# Doubting a colleague, does this sound right...



## WannaBeAMummy (Jun 29, 2008)

At the risk of sounding really heartless I really would like a second opinion n this...


A colleague has been ttc for almost a year and went home early last weds with a headache. Today was her first day back. She has said that between wednesday and saturday she had an early miscarriage, however, alot of what she said and the way she has acted today have unfortunately made me doubt her. Firstly on Weds she said she was 2 days late for her AF and that she was thinking about POAS, so she obvs had not started bleeding at that point, when she said she went to the dr because her bleeding was heavier than usual and he confirmed an early miscarriage i asked how he could be sure without a scan or blood test, she said he did blood tests, but would the NHS really do blood tests for a miscarriage that early? And would they have had the results by Friday? I didnt know at that point that on weds she had said she was 2 days late for AF and i asked if the dr said how many weeks pregnant she had been and she said 2. Would a dr say 2 weeks pregnant, or would they start from cd1 of her previous cycle, in which case he would say at least 4 weeks? 


Later she said she felt fine on saturday and went shopping and cooked dinner. And today she was smiling and happy and singing. She didnt once complain of stomach cramps which she usually does for her normal AF.


I know i sound really heartless and uncaring. I have never been pregnant so i know nothing of this and i could be completely wrong but something just feels odd about it and i hoped someone could put me right.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi

I can't say what really happened but does it matter?

Going through this journey sometimes it affects people differently. Some cycles if you don't get the result you want you cope OK even if you are disappointed. At other times it can feel like a bereavement even if you never had that much wanted BFP and you may feel devastated. Perhaps other times you think that BFN means that your dream of parenthood will never be fulfilled and it feels like a bereavement for what you hoped for and think will never happen. This journey can make you feel battered and bruised.

I say cut her some slack. Perhaps she got another BFN and just didn't feel she could cope with the usual humdrum of things for a couple of days and needed time. 

Unless she tells you you may never know. People cope differently with ttc at different times and have different coping strategies. Some people are able to breeze through it and are very philosophical. I had a friend who had 11 mc's but always took the approach if it was meant to be it would happen.

Hope you get to see your BFP. Good luck.  FF forums are always here to share your journey and answer any questions during IVF. xxx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi WannaBeAMummy

Whether or not your colleague has had a BFN or an early miscarriage...it affects us all differently.  I had a miscarriage in 2006 and it changed me as a person, physically, mentally and emotionally - but there again we had been ttc for 8 years so it was a complete and utter kick in the stomach - but there again work was a distraction for me - it's one good coping mechanism....

I really don;t know about the quick turnaround of blood tests, but I think this is irrelevant....because I was 12 weeks pregnant I needed hospital visits etc, if your colleague was only 4 weeks pregnant maximum, I don't suppose she would require much in the way of follow-up investigations anyway.

Hope this helps....but as I said, we all cope differently.

Best wishes
Sheila


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi there,

Yes her time-scale does sound reasonable. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday (about 1 week late), left work and went to A&E on the Wednesday with dreadful cramps. I had blood tests done that day, repeated on the Friday and the result phoned through to me on the Saturday to tell me that the hormone levels were dropping and I was losing the baby. When we got that call we were at my parents house a 1 1/2 hours drive away from home because I needed to try to be as normal as possible, even though I was in floods of tears. I miscarried on the Sunday and returned to work on the Monday .... and carried on as normal, telling no-one. This was the week before Xmas and I had to pretend that nothing had happened because my DH had lost his sister less than 3 months before and we didn't think that his Mum, BIL or nephew would be able to take more bad news.

So yes, she very might well be telling the truth and acting completely normally, but it doesn't mean that she isn't deeply upset - I still am 7 years later.

Caroline


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Lil Elivis

Sending my love to you. How difficult for you. (())

Delighted to see that you now have a darling daughter.

xx


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## WannaBeAMummy (Jun 29, 2008)

Hi all, thank you so much for your feedback.

I know I sound like a complete cow, please don't think too badly of me, I am going through the worst phase of not coping with my infertility at the moment and it was probably my psychological state causing me to doubt her. I guess that although I obvs am not jealous of her miscarriage, I am jealous that she has got closer to having a child than I ever have in 5.5 years ttc. Now I feel like she will probably get pregnant again very soon and I will have to watch someone else's pregnancy again and I will get left behind again.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Wannabeamummy

No need to apologise this ttc does funny / weird things with us and can knock us all for six. I took clomid and whilst taking it was pretty pleased at how sane I was after hearing how some people had bad moods with it. I was deluded I was a complete and utter moody insane cow whilst on it who took no prisoners. So sorry to all those around me at the time.

Your day will come. 

F xxx


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## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

I think you have answered your own question there hun  

It's far less about the details, but more about the confirmation that she can get pregnant and might do so again in the near future. Please don't beat yourself up - you can't help how you feel. She will never know how you were feeling, so no actual upset is being caused 'in real life'.

At a Xmas do last year, one of DH's work colleagues announced very casually in conversation that she had recently lost a baby at 8 weeks (DH must have told her about our m/c a year before, and possibly even our problems ttc since). She then went on to say how she had been 'gutted' when she found out she was pregnant as it hadn't been planned. She didn't want the baby...etc etc etc. I was literally speechless! I doubted that she had ever been pregnant and even found myself cynically thinking that she had just fancied a couple of weeks off work. What she was saying just didn't add up at all - surely nobody could be so completely not bothered about a miscarriage regardless of circumstances? She's now pregnant again at the same stage as I am - so she must have tried again right away. Clearly she was much more bothered than she was letting on. I still find her reaction odd, but as others have said, everyone reacts in different ways. 

Also, my SIL was always going on about 'having a baby soon' and whilst we were struggling to conceive I used to hope and pray that it didn't happen for them purely because I didn't think I could cope. That was very selfish indeed - but I didn't really wish them any misfortune and would have been thrilled for them. I just think it would have finished me off emotionally at that time. I mentally prepared myself for the impending announcement but aside from a 'pregnancy scare' it turns out that they hadn't even been trying!!!! They were very much of the 'if it happens' state of mind - but SIL is still on the pill!! Honestly!!  

What this did achieve was that I gradually got less angst-ridden at pregnancy announcements in general because nobody ever knows the history behind it. No matter what people say, nobody ever knows what is (or has been) going on behind the scenes. I learnt to stop worrying about what other people were doing and it was the best thing I ever did.

Sending


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

We have all been there - and how you're feeling is very sadly, very normal when you're faced with infertility.
My MIL works at a hospital and a pregnant 'lady' (I use that term in the loosest possible form) asked her where the abortion clinic was - she was smoking heavily and had a can of cheap cider down her jogging bottoms - other staff had to usher my Mother in Law away from battering this ungrateful excuse for a possible Mum to be....knowing full well we'd tried for years to get pregnant and recently suffered the trauma of miscarriage.

It's soo unfair, but it really is true, we're all different and all have different coping strategies.  Wishing you all the very very best for your upcoming treatment... 
Best wishes
Sheila


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## WannaBeAMummy (Jun 29, 2008)

I'm so grateful to you all for taking the time to reply. Your kind words have made me feel like I'm not a monster for having those thoughts.


Sometimes i feel like the infertility is my test and i am failing to cope with it, but after reading your replies i think i should not be so hard on myself sometimes. So thank you very much.


xx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

You're certainly not a monster, nor are you unusual in your feelings.  Best advice you could give yourself is to not be so hard on yourself.

FWIW, I have been in a situation where someone I thought had suffered a late term m/c - and whom offered me comfort when I m/c - I later found out had fabricated the whole thing. It made me feel quite sick.

I am a naturally suspicious / cynical person so I tend to go away and check facts before I assume things are as they seem to be. Another friend (more recently) I found myself doubting some of the stuff happening in her life. It's all a bit "you couldn't make it up". But the thing is, I know her well enough - and the people/events around her - to know it's all true and she really does have these things going on. But I _still_ find myself wondering.  It's just natural to question things. Sometimes the spotlight of infertility magnifies things to abnormal proportions. You just need to step back sometimes, and get perspective back.

C~x


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## One_Day (Jun 11, 2013)

Sheilaweb said:


> We have all been there - and how you're feeling is very sadly, very normal when you're faced with infertility.
> My MIL works at a hospital and a pregnant 'lady' (I use that term in the loosest possible form) asked her where the abortion clinic was - she was smoking heavily and had a can of cheap cider down her jogging bottoms - other staff had to usher my Mother in Law away from battering this ungrateful excuse for a possible Mum to be....knowing full well we'd tried for years to get pregnant and recently suffered the trauma of miscarriage.
> 
> It's soo unfair, but it really is true, we're all different and all have different coping strategies. Wishing you all the very very best for your upcoming treatment...
> ...


I find that to be one of the hardest things about infertility. I see so many people - who shouldn't be responsible for a goldfish, never mind children, or who really don't appreciate how lucky they are - taking parenthood for granted (e.g. our old 16 year old neighbour recently gave birth down the toilet as she didn't know she was pregnant and had been smoking, drinking and almost certainly worse, during the whole pregnancy), and yet people who would make wonderful parents really struggle year after year. It's just a kick in the teeth - and so unfair, especially on the poor kids being brought/dragged up by morons who should have been sterilized at birth. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's borne out of years of frustration....and living in Scotland lol


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