# Grandparents



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello, wonder if you can please share experience on this. 

I was always under the impression that it's best to keep grandparents away for a few weeks after placement to help with bonding etc. 
then I thought it was frowned upon for them to stay over at our house as it could upset LO. 

But my SW was surprised by this and said in his experience it's good for grandparents to be involved after only a couple of weeks. 
And at our approval panel the other day they asked how we would cope without having space for my parents to stay over during early placement to support me. We replied that we do have space as have a large sofa bed. They all nodded and said how good that was that we can have then stay over. 

So now am confused. When did you get grandparents involved and do they ever stay over during early placement?

If it's possible it would be ideal as they would be a massive help and support to us. They live 160 miles away you see and were planning to drive here and then home in one day when the time comes as I said they wouldn't be able to stay. 

Thanks for any tips / experience. 

GG xxx


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi.

our los la wanted us to have 8 weeks before introducing gparents.

our sw said tointroduce slowly from the start. He met gparents after four days and they spent the night a week later. He has a fantastic bond with them both.


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

I will be introducing my parents ASAP. My mum is my biggest support and I won't manage without having contact with her. I also don't want to be bumping into ppl at the park and supermarkets before my parents meet LO. I want them to be the first to meet him/her not my auntie by bumping into each other in the street. If that makes sense xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks both. Makes sense if they are going to play a large part in support etc. 
like I said my SW thinks it shoul happen sooner too. 
That's great to know mummypea 
Yes agree AdoptionDreams, if you are likely to bump into people you know then parents should definitely be first. 

I guess we play by ear but really hope we can get them involved very early on as I will really need them around.


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

I think we will know when the time is right. So exciting!! X


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

I would say play by ear and set limits etc. my LO wouldn't have coped with ANYONE new in the house. We met GPs about a week after being home - just at local cafe (both GPs close by). They didn't start visiting home until after about 8-10 weeks and we had met weekly out and about. We took it at little ones pace and now he has a great relationship with the GPs (closer to those family members who listened to my advice of going at LOs pace and letting him come to them). Those that were pushy he likes but their not his pref if that makes sense.
X


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Gertie, good advice. If it doesn't seem like the right thing then we could meet them out of the house. They are willing to do the driving if necessary. 
I felt very excited to hear it was a possibility for them to help out from the start. 

Am trying to be as prepared as possible and to get the support stations poised and ready in place


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

As my mum lives a long distance, she came to stay when our son had been home for 4 weeks, with our daughter she actually came with us for our intros so she could look after our son and we fully included her in our intros.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Wow sounds great that she was fully involved. Thanks for sharing Miny Moo. 
Feel so much less anxious when I think of my parents being here to help.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

I also think you need to go with the child. I know it was naughty but my mum met our little man during intros. One evening, before she had met him, our sw phoned and asked what my she thought of him. When I told her he hadn't met her yet she said she wouldnt have by now, thought it would be fine and actively encouraged it. 
3 weeks into placement little man was hospitalised for a week. My mum spent every night sleeping beside us in a chair beside our hospital bed. Their bond is wonderful to see but both dh and I truly believe it hasn't detrimentally effected our bonding in anyway. 

Although my mum was there in the early stages, it was to support dh and I. Unless it was a an emergency e.g. In hospital when we were seeing consultants, dh and I were the only people who met his needs and did basic caring. We maintained his until approx a month a go when we were preparing him for my return to work.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Flash, ooh naughty   , another very positive experience (apart from the hospital poor little man   ) but great to hear about his bond with GP. 

I guess another key thing is that if we do have GPs around early on then me n DH will do all the personal care etc and affection etc and my parents can help me with practical stuff like cooking, cleaning etc which they've said they will more than happily do. 

Feel very excited now.


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Goofy, how old is LO? Little Pea was 13 months old when he came home so we had the rule that no one picks him up unless he wants it. At his age, kids are really good and know who they do and don't want to be picked up by. Some of our friends and family found this hard to understand, but it's worked well for us.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi MummyPea
Well we are only just approved but for one or two LOs aged 0-3 years. 
So if siblings they'll be approx 1 and 3 years, and if just one LO they'll be anything from 1-3. 
So very young and still needing lots of personal care, picking up etc. 
that's a good rule. 
Although we already have adopted LOs within our family who were over familiar with strangers when they first got placed and so went to everyone and anyone asking to be picked up. Their parents made a rule only close family can pick them up.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Our littleone was 10 months when he came home. We waited until he had been home four weeks before letting people visit. They were all told to give him space and not to get in his face until he was ready and made the first move. We did have a suprise visitor after a few days and littleone cried the whole time. After that the door was closed until after four weeks. We spoke to everyone on the phone and this worked really well. Lo loves everyone, but strangely with the suprise visitors he still dosent feel that secure with them and it's taken longer for him to get an attachment to them.


Good luck xx


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

I thought that the rules were a bit strict too, and let my mum and sister 'pop in' in something like week 2. Big mistake. Huge. They rocked up just before lunchtime, sat on their arses asking for tea, totally outstayed their welcome, and my mother completely disrespected my boundaries and picked the boy up the second I left the room.   


The next couple of days we had a total meltdown with tantrums, crying and lack of sleep. After that, it was a strict 'we will meet you in the park' rule. Not only so the boy could have some space, but I could dictate when we left.


In the long term it's made very little difference admittedly, but at the time, when we were already stressed and anxious it seemed like the end of the world. So just be cautious is all I'd say


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks for the tips Macgyver and Katie

I'm in the fortunate position that my parents are already very close to some children that are adopted and have seen for themselves the difficulties and effects of stress on LO. 
They wouldn't go against my wishes and would never turn up as a surprise. 

I'm just planning ahead for first few weeks of placement and how to survive them  
Our original plan was for a short meeting in the park after a few weeks and no staying over for several months. But then the approval panel members suggesting they come and stay early on just got me thinking it might be possible. 
One was an adopted parent so that must have worked out ok for him. 
The other adopted children in our family would probably have struggled with that but it's hard to know whether it makes a difference long term and whether the support for me would make it worth the risk if you know what I mean. 
If I struggle at first then my parents would be so good to have around, like I said they are experienced and well read when it comes to traumatised children.  

Its so good to read your varied experiences so thanks again all.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think you have to play it by ear and judge it based on your kids. Ours skyped my parents for about 5 minutes a day snd my eldest loves it.  She asks to Skype it fascinates her. After a while she started asking why nanna and grandad don't come to see her. My two cope better meeting people at home.  Our house is their safest place I guess being out and about they find stressful.  They met my parents about 3 weeks in. They have still only met a hand full of people 5 weeks in but that is what's best for my girls I know others who have mixed much quicker and its gone well for their child. Everyone has respected the boundaries and not picked them up or done personal care things even things like coats etc the girls inky want me really ir Dh which is fine.  It must feel weird to stand and not help but it's best all round. I think it'll  take mine a long time to cope with any difference at bedtime so we'll have to see about staying over.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think it depends on the child, but also very much on the grandparents too.  

We had big problems with Wyxling and grandparents.  She had more than one move and just didn't reference adults correctly.  I should add, to put it in context, her foster carer didn't support her moving at all and no prep work was done, she was pretty openly hostile to us in front of Wyxling.  She just didn't have any point of reference for grandparents, and struggled.  She would be very charming and try to please while they were there, which led them to totally overstep boundaries and try and basically be Mum with her, then go into complete meltdown afterwards and days of stress.  I tried to get them to take a step back but hubby's Mum just wouldn't listen and she would completely take over when she visited.  We kept visits to a minimum and in the end when we had professionals involved with Wyxling they told us to tell her she had to back off and it caused huge problems and I don't think our relationship will ever really recover.

With Bladelet we didn't see them for nearly 3 months after placement, partly to give Wyxling a complete break from them because they couldn't deal with the situation when asked to take a step back.  Bladelet was far too welcoming of strangers on placement and I think keeping him to us was a good move, but when he did meet grandparents he coped well.  He met other people earlier though, some friends, and that worked well because they accepted what we said about not running up and cuddling and trying to take over etc.

I think for me I would say if you plan to introduce grandparents early, make sure they understand the boundaries.  As long as they can take a back seat, focus on you, and not run in all arms open and full of love and trying to do everything, it can work well, but I think when Grandparents basically try and do what you did during the introductions, suddenly come into this child's life and take over from the person they're used to, it can go horribly wrong and lead to much bigger problems later on.

Not the best thought through answer ever, tired + beer today, but I think it makes sense.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Play it by ear 

We told all grandparents we don't know when the can visit and explained the no picking up unless initiated by baby poppy...

As it happened our LO (11m) settled so so well during intros an placement we met grandparents 5 days into placement. Since then he's seen them twice a week and can tell he's understanding who they are. FaceTime an Skype helps massively  too! 

Good luck with family finding  x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

See, ive read two posts now saying that relatives aren't to pick up the child, unless the child 'initiates' it? I'm surprised to read that, as everything I learned in home study or from adoption books says that children can often be overly affectionate with strangers (who, to all intents and purposes the grandparents are at the moment.) And that you should ask your relatives to gently redirect the child back to their parents who 'give the best cuddles' (or words to that effect) in those early days.


Or is that opinion old hat now? It's been a long time admittedly since I picked up an adoption book


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

It's a minefield!!!
I'm so grateful for the voices of experience. 

DIY - think Skype sounds a great idea. We already use FaceTime with my parents (still a novelty for us  ) so we will definitely use that. Thanks. You sound very happy and I know it's still early for you having followed your journey from when I was just starting out. 

Wyxie - makes perfect sense despite the beer   enjoy it while you can. 
Sounds like you've had more of a struggle than most as I've read lots of your posts.  Your previous advice etc has also been very helpful. And from seeing your other posts MIL doesn't help you much at all! Am so lucky because DH is adopted and his parents won't be able to travel anyway and mine are really sympathetic because of their prior experience. But for me, I'm so open to advice. Thank you. 

Little Poppy - thanks for your advice. Yes we will definitely play by ear. It's so hard to know at this stage how I will feel, how LOs will be, what is best etc. I'm excited and very apprehensive. I've seen how tough it can be from family experience. and just really want to do the right thing. 

Katie C - yes I've read exactly the same things and from my personal experience within our family that's true. The newly placed children were overly and inappropriately affectionate to strangers. My parents followed the advice and encouraged cuddles back to parents. So they know what they are doing. It's just LOs that I'm worried about. 

Even though I've read such different experiences I feel better knowing that there is no one correct way and that all LOs are different. 

We will most definitely play by ear but will restrict personal contact until we feel sure it is ok. 

God parenting is so hard. And we haven't even started yet. 
One minute I'm so excited and the next I'm rather worried. 
But never doubting this is what we want. 
Feel very privileged to even be asking these questions. 

Thanks guys. Am so, so grateful to hear your experiences.


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

You also get such contradictin info too...our social worker said we had people round too soon, babies social worker said she can't believe thy wernt round earlier...I thnk every agency an local auth has a different view...

I find baby overfamiliar with strangers, the hilaries man came to sell me blinds an he wouldn't leave him alone :-/


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Our little man was definitely too welcoming of strangers and we kept family intros to just my mum. We also redirected back to us for a VERY long time but without dismissing LM. 

He was also a lot better meeting people in his own home. I would definitely say with him it is circumstances rather that people that trigger emotions and memories,  even tough he was only 8 months on placement. FC did a large party the day before he came to us and even now, over a year on, we have to be very careful of large gatherings/groups of people at our house.  He has recently started to be a lot better, which we are so thankful for because it was pitiful to see. He would appear to be fine during, the center of attention, the clown. Everyone else would think he was having a wonderful time but dh and I could see it wasn't 'Him'. He would go to sleep fine and then wake up extremely distressed.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

We met with my Mum about three weeks in - it was just before Christmas, and the plan had been for me to do the usual lunch meet up and present exchange by myself, but Bug was doing so well, we went for it.  Mum was good at saying things like, "that's up to mummy," and "if mummy says it's okay," but we were happy for him to sit on her lap and have a story read to him while we finished our lunch.  It was only an hour or so, and we didn't have more family visiting until a couple of months later.

He was always pretty welcoming of strangers (one of my key phrases is still, "no, we're going on our walk and they're going on their walk," because when out and about he'd often try and either join in other people's rambles, or 'sheepdog' everyone he saw) but that settled quite quickly.

I knew we were going to be okay when we went to mother and toddler group and he was a perfect mix of wanting to play and clingy/needing to know where I was.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Just thought of another thing that may help any over familiarity. Our LO couldn't cope with strangers well at all (home was such a no no that we went to SWs office when we could).

LO would get distressed at home with strangers/new people but in supermarket would be all Hiya!!!! And try and get strangers attention (he baulked if they spoke to him though). I just kept playing/singing etc to keep his attention. It was a weird reaction and in part was to avoid eye contact but he clearly wanted my attention.

Anyway - something I did was just talk to a stranger but when meeting family/close friends when out etc I would hug them. At first just me whilst LM was with Daddy and then once he'd met them I would do a quick hug whilst holding him (thinking younger baby). It helped him understand who was proper strangers etc I think as he didn't behave inappropriate with SWs/HVs/Docs etc once we started letting people in home. But those I hugged he was relaxed sooner.

Hope this makes sense x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

katie c said:


> See, ive read two posts now saying that relatives aren't to pick up the child, unless the child 'initiates' it? I'm surprised to read that, as everything I learned in home study or from adoption books says that children can often be overly affectionate with strangers (who, to all intents and purposes the grandparents are at the moment.) And that you should ask your relatives to gently redirect the child back to their parents who 'give the best cuddles' (or words to that effect) in those early days.
> 
> Or is that opinion old hat now? It's been a long time admittedly since I picked up an adoption book


I think this is absolutely right, and where our parents completely failed, despite being asked many many times. My son was a little indiscriminate on placement with older ladies, perhaps due to his foster carer being older, but we managed that easily. Wyxling absolutely had to be in control if every adult in the room and could be completely indiscriminate. The way our families handled this (and ignored us) really made things a lot harder. I think it helps to give relatives a phrase to use so the child doesn't feel rejected, but is encouraged to seek comfort from parents. The main reason we had a complete long break from in-laws was how badly MIL handled that request, and her inability to hide her distress and anger at us from Wyxling.

All the best,

Wyxie


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