# Frosties - emotional tug anyone?



## TerriWW (Mar 8, 2007)

Hello

Jusst wondering if anyone is feeling emotionally attached to their frosties that they weren't intending to use?!

As some of you know, our family consists of me (terri), Julia, Angus aged 4.5 (conceived using donor 1 and me and iui), and Romy aged 9 months (using ivf with ju's eggs, donor 2 as no sib sperm and carried by me). We always said that if we had a 3rd, we'd use me and donor 2 so the existing kids would both have a half sib biologically. We're both actually thinking that 2 children is where we may stop now but we have 2 frosties from the last round where we had Romy. Logically, we should maybe donate them etc but we've found that because we have romy, we've started seeing them as potential little romy's and getting emotionally attached and concerned about them and considering using them! But this is causing alsorts of dilemas. 

I got pre eclampsia carrying romy which we were told could have been due her being a donated embryo ie ju's. So really don't want to carry another. We thought of having further investigations with ju to see if she could carry though the chances of any change are small. Plus I really think I have and issue with giving one of our existing kids a bio sibling and not the other......but those embryos seem like such potential lives having actually conceived and I'm normally so scientific and matter of fact about such things but not in now... anyone got any thoughts? ... and apologies to those of you trying to conceive a first child, I know this matter is trivial incomparision to that...

Thanks

Terri


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## Guest (Jan 7, 2010)

I know exactly how you feel! We have 3 frosties left from DP but I would also like to donate my eggs and wondering whether to purely donate or do an egg share cycle but if we did that I would have to freeze any embies as I have to donate by June 2011 because of my age and I don't know if we will be ready for baby #3 by then  . I would hate to not get pregnant again with our 3 frosties and then wish I had done an egg share when I donated  . This fertility lark just creates so many questions without a clear answer. I am not a religious person but it does make you question when life starts and that those little bundle of cells could be another beautiful child. I don't have any amazing words of wisdom but I just thought I'd let you know that you are not alone in your big thoughts


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## jo36 (Aug 12, 2008)

I was seriously attached to our saved sibling sperm, let alone embyroes! I kept visialising the sperm sat in the clinic, which in my opinion was a potential sibling for DD. They still have 4 vials left but by the time this little one is due the sperm will be well and truely expired as we waited so bloomin' long to TTC baby #2!! but I'll be happy to stop at 2 kids.  

Good luck with your dilemna, I wouldn't like to be in your shoes...

Jo x


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

i can sympathise. we felt exactly the same about our frosties although we were very keen to have a 3rd during the first year after number two was born. we only had 2 though and used them both on one cycle that was unsuccessful. we have no plans for a third now - as time has progressed our family has felt more and more complete and the idea of a third seems more and more crazy. we are still hanging onto the sibling sperm though, just haven't been able to cut the cord with that one. i've no idea why, we just feel quite strongly that we don't want it to be our decision to dispose... and luckily, there is a time limit so eventually the decision will be taken away from us. for now, we just keep paying the storage then putting it to the back of our minds


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

I can quite imagine feeling so attached to your frosties, even if you'd never really planned to have a third child. Like Jo and Rosypie, I'm pretty attached to our stored sibling sperm, and it kind of feels like a waste of it not to try again with it for a potential #2 (despite it mainly feeling like it would upset the family applecart big time if I did manage to get pregnant). However, I think that I would find it almost impossible to not at least give frosties a chance, however many other reasons there might logically be against it (the health issues for either you or Ju, the sibling issue etc.). I don't think that it's something that you can be 100% logical about, it's such a strong emotional tie.

If you are feeling so strongly about them, it seems to me that the first thing to do is to find out more about whether there really is a strong connection between the pre-eclampsia and having used a donated embryo (was Romy's birth early/significantly complicated by the pre-eclampsia? I'm afraid I can't remember). Just because you get it with one pregnancy, it's not a given that you will have it in future pregnancies (although my sister was unlucky and got it with all three of her full-term pregnancies - all babies born healthy if a bit on the early/small side). 
And/or find out more about Ju's chances of carrying instead. Once you've got a clearer picture as to the implications of either of you carrying (if the frosties were to take) then obviously you need to confront the "full sibling" issue for Romy vs Angus - it seems to me like this is a more fundamental issue, and could prove to be the deal-breaker if you really feel that it is unfair on Angus. Working out where you stand on this may dicate the decision as to whether or not to use those frosties.

You did mention thinking about donating them if you don't use them - this may not be possible, because the sperm donor would have to consent to this as well (and of course the HFEA be involved in terms of the 10 family limit etc. etc., so it's likely to be complicated). We tried to donate our spare embryos for research (they weren't worth freezing for future use), but weren't able to because of the sperm donor issue.

@ Moo - if you want to donate eggs but aren't sure about actually getting pregnant again before that June 2011 deadline, then I can't see any reason why you couldn't still do egg share, but get your share of the embryos frozen for future use (although of course then you may end up with Terri & Ju's dilemma!). It would seem like the best idea to me, so that you don't have a "what if" scenario further down the line (plus your eggs will be of better quality if it's sooner rather than later).


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## TerriWW (Mar 8, 2007)

hi

Thank you all for your thoughts on this one! We are still undecided but have made one decision and that is to put it on the back burner for a little while. I was finding it a bit stressful trying to make a decision whilst romy is still only 10 months. I go back to work part time at the beginning of may and that is probably a good time to try and decide exactly what to do - when we are back to 'normal life'.

Nismat - thanks for your step by step logical approach to our problem. What you said is exactly right. We need to approach it one step at a time. The first step being do we really want a third child, the next being is it really important to give both our children a bio sibling and then 3rdly if we are to use the embryos we can look at the pros and cons of who tries to carry etc.

But going to leave it sitting in the back ground for now and enjoy romy ...

Thanks again though - it's such a tough one. I can see us deciding to have a 3rd with me to give romy and angus a sibling and then using the embryos after and ending up like the waltons (with me in a straight jacket and locked up trying to look after them all!)

Terri


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## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

it's so hard to be objective isn't it. i know when we used our frosties we convinced ourselves it was going to work and got ourselves deep into the mindset of having a 3rd child. it seemed like the be all and end all... we hadn't really talked properly about what we'd do if it didn't work. well, we had talked but never made a set in stone plan and by the time we got to the point of it failing we'd been sucked back into the ttc game and ended up spending a shedload more cash on more treatment. i always found it hard to distance myself from the process and take things as they came... anyway, long way to make the point about getting sucked back in the ttc game...

i think it's the right decision btw, to enjoy your children for now while maternity leave is still happening and before real life has started up again


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## TerriWW (Mar 8, 2007)

thanks rosypie. that's a really good point to make. if we do go ahead we must be prepared for it not to work! You can get so wrapped up in the decision to do the treatment that you kind of think that is the decision to give you a third child ... but not necessarily!

How have things worked out for you, are you still trying for a 3rd? At least you have 2 lovely little boys


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