# How do people cope with infertility when treatment isn't an option at present?



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Title says it all really...

I apologise in advance for the pity party (it will pass). Just need to talk to somebody who understands   

I'm having a particularly difficult day today. The day started when I got up early to go to one of my favourite cafes - to avoid the families with young children and babies that follow... Unfortuntely I didn't get there early enough and ended up sitting outside when the barrisa decided to direct a couple with a new born right next to me, in an otherwise empty part of the cafe... Now that shouldn't be a big deal right? They have every right to sit there. But, it's so, so hard to be around that. It feels like everywhere I go there are babies and I mean literally everywhere!!! I live in a suburb of London which is literally jam packed with families with young children. There is no escape. I can't help reflecting on, that could have been me in a few weeks (if the IVF had worked). Work used to be my sanctuary. Not anymore though because one of my colleagues has just announced her pregnancy having asked me whether I am pregnant. WTF!!! No, I'm just a bit chubby thanks to all the fertility drugs still in my system!... Grrrr!!!

It's not game over yet... but for financial reasons,  I can't have another go at treatment for at least another year (probably two) and ideally with a partner. But, how am I going to attract somebody when I feel so low?? 

How do people cope with the above scenarios? I literally left two cafes today (almost leaving my bags behind) because I was surrounded by babies. It feels like there is a baby boom or something at the moment. I feel like there is no sanctuary/place to go that doesn't have children and babies come too... It's not that I hate kids (which might be how it looks to the couples with children). I just can't face being around them and their proud, smug parents (sorry, that's a generalisation I know!!). I'm afraid common sense is out of the window at the moment  . Most of all I'm scared that I will never have a child or experience family life. Whilst I'm not afraid of getting older I am afraid of getting older without realising my dream of family life. I'm almost in panic mode. I literally can not afford treatment for another year or so (I would do IUI now if it wasn't for my blocked tubes) so I'm looking at DE IVF. 

My mother doesn't know what to say to me anymore and relatives have basically suggested I'm mad and selfish to contemplate motherhood in my forties (how ignorant and misguided they are). Subsequently, I feel very alone and unsupported and meanwhile all my friends (and ex-friends) are coupled up and producing children.... To put it simply. I don't know what to do to cope with all of this. I feel like I'm going mad...

Main emotions: anger, bitterness, jealousy, sadness, despair and some hope - it it wasn't for the hope I don't know where I'd be. I just want feel happiness again. 

Sorry for the long rant. I have good days and bad days and today is a bad day unfortunately. I need to think of things to do at the weekend because that is the hardest time for me (when I'm not busy). Don't want to be a hermit in order to avoid anything baby related   I do need to de-activate a particular social media site though (you know which one I mean)!


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

I'm really sorry your having a bad day today. Infertility is cr*p. It must be especially hard if you are missing a partner. I am also having a bit of a pity party too. Think my hormones are going mad but not sure if it is because my sister in law is pregnant. TBH, I seem to be locking myself away far too much. Working at home means I go days without speaking to anyone except DH - I think this is making me worse. I truly am a hermit.

On a practical level, try googling serrapaptase and blocked tubes. Some people have had some luck at unblocking tubes using this supplement. I am using it for bladder scars and a fibroid.I have had a bit of improvement with my bladder pain. 

For now, I would try getting into the present moment and remembering that you don't know what will happen in a minute, let alone a day. You may meet a partner, you may win the lottery... 

I would recommend the mindfulness course to help with present moment. It really helps reduce the negative thinking, but because infertility is so ongoing, it doesn't take the pain away. bemindful.co.uk is the official course that I attended. If you can't afford the course (about £250), there is an online course listed on the site, or buy the book 'A mindful way through depression' by Jon Kabat Zinn - he is the founder of the mindfulness formal course (not the practice, that goes back centuries). There is a CD included in the book and you have to follow it daily.

Chimp paradox can help with negative thinking to, i can also help you make plans to make your dream come true. We have a baby plan, summary is > IVF, DE, Adoption. 

Relatives are not too helpful, and if they are not supportive, best not confide in them. I would probably seek support on this forum rather than negative people. The infertility network also provide local meeting that are very useful. 

It's hard to know what to advise about men. I would perhaps try to get yourself in good shape emotionally, extend your circle of friends and hopefully one will appear.  I found when I was single, the good guys got snapped up really quickly. Guys that were left were bachelors and men that didn't want kids (or wanted to grow up). I read, 'why men marry some women and not others.' Eighteen months before I read that, I had refused a date with my now husband because he had a child and was a bit too keen. Instead I dated a few non-commitment guys. I read that book and I changed my thinking. I went to a party, my now-husband was there, he had broken up with someone only a week earlier. We chatted and I made the move towards him at the end of the evening. If I hadn't read that book, I would have never have gone out with him. Worked out perfectly, as I love him more that anything else. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I still have the book and it is worthless to me now. If you want, I'm happy to post it to you? If you do, you'll need to PM me an address.

The emotions are completely understandable. I find this really hard, but you have to let yourself feel all those emotions as they are part of the human experience. When we store up those emotions, apparently, it makes us ill. My current experiment to release emotions is to write my rant on paper, using swear words. I then tear it up, never to look at it again. It calmed me a little this morning, but infertility is hard so nothing seems to work 100%...

I hope this has given you some suggestions. I'm off to take some of my advice now. 

Take care.
xx


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

deedee_spark   Thank you so much for your thoughtful and helpful reply. It means a lot. I'm sorry that you having a bad time also - you are right infertility is cr*p!...

I'm curious to find out more about serrapaptase - do you think acupuncture is helpful for blocked tubes? I'm actually thinking about having another HSG/HyCosy to check that my tubes are actually blocked. A consultant I spoke too recently explained that sometimes the tubes can spasm when the dye is injected giving the impression that there is a blockage? I'm a little dubious about his theory because the tubal patency test is meant to be pretty accurate. But, still worth considering before moving onto DE IVF. Would love to give IUI a shot and would do it this year if the clinic said my tubes were ok.

Mindfulness is certainly something I will look into. I know this has helped a lot of people and whilst I probably wouldn't pay the £250 I will have a look at the online course. The Chimp Paradox is also on my Amazon wish list  .

Regarding men. What you said I can related to. I consistently seem to attract commitment phobes, confirmed bachelors or guys that don't want children. I've started therapy to try and explore this further. I would prefer more specific infertility counselling, but it seems hard to come by. But, you're right it's important to be in good emotional shape - will add 'why men marry some women and not others' to my wish list too. It is very kind of you to offer to post it to you. If I have difficulty locating it on Amazon I will PM you my address - thank you  . I am glad things worked out for you and you found your husband. Stories like that give me hope.

I think for me that main thing is learning to like myself a bit better and not compromising my standards in regard to how I expect to be treated in a relationship. It does feel like that all the good men are snapped up sometimes especially by the time one hits their 40's, but I know quite a few people that have met their future partner/husband later on even though both parties may have been married/divorced/widowed before. It's just a case of being in the right place at the right time, being open to possibilities and getting out more. The last bit is what I struggle with most because I often feel overwhelmed when I go out for reasons outlined in my first post. I feel like a different person at work though (confident, outgoing).... It's like there are two parts to me. I need to try and direct that persona to my personal relationships too  .

Deedee_spark, once again for your helpful reply. I'm going to research Serrapaptase now and consider getting a second opinion in regard to my blocked tubes. I would be over the moon if they were still open. I think I would need strong sedation first thought. My first experience of the HyCosy was not pleasant due to the spasms/cramps - may have affected the results, who knows. Thank you   Incidentally, can you buy serrapeptase in a health food store?


/links


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi Gaia71,

I don't know why I was having a bad day. I am better now. Infertility also makes me feel like I am bi-polar (I'm not)! One day able to cope, the next a raging monster or crying mess. I have realised that I am currently blaming everyone else for my situation, instead of accepting the situation and working with it. It is easier for me to blame than deal with the hurt and pain because my body hasn't done what it is supposed to do. Today I am fine. I'm going to a full days work and ignore this fertility forum 'till tomorrow morning.

I had a quick flick through the why men marry some but not others book. If you're feeling delicate, it is probably not the best read for you right now. It is a USA book based on market research of people coming out of the marriage licensing office. So it is based on stats. I might be a bit out of date now as internet dating is very popular. I do remember feeling a bit frustrated by the book because it's blunt/stats based.

It does say it is very difficult to meet someone the older you get. *Difficult but not impossible*. Men (apparently) are visual creatures who will go for younger women who look good. When I was single from 33-35, anyone my own age wouldn't go near me or were commitment phobes (yes, even in my early to thirties). I met DH at work where I wasn't so shy around men. The internet date I had was awful!

Summary of the book:
-You have to hang out in places where there are many men - like sports clubs (golf, cycling). If there are not many men in your place of work, change roles.
-You have to look the best you can.
-You have to be prepared to date people who don't look like Brad Pitt.
-Beware of stringers. People who won't commit.

It's probably worth having 3 separate plans, and not letting those plans be dependent on each other: You, Baby, DH

Serrapatase can be bought on amazon. In the scope of most of these supplements, it is not hugely expensive. Not sure if acupuncture helps. I had acupuncture of 8 months, no BFP, though I did have an undiagnosed thyroid issue at the time. I was taking clomid for 3 of those months, and my consultant was really pleased the my uterus had a good lining (he was expecting it to have thinned). Maybe that was the acupuncture.

Anyway, I really wish you the best of luck. I hope you manage to find a way to your dream.

xx

/links


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Hi deedee_spark

I think I will give that book - I don't agree that it is necessarily more difficult to find a man later on in life (maybe a little bit), but I personally know lots of people that met their future partner later in life (even if they had been previously married) and equally couples that separate later in life that have been together for 30 years (my own parents included)... I feel that book may paint are rather narrow and shallow argument about what some men are like (the ones I would prefer to avoid in any case since they may stray!)...  Playing to women's insecurities  .  A male friend told me he prefers slightly older women to younger because there is more to talk about! There are so many different 'types' of people out there and whilst looks are important initially that soon wears off. A person's personality and outlook on life often wins in the end  . I agree that you need to be where the men are though in order to be in with a chance.

So my plan is me - baby - and OH (hopefully the OH will come first, but if not I stick to my plans and get myself as healthy as possible (e.g. gym, mindfulness and having fun whilst still single)...have a couple of male friend if I need male company, but to be honest I don't need a man I just like male company and companionship (so yes, a relationship would be nice in that respect)...

I'm going to consult a homeopath (friend of my mum's) for a advice on treating blocked tubes and Serrapeptase...it's funny how you bounce back from feeling like c**P


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Both my parents met people in their 40s.  

So yes, prehaps best ignore. It helped me because I was being far too selective. But, I also think I got incredibly lucky. I would never have enjoyed meeting men at sports events. they wouldn't have been my type. 

xx


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Sports events not for me either. But, starting a gym programme next month with a fitness instructor, so might grow to like sport   ... If nothing else I hope it improves my mood and is a kid free zone (i.e. don't have to be reminded that I haven't got them whilst I'm in the gym since they're everywhere else   (the reminders that is)... Just need a space to go where I can feel normal for a while...


Good to to hear your parents met in their 40's... the age thing isn't really the problem for me if I think about it. I worry more about not having an attractive personality because I feel down about my situation. I know relationally that is a rubbish belief, but it's just how I feel at the moment... it will pass


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