# ADOPTION Buddies starting 2017



## wanabmum

HEY everybody I'm hoping to start my Journey early 2017 just wondered if anybody was at the same stage for support.!


DAISY151 Your in box is full


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## Perkins2

Hi wannabmum, what stage are you at? I met with our social worker on Friday for the first time, she was really nice & said she's happy to put us forward for adoption, she's going to write her report & then we'll be allocated a social worker to go into stage one after Christmas. I'm hoping it's the same social worker as she really put us both at ease. 
Sounds like from your profile that you've been on a hard journey, it will be good to go on a successful journey with you x


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## wanabmum

Hi Perkins , I had my visit yesterday and at the start was a little deflated, social worker raised her concerns that I have been through a lot in the last few years and had never heard of anyone having so much treatment , my H won't say DH as there is nothing dear about him lol and I have been separated 3 years and I have put this part of my life to bed and am looking for brighter things to come , so felt as if she was negative at that point about my abilitys.
I also raised my concern that as a single adopter would I be pushed to the back of the queue as they prefer couples ? She said there would be no point sugar coating it a stable family unit is what they are looking for and in the pecking order I would find it tougher to be matched ! At this point I was thinking is there any point going further after another hours Chat I did feel more positive and she did say that I seem determined so just waiting for the next step x


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## Daisy151

Just as well I looked here lol oops. God I'm a nightmare for deleting old msgs I'll do it now xx


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## Perkins2

Hi wannabmum, sounds like you could have done with our social worker. She turned a lot of things we were worried about into positives. For instance my OH is estranged from his family & I was concerned how that would go down but she said it showed that he understood what it was like to come from a difficult background. She said they didn't want perfect couples that hadn't experienced any hardship as they'd lack understanding towards the child's background. Also the social worker wouldn't know how the couple would face any difficulties ahead if they'd not faced them in the past, they'd be no evidence of resilience. Sounds like you've got bags of evidence of resilience! I wouldn't worry about being a single adopter, loads of people do it successfully. The main thing is that they want to know that you are committed to adopting & that you aren't still yearning to have a biological child xx


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## Perkins2

Sorry I do my best thinking in the shower & thought I'd come back on quickly to share them! Wanabmum are there any adoption groups in your area? Maybe there would be some single parents in them that you could talk to. Since starting this I can't believe how many people at work have adopted children. Adopters seem to be the nicest people, they've all given up lots of there time to meet with me to chat. And as long as you can show them a strong support network, that's half the battle done. We've got no family to rely on as mine all live really far away & not only is my OH estranged from his family, he has only a few friends none of which live close by, so our support network is my friends & work colleagues x


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## wanabmum

Morning , sounds like your social worker is lovely we could swap ? Lol
One of the things she did ask when she was leaving was did I know people who have adopted ... as weird as it sounds I do and origanlly met them on here while doing ivf , 1 has a little 1 and the other is waiting to be matched  so she said that's great so you can chat to them ,she also said she is going to see another single adopter next week so would be going through at the same time , that would be a relief to me as i'd like somebody just to be able to text and say did I understand that correctly ? 😂😂
I'm like you I have a brother who is 60 miles away and my mum who is 10 mins away and the rest of my support network are friends .
Oh exciting times ahead xxx


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## ClaireDa

Im a lot further on but wondered if I can join this group we are on stage 2 xxx


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## wanabmum

Of course  , the more the MERRIER XX


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## jend0906

Wanabmum I'm further along as I've been approved and awaiting a match but I read and just felt the need to respond.

I am a single adopter after 10 cycles of IVF and 6 MC's, severe depression and a marriage breakdown. My social worker was only ever positive about the fact I'd faced a very rough few years and it was clear that I could provide a child with as much love as any couple. My panel were also great and I had a unanimous yes!

I was told right at the start by numerous people that they want people that have been through things and shown resilience and come through the other side. So basically what I'm saying is, don't let your SW put you off. If you don't feel comfortable, request someone else. 

Feel free to get in touch if you need to chat about being a single adopter x


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## ClaireDa

Thanks for having me tag along


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## wanabmum

Thanks Jendo ..... that makes me feel much better , I did wonder if she was just trying to see how intrested I was but would have been nice for her maybe to say that at the end rather than me wondering what she has actually thinking.
I'll pm you to pick your brains   xx


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## Perkins2

Lovely to have you on here as well claireda, I'm sure I'll be picking your brains with you being further along than me, I hope I can offer support in return. 
Well wanabmum if Jendo can't offer you reassurance I don't know who can!
Our sw phoned today to say we are booked onto 3 days of prep classes in January. I'd be interested to hear from anybody about what they involve. Really excited that things are moving forward at last x


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## wanabmum

ohh im so jealous lol !!!!!! have you been to the info evening? its confusing the different way each council start there process's . Elaine x


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## poppy05

Good luck 2017 ladies


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## Perkins2

The info evening I went to was terrible, it hardly gave us any info & just seemed designed to put people off! Even tho our LA is rated at 'requires improvement' we've still gone with them as they cover a large area. The best info we've had has come from other adopters. How did the sw leave it with you wanabmum? 
Thanks poppy! Xx


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## wanabmum

She said they would send be to the info evening next so I'm assuming I've had my first home visit , I seem to have confused myself would be good idea to have a step by step path way info sheet so you know where you are and what's next xx


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## Perkins2

I know what you mean about a step by step guide! How it started for us was I initially looked up adoption info events, we didn't need to book on just turn up. At the event they gave us info on the type of children they had in the system and a bit about foetal alcohol syndrome & that was about it on the info! It terrified my OH as they only spoke about large sibling groups with disabilities that were from different ethnic backgrounds to our own. As I said to my OH they wanted to concentrate the event on harder to place children to open people's eyes up to the various possibilities. If they'd talked about easier to place children A lot of potential adopters wouldn't have given the others a second thought. We then sat down with a social worker who took our details & suggested my OH did a bit more research (I hadn't realised before this point that my OH had in mind us adopting a child from a 15 yr old Irish Catholic girl!) .That was back in July, we then phoned the LA in August to ask for our first visit. Unfortunately due to our initial sw going off sick & various other things it took 4 months before our first appointment x


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## wanabmum

Maybe l'll get a call this week to go to info evening and maybe dates for prep course , thinking I'm streching that bit but here's hoping xx


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## Perkins2

I've just been having a read through adoption buddies 2016. The posts are so informative & it's amazing seeing everyone's journeys. All the different agencies do things so differently. Maybe it's a good thing we don't know exactly what's ahead of us wanabmum as it might seem really daunting! I hope you get your prep classes in January it will be good to do them at the same time xx


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## CLD6

Hello please can I join this thread? We are at the beginning of stage 1 and completing  forms. We are due to do our stage 1 prep course at the end of January. Feel nervous but excited to start this journey


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## Perkins2

Hi CLD6, lovely to have you on here. You'll be doing your prep course at the same time as us! X


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## wanabmum

Still heard nothing 😕


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## jend0906

Wanabmum I have got your pm but I've been so busy sorry. I didn't want to just send a quick reply so I'll sit down at some point over the next couple of days and reply properly.

Perkins - my  3 prep days were basically about going into the types of backgrounds that children's potentially come from. We looked at a case study of a child that had had several foster placements. We had talks from a foster cares, an adoptive mother and a 16 year old who'd been adopted, all great insights into the process. The session I enjoyed the most and felt I got the most out of was a guy who did training on attachment, it was really good and gave some strategies for dealing with attachment issues.


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## CLD6

Thank you Perkins! I am really looking forward to the prep course are you? Especially it is similar to what  Jen had just described


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## Perkins2

The prep classes do sound really interesting and definitely needed as when you're asked the initial info about what sort of children you'd accept you feel like you are answering with little understanding of what you are being asked. 

Wow Jend I see from your profile that you were approved four months after your prep. What's the situation for you now? I'm guessing this is the hard bit, waiting to be matched. 

Wanabmum, the manager of our sw team phoned me back in November when we were having problems getting the first visit sorted due to our initial sw having an op & then going off sick. He said he'd ensure we got on the prep classes asap. I think if it wasn't for that we'd be waiting until after Christmas to hear anything. I hope you hear soon x


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## wanabmum

Happy Christmas ! Next year will be amazing for some of us 👶🏼👶🏼👶🏼 😀😀😀 x


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## Perkins2

Happy Christmas! Let's hope next year is our year! Wishing everyone on the adoption journey a stress free a time as possible over the next 12 months xx


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## Perkins2

Have you heard anything yet Wanabmum?
We got a call from a new social worker today. She wants to see us next week to go through the forms for the first stage. She's also emailed us the registration of interest form to fill in & send back to her. It wasn't what we were expecting at all, the previous social worker said we'd be going to the prep classes first. 

She's also sent us all the paperwork for the first stage that she'll go through with us next week. There is tonnes of it. I'd like to say I'm excited but I'm just dead nervous & worried about failing at the first hurdle. 

The registration of interest form asks us for three references that know us really well & can comment on our parenting abilities. None of my OH friends know me well, they are from his army days & all live far away & I doubt they could pass judgement on his parenting skills let alone mine. I have lots of friends but only one knows My OH well enough to give a reference & comment on his parenting skills, my sister can give good feedback for both of us, but I've no idea on the third person as none of the rest of my friends know my OH well enough. I always tend to meet up with my girlfriends by myself or have them round for tea when my OH is away on business. When we do stuff together it's mainly just the two of us. I'm really worried about this.


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## wanabmum

Hey ......Nope heard nothing not a sausage   I did phone another L/A today and asked if I could register with them as i have lost confidence in mine and she explained that prep courses and info evening are held jointly with 2 other councils and no dates have been agreed yet so this is why there has been no contact so hold on another month before I decided . Your L/A is on the ball alright x


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## itsonlybridge

Hey guys, can I join your thread? We have just chosen the adoption agency we want to go with and will be submitting our application on Monday and then make an appointment for a sw to visit us for our initial chat.

As you can see from my signature, we have been trying for a family for 13 years both naturally and with IVF and we have 5 mc behind us. We have done a lot of soul searching to reach this stage but we now feel that adoption is the right path for us. 

Lovely to meet you all and so nice to be in the company of people in a similar situation.

Here's to our 2017 journey to parenthood! Xxx


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## Perkins2

Hi Bridget, welcome to the adoption forum. Have you chosen a LA or VA? We've chosen a LA & I'm not as yet convinced it's the right decision but struggled to get much info on our local VAs xx


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## itsonlybridge

Hi Perkins, thank you, it's good to hear from you. 

After researching our LA's we have chosen to go with a VA. I have started an adoption diary which goes into explanation, in the end this feels right for us at the moment. I found our VA by going onto the first for adoption website and searching agencies. Hoe that helps   xx


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## wanabmum

Ok silly question what's a VA ? X


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## wanabmum

Ok silly question what's a VA ? X


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## itsonlybridge

Hi wannabe mum, VA stands for Voluntary Agency. They are charity run adoption agencies who work along side the local authorities and from what I understand they have a wide pool of children all around the country as opposed to LA who mainly have children within their local area. VA generally also generally have a better ofsted report too but mainly due to the fact that they solely deal with adoption whereas the LA are dealing with all areas of child welfare xxx


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## wanabmum

Thanks for the reply , I'll have a little look and see what's in my area ! Thanks for that xxx


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## Kikiw

Hello Everyone 

Can I join the thread please - we are on Stage two and yesterday had second visit with our Social Worker.

Would be great to chat to others, we met a few couples on our stage one prep course which was great.

Kiki  xx


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## itsonlybridge

Hi Kiki welcome to the thread, you are well into the process on stage 2 so shouldn't be too much longer for you til panel. How have you found the process so far? 

I am still on the worrying stage that no LA or VA will accept us because we want to adopt 0-2, but we have sent our application to 2 agencies and awaiting a call (up to 10 days) for an initial appointment with sw. Hoping that the fact we will consider siblings will go in our favour.

Do you mind me asking what your preferences are and if they have changed during the process?

Bridget xx


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## Kikiw

Hi Bridget

Panel is pencilled in at end of April   I found stage one frustrating as we are with LA but not our own as our own they point blank advised that unless we wanted sibling group or disability they would not consider us.  The LA where I used to live we went with but stage one took us 8 months !!!!! due to the fact we had to have a prep course and there weren't enough adopters to make it viable then questions over DH health report due to past brain tumour.  We waited a month from first phone call to SW visit then another two months until we started stage one. I don't think this is typical but we have got used to waiting! We have only said pre school age not been more specific than that, I have worries about FAS and effects so 2-3 years ideally which I have though about since beginning in all honesty though it may change so many questions are brought up during your stage two it makes you question everything you thought you had resolved or at least it did with us. 

I did find something out in  Tuesdays meeting  which took me by surprise and that is the government have implemented that LAs should merge to widen the field of adopters and children can be placed outside of area so my LA is merging with three others LAs in July - not sure if good or bad for us adopters or waiting children. 

I hope that helps and remember just coming back after Xmas there is always a delay i'm sure you will hear soon. Also and id forgotten this till DH said,  we initially went to four LA's within 63 miles of our home and went with the first that responded the others did in the end but not for two months after, I hope that makes you feel a bit more confident.


Kiki xx


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## itsonlybridge

Ah thank you Kiki, that's really helpful and does make me feel a lot better about a lot of things. I'm sure we all go through the same or similar worries, we are only human after all.

Wow you sure have had a lot of waiting around to get to where you are but good to hear things are moving along for you now.

I'm sorry to hear that DH had a brain tumour, I can't imagine what you went through with that. Is he ok now?

I'm going with the ones who respond quickest too, to be fair the first 3 I approached called me the next day, then there are 2 that haven't bothered at all yet. 2 that called me are VA and one was LA but LA not prepared to even send an application form until 12 months from last failed IVF which will take us to July, whereas both VA are happy that we are ready after a lengthy discussion.

I think it's swings and roundabouts whoever you decide to go with, I guess I like the idea that VA's are dedicated to their adopters and work hard to promote their adopters to all LA's around the UK. At the end of the day it's the child's sw that chooses the parents so it probably makes no odds... You're either a match or you're not and there's a match for all adopters and children, we just need the sw's to help us all find each other  

I can totally imagine that your mind set changes on things throughout the process.. Mine already has within the space of a week! 

Well I'm going to settle down and get myself ready for a wait... At least this wait is nothing like the IVF waits!  

Xxx


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## Pinkyd

Hello ladies
I'd love to join you all too please. We are in the middle of stage 1 with a LA, not our local one but one in the next county. We are busy doing our workbooks, and elearnings. We did have our first course booked next week but this has just been cancelled and now all three of the course dates are booked for end of Feb and beginning of March. We also have our first aid course booked for March. 
It seems that every agency has their own way of doing things.  
I have a work colleague that has just had her placement of siblings and she has been a great source of information and is being very open about her experiences. The whole journey has been challenging so big hugs to us all as we have a tough road ahead but we've come this far so yay us


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## itsonlybridge

Morning ladies and welcome Pink, great to hear from you.
It sounds like you have stage 1 all wrapped up  
We are still waiting for a call from agency to make an appointment for initial visit... I have a gut feeling that this part is going to be a long process for us! 
I spoke with my friend last night who adopted a little girl 2 years ago, she is full of helpful advice and keeps reminding me that sw needs adopters more than other way around, which helps calm my nerves a bit! I can't help but feel like we are about to take an exam where other people will tell us if we are fit to be parents... Well that's exactly what we are doing more or less so no wonder it's nerve wracking! Xxx


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## Foxy898

Hi all hope you don't mind if I join! Me and Dh are currently in stage 2 and are due to go to panel on 23 rd Feb. Everything seems to be going well so far but I've starting feeling a bit stressed so thought it would be good to chat to other people going through same issues! I think my main problem is that I have no idea what our social worker is thinking, she's lovely but really doesn't give anything away! I'm presuming as it's reasonably close to panel that she's happy with everything but I can't help but worry!!


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## Pinkyd

Hi everyone
Foxy wishing you much luck for panel. It is only natural to feel anxious as you've been through so much to get there. From what I've read and heard they don't aporoach panel unless they are happy with everything and 99% sure so I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. 
Bridget I hope you get a call soon. I had to chase and chase our SW them have a lot on I know but they seem all over the place sometimes. 
It is one big test isn't it and if only everyone that wanted to b a parent had to go through it. Still we have certainly learnt lots so far which can only be a good thing. 
Xx


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## Foxy898

Thanks pinkyd, I think we've only got one more home study visit booked in to do health and safety check and a pet questionnaire so I'm really hoping that's it! As nice as our social worker is I won't miss the weekly visits lol 
Hope everyone's journey runs smoothly and quickly! We've been lucky as we only applied at the end of Aug which I think is another reason I'm waiting for something to go wrong lol xx


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## Perkins2

Hi everyone, I've just been catching up on how it's going for everyone. It's good to hear the stresses as well as the positives. Makes you feel less abnormal when the stresses hit you. We are in the middle of a dilemma as to whether to give up on our dream house (sales staff gave us wrong info on build time) or try & pull out of the bag a bit more patience & wait an extra six months before starting. Another option is starting stage one in April then having a break before stage two. Maximum break we can have is six months due to government targets. It's so hard when you just want to get going!


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## Pinkyd

Hey everyone
Can't believe im watching the voice trying to read yet another book on adoption and catching up on here I'm so rock n roll on a sat night. 
Perkins have u managed to make a decision yet?
Is anyone else scared that they will struggle to know how to successfully parent challenging children regardless of the amount of books u read and elearnings you do?? I am.  
Do u worry other patents and even family members will judge u?


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## Foxy898

Our agency did a info day for family and friends which was really useful in helping them understand the needs our children can have. It does worry me parenting a challenging child but I know we will have the support when we need it! Hope everyone is getting on ok xx


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## Perkins2

Hi pinky, we made a decision to cancel the prep classes & do them in April instead. Thankfully the sw was okay with that. Hopefully by March we will know a bit more about what's happening with moving. We've signed up with some estate agents to see what else is about. That gives us up to 11 months to move, but hopefully we'll be sorted well before then. 

I've not got stuck into the books yet. The sw has sent me a reading list, I'm a bit apprehensive about what to read to be honest. I want to be prepared but I also don't want to read too much about the worst case scenarios x


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## itsonlybridge

Morning ladies, hope you are all ok.  DH and I were outside at 6am this morning with my hairdryer on an extension lead trying to defrost DH's door handle which had frozen stuck on the inside mechanism and wouldn't close!  Goodness knows what the neighbours must have thought had they peered out of the window into the foggy dark morning to see us both crouched over the door handle, me in my dressing gown and hoody, socks pulled up to my knees with my slip on shoes  ha!   

Foxy have you had your last home study session now? I bet you can't wait to get to panel .. only a few weeks to go now  

Pinky How are you getting on with your study books? Is there an awful lot to go through? You're not wrong about it being one big test and we haven't even started yet! If everyone had to go through what we have to become a parent, there would be a lot more loving and appreciative families that's for sure. 

Perkin glad you have managed to find a way around your dilemma that works for you. I know what you mean about not wanting to read too many worst case scenarios.. I already have read a few and it leaves me feeling a bit anxious.

Well after chasing and chasing the VA agency, we gave up hope of them coming back to us and I made more applications to several LA's and VA's. Spoke to an absolutely vile woman at one agency who more or less scoffed at me throughout the entire conversation and gave a sharp in take of breath when I dared to mention we would like to consider preschool age range! The same day I found out that my IVF cycle buddy from when I was pregnant with twins last year has given birth to her boys which was heart wrenching as I would have also been due at the same time. We knew it was a date we needed to deal with but the phone call with the agency made it a much worse day than it needed to be. DH and I had a quiet evening chatting and cuddling. 

The next day I woke feeling positive for the future and our new chosen path. I felt determined not to be defeated and phoned another agency (LA). Spoke to a wonderful lady who couldn't have been more helpful and positive. She has registered our details and we are going to an open evening with them tonight where they will book a first social worker visit if we are still keen afterwards! Ironically, the agency are linked to the very first LA that I contacted weeks ago who wouldn't take us on until July due to timescale from IVF. I mentioned this and was assured that after speaking to me, they are more than happy to take us forward now  

Typically, I have since received numerous emails and phone calls from the other agencies I had been chasing and we have ended up booking a sw visit with a VA for next week to so we will see both the LA and VA sw and make our decision on who to go with from there. I think it's important to go with a sw we feel comfortable with if we are to spend a lot of time with them in the coming months especially as DH already has a bit of a sw phobia!

So meanwhile we have been set lot's of information which we have read through and already we have been tearful just reading the 'example' children's profiles they sent us, they certainly make for emotional reading. I have also read a couple of books by couples who have been through adoption which has been very eye opening and interesting.

Looking forward to tonight's meeting and will be good to be around people in a similar position hoping to begin their adoption journey's.

Meanwhile DH is in the process of setting up his new business which is exciting and keeping us busy and occupied! xx


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## Foxy898

So glad you're moving forward itsonlybridget! We go to panel 4 weeks tomorrow!!! We have finished our home study now and should get our par to read next week! Good news is ou sw said she is happy to recommend us for 1 or 2 children under 4! Still got a few visits booked in with her just to go through our portfolio and introduction book but I can see the end in sight!! I won't be happy until we get approved as it's like someone thinks I'm good enough to be a mummy!!


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## itsonlybridge

How exciting and nerve wrecking Foxy!! I will be the same, won't be convinced it's going to happen until we get to panel. As intense as the process is, it must be an amazing feeling when you get a yes from panel.. A set of people who know everything about you have agreed without question that you will make great parents.. After the vulnerability of laying yourself bare for 6 months, It must be a good little confidence boost to set you up ready for the next stage.

Well the open evening went really well, when we eventually arrived with 5 mins to spare! We had given ourselves plenty of time but didn't realise that the council had so many separate buildings! We finally found it after walking the streets for 20 minutes and flew in looking a little bit frazzled  

The ladies were really lovely and positive, they said the amount of adopters they had have now dropped so they are desperate to recruit people. Great news for us! They gave an honest, real talk on the whole process but kept the mood light. I think our research helped as there were no surprises or anything we didn't already know. It was really informative and answered the questions we had. 

So today I am to call to confirm that we would like to book an saw home visit. Feeling very positive xx


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## MrsD87

Hello everyone! 
I am new to this forum but would love to get involved if thats ok! We technically started our adoption journey last year, but we haven't yet gone to approval panel so most of the exciting stuff will be happening this year.

My husband and I decided on adoption after 4 years of trying unsuccessfully. After some testing, we found out that we are both infertile and so after a lot of thinking and talking, we decided not to go for IVF but to go for adoption. We attended an information evening in June last year, which was great. We have an adopted nephew and so were fairly familiar with the process but I believe things have changed because the process now seems shorter. 

The process so far has been challenging. I knew that it would be invasive but I don't think that I was prepared for the very difficult conversations about past experiences. Our social worker is great and thankfully easy to talk to but at times it has felt like therapy! Initially, we were allocated a different social worker but she went off sick within a few weeks and taking our case so we switched. The switch was definitely a positive thing because I feel a lot more at ease with this one. We did hit rather a big bump a couple of weeks back because of my work situation. I am self employed photographer, which means that whilst I will the one taking the adoption leave, I will need to work a couple of saturdays a month in order to cover my expenses and provide for our child. My husband is a teacher and so he would take care of the child care when I was at work. The social worker wasnt particularly happy about this and we had rather a stressful evenings wait until she spoke to her manager about this. Thankfully, we seem to have moved past that now.  

We are currently booked in for approval panel on the 29th March and i'm absolutely crapping myself!! 

x


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## Foxy898

Welcome mrsD I'm glad things are moving along for you now! It gets so stressful at times, our social worker has been great but I know what u mean about the work situation, I got made redundant a few years ago and we decided that while we were doing ivf and adoption that I wouldn't go back to work as I want to be at home for at least a year when we become parents! We've managed financially and have managed to save money but every so often I feel as though I'm being judged for it!! Anyway we're 4 weeks away from panel so the end is in sight!!


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## MrsD87

Thank you Foxy898! Well done for managing to save! I think it you can afford it then you should definitely do it - I would love to! Having that time with your child is invaluable. I hope that your panel goes well. Im really hoping that they go easy on us. Not knowing what to expect makes me nervous!


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## Foxy898

I'm the same, I like to know what's happening so I can be prepared! I've been ok but I'm just starting to feel a little stressed the nearer it gets to panel! Everyone says panel isn't as bad as you think it's going to be so I'm not worried too much about the actual panel just that they might say no lol and obviously not knowing how long it will take to be matched after!


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## itsonlybridge

Welcome Mrs D, you aren't far away from panel now! 

From what they told us last night, sw's don't even consider you for panel until they are 99% sure you will get a yes and they said the chance of a no at panel stage is very rare so keep that in mind and stay positive   xx


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## Foxy898

Just had a phone call from our sw asking if we want to go to panel a week earlier than planned!! 2 weeks on Thursday xx


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## itsonlybridge

Eeeee Foxy!!     

We have our first home visit on Thursday by 2 different agencies LA and VA... One at 9am and the other at 4pm.. I keep cleaning and tidying and then telling DH off for making any kind of small mess lol think I need to chill a bit. Just so nervous and want to make a good first impression. 

My best friend upset me a bit yesterday, I know she didn't mean anything by it but she rolled her eyes when I told her how nervous I feel and then I went on rambling away about my hopes and fears etc. She just looked at me in a hopeless sort of a way and said, you really are just impatient about everything  

I know it was just banter really, but it took the wind out of me... If I had been quick enough to think I would have quipped back with 'yeah I guess waiting 13 years for the family you so desperately want is quite impatient really'!! 

I love her to bits and won't fall out over something so silly, she has been with me through so much and wiped away so many tears of disappointment, listened to me everyday of the IVF process and cried with me when I lost my babies, but I couldn't help but feel like she thought I was a pathetic sad case even though I know she would be just devestated if she knew I was thinking that!  

I mentioned it to DH tonight and he was more supportive than I expected. I thought he would laugh it off and tell me I'm being a bit sensitive but instead he wrapped me in his arms and said, 'Sometimes people forget how it feels to long for a family when they have theirs already, you're not impatient or silly, we are both just eager and more than ready for our family, that's all'... He is such a darling when he wants to be, love him so much   

Fur babies then promptly came over for some cuddles and fuss and a glass of vino later, and a rant on here and I'm feeling much better   

Hope you ladies are all ok xxx


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## Foxy898

It's so difficult explaining to people how you are feeling, they say they understand but they can't unless they've been through it! I have a friend who has 3 beautiful girls and says things like " you can have these 3 if you want?"  I know it's just a comment but it really bugs me! Your dh is right, you've been on such a journey to have a family that it's understandable you want everything to be right! 
Good luck on Thursday and let me know how it goes, and try to relax and be yourself!x


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## Perkins2

I'm having a terrible time with a friend at the moment as well. She'd be completely horrified at reading this as we've been friends for twenty years & I'd imagine she sees herself as very supportive. She generally has been supportive over the time I've known her but at the moment I'm not finding her supportive at all & just quick to dismiss my adoption worries. Not only does she dismiss them she then starts telling me about her anxieties about her children. I almost feel like at times she's trying to trump me with who's having a crappier time. The last thing I want is to turn it into a competition but I'd switch my situation with hers in a heartbeat. 

Her latest worries are :
1) returning to a great job (two days in the office one day at home) from her second maternity leave. How much would I love to be returning from maternity leave & how much would I love to have a reason to not work five long days a week. 
2)getting her three yr old in the school of her choice.  It's okay for my children apparently as they have been in the 'care system' so can go to any school of my choice. Completely forgetting the fact I've got to jump through a million hoops to get the children in the first place & also forgetting the fact they may have developmental problems & I may end up limited to whatever school can offer the best support. 
3) Moving house. Apparently it's not a problem for me to move after I've adopted. For her to move with two children would be terribly anxiety provoking tho, the proof being that her son is a bit confused about her mums recent move. But it doesn't stop there as apparently the move (which would only be a few miles away) would cause anxiety to her brother & her mum. Now I don't swear but wtf!!! Her brother lives happily with his girlfriend & no he doesn't have any learning disabilities or Aspergers etc. Why tf is he going to be anxious about her moving!!! I've moved hundreds of miles away from my family, maybe I should be paying for them all to have therapy!!! 
The thing is she's so articulate at the time I pretty much sympathise with her & feel bad with my pathetic worries. 

The other thing she does is turn the conversation towards children when we are in a group of friends which completely isolates me. She's had ivf so you'd think she'd know better. I tried talking to her about all the children talk & at the time I thought she understood, but afterwards I realised she thought I was referring to other friends as opposed to herself. 

I actually lied at the wkend to avoid spending time with her but she turned up at my house with flowers yesterday & I felt like a really bad person. She can be so lovely but then can make me feel so bad. I don't know whether she's changed or I've changed & it is in actual fact my envy that won't allow me to sympathise with her situation. Whatever it is, it's really ruining our friendship..


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## ClaireDa

Perkins2 said:


> I'm having a terrible time with a friend at the moment as well. She'd be completely horrified at reading this as we've been friends for twenty years & I'd imagine she sees herself as very supportive. She generally has been supportive over the time I've known her but at the moment I'm not finding her supportive at all & just quick to dismiss my adoption worries. Not only does she dismiss them she then starts telling me about her anxieties about her children. I almost feel like at times she's trying to trump me with who's having a crappier time. The last thing I want is to turn it into a competition but I'd switch my situation with hers in a heartbeat.
> 
> Her latest worries are :
> 1) returning to a great job (two days in the office one day at home) from her second maternity leave. How much would I love to be returning from maternity leave & how much would I love to have a reason to not work five long days a week.
> 2)getting her three yr old in the school of her choice. It's okay for my children apparently as they have been in the 'care system' so can go to any school of my choice. Completely forgetting the fact I've got to jump through a million hoops to get the children in the first place & also forgetting the fact they may have developmental problems & I may end up limited to whatever school can offer the best support.
> 3) Moving house. Apparently it's not a problem for me to move after I've adopted. For her to move with two children would be terribly anxiety provoking tho, the proof being that her son is a bit confused about her mums recent move. But it doesn't stop there as apparently the move (which would only be a few miles away) would cause anxiety to her brother & her mum. Now I don't swear but wtf!!! Her brother lives happily with his girlfriend & no he doesn't have any learning disabilities or Aspergers etc. Why tf is he going to be anxious about her moving!!! I've moved hundreds of miles away from my family, maybe I should be paying for them all to have therapy!!!
> The thing is she's so articulate at the time I pretty much sympathise with her & feel bad with my pathetic worries.
> 
> The other thing she does is turn the conversation towards children when we are in a group of friends which completely isolates me. She's had ivf so you'd think she'd know better. I tried talking to her about all the children talk & at the time I thought she understood, but afterwards I realised she thought I was referring to other friends as opposed to herself.
> 
> I actually lied at the wkend to avoid spending time with her but she turned up at my house with flowers yesterday & I felt like a really bad person. She can be so lovely but then can make me feel so bad. I don't know whether she's changed or I've changed & it is in actual fact my envy that won't allow me to sympathise with her situation. Whatever it is, it's really ruining our friendship..


Sorry to hear this Perkins, I think friends who have been through it seem to understand more, we have not been approved yet but our friends we made at the Adoption training have been brilliant and I hope friendships that will last especially for this route to becoming a family, not that I am advising to get new friends, I think sometimes people can get quite wrapped up in their own world and that's painful especially when they are the very people we want support from, Maybe you could get her to come along with you to some training? May be beneficial to you both?

Being a family through adoption is hard work remember how far you have come and all the journey it took to get there, and remember you have friends here albeit forum friends but I care about how things are going and I get that its not easy, I read a few books by Sally Donovan very good reads about adoption her family etc they are very good book, does your friend like reading maybe buy her one of those books ??

Take care and keep going, remember how far you have come.

Claire x


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you Foxy   yep I get the same with my sister in law who has a beautiful boy and a girl and she is always 'on her knees' with them driving her mad and says she's going to sell them on eBay if they don't stop playing up! 

Perkins I've just replied to your diary post before I saw you were actually replying to me lol   

So glad it's not just me feeling this way.. I have woken in a more positive frame of mind, although I have just been looking around the house trying to see it though the eyes of the sw's coming Thursday. So far I have removed all the bottles of bleach from the bathrooms, put my sewing box on a high shelf and moved a table because of the 'sharp corner' at imaginary little ones head height! Then I put it all back and told myself they won't expect the place to be totally child friendly because we don't have children yet! Arrrgh talk about over thinking haha!


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## Foxy898

I was the same on our first visit but all she did was look round house to make sure we'd got spare rooms etc we've only just don't our health and safety check and even then it was more like recommendations for when children are placed. I know how you feel tho as I still clean the house top to bottom when the sw coming! Anyway better go as off to our final 2 prep days this week!x


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## Perkins2

Thanks Clareda, I was a bit worried posting on here in case I was starting to sound bitter, but I feel much better for doing it. I'll look at the Sally Donovan books. My sw gave me a great long reading list & I don't know where to start. It's really difficult when you've always been the sort of person who just deals with problems as they arise rather than prepare for them. I need to deal with this process like an exam!

I hope tomorrow goes well Brigid. Neither sw looked round our house although one of them may have taken a peek whilst using the toilet. They said they wouldn't be approving the house until the start of stage two although that might be because we are going to move. It was still a good incentive to give the house a really good clean. My mum said her friends daughter was told by the sw that her house was 'too clean!'. Our sw asked if we wanted her to take her shoes off, I can just imagine what she'd have said if we said 'yes'! X


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## ClaireDa

Hi Perkins, the more reading the better, the sally Donavan ones are real and funny in places and moving, other ones I got are first steps in parent a child who hurts, toddlers and toddlers, Attachment books are interesting, real parents real children, why love matters, I have more just  can't remember titles at the mo
CORAM BAFF is a good website as is first 4 adoption


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## ClaireDa

Just wondering where everyone is in the process? We are awaiting a panel date maybe April


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## wanabmum

Hey everybody just to say I'm still reading but have no news !!!! 
I called a couple of weeks ago just to make sure I hadn't been forgotten social worker said there had been no dates choose yet for prep course but should hear nearer end Feb .

A lot of my friends make silly comments about how I have a great peaceful life and there kids are driving them crazy , just remember these are throw away comments because I'm sure I'll make the same comment when my little one is driving me crazy 😜 xxxxx


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## Pinkyd

Hey everyone
So pleased some of you have panel dates that's so exciting. 
Shame to read that some of yr friends haven't been very supportive when now is a time you really need support. In fact we've just finished doing our support map or Eco map for stage one's workbook and it made me realise how important it is to be able to rely on people. Sometimes honest can be the best medicine and if u tell them how they R making you feel they might change or think before they comment but I guess these throw away comments R just easy to say. Maybe it's a way of them expressing that they R struggling as parents and subconsciously don't want u to judge them as u r going to be great parents. Who knows...it's just ANNOYING!
We have been advised to do several elearnings as part of stage one, at the very least 3 including feotal alcohol syndrome as a must. So far I have done 7 modules and have found them really insightful. They take hours to do and are quite draining as the content is hard going. Is anyone else doing these or done these?
Good luck with the SW home visit tomorrow. We were nervous. Our SW was quite frosty and matter of fact. She did a health & safety house check and made our home seem like some sort of horror chamber for children! However she followed up by saying they were just advisory points (like taking the rug up in the living room as its a trip hazard)! We saw her again at our official stage 1 meeting and she was lovely much friendlier. 
Sending you all


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## itsonlybridge

Morning everyone... So our first home visit went much better than expected!   Sw was lovely, really down to earth and friendly. Went through some initial questions (again!) and she explained what we would be doing in stages 1 and 2 and why. 

She was also very good at explaining why she was asking specifics. For example, we don't particularly have any savings, largely due to having spent 22k on IVF and DH having recently set up his own business. However we do have investments, above average income and are capable of saving if we wanted, but we prefer to enjoy meals out etc. She said she could see there were no financial issues whatsoever but explained on paper, panel would question not having savings and how would we 'buy the child a new pair of shoes' or what if there was an emergency! We laughed about it but it goes to show how seriously they take every detail. She said cant tell us what to do, but she suggested that panel would be happy if they saw we had a savings account with 3k in it... we are in a fortunate position where that won't be a problem, but it did bother me, because if you were to have your own child you wouldn't necessarily have any savings and no one would question it if you were up to your eyeballs in debt. 

There were no other issues and she commented that her colleague wouldn't be happy because she has got a couple of 'difficult' adopters at the moment and our sw always gets the lovely straightforward ones... We took that as a good sign! She said the savings would not be an issue and that there is always a way around most things. She said that the main issues that prevent people progressing to stage 1 are usually background checks and medical, ours should be fine so fingers crossed we will get approved to begin stage 1 in the next week!

She didn't look around the house after all my cleaning efforts lol   but she did use the bathroom so I expect she had a sneaky look upstairs. 

We told her what our preferences were and she didn't flinch! She said there are an awful lot more younger children in care and coming though the system and she has placed a lot of under ones recently. She asked how we felt about meeting birth parents and also said that she is seeing a lot more cases of mental health issues in birth parents as opposed to alcohol and drug abuse.  She said the separations are rarely met with aggression and that's it's just a very sad and emotional process, but obviously done in child's best interest. The meet seems to be positive for both birth parents and adopters and gives closure for birth mum who generally accepts by that point she is unable to cope with LO. So we are open to that provided the situation is safe.

She gave some examples of some Lo's she has recently placed and really brought their little personalities to life, she said it's the best bit of the job when the children are matched and placed and she loves it. She also said she quite often has a match before panel as she likes to be proactive and we will have a panel date to work towards by her next visit   

Feeling very positive and excited so far and DH was very engaged with her so all good! Have some homework to do on foetal alcohol syndrome and mental health issues and watched a 3 part adoption documentary last night that aired in May 2016. Very insightful and tear jerking! 

Very ready to get going with this now xxx


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## Foxy898

So glad the sw visit went well and you got on so well with her! It's funny how they all do things differently, we were never asked about finances until end stage 2! We finished our final prep day yesterday, we met some great people there who we will stay in touch with. Just under 2 weeks to go until panel now


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## itsonlybridge

Hey Foxy, yes it is funny how they all do it differently, you'd think they would stick to set guidelines so to speak. So glad your prep days have gone well and you've made some good connections with people. I think these bonds we make will be more important than we realise in the future for our emotional support network. Under 2 weeks til panel eeek!!!!  It feels a long way until we are at that stage but I'm sure it will soon come around... I worked out if we start stage 1 in March, we should have a panel date for September... so anything earlier will be a bonus as hopefully we should be starting stage within the next couple of weeks


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## Foxy898

Stage 2 seemed to go really fast for us and panel has come round quickly, I found stage one a bit of a drag as nothing really happens! One of the couples on our course are looking for a child between 3-5 and she said their social worker had said they had a lot of babies at the moment!! Good news for us if there is but our sw hasn't mentioned anything yet!xx


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## itsonlybridge

Yeah I can imagine how the first stage would drag because it's all down to them doing background checks etc and we are just sort of left doing research and learning I guess.

I am beginning to feel very excited that there is a possibility I could be meeting my forever children this year!  
They may well be waiting for us already. It is a strange mix of new feelings but very good feelings and I must say it is a far cry from the woeful feelings of the IVF process where I felt like a crazy, emotional wreck with the attention span of a gnat! 
I now feel patient, strong and ready to take on whatever is needed   xxx


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## Foxy898

I was really calm with the adoption process compared to ivf until the other week when I suddenly had a major wobble lol I was constantly waiting for something to go wrong but my dh was really good and chilled me out about it all! I just hope that getting matched doesn't take so long , it's strange to think my child could be out there somewhere!!!


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## itsonlybridge

You have done amazingly well if you have had just one wobble throughout this process Hun   I'm expecting at least a few wobbles of panic and nerves but when you compare that to the weekly and sometimes daily wobbles of IVF it's a much calmer and positive journey. Have you thought about your scrapbook yet? I've already been getting a few photos together!  

I really hope you aren't waiting very long for your child, that must be the hardest part... But it will be soooo worth it when it happens and it's right xx


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## Foxy898

We've got most of the pictures together so we're going to make it over the weekend!! Was just saying to dh that it is nearly a year ago that we started our last ivf! I remember it well as I started injections on our wedding anniversary and took preg test on my birthday lol  hopefully by my birthday this year We'll have been approved


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## Pinkyd

Wish we had the facility to like others comments as I'd love to like all your positive comments. So pleased Bridget yr visit sounds fab and the SW sounds great. They all obviously do things differently so this forum is great for info to know what's coming etc. 
I agree this process is much calmer than IVF and I feel more in control. There will b a positive outcome (hopefully) so the odds feel so much heavier in our favour


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## Foxy898

OMG sw just been to drop our par off and has given us the profile of a 6 month old girl to look at! Suddenly everything is very real!x


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## Macgyver

Hi all, hope I can join in.

sorry been away for a year but had to wait until our la would accept new applicants.
We are hopefully adopting for the 2nd time. We have completed most of the paperwork, have our medicals booked for next week and our home visits start the beginning of march.
Hopefully panel April/may.
We only just found out our sw is the person who did our initial home visit so she seemed very nice.

Now I need to get use to the new layout of FF as a lot has changed lol 
Love Mac x


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## Thepinklady

Macgyver the layout has not changed but for some reason often the browser is taking you to the mobile site. Scroll to the bottom of the page and you should see a link to the full site. Click on this and you should see the normal format return. It happened to me a while back and I got so frustrated as the mobile site is awful to navigate round. Good luck with second time round assessment.


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## Macgyver

Thank you thepinklady x


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## cokes

We are adopting for the 2nd time, approval panel was two weeks ago and had a email last week about 9 month girl. Lo's social worker coming next week also medical advisor appointment booked week after. Hoping all will go ok!


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## Foxy898

Hi hope everyone is getting on ok? This process can be so frustrating, our sw bought us a profile to look at when she came Monday, we've done some research based on what was on the profile and are really interested. We've spoke to our sw today to say we're interested and can she give us more info! She said she can't give anymore info until we've been to panel and been approved and had the official letter a week later!! So that's it no more info for 2 weeks!! She is going to discuss our interest with child's sw so I suppose that's something but there's something that feels right about this lo so fingers crossed


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## butterfly15

Hi All,

Please can I join you?  I was on last years adoption buddies 2016 as we did stage one a year ago, but had to postpone stage two as I changed jobs so we are in the middle of stage two.  We have just finished our social worker visits and she has met all our referees so just waiting for her to type up our PAR.  We have a panel date set for 24th March all being well.

I have been looking at all your stories trying to keep up with them all.  It's funny how some authorities say one thing and another one will say something else.  We have specified a girl under two but have been told that there aren't many babies out there so may have to go for 3-4 years old which is fine too, but I can see that some of you have been told there are a lot of babies out there at the moment, so who knows??

I have been volunteering at Rainbows which is great fun.  My husband and I had a chat tonight as it all seems really rather real now.  We have been TTC for 6 years and had one round of IVF which failed in 2013.

Wishing you all lots of luck on your journey and I look forward to keeping up with your progress.

xxx


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## Foxy898

Welcome butterfly! It's great when your sw visits have finished isn't it? We got our par last week and it's really nice to read someone's opinion of you! We are going to panel on Thursday, I'm so nervous but excited at the same time. Another couple from our prep course got approved last week and another is at panel the same day as us! We've been finishing off our photo book today which has actually been really good fun!!
Hope everyone else on here is doing well!xx


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## butterfly15

Thanks Foxy, wow exciting times for you.  Try not to be nervous and just be yourself as that's what this is all about.  Will be thinking of you on Thursday good luck and let us know how it goes.

We do feel relieved that the visits are over as they are quite intense.  We haven't been told to do a photo book yet, we are just waiting to receive our PAR to view!

xxx


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## Foxy898

I think every agency does it differently, we have to take the book to panel along with a portfolio that includes our research! We will then have to update our book once we're matched ready for matching panel!
I know what you mean about the visits being intense, we had 2 individual sessions each and one of mine was 4 hours long!!! I had to lay down after she'd gone lol xx


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## MrsD87

Hi everyone...
Feeling a bit bleugh after this afternoons meeting with the SW. During our home study, she has cancelled appointments around 4 or 5 times, which is fine. I totally understand that there are things that have to take priority. She has now said that she may not get our report done before our panel date which is currently scheduled for 29th March which means we'll have to wait another month. She told my husband that she expects him to take time off work from teaching (which is not easy) to complete the report and kept repeating that it's unfortunate that we are on holiday during feb half term (its my 30th birthday gift). Its so frustrating. We dont want to have to wait another month. Ugh.


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## Foxy898

Ahh that's awful mrsD, my hubby has had to take lots of time off to complete the home study but the dates were all arranged at beginning of stage 2 and she tried to do them later in the afternoon so he only had to take an hour or so off! Enjoy your week away and try not to worry too much about having to wait another month ( easier said than done, I know) you never know she might get it done in time!x


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## Thepinklady

mrsd consider speaking to your Sw senior. Too often in an effort to seem keen to please and keep on their good side us adopters except far too much of sw own attitude and opinions rather than that of their agency or authority. If the report would have been finished on time and without your dh having to take time off if it had not been for her cancelling all the appointments then the fault lies with her. She needs to do more to facilitate and rectify the solution. Sometimes it takes a word from their senior. We do have recourse us adopters.


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## itsonlybridge

Afternoon ladies

Hope you are all doing ok, welcome to all the newbies to the thread and hello  

Foxy Have you heard any more about the LO you were interested in yet?

MrsD I'm sorry to hear your panel will be delayed, thats so frustrating after all you have worked up to that initial date. Try and stay positive, it will all be worth it in the end and the frustrations will seem a lifetime ago when you have your LO tucked up at home with you  

So following our first sw visit a couple weeks ago, we had a call yesterday to say we have been accepted to begin stage 1 which was a lovely Valentines present  
I have now received lot's of paperwork to complete ready for her next visit in March and we have been booked onto 3 prep courses for 11th,12th and 18th March which are over weekend periods which is great.

I now need to go around the house with the health and safety check list tying up bathroom string light switches out of reach, removing bathroom locks, inserting child proof socket covers, and apparently we need a thermostat on the hot water taps! Has anyone ever heard of that before?  

Started the financial report but need to get some paperwork out to complete that but the DAB form is complete so that's a start! 

Meanwhile, I am struggling to walk today after a monster session with the personal trainer at the gym on Monday! Really not looking forward to going tonight but needs must!  

Hope everyone else is ok today.. half way through the week girls! xxx


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## Foxy898

Hi itsonlybridget glad to hear things are moving along for you!
We haven't heard anymore about the lo yet as they won't tell us until after we've been approved and had official letter! But panel is tomorrow afternoon so won't be long! I'm so nervous even though I'm sure it will be ok, it hasn't helped that our social worker was meant to be seeing us today just to go over what will happen tomorrow but we had a call this morning to say she was off sick today! They've assured us that even if our sw is still off tomorrow  that it will still go ahead! Still doesn't help the nerves though lol


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## itsonlybridge

Oh blimey Foxy, you've really been left in the lurch there! I have everything crossed for panel tomorrow... I'm sure you will be absolutely fine as you wouldn't have gotten this far otherwise. Let us know how you get on ooooh so excited for you!!!


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## Foxy898

I'll let you know as soon as I can! I'll give u all the heads up on what panel is like!x


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## Michelle86

Hi everyone,  hope I can join this board! We have finally begun our adoption journey and had our social worker initial visit on Monday. We are just waiting to hear from her whether or not we can move on to Stage One. The visit felt really positive so I'm hoping everything is good.  We really want to get excited, but are nervous to let ourselves!    

Michelle


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## MrsD87

Thepinklady said:


> mrsd consider speaking to your Sw senior. Too often in an effort to seem keen to please and keep on their good side us adopters except far too much of sw own attitude and opinions rather than that of their agency or authority. If the report would have been finished on time and without your dh having to take time off if it had not been for her cancelling all the appointments then the fault lies with her. She needs to do more to facilitate and rectify the solution. Sometimes it takes a word from their senior. We do have recourse us adopters.


Hello! Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately it is her boss who is reassigning her a lot of the time. She is due to retire in the next couple of months so they are pulling her in every direction to get things done before she leaves so we are being pushed to the bottom of the pile. 

After a heated conversation with the SW yesterday, my DH managed to reschedule some stuff at school so that he could leave at lunch for our next appointment. A couple of hours later, an email came through to say that she was cancelling again. Its incredibly frustrating and we are pretty cross about it all. I suggested that someone else do the last bit with us and she said that wasnt possible.


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## Thepinklady

That is appalling! You could go above her boss but probably not worth the stress. Hope you get things sorted soon.


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## Pinkyd

Good luck for tomorrow Foxy  
MrsD what a nightmare. They hold our lives in their hands & can be so unreasonable it's not fair   Hope you manage to get a new sw somehow or yr existing one bucks her ideas up. 
Hi Michelle I hope u hear soon but all sounds positive from yr visit. Hi butterfly too and hope everyone else is doing ok. 
We submitted all of our stage one workbook stuff last week and our sw advises she is just waiting for a LA check to come back now (we r with a LA outside of our own area so they do a check with the LA where u live). Then we r just waiting to hear if we can proceed to stage 2. We have our first prep training date next Saturday so all exciting stuff and positive steps forward. 
Am reading nurturing adoptions by Deborah gray which is really good. 
Best wishes to you all xx


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## tinkytoes

Any news Foxy??!!


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## Foxy898

We got a yes!!!!


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## Foxy898

Now I've got more time I can fill everyone in on panel! Really wasn't as bad as I thought, only lasted 35 mins in total, we only had to go in for 5 of those! When the panel chair person came out and told us it was a unanimous yes I nearly cried! She also said we will see you soon for matching panel, I believe it's a girl! We just looked stunned as nothing has been decided yet regarding the little girl we were given the profile of as we haven't had the full info yet! I think they've already decided it's a match lol 
Hope everyone else is getting on ok! Just remember however hard it gets at times that you'll get there one day!!xx


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## butterfly15

YAY CONGRATULATIONS FOXY!!!!!  And already a possible match that's fantastic news!!!!!!!!  xxx


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## Pinkyd

Super fantastic news Foxy so pleased for you. Here's to being matched v soon. So exciting   xx


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## wanabmum

Hey ladies , I'm off next Tuesday to my info night then start prep courses the following 3 Sundays ....... I'm so excited just to get started , funny how nothing happens for ages and then suddenly everything starts at once .
Hope everybody is doing well and staying positive on there wait .. will all be worth it xx


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## Pinkyd

Hi 
Wanabmum good luck tomorrow hope it goes well. We've just had our first prep training day on Saturday and it was great. Tough going as the content is obviously hard hitting but it was delivered very well. We got to meet lots of other couples who were al very lovely & have very different stories so it was all really insightful. Got the next one on Friday. Just need that phone call from our SW now to say we r through to stage 2 as feel a bit in limbo not knowing. X


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## itsonlybridge

Fantastic news Foxy yaaaay  

How did you get on wannabemum?

No news here at the moment, our sw is currently off sick but we have sent off our registration interest which has been accepted and background checks are now being carried out with a letter apparently on its way to advise on medicals so at least it is underway but I feel there will be a delay initially with sw being poorly.

Meanwhile, work has been utter chaos, DH has been snowed under with the set up of his new business which is coming along nicely but was always going to be a big thing. 

It is my 40th in May and I'm trying to decide what I'd like to do. We would like one last nice holiday as a twosome this year and with my 40th, we thought about maybe Thailand, but now I'm fretting about dates and worried that it will interfere with home study too much.

Oh well much to think on.. hope you are all ok xxxxx


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## Foxy898

Hi all hope you are all doing well! Quick update on us, after finally receiving our official approval we have been given the cpr of the little girl we were given the profile of a few weeks ago. She's absolutely beautiful but there wasn't as much information on there as we'd like! For instance lo is currently 7 months but the cpr was done when she was 4 months, We've arranged to meet the child's sw next week so I'm sure they can tell us more about her current development etc! It's so frustrating as we feel we can't make a decision about moving forward until we find out more x


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## tinkytoes

Congratulations Foxy!!! Excellent news especially on getting the CPR.  I have everything crossed that it works out for you.

We head to our panel on Monday and have a few queries ongoing for sibling pairs.  I'm hoping we will get lots more info if we are approved.  


It can't come quick enough. 

Hope everyone is progressing.  I'll let you know how it goes next week.

xxx


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## Foxy898

Ahh great news twinkytoes and good luck! I'm trying not to get too excited about this lo, as beautiful as she is we need to make sure she's the right child for us! It's such a big decision that we want all the info we can, I get the impression that if we say yes they want to move quickly so it could be all systems go!x


----------



## Pinkyd

Foxy great news good luck I hope u find out as much as u can & it all works out well  
Twinkletoes good luck for Monday eek! Exciting. 
Welcome SLB I hope the open eve gives u a good insight. 
Itsonlybridget sounds like a great idea to have a nice holibob especially for yr big bday. I'm sure a week or two won't interfere too much. 
Just ordered a book called dustbin baby which has been recommended on our prep training. I'll let u all know wat it's like. 
X


----------



## tinkytoes

Ah thanks guys.

Foxy, I know what you mean about being right, we have the CPR for a sibling pair and they are fabulous BUT the youngest is just a couple of years or so older than we had hoped.  We don't know what to do and until we are approved we don't know what other potential matches are out there at the age range we are hoping for the youngest.  The children's SW wants to meet us after panel. We don't know whether we are being unrealistic about the age or should go for it with this beautiful pair. I must admit if my husband said yes I would definitely want to pursue them but he is uncertain.  

So I'm really looking forward to getting past panel when hopefully SW can talk more freely with us. Anyone else been in a similar dilemma?

xx


----------



## born2shop

Hello

Hope you don't mind me joining this conversation, I have been on previous boards in over the last couple of years but we are not in the process of having our first home visit next week from the SW.

I have a couple of queries that we would like to ask you before our visit and hope that it doesn't jeopardise our adoption process:

We have been married for 10 years and together for 11 years we don't have any birth children but have been trying to have our own child for 10 years. My husband had a relationship around 1999/2000 which wasn't a good one and the relationship broke down. After they had broken up, the ex girlfriend had found out that she was pregnant. My husband has not had a any contact with the child at all, although he really did try to make contact but the mother would not allow it .  As we have our first interview are these type of questions likely to come up?  We are worried that this may come up in the first interview with the SW next week. 

What will they want to know about the previous relationship?
Would they need to contact the mother of the child?
What other information are they likely to ask?

Any information about this area of the interview or any other questions about what they ask would be very welcome x


----------



## watakerfuffle

born2shop my advice is to be completely open and honest about the situation. Don't wait to be asked, I would tell them. I don't have personal experience of your situation but would think social worker will see it as significant information and want to get all the details from past and present and feelings about it all. Showing that you have thought ahead as well and how you plan to deal with things. They do contact previous significant partners. Other questions they may ask about are your child care experience, what homework you have done about adoption, health, your jobs, leisure activities, your home, finances, support network. That kind of thing. Good luck. 

SLB1984 I think you can register initial interest with more than one and go along to their information sessions but you would then have to choose one before proceeding to the next stage. I don't have any experience of a VA but I would have thought if you are looking for age 0-2 then an LA would be better. That age range is in high demand and usually get placed within the LA unless for safeguarding reasons they need to be out of area.  The younger range also get placed through foster to adopt. Not sure if a VA does foster to adopt, you'd have to ask or someone else may have experience of that on here! Good luck.


----------



## watakerfuffle

SLB984 just to add that it would also depend on the level of uncertainty you are prepared to take on and what health needs you can meet. My SW mentioned they have a baby who's birth mum heavily drank throughout whole pregnancy so with FAS quite possible they were struggling to place baby, they would then look at other options like placing outside of the agency. Just other things to consider and questions to ask


----------



## tinkytoes

Hi Guys, just an update from me (and repeated in my diary but couldn't resist a mention here also) we were approved on Monday!!!

Such a relief.  

Butterfly, I think you are next on the 24th?  Best of luck, the panel experience in our case was a lovely experience albeit nerve wracking. 

xx


----------



## Foxy898

Huge Congratulations tinkytoes!! We've got a meeting this afternoon with the social workers of a child were interested in, I'm so nervous!!


----------



## butterfly15

Huge congratulations twinkytoes thats fantastic news!!!!

We had our final meeting with our social worker today before panel to go over our PAR apparently her manager loves us and we haven't even met her yet. Panel on 24th two weeks tomorrow. 

Hope everyone is ok xxx


----------



## Raggydoll

Hi, I'm new here! Hope you don't mind me tagging along! We are midway through stage one of the adoption process and currently ploughing our way through the workbook. We have a birth daughter already and I'm finding it a bit of an emotional rollercoaster so far. I am desperately hoping that we are making the right decision for our family and that despite any struggles there may be our story will be a positive one over all. I check the adoption uk forum regularly and sometimes find the stark reality of things on there a little overwhelming if I'm honest. It would be great to hear how others deal with these sorts of emotions and how you are feeling about the process.


----------



## Pinkyd

Twinkletoes fantastic news that's great. Wishing you much luck with your matching. 
Foxy, not long now and sounds like it should all go smoothly. Great to have such positive feedback   let us know how it goes. 
Welcome raggydoll I know wat you mean about adoption UK forum I had to stop looking at it as I found it so harsh and negative. It's not all doom and gloom, we are talking about little people after all that need good homes. Stay strong as you get tested lots along the way but will be worth it. 
We've now been told we have to go for an end of stage 1 meeting, which is next Thursday, feels like it will be like a job interview. But for a job you have to get, no pressure then


----------



## butterfly15

Welcome Raggydoll,

We started the process a year ago but had to take a six month break between stage one and stage two as I started a new job. That was hard but we are now at panel stage which is on 24th march. Over the past three months we have been going through stage two which is very hard.  We even questioned ourselves in January whether we were doing the right thing. But this is normal to feel this way. We have come out the other side of our doubts and have no doubts whatsoever we are doing the right thing.

I would definitely carry on the process everyone has their doubts and second thoughts but you are doing an amazing thing. Keep going xx


----------



## Foxy898

Hi, just to let everyone know we are now officially linked to a beautiful baby girl!! Matching panel in 6 weeks! We're over the moon! Can't believe I'm finally going to be a mummy! Hope everyone else is doing well xx


----------



## itsonlybridge

Congratulations Foxy! That's wonderful news... you must be over the moon. Wishing the next 6 weeks away for you, it must feel like forever but at least you have time to get everything ready for your new little girl... how wonderful


----------



## Foxy898

Thanks, we went and ordered the nursery furniture and pram on Saturday! It was my birthday so it was a real treat! Last year on my birthday I had a negative pregnancy test after ivf! Xx


----------



## Pinkyd

Ah Foxy how wonderful and exciting many congrats. Enjoy all the nesting xx


----------



## butterfly15

Oh my godFoxy that is fantastic news, I really hope we are all matched as quickly as you have been!!!  I'm so pleased for you that you can now start planning!  The hardest thing is not knowing when they are coming and what age they will be, but when you are pregnant you know this, so at least now you know you can start to look forward to it.

Will you have a baby shower??  Keep us posted on the progress!  11 sleeps for us until panel!  Just want that hurdle over and done with now


----------



## Foxy898

Thanks, we were surprised too!! It only took 6 months for us to get approved and we were given her profile before approval panel! She'll be 10 months when she comes home! Family members wanted to throw me a shower but I said to wait, I think I'll let them now! 😝


----------



## Pinkyd

Hi
Butterfly good luck for panel not long now. 
We just had our end of stage 1 meeting & have had the great news that we r through to stage 2. First home visit booked for April, panel date hopefully in July. So pleased


----------



## Foxy898

Congratulations pinkyd! Stage 2 seemed to go so much quicker for me, I think it's because you see your sw regularly so it feels like something is happening! Good luck with home study!xx


----------



## butterfly15

Yay Pinkyd that's fantastic news!!!  I agree with Foxy, stage two goes so quick!!!!!  Whoop whoop! xx


----------



## tinkytoes

Hi guys, quick update from me. We've been linked!!!! All early days so far and noting set in stone. Hoping to meet the children's SW in the coming weeks. Can't quite believe it! Will keep you all posted.  xxx


----------



## Pinkyd

Yay twinkletoes   Fingers crossed
Have a good weekend everyone x


----------



## butterfly15

Yay Tinkytoes whoop whoop!!!  I really hope we are matched as quick as everyone else seems to be, I have made myself expect at least a 6 month wait to be matched, how long has everyone waited to be matched since panel??


----------



## Foxy898

We went to panel on 23rd Feb and we're officially linked on 13th march! We had her profile before panel though! Matching panel 27th April x


----------



## MrsD87

Hi foxy! Thats amazing news! Is that common to get a profile before approval panel? Weve got ours on the 12th april but there been no clue on potential children x


----------



## Foxy898

I'm not sure! We were told they may start family finding in stage 2 but never expected we would hear anything! They gave us her profile 2 weeks before panel but we couldn't see anymore info or a picture until we had been approved! I suppose each agency will have their own way of doing things!x


----------



## MrsD87

I feel a bit like we are so close but so far! Brother in law and his wife were interviewed for our reference tonight and they are also adopters. They said that they felt like they had a child earmarked for us but wasn't 100% sure. It has been the most incredible emotional rollercoaster i've ever been on! 3 weeks and 2 days until approval panel...i'm so nervous!! I feel like i'm going to totally fall apart because i'm quite an emotional person x


----------



## Foxy898

I was exactly the same before panel, I didn't sleep properly for 3 weeks before! I think sometimes they do have a child in mind as when I looked back on things our sw said it makes me wonder! I'm not going to tell u to relax as I know how difficult that is, you've got this far so if there was going to be any problem at panel you would know! This process is not easy but I'm sure it will be worth it in the end!x


----------



## butterfly15

Hi All,

Just thought I would give you an update before panel on FRIDAY EEEK!

Our social workers manager came to see us yesterday, she goes to visit so she can meet the adopters.  She asked us how we found the process and how we found working with our social worker etc, all of which we expressed how comfortable we are with her and the whole process has been very positive from start to finish.  She then went  on to say she has also come round to say how impressed with us she is!!!  She liked us from reading our PAR and she wanted to come and meet us to see if our social worker had got it all right, and she said she has hit the nail on the head with us and we are perfect for adoption!!  We were beaming from ear to ear!  She doesn't see any issues on Friday!!  We are first in too!!  Nerves are kicking in a little but I feel a bit better after her visit!!

Hope you are all ok!!


----------



## Pinkyd

Butterfly how fab well done that's great feedback. You will sail through on Friday for sure. Keep us posted & good luck x


----------



## Foxy898

Ahh that's lovely! I was terrified when going to panel but it's no where near as bad as u think, we were only called in for 5 minutes and the whole thing was 45 minutes from us getting there to leaving! Let us know how it goes at panel as soon as u can!x


----------



## tinkytoes

Butterfly,

it really is a lovely day, we felt so special during our panel, we were complimented so much and we told there and then that we were approved.  Lap it up!

update from me - meeting children's social worker next week!!!!! praying praying praying   as I'm already in love


----------



## MrsD87

We finally finished our assessment today which is a massive relief and I feel like I can relax a bit more...2 weeks and 6 days until approval panel!!


----------



## Foxy898

We have just been to meet baby girls foster carers! They are so lovely and put our mind at rest loads! Can't wait for matching panel now!😊😊


----------



## butterfly15

Hi All, thank you for all your lovely, supportive comments it means so much.  I will let you know tomorrow evening.  I can't believe we started this journey a year ago and after having to take the 6 month break between stage one and two due to starting a new job, panel is finally here!!!

Well done Foxy, Tinkytoes and MrsD sounds like things are moving forward for you all.  Keep us posted!!!

xxx


----------



## butterfly15

We did it!!! We got a unanimous yes!!!!!!!!! Currently enjoying a glass of champagne!!!!!


----------



## Pinkyd

Well done butterfly fantastic news so pleased for you. 
MrsD not long for you now either 
Foxy hope matching panel goes well & comes around soon
SLB1984 hope things are progressing for you
Twinkletoes fingers crossed for next week
Xx


----------



## MrsD87

Happy Mother's Day to all the future mums. It can be a difficult day, I know it has been for me in the past. Hopefully this will be the last one alone for everyone! Lots of love for today x


----------



## itsonlybridge

Hi ladies, I haven't been on for a little while as we weren't sure things were going to go ahead with stage 1 due to sw having an issue with our finances.. We couldn't really understand why there was an issue as we have shown we have savings that are growing and that we will have a substantial disposable income if I stop work for 12 months. Anyway having written a very thorough supporting document sw was very happy with that and admitted she isn't good with finance part as she doesn't understand a lot of it and that goes to someone else to assess so she Asks for as much detail as possible to to try and pre empt any issues.
So we have completed all we can for stage 1 and she will write it all up and pass to her manager for approval by 21st April.... So now we wait   

Hope everyone is ok, I am just reading and catching up to you all... We are all at such different stages! Xxx


----------



## Foxy898

I'm sure it will all be fine itsonlybridget! We never discussed finances until stage 2 but it was nothing major, I think she asked to see bank statements and list our outgoings etc but that was it! We're meeting the agency medical advisor tomorrow to talk about lo then life appreciation day on12th so everything moving along nicely! Her room is all ready now and we have most of the equipment we need, it's so exciting and emotional, I keep going in the room and tearing up!!x


----------



## itsonlybridge

Thanks Foxy... I really hope we make it to your stage... I keep looking at our spare room thinking how we could soon be decorating that for a LO.

SW said our panel date would be in July! That's a lot sooner than I thought, she said it's because she has to allow 3 weeks either side of the 4 month deadline for certain things. So if we make it to stage 2, we have our home study sessions booked in throughout May and she will use June to write it all up.  

I'm going to have to stop thinking about it somehow for the next 3 weeks while we wait for their decision! It's very slightly akin to the 2ww! although nowhere near as emotionally draining or stressful ! Just nerve wracking. 

Butterfly, congratulations! That's amazing news, well done. 

Hope everyone else is ok today... warmest day of the year today apparently! Bring on the summer xxxx


----------



## tinkytoes

Hi Guys,

All sounds positive for everyone, keep the news rolling in.  Butterfly, massive congrats!!!! We did the champagne thing too   Foxy, I'm welling up just reading your post, how the time has flown I hope you bring home little pink soon. 

Update our end, our meeting with the children's social worker went well (we think), we have said yes!  so now she is now putting it to her manager and subject to that it is all systems go.  We saw more pictures and I am now stupidly in love and a bit scared it may go horribly wrong and we have to go through yet another loss.  So we've got everything crossed.  Will keep you posted.

xx


----------



## Foxy898

Ahh twinklytoes that's great news!! It's such an emotional process, there's always a hurdle and I'm just waiting for something to go wrong constantly as it all seems too good to be true! Can't believe my dreams are going to come true and I'm going to be a mummy to a beautiful baby girl 😊Xx


----------



## butterfly15

Great news tinkytoes!!!!

I really can't believe how quickly you are all being matched I am expecting at least 6 months wait.


----------



## tinkytoes

Thanks guys, we now have a meeting set up with the FCs and a possible matching panel date although it is still in the air.  I can't quite believe it all!!!  

It has happened so very quickly although we have been very proactive in our search; we used Linkmaker and it helped me to know that I was doing something rather than just waiting.  Perhaps ask your SW if you can join it (if not already).  

I hope you get some news soon Butterfly. 

Take care everyone xx


----------



## butterfly15

Hi Tinkytoes, we are on Link Maker just yesterday and have seen a couple on there already so fingers crossed it won't be long for us either.  Did you find your match on there or did you SW find it? xxx


----------



## tinkytoes

Hi Butterfly, it was on Linkmaker  

We had an earlier link (again linkmaker) but it fell through (our decision).  Struggled at first with the 'shopping' approach to Linkmaker  but soon got over it.  You gotto do what you've gotto do. 

We found if the child's SW was interested they come back to us fairly quickly, usually within a week.  We have made enquiries of other children but never heard anything at all (so don't feel despondent if that is the case - although admittedly we did).

Fingers and toes it works for you.  I have noticed a sudden increase in new profiles being added in our age category, bless them.


----------



## butterfly15

Ah thanks so much tinkytoes that's great!!!  Did you contact the social worker directly through link maker or via your own social worker?  Sorry for all the questions.

You are right about it being tough at first especially when you hear some of their back grounds.

xxx


----------



## NickyNack

Hi everyone I posted last year but I've had to put my adoption journey on hold until I moved house and was due to move Feb this year but all fell through. I now however, have another buyer and everything is going through again so fingers crossed! I am a lone adopter and have had my first visit with the SWs from my LA in Sept 16 and was approved to start Nov 16 but said I wanted to move house before I started. It's really frustrating as just want to be a mum as I'm sure a lot of you understand and had a MC in my early 30s, then another following my first round of ICSI IVF and then my further 2 goes just not working 😥 I then split with my fiancé last May and thought 'I can do this on my own' so I am! I'm now 41 though and feel everyone around me has kids or is having them and although I'm a v hands on Auntie I feel the maternal ache and pain daily. My younger sister has just announced that she is having her 2nd baby which I'm finding very hard but just having to accept as don't want to be left out as it makes me feel worse and her too. The thought of adopting my own child is what keeps me going and my dream of being a Mummy becoming a reality - I'm scared though to think this could actually happens in case it doesn't! Anyway, I have a question - have many of you gone down the foster to adopt route? I initially said no to this option but now starting to think if it should be something I def consider as I would like to pref adopt a 0-2 year old? Also, because I am on my own I would have to give up work for this option and not sure 🤔 would be able to cope if I bonded with a child but then had to give them back? Any info would be greatly appreciated ☺👍🏼 Xx


----------



## tinkytoes

Hi Nicky,

It probably won't be a decision that you will need to make until further on in the process. 

Whilst we kept our minds open to foster to adopt and included it on our sheet we were uncomfortable with it, for the very same reasons you say, to go through yet another loss on top of everything would just be crap.  However.  If the right match cam along then we decided that we would go for it because adoption full of risks, nothing is guaranteed and we thought we would just see how we felt if and when it came along.  

I'd say don't discount it until you have explored it fully with SW and you've got further on in the process.  Best of luck with it all.

Butterfly - we found the match!  That'll be a nice conversation to have with the LO's when we do life story work


----------



## Foxy898

We were really torn about whether to do foster to adopt but decided in the end that there were too many added risks. It's such a fantastic thing if it works but wasn't for us! 
We have life appreciation day next wed and then it's only 2 weeks to matching panel, we hopefully start introducuctions with our baby girl on 8th may!! I'm so excited, but I wish it was sooner!! 
Hope everyone is doing ok xx


----------



## MrsD87

Panel meeting on Wednesday. Pretty scared!!


----------



## Foxy898

Try not to be scared MrsD, I know it's scary but it's no where near as bad as you think! Good luck and let us know how you get on xx


----------



## MrsD87

We were given a unanimous yes! So chuffed and can't really believe it!!x


----------



## Foxy898

Congratulations!!!x


----------



## MrsD87

Thank you ☺


----------



## butterfly15

Congratulations Mrs D xxxx


----------



## MrsD87

Thanks so much!! What sort of things should we be doing now? Did you buy much at this point? Or decorate the nursery? X


----------



## tinkytoes

Congrats Mrs D!!! Whoop!!! 

News our end, meetings with the FCs went well and the medical advisor too and we have a matching panel date!  We also had a bump into meeting in the park.  It was amazing!  We are in love and cannot wait for our children to come home!!!

I will keep you posted on any more news  

This is happening!!!!!


----------



## HoneyBoo1

Hi ladies,

Congratulations to all who had become parents recently  

After a few failed ivf cycles we have given up and decided to go for an adoption.

I am completely clueless and don't know where to start. How do we apply for a stage 1. Is it better to contact a couple of agencies in our area? We are in West Midlands

Sorry for all the questions, this forum has been so supportive to us,

Thank you lovely ladies,
Honey x


----------



## Pinkyd

Sooo pleased MrsD well done how exciting. Twinkletoes everything sounds brill yr end, fantastic news v happy for u. Hope u get yr LO home soon. 
Had our first home visit today which was really good. She didn't however walk round the house with a white glove which is what i was expecting & almost felt disappointed that she didn't see how spotless everywhere was lol.


----------



## Pinkyd

Honey - hi
We contacted a few local authorities in and around our area. Some May say there aren't taking on new adopters at the moment. Others may not get back to you. It can be frustrating to start with. There are also independent agencies you can try and then see which you like the sound of and go to a few open evenings. Then you can pick one to officially apply to (u can only go with one). Hope that helps & good luck with your new exciting journey xx


----------



## NicKim

Hello! Complete forum newbie here, hoping to join in - hubs and I have just passed stage 1 and waiting to start stage 2 in May. Feels ridiculously unreal at the moment. We have a daughter already from ICSI, but decided we didn't want to go back to ivf again, so adoption it is. Our agency is the LA, so far so good  
So amazing to scan through all the positive posts on this thread, so exciting to see families being made!!


----------



## Cars

Hi All, 

I hope you don't mind but I would love some company on this journey!  My OH and I have been on the adoption journey for almost 7 years, it's a long story but we had a miracle birth child almost 6 years ago. We started the adoption process 18 months ago again in a pursuit to complete our family. We have just been matched with a six month old baby girl but unfortunately there has been legal complications so we are unsure when we are going to bring her home, the next month is going to be difficult and I hoped that being on here might help get me through it! Happy to share my experiences about adopting in Scotland xx


----------



## butterfly15

Welcome Cars and Nickim, we have been trying for a family for 6 years and had a round of IVF in 2013 which failed so decided adoption was the road we wanted to take. We were approved on 24 March so just playing the waiting game. It is a roller coaster of a ride but we have enjoyed the whole experience so far. The hardest part is the waiting.

How is everyone else??


----------



## MrsD87

Welcome guys! This forum is fab and really invaluable. 

We are approved and waiting too butterfly15. Have you done much to prepare your house? Not sure if we are doing too much or not enough!


----------



## Mumanddad

Hi cars
I'm so sorry your having legal issues. Your post struck a cord with me as we had loads of legal hold ups and I found being able to talk to the ladies on here gave me the strength to stick with it even though it was not how most adoptions went. We got there in the end and our little girl has been home for nearly 15 months now, keep smiling x x


----------



## NicKim

Thanks guys  You'd think we'd all be used to waiting by now, but it never gets easier does it? Really hope you get matched soon MrsD87 and butterfly15 - have you been given any indicators of how long it might take? Cars, do you have any influence over the legal issues, or do you have to just wait it out?  Must be so frustrating when all you want is to bring her home. As for us, I got call from our social worker today, we start stage 2 next week, hurrah! Guessing it's about to get a bit more real...


----------



## Pinkyd

Hi ladies   to you Cars must be so hard waiting. Nickim good luck with stage 2, we r in stage 2 and it seems to be flying round. Our home visits r all happening and done our homework so feeling positive and excited. 
Panel mid July and got a nice holibob booked in June so hopefully will be our last as just the two of us. 
Anyone else looking to adopt siblings?
X


----------



## TeenageKicks

*Waves*

Total newbie here!

Suze, 30. Hubby and I dedicated all of last year (build up not withstanding!) to multiple rounds of IVF with didn't work. After some time to ourselves (and to move house!) we've begun researching adoption and are planning to make contact with a nearby local authority this week. Excited and nervous doesn't cover it even thogh I know from my brief reading there's a long way to go yet. 

All information and advice welcome (please!) <3

Is anyone else in the East Midlands? 

Is there any way beyond word of mouth to get to know a local authorities reputation in terms of fostering and adoption? 

Does anyone have any recommended reading (sites or books)?

Thanks all xx


----------



## butterfly15

Hi All,

Been in Barcelona with my sister for her birthday so not had chance to reply, had a lovely time just what I needed.  How are we all?  I am just catching up with everyone.

Mrs D we have been rennovating our house for the past few years, we are pretty much there apart from the kitchen and the nursery.  The kitchen is fine as it is if we were matched now but we don't want to touch the nursery until we know the sex of the child and how old.  It is a blank canvas though, white walls and new carpet so just needs a coat of paint and furniture when the time comes.

HI Nickim no idea how long it will take but while I was away our social worker emailed us the profile of a little girl age 2 and a little girl age 1 (not siblings) and we have shown an interest in both of them, so it's just waiting to see if we.  Good luck with stage two it can be quite emotionally challenging but it will all be worth it.

Welcome TeenageKicks!!  I read loads of books in stage one, Preparing for Adoption is a good one!


----------



## Foxy898

Introductions start for us today!! I'm so scared 😬😬😬😬


----------



## jend0906

Foxy - I was really nervous about starting intros but it was fine. Enjoy, so exciting!


----------



## jend0906

I'm officially from the 2016 thread but not much happening there now and I'm not at the end of the journey yet so thought I'd join you here,, although I have been reading. Will catch up properly later as got SW due anytime now.


----------



## tinkytoes

Hi everyone,

Foxy - OMG!! Please do come back on and tell us how it goes (if you're not too emotionally drained that it is!), nice to hear that most are moving, butterfly that is awesome news, fingers crossed it is a good match.  Welcome newbies, all I would say is read read read and then read some more!  I'm going to update my diary as it has been ages since I've updated it but just to let you know that we go to matching panel in a couple of weeks and intros start end of month for our little beans.  We are so happy and praying we get through matching panel unscathed.


----------



## Foxy898

Well I've now met my daughter for the first time and it was amazing! We spent 2 hours with her today and she did really well, she was happy for us to hold her and was full of smiles! Can't wait for tomorrow where we will get to spend more time with her!xx


----------



## butterfly15

Awww Foxy how lovely!!!!!  I bet you are on top of the world!!!!!!!

My husband and I are I so in love with the one year old girl we just hope her social worker chooses us but it could be a long wait, our social worker said to expect at least two weeks before we receive anything from them to say if we are being considered or not.  The waiting is the hardest part, I would rather they just say yes you are being considered or no you are not.

Hey ho, got to hang in there!


----------



## NicKim

Oh my goodness Foxy, that's so exciting - cuddle time with your daughter, amazing!!

Keeping everything crossed for you Butterfly that they don't keep you waiting too long and this is it for you. I'm guessing the matching part is maybe the hardest bit of the process to get through?

We met our SW yesterday for the first time (first impressions really good) and now have our stage two mapped out with a provisional panel date in early August which seems crazy soon. Today was the first day of our prep course, quite a bit of heavy subject matter... think we'll be exhausted by the weekend!


----------



## Pinkyd

Foxy that's so brill really happy for you, enjoy your time with her, she'll soon be home with u forever xx


----------



## butterfly15

Hi All, how are you getting on??  For us it's just a waiting game, we have shown interest in three seperate little girls all different ages but not heard anything yet.  Our SW said to wait two weeks to see if we get a reply so we will have to wait until the end of the week.

Just out of interest have any of you been on Linkmaker?

xx


----------



## tinkytoes

Hi Butterfly,

We did (think I've already said above) and found our little bundles there.  I really recommend it.  I appreciate it has this thing about it being 'harder to place' children but we looked beyond that and really, our children are not hard to place at all.  

Foxy - you must nearly be through intros by now....hows it been?


We go to MP next week!!!! The last few weeks has been a flurry of getting everything ready that we have been putting off (not wanting to commit to expenditure until as close as possible) but we are getting there.  I am still waiting for things to go pair shaped as that's just how it rolls in our house but no so far so good.  I will feel much better after MP.  Bit nervous.  Unsure what they will ask.

xx


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## butterfly15

Hi Tinkytoes we have shown an interest in two separate little girl s on there one has come back today to say we are too far! The other we are still waiting on a reply. How long did you wait for a reply?

Good luck with matching panel I'm sure you will be just fine I'll be thinking of you!!! Xx


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## DP2004

Hi guys do you mind me joining? We are at the start of our journey and have adoption open day on Saturday - excited but scared! X


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## tinkytoes

Hey DP, good luck for Saturday and for the beginning of your journey  

Butterfly, we didn't wait long, it was a few days.  

We had earlier expressed interest in two children prior to approval at panel (via Linkmaker) and that response was literally overnight.  But we decided not to proceed as hard as that decision was to make but clearly now the right decision. 

We also expressed interest in others and we never heard anything at all.  I'd rather they just said no! My impression is, if it is going somewhere a week or so at the most  but that is only in my experience of course, a whole host of reasons may mean there is a delayed response.  I hope you get that news soon.

Linkmaker gave us control and it helps me to know that in a way we found our children and I hope that will help them when it comes to life story work.    

I am so flippin' excited !!!!!! ha!!!! xx


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## butterfly15

Thanks Tinkytoes some other people on Linkmaker said the same.  If you don't hear within 2 weeks then take it as a no.  We heard from one which was a no as due to us living far away.  The other we haven't heard and its two weeks since we showed an interest.  Then our social worker has now put us forward to one in our area and we have been told that the child's social worker has requested our PAR!!  We have also been told that the court hearing to confirm her placement order is on 1st June so we just have to wait until then to hear if the social worker wants to meet us, apparently they are gathering PARS so they are ready to go as soon as the order comes in.  We are going away for a week on Saturday so that will help with the waiting.

I am getting excited for you!!!!  I can't wait until we are in your situation!!!!  Keep us posted with how things are going.

Welcome DP2001, it is a roller coaster ride but will be all worth it and it's great being able to takk to everyone on here.


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## Cars

Hi all,


So sorry I haven't posted sooner!! We are now having to wait another 28 days for the local authority to lodge a permanence order and then another 28 days to get a court hearing. This has been the longest few weeks of our lives!! I am    that the time goes faster so we can get our wee baby home xxx I only dream about the day we meet her for the first time x we have seen 100s of photos of her from her foster carer but unfortunately nothing since all the legal stuff came in the way. Our SW is going to ask for us to be sent update on her and new photos but nothing yet. 


Foxy- that's amazing!! Hope all is going well xx


Hello everyone else! Glad I have found this thread again. Looking forward to hearing from you all on this amazing but sometimes difficult journey xx


C


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## Foxy898

I hope everyone is ok! Well today we picked up our beautiful baby girl! It was incredibly emotional but it's so good to have her home, she's been tucked up in her cot since 7 pm! I still can't believe it 😊


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## Cars

Foxy ❤😍💕🍼 amazing news x you must be over the moon having her home x


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## tinkytoes

Aw Foxy that's fab, really is.  I'm leaking, I'm so happy for you!  Butterfly, that's great news about the new link!  I think you will know fairly quickly and I'll have everything crossed for you.  

It is now less than a week to go for our MP, the house is upside down, boxes are everywhere, the rooms are still being painted/turned around, the locks need doing on the cupboards and the cup holder for the pram has gone missing (tragedy!!!!).  

We are to buy a build a bear for our wee ones and begin taking pics for the photo album (once the house is sorted!).  These things have to be done by MP.  Argh!!

will keep you posted. x


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## butterfly15

Amazing new Foxy that's wonderful!  How does it feel  I bet you still can't believe it!!!

Ooh Tinkytoes that's a fab idea about the build a bear!!!  They will love them.

Cars you must be so frustrated!! The system sucks sometimes but I will also pray the time goes fast for you and you have your little one home soon!!

We are off to Scotland for the week to relax and try not to think about the adoption for the time being until we hopefully hear about the match when we come back, keeping everything crossed.
xxx


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## MrsD87

Oh foxy, that is amazing. You must be so thrilled. I hope that have an incredible few months getting to know everything about her.

Still waiting on a match here. 5 weeks since approval panel is its early days yet.


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## jend0906

Foxy - amazing news, congratulations!! It's amazing when they are finally home isn't it. My house has been completely taken over by little one but I have never been happier.

Looking forward to everyone being approved, matched and bringing little ones home very soon xx


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## tinkytoes

Hey guys, 

we were approved at matching panel and begin intros next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Over the moooooon!!!!!


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## Foxy898

Ahh congratulations it's so exciting!!! Our lo has been home a week now and she's been absolutely amazing, I'm loving being a mummy even though it's exhausting! We already can't imagine life without her, some things are just meant to be!xx


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## DP2004

Hi all just wanted to say hi - have been following this feed and can see there are lots of positive stories. My OH and I are determining if we think adoption is for us after failed ivf. We are just finding it so hard to make a decision x


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## butterfly15

Hi All just back from a week in Scotland which was so lovely, apart from the news about Manchester of course, so sad.  

I am just catching up with everyone, congratulations tinkytoes I am so pleased for you!!!!!!  Exciting times!!

We have been told that the three separate little girls we were interested in on linkmaker have not opened a discussion with us because we are too far!!!!!  So still a waiting game for us.

Hi DP, it's a roller coaster but worth the ride, we are still waiting for a match but we are excited at the same time.


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## DP2004

That's great butterfly that you guys are doing this - I am sure it will happen soon. Do you mind me asking how long the process has been for you so far? X


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## butterfly15

Hi DP, we started last February and would have gone to panel in September but we took a six month break between stage one and stage two as I started a new job. So we started stage two in December and were approved in March. They say 6 months from start of stage one to panel. Then the hardest part is the waiting for a match. But we know in the end it will all be worth it.  We are lucky we have a fantastic social worker who is in touch with us all the time.

We have been trying for a family for 6 years including IVF. Had all the tests and told nothing wrong with either of us just unexplained infertility so decided to adopt as there are so many children out there who need a loving family. We are so glad we decided to take this route. My husband was a bit unsure at first but now he wouldn't look back.  If I were you I would start the process. You can always stop if you want to and even if you get approved you can decide its not for you. Its a hard process I cant deny it but very rewarding too.  If you don't you will be wondering what if?? Xx


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## DP2004

Thank you - I think you have really backed up everything that I think and I feel like adoption would be great for us and the child - I just know we would make great parents. How did you come to the decision that you thought enough was enough with the ivf? And you you mind me asking how many cycles you had? X


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## Foxy898

We had 4 cycles of ivf 2 of which were cancelled mid way through, for us we knew that if the last one didn't work then we would stop and look into adoption! We had enough of putting our life on hold because of ivf and just wanted to be parents! The adoption process is hard at times but in the end it's been so worth while, our baby girl has been home now for 11 days and we couldn't be happier!!


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## butterfly15

We had one round where we had two eggs put back which failed then we had frozen one put in three months later which failed. We did discuss IVF again but we only get one cycle on the nhs. We could have afforded one ourselves but decided to go down the adoption road to help a child who needs a loving home. Also I felt that if it was meant to happen naturally it would do. I didnt want to go through ivf again. Hope this helps. I have always said even if I had my own children I would like to adopt.


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## Pinkyd

Congrats twinkletoes that's fab news, good luck with intros I'm sure it will v emotional in so many ways but not long before your LO will be home. 
Butterfly the waiting must b so hard but glad you had a lovely break, hoping you get a match soon. 
DP I agree it's worth starting your adoption journey & see how u feel as you can always put it on hold. We started in September and are due to go to panel in July so will be about 9 months. 

Hi to everyone else x


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## DP2004

Thanks everyone - you have really helped me cement in my head that I am not alone and not a failure for maybe not wanting any more treatment - I just feel so much in the minority and like I was giving up too easy but I guess in the grand scheme of things this isn't a second option - it's a great option where you also get to help a child. Eek will have to get our ducks in a row and make a final decision x


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## MrsD87

Hi DP,
We actually were on the route to IVF and decided before we started any treatment that it wasn't the right course of action for us so we cancelled it all and started the adoption process. I guess for us the biggest deciding factor was that we wanted a child as soon as possible and IVF unfortunately, as you know, doesn't always work. We also have an adopted nephew that we are really close with a experiencing the adoption process as a close family member and witnessing the joy that adoption bought to my family made it a much easier decision. 
I would definitely suggest going to the information evening. I think after that you will feel a lot more informed and will be able to make the right choice. The information evening that we went to was a really balanced view on adoption in that its wonderful for parents and children to be able to create new, loving and stable families but equally there are many challenges that you wouldn't necessarily get with a birth child.


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## DP2004

Thanks MrsD - do you mind me asking how old you were when you made that decision? 

We actually have been lucky enough to go to an adoption open evening already - and whilst they waxed lyrical about the negatives we thought the positives outweighed those. We have registered to do the next stage which is the workshops but unfortunately are unable to do those until October as they ask us to have waited until 6 months after treatment. 

I guess what you said about the fact you made decision because you wanted a family quickly is how we feel. I worry that we do another cycle of ivf - it fails- and then we wait another 6 months to then be able to start the adoption process again. So could be another year until we even started process and I am not getting any younger! X


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## LondonHope

Really appreciate everyone sharing their experience here.

DP, we've also decided to stop treatment and to start the adoption process. We're nervous about what lies ahead, but it feels right for us. Feel free to DM me.

Tinkytoes, congratulations! Hope the intros are going great.

Foxy, hope your baby girl is settling in really well.

Best wishes to all x


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## MrsD87

Hi DP,
I was 29 when we started the process and my husband was 34 so still within the age to have the NHS support but for us it was a case of not wanting more grief after the loss of not being able to have our own. I've got such admiration for anyone brave enough to go through fertility treatment. It must take great strength. I guess for us, it was never an if and more of a when we would adopt because even if we'd have had our own, we would have done it later on so it felt like the better choice for us. If I'm honest, I do wonder what would have happened and we may still naturally fall pregnant but if that doesn't happen, thats ok.


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## DP2004

That makes sense - I just feel like getting ourselves into loads of debt to find it just isn't really the right thing. Also because I had a miscarriage last year after treatment I feel like now if we did go through treatment again I will be a quivering wreck of what if something goes wrong. And if something went wrong I don't know if I would forgive myself for pushing it. I just find more reasons to adopt than not to which I guess is a good thing! I guess like you said it doesn't mean you can't go on to have children later on x


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## tinkytoes

Hi guys, will do a proper response later, as I see lots happening, but wanted to let you know that intros really are exhausting! Amazing,  tiring, beautiful and fun, we are in awe of our amazing kids, and having the time of our lives. It's magical. Today we take them out alone. Hell!  Xxxxxx


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## Pinkyd

Twinkletoes sounds so amazing thank you for sharing your experience. Cant wait to be where u r. Hope your trip out by yourselves goes well xx


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## DP2004

So excited for you Twinkletoes - it all sounds so exciting x


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## butterfly15

Hi All,

Tinkytoes how are things going??  Can't wait to hear all about your amazing experience!!!

How is everyone else doing?

Quick update on us, we have shown an interested in one little 3 month old girl however she lives in the same area my husband is from and she has to be placed outside the area for various reasons, however, the family finder for her has asked how often we go there etc and to what extent plus more questions like this.  We have answered them all honestly and they are very interested in us.  They said our PAR was very compelling!!!!  We are just waiting to see the full CPR as we have had some of it but all looks to be ok with her medically and developmentally.  We haven't seen a picture yet either but we will as soon as the CPR is released in full.  Our social worker said if it was a big issue about where she is from it would have been a no straightaway.  Keeping everything crossed that we at least get to see the CPR.  They are still hoping that whoever the choose they will be going to matching panel in JULY!!

I hate to say I have a good feeling about her and I really don't want to jinx anything!!  Trying to keep myself in check and just get through each day one at a time!!!


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## DP2004

That's great news butterfly - I have everything crossed for you - keep us updated! X


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## Pinkyd

All sounds promising butterfly and one day at a time is all you can do so sending positive vibes yr way & keeping it all crossed. 
Hope everyone else is doing ok x


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## MrsD87

Hi Butterfly, thats so exciting! Did you find her on link maker? Our social worker was very resistant to us signing up to link maker because they want us to have a local child but in her last phone call to us, she said that we could have a wait...so i've registered and im feeling very naughty! It has to be approved by our LA before we can get access to any of the information so she will probably find out but it helps with the waiting at least!


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## butterfly15

Thank you all for your support I really appreciate your encoyraging words.

MrsD we signed up straightaway but I must warn you some of the situations on there are heart wrenching. We have shown interest in three separate little girls all of whuch were rejected due to being in another part of the country. Our SW did warn us link maker is for harder to place children but I have heard alot of positive stories. I try not to check everyday probably twice a week. Keep us posted. 

Xx


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## MrsD87

Thank you for the advice lovely. Are there photos on there? What would be classed as more difficult to place? x


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## butterfly15

Most children have a photo but there are some that dont depending on their circumstances.

More difficult to place are older children, sibling groups and children with medical issues but sayoing that it depends what children you are looking for. There are adopters out there for every child every situation so what might be complex to one might not be for another.

Let me know how you get on xx


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## MrsD87

Oh my Butterfly, I see what you mean. I want them all!!


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## butterfly15

Its really hard MrsD how are you getting on with it? We are not showing interest in any on there at thr moment. Xx


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## kmj88

Hi everyone - I'm new to this page although certainly not new to the site!
I have a dilemma which I was hoping for some support with - we have a birth son who is coming up for 6 and have just been linked with a little girl of 2years. When speaking to my DS last night about adopting a little girl (it wasn't the first time we've talked about adoption and siblings) he was not happy at all - "why would you want to ruin my life?!" I think were his exact words!!
I know it's probably a natural reaction for an only child of almost 6 years to not want to have to share Mummy and Daddy. When I probed about the life ruining element it did appear to be around sharing toys and his bathroom (can you believe it)!! 
I'm reaching out to anyone that has adopted when already having a birth child of a similar age to see what the experience was like. I'm not naïve enough to think it will be all rosey but I really need to hear some 'true-life' experiences - HELP?!
Many thanks from a rather wobbly KMJ xx


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## butterfly15

Hi All,

Welcome kmj88, I don't have much advice with this one as I don't have any children of my own.  Like you say, it's probably the reality that  he will have share you both.  Perhaps try and talk to him about it again and see what he says.

Just an update on us, we have been matched with a beautiful baby girl!!!!  I can't believe it!!  Matching panel is in July!  We are both in shock! Fingers crossed for a smooth ride until then.  Any advice for meetings and preparation etc??

How is everyone else doing? xx


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## itsonlybridge

Hi everyone, haven't been on for a while but just having a read of your updates. so much has been happening for you all! Congrats to you guys who have been matched and lo's that have already come home  

We had our last home study session with sw today so that's the end of stage 2 complete for us, just got to wait for panel now which is beginning of August. So glad the craziness of the last few months with write ups and weekly visits is over, but at the same time, we feel like we have been in therapy and have come out the other side refreshed and reflective having learnt more about ourselves. One thing has been confirmed and that's the strength of our relationship and we can safely say we are both on the same wave length with regard to adoption decisions so all good   

We have already been asked about 2 separate Lo's 4 months and 7 months but we didn't feel they would fit with us at all for various reasons so it had to be a no. Our sw is sending us a profile of 3 siblings which has made us gulp! We are pretty sure 3 would be too much for us to take on but we didn't want to rule it out without having a peek   

Really hope we find our match sooner rather than later and sw feels confident we wont be waiting too long so fingers  crossed! 

Hope you are all ok and having a good week ladies xxx


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## DP2004

So exciting no butterfly! Do you know much about the lo that you have been matched with? X


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## butterfly15

Hi DP, yes you get a full CPR to read if the baby's SW is interested then yo decide if you want to proceed!! Had a meeting with our SW this morning!  We are very lucky we have a fantastic SW.  Next step is meeting the baby's SW next week eeek! xx


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## DP2004

That's so exciting and so fast! So if all goes well with the SW do you know roughly next steps and timescales? I am so excited for you guys x


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## MrsD87

Hi everyone, we've had some pretty devastating news this last week and are struggling to know how to process it. A member of our immediate family has had 3 allegations of rape made against him by an ex partner. At this point, we know that he has to go before a magistrate to give a plea and then it may go to crown court. My DH and I were concerned about what the implications are for our adoption if he is found guilty and so made the decision to contact our social worker. She sought some advice and called me to let me know that even if he is now found to be innocent of the charges, he is forbidden from having any contact with our child until the age of 18. This was definitely unexpected and we can totally see why this would be the case but the damage that it will do to the family will be massive. Already they are very angry and challenging us on why we are allowing this to happen. We explained that as in order to be matched, we will have to sign a legal agreement that no contact will be allowed and if we are found to be in breach of that, then they will get the safeguarding team involved. This still has not stopped their frustration over us not pushing for a different outcome. Its vile. We are going to lose out on many family celebrations because of this. The family member lives with my DH parents and so that makes time spent there difficult. I'm not asking for advice on this because I genuinely don't think that there is anything that can be done to improve the situation, its just a case of making adjustments to our idea of what the future will look like and trying to get our heads around it. The social worker wants to come and visit us to chat things through further in the next few weeks but...it's bad.


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## Pinkyd

MrsD just wanted to express how sorry I am for you all what an awful situation for the whole family. You have done the right thing in telling your SW so you should be proud of yourselves for that. It does seem like a harsh plan if the person is found not guilty and perhaps one that you can challenge further. At the end of the day you will be your children's parents & will decide what is safe for them & who you trust. If found innocent then surely that means innocent & therefore no threat, particularly as the alleged offence is not against children. Anyway just wanted to send you    
Bridget, exciting that you are already in discussions about possible matches. We have panel mid July but not had any conversations from our SW on any potentials thus far. 
Everyone else good to hear your updates wishing you all well. 
Xx


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## itsonlybridge

MrsD What an awful situation. I just wanted to send you a big hug and really hope the situation improves   xx

PinkyD It has been exciting and interesting to view potential matches, albeit they weren't really very 'potential' in the end! It has helped us confirm what we truly can't deal with though and although it will narrow our options, we are happy to wait as long as it takes for the right lo. 

Butterfly - that's amazing news! have you hard any more? xx


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## butterfly15

Morning everyonr just catching up with you all.

MrsD what a terrible situationn you have been put in after coming this far and through no fault of your own. Have you heard any more since your post?? Sending big hugs!!!

Quick update on us we met the babys social worker on Tuesday and its all systems go now. All the paper work has to be submitted by next friday 30th for us to go to panel in July so keeping everything crossed. 
We meet her foster carer on 3rd July. Very excited.

We never for one minute thiught it would happen this quickly so hang in there everyone its worth the wait xxx


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## DP2004

Hi butterfly do you mind me asking how long the process has taken? X


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## butterfly15

Hi DP, 16 months from start to matching stage but we took a 6 month break between stage one and two as I started a new job.


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## Pinkyd

Butterfly that's great news sooo exciting  
We get back from our hols in kefalonia tomorrow having had what we hope is our last trip just the two of us. Panel to look forward to now  
X


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## butterfly15

Thanks Pinkyd but I am just taking a day at a time, I know something could happen at any point before panel. What date is your panel date?  We have to have all the forms in by Friday to go to July panel but we are still waiting for two to be emailed to us to sign so I am really panicking in case we miss the Friday deadline, I will be on it tomorrow that's for sure, fingers crossed everything is submitted in time.

xxx


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## MrsD87

Thank you for the lovely replies guys. Its been a really tough few weeks. Unfortunately this is a bit of a dead end situation because there is nothing that we can do to change what is being asked of us and we just have to move forward and make changes.
In other news, we have just expressed interest in a little girl on link maker. Apparently there is a lot of interest in her and we are a significant distance away from her, which may not go in our favour but...i'm trying really hard not to get excited. When I mentioned this to our social worker, she said that they also have a potential match for us but she's not yet ready to be adopted legally...man...emotional rollercoaster!!


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## butterfly15

Hang in there MrsD we were in the same situation regarding interest. Our social worker put us forward but LO hadn't had the placement order confirmed but it was confirmed on 1st june and now we are preparing for matching panel in july. Keeping everything crossed xxx


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## MrsD87

Hi butterfly,
I spoke with the LO's social worker this afternoon. She said that they are looking to place further afield for safety reasons. She said they had 21 couples express interest but that we have been short listed to the top 3! We are getting the CPR next week. I feel a real connection with her photos, its so weird. Never expected to feel this way!


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## loopylulu888

Hiya everyone, 
Hope you don't mind me jumping in but here seems to be the most active. 
My hubby and I have decided, after much thought that we would like to adopt. We are pretty new to the whole adoption scene so are lacking a bit of information.

Our situation :
Me: 26
Hubby:28
Our little boy : 3, conceived via ICSI in 2013, born in 2014.
We are wanting to extend our family by 1 little one in age range 0-2years with the reasoning for this age group being that my son is asking repeatedly for a little brother or sister so we would like him to keep his status in the family of big brother and also because I'm craving another little one. Not fussy for boy or girl. 
We have our own home, with atm 2 spare bedrooms. Hubby is in full time employment with Gov and I'm part time 24hr in retail. 
Medically, Hubby is on a small dose of anti depressants after having a difficult time dealing with redundancy last year however has since found a new job but is yet to come of anti depressants otherwise is fit and healthy. Me, well I was on anti depressants last year mainly to help lift me out of a rut with anxiety but have since come off them. I'm a little overweight too bit hey ho.. I just need to sew my mouth or avoid the route to work that passes McDonald's. 
Financially we are pretty stable. We have about £2000 on credit card which we just uses for installing a new boiler and hopefully will have paid off Jan /Feb time 2018.

I'm just wondering if any of this, in particularly the anti depressants and the fact we are looking for 0-2yo, would hinder any chances of going forward with adoption.

I'm also wanting a bit of advice on what the next steps for us should be. There is a lot of chat on LA vs VA and I'm not really sure what the whole thing means. Pros and cons etc of both. As of yet apart from a brief email of to Edinburgh Council asking for a bit more information we haven't contacted anyone. We stay in Fife so are looking at surrounding areas eg Edinburgh / Dundee /Perth sort of areas. Is that right or should I be looking further afield!?

Other questions I guess I have are :
Just how invasive is the process?

What other things do they look into?

I'm really crap with words.. Not usually very talkative in person to strangers...ie SW. Could this hinder me? I'm quite short and to the point of answering questions and this is worrying me.

Prep. What does it entail and how long does it last?

Home study - what does it entail and how long does it last?

Matching - how are you matched?

Panel- what does it entail?

Would really appreciate any advice you can give me. Wishing you all the best of luck on your journeys. 
Tia 
Lu & D 
X
​


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## MrsD87

Hi loopylulu!
If you havent already then I would recommend going to a LA adoption information evening. They will talk you through the process and be able to answer any questions that you might have. 
Usually when you adopt, social services would want that adopted child to be the youngest in the family (in my experience, it might be wrong). 
You guys actually sound quite a lot like us. My husband is on anti depressants and I have had various things for anxiety. The social workers view on it was that when it was necessary, we decided to seek help rather than suffer alone and its seen as a strength rather than a concern. They will want to know how you cope with stress and what your support network is like should things get difficult for you. 
Finances wise they want to be able to see that you have enough to provide for a child and no out of control debts. We have a bit of debt - more than you so they just wanted to see statements and proof that it was all being paid off properly and that there were no concerns with how we were spending money. 
We decided to go through our local authority to adopt because there are quite a lot of children needing to be placed in our area. We never considered using anyone else so I cant advise on that really. Initially ss will look to place a local child with you but there is a website called link maker which is a national database of children who are looking for homes. These tend to be more difficult to place children ie sibling groups, disabilities, or older in age. You can get access to this once you are an approved adopter. 

The process is pretty invasive. They will want to know about all of the significant events of your life from birth until now. They will want to know everything significant that has happened to you and has created the people that you are now. For me, it was things like my parents divorce, previous relationships, how I was parented, relationships with family and friends. Its a really good look at your life and how you function. As well as this you will need to have a medical, CRB checks, 3 references each (4 of whom will be interviewed) they will contact your previous employers, look at your finances and talk to you together and alone. They want to make especially sure that the little one that they placed with you is going to be safe and well looked after so be prepared to be very honest. 

I definitely feel like we felt comfortable with our social worker and that meant that we talked about things that we'd never talked to anyone else about. Hopefully, if you have a good social worker then they will know what to say to you to get the information that they need so I wouldnt worry about not being talkative, just relax and answer as best you can. 

Prep group was a week long and we met from 9am till 4pm. It covers lots of issues relating to adoption and the things that the children who need placing may have experienced. It talks about post box contact, attachment difficulties, life story work, foetal alcohol syndrome and gives you lots of tips on how to parent an adopted child. 

Home study is the meetings in your home with the social worker and that doesnt have a set length of time. We met with our social worker for 3 hours once a week but if you can do full days then it wont take as long. They say that stage two (which is the home study bit) takes 4 months, but ours was longer.

Matching is a really indepth process and I dont really know how its done but its pretty magic. They match based on looks, family, likes, dislikes....loads of stuff. Again, they will go through that with you at an info evening. 

After you have completed your home study, the social worker will write a report on all the info that you have given and then you will go to a panel meeting which is a board of professionals who has all read your report and they will ask you questions on it. They then make the decision on the day whether or not to approve you to adopt a child. If you get a yes, then the search begins for your little one. 

If you have any more questions, do pop them below! These are a lovely bunch


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## butterfly15

Ah MrsD thats great news keeping everything crossed for you please keep us posted!!! 

Welcome loopylulu I agree with everything MrsD has said about the process. If I was you I would contact your local LA and see when their next information evening is and go along. They will be able to answer any questions you may have that hasn't been answered already. And you will get a feel if it's for you.

We meet our baby's foster carer on Monday!!!! Got lot's of questions for her.


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## itsonlybridge

Welcome looplulu, I too agree with all Mrs D has said, that is pretty much everything covered and although it sounds an awful lot, it is spread out over a 6 month ish period which I found helpful as the time allowed for the things we learnt to be processed. Our views on certain things have also been altered throughout the process as we have gained a deeper understanding of adoption and the needs of looked after children. The training courses are very helpful and it is also nice to meet with other people going through the same. All of the questions we had were answered throughout the course without us having to actually ask them.

We did feel a bit under pressure with the home study as our meetings were weekly and we had to write up answers to specific questions with examples and explanations which took some time. It has however been quite therapeutic taking a look at our lives in this way.

There were 2 couples on our training course who already had children, and from what I understand, they require a specific number of years between the children, I think (don't quote me) that they like a 2 year gap between the youngest child in your family and the adopted child.

We are just waiting to go to panel now for our approval and our sw is already family finding for us.

Wishing you all the best with your journey. 

Butterfly - what an exciting day for you, how did you get on? 

Hope everyone else is ok xxx


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## MrsD87

Hi everyone! We are getting the CPR for a potential match tomorrow. Had to wait since Thursday and i'm super excited! They are querying FAS - does anyone have any experience of this? Through conversations with our social worker and the prep course it seems fairly common for adopted children?


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## butterfly15

Hi All,

Wow!! Met LO foster carers yesterday what a lovely couple they are. Everything went reslly well so all confirmed for panel on 18th July!!!

Super excited!! We saw more pictures andd videos of her. Having only seen two photos it was nice to see the video's which made it very real for us. So off we went to IKEA.

Ooooh MrsD thats good news. I dont know much about FAS only what we heard in the sessions. Have a good read of the CPR that should give you lots of info.

Hey Bridget when do you go to panel?

Xx


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## DP2004

That's exciting butterfly! So have you been given an indication of after panel what happens if successful (or when should I say!) x


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## butterfly15

Hi DP, if all goes well at panel we jusy wait 7-10 days for the notification letter confirming then we start introductions!! Just can't think past panel. We have bought a few bits. 

How are you doing?


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## itsonlybridge

Hi Butterfly, that's such exciting news! Have you been able to keep some of the photo's so you can keep having a little peek?  

Our panel date is not til 9th August but as our PAR is complete our sw is trying to get us an earlier slot in July.

We went to a siblings training evening on Monday which was informative but we didn't really learn anything we hadn't already gone through in our initial training. There was a foster carer on the course who fosters a lot of sibling groups so speaking to him was really useful and insightful. We are on another course this evening of foster for adoption which we hope to get more out of as we have a few questions on this one. 

Quite a tiring week with being up at 5.30am for work, in court with some legal cases at work and these 2 courses til 9.30pm followed by an hours drive home. However I keep telling myself it's good practise for the tiredness that becoming a parent will bring lol  

Happy hump day everyone xxxxx


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## DP2004

butterfly15 said:


> Hi DP, if all goes well at panel we jusy wait 7-10 days for the notification letter confirming then we start introductions!! Just can't think past panel. We have bought a few bits.
> 
> How are you doing?


That's great! Yeah I think take one step at a time and overcome each hurdle as it comes - sounds like all is going so well for you guys though. Have you stated a preference for child's age and if you will accept siblings?

I am good thanks - on hol at the moment so has been a welcome break. OH and I have chatted a lot and both can see we are leaning towards the adoption route but a little scared to 100% commit. We have a little while until the next training sesh which is in October so we just going to mull all through. We had a bit of a revelation today while we were watching all of the kids and parents in the pool - in that we don't know if any of them are adopted. Sounds silly but I think we had assumed people would know we weren't the child's natural parents and that we would stick out like a sore thumb x

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## Kikiw

hi everyone I dipped my toe on this board early on, so reading how far everyone has come on is really encouraging.  just after some support really background we started process in May 2016 but didn't pass stage 1 until December ! Husband had to have an operation show recovered went to panel in April got a yes, ratified Mid May. Then had one profile of 6 month old boy competitive link which we lost out on and then nothing starting to feel like it might not happen, does anyone else feel that the part after approval/ the waiting is actually worse ? we havent joined linkmaker yet will be doing in August. Sorry about the me post just having a bit of a wobble. have a great Thursday xx


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## itsonlybridge

Hi guys

We went to another training course last night on 'fostering for adoption'. Although it comes with more of a risk than the normal adoption route, I think we have decided that this is the path for us. We feel keen to have a young baby to bond with and the 'fostering for adoption' process has come on in leaps and bounds recently within our district making risk of a LO being returned to BF very slight. Like with any situation, weighing up the situation before committing to it will be key as well as going into it with the right frame of mind and support.

We haven't heard anymore about the relinquished baby due to be born in the next couple of months but last night we met an adoptive mum of 3 who was looking to adopt number 4! All of her LO's were relinquished which astonished me given that we have always been told that relinquishment is rare these days. Even relinquished LO's come with risks as the BM has 6 weeks to change her mind and if she does, the LO has to be returned within 2 weeks. 

So much to think about but very exciting times. I am getting impatient for panel but likewise I am dreading the 'wait' afterwards! Wishing you all a speedy match with your future LO's xxxxxx


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## MrsD87

Hi kiwi,
We are at the same point as you and are currently in a competitive link with 2 other couples. All I can say is try your very best to hang on in there. It is a long and agonising process but it will be absolutely worth it in the end. Waiting for the right match is better than settling for a fast match. I completely relate to how you are feeling - its the most frustrating thing but keep going. Have you thought about registering on link maker?

I was wondering guys whether anyone has used link maker to find a match? We sent out PAR to the LO social worker on Tuesday but as yet have not had any feedback. Does it take a while normally? There are two other couples that are interested in her too x


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## butterfly15

Hi All, how are you all doing?  Just trying to catch up with all the posts from the past week.

Hi Bridget how are you feeling?  Sounds like very long days for you at the moment.  We have got some pictures of our LO and do keep having a sneak every now and then, we have some on the fridge too!

DP hope you had a nice holiday!

Welcome Kiwi, hang in there, the waiting for a match is by far the hardest part we found.  We were on Linkmaker and did show interest on three separate children on there but nothing came of any of them as they like to place them within their area unless there is some reason why they need to be placed outside the area.  That's not to say it won't happen on there, some people have had a good experience of it so give it a go.

MrsD I see you are on Linkmaker, unfortunately not many social workers reply, we had an interest in two separate girls and waited two weeks for a reply on one and didn't get a reply at all from the other.  It's a bit hit and miss but I found it was a way for me to be in control of some searching which made me feel like I was being proactive.  Don't give up.  Our social worker said to wait two weeks and if no reply send another email as sometimes they get inundated with interest.

One week until matching panel for us! Eeeek!!


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## DP2004

Holiday was good thank you! Now back to reality! Have our appointment with the NHS next week which we have waited 4 months for to discuss if treatment is even an option. We see it as the final decision at this point and will tell us which path to take. Excited but terrified for a number of reasons! X


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## Pinkyd

Hi everyone. Just to let you know we got a unanimous yes at panel today. Over the moon. We have been shown a PAR of two little girls that we are interested in so waiting for more information now which is sooo exciting. 
Welcome to the newer people & hello to everyone. 
For those contemplating this journey I can honestly say it's been amazing in so many ways, hard of course but so glad to have reached this milestone x


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## butterfly15

Congratulations Pinkyd that's wonderful news!!!!  Keep us posted!!!


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## DP2004

Congratulations! X


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## itsonlybridge

Congratulations PinkyD that's wonderful news!    

Butterfly not long til panel for you now, the time must be dragging for you but how lovely to have the pics of LO to look at and keep you going    

I know everyone has said the bit waiting for panel and being matched can feel a very long wait so I was preparing for it but some days I wonder if it really happening or if I dreamt it all lol    Our sw says this is the exciting part now!  Hopefully we will hear something soon.

Hello to everyone else, hope you are all ok xxx


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## Foxy898

We were matched really quickly but I found the wait for matching panel and intros really hard as I felt I was missing time with my lo, but looking back it wasn't actually that long and it gave us chance to get organised and get all the little jobs in the house finished and it's a good job we did as since she's been home there has been no time at all lol. Congratulations to all those who've got a yes at panel and been matched and to everyone else hang in there as it's so worth it xxx


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## butterfly15

Evening All,

Hey Bridget, I found the waiting between being approved and being matched really tough but luckily we had things already planned in, trip to Scotland, Barcelona etc that had been booked for ages.  Then we were matched.  The longest part has been the past two weeks since meeting with her foster carers last week and panel next week!  We received our panel questions today so we know what we are going to be asked on the day, not all LA's do this and we didn't get this for approval panel.  We are glad as it will hopefully ease some of the nerves on the day as we can prepare our answers.  I am still expecting things to go wrong, I just need to get to Tuesday now, but we are going to paint the nursery this weekend which will be nice.

Hey Foxy, we are doing the same at the moment, getting little jobs done etc.  HOw are things going??

xxxx


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## Foxy898

Things are going great thanks! She's been home 8 weeks today and has settled so well, we love her to bits already! it's been a long hard road to get here with various rounds of ivf and the adoption process but I'm convinced some things are meant to be and I couldn't be happier xx


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## butterfly15

Ah wonderful!  Remind me how old she was when she came to you.  Are you taking a year off? xx


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## Foxy898

She was 10 months when she came to us so has just had her 1st birthday which was lovely! I'm taking off as long as I need to, i was self employed but we can manage on my husbands wage for a while, I want to enjoy every minute xx


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## Pinkyd

Ah Foxy that's so amazing, so glad yr all settled & in love. And having her 1st birthday with you must have been the cherry on top. 
Hugs to all those of us waiting in one way or another x


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## itsonlybridge

Aaaaah that's lovely Foxy, so happy for you and it gives us all hope that our time is not too much further away and will be worth all the waiting.

Butterfly I can't wait to paint the nursery for our LO when we find a match, I am busying myself reading up on sleeping strategies and tips and tricks that I know will totally go out of the window when our LO arrives but I'm hoping it might come in handy to draw on one 3am morning when I'm exhausted and clueless lol.

Have a lovely weekend everyone xxxxx


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## butterfly15

Hi Bridget, we just finished painting the nursery today!  Panel on Tuesday and I am feeling physically sick with nerves, just want to get Tuesday over with.

I am taking a year off Foxy, I cannot wait!

Fingers crossed for us for Tuesday, I will be a nervous wreck!


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## butterfly15

Hi all,

We got a unanimous yes at matching panel and we meet our little girl on 31st July!!!!!!


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## Foxy898

Congratulations butterfly! It's an amazing feeling isn't it? How long are your intros? We did 10 days and it was exhausting both physically and emotionally, but was really worth it ☺


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## butterfly15

Thanks Foxy I'm so relieved feel like we can start enjoying it now. We start a week of intros on 31st July!!! Xx


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## DP2004

Yay congrats butterfly! That's great news! X


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## butterfly15

Morning everyone one how are we all? Last day in work for me today and my sister has planned a baby shower for tomorrow. Feeling very overwhelmed as I never thought we would get to this stage. We also got our introduction timetable through all very exciting and suddenly very real! 

Hope you are all ok have a lovely weekend!! Xx


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## Pinkyd

Hi Butterfly
Wow how amazing so happy for you. Enjoy yr last day at work and the baby shower how fab. 
Hi everyone else. Like some of you we can't wait to decorate either. Looked at some amazing wallpaper & curtains in John Lewis. Everything from pooh, Beatrice potter, jemima puddle duck, to princess castles & fairies 💜 X


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## itsonlybridge

Morning everyone

Oh Butterfly that's wonderful news, I bet you cannot wait for next week to come around! How old is your LO? How exciting  
How much notice did you have to give work before leaving?

Hope everyone has had a nice weekend, 2 weeks on Wednesday til approval panel for us eeek! xxxx


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## butterfly15

Thanks everyone. Had a lovely baby shower our little girl has been very spoilt already!! I now have a week to get sorted before intro's start next monday!! 

Bridget she is 5 months old but she turns 6 months during intro week. I told work once we were approved so they were prepared and I had to give 28 days notice once matched. So I had to tell them before matching panel which I was worried about in case it all fell through.

How is everyine else getying on? Xx


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you Butterfly, that's really helpful. We are also being approved for foster to adopt and the placements can be very fast so I'm not sure how that is going to pan out yet! 

How wonderful, a beautiful 6 month old baby girl will soon be tucked up at home wither her forever family   I'm so happy for you. Can't wait to hear that you have met her.. I bet you wont sleep the night before! xxx


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## MrsD87

That's such wonderful news butterfly. Im so happy for you. No news here...not a peep. We considered a little girl on link maker but that didnt work out. Just feel so sad about it all at the moment. Generally im managing ok but can be tearful at times...Its just so frustrating. One by one, our prep group are being matched but we havent even seen any profiles yet. I know thats because we are holding out for a girl but...man it sucks.


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## itsonlybridge

MrsD we are holding out for a little girls too so we may be in the same position when we are approved. It will all be worth it when it happens, it's just frustrating not knowing when that may be! Hang on in there and try and make the most of this time to do the things you won't be able to do so much when LO arrives  xxx


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## bulmer

MrsD and Itsonlybridget - we hung on for girls and watched everyone from our group getting matched way ahead of us, but they came along in the end and the wait was worth it. Hang in there it will happen x


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## butterfly15

Hang in there MrsD it will happen. We wanted a girl too we were just lucky but it will happen. Its hard to keep positive I know.  Once it happens it will be worth the wait. We look back now at other profiles we considered and can see why they werent right for us. Hang in there xx


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you Bulmer and Butterfly... You'd think we would be pro's at being patient and waiting by now but it still gets you doesn't it! 

I am a huge believe that our journeys are already mapped out and what will be, will be.. what is meant for you, won't pass you by. We just have to have trust in that and stay positive  

One of the couples from our adoption training is at panel on the same date and we haven't seen them since March, so that will be nice to catch up. It's been lovely how we have kept in touch with quite a few from our group and I have a feeling they will play a part in ours and our childrens lives in the future. It is a very exciting time even if it does feel very frustrating right now! xxxxx


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## butterfly15

Absolutely Bridget. I believe that too. Had we not taken a 6 month break between stage one and stage two we wouldn't have been matched with this little one. Things happen for a reason. Stay positive hun. Xx


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## TeenageKicks

Any East Midlands folks?

We're in Stage 1 - 2 training days left and neck high in paperwork!

It's all very nerve-wracking and exciting at the same time. I feel like as long as we keep things plodding along all will go well, but it's am emotional roller coaster for sure 

Our next meeting is in 5 weeks and all being well we go into stage 2 then. 

I am terrible at keeping up with boards but if anyone (East Midlands or not!) is at a similar process and sees this and fancies dropping us a Hi in DMs that would be great <3


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## butterfly15

Welcome teenage kicks don't be nervous. It's one hell of a roller coaster but it will be worth it in the end.

How is everyone else? We are travelling to our accommodation this afternoon as our little one is out of our area and we meet her tomorrow for the first time for a week of intros before moving in with us next weekend!!!! So excited to meet her.  Her LA are putting us up in a cottage for a week! It does have WiFi so I'll try and keep you posted.


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## butterfly15

Hi all just a quick one from me. We met our daughter today and we are so in love with her. She is adorable!! We honestly can't believe it!!


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## Foxy898

Ahh congratulations butterfly! it's such an amazing feeling isn't it? Our lo has been home just over 10 weeks and it's been amazing, it's like she's always been here! Was definitely worth all the stress xx


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## Pinkyd

Hey Butterfly that's so amazing 😍 So very happy for you. Wow next weekend you'll be taking her home, that's just so brill. 
Hi everyone else. being patient is so very hard. Fingers & toes crossed for us all xx


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## itsonlybridge

Oh wow butterfly, your LO must be home now and I expect you guys are exhausted after this week. How has it been? So chuffed for you all  

Welcome teenage kicks, I think everyone feels nervous and a bit uncertain during the first stage but the process is actually really helpful. You'll start to process new things and change the way you think about some things. For us it was a great learning journey and helped us to feel 100% that this is the right thing for us. The meetings can feel a little pressurised mainly because of all the paperwork and writing but it's also quite therapeutic too. We were amazed at how great our lives actually are written down lol.. We are at the end of stage 2 now and go to panel on Wednesday which has felt a long time coming at times, but it's actually gone really quickly overall. Try and just go with the flow and read as much as you can   

Hope everyone else is ok, the nerves are kicking in for panel now! Eeeek!   xxx


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## Pinkyd

Hey itsonlybridget good luck for panel, it's nerve racking there's no denying it but you'll be elated when u get the YES. 
I agree about the process it can open up lots of different ways of thinking & we found it very positive. 
Foxy thinking of u cant wait to hear all it xx


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## Pinkyd

Sorry meant butterfly. But hi to Foxy too can't wait to be in your position and have our LO's home xx


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## itsonlybridge

We got a yes at approval panel today!!   I was a bag of nerves all morning and we arrived an hour early so sat at Costa biting our nails and then they were half an hour late calling us in so I was physically shaking by the time we got in there. I felt sick as they started asking the questions but it went quite quickly and I managed to pull myself together! Then we had another wait whilst they spoke to our sw and eventually came out to announce our approval phew!!! To be honest I was trying to prepare myself for a no just in case so I felt a bit numb when they said yes! Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions in a short space of time!

Everyone keeps asking if we are out celebrating but we feel so mentally exhausted and I've got a headache now so we are just having a total chill out on the sofa   

Very happy to finally have our approval so we can move on to family finding.. So now more waiting! Lol 

Hope you are all ok today xxx


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## Foxy898

Congratulations itsonlybridget!!! It's such an amazing feeling getting approved! I was exactly the same before panel and I don't usually get nervous, I was much more relaxed at matching panel. Hope u get matched really soon xx


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you Foxy   I don't usually get nervous either and I was fine up until this morning! I think I'll be ok at matching panel now I know what to expect.... Hopefully! Lol  How are things going with you LO? Xx


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## Foxy898

Really well, she been home 12 weeks this week and it's been the most amazing time, we have bonded really well as a family and extended family love her to bits too!! We have our final review next week then our application is going in to court, can't wait until she's officially ours and no more social workers lol xx


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## Wishings15

A massive congratulations itsonlybridget- I followed your diary for a while when I was looking into adoption! 

Your such a strong women, and it's so nice to hear that you will be giving a child a loving home xx


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## Pinkyd

Congratulations itsonlybridget so pleased for you. Xx


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you guys, really appreciate the support and kind words.

Foxy, that's so lovely to hear as I am feeling anxious about how we will feel when it finally happens! xxx


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## Foxy898

Before we did introductions I kept saying to everyone that I was worried she wouldn't like me or that we wouldn't bond and on the first morning I felt like I was going to throw up I was that nervous! i know it's easier said than done but try not to worry too much xx


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## butterfly15

Hi all sorry I haven't been on recently our baby girl moved in on Sunday and it's been wonderful. Intros last week went really well. She is a dream we are totally in love. She is a little unsettled at night but good as gold during the day. 

Congratulations itsonlybridget that's fantastic!!!! 

A www pinky amazing that you can apply to the court now!! 

How is everyone else? Xx


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## butterfly15

Sorry I meant congratulations Foxy you can now apply to the courts! I'm so tired haha xx


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## Foxy898

Ha ha I remember that first week well!  we were so tired and emotionally drained! We have been lucky as lo is a good sleeper at night and we've not had any issues but it's still very tiring the first few weeks. We can't wait to get everything legal now, we don't Foresee any issues but you never know xx


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## butterfly15

Hi all just wanted to check in with you and see how uou are getying on.

Our little girl has been eith us two weeks this is the start of our third week and we are in a good routine. I am loving every minute. She is cheeky but happy! 

Please update me on how you are all doing would love to catch up! Xx


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## jend0906

Hi all, thought it was time for a catch up!! So much to catch up!! Congratulations to those approved and matched since my last visit, so many of you.
Huge congratulations to those of you with lo's moving home, it's amazing isn't it?

Afm - my girl has been home now for almost 7 months and life is just amazing. Don't get me wrong it's so hard and tiring, especially as a single parent but there are few issues. She is a very placid lg and very happy, we have bonded incredibly well and it is everything I wished for!

Application for an AO has been filed at court and SW's have submitted their reports so just waiting for a final hearing date. Hopefully we're almost there!!


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## Pinkyd

Butterfly so pleased for you it sounds amazing can't wait to be where u are. We have a meeting with our potential match's SW today so hoping it goes well. 
Hi to everyone else it's so good to hear from those that have their LO's home. 
Jend fingers crossed u get a date through soon xx


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## jend0906

PinkyD good luck for today, sure it will be fine x


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## MrsD87

Hi guys,
I could do with a bit of cheering up. We were approved in april and there are no children on the horizon for us. We are having an absolute nightmare with my in law family at the moment and without going into detail, there could be a break down in relationships on the horizon. Im starting to question if we are doing the right thing. It sounds so unbelievably selfish but i'm jealous of my friends and family who don't have to worry about how their babies will be affected by the things that adopted kids are affected by. Im scared of the unknown. Im scared of not being able to manage behaviours and living an unhappy life because of that. Im in a ******** group for adopters who are managing some horrendous situations with their kids and its really freaked me out. Is this the norm? I know we need to be prepared but I dont know if im just seeing only the bad stuff right now. I think im just really stressed with the family stuff and sad because we are still waiting...maybe its clouding my judgement.


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## Pinkyd

Mrsd just wanted to send hugs, sounds like u r having a tough time at the moment. I can say that I've had doubts too, I think it's only natural as the unknown is a scary thing. Forums r good don't get me wrong but sometimes they can be weighted with  negative stories rather than positive ones. Perhaps positive stories don't make it online as often as they don't feel the need for the support as much. I guess u can only assess each situation as it faces u & try not to worry too much about the what ifs. I know my friend that has adopted siblings that had a really tough start has had a really hard journey but nearly a year on things r so much better. Behaviours that were there at the start are very rare now. 
Hope things improve soon for u xx


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## butterfly15

Hi All,

I'm just catching up with everyone, it's been a crazy but wonderful four weeks!  Very busy and full on, but really enjoying every minute.

Pinkyd how did you get on with your meeting??

Great news Jend glad you are enjoying it!!!!  Our little girl has also bonded very well, we have our one month review tomorrow.

MrsD, I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough time at the moment.  First of all, just try and deal with one thing at a time.  The break up in relationship, does that affect you and your adoption journey?  I am just asking as I just want to try and help if I can.  If it doesn't then you should carry on with your journey. You have come this far.  As for the situations adoptive children have to deal with, you will get help with all of that.  We have all had these thoughts but trust me, once you are matched you will be prepared to deal with all those things, plus, you might not even have any issues to deal with.  Some people who have their own children have things to deal with too.  What you are doing is an amazing thing.  I think you are mixing what is going on with your family and the adoption, but they are two different things. It's perfectly normal to have some doubts and worries we all have, but that would come with any child, birth or adopted.  There are a lot of negative stories out there but there are also plenty of positive stories too!!!

Try not to be hard on yourself and deal with one thing at a time.  Please don't give up on finding your match, it will all be worth it I promise!  Please keep us posted xxxxx


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## itsonlybridge

Hi Ladies

***rant alert** I am feeling very disheartened today and wondering if anyone has had similar difficulties with their sw.

When we went to approval panel a few weeks ago, we were sent out of the room before being given the verdict so they could speak to our sw. It transpires that they half of the panel thought our PAR was well written and thorough and the other half thought it was too emotional and made for a traumatic read! They also asked if she had looked into how we have dealt with our 'losses' and did we need to look into that more!  They commented that if they hadn't met us in person, they wouldn't have thought we were the strong characters that we clearly are and they made a recommendation that some of it was amended but our sw has refused she thinks it's fine. 

During a catch meeting this week, sw has commented that she still thinks PAR is fine and she is not going to amend it but she is a bit worried that we might come up against issues at matching panel if the same people are on the panel or the new panel feels the same way! 

I feel like we are stuck in the middle with no say in our own PAR! At the end of the day we are approved so we shouldn't have this worry. 

SW has also commented in our meeting this week that she thinks we might be in for a long wait because we have specified a little pink... she likened us to a couple with a similar criteria who waited a year and then gave up! Great! 

She also said that the sex is unknown with most F4A LO's so we are not likely to be chosen for that :-/

I am preparing myself for a loooooong wait now, but just feeling very frustrated and wondering whether to contest about the PAR being amended or leave it be. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thank you for listening ladies xxxx


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## butterfly15

Hi Pinky how strange. How do you feel about your PAR? If you are happy with it I wouldn't let it worry you. If you want to change something in it you should be able to do that.  

Regsrding the wait we were told we would wait a while as we wanted a pink too but we only waited two months in the end. The waiting is the hardest part. We didnt do foster to adopt though.  We said we prefer a girl but would happily accept a boy if it was the right match.

Hang in there!!!

Hope this helps xx


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## butterfly15

Sorry my reply is for bridget!!!! Did it again hahaha


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## jend0906

Bridget - I can't help with the par situation but I guess if you're not happy could you speak to someone more senior? As for the wait on a pink, I stated that I preferred a pink and only waited 3 months with fta. Hope you have better experiences moving forward!!


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you ladies, it really does help to be able to speak to you and your words are always encouraging and supportive.

LOL Butterfly, I guess your reply was for me    Well we were pleasantly surprised at how well written we thought out PAR was, mainly due to how unorganised our sw appeared to be throughout the meetings. The trouble is, when you have spent months writing out your 'essays' and going over them and re-writing bits, then you have read the PAR 3 times over, it becomes difficult to have a fresh view on it like the people on panel do. So whilst we are happy with it, I can see what they mean and the trouble is, it's the WAY it's been written that they have issue with and not the content so only our sw can change that really. After all it is her job to know how it should read. Maybe I'm over thinking it, I just really don't want any issues at matching panel and I know I will be stressed in the lead up now.
sw now on holiday again til tomorrow so will wait to get her reply! 

It's great to hear you only waited 2 months for your match and also specified a little pink... We have kept our criteria very open and will consider a boy but we have just been honest about feelings with sw for what would be ideal for us as it stands at the moment.

Jend - Thank you so much for your message too hun, I was just reading your info and see that your little pink was 6 months old when she came to you on f4a, we have been led to believe that f4a is only done with new borns and so we wouldn't be considered for most because they are mainly sex unknown before birth... Do you mind me asking if your LO came straight to you or was she in foster care first? 

Thanks again ladies xxxxx


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## jend0906

Hi Bridget, no course I don't mind, ask anything you need. So my lg was placed in foster around 6 days old and then came to me at 7 months old. Actually it wasn't supposed to be a foster to adopt placement, we were going down the straight adoption route. However there were delays with her medical report and so rather than leave her with the foster care we changed to fta so she could come home sooner. Hope that's of some use!!


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## jend0906

Sorry just to add, I know that all these hiccups that come up during the process are annoying, frustrating and even sometimes upsetting but trust me me, once the lo comes home it is worth every single bit of it. It is truly everything that I hoped for for so long, I love my lg beyond measure! I hope it's not too much longer for you.


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## itsonlybridge

aaaah Jend, your last message brought tears to my eyes, its so lovely to hear your story and it gives me great hope that everything will work out for us in the end.  Thank you for the information on f4a, that's really helpful  

sw called yesterday and we went through the issues so I am feeling a lot better about things. As she rightly pointed out, we were approved, if there was an issue that was significant, they wouldn't have approved us, it would have been adjourned.  Also if we do f4a, we won't need to go to matching panel until after the placement order is granted by which time LO would have been with us for a few months anyway, so there would need to be an extreme reason not to approve the match at that stage. I think I do over think things sometimes, but only because this is such an important thing, it's going to be life changing for us all as a family. 

Anyway, I am in a better frame of mind today and feeling positive and excited to hopefully find out LO soon. 

Hope everyone else is doing ok... nearly the weekend ladies  xxxxx


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## Pinkyd

Hi all hope u all had good wkends. 
Bridget glad u r feeling more positive now. 
Hope everyone else is doing ok. 
Feeling very down today. Had meeting after meeting it seems & every time we feel positive & excited the LO's LA (which is not our LA) seem to do their upmost to put Us off & mess us around with dates. 
Finally today however they confirmed matching panel for next month. Have been left feeling very deflated though, feel like we are constantly under scrutiny and justifying ourselves. we r good people yet today's meeting was so hard. Sorry for the moan. So good to read about those of u that have your LO's home. Keeps me sane. Thanks for listening xx


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## itsonlybridge

Hey everyone, hope you are all ok.

PinkyD I really do feel for you with being messed around at this late stage! Good to hear you have finally pinned them down to a matching panel date. Fingers crossed it won't be too much longer now for you lovely.

Well we are pretty up and down on a regular basis with possibilities that turn into dead ends. However this week we have been put forward for 2 separate LO's that sound promising. We would need to be short listed before we are shown any profiles and one would be F4A. We will know more next week after a meeting they are having so in the meantime I am trying not to get my hopes up but at the same time I have had to hand in my 7 day notice to work just in case the F4A one progresses as it would happen very fast if it did!  Quite a rollercoaster of emotions, I don't know whether I'm coming or going! 

Well have a nice weekend everyone and try and do something relaxing for yourselves... this is a difficult process and we all need to give ourselves some TLC from time to time.

Love to you all xxx


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## MrsD87

Hi everyone,
Its been a little while since i've posted and the last post was a bit ranty - sorry! 
Since the last post, the huge family issue that we had with the adoption has been resolved and all is fine which is an enormous relief. Im generally feeling better about it all now thankfully.
A couple of weeks back, our social worker mentioned that there was a LO that she was looking into for us. No placement order yet and there are 3 families in the running for her. Has anyone been in a competitive match? What was it like? Feels a bit like an audition! x


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## Bubsy

Hi ladies,

Sorry to jump in on your thread, I just have a couple of questions about adoption and was hoping you might be able to help.

We are the very early stages of looking into adoption. Can I just ask if you went with an agency or your local council? Is there an age criteria for adopting young children? I read some where that there is a vague rule about you not being 40 years older than the child - have any of you come across that?

Also, just reading your posts - what is a pink?

Many thanks


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## itsonlybridge

Morning ladies, hope you are all ok

MrsD we are in a similar situation with a Pink LO and there are quite a few other adopters showing interest. A week on we have been shortlisted but we still don't know how many are still in the running and we haven't even seen the LO photo! We should know next week and we will then be shown her profile but it just feels so strange being put forward for a LO we haven't seen that we may not even be drawn to!  And yes it does feel like an audition! I likened it to waiting to hear about a second interview for a job that you don't know much about! 

It's a very strange process that we are trying to have faith in as we have to have belief that they know what they are doing! We really have little other choice because as adopters, we only get to have a say if the LO social worker chooses us first. In a way I'm glad we haven't seen her picture because if we fell in love with her and weren't chosen, that would be even worse! Oh well Que Sera Sera! Hang in there and keep us updated Hun xxx

Bubsy hi there and welcome to the thread. To answer your question, we looked at a VA(voluntary agency) and LA (local agency) the main difference in a nutshell is that whilst the VA have a larger pool of children as they have links with LA's in the whole of the U.K, they generally deal with the 'children who wait'. These are the children that LA's have not been able to place with adopters within their region. We decided it was more beneficial for us to go with our LA based on this but it can be very dependant on your area and other factors. I would suggest contacting both and seeing how you feel, you are not committed to either until you sign the initial interest forms, and then you have to be committed to one or the other.

Pink = girl
Blue = boy
LO = Little one 

Good luck on your journey hun xxx


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## itsonlybridge

Hi ladies, just a quick update. We weren't matched with the little pink after all so it wasn't meant to be but I am glad she has found her forever home. Feeling a little bit deflated but our LO is still out there somewhere so we will have to remain patient  

Hope everyone else is ok xxx


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## Foxy898

Sorry to hear that itsonlybridget it must be so disappointing for you but hang in there your lo is out there somewhere and it will all be worth it when they come home! 
Our lo has been with us since may and it’s been absolutely amazing, our application went into court and we’re now just waiting for a date! It took longer than anticipated as our lo’s Sw hadn’t finished the report so we were advised to wait until she’d finished it before our application went in! Just can’t wait for it all to be finalised now x


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## itsonlybridge

Thanks Foxy, that's wonderful to hear how well it has all gone with your LO since May. Gives me hope. I am feeling more positive today and have drawn a line under it. What will be, will be! xxx


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## jend0906

Bridget - sorry you weren't matched but most definitely hang in there. It's so important to get the right match and while it's so disappointing for you, there will be a reason why they went with another couple based on the child's needs. Please don't let this get you down though, your LO is out there somewhere and waiting for you! Hope it's not long now.


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## Pinkyd

Bridget sorry to hear yr update but everyone is right everything happens for a reason and the right match is out there for u. 
We were successful at matching panel on Friday. We r over the moon. It was a really tough meeting but got a unanimous yes eventually. We have a play date with our LO’s tomorrow then start intros soon after, so happy 💕💕 wishing everyone else luck with their journeys it’s sooooo worth it xx


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## jend0906

Pinky - congratulations on the unanimous yes!! How did the play date go?

I had my lg's adoption order granted yesterday!!!!! However I'm annoyed that I wasn't told at the start that I have to wait 3 weeks for the actual adoption certificate and BM can still contest in that time  
I don't think she will as she didn't go to the final hearing but it's just so annoying that they get that chance even after final hearing!

Anyway I'm over the moon!!!


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## Pinkyd

Hi Jend. The play date was great thank u they are adorable & the love we feel already is immense. Cant wait to get them home. 
Many congrats on the adoption order. It’s such a shame that you have to have this final worry when u should be able to finally rejoice in your LO but it’ll be fine like u say. Let us know how it goes. Sending 🤗 xx


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## MrsD87

Hi guys, congrats on all the news! It’s so exciting to read. We are still waiting to hear back from a LO’s social worker as to whether we have been chosen out of the 3 families in competition for her. It’s such a weird feeling! Are competitive matches quite common? We are hoping to hear by the end of the week.


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## Pinkyd

Hi mrsD. Yes I believe it is common. We were in that position too. It’s horrid. Lucky with just one other couple though. Fingers are firmly crossed for u. I can only suggest keep pestering the SW show them how keen u r as that can’t hurt. Xx


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## MrsD87

Thank you lovely. Sadly if turns out that this little one has a half sister placed elsewhere in the country and they are interested in her so it doesnt look like its going to go in our favour. This is exhausting!


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## Pinkyd

Ah MrsD that’s tough sorry to hear that. It is exhausting and disappointing, sending you 🤗 hugs. Easy to say at the moment but the right LO is out there for u xx


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## itsonlybridge

MrsD so sorry to hear this, we had the same situation with a LO a couple of weeks ago and it was such an emotional rollercoaster with the excitement and nerves of waiting to see if we were chosen and the idea of this LO forming in our minds and hearts... to the thud of not being chosen and feeling back to square one again. You are right, it is exhausting, but hang in there, you are not on your own. 

We are still waiting to hear about a F4A placement that may come about in a few weeks but trying not to think about it too much.

We have finally finished painting the nursery at the weekend after 4 attempts at getting the colour we wanted! curtains are up so we are ready to order the furniture as soon as we know anything! It is a strange feeling getting ready for a child that we still don't know about.

PinkyD that's great news on the LO's, what is the next step in the process for you?

xxx


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## Pinkyd

Hey Bridget 
Keeping it all crossed for yr FTA 😊. It is strange decorating isn’t it, we did it a while ago, in fact once we were approved just the painting etc, then furniture like u we waited til we knew. Exciting though as u know one day it will happen u just don’t know when and with wat LO 😝. 
We’ve had a number of play dates now & introductions officially started today. We got smiles & a tiny giggle today too so think they are starting to recognise us
Xx


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you PinkyD and yes it is quite a strange feeling being in limbo land with the nursery decorated but not furnished. The other baby things are kind of on order but not quite ready to order yet and my employer is already handing over my work to other colleagues but I'm not yet leaving! I am more than ready for this to happen now so I really hope we are not waiting too much longer. We have a meeting with our social worker on Monday so she might have an update for us with any luck.

That's wonderful news that your play dates have gone well, how have you got on with introductions? It can't be long now til they are home with you, how exciting! Are they little pinks? What age are they if you don't mind me asking? We were shown the profile of siblings yesterday but they at the top end of our age range and will be even older by are going to be even older by the time we are through panel, christmas and introductions etc  

Hope everyone else is ok and those of you waiting are coping ok xxx


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## CaraJ

Hi, DH & I are at the very beginning of the adoption process and a bit overwhelmed so thought I'd see if anyone else is at a similar stage.
We made the decision to move onto adoption back in April but only now are we ready. We've been TTC for 5 years and did 2 1/2 years of IVF. It was horrid. We came out of it having lost 8 prospective babies through miscarriage, failed cycles and genetic defects. 
We're now excited about this new path to parenthood. We have chosen a VA and have our initial interview booked in for about 10 days time.


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## Pinkyd

Hi caraj and welcome. Excellent decision you won’t regret it. Sorry to hear of your Ttc struggle, I also had ivf cycles & a miscarriage. It’s so hard. The adoption process is much less up & down & a little more in your control. Still a rollacoaster of course but knowing a LO is out there for u makes it easier. 
We have just bought our LO’s home today 💜💜. They are 1, and pinks. It’s been a fairly seemless journey until the matching process then it all became quite stressful but so utterly with it. The introductions in particular are hard as there is so much back & forth & disruption for the LO’s. They seem to be attaching really well which melts our hearts. Hope everyone else is doing ok.


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## LondonHope

Hi CaraJ, 

We're also at the start of the process after a long infertility journey. Wishing you all the best with the process. 

X


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## CaraJ

Pinkyd congratulations on bringing your LOs home.
London Hope nice to meet someone at a similar stage. So sorry for your struggles to date. Wishing you the best in this process.
We have got past the preliminaries and are now in stage 1. All the paperwork and reading list are quite overwhelming but I feel more in control than I did with IVF.


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## LondonHope

Thanks, CaraJ. 

All the best with stage 1 and all the reading. I've loved the Sally Donovan books, as well as Dan Hughes' "Building the Bonds of Attachment". Can't recommend it enough. Also, you might like BBC Radio 4's recent podcast series "The Adoption". 

Completely understand what you mean about the control!

Take care,
X


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## CaraJ

Hi London Hope,
How are you getting on?
We've just had the first two days of our preparation course, 2 more days in a fortnight. It's been great to meet people at the same stage and learn all the play techniques and things. It has been quite heavy going and information overload though. DH and I are going to the theatre today to help us relax a bit.
Cx


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## bundles

Ladies 

This thread will remain open but if anyone is specifically starting their adoption journey in 2018 I have started a new thread here :

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=389257.0

Sometimes it can be easier chatting to those at the same stage but also have access to those further forward for specific questions.

As I've said on the new thread, Adoption is without a Moderator at the moment, so if you spot any issues please let me know. Also, if anyone is interested in becoming a Moderator then do drop me a PM 

Bundles x
Site Management


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## MissMayhem

Hi guys hope you don't mind me dipping in here for a little minute, I must confess I've not had time to read the entire thread but can see it's active so am hoping for a little bit of info. Just wondering if post approval it was usual for any of you to go to the social workers office to see them or if it was always done in your homes? I've seen my social worker twice since approval in July, once at home and once in office. I get that they're really busy so logistically it can be better for them for you to go to them, but it just felt very clinical to me being sat in a tiny interview room in a council building, particularly with families attending child protection conferences in the same reception area. Am just wondering if I'm being unreasonable and/over sensitive preferring to meet in my home so wondered what everyone else's experiences were? Also, does anyone have experience of using link maker? Please feel free to tell me to shove off and start my own post, know I'm being cheeky just sneaking in here with my questions! 😆 Good luck to you all either way and hope you all get to realise your dreams soon.xx


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## itsonlybridge

Hello Miss Mayhem, you are very welcome here  

We were approved around the same time in August and all of our meetings have been at our home. The only time we have been to the council buildings were for adoption training and panel. I haven't heard of anyone in our group who has been asked to go to the office for a meeting so it's something I haven't come across before. If they ask again, perhaps you could diplomatically say you are happy to arrange a different date convenient to them when they are able to come to you.

We have lots of experience on linkmaker and have pretty much exhausted ourselves with it so ask away! 

What matching criteria are you approved for? We are 0-4, 1 or 2 children and also approved for F4A. 

I think this the most anxious and frustrating  part of the whole process so far! xxx


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## MissMayhem

Hi itsonlybridget thank you for your warm welcome

Am not worrying so much now about visits outside home, guess it's just a matter of time/travel to me so is easier for them if I go there.

I'm approved for one child 0/3, am asking for flexibility with this though as know I want more than one child and so many sibling groups on linkmaker. Can I ask with linkmaker whether you got to see CPR s for the children or are you only allowed to see them when you're progressing to matching panel? I've had two potential matches but haven't seen the reports, just had summaries from Sw. Am finding it tough as linkmaker states interest can be shown in up to five but my LA really seen to frown on that and am finding it quite a laborious process as am not allowed to do anything myself, was hoping it would offer us a teeny bit more autonomy. Has your experience been similar?xx


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## itsonlybridge

Hey Miss Mayhem

Great to hear from you. I don't know why you're LA would frown upon up to 5 expressions of interest, the whole point of Linkmaker is so that you can look for yourself and make enquires. SW should only then become involved if you want to go to the next stage with a child. 
You can remove your sw from the initial enquires and emails to and from children's sw's as it's an option that's given to you on the site.  
We found that our sw is happy for us to do the work ourselves as she has got such a heavy workload she hasn't got the time to spend trawling like we have.

I have been sent CPR's via the link but I think it depends on the circumstances of the child and whether they have yet got a placement order. Some sw may prefer to send CPR's via your sw so that they can be sent your PAR at the same time. 

We have pretty much exhausted ourselves on the link now and although we are set up to receive an email when any new profiles become available, we are leaning more towards F4A which is pretty much a waiting game. We were actually 24 hours away from a F4A match a couple of weeks ago but it fell through at the last minute due to circumstances out of our control which was frustrating.

I hope you are not waiting much longer for your match xx


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## MissMayhem

Hey itsonlybridget good to hear from you too. F4A sounds so exciting, so much better for the children too to experience such early stability. I'm very sorry to hear that it fell through last minute, must have been upsetting for you. I really hope things work in your favour soon, sounds like you've had quite a time of it.xx I really like linkmaker for the reasons you state, but I think some agencies are not as keen as they like to be in control, for very valid reasons I understand, but it is frustrating. If an agency isn't wholly committed to the service linkmaker provides I would prefer them to just boycott it, not sign up and then have reservations. Do you know how to remove your social worker from the initial enquiries? I don't want to exclude mine but would like to probe myself and see if I feel it's a potential match and then bring to her attention. I would have thought most would be glad of adopters searching themselves and only informing them when necessary, saves them using up energy on something that may not go anywhere in the end, just like they don't tell us when they're exploring possible links until people are in agreement that it could be a good match.


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## itsonlybridge

Hi MissMayhem, I hope you had a good weekend  
When you are sending a message of interest for a child, it gives you the option to add or remove your social worker from the correspondence. I agree with you that it would save them being unnecessarily involved with lots of profiles that don't end up going anywhere. 

F4A does keep you on your toes as although we could be waiting a while for it to happen, when it does it could literally happen at any moment with not much notice at all. It is frustrating and it was upsetting when it fell through but we have to remain focused and believe that the right little soul is out there and just not quite ready for us yet.

Keep me posted on your journey xxx


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