# Feeling down



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Cannot understand it. I've wanted to be a mum as long as I can remember, and now I've been blessed with the most gorgeous, prettiest little baby girl in the whole world and she is all my dreams come true, and more... and yet I'm feeling sad  

We'd always decided that the first 2 weeks of her coming home would be just us 3, getting to know each other. But because she is so wonderful and we feel so proud, we wanted to show her off from day 1, and we've had no peace. Every day has been planned around visitors or us visiting other houses etc. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed it, but now regretting it. My dh goes back to work on Monday and I'm feeling lost. She's really friendly and sociable so will almost go to anyone, but rarely comes to me, and doesn't seem to know who mummy is yet. I know I'm being daft but it hurts like hell.

I'm looking forward to the next few weeks and months cos I know that's our time to properly bond, but feel like I've wasted the valuable family time we could've had.

Is is impossible to feel like baby blues when I havent been pregnant or given birth? I feel so silly, but at a complete loss.  

Any advice please xx


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

ever

i have no experience so really no advice to give but i really feel for you. YOu're most definitely not being silly...you had a major life changing event occur and probably years of anticipation that went ahead of it. reality rarely turns out the way we think and it's such early days.
I'm sure others will have lots of practical advice to give...i'll just say be good to yourself, remember you need time to adjust and learn as much as your wonderful baby does!!

Lots and lots of love and luck
HHH


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Dear everhopeful

I just wanted you to know that what you are feeling is completely natural - you can get the baby blues, even if you haven't given birth to your beautiful daughter.

When we fist got our son (he was 3, when he came to live with us) he was pleased he had a new mummy & daddy but I wasn't his favorite person.   He would rather go to his Daddy than me at first & yes it did hurt & took a while for me to understand where my DS was coming from.  He had never really had a father figure in his life so this was something new to him & exciting as I was just someone who washed cooked & cleaned.

As soon as my DH went back to work things changed, he only had me at home & our time became very special & we cemented our bonds!  DS couldn't wait for daddy to come home to play with but that's natural children's behavior.

When we got our DD after a terrible year, we couldn't wait to show her off, family & friends were round nearly every day & after a while we just wanted to be on our own.

DH went back to work & things got back to normal but I felt so gloomy & couldn't understand why, until I spoke to my social worker & she said she thought I had a touch of the baby blues!!!!!

I learned to enjoy myself with my children & put the terrible year we'd had behind us.  We are all doing fine now & as I can keep saying I wouldn't swap my lovely children for anything!

Don't think you are being silly for a moment & don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do.

Sorry to waffle I hope I've helped you feel better & i promise you tomorrow will be another day!!

Bye for now 

Superal
          xx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Ever

As Superal says you can have baby blues even if you haven't been pg.  I can vouch for myself that I have had them.  

I have the complete opposite to you.  My two are so totally attached to me that all I have to do is leave the room and they scream and cry (its getting better as time goes on though).  whilst I have wanted to be a mum for so long having my name repeatedly called for no reason throughout the day can be very draining.

We purposely avoided doing too much with family in their first weeks here and concentrated on them getting to know the people they would be spending the most time with.  particularly as we had to rely on some of them for childcare when doing intro's with the youngest.

Don't feel sad.  There are plenty of us here to offer support, being a new mum is hard, to be a new mum to a child who already has their identity is harder.

Sending you lots of cyber hugs

Love
Karen x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for your words of experience and wisdom. It has made me feel heaps better.

I think I'm going to concentrate on enjoying the next few days (can't think beyond that at the moment), and unplug the phone and ignore the door. Overly-enthusiastic relatives are exactly the opposite to what I'm needing. I need space and time to get to know my daughter.

Thanks again, it means so much. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm now starting to look forward to it. I'll keep you posted.

Ever xx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Glad to hear you are feeling alot happier & more positive. Tomorrow is a new day & you will enjoy your time on your own with your precious daughter.

superal
        xx


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Ever,

Just wanted to send you a big hug and say you are and are going to be a wonderful mummy. Just take time for you and your DH and your special little girl.

Love and Hugs Mandyxx


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## movinggirl (Mar 29, 2005)

Dear Ever,

Just wanted to let you know that from a professional point of view, what you are feeling is completely normal. The advise and support offered by the others is spot on and you really have to be kind to yourself and let you adjust as well.

It's one thing wanting, it is quite a new thing when reality arrives!! This is one of the reason's social workers often say that you need to take time to introduce you new child to all the people that are important to you, as she needs to get to know you too. Intro's are just that - introductions and all the 'work' around attachments, bonding, boundary setting and so on has just began. Take your time and do be good to yourself. 

Additionally, at the point of handover (when the child moves to your home) and soon after is, as one adopter told me, very bitter sweet. While you have a wonderful new child in the family, it also brings up all those feeling you felt during fertility investigations and so on. Only not in the slower release as each thing fails. It's a huge whammy! And you have not had time to deal with that yet as you have had so much going on with all your friends and family around. Thus I think the 'lock the door and turn off the phone' policy is a good one. Sit and watch her, take time and be with her, you will see and find lots of little things that you fall in love with over and over again. 

I stand by what I always say - adoptors are amazing people and adoption is just another word for love. You have heaps to give.  

Sorry to go on, but I have seen it and you are normal. Hope you are feeling better soon  
M


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## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Hi Ever,

Have been following your story, and am really pleased you have finally been blessed with a baby girl. Even though I have not yet had the experience, we were warned at our prep course that these feelings are totally natural! It is such a massive build up and we go through so much heartache along the way, as well as suddenly having a child which totally changes life as we know it.

Every adoptive parent who came to talk to us said exactly what you are saying, but the good news is that in time, they all came out the other side and were happier than they had ever been.

It is difficult to avoid family and friends at first because I suppose they all want to see her, but from her point of view, at this stage, she sees everybody in the same light. Now that you have lots of time together, I am sure she will soon know who her mummy is, and it sounds to me like you will be a wonderful mum.

Good luck.

Lots of Love.


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Ever

Sorry to hear you've had the blues but pleased to hear that you're feeling more positive.

I can only add to what everyone else has posted.  XXXXX is very sociable but I remember the first day we met him and he instinctively went for Lee rather than me.  Like you we really showed him off because he was so sociable and so adorable, and he would go to anyone but at home he continued to go to Lee rather than me for a couple of months.  I remember many tearful sessions (especially around that time of the month   ) with me saying "He doesn't like me, I'm a useless Mother".  Now it's completely different, I was at work today and Lee said all he got all morning was "Mummy, Mummy".  He's just this second come over and given me a kiss before going for a walk with his dad, but this is all recent stuff that he wasn't doing for the first 3 months.  Also after a while the enormity of what has happened hits you like a tonne of bricks and although you're really pleased it is still very daunting and when your child isn't coming to you for comfort you start picturing your life purely as a cook and cleaner.

I hope you managed to have a quieter day today and just allow yourself more time to bond with your daughter.  Let's face it pregnant women get 9 months to bond with their children!!

love
Cindy


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## starrysky (Dec 6, 2004)

Hi Everhopeful

I haven't adopted but was I adopted myself. There are two things I thought of when I read your post - one was that when we go through fertility treatment we live with the fear that we will nevr have children so I guess whan we do, there must be a fear that the child will be taken away. That it is not really real and that we have got to rush to make the most of it. So that must take time to settle. 

Secondly, you have a lifetime with your little girl, you're her mum and will be forever, so there is plenty time for you to develop a wonderful relationship. 

Best wishes to you. 

Heather


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