# How did you know you were ready for Adopting?



## MS Apple (Mar 5, 2013)

Hi there.

Have you any words of advice on how you knew you were ready to fold the cards of IVF over and move on to adoption? 

We have had a hard time, beautiful still born girl full term, a miscarriage and two failed rounds of IVF, coupled with lots of family tragedy that I am now thinking perhaps, just perhaps we could adopt and maybe build an amazing family via this route... Without the sadness and uncertainly the IVF journey and pregnancy hold at my age (42)

Maybe you just know? 

Perhaps I need to sit with the idea till it feels right and see its benefits... I have been pregnant and felt how wonderful that was, but after the pregnancy I couldn't walk, as I had terrible SPD and this coupled with our daughters death and the whole emotional journey, well, I feel ashamed to say it but I don't think I can do it any more.

That feels wrong, as a woman to say I am not strong enough to try again... But I am tired of trying and exhausted of the IVF process. 

Perhaps I know the answer which is that you come to it when it's right.

Well, this may be the first post here of many.

Thanks for reading.

Much love to you all and your journeys.



X


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## Confused84 (Jun 11, 2013)

Hi MS Apple

I am so sorry to hear of your journey.

I have not been though nearly as much as you, however, I feel completely ready to jump into the adoption route - it just feels right for us although I cant explain it.

That being said we are about to start on our 2nd round of IVF but this is only due to the fact we have 2 funded cycles and we will always be wondering "what if".  We need to do it to finally close the door on fertility treatment.

Albeit we are doing a 2nd round of IVF i still see us adopting regardless of the outcome.  In a strange way i almost do not want the IVF to work as i am so scared of having another miscarriage.

take care x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi MS Apple,

I'm so sorry to hear of all you've been though 

I couldn't read your post and not leave a message but wont have a chance to reply properly until this eve.

I promise I'll be back 

Love Anj x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

We all have our limits and there is no shame in accepting them. For me, I "let go" of the desire/plan to pursue a biological child through pregnancy, without having progressed to IVF. Our losses, even as very early pregnancies, and the stress of each month was simply too much to bear. It was a dark, dark place.

And honestly, pursuing adoption wasn't an easy alternative. IVF, in the short term, would have been easier. But the journey to adoption has matured me, HSDad and our relationship in some amazing ways. I can't imagine our life differently now. I'm proud of who we are and what opportunities we now have. And truly, amidst all the grief, that is all I really wanted for us. 

You will know when you are on the right road. But sometimes, you won't know until you actually go down that road. With parenting, especially the adoptive kind, you have to accept the uncertainty and learn to trust in yourself. 

For me, the infertility made me lose that trust in myself, and I knew I was ready to adopt when I found that trust again.

I am so sorry for your losses. Please trust yourself. Your body, and that includes your emotional heart, needs time to heal. You are so right to 'sit with it' and see how it feels, moving forward.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Back as promised.....

Once again I'm so sorry to hear all you've been through 

I think there are many answers to the question 'how do you know when you are ready to adopt?' as it's so very different for everyone, and dependant on so many things.

Like others, I can only answer with how it was for us and I know each person will have a totally different story to tell and view point.
I wanted (and tried) for children from a very young age (I'm the same age as you now) and I've long since made peace with the fact that I'm not destined for birth children. I think as it's been over 20 years, looking back I'd probably come to terms with it by the time I'd reached about 30.
We have 3 failed IVF's behind us and although we regret the expense, we don't actually regret the attempts (if that makes sense) as we both felt that 3 goes was the point we could say we had given it a good try and wouldn't look back with any regrets.  

It was a few years after our final attempt that we discussed adoption, and for both of us it just felt totally right and we believe now it was how we were always destined to have children.
We look back now and can even say we are glad we didn't have birth children and that our IVF's didn't work, as we wouldn't now have our 2 lo's who we love more than anything in the world.
I now truly feel that I was never meant to have a birth child as I was always meant to be Mummy to our 2 lo's, my dh feels exactly the same.

I haven't experienced the losses that you have  so I know you will always naturally look back from a different place , but all I can do is give you one of many opinions/views of how you know it feels 'right'.

I can't remember the exact words but someone once said on here that adoption has to not feel like your 2nd choice, but rather your 1st choice for where you are at that place and time in your life, and I think that pretty much sums it up. 

I think you know that both adoption (and the timing to start down that path) is right when you can hand on heart say you have made peace with the fact that your children will not be born from your body but born from your heart (to quote another wise lady on here).

As everyone will tell you, adoption is by no means easy, and the bottom line is that all lo's who are placed for adoption will have suffered loss to some extent, so will need their adoptive parents to have dealt with their own loses to a point where they can 100% support and parent them in the way they need.
This is something addressed during the adoption prep course but (like many points) I think only really made total sense to us after we became adoptive parents.
    
So many things in your post show that despite all you've been through you are very grounded and sensible in the way you are considering adoption and I'm sure this would come across if and when you start making enquiries.

I know that when we first started down the path it really benefitted us (in so many ways) to hear from people who had already adopted, and I hope you gain the same from replies you get on here.    

As Handstitchedmum very eloquently said, you really do need time to heal and you are so wise to 'sit with it till it feels right'   

I think no matter what we all say, something else you said in your post is also very true, I think you do 'just know' when the time is right to move on  

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

Love Anj x


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## HannahLou (May 22, 2011)

The easiest way to put it for us was that moment when talking about adoption felt like a huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders. We talked about it all the time but literally one day we just 'knew' and felt this immemse relief that we could be a mummy and daddy and forget about all the stress of failed Ivf etc x


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Sending you massive hugs   . Have pm'd you (hopefully!!) xx


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## Sarah36 (Jan 2, 2012)

Hello, just wanted to say we have recently made the decision to adopt  and are now booked in for an information day in October. I totally agree with what everyone else has put and it really it is about drawing the line with fertility treatment and moving on to your new journey. Like confused84 we decided on adoption before the 2nd ivf, don't get me wrong it doesn't make it any easier when it fails but it also is a huge relief that the stress and sadness of IVF is finally behind you. I know this journey won't be all roses but I am excited and feel it is right and even in the last few days my husband seems to be back on board after contemplating the 'should we move on just us' scenario. He is now looking at cars etc so even if one of you wobbles from time to time it is natural.
Good luck xxxxx


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## Guest (Sep 6, 2014)

Thank you for posting this MSApple. This is something I've wondered about and it's helpful to hear other peoples responses. I'm so sorry for your past losses and glad you're still wanting to be a lovely parent   Good luck and all the best xxx


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## Doubleprincesstrouble (Jan 28, 2013)

Hi,
Sounds like you've had a really tough time, my heart goes out to you.

We had a fairly easy time of it with our infertility, a year of TTC and a year of investigation and couldn't have IVF.
Like Hannahlou we felt hugely relieved to move on to adoption.
It was something we had always talked about and  had a fairly realistic idea of what it would be like.

I was really keen and felt like I was in a hurry and sick of waiting to be a mum.
My girls are amazing and I feel so lucky to have them, now I wouldn't change a thing, I honestly wouldn't want to go back and have birth children. 

It didn't take me long but its so important to grieve fully because when you move on to adoption you must be ready to love your new LO without any regret.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm with HannahLou - moving on to adoption felt like a huge release and a joyful decision.  It seemed - and, for us, was - such an easier, more positive, less gruelling process than IVF.  Although I'd only had three cycles, and a much easier run than many, the thought of going again, even if we could have afforded it, made me feel physically ill.

In contrast, I actually enjoyed home study - certainly it was way more enjoyable than stimming or down-regging!  I found the process was quite helpful and developmental, helping DH and I to see each other more clearly, and talk about some things we'd never really pinned down before.  We became a much stronger team through the process, and through Bug's placement and adoption.

When making the decision felt like a relief, we knew the time was right.  When participating in the process felt like where we were where we were supposed to be, we knew we'd moved on.  When we snuggled our boy and knew that we wouldn't have him - or be strong and tested enough to be the Mummy and Daddy he needs - if it weren't for ten years of IF hell, then.... well, I'm still getting my head around the fact that some days I wake up thankful for IF.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your really dreadful journey so far.  I'm wishing you healing and release whatever steps you take next.

I think you do know your own answer.    And chances are there's a LO out there who's going to hit the jackpot in you.

Much love.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

And, by the way, I don't think we should shy away from saying adoption was a second choice for those of us it was.  Second choice doesn't mean second best....

Harrison Ford was second choice for Han Solo.  Keanu Reeves was second choice for The Matrix's Neo.  Ian McKellen was second choice for Gandalf.  Julia Roberts second choice for Pretty Woman.  Clint Eastwood, would you believe, second choice for Dirty Harry.

My Bug came to us through a second choice option.  But he's my whole heart, my first child, my life.  And he's a star.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

I totally agree with your posts above AoC, it was the same for us, a joyful feeling of huge release , I think it was because we finally felt on the right path, as if it was where we were always destined to be.  

I also agree with you re the '2nd choice' comment, I think I mentioned it above but I really like the way someone very wisely worded it on here, in that adoption should feel like your 1st choice for where you are right now, for that particular space and time.
I think that's very true, as although it was technically 2nd/3rd choice for most of us (after ttc naturally & tx), for us it very much felt like our 1st choice of how we wanted to have a child right from the moment we started the process (ie at that point I honestly wouldn't have wanted to fall pregnant and definitely didn't want any more tx).

Once again, lots of love and luck to you MS Apple with whichever path you take


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