# 10 Years and feeling a bit lost!!!



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls i'm back after my 10 days off over Easter. 

However, this week coming we are celebrating 10 years since our first date- well official kiss at my flat warming . I was in 2 minds as to whether to celebrate or not and was thinking of a night away. Have since decided just to go out for a nice meal on saturday night. Dh was in 2 minds about marking the occasion also as we started out so full of hope and our last 2 years have been s000 difficult(altho this year a bit better than last!)

My problem is i think i peaked too early in the relationship stakes- let me explain!! I was only 25 when i met my dh and his dd(she was 4 going on 5). I had had a long relationship before this which was on and off for 6 years- then i finally wised up.Dh also had relationship with dd's mother (altho somewhat shorter)

Anyway met dh as i said - all my friends were still single then or just going out with people as suited. I moved in with dh and dd a year after we met(1997) and got engaged a year after that(199,married in 1999. I took on the role of mum to my stepdaughter like a duck to water as i had always looked after kids in my teens. No-one really batted an eyelid as i was always the maternal type.Of course it meant i couldnt go out every night of the week as i used to but i didnt mind and dh and i went away on weekends etc.

The problem is now - as stepdaughter is 15 we are having our freedom now(while still hoping for our miracle). My sister is getting married in Aug, other one next year and brother moving in with girlfriend.All my friends now have young kids and now they cant go out when i can!!! This will continue i am sure with my family now they are settling down! 

I finally went to see a friend last week whose dd is now 1 as i couldnt face it all last year.I was in 2 minds about how i felt after the visit as at first her dd was crying a lot and i felt "God i could do without this really" and we couldnt have a proper chat. HOWEVER when i came home it was so quiet as my stepdaughter was out again(this was first holidays where we havent had to have structured activities- altho she still needs the lifts here there and everywhere!!! )

I just feel so in between right now- i am sure that by the time my family members have kids they will have forgotten that i brought one up while they were running about!! I do go to classes but that is really just to keep busy and i am afraid the next few years are going to be even harder.

Just wanted your opinions lovely ladies and any advice!!! I also have another question but i will leave that to another day!!

xxxxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

I just wanted to say I think you have been fantastic with your SD so far. Just because she isn't your 'natural' daughter you seem like a 'proper' mum to her and you obviously care deeply about her.
It can't be easy for you 

DH and I got together young (we started dating when I was 18 and married when I was 21). All of our friends have since married and have had children. We are the last of the 'childfree' group - most are not having or trying for number 2.

I guess our IF leads us to find a different way of life in many areas. I have thrown myself into my work since the loss of our little boy - its my coping method. I know others who take classes or have multiple holidays or buy fast cars 

I wish there was a manual to tell us what we are supposed to enjoy and how we are supposed to behave. it would make it all so much easier! 

I wish I could help but I guess I'm in the same place 
Deb


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx Deb, as usual your words ring true! I suppose i just feel lonely sometimes. If friends are busy at the weekend i tend to go out with my mum and sister but i know that i will feel awkward doing that in the future especially as they might have families themselves.

I think it is worse because i am the oldest and i always organised everything. I now feel that they are all moving on with their lives and i am stuck.ifeel i should have moved on sooner! 

Thanx anyway


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Irisheyes
I agree with Debbie, i think you have been a great mother to your Step daughter..
I think it must be hard as well, because you are young and it must be hard as you are surrounded by friends who have young children. I get the feeling that this is all still very raw for you (i hope i am not making assumptions)..This must bring some upset with your life and of course gets you to question everything...
Does your hubby feel the same way about not knowing where his life is going? now that your daughter is getting older? i wonder if alot of parents do feel this way when their children get older?
Does he want you to start doing other things, such as staying away for the weekend etc?
Have you thought about joining a gym? any other social activities?
Do you have any friends that do not have any children? to surround yourself with their company?
I have friends with little children and to be honest, i will see them when i can but it doesn't bother me such so more. I am now starting to look for company where i can have a drink, laugh and just socialise without children talk...its about finding ourselves and sometimes its harder for us, as you say because we have to face it long before most people...
I hope i have made sense 
love astridxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Astrid. Yes i think i am having the worst of both worlds!! Having a step daughter grow up and move away from us plus not being able to have children!!

We used to go away on weekends alot when she was younger as it was easier to leave her with her grandparents or aunt (who had a child the same age) but who wants to look after someone elses teenager!! Too many things can go wrong!! Also now that her mum has returned from abroad her allocated time is the friday and sunday.We wouldnt leave her with her mum all weekend as she is an idiot and would let her get up to all sorts(lets face it 15 year ols dont need any encouragement!!) and its too much hassle to arrange for her to stay at grandparents and call down to mums.They are nearly 80 and also never liked her ma!!! So i guess in a couple of years we will be able to go off on our own again.

Like all of us on this board i just feel so young to be thinking of "filling time" rather than living it if you know what i mean. My dh has got very involved in golf- the thing with him is that most of his friends all have older kids(he is 45 and 10 years older than me you see) but mine are all settling down now with young families - think its different for him. I think he is also beginning to think he is too old for another child as even if i got pg this year he would be 60 by the time it was 15!!! And its hard enough at the mo when we are 45 and 35.

I guess i will work thru it eventually. Take care on your hols and have fun!!!


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## rachelk (Apr 27, 2006)

Hi I am new to this board but have read your post and can really relate to what you are saying, I'm 36 and dh is 49!  He too has dropped into conversation this year that he thinks he is too old to have another child, I have a SD-21yrs, SS-25yrs and SS-24yrs!  My friends have all got toddlers/babies and I am at the stage where I don't really know where to go from here?  I have joined a gym and tend to go out alot with my mother.  My brother has decided that he doesn't want children so the chance of my parents becoming grandparents is non existent really, so I have the guilt of that too.  We have lots of holidays/weekends away and I fill time but being only 36 I can totally relate to what you're saying.  I also bought the fast car which helps in the summer when I can get her top off!  

Astrid is right about trying to find company without children talk, which is what I am trying to do at the moment, it is hard but I keep thinking things can't get any harder can they?
Rachel


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx rachel. You can pm me anytime the step kids get too much!!! Do you have much contact with their mother? My sdaughter has lived with her dad always(apart from 6 mths as a baby) but i have been there since age 5 and she is now 15. Unfortunately her birth mother is a looper  - she moved away for a few years which was great but of course ruined that too and came back as sd was becoming teenager!!! Her ma thinks she is still a teenager and of course lets sd get away with anything so we look like the baddies and bores!!! take care and keep in touch!!


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hi Irisheyes

I know where you are coming from hunni

As you know my SD has just turned 18 and is due to have a baby herself in May ... Making dh and I Grandparents!!! 

I am feeling utterly lost about this myself right now .... dh seems to have moved on gratefully from our tx problems and has easily moved into the role of expectant grandfather .... There is just NO WAY I can fill a role of Nanny

I have only just turned 34 and whilst I often feel 104 I am not ready to play happy families yet ... It's not that long since I started trying to accept and move on in my own life and I don't think I have truly given up (not forever) if you know what I mean ... It's kind of a safe place for me to keep the option open for trying again at some point in the future....but my dh seems happy to forget that we have not tried for our own family and just move on into the role of grandad 

I too feel lost in my life and in my relationship ... I don't feel like "I Fit" anywhere anymore

My dh is about to fill the role of grandad, my sisters kids have all grown up so fast .. my eldest niece is going to be 21 this year and the youngest is leaving school next year, I have lost contact with most of my friends as they all have families of their own now and we just drift apart as they are always busy, I have gone back into education and am at Uni now so I am surrounded by friends who are all kids themselves, I am like a surrogate Mum at Uni but I find that I am rarely invited to go out with them ... (A) I'm not sure I would want to anyway and (B) DH would not appreciate it

So like you I feel lost .... everyone around me has moved on into new roles in their lives and I am like a square peg trying to fit into round holes









D xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi there Dydie, i was wondering about you and when exactly your step daughter was due!! I hope you get the strength to get thru it.  I have thought about that a lot since because i am sooo terrified the same will happen to us with my step daughter.I even keep a look out that her af is still arriving!!! As well as my own!!   I really would dread it and i dont know if i could be as strong as you. I think i would end up leaving for a while to give me space but eventually the guilt would drive me back!!!

Good luck and if you need us we'llbe here!!!


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## rachelk (Apr 27, 2006)

Hi sorry I haven't replied sooner, its been mad at work and my husband decided to take me away for a week in Majorca which was very nice.  We have nothing to do the mother, she is a man hater and has turned the sdaughter into one too.  They have always lived with their mother but have all left home now after going to uni, none of them have returned!  I have just been made a step nan by the eldest, she's 5 weeks old and I think that is one of the reasons why DH has decided he is too old to have another one?  When the announcement was made I really strugggled to cope and I dreaded them coming to visit when she was pregnant but I got thorugh it.  The day she was born was luckily in the middle of my cycle lol so I seemed to cope with that quite well too.  DOn't get me wrong, when I'm on my own and especially at certain times of the month, I wish the world would stop spinning so I can get off, but I've managed to pull myself together and I actually had them over for dinner this weekend and enjoyed it!!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Rachel
Welcome to the thread and your valid input.....you seem to have found alot in common with the girls on this thread...
I must admit this is something out of my league and i haven't got a total understanding of it...its seems as if its a big minefield and unless you experience it then you haven't got a clue about it.....
I must say that i take my hat off to you, irisheyes and Dydie. You sound as if you have had double the amount of issues to deal with on top of your own infertility....i admire your strength....
I really do hope that you find yourself because it sounds as if you have tried flipping hard at getting there....
lots of love astridxx


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