# Please help...



## Lavenderbloo (Mar 26, 2011)

I hope no-one minds me posting, I have lurked now for a while and have read so many posts in an effort to understand what women are going through.

My story is very different, but I am trying desperately to understand what people go through on IVF.

I am at my wits end with a work colleague. I myself, am 6m pregnant (natural conception), I knew my colleague was on her 3rd attempt of IVF so knowing all she gone through previously, told no-one at work of my pregnancy as I had seen how my colleague had been with previous staff who had been pregnant. Two ladies left due to her erratic and one one occasion violent behaviour.

I had to tell my colleagues last month that I was pregnant as it was becoming very obvious.

I don't talk about being pregnant, I only go into work and if out with other colleagues this is the only time it's mentioned.

I am trying desperately to understand (hence joining here) what my colleague is going through - I have been very sick throughout and am constantly told that I deserve it - she has told me to my face that she reckons I will make a terrible mother and that she thinks my DH is 'not father material', she's told me that she says her DP saw him with another woman and that her mother thinks she saw his car in a red light district! Everyday it's something else. I have never had such hate and vitriol aimed at me.

My pregnancy is a huge think to DH and I yet for 8hrs everyday I can't say a word about it, I feel like I am the target of hatred when I have done nothing wrong.

I totally 'get' that it must be hard for her. 

I cry every night when I go home due to the things that are said - she told me yesterday that my sickness is probably due to the fact my baby is 'damaged'.

I haven't told her that I have found here - I'm pretty sure she doesn't use forums.

I hope you can forgive me for posting but I am truly at the end of my rope.


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## SueEllen (Apr 6, 2010)

Seriously 
Your colleague seriously does this to you
You need to speak to HR about this and get them to handle it, you should ask to work from home or move to a different office.
You are pregnant, congratulations this is a very special time for you and your husband and you do not need the additional stress.
I am sure you have seen from this forum that people with fertility challenges do get upset about other women - friends, family, colleagues, strangers - getting pregnant and having children - but we (and I am speaking for the women from this site who have given me strength and hope thoughtout this) do not go about harassing, upsetting or being purposefully mean to others.
You really need to speak to your manager or HR about this - if you think you will get too upset talking about it, email yourself when she says something nasty to you and then when you have a few examples show it to your manager and let them deal with it.
I am not without pity for this other woman, but she clearly needs to get some help and deal with her issues in a different manner.
Good Luck!


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## munchkin35 (Jan 21, 2011)

I agree with everything sueellen says!! It is very hard to deal with pregnancy when you are having difficulties ttc but, this is no excuse for the way in which you are being bullied. The only thing I may ever feel like saying (BUT DONT) is "I hope you know how lucky you are" I would never dream of treating anyone this way. Please seek advice from a work colleague as you are in effect being bullied for being pregnant, this a time you should be able to enjoy and embrace not worry about what other people say, you dont need the stress. she certainly needs help to resolve her issues about ttc as she is clearly not coping with it at all.
Also it is very understanding of you to come on here and try to sort out a solution, and to understand her situation. Hope things get resolved for you and you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, good luck and take care hun


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## Missrri (Mar 21, 2011)

I think its great that you have contacted Fertility Friends to ask how people who cant or find it hard to conceive feel.  I am very very lucky to have had one daughter naturally and when I read many other peoples stories I feel...well I should be pleased I have one already and maybe not go through ivf for any more.  But life isnt like that, we all continue to want more - more of everything, cars, houses, clothes, bags....thats life.  

Since the birth of my daughter all my friends who were pregnant at the same time have gone on to have 1 or 2 more babies...its is hard, seeing how easily others fall pregnant  and whilst initially I feel a little upset, this is upset for myself...not for them...for them I am happy.

Sounds like you need to go to the boss and explain whats happening.  She sounds very bitter no wonder shes not getting pregnant!

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, enjoy it


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Jeez Louise!
I thinks the poor womens lost it a bit hun. I too 'get' that being around pregnant women can be upsetting for us with fertility problems but what this women is saying is bang out of line?! It's total madness and is not in anyway normal.Please don't think her behaviour is reflective of all women with fertility problems- as it's not!
If I were you I would firstly tell the boss and then secondly - stand your ground. To make up these hurtful , sick lies is just above and beyond cruel. This women clearly needs to vent her concerns and stresses elsewhere.She needs some help coming to terms with her infertility and she should go and see a specialist. I work with children and pregnant mums - and I can hand on my heart admit is it damn hard sometimes - but only in an upsetting way. I refuse to become bitter and twisted over other peoples happiness. However sounds like this women has been consumed by hatred and jealousy and bitterness. Its lovely that you found this site and tried to get an insite to why she is behaving like this - but she's took her feeling's too far now. You be proud of your bump and stand your ground. As with all bullies , the don't often like a taste of their own medicine. I am not saying you need to stoop to her level , but just start to talk about your pregnancy with other work collueges. Ignore her erratic behaviour , walk away from her when she becomes abusive and hope that she realises thats she has gone too far. But first port of call - your boss, you need to nip this in the bud now.
Many congrats and all the best hun!


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## quelle (Feb 2, 2011)

Louise, 
So sorry to hear what you have to put up with! I do feel for your coworker but that is no way to behave... She clearly has issues bigger than IF!
That is also very good of you to find out FF, eventhough you clearly don't need to and try to empathize! I have a coworker who is 6 months pregnant and tbh she is not the easiest person to work as she also has personality issues, while I feel "this is not fair" I never use my "infertility card" to get back at her and always feel bad about myself having this sinking feeling. A new baby is a happy occasion, no matter who, how or when! What she is doing is playing to your fears and anxieties, if you go back home and cry because of such treatment at work, that is unacceptable and called downright harassment. Please speak to your boss, HR or anyone else who can make this woman stop, or remove you from this equation.
I am happy for you and wish you all the best...  
Love, Q


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## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

Dear Lavenderbloo

You sound like such a nice person  I don't think there's many people who would think of even looking at forums to find out how a friend or relative maybe feeling; let alone do it for someone who's been so horrible to you!

I'm sorry she's being so mean to you, but you must *not* blame yourself!!! This lady has issues and is hurting and is taking it out on you; it's nothing you've done. I think that you need to speak to someone, HR or a trusted manager. Explain that you understand that this lady is having a really hard time but that she is bullying you. You cannot put up with this during your pregnancy (or at any other time); you should be able to enjoy your pregnancy and not live in fear. I'm worried about the effect the stress and upset will have on you and baby.

You're obviously a sensitive person, otherwise you wouldn't be here trying to find out; so it's not like she can say you've rubbed it in her face. Accusing your OH of cheating is really, really low. I'm really sorry for you. Try and just ignore her insults; she's not speaking the truth and just wants to pass on her hurt feelings.

I wish I could give you a real hug 

My sister has recently had a baby and although I was envious of her baby, not jealous, I would never take her happiness away her. It might makes us a little  at times but IF does not makes us into horrible people; however hard it is. This woman was already like that I think.

I hope you're ok, and all these replies are helping. Put yourself and your baby first and move away from this lady xxx


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## Lavenderbloo (Mar 26, 2011)

Thank you all, your replies are very much appreciated. I spoke to my HR manager today who told me that she has been approached by my colleague on three occasions asking for me to be transferred to another section - she has been told that this is not possible unless I request it - which I felt today I was being 'pushed into' as the HR person said me moving would make it easier for myself and my colleague - NOT because I talk about my pregnancy but because my bump is causing my colleague to be depressed.

I really, really don't want to transfer, I have done this job in this section for the last 5y and love my job - the only other section I could go to is pretty much an all male department - none of whom I know and the job would be totally different to what I do.

This afternoon we were all chatting about the weekend and having a coffee - someone had brought in cream cakes which I refused (feeling bit iffy) this was met with a barrage of 'oh FFS just eat a ****ing cake - one cake isn't going to make you look any fatter....'

I try to ignore the comments but they hurt. My other colleagues stand up for me but at this she starts crying and then runs out. I feel I can't do right.

She came back in after an hour or so, I asked to speak to her in one of the conference rooms in private. I tried to tell her that I was trying to keep my head down and that I can't help how she is feeling. She then leaned over and said 'I will never feel what you are and I hate you and your brat' and left for the day.

I give up. I swear to God, I am trying to be patient, understanding and caring but I am done, I can't win.

I would like to say that I have read so many posts on here and you are amazingly brave and courageous women, I am so sorry that so many of you have lost babies and so sorry for those of you who are struggling. I have tried to learn as much as I can about IVF and I hope that by doing this I can begin to understand a tiny bit of what my colleague is going through.

I feel worn out by all this.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi Lavenderbloo

This person may have suffered a horrendous time but what she is doing to you is inexcusable.
My question is and you haven't the answer is why can she not ask to transfer to another section?

xx


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## Jue jue (Feb 26, 2011)

Dear Lavenderbloo,

  I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you need to start thinking about you and your baby now.  You are giving this woman too much and it sounds to be like she is mentally unstable. You donot have to understand her, she is abusing you.  My fear here would be that her verbal abuse could become physical as she sounds like she has lost control

  Now you should  under NO CIRCUMSTANCES be the one to transfer.  She is the problem not you and she should be the one  moving.  

Are you in a union?  I do hope yoyu are.  if so contact them straight away or get onto free legal aid. If you are not in a union find out which union represents you they may be able to offer you advice anyhow. 

Your employer should not be putting this on you they  are responsible for your well being as a pregnant woman and I am sure the law is there to protect you as well under employment law. 

Jue


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## quelle (Feb 2, 2011)

I am sorry if I am being blunt but I really find it difficult to understand your HR's position here. It seems to me that your coworker is the one who is not happy with how things are. Why are they asking you to move to a different position and not her? If she is not happy and cannot behave in a professional manner she should move and no one especially not HR should give her any special treatment or a free pass for this rude behaviour. Please stand your ground to the HR, escalate if necessary... 
All the best, Quelle


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## lindylou1 (Feb 3, 2011)

Louise,

I have just read your post and couldn't leave without replying. I am absolutely gobsmacked and shocked by what I have read. I feel so sad for you that this wonderful time in your life is being overshadowed by outright bullying. 

I am sure you have gathered from the other replies that this girl's behaviour is not typical of ladies who are finding it difficult to concieve. Yes, it upsets us when we learn of other people becoming pregnant, and yes, we feel envious and wish it were us, but never in my life has it entered my head so be so unkind and nasty to another person, and nor would it. I can sympathise with this girl in relation to her IF issues as I know how difficult it is ttc and how sad it makes me feel that I can't concieve naturally while others can but I absolutely cannot condone her behaviour and whatever difficulties she is going through there is absolutely no excuse for the way she is treating you. I suspect that this girl may be a bully by nature, IF doesn't turn us into bullies. 

I am pleased to read that you have spoken to HR but I agree that you should not be made to feel you should move sections, this sounds like your HR are trying to take the easy option. Have your other colleagues seen and heard what goes on and would they not back you up? What this girl is doing to you is a genuine crime (I'm a police officer and have charged people for much less than this). I'm not suggesting you report her to the police, although you would be well within your rights to do so, but I do feel that your employers should not be tolerating this and sweeping it under the carpet, particulalry if she has been violent in the past. 

You sound to me to be a very special person, not many people would take the time to come on here to try to gain an understanding of how our struggles and disappointments make us feel and for this you must be commended. 

It really sadens me to know that you are going through such a stressful time when this should be the happiest time of your life. I wish you all the very best for your pregnancy. I truly hope that this awful situation is rectified sooner rather than later so that you can enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to bringing your darling baby into the world.

Lynn xx


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## kity (Jul 28, 2010)

Hello,

Like the others I could not just read this and run. I am absolutely appalled at your colleagues behaviour! 
But I am so glad you joined here for advice, because it has allowed you to see that she is a minority. Yes going through IF is very hard and painful, but it does not turn us into bullies. 
Because of the struggle we go through we all appreciate what a wonderful gift pregnancy is. This should be one of the best and happiest times of your life and this woman is spoiling it for you!
I am very shocked at your HR departments solution. They are clearly not taking your wellbeing into consideration, or the wellbeing of your unborn baby. Bullying should not be tolerated in any work place and there are laws to enforce this. You really should consider taking the matter further.
I sincerely hope this is all resolved soon so you can start to enjoy and celebrate your pregnancy.

Take care
Kity
x


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## Lavenderbloo (Mar 26, 2011)

I think to be fair to HR they are trying to do the 'easiest' thing - reading between the lines, there have been emotional crisis problems previously with my colleague. I heard through the grapevine this morning that this is not an isolated incident, which in a weird way makes me feel relieved somehow as it doesn't seem so - personal - does that make any sense??

I spoke to my husband last night and I have decided to take the offer of the change of department and just work out the next few months with no hassle and no more grief. I don't intend to return to work afterwards anyway.

If I could have a wish it would be that you all could have your wishes and dreams fulfilled and that my colleague could too, I can't hate her, she clearly is very upset and I can sort of understand that she is made to feel worse by my presence...so for her, me and bump, I think me moving sections is the easiest solution for all of us.

I can't thank you all enough for all your kind words and I honestly do hope that things come right for each and every one of you.

xxxx


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Lavenderbloo

I would love a workmate like you.

A colleague who is 46 and had a miracle and is 46 and has a natural bfp said two colleagues went up to her and told her she is disgusting for getting pregnant at her age and someone said to me not knowing I was having ivf that they thought it awful that women in their 30's and 40's had children. I did educate them that unfortunately not everyone meets their white knight in their 20's and not everyone is fertile so it is not possible to judge other people's circumstances.

I wish you a smooth and happy remainder of your pregnancy and am so excited for when you meet your LO.

It might be worth saying to HR just in case your situations change for whatever reason that you would like a temporary transfer to other section for remainder of pregnancy to make it easier for colleague but on return your would like to return to your current section.

xxx


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## Feileacan (Jan 30, 2011)

Darling Lavenderbloo,

What an amazing person you are, getting on here and looking for insight, help and answers. What a lovely mummy you will be for your little bump! I'm glad you made a choice for you. This woman sounds distressed, angry and confused.

I truly hope the remainder of your pregnancy is BLISSFULLY UNEVENTFUL after all the stress you've been through!!! 

Best of luck


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## JasperP (Oct 10, 2010)

Hi Lavenderbloo

I'm sorry you're going through this with your colleague, it sounds like an absolute nightmare.  

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy,  I hope you're able to enjoy it, relax and look forward to your new little one! 

Marcia xxx


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## quelle (Feb 2, 2011)

Dear Lavenderbloo,
I am happy that you now have a resolution and a way forward. I do agree this choice will be the quickest way to resolve the issue. I do hope you will have a wonderful time for the rest of the pregnancy and have many happy times to spend with LO and DH  
Thank you very very much for all your good wishes, they mean a lot  
Love Q


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

I am glad you have found an option that suits you. You seem a really genuine , honest person and your compassion and willingness too try and understand your work colleague shows how lovely you are.
Much luck and happiness to you , bump and DH.


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## Lavenderbloo (Mar 26, 2011)

Thank you all, your comments have really helped. The new section is fine, all men apart from an older lady - they have all been very welcoming and yesterday I finally felt relaxed for the first time - it was bliss. Several of the men are fathers and at lunchtime gave me lots of advice - they were also very caring and made sure I was comfy etc which was very sweet.

I went into the staff room to find my ex-colleague in there, she started to say something and I quickly turned around and left - I'm not going to enter into conversation - so much less stressful.

Thank you all again.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Oh Lavenderbloo good for you and so pleased you now have nice workmates, I can imagine what others are thinking of her. xx


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## Jue jue (Feb 26, 2011)

Delighted for you Lavenderbloo!


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## lindylou1 (Feb 3, 2011)

So pleased you are enjoying your new section and that your new workmates are treating you well. x


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## lconn (Sep 4, 2009)

Sorry to read this about your colleague.Ive just had my 3rd cycle and im glad of anyones pregnancy and certainly not bitter or resentful.TBH your colleague sounds like she has mental issues and sounds like a lunatic.It really doesnt sound right that someone can be that vindictive and jealous.In my eyes itd be quite scary if she became pregnant cos she doesnt sound mentally stable.There isnt any excuse and i think HR should have been harder on her.Obviously over the years lots of close people have become pregnant and I wish them well and carry on with trying ourselves.I wish you well on your LO and the many happy years ahead that he/she will bring to yous.Ignore her.


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## quelle (Feb 2, 2011)

So good to hear that now you are in a happier in the new section    You should keep ignoring the lady from hell! Way to go!


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi Lavenderblue think you can tell we have adopted you as an honorary FF, please be sure to let us know of the happy arrival of your LO.


Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.


xxx


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