# Longings



## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Hi everyone I hope you are all well. This week is the tenth anniversary of my first m/c - It is the first year that I have trully accepted that will never have a child. I have fought so hard to be positive and find other things in life, yet the last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster - and I am on the fast downhill run.
I have had those horrible feelings - a desperate longing to hold my child my arms almost ache with the empty feeling. I have had recurrent dreams of a child where I am able to hold them and care for them. When I wake I face the reality that it will never be.
More than ever after 10 years I am longing for peace and acceptance. I have had counselling and finally a lot of anger has come out, now I feel shattered and weak. Today I feel like a hollow shell, I struggle to maintain a calm surface when all I want to do again is cry. I am not even sure if this is normal and I wonder if I will ever learn to cope without a child - I really wonder recently whether I have really lost the plot.   
I guess this will pass - but right now I am feeling pretty crappy - I am aware that dh and others around me seem fed up with me and just want me to get over it - I feel so guilty and I hate myself for the way I feel. 
I am sorry to ramble on I just needed to get this out and this board for me is a safe place where I know I can vent how I feel without the nagging feeling that someone is going to get angry at me or roll their eyes like I am a freak and wimp. - Although that is how I see myself today - I just want to scream at myself in frustration    - My counsellor tells me that I should let it out - great but sods law has intervened and that day I feel like this is the one day that I have workman here - and I am sure that they do not want to hear my venting and sobbing - its one of those days when you just may burst into tears spontaneously   - which is not going to help my flagging confidence and will just confirm to the world that I have lost it  
I am sorry again for the same old same old rant - my heartfelt thanks to anyone who reads this and big hugs   to all the lovely ladies on this board who are so strong and supportive 
Karenann xx


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## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Okay its been a crappy day and I need to add another longing - it only lasted a few seconds thankfully - Have you ever wanted to whack someone with something heavy    - I was managing not to sob all over the workmen and once they had left I felt safe to let out some of my grief. I told someone close whom I trusted how I was feeling - BIG MISTAKE   I got a lecture about how morbid I am remembering dead 'things' - they went on to tell me that 'it' wasn't big enough to matter   Not quite the undestanding I was hoping for - hence the momentary longing to whack someone really hard   
Anyway after crying a lot I am now off to try and sleep - I am determined that tomorrow will be a better day - that I will smile ( or grimace through gritted teeth ) find some positives in my life or at least maintain a stiff upper lip ( wonder if botox helps with that   ) 
Please excuse my sense of humour I am trying to lighten my pain - or at least cover it !
Here's to a good day tomorrow and a good weekend     to you all xx


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## lyns76 (Nov 14, 2009)

Bless your heart, i am so so sorry to hear how upset you are, it is so hard when the one thing that is so easy for some people is also the hardest for others to achieve.
I am blessed to have a child after much heartache and treatment but still devastated that so far i have been unsuccesful again so i do have understanding of how you feel right now.

I am sorry that i cant comment too much as i dont know any of your background and please forgive me if this upsets you in any way but you sound like you have so much love to give so would you not consider adoption or fostering.  I truely believe that being a mum is so much more than giving birth, its about opening those arms of yours to a child that needs that love and support that i am sure you can provide.

I am now seriously thinking about this as i know i have enough love to make another child happy and secure.

As i said please forgive me if i have said anything to upset you but it could be something to consider, reading some posts on here it has been the best thing ever for many couples.

take care,

Lyns


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

lots of love karenann - it all sounds pretty normal to me, a fellow bfner and moving on girl. 
I'm also sorry you you got a crass and silly respnse to some of your grief hon.
You will have good days. It's just there's gonna plenty of bad while you (we) somehow, learn to move on

good luck with your thinking about adoption lyns76 - that's where I'm at too...I think...

gettina x


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Oh Sweetie 

Have only just seen your post.Big massive   to you.

Life is so cruel to us isn't it when we have done nothing to deserve it. I can completely understand how you feel in some ways. I have never been pregnant so can't completely  understand the full pain of how you must have felt to lose something so precious but i can imagine that the pain for you must be immense and my heart goes out to you .

But i can understand the emptiness and lonliness felt at the injustice of not being able to hold and care for our own child, and that sometimes you feel that friends and family around you just feel you should move on and get over it .Sooo not that simple though is it. If only eh!!!

The person close who you told should be ashamed of themselves for reacting that way  ie it wasn't a big enough matter!!!!...... and i don't blame you for wanting to whack them with something  . How insensensitive can a person be...Please don't let them make you feel like you are a freak or a wimp because you are not You are a lovely lady trying to deal with some of the hardest emotions i think anyone can ever deal with.

I hope you are feeling a little lighter today and remember that on here nobody would ever think you 'need to get over it'!!!

Much love always
Sam xxxx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

karenann I am so so sorry you're going throu this crap!  And people say the most 'stupid' things!  Would your friend have been so cruel if you had just lost someone and attended the funeral - espec your baby!  NO!    But you are in mourning - mourning the loss of your baby and mourning that you're not a mummy!

I mourn every day I'm not a mummy and looks like never will - but it's in silence we have to do our crying.  People just don't understand - even those closest to us.
I think you should tell your friend ever so gently how you feel and how much you are in need of a shoulder not criticism.

I have had 4 failed IVF/ICSI and after the last one ended up me being rushed into hosp after missed ohss - I know how you feel!

Keep posting - at least you know we all understand!


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