# Non tx related dilemma - advice needed



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Girls, 

Need some advice - bit of a long story but will try to keep it as short as possible.

At university I had a group of close friends, all of whom studied languages with me and one of whom I was particularly close to - let's call her M. 

M was very much the life and soul of the party for the first couple of years at uni and it took us all a while to realise that she actually had a number of problems, including over dependence on alcohol and drugs, as well as anorexia/bulimia. Whilst the rest of us went off abroad in our 3rd year to improve our language skills, M went to a clinic in Scotland to try to conquer her problems. She has not had a drink of alcohol or touched drugs since, but the eating problems have remained a constant. 

We stayed pretty close for the next few years although our lives took very different paths. I went travelling, got a job, moved to London to flat share with friends etc. She went home to live with her parents, had a series of temporary jobs and suffered periods of intense depression and suicidal tendencies. 

Although we've stayed in touch with b'day/Xmas cards etc we have not seen eachother for over 5 yrs now. The last time we met was very stressful for me. She came to stay, spent the entire weekend indoors drinking black coffee and chain smoking, refused to eat anything, wouldn't go out, and when mutual friends from uni came to visit with their children, she would not come and talk to them but stayed in her room. 

Since that last visit I admit I have tried to put more distance between us. I know it sounds selfish but I just couldn't deal with it - especially not the suicidal letters and outpourings of misery. As much as I want her to have a happy ending, I feel like this has been going on for 20 years now with no resolution and nothing I say or do is going to make a difference. And our lives are just so different now that I don't know what we have to talk about - the last time we met the entire time was all reminiscing about uni - which is fine for a little while but it was 20 yrs ago!

Anyway, long story short, she's been texting me a lot over the last couple of months, saying she wants to meet up and would love to hear more from me etc. I haven't replied to any of the texts. And then I got a birthday card which was basically 2 pages of begging me to get in touch ('have I offended you, I understand if I have but I hope I haven't, you're such a lovely person, I'd really like to see you, you're such a good friend, I hope I haven't upset you, it would be so nice if you wanted to get together' etc etc - for 2 pages...)
I didn't reply to the birthday card either. Now I do feel guilty about this, but I also feel really pressured and a bit angry that she is making me feel so guilty. 

Anyway, today I got an email (she'd got my work email address from another mutual friend) along the same lines as the birthday card.  Granted today is not a good day to do anything given how jet lagged I am, so I'm not going to even think about it right now, but I just don't know what to do. 

Do I reply with a chatty message but just make no reference to meeting up, do I reply and say as kindly as possible that I have lots on my plate at the moment and just don't have time to meet up, or do I not reply at all?

I feel very guilty that I am not being a very good friend. But then I also feel that our friendship was a long time ago and that we have so little in common now, I'm not sure what the point would be in meeting up. And I definitely can't face another weekend like the last one when she came to stay....

If you've managed to read this far I'd love some honest opinions (I can take it!) - am I being a horrible person in not wanting to reply/get back in touch? Or is it OK to distance myself after so long? Do I just not reply to the messages and leave it at that, or do I owe it to her to reply but say that I'm just not in a position to meet up right now?

Thanks girls for any words of wisdom you might have,
Suitcase
x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Suity

Tricky one that.  From a totally distanced perspective, I think you really don't need someone in your life at the moment sucking energy.  You have obviously been a great friend to her when she really needed it, and by the fact that you have lots of friends around you, you are obviously a good and supportive friend to those people who support you as much as you support them, but with M this sounds like it would be very one-sided.  You could take the very honest approach and tell her exactly why you haven't been in touch - might be harsh if she is still having problems...or drop an email and say that you appreciate all her messages but at this moment in time you have a lot to deal with.  Sometimes people leave our lives for a reason and if you haven't seen her for 5 years, there seems little point in doing it now!

Not sure this helps...I would find this situation hard too, but you aren't being horrible, and sometimes you have to do what's right for you - looking out for yourself at times is a good thing especially if you are one of those people who is very generous with their time for others, which I sense you are.

I'm sure others will be able to more eloquent!  

Now get some sleep - you must be very jet-lagged...I feel a bit like that and I've only been to the west midlands for two days.


x


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Hi Suitcase

I have had similar but not as intense, friend I grew up with (neighbour) has over the years said some very hurtful things to me that I wont go into and used other people which is something I do not like, then we kind of lost touch when she got married (I wasnt invited to wedding) was as if she thought she was better than me, better job, better life etc and kept on comparing.  Over the past 18 mths she has text, sent Xmas card and Birthday card asking me to get in touch but I like you have ignored them as I dont want the emotional bagage and cant really forget/forgive the hurtful things she has said and done to me and other people.  My parents still send Xmas cards to her parents so they know im pregnant and will have told her.

I am continuing to ignore with the hope it will go away.

If you feel that you want to get in touch and put an end to it, perhaps discuss a group get together of previous uni friends, by the sound of it she wouldnt be up for that, but it shows you have made an effort.  Plus say that you are very busy at the moment what with work and personal stuff.  It sounds like she has had an awful time of it, but sometimes we have to think about number 1, something im not too good at myself either.  

Hope that helps, 

Take care

Chowy


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Suity, a quick one from me since I've hopped on someone else's laptop...FF truly is addictive...

I am with Claire on this one.  Over the past few years I've gently disengaged with a number of people who I felt did not contribute in a reasonably balanced way to our friendship.  I prefer to be with people who are supportive and positive about life generally - clearly we all have difficult moments in our lives and some times, through illness or financial difficulties for example, these can be longstanding in nature.  However, for me at least, I expect my friends to make an effort to stand up and overcome or push through such issues - with as much support as I can contribute - and I expect no less from myself, again reaching out to these same friends for support and encouragement.  If you don't feel that this individual is able to make efforts to improve her life, and that she is also unable to give you love and support for what you are doing, then perhaps it is time to call things a day.

   

A-Mx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thank you all for your replies, and to those who PM'd me as well - it's much appreciated. 

I think I knew deep down what I needed to do about this before I even posted, it's clear that I cannot maintain a real friendship with M - especially not at this point in my life when there are so many other things to deal with. 
I guess I was more looking for reassurance that I was doing the right thing, and trying to overcome how guilty I feel about cutting her off. And you have given me that - so thank you all.

I have really done my best over the years to help, and to be there but now it just feels like the right time to let go and acknowledge that whilst we once had a good friendship, it was a long time ago and now we have so very little in common and little to offer eachother. 

So I am just going to let the email lie and hope that the message gets through that way. I really don't want to enter into a dialogue about why I don't want to stay in touch/meet up. I think it's easier this way. Of course we have mutual friends and it may be that she then starts asking them what is going on - but let's see. The only one she stays in real touch with, I do not see or hear from except once in a while, and he does not know about the tx etc. Right now I need to concentrate on me and my family, and on getting through this next cycle of IVF...later on let's see, maybe I'll re-establish some contact, but for now I feel that this is the right thing to do and I'm going to try not to feel so bad about it

Thanks again everyone who took the time to reply,
Suitcase
x


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## MistyLake (Jul 7, 2008)

Hi Suity,

Not sure I can add that much to what has already been said (what a collection of wise women we are!). If I draw a parallel to my own life, then I suppose in reality I would behave quite differently to the advise I would give out. My advise would be pretty much what every one else has said, except that I behave very differently....
I have a friend who I have known for about 15 years, and have never quite understood how the connection was made nor how it has lasted really. She sounds every bit as unfortunate as your friend. Over the past year I have been having regular telephone chats/counselling sessions with her....her current problems being...a dreadful family, depression and alcoholism, and more recently desperately needing a family of her own age 39, but no guy around to provide one. Just like your friend she tends to pop up every few years then go out of range for a while. I have to say that I really really feel very sorry for her, and therefore am prepared to spend time talking with her. There have been times when I have actively ended our connection because I have felt that she was abusing me, but she always some how pops back up! She never comes to stay though. 

I guess I have reflected upon our connection and asked myself if it was worth staying in touch. I think that you have to decide if you get anything from the friendship, and if the exchange is a balanced one. If it is entirely one sided then there really is no point, harsh as that may sound. For my friend and I, I do gain something that is worth keeping and so remain periodically in touch. Like A-M however, I have actively chosen to loose contact with people who are what I would describe as 'no good for me' as there is no point in keeping in touch with someone who in some way harms or undermines you. Your life sounds full and happy, and as if you do not need her. On that basis, it's a case of are you prepared to give to someone who doesn't give anything back?

Hope this helps?

R X


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks Misty for sharing your experiences. It sounds like a similar situation in many ways. My friend disappears for long periods, then comes back and wants to be in touch but mostly we either talk about her problems, or we talk endlessly about the past. It's difficult to talk about the present because her life is so different to mine and we have had so very few shared or similar experiences since leaving university nearly 20 years ago. 

I don't feel that she necessarily harms me in any way, although I did cut off contact some years ago when she kept talking about suicide and somehow I felt she was asking me to tell her I was OK with that, and I didn't want to be responsible for that sort of decision in any way. I respect her right to choose, even if it means choosing to end her life, but I want no part of such a decision. 

So it's not that she harms me exactly, just that it's so very draining and especially when I see her in person. And right now I just don't need it, I need positivity and energy....struggling enough to find it in myself right now let alone give it to others. 

I'm going to just let things lie for a while, not reply to the email and see....maybe when I'm through this cycle, and things are going better for my sister, and work is more secure etc, then I'll feel more in a place where I can deal with her, and I'll get back in touch, but for now am going to concentrate on me for a while...

Patterdale - thanks hun, will PM you back

Suitcase
x


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Suitcase

For what it is worth I think you have made the correct decision.

Stay positive for yourself and treat yourself well.

Chowy


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## madmisti (Sep 1, 2008)

Suity - coming a bit late to the conversation but wanted to say that I fully agree with what others have said and the decision you have made. As much as we may hate getting older, it definitely does bring wisdom, and one of those wise things we learn is to be a bit more protective of ourselves. It is hard because it feels selfish and can leave us feeling very guilty, but we all have to look after ourselves as well as others. And there are people who are incredibly needy but don't realy do anything to change that other than keep trying to lean on others and suck them dry.Of course we all have very difficult times when we neeed others and maybe can't give very much, but we have an obligation to ourselves and others to find a way through that.

It sounds as though your friend has been in the 'poor me', helpless victim role for so long that it has come to define who she is and she doesn't seem to be doing much to change that. A person can only be helped by others to a certain extent - the true work needs to be done by themselves.

I agree that entering into a dialogue with her will probably be futile - as sensible and reasonable as you may be in your communications with her, it is likely she will interpret them her own way and you could end up back on a merry go round with her. So, not responding to contact seems to me to be the way to go. And don't feel guilty about this - she has to take responsibilty for her own life at the end of the day.Such a needy person as she appears to be will just keep taking from you, sucking the life force out of you. You have MORE than enough on your plate right now, and you are already giving of yourself in supporting your sister and her family, and your friends I am sure.

So, don't fret over your decision Suity - you are definitely NOT being horrible, or selfish, or any other things you might think. You are just being a wise and caring person - preserving your energies to give to those who respond and are willing to help themselves -and for yourself and you own needs - which right now are to focus on the TTC journey.

From your posts here and PM's, it is evident that you are a naturally giving and generous person - the very fact that you are worrying about this situation shows that too. But we all have limits and you need to keep your energies for being pregnant, apart form anything else!!

Hope you have a lovely weekend and feel suitable restored and rested soon after your gruelling trip.

Love
Misti xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Suity,

Also a bit late, but I think that you have made the right decision too. You already have so much going on around you at the moment, with your family worries, your TTC journey and your job uncertainties.

Take care of yourself

Lou-Ann x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Agh....decided to ignore the texts, emails etc but have now had friend request on ******** (also ignored) and this morning a phone call. I didn't answer (I was on the train so phone was on silent anyway) so she left a voicemail message saying she was really worried about me

Don't get that at all - why would she suddenly be 'worried' about me? We've not been in touch for months and months and now I feel like I'm being bombarded with all these messages etc and I just wish she'd go away and leave me in peace. 

Suspect I am going to have to opt for the more decisive path of replying and saying (somehow nicely although not sure how you do that nicely?) that I just don't think we have anything left in common and we should just let the friendship slide...

Sorry girls, just needed to vent a bit  
Suitcase
x


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Hi Suity,

Sorry to hear that you are being hounded again! I don't believe that she is worried about you, she just wants you to get in touch with her!

I really think that you will have to tell her straight that you don't want contact with her, being firm but as nice as you can, which is possible!! Not easy, I don't envy you. Be firm cos if she can find an out in what you say she will take it at some point! PM me if you want.

Good luck
Bingbong x


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## madmisti (Sep 1, 2008)

S+uity - as if you don't have enough on your plate!  Sure you will find a way to let her know as gently ( but firmly!) as possible that your life is just so busy  and you have a lot of committments and you can't take on another 'relationship' because you have nothing left to give. She obviously is totally self absorbed and unable to get the message that most sane people would from your lack of replies etc- you are right to steer clear - don't have a moment of guilt over this honey  

Love
misti xx


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## sunnygirl1 (Jun 12, 2007)

Suity, what a pain.  You have much more important things to concentrate on without having your 'friend' draining all of your energy.  You have to tell her firmly though so that she understands that you are not interested in her friendship.  It is always horrible when you think that you are going to hurt someones feelings though, thats why I have been rubbish at dumping ex's even though you know you should!!

You should not feel remotely guilty about her at all.  You have spent a lot of time and energy with her in the past and now it is time for her to take responsibility for herself.

Look after yourself and good luck

Sunny xx


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Suity,

I know that it is tempting to fluff it up as much as possible and like Rose said to say that the odd letter etc would be nice, but unless you mean this then be careful cos it sounds like she will misread that and not hear the rest of what you say and will think that you mean a letter every month! 

As said she is trying to manipulate you and will jump on any thread of possible contact. I think that the suggestion of saying that you have moved on etc and that you hope that she is well but you don't want any contact is a good idea.

It is hard, and so not what you need right now. Good luck!

Bingbong x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks again girlies for all your advice and support. I haven't done anything about it just yet, but I am intending to send an email over the weekend. Am determined not to call or text as I want her to think she has the wrong mobile number (can't change my number because it's my work phone and don't want to encourage her to call or text...)

I'm seeing mutual friends of ours from uni on Fri night for dinner, so I'm going to have a little chat with them and see if she's been in touch with them at all or whether it's just me that is getting bombarded. 

I am very clear in my own head where my priorities lie, and right now they are with the tx and with my family, and that's where I am going to focus. Hugely relieved to find out today that will not be made redundant (at least in this round of redundancies, who knows what may happen in the future of course...but for now it's like a huge weight has been lifted) so that's one thing I don't need to worry about...and I'm not going to replace one worry with another  

Thanks again for all your support, it really means a lot. I am still struggling with the feelings of guilt, which I guess is only natural, but I feel much better knowing that you are all out there backing me, so big   to you all,

Suitcase
x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

good news about the job Suity....and although its hard (I'm rubbish at these things) I think she needs to be binned  

Maybe the we've noting in common, good luck with your future, approach is a good way forward.  She's sucking energy from you without you even seeing her so you definitely don't need anymore contact.

Sending lots of  , you deserve a change in luck very very soon.

xx


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## sunnygirl1 (Jun 12, 2007)

Great news about the job Suity.  Thats one less thing to worry about  

Sunny xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Oh dear....just kept hoping I could ignore her and she'd eventually get the message. 

Then last night I had dinner with some mutual friends and they said she'd been in touch with them asking about me - was I OK, what was my number etc. Fortunately she did it by email so they just haven't replied. 

And then this morning my mum rang to say she'd just had a call from her....I hadn't actually told my mum about it but bless her she knew not to pass on my home phone number or anything and just told her that I was totally fine but super busy with work, travelling a lot etc, she barely saw me with all the dashing around etc etc...
Apparently M was telling my mum she has been contacting all our mutual friends asking if I'm OK - WHY?

I'm now so angry I want to write her a really blunt email telling her to leave me alone. I feel like I'm being stalked - it's a horrid feeling. But I know it would be a mistake to write when so angry as I may say things I will regret afterwards, so I'm going to wait a day or two and then reply with a brief note saying that I'm fine but too busy to meet up. Just not sure how to find the right words. 

Just when I thought she'd got the message....and then she starts calling my mum - I mean really, what do I have to do to make it clear that I don't want to be in touch at the moment?

AGGHHH! Sorry girls, just had to let that out - again!
Suitcase
x


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## Elpida (Feb 11, 2008)

Hi Suity

Why don't you email her saying that you've not been in touch as things are really hectic for you at the moment, you know she's been in touch with your mum etc and thank her for her concern, all is fine just very busy, you hope she's enjoying the spring sunshine!

And leave it at that? She may reply but you've 'reassured' her that you're ok without requesting anything of her

E x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks E - good suggestion

Just need to find the right words to say that I don't really want to be in contact but without sounding like a right selfish cow  

Going to leave it a day or two as my mum told her I was out of the country at the moment, will reply from Brno next week (when I really will be out of the country) but that sounds like a good line to take...just need to find a way to end the email to make it clear that I really just want to be left in peace....

I really do wish her well, I just don't want to get caught up with her and her problems again now. 

She's recently joined ******** and is now friends with lots of our mutual friends, so that's kind of spoilt ******** for me too - I'll now have to be even more careful about what I say there. She hasn't sent me a friend invite, if she does I'll ignore it, but I think she can still see comments I post on mutual friends' pages though...

Silly to be getting so worked up about this I know, but it's really got to me for some reason  

Suitcase
x


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## Elpida (Feb 11, 2008)

I think the problem with being direct and saying that you don't want contact is that then opens up the opportunity for it to become about her - what has she done? How can she resolve it? etc etc.

Try not to think about it - it's so draining, I know.

E


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## chloe99 (Aug 27, 2008)

"Do I reply with a chatty message but just make no reference to meeting up, do I reply and say as kindly as possible that I have lots on my plate at the moment and just don't have time to meet up, or do I not reply at all?"

sorry not to have read all the other replies, but I would go for option 2 in this case (except I would not say not enough time as it's not quite true).

She definitely needs professional help.  And yes, she does needs friends and support.  But that friend does not HAVE to be you.  I've had these kinds of friends myself (but nowhere near as troubled as your friend) and the best decision I have made is to know when enough is enough for me.  You cannot risk your own welfare for your friend's needs.  I dont mean dont do anything for her and dont ever go the extra mile to help someone, or live your life as a selfish person.  But only YOU know how much you can reasonably bear at any time.  Some people are very unaffected by these kinds of things, others are just not the "man for the job".  The key is knowing when it is time to duck out, having done the very best you can so that you can do so with a completely clear conscience.

Hope you get it sorted.

xx


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## MistyLake (Jul 7, 2008)

Hi Suity,

Send her a kind email, saying that you appreciate her concern for you, but that you are very busy at the moment and having trouble keeping up with your close friends let alone old contacts. Say you really wish her well, and may be in touch in the future once you have dealt with a few issues in your life. You will find that when you get pregnant, despite potential illness associated with the pregnancy, you will have sooooo much more head space, and perhaps feel more able to give. Good luck with her.

R X


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## carnivaldiva (Feb 9, 2009)

Dear Suity

I really think that now is your time to be selfish.  You have too much on your plate and the whole process of deciding to go through treatment, having treatment and unsuccessful past treatments takes a lot out of us, without being drained by others around us.  

It's taken me a long while to come to the conculsion that right now is my time.  I know I keep forgetting and every now and thenI find myself pandering to others, but I feel that I haven't got the time to be around people who are constantly draining me with their negativity.

Maybe send her a card and tell her that right now is not a good time for you.  Wish her good health and happiness.  Don't necessarily shut yourself off from her, but concentrate on what you need for you first.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks Carnivaldiva

I just find it so weird that after years of nothing but b'day/xmas cards and the occasional casual text, suddenly I am being bombarded with texts, emails, cards, and she's calling/emailing my friends and family asking what's wrong with me, and how I am and so on. Odd odd odd. Really I wish her well, but we were friends 15+ yrs ago and since then it's really been little more than the occasional contact, and we haven't actually seen eachother in over 5 years. I just don't see the point in trying to re-establish some sort of deep and meaningful friendship after all that time....

Anyway, I have sent her a brief email saying thanks for her messages, that all is well, I am well and happy and just very busy, but nothing to worry about. And then wished her well but no mention of meeting up or talking soon or anything like that. 

I hope it ends there - if not I will possibly have to be even more blunt about it but I would like to avoid that as we do have other mutual friends and I don't want this to get all blown out of proportion. Despite my endless posting about it (!), this isn't such a big deal for me at all. Friendships come and go and as far as I'm concerned this one went the way of an annual Xmas/b'day card a long time ago and there's nothing to re-kindle. I wish her well but I don't see a point in us meeting up again and I don't want to go over old ground or discuss it - it's just what it is, we once had lots in common, now we don't. The end

Anyway, let's hope the email sorts it out
Thanks again everyone for the supportive comments and input,
Suitcase
x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

oooh suity...isn't it tempting to just email her this...

"we once had lots in common, now we don't. The end"

  You so don't need it....hope the email does the trick..
x


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## carnivaldiva (Feb 9, 2009)

Well not to take away from your situation Suity, but the year before last a very good male friend of mine offered to be my sperm donor.  I was thinking of fertility treatment, but hadn't told anyone.  He was very persistent and I thought 'At least I know him'.  Anyway, off he went to LWC for his initial tests and we both received counselling.

I introduced him to a female friend of mine and I told her that he was going to be my donor.  She said she was OK with it, but after a while it became obvious that she wasn't OK.  So I had my treatment and told them both when I was pregnant that I used an unknown donor.  Well about a month later all hell broke out.  For some reason she started spreading rumours saying that it wasn't an IVF pregnancy and that I was lying about the father.  Her boyfriend (the guy I was going to use as a donor) then rang me up saying that he was very disappointed and felt cheated that I didn't use him and the fact that his girlfriend (my friend) was upset was not an issue.

The whole incident really upset me.  The fact that two people that I've known since my teens and I thought were my friends could be so unsupported.  She didn't want him to be the biological father of my child anyway and I thought  was doing the right thing for their relationship. My dog had just died and on top of being pregnant I had to deal with all of their crap too.

When miscarried neither of them were there for me or offered any support.  He's text me a couple of times this year, but I've decided that I really don't need or want any of their negative energy dragging me down, so I've ignored his text messages.

I don't hate them, but my time right now is limited.  I need good vibes and energy.  Sometimes I miss him (more than her) as we had some fab times together and maybe in the future we can rekindle our friendship.  Treatment is stressful enough, let alone life,  without taking on even more.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Oh Carnivaldiva, how awful for you    

Much much worse than my old friend who has done nothing but irritate me a little bit really. So sorry to hear that when you needed them 2 close friends let you down so badly

Totally understand the need to focus on good vibes, good energy and good people right now - hope you have lots of them around (other than all of us of course  )

Much love,
Suitcase
x


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Hi

I had an ex of mine and a friend offer their sperm but after alot of thinking I knew it would cause trouble somewhere down the line.  I ruled out my ex as all he wanted was me back and my friend also didnt really want to be just friends and I felt this was his way of trying to be more involved in my life.  I am glad I decided upon a complete stranger to be my babies donor.

We all seem to be the kind of people who do alot of giving naturally and there comes a time that we have to think about ourselves.

Suity hope the e-mail worked.  I wonder if somehow she has found out about your trying to conceive, could that be a possibility for why she is trying to get involved in your life again?

Chowy


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Chowy - maybe...most of our mutual friends know I am having IVF.  I don't really mind one way or another whether she knows really, I just know from past experience that she completely drains me and at the moment that's the last thing I need (feeling drained enough as it is!)

No response to my email yet, hopefully this means the message has been received and she will cease 'stalking' me for a while (obviously not as bad as a stalker but you know what I mean, just feels like I am being pressured...)

Suitcase
x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Chowy and carnivaldiva- Interesting to hear about others views on using a known donor.  I wouldn't have it any other way, but maybe it is different as my donor is a gay man, although in a relationship.  My friend was going to TTC using her falt mate as her sperm donor, but then he got a gf and she was keen , she was in her late 40's and kept saying to him (in front of my friend) 'It'll be so nice when your baby comes and we can do X and Y with them' so she heard the alarm bells ring and went to LWC and had an anon donor as well.

L x


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