# husband not on board....



## MissScarlett (Apr 20, 2007)

I posted here the other day for some general advice and some of you lovely ladies were so helpful but I have new problem now.

I spoke things over at the weekend with H, explaining why i wasn't keen to go through with the IVF and could we think about starting the adoption process instead but he wants to at least try IVF first.

I'm trying really hard to see it from his point of view but it's so much easier for him, he hasn't spent the last 18 months in & out of hospital, being prodded & poked, being in pain almost all the time and that's all without the actual IVF itself. He said he feels that if there's even a small chance of having a child that was biologically his then he wanted to try it. I don't feel i can push the point, i feel guilty enough that the problem is with me. I'm just worried now that if the IVF fails (which it is likely too) then he still won't feel the same way about adoption as i do.

Do men, in general , take longer to come round to the idea do you think ? I know my H is usually quite bad at visualising things and i can't think what to say to him to help him work this through in his mind.

I'm really disappointed but i love H and want him to be happy with the decsions we make, and in any case i can't see us getting very far while he feels the way he does. He even came out with a classic statement "but we'd never be accepted anyway as we both work" 

Any advice for how to discuss this with him some more ? I wish i could just tell him to find a forum and chat to some like minded men but i think he'd assume i was totally mad !!


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

HI

I appreciate you don't want to upset your DH but have you talked to him about how you feel?

How you feel your body has been messed about with, sorry can't think of any other way of wording that! 

That your not sure if you can go through anymore? 

Do you know any couples who have had IVF & been successful or unsuccessful that you could talk to as a couple?  We talked to lots of people who had done IVF and the majority it hadn't worked for, some were very lucky but there were more unsuccessful couples we knew.

Is there any couples you know who you could talk to about adoption?  After speaking to people about IVF we found quite few people who went on to adopt........very successfully!! 

The only other suggestion is to ring a SS and ask for an information pack that you both could sit down and read together?

Suggest to your DH that he visits this site?  There is a DH who posts on here and is awaiting to start the process, I'm sure he would "talk"?

I hope this has helped in a small way but you must talk to your DH about how you feel.

Sending you a hug  

Love
Andrea
xx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hiya

I'm not sure how to advise on this really, but I was in a similar position but in our case it was me who wanted to carry on and dh who was insisting we tried adoption.

For us, I guess it was easier for dh to stop trying, because he'd had long enough to come to terms with nil chance of conceiving his own biological child, so to him adopting was the same as "producing" a non-biological child via donor sperm/eggs.
To me, the decision was harder because I'd only ever had the one dream, to be pregnant. And although my logical brain was saying enough's enough, it took a little longer for my heart to agree.
It actually helped me to come to terms with the facts, when we had an extra meeting with our consultant. He explained the facts, of how it was highly unlikely we would ever conceive and to put my body through the trauma again just wouldn't be of any benefit to anyone. He advised us to take another route. He was brutally honest, and at the time broke my heart in two. But I needed that talk so badly. It really made things real.
I don't know if it's possible to speak with someone about your realistic chances and bring your dh down to earth.
The other thing that really brought things home to me was a question I'd read on a forum like this one
"Ask yourself this question, Can you imagine us two living the rest of our lives without children?" 
a definate and firm NO came from me, and that's what wielded my determination to find our family by another method.

If your dh's comfortable with the "oh well, let's try again" syndrome, of wanting to get straight back to the IVF, I can totally understand where he's coming from. It's scary to think of not going to the clinic and seeing those same faces, and relying on the timescales of that dream. I became dependant on clinging to the familiar, safe things. And when I finally stepped out of my comfort bubble, it was scary, but it was such a bloomin' relief.

Almost all of the couples we know who are adopters, are post-IVF-ers too.
None of whom had any success with treatment but have made theirs dreams complete with adoption.

I was one of the first people to be naive and claim that adopting a child would be nowhere near good enough for me. I simply couldn't have been more wrong. Our daughter is ours 100%, she looks like us, has same personality and funny traits (poor thing!), she gelled into us as a couple so quickly and we cant imagine life before. She is our world and I'd challenge anyone who dare to claim she isn't ours. We very rarely remember she's adopted. It feels like she's always been here and I only think of her adoption when someone mentions it.

It can be a life transforming experience (and yes both me and dh work!!).

I think it might be just take a little time and patience for your dh to come round, you need to explain your feelings to him.

Thinking of you x


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## sundog (Jun 21, 2007)

Nothing really to add, but just wanted to say what a lovely post, Ever. Made me cry, and absolutely says it all. 

I wish you all the best MissScarlett. It is something that everyone has to come round to in their own time, and when they do it is a life changing moment. Nothing to stop you bringing that moment on a bit sooner though using some of Andrea's suggestions!  

xxxxxxx


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## MissScarlett (Apr 20, 2007)

I can't tell what a relief it is to be able to come here and post about something really personal and upsetting and have such nice replies with some really good advice. Sometimes i feel so isolated and just knowing i can come here and get some support just makes everything seem just a little more manageable.

I spoke to H last night and persuaded him to talk to someone and also suggested we go to an adoption evening. I've also told him about this place and that maybe he'd feel easier talking things through in a more anonymous setting. I looked out for the chap who posts on here and realised that his wife has similar problems to me so i think he may check it out - i hope so. I want him to get to this decision himself as i get so upset and i don't want him to go along with things just because he doesn't want me to be upset. 

I know that i could love a child that i hadn't given birth to but he's worried that he won't feel the same way, but I've know fathers who felt like that even when their partners are pregnant, but i think that's because men tend to be much more physical people and H especially never knows how he's going to feel till it's happening. Does that make sense ?

I'll get some more infomation for him and hopefully going through it together will help. 

Poor H is only just recovering from finding out that IVF isn't as successful as he'd always thought. I actually had to ask him a few weeks ago because of a few comments he'd made and found out he thought it had a 75% success rate.

We don't have any friends who are struggling with fertility problems. In fact the 2 couples we are closest too are both pregnant at the moment and the third couple decided a long time ago that they didn't want to have children. I think this is part of the problem for me at the moment as i don't want to unload all this on my 2 pregnant friends as i know how upset they'll become because they love me and i want them to enjoy their pregnancies as much as possible and my 3rd friend just doesn't really get it as she's never wanted a family . 


Thank you all again so  much - i will be back


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## MrsPoogs (Nov 7, 2006)

Hi MissScarlet

I had the same problem with my DH last year/early this year too.  I see you haven't had IVF yet, and I, too found all the tests beforehand very difficult and the length of time it all took and then the waiting lists even harder.  I started to feel very down about it all and quite negative and the whole thing was taking its toll on me! I seriously started to consider adoption last year as an option for us and began to research it and felt very positive about it.  My DH was exactly the same as yours!  He couldn't even consider adoption until we had had tx.  I found this really hard as I thought he would have felt the same as me, but he really wanted to focus on having a child naturally first.  I was really upset about it and didn't know how to deal with the situation.  

I decided to leave it for a while and try to focus on the tx coming up.  But I also tried to explain to my DH that I wanted a family with all my heart, and had never felt like this before with any partner.  I also tried to explain that whilst I was feeling v positive about adoption and wanted to apply should my tx fail, my DH found this hard.  I also explained that I would never force him or push into adoption it must be a joint decision and if he did have the slightest doubts then I would respect them and we wouldn't go down that route.  

However, over time he seemed to change his mind and during the tx I think my committment to trying for a child through IVF or naturally seemed to make him realise that I wanted a family so badly and that adoption seemed to be maybe our only chance now, especially with my tx not working and failing after EC.  

I have tried to talk to him regularly about adoption and our options and asking him to listen to my feelings and then go away and think about things and come back and tell me his feelings.  Over time he changed the way he felt and told me he would be very happy to go down the adoption route.  We have decided to have one more cycle but my DH has now said if I didn't want to try again and put myself through the tx and wanted to start with adoption now he would understand and be happy to do that.  My FSH levels are rising and my eggs not looking good, and we were even told that we should consider donor eggs - so its all been very difficult recently.  However, we have decided to have one more cycle and then move on to adoption early next year.  I explained to my DH as well, that I really felt that the last few years of tests, waiting, more tests, appointments, scans, bloods and everything else and more waiting had been so so so hard and I couldn't do much more of it.  I tried to tell him that I know that I would feel so much better when I could turn the corner from this part of my life, if the tx failed, and move onto adoption that that would hold a much better chance of us succeeding in making a family and giving a child/ren that need a loving family and home in which to grow up would be to me everything.

I suppose throughout my long post (apologies) I am trying to say can you not approach the subject again and try to tell your DH you need to explain how you're feeling and that he may find it hard to understand now but perhaps he could just listen and then think about what you say, and then you could discuss things again once he has had time to digest your feelings and thoughts.  Also, do you know anyone who has adopted, we have friends who have adopted and it hasn't been straight forward but I also know of other people who have adopted and it has been a great success.  I think that trying to talk more with my DH and other people's situations helped my DH to see there was another way and that way would give us a great chance of having a family.  (sorry for my long post I hope it has helped to explain that your DH just needs time and to understand how you are feeling about tx and adoption).

Ever - your story was wonderful and I hope that I am as lucky as you and your family.  It does really make me feel that one day somehow my dreams will come true.

Lots of love Poogie xxxxx


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## MissScarlett (Apr 20, 2007)

Poogie, that all sounds so familiar and thank you for sharing, it's all so hard isn't it.

I am going to do lots more talking through with H but at the moment i can't do that calmly. We only found out last week that although we were hoping to be starting IVF in the next couple of months the list had grown quite a bit and now we're looking at May-08 at the earliest. I want to be able to talk to him without becoming too distraught as i know he'll say/do anything to stop me hurting and i don't want to "guilt" him into any decisions, this has to a route we go down together. 

I keep thinking that if the roles were reversed then i would probably want to at least have a go with IVF. We had already agreed right at the start that i would only every have 2 goes anyway, but of course that was back when he thought it came with 75% success rate.

I know he wants a family and for me to be happy and if he really wants to give the IVF a shot then i want to do that for him. Perhaps the trauma of going through that will persuade him more than I can with words.

We don't know anyone who has adopted who he can speak to either.

I think the other thing that's worrying him is all the intrusion adopting would bring. He is a very private person, complete opposite of me   and thinking about discussing these type of issues with SW etc fills him dread.

I'm going to be as gentle as i can and just keep asking him how he's feeling and hope that he'll come round as your H did. I don't want to push too hard too soon.

This is a great place isn't it - just "talking" about it can make you feel like a whole weight lifted off.


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## MrsPoogs (Nov 7, 2006)

Hi MissS

Yes I am so pleased to have found FF.  I think my DH has realised too that this place has given me strength and hope were I thought there was none at one time, and to be able to talk to people who are experiencing IF and going through tx.

My DH didn't share his feelings or thoughts with anyone and didn't want to initially as, he too, is a very private person, however, he did start to open up towards the end of our treatment and felt that he could tell most of our friends   we have chosen a few to tell and our families, but I think he just became a little more open about our situation and everyone is guessing.  That upset me more as I wanted to keep it more private, it is weird how you both experience different/the same feelings at different times, if that makes sense!  If your DH thinks you have a 75% chance at success with tx then he was probably pinning all his hopes on it and really thinks that it will work for you so he probably doesn't see the need to consider any other options at the moment.  Perhaps he also can't think that far ahead.  My DH was one step at a time.  With regard to your tx, are you able to have a private cycle before your NHS cycle so you don't have to wait until May 08, I can totally understand how hard that is, I had to wait a year for my NHS cycle and time is not on my side re: my age and FSH levels rising regularly!!!  

You are right to try and talk again when you feel better and calmer too as you will be able to address the issues with him more positively.  When you feel able to talk to him perhaps you should let him know that you would like to talk things through again and that perhaps he could let you know when he feels ready...... I found the softly softly approach and in his time helped alot and he is able to talk more openly now.

Good luck with everything and keep in touch would love to hear how you get on, feel free to PM anytime.

LOL Poogie xxx


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi, 
I think it is quite normal for our boys to take longer to 'get around' to the idea of adopting, DH and I did not go down the IVF route but to be honest it was me who really made that decision as I really didn't want to do IVF and it would have been my body taking the effects, also emotionaly I didn't think that I could handle the emotional disappointment if it didn't work. I found a book for DH called 'Approaching Fatherhood-an adoptive fathers guide' or something like that by BAAF and he found this really helpful, I also managed to slow down a bit myself and as he was reading the book allowed him to be the 'knowledgeable' one which I think helped him feel a bit more in control. Our journey has a happy ending as we were placed with a little boy (4 years-'Charlie') and a little girl (17 months- 'Lola') 3 weeks ago and after the inital weeks bombshell of life will never be the same again(!) he is really loving being a Dad, he regularly says that his little girl is more beautiful than a birth child of ours would have been (I have to agree!  ) and he's amazed at Charlies creative and practical skills, which he loves as it's exactly how he is wired! Basically we wouldn't swap our little munchkins for anything and couldn't imagine any biological children would have been as perfect! 
Hope your continued conversations go well.
Love Viva
XXX


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hey, my partner is the quiet type and never shows his emotions so when we decided to go down the adoption route at first found it hard to tolerate his quietness especially when asking him stuff about adoption. To your question i just think its generally down to each individual , we as a couple wanted to do IVF to begin with but as it failed we know adoption is so the right path for us.
Maybe chat to DH more and weigh out what you both want , wish you both well x


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