# Hello - I'm approved but new here



## CaramelShortbread (Jan 27, 2013)

Hi everyone 

I hope it's ok to join you over here - DH and I were approved to adopt back at the beginning of July and I've lurked A LOT but never posted. You've all been really helpful while we were going through the process, so thank you!  

I'm de-lurking for a bit of advice as we go through matching, and I've found a couple of the other adoption forums can be a bit ... erm ... sanctimonious about these things, but it doesn't seem to be like that over here!

So ... since approval we've seen two profiles, both happy and healthy, been with FCs since birth, good attachments, great. 

So far we haven't been able to take things further due to ongoing legal situations, but now one of the little ones SW wants to come and see us next week. 

Our dilemma is this ... we've already had LOs CPR/DVD/photo for a month. No issues we don't feel able to handle, and just gorgeous!! But, at 20 months already, she's already older than we would have liked. We're also now well into October with Christmas looming, and I guess they're likely to say that placement won't be until the new year, by which time she'll be nearly 2. In our minds there's a huge difference between seeing details of a 19 month old, and bringing home a 2 year old - to the point where we feel we might say no if it can't happen this year and hold out for a younger one.

Would we be mad to pass over an otherwise perfect little one, just because she's a bit older than we wanted?? Do we need to have a word with ourselves?  Does anyone think there's the remotest chance of placement this side of Christmas? 

Thanks for any advice and sorry for the off load. It's a tricky old road, this adoption malarkey, isn't it?!


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## Marley49 (Mar 4, 2013)

Hey 

We have recently seen the CPR of a child and they are hoping to get him home before Christmas, so I guess it's going to have to be a question you ask your sw... 

Age is such a personal dilema, we were matched initially with a 19 month old, that fell through and then we were matched with a 7 month old. I can honestly say that I'm glad we have been matched with a younger one.

Do whatever you feel is best.

Xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi,
I would have thought it was highly unlikely that LO would come home before Christmas if you're just at meeting sw stage....
If you really want to go  younger then you should really follow your heart, regretting your decision once LO is home is not fair on any one  
Don't feel rushed into accepting a child just because you've waited a while (easy to say I know!)

Good luck
CS x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Really tricky one but I have to agree that you must go with your heart. If your heart says younger then I guess you're back to the waiting game. It would be horrible to go ahead and subconsciously hold any kind of resentment or the feeling that you made the wrong choice. Is the other little one younger? Do you think that's why you're holding back? Placement and timescales is definitely worth an ask but I'm thinking January earliest too. Really feel for you, good luck making your decision. And welcome to the boards


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

You need to go with your heart.

We've adopted twice. A 2yr old and a 9 month old. There was a massive difference between the 2 and having the younger one has really brought home just how much our eldest missed out on. Of course we wouldn't change things and the placement was right. However our eldest never showed any signs of regression and didn't want to be babied in anyway. He wouldn't even sit in a pushchair no matter how tired he was.

If you want to have the baby bit then maybe this lo isn't for you. They are tough decisions to make but you'll make the right one for you.


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## CaramelShortbread (Jan 27, 2013)

Thanks so much everyone.  

You're right, we need to work out how important having some of the baby stage is to us, vs the postives of adopting a toddler.  We would know so much more about how they're developing for a start.  And do we really need that baby stage enough to put ourselves through an indefinite wait to get it? It's been hard enough so far.

Lolly, yes the other one is six months younger - however there is no PO for her yet, and a lot of resistance from the birth family, so there's every chance she'll be the same age by the time we get there!

I thought we would know when we saw 'the one' - but in reality we just don't know. I'm scared to say no in case we regret it later, but scared to say yes in case we end up feeling we should have waited.  Just keep thinking at least we do have a choice - this little girl doesn't. 

I know we're all in the same boat here, so sorry for the vent - it helps to write it down


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Excellent handle, op!

So I think you really have it- how important is the baby stage and what about it is important? Remember, a lot of toddlers regress when placed and the therapeutic parenting/attachment building model advises "baby" activities to develop a bond/attachment. So the things you need to experience you may experience anyway.

If you want to hold out for an under two year old and feel it would just not fulfil you to parent from toddler age then stick to your guns. As you said, you may well have to wait. Assuming you are seeking a match with a healthy, white baby there are always adopters waiting and many matches are competitive. However, it does happen, I met a wonderful adoptive daddy today whose son was placed at 10 months. Other friends had a bub placed at 12 months. This is all within the last six months.

Re "the one", some people feel that way but some don't. My son's profile was the first to which I felt a real connection but it wasn't until I heard that his sw wanted us that I felt the real wave of certainty. We were considering other matches and there were other children we felt drawn to. Now I know we simply could not have got it more right, but not everyone falls in love so quickly and I didn't have "the one" feeling.

One more thing to bear in mind is whether bm is likely to have more. This may sound callous but where bm has more and no changes have been made, POs are granted much more quickly. Our son is the fifth and his PO was granted at three months old. Subsequent siblings are sometimes placed on a FTA basis where you are parenting one. I am not saying you should choose a child on the basis you may later get your hands on their baby sibling but it is something to bear in mind! 

Good luck x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I think it's really unfair showing you profiles of children without placement orders. It happened to my friend and they fell for this little one. Placement order was a sure thing and while it did finally get granted and they became a family, it wasn't before court got adjourned 3 times, months ticked by and lots of tears were shed. Anyway, I digress...! Have you made any decisions about whether you will meet with SW?


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## CaramelShortbread (Jan 27, 2013)

Thanks BarbadosGirl ... I think it is the just the idea that a baby would bond with us easier and vice versa, not that we desperately need to see the first steps/hear first words etc.  It would be nice, but the more we talk about it the more we're realising we don't have our hearts set on it. And as you say - we might still get some of this experiences.

We're going to go ahead with the meeting - age aside, we are both feeling a draw towards this little one, I think we'd be mad not to discuss it. She really is a little star.

I'll let you know how it goes 

Thanks again for the friendly ears and advice! xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Good luck  
We were shown a sibling pair that were slightly older than we wanted and I don't know what it was but my heart just felt heavy and my stomach felt all wrong. We said no to them which was hard.  
Now we have potential link that are only slightly younger, so I don't think its age related, but these just feel better. I think it's good to let our hearts guide us. 
If you feel good about it then I'm so glad you are pursuing this further. 
For me 20 months is a lovely age, my niece was placed at that age and seemed very Young and baby like. Wasn't particularly regressing, just a young age. 
But like others said, if it feels wrong, it's possibly better to wait. But if it feels right, then fantastic!!!  

Wishing you all the very best xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

All sounding very positive and exciting, good luck and please keep us posted


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## CaramelShortbread (Jan 27, 2013)

Hi all

Just checking in with a little update, having met with the SWs!

Even before the meeting we both were feeling more and more positive, we talked about having the baby stage and realised it was more because we thought bonding would be so much easier for us all, than us needing to parent at that age, if you see what I mean. 

As soon as we sat down and talked about little one all of that seemed really silly and insignificant beside how perfect this little girl is for us and vice versa.  She is  amazing  

There's even a small chance we might meet her this year, if we can organise panel in time - certainly the SWs are keen to try. But if not we are happy to wait!

Funny how quickly we've gone from discussing if the link is right to praying it doesn't go wrong  

Can't tell you how much help it has been to get my thoughts out if my head to people who understand - thanks everyone!


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

What a lovely update, good luck!


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

It's all sounding really positive, hope all goes well for you


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Brilliant update!


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