# 'Child Free and Loving it' - Your Views



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls
After completing the 'child free and loving it' book. I don't know about you, but i am really beginning to question alot of things about having babies/children...
Reading this book has been a real eye opener for me...
I went for a swim today and there are lots of children in the swimming pool, with their parents. As much as there are some lovely children and i do not doubt that. I have never really thought about the whole implications of being a parent and the ins and outs of it all...
I walked in the park yesterday and i saw families out and i had mixed feelings there. I had to question whether i have now got it in me to walk around the park and keep a child occupied?
I am beginning to like my own space....
I am aware that there is a part of my life that is missing, but i do not want to spend the next how many years feeling so sad about it..Its not easy and there will be up and down days....but isn't there, even when you are parents...
Does anyone else recognise or feel any changes since reading this book? that has thrown a different light on being childless.?
Ta. Love Astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Astrid,

... well, you finally finished it did you?  It sounds like it has completely empowered you a wee bit?  A bit like you feel as if you're getting some control back at last?  That's fantastic!!!!

I think it's great that you've been given the opportunity to look at things from a new angle, it can only get better now I think.  Of course, you'll still have your bad days, but I agree, people with kids also have difficult times and bad days.  i can appreciate where you're coming from about liking your own space/ long-lies / hangovers etc etc etc!!!  

I must order this book. I keep forgetting.

Like you say, it would be good to get some of the other girls' views on this one.

Good for you Astrid!!  Well done on keeping positive!!  
Love Gill xo


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I still haven't got round to reading this book yet, but am glad it has helped you to see things in a different way, and its been healing for you Astrid.

That's what its all about isn't it - healing, learning to live with things in your own way, and its not always easy... so good for you mate!

Lots of love
Emcee x


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## ks123 (Nov 27, 2005)

Hi Astrid

I finished reading the book on Saturday and feel much better too. It doesn't stop my wanting a child, just eases it quite a bit. It's helped me put a lot of things into perspective and made it a bit easier to see families with kids. What has also been good was looking after my friend's 11 and 12 year old for two days. I am exhausted and don't know how she copes! 

The book has also left me questioning a lot of things about having babies/children like 'why do I want one' and are they really the 'bee all and end all of life'? The book will probably be something I'll pull out and read bits of when I'm feeling like it's all getting on top of me again.

In some ways I've got quite militant about children now in that one point from the book was that most times it's the parents, not the children who cause us childfree/less people to feel the way we do. Just because we don't conform to the 'expected norm', other people with children tend to behave insensitively towards us. (I might have got that message wrong in the book, but it was an interpretation that I got.)

Is that how you are now feeling?

Love
Katherine


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Havent read it yet either- must get a copy. Glad it seems to have helped those who have read it xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Good post Astrid.  I can relate pretty much entirely to your sentiments.  I don’t think that the book will win any awards for outstanding literacy or cogency but I thought it very effectively challenged the wider pressures that encourage people to only focus on the upsides of parenting and for the last few weeks I’ve started to see not only the really cute kids with their designer parents but the really, really badly behaved ones with their super-stressed out Mothers doing battle in the Debenhams café; the kids are screaming and the mother is at breaking point and I have to be honest, it doesn’t look that appealing to me anymore.

For me the book was a reality check as it focused the obvious: having kids isn’t all A grade exam results, picnics in the new people carrier and some sort of guarantee of company until I pop my clogs.  Following reading the book I’ve been very gently probing a few friends on this subject and I find the responses quite interesting. A couple of them have actually said don’t do it, if you enjoy what you’ve got don’t even think about it.  Before I would have thought “that’s easy for you to say”, now I’m thinking that maybe they’re just being brutally honest (with themselves as well as me). Yes they love their kids and they wouldn’t be without them but yes it can also be mind numbingly dull, thankless and hard work.  

If asked if it’s changed my life I’d say no, it hasn’t but it has reminded me that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and that for me the solution is to be very, very realisitc about just what it is I'm missing out on (or conversly what I'm gaining) and not to allow myself (and those around me) to undermine or question what I have because it's a life without children.

As an aside, I've just asked my elderly office housekeeper what she's doing for Easter and she said she'd kept it free just in case any of her 5 children and their families asked her over and as of a few minutes ago not one of them had. Her disappointment and upset was tangible.  

flipper


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Thanks Flipper, wow that was really interesting  ....... it certainly makes you wonder if there are as many "rewards" with having children as we all imagine .......  and that's really sad.  That poor woman -she must've been really hurt and disappointed.

I'll definitely be buying this book!

Thanks and love to all
Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Flipper and Girls
I have to agree with what Gill has just said, what an interesting post you have written and very honest.
I think you have hit the nail on the head when you indentified whether this book has changed our lives..The answer is  'no it hasn't'. I agree with you there, but it has got me and maybe yourselves to look at the wider picture of bringing a child into the world.
You mentioned about exploring this area with friends and colleagues about having children. I have also broached the subject with people that i am close to. As you say maybe a few years ago, we would have taken some of the answers very personally. But its a good step forward, when you can question all apsects of parenthood. I also think it takes alot of guts for people to say 'it ain't what it is cracked up to be'. Although there are many out there, that beleive its the best thing that has happened in their lives..and thats where i suppose it hurts and sends you back to square one...but hey not for long anymore thank goodness!!.
I envy the fact that couples have made the choice not to have children, or to have children and they have got that request. Whereas, i think the hard thing for us is that the choice was taken away from us in the  first place. So that is why we are faced with a whole lot of soul searching and its good that a book, can actually get us to start thinking in a different light.
The question i am battling with is my need to have a child vs becoming a parent. They are two different things and after reading this book the penny has dropped. As much as it hurts that i will not expereince having a child. I am not sure that i want to become a parent, because my only one real desire for a long time was to get pregnant. This became an obsession and i became lost in it all. Now all I am left with, is questioning all what is good in my life. Thats a good thing because i am sure there are alot of people out there,that would not beable to face the realities that we have to face....So honestly i think that gives good depth of character and a better understanding of the joys in life..
I suppose it comes with time. But hey what a great book, it has helped me to look at life from all angles not just through rose coloured glasses.. ..
thanks astridxx


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## YorkshireSue (Jan 26, 2006)

I can't remember what I was watching but there was an interview on telly not long ago with a Mum who had 2 teenage daughters and she was painfully honest about it all. 

She said they frustrate and disappoint her every day and after a combined 75 hours of labour - this is the result: two miserbale, rude, sullen girls who thanked her for nothing and showed her no affection whatsoever.

I was quite taken aback by her frankness but it made me think! I was a nightmare when I was a teenager, I must have caused my Mum some major headaches!!

I'm definitely gonna hunt that book down!


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

I will have to buy this book.  Sometimes me and DH look at each other  knowing what each other is thinking when we visit friends with babies/children and when we leave in the car we are thankful to come home to peace.


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