# new and scared



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi, hope this I am doing this right, I have been reading this site for weeks now and just reading the posts has made me realise I am not on my own even though it feels like it, anyway I have now decided to post as I am scared and maybe this will help. 
We have been trying to concieve for 18 months now went to docs a couple of months ago, he suggested the usual tests, I came back with high prolactin which can be sorted DP came back 0 sperm, we had a feeling something might be wrong but not 0, we thought maybe low count. When he was younger about 12 he twisted his testicles twice in one year and had to have two opps on them so thought that may affect as so did our GP, he thought they may be blocked.

Anyway just been to see Uroglogist who said everything feels fine, right size and he could feel the vac tube's so didn't think the opps were the problem it could just be he doesn't produce sperm, this has hit us for six, we wish he has said they were blocked, how can he be so unlucky to have these opps and them not be the reason !!! just feel so gutted, scared and sad for him and me, will we be the lonley old couple who watches our friends and family have kids and never have any of our own !! I can't imagine not seeing what ours would look like, he has had blood tests and another semen test, waiting for the results then maybe a scan and then he mentioned referring us to leeds who would know more and a bisopy maybe.

What if we can do nothing and this is it, will we get through it as a couple, will I feel bitter as I am ok and he isn't we are so happy this could change us now. Sorry to sound so dramatic but I am so scared of thinking too much and saying too much as I feel like I am going to go under. Just hope these tests show something positive but for some reason I don't have a good feeling.

sorry this is a long one just needed to get things out.

ceclia xxx


----------



## carole (Jul 21, 2003)

Hi Cecila 

Welcome to FF.

My DH also had 0 sperm. He had an accident with a rope swing when he was about 14, twisted his bits and had a testicle removed. Ouch. Had no idea till we started TTC though that he couldn't have children naturally. Big shock.

Dh had an op to remove sperm which was then stored. After a few attempts at ICSI we now have Robert who is nearly two - so it does work!

I really hope you have good results from the docs, but your story sounds remarkably similar to ours!

Good luck!

Love from Carole

xxx


----------



## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

and Welcome to FF Cecila  
What an absoulte blow for you both 

I think your reactions and worries are normal, at this stage,
but you need to take it one step at a time, from apointment to appointment, day by day.
keep talking to each other and don't assume the worst 

There are other women here (and men) who can reasure and support you as you go,
I will leave a link or two for you, 
but please post here and let us know how you get on.
Male factors in infertility board click here

Anyone using donor sperm click here

Wishing you lots of   &  

 ~Dizzi~


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

thanks so much for you both for replying to me, I feel better already and maybe a bit more hopeful after hearing how similar your situation is to ours, I read back over what I had wrote and thought how selfish I sounded just on about me and how I feel, how must my poor DP be feeling, he doesn't open up much but I know this has gutted him, he is out with the lads tonight to watch the footy so hopefully he might chat to them about it they know what has been going on.
thanks again and thanks for the advice to take each day at a time, i wish I had posted earlier it does make you feel better to know you aren't really alone and when you see how strong and positive the people on here are it makes me want to be the same
will keep you posted, thanks again

xxxx


----------



## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Cecila 
how you have posted is honest - and thats not a bad thing - we are human, dont worry about what youve written, you sound like a woman who's being put through the wringer at the moment, and sometimes you just have to be a little selfish in your thoughts!

not sure Ive said this right - its getting late 
just keep posting, or pop into the chatroom for some live feedback  

Take care stay strong

~Dizzi~


----------



## Alley (Aug 13, 2006)

Hi Cecelia

I know how you are feeling. We have sperm in the single figures - less than 8 in our first ICSI cycle. I know this mathematically is infinitely more that zero, but its very hard for us, the quality is poor, and the consultant shook his head and said 'I;ve never seen it work with people with results as bad as yours'. We were totally floored by this. Months on, we are exploring the cause - but we ploughed ahead with ICSI in case those few disappeared.  

I hope you will find a way to surgical retrieval or something.

I understand your worries about feelings too, possible resentment. I have been dealing with this situation (badly sometimes) for a while. I don't blame DH or resent him, but like you realise I may never see his son or daughter. This bothers me more than never seeing my own.  He has more issues with it than I do- the guilt is enormous. I think this is becasue I want to find a solution somehow, even if its adoption ultimatley.

Anyway, be strong, stay close with DH, and know that you are not alone in how you feel.

Take care 

Alley x


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi Alley,

Sorry to hear about what you have been through so far, you seem so positive and stong, not ready to give up - I hope I can be like you, this might sound bad in a way but it might of been easier if there was something up with both of us so none of these feelings would be in my head, I love my DP more than anything and after growing up together we had been through so much, I just didn't think we would have to get through this, suppose no-one thinks they will when they start out. 

I know what you mean when I think that maybe I will never seeing what our child will look like I think more of never seeing DP in it and is the worst, if that makes sense. I just hope we can be strong and not blame each other and change how we are with each other, at the end of the day I didn't fall in love with him and stay with him just to have kids, I would rather have none and be with him than not with him, and from now on positive thoughts and not too much thinking it can drive you mad, and only go day to day which is the best advice I could of been given. 

Hope things look up for you soon - and for everyone on here tonight xxxx

thanks again to everyone who replied to me, off to bed now feeling better and not so alone.


----------



## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Morning Cecelia

Hope a good night sleep has left you feeling stronger and more in control of the situation.
your never alone on FF even in the middle of the night there is someone about!

take care

~Dizzi~


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi Dizzi,

Thanks I do feel loads better today, was a bit of a mad woman last night, everything got on top of me a bit but this site and all of the replies and advice was just what I needed and no doubt will need loads more in the future, I thank my lucky stars I found it. 

Was telling my mam about it this morning on the phone and as me and DP live away from all our familiy due to his work she was so happy that I feel better and have found some "new friends" who I can talk too.

Hope things are going ok for you have just read about your situation at the bottom of your posts, makes me a bit embarrased to be acting this way so soon in the process, got eveything crossed for you.

thanks
cecila xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi cecila

Welcome to FF!

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, we are also suffering male factor problems and it does knock you for six. When we first found out I also like you, wondered would I feel bitter, would we stick together, would it ruin what we had and oh so many more questions as I'm sure you have too!

12 months on and waiting to start our first ICSI I can honestly say I dont feel at all bitter towards my dh, I view it as a joint problem completely. I wouldn't want children with anyone other than him, so it doesn't even enter my head to think "what if" anymore. You will be fine and your relationship will be fine too.

I have written a Relationship Survival Guide for IF and you could have a read through that for some ideas of how to cope as a couple. I've left you the link below:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=69710.0

Good Luck Hun and try to keep this manageable, if you look at the whole big picture it's too much to handle, so just focus on one step at a time!

Take Care

Amanda xxx


----------



## Flaming Nora (Oct 3, 2006)

MandyB1971 said:


> Hi cecila
> 
> Welcome to FF!
> 
> ...


That is a great link and great advice Amanda !


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

thanks Amanda for the good adivce, I felt so guilty thinking all those thoughts but suppose everyone in our situation must go through a whole load of emotions, but your right and I feel it too that I wouldn't never want to have kids with anyone else so we have to work through this together. It is a joint problem not just my DP's problem it could of so easily been me and not him. 
In my head I feel better already because of all the help and advice since last night and want to support my DP and make sure he knows no matter what happens we are in this together and will stick togther and I love him to bits.
I can't get onto that link it says it is missing or I am not allowed to get onto it, going to try again tonight when get in from work - thanks for posting it for me.
take care all - cecila xxxxxx


----------



## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

cecelia 
the link requires a certain number of posts before you can see it  

maybe mandy can send you a pm of the info 

hope this helps.

~Dizzi~


----------



## Debbie1234 (Aug 1, 2006)

Hi Cecila,

I can see that you have already had loads of replies and I hope they have helped. You really arent alone.

I too have had all those emotions and I too thought I must be a bad person for feeling them but I think its just a natural reaction when your world comes crashing down around you. Lets face it, we never really think these things happen to us - its always other people right!

I am sooo sorry to hear that your DH has 0 sperm - that must be such a hard blow to take. My DH came back with 5% normal sperm and that knocked us both off our feet.

I am also constantly worried about whether we will be able to weather the highs and lows to come, but I suppose we all just have to be strong and I am sure you will get through this together whatever the outcome as a stronger and more loving couple.

You have done the right thing by coming here. Everyone is so kind and it makes you realise you are never alone.

Take care and try to stay positive. Sending big  

Debbie
x


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi Debbie,

I know it amazing how many people have answered - I appreciate all of them so much. 

It is such a shock, your right you always think big life changing things like this only happen to other people !! 

Sorry to hear about your DH, sounds like you are strong and getting through it together, and glad to hear my mad thoughts last night are not unusual, maybe we have to go through all these thoughts to get them out of the way and to move on a bit.

hope things look up for you two soon 

Cecila xx


----------



## Debbie1234 (Aug 1, 2006)

Hi Cecilia,

Hehe glad I come across as strong - my poor DH might tend to disagree when he gets me on a bad day  

No, I suppose if you cant keep your humour then you are bu**ered so try my best to keep positive. And its always a reality check coming on this site because there is always some else out there with bigger problems than you - can be quite humbling at times actually.

My DH and I have had some problems since we got "that news" but I think we are pulling together now rather than away from each other so things are looking up. I think as long as you realise that all the emotions you are feeling are normal then you are able to work through it.

Feel free to contact me if you are ever feeling low or just need a rant - it definitely has helped me over the last few months!!!

Take care,

Debbie
x


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Yes.. Sorry Cecila.. Slight technical oversight on my part there hun!!  

I'm completely rubbish on a computer so I dont always think about stuff like that.   I'll send you a pm with the information in it. 

Amandaxxx


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

Debbie thanks for the offer of a rant, will take you up on that, and any time you want a rant to me aswell be my guest, glad you are DH are working through everything together now, no doubt we will too once we have accepted things and like people have said on here we will end up stronger and more in love and I hope you and your DH do too, am sure you will.
take care
xx


----------



## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi cecila and welcome to the site 

U are definitly not alone in how u feel and its not wrong to feel selfish over anything.

I hope u can find some advice and support on this site - it has been a god send to me and many others.

Infertility does have a strong effect on your relationship as it can either make u or break u.

Good luck with everything

Kate xx​


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi Kate,

Thanks for the welcome definately a god send this site, even if I seem to on it more than I am working !!! but so what more important things than work !! and good luck on the 18th and with your nursing exam.

take care - cecila xxxx


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi again,

Just a quick question to anyone really, is it ok if I just hang around on this part of the site for now or should I be posting somewhere else ?? don't want to clog things up for other newbies !!

thanks
cecila


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Just have a look around Cecila, you are welcome to post where you want hun.  If you feel happier "cutting your teeth" in here until you feel comfortable with how it all works then that's fine.   But remember there's loads of other information about which might be helpful to you if you feel brave enough to venture off this board! 

See how you feel and do what you're happy with 

Amandaxxx


----------



## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Cecelia
As mandy says - you stay here as long as you wish, but there are others areas of the site you may wish to vebture onto
Male factors in infertility board click here

There is also the "social boards" 
where you can find jokes, games, chatter, and hobbies!
Heres the link
Click here for Girl & Boy talk

Check out the Index page scroll down to the bottom, you will see who's online, who's in chat, events on the calender plus every board on the site! and everything is clickable - just roll your mouse over!
the pink hearts mean something new has been posted since you last looked!
And finaly
Heres a Link to take you into the Chat room


~Dizzi~


----------



## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

cecila have a look around and see which board is best for u hun 

I spend too much time on this site - my hubby feels neglected!

Kate xx​


----------



## cecila (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi,

Thanks for all the links etc, think I might have a bit of a look about now that I know more about the site. Hope you are all well enjoying your weekend !!

I am ok just paid out £650 on vets bills as have a bit of a poorly dog !!! so has taken my mind off things for a bit !!! couldn't believe it when she handed me the bill !!! so taking care of our hairy baby this weekend should keep me occupied.

Take care all and enjoy the rest of the weekend.

cecila xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi cecila 

I hope u have found your way around the site ok?

Wow thats a lot for vets bills! Hope your dog is ok?

Kate xx​


----------



## trish13 (Oct 16, 2006)

Hi Cecilia

I have just joined this site and and know very little about it, but i really feel for you 
and want to wish you luck for your tests and just by joining this site I know you'll have lots of support
and knowledge passed on to you
Trish13xxxxxxx


----------

