# Only at the start but finding it hard.....



## Mrs Battersby (Jan 26, 2015)

My first post! Apologies if I sound a bit depressive........been a hard few months. 

I am 34 (nearly 35), my husband and I have currently been TTC for nearly 2 years. I have never been PG. Nothing seems to be successful. I need to lose 1 stone 7 pounds before the clinic will consider IVF. I have had bloods etc tested - all ok, husband's sperm is fine. I am currently waiting for a lap and dye - will be in a few months, this will be key in my treatment.

I am struggling to cope mentally, I was wondering if anyone has any ideas how to deal with life when children are so central?. I feel lonely - my friends just don't understand. They are caught up in there own life (as I guess they should be), excited about their new families. I am having to distance myself to cope. I am jealous they are all part of a 'click' that I cant be involved in and i am literally the only one that's not a mum. They all walk on egg shells around me that doesnt help.

I'm upset with myself as there is a real chance I did this to myself.My husband just doesn't know what to say/do bless him. Whats worse is we may have to move so will be back to square one with waiting lists. Until we move I cant consider counseling,\i'm trying to focus on my career and losing weight but am tearful all the time.

Think I may have told to much! but just wanted to give a overall picture. If anyone has any ideas on coping I would appreciate it! Thanks in advance.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah, sending you a big   

It can be really hard being in this position, and sometimes the waiting is worse because you don't know what to expect.

Please don't worry and blame yourself, it just makes everything feel worse and isn't productive.

With regards to how to cope, I am currently taking the "keeping busy" approach: night school, sorting the house out, exercise programme etc. It's hard when everyone has children, it's happening to us quite a lot at the minute so I know how you feel. I keep wanting to be honest with people about how I am feeling, but it's a lot easier said than done!

Can you seek counselling through your GP? 

Xxx


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## Mrs Battersby (Jan 26, 2015)

Thank you Cloudy, its so hard as all the things that may be wrong is down to me weight, stress, problems down below! Your right it wont help - need to stop it.

I would most certainly consider counseling but because we are moving in the next few months don't want to get involved and have to move counselor.  Annoyingly my job is working with children which doesn't help, but I think keeping myself busy is a good idea. Try to stop my brain from thinking!

xx


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh honey, I have nothing right with my lady bits so know how you feel   But deffo don't blame stress, if stress was the cause of IF then no babies would have been born  in Palestine, or the Sudan, or Syria etc.

P.s. Thank you for your post tonight, I am struggeling so much with the friends thing but finally took my own advice and sent one a text tonight saying I'm feeling sad. She text me back immediately and arranged to meet up  

Xxx


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## Ms Gnomer (Jan 15, 2015)

Hi *Mrs Battersby*, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling low. I know that you're moving in a few months, but it does seem like you're letting things get on top of you and you need to stop that sooner rather than later if you can. I know you may have to change counsellor, but surely it's best to get started asap to help yourself now, then worry about the future when you get there.

There's no point in blaming yourself at all. There are so many reasons why couples don't manage to conceive. My DH and I have been trying for six years, are both sporty (but cuddly), eat reasonably healthily, etc, and when we were tested they said that there was nothing wrong with either of our reproductive systems. Our inability to become pregnant is simply "unexplained". It's frustrating and we're pretty sure there must be something stopping it happening for us naturally, but stressing over it hasn't helped!

Regarding the weight loss: have you joined a group? I have quite a few friends who have joined various groups and have done really well, but have struggled when they've tried to go it alone. They all seem to prefer different ones, but if you struggle not to get tempted by treats I think it's Slimming World that allows you a certain number of "Syns", so lots of people find it easier to follow at first until they get into it - I think they have a strict and a more relaxed programme you can follow. I have other friends who swear by WeightWatchers and a couple of people go through our local PCT (or whatever they're called now) to a local free session where they also do "Walk for Health" and "Couch to 5km" groups. It's definitely easier if you buddy up with someone. I wonder if you can find someone in a similar situation to you at one of these groups so that you can have make friends with someone outside of your current group who doesn't already have a child?

Also, regarding your friends: have you told them that their treading on eggshells around you is making you feel awkward? I'm sure that if they realised they're making you feel bad they'll act more normally.

Most of all, I just wanted to tell you to keep your chin up and use this forum for some emotional succour. I hope you're feeling happier again soon.


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## Mrs Battersby (Jan 26, 2015)

Cloudy: Oh im glad you have got intouch with a friend and they arranged to meet. When things like that happen in times of stress its amazing! It makes me so angry that some people just dont have bits that work and others who dont care do! Mind you life is like that and I have to put it in perspective i'm healthy ignoring fertility issues.

Ms Gnomer: Thank you so much for your response. I have let it all get to me, however I have pulled myself together now - until the next time. I feel like a emotional rollercoster at the minute. I think I will try and look for a local counsellor just to keep me going day by day but think there is a waiting list locally.

Actually have lost weight in the past with slimming world, following that loosely now but calorie counting. Lost half a stone since start of Jan so far, one and a half stone to go till the IVF bench mark weight, then anything else just going to help things along.

Your right blaming yourself doesn't help, but if i'm honest I do think that!

This might be a horrible thing to say but my friends are so wrapped up in their own life's, they know i'm finding it difficult. They only time they offer to meet is with their children and there mind is so focused on them we dont get to talk. However they could make other arrangements. i really dont mind hanging out with babies/children - in fact sometimes I love it after all I really want kids. But sometimes I need to feel like there is life with out children. But starting to build new friendship!


xx


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## Thyme (Jan 23, 2015)

Hi Mrs Battersby I just wanted to say you aren't alone. I have been up and down for months and it's ok to feel like this. My other half has no sperms there is pretty much zero chance we can conceive, we've had every test possible in the last 5 months and am desperately waiting for the hospital to refer us to the clinic. This has now been delayed as new paperwork has come in requiring more tests than before! 
I spent most of yesterday hiding in the loos at work crying! 

I too have pretty much all my friends with babies and toddlers  and it is so hard , I don't want to be sad and resentful around them because I love my friends and their kids  but the longer it takes  (we've been ttc for 2 years)the harder it becomes and they don't know what to say.

I have come to accept I'll have down moments and I embrace them, let myself have a cry and be sad but then let myself move on. Doing things that I know would be not as easy if pregnant or had kids helps - trips to the shops, long walks, cycling, going to the pub.

Hope things get better for you


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## Mrs Battersby (Jan 26, 2015)

Thyme, thank you so much for your reply. You sounds like your in a very similar position to me - in a weird kinda way its nice to know your not alone but also sad as other people have having such a horrid time. Think your totally right distraction and fun things are the key. Its just the down times are more regular and as we know in our position can be very low. I have never suffered from depression but I know have a real understanding how low someone can get!

I had the wrong day of the month yesterday, when dreams are popped! Is it bad i'm counting the 20th month of disappointment!!  . Feeling very angry, the usual frustrated approach "its not fair" .

How is your relationship with your friends at the moment? I think I rely on mine to much, not that they are to much help. Missing close friendships and very jealous that they have moved on and Im still on square one!

x


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## Thyme (Jan 23, 2015)

Hey Mrs Battersby. I totally understand about the depression thing, it's very hard to explain to even for anyone else to understand who isn't going through pain and heartache each month. My only consolation is that I know what's wrong and thats helped me each month at that low time - my husbands count is zero - there's no way we will ever conceive naturally, although it was devastating to find out im much less stressed at that time each month now. Sorry to hear you've hit a low it is just really rubbish when that day each month comes round. 
Hopefully when you have more tests you'll be able to find out what it is that's making it not happen, just knowing the 'it's not working because.....' Will hopefully help you cope with it.

Most of my friends know about the situation but it's not easy they don't really ask or want to talk about it and i don't  know how much I want to talk either but I think it's because they don't know what to say. I do try to enjoy hanging out with their kids/babies and it's fun and I'm happy for them but it can be really hard. One friend who is supportive has organised some girls nights just a few of us, their other halves babysitting so we can all go out and have some fun, they very much enjoy having a break from the kids! Have you been able to meet up with your friends much?

Lots of friends of mine have found slimming world successful so hope that works out for you, in this whole crazy process your health is the one thing that is totally in your power to control and you'll get there to the weight you want to be


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Mrs battersby -   I just want to echo what the others have said, tcc without success is one of the cruelest things in the world, especially when everyone around you is moving on with their lives and creating their families. Friends you'd once consider to be very close and understanding suddenly have other priorities and just don't understand the pain and stress IF creates.

There is a section on here for coping with infertility where you will find lots of people in the same boat, here's a link...

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=554.0

Take Care

Dory
xxx


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## Mrs Battersby (Jan 26, 2015)

Thank you for that Dory. I have been looking and its so helpful to know its not just me going out of my mind! It also shows we (my husband and I) may have a long journey ahead which is quite frightening as I am struggling at the start! 

*
So everyone,* an update on me - Its been a hard few weeks . Would you believe it but I have had 7 close pregnancies announcements since the beginning of 2015 - 3 best friends.... (2 were my bridesmaids), 2 family members and 2 work colleagues, all but one on 2nd or 3rd children. I suspect a couple more in the next few weeks. At total breaking point, but have to keep going. I just dont want to be around anyone pregnant or have young children - so unhealthy! My motto at the moment "just get through each day". Doesn't help but just moved 50 miles for work - a LONG commute starts tomorrow.

Good luck must be on its way in some shape?!?!

x


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## Thyme (Jan 23, 2015)

Good luck with the new commute tomorrow!  

Sounds like a good motto to have, it's a long journey but one day at a time is the best way, I try not to think too far ahead and imagine what's going to happen because it's out of my hands now


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