# When to tell work



## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Just wondered what people's thoughts are on this. We're currently in stage 1 and all being well will be moving to stage two in late April/early may. I've only been in my current job 6 months and haven't told a soul there yet. I've used annual leave for any appointments so far but I think when it comes to stage two I'll want to ask my manager about flexi-time or special leave options. It's awkward because I feel I haven't been there long and although I expect him to be good about it I'm not sure it'll be an easy conversation. I think the uncertainty makes it very strange. Obviously it'll be at least a year or maybe two before I am taking any leave but I feel once I out myself I might not be viewed as permanent in the way I am now (and I know there is a possible promotion coming up in six months or so that I'd like to remain on the radar for). I'm also wondering about when to tell my team. We're a small team and get on well and I'm a bit uncomfortable about being evasive about things (told a colleague today that the three days annual leave for the prep course next week were for writing up research!). But I am also enjoying having work as a space where I don't think about this stuff. I had supervisors know so much about my personal life during treatment and it didn't do much for my professional ego. Also I think that once I tell people I will have to field questions and misunderstandings about what's involved. Would love to hear others experiences.


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Hi Ciacox,

Think you are going to get lots of different responses on this subject as everyone if so different in their circumstances, how open they are and relationships at work. For me personally, I didn't tell a soul at work about treatment and only told HR we were exploring adoption as needed a work reference. HR were great and actually said they wouldn't tell my boss and actually gave the example 'you wouldn't tell your boss you were trying for a baby you'd wait til you were 12weeks plus pregnant' so no need to tell your boss until you actually have any news as, as you say it could be months or even years. I'm a very private person at work and keep personal and life work very separate and didn't actually end up telling my boss til we were linked with our LO as didn't want to be judge in terms of work, not being around etc. This worked for me but wouldn't work for everyone! By reading your post it come across as you being reluctant to tell work and one thing I would say 'once you open your mouth and tell people you can't undo it' so don't do it til your ready. 

Re time off re stage 2 - talk to your SW as our was so flexible and did some of our meetings at weekends (her choice more than ours), but also I have a very flexible job so didn't need to take time off for home study sessions. You also might want to check out your Adoption policy as it might state when you need to tell work your plans. Good luck in your decision and journey. X


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi we both told our work near the beginning as we got paid time off for the appointments. I think it depends how much ur comfortable of them knowing at the stage ur at.

Michelle


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

We had to tell our employers very early on as we had to have employer references so it was a must. Our SW asked lots of questions about adoption leave, if our employers were supportive etc


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

I'm a teacher & before Feb half term informed HR that we were considering adoption but it was v early stages & they wouldn't even speak to me before conducting some very basic background checks  (ie checking I worked where I said I did). 
We're likely to finish stage 1 (informally, medicals are likely to hold us up) over the Easter holiday & I know that I need to leave work at 2.30 (to be home for 3.30) to make it home for my SW meetings, therefore I felt it was fair to say something this side of the holiday than wait until I got back.

I can't tell you how anxious I was; negotiating ivf appointments had me feeling at my lowest, like I had to bare my soul to the least empathetic woman (head teacher) known to man... My meeting couldn't have gone better!! I met with he who told me all appointments would be treated as ante natal, was given a copy of the adoption policy (which i had read, but not printed out), and when he said she'd have to inform the Head (new Head as of September) - said she expected he'd be very supportive given he's just adopted a 2 & 4yr old himself! He was apparently out of school one day last week picking up the very final paperwork giving him & his wife full parental responsibility!

I appreciate your concern revolves largely around time served in your current job, but you may get a pleasant surprise


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## kimmieb (May 9, 2013)

I told my work right from the beginning and they have been fantastic! 

I start work 30 mins early every day to gain lieu time - so every 15 days I get a days leave...I haven't had to use a single days annual leave for adoption stuff! 

Also, it worked brilliantly as for volunteer work I helped at a nursery which is during my normal working hours - so, I did 8-10 at the nursery every Thursday and then went to work 1030-1900 (I work in a 24hour office) so I still did my normal hours just slightly later in the day! And I also helped at a Rainbow's group so worked my lunch break on a Tuesday so I could get to the group for 5  

So supportive through all the ups and downs - it also meant that if I was having a particularly down day following a failed link they were super supportive!!

I was very lucky that they had somebody go through the adoption process just before I joined so they understood some of it...

I was only temporary and when I had a potential foster to adopt that would have meant me leaving within 2 weeks my manager worked her butt off to get me my permanent contract so that I could get the full adoption leave and pay and come back  

I think I have been super lucky!!


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