# IVF or egg donation - last minute doubts



## Tarana (Dec 12, 2019)

Dear all

I will be 41 this summer and have had 4 IVF cycles. The first one was successful but ended in ectopic with none left to freeze. In the second attempt, again I had two blasts but both were PGS abnormal. For our third attempt, we moved countriees so used a different clinic. The clinic used a different protocol to first two which ended in a total fertilization failure. The fourth one with PICSI resulted in 5 embryos but only 2 viable ones or blasts which failed (I didnt PGS test these embryos). 

Its a combination of premature ovarian failure and male fertility. Going forward, we are all set to go with an egg donor in London and have already chosen our egg donor and undergone counselling. However, in the meantime, I have had a followup with my previous IVF clinic and they mentioned that statistically I have an average or slightly higher than average chance for my age for making blasts but at the same time the chance of having a genetic normal embryo at this stage is small i.e .1/3 or less. I have started this journey with IVF at 38 and I really want to have a family but at the same time, just as I made the decision regarding our egg donor, I suddenly  started mourning the ending of any chances of having our own genetic child. I didn't even realise that I had these feelings until I finally chose the egg donor.

In the long run it won't make a difference, the priority for me is to have a child (whether using donated eggs or mine). But, just as I thought I had a firm decision regarding  egg donation, a slight doubt has crept in as to whether to try for IVF one more time given the consultation I have had with my previous IVF clinic (egg donation one based at different clinic). Although not insurmountable, it will have financial implications for us if we were to go for more than one cycle.

My husband is happy with whatever I choose. I just wanted to share my thoughts with the group as lot of you might have gone through similar decision making process, and would like to hear your thoughts and stories, and also have a safe space to just vent. 

Apologies if this is not right forum for this post.


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

Hi Tarana 

Welcome! 

I hear you. From my signature, you can see i have biological children. However, in 2018, we undertook a double donor cycle due to my age, perimenopause, and his issues. I was so ready to move onto any way necessary to have another child. In January 2019, we welcomed our baby boy to the family. I  can tell you from the other side, I dont regret this decision we took for a single second.  

You have to go with whatever feels right and also what your finances can afford. And then take a leap of faith. I'm sure you will come to a decision that is right for you. 

Good luck on your journey. 

Jdm


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi Tarana

You feelings are totally normal, I had 5 own egg rounds of IVF which were all unsuccessful, zero implantation,  I did manage to get pregnant naturally 3 times and lost them all to chromosomes and or immunes on top. When I found a donor match I totally panicked and wondered if I was making a mistake (I was 38 ) 

i took a leaf of faith and this cycle was successful and resulted in my daughter. It was the right decision for me and I don' regret it. I sometimes look back and wonder if I should have tried some more with my own eggs but I don't think the end result would have resulted in any success due to my multiple health issues.

i know this probably hasn't helped but I think what you are feeling is completely normal 

Good luck x


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## Besidetheseaside (Nov 11, 2015)

Hi Tarana

I had 6 own egg cycles, a miscarriage and I really struggled to move to donor eggs. I felt pregnant at the second donor egg cycle. 
When I was pregnant with our twins I then started to grieve for my own genetic and I it was hard for me to be happy. 
I was too scared that I'd lose them and I was scared if I would love them like I'd love my own egg children. 
After they were born they put them in my arms and I can't tell you how much love I felt for them. I cried for days that I was so worried during my pregnancy and that I didn't love them as much as they would have deserved during my pregnancy. 
I felt so guilty 
Our babies are perfect and I know that I wouldn't love my genetic children more than I love our babies. My love to them grows even day but I have to admit that it makes me sometimes sad that they are not 100% mine and that I can't change that ever. Not for me though, I just want them to grow up as normal and happy as possible and I'm a bit worried that they may feel that they are different than other children. 
I have never regretted it, I just wished we would have made this decision earlier, we spent so many years and money on own egg cycles with so little hope.
But I guess it's not for everyone, I'd definitely recommend counselling until there are no doubts left for you and your partner. 
Good luck!


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## snowdropwood (Jan 24, 2016)

hi, i was 42 / 43 when last year did 4 OE ivf cycles with donor sperm as single so older than you but everyone is different anyway in that respect  - i considered /. jumped between/ changed my mind towards the end of IVF , the 4th one I had to be very assertive with the clinic to have , and eventually after 4 they would not treat me with own eggs any more anyway as the stats were much lower than yours.  I guess the decision to use DE was a process/ joined the DCN, found podcasts, books, interviews/ clinic counsellor etc all helped me with the grieving and finding peace  - i started DD in March, then cancelled with the Clovid 19 shut down and just starting again atm with DD IVF so just starting this part of the journey. There was not a precise moment I made the transition, nor was it black and white or without doubts, anyway this is just a bit a bit of my decision making in recent times, bestest wishes onwards with your decisions x


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## Tarana (Dec 12, 2019)

So just an update. I reflected a lot and decided to go with egg donation. For me the genetic factor is not as important and I am looking forward to start the next stage in our reproductive journey whether it be filled with dissapointments or not


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

@Tarana - that's great! Fingers crossed x


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