# ADVICE SOUGHT FROM ADOPTERS WITH BIRTH CHILD



## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi

I hope I am posting in the right place.  We have an 8 year old BC and are looking to adopt.  We went to the info evening but were put off a bit by a few things they said and when we have thought about things we have some real scary worries and I wondered if you could share your experiences of both the process you went through to become a parent of an adopted child and with how the adopted child has fitted in with your BC.

Would really appreciate any info, both good and bad experiences are welcome as I really want to get an idea before we commit to going ahead.

Our concerns are as follows, some you may find silly.

1) if adopted child has siblings, will our BC feel like a proper sister?
2) will we grow to love an adopted child as we did our BC (this doesn't come naturally or as quickly as some may think)
3) How did your BC cope with a new child suddenly in the house?  I worry because toddlers are all fingers and thumbs whilst if I gave birth to a baby our BC would have a chance to gradually get used to having a sibling and a baby wouldn't be sharing her toys.
4) How long before the adopted child felt like part of the family? Again I worry about this alot.
5) How much contact did you have with BPs ( I worry if there is alot of contact we won't feel like the child's real parents)
6) How did your family and friends react to you adopting?
Many thanks
L
x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi,

We are 10 weeks into placement with a 2yr old and have a 9 yr old BC who was 7 when we started the process. I happy to discuss any of your queries by pm if you need to and will briefly answer your concerns as well as I can.

1) our BS is aware that LO has siblings but as she has no direct contact and does not talk about them herself it's not really been an issue for us. As far as DS is concerned they are brother and sister...
2) Love is growing here, for me it wasn't instant and is very different to having a birth child but it doesn't make any difference to how you feel about the both. I have the same maternal feelings and would protect them both with my life ( sorry that sounds a bit dramatic  )
3)DS has coped extremely well with his new sister, I think the age gap and the opposite gender has helped with this. If anything he is quietly fascinated by the pink things in the house now!
4)DD has felt part of since she moved in and has been accepted well by our extended family.
5)no direct contact, just once yearly letterbox. She is our daughter, we love her, nurture her and meet her needs so we are her parents - I'm sure you'll feel the same way.
6)all positive reactions so far. School playground slightly different matter, have had a lot of open mouthed staring and obviously a lot of gossiping although some people have been lovely and supportive.

Adopting with a BC does bring its own challenges, I can't pretend it's all been easy. There is a degree of sibling rivalry and you will find yourself pulled in two different directions a lot, plus there's the guilt, guilt about just about everything in the early days when you feel you have to be super mum! 

Do give it a lot of thought and remember you can stop the process if you change your mind but if you do decide adoptions right for you the positives will outweigh the negatives  

Good luck
CS xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I don't have any direct experience of this but I do know that where an adopted child has birth siblings, and another child is that child's everyday sibling, they tend to end up all feeling related to each other - confusing to adults but natural to the child! So our little boy has two birth siblings and we may adopt again - and I'd assume that a second child of ours would, like many others, see little boy's older birth sibs as THEIR siblings too, ones that don't live with us. Rather like having step siblings of step siblings IYSWIM?


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