# Warning: Self pity overdose



## aissha (Nov 3, 2009)

I guess like a lot of post-ers here, I just want to let it all out and hope I somehow do not feel so desolate anymore. I have been TTC for about 4 years now and just dont feel any closer than when I started - except that I now understand so much more that its just really soul destroying because there seems to be no doctor who can actually succeed with a cycle to end in a BFP.

I am on my third hospital trying to get a doctor who is actually focussed on me and what I need to get a cycle to work. Last week I got my BFN after a fresh IVF and although I have frosties from this also (4), I feel like I have frittered away the ones from my previous fresh cycle (2 left from that). What is the point of trying again when  no amount of crazy additions (have have viagra and G-CSF to no avail) or doctors even professors, who sit their for your first consultant and arrogantly say it will not be a problem to get me pregnant and then I am the one whose heart breaks at the Not Pregnant on the HPT....

Sorry I know I am rambling and its probably not making sense - and not even making me feel better to let it all out.

I also have lost one of my main supports, a friend who lives in australia, but we used to chat all the time on google, she was trying to get pregnant, she was there every step of the way with me, we really relied on each other, she was on the verge of starting IVF - even though the doctors found nothing wrong - when she found out she was pregnant. now she has her beautiful daughter and has time to post on ** with pics and all things about her super life and she seems to have forgotten that I am still stuck where she once was when she needed support.

(also missed out on a promotion and rejected for a job i applied for)

my dh is away with work at the moment, so I dont have anyone to talk to, I tried to talk to my mum but burst into tears and she really didnt know what to do with me - except remind me that there are lots of people worse off than me.

 
just wish for once it didnt have to be so hard, things seem to fall into other peoples laps, so why not me, just once? I keep trying to figure what I have done wrong to deserve all of this heartache.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

massive hug!


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## LauraHC (Mar 14, 2012)

Ah, Aissha, that's awful. 

I feel the same and I'm only on my 1st BFN from IVF (although have LOTS of experience with IUI / Clomid etc... joy.) My cycle was 'textbook perfect' until I got my stupid period 2 days ago. Now I just feel like I am existing for the sake of it and that if that cycle doesn't work, what will. 

the problem is that no one who isn't going through this can ever really 'get it' and they are always going to say the wrong thing. Your mum was probably trying to be helpful. Mine keeps telling me to relax - errrr if it was just a case of relaxing, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't need IVF would I?! Although she has been great this time and has told me to have no expectations for the next cycle, which is probably good advice. 

Anyway, this whole thing is SO unfair and SO awful and you have to be kind to yourself - it's a silent grief which noone can see but it's there and it's valid for you too feel like absolute poo. I know I do and I know it won't get any easier either, which is the hard part. Unless I miraculously manage to get pregnant  

If you ever want to vent you can do so to me - I understand. As does everyone else on here. 

Laura xx


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## stelpo (Jan 3, 2012)

Hi Ladies

I think I could have written all your posts.......

I had BFN end March after 1st ICSI, though longstanding IF issues going back nearly 20 years (was single for 10 years in the middle!) Ex-DH left me just before IVF in 1998 and easily got someone else pg with his super swimmers! Every test I have had has come back normal, it just doesn't work. Now with new DP, we felt we had to give it a couple of years, just in case me & ex were bad mix, eventually looked into it and he has severe MF issues, hey ho, ICSI is the only way forward.....

So now, ICSI went well, good response, 8 eggs ( not bad for an old bird!) 5 fertilised normally, 3 good to transfer, but BFN, with full AF only 8dp3dt.

Now waiting to see about one last cycle, at a new clinic with better success rates for old birds, but I just can't get any enthusiasm up for it, totally negative attitude which is completely different from last time, full of doubt about whether changing clinic is the right way to go after reasonable results last time...until BFN   Both clinics slagging each other and their techniques off......why isnt there a straightforward answer about WHY it doesn't work. Just fed up.

Sorry, and thank you for reading my rant!

S x


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## aissha (Nov 3, 2009)

Stelpo, Laura and gold bunny, honestly thank you     

I didnt realise that empathy is so powerful, i really feel so much less lost and alone now than when I wrote... we are all in a   situation and thats it...

Stelpo, I am having the same misgivings about changing clinic... had an appointment this morning about doing a FET cycle but they are just suggesting the same course of action as the previous hospital.... i guess i will give them this cycle to see if they actually pull it out of the bag, but what are the chances...

I hugely appreciate your messages girls and hope someday we can all look back on this as just  a little blip (When we first moved to holland I could not find work here, so I commuted to England for nearly 3 years week in week out and that seemed like a torture that was never going to end, once I got my job here, the last five years with my DH have just flown by and the memories of that time - including a year living with my mother in law - dont seem so bad...) 

 to everyone


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## Magnusi (Nov 28, 2011)

Hi Aisha

I just had to message you as we were cycling at the same time if you recall and you had previously advised me on lining issues..... I have just seen that you got your result last week.  I'm so sorry it was a BFN. 
Me too sadly . 
Whilst I felt absolutely heart broken last week I have been waking up almost surprised that the dark cloud seems to have moved on this week and so I am plodding ahead with the 'what next?'. I know it must be so hard to now be on 4th cycle and I really admire you for keeping going but it really sounds like you are getting closer(afterall you have great success with fertilisation?). 
I have spent the last week and a half since BFN researching what possible problems we may now have and I have in the last week decided I have hidden chlamydia, Asherman's, poor eggs, poor sperm, high fragmentation......and the list goes on!!!  So I am thinking yes we will go again but I think I definietly need a break to curb my hyperchondriasm!(sp?!)
(Although I try not to make too much of a big thing of the 'break' as hubby will just see that as an open invitation to drink more and I am always thinking about his little men!!!)

It sounds like you have come really far with the lining issues and need to find someone who will explore what hasn't been investigated to date perhaps (ie doppler testing as you suggested). I feel like I am at the beginning of a big mountain with lining issues and fear that it may only be the result of another future failure that will force the doctors to pay the required attention to this issue at a later date.
I have been reading Agate's information with great interest and her page on Serum and they really sound good. Have you already tried them?
Good luck my lovely. 
xxxxx


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## nancec (Jul 12, 2011)

Hi ladies,

it's pants. big fat bridget jones stinky pants. I had my ET at the end of April and was on the 2WW blog but suddenly just had a feeling it was pointless. then a few days later I had a bleed, then found out for definate it's a BFN. That was nearly 2 weeks ago, I never came back on here since I started feeling it hadn't worked. Anyway, not sure if it's just sinking in yet or not - not even the fact that it's BFN but the fact that we've just been through the cycle, if that makes any sense.

Got an app in for FET in July, or at least to discuss what happens this time. to be honest half of me just wants to get started again but the other half just wants to curl up in a ball   
my cousin has just had a baby about an hour ago too. I so want to be happy for them and not feel so selfish! But I think it's just hit me that I really had hoped I'd be a few weeks pregnant by now. Egg retreival - fab 16 eggs, fertilization - fab 12 fertilized, they said putting the wee blighter back went great and he was graded 7 out of 8 - so what do I do next time?? Hope for an 8 out of 8 and see if that makes a difference?! How you ladies that have been through it more than once cope amazes me, I really do admire you.

sorry aissha - shall we have a competition to see who has the most self pity? I think I'd win today..... usually I can tell myself to snap out of down days but this is starting to hurt  

On a brighter note - where abouts in Holland are you? I commuted between there and Scotland for 2 years and lived there for a year 100%. We lived in Leiden and absolutely loved it. Considered moving back over there at one point too.

LauraHC - yip, I think my mum and dad just don't want to mention it probably for fear of saying the wrong thing. can't blame them - I'd probably be the same in there shoes. DH has been great, but we've just bought a business so he's working a lot which probably isnt helping my dwelling.....

Magnusi - perhaps this is my dark cloud week and next week I can be at the 'what next' phase with you too  

Stelpo - rant away. if you've just read all this then feel free to rant a bit more to even it up! clinics critisizing you isn't what you need - there are enough decisions to be made without making it harder! 

Here's to the return of a positive attitude soon.....  
xxxxx


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## stelpo (Jan 3, 2012)

Holland is a popular place, I lived in Bergen, near Alkmaar for 2 years! 

Thank you all for your replies, it helps so much to let off steam without being judged doesn't it?

PMA to all

S x


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## Cheekochoo (Apr 5, 2012)

Hello Ladies, You have the right to self pity, I too am sat here tears streaming as I write, Its my first cycle and 2ww is almost over but have had BFN and bleed which continues, like you said earlier, you just know when it hasnt worked. I just want to drown my sorrows in a big fat glass of wine but a small glimmer remains that I have not carried out HPT on date as stipulated by clinic.  I will call them tomorrow but I doubt I will get anywhere. Its a a very lonely journey despite supportive friends and family, and I too worry about returning to work. Work have put me on redundancy and the last thing i can think of as helpful is returning to work to not only put a brave face on about treatment not working but also about losing my job. Looking for a big hole to crawl under but i find chatting with you ladies really helpful. Don't ever feel bad for feeling sorry, it is our right, i think we have earned it. Big hugs to all and I hope things become a little easier day by day for each of us.


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## Selzi (Apr 25, 2012)

Hi ladies,

I know how you all feel. It was my OTD today and it's a BFN, although that wasn't really a surprise as I tested on Friday and yesterday and had BFN's also. AF started yesterday, but I have had brown/dark blood discharge since Tuesday, which I was deluding myself into believing was very late implantation until I tested on Friday and got my BFN. This is my first cycle and I have never had a BFP in my life, so it's all new to me and I really had no clue what to expect. I was really devastated yesterday but just feel numb today. It doesn't help that my clinic don't let you ring them until after 1.30pm on the day of testing to discuss the result, so I have all these questions swimming around in my head and have to wait until this afternoon before I can get them out! This process is a never ending waiting game, even when you get a BFN you still have to wait and wait and wait, it's torture!

I was hoping that they might tell me today that I could just get on and start another cycle, but reading posts from other ladies on here, it seems that most people have to wait 2 months before they can start another cycle. I really don't want to have to have to wait that long in limbo and just want to get on with it! I'm so impatient! Lol

Anyway, sending big hugs to you all      . I feel your pain and just   that we all get the result we are hoping for one day.

Sel Xxxx


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## Sarah1712 (Mar 6, 2011)

Hi all, i share your frustrations in that we cycled at supposedly one of the top clinics in UK who gave us 70% success rate which was amazing and said they would have no problem with us but they just messed it all up. Down regs was slow and they eventually realised that i needed the injectable version and then i had a dominant follicle the list goes on. So no wonder the eggs were poor quality and dh bless him had far from perfect sperm. This was last november, then my sister in law gave birth to my niece on my birthday, december 17th and i felt my world was going to fall apart. I went to see her the next day to try and force myself to overcome the heart ache. Never have got over it just have to plod on.
For us now it feels as if if a top clinic cant get us pregnant who left us in all this debt then how on earth is the NHS going to be successful. We are on the waiting list now, first app next week but we have a long way to go, i have 3/4 stone to lose so its going to be a bit of a wait.

I also had immune tx i.e steroids, baby aspirin and clexane plus a IVIG during tx which i dont think the nhs provide this!!

Sarah x


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