# Intros tips for foster carers



## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Hi everyone  

I have been asked by our SW to do a talk about our intros at a training course for new foster carers. I have started to write a few bullet points of the main things which were really helpful to us during our intros week, but I would like to give them as much info and insight from adopters as possible........

Could you please let me know what your best / worst bits of intros were for you and what would be your top tips for new foster carers to help them move children on?

Thanks x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

unhelpful: DH was screaming bloody murder at ours as we tried to settle LO on his first visit home with his FC. Her comment was 'well he never does this for me'. The LO is not their child and calling themselves Mummy and Daddy is very unhelpful  and confusing to the child. Better to call themselves aunty and uncle. The LO may well react differently for the new parents than for them -helpful advice rather than contrasting is really useful.

Helpful: take pictures! Do a scrapbook of photos and big moment. Record in the Red Book when the LO gets new teeth, has a developmental milestone i.e. lifting head/ smiling and any illnesses they have. New parents will love to hear and see this information.

New parents are nervous and may not be confident but they desperately want to get on with you and like you. They want to be able to ask your advice. THey are terrified that you think you are the child's parents and won;t let go. Lots of reassurance!


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Offer tea an snacks  

Don't have other relatives/friends visit during intros! We experianced this and took a massive step back as LO LOVED  said relative and wouldn't allow us anywhere near him x


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

I totally agree with Poppy re: visitors! Our SW had guests fairly often and it made us feel very uncomfortable and unsettled the kids. For example, we were trying to give them dinner in the kitchen but the kids could hear all the people in the living room and were clearly distracted so weren't eating. In the introduction review, the FC told everyone that the kids hadn't been eating much!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Ourfcas amazing she cooked for usif we were there during a meal.  Left us to eat with the kids and ate in the front room.  I think don't be afraid to leave the room iur fc was brill at making a subtle exit and leaving us to it which was really helpful.  I think fundamentally you need to be comfortable with encouraging others / strangers to make themselves at home in your house. 

We had contact with fc prior to intro we exchanged mobile numbers and email when we met and then text and emailed in the run up I sent her some bits for the girls and she sent a picture of a rainbow my eldest painted on hearing about us. It was honestly the most amazing thing to receive.  We even spoke once. Some sws / councils discourage this but it made it so much easier for us. We were very long distance and helped with planning movement of stuff etc. 

Be honest and up front about what will and won't come with kids because we feel awful asking.  Plus we aren't actually bothered but just need to know what to buy and don't want to double up on things or be short. 

Remember they are the biggest source of knowledge and information for us. We really value what they have to tell us. It's important to be completely honest about behaviour / sleep etc issues because otherwise adopters can get really down when things aren't what they expect.  Oir fc was really honest and it helped us a lot xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I know a lot of adopters have a real issue with foster carers calling themselves Mummy and Daddy, but I don't feel it's that clear cut.  I think every child deserves to have parents, and even though foster carers are temporary parents, they are still parents.  I think it's easy for kids in foster care, even quite young ones, to feel that others have a Mummy and Daddy and they just have someone who looks after them, it's not the same, and I believe the name can be quite important in that.

I think the issue is with the f/c being able to step back when they need to and encourage the child to move on to the adopter, and see them as Mummy and Daddy, rather than in what the child calls their f/c.  Our daughter called her f/c Mama.  There was no male carer.  She took much more easily to calling my husband Daddy, which was just a word to her, than to calling me Mummy, which was clearly someone else in her mind.  Our daughter's intros were horrendously handled and her situation in foster carer was awful, but I don't think that her calling the f/c Mummy was something which in itself was a bad thing.  The name Mummy wasn't the issue, it was the loss and confusion she felt that her carer had disappeared.  She may have called me Mummy more easily if her foster carer had called herself something else, she probably would have called me Mummy quicker and struggled less with the handover if her foster carer had shown her trust or approval for us, but looking back now I don't think it would have changed how she thought or felt about me if she'd called the foster carer something different.  I was not the person she was looking for when she wanted her Mummy and that is something we needed to get through together.  

Our son also was used to hearing foster parents called Mummy and Daddy, but once they started introducing us they started to refer to themselves by their names.  Probably very confusing, but in the longer term that seems to have worked.

I can see the positives and negatives and I just don't think it's a clear cut issue.


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

our FC was super professional. she had other (older) foster children who called her by her first name, so while our boy was too little to call her anything, he was used to hearing her name. she refered to us as 'mummy and daddy' from day one. she was very flexible too, and while there were aspects of the intros she stuck to, to the letter (such as she had to be the one to drop him off at ours for the last time) if others she was happy to wing it, and allowed us far more time than master c than the 'plan' allocated. she said she could see it was going well so was happy to although i'm sure if it wasn't she would have reigned it in.

i'm making her sound quite cold and clinical, and nothing could be further from the truth, she was lovely, and burst into tears on more than one occaision, she was going to miss master c so much. (although she was quick to reassure us they were really happy tears, as he had a forever family, while i'm sure it was a mixture of both.)

however where she was a good foster carer was that while she clearly loved all the boys (and i dont think a caring person could help that) at the end of the day fostering was her job. and thats how she approached it. and it was part of her job to make sure master c's intros went well (as well as being in his best interest of course.) which i think is something all FCs need to appreciate from the off.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Lorettas FC was brilliant. It was great that before intros we communicTed by email. We got sent some photos and the best bit was receiving a little video! That was amazing!

The FCs were very relaxed. We stayed for dinner 2 nights and FC Insisted on cooking and wouldn't acceot any help.

We got given a memory box, that FCS made her, with a few things in ( she'd had her since birth) and she also did a life story book with pictures of milestones in and ages). That was really lovely to have. 


Hope this helps
Xxx


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

Just wanted to echo what everyone has said. Being flexible and relaxed is important. Our FCs were very good. On second visit, they left us with LO in their living room, but if she started crying, popped their head in to see if we were ok or needed a hand. They also made a beautiful memory box for her with eg 'baby's first Christmas' bauble, first shoes and a leaving card from them. Also they had taken lots of photos of her and this included pictures of them and their children with her. Wishing you all the best with your talk - what a lovely privilege.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello
Haven't had intros yet, just been linked.

However reading others experiences on here, and elsewhere, one of my concerns is that the FCs sometimes throw parties to say goodbye to the LOs.
Seems really inappropriate to me, why throw a party when actually it's a sad, stressful time? Seems it is more for the FCs, then when LO gets home any mention of a party makes them super anxious.
And understandably so!

Even though an adoptive placement is good news long term, it's not necessarily happy time for LO as they must be terrified.

Am pleased to hear they are asking adoptive parents to share experiences!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

You make a good point, GG - we've certainly seen escalations in Bug's anxious behaviour around parties, which is so sad because he LOOOOOOVES them.  It make me terribly sad that his birthday can become such a stressful time.  I think it's fair for FC's and their family and LO's friends to want to say goodbye (after all, the LO has a whole social circle that's going to miss them) but maybe parties aren't they best answer.


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## mummy2blossom (Feb 21, 2013)

Just a quick one, we had a wonderful FC and one thing she did was hold off blossoms first swimming trip so we got to do it. I think if it's at all possible to try and hold off doing any firsts like swimming or hair cut etc so parents can experience this. (I know it won't be possible with every case but even a little 'insignificant' first will still mean a lot to parents)


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

One thing we got that was utter fab was a respite Fc had filled a school jotted with anecdotes and photos of our LO with their family. LO didn't spend long with this Fc but they went out of their way to make LO part of their unit and I'm sure it will be wonderful for LO in years to come and help fill in some gaps. For us, we found this helped us feel we didn't miss anything in LOs life.

Good luck x


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