# 4 Year Old - Massive hysterical tantrums ALL the time - is this normal?



## Imogen

Hi,

Hope it's okay to post this here as the Qu concerns my Ds who will be 4 next month?

Brief history - very very very severe reflux as a baby so literally never put down, so lots of sleep and attatchment issues still ongoing.  Ds has had challenging year - arrival of Dd, major major marriage probs (and Dh had 'breakdown') which sadly have spilled over Ds far more than they should have - began playgroup in Feb (very traumatic)  and has now just started nursery.  Oh and house is on market.   So poor soul has had a lot to cope with and clearly this will all affect him a lot.  I have every sympathy with what he has been / is going through and feel very guilty - tho' I suspect I may have been over-compensating.

However, he gets hysterical over everything, all the time. eg, if I walk down the stairs before him (or after him, or next to him), if I go to the kitchen to get a clean spoon, if his porridge is put in the bowl the 'wrong' way,  if I need to go to the loo etc  etc etc.
He wants to sit on my lap being spoon fed, and if I refuse will pick up everyones dinner and chuck it at the wall.  He banged his head off the wall in frustration the other day at something (cant' even remember what now).  Making a phone call is impossible, I have to lie and say I'm at Asda every time he's at playgroup as he can't cope with the thought of me going home without him (and I have to give him an inventory of what I've bought when I pick him up    I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, but I also feel guilty for posting this as it seems so disloyal.  I love him to bits, and when he's not stropping, he's a lovely lad.  

The thing is, he is positively angelic when out of the house, and none of my friends can believe he is anything but super helpful, little lord fontleroy type - jekyll and hyde more like!

It has been building up for a long time but since Feb it has got worse and is now completely out of hand.  He cries and gets terribly terribly upset (can't speak, gasping for breath etc) and I feel so sorry for him but then, if I can't or won't do what he wants he screams, throws things and slaps and punches (increasingly hard  .   He seems to have no respect for me whatsoever: 'go in the kitchen and get me my dinner, NOW!'.

I have tried - giving him quiet days, busy days, inbetweenie days, whatever he wants to eat, no sugar at all for a week etc  I have tried ignoring it (hard when furniture is whizzing past your head), telling him off, shouting   and threatening to smack his bottom     I've tried the naughty step, I've tried putting him in his room (not locking it, I hasten to add!) etc but truth is, I find him physically quite hard to control.  He knows this and makes the most of it. I've tried star charts, taking away toys / treats etc all to no avail.  

Now I know tantrums are all part of being a preschooler and I know that small boys have big testosterone surges to cope with and all that but - previously when a friend and a relative have said: 'that's not normal' I have dismissed their comments as rubbish but I am starting to wonder - do we have a massive dose of the 'terrible twos' just rather late, or is there something underlying this  I do think he has been badly affected by the atmosphere in the house over the last few months and I do try to remember that all the time but I do feel that his behaviour is out of order and needs addressing as well. This afternoon he finally reduced me to tears and he sat and laughed in my face and I must say tonight I feel terribly upset about it.  He has exasperated me before (many a time    but this is different, I just feel overwhelmed by it.  My HV is not an option and I feel if I speak to my GP then some 'psychological problems' ball will start rolling and I don't want that, but I do need some guidance about handling it (and whether its' normal being so extreme - I haven't described it well here, but it is quite extreme all the time and its affecting the whole family).

Any advice gratefully considered.
Sorry for essay.

Imogen.x


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## verity c

Hi Imogen,

Sorry for the delay in my reply, work has been hectic   

Just wondering how you are getting on with your son??

Please let me know and if you need i can still try and help

Luv V xx


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## Imogen

Hi Verity,

I can see you have a lot on your plate (CONGRATULATIONS!)
but if you have a moment then 

Yes, please, I would still like advice.  

Ds won't go to bed, for example, and is still running around at 10.30pm, which is nonsense.
I've tried all sorts.  Last night my Dh lost his temper and shouted at him and it stopped him in his tracks, for about 30 secs   and then he just carried on.  He opens stair gates and door handles so I can't 'contain' him in his room (wouldn't 'shut him in' anyway), so he just runs around until he passes out.  I now simply take him back upstairs every time, saying 'bedtime' firmly - nothing else.  Surely I shouldn't still be doing this at nearly 4
I've tried rewarding good behaviour with small treats, tried praising lots when he does what I ask, tried star charts etc etc and I think lots of positive things but this doesn't seem to stop the 'bad' behaviour. Obviously we can't (and wouldn't   bash him  , shouting isn't nice and doesn't work anyway, taking away toys / treats doesn't seem to work either (would have to empty the house).  I just don't know the best way to tackle this, but know I need to!

thanks.
love, Imogen.x.


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## Imogen

bump


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## verity c

Hi Imogen,

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to reply but have only been popping on due to work being hectic and having loads of things to sort, no excuse i know but still   

I am so sorry you are still having so many problems with your ds   To me it sounds as though he is playing on the problems you have had in the past year. 

Are you and dh still together?? Either way it is so important that you are both consistent with the way you deal with ds's behaviour. It is obvious he is taking alot of things out on you but don't let him. I know this is very easy for me to say but he has to have respect for you and your dh otherwise the behavior will continue  

What means of discipline have you tried?? naughty step? cool down area? (I know it sounds supernanny like but these things work) 

Have you discussed these problems with your own hv?? it may be worth it??

Please get back in touch and keep me up to date,

Luv and a very big      V xxx


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## verity c

Just thought aswell!!

Do you have some alone time with ds at all?? Also a bedtime routine?? 

Luv V xxx


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