# Does an large age gap matter?



## louise007 (Feb 11, 2009)

Dear ladies
I have a DD who will be 6 years old in a few weeks-.Tried for years to have a second child -but no success as DH poor sperm.Then had to have ovaries out at 36.Had 1 Don Egg attempt that failed 2 years ago. Now considering another.IVF with DE. DD keeps asking for a sibling and I feel awful not being able to give her one...Especially as all her friends have siblings.
I feel about 50/50 re whether its worth trying  Egg Don again for second as she will be nearly 7 by time it is born, if lucky.Will she then miss any benefit of having a sibling as so much older?Will this defeat the purporse of doing it as wont really be a playmate etc?
Any thoughts or experiences with 2 children with such a gap would be apprechiated.
Louise


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## professor waffle (Apr 23, 2005)

There is a 10 & 8 year gap between me & my brothers, it isn't a problem except that my parents were a lot older when they had me & had 'been there, done that' before & didn't really want to do all the  baby things again. It was more to do with their getting a suprise baby unplanned I guess! The only other thing was my brothers were quite grown up & didn't want to play with me but they had had their childhood together so if you've one child with a gap between it may not be so obvious a difference.

Plus with 6 years between you'll probably have a good helper who will be fascinated with their baby brother or sister, N certainly is at the age of almost 3!

HTH


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## Jane D (Apr 16, 2007)

Hiya

My brother is 6 years older than me and was a great help to my parents as I was growing up.  By the age of 6 I didnt feel he was significantly older than me.  We did a lot of joint activities as my parents didnt force me to be a pink girlie.  I adored his soldier dolls and scalextric and we played a lot of cricket and football outside, though undertandably he had his own friends and I had my own.  I suppose if you go by the text book  a true sibling playmate would be the same sex and no more than say 18 months difference, in the early years.  I guess that is why you see so many 12 month olds with pregnant mum.  However as you get older, you have separate identities and get a little irritated by the cling on sibling whatever the age difference.  For me, wanting a second child was about the long haul as well, wanting my daughter to have support of a sibling in adulthood as well as shared child hood.  You sound if you are not sure about taking further treatment? You have to think about it for you and your dh, as well as your dd.  I am sure your daughter would understand if you said for medical reasons, a sibling is not possible.  The beauty of ED is you have time to make decisions without pressure.
I wish you well on your journey.

Jane


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## rachfenton (Sep 18, 2008)

I've been thinking about this too, we have been trying to conceive no 2 for 23 months and there is a sense of urgency in me as i really wanted our children to be close in age. But the more i think about it, the more im coming around to the fact that an age gap, no matter how big is no bad thing!  From my own experience, I was always closer to my youngest sister who was 4 years younger than me than I was to my middle sister who was 2 years younger, thinking back i think it was because i always felt there was competition between us at 2 years apart, obviously that was parent led to some extent but with my younger sister, well she was just my little sister who i could have loads of fun with!  As we have got older the age gap doesn't count for anything, If you had a sibling 7 years younger than you now, it would be better than not having one at all!  I hope it will happen for you soon, we are going to keep trying efven if the age gap ends up being 10 years!


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## tweetie (Feb 5, 2005)

hi girls just thought i would come and post that i have secondary infertility and despite trying for many years to give my son a sibling it didnt happen until he was the tender age of 17 yrs     so dont think the age gap really matters well certainly not in my case lol.my son loves his little sis.goodluck to you all xxxlol.lisa xxx


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## quaver (Aug 25, 2007)

Hi hope you dont mind me adding my views   I have 1 son age 13 and a daughter age 8. After having my dd i had a premature menopause somewhere around the age of 28-30 not really sure when it happen. I married nearly 3 years ago and found out about my POF. I gave birth on 2nd Jan this year to a lovely boy Zack after donor egg ivf and I have found that my older 2 children have accepted the baby really well. I think the age gap may of helped ease any jealousy etc that you sometimes get with a new baby.
Hope this helps
Love Quaver xx


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## BABY2 (Nov 28, 2007)

our gap is much bigger...my DD is 14 and DH's son is going to be 20 this year and his daughter 14!!!! so massive gaps but our baby is adored by all her siblings although she really is not a playmate for any of them   the point is that my DD finally has a sibling and she adores her little sister.

P xx


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## kittyx (Oct 19, 2008)

Hi I,ve gone past worrying about age gaps anymore. Takes all sorts to.make the world go round. Once children become adults age gaps disappear and hopefully they,ll be there for each other in the future.

Ever hopeful kittyx


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## missyb (Mar 19, 2007)

wow ladies! i found this thread fab to read as i have to dd's aged 11 & 12 from my first marriage. my df has no children and would desperatley like to have a baby. although we have been trying to nearly 3 years nothing seems to be happening. as time has gone on i have thought about the huge age gap but i feel better about it all after reading this. i know that if we are blessed with a bfp (which wont be this mth as af feels like she's ready to come any second now!) my dd's will love their baby brother or sister and yes it will be different from when they were young.. but different isnt always bad.



lots of  


amanda xx


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## Mrs Woman (Oct 25, 2008)

We have been ttc number for 20 months and I have worried about a big age gap.  However, there are 22 years between me and my youngest brother  .  He wasnt planned (in fact my mum was in labour before she realised she was pregnant) but the rest of us all love him.  I admit that sometimes we are more like parents to him than siblings but he doesnt seem disadvantaged by it.  In fact he gets to do loads of stuff with all of us that he wouldnt otherwise with younger siblings.  He is also fantastic with my dd and they are more like siblings than uncle and niece. 

I am also much closer to my other bother who is 8 years younger than the next oldest where there is only 2 years age difference.

I would have prefered a smaller age gap with my children but you just dont get to choose these things sometimes do you.  As she gets older I do think that the bigger age gap is going to better as I know she is going to be a fanastic help to me and will be able to understand better why my attention might have to be on a baby rather than her.  My biggest fear now though is that she has had me to herself, having to share me is going to come hard.


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Well, not that I'm even pg (yet, PMA), but my husband's daughter is going to be 28 in April, so I think we might have the world's record for biggest gap between siblings, if we ever have a baby!!!!!!!!!

Dee


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## ambergrace (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi Louise,

We have been trying for a sibling for our first child for years too (see signature) and just achieved success with IVF - I'm still not quite believing it till pregnancy progresses further down the line, but if all goes well our age gap will be over 5 years. 

I also have the same concerns about whether my son and his new brother/sister will ever truly play together because the gap is quite big, but I think a lot of sibling relationships depend far more on the individual personalities of the children and their interests than the actual age gap. I know plenty of children with that 'perfect' 2 year age gap who don't really interact at all, or if they do interact simply fight like cat and dog! And as children get older the gaps 'blur' anyway - adult siblings with large age gaps have every chance - if not possibly an even greater chance - of a close relationship than small-gap siblings. Less rivalry, perhaps, and more tolerance - but again this is probably dependent on individual personalities. Certainly I have several adult friends who have 7+ year age gaps between them and an older or younger sibling and they are as close as close can be.

I think the other advantages of big age gaps, for both mother and children, is that the older child understands a lot more and is far more independent - mine will be at full time school by the time the new baby comes, so far more time for me to enjoy the newborn than I would have had had I achieved my original desire of having a second child by the time he was 2, and he will hopefully find it slightly less intrusive as he has his own little 'life' at school and his own independent friendships that don't include mummy anyway. 

If I am absolutely honest, if I could have my time again I think I would still hope and plan for a smaller age gap, but life doesn't always work out as we plan I guess and I am just grateful that hopefully I will get a second chance at motherhood and my son will benefit from a sibling even if 5 years younger. If I were you I would go for it!

Amber x


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## louise007 (Feb 11, 2009)

Dear ladies
i am truly overwhelmed by the fact that so many of you have taken the time to answer me.It was a pleasure to hear so how so many of you have made it work even with larger that wished for age gaps.I feel much better about going ahead with DE treatment-once I can decide on whether I am going to SPain ,Kieve or back to UK ...but thats another story!!
Good luck to all those hoping for another child and continue enjoying your baby for those who have been successfull..
Love louise


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## kittyx (Oct 19, 2008)

good luck to you too xx

kittyx


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