# Newbie - Does anyone else feel like they're going crazy..?



## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

A huge hello to friends I'm yet to know.. 

You guys have already been a MASSIVE help and support though messages I've read. After a particularly 'interesting' weekend I thought I'd take the plunge and really become a part of FF - I'm a forum/blogging etc virgin so please bear with me! 

My story began in 2005 - undiagnosed ovarian cyst at 25 led to 1 ovary and tube being removed. 2 years later after lots of pain I had a laproscopy to remove lots of adhesions. Painfree for a few years all seemed ok... then the pain came back. Back and forth to various Gynae's and told all was ok. I've been paranoid about my fertility since the original op but not being in the right relationship meant I was in no place to try for my 1 true dream. 

Fastforward to 2017... after 2 years with no bump, and my history we went for advise. Being convinced I was the problem tests surprisingly came back fine but IVF was suggested. I was distraught - at the time it seems so scientific, final and invasive. That faded and was super positive instead. 1st IVF scan they found a suspected Hydrosalpinx that was confirmed by a (painful) HSG. Now booked for surgery 03/06 to clip/remove.. I'm SO frustrated with myself that I didn't investigate the pain before but I thought I was saving what I had left - I would put up with pain to not have unnecessary poking around.

i'm trying to feel positive (and you guys are certainly helping) but I can't help feeling so broken.. my reproductive organs are slowly depleting and... I'm lost for words. not helped by PMT this weekend and the thought that this is the LAST time I could ever get pregnant naturally.

Has anyone else been in this situation? In general, do you feel like this whole process is a rollercoaster? I feel I should be happy to live in a time/country where this is possible.. and sometimes I do... and most times I am so positive... but other times I just crash and feel so lost, like I don't even know myself.. 

For a first post I think that's more than enough - sorry for the essay! 

Thank you in advance to anyone that takes the time to read this post.. and even more to the responses. 

Kisses hugs and luck to everyone out there

xxx


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

Didn't want to read & run!

Sounds like you have had a very tough journey, big hugs to you! 

How you are feeling is completely natural! You have positive days and days you feel like crying forever & the just negative thoughts! Allow yourself to feel this way & don't feel bad for that. This process is most definitely a roller coaster! I know earlier this year when I got pregnant I was on the highest high, to lose it & hit rock bottom. Now back to cycling again and trying to be positive, I'm up & down, rollercoaster being the best description! 
One piece of advise my acupuncturist gave me, start a journal, in there write down positives of why you will get pregnant, and keep referring to this. She said during this journey we need to have this positive affirmation, and stay in the current, however we as humans look back or forwards focusing often on negatives. May help you? And if you haven't tried acupuncture id recommend, it honestly keeps me calm during this madness xx


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## BB41 (Nov 16, 2016)

Hello, just wanted to recommend a good book 'IVF An Emotional Companion' - you can find on Amazon. Each chapter is by a different woman who has had ivf, all with very different perspectives. Some great stories of success against the odds and also acceptance/alternative routes to parenthood. I read it before I started my treatment and found it very helpful. It's good to know you are not alone and all your feelings are normal. One of the chapters is by a woman who had her tubes removed and she talks about the added difficulty of that and knowing there is 0 chance of natural conception. She got her family and I hope you get yours- x


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Thank you both so very much for your kind and supportive words. They've brought tears to my eyes. . It's so good to know I'm not alone and still (relatively) normal to be struggling with all of this.

Teammonkey, thank you so much for your honesty and support. I love the idea of the diary. I've tried to start one but a bit lost for what to write and wanted to keep it positive. Writing why we will get pregnant and referring to that sounds like a great idea 😍I booked this morning to have a  fertility acupuncture session. Looking forward to seeing how that goes. Sounds like you've been on a tough journey too. I wish you all the very very best for this time. 

Thank you BB41 for the book recommendation too - it sounds like it could be useful. I'll hunt it out! 

Big hugs xx


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

I am glad it helped you a little, I think the journal is good because all of these thoughts are running around our minds, and I believe it helps getting them down on paper, for me it sometimes helps me find a positive path, or if not I feel better of getting my anger or anxiety out there. Hope acupuncture helps, I found it really did depend on the person, we tried 2 acupuncturists until I found my current one and wouldnt change now, she does a mini therapy session first which does me the world of good. I haven't had the easiest of years, but I also did have my baby first try, so I know I was so so very lucky, and am obsessed with his little face. I would just love the chance to give him a sibling. I believe this will happen for you, you've just had to take the scenic route


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## annasss (Feb 8, 2017)

Hello dear!!!
I really feel sorry for you. you did a great job, thank you for sharing your painful story. 
I'm sure a lot of nice ladies here will write you words of support as it was to me. I have also posted a few threads. All of them are concerning de ivf. ( we were advised to try this as my ovaries don't produce good quality eggs) honestly we had 2 options but I decided to take one painless and not so stressful)
Anyway, we are happy to see you here with us, sharing your pain. 
xxx and good luck to you


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Teammonkey, it helped alot.. it's so true that the thoughts go running through our minds like bullets. I appreciate mindfulness and I've had someone suggest that we should just acknowledge and let thoughts and feelings pass... true but easier said than done especially when it comes to this subject! I'll try my first acupuncture session tomorrow - will see how it goes but I'm hopeful. You are very lucky to have 1 baby but I can understand (as far as I can) the frustration of wanting to give him a sibling. As females it's something we expect to be natural - we spend years protecting ourselves from it, no?! and when it becomes tough - at any stage - it's really hard. 

Annasss, thank you too for your kind words. I feel so much warmth and support already it's amazing. Joining this group I genuinely has had an impact on me. It so nice not to feel so alone... and in line with my subject... not like I'm going crazy but that these feeling are normal! 

Kisses to all

xxx


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Ps Teammonkey - Especially liked the "scenic route" reference  

xxx


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Welcome to FF White Lotus  

You'll find lots of support and advice here, if there are any particular threads you'd like links to just shout.

lots of luck 

Dory
Xx


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Thank you Dory

So glad to have joined FF and it's so sweet to have been welcomed so nicely! Feeling better already! 



xxx


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

Haha glad you like it! Glass is half full! Xx


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Teammonkey, 
My bookmark list says you've added a message here yesterday but when I click the thread I don't see it - not sure what's happening but wanted to mention incase you did leave a message.. I'm not ignoring you!  
Karen x


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

Haha thanks Karen! Was just a little msg to see how you are getting on? X


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Hi Teammonkey 

Thank you for checking up on me - so kind  After a crazy week this week is seeming much calmer! We went away for the weekend to the countryside. Sometimes a change of scenery can be the best medicine.. I think it was you that mentioned the scenic route?! 

I tried acupuncture btw. The therapist was VERY thorough with his questions   But it seemed really good. Have another session booked this week. 

How are things with you?  

Xx


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

Hi White Lotus, 

Glad you had a nice weekend, it really does make the difference! Yes it was me who mentioned the scenic route  I am too taking that route, I feel this year is just treatment treatment treatment and my body is not happy! I am bursting out of my clothes, even though I am working out regularly, but my body is holding onto the chub following my miscarriage, and I am now cycling again so I think I have to accept this is my fat year  

Ooh glad you enjoyed acupuncture, I fall asleep in mine now   But I think it really helps with the stress of this journey xx

I am feeling ever so tired, as I am week into down regulation, but just hoping AF isnt too late, so I can move onto stims and get this done, I am feeling quite fed up of all the drugs and hormones after the year I have had xx


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Hi Teammonkey

It does sound like you've had a really tough time   All of this is really tough, physically and emotionally - with the treatment and desire for the end result. There's so many ups and downs and we try and be superwoman but sometimes (often!) it just doesn't work. I try and practice mindfulness and find that really helps to calm me. But when you're in the middle of the storm I guess we just have to try not to be hard on ourselves and let our body / mind do what it needs to to survive. Don't worry about the weight.. it's internal hugs! You've gone through such a lot, be kind to yourself xxx

I was too nervous about all the acupuncture needles to sleep but I can imagine! I sometimes have reflexology and that ALWAYS makes me sleep. I normally wake myself up snoring!   hahaha! 

Big hugs 
Xxxx


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

This is turning into a lovely supportive thread so I'm going to pop it across to the coping with infertility section so you can continue chatting   x


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

Thanks Dory 

It's been really tough, I'm just hating how exhausted my body is feeling from all this, before Christmas I was in a great place, weugggvtrainjng at the gym, felt strong, healthy and trim! Now a bloated mess  but like you say I need to be kind to myself! We do put ourselves through a lot don't we?

Haha you'll be sleeping through it before you know it! 

How are you feeling in yourself now? I've just started medicating again which I love xx

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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Thanks Dory!  

Teammonkey, you're right we put ourselves through so much and, don't you find it's so hard to control how we feel or explain to anyone? I'm so emotional anyway and this whole process is exaggerating that x1000! It really is a rollercoaster... happy - positive - vulnerable - angry - frustrated - hopeful... and everything in between (possibly all in 1 day too?!) This forum really helps to not feel so alone. Loneliness is the hardest thing otherwise

I'm more or less ok. Have the Hydrosalpinx op this Saturday and not looking forward to that for all sorts of reasons :-( but I understand it's a necessary evil that has to be done and I'm trying to stay positive.. really trying hard! 

Have the acupuncture again this evening. Let's see if I sleep this time! 

How's your week going? 

xxx


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## teammonkey (Apr 19, 2014)

Hi white lotus,
You are so right what you say about emotions, and things being out of our control. I'm in that place right now! My AF has gone missing on DR & it's left me feeling so helpless & emotional. I'm not a crier but have cried a few times the past couple of days. And definitely feel so lonely as friends don't understand, & my DH just doesn't get how this is for me! I don't think it's helped, that we met our friends for dinner yesterday, we are off on holiday with them in July. And they are pregnant.. one month of 'trying hard to have lots of sex' I'm so happy for them, but sad for me, & now knowing if my treatment fails I'll be away with them makes this harder. Do I sound selfish? Feel like I'm being. 

How did the acupuncture go? Xx


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Hi Teammonkey

The accupuncture was really good! I didn't fall asleep but it wasn't as sore as last time. I'll def stick with it 
Had the surgery for Hydro on Saturday - now it really is the IVF way or no way. I've been resting lots and somehow feeling relived it's over in someway and we can move on to the next step. 

I can understand your frustration and tears. I find crying can make things feel better.. it seems to be a release somehow. I completely understand the loneliness. That's exactly how I feel in the dark times. It's such a strange place to be in. We spend so long trying not to get pregnant that being in this situation is all upside down and, despite best intentions, no on really understands unless you've been through it.

You don't sound selfish about your friends AT ALL. I would say it's completely normal. Especially when you're going on holiday with them. I imagine part of the intention of the holiday is to get away from reality and you feel the stress and memories will now follow you? Does your friend know about your situation? If not, it might be worth saying. Not to make her feel bad but just for her to be aware and sensitive.. 

Have you read the book "how to cope with IVF"? I can recommend it for kindness, truth and ideas 

Take care of yourself. Big hugs

xxx


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

I'm having "one of those days"... if anyone else happens to read this and you're also having a tough day.. you're not alone!


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## Tootles (May 9, 2017)

Hi White Lotus

I'm right with you. Was having a good day until about an hour ago. Hope you're feeling better. 

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling so annoyed (I'm blaming it on the drugs!!). 

My sister-in-law wants to 'talk' this weekend - I'm waiting for the inevitable news that she is pregnant. As if that's not bad enough, my other sister-in-law now wants to stay over this weekend...with her gorgeous 6 month old baby. 

Both know about the IVF. The one with the baby had hers through IVF. She knows I'm starting stims tomorrow. The last thing I want or need, is to be entertaining them both this weekend.  I just want to be in my own little bubble at the moment and to be able to suit myself if that makes sense.

The worst part is that I'm angry at myself for not just saying 'no' to them both. But then I'd just feel guilty, so I can't win really. 

I know that I'm being unreasonable, and I know that I'm being selfish.... thank goodness for this forum where I can just let off steam!!

Rant over! Sorry about that!


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Hi Tooties

Sorry to hear you were having a bad time. How did the weekend go? I find It's always really hard when there are babies around.. from reading other posts on here lots feel the same. It's the rollercoaster of loving  other people and their super cute babies but wanting to protect yourself. 

How did the talk with the sister in law go? 

Have you started the stims? How are you finding them? 

xxx


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## Tootles (May 9, 2017)

Hi White Lotus 
Thanks so much for the reply.
The weekend was heavy going for me. I felt like the spotlight was on me and I wanted to crawl under a stone a lot of the time. 
But everyone was really nice. The SiL isn't preggers, and I feel so bad for feeling relieved. 
I had a long chat with my other half and we've agreed that we will just politely decline any more visitors while we are going through this. 
It feels so strange but I don't want to talk to people I know about this and that's why this forum is so great! Thanks for the support. It's people like you that are a rock for those like me, having a wobble X


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## White Lotus (May 20, 2017)

Hi Tooties
Sorry to hear the weekend was tough but well done for getting through it  
I completely agree that this forum is great for "talking" when you don't want to talk to people. Thank you for being so kind - we are all rocks for each other. This is a tough time for all and this is a great area to sigh and breathe
Love from a fellow wobbler! 
xx


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Darling it's completely normal to feel this way. I wish i could give you a hug. Infertility is a roller coaster and sadly always happens to the best people


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