# Failed 1st ivf DH against trying again



## bobbythedog (Nov 5, 2016)

I turned 40 during our 1st cycle.  Our issue is DH turned out to be a CF carrier so we had to have icsi it didn't work and that was put down to sperm quality but the Dr also said that due to my age they are not dealing with optimal quality eggs she said if we try again the recommendation is donor sperm and eggs.  With my eggs and donor sperm we have up to 30% chance of a successful outcome.
DH doesn't want to try again he said we may as well adopt.  At first I didn't want to go down this route but after I got over the shock I thought if it's the only way I would do it.  He is adement not to and says look how upset you were when it failed what will it be like if it failed again. He has also said he doesn't want some other man's baby.

I can't make him see that I have to live the rest of my life wondering what if ? To me adoption is a last resort, I want to be pregnant and carry our baby.  But he doesn't understand this.

We had a counselling session and she mentioned donor embryos which I was very interested in but we ran out of time.  Even the councellor asked him what the difference was between adoption and using donor goods which I don't think he really answered.  
I know he is upset it became clear how upset he was about the failure at the counselling session. And I understand he thinks he is protecting me.  BUT  there are times when this is all  consuming I can't think of anything else and I feel I can't go on and other times I manage to put it out my mind and try to be normal.

Has anyone else been in this situation?  Does anyone have any advice anything that may convince him??

Thanks


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## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

Hi bobbythedog,

So sorry to hear you have had a failed cycle.

We have had failed cycles, but I haven't been in your situation where my DH said no more, so whilst I understand the pain you're in, I don't have the exact same experience.

Anyway, I just wanted to say perhaps give it some time before making a decision, and talk, talk and talk some more. It sounds as if your husband is trying to protect himself from further heartache, but the reality is, even if you decide to opt for adoption, that's not a guaranteed / painless process.  

There are many threads on here about sperm donors. I'm not sure how receptive your husband would be to this, but it might help him to read some of those threads to get his head around the idea of sperm donation.  The same for you with egg donation.  He says he doesn't want 'some other man's baby', but that's true of adoption also. Ultimately using donors or adopting, the babies/children are yours, as you're the ones loving and nurturing them.  That's what i believe in any case - I know you agree, and your aim is to get your husband to open up to this too. 

Sadly ivf often takes several attempts and it's hard to keep picking yourself up to try again.  You need to consider emotions and finances (and possibly age) and make a plan moving forward.  But as I said there is no rush and it's better to come to a mutual decision about how you're going to complete your family. From the sounds of it your husband is suffering and probably needs time to gather his thoughts, so for now, just be there for each other.

I'm sure what I've said is of no help at all, but there are lots of people on here who understand and are here for you both. I hope you find a solution xxx


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## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

Although slightly different situation after my second failed cycle I too considered it doesn't make sense to continue with this heartache and maybe we should try adopting. I am in a same sex relationship but my wife can't carry, not without a significant impact on her health, so it's really all back to me and I felt I can't do it anymore. I know if I would have say this it, I am not doing it she would have supported me but probably regret it later on. 
What made me reconsider was: 
1 I would have really crushed my wife's dreams of having a baby, a newborn, experience all the phases. Be honest with your husband and say why is so important for you to experience pregnancy, childbirth and a newborn.
2 whoever thinks adoption is a easy one clearly doesn't know how hard the process is. Ask your husband to research into it and he'll find out that adoption too, involves waiting, crushed expectations and heartache. We obviously didn't start anything yet but I've read and looked into it, I guess depends on where you live as well but it's not an easy alternative bottom line.
3 First time success is not as often as one thinks, just because it failed first time it doesn't mean the second time won't be successful, it's a hard process but I signed for it knowing very well that it might happen. Maybe your husband needs to read that ivf does work but sometimes you need to try a few times, it's normal, it's very hard and can lead to depression but so are other things in life, life in general is not easy. That's what I am saying to myself anyway.


Give it time anyway, you're both grieving and is not a good time to make definitive decisions.


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## r4chy74 (Mar 6, 2015)

Hi Bobthedog

I am so sorry you've had a failed cycle, sending you big hugs  

This is a really hard one, that only you and your hubby can work out together.  During the long fertility road sometimes people forget about the men.  Everyone is worried about what the woman is going through and they forget that it can be equally as hard for the blokes  

I thought I would try to give you a little hope.  I was in my early 30's when we started on the long road and I (naively) assumed it would work straight away as I didn't have any known fertility problems. My hubby had a vasectomy, so I thought it would be a straight forward 'transportation' problem.  Anyway I have had 5 rounds of IVF here in the UK (1 cycle I donated my eggs, so didn't actually have an ET) resulting in 1 BPF (which turned into a blighted ovum) and 3 BFN's.  The couple that I donated my eggs to went on the have a lg.  I thought my chances of having a child were over when we were emotionally and financially exhausted.  Unfortunately the strain on our relationship was unbearable and we parted ways.

Move on 5 years and I got remarried to a guy I was engaged to 21 years earlier!!!  It turned out that he too had a vasectomy (I did know this before we were married).  We spent thousands having 2 reversals which didn't work!  We then looked at sperm retrieval, but during routine testing of both of us it was discovered that I had a low amh - I was 41 by this time.

Fast forward several months I found a clinic abroad that I was recommended and our journey turned a corner.  Due to our age and the length of time my hubby had had his vasectomy, to give us the best chance of becoming parents, we decided to go for double donor (or embryo adoption as it is sometimes called).  The treatment I received abroad was, in my opinion, far greater than any treatment I received in the UK. We were really lucky!  We got a bfp on our first attempt and my lg is now 1!!! 

We didn't tell many people that we had used dd. I did tell my Mum and she was really worried that I would have trouble bonding with my lg.  Well I can 100% honestly say that this was definitely NOT a problem.  Both me AND my hubby love her to bits and if ANYONE tried to tell us that she wasn't ours then they would get it!

If I am truly honest I was a little worried hubby wouldn't bond with her. I knew I would bond with her because I would be 'growing' her and giving birth to her, but I was nervous about what hubby would really feel.  Well all I can say is that fear dissolved as soon I saw him holding his daughter.

I know each person is different and your hubby may have a totally different outlook on life, so only you as a couple can decide what is right for you.  If it would help your hubby, I am sure my hubby would be happy to have a chat with him, if he would like to get another blokes opinion.

Sending you big   and   to get you through this difficult time.
Rach xx


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## BB41 (Nov 16, 2016)

Hi, I do feel your pain. I've had 1 failed attempt and I'm in my 40's so I know the odds of success are low. I understand why you feel the need to carry a child but I understand your husbands point of view too. For myself I have pretty much decided that adoption will be the next step if ivf doesn't work (I have paid for 3 cycles) because I don't feel donor would be right for me. And I also don't want to go on spending massive amounts of money we don't have with no guarantees. That's just me butJust wanted to say that his feelings are valid too and perhaps you could both do some more research. I attended an adoption info evening recently and it made me realise many of my preconceptions were wrong. Maybe you could go along to one and also with your husband find out more about donor conceived children (donor conception network). I think it's important to consider the potential child's needs as well as your own and also whats best for you as a couple. I know the overriding need for a baby so I sympathise but consider the whole picture too. You say what's the difference from adoption but he could make the same point. Give yourself and him some time. Maybe you need another try with your own eggs first? I think sometimes clinics sell the idea of donor as the next logical step without consideration of the emotional impact. It is different from having a genetic child and its a big decision. Good luck whatever you decide. X


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## bobbythedog (Nov 5, 2016)

Thank you all for your kind replies sorry I haven't been back sooner DH has had flu and now my poor dad 87 also is ill  
I will look into the pre adoption meetings as that I think will help very much and may help DH realise adoption is no easy option or convince me I want to do that.

Thanks Rach for offering your hubby to talk with DH hopefully DH will want to one day but I can't see it happening soon unfortunately.

Thank you all again I will let you know how things go when we get my dad sorted. X


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## Syd72 (Sep 15, 2016)

Hi bobbythedog.  

I'm not in the same position as you and haven't read through all the comments so apologies if I'm repeating something someone else has said.

I went through my first round of IVF in January, the month I turned 45, it failed.  I would happily try again but my other half doesn't want to.  I'm not even sure why to be honest, for us it's covered by health insurance so no money issues and, as we live abroad, his sample is frozen at the clinic here in the UK so he wouldn't have to do anything next time!  I think it's maybe that his desire for another child (he has one by a previous marriage, I have none) is just not as strong as mine and we have so much other stuff going on he thinks it would all be too much.  I am having an unmedicated IUI this month which he's fine with so, as I say, not really sure what the problem is with having another IVF round.

Anyhow, are you ok with the idea of donor eggs?  Maybe what he's finding difficult is the idea of your eggs and donor sperm because then the child is genetically yours but not his.  If you're willing to go the donor egg/donor sperm route could he be persuaded?  Especially if you explain to him how important actually carrying the baby is to you.  So in that sense not different to adopting as the baby isn't genetically connected to either of you but you've had the experience of being pregnant.  I know for me part of the issue is desperation to carry a baby, to experience pregnancy.  I would also happily go with donor eggs but my OH won't.

I expect you've already explored that but wanted to throw it out there just in case.  The odds of success would be much higher as I'm sure you know.

Adoption has become easier in the past couple of years.  Obviously it's still a rigorous process but it has to be completed within 10 months so a lot quicker than it used to be.  I looked into adoption a few years ago and attended an open day.  There can still be a huge amount of heartbreak involved though, especially if you're matched to a child/baby and then it falls through for some reason which definitely happens.  On the other hand, a same sex couple that I'm very close (male) to adopted a beautiful 7 month old girl around 3 years ago, she is wonderful.

My older brother's sister-in-law has also adopted and that went very well.

Whatever happens next for you, very best of luck and please do keep us posted.


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Hi
I do feel your pain and know how difficult it must be for you. Being single and wanting a baby, I went via the double donation route as the odds were higher. It is hard knowing there's no genetic link, but I wanted to put another side to the negatives that people seem to think about donor conceived children. To me, my gorgeous and beautiful children, my son is 3 in July and my daughter is 5 months, are mine own flesh and blood. I carried them and now love and care for them. They are no lesser children because they do not carry my DNA. Everyone has to be comfortable with their decision and there are so many children out there needing love so adopting is wonderful, but there are pitfalls as there are with everything. Some children unfortunately have been damaged by their life experiences, so they still need love but need potential adopters to be aware of this. Having a baby via donor eggs and sperm is not second best, it is just another way of conceiving. I had the privilege of experiencing pregnancy and birth. You have to be comfortable with the decision, but just wanted to put my positive view on it. Good luck


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

Hi, I am sorry yr cycle didn't work for you. Almost all friends of mine have children- one couple decided to be child - free, the second once found out she couldn't conceive, moved to adoption, and have two sons now (two adoption processes) One couple had 6 failed ivf, and finally conceived thanks to pgs ngs, another yet had 3 or 4 iui failed, and finally adopted a gorgeous baby girl. So, any way is perfect if your dreams come true.  Good luck in whatever you decide to do x


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