# It's game over



## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Hi all,

BFN,  cramping, spotting,  14 days dpo, 12 dpt  .  In a way I am relieved the wait is over it was driving me nuts .  Only prob is DH and I don't know if we can go thru this again.

When do you call it a day?.


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Maybe,

It is not over yet honey. You have not tested yet and you have not got your full AF yet. I am on my 3rd 2WW and I feel your pain. I too am not very optamistic and really don't know if I can cope with this any more. Talk to us!  

Milly xx


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Hi Milly,

Definitely AF,  serious pain now and I did a test this morning to be sure BFN.  I have known since wed last week, when my boobs stopped hurting.  Before my one BFP my boobs were soo painful.  I have been trying to be positive since wed but I do honestly believe that we know our bodies and they do let you know what is happening.

We could keep borrowing money for treatment,  but it's not even about the money anymore,  it's about how physically and emotionally exhausting this is.  

The thing that worried me most this time was how could I tell my DH it hadn't worked again.  Everything was perfect on paper but I knew it wasn't happening.  I hardly spoke to him for days,  as I seeing him sad is the worst part. 

I pray that you get a BFP, as I don't think anyone should have to go thru this.


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Hi hun 

Have you contacted your clinic for advise ?  You know lots of ladies get cramping and some spotting/bleeding in 2ww & early pg.

I do know exactly how you're feeling though.  I'm in 2ww of 4th fresh IVF, although 6th if you count the 2 FETs as well.  It's sooooo hard and if I'm perfectly honest, I don't feel very optimistic as I'm getting niggling in my right temple which is how my hormonal migraines always start...and they're always a precursor to AF arriving (and have been on all my fresh cycles...the 2 FETs were chem pgs).  I'm currently 7dpt 5dt (we had 2x 5 day blastocysts).  Trying to hold on to some positivity as I do know there's no way of knowing what's going on but wondering how much more I can take this physically and emotionally.....so hun, you're not alone 

When's your "offical" test day...I'm due to test on Friday ?

Thinking of you...and sending positive thoughts your way  
Take care
Natasha


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Hi Minxy,

test day is Wed.  Tough thing/irony that was baby due date.  , so it all seemed karmic that we should get BFP to help deal with that.  

From your posts you seem an incredibly strong person to me and it says something about this process that it is beginning to wear you down also.  .  I will   that you get your deserved BFP.  I also get hormone headaches which again are surefire AF sign for me.  I do think all these extra aches and pains are insult to injury.  

I think DH and I need a bit of time and some fun, before we decide on whether we can do this again.

On my way home tonight I am going to stop and buy him a hamster called Rodney  ( no dog yet as we both work to far from home),  hopefully we will both chuckle and see a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Oh Maybe, Bless you. I had not realised that you had tested. I know how hard this is, especially when people like me say to hang onto that hope until test day. I know I have always known and just need to accept it. I think we all just one us all to be one of those women that test a couple of days early then get that beautiful BFP on test day. I really do feel for you honey.   I can never understand how and why life can be so cruel. Rodney, sounds like a perfect present.     

Minxy, I really hope that you are wrong. I wish you all the luck in the world for Friday. This is one long and difficult journey.    

I test on Saturday and really don't know where to turn after another BFN! 

Thinking of you both.

LOL,

Milly xx


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Good luck for Saturday Milly    

Us multiple cyclers will stick together 

Lotsa love
Natasha xxxx


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Milly and Natasha I will keep my fingers crossed for you this week.  I would love to see a BFP posted from one of us.

I do realise in many ways I am very lucky,  my brother is being made redundant and has offered to pay for a cycle from his redundancy.  I am very blessed with such a supportive family and wonderful DH.  I am counting my blessings but would like to have one more.

Good luck everyone.

    x


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Hi maybe,

Bless your brother. That is so wonderful of him. Will you change clinics? 

My problem is that despite my age I am a terrible responder. We only got 3 eggs this time and only two fertilised!

Milly xx


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Hi Milly,

I am not sure what changing clinics would achieve.  They have finally worked out I need cetrotide to stop early ov and collection at 32hrs.  I am a slow/poor responder,  I had 6 follies this time 5 mature eggs 4 embies,  2 grade 1 and 2 a reasonable grade but unlikely to survive thawing  ( last time only 2 follies which ruptured).  The more drugs I take the less I respond.  A bit like putting jet fuel in a ford fiesta,  it really is still only going to 70mph,  so for me less is more. So it is a bit of a softly softly approach.  

I have had the immune blood tests done and used clexane just in case that caused the miscarriage.  SEFC has had a lot of success and to be fair they are the ones who achieved my pg.

I am beginning to think it is me,  before I always thought all we need is to to get the sperm and egg together,  now I am worried it is more than that.


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Gosh Maybe, you sound like me. (Although your clinic sounds great, very supportive) When I was on 150 menopur, we got 9 follies and 5 eggs (two grade 1, 8 cells and like you the rest were not bad but not good enough to freeze). Second cycle (short protocol), 225 Menopur 8 follies, 4 eggs, two good one remaining two not good enough to freeze again. This time we went for 375Menopur, only 6 follies, 3 eggs but only two fertilised and they were not great!Have you been following a short protocol? What meds have you been on? 

I have not had immunes yet, my clinic do not believe in anything other than basic protocols and menopur! We just thought we had male factor problems and it is only now the I too am starting to think I may have a problem too. We are moving so I have to change clinic anyway. My current clinic have said, 3 failures, not a good responder=donor eggs! Wow, this really was a shock!  

It would be lovely to stay in touch.

Milly xx


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Hi Milly,

We do sound very similar. 

before this cycle my clinic had begun to murmur concerns over egg quality and fsh levels etc.  But this  cycle put all that to rest.  We have MF,  hubby had mumps,  and his counts can be all over the shop,  so ICSI is way forward.

NHS was long protocol,  long down reg with suprecur,  and 375 menopur I had 8 follies which ruptured before ec.  I am still fuming as consultant at bridge didn't check before hand,  knocked me out found 1 tiny 12mm follie took the egg and called that my go!!!!.  Everyone knows a 12mm follie isn't mature.  Git. 


Then a flash protocol at SEFC 300 puregon,  only 5 follies .  As they weren't convinced I was a poor responder they downgraded to IUI,  now they know 5 would have been good  .  Success from 1.8 mill swimmers,  then loss.

Another flash  (short) protocol  450 menopur  2 follies which ruptured.

This time the pill for about 6 weeks, then started stimming from day 2 af, and cetrotide to stop release. Much better success.  Although I guess BFN isn't success.

Maybe long protocol would suit you better to.  

Would love to stay in touch.


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Maybe,

Wow!    Poor you. 

It's heartbreaking that you miscarried but you know that you can get pregnant and you have finally worked out the right protocol for you. As hard as it is at the moment you still have so much hope.      What dose were you on this time?

My DF had a complicated medical history as a child. His life was saved but the damage was irreversible. I have had him on every supplement and vitamin suggested but this has not improved the mobility, count or morphology at all . He can't drink and has never smoked so we don't have much hope other than ICSI! 

Hang in there honey. I know that your heart is breaking at the moment but there is still so much hope!  

Milly xx


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

oops got doses wrong,  first was 400 puregon,  up to 450 this time was 300 with no increases.

I stopped hubby drinking for a year no difference,  marilyn glenville vits,  the whole nine yards.  With my 2 ruptured follies they did an IUI again just in case that time we washed down to 700,000 swimmers!.  Funny thing is no one has ever said we have MF,  I think they all assume we know,  but on a letter to our GP they put in black and white.  Clinics,  they are a law unto themselves.

I am going to send you sooooo many     for this weekend.

Strange thing on motility our consultant is quite forward thinking and suggests an espresso before "providing a sample" .  He thinks it wakes them up.  No caffeine the rest of the time but then go ahead!!!


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Thanks for the    and the tip on the espresso. Maybe I should make him have one every time we have BMS   . He never drinks caffeine so maybe this could be the wake up call the injured little swimmer need .

I'll let you know!  

Milly xx


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## allycat (Apr 13, 2008)

I tested yesturday and it didn't happen for me either.  I feel your pain. Be strong


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Hi Allycat,

I am so sorry. If it help I really do know what you are going through. Was this your first cycle? Will you go again or are you just too raw to think about it?  

Maybe, how are you?   I really hope that you and your DH have hugged, cried and are starting to move on (although I know that it is very early days)   

Minxy, are you still there. Good luck for tomorrow honey.   How are you feeling? I feel very negative and even tested with a First Response You Can use me 6 days early. It was A BFN. I know that this can change and I pray to God it does but I feel just the same as before. It is getting much harder to pick myself up. My life is ruled by supplements, the perfect diet, acupuncture appointments, not drinking, not doing anything extravagant as we need to pay for treatment and quite honestly I don't know if I can face it. However, i can't face never being a mum either!  

I really hope that you have the optimism that I am lacking. I appreciate that your journey has been even harder and I admire your strength.  

Milly xx


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Milly, nooooooo,  you naughty pee stick tester.  I will keep positive that this changes for you. .
We are so much in the same place mentally.  It has been 4 days now and I just feel so exhausted,  I am having one of the heaviest bleeds ever (blaming clexane) and can't face doing this again.  I can't talk about it or I cry,  so I am trying to pretend this isn't happening,  but AF is an ugly reminder it is.  We are going to take a break I think,  and if we can face it try in OCT.  

However on the moving on side, I bought the cutest hamster on Monday and hubby really  ,  and that made me feel so much better.  I am also trying to persuade hubby to move to a house where we could have 2 dogs.  I feel like I need a plan that could be a reality.  We have been trying to ttc without a break for 4 years, we have gone from plan A to Z.  I would like a plan that might actually happen.


Allycat I am so sorry for you  .  If I had a magic wand I would make sure no-one would go through this.

Minxy I haven't seen a post from you  I hope this means you are still in the game.

Love to all

Maybe


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Well, I have started spotting and have done two tests today and both are negative. I knew that this was coming after my test a couple of days ago but it still breaks my heart. I feel, lost, confused and with the added stress of not selling the house, starting a new job, not knowing where to live, I feel completely overwhelmed. My heart has broken and I just don't know where to turn.                


So, tomorrow I will mostly be drowning my sorrows ready to prepare myself to go back to work with a brave face. It is so hard going into a school and being surrounded by the one thing that you want more than anything in the world. 

Maybe the Hamster sounds lovely. We have a house rabbit as we can't get a dog because of the hours we work! How are you today?    

Emily xx


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## maybe (Feb 10, 2006)

Hi emily,

I have pm'd you.  Going to school, are you a teacher?.  I can't imagine how difficult that is.  The guy who sits opposite me isn't in today.  His wife has gone into labour and every is so excited for him and full of baby chat.  All attention is on the girl who sits next to me as she goes on maternity in 2 months. I don't think even if someone tried they could come up with a worse place for me to be right now.

Give yourself and Dh some time,  choose one plan and try and see that through.  

What is your bunny called?.  Hamster is squinky.


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Hi Maybe,

Yes I am a teacher but it sound like you have not got it easy either. I send a big  .

The rabbit is called Daisy. She is so cute. She has the run of the house am gets up to all sorts of mischief.

I have sent you a PM too.

LOL, 

Milly xx


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