# dealing with pregnant best friend



## kelle28uk (Jan 8, 2012)

Hi
Found out a week ago that my best friend is pregnant
I am obviously happy but can't help feeling jealous and emotional.
All I want is a baby! 
How do you all deal with things like this
Thanks Kelly


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## DollyBlueBags (Aug 5, 2014)

Hi Kelle,

My best friend got pregnant 2 months before my wedding when she wasnt trying to, she said she'd been ill with d&v and it stopped her contraceptive pill working and ended up pregnant (oh, if only it was that simple!!)

We started trying for a baby as soon as we were married in 2013 but nothing happened, I had to watch my friend get bigger and post scan pics on ******** whilst every month I sat on the loo and cried when AF showed. 

I planned her baby shower for her when she was 6 months pregnant and we were ok, I didnt see her as much as I used to but things were alright between us. It all went down hill when she had the baby. The feelings of hate and jealously I felt towards her were so overwhelming that I couldnt bare to be around her. I felt she rubbed the fact that I still wasnt pregnant in my face, she even now constantly sends me pics of her daughter on ******** but I have now stopped "liking and commenting" on them so hopefully she will get the hint soon and stop doing it. When we all go out for a meal and drinks the whole conversation dominated and controlled by her talking about her baby.

I havent seen her or the baby for 6 months, Its the babies first birthday in June and I have deliberatly requested to work nights that weekend so I dont have to go to the party. Our freindship is basically over, shes completely changed into someone I dont even recognise and someone I thought would never be so insensitive and I cant stand to be around her due to jealously. We no longer have anything in common, we dont talk on the phone or text anymore.  

Its a shame because we were friends for 22 years but its over now and wont ever pget back to where it was.

xx


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## Goldielocks80 (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi Kelly,

I wish I had some real words of wisdom for you but i can only tell you how I feel and try to cope. We've been TTC for 5yrs and we are now going through our 2nd IVF cycle. During those 5yrs literally all my friends have had at least one baby....my best friend has just announced she is expecting no3. I guess I've just learnt to put up a bit of a hard shell and a although I try to stay interested and am obviously happy for them it's hard. I think as Mrs Peaches has said it depends on how they react towards you- do they know your TTC and struggling? I was honest with my friends and it helped a little, maybe helped them be a bit more sensitive....mostly. Ultimately you have to havea. Big of self preservation but not isolate everyone around you who falls pregnant...I try to tell myself that they deserve a baby as much as me....I've just wanted it for longer!

I've had a really difficult time lately as my little sister (7yrs younger) got pregnant on the second month of trying....I've she'd many tears it's fair to say. I'm excited about the thought of a niece or nephew and I'm trying not to show to her how I feel but it isn't easy. Think my parents feel in the middle as they know how much we want this and for how long. 

Wish I could tell you how to deal with it, all I can say is you do learn and going through infertility really does show you who your true friends are! 

Take care
Goldie xxxxx


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## swanlake (Nov 7, 2012)

Hi Keller

Hi everyone else

I echo what people have said here Kelle. It's extremely sad but pregnancy can sometimes make friends drift apart. My best friend had three mmc before she got pregnant, and whilst again I am happy for her, I am also very bitter it isn't me- some friends can handle this as they really know it's not about them per say, it's about us and our situation and others can't. My best friend told me she was pregnant in such an unsympathetic way after promising if it happened to her she would be sensitive to me, as she had had mmc and knew how it felt. Since then 5months she hasn't once txt me or asked how I was even though she knows exactly what we are going through. I have tried to keep in contact but got so angry with her return messages never once asking how I am. I will send her a baby pressie and card when baby is born and then have decided I will not contact her.....if she contacts me then great but I have spent- like gallegirl (his gallegirl!) said too much time being the one to contact her and for my emotional sanity I will stop.

I love this idea of traffic lights- I too avoid anything that is likely to cause me emotional stress and my friends know this, and respect this.

I guess all I can advise is maybe trying to talk with friend about your feelings- that you are so happy for her but also so sad for you- maybe explain that even though you are excited for her there may be certain times when you cannot be around/emotionally available / too sad etc and hope that she can understand this. The other option is to just distance yourself from her. Or  to just carry on as normal but you have to look after yourself emotionally. 

This may seem all doom and gloom and I am sure some friendships survive- some friends are so sensitive and taper down the baby talk, as they know it causes me pain. These are friends my friendships are stronger for as I know completley they are there for me. 

It's just not easy

Xxxxx


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

i think how you cope at first depends alot of the type of people your friends are...

my close g/fs - we all went through the life stages together - found the man, got a house, got married started trying for a baby... 5 years later they all have 1-2 and i still have 0 with no answers to boot.

i tried desperately not to let it bother me too much in the early days because it was the early days - there was no reason for me not getting pregnant and i didn't want to seem like i was over-reacting and trying to make everything about me. so i went to the baby showers - and like gailgegirl - even helped organise a couple, attended christenings, bought baby gifts, and generally pretended i was fine with it all. after a few years of doing that and increasing with treatment i was struggling - really struggling and i had to make a decision and it all came down to self preservation and protection.  i don't attend baby showers anymore, i take my time going to visit and i wait until im having a good day before i do any baby gift shopping.

i am extremely lucky in that my friends have been very understanding which has made it much easier for me to be honest with them and feel i could 'duck ' out of things that i don't feel i can cope with. and as for mommy-baby obsessed talking they have each other for that and they know this - i dont get any calls or texts about theirs kids because they know not to put that on me. 

we still regularly see each other and i know that there will be a lot of kiddy talk but i can cope with it then because i am prepared and its not done in a way that rubs it in my face - they are also happy to talk with me about what i'm currently doing re treatment if i want to discuss it. and of course we still do the gossiping and moaning about our hubbys so its still like a normal night out with the girls.

after my failed cycles ive needed distance from them for obvious reasons and they will go weeks without hearing from me then, but when i do pop back on the scene wanting to see then there is no backlash its just as i left it. 
they have also taken to contacting me by phone or text to tell me of pregnancies to soften the blow. 

like i said im very very lucky to have friends that somehow know how to deal with me lol and never hold it against me when im not there. 


how you cope with things will change depending on what your going through at the time so dont put too much pressure on yourself and do what you can but back away when you need to. IF will take your sanity very easily if you let it - self protection is key. look after yourself.

does your friend know about your struggles? if so i would just try explaining to her how happy you are for her but at times you may need a bit of space and that's no reflection on your friend - every mother to be deserves to enjoy being pregnant and getting ready for the birth etc, and hopefully she will be very understanding but if shes not then that says more about her than you.
if you haven't told her then you need to decide if you're going to tell her or not and if you dont then you need to become a master of lying so that you can still give yourself the time and space you will sometimes need.

bad news - pregnancy announcements do not get easier
good news - learning what you need to do for yourself to cope gets clearer

thinking of you xxx


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## Sapphire952 (Aug 6, 2014)

Just reading this tonight as I feel exactly in this same boat too.  Thanks for your comments ladies xx


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## aliced (Aug 1, 2014)

I was in your situation about a year ago and I found it so hard. My bf is such a lovely person and my confident about our infertility problems but I found it so hard to be around her when she was pregnant. She tried to be as sensitive as possible and one day after many tears from the both of us she confessed that she was so worried about me and how she should act/speak about the baby. I would love to tell you it was all okay when the baby came along and yes it did feel better as it is pregnancy rather than baby which I struggle with but it is still hard, I do feel like I've lost my confident as I don't think she can ever understand how I feel. If your friend is as lovely as mine then she will be sensitive. In turn I attended her baby shower and plastered a fake grin on my face so wide that my face ached after. It still is tough but I do think our friendship will survive.


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## kelle28uk (Jan 8, 2012)

Thanks for all your posts guys. It's great to know I'm not a monster for feeling this way xx


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