# feeling alone



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

monday i had a lovely bfp. my heart leaped at the thought of finally being pregnant, of becomming a mummy, of telling my dh we had finally done it. then the pains started, just like af pains. i kept trying to tell myself that pains are normal and it wouldnt matter. i dared to dream of what my baby might be like, would it be a boy or girl, names i liked. dh told me not to get too excited just incase, he didnt believe the result. i re-tested wednesday and the line was barely viasble. everyone kept telling me it would be ok as it was still early (first time ive tested early in a very long time, stupid me). today i woke up expecting af but she hasnt shown yet but i just know its all over. everything feels wrong. i feel empty and foolish for thinking we had finally done it. was i ever pregnant? should i be feeling sad for my 'loss' which may not have even been there in the first place? do i just wait to bleed or do i need to see a doctor? i know i need to test again to check but im so scared of seeing that one line. me and dh had a row last night about it as i was getting upset and he snapped saying 'how can i expect anything ever to stick around when i have all these problems'   i know he didnt mean it but it still hurt. 

i just need to know why this happend. why me? why did i test early? was i ever actually pregnant or am i just stupid thinking i was. i dont know what to do


----------



## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Hun, why do you think it's over? i know you say you 'feel' that it is, but when is/was OTD?

It is really important to test again on your test day.  It could have been a paler line for lots of reasons - a different time of day, a different test.  i really would leave it a couple of days and try again - symptoms come and go - and that AF feeling is a definite symptom!

sorry you are having a rough time - big hugs hun, i so hope it turns out good for you.


----------



## Lully77 (Apr 11, 2008)

Oh hunny, firstly   

You really can't know that it's over until you get a -ive on OTD or you start to bleed red blood.  I had the most terrible AF type pains and backache for a couple of days before OTD and as you will see, for us it meant a lovely BFP!

Please don't upset yourself and DH too much - hopefully in a couple of days you'll be looking back and laughing at this!

Just seen that Sallywags has said just about the same thing!

Take care and keep   you just don't know what the true result will be until OTD.

Lully x


----------



## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

....and actually, even the red blood thing isn't necessarily the end..

i had a full AF a few days before test day - and a BFN.  I found out i was pg 2 weeks later.

Don't give up hope yet hun...


----------



## mummyclaire (Sep 17, 2007)

Aww hun. Dont give up hope yet  

Thinking of you


----------



## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Hun - i've just looked at your profile and realised that you are still 2 days from your test date... goodness, a lot can happen in 2 days!! Lets hope that your hcg keeps doubling nicely and you get a nice strong line on saturday morning.  the fact that you have had lines 5 days early is a good sign hopefully hun - please don't give up yet!


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

hi ya

sorry for the long rambled post, i just needed to get it all out as i was driving myself mad worrying   

OTD is today as the ticker is wrong cos i couldnt be bothered to change it. I tested monday as i just had a strange 'feeling' then double checked wednesday and it was lighter - was the same tests but they were very cheap ones. i am going to test again tomorrow if af isnt here to check and then if its still showing bfp then i might start to believe it! 

thank you all again, i will keep you updated


----------



## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

I think that monday , maybe you still had that HCG shot ( ovitrelle, pregnil) in your body and it showed a line, then diminished , which is why clinics say to wait 14 days at least. if you haven't got AF yet, everything is possible!    

Future Mummy


----------



## mummyclaire (Sep 17, 2007)

Did u test hun


----------



## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Come on then, what happened hun?


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

future mummy said:


> I think that monday , maybe you still had that HCG shot ( ovitrelle, pregnil) in your body and it showed a line, then diminished , which is why clinics say to wait 14 days at least. if you haven't got AF yet, everything is possible!
> 
> Future Mummy


i didnt have any drugs as im ttc naturally whilst waiting for ivf funding

i did another and it was bfn, still waiting for af which is being a pain cos i need it to move on from this horrid ordeal.

sorry i didnt post earlier but couldnt face it 

jo xxx


----------



## Kushtaka (Jul 23, 2008)

NuttyJo ~

First, I am so sorry about your BFN.  It sucks!

Second, you are not alone.  It's a horrible feeling, and I know because I can relate to it.  You've got lots of hormones in your system and have just gone through so much!  I know for me it was the loss of the dream and the hope.  My BFN was guessed 3 days ago and confirmed yesterday.  FF's have told me that this is a series, not a single event.  They say the statistics, for my age 27% each cycle, are based on figures 3 years old, and for people who can stick with it, 75%.  I keep reading about people who have done IVF, ICSI, and then manage with subsequent cycles or even spontaneously.

Give yourself time to grieve, and know that it's not all done!  Feel free to chat anytime for a very sympathetic shoulder!

Kush


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

Thank you Kush   sorry you're going through it too   its definitely been the loss of the dream thats got me the most right now   hope you're ok


----------



## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Hun  so sorry.

xx


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

bleeding started yesterday, so least i can try and get over this all now. was on summer camp with army cadets too - only got there sunday but had to come home yesterday as it was too bad   made dh stay there so he didnt miss out on it but now wish he was here with me.


----------



## twiglets (Feb 13, 2008)

Hi NuttyJo,

Sorry to hear of your chemical pg  . I had one just last month. I didn`t do a HPT but I`m sure it would have also come up as a positive if I had as when I had my bloods done my E2 level was 14. And this can be detected by a HPT as a positive, I think they can detect as low as 10...

I was told by the nurse that a chemical/biochemical (same thing) means that an embie tried to attach but then detached. I think it is not all so bad as something did happen. Don`t blame yourself for it as there could just as likely have been sth wrong with the embie and that`s why it didn`t attach totally...

Glad you got AF, one less thing to worry about. I got mine 4 days after stopping the medication.

Take care

Roses xxxx


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

thank you for the reply roses and sorry you've gone through the same   its so hard isnt it cos other people dont have a clue how it feels to be given the dream for it to be snatched away. i dont know what i would do without this site and the lovely people on it.

im just worried that this isnt the first time its happend and that theres something wrong which is stopping an embie to implant  

jo x


----------



## Kushtaka (Jul 23, 2008)

NuttyJo ~

I completely agree with your concern. This is the first time that I know, for certain, that an egg was fertilized. This leaves me wondering why? At least yours tried, and then for some unknown reason stopped. I want to know why my highest grade embies didn't make it. I have an appointment with the doctor, but am afraid it is something I'll never know and that there isn't an answer to my question.

I started acupuncture this morning from a woman who helped another friend have her son (on her 8th IVF cycle!). I know I need to look forward, but looking back is just so sad. PLEASE take care of yourself now, you're fragile and have every right to be! 

Kush


----------



## twiglets (Feb 13, 2008)

*Jo*, did you have a chemical pg before this one? As I saw one on your signature, not that it makes the pain any less of course... Just wondering if you have make sure you get a follow up appointment with your doctor and ask if there`s anything different they can do next time and if there`s any tests they can suggest.

We have booked couple of consultations recently as we are in the process of changing clinics. The dr at one of the consults told me to have 5 blood tests done and DH is having 2 tests done. Although it is nerve racking waiting for the results at the moment, at least we feel that we are doing something more this time round before starting. There are some techniques like assisted hatching that can help implantation as I have PCO the doc said sometimes the eggs of PCO patients tend to have a harder shell and this can make implantation more difficult. I don`t think you have PCO but just giving you an example from myself.

Don`t be too harsh on yourself, as we always tend to blame ourselves more in these situations...

I do know how you are feeling 

*Kush*, we also have been producing good quality embies but nor getting a viable pregnancy for some reason. First, we were told by our previous doctor that we should consider PGS and blasts. I know that not everyone can get to blast stage as we wanted to last time but weren`t able to. We asked about PGS to other clinics and they said they normally do it after 3 failed fresh cycles.

xxxxxx


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

hey

it hasnt been confirmed before that ive had chem pgs before but im sure in my mind that it has happend as it feels just like a few other times when my af was a few days late and the pain was horrid when it came. the symptoms were the same too. i just feel so sad and dont know what to do with myself and keep thinking its my fault and that its just another wall standing in our way to have a baby   

what tests can they do for implantation issues? will the nhs do this? 

no one else understands, they just say 'its a good sign that you can get pg isnt it' but i cant, not really can i


----------



## twiglets (Feb 13, 2008)

Jo,

I know exactly what you mean about the things people say when trying to be reassuring. They said the same things to me after my m/c. But, here we are still with no success  . Even worse, we heard the doctor say along the line of that producing good embies is not enough to get pg sometimes! I wonder what else we`re going to hear next  ... Just when we thought things should be getting easier it seems to get more difficult. Maybe it`s because we`re changing clinics now and I feel lost as we don`t belong anywhere at the mo.

Clinics usually get you to do tests once you`ve had recurrent failed cycles or recurrent m/c`s. After our last cycle the doctor didn`t offer us any further tests. But, at our private consultation the doctor told me to have some tests done. I think the NHS should be able to do some of them but the results usually take longer to come out (depends on what you`re having done), but I didn`t ask my GP for these ones as I wanted them to be done at a clinic on Harley Street in London. I know tests like NK cells are not done on the NHS.

Well the tests the doc got me to do now are: karyotype (for me as DH had his done before), thrombophilie screening, ANA (anti-nuclear antibody test), TNF (Tumour necrosis factor alpha), and antithyroid antibodies. I think all can affect implantation. There may be other ones too. But, everyones situation can be different and definitely ask your doctor if you would like to have some tests this time as it can help put your mind at ease at least.

Feel free to let your feelings out on here as it`s not good for you (us) to keep them bottled up. I`m glad we`re chatting about all this as I feel that we understand each other and its helping me too  

Take care xxxx


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

thanks you roses, i will speak to my gp about what tests i could be entitled to, at least i will feel better for thinking im doing something to combat this cr&p   

am glad that its helping you, even though all ive done is moaned about how i feel! im just feeling a little sorry for myself as all i want is a hug from dh right now   

i hope you get some answers at your new clinic and a lovely sticky bfp too     

jo xxx


----------



## twiglets (Feb 13, 2008)

Why is it so difficult to get a hug from men sometimes and we always end up asking for it??!   

Thank you and hope you get your BFP too.  

xxxx


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

well dh is away at the moment, we went sunday to army cadet camp as we're both instructors and then when i started bleeding i asked to come home. he wanted to come too but i insisted i would be fine and he should stay, even told our boss to persuade him to stay   so thats why i cant have a hug cos i was thinking of everyone else before myself at the time   he may be coming home early though so im hoping he does as i feel like im falling apart right now. am off to the docs shortly to see what can be done about things- trying to be pro-active instead of moping about 

thank you again for the advice and someone to talk to   

xxx


----------



## Kushtaka (Jul 23, 2008)

Oh NuttyJo ~

  How much longer is DH gone?  This is a hard time, and having those who love you and understand is very important.  My sister-in-law came over the day AF arrived so we could cry on the couch together.      It helps!

  First I collapsed, then I started searching, then I started scheduling ~ private consultant appointment to discuss options and possiblities, NHS GP to discuss and request testing, acupuncture to relax and re-focus my poor stressed body.  I feel better now that I'm DOING something.

  Now I just wish I could find a friend to go walking with who isn't pushing a pram.  

  Anyhow, hang in there until he comes home!

Kush


----------



## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

Kushtaka said:


> Now I just wish I could find a friend to go walking with who isn't pushing a pram.
> 
> Kush


that parts the hardest isnt it as everyone seems to be having babies or have them already. i admit that i have lost touch with most of my friends because of it 

the gp yesterday was lovely and listened to how i was feeling, doesnt think i need to go back on anti d's which is good as i was on them for so long it took me ages to come off and i did it so i dont want to be on them again - although i know i would if i really needed them. he confirmed its a complete m/c as nothings left in there - that was hard hearing it confirmed but i feel a lot better today knowing its over. so onwards and upwards, am hoping it was a one off and the start of something good happening 

dh may be coming home sunday but is officially supposed to stay till 8th aug. our boss has said i can go back for the second week if i want and will be given light duties etc as im gutted to be missing out on the canooing and rides in helicopters etc. have missed my favourite which is the shooting though  she said i can let her know sat night and then dh will come home sunday if i dont go there. am feeling like i want to go and get on with things but worried i might be pushing myself too soon  (emotionally cos physically i have been told im fine)

how are you feeling today kush & roses? hope you're both ok and sorry to have moaned for the past few days about how im feeling, it did help loads though! feel free to do the same to me if you need to 

jo xxx


----------

