# 4th time BFN finding it hard to cope



## Lavendarlady (Jun 7, 2009)

Hi

I've just spent ages typing this but managed to lose it - so here goes again.  I hope it doesn't end up going on twice!

This is the first time I've posted, I've never had the confidence to before, but everytime we've gone through IVF I've read the posts and cried and related to what everyone on here goes through.

Our 4th ICSI attempt has just come to an end.  I was supposed to be testing today, but again we didn't even get that far.  We were so positive this time and I felt strong.  On Mon (day 10) I had the tiniest amount of spotting but it stopped immediately with nothing for the rest of the day and then nothing on Tue.  We allowed ourselves to start to get our hopes up...but on Wed it had started again and by yesterday and today it is here with a vengeance.

We are devastated and heartbroken.  My DH manages to put a braver face on it than I do.  We have a wonderful relationship and pick each other up each time this happens.  Our family and friends are also very loving and supportive, but I have withdrawn into myself and can't talk to them about it.

I know this initial grief passes, but the pain never goes away and it's so hard to cope with sometimes.  One of the worst things about not being able to conceive is the feeling of isolation it brings when everyone else around you has no problem.  We don't know anyone else who has gone through this.

My best friend had a baby in March, my brother and sister-in-law were successful first time with ICSI and had twins in May (beautiful boy and girl), my sister is due to give birth at the end of this month and my other sister-in-law is 12 weeks pregnant.  I love them all and am happy for them, but it does tear both of us apart inside and we feel so excluded.  This does not even include our other friends who all have young children and babies. 

Everyone close to us knows our situation.  We have been TTC for 5years+ now and over the years have told people in order to stop the questions of 'when are you going to start trying' etc etc...Most people are sensitive to our situation, but not everyone.  It's so very hard to listen to your sister-in-law complaining about morning sickness when I would give my right arm (so to speak) to have that!

Am pretty certain this is the end of the IVF road for us, due to cash reasons and also I don't think I'm strong enough to go through this again.  The thought of facing a childless future is so very, very difficult to deal with.

I'm sorry this is such a depressing post but I felt I had to express my feelings to people who are going through the same thing.  I don't mean to sound 'woe is me'.


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi

I am sending you a big hug,

Its is hard and your right the pain does not go but it does ease. I also had my fourth BFN with IVF a few weeks agao and was devasted, I still feel raw but now manage for 10 mins not to dwell on the fact that its not my turn to be a mum.

Life is unfair and unkind at times. Your feelings are natural, you will survive this it  just does not feel like it at moment.What does not break you will make you stronger.

Starting IVF is hard but ending it is even harder.I also have ran out of cash and am debting saving up or more loans which i cant affort or to move to adoption but i cant make any decison as yet as my body and brain are not working. 

IVF has been an obsession for me and now i need time to work out who i am.

I also find it hard to hear about baby talk, as i think I want this to be me....

try and be kind to yourself .

If you need anything let me know

Thinking of you!!

Jenny


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Lavenderlady,

Another unfortunate, unlucky BFN (2nd for me) here as well.  Don't apologise for one minute about having a 'me' post.  Aren't you entitled to it?

Why do we feel that we have to 'get over' a failed IVF so quickly.  I think the reason is that no one understands what we put ourselves through to try to achieve our dreams.  

If you broke up with your partner or lost your job or had a big row with someone close to you, everyone understands why you would be upset.  There must be hundreds of songs about losing love or unrequited love or broken romance, but only a handful about wanting a baby.  I listened to Kelly Coffee 'I would die for that' on Youtube and it is heartbreaking, but so true.

If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them.

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy.  I just don't get it.

I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.

I'm going to take all the time I need and I'm going to try to explain to my friends/family just how hard it is.

In a way, I think it is as secretive as having mental health problems, no one knows what to say, and everyone that loves me just wants me to be ok, but I'm not and I won't be for as long as it takes.

I take my hat off to you having the strength to go through this torturous process as many times as you have, but doesn't it feel that all the hard work and all the sacrifice and all the pain has not been worth it?  That is how I feel.

Sending you big hugs and support.  Healing will only come with time, and we all have plenty of that.

Dee
x


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## Lavendarlady (Jun 7, 2009)

Hi Jenny

Thank you so much for replying, it really helps to be understood.

I know exactly what you mean about your body and brain not working.  I never realised it would be so hard to come to the decision to stop.  We've discussed adoption in the past, but have agreed we need to get over this first before we can explore that option.

I'm 36 now and the feeling of the biological clock ticking is horrible.

I don't really know all the phrases that people on here use, but I really do hope it's your turn soon.  I totally relate to the feeling of not knowing who you are anymore.

B


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## Lavendarlady (Jun 7, 2009)

Hi Dee

Thanks for replying.  I feel like I'm opening up a bit more.  

You're right, we do feel we have to pick ourselves up quickly and 'get over it' and put a brave face on for the world.  I did this for the last 3 times but last October I was diagnosed with depression and have been having counselling ever since which does help.

I hope you take as long as you need and I agree it is right for you to try and explain how you feel to your loved ones.  I know that's what I should be doing.

I've never thought of it before how you've just explained it, with all the accurate scenarios you've just presented, but it's so true and you are expected to be happy at the news of a pregnancy, and listen to endless baby talk.  I think because it's such a basic and taken for granted thing for most people to achieve (pregnancy) that infertility is a complete mystery to them which they can't even comprehend.

I will listen to that song.

Yes, my DH and I were saying this morning when we woke up, what was the point of all that effort that we went through again, it just seems all so pointless now.

I'm also sending you a big hug, and you too Jenny, and I hope it will be your turn very soon.

It's like a sisterhood isn't it.

Thanks again

B


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

FF is great as you are not alone, those feelings you think are mad, feel guility and frustrated are all natural.

Fertility is with us 24/7 and we cant escape it which makes it painfully, People expect you to be happy and you just cant

I have a christening on Sunday and i advised I cant go, I have decided i am not putting myself through the pain anymore as no one will be there that understands how difficult it is for me. This time i am being selfish and thinking of me and it feels good, as i know i cant face these events are present , too raw from BFN.

Thinking of you all. we will survive this and one day our dreams will come true one way or another.

jenny


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## Lavendarlady (Jun 7, 2009)

Yes FF is great isn't it and I'm so glad I finally plucked up the courage to post myself instead of always reading and running!  

Good for you not going to the Christening.  Too often we put ourselves in these painful situations because its expected of us.  But why should you go when you know you'll feel like you're going to crack any moment.  I went to a family do last year a couple of weeks after our last attempt and it was the worst thing I could have done, it was very hard to hold it together and then me and DH ended up having a barney later on!  Look after yourself.

Oh, and I just wanted to clear up any confusion I may have caused with my initial post.  I said that we didn't know anyone else going through this.  Well obviously, my brother and his lovely wife had IVF so they do understand the pain of infertility. However, their cause was found fairly early on (unlike us) and they luckily didn't have to wait on the NHS list like we did, and then of course it was successful first time in the best possible way (boy and girl).  I'm not undermining what they went through themselves in anyway.  My sister-in-law and I used to talk about infertility alot, and I can still talk to her now, but their lives have completely changed now and we are left behind.  IVF is a wonderful thing when it works, and some people are very lucky when it works first time.


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## dot (Sep 9, 2009)

Hi Lavender lady,
Im in a very similar situation to yourself. I have had 4 attempts ICSI. However the 1 st attempt was positive, I later miscarried about 2 weeks later and feel very let down by the whole system. Eveyone is able to tell me a success story but not very many have told us the other story. I also have friends, relatives having babies left and right and many asking are we not trying (married 6 years). There were only so many years I could say we were just practising. Now my answer has changed and say things aren's going so well in that department. I also remain hopeful that Im going to be a mum some day, however the future just isnt as bright after the 4th time but just not ready to give up. Best Wishes.
Dot


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

I cried reading these posts. I too had my 2nd ICSI BFN this week, although I already knew the result as AF arrived dead on time, 2 weeks after EC.  I really and truly don't know where we're going to go next - I feel like I can't give up, but I also feel like it's pointless to keep throwing all our time, effort, emotions, not to mention money, at this and end up feeling more of a failure afterwards than before... 

Lavendarlady, I wrote a similar thing to you a few weeks ago - IVF is a wonderful thing when it works - but it hurts so so much when it doesn't   

I am also trying to cope right now with multiple pregnancy announcements - singles, twins, even triplets, and it hurts each time I hear the news.  And I hate to admit it, but what really gets to us both is when friends have had tx and get pg - if they can do it, then why can't we? What's wrong with us? I do feel for what they went through, of course, but why does it work for them?? 

I admire all of you so much who have gone on to do 4, 5, and more IVFs... I wish we could all get our bfps


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

i have just had my first bfn with icsi. it is horrendous pain. im trying to pick up the pieces and plan towards our next go. part of me cant get started soon enough and the other part of me doubts that it will even work. 

i read a poster in the clinic last week "there is only one thing harder than having a baby and thats not been able to have a baby". that is so true. my heart breaks when i hear about ppl getting pregnant very easily or unexpectedly. 

i share your pain so much even though this is my first bfn with icsi i have had several naturally and its hurts!


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## tiddles (Aug 19, 2009)

I totally understand where you all come from, I had my 1st failed ICSI 4 weeks ago. I tried to follow all advice and information to the book and still no BFP. I was devastated and people don't understand when all you want to do is be on your own. 

People can be so thoughtless at times and sometimes they just need to think. I felt very resentful to my reproductive system following our BFN thinking thats it I am never trying again. But now obviously i just want to get started. My problem at the minute is I have not had my AF since my failed cycle and all i can feel is that the medications have messed me up so much that i may never return to normal.

I think we are quite within our rights to have these feelings , but i think it is equally important to take time out for yourselves. We are now planning a holiday to relieve some pressure before our next cycle.


Hugs and thoughts to all

Tiddles x x x x


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## birthbaby (Aug 11, 2004)

hi girls  

just to give you all hope i had 4 failed ivfs one natural ectopic 

on the 5th being a fet i had my miracal girl   then i thought i would try one more fresh cycle so 6th attemp for brother or sister and i ended up with both boy and girl so please i no its hard to think after 2,3,4,5 goes but i was gunna give up and thought to myself well ive gone thro that many cycles it hasnt worked yet so.... but then i tghought ide just looked at it as one big cycle till it worked    im not saying its easy cause i no from experiance it isnt people would say u got age on yr side yeah i started 1st ivf at 22 doesnt make it anyeasier when it failed   now 30 things people say grrrrr it wasnt meant to be this time gets boring and grinds u down after the 4th go i got depressed alot everyone around me having babies and everywer i looked was babies but it was something a spiritulist said to me one day didnt even no her that a message from my mam was dont give up    and i never and kept my brave face on and presto   please dont give up 


i really hope u all get yr dreams     feel free to ask anything  

take care nikki xx


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