# lurker coming out to ask a question!



## Guest (Nov 25, 2007)

First I just want to say a big hello and thank you because (without you knowing it!) you’ve all been so helpful – I’ve been lurking on this board off and on for a while, and have gained so much information and helpful advice.

My H and I have been thinking about adoption for a while now, since finding out about his azoospermia a year ago.  After a lot of heartache – which I know you can all relate to – and a negative result in his PESA in the summer, we have explored our options and now feel strong and positive about starting a journey down the route of adoption.  We went to an information evening a couple of weeks ago, have contacted a few agencies, and decided which one we are going to send our initial enquiry to.

So, to my question… As well as reading this board I’ve lurked quite a bit on a major adoption website (maybe shouldn’t name it?!), and there seems to be quite a difference from this forum in people’s experience, and the balance of negative to positive stories.  While I know it’s helpful to read about the reality of adoption, and not go into it with rose-tinted glasses on, some of the stuff I’ve read on there has really frightened me, and the posters can sometimes sound like they wish they had never adopted.

I’m trying to tell myself that some forums can be self-selecting, in that people will post when they’re going through bad times, or they go on the board a lot because their particular circumstances mean they need that support. But I’m hoping that there *are* adoptive families out there who are happy and able to just get on with family life.

If we do manage to survive the adoption process and end up with a family I’m not expecting it to be plain sailing by any means – I’m aware that being a parent must be exhausting and frustrating at times, but I’m hoping there are positives too!!

Can any of you shed any light on this for me?  Those of you who have adopted, if you had known then what you know now, would you still do it?

Sorry this is such a long first post!  Looking forward to getting to know you all!!


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Cally

Welcome - glad you fel happy to psot and stop lurking.

I know what you mean about some plqaces showing the mega neg side of things, why dont you have a read through the adoption stories posted by some members on here

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=182.0

You will find that while going through the adoption process you will get told alot of the neg stories however this is to show you worst case senario and to show your commitment.

good luck and feel free to post/ask any questions you like

xxx


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hello, and welcome!!

just a quick note to say I know the site you mean, and my DH actually blocked me from accessing it because it was depressing and scaring me so much.     I'm only allowed back on it now that we are approved, and our experiences so far have all been positive.

I think the difference between FF and the other site is that FF is a group of people on a journey.  The other site strikes me as being mainly used by people in crisis.  I think the signature bits on FF contribute to this, you get to know people much easier.

Welcome again, and i hope your journey goes smoothly - there is lots of happy news around just now, and lots of others on the edge of the most exciting times of the lives!  

Bx


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## Guest (Nov 25, 2007)

Hi Boggy and MJ, thanks for the welcome and the replies!

Boggy, I think I may need to block myself from reading that site too much, like your DH did with you.  I don't want to be head-in-the-sand about it (and as MJ said, we wouldn't get away with that for long during the process, for good reason) but I don't want to have an unrealistically bleak picture either.

If couples who were about to start TTCing had to do a prep process during which they heard from lots of families where things hadn't gone well, I wonder how many would just stick with the contraceptives!!  

C xx


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

Hello Cally,

I know the site you mean and I do post on there a fair bit, but we are not having the idyllic adoption experience. I use the other site because their are people on there who have had and are having similar experiences to me. It is comforting for me to know that others are struggling or have struggled and are surviving with their family intact.

I recently spent a very depressing day with a bunch of 12 other adoptive families. All the other families were having a comparatively straightforward time with their adoptions and had not had to face any more or less issues with their children than if they had had birth children. I was *very much in the minority * with the experience we are having and whilst I'm obviously pleased to hear so many happy adoption stories it wasn't very helpful to me in our current situation.

I like your analogy about TTC. If most of us knew what lay ahead that day in the dim and distant past when we threw our contraceptive pills away, I wonder how many of us would have coped with that knowledge.

There are approx. 4,000 children placed for adoption every year. The vast majority of these children are under 4 years old. Disruption (when the adoption breaks down and the children go back into foster care) is approx 1 in 10 of the under 4 age group. Over 4 years of age the disruption rate is about 1 in 4.

Having said all of that there are still many positives within our family. Our children make us laugh so much, they are loving and kind, thoughtful, lively, engaging and gorgeous.

Some days are a great struggle and there has been times when I have thought that we will be a disruption statistic, but I have lots of willpower and committment as well as love and I think and hope that it will be enough to see us all through. So behind the negative stories there are positives too. You are also right in that people tend to post on the other site at the times of stress and crisis, I know I do. The days when everything is going fine I am too busy having fun with my kids.

Sanita


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Cally



Firsty, I think I know which site you're talking about. I occasionly browse it, but like you have found it very negative and so hardly use it.
I find that site very much "adopters" and this site "mums/prospective mums".

In answer to your question, YES!!!!! We certainly would do it again (and have done already). Adoption for us has answered our dreams and prayers of having a family. We are a normal  (ish!) family who get on with everyday life just like any other family in our street.

You will hear lots of negative stories and worse case scenerios during the process, these are to rule in those people who are committed and want to see that positive ending.

Whatever we all go through in this journey, the majority of us find the happy ever after, that let's face it, it's what we start this process to find.

Good luck in your journey,

 xx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

I think i know which site you mean too   i stay off there as it's so scary   i think that site tends to get used more for support when people are having difficulties and although there are some stories on there that are positive it can be very off putting to prospective adopters (hope i have worded that right) obviously we all need to be aware of the problems our children may face and even though my son was 14 weeks old when he came to live with us i do acept that in the future he may have some issues around how he came to be adopted.  Saying that we have had a very positive experience and we are now adding another bedroom (well hoping to) so that we can do it all again in a few years time  

pam xx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

YES I know that site as well.  This is a lovely site that gives help and support and tries to give you open opinions on how it actually is!!

Barbarella on here is a moderator for another site, you may want to PM her and ask her for the link to it!!
That is also another good site to join.

Love
Andrea
x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

well i think we all know which site you're talking about 
i too dont go on there much for the reasons others have given. i like the way Boggy has worded it, that FF is a journeying site whilst the other seems to be for when you hit a crisis.
I do feel the other site has many more people on it that adopted some years ago, whereas on here we are all relative newcomers and I often ponder (but not for too long!) that perhaps things are so positive here 
a) because many..prob most..of us have adopted fairly young children which means they have prob been removed from negative experiences at an early age before too much damage has occured, and therefore possibly have less 'problems' as a result 
and b) because most of our children are STILL relatively young they havent made sense of their loss and adoption issues which means that any associated 'problems' are yet to come! perhaps in 8 or 9 years time I'm going to be the one posting about a child with issues and begging for help 

kj x


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## Guest (Nov 25, 2007)

Wow! Thanks so much everyone for all the replies!

I was worried that I would be giving the impression that I want to keep my head in the clouds and not hear anything negative - thank you all for understanding!

Sanita, I'm sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you.  It really can't have helped being around families for whom things are going more smoothly (reading your post gave me flashbacks to sitting in a hospital waiting room for our infertility consultations, surrounded by beaming pregnant ladies waiting for scans - not the same as your situation I know, but that feeling of 'why me?' may be similar, and I know many FF members can relate, sadly).  It's great that there are websites around that provide support - I wouldn't question that for a minute.  I suppose it's a self-protection thing that makes me hope I'll never need that support (just like I knew about websites like this one when started TTC but always prayed we wouldn't have fertility difficulties)

It's actually quite funny though (sorry if that's insensitive) that everyone knows which site I mean!

Keemjay, your reason (b.) is something that worries me too - I think it's just as well we can't see into the future sometimes, we'd probably never leave the house!!! 

Thanks again for all the replies.  I'll probably be posting loads of daft questions but as time goes on will hopefully gain some wisdom (??!) I can offer in return.

C xx


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## BH (Aug 20, 2004)

I'm a newbie and HAVE NO IDEA what site you are talking about - but don't tell me!  I think I'd rather not know - I'll just stick with this one


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## danan (Nov 18, 2005)

Hello - I am sort of a newbie on here - since been to panel since I last posted.

You dont know what a relief it is to read that you feel the same about this site .  I was going to do a post about adopting an older child on there ie 4 plus (our max is 6)  but someone beat me to do it so thought wld not post and the negativity that she got was unbelieveable - it really freaked me out.  I know though perhaps these people have had bad experiences but it really scared me and thought all adoptiion was like this.  Sorry If i sound really selfish - I know also these people are trying to advise so we dont through what they did 

We have still decided though to go for an olderish child   and very excited. 

I might start a thread on here actually to see if anyone has adopted an older child - wld this be ok. 


Sanita - please dont think this is any critisim of you - I wish you luck for the future and I am very sorry you have had a had time. - and you sound like a lovely mommy 

Lol at the post re hubby stopping them going on - my hubby told me he will kill me if i give one more negative story lol (he dont mean it really)




Many thanks


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

just seen this thread.. though it would be handy being bumped up for any newbies .. as this site scared the hell out of me too and DH always can tell when i have been reading on it... i know its about balance and its a tough road to follow but sometimes we just need a little boost too not all negative

FF is great


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## Guest (Oct 15, 2009)

I actually use both sites but for different things and you are right the "atmosphere" is different.

We adopted a family of three and there are several multiple adopters on the other site which is useful for some situations, but I do filter the advice!  I also find it helpful to realise how fantastic our kids are and how well they have done to be so unscathed by their early experiences.  

In terms of would I have done it if I'd known
...probably not.  The first year was incredibly hard, not only was their behaviour extremely challenging but the huge personal change left me struggling with depression too and things nearly broke down on a number of occasions. 
...and definately yes.  The situation now over 18 months on is so different and we have a wonderful family of three amazing kids.  People told us that adopting three "older" kids with a traumatic early life, was unlikely to work, but we seem to be proving them wrong.  I feel incredibly blessed.  

I think it is important to go into adoption with your eyes open and prepared for hard work and sacrifices, and if you have an easier time, then fantastic.  After all you can't guarantee your birth chuildren either.

Bop


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

I use both sites and understand what many feel about the great difference in stories between the two.  I think it is very easy to come here after infertility and see adoption as a 'great way to get a baby'.  But as we know, it isn't like that.  For some of us we will face distruption following a very difficult placement, some of us will have children with attachment or bahaviour issues and some will have very few issues but adoption and grief will always be there. more people on the other site have children with mid - severe issues of one kind or another. 

However I know from personal experience that I would not have been able to fight for extra support for our DD without the other site (knowing what traits are common in adopted children and knowing what can be traits of FASD/ASD/RAD).  I would not have known about what can happen if you don't work hard at bonding attachment and I certainly wouldn't have  the good friends there that I have now (whom I also meet at AUK local and national events).

I use this site to share my 'joys' and the other site to get help with 'woes' due to the greater experience there - which isn't fair but I find it is the most helpful to me personally.


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

i use both sites too - mainly because we adopted 'hard to place' boys who have issues.......on the other site i can ask questions re the issues, have help on what benefits we can claim and generally see that others are in the same board.....

i post mainly on this site though - but cos i don't want to bore everyone with how tough things can get in our household i resevere that for the other site   

like magenta this works for me too 

ritz


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## popsi (Oct 11, 2007)

hiya

oh i can definatly see the other site being invaluable also.. i just wanted to bump it up a little for very newbies who went there first... as in early stages i think it can be frigtening, as you go through the process it becomes far less daunting to read about the obvious difficulties, we are approved now and know what ups and downs could lie ahead.. just didnt want anyone to be too scared.. after all (as our social worker keeps telling us !) us adopters are precious


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