# Clarity and Confusion - what to do?



## aimless1 (Aug 14, 2010)

I hope some of you can bear with me for what follows – bit of a long rambling saga.  I just need to write down some things and maybe get some feedback from a unbiased perspective.

I am completely confused at the moment (about whether to go it alone or wait I suppose but then wait for what?) whereas I felt so clear just a few months ago and I am not sure what has changed or perhaps this is just part of life…….

A couple of years ago I got pregnant by accident.  I was surprised and scared but ultimately happy.  It was complicated by the fact that the father was someone who I was (am) in love with but he’s always been very clear that he’s ambivalent about having children – so I knew then that it wasn’t going to be a case of happy families.
At the 12 week scan a problem was picked up and to cut a hideous and long and soul destroying story short I had a termination at 21 weeks.  It basically nearly finished me off and I spend the next year in therapy trying to “move on”.  Eventually realising that there is no getting over something like that – it just gets more bearable (most of the time) and I have kind of assimilated the sadness into my person (if that makes any sense – I mean its always there but I have just accepted its part of me and occasionally it all comes back and knocks me for six).

Very soon afterwards – and when I realised that the non-boyfriend was never going to commit (despite some fairly undignified begging), I started thinking about donor conception but promised everyone not to do anything hasty.  So I left it a good chunk of time – over a year.  Now I still feel as though I really want a child.  I know I could do it and I know I can afford it.  I know its not going to take away what has happened and I know that being pregnant is going to be a very frightening and stressful thing.  But I also know I want a child/children more than anything.

The thing is that people keep telling me I am “selling myself” short and giving up on life by giving up on meeting a man etc etc.  However I have no interest in meeting a man – some of this is undoubtedly because I am nowhere near over Mr Non-Commitment.  Unfortunately getting over him is proving harder to do than I would have thought – he’s still my best friend, I work with him, and yes well I love him. He was an amazing support when everything went wrong with the pregnancy.  I did ask him to be a known donor – he said no because he doesn’t think its morally right.  My friends and family breathed a huge sigh of relief because they all want him out of my life.  To be honest it would have been a bad plan as I know I would have been hoping it would end up with us all together and I know that I would have ended up getting (even more) hurt.

So I know really I am just like many others who are in love with a non committal man and whose time (fertility) wise is running out.

I feel like everyone is on at me to get out there and meet another man but I just can’t see this happening.  I feel I am better off parking that and having a child and then worrying about love later.  I also see no point in waiting to be over  the non-boyfriend or what happened because that’s just not going to happen).

I don’t know.  I don’t want to do the whole going it alone thing out of anger (with non-boyfriend, life in general etc etc) or out of “giving up” on life.  But how do I know what my motives are if everyone keeps questioning them and if I keep changing from negative to positive depending on the day of the month……

I think a lot of my current upset and confusion is because the anniversary of what would have been my baby’s due date is coming up.  Also my sister is pregnant again (she was pregnant at the same time as me last time) and I feel really down about her having 2 babies and me having none.  It seems so unfair. But of course life is unfair.

Sorry for this but I am feeling pretty wretched, lost and stuck. I am not sure what to do for the best.  I don’t even know what I am asking really……

Aimless x
(feels a very fitting nickname today)


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Aimless I couldn't read and not post to send you a really big big     .

You've really been through it before now and this journey is so tough and I think that it is totally normal to have doubts and confusion and fear. It's just trying to work out what is real and what isn't and what is fear that's blocking us from moving forward. 

I for one do not believe that I have put having a child before meeting a man and would like to believe that one day I will meet a man. I think that men smell desperation in us and run a mile because they think that we'll tie them down by getting pregnant quickly and there are heaps of single mum's out there and many of them date and meet people. 

It's hard not to be influenced by friends/family especially when our own thinking varies depending on the weather/time of the month/time of day etc etc. Are you still seeing the counsellor?? It might be really good for you to talk to someone unbiased so that you can try and work out exactly what you want and think without letting others confuse you further. 

I think that anniversaries are really tough and that right now you need to be really kind to yourself and maybe not make any major decisions until the due date anniversary is over. 

Not sure any of that helps at all but I'm thinking of you and sending you more      . We are always here to listen   

 
bingbong x


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Aimless        I read what you wrote and it could have been me about 6 years ago!  I too got pregnant with the man who I will always love but who I knew did not love me.  I lost the baby much earlier in the pregnancy than you & did not have his support at all.  I have not actually seen him since I told him in front of all his friends that he was a pathetic excuse for a human being!  Can't imagine why he didn't want to see me again after that!  Anyway, I spent a long time grieving for both him and the baby & still the date of that child's birth is always in my mind.  It is in fact embedded in a couple of pin codes I use for example. 
I did try the dating thing for a while after that and met some lovely men but none of them were right.  And it eventually dawned on me that what Bingbong said was right - I was desperate as time was running out for me & whilst they were nice men they didn't want to be drawn into the family thing within a few months of a new relationship.  And in fact nor did I!  And more than that - for me I still missed Mr Pathetic excuse & found that none of the other men measured up.  So I gave up the dating thing & started to work out what I wanted.  And of course came to the conclusion that actually I wanted a baby and that men would have to wait.  I always say that I can meet a man when I am 80 but by then it would be too late to have a child.
So, here I am with my little boy tucked up in bed & feeling very sick as I am 9 weeks pregnant with another one (also donor conceived of course!).  But Bingbong is so right - you can't make those kind of lifelong decisions at a time when there is an anniversay on the horizon and when everyone else is giving you the message you would be "giving up on life". You so would not be doing that as life with a little person is magical and totally new and ecxciting every day.  
In my humble opinion I think you need to be kind to yourself for a while, whilst doing the things that prepare you for treatment IF that is waht you decide to do.  So living a healthy lifestyle, monitoring your cycles so you really know what your body does, meeting up with other women on this path (some of which actually decide this is not for them and meeting them could help you make that decision!) etc.  In the meantime, keep reading & talking to those who can help you - BB's idea of going back to a counsellor you trust is an excellent one.
In the meantime, hugs and lots of love whilst you work your way through the confusion - whatever you decide will be right for you & even if you decide this is not for you now you are not shutting the door if in a couple of years you decide you want to rejoin the journey.
All best wishes
J x


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Some excellent advice there from Grace and Bingbong, I've not really got a lot to add that will help...I'd been single for nearly 7 years and had pretty much given up on men (mainly through lack of effort on my half) so it wasn't too difficult a decision to make to go this alone. As others have said, you have your whole life to find Mr Right (or even Mr Good Enough) but unfortunately we're not so lucky when it comes to having children. I knew that even if I never end up meeting a man to settle down with I knew I'd be fine by myself, but I also knew that if I never gave myself the chance to be a parent that would be something I'd end up regretting. 

Anyway, I just wanted to send you lots of hugs and good thoughts and hope that you're able to work out what is right/best for you soon. And don't let others opinions/comments sway you one way or another - only you are responsible for deciding what you want to make out of your life. And only you will live with regret if you're persuading against doing something you know you really want.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Aimless - sending firstly many     both for the tough tough time you have had up to now and for the anniversary coming up

I think Grace is probably right that making a decision right now is probably not the best timing, but that said what I hear when I read your post is how much you want a child, and how sure you are that you can cope with it (financially and emotionally) - what seems to be holding you back is more the opinions of others....so maybe take some time to focus clearly on what you want and politely ask others to refrain from giving their views and 'advice' (or just don't talk to them about it for a while so they have no opportunity to comment)

I do not think that by having a child with a donor now, you are 'giving up', and I actually don't hear much anger in what you write (although perhaps you just hide it well   )
There is no reason why you couldn't meet someone later, once you have your much wanted baby - I certainly hope that I will. But like the others who have replied here, I realised that there was no point dating when all I wanted was a family, and you can't bring that up on your 1st date! 

Of course none of us can make your decision for you, and since we are all pregnant with donor conceived babies ourselves (at least those of us who have posted so far) then we are naturally somewhat biased in favour of you going ahead - but then perhaps this is a nice contrast to your family and friends who seem against it
At the end of the day only you can make the final decision, by listening to your heart and going with what you feel is right - but don't put pressure on yourself to rush into a decision at a time when you have a difficult anniversary approaching. 
And if you can talk it through with a counsellor, I would def recommend that - I find mine invaluable when I need an objective point of view and a chance to explore my feelings with someone who has no vested interest in the outcome

Very best of luck, and thinking of you at a difficult time
Suitcase
x


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## Bambiboo (Oct 23, 2009)

Hi Aimless

Years ago I was in love with someone who was not in love with me.  It was only when I made the painful decision to not have him in my life that I was able to move on (easier said than done if he is your boss!).  It seems to me hun that whilst he is still such a massive part of your life your hurt will continue and you will not meet anyone else as you will compare him to Mr X.

Can you take a holiday some time and space away from family and Mr X where you can really think about what you really want?

Take your time hun.

Sending you lots of     

Bambiboo x x


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## sweet1 (Oct 5, 2008)

I'm so sorry Aimless, that you are going through such a difficult emotional time at the moment. I think for most of us it has been hard to give up the ideal of having a child with a man you love, creating the child together, and living happily ever after. I think the fact that you still work with this man and must still see him a lot probably means that it will be hard to let go while he is around as well. 
If you really think noone else stands a chance while he is still in the picture, maybe it's time to acknowledge that rather than dating when you know you couldn't really move forward with it emotionally now anyway.
I'm so sorry as well to hear of the loss you suffered. I haven't been in that situation so can't imagine how it must have affected you. The others are right and perhaps the anniversary is not the best time to decide things, just to acknowledge this time is having an effect on how you are feeling right at this moment.
For me, although I still 'grieve' the ideal and yes still hope Mr Right will suddenly appear tomorrow just before I go for TX I am not going to let anything hold me back now. Again for me personally, I know I don't want to regret not trying at least and since the 'best' option is maybe no longer an option, the way I see it, I now have 2 options left, go it alone or not at all - so the 2nd best option is now the best. (If that makes sense). Sorry to put it in such 'practical' terms but I found I could just dwell on it forever otherwise - and still do often - maybe just take a little time out to breathe and do something unrelated entirely, then see how you feel in a week or so. All the best honey x


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## aimless1 (Aug 14, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies.  It has really helped just to write it all down and then it has helped even more to read your replies.  I think it is a difficult time and it causes me to seemingly regress back into all the grief and negatives.  The good thing is that I know what’s happening now and recognise that its painful but that I will feel a little better tomorrow.  I stopped seeing my counsellor but I think the collective advice is right and I’ll go back.
I have got very worn down with other people – my parents look after my niece 2 days every week and every week dad says to me how much hard work it is and how hard it would be on your own etc etc.  Its just all got to me this week.
I am just sad things haven’t worked out how I wished and envious of my sister and then guilty for feeling envious etc etc etc..  And I want to move forwards and not be wallowing forever and I am not sure how I will with non-boyfriend still in my life because it makes everything so complicated.
Thanks again for the support.  It helps to have people that understand and who see donor insemination as a positive choice.  You all sound amazingly strong and it is a real inspiration.  Off to bed now - sleep will help.
A x


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## Bethany915 (Aug 1, 2010)

Hi Aimless

Didn't want to read and run.  Lots of   , you really have been through the mill.  I think the other ladies have made some excellent points, so I'm not sure I can add too much.  But firstly I would like to say, yes, your dad is right that having a child on your own is very hard work - with a 2-year-old LO, I find that I don't at the moment have much time for doing anything other than work, activities with LO, sleep and some basic household chores (and the occasional social gathering with friends if I'm very lucky   ) - but this all gets easier as your child grows up and can do more for him/herself - and the love and pride and feeling of "wow - this little person came from a tiny egg inside me" is just amazing.  And once your child starts to show his/her own personality, it's truly an incredible feeling.  Yes, it's hard work but it is so worth it!!!    

Anniversaries can be extremely difficult - is there somewhere special you can go to mark your baby's brief existence (maybe beach, mountains, walk in the woods, church if you're religious?) or maybe something creative you can do on the day - write a poem, do a drawing, light a candle, etc?  Keep in mind that you are so much stronger for having survived this and that if you do go down the fertility treatment route, you know you will have the strength to deal with any setbacks you may encounter.  And if you go on to have a donor conceived child, you can think that this painful route led you to that child and that if you had not endured all this painful stuff beforehand, that child may well not exist. 

As Suity says, we ladies on here are likely to be biased as we are all embarking on the "going it alone" route.  And I know it's hard not to get influenced by the opinions of others - but they are not you and you need to work out for yourself what you really want.  It is very draining having a Mr Non-Committal in your life - I know jobs are not easy to come by these days, but is it worth considering changing jobs to get him out of your life and allow yourself to move on?  (If you're not able to do that, maybe have a heart-to-heart with him and explain that you need a break from him, try to minimise seeing him at work and don't see him out of work?  Easier said than done when you are in love, I know.)  And if you are like me you will find that even once you make a determined effort to move on, painful feelings are likely to come back to bite you for a while afterwards.  A few years ago I was in a relationship with a Mr NC (at least I thought I was in a relationship with him, although it turned out he did not think he was in a relationship with me   ) and things ended very painfully and acrimoniously.  I knew all along that I wanted a baby and it was in the picking up of the emotional pieces after that relationship that I decided to go it alone - and even when I was pregnant with LO a year later, I remember enduring many crying sessions, thinking "What am I doing, pregnant with this baby by a KD (even a very well intentioned one) whereas Mr NC wasn't even prepared to consider having a proper relationship with me, let alone a baby?"  But you get past that and, believe me, once your baby is born, your life changes forever and you will quickly forget any Mr NCs that were previously so important to you.

It may be that you are not quite ready for this route yet - but certainly keep an open mind to it for the future - and on the other hand you may decide after some thinking that now IS the time for you to go down this road.  Going back to your counsellor sounds an excellent idea - also, you might want to imagine your life in 10 years time and think where you want to be and how you would get there.

On a practical note, if your heart tells you that you do want to take this route at some point, I would suggest that you don't spend too long thinking   .  I see that you are 37 and you obviously were very fertile 2 years ago, so you probably wouldn't have much difficulty conceiving with DIUI if you decided to try within the next couple of years.  But just don't leave it until you are 42 - you want to catch those eggs whilst they are still good   .

Good luck, whatever you decide.  And be kind to yourself on the anniversary.

B xx


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

I was going to say something to try to help you aimless because all I wanted to do while reading your post was to burst into tears and cry....probably not a good thing at work...but honestly I don't know what to say really. Never been in a relationship before much less dated and to be honest I'm not really sure if would ever let a guy close to me. I think I do understand though in some sense because I think women are taught at an early age that Mr. Right is out there and he is suppose to be your soul mate and things are suppose to last forever. I think the only thing that lasts forever nowadays are children even when the leave the nest. Hopefully when you are ready you will go forward with having kids you will go forward. If you do go forward alone it doesn't mean you have to stop believing in fairy tales...finding the right guy, for evers, etc. I still believe in fairy tales even though I think for me it is a personal weakness.


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hello Aimless,

Aw, I really feel for you!      It's such a lot to take in with all that additional emotional upset.  I don't think I can say anything more eloquent that our other friends on here have already said.  There are so many of us in similar positions on here.  My heart goes out to you.  I think I'd throw up if I saw my ex in the street, from a distance and even if he didn't see me.

Your inner voice is going to come through.  I'm also in counselling following a last straw heart ripping break-up.  I'm suffering from well meaning friends who feel they need to butt in and 'save' me.  It's so frustrating!  But I tell myself they aren't in my shoes.  I've basically shut down my brain this week, a bit like that scene from the Wedding Crashers (can't believe I'm quoting that film!!!)  The bit where what's her chops from Home & Away puts her fingers in her ears singing and stamping her feet in a circle.  

Meditation can really help this kind of thing.  Going to a special place, a nice walk, a big drive or a train jouney (not central London   and making time to listen to yourself.  I haven't got it all worked out, that's for sure.  

Sending lots of   's
Take good care,
Diesy xx


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## aimless1 (Aug 14, 2010)

I have read and reread all your replies all week and I have to say they have helped so much - even printed them out to keep reading in bad moments. 
I am feeling a little better this weekend.  I went to a float place this week (basically you spend and hour in a little pod in very salty water floating in the dark).  Someone suggested it might help - I was really sceptical as the thought of being shut in a small dark space with my head for company seemed like a recipe for disaster but...........  it was really odd.............. while I was in there I couldn't make any negative thoughts stick in my mind.  To the point where I was deliberately trying to upset myself and I still couldn't feel bad.  It was the strangest thing.  Will try another one next week and see if it works again or if it was a one off effect and next time I flip out!
So I feel a lot stronger - and all the more so for not feeling so alone.  Now to get some inner resolve to avoid the non-boyfriend because much as I love him I am not going to move on while I still spend time with him and cling on to tiny (non-existant) scraps of hope.
I saw a friend last night who said she had a similar situation in her 30s and 40s and she wasted years and never had children and didn't get over him until he was dead.  As she pointed out its not a way to live.
I think its just that everything that happened with the pregnancy before was so horrible that I have been desperate to have some sort of "happy" ending (live happily ever after with non-boyfriend and have children)  - so what I need to do is let go of that idea and  believe that there are other possible happy endings that actually are far more achievable and better for me.

Thank you all again and hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.

Aimless xx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Aimless,

What a wonderful idea the flotation tank was - better than a train journey - brrr  I hope the next one is as good 

I just wanted to add that you've been really brave dealing with everything.  These are really tough things you have been through and are going through.  Remember you have worked so hard in the last couple of years to cope and you've done so well!  And it's not very far in the past.  

Take it easy (took me years to work out what that meant!)
Sending you lots of      
Diesy xx

PS  My friends and family have similar views to yours, so feel free to PM me


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Aimless

What a situation!  

I must admit that I never had any negative feedback about my thought of conception via sperm donor, my pregnancy or my now baby boy.  My Father was sceptical initially but once treatment began and some pet talks with me (quite harsh at time) he came around and he dotes on his Grandson.

As your Dad says it is hard work, but as I tell people my life would be harder without my boy.

The non boyfriend sounds like my brother was with his ex and she just had to cut him out of her life so she could move on.  I can imagine he is enjoying the best of all worlds at the mo, your friendship, possibly something else?  ?? and he is able to use this non commitment line with you always wishing/hoping it will change at some point.  It is easy for me or any of us to type this but even harder to put into practice I know.  You really do need to consider number 1, in case you have forgotten over the years, that is you honey   .  Glad the flotation thing worked, hope it carries on working.

Any advice, help, etc we are always here.

It is a very hard time but you will get through it, it may seem a long way off but you will.

I kind of knew meeting a man would hinder my having a baby once I made my decision so I just remained blinkered.  You can find a partner at any stage of your life, you cant have a baby at any stage.  So many older people say to me, 'I wish this had been around in my day'.

Good luck and take good care of yourself.

Chowy and Pup. xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

aimless - I am sorry for your loss   it is hard, and I think that you will find many single girls on FF who have hung around/ wasted their fertile years waiting for Mr Right to come along or to commit (me included!)/

I would say not to wait any longer if you want a baby, I started out on my TTC journey when I was younger than you and am now 42 and still have no baby.  You fertility takes a nose dive at 35, 38, 40 (I am proof of this as well!).

It doesn't mean that you will never meet a man, you can meet a man when you have your baby and if he is worth his salt he will welcome you and baby as a package.

Have you been to counselling and explored your feeling, it can be very helpful, and your GP mind be able to arrange it through the practice, if not the BICA have fertility counsellors.  

Good Luck
x


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