# What's wrong with me?



## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

Just had my BFN this morning and am absolutely devastated. I've apologised to DH for being a [email protected] wife. I'm in the "why me, what's wrong with me" stage. I'm also angry with my friend who had a beautiful 5 year old and takes her for granted. they go on exotic holidays without her twice a year and she spends most of the time with her grandparents so they can still both live the single life. She doesn't know I've been through ivf as she said that if I was ever thinking of having a baby then she'd have another one so we could do it together. She gets pg at the drop of a hat & I was so worried that if I told her about my ivf she would get pg immediately & I would be left watching her develop if I got a BFN ( which I did)

I'm sorry for my rant. But just so frustrated & angry at the moment. 

I must have been really bad in a previous life.


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## fingers_crossed1982 (Aug 5, 2011)

So sorry for you BFN, we had our third negative result confirmed this morning and it is totally horrendous. I just wanted to assure you that it does get better and it is ok to feel totally down and angry. My suggestion would be to take some time out with your OH, even if it is just going somewhere different for a day, a change of scene might really help clear your head. There is no easy way to deal with other people and their children and I am constantly amazed by how inconsiderate some people can be. 

Give yourself time to get your head around gins and best of luck for the future!

Xxxx


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Just wanted to second that, it does get better, but do allow yourself some time to grieve.   


Wendy


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## Robinson84 (Dec 1, 2011)

Michimoo- just wanted to say a massive sorry and know that your not alone. I also got my first BFN on Mon as af arrived 5 days before OTD  My OTD would have been yesterday. Aww hun you have not been bad at all its just not our turn yet but it will be

Fingers crossed- so sorry for your BFN too  Did they change anything after your first ivf cycle as I too had blast transferrd and BFN.

I feel the same disappointed at my rubbish body for not doing what it should and accepting our embryo 


xxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

michimoo - there is nothing wrong with you and you certainly don't deserve such heartache, you were just horribly unlucky   . Take some time to heal and one day you will be strong enough to try again.

FingersCrossed and Robinson -   to you too. tx sucks.

Wendy   so sorry to see you have another angel. I remember your BFP and was so sure it was your turn


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Thank you Nordikcat, the miscarriage was pretty awful, but no where near the emotional pain of losing a still born baby, I think in a way, losing Matilda made it much easier to cope with the miscarriage. And the positives are that I have now been pregnant twice in three rounds of IVF, that's pretty good going!   Next year, next IVF. MY turn LOL


Michimoo, I hope you're feeling a little stronger. XXXX


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## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

Ladies. Thanks so much for your support. 

One minute I think I'm fine and the next I'm in tears. My DH has just gone to Scotland for 1 week on a training course & I'm now on my own with my thoughts for company! 

I'm not sleeping and my brain is in over drive. I keep dreaming about babies and then waking up. Last night I dreamt that a huge truck turned up and they started unloading baby furniture and we had to send it all back! I don't think I have felt this low in a VERY long time. I don't dare tell DH as I didn't want him worrying whilst he was away. 

I started my AF today and boy is it a killer! They forget to mention that bit.

Robinson - I think we spoke on the first time Ivf thread ( which seems ages ago now) when we first started to D/R. I'm so sorry for your bfn.  

Fingers crossed - was this your first attempt? Sorry for your bfn.  

Nordikat & WEndyKat - sending   & thank you for your comments.

I think what is so sad is that I started a thread with some lovely ladies and we were all very supportive. When anyone was down I cheered them up with my stupid blonde comments. It was like a little family. we were all cycling around the same time & they have all got BFP's apart from me. I am happy for them but kind of feel cheated. ESP when I'm unexplained. I don't even have a reason as to why we can't get pg. 

This is the only place that I feel like I can say what's on my mind without being judged and with people who completely understand.

Thanks again for your support. It's gonna be a tough week without my DH.  

 xxx


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## Chandlerino (Nov 30, 2011)

Hey michimoo - don't forget little old me I was on your thread and got a BFN too!

Haven't been able to post on there or the OFU thread much as was getting a bit jealous of all the happy endings and those who were having their reviews fairly close to their BFNs! I have to wait 6 blemmin weeks and time is not on my side!

Hope you are feeling a little better, as someone else said, it hasn't affected me as much as my missed miscarriage this time last year did and that took 6 months to feel normal again. That said have been crying this weekend because I'm 42 today and if I believe all the stats I may not be a Mum again.

Chin up chuck - feel free to pm me if you need to xx


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## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

Of course Hun I haven't forgotten about you. Sorry was just having a rant.  

You will be a Mum again its not too late at 42 and you have a precious beautiful DD.  

I'm so sorry you have been   on your birthday. 

I know what you mean about the other threads. The problem is you can unbookmark them but if you have posted you still keep getting the update and the only way to get rid is to go into the thread and then you see all the BFP's! 

Sending you big   for your birthday. 

M xxxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Michimoo - I promise the pain does ease. Time really is a great healer and you won´t feel this sad and empty forever ....... especially as one of your cycle buddies has found you now too.


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## Robinson84 (Dec 1, 2011)

Chand- i'm very sorry to hear of your BFN too  

Michimoo- yes we did speak at the beginning. Its so hard staying on the threads with all the BFPs but it will be our turn one day i'm sure

     to everyone

xxx


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## nomi (Jul 14, 2011)

Hey Michimoo,
I. Didn't post very often but I read the threads all the time. I just came across this thread today, I m sorry u feel awful, hope u r feeling better. I just couldn't believe that there was someone who feels same as me about being a bad wife! I got BFN on the 17th feb. DH and I were devastated. I haven't had anyone to talk to so I did the next best thing.....I just smiled and presented everything was ok, not many people knew about our cycle. My 2 best friends and little sister are pregnant at the moment and I didn't really want to talk to them I case they felt bad.. I don't know what to do, I just feel like I'm drowning slowly while trying to be positive. I have buried my head with university work but that's not working either. I want to talk to DH but I dont want him to worry as he travells a lot with work. I'm at a point that I feel I could easily run away, I know it sounds silly, but I have put him through 5 operations with all my problems, we have spent so much time in and out hospitals . I find him so brave to still be here . We have been married 8 years but have been together for 13years.....goodness haven't I just blabbered on!


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## Robinson84 (Dec 1, 2011)

nomi- I'm so sorry to hear about your bfn  I got mine on the 10/02 this month. I started this thread as its so hard to find people to talk to as on the normal cycle buddies threads theres lots of bfps so you feel like you bring everyone down  Its so so hard when everyone around you is pregnant. In the 3yrs we've been trying to concieve mt sil has had two babies and is pregnant with no 3!! It really hurts but its not her fault. You just keep thinking when will it be my turn really. I have been through several ops to and DH has been there every step of the way and it is hard to talk to them but who else can we turn too. Aww hun I really feel your pain and putting on a brave face doesn't always work as sometimes you just have to let it all out and be down right depressed and cry. I've cried everyday this week and when at work which ended up getting sent home. We'll get through it i'm sure    

xxx


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## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

Nomi- your bfn came the day after mine. Sending   
I deliberately didn't test early and because my AF hadn't come I was feeling quietly excited. I even tested again at the weekend as AF still hadn't turned up, to yet again get a bfn. 
AF turned up with a vengeance yesterday and it's horrendous. I didn't sleep a wink last night due to the pain of AF my DH being in SCotland on a training course for the week and the fact that I was bawling my eyes out. I'm sure if the neighbours heard me they would have thought I was being murdered!! 

To top it all off my beautiful fur baby who I've had for 14 years didn't look too well. So I've taken her to the vet this morning and I've got to take her back tomorrow for blood tests but she has chronic kidney failure and I could get some bad news tomorrow afternoon when I get the results back. I have cried all afternoon and I don't want to tell my DH as I don't want him to worry whilst he's on this course. I don't have anyone around as my parents are in Spain on holiday and only a couple of friends know. 
I quit my job 4 months ago to concentrate on this and therefore am driving myself   as I don't have any distractions. I can't go out as my face looks like a puffer fish because I can't stop crying. 
I havent eaten at all today because I feel so sick. 

I know that it might sound silly about me being cut up about my cat. But she is my baby. When I'm upset she sits with me. She's my only company when DH is away and I've had her since a kitten. She follows me around the house and always has to be near me. I can't get a bfn one day and my fur baby taken away the next with no DH around. 

Sorry I just had to get the words out. I've never felt this low in my entire life and don't really know what to do. 



M xx


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## hopefulmom (Feb 18, 2012)

I know how you are feeling. I just went through my first ivf cycle. i poas the day before my beta and got a bfp. Then, my official results came in with low hcg levels. My 2nd beta 2days later showed my hcg rose only 3 points. I had my third beta this morning but I know what to expect, which is why i poured  a big glass of wine at only 11:00 AM to prepare for the call. I haven't been able to eat or sleep for three days. All I do is cry. My DH left town for work yesterday and won't be back til Wednesday. I've been blocking him out because I feel so down that I can't face anyone...even him. This is just unbearable. Don't feel like there's anything wrong with you because I'm in the same boat. Thank goodness for this site so we have a place to get these feelings out and vent. On to drinking my wine and waiting for yet ANOTHER dreadful phonecall with horrible news....


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## nomi (Jul 14, 2011)

Hey ladies...thank you so much for the messages! I'm normally such a positive person. My first cycle I had an infection and ended up in hospital for the last week of the 2ww., so I wasn't expecting a BFP, but this time everything seemed wonky dory perfect, no pains , big and sore boobs.........so thought BFP...when I got BFN I couldn't understand what happened.....I was s close to buying baby name book....thank goodness I didn't.....to make things a little worse for me a friends who wasn't aware of my cycle called excited that they had just found out that they are pregnant. ..
So all day today I decided I will cry and then finally stop today! I will be More positive from today! No more burying emotions..will let them out....had the heaviest AF ever...I think this is normal, right?
Thank you for the thread...let's keep it going and keep each other strong somehow!
Sending you all amazing energy to help you through this journey!


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## fingers_crossed1982 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi all,

Hopefulmum, I'm sorry to hear your news, it is awful when it is all prolonged  

Nomi, hope you are doing ok, it is so hard when everyone else seems to be pg. Is there anyone in your local area on here you could meet up with? I have met some lovely friends on here who keep me sane! 

Michimoo, so sorry to hear about your cat, I hope the results bring better news. I have also decided to take some time away I'm my local thread, they are all lovely ladies but there are just too many BFPs and baby and bump stories at the moment.

Robinson84, no it was our third BFN, two fresh and one frozen. 

Wendycat, it looks like you have been on quite a journey, I hope your next cycle is the one for you  

Chandlerino, I hope you did something nice for your birthday to take your mind off things.

Xxxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Oh  Michimoo   There is nothing you can do other than cry until you are empty. And being upset about your cat is perfectly normal, I'm just so sorry its come right now when you least needed it. My pooch has only been in my life for 2 years so I can only imagine what it feels like after sharing a lifetime together.

If it helps with the loneliness then keep writing on here to let it all out, there will always be somebody to listen. You have to believe me though, I know it feels like the pain will break you, but it won't. You will get through this and you will come out of the other side with strength again. Cry, scream, eat crap, do whatever you need to get through it but you will get through it I promise.


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## Shellebell (Dec 31, 2004)

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=278545.0


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