# Adoption NOT an option



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

As you know I have been struggling with coming to terms to a life without children. While visiting my sister over Easter she comes out with the old chestnut "Why don't you adopt?" I said we'd thought about it and decided not to. She said "I thought you were brave". I must have had a face like thunder cos she then backtracked and changed the subject. The thing is - why can't people accept that not everyone wants to adopt? Just because I wanted a child doesn't mean that I will automatically want to adopt. Actually DH and I had a long chat about it - we realised that if we went in for adoption it would be another emotional upheaval of sorts. Our lives would be on hold again. To be honest - it actually feels comforting that I know where my life is going for a change. Though it's not quite what I wanted, at least I know where I am. All through the tx everything was turned upside down. Perhaps we are not brave enough - we've run out of courage (?) Or may be we are being brave in another way - daring to buck the trend of convention and have a life - and a fulfilling one - without children.
Bernie x
P.S. This sounds horrible - but I can't expect my sister to understand. Her whole life has been about her 5 kids. She has nothing else in it, no career or enduring hobby. But she'll be all right as her oldest has started having children.... so now she has grandchildren to focus on.


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Myownangel, I know exactly how you feel, and I just wanted to say YOU ARE BRAVE  for realising what is right for you and DH and being honest about your feelings about adoption. You wanted your own biological child and put yourselves through alot over the past years - something your sister will never understand. I always find it is those who have their own biological children who say "why not adopt" - I think they would not be so quick to suggest that if they were in the same position 

Adoption is right for some people and they achieve their dreams through it, but for those of us who know it would not be right for us, we should not be made to feel bad about our choice. I have said that to several people, and you really do get the impression that they think "well, you mustn't want children that badly then" or "to be a good person, you really should adopt a child and make that child's life better". It seems that everyone around us is trying to be well meaning, but I really believe that unless they have been through your experience, they can never really truly empathise.

I wish you the very best of luck with your life ahead, and say well done for getting to where you are now.
Nx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

It's the answer to everyones idea of infertility isn't it and that is just wrong. You are brave and so is anyone who has had to endure the agonising IVF/ICSI etc cycles. Decisions like this are not taken lightly but we get no credit for our suffering just judgement for not wanting to adopt. It makes me so angry. Adoption is not for everyone and it is definitely not a replacement for having your own child. Adopting a child is a job for life, and like most jobs it is either for you or it isn't. 

Making that decision is much braver than going ahead with adopting a child when it wasn't what you really wanted, no one would benefit from that. I just wish people would understand that we don't want to be at the mercy of the 'what ifs' or 'just one more go' or 'don't give up hope' for the rest of our lives. Do people really think we are so stupid that we make these decisions lightly!! Sorry rant over, just get really cross when people do not realise the torment we go through and that we just want a life before it is over....

I think you and DH have made the right choice for you and you go and enjoy your life because lets face it it goes quickly. Your sister is just naive and I am glad she has not had to learn the lessons you have but at the same time maybe you should point out to her that how you feel. Or maybe she would like to adopt, afterall it is not just an option for the infertile. 

Yx


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## reikilisa (Jun 14, 2005)

Dear Bernie

You are brave!  Why do people say such stupid things.......how do they know what it feels like??  I know when we first said that IVF for us was no longer an option,  people just go through the list of what to do next and at one point we looked into adoption but decided against it,  and still certain people mention "Are you not going to adopt then?"  its like they don't know what else to talk about
they just havent got any idea  

Love Lisa x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Bernie

I think many of us echo your sentiments you raise regarding adoption not necessarily being an option for everyone... its also very personal for someone to suggest something like this as an option - but people think they are being well meaning when they do this!

Just wanted to send you a  

Love
Emcee xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks for your replies. You know the irony is that 10 years ago we would have considered adoption - but then we were doing tx and the natural pregnancies came along. It all takes time to get over and I think that in all honesty we are just worn out. Sometimes you have to realise when you're not winning a battle and make a retreat! On the subject of bravery - it's not bravery that got me through it all, it's more like I was forced to deal with it. I guess it was hope that kep me going with the IVF tx. But I've lost all hope in that now. I don't want to pin my hopes on adoption - I want to hope for a future where I can be happy without children. 
Bernie xxx


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## mb05 (Apr 12, 2005)

Big hugs to you, Bernie. I know exactly where your thoughts are coming from ....mine are the same....and I wanted to thank you all for writing down all those things that whirr around in my head! As usual, it is nice to know I am not the only one going through all these feelings.......if you know what I mean.......

best wishes to all the ladies...and men...on this thread. I don't visit so often now...but I wanted to thank you. To those of you at the start of this journey ....it does get easier.....I promise! xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Sorry to arrive so late. A friend of mine is trying to adopt and her whole life is on hold - the social workers have advised her not to move house  even though they want to move somewhere they feel they will want to live forever and it is bigger and more child-friendly than the one they have (apparently it will make them look like they aren't settled.) And the social worker seems to disapprove that they would want to take any child they adopt to Holland for holidays (my friend is Dutch and has family there.) Apparently it was not a good idea to suggest going to a foreign country as it might be too unsettling for the child. (My friend was not planning to go the first weekend after the child arrives for goodness sake!) It all sounds crazy, intrusive and stressful - does that remind you of anything?!

I think people who have not looked into it think its easy to adopt a lovely litttle bunnikins of a baby in a pink or blue babygrow, or maybe to fly to Africa and save a little child from starving. The same people seem to think FT results in instant pregnancy.

DH and I were simply not ready to go down the adoption path when the tx road was over, we were too emotionally drained to go through the stress of the process and any more disappointment. We took into account that we could be rejected on grounds of age - at the time I was 41 and he was 45 and our local authority policy looked as though we would not fall into their categories and we just could not afford a foreign adoption.

Bernie, I think it is brave to make tough decisions and to seek new hope in a life that is different from the one we had planned and the one other people expect of us.

jq xxx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

myownangel

just wanted to say that adoption DOES guarentee a child at the end (obviously) which is why it is a "safe bet" and it might be hard and emotional but at least you dont have to be poked and prodded anymore and you just have to find a child that needs you, which isnt upsetting it kinda makes you there saviour. Dont get mad at me im only trying to help   just with tx you have no guarentees and i myself find comfort in that i have the option of adoption so i can reach my goal and i dont mind if i give birth or not to achieve it (obv.would prefer that if poss).


but it is your life at the end of the day and everyone has there own opinions and you have to do what you need to hunny   i think that relative was completely out of order she has no idea what youve been through and how dare she say you are not brave, sh should try IF sometime


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks jq - It is a hard decision, but ultimately the right one for me where I am in my life right now.

Avon Queen - I get what you are saying - but do remember I'm further down the line than you. Also adoption doesn't guarantee a child as I have seen some people turned down for adoption. If I were 32 I would certainly be looking in to it. But me and dh are 42 now. What I would say to you is don't leave it too late to investigate the adoption route. It does work out for a lot of people. Good luck with it all.
Bernie


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

myownangel

i know, ive hardly touched the surface for tx really, i guess im no expert   i didnt think you could be turned down for adoption thats a bit scary, i mean as long as you were nice people n stuff. hey im obviously new to this whole thing maybe i should keep my trap shut   im gonna try ivf 4 times Max then if not adopt. may adopt as well though keeping my options open. wont leave it too late thanks for the friendly warning

only you know the extent of what youve been through i guess and i hope you reach happiness cause you sure as hell deserve it


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Avon Queen,

(Just seen that Bernie has already replied!)

I do hope that you are lucky with any treatment, and that if it does not work you find success at adoption. But do look into it as soon as you can if that is what you expect to do, I know they don't like older people too much.

You see, I am so sorry to contradict you, but embarking on adoption processes *does not* guarentee a child at the end. You have to apply and get approved. You can get turned down. And you are poked and prodded -emotionally - when the social workers look into every aspect of your life, interview you with and wihout your partner on many occassions, challenge what you tell them, interview your family and referees. They are not there to support you but to vet you. Then they present the information they have found to a panel who decide whether or not you can go on a list to wait and see if there is a suitable child for you. It is quite right that there is a process to make sure vulnerable children do not end up with unsuitable people, but some people just don't want to go through the process.

Jq xxx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

jq

blimey, sounds horrible   why is nothing ever straight forward thought if the child already exists it may be a touch more comfortable experience!. wrong again then!, god it sounds so harsh  

im learning stuff all the time here, by the time im 35 my ivfs should be finished so thats when would start process so hope that wouldent make me too old. dh is 11 yrs older though


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello again,

Sorry if we shocked you! Don't worry that you did not know this stuff - no-one does till they start to look into it. 

More bad news, I think you can't keep all your options open once you start the adoption process - I think they will check you have stopped fertility treatment and some of the interviews will be about how you have come to terms with not having a biological child. 

Why not have a look at the adoption board for some information from people who have started the process. I know there is another support group for people who want to adopt, but I forget what they are called. They sent me some useful info. You could google "adoption self help support."

Once again, good luck!

Jq xxx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

i wouldent do it unless i had stopped having treatment, but dont like the idea or being grilled as to how happy i am not having a biological child. i am a grown woman it would be weird having to explain all these things to a stranger! looks like they leave no stone unturned but its for the children, i understand, is the best for them

anyhow one thing at a time. IVF first. then will broach this


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hi ya,

Interesting subject for us at the moment and i can totally understand why people dont want to Adopt.
After a very long road of ill health and Fertility treatment for my wife, we decided that we would look into Adoption.

Whilst i agree some what in what has been said, upto now it has been a very positive experiance for us, and yes the Social Workers are there to vet you, but we are also getting some fantastic support from our Social Worker, who has seen us probably at our worst 18 months ago. 

Adoption is not all plain sailing and alot of people think that there are lots of babies/children just given up for Adoption which is not the case these days as alot of Children have been abused or negleted in some shape or form.

There is alot to consider when going for Adoption as this is a life time commitment , with issue's that may surround the child/children that you may have to confront in the future.

The one thing i will say is, that you feel more in control with the Adoption process rather than fertility treatment as it least you have some say in the outcome.

I will also add that Social Workers and the Adoption process are painted in a negative light, speaking personally this not the case, they do a fantastic job and they are there long after the process has ended for your support.

Adoption isnt for everybody and 6 years ago it wasnt for us!! , I wish everybody the best whichever road they choose.

Cheese


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks CC for putting the other side across. I know that adoption does work out for people. I'm glad you are having a relatively positive experience - and hope it all turns out well for you and your wife in the end.
Bernie xxx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

cheshire cheese

you have been through so much, wish you much happiness and joy in the future


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

When I'm asked the adoption question I simply tell them the truth, by and large I don't like other peoples kids and that usually draws the conversation to a rapid close (as most other people have kids!)

I think like all things you can have positive and negative experiences of any interaction with the "system". One of my relatives adopted a son and they've said that they wouldn't put themselves through it again for many reasons.

On a personal note I've always known adoption is not for me and I'm relaxed about it, on the reverse I have tremendous respect and admiration for people for whom it is.  Viva la difference as they say.


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Many of the regulars on this board know my background in adoption, so I won't bore you by going into too much detail  

I just felt I had to say this to Bernie - you are a strong intelligent woman, and by actively deciding not to pursue adoption, you are making an informed choice and deciding to follow a different road in life. What's not brave about that? I wonder if your sister still has the 60s/70s image of adoption - finding a nice little baby for you to make your dreams come true - when the modern reality is a bit different! I wish the media would stop portraying adoption as the "next step" after IF  

If you are able to be a therapeutic parent - i.e. re-parent a traumatised child with all the difficulties that can bring - then go for it. It is definitely not for the faint hearted, and not a "solution" to IF.

That said, good luck to all those going through the process - I do know that some adoptions can work out well for all involved  

Take care,
Solitaire
xxx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Ladies 

I hope you dont mind me posting- for those who dont know me i am one of the adoption mod's and also an adoptive mum (just)

Firstly the process for us was 9months from first email to approval and then 25weeks from approval to finding out about our children-within under 18months we have made that final decision to "move on from ttc" to becoming new parents to 2 children 

The process can be very intrusive however this is to make sure that when you get approved and "matched" its to the right child/ren- our 2 on paper couldnt be more like us (we meet them in 9days time) and from everyone involved with us and the children have said how alike we all are.

I know adoption isnt for everyone and i know i got the "why not adopt" question alot over the 8yrs we were ttc and i simply said that it wasnt for us at that time as we needed to complete ttc.

I will be 100% honest and say that even though DH and i said no more tx once we started the adoption process we still knew that if adoption didnt complete our feelings once we had our children then we could have more tx in time however since finding out about our 2 all my little worries and feelings have changed and i know feel "complete"

I hope no one thinks me harsh in what i say however just as people who havent undergone tx "try" and understand it this is the same as adoption- until you have walked in those shoes please dont think that "adoption" is anything other then giving children a permanant family.

   all round

M J
xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Well said M J!

I think most of us here realise that adoption isn't about our feelings about wanting a family, its about offering a loving supportive environment to a vulnerable child or children.

I couldn't have worded it better than what you have - and I'm sure that you explaining the process you have undergone has helped many here who are considering adoption or in the midst of the process.

I wish you and all our potential adoptees out there the very best of everything!  

With love
Emcee xxx


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## alegria (Dec 10, 2007)

Sorry to butt in and I realise that adoption may not be for everyone but just wanted to tell you about a close friend of mine's positive adoption experience: 

She and her dh went through many years of 'unexplained' IF, she lost the count of how many IUIs she had plus 8 IVF attempts and lots of invasive tests and surgeries in between - 10 years in total. And she was ready to adopt well before her dh was. They finally decided to put themselves on a ED list (by then she needed it because of her age) whilst investigating adoption abroad (as I was told it can be longer and a bit more difficult process in this country). They reached the top of ED list on the same week they were matched with a potential child in Eastern Europe. They thought hard about all they had already been through with each of their previous txs and my friend decided she could take no more... A couple of wks later they boarded on a plane to meet their 'potential' new baby. It took about 18mths in which they made a few visits to the child at the orphanage there whilst being throughly investigated by social services here in London (and during the whole process the social workers knew that the child would not be brought up solely in the UK as both to-be parents are foreigners from mailand Europe living here in the UK) and then they were finally allowed to bring him home when he was one year old. He's absolutely gorgeous!!! He even look like my friend. And when you see them together you can see that they are truly his parents and his truly their son. My friend tells me that if she knew she would have adopted much earlier... but then it took sometime for her husband to accept it. She never thought it would be possible to have so much love in your heart to give to a child. He has brought so much joy to their lives. He's now 3yrs old and they've just initiated the adoption paperwork for a little sibbling for him. So, it can work for some indeed even after many years of IF heartache.

Best wishes for everyone,
Alegria x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Flipper - "I don't like other peoples kids" LMAO! I'll have to remember that one  

Thanks Solitaire for your support.

MJ - If you read my post you'll see I'm not against adoption. I'm just saying it's not for me. There was a time when I was all for it. I'm just worn out I reckon and I just wanted to make the point that adoption isn't the automatic route after tx for all sorts of reasons. 
It is important to me that I keep a perspective on my life and that it is not entirely subsumed by my need to have a child. That is why I'm drawing a line and saying no to adoption. It is, after all, a choice.

Bernie xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I'd just like to gently remind folk that this board is for the involuntary childless - please heed the banner at the top of the forum found by clicking *here*  before you respond to a message...



alegria said:


> Sorry to butt in and I realise that adoption may not be for everyone but...


Indeed adoption isn't an option for everyone and its been a most interesting discussion so far - thank you for sharing your thoughts on the subject Alegria...

I'd also like to add that exploring the adoption route and going down that path is a tremendous thing to do, and that I take my hat off to those who accomplish this, but sadly for many people who reside here on this board adoption is not something that is an option for them, and that sometimes we may have discussions on here that hit a raw nerve with others who are not experiencing the same thing. Also we have folk on here who are looking into adoption at the moment yet who are still reeling from all that has happened to them and trying to get their heads and hearts around IF and the adoption proceedure - please bear this in mind when you read or decide to respond to the messages here.

Emcee x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Myownangel said:


> MJ - If you read my post you'll see I'm not against adoption. I'm just saying it's not for me. There was a time when I was all for it. I'm just worn out I reckon and I just wanted to make the point that adoption isn't the automatic route after tx for all sorts of reasons.
> It is important to me that I keep a perspective on my life and that it is not entirely subsumed by my need to have a child. That is why I'm drawing a line and saying no to adoption. It is, after all, a choice.
> 
> Bernie xxx


Hi Bernie

I hope you didnt think i was getting at you hun- i honestly wasnt and i think you should be proud of being able to "draw a line" i just wanted to dispell some myths about adoption

Alegria- your friends will have had to go through the same process as we have to be "approved to adopt" and they will have had to pay for it all where as we didnt as we are adopting in the UK-also the process including matching can take the same amount if not less time then adopting abroad- for us its been under 18months from start to our 2 moving in.

Massive hugs all round

xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello friends,

I hope you all realise i am not "anti- adoption" either. It is a great opportunity to find happiness for the children involved.

However, it is not the simple or only way forward for people who have faced IF.

For the adoptive parents, it can bring joy. However beforehand they have to feel strong enough to deal with the approval process and the possibility of rejection.  If they are accepted they may need to cope with helping a child who may be traumatised. Post IF this can be a daunting possibility.

As has been clearly explained, adoption is about finding a suitable family for a child, not about helping IF people to have children. Thus people who would have happily and successfully brought up their own birth children were it not for IF could be turned down for adoption, or could find out that it is not what they are looking for. That is why adoption cannot be seen as an easy alternative to IF.

Adoption social workers can be supportive to those applicants who look likely to fit the bill, and will be supportive once the adoption  is arranged.  But I believe that if a (single or couple) applicant starts to seem unsuitable or begins to have serious doubts, there is little support within the system to deal with either deciding it is not an option or to be rejected.Consequently people exploring adopion may benefit from support outside of the formal system.

Something that has not been mentioned here is that many IF couples know of reasons they could  be turned down for adoption: they may know they have not yet come to terms with IF or one or other partner could have a record of poor mental health or a criminal conviction. These factors might not have stopped them becoming successfull birth parents, but could lead to rejection as adoptive parents as the social workers are naturally looking for low risk placements. People who think they may fall into these categories need a lot of support before they approach the adoption system.

Wishing the best of luck to FF on the adoption path, and with all respect for those who know it is not an option for them.

Love Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Well said jq - it's not an easy decision by any means but for me it is necessary for my sanity for one thing.
But I'd just like to remind others of what board we are on. I started this thread because I needed support. I do not appreciate being preached at about adoption. I would never dream of going on to the adoption board and ruminating on the outrageous possibility that there might just be a life - and a fulfilling one - without children. I wouldn't do it cos it would not be supportive to women on that board who are going through the process of adoption. Likewise, I'd like some consideration.
Bernie


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

i hope ive not upset anybody with my previous postings, i am a little niave (if thats how you spell it  )

and i wish everyone future happiness in whatever paths they choose


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## Mel (Jan 1, 2002)

This topic is now closed.

Thank you to everyone for your opinions and feedback.

Mel
x​


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