# Well that is the end of that for a year...



## AliceinNHSLand (Oct 18, 2012)

Feeling a little bit stunned and emotional.

I have just come off the phone with a SW who has advised me that we will be unable to apply to adopt until December of this year. As we have to 'grieve' about not being able to have a biological family.

Although I understand that grieving is important and that the decision to undertake the Adoption journey should not be taken lightly the only grief I feel at the moment is that it will be another 10 months before myself and my husband are given the opportunity to have a family.

It feels like extended water torture. Waiting for fertility treatment, diagnosis and now this. Surely we should be the best ones to know when we are ready for a family...For example we were ready four years ago.

I am trying really hard not to be bitter but my life has truly been put on hold for our opportunity to start a family. I have given up the chance of studying for a career as a midwife to be a full time stay at home mother for children that have still not arrived...We have done everything we can to prepare ourselves. We are in a loving, stable, caring relationship. We are financially stable and our extended family are so very very ready to extend. I guess we just continue as we have been for the past four years until we are deemed 'ready'.


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

I was in your position when I first enquired about adoption. I think that as you have been able to make the decision to find out more means you have accepted that you are not able to have a birth child and are ready to give all the love you have to give to a child who really needs you. Hang on in there. There will be a child out there for you and it will all be worth it in the end x


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## Hunibunni (Jan 18, 2009)

Hi AliceinNHSland I didn't want to read and run. Just want to send you a virtual hug. It sucks when someone tells you to wait when you know in your heart you're ready for the journey. I had to wait 6 months after my last IVF treatment so I know how it feels as we decided to go down the adoption route before the last treatment and we ready.  We ended up having a nice trip to San Francisco to put our minds off it and the 6 months soon came around again. 



Xx


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## lynsbee (Jun 21, 2013)

Hi,
I didn't want to read and run. Is there another agency you can contact as some ages ask for a 6 months 'grieving'  time rather than a year.
I wish you all the best.
We had 7yrs of TTC and ivf then adoption road.....finally we are a family of 3 x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Big hugs Alice. I remember feeling exactly the same as you when we were told we had to wait to 'grieve'. I thought it was utterly ridiculous and that they were treating us as a text book case rather that individuals. How dare they 'think' they ow me better than i know myself. But i have to be honest, and believe me at the time I NEVER ever thought I would type these words,  but I did need That time. You are expected to bare your soul during hs and of for me, half way through the process, I realised I couldn't have done that when we had just finished treatment. We too knew years ago that we were ready to move onto adoption from treatment, but it was a different feeling to realising and accepting  I would never have a birth child. 

Please, please, please don't think I am being patronising, thinking I know better. I am not, honestly. This was just my experience as I remember feeling the exact same way.

Saying that, we too were told by numerous agencies we had to wait at least 6 months and up to a year by others. Please phone around because they differ so much. In the end, after hitting rock bottom and having counselling I woke one morning 3 months later and knew I was ready. I phoned an agency, persuaded them to visit and told them what I had gone through and learnt during those 3 months. they agreed we were ready and 12 months after our last failed treatment our 8 month old dream come true was in our arms. 

Don't give up xx


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Sorry you're going through this Alice 

It's such a shame when there are children out there in real need of a loving family, & to set a completely arbitrary universal "grief" period of a year is ridiculous.

I actually looked into adoption as a first choice rather than put myself through IVF, but it was encountering all the rigid bureaucracy, obstructiveness & hoops to jump that forced us down the treatment route. 

I hope it passes quickly for you and that you will get your dream of a family in the end.

B xxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Alice

I felt exactly the same when we were told we had to wait 6 months after our last treatment before we could apply. 

But I do actually feel grateful now for that time. I spent a lot of it crying and coming to terms with our losses. A year would have been too long for us but 6 months (well they let us start after 5 months actually) was just about right for me. DH was ready way before, he's adopted so has always been onboard. 

So it may be worth phoning around as others have said. And it will pass. Towards the end of that time, after I'd stopped crying, DH and I had such a good time together and it passed quickly really. 

Now we are well and truly on our way we have encountered delays galore, just the nature of adoption. Frustrating but nothing can be done about it. We just try to enjoy this time together as a couple before we won't be able to even enjoy a quiet cuppa ever again 

Very best wishes to you and welcome aboard this slooooow train to parenthood!!

xxxxx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Alice do you both feel ready to proceed?

If so I'd speak to another agency/LA...we had a miscarriage via Ivf in July and got accepted to start stage 1 in August...

We thought they might ask for a grieving period but because we made it clear we had been looking into adoption and we felt ready we got through...that's not to say its not been asked a few times but we where ready and found it a positive step after a miscarriage x


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

As everyone say phone around to other agencies, also the period about waiting is for when you formally apply to an agency or LA to adopt, you can go to any info days and do all your preliminary work before this date, don't loose hope, you will get there xx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Unfortunately government guidelines suggest that people who want to adopt should wait a minimum of 6 months between their last treatment date and applying to adopt.
It used to be a 1 year wait!

Anyway, as others have suggested you may be better calling round a few agencies/local authorities as you don't have to go with the one where you live, choose one within 50 miles is the best bet.

You can use this website to search for your nearest adoption agencies http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/find-an-adoption-agency/


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Alice,
We had our initial visit from sw last week to discuss if there was any reason why we shouldn't apply. Our last ivf was November last year and she felt happy that we were in the right place to apply so we're just waiting to hear if they've accepted us onto stage one. This authority doesn't have any set time criteria from end of treatment so definitely try some other agencies.
Good luck and I hope you can move forward, I know we are definitely ready and were pretty soon after treatment. For us it was a combination in going into ivf with our eyes wide open that it was highly unlikely to succeed (less than 10% chance) and we'd talked about adoption for a number of years. I did my grieving and their were many tears but applying to adopt has given us our future back and I'm in a really good place now. I hadn't realised how much ivf and ttc takes away from you until we stopped.
I'm now able to chat with colleagues about pregnancies, babies etc and genuinely enjoy these conversations without constantly feeling torn apart that it still wasn't me  expecting. I've definitely left all that behind and genuinely feel enormous relief to have done so.
If you know you're ready keep at it and find another agency, you could be a family by the time this agency want you to apply and be living your life. I wish you all the very best.


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## AliceinNHSLand (Oct 18, 2012)

Thanks all for your replies!

Certainly do not think you are being patronising  It was very reassuring to read all of your journeys  

We are both very much on board, Hubby even said lets move to an area that says 6 months as opposed to 12 months (had to point out a little thing called his job lol).

As mentioned these rules are in place for a reason and if we are going to go forward in December then that is something you have to accept. You are playing by the rules in place 

We are going to make the next 10 months or so a great time for us...Go on Child 'unfriendly' holidays, focus on getting our animals 'adoption ready' (I think it will be a big upheaval for them, pampered pets that they are!) and generally enjoying being Husband and Wife before we become Mummy and Daddy. The infertility journey and then Adoption decision takes up a lot of our lives as we all know! So we are trying to take the positive in that this has given us a 'Free Pass' of time not to think about a future family and to focus on our existing one  

Still disappointed but onwards and upwards as they say! Applications will be placed on the 1st of December!


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## pyjamas (Jun 24, 2011)

Glad that you sound more positive today. It does help to sound off here occasionally and hear from others who may be in the same boat now or were at some time. Let us know how you get on and if you decide to contact any other LAs who may be willing for yo to apply after 6 months instead of the year x


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Hi Alice I felt just like you but am so glad I had that time. I had a few months of real grief when I found out one of my best friends was pregnant. I cried and cried and had to get it out of my system before I came to adoption.


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## AndyCapp (Nov 26, 2012)

Alice - I am so proud of you for all you have taken on and given up in the last few years.

Together we can achieve anything, and although it will take a bit longer than we thought, it will be worth the struggle when we will add to our family and you will be a fantastic mum.

Love you x


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## Becky29forever (Aug 3, 2011)

Hi Alice

Just wanted to say I've been where you are too. I was told to wait 6 months from our last ivf but at least it wasn't a hard and fast rule to the day. They wanted to make sure we were in the right headspace & after a bit of discussion agreed to interview us to see what they thought of us even though it hadn't quite been 6 months. 
I agree with another poster here - initially I was livid. I knew my mind and heart were set on adoption because I felt ivf had been a continual grieving process. We took the time out to have a fantastic holiday, decorate the house & think of other things apart from fertility treatments etc I didn't think I needed the time but I felt so much better and stronger to move on. I found that I felt more positive. 
In the end although the first authority said they were happy to take us we went to another authority once we felt ready.
I can say with all honesty that a break helped us close that painful chapter & allowed us to regroup in our relationship, if that makes sense?
I also can say for me since putting in our first enquiry the adoption process has flown. Maybe that's because there is a lot to fit in to the shorter time the govt has set, you're so busy you don't notice it. Lol!
Don't give up, just take a break. I genuinely recommend it. You will start this process so much stronger and freer. 
Good luck Hun x


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## AliceinNHSLand (Oct 18, 2012)

And we are back in it!

We found and agency that is happy to accept us. Our initial visit with the SW went well. Hound behaved, only one cat did a number two halfway through the interview not all four. 

Both sets of Grandparents are bouncing off the walls as are all the Aunties, Uncles, Nephews, Godchildren and Friends  

I am now volunteering with our local Guides and Rainbows Groups and have contacted the Scouts. I will also be volunteering at one of our local primary schools in Nursery and Reception classes (TINY!!! Way too small to be at school in uniform but very very sweet and LOUD )

I have also been a on a trip of a lifetime with my Mum and Nana to Dubai, three generations together it was lovely!

Husband is eyeing up every safety device ever known to man or woman and our first lot of documents to fill out has arrived, cannonballing through our letter box with a mighty thump!  

I know we should have patience to aaccept things that we cannot change but I am very pleased that we had the perseverance to find the right agency for us (although it is early stages so far  )

Thank you for all your help and on we go with our journey all together!


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah how lovely to read Alice! Good luck. I replied in feb to say our LA took us on in feb after last treatment in October. We're coming to the end of stage 2 now and go to panel 1st September. I have no regrets what so ever, going through this process has healed me more than any amount of time would but everyone is different so I respect those that have the time out.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Great news Alice. Thanks for the update.


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Good luck with your journey


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