# new to the adoption road - questions to mums who have adopted



## Illy

Hello there,


After a long time of tx, I come to accept that I won't have my biological child and thinking of adopting.  I had the info evening and start the prep course in November.
I wanted to ask all the mums who adopted, how you found the Homestudy, references and medical examination and if you have any tips. 
Also is your child or children in contact with the biological mother?  How do you find that emotionally?
Did it take long to bond with the child?  Did your family accept the child as yours?
Sorry to ask so many questions.  Just like to hear your experience.
I'm quite excited but very nervous.


Many thanks
blume


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## Dame Edna

Hi Blume

To answer your questions ....

Home Study - I enjoyed it!  It was the 'easy' bit  . If you are open and honest then you will get on just fine  . It also helps if you get on with your SW.

References - the ref checks were very thorough and one of the most stressful parts as you have no control over what people say    Choose your referees wisely, if you suspect that someone may say something silly then don't choose them!  Our referees were all great but I do know that issues can come to light once referees are contacted and 'spill the beans'!  . You will need quite a few references and if you have had a significant previous relationship then the SW will want to contact them too via questionnaire.

Medical - no problems for either of us.  They do vary.  Mine didn't seem that thorough but maybe they tailor them to your medical history and are more thorough if you have had problems.  You have to pay for the medical, can't remember how much but it is a small price to pay all things considered.

Contact - most adopted children have once yearly letter contact, which is a letter from the adopter to the BM/BF it is not from the child.  There is also sometimes a one off face to face meet with BF....  Contact is an emotive issue and to be honest the longer I have DS, the less I want to 'share' him with the birth parents.  I am not looking forward to writing my first letter but I am doing it for my DS and at the end of the day it is all about what is best for him  . I have no experience of my child having face to face contact.  We said we wouldn't consider children who needed this type of contact, personally I would not be able to cope with that but it works for some  . It is usually older kids who have face to face contact.

Bonding with child - it is an ongoing process ..... and a lovely one.  The bond I have for DS after a year is completely different than the feelings I had for him in the very early days.  I thought he was really 'cute' but at first it felt like a very hard job with no leave and no matter what your child care experience is, being a mum 24/7 is a SHOCK!  Now, although still hard work, it is all so worth while and we love our DS as any BM would  

Family accepting the child - for us, absolutely and completely.

To sum it up.  Be true to what you feel you can cope with (it's always harder than you imagine).  If the child is right for you and your family, you will have no regrets.

Good Luck
DE


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## Illy

Thank you so much Dame Edna (love the name) for your story.  I'm a bit nervous, but at least I will know more after the prep course. I'm not sure if I can cope with face to face contact with the BM.  I think this is where I stumble the contact with the BM.  Even with the writing a letter once a year... well I take one step at a time and see where it will lead me.  I feel a bit down today and not sure if I'll be able to cope.


Do you have any support from other adopter parents?


Blume
x


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## Dame Edna

Yes, just take one step at a time 

As for support, we have lots.  We made friends during our prep course who we still see regularly.  We have also met other adopters along the way, it's quite easy to make friends with other adopters (providing you 'click' with each other of course), as you have so much in common  . It's especially good if your friends children are similar ages to yours .....

You will also receive post adoption support from your agency which generally involves socials and more 'serious' support if you need it. Your SW is on hand and provides regular visits to support you after you have your child placed ....

You will not be on your own  . 

If you are undecided about it all then just go along to the open evening with an open mind, go along to the prep course as it is designed to help you come to a decision.  You are under no pressure to continue if you decide it is not for you.  You make a commitment once you put in your official application which is after prep group and before you are allocated a SW for home study.

Good luck
DE X


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## Illy

Hi again,


For some reason the LA want the application before we start with the prep course. Have you heard that from others?  I suppose it is good if we want to go ahead the processing of the form might be quicker.  
Not so sure if adoption is not for us and they start contacting for references.
I might have to contact them to get reassurance.  Last thing I want is that DH ex gets contacted before we've made up our mind.   


Thanks again for your advice


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## Dame Edna

Hey Blume  

DS is in bed all tucked up and cosy   so I can drop you a quick reply (I'll drop you a quick PM too as I think you sound like me before I took the plunge!) ....

Just to say, LA's do differ but all I will say (pubilically  ), is that when we had our initial visit from the SW Manager we told her we were keen to learn more on the prep course before we made the decision and she was impressed with that!  How can you make a life changing decision without all the information you need  

I would say if your LA is wanting you to apply before the prep course then just do it!  If you go on the prep and decide it is not for you then you can tell them that now you know more, it is not for you .... you are not under a contract!  All I would say is that once you begin home study (after prep) then the LA invest a lot of time and money in you so it would be a shame to pull out then.  

I'll drop you a quick PM  
X


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## sallydon

Hi Blume,

I am adoptive mum of two children.
I found the homestudy etc fine and we were lucky to have a lovely SW.  You can pull out at any time so it's always worth asking yourself 'what's the worse that can happen?'.
Regarding the bonding process, it's not easy to give a straightforward answer.  A level of bonding came quickly but it grows and develops over time and sometimes it is tested!
My family wider family have not always bonded with my children as well as I'd hoped, but then some have connected with them really well.  I've come to learn that it is our children's bonding with the two of us that matters most and maybe the rest will come later.
I write and blog about adoption and if you are interested you can google me 'Sally Donovan blog' or click by the side of my name.
Good luck, it's an exciting ride!
Sally


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## Tulipwishes

Hi,

Prep course I loved, home study I hated and found it very intrusive. The medical examination was easy as were the references. The panel was okay, but me being so scared and nervous didn't help, I think the more honest you are the easier everything is.

I loved my daughter from the moment I saw her, but for a really deep love to develop, the sort of love where you would die for someone, it took about six months.

My family bonded straight away and you would never believe now that my daughter isn't related to them by blood.

I hope that helps.

Good luck xx


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