# Sticky  Infertility Etiquette - send this to your friends and family?



## JasmineX

Hi everyone

I found this browsing around the net..I think its brilliant as something to paste into an e-mail and send to people who are telling you to "just relax" after another devastating BFN.



Jasmine
X

Infertility Etiquette :

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

/links


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## Suejane2

Hi ladies,

Hi Jasmine,

Like it!!

But maybe there is also another factor that is sometimes forgotten . . . . . . . . . . . .

_"Remember Them on Father's Day

With all of the activity on Father's Day, people tend to forget about blokes who cannot become dads. Father's Day can also be a painful time for infertile men. You cannot get away from it - there are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating parenthood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own dad and family.

Father's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that my OH is a dad. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for our baby. Remember your infertile friends on Father's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them."_

What do you think?

Suejane
xxx


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## roxcooper

Hi Ladies,

People can be so hurtful without even meaning too..more of them should know how much it hurts inside!

xxx


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## Han72

Hi Jasmine and thank you for posting this excellent article. However, due to copyright reasons we aren't permitted to copy and paste the entire content of another webpage on FF, so  I've replaced the text with a link to the original website. I hope you don't mind and I hope everyone finds the information as helpful as I did, just wish I'd found something like this to send to people when I first started this loooong journey!

xxx


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## JasmineX

Thanks Han - I wasn't too sure, so thanks for putting the link in instead. I have also included it in my diary - does that need to be replaced with the link aswell?

SueJane - I agree people should also consider our OHs and DHs but I think my DH would be v upset if someone sent him a card to say they were thinking of him, kind of rubs it in, for a man?  I think the main thing for men is that people are sensitive around it and don't make dumb comments   

Jasmine
X


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## Suejane2

Yeah, you're right in that sense JasmineX. I think I was just feeling how much it can affect us all, including blokes, and you've probably guessed that my OH is right in there with me! We so, soooooooo much want this to happen this time.   I was agreeing with you . . . . . but I do think blokes can also be hurt by the dumb comments which the article covers really well. It can be so disrespectful. We have learned to be very discreet about what we are doing. I'm going for my 2nd scan at 11.30 tomorrow, even although it is only 8 weeks, because of the bleeding around 3 weeks ago.


Suejane
xxx


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## Mrs Billy

Thanks for posting that link... I need to send that bit about don't tell them to relax to our first fertility consultant who said to me "just relax" I wanted to punch him


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## ♥MillyMax♥

Thank you for sharing  

Like Han said (  honey) I wish I had had something like this to send to family/friends during our very long journey but wanted to add that after that long journey we are now just over 6mths pg following DEIVF and regarding the Fathers Day reference - my official test day was the day after this year Fathers Day but tested a day earlier on Fathers Day 19th June  & hopeful that all my symptoms and feeling really were real and not drugs masking things and gave my DH and Dad the best Fathers Day pressie  

  to you all

MM
 x


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## Han72

OMG Milliieeeeee!!! 26 weeks, where the hell does the time go?!  So happy for you gorgeous girl  

SJ -  for your scan honey!

Mrs Billy - go on thump him, I'll hold yer coat!  Fabby crop there hon, sending you loads of  that they all continue to develop and you get lots of lovely perfect blasts to freeze and transfer!

Jasmine hon, yes please that'd be great if you could edit your diary too.  Don't worry if you can't do it, you can ask the volunteer on the diary section to do it for you if necessary 

Love to all!

xxx


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## shelleysugar

Hi Jasminex
Thank you for this link - I've just bookmarked it.

Shelley x


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## happy...hippo

Thanks for the link.  I just got a bfn to the pain is fresh but it was goot to read it.  So true ...


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## eibhlin

excellent link, thanks so much for that it was exactly what I needed.

Even though we have a fantastic DS (and he was worth all the morning sickness and I think I do owe my left arm and right big toe with all the bargaining with God over the years) I'm still not able to have a baby the usual way, and need help (considerable help) as in our case we have reasons (too many bloomin reasons if you ask me!) why we were diagnosed as being infertile, and even still every month I hope and am sad when AF comes to visit! 

But it was exactly what I needed to read on behalf of all my friends, colleagues, acquaintances and anyone I come into contact with who is dealing with infertility, as reading this reminds me how painful and hurtful well meant awkward comments can be and might make me remove my toes from my mouth if I feel like making one.

So many of us have to journey this often bitterly lonely and sad, so sad, road, and tbh it is awful except for two things.  One is that even though we're lonely there is so much compassion, empathy and kindness amongst the IF community.  And two is that whenever an IF baby joins h(is)er new family, regardless of their journey into it, they are the most loved and wanted and minded precious babies with the most gentle and adoring parents.  

xox


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## EmmaWaitsPatiently

Thanks for that. I've sent to some family and friends. Hope they're not offended! The only thing I would add is: "don't complain about your children" to mothers. There's nothing worse than a new mum complaining to their infertile friend about sleepless nights...so insensitive!


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## happy...hippo

and dont show us picures of newborns in your family!  especially if you know we have just had ivf - and failed. 

happened to me at work today - great experience.  and the stories about how perfect the birth was...!  and i had to stand and pretend its not killing me!


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## SoldiersWife

Hi ladies, 

I read this thread and had to tell you about the most insensitive thing that jas been said to me. It came from my boss when I asked if I would be able to take upaid leave during my treatment, the reply to this question was " I dont think so, thats like me saying I need to go home early everyday to have sex with my wife..."

How is there ANY similarity?  He already has children and he knows that conceiving naturally is not possible for me. 

Grrr if I didn't want a family so much I'd be in Wormwood Scrubs by now.


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## happy...hippo

Hi

I cant believe what I have just read. I do not know if you want to take it any further but I am actually in HR and this is an offencive comment which could be complaint about - one could see is as indirrect sex discrimination or simply harassment. Let me know if you need help. 

This is fron a government website:
_Having a child through IVF (in vitro fertilisation)
It is unlawful sex discrimination for employers to treat a woman less favourably because she is undergoing IVF treatment or intends to become pregnant. You will be entitled to paid time off for antenatal care only after the fertilised embryo has been implanted._


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## SoldiersWife

Thanks Happy!

I was outraged at the time but now I realise that he's just an ignorant little man who likes to think he knows best. He's the kind of person who, if you have a problem, he has always had worse.

I made a formal complaint to our MD and my request for unpaid leave has been granted. My MD also said that I should make all requests for time off for hospital appointments etc to him and he will approve them.
So my waste of DNA boss will just have to suck it up


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## JasmineX

Very glad to read that, Soldier's Wife!

This journey is hard enough without having to deal with idiots like that aswell   

 

Jasmine
X


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## BiddyBaby

Hello, 

This is my first time in this chat room. I was moved to come on here by an experience I had at work yesterday which I guess would qualify as poor 'infertility etiquette' by my manager. I am on Day 2 of the down regulation phase of my first IVF cycle. I have such a long way to go, but I have already been through so much over the past year, during which time my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia and myself with low ovarian reserve. 

I work in paediatrics and have found this a huge strain. Over the past year I have always communicated with my manager about the trauma associated with my situation. Consequently I was utterly shocked, devastated, angry and humiliated yesterday when she announced her pregnancy at the start of a team meeting. I was then forced to sit beside her through the two and a half hour meeting. 

I have not gone to work today as I feel completely traumatised by the events of yesterday. 

I am scared, angry and sick about having to go back to work, especially as I work through IVF for the very first time. Any suggestions? Has anyone else had to cope with insensitive, inconsiderate bosses at work? How on earth will I ever get through this? 

Thank you


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## JasmineX

BiddyBaby
I'm so sorry to hear that, it must have been awful. No wonder you took time out - good for you.
Yes, many of us have been through similar. I remember going out to dinner with a couple who decided to announce their pregnancy in the middle of dinner. I swear I nearly choked on my food and was so close to running out of the restaurant. But no, I sat there like an idiot, trying to smile and be happy, when all I felt was total devastation and misery.
My brother also announced his pregnancy at a family party, two months after another failed treatment, and I honestly thought "WTF?!". How can people be so insensitive?
This was a really mean thing for your boss to do, given your situation. I would suggest writing her an e-mail telling her how you feel, but this depends on whether she might turn around and accuse you of being selfish, or genuinely get how insensitive she was. Alternatively, politely tell her you are very pleased for her but it is difficult subject for you at the moment and you would appreciate it, if she could be more sensitive around you.
Best of luck, you are not alone going through this. Everything crossed for you on this cycle.  
Jasmine
X


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## JasmineX

PS I also ended up sending an e-mail to my close friends telling them all to please be sensitive around me and not mention the subject of pregnancy or ask me questions about my treatment. It worked, got some really nice replies, and it kept me sane!


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## BiddyBaby

Dear Jasmine, 

Thank you so much for your replies. I have decided to take your advice and write an email to my manager. I've been careful to make it calm and rational... but yes, WTF indeed! all i could think in my head was 'are you nuts, you insensitive cow??!'  

thanks for the well wishes for this cycle. hope you are going well x


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## Vickytick

OMG I do wish I'd found this earlier it would've saved me a lot of heartache. My dh actually had his friend apologise for telling u to relax it will happen. Think 3 years 2 mc and 2 failed IVF might have convinced people we are not making our fertility issues up!!! Still people don't understand though and it's hard. Xx


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## Tinks01

I also wish I had found this thread earlier too! 

I have really struggled over the past couple of years. Each of my friends and my SIL has either just had a baby or is currently pregnant. 

When we first embarked on IVF, we decided that we would tell family and close friends, more for the support than anything else really. I wish we had never said a word. We found that people asked about the IVF all the time - but weren't listening when we answered them. It made me really sad at the time, like they felt like they had to ask but had no interest in understanding the answer. 

We got our BFP at the end of the cycle and on the day after our MC at 6 weeks, I received an email from one of my best friends to tell me that 'I know it's a bad time but I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant!'. You can imagine how I felt. I really tried to be happy, I truly did but I know that she told me about her pregnancy to get it of her chest because of what we had just been through and she didn't want me to find out another way. As you can imagine, it hurt. 

We decided that before we would try again we would get married. I asked my SIL and my two best friends to be my bridesmaids. They all accepted and within a couple of months I had my SIL and a week after, my best friend in tears at my front door telling me they were pregnant and due the week before my wedding! For my hen do, we arranged to go to a spa and a night out. Out of the 9 of us that went 4 of them told me the day before that they were pregnant. All the others, apart from one other, had children so there was a lot of baby talk going on. I got through it. The thing is, I don't begrudge anyone having a baby, it's the best thing in the world and it's what my husband and I want more than anything but sometimes I think people forget how you feel. I'm not sure if they think that it gets less painful as time goes on or if you just move on and forget about it. But as you all know it doesn't get less painful and you certainly don't forget about it. 

Now my friends with Children/babies meet up together and go for days out, and to baby fairs and meet regularly for lunch etc. Since we returned from our honeymoon everytime we have seen friends, after a while they all ask the same question: "So, have you thought about IVF again?" And it hurts because I feel like without babies of my own I am no longer part of their group and couldn't possibly know what being a parent is like. The last peice of advice I received from my best friend, who has two naturally conceived children? "I think you have to go into IVF thinking that it isn't going to work. It's the only way to get through it". 'speechless' 


Which is why this time round we haven't told a soul about our attempt. I think friends mean well, I know they do, but I think they are just ignorant towards infertility, as we all know, unless you have experienced it, you don't know how it feels. Not telling anyone this time round is definitely less stressful. 

Jenny xx


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## eibhlin

Jenny (aka Tinks01)

Aw, your post had me in tears. Sending you a loadof hugs:

   

What a heartfelt and honest post, you've really had a rough time. It really suck, suck, sucks and people don't have a clue do they. All my very best wishes that this cycle brings you the much loved baba who you deserve to meet sooner rather than later!

Loads of babydust and sticky vibes


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## Daddyboo (Paul)

Suejane2 said:


> _"Remember Them on Father's Day
> 
> With all of the activity on Father's Day, people tend to forget about blokes who cannot become dads. Father's Day can also be a painful time for infertile men. You cannot get away from it - there are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating parenthood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own dad and family.
> 
> Father's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that my OH is a dad. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for our baby. Remember your infertile friends on Father's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them."_


Thank you for this, you've just brightened up Christmas Eve for me


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## Nannyjack

This reply is coming from a completely different prospective! Sorry if I ramble on a bit, but I would be grateful of some advice. My daughter has 4 beautiful children, and my son & daughter in law have been TTC (I'm picking all the lingo up)! for 10 Years my DIL has been diagnosed with Endo.They have had IVF twice? Once on the NHS, and once self funded, both times my DIL became pregnant but sadly miscarried at around 8 weeks, then to our amazement DIL fell 
pregnant naturally, we were all overjoyed!! unfortunately she again miscarried! We were all devastated!! She has had two laproscapies? The last one about 6 months ago!! Which resulted in DIL having one tube removed. I feel that they have both (Son & DIL) have been pushed from 'pillar to post' (IVF was at Guys). They have now been told to have IVF again but this time at ARGC? as they have such good results. They had chromosome? testing carried out 12 weeks ago (The results was a 10 week wait) Only to be told on their appointment date, that sorry we don't do those tests anymore!!
My point in all this is, I love my children more than life itself( as we all do), and we as a family, give them all the love and support that we can, we try to keep them positive and pray that they will be blessed!! I try to be a 'sensitive' as I can, and stay 'focused' but inside my heart is breaking for them!! My point is that for all you beautiful ladies & (men) that are 'struggling' there are lots of worried mums & dads of your own that are feeling it all with you. Any advice would be helpful.


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## yogabunny

Nannyjack, 
what a lovely mum and nanny you are, the fact that you are on here asking questions is just fantastic of you. I don't have the answers as we are all so different, but I know my Mum struggles with wanting to take away the pain from me. The best thing she does for me is to try and take my lead on talking or not talking about it. It is so all consuming, it can be nice to have a break and feel valued for being ourselves rather than our ability to give grandchildren. I do really enjoy doing child free things with Mum and Dad, and be able to enjoy their company, even though we also do lots with niece and nephew too. It makes me feel less panicked about not being able to have a family of my own, that we have a lovely relationship, with other things that bring us joy - if taht makes sense?

At other times, it is lovely to talk through all the details with her and get things off my chest, with someone I know who won't find it boring or think i am obsessive. 

I know your son and DIL will be bombarded by all the options and what to do next for the best. Just to share what I have been offered...At the moment I have had enough of all the appointments etc. But I have been offered a consultant appointment with the NHS miscarriage clinic from our early pregnancy unit, I will be calling them soon when I have the energy! as I have managed to bypass the tube issue I have with IVF and also an amazing miracle, but still lose pregnancies also. I have also been advised to have a hysto, to check out my uterus and see if there is any scarring there that is messing with everything. Plus a check of DH sperm for fragmentation? I am currently just giving myself a rest and doing alternative therapies... 

Sending you some love, as I know it is hard for families too    xxxx


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## Nannyjack

Hello Yoga bunny!! What a lovely daughter you are!! I have told my DIL to log onto this site, as it is nice to 'chat' to people that understand what you are going through, and assure you are not alone!! & most of all knowledge is power!! As a mum myself , who's love is unconditional, we just want our children to be happy!! As you say if we could take away the pain we would!! Son & DIL are fantastic 'Auntie' & 'Uncle' our grandchildren adore them both!! So yes we do all enjoy that time together!!
I am sure it will happen for you,stay close to your mum, we will always be there regardless. Sending hugs to you too


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## Snave78

Nannyjack i cried when i read your post because i Know my mother and MIL feel the same way, and when i am with anyone of my four nephews they give me the look that says if they could take away my pain they would without hesitation  (mum is great at taking her cue from me, MIL surprised me by being more upset than me when i had a m/c!) 

You are such a wonderful mum to come onto a site like this and. Cannot imagine anything you do/say is wrong because it obviously comes from your heart. Sorry if thts not much advice but the fact that you have sought advice is a show of your love and pain for them. 


Snave


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## Miss pooh

I really enjoyed reading this. It did strike a few chords with us and also the other suggestions people have made in their replies. 

The issue here is people don't know what to say. My experience is they either don't talk about it or ask about it at all( giving the impression they don't want to) or say something stupid and insensitive ( innocently). I understand there are those who jump in feet first with the inappropriate comments but not had anything too wild....yet thankfully. for example " surely there is some advanced treatment like in America or somewhere??" Yes because the US can cure genetic problems.  

I struggle sometime when I want to talk about things and all you get is silence....it creates an atmosphere and is clear they simply don't know what to say. However I think it will use this link, add in the other suggestions and I am buying some " telling and talking books" for us and for family as we are using donor sperm. It creates a whole other difficult conversation to have, but at the end of the day, as a couple we have decided to be open and honest about it, educate our closest family and friends so that they are fully aware. 

Xx


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## annasss

JasmineX said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> I found this browsing around the net..I think its brilliant as something to paste into an e-mail and send to people who are telling you to "just relax" after another devastating BFN.
> 
> 
> 
> Jasmine
> X
> 
> Infertility Etiquette :
> 
> http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
> 
> /links


Hi, thank you for posting a link here. I found this information is very useful. Now, I'm opting for a de ivf and need to overcome with lots of people who are interested in my journey. 
Sometimes it takes a lot of time and nerves to explain other why you opted for this. They do not understand that you can not conceive naturally and your last way out is a reproductive medicine. 
I wish I could be pregnant by myself.


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## chini

Thanks for sharing the link.

However I wanted to let you (or the moderators?) know that the link in the initial post isn't working any more, and the article has now been moved into here:
https://resolve.org/support/for-friends-and-family/

Maybe someone can fix the link in the first post? <3


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