# Recent Article from the Guardian



## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Hi Girls,

Here is a link to a recent interesting article from the Guardian. It's about a childless woman whose step-daughter has recently had a baby.

I though it would be of particular interest to anyone with a step-child who may find themselves in this situation - but also there are a lot of generally interesting points about childlessness in this article.

WARNING - the article ends on a fairly happy note for this woman - I hope it doesn't upset anyone who may feel that becoming a grandma by a step-child is yet another option denied to them.

S.A.F.

http://society.guardian.co.uk/health/story/0,,2048367,00.html

_this post contains an external link that ff can not be held responsible for _


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Have read the link s.a.f., thanks very much for sharing with us x

The lady in question has certainly had a lot of heartache happen to her along the way, and it just goes to show that although she was able to play an active role in the upbringing of another persons child her own struggles with IF were not forgotten. I am a very part time step parent myself to a typical teen so I can see the relevance in this, although if she ever had a family of her own I doubt very much we would get a look in - such is life as they say - and although I get on well with 'skid' she ain't my kid, she already has a mother and a huge family around her.

What strikes me is the comments that were made to her from others because she had never had a biological child of her own - good grief, wouldn't you want to throttle some of 'em? What is it with people and their opinions? Did any of those who questioned her ability to look after her SD's baby have manuals for parenthood themselves then?  

Some people, huh?!

Love
Emcee x


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Thank you for the link. I wasn't sure if I was going to read the story when you siad it had a happy ending - I hate happy endings!!! (if you know what I mean. I'm not a _totally _ miserable cow... )

Anyway, I did read it, and I enjoyed it. It was sensitively written by a clearly intelligent woman. I agreee with emcee though - what kind of an idiot would think she can't "do" things with the baby, just because she never gave birth??!!

Also, I felt that the article's point about women today facing failure was really relevant to us. Infertility is totally seen as treatable by most people, so we spend years and thousands of pounds having pointless treatments before we start to wonder if we should knock it on the head.

My personal opinion of this lady was "of _course _ she is the baby's grandmother!" My own mum is re-married and her husband has grandchildren, so my mum is also "grandma". The kids just have 3 grandmas instead of 2. In this day and age there are far more wierd and wonderful family set-ups than this, so what's the big deal?!


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Girls- this really made me cry-like the woman writing the article i met my sdaughter at the very same age who was a cute 4 year old holding her daddys hand.I moved in with dh and her when she was 6 and we married when she was 8.She has always lived with us and saw her mother once/twice a week(although she buggered off for 2 years and came back durung the worst years-the teenage ones).

I often worry that i will not be thought of as a "true grandma" - my mum finds it hard to call herself "granny" to my own stepdaughter as she has 2 other " biological grannies" and thought it was confusing for her. She signs cards "from granny" now after 10 years but gets called her name. i dont think it bothers her as she has chidren of her own who will go on to have kids probably.

At the moment (as sd is 16) i am TERRIFIED that she will get pg in a time when it would still hurt me emotionally.I suppose for me it will be easier if she was in her 20s/30s when pg, as maybe i will have dealt with things better then.And maybe because i would know my "grandchild " since babyhood it would be different. I would love to know if that lady who wrote the article had her sdaughters mother still around as i think this will be an issue for me too.

My family see ME as my sdughters mum but they dont have any dealings with her biological mother, unfortunately i am sometimes unsure.Maybe when she is past the teenage years it will be apparent to me again like it was when she was a cute child.

Thanks S.A.F for sharing this story.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Irisheyes sending you massive hugs, I thought of you when I read this article and I thought of another lovely lady I know who is going through IF stuff who has a stepchild at the moment too.

For me it was refreshing to have this lady affirm that its ok to still feel sad about what never happened in the having her own family department whilst caring for another child on the scene that isn't biologically her own.

I don't know about you IE but I've often felt very much on my own with the IF/Step-parent thing. People around me actually think everything for me is 'ok' now that DH's DD is on the scene - that really infuriates me because it minimizes my losses and everything I have been through. I'm happy for my DH that he has got his DD in his life, but it doesn't diminish my pain at what I have lost either. Sometimes it can make it that bit harder too.

Thinking of you honey
Love,
Emcee x


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Here is another link - this time from the Mail - same story but with a lot of extra detail expanding on what she went through in her younger years ttc and also a bit more detail about how she handled her step-daughters news.

WARNING - the link contains a big photo of the lady holding her grandson ... hope no-one finds it upsetting ............

S.A.F.

http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=449625&in_page_id=1770

_this post contains an external link that ff cannot be held responsible for

_


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

To all step parents!

I felt I had to write here as a step daughter!

I have not read the articles in question, but I feel that whether a step parent is a "true" grandparent or not to the stepchild's own children depends on how much of a parent they have been to their stepchild.

Some of this being a parent to the stepchildren is in their control. Some of it depends on how much their partner, a biological parent, manages the relationships. Certianly if their partner has not been good as a biological parent, they have little chance of bcoming an involved step grandparent. It can also depend on the influence of the other biological parent, how willing they were to allow their ex-es' new partner to share parenthood.

A very complicated scenario indeed, as my abbreviated family story may illustrate.

In many ways my stepdad will be a more real grandad than my biological father.

I have two step parents. My stepdad, B, and my stepmother, MJ.

B is English. My British Mum's second husband. (Bear with me, the naionalities are, I think, significant.)

I regard B as a parent even though I have never called him "Dad." (Maybe cos I was 11 when I met him, 16 when I lived with him and Mum, and 18 when I left home.) But nonetheless, he is a father figure to me. That is because he has shown me love, he has put up with my being a (shall we say?) "challenging" teenager and young woman, and he tries to support me when life is difficult. Whilst he always supports my mum, (as indeed a husband should) he is strong enough to take a different viewpoint from hers about how to support my brother and I when he thinks necessary (as a father should.) He has not always been right (who is?) but has done his best and I appreciate that. Even though I and my brother have never called him "Dad" he always said he had 2 children. (Me and my "full" brother.) Later he said he had 3 chgildren (adding his biological son, who I call brother - not step brother.) *If I had had children I would have told them he was "grandad."* When they were older I would have explained why I call him B, but that whatever I called him, he was their grandad. My "full" brother is now expecting a child and I believe he will see B as his child's grandfather.

MJ never really had the chance to become a mother figure to me. At first I knew her as one of a series of Spanish au pairs who helped look after me and my brother. I really disliked her! I always hoped she would leave and we would get somebody else to "babysit" while Dad was on shift work! My brother and I had liked all the previous Spanish au pairs, but not this one! We told my dad this in no uncertain terms! After my brother and I went to live with Mum and B, Dad went back to his homeland, Spain.

My brother later chose to go and live with Dad in Spain. When my brother got there he found our hated au pair, MJ, was now Dad's wife!!!!!! She may then have had some chance to mother my brother, but she was off to a bad start through no fault of her own. She found my brother too difficult to cope with and eventually he returned to the UK and lived for a while with me (I had gone to university) before setting off on his own, aged only 17.

I feel sad for MJ as she wanted children of her own and suffered a mc. But as she has said she does not want to discuss this, our shared experience has done little to bring us closer. However she* has * said she blames my brother for her not having another chance to have a child once my brother went to live with them, as she says my dad did not want any more "trouble." She lays the blame for her and my dad not trying again at the door of my brother. I think that is an unfair blame to place on a teenager and that she could have looked more closely at my dad's, her husband's, refusal to try again. Then again, my dad is not an easy man with whom to explore emotions. Stereotypes suggest that Latinos like MJ and my dad are open to emotional discourse, but there is also a strong streak of pride and machismo that inhibits real communication.

MJ is alright, but she never became a parent to my brother or I. MJ says she has no children.
As this is how she feels, my brother and I cannot see her as a mother figure. Maybe if I had had children I would have introduced her as "grandmother" but this would not have come so naturally as introducing B as grandad. I am not at all sure my brother will call her grandmother to his child.

I hope that this step daughter's story will make some sense to step- parents? Anyway, all this is to say that step-parents can be "real" grandparents if they have been given and have embraced the chance to parent their partner's children. If you have had the opportunity to parent your partner's child and have risen to the challenge, then you can surely expect to be included as a real grandparent, so long as your stepchild has become sufficiently mature to recognise your position in the family.

Sorry if a bit muddled!

LOL

Jq


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Think i got it in the end jQ.What a confusing life for you!!!

I too am hoping that when sdaughter is a bit older she will really appreciate what i have done for her since age 4.I expected teenage years to be rough but never like this- a lot is to do with her birth mother tho.My sd CHOSE to call me mum from very early on but when her mother heard this was annoyed.She continued to call me mum tho until about a year ago.(a year into her mother coming back). She still calls me mum within my family and dh's family circles but i saw written down a year ago the word " stepmum" which really hurt me.(i posted about this months ago on the relationships board). i know she is confused too with the oul mother on the scene again but i hope that in time she will return to calling me "mum" with her peers or "my other mum"- i cannot prove that she calls me "stepmum" to her peers but i am not dillusional either.

Thanks SAF for the other article -havent had a chance to read yet but will do and get back to you.Thanx for pm also.


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi IE,

I expect your sd will appreciate you more and more as she matures. I did not fully apprecciate SD for ages!!! 

I would not worry too much about what she calls you to her friends. She may say stepmum as a kind of shorthand to signal the differnet people in her life, not to express that your place in her life is less valued. Also she may be doing it for a bit of effect and to get attention - teenage girls can be such drama queens! If you ever can discuss it and if it still hurts, mabe you would feel more comfortable to encourage her to call you by name to her friends, just so they know which mum she is talking about? I have always called SD by his name. But when I talk of him and Mum together I always say "my parents."

Love Jq xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Thanks for such an insightful post jq.

I know for sure that I will never be known as anything other than my name to my SD which is fine by me as I am not her parent, nor do I have the sort of relationship with her where I could parent her. We have known each other a whole year - a year yesterday (St Georges day) when she came to my house to get one over on her mum - her mum never wanted us to meet you see. 

I've resigned myself to the fact I will never have kids, and I also realise that I will never be anything particuarly special in SD's life either, and I'm ok with these facts. She ain't my daughter, and I don't feel like I have a right to anything from her really - its a different kettle of fish with me as I haven't raised her, unlike IE with her SD. She also leaves school very soon - so its not like I have had the pleasure of knowing her through her formative years. Nope, I just got the challenging teenage bit instead!  

Love
Emcee x


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