# Husband says loves me, but no longer in love......surprising result!



## Bottle5 (Nov 9, 2010)

I'd be heartbroken if I had any emotions left. We've always been so incredibly close, hes sensitive to me & supportive - hes never wanted anyone elses company but mine, doesnt bother with anyone else - and he told me Tues that he "..loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore.." talked about all marriages go through that, weve had more to cope with than most, it was sad, we're both tired - worn down - little pleaseure in life........sure you all know what I mean........ 

Since Febs 5th icsi failed, trying to decide what to do next - investigating adoption for 2nd time - but I've been honest for the first time and Sunday I said that I cant stop trying in the hope that 1 day it may work.....Im afraid to stop even though I really dont think it will work. And Tuesday he says this to me.

I know hes tired and worn down by it all - we;ve spent 9.5 out of 11 yrs trying. We both understand why we feel like this - but have nothing left to fix it.

Makes it worse? - I'm his boss, we have stressful jobs but no money to take a break cos it all pays off the tx's weve had over the years which weve always had to put on credit cards.....I never want to know how much in total its cost. We live/work 4 hrs away from family/friends, sometimes a blessing, most of the time not!! 

I dont think hes being unfaithful - not physically, but maybe started emotionally detaching or preparing me He says he'll do next tx with me but no more after that.........

I have nothing left to give and Im afraid of where I know in my heart of hearts, this is going.......


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## LadyG85 (Mar 14, 2011)

Bottle, I'm so sorry I did not want to read and run 

I just wanted to say that we are here to support you, like a FF family away from home! Your husband sounds emotionally de-tached at the moment, almost like he feels he has failed you and is possibly also scared to have another tx and it not work. You just need to sit down with him and go through things together, make him realise that you are in this together and that its not just him who is hurting and that you are suppost to support eachother. 

I know you mentioned about not having money, but you could try and make time for a date night maybe once a week, cook dinner and make eachother realise why you fell in love in the first place? Maybe re-visit a restuarant or the place where you met and re-light the spark... and if that doesnt work then you need to think about what you want! (remember your a person too with wants and needs!) and if he doesn't want the same things then maybe you should think about what you actually want out of life! If a child is something what you've always wanted and a life time goal, then do not hold back because of him!!

Times like this can be hard, and I can't imagine what you are feeling right now but remember you are special, you are a person and you deserve the best out of life without anyone or anything holding you back.   xxx


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## ennorahs (Nov 16, 2010)

I just read this and feel so sad and hurt about the way it has impacted on both of you.

All I can say is that I have gone through a similar situation and it s because IVF throws a whole set of emotions that sometimes it becomes too much for anyone to take.

I think DH needs to support you regardless and he should share his feeling with you and possible both seek counselling.
I can assure you that with the right counsellor and both being receptive , it can work.

Fortunately and unfortunately emotions and feelings can change but there should be consideration and care when it comes to someone you have been through the mill with.

I wish you well.


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## felicity0288 (Feb 3, 2011)

Hi Bottle
I am so sad to hear your situation. It is so hard when you keep trying and failing. We have been on the rollercoaster for 9 years out 0f 11.
It is almost like your life would be odd without the constant cycle. We had a year off everything, it was good as we got back our true feelings for each other. We decided to have one last chance in November it failed. We are both upset and snapping through the stress and hurt. Yet I know this is not us.I know when the hormones are out off my system and we have had time to recuperate we'll be ok. I believe that time is a healer and maybe you just need a break from the treatment to reconnect. I am also looking at adoption yet I feel this is still pressure on our relationship so am taking the steps slowly. I wish you all the best!
Felicity x


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## Bottle5 (Nov 9, 2010)

can I say thank you for the kind messages...I'ive not been on since because I just find it so hard sometimes, as supportive as everyone is....we have been trying and talking....but we're so tired of it all. We have decided that adoption isn't right for us - it would be more about our desperation for a child/family and in all honesty, I havent the energy or enthuisiasm to go through it all again. We have sepnt last few months again seriously considering adoptio, reading all the books, all the sites, talking to people we know who have been adopted......but it isn't right for us. We should have made the decision before we started down the tx route - I think we both feel too damaged now...does that make sense?

So....somehow my mind for the first time has been starting to realise that no matter how unfair it is, or how many good deeds or nice a person I try to be, or desparately want it - that isn't enough to give me the gift of a child, and it just really wont work. Even if we do tx again, I cant imagine it working. But Im afraid of making the decision to say 'no more' becasue I'll always have that little hope each month that I could be one of the 'miracles' (even if we dont 'do it!' anymore, I still get upset when AF comes - how crazy!!!!)

have been reading Beyond Childlessness again by Rebecca Black and Louise Snell....gives comfort reasding things youre afrain sometimes to admit (even on here)...at least I know Im not the only crazy bird, but also brings home these feelings may change over time, but will never go away...

I hate not being a mummy, I hate knowing I'll never be one and despite all the good sense things and hating myself for being so selfish and not just getting on with life, that I just feel too too sad yet ever hopeful for a miracle....ffs, I want to kick myself up my own backside!!!


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Oh bottle  

Its good that you have realised that adoption isnt for you - instead of going down the path and then right at the end realise its not really what you both want.  But yes theres still a huge hole thats so difficult to fill  

I have no magic wand   but I can say from my experience that you can move forward - its not easy but life can be good again I promise.

You havent mentioned how things are with dh - I really do hope things have got better for you both.

In a way for me stopping the tx actually lifted a huge weight off my shoulders in a strange way.  Hard to explain but we had spent so much time energy and not to mention money trying for something that had no guarantees - it wore us out too.

Theres no rush to do anything right now - just take more time and enjoy each others company.

Sending you lots of love and strength.

Debs xxx


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## Bottle5 (Nov 9, 2010)

OK...I just wanted to post on here 1 last time.   I dont want to offend anyone, rather try and give some hope from someone who never, ever saw any hope other than having my own babies.

I cant explain why, but in the last week or so, there has been such a drastic shift in how I view life and everything else!!

My starting point was re-reading some books about childlessness....that progressed (with no plans to), to talking with DH and what options were available and realised I just dont want to continue with life on hold, hoping next tx will work when heart of hearts, I cant see it working. You'll know from previous posts how hard Ive found this last year, the desperation and sheer loss Ive felt...and just a week or so ago, I thought I'd made the final decision that Adoption wasn't for us.

In 2006 we started the adoption route, but pulled out 1) husband only doing it for me 2) my SIL gave birth to my niece and I was birth partner...made me realise I wasnt ready to give up trying tx 3) more I found out about adoption, more I realised my reasons weren't 'pure' enough i.e I didnt think it was fair on a child us doing it for our desperation for a family, rather than our desire to provide a loving home for a child.

Since then I have 'flirted' with idea of adoption....numerous books about process, attachment, grief, discussd with family, talked with friend who was adopted....on Adoption Uk site frequently reading posts of all stages, including adopters with older adoptees and was under no illusions how hard, how much we'd have to give and how the process likely to be a continuous one throughout the childs life...and my worries kept putting me off.   I could see no further than my desperation for my child.

BUT recently I have asked myself 2 questions; 1) if I am to be childless, what life do I want for myself & with DH and 2) when Im older how will I cope with continuing childlessness and would I regret decisions.

I dont mean to sound selfish when I talk about 'me'...DH in same boat with thought process but (typical maybe for a man??) He's not good on doing all the finding out/reading and prefers my take on it - he knows he has to be more active should we start the process again..anyhoo!!!

I am continuing to waver between absolutely yes, and worries about everything..the more I read and find out, the more I worry about if I'd be good enough, how I would deal with rejection (at any age), all sorts of things. Are we too damaged by tx to make good parents now...are we too selfish, used to getting up when we want/lie-ins (me, mind, not th DH!!!), used to only sorting our animals out, kids being a lot harder!?

I am an over-analyser and think about the details....the scenarios/conversations I've had with my 'imaginery' childern on everything from if/when they become parents, old age, jobs, their birth family, how Id feel if they wanted to know them when they're older....there isn't a detail Ive not thought about!!!

Originally (before knew about infertility), me and DH had planned to have 1/2 of our own and foster/adopt becuase my view was always about giving a loving home and having a large family...I was never particulary bothered about 'babies'...but we've been though a lot of disappoiontments and have re-evaluated the reasons why we wanted children in first place and whats important - we accept we are where we are, now diffrent people and not as naive as we once were.....dealing with the grieving process and acceptance is an on-going thing but we're over the worst if it..now its mostly sadness and this uncertainty if we're good anough/could cope about adoption.

So I posted the above on Adoption UK.....and asked to hear from anyone who started with the same uncertainty and they knew it was absolutely the right thing for them. Last week I was convinced yes, previous night we talked though the process and how difficult but rewarding..I woke up following morning thinking no, how would we manage??   

There are SOOOOO many couples who started Adoption process from exactly the same place, with same fears and uncertainties..BUT...something  clicked...and I never thought it would. Is that the grieving process Ive refusing to acknowledge?

Anyway...we have decided we need to change our outlook because end of day, we want a family, not for it to be just us, not for us to be apart...just a family. I know it doesnt suit all...but I just want to say, that for us that light bulb moment has happened, when its all clicked into place. We've sent an enquiry form off ...so start of long road and heartache, I know. But for the first time in 8 years I feel happy  . We may decide during prep course, it isn't for us...but until we try, we wont know...

Sorry for long post, but I just wanted to share how our doubts and fears almost stopped us from moving forward.

Good thoughts and hopes for you all xx


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Bottle
Just wanted to say I am glad you feel so happy for the first time in a long time.  All the best with your adoption journey however long it takes, or whatever you may decide in future.  I am sure you will have doubts/concerns but as you say you will never know unless you try.
Good luck to you x


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## Elderflower (Jul 17, 2010)

Bottle

I realise it was a little while ago you posted this, I'm not on that often at the moment as really trying to stop obsessing about it all, but your last post really struck a chord with me. After my 3rd unsuccessful IVF my DH and I have applied for adoption. Now it is a very long road here in Ireland as we only have inter-country (looking at 5 years+) but we sent in our application pack about a month or so ago and are waiting to be called for a prep course. I just wanted to say that I share all of the worries and concerns you voiced in your last post, I too over analyse everything and do loads and loads of research and then an afraid I won't be able to cope with any of it (mostly I worry about being too old!) but I ploughed through my pack and sent in the application anyway and am just planning to take it one step at a time and see what happens.

I just wish I could get my dh to take a bit more of an interest, I mean he more or less agrees to whatever I want to do but he never, ever brings up the subject and I really worry that he feels like I am forcing him to go this route. It also feels a bit lonely sometimes as he is really the only person I can talk to about it but I hate bringing it up now so end up trying to avoid it and then find we don't have much else to talk about (have started worrying recently that we are going to end up one of those couples who sit across the dinner table from each other in total silence, even though we always used to have great chats).

Anyway, I am rambling, but just wanted t wish you all the best and let you know I understand your feelings and how uncertain it all is and if you ever want a chat I would be happy to talk.
xx


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## Jen xx (Mar 14, 2011)

Hope everythin works out for u pet!!Elderflower,wat part of Ireland are u from?I'm in N Ireland and we also enquired about adoption,still hopin to at some stage however the social worker could have got me on the prep course the followin month and the whole process would take 1 year then up to another year to be matched with a child!!

Jenna xx


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## Elderflower (Jul 17, 2010)

Hi Jenna, I am in the South, it's a much longer process here unfortunately


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