# envious of your pregnant friends? How to cope?



## Annie37

Out of my close group of 8 uni friends we all got married in the last 4 years. 2 girls have got toddlers now and the other 5 1 is currently pregnant and other 4 had babies in the last two weeks, the latest was today. Whilst I'm happy for them I'm just about to undergo my first IVF this summer and I'm struggling to cope with the fact I'm so far removed from their life experience. 

How have any of you coped? 

I told one of them my most sensible one we are going through IVF and she ended up telling the others as they were all about to set up a ******** event called Baby Times Galore!! It's been hard knowing they probably set it up anyway and this is the first thing in the last almost 20 years I'm not part of. 

I don't mind she told them it's stopped me having to but I'm so sad I can't be part of it.. Feeling  really low x


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## DollyBlueBags

Hiya,

Its awful and sad but I'm sure every single one of us on here have experienced the feelings of jealousy towards our pregnant friends. 

My best friend's baby has just turned 1 and I have avoided seeing them for 7 months. I even requested to work the weekend of the party and made out that I had asked for it off but work wouldn't give it me. I just cant bare to be around them, I want to see my friend and talk about non related pregnancy and baby things but she wont ever leave the baby and when we do all go out with the girls the whole nights conversation is about her baby. 

I now avoid girl nights out completely, it hurts too much. I'm not going to my cousins  baby shower either. 

xx


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## TreeHugger

Can you still be a part of their ******** group? That way you can keep in touch and not feel so excluded. As long as you are ok with all the baby pictures and clips that will be posted.

When my school and uni friends started having their first babies I wasn't TTC so I found it all really cute. When their second babies started appearing and we were having tests thats when it started getting harder to be a part of the group. They all go out for family days together and have stopped asking me as I always made excuses. I dont really seen them much now. You really find out who you're true friends are when you are facing difficulties and I realise now that I didn't have any  

 hopefully you can sort it out so you can still see them but look after yourself too


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## toptottyontour

Hi Annie my heart goes out to you and i can totally sympathise with you. 
It is very hard to cope but i found over the years i lost touch with a lot of friends who had babies and i was no longer included in their baby circle and that was before i started trying to conceive. Its a very hard fact of life which happens all around. You do really find out who your friends are! 
Since ive started ttc I've only told a handful of people and mostly they've been great but one surprise was my sister. She is super fertile and has 6 children (2 whilst ive been ttc! now that was hard to swallow i can assure you!!!) and whereas we use to be very close that relationship started to change and it turned out she didn't know how to react around me, what to say/ do for fear of upsetting me. Thing is by doing that she definitely upset me. Going distant when i needed her most was her way of not upsetting me.
You have to be happy for them and try to keep the jeolousy at bay or it will eat away at you. Dont cut yourself off or they will disappear from your life. Be happy and stay positive knowing your time will come. Think of all the good things in your life and im sure your friends are secretly envious of you as my sister use to envy my child free life at times


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## Annie37

Ladies thanks for taking your time out if your days to reach out and share your experiences with the same emotional issue. It's hard to feel like the odd one out. Mrs Peavh that's so sad maybe we should heed what to toptottyontour ( funny name!) and try and not let it eat us up or cut them out. Bloody hard though. I suppose as more time goes on the gulf of what we can and can't talk about become wider. 

Treehugger I'd like to be part of the group but I think me being in it will make them feel restricted. It's just so awkward. I will look after myself and I've decided I will try and post some comments on ******** and text them to see how they are doing. They all actually with the exception of one live in a different city so I only got to go up 4 or 5 times a year. It was great until last year and half when everything just had to stop due to baby commitments. 

I hope you all get your dreams and family wishes soon and pregnancies run smooth. Once again thank you I really mean it you have helped lift me by making me realise I'm not alone feeling like this. 
Xxx


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## fuschia33

Its terrible but it's so true. 
Friend after friend has announced over the last 3 years how they are trying for a baby. And everytime they have all fallen pregnant within a month or three at the most. All of course smokers, reasonable drinkers at the time and not the healthiest people. 
Then here I am doing everything they tell you to do in the books 3 years down the line. It is just so unfair. But they are my friends, so I smile and try and show im really happy for them, but I can tell they see right through me.  
How do you girls deal with it?


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## JemJams

Evening ladies, it's so hard when everyone around you just seems to fall pregnant. All of my friends either have children or are pregnant. I feel like the elephant in the room as everyone is aware that we are undergoing treatment but no one really knows what to say. I feel bad as I know they're all being sensitive about my situation and not talking about their pregnancies/children all the time and then I think it would be a lot easier if I just wasn't there and then they could just talk about it all without worrying that I'll get upset. My sister has also just announced that she is pregnant and I'm finding that really really hard. She has recently moved nearer to me  and I was looking forward to spending time with her over the summer, doing fun stuff. We have always been so close and a huge support but now I feel that I just can't talk to her about it. It's completely irrational but I kind of feel betrayed in a strange way even though I know that's just the hurt and jealousy talking. Has anyone else felt like that or is it just me!!!!


This is truly awful!! Wishing bfp's for everyone!!!! XXXXX


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## Bluebell82

Hi ladies,

I totally see where you are coming from. I have been upset by pregnancy and small children for a long while.
Just wanted to let you know that this won't last forever. 

I've recently gone through a mourning period after my second failed IVF and although it was a dark time, I noticed that afterwards I am coping much better with bumps and babies.
I still notice pregnant women a lot, as if my eye is trained to spot them in split seconds, but I don't feel the strong pang of sadness and jealousy as I used to. On ******** I saw that a school friend of mine just had her second baby and it hit me. Good news is that I was feeling better about it the next day.

Hubby and I spent some time with my sister in law and her baby and toddler and it helped seeing and being involved in the reality of child rearing for several days continuously, I think it demystified it a bit. I still want to have my own family, but the pedestal is a bit lower and it seems to help me with coping.

I also have a pregnant friend who is sensitive and inquisitive and I really enjoy talking to her about her pregnancy and I am pretty certain I will be excite for her when baby arrives. I may feel more comfortable with her because she not only shares the excitement of buying baby items and planning a new life but also her anxieties about miscarriage and congenital abnormalities, so I see the whole picture of her and her pregnancy and it makes me feel close to her rather than jealous. She also listens to my infertility stories including all the details, which must be helpful, too, in keeping our relationship healthy.

Hubby and I occasionally visit friends with young children, and I always hold the babies when I am offered, because it transforms them from the thing I can't have and yearn so much for into a little person and I develop an affection for them which seems to take the edge off my negative feelings and makes me want visit the family again.

Just wanted to say that spending quality time with sensitive friends who are in family land is possible, with select people and once a certain stage of acceptance of the sh** that life has thrown at us has appeared.


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## Annie37

Hi fuscia I've had a couple of them in my work environment .. One girl was literally partying non stop drinking loads of coffee smoking eating rubbish forgot to take her pill for a few days and BOOM up the duff just like that ( her words not mine lol!) I was raging. Felt same as you couldn't believe and there I am chugging away on water and herbal teas a hundred pounds a month on supplements 260 pounds a month on acupuncture and now about to spend ten thousand pounds on IVF... It feels so unfair as its money we really can't afford and have borrowed to do this and my husband work so so hard. Anyway I feel the same as you all!!
I suppose I'm just coming to the conclusion that for some reason life isn't fair and hopefully I'll get my chance. What else can you do?? Do you feel sad a lot ?

Jen jams again same too. I am the elephant in the room at work and with friends. I actually even had a colleague say at a work dinner last week oh you aren't drinking so you must be trying to get pregnant is it not happening? I was so shocked I just said well ice got some issues but we are trying and I'm just really cool with my life as it is so ill take it or leave it.. She was well meaning but nosey.. But then a guy said well you've left it late at your age your fertility drops off a cliff so it's probably not possible it's a good job that you don't want them!! I went home and cried all night. 

My sister too is trying. She is 4 years younger and we ssee each other the whole time and if so love for it to happen for her but she has some thyroid issues to overcome. I think one of us if one of us is lucky enough will struggle when or if it happens.. But we will get over it when a baby is born. That is all so hypothetical! I think tell your sister how happy you are for her how you will be next so she is doing the dummy run! Do lots of brilliant things with her. She will know you are sad and will be feeling it for you. 

Bluebell thanks for reassuring everyone posting here. It's bloody hard, and I'm sorry to hear you have had s failed procedure again. You sound like you have been through a roller coaster of ups and downs with the friends and family baby world so speaking from experience . 

It's a good tonics for us all to post here and get it out even if we don't carry out all the good advice we are given, let's get the negative feelings out of us! 

I had a photo today from one of my friends and I get she is over the moon but then she followed it up with a group email saying how she had a natural labour that she is so glad she didn't do the drugs and how they'll probably start trying for another baby in 6 months so they can have lots of kids so close togerher.. Oh the confidence and luck of the fertile. She will probably get that wish very easily. Right now I hate her!! I'll get over it tomorrow after this rant and a bit of thinking right be happy for her and less self centred!!


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## Bluebell82

Annie, getting it out is definitely a great tool!

I feel sad a lot and may do more again when the next IVF fails, I guess I'm excited at the moment about the hoped for but still unexpected respite from my sad feelings.

After reading up on infertility emotions, I decided to sit with my negative emotions and not suppress them.  it wasn't pleasant at all and very scary, as i didn't recognise myself at all. There was a phase when wallowing in my grief was the main thing I was capable of. I sometimes checked with my husband if he thought it was still normal or whether I should seek help, as this has been my first experience of a major loss. My husband has gone through major grief before and knows me well, so I felt he was qualified to assess . He reassured me that the profound grief and negative emotions were ok, because this is not a small upset but a big huge life issue!

I agree with your analysis that life is not fair, it can be a real b-i-t-c-h and picks victims at random. And since life is unfair to us, it would be nice if people would be at least sensitive about it. Unfortunately, there's quite a bit of outdated views and victim blaming going on with infertility, which makes it so much harder to just be honest about what is going on.
Some people are ill-informed or simply incapable of being compassionate, so every sensitive friend, colleague or relative is a blessing rather than the normal thing!

I Have the policy of telling as many people as I feel comfortable. The benefit is education for those around you, the drawback is if I  hit upon a person saying something inappropriate it may flare up grief and anger when I am not prepared for it. Maybe good to remember that they don't mean to hurt, they just don't know any better. My husband has followed the example and a good number of our friends and colleagues know what's going on in our life and the over-all our experience has been positive. some people who have been smug initially have changed to the better with time. 

I read somewhere that there's 4 types of people, 1. Our fellow-warriors, 2. our true friends (who haven't experienced infertility but get the severity of the issue and can support you) 3. our limited supporters (they don't know what to say, so avoid the topic) and our incapables (the people who victim-blame or tell us that we should hold it together and that its not a big issue). I sometimes have fun categorising the people around me.

I had the question 'when we are going to have kids' twice this weekend (at a party) and I have used the advice given by infertility network and said 'we can't have any'. It worked pretty well, one person asked about adoption and I explained why adoption isn't an easy option, and said that it may be an option for us in a few years, then changed topic. The other person said sorry and maybe medical research will be able to help us on day and I said, yes hopefully, and changed topics. 

Just big hugs to you and everyone, I hope we all get our solution soon.


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## Annie37

Bluebell that's really interesting perspective. I like your frankness. That takes a lot of courage. It's such a delicate subject and many of us feel embarrassed, ashamed and quite isolated. It's such an individual grief shared by all of us on this forum...highs of BFP and babies to the lows of BFN and Miscarriages. 

I lost my Dad a couple of years ago and that was very life changing. I've coped quite well, I miss him more each day though and the longing I experience to see speak and hug him again is a different longing to the one I have now to create a family. Losing him hasn't made my journey any worse or any easier but your husband is right the upsets are the same they are major they are life altering we have to let them out and deal with them as best we see fit. 

It's hard for people to understand what grief you and we are going through yearning to start a family if they haven't been through it and no one wants to imagine how hard it is when they do have children as it doesn't bear thinking about. Much like the death of a loved one. 

Im going to try your strategy the next time someone asks me about kids or comments on we should hurry up at our age. I wont mention to work colleagues as I don't want them knowing as my work is horrifically boys club style! 

I love your 4 types of people categories and I am now filing everyone I know into them..  On a lighter note that is fun!!!

Hugs to you all. All these heads and emotions together are a great support xx


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## Musicwife

I'm quite open about it as well and as I only have a small group of very close friends, I've felt comfortable doing this. One of them has also had fertility issues, so it was comforting to have someone within the group who really understood. However, in the three years since we've been ttc, every one of them has had a baby except the one who also had issues. Last night (after 2 people at work had already announced their pregnancies) my friend announced that her IVF had worked and she was 13 weeks pregnant. I smiled and hugged her and put on a good show, but then she and my other friend (who has a 2 yo and a 4 mo) started excitedly talking all things pregnancy. 

As much as I tried, it was too much and although I haven't seen them for a while and was looking forward to the night out, suddenly I had to get out so I feigned exhaustion, blaming it on a bad week at work and left after only an hour and three quarters. I sobbed the whole way home and for three hours afterwards. 

I feel like such an awful friend, I really want to be happy for her but now I feel completely alone. She sent me a lovely text after I'd left, saying she knew how hard it was for me to hear her news, so I know she knows why I left. Until now, I've been quite strong but I'm still feeling terrible today. Am I such an awful person that I can't be happy for someone who I know thought she'd never have children? Feeling terribly selfish and very, very sad...


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## Bluebell82

Hi musicwife,

I don't think you are selfish, this is hard stuff and you are amazing for putting on a brave face and leaving so that the others Can continue Their conversation.
Take your time to grieve and in time you should be happy for your friend.
Sometimes our emotions are stronger than our best intention.

Big hugs xxx


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## Musicwife

Thank you Bluebell, I've decided to embrace feeling low today, then get on with my life tomorrow. Your words have really reassured me. You're right, this is hard stuff! 

 Xxx


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## Bahhumbug

Hi Annie
You are not alone.
My old uni friends all now have children and some have had 'accidents', which i find hardest of all. I have had some seriously bitter moments and thoughts over the years!!

I'm afraid mine isn't positive advice as we have ended up hardly ever seeing them, except 2 couples who have been amazing and talk about other things as well as how children make their lives complete. 

I Deactivated my ******** account a few months back as a bit of an experiment as it was making me seriously bitter and twisted - it can be torturous. I'll probably go crawling back as its how life world nowadays, but in the meantime ive spent more time with my lovely husband, done more reading and not been awake half the night so much. 

I private messaged the people i care most about and explain ed why i was taking a break and left my mobile number. Since then we've been texting and i find that much better.

So i would say ive lost contact with a lot of friends but that won't be for ever and, for the moment, its more important to survive.

Lots of love. We all understand How you feel x


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## Annie37

Music wife I agree with Bluebell you aren't an awful friend. She sounds like a nice person to text you after. That's tough she was your rock and vice a versa and you probably feel a bit lonely now. Use these forums to help, they really do. 

Bahhumbug to be honest I really think I will deactivate mine too as honestly it's all becoming a bit much every feed is babies children and families. I feel a bit left out and it's deflating me so I see where you are coming from. 

Lots of love to all you girls especially today as it's tough being reminded we are part of that world yet xx


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## Musicwife

Annie, this forum is a life saver. This is such a hard journey to be on and can be so lonely. Sometimes just knowing someone, somewhere is going through the same as you is the most comforting thing.

Love to all of you who are feeling it at the moment. It's lovely to know that although right now might not be our time, we are not alone and there is some incredible support out there xxx


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## Annie37

Hi ladies I thought I'd respond on this to say I didn't deactivate my ******** but held off checking it for a while and went back on and pretty much every feed item and picture is babies.. It's relentless!! feel like a bitter cow if I delete it but really getting myself so jealous seeing all my friends posting cute pics and everyone telling them how being a mum is the most important job in the world, how excited they all are about their shared journey etc. on top of this my work place is organising a family fun day for charity  ill probably go and just want to drink my way through the various comments my husband and I will face.. Actually there is no way he will go as he can't pull a nonchalant no hurry yet conversation as he just sounds so sad when he does. 

God it's bloody hard!!

I feel like I won't ever have the most important job in the world ... Bah rant over feel much better having typed this, please don't feel the need to respond to this boring moan of mine !!x


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## Bahhumbug

i hears ya. X

One thing i say to myself is that if - when - i have a child of my own i promise to be super sensitive to anyone in my current position, to not be a total kn#b baby bore on ******** and to make sure i value every sector of our society. Easier said than done but it gives me a focus to think i could some day be a force for good.

Giving you a big hug. I have real issues with Smugbook! X x


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## Annie37

Ah bahhumbug... Smug book nail hit directly on the head, hard!!! I totally  agree. I won't if .. When.... We have a baby be a proud annoying in your face baby bump has grown 3 mm in the day or post tons of pics kind of person. You just don't know who is looking at it and hurting. Sounds all a bit silly and over sensitive but I suppose those are the folk whose journeys maybe are easier and they take it for granted?

Bloomin smug book!!! 

Let's be forces of good thanks for replying big hug xx


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## Annie37

Ps just read your signature.... Fingers crossed!!!!! X


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## Musicwife

Haha bahhumbug - smugbook!   describes it exactly. It's endless!! I've made the same promise to myself, no knobby photos or statuses.

Annie, totally feeling your pain and sending massive hugs.   

As for the work thing, good luck and enjoy the fact that you can drink your way through it! Please don't apologise about having a moan, we've all been there!!! 

Xxx


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## Annie37

Thanks music wife... I might as well have one.. As long as I'm not stimming...no doubt I will so I'll have to take the car and use that old chestnut! X


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## Eevee

Hiya,

Just wanted to say that I get where you're coming from too. I have some very dark days when I just don't even want to get out of bed let alone face the world with a "put on" smile. Sometimes my crazy hectic job is a life saver because it keeps me focused on something else for a little while.

The logical part of my brain says that I should be happy for others, they it's a wonderful thing to happen to someone else the. The other side of my brain wants to kick logic's ass  

What do you do when the world keeps turning for everyone else but it passes you by?

The loneliness does occasionally lift but most of the time I'm numb or angry. That seems to be it these days.
Suppose we just have to hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, one way or another xxx


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## Annie37

Hi Eevee yes I totally get your 50/50 brain logic! I am happy for them but also unhappy for me. It's hard to keep it up especially when half of me wants my friends to know how hard I find all this but the other half knows if they did then I'd be even further away from it all. One friend said she admires my blase attitude and thinks it amazing and I was desperate to say to her it's all a big front that I've never ever wanted anything more in my life... But I realise her thinking I don't care probably makes it easier for her to feel less guilty about having had a baby recently (a happy accident!) 

We got to keep hoping for light at end of our tunnel like you say. Here for PM if you need or any of you need x


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## chooshoos

hello! 
I read one of the FF ladies at some other point say that she doesn't get jelous or feel bad as they are not her baby, these other babies of her friends, colleagues, strangers in the street - they are not her baby, that baby is 'out there' waiting for her, and exactly the right time. It stuck with me....

for me I don't get jelous, or feel bad, and certainly dont avoid friends with kids, all our circle do except us, i love to see them growing up and feel like an honory auntie, dont get me wrong I am not all new age hippy but i sincerely think you attract what you project, and so I try and keep as much negativity away from my thoughts as possible. when our baby comes along I will have learned so much from these friends and hopefully inherit lots of their good ideas and tips, and since they are so experienced and all, they can babysit when I need a nap! 

if we look for the bad we will find it, if we look for the good, we will find it

I wish you every possible luck for your dreams to come true very soon


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## lulo

Hi,

Chooshoos, I have just read your post, and I see by the time you have only just written it. Something must have made me read it as today I'm stuggling with the positivity (I'm in a 2ww) 3 friends have announced they are pregnant in the last few days one says how ' she now felt she understood how I felt' because it had taken a while to conceive as she fed her already existing baby!!

But your words made a lot of sense and made me think a bit differently so thanks I needed that, its just hard on days like these when it seems to never be our turn to announce our pregnancy.

Hang in there girls, when we are the lucky ones we will be sensitive to anyone in our life who is struggling ttc x


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## Annie37

Hi choo shoos I try the same but deep deep down  it's hard to shift the worry that you'll never be part of that world. I admire your attitude and I am the one my friends come to with husband worries, children and step children issues so I am immersed but more into their world and not them into my infertility world as they all just haven't had that worry and I try to now share it but come across as cool about it. Unfortunately the truth is  I've just got to wallow and allow a bit of envy or sadness to seep through 10% of the time. It's just how I am made! I like the though of my baby being out there that will stick with me too so thank you for sharing that!! X 


Lulo I agree we will be very sensitive and hopefully perceptive. I met an old work colleague at a BBQ last month who tuned into me not having kids when someone in the group asked why and I said we were just playing it by ear and out right later on she said  you don't have to lie to me. I can see this is more. If you want a friendly ear call me. I've had 3 IVF recently and that's a hard journey. She just knew! 

Try and stay positive but allow your dark days too. I wish you all the very best in this wait!!!! X xx


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## lulo

Thanks Annie37, sounds like your old colleague was just what you needed that day.

best wishes xx


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## Annie37

Another announcement this morning. This time by text with a photo of scan and it is a friend who I told at the weekend how hard infertility is. Isn't that a bit insensitive why didn't she call tonight !!  I'm in work why text me!!! I'm now in floods in the loo.  I spent the weekend with my friends at a 1 year old birthday and all the new borns and toddlers (trying to get back in the group but I'm the outsider now) and I did so well but feels like I've gone back to where I started again  after deciding I would only be positive from now. 

She has only just had her first 7 months ago. 

Why is this so hard!!! Feeling sorry for myself again! Rant over!! 
X


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## Bluebell82

Hi Annie,

I'm so sorry. Sounds like you had a rough day. Only saw your post now, here's nevertheless a cyber hug from me  

I totally believe that it is ok to loose your positivity once in a while, especially after what has happened. You'll see you'll get it back and you dont have to force yourself to be positive, it'll come to you and you will cherish it, because you realise the fragility and preciousness of happiness and optimism. Hope you had a chance to take care of yourself.

Life is not fair. We've been inflicted with a silent disease, which affects our quality of live a lot, because having children is a deep-seated biologic want. Nevertheless lots of people don't understand us and society has yet to develop a sensitive way of dealing with infertiles. And then there's often nothing we can do for very long stretches of time, even when undergoing strenuous invasive procedures which still have ridiculously low success rates... 

Plus, most people are super fertile, through no merit of their own, just the bodies they have received at random. It will take them no time to get pregnant first time and second time and third time. 

If there is something depressing then this surely is it!!


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## Annie37

Aw thanks Bluebell I just needed a vent, I feel like I can't keep burdening my husband with those feelings as he is trying so hard to be consistently positive bless him. Every time another announcement comes  it just notches up my worry that it will never be us. I know that's stupid I mean I haven't even gone far down this IVF journey  but I can't help but worry what will happen to my relationships with friends and my husband if my IVF doesn't work. 

You are totally right it's a silent disease. I sat in my workplace on Monday whilst my bosses PA went round asking everyone how many kids they had and what ages. She knows me well and when she came over to my desk I joked and said I've only one kid my husband oh ha ha and the guy next to me said you need to have kids it's the best thing I've ever done you should do it before it's too late. I just felt like such a failure. I just wanted to shout lots of swear words at him and barge into my bosses office and shout at him too!!!! I mean why go around asking people out loud? They are organising a family fun day for charity and it's all about kids which is lovely to do but I just don't feel like I want to go so I've pretended I'm away. I know if we go we will just be questioned and chastised. Everyone at work thinks I'm an ice queen who doesn't want children. They formed that opinion and I let them think it as it's easier. Especially when the guys I manage are itching for my job. 

Anyway after the above I've gone and had a counselling appointment to try and put things in to perspective which has helped. I've just got to learn to deal with challenging situations as they seem to crop up every week. 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Its a rough old road thank goodness for this forum!! 

How are you coming along? X


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## Alligatorlady

Glad to see this, and know I'm not alone.

Before my last chem preg- the clinic was required to write up a sheet that had 'estimated due date' (EDD). 

Soon after, I discovered a friend was pregnant. Months later, I asked her when the due date was -- and she said the date that was  my EDD. Doctors have assured me that EDD mean nothing, and babies can be born anytime. But can you guess when her baby was born? That's right: bang on what was my EDD.

Obviously I'm happy for her. But her baby's birth is now etched in stone like a reminder of my failure. I'm trying to look ahead. But life keeps throwing these annoying ironies.


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## Bluebell82

Hi Aligatorlady, That's a very sad story. I've never had positive pregnancy test but it must feel so cruel when you think it is your time finally, and then it gets taken away from you suddenly. And then there's the reminder!

Annie, I'm good thanks, waiting for my next IVF cycle to start. At my new clinic they take while to get the ladies ready before they let them cycle.  At work I'm building the next step of my career, which is helping to keep the dark days away for  the most part and to focus on something I have control of. I sometimes think that my body just can't do pregnancy and IVF won't help, but I'll definitely give it a good go one more time to find out for sure.

Seeing a counsellor is a great idea. They can't take away all of the pain but they can make sure we're journeying along the right path and reassure us.


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## Alligatorlady

Thanks Bluebell. One upsetting aspect of my friend giving birth on what was my EDD, is that I felt guilty for feeling upset. Because actually she has been one of my few 'new friends' (most of my good friends are 'before infertility'; I just dont have the energy to make new friends and deal with the whole idiotic "Q&A" about marriage and kids) who has NEVER asked me about kids, and almost never brings up her own, unless I ask.

Yeah I think so many of us have these 'ironic' stories- things so odd or coincidental, you can't make it up!...

Re answering Qs about 'do you have kids' or 'how many kids do you have', I've found this answer works wonders: "Unfortunately not."

Usually, this stops them cold.   They look stunned, mutter 'oh I'm sorry'. Then they either say something sensitive and supportive, or they slink away. Occasionally, they do the whole 'oh why dont you adopt' or 'get a cat' thing. But usually not. This way, you're not implying that you've given up; you're not divulging private info if you're still trying. But you're conveying that the person is an idiot for assuming that everyone 'your age' would have kids.  

Have a lovely weekend everyone!


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## Bahhumbug

I really like the 'unfortunately not' answer. It says so much in so little, makes it clear to anyone with a brain, but doesn't spill out into bitterness or overt jealous.
Thanks for the tip x


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## bobo66

Alligatorlady: Thank you for this tip!


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## butterfeena

Alligatorlady - I shall be 'adopting' this (bad pun, I know) from now on. Its astonishing how many people are so dumb about this.

On another note, I have a similar story. An old friend of mine told me in her 8th month about her second pregnancy. I think she put off telling me about because of my loss 6 months earlier. Her EDD was 2 days from mine. She had a girl and named her the exact name I would have done (she wouldn't have know this) but that made it even tougher and we had already fallen out about her not telling me sooner. Then she had a go at me for not congratulating her on ********. Rather unlike her but it really showed the difference between people who have been through it and people who haven't.

x


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## Alligatorlady

So glad my suggestion helped, Butterfeena, Bobo66, and Bahhumbug (and anyone else)! I agree, it says so much, without revealing too much. And for anyone with half a brain and a smidgen of empathy, it's useful. 

I should add that when I say it, I usually give the person full direct eye contact, with a calm voice, and then break eye contact, and may even find a reason to turn my body (gathering paper, picking something up etc). This tells them I 'see' what's behind their question, and am calling them on it in a fully present way; but that I don't care to continue the conversation.

Do let us know how you get on with it.....


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## Wishings15

Unfortunately not certainly a good phrase. I normally say, not yet.
I don't have an wisdom whatsoever regarding this title cause I struggle all the time, 
But your comments certainly helped me a bit.
The main thing I've done was deleting ******** for six months. Am so tired of seeing the next pregnancy, baby pictures.
I've reactivated it now, but I'm out the habit of using it, and don't read the news feed anymore xx


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## Alligatorlady

FYI there are 2 internet extensions you can download that are meant to get rid of baby pix on social media by replacing them with something else. One is called Get Rather. The other is called Unbaby.me (a Chrome extension) -- which has been written about by major media. 

I havent used them (I just stay off social media, because other things make me mad -- like all my friends posting articles about how hard or how great motherhood is; none have EVER posted about infertility). But if anyone has, do tell.


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## magicpillow

Very true Alligatorlady. I often say to other friends going through infertility that I'm so tempted to post things or share things about infertility on ** as I'm sick of all the blog posts being shared about how hard motherhood is. Infertility is such a silence. The only thing stopping me is not wanting everyone to know such a personal thing about me.


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## magicpillow

It's heartening to hear other people saying that these posts about how hard motherhood is make them mad as I wondered if it was just me.


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## sd84

Hi, I've just found out that one of my husband's closest friends is pregnant when they only just got married and weren't trying to conceive. I feel absolutely devastated as was already having a hard week finding out my dh needs genetic testing which is delaying our application for IVF NHS funding yet again. I can't stop crying and want to be happy for them but just can't be. It's so unfair how easy it is for the majority of people. I don't want to be this jealous bitter person but I can't seem to snap out of it. Does anyone have any tips on how to cope whilst waiting for treatment to begin? It's made worse by the fact it's male factor and me crying continuously makes my dh feel really bad as he feels like he's causing my pain. I just want to go back to my life before ttc as I know there are loads of good things in my life but it just feels all consuming at times. I also find the motherhood social media posts really difficult as its like everyone is boasting about being in a club that we're not allowed to join. I'm desperate to have a positive attitude but I just can't seem to get there!


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## Bluebell82

Hi sd84,

I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time. what you are feeling is real, a reaction to a real problem. So first don't beat yourself up about what you feel (it's already hard to feel the loss), your feelings towards other people who have it easier are valid and real and appropriate for the problem. If other women were in your position they would feel Like you, they just got lucky and don't have to go where we have to go.

I also wanted to Tell you that male factor infertility is usually very treatable. So although this is a slow and long process, you have a very decent chances of coming out with a family on the other side. But it will take time and an amount of effort and money you didn't expect when starting the TTC process. 
And hold on to hubby as much as possible. if you can work through this as a couple, you will be blessed with a strong trusting relationship that can stand future rocky times. If infertility hardship does one positive thing is that it grows you as a person, you'll be more compassionate with other people in bad situations that aren't their fault.

This process is inherently slow, so maybe worth trying to understand that it will take a while and you will wait a lot. I'm not sure there's a quick fix for coming to terms with it. This is very much a grieving process, and we humans are not in control how long and how intense it is. We need to acknowledge that loss of control and that we've been dealt the poo-Poo card. Some things in life are unfair.

To shorten waiting time you could maybe do things that you wouldn't be able to do (or struggle to do) with a baby/small children. My husband and I went on a super holiday traveling all of China, we bought a place and did it up exactly as we wanted it and changed into interesting jobs. We had long lie-ins and worked silly, flexible hours. We posted the most amazing holiday pics on social media when other people where posting photos of their toddlers at home with food smeared around their face. 

I hope this helps a little.


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## sd84

Thank you for your response bluebell that has helped massively. It really helps to know I'm not crazy and they're normal feelings to have. I only know one person who has had IVF and theirs worked first time and they have since had a child naturally so don't have a lot of people to talk to which can feel very isolating. I'm also a natural worrier so worry about everything and anything that could possibly happen (e.g what if there's a problem on my side too that they just haven't discovered yet). I am not good with uncertainty and no control and that's the most challenging part of the process. I definitely like the idea of doing things like planning a holiday but even that is difficult when no one can say when we're likely to finally have an appointment at the clinic to start treatment as I don't know when to plan a holiday for! Thank you so much for replying though it really has helped and I'm hoping tomorrow I will feel slightly more positive again until the next hurdle


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## lulo

Hi SD84, I hope today has brought you some fresh air and brighter thoughts.

Bluebell has given you a beautifully written reply and everything she says is right, these are real feelings and unfortunately we have all felt them at some point in our journey. Life seems to be much easier for those popping out children without a second thought apart from to grumble here and there!

The thing is you will get good at smiling and saying all the right things, it's not their fault at the end of the day and one day hopefully soon you will be singing your own good news from the roof tops. This site will be a god send for you if you don't have people who you an talk to and understand what you are going through, it has help me and so many others.

Maybe don't plan a holiday but some nice small things if you are concerned about it clashing with treatment, such as a concert, a weekend away or a spa treatment with your other half little treats to help the weeks pass and remind you why you are in this together.

Take care of your self xxx


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## Bluebell82

SD84, I remember crying a lot on certain occasions and as lulo said everyone on this forum has cried loudly and hard. maybe let your hubby know that you would feel sad no matter what the problem was and let him know that you you know that it's hard on him, but you can't help it and that it is healthier to let it all out. My husband also had to see me like this and I don't think it was easy on him to see m me suffer, but it was the only way and we were determined that we wouldn't allow theninfertility to break up the relationship that we had built. Luckily, such days are followed by better days. Over time, my threshold increased as well, so the last time I got really upset I heard 4 announcements in a very short time. you will become more resilient.

I know the fear of not being able to get pregnant ever, I had it all the time because of our unexplained infertility and a bit of it stayed with me until my first BFP tbh. despite this it's more likely that you as a couple have only one problem (I don't know your age, but if 84 is your birth year age is on your side). See how your first IVF goes. I tend to look at my clinic's HFEA success rates regularly to keep my expectations in perspective. It may also help to start planning for the case that your first IVF will be BFN. Unfortunately this happens and it's good to regard IVF as a course of treatment. Will you go on a holiday, when will you do another cycle soon or will you wait a bit? will you need to go private, if yes which clinic and how will you pay for it? Planning this may make you feel that you get some control back. I usually was happier before and during treatment, when I was doing something to progress things.

And do treat yourself in between and take care of yourself. I have my fingers crossed for you.


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## sd84

Thank you lulo and bluebell. Your words of encouragement have really helped especially as I also found out late yesterday that my husband's cousin is also pregnant so that was finding out about two very close people in one day. Work has managed to help distract me a bit today but I still feel very sad and  like I'm going to burst into tears every second. I really want to just forget about it for a little bit but it's on my mind continuously. I don't feel like I can be around any close friends who are pregnant right now as it's just too difficult. 

Did you feel any better when you eventually started treatment? I know that brings even bigger challenges and emotions but I'm hoping that actually starting IVF will at least feel like I'm a step closer whereas now all I feel I'm doing is waiting with no idea when I'll eventually get to begin treatment. Is there anything you can recommend to help prepare my body for IVF (other than eating healthily, not drinking etc)? 

Bluebell - yes I'm 31 so hoping that age will be slightly on my side and all my tests so far have been fine so probably just worrying about problems on my side unnecessarily. I'm so happy for you that you finally got your bfp, you must be absolutely over the moon and know all the tears and effort were worth it.

Lulo - same to you, it sounds like you have been through a very long journey so really pleased you can finally be a mum!


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## marty123

This is really hard to survive. Everyone concerned knows these feelings perfectly well. When you envy people just because they are going to be happier when you are. 
Before treatment I couldn't stand watching pregnant women round me   Oh God, I know this sounds awful, but I couldn't get used to the idea I had to pass another way to my happiness. I'm still in all this our 1st app being conducted last Wed only. But thanks to ladies' support and lots of good talks on forums I've recently realized I wouldn't like me for ex. being treated in such a way. I do hope our program will bring us success and I'll achieve pregnancy one day. What then? - I'd not like to catch some envious glances at my sight. So probably this very fact made me think differently. I became calmer on the point and now pregnant ladies do not get on my nerves. They just give me hope that one day I'll be in their shoes  
Also that's a good idea to make an acquaintance with a couple being in your position. This is really easier to cope with the things if you have purely understanding people in touch.
Sending strong hugs to all struggling ladies here


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## Bluebell82

Hi Sd,
I felt better in the run up and during treatment indeed, so it may happen to you, too. Have a healthy diet with plenty of fruit and veg and cut down on alcohol and caffeine (I dont think there's a need to come off it completely until you start cycling). Ask hubby to cut down as well (but maybe not completely, mine didn't like the idea of not having beer at the pub at all and we had a big argument and agreed on two pints). My husband and I were both taking a good general multivitamin and fish oil capsules from the supermarket, to makes sure we were both at peak health. When you stimulate drink loads and loads, including 1 L milk per day (that's what my third clinic asks for, and they are top-notch) to avoid OHSS. Don't do a diet. I wouldn't go overboard with supplements and special foods, I think a lot of that is myths, and recommend to not waste money on special fertility supplements (for example proxeed). Prixing is rip off for what is in there - best to reserve the money for medically relevant extras. You could have a hysteroscopy and an endoscratch at the first cycle for example to improve chances of implantation.


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## lulo

sd84, yes the lead up o and during treatments I felt like I was being productive and that something was happening towards making our family, in between I felt a bit pointless.

Dietwise eat healthy try not to drink too much or smoke and cut down on the caffeine, when you are actually doing treatment I would go decaf and no booze. I took a trying to conceive multivitamin, superdrug do one for £2.99 for a month supply but some are just ridiculously expensive.

A couple of other thoughts for you and others there was someone who said on this site possibly even on this thread which helped me ... when someone announces they're pregnant to just think ' that is not my baby, it wasn't intended for me so I wont be envious as it was not meant for me it was meant for them, my baby is in the future'  and when you see pregnant ladies you never know that they may have had to have rounds and rounds of ivf to get there.

Good luck with the treatment there are so many positive stories on here, it took me 5 years to get where I am but treatment I squashed 6 cycles into 14 months which was madness but worth it in the end.

x


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