# Being desperate shldnt mean sharing????



## bexray (Mar 17, 2013)

Hi all, the last 5 years i have refused to go down the egg sharing route as i know i would not be able to handle the emotional side as my heart and brain wld just always be saying that could have or should have been my child to raise.
There are no words to describe the amount of respect i have for women who do egg share i believe they are true inspirational people. 
Dont get me wrong id love nothing more then to be able to help women but i just cant see this being the way for me but yet im finding myself constantly researching egg sharing.
Am i just torturing myself by keep looking into it lately i suppose failed ivf and no more funds doesnt help!!

Am so confused and desperate more so lately being my friends birthing partner is not helping

I just dont know anymore. Xxx 
Sending baby dust to all xx


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

hi bexray  

My first cycle was an egg share cycle. It didnt go too well for me.
10 eggs were collected and out of my 5 eggs only 2 were mature, the recipient had 5 mature eggs!   The eggs aren't distributed equally in terms of quality.

I also think it depends on which clinic u go to I went to CRGW in cardiff and they treated me badly no kindness or compassion I felt I was used for my eggs. I know lots of ladies on here who have egg shared have recieved excellent care and treated fairly at the Lister and many other places.

When I was left waiting for one of two eggs to fertilise all I could think about was how I had been used and how the other lady had 5 of my good eggs.

I'd gone through all the injections and egg collection to not even get an equal chance as the recipient I was doing a kind thing.

I did do it out of kindness towards another lady and honestly because I didnt have the money to pay for my own IVF cycle.

would I do it again? No.


If you're not 100% then I would say no.
You have to ask yourself honestly if your recipient got pregnant and you didn't how would that feel?
How do you feel about the recipeints child being able to contact u when they are older?
To see a person who may look like u and have your genetics?

Think about it for a while longer. its the honest things to think about.

BUT I also understand you are desperate to do a cycle and egg sharing is very appealing.

Helping another lady is a wonderful gift to give.
But you must be sure as once its done u cannot undo it 
xxxx
xxx


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## Harlequin81 (May 16, 2013)

Im considering egg sharing... actually I considered doing it before even knowing I wouldn't be able to have a child of my own naturally (male fertility problems) after watching a TV show about women desperate for children and a lady who donated eggs to try and help people. I would happily give someone my heart after I didn't need it, so why not give something which I have millions of?

But maybe my views are different because I have come to the egg sharing idea before I became desperate for my own child, if that makes any sense? 

To donate part of you, you have to be in the right frame of mind, egg sharing will just give you the treatment, it doesn't mean it will give you a child and if you already have doubts that you would be able to not think of any child born by egg sharing as not being your child, then don't do it to yourself hun.

For me, I've said I don't want to know how the other couples treatment goes, because its something private between them, its their special time, its their baby, not mine, I've just given them one of the tools, they have made it happen.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

HI Bexray

I egg-shared as I was coming up to 36 (the upper age limit) and wanted to use all options open to me.
I didn't want to sit there as a 40 year old and think 'what if', and kicking myself.

You are never any younger than you are today...

What made my decision easier, as well as the time pressure and financial advantage, was that I can be contacted by the resulting child/ren when they are older (if they want to), and I had a really nice time composing my donor letter to them.

The minute I decided to egg share, I always knew there might be kids that are genetically mine, but that hopefully I would be concentrating on raising my own, and that my donated eggs would turn into specially cherished children, raised by a woman/couple in a better financial situation than I am. And I would be curious to find out all about them when they are ready.
My mum was also supportive of my decision, and made sure I included in my letter that if anything happened to me, she'd still really want to meet her genetic grandkid/s if they decided to get in touch.

The way I see it is - if I hadn't egg shared, I wouldn't know if IVF might work for me, I wouldn't have decided to have a cycle and pay for it, and you do get a nice 'altruistic' feeling (as if you donated blood).

However - my IVF had the worst possible outcome. I don't know (but I doubt) if I was stimulated extra hard because I was an egg sharer, but the drugs didn't agree with me and as soon as I was pregnant, I got SEVERE OHSS and ended up in hospital for almost two weeks.
I know I would NEVER have put myself through this process as an altruistic egg donor, EVER! I only did it because I wanted my own baby. Who, sadly, died inside me at around 9-10 weeks pregnant...
My OHSS symptoms carried on. Even when I was back to my normal looks and weight a month after the ERPC (yet more time in hospital, getting pricked and prodded...) I suddenly suffered with ovarian torsion from my still extremely enlarged ovarian cysts which had to be drained whilst I was fully conscious.

So, any IVF can be torture, whether you do it just for yourself or involve egg recipients, but in some small way my burden was eased because I thought: 'I am helping another mummy as well as myself'.

BUT - I couldn't bring myself to find out whether my recipient was successful or not.
Sitting in the clinic, I often looked around, thinking 'is that the woman who will carry my embryo?' when I observed the people around me.
I have no idea if someone is currently pregnant from my eggs.
So it is totally up to you whether you want to know or not! Once I know I have a viable pregnancy, I will definitely be curious about this other woman, but for now it would just be too difficult.
I don't know how people decide to find out if someone was luckier than them with their own eggs, but I know of girls on this board who have. And they were often pleased for their recipients.

I also think that, should I be unlucky enough not to have my own biological children (I am open-minded about how I will become a mum), perhaps someone else carried 'my' baby so I will get to meet them and my treatment and pain wasn't all a total waste!
We don't know what fate has in store for us, but despite my experience I don't regret egg-sharing at all.

Maybe this will help you come to your own decision, don't feel pressured to do it if you aren't sure, and good luck with it all xxxx


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## Ticky (Feb 21, 2012)

I egg shared and it felt right at the time. It's something I always considered doing and thought I would be fine with it, I breezed through the councilling and was happy with my decision. That was until I had to compose a letter to any child born from my eggs, unknowingly it broke me. I wanted to back out but I knew it was my only way to achieve my dream. It would've taken ages to save and my DHs sperm were in single numbers so it was now or maybe never. I went through with it and got 7 eggs for me and 6 for the recipient. The recipients eggs didn't fertilise, I was so annoyed that those potential embies went to waste. It was irrational at the time but I was so upset that I had given myself a mental battering for nothing. 

If you can avoid doing it then I would. That's just my opinion. It's not easy for everyone x


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## Puglover1980 (Mar 7, 2013)

People have shared some interesting views and I wanted to share my story too. Apologies in advance for the long-winded post.

My experience of egg sharing was overwhelmingly positive. Like many of the women here, it was looking increasingly unlikely that I was going to be able to have a child (and give my daughter a sibling) without going down the IVF route. I had hoped it wouldn't come to it, but after a devastating loss towards the end of last year, and subsequent failed clomid attempts, I decided I wanted to do something proactive and embark on IVF. There was no way I would be able to afford it. I'd got just enough saved in my ISA, but it seemed ludicrous to me to spend all my savings to create a life (potentially) and then not be able to afford to raise that child and give both my children the things I wanted to. For me those savings are for school fees/holidays/whatever. And what if it didn't work? I would have spent my life savings and wouldn't have my so-longed-for child.

I know it's not about the money, but you have to think about these things too.

I'd already looked into egg sharing when I was having trouble conceiving the first time. I'd attended an open day at LWC back then so felt I knew a little bit about what was involved. This time round I was immediately drawn to the idea of being able to help someone who was in the exact same position as me in fertility terms and knew the heartache of facing life without a child. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone and the idea of being able to help someone else seemed amazing to me.

I've never really got the whole 'but it would be my child' thing. I didn't always feel this way, but this time I felt very strongly that it really wouldn't be. I would be giving ONE cell! That's not a baby and doesn't make me the mother. Yes biologically it would have 50% of my DNA, but a banana tree shares 55% of the same DNA as me too! I'm not trying to belittle the decision or anyone who couldn't do egg sharing because they feel they would be the mother. I'm not mocking anyone and hope I haven't offended anyone; I'm just trying to explain my point of view.

My main motivation - aside from my need for IVF and inability to pay for it myself - was the idea that I could help someone else. I realise not everyone feels this way, and *Bexray* you obviously feel quite strongly - at least for now - that egg sharing isn't something you would be able to do. And that's totally OK. I didn't know for sure that I was going to be able to go through with it until I'd had all the initial tests and my counselling session. And maybe that's the point. You clearly keep coming back to researching egg sharing. Why don't you at least contact a few clinics and maybe have the initial tests? You might find that you're not eligible to join a programme anyway, and at least then you'd know. They don't even begin to match you until you've had all your tests and counselling, so if you pulled out then it wouldn't be like you were letting anyone down. And at least you would have explored it fully.

I found the counselling at my clinic quite useful. It helped me to consider all the ethical implications and discuss them with someone who had no direct involvement in my life and was totally unbiased.

So anyway, the rest of my story... I was so happy when I found out I'd been accepted onto the programme, and was lucky that I got matched very quickly and was able to start almost immediately. It's weird - at the start of the process I joked with my husband that the best outcome would be that I would get pregnant and my recipient would have no good embryos to use. I truly thought this would be how I felt throughout, but as soon as I started my cycle I found myself wondering how my recipient was getting on and hoping she was well. On EC day she was the first person I thought of when I came round from my GA - thinking how pleased she'd be to know that she'd got 8 eggs. When I got my fertilisation report the next day I wondered how her phone call had gone. It was weird, but I found myself rooting for her as much as myself.

I should point out that this goodwill may have had something to do with the fact that I had 17 mature eggs collected, so got to keep 9, all of which fertilised. I may have felt differently if I'd produced fewer eggs or had a poor cycle myself. But I'll never know for sure.

I haven't found out anything about how her side of things has gone because my husband and I decided at the start that if we were lucky enough to get pregnant we would wait until after our 12-week scan to find out. But in my heart I like to think she is pregnant and I really hope she is. If so she'd be carrying her and her partner's child, just like I'm carrying mine and my husband's child.

I agree with *stacey* - if you're not 100% then you shouldn't do it. But I think anyone who is considering egg sharing, even reluctantly, owes it to themselves to research a few clinics and maybe have a consultation or two to explore the reality a bit further. A great deal can depend on the clinic. stacey's first experience was horrible - she then had IVF at the same clinic at which I egg shared and had a wonderful experience. (As an aside, if you are in London or the south east I really can't recommend Lister highly enough!)

I kind of agree with *Ticky* that if you can avoid it then you should, but only in the sense that if you can avoid IVF then you should. I think if IVF is your only option then it's definitely worth considering egg sharing, especially if the financial demands mean you wouldn't be able to do it otherwise. But for me the desire for a child outweighed any other concerns I may have had, and I am keenly aware that egg sharing isn't for everyone.

Take some more time to think about it (although not too long if you are approaching 35) and maybe see if you can see one of the clinic's counsellors up front. It might help with the confusion you're experiencing and would hopefully help you to stop torturing yourself.

All the best. x


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## JoJo7 (Aug 24, 2013)

Hi all, Hope you don't mind me joining in. Pug lover  - your experience has totally helped make sense of things in my own head. Thank you  xxx


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## Puglover1980 (Mar 7, 2013)

Ah *Fletcher*, that's great to hear. Feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to.


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## Journey99 (Jul 23, 2011)

If you have doubts you definitely need to really think things thru. 

It was a hard realization to me that I might never have a child, biological or otherwise. IF really was the most stressful thing I've been through. Once I came to terms with it and started researching IVF (We didn't want to wait for NHS funded rounds) I was full steam ahead. I came across egg sharing and just knew I needed to do it. It felt like it was my purpose for dealing with IF. We had money saved so that wasn't the issue.  Although the idea of not having to spend our savings was appealing. 

I asked DH his thoughts, and had he said no that would have been the end of it.  But he said it was my body and my choice. We agreed we couldn't donate an embryo with both our DNA. For some reason that was like giving a baby up for adoption in our head. But giving away my egg was like giving blood.  I wouldn't carry this baby or give birth or raise it. 

But the the hardest part was convincing myself if my cycle failed would I be resentful if my recipients didn't. I really thought long and hard about that. Then I thought, what if I needed donor eggs and no one was willing to help me. It broke my heart and I knew I had to do it. And at one point I thought I might as my AMH was so low, the dr said any lower and I would not have been accepted to share. 

Ill be honest, I was very unsure whether I wanted to know my recipients outcome. Had my cycle been negative I honestly don't know if I would have had the stomach to ask. Even so it wasn't until I was out of the first trimester before I decided to find out.  Part of me wanted to just believe it worked. I didn't want the guilt that my eggs were bunk and this poor woman just paid for my Ivf and I sold her faulty goods. Part of me wasn't sure how I would feel if it did work. But when I got the reply that yes she got her BFP I was elated. Really truly happy I could help. 

I now have the most precious gifts (I had twins) in the world thanks to a stranger and she has one too thanks to me. It's weird as I think of her often but not of her baby. I wonder how she's coping. When I'm up late with the babies I wonder if she is too. If I had to do it again I would in a heartbeat. But had it failed, I'm not so sure I could have endured that again. 

Like Stacey I feel I was "ripped" off with the dividing of the eggs. I struggled thru my cycle being told I may not get enough to share and being asked what I would do. I told them I would donate all as that was my purpose for donating. I couldn't back out. But surprisingly to everyone I got 17 eggs...9 for me and 8 for her. In recovery I asked how many were mature. I was told 14 so though it would be 7 each. The next day when the embryologist called she told me of my 9 only 5 were mature. And of those 5 only 3 fertilized. Had I got a BFN I would have done some serious digging. I understand this woman has paid a lot but I would think it would be fair to split the mature eggs. I've heard this a few times now. 

At the end of the day we can all share our experiences but if you aren't sure that you could handle a BFN and you're recipient a BFP then it's probably not for you. Whilst the money part may be an issue this is something you will live with for your life. 

Wishing you the strength to know in your heart what is right for you x


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## Rose10 (Aug 14, 2011)

hiya, 


I did egg sharing with lwc in London they were amazing there they always made me feel it was about me.
althougt iv always been comfitable with egg sharing I think what helped me was the way I thought about it and this is it, 

Your overies are like an apple with seeds in and althought your apple is the carrier for those seeds thous seeds can be planted any where and there not the product of anyone ones garden until the are planted it that garden but whos garden its planted in is up to the apple and although those apples will have the genetic strands of the main apple which garden grows the apple tree is the one who will mother it. 

 xxxx


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