# Hello. I'm new and feeling a bit low.



## lullu (Dec 28, 2005)

Hello, am new not only to FF's but this is first time chat room experience ever too.  

Feeling low and lonely and thought I had nothing to lose by seeing if there's anyone out there to share with.

Here's a bit about me:  ttc 4 years since marriage, and been undergoing diagnosis and tests etc for 2 yrs. Turns out its my poor DH who has 100% sperm antibodies, so it isn't going to happen naturally.  He is 40, me 35 so faced with a 3 yr ICSI waiting list we decided to go part-private with Chelsfield, as its slighty cheaper than private, and money is an obstacle.

Meanwhile, I have 2 good friends who I see a lot at work both announced last year that they were both expecting within a week of each other before this easter.  This happened a few weeks after DH and I got our definitive diagnosis.  Both got pregnant on first attempt.  Was able to squeal with delight along with them when it all happened 

However, I now feel so isolated from them, and whilst sharing their joy and trying to support them and help them out when they are feeling low, feel that I have lost them as people who I can talk to about my problems as they are inevitably wrapped up in their own joy, and I feel like such a black hole in all the chat.  I know that one of them is really trying to connect with me and support me, but I sometimes have very dark days, and feel that what I have to say has been all doom and gloom and try to avoid it.  

Another girl at work has just announced she too is pregnant, and sometime all I talk about all day is other people's baby plans, which although I enjoy I also find quite distressing at times.

This is also because my poor Mum who was given the all clear last May from breast cancer was diagnosed with secondary spinal tumours last July, and multiple liver tumours in Nov.

We were meant to start our first ICSI cycle in Nov, but were told by Chelsfield that there were potential building works and so we would be post-poned until end Jan.

To cut a very long story short we have just been told that the building work has been farther delayed and they won't give us a date even now.

With my Mum's indefinite outlook we feel that time is of the essence as with any deterioration I will have to leave London and go and look after Mum in Aberdeen.  At the moment she is in a relatively stable condition and spent a wonderful Christmas and New Year with us, so felt good about starting in Jan/Feb.

But now looks like we are going to go through the whole laborious process of trying to get in with another clinic if we want to be in the driving seat.  Am absolutley gutted about it all, and see no end in sight, after being so near.

I'm normally positive but its been a long procrastinated period of bad luck and I'm finding it really hard with my friends,  I was coping Ok when it was just ICSI that we had to deal with, and was also doing well when Mum became ill again, but feel quite unable to cope with my friends and only heard about the postponement 
last week and have been finding everything really hard since then.

I want a baby so badly but feel that everything is conspiring against it.

Maybe the hard times make us better but its not feeling like that at the moment.  

Good luck to you all.


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## MrsRedcap (Jan 6, 2006)

Hi there,  

Your situation is so sad.  

I live not far from Aberdeen (about 60 miles) Aberdeen assisted reproduction unit are ok. I had my sterilisation reversal done by them. The last I knew their waiting lists aren't too bad, so you can always try and get a referral to them when you come up here.

I know how it feels when someone close to you gets pregnant and you're struggling to conceive. My sis in law had a baby 4 wks after I had my ectopic removed. I still haven't seen any pictures of her as it's too painful. I've been to my mum in laws and theres pics on the wall of the baby but I just blocked them out totally. Worst thing was when my brother in law sent a text to my mobile with a piccie after she'd just been born, and then the in laws sent pics to my email..which I thought was really thoughtless considering it was only 4 wks after I lost our baby (i still can't forgive them for doing that)  

I know people have to move on which I'm trying to. But it's not proving easy, hence I am now going down the egg sharing route in my quest to have another baby.

The girls are fab on here and will give you the support you need.  

If you want to talk just send me a message.  

Love

Vicki x


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## lullu (Dec 28, 2005)

Thank you so much for your reply,  it was very kind of you, and yes I am thinking about Aberdeen as an option and think it's a good suggestion.  I will look into it when feeling stronger about the whole thing.  (Also will mean I can return to long lost Aberdonian friends).

It must be really hard for you regarding your brother's baby, people are so thoughtless sometimes and can get it so wrong. I'm not surprised you are finding it so difficult to cope with and can understand how difficult it is to deal with others' joy when feeling so bleak.

It's such a sensitive subject, I feel like a walking bruise just waiting for the next prod!

One of those Aberdonian friends lost an ectopic baby after 4 cycles of IVF.  Afterwards she had to work with a pregnant colleague and said that it was like having her 'nose rubbed in it' just being next to her.  It was 4 years ago and she found it so painful but has come to terms with in in her own time without pushing herself and is about to try again.

I wish you all the best of luck with the egg sharing.

kind regards, L. x


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## LizzyB (Mar 25, 2003)

Hi Lullu.....just want to welcome you to FF 

I'm so sorry that you are going through the mill at the moment....it's such a tremendously hard thing to go through as it is without the added pain of your Mums illness. I hope that the clinic sorts itself out soon and can give you a definate date to start your tx......i know how frustrating all the waiting is to get going, last thing you need!!

I can only wish you all the luck in the world but you have certainly come to the right place for support and a helping hand along the way.....please ask if you need any help finding your way around 

Love and strength to both you and your Mum hun,

Much love, Lizzy xxx


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## *Mel* (Mar 20, 2005)

Lullu   We are all here for you. It's some a horrible thing not being able to conceive i wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.  Sometimes i feel like the worlds against me and that everyones out to annoy me. For instance me and my dp went to get our blood/  results from the doc last week and in the waiting room was three pregnant people! I know i shouldn't take it personally but i feel like they did it on purpose, i know they didn't but just feel like they are rubbing it in. Another thing was the other day i was going to tescos it was raining and i was looking for a parking space close to the shop, i was waiting for a space and i saw a mother and child parking in the mother/baby bit close to the shop and i thought thats unfair she parked close to the shop and she has a child! I know thats sounds mad, am i going mad?!? Anyone else feel like this?  I think I'm just sensitive to thing like that.  I found out today that a girl i work with had her baby(3rd baby and she wasn't even trying!) yesterday and another girl is expecting, it just gets me down but at least i have you lots to support me, which is my point lullu anytime you need support we are here for you.Sorry to go on. Hope you all don't like I'm  . Good luck. Take care.Mel***


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## MrsRedcap (Jan 6, 2006)

I know what you mean Mel...everywhere you go there seems to be someone whose pregnant or given birth.

Another sickening thing is that theres a girl in our village whose a drug user and alcoholic, she has 5 kids already that she can't look after. Social services turn a blind eye (as always) I went totally nuts when I found this out.

But if it's any consolation hunny, I'm a great believer in the saying...All good things come to those who wait!

Take care

Love and hugs

Vicki x


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi lullu and welcome to FF

I really hope u finally get a date for your IVF and that it is successful - i know what u mean there are so many women where i work who just fall pregnant so easily and thats all they then ever talk about and sometimes i have to walk away coz it either upsets me or i honestly just get bored of it!! I know that sounds terrible but thats the truth!

I hope your mum is ok - it must be putting extra stress on u.

My hubby also has 100% abnormal sperm so we know we will never conceive naturally so its just a long wait and lots of more tests for us.

MrsRedcap - That annoys me as well how all these women who are drug abuser, alcoholics etc can just have a baby so easily and then dont look after them - my mum works in a nursery school where she does a family group (about 8 kids) who have autism or are from families where there are a few children or they have very young mums etc - i help her out there sometimes and i get upset coz there is one kid who is 4 yrs old and the mum is 18 and doesnt want to know the kid really and so the kid doesnt talk atall and the mum would rather buy DVD's etc rather than food or even play and interact with her kid.

Also i totally agree with u that good things will come to us all that wait  

Kate xx


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## Jappa (Nov 16, 2005)

Hi Lullu

Welcome to ff. Know how you feel in relation to your infertility problems and other people having babies, sil got pregnant on first month of trying and had a little girl in Nov, it has taken myself and dh time to feel able to see her and she is lovely but I do feel at times resentful.  Can't imagine how you are coping with your mums diagnosis, life is so unfair throwing two so very difficult situations your way.  My thoughts are with you and goodluck for your future treatment.

Jappa xx


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## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Hi L
I just want to Welcome you to FF and wish you tonnes of strength and happier times.   

Infertility is a difficult road and there are lots of things that make it harder, as you are finding out 
If you have a good Gp make an appointment as feeling low can suddnley turn to depression, and your Gp can help.
But there is also a whole community of people who understand and are willing and able to support your here. 
We all have dark days when other peoples insensativity and pregnancys send us straight back under the duvet,  I know I do 
There are boards here for every type of treatment and one for those of us inbetween too! you will be made welcome wherever you post
there is also the Chat room which can be quiet lively 
Link to the inbetweenies board.... http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/board,47.0.html

May your dreams come true and may we share in those dreams with you 
~Dizzi~


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## lullu (Dec 28, 2005)

Oooh thanks girls for replying.  You've made me feel quite special by responding!  As was first timer I didn't even know if anyone would bother reading my stuff.

Can you believe it, pregnant friend said to me today at work she could 'lend me her super sperm husband'!!  GRRRR! I think I may have to accept that she just doesn't think as she isn't a nasty person, but omigod it hurt. 

Think I'm just going to have to get tougher about it all and try to not let other people bother me.  Looks like lots of us feel the same from your replies, and I really value this.  

It's lovely to feel understood

Thanks,

L x


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## Julie2039 (Jan 11, 2006)

Hi Lullu  and Mel

Lullu   I am really sorry to hear your news about your mum on top of all this.   It is hard to stay positive and I am sure from replies you have had and postings on other boards that a lot of us feel the same "why me" etc etc.  People can be  totally insensitive. I have heard them all.  My 2 sil's fell pregnant by accident and we had to face that news within a month of our diagnosis, bearing in mind one sil (who i love) tormented herself for 2 weeks on how she was going to tell me.  You also get the "have mine, that will put you off", "why you worried about IVF, you should be excited (??!!)" and on and on they go.  In 5 years there has been a non-stop pregnancy run the last being a close friend and we had the common link of being childless and she was a great support but now...not interested. May be a little unfair to say that but it is the way it feels.  Any worries I have are retorted with "don't worry about it it will be worth it when you have a baby at the end of it". If only life held such guarantees. I therefore don't discuss it with any one hardly now and glad I joined this board! 


Mel,  I totally agree with every point you make.  AND YOU ARE NOT GOING MAD.  When I went for my scans to check my bits and pieces I was sat in a waiting room with pregnant ladies of all shapes and sizes as well as a few "gym slip mums" and I just wanted to run out.  I couldn't bear to look at a pregnant bump for many months but when the rawness goes away you handle things so differently and then hey from out of know where it bites you in the bum again when your not looking. No day is the same.

But like you've said we are a jolly bunch and all here to support each other (heard me, only been a member for 2 days!!).  

Julie


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