# Colleagues bringing their babies into work



## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Got this issue this week!  We are a small team and there have been a few people going on mat leave recently.  One is going to bring her baby in later this week and I just know I'm not going to be able to handle it.  I had my last miscarriage a year ago and I'm very much getting towards the end of my IVF journey where I might very soon have to accept I'll never be a mum.  It's awkward as I got on really well with the colleague who is bringing in her baby and she actually contacted me to check I was going to be there and to see if the rest of the team would be.  She doesn't know my situation.  Part of my role does involve going out into the community so I could book an appointment to take me out of the office but it's just awkward as we are a small team so everyone will notice me going out and question why I'm not staying in to see the colleague (one or two of them know my situation). I know I definitely can't be there so I might just be upfront with my colleague who is coming in and arrange to see her on my own another time. 
I think the issue with this sort of situation is the whole public nature of it.  Often I can handle seeing a friend on their own with their baby as even though it's hard, I'm not dealing with seeing everyone's reactions and listening to all the comments and comparing their own stories of the early days.  It's caused me so much anxiety and it's just too much.  Definitely can't handle it.


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

I'd be honest with her and agree to meet her on her own another time.  You can always message her at the last moment saying sorry you forgot you had an appointment to go to and say can you arrange a meet up another time on your own.  That way you don't have to explain about your loss and fertility troubles now.  Then you have a choice to reveal your troubles after time if you wish to or not you just see baby with her mum.  Many women have suffered miscarriage but few say anything as it happens early on.  When you say something you might find support and understanding from unexpected people:  I did for a twin loss at 20 weeks everyone knew. 
TCCx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

I would be honest with her and tell her the truth.  If she has no idea about your situation, then she might bring the baby in at another time again, so that you can meet him/her.

I worked in a small office and a girl brought her baby in unannounced.  It was very hard, as every one was cooing and making a fuss.  I held it together by not looking directly at the baby and just thinking of other things in my head.  She also conceived a month after her wedding and coming of the pill, so it made it slightly harder.

X


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## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

Can totally relate to this.  As others have said, in this situation it might be better to message her quietly and offer to meet her another time - if it's someone you trust that is. 
I had something similar with an unexpected pregnancy announcement, a colleague in the know prewarned me it was coming - the pressure I felt at having to make the right 'reaction' was just too much and caused me so much anxiety it was horrible.  In the end I emailed her and briefly explained our situation - not all of it, just that we're going through some 'struggles' and pregnancy announcements are particularly hard.  It's the first time I've shared it with anyone at work other than my line manager but it felt the lesser of two evils and it really eased the pressure.  She sent me a lovely response and was very understanding and respectful, and it's made the whole thing easier since then. 

It's a really hard situation, work should be a safe place from babies and the pressure when they turn up at work can be immense.  It's the whole 'performance' element of it, feeling we have to do and say the right things; just highlights everything that's wrong with our culture where loss and infertility are something which people either don't know exist or think should be kept hidden.


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Thanks so much everyone for the great advice. Northern, it's so true that it does put so much pressure on.  If I'd been there in the office then I'd have to listen to all the admiring comments whilst making sure I'm looking happy and even having to dodge offers to cuddle the baby.  It's too much.  In the end I messaged the girl who is coming in and told her my situation and she sent a lovely reply.  She was totally fine and understanding.  As it happens I'm not well anyway so am not in (damn that buserelin!) but at least I had sorted something.  That kind of thing is so tough.


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## onolyn (Jan 5, 2019)

Yes, truth is not always easy, but the truth is always better


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

I would tell her the truth. I have been in similar situation, when I was pregnant, and my friend wasn't, and she decided to stop seeing me without any explanation, although we have been friends since our school, and I really miss her now.


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