# Self employed and infertility



## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Hi - not sure whether this is the best place to post but wondered if anyone is in the same situation as me.

I am self employed - work from home on my own.  I steered my career this way - so if we had a family , working from home would be ideal.  But after countless failed ivf's and having no children - I am struggling.

I am not motivated at all and my business is suffering.  I feel lonely and un-motivated.  I'm on my own all day.  I can't really find any work working with people in my profession as it doesn't work that way.  I can't really do voluntary work as I need to keep the business going as we need to save for another possible IVF.  I love what I do - but infertility is spoiling it.  I have no motivation to go out for a walk just to get out for a short while.  It is so hard to motivate myself.

I wondered if anyone else is in a similar boat and has any coping mechanisms?

Red
x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Hi, 

im not self employed but i do alot of lone working and working from home so i know how hard it can be to motivate yourself when your not really being monitored on what you do - i just have a mini panic when my manager sets a 1-1 meeting and try to get 2 months worth of work sone in a few days  

some suggestions that have recently helped me - not sure if they will be able to help you?

- recruit a volunteer to assist with the business development (could advertise is as a volunteer placement) that way you have someone else working with you and you could always give them some of the more boring tasks and try to find more interesting tasks / projects for you. also the recruitment and management would provide a different job description for you - change can sometimes help.

- find a hobbie away from the home so you dont feel like you are stuck there all the time.

- break the day up or even the working week up so that you not working long block hours 5 days a week

- to do list rewards. give yourself a to do list and put a reward at the end of something you really really enjoy - but discipline yourself to only do the reward once you have completed the list.

- work outside when the weather is nice / sunshining

Not sure if any of that will be of any help - sorry if its not - i used some of them to help me.


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## FroggyOne (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi Redgirl.

I feel for you. I was in the similar situation. We moved across the country for my dh job. I had the new job too but it was so horrible and stressful I left it. I work from home now. But I'm all alone, not friends here at all. 
But one thing worked for me - we got a puppy last June. 
Best thing is that weather I want it or not I have to get up in the morning to feed her and go out for a walk. She keeps me sane. I don't thing constantly about having  and making a baby. I have a little madness to look atfer. I was on the path to depression before, with no reason to get up in the morning. The only down side is I have very little work done  ATM it's like having a toddler at home! We do a lot of training, puppy classes, weekends on the beach or in the nice park etc. That doesn't help with work but defo motivate you to get up in the morning. For me it's a good start. 

Find a hobby outside, joga or pilates, meditation all good for infertility and you will spend some time with people. Anything will do. 
Also I like to have a plan, it's my target. If I know I have something to do later then I try to do as much work as possible before that. Make a plan, write everything you have to do in your diary, make sure it's all doable. And stick to it. 
Days are nicer now, go outside for lunch, sit in the garden get some sunshine! Sun will make you feel better straigth away. 

fingers crossed 
frog xx


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## Ali_123 (Mar 13, 2014)

I'm self employed and I feel the same way. I was self employed long before we started trying for a family but figured I might as well stay that way for the convenience factor. I don't particularly enjoy what I do but it's fairly easy money, and I like the fact that I don't have any work related stress so I don't mind not being particularly challenged. There are definite perks to being self employed and it is very easy to work IVF around my job (good job too as we are off to Belgium for the next go), but I do think that it makes me obsess a bit more about our fertility situation (as I'm on my own so much).

In order to break up my day I always go out at lunch time for a good hour to have a walk and a potter about my town, then I feel better when I get back to work. I'm thinking about joining a yoga class or something of the sort to get out and about in the evenings as well. 

Have you thought about joining a local small businesses group? In a lot of towns there are groups of self employed people that meet for lunch/networking on a regular basis.

Oh, and make sure that you have a nice office! I've recently bought new office furniture and put some nice plants etc in my office. It looks really modern and good and is much more enjoyable to spend time in as a result. 

When I'm struggling with motivation I find that taking on more work actually helps as then you are forced to work faster/more efficiently. I also start work early so that I can have a couple of hours off in the middle of the day, and I try to finish early on Friday to give me a longer weekend.....

Make the most of the things you can't do if you have an office job:
Sleep in/get dressed a bit later
Wear whatever you like
Listen to music if it doesn't distract you
Crack on with tasks around the house when you are having a quiet day
Take long lunch breaks
Enjoy eating a nice fresh home made lunch every day
Join a class that can enhance your skills - e.g. book keeping, a language etc. 
Do an exercise class or treat yourself to something nice (e.g manicure, facial, massage) in the mid afternoon once in a while. You can always make the time up elsewhere! 

Don't forget the freedom that comes with self employment! 

Hope that helps! xx


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## Ali_123 (Mar 13, 2014)

Oh yes, and if yo unlike animals get a puppy! That will take up time and is also a good way to meet new people on walks or in training classes! x


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## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Thank you everyone - it really helps to get the replies and support.  I was having a down day today.  I'm probably a bit depressed over a long time - all fertility related.  

That's a good idea Hayden about breaking up the day.  I tend to sit at my table all day and maybe shorter blocks would help.  I also like to have rewards - at the moment a nice coffee and cake on a Friday morning and getting out is good too.  Hope we get a bit more sunshine soon!  I like the sound of your puppy Froggyone! We got 2 kittens recently so they are good fun - so I agree having a pet really helps! We might get a dog one day as I agree you have to commit to walking and therefore it gets you out! I also forced myself to walk to the post office rather than drive so I did get out a bit.  Saw a flock of starlings in a tree which was nice!

It's a good idea Ali to go out for an hour each day or start earlier and have some time off during the middle of the day.  I have to drive to our swimming pool and sometimes I feel guilty as the time adds up when I am away from my desk.  But starting earlier would mean I can go and have a swim and not worry.  I think I will go back to Yoga too - something else I stopped because of all the twisting and turning and not wanting to harm the IVF process!  

Thanks for replies - really grateful!

Red
xxx


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## FroggyOne (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi Redgirl - I'm glad to see you so positive 

Try to find fertility yoga or pilates if you are afraid of exercises. I have seen these before. 
Little gentle exercise of any sort will only help you with fertility. 

frog x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a hard time, Redgirl. It's good that you have identified you may be depressed. Have you considered taking a break from trying? Or going to your GP for access to counselling or medication? You deserve to feel good about yourself! Xx

If your mood is affecting your work, it is even more important to take action to improve it. Being self-employed adds to that pressure. You will get a lot of good ideas to try on the forum. The "anxiety" thread also contains relevant ideas.

For me, I found compartmentalising helped me focus. I give myself time to focus on the distraction (in this case, the thoughts/feelings associated with the low mood) and then I gave myself time to think/feel differently. It became easier to do this after practicing mindfulness and meditating.

Also, combat isolation! As a priority! It is a big trigger for me. You might find cognitive behaviour therapy useful, to help break your own patterns in your low mood.

Good luck!


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## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Thanks Froggyone - I will look for a gentle yoga I think as I need to get up and moving a bit more.

Handstitchedmum - thanks for pointing me to the anxiety thread - I'll have a look.  I have started mindfulness too and I just need to practice it more regularly.  But isolation is a problem and so at some point I will need address it.  It's great being self employed re. time off for treatments but you are right the pressure is there.  Thanks for your comments they are really helpful.

Red
x


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi girls

Sorry you're feeling low Red  

I'm self employed too and your suggestions ladies are really good  I work from home which has its good, and not so good, points. I find the biggest challenge by far is the lack of social interaction. I'm a writer so can spend several days in a row just working 12 hour days sat at my kitchen table!! I took on lots of writing commissions earlier in the year because I desperately needed a distraction from IF. So I filled my time with almost too much work so I was forced to meet multiple deadlines to keep my mind busy!

Friends often ask me how I keep motivated at home but I think that as long as I have deadlines (whether imposed by a client or by myself) it helps to structure the day. I agree with the idea of starting super early so you then have time to do things later in the day. I often have a long lunch break and I too force myself out for a walk come rain or shine!! I set myself tasks every Monday for the week and divide them up over the five days so I have self-imposed deadlines. Once I've completed said task for the day I get a reward - time in the garden, going out for a coffee, having a snack, watching a favourite TV programme,  or treating myself to something nice! Just little rewards like finishing before 5pm sound trivial but help to keep me motivated. I think especially when the weather is nicer it is all the incentive I need to get things done!!

It's 6 months since my last failure and it's taken a long time to feel motivated again. I'd wake every morning and wonder how on earth I was going to find the energy to work when all I wanted to do was pull the duvet over my head and hibernate. But I took one day at a time and before I knew it I cared about wanting to do a good job, and I forced myself to commit to work so I became accountable if I didn't meet a deadline!!  When I talked about rewards before,  in the early days after my failure my reward was simply allowing myself an hour or so a day that I could exclusively dedicate to thinking about IF - without judging myself or punishing myself for feeling so rubbish.  Once I'd cried, ranted and reflected I would then tell myself to think about work again for a bit. And as time has gone on I've found my need to vent my feelings has waned so I'm now more productive!! I read this idea of structured thinking in a  fertility self-help manual and found it helped me not to obsess about IVF ALL the time . Like all of us, I have dark days when I'm scared of the future but I tell myself it's okay to have a day off and that tomorrow is another day 

Sorry I've prattled on 😀   to all of us who are just trying to do the best we can in a rubbish time in our lives.

Now must go do some work 😃

X


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## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Hi Hopefulshell - that is really helpful thank  you!  I work in the creative sector - the arts and so self motivation is very important.  I have distant deadlines - I have one in September and so sometimes I find it difficult to motivate myself in the here and now.  Also I don't know whether you have do a lot of self promotion to get work - but sometimes I find it very tiring and IVF has knocked my confidence.

But your suggestions are really helpful.  I always found a timetable difficult to stick to and didn't like restricting myself.  But actually I have sat down this morning and done one for the week factoring in exercise and swimming etc.  I used to snatch a sandwich rather than take a long lunch as I always felt guilty at having a couple of hours off in the day which is silly as I can make up the time later on. But I am going to give it a go and see how I get on.

I love having a nice coffee somewhere and I actually like walking - so like you even if raining I am going out!

Thanks for your reply and also thank you to everyone else - it has been really helpful to have the advice.

Red
x


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

hi - i just wanted to add re the confidence issue - i had some couselling after christimas to help me talk through everything and it was pointed out to me there that because i felt like such a failure re ttc the lacking confidence in my own ability was spilling over into other aspects of my life.

to try and combat this i congratulated myself everytime i did something; no matter how small - even getting out of bed, doing house work, leaving the house, seeing friends, going into the office etc... and little by little i began to see that i can acomplish things, i am good at things and im not a failure and over time i have started to think differently and feel a bit more like my old self again.

its crazy how much IF affects us all - just know youre not alone and its ok that youre being affected this much by it and its fantastic that you have recognised it and trying to combat it. youre really strong Redgirl - remember that on your bad days


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## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

You are right Hayden - the confidence issues caused by infertility do spill over into other areas of life!  It makes sense what you are saying re. congratulating ourselves on accomplishing small things.  I think I have become very self critical and don't see the positives etc.  Today I did a timetable and that is something I have struggled with for a while - I get over whelmed, but I'm glad I did it.

Thank you for your kind words   

Red
x


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