# Unsupportive husband, 2 days away from transfer



## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi everyone,

Can anyone please offer up any advice on husbands being unsupportive? Our embryologist called today and wants to do our egg transfer on Saturday (my husband always knew it would be today or Sat). The moment I tell hubby his immediate response is that it's inconvenient and he was hoping to go to his local garage to work on his car - dumbfounded by his response, I totally lost it and spent most of the day sobbing.  feel so hurt and shocked so far along this journey of IVF which has been tough but I wasn't expecting this.

Going into our marriage we were both very clear that we wanted kids - he even persuaded me not to travel to the states for my career when we met (3 years ago) so we could get married earlier and try for babies (discovering fertility problems his side earlier this year - yet his sperm have now fertilised my eggs and this should be an exciting time!)and all of a sudden having children is "all for me" when he's up until this point been supportive and dealt with the tough times with humor.  He calmly proceeds to tell me that if I do get pregnant the "plastic" kid best not disrupt his life. He basically threw out an endless list of cruel comments in a very calm way that was disturbing.  I suddenly feel very lonely in this marriage and I'm two days away from transfer - he says I best "call a taxi" to get there. Hours later and approaching him with what I will not tolerate in a marriage he accuses me of trying to "make friends" with him in order to secure a lift on Saturday. I know he will take me but he's made it clear it's all for my benefit.

I am struggling to understand this sudden lack of support and cruelty from him (cold feet?), but I'm also thinking I'm not sure I even know him any more.  How can i live with a man who is capable of this? He's booked a sunny holiday over Christmas for my birthday and told me that we are going no matter what - and that if I'm pregnant to not tell the doctor we're going!! If I do get pregnant and can't travel then I won't. If a holiday is more important to him than his wife and potentially unborn child I'm better off without him.

Quite frankly at this point I am prepared to try for this baby and be single if need be - This is a man who has demonstrated love and affection throughout our marriage, then now, at this final hurdle, is the coldest, most cruel I've ever seen him.  Gone through anger, tears and confusion today but am still shocked at his behaviour - like he's trying to punish me for something - how dare he do this at this late stage? 

Has anyone else been through something similar? I know IVF can tear relationships apart - In one horrid day I no longer know who the person I married is as I can't believe he would be so utterly cruel


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## Minidaisy (Oct 23, 2012)

Oh Florence that sounds awful for you and the last thing you need at this stressful time. Its hard to know what to say but I wanted you to know there is support for you here.  Do you have a close friend or family member you could speak to?

My hubby is supportive but his work is not and he was not able to come with me for egg transfer either.  He was upset about this however it was not his fault and the last thing we needed was for him to loose his job!!  I drove myself and the nurse told me it was not uncommon for women to have transfer without there partner...I did feel a little embarrased like billy no mates lol 

I hope you find your answer but you have to do whats right for you.  Sorry I cant offer any better advice.

xxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks Minidaisy, really appreciate your reply and im sorry to hear you went by yourself for transfer. 

The really big difference here is that your husband wanted to be with you, mine doesn't care all of a sudden, it's a Saturday and he'd rather be with his car. The irony is if we get a negative result and he was supportive it wouldn't be so bad, however I will probably just resent him given today he's told me he would be more relieved for a negative! I mean, why go through the last 6 months of appointments, blood tests, samples etc? I feel totally lost at this point. My Mum and close friend have been rocks throughout when it really should be him.  Is it too much to ask for a loving, supportive husband? I've always been there for him but at this crucial moment in time he acts like a total jerk. Your hubby sounds alot more sensitive  

Have a lovely evening, and wishing you all the very best in your journey.
Xoxox


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Florence,

My partner did and said annoying things in the approach to the egg collection (when he HAD to come, as his sperm was needed!), I told him three times "egg collection is 99% certain this date". A fortnight before he tells me he may be out of the country for three weeks, getting back 2 days after EC and "well they'll have to postpone it, this is important!".

Luckily that job fell through and my EC was changed due to slow stem progress, and again, I told dates and *again* he nearly booked a job, saying he can't keep a whole week clear incase some things going to happen.

Honestly, I'm not prone to violence (really I'm not), but I could have punched him one for his sheer lack of understanding.

Part of me now thinks it could be him having been hit by The Fear - I.e. this is really happening now, plus ignorance of how IVF actually works and the support you need. He came to the transfer too, he didn't want to come into the room but I made him and once he saw the screen and the embryo put in, he was actually interested and caring.

I'd suggest leaving IVF literature lying about near him, his natural curiosity may kick in and he may read it then understand.

Actually, something my partner said waaay before I started IVF - he said he was afraid, afraid that I'd get pregnant, have a baby and then I wouldn't need him. Maybe your husband feels the same - resentful and petrified of a little person coming along and taking all your attention from him?

xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Marti 24, thanks so much for sharing your experience too - men just aren't programmed like us are they? How great though that your DH had enough confidence to tell you his fears before all the treatment.  Loved your comment about wanting to punch him! I am SO with you on that one.  My hubby is emotionally closed. His father died of cancer that could have been preventable if he'd saught treatment earlier, but he kept his problems secret until it was too late. Very sad of course but my hubby is the same with anything physical/medical.

How do you stay calm?   I have a very short fuse so when I blow he then turns it all around and accuses me of being psychotic when it's merely a response to his behaviour/words.

My mum is the wisest, most compassionate person I know and she said some things very similar to your point about men being afraid. Am sure there's an element of that with my husband but if I said it out loud it would only be met with pride to disguise any truth behind it. My husband is an only child and can be so insanely selfish he seems to be more concerned with a child not "getting in the way" of his life - it makes me so sad and disappointed in him (when my niece has spent a night or two with us - she's only 6, he was so good with her).  Deep down he is very insecure I'm sure but after this morning there's a really big chunk of any feeling I have for him missing. He can't see.  All I really need him to do is wrap his arms around me and not even talk, but those times when there have been tears he hasn't a clue and acts as though nothing is wrong.

Going to ride out the next few days one moment at a time, but he's really hurt me today, won't apologise for any of it (in the three years we have been married there has probably been one or two apologies - ever!), and im not sure if I can spend my life with someone like this - am almost 40 and beginning to wonder if this really is a loveless marriage given his attitude.

Really good to get all this stuff out and thanks again for sharing.

Best of luck to you Marti. Xoxox


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Florence, 
I just wanted to say that I have been surprised at how much I have totally needed my mum, sister and a few girlfriends. There have been times when DH has been so stubborn and annoying!!   
When I suggest taking a vitamin supplement, he just thinks I am making a fuss and that we should "relax"!! And when our initial appointments came through he was shocked it happened so fast  and we had to have a few conversations about whether we should wait for a bit longer, and it is very easy to be misunderstood on this subject that is emotional and men may already feel that we are more into the process than them. 
It is funny how different this process is to just "seeing what happens" by stopping the birth control!!!
He might just be feeling left out of the process and scared of the reality of a baby. I think it is hard for the man, and they may feel only wanted for the sperm!
I hope you can talk to him and put both your minds at rest.
x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hey yoga bunny   you sound very patient and tolerant, thanks for your reply. Hubby accused me today of wanting him for his money not his sperm   (totally left field, I am very independent!).  IVF puts pressure on you both because it's all consuming once EC and ET are here.  Then there's the decision whether to keep on trying or not, all the emotional, physical and financial investment involved.  I feel cheated by my husband given he's apathetic about having a family since the news of his own sperm problems  - then makes out he's doing me a favour going through this! I've told him countless times how much I love him but he hits me with this humdinger today and I question how strong our relationship really is and feelings for him have died today.

It's at times like his I wonder if all the "coming off" the drugs before ET contributes to all these tears, yet at the same hubby having a massive wobble doesn't help. 

It's been so good to hear from all you lovely ladies. thank you so much and blessings to you all xxxxxx


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi I just wanted to wish you goodluck for sat.

Florence my ex partner has behaved very much like your husband, but I was having DIVF abroad and it was worse as I had to travel to Cyprus and spend a week on my own and had to drive to Nicosia alone for the transfer. He did this also for the previous failed 3 transfers, he refused to come saying he was self employed xnd couldn't get time off work.

Fortunately I am current pregnant and Florence I am so happy I couldn't give a damn if I don't see him again. I think you need to put yourself first one this and having your tx in a stress free way is the most important thing. Take a friend or relative, make your own arrangements for the transport to clinic, if he has doubts don't let him spoil your positivity and hard work. He may see sense but if he doesn't get a back plan in place. If you get your BFP, you will have to think will thus holiday he wants interfere with scans you need etc. However it might be a nice relaxing break for you.

Don't take any cruel comments he has made to heart. My partner has said bad stuff also, he has grown up kids that were not produced in a test tube! You can bet your life he will be interested in the baby when it arrives and it's real.

Fingers crossed all goes well on Saturday, stay focused on your dream and take no notice of him xxx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Florence5
    Sorry you are having such a hard time with your DH.  I don't have any answers but I do remember terrible rows with my DH while doing IVF.  I think that there is an element of fear with men, and I also think that my one doesn't like to see me when I am vulnerable and/or doesn't know how to cope with it.  Like you, all I want at times of stress is to get a cuddle but those seem to be the very times when he shrinks away. And I rarely get an apology from my one either (I think I've had one apology in the 30 years since I met him).  My DH found it very difficult at first to adjust to either of our LOs but he is a very good dad to them now - things improved alot when they started showing their personalities (ie once they have developed from little eating/sleeping/wailing machines  ).  I think that the best thing just now is to focus on getting through the tx and take things from there.        Good luck    


Ellie


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Oh my word Passenger 42 what a tough and strong cookie you must be! Travelling on your own to top it all off! I'm really sorry to hear this but also happy for you that you've found someone since that deserves you! Congratulations on your pregnancy   thrilled for you and your pregnancy. I can only imagine how tough your earlier experience was for you.

Yup, hubby's word for it (first time today), "Pyrex" kid. I've never known him to be this unfeeling or cruel in all the time I've known him. feeling hatred towards your husband isn't healthy and I'm so unhappy  

Am sure the holiday would be lovely but it's a whole day on a plane - if doc says fine then great, but I'm not lying to him just so hubby can get away! Its laughable!

With all this heartache I may not even get pregnant - its his attitude I resent not the result. We haven't had sex for weeks and right now I really don't want to go anywhere near him. What makes this all worse is that when I try to talk to him and communicate his behaviour is hurting me, he looks at me blankly and dismisses my feelings.

Good to hear my hubby isn't the only ¥+%^*# out there!

Night night and wishing you all the happiness in the world with your pregnancy   xxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Aw thanks Ellie (sorry just got this having posted in response to P42) you guys are so kind. We forgive them their weaknesses and they don't even know it! I actually thought when I got married that I'd never want a child on my own but that's been thrown out the window today.  

Love to you all xxxxxxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

and to think i just yelled at mine for playing a computer game and drinking beer instead of watching television with me.

^hugme   hugs all round.


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi ladies
Well, more rows and tears this morning -  24 hrs away from ET he's very keen to tell me he wants nothing to do with the child - I don't thnk ive cried so much in my life as i have done this morning, even in previous relationships I've never been with a man so cruel and unsupportive. It's one thing to have cold feet and another to say its all for me and my benefit.  Not sure how I'm going to get through the next week or so.  

His Mum is coming down on Sunday (we haven't discussed the tx with her), however she was originally planning on coming down on Saturday for a few days(en route to a holiday, coincided with tx), and H told her I had an appointment with "a doctor" to which she guessed it was IVF. He's told me that he's given her instructions not to discuss anything with me.  How he can put me through this hell and then expect me to lie to her with (hopefully) 2 embryos inside me is beyond belief.  Once Saturday is over I'm not doing him any favours, I don't care what happens from then on with him.

This is all just too surreal for me to take in, my H is not the man I married.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

so sorry this is happening this way for you florence
if it was me i'd phone his mother on the quiet, tell her the whole tale including his behaviour, and let her come down and have words with him! i don't think he ought to get away with it and make you sit and pretend. of course that depends how well you know/get on with his mother. 

i hope it all works out x

last night when my DH said goodnight to me he also said 'goodnight Spot' ( i have been calling the embie spot) and i felt very lucky and grateful, i did think about your situation. he was a bit mean this morning saying i looked porky, and saying he wasn't looking forward to the baby stage because all they do is **** and cry. but i think he's just teasing and will be ok once it is here. he got used to the cat, despite saying he would 'try not to hate it'. so i think he will get used to a baby. 

IVF all feels surreal enough even without your troubles so i can only imagine how surreal it feels for you and your DH.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

he didn't use the word 'poop' either but i think the profanity filter has cleaned up my post.


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hey Goldbunny, I wish you every success with your pregnancy, what an insensitive thing to say about "being porky" though, I hope it was in jest. Is your DH sarcastic alot of the time? is he excited about the baby?

Ha ha love the poop comment adjustment!  

Thanks for your advice about calling hs mum, I'm planning on contacting her once the ET has gone ahead so he can't threaten me with cancelling like he did yesterday and this morning - another cruel move. 

Yet another classic example of H (notice the omission of the D   )! This morning he says that if I can't fly in December for the prebooked holiday if preggers he'll go on his own as he's worked so hard this year.  I told him if he chose that I'd be better off without him.  I've withdrawn so much since yesterday, so wishing things were different. Don't expect him to feel the same about babies as us women do, but absolving himself of responsibility is not acceptable. He says he's content to live in a marriage that isn't as loving as it once was as he has his separate life anyway (his cars).  Again, just incredibly mean, nasty and cruel. This has been totally out of the blue as up until this point I thought we were happy.

Once Saturday has been and gone I won't be holding back. Years down the line if we had kids I'd want them to spend Christmas with family, not escaping every single year abroad (don't get me wrong this is nice sometimes) but some years I'd like to stay here and spend it around loving family and friends.  As a testament to his lack of emotional maturity every year since we've been together we've gone away in order to save him the hassle of giving once a year.  Lord knows how we've stayed together this long. 

Must get up and dress and get some fresh air.  All these rows leave me listless, sad, teary and without energy.  Need to be strong over the coming days. 

Ok am rattling on too much,  hope your DH supports you, loves you, and appreciates you at a time when he's most needed.
Xxxxxx


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

Oh Florence    He is really showing his true colours now there is a chance he might have to share you and put himself out occasionally.  I am not in your situation as my DH has always been supportive, so your H's behaviour is not normal, nor is it acceptable.
Very best of luck with the ET    and I hope you have the support you need to move on in whichever way is right for you.
Take care sweetie  

S xx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks Stubborn, pleased to hear your DH is so supportive.   Mine told me today that it's not that he wouldn't get as much attention but that the "Pyrex" kid might disrupt his freedoms and has categorically stated he will continue with his life as normal, (here's the stinger) "protecting all that he has outside of me and him" 

At that point I hated him more than ever. He's so totally wrapped up with himself he had the nerve to then say I was the selfish one - the only reason he's "gone along" wth this is because he never thought we'd get this far -     

Never thought I'd hear myself say this but I want this baby more than him now. Before yesterday morning he was my world. No more. Done crying now. 

Take care and thanks for your mail xxxxx


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Florence5

Really sorry that you are having to go through this at a very stressful time. I have been following this thread since yesterday without comment and did think that perhaps your H is feeling very scared at the now "reality" of you actually becoming pregnant and having a baby so is therefore behaving this way.

However, reading further developments this behaviour is unacceptable really and even though he may be terrified, the way he is behaving is appalling and cruel. I do get where he may be coming from in terms of his background and emotional upbringing but really, it isn't an excuse.

Just a quick question. has he been like this before, or is this the first time ? Has he supported you through your treatment up to now? What will happen tomorrow, does he need to come woth you to sign consent forms for the transfer?

Sending you   . Had an EC today, so sorry if I am rambling on, I blame the meds.

Really hope you can sort this out.


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi Florence

This could be the last chance with your own eggs, make sure you go for it!

Maybe show him up in front of his mother or go spend the weekend with your family and leave him to it! No heavy lifting or running around tomorrow.

He sounds like a controlling bully threatening to pull the plug on your tx, keep out of his way until the transfer is done. His heart is not into having a baby, put yourself first and he will have 18 years of maintenance payments to look forward to, that's rather expensive Pyrex tell him!!!

p xxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hey P, and Barbs  

You are so lovely.    Barbs I hope you're feeling ok after you EC, and the bloating isn't too horrendous?  Wasn't the anaesthetic great?    Us ladies can usually manage most things in life, and even this whole process has remained "manageable" up until H shatters everything in a heartbeat.

P I love your comment about expensive Pyrex - I will store that one and chose the appropriate moment to tell him  thank you.

Up until Thursday morning he was supportive and egg collection day all very chirpy once he'd dropped off my eggs and his sample at another location before picking me up (of course, he tells me the hospital provided some really good p***n to help him out- funny maybe but a little off key). It was once the embryologist delivered the news that we had five top graders and wanted to wait until Saturday that he turned on me - "I wanted to be at the garage" as opposed to a hug and what you'd hope a smile, maybe "great news". Alas not. I do understand about work commitments and such but Saturday of all days and it's inconveniencing him. What he's angry about is that I lost my temper - er, hello?

So today I ask again why he's gone so far along the line and his reply is that he never expected the embryos to do so well.  Yes its serious, this is real.  All the time he was talking I'm dying inside and spent a large part of the morning curled up in a ball crying like a baby (dramatic but I'm so reduced by now).

Thankfully I managed to chat to his mum and told her when he wasn't around - not every horrid detail but she agreed he is cruel and she was so sweet- its hard because he's obviously her son. I'm just relieved that I've been honest as its not fair on her to be here and we lie - I won't do it.

Having delivered his speech on us both understanding this is all for my benefit, id got dressed to get some cat food and he has the cheek to ask me to get some things for him whilst out- can someone please tell me if I'm going completely mad here? So, he doesn't love me "the way he used to", doesn't want anything to do with having babies, expects me to "get skinny" before this holiday in Dec im expected to lie to a midwife/doctor about going on, call myself a cab for tomorrow, and oh by the way can you get me some stuff when you're out.

Would you laugh or cry at this point? He's just walked in and asked if I'd like to go to the cinema tomorrow night? What? Yes let's just squeeze in a couple of embryos and head out shall we? He's behaving like he has split personality disorder (isn't that our job with the hormones?  .

Lost for words. Cried out. Had enough. Focussing on tomorrow now, I'm not sure if he needs to sign anything now, we've got all the paperwork complete to date.

Love to all of you wonderful women out there on your journeys. Big hugs and a really big thank you for listening to me harp on xxxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

florence check out amy cuddy

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

if you're dealing with a control freak you need to fake confidence a bit to stop them demoralising you. xxxx

/links


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Goldbunny so kind of you to share this, I've just watched it and it made me think of the curling into a ball on the bed earlier, makes total sense, and I really enjoyed listening to her, she was very likeable.

My jaw has just hit the floor.  H walks in to the bedroom and leans on me as though he's trying to be tender (the closest physically he's reached out for a while), says "come on, let's be friends, we'll get through this together". - I can see he's "trying" but I'm now even more confused.  He takes me to hell and back in a day and thinks he can make things ok when it suits him (probably worried that I'll cause waves when his mum is here). 

I don't know what he wants any more. He goes on to say "we've got this far so let's keep going" - WTF? I'm glad the cruelty has stopped but I don't trust him now.     I feel manipulated.

Xxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

so outsmart him. x


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Right, I'm going to be frank , why do you want to have children with this man? ?


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks Goldbunny, sounds like something my Mum would say 

Good question Maisy, up until yesterday I'd say because we loved each other and were happy - I haven't spent the last 6 months since our first appointment to have him ruin my chances of having a baby 2 days before transfer. I'm prepared to go through this with or without him now. 

Whereabouts are you in any current treatment? Xxx


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

I agree with Goldbunny - I originally would have said 'play him at his own game' but that could be disastrous!

Next time he starts behaving like a bum hole, let it wash over you - be cool, calm and detached - imagine a glass wall between you and him that his words can't reach or hurt you.

Once he's run out of steam, right when he's expecting you to either shout or cry, calmly ask him if he's finished, say thank you and walk away, get your coat and bag and leave the house for a few hours. When you get back, IF he asks where you were, just say OUT - no other information. Don't tell him anything about your day, oh, and if he calls you on the mobile either don't answer or just as you're out and hang up on him.

I know some may say these are immature games, but he will wonder where you were and he will wonder why you are being strong - he knows the effect his words have on you and will be wondering why they don't do so anymore. He may realise what a fool he is being. We can only hope!

Please don't cry in front of him, if you feel tears coming, look up to the ceiling as it closes the tear ducts. 

Sorry if I repeated myself, typking this on a note pad gadget that seems to be possessed and is preventing scrolling. 

xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Marti thank you so much (can't get off this site now it's addictive   ) should be sleeping  

You're so right - Blimey do you know this man? Ha ha 

Everything you said is true- the times I've managed to maintain control (shamefully less than not), does leave me feeling more dignified for sure. I went out yesterday (he heard me leave but i never said i was leaving the house) and just drove around the block to speak to my mum, gone for about an hour and a half (we are good at talking aren't we? ) and he was a little sheepish on my return but I should have upped the anti - I don't care what people think about playing games and if it's immature, my mum and dad have been together for over forty years and mum to this day will say when she retreats dad comes running. 

Being clever is the wiser approach like you and Goldbunny say.  I'm too heart on sleeve so will pay heed to your note.

Keeping my fingers and toes all crossed for you in your 2ww, are you eating pineapple core? I've read so many stories that it helps with implantation but I'm no expert!  

Bless you Marti, sweet dreams


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi Florence,

No, not eaten pineapple but been drinking it which I've since found not the same but hey ho, can't change what's done!

Keep in mind that whenever you feel a bit feeble, you're not, you're far stronger than your other half - would he be willing or able to sniff drugs to induce menopause, then inject himself with hormones each day - I don't think so! You're a tough cookie and far stronger and capable than you (and probably he) thinks.

Now, off to sleep with you misses!!

xxx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hiya,

I had something similar to you.  My DH didn't react well to our BFP, as in his words ' He only went through with the IVF as he didn't think it would work'.

However as soon as we had the 6 week scan, he was on cloud nine and showing the pea sized blob off to everyone at his work.

Everything has been fine until we have just discovered that we are pregnant with twins after a last attempt for a sibling.  Apparently I told him I would leave him if he didn't go through with treatment!  I have no idea when I supposedly told him this, so presume he had a dream.  He again has said that he didn't think the treatment would work and that he doesn't want another child.  We have been using no contraception for 2 years either and our fertility problems are minor.  So a natural BFP wasn't impossible.

Basically we fell out and I went to my Mums last weekend.  We managed to have a good talk and he is basically scared.  We have a lot of debt and he is the only one that works, he also hates his job.

We have decided that we are selling our house and clearing our debts and moving to be nearer family, so that we can have more support.  DH will look for a new job to.  We see it as a fresh start.

You know your DH better then us, so just go for the ET and then deal with whatever happens afterwards at the time.

Good luck

Stacey
X


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## Caz.s (Jun 27, 2008)

Hi Florence

I have also been following this thread and I just want to wish you all the luck in the world for today. You have been through a horrid and tough few days and I just hope you get your BFP at the end of the 2ww.

Im sorry to say but the things your H has been saying to you are mean and nasty and the comment about the pyrex dish to me is unforgiveably really sorry if that upsets you I dont mean too. Ive not been through the same so clote to IVF but myself and my ex DP had been trying to conceive for quite a few years (before tx started and we had the most awful row and he said some horrid things to me too, I found it very hard to forgive we even split up for a couple of weeks and he moved out. Before trying again. WE tried to 'plod' along for the next few years but something had changed in me towards him and I really think that this was the start of the end for our relationship.

I just want to say that this journey is so hard without going through what you have. Stay strong and I am wishing you all the success in your tx. Take care of yourself and put yourself first as you truely deserve it xxx


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Good luck for today Florence


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Think lots of calm thoughts today, relax on the sofa afterwards, no running around after guests or DH.


Wishing you lots of luck


Passenger xx


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Hello Florence,

I've just come across your thread and just wanted to send you some        

I pray that your ET goes well and that your H is supportive and looks after you when you get home.

Do you think he is the sort of man that wants to hurt you when he is feeling pain, anger, loss of control as it sounds to me that he is scared and doesn't know how to deal with his emotions so he turns it onto you which is not at all fair especially when you are going through one of the most stressful times of your life both physically and emotionally.

He sounds like a typical selfish, control freak who doesn't know how to share and maybe he is terrified and just does not know how to open up and tell you how he is really feeling.  The way you explained his kind of apology makes me think he is this type of man.  Not easy to deal with my friend but as a lot of the ladies have already said you need to find a way to be strong with him and not let him see your weakness as  control freaks like to know they are hurting us.

I really do hope I have not said anything to offend or upset you.

Reading your post I just wanted to give you a big hug as nobody deserves this treatment especially with what you are going through right now.

I HOPE he becomes more supportive and HOPE it is just fear that is making him like this.

 everything works out for you.

Bless you
Clare xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

the best way to deal with control freaks is for them to know you don't take them entirely seriously. it sort of diffuses their 'power'. i don't mean laugh at everything but just find subtle ways to get the message across.


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Good luck for today


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Oh my gosh what a lovely, kind bunch of ladies you all are!

Stacey and Caz I'm really sorry to hear about own relationships, men can be so cruel, consciously and not, Barbs and Yogabunny thank you so much for your well wishes   Goldbunny you are ever the wise one   and Chugabur no offence taken at all - definitely a control freak! It was so lovely to come home to all your lovely posts, thank you so much. The kindness of strangers   

H drove up (no talking), was in waiting room for an hour so bursting bladder (!).  they had to change the catheter on first attempt which initially alarmed me but were told all very normal - we had 2 put back in, one frozen, and six still growing (couldn't believe it), calling me tomorrow to see of any of those would make it for freezing. 

H at one point held my hand whilst legs akimbo - (which i thought was caring, but a little late for this), they didn't get me to lay down for any time once done, we had lunch out (ok but awkward moments), then once he'd pulled up on the drive back home he said "So?" ie, was waiting for a big fat thank you that he'd been so wonderful and driven me up. I told him very calmly he'd put me through hell over the last two days, should be asking for my forgiveness - of course that was met with him stomping about for five mins before telling me he was "going out" (we'd only just got back!), ie, didn't ask how I was feeling, no offer of a cuppa, just sulking that I wasn't feeling eternal gratitude towards him. It sounds awful but right now I just don't care - I'm not stressed, not teary, not angry, bit bloated maybe but so past disappointed that nothing he would do now would surprise me- my expectations have already been lowered.

So here I am writing to you lovely ladies on my bed in dressing gown with the cat looking at me. Feeling positive and grateful for all the goodness and love I have in my life outside of my marriage.

Lots of love to you all


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

Hi Florence
Just came across your thread.  The best of luck on your 2WW.  It's v disappointing to be left down so badly especially at this time, but if possible, try to 'zone' him out for the next 2 weeks and let any more bad behaviour he displays, wash over you - it's not going to be easy   but you've managed this awful situation really well so far.

 
DJ x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks DJ (can't get off this site now   very sweet of you to say such kind things.

And a great big Congratulations to you!! Not long to go you must be thrilled  

Wishing you all the best and every happiness xxx


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Hi Florence,

Congratulations on being PUPO   for you that your little embies bed down nicely.

Good luck with your 2ww....I hope it is not too stressful for you.

Sending you lots      and   

Take care and keep your chin up xx


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## Minidaisy (Oct 23, 2012)

good luck Florence sending lots of   for you in your 2ww  xxxx


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## vid123 (Oct 3, 2012)

Hi florence i was just reading yr threat and wanted to leave you little mesage to wish you lots of luck on yr 2ww, sounds like you have had a bad few weeks with your dh. I do hope all sorts its self out and you are on the road to happy times sending you lots of good luck and positive thoughts     

Take care vid123 xx


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## naddie (May 1, 2012)

Well done on your ET today   

Been reading your story    stay positive, the most important thing is you and your wee embies, take care and looking after yourself. xxxx


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## NatalieP (Mar 5, 2011)

Hey Florance

Just came across this thread after reading everything I am so shocked by your H. All I can assume is that he is scared of how much this could change your lives and is lashing in fear and doesn't know how to contain the emotions this is bringing him. 

I wish you the very best of luck in your 2ww and I hope you get a positive result in the end. Don't let him get to you and try to stay as calm and relaxed as possible. One day he will regret his attitude towards you during this time. 



Nat xxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank you, kind, lovely ladies. Feel much better this morning, apparently I tossed and turned in bed all night (felt like I'd had a fantastic nights sleep!), H turned 180 and is better behaved. Focusing on embies and being positive now. 

I know this sounds really daft, but I keep stroking my lower belly and talking to my embies   

Has anyone tried something totally new in their 2ww ? I'd like to take it easy but also do something different. Any suggestions? (clearing out the cupboards was on the cards but stuff that!).

Love Flo   xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

my first 2ww i bought a craft kit to make a woolly lion. Still haven't finished it though! it was harder than it looked!! 
how about nip down to hobbycraft and get some stuff to make christmas cards with?


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Goldbunny that's brilliant! Love it, really made me laugh too - am picturing your lovely lion now  

Thanks for the tip! How you feeling in your first week? Are you getting any exercise or relaxing much? I teach hot yoga and am really missing the sweat!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i'm going stir crazy!!! argh!!     really i don't know whether to be happy or scared.. seems so long til i can find out if this is actually Real. scan 23/11. *pacing* (wears out carpet).
i've been trying to get preg so long it is very hard to take in. hope youare able to rest for your 2ww.


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Congratulations on being PUPO. Just wanted to send you and yoru wee embies lots and lots of     .  Hope they are growing nice and big and getting ready to snuggle in on a few days.    I didn't actually start anything new during my 2wws but, which is unusual for me, I did pamper myself and took things easy.  I lay on the sofa whenever I got a chance, including snuggling up under a throw to watch some telly in the evening, and also read lots.  Oh, and, like you, I spoke to my embies, imagined what stage they were at each day, and sent them lots of positive vibes! I hope you DH's behaviour has improved, but, if not, just try to zone him out.  You and your embies are the most important ones just now.

Good luck     

Ellie


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Goldbunny am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you, I'm sure it must be quite a scary time for you so lots of relaxation and finding things to do! Maybe finish the lion?

Thanks Ellie, sadly H lost his temper this morning (which is very rare), after I told him I'd shared the news with his mum Thursday night (she guessed on Thursday morning having had a chat with him on the phone about coming down on Sunday not Saturday - he'd said I'd got an "appointment" with a doc on Saturday - having a docs appointment on a Saturday is unusual and I wanted to be honest with her - what's so wrong with that?).  she's due down this wknd and H has wanted to keep things quiet. So, he starts swearing various profanities, calls me a liar and a cheat, says we had only agreed to do the treatment if we didn't tell anyone (both his mum and my mum already knew we were thinking of ivf back in May and he knew this), says unnecessary horrid things about my parents (?) and left in his car about 4hrs ago - have no idea where he is, if his mum is still coming, nothing. 

I've been with H for 3 years.  On Thursday he revealed his true colours.  Today he confirmed all my fears, and right now all I see is divorce either with or without a baby.  He is an only child and is genuinely incapable of having any consideration for anyone's feelings except his own. (I don't believe this goes for all only children so don't want to offend anyone).  But he just doesnt get it. Just when you'd think you needed your husband most is the time he's let me down.  Hes let me down before but never been this nasty. On top of waiting for a pregnancy result, he's putting me through this. 

I'm not going to pack a bag and stay with my folks (lucky to have that option), as why should I? I've text his mum(who's currently driving down) but she hasn't responded. 

This all kicked off at midday so an afternoon of more tears and disbelief at his behaviour. He obviously feels betrayed that I fessed to his mum but I can't lie given I am 1 day post retrieval and she's staying for a few days. If he'd been loving and supportive I'd probably be ok with keeping quiet but it's all too late now anyway.


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

so sorry florence. I think it is good you told his mum, otherwise he can pretend that he is being wonderful dh when he is not. 
he has shown his true colours, and you can make informed decisions based on that, life is full of difficult times and he has shown how he reacts to them  . 
look after yourself, and those embies. be where is best for you.      
x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks Yogabunny and best of luck for your EC tomorrow  

Fingers and toes crossed, hope you're not feeling too bloated / sore, and I hope you get a really good nights' sleep. 

Xxx


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

I second what Yogabunny says - you do need to prioritise yourself here, most especially at the moment.

Take good care of you 
 
DJ x


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Really sorry that H is behaving badly again. The next 2 weeks and beyond should be about you and keeping yourself stress free as possible so concentrate on yourself for now. Him being scared is not the priority now.

Maybe you shouldn't have told his mum, maybe you should but right now you need support around you, support that your H is not really giving you.

The knitting sounds like a good idea for now. I like the sound of hotyoga, is it the same as Bikram?

PS Congrats on being PUPO x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Many thanks DJCJ and Barbs, I feel so pathetic at this point to be endlessly droning on, its a living nightmare being married to someone so selfish and unsupportive at this time.  You guys are fantastic though! Spent far too much time online today 

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday eve


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

Florence
Please do keep online if it's helping to support you and reducing your stress levels.  You couldn't be further from pathetic hun - you are holding it all together in a pretty hideous situation and you're doing fab, so please give yourself the credit you deserve.  

There is no excuse for the kind of behaviour your H is displaying.

Hang in there & just focus on your embies    
 
DJ x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks DJ, funny how this two-dimensional medium online can be such a haven. 

I guess looking to the future, if I do get pregnant, I am concerned that H will not want to join in family occasions (he's said very clearly each year he expects us to go abroad), yet if we become a little family I'd like to spend much more time with them.  It's like he has a problem with people - and yet was never like this when we met. Over the past year or so he's stopped coming with me when I visit my parents, let me down when I needed him to attend a boss's wedding, the list is endless.  It all stacks up and so far I've just put up with it and tried to see all the good that is in him.  But right now, when I need him more than ever he let's me down and becomes consumed with himself - he will never be able to step outside of his own needs and see another's point of view.

Another rant from me!   I tried to get him this morning to see that I just need his support and care, that this week should be an exciting time, there's a sense of coming to a miserable truce, and i feel that horrid nervousness in my tummy that usually means I don't eat as much and just feel miserable.

Barbs if you're reading this, sorry yes the hot yoga I teach is very similar to Bikram with a bit more emphasis on upper body work, and also includes more flowing movement as well as static postures.  

Have a great day ladies and best of luck as ever! Xxx


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

Of course you're looking to the future hun - it's what we all do, it's completely natural.  As tends to happen when we're badly left down by someone, you start thinking back over the other times you were left feeling disappointed, but had decided to ignore/let go and suddenly things start to snowball a bit.  

Although it'll be much easier said than done, I would take a leaf out of H's book right now, and focus inward, prioritise yourself and your embies.  

Do not bother trying to reason with him at the moment as it seems as if he's decided that somehow, he's a victim in all this, to be cosseted, pitied and minded, to the exclusion of all else, so where do you go with that??  There is no need to argue, just withdraw yourself from any stress causing conversation if possible.

Try to keep your chin up hun
 
DJ x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Bless you DJ, it was so good to hear that, thank you   you are of course, right.

Also, you must be almost ready to pop!

Are you at home at relaxing, how are you feeling? excited?!


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

Hi Florence

Getting v nervous now - I'm booked for a section on Thursday.  Hospital rang a while ago to tell me not to come in 'till 10:30 instead of 07:30, so not being done 'till the afternoon   .  Am focusing my thoughts on meeting 'Ali' (we didn't find out what we're having so given nickname of Ali -as in Mohammed, owing to vicious right&left hook   ) and trying to ignore my growing nervousness at the thought of the op. (its elective, so it's not been sprung on me, but still a bit overwhelming  ).

Hope you get some rest today hun and some chill time, more importantly.
Chin up, you're doing great
 
DJ x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Oh DJ am so excited for you! Brilliant calling your little one Ali   that made me laugh out loud.  How also exciting that the sex will be a surprise for you, ah not long to wait now  

To be honest it's really great to hear positive, lovely stories to keep me from focusing on anything negative, whining and moaning away! 

Wishing you every success for baby Ali   being introduced to the world


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi *Florence* - thank you for all your good luck, it must have helped as it went well and we managed to get 17 eggs! how amazing, let's hope some of them are quality and find a nice swimmer! hope things are ok - i was reading yours and *goldbunny*s post about being creative during the 2ww so will be interested to know if you too have made a wooly lion!


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hey Yogabunny brilliant news! Am so happy for you  are you feeling bloated or sore? I blew up like a balloon   the anaesthetic can stay in your system for a while so enjoy while it lasts   How exciting.  So is your embryologist calling tomorrow? Let me know what happens tomorrow, I've got the whole week off and spending a lot of time here   really chuffed for you toots.

Saw hubby's mum this afternoon as she drove down in the end. With all the stress between H And I he booked her in a hotel (didn't know this until she revealed this). I could have killed him today as she said she'd had a chat with him and that we were all going to dinner tonight - called H at work and he had the nerve to say it wasn't his idea, he didn't want me there, and that his mum was more forgiving than me - like she needed to forgive me for something!? The cheek.  (his mum and i have no issues between us). Anyway, she came over for a cuppa this afternoon and said dinner was his idea! I couldn't believe my ears! So, he wanted me to be there, but under the illusion that I was being invited to join him and his mum as what, a guest - that needed to be forgiven for something?!  Told his mum they should have dinner on their own. She was fine with this as its not fair to drag her in the middle and right now we can't seem to be in the same room without tension.

I am so utterly stifled by this man the only thing that would prevent me seeing him as basically evil is the realisation he will forever live in the emotional brain of a five year old, and that makes me pity him. 

What a mess! 

Managed to laugh today at some of this nonsense at least. 

Take it nice and easy tonight - hope your ovaries aren't too angry with you, and let me know how you get on.
  xxxxxxx


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

The mind absolutely boggles Florence - what the heck  

Definitely very wise not going to dinner tonight - the tension would have been huge and you can do without that hun.  Am at a loss as to what else to say - his behaviour seems completely bizarre......can't even begin to imagine what it's like for you, being on the receiving end of it.

Feet up tonight, some no brainer telly or a good book and have a chat to your embies (that'll put a smile on your face at least) and breathe....
      
DJ x


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi Florence


Let him go out for dinner on his own with Mummy.  You need to go out into the freezing cold weather and sit at a dinner table making polite conversation like a hole in the head at the moment, relax with some nice munchies and watch the soaps.


Sounds like his honeymoon period is wearing off and the true colours are starting to show with this man, awful to say but it seems the case from what you describe about his sudden picking fault with your family and shunning of family and friends gatherings.  Be careful he doesn't try to isolate your from your friends and family.


P xx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks DJ and P42, this site feels like a lifeline at the moment. 

Loved your comment P42 about not going out - slippers are best friends a la mo  

What I really struggle to understand is that he obviously wanted me there with his mum as she said it was his suggestion - he'd actually asked her to ask me - yet he has so much pride he'd rather pretend he had nothing to do with it! Pathetic. 

Home with the cat on sofa = more peace. God knows whats going to happen if we get a positive result (OTD Tuesday week). 

Thanks ladies, hope you're all taking it easy and being loved and cherished wherever you are. Xxxxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

he's probably worried that if you are not there she will give him a good talking to. which i hope she does!


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

I imagine he wanted you there to protect you from his mummykins, who I doubt is best pleased by his behaviour under the circs. Hopefully she will give him a good slap round the head, or belt him on the botty, whatever she did when he was 4 to sort out his silly little behaviour. Watch some rubbish telly and chill.


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## Ticky (Feb 21, 2012)

Hiya Florence

Been reading from the start and i just want to give you a massive   

Your H sounds like a right tosspot to be frank. I was telling my DH about your situation and his responce was that your H "Needs a slap into reality and needs to start acting like a proper bloke". I feel awful for you and your situation, to be honest i hope you get away from such a mean, evil, selfish man   

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

I would have gone to dinner with them, then pushed him face down into a bowl of soup.

Childish - yes.
Satisfying - very!!

xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Ha ha!! The visual of that made my day   

Marti am sorry to see you had a negative - but good to see you're getting back in the saddle for your next try, hope you're being kind to yourself honey, and that you've got lots of treats to indulge yourself with.  Please don't punish yourself on a treadmill or whatever - I know what you mean about feeling a bit lardy over the last six weeks or so, and getting back in shape, but be kind and compassionate with your body. Sorry I hope that's come out the right way  . I hope you are surrounded by lots of love.


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## Ticky (Feb 21, 2012)

Yes Marti yes!!!!


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi Florence,

Today was a day of relaxation and retail therapy, followed by cat hugs.

Will slowly be getting back to the gym, prob later this week. I only gained 3lbs which isn't bad considering I didn't gym for the whole of the IVF, but the waist is thicker and the bottom bigger ( I keep picturing that clip of Kenny Everett dressed as Rod Stewart, when his bottom gets bigger and bigger....).

plogies for any typos, I now have  a cat laying across both m arms. At least she's cmfy!

xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Marti , brilliant, Blimey, remember Kenny Everett and those Rod Stewart pants   

Ah, another cat lover - they do make you earn affection but are adorable   my little madam is not a lap cat, she's a "naughty torty" was only informed a year into having her that tortoise shells were temperamental little divas   (nothing like mum then).

3lbs is nothing! I can gain that from eating a curry   

  xxxxx


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Oh yes - I have 2, one is quite an aloof tabby and her ultra affectionate sister (well, they are half sisters) is white/tabby. She's finding fireworks night quite stressful this year, bless her,  so her demands for Mum Hugs has gone through the roof. Which is what I nearly did when a particularly loud banger went off a short while ago and all ten claws went into my inner thighs. I think for a moment I spoke a new language. 

xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

yeah i only heard the phrase 'naughty tortie' after i got mine home. you'd think SOMEONE would have warned me! she's the ruler of the house! 
but at least it's been company through all my tx. LOL  she must have heard me typing she just jumped up on the desk and is now walking between me and the oh god she SMELLS! *coughs* keyboard. Thanks, cat.


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

They are the best, aren't they? Do you get left any strategic furballs around the house?

Well, a new low last night once H returned from dinner.  He no longer even cares about me, let alone loves me, asked if I'd have an abortion if I got pregnant, and then asked how much money I'd accept to "get rid" of me? All very calmly done.  Said we were no longer compatible and he doesn't want to pay for a kid.

My heart has been ripped to pieces. I went into the bedroom and had the most profound wail from deep in my belly.

I'm pretending this morning that I'm strong, and ok, and that all of his comments haven't touched me. I've even struck up small talk about having had funny dreams and the holiday over Christmas.  Anything to prevent me turning psychotic and losing my mind.  I want to burn his passport .

Please someone tell me why? This man reached for my hand on Saturday whilst lying on a bed having our embryos put into my womb. I don't get the cruelty and feel as though I'm going insane.  Acting "normal" with him gets him talking as though nothing has happened but this just isn't right.

I'm dying inside yet trying to show him I'm not bothered, which is so hard.


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## Caz.s (Jun 27, 2008)

Oh florence I am so sorry to read what I just have. As much as you probably hate to admit it you were probably holding out a small hope that your old H would return and you would get back to normal.

Sorry to say but what he just said to you is unforgiveable and I might sound a little harsh but you need to get out of your home at least for a few days and get away from him so you can get yourself back together and look after yourself and your precious embies inside of you as the enviroment you are in is not healthy.

I wish I could tell you why your once DH has turned into a complete and utter @rse. I want to say a lot worse but I think that I would get kicked off here. What he is doing to you at this moment is complete and utterly horrid and you need to get out of that enviroment for your own sanity.

Please please please tyr and look after yourself I am so sorry If I am waffling but I am so angry at your H and what he is putting you through. I am sorry if I have said anything to upset you. Sending your big hugs take care Caz xxxxx


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## Lucina (Sep 9, 2012)

Hi Florence

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I have no experience to comment in the context of IVF, but I did live through 13 years of physical and psychological abuse with my husband. 

He is very clearly abusing you both psychologically and emotionally, which can be hugely destructive. This is down to his own insecurities. You have a right to be loved and supported and to not put up with this kind of behaviour, which might worsen after the child is born.

I loved my husband, despite everything, and know how difficult and lonely it can be to walk away, but for your own mental health and that of your children, you need to remove yourself from a destructive situation. 

I'll keep you in my prayers xx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh Florence, so sorry that he is being like this
.....let's not try to rationalise his behaviour anymore, he is a @@@bleep!! And what is all this fixation with money anyway? he must have massive underlying ISSUES.
hun, do what you need to, i don't know your full situation, but if it was me, i would go and be around people who love you. you don't need to play games at this time.  life is too short, and this has become a damaging relationship.......please take care of yourself first.   xx


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Florence

Please open your eyes as to what this man is doing to you.  This is not a case of cold feet, he has gone off the idea of having a family for some time and is too coward to tell you and therefore is behaving like a horror so that you will leave him.  Please summon up all your courage to tell him straight that if your marriage is over, he will have to take responsibility for any child as a result of the transfer and you will be contacting a solicitor to seek legal advice and will not be "going" anywhere until it suits you.

He really is a complete coward to be telling you all this at such a stressful time, I few days with some relatives might help you lift your spirits and you can avoid having small talk with him.  I could think of  a lot worse things to do to him than throw away his passport at this time.

Big hugs, Passenger x


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

God Florence - how absolutely horrendous - I can't even being to imagine how you would begin to work out what the heck is going on in his head, but based on what he has said, I don't think he deserves any more slack.  

There is no excuse for speaking to anyone like that, let alone someone you're meant to love - it's despicable and beneath contempt.  I'd agree with the suggestion to take yourself out of the immediate environment, and surround yourself with people who do love and support you.

You are the one who needs to be shown some respect, so difficult though it may be, I wouldn't bother making small talk; it trivialises what he has said, and he really does need to take responsibility for his absolutely disgusting cruelty.

I am so very sorry you're going through this.
    
DJ x


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## flygirl001 (Mar 26, 2011)

Oh my goodness, Florence, I'm so so sorry to read what you're being put through. I had hoped to read that he admitted it was nerves etc etc. He really has no shame  
I agree with previous comments. Spend time somewhere else. It's all about you and your beanies now. There's no point playing happy families. 

Sending you love hope and hugs. I really hope time apart gives him the chance to evaluate his behaviour and you can come through this (together if that's what you want).

Stay strong x x


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## vid123 (Oct 3, 2012)

Oh florence yr H sounds like a complete A.hole!!! I agree with all the ladies on this topic, you really need to remove yrself from this situation even if its just for a short time so u can relax and be around people who love you and want the best for you. This man really needs to pull his head from up his backside and realise what he could be losing and he may realise this while you are away from him and if he doesnt then he really is not worth having in yr life. You need to ask yrself are you willing to settle for someone who does not love and respect you enough to stand by yr side through all the good and bad times... You deserve so much more!!!! 
Im sure all the women on here would quite gladly stand in a line and give yr H a good old slap 
Remember you are worth so much more as a person so please stay strong and think of yrself and yr little beanies 
Wishing you lots of luck and hoping all goes well for you  
Vid xxx


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Oh Florence. Could you go stay with your mum for a bit maybe? All this stress isn't good for you and you deserve better.


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks guys, 

Lucina im so sorry to read your story, and hope you're with someone loving and supportive.

I hear all you're saying about going away for a few days but I won't be pushed out of home to make his life easy. Although we are married, it's his house (I rent out my flat) and as much as this has never been about money for me, at ths moment in time I'd want to take him to the cleaners just to see him feel the pain he's put me through. Sounds awful, I don't want to be bitter!

Having pitifully spent the morning crying a river, for the first time in four days he's just approached me and said we should try to spend the next few days being calm and civil towards each other, and "see what happens" ie he's made no plans for divorce.  He's lost his trust in me since I called his mum on Thursday - if he'd been loving and supportive I wouldn't have felt any need to talk to her.  But he refuses to understand that. No, it's him the victim, I've broken his trust - he's said all the nasty things he has said were simply in retaliation to breaking that trust.

Hitting my head at a brick wall but I am not budging from this house - love mum and dad dearly but they both smoke so would rather not be around that at the mo, and it's their house.  I'm tempted to ride out this week and let hm wonder if I've got pregnant - at this point I really don't want his child as much as I'd love a baby. 

Just wish I'd seen this coming before the tx. Not the father I'd like for my child. 

Thanks for all your support, been so consumed with my own woes I hope you ladies are doing ok. Xxxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

florence i am impressed by your strength and courage in this difficult situation. there is some good advice in this thread but play the long game, tread carefully pick your battles wisely and keep your head about you. how long a lease have your flat tenants got? make an exit plan even if you never use it, it will help you to know it is planned. go through documents or whatever you need and either put them somewhere safe or make copies, so if you did need to leave in a hurry you could. if you can't hide his passport at least make a note of it's details. 
men can be very manipulative but they're usually not that smart with it, if you give him enough rope he"ll trip himself up...
the fact that he feels the need to behave this way shows his weaknesses, you can exploit that. you might have to play dirty, expect the worst and/or stop at nothing to get what you want. he won't apologise or feel guilty for his behaviour so don't wait on that happening. were all here right behind you wishing you a good outcome from this. i hope you get what you want and need. xxxxxx strength and savvy will get you through xxxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Cheers GB, hope you're ok and not wearing out the carpet still  

He's very cavalierly walked in and suggested I "go to the cinema" on my own to stop festering. Eh?

He is insane. I asked him this morning if he meant what he said about aborting a baby, and he replies "well, let's just see shall we". 

He's never trusted me and thinks I'm after his money (have my own), I've suggested he talks to someone about his trust issues which of course is met with pride and aversion.

You guys have been my rocks! Love you! 
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

Good god - it makes painful reading hun, so I can't even imagine the hurt you're feeling.  As much as it must feel like you're trapped inside a nightmare, you do sound as if you're not completely side swiped by this, and have quickly stuck on your practical head, so well done for that. 

If you feel as if you can remain under the same roof as him - do - basically do whatever will reduce your stress level.  I wouldn't show my hand at all right now - be non committal, and remain neutral.  Zone him out completely, coz listening to his twaddle about how you have lost his trust must be nauseating and make it v. difficult not to throw something hard at him.

   
DJ x


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## DaisyBunny (May 5, 2012)

Florence,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this    I agree, but in no way excuse, that his behaviour is all about maintaining control even if he has to thoroughly hurt you because he's scared, lost control and generally lost the plot! You're dealing with the emotional intelligence of a little child here who unfortunately, if he doesn't get serious help for his trust and control issues will more and more become the bullying monster he's proven he can be. I would also agree that a lot of what he has said to you is plain and clear psychological and emotional abuse....it hasn't all been reactionary, he has truly thought about what would be most hurtful to you in order to reassert himself.

I think you're right to seriously consider how you could spend your future with such a person and I agree with Goldbunny that you need to start thinking of possible plans   Like you said, there have been little signs of these tendencies growing but as he's started this truely awful behaviour, which for most would be unforgivable, it will only get worse as he's getting away with it with you still being with him  

  massive hugs to you lovely  for being so strong


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Hi Florence,

I'm so so sorry to hear that he his treating you this way.  He is an emotional bully and you seriously need to decide if this is the man you want to raise a family with.  I agree with goldbunny that you need to play the long game.....if you can.  Right now you have to be at your most calm and positive (not easy to say with the environment you live in) but your embies need your strength.  
Come onto the forum to rant and to him remain calm and pleasant with him until you decide what your next move is.
Take care and do what ever you feel is right.  Be true to yourself.  It's not easy but in time you will be strong and happy again xx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank you ladies     xxxxxxxxxx

Chugabur how did your EC go? And how are you feeling? Waiting for the embryologist's call now for transfer  

I hope it all goes well for you, let me know what happens....

Not usually my style, but all the advice here has proved invaluable - I will do my hardest to play it cool and hold it in,   you poor lot hearing me harp away! Still have a week before OTD.

Cue tearing hair out, biting nails   (these little guys make me laugh)

Xxxxxxx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Florence

I am so, so sorry that your DH is behaving so badly.      Try to zone him out just now (easier said than done, I know) - and try to concentrate on yourself and your embies.  I would just try to focus on getting to OTD just now, and not worry to about anything after that for the meantime.  Try to take things easy, keep warm and get as much rest as you can.  Maybe even a bit of pampering/relaxation - you have my permission to spoil yourself!  (You definitely deserve it.) Sending you and your beanies lots and lots of     . 

    

Ellie


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## Ticky (Feb 21, 2012)

I cant believe what ive just read   this might be way off as i dont know your H but do you think he could have said thos things to deeply upset you so the embies dont stick?? Im sure they will like but its just a thought?xx


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Florence5 said:


> Thank you ladies    xxxxxxxxxx
> 
> Chugabur how did your EC go? And how are you feeling? Waiting for the embryologist's call now for transfer
> 
> ...


Florence, EC was good thank you. They got 6 eggs which they were happy with for my age. Out of the 4 they could use 3 have fertilised overnight so they are going to call us again on Thurs to let us know how they are doing and if we are on for a 3 or 5 day transfer. Thank you ever so much for asking. Take care of yourself and your little embies xx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

A little more peace has descended at last. Not sure if H's mum said anything to him as he drove her down to her cruise this morning, but enroute back home he called and said there was a problem with the brakes on his car, but that he'd stop and get me some herbal tea for me on his way home.  I'm cool as a cucumber if a bit baffled.  He calls me twice more, once finally at his garage to say he'd need to borrow a car to get home (sure as hell I wasnt about to offer a lift!) but made the effort to get the tea at least.  I haven't forgiven his behaviour or the atrocious things he's said but if he can at least be polite and making just small efforts to be moderately thoughtful I can survive the next few days calmly without any more tears.

I really hope this isn't too late for my embies.   Feeling a constant dull ache in my lower abdomen as though AF is on her miserable way - all I know right now is that it feels good to have a few hours go by without balling my eyes out due to something horrible H has said.

Have a lovely evening ladies


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

florence i have been cramping daily thinking AF coming but i got BFP so hang in there x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks GB, Like a bufoon I stupidly tested but more to see if trigger had gone - then knowing the absurdity of what I was doing, actually checked the test an hour later, holding up the hopeful white plastic pee stick to the light for a flicker of that second line (knowing it wouldn't be there!).   !!! Should know better


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## helenff (Nov 16, 2008)

It's probably already been mentioned on this thread, but is there any chance he's become close to someone outside the marriage. This horrible behaviour is classic from someone trying to distance themselves from their marriage. What other reason would he have for being so so awful? I can't believe it is just fear or anything like that.

This is incredibly cruel behaviour and I'm so sorry that you have to go through it Florence. No man who loves his wife should treat her like this. 

Take care of those embies x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Oh my..... 

Florence, I have just spent the last couple of hours reading though this entire thread and I am utterly _utterly_ gob-smacked, appalled and disgusted with how you are being treated and by the things that have been said to you!! He's lost his trust in you?! Erm hello!! What planet is he on?! The irony of that comment from him to you is beyond belief!! You are the most amazingly strong woman to be dealing with all of this so well, at a time when tx is at it's most stressful. I truly admire you for holding it together  oh gosh, I just don't know what else to say to you, I just want to send you all the love, luck and happiness in the world. Stay strong and don't let him grind you down any more than he already has, it sounds like he has well and truly lost the plot! There is some really great support and advice given to you on this thread, everyone is looking out for you 

You take heaps of care and concentrate on growing those little embies    xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks Helen, Nosilaab

My H is very good at hurting me, but I've come to realise he lives in the emotional brain of a child, being an only child who has never had to share. He's often said in the past he's No 1 (usually in a jokey way) but he really means it! When we met he was so lovely and giving, I'd only known him a few weeks and he'd already contacted my family (via FBook) and arranged a surprise birthday dinner, whisked me off to Paris, chased me no end. He is capable of giving love and kindness.

Most of the horror really started last Thursday, when the reality that IVf's aim to bring another human being into the world hit him- at one point he just said he thought it would never get this far, that we'd probably have two attempts, fail, then "job done" - so the news that our embies were good he wasn't prepared for - I mean, wake up!! 

I really don't know what I want long term, but for now, he's being civil, said good morning and wished me a good day when he left for work.  Last night I had 2 cups of tea from him (which came as a surprise). I know this barely scratches the surface of undoing the horrendous things he's said but like Goldbunny said to me, I'm going to play the long game, I even said to him yesterday that if he treats me like dirt when it came to divorce I'd get whatever I could from him (not because I care about his money) but to see him suffer. It sounds bitter, but he's not getting away with behaviour like this.  

I'm now 4dp5dt so until the result, I'll bite my tongue, be cool, not give anything away or do anything for him.  Make him wonder what I'm thinking. I think as women sometimes we just give away too much - although we want to communicate our feelings because we think it helps, men don't always deserve to know what we're thinking - they can work for that - and if they care, they will. If I'm too available for him (emotionally and physically/literally) he takes everything i do for him for granted. No more. I need to be clever. I don't want to live in a miserable marriage but I am not budging from my home. 

Yes it's mind boggling that he thinks he can be the victim! This drives me nuts but again, he's a child.  My expectations are lowered and I'm far more realistic now.  

Helen he is not with anyone else (who'd have him?!) I know this for sure. He's either at work or working on his car, that's all he cares about.  Although our physical relationship has been non existent for over a month now, I do not believe he's with anyone else. Made a real point of telling me how great the porn is at the fertility clinic (that's his new rediscovery).

There is no plan right now. I have money if I need to get away. Cunning and calm is how I'm playing it now.

We'll see.

Love you ladies, all your advice and reassurance has been invaluable.


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## pinkbt (Dec 1, 2007)

Hi Florence,
I'm 1 day behind you on 2ww.
I,ve been reading your story and just wanted to offer a different view - please feel free to ignore!! 
I have a totally wonderful dh, but I think he has struggled at times with the attention all being on me  in the last couple of weeks and the fact he can't easily fix this problem and stop me being upset.  he has been super supportive but also a little dramatic about mixing the injections and having to do his bit without porn (illegal here!) .... When I'm the one having all the pain!!!  I found this v annoying and also a bit funny.

It is such a stressful time - it's helped us to be forgiving of each other.  Even tho' I think I've coped really well, I know at times over the past weeks I've been super hormonal and a nightmare.

This not to say I don't think your h has behaved terribly..... Just this might be only way he can express how he's feeling at the moment.....  They do go through it all too ...

Anyway... Just wanted to say don!t write him or your marriage off yet....
Lots of luck for your BFP.
Pink xxxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi Pink

So happy for you Hun to have a super supportive hubby, and I totally hear you about their own stress and us gals being hormonal   nightmares.  I am certainly no angel, and lose my temper far quicker.  I totally get it that H never wanted us to discuss tx with anyone - as much as people are kind, often well meaning advice from friends and family can grate, so we have kept it to ourselves.  Being his fertility problems was our primary reason to go through ivf I also understand as a man he has much pride and has found that difficult to accept (would never admit it but that's ok). I would never rub that in his face. But is it then fair he gets to say "this is all for you as I don't care anymore" 2 days before transfer? That is not reasonable or acceptable.

The irony in our case though is that it's been a very manageable process (ie no tantrums or big fits from me - honest guv!) up until the horrendous day last week when H told me he doesnt want a kid affecting his life as the embryo transfer date wasnt convenient (it was a Saturday!). So i lost my temper and became very emotional. I will NOT trade any emotional nightmares from me as being half way near your H asking you to abort if pregnant, telling you he doesn't love you like he used to, it's a "Pyrex" kid, wants nothing to do with it.  If you read each post I've written Pink I'd hope you understand this. I mean that kindly. 

My H will never admit he's scared.  I won't wrap him in cotton wool for the sake of his ego if he thinks it's appropriate to be so cruel with his comments and then play the victim - what? He said the other night he didnt want to "pay for it".  Am I supposed to think "aw poor man must be terrified?" no, I wanted to smash his face in.  Bit late to tell me this with 2 2 day old embryos inside! Hardly equal in terms of hurt being dished out here. I know in my gut and heart those moments H steps over a line - you feel it don't you? You're Walked on.  There are also undermining, sarcastic comments (even in front of friends) that add to the mix.  He's been plain and simply horrible and unsupportive.

I am always willing to apologise if I've said hurtful things or not been as kind as I know I should.  I expect the same from a life partner.  Boys should not be allowed to feel its ok to be selfish - if I ever have a boy baby he will learn to share. That includes respecting everyone's feelings.  My husband expects it all on his terms, that's not a marriage with compromise.

Haven't totally written him off but super weary now. I am unhappy and uncertain at a time we should be loving each other.  

I really appreciate your post Pink and thank you for your perspective xxxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Ps how are you filling your time? Apart from being on here? ! 
Fingers and toes crossed for you


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## DaisyBunny (May 5, 2012)

Massive hugs Florence   and you are showing enormous strength when you have been treated so cruelly by someone who is meant to support you at this time.


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## pinkbt (Dec 1, 2007)

I have been  at work but at home today as have uti and sorting out our photos!!!


I didn't mean to underestimate how terrible he's been        And different if there is a pattern of bad behavior.  Just such a bizarre and stressful time for couples


Xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Good for you for having a day off Pink. Hope you are making the most of it    been so lazy this morning but managed to clean out some kitchen cupboards yesterday which was a little rewarding (one of those things I've been meaning to do for a long time), got dressed very late this morning and now cosied up with cat still online! am a little (as in very, very slightly) out of breath and wondering if it's lack of exercise that's causing it (lardy ass at the mo) xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Love your quote Daisy, thanks for your super kind words   xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Florence 

I think you are absolutely right to play the long game, and good on you for playing your cards close to your chest - keep him wondering and make him realise (or believe!) that he isn't getting one over on you - you can give as good as you get 

I don't want to go on about my DH at the mo as I don't think it's fair on you to necessarily hear comparrisons, but just wanted to say that my DH is also an only child, and we have also had semi-funny/semi-serious conversations about how selfish he can be with his time etc. My DH has never wanted children so embarking on (and staying on!) the IF journey has been a real struggle for us - for me because I'd like him to show more support, understanding and willingness, and for him because the bottom line is that he has no real desire to become a father, he worries about money and how we'll afford it, and he doesn't want anything to change the nice comfortable life we have together. But he agrees to go along with all of this because he loves me dearly and knows how important this is to me - but at the same time that _really _ puts the pressure on me, and puts a huge weight on my shoulders! The 2 times we've had IVF my DH has had a 'mini-meltdown' a few days before ET - usually ending up with me in tears, and him frantically apologising but also extremely stressed and panicked by the reality of it all.

I think you're right that being an only child does have an impact (obviously) on personality and how you view things in life (i.e. selfishly), and as I say, to a certain extent my DH can be a bit like your H, in that he loves having time to do the hobbies he enjoys as and when he wants to and apart from me (and work) he's not accountable to anyone else and that's just the way he likes it - so it does bother me a tad about bringing a baby into our relationship and what impact it will have 

Anyway, just wanted to share that with you, I know it's not as extreme as your situation but I do know what it feels like have a DH who's an only child and not keen (understatment?!) to start a family.

 xxx


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## flowerfaery (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't want to be alarmist but for around a third of women who experience domestic violence the abuse started when they became pregnant, I don't know why it's a common trigger but it is.  Physical abuse is also generally preceeded by verbal and emotional abuse.  Do not let him isolate you from your friends and family and make sure that you have a safe place you can go to in an emergency.  I understand that you don't want to leave your home but the house will be treated as an asset of the marriage no matter who is living there and your safety has to take priority.
If you do find out you are pregnant I would advise only telling him with a third party present in the house, could your mum or another relative stay for a while?  I'd also recommend finding a good family solicitor and discussing your situation with them, it doesn't mean you have to get a divorce but they will have seen it all before and can give you accurate information about your choices and practical advice.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this and hopefully he is just being an **** but the advice above applies to anyone in a vulnerable situation.  Domestic violence is all too common and people often don't talk about the issue because of the stigma.
I hope that you and your embies are safe and that happier times are waiting just around the corner for you.
Flower


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## Babyjellybaby (May 11, 2012)

Florence I have been reading for a few days now and really feel for u hon xxxx

Yes ff is a brilliant place to vent

Nosilab am in a similar situation but he is not only child. He has no wish to be a father but is doing it for me. Understand ur pressures as feel similar. Know he will be excellent when baby hopefully does come but still feel uncertain. 

Xx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thank you Flower and Nosilab (loving these names and smiley faces    

I don't think I need to be worried about H being violent, I have the shorter fuse by far and I'm not scared of him at all. I really appreciate your concern however Flower, thank you  

Nosilab it's soooo refreshing to hear someone on here who gets that about only child husbands (again I'd like to iterate I'm sure this isn't always the case), and I'm so sorry to hear about your own struggles, feel free to share as much or as little as you are comfortable with.  Why can't they just be positive? I tried to remind H that all the things he enjoys might be something he can teach a child, rather than jump to a negative of "having his life taken away" I mean, grow up! Like a moody teenager his response is "would have to wait until he/she is 12" For heavens sake 

I don't know about how you handle things Nosilab but I do normally find it extremely difficult to be cool and aloof - am usually out or in, what you see is what you get - but am realising more and more that by retreating emotionally gets H coming forward, even if they are tiny steps.  He reminds me of watching Caesar Milan - you know, the dog whisperer, where he's trying to change the behaviour/response of a dog - they often go through confusion before they "get it". That wont make any sense if you haven't seen the show(!) but when my H is genuinely foxed by what I'm thinking, or what id like, he starts to behave in a more thoughtful way - rather than just come out and be direct.

A perfect world where no one plays games I'd love to live in, and there are women here who have lovely, supportive, emotionally mature hubbies. I'm just learning  to become a bit smarter with my moves.

Never for one moment thought I'd join a site and read some really positive stories but some really heartbreaking ones too.

I think it's so wonderful that us girls can be there for each other, I've appreciated every single post/reply, you guys are the best!   xxxxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Belly jelly thanks for your post and I'm sorry to hear H is saying its all for you too - lots of people on and off this site have said how differently their Hs behave once the LOs come along, so I hope that's the same for you honey. Again it's just that childish attitude of absolving responsibility, when in reality you'd like a fathers love to be what becomes important, not whether or not they can do what they want anymore.
Lots of luck to you sweetie   xxxx


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## helenff (Nov 16, 2008)

Must say Florence you do sound super strong and I love that. Must be those embies snuggling in, giving you extra power


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## Babyjellybaby (May 11, 2012)

Thanx f xx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Aw, thanks Helen, and BJB, you are so sweet, who's to say it won't be all tears tomorrow though? (who am I fooling here with the brave front?!).

Yes I've become a Jedi warrior now   and will not be out-witted by a man! 

At 4dp5dt I felt my libido shoot through the roof today - a result of progesterone? H will not be reaping the benefits   just so bizarre though given have been more than off that side of things for a while,,,,more hungry too. Trying not to analyse too much but it's hard. 

Off to see my sister who has a five week old gorgeous little boy tomorrow - am sure the water works will make an appearance just holding him but will be good to get out of the house and this cocoon   of tension and surreal 2ww

Lots of love to you fabulous ladies for whatever you are engaged in this eve


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Ok, so super hungry yesterday, high libido, now feel a bit nauseous. Good morning 5dp5dt! Don't want to get too excited about this as they are also usual sensations for me when AF is on her merry way 

The ceasefire has remained in the house (his mum kept telling me he doesn't mean what he's saying-humm) - he was polite last night when he came back from work, polite this morning, then before he left for work he shook my hand and said "little steps" - which I found a bit funny tbh, but at least he's not being nasty, nor am I being reactive. He also said he'd take me to see the James Bond film on Sat (which is where he went/stormed off to on Sunday, so he has already seen it).

Off to see my five week old nephew this morning,  really can't wait! He is so beautiful. Don't know about you ladies but I love them at this stage, all tiny with little baby gurgles and smells (you know what I mean!), seeing their foreheads wrinkle in recognition you're not their mum when handed over, the little mouth eager to seek out the boob when hungry and on your chest, I get quite emotional with little ones. 

Have a lovely day ladies, for the first time in a week I've a little hope in my heart.


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

glad today is sounding like a good one, enjoy it.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Florence

Yes I also remind my DH that all the things he/we enjoy don't have to come to an end, yes they would change, but we would just incorporate a little person in to those activities    Like going for walks in the countryside, little holidays etc etc.  Sometimes he says he can pictures it and that he quite likes the idea, but the majority of the time he just can't see the positives.  Well, re coping, I've kinda learnt over the years to tread softly softly with DH, he's usually resistant to change full stop, whatever form that takes, but usually with a little bit of gentle persuasion we get there eventually, so that's the hope I've been clinging on to with babies.  I know sometimes I can be too patient and I know it drives my family and friends a bit bonkers sometimes, think they'd just like to shake my DH and tell him to get a grip!  But I know that's not how he works and wouldn't get the right results    It is most definitely a case of the dog whisperer    Of course, I don't always keep my cool....sometimes I lose it....

Glad things are a little better today (if not a tad strange re the handshake!!    )

You're braver than me going off to be around a 5 week old baby!  I'd be in floods of tears I think, I wouldn't be able to cope at all.  You're a very string lady, in so many ways - I admire you  

Hope you've had a good day x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks Yogabunny, not long for you know - wishing you all the luck in the world for transfer 

Nosilab, sounds to me like you are super savvy with your DH, and also that you have the patience of a saint! I'm really sorry to see you had a negative not long ago at all, so no surprise you'd be in bits with a baby - how are you feeling now? 

Thing is, I'm so happy for my sister and wouldn't allow myself to feel anything other than good things for her and her little family (second baby). Yes absolutely I felt that undeniable "ache" seeing him for sure (and cried), but I also felt so happy to have had a few hours holding and bathing him - sister is a very relaxed mum and just let me "be" with him, if that makes sense - which was wonderful.

If our future means no kids or the ivf doesn't work, I've already decided that I want to be the kind of person who CHOOSES to be happy with life (easier said than done of course), and will just have to be the auntie that spends more time with her niece and nephew. Rather than avoid kids and babies, make use of the opportunities with friends or families so I still get to experience the love and nurturing you would provide for your own babies.  However brief.  It actually felt oddly cathartic today.

I really worried about coming home a little down today having seen him again, but instead I appreciated every moment with him.

I really hope you are ok - have you discussed giving it another go with your DH or are you a afraid to broach the subject? I don't mean to pry and of course we choose to reveal as much or as little on this site but I do wish you all the best, however it turns out for you, and whatever you decide.

Have a smashing evening, as ever thank you ladies xxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi 

Well, I _try _ to be super savvy  Aw thanks for asking, I'm not bad thank you. Have my ups and downs...y'know how it is. Generally ok though thank you.

Sounds to me like you have a good balance going on there, in that you're still able to be around your nephew. Generally I'm ok with my nieces and nephews too, but it's the really little ones I seem to struggle with a bit, I'm not too bad though considering. Most of them live a fair distance from us though, so we don't see each other very often - everyone is at least a 2 hour drive away (in all directions!), so we usually only all see each other on big family gatherings.

Yes, it's funny because for the first time in years I'm starting to see my life beyond having children - not that that makes me feel happy, far from it, I still feel incredibly sad at that thought, but I guess I'm starting to see that not being able to have children might be reality now. I wouldn't have thought that a year ago! Or maybe even a few months ago! But like you I'm trying to tell myself that I can *choose * to be happy, I've just got to make it happen. Not 100% sure how yet, but I know it can be done as I was happy before the baby thoughts/IF invaded my life so I know there must be a way back to that happiness. As you say though, easier said than done, these things take effort and persistence  But anyway, for the time being I'm still persuing the baby route!  I'm glad you found your visit yesterday cathartic, that's a really great 

I don't mind you asking at all, I don't think you're prying  No, haven't discussed with DH yet about giving it another go as I'm kinda dreading that conversation! Especially after the 'mini meltdown' last time. Don't think I want to open that hornets nest again just yet  I saw my counsellor on Wednesday and I told her that I was dreading raising the subject with him about "what's next and when" and she suggested that I leave it until after we've got the stresses of Christmas out of the way first. Those stresses mainly being that my best friend is pregnant and her due date is the 24th Dec - to say I'm anxious/sad/not coping with that is an understatement 

Anyway!! More to the point how are you feeling?! Remind me when you OTD is? Are you looking forward to the Bond film tomorrow and are you a Daniel Craig fan?? Loads of people on here have said how good the film is. Hope you enjoy a nice relaxing, stress-free (non-eventful!) time with H this weekend 

xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hey Nosilab

I'm really sorry to hear what you're saying about not talking to hubby so soon after your bfn,  I'm sure it must be gnawing away inside and I totally understand that - you don't want to rock the boat, but meanwhile you still have this strong desire to have a baby, I really feel for you on this point - other than your counsellor can you talk to anyone else about this? It's ironic isn't it? The person we should be able to talk to should be our hubbies, and when there is resistance, broaching something more important to you than them is anticipating a whole can of worms opening up... 

In all my naivity, I always assumed in my twenties one day I'd have a baby by choice, various failed relationships later having met hubby at 36 we got married within the year as we both wanted kids so trying since really (until he gets this wobble 2 days before transfer, hence my reason for ranting on here in the first place!).  

It's a scary thought I had the other day that my forties might just be filled with this aching gap without children - so what do we do? Chase the dream forever or put a time scale to it.  How much pain are we willing to go through?  It's almost too painful to imagine that it might never happen.  Remember laughing with a nurse at one of the very first appointments to discuss ivf about her having a six month old puppy who was driving her nuts - and I thought that's what we'll have if we can't have kids - (not sure how my cat would feel about this - she's staring at me now so might be twigging what I'm writing   ). 

But it's true, I have nurturing and loving to give, so if not babies it will be puppies or kittens.  It's not the same of course, but I do believe that the love we have all built and stored up inside for babies we can still experience in other ways. I am terrified of the thought of never having a child but will have to find another way if that is what we face. I remember feeling how much love I wanted to give a partner all those times I was single/ felt lonely. 

Yes looking forward to JB  hubby's waltzing around like nothing's happened, which is hard to swallow, but I know he will never apologise either. I'm sure this is stressful for him too (and hides it), as much as he's hurt me like hell.

Are you at peace with waiting until after crimbo to bring up the subject again? I'd love to hear how your story progresses Nosilab. 

Have a lovely Friday evening and hope you have a fab weekend lined up too! 
 xxx   xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi guys, hope you're all doing well on your journeys so far,,,,

7dp5dt today, woke up feeling really nauseous and fully expecting AF to arrive. Early testing negative (pee stick police where are you?!) lots of lower belly pressure, am convinced I'm not pregnant but super thirsty last 2 days.

Spent this morning crying every five minutes, very teary. Thought I'd totally lost it.

Got dressed, cleaned out fridge in kitchen with great gusto (as in cleaning not eating ) and don't feel emotional at all now.

Talk about roller coasters, does anyone find themselves getting mood swings that appear to be quite abrupt like this? Gone from utterly miserable to quite perky - god I hope this lasts.

Confused.

Hope you are all having fun weekends xxx Xxx


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## smudge52 (Apr 6, 2011)

Hi, i have spent some time reading through this thread and all i can say is WOW!!!! you really are an inspiration.....not only are you dealing with the usual effects and roller coaster movements of ivf, but you have an extremely unsupportive, cruel "H".  Im not going to spend too much time degrading him, as i think he has managed to do that on his own and i dont think he is worth it.  I just wanted to wish you all the best and i really hope this works for you and everything turns out the way you wish for


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Florence - been catching up on this post & words fail me... You sound like an amazing lady & you should be proud at the way you have handled this! I can't imagine what would make ur DH behave like that except fear but wow he is not handling it well at all! 

You have been through so much and I have everything crossed for you tomorrow & let's all hope you get your BFP!


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## Caz.s (Jun 27, 2008)

Hi Florence

I too have just been catching up and I really hope you are ok and had an okish wkd. 

I will be thinking about you tomorrow and I really hope that you get your BFP as what you have been through you really deserve it. We are all here for you. I know I will be loggin on here tomorrow morning to see your result and hoping that I see that BFP

Good luck xxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Smudge, Bambybaby, and Caz

Thank you for your really sweet wishes   I've been a donut and put the wrong date - it should be the 13th not 12th (unlucky for some eh?). 

Am pretty sure I'll test tomorrow anyway, but I'm convinced am not pregnant. With the state of my marriage the way it is, I doubt I'd get a big bear hug and smiles from H if I was.  if ever there were a time I needed him, it was the last 2 weeks, now there's just a big disappointment in him as a person.  Trying to talk gets nowhere because he'll never be wrong in his eyes and he can't handle ANY emotion.

Feel like I've drowned a river of tears, but know life carries on, regardless. 

Have a lovely Sunday ladies and I so very much appreciate your posts.


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## MissFruity (Nov 8, 2012)

hey Florence was just reading this thread and my eyes filled with tears at ure comments, must be hard enough going through ivf never mind with the horrible comments from ure DH, at least ubhave supportive family and friends and im wishing u all the luck in the world u get a bfp  i havey consultation appt 10th Dec to start IVF and already full of emotions never mind wen i start trent! good luck <3


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Just wanting to wish you good luck for testing tomorrow      .  If it's a BFP, revel in it and don't let your DH spoil it.  You are a strong lady, and you can deal with your DH in the fullness of time.

Ellie
xxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi guys, well in bits again! More rows with H, we actually went carpet shopping (couldn't agree), we went to see if we could experience some sense of normality, then he says we should wait for the pregnancy result first to "see what we're doing", "whether or not were keeping it" as it will have "financial implications" for him - this all came out in the shop - what the hell happened to LOVE? As in possibly loving your potential child? 

I went to Boots to buy some tests and made a mistake thinking it was "get 3 for 2" so as one assistant was checking this, a whole line of people had started to build up behind me, I felt myself welling up and just wanted to get out of there. 

So, driving home (trying to stop wailing), I've tested early, it's now 8dp5dt BFN, H is in the lounge Doing his own thing on his laptop, I have a feeling even the little ultrasound image has been mistakenly thrown away as I can't find it - just feel like I'm in hell. Blubbering away like a child.

I know this all sounds very "poor me" but if I'd have known what the last couple of weeks would have been 
like, I'm would not have gone through all of this.  I feel like I'm already grieving a baby that was never there and the death of my marriage, all rolled into one.

Have to go back into work tomorrow (no one knows), I really hope the day can pass without me falling apart.

I'll test and retest on tues - but perhaps I should see a negative as a good thing given my sham of a marriage right now


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Florence,

My heart is truly breaking for you.

Do you think you really knew your DH?

As if you would even consider terminating any child after going though Fertility treatment.

Whatever the outcome, please consider leaving him?  I have personally experienced a DH who struggled, but he never, ever said half the things your DH has said to you.

I honestly don't know how you have stayed with him.

It looks like I am miscarrying now and my DH is struggling.  He wasn't happy when a scan showed twins and I went to stay with my Mum for the weekend.  All I see now is a man struggling with guilt and he is gutted.

Take care and massive hugs.

Stacey
X


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Florence! Seriously do not waste anymore tears, you are having this baby, this is your time to be happy... Forget your H, do not let him ruin this for you!!! 
That baby will have more than enough love from you alone as you have been through so much to get him/her! 

How dare he talk about "getting rid", insensitive, baffling person... I am so sorry but I can't imagine how u must feel chic!!

Pls stay strong and vent whenever you need to with us! xxxxxxxxx


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## smudge52 (Apr 6, 2011)

Staceysm sorry to hear your news, will be thinkin of you x


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Oh Florence I really feel for you and if you were my friend or my sister I would be getting you out of that house immediately.  You need time to relax and focus on this massive journey you are going on.  How dare he say those things to you.  I know I don't know either of you but I am fuming that he treat you this way.  NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you are being treated.  Even if they are not going through IVF.  Do you have any close friends you can turn to?  You poor love.  It's not easy to think straight especially when your hormones are all over the place.  I will keep my fingers crossed for you on the 13th.  No matter what the outcome is I think you are going to have to start preparing to have a life without your H.  I know it's easy for me to say as I'm emotionally detached but you certainly do deserve better.  God bless you xx

Stacey - I'm so sorry to hear your news.  God bless you too and your DH xx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Stacey I'm so sorry to hear your news. Have emailed you, let me know if you got it ok.

Thanks ladies for your posts.
Love to you all
Xxxxxxxxxx


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Stay strong Florence and good luck with everything xx


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Hey Florence,

I just sent you an email.  Can you confirm if you received it please as it's not appeared in my sent box but it says I've replied  

Thanks x


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Florence, oh my goodness I didn't think he could get any worse, and then.... 
You have been through so much.   
Is there anyone at work you could talk to if you need to tomorrow? 
Is there someone you can go to for a hug tonight?
I know you wanted to stay at home, but maybe you could make an escape plan, even if it is a plan b, so that you have a way out if you need it. We are all here for you.  xx


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## Keepingpositive4more (Sep 21, 2012)

Florence I am so sorry ur going through this, infertility is lonely enough without fighting with the one person who should understand what u have been through! Test again on Tuesday and see. All that stress and anxiety won't help but u look after u and look after ur self xxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks again ladies, it means so much. And thank you for your pms too.

Hey Chugabur, yes I did get your mail and replied- did you receive it?  

I really don't know why H is behaving this way, he told me this morning he'd stopped loving me and doesn't really care, that I'd really let him down and broken his trust by calling his mum last week (I only did because of what had happened that day), I mean, the man really believes this is all my fault! 

I told him I was capable of saying sorry for my failings, when asking if he had the ability to apologise for his own behaviour, he just says "that's weakness, I'd rather get rid of people" - he lives in a world filled with denial, he won't even admit he's capable of ever being wrong, about anything!

Having told him about my negative this afternoon, I get "cheer up, you've got 2 more days to go" and "at least we have the holiday" .  He looked relieved but then repeated "oh youve got 2 more days, stop feeling sorry for yourself." 

Why the hell would we go on holiday together if he doesnt love me any more? I feel as though he's messing with my mind.  I don't understand him at all.  

Sorry for ranting on, am just really confused right now and it helps just to get it out.  One minute I feel strong as an ox, the next like a blubbering, weak pathetic woman.  

Funny tingles in nipples, grasping on to a little hope I might be pregnant and tested too soon- just need something to cling on to at this moment in time. 

Love you guys! Xxxxxxxxx


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## Keepingpositive4more (Sep 21, 2012)

That u let him down!!!!!!! My word mmmmmmmm don't know what to say, he seems as if he is really struggling with everything, we all know women cope better with stuff but he sounds delusional, hope it is short lived for ur sake.


Again hugs to u xxxx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

It is very strange that he says such mean things including not loving you, and then thinks you would just pick yourself up and go on holiday with the man. 

Someone once told me that some people get through life/cope with life by believing that they are right. 
The problem with this coping mechanism is that to do this they have to make other people wrong. 
which means emotional fukc -wits and really bad at dealing with the difficult times in relationships. 
H sounds like a classic case. 

You have been so strong, you're doing really well Florence. I am sending you some   and lots of good luck for tomorrow.


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Hi Florence,

No I'm afraid I didn't get your reply  

I hope you have a good day at work tomorrow.  Might be good to get out of the house and be "normal"  

Take care and never give up hope xx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Florence

I am so, so sorry that you are having all this hassle with your DH.  I can understand someone wanting to defer decisions on big expenditure in case there is a baby on the way, but I cannot understand how he can be talking about "whether you keep it".  If you get a BFP, be strong, be happy and remind yourself that you can give your baby all the love it needs, with or without your DH's support.  You can then work out what to do about him. At least you know now how he reacts under pressure...  


In the meantime, you are doing really well.  Don't let the ****** grind you down.  You WILL get through this, and things WILL get better.      

Good luck for tomorrow     , and take care of yourself.


Ellie
xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Oh Florence  

I'm lost for words again.  I'm sat here shaking my head at dis-belief yet again    How can he keep doing this to you?!  Who does he think he is to treat another human being this way - his WIFE!!  There is something seriously not right here - one minute he can be saying he doesn't love or care for you anymore but then wants to go away on holiday with you?!  WT  (sorry, excuse language!)!!!  I can't believe he put you through that in the middle of the carpet store, the man has no compassion whatsoever  

Have you tested again today hunni?  Either way I am sending you BIG BIG MASSIVE hugs      You truly don't deserve this, I wish I had a magic wand to make all this better for you, it makes my heart break for you  

xxx

Staceyemma, so so sorry to read your post.  Sending big hugs to you too   xx


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Hi Florence,

Hope you are ok?

Did you test again this morning?  How was your day back at work?

Just to let you know I still didn't get your message  

Hope you are staying strong.

Speak soon xx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi lovely ladies, and sending lots of   for all your kind replies.

Tested neg this morning, and tonight, otd is tomorrow but I know I'm not pregnant. Cried buckets but am ok, even a turn around from H being a bit more supportive.  He saw me blub like a baby last night and I think it's finally sunk in how painful this journey can be. (yeah, a bit late maybe....) He text me this afternoon (first text for a week whilst at work) saying how he'd make more of an effort.  I dont hate him or resent him, and i wont be bitter.  He's been dealing with this in a way I haven't understood and now see him for the child he can be. I'm sure I can also be a real cow bag  I've read so many heart wrenching stories on this site that are far, far worse. He says things to hurt, but I honestly don't think he realises the effect. Doesn't excuse the behaviour, but I am the stronger one who sees through it. For now....

Curiously this whole process has made me understand men a little more - which was unexpected. 

Each day we have to get up, get dressed, and carry on.  I am grieving for a baby I never conceived (and will eat my words if proved wrong tomorrow of course!), but am also very lucky to have 3 snow babies (love that : ) to try for next year.  I don't know about my marriage still, or our long term future, but right now I don't want to be filled with hate or blame either.  I'd rather see what I can learn from this first time shot at IVF.  There are also always others worse off.

This might sound a bit daft but am oddly humbled by this experience of trying for a baby- previously in my twenties assuming it would happen when I chose it to - now a big slap in the face of naivity. Life is so precious.

Sending all things warm to you wonderful, brave bunch of women. Thank you for being ears and hearts.
Xxxxxxxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)




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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Hi Florence,

I'm so sorry to hear you got a BFN   maybe it was just not meant to be right now.

I really do hope that things work out for you with H if that is what you decide you want.  Sounds like you both have a lot to talk about.  Who knows maybe next year things will be so much different and he will be the DH that you deserve while you go about getting your snow babies thawed out  

I wish you lots of luck for your future as you sound like a lovely young lady who deserves some happiness after everything you have been through lately.

Follow your heart  

Love Clare xx


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

Thinking of you sweetie xx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

They say IVF is an emotional rollercoaster, and I definitely think it's true.  Everyone responds in different ways.  I do hope things improve between you and your DH.  You are right not to be bitter - better to be able to try to work things through.  Hoping there might be a nice surprise when you test tomorrow, but, if not, your snowbabies will be waiting for you till you are ready.  My one has just learned how to kiss me good night.   

Take care of yourself.  You've had a hard time but things will get better.

Ellie


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Florence

Sending big hugs   

You are an amazing, brave, strong and courageous lady - a true inspiration.  You really really deserve all the happiness in the world and I wish nothing more than that for you.  I hope you and H manage to sort things out and can get your marriage back on track, if that's what you want.  The ultimate goal is for you to be happy.  I'm so sorry to see your BFN, take some time to grieve - there is no time limit, so don't rush your feelings.  This is a truly heartbreaking time.  I'm glad you have your 3 snow babies to return to when you feel the time is right.

Sending you lots of love and hugs     xxx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Florence, 
so sorry to see your BFN. 
Nosilab says it all so well.  
   look after you.
If you need us, you know where we are.
xxxx


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi Florence

How did you get on today?? did you test again??

Whatever the result, please stay strong and remember we are all here for you!!!       xxx


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

So sorry to hear your news Florence   

If anything, this last two weeks have given you strength and courage that you probably did not know that you had in you. I hope things work out well for you, whatever you decide to do


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## Keepingpositive4more (Sep 21, 2012)

Sorry Florence that's just ****ty, hope ur looking after itself. 

Maybe this round u and hubby were meant to make ur relationship stronger so when u try again u will be a united front getting ready for your longed for  BFP. I just really believe things do happen for a reason and its our jobs to try and see what the journey is all about rather than thinking about the destination.


Huge hugs to you and ur hubby he will be grieving too and it is grieving so give ur self time and plenty of chocolate xxxxx


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Just wanted to say a really big thank you for all your really super kind messages. Definitely a BFN, but holding on to our snow babies for the New Year.  

Best of luck and warmest wishes to you all.

Huge   all round, love you guys xxxxxxxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

xxxxxx


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## chugabur1972 (Jul 25, 2012)

Take care xx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Ellie


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## Caz.s (Jun 27, 2008)

Oh Florence I am so sorry to hear your news. Take care and sending you big hugs and kisses its true ly devastating. We are all here for you xxx


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## Marti24 (Aug 28, 2012)

Sorry to hear your news Florence.

My other half was reluctant to go into IVF but the negative result I got (I didn't even tell him, he just knew on the day) actually brought us together and has made us stronger. Yeah, I know that sounds a load of Cods!!

I think he thought I wouldn't be emotionally strong enough for IVF and I think the fact I was has in turn made _him_ stronger - i.e. we can put ourselves through this scary time, get bad news and still come out the end with a full head of hair and all our fingernails...well, in my case, slightly chomped fingernails! I'm hoping this applies to your partner too and when you go into the frozen cycle next year, he is there emotionally too. And by emotionally, I mean adult emotions and not his previous ones he has displayed!

x x x


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## Florence5 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hey lovely ladies : ) thank you so much, as always, huge congrats to those ++++ and   to any negs.  It's tough eh?

Marti I'm so pleased to hear your relationship has become stronger as a result of your own journey. I wasn't strong enough in my eyes as I really broke down at one point - I think it was in this moment my H realised (and even felt a bit guilty) how hard it's been.  For a couple of days I did feel resentment towards him as much as I didn't want to. All the "what ifs" surrounding whether or not we had rowed as much, if that would have had an effect on the embryos, all the nasty things he said - he literally shut down in these two weeks and was the coldest I'd ever known him.  Anyway, life carries on and we're trying to build, but there hasn't been a big discussion about it all. Sometimes I do question if our marriage will last for the long haul,,,time will tell. Trying to stay positive!

Big hugs and kisses to all of you and I hope you're all enjoying a lovely weekend.

 xxx   xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Florence, how are you doing?

I just wanted to correct you - you *WERE * and *ARE * strong. I was amazed by your strength every step of the way. You have your snow babies ready and waiting, so probably no need to have a big discussion about it all just yet. I'm in a similar boat really, and when I spoke to my counsellor about when to have the 'big discussion' about what happens next she said "why don't you wait and get the stresses of Christmas out of the way first and then you can discuss it in the new year" so that's what I'm going to do. I'm sure this whole experience has indeed made you question your marriage long term, you've just experienced one of the most stressful events/times of your life without the love and support of your H, so to feel that way is completely understandable. I'm hoping that that was just a 'blip' and that you'll be able to get things back on track soon. Are you both still planning on the Christmas getaway?

Big hugs  xxx


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## jgiles (Oct 20, 2008)

Dear Florence 

really really sorry to hear your story. Glad at least you had your mother.
I hope things have sorted out a bit now - I that some men get very cold feet.

After years of waiting for a donor myself and my partner finally started to do a donor egg cycle. I was estatic. However on the second appointment (having arranged all the tests etc, donor started her programme of injections, paid all the monay and been (from my perspective at least),  so grateful that such a lovely donor had been willing to do this...... my partner walked out and said " I just cannot do this.    I spent three days solidely in tears. I really wanted a baby with him  Clearly it all meant a lot more to me than him . (I actually went through with donor sperm in th end),
I find it very ahrd how he could have let me down so much,  it is something I find hard to forgive


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