# Please help me- adoption advice needed



## happy42day99 (Nov 20, 2011)

hi ladies

i am new here. We are unable to have children due to a problem with me. We have had to ivf cycles failed.

We have been speaking about adoption last year and said we would like to try this year and apply.
we both been speaking about it, to others etc and both chat quite openly about it most of the time. 
We are still sad about being told we cannt have any children and i guess it never leaves you.
But last night when i started mentioning about things we may need to do around the house for a socal worker visiter(we havent applied yet btw)
he started to keep putting up negatives,and then started saying "not sure if this is right"?, i dont want to adopt.....maybe adoption not for us, "told u i wasnt initailly keen" which granted he wasnt at first, but after speaking with people etc and we chatted quite abit about it, i gathered it was all systems got for 2012.
so basically i have not really spoke to him today  as im devastated...i have text him asking if he ment it and he said we will talk tonight and he loves me....i cant bear the thought of no children, its so unfair, yet i love my husband to death......please help  xxx


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

ah hun well done for posting this.

we are just starting the adoption journey after a similar history to you. When we were going through treatment we did talk about adopting if ivf didnt work. DH was dead set against it because of family experience. He always said that if it came to it he would think about it. When it came to the end of our treatment he did think about it. we talked with friends who have recently adopted and read some books and read posts from here. I didnt put an pressure on him as its something we both need to want to do. He initiated converstation about it and said yes he wanted to adopt too. We have our first meeting with social workers next week.

I think you need to give him time and space to think about it. Its a huge decision to make and easy to say you will do it when its an IF. when it actually comes to it and reality hits its much more difficult. There is a grieving process in that you are leaving your dreams of naturally ttc or even by treatment.

I really hope your dh comes to this decision but he may need some time.

xxx


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## happy42day99 (Nov 20, 2011)

thank you someday...really needed to speak to somebody, i been so upset at work today with nobody to talk to and not to dh as dont want to go on about it etc....

thats great news about ur social worker visit!!...such a big step and great u both made that choice...can i ask how long did u wait in between ending treatment and applying?....so exciting, have u been told how long the process will take?

we have had no conselling and sometimes i just burst into tears when sad things come on tv about babies and stuff...and realise..its not going to be me ever  .....do i need more time?!?....im so ready to be a mum, i was born to care and be a mother, we are perfect couple, lovely home, relationship, job etc...and so much love waiting seems so unfair. 

I feel like he prob needs time  but a stupid selfish part of me wants to "come on" lets get cracking and i know thats wrong....
we gonna talk tonight....i feel like its all my fault cos its my eggs that are the problem, and am i robbing him of not having his own child and in his words "somebody elses  .....he seems to of backed off abit and it worries me so much....our dreams are to have "a little me" lol and now it cant happen....it is a big deal its so easy to get caught up in the moment of making plans and get carried away without considering his feelings....maybe i havent enough, its just he seemed really keen  x x


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## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Hi hon, I didn't want to read and run   

I first mentioned adoption and dh wasn't really sure, and even when we started the prep course he wasn't 100% sure, but I said that it is a preparation course and use it to gather information and meet people in similar positions and we aren't committed to proceeding. Once he started he did realise it was the path for us. But I had to treat him with kid gloves in the beginning. He is a researcher as a job, so needed time to research it through reading books. 

Take care xx


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## happy42day99 (Nov 20, 2011)

thanks Irish lady. . that was useful. . as much as we wouldn't want to pull out doing
the preparation course is preparing you and gathering information so he can change his mind if he decides then. . i shall put that point across. 

he is home in a minute. just hope everything ok? am sure Will be.
we both wanted children. just didn't work out the way we hoped x x x


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

evening


when DH and I first talked about started talking about a family i told him i always wanted to adopt it just felt right, he wanted to try ICSI, he knew we were going to have problems because of him and he was reluctant. I didn't want the ICSI with the injections etc but agreed to if he attended an open evening for adoption.


our treatment failed in june 09 we got married dec 09 and he kept his promise mar 2010 and attend an open evening - the kids have been with us 6mnths now


DH wanted kids more than me i am more career minded, if you can get your DH to an info evening that will help, but if its not for him then its not, its a tough journey and you have to be 100% commitment or LA VA will turn you away. the HS requires complete honesty and communication and SW will pick up on any reservations


do you know anyone who has adopted who could talk to him about the joys of adoption? as hearing it first hand helps as well or seeing an adopted family?


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

happy42day99 said:


> thank you someday...really needed to speak to somebody, i been so upset at work today with nobody to talk to and not to dh as dont want to go on about it etc....
> 
> thats great news about ur social worker visit!!...such a big step and great u both made that choice...can i ask how long did u wait in between ending treatment and applying?....so exciting, have u been told how long the process will take?
> 
> ...


we had our last treatment this time last year. we didnt discuss it for a few months as we needed to have a break and get over it not working and the finality of that. it was about sept when we talked about it and we went to an open night in december.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

hi,

just echoing what some of the girls have said - my DH knew I was keen on adoption but as I am younger (or was when we started this road) then he felt we should try enough treatments to feel we had exhausted it with no regrets.  I finally had enough and broached the Adoption again and started mentioning it to DH.  Whilst he was reluctant per se - more thought it was too early.  Again i went through all my fears and worries and we made appointment for new clinic for icsi and infor night at adoption for same month and decided to review.  At this point i felt more positive to try icsi and when that didnt work then we both went back to adoption.  Prep course gave us option to exlpore then decide if it was for us.  Thats when I knew DH was really into it with me (same worries etc and getting us on same page).

As others have said, both of you need to be 100% committed so If i was you I would have an open discussion, but appreciate that we all take different paths and timescales to open up to it and find our families in different ways than we set out for.  Also sharing that many of us have had DH be worried (Prep groups werr fab in finding out some other male viewpoints for me on adoption).

Take care
G xox


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## happy42day99 (Nov 20, 2011)

hi ladies
thank you for replies.
well dh has come home and told me adoption is a no go.
Im devastated. truth be told Im grieving all again. maybe didn't grieve at all first time or second time as there has always been. . a . i what's the next plan.
now there is no next plan. hesaid he wanted our child, not anybody else's.
we argued. and i cried a lot. but that's it. no children.
can anyone tell me how i deal with this?since i was little girl i couldn't wait to be a mummy .
i am 31 and my future feels scary knowing my life long dream has ended. 
x x x


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## lunacat (Dec 21, 2011)

Hi, I didn't want to read and run. We are just looking into adoption now following years of tx which failed. Maybe he needs some time to accept that you can't have your own children together. do you think he would agree to at least go to an info evening?  To meet other people in the same situation and talk to people who have been though adoption may change his mind, sometimes we are afraid of what we know little about. Hope I haven't waffled and wish you all the best.  xxxx


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

Don't have much advise as we are also just starting out and Dh is very much on board. But can you maybe even ask him to consider some time out maybe 6 months to grieve loss of natural child and then ask him to consider an info evening. He maybe just needs some time to think things over.


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

I am sorry to hear this. 
I just wanted to add similar to the others here. Grieving the loss that you are not going to have a birth child is hard to grasp and only time allows it to lessen but it will always creep up on you when you are least expecting it to. Let yourselves cry and grieve your loss. Perhaps have some hope and belief in your dream that you may still be a Mummy one day. You are still young. Spend some time with your DH doing things you love to do together. Have a break from talking about babies and adoption and some time together. Perhaps in a few months he will come around to the idea. Maybe recommend some reading or meeting with adoptive parents. Try to stay positive and hold onto your dream. Take each day step by step. You have so many emotions to think about at the moment.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Couldn't read and run   massive to you!

I would echo others in that he may need time to come around or may have decided. Being me I would
Question why he only sees having your child. Adoption is more about seeing yourselves parenting and if adopting as a couple then raising children and being parents together. If anything like my DH sometimes I find stating things like this then leave alone for a while and enjoy being a couple would allow him to re think again 

I don't want to give you false hope and only you can decide if u can see yourself without being a parent (being fab auntie etc). I was very clear with DH that we had to decided it together - either be parents thro adoption or if we could see a life together without children. I always thought I would go on my own if I had to but when I took time out I really didn't want that - to me I did start to see ways that being childless could work for us if that was our fate ie house, holidays, career, friends. But Much happier that we both decided on adoption though.

Big hugs and be kind to you both as you work through your thoughts and emotions. As I bet everything is still very raw x x


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Sorry hun, I really things work out for you both x

I planted the seed in my husbands head initially, and kept dropping in lovely stories of adoption, watched programmes about adoption whilst he was in the room, then we have a chat about it and decided that it was the way forward. But it was me talking about it (without forcing it on him/forcing him into it) that lead him suggesting adoption.

Have you had a look at the adoption stories in this forum, I am sure that you will come across a few that you can relate to, some that are going through what you and your dh are going through now?

He may just need time, in the meantime enjoy couple life. 

Good luck x x x


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Happy, like the others I couldn't read and run ^hug me^  

My dh was very much like yours and I know how devastating it is to hear when all your life all you want to be is a mummy.
I had a job to convince my dh to try IVF, he allways had the mind set that if it is not meant to be then it is not to be.
But as I had severe endo we were told IVF was the only way we could have children and I told dh I couldn't go through life without not even trying, after he thought about it for a few days and a lot of sulking and tears (on my part) he came round to the idea.
Cut a very long story short, when we lost our first Ivf baby at 10 weeks this was the only time he realised how much he wanted to be a dad and mostly how much I wanted to be a mum. After another 6 goes of IVF we got pg with twins and again lost these at 9 weeks and my dh was adamant we were not doing IVF again and to be honest I couldn't bear going through a m/c again, but I told dh that we had to look into adoption as there was no way I could go through life not being a family and said "i am not going to push you into a discion now but I cant go through life without children in it, so just think about it, you have 2 weeks" and it wasn't mentioned for 2 weeks, but in the mean time I phoned our LA to see what happens and how long this takes so I could give him some information about adoption when the 2 weeks were up.
When they were up he was prepared to go to the info session to see what happens and what they need from us.
We went and he came out of the meeting more positive than me, but even though we signed up for the prep course I always had this nagging feeling that he was going to back out at the last minute, and I remember the first prep day, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife, but by that afternoon he relaxed and we are now going to panel in March.

I always knew my dh would be a good dad and at the end of the day having a family is more important than having our own child, wether your dh can get his head around this or not I don't know, maybe he just needs time and maybe a bit of a push(gently gently).
It has worked out for me and I truly hope you can change your dh way of thinking, there are so many children out there who need a mummy and daddy and would bring just as much joy to him as your own child.
If you could just convince him to go to a information evening, then you may have a break through.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Skyblu.xxx


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## happy42day99 (Nov 20, 2011)

thank you ladies for your lovely messages i read everyone.

last couple of days been better. we have had no talk of anything to do with adoption
or babies. . and silly to say but its a relief and we seem to laugh more and just gettin on better.

obviously there is this room in my head i just can't enter for the thee being.
if this is blocking it out perhaps i needed too. 
he said we would evaluate the situation next year so that's what am gonna do. 
my friend told me to give up ttc naturally but i wouldn't tell her to give US lookin for Mr  right x x


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## Omelette (Nov 28, 2007)

hello happy42day99

Sorry to hear that. We are just starting out - initial visit on 23rd Feb. We decided in 2010 it was not for us then saw that Panorama programme in the autumn and decided to look into it. 

Can I suggest something: if dh wants only his child,how about saving up and looking into surrogacy? 

Best wishes and keep off the baby talk for the moment, men don't like being pushed!


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