# Introducing our child to extended family - any advice?



## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, 
We are still going through our adoption assessment. Hoping to go to panel in March/April time. 
I am looking for some guidance or advice from yourselves or any recommended reading. My DH and I have a close extended family on both sides which is wonderful. My sister's partner is my brother in-law and they had a beautiful baby boy last week. I am a very proud aunty and I was with my sister for the birth. My nephew is the first grandson on my side of the family. It has brought back some grief for my DH and I, which we did expect. I am also asking myself so many questions on how we are going to introduce our adopted child to the extended family as it is going to be so different to how my nephew is being celebrated. I am already worrying for my child. How is my child going to feel when my nephew is likely to get told how much he looks like his Dad. I know I am jumping ahead with this. Part of me feels like moving away however we need our family and our child will have wonderful cousins to grow up with. 
Does anyone have any advise on this or recommended reading? I have so much and so many emotions running around my head at the moment. 
Thank you


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## AJ-Coops (Jun 10, 2006)

Hi,

The only advice I have is my own experience.  We adopted a 10mth boy just over 3yrs ago and like you we have a very close extended family.  We all ready had nieces on both sides, so suddenly bringing in this little person was quite daunting.  If your family is anything like mine, they were all so excited and couldn't wait to meet our DS - we actually had to hold them back a bit, in order to slowly introduce him.  As you are going through the HS, they will re-iterate to you the importance of the  child knowing that you and DH are the new primary carers and to start building attachments/bonding before you even think about introducing the child to anyone else.  It was realy frustrating for us, as we just wanted to show him off, but looking back now, it certainly paid off to wait a bit and bide your time.  The most important thing is your new family and it is only a short time, considering that they are now with you for life, so family can wait.  Ours fully understood and now our DS is so loved by all our family members and they just love spending time with him - you would not know that he wasn't a birth child.  

With regards to people comparing looks etc, to be honest this is hard as we will never know what "our child" would of looked like, but in the great sceme of things, this is minimal compared to actually being a parent.  You will get the odd comment, but as our DS has got older, our personality traits have transferred to him and so many people have said that he is so like us know - hopefully the good traits   

As you know each child/family is different and apart from anything, it if wasn't for the great support of our family, our DS wouldn't of settled into our family as well as he has.  When you have a family you come to realise the importance of "support network".

Good luck with your journey - it really is worth it   

Kind Regards
Coops


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Coops, Thank you so much for your reply. That has made me feel so much more positive. 
It is hard to know where to turn to sometimes when everyone around me is having babies through natural birth. My sister has been a wonderful support. We are very close which is why I was with her for the birth of my nephew. I need to focus on our journey, our way. 
We are very close to our family and they have been a wonderful support and are very excited. I will keep hold of your advise and may contact you in the future. 
Thanks again for sharing your story. It sounds like you have a wonderful family.


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## AJ-Coops (Jun 10, 2006)

So glad you feel positive and like you said keep thinking about your journey - a family will happen for you!!!  Anytime you want to PM me - I really like to share our experience, as it has been very positive.  Am quite scared for the second, as it's a different ball game, with introducing another child to our DS........scared but in a good way   .

All the best
Coops

ps. I recently too was with my sister when she gave birth and even though it was magical, I really don't feel I am missing out.....too painful


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you, I would like to PM you. I haven't done that on hear yet but I am sure I will work it out. 
I wish you all the luck with your second child. It will be scary but like you say in a good way. Wonderful for your little boy to have a brother or sister. 
Yes, I agree it was amazing to be with my sister, I certainly did not wish to be in her position   
Good to stay in touch. thank you


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

firslty theres a BAAF book..'related by adoption' which you can hand about to family for some reading   secondly does your LA have anything for extended family? our LA have a family and friends session for people to listen to people who have become granparents/aunties etc via adoption and to learn how it all works..how its wonderful but different, and why they might have to give you space even tho they might be desperate to visit etc..
my mum is hopefully going to be one of the speakers at one of these session and we've talked a little about what she'll say. our children were the first (and so far only!) grandchildren so there was much excitement..i honestly dont think there could have been any more for a birth child! I did have worries at points tho that they wouldnt accept our children or bond with them, or feel put out that we said we wouldnt be sharing their background story (my mum was a bit shocked at that at first but she understood why) everyone has honestly treated our children as if they were our birth children, they have been as loved and very much wanted by everyone as much as they were wanted by us. my mum says she couldnt imagine us having any other children and they are her grandchildren and that is that  

do you have any particular concerns that they might not accept your adopted child, has anyone said anything negative? maybe ask your parents if they have any worries about it all..perhaps they want to ask things and dont know how to? i hyped up the arrival of our first (it was a rocky road to getting her home) by framing up a couple of prints from the foster carer, wrapping them up and giving them to my mum and sis..along the bottom of the picture i put a little note saying 'will you be my grandma/auntie'    and they got first 'look' at her in the park after we had been placed. 

hope that helps

kj x


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