# Egg donation abroad and possibility of adopting?



## Grumpygirl (Oct 24, 2004)

Hi there,
I've been reading a few worrying mentions on here recently about having egg donation abroad and the possibility that social services may not look too kindly on it if you choose to adopt later on. Does anyone have first hand experience of this or know any facts that may influence my decision to let our GP know what we're doing with regards to future treatments?

It seems really unfair to me that the only reason we're going abroad in the first place is because the possibility of having DE in this country is so slim, only to be told that because we're being 'risky' and 'desperate' (in their eyes) we might not be considered for adoption either.

Any thoughts/input?
Thanks
Lisa
xx


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

This is probably as a result of my post- we had a negative response recently on donor DE abroad from a social worker in an initial meeting on applying for  overseas adoption. The issue was more about  anonymity rather than just going abroad - ie the child will never know her genetic history in full- and how we would handle it. 

However this may have been her personal views but it did worry me slightly that we were being ' typecast' already. She knew nothing about us and still doesn't until the home study takes place. She was completely negative about every aspect of us that we came away very depressed and feeling there was little point in proceeding.  I have however been warned to expect negative attitudes from social workers as this is part of their elimination process ie to make sure that only the strong stay in the race.

You will probably find loads of women on this thread who have adopted successfully after DE and it wasn't an issue so please don't go by our unfortunate experience, it may have been a one off.


roze


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## chrissier (Mar 16, 2005)

You are under no obligation to tell social workers that you are undergoing DE abroad.  In my experience the less you tell social workers the better as they will be quick to hold it against you if anything goes wrong.  I would just tell them you have had a few cycles of IVF or tell them you have had fertility treatment - be vague.  I tell you this as someone very experienced in dealing with social workers.  My husband and I adopted two girls 6 years ago (aged 5 and 6) and it has not been an altogether happy experience.  One of the girls has turned out very well, but the other one has ADHD and Attachment Disorder neither of which we were told about prior to our meeting with the girls and it has been the bane of our lives for the past 6 years as we fought social services and education to get her the care she needed, not to mention the terrible stress of trying to look after a child with severe mental problems.  I would always advise anyone thinking of adoption to proceed with extreme caution and always seek second or third opinions on any child you are doubtful about before you commit yourself to take them on. (By that I mean get them seen by a paediatrician and a child mental health specialist such as CAMHS).  I would imagine that adopting from abroad would be a safer option than adopting in this country.  At least those children have not (hopefully) been left in abusive situations until severe permanent damage has been done to them.  

Sorry, I wasn't planning to get into this subject on these boards as we are trying to move on with our lives and look forward to the future.  However, I do feel for people contemplating adopting in this country as it is a real minefield.  We have finally got our daughter into a special residential home for children with emotional problems but it has taken 6 long years ..........

Good luck to anyone considering adoption.

Chrissie


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## Womb with a View (Dec 7, 2004)

Dear Chrissie, so sorry to hear of your problems with your adopted daughter.  Your posting is invaluable and thanks for sharing it with us.  Glad to hear you've now got the help she needed.  Hope all works out well for all of you. xxx

Giggles - thanks for this posting.  It's been on my mind as my DP talked to someone re adoption last week and I didn't realise he was going to.  I then said "you didn't tell her this and you didn't tell her that did you?"  to which he replied honesty was the best policy but I can tell you, from my experience with him, he's got himself up the creek without a paddle when he's been so open and honest in the past so from now on it's ME who's going to handle the phonecalls and I will be vague about the finer details of my IVF.  They don't have to know.  Chrissie is right.  

Roze wrote "I have however been warned to expect negative attitudes from social workers as this is part of their elimination process ie to make sure that only the strong stay in the race."  I am sure this is absolutely right.  However, if they knew anything about IVF and what we've been through they would know that we ARE the "strong" and we defo have whatever it takes to bring a child up.  

Good luck Giggles and Roze.  And AJ!! xxx


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## casey (Sep 26, 2004)

Ladies 
i just wanted to say that i am a social worker and i dont hve negative attitudes to anyone with the intention of 'weeding them out' - but what i will do ( and defend it ) is ask as many questions as possible about a couple and their past and present situation, and this is to ensure that they are 
1 fully committed to the reality of having a child who as chrissier says may have been badly neglected or abused
2 the commitment and ability and compassion to deal with this
3 the ability ot be realistic and see what issues are a) psychological, b) personality 
c) medical 4) age appropriate

Also not all adopted children have been neglected ro abused - the aim of social work is to try and prevent this and if not to protect the child as much as possible - there is an element here of you are damned if you do and damned if you dont 

As for telling the social worker about DE IVF - this is your choice but we have all considered the issue of genetic heritage, what to tell the child, how he/she will feel in the future - why would a professional trained to ask these questions and assess it from the view of the impact upon a child and the family dynamics be any different 

Chrissie - i am very sorry that you have had such a long hard battle - its hard to fight the system and feel judged for doing so - i hope you have received some help somewhere 

But not all social workers are difficult and judgemental - i work extremely hard to help familes ( all sorts) and protect children in very challenging circumstances and i hope i do so with fairness, empathy and the ability to assess without prejudice 

please dont judge a whole profession on the basis of certain bad experiences 
Casey

BTW - I am on my second De IVF and if it doesn't work i will be looking at adoption - and i will be telling the social worker about the DE and if i find her to be judgemental then i will challenge him or her as i expect to challenged by the process


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## Womb with a View (Dec 7, 2004)

Hi Casey.  Thanks for the posting.  Great to be reassured that social workers are individual and good to have a perspective from the social worker's point of view.  DP said he didn't have any problem with the lady he spoke to, she was very encouraging.  However, I would hate to think that our abroadies trip might affect our chances of offering a child a warm, secure and loving enviornment.  Paranoia reigns!!

Love to you, AJ xxx


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## chrissier (Mar 16, 2005)

Hi Casey

Thanks for your reply.  It is nice to know that some social workers are human but I'm afraid my own experience has made my very cynical where social workers are concerned.  I feel that adoptive parents are given a very raw deal when they ask for help or try to rock the boat in any way.  The only help we have received in our long battle to get help for our adoptive daughter has been from the medical profession (our GP was great) and from CAMHS.  Education and social services let us down big time.  I know a lot of it is down to money, but there is also an element of expecting adoptive parents to be some kind of superhuman who should be able to cope whatever is thrown at them.  When you have a child who screams and cries every day and attacks her sister, shop lifts etc its a bit much to expect an ordinary couple to be able to cope.  I truly feel for the couple who have been convicted of killing a child placed with them by overdosing him on salt.  I think it is a massive miscarriage of justice, but it also doesn't surprise me that they were blamed.  I can't believe for one minute that an intelligent couple prepared to take on 3 siblings would have done such a thing.  It's amazing though how they were jumped on by the media and flung into jail without any real evidence against them.

Nothing would ever persuade me to adopt again after my own experience and that isn't because I don't feel compassion for children who need a home.  It is purely because of the system which in my opinion is severely flawed in this country.

Chrissie

PS By the way, we haven't abandoned our other daughter.  We still have regular contact with her and she still regards us as her family.  We are hoping that one day, if her mental health problems can be helped she may return to us.  At least she is in the right place now.


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## casey (Sep 26, 2004)

Hi girls
im so glad that you read my post in the way it was intended as after i posted i was worried i would sound as tho i was lecturing you 

AJ - as i said what you tell the s/w is up to you and i can understand the fear of being unfairly judged - i hope that if this the way to acheive your dream that you get a s/w who understands what a lovely person you are and can see how much you would be able to offer a child who needs love and security 

Chrissier _ I agree with what you say in that i do think adoptive parents are expected to be able to cope with almost anything - there is an element of ' well you wanted it and agreed to it so you have to deal with it - but i am suprised that you weren't provided with any post-adoptive support - in the authority that i work for each adiptive parent and foster carer has their own individual s/w and inmy experience these s/w are very supportive ( dare i say it sometimes too much so ) and i find it incredible that education wouldn't help - was your daughter statemented ? it sounds as tho you have been thru a horrendous time - i am soo glad your dd is getting the help that she needs - i have seen and worked with some very damaged children and i know exactly how this is displayed in terms of behaviour and how hard it can be to manage and especially with other children to consider - your dd may not live with you but at least she does have a family and a mum who has fought her corner - i wish you and your family well for the future 

as for me im totally shattered from another exhausting day - sometimes the level of aggression, conflict and criticism is relentlessl - but i do  ot as o know that in the end these kids will find parents just like you and will be happy 

love caseyxx


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## Womb with a View (Dec 7, 2004)

Hi Chrissie.  You are so obviously a wonderful parent and not for one moment would anyone who knows you think you'd abandoned your daughter, far from it.  I am so glad you found each other.  xxxxx

Hi Casey.  I wouldn't like to be in your shoes as a social worker for one moment.  It must be a career of extreme highs and extreme lows.  I hope you reserve some of that energy for yourself.  xxxxx


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