# I talked to my cousin



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi girls.

As you were all so wonderful about my problems with my cousin putting pressure on me to interact with his babies, I just wanted to give you an update. It only fair to share the ups as well as the downs!  

I have been trying to formulate a letter to my cousin for weeks, but nothing sounded right...either too serious, or not serious enough etc etc.

Any how, last week he phoned me for a chat for the first time in ages, and was in a very relaxed mood. The subject of us seeing his boys came up in a very natural way, and I found myself taking the bull by the horns and explaining why it is so hard for us to see them let alone interact with them. 

I also told him how its really hard to see how they look like him, to see his face in theirs, I told him that I see how much he adores them and I know that I will never have that with a biological child. And that I am scared that we may never feel that way even if we adopt. I told him how he is really important to us and we miss him but we are trying our best. I also explained that what seems like small things to him are really big milestone for us...such as taking my needles back to the clinic. 

Also, and most significantly, I told him we do want to be part of his boys life, and that we feel the best thing is for us to come and see them just for short times until we feel better able to cope with longer sessions. 

He actually seemed to be listening properly for the first time ever, and seemed to be really trying to understand. We have left it that DH and I will ring soon and arrange to go over for a quick coffee one weekend. We plan to just stay for an hour, and cousin knows this.

This is such a huge relief and a massive weight off my mind. I now feel stronger and prepared to cope with the inevitable emotions that seeing his littlest one will bring. The best thing of all is that (in theory) my cousin now knows what to expect and when we go over I hopefully won't feel like we are disappointing him by not staying longer.

Soooooo this is such a relief! I just wanted to let you girls know because I was so touched by your support over this.

Ermey xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Well Done Ermey, I'm sure that conversation took a lot of courage, and it must feel really good to have got him to understand, a little better, what it can be like for us 'pressing our nose hard against the shop glass'.

Phew!

Big love, 

MM xx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Great news ermey,take it all at YOUR pace and then you will feel in control!!! xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Ermey
All i can say is you articulated this conversation with your cousin so well. You seemed so in control and relaxed and that you were able to raise your concerns and fears, is credit for you. I am also so glad that your cousin took the time to listen and that you felt safe to beable to share your inner feelings. I am so glad that you had a plan and that you were able to put this into action. Most of all you have taken the pressure off yourself and maybe the meet ups will now flow without any time limit. Or too much hurt!
I am so pleased for you both and you took a huge jump and turned a new milestone. Sometimes we just need to take a step back, look at our inner feelings and then move forwards.
I think you did a great job...and i certainly will be taking a leaf out of your book if this happens in the future for me..
Thanks for sharing this, its so good to know that a problem actually can be shared and halved...and eventually addressed in such a positive way..
Thanks Astridxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Ermey,

This is absolutely fantastic news!   Well done for having the courage to initiate that difficult conversation! It sounds like you explained things so clearly and got through to your cousin.   This is an inspiration   to everyone like me who struggles with keeping the communication going and so maintaining good family relationships. It is a pity that people who have so many hurts already so often have to explain how things are, but it seems that is just the way it is, so few people understand intuitively and have to be told. I am so delighted that you did this and it has been such a relief. I have a big smile on my face!  

Lots of love and  

Jq


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Ermey

Ditto what the lovely girls have said.

I know this can't have been an easy one for you but I'm sure you must be feeling so much more strong and in control for a change!!  Well done you!

I'm so glad your cousin seems to have listened to you aswell.  It sounds like the honest communication has been worth it and I'm sure (and hope) that you will find your efforts to confront your fears about seeing the children will pay off in the months/years to come as you begin to develop a relationship with them .... and one day ... perhaps look forward to the visits.

This is fantastic news!

Well done again,
Love gill xo


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ermey!

I just wanted to say to you a massively

   WELL DONE !!!   

Loads of love & gurt big squishy hugs too!
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Ermey,

'It is a pity that people who have so many hurts already so often have to explain how things are, but it seems that is just the way it is, so few people understand intuitively and have to be told'. JQ quote.

What a profound statement....thanks JQ, this really has helped me put a jigzaw puzzle together. Its about explaining, as not everyone understands in life about different painful situations. As traumatic as it maybe, it may be the only way of dealing with things and that is by communicating. But by doing it, we find out who cares and who doesn't? Who understands and who doesn't? and we find out who we can trust and who we cannot? And by doing this, it helps us to become stronger and learn how to take control for ourselves...
WOW i feel empowered!!

love astridx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thanks everyone for your lovely replies and for sharing my sense of acheivment, and relief!

Jq you are so right, as Astrid says you are spot on as usual. 
When I began talking to my cousin I thought I was saying all the things he already knew, but in fact I began to realise that he just hadn't thought of these things I was saying. 
I did feel like I was having to explain the obvious, you know...really spelling it out....but it made me realise that all the things I thought were obvious...like why its painful to be with his babies...he just hadn't had the imagination to realize. When I said about seeing his love for his little ones being painful to see, he let out a little exclamation of surprise and concern...like DER!!!! I don't understand why he couldn't see this without me having to be brave enough to spell it out but never mind!

It does show how communication problems occur... another kind aunty of mine said exactly the same - that the people that are really able to imagine are often the ones who have experience of some deeply traumatic experience themselves. And if we are naturally imaginative sympathetic people it can be baffling and frustrating when people are completely insensitive (or down right callous!) as we cannot understand what has motivated them. Likewise they are probaly baffled as to why we get so upset!

I am a very imaginative person anyway and very good usually at empathising with others, and therefore couldn't see how he could not even try to imagine what was painful for us. Where as he has a very big heart and is very good at practical help but has zero imagination! 

Astrid you are so right communication is a difficult thing, I agree so much that it can be a scary thing because you can find out who is really prepared to try and be there for you. 

I lost another friend of mine through telling her how it is...she was very dismissive and casual about us not being able to have children and seemed to have no idea that it was a deeply painful and profound thing to happen. I got fed up of her completely unconcerned comments in her emails and told her ...as tactfully as I could...that it has been a deeply upsetting time. Haven't heard from her since! Its a shame but as you say we learn from these things who we cn trust, who really cares, and how deep the friendship really runs.

Thanks for all your lovely replies


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Ermey,didnt get a chance to write much yesterday as was having a crisis myself as you saw!!!

I am so glad you spoke to your cousin and feel he understands a little better.I was so glad when i told my sister last year about all our tx and i know she will be more understanding in the future.

As for your friend- if she was dismissive then she is not really the kind of friend you want is she? I hope you dont miss her too much. I had a big circle of friends before all this but only a couple TRUE ones now that are there for me.

Good luck when you go to visit xxxx


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## sal24601 (Jan 3, 2005)

ermey,

Hope you dont feel I am crashing your thread, but just wanted to well done to you for talking to your cousin.  Hope this helps alot and is now easier for you to become involved again at your own pace.

Well done to you,

Sal


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