# Another newbie, guidance needed, Essex



## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

Hello.

I'm not really sure where to start - basically my girlfriend (34) is desperate for a baby, and I am doing all I can to support her.  

We have done lots of research already and discovered the London Womens Clinic through reading some of the threads here.  It looks good but very expensive.

If we did go through TLWC we are wavering over whether to go for donor insemination (either natural or stimulated) or the full works and go for IVF due to better success rates.

But then with both options through TLWC she is also concerned about frozen sperm. But then I read that buying fresh sperm online (and DIY-ing) is illegal these days.

We are both at the start of what we know could be a very long and potentially heart breaking journey and could really do with some initial guidance from people who have been and are in similar situations to ourselves.

Thank you for taking the time to read this - all responses gladly received.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Welcome to the thread, London Women's Clinic has inseminars  and generla info sessions I think that there is one on the 9 May and then you get a discounted first appt if you have been to one and book an appt. 

All donor sperm through clinic is frozen as the donors are tested for infectious dieases, sperm frozen, then retested after 6 months window period then the sperm is released for use.  It is a HFEA rule that it has to be froen sperm.  You cannot legally buy fresh sperm, what you will see are websites where known donors are offering you to use their sperm at home sites like free sperm donors worldwide etc. I took my friend as a known donor to the clinic.

Good Luck with your journey

L x


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## kelz2009 (Jan 18, 2009)

hello summer_rain,  me and my dp are at lwc in wales we had our first consultation last year but had to save money and i was advised to lose weight. 
We went back to clinic this year 25th march 09 and had bloods, counselling and had to fill in donor form , so they could find us a match, 1 week later we had phonecall with donor but unfortuately he wasnt the right donor for us , so we refused that donor. I had phonecall again a week later to say all bloods were normal and they had found us another donor who was perfect so we accepted, they told me to phne them on 1st day of my period to go in for baseline scan which should of been today but surprise, surprise my period decides not to show so cant go for my scan tomorrow at 1.30pm not very happy    .
when period decides to show we wil go to clinic for scan and we start injections on this day, we were advised to have medicated.
when you go for initial consultation they will go through your options of treatment and what they think will best work for you both, this is a very emotional time and you both need to support each other which u probably know.  all the best xxx
p.s im 23 and my dp is 36


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hi summer rain!

nice to 'meet' you.

we were treated at LWC and im now 7 1/2 months preg.  it took us 10 months and 3 IUIs before we got preg ... we were very lucky!  although we had had a previous 18 months of planning, tests, going to another clinic, and trying with known donor.

like JJ1 says the clinic will advise you on the best kind of treatment.  but you could go to your first consultation with the bloods predone as it will give them a better understanding when you go and see them.  thats what i did.  some peeps have managed to get their gp's to fund them.

i was a bit 'desperate' at times in the TTC rollercoaster ... and thank god my dp kept me sane as she just always 'knew' it was gonna happen.  are you excited about the prospect of being a parent?  

love aimeexx


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## mintyfaglady (Aug 25, 2007)

Hi there and welcome. Your partner is lucky to have you supporting her and you've come to a good place for getting all the info you'll need.

Though it is now illegal, as you said, for people to sell fresh sperm, there are still places you can go to find fresh donors, where you pay introduction fees, or some where introductions are free. There are people on the board who have met their donors this way, so if you're interested in trying at home, I'm sure they'll fill you in. There's also the possibility of asking a friend to donate, if you can think of someone suitable. It can be a bit tricky negotiating how you want things to work out between you all, but there have been recent changes to the law which means your legal rights as a second parent (if you want that role) are much more protected. You can even have your name on the birth certificate. It's certainly a lot cheaper, if money is an issue for you.

We started trying at home with a KD, but ended up at a clinic and eventually needed IVF but luckily it worked and our fantastic son was born in March. We couldn't be happier.

Good luck to you.

Minty
xxx


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Hi summer_rain,

I just wanted to say welcome to FF. Wishing you and your partner luck on your TTC journey, you will certainly get lots of good advise, information and support here.

Love S x


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## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

Thank you for the responses so far...

JJ1 - We have booked our spaces at the Womens Clinic on May 9th.  Any idea what sort of discounts you are likely to get?

kelz - Sounds like you are well into the whole process despite the minor setback of a no-show.  Fingers crossed you can get your injections started asap.  An emotional time is a massive understatement and we are only at the very beginning of the whole process but we are determined that the whole thing will bring us closer together. 

The initial consultation sounds as if it will really clarify which route will be the best one for us.

aimeegaby - Congratulations!  I bet you can't wait for the next 6/7 weeks to rush by!

My other half hasn't got a gp at the moment (we are in the process of trying to move house) and not sure she actually wants to talk about it with her gp anyway so we may just have to pay for the bloods to be done ourselves.

I actually have 2 children from a previous relationship but am really looking forward to the chance of doing it all over again.  Just to hold teeny tiny little hands with their miniscule fingernails and that wonderful baby smell...

Minty - Congrats on the birth of your son.  I bet you are over the moon!

We did try approaching 2 friends with a view to them being donors but it doesn't seem as if it will work out.  At least not now, although the possibility of a few years time was mentioned.  Ideally my other half really wanted one of these guys to be the father as she is really struggling with the thought that a random stranger will contribute half the genetic make up of her child. 

MandMtb - thank you for your kind welcome.


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

so summer rain ... youre a mummy already!  how old are your children?  yes the baby smell is LOVELY.

axxx


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## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

I have a 10 year old and a 13 year old.  Their baby days seem a very long time ago now though.  I have grown up and changed so much over the years and it seems like I have been given a second chance to do it all over again.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Hi Summer rain- I went to a LWC insenimar but it was aimed at egg sharers and I was >35 so too old, they had sent me and a few others the wrong date, it was aimed as the young chicks!!- but then you got your first appt free if you booked one after going to an insenimar talk, so worth about £150-60.

Best of Luck and welcome to the thread - I am sure that you can give advice to the other mums on parenting and teenage tips!!

L x


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## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

Hi JJ1!

I think I'm prob more in need of advice re teenagers rather than being able to give it!

Thanks for the info re discounts - we have discussed the option of egg sharing.  At one point we looked at me giving eggs in exchange for treatment for my other half but it doesn't seem to work that way, plus I am very close to the age cut off limit so probably not practical either.  

My other half is more concerned about if she does egg share, if hers don't take and the person she donates to does, that she may have a genetic child somewhere she doesn't know about, and if it doesn't work for her, then I think it would be too traumatic for her if that makes sense?


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay summer rain -

i have seen that situation with a lovely girl who posts on these threads where she had two bfns and her recipient at least the first time got a bfp ... which must have been really tough.

im sure you can give us good teenage tips ... im not sure the top age of the FF LGB children on these boards ... but i think you might be the winner!

are your children boys or girls?  
do they know your plans to have another baby with your partner?  are they excited?  or are you waiting to tell them when tx etc is more established?

love ax


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

Welcome to the board summer_rain! 
I was just wondering which part of Essex you are in - v easy access to London or further out? The reason I ask is because, depending on what treatment route you go down (i.e. how frequently you are monitored/scanned during a treatment cycle - the most frequent being for IVF of course), then travelling in to London for clinic visits can be a bit of a pain. That's assuming that you decide to go the clinic route at all of course! We live in Colchester, and used LWC for 6 IUI cycles + 1 IVF to conceive our son). We are now at ISIS clinic here in Colchester - so much easier for getting to appointments/scans (and I prefer the atmosphere of a smaller clinic too). Big advantage to LWC though is their donor sperm bank - you'd have to source sperm elsewhere if you went somewhere like ISIS. I think that quite a lot of people have imported sperm from a Danish sperm bank (think it's Danish, definitely one of the Nordic countries), where you get a whole lot more detailed information on donors than you do in the UK. It can be rather strange knowing so little about one half of the genetic make-up of your baby (as your DP says), but once you actually have the baby, you really only think about it occasionally. For instance, Toby has his donor's colouring, and doesn't really look much like me, so of course we do wonder if he resembles the donor in looks as well as colouring. Actually, he looks a lot more like my wife than he does me, and he has certainly picked up several of her behavioural traits! Nurture is t least as important as nature


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## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

Hi aimee,

Not 100% with all these terms yet - bfns? bfp?  I can make an educated guess though...  I can't begin to think how painful a situation that would be.

Both my children are girls, and no we haven't told them yet.  There is no point until we know if it is going to be a reality or not. 

Its doubly hard cos we are both pretty much still in the closet so to speak.  

Hi nismat,

We are fairly well placed between Colchester and London so getting to either is quite easy.  I didn't know about the ISIS clinic in Colchester and will definately do further research on it.  Thank you.


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

ahh hon - that must be tough for you being in the closet ...is it all quite new for you guys...?

do you and your children live with your DP?

BFN and BFP ... big fat no and big fat pregnancy!  ill see if i can find a list of abbreviations somewhere.... 

ax


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## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

Hey!  

We have been together 14 months now and yes we do all live together, but even though we share a room, the girls haven't actually picked up on the whole situation, or if they have, they haven't verbalised it!  I've never really been sure what to say to them, if anything so have sort of buried my head in the sand.

Thanks for explaining those abbreviations.


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

summer rain

click on this link for some of the most common abbreviations

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=190482.0

i think sometimes children sense when something is 'taboo' and isnt to be talked about ... they must pick up on your guys reluctance. i can imagine it must be pretty tough to broach the subject of your relationship with your girls ... but i guess when you do its going to make things a whole lot easier for everyone.

i guess if your girls dont know does that mean your other family members dont know? do you have a support network of friensd who know?

it must be fairly isolating for you which must be really hard.

axxxx


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## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

Thanks for the link.  

I haven't come out to my parents but I think they must have worked it out by now - we don't have a touchy/feely relationship so its hard to talk about really serious stuff.  They have met my other half though and really like her.  Her immediate family know about me, and some distant friends, but no-one local, so yes it is pretty isolating.

This is my first (and only) girl/girl relationship and although I would love to shout about it from the rooftops, I am very conscious of gossip and the potential for my girls to be picked on at school for having an "alternative" mum.  They have both had a lot to deal with over the last few years and I really don't want to make it any harder for them if I can help it.

If we do manage to have a baby I am hoping it will be easier as people seem to me to be more and more tolerant each year, plus the baby will grow up in a household where it is a norm to have 2 female authority figures, whereas my children spent their early years in a more traditional setting.

I don't know - its really hard to try and verbalise what my role or official title will be, cos in my mind my other half will be the mum, and I will be, I don't know - I am struggling with the term step-mum, but I think aunty (in this situation) is really condescending and I want to be much more than just a friend.  I guess this is something I will have to deal with if/when it happens.

Sorry - this post wasn't meant to turn into an essay!!!


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

Hi summer rain

i will see if i can find the link to a another 'chat' that one of the non tummy mums on here posted regarding the role of the non tummy mummy.

not so many non tummy mummies post but there are a few.  im sure they would love to share their experience.

if you wanted to specifically find some responses from the partner who hasnt carried the baby ... you could post another thread with something like that in the title ... to see who responds.

for me and my partner we both feel we are equally going to be the parents of our baby .. and we are both going to be called mummy ...  untill the baby names us something else, if she does.

it hasnt been easy for us to get to the stage ... gabs didnt know how her parents were going to be about us having the baby, and she didnt know how much they would feel like they were grandparents to our child, but they have taken it all completely in their stride and are really really happy with our family.

i can understand how you feel you want to protect your children from teasing at school for their alternative mum, but really how are they going to feel its ok and be able to be confident about something if its something that doesnt get talked about by their mum?

things definately are changing for the better all the time ... we live in a very small community where people can be very limited in their 'world' experience but on the whole we have met huge support for having a family.

gaby really had to face her demons coming back to gibraltar after 17 years, she left partly because of her mother's shame she was gay.  so she has come back with her partner and now is having a baby .... and things have moved on, her parents have.  and the community has.  but so has gabs ... it has taken her along time to get to this place of being so comfortable.  

its obviously a different thing for you guys as you are coming out, older, with children, and starting to plan a family together.

i dont know if any of this is helpful at all.

my heart really does go out to you.

love aimeexx


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=172568.0

here is the thread on non bio mums!


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## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

Hey aimee,

Thanks for the link - you are a mine of information!

I know I really ought to talk to the girls, and hopefully at some point I will be able to, but at the moment they are having to deal with their dad and I getting divorced plus the possibilty of moving to a new house and I think that for the time being its enough for them to deal with.  Plus they are both very very young for their age - the thought of anyone kissing makes them go urghhh!!!

If my other half does get conceive, I think that will probably be the time for total honesty.


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## Battenberry (Mar 18, 2009)

Hi Summer rain,

Thought I'd say Hi and welcome to FF.. I've not been around on here so long but everyone is so nice and supportive I'm sure you will get lots of useful info and support.

I've been reading your posts with interest, as my previous relationship was with a partner who had a daughter aged 10 when we first met, and was 15/16 when we split up. Her Mum (my ex) had previously been in heterosexual relationships, I was the first girl she'd been with too, so a similar situation. She found it really hard to tell her daughter we were in a relationship, and in fact never did fully the whole time we were together. Something was mentioned about me being a lesbian when her daughter was still quite young, and what that meant (ie I have relationships with girls!) but never the whole truth about our relationship, she was left to put that together herself, and to be honest I don't think she ever did. With hindsight (a wonderful thing) I think things would have been much easier, open and honest if we'd have been open and explained the situation and let her ask questions, but hindsight is a wonderful thing, and like you, we were so concerned with how she would take it, would it really unsettle her/cause problems between her and her mum/increase the chances of her getting picked on at school. My ex wasn't out to any of her family (well anyone at all really) which meant that telling her would mean acknowledging it to the rest of the family, something she wasn't prepared to do, although I thought it would have been best it wasn't my place to force this upon her. 

It was a really difficult situation and a cause of stress for me with our relationship (though I'm not suggesting this is the same for you!) I really empathise with your situation, it's so tricky and just thought sharing my experience might help you feel a bit less isolated. Hope you don't mind me sticking my nose in!!

Hope you find lots of useful info on here,
Much love, B X


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## summer_rain (Apr 21, 2009)

Hi Battenberry,

Thank you so much for your response.  

I guess one reason I don't feel I can tell my children just yet is because I am still in the middle of a divorce and really don't want my ex finding out until is is all done and dusted.  I guess I am also scared of what they will say, which is stupid as they love my other half to bits.  

Luckily the relationship with my other half is the one thing that isn't causing stress at the moment!  But yes, it is a bit isolating in the sense that I don't know anyone personally who has gone from a hetero to girl/girl relationship, but then to me that doesn't seem that much of a big issue anyway.  You can't help who you fall in love with.


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## Battenberry (Mar 18, 2009)

Hi Summer rain,

I can fully understand why you don't want to tell your girls at the moment if you're going through a divorce, it must be a  really stressful time for you all.  The fact your girls love your other half and get on with her is really positive and bodes very well for the future!
I agree you can't help who you fall in love with, and the world is a much better place for it too! Wish you lots of luck on your TTC journey.
Love B x


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