# hello



## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

It has taken me a long time to find the courage to post here, I am still in denial, I am not ready to move on.  We have been marked down as unexplained so there is always that little bit of hope, which fades everytime the witch turns up. 

I know I am lucky to have Isabella, increadibly lucky, and I am certainly not ungrateful, and am very much mindful of the pain of those who will be at this stage without a child, but I always wanted her to have sibling.

For us the obstacle for more treatment is age, the cut off for treatment over here is 41st birthday, which is just over a months time for me.  I have a lot of guilt, because the reason we can´t have treatment is because my BMI is over their requirements, I tried to lose weight, but the fertility issues, along with the lonliness I feel here without friends or family around me, money worries and stress with DH´s uncertain future at work just caused me to comfort eat.  It just upsets me that I have left it too late, that the reason we can´t have that longed for sibling is that I cant stop stuffing my face.

I know we could have treatment abroad, perhaps with the wonderful Penny who I have heard so much about, but financially it isn´t possible.  

I am also struggling with my step kids, I am perhaps seeing them as some sort of replacement for the children that I wanted to have.  But I am not their mother, they have one (as useless as she is as one!), my heart longs for them to call me mum, but that is unrealistic and not fair on them.  

I had a name picked out for my next child and every time I hear that name it brings a twinge of pain. 

Sorry, that this post is very random, perhaps an indication of how random and confusing my thoughts are on this issue.  Now that I have typed this I realise I come across all messed up!

Sending everyone a hug who is going through this painful process. 

Sue


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## knickerbockerglory (Aug 10, 2011)

oh Sue, didnt want to read and run, just wanted to send you a massive   and try and support you as you were a fab moderator on my last cycle buddy thread.

I think that although rationally we know things in our head, it doesnt make a blind bit of difference to what our heart's desire. I had cancer a few years ago and I know i should just be grateful to be alive but thats not fair, I want a baby too!! (can you see me stamping my feet as well?). I know that the feelings you have are perfectly normal under the circumstances, although that doesnt make the pain of them any less. 

Its so easy to blame ourselves (I beat myself up a lot, feeling like its my fault) but sadly there are no guarrantees that IVF does work, so you may had had another cycle and still been in the same situation? 

I hope you can come to terms with your situation but until then know you are not alone

Lots of love

Nicxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Big hugs to you x

There are never enough words to get through this and its easy to say I have child so chin up!! But the longing I imagine is still there, and the desire to be a mum, just as strong, and maybe someways harder as you know the joy.

I have names too... imagined them... and never to be. LLife can just be so cruel sometimes.... if you can pursue it... fight for your future... and if you need to go abraod... do it.

Dont live with regrets x x x


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## katedoll (Jun 3, 2007)

Hiya
I think I remember you from 'cycling' together or at least our little ones were born at the same time. I have come to accept that my little girl will be an only child, and it is not easy but now I have 'accepted' it I have found peace and look at all the good things that come with it.  Life is not perfect for anyone and who knows what is round the corner.  Good luck and don't beat yourself up over the whole weight thing - if it wasn't that, it would be finances or your DP not keen or something else, so try and look forward and be glad you are all healthy and can give I a fab life as a happy family. xxxx


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