# Need to rant!



## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Hiya,
  
  We are in the early stages of adoption and although we are happy and excited about it we still have times where we feel really down about our situation    My hubby is a great support but he just tends to get on with things where as I suppose I dwell on it more.    
  
  A friend of ours has recently had a baby and I think it's just brought it all back again and while I wouldn't change anything now I just feel a bit sad    Throughout our fertility journey I've had lots of support from some and not so much from others.  Now that we are hoping to adopt everyone seems to think I should be 'over it' and just move on, even those closest to us - but of course they have children so how on earth could they ever truly understand.  I wish they could walk a mile in our shoes, we have to live with this forever.  I have a couple of friends who went through IVF so knew how much of a rollercoaster journey it is but they were the lucky ones and had babies so are busy with them these days and I don't hear from them much - one does like to text me frequent pics of her little one though, but never asks 'how's things going?' just a pic    I feel like such a failure at times    

Sorry just felt like I needed to rant and get it out - I know you girls will understand


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## Natacha33 (Jan 22, 2011)

Hi Charlie,
You are right, people not in our situation just don't understand....I remember talking about it all with my best friend and she was trying her best to be supportive but all I was thinking was " you just don't get it, you are not in my shoes, you will never get it". I read in a magazine yesterday that "learning of your infertility is compared to learning you have cancer - in an instant, you have been robbed of your future". At first I thought that was harsh but it is life changing and it is a life sentence. You don t get over it, you learn to live with it, it is a rollercoaster of emotions... I suppose your friends don't know how to behave around you because they have been lucky to conceive? It doesn t make them bad persons, just unsure on how to behave.
I have had some very dark days too - usually made worse by hormone taking! - you just remember you are NOT a failure    and you are allowed to grieve  
If you are not meant to be a mum naturally, then it is because you are meant to be a mum to a little human being out there - someone out there is waiting for you to be their mum, remember that.
I wish you all the luck with the adoption process, keep positive hon


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## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

Hiya Charlie  

I sometimes think it would be great to have the experience of being a man and their ability to get on with things.  Although I wonder if they do get on with it or just choose to suppress their feelings and go all practical!  It's hard not to dwell when you are living day in day out in a woman's body - looking at your breasts - reminder that they will never feed a baby - looking at your stomach - reminder that it will never swell as a baby grows inside it - looking at stretch marks on my thighs from when I put weight on - regret that they will not multiply from the weight of child bearing - breathe in and breathe out ............ reminder of the pain and emptiness in our heart ...... the letting go of hopes, wishes, dreams, ambitions that we had for the little one we always thought we would have.  Then monthly the period coming .... reminders of eggs lost ... reinforcing feelings of failure.  Then the strength (I would imagine you have found) to move forward and begin the process of adoption.  Much as this is an amazingly positive step I know that for me as each step moved forward in adoption it would be yet another reminder and more confirmation that I cant have my own baby.  That confirmation will resurrect the pain and emptiness.

I'm hoping to eventually find the strength that you are harnessing to move forward to adoption - not there yet!!

Please be gentle with yourself honey, from what I'm learning the grieving process comes in waves, some are gentle and others crash and hurt.  I hope there is someone you can chat to and get to hold you gently.  You are right though, only someone who has experienced the loss can understand.  

Natacha, the comparison to diagnosis of cancer is spot on.  I was with my mum when she was told she had breast cancer and the sharp pain, shock and sense of fear and  injustice was the same feeling I had when realised we cannot afford treatment and no NHS funding therefore .... no baby ....

I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual and usually try to understand the reason for things happening in my life and others.  The only positive reason I can come up with why any woman would be denied having her own baby is that there is a child who has had horrendous experiences within their own family and are longing for someone to adopt them  who understands what it feels like to be hurt deeply emotionally.  Infertiity teaches us just that and therefore gives us the depth of love and empathy that a vulnerable little one needs.

One side of me agrees with this ... the part that is hurting just screams WHY ME!

Any little one coming into your life will be blessed to have  you, your DH.  I wish you heaps of love and support and we are all here to talk to

love Nic xx


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Thank you Natacha and starbaby for you lovely replies    It really helps having support and understanding.  

What you both said about a woman not being able to have her own baby as there's children out there who needs someone to be their mum struck a chord as even though I'm not religious in the least I have thought of it at times.  I will hang on to this   

Natacha - I remember the dark days from the drugs and after having so many treatments I'm glad that it's behind us now so that's a positive!  I don't shout at DH half as much these days    I've also heard the comparison to cancer to and sometimes feel like showing people the article but never do   Thanks again   and I wish you lots of luck for your upcoming treatment    


starbaby - my hubby's been home today so I've been able to get some lovely hugs off him  I think he does actually surpress his feelings rather than 'just get on with it', just a typical man!  Your words are so true, I often pat my stomach when it's a bit bloated thinking of how it could have been.  My sister knows someone who adopted many years ago and for a long time had a cry when she heard pregnancy or baby news - it's something I will have to get used to and I've heard it is easier once the children come along.  Thanks again for your kind words   I'm so sorry you are unable to have treatment and wish you lots of strength towards the adoption path    

Love Charlie xxx


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