# 8 year old grieving loss?



## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

hi all 


i am after some advice or strategies that could help us parent our 8yr old. he had is celebration day in court 2 weeks ago and since then is going through what i can only describe as grieving. he is sad, somewhat withdrawn but very attention seeking at school and is demonstrating inappropriate behaviours ie flashing the kids in PE, smacking girl on the bum, making silly noises, saying everyone hates him in the class. he has self worth and self esteem issues.


how can we  help him through this process, we seem to have been through the denial phase but he says he doesn't know why he is sad and i do believe him, he usually says i don't know to everything connected with emotions but this time when we asked what was wrong, why are you sad? he came back with i don't know and started crying immediately.


we sent our contact letters in sept and we should get replies in Oct, who don't expect any based on past experience, he knows our letters have gone away due to sneaking around spying on us, he hasn't mentioned the contact letters,we only letter box contact, but this must also be having an impact....


any advice would be much appreciate as I have a very lonley sad little boy who is confused about what he is feeling


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Poor little fella! Im not an expert, but just keep doing what you are doing. The celebration hearing is probably what triggered this, you see the beginning, he sees the end. 


If he is changing and adapting in your loving family, then that will continue. It's easier to say than to do but keep relaxed about it and keep talking to him, and he will come through it. Take a few days off school if you think it will give him and you a break??


The contact letter is tough though, it might be best to be totally honest with him about it, so he knows he can trust you. You might have hoped you could keep it from him until he was older, but if he already knows??


Hope some of this helps
Ruth


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## Dee Jay (Jan 10, 2005)

Hi Jules F,
I can't offer much advice as I haven't got an 8 year old, but I'll try.
As you say you think that he's grieving for his past. Have you explained that his past is still very much part of him and that you're 'happy' to keep discussing and talking about it? Maybe he thinks that it's 'ended' as he has a new beginning, if that makes sense? He must be very confused as its a new experience for him and hard to know exactly what it means. A celebration hearing is great for us adoptive parents, but so overwhelming for our little ones. Have you got a life story book for him? Can you add to it, with his help to include the celebration day so that he sees it as part of his life journey? And use that as an opportunity to revisit any parts that he wants to discuss?


The contact letters are always a difficult issue and one that I too struggle with. I'm afraid that I don't have a lot of constructive advice, so best I don't add anything on that.


Finally I think that by keeping reassuring him you'll make him feel more settled and secure and hopefully this and time will help him,
Lol Dxxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Hi Jules

How are things now? I have a 7yr old who if feeling "challenged" by his emotions tends to have a chaotic few days at school. He has been with us 5 years now so I am usually able to tell if something is going to trigger it. They are very few and far between now which I am sure will also happen for you.

I also work with vunerable/tramatised children in schools and maybe the behaviours he is displaying at the moment he knows will draw attention to him, even negative attention is attention. It might be his way of saying I have all these emotions at the moment and don't know how to deal with them so it is coming out in this way.

How are school managing it when it happens? I changed my sons school earlier this year and now he is in a school that are amazing and he has very few down/chaotic days. 

Change is huge for our little ones who have already had so much to deal with and having his celebration hearing is another significant event for him. 

I would just keep giving lots of reassurance and I know its hard ar times but positive attention as much as possible.
He may have seen the celebration hearing as final and is now testing the boundaries to see how far he can push you and how ever sad this may seem seeing if he really is with you forever or if he has to move again!
My son even now if we are out in the car, even for an hour with say are we going home, we are going home aren't we! He just needs the reassurance.

With regards to contact you have to do what is right for you. If it is something you think he can cope with and will be positive for him to help, even by just drawing a picture or something to send then I don't see why he isnt old enough to do it. It all depends on the situation. 

I hope things are going ok now
suzie x


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

i am becoming tired of making excuses for him now. His teacher rang again today 3rd time in 6 weeks, so we've had the flashing the other boys after sports club, touching a girl inappropriately  saying he wants a knife to kill himself, trying to get an older boy to kiss a girl and when he refused kneed him some where "TENDER" and now we've had burping and farting on purpose in lessons, sent out, refusal, ran around the classroom then more refusal to leave then standing behind door saying go on squish me!


We all know he ids damaged, attention seeking any type of attention but he is just playing up on purpose and everyone is struggling to know how to deal with him............last year his school told us nothing and treated him with kid gloves there attitude was poor little boy in care now its every 2 weeks he is pushing teachers to their limits and goading them to respond.


I'm  a teacher myself and I have no idea how to deal with in situations like this, he doesn't push boundaries like this at home....


then at half term we have to deal with the lack of contact letters from birth family - so nutmeg books are coming out again!


despite all this I know how far we have come as this year time we would have lost our tempers with him where as now we are more controlled - i'm just not sure what he wants to achieve from all this


your'e thoughts, strategies are much appreciated


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

jules do you use the AUK forum at all..there are lots on there with children who need a lot of extra input..lots of experienced people who may have good advice as to where you go from here..might be worth a post or two..
sorry you are havaing to deal with..could itjust  be settling in to a new year/teacher  
kj x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Firstly masses of hugs to you as I know how draining it can be at times.

The behaviours he is displaying are they things from his background he has seen etc? Or are they just things he know will get most attention? 
Are you getting support from adoption unit? As they have workers able to give practical help, if not might be worth having a chat with them

Suzie x


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

thanks for the advise, it is just attention seeking and its always with the same teacher who is a regular supply person at his school


I have tried the AUK forums but i found they are negative


as for post adoption support because the kids are out of county my LA won't do anything and the LA they are from were useless and nothing has improved


he expects treats for the sake of it and tonight has announced he will be good if we buy him a skeleton costume for Halloween


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