I've read through various threads and all the posts and feel safer being nearer to you or knowing that you are all there, suffering too.

I share all the emotions and feelings and sorrow and desperation.

I just can't believe i'm not going to have a baby. I'm 44 for Christ's sake. what am i going to do for the next 40 years of my life?

I'm desperate. really desperate. I want to sit here and feel close to all of you all day.

My immediate instinct, living in london, is to sell up and move to a deserted spot. Just live on my own, with my dog. I mean, what is the point of, anything, anymore. All my stuff, all my inherited things, my plans, my memories, what happens to them. no one to leave them to. no one to teach all that i know. We can burn things, throw things away, but it is impossible to clean out your mind.

Desperate. absolutely desperate.

I'm glad to have found this thread today. I'd like to hug everybody please.

love from joan.


----------



## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Oh Joan,
I am so sorry that you have received such devastating news. You must be absolutely reeling. 
I was exactly where you are a year ago and I feel how much pain you are in. 
You are so welcome to join us. This is an extraordinary group of people who will totally get how you are feeling, support you, listen to you, share your pain. 
I am sorry you have to join us but you are very welcome.
Love MeganXX


----------



## carol d (May 1, 2007)

Just wanted to say Hi Joan 
Really sorry about your news and totally understand what you say about what's the point - who to give it to etc  
Just keep talking and these lovely ladies will help you as they have me.

Look after yourself and each otherCarol xx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Joan,

Just wanted you to know that your post moved me and that I am glad you have already found some support from the board.

Someone who used to be a regular member once said that she imagined we had spun an invisable web of support around one another and were there to catch each other when we needed holding up. When she felt very down, she imagined all of us holding out our arms for her. I think that is a great way to describe how we are for each other.

Love,

Jq xxx


----------



## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Hi Joan,
I have felt/feel all the same things and thought the same thoughts as you.
It is devastating. A terrible bereavement that you need to work through. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of time, and people around you may not understand. 
Fortunately, we are all on here to help and support each other, as WE understand.

You may not feel ready at the moment, but have you had any good counselling?
My husband and I have been struggling with one thing after another for the past 7 years, including the terrible realisation that we are never going to have a biological child together. This has taken ages to find out for sure due to frustrating waiting times which has added to my despair.
We have got to the point where we can't communicate about it between the two of us because it is so emotionally charged. I have felt so low and have wondered if anything is worth continuing with, what is going to happen to everything I and my parents worked so hard for, what is the point?
My husband finds it very difficult as he just wants to run away and ignore the issue, which makes me feel like he doesn't care. 

Counselling has made me feel like there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. Our counsellor has helped us see that there may be other options that we have not been able to see through our grief, and is now in the process of helping us to decide what option is the right one for us to take.

Try the BICA website for more details. I cannot tell you how helpful it is for me for someone to understand and talk to me about my deepest feelings on a personal level.

Hazel


----------



## crazybabe (Apr 24, 2007)

Hi Hopeful Hazel

Are you feeling ok hun, I know exactly how you must be feeling as my DH and I are in the exact situation, we have had 3 IUI treatments which one was a very faint positive and sadly ended in a very early MC, then we had IVF/ICSI back in Nov 2007 and it also failed, we did discuss going for egg share I thought it would be nice to help other mums conceice and as we cannot afford to pay thousands of pounds at a risk it will work or not, but after looking into it in more depth I have decided against it as I could not cope with the thoughts that what happened to my eggs I wonder if the receipient got pregnant, and I would be dreading that when the child reached 18 they would want to find me and I know that I could not cope with that, so after several discussion and cries I came to the decision that we will adopt, we want a child more than anyone could possibly imagine and at least we know that once we get approved and matched we will have our child at the end, and I thought to myself one day last week, DH and I have had a very stressful and emotional few years waiting for test results etc and my husbands way of dealing with it is not talking about it, which made me feel as I weren't really having the support i needed even though DH told me numerous times that he was 100% behind me with it all, I felt as if I was going through things be myself, we started arguing over petty things and our relationship weren't pleasant, but I have seen such a difference in us already, and I have only made an appointment to see SW for adoption, DH has been talking about it and seems like we are in this together, so all I can say to you hun is, there are other option out there but it is such a emotion rollercoaster and a big decision to make.  I hope this have helped, anytime you want a chat, I'm here to listen okay.

crazybabe


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Joan

So sorry to hear of the heartache you are going through   please let me assure you that we all welcome you with open arms here.

I've got no wise words for you whilst you go through this, but I see the lovely ladies have already said some supportive and understanding stuff - just to say I think your message has struck so many chords with every single one of us here. You most certainly aren't alone hon.

We can't guarantee that this will be easy for you, but I can honestly say hand on heart that this board is such a supportive place and that someone usually comes along who can offer you an arm to lean on  when you need one.

Thinking of you and sorry I didn't get to see this sooner - have only had the chance to log on here this evening.

Love
Emcee x


----------



## Joan (Oct 22, 2005)

Hallo everyone,

thanks for your welcomes and messages. it's truly great to know you are all there.
thank you. xxx

joan x


----------

