# Struggling to cope



## MrsL31 (Aug 21, 2016)

Hi everyone, I'm new to this so I'm hoping that this is being posted in the right section.... 
Ok so my husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years now. Had all the usual tests and it appears that there is a problem with me although with different answers from different doctors we're unclear about what the problem is. I have been told that I have mild pcos but that it shouldn't affect my fertility. I currently have a small cyst on my left ovary which is being monitored with scans every 6 weeks or so but they're hopeful they can just aspirate it during egg retrieval for ivf.  
We were referred for ivf in January this year and told that we can expect to start treatment late January/ 
early February next year. I've had 5 rounds of clomid and have one left to go but we've decided to take a break from it and do the last round in October as the hot flushes from it paired with the hot weather are killing me! 
Over the last 6 months or so I have become increasingly frustrated with the whole situation. I hate the waiting and feeling useless. Some days I feel so full of anger I could explode. I've been really depressed the last few weeks and I'm getting to the point where some days I can cry for hours on end. The only thing I've ever wanted to do is be a mum and have a family and the constant disappointment each month is becoming unbearable. This month I really thought we had done it. I just had this feeling. I had what I assumed were implantation cramps and also some odd spotting but unfortunately I was once again disappointed. I've done more tests than I can count and each one has been a bfn but this one was by far the worst. I literally didn't know what to do or say. I felt like my heart broke in 2. I've cancelled plans with friends all week because I can't bare to be around them right now. I feel such a mess. It's completely consuming me and I'm struggling to think of anything else. I just feel completely overwhelmed by the whole thing. 
That's why I've decided to give this a try. I don't know anyone else who is going through the same as me so I have no one to properly talk to about it. 
Sorry for the huge essay! I must admit though, just writing this has helped a little. 

Xx


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## Ms G (Aug 4, 2014)

Mrs L31,



I'm glad you decided to post and that in itself had helped you a little. You will find plenty of ladies on this site who can completely relate to you, me included. 

I find myself going through different phases. Sometimes, I cannot let myself think about our situation. If I did, I'm not sure I would be able to get out of bed everyday and keep going. It is incredible hard and as you say, all consuming. 

I think there are times when you just need a little space and some time alone to recover. At the start of this year, we decided to see all our friends and booked weekend after weekend with dinners and lunches. I felt like life has been on hold for so long. From the outside, people see a couple without children and think we live this carefree, glamorous life. In fact, we avoided socialising so much last year. It was partly because of treatment and partly because I just wanted to hide away from everyone. 

Have you told any of your friends or family? We have told very few, but they have been really supportive. 

I think you need to do whatever feels right for you and most importantly don't feel bad about it. If you don't want to see people, it's ok. Coping with this is the toughest thing I have ever done. When you're not sure, think about the advice you would give to a friend if she or he were in this situation. Usually, we are much harder on ourselves. Make sure you look after yourself the way you would encourage your friends to take care of themselves. 

Love Ms G. xxx


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## MrsL31 (Aug 21, 2016)

Hi there Ms G, 

Thanks for the reply. 
At the moment 3 of my close friends know about the ivf referral and have been really supportive but I've only told one of them about the emotional side of things. She's the only one in my immediate group of friends isn't married and she doesn't currently live with her boyfriend. They're not ready for any serious stuff just yet and weirdly I've found it so much easier to talk to her because of that. I'm constantly worried about pregnancy announcements from others so it's refreshing to know I don't have to worry with her. We've been toying with the idea of telling my parents but I'm really not sure about that yet. 
I can really relate to what you said about going through different phases. In the past I've had periods of time where I can be really positive about the whole thing and almost forget about it for a while but then it just takes one thing whether it's a pregnancy announcement on ******** or just an advert on TV to knock me back down again. I think the phrase "emotional roller coaster" is definitely one that could describe my journey so far. 
That's really good advice to think about what I'd say to a friend. I'd never thought of it that way before. I will definitely start thinking of that the next time I'm feeling like I want to explode. 

Thank you

Xx


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