# fancy a moan, i am 43



## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

43 with secondary infert', been ttc No.2 for 3 1/2 years. fed up of reading/hearing of women my/our age who have achieved pregnancy with no effort and naturally/immediately. jo whiley was in the papers the other day, pg with No.4 at 42 and had not been ttc. my ex best friend is pg with No. 3, hadn't been ttc and last time i heard from her she said she didn't want it either and had only done it once and bam. i ain't given up yet though, may as well try a bit longer. been having acu' at the KITE clinic in new bond street, they have a supposed high success rate of treating unexplained infert including in older women such as myself (take a look at their website) plus been taking fertility plus for women health vitmamins for fertility, also recommended highly to me by ex best friend. surrounded by women my age pg straight away with no treatment, made me feel quite crap actually. blessed with one, long for another. had a major go at yet another well meaning 'friend' who had a go at me as i made the mistake of mentioning i was having a hard day as had just come on. i am sick of being told by do gooders like her what and how i should be feeling; how dare they presume to know how i feel. she has completed her family and with ease ie never had a mc. moan over, good evening


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## Happiness07 (Aug 16, 2007)

Hi Kelway,
It can be really hard on us 43 yr olds who are trying ttc. My cousin got married precisely 9 months ago and they've just had a son! I work in a primary school and all around me there is evidence of some uncaring mothers who just don't know how lucky they are! I am due to start IVF no 4 in June after having both tubes removed - previously they thought I had unexplained infertility as well. I hope that we 43yr olds get lucky - there seem to be women of our age who are getting pregnant so it is possible. In a way I have secondary infertility ( I had an abortion 22 yrs ago) as well if I had kept my baby and believe me in hindsight I wish i had ..but I guess there is no point dwelling on this! Sorry too much information ! X


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## BG (May 23, 2006)

Hi Kelway
I know how you feel !!  My DH's mate....who I cant really stand, his wife is on pregnancy No2.  They have money, property, looks !!!  EVERYTHING !!!  Makes me sick.  We had a 5th and FINAL go at treatment, I have my scan on Wednesday to see if I am still PG.  My HCG level was 54 on day 18 so not looking too good, although it did go up by 80% in 48 hours.  Just hoping for a miracle but not too hopeful.  Just bought some 'rescue remedy' and nearly hit the wine during cooking.  Feeling quite miserable today, so we can both have a moan.  I feel for you Happiness, working with children and seeing what you see.  I had to go to emergency Gyne to get some more Clexane and there was an anti natal class starting. I watched in horror as a couple in their early 20's, walked into the room, they were filthy, she was about 7 months and they had a little one in a pushchair, how I did'nt punch 7 bags of c*?# into them I dont know.  Could have blamed it on my hormones !!!  Life can really seem very unfair.  Well thanks for letting me have my moan.  We all have to keep our chins up, and it is true that there is always someone worse off than you.  Keeps me going anyway !!!
Take care.

BG


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi chaps, thanks for your responses. happinness - all the best in your 4th ivf try and BG, fingers crossed for you this time. you don't sound very hopefull and i am unsure as to why? you are PG!! i see no reason why you should assume this pregnancy has not worked, really. i had a missed mc @ 9 weeks before i had my dd and when i was pg with her oddly enough i didn't really bother too much about having another mc, i just enjoyed every moment of being pg and was lucky as i sailed through it. my ex best friend (long story) is currently pg with No. 3 (same age as me, 43 and only did it once, lucky sod, AND she doesn;t really want it), anyway, she had about 6 mc's before she fell pg successfully with her second point being that many mc's really doesn't guarantee that one will never have a successful pg, it may just seem that way. i have no right to feel sorry for myself as i know i am blessed with a child but i still ache for another and my plight at not being able to get pg with second has been made worse as i am pretty much the only one of my friends who has been unable to get pg (not even had a mc, totally nothing) in my forties, most have AND without any treatment. i know of a fair few women who all got pg both naturally AND QUICKLY at 43. this has given me false hope really as i obviously don't have their fertility. putting aside my self endulged moan, i wish both of you the best of luck, all the best xx


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## anna the third (Jan 15, 2008)

i would love to have one. you're quite lucky. xxx


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## Happiness07 (Aug 16, 2007)

Hi all,
Thanks for all your support- am getting excited since I start around the 20th July.Can't help feeling some worry since I have no tubes so can't get pregnant without IVF! It is such high stakes isn't it?
BG -how exciting that you're pregnant and I totally understand that you want to take a step at a time!!
Kelway -you are lucky to have a child already BUT it must still be so difficult to not be able to have a sibling for him/her. 
I'm going to try with my own eggs another 3 times in total and then go onto donor eggs . Feel worried about all these hormones - hope that they don't do any lasting damage!
Take care and a cautious good luck to BG-keep us posted!
X


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

sorry to have offended you, you are right, i will go back to the secondary infertility section. i can see how my moan may come over as being unintentionally insensitive.


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Hi Kelway

I don't think you were being insensitive at all. Yes you're lucky to already have a child, but you're also having problems ttc and i'm sure it's upsetting and stressful for you too. We're all entitled to a moan now and again! Or in my case, all the time  

Happiness - good luck with the tx - good planning to have it in the summer hols!

Moth x


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi moth, thanks for your post. no, i can see that my post may have been unintentionally insensitive. before i had dd i had a mc and used to post on a mc board. there were alot of us and i remember being a bit irritated by one women who had a child already as at the time i couldn't understand how she felt pain having a child already, now i understand although her pain wasn't the same as someone who has not yet had a child. all the best to you too. i wish it would stop raining....have a nice weekend xx


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

No problem - yes, I am really sick of this weather  - however, here in Wales it rains most of the year!  

Good luck to you too. Hopefully we'll all get lucky in 2008, it's bad enough having fertility probs, but it's even worse when your age is a factor too, i feel like everything is against us and can't think of anything positive right now    

Fingers crossed though, you never know!  

Moth x


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

how old are you moth (if you don't mind me asking) x


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Will be 42 in a few months  

where did the last 20years go!

Probably be starting our first tx next month, once i've decided whether to do long or short protocol. Any thoughts?  

Moth x


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## Happiness07 (Aug 16, 2007)

Dear Kelway,
I'm horrified to think I gave you the impression that you were being insensitive - I was merely observing that you are lucky to have a child ! I am in no position to say that you are not having your own private pain associated with secondary infertility ! There is no hierarchy of pain so please do not post on another board or feel apologetic!!!!
Moth - I usually start on day 1 and do the protocol which involves downregging first using suprecur-not really sure what it's called! Anyway I have always managed to get a good number of eggs -around 18 so not sure if that helps? 
I agree with Moth that we should all gear ourselves to getting pregnant in 2008-2009! I've been slowly changing my mind set and am gearing towards having donor eggs if these next few attempts don't work but hopefully now that my infected tubes are out I'll stand a better chance. I do feel positive about this attempt even though my stats on paper look bleak!
Have a great weekend - think rain is easing!
XX


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

hi everyone, i wish i could give some top tips on getting pg but i doubt i am a good person to ask as (other than when i was 37 and conceived) i have tried many many things in the last 3 1/2 years and all with no luck, total flat battery. many people around me though have (recently too) got pg immediately with no treatment at all at 43. yesterday i met a lady (nearly 60), she told me she tried for 15 years and then got pg at 35 and had a still birth (at term), she made me cry but then she naturally soon after had two healthy children, seemed her system had to be kicked start, terribly sad though even though she does have two children. right now i feel pretty much like giving up although i still 'do it' every few days which is an effort once af has finished. i take fertility blend natural vitamin pills and have acu (once a month now) at the kite clinic in new bond str which ain't cheap, not at £85 a pop but it specialises in infertility and has had alot of success with older women (although not me.....). i met a lady who has moved into my street this morning. she doesn't have any children. i was cheeky and asked her how old she was as she said she hadn't really thought about it much  but might try at some point (she is 39). i broke the rule and (probably annoyingly but well meaning) said she shouldn't leave it. i apologised to her and said i knew i was being cheeky but didn't want her to make the mistake that many people do by thinking that they can just put it off as i had done. i wanted to help her by pushing her, i wish someone, really do, had done this to me. so many celeb's in the news have late babies and i think it lures us all into a false sense of security despite the fact that i bet alot have treatment with money that most of us do not posess in abundance in the way they have. i was reading an old copy of the mail' this morning and had my heart warmed by reading about the women of 57 who now has a baby by a donated egg from someone who read her add on a london bus, really lovely story. best of luck everyone.


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## lucymorgan (Nov 2, 2007)

Kelway,

just read your post and your story is so similar to mine its scary.  First kid at 37, ttc for 3 years, secondary infertility, plus the way you feel about other women who seem to have in their 40s without much effort.  I feel so similar.............

My neighbour has just had number 5 and she is 45.......  Why did my battery have to stop so suddenly.  It doesn't help that I live in Crouch End in London which is nappy valley for ladies in their 30s and 40s.  I often sit and have a latte and see so many women that look older than me with babies or pregnant.  I almost want to ask them how old they are......

Anyway I try and shift into a more positive mindset but its hard sometimes.  Still I'm now on a new route with a lot higher chances of success and hopefully in 9 months I will be the 40 something woman pushing a baby around Crouch End.  I've had 3 m/cs and think the problem is my age and my egg quality and have decided that the only realistic option of having another child is by using DE.  I never thought I would be in this position but I actually feel okay about it and glad that I have this option.


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

thanks for your response. you are lucky you are going down the de path; i would gladly but dh won't. some people are so unintentionally insensitive - this morning i was chatting to a women who knows about my secondary infertility, i can't believe what she said. she told me about how a friend of hers had a young child who died of leukemia and would NEVER have just one or two as you could end up with nothing. thanks for telling me that, this i am already aware and fills me with terror. i would gladly die rather than live on after the unthinkable. why did she tell me this? i already have that deep routed fear inside me. when i was heavily pg a cat i befriended brought with it cat flees and try and i did to get rid of them on my own (ie daily sprayed the flat etc) i ended up having to have the place fumigated, anyway getting to the point. i read in the bloody daily mail (voice of doom) ages ago but it has stuck in my head how there is a higher rate of childhood leukemia in children whose mothers were exposed to house hold pesticides....this haunts me so for this women to say what she said. if it wasn't for the fact that she had just done me a business favour (i had just bought some nice vintage pieces off her that she had put aside for me) i would have said something. shame you don't live where i live although i don't live too far from you really. i live in south woodfor (east london/essex border) and it is serious nappy valley here too. have you ever been to the sandpit/playground in queenspark? that too is nappy central, very similar vibe to crouch end. i have a vintage market stall in columbia road sunday morning flower market if you wanted to pop by and say hello. that is serious nappy valley too, teeming with older women lopping broods out like there is no tomorrow. what i can't understand is why i have not had a single miscarriage since ttc. i was so fertile (got pg twice immediately but lost one) but nothing since. i tell myself it is my eggs but i would have thought that iwould have had a mc. it sounds so ridiculous and desperate but i would prefer to have had the odd mc than nothing at all, just to feel the wonder of being pg even if it is for a brief period, only a desperate women would understand my madness and i have experienced a miscarriage so i know the pain, i had to have a d&c as i didn't miscarry naturally. sorry to ramble but it is so rare to talk to someone in the same situ's as me. joxx


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## lucymorgan (Nov 2, 2007)

Jo,

I do also have occasional thoughts that if I had more that one I wouldn't have all my eggs in one basket (so to speak).  What happens if something terrible happens to him or we don't get along as he gets older .................  I think the chances of these things happening are pretty low but I do sometimes think it and feel it I had more kids I wouldn't feel this so much.  I really wouldn't worry about the cat flea spray and leukemia - if your worried just don't use it again in future.  I think its more likely to be a problem if you used it every day over many years and the house had no air circulating.  If you are really worried maybe you should talk to your GP as they may be able to reassure you.  People can be insensitive and don't always think about what they are saying.

Also my DS is a very sociable person and he loves being with other kids.  Luckily we have a neighbour opposite who is 7 and he spends a lot of time with him, sometimes I cant get him to come home without a big fuss.  He has never said it but I know he would love to be part of a big family, he adores being with his 4 cousins and gets on with all of them from the 11 year old to the 2 year old.  Although it would be a big age gap (wouldn't have been if my plan to have another when he was 2 worked   ) I still think he would love to have a sister / brother even if they were 5 or more years younger.

I haven't been to Queenspark or South Woodford, although I've been round the north circular lots of times so have probably gone very near without realising it.  Are you near the cost co and ikea ?

I had 2 m/cs in 2006 and thought that I could just keep going and after maybe 4 or 5 I would finally be successful.  However after 2 in 2006 I then couldn't get pregnant in 2007 (with my DS it took 4 months only) until I had GIFT at UCH at the end of 2007.  So I thought finally I have succeeded and I saw a heartbeat and was convinced that this time it was all okay.  After the 2nd scan hey said it looked a few days smaller than would be expected but scanners can be out by 5 days so I wasn't too worried.  Then I woke up and felt different and the heartbeat had stopped.  I had analysis done on the embryo and there were 46 chromosomes and it was very abnormal. I think fertility can rapidly decline and we were both successful with our first and were lucky we didn't wait any longer.  Now the odds are stacked against me and I could possibly have another but the chances are very low.  I am not trying to be negative but I am realistic.  I guess I've decided the way I was trying is to draining and too unlikely to succeed so I am taking another route.  My odds will be about 55% per cycle and I am convinced that within 2 goes it will work and if it hasn't then it really wasn't meant to be.  I am very lucky that we both feel the same way, in fact my DP would like more kids more than me.  I do sometimes think that I will lose some of the independence I have gained over the last couple of years but then its only for a short period of time.  Also I really don't like being pregnant and having been pregnant for 3 months for each m/c was pretty hard.  I felt lousy and put on loads of weight and then lost the baby and the 3rd time I almost lost my mind, it was a close one as I felt like I was going to have a breakdown.  I'm fine now but wasn't;t earlier in the year.

I was in Columbia road sunday flower market about 3 months ago getting plants for my garden - it is such good value.  What an amazing place to work.  Is it still busy in the autumn / winter months ? I can only remember a couple of stalls selling vintage gear near the shops .. is that where your stall is ?  I will definitely pop in and say hello.

Okay mine was more than a ramble......

LucyM xx


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## kelway (Dec 9, 2006)

sorry to read about your mc's - i can't imagine what it felt like to have reach three months 3 times and then to have miscarried. i had one mc at 10 weeks (baby stopped growing at around 7) and that was bad enough. for some odd reason i have not had a single mc since ttc all these years, guess i will never know why, could be no particular reason. i know of a fair few women who naturally and quickly conceived using their eggs older than us (43/44/46). my ex best friend (long story) had about 6/7 mc's before successfully getting pg with No/. 2 using her own eggs. before she succeeded in getting pg she paid and had many an appointment with good gyni's and all said her eggs would never work at her age (42) but she is now heavily pg with No. 3 again using her own eggs. these success stories no longer fill me with hope, more envy which makes me feel depressed and awful if i think about it as it makes me feel less of a women than them. on a different note, i live very near to the cost co/ikea, two exits off the northcircular!! as for the market, it is lovely in the autumn and winter ONLY WHEN IT IS DRY THOUGH. not looking good for tomorrow, i still have to stall out in all weathers and the tarpaulin covers leak so i am not looking forward to tomorrow but hoping for a dry miracle, there is a good spirit of the blitz down there though when it does rain, you just have to get on with it. funny but the last few months i have barely tried to get pg, feel really fed up with the whole thing but will hopefully resume my attempts next month - i turn 44 in dec and will give it one more year............i seem to keep extending it, too depressing to accept yet that i have missed my slot. funny thing is that it is so darn lovely and comfortable being the three of us that i know it would send a shockwave through our house if i did get pg again. i just watch on cathuptv an episode of wifeswap with a women who has TEN children and she is still only 34, had her first at 16. joxx


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