# Have you thought about adoption?



## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Thought I'd shared my sick sense of humour with you all.
Was at the solicitors last week (about our house move which is STILL ongoing-don't get me started...) and in conversation she asked me if we had children, whereby I answered that we couldn't. I was promptly given the text-book answer 'have you thought about adoption?' 
I do realise that people mean well and I guess say what I would if the tables were turned, but part of me wants to sarcastically say 'No!, well, it had never crossed my mind-what would I have done without you suggesting such a thing?!'

Sometimes I never know whether to laugh or scream at the reactions I get (depending on it being a good or bad day-if you know what I mean)
Anyway, that's my little moan over with! Hope you all okay.
pp xx


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Know what you mean.  Its amazing what some people come out with isn't it.   

Like a woman I work with who's IVF tx worked first time, & frozen embryo transfer produced sibling first time also.  Now you would think she of all people would no better, but she came out with a corker.. "Everyone goes on about how hard IVF is, well if it doesn't work you just have to accept it don't you.  I mean you are just not meant to have children."  hmmmmm easy point of view when you got what you wanted twice, wonder if she had felt same if she hadn't been so lucky.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Excuse me a moment ladies .....

SCREAM !!!

Ahh, thats better!  

Sorry, but I get sick to the back teeth and beyond of people and their 'suggestions'! I have been known to stop and look at the offending 'suggester' in horror and say 'oh my god! I can't believe it! I knew there was something I didn't do! I forgot to have children'! Just to see the look of amazement/horror etc on their faces is worth it. (See PP, I have a sick sense of humour as well)!

But - sometimes it really gets to me because I think its intrusive, insensitive and downright bloody RUDE when people make these sorts of suggestions. I have been known to give people a speech about adoption and how it isn't a cure for infertility - how nothing can ever take away that pain inside you of not having your own. I've had people suggest I do IVF when I already have but its no-one elses darn business - I mean, its like me asking people when are they thinking of having bms to conceive! I've had people tell me I best get a move on, go on about how I should delay having kids because they are a pain (admittedly this was when we were a lot younger - LOL) or how if I relax it will happen for me (not without no bloody fallopian tubes it won't)! 

You name it, I've had it said to me over the years!

Haven't got a rude two fingered icon to stick up that I wish I could send to all those who thought they knew what I should or shouldn't be doing to have a family out there but I'm thinking it - and thoughts are powerful! LOL!  

As for that lady you work with Jane - pah! What planet is she on then? Planet Smug? Glad I don't work with her hon!

Love to all
Emcee x


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Completely agree with you Jane.
I know it shouldn't, but sometimes it really feels like 'us and them'. 
I think that the general misconception (not meant as a pun!) is that if you can't have children naturally, you have tx and have a baby, and people don't realise how desperately low the success rate is. And unfortunately, I think this ignorance can also apply to some who are successful with tx first time round and have not had the pain of recurrent bfn's.

Peoples insensitivity and thoughtlessness never ceases to amaze me.
Take care you
ppxx


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## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Hi ladies

Sometimes I think people just dont know what to say, then say the first thing that comes into their head  

Just lately I have been abit naughty, somebody on my course that Ive only known about 6 weeks said that she would have a baby for me!!!!!!!!!!!   So I replied really loudly, "Oh my God, you would do that for me, I would be forever in your debt, do you want and come to my Doctors tomorrow and we could set it up then, its so easy, I cant wait.You dont mind using my hubbies sperm do you?" At this point the room went really quiet, the look on her face, I just sat there waiting for an answer. Safe to say she doesnt speak to me much any more, but then again who cares    

maybe we've all got a sick sense of humour in us all, we need it sometimes!!!

karen   xxxx


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Oh Emcee!
That's made me laugh so much. 
Ahhh, sense of humour? The drier the better please!!!!
It's wonderfull to share our 'screams' with each other
ppxx


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Karen-that's absolutely awful. 
The only advice I'd have for someone like her is 'engage brian before operating mouth'
xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Karen, way to go girrrrrrrrrrrrrrl!  

Fantastic response from you to her - I've had a few people tell me they will be my surrogate and its like - pee off! I will have to remember what you said for the next noo-nar who comes up with such a suggestion in the future!  

Love, 
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

A very debatable topic PP...Thanks for bringing to the forefront....

Karen a very brave reply to the girl on your course...its a very personal and invasive question to put forward to someone in the first place. But to suggest this in public is worse....i am sure she will not be doing this again in the future...without thinking about the implications...It may have been with the best intentions, but inappropriate as you have only known her 6wks...

Like you Emcee i have tried to explain to a friend  about adoption that its about dealing with not having our own child...the reply is 'but you will make a great mother/parents'. Well we know that, but thats not the answer to our issues at this present moment. I am sure for those going to adopt its a very intense and challenging . But firstly we want to deal with our present emotions...

PP and Jane i do empathise with you....i have (had) a friend who had 2 children...and then his wife went onto miscarry (very sad), but got pregnant a year later...MY friend her husband then turned around to me and said if he was in my shoes, he would just accept that he couldn't have children and adopt...I did reply with so why did you try for another child? was the pain and upset of losing a child to awful to deal with and thats why you tried again?? so why are you making such a statement to me, basically you have contradicted yourself You do not even know or understand our pain to make such statements, when you felt a huge loss yourself.......I have never felt the same way about him since 

Thanks astridxxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

hi girls,
sadly i think this is something we have all had said to us at some point. Also, do you find that people who say it then go on to recount the story of their friends husbands second cousins next door neighbour who adopted?! I even had one person who told me of such a person who tried to adopt but they were turned down cos they were too old (which i don't believe actually) - erm thanks??!

I think retaining a sense of humour is crucial on this one - tho I know thats so hard at times.
hang in there everyone xxxxx

ps emcee - 'planet smug' is really making me laugh   I know a few people from this part of the galaxy!!!!


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Adoption sadly isnt the answer for everyone. I have more or less unofficially adopted (age 5,now 15) my sdaughter but it still doesnt stop the yearning for my own child and also the agony that my body has let me down.It never will.

I also know from experience all the personal trauma we have had to go thru with social workers over the years coming into our home to assess US   because sd's natural mother decided she would like her back after abandoning her on a few occasions. We are now dealing with her birth mother actually wanting her now again as it suits her!!! I know i couldnt go thru all that stuff again.

Nowadays(correct me if i am wrong) the baby/child has still a link with the birth mother so one would have to deal with that if the child wanted to keep in touch which makes it very hard to be the adoptive parents.Have you told all these nosey people this!!!! They havent a bloody clue!!!

We really should have a bank of answers available to choose from for these people!! Who would like to start a list!!!


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi girls,

and thank you for another great thread ..... one that I'm sure has touched us all at some point, thanks to insensitive, ignorant friends, colleagues, ..... anyone else who wants their tuppenceworth!!

There have been many times I would have loved to have been as brave as some of you girls but am so scared of confrontation/blushing that I just smile and don't say anything to upset THEM!! It's sooooo frustrating!!!

I've had a "friend" flippantly offer me donor eggs ....... after she's already tanked half a bottle of wine, (and then goes on to say how she knows - yes - you got it - a friend of her cousin's uncles neighbours niece who had 10 IVFs so it CAN work.  To me this sounds like, "Well, you've only had 4 IVFs so that's not much - you need to try harder!!!"  Grrrrr. )  The donor thing is so annoying as how can you react when you don't know if they're being serious or not??  The interesting thing is, I think SHE has been more disappointed than me in all these offers.  You see I think they expect us to get down and kiss their feet and be eternally grateful ...... but by offering something so flippantly, and laughing about it, making comments like, "oh God, how would I cope with another Zoe (her daughter!!) running around" !!!!  there's nothing else I can do but say something, "yeah right.  Thanks".  And its THIS I don't think these people like.  They are positively seeking out a HUGE  theatrical thank you from us I think.  (god, how cynical am I?)

One day, she proceeded to tell me about this girl (again, a long-distance relative or something whom I've never met) who'd had a stillbirth and was now pregnant with twins.  I felt awkward so I changed the subject.  A few weeks later, she accused me of biting her head off and how she thought, "oops .... I've touched a nerve - laugh!!"  WHAT??  Touched a nerve?  She has no bloody idea!!

How DO you make people see they are making themselves look like complete TWATS by offering comments like this without offending them?  It's a really difficult one as I do believe they aren't trying to hurt us,...... they just don't get it and never will.

I would love to see a list started, although I'm not quick enough to think of anything, but smile sadly ......

Well, that isn't strictly true, I can think of two words actually ........  

Go get-em girls!!

Love to all
Gill xo


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## Grumpygirl (Oct 24, 2004)

Hi ladies, 
I totally sympathise with you, these comments REALLY hurt, but I wanted to share a corker with you.

I'd just been told I had ovarian cancer, needed both ovaries removed, may need a full hysterectomy but they would try to save my uterus so I could have DE (luckily this was the case   ) and would never have my own genetic children. We heard this on a Weds evening and gradually got ourselves together over the next few days. On the Saturday a 'friend' called to say she was sorry about our news (good on her, we needed support) but "AT LEAST YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH."

I was unable to make conversation after that and was so upset. I was livid, we didn't know what my overall outcome would be, we knew I'd be infertile and we knew our chances of having children whatever the circumstances was going to be a long tough road. Her comments still cut me to the quick to this day and I have to avoid her where possible. It's ok with big groups of friends where I can hide in the masses but she was pregnant for the first time herself last year and regaled me with tales of her misery while pregnant, from  "I'm so fat" to "I just can't sleep". DH understands my need to distance myself from her but I don't want to make it awkward for others among our group. That said I could quite happily not bother with her again.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ! Thanks for letting me offload that one!

Big slaps to all those that need them!

Love
Giggly
xx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

OMG gigglygirl What a terrible time you've had 

I am absolutely *stunned* by your story . I can't believe what an awful thing this person said to you and I'm so shocked and sorry that she said this. I would certainly keep well away from her if you possibly can. You seriously do NOT need her in your life.
 to you and the rest of the girls here
love ruby xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

OMG!!!! Giggly

I am in absolute shock.!!! not often i am speechless....
I just wanted to send you my thoughts and i am very saddened to hear of your latest news...
Thinking of you and if you need a listening ear you know where i am...

lots of love astridxx

I have just read Ruby's comments and i totally agree!!!!


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Giggly

What a shallow person this so called pal is. I am so very sorry you have had to go through the most devastating and no doubt frightening news, operation and unknown stuff for the future regarding becoming a parent - to have this kn*b head of a so-called friend make such a crass comment to you, and to continually dump her whinges all over you (or whoever has the misfortune of being closest enough to listen) now she finds herself in the 'unfortunate' (for her, clearly) position of being preggers.

She sounds like a drama queen and a self centered hissy cowbag and I want to swear about her on your behalf but can't here so words like this will have to do - bufflefumwit, grottysnotbag, snivling snorkmonster. 

I hope she puffs up to maximum density then explodes! 

Sorry, all I seem to have done is vent here! But I get so mad when I hear about this sort of thing! 

Lots of love from me xxx


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Oh my god GG!
What utterly shallow remarks, there is NO WAY that this person could have the nerve to call herself a friend to you-enemies wouldn't do such a thing.
I'm so sorry to hear your news, it amazes me how cruel life can be.
Much love and hugs
ppxx

p.s. Next time I need to vent my spleen, instead of marching about in a huff I'm going to ask Emcee to make me up some swear-words, they're great!!


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

I think I'm gonna write a book about all this stuff and pay for it to be delivered to every child-filled household in Britain. I don't really do god, but all I can say this morning is God Bless You all for getting through the days with crap like this thrown at you........ I felt like **** this morning (excuse french) but reading this thread and having a great laugh where appropriate has really helped. 

You are all marvellous!


Leoarna xxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Giggly, there really is no excuse for people like that!!! My best friend also had cancer- of the womb at age 28. She had to have a complete hysterectomy. She heard some silly things over the years too but i would have been sooo angry for her if i had heard anyone say that!!!

I wish you luck after all you have been thru - xxxx


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

girls i often read your thread - though don't join in as we're still tx 

anyways, when i told my SIL that my aug tx had failed (after a BFP m/c in may) she said - can you try with donor eggs? like hello it's my tubes that are knackered, me eggs are fine 

then she said (just to make me feel better), we'll be trying again come christmas (they have a 2yr old) so you'll soon have another nephew or niece to love - cos that makes it all better 

why are people so thick and insenstitive?


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Nicola and Girls
Thx for coming on here just to aire your comments...umm a nice and considerate SIL. She is supposed to be your family? and she comes out with comments like that...where is the empathy and compassion?
Yeah just go out and get some eggs or tubes or sperm...what is it about people that do not understand any any sort of emotional turmoil in life? Going through infertility is so soul destroying and if something doesn't happen and the end result is such a disapointment. You get comments as if it easy to just go and just GO and Do Something else?
Yeah why don't i just pop down to B & Q / Screw Fix / Bob The Builder or maybe Mr Jimmy Fix it...they will sort it !!!!
Or maybe they think we can just switch on and off like a Robot??Its that easy like deciding what to wear the next day.....I wish we flipping could and then we wouldn't have to go through this pain
Hey Emcee can i borrow a few of your swear words....     ...i think i am losing it now...
My thoughts are with you Giggly.... 
love astridxxx


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## Grumpygirl (Oct 24, 2004)

Hi ladies,
Thanks so much for your support, I'm so glad it's not just me being over-sensitive! DH and other close friends thought she was awful, and my best friend still wants to poke her eyes out if they ever meet (not likely, she isn't local)! Sometimes I wonder if I'm going mad, but these comments could drive you over the edge, couldn't they?!

Best way IMHO is to get angry and not put up with it! I realised after I crashed this thread that it was the Deciding and Accepting thread, and we're not quite there yet in this ttc game, so sorry if I posted inappropriately. You all seem lovely though and it's been great to chat!

I got the all-clear again on Tue this week   , it's now 2 & 1/2 yrs since I finished chemo so the important thing is that's all behind me. Onwards and upwards as my Pa always says. Doing the Great South Run for Macmillan on Sunday (10 miles) and off to Greece for DEivf on Monday. Fingers crossed.

Best thing we can do is make the most of our lives and insensitive people may have children but fewer true friends! I'm child free but most certainly not friend-free, and I now know exactly who my true friends are.  

Love to you all
Giggly
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Giggly hon, you most certainly have not gate crashed here, its lovely to chat to you and the other ladies who have joined in too.  

I know it can be hard living with the reality of being child free but I'd like to show others that it does not necessarily mean its going to be a life full of sadness - so I love it when others like your good self join in! As you said you are child free but certainly not friend free, that is a lovely statement to make and its gave me a huge grin  

Way to go with getting the all clear - and the very best of luck when you go to Greece. I've heard many an encouraging tale from other ladies I have known who have gone abroad to have DEivf, I really hope this is the one for you!

Love & best wishes xxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Great thread  ! Have had numerous "Did they really just say that" moments with people saying totally insensitive comments re me not being able to have children, like the woman who sat next to my MIL at a meal out with large group of people, who asked her in front of them all with me sat the other side of my MIL "Have you not got any grandchild then?" and when my MIL quietly and politely said no in a tone that was quite obvious it was a not to be discussed further as I was sat right next to her too, the woman still proceeded to lean forward to me and say in front of everyone at the table "Oh you didn't want any then, that is what so many of them decide to do these days" I was too hurt to speak so didn't reply, but I sooo wished I had replied and gone through in micro detail every personal trauma Dh and I went through on tx, to her in front of a whole pub full of people just to embarrass her!! 

Then there was the old work colleague I met up with who despite me informing her just the week before that my tx journey was now all over for good, she proceeded to tell me how many people at my old work place were now preg and full details about each, and did I know there was an article in the paper saying our town had the highest fertility rate in the country at present!!!!! What a deeply insensitive thing to tell someone who is completely infertile and always will be!!!!!

I have come to the conclusion peoples horrendously ill thought out comments are so often due to our very British trait of many people just not knowing how to discuss bad news openly and admit it's harsh reality. I am somewhat guilty of this myself in that I tend to avoid really telling people how awful I feel at times with my childlessness because I know if I really told them how it feels to be infertile I would properly depress them all and have no friends!

However thanks to this wonderful thread I have decided the next time someone says something ludicrously insensitive re me not having children I am going to just go for it and tell them whether they wish to hear or not the full nitty gritty details about my tx journey which should sufficiently embarrass them greatly, and hopefully make them think twice about going round asking other people such nosey questions or saying such inappropriate things on this topic.

Huge hugs to all of you on this thread that have had to deal with such horrendous hurtful comments.
Love
Hippy
xx


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Hi girls,

This is a great thread, especially with Madonna adopting that wee boy from Africa.

We live in Westminster (not far from Madonna) and were told by the council that if we tried to adopt from abroad, the child would be placed into care immediately, if we tried to import one, without going through their long process and having their approval.

Now that she has him in the country, those of us who do not have children will be under attack again and the adoption question will come up. With so many needy children in the world how can we be so selfish to be without children?

There was even an article in one daily newspaper about all the needy children without adoptive parents in the UK. 

I'm just livid as the adoption remarks come up all the time when people discover we couldn't have children naturally.

It's as if adoption is an obligation rather then a choice. People don't understand that maybe we would have liked to be biological parents and the feelings don't go away. I have enormous admiration for people who do adopt but it is a huge postcode lottery out there.

Rant ended!

With love to all from,


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## buster24 (Jul 11, 2005)

People are really insensitive I really don’t think they mean it but they are. I have been infertile since the age of 22, due to PID caused by a badly fitted coil. I was very ill had a laparoscopy and my insides basically were in a right state, fallopian tubes had shrivelled up an died. Anyway I had 4 failed IVF and then decided at that point to stop. One off my SIL also had problems but theirs were unexplained she to had multi failed IVFs and then adoption to go down the adoption route. While waiting on her adopted children she found out she was PG. Well SIL number to phoned me straight away to say have you heard the news SIL 1 is PG. no I hadn’t she never even got to tell me her self I was so upset. But she never stopped there. See it can happed, you will be next. I was like no it wont sil 1 was unexplained I have no tubes left it’s a medical impossibility oh that doesn’t matter she had IVF that failed and now she is PG I know it will be you next. I was by this point hysterical while my DH was up  a ladder painting wondering what was going on. I shouted are you that f****N stupid how the F**K  am I going to get PG with no F****N tubes you idiot. She was like I was only trying to help how the hell is that going to help me. Put phone down and SIL 1 phoned I have got some great news, I already know. She was so upset that she never got to tell me. Hay are people so bloody thick


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

hi girls

hope you dont mind me butting in but just needed to share some really dumb comments i have had in the past few weeks.

after not working for 15months i have now got a job and choose to work 3nights a week as though this would mean i got away from babies/preg ladies however every women i work with has kids and for some reason they feel the need to past comment!

first one i got was when i was asked if i had kids and when i said no ...........then for some reason i said "but i have a dog" the reply i got was "oh yeah people who dont have kids tend to have a dog instead" ..............ermmmmmmmmmmmmm whats that ment to mean? i held my tongue!!!

second comment was when i got asked how i was finding it working nights and when i said it was going well plus my dh was away so could sleep when i wanted (i work sun,mon and tue so sleep during the days on mon and tue) i got the "when you have kids you cant sleep all day"..............................felt like screaming "i dont have kids however im not totally dumb!!!!!"

oh i would be so lost without FF!!!

ok rant over!

xxx


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## Reb (Mar 27, 2004)

Great thread   only we girls know and understand what idiots are out there. 

If someone goes on about the terrible pain of child birth and how lucky I am (which I get a lot working with a load of part time mums), I just shallowly boast about not have saggy nollies and stretch marks as I dont want to discuss my IF issues.  I do hint to them though that they shouldnt make any assumptions about childless people.  It really depends on what mood I am in, but I never let them get away with it  

Have you noticed its usually women too ?  Men tend to be more matter of fact and dont feel the urge to pretend they can offer advice.  One bloke at work (who doesnt know of our issues) told me he could nt have kids...he had all the tests and the dr confirmed that he didnt have a womb.  I lmao, though I could tell my manager was a bit worried about how i might  react and looked releived to see me laughing.....i digress...sorry.

Buster, I fully understand your reaction.

Thanks for making feel normal on not just some ratty **** bag  

Becca
x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

hi girls

got a fab new one for your today

while at work last night(i work nights in a supermarket) the girls were talking about the hours for chirstmas(not that we have even been told themYET) and one of them cme out with"i think all those without kids should have to work christmas hours as christmas is for children/families"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mega ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

........... right,

So "Child-Free" automatically means "Family-Free" aswell now then    

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr -No wonder this wound you up hun!

Get them told Gal!!!!

Well done you for having the strength to listen to this Bull***t!!! 

The mind boggles, it really does .....
((((( HUGS ))))))
Gill xo


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Pah - it makes me laugh that in the madness of the politically correct world we are in today how you can get slammed for making assumptions about race, gender, creed etc - yet if you are child free its 'ok' for others to 'decide your fate' at work as it were...

Yes, so we are in the minority - but it doesn't mean that we don't have a voice... nor that we should have to work the crappiest hours whilst our colleagues who are paid the same rate as us, and whom have taken the job on knowing full well the hours can be awful around the busiest time of year can dictate what hours they should be entitled to!

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for equality at the workplace, but have had many scenarios where I have had to do the crappy hours because I am not a parent... my mum relied heavily on me for many things as she was elderly and an invalid - but she didn't count because she was my parent! Argh! 

Love to all (and sorry you are having to go through this insanity at work already before the silly season has even begun MJ)!

Emcee xxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Friends
I hope I’m not posting out of place here, and even though this is a place for ‘moving on’ and we are hoping to adopt (thats why I thought this might be an appropriate thread), those idiots who say ‘why don’t you adopt (yes I’ve had all of those comments...some people are thick!), going through the adoption process is still not taking away the pain of not being able to have my own child. Maybe if we are approved...maybe if we are lucky enough to have a family this way, I will still be looked at as ‘childless’.
This was hit home to me last night by my dragon of a MIL (I have moaned about her here in the past). She knows we are about to go to the adoption panel, and is always asking when ‘the children’ will be arriving... but there is always that sting that they won’t be the same as her ‘much longed for grandchild’ provided by Number One Son and SIL.
After years of hurtful comments (she once introduced me as ‘the best my son could get’ to a large family group!), this year, yet again, my birthday came and went...no card...no gift...no acknowledgement...yet she had great delight last night in saying that she had sent said SIL money for her birthday (they live abroad) because of postage costs and that, after buying a camera bag out of it, she would still have money left over for Champagne and caviar! Now, I’m not a greedy person, she can stick her money up her @r$e, but to ignore my birthday completely seemed so one sided! She is always rubbing my nose in the fact my SIL has ‘given her’ a grandchild and how it makes her so sad that we will never be able to give her that too, but this is going a bit far!!!
My DH says I’m being too sensitive (maybe its hormones!!!), but even though we are feeling excited over our adoption plans, she will never accept our family as being as ‘good’ as her ‘normal’ family...
So, to get back to the topic...’have you thought about adoption’...people talk about it as though it is a complete solution, that it will ‘solve’ our childless-ness, but really it is a sticking plaster that will help cover the deep wound that I don’t think will ever heal.
I’m sorry to whinge (thats all I seem to do on these threads), but I’m so angry and hurt over her attitude, and I don’t think anyone but you lovely ladies would understand...
Anyway, enough of me for now... sorry to ramble on, but at least I’ve got it out of my system...
Love to you all
EML


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi EML,

I'm sorry you're having to face this ...... and from a close family member too!!!  I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt!  I would be too.  These comments must hurt to the core!  Have you ever confronted her to tell her how you really feel and how hurtful these comments are?  Maybe this would make her realise!!

Forgive me, but I absolutely don't think you're being "too sensitive".  I think you'd have to have nerves of steel not to be affected by all these comments and your MIL's behaviour!  

I absolutely understand that adopting isn't about replacing your own biological children.  The two things are completely different.  However, I do wish you all the luck in the world that it brings you a "different" form of happiness and contentment.  I hope you're not offended by this but if your MIL can't be happy for you, (and herself) at the fact that you will (hopefully) one day soon, have the family you've always longed for then I think this is her loss, not yours.  I sincerely hope you won't let the poor judgement of this woman cloud your long-awaited and truly deserved happiness that adoption could bring to you.

I think there are only 2 ways to deal with this if it's upsetting you so much and having such an impact on your emotions.  1.  Confront her on her own and have a real heart-to-heart, maybe get to the root of why she is behaving like this?  (Maybe she thinks she can intimidate you like this and you would never confront her about it?  - so go girl, and show her how strong you are?!!!)  or 2.  Let her rant and rave and behave like this and try to let it go over your head, she has to be pitied as eventually, she will be losing out on something wonderful and it will be her loss .........

I hope you manage not to let this hurt you any more, you absolutely don't deserve this on top of everything else,
Stay strong girl, and good luck
Love Gill xo


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Gil
Firstly, congrats on your good news...and thanks for your words of support.
Thanks for your reply... sorry to burden you all with my woes.
Yes, other family members (but not me, I'm a coward... she scares me...if you can imaging Hyacinth Bucket in the flesh, thats her!) have told her that her comments have hurt in the past, and she either dismisses them by saying that its me who's being overly senstive/depressed/hormonal, whatever she hasn't used with them recently, or denies saying any of it and says I'm making it up (I'm not).
I have tried distancing myself from her in the past (after the 'best he could get' comment) and all I got were hysterics down the telephone... why was I ignoring her... her heart wasn't strong enough (she had a heart scare a few years ago) to cope with MY attitude! I got texts saying she wouldn't speak to me ever again, emails saying that I was selfish and heartless. She isn't the sort to have a heart-to-heart with!
I have tried to let her rant (I usually just let her rattle on and ignore her)... but at times like these she can really press all of the wrong buttons with me! However, its good to know its not me 'being overly sensetive'... I was beginning to think I was going mad!
Anyway, thank goodness for this haven and thanks again for your thoughts.
Love
EML


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh EML

My heart goes out to you... I know how horrible it can be to have a nasty piece of work for a MIL. I have 2 MIL's to contend with and they are both equally hard work but in different ways, so I empathise with you, believe me!

I'd like to touch on something Gill said in response to you if you don't mind - when she said about letting the things she says go over your head... I have used this technique with both of my outlaws and its worked. Its about giving them the power to upset you, or taking that away from them... as hard as it can be to get into this mind set to begin with its worth its weight in gold when you manage to achieve it. I suppose what I'm saying is only you have the power to let your hag of a MIL get to you with the things she says and does... at the end of the day she isn't your family, you didn't marry her, you married your son. As for your DH sticking up for her its probably because of the same or similar reasons he used to stick up for his mum - he didn't want to rock the boat. When I changed my attitude and decided to stop giving her the power to upset me he quickily cottoned on to how awful she was!

Can I also say I wanted to cheer when you said adoption isn't a cure for infertility... I have tried to point this out to many people over the years but usually its been met with the 'brick wall effect' and has fallen on deaf ears... you may not realise this, but you are such a strong person to be able to take this onboard whilst you are going through the adoption process. I wish you the best of luck with panel, and hope that you get your dream soon... it strikes me that no matter what you do in this life your MIL is going to miss out BIG TIME on so many lovely moments, and that she is going to end up a very lonely old lady.

Hold your head up high sweetheart, don't let that miserable dragon drag you down any more. You have done nothing wrong! I am sending you my love and strength and support whilst you wait for panel... please let us know how you get on, if you feel up to sharing!

Hang in there hon
Love,
Emcee xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

OH your MIL sounds awful. The only thing that I can think to say is that to say things like that she is not only making everyone else around her miserable but she is also probably as miserable as sin herself.
I'm sure that you are a very brave person - you have certainly been though a lot with your infertility treatment. I also think that it takes a lot of courage to consider the adoption process.
Best wishes Emma


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Your mother in law sounds a right hag from hell.  Please, please do not let her get to you...she really is a piece of work, and quite frankly how you haven't   before now amazes me.  You are a strong person who must have nerves of steel and patience of a saint. 

Lots of luck with the adoption panel, I hope you and your DH get the family you long for. You may find that when you do have children your MIL changes her attitude.  I do hope so. However if she is still silly enough to behave as though an adopted child is somehow 2nd best well thats her loss.
Good luck

Jane x


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Lovely and Considerate Friends...
I can’t believe the amount of support and encouragement your replies have given me...

Emcee... you must be a stronger and more dignified person than I am... I will try (with the next insult, it shouldn’t take her long!) to follow your lead! You too have been through the wars.. why does this IF seem to affect such good people? And thanks too for your words of encouragement about the adoption process. They told us on our preparation course that adoption can (sometimes) make the pain of IF worse. Not only are these children a constant reminder that we will never have a biological child of our own, they are also a badge for us to wear to the friends/neighbours/colleagues that, after all of those years saying that we didn’t WANT children, we were covering up a painful truth! Thanks so much for your reply, and of course (if you don’t mind me boring you all) I will let you know how we get on (MIL has even tried to spoil this... she said we will be rejected because we were “too old, too white and too middle-class”! Wrong there you old b!tch, we are NOT too old, skin colour makes no difference and I would call us working class, and proud of it!)  

Emma...yes, I think she is miserable deep down. Both her sons distance themselves from her, and she lives in this fantasy world of ‘happy families’ which doesn’t exist. No 1 DIL won’t have her in the house for long and makes her most unwelcome! I am not brave at all (you should have seen me when we were going through IVF, a quivering wreck!), we’ve all been through so much here, we have to become a bit thick-skinned... its just that it is thinner in some places than others.

Jane... thanks for your encouragement with our adoption plans. I wonder about MILs attitude if we do ever get our family, I’m sure she will use her acid tongue on them once in a while, so I will have to use the skills I have learnt here to help them cope with the old dragon!

Thanks again to you all for being so supportive...if only MIL could show 1% of the understanding you all have she would be a much better person.

With much love and thanks
EML


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dear EML

Just remember that when the going gets tough we are here for you - think of us as your support and back up in times of need. We all understand to one degree or another how painful the whole IF journey is, and how difficult it can be to plod through your life with all the heartache & madness surrounding IF, never mind having to tackle unsupportive MIL's.

I'm most certainly not dignified or strong huni, I just got sick to the back teeth of both my 'outlaws' and stupid things they have said over the years and I think along the way I snapped - big time! I've re-read my post and I am sorry if I seem to be preaching to you - I didn't mean it to come across that way   Believe me when I say I am all for the quiet life usually - but I got pushed to the point where I could see wanting the quiet life wasn't going to shut my 2 outlaws up!

I hope your MIL farts and follows through whilst in a public place; I hope she sits in someone elses wee wee on the bus!    You are the bigger and better person for not stooping down to her level - besides, you could never reach the gutter where she is could you?  

Sorry if my toilet humour has caused offence - I couldn't stop myself!  

Best of luck to you sweetheart, stay strong, I am rooting for you xxx

Lots of love,
Emcee xxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi EML - what a lot you have had to cope with  , those comments from your MIL were so hurtful. All I hope is that when you are approved and then matched with your little one, that they will melt your MIL's heart and by some miracle she will show a gentler and kinder side to all especially you.

I also hope your SW might be able to gently point out to your MIL that it is essential she doesn't create unnecessary tension around your adopted child when they join you, because the whole reason that little one is coming to be part of your loving family is so they can have a happier and fresh start with people that truly adore them in a nurturing environment, which I know you will provide  . I hope that for you too when you finally see your little one your heart will be engulfed by a love you didn't think possible and that love help squash a lot of the pains of the past. 

I haven't shared this before, (as I know it evokes difficult feelings for many on this thread and I want to be sensitive to that) but DH and I are going to be considering applying for adoption end of next year, and during my own time of healing and grieving for the loss of my own never to be children, I have taken huge comfort from the numerous ladies on the adoption thread who have said that once their little one was matched with them they felt feelings they couldn't have imagined, and the daily/monthly pain of their own infertility was given such a big heave ho as their love and life was now completely overtaken with this new life to care for. I hope in time this will be your story too   

Sending you huge hugs
Love
Hippy
xxxx


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