# Need some love / telling I am making the right choice



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hi All, 

We looked at two sets of CPR's yesterday and before hand we really felt that one of the sets would be the one for us. 

However reading the CPR's it just didn't feel right. I didn't feel excited etc I just felt nothing. They are developmentally normal attractive kids so on paper nothing really to object to. I could list rational objections but in reality I think if we really felt children were the 'ones' then we would probably cope with those things. 

I am feeling really disappointed but I am so far dealing with this stage better than I thought I would but a little fear creeps in and says maybe we'll never find what were looking for. We are reasonably open minded about age and background etc and want siblings so I don't feel we are being unrealistic. We are looking for that feeling of connection that's what I am scared we won't find.  

To keep me on track just need people to tell me we are right to tell SW no to these children on Monday. Please do be honest though I don't want you to lie to make me feel better. 

Thanks ladies you are my rocks x x x


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi.

The advice we were given was to meet some one who knows the los if we're on the fence. But at the same time we've turned down a link in the last couple of days because it wasn't right for us xx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Morning diva. When we were going through that same stage I remember asking on here 'how do you know?' 'What if we make a wrong decision?'. It was clear that when it comes to cpr's generally, there are 2 schools of thought, both equally right:
1 - those looking for that connection, the goose bumps, that spark that tells you 'these are my children '
2 - those who looked at CPR and thought there's no reason not to proceed - but that connection wasn't there, those sparks don't happen. 
Both have resulted in fantastic forever families, both have resulted in difficulties and challenges ( but isn't that life!) 

BUT and I think it's a huge BUT

Most people told me that yes ometimes theres no reason not to proceed BUT If it didn't feel right then it isnt right. This is a decision you are making for life - not just yours but the lives of your potential little ones as well. It has to be the right one. This is difficult enough anyway without added difficulties. I did have those sparks but more than anything I had a gut feeling/instinct, call it what you want that he was right or us and I believe you will feel the same. Your family is there waiting for you. They will find you and if if these littles ones weren't for you that's because the ones that will 'fit' are waiting round a different corner. Be gentle on yourself xxx


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## Jacks girl (Aug 7, 2011)

Hi hun haven't got to this stage but just from an everyday observation point of view - don't be afraid to listen to your heart - they may not be the ones for you but you will find your LOs. Trust your instinct and huge     to you xxxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey Diva,

I have different views and it depends on whether your a "love at first sight" type if person. I thought if feel the connection but after numerous profiles & cpr's I couldn't say there was a feeling. However there was nothing to say not to go forward enough to meet a LO SW. You might need to analyse why you are feeling this way and confront honesty ie is the ages/sex/history what you had in your head - again the closest I could describe is a single friend describing their ideal partner from looks, personality etc. I'm of the camp this doesn't really exist but once you know more cboyt that person you really know if they are likely which grows when you then meet them.

I really connected with one CPR but couldn't say why - but it wasn't my lil man. I connected with him after reading his profile & thinking nothing to stop us getting more info but once I saw the DVD I was very certain I wanted more info (I actually sent Ff a profile of us and how keen we were). We met with LO SW and then FC before agreeing the link and this was key for us. CPRs and profiles can be poorly written - our FC had direct input to ours but not all have.

Food for thought - what if your child/ren are out there but you disregard due to a poorly written CPR? If you did want to find more info then I would be clear with your own SW that your not yet feeling it so would like more info. Also take care not to let any lack of enthusiasm come across in case it becomes a competitive match.

Another point just came to me - how much do you trust your SW to find your LO for you? If lots then why does she/he think this could be your Los? His/her reasons might make the lil person(s) jump off the page.

This period is the hardest on two levels one us the waiting & the other is the heart wrenching
decisions.
Good luck & let us know if / when you know other reasons that's holding you back. 
Ps I'm not advocating going forward with the first link just sharing how I felt through the process as I pursued lil man after being rejected for a LO who I definitely thought was the one but based on v v limited info.
X


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

I haven't done this the nearest experience I have is going to get a kitten. I was adamant I wanted a black and white one, and the RSPCA sent me to meet her, but I couldn't connect. I felt under pressure from her fosterer to say yes, she couldn't seem to understand why I wouldn't take it but something wasn't right. I felt guilty after that.
Then I went to see more kittens, a mixed bunch, still adamant I wanted a black and white one. But some of the black and white ones were boys and I wanted a girl. When I had gone into the room, one of the tortoiseshell ones was staring right at me, I thought 'you're pretty. but you're not black and white so you aren't for me'. I spent about two hours trying to cuddle all these kittens and cats to see if any would suit. The only one I could pick up for any length of time was this tortoiseshell one, and she just purred so loudly. That was three years ago she's now climbing all over the place on my desk as I type. She wasn't at all what I set out to get, and has a completely different personality to the black and white cats I have known ( she's a minx!) but I wouldn't so much say 'I just knew' as 'she did'. 
I think if you have to say no a whole load of times then say it, and try not to feel emotionally blackmailed...when the right new family member is there I think things will fall into place. Even until she came home I was very nervous this cat wasn't the one (due to the black and white prejudice) I wish you could see me typing this she's lying on the desk with her paw on my typing arm! I had only a slight suspicion that I wouldn't end up with a black and white cat, but it turns out I should have trusted my instinct instead of spending so long focussing on what I thought I should do. 

good luck anyway


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Ahhh DIY Diva sending you lots and lots of hugs   , i havent reached this stage yet either but my adivise maybe would be go with what your heart and body says. My logic is things happen for a reason and things are meant to happen and for you they will happen when that time is right, wishing you lots of love xxx


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

I'm not at this stage yet but my advice us follow your heart - it will guide you xx


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

Hi Diva & everyone   I'm not at this stage either but it is something I have thought about. I am of the way of thinking like most others that when it is right you will just know. Like all major decisions, choosing a partner, pet or buying a house. 

I must say though Gertie's response really stuck in my head re. a poorly written CPR & asking for more info. It made me think, one seemingly insignificant missed bit of info could be the spark. It's deffinitely something I will consider when we do get to this stage, so thank you Gertie


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I knew straight away with lo. He was the third CPR we saw. The first one like you there were a no of things I could say were an issue but I could have got over them for the right child. With the second the BP's were too close but to be honest I was relieved as again she didn't feel like the right one. In fact lo has probably more uncertainties than the others but I don't care as he is mine and I love him whatever the future holds. Things looking very positive at the moment though.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you so much for all the wonderful thoughts and advice. Reading it all has made me sure that I am making the right decision and these LO's are not for me.

I think day to day I am a very rational person but when it comes to the big decisions something in my gut tells me what to do. It's a part of my body I swear only exists on these occasions. 

When I got married everyone - work colleagues,  hotel staff, hairdresser, beautician all said you are the calmest bride I have ever seen. That was because it was probably the only decision I had ever made up until that point where I was absolutely certain beyond anything that I was making the right choice. Knowing that gave me a real calm much calmer than I am in day to day life where I am constantly questioning things. 

I think I need that place deep inside to tell me this is the right thing for me. Much as that goes against the grain of my day to day rational weigh it up unemotionally self that is how I make the serious choices and it has never steered me wrong so far. 

Thank you all x x x x


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi,

We were in the same position early on, we couldn't find a reason to say no but I didn't feel a connection. in the end we didnt know what it felt like to find our LOs so assumed how we felt was right, so decided to proceed, we were waiting for a yes from their sw but in the meantime our sw continued to send us profiles....one was our children, the day I saw a profile that made me cry and excited was the day the initial link felt wrong, the same day she said she wanted to proceed, at this point I decided that although they were 'easy/straightforward' they deserved more than being second choice for us when then could be first choice for someone else..and I told the sw this. 

I knew 100% that our kids were for us, my head and heart said yes, I firmly believe that both your head and heart make the final choice and if your heart is not in this then wait....you will know when you have found your LO's.

Good luck x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks ddct good to know x x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Diva, a month after approval our SW rung about a CPR. I spent the whole day in a state of tremendous excitement. It was a little boy, he sounded perfect, there was another baby on the way....just what I wanted.

Then I saw the CPR with the photo and my heart sank. I felt nothing. Zilch. I felt so 'nothing' that I didn't even read the rest of the CPR, just a few pages, skimmed the rest. I was gutted. I'd thought I'd see it and suddenly know. Well I did know...but it wasn't a yes.

When she rung 3 months later about our pixie, I had the weirdest feeling. I felt dizzy and lighthearted. We'd planned - even decorated - for a boy. Yet here she was telling us about a girl?! And why on earth did it feel right when I'd told the whole world we were going to adopt a boy? The minute I saw that profile, my eyes glazed, my head was all fuzzy, but I knew the eyes looking out at me from the profile were those of my daughter. 

Like you, when I got married, I knew it was right....I did have jitters just before but not about DH, more that he might not like my dress!! We got engaged and married within 6 weeks after a whirlwind relationship. I knew he was the man for me; and 8 years on, more than ever he is the man for me.

Some people don't get 'the feeling' but they tend to be people who don't get 'feelings' generally. If you are a 'gut feeling' person, and I absolutely am, go with it and wait for your gut to tell you. Because if those littlies aren't for you, it's because they have a match waiting for them that is perfect for them, and you can't deny them that .... Likewise, your perfect match is also waiting and when you find it you'll be so happy you waited, and relieved you didn't rush it and go with the wrong child(ren).

Go with your instinct but if it doesn't feel right, I'm going to stick my neck out and say it isn't.

Xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you Elf. X x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

GERTIE179 said:


> I have different views and it depends on whether your a "love at first sight" type if person.


i'm a bit like Gertie.

we only saw one PAR. loads of positives, but nothing that said 'wow!' to me. if anything my very first reaction was 'good lord no!' when i saw his name, poor little chap 

met his SW, saw a (admittedly not very good) picture and though 'yeah he's cute' but still no 'falling in love.'

had his appreciation day, his FC showed us some video of him, which for the first time made me feel 'wow, he's lovely' but again, still no mega attachment.

even up to panel, and possibly intros i still wasn't hopelessly excited.

i think for me though, i'm the type of person who doesn't get excited about _anything_ until its actually happening. even holidays...mr c used to be mad with excitment looking forward to it, i never was. but i'd love it when i got there.

and this extended to our child. who knew? maybe for me too its a slight defence mechanism thing. i think at every stage i kind of waited for something to go wrong, we'd had such a bad time...

weeks on and i'm so convinced we made the right decision. our boy is lovely, and i love him so much 

but had i gone with the consensus on this thread, we would have sent him packing...

just to put the other side of the arguement. sometimes head does win over heart


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Katie C - I'm like you - especially re the name "Good Lord, no!" hee hee... 



Didn't really warm to the photo or CPR ... until I read what the FCs had written about her personality and I thought "That could be describing me!"

Since then it's been increasing excitement (and nerves) about meeting my daughter. 

Somehow, she's just 'mine'.  

Eeeeep. 

SummerTilly


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks ladies.  Interesting and very helpful hearing others feelings.  X x


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

DIY we are in the same boat , I think I need to 'feel' something , and I'm going to wait until I do


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

This is a really good topic.  We haven't had any profiles yet which is sending me round the bend, but at the same time, I am terrified of getting any in case I don't feel an instant reaction either positive or negative.  I think I am a gut reaction person but will have to see how I feel when we get our first profile


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think a lot of it depends on where you live SQ and how they work.  Our area has a kind of computer system that throws potential matches together based on your tick boxes. So that gives you potential profiles.  

Now I think we'll have a long wait while search gets more specific based on what we have said in response to stuff. 

Other areas seem to be more kind of find absolutely brilliant matches before approaching adopters.  Hope you hear soon.  You must be going away really soon now that will be just what you need x x


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Hello DIY, I'm way behind in the process and know now is probably a little late to be of help here BUT I strongly believe that a couple of the other ladies are right in that a lot depends on what type of person you are... a 'gut' girl or a 'mind' girl. For me my gut wins every time, I have no doubt I will wobble on the way and have uncertainties but I also deeply believe if we are lucky enough to get as far as you we will 'KNOW' when the right profile comes up, I'm also very open to the fact the right child might surprise me (in terms of being outside what we think we can handle/want) more than an invisible hammer xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks bubble hope that you are getting on really well x x


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