# Insensitive friend has ruined my weekend!



## caro226 (Nov 28, 2007)

Hello everyone,

Just need to let of some steam as I'm v v angry at what a (now ex- in my mind!) friend has said...

A quick history: I'm now 40, and am very lucky to have a nearly 5 year old girl who has just started school. We have been TTC #2 since she was about 9 months old - 2 miscarriages since then, as well as losing my mum very suddenly to ovarian cancer, so her early years have not been the easiest time all round. We are still TTC, and are now undergoing naprotechnology treatment (medicated natural cycles rather than IVF), we've done 3 monthly cycles of this treatment and have 9 left before we call it quits (in theory). 

Having spent most of my daughters life not working, I decided I wanted to go back to work of some sorts when she started school, particularly as DH has just taken a big pay cut to work for a charity 60 miles away, so we really could do with a second income now (until we work out whether to move or not to save commute costs). I struggled to find a suitable job that would let me work part-time, so in the end have got a full-time job lined up which starts in a couple of weeks. For me, it's not ideal, I would much rather work 3-4 days rather than 5, but they've been really good on flexible hours, so I can do school drop off every day and have a day working from home once a week. It's a lower salaried job than I was on before I had my DD but my hope is that means the job might be less stressful! So it seemed like the best option all round.
[/size]
[/size]Today I decided to go the gym, and this 'friend' was there (I say 'friend' - she is actually DD's godmother, but I've found her increasingly difficult to deal with over the past few years and sadly do regret that decision). We were chatting (which makes a change, last time I saw her she practically blanked me, she is that sort of person!) and I mentioned the new job. She basically frowned and said 'you'll really struggle with that. How will you get everything done at home?' - like this isn't something I've considered at great depth! I should also point out that she is a GP working 2 days a week...so financially is in a much better position (I suspect my full-time salary is half of what she earns in two days!), and her DH is a teacher so they don't have to worry about childcare in the holidays. I pointed out that it came down to a choice of being at home full-time, or work full-time, and I'd choose the latter now that DD is at school as I didn't want to be at home with too much time to think about the babies that never were. The disapproving look on her face said it all, but I didn't want to get into a debate about the decision I (and DH!) have made on this front.

By this point I was more than a little bit peed off, but the real gem came when we got onto talking about TTC. 'you haven't given up on all that yet by now then?' was the tactful response I got, followed by 'you're 40 now' when I said we hadn't, and then some elaborate story about how her cousin had been TTC for 6 years before giving up and having a big 40th party to 'move on'. I pointed out that we had only just started the treatment phase of the napro program, and so we would draw a line under it in about 9 months time when / if a years worth of cycling had been unsuccessful - bit stupid to stop at the point that you are starting receiving treatment for the various issues we've had. The response? 'no, you should stop now' WTF? I took a deep breath, said 'well, maybe you'd feel differently if you were in my shoes', and made a swift exit and cried in the showers for 20 minutes. But why should I have to justify why we are continuing? Why does suddenly turning 40 make all the difference? I'm not likely to be significantly less likely to get pregnant at 40.25 than at 39.75...am I? Or did I miss something?

I know this woman is an idiot, and she has very fixed opinions, and just cannot understand people making different life choices to her, but still, both the comments on the job and TTC have smacked right at the heart of the struggles I've been having over the last few years. I desperately want another baby, but if that doesn't happen then I need something more than having school days at home, and so, given the circumstances, I'm doing the best I can. Not everyone has a doctors flexibility or salary, or the ability to have kids so easily. And I no longer have my mum to phone up! I wish I could just brush it off, but I'm so upset and angry. I came home and ranted at DH (who fully understood why I was so upset) and still I feel no better. Somehow I need to be able to move on from insensitive comments like this, but it's so damn hard!

I just went to the gym to have a bit of time to myself, and now I feel like my emotions aren't even safe there!! 

So sorry for ranting, just needed to vent in the only place I know ppl truly understand 
Cx[size=small]


----------



## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Wow, your 'friend' is a B****! In fact, she is poison. She is not fit to be a GP since she lacks empathy - a basic requirement of the job. You have every right to feel very angry. 

I would seriously think about avoiding her conversation in future, to protect your well being. Life is hard enough without tactless, unkind, opinionated people enforcing their opinions. Of course, she thinks she is wonderful and can't see why you don't do exactly as she says (she's a GP and I expect demands respect). 

I **try** (LOL) to follow this proverb: Hurt we once, more fool you; hurt me twice, more fool me. In other words, protect yourself in the future.

If you do see her, you can be polite. I just wouldn't get too close so that she can hurt you, and it's probably best not to share too much personal information (so she can't force an opinion).

Plenty of people are having babies in their 40's. You'll be one of them!

Wishing the biggest amount of baby dust to you (and a virtual hug from a stranger).

xx


----------



## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

What a nasty nasty friend.  I too have lost friends with insensitive comments along the way. Please don't let her upset you though I know that's easier said than done

As for stopping at 40- what rubbish.  As you can see from my sig I have just got pregnant on my 7th IVF attempt.  I'm 42.  Never  give up on your dreams xx


----------



## caro226 (Nov 28, 2007)

Thanks Louise.  And many congrats on your BFP - gosh, sounds like you will have your hands full in a few months!


And deedee - guess it is more fool me.  It's not the first time she's upset me (tho this has to be the worst), and I have felt in the 14 years I've known her that being a GP is more of a convenience than a love, because it allows her to earn a very decent salary in as short a time as possible, rather than it being out of love and care for people's well-being.  And yes, will definately jsut play my cards close to my chest from now on.  And if we are fortunate enough to get a BFP, well, she won't be hearing it from me (sadly our DH's are very friendly though).



I guess the thing that frustrated me the most is she lectured me as if I hadn't thought all these issues through.  Of course I have!  We have a clear plan now that says for the next 9 months or so we will be trying this course of action to get baby #2.  In the meantime, I'm starting the process of 'moving on' by finding that job, clearing out most of the baby stuff, and considering whether adoption is a route we may go down.  I never envisaged that suddenly at 40 I would go 'ta-da!  No more TTC thanks very much!'


Thanks ladies, xx


----------



## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Caro.  Would you consider doing IVF! 

She does sound quite patronising - time to distance yourself and surround yourself with people that are supportive. Xx


----------



## teapot73 (Jul 6, 2013)

*Caro226*, I totally understand how you feel as also had very condescending comments from a school friend (who gets pregnant extremely easy), advising me to give up my job (which I could not do for financial reasons anyway) to concentrate on getting pregnant, well I explained that I won't tolerate any remarks like this and we are not in touch anymore. I guess for me it was easier because all this was done by e-mail as she lives miles away.
If people allow themselves to make insensitive/rude/condescending comments they obviously don't value and appreciate your friendship so I would avoid this b..ch and would not share any of my plans with her. 
I am going to be 41 in a couple of months and I am definitely not giving up yet! 
Wishing you best of luck with your treatment xx


----------



## dancingdreamer (Jun 7, 2014)

OMG, avoid this person at all costs! Ttc particularly when you are having issues with it is a stressful enough time without ignorant rude person making insensitive comments to make you feel even worse. 

It's one things when people put their foot in their mouth without realising or when they are uninformed on the subject but for someone who is as knowledgable as a GP and is also supposed to be a friend comes out with garbage like that I'm afraid it's time to cut her off. 

Do you feel you would meet up with her and tell her how and why she upset you and see if she shows any signs of sensitity or remorse? Could be worth doing. At least then she will know the reason for the termination in friendship was down to her.

Hope you feel better after a rant. Chocolate cake helps too I find


----------



## rmatz (Jun 20, 2014)

Hi.

Sorry you have had such a hard experience with a 'friend'. I have been there so many times. I myself have learned people use that word way too loosely.  What she has done, especially if it is normal for her, is not what I would call friendship.

In the very least, if you can't talk it through directly, what kind of relationship is that?  I have gotten much more direct myself.  I used to be a bit more direct than normal for my culture (southern USA), but I always try to be tactful.  However, since living in Germany I am even more direct and fear I might hurt people sometimes. I think though, there is a difference in directness and what she said. She was bullying you a bit and in the least not even trying to care for your feelings.  Even in my directness, I think carefully about the feelings of my friends.  Seems she thinks a little too highly of herself.

I had a 'friend' like that for a long, long time.  As I got older and more secure in who I am, I realized what I had been accepting as her 'helping' me, was her passing judgment and openly criticising me.  She had the nerve when I told her I had trouble with this and could no longer be her friend (after many attempts to work through it and maintain a friendship) to tell me my problem was I wasn't strong enough to handle her opinions and just tell her 'no' when I didn't agree.  I quickly told her that she is wrong, it was because I am stronger now that I AM telling her no and no longer accept her treatment. She never got it and as much as I sometimes wish we could have been friends, I do not really miss her.  It had become where even the thought of a conversation with her filled me with anxiety.

As we go through these very personal and important stages of fertility treatment, we start to see who are our acquaintances, who are our friends and finally, who should no longer be our friends.  It is a process that separates the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.  Just like a good detox of your body, ridding your life of toxic people feels great and makes room for those that are worth your time and energy.

Now, if this is a friendship you feel is worth the effort in the end, I have long ago learned that the best way to deal with direct people is to be equally direct.  I would figure out what you need from her as a friend that she can realistically give you (some people aren't capable) and speak to her very frankly that you find her comments offensive and insensitive.  If she can dish it out, but not take it, she has more issues than just being direct and that can tell you a lot about how to move forward.  Personally, I wouldn't want a friend who I couldn't speak candidly with...I simply don't have the energy or see the point. Isn't the point of friendships to bring either fun, joy, comfort or support to each other? 

I really hope I haven't been too harsh here!     You are worth more than this person has made you feel.  Some people have the opinion that having children when you are older is not right. I personally feel having them before you are old enough to provide stability is worse.  There are lots of opinions floating around and the only one that really matters is yours and your partner's in this case.  Forty is not old anymore, anyway.

Best of luck! I hope you feel better soon!


----------



## caro226 (Nov 28, 2007)

So we baked chocolate cake yesterday afternoon...so much for the diet!!


Said friend called round yesterday afternoon to attempt to handover some hand-me-down shoes for DD.  I stayed upstairs whilst DH dealt with her (he was pretty annoyed too and so acted pretty aloof when she was stood on the doorstep!)  Then today we bumped into her at the swimming pool.  We had a polite conversation about swimming classes.  I've decided to be polite when spoken to, but not actively seek to spend time with her anymore (not that I see her that much these days), and try to avoid situations where she's likely to be (not hard since I'll be at work v soon!)  


DH thought that she might have realised that she'd overstepped the mark, hence why she came round to drop off shoes, that she was maybe 'testing the water' to see what sort of response she got.  She's not really the sort of person you can sit down and have a conversation along the lines of 'you've upset me and this is why' because she just thinks she's entitled to her opinion and it doesn't matter how she puts it across.  She even said 'I've said my piece' when I told her she might feel differently about TTC if she were in my shoes, and almost said it in a jokey manner which just hacked me off all the more. So many things I wish I'd said at the time, but I guess I'm armed in case it ever does come up again.


Starting to feel a bit better, but bruised...
x


----------



## caro226 (Nov 28, 2007)

Rmatz - your post came as I was posting mine!  Thanks for your words, very rational and sensible, not harsh   
Ultimately I think this is one friendship I'm prepared to let dwindle.  Although to be honest it more or less has anyway.  I can still be civil to her, but I've learnt from very bitter experience this weekend not to share too much.  I'll have far less free time in a couple of weeks so want to spend that on the relationships that really count!
x


----------



## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

Listen to your specialist (but listen to yourself even more) not any GP.  She's not a fertility specialist.  I have found that GP's know a fraction of the amount of information about fertility than any lady (patient) that has been through infertility.  I've had a couple of GP's admit that I know far. More about the subject than them and have Prompted me to repeat certain terminology whilst they write in my notes.  I had to explain to two different GPs and various nurses and even a midwife (I think she was a midwife,  someone on the labour ward anyway) how I managed to have an ectopic from an IVF pregnancy.

I also have a friend that tried for her second child after she turned 40 and became pregnant around age 41. I can't remember if she was 41 or 42 when she gave birth.  I have another friend that was around 42 when she gave birth to her youngest child.  Hundreds of people I. Their 40's are no doubt giving birth around the world all day long.  It's not that unusual for people in their 40's to give birth.  No one was surprised when my friend announced her pregnancy a few years ago.  No one thought it was some kind of miracle,  it's really no that unusual.  If your friend raises the subject again maybe just ask her whether she has ever known any pregnant women/patients in their 40's and just explain that there's a good possibility that it will happen to you.


----------



## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

You could add that if she were to strive for something she really wanted then you would fully support her decision with that even if you thought her chances of success were low.... Because that is what friends do generally.... They generally support each other if they can.


----------



## dancingdreamer (Jun 7, 2014)

Pleased you went with the chocolate cake remedy! 

Hope you are feeling better.

Sometimes it's easier to just say nothing.

Be happy that you're not a horrible insensitive person and therefor you can rise above their negativity 

Xxx


----------

