# Had a bit of a relapse



## Dieselbabe (Sep 30, 2005)

Hi Everyone

I just feel that I have to get my feelings out or else I will go mad.  A bit of history, we have just finished our 2nd ICSI and had another BFN.  This was nearly 3 weeks ago and I have been absolutely fine.  I had, had a feeling that it hadn't worked and so, when the test showed neg I wasn't too surprised and just decided to get on with my life, which I thought I was doing very well.

Anyway last night I was sitting catching up with X Factor from the weekend and I suddenly burst into tears, I was really sobbing.  When my DH came in I just went for it, shouting at him, saying things that I didn't really mean and he went out, coming back about 20 minutes later and started doing all the things I had been accusing him of not doing, putting stuff away etc, which just made me even worse.  Finally I calmed down and we started talking, he said that I had never told him how I really felt, I just started sobbing again and now I can't stop I just want to cry and cry.  I just feel that we'll never have a child and I don't really know how I feel about that.  I'm scared that if I let my real feelings in I'll never stop the tears.

I know this is probably quite normal after being what we've been through and my hormones are probably still all over the place from all the drugs but I could just lose it, I just want a baby, not the crown jewels or a million pounds.

I just wondered if anyone out there had, had the same thing happen to them suddenly lose it after a few weeks, and I just wanted to get my feelings out a bit and the only place I could think of is here, FF has been a lifeline for me through this.

Mandy xxx


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Mandy hunny.... You have been an absolute rock to all of us on the summer dreamers board, you gee'd us all up and gave us all hope. I just wish you were here with me now, as i would give you the biggest strongest hug. I know how you feel babe, i felt exactly the same last time, thinking it would never happen, frustrated, crying, just needed to punch something so hard to get all my anger out. Youre doing the right thing by talking to your hubby even if it is after heated exchange of words, the fact is... you _can_ talk to each other, so long as you keep this up, you'll be okay and then you can go on to fight for another chance. You have got the determination to carry on and get your dream, i know you have. Above all you deserve it. 
Please dont suffer on your own Mandy, pm me any time for a rant, talk, anything. 
Love to you both 
Ceri XXXXXXX


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## Dieselbabe (Sep 30, 2005)

Thank you so much Ceri, you're amazing, you are a huge support and I can feel your hug.  Just what I needed.  Hope you're feeling okay.

Mandy xxx


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## Rah (Jun 9, 2006)

Mandy,
The same thing just happened to me. 2 BFN this year. Last one 12th Oct. Ok til about a week ago. Often cry in the car on the way home now, or at the tv for no reason. Don't feel I can tell anyone cos everyone saying how strong I was and seem to have forgotten about it. Make sure you and hubby look after your relationship as its the best support you can get (apart from this amazing site!). It sounds like you've been a great support to many others on this site so if you believe in Karma good things are coming your way.

If you find yourself crying at Eastenders or the 6 o clock news, remember your not the only one!

Sarah


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## Dieselbabe (Sep 30, 2005)

Thank you so much for your post Sarah and I'm so sorry about your 2 BFN's, we are exactly in the same boat.  I'm still very emotional, I just think it's our hormones going mad, and my hubby has been fantastic, it sounds like you know how that feels.  I so agree with what you say about feeling as though everyone seems to have forgotton.  It's definitely right when people say the easiest thing is the treatment.  I think the hardest thing is to get on with your life afterwards as a lot of the support just disappears.  I don't know what I'd do without this site.

Are you going to try again?  Have you been to see your cons? We are looking at starting another cycle in Feb or March next year but I'm having some counselling and stuff beforehand to try and get some positivity back.  This will be our last go so I want to try everything I can, although I refuse to paint my bedroom orange or lavendar or whatever, eat my own body weight in selenium or anything else like that.

You take care of yourself, I always find a new handbag helps.  Keep smiling.

Lots of love

Mandy xxxx


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## mads1972 (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Mandy

I so know what you are going through! We have only had one ICSI treatment a while ago and I still have a relapse now and again. Get those feelings out in the open and get strong again, I do hope your determination will be rewarded with a positive result!

It's great to speak to people who's experiences and situations I can relate to, I am not alone after all.

Love 

Mads


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## fluffyhelen9999 (May 13, 2005)

Hi Mandy,

I think what your experiencing is perfecty normal..  I think it's just best to let it all out.

I've had a hell of a year as far as treatment and health has been concerned and i think it's only after my most recent BFN that things all seem to have caught up with me.  This year I've had 2 operations, which both haven't gone smoothly (kidney op and tube removal), I've had 1 cancelled cycle of IVF, and 2 BFN's now... I think I've just got to the point of thinking what is the point, I've wasted thousands of £'s which we can't afford (so mainly on credit card), on a dream that may never come true anyway...  I am truly blessed to already have my ds but my longing and desperation to have another one is probably greater than what it was before I had him, which is   I know!  I just really want to get to a point in my life when I feel content with what I've got and be able to put all this IVF stuff behind me!

Anyway, what I'm saying is, do talk to people, don't keep things inside I do that far too much and it really isn't good...
take care and try not to loose sight of your dream.

Helen xxx


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## Dieselbabe (Sep 30, 2005)

Thank you so much for your messages ladies, it's so lovely to know that I'm not the only one struggling with it all.  My DH has been brilliant and one good thing out of all this is our relationship seems to be stronger.

May all our dreams come true.

Lots of love

Mandy xxxx


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## Rah (Jun 9, 2006)

Hi Mandy,

You joke about the handbag! I have spent about £250 on clothes since my neg result! I think that was a way of making me feel better. Anyone else binge shopped to cope? (I actually can't afford to).

I wish it were funny but obviously need the money for treatment. I am seeing consultant on 12th Dec to discuss using 3 frosties (never had any before....won't miss having egg collection). Me and hub also set a limit on treatment...one frozen and 2 more fresh. It must be awful if last go is not successful but you must find yourself rich in many other ways (my 5 month old boxer is one of my blessings). She understands everything about me I'm sure!

Maybe we will match similar dates on 3rd attempt....3rd time lucky and all that

Love 

Sarah


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## Dieselbabe (Sep 30, 2005)

Hi Sarah

I'm not joking about the handbag, both times I've had to buy something, maybe that's me being shallow, or just a good excuse, like we always put the IVF money on the Tesco's credit card, that way we get Tesco's points and vouchers (this time about £50.00) so I can feel like I'm getting something back, do you know what I mean?  A small positive.

I really do feel like you need a cut off point with this rollercoaster ride, I just want to get to a point where, if it hasn't worked and we have to look at a future without children, we can say we tried everything we wanted to. I don't want to get to a point a few years ahead and say 'I wish we'd tried. . . .'  I've also heard from people that they get to a stage where you realise you don't want kids anymore.  I have an age thing, I'm 42 now, and I really don't want to go past 45 still trying.  It would be a time for more handbags and maybe  even a couple of pairs of shoes. . . .now I'm waffling.

We're looking at Feb or March for our third go, yes, third go lucky, I'm having some counselling at the moment and she also does deep relaxation and hypnotherapy, I'm going to try to get rid of all the negativity I feel about the 2 previous cycles, and also try and get some purpose to my life if the third one doesn't work ( you see. .  . negative), but you know what I mean I'm sure.

When are you looking to start your third one?  Even if it's not at the same time, I'm here if you need me.  

Lots of love

Mandy xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

sorry to butt in girls just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in spending when ivf fails, after our second bfn we spent the money we had borrowed for our conservatory on a hot tub that we don't use still haven't managed to replace it and i don't think we will ever get sorted 

pam xx


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## SLG (Apr 17, 2006)

Hi girls I just had to respond to this about the shopping! Firstly I wanted to say this board is a godsend, its the first time I've been on this(negative cycle) one. I'm feeling pretty low at the moment just bursting into tears almost daily after (dh's) negative sperm retrieval and 4 negative insems in the last 9 months.  I am on my 5th 2ww and should be feeling excited but just can't as absolutely petrified of another BFN.   Anyway dh and I have spent so much over the last year since he was diagnosed with azoospermia -holiday to italy, PS2 for dh last year and loads of nice clothes -diesel, firetrap, nice brands. It does make you feel better but then that quickly wears off so you go and buy more. But hey, we need to be kind to ourselves and treat ouselves as often as possible as we've been through so much. I'm so glad I'm not the only one but I am a bit worried that I should be saving not spending! 

All the best to all you lovely ladies  xxx


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## Dieselbabe (Sep 30, 2005)

Hi Girls

I think whatever helps you get through this bloody awful rollercoaster that is IVF is worth doing, so if that's handbags, holidays or hot tubs, then so be it.  

Saphy75 I see that you recently adopted, how's it going, did you adopt in the UK or abroad?  Sorry about all the questions but very interested in hearing all about it.

Lots of     SLG for your 2WW, my fingers are crossed.

lots of love everyone

Mandy xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi girls firstly big (((((hugs))))) to you all believe me i know how hard getting those bfn's is

Mandy we adopted in the uk but we were incredibly lucky to have a baby under 1 year old placed with us as the legal process for children in care can be quite long and often birth families will fight to get their children back (not the case for our little boy) 

pam xx


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