# Advice on how to help a friend who's just had a negative cycle



## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi all,

Having had a successful cycle almost two years ago now, I was recently asked to contact a friend of a friend who was about to commence treatment and wanted someone to talk to.  I got in touch with her and stayed in touch throughout her cycle.  She got a negative result recently, and as this was her one and only chance, I just feel so bad for her.  As my own outcome was different, I don't really know what type of thing to say/do - I felt fine giving advice throughout, but now am at a bit of a loss.  Because it's an issue I feel so personally about and have had lots of experience of others being insensitive, I really want to say something that might help, and send her some wee thing to let her know I'm thinking about her.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks!


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## danceintherain (Apr 16, 2013)

Hi Irishflower

I think all you can do is send her a message explaining that you're there for her if she needs anything. 

Unfortunately I had a similar experience, from your friend's perspective. My last remaining childless friend and I both underwent ivf at the same time. (Actually it was her first cycle and my fourth). She is now 8 months pregnant. She is a lovely person but nothing she can say could make feel better about my situation. We keep in touch by text every now and again but of course everything is different now. She has kept her distance which I appreciate. She has never said anything insensitive. What helps is knowing that she understands all the mixed feelings and resentment that come with infertility and ivf - most of my other friends just don't get it. 

Oh, and my sister in law sent me some flowers with a card after my last failed cycle which was nice.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

That's such a wonderful and caring post Irishflower, really heart warming that you would care so much to ask  

Danceintherain is right, there really is nothing that you can say to her to take away her pain.  The most amazing thing that you can do is just to be a true friend, to listen, to invite her to open her heart and rant or cry if she needs to and to just agree that it isn't blooming fair.

Sending a card or flowers is such a lovely thing to do as well (how lovely was that of your SIL danceintherain).  It doesn't matter what it is, a text, chocolate, flowers, just a kind word, sometimes you just need to know that you have a friend who understands that the worst possible thing has just happened to you and it won't get better and won't go away.

People react so strangely to these situations (from over identifying which can be just as painful if they haven't been through the same thing to completely ignoring).  It's grief though and like any other grief it needs an outlet and love to get through.

I just want to say thank you for being a good friend to her.  I wish that there were more people like you out there x


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2014)

Hi I agree with Molly, that's such a lovely thing to ask    I'm sure the main thing is telling the friend that you care and are around in case she ever needs you. Flowers or chocs sound nice too. It's hard to take the pain away but if more people thought about how they'd feel in a similar situation, things would be easier Im sure xx


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, this is all very helpful 

K x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

the best things my friends do for me is just listen and acknowledge my feelings; allow me to have my illogical rants and breakdowns and just listen. there's nothing to be done in these situations but be a presence as its the loneliness that can be the catalyst for not being able to cope with the pain.
my friends completely get me through the bad days and that way i'm able to stay strong for DH who doesn't really have a support network like me - he just has me.

ive had a bad couple of weeks with PG announcements mixed with side effects from drugs and had a bit of a breakdown the weekend - Monday one of my friends came round with cake and chocolates and just let me talk - yesterday was a good day and the first ive had in a while


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

I'm glad you had a good day yesterday Haydan   The only complication with my scenario is she's not even in the same country as me - I'm in Ireland and she's in England!  She's a friend of a friend who I've never even met.  Much as I'd love to be able to check in on her if she lived nearby, it's just not possible.  

K


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

how do you usually communicate?
i say in this situation pick an invasive method such as text or ******** message etc so that she doesn't have to 'get into' hows she's feeling there and then if she doesn't want but knows your thinking of her and she can rant to you if needed.

i rarely feel up to talking face to face or over the phone because when im having those bad days i just keep crying - so texts or messages are really good for me - i can have the conversation or let off the steam of how i'm feeling without the embarrassment of people seeing me cry so im sure this could help your friend.

as others have said its just listening and being that presence of support. you don't have to try to come up with the solution as it doesn't exist - she's got to go through the pain and allow herself to feel it and talk about it to be able to come out the other side and continue forward with what options are available to her - whatever they maybe.

does she know about this site - or other similar sites where she could get support? - you could always talk to her about that?

s simple "thinking of you" message always helps me


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

Thanks Haydan - usually by text.  I completely understand your logic in preferring that method on a particularly bad day - it can all be on your terms then.

I have told her about this site and how valuable I found it before, during and after treatment.  She hasn't mentioned if she's ever used it though.

thanks again,

k x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

it sounds like your doing all you can do - im sure she benefits just knowing you are there for her. i hope shes doing ok.


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