# Haunted by past decisions?



## Blondebimbette (Jul 14, 2011)

As you can tell from the time of posting I can't sleep...things are weighing heavily on my mind tonight and felt like I needed to off load so hope this is OK in this section. Was having a very pleasant hour today having my nails done by my lovely 22yr old nail girl when she started telling me about her friend who's pregnant & having a termination on Friday...was really shocked by how much this upset me.
10 yrs ago I was in exactly the same position as this girl...I too had a termination, many, many reasons but it was one of the worst experiences of my life and one which now haunts me nearly every day. At the time I guess it was the right decision for me, my situation was really not good at all & it was definitely the right decision for the father. Please don't get me wrong I am totally pro choice - there are times in our lives when having a baby is as awful for someone as not having one is for me now but the thought of that (probably) lovely healthy precious embryo just going to waste when I would give me right arm away for one has just made me so sad and brought back, yet again my regrets and worries of 'am I being punished now?' 
Sorry ladies a bit deep & dark, probably just the insomnia but I just wondered if anyone else has dealt with this or knows a friend who has? I try to bury this at the back of my mind but every time I hear, read or think something that reminds me I go through this every time.

Thanks for listening xx


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Sorry have not had this experience but honestly don't believe u r being punished.  We make the best disisions we can with the information we have at the time, no one can look into the future and pradict that that was right or wrong.

Leave it where it is, in the past and don't haunt yourself with the what ifs. X xxxx


----------



## Marianna-Petros (Jul 18, 2011)

I know how this can haunt you, it hasn't happened to me, but to loved ones. You are not being punished. 
I will give you the same advice my life coach gave me to get over something similar. "Do something good in the memory of your lost child. There is no better way to honor a soul that left this world than keep living the life and continuing it". So make peace with your self and do something good, instead of feeling sad, to say goodbye to your unborn child. This way you can remove that burden and move on to creating a new family. 

Best of luck on starting your new family


----------



## ElsieF (Nov 26, 2009)

BB
"& it was definitely the right decision for the father. Please don't get me wrong I am totally pro choice - there are times in our lives when having a baby is as awful for someone as not having one is for me now"

I know a man whose one night stand has kept a baby against his wishes. He was stupid obviously, but is also absolutely devastated. It is hard for us to imagine on this forum, but he feels his life has come to an end. 
Don't get me wrong, a womans body is her own, but once a pregnancy happens, men have no choice; no pill, no adoption, just a lifetime of comitment. This woman is choosing for her child to have a father who doesn't want him/her. And creating a situation that will impact all their lives forever. In this day of modern medicine it is a shame that we can't make sure that all children are born in sitiations where they are wanted by both parents.

However hard it is now, I think you did a kind thing back then.


----------



## Blondebimbette (Jul 14, 2011)

Thank you all for your kind words girls it means alot xxx


----------



## Flip-Flop (May 29, 2007)

Hi There 

I will reply indepth when I have more time - but I too was in that very situation although I knew it was never going to work with the father.........but you have to keep the PMA and it will happen - it did for us.........but as I said I will write more at a more convenient time.....

Love and Hugs 

Kerri 

As promised - I'm back

Well as I said in my little message above I too found myself in that same predicament when I was 23/24 (cant remember exact age now) to be honest I was horrified that I had gotten myself pregnant to someone I had only known for a few months, (we did however last another 2yrs) and although over the age of consent I was absolutely scared stiff about telling my parents, as I knew deep down that it would break their hearts.  

In my heart of hearts I knew that I would forever resent the child for what I had given up (going out partying with friends, a career etc etc) and for becoming a single parent and being on benefits (you have to remember that 15/16yrs ago there was still a stima attached to being a single parent/unmarried mother).  

I wanted more out of my life and although I had only been with the father for a few months I knew deep down that we were never meant to be and that the relationship would have to run its course.  The father was supportive of my decision having already a child from a former relationship.  Before I told my parents I had arranged everything in preparation for a private termination as I decided that I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it, so the evening we told my parents I was pregnant we also told them that I would be having a termination in the next couple of weeks.

I did however have a 'wobble' one night and subsequently cancelled my termination that was booked for that week, after much soul searching I decided that I was still doing the right thing and called them to re-arrange.  My parents were very supportive and took me for my appointment and I can honestly hand on heart say that I felt relief once it was all over.  I know that I did the right thing for me and have never regretted that decision.  

However like you when I failed to get pregnant in the two years after our wedding in 2003 I did question whether having had the surgery back then had perhaps caused my failing to get pregnant, then having had a natural pregnancy in 2005 only for it to end in a missed miscarriage and then a further two years of infertility and lots of tests and a further two miscarriages I wondered as to whether the surgery had complicated things.  After giving myself a good pep talk and realising that it was highly unlikely that the surgery had complicated things especially as I had had a laparoscopy and all was reported as in tip top working order, I decided to get on with my life and stopped eating, sleeping and living babies, as a couple we also decided that if we didnt become parents by the time I hit 40 then we would give up and accept that we were never to be parents.  

Having accepted our infertility and giving ourselves permission to live again, it was as if a weight was lifted off our shoulders, and although I was booked in to St Marys Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic for further tests which were not happening until the following October (0 I decided to just enjoy life and worry about the appointment nearer the time, my appointment was brought forward to the June of that year but in the March I found out the happiest news I could ever have been given, we were pregnant again and although a bit apprehensive, I was given a couple of early reassurance scans with my local EPU, and I was given funding through my work health insurance for further scans throughout my pregnancy, I am pleased to say that once I had gotten past 5, 8 & 13wks I started to relax a bit more and started to enjoy my pregnancy.  My motto in life has always been 'what will be, will be' and I live by that every single day.  

So you see it can all come good in the end and you have only experienced these emotions because you chose at a certain stage in your life to end a pregnancy and now later in life you are experiencing infertility and it makes you look and question things differently,  if you were not on this infertility journey the story you heard regarding your nail techicians friend would be just that a story, and although you could sympathise you would still have said that you made the right decision.  I remember being hugely jealous about pregnant women I saw and parents who had newborns etc, but life does go on and its all down to whether we remain positive (hard sometimes I know) or whether we take the negative path and then forever wonder how it would have all worked out if we had remained in a positive state of mind.  

A word of advice for when you start your IVF try and remain as chilled out as you can and try to relax about all the treatment you will be having, start looking after yourself and start taking folic acid now, also get your partner to start looking after himself too as lifestyle does affect the sperm, as we found out, my partners sperm were borderline when we started our journey but when he started training for a half marathon the levels went up, probably because he was looking after himself.  

I hope that this helps you in some way to understanding why you feel the way you do and I sincerely hope that your journey ends with parenthood.  

Take Care of yourself and keep that Postive Mental Attitude (PMA) keep telling yourself that you will be a Mummy and you'll start believing that anything is possible.

Lots Of Love 

Kerri x x x


----------



## Flip-Flop (May 29, 2007)

P.S. Sorry its a long post, I tend to write how I would speak. x x


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I was in the same position too.  I had a termination when I was around 22.  I was engaged to the father but for many reasons knew it wouldn't work so I took the decision to terminate.  For me it was too late to just take a pill so I had to go into hospital for a D&C.

Many years later, before I met my current DH, I wondered whether that would have been my only chance and if so, I swore I would never forgive myself.  Well, of course the inevitable happened and here I am.  For a while I felt I was being punished by some nameless faceless entity - karma, whatever.  I punished myself for a while too when I found out we would never conceive naturally.

However, when I think about it, I would now have a 14 year old child.  I would not be with my current wonderful DH.  I would be either stuck in a loveless relationship or be a single mother somewhere.  

I was speaking to my mum about it recently (I do think: if only I had the relationship with her then that I do now, I would have kept it and asked for her help but at the time, we were barely speaking) and she said: 'You made a decision with the options you had at the time.  You could only act on the information you had in front of you' and she's right.  I did look at it from every which way before I took the decision but couldn't find any other way.  I had no money, didn't even rent - I lived in staff accommodation at the hotel I was working for.  I always swore when I had a child I would give it the best possible start in life but in that situation I would have ended up on a council estate barely scraping by.  I didn't want to grow to resent the child because of that.  Many other reasons too - the father was unreliable, was a student, had no backbone, etc.

Since then, I've never been pregnant.  Not even able to get implantation.  I do think: 'Well, at least I know it's possible' but the doctors disregard pregnancies that happened more than 10 years ago so as far as they're concerned, I may as well never have conceived.

Anyway, who's to know what would have happened anyway?  I may never have carried to term and may have miscarried at some point.  Who knows?  

All I know now is that my life bears absolutely no resemblance to the girl I was back then.  I'm now in a loving marriage that, had I made any other decision back then, would never have happened.  I do also know that if worse comes to worst and we never achieve our dream of having a child, we will still have each other and after all, that's why we began the relationship.  I suppose the really ironic thing about that, is that we waited until we had enough money to provide properly for children and built the perfect house, completely child ready before trying....  

That said, I think that before you start on the IVF journey, it's extremely important to think about the decisions you made in the past and why you made them.  Examine your feelings about it all - have a good cry, do what is necessary but then forgive yourself.  You can move forward without a dark shadow hanging over you but you need to address it first.  I've done all of this and it's helped me to realise that even if I could go back, I wouldn't change the decision I made.


----------



## Flip-Flop (May 29, 2007)

Totally totally agree with you MandyPandy, as I too would not change the decision I made then and like you I would not be where I am today, in a loving Marriage with a nearly 3yr old who is such a joy.  We have such similar stories, truly hope that one day your story has a happy ending.

Lotsa Love 

Kerri 
x x x


----------



## Blondebimbette (Jul 14, 2011)

Ladies, thank you for taking the time to write those honest & detailed replies, its hard for me to explain how valuable it is to me to hear other peoples experiences in whats a pretty hard to discuss subject, even my closest girlfriends who were around at the time and a fab support then are now uncomfortable with it but I know this is just because they don't know what to say to comfort me.
Today has been a long & emotional day for me for reasons other than IF (for once) and don't have many words left tonight but just wanted to thank you both for what you've said, since joining this site just over a month ago I've been bowled over by the kindness, honesty & support I've found here, its already helped me so much.

Thank you, lots of love xxx


----------

