# Pursuing our dream



## Helend75

So, a little about me. My signature sums up our treatment but we've considered adoption as a way to have a family since the first failed cycle. We watched the programme (BBC?) on adoption parties & later the Andrew Castle programme on ITV. I've been reading diaries & blogs for the last 18 months or so. They've been both a comfort & a terrifying prospect (probably in equal measure!!). 
We are booked in for a home visit on Wednesday, having been to open evenings for 2 LAs. I suspect the LA we're in (visiting Wednesday) would like us to wait longer than we have so am prepared for that to be said. They do say it's a 6 month wait, and it's 6 months since we did the last test - though the subsequent miscarriage dragged out a further 6 weeks.
We cleared the house like mad last weekend & there'll be more of the same this weekend together with some targeted cleaning. We're very fortunate insofar as we have a 5 bed house so there's no way we don't have the room, but I still worry about where to hide the 'stuff'!!
We have also been on a proper reading mission. 
I downloaded a few things from amazon & started with Sally Donovan's No Matter What - which I'm relieved to have since read shouldn't be your first book!!! It did scare me & threw up a specific issue for me (will come to it!) & I nagged OH into reading it also. He's given up on it - it kept him awake one night. The issue of dealing with parental death isn't one he likes to consider (does anyone?), but he said he was agreeing to take in some children/a child and provide a loving home whole he felt the book paints only the negative & he felt it was likening the experience to having rabid wolves enter your home! 
He's eager to read about the balance & has been better with the more scientific book on what attachment disorder and the like is. I'd like him to open his eyes a bit more to the range of real life/living with problems!

What struck me - I'm a teacher - is a) how I teach & b) the potential issues of sending a lo to school and the issues he/she may face. Put bluntly, I know that there are particular students I teach who have particular conditions & advice is issued on how to best deal with these students - but I know that the real situation for me is not dealing one on one with said student, but managing a behaviour alongside 20+ other students. I'm not alone in that either, I just mean that we are only human and when you are having one (or more!) students cause a distraction you can lose your cool. I teach 11-18 & am in a challenging school in my defence &  I know that I can be very black and white too. I don't know, I've just become very self aware & reflective - it's not news to me but in the days of assuming I'd have children naturally school issues/learning difficulties weren't something I'd ever considered. Thanks to 'No Matter What' I've developed a real bee in my bonnet about it! I can also see the spin side, that as a teacher I am well placed to know what schools could/should offer & in my experience schools will jump all kinds of hoops if the parent shows a bit of knowledge.
If there are any teachers who've adopted who are reading this who can tell me if this is a normal reaction then please reassure me!!
Anyway, home visit Wednesday....


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## mummy2blossom

Hi just thought I'd pop on to wish you good luck & hope Wednesday goes well. Adoption for us has been the most wonderful thing we have done so I hope your journey brings you happiness too. 

I'm not a teacher so can't help there but it sounds like you have been doing lots of research & are preparing yourselves. On the house tidy/clean front try not to go overboard & panic about it (easier said than done I know) but social workers will want to imagine a child in your home & if it's too tidy etc then it'll be difficult for them to understand how you would cope with the mess & 'stuff' that comes with a child (and completely takes over the whole house!!)

All the very best


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## Wyxie

Hi Helen,

I'm sorry to read about your losses and wish you well for your meeting on Wednesday.

Regarding schooling, I think the ability to basically select the school you want for adopted children now really helps because of course you are right that for a teacher with a class of 30 managing behaviour does have to be the priority in a lot of situations.  

I have two children, the oldest of whom is currently in pre-school and due to start school in September, the younger will be starting pre-school probably in the summer term.  I did a lot of research and visited all but one of my local primary schools (we have 9 in our town to my utter amazement, of which 5 have pre-schools) and spoke to their special educational needs coordinators before making a decision on school selection.  The school I have picked is not the school I would have selected had I had biological children with no suspected additional needs.  The school on my local estate has a much smaller and "nicer" catchment area and great OFSTED reports and results.  However they have very little experience of dealing with children with additional needs and they also don't have a pre-school, so it would have been one pre-school then a change for school, which is a massive consideration for my daughter.  The school I've picked for pre-school has so far lived up to what I'd hoped and been incredibly supportive of my daughter and of me, and I have made an application to the infant school which we have already had a lot of involvement with.  They have a good academic record but they do have a wider catchment area which would probably have made me think otherwise but it also gives them a lot of experience of dealing with kids who have issues and that has been apparent from the start.  The SEN support is fantastic, they have nurture play areas and a high staff to child ratio through teaching assistants, and they are really open to individual needs of children.

I'm not sure that answers you question as a teacher, but as an adopter, I think being a teacher would help you to find the best school and push for the best support possible for your kids.

I agree about the house tidying by the way.  Make sure the rooms are accessible, and definitely clean, but too tidy can raise eyebrows about how you'll cope with child related mess.  Five bedrooms sounds awesome.  We have three, and with two kids I'm running out of places to shove the stuff I don't have time to sort through.  I want a room I can just throw stuff in then force the door shut and forget about it!  I want a room I can throw a child into and know they will come to no harm and destroy nothing valuable too.  If I had a spare bedroom, that's what it would be!

I look forward to hearing about how the meeting goes.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Helend75

Thank you for your replies - I've been reading your journeys!
Re the house. We moved in last April (from number 14 to 18, so no change of neighbourhood!), and still had a room piled with boxes. Last weekend was basically a weekend of tidying away & going to the tip! 
Also a sort through underwear drawers (again a textiles bag for the tip !!), to make sure that they can be closed instead of left half open!!
I don't think I'll ever be accused of living in a show home, my default position though is 'utter tip' so must up my game to make it more if a 'lived in house' look!

Wyxie, your schooling comments have been useful. I was anxious that I didn't come across as an intolerant teacher, I try to get it right but on the wrong day, when certain buttons are pressed I get it wrong. I do try to make it up/wipe the slate clean when the occasion arises. I also hear a lot of horror stories, make CP referrals (& quite frankly look at some kids & wonder what they're still doing with their parents!!!). 
I had this conversation with OH last night; I think maybe I'm feeling a little overwhelmed... I put it to him that I'd been reflecting on how I can be with kids (whereas I know I'm an entirely different person with my nieces!), how I am very much focussed on action/consequence (because the other 20+ kids in a class want to know what's going to happen to X given what they've done/said), that I can be quite inflexible. He said that's where he comes in, that he can be a little more flexible & between us we're a good team - which was reassuring enough & I'm glad he said the right thing!


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## Helend75

Eeeek. It's tonight... 
The house is clean and tidier (without looking like a showroom). 
I have, naturally, got myself a little anxious. It is 6 months since treatment ended, although not yet 5 since the miscarriage. We knew from the first scan that this wasn't a viable pregnancy, things did drag for sometime though in the pregnancy that lacked a baby...


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## Helend75

Home visit has been successful! SW commented that we didn't appear to need any longer than the 6 months recommended and she would be recommending us. Should receive a copy of her written report end of this week/beginning of next at the earliest.
Celebrating with a Chinese takeaway!

Head now feels a hundred times lighter now this first visit is over!


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## Wyxie

What lovely news, the first step on a whole new journey.


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## Helend75

Thank you Wyxie. We told her we had every confidence that we would make good patents & could provide someone with a loving home & could care for them in every way. 
If we can get our registration forms in by the end of the month, then we 'd be looking at completing the process for August. 
She is to email me this week with details of the prep days which are - she thinks - end Feb & June.


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## Helend75

I may have jumped the gun a little, the SW has to check that her manager is OK to put us through to the next round, but will be recommending us. 
She sent through the dates for prep - April and June. I've asked if we can be pencilled in fir April given it coincides with my school holidays and that would make things a lot easier. OH has put in a request today to have those days as holiday. She also sent some guidance as to how to go about choosing our referees - the next big conversation (subject to managers agreement to put us through to stage 1).


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## Helend75

Well, we received the copy of the home visit on Friday. It was a nice overview of us, with a few inaccuracies (a friend with 2 daughters; actually it's 2 children - one of each - that sort of thing), though they were mainly of a minor nature.
Tuesday we received a copy of the ROI, so not yet approved to stage 1, but I can't imagine we could put anything down on this form that could now prevent things proceeding given the home visit went well & includes a recommendation to proceed?

We have said sibling group; 2 preschoolers and every correspondence we've had reiterates that there are no/few single children under 3yrs available.

We are however struggling with referees...
We've put down a friend of mine from teacher training college, it's v fair to say we see more of my closest friends who live at most 90mins away & are all without children than we do OH's closest friends who live 3hrs+ away. Out of 3, we felt 2 knew OH better than the third, but with one getting married in 8 weeks felt that she probably had enough on her plate right now. 
My friend who I have put is a deputy head and so won't be at all intimidated by speaking with a SW, went through a break up with his partner of 14 years about 6 months after OH & I met and so we spent a lot of time with him over this period & felt he could vouch for us as being a supportive couple. He was really touched to be asked (at my surprise birthday party on Saturday night - surprise as I thought I was going out for an early valentines meal - and because it's not my birthday for another month!!!!) & didn't hesitate to agree.
I spoke to my mum last night, who I think I surprised somewhat. Adoption has been raised once, but that was back in August. How do I handle stress? By keeping stuff to myself for as long as possible so as not to worry others/have to deal with 101 questions... 
My mum has been chosen as she's seen me/us around children more than anyone else. My nieces frequently stay in the school holidays and as it's very often to help my brother out with childcare, it will usually involve picking them up from/dropping them back off at my parents house. She flapped a little, but I did have the element of surprise to contend with!! I've asked her to sleep on it, ask any questions she has etc.
The third needs to be someone who knows OH better than they do me, & ideally (I think), a parent. 
The obvious choice is the wife of OH's colleague who we do see socially & is a mum. OH  can see that she knows us both and reluctantly concluded - without my assistance - that she was likely the better option given she lives locally. I say reluctantly as his concerns are that she knows a lot of people (constantly networking!!!), and does trade gossip... This piece would be quite a coup.  I hold her in higher esteem than OH does, maybe naively. 
His second choice is a friend who I've met maybe 3 times in as many years, he has 2 children who I've met twice. Concerns are he doesn't know me so well, OH hasn't seen a lot of him either (though he pointed out this was partly due to ivf treatments), & that in putting this friend we don't have anyone who lives less than an hour away which I worry will be a concern.

If OH can't come round on the lady who lives locally - I asked him to sleep on it after he'd talked himself out of it - then we'll go with this friend. 

Now if only I could sleep on it (4.11am!!!).


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## Helend75

Having been awake at 4am and mulling things over I spoke to OH yesterday morning & suggested he use his friend as a referee. He's happier doing that, and if later down the line they would like a referee who lives more locally then we 'll cross that bridge as & when. 

My mum is fretting a little, worried that she won't portray 'the right image' - she is very overweight, but acknowledges that she's not proposing to adopt herself, she's just to speak honestly about OH & I. 

Finished off the ROI last night & it was received this morning. The 5 day turn around begins...

In other news, last night I learned a friend is 3 months pregnant to someone she's been seeing for 6 months - and I didn't go into meltdown!! Yay, me!!
I know this is the very start of the adoption journey but having didn't so long anxiously living under the cloud of IVF then it's actually a huge relief to be on a path which looks more promising. We want to be parents & finally we're seeing a route to allow that little family to happen


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## Wyxie

Re references, I think that's sensible.  We had to give three referees each, one family and two not.  Our closest friends live a long way away, as do our families, which concerned us.  In the end of the six referees we used only one lived locally.  We knew this would be questioned, so we brought it up ourselves, and said that while we had people locally who could give us practical help, e.g. neighbours who would help out in an emergency, these were the people we knew best.  We told our SW that if she felt she needed to talk to people who lived locally too then we would give her details, but that these were the people who knew us best and had known us for longest.  For example our next door neighbours are a lovely elderly couple, and if there was an emergency they would willingly help out, but we'd only known them for a couple of years and they'd never seen us with children, so wouldn't be suitable as referees.  

When we did an "ecomap" of our support network we included a lot of local people on that as practical support.

It was questioned again when we went to panel the second time, as we listed people a long way away geographically as giving us practical support.  By this time we had a child and although we could call on our neighbours in an emergency, we could also ask family, and would do this in preference.  I did argue the toss about that a little more the second time round, but that was a lot easier with the confidence and evidence of experience.

In reality though, having family locally can be a big help.  We don't, and it would make things a lot easier for us and the kids if we did, but there's not a lot we can do about that, it's just the way things are.

All the best,

Wyxie


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## Helend75

Thanks Wyxie. I'm actually from quite a small immediate family but a larger extended family. OH's family is basically his parents... 
In our home visit it was noted that I've a big family who though we don't live in one a others pockets, would all happily and at a moments notice, help one another out. Nobody is much more than an hours drive so it's not like it's other ends of the country.

OH was much relieved at the suggestion he approach his friend to be referee, and in the phone call OH filled him in on the IVF treatment. He's not one for sharing, which was a concern during treatment but he said it had been easier to talk about now that chapter is closed. 

Anyway - this morning we've been informed that we have been formally accepted onto stage 1 & have received a huge pack of documents!

I just lied to my mum & said I knew where my birth certificate was. This is an absolute lie as I lost the original which she was upset about and it appears I've lost the subsequent copy. Now to get another copy...

I spoke to a friend last night & explained that for the last couple of years I've been carrying a cloud around with me as a constant, unwelcome companion. At best it's been a bit grey, at worst it's been big and black. I don't have it, it's gone & I feel such a mix of emotions. It's very liberating to have closed that door, and this is a very positive move for OH & I.
I'm sad that our pregnancies didn't work out, and I'm sad when someone announces a pregnancy. I've come to realise though that I dreamed of having a family - not of being pregnant or of giving birth. I'm starting to feel like my old self & I'm much happier for it. 
I totally get that adoption is not a quick fix & nor will it be without it's delays - but I've got some control again. If I need to read every book on that book list then I will. I can do that, reading around a subject actually puts me very much in my comfort zone.
I do hope any seasoned adopters aren't rolling their eyeballs at my naivety, but I feel, I can do this. I can't be at the mercy of clinics & drugs etc any longer, I can take control, get better informed & work on being the best parent I can be as part of the team that is OH & I to one or more damaged little ones.


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## Helend75

Just an update really - not that there's a great deal to report. The letter we received on the 20th said that we had been accepted onto stage 1 from the 18th & a SW would be in touch re: going in with all our many, many forms!! 
OH was away 2 evenings this week & I've an options evening at school this week so Wednesday the 4th March is when we'll meet SW. 
Our referees & parents are the only people we've told to date. When into stage 2 I suppose I'd best start drip feeding ifo through to the rest of the family...


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## ciacox

Hi there - just thought I'd pop in and say hi as I've been reading your diary and it looks like we're at a similar stage. Hope everything goes well for Stage 1. We have recently filled in the millions of forms and have our first meeting with our social worker tomorrow. Prep course at the end of the month. Totally relate to the birth certificate anic - I had no idea where mine was but luckily my mum had it! And interesting to hear people's views on distant referees. Ours are all from far away as we have recently moved cross country. I know the lack of a local support network will come up in our assessment but we're working hard at making friends.


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## Helend75

Hi there Ciacox - I just read through your diary. 
Well, after taking in the DBS form, various others together with our id on Wednesday & meeting with the social worker who will see us through stage 1 - and likely (but not definitely) stage 2, we were presented with the chronology & self assessment forms.
Tracking down all the addresses will be a headache & both of us are having oversees checks, me from my year in France & OH for the year he spent in one of the foreign offices. 
SW seemed nice enough. 

This isn't going to be a well put together post. Yesterday I celebrated my 40th. Unfortunately I celebrated it in the style of an 18 year old. OH has been in bed all weekend - actual flu - and I was led astray (shots, shots & more shots - ugh!!!). I don't like the number, but I do like where I am right now. I've got really good friends, a partner who is my best friend, & I'm starting the adoption journey in a good frame if mind.

Oh, Wednesday, I assumed we had no interest in fostering to adopt, turns out OH is not turned off by the prospect so guess a conversation needs to be had there.

Best get my head down now -  I'm expecting a lesson obs tomorrow!!


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## Helend75

Well, things are steadily going in the right direction here.
I spent Sunday doing our ecomaps - which were well received by SW who said she just wouldn't have been able to do something like that on the computer, so guess all those many hours spent lesson planning in front of a laptop finally paid off!! I was- not so secretly if you listen to OH - rather proud of my efforts myself. Family trees are done - in fact all documentation I could submit today if needed with the exception of the financial document. I've no idea how much I spend on car ins etc...

Only potential delay will be the medicals which we've to wait 4 weeks for an appointment with a nurse! Our medicals will be 13th & 14th April which runs close to the stage 1 deadline of April 18th. 

I'm going to speak to school today about leaving half an hour early one day a week for a few weeks to complete stage 2 interviews. Will have to work out what I'm going to say to others as it's a nosey staff & I don't want my business to be public knowledge...

OH is a little worried that the prep days (details arrived yesterday, but they're 4 days in the Easter holidays & so I've had no reason to speak to anyone other than my line manager (also a friend!) yet. That all changes today... Anyway, OH/prep days. I imagine prep to be a bit of a horror story, which is what I've been warning OH - now hoping there's a balance struck.


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## Helend75

I'm a teacher & before Feb half term informed HR that we were considering adoption but it was v early stages & they wouldn't even speak to me before conducting some very basic background checks  (ie checking I worked where I said I did). 
We're likely to finish stage 1 (informally, medicals are likely to hold us up) over the Easter holiday & I know that I need to leave work at 2.30 (to be home for 3.30) to make it home for my SW meetings, therefore I felt it was fair to say something this side of the holiday than wait until I got back.

I can't tell you how anxious I was; negotiating ivf appointments had me feeling at my lowest, like I had to bare my soul to the least empathetic woman (head teacher) known to man... My meeting couldn't have gone better!! I met with hr who told me all appointments would be treated as ante natal, was given a copy of the adoption policy (which i had read, but not printed out), and when hr said she'd have to inform the Head (new Head as of September) - said she expected he'd be very supportive given he's just adopted a 2 & 4yr old himself! He was apparently out of school one day last week picking up the very final paperwork giving him & his wife full parental responsibility!
SW says I need to put this down on my support network!!


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## Helend75

Day 1 of prep tomorrow!! The stess of worrying what to wear in order to create the right impression!!


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## Helend75

2 days of prep completed. Both were exhausting!!
We got a lot out of day 2, following a bleak day 1. The medical advisor came in and we both found that really interesting & to be honest a bit of an eye opener. It was also nice to have some balance. OH has been googling all kinds of articles since getting home yesterday - he responds well to being spoken to in percentages & risk!!

I've a dreadful feeling that next week I'll be going back to work feeling like I need a holiday!! 2 days at prep, up early this morning to bake (30 strawberry cupcakes, 30 lemon) & a traybake, now getting my hair done, back home to decorate said cakes & then pack for 3 nights at my friends wedding. We'll get home Monday, Tuesday I'll be getting the house social worker ready as she is meeting my friend at our house on Wednesday while we're at day 3 of prep.
I get the impression that this has been put into school holidays to accommodate teachers as I gather there's normally a week between course dates.

Brain is feeling frazzled!!!


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## Helend75

4 day prep course completed!!
We are going to investigate f2a a little more though I've a real fear of the hurt if it falling through. OH & I need to speak about motivation behind it, I get that the baby gets the positive start in life, but will he feel he's missed out by not having been around a newborn?
Conversations to be had there.

We met with our SW at the end if yesterday. Our medicals (finally taking place this week) will inevitably delay things a little, but while I thought that may mean we couldn't pursue things, SW clarified that the pressure would be on her to get us approved in 6 months. Panel dates are 4/08 & 25/08 but we informed her we've a holiday booked for 25/08 and so she's aiming for 4th!! We may go back and say if she needs a month we're happy to delay given it's our holiday.
Everything is pretty straight forward, references have all been returned & are a positive. She's met with one referee, will Skype another this week & meet my mum a week on Monday. There are no former partners to meet, no financial concerns, we don't think the medicals should show anything up. DBS isn't yet back but certificates of good behaviour from our time abroad have been returned.

OH & I have agreed that I need to start telling family - likely at May half term, given only patents know. We'll be little more than 2 months before panel by then - assuming it all goes to plan, and I suppose they do need to be prepared. Eeeek. I'll start with my gran and take it from there. We need to stress that this is personal information though & not gossip!! We're also going to ask that it be kept from an uncle just a little longer given his girlfriend works with OH & he doesn't want everyone knowing.


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## Helend75

First of the stage 2 interviews today - just me! 
We've a copy of the stage 2 agreement but have been asked to delay signing as we can't formally move to stage 2 just yet. The medicals were only completed last week but as GP gave no concerns for either oh or I (we weren't expecting there to be), then we are happy to proceed to stage 2 unofficially. 
In other news we have booked our summer holiday!! It's a biggie but it's also our last major outing together as a couple (we hope). A bit of a jaunt around the Californian coast - I'm ignoring the expense & focussing on it just being us time...


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## Helend75

Ugh. Received another 'I'm pregnant' call last night. I didn't go into meltdown & I know further treatment just is not for me - a bfn or mc would break me for good, but seriously, with the exception of 1 friends who isn't trying, then everyone I know between 36-40 is pregnant - 2 have even complained that it's happened quicker than they thought!!

I just feel excluded from some club that they're all a part of where talk of scans, blood tests etc will be the norm & I have nothing to contribute. When she asked how we were getting on with this process (one of the few people who know about it), I replied but can't help but feel it's way less exciting than having your own & it is just paying me lip service.
I suspect also given that this was the bride from Easter weekend I feel a little distanced as one of the other bridesmaid was literally squeezed into her bridesmaid dresses given she's 6 months in, so the two will have babies 3 months apart. & then though I've wanted it for longer, tried at it that bit harder & am the oldest of the group; I'll just be the observer.

I am ready to move into adoption, I am ready to parent - I'm just not ready for all these first time post 35 pregnancies which I thought were nigh on impossible to achieve!!!

I just needed to get that off my chest.


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## Helend75

I think I hear news and it takes 24-36hrs to have everything settle back into place. 
I'm more worried about maintaining friendships & 'my' friends suddenly having more in common with others & fear being squeezed out. Perspective tells me that I'm over reacting.
I wouldn't like anyone to think I'm raising alarm bells - I've read enough to know that I'm not alone & it's not unusual to feel sadness at someone else's good news. It brings back such a mix of emotions. In the book 'No Matter What' Sally Donovan acknowledges the envy of a newborn (think it was a neighbours grandchild?? That there was a clean slate, a fresh page whereas adoption is picking up a troubled little soul who has not experienced the most positive of starts to life. 

So rest assured, I'm fine I'm committed, I'm just forced to confront my sadness from time to time.


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## ciacox

Hi Helen

just read your post and it resonated so much. It's hard to be in the midst of the adoption thing and then suddenly to be whacked out of the blue with something that brings all the envy, grief etc back. I too feel left out of the club my friends are in and I do have bleak moments when I just want to stamp my foot and demand I'm in it too. But like you I know I'm done foot stamping and am committed to parenting through adoption. 

Also, I think adoption is way more exciting than pregnancy. This sounds totally superficial but I do feel that once we're adoptive parents all our friends will think we're super cool.   And we just have to make our own club which is what makes forums like this so good. 

Hope the process is going well. We're still not in Stage 2 as delays getting our notes from our old GP have delayed our medical forms being sent off. I did see that you had some similar probs and they put you on Stage 2 anyway. Was going to try and push it but we've just moved house and are actually quite enjoying the natural break this provides.

x


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## Helend75

Hi there. Our stage 2 'started' on April 20th, although we only completed the medical on the 14th!! Our sw was very confident that any delay with our medicals would be at the agency side, not ours. She gave us the option to unofficially start stage 2 (the only risk being that if we were turned down on medical grounds then we may be a bit miffed to have shared so much personal info with her). We couldn't think of any reason why we shouldn't start and so we've had one stage 2 interview each. We'll both have individual interviews with her this week then we'll have 4 joint interviews - she's really keen to meet her 6 month deadline which means aiming for a panel date of August 4th!!

My first interview took 2 hours, though it was decidedly difficult talking about your upbringing with my parents in the next room (mum did her referee interview before me). OH, who assured me that he'd have it wrapped up in 90mins as he'd 'nothing to say', took a full 4hrs!!! I apologised to her for his having eaten into her holiday weekend as she left the house at 6.30!!!

We'll be asked to sign the stage 2 agreement once all the paperwork is in. We got our DBS firms back just under 2 weeks ago & I assume our medical firms are sat on the medical advisors desk!! I may ask when we see sw this week when we'll formally move into stage 2.


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## Helend75

Well, OH had an unexpected (& not entirely welcome!!) boost to his childcare experience this weekend. 
I took my nieces, plus 2 cousins in a group of 8 (2 colleagues & a 2yr old) to the theatre to watch singalong frozen. It was everything you'd imagine, tots dressed up as Anna or Elsa & a handful of ((some inappropriate) adults in full regalia too. Youngest niece complained she didn't feel well which I pretty much dismissed as we were sat down in the theatre (& past experience tells me 'my tummy hurts, think I might just be hungry, have you got any sweets?). About 20mins later she turned to speak to me & I could smell on her what was going to happen...
Naturally we weren't at the end of a row & much mess ensued...

After the staff found 4 of us some alternative seats  (& we'd cleaned up as best we could with wet wipes) she decided she might be sick again then just made the decision that she'd rather get back, get a wash & her pyjamas on & sit watching TV under a duvet. So, having already arranged to meet OH (who hadn't fancied watching Frozen - oddly) for lunch & having asked him to bring a change of outfit, I then called asking if he'd come pick her up & look after her until the other little girls could be returned to parents after the lunch out I'd promised! So, 3hrs unexpectedly spent caring for sick child!!!


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## Helend75

Email from sw yesterday afternoon. Medicals have come back & all is well. Only query is re: contraception. 
This isn't wholly unexpected & I know has come up before so if anyone reading can tell me how they dealt with it then that'd be useful!
I have no desire to take any hormonal methods, but totally get why they are asking what is in place(largely abstinence!!!).


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## Helend75

Quick update from me. 
We had our 6th of 8 meetings with SW on Monday - she'd warned me to have a box of tissues to hand as this was the 'journey to adoption/infertility' chat. We got through it just fine though! SW seems to think the fact that last treatment will have been only 12 months before panel then that will likely be picked up on at panel. She did a timeline to help her figure out events and to see where adoption had first featured as a possibility. 
I did see the GP last week & stated I'd come to seek medical advice re contraception & assured him that the irony of my request wasn't lost on me. He didn't think it necessary but didn't want to jeopardise our chances by not doing anything. As such I could with a clear conscience tell the SW that I'd spoken with my GP & received a prescription for the mini pill. 

Also at the weekend we met with the other prospective adopters from our prep course. One couple went to panel last week yet another are still awaiting international checks to come back & SW won't start stage 2 (even informally) until they are back. An interesting get together - I can't imagine any one of them would have entered my social circle if it hadn't have been for the adoption process.


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## Helend75

Well, after school today I'm meeting up with the pregnant best friend. It's been in the planning for several weeks & when the plan was set in stone on Monday I then became really anxious & worried. 
I may - to some degree - be doing my friend an injustice & am certainly suffering with the green eyed monster. I just can't help but think that any interest I'm shown in the adoption process is done with a degree of sympathy, and certainly as a 'second best' option. 
Also I need to lay off the reading I think as it's not helping. I'm reading blogs & ******* comments that do nothing to alleviate my panic of what I'm letting myself in for (when you know that #CPV is child parent violence you can't help to worry what you may be letting yourself in for... Then I read something about family reactions - given we're so close to panel I know I've got to start telling some more family - but managed to frighten myself off!!
I know that pregnancy is a worry - but also believe that if scans are coming back OK & you're looking after yourself, then you can be reasonably confident that baby will be well; that your worries are what colour to do the nursery & picking a name.  Having started this process thinking that I'd been put back in some control of my own destiny (rather than IF treatment when I felt I was at the mercy of the gods!!), I had a sudden wave of no control - I've no due date to work towards, no choosing the name worry, lots of health worries of any child(ren) placed with us. 
I was particularly tired Monday & slept on matters as within an hour I was thinking I'd have to cancel the arrangement. My ability to lose perspective when tired knows no bounds!! I can't say I want to stick a smile on my face & ask all the questions - and this friend has had a mc previously & so i know has suffered some anxiety herself, she also knows my story so will be sensitive I'm sure - but I'll meet tonight, keep it short & would far rather meet now than later in the pregnancy. I can handle meeting children, just not pregnancies.
I imagine some of the anxieties are fuelled now that we're reaching our final meeting before we meet to look at the PAR - it's just 2 months away. That said our LA is suffering from a greater number of approved adopters given they never place children within the authority as it's so small & as such are wholly dependent on other authorities - who prefer to place in-house!! We did say we were led to believe that our LA worked within a consortium together with 2 neighbouring LAs (all 3 were represented at the info evening), but turns out not so much... Approved adopters have recently received a letter from the head of the service about the long waits & I've heard they're not taking on many new adopters unless they are prepared to consider complex needs or older children. 
Otherwise I've got to say our SW has been fab. We both like her & have found her easy to talk to & I'm confident she gets us. Also, looking in these forums I can see that the process is really dragging for some yet our SW hasn't once questioned not getting us to panel in 6 months.

Oh, and lastly I'm feeling really despondent about work. I've little enthusiasm & even less motivation. I feel like I've spent the last 3 years awaiting some form of leave...

It's all a bit moany isn't it?


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## ciacox

Hi Helen - just catching up on your diary. Hope the meeting with your friend went okay. Relating to your anxieties. #CPV? That's inspired me to continue avoiding surfing the web!


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## Helend75

So, I last updated over a week ago when clearly everything was just beginning to get on top of me...
I met my friend - and that went as well as it could have done. We discussed things like leave & how many days we'd like to return to work. I felt that I coped ok even if I had wound myself up about it...
We also met with SW that week - and that's when things peaked for us. SW is assured that we wouldn't consider further treatment but is aware that we are both 'sad' about there being no bio child - I did say I didn't envisage a time where I wouldn't not be sad about the if journey which we'd been on (& from my reading it seems perfectly normal)... Anyway, OH in his one to one said our only real disagreement was marriage; he knows I'd like to, he doesn't think it's important. She raised this at our last joint session before writing our PAR & I said that yes, I'd like to but empathised with OH & it wasn't an issue enough to split us up.
She said we did need to decide on a surname. She also said changing my surname by deed poll was an option (no it's not!!!). When she left we talked & I became very upset. So many emotions & thoughts - that I'll miss out on pregnancy announcements, baby showers & that I would like one nice celebration with family & friends, that I don't want to be a family made up of 2 surnames - all the practical reasons (doctors, flights wtc when you're a parent who doesn't share the same name).
I didn't sleep great. The next night we talked some more & basically OH has a small family, in a nutshell his parents - and his mother hasn't left the house in years (& never in the time we've been together). I then questioned whether things were right, if it wasn't a make or break situation when I put it to him that he was putting his mums happiness above ours & was this setting a precedent - able to upset me but won't risk upsetting mum? The woman drives me mad. Her husband is basically her carer, OH won't get married as it would upset his mum not to be there - grrrrr!!! I'd not realised I felt so strongly that we should get wed, but I was really hurt that his mother was the obstacle. I'd said I'd do it anywhere - registry office, abroad - whatever compromise it took.
Only the day after that when we'd both been left feeling miserable for 2 nights  & not knowing what to say to the other did we try & think how we could address this (there was plenty more said, but it would then become a longer story still!!). I've said it's really important that we have the same family name, and I need to know that it will be addressed, not imminently necessarily, but that it won't be left unresolved. I've asked him to speak with his parents too. SW is away this week but the email is drafted to send on Monday; that we'd like any child(ren) to take OH's surname & that my surname will also change 'in the near but not imminent future - for what I hope will be romantic as well as practical reasons'. 

It was really unpleasant. As a rule we don't fight, and I do empathise, but I'm not prepared to compromise on this - I've whittled down my childhood expectations of a church wedding in the big meringue dress down to the 2 of us, witnesses & an official. I will also point out that this will only give me reason to resent his mother!!

Oh - and I was due a meltdown, too much reading, meeting pregnant friend, anxiety about telling others (still haven't but my mum last night said she could tell my gran if I will find it too emotional - I may take her up on that offer) - and AF was due. I am quite surprised at just how close approval panel is getting, I'd just like for reactions to be like those of my aunt. She behaved how I might have expected had I have told her I was pregnant, which was lovely. I worry that not everyone will, that people will either be nosey or not interested. I'm likely being very unfair to those people & the sooner I say something then the sooner my mind will (*fingers crossed*) be put to rest. I need to bite the bullet & get it done as I just become overwhelmed with emotion every time I think about telling someone. My brother, 1 aunt & my parents know...
Also I'm out of school for 2 days this week attending an adopting siblings course & am fretting about how to explain 2 days personal absence. It's not a dirty secret, but this is private & the IVF became known at work & I hated that. I'd just like my business to remain exactly that for the foreseeable - especially in the current climate when matching post approval can be a waiting game.


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## Helend75

It's been a while!!!
Update is that 2-3 weeks ago we learned that our panel date has had to be rescheduled from August 4th to the 11th - highly unusual & very apologetic but due to unavailability of a panel member it had to be done. This bought our sw an extra week for our PAR. We should be meeting this afternoon to discuss it but she's currently unwell. OH can't meet with her next week as he's taken this week off work. Plan is she drops it through our door Monday, OH signs, we highlight any inaccuracies & I meet with her on Wednesday. 

Last week our LA ran a Related by Adoption one day course which my mum & aunt attended. My mum had read the book but says it opened her eyes a little & my aunt says it gave her a totally new perspective. Her words were that you kind of think that you're going to adopt & just 'get' a family, but she now appreciates the complexities.

Reading back, I see that I didn't update following the siblings course - it was good, we looked at life story work which I found especially interesting. The speaker was very good engaging.
So, panel on the 11th, off on holiday on the 15th & 2 courses to look forward to in September.


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## Wyxie

Glad to hear things are going well.  I think it's really good that your family has done the Related Through Adoption course.  I wish our families had done this before we had the kids, because by the time we had the kids and things were proving difficult, they were already pretty set in their opinions and unlikely to admit they'd been wrong or be receptive to changing how they behaved with Wyxling.  Definitely a situation where being prepared and preventing problems is a huge advantage.

Wyxie xx


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## Helend75

Thanks for your comments Wyxie. I do hope you manage to get in some nice family time over the summer holidays - I know things aren't always easy with you 2. 
Quite how the message will be communicated to wider family re:adoption issues I'm not entirely sure. I can't imagine OH's parents will have that much dealings given his mother is housebound (& a smoker) & they live 3 hours away. My dad is of the opinion kids are kids, but you're right, having had my mum go - when her & my dad will likely be my biggest support can inly be a positive. 

In other news we received the PAR yesterday, which is largely accurate . I meet sw tomorrow to request a small number of amendments then it goes to the panel administrator on Friday, panel in a fortnight. 
I found the PAR overwhelmingly positive & an accurate presentation of the discussions we've had with our sw.


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## ciacox

Just popping on to say good luck for panel next week! How are you feeling about it?


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## Helend75

Thanks for your well wishes Ciacox!
The only real panic has been about what time to go in for! I was itching to email sw all week & ask when our meeting was to take place, but remembered that patience is a virtue! As such, I emailed on Thursday to say we'd yet to receive a letter asking us what time we should be in for. She gave us a time & flagged up that wed or received anything then we received the letter this morning - which is for a little later.

I've not had too much time to worry/get stressed as I've had my nieces for 3 days this week (& almost made a call to reverse the decision on siblings - some of the squabbling drove me nuts; not helped by the elder sibling pushing all my buttons...).

Rather helpfully someone else has posted a question asking what's likely to be asked - sw has told us not to stress, that she doesn't foresee any difficulties/major issues arising so I'm trying to remember that!!


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## Helend75

I'll update in full shortly but for anyone who has been reading this then I'm pleased to report that approval panel was a positive for us this morning


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## Tw1nk82

Congratulations xx


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## Helend75

Thank you!
Now the story...
It probably wasn't a good idea to broach the wills & marriage conversation the night before panel but I had given the solicitor a call on Monday. We both went to bed a bit fraught & hadnt needed that pressure. We woke up, careful of one another. This has happened to us twice in 4yrs, we both hate it & so the timing wasn't great!!
Met sw who suggested questions we might be asked; length of relationship, health of OH's mum - she was really clutching at straws as she felt it was mostly covered in the report. Chair of panel came to get us and there was some fuss about whether we'd come back to the holding room or just wait outside the panel meeting room for their deliberations (the 2 were reasonably far apart) - and she commented that we could likely just wait outside as they wouldn't be long given it was a strong application - this immediately took some of the pressure off.
There were 4-5 questions in panel; how did OH feel that being with my nieces had contributed to his childcare experience, could I explain a little about restorative practice in schools, how would parenting a child be different to caring for nieces/caring for children in school. 
We answered reasonably articulately! Sw wasn't asked to stay which she said was a good sign & also commended us both on our answers. 
Chair came to find us, told us they were to strongly recommend our approval; that we had communicated well with them & with each other, had strong support networks, etc - all very positive stuff.

That left us with sw who spoke to us about next steps; namely the potential length of wait. She said within the consortium there are 280 approved adopters & 31 children. She also mentioned annual reviews!!
Some 3hrs later I received an email and she'd reflected and said we'd left in a somewhat somber mood & she felt responsible for that. I responded that we couldn't fail to see approval as an achievement & wanted to acknowledge the support we'd had from her on the day & the lead up to that day, but yes, we did feel a little underwhelmed.

OH & I chatted last night & while my enotions had been running high on Monday (very little sleep had that night), he said he'd registered how long we've been on the 'want a family' treadmill for & that maybe there was a tiny bit of grief for the biological child we wouldn't be having. I worry how he'll cope with the wait too, as his parting comment before we came up to bed was that he'd want matchinb to happen before he retires! The 'annual review' comment really got to him. Now I know from the forums that there are an unfortunate few who have had a wait of 12 months+,but we have some real positives in our PAR & I'm having someone look at my profile before I return it to sw with a view to helping it stand out.

In more pragmatic news, sw said with the closure of BAAF she wasn't sure how our details could be uploaded to the national register. I'm sure that will have been sorted before ratification thougg


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## ciacox

Congratulations! I've been off the forum for a while and v glad to come back on and see your news. Sounds like you guys are brilliant candidates. I hope you have felt able to celebrate this milestone, even though it means you're now going into the really stressful bit... I'm daunted by the thought of the wait post approval (assuming we are approved!). I guess this is where all the resilience and patience and keeping the faith that has kept us going up to now will be forced into top gear. We're already making plans for next summer (nothing that can't be cancelled of course!) to try and have a focus other than being parents.

Also, I've been trying to make sense of the stats your sw gave you. Obviously there are a lot of adopters waiting but the small number of children is also a reflection of the fact that children are moving through the phase of waiting for a match much quicker than parents, so we can't really make a direct comparison of the numbers. Or am I clutching at straws?!


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## Helend75

Hi there
We're still awaiting the agency decision maker to ratify approval, but waiting on the Cslofornian Coast is making it that bit easier!! 
SW emailed 2 profiles through on Monday, so not quite a week after panel. Neither one was for us. I did then wonder how many profiles people tend to look at. One was EPP, the other, well I twisted my face almost straight away. It did prompt me to do some reading on what makes people choose & it seems a 50/50 split between 'just knowing' & there ring no reason not to pursue. OH & I have agreed that unless we can cite a reason not to pursue then we'll always look to get more info rather than rule out as there's no gut instinct.

Not expecting to hear from SW until she can confirm ratification & besides she's taking Monday as holiday. The EPP profile did shock me into thinking just how quickly things could move if it was a potential match - put it this way the due date has now passed!!

I totally get the planning a holiday. We've an idea of where we may spend a long weekend at half term but will make a booking nearer the time should we be in a position to go away.

The wait is easy in the sun- not so sure I'll be as laid back when I return to work!!


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## ciacox

Hope you're having/had a great holiday! And although neither of the profiles were right for you, it's great that they sent a couple. What's EPP?


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## Helend75

Early permanence placement - thanks for the good wishes


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## Helend75

the update is that for the last fortnight we've had a tentative link on AL, tentative as the family finder liked the look of us but concern was that this was a sibling group of 3 when we're approved for 2. Our sw brought us the children's CPRs Thursday of last week but spoke with the family finder the same day & the message we got was that they had really liked the sound of us but we're investigating 2 other couples with more sibling experience. Fair enough. 
At 1.10 yesterday I got an email to say family finder kept coming back to us, were we still interested having read the CPRs as other links had fallen through.
Took my lunch 10mins later & made 2 'big' calls. First to OH asking if he'd seen the email & also how had his am doctors appointment been? Second to our sw.
OH has been to see the gp at the beginning of the month with a swelling. After a weeks worth of antibiotics he went back & had an ultrasound arranged for Thursday. The ultra sound shows a lump (testicular) with its own blood supply - indicative of a tumour. The gp had already made a hospital referral & the guideline is that he should be seen inside a fortnight - but he spent the afternoon chasing up his private health scheme & hopes to receive a call Monday giving him a consultation asap.
Then called the sw, not having had things sink in & said all the right stuff. She informed me that she was on leave most of next week so I'd hear nothing until the end of the week. She later emailed to say that the family finder had been pleased to learn we were still interested but to balance this against the fact she had an additional 2 PARs to read.

Obviously OH's health is the big issue here, but when I got home, his concern like mine was that if this does prove worst case scenario then this will be a major setback to ever getting our family. We know it would be wrong to get in deep & are hoping that by the end of next week we would know if we do need to disclose anything to our sw. 
I daren't even read through the CPRs again as I know that potentially we have to withdraw. We should of course be talking again about the practicalities and implications of a link, but are reluctant to invest time in doing so - that & We both very obviously have other things on our minds. Talk about messing with your head...!!!


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## ciacox

Wow, Helen, life is coming at you guys from all angles. Will be hoping for good news for you. I guess it's good that your SW is off for the week and you can just concentrate on getting an update on your OH. Totally understand how this is a double worry both in terms of health and whether it will be a setback on your family plans. In your position I'd also be waiting on some definite news before sharing anything with SW. Hope you guys can find something distracting to do over the weekend. Give yourself a break from PARS and from any temptation to spend the weekend trawling google doctor (I say that because that's been my weakness with health scares and has got me very wound up!). Sending hugs to you both. xxx


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## Helend75

Right, well I've spent most of the weekend trying to find the bright side; that maybe a mistake was made, that maybe this will be a non cancerous tumour...
I've googled Macmillan, NHS & Cancer research & there is not even any suggestion that the tumours are ever anything other than cancerous. If it was a cyst it would be drained of fluid, but tumours show very differently & very clearly in the ultra sound so it's likely a definite observation - and the GP had said there was evidence the mass had its own blood supply, so I will assume it is a tumour.
I then plucked up courage to ask my friend, a pharmacist on a teenage cancer ward, if ever there were non cancerous testicular tumours. She said no, but went on to reassure me that it's the most treatable form & will clear up completely in 95% of cases. 
So tonight it's all come crashing in, that all the signs are that OH will receive a cancer diagnosis. Autum 2011 we met, Autumn 2012 learned of his low speed count (adding to known fertility complications of my own), Autum 2013 second treatment & a miscarriage, autumn last year 3rd treatment & 2nd miscarriage. This autumn isn't shaping up to be all that hot either. I know your sw likes you to show resilience but this takes the biscuit, I just feel so down about all of this, every repercussion & the fact OH, highly treatable though it may be (assuming worst fears are confirmed) is going to suffer.
I don't know how quickly a diagnosis can be made, I'm hoping we'll see a specialist no later than Thursday. If it's confirmed & could be confirmed to be early stages then I'm now wracking my brains to think about how we can salvage our current link. Will wait for consultant, speak to immediate support network & ask sw to call in. 
All we need now is ofsted to call tomorrow, really make my week!!!


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## CrazyHorse

Sending best wishes to you and your partner.


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## ciacox

hugs from me too. I feel angry for you both that you are having to face this. It's totally rubbish. Really hope you get an appointment soon and that, if treatment is required, everything progresses quickly. xxx


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## Wyxie

Wishing you both all the best.  Life is so unfair.  Xx


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## Helend75

OH had an appointment with a consultant this evening who confirmed testicular cancer. The conversation about whether we'd planned on any more children was a joy to sit through...
They're moving quickly, he'll have it removed Friday morning followed by CT scan next week & tests to see if it's spread. If it's been caught early enough then Friday's op will be the extent of any treatment, though he will be regularly monitored for years.
If it's spread then there's radiotherapy or chemo to look forward to.

I'll speak to our se on her return to work on Friday.


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## Helend75

I finally seem to have 5mins to think as I'm waiting for OH to come out of theatre.

SW contacted us yesterday with dates to meet the sw of the siblings we were tentatively linked with. I had to pass on the diagnosis from the night before & she has so far been wonderfully supportive. Obviously the children's sw is going to look at other links as our situation is currently unclear. She just advised - as everyone else - that we take one step at a time & as soon as OH's health issue is clear then we should meet & discuss. Before surgery the surgeon informed us that the chest X Ray from Wednesday night had appeared clear & of the 3 bloods tested for tumour markers one is a bit high, one isn't yet back & the other was clear. It will now be 2-3 weeks before we meet an oncologist who that point will have all the bits of the jigsaw & will put forward a treatment plan. Im feeling slightly more reassured re: OH & there's no point worrying about adoption just yet.


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## Helend75

OH back home, right testicle winging its way to our nearest large oncology unit.
The whole thing threw up fertility issues and a few what ifs.
The oncologist (why did we just accept a diagnosis of low sorry count? Why didn't we see an oncologist 3 years ago?) said that the lump was in the dominant testicle - it's not unusual to have a dominant one, the other however was considerably smaller. That much we found out at the consultation on Wednesday but ahead of the op on Friday the urologist said that given the abnormalities in the second testicle, he would want to perform a biopsy to check for the presence of pre cancerous cells.

I found it hard to be asked if we'd finished our family or did we want to opt for sperm retrieval? OH explained we'd decided on adoption & I said we'd been through 3 IVF cycles. I know we're all supposed to have come to terms with no birth children ahead of going into adoption but nothing quite brings it home like the absence of the dominant testicle. 
Although long term prognosis is good, the next few weeks/months will be tough.


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## Helend75

I think the last week has caught up with me & although delighted to have him home (he has a lot more colour & has found the 'removal' easier than I feared - though I appreciate things could change at any given time), I've let everything get on top of me. 
He's the sort who faints at the prospect of a blood test & everything is a song and dance! Getting him to have the few blood tests he needed for IVF was the end of the world for him. I saw in recovery that his blood pressure twice dipped a lot and he ended up staying overnight. Maybe I've done too much reading & have upset myself (typical behaviour I'm afraid...), but I'm worrying about how he'll manage chemo/radiotherapy & more to the point how I'll manage him! I'm no natural Florence Nightingale... There's also the fertility side of it - if adoption does get ruled out, it's not like we could give IVF another go with half the ingredients missing (the dominant testicle has been removed, and the other is v small & now a urologist has seen this I kick myself for not having seen one 3years ago when we first learned of he low sperm count. Urologist even performed a biopsy on the second testicle as he suspects that any abnormality could indicate pre cancerous cells - see previous kicking of self for not having seen a urologist while TTC)
I've suggested we make a call to Macmillan as we've now been passed from Urology to oncology & just feel completely in limbo with no idea of when the next appointment may be. I think actually speaking with someone knowledgeable in this field may help.
I'm down & I'm miserable & I feel selfish for some of my thoughts but I've got to be strong & supportive for OH & yet we've only crossed the first hurdle! I'm also awake at 4.50am and am tired after a stressful & emotionalweek.

I'm not sure where I belong? I'm an approved adopter who can't adopt (currently) whose IF history just took a further nosedive!!!

A big positive: We've had lots of messages from people offering to go get milk, do I need anything, can we help - I'm hoping this will all be supplementary evidence of our support network in action!


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## Helend75

What a week. 
Turns out I'm as rubbish as OH for having too much time on my hands. All week I've been stressed & rushing around driving to/from work for a couple of hours, marking books, planning lessons, setting cover work, running OH to appointments, dashing to the supermarket, preparing the house for guests - then when I have 2mins I think what a perfect sh!t-storm this is!! If this was an easterners storyline you'd say it was too far fetched. 

Any right minded person would say that the two most important things in life are health and family - the health of OH is of grave concern & a future with a family seems like a massive impossibility right now.

We received a card from our sw yesterday to say that she was thinking of us & it was signed from her & the adoption team. Also in yesterday's post was the letter for OH's referral. I'm not sure what he'll learn on Wednesday as the CT scan is only being done then but they'll have a couple of weeks blood results through & hopefuly the report giving the make up of the removed tumour.
I told work I'd do full days from tomorrow but would need Wednesday off. I'd rather bank the time & claim it later as I imagine it'll be needed.


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## Helend75

Quick update, though it's all a bit inconclusive still. Wednesday was a long day (not helped by my adding a 2hr20 round trip out of town to cheer OH up following the miserable hours spent in hospital). 
Started the morning with a CT scan & then bloods. We then met the keyworker who had something resembling good news!!! The biopsy taken of the second testicle (which was done as its signifcantly smaller than the other & the urologist thought it wise to check for pre cancerous cells) - came back clear. The tumour markers which have been showing in the blood had halved between pre & post op. OH asked about the results of the testosterone - she said she'd chase these up. OH suspected this would require attention as the urologist had warned as much, especially having removed the dominant one & being left with this usually small testicle, but also felt his skin was greasier, he was attracting spots (2!), and he wasn't waking up with that particular physical side effect men get!!!
Then we met the consultant. He explained that the tumour markers will be monitored for some time yet until they are back in the normal range, as sometimes they can seemingly go down but then plateau. There are no CT results to confirm, but based on what OH has described in terms of a back pain he said spread to the lymph nodes does sound possible - though I can't help but think if you asked everyone in an office if they'd experienced any back pain at all in the last month 75% would say yes... He also said that once they've settled on a treatment plan for the cancer then at some point they'll need to address the second testicle! He says that they never formed properly in the room. I could cry. He apparently went to a GP in his late teens to say one seemed smaller & was told nothing to worry about, then when we were ttc he had them looked at by current GP. At no point over two clinics did anyone suggest seeing a urologist, it seemed as long as there was sorry they could do something. I could cry about this, I feel we could/should have pursued this 3 years ago. If they weren't formed correctly in the womb then it presumably explains low count & no normal forms seen?  I couldn't shake the feeling that we could do another cycle, get pregnant but miscarry; that somehow there was something fundamentally 'wrong' with the embryos that we formed. So, once the cancers gone this will be addressed again. 
By this point the testosterone results had been located & the consultant said these were normal & there was no need for replacement therapy. OH was a bit disappointed in this as he felt sure things weren't right.
Got home, letter from urologist - please see GP asap as testosterone is low!!


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## Helend75

So Wednesday's visit to clinic went as well as it could have done! 
CT scan came back with no signs that the cancer had spread any & tumour markers are falling by half every week. Bloods will need to be checked for the next 5ish weeks to check that they return to normal. Should at some point they plateau then OH will require a 9 week course of chemo. 
The tumour marker we're looking at started at just under 1600 pre-op and normal is 7. Last tested they were at 117. 

He does require testosterone replacement and the nurse had misled us a bit last week by informing us that the other testicle had been clear. The biopsy was taken to check for precancerous cells & she informed us it had come back clear. This week the Dr clarified that it had been clear of cancer but there are precancerous cells there, and so options are removal or radiotherapy.

Tonight we're spending the evening ins v plush hotel! We wouldn't normally splash out, but it's half term, we deserve a treat & we've earned a rest.

Emotionally, I'm eaten up with jealousy & injustice as a cousin & his wife had a baby yesterday. A baby they can ill afford given he's not worked in at least 5yrs & jealous as she's just 5 days younger than me. Then next week my best friend is due her first (all that rubbish about not trying over the age of 35 as it won't happen is proving to rubbish according to everyone I know). This was always going to be a difficult couple of weeks for me but I hadn't accounted for cancer & a hiccup in the adoption path coming along just to really mess with my head! 
Also sw comes on Friday. When we speak with the consultant again Wednesday we'll ask if, when we reach the end, he can put together a suitability to adopt/fitness statement for us.


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## Helend75

Another update!
OH's tumour markers were down again yesterday & should have returned to normal in 4 weeks. 
This morning we had our sw round to the house, who said everything she realistically could to reassure us. The oncology unit have already said they'll prepare a risk certificate, so I guess for various reasons, patients must request a statement in respect of their outlook/prognosis. 
Once sw have liaised with the oncologist & their medical adviser has looked through the info then our PAR will be updated. The risk is that children's sw are put off by the cancer - but we expected that & so at least she was honest with us. She also offered us an opportunity to meet with the medical adviser to be able to give the human side rather than just the b&w!
Lastly, and somewhat unexpectedly, our sw has remained in contact with the sw of a sibling group who we were poised to meet with prior to the diagnosis. When she last heard, there was still no link. She planned to get in touch today & update on OH's health & will enquire as to whether a family has been found or whether potentially we could yet be in with a chance.

We're actually feeing very reassured - we had feared a blanket '12 months post treatment' approach!


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## Sq9

xx


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## Norma12

Glad the news is positive   Xx


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## Primmer

Helen - it's great that your sw is being so supportive and positive. Keeping fingers crossed for continued good news for DH's health and the adoption process x


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## Helend75

Firstly, the health warning; my brain is frazzled from worry, thinking & over thinking. 

OH will require the second testicle to be removed. Now, his sperm count when he had 2 never got above 200k & it appears that a number of men found to have testicular cancer will have suffered from sub fertility for maybe 2years prior to diagnosis. I wouldn't have wished for the diagnosis but it did help reaffirm that together we just couldn't make healthy embryos; there was never a viable pregnancy & never any embryos to freeze. Now that the dominant of  the two testicles has gone OH is on testosterone replacement - this isn't a given for anyone reading & assuming it might be; usually what will happen is that the remaining testicle picks up the slack & works harder to compensate for the missing one. The urologist stated that the second testicle was of such a small size as to suggest an abnormality & that it ought to be tested for pre cancerous cells.
The urologist's suspicions were not unfounded, there was evidence of pre cancer - hence the need, though not urgent, to remove it. Now that he's faced with a testicle-free future OH is talking about wanting to do a sperm retrieval!!!!! This has completely thrown me. I've spent 12 months reconciling myself with not having a biological child, gearing myself up to adopt - only for IVF to be put back on the table.

I'll try to explain - please keep in mind it's 5.25am, I've been awake at least an hour and an half and am thoroughly fed up.
My gut tells me that if we couldn't make healthy embryos while taking the supplements for months before treatment & whilst in possession of 2 testicles, we're not going to change that with anything retrieved - IF anything can be retrieved - from an under developed, poorly functioning pre-cancerous testicle. 
I was also alarmed that there just seemed to be an assumption that I'd consider ivf again.
I worry what the impact will be on adoption plans; does it show a lack of commitment?

I revealed my worries last night. I knew for OH it was an 'insurance policy' - that should it be that the mention of cancer on our PAR was too much of a negative, we would have other options; that there's  no way of getting the sperm back post-op. 
My brain however likes to play the what if game, so while his is stuck at if adoption doesn't work then we could consider doing something with my sperm, mine has jumped forward to would I really want to spend the months you invest in ivf to either get pregnant & miscarry or to discover that actually, my age is now the big problem so do we 'waste' his sperm on my eggs, alternatively my eggs could 'just' be OK, so do I go through all the injections to have the eggs used with failing sperm? My gut tells me that the sperm isn't healthy, never has been, hence no normal forms found - but I can't say this. It's mean & it's not like I can't understand his panic.

A referral has now been made to see a fertility specialist to discuss retrieval. I'm dreading it. I've left all that behind & am being dragged back. Oddly, he has said he doesn't actively want to do IVF, just doesn't want to be without any options should we now become untouchable in terms of adoption. He has said upon successful adoption he'd be happy to dispose of any frozen sperm.

He's reluctant to discuss this with sw but I've said I can only support him exploring sperm retrieval IF we are honest with sw. I fear once he is cancer free & sw gets the info from the gp & oncologist, that it will be revealed that he has undergone or explored sperm retrieval, and that would undermine everything. He would rather 'fess up if asked the direct question - but I feel that's underhand and deceitful.
I also feel cheated that this procedure wasn't just carried out prior to removal of first testicle. When I spoke to our fertility clinic last week (trying to chase a baseline testosterone test), the nurse I spoke to couldn't believe that the retrieval op hadn't already been performed, afterwards you can change your mind & opt not to keep it but if it's not retrieved at all your options are nil.

I feel I've got to support OH, he has cancer & his future feels very uncertain. I feel that we're jeopardising adoption but understand that the cancer now compromises us as a couple in a competitive match (& in the current climate, there's competition for every child). 

In terms of the cancer, tumor markers are still falling as they should, now at 54 from last weeks 117 - and way off the pre op numbers that reached almost 1600! In 3 weeks they *should* be in a position to say that he's cancer free, but given our extraordinarily s**tty luck there's always a chance the bloods don't continue to move down which would result in 9 weeks of chemo.
And a family member just 5 days younger than me & my best friend had babies last week. And another family member is due in the next 10 days. I feel I've been stuck trying for a family for years - and not just stuck, but stuck in a situation that just gets progressively worse & worse. The two things anyone would say they value the most; their health and their family are the two which are most threatened. I'm sick of living my life like some exaggerated Eastenders script!!


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## ciacox

Arg, Helen. Just wanted to send a hug. First, my sympathies re the pain that other people's pregnancy announcements and births inevitably bring, especially at such a difficult time on your path. I'm glad that your OH's recovery seems to be on track. Keeping my fingers crossed that those markers keep going down. Sorry to hear that he has to have another op, though. Re the sperm retrieval, I might be wrong but I wouldn't anticipate this being a big issue for your SW. As you said, it's a fairly standard thing to do in these circumstances and why should you refuse it because you are adopting? I don't think your SW will be surprised to hear that you have discussed what your options would be if for any reason you can't adopt. You're not saying that you've changed your commitment to adoption, just that you're worried it might not happen and so you don't want to close any doors. How about just presenting it to her as a fairly standard thing you have taken advice on and decided to do? You could say you wanted to tell her to be transparent and to make sure she understands it is no indicator that you have wavered on your commitment to adoption.

And it doesn't mean that you would do IVF if the adoption door was closed, just that you would be in the position to have that conversation when things had calmed down. By the way, I really don't think the adoption door is closed or will. People adopt with all kinds of issues that might concern social workers looking to place children, including mental health problems, debt, etc. I think they see past that when they see the other qualities people have. And don't forget you are considering sibling groups. That's a big plus. You will get there. x


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## Helend75

I've not posted in a long time!
Right, well OH got the all clear about 5 weeks ago and is now on monthly check ups for the next year & the first of those is tomorrow.
Following the all clear he had a soerm sample analysed & there was nothing in it, so quickly arranged to say goodbye to testicle 2. The fertility consultant 'forgot' to get our permission to contact GP so that shouldn't come up in the updated medical. 
Medical firms are now in the relevant hands but it's Christmas and the admin team at LA adoption are sadly depleted and our SW admitted nobody knew quite what to do, also sw is now off until after Christmas. Everything hinges on LA medical advisor, and sw has gone from being 'it's just a formality' to 'don't count your chickens'. Really hoping that we have an answer for end of Jan which I think is a realistic timeframe given OH handed forms to GP on 17/12. So, watch this space - but would love to be family finding soon into the NY.


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## Maisy1978

Helen, was just reading your journey and didn't want to read and run, but did want to say congratulations on your husband's news. Infertility is such a rollercoaster, adoption also, but adding a cancer diagnosis and treatment in there too is just awful. You have both coped so well. Wishing you more good news from the LA medical advisor - and very soon


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## ciacox

Hi Helen - just popped in to catch up and so glad to hear everything is progressing well re your DH. I have everything crossed that you will be back n track with family finding soon xx


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## Helend75

Finally! After an enforced 4 months out of the process our sw confirmed today that the medical adviser has received all the medical notes she needed & is happy for us to proceed.

We were due a change of luck 😊


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

That's fantastic news Helen so happy for you. 
So what happens now do they start looking for your lo now as your already approved? Xx


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## ciacox

Brilliant news Helen! You must both be so relieved. Hope you start hearing about LOS soon xx


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## Sq9

Fantastic news   xxx


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## Helend75

Thank you for your support 😊
OH did see the consultant on Wednesday who said he'd returned the papers and had said that the condition should be no barrier to adoption. The sw confirmed this on Friday but said she won't have their medical advisers letter until next week, but we were free to enquire on linkmaker. 
Just a little apprehensive as during the same appointment OH was told that a small spot has shown up on his lung between the first CT back in October and the one in January. He was hoping to be signed over to community surveillance meaning blood tests, chest Ray's etc at a local hospital, but this development means they want to monitor him at the regional cancer centre at least until April. There's an 8 in 10 chance it will be nothing - maybe a chest infection, maybe the result of anaesthetic but until it's ruled out I think we're a little wary of making any links. We had been at the point of arranging to meet a sw when the diagnosis came & we really don't want to find ourselves having to back out of a further link.


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## ciacox

HHelen - just popping in to see how things are going. Very much hoping things are okay with your DH.


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## Helend75

Thanks for the concern. He's a bit down, he used to play football twice a week and in the last 3-4 weeks has got back into having a game a week. 4 months of inactivity have however taken their toll (& it appears that replacing his lunchtime Kitkat with an Apple has yet to have the desired effect!!). The lung thing is just hanging get over him/us as the CT scan won't be repeated before April. 
He's also in an uncertain position at work insofar as there was talk of disbanding his dept 3-4 weeks ago, & a further announcement this week. Rather than apply for a job at the company which was ear marked for him, he would rather take voluntary redundancy. I can understand that going into a job where you're on call 24/7 & your immediate line manager is a tyrant is a stress his health & wellbeing could do without right now.

I under and things are moving nicely forward for you - good luck! I'm still popping by but have little updates to make & am maybe in self preservation mode a little until after the next CT scan.


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## Helend75

Quick update. All quiet on adoption front. Our SW contacted us about one lo about 3 weeks ago, not one we thought was a good match, and earlier this week we received an email apologising for lack of contact but she's busy & has had some personal issues to contend with. I think we know better than anyone that real life can get in the way sometimes, and besides, we've not been through a team of sws like it appears some experience.
OH's job future looks more settled than it did; not set in stone yet but close enough not to worry.

All plodding on aside from my meltdown the other night!! I'm not having an easy time at work at present, one group I'm tearing my hair about in particular, it also struck me that it's 3 years since we started ivf cycle 1 - throw in Mother's Day today & birthday tomorrow (which is slipping under the radar as friends are either seeing mothers or are mothers). So I was having this rather maudlin moment when my friend sent a text inviting me to her daughters christening - my non church going friend who wed Easter Sunday last year & will have her baby christened Easter Sunday this year. Straw that broke the camels back I'm afraid - though fortunately we go on holiday on Good Friday so I have a good excuse. 3 years of 3 ivf cycles, 2 miscarriages, adoption approval & testicular cancer, I think my meltdown was long overdue!!


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## crazyspaniel




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## ciacox

Think you have a full licence for meltdowns! Thinking of you x


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## Helend75

Pity party ahead! Generally I'm just venting, I am in a good relationship (just not one that gets a ring on my finger). I also am confident in what our plan is, just had one of those trigger moments which send you spiralling.

Ugh. I've spent most of the night sobbing. I suspect I should see a Dr re:depression/stress, but worry about the impact on our already fraught with difficulty adoption journey.
My 'in a relationship, but unlikely to marry' friend called last night to say she got engaged in NYC on Saturday. Anyone who has read my diary will know that last June/July time OH & I had words about marriage, words which 8 months on have amounted to nothing. I'm so utterly fed up of seeing everyone else get their happy endings, or at least be at a point where they are hopeful of a happy ending. 
OH & I are happy together, but is it selfish to want a ring on it?! The mother who he doesn't want to upset by getting married without her there (Note, she has fibromyalgia but doesn't leave the house, so let's throw in agoraphobia & some degree of mental illness in there too), is the same woman who didnt pay him a visit when he found out he had cancer. I've little sympathy for the woman and think her selfish and it irritates me beyond words that OH & his father pander to her! She never sees a doctor, she doesn't want to feel any better, she can't do given she doesn't seek help. In the 4 1/2yrs we've been together I've known her to get in the family car once to go to an appointment. Her husband speaks with the GP on the phone, she is totally dependent. 
She does not even go as far as the end of her own drive.

So, anyway, another friend dizzy with excitement means inevitably I look to my lot, and mourn what I won't have. I feel so alienated from the group of girls who were my closets friends, all with babies under 1 year old or planning weddings while everyday is like Groundhog Day for me - only with added set backs!!

I accept I won't give birth to a child, I'm not prepared to accept I won't wed. 
We didn't really speak last night following the phone call though OH knows I was upset. It was obviously safer for him to say nothing rather than acknowledge why I may be miffed! This morning I've said we need to talk, that the marriage issue will go away for another few months but that it will be back & it cannot just keep getting swept under the carpet until the next time. He knows it's important to me - especially given we intend to adopt - that we identify under one family name. I thought this had been made clear last year - though appreciate that just 2 months later we were faced with a cancer diagnosis, so priorities changed. So, I look forward to going round in circles in a conversation after work & another unsettled night.

I'm also going to address our sex life - or lack of. Many of you will know the impact that IF has on your sex life, especially when complicated by IVF & subsequent miscarriages. We had just about got on top of things when sex stopped due to a sore testicle. Since then he's lost both, and had 2 rounds of surgery in the process & is on testosterone replacement. We've not had sex since last summer. It's been acknowledged twice; in January when he was seeing the GP re hormone levels he said he'd rather get to the point of dry humping the sofa (!), and secondly at my March meltdown when he conceded that he had to regain his confidence in that respect. I'm going to raise it again tonight. I think the stress he's under and the physical changes that have taken place are all playing a part as he's very body conscious (refers to the remaining, empty sack as being a horrible loose bit of skin). I need him to tell me why we're not having sex; he did say he suspected stress a while ago, but I need to tell him that I don't feel desired or wanted; that I want to be more than good companions! We're probably both dealing with stress/depression - it's hanging over him that his last CT scan wasn't entirely clear but there's then a 3 month gap before the next one (coming up next week). 

There's a photo of us in the room I'm in now, taken after we'd been together just short of 2 months. I barely recognise myself, us. New year 2011/12, at it every night we spent together, getting drunk, getting a taxi home, everything to look forward to. It seems such a ridiculously short period of time for so much to have happened in. OH gave up drinking for treatment & now doesn't drink so taxis home and drunken sex have been a thing of the past for some time now. Treatments, positive pregnancy tests, gut wrenching scans, adoption process, cancer. The much strived for happy ending just gets further away & the longer it goes on the fewer friends I feel I have to turn to for support.


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## Thepinklady

Hugs, I have sent you a PM.


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## Helend75

One day I will learn that my 3am, sobbing thoughts are not my rational ones.

To complicate matters just a little further, OH came home to say that a job he'd applied for (internal), he'd heard today he wouldn't be interviewed for. At the beginning of Feb his dept was told it was to be dissolved but there'd be other opportunities. This leaves one other job. Personally, I think the company is well out of order allowing the situation to drag on as it has been doing, and obviously this has created additional stress. Before we had our week away OH reported feeling unwell at a bloods monitoring appointment and so they performed an ECG & a chest X Ray, both clear. The stress he (understandably!) puts himself under is ridiculous, but I suppose the nature of cancer is that you always think the worst...
Didn't dwell on the marriage issue, wasn't the day for it (kicking someone while they're down X& all that). He discussed adoption, he gets anxious by the profiles online that they have a max age of 45 (he's 45 in November). I did say I think it referred to the youngest of an adopting couple - and added that if he suggested I wasn't far behind he'd regret it 😝

I spoke about him being unhappy but not talking to me and he said he is struggling with the rejection - on LinkedIn & with prospective enquiries he's made re jobs (obv he looked elsewhere when he heard there was to be a restructure). He described himself as portly & having no testicles, just a baggy bit of skin - I said we need to be intimate again; not just sex, but intimate as I need to feel wanted. He acknowledged this.

My problem is I just go totally off on one when I get a 'trigger' - in my case, somebody else reaching a happy ever after moment ahead of me. Lack of sleep & crying doesn't leave me in a good place and my head is bursting with conflicting thoughts & emotions. 

Tomorrow, after a good sleep, will be a new and a better day.


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## Sq9

xxxx


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## Helend75

I broached the dejected thing yesterday at some length. I'd  not even factored in work rejection nor had I thought about adoption  (some profiles say an upper limit of 45yrs - which OH will be in November, but I pointed out it does refer to the youngest parent, and if he even thought about implying I wasn't far off he'd regret such an action!!) - but am aware that he's conscious of being out of shape, and then there's the whole, empty sack of skin where previously there were testicles thing going on too. I have been wholly understanding & patient, I hasten to add, and understand that his confidence has been massively knocked, but pointed out that we did need to make some headway with getting reacquainted. Then the next CT scan next week - it's a lot of stress to be under without then adding to it by being hard on yourself (or my whining that I want a ring on it). It would be nice if just something could go his way so he can start to feel a bit better about himself.


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## ciacox

Helen - sending massive hugs to you both. From everything I'm reading you sound like you have a very strong relationship. You've been through so much together and are still communicating really well. And it sounds like you've had some productive conversations the last couple of days. You both desperately need a lucky break and you're owed one! Keeping everything crossed that betters times are not far away. In the meantime, hang onto each other, and treat yourselves to whatever gives short term comfort. I feel for you that you feel you can't seek counselling/anti depressants bcse it might look bad re adoption. I think I might feel the same. So unfair.  Don't know if this would be up your street but you could look into weekend workshop type things. I remember looking into ones fir women coming to tetms with infertility and i imagine there are various things along those lines. In fact, i just put womens wellbeing weekend workshop into google and quite a few csme up. Some proper hippy ones in there - love it. That way, if you do something like that your SW cant say you need to put things on hold til its finished.  Any you csn present it as new agey/recreational as opposed to something that ticks their mental illness box. Thinking of you xxxx


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## Helend75

In brief:
OH today learned that there is a job for him (hurrah!)
SW contacted us on Tuesday after a very disheartening meeting on Friday of last week in which she spoke largely of our annual review (despite it being only April!!). On Tuesday she was informing us of a possible match!! Moving very quickly with csw & Ff coming to visit on Monday. 
A weekend of cleaning the house - woohoo!!

19 month old little boy. Was a bit unsure at first, not least due to the speed of things, but very much warming to the idea - though it's a competitive match, so trying to keep emotions in check also...


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## Sq9

Have everything that crosses crossed for you. It's funny - we wait for what seems like forever with nothing happening and then when things do happen they can be very quick. We met lo's sw and fc within a week of finding out about her and if our sw had had her way, we would have been at matching panel 3 weeks after that. Good luck xx


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## Helend75

Thank you - though our sw told us she's on holiday for 3 weeks (!!) in May, so panel would have to be after that if we're successful - not that she'll reveal this to Csw in advance.
Well, the house has been tidied & cleaned to within an inch!!! I baked, though my cakes didn't rise & I cheated for the first time ever & bought some Betty Crocker icing rather than have to deal with the icing powder explosion that occurs every time I make it up.
What an odd week it's been; from knowing nothing about this little boy I'm now going to put everything in to selling ourselves as his potential forever family!
Must now try to get back to sleep (& stop stressing over the whereabouts of my necklace with a heart pendant & have I left a pack of cleaning wipes on a bookcase or did they get moved).


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## ciacox

Thinking of you today Helen. Hope you managed a bit more sleep. Sounds like you are super prepared. I love the touch with the baking. When we had our visit, I displayed my sewing machine on the bookcase to make it look as if I actually use it!! xxx


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## Helend75

Thanks. As my cakes didn't rise & I was finally informed Csw & FF would be around for about 2.30, with our sw at 2, I made another batch when I got home which rose beautifully (& again cheated with the ready made icing!). 
Got a bit of a surprise however when csw & Ff arrived at 1.30 - an hour ahead of schedule!!! Fortunately, they said they'd go for half an hour as it wasn't fair to proceed without our SW.

We all felt it went well, but it's a competitive link so who knows? We'll hear late tomorrow afternoon...


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Got everything crossed for you. Really hope this is your time honey xxx


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## Tw1nk82

Fingers crossed for you today. I hope you hear soon xxx


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## Helend75

OMG!!! We got a yes!!!
They've made light of the cancer, no more of a risk that anyone else 
OH will be happier once next Wednesday has been & gone and the CT results are known, understandably, so we won't rush into anything just yet. Panel is June 14th.

The only rain on our parade is that the adopters from my prep group, one has posted a message in our closed group, well, a rant about how they've not been picked, and it's clear they were the couple we were up against. I forgot for a moment that our moment of happiness came at the expense of someone else's disappointment.

Something ejse, that I've not even told OH, blue was born on the day I left hospital following my last miscarriage. I felt it was fate.


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## Norma12

Wow, congrats xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Have been following your journey and needed to jump in and say a massive congratulations!! You very much deserve this happiness! And I agree, fate plays a massive part in finding our forever babies. It was meant to be


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## ciacox

Congratulations!!!! What fantastic news. So so delighted for you. Our LOs are a similar age and it's just the best. Funnily enough Cub was born on a v significant day for us too. And if we'd been successful on our last ICSI the due date would have been the same as his.

Really sorry you had to read the rant today. I think competitive matching is unnecessary in light of the extremely thorough info on prospective adopters SWs have available. Don't let it spoil your moment. They will have theirs. And of course you will feel sick re scan results, but from what you've said things look v positive there.

Sending loads of love and congratulations. This has made my day!


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## Tw1nk82

Congratulations i have been checking all day for your update xx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

That's fantastic news honey so happy for you.

Really don't worry about the other couple there time will
Come you where chosen because you are the best match for him. 

Sounds very much like its fate honey. 

Eeaakk exciting times panel is 8 weeks away wow you could be finishing work soon eeaakk xxx


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## Sq9

Congratulations 🎉🎉🎉 xxx


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## Thepinklady

Congratulations, that is great news!


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## Helend75

An update.
So following the 'yes' we very quickly had dates for the diary; life appreciation day 10th May, medical advisor 24th May, Panel 14th June, intros from June 20th, take home (!!!) 27th. First review 20th July.
OH had his CT results on Wednesday & all was well 😊
We now have entered into the buying of everything!! Cotbed & mattress ordered today, baby monitor & light shade bought today, IKEA trip for wardrobe, mini table & chairs, toy storage & clothes hangers, back tomorrow for an adult chair & a chest of drawers. M&S sale provided some clothes & we bought bits yesterday (coat hook, rug, toy box for the living room...). It can't fall through at this stage surely?! 
Actually, given the PAR & the messing about the lo has had to date I can't forsee any obstacles.

As matching is June 14th and intros start the 20th, I've told work that I expect 13th to be my last working day meaning just one week (& a Monday) to work after half term.

Went up to my parents yesterday and informed wider family. Everyone has been so congratulatory it's been just lovely. I don't feel broken & bitter anymore, just totally in love with the idea of my new family.

Anyone who has been reading this will know that OH & I have had the most awful time of ups & downs (mainly downs!!), I am so pleased to now be in a happy place and totally at peace with the world...


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## Sq9

💕💕💕 enjoy every second xxx


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## ciacox




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## Norma12

I'm so pleased for you both, such a positive update xxxx


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## Helend75

We have life appreciation day today 😊
We've a huge list of questions & will take 2 large folded up storage bags. I read a blog from a foster carer once that stayed with me with tips for intros. One was that it's pretty heartbreaking to have all los belongings stuffed into bin bags & could adopters think about suitable luggage? It was home bargains bizarrely enough who had those large zipped bags made from recycled bottles - one with a space design one with robots and at £1.99 each we just bought them. The other is to speak to Dec about giving them a memory stick so that rather tha having the few photos that have been printed you can ask for lots more - will ask about that...

We should receive our provisional plan for intros too, and arching panel will be 5 weeks today.
His bedroom is coming on - painted & furnished. Just waiting for an idea of where to place the furniture and then we'll look at where to place the wall stickers. Oh, and curtain rail & 
curtains. There's still stuff to do elsewhere & the buggy & car seat to sort but OH is very pleased with himself with his bedroom efforts.

I'm hoping today will be a real positive - and that our sw remembered to ask if we could see some film of the lo given we didn't get the opportunity at the sw visit.


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## Helend75

How lovely is life appreciation day?!? What a positive day it was for all. FF gave us a hug & a kiss on our way out then emailed the following day to apologise saying she gets carried away with happiness at these events!
Everyone spoke so highly of our little munchkin, and our sw said she'd never seen such a well documented life story. Current fc has only had him 6 months & brought 2 large (full!) photo albums! She also brought a folder with a brief resume of what had happened each month he has been with her, so pictures of first steps in January, first shoes in February, pictures with his Easter eggs in March & his first hair cut in April. The photo albums are full of copious notes and foster 'dad' said we're not to mind him in intros week as he'll be taking lots of photos. Was massively pleased to learn that he only drinks milk or water & basically he's kept on a tight lead!!!
Described as a 'proper boy' he likes to climb, build mud pies & engage in messy play... No mention of quietly doing jigsaws and reading books 😂😂

I'm sure in some respects the next month will just fly by, but right now my heart is bursting to meet the little fella


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## Helend75

Ah, the all male couple who we got on well with at prep announced they're taking in a little boy at the end of this month - so play dates ahoy as there are only 2 months difference between the 2 los. Messaged them privately as we've not gone public yet.
OH put the bedroom wall stickers up yesterday & they are just gorgeous, really pleased with them. Tuesday I'm collecting curtains & chair cushions for the room so it's all coming together nicely.


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## Helend75

And thanks to half term I'm now into single numbers on the number of working days I have left! 
Met medical advisor yesterday who we'll meet again at panel. She was really nice and as should be the case; she had no surprises awaiting us. His only current complaint is a bit of eczema that's managed by the GP. Physically & developmentally all is well we just have to acknowledge that that might not always be the case - but isn't that the same for everyone?! 
We were supported by lo's ff as our own sw is on holiday. Before the appt we met in the hosputal cafe to discuss lo's name. We'd like to tweak it as it is unusual. She & her manager support our request, csw & his manager don't! We'll be changing it anyhow, but it would be nice to have everyone on board, so we discussed a doc that will be seen by panel & just edited that.

So panel in 3 weeks, in 4 we'll be on day 3 of intros...


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## Helend75

Eeek - panel a week tomorrow!!
We're having the h&s check on the house on Wednesday & so with most things done, we're hoping to get away for a night or two at the weekend. Much needed for OH who is fed up of fitting stair gates (esp when people at work tell him their kids had them figured out in no time!!).

In a ******** update from the group I was at prep with, the lady with whom we were competitively matched for our lo posted last night to say she has panel today! 17 month lb, and the only remaining couple then said they had panel on July 20th for a 13 month lg. so I 'fessed up & said we have panel next week. I just find it odd that someone who was matched at the same time as us has had their lb for nearly a fortnight already & this lady who was clearly linked after us goes to panel tomorrow - I had thought 8 weeks was an incredibly short time from link to panel, but turns out not to be the case! I dread to think how much more manic things could have been with a couple of weekends fewer to get things done. Oh, she did say she's spent the afternoon playing with the lo - we've been told without the ADM approval the week we go to panel then it will be 'illegal' for intros to start - so not even set eyes on our little munchkin yet.
So, panel next Tuesday, intros in a fortnight.


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## ciacox

Not long now Helen! Sitting here watching our little guy dropping off to sleep and thinking of your little one soon to meet his mum and dad. Xxx


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## Helend75

Matching panel done successfully. Roll on Monday - eeek


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay fab news Helen not long now eeaakk xxx


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## ciacox

Will be thinking of you tomorrow! Looking forward to reading updates when you have a chance xxx


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## Helend75

We were so pleased with day 1 intros! We were scheduled to be at fc from 10-11-30 though they'd said as we then had the planning meeting to attend at 12.30 that we could follow them to it.
We arrived and fd had his camera poised which was really good of him. Lo came through to the hall, looked at us - clearly we were familiar, yet not & then went through to the living room. We sat on the sofa, expecting maybe to have to watch him play for a while before his confidence grew then he came to stand in front of me with his arms reaching upwards & the words 'it's mummy'. I scooped the little fella up and sat him sideways on my knee so he was facing oh & held back the tears! He got down but returned a further twice wanting me to pick him up. This would be preceded by just looking at me intently, trying presumably to work out why the couple off his photos were now sat in the living room. Both FCs expressed some surprise as they'd envisaged he'd approach OH before me. We watched him play then OH got involved with the play - I sat back and just watched - chuffed to bits.
There was another lo there just 30months but so much more anxious & obviously confused. I really felt for the lo. *Must not buy another car seat*

Our lo sat on daddy's knee where I discreetly got a pic on my phone (new wallpaper), & FCs had retreated to the kitchen to sort everyone's lunch (ours included). I asked OH (with a smile on my face!), if he wanted to keep him! We then had lunch, a change of the bum & all left the house together though FCs daughter took eldest lb to nursery while our lo toddled off with her. Lo was asked if he was going to say goodbye to mummy & daddy so came and gave us both a hug & left with the words 'bye daddy'.
It was such a surprise that he was so quick to engage with us. The FCs said they felt that the video (of us reading him a story) had been the most useful thing & it's the first time anyone has done it for a child in their care.
Lo revelled in being the centre of attention yesterday - we were warned he was quite the showman! I don't know when the novelty of us will wear off but it was just such a better day than we might dared have hoped for.


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## Norma12

Amazing to read, so happy for you, I shed some tears of joy when I read it xxxx 
Have fun on day 2 xxx


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## ciacox

Wow! What a lovely beginning. Hope today goes well x


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## Helend75

In just a few hours we'll be picking up the boy from FC for the last time. He is absolutely delightful! Here's how our week went:
Day 2: he happily came to OH & I upon entering the house. We played then took him for a walk with fm pointing us in the right direction but as she walked away he was OK. Got in his buggy (not happily, but fine once fastened in) when we reached the main road. He'd stank since before leaving the house & FC had simply told us where we'd find a public changing room! Did that & headed back for lunch. 
When we arrived the little boy (30 months) also in care had been asking why his mummy & daddy couldn't visit him at the house. He was finding intros a little unsettling.
Day 3: arrived after lunch, played with the boy before taking him to a messy play session at his local sure start. He was a bit grumpy - intros mess with routine & he'd not napped after lunch as he normally would. Eventually one other child arrived to messy play; an older girl who was quick to state that she didn't like boys! Little one was in his buggy for the walk back and having missed out on his nap struggled to get to sleep as he had hiccups! He did fall asleep within 2mins of the house so OH walked him around the block to keep him asleep for another 10-15mins in the hope that it might knock the edge off the grumpiness. I thought it would be useful to have some chat with FC minus little one. Went in & I think she was out, her 20yr old daughter was sat on one sofa with lb sat at the end of the sofa I would normally sit on, flicking through the Dear Zoo book. I asked if he'd like me to read it to him & this was followed by a further 3 books as he would return and replace each story. I thought nothing of this - I wouldn't have dreamt of ignoring the child. Tea time came, I cut up our lo's food & could hear the other lb refusing FC saying he wanted lo's mummy to do it for him. How awkward, you wait all this time for one child to call you mummy & then there's a second chomping at the bit. He was taken from the table and the rest of the conversation was that he wanted lo's mummy too. I could have wept. After tea I stayed at the table chatting with FD, OH sat with lo reading him the Gruffalo and FM sat trying to explain to the lb that she would let his sw know how he felt & that the judge hadn't yet decided what was best for him. It was easiest if I just kept out of the same room. 
We were due the following day to have a day out inc lunch with our lo, return him & have tea at FC. I suggested we could have a picnic & tea out to minimise upset for the other lb, all sws informed that we really had to be careful around this lb as he wasn't coping with intros well.
Day 4: there for breakfast, got lo dressed. All sws came for review meeting at 9.30. All going well, though our sw objected to FCs comments that lo was showing signs of positive attachment to us. From hereonin, we would be caring for lo for full days so it was felt the lb wouldn't have to cope with being around us particularly. I mentioned to our sw that how to behave around other LAC might be something they think to include in prep!
We took lo out to a local park/hall. He enjoyed chasing ducks & we had a picnic. For tea we went to a pub where he behaved beautifully. This is not a child who I would worry about taking out for a meal! We got to travel home after witnessing the good night routine. 
Day 5: FCs brought lo to us. He slept for a chunk of the journey (all the car travelling is playing havoc with his napping routine). Seemed happy enough in the house & has latched on to the oddest of items! The fox doorstop we have has been mistaken for the Gruffalo fox so heavy as it is it is now getting carried around the house! Also the knitted cupcakes my mum made for my cake stand - once he was over the disappointment of learning they were inedible! Played indoors, outside & went to the park. Bathtime was successful - this had been an issue when first placed with FC; used to scream on being taken upstairs. Now loves bathtime, and at the mention held his hands up to be carried up the stairs. Pyjamas, car and was asleep 20mins later. Stirred upon arriving at FC but then slept. 
Day 6: picked him up & took him back to our house - he slept for 45mins of the journey. Day was spent much as the previous day.,OH had an emotional moment as he felt that particular day that lo was bonding well with me & less so him & irrationally felt he was being rejected. Perspective says that we have a 25min trip to FCs from our accommodation (so 50min round trip to do every day), that we also had a 3hr round that day, having travelled for 2hrs (home to FC, FC to accommodation) previous night and that it's an emotionally exhausting week before throwing in all the commuting! Fortunately, after his moment lo sat on daddy's knee for a little while.
Day 7: took lo out local to where he lives. again he slept in the car! We went to a little play farm & I'm not great with animals so today was all about OH, which was very timely. OH lifted him up to stroke the horses etc. They both enjoyed themselves. We met back with FCs for an hour or so after lunch, was obviously confusing for the little chap initially but he sat with oh on the mini train at the park & I've some great photos of a smiley boy.

Concerns? Few. If anything he's a little self reliant, if he falls he will not tolerate you saying 'oops' or going to help him up. That said if he's something (the tiniest crumb or drop of water - not baked bean juice or mashed banana!!!? On his hand he'll want one of us to dust his hands down. When he allows himself to enjoy himself it's lovely to see some genuine smiles & laughs, but he often looks very thoughtful (but then every environment we've had him in is unfamiliar & he'll be taking it all in) & the whole thing must be very confusing to him.
He's easily distracted - doesn't like the suggestion of a nappy change or going in his buggy, but doesn't fight it either. Bath times & meal times he is especially lovely to be with.
I am nonetheless utterly in love with this little boy & am totally looking forward to enjoying the rest of OH's paternity in our house (& getting back to my own bed!). 

My only regret is not sleeping sensibly the night before placement! It's approaching 6am & I've been awake for 2hrs!!!


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## Helend75

I forgot to add that on the phone to his dad last night OH told him that it had been difficult to leave him with FCs for the afternoon as he's just ready now to take him home. He's completely over his 'tired' wobble, and within the hour or so we were with FCs felt very protective towards our lo (eg running around 'fighting' with a stick wouldn't have been something we'd have encouraged him to do in the park. Also when lo got confused and a little upset as to why Fm was ignoring him & just confused at the number of people, OH took him off for cuddles & reassurance and crossly told me how ridiculous this was for lo. 
We cannot wait until he's just ours.


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## melbg

Helen, I am so happy so see your lovely news! I take it little blue is home with you now? Are you both completely in love with him? Xx


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## fififi

Stumbled across your thread & just wanted to say how pleased I am that you're a mummy at last. Your journey was not easy so I'm really hoping that the future is now full of happiness to make up for all those sad times.


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## Helend75

Thank you. I am utterly in love with the little fella. He's a fantastic sense of humour (& has had a second night of sleeping through - 7.30-7.18!!). 
OH likes him - most of the time - and is adjusting to him. It's a bigger adjustment as he's never spent long periods of time around such a young child. Being asked 'what's that' 1000 times is doing his head in, but that's the repetitive nature of any toddler! 
We're not getting mornings right. I don't know what the trigger is; going in the car, going food shopping, allowing him to walk to only have to put him in the buggy - but we're not getting it right. We'd not had a good morning yesterday & I know OH was feeling it's all give with little return (again the nature of a child to some extent) , and then we started with the water squirters which led to the paddling pool and our little water baby had a whale of a time. Being able to open up the back of the house & have access to the garden makes a world of difference to us. I think he needs more stimulation in the home too. Many of the toys that have come across with him are at the baby end of the range. We'd bought a basic duplo box for his room & a colleague got him a megabloks set both of which are proving popular. Also, he loves seeing other small ones so we've a few trips to farm shops locally all of which have play areas which are never busy. Actually, teacher strike maybe today will be busier than usual but hey ho. Tomorrow I've arranged to meet a part time colleague who has a 3 year old so he's another little one to say hi to. 
Bedtime is so much calmer & I can't remember if I wrote about the breakthrough we had on night 7, will re-read and note if not, but last night was OH's first turn at putting him down, and it went just as smoothly so we're pleased. Also nice to have our evenings back - even if we do only talk about lo!!


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## crazyspaniel

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job  

The only advice I would give is to take it easy on the trips out, balance the need to get out of the house with his need to be at home bonding with you both. 
Early placement is a very confusing time for little ones despite outward appearances sometimes!
Our daughter came with toys that were much younger but she needed their familiarity and predictability, 3 years on they still come out occasionally...!

Have fun x


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## ciacox

Sounds like you're all doing brilliant Helen. It's hard when you get into a pattern of a time of day being difficult. We had that for ages post nap in the afternoons. Now I realise I need to be ready with food as soon as he wakes! And I also need to be ready to stick his shoes on and get him out the door if he starts getting stressy. He needs his fresh air! Overall, I doubt you are doing anything wrong - it's likely just that that's the time the unfamiliarity of his new life is really hitting him. 

Very impressed with the 12 hour sleeps. Cub sleeps ok but 10 hours seems to be his max. 

Enjoy these early weeks. It's so crazy but so special. I'm already looking back on them nostalgically. The necessity to dial all your lives right back to basics, to prioritise settling in over everything else is so special.


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## Helend75

I should clarify; the biggest tantrum/meltdown we've seen was on Monday morning. We took him to our local GP to register him as a patient. This meant having to get in the car. I live in a lovely little village, but there's nothing in it other than other people! No GP, no corner shop, so it was just a trip to the GP then a walk around the corner to Tesco Express... All the big supermarket shops are happening while he's in bed. 
The farm shops are all within 4 miles of the house. Yesterday's was empty when we got there & there was one other child by the time we left - and OH & I took turns at playing with him.
OH told me last night he worries that he'll never feel anything towards lo, and currently sees him as little more than an inconvenience. This was a big 90min conversation that I'm rather glibly summing up in a single sentence. I showed him a thread from here called something like '10 weeks in & not feeling it' to reassure OH somewhat. Last night was night 9!! Lots of contributing factors, yesterday afternoon he was sneezing & nose running & when I got back from Sainsbury's he looked just awful. I've said I'll get lo up (my turn anyhow), but that we'll go swimming and in that time I want OH to rest - not sort out loads of washing!!
For those who read and know that OH's parents (mother specifically) are a pain in the behind, it's worth noting that he doesn't feel he has the support - and certainly doesn't have any enthusiasm from - his parents. Yesterday he received a text to say his mum had gone off the idea of a Skype call with us & this would be explained. They've not sent a card - and had to ask if it would be appropriate for them to send a birthday card (in September!!), and would lo not find that confusing?!!!?  So, OH a bit out of sorts & so I'm doing breakfast & swimming.


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## Tictoc

Hi Helen - I've been following your diary and just wanted to jump on as we have a 19 month old who is similar age to yours I think. It's a difficult age to be honest and our LO spends a fair bit of time whinging and screaming because he wants to walk, wants to sleep, wants to eat, doesn't want to be in the buggy, wants a cuddle, doesn't want me holding him etc etc. Me and and DH were talking last night and saying that of our 4 he really is the only one that's hard work at the moment but we're putting it down to the age - it's a frustrating time when they know what they want but can't really communicate it!

We had ours from 9 months so was pretty easy for us but can fully understand it being harder to bond if he had joined us right now at a much more demanding age. Am sure your DH will get there in his own time - such early days still. (I think I took a good 6-9 months to enjoy our little girl when she came at 12 months)


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## ciacox

You and your DH always seem to have brilliantly honest conversations. It must be hard for him to not be feeling the spark that you are, but it sounds like you're doing everything right and it will grow. I know that one thing that made us feel excited and in love was sharing the joy with those around us. I whatsapped my mum a zillion pics in those first weeks (and haven't really stopped) and that kind of helped it all feel real and exciting. Getting worse than nothing back from his mum must feel so flat. Yeah, and I agree with tictoc. This is a super demanding age to get started with. There's very little let up in the energy needed to keep these guys happy and going on an even keel. I remember at this stage M saying to me that he resented the mess and the need to tiptoe around his own home after Cub's bedtime. And when they look disgustingly snotty you can't even enjoy their cuteness! Hope DH had a good rest today. One thought I had (and you e probably already thought of it because you're so on the ball!): at around this stage I struggled with the feeling that M and Cub had bonded better than I had with him and I really had to fight my natural urge to pull back and 'leave them to it'. It was hard as for a while I felt like a third wheel in a budding romance but I'm so glad I kept elbowing my way in as otherwise I think the problem could have snowballed. Just thought I'd mention it in case yr DH is feeling as I did.


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## Helend75

Thank you both for your words, both comments ring true. As ever, yesterday was a different day with lo. Id asked OH to get some rest as feeling unwell & said I'd take lo swimming. Because it's such a faff; packing, getting changed, coming out, same again, giving him his banana in the cafe, it was getting on for 11 before I could text OH to say we were on our way. I had been unable to get tomatoes the previous night at the supermarket so called back on my way home. Plan had been tomatoes & out given previous shop experiences, but was given reason to think that maybe we'd been getting it wrong. Instead of saying he couldn't have my keys I let him have them and having something in his hands while he pointed out the doggy in the Andrex as we passed made for a much more pleasurable experience. 
Upon getting home he did start whining for food as the bits of shopping got put away, this was maybe 20mins earlier than usual, but given a morning swimming, I was also ravenous! I've taken to making up his lunch the night beforehand too so it's always just sat in the fridge ready to go.
Lo played nicely with daddy while I straightened my hair & we went off to the farm shop to meet my friend. I took the 3yr old daughter of my friend some princess stickers & lo had pencils and paper & put forward the word 'share'. We also got him a rice crispie cake to himself which he enjoyed & it kept him occupied.
He had a play in the outdoor area, mainly successful there were 2 other children and my friends little girl. Became upset wanting a go in the tractor & frustrated that when he did get in he couldn't sit down & reach the steering wheel, it was one OR the other.
He did reach up to my friend who held him & OH & I exchanged glances, but he was interested in her earrings... I should maybe have prepped her to go down to his level rather tha pick him up. Lesson learned.

Went to see the few animals (some chickens, 3 pigs & 2 goats), and there was a paddy leaving them. During the paddy, lo's head came forward and hit me in the face in a head but-style. I took him to one side where he became very upset and I asked for the word sorry. It was a minor - and I think unintentional - blip. OH & I have said we need to model the word sorry, as he just doesn't know it. Last week he sat on my foot while I lay on the sofa and though it hadn't hurt I asked him what we say when mummy says ow - 'thank you' was the response I got.
We will mention his anger/frustration to his sw on Friday, it's rare to see it flare, but not nice when it does. 

Got home, he watered plants, planted seeds with OH, ate like a fiend & was keen to get to bed. Wanted a story on the chair but pointed then to his cot - no need for mummy to hang around & rock him for 5mins, I could go. 

So, all in all he was pleasant throughout the day, OH felt better in himself, and rang his parents er the Skype thing. In an unusually thoughtful move they'd asked would it not be too much to do a Skype with lo on the same day his sw visits?!

My parents are 'meeting' lo after lunch today. We're taking him to have his feet measured & even if he's not outgrown his shoes he could do with some sandals. My parents are going to see us at Clarkes to sneak a peek.

Chatting with OH we're going to let lo lead on how to spend the morning. He loved swimming yesterday, but every other morning has been going for a walk. Started keenly, then wanted carrying, then in buggy, now get half way round the corner and he wants a carry and the buggy to be pushed!


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## ciacox

Sounds like a pretty good day and so glad OH's parents have a good reason for not skyping. Impressed with yr LO's language. OurLO (who is also two in September) has very few words and sorry, thank you, and share are definitely not in his vocabulary!


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## Helend75

Ciacox, we have all the animals, often the sounds they make & quite a few other words. Everyone comments on his speech but it's difficult to say what it's like when you don't know any child of a similar age.
Today he's been a delight, totally charmed my parents in their brief meeting. 
Being a bit of a monkey about bedtime tonight (but hope that results in a later get up in the morning!


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## Helend75

In an update to my previous post, lo has been a monkey going to bed every night since!!! Just fights it, not distress or trauma, just wants to be downstairs. It can take 20-60mins before we can leave him. If he'd happily play with his toys fair enough but he wants someone in the room with him... Once asleep though that's it for the next 11-12hrs. 
I've been largely adjusting to life with 'best boy' (I've been telling him he's mummy & daddys best boy & that we love him lots & lots & he now refers to himself as 'best boy, lots lots! Which is funny, and not the worst message for him to have from a young age). 
No set weekly routine, but it's out of term time and opportunities are limited & all my friends are teachers, so I am in a bit of a false reality & I do expect change from September. He has met lots of friends & family, but contrary to sw advice we found doing so at home was actually the better option. Just seemed he was comfortable in his surroundings, especially when the weather is nice & he's able to just be out in the garden. 
After BB was with us for a month we ventured to my parents house & broke the afternoon up with a trip to a local pool which has all sorts of permanent play equipment in it - BB LOVES it, and usually I can get another family member to come along which helps as I need eyes in the back of my head & he's getting to know family too. It's a 70min drive to my parents and so if I go before lunch he'll nap & also after tea there I do bath & pjs there & he sleeps on the way home so can be easily placed in bed. This is now a weekly thing  which has been fab. My parents get to spend time with him, i get to sit back & have my lunch & tea made for me. Their other grandchildren are girls aged 9 & 11. Mum is pleased to see he likes a Victoria sponge & dad always comments on how good he is with his coordination (using a spoon - when he chooses - and playing duplo etc). I go there on a day when OH plays football on an evening which means he can have tea & get ready without worrying about bath, bedtime stories etc. BB has now been with us almost 7 weeks so long term, I'm hoping I can get my eyebrows waxed or hair done & he'll be happy with mum & dad rather than having such appointments eat into our weekends so OH can have him. His 2 cousins adore him - but can't keep their distance. I've explained he knows where they are & if he doesn't ask them to join him then to let him go off on his own. They're getting better, though still need a reminder that sometimes when he goes off on his own it's just to have some peace to do a poo!!
OH's parents have skyped him 3 times. His mother won't leave the house (literally - but I'm pretty confident I moaned about her lots already - scroll back to when she didn't visit her son on his learning that he had cancer, grrrr...) & are a 3hr drive away so were unwilling to travel there. To be honest I will always be unwilling as the house has been smoked in for 30yrs & although his mother smokes in another area of the house when I visit, the smell is so ingrained into the furniture.
BB is sociable, thrives on company - makes a beeline for males. I picked my mum up from a wake after swimming the other day & lets just say it was like the party hadn't started until BB rocked up... He identified the tiny stage in the corner (where the disco guy might set up were it a different kind of a function), and BB indicated to it saying 'dance', so he was given help up the steps and danced away to himself... 
He growled a lot on placement and would hit his head with his hands if frustrated, but rarely does so now. He occasionally gets in a paddy when he falls, but is now accepting of & will sometimes even request a kiss better. Initially we picked him up against his will & told him it was mummy/daddys job to kiss him better so this is a big step. He loves physical contact, and on waking or before bed will lift mine or OH's shirt up saying 'body on' and likes to lie on our skin. In the last week he has actively sought out 'cuddles' too. I'm so massively proud of the progress he's making.
We go out the house morning & afternoon and to be honest he gets wildly excited about walking to our nearest main road to wave at buses/tractors/motor bikes etc... Quite how willing I'll be when the weather changes I don't know. I've been meeting friends for picnics and he is usually the only child so revels in the attention. In his growly days we were on edge with his behaviour around other children. He likes the idea of being with other kids (the reality of turn taking & sharing though isn't always so appealing!!) & I've got his name down for a toddler group from September so as to mix more with other little ones.

In other news, you may remember that for this match we were set up competitively against a couple who we knew from our prep course, the woman took to our private adopters group to vent her anger/disappointment at the time, I had said to OH that we ought to 'fess up when things maybe weren't so raw for her. As it happens she was then matched & her little boy was placed days before BB was placed with us. 
Our LA does have monthly stay & play sessions for adopters and the last one took place 2 weeks after lo placement. We went, but as stated he was growly & we were wary of behaviour around other los so although OH & I were there we were 2 weeks in and on high alert! Anyway, I messaged her after the event to say that she may have recognised our lb, that it had been difficult to say anything any earlier, and that maybe the sws had something when they said that the right child for each couple would come along & so I wished her & her family well - this was 5 weeks ago. The response I got at the time was fairly pleasant. 
On Thursday however I received a lengthy message which I found to be wholly unnecessary. That if she is to see me at adoption events she needs me to understand that she wishes I'd have admitted earlier that we were the couple chosen for lo - that I can accept & take on the chin. That the message went on to say how much they'd invested in our son having had his CPR for a month, how much they felt he bore a physical resemblance etc I didn't feel was necessary and I didn't see what that gains other than to make me feel guilty. It also said that though we are not blamed (!), they do resent what the placing LA & their own sw put them through though haven't YET made a complaint.
I rang our sw to report how uncomfortable this made me feel, but importantly to say that they've actually had a child with them for the past 7 weeks & as annoyed that she was taken by surprise (& felt subsequently embarrassed) that I'd like to think had it turned out the other way around, that for me it would now be water under the bridge? She said the fact I'd not said anything prior to the play thing explained my coldness at the event! I didn't even say anything to OH - Thursday is his football night/my day at my mums. I knew his response would be to withdraw from anything where she may be - that had been his reaction to her ******** post back in April. I told him Friday though and put it to him that if had to contact our sw in order to make a complaint. I'm not in the habit of keeping stuff from OH, but when he gets in from football at almost 9.30pm it would have dominated what little time we did have together & he'd have had AA restless a nights sleep as I had - and the end result was always going to be that I reported my concerns to our sw.

After speaking with sw (who was to speak to the couple's sw) I replied to acknowledge that she could have been told earlier (though our sw was very much of the view that we had/have a right to privacy) & I could accept that this had put her in an awkward position, but also said that at the end of our initial sw visit from lo's ss & FF we were reminded that if we were unsuccessful we likely would bump into the child in the future if/when placed in this LA & that we had to respect the confidentiality of the child.
So, today is an adoption picnic (not sure whether she intends to go to that) & Monday is stay & play. I will go  to both as it's important for lo to know other los with similar stories & I've done nothing to feel guilty about!


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## Helend75

My beautifully funny boy will be 2 on Tuesday! My heart could burst with love and pride in the little fella.
In the last 2 weeks we have attempted a number of groups and taken up the free trial offered by a number of classes. Tumble tots was a waste of £5. Seriously, 'go round the circuit in a clockwise direction'? As OH  would say, it was like herding cats... BB ran up and down the hall for an hour ignoring all the carefully laid out equipment...
We've tried dancetots, toddler sensory & this morning will give the creation station a go. Also tried a few less structured playgroups. BB is generally loving it, just doesn't like packing away & leaving! He particularly enjoys the singing at the end and in the last fortnight his singing has come on no end. He likes to play out after school; there are 2 2 year old boys living locally, and a host of older children. At 4pm he stands there with his shoes 'boots on, boys, girls' - the older boys let him play with their ball, and last week one kept feigning injury in a light sabre battle, while the girls coo over him & allow him to chase them. 
I go up to my parents once a week whereupon he is treated like the King & I have someone else worry about lunch and tea! Our sw called round Monday morning& said she just couldn't get over how everyone had fit together so naturally which was nice.
OH has had 3 nights away with work this week but I'm planning on driving BB to the station to collect his daddy. He's been a little unsettled but I'm sure his face will light up when he sees that daddy is back! 
Sunday we'll have a small tea party for close family and Monday we go to Center Parcs through until Friday. Swimming daily & an opportunity to see squirrels is everything this boy needs! He'll have family presents in Sunday (where we've got them), a few off us, but we'll take a couple with us (inc a selection of books), and his main gift (balance bike & helmet so he can join the other kids out on their bikes) for Tuesday morning. Hoping to get away with packing few toys as there's only Monday night we'll be in our lodge without any/many. 

All our AO paperwork has been returned to the placing LA & I trust that it's being dealt with. Cannot wait to have the boys name changed (reminds me, I need to complain to my GP surgery as the twice I've had appointments he's been called by birth name rather than known as name. Grrrrrr.).


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## Bahhumbug

Your post made my heart sing 😍😍
Have a wonderful time away x


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## fififi

Am so pleased BB is settling in and you are sounding happy & optimistic for the future once more. Adjusting to a baby joining the family takes time so I can only imagine having a toddler join is going to be hard going for all of you.
Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job & your best boy is very lucky to have been placed with such wonderful parents   


Enjoy your holiday xx


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## ciacox

Ours boys are so close in age. Cub is two on Friday! Hope BB has a brilliant birthday tomorrow xxx


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## Helend75

Can't believe it's been so long since I wrote!
My brilliantly funny & gorgeous little boy had his AO granted at the first hearing (yesterday). The very best Christmas present. He is just such a fabulous personality & everyone loves him to bits. Last night after putting his dressing gown on he pulled his hood up said 'ho, ho, ho, Father Christmas' and proceeded to hand out imaginary presents.  
We had just left his playgroup Christmas party when I had to pull over to take the call. It was such a lovely day & this was just the icing on the cake.


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## fififi

Congratulations - fabulous news!!!!

You have had a long wait to get to this point and I'm sure this Christmas will be the first of many amazing ones where you almost feel like pinching yourself to believe it's real.
Have a wonderful time & may 2017 continue to bring you & your family happiness xx


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## Helend75

Well, we have our celebration day in 3 weeks (the paperwork got missed over Christmas, hence the big delay). The boy is doing just fabulously, everybody comments on his language as his ability to hold a conversation is just great, & in the last few days he's just beginning to 'get' colours. 
He has spent the last 2 weeks 'enjoying' settling in sessions at nursery with a view to starting nb 2 half days from Monday, leading to 3 full days from after May half term. Work are not accepting my request for flexible working though so may just have to hang fire in that until the situation is resolved. 

I really don't know what more to add. If you've followed this from the beginning you'll know I went to hell (then sank a little bit further still) before getting to where I am now. Now, the stresses and pressures & overwhelming sadness that I carried everywhere & carried constantly are gone. I've a delightful boy who is sociable, funny & all mine (well, ours). I don't wish to haggle with work and just want to agree a settlement as I cannot go back to being that miserable, downtrodden person. I've a happy family & the happiness is so ch that I feel I could burst. If you're thinking about adoption, I get it. You exhaust the IF route as far as you can and adoption lurks there, a niggling thought...

I don't doubt that when the future holds some difficult questions for me to answer my little boy, but right now, adoption has worked/is working for us. IF is so painful, a raw wound to walk around with day in, day out, a black cloud fixed permanently above your head; but in a heartbeat I've put it behind me. 
I've been out for a friends 40th today, someone I've known over 15 years who commented that since my leave last year (& despite the stresses that moving a toddler in posed!), he said I've never looked so well.


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## fififi

So lovely to read - the change in you is huge. 
Hope work issues get sorted & you can continue to move forward enjoying being a mummy at last.

It's crazy how life tortures so many of us but the upside is that when we finally reach our dream the enjoyment & love is far far beyond expectations.


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## Helend75

Well, 2 years ago we were clearing & cleaning for our first social worker visit for our gorgeous boy! We’ve now made a call about being assessed as second time adopters. 
I am incredibly anxious that we could be rocking the boat! I thought it was a call to ask what the prices would be, OH (now my fiance incidentally!!!) made the call & turns out we’ve registered an interest 😬


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## ciacox

Hi Helen - i was thinking about you the other day and wondering if you would be thinking about number 2! Exciting news! And congrats on your engagement. From my recent experience, I would say you will certainly rock the boat but it'll be so worth it xxx


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## fififi

Oohhhh that's exciting news & congrats on the engagement too.
Hope perusing number 2 is an easier process than your journey to get your no 1 little man. In any family a sibling rocks the boat, and unfortunately your 'boat' is bit unsteadier than most to start, but as time passes and life falls back into place you won't regret it I'm sure xxxx


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## Helend75

We were approved to adopt again last month. Still in two minds but we’ll see what profiles come our way 😬


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