# silly pre adoption wibble...did you ever feel like this?



## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

a bit of background. mr c and i have been TTCing for nearly four years. we've had two IVFs, both BFNs. we've been told due to my vacuolated (cratars in) eggs, the chance of IVF working are slimmer than most - the embryos just stop developing really. we got a second opinion and made the decidion to move on. i've always been very pro adoption as i work for the police and feel so sorry for children in poor households or in care. mr c was never anti, but wanted to try for our own first, which we've done, and he's happy to leave it behind. so we are both happy with this decision

however...

my AF has just been three days late. i'm usually as regular as clockwork and have had probably four or five early or late AFs in nearly four years. so while practically and realistically i knew there was more chance of mr c being pregnant than me, a small part of me started thinking 'gosh...could i be _that_ woman? the one who decided to adopt and got pregnant the month before because the pressure was off/she'd stopped thinking about it/she'd finally relaxed (etc etc)'

so when AF arrived this afternoon i was more than a little gutted... 

the problem i'm having is that i feel somehow disloyal to adoption just by _thinking_ this. it's a bit ironic as just a few days ago i was mooting going back on the pill (as i get quite painful and heavy periods) and you can't really be less commited to wanting a biological child than taking contraception.  but i'm just worrying, am i deep down still hankering for my 'own' child?

or is this natural for an infertile woman? do you never 100% stop wishing things could have been different? i know i will never 100% be 'over' losing my embies as these were the nearest i ever got to having a child. thinking of them will always make me sad. but i don't want an adopted child to replace them...it's something i've always considered long before IVF was ever mooted.

i wasn't seriously thinking i was pregnant really...and nor was i fantasising about having a baby. i was just thinking how cool it would be to be 'that' woman. and how chuffed everyone would have been. 

i really really still want to adopt, i'm not seriously disappointed i'm not pregnant. but it has still given me a wibble.

did anything like this ever happen to you? how did you overcome it?


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi Katie


Adoption wibbles are very common - I think most of us have experienced them.  It's natural to feel a bit nervous and wobbly, it's life changing stuff, you are bound to feel a bit like that.    It shows you are committed, that you are taking things seriously and thinking things through. 


You never get "over" infertility, you just learnt to life with it.  Feelings regarding infertility are likely always to bite you on the backside when you least expect it - we are 4 years into our adoption journey and still it hurts but I've learned to cope with it and now I have my beautiful children I can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way.


I'm not infertile (as far as I'm aware) but DH is, I've never had embies or been pregnant.  They say you don't miss what you've never had - so not true.  


As for heavy AF, I had this too.  I made a concious decision not to go back on the pill for a year after we discovered our infertility and found that helped me grieve.  I had a monthly reminder rather than being on the pill and wondering "what if........".  In the end I only went back on it for a year and then found it wasn't as bad as before.


So, lots of      to you and you know where we all are whenever you need to share your wibbles.   


Bx


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## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

Firstly huge huge huggles.

Honestly it's going to be only natural to have feelings come and go chick.  I think if you could just stop thinking about your fertility and switch it off, it would put in to question your ever going through any tx so you're perfectly normal and healthy!!

Hope - that's all it is chick and if you lose hope you lose an awful lot.  I think Boggy has summed it up much better than I ever could, but honestly I think there's nothing wrong with how you feel and it doesn't make you any less loyal to your adoption plans 

xxx


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## Guest (May 11, 2010)

Hi Katie,

The others said it all very well. Just wanted to add my hugs to you, and also say that it all sounds perfectly normal. You are only in the very early stages of the adoption process, you can't be expected not to have any other thought at this stage, and also our minds do wander around ... Fertility issues are painful and bring about many complicated emotions, especially when you are in such an 'in between' stage.

I thought I could add a bit of my story, it it helps. DH and me are in the process of HS and feel very positive about adoption. In the past 12 years I had subfertility and 5 m/cs after both natural pg's and tx so was more than ready to put all plans of biological children behind us. 
However a strange thing happened before we went on the prep course and this is that I got pg naturally, I didn't suspect it could happen as the last time I was pg naturally was in my early 30s and at that time I just turned 40! Anyway even when I was younger I always had m/cs so I didn't really hope for a positive outcome. However, I must admit a tiny bit of me was thinking 'what if this is to happen now and I could have a baby out of this pg?'. I strated imagining how I'd have this baby and then go on to adopt another one or more, because I got really keen on the idea of adoption and always wanted a big-ish family. Sadly - and not surprisingly - I had another m/c. But feelings were very mixed at the time.
I actually went on the pill a few months after my last (6th) m/c. This was because I have heavy and painful periods, but first and foremost because I didn't want ever again to be in this situation again. Going through a m/c is such heartache that I just want to make sure it never happens again. It does help me to put the idea of being pg behind. But what really helps more in to get on with the adoption process nad feel things are going somewhere (hopefully! we are not approved yet).

Sorry to waffle on, but what I'm trying to say is that we all have complex emotions. I think you are being very positive about adoption, and hopefully it'll feel more 'real' to both of us when it actually happen. Fingers crossed.

Lots of luck in your adoption journey,

Love from Rivka x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

rivka, i'm so sorry to read about everything you've been through, it's so unfair   

thanks all. i feel a bit more normal now


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## Guest (May 16, 2010)

Thanks Katie   

Glad you are feeling better, and wishing you all the best with the adoption process.

Rivka x


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