# lack of supportive network



## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Just wanted to ask, if you don't have much of a supportive network close by will this be a major problem with wanting to adopt?
We only really know our next door neighbours, we know 2 other neighbours but they are elderly. Apart from this I have one friend but not a close friend but she has only met me not my DH and other than that it's our parents, we have both sets but they do not live near to us. (Both are 2.5hr drive away) Will this be an issue?


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

To be honest that could be a problem. Parents being far away shouldn't be an issue, ours are 2 hours and 4 hours away, but your support network does sound very small.  We have been in our current location for about 5 years so don't know that many people but have made friends with a few couples. We don't know them that well but  still put them down. We know lots of other people elsewhere in the country. I think you need to think of ways to  increase your network, people at work maybe or join local groups. Certainly if you present your support network as you have here it won't go down well. Also you will need at least 3 references  from people that know you well.  We had my sister in law, an old friend of my husband who also knows me and an old family friend of mine.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I think Snapdragons advice is great. You can build a local support network - it doesn't need to be people who will do things for you but you do need to be able to lean on them/seek support. Have a think about who else you can build as a couple - are there any shared interests you have that you can join a club together and meet others like you?

Other ways to build a local support is think about family centred groups and once you are set on the adoption path youcan look into local adoption groups (ours has a dads only group who meet a couple of times a year). Other things are looking into some volunteer work with children to build on your knowledge and techniques for looking after children especially challenging behaviour.

HTH x


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thankyou. This is what I worry about. I volunteer to help with Brownies. It's difficult for us to do anything together as DH works night and I work days and because of our financial situation that we are trying to get out of. I work 7 days a week and DH works 5-7nights a week so we don't do anything together at the moment. We don't really have many friends at all, we have lived here 5years but we always work. I work from home so don't have work colleagues that I see but do have work colleagues that I can get in touch with ie, phone or internet. We don't have any mutual friends either as we don't go out, too busy trying to work to sort out finances. This is really hard. There's so many things we need to get sorted before I will attempt to apply for adoption it's just never ending.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi billybeans,

That's a tough set up too. Are there any other work options that maybe you could do together ie rather than current jobs, some p/t work then you could see each other as well?

Or even when you have a few days holiday leave you could arrange to do something that is seasonal /children related.

What about a book club or similar for you when DH working. I find that men over a certain age don't make new friends very easily. They seem to be good at the segregation of work colleagues and old time friends especially when us women generally are the chatty ones. You may find that you meet a few new friends and over time can maybe make couple activities for others to know you well.

If DH working nights then he might be better placed to see about assisting children to read in schools or similar (normally 1 hour a fortnight) that way he can focus on a ref that would cover some if how he is with children.

Your support network can change once you have children and I've found with adoption I do like to have a few other adopters that weren't in my support network before panel. I would say focus on make longer term friends that may support you in future and look for opportunities that may present with adoption in mind.

X


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Regarding the references we needed to have 3, one a family member but the other two had to be non-family who have known us both for at least 5 years.
Luckily we managed, but I don't know whether you'll be able to find anyone that covers the criteria?


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

We have been asked for 6 referees plus 2 employer references so 8 in total.
Only 2 of those can be family members, others have to be friends that know us well and who can also say what type of parents we would be. They ideally want people who live close by as they have told us they will travel within the local area to visit the homes of the referees and interview them face to face!!   

Have you thought about next door neighbours? or your brownies leader? 

Sunflower x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I am a Brownie and Rainbow leader and I put one of the other leaders as a reference and as part of my support group and she really did turn out to be supportive - she came to see us when little boy had to go to hospital!

Some of my support group were people I can ring up and ask for advice. One was a neighbour, who I work with but didn't know that well, but who had children so we told her about our plans (and living in a similar house she sold us a gadget to block off our banisters).

I also put one of the email groups I'm on (for overseas adopters). I'm not sure my social worker got it so I didn't dare put the boards I'm on!


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## baby0684 (May 20, 2012)

Have you already enquired or are you just seeing what you need to do?

in regards to support network, as others have said, as a couple you need to have at least 1 reference that can vouch for you as a couple. I think the minimum time for them to have known you both is about 2 years.
You also need to have at 2 other referees each (depending on agency). 1 can be family.

What hobbies do you enjoy? Golf, sewing, reading?etc Could you join a local group and make some friends?

Are you self employed? Or do you work for a company? If a company could you do 1 day a week in office?


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks everyone,

Feeling a bit low that I need to sort so much out that will take years and I am ready mentally now. 
Baby - I am employed but it's complicated we work for an advice line and all my colleagues are home based we are scattered all over the uk and the head office is just for the admin staff and is in a different country, so going to the office would be pointless and it's not within distance anyway, it's a bit of a unique set up.
Because of our finances I decided to get another job so I now have 2 jobs, 1 is temp until Feb as I knew we needed to get our finances sorted out so I do have colleagues there but I will not be there after Feb. Due to working a lot and a lot of my hours are long and into the evening, apart from Brownies I don't have any hobbies, it's catch 22 isn't it, I'm trying to do right to sort finances out but then that is hindering another part that I need to get sorted, I'm feeling frustrated to say the least. I havn't enquired yet as I know all this is likely to be a problem and I can't face more knockback I want to know I am physically ready to go ahead.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh Billybeans, I just wanted to send you some massive    It sounds such a difficult situation, and you and hubs are doing all you can to sort yourselves financially.  Big credit to you lovely.  The support network does seem a bit of a stumbling block, but I wonder if after your second job finishes next year and you are in a more stable position money wise whether you could branch out a little and join some groups, volunteer etc.  there are so many hoops we all have to jump through and it is so hard.  We also researched what was available for children within our local area so that we could evidence possible future support networks, eg, the local children's centre.  Again, big big virtual   coming your way xxxxx


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks Lolly, I appreciate your input, just having some hugs and appreciation that we really are trying is a big help. Before I started this 2nd job I volunteered in a nursery and I asked if I can go back and they said I could so will probably get back in touch with them again in the new year, it's all the waiting around isn't it, I have already been waiting 7years to become a mummy and the time just seems endless.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi billy, also remember that you may find you get to build a support network from your prep group and other training you may go on.  We went on a prep group and a parenting course and have made loads of new friends which increased our support network loads.  We had to supply 6 personal references and one from each employer and we did struggle with that.  Not all of these personal references have children so don't worry to much if they haven't. It's just nice if they have and you have looked after them.


 Good luck with your journey


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

It doesn't help with the references but we're part of your support network now 
Gettina


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

MacGyver and Gettina, Very good points, Thankyou. Thinking in more detail I probably have more people than I thought but only our neighbours and parents that know us as a couple. I have my cousins who live an hour away and one of those cousins has/is fostering and although we have known each other all our lives we are not that close. I probably havn't seen them for 3-4years .
Keep trying to arrange meet ups but busy lives.......


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