# Broken



## Annaleah (May 14, 2008)

Feeling utterly broken right now and have so many why's spinning in my head.....

This isn't a thread to elicit lots of hugs and 'sorry for your sad news' it's more to say thank you for just being on this forum.  A big part of me really believes that the women on here have a better chance of truly understanding what it might feel like.  I know I perhaps shouldn't, but I feel a bit wronged by some around me who are trying to convince me they know how I am feeling.  

I had a text from a well meaning friend which made me want to scream (I wouldn't have chosen for her to know but she's the wife of a very close friend).  She reassured me that some of her friends (all in couples) having IVF had two unsuccesful goes before they were successful and she had 3 miscarriages so SHE would love to talk to me about it!!  I'm not denying her emotional pain was as great.  But I think some people completely neglect the fact that they can share their grief with with their partners (I have very supportive family and friends but none are the father of the loss I have just had), that they can try again pretty quick and their TTC involves an intimate moment (I have to wait months for the next tx and mine is the furthest from intimate...baring myself to more strangers that I can remember), that their TTC doesn't come at a financial cost (all the tx leading up to this m/c has cost the best part of 10k and now I am faced with the reality of digging deeper into my empty pockets)...i can't say all of this to her because i'm too raw and I imagine she will put my ungrateful response down to grief rather than a genuine feeling of being misunderstood.  I genuinely believe the absence of a partner, the financial cost, the constant waiting between tx has an impact on how we cope and how we grieve bfn's and losses.

Not expecting responses, this is just a bit of cathartic self indulgence....just grateful to have an audience.  I do have lots of tx related questions about FETs, about cyclogest vs crinone, about uteruses, books to read.....which I will post in time on the IVF thread once my thoughts are clearer.
Annaleah


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Words fail me right now


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Hi Annaleah

I'm not surprised you feel broken.  Its just horrible and there's nothing anyone can say to make it better.  I'm sure this woman was trying to be supportive but I agree there is a difference doing this on your own for all the reasons you've listed and you're right to feel whatever you feel.

I wish there was something we could do to make it better/easier.  I'll send some hugs       as nothing else that I can think of.

Hope you have some lovely supportive friends looking after you.
xxxxxx


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## madmisti (Sep 1, 2008)

Don't have any words that can help but wanted to send cyber hugs     

Take care hun
Misti x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Annaleah   I am so sorry to hear your sad sad news and the pain and suffering that you are going through,  it is so understandable how you are feeling - it is harder not having a partner to share the troubled road with as you say, but you are a strong  and determined lady to have reached this point in TTC.  There are too many of us who have losses on here, and we are all hear for you if you want to shout, scream,cry etc.

I also said to my donors partner when I lost my  baby that I felt sad that it was probably only me who had shed  tears and sadness for its life being lost, while the wide world seems to go on as if nothing happened, but to us our world is falling apart.  He told me that they had and others had cried and the loss had effected them, but people don't know what to say, so if in doubt they say nothing in fear of saying the wrong thing-  don't forget to your family it is the granchild, neice/nephew that they so hoped for. I guess this lady is just trying to be helpful to you, and has offered, but you could just say thanks for her offer and you will come back to her if you need to talk.

What I do regret is that I never took up counselling till years later and 3 negative cycles later.
Every so often when I do get upset I still cry for my angel baby in heaven, and I remember the anniversaries and my due date, as it will always be my baby and is special to me, I cherish my  scans as they are my only 'photos' I have, but the world goes on and no one else or few people know but that is ok it is my baby and that is what matters.

Although time has helped and I don't cry all the time anymore, the tears can start when I least expect but I don't think I would be human if I never cried.  It has changed my life, it will never be the same again, as the fear of mc is a stark reality for me now (even though the odds for women of my age TTC normally mc rates are high as well).  

I also get some comfort in that I am a mummy to   and always will be, and who knows what happens after death but maybe we'll meet. I had worked out my EDD the day I got a positive test from the online IVF calculators, and this is hard, as I do something on my EDD and the day the baby died to remember them by so their life wasn't in vain and was a significant event for us. Due dates are hard as it is about what should have been, and especially so when others have their babies and you would have had yours, you are happy for them and their birth but it does bring your loss back.  

There are other ladies in the pregnancy loss thread, and I have made some friends on there who were experiencing their losses around the same time, some now have had babies or are pregnant.  Also the miscarriage association has a helpline and you can light virtual candles and send messages.

Do you need to have a ERPC or has your baby come away naturally? If it has not come out it might be worth asking if they can analyse why it happened.

Take care hun  and you know where we all are

love and hug 
L xx


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Annaleah - I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't pretend to know what you are going through but I do feel for you   .  Please take time to be kind to yourself.


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Annaleah, just as there are a few friends in your life that have inadvertently missed the mark in finding ways of responding to your grief, I hope there are others you can turn to who say little but do more in their efforts to support and comfort you now and in the weeks and months to come.      A-Mx


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## Annaleah (May 14, 2008)

Thank you all for your hugs and responses.

Indekiwi - thankfully I do have lots of wonderfully supportive friends.  I had a text this morning to say that breakfast was on my doorstep.  In a bag was some chopped fruit, a croissant and bunch of tulips..needless to say I ate more breakfast this morning than I would have been able to force myself to prepare otherwise. 

I seem to be spending hours in front of the computer looking for answers, not sure it's helping but it's all I can do right now.
x


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## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Annaleah my heart goes out to you, I am so so sorry


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Annaleah       Thinking of you x x


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Annaleah, thinking of you    

Lou-Ann x


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Annaleah, so sorry  
Love
Jovi x


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Annaleah

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time   all I can say is the pain does ease with time - It is so unfair that so many of us have to endure so many BFN and worse still to have a BFP and then to have it taken away    . Each time I read a new post regarding another loss I cry    I cry buckets for them, for you and for myself because I know how it feels to member of 'that club' the one as a woman you hope & pray that you never join    and once you do join that club you are a life long member   I too have some great supportive friends but I continiously feel that their lives are in a completely different league to mine (& with respect they just can't possibly grasp the concept of what this TTC journey as a single lady is like) I have also pretty much given up talking about things to my family as it feels like we really couldn't be much further apart right now, which is why I love and care for my FF so much because we truely are on parallel plains and keep each other going   I miss my angel babies soooo much and I often feel pain on top of my pain that just my tears spilt alone will never be enough for what they deserve    and I truely believe that I am changed now because of this journey but not all for the negative - I have seen strength in myself I never knew existed and I have to believe that this creul process will be worth it in the end as we all must believe or loose the fight! 

Honey my heart goes out to you and we are all here  - sometimes looking at the bumps and babies thread fills me with such pain and other times fills me with hope. You will have good days and bad days as we all do but the best thing to remember is that you are not alone and our tears join yours too   

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Annaleah, 

I'm not in much of a state to offer any words of wisdom and comfort right now I'm afraid, so just sending a big   and hoping that the days get easier for you soon,

Suitcase
x


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Annaleah, sweetheart I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. 

That is such a lovely story about the breakfast on your doorstep.  
Love and hugs, Felix xx


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

annaleah    

Just to say I can really identify with how you are feeling but it does get easier - as JJ1 says you will never forget your little   I'm glad you have some wonderful friends around you, take care.

r xx


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Annaleah

More hugs for you hun   

Love FM XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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