# it wasnt meant to be this way



## charden79 (Dec 28, 2013)

i never thought i would be 35 and still not a mum why does life have to be so cruel, having a family of my own is the only thing i have ever wanted and still being childless is the worst pain i have ever felt. everyone around me either has kids or bumps i just dont know how much more i can take. i know i am lucky in lots of ways but my life feels so empty without a little family of my own. i just dont see any light at the end of this long lonely tunnel.


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi, I agree there is no pain quite like infertility. If you don't mind me asking, what is your situation, are you waiting for ivf?


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Charden79

We have spoken before and I when I read your post I thought, "I could have written that! That is exactly how I feel!"

I didn't meet my dream man until I was 30 and I just assumed that when we wanted to have a baby, after getting married, it would happen straight away when it didn't we started down the test route that shattered my dreams and I am still trying to face up to the fact that it may never happen!

I swing between denial and positivity so wildly I don't think even my DH can keep up with me!

Today is a pretty bad day, I'm just feeling really sad and can't seem to snap myself out of it!

When everybody around you is pregnant or has babies it's really tough and I feel your pain.

Somebody on this site said something that I think was really apt,  I say this as I can't take credit for it! That is that infertility is like grieving for a lost loved one, except that as with grieving the pain gets easier every day, with infertility it gets worse!

If you accept that that is how it is you can in some way begin to cope with it all, including everybody else's bumps and babies, you have to go easy on yourself and not wonder when it will get better. Just live each day at a time and learn to cope with each small bit at a time!

Lots of hugs and love to you my darling, I won't tell you it gets easier but you will get better at coping in time I promise!

Pudding
X


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Having a bad day too   I think that's just how this journey is, some good days and many really bad ones.

I think that the more I try to find reason in it the worse it gets.  I remember giggling out of embarrassment when my DH told me about his vasectomy when we first met.  It was such early days.  I didn't know anything back then, hard to imagine a time when I didn't know about morphology or sperm antibodies  

My DH doesn't believe that it's possible for life to be unfair because it is what we make it.  I try to see it that way but it's hard when others, fate, our bodies or circumstances take the element of choice away.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way.  Life can be very unfair, we're not brought up to know that these things ever happen, so it's such a shock that they do.  I was watching Game of Thrones the other night and they were talking about having babies - you fall in love, get married and you have a baby.  Simple, that's how we're taught it  happens.... It's rare the story goes fall in love, get married, try for years and end up on a table with your legs strapped in the air and a team of embryologist.  No one mentions talking to admin as being the norm on the route to a baby.

Argh, yes it is so unfair. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you all too xxx


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## charden79 (Dec 28, 2013)

thanks everyone alotbsl i have been refused any treatment due to a high bmi i have pcos and currently plucking up courage to find another doctor. i thought i had been coping quite well but it seems to have just hit me again.


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Must be a day for feeling bad as me to.  I have been with my partner since I was 21 and I am 37 now. Neither of us wanted kids in our 20's so we put off trying until I hit 30 then all the problems started, cysts, abnormal smears, blocked tubes then finally no eggs! I have now happily moved onto donor eggs but and can't help but dwell on the fact that if we had tried when we were younger maybe it would have been successful, maybe I would have had my own eggs to use. If only we knew then what we know now.


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## Asja (Oct 8, 2013)

Alotbsl, your story sounds like mine.  I've been with my husband since I was 22, and we didn't start trying for children until I was 35. My mother had six children, and my two sisters got pregnant while taking bcp, so it never occurred to me that I would have problems getting pregnant. Years dragged on, doctors, drugs, etc.  Four years later we got our daughter from ivf. But I wonder what would have happened if we tried five or ten years earlier.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

ARGH, hindsight truly is a terrible thing.  I had 11 years with an ex where I could have had a baby. It's an odd one to reminisce about as it was a dreadful relationship and I swore not to have a baby in it....yet I sort of wish I had....or found the courage to leave him when I knew I had to (after about 1 month of being with him   ), so stupid.

It would have made my life so different but I probably wouldn't have met my dh.  I'm not sure how I feel about that right now  

DH IS right in this circumstance though, life is fair here because I made my choices that led me here.  I just didn't realise that I was making them at the time  

Hindsight can eat you up xxx


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## charden79 (Dec 28, 2013)

for me i think turning 35 has sort of made me think more about my situation its like time really is running out now if normal healthy fertility starts to decline after 35 what chance do i have. like you other ladies i didnt meet my mr right untill i was 29 and of course never thought i would have any problems conceiving and to not beable to get any help kind of leaves me lost. we have talked about adoption as an option but after doing some research have found out that high bmi;s goes against you there too i really cant face a future without children being part of it.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah honey it was ant meant to be this hard for any of us.

I would say you need a "plan" - I always find it helps my mood. When I'm feeling depressed (had a bit of a bad time recently) I force myself to plan and act and now I can see a bit of sunlight again.

As you have PCOS and a high bmi you obviously need some help as the pcos is a b  when it comes to weight. Your GP should be able to refer you to a endocrinologist, and even a dietician if your BMI is high enough. Also, have a look at the Verity website, there is lots of information on there and also a really good forum with food and weight stuff that's useful.

With regards to adoptions if it's something you are even half interested just call a few agencies. They all have different rules, but they are no where near as strict as the IVF BMI limits. Also, they are more concerned about the fact that people are active, and actively trying to reduce their weight than your actual weight.

Also, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you seem quite depressed. Some of the things you have said seem to express that feeling of hopelessness and bleakness about the future that I have had. Counselling may really help you get some of the fight and motivation back into your life. I went to my GP and requested an appointment: I had my initial appointment and it's a 6 month wait, although just that first appointment has helped me loads and I have now booked onto my first adoption open evening and started doing that "Couch to 5k" thing (haven't ran before and my endo pain normally stops me doing anything physical). Most importantly, although I still feel pretty miserable and depressed, I also feel like I have a "focus" and a fight that I felt like I had lost.

Thinking of you honey xxxx


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## leedspack (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi, 

Didn't want to read and not post... Like a lot of the others who've replied I can relate to your frustration and upset. I too met dh when I was 29, and like most didn't expect to have problems. But here we are! Bmi was also an issue and I had to loose weight before we were permitted treatment, still hoping for a miracle. 

I know it's easier said than done but try to stay positive and focus on the things you can change / influence and hopefully you'll find the right path to your family.


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## Cranky Angie (Jan 16, 2013)

Couldn't read and run. It took me over 2 years to conceive number 1 and another 8 years to conceive number 2 (with donor eggs). I never thought or wanted to be pregnant at 46 but hey if that's how it is that's how it is. My life is far from perfect and I have made stupid decisions in the past with partners and ex partners, stayed with people i shouldnt have, left people i should etc etc but I guess that's just life. At the time you think you're doing ok, and I actually think sometimes the nicest people make the worst decisions cos we don't always put ourselves first when maybe we should've done. This is where we are at, we can't change the past so lets try and make the best of our present and futures with what we have. 
Good luck to you all, I have struggled with stepchildren and ex wives, difficult partners and crushing infertility for many years now, I know how how it is. Stay positive, keep focused and never ever give up on your dreams. We only have one life, I believe we have to look forward, not back,  regrets solve nothing and I am determined not to end up old and bitter!!! 
Love to all.
Ange xxxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

charden.

at 35 there was no light at the end of the tunnel... or at 36....37...38...

i shed a lot of tears...

at 39, 40, 41 and 42... no light, little hope.....

but at 43 .... today we go to get my baby his birth certificate. the sweet own egg baby i i almost believed i'd never get to meet. but he's here. 


keep the faith. 35 isn't the end. being someone's mum can still happen.   i know the waiting is tough.. but things can change. good luck.


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

*Charden,* how are you feeling now? I am going to be 35 in August and I, like you, feel a sense of panic that time is not on my side . It's great to hear stories like Goldbunny's and others, who have had a baby in their 40's, gives us some hope. I never wanted children in my 20's at all, I thought I would have them one day and I never thought for one moment I wouldn't be able to. Even when others around me were struggling to conceive, I arrogantly thought, that wont happen to me, my periods are regular so everything must be fine....little did I know I would be here now .

I have good days and bad days too, like everyone else, sometimes I feel upbeat and positive, sometimes low and hopeless, I have begun to try and accept how I feel in the moment (I can feel a range of emotions in the same hour!) and support myself as best I can, but I feel your pain, it goes so deep doesn't it?

I also read that you said a high BMI can go against you in terms of adoption! That seems outrageous to me! Isn't that discrimination of some sort? I feel for you as all these 'rules' can really get to you. We are not allowed IVF on the NHS as my DH has children already, makes me so mad!

I hope that you are feeling a bit better now


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## charden79 (Dec 28, 2013)

thanks everyone for your replies, its nice to know that age doesn't have to be an end to our dreams. your stories are inspirational and so lovely to read. infertility is such a cruel thing and knowing that i am not alone on this journey is such a relief  i don't have anyone in my life who has ever suffered with fertility problems and as my partner already has children i often feel i have nobody to talk to who truly understands how lonely and painful things can be. i have good and bad times i thought i had been coping quite well recently getting on with day to day life i even managed to watch a whole episode of one born every minute without crying the other day which never happens. then boom it hits me again everywhere i go all i see is bumps and babies. i just wish that sometimes i could just forget about it all if only i could have a few hours where the pain would disappear.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh Charden, having a partner with children can make this journey that extra bit harder and lonelier.  My Dh has taken a very long time to understand and also understand that without a baby its hard to see that it will ever end.  He is trying hard now,  but at the end of the day,  he can still come home and cuddle his children.  It's just not the same, well for me it isn't anyway because he's my best friend and I naively thought that we'd go through this together. 

It is incredibly isolating sometimes and so hard not to focus on the fact that it feels like the whole world has something that we don't.  I know lots of women are ok with programmes that focus on babies,  I avoid them completely. They make me brood and then it feels like I never have any head space. 

I don't know anyone else with fertility problems either and out of every single person that I know of or even work with in passing, I am the only one without children.  Weird feeling isn't it. 

I wish that i had some wise advice for you other than don't put yourself through more than you have to... stay away from one born every minute lovely at least xxx


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## Clara01 (Feb 2, 2014)

Oh Charden, I just wanted to send you a hug!   I just turned the big FOUR-0 and I never thought I would be childless myself.   Maybe one day we both will be lucky enough to me moms!


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## Cranky Angie (Jan 16, 2013)

Charden I have had times when I've seen pregnant women or women with babies when I've just had another bfn or a mc when I actually started to hyperventilate and thought I was going to faint the pain was so intense. People who haven't experienced it have no idea what that pain is like. Stay away from anything that causes you pain and treat yourself kindly. You so deserve it. Like Molly said having a partner with children can make it harder too as the playing field is different and you constantly feel at a disadvantage. Even now I feel at a disadvantage cos DH has 3 children and I only have 1!! And then you get the fact that they've done it all before so it's not so special for them and so on. Protect yourself, treat yourself and stay strong. You can do this   
Ange xx


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## charden79 (Dec 28, 2013)

thanks everyone it is hard to stay away from situations that hurt us isnt it i am trying to stay strong and positive maybe sometimes i am to hard on myself i totally agree with you ange having a partner with kids is so very hard at times and i constantly think hes done all this before so it doesnt matter so much. molly we have talked about having a partner with kids before and i have taken alot of advice you gave and found it so helpful and the childless step mums website you recommended was really useful. clara1 yes lets hope we are mummys one day too we all derseve it so much. im so glad i found this site with so many amazing ladies i never feel alone. xx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

I can really relate to what you say about feeling your partner has done all this before, my DH has two children and I often feel that too. He has a boy and a girl so sometimes I feel angry that we can't even have a different sex to make it 'special' and different for us.  My DH says it will be special because our baby will be ours and we will be a family, but it still feels painful.  Once when I was watching One Born, which I still put myself through, he commented on the couples having a mum or someone else in the delivery room and said he didn't think that should happen as it's such a special time between two people it should just be them. Arghh I felt like I had been hit in the stomach, he didn't know what he had said until it was too late, damage done. It was just such a stark reminder that he has been there before. Made me feel so sad and these are things you don't think about when getting together with someone who already has children.


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## charden79 (Dec 28, 2013)

hi wisp i know exactly what you are saying my dh has girls so the only little consolation is i could have a boy. he too says it will be special because its the two of us but knowing he has done it all with someone else is very painful. i never stopped to think about it being hard dating a man with kids i wasn't aware of mu fertility problems until we started ttc then i found it really difficalt to cope with.


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Urgh Wisp, they just don't know what they say sometimes do they  .  DH also has a boy and girl, it does feel like I can't give him anything that he hasn't already experienced.  During our first transfer though, I was laying on the table thinking 'well, you haven't done this before have you'   xx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Ha ha! Molly you make me laugh! Well we could all hope for twins, that's something they haven't already got, hee hee!!

Charden, I never thought we would have any problems conceiving either...I don't even really know what the problem is as it's currently 'unexplained', so just trying to do all we can naturally at the moment.  It is really hard to cope with as you say and having stepchildren feels like an added thing to deal with on top of it all, I feel it wouldn't be quite as awful as it is if my DH didn't already have children.


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