# Another BFN - another little bit of me dies inside



## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

It's 14dp2dt and my two little embryos didn't make it. A stark horrible BFN on the pee stick this morning.

As I saw the result appear there were no tears just a slow realisation that dreams don't come true... And that the 2nd failure is no easier than the first

Another phone call where the lovely nurses will say sorry, another review appt where they will look sad and tell me things in my heart I already know.  Another gut wrenching moment when I see the next new born baby and know that might never be me...

And as each month of this 4yr long journey passes I feel myself change.... As I'm typing this I've got tears rolling down my cheeks. Not the heart breaking sobs that I used to experience month on month. Now they are the silent tears of lost hope..

Jeez.... BFNs really do suck....

X


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## Sam274 (Nov 20, 2013)

Little miss
I'm sending you a huge hug  
There's nothing so sad than when the second pink line does not appear, it's a feeling of such loss, I know I've been there with you.
Take your time to mourn what might have been, but remember dreams can and do come true, the national average for IVF is three cycles and you are not there yet. 
Our journeys are hard but not impossible, keep the faith xxxxx


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## 2Buttons (Jul 11, 2012)

Oh littlemiss     As someone who has been there again and again and again, I can only say that my experience has been that whilst the bfns still suck and the cycling can still catch u out on emotional outbursts, that my overall view on my life and future has found a way to imagine my life without children or children the way I thought I was going to have them...in other words, it's going to be okay, it hurts but it will be okay, eventually        I hope u r lucky soon FX


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## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

I have no words. 
Just tears for you as the pain is indescribable.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I wish that there was something that I could say.  It is the most crushing feeling.  Sending you the hugest of   xxx


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## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

Thank you ladies...

I find it so sad that there are so many lovely caring people that go through this..

I feel a bit better today but my head is still spinning.. The hardest bit was telling my mum and dad... I can cope with almost anything but seeing them cry is just horrible.

Both oh and I phoned in sick at work today but I'm going back tomorrow. Just got to remember to breathe and focus on doing things to keep my brain busy for a while.. 

Thank you again for your messages and I'm so sorry you knew exactly how I felt...

L xx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Littlemissv,

Our situations really do test our abilities as human beings. There is no way to describe to people how it makes you feel to not be able to fulfill what should be a natural thing. 

I feel for you having to tell your parents. I am not that brave and in order to protect myself I don't discuss things with my mum cos I can't bear to see that look in her eyes. She is aware that we have had/are having IVF, but as she has no idea how the process works she doesn't know were we are up to at any particular time. She just asks am I ok and I lie and say yes   

I do have other people I confide in and all the lovely ladies on here keep me sane (well kind of)


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## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

Aww Spudlin...fertile people really DO NOT understand what we go through and how it changes you.. It's so so difficult. 

I've just seen your comment on the IVF. I'm so sorry about the findings of your review meeting.
Oh Hun... What a blooming horrible thing to be told. I'm so sorry. How are you feeling? 

Have you decided what clinic you will use for DE? I'm quite convinced that we will end up in the same journey as that's what I'm expecting to hear.
I'm thinking I may go abroad though... But am going to use the fertility show as a research event to see what some the clinics people talk about on here are like..

Take care

L x


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## Sumand (Sep 20, 2014)

I'm sorry it didnt work out for you this time  

I have to say, I could never have comprehended how hard this part of the journey is. I hope you are feeling better and that your light at the end of the tunnel comes soon.

S xx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thanks Littlemiss,

I'm ok I guess. We are staying with our clinic in the UK. I just feel that this whole process takes over enough of our lives that the thought of travelling further would stress me out (I hate flying!!!). Plus, I do really like the clinic and they have not done anything wrong by us so far.

The whole donor thing actually doesn't worry me and actually I am feeling quite empowered by the better stats with DE. 

What can I say, I've got duff eggs and I am not prepared to put myself and my amazing hubby through more heartache striving for that less than 1% miracle egg!!


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## K.Notman (Sep 25, 2014)

Hi Spudlin, I thought I would just send you a   as I got my first BFN from our first ICSI IVF today.  I've had my cry and day off work and then it'll be back to normal.  I hope the review meeting will give us hope for our next cycle (we have one more on the NHS) and that we can move forward.
I hope you take time to heal emotionally and have the strength to pick yourself up again soon.
Kirstie xxx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thanks ladies,

Kirstie so sorry you got a BFN, it really is horrible when the news isn't good. At least you get another go with NHS. We unfortunately didn't get any NHS treatment  

We have decided to go ahead with donor eggs and have had our consultation last week to sign the paperwork etc. We are hoping to be sent some possible matches this week and then we can get going.

It all takes time as they have to sync my cycle with the donors so it may be Dec/Jan before we are looking at possible transfer


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## K.Notman (Sep 25, 2014)

It's good you have been given a time frame to look forward to.  You have to think positively with every little thing.  Hopefully you'll  have a nice young donor with quality eggs to give you high numbers to chose from.  Have you heard of using an embryoscope so they can monitor the fertilisation hour by hour to chose the best one?  I've also been advised to look into the scratch and embryo glue, although I don't think they'll be covered on NHS so I may have to pay more.
Good luck xxx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Hi again,

Yes it is good to have a timescale to keep you focused, although I am constantly looking at my emails, like a watched pot that never boils lol. My clinic said if I haven't had an email tomorrow with potential matches, I'm to ring them and give em a shove  

Our clinic uses the embryoscope and we had signed up to use it for our 2 OE cycles, unfortunately due to my naf eggies there hasn't been anything to watch, so we had our money refunded. We have signed up for it again this time for the DE cycle and our clinic uses embryo glue as standard for all.

I too hope we get someone with nice young eggs  , ideally with their own family already so we know they work  

I am such an impatient person lol, I will have to stop looking at my emails on my phone and it will land


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## Lilypink (Oct 8, 2013)

Sending you hugs littlmiss x it's the worst pain ever isn't it. 
I had my second BFN Saturday & my a phonecall from my best friend yest to tell me she is pregnant ( only had first baby 9 months ago ) I'm so happy for her but at the same time finding it so hard  
It's my birthday tomo and my poor DH is doing everything he can to cheer me up but I just don't want to celebrate. 
I hope you feel better soon it's a horrible feeling but it does ease each day. 
Let's hope we get our dream xx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Big   coming your way lilypink,

Birthdays and Christmases fall into insignificance when you are on our journey cos all you want is the gift of a child  

Life really sucks at times


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## K.Notman (Sep 25, 2014)

I agree!
I'm having a down day today.  After my BFN on Monday I didn't take any more medication.  I'm now waiting for AF to arrive and with the feelings in my abdomen I think it might be today and then I get closure that it's really the end of this cycle. 
 to you all xxx


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