# Starting over on my own



## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

Well, I didnt think i would be writing on this board.

I was diagnosed with pcos due to irregular and sometimes nonexist periods when I was 18 (12 yrs ago), at the time I just took the BC pills are prescribed and carried on with life. Fast foward 2007 and I married my lovely husband. We didnt TTC straight away, but after a year nothing happened.  This is when everything went downhill. 

We went through GP/fertility clinics, he was fine - but after many investigations I found out that I wasnt ovulating properly and my tubes were blocked! I was completley gutted, i even offered to leave my husband so that he can have a family.

We had 2 rounds of IVF, I had 1 embie the first time and 2 the second - both being unsucessful. Then at the end of 2012 - i was told I had hyperplasia and had to stop all treatment - so 2013 was the year of multiple ops and MRI to rule out cancer.  So finally in Dec - i got the all clear, i was escatic beyond words.....

A week later, my husband told me he doesnt want to wait anymore and he wanted children sort asap. So now 3months later - he asked me for a divorce. I have never been so heart broken in my life.

Now I am on my own, still on this rollacoaster...I decided to get a second opinion and have my final lap & dye test and hysterscopy booked in 2 weeks.  I cant believe I am doing this, and on my own!


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## melloumaw (Feb 2, 2012)

i dont have any words
but just wanted to send you  
mel x


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Sophie 
Sorry to hear you are having to start out on your own but you are not alone there are lots of us over on the singles thread where you will find some great support.  Don't give up on your dreams.
Good Luck 
TC x


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

thank you for your messages, i dont know whats hit me worst - the infertility or the divorce


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## CHOCOCHINE (Mar 11, 2013)

sophiekh so sorry to here your news, i have had treatment on my own, as my partner didn't want to be involved but he has just split up with me. i knew this might be the case but it is gutting after 13 years. i just thought as you go through the process it does get easier.


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

choco - thanks for your kind words, i never dreamed that this would break us...Im glad to see your signature - all the best for tomorrow.

The thing is, we are both desperate for the same thing A FAMILY! but after 4yrs of ttc its over.


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Sophiekh

I really don't know what to say, after all you have suffered through to leave you in such a callous way speaks volumes about the integrity for your H (no D) or lack thereof!

I understand that you offered this as an option to him when you were first trying but even so.

Question for you would you have left him if it had been a problem with him?

Our issues are with us both but at the beginning it was only my DHs diagnoses we had, leaving him was not an option for me!

I think you are very brave to carry on trying by yourself and again this speaks volumes about what a brave and courageous woman you are!

You are not on your own, you have all of your FF here to support you and offer you advice and a place to let off steam if you want to!

I'm truly sorry that this has happened to you surviving this will make you a better parent in the future however it happens for you!

Many hugs!

Pudding
X


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Sophie,

My heart goes out to you and what happened to for better or worse?  Let's hope that any future girlfriends he gets, he gets a Fertility MOT done first and then can dump them if they fail it.

I can't add much else, but I am sure that things will work out in the future for you and that your dreams do come true.

X


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

This is the one thing I do not understand, i was given the all clear in Dec and booked to start IVF in April 14 - we only had to wait a few months and then if it didnt work i would have left him so that he can start a family he really wanted.

The thing is hes not a bad person, I mean we had our ups and downs but i never thought that we were be here now - I should be getting ready for egg collection about now :-(


You are right, there is no guarantees that the next woman he meets will be uber fertile either, but hes willing to give up us. 

At the moment I just looking to get a second opinion on my condition, I can't have a child on my own due my religious beliefs and I would like to be in loving/stable relationship aswell.

Worst thing of all, I still love him :-(


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## melloumaw (Feb 2, 2012)

sophie im not trying to excuse his behaviour, but could the stress of it all just been too much
might he have just needed a time out but being a man it hasnt been expressed properly, maybe he needs counselling. you have both been through so many ups and down recently
i really hope things work out for you


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## Jeet (Mar 1, 2010)

Sorry to jump in.Hi all, I am here again after 2 years. Needed some advice on my current situation. I am about to start a FET . I have had stage 4 endo and had two ops and the last lap was 6 months ago. I have been told that mild endo has come back and they would like another lap before I start my Fet. Anyone has had similar experience ? Any thoughts will be appreciated?
11:44 Not sure if I should just go for the FET and not bother with lap.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Sophie
as someone who has had to come out of various relationships because my partners at the time didn't want kids, I can only say that your DH will probably be kicking himself not so far down the line.
Most women would be extremely suspicious of someone recently divorced who desperately wants a baby with just any woman; unless he sets himself up as a sperm donor/co-parent he will find himself alone most probably. And if he does chose one of those options, he's not guaranteed any meaningful interaction with his kid.
You CAN do this on your own (after all, you're the one with the womb) and there ARE men who will still want to be with you, no matter how you come by your little one. Two rounds of treatment isn't really a lot, so your ex sounds like he was just prepared to stick around for the 'good times' and you still have time on your side. He is being extremely naive and his behaviour is an insult to you.
Just think how he would have been a useless support for you in years to come - having a family isn't always an easy ride and it wouldn't just be you who suffers but also your children. You're best rid of him - even if he does have some sort of underlying condition such as depression or whatever, if he refuses to seek help and just walks out, good riddance xxx


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

Well I have asked about going for counselling, he wasnt very interested in that.  I know that he was really stressed about this, not that he mentioned this to me.  I guess when he started to distance himself from me I should have seen the warning signs.

The worse thing is now im experiencing morning sickness, not due pregnancy, but stress! I wish it was pregnancy - that I wouldnt mind!


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Sophiekh

This will sound really trite but you really are better off without him, and its better to find out now rather than later!

I've been thinking of you and wanted to send you a big hug, it will get easier you just need to stay strong for yourself!

Pudding
x


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## queenie81 (Nov 21, 2013)

Hi Sophie, wanted to offer hugs and to say that although you may feel.alone you aren. I would keep.going to see the counsellor on your own if you can, mine has helped.me through problems with my DH including when he walked out for six weeks (a.week after being told that I needed a lap.to remove possibly both of my fallopian tubes) 

The thing is, and I know it is hars to hear, but you are better off without him, you deserve better. Yes he wanted children but what about other options...adoption, further IVF etc he could have stuck around to try those. 

If I was you I'd give myself some time to heal, treat myself and show him exactly.what he is.missing. You can be strong and do it for yourself. 

Goodluck, I.will be thinking of you x


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## Roadlesstravelled (Apr 3, 2010)

Hi Sophie
Just wanted to say that the same thing happened to me with my partner.  We had a mmc at 12weeks and then started IVF when all my tests came back as poor fertility.  After one round of IVF which was a BNF he left me as he couldn't handle the stress and wanted it to happen normally eg meet a girl have a baby...... not have to go through the stress of tx.  After nearly 2 years of dating absolute losers and weirdo's I had an epiphany that in todays day and age I didn't need a man and a baby was in fact far more important to me.  I now have an amazing daughter who it the light of my life and will be 1 next week and she has bought me more joy, love and happiness than any man has in my life!  You can do it on your own if you want to go down that path but take some time to think about your next step.

big hug and you will be fine for sure!!!!!!!


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

Thank you ladies, you are right.  Im starting to think the foundation of our marriage is not very good at all. 

I know alot of people who have been married years and not have children but are still together - they really must love each other. And thats it, i wasnt good enough for him, thats why we are where we are now.

He says he feel lied and cheated too as I didnt tell him about my pcos.  I know I made a mistake in not telling him, but I was young when I was diagnosed and didnt understand the severity of pcos.

im not looking forward to my operation at all now


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Sophie
PCOS is not a diagnosis of infertility. Most women with PCOS eventually go on to have a family, just look at Victoria Beckham and other famous 'victims'!

What if there was something wrong with him, and he didn't know about it - what a ridiculous thing to say to you, and you're not going to regret getting rid of him in the long run. Everyone needs someone kind and supportive by their side, not some selfish oaf.

Best of luck with your op! xxx


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

I still blame myself for not being more proactive, my periods were very irregular - as i would only have a couple a year. I just assumed that taking BC pills would help. Doctors dismissed my concerns on how this would affect fertility - because I wasnt actively trying to get pregnant.

I had no idea about ovulation and keeping track of it, didnt take really know how much my diet was effecting my body. 

I think if my tubes were not blocked I may have had a chance to concieve, I wanted to get my tubes unblocked by the NHS wouldnt offer this - classed as being high risk (probably the fact it costs more than IVF is the really reason)

If it was the other way round, I do believe I would have stayed with him and exhausted all the avenues we can.  I would go back to him now in heartbeat if he asked me too...But he has told me there is no way he would ever reconsider 

The hardest thing is feeling that I am no worth staying with because my infertility


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## littlecat83 (Nov 7, 2013)

Hi Sophie

Just wanted to stop in and give you massive hugs . Your situation made me feel tearful and I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this on your own. I'm sorry, I know you still love your husband but he sounds the pits! What a selfish man! And you ARE worth staying with, it's him that's not worth the time. You sound like a lovely lady and you deserve to have someone who will love and support you no matter what.

When I found out about my partner's infertility I didn't think of leaving him even for a minute. Yes I wished things were different and yes I wished that he was fertile and yes I wished that we didn't have to go through IVF and that we could easily have a big family but I didn't blame him. That isn't what marriage is supposed to be about. It's about caring, supporting, sharing and facing challenges together. We went through all the options, even through to if things didn't work out and we would consider donor sperm and adoption. Even after that we realise that the most important thing in life is having each other and that there is still a big wide world out there to discover, with or without a family.

It is SUCH a shame that your husband can't see that and shame on him for making you feel that you are not good enough. How awful! Broodychick is quite right, lots of women conceive with PCOS. You will just need a little help!

Take some time out, be kind to yourself, spend time with friends and family, get yourself in a good strong place mentally and then see how you feel. You're only 30! Still relatively young in terms on IVF and fertility and I'm sure there are lots of options out there for you. You could also consider surrogacy and adoption down the line if it is right for you. I read a lovely, funny blog which I found very inspiring and gave me hope that, if our treatment doesn't work, there are lots of other options out there. I think even if our treatment is successful we will still look at adoption as there are so many children out there that need a home.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/06/adopting-baby-from-china-julia-sweeney

Also, don't rule men out of your life and the chance that you will meet someone lovely, supportive and wonderful who you can make a family with, whichever direction it takes you.

Good luck with your tests and investigations, stay strong and take one step at a time

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## bailey434 (Jan 23, 2014)

Hi Sophie

I've been reading this thread for a while but feel that I have to offer some support. This man has treated you badly and it is still very recent and raw. I would definitely suggest you carry on with the counselling as this will help in the longterm even if you don't feel like it is helping as you go along. 

PLEASE don't feel that you are not worthy of this man due to your infertility, he is not worthy of you if at any sign of something not being 100% he just bolts! As others have said, what if the issue had been with his fertility, or any other health concern for that matter?!

Not many people pay attention to differing conditions when they are younger and as you said not many doctors tell you at that time what implications it may have on future fertility, so that is a really unfair of him to say that.  Some people really can't deal with anything not being perfect and you do have to consider how he would have reacted if anything had gone wrong in the future. I am doing this IVF thing on my own and I wish I had bitten the bullet earlier rather than waiting around trying to meet 'Mr Right', so please don't feel like you are on your own because there are a lot of us around on the boards who are going through treatment too who can offer you support.    
xx


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## bailey434 (Jan 23, 2014)

On another point, my Mum has PCOS and was told (in the 70's) that they wouldn't ever be able to have a baby and as IVF wasn't available then, they adopted me at 6 weeks old. 17 months later my sister arrived (naturally) and so this goes to show that PCOS ladies DO conceive and even if they don't they have options that will allow them to have the child/children they always dreamed of.

Hang in there
xx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Bailey - LOVE the story about your mum!
It just goes to show that often doctors talk a load of old bull. Everyone is different, but even I was told in the 1990s that I would need to have kids before the age of 30 if I wanted them, which put undue stress on a lot of relationships and led to me becoming a SMC too...
However I want to encourage everyone on this 'lonely road' not to give up hope that Mr Right will make an unexpected appearance, it happened to me and we're very happy


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

thank you ladies, im hoping my operation next week will be some definitive answers...so that I can explore my options properly, the poor man i meet next has a large file to read!!


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Sophie - that 'poor man' won't have a bunch of paperwork on his mind when he meets you, he will be mesmerized by your eyes, personality and inner strength  Lucky him! xx


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## bailey434 (Jan 23, 2014)

Thanks Broodychick, my mum is not the most tactful of people but she did say recently that in a way she is glad IVF wasn't fully developed at the time she would have needed it as she wouldn't have got me if not!  

And I also agree about what you said about not giving up, I've not given up hope, just made a concious decision to go for what I want and then when I meet someone they will know that I have a child and will be the kind of person who is fine with that  

Sophie everyone and I mean everyone, has some kind of baggage that comes with them, that's what makes us who we are and makes us stronger and more focused on what we truly want. It's how you deal with someone's past that makes you a better person. If you have any relaxation CD's then I would encourage you to listen to them, even if you feel they are not helping they will be on a subconcious level.


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

One door closes, another one opens. God is great and that man doesn't know what awaits him in life. After all,  our religion teaches us that the best thing in this world is a pious wife whereas the children are worldly decorations that have been lent to us. Continue with your life and don't look back.  I know that it's difficult now, but time heals the pain. People come and go.


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

thank you ladies for the replies - I know things will be better in the future. I refuse to give up on my dream.


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

Hey ladies I thought I'd update you on what's happening. So here I lie with a fanatics  view of big Ben,  am in I plush 5* hotel..no! I'm in hospital as my operation was partly abandoned.  

So yesterday was d day for me...my last investigation into infertility.  They were able take biopsy,  but there was too much scar tissue to investigate tubes and ovaries.  I need to clarify with Dr's in morning as I out if it. She did mention something about xray. .so that's the next step I think.

My blood pressure is borderline so they kept in me...was not prepared for that :-(


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

HI Sophie, hope you get some answers and can go home soon!
In the meantime, enjoy being looked after and the view. I spent around 2 weeks in hospital last year and there are always things that can cheer you up despite the tough situation x


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

Hi
Well I was allowed to come home the next day. The consultant called yesterday and booked me in for hsg. Doing another lap was not possible. I think I just want a honest answer from them regarding my chances of ever conceiving.


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

So its been a rough week since the hopital appointment,  I feel really drained - emotionally! 

My love for my husband is still there, after 6 years of marriage I dont know how I can forget.
My desire to have a family is still there.


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Awh Sophie sorry you are having a hard time.  I wonder if like me you have to follow your dream so you never have regrets.  I know you said your religion prevents you having a child on your own: would your religion prevent adoption or fostering on your own ?  Or would your husband go with you for couples counselling if you still feel.there is something to salvage here? 
TC x


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

I understand your feelings, but I will tell you that you or anyone else needs another party as much as another party needs you. So, if he doesn't need you, you shouldn't need him!
The sooner you turn the page, the better. God willing, God will give you something better! Just pray and don't lock yourself in the house! Find a hobby or something that fulfills you.


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