# 42, confused and feeling lost



## girlwtk (Jul 13, 2016)

Hi everyone. I'm new here and was hoping you lovely ladies would provide me with your thoughts please. 

I've just turned 42 and after a whole bunch of unsuccessful relationships I am now single.  I have always wanted to be a mother and am now worried that i'm running out of time.  

I recently decided to look into going it alone with IUI and went to the CRGW for an AMH test which has come back as 7.2 which i'm told is normal for my age by the nurse there. I recently talked through my fears and potential plan with my mother who i'm very close to and she has given me a firm opinion on it not being possible. She raised me as a single mother and struggled considerably and is now very opinionated that i can't do this alone for practical and financial reasons. I work for a law firm earning just short of £28,000 but have no savings to speak of having recently spent those rehoming myself twice in a year following the break up of a toxic relationship with my fiancé and having to start out again.  

I know that it would be incredibly hard to do this alone being in the financial situation that I am, but cannot bring myself to give up on the one thing that I've always wanted all of my adult life. 

To fund the cost of the IUI I would have to take out a loan which makes things a little more difficult but I have recently received a promotion in work which means i should be getting a raise in the next couple of months of around £2,000 annually. 

So what i'm asking is, because of the financial difficulties should I just give up on the idea or should I go through with what my heart really wants and just find a way to manage, so to speak?

I'd be really grateful to hear your thoughts as my friends are being completely supportive whereas my mother is completely against me doing this, saying that the thought makes her feel physically sick with worry for me.

Thank you all in advance.


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## Rebecca_747 (Jan 19, 2016)

Hello lovely...

Just want to put your mind at rest.  I too am 42 and single.  After a mc with me ex and dumping him a few months later, I decided to have a baby on my own.  I won't bore you with it all but i've just had my 5th IUI.  The 1st worked but sadly I had a mc 8 weeks later and the other 3 didn't even take.  My mum decided to help me with 1 round of IVF.  I was due in this morning for egg collection but got a horrible shock and was told i'd already ovulated.  It happened sometime in the night.  So I decided after all the drugs i'd taken and had fairly good egg growth (bigger than the last rounds), I went for another IUI.  All i'm going to say to you is, if that's what you really want and like me, you can't see yourself not being complete without a baby, then go for it.  You have a good job and earn more than I do.  You have the rest of your life to pay off debt but you don't have the rest of your life to have a baby.  If things don't work out for me this time, at least I can go to my grave saying I gave it a go.  Please think about what i've said and do what YOU think is right.  Your mum will change her way of thinking when she's holding her grandchild and i'm sure she's just thinking you of.  If you ever want to talk, i'm here.  It's nice to know other people in the same boat.

Good luck with whatever you decide, it's not easy either way....

Rebecca xxx


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## Daisyboo1203 (Jul 23, 2015)

If you want to do it alone, do it! You want to do this, not your mum! Respect her opinion, but it is just that. 
The world is a very different place from when she raised you. Single unemployed teenagers manage it, you'll be fine!! 

I am 42, decided about a year and a half ago to do it alone. I went to Cyprus for IVF using donor sperm from Cryos (clinic arranged that)
I'm now 33 weeks pregnant with twins!!  
It will be a struggle, but one that I think will also be amazing! I'm not the first and won't be the last single mother. 
With ******** groups I have bought nearly everything second hand in amazing condition. Baby stuff doesn't last long so you can find amazing bargains to help you save money.
My mum has asked about the father and I told her he's not involved. She worried, but has now stopped asking! She will definitely not ask when she's got babies to cuddle! 

I would definitely look into going overseas, cheaper and they throw a lot more at it than in the uk so have better success rates. 

I wish you the best xxx


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## girlwtk (Jul 13, 2016)

Hi and thank you both for your replies!

Can I ask which clinic you went to in Cyprus please and is it worth going abroad if it's for IUI rather than IVF? Thank you so much for your comments both!
xx


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## Daisyboo1203 (Jul 23, 2015)

I went to Cyprus IVF Centre (Team Miracle) in north Cyprus. They are lovely!

I wouldn't go there for IUI. I didn't bother with IUI I went straight for IVF, there seemed to be a better success rate. 
IVF cuts out that 'will the sperm meet the egg?' As they inject the sperm into the egg using ICSI. 

I don't know how much IUI costs, but I am not rich either. I felt IVF gave better odds, and in Cyprus is a much better price than the uk. And you can have a little holiday!!! 

Good luck with your plans!


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## janieliz (Jul 25, 2014)

Hi,

I felt compelled to write as my mum was dead against me doing this initially, for many of the same reasons. She was a single mum, she was worried how I would cope etc. However, my Mum was making it about her, her worry, her anxiety. My mum did come round and is now massively supportive. You have to do this for you, I was 37 when i had my daughter in January and I decided that i needed to travel the path of least regret. Aged 50, would I have regretted not having children, it was a big fat yes. It is totally possible. I was freelance and also working as musician when I got pregnant, you could definitely do it on £28,000, it would be harder if you were living in London but do-able. I know sometimes shudder at the thought of not having my daughter. I live on my own 300 miles away from my family and it is fine. 
I had IVF as I felt IUI was too hit and miss. I went abroad to Greece and it was considerably cheaper. You have to live with your decision, not your Mum. She has had children. When you have a child by yourself there is no bitterness from a broken relationship, I have found it an incredibly positive experience.

x


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## Daisyboo1203 (Jul 23, 2015)

Interesting that we all were brought up by single mothers. 
I agree completely with janieliz. 
Our mothers care for us and worry about our decisions, but it is different now. And it is your life, live it how you want. Your mum will come round


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## Lily0750 (Aug 1, 2015)

Hi Girlwtk,

If your mother doesn't want you to blame her later for not having children or if you don't want to blame your mother, go for it.


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## katkat2014 (Nov 28, 2014)

Hey girlwtk, if you do go ahead then have a look at clinics abroad where iui costs just something like EUR130 ish plus about EUR200 for donor sperm... you fly over the day before and back the same day and could do that a few months in a row without taking too much time off


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## girlwtk (Jul 13, 2016)

Thank you everyone


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## Rebecca_747 (Jan 19, 2016)

Forgot to say in my post.  My friend who's the same age as me went to a clinic in Spain, used donor eggs and sperm after failed IVF's in the uk and she now has beautiful twin baby girls.  I'm definitely considering it if things don't work out this time and have IVF there x


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## sammy75 (Jun 12, 2010)

Hi everyone..just wondered if the payment for ivf all gets payed up front or at the time of egg collection as maybe that could break down the cost so it wouldnt all have to be paid at once..im sure when i done my ivf years ago i wasnt billed for the tests..drugs and ivf altogether.

Good luck to you all with your journey to becoming parents..sam.


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

Sammy - it will vary from clinic to clinic.  At mc as they clinic I have paid for bloods etc as  they have been done.  Drugs was paid directly to drug company.  Ivf cost  needed to be paid before ec - usually at baseline.  

Girlwtk -  It would be nice to have your  support but I would say you need to do what is right for you, and that you won't regret later. You have a good salary, probably get a good maternity package, and as others have said things can be bought quite cheaply on selling sites. 

I am  in a different situation, but will similarities. I am also 42 (but not for long ) and at CRGW.  I am married and have a 5 yr old dd from our first icsi cycle  Although she hasn't said as  much, I don't think my mum understands a why we are trying for a sibling.  I think she sees it as we have one child, both working (I do part time 27 hrs per week), not getting any younger, so we should leave alone.  She doesn't understand the process either, but doesn't really try to as it baffles her - I still tell her what is happening anyway though. I am lucky in that I find it easy to talk to my mother in law (it is not unusual for me to  chat with her a few times a day, and we will phone each other for no specific reason).  As she adopted  before having DH, I think she understands a bit more.  At the end of the day we have told both of them what we are doing, we have to take in mind their opinion ( we use both my parents and MIL for childcare after school and would probably ask them to help with a sibling), but  the decision has been made by DH and myself.

Not an easy situation, but if I  were you I would go for it. 

Whether you choose iui or ivf, uk or abroad  I wouldn't know where to start.  Iui would be cheaper and if nothing wrong with you may well work.    IVF may be seen as a better chance, but costs more and may not be needed.  IUI can sometimes give useful info for a second cycle if needed.  Our first cycle started as iui to see how I responded (funded and didn't count towards the one ivf we could have at the time).  I ended up over responding and converting over to icf/icsi and had icsi on the day.

Good luck with whatever you choose.


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