# Can I do this?? I'm not sure...



## EssieJean

Hi ladies,

Not been on FF since my last loss in February, 3rd ectopic - cornual ectopic.  Life has been miserable, still is. Physically I think I've pretty much recovered, mentally and emotionally, not quite. 

I want to pour out my heart at this stage but the post would be way too long so I'm really trying to focus here  

Basically DH and I can't decide whether to try again; we've made pros and cons lists, gone away to try and come to a decision countless times, tried living life as a childless couple and I use the term 'living' loosely as quite frankly we haven't done much of that, I'm in counselling which has opened a can of worms and confused me even more. 

Age - this is a biggy.  we've never had children so very much stuck in our ways. I crave change but at the same time afraid of it. I'm afraid of standing still but also afraid of moving forward    We're both scared of being old parents and bringing up a child in our 70's but still want a family . I feel so exhausted all the time I can't see myself being able to cope. IF has destroyed the person I was and I wonder whether I will ever see her again. I have panic attacks at the thought of going out anywhere other than work and can feel myself desperately thinking of an excuse as soon as I'm invited anywhere.  I suspect the exhaustion comes from my depressive state, years of trying, physical and emotional pain... I just feel like I constantly have a heavy rucksack on my back. But the nit being able to go out..that's a new one on me  

Health - DH terrified of losing me after my last dangerous ectopic. He's terrified, as am I, of going to that first scan. We've spent so many times at the local epu only to hear those dreaded words..I'm sorry it's not good news.  Oh, tears fall down my face now at the memories and the thought if that happening again   

Moving on.... we change our minds from day to day, one day we say we'll do it although the excitement isn't there as previous cycles, the next day we're scared to death at the prison to if the above.  It's torturous and my brain hurts as this has been going on for months, all the changing of minds.

My parents have very kindly offered to fund a cycle..I know this is what they want more than anything.. family life hasn't been a happy one with lots of family stuff going on which I won't get into here. As we've spent well over 40 grand on private paying cycles this will go a long way to alleviate some of the stress.

Where we are now.. I came up with the idea of booking dates for another cycle and as it gets nearer, gauge how we feel about it..whether we feel excited again and enthused or whether the very thought terrifies us or I decide I just can't put myself through it anymore.. at the moment I feel nervous because we're really forcing ourselves to make a decision either way. I just didn't want to be passing yet another birthday and then having to start if we wanted to go ahead. This way, there'll be no delay. 

I really appreciate anybody reading this and any views you may have.  We feel so lost at sea, isolated. I can't tell friends or work colleagues about what we are thinking because I'm not sure if the reaction.  I know no one can make the decision for us but it's helped me being able to write some of my thoughts down.

I guess I'm just looking for support and encouraging words..... 

Hugs and good luck to all

Essie xx


----------



## Clara01

Essie   I just wanted to send you a HUGE hug! I have followed your story and I am so truly sorry for all the pain you had to face in this horrible journey.   I feel for you. Like you, I cannot imagine my life without children and yet I feel like I am too old and maybe even too bitter... it's a bit like.... like I have "lost my train" (not sure if my words do make sense as I am Italian, sorry).   DH and I decided to stop last year... we were too brokenhearted. But now that both my parents are ill... I just have to try one last time and hope with all my heart.   I do not want to look back and regret not having tried one more time.   I bet your poor DH is terrified of losing you, but maybe your should get this new chance your parents are kindly offering you?   Of course, only you and DH knows what's right for you.     Best of Luck!


----------



## Maria00

I'm so sorry to have read of the heartache you've endured but I wish the best of luck and much joy in your future!


----------



## Altai

I am so sorry for what you've going through. 
Hopefully you'll find strength to make a decision you'd be at peace  with. 
Have ever thought about surrogacy? I've seen and  read that Ukrainian clinics very reasonably priced. 
Could it be an option for you? 
Wishing you all the best


----------



## bundles

Essie my lovely   I want to say it's good to see you back, but you know what I mean. You also know what I think and you know that I will be with you every step of the way if you decide to continue   There are some people that should have children, and you are definitely one of them. I think booking it & then seeing how you feel is a good idea. Where would you go ? Back to Gennet ?
Re being old, they don't come much older than me    I will be 52 in a couple of weeks. DD is now at school & DS is running me ragged but I wouldn't have it any other way. I watched a docu on menopause the other day & apparently we need less sleep then anyway !! I think any physical issues (for me stiff joints) are far outweighed by the love and experience you will give your children. Obviously I can't go back & have them 10 years younger but would I do it again, knowing how I feel now ? Hell yes, in an instant !! You do cope, and you're rewarded every day for coping which makes it easier to do even more. It is a labour of love, literally. However, I am known for my over-enthusiasm (as a typical Sagittarius   ) and I'm aware that only you can know if you could cope with the actual toll of cycling again. But I do know that plenty here will have your back   

Big hugs xxx

PS I will get around to replying, it's been mad x


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you ladies 

*Clara*..thank you for your kind words..I'm sorry you've had to read my story without a happy ending... yet (maybe). I'm sorry for your suffering too. It's so hard isn't it when you feel time has passed you by, watching friends have children and move on with their lives while you stay the same still yearning for a child but having to accept that it may not happen. Those months where we tried living with the thought of being childless were the most sombre and griefstricken times. I asked myself (still do) what's the point of me? Why am I here? I've done the same job for 30 years and I'm not sure I can do anything else. IVF has stripped me of my confidence. The years ahead scare me to death if this is it. You're right about not having regrets and if my parents are offering to fund may be that's happened for a reason . Good luck with your next cycle.. I really do hope it is the one and that your parents' health improves so they can enjoy their grandchild.. Thank you Clara.. oh and your words do make sense, your English is perfect 

Thank you *Maria* .. hope all is well with you 

*Altai*, thank you too. Yes we've thought about adoption and surrogacy..although Ive gone through the grief of not being able to have a biological child and accepted that some time should, I feel surrogacy for me is a step too much.. it wasn't dismissed immediately and I do appreciate your suggestion. Looks like you've been on quite a journey yourself.. I'm not sure from your signature whether you're cycling, but all the best on your journey 

Hey *Bundles*  Haha yes I know exactly what you think  And regarding age, well, Bundles your superwoman, you're a top act to follow . I do really appreciate, as you know, your input and I'm really grateful for your kind words and encouragement. It is the fear of being in my 60's and 70's with a teen, and the fact all my cousins' children are all grown up and having children themselves!! Yes we'd go back to Gennet. I did think about serum because of its reputation, but if we do go ahead then I need to be somewhere familiar to take the pressure off, besides I know I can get pregnant and as I've said before there's no cure for ectopic, so I think it's a numbers game for us and changing clinic wouldn't benefit us. I do feel that part of the exhaustion is having this hang over our heads for so long..perhaps if/when we start tx our energy and enthusiasm will follow  

Xx


----------



## Miss Sunshine22

Hi Essie

Huge   to you.  You have been through so much, it's no wonder you are conflicted. It's such a tough and difficult decision that only you will know the answer to. However, the fact that you have tried to move on, came back to asking yourself "shall we try again?" and booked a cycle that you may or may not do, indicates to me that you're definitely not in the "no more" camp, if that makes sense? My thoughts are, if you were definitely saying "no more", these would not be questions you would be asking of yourself. So, you have doubts .... but if you were to not go ahead, would these doubts persist for life or go away?

As for age, I know how you feel, as I worry about that too. However, I then think about all the uncertainties in life (eg some lose their parents at a very young age, your health can decline at any age) so I think there's no point worrying about a future I can't control and whether age will impact on things. DHs Mum was 45 yrs old when she had him, and she is a healthy 88 yr old now. On the other hand, I had a school friend who tragically lost both her parents (who were in their 40s) due to illness before she was 16 yrs old. 

I hope you find the right answers for you


----------



## deblovescats

Essie sweetheart - I have also followed your story with sorrow, and I feel so sad for you. Like Bundles says, you are meant to be  a mum, you have just had a load of grief getting there. I am so glad you are feeling better healthwise. Whatever you decide to do is the right decision for you, don't rush a decision. I don't think there's any harm into looking into another cycle but don't put pressure on yourself.
As for age, we older mums have lots to give - experience, security, love +++ after all, it's taken us a lot longer to get there and a lot more thought put into it. Don't worry too much about the age. Obviously I've thought long and hard about it, and if I could have done, would have had children earlier, but was never lucky in meeting my soulmate, that's why I made the difficult decision to go it alone - though I live in hope of meeting him some day! My mum was 38 when she had me and 40 when she had my sister, and my dad was 7 years older than her. My grandparents - 3 lived to 92 and one was 83. My mum is now a relatively fit 87 year old and her sister a very active 90! So it can happen. I'll do my best to be as fit as possible. I run around after my toddler at groups more than some of the younger mums! And I can still get on the floor with him! 
As you can see from my profile, I had DS at 47, 46 when I had the cycle, and now have a sibling this October, my beautiful Ice Princess from a FET from same cycle as DS. I was 48 when had the cycle, 49 when gave birth to DD. And I still have 2 frosties in storage so may even go back for them! It's hard juggling a toddler and new baby, but it would be whatever the age.
Don't let age put you off trying, although I know you have lots of other decisions to make.
Good luck and I hope to be reading a positive story for you soon!
Deb


----------



## DippyGirl

Essie  I have had a similar experiences to you, etc on and off since 2002, my last ever final, goodbye FET resulted in a BFP and then a heartbeat and then a miscarriage at 10 weeks.  it was a massive shock and for me to actually get the BFP and it is difficult to walk away after getting so close to something that I have given my all to try to achieve all these years.  I liken walking away from ttc as similar to walking away from a romance where the other party keeps leaving you for someone else and breaking your heart, at some stage you just have to walk away, you have to stop before it completely destroys your heart, you have to walk away because you feel stupid for taking them back every single time.  Self preservation.... probably completely natural reaction and we all have to stop at some stage but ....

Reading your post it does sound like this really would be the final ever make or break last cycle.... it is wonderful of your parents to offer to fund a cycle.  If you did the cycle and it worked and you got your baby, how would you feel?  If you did the cycle and it ended badly would you really feel any worse than you do now? 

is it possible that you and DH could muster one last puff of ttc breath and just flipping go for it?  One last final try? but all the time maybe working with your counsellor about your plan B life? get a dog to take on walks, help you to get through 2ww and beyond?  there is something about that last shot, you know you are done with ivf so that you are almost looking forward to just getting it over with and getting on with your life?  who knows?  maybe this will be the one?  either way nobody can ever say you didn't try your best and some. xxx


----------



## Coolish

Essie - sending you hugs. Please don't worry about being an older mum. I've always had more energy than my NCT group and they were between 10 and 20 years younger than me. Most people I went to school with have several grandkids now. That used to really depress me on ********. 

Would a bit of investigation help? You mention Serum but that Gennet would be familiar so take the pressure off. Why not contact Serum and see is Penny could offer any advice. There's a wealth of info on here about Serum and Athens that took the pressure off changing clinics for me. But go with what you feel will give you the best chances - certainly the less stress the better. 

It's so hard to try and pick yourself up after what you and DH have been through xx


----------



## mandalay

Just wanted to say the same as the other ladies and wish you well. You are blessed with a loving partner and supportive parents. I hope 2017 will be your year xx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you all for your supportive and encouraging replies, which I've read over and over. its also nice to see some familiar names, though would prefer us all to be chatting on the pregnancy boards....

*Miss* *Sunshine*..yes you are making sense, if I was in the no more camp I'm sure I would know for certain, without doubt. Waivering, trying to decide perhaps is indicative that I do really want to do another cycle but it's the fear of losing again, another ectopic, more than age that worries me... oh I don't know, I have a tendency to fast forward in situations where I'm afraid and look too far into the future..I need to learn to reign myself in to the present day and live in the moment. You make a good point about age. That is so true. I need to hold onto that. I hope you get your BFP soon  EDIT: just seen you're on 2ww.. good luck for 14th 

Hi *Debs*.. whenever I need a bit of encouragement about having a baby in late 40's your posts are those I seek out. I think you're amazing and such an inspiration. I think for me personally it comes down to confidence, and that's been chipped away over the years. I have no doubt I have a heart full of love to give and being a Capricorn I'm quite stubborn and would make it my life's work to make sure I do the best job possible (I'm actually sighing as I type that - it's the mental exhaustion). It's been almost a year since our last treatment so it's the longest I've gone between cycles..I think I'm finding it harder to get back on the rollercoaster and finding it hard to ever think we could ever get a different outcome. I need a huge dollop of self belief! . Your LO's sound like they keep you on your toes and still you think of going back for FET.. that's so great..you do make me see how different my life could be and in a good way.. perhaps it's a leap of faith I need to take.. 

*Dippygirl*, I'm sorry you've suffered such painful losses..and yes it is like walking away from a one-way romance. Mr Essie read your post and it struck a chord with him too and said it is a good way of putting it. We've returned to treatment so many times and with each loss it's taken longer to heal.. I think that's why I'm struggling so much now. And I'm fearful of how long (if ever) it will take my heart and body to recover if I lose another pregnancy. It concerns me that there is nothing different I can do, am I just setting myself up for another loss?? Oh how angry we would be if it happened again.. you mention self preservation, I think that's where I'm at now, but with the desire to still have a family..confused.com. If we did cycle and it worked we would be elated beyond words, still scared, but who isn't. The thought brings a soft smile to my face.. If it failed, I would just feel as I have for the last several years, but then I would have to give myself closure because I just can't carry on living as I have.. well, not living, just existing. Mr Essie and I deserve better than just existing so I would have to take deep breaths and get on with it. I would prefer the former scenario.. Thank you Dippy for taking the time to respond  I'm not sure where you're at but hope your journey ends with your ultimate dream 

Hi *Cooljules*, another familiar FF  Seeing friends and family my age with grandkids is a bitter pill to swallow.. I feel angry that I wasn't able to have children when they did so we could all grow together.. now if any cycle was to work my child would be younger than their children's children!! Perhaps those things shouldn't be dwelled upon. Like Debs you also inspire me. I honestly don't think anymore investigative procedures would help me. I had another hysteroscopy in July, under GA, and they found nothing, in fact they said everything looked normal. They couldn't do a biopsy because my womb was "too dry", but they didn't think they would find anything that would explain the ectopics as there just isn't anything you can do to prevent them. That was the frustrating bit..Mr Essie and I both said as we walked into hospital that we prayed they would find something wrong. At least then it could be treated. Or to be told I couldn't possibly carry a baby..as hard as it would be, we would have closure. I don't seem to have a problem getting pregnant, just keeping it. I was found with Lupus Anti Coagulant so I'm treated for that, but nothing else has been detected although tested for. I do think though that going back to a Gennet is best thing for us stress wise...in my situation I think if it's going to work it'll work anywhere..I'm of the thinking it's a numbers game with me, although I know everyone's situation is different.

*Mandalay*, thank you for your reply. Mr Essie is always chuffed when he gets a mention  and yes for him and my parents I am blessed  All the best to you too..

Thanks all of you lovely ladies. I've not been on for a while so forgive my ramblings..your posts really help me to think things through 

Essie xx


----------



## rubyring

Hi EssieJean,
I am more of a lurker than a poster but wanted to reply.


I remember reading about your horrible experience and wondering how you were. I'm so sorry. As you can see from my signature I had some pretty bad times myself back in 2010. I managed to get a severe pelvic infection probably from the egg collection. I had/have an endometrioma on/in my right ovary which they think was caught at egg collection and basically spiralled into this huge infection. Not helped by the low dose steroids I was on and the endo I apparently have. I can totally relate about your DH being scared, mine is too. I'm glad to hear that physically things are much better for you. I remember being told to wait a year by doctors. Even after a year I thought I was OK but still tired very easily. It really took about 2 years for me to recover. I didn't really realise how ill I had been.


So I was forced to have lots of time before moving to DE. I shouldn't worry too much about waiting a year, if you need the time then take it. It's nice to step away for a bit I think. 
I questioned DE - is it ethical for me to ask someone to have EC when I got so ill? In the end I was reassured that no donor would be allowed to donate if they had an endometrioma. I hope that's true. My DH wasn't happy about DE, still isn't very happy. You are lucky your DH sounds to be with you on all of this which is wonderful. It took me until 2014 to manage to get to a consultation with my DH in Spain. I had already had a consultation on my own here in London, and things were not good between us. I think he finally gave in because he could see I wasn't going to give up and he didn't want me to resent him if I couldn't try. He's worried, as am I, when do you say that's enough? I hope I'll know. But also my age is very soon going to be a problem - I'm 49, and after 50 most clinics won't treat you.


I worry about my age with treatment, with a pregnancy, and of course as a parent. I can't imagine it! Even writing that was hard. And my DH is older. Maybe I'm being ridiculous even still trying. I often feel ridiculous. But again you're fortunate having your DH and parents support.


One thing I wanted to suggest. I know going back to the same clinic is easy and familiar. But maybe a change would be good? I personally wouldn't go to Serum - I know there are many on FF who have had success and love the clinic, but it just doesn't sound right for me - I don't want tons of antibiotics and I definitely don't want immune treatment!
I've changed clinics, I just got the feeling my old clinic had no suggestions other than try again. I couldn't have surgery for hydrosalpinx due to all my previous surgery, and then the clinic didn't think the essure device was a good idea either! So I couldn't get any sense out of them. They did get me pregnant though which is still amazing to me, and there are many glowing reports here on FF. But I'm now going through Ruth Pellow at IVF Treatment Abroad. So I would suggest sending her an email and then having a chat with her on the phone. I'm sure you wouldn't be obliged to go any further if you didn't want to, and she's very easy to talk to. Sometimes a change is good? It's interesting that the drugs protocol is slightly different this time, who knows if the results will be any better! 
Good luck xx


----------



## deblovescats

Thanks Essie for your kind words. It is rewarding parenting two little ones, but sometimes exhausting, but I don't regret it. I just hope all you lovely ladies get the chance to be the wonderful mummies you will be! Friends and colleagues all think I look so much younger, fitter and happier - so it does have its positives! When James smiles and giggles, I just love it, and Lydia is such a calm baby and already smiles at me! She has her 1st immunisations next Tuesday so dreading that! 
Deb


----------



## miamiamo

I am sorry to know yr story and I am sure yr time will come soon. I can't see in yr signat, but have you been recommended doing PGD/ PGS NGS? Patricularly in the situation when you have experienced BFN and ectopic. All the luck in the world on yr journey x


----------



## EssieJean

Hi ladies,

Hi *Rubyring*, thank you for your message of support. I'm so sorry to hear about your painful journey and being so ill. It's difficult to express to anyone outside of the IVF world how scary and painful it really is. It's sad that it's only those that have gone through similar experiences who can really understand what you are going through. That's why FF is so great, just a shame that there are so many of us 

It will be a year in February since my last loss so by April my body should have recovered suitably if we decide to go ahead. Oh how I wish I could shake the fear of the age thing, sounds silly when there are so many other aspects to be afraid of that age is the one that's at the forefront of my mind. I am really really trying to get onboard Debs way of thinking though! 

Regarding DE, it shows you're a thoughtful considerate person to think about putting someone through EC when you got so ill after your experience, but these wonderful ladies have chosen that decision armed with a wealth of information and knowing what the process involves. Nothing can prepare you of course as every treatment is different to each individuals experience. I didn't have a choice as to DE sadly. I suppose I've been spared having to go through EC though. I grieved for a while for my biological child and admittedly if I think about it still feel sad, I guess that will always be there, but once I got a BFP that was it, I didn't think of it being DE, it was just my baby 100% and that was how DH felt too. In IVF the bond is made much sooner than a naturally conceived child, irrespective of whether it's DE or OE, because it literally starts from day 1. DH initially had his concerns about DE but they didn't last and totally vanished on our first BFP. He's very supportive. I'm extremely lucky. He's seen what I've put my body through physically and emotionally, and I appreciate what he's been through emotionally, trying to keep everything together for my sake.

I think you will know when enough is enough, but not until you're 'there' if you know what I mean. With this decision now being so difficult I know if we do go ahead, it will be our last sadly. We've agreed on that. The problem I will have is if we have eggs to freeze... I know from past experience when we've decided not to freeze we've changed our mind at the last minute. I can't bear to think of eggs being wasted, it will be hard, but if it's to be the last try then that's what we will have to do.

I totally hear you about being an older parent. I can't imagine it either. I can't even imagine being pregnant now! Our lives have been the same for so many years now it's hard to imagine it any other way.

We have thought some more about changing clinics but come to the decision that if it's going to work it'll work no matter where I am and we do feel a strong pull to Prague. I've spoken to various consultants and they all say the same,that they can't give any guarantees. With ectopics especially, there are no preventative measures, although I have requested if we go ahead a few tweaks such as placing only one embryo instead of two, placing it lower in the womb and using less fluid to minimise drifting.

I hope your new clinic comes up with the goods!! Everyone deserves to be a mummy if they want. All the best and good luck  I'd like to know how you get on.

*Debs*, I certainly like the sound of those positives!! Lol How did a Lydia get on with her first immunisations? I bet she took matters in her stride, just like her mummy 

Hi *Miamiamo*, thank you for your message. I'm not sure that PGD is used on donor eggs but I will enquire. Nit heard if NGS, what is that? Hope all well with you.

Essie xx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - bless you, you are one strong lady - I totally understand your concerns about being an older mum - I worried about it too, and I wondered about being pregnant in my late 40s but thankfully I had problem free pregnancies, and actually enjoyed them once I got past the early months. We older ladies have so much to offer our little ones. Lydia has her immunisations on Tuesday so thanks for your good wishes, I'm sure she will be fine. When she had her 6 week GP check, she noted that she had 'loose' hips so she's referred her for an ultra sound scan as a precaution, but she thinks she's fine. She's got a scan on Monday teatime, so It's all appointments next week. I'm hoping everything will be fine. 
Like you, Essie, I don't worry about the DE aspect now, I just think of them as my babies, and I felt that as soon as I had them implanted. I can't believe how much love I feel for them - Lydia is smiling +++ at me now which is so beautiful! 
At this time of year, I know how hard it is without children, so I hope that next Christmas, all you ladies have little ones to invite Santa to visit! 
I so hope that you feel strong enough to give it a go Essie in spring! I'm rooting for you
Deb


----------



## mandalay

Please don't be too concerned about age and how you will cope. I had two babies in my twenties and one over 50. The first year is intensely busy and tiring (but lovely) and I have felt no worse this time around. As your little one grows until the high school years when you are taxi driver and banker! No one knows how long they will live. I do think about it from time to time but I think you have a great incentive to stay fit and healthy. If it makes you feel any better, I will do it again over 50 if my DH allows it! The only thing I do strongly believe is that you should be as fit as you can manage before the pregnancy as it does help. I hope you go for it Essie. I have known many others who have succeeded at 6th or 7th attempt. xx

I meant to say that as your little one grows, it gets less and less tiring. Sorry.


----------



## RB76

Hi Essie

I've been meaning to post for ages, although I don't really have any words of great wisdom to be honest. One thing that never actually happened to me during our years of infertility and Ivf was miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy etc. We just had loads of loads of negatives and then of course when I finally did get pregnant it was all very dramatic from 23 weeks onwards. So I can't fully appreciate the fear that must come from that kind of experience. I do know that I personally can't go through treatment again as the risk to myself is too much now that I'm a mum as well. We looked into it, but I have now ruled it out.

I do wonder though would you have even written this post if there wasn't a niggling part of you that really wants to try again , and if that is the case then I really think you should give it a try if you think you can and if it would be safe to (have you had an opinion from the NHS separately to Prague?). If you really wanted to stop now, I think you would know. I know 100% I won't be but of course with a child already, that's a different decision altogether.

All I can say from the 'other side' of all of this is that had I known I'd finally be in this position because I kept going, then I would just never, ever have stopped. Of course none of us have that knowledge do we and hence have to start seriously questioning it after several cycles which haven't worked out. 

I do think that ultimately you will come to your own decision however long that may take and I wish you so much luck whatever that might be. I feel so much more commonality with people on this forum than I do with the other mothers I meet now at baby groups etc. It's so damn unfair that some people are in this situation whilst others have kids and treat them badly.  X


----------



## deblovescats

RB - so sorry for your loss and your difficulties, you're one strong woman! I'm so glad you now have little one. I totally agree with you - I find so many amazing women on here who so deserve to be mums! Not like some we meet at groups, who can't even be bothered to keep an eye on their LOs and sit drinking tea while they run riot. I spend my time at groups playing with DS, and keeping an eye on DD who's only 8 weeks old! 
Essie - I do agree with RB, you must still really want to try again deep down, or you would have decided to stop trying, but I know how hard it must be for you. You will come to a decision sooner or later, and it will be the right one. You are one strong lady to come through what you have suffered. You would be such an amazing, loving mum. I am so lucky to have my little angels and they do keep me young! I was honoured to read what you put about my posts and I'm glad you feel inspired. There are drawbacks to being an older mum, and I wish I'd been in a position to have them earlier, but life didn't work out like that. I also think I had become a mum when younger and with OE, my LOs would not be them! They are so precious and perfect, I wouldn't be without them. My life feels complete with them in it! I know you worry about age, Essie, but older mums can be amazing!
AFM - I spent an anxious evening in A&E with DD - DS was home in bed asleep, mum and sister baby sat for me. She is now fine, but I was worried - she was not her usual calm, happy self, very snuffly, whingy and making a panicked cry, very sicky - she got thoroughly checked out and was given the all clear, but advised it was best to get her checked. So the worry does not stop pre birth! I


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you ladies,

I really do appreciate the input, it helps enormously.

*Mandalay*, thank you. I agree that you need to stay as fit as ever possible. My general health is ok though I could do with doing a bit of exercise. I've worked hard to lose the steroid weight from my cycles through healthy eating but motivation has been difficult to muster regarding exercise, it's a standing joke at work as I've had a printed exercise timetable from a local place on my desk since August!  Perhaps my body has needed the recovery and resting time from the trauma, but I do now need to make an effort. At my lowest points I criticise myself for not being more active and feeling lathargic, I just haven't seen the point saying I've no one to do it for, but DH points out it's the years of IVF that've taken it's toll, that makes me feel weary, that if we were to succeed a new focus, motivation and energy will kick in because we will have someone dependant on us, and because you want to. There's not a lot of times when he talks sense but I must admit this time I think he's got something.

Hi *RB*, thank you for posting, I'm sorry for your difficulties and loss. I'm so pleased though that you were blessed with your lo. I have to agree also.. even though it feels a very close call between trying again and not, the fear of not trying I don't think I'd be in this constant tug of war in my head if I was adamant about drawing a line under it. Fear of losing again aside, I think maybe it's change that scares me, even more than age. I know it would be a good change if we were to be successful, but we've just been plodding along as a couple for so very long now, I'm afraid we've got stuck in our ways. I over think things, always have. As a Capricorn I'm very cautious and sometimes it annoys the hell out of me because there's a part of me that wants to jump right in and forget the ifs and buts.

I relate to your last comment strongly.. I work in care proceedings and despair every day at the stories I hear. It's sometimes hard not to voice your anger and frustration.

How's Lydia *Debs*? What a scare! Did it happen following her immunisations? Sometimes they can make you ill. Hope all has calmed down now and you're all enjoying the build up to Christmas. Thank you for your words of encouragement..

AFM Our need to make a decision is getting scarily close.. we've received feedback from Gennet with a new protocol and prescriptions  The festive season tugs at my heart....

Merry Christmas to you all and all the very best for 2017 

I'll keep you updated..

Essie xx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Dear Essie

I came across your post by chance, and don't have time to give you the response I want just now, but will PM you.  You have had a ghastly time of it, and I am so sorry.  It's entirely understandable if you're in turmoil just now, and just wish I was there to give you a massive hug.  

Believe me, I understand where you're coming from... It took us 9x donor cycles, a MMC, and ectopic pg and several mms (the last before I even sought fertility treatment...) to get the baby we yearned for.  

And I am old too, giving birth to our DD one day shy of my 49th birthday.  

For DH and I (esp me) however, giving up on the idea of a child was worse than the nightmare of having treatments, particularly the last two.  That is NOT to say that it was an easy decision or that we could easily afford it... In a way, IF treatment is a form of high risk gambling - and I am not a player.  Although Serum was a good experience, we changed clinics for the last couple of cycles (yes, I know... more risk) and for us this paid off.  

Hopefully, we will "speak" more soon, lots of love, Sassy xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi Sassy!  Lovely to hear from you - how's motherhood?  

Thank you for replying.. I remember the cycles I went through with you and was in awe of your tenacity, strength and determination. I'm so very pleased it was all worth it in the end  

I've seen your pm and will reply soon - back at work now, but will reply as soon as I can.

Take care and Happy New Year to you all

xx


----------



## EssieJean

Quick update from me in case anyone reading...

Today I turned 48   .. a big day in more ways than one.... we're going for it!!  We decided to give our dream another chance to come true.  Lots of emotion, worry, fear but also a hint of excitement poking through the intrepidation and apprehension.

Meds have been ordered and we're going out to Prague on 13th April for ET on the 19th.

Hugs to all
Essie xx


----------



## Riley12

I'm so pleased to read this   I've read your journey for a long time and I want this for you so much. 

Happy birthday xx


----------



## EssieJean

Aw thank you so much Riley.. I really do appreciate the support   Xx


----------



## deblovescats

Sassy - glad you got your dream baby in the end. I'm so sorry that you had all the difficulties and heartache. So happy you got your positive outcome in the end. I remember your name from cycles. I was also 49 when I gave birth to my beautiful daughter! We older mums can do it! 
Essie - happy birthday - so happy you've come to a decision and that you're going to give your dream another go. I am so rooting for you - I'll be watching out for the outcome. coincidentally - You're travelling out to Prague on my mum's 88th birthday! Essie - Lydia's hip scan was fine - the GP had said she had loose hips. She is fine now after that little scare. She's also had her 1st immunisations. Christmas was lovely with two little ones. We went to a church crib service - James was a shepherd and Lydia had a starring role as Baby Jesus - she behaved perfectly - slept through it - the vicar's wife didn't need to use the stand in - a doll.


----------



## mandalay

So pleased for you, Essie!!! There are many of us here wishing for your success.  It's quite nice to bear that in mind as you do your treatment somehow. You know you made the right decision when your heart leaps at the chance that's coming up. Keep well and get going on your pregnacare vitamins! xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Thanks ladies!

*Debs*, hopefully travelling out on your mum's birthday will bring me good luck so I can join the 49 club  so pleased all is well with Lydia's hip and how wonderful she played the part of baby Jesus.. obviously meant to be. I bet James looked so cute up there on stage 

*Mandalay*, I started pregna care a few weeks ago but I've not got into the routine yet and keep missing them, perhaps now everything is booked it will seem more real and keep me focused.

As hard a decision it was, if it wasn't for all the supportive inspiring ladies on here, the decision would have been much harder to make.

Hugs to all
Essie xx


----------



## bundles

Belated Happy Birthday Essie   And I'm so pleased you're going again - as you probably could guess    If it was just down to how many of us you had willing you on you'd have quads !!! But let's just hope for one or two  

Big hugs honey xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hey Bundles, lovely to hear from you.. quads!   You know I just wouldn't be surprised if that happened to me   , my world turned on its head, spun round and shaken, but oh how wonderful  

Hope all well with you xx


----------



## morganna

Hi Essie,


I also have been off FF for a while...............just been busy!
But I always look to see if you have posted anywhere!
As I have always followed your journey.


I have purposely only read your first post, and purposely not read any responses.


Because i want this to come straight from my heart to yours.


For years and years and years (decades) i longed for a baby.


And due to reasons, it took me until i was 57 to give birth.


It was the greatest day and greatest joy i have ever experienced having my baby.


I have fostered and adopted for many many years.  But the longing to have a baby.......carry it, give birth to it, never EVER went away!! it affected my whole life, my whole being. I  breathed it, I dreamed about it, i prayed for it every day for many many years. And i always felt sad. Empty. Lost. Depressed. Different. Hubby had 2 reversals, and i tried IUI, IVF .....nothing worked. But only 3 cycles. Then he passed away.


After 3 years of grieving, i decided go to Cyprus for DE.


2 years  and 3 cycles later i got a BFP.


I would have gone on and on an on until i was 60plus to have a baby. I just HAD to have a baby. 


I feel complete now.  My baby girl has given me so much love and joy . She has given me new meaning to life.


PLEASE keep going until you get your baby.


You are unsure because you have been through so much.


I actually found a wonderful person who was a hypnotherapist but he also was a wonderful counsellor. After my husband died i was still not focused . I had to get focused!! so that i could move ahead and go and get my baby!!!


It only took a few sessions with him, but he cleared away all of the FOG!! all of the FEAR!!


And then i was back onto my MISSION to get my baby.


Please keep going!!! because i don't beleive you will be happy until you are holding your baby in your arms.


Lots of love,


Morganna xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi Morganna,

It's lovely to hear from you again.  Thank you for such a heartfelt message    I too have followed you and amazed at your strength with everything you have gone through and all that you have achieved since. You're a remarkable lady  

It's funny you should post because I've been meaning to pm you.  I've been following the Over 50's thread, I like to browse when I feel I need a little encouragement, anyway the other day I saw your post which said "Whoever is out there contemplating having a baby and being over 50...............GO FOR IT.  I am the happiest i have ever been in my entire life!" - those words really touched me and sparked something inside of me.  It was as if I was meant to see it...

Even though I turned 48 on Wednesday, marking 9 years of ttc, and despite the toll ivf has had on me, I still look remarkably young (even if I do say so myself  ), as does Mr Essie, but even if I didn't, I FEEL young, and probably fitter than I ever was in my 20's.  

Life and marriage to mr Essie aside, I've not been happy in myself for such a long time..there's rarely been laugh out loud moments, or feelings of pure joy, conscious or not, I've always felt there's been something missing.

I don't want to simply plod along in life as I have done.... I'm ready for change, so bring it on (she says tentatively)  

Thanks again Morganna not just for the message but for taking the time  

Essie xx


----------



## morganna

Essie ...........


I went on my 3rd cycle without much expectation.
And my healthy diet went out of the window!  


So alot of it was down to luck.


But i would have kept going and going and going.


Dame Julia Peyton-Jones just gave birth. She was 64   


I KNOW you will have your baby.............


its  just a question of WHEN.


And you will be the happiest person on earth.   


I will keep watching out for your progress/journey.


Lots of love,


Morganna xx


----------



## EssieJean

Thanks for the encouragement Morganna - I'm trying to stay positive but its hard not to carry some past experiences with you.  Atm, we're scared of it working, and scared of it not   but not dwelling on tx much at the moment, being kind of blasé about it.  I'm sure that will change nearer the time.. Love n Hugs xx


----------



## morganna

April is a great month to get pregnant!
I got pregnant in April!
and she arrived Xmas Day  


and i was SO ambivalent about that cycle...........afraid to even think that it might work, 
because the dissapointment is so hard.
I just felt numb with that cycle!


So i understand exactly how you are feeling.


Just go with the flow and try not to dwell on any of it too much


IF YOU CAN!!!


Love and hugs.


Morganna xx


----------



## EssieJean

1 year ago today, lost another baby angel...... feeling so sad today  

Hope I can find the strength to keep going through this cycle...I feel petrified but desperate at the same time


----------



## Riley12

Massive hugs to you   

xx


----------



## EssieJean

Aw Thank you Riley.. really appreciate the hug   Xx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - so sorry hun. Your little angel is going to send you a take home baby! Lots of virtual hugs!


----------



## bundles

Big hugs honey  

xx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you Debs and Bundles - you're very kind  

The ups and down of IF; one day you're feeling sadness and heartache over a loss, the next day you receive a donor match for your next cycle... yes, just received an offer of a donor, feeling reflective, but must press on forward.....Must believe that this can happen, and must be the one!

Hope all you lovely ladies are well.

Essie xx


----------



## Louisej29

Hi essie. 

Sending you the biggest of hugs. Is always hard when the anniversary of your angel comes round, so thinking of you. 

You CAN do this. This WILL be the one. POSITIVE Thoughts coming your way. I can't imagine how hard it must be and the range of emotions you are going through, you've been though more than most on this site but you've never given up and it's because you are meant to be a mummy. And you will be. I agree with Morganna in all that she wrote.  I don't think I would have ever stopped either. Like you I could just not see a life without holding my own baby and would have gone to any lengths and costs to find that way. I am hoping your strength courage and perseverance will finally be rewarded.  You deserve it. Keep the faith lovely lady.  

Xx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Hello Essie,
Just popped in to say hello and saw your last post.  Sending massive hugs for the anniversary of your lost angel.  I know it is not easy, but well done for finding the fortitude to carry on.  I will be praying that this time is your time - if anyone deserves happiness, it's you.
Lots of love,
Sassy xx


----------



## MyreiE

Hi Essie,

I am not a frequent poster, but as another 48 year old, I had to pop in and say good luck. I am 13 weeks pregnant after six cycles. Your journey has been much tougher than my own as I have had 4 children naturally, but I wanted to offer encouragement and let you know your fears are understandable. This last cycle was to be our last and I had resigned myself to the fact that it would not work. I was not positive about it at all! Even when I received the BFP I could not believe it. I still have some worries but day by day it is getting easier to believe that our dream is coming true. Draw on the strength of your DH, your lovely parents, and all of these amazing strong women here.  You are not alone.

Best wishes,
-M


----------



## StrawberrySundae

Hi Essie, I also wanted to wish you luck   I've not added to your thread before but can see you really deserve a happy ending. I'm hoping for one too, after 7 lots of ivf (incl embryo banking & fet cycles) and 6 MC's! Some of us have to persevere more than others. So I'd like to share some strength, positivity and good luck vibes with you! 🍀  x


----------



## EssieJean

Hey ladies

Just want yo give you all a   first of all.

Louise my lovely, thank you for your continued support and encouragement. Been feeling mixed emotions lately, honestly, they're all over the place. With the anniversary last week, a christening where I've been asked to be godmother in April, treatment and being afraid of it not working & working, it's hard to feel any excitement for the months ahead. I'm counting on drawing strength from the wonderful ladies on FF such as yourself and Morganna. 

Hi sassy, lovely to hear from you again, I remember only too well how hard you fought and hope I can find the same drive and determination to succeed. Hope parenthood is treating you well xx

Hi MyreiE, congratulations on your pregnancy   I've lost count how many times I've said this is the last time, but it really must be this time. Like you I've doomed this cycle already. I daren't think of it working because that's what we've done with each of our cycles, and look where that's got us. It gets harder to pick yourself up after each loss. By expecting it to fail perhaps I feel I'm protecting myself somehow.  Anyway, thank you for your kind words. All the best for a smooth and 'uneventful' pregnancy.

Hi StrawberrySundae, I think our paths have crossed before on FF.. thank you for popping on to wish me luck. Gosh you've been through so much lovely    Sending good luck and positive vibes back. Are you cycling at the moment? Really do wish you all the very best  

Essie xx


----------



## Positive-guin+

Hello Essie,

I don't post much these days but wanted to send you a massive hug from Australia. I understand that you must feel petrified. I'm so happy you are trying again.  You really are an inspiration.  

I have every crossed for you and Mr Essie for this cycle.  I've said a prayer for your angel.

Much love.

RXxx


----------



## EssieJean

Aw Positive-guin when i saw your name pop up it brought a smile to my face, its so lovely of you to send a message, and thank you so much for the prayer    I am petrified, to the point some days I could very easily email the clinic to pull out.  It's getting scarily close now and I'm in the midst of checking I have all my meds, just seeing them all turns my stomach.  I will march on regardless however.  Hope life and motherhood is treating you well..

xx


----------



## EssieJean

My head hurts, flitting from one decision to another on whether to go ahead.. meds have arrived and just looking at the big box and sorting them out is terrifying and overwhelming.  DH was a little grumpy this morning, not like him at all... he's a ray of sunshine normally, turns out he's wobbling too, and isn't sure if it would be best to pull out. The majority is fear for my health, and he's not sure now whether he wants to be an older dad.  He says he is concerned that he is not as enthusiastic as in previous cycles. I understand that, I feel the same.  We've had the stuffing knocked out of us and had too much time to think about the massive changes to our lives if it were to work.  We're scaring ourselves to death!  I told him he needs to be truthful to himself, and not think about how I will react or worried he'll upset me.... I love him dearly, whatever he decides, I'm just happy and grateful he's in my life.  We have talked previously and I'm sure we are on the same page... discussing things tonight again, but I'm sure before April comes round we will have changed our minds a million more times  

xx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie -  I think it's natural for you to have the wobbles after what you've both been through. DH is anxious about your health but if you do get a deserved BFP, you will be closely monitored!!! It is daunting going through meds etc, but think what is hopefully at the end of your tx. I have been worried about being an older mum - at least DH will have society congratulating him and not condemning him like they do us!


----------



## EssieJean

Thanks Debs, I agree re: condemnation!    regarding age though DH is more concerned about the effect it will have on him (us) as he (we) gets older rather than what people will say.  He's still in two minds whether he still wants parenthood now.  Funny how it can be all that you ever want then as the years roll by and all you have left is grief to look back on, you begin to wonder if it's ever meant to be...


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Dear Essie,
I think your fears are entirely natural, and possibly also a form of self-protection.  I absolutely found the last couple of treatment rounds hard - after 9x DE cycles, I kept reflecting on the (seemingly increasingly remote) likelihood of us finally getting good news - but carrying on seemed less worse than accepting a childless future.  Doubtless we would have somehow found the resources to do another cycle if this last one hadn't worked too - I was prepared to carry on until the legal cut-off point if necessary.  
As it was, we were finally blessed.  Being a mum at nearly 50 was not something that I would have planned and I do worry about my LO having older parents. Every time I look at her though, I feel close to tears with love.  Never could a child be more cherished.  My DH is likewise totally besotted, although he was having second thoughts too as the cycles rolled round and we started to wonder if this was what fate had written for us.  
I think what I am trying to say is that Miracles can happen Essie.  BUT, they are oiled by tenacity, perseverance and (in my case), a willingness for more compromise than I'd thought possible at the start of our journey.  Hang on in there.
Sending hugs
Sassy xx


----------



## Offthewall

Essie
-
Sassy - wise words xx

Essie, just wanted to let you know that we are all behind you and willing for this treatment to work this time.

After Many failed cycles, my partner was becoming disillusioned but I always had utmost confidence that one treatment would work for us, no matter how many it took!

Have faith honey, Gennet really are a pros.

Fulltank xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you so much *Sassy* and *OfftheWall* - it's lovely to hear from old 'friends' who have been there themselves and who understand...

I really do appreciate your words of kindness and encouragement. The word 'disillusioned' resonated with me, that's exactly how we feel. I am by nature stubborn in that I don't take defeat easily.. I feel like I have to dig real deep now to find that tenacity and perseverance to push along. I used to be such a positive person, and happy, that girl seems to be a lifetime away from what I am now.

I'm sure we will go ahead though. We both need to quash the idea in our heads that it's a pointless effort, and power on through.

Matters are not helped when you're clinic ask you where on your cycle are you, when you've gone through menopause at 36!  Makes me think they just spout off standard questions without looking at individual files, which in turn doesn't exactly give me confidence in them. I'm supposed to have a bleed on 2 April but I've had no contact previous to my enquiry about it. I struggle bringing on a bleed and can't take BC pill, but yet, they ask about my cycle and if I have any BC pills at home ...

Starting to feel very anxious....

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this who would understand so it's good to know I have you guys to prevent me from curling up into a ball and shutting the world out.

Thank you.

Essie xx


----------



## Louisej29

Hi essie

Have been thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. Sorry to see you are both having a few wobbles. I agree that it is totally normal and to be expected after all you have been through, and all the pain and hurt and disappointment you've endured time and time over.  Try to dig deep like you said and keep going. Hopefully this is your time and that happy positive person will resurface! X 

Not good enough with your clinic.  I would have thought better of them given the reviews they have on here. No wonder you're anxious but don't let that put uou off.  Don't shut the world out and keep on talking to everyone on here. We are all rooting for you so much.  If there is one person I want to get their take home baby it is you.  Go give that bear of yours a big hug !!  Sending lots of positive thoughts your way xxxx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Hi Essie,

I agree with Louise, it's not bloody good enough (concerning your clinic).  I have to say that this would give me the colly-wobbles too, and that whilst ultimately, it is their medical expertise that counts and not the niceties, communication is pretty damn important!!!  So don't hesitate to get on the phone if they don't answer your emails satisfactorily.  It is not fair for you to be unnerved before treatment even starts - it's stressful enough as it is.

In my opinion, stubbornness and not knowing when to quit are vastly under-estimated qualities.  Without them, I would not have had the strength to carry on and would never have had my LO.  So you go girl... x

IF does indeed turn your life upside down.  But you have been so tantalisingly close before, and there is no reason why next time won't be The time.

Hugs, Sassy xx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you ever so much Louise and Sassy -  Louise, Essie-bear is in the living room snuggled up on the bookcase - you and ELW always come to mind when I glance over  

As for Gennet - after contacting them to advise I do not cycle and asking them when I should start progynova, they have replied apologising for the cycling thing, but only advised me when to STOP progynova, not when to start it!  I'm worried now that I should have been on it already    I've sent an urgent email but I doubt I'll get a reply before weekend now......

xx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Essie - can you phone them?  You don't want to be stressing over the weekend xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi Sassy,

I couldn't ring from work but Mr Essie managed to get through. my coordinator explained and apologised she had got confused and thought I was on BC pill when she told me to stop. She is going to speak with Dr Danek and get back to me, but in meantime I'm not to worry, there's plenty of time to take meds before expected bleed.

Panic averted  

Thanks ladies

Have good weekends

Xx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Glad you were able to make contact and that there's time aplenty to sort things out.  You've enough on your mind without unnecessary extras!!!  xx


----------



## EssieJean

Thanks Sassy, I've now received instructions to start meds this Saturday, and booked a scan for tomorrow to check all ok to start. 

I guess I'm officially back on the rollercoaster


----------



## Louisej29

How did your scan go essie X


----------



## EssieJean

Hi Louise,

It went ok thanks... I think .

No cysts, no mass, no free fluid (which I did have previously). The report does say though _Hypoechoic with few calcifications seen within endocervical area_..don't know what this means. I've emailed gennet to ask. I'm presuming it's nothing untoward. The sonographer also commented on how small my womb was...commented a few times actually. She did the same last cycle... in fact she recognised me by my uterus! 

It was strange seeing a sonographer again.... was a conscious effort to think forward positively.

Thank you for asking lovely...how are you?

Xx


----------



## EssieJean

Awake all night and sat up in bed for the last 2hrs staring at my packet of progynova, deciding whether to take my first, due at 9am.  Last night I almost chucked the two massive boxes of meds in the bin and sent an email to clinic cancelling treatment... still an option. 

Anyway, despite those feelings, I've just taken the pill. 

I don't feel excitement, I feel worry that I'm doing the right thing.  We talked until the early hours, neither of us are sure we want this anymore but we are not sure where those feelings are coming from, whether it's because we really don't want the crazy life that comes with having a child anymore or fear and fatigue. I know I'm certainly tired and mostly I have zero confidence in myself.. didn't use to be the case. I'm really unhappy with my life (excluding DH) but don't have confidence to change it.  I think too much. I know that. I just don't think I've got what it takes to be a parent.  I mean, what kind of start is this when I can barely force that pill down.. it shouldn't feel like this should it?? 

Thinking about this in the middle of the night isn't a good idea but it's been a really big issue for me this week leading up today, the first day of treatment.  It's all I've been able to think of.  We've no finances left now, first time in my life I've never had a savings account, bank accounts in overdraft no spare money.. not exactly the life of stability and security one would expect at my age and certainly not one we should be bringing a child into.  What, after all this, it works and I can't bond with my DE child. This has never even been an issue before. The telling and not telling issue. I'm racing ahead now I know..and I'm waffling too much on here.. but I don't have any friends to talk to, all lost to ivf, no social life, just work and sleep. 

I wish I knew where my happiness lies... I don't want to just plod through life having never achieved anything but I can't seem to find the motivation to do anything about it.  A big part of me could right now cancel it all, sell up, downsize or buy a camper van, live on the coast and have lots of holidays whenever we want... would that make me happy? If I find the strength to keep going and the treatment cr*ps out, perhaps this could be our Plan B... 

I'm just using this page as therapy, an outlet for all my feelings, if you're reading please don't feel like you have to reply to a crazy women's ramblings


----------



## Tincancat

Hi Essie 
I've been following your story from a distance and not posted before on this thread.  You still have some hope as you have started the tablets.  Perhaps you should go with that bit of hope for now?  For years I too lurched between if I should continue or walk away and go travelling.  In my heart I knew I'd still feel unhappy and the 'what if'  questions would always stay with me.  In the end my fear of regret of not trying was greater than my fears of how I'd manage a child on my own.  Nevertheless  I grew tired of my hopes being dashed with each failure so decided my last cycle would be the end of everything.  It seems to me you are at a similar stage and this will indeed be your final cycle.  Only you can know when you truly at the end.  But you are not at the end of this journey yet.  With a break from treatment you may even revisit DE again and join the over 50s ladies.  Older parents are now much more accepted by society.  Try not to look too far ahead at the moment.  Focus on the present and see how you go.  
Good luck 
TCCx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - you are not a crazy woman. You have been through so much and you are strong although you don't feel this at the moment. It's only natural to have those last minute doubts - I know I wondered whether to take the first tablet when I had my cycle. You took the first step, but you can stop at any point if you want.
You are not a failure - you are strong. You have a wonderful DH. I feel sometimes that I've failed, as I don't have a DP and it's hard on my own, but when I get smiles from my little ones, I think no I'm not a failure. I'm doing a great job really, I just have natural doubts at times. I wonder about being an older mum, but it's a lot more common now whether society likes it or not. We are going to have to be accepted like other families are now - such as with two daddies or two mummies or single parents .... we have a lot to give. 
I've had little niggles when someone's taken me for grandma, but then people I know don't have these issues. A woman I got talking to at toddler group who was an older mum, asked whether I was going to try for no 3 !!! Made my day!! 
As for the bonding, I did wonder the first time I was pregnant, and had mad worries about what would the baby look like! All worry for nothing. He is gorgeous as is my daughter. I was looking at her smiling her gappy smile at me this morning and I thought I just love them so much, I don't even think about the DE part on the whole. I took DD to GP yesterday as she has been poorly, and GP said 'Hello beautiful'.. (TO Lydia, not to me - lol!) and I thought yes you are. Then I saw my midwife and she said she was beautiful and although she knows about DE, she just said 'She looks so much like you!' These make it all worthwhile.
I don't know which option would make you happy hun, but take your time. You still have time to do it. I don't have as much in savings as I did, but money isn't everything for children, they just need us ... 
Good luck sweetheart


----------



## morganna

Hi Essie,


I do not log onto FF much anymore because life is busy.  But when i do, i always check to see how you are doing.


You and your husband have been through SO MUCH, that you will both find it hard to understand exactly how your are feeling.  


Your fears, regarding another attempt, will cloud how you feel.  


But deep down, you know you want that baby. And you will keep going until you get your baby.


You have EACH OTHER.


My husband passed away, and i had always longed to have a baby with him................for YEARS and YEARS.  3 decades actually.


So 3 years after his passing i went for 3 cycles with team miracle and and got lucky on the 3rd cycle.


But i would have gone on and on and on until i acheived my dream.


She is 2 now and i go to bed happy and wake up happy.


Dont try to analyse how you are feeling.  Just keep going.


You WILL have your baby.


As long as you never give up.


My Love to you and your husband.


If you ever want to email or ******** ................PM me!


Morganna xxxxxx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Dear Essie,

So much of your last post could have been written by me before my last cycle.

I felt I'd sacrificed everything for a child, but was destined to be one of life's losers in the high-risk, high-cost gamble of IVF treatment.  The cash we'd sunk into it all was truly staggering.  DH is a low-earner and my (previously high-flying) career hit the dust several years ago when I declined promotion due to my family aspirations, and subsequently found myself edged out, eventually being made made redundant... Seven years of failed treatments, miscarriages and disappointment cleaned out my life savings and picked our financial future to the bone.  I was physically and mentally exhausted, several stone heavier due to all the meds and clinically depressed.  Like you, my confidence had evaporated and my circle of friends dwindled.  Socially, I found myself in no-mans' land as I'd distanced myself from those who'd had children, but no longer shared the aspirations of those who'd chosen careers.

Believe me, as that last cycle approached, my anxiety levels went through the roof.  I absolutely understand what it is like to hold that first packet of pills and think "do I really want this?".  But clearly you do.  Because deep down, you know that there is still the chance your dreams will be fulfilled.  And furthermore, even if you don't acknowledge it right now, you are one damn strong woman, or you simply wouldn't have made it this far in the first place.    

Self-protection alone can feed our doubts, but hang on in there, and please God that one day soon you will have reason to be sweating the smaller stuff of what (if anything) you plan to tell the baby, whether you will bond with it (a major worry for me btw, but as it turned out a needless one) and how you are going to afford to bring it up (a headache for many new parents).

We are all here for you.  And I truly believe that one way or another, you can and will have the baby you yearn for.

Happy to chat via PM if you need a further boost or to let off steam!

Sassy xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Dear Essie,

I have been following your story for ages. I'm sorry you are having doubts about more tx, although it's not surprising considering all you have been through. I hope you continue with your cycle...keep that little bit of hope alive. I had my twin girls on my sixth attempt at IVF. I was determined to have children...failure was just not an option for me. Financially I was completely wiped out, and I'll probably be in debt forever, but I don't care. My girls are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am 52 and single and yes it is hard, but when I see their happy little faces and they call me "Mum...Mum!" it is so worth it. The girls are double donation but I don't even think about that. They are my babies, and so many people have said they look like me.

When you have been through so many cycles that have not worked out, it is easy to become despondent and wonder if it is ever going to happen. I still sometimes imagine I'm going to wake up one day and having the babies will be a dream...just hard to believe that I had the girls after more than nine years of trying. I really hope you keep going. There are lots of older Mums these days and I have not had a single negative comment.

Best of luck!

Love Clara xx


----------



## deblovescats

Great to hear your news clara rose, sassy lassy and morganna. Clara - I agree about older mums, I think we're going to become much more 'socially acceptable'. I take my hat off to you as one fellow single mum to another! Re: the DE. I did double donation as well, and I totally forget about it. It's amazing how many people tell me my son looks like me, my daughter is still too little ... They are so worth it, Essie.


----------



## Mels11

Hi Essiejean, 
Just came across this thread & just wanted to endorse what others have said. I've had no negative comments about being an older Mum (I'm now 51yrs old), I had a very healthy pregnancy & can easily keep up with the younger Mums. Age really is just a number. I had donor egg treatment too (also early menopause) & don't give it a second thought. She's the baby we were meant to have & if I could go back & use my own eggs I wouldn't because I couldn't love my daughter any more. 
I had a much, much easier IVF journey than you, though, so I can totally understand why you are questioning if you can through it all again. If only we had a crystal ball & know we would succeed! Only you and your DH can decide if you can cope with another round but please don't doubt if you would be good parents or if you will bond with your child, that side will just fall into place. 
I would only say that living the rest of your life saying "what if" would probably be the hardest thing. 
If you do ahead, I wish you all the luck in the world x


----------



## bundles

What a lovely thread   Just to add another 2p worth    Everyone has their line and when they reach it they go quietly. I've seen a couple of FF's just slide away   it pains me as I just want everyone to be a mummy - as I think you know ! I don't think you've reached your line as you're still here. Yes you're voicing your fears but that's only natural. When  DS, today, said "Mama I lub you" I could have cried with joy. They are bloody hard work but they make my life worthwhile. You were made to be a mummy. Just look at your face in a mirror - perfect mummy face    And just saying, if all goes well, that camper van could also be a plan A  

Big hugs, as ever  

xx


----------



## NowOrNever

Essie- you're the only reason I log onto FF these days. I SO WANT TO SEE YOU BECOME A MUMMY.

I echo everything above - especially the DE bonding issue. You wont have any issue on that score. Like the others i get "the spit of mummy" on every ******** post of her. Makes me laugh. Even my girlfriends who know she's DE say it!!

Just keep going. Maybe 'letting go' mentally is a good thing - a way to keep yourself sane... its often the case that when you let go emotionally of something it tends to happen. 

I'm thinking about you 

NON xx


----------



## Karhog

Essie,  I too echo what everyone has said and I too could also have written your very post before my move to de. We had undergone 20 years of various treatments and failures apart from one pregnancy that ended in miscarriage.We felt defeated at times and our relationship was severely tested, not to menational,  as you have the financial burden of it all. The amount of money we have invested in becoming parents is eye watering...not to mention the help we received from family.
We too felt despair and as we became older, felt not only that our ship had sailed and maybe this just wasn't to be, as well as wondering how on earth we would now deal with a baby/ toddler in our 40s and 50s if a miracle wrecked to happen.
BUT.......something deep inside could not give up, and as long as you feel that flicker you have to go for it!
I totally understand and empathise it is not easy and at times I just wanted to retreat and forget about it all...in fact we stopped treatment for about 5 years...though something inside urged us to go on as we knew without outside help our ultimate dream could never be fulfilled.
I wish you the very very best of luck, please don't give up hope.....it CAN happen!!!


----------



## ELW7

Hello Essie, I know we keep in touch but I'm pleased I've now found your thread and I can follow your story over the coming weeks!  I have read your pages with tears streaming down my eyes. As you know I (and so many others) have been so desperate for you to get your 'happily ever after' and by God I can't think of anyone who deserves it more! It has broken my heart each time you have had to endure such sadness and I prayer that those days will soon be long behind you and that this will finally be your year! 

I can only imagine the apprehension you both face after everything you have been through, but just get through it however you can and if that means shutting yourself off from the process then so be it. Just take it one step at a time my lovely, deep breaths and know that we are all rooting for you, more than you could possibly imagine!! You are such a very special person who deserves to get the chance to be a very special mummy so Please hold onto your hopes and dreams and don't let go. Sending you both all the love and luck in the world and I'll be thinking about you and sending so many positive thoughts your way! 

All my love, Emma xxx.


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Hi Essie,
Just checking in to see how you are and sending positive vibes!
Lots of Love
Sassy x


----------



## EssieJean

Oh wow ladies, what wonderful messages!!

So sorry I've been awol and taken so long to acknowledge your super supportive posts. I've had major wobbles, tears and meltdowns, family upsets etc and not felt able to address all of you which is what I wanted to do. I'm feeling better today having got it all out of my system (for now )

I notice a few more familiar ladies on here too; Tincancat, Clara rose, Mels11, Bundles, NoworNever, Karhog and last but by no means least ELW... thank you all from the bottom of my heart 

*NoworNever*, bless you for coming on here to check up on me.. I hope to prove your checking ins have not been in vain soon . Hope you are well x

*Tincancat* you're absolute right, that's exactly how I feel. I've had many meltdowns and panic attacks, as recently as last week, to the run up of this cycle. Even now we're both no entirely sure if we want to go through with it but of course now we are on the road and I'm taking meds. I could make a list of a million reasons not to go ahead and only one for the pro side which I can only describe as a "feeling".. Thank you for popping on to offer your support..

As always *Debs*, thank you for your wise words.. I know my ramblings and the thoughts I have are irrational that come from fear and upset.. Having so much time to think has only exacerbated those worries to the point where I just feel overwhelmed.. like teetering on the edge of a cliff.... only a leap of faith will give us the answer 

Hi *Morganna*, thank you for taking the time to pop on here.. I know how busy you get, so I do really appreciate it. I said to Mr Essie only this week I think it is more fear of another loss and all that comes with that, that is obstructing a clear decision..only now do I realise how far I have come, physically mentally and emotionally.. the fear of being back at square one is great.. we are trying to keep neutral in our thinking which seems to be helping us to keep moving forward..

Hi dear *Sassy*, we've cycled so many times together I know only too well your struggles and it's ladies with such tenacity as you that have kept me going thus far  I read your last post like a nodding dog  almost financial ruin, massive weight gain (and steroid weight seems to take forever to get rid of!), no social life and depressed.. yep that's it in a nutshell. I guess to have gone through all that just to stop now would feel a waste of many years... if I can dig deep and give it one more go, then at least we have a chance of making all that worth it.. Thanks for the positive vibes! Hope you and your family are well and you are enjoying the joys of mummyhood 

Hi *Clara* *Rose*, I do remember our paths have crossed before and how you've always offered support, thank you for jumping on here to provide more  Yourself, Debslovescats and Morganna are an inspiration to me! As single ladies (of a certain age) I am in awe and almost feel a bit of a whimp, I need to remind myself how lucky I am to have Mr Essie who I know would be hands on should we be blessed, although not so much in the nappy department! It's good to read such positive experiences like yours... I can almost feel strength bubbling to the surface.. thank you x

Hi *Mels*, you make an interesting point that you have the baby you were meant to have through DE. It's given me food for thought.. Yes a crystal ball would be good right now! Thank you for your best wishes x

Hey *Bundles*.. you know your 2penneth is always appreciated by me.. aw "perfect mummy face", you make me smile  big hugs 

Good gosh *Karhog*, 20 yrs!!  I resonate with everything you say in your post.. from a couple of friends I'm told "it's your decision, only you can decide", but it's not as cut and dry as that is it, it's not an easy decision, especially when you're making it for you and DH because DH just wants to see you happy, and he'd be happy either way, which is my situation at the moment. I know we'll have a good life together if it wasn't to be but I think we would both regret not giving a cycle one last go. We're lucky in that my parents have offered to help with this cycle financially, although I do feel a bit of a fraud. My dad likes a flutter on the horses and I ask him, would you put 4 grand on a horse that's lost 7 races?!, of course he says yes lol I feel added pressure though to come up with the goods as it were.. thank you for the good luck, the positivity on here really helps..

Lovely *ELW*  It's so good of you to come on here, I know we pm and email (which I have yet to respond to!) but it's always nice to see your name pop up  Thank you for the lovely words, you've been with me through all my losses, I would love to be able to share some joy with you for a change . I feel we are just cruising along at the moment, Prague is scarily close now and although we still, even now, say we could always back out at the last minute, I've a feeling neither of us will want to actually take that step when it comes to the crunch. I hope you are well and I promise to get round to replying to your email  xx

Well ladies tomorrow I begin the first day of my protocol. I feel like it will be the first step to a very different life for myself and Mr Essie..whichever way the cookie crumbles....

Hugs to everyone one of you 

Essie xx


----------



## goldbunny

rooting for you essie!


----------



## EssieJean

Thanks Goldbunny!


----------



## bundles

Thinking of you lovely & sending oodles of positivity your way  

xx


----------



## RED13

Essie, you can do this! Believe it! You are stronger than you may think.
Give it all you've got, then no regrets, right?
I don't post much, but I'm still around cheering you on. Crossing everything that this cycle is your take home baby!
Red


----------



## fififi

Essie - been following your posts where I can & really, really hoping that your final throw of dice is the win you've been waiting for.

Agree with others in that you needed to do this to know that you really have given tx all you can. Just over 2 years ago now I was in very similar position. We'd supposedly had our final cycle but although Mr Fififi was ready to walk away & begin trying to live a 'normal' non IVF life again I just couldn't step away. Twelve years of fertility treatment had meant I knew nothing else & to walk away with a 'what if' still hanging over me just couldn't happen. So after lot of persuading & yet more saving we had our final, final cycle. So much was riding on it & ive never been such an emotional wreak. Every step something went wrong - so much so our clinic said they'd give us a free repeat cycle if we got the expected BFN! But, miracles do happen & my little girl is 18 months today. I still look at the photo we have of the day 2 embryo that was all there was to transfer & am amazed that that round blob really & truly became MY baby!!!

Apologies for the waffle but wanted to remind you that this really could be the beginning of something wonderful & hard as it is try & send those positive excited vibes all through your body as that can only help.

Will be wishing like crazy xxxxx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - rooting for you so much! You can do this. Thanks for your kind words. You so deserve to have Mr Essie - so glad you're happy together, you just need babs to complete you both!
Just had a good day out at Sandsend - met up with a fellow member of FF - had a lovely afternoon, she's still waiting for her happy ending and also rooting for her - and she joins 49ers club!


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Way to go Essie , covering all eventualities here, I'm sending positive vibes   and a lot of  your way x


----------



## Karhog

Essie...I will have absolutely everything crossed for you and Mr Essie. You deserve your happy ending. Best if luck x


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you all for your positivity and good luck wishes..

*RED* so lovely to hear from you, I can't remember how many times you've been there to cheer me on over the years but it's been appreciated each and every time! Hope all is well with you..

*Fififi*, your past experience sounds very much like ours.. it is so hard to walk away when you've been trying for so long, to stop without a final final go would leave us with a "what if" and a 'what was it all for" question mark hanging over us. Both me and Mr Essie have been to-ing and fro-ing for so long now one of the scariest parts has been admitting to each other that perhaps we had come to the end of the line, it was just neither wanted to be the first to say it out loud. There have been lots of tears along the way but now the cycle is here I, in particular, am keeping my emotions at bay because I just need to get through it, stay neutral. I'm so pleased your final final go was successful after such an emotional time.. and a 2 day embie too! They obviously had the determination and stamina as their mummy 

*Debs*, that's lovely that you meet up with fellow FF'er.. we have something in common on FF that even our closet friends, through no fault of their own, can understand. I hope your FF gets her happy ending too.. no one should have to go through so much to achieve it.

Big thank you to *Sassy* and *Karhog* too 

Mr Essie and I have been focusing on things to do and places to go in Prague rather than treatment itself. We're going to book a night River cruise on a jazz boat, visit Prague castle and petrin hill where they have a mini Eiffel Tower. We've been to Prague a few times now but it's always been about the treatment and not done as much sightseeing as we could have. I'm feeling relatively calm today...

Xx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - glad you're having a lovely time, enjoy a 'mini honeymoon' - hopefully you'll come back with a 'second honeymoon' baby! It's a good idea to focus on sightseeing as well, rather than on the cycle.
Good luck hun


----------



## RED13

Essie---Hugs   
Pulling for you bigtime, as always  
We all have your back. Stay brave and go for it! 
I`m doing fine thanks. Talking to a clinic right now, just working on DH. Going have to get female persuasive    
Ha!
Red


----------



## Baking Queen

Hi Essie
Just wanted to wish you all the best. For our last cycle, my DH and I focused on trying to make it like a little holiday and we had an absolutely fab time. I think because I enjoyed that so much and relaxed, our cycle worked. Let me know if you want any ideas of things to do in and around Prague.
Take care.
BQ. xx


----------



## Clara Rose

Essie, I've got everything crossed for you. You can do this!


----------



## Louisej29

Dearest essie. Wishing you all the luck in the world. Have everything crossed for you !
Go essie and mr essie !!  You have soooooo many people rooting for you - I can't think of anyone who deserves their happy ever  after more  than you two  xx


----------



## EssieJean

Massive *THANK YOU* Debs, RED, Baking Queen, Clara Rose and Louise for all your well wishes 

Debs lovely, we're not there yet, but it's scarily close - we fly out next Thursday 

I'm feeling relatively calm, Baking Queen said, just treating it as a holiday at the moment. Mr Essie is a poorly soldier at the moment with neuralgia! Suddenly came on and doctors more or less dismissed him with a prescription. He's in so much pain constantly bless him. Apparently the meds he has to take do not affect fertility, but I guess we'll see that for ourselves soon enough....

Have a fantabulous weekend lovely ones 

Essie xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies,

Just a quick update from me as I'm at work - Mr Essie still very poorly, spent 8 hours at urgent care leaving after midnight (7½ hours waiting, half hour being seen!) He had ECG due to concerns it was a stroke, thankfully it wasn't, they're still trying to diagnose him but it's looking likely its neuralgia. It's looking likely we'll spending most of time in hotel room for a week unless the high dosage meds kick in while there as just a breeze sends electric shock up the side of face.  Also, I was back at hospital at 9am having scan - good news is its 10mm, best yet and although free fluid was seen this has always been there and assured and reassured on numerous occasions this is not a problem.  Absolutely shattered today, not sure how I'm functioning really.  But hey ho - at least its taken our minds of upcoming cycle!!  Two more working days to go!

Love n hugs
Essie xx

PS  special mention to RED for her thoughtfulness & advice on neuralgia! Thank you!


----------



## nevertoolate

Hi Essie
I have been following your posts and just want to wish you all the luck in the world. Keep strong and we are all rooting for you xx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you so much DreamingofBFP.. means a lot that I've got so much support.. I'm a very lucky lady   xx


----------



## NowOrNever

Still following your progress and crossing everything for you both. And i hope Mr E gets better soon too. 
xxxx


----------



## betty21

Hi essie - thinking of you and hope its all going well and your hubby is feeling better! 
I remember cycling with you before and was so sad for you xx New chapter for you and you so deserve this - i too have started treatment again and off to spain in a few weeks for FET -  best of luck xx


----------



## RED13

Essie-Glad to try to help. The poor man. Sounds like when my DH gets kidney stones. A man in pain is not pretty. lol.
Yay for your lining!! Fantastic. I am asking the universe to look after you and keep that embie(s) in the right place, when they bed down. 
Remember my stress story about my DD transfer? DH had a mother of a kidney stone attack, in Europe, 1 hour before we were due to board the plane, after transfer. In that time we ran to emerg, got seen, got meds. Then I ran up the city street looking for a chemist that was open early, to get pain relievers for DH for the 2 plane trips. I had DD on board at the time, having transferred the day before.
You would think stress would have deep six my cycle. Nope, DD is sat her on her computer and is 9 years old. Moral of the story, don`t worry bout stress. An embie that is going to implant, will implant, regardless of stress, idiotic med boo boos etc!!  
I remain, your source of rambling information, silly stories and real facts!!!
Give em hell Essie! 
RED


----------



## Offthewall

Essie - I always check on here to see how you're doing. Get well soon, Mr Essie x

The others have written such inspirational words and I have to nothing to add, except have a wonderful time in Prague, enjoying the sunshine. I have faith that this time will be the one xx


----------



## bundles

Thinking of you Essie, as ever  

xxx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Dear Essie - thinking of you, Mister Essie and your trip tomorrow.  I hope everyone's feeling better by the time you get on that plane and you both have a great time exploring Prague in the sunshine (gently going of course ;-) ).  I so hope that this time is Your Time.  We all do.  Sending lots of love xxx


----------



## RB76

Thinking of you Essie. I don't come on here much now but will be really rooting for you x


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you all lovely ladies 

Firstly Mr Essie would like to thank you all for asking about him and sending your well wishes.. he now feels like an honorary member of FF 

*NoworNever*.. Thanks for tuning in..Mr Essie is getting better thank you.. I think he's taking more drugs than me to Prague! 

Hi *Betty*, I remember our paths have crossed before.. thank you for your good luck wishes.. All the very best to you too, sending lots of positive sticky vibes for your FET    ... just seen your ET is 8 May.. our wedding anniversary.. hope the day becomes a beautiful memorable day as it did for us x

*RED*, we've already pm'd but thank you again for your continued support and advice 

Hi *Offthewall*, thanks for keeping check, it's always nice to hear from you. Weather is a bit tricky I believe at the moment so I've packed for winter and summer  Fingers crossed we'll have more sun than rain..

*Bundles*, we've been in touch but thank you again.. hugs to you 

Thank you *Sassy*.. we're going to make the most of our time in Prague whatever the weather. We've both packed our meds and cases are packed too now.. looking forward to getting to the hotel and relaxing. Focusing more on the holiday than the treatment while we can..

Hi *RB*, lovely to hear from you, thanks for popping on, that's really thoughtful of you. Hope all well with you..x

Well.. here it is.. after all the to-ing and fro-ing, ups and downs, we're on our way..won't say too much here as I'll get emotional and I've only just managed to pack those away at the back of my mind for the time being.

Will be back to update...

Happy Easter Everyone! 

Luv n hugs
Essie (& Mr Essie)
Xx


----------



## RED13

Have fun on your trip, Mr and Mrs Essie! Hope you bring home an extra special souvenier!
Hope that Prague weather will be sunny, for your strolling here and there.
How I wish I were back in Prague. Magical place.
Hugs  
RED


----------



## ELW7

Lovely Essie, 

so sorry to hear about Mr Essie What bloody timing for you both! Wishing him lots of  get well wishes but most importantly I want to wish you all the luck in the world!!!! And more!!!! This has got to be your time and you have so many people crossing so many bits to hopefully help make it happen for you! I'm welling up just typing this because I can't think of another couple who deserve this more. Deep breaths my lovely, you can both do this and I hope and prayer with every ounce  that this is going to be your happily ever after!!!!!!! Go Essies!!!     xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Northern

Essie - just popping in (I stalk you on here  ) to wish you so much love and luck.  I can't tell you how much I want this to work for you.  However you're feeling, hope you enjoy being back in Prague and have a relaxing time away together.  Sorry to hear Mr Essie is not well, hope all is ok and you can manage a bit of sight-seeing while you're there (my tip would be the church of St Cyril & Methodius on Resslova street, fascinating and awful story, especially if you've seen the film Anthropoid...) 

Praying for you both, that this is the beginning of a beautiful story for you both xxxx  
Lots of love and hugs, will be thinking of you


----------



## Louisej29

Dear essie and mr essie

Thinking of u both and wishing you all the luck in the world. Hope mr essie is feeling beter and  you are able to enjoy your time in Prague together.  I can't begin to tell you how much I want this for you and no one deserves it more than you 2.  Hope your patience and determination will be rewarded this time. Go go go. !!  We are all rooting for you xxxx


----------



## Cheesy

EJ another stalker. Hope you and Mr EJ aren't feeling too overwhelmed being back in Prague. And hope Gennet are being extra supportive. 

I recall it being especially beautiful in April. I want to imagine you in the lovely cafes or strolling down sunny streets - hopefully relaxing and feeling the magic. 

I think you guys are awesome for being strong enough to return. I'm cheering from the sidelines and crossing everything that crosses.


----------



## EssieJean

Dobri den ladies 

Just a quick update as popped back to hotel for news and pessaries.. oh what joy!

Had irritation today (DE's egg collection and Mr E's bit). Dr Danek checked lining too which was fine but some concern as there's still fluid near clipped tube. Previously been told not a problem, now I'm hearing "at next fresh cycle perhaps remove tube altogether". Tried to explain the reason it wasn't removed at same time as right tube and just clipped was due to it partly being attached to my bowel.. and that there won't be another cycle. We came away thinking this isn't going to work and to prepare ourselves once again..... We've even discussed, on achieving a BFP, taking my overnight things to the scan . But surely they would recommend not going ahead if there was no chance of success??

We're going through the motions now anyway, we were staying neutral so not to build our hopes up but we feel any hopes are on a boat that has now sailed following discussions with Dr Danek this morning. We are coming to terms that there's a real possibility we are going to meet our all too familiar fate.

Today we have 6 eggs from our lovely donor and Mr E's results met standards.

On a positive note Mr Essie is feeling much better, not 100%, but we're managing to enjoy the sights. Thank you for all the well wishes.. It's a sunny day today and the Easter markets are wonderful! We've had some scrumptious food and treats  We've booked our favourite restaurant for tonight with a jazz band playing and looking forward to that.

Thank you all you stalkers!!

*Cheesy*, we are doing just that and it's marvellous to be back!

*Northern*, thanks for the tip.. we'll put it on the list. Think we're going Charles Bridge and Latin Quarter tomorrow to try book a jazz boat night cruise 

*Louise* and *Emma*, I think I want this to work for you two more than me and Mr Essie 

In fact for ALL you lovely ladies who've invested so much time in supporting us over the years... I want this to work sooooo much 

Hope you're all having a lovely Easter &#128035;

Essie xx


----------



## Karhog

We're all rooting for you!!! Really wishing you good luck and sending hugs and positive vibes. Enjoy the jazz, we went on a jazz boat and absolutely loved it! Relax ( as much as you can) and enjoy the sights x


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Essie my lovely I had wondered where you were and here you are! I've been thinking about you for the last couple of weeks as I knew you were heading out to Prague so I'm glad I've found you as now I can wish you and Mr Essie all the luck in the world. 

I think you're right about Dr Danek as a friend of mine took one of her injections a day early and the clinic wanted to freeze everything so if they have any doubts that this would be a problem I'm sure they would have suggested this to you too.

I'll be saying a wee prayer tonight for you both and for all those lovely embryos of yours  

Have a wonderful time tonight at your favourite restaurant and get well soon to Mr Essie. Big big hugs to you both    
Lots of love Twinkle xxx


----------



## ELW7

Lovely Essie, I hope you are currently enjoying more yummy food tonight whilst listening to some good tunes and hopefully you can try and put that one little niggle to the back of your minds. I'm sure they would say not to go ahead if this bit of fluid was a major problem, so sure it will just fine and talk of "next cycles" will be just that... All talk but not needed!! I'm still so hopeful for you!! Great news on the eggs and of course Mr Essie! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and wishing nothing but wonderful embryos for you and the perfect nesting position! In the meantime enjoy the Easter markets (I used to love the German markets when I lived over there) and hopefully the sun will keep shining for you! Get rubbing and wishing on that bridge!!! Sleep well if you can too. Sending much love and all the luck in the worls, Emma xxx


----------



## mandalay

Essie, can't they draw off that little bit of fluid? I had fluid in the womb on my first cycle and they recommended me having a period to shift it BUT said if it happened again they would syringe. It's not uncommon Essie. Ask if they will syringe for you.


----------



## EssieJean

Hi Twinkles.. so nice to hear from you, glad you found me!  Thank you for your prayers and story of your friend. It certainly helps to know they wouldn't just go through a cycle just because we're here and everything is in place.. not had much sleep but we're out for the day today Charles Bridge and Latin Quarter, perhaps Petrin Hill. Hope you and your little ones are well lovely x

Karhog, thank you   we're hoping to book the jazz boat today for maybe Tuesday night when the Easter crowds have died down as we really would like a table for two rather share a table of six as has been suggested might the the case   X

Emma my lovely, thank you again   Oh the Easter markets are wonderful.. the whole atmosphere is magical.. I good remedy to eliminate any niggles for a while! I've always wanted to do the German Christmas markets too   x

Hi Mandalay thank you for popping on with your suggestion, it's very much appreciated... I have emailed the clinic this morning to ask about a syringe and voiced our concerns.. x

RED.. I'll reply to your lovely pm of support and advice when we get back..as I don't want to rush it, but just to say no, i never get fed up of you putting your two cents in   It's always very much appreciated   x

Day 1 - all 6 eggs fertilised  

Essie xx


----------



## RED13

Yay! Congrats on your 6 for 6 fertilization! Mr. Essie, great job!   
Hope you both have a great day today.
Glad you emailed them Essie. Interested to hear what they have to say about it. Crossing my fingers!
RED


----------



## Cheesy

yay, 100% fertilisation - how amazing Essie. But I totally get how you are feeling deflated, defeated even. I hope you get a hopeful response to your queries. Dr Danek seems to be cautious in my limited experience and as Twinkle suggested, I think he'd be advocating for a freeze-all if he thought it was necessary. I hope the Jazz cruise lifts your spirits. I hope more than anything that everything works out.


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Well done Mr Essie and his super swimmers with 100% fertilisation. There's many hurdles with this malarkey but that's a biggie and it couldn't be any better   I hope you're managing to relax lovely and are both having a wonderful time in beautiful Prague. Sending you both much love and masses of positive vibes from Bonny (rainy) Scotland xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies,

Quick update.. no response to my query. I suspect as ET is 12pm tomorrow and Dr Danek is performing it will be discussed then..... if we turn up!! We both really don't see the point.

We have 3 eggs though, 9-16 cells grade 2. Even typing those words fills be with sadness for them... there's potential life right there and my body is going to destroy them  . They deserve a chance, a chance inside someone else. 

Oh hark at me I sound like a right pity party!!  

Had a good couple of days, been on a cruise, on the fun train as Mr Essie calls it, the cinema to watch Beauty and the Beast while it rained.. even went up Petrin Tower, and me with a fear of heights and vertigo! Albeit I clung to the rail by the lift and never moved until the lift opened again  

Well if anything, at least I can say I've faced one fear and conquered so far on this trip  

Love to all

Essie xx


----------



## mandalay

Oh Essie! Please ring your clinic. Get their reassurance and ask about the fluid removal. They will offer help but you have to say your fears. I completely understand how you feel. Absolutely everything went against me on my last visit. Everything. I nearly did the same as you are thinking. I nearly gave up and came home. But the clinic did help and against my expectations my baby is here.  It's up to your doctor to do all he can to allay your fears. A tiny bit of fluid can be removed. Your babies need a small window to embed. Just days and then they are rooted. You are just so hurt and battered and weary. But you can be so close to what you have been waiting for. Don't go home without them. Phone the clinic and tell them exactly what you are worrying about. Love to you both xxx


----------



## mandalay

Don't wait until tomorrow.


----------



## ELW7

Lovely Essie, I second Mandalay and her wise words!! You have come this far and so far things are looking good with a great fertilisation rate and your body will give these embryos every fighting chance! Please please don't blame yourself for past events, I know how hard it is not too, but your body will be the perfect place this time just believe in yourself my lovely and go for it. I agree tell them your fears and see what they can do to reassure you in the meantime. Thinking about you so much and rooting for you all the way! Much love, Emma xxx   . Well done getting up that tower too! You see, anything is possible


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Essie honey I totally echo what both Mandalay and ELW7 have just said. Please please call the clinic and tell them how worried you are about the fluid. You might be worrying over nothing and it would be such a shame to go home without your precious cargo not knowing if this was the time that was meant to be. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now but you've come this far which I know is a really big hurdle for you both. I can't think of anyone who deserves this more than you guys and I wish I could wave a magic wand for you both. Big hugs and lots of love, kirsty xxx


----------



## mandalay

Fluid isn't a problem at all when your embryos have implanted. They live in amniotic fluid. Just need it to go for tomorrow.


----------



## RED13

Essie.....Listen to all the wise ladies on here! Remember this quote....You must fly. she said. What if I fall??  My dear she said, what if you fly?


Choose to fly Essie.


Don,t let fear ruin this for you.


We are here for you. call the clinic and talk to them about your concerns. like Mandalay and others have said. 


Those embles are waiting for you! go get  em tomorrow.


RED


----------



## Louisej29

Oh essie my lovely I know you are so tired and weary of all this now but as emma and the others said you have come so far, you've been through too much to let this beat you now at the 11th hour. Did you manage to speak to your clinic today about your worries.  If not I hope you will have time to talk to the doctor in the morning. 

I am thinking of you loads and want, more than anything right now, for those little enbies  to implant in you and grow healthy and strong. 

It sounds like you've had a lovely few days away and I hope mr essie is fully recovered now. 
Will be thinking of you tomorr and willing those little embies on.  Keep strong my lovely. Keep smiling. You can do this ! We are all rooting for you. Xxxx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie hun - thinking of you. Glad you had a good time sightseeing. I'm with you on the height situation - I hate them too! You can do this. Do contact your clinic for reassurance and peace of mind. Those little embies are so ready for a great mummy and daddy!


----------



## Cheesy

Hi Essie

I'm reading these posts from a different time zone and I've got muddled as to what date your ET was scheduled for. Is it in a few hours?

Sounds like you're in quite some turmoil. I hope you've found some reassurance - I love the idea of the fluid being removed. What did Dr D think to that? Else will you return for a FET if your head and heart are dead set against transferring this time?  One thought: it's always darkest before dawn.

I hope you find confidence to make the best decision for you. you've got quite the fan club behind you whatever you choose.


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you so much all you lovely ladies  

Sorry for lack of personals... the story so far..

Dr. Daněk does not recommend syringe/removal of fluid before ET as there could be some kind of infection and it is not be ideal for pregnancy.

They say he will perform my ET and I can discuss it with him in the operating room. But what's the point of that??

For the first time ever we have none to freeze, just have 1 blastocyst at stage 2 to transfer.  Other embryos unfortunately did not make it to day 5.

Feeling pretty despondent and a bit shocked but I guess it takes the turmoil of deciding to go back for frosties away..

Transfer at 12pm... poor little mite  

Thank you everyone... we're both so very grateful to you all  

Essie xx


----------



## Inaaya

It only takes one!! Stay positive! U don't know me but I've been following your story and I'm rooting for u so 
bad!

Wishing u all the luck in the world for both u and hubby xxx


----------



## Northern

So much love to you Essie.  I know how hard this is, and know the disappointment of only having one left.  But you know you're getting the strongest one transferred.  Stay strong, you've come this far.  Praying for you both and for your strong little embie, so many people are rooting for you all! 
Xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you Inaaya and Northern  

Mr Essie bless him is blaming himself now because he had to take lots of drugs for his neuralgia..he googled the drugs and there is no adverse effects with regards to ivf.. I reassure him but I know he's struggling. 

They say we can chat with embryologist but I really don't know what to say or ask... it is what it is right?? Nothing we say now will change that.

Ok so now we have one healthy embie and we've to put all our positivity into that... at least we have the one eh  

Deep breaths... here we go

Xx


----------



## tealight

Dear Essie,
just jumping on to add my wishes to the chorus of support for your embryo transfer. 
If the world was fair and all our wishes counted for anything this clearly would be a done deal!!!!
Of course, it is not and life is a lottery but because of that odds of your blasto taking are just as high as the next person so please don't be hard on yourself. The fact that it is a blasto is better odds too! Its the strongest and healthiest one that's coming to you. 
Im so sorry to hear you sounding so down, but please dont take the responsibility for whether it works or not. This is really the one area of our lives that none of us have any control over the ultimate outcome ......no amount of supplements, drugs, activities, tests,  lab work, even age (theres an under 25 board on ff), etc seems to yield the definitive answer so its not down to us, it increasingly seems to me that its just down to luck, so here's sending you and Mr Essie bucket loads of luck, love and support!!!! Everyone else is right, it does only take one. 
Tealight x x x


----------



## ELW7

I definitely second that tealight!. You have both done the upmost possible and neither of you must blame yourselves for anything. Like tealight says, unfortunately this whole process is down to luck and I think that's why it is so incredibly upsetting because you do your very best to make it happen because you want and deserve it so much but it's all out of your hands my lovely so Please don't be too harsh on yourselves. You are a very special couple who deserve this chance and by God we are all willing this little one so much and we are here to support you all the way. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but I'm hoping and praying with everything that this is your time. You've waited long enough now! Deep breaths, and all my love and luck   xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Dear Essie,


I'm wishing you so much luck for your transfer today. As others have said, it only takes one! I have been on this forum and others for many years and I have known many ladies have success with their one and only embryo. You can do this! Come on little embie!    


Clara xx


----------



## bundles

Come on Essie, where's that Positive Polly ?!?!   No embie has ever had more people rooting for it !! We are all willing it on. Remember, drink at least 2 litres of water a day, during your 2ww, to keep your body hydrated & your lining nice and plump. 
Go Embie       
Come on Postivie PUPO Lady !!!  

Much love xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Essie my lovely as the other ladies have said 1 is all it takes and this one is a super embryo with special implanting powers with many many ff aunties all egging it on (pardon the pun). Seriously though I hope you're doing ok honey as I know today would have been hard for you. All you have to do now is stay nice and relaxed (easier said than done I know) and to pull your bright orange knickers up as high as they can go. We are all here for you if you need us and I'm sure there are many limbs that will remain crossed along with prayers being said for the next two weeks. 

Big hugs to you and Mr Essie, enjoy your last night in Prague xxx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Not much to add to the voices of others my lovely, but just wanted to pop in and help top up the positive vibes.

Lots of water is good advice.  As for the number of embies, it only takes/needs one, and many ladies only ever have one transferred at once.    

I hope you were able to make the most of your last day in Prague, and have been able to de-stress somewhere nice this evening before your journey home.

Sending hugs xx


----------



## Karhog

Hi Essie... Just caught up and can only echo what everyone has said. Sending hugs and the very best of luck, we are all here rooting for you guys.


----------



## Louisej29

Hello essie lovely. how are you doing today. ?  You're now Officially pupo.  As the others have said it only takes one and I have seen soooo many success stories on these boards from just the one embie so keep that positivity up. I know it's so hard and youve suffered so much but believe that this is your time.  I think we should all call ourselves " team essie "!-  we are your support team and you have so much support on here. !

Safe flight back to the Uk. Let mr essie carry all the bags ! TKe care lovely And hope that little embie is doing what it should be right now ! Xxx


----------



## Cheesy

Are you home now Essie? How was ET?  Are you still feeling despondent? I hope your embie is getting snuggly in there and you have as calm and easy a 2ww as is possible to have (I know, I know; it's never like that). Hope you guys continue to look after each other. 

Am continuing to cross everything that crosses xxx


----------



## fififi

Essie - am sending you oodles & oodles of positivity and stickiness xxx

My 18 month yo is a result of a single embryo that was from a cycle that went so badly my clinic offered us a free repeat one!!! 

Hard to keep smiling but you ARE PUPO and there's so many of us rooting for happy news in 2 weeks time xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovely ones..

Thanks for all your good luck wishes and positive vibes  

Transfer went well. I had a magnesium iv which relaxed me so transfer was easy. Our little embie was placed lower than previous cycles.. just something I asked for as researched if placed too high can cause ectopic. Clutching at straws but worth a shot.. 

We're kind of feeling neutral (more so me than Mr Essie as he keeps referring to 'squidge' and stroking my tummy).. I can't say I'm feeling positive but I'm not negative either and trying to just go about life as normal for these two weeks.  As much as one can when injecting twice a day  

We had such a good time in Prague and whatever happens we'll always have fond memories that beautiful city.

Fififi, you're story is encouraging! Heck you must have had some real doubts.. you look to your consultant with hope, it's a bitter pill to swallow when they don't have faith in a cycle. It has been discussed with us that if this one fails we get a next cycle free... if that's what we want. 

Cheesy, I'm not as despondent as I was... something happens to you straight after a transfer I think, a protective feeling, regardless how fearful you are of the outcome. I've put every ounce of my heart and soul into previous cycles... I feel relaxed this time... that will probably change as OTD draws near, but I won't be psychoanalysing every twinge or the lack of. Don't tie yourself up in knots crossing everything  

Louise, Team Essie haha I like it!! I'm taking it easy today, although lots of washing to get through. My niece is 1 yr old tomorrow and her christening is Sunday so have a couple of busy days then work Monday.  Not relishing christening.. word's got round family we've been to Prague again, we've never really discuss IF with them as we're private that way but I can hear the whispers now, watching for a reaction at the christening. They'll be disappointed.  At least I'll be able to come away if it does get too much as I'll have meds to take. 

Karhog thank you  

Hey Sassy, we had a lovely last night thank you, a nice meal then a drink (non alcoholic for me) in the old town square, a lovely restaurant across from the Astronomical Clock, sat outside next to a heater with a blanket over my knee  

Twinkle Toes my orange knickers are now 3 sizes too big having lost the pounds since first buying them a few years back.. I'll have to roll them up and wear them as a scarf instead  

Bundles, not sure where Positive Polly has gone, but Equable Essie is hanging in there   I drank so much water for transfer I feel my bladder is just topping up even now.. I only need a glass and I'm bursting 'to go'.  I only drink water and herbal tea (peppermint) anyway, I'm not a big coffee or tea drinker.

Thank you Clara Rose  

Lovely Emma, you say the nicest things   I was feeling quite anxious and despondent before but as I've said above now I know our embie is onboard the mothership I feel a calmness.. it'll work or it won't kind of attitude.. it's out of my control now, the universe already knows our fate (or destiny) no amount of worrying will change that. And if it's not meant to be.. well we've recovered before..

Tealight thank you for jumping on and for your support..we've had so many strong and healthy embies along the way but I know what you mean, we do have the best chance. I do feel sad that my body seems to reject them and as dr once said there's something between heaven and earth that no one can control.. it's up to the Gods, and if it's not meant to be then I have to believe there is something else in store for me, may be not what I dreamed of but something I can feel content and happy with.. 

You've all been amazing.. I feel so honoured that I have so much support on here, it's truly overwhelming..okay now I'm getting teary....

So much love to you all!! 😘😘😘

Essie xx


----------



## ELW7

Me too Essie after reading your post! You are truly amazing  
Welcome back home and I hope that little embie is also finding a perfect home to get comfy in over the next nine months! I'm glad you managed to have a relaxing time out there and that the fond memories you have of lovely Prague will be even more special when the most amazing result comes out of you both being there! You have such a good attitude right now, relaxed and calm, just perfect, well done lovely you. Think of the law of attraction too and remember whatever can be imagined and visualized can be achievable!! We'll all be doing that for you too and are supporting you all the way! Try and rest as much as you can. I'll be thinking of you at your nieces christening, I know how hard these things are to go to and I hope they can be full of love and support to you both during the day.  Much love to you and the honoury ff member Mr Essie and sending lots of positive baby vibes your way!  As Louise says come on team Essie!!    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## fififi

Essie - am convinced my consultant added secret magic dust to avoid clinic paying out for free cycle. The chances of success were so pants compared to all previous cycles it was ridiculous & yet here I am with my magic baby.
Hopefully your clinic have access to the same magic   



Thinking of you both - well 3 - and wishing with all my might this is your time xxxx


----------



## NowOrNever

I still have everything crossed for you. *waves from the sidelines*
C'mon little embie - do your stuff.  



xxx


----------



## mandalay

Sending you lots of love and baby dust!


----------



## deblovescats

Essie my lovely - glad you are feeling more positive. I'm so hoping that in years to come you'll be able to take little one to Prague and say 'this is where you were conceived!!' Good you had a good time in Prague and it has probably made you more relaxed ... if good wishes could give you a positive outcome, you'd be home and dry! We're all keeping the positive vibes going strong .... try and take it easy. Good luck with the Christening, I realise how hard it must be .... Just think - that could be you in a year's time!!


----------



## nevertoolate

sending you sp many good vibes .....wish you all the best for everything... you are a very special person and i admire your strength.....


----------



## Cheesy

Hope you've had a nice weekend. Have you found any good distractions?


----------



## tealight

Just checking in darling girl.
no doubt the 2ww is feeling eternal! But you're one week down and not long to go.
Sending huge hugs x


----------



## Louisej29

Hey lovely essie how are you doing. Know this is a tough time - hope you're keeping that positivity up! X


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies,

Thank you for all your supportive messages.. sorry been awol, works been busy and I've just wanted to go to bed when home  

Last weekend was lovely, a few choked up moments at the christening but survived, and managed to slip away at one point for meds etc. It's funny how many occasions we've dreaded over the years, Christmases, births, birthdays, christenings, but they come and go like everything else don't they, usually not as bad as first thought, but relieved it's over anyway. 

This week has been a mixed bag of emotions; one minute convinced it hasn't worked at all because of the seemingly bad batch of embies and the one transferred not even making the top 3, then the next thinking it's ectopic because of the sharp twinges at the sides and the 'fluid worry'.  We've looked at holidays for the former and the latter together with my suggestion to take my overnight bag to the scan if we achieve a positive  

We tested early which isn't like us but we don't want to stress ourselves out with the anticipation of the test date looming, so Day 7 was bfn, and expected I suppose.  We will either test again tomorrow 9dpt or Saturday. I haven't had an early bfp before and I suspect if this little embie has snuggled right in my luck would be that hcg is secreted at a much slower rate than normal.... oh how cynical I've become!   

Symptoms come and go which are probably down to meds; tiredness especially afternoon, thirst and peeing more which will be down to drinking more water than usual.  I know these are also pregnancy symptoms but for my own sanity I'm putting them down to meds at the moment  

Thanks again all you wonderful ladies, knowing we've  got such a great crowd behind us makes all of this a bit more bearable  

Happy Bank Holiday! 

Much love 
Essie 😘 xx


----------



## Amy76

Essie I haven't posted here before but have been following your story & want to wish you all the best for otd, I really hope that your special little embie has snuggled in & made itself comfy x


----------



## EssieJean

Aw thank you Amy..that's so thoughtful of you, especially finding the time to send your best wishes when you've not long since given birth to your daughter! Congratulations!


----------



## bundles

Sending you hugs & patience Essie  

xx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you bundles   Xx


----------



## ELW7

Have been thinking of you lots Essie! You're doing brilliantly! Will keep everything crossed for you for testing and pray it will be good news for you both! I can only begin to imagine what's going through your head right now and it's no wonder you're worrying about every eventuality but keep that vision of everything being well in the forefront of your mind and visualise that little embryo growing healthy and strong in the right place. Sending much love and all the luck in the world to you both! Big hugs, Emma    xxxxx


----------



## Amy76

Thank you Essie   I will get my lucky orange pants out in support of you, I strongly believe in the power of orange xxx


----------



## QWERTY9876

Good luck for testing again whether it's today or tomorrow. xxxxx


----------



## Moragob

Essie - i haven't posted before but have come across your posts over the last few years and just wanted to wish you all the luck and send all the positive thoughts I can to you.  You have my deepest admiration for your strength and fortitude and I do so hope you have the sucess you so deserve.  Fingers, toes and everything else crossed.

Morag


----------



## Karhog

Good luck Essie! These last few days waiting and wondering are the worst! Thinking of you


----------



## wishfulthinking

EssieJean,

I too have stumbled upon your post and your story has touched me.  I am so impressed with your perseverance and your positive attitude.  You seem like a truly kind person.  I so hope this is finally your turn.  Best of luck.

Wishfulthinking


----------



## EssieJean

Hi Emma.. thank you, you're so kind. Hope all is well with you lovely  

Amy I have a pair of orange knickers too! Although I bought them when I had put weight on through treatment and dont fit now.. I'll have to find another way to incorporate them.. perhaos a head scarf  

Thanks Peggy and thank you for the pm's  

Hi Morag, thanks for posting and for your kind words. I really do appreciate all the support on here.. it really does make a difference.  Your daughter and I share a birth date ; 18 January.. that must be a good omen  

Thanks Karhog you're not wrong! My blasé attitude is disappearing and I'm feeling more anxious as otd draws near!

Hi Wishfulthinking... thank you for popping on.. what a lovely thing to say   I must admit I've had my wobbles but hanging in there just about  

Happy Bank Holidays   xx


----------



## EssieJean

Another neg this morning   xx


----------



## mandalay

Still early days Essie.  The blood test will be a far better indicater than poas. Some hcg levels take a while to rise. Thinking about you xx


----------



## Amy76

Sending lots of love & hugs & hoping it is just too early     xxx


----------



## EssieJean

I don't know ladies.. used Superdrug pos with a sensitivity of 10 - I think it would have detected something at Day 10. Feeling very flat..it must be progesterone mimicking pregnancy symptoms xx


----------



## Tincancat

Essie I'm so sorry.  I was hopeful for you. 

I do wonder about the fluid you talked about.  There are many stories of ladies  with blocked tubes and fluid leaking toxins causing implantation issues.  I don't know your history fully but I've read on FF of others having tubes adhered to bowel due to endo being removed by the Greek surgeon working with Serum, after NHS surgeons had said nothing could be done.  Just a thought. 
TCCx


----------



## EssieJean

Ive had 5 pregnancies Tincancat but yes I agree the fluid is a concern..if this is an unchanging result I think it's safe to say we're done xx


----------



## bundles




----------



## Hannah01

The positivity in your struggle is admirable Good luck Essie! Sometimes things are worth waiting for


----------



## ELW7

Essie my lovely, are you having bloods done? I'm praying it could still be too early on a hpt. When is otd? Thinking of you and sending biggest hugs xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Northern

Essie     praying it's still a little early and holding you in my thoughts Xxx


----------



## tealight

Thinking of you


----------



## Inaaya

Praying it's early Essie 

My friend had toxic fluid leaking at the end of tubes and had a procedure done called Essure which I think clips tubes from memory? She is now 36 weeks pregnant 

Praying for u And thinking of u   Xx


----------



## Clara Rose

Oh Essie I'm so sorry. Thinking of you


----------



## Louisej29

Essie my lovely. I can well imagine you are feeling flat and worried but as the others say I am
Hoping you are just a little too early. I always found the clear blue  best- that actually tells you in words. Hoping your next test will show a positive.  Are you doing bloods ?  Lots of luck lovely. Xxxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Sending you many many hugs right now Mr and Mrs Essie      Xxx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie my lovely - thinking of you tonight and so hoping that you've tested too early! There's still hope. If anyone deserves a bit of luck, you do. You've been through so much and you're so strong! 
Keep positive - all cycles are different. When I had my first BFP, I tested early (I'm a classic serial tester, I prefer to test earlier than OTD so I can still say to myself, there's still a chance, but yet prepare myself for the worst!) on day 9 and got a BFN, then tested a day early on day 13, got BFP. I got no symptoms that time. With the little lady, I got nausea and vomiting on day 6, but tested BFN, then day 7 got a faint line, which got progressively darker, till got a definite BFP. So it can all vary.
I'm hoping you get a good outcome still.


----------



## Cheesy

Oh Essie this makes me so mad. It can't be a bfn. Sending you guys so much love but please stick with meds and test again or do bloods on OTD.


----------



## QWERTY9876

Sending you lots of love and hugs Essie


----------



## EssieJean

Hey lovelies..
Thank you for all your kind messages of support. 

I'm feeling ok today. In fact I've come to the decision it's not over until it's over and I still have 3 days before otd.  Yesterday I didn't feel so great probably down to my high expectation of seeing a bfp that morning. Oh I was such a grouch yesterday & Mr Essie did his best to make me laugh bless him.  The word 'rollercoaster' is used a lot on the forum but I think although a good metaphor it undermines and does not come near to what we actually go through. 

I feel quite exhausted and angry in a way that we're here again but for today at least I'm turning anger into determination and stubbornness!  

If testing remains a bfn then I think we may draw a line under ivf despite a free cycle.  We both deserve happiness in our lives. For 10 yrs and through our married life we've experienced nothing but disappointment and heartache.  We've had our moments but essentially it hasn't been a happy household and our social life non existent.  We need to start living! 

But for now there's still a chance Embie Essie is still with us...

Much love
Essie xxx


----------



## Amy76

Come on embie Essie we are all rooting for you!     I have my lucky orange pants on for you today!   xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Amy I'm with you on the pants front, I'm digging out my orange undies and I'm wearing them every day until your otd on wed (don't panic have more than one pair girlies) it's operation Essies embie in this household. 

Essie you are a real superstar and are doing brilliantly on this 2ww, hope you guys are managing to enjoy the bank holiday weekend. Lots of love xxx


----------



## mandalay

Off to buy some orange knickers as a sign of solidarity. (why orange btw?). So want this for you Essie and Mr Essie xx


----------



## EssieJean

Aw thank you Orange Warriors  

Mandalay.. orange is a chakra linked to fertility apparently so a good colour to wear  

I feel like I'm going crazy now... my spirit's dipping again  . I was thinking dry mouth thirst headache tiredness could gave been symptoms but now I think it's the prednisone.. we're meant to test in morning but I don't think I can do it...  . If it's another negative then that'll be it as the test us a frer 10mui.  I've been trying to act nonchalant but I know I'll be devastated and I really don't want to go through those emotions again.

Honestly my moods are yo-yo'ing right now...

Xx


----------



## mandalay

Don't test today. It's not time yet. Re-read what you wrote yesterday and stick with that feeling. Give yourself today. Meds, settee and a film. Far from the madding crowd was my 2WW film.


----------



## Louisej29

Morning essie my lovely.  Thought of you when I woke up this morning and agree with Mandalay- don't test.  ( if you hVent already!)  there is a reason they give you an OTD.  Wait until tomorrow and have bloods done if possible. 

I know you will be feeling totally on edge today and feelings all over the place. It is so unfair and cruel that you are here again but I am keeping my positivity up for you. And, of course, wearing orange to bring you luck! 
Do you have anything nice planned for today to try and take your mind off it- easier said than done I know. 
I hope mr essie is doing OK as well.  

Lots of love Louise xx


----------



## fififi

Essie - not got orange pants but I'd be putting them on if I did ... So, so wanting this to be your time.

Having spent my entire married life & 12 years to be able to step off the tx treadmill I'm amazing at how solid you & Mr Essie are. Lack of social life, inability to plan anything let alone a holiday, requirement to constantly pump body full of hormones combined with momentary joy then incredibly dark sadness don't make things easy for a relationship.

But for now it's not time to worry about that - you need to be wishing, wishing, wishing & believing that your miracle is finally growing inside youn  

DONT test until OTD now - it'll be hard but at least then you'll not be torturing your emotions for an indefinite conclusion. If need be phone in sick to work tomorrow. You deserve the time to celebrate or cry - this is a bloody hard journey of emotions you're on. Not to mention the physical ups & downs.
My clinic ran a trial a few years ago regarding OTD as numerous patients complained it's date was longer than most other clinics. 100 ladies had to produce a urine sample every day from the day after transfer until official OTD. The clinic then tested each sample to see at which point an accurate result could be given. Much to my surprise (& probably many others!) although about 60% of patients could test early the full 100% couldn't be guaranteed until the actual OTD the clinic was using. I think theirs is 15 days after a day 3 transfer.
In short - WAIT ... cos the positive result still needs time


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you lovelies,

Unfortunately I did test at 6am... neg.  

Went for a walk up our lane into the countryside at 7am and cried cried cried, where no one could hear  

Been a recluse today, mobile off and in bed for most of day.

I appreciate your support so much Louise Mandalay Fififi.. thank you for your posts.. if I hadn't have tested this morning I might have just listened but as things are I'm losing hope. Feeling very down. Fififi I read your post with interest, and I know hpts can change in a day, I've had a neg myself one day then positive the next, and I've heard of people getting shock turnarounds... I'm just not that lucky, certainly not twice anyway.. I don't feel lucky, I just feel beaten.

Wish I could muster some enthusiasm for you girls, I don't want to seem ungrateful because I am grateful, more than you know. I could never have got through this cycle with you. 

Im not testing again until OTD on Wednesday, though I don't see the point and nor do I see the point in bloods, especially if a neg. I am sorry.. I'm just feeling pants..

This weekend isn't what I had in mind, nor the working week.. I've booked the afternoons off thinking we would have good news and spend some time with Mr Essie doing lots of nice things..

Hope you've all had a lovely weekend though, I really do, you are amazing!  

Essie xx


----------



## Amy76

Oh Essie   I know there aren't any words that will make you feel any better at the moment so for now I am just sending you & mr Essie lots of love & hugs xxx


----------



## mandalay

All I can do is send you a massive hug.  Wait a little longer.


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Essie I'm so sad for you both and I know nothing I say will make you feel any better. You are the loveliest girl and you just don't deserve this     xxx


----------



## fififi

Huge huge hugs for now - I'll keep on wishing and crossing fingers & toes that Weds will bring surprise news xxxx

PS Feeling very angry with 'world' on your behalf. Fed up with lovely people being made to suffer so. Your happiness will come but frustrating it's taking so so long


----------



## Cheesy

Oh Essie I can only echo the other lovely ladies. I hear what you're saying about the unlikeliness of a turnaround but I'm still hoping for it. Thinking of you and Mr Essie xxx


----------



## ELW7

Oh Essie my lovely, I can't tell you how much I want tomorrow to bring a surprise different result for you both! It just doesn't seem right for your journey to end like this, you deserve so much more and there's still a bit part of me so so hopeful for you! Sending you much love and strength and the biggest hug, Emma xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## nevertoolate

sending you love and hugs... I feel the same as the other ladies and really pray that you get a good result. take care of yourself xxx


----------



## bundles

Will be thinking of you tmoro my lovely     

xx


----------



## EssieJean

We're just not meant to be a family  

I knew it would be still bfn but still hurts like hell.

Thank you all so very much for your support   

Not up to saying much at mo, I'll come back later

Essie 
Xx


----------



## mandalay

I was waiting to hear from you. There's nothing anyone can say today. It hurts like hell and I am so sorry that two lovely people are aching with the pain. There is only hugs on here for you from ladies who've been there too. Come back when you are ready xx


----------



## Tincancat




----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Essie I'm so gutted for you both. I'm thinking of you both today with a heavy heart. Take care sweetie xxxx


----------



## Louisej29

Oh essie my lovely I am absolutely gutted and upset for you and mr essie.  I so hoped that result would turn itself around for today.  Life is very very cruel and unfair and you deserve so much more than all this heartache you have endured.  

I know you will be feeling so raw and emotional right now - cry lots and hold each other tight. Drink lots of wine. I hope you are able to take a little time off work.  

Sensing you so much love and thinking of you lots xxx. Take care lovely X


----------



## Amy76

Essie I'm so very sorry xxx


----------



## ELW7

Beautiful Essie, 
I can't quite put into words how truly devastated I am for you both!   I have tears as I type as you don't deserve to be going through this right now. I'm so so sorry! I don't understand why this world is so cruel and unkind to the most wonderful of people. It breaks my heart to think of what you're both going through right now. Hold onto each other and the love you have for each other and take some time away from everything. You're a truly special couple who really do deserve happiness and I hope that somehow, one day the sun will truly shine for you both. You're in my thoughts. Sending all my love and huge hugs, Emma xxxxxxxx


----------



## QWERTY9876

Oh Essie, I'm so sorry to read your news. Sending you lots of love and hugs. So gutted for you both xxxxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Essie I write this with such a sad heavy heart!!! I am so sorry and sending you and Mr Essie so much love ❤ xx


----------



## Clara Rose

I'm so very sorry. Sending you both all my love.


----------



## wishfulthinking

Louisej29 said:


> Oh essie my lovely I am absolutely gutted and upset for you and mr essie. I so hoped that result would turn itself around for today. Life is very very cruel and unfair and you deserve so much more than all this heartache you have endured.
> 
> I know you will be feeling so raw and emotional right now - cry lots and hold each other tight. Drink lots of wine. I hope you are able to take a little time off work.
> 
> Sensing you so much love and thinking of you lots xxx. Take care lovely X


This says exactly what I was thinking. I am so sorry.


----------



## deblovescats

Essie my lovely - I am so gutted for you, I was so sure this would work out this time! You have us all rooting for you. It is so devastating. I don't know what to say. You have so deserved a positive result, you would be such a wonderful mummy. I feel so much for you and Mr Essie. I hope you are trying to rest and be good to yourself. I can see how you want to get your life back on track, you and Mr Essie have such a lovely relationship so I hope you can take comfort in that. If you decide this is the end of treatments, you will find wonderful moments in your life. If you decide to go again for your free cycle, I wish you luck with that. Don't make a hasty decision, only you and Mr Essie  can know if it is time to let go. I am thinking of you both.


----------



## Northern

Essie I can only echo what the other ladies have said, I'm devastated for you, there are no words that can do it justice. You are in my thoughts and prayers xxxx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Essie, my dear, I am so sorry.  There are no words, it is just too awful, but I am thinking of you both.  Sending love xxx


----------



## Cheesy

Sending so much love. Wish there was something magical to say or do that would change today's result (or erase the pain). I know it took so much soul-searching and courage to go again; this isn't fair. 

Like Deb says, do what is best for you but don't make hasty decisions. 

I'm truly sorry xxx


----------



## Karhog

So sorry Essie, gutted for you both.     life can be very unfair


----------



## Polargirl1

*Essie*, I'm so so sorry to hear this, I had really hoped this would be your time  xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hello lovelies,

We're both so overwhelmed by all of your kind words.. I truly feel honoured so many of you have followed our journey and given your support countless times over the years.  I'm just sorry I couldn't give you a happy ending  

I haven't cried, not since Monday's test. I sway from being angry and sad shaking my head in disbelief, of the injustice, but mostly angry. Angry for so many things and for so many reasons. I must have been very wicked in a past life. Mr Essie says he just feels numb bless him.  We feel like there's us, then there's the rest of the world, like we don't belong. But we have each other and for that I'm very grateful. 

There was a moment today when I met my mum that emotions almost got the better of me.. she said my grandma whom I was extremely close to, would be heartbroken if she knew what I've had to go through, that I cannot have children... it was a real effort to suppress and fight back the tears.  My mum is so upset, I couldn't break down in front of her.  I don't feel like I should breakdown at all, it's strange, but I feel because I've been through more than one disappointment that I should now present a stiff upper lip... suck it up buttercup! I feel defiant against the universe and against me! I can't bear to look at my body, I'm so angry with it but at the same time sad because of all it's endured. So many emotions. 

I feel unfulfilled, like I've never accomplished anything that means anything but having children that would be the ultimate achievement.  What now? go back to my half-life, coast through life never to experience pure joy.. this is where the bitterness comes in and I always promised myself I wouldn't let this cruel journey make me bitter, I'm not a bitter person, but I'm feeling REALLY hacked off right now! 

I appreciate it's too soon for any decisions but right now I'm throwing my hands towards the universe and screaming "you win I'm done!"

Sorry for outburst but I did warn you I was angry   ..... and now I feel sad again Lol I'm all over the place  

On a brighter note the sun has shone this week and I had booked the afternoons off work in advance (thinking we'd have good news) so I've been able to drink wine on the decking    It's also our 7th wedding anniversary on Monday and though it will be poignant and bitter sweet, we plan to do something nice for the day.. may be just a walk on the seafront...

Huge massive thankyous to you all lovely ladies.. I know I've said it before but you are amazing  

Essie xx


----------



## bundles

Essie        It's been a sad week for me as you know & I'm all out of words    I know we chat but know that I will never give up hope for you. I'm convinced you will live happily ever after, it's just I'm not sure of the exact scenario at the minute 

Lots of love xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Oh Essie my darling I have tears streaming down my face after reading your post. I think each and every one of us wanted this to work for you guys more than anything and that we are all gutted that it didn't. You've been through more than most people will ever go through and at the end of it you still have that sunny and caring disposition shining through, that is who you are even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Life is truly unfair at times and you are quite right to feel angry as you have been dealt more than your fair share of ....
Like Bundles I will never give up hope for you and Mr Essie.
I'm glad you've got some time of work this week and that the sun is shining too, enjoy your wine on the deck and have a lovely wedding anniversary on Monday. 
Much love to you both xxxx


----------



## tealight

Darling Essie, 

Am so utterly heartbroken for you and can totally understand your anger but please, please, please you mustn't direct it inwards to yourself. 

This is NOT down to you, it's down to a million trillion variables that sadly IVF with all it's technology hasn't found answers to yet.  The truth is life isn't fair, good things do not happen to good people (think 80% of the population living off less than 1 dollar a day), no matter how much we wish for or even try and do things it doesn't always work out, we don't always get what we want and no matter how much we love someone it won't stop them from passing away. This is completely how life is and while we can do what we can to optimise our circumstances in life, ultimately the situations we encounter are NOT under our control (only how we respond to them). 

It is difficult when all the chat on the whole of FF thread is about fertility warriors and battles and strength and not giving up because it  implies that somehow if it doesn't work then we have not "battled hard enough or been strong enough" when this is clearly not true and some things are just as they are. 

I will never know why like you we haven't been blessed with children and like you go through ups and downs in disbelief and no doubt will continue to do so. You need to do whatever it takes to get your emotions out (including with your mum) and show yourself and your dh some serious self compassion and together I am sure you will find a way forward (whatever that may be or look like) but please angel,  do not turn the blame on yourself. 

Yours with so much love and kindness for both you and your darling hubby.
T. xxxx


----------



## Louisej29

Oh Essie sweetheart I have just read your post with tears and so much sadness for you. I am also angry at the world and the unfairness of a world that gives chavs baby after baby after baby but deprives lovely decent people like you and mr essie that same chance.  I have no answers - it's just beyond cruel  and I can understand  why you are so angry. You have been through so very much, probably more than most on this  site and I am truly gutted for you both.  

Don't make any decisions on the future right now.  Talk, cry, spend time together and try and let your body and mind heal a little.  I haven't given up hope for you-  and you will find happiness in your life. I know it doesn't seem it right now but you will.  

Lots of love and if I don't speak to you before Monday happy anniversary xx


----------



## nevertoolate

Hi,
I am both crying and so angry for you. I feel so angry like the others when so many people who just do not appreciate or love their children have no problems and we have to go through so much. We are all here for you and I send you love.....


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - I hope you're doing ok and enjoyed that wine! Have a wonderful wedding anniversary, I wish it had been under different circumstances, but you can still enjoy spending time together! Whatever you do, hun, never blame yourself, it is nothing you did or didn't do, it's just how life pans out! You could never have done anything bad in a previous life!! It's just how difficult IVF is and there's not always any way of knowing why it works for some and not for others. 
As others have said, it's not fair how some unsuitable women are able to get pregnant and yet those who would be wonderful mums, can't. Take time to consider your options. I hope you find a way forward and do believe, you can be happy, whatever that path is.
I'm thinking about you both.


----------



## ELW7

My darling Essie,

I too can't hold back the tears as I read your post   . I'm so devastated for you both at the unfairness and terrible hand you have been dealt with. I feel lost for words, as I know no matter what I or any of the other lovely ladies say on here, it's not going to help you right now, nor will our words take away your pain and anguish and for that I'm so truly sorry  

I feel so so angry for you and I said/shouted my own piece to the universe on your behalf at the weekend! With a lot of swear words in it!  God knows you've been through more than your fair share of heartache and you would think that luck and happiness should have finally been with you this time and I'm so upset for you that this wasn't the result we had all hoped and wished for, for you. I don't know of a couple who are more deserving than the beautiful Essies. This is not how it's meant to be for you both and it breaks my heart to think of the pain you're going through right now!

Please don't put any blame onto yourselves. This whole cruel cruel journey is out of your hands and you both gave it your all so you couldn't have done any more. I understand the huge range of emotions you must be going through but one thing is for sure, you do belong here and the world is a more special place for having such a special, courageous and wonderful person like you in it! I think you have had so many people rooting for you, because over the years, and after reading your posts, we have all been able to see what a truly lovely person you are, and we all wanted you to achieve your happily ever after so much because someone like you deserves such happiness. I have to say, I still feel deep down that it will come to you somehow and at some time and I know that you feel like saying enough is enough right now, but if at any point things change then you know you'll have us all here for you and I really do hope that something will happen to make you smile once again.

In the meantime please look after each other and take each day as it comes. Please don't feel you can't allow people to see how upset you are. I'm sure those like your mum will know deep down the pain you are in and will want to look after you as we all do on here. I'll keep you in my thoughts and am always here for you too anytime. Thinking of you on your anniversary and sending you both so much love and a huge huge hug, and I'm so sorry once again. All my love Emma xxx


----------



## Coolish

Oh Essie, I don't know what to say except, I'm so sorry. I'm thinking about you both x


----------



## ELW7

I know you'll have stepped away from here but still thinking about you and sending much love xxx


----------



## Amy76

Essie thinking of you & Mr Essie   I hope you managed to do something nice together for your wedding anniversary on Monday   xxx


----------



## Altai

Essie -im so sorry. thinking about you.


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies,

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond, I've been in hibernation and truth be told depressed, spending weekends in bed  . Weekends are the worst as I've nothing to get up for, no one to get dressed for, and once I'm in that dark place all I see is black and can't drag myself up. I know it sounds pathetic. It took me so long to recover from the cornual ectopic psychologically and I really don't want to go back there again.  Although I hate my work it does get me out of bed and gives me some respite from the deafening silence in our sad lifeless home. 

I've not been feeling well also and wonder if it's the stress of my parents first holiday with their only grandchild and my brother and his wife. Something I have dreamt of for years and years. They go this Sunday for 10 days. It breaks my heart in two that they're all living the family life and sharing and making such special memories together.  Not being able to give my parents, whom I'm extremely close too, a grandchild is the greatest regret of my life and I'm having trouble living with that.  Of course I'm pleased my parents who are 70 are now grandparents as they've wished for it for such a long time (since my 20's) but it's bitter sweet for me.  

Gennet have only just emailed me back yesterday to say how sorry they were and inviting us to a Skype consult or written feedback.  We will probably go for written feedback but need to get some questions together. A hard thing to do when you see no point.

Since my negative blood test, I stopped all meds and had my bleed for about 3 days. It stopped but after about 4 days I started spotting, vety light, pale.  I've had one long headache since last Tuesday 9th, my mouth is dry as a bone all the time,  thirsty, I'm tired, been lightheaded, have occasional pains in my stomach and feel sick. Now I know this sounds neurotic but could I still have an ectopic even though I had a negative blood test?  I just don't feel right. 

Thank you to each and every one of you for your heartfelt messages and pm's.  I'm sorry I've not done personals but please know that we both appreciate each one so very much   

Much love
Essie xx


----------



## mandalay

So glad you posted. Don't be alone. Please don't stay in bed  with your thoughts and sadness by yourself. FFs here full of ladies feeling the same. Please reach out and message.
Essie, you must see someone about your symptoms, if only to put your mind at rest. You said that they positioned the embryo low down so it's not likely to have moved as you fear. But you need reassurance. Contact your GP or A&E.
Not impressed with Gennet. On your behalf I feel angry that they didn't show more interest. I know it's a business etc but they should be more involved with their clients.
Dear Essie, have a big hug. It's early days in terms of your recovery. Your​ hormones are in chaos. It's a crappy wait and how to fill it? Hugging Mr Essie.  Sitting outside in the fresh air. Drinking some wine and talking a little. Day at a time. When he is not available, post. Don't dwell alone. ALWAYS someone on here. xxx


----------



## iklefeet

Oh Essie
Your post was so heartbreaking i needed to drop you a note to say how much I admire your strength and how much I'm thinking of you.  We've always been on the same gennet board but I think we've anyways kind of missed each by cycling at different times.

I know how dark these days after a bfn or a loss after loss can feel but you can get through this, these days will pass and the sun will shine on you again and you will feel like life has a meaning.

The hormones and the roller coaster of this journey drains every part of your body and soul so it's natural to take time to recover.  Please make sure you don't suffer in silence or bottle it up, speak to Mr essie and your family they only want your happiness and by sharing how you feel they can play a part in helping you through this depression. 
My heart goes out to you, I'm sending you all my love and wishing you find light soon.  One day at a time. 
Ikle x


----------



## deblovescats

Essie sweetheart - I feel so sad for you and Mr Essie. It's natural to feel so down after all you've been through. As you have symptoms, although it most likely isn't another ectopic, you need to get yourself checked out just to make sure. Take all the time in the world to recover and just spend some special time with Mr E. 
I know how you feel about your parents wanting grandchildren, but please stop feeling guilty about it, it's not your fault. I feel sad that my own father who died 10 years ago has never got to see my little ones, but I know I'm lucky to have them. I think my mother always thought she wouldn't have grandchildren, and she's now 88, she was 85 when my son was born, and I am so glad she got to meet them, but I feel sad that they won't have as long to get to know her as children with younger parents. 
I'm glad you can find some solace in work. Things will get better,  you will start to enjoy life again, it takes time. You are so strong although you don't feel it now. If your dark mood does not lift in time, maybe you should see if you need any medical support/counselling, but it's natural that you feel the darkness at the moment.
Be good to yourself and Mr E. I am rooting for you, like all the other ladies on here


----------



## ELW7

Oh essie     I'll pm you my lovely xxx


----------



## rubyring

Hi Essie,
I've been occasionally reading but not posting much. I just wanted to say I'm so so sorry. I hope you're feeling a bit better physically and if not you have got yourself checked out. 
As for depression it's a natural response so please don't beat yourself up about it. It's not much more than a year after you were so ill - it took me about 2 years after my infection/illness to feel like myself again and I was on antidepressants for ages, much longer than that. I'm sure most people didn't realise I wasn't quite right, sometimes struggling, sometimes more or less ok. It just takes a lot of time, and some things don't really go away.
I'm just gearing up for donor cycle no4, I may well be where you are very soon, it's so hard
Take care X


----------



## Louisej29

Thinking of you essie and hope you and mr essie  are doing ok.  Sending love xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi my lovely friends

So sorry not been on here for so long. We have both read all your messages and are really touched by your support and empathy as always. I tend to withdraw into myself and on dark days can barely get out of bed and I hate to post when I feel so low, even though I know I have such supportive friends here, so hope I haven't offended anyone by keeping a low profile.

Can I just say hello to *Rubyring*, thank you for popping on here and for your words of encouragement. It's a lonely journey but it's ladies like yourself and all the ladies on here that have kept me going, even when I'm not up to going on FF, I know you're all there. I think you may have had Transfer now, I hope it went smoothly and all the best for a BFP.

Hi Louise, Debs, icklefeet, Emma, Mandalay, Morganna, Tealight and Cheesy, massive thanks to you all for your messages and pm's.. apologies for those I've missed and for those pm's I've not yet got thing to replying too.. 

*LADIES*: It's 6 weeks since our bfn, and we only just got feedback today from gennet!! 

I'm copying their feedback, only with a view to explain where we're at..in a nutshell, it's a hopeless situation as we see it. Firstly, it seems Mr Essie's illness most probably had a negative effect on our eggs, hence neg result. Secondly, removal of tube for a next cycle is recommended but we both have reservations as it would involve bowel surgery due to tube stuck to bowel. Thirdly, timescale - given the possible dates given I can't see how this can happen if I'm to have surgery; being private paying I'm not in the NHS system (you may recall past difficulties trying to get medical help/support) and as it's nigh on impossible to get any surgery without them deeming it to be necessary it's very unlikely i would be referred in the first place AND in any event it would be months before any surgery, certainly not early enough for me to be ready for transfer in October! We could do a cycle later without removing tube just because it's free but since my body would be in the same state the outcome would be the same as previous.

It doesn't seem it's meant to be for us . We're booking a holiday too for middle of September with my parents which makes things even more difficult. With more obstacles in our way I'm sad to say I think I'm ready to throw in the towel..

I know I'm asking a lot of you to read this but wondered what your views are, I'm ready for hard truths...

Feedback:

1) Your donor was young and proven. Mr's sperm analysis was described as Normozoospermia according to WHO data but we are not able to determine whether the sperm was good "from inside". As to sperm quality in connection to some illness or and chronic medication, we can assume negative impact on fertilization resp. quality of embryos.

2) ) + 3) based on my records and Ultrasound findings here the mentioned fluid was rather hydrosalpinx on the left most probably due to clipping of residual tube without record of free fluid inside uterine cavity which would, of course, matter. Consideration of removal of hydrosalping from the last consultation remains and now seems to be even more advisable although the risk of bowel injury is to be weighed.

Draining of hydrosalpinx is not worth the recommendation due to the risk of infection and also limited and temporary effect.

4) As to recommendation for the next cycle : maintenance of regular cycling, generally good health of both partners avoiding concomitant illness and use of supplements like Zinc, Selene, E,C vitamin, Q 10 coenzyme, Arginine etc. for improving sperm quality

5) We can offer you these dated with A+ donor:

Start with protocol: 24th September
Egg + sperm collection: 6th October
Embryo transfer: 9th - 11th October

This third cycle is free of charge. You will not pay for the package (4900 EUR). Only extra service is not free of charge (like Embroysocpe and Embryoglue).

Much love to all 
Essie xx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Hello Essie,

Sending hugs, doubly so because six weeks is a damn long time be waiting for feedback  .

I've pm'd you before about what happened on my 9th DE cycle that made the difference for us... but I would further comment that my body forms adhesions at the slightest provocation and that inside, everything is stuck together making surgery a nightmare.  It has also meant that every gynaecological procedure I've had (esp ERPCs) has also resulted in severe adhesions inside the uterus.  Not all clinics test that the uterus is free from adhesions - the first one I went to didn't and simply recommended further transfers.  The greek clinics I've been to checked and removed them via hysteroscopy a month or so prior to ET.  It made a huge difference to the uterine environment.

I also had an ectopic pregnancy, and when it was removed there was some discussion about what should be done with my remaining tube.  Because the doctor knew about the adhesions, it was decided best to clip rather than remove it.  I can't pretend to understand all your feedback, but could clipping be an option rather than removal?
  
Your desire to throw in the towel is completely understandable, esp as this whole business is, quite simply, life consuming.  I'm glad that if you move forward in a different direction, you and Mr. Essie are there to support each other but do give yourself time... I think it is only natural to feel so low after everything you've been through, so please be kind to yourself.  And if you need some additional assistance, please reach out and ask for it, because there are times when we need that extra help.

Thinking of you and sending love,
xx


----------



## Tincancat

Awh Essie what a tough decision to have to make.  To walk away when there is perhaps a chance if tube issue is fixed. It might be worth having a look at the endometriosis section here on FF where ladies have had tubes removed, which were attached to bowel, in  Greece.  On the NHS it's possible as I have a friend who had her tubes adhered to bowel sorted out on NHS but it did take months. 
Sending you a big hug.  You are using donor so maybe you could take a year out? Could you ask Gennet to give you the free cycle in 12 months? .  This would give you the space to recovery psychologically from the constant stream of failed cycles and give you chance to get an alternative opinion on your tubes? After 12 months if you still feel like throwing the towel in then you do knowing you have had the time and space to be sure you are taking the right path for you.  At the moment you come across here as drained of emotional resilience and perhaps the emotional 'bank balance' (plus I'd imagine the financial one too) needs replenishing?  
TCCx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi Sassy - it's incredibly tough making a decision, we haven't really acknowledged the feedback between ourselves, I think we're both burying our heads in the sand and pretending nothing's happening.  I had hysteroscopy last year which reported no adhesions and everything looking "normal", in fact the consultant said I hope to see you soon in the maternity ward!  I had my left tube clipped when the right was removed.  The clip has swollen as I'm told it does over time, creating a hostile environment.  Thank you for your pm's lovely, I don't think I've replied to your latest yet, I am sorry    Hope everyone doing well at your end??

Hi Tincancat, Thank you for letting me know about your friend.  at least I don't feel like I'm the only one in this situation.  I just feel all these obstacles have been put in place for a reason.  Pre-ivf I wouldn't have thought like that at all and just powered on through all the obstacles, which I have up until now, but we're both fed up with it all now, while still wanting the dream......  Another year means another year older and I'm not sure I want to waste anymore of my life, our life, for the slightest of chances.  As you say finances are a big issue also, another reason I'm starting to feel guilty for booking a holiday instead of tackling this issue  

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate the feedback..

Essie xx


----------



## bundles

Hello Essie my lovely  

This will be brief as we are a house with chicken pox   I actually read your reply from the 13th thinking it was the last on this thread   and my initial gut thoughts were 1. Go to serum for a good clear out ! and 2. Do double donor. They were my gut response & ample as it is (!), after my 52 years, I now try to make a point of listening to myself   Then I read Sassy's & TCC's replies !! You know I want nothing more than to see you succeed but know that I can only imagine the extreme effects it is having on you, both, mentally as well as physically. 
You know you have my utmost support & love behind you both 

Bundles xxx


----------



## Karhog

Hi Essie

So sorry your so down, I can totally understand though, you have been through such a tough time.
Just to give you my thoughts I would also defo consider dd.
Although our fertility issues were not the same as yours (no real reason given to us ) but after 20 years ttc and many unsuccessful  treatments, we were also at the end of the line emotionally and financially 
Due to my advancing age by then we decided to try dd and it worked! I had begun to believe my body had become a hostile environment as apart from once ( ended in a miscarriage) nothing had ever implanted.
Really.....could be worth a go??


----------



## Flyby

I actually had the exact same thoughts as Bundles, I have met a couple people who have done multiple cycles of both OE / DE and it finally worked when they did DD. Also Serum's hysteroscopies are extremely thorough and well worth investigating I think. F x


----------



## mandalay

Hi Essie
So glad you posted! I'm glad that you got a report, even though it's late. It's something to mull over.  Please do something about the adhesion. Fluid should not be in your uterus just as it doesn't belong on your brain or lungs. For your health you must do something about it. Want you to be healthy whatever you decide to do. Find a GP who will listen and refer you. If your current one won't, change. Then research the best hospital/consultant in your region. You have the right to choose. Or go abroad. Please don't just leave it xx
I have two naturally conceived children but my uterus had developed a septum. Three failed attempts prior to finding it. And fluid. Operation to remove. Four months recovery. Now have my baby. I know of others who have had large fibroids removed after trying repeatedly. Six months later, success.
Either way, for all reasons, go for treatment to remove and then have a think.
I second waiting 6-12 months and DD.
Go and rest up on holiday. Heaven knows you both need it. xx


----------



## pixie1230

Hi Essie,

I had my tubes removed in Greece,Athens. Like you my bowel is stuck everywhere and the doctors told me that if i have another lap I might end up with a colostomy bag forever as I have a severe case of endometriosis. Like it is really bad. 

Anyway, for me to go on with my donor emrbyo cycle i know I need to take my tubes out or else i will just waste money and time on Ivf cycles. 
I was so brave enough to have it done in Greece under the care of Dr. Meridis in mitera hospital. He was able to remove my tubes and if u can see the video of my lap it was so buried that it took him hours just to get it out. He was a good surgeon and definitely give it a shot if u want. Feel free to message me if u have questions. I was at the same dilemma as you before. i was so scared and kost hope. But please dont
doctors abroad are skillful and if he can do my case i know he can manage yours.


----------



## mandalay

That's a lovely image and motto, Pixie. I hope you will hold your baby soon. Hope you are doing OK Essie xx


----------



## Blondie71

Hi Essie if I were you I 'd find the best surgeon you can and get those tubes completely gone (recovery is a week or 2 at most even if more invasive, and with a few valium you'll be up and at it in no time) then go for DD if you can xox


----------



## Clara Rose

Hi Essie, I agree with Blondie, I would find a good surgeon and get the tubes removed, then do DD. I had five failed transfers and, even though I was constantly being told that my fibroids were not causing the implantation failures, I decided to have them removed anyway. I found a brilliant surgeon thanks to recommendations on FF and I travelled down to London for the surgery (I live in Scotland). It was very expensive however is was totally worth it as my sixth embryo transfer resulted in my twins. I really want you to have your baby, there must be some way.

Love Clara xx


----------



## Louisej29

Hi lovely essie. Hope you and mr essie are ok and I think that holiday will do you the world of good. Where are you off to?

I'd also agree with the others.  Get the tubes removed and go for DD.  I know that might be a lot to get your head around but worth a thought.  I can also understand if you feel enough is enough.  You've been through so very much.  

Sending you lots of love and thinking of you 

Love Louise


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Hi Essie,
Still thinking of you and popped back to see if you'd posted.
I'd second the surgeons used by Serum in Athens (see Pixie's post above).  They're really, really good.  I travelled on my own there for surgery on four separate occasions. 
Another advocate for DD here too. I know several ladies who, having exhausted all other possibilities, tried this and it worked. I'm convinced there's still stuff about the sperm side of things that's not yet properly understood, even if all the tests come back saying there's no issue.  x


----------



## EssieJean

Well hello ladies,

Not sure if there’s anyone still linked up to this thread or still around but thought I’d give it a go.

Since last cycle I’ve stepped away from FF as we’ve really struggled & basically had a pooey year but I feel I need to offload now. hope that doesn’t come across selfish  

To cut a very long story short after months of deliberation and toing and froing driving ourselves crazy we decided to go ahead with a free cycle Gennet offered us, if only to draw the line once and for all. We have not told anyone especially where I work who think I was in Anglesey visiting friends a few weeks back when in fact we were in Prague. Fully expecting a bfn, this week we got a positive. A very strong one. Ordinarily we would jump up and down with joy but most of you know my history so instead it fills us with dread. I have had no remedial surgery suggested due to high health risks so we assumed if we did get a positive then only the same outcome as before can happen right?? Not to belittle a m/c but I prayed if we did get a positive and it wasn’t meant to be that fate would be kind to me and not have me go through yet another ectopic.

Ladies, I am only 3 weeks today and today’s hcg tests have come back at 5,000!!! Because of history they want me in tomorrow for a scan to check location. I’m crapping myself to be honest, I’ve already packed my overnight bag... DH has to work so I’ll be on my own. The nurses at EPU know me well and one particular sonographer’s face I cannot get out of my head as she’s given us the bad news at each loss and will more likely be doing the scan tomorrow. 

I know I sound so pessimistic but we’ve dared to dream and hope so many times before I can’t imagine a different outcome. The hcg is so high, if it’s not in the right place again they’ll keep me in. I’m terrified. DH was super  excited when I told him the levels and I’ve had to bring him back down to Earth because I don’t want him hurt again. 

I just keep thinking what have we done.... we really did do just this last cycle because it was free (our only free one) and so didn’t look back with regret, to draw the line and try to move on..

As I’ve said I’ve not told family, (apart from parents), friends or work so I just felt really, especially after today’s revelations, I needed to pour it all out on this thread.

Thanks for reading my rant, and can I thank those that have kept in touch and kept us in their thoughts  

Essie xx


----------



## Tincancat

Essie I'm delighted you went ahead.  Congratulations and keep that level head of yours as you wait to find out what's happening.
Do keep us updated.
TCCx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Oh my god Essie I can not tell you how happy I am to read your post and how’s I am hoping, wishing and praying that this is finally your time and that everything is ok. I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. You are such a brave girl and you totally deserve this. Lots and lots of love to you and Mr Essie xxx


----------



## Amy76

I’m so pleased you went ahead with the free cycle, keeping everything crossed for good news tomorrow, I will make sure & wear some lucky orange pants in support of you!     xxx


----------



## Jenso

Congratulations and I hope that the scan goes well tomorrow xx


----------



## ELW7

My lovely Essie, so wonderful to have you back and with such good news! 

You have so many if us rooting for you!!! I totally understand your worry and emotions and wanting to hold back but this is a great level and I'm hoping and praying with everything I have that you will face the good news you both so deserve tomorrow. I will be pacing up and down for you and I'm trying to hold back my tears as I write. This has got to be your time!! Take a deep breath tomorrow and just go for it and we will all keep everything possible crossed for you both. Sending all my love and a huge good luck hug, love Em xxxx


----------



## Louisej29

Oh Essie !  I have thought about you and mr Essie so much over the last few months so to hear this news is just amazing ! Emma texted to tell me - so I've logged on to send you all the love and luck in the world with tomorrow's scan.  We will all be thinking of you and waiting to hear good news.  NOBODY deserves this more than you 2 ! 
Go Essie !  
Xxxx


----------



## StrawberrySundae

Wishing you all the luck in the world Essie! I can relate as not far behind in terms of getting ready for 7th cycle next time, after 6 mcs - it gives other women hope to read stories like this, so all the best and fingers crossed!   xx


----------



## Cheesy

Lovely EJ this is such an exciting post to read. I realise and understand your fear and the memories that must be right at the front of your mind but... it sounds so hopeful. If you’re being (naturally) cautious, allow us to dream for you. Gosh I hope tomorrow’s appointment brings great news and then we can wish you a dull, non alcoholic Christmas & New Year  and 2018 being the year that dreams are realised. 

Crossing absolutely everything for you both xxx


----------



## bundles

Oh dearest Essie   Ive been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm so glad you went again and even happier to read your post. I'll be crossing everything in the hope you & Mr E get the Christmas present you both so richly deserve. 
Lots of love & hugs  

xxx


----------



## Flyby

I have also thought about you loads and often check to see if you have shared any news. This sounds so very positive and I truly wish you every bit of support and love to get you through all the anxieties this journey can bring. You deserve everything you wish for, I just pray that you will be able to relax at some point and begin to believe this can happen for you. I am so delighted that you continued to try for what you wanted. Congratulations, I hope you get through tomorrow ok. With so much love and admiration, Flyby xxx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - I was so pleased to read your post and I am so happy that you got a BFP - I'm just hoping and praying for you that your little embie is in the right place and that you have happy news at your scan. You've been through so much, it's your time now! I'm so glad that you went ahead and hope you get a happy outcome. This would be a good ending to the year! 
You have all our best wishes


----------



## Clara Rose

Essie! Oh, I'm so happy to read your news! I am keeping everything crossed for your scan tomorrow! Good luck x


----------



## nevertoolate

i am so willing good things for you. sending you love and best wishes for positive feedback xx


----------



## Northern

Essie it’s wonderful to hear from you with such a lovely update - sending love and hoping so much that everything is ok at your scan today, can’t imagine how you must be feeling xxxx


----------



## Artypants

Essie. so pleased to see your update, I am keep everything firmly crossed for a good result today


----------



## wishfulthinking

I stop in every once in awhile but never post.  I check to see if you have updated.  I am thrilled to see your update and hope that your dreams will finally come true and that you have a strong little embryo nestled in the right spot.  Good for you for going for the free cycle.  You have been through so much-you are courageous to keep going.  I hope your courage brings you the baby in your arms you so deserve.


----------



## fififi

Fingers, toes, arms & legs tightly crossed!!!
Soooo hoping it's a happy ending for you xxxxx


----------



## EssieJean

Soooooooooooo sorry for delay ladies, been a crazy crazy day...

ITS IN THE RIGHT PLACE!!!!

I’m actually 5wks not 3. Sac, no yolk - shouldn’t there be a yolk at 5 weeks?

Having bloods done again in morning. Still very cautious. Long way to go but farthest we’ve ever got..

They all remembered me at epu and it was nice seeing  them again, this time under better circumstances. They couldn’t believe I’d gone in with my overnight bag lol.  It Took sonographer a frustratingly long time to speak.. click clicking measurements and worst of all shaking her head at least three times. In the end I said it’s bad news isn’t it, just tell me. She said no, I just can’t see your ovaries.. I said stuff my ovaries is it in the right place??!  . She turned the screen round and said yes, smack bang in the middle just where it should be...

Wish I could’ve seen yolk too but so very grateful I’ve managed to get past first scan. Shame Mr Essie wasn’t there.

Still keeping feet on ground. We’ll see what hcg is tomorrow and go from there. If good they’ll scan me next week. It’s reassuring they want to keep a keen eye on me due to history.  Is this really happening?? Can’t allow myself to dare to dream just yet......

Have to say it’s lovely to have so many positive and encouraging responses from so many familiar faceless friends. I know some of you only pop on now and again so i feel really grateful that you’ve kept me and Mr Essie in your thoughts  

Xx


----------



## K jade

I've not posted here but always followed your journey and have been awaiting your update today .
So over the moon for you right now !!!!
I think lots of people on FF are going to be cheering u on.(not too much pressure then ) I've got everything crossed you will get there one milestone at a time 
kjxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

OMFG I am literally dancing round my bedroom at this update, this is the best news I’ve had in ages. One step at a time but I know the first scan is a major hurdle for you and you’ve totally nailed it. I’ll be on tenterhooks until your next update so god knows how you guys are feeling. Yipeee Mr and Mrs Essie xxx


----------



## Louisej29

YES!!!!!  Brilliant fantastic news- been checking in all day to see if you've posted. So happy for you and what a relief it's in the right place - will be willing that little embie to keep growing big and strong and healthy. I know it's early days and you're cautious but this is a massive milestone reached so well done you !

Glad you didn't need that overnight bag!  

Lots of love 

Louise x x


----------



## MadameG

Essie I’ve also been following your journey for a long while, congratulations!!!! xxxxx


----------



## Amy76

That’s fantastic news!   I hope tomorrow provides more reassurance for you both   xxx


----------



## bundles

xx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you so much KJ, I’m glad I’ve been able to pass on good news for a change, especially to those like yourself who’ve followed my long journey.. thank you for sticking with it   Hope you are well lovely  xx

Hey Louise, thank you! And thank you for your pm too. Sorry haven’t had time to reply to that, it’s been non stop.  I know you’ll appreciate where I’m at right now but yes it such a relief to reach this milestone.  Bed is calling me now, emotionally drained but in a good way   Hope you are well xx

Thanks so much MadameG, I’m glad I’ve been able to give something back   xx

Amy thank you, I’ll pop on and let you know xx

Haha Bundles.. only you could send me the biggest Mexican wave.. LOVE IT! Thank you my friend xx


----------



## morganna

Dear Essie,
WOW WOW WOW!!!!
this is incredibly wonderful news!!
i am so so happy for you.
I have often looked on this forum for any news from you. So this is just absoultely great great news.
Congratulations!
Cannot wait to follow you, and see that bump grow!!!
fantastic news.
love,
Morganna.
P.s. you will be absolutely fine!! you and hubby are so young, compared to me! i had my first age 57 and i am 60 now, and i am going for another one!!


----------



## Cheesy

Whoop whoop. I am so glad it went well. Hope you can keep busy and your next bloods and scan put your mind at ease. Your fan club are all with you xxx


----------



## ELW7

Wonderful Essie, as you know I've tears streaming down my face at your news!!! Happy ones of course! This is the best Christmas news ever and I'm so pleased it was amazing news for you today. I understand how cautious you must feel but you have got through that first HUGE hurdle and we are all right behind you as you get through each and every stage to Come!  Come on team Essie!!! I hope you manage to sleep tonight and the bloods bring reassuring news tomorrow with another positive scan next week. This has got to be your time!!!!!!! Sending all my love..... This has made my Christmas         much love as always Em xxxxxxxxx


----------



## Northern

What an absolute Christmas miracle - FANTASTIC news Essie, I'm so delighted for you!!       
So much support on here for you it's just lovely to see, know you need to be cautious but what a huge hurdle you've just passed - praying that it's all plain sailing from here. Congratulations to you and Mr Essie! Xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Excellent news Essie! I'm cheering for you all the way!


----------



## Tincancat

TCCx


----------



## Stacey10

Oh my gosh this is wonderful news, you crossed my mind last wk, and now this


----------



## RB76

I'm so so happy for you Essie - more than I can say in words on here actually 😘
Please keep us updated!!


----------



## EssieJean

Oh wow, I’m overwhelmed by all your wonderful messages.. they’ve really brought a smile to our faces, we cannot thank you enough for your support and positivity.  I wish I could message you all individually! It’s been a long journey and you’ve always been there for me  

Just a quick mention to Twinkle Toes.. you make me laugh with your dancing in the bedroom  

Well, the scores are in - today’s result 10,300 so more or less doubled. In for scan 2nd Jan. first day back at work which is typical. Have to think of excuse for going in late... would’ve liked an earlier scan but hopefully we’ll see something for the very first time after 10 years of trying.. I don’t think it’s sunk in yet that this could finally be happening for us..

Essie xx


----------



## K jade

Eeek!! Excellent news!!
Think this deserves a dancing banana! !        or two!! 
xxx


----------



## nevertoolate

amazing news, i am so happy for you xx


----------



## Cheesy

Better and better dear Essie. All sounds bang on track.


----------



## Amy76

What fantastic news & the best Christmas present! xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

I’m not joking Essie, this is literally the best news I’ve had in ages and has really made my Christmas. I will be saying a wee prayer for you and your precious cargo each night  
Now you and Mr Essie must relax and enjoy Christmas and you must definitely be waited on hand and foot, that’s an order!!! I can’t tell you how happy I am for you guys xxxx


----------



## ELW7

Twinkle, you've taken the words right out of my mouth    I couldn't have put it better myself! Fantastic news and it has really made my Christmas Essie! I've prayed for this for you for so long and even my mum had tears when I told her today! Wishing you both the most wonderful Christmas and listen to twinkle, get those feet up! Sending much love and positive baby vibes oh and bring on the morning sickness    ...... but not too much of course    Xxx   love Em xxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Wowser Essie and Mr Essie tears of joy!!!!!! Delighted for you! Best news today from you! Love love love that this is totally your time! Funny as I sent you a PM today And have been massively thinking of you! Lots of love to you both ❤❤Xxxxx can’t wait for your next update xx enjoy Christmas both of you xxxx


----------



## fififi

Essie - another one with tears here!!! So, so pleased for you.
You were very brave to go to first scan alone and can imagine how scary that must have been. Brilliant that is was continued good news and you & Mr E could start those smiles coming along!
Enjoy touching your tummy over next week & bit knowing your secret baby is growing inside. Plenty of smiles & happy thoughts was recommended by accupuncturist to maximise those positive endorphins zooming around.

Have a wonderful Christmas & enjoy the now xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Shoegirl10

This is fantastic news!! so made up for you!! Here is to a healthy 9 months ahead of you !!! So happy!!!!!!

xxxx


----------



## Shamrock.

Wow Congrats Essie. Delighted for you. All sounds like it is developing just as it should be. Happy Christmas x


----------



## Northern

Tears in my eyes reading this - just amazing Essie I'm so happy for you! What a wonderful Christmas you'll have picturing your little one growing away and imagining this time next year....keep dreaming lovely and look after yourself xxxx


----------



## rubyring

Hi Essie, this is fantastic news!! So happy for you - and you are giving me hope to carry on after my 5 failed DE cycles, I have often wondered how you were. Hope everything continues to go really smoothly and textbook, and have a fabulous Christmas!!


----------



## morganna

Wonderful Christmas Eve news!!!!!!!!


----------



## Karhog

Wow...just signed in to see this absolutely fantastic news!! Huge congratulations to you and Mr Essie, amazing happy news!!!


----------



## miamiamo

Massive congrats to Essie. Have a wonderful Christmas!


----------



## Maggiephatcat

I’ve not commented on this thread before but I’ve followed your journey, Essie. I’m so happy to see your wonderful news   


Maggie xx


----------



## Dory10

Essie   Such lovely news, merry Christmas xxx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - I'm so happy for you - and tearful. You so deserve some good news. You've had so much heartbreak, this is now your time. I'm so glad that the pregnancy is progressing as it should - keeping everything crossed. It's such lovely news at this time of year - makes you think that miracles can happen!


----------



## Baking Queen

Fantastic news Essie. I haven’t been on here for a while and to see this as the first update is wonderful. Here’s to an uneventful and happy 8 months of pregnancy.
BQ. xx


----------



## NowOrNever

OH. MY. F**. GOD.  

Wooooooooohhhhhhooooooooooooo. I'm so pleased for you. Please god this is YOUR happy ending. I have a good feeling about it. 

What an amazing Christmas and just the best feeling for a new start in 2018. Its your year. 

Big hugs.
NoN


----------



## RED13

*Essie.....your inbox is full!*


----------



## ELW7

Thinking of you for your scan tomorrow Essie and hoping all is well xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Everything crossed for you tomorrow lovely lady, will be thinking of you all day. Hope you and your wonderfull hubby have had a fantastic Christmas. Oh and a very happy new year to you and all the other ladies too. Lots of love xxx


----------



## Amy76

Wishing you lots of luck for today   xxx


----------



## morganna

GOOD LUCK ESSIE     
MORGANNA XXXX


----------



## RED13

Good luck Essie. All crossed for you!  
Red13


----------



## Cheesy

Hoping for the best update ever from you Essie. Good luck xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi wonderful ladies,

Thank you for your good luck wishes and prayers- they worked! We saw a heartbeat 💗 I’m 6+4 today. In the right spot and perfect 😄

We’re a bit shell shocked but very happy we’ve reached this milestone.

Of course we never get just good news to enjoy. Mr Essie’s mum is gravely Ill and not expected to be with us much longer. We’ve been at the hospital all new years and before. After we had scan we went straight from there to sit with his mum,  so we have mixed feelings and so many emotions to cope with at the moment..MIL’s situation has taken over precedence waiting for the inevitable, but then we have this wonderful news that we’re unable to enjoy as we would in normal circumstances. But we are very pleased and overwhelmed, it seems surreal. To think we’ve finally seen a perfect heartbeat after all these years.. I keep staring at the scan picture I never thought I’d see..

The next scan is in 2 weeks on my birthday.

Thank you for all your pm’s and continued support and encouragement on this board. We’re feeling very lucky indeed!

Hope all is well with everyone.

Happy New Year to you all
Lots of love
Essie xx


----------



## Artypants

That is amazing news!

So sorry to head about Mr Essies mum, sending hugs x


----------



## K jade

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
this is just  the best news ever!

so sorry to read of your MIL . a bitter sweet day for you both 
xxx


----------



## RED13

Congratulations Mr and Mrs Essie!!!
Feeling very emotional for you both!
Sorry you both are both dealing with Mr. Essie`s Mother being gravely ill. 
 
Red13


----------



## Dory10

Fantastic news on your scan   but sorry to hear about your MIL   Xxx


----------



## morganna

Oh Essie this is wonderful news for you.  You must be so pleased.  And also sad too, with MIL being so ill.
A very mixed emotional time for you.
But hold onto that little piece of joy, because you have waited SO long for this!!! And hubby too.
I am thrilled for you both.
Love,
Morganna xx


----------



## Clara Rose

Oh Essie, I'm so very.,very happy for you. I'm sorry to hear the news about your MIL.

You and Mr Essie so deserve some happiness after all you have been through. I am wishing you and your little one all the best.

Clara xx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Wonderful wonderful news Essie, I’m so so happy for you guys. I’m also really sorry to hear about Mr Essies Mum. Don’t feel guilty about being happy at a time of sadness as you’ve waited a long time for this and have suffered much heartache in the process. Big hugs to you both     Xxx


----------



## northernmonkey

Hi Essie,


I’ve never posted on your thread before, but have been reading your posts for months and am absolutely thrilled to hear you got your bfp and your scan news today.  I must have checked my phone 20 times today waiting to find out how your scan went!!! Truly delighted for you and your dh. 


Really sorry to also read that your mil is so poorly.  Praying for you that she pulls through. 


NM
x


----------



## Roxychick1976

Essie and Mr Essie firstly I’m very sorry to hear the sad news of ur mother in law!!!! Thoughts are with you both!!! 

I’m absolutely overjoyed with ur news and grinning from ear to ear!!!! Great news!! Feeling emotional after the journey you have both had!! Sending so much love to you both ❤❤


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words... 

we are delighted and your messages make me grin from ear to ear!  It has been a long journey but we have not been alone and this journey has been just as long for you too!  . I’m just glad I can finally provide you all with such good news and hope  

Xx


----------



## MadameG

Happy tears in my eyes reading your update but at the same time I am so sorry that it is all bittersweet at the moment. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way   xxxxx


----------



## ELW7

Lovely Essie, this is the most wonderful new year's news ever!!!! I'm soooooo happy for you guys I can not tell you and have tears streaming down my face! I bet you did too on seeing that beautiful flickering heart beat! This is definitely your time and I can't think of anyone who deserves this more after everything you have been through. We'll keep those positive thoughts coming for you every step of the way     Well done lovely lady!

I'm so sorry to hear about your hubby's mum though this is very sad indeed and bittersweet. My thoughts are with you both but please look after yourself too  .
All my love Em xxx


----------



## bundles

Essie darling I am just so thrilled for you both   I have tears in my eyes, this journey has been so long but you know I've never given up hope. I'm sorry about your MIL. Hopefully she can share your joy & may that help her feel a part of this little miracles life  

xx


----------



## Stacey10

Oh gosh what a mixed bag of emotions you will be having   so happy to log on and to read this wonderful news, and like everyone else, so sorry to read about your mil, and the fact that your having to deal with this sadness in what should be a really magical time for you both


----------



## Amy76

I am so pleased that the scan went well   I’m sorry Mr Essie’s mum is so ill, I hope your little miracle provides comfort for you both at such a difficult time   xxx


----------



## pookiepoo

Essie I am so happy for you! You go girl!!


----------



## Tincancat

Essie I do hope you can share your joy with Mr Essie's mum and may it give her some comfort to know there will be happy times for you ahead.
TCCx


----------



## Coolish

Essie - this is absolutely brilliant news! So pleased for you and the hubby - it's been such a long and torturous journey for you both. I'm sorry to hear about your MIL and I'm hoping that your little miracle can be a comfort to you all x


----------



## Togetherness

Essiejean just to say really pleased to hear this news! Have stumbled across updates from you occasionally since I had ivf having been grateful and stayed around a bit to support others after the support I got. Never posted to you as wasnt sure what else useful to say on what must have been a really hard  journey. So sorry to hear about you Mil.. Just wanted to say congratulations, enjoy and please look after yourselves during such a tough time. Take care rest and relax as much as possible. My mum has not been well during 2017 so I know this won't be easy to acheive. Looks like you have rather a lot of people willing you on. Great to see. Will say a prayer or two! Xx


----------



## cinnamon75

Essie I've only just popped back on here after a few months and am overjoyed to have come across this news!!!! I've just told Peggy too and I bet she'll be on here soon to also congratulate you. I can honestly say I have everything crossed for you xxxx


----------



## Cheesy

Dear Essie it’s fantastic that little beanie is in the right place and right for dates and generally perfect. I hope you can breathe just a little. I bet you’re willing on the days to your birthday when you can next see little beanie. It’s amazing the development in those two weeks. I wish you continued joyous news. 

I’m very sorry about your poor MIL and how conflicted you both feel. Is she conscious; does she know about the preg? I expect it offers her some comfort if she does. It’s a cruel twist sometimes that it seems like a much loved soul makes room for a new one. It’s very hard. But I hope this scan picture and hope it offers brings comfort to you both in the days ahead. I hope your MIL is comfortable. It would be so great if she could rally but you’re talking about “the inevitable”. 

Hope you’re managing to get plenty of rest. Look after yourself hon. Big love.


----------



## Northern

Essie I’m so thrilled and relieved your little one is looking so perfect!! Such amazing news, praying for you that it continues and you have happy news again on your birthday xxx

Very sorry to hear of your mother in law, I hope she’s comfortable and not in any pain, it will be a comfort to her to have you both close by and know your happy news. Love and strength to you both and do look after yourself! Xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi my lovelies,

So nice to see you all on here and the support is amazing as ever! So many familiar names  

Sadly MIL passed away yesterday  . She’d been in a care home with dementia but caught pneumonia which they don’t treat if advanced dementia. So she didn’t have any fluids meds, nothing, and she deteriorated quickly.  She had a will of iron and lasted a lot longer than expected.  Once FIL arrived yesterday (mr essie was already there) she let go bless her. We still haven’t told anyone about the pregnancy but i did whisper in her ear that she was going to be a grandma... I do hope she heard..

Due to circumstances we haven’t been able to rejoice in our news, but we will when the time is right.  

Hi cheesy - I said exactly the same about a spirit leaving and one entering the world - I like to think MIL’s spirit lives on inside me.

Xx


----------



## Northern

Sorry for your loss Essie, and Mr Essie.  I feel sure a part of her will have heard you when you whispered her your news. Xxx


----------



## Cheesy

I think she does Essie. You’re nurturing a piece of her. And like Northern says, I’m sure on some level the news registered. I’m very sorry for your loss. Hope Mr Essie and the rest of the family are OK (as OK as you can be) and trying to enjoy treasured memories. Best wishes for the days ahead.


----------



## Dory10

I'm so sorry for your loss Essie   I definitely believe she'll have heard you, my Mum told my Auntie our news at a similar time and I believe she passed knowing. Take care and look after yourselves you've had such a lot to get your heads around in the last few weeks xxx


----------



## Karhog

So sorry to hear of your and Mr Essies sad news. Must be very mixed emotions, I've just read your update and I am delighted to hear your little bean is growing well. So happy for you both. X


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Essie I’m so sorry to read about Mr Essies Mum, I think whispering your news to her will have given her great comfort in her final moments. Sending you both big hugs, I’m sure there will be much rejoicing amongst family and friends when the moment is right for you guys to share your lovely news. Take care of yourself lovely xxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Essie and Mr Essie so sorry for your loss! Please accept my heartfelt condolences xx thinking of you both at this very sad and difficult time! Huge hugs to you both xx❤❤


----------



## ELW7

Oh Essie, I am so very sorry to hear about your mum in law. Thoughts of you both during this difficult time and I hope Mr Essie is bearing up as ok as he can be right now, as I hope you are too as I can imagine it is such a hard time right now. I'm sure she will have heard your whisper and that will have given her such comfort before she passed.  I'm sure she will watch over you all now and ensure your little one grows healthy and strong. I hope it brings you a little comfort to think that maybe deep down she thought that it was her time to go so that a new life could flourish. Look after each other as you always have done so well and take care of yourself my lovely. Big hugs to you both, Em xxx


----------



## morganna

Sad news for you Essie, and for your DH.


And thank God, your husband has new life coming forward to make his sorrow easier to bare.


And yours too.  


Your MIL is released now, and in such a better place!


Morganna xx


----------



## Positive-guin+

Essie I'm so sorry to hear the sad news about your MIL. Big hugs to you and Mr Essie and to your FIL. 

It must be hard having such conflicting emotions.

I also wanted to say I'm absolutely OVER the moon for you and your family - such bloody fantastic news!!! I have not been on in ages but I do think of you
from time to time. What an amazing strong woman you are and Mr Essie, of course (not that I'm saying he's a woman..) I'm just too tired to reconstruct this sentence. I'm sitting here typing with tears of joy rolling down my face - it is really just the best, best news. I can't wait to tell my DH in the morning.

Big hugs and I hope when the time comes you both get to relish in the joy that you so deserve.

Much love XXX


----------



## NowOrNever

Essie

When is your next scan? Still thinking about you, and so sorry to hear about your MIL. 



NoN


----------



## gpn

Oh wow, its months since I've been on FF and so apologies to be rather late in saying this but congratulations Essie, just the most amazing news. I've never met you and yet I'm sat here in tears (of joy) for you (though very sorry about your MIL). So so pleased it is finally your time and hope all goes smoothly.


----------



## ELW7

Lovely Essie, have been thinking about you and Mr Essie and hoping you are both getting through the difficult time after your mil's passing   xxx. I think today is your birthday?? So wishing you a very special birthday and I'm hoping with everything that the scan brings you the best birthday present ever!!!      Sending much love and luck, Emma xxx


----------



## Cheesy

Like everyone here I check back for updates. Did you realise the size of your fan club? If ELW is right, happy birthday and hope the scan brings you the best present ever


----------



## EssieJean

I’m here!! Sorry for delay, been a heck of a few weeks.. MIL’s funeral Tuesday, tough day, I gave an eulogy at the last minute having not told anyone but one that everyone appreciated.

Obviously for above reason I have purposefully kept away from FF and from telling anyone out of respect, but I think Essie-in-law would love us to share the news now and enjoy the moment  

Yes Cheesy, ELW is correct, it is my birthday (49th!) and we saw the most amazing baby measuring 1 inch, strong heartbeat, still perfect, still in the right place, jumping and moving around  

Ah gpn bless you  
Positiveguin thank you, I couldn’t have gone through this long journey and been strong without all you lovely ladies.. we are all incredibly strong  

I wish I had time to message each and everyone of you, you’ve all been through this journey with me.  If i could put a scan pic on here I would. We didn’t know what to expect to see at 8+6 but as it turned out I am 9+1 and you can clearly see an arm and leg.

I promise I will get round to dealing with my pm’s.. extreme fatigue and sickness continues to plague me...YAY  

much love to you all
Essie xx


----------



## Dory10

Fantastic news    so so happy for you xxx

And Happy Birthday to you


----------



## Clara Rose

Oh Essie that's wonderful news! So pleased for you.    


Love Clara xx


----------



## Northern

Oh Essie this is the news we’ve all waited for!! (You more than anyone of course haha) - what an amazing update and I’m emotional reading it.

Must have been a very hard few weeks but you’re right I’m sure your mil would be only too thrilled that you finally have this news to share.

Enjoy that morning sickness!!! 
Xxx


----------



## K jade

Just fantastic!!! 
xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you so very much Dora, Clara, Northern  and k jade loving the wiggle dance X


----------



## morganna

Ahhhh.................best news ever!!!     

Happy Birthday to you. 

Take care, and keep us posted when you can.

Cannot wait to hear the flavour         ]

Huge hugs         

Morganna xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Oh Essie I am so so happy for you my lovely strong virtual friend and what a great birthday present to see those little arms and legs       My dh has also just told me to tell you he is over the moon for you too. I knew your time would come and here it is 💕 Here’s to morning sickness and fatigue, it totallt rocks!!! Sending you lots and lots of love xxxx


----------



## Tincancat

Go Essie go!


----------



## ELW7

Oh Essie, what totally amazing birthday news!!!! The best ever!!!! I have tears of joy that this birthday has brought you the most wonderful sight..... a waving pair of arms and legs       . I can breath a sigh of relief! Or should I say, we can! You have so many of us rooting for you and your little miracle and I'm so happy that everything is going to plan! Ha I agree with twinkle, bring on that morning sickness!! You'll definitely be rocking it!  . What a very special birthday indeed.  Hope you've enjoyed a giant piece of birthday cake... enough for two  .  Sending lots of love and a big birthday hug   Em xxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Ohhhhhh Essie crying here!!!! So over joyed for you and Mr Essie! Must have been so emotional seeing the scan today!!! Sorry don’t know how to do dancing bananas but having a little jig here for you! Amazing miracle which is so deserved!!! You embrace the morning sickness 😘😘 happy birthday my lovely! 

When’s your next scan?

Sending so much love to you both ❤❤ Xxxx 

Can’t wait for your next update xxxx


----------



## MadameG

Essie!!! Eeeeeeeeeee!! Yay to morning sickness      xxxx


----------



## Amy76

Fantastic news on the scan, I’m so happy for you!  

Happy birthday!   

xxx


----------



## fififi

Wahhhhhhhoooooooooo !!!!!!

So happy I'm crying again! Really, really pleased for you.
Enjoy your birthday - got the feeling you will have!!! Xxxxxx


----------



## deblovescats

Happy Birthday Essie - what a wonderful present! Hope you have a wonderful pregnancy. By the way for reassurance - I was 49 when I had Lydia!


----------



## NowOrNever

Imagine the big 5-0 celebrations next year - up to your eyes in nappies, no sleep, birthday cake down your top and trousers coz you've missed your mouth  .  It'll be bloody great!! 

Everyone will say it, but STOCKPILE THE SLEEP NOW. Whilst you can.

I'm super excited for you. It's just the best news.


----------



## bundles

Essie my darling, I know we spoke yesterday but I can't not comment as one day you will want to look back and see your amazing journey.

Firstly  for yesterday and secondly











































































































































































When I saw your text & the scan I was a blubbering wreck  and still had to finish my journey home !!! I always did prefer even years & I truly believe this is your year my lovely 

xx


----------



## Karhog

Yippee!!! Fantastic news. I absolutely loved seeing those early scans...it's amazing to see that jumping dancing little baby. So so pleased for you both xx


----------



## Cheesy

I just want to write expletives I’m so excited. But I’d better not. What an amazing way to move on from a v tough week. Honey, sickness sucks but I bet you are also loving it. Hope you can enjoy some of this now and date to dream. 

Belated birthday wishes too. xxx


----------



## katkat2014

Dearest Essie I haven't been on here / communicating with you lovely ladies for a while but what absolutely amazing, incredible news to read! Congratulations from the bottom of my heart!I am really so so so happy for you


----------



## Louisej29

Oh Essie your news makes me so so so happy as I truly cannot think of anyone who deserves to be a mummy more than you.  Feel so emotional for you as what a journey you've been on but you never ever gave up and your miracle is on its way.  

Hope you had a good birthday ( yours is a day before mine !) what a way to Always remember the last one of your 40s with that scan.  When is the next one ? 

Keep looking after yourself and take it easy xx. Lots of love.


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovely ladies  

Thank you all for the Birthday wishes and congratulations!  Mr Essie also wants to pass on his sincere thanks    Although we still in shock, reading all your wonderful messages makes it all very real now and dare I say it, beginning to enjoy the moment...

Before I forget Happy Birthday Louise for the 19th - hope you had a lovely day  

I'm just looking through all the messages and so many of you have been through the journey with me and given your love and support throughout, whilst going through your own journeys.. you're all amazing  

My next scan is next Wednesday, 31st.  I've just managed to book a midwife appointment too.  That's the day before scan, both at 10.15am, an awkward time for me to escape work, so I may have to tell them earlier than I wanted to.  I'm actually dreading telling them, even though they know what I've been through, our department has just recruited newbies to help with workload, they're still in training, so its up to me carry everyone at mo.  The powers that be have commented how happy they are to see the department getting stronger, and there's me, about to jump ship!    It shouldn't bother me, but it does.  Mr Essie can't wait for me to, in his words, "tell em where to stick it" lol, he's not a fan of where I work - they're not exactly sympathetic and don't like anyone having time off for anything, unless they take holiday entitlement.

Anyhow, the fatigue and sickness continues... have to say it's throughout the day, although evenings are worse.  I do my clexane and pessaries at 7pm, I go upstairs and very rarely come back down, especially after a day's work.  I'm not complaining of course, just hope I get my energy back in a few weeks...I could cope with the sickness if I wasn't so tired all the time    Guess I should get used to feeling like this  

Mr Essie's a little bit terrified due to our ages, as am I but not as much - I suppose when Baby Essie is here all of those concerns will melt away - here's hoping!

I honestly can't believe I'm sat here typing all this to you, can't believe it's happening... how did I get here LOL  I remember going to Prague, then everything else is a blur   

Hope you are all well,
Love n Hugs
Essie xx


----------



## Clara Rose

Essie, I can't tell you how delighted I am for you and Mr Essie!    


Try not to worry too much about your age..I worried about that too at first, I am a terrible worrier and I read all the scare stories! But everything is great...my girls are now two and a half and I manage fine...in fact I think they must be keeping me fit as I feel healthier than I did before I had them!


I'm sorry to hear you have sickness and fatigue...I didn't have any sickness but I did have fatigue...mind you the fatigue is nothing compared to what you will experience once your little one is here. Make sure you take it easy and get plenty of rest. x


----------



## Blondie71

Awww this is just a special treat to read Essie!!!!! ❤❤ amazing news and success really is sweet 💋 enjoy every minute of it xoxo


----------



## Miracle2018.19

Hi Essie,

I have just found your posts on here and just wanted to say a huge congratulations!!  
I was looking everywhere for someone with the same health problems as my self. 
I have Endometriosis and adhesions everywhere and both tubes are blocked and ovaries attached to my bowels. 
I had one miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy after IVF. 

Doctors won't remove my tubes due to severe adhesions and risk of damage to the bowels. 
So I was looking everywhere to see if there is any hope and then found you! 
I need donor egg IVF due to low egg count at age 32 but this gives me hope!

May I ask if you had one or two embryos transferred?
I am wondering if transferring only one day 5 embryo would reduce the risk of another ectopic pregnancy? 

Hoping your pregnancy will go well and wishing you all the best  

Miracle xx


----------



## rubyring

Massive congratulations!!!!  Fantastic news for the new year. I hope you'll keep us all posted.
Of course very sorry to read about your M-I-L. For some of us things are never straightforward are they?
As I said before, you are giving me hope - I have very little left now. If you have a minute, it would be helpful to know if you did anything different this time? Or do you think it's just luck and some of have to just keep trying multiple times?
Take care x


----------



## Moragob

Essie - how fabulous to read this wonderful news.  I wish you every joy through your pregnancy and beyond.  Miracles DO happen and when they do it's just fantastic.


----------



## Louisej29

Hi essie. Hope the sickness and tiredness is easing up a little.  It's tough when you are at work and all you want to do is sleep! 

Don't feel bad- they haven't always supported you very well so it will be a wonderful feeling when you tell them you soon won't be there! 

Good luck with your midwife appt and with your next scan.  It all seems to be going fast now.  It's such a surreal feeling isn't it when you've waited so very long for it.  I remember feeling like I was in a bubble and could not quite believe it was happening.  My twins are nearly 3 and sometimes I still can't believe I'm actually a mum.  I think going through so so much to get there makes you a better mum as well. I cherish every moment and thank my lucky stars every day-  You will be a great mum ! I'm so excited for you both X 

Keep taking it easy as possible - will you find out what you're having or have a surprise 😀😀

Xx


----------



## Cloudy

Essie I have just seen this and so overwhelmed with happiness for you. this really is fabulous news xxx


----------



## ELW7

Lovely Essie, I hope everything went well at the scan today and you even got a little wave!! Have been thinking about you.  Hope the sickness and tiredness is easing a little and you're still enjoying this magical feeling! Much love   Em xxx

Miracle and ruby ring, wishing you both lots of luck! Don't give up hope    xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

I’ve been thinking of you all today Essie. I hope everything went well at the scan and you got to spend some quality screen time watching little baba dancing about. Love to you and your dh xxx


----------



## fififi

Essie - been sending oodles of positive thoughts 'north' these last few days.
Really hope the scan went well and you had a caring midwife who will be the type of person to boost you xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## fififi

PS once in the 'baby world' you'll soon discover that actually there's lots of older mummies. Plus you'll actually feel younger & end up in disbelief that your birth certificate implies you're older than you genuinely realise !!!!
Xxxxxx


----------



## Cheesy

Dear Essie

Just checking in and hoping that your scan and the MW booking appt went well. Been thinking of you.


----------



## Mochashosh

Essie, I just wanted to say that I've been reading your story today, and it has broken my heart and filled me with joy by turns.

I am so delighted that, after all the heartache and sorrow, you have achieved a pregnancy.  I send you love and prayers that it will be the most beautiful, healthy baby.  My dear, you so deserve it, as do we all.

xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi ladies!

Update is here.. so sorry to have you waiting on tenterhooks.. extreme fatigue wipes me out everyday, it's all I can do to get through a working day! I'm in bed for 8 every night struggling to keep awake. I've even missed a couple of clexane injections because I've nodded off at 7 

Midwife appoint went well, although didn't get a bounty information pack as they'd run out, nor a voucher to get one.. this is most disappointing. I know I'm probably not missing much but after 10yrs it's kind of a big deal to me LOL I've subscribed to Emma's Diary and got a voucher for one of their packs but still to find somewhere who have them in stock. Appointment lasted a little over an hour, went through history etc. Apparently I'm a 'geriatric mum to be'.. I wasn't happy about that so told her I prefer 'vintage'  BTW thank you for the encouragement *Fififi* 

Next day we had scan, now it's becoming real! Bellybob was asleep until they heard all the chatter and laughter and jumped up to join in  We decided to name my bumb Bellybob because (1) s/he was bobbing around a lot on our first scan and (2) s/he has cost us a fair bob . I have to mention Melissa our sonographer/ nurse who has been with us for 8 years, through all the tears, sadness and losses. She, and a few others who've we've become close to along the way, have been tremendous. When our pregnancy was first confirmed they all came into the scan room to 'have a go'  Theyre all in EPU and our cut-off point is next week when I'll be 12 weeks (eek), I'll go to the newborn centre after that.. I feel sad I won't see them again, but so happy we've got to this stage.

So next to come is our dating scan , next Thursday. Mr Essie is so sooooo excited, he's a different person, wanting to improve house, get niggly jobs done that I've been asking to be done for years, working even more hours, being even more attentive..... its great!! . I still need pinching from time to time, is this really finally happening??

You've all been so very supportive and I read every single message over and over.. I know I haven't done personals, but please know every single message means so much... oh no, now I'm in tears  Happy tears tho.

Thank you for all the pms too; twinkletoes, Apples, Emma, Louise, RED, Cheesy 

*Rubyring* and *Miracle* - thank you both for your post. Ive tried many different protocols, different dosages, introducing intrilipids and magnesium drips. Each cycle took so much energy mentally emotionally and physically as everyone can attest, we started exercising, changing diets, lifestyle, trying new food fads and other people's 'miracle workers'. My protocol wasn't that different from last few times; progynova, estrofem patches, prednisolone, duphaston, progesterone, clexane, aspirin, 3 pregnyl injections. Although because of my post menopause state I started prepping my body with estrogen earlier as it was thought jumping straight into a full cycle was putting undue stress on my body. . In the past I took all manner of vits for immunes (see anglebumps post for extensive list), this time, just pregnacare and fish oil to help with blood clotting disorder. AND and it pains me to say this now, but this cycle was treated as a "it's our only free go offered, let's get it over so we can draw a line over this 10 year torturous journey for good and try begin rebuild a life for us!" attitude.. Honestly, not one time did I think there would be a possibility of it working..because I hadn't had any recommended surgical operation due to the risks involved i didn't have any hope that it would work, that I would just get the same results as before....We just went through the motions with not much conviction, a blasé attitude. I only say all of this because I really do think if it's going to happen it will irrespective of what you try, that's not to say you shouldn't try different things (go with your gut instinct), but I think a calm body and mind goes a long way in creating an hospitable environment. I can't say don't give up hope because that's the stage we got to, everyone has their line to draw and only the people involved can make the incredibly hard decision when that is. We said we would stop at age 45 and here we are at 49!

I know none of this will probably help your individual situations but I hope it goes some way to urge you on, even if it becomes your one last go  Good luck to you both, sending lots of prayers and good vibes your way 

Essie xx


----------



## bundles

Essie my darling, so glad it's a happy update, & so exciting !! Try Boots for your pack & if they don't have them get them to order them in !!! There was a list of clubs & freebies on my clinic thread that a dear FF did for us, I'll try to dig it out for you  

LOVE Bellybob, the name will stick with them for life, I know ours has  

Lots of love xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Oh Essie, I'm over the moon to read your update!  Just so happy for your and Mr Essie. Bellybob is such a lovely name. I hope you're enjoying every minute of your pregnancy, despite the fatigue...I was where you are now exactly three years ago, and I know how you feel about having to pinch yourself.


I didn't get a Bounty pack either, though I did get loads of stuff in hospital once I had had the girls. Hopefully you will get one from Boots or the Bounty website.


Clara xx


----------



## Dory10

Fantastic update Essie   Such lovely news and it's lovely to be able to share the happy times with those professionals too, we have a lovely Matron on EPU.  Just keep carrying your bounty pack card around and you'll find somewhere that has them, we had to wait until we went to a huge Boots in a big city to get one of them.

Love the name Bellybob  

Take care xxx


----------



## Louisej29

So so pleased to read this Essie.  Amazing update! It really is happening and how exciting for
You both. Glad mr Essie is doing those jobs as you'll have no time once baby is here ! 😀
I was called a geriatric mother to be as well.  Remember thinking how cheeky that was at the time!  Fiffi is right tho- you will meet lots of older mums out there. ! 

Really am so happy for you. Miracles do happen. When my twins were born emma sent me a lovely thing for the wall saying " dreams really  do come  true " ( do you remember emma!?) 
In your case Essie, they really do as well!- and so well deserved xx. Hope the tiredness eases off soon x. Take are


----------



## RB76

So pleased for you Essie. Look out for your updates regularly! x


----------



## wishfulthinking

Wonderful news Essie!  So happy for you at your good fortune finally!  You deserve all the best.  

A friendly lurker,

Wishfulthinking


----------



## morganna

I've been checking in every day, to hear your update!!!  
And I am so so pleased for you Essie. And for your DH.
How lovely that he is fussing over you and fixing up the house!! perfect husband, LOL.  .
I look forward to hearing the 'flavour' of your beanie.


Super exciting times for you.


Lots of love,


Morganna xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Phew Essie thank gawd for that!  I’ve been on tenterhooks since wed checking for your update. I’m am so so happy for you both and it’s such a joy to read about mr Essies excitement and to literally here the happiness in your voice. I just want to give you both a big hug  
I can’t wait to her your next update when you’ll be officially in the 2nd trimester, this is when you’ll really start to blossom in your pregnancy, the tiredness will ease off and you’ll have that lovely pregnancy glow. You have a whole team of supporters here and baby Essie, or rather should I say bellybob, has a lot of aunties sending lots of love to you all. 
Take it easy lovely and enjoy the rest of your weekend xxx


----------



## Stacey10

Phew ! So happy for the two of you, to read this update !


----------



## Amy76

I’m so pleased for you & mr Essie   exciting that you will get to see bellybob again very soon!    I hope you manage to get your well deserved bounty pack, I recommend the John Lewis parenting club, I signed up to it & got a cute little soft toy!   xxx


----------



## ELW7

Hurray            
 . This is such wonderful news Essie, I'm so pleased for you both. I've been on edge waiting to hear this fabulous news! I bet it was an amazing sight to see, your little own bellybob..... love it! So glad s/he joined in all the excitement with you all! I bet the staff there are over the moon for you both as they'll have lived this journey with you. We had a midwife with Hope who then happened to be with us with the twins and we still keep in touch with her now as her support and care on our journey meant so much to us. I'm glad you've had such a caring team and so lovely that they finally get to share your happy news with you! You'll have made their day/ week/month their year in fact!    

I love how you told your m/w you are a 'vintage' mummy! That's definitely the best way to put it! Mind these days a lot of the time I feel like a geriatric  . Hope you're getting plenty of rest and putting your feet up whilst you can. Glad Mr Essie is looking after you (and the household chores  ) well! Make the most of it for the next 6 months hehe. 

I'm so glad all is progressing wonderfully, you deserve this so much and and I can't wait for the next Team Essie update! Much love as always, Em xxx


----------



## fififi

Essie - not sure I can type due to the amount of tears running down my face. Was so anxiously awaiting your update that your happiness and the joyous news have well & truly set me off!!! (Not to mention memories of similar experience)

Truly delighted for you & Mr Essie - us vintage ladies rock!!!!!!

My hospital had Bounty Bags when I went for my 12 week scan - think the midwife was utterly amazed that someone could be so thrilled to get a plastic bag filled with 90% junk mail!!! But the 10% of good stuff was worth the joy!!!!

There'll be more Bounty packs as your pregnancy progresses. Look out for the 'Bounty photo' voucher as it'll give you freebies even if you don't buy any photos. I got a beautiful photo key ring. (Then about 6 months later Bounty emailed me to offer me my photos at way way less money than in hospital price which I excitedly ordered lots of!!!!)


Really, really happy for you. Do keep us posted on future scans etc.
Enjoy finally passing into the official 'maternity unit' xxxxx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie hun - so happy for your and Mr Essie - it's amazing to see that little baby on the screen! I'm so glad you got there.
Love the term 'vintage' mum -will have to take that on board for myself! You can do it. We older ladies can be such great mums. I was 47 when I had my son, and 49 when I had my daughter - and they're thriving and I'm loving it.
So pleased for you


----------



## Cheesy

Yippee. And Phew. I think I’ve been holding my breath a little, waiting for your update. Love, love, LOVE your update. And bellybob is an awesome name. How great of Mr Essie too cracking on with all those little things. I think that kind of sums up how life is somewhat on pause when we’re TTC and dealing with set backs. 

Onwards and upwards for team Essie. Can’t wait for the next update. Look after yourselves - Mr Essie too.


----------



## Tincancat

Lovely update.  Keep us posted with how you get on.
TCCx


----------



## Cloudy

So happy to see a lovely update - so pleased for you both  

Xxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Phew been holding my breath checking for your update!!! Love love love your update ❤ So happy for you and Mr Essie. Enjoy every minute of this special time. Have u told ur parents and brother / sister in law? Keep sleeping and resting up! I’m so happy for you both and can’t wait for ur next update. Sending so much love to you both ❤❤ Xxxxxx


----------



## iklefeet

What an absolutely amazing surprise Essie, I've been off ff for several months taking a break so I've just caught up with your exciting beautiful news. I know I'm late to this celebration but I'm just over the moon for you guys.  
You have been so strong on this journey you truly are an inspiration and its just amazing that things have finally worked out for you. 

So much love and hugs for you and bellybob xxx


----------



## NowOrNever

Yippeeeee. All good.

Bounty - I didnt know about it until I had my little girl - they signed me up in the hospital. I still get emails now (she's 3). Lots of deals on the email though.

Love hearing how things are going. 

NoN xx


----------



## K jade

It was my last day of holiday when your update came through.
so it turned a sad day into a happy one for me!



Can I do this?? YES.  I blxxdy well can!!!!


----------



## Northern

Lovely update Essie!  Can't believe you're nearly 12 weeks - can't wait to hear more of Bellybob's progress!! Xxx


----------



## ELW7

Hey Essie, how are you and bellybob? Was it your 12 week scan today or is it next Thursday? Hoping if it was today all went well and that you enjoyed another lovely peek at your little miracle! Keep on getting plenty of rest lovely! Much love Em xxx


----------



## katkat2014

Hello essie was just checking in on you, what a wonderful update! You're a huge inspiration to me k x x


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies

It was my 12 week Scan last Thursday... where I was told I’m yet another week further ahead! At this rate I’ll be giving birth in a few months  . Bellybob wouldn’t move where the sonographer wanted it to go to enable neck measurements so had me jiggling on my tummy and when that didn’t work, asked me to go jog around the hospital and up and downstairs! I was knackered! It still didn’t work. Thinking re-naming Bellybob, Lazybob lol They managed to get most measurements tho and everything looks good   We even got a wave and an action photo  . 

all my tests came back good too.

Soooo today I’m 13 + 4!  It’s so scary as me and Mr Essie still feel like we are in the early stages/early scan stage.  

Don’t know whether it’s down to my age or the pregnancy stage but I get short of breath very quickly and I’m still tired. My iron levels are normal so I’m hoping it is a stage that will phase out soon. 

Hope you all well.

Icklefeet, nowornever, k jade, northern, Emma and katkat, thank you all for your kind words. 

I’ve so many lovely messages saying that I’m an inspiration but the truth is all you lovely ladies on this thread are the real inspiration as I wouldn’t be where I am now without you, there’s no way I could have kept going. You’ve all cheered me on and been my shoulder in dark times whilst going through cr*p times yourselves.

Big hugs to you all   

Essie xx


----------



## RED13

Amazing Essie! 13+4? wow!
Congratulations agin!
Red


----------



## Ruthannah

This is amazing, I read your story and made a little prayer after saying why why why then i jumped to this page. I am so happy for you Essie and i wish you all the best with your Bellybob aka Lazybob
xxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Mr & Mrs Essie I’ve been waiting for your update! Just gorgeous and just perfect ❤ Much love can’t wait for your next update xx lots of love to you both xx


----------



## Cheesy

Another fab update EJ. 

I had breathlessness too, I later found out it could be due to progesterone levels. I think I noticed it most in the earlier stages. Not sure if it stopped or I got used to it. 

I’m wishing you the dullest, most uncomplicated pregnancy in the world and hope you enjoy it all. Will you wait for your anomaly scan at 20 weeks or do a cheeky one a bit sooner (maybe even to find out the gender?)

Love to you both xxx


----------



## Tincancat

Wonderful news Essie.  Next stop 20 week milestone.
TCCx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

What a lovely update Essie, I’m so delighted for you both. Now your entering the 2nd trimester you’ll start feeling better and can relax a wee bit and really enjoy being pregnant, and it won’t be long before your bump starts to show too 💕
I too had breathlessness but it was a bit further on than you. Are you weaning off your meds now? 
Are you going to find out the gender or will you wait until the birth? 
Enjoy this very special time with mr Essie 💕
I can’t wait for your next update xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Great news Essie, I'm so happy for you both. xx


----------



## Angedelight

This story is heartwarming!!! Such an amazing read. Congrats Essie and Mr Essie 💕💕💕


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you ladies  

RED, Roxychick, Ruthannah, Tincatcat, Clara Rose and Mrs- C - thank you  

Hi Cheesy and Twinkle Toes   glad to hear breathlessness is common in pregnancy, I thought my age was giving me away already! I'm still on progynova, pessaries and clexane injections.  Gennet said to stop at 12 weeks but local hospital want me to carry on until 16 weeks and I suspect they'll want me to carry on with injections for a while longer yet.  We've had chats about knowing the gender and decided because ivf is so exact and you have no control over knowing every single laborious stage of the process, it would be nice to take some control and have a surprise - though don't hold us to that, we may break at the last minute!    

I'm consultant-led and have an appointment with her next Thursday, which actually classes with my last scan with epu so that'll need re-arranging.  I think I'm having the flu jab at the consult, I've had all other tests already.

Essie xx


----------



## Faithope




----------



## ELW7

Hey Essie, this is wonderful news    I'm so pleased that everything went well last week! That's another hurdle down so you're well on your way now, hurray! In fact a third of the way now!! Eek! 

Oh, try and hold out finding out what you're having until the end if you can  .  Part of me was desperate to find out what we were having mainly because I'm soooooooo nosey (to the point I've unwrapped and rewrapped presents before!  ) but my hubby thought the same as you in that we had no control over any of the ivf process and this was the only thing that we could actually keep control of.  There were times I nearly crumbled (sending him out of the scan room to get me a drink of water and me wanting to bribe our lovely midwife to let me in on the secret  ) however, I'm so glad I didn't cave because the amazing reveal at the end is the most wonderful surprise you will ever have!!! It was the best feeling in the world and the fact it was such a lovely surprise for everyone else too was an added bonus. On saying that I can't wait to find out what you're having    but I'm sure I'll last until your dd  

Oh my days, what is wonderful is the fact we are all taking about this with you!!!!!! I bet you still can't actually believe it! So glad to be having these conversations with you! Hope you're still resting up and Mr Essie is still doing a great job of looking after you! Sending much love, Em xxx


----------



## Amy76

What a fantastic update!   I love checking this thread & seeing good news after everything you have been through   xxx


----------



## morganna

Awesome news Essie.  Sooooooooooooo happy for you!!!!!!       
Big hugs.
Keep us posted!!
love,
Morganna xxx


----------



## katkat2014

Essie that's wonderful news!! And Happy Valentine's day. What a relief to have passed the 12 week (well 13 week) mark. Wishing you lots of energy for the upcoming months


----------



## DailyJoy

Dear Essie. I haven't been around for a long time. Today I just wondered what is going on with my old ladies and saw your post.  
I am so so so very happy. I can't tell enough how emotional I felt when I saw your news about Baby Essie. 
I hope everything will be fine and you'll be bestest mum ever.
Much love to you and your family.


----------



## fififi

How are things going Essie?
Hope morning sickness lessened and baby progressing well xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi ladies

Sorry for late update, I've been ill and not felt up to posting, in fact I'm in bed now, I came home straight after our scan today. We heard the heartbeat, amazing, 145 beats per minute! Mr Essie recorded it on his phone. I watch it over and over. I had two scans and we'd invited my mum to go in with me for the first, she cried of course..they didn't have scans when she was expecting so it was quite overwhelming for her. All well with baby who was very fidgety today!

Sickness and tiredness subsided thank goodness although this illness/bug has got a firm grip on me 

I'm 17 weeks now and I've a little bump  struggling to wear my normal clothes. I've still not announced it to everyone at work although they must have noticed I've put on a few pounds . Think it's time now before they start thinking I'm going for the Greggs I ate all the pasties Award! 

Still hard to believe this is really happening.. don't think it will until LO arrives ha ha.

Btw did anyone go to the Baby and a Toddler Event? There's one in Manchester in March and wondering whether it's worth it. Oh oh, that reminds me, some very important news..we bought our first big item..a pram/travel system! Supposed to be almost £800 but received a Bounty voucher and it cost £445!! It gets delivered tomorrow and can't wait to see it 

Hi *dailyjoy*, thank you for your lovely message, it's always so nice to hear from old 'friends'.. hope you're well x

Hope you are all well and surviving this very long winter without too much distress. It's time we had some lovely warm sun!

Take care lovelies
Essie
Xx


----------



## bundles

Oh Essie such a lovely update   I've been thinking of you often but so busy at home that I keep forgetting to text   How lovely for your mum, and how lovely that this Sunday you can be happy in the anticipation of next year's Mothers Day  

Big hugs xxx


----------



## morganna

Hi Essie,


Great to hear from you!!
Please rest and get well. Put those feet up!!!


This Mothers Day is going to be special for you.  


AFM.............I am off to Cyprus tomorrow, and have my transfer on Saturday.      
Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!


Morganna xxx


----------



## Tincancat

So excited for you Essie.  Hope you can believe it's really happening now.
Lots of love to you and Mr Essie 
TCCx


----------



## EssieJean

Don’t worry Bundles I know how it is.. hope you and yours are all well now x

Morganna you’re a real life Wonder Woman!   I admire you so much. Will have everything crossed for you, all the best     x

Thanks Tincancat, I’m still in my bubble and not quite believing.. soon that bubble will burst and reality kick in with great force   (in a good way of course  ) x


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Ooooooer a pram is coming tomorrow, just wait until it arrives it’ll be like being a kid again and getting the best present ever. I bet you guys have it built in an hour and are practising your moves with it   

I love your updates Essie, they really put a smile on my face and bring a wee tear to my eye. No wonder your mum was in tears as I well up just reading about it. Enjoy your special recording, it time to believe....... this is ACTUALLY happening. Woooohoooooo 🎉🎉🎉
I hope you feel better soon lovely xxx


----------



## Amy76

Another lovely update Essie   xxx


----------



## Offthewall

Essie - just came to FF on a passing visit and saw your wonderful news! That’s honestly the best thing I’ve heard in ages. Am so pleased that you are finally about to become a Mummy  
Will be back more regularly now, to see your lovely updates xx

Also great to see some other names on here that I recognise. Love to you all xx


----------



## Clara Rose

Great update Essie, so glad things are going well


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you Twinkle Toes, Amy and Clara rose.  Offthewall, thank you - always great to hear from the Genneters  

Ladies, still suffering stinking cold. Held off with medication until this afternoon when I folded. We going away for an overnight stay in Windermere on Sunday and I’m desperate to feel better. I’ve just taken a sudafed which I’ve been told is ok. But, I’ve just read that paracetamol is fine but aspirin isn’t. I’m concerned because I’m still taking aspirin, together with clexane. My gut reaction wants to stop the aspirin even though hospital still want me on it. What are your thoughts please?

Xx


----------



## Tincancat

Low dose aspirin is supposed to help prevent you developing pre-eclampsia so it's recommended for us older ladies I'd continue.
TCCx


----------



## EssieJean

Thanks TCC..appreciate that. Knew there was another reason but not thinking straight at mo xx


----------



## Clarabelle71

Just read the beginning of this thread and delighted you are expecting Essie. Iam 46 and told to keep taking the baby asprin and iam 16.5 weeks. X


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you Clarabelle, and congratulations!  You’re not far behind me at 17+2   hope all is going well x


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Essie my lovely like the others have said low dose aspirin is given to prevent preeclampsia and I was on it throughought my pregnancy so please don’t worry about that. I had an awful virus when I was preggers and my gp told me to take paracetamol as a course as it builds up in your system and becomes more effective. I also had a mega sore throat so she prescribed me effervescent paracetamol to gargle with them drink and it really helped. Not sure if you’ve got a sore throat but if so it might be worth trying. Hope you feel better soon and can enjoy your night away with DH xxx


----------



## Clarabelle71

Thanks Essie. Iam doing well but still get anxious. I want nothing more than this baby to be alright and still scared to buy baby items. Every passing week is like a milestone though. X


----------



## Cheesy

Great update EJ. I’m another who took the low dose Aspirin throughout. I had a major problem getting the pharmacist in Tesco to dispense it at one point and had to waste my GP’s time with an appt and to get an NHS prescription for it. Although my clinic and the NHS consultant both wanted me on it, I hadnt bothered with scripts since it’s so cheap to buy. I actually cried in Tesco. Bloody hormones!

Hope you feel better soon. I’ve a stonker of a cold too. Hope you have a wonderful break x


----------



## Mels11

Belated congratulations 😘😘 Not been on here in so long and this was the best news ever & so very deserved. Wishing you a lovely healthy pregnancy. I’m going to have to get on here more often now to read your updates xx


----------



## bundles

Essie my lovely   I think you're 18wks now  so congratulations !! I think we would all love to see a ticker in your signature now


----------



## ELW7

Hey, happy Easter Essie and to all you lovely ladies. I hope you're over your bug and cold Essie and doing well. Have you had your 20 week scan yet? I bet you can't wait for another peek at your little miracle. So wonderful for your mum to be at your last scan too! I know how much you have wanted this for her too! So exciting that you're starting to buy all the necessary bits. Your house will be full in no time!   Hope all goes well with the scan. Thinking of you and sending much love as always, Emma xxx


----------



## dumbwing07

Ladies..

has anyone heard from Essie?

thanks xxx


----------



## miamiamo

@dumbwing07 - let's hope everything is fine


----------



## dumbwing07

miamiamo - Yes, god I hope so hun xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi ladies!

Soooooooooooooooooooo sorry for this extremely late post. First of all, everything is fine. All good with baby.

I've not felt able to come on to post for a while due to extreme fatigue, stressful job where I have been dumped big time, noisy nuisance neighbours, and being ill to boot  I feel like I'm coning out at the other end though now, but I've literally been getting home and going to bed, and dragging myself through the days.

I'm now 22+1 - can you believe that??! 20 week scan went really well and got the cutest picture of Bellybobs looking like he/she blowing bubbles.

I only yesterday announced our news at work and that was mainly because I've run out of clothes to wear that hide the bump, but now I have the bubble of excitement has risen to the surface, and work has at last settled a little, so I can start to try and enjoy the moment 

*Bundles* - I'm blaming it on baby brain but I can't fathom out how to put a ticker on 

Fififi, Sassy-lassy, Clara Rose, Dumbwing thank you for all the personal messages;

I'm truly sorry to have worried you all 

Essie xxx


----------



## Northern

Oh that's fabulous news Essie, been wondering how you are!  That must have felt such a milestone telling people at work and being able to share that news.  Hope they are supportive and can help manage things a bit to reduce the stress on you. 
So happy it's all going smoothly and Bellybob seems to be thriving!

Xxx


----------



## K jade

Fab news Essie!  xx


----------



## fififi

How wonderful you've reached the 'tell work' part of this journey. I'm so happy for you.

Hope things improve health wise, at work & with neighbours xxxxxx


----------



## RED13

Hi Essie!
Wow! 22 weeks already!
Great everything is going well and baby is blowing bubbles at you at the scan!
Red13


----------



## Clara Rose

Great news Essie...absolutely delighted for you!


----------



## Sassy-lassy

My goodness Essie, I think lots of us are just delighted and relieved you’re okay!!!  Thank you so much for posting ❤  
So happy to hear the baby is doing well - please just focus on that.. everything else (including stress at work), forget it.  Even a few months from now, it’ll just be background noise, believe me.  
Sending love - oodles of it - and positive vibes xxx


----------



## dumbwing07

Essie- thank God for that! Hun I am so happy all is well! I've been worried, hence diving on this thread to check on you and baby Essie. 
Amazing news on your 20 week scan! I do not know anyone who deserves this more than You! Lots of love xxxx


----------



## Karhog

Great to hear that all is well, take care and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Wonderful wonderful news Essie, I love to read your updates as they really fill me with joy. Glad things are easing off a bit at work and you’re feeling a bit better now. I’m really excited for you guys so god knows how you must be feeling!!! 
Baby Essie will be here before you know it 💕 enjoy all the lovely things to come and take lots of photos of your ever growing bump
Lots of love 
Xxx


----------



## Cheesy

Super update EJ. I’m sorry it’s been a hard time all round but great you’re coming out the other end. Congratulations on telling work. A happy milestone!


----------



## Roxychick1976

Wonderful update Essie! Sorry you have been having a tough time but glad to hear things are getting better! Not going to lie, I’ve been stalking this page patiently awaiting your updates 😉 Glad bump is growing nicely! So exciting!!! Sending lots of love to you and Mr Essie ❤ Xxx can’t wait for your next update 😘


----------



## ELW7

Hi Essie, this is absolutely wonderful news that all was well at your 20 week scan!!!! I'm so thrilled for you that you are finally feeling a bit better and can now start to enjoy this magical moment with everyone else too! What an amazing time you have got ahead of you. Thanks for keeping us all updated! Look after yourself and that gorgeous bellybob! Much love Em xxx


----------



## miamiamo

Amazing news Essie - congrats xxx


----------



## iklefeet

So great to hear your update Essie, how exciting hitting such a big milestone,  things must be starting to feel really real especially after telling work. I'm so pleased for you both.

Make sure your work is putting you and baby first, nothing is more important than you two right now and unless you're a surgeon no one ever died from a missed deadline or decreased workload and it will be nice to take moments out and to savour and enjoy this much desired and awaited pregnancy.  Big hugs

Ikle xxx


----------



## bundles

Essie my lovely, I've done you a ticker (finally !) but I'd really like you to add it - if you want to that is. I've tucked it on the end of your reason for joining, so if you go to your Account Settings you should find it there beginning 'url=https://lilypie.com' Just copy & paste on the end of your signature in your forum profile  I used an EDD of 14/08 but let me know if his is wrong. I hope you like it 
Hope all is ok ? I text a few days ago & today had a very long chat with an old friend of ours who is just so thrilled for you. Can't wait for your next update 

xx


----------



## ELW7

Hello lovely Essie, how are you and bump doing? Hope all is going smoothly. I think of you often! Sending love to you all   Em xxx


----------



## Louisej29

Hey essie.  Been a while since I've touched base with you so thought I'd drop in to see how you and baby are doing. Hope all is going really well and you're feeling ok.  How many weeks are you now ?  Exciting times ahead.  Thinking if you and looking forward to hearing an update.  Lots of love xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

I’m just popping on too to give you a big wave lovely lady. You’re bump must be in full swing bynow and I’m guessing you’re in the third trimester so hopefully you’ll be positively blooming. Hope you’re managing to take it easy at work and are getting plenty of rest xxx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Hope all is going smoothly Essie, thinking of you lots! xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies  

Hope you’ve enjoyed your bank holiday! It’s been cracking weather   Hope you’re all well.

I’ve been off work for a week nursing Mr Essie whose had a double hernia op..ouch! A stressful time him being self employed but heyho, he hopes to be back earning in a couple of weeks, not having the recommended 6 weeks off.

Anyway! I’m now 28+4!! In my third and final trimester can you believe?! Everything going really well, baby growing strong and healthy, and a proper little wriggler   Had a scan at the placenta clinic to check baby’s growth and the results came back a low chance of baby under developing/growing  . We’ve still managed to resist temptation and not find out the gender.. although there’s been a couple of accidental occasions when it’s been intimated our original gut reaction that it could be a girl might be nearer the mark  

The nursery is coming along, I bought some Jungle Art Decal Stickers and we’ve been busy with those, all 200 stickers! It’s a slow process, especially with Me Essie out of action for now, but it’s looking really cute and a proper nursery. To think we had resigned ourselves to the fact the room would be a guest room instead still leaves us dumbfounded now...

I had a call last week right out of the blue from our local EPU.. Melissa and several other nurses had been on our 10yr long journey and been there for all our losses. It was wonderful to hear from them. Melissa said they’d just rung to check everything was going ok, but that they regularly check my ante natal notes to keep a track on me... I was so touched..

I’ve only just over 6 weeks before I finish work and my bump is so neat and tiny, but I expect that to change in the coming weeks.  We’re going to Scarborough for a mini mini babymoon (2 nights) the weekend I finish, then I’m in for c-section two weeks after that. Seems bizarre talking of mat leave already, the time has gone soooo fast! There’s a hundred things on my to-do list before the arrival!!

I hope you’re all well, thank you so much for the messages.  

Bundles.. thank you for sorting my ticker lovely lady.. I copied and pasted but nothing seems to have happened  

Love to all
Essie  
Xx


----------



## Amy76

What a lovely update   other than poor mr Essie & his surgery, I hope he makes a speedy recovery   Not long now, I bet it is amazing sorting the nursery & counting down the weeks after such a long journey   girls are fab if the accidental hints are correct!  

xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Fabulous update Essie and the perfect end to a lovely sunny day, obvs not so good about poor Mr Essie though! You sound really relaxed now which is great to hear. Wowzers only 6 weeks until you finish work, it’ll fly by and before you know it you’ll be on your way to hospital to meet your precious bundle of joy. Enjoy these last weeks gorgeous girl. I always look to see if you’ve updated the thread as I just love to read about how well things are going for you guys and I literally can’t wait for the BIG announcement, I think there will be a fair few of us with tears of joy that day xxx


----------



## Cheesy

HI EJ,
Thanks for writing your lovely update. I hope MrEssie isn’t too sore and I wish him a speedy recovery. Gosh, decorating the nursery; how long you’ve waited to do that! It’s just wonderful. Lovely that te EPU nurses reached out too, a really kind touch. See how many people you’ve touched along the way.  You’ll have lots of visitors on the post natal Ward honey, be warned: family and staff alike. Get yourself a nice new nightie lol. I’m just so thrilled to hear everything is progressing so well. I hope your last weeks at work aren’t stressful and that you’re comfortable and well through T3. Like everyone here, I’ll remain looking out for your updates. Look after yourself and keep doing what you’re doing xxx


----------



## bundles

Oh Essie such lovely news    I think your signature is too long to fit the ticker detail in, can you condense it ? Hope Mr E feels better soon xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Dear Essie, what a lovely update! I hope Mr Essie makes a speedy recovery. If the baby is indeed a girl then I'm delighted for you...girls are great!  Wishing you all the best. xx


----------



## Tincancat

Another heart warming update.  So pleased for you and Mr Essie. Mr Essie should be fit and well to help you out after the little one arrives. 
TCCx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Essie what a lovely post! I am always looking out and waiting for your updates like all the other lovely ladies. Ouch Mr E wishing you a speedy recovery!!! Wow your bundle will soon be here ❤ It’s going fast! I agree there will be plenty of us with tears of joy with the big announcement. Exciting times finishing up work and preparing the nursery that you thought you would never have. 

Sending love to you both ❤❤ Looking forward to the next update 

Take care lovely lady xx


----------



## morganna

Wonderful news Essie.  
Morganna xx


----------



## Louisej29

Essie my lovely! Fantastic news. I felt all emotional reading your post- decorating the nursery.  Wonderful.  I still look at my little ones rooms even now and feel so blessed they are not the guest rooms we thought they would have to be. It's a great feeling hey!  So pleased for you.  

Speedy recovery to mr essie and enjoy your last few weeks.  Will keep checking for updates.  !! 😀😀 xxx


----------



## iklefeet

Just a beautiful post to read Essie, after such a long journey with all the ups and downs to be faced with the simple decisions in life like what colour to paint the nursery and what colour babygrows to buy must be so moving for you both,  this dream is finally a reality. 

You battled through, you remained true to the dream you both held dear and now your little family is coming together.  It's so heartening, you're both such an inspiration for everyone that askes themselves on this journey "can I do this".

I wish you all an eternity of love of good health a beautiful delivery and a baby that sleeps well, giggles often and brightens everyday with smiles. 

Ikle xxx


----------



## fififi

Essie - not sure why but seem to get watery eyes every time I read your updates! I'm going to need to stack up on tissues for July!!!!
Delighted baby news still fabulous. Hope Mr Essie recovers quickly & you can both enjoy your last few weeks of excitement before you both are unable to do much more than grin inanely at Baby Essie and marvel at every noise, smoothness of skin and general amazingness.

Hugs fififi xxxx


----------



## katkat2014

Hey essie just a quick note that am thinking of you and that I'm really happy about your update! Not long now!


----------



## pookiepoo

I’ve just been on FF after a long time and was so happy to hear about your pregnancy. 
Best of luck for the all days, weeks and years to come x


----------



## nevertoolate

that is such a wonderful update. i am so excited for you and hope you are getting some rest in between all the decorating. sending hugs xxxx


----------



## ELW7

Lovely Essie, what a wonderful update! Like all the others, each of your posts bring tears to my eyes too. I'm so thrilled that things are going so well for you both and that after all the hurdles you have been faced with, you are now finally able to enjoy all the excitement that's to come with the planning and preparing for your new arrival! It's so exciting. We have all been waiting for this moment with you and I can't actually believe it's now less than 6 weeks to go! Eek! The countdown is now really on and I hope you enjoy every single moment that's to come. Look after yourself my lovely and like all the other lovely ladies I'll await eagerly to hear your wonderful announcement.  Bugs hugs   Emma xxx get well wishes to Mr Essie too xx


----------



## Offthewall

Lovely to read your update, Essie. Get well soon, Mr Essie. 

Not long to go now! Lots of love, FT XX


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Has anyone heard from Essie recently?  Just hoping all is well with her and her little bean!


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Sassy lassy I was wondering the same thing, I’m thinking it must nearly be time x


----------



## ELW7

Me too!? I'm thinking the big day is booked in for next week some time? Eek! Essie, I hope all is well with you and bump and your final preparations are just about complete! Can you believe this is happening!!?? Will be thinking of you and we can't wait to hear your news! And the news we have all longed for for soooooo long for you    Sending all the love and luck in the world xxxxx


----------



## Artypants

Wishing you the very best of luck Essie xxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Excited to for the long awaited news for you Essie and Mr Essie! Hope your well and bump is good xx sending love xx can’t wait for your up date ❤


----------



## Clara Rose

Wishing you the best of luck Essie...can't wait to hear your happy news!


----------



## NowOrNever

I've just logged on to see if there was any news. She must be getting very close? Anyone know Essie's due date?


----------



## Northern

Another one checking in for any news! ..... hope you're doing well Essie and everything goes beautifully for you xxx


----------



## ELW7

I know i feel so nervous/excited for them. I'm thinking she said she was booked in for a c section this week but I might be wrong? We'll all be pacing the floor! Thinking of you Essie and sending more love and luck xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

I know girls, I’m checking to see if there’s any news a good few times each day.
So Mr and Mrs Essie I’m wishing you lots and lots of luck for the birth and lots of love to you all. Can’t wait for the big update xxx


----------



## Amy76

Just checking for updates & hoping everything goes well xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies 

I’m so sorry I’ve not been in touch for a while!!.. things have been chaotic at home with one thing and another and I’ve been really struggling with exhaustion. It sounds a feeble excuse when written down but my iron levels have been really low and haven’t been able to regulate it. I had to finish work earlier than expected due to this and really bad carpal tunnel. I finished on Friday 13th and since then not slept through the night and napping through the day, sometimes all afternoon.. I’ve had my iron increased yet again and today feel able to get together a post. I’ve felt awful that I’ve been unable to until now.. Hopefully I can begin to enjoy my maternity leave! 

Thank you for all the wonderful messages! It’s heartwarming to see all your familiar names  

I can’t actually believe I’m 37 weeks today!! Not only that, but I’ve only 2 weeks to go until my c-section, which has now been moved to the 10th August due to the hospital forgetting to book me in on the 9th    sounds silly but even now with Bellybobs wriggling around in my ever increasing tummy I still can’t believe we’ll have a baby at home in 2 weeks time   (Been dying to use that emoji).. we’re so excited and bemused by our disbelief that this is actually happening!!! (Feeling a little bit terrified too tbh!)

Baby is doing really well. We had a scan last week and a photo. The photo is so very clear of baby’s face looking right at us.. we think it looks like a girl but we’ll know for sure very soon! Spookily there’s a shadow part way across the forehead and mouth, I swear it’s in the shape of a guardian angel in prayer! In fact, I saw it straight away but never said anything to anyone in case people thought I was bonkers, but my SIL spotted it straight away and a few others have seen it too..whether it’s there or not, it’s very comforting to think our baby is being watched over 

The nursery is all ready and hospital bag (more like suitcase!) is packed, but I feel there’s a million things we still need to do. Poor Mr Essie despairs seeing my lists.. I have lists for lists! The moment I cross something off the list, I immediately think of something else to replace it! I don’t think I’ll ever feel fully prepared.

The worry of finances has been keeping us both awake too. How do people manage?! As you know Mr Essie had a double hernia op recently but because of the hospital moving his operation date 3 times he lost 8 weeks in takings. He’s self employed renting premises and we’re constantly playing catch up with rent and keeping ahead of the overdraft.. we’ve exhausted all resources now so it’s a real worry since I won’t be getting my full salary which covers household bills and mortgage. Sorry for the whine, now is the time we should be able to focus solely on the arrival of bellybobs, but the worry is there..   I’m sure there’s plenty of parents-to-be in similar situations, we’ll get through, just makes it difficult when Mr Essie is self employed, no one wants to help, or at least there are no entitlements..

Anyway, hope everyone is well and coping with the heat.. it’s been unbearable! When lying in bed trying to get some sleep I’ve had a cold water bottle with me, sat up eating ice cream and strawberries at 3am, it doesn’t really help with the heat but the ice cream is an advantage! Lol 

Big thank you also to Louise, Twinkle Toes,  Dumbwing and Lirac for your private messages, apologies for not getting back with a pm  

I’ll be back with another update after our scan next week.

Take care everyone, I’m thinking of you all, and big thanks again to everyone for all your support, not just now, but since...well, forever..  

Lots of love
Essie xxx


----------



## Artypants

Lovely update, so glad bellybob is doing well. such exciting times for you both, we also had worrying times with finances once baby arrived and things were pretty tight for  very long time but things do improve but you can't help but worry about every last penny. 

Enjoy these last few weeks where you can still nap and mooch about, and good luck with the c section and I look forward to hearing whether you are team pink or blue xx


----------



## Cheesy

Yay Essie, thanks for putting us out of our misery with an update. 

Sorry you’ve been feeling so low with those horrible symptoms. Hope you continue to feel better. What with that, the incredible heat I’ve been reading about and trying to make sense of finances, no wonder you haven’t had time to write.  living month to month and worrying about money is no joke.  I don’t have many tips on the finances. My dh and I have never been self employed, it does sound more difficult. Are you feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all? They’ll be clever hacks no doubt; I got good at saving coupons and finding where the best deals are. Between the various supermarkets someone is usually doing a baby event or 2 for 1 nappies or something and lots of clubs and events are free. I was never too proud to accept hand me downs from family and friends and especially with how fast baby’s grow, lots of stuff was as good as new. I believe NCT sales are great, too.  A happy, safe, loving home is the important thing and you’ve got that.  I hope things fall into place for you. 

So beautiful about your scan picture and what a reassuring idea the guardian angel is. 

Good luck with the next scan and your 2 week countdown. Its so exciting. I remember the slightly bewildered, scared, incredulous feelings so well. But it sounds like you’ve got everything under control. Nothing to do now but enjoy that ice cream and admire your nursery. Have you done any batch cooking (if you’re feeling well enough). My mum nagged me to fill the freezer and it did help. Also kept me busy and suited that nesting feeling.


----------



## Tincancat

All the best for 10th August.
Do look into Tax Credits once baby is here.  I filled in online screening tool and it said no entitlement.  However someone said to me you are just apply and indeed I was.  There is a difference between different sorts of Tax Credits and I was entitled to Child Tax Credits.  My advice would be be fill the forms and see what happens.  Also don't forget Child Benefit.  
TCCx


----------



## Cheesy

Good shout Tincancat


----------



## dumbwing07

Essie - never been happier to hear your wonderful post. Cannot wait to hear of the safe arrival of baby essie. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. <3


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Woohoo Essie only 2 weeks to go 😍 what a lovely update, I’m loving the guardian angel image on the scan. I totally believe in that, on one of my rounds of Ivf at my post transfer acupuncture session I found a pure white feather in the reception area and I immediately thought this is a good sign and put it in my bag. That round gave me a bfp and although it wasn’t meant to be i do think it was a guardian angel telling me it will be ok and it really gave me hope.

Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling  (I thought the heat would be getting to you as it’s just so darn hot at the mo) carpal tunnel is awful but it literally disappears as soon as baby is born and hopefully your iron levels will go back to normal quickly then too and you’ll feel much better.

Finances are no laughing matter when you feel stressed about them but it sounds like you and Mr Essie are being really responsible by talking about them before baby comes along, and like tincancat says there may be help out there even if you think you’re not entitled. I also second cheesy re second hand clothes etc as they literally grow so fast. Some of the things I was given were only worn once or twice or not even at all as there were so many gifts and my mum has literally been on a shopping spree since the twins were born!! Also we have a local group on ******** that is for buying/selling and swapping and there’s always loads of baby items and toys on it at a fraction of the cost so that might be something to check out.

Anyway my lovely I’m so happy to hear that you are nearly there, these next 2 weeks will fly in so enjoy resting and napping as things are gonna get a wee bit busy soon 💕 can’t wait for the next update

Lots of love xxx


----------



## Clarabelle71

Essie i can relate with a lot of what you said. Iam 36+3 and after so long with struggles its surreal to imagine a baby could be here in a few weeks. We also kept baby's gender a surprise. We get a non stress test and scan next week but so far plan is to induce me at 39 weeks. Though over 50% chance of c section. Iam a bit scared of induction being long and painful. 
We also worry financially, we need to move out my parents home a few months after we have the baby as they are elderly and a baby would be too much for them full time. Dh looking at apartments/flats but think we will just get a one bedroom for now as they are so expensive in my area. Always dreamed of buying a houses and having a nursery for the baby but getting a healthy baby by far is more important than a nice house. Wishing you luck for your c section. X


----------



## Dory10

Bless you being pregnant in this heat isn't nice, I was very uncomfortable towards the end there was no let up in the heat! 

I think you spend so much of a pregnancy worrying about the baby that you don't think about other bits until right near the end and then boom, they hit hard.  Honestly though, our house isn't huge, it's upside down in a mess, needs a good fettle, there's muslins, nappies, vests, toddler toys stuff generally everywhere but those newborn cuddles make it all more than worth it.

Financially you'll adapt, they need so little to begin with just lots of love which you'll give in abundance.

I'll be thinking about you xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Hi Essie, great to hear your update! Sorry you have been struggling with the heat and low iron levels...I had low iron as well when I was pregnant and I remember how tired it made me feel...I had to have an IV infusion of iron at one point, it was so bad. I hope you feel better soon. As for the finances...I agree with Tincancat that you should look into any benefits that you may be able to claim. I get Child Tax Credits and Child Benefit, which really helps. I had second hand clothes as well, I shop in the cheaper supermarkets and my car is seven years old. There's not much money to go round but I manage, because I have to. You will too!

On 10th August you'll be a Mum! I know, it's hard to believe, I still find it hard to believe myself and my two have just turned three. 

Love Clara xx


----------



## ELW7

Lovely to hear your update Essie. Sorry for getting ahead of myself with dates ladies! I'm too eager for this little one to be here  .  Hope now you're on maternity you start to feel a little better Essie although I can imagine this heat is not helping! Midnight feasts on ice cream a great idea though!

Will be thinking of you on the 10th (we move house that day so will be a bag of nerves even more so now  ) I understand your finance worries. I'm a teacher but gave up my job when we had the twins with the thought of going back once they're at school, so we've had worries over the years but we manage and hopefully things will be ok for you guys too. 

I love the idea of your bellybob having a guardian angel. I think that is so lovely to know that after all you have been through, you have someone watching over her/him. Such a comfort and I definitely believe in things like that. 

Well, enjoy your last two weeks and look after yourself and I can't wait to hear your news in a couple of weeks time. All my love Em xxx


----------



## NowOrNever

Yay... can we have a countdown ticker...?  Ha.
Good to hear everything is progressing and I think we're all a bit over-heated, so I can't imagine what being preggers is like in this. I watched a lady on the BOILING hot train home last night who was pregnant and really felt for her. 

As a single, self employed mum I can relate to the financial stresses... but as someone else has already said, they need very little to begin with. Its only once the plastic toy phase kicks in do you need a small investment bank...!!!!

xxx


----------



## Northern

Thanks so much for your lovely update Essie, I think a few of us were starting to worry!  Wow not long to go now although in this heat I'm not surprised you're getting uncomfortable!  It will soon roll round and like everyone else I can't wait to hear of little one's safe arrival  
And that's so lovely, and so special, the guardian angel image is a wonderful thing and something you can always treasure. 
Lots of love to you, special lady xxx


----------



## Faithope

Having read your struggles and many updates, it seems surreal that this is finally happening for you so goodness knows how it feels for you! 
It's so exciting!! Look forward to your BA. Good luck with the birth and lots of love x


----------



## Louisej29

Essie.  Great to read your update and very excited for you with only days to go!  What a lovely thing to see at your scan- how special. 

We also had/ have a lot of money worries after we had the twins too.  7 rounds of Ivf have left us with credit card bills I don't think we will ever see the back of- and I gave up work when they were born too.  
Still- you do adapt - juggle the cards about- and little  things like buying clothes in primark instead of next 😀😀 and doing the odd shop in lidl instead of waitrose- all helps.  
And all is so worth it to have your precious miracle X 
I'm so pleased you will soon meet your baby and will be checking in to hear the good news.  

Take care and lots of love . Louise xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies,

Thank you for all your replies, again sorry to have worried you in lack of posts.. I do appreciate you all sticking around to offer support and advice  

Speaking of which....I’m 38 weeks today and baby was a bit of a wriggler at the scan.  It was difficult for the sonographer to measure him/her but on seeing the consultant afterwards the measurements on the graph had been put at 90th percentile. Considering they were expecting a small baby due to age etc this came as quite a shock. I,m not overweight and I’ve not put a lot of weight on in pregnancy (it’s all baby at the front), so they’ve taken bloods to check for diabetes. 

Obviously I was told not to worry and specifically told not to be going home googling.. which of course I have  . I wish I hadn’t, it talks of birth defects and suchlike and difficult births. I’m having a section as you know next Friday but what if I go into labour early and they decide to try for natural birth. I’m really worried about this and more so about mention of birth defects! 

May be the sonographer’s measurements are inaccurate due to difficult scan?? 

Apart from this they said all looks well but I can’t stop worrying now.. I’m nervous and anxious about the birth as it is..

Anyone had any experience of this?  They call it LGA I believe, larger than gestational age.

Essie xxx


----------



## Stacey10

Essie, I haven’t been on this thread for ages but I’ve just seen the thread pop up and remembered!  I wouldn’t be too concerned (hard I know not to) the ultrasounds are notoriously bad at being accurate at this stage, especially if bub is wriggling around, many many ladies have had u/s and been told they have a big baby and are induced and the baby has come out a lot smaller than expected. Also genetics maybe in play here, maybe a mother or father of the donor was quite tall, or maybe you just grow big healthy babies. If there were any major birth defects, the majority of those would be picked up at the morphology scan. This is the last thing you need to be worried about at this time of your pregnancy, I’d be putting it down to the fact that you’ve given bub such a wonderful start and bub has flourished so your going to be the mum of one healthy bub ! 😍


----------



## Amy76

Essie congratulations on reaching 38 weeks   I am so sorry they have scared you talking about percentiles   Like Stacey says I think they struggle to get accurate measurements on scans this late in a pregnancy, I was told I was going to have a big baby but she was only 7lbs when she arrived & we had to get some smaller clothes for her as everything was huge!   my sister wasn’t expected to have big babies but had 3 babies which were all between 9-10lbs & natural births with no drugs   (2 home births!) & they were all fine   please don’t be scared   you have done an amazing job & you only have a few more sleeps before you get to hold your beautiful baby, I will be getting my lucky orange pants out & look forwards to your good news     xxx


----------



## Amy76

I forgot to say I have asked dr google for advice a few times in the past & he always tends to be quite negative, I’m not even sure he is qualified so please don’t believe what he say   xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Essie honey I completely echo what both Stacey and Amy have said. Also if you go into labour before your planned section you can still have one, they’ll just whip you into theatre. This happened to a friend of mine so please don’t worry about this. After everything you’ve been through to get to this stage it’s no wonder you’re feeling anxious but you’re nearly there now. Try to enjoy this last week with your bump and stay away from Dr Google as he’s evil. Kidding aside, take it easy lovely, not long now xxx


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - so happy to hear the upate. Please try not to worry! For both my pregnancies, they said I was measuring ahead of weeks towards the end and I didn't have gestational diabetes. I think there is a bit of a misconception that all older mums have small babies, but we can grown them bigger! My son was born at 8 lb 8oz so not a small baby, but not on the centile they predicted with the scan! He was born by C-section at 38+6. My daughter was also predicted to be ahead on centiles, and she was big at birth - 8 lb 15oz, born by c section at 39+3 (so I did worry about going into labour before hand as it seemed quite far on to be booked in). The others are right, you can still have a C-section if you go into labour, it will done at a quicker pace! My son is now tall for his age, but not chunky - the egg donor was taller than me. My daughter despite her birth weight has gone down her centiles and is so dainty (very economical on clothes!)
Please please try to relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and look forward to meeting little Mr or Miss Essie!


----------



## Clara Rose

Hi Essie, nice to hear your update. Try not to worry about the scan...I know ladies who have had big babies and they did not have diabetes. And if there was anything wrong it would have been picked up before now. I know how stressful the last weeks of pregnancy are, but you don't have long now - this time next week you will be getting ready to meet your little one. xx


----------



## MadameG

Essie please try not to worry too much. As the others have said, anything major would likely have been picked up by now and the finishing line is in sight. My baby has been measuring ahead since around 9ish weeks and at 28 weeks was measuring two weeks ahead. I’m being checked for GD next week just in case, although my consultant doesn’t think I have it as the baby is big all round, rather than just a big tummy. The genetics play a big part in it as we are all so unique. I’m the same as you as so far I have put on very little weight but have a big bump!  Even if you do get the GD diagnosis, there’s lots of support out there and baby will soon be out into the wide world anyway  xxxxxxx


----------



## Cheesy

Essie, congrats on the 38 weeks. A week to go today, right? 

It would be a shame for the last week to be filled with worry. But in the circs, I can see why you hit google. I expect I would too. 

But please remember: If the sonographer was worried they’d have kept you in. I’d read this as being a sensible, precautionary follow up (take bloods just in case). They’re following a protocol. It doesn’t mean GD is a given. If it was detected, I should think the birth defects are a remote, outside possibility and remember NOTHING negative has been seen so far in any of your scans. 

I think, like others have said, that genetics is at play here. Some babies have to be at the long/ heavy end of the scale. It just means a robust weight and/ or a long bubba. Maybe you’ll have a tall child. Maybe bubs has had a crazy growth spurt or even, as you say, the measurements were off. That’s quite possible. 

My 2nd was the opposite problem. From 28 weeks he started to measure small for dates and I was called back for regular monitoring in case of IUGR. But he kept growing, he just tracked the lowest percentile.  And now, 22mobths later, he remains a slim boy with a teeny waist but he’s thriving and has me run ragged. His measurements reflected his genetics and his build not an actual medical problem. I don’t know the stats but the odds are bound to be similar for you. IF the measurements are right, you most likely  have a long or big bubba who is heathy and perfect in every way. 

I hope you’ve been reassured by others that it’s ok if your waters break or labour starts spontaneously. They’ll whip you in. 

Try any force yourself to dwell on the positives. The likelihood is everything is perfect. 

Thinking of you. Hope this last week whizzes past. xxx


----------



## dumbwing07

Essie - awesome news! Can't wait to hear about the birth of your little one!
Don't worry about the size thing, they always get it wrong, me and DH are both over 6ft and my DS was born at 39wks 7lb10, the whole time I was pregnant I had growth scans with many ooh he's gonna be big, ooh yes really big baby. Also experienced friends who have gone through this. No worries, plus if baby is big then baby is big. All will be fine! You can do this! You've done all the hard part 😘😘😘


----------



## EssieJean

Good morning ladies  

Thank you to you all! Stacey, Amy, Twinkletoes, Debs, Clara, MadameG, Cheesy and Dumbwing- you’ve all reassured me! My mind has been put at rest    It’s so good to hear other people’s experiences in times of worry.  Google seems to cover all eventualities good and bad, mostly bad, I know this and don’t know why I take any notice  

Well our last weekend as a couple has now been and gone and I don’t mind saying I’m absolutely papping myself! Only 4 days and then I’ll be in having a c-section. This will sound really cuckoo but I STILL can’t believe or imagine a baby in our lives this time next week   I think I’ve been so caught up on the practicalities, researching, buying, writing lists, organising that I haven’t stopped to think at the end of it there’ll be a real live baby! Lol 

I feel so nervous and anxious not only for the section but looking after a baby, breastfeeding, etc in the early days and bringing up a child in our 50’s.. I’m excited of course, it’s all we’ve ever wanted, but I’m feeling the former more and more now.. I guess I’ve always liked to be in control but this is totally out of my comfort zone; it’s only ever been me and Mr Essie for so long I can’t even preempt what life will be like.. but I know there’ll be a lot more joy and laughter in the house, and that’s been a long time coming.

I hope every single one of you lovely ladies are well and had a good weekend.

Thank you so much for everything!

Essie xxx


----------



## NowOrNever

It's really happening! I'm sooooo excited *grabs some popcorn and settles down for the final episode. 

I was the same as you - I couldn't believe it was happening - and then the freight train hit   I wont lie, it's a shock when your age has a 4 in front of it. I ask myself REGULARLY - "What the    did you do with all your spare time before she came along?" I find it amazing... 

You'll love it - all of it, good and bad. And my C Section was great - i was up washing and drying my hair the next morning. I can't speak for everyone, but for me it was a positive experience.

I literally can't wait to hear your news, the sex, the name, the weight, the experience... everything... all of it   

GOOD LUCK XXX


----------



## StrawberrySundae

Good luck Essie, it is so encouraging for everybody still on the journey!   x


----------



## Tincancat

Essie you will never be in control of your life again and I mean that in a good way.  This LO will have you so wrapped up everything you do will be with them in mind first and foremost.  So excited for you. This is really happening  
TCCx


----------



## Northern

> I'm sooooo excited *grabs some popcorn and settles down for the final episode.


   
I think a few of us could echo this! 
Lots of love to you Essie, you're on the home straight now and this is really happening! Can't wait to hear your update and praying for you that little one arrives safely and happily - can't wait to find out if it's a little sir or madam! Good luck and hope this last few days fly by for you. Put your feet up and look after yourself. 
Xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

I can’t believe it’s only 4 more sleeps until the big day so god knows how you’re feeling. Excited doesn’t even come close!!

I don’t think you can prepare yourself for the changes ahead, the little munchkins take over your entire life and house. There is no room untouched here by some toy or baby item or sticky fingers on the windows but I wouldn’t have it any other way, it really makes the house feel like a proper family home and I know you will relish this too. 

I also think having a planned csection will be a really positive experience as you’re not going to go through days of labour and no sleep only to have one in the end and will therefore be well rested when you get to meet little miss or mr. Enjoy these last few days and good luck for Friday. We are all waiting for the big announcement and I for one can’t wait, like nowornever says ‘popcorn at the ready’ for the big day, it’ll be like the royal wedding all over again - no it’s even better!!!

Lots of love xxx


----------



## ELW7

Eek Essie, you are nearly there now!! I can't believe there's only 4 more sleeps either!! Try and make the most of them   only kidding! You probably won't mind being awake each night just staring at your precious miracle! This is the moment you have been waiting for (and us all) and im so excited that it is finally about to happen. You're bound to feel such a huge mixture of emotions but once you have your little bundle safely in your arms nothing else will matter. Wishing you all the love and luck in the world for the wonderful safe arrival and I can't wait to hear your special news. Lots of love Emma xxx


----------



## Stacey10

Ha ha ha yep your life will be turned upside down, you’ll never know tiredness and your nipples will feel like they have needles going through them when you first start to breast feed, but when you look at your wee miracle you will be amazed at the fact that bub has come from you, you grew the little wriggler ! Yes your life will be going into the unknown, but you and mr Essie and baby will all be going there together, it’s an amazing journey, try not to stress too much over the little things like the mountain of washing piling up, or the dishes that haven’t been done since the morning, or the fact that you haven’t managed to get out of your pj and have a shower for the day, those things don’t matter, what matters is that bundle you have, take time to get to know them, all babies are different and don’t compare yours to anyone else’s. If you want to breastfeed preserve, it’s damn hard to start with but very rewarding if you can stick with it ! Utilise the pain killers when in hospital and the staff, that’s what they’re there for, engage in a lactation consultant, if you have one within the hospital, if you don’t, it maybe a good idea to book one in so they can visit you for help with feeding.check your mood in the following wks after birth, get mr Essie’s onto that as well as pnd can sneak up in you without realising it, and if it does get down to the dr for some help, you don’t want that to take away any precious moments you have to enjoy with bub, and just enjoy your bub, being a mum and your new family. Don’t forget any questions or problems, everyone will be here to offer support ❤


----------



## Clara Rose

Oh Essie, I'm so excited for you! I can't wait to hear that you have had your little one. 

I was exactly the same as you in that I couldn't really believe that I was going to end up with two babies. I was the kind of person who liked to be in control as well and having the babies was quite a shock! You do get over the initial shock though and I am sure that with the support of Mr Essie you will be fine. As others have said, you will never be in control of your life again...but that is what is great about motherhood. I remember my life before having the girls and every day was the same...I went to work, came home, had dinner, went to bed...same old, same old every single day. Now I have the girls, life in unpredictable...and I couldn't be happier! Bringing up children is tiring, especially when you are that bit older. I am 53 but I have found that since having the girls my fitness level has actually improved. I think the girls have kept me young!

I also had a C-Section and I thought it was great. I was up and about the ward after a few hours and the following morning I was able to go down to the cafe for something to eat. It's a weird feeling not being able to feel your legs but it soon wears off. 

Good luck on Friday!

Love Clara xx


----------



## Claireu

Hi Essie
I'm very much a newbie to your story, and I cannot tell you how helpful reading this thread has been to me.
I've been going through this journey now for a few years, and the IVF for about the past 6. And your very first post was exactly how I was feeling - I'm 50 with a MMC earlier this year, furthest I've been so far.

I just thought I'd thank you for opening up and being honest about how you were feeling, it's been very comforting to know I wasn't the only one.
I start my pessaries and inhixa injections tomorrow, for transfer on Monday - and your journey has put things into perspective for me and I'm now feeling more positive than I have done in a while.

I can't wait to see how you get on, and what motherhood brings for you.

Good luck for Friday and thank you once again for your story

Claire x


----------



## Cheesy

Lovely Essie

I’m glad you’re at ease now with  the size thing and the risk of early spontaneous labour with planned CS. 

I hope you’re also being reassured about your “is this really happening/ how will we manage” last minute nerves. Honestly as all your supporters here are saying, it just seems to be a thing that happens. No idea if it’s hormones etc making sure we’re as emotionally and physically prepared as it’s possible to be. It’s HUGE what’s about to happen and it doesn’t matter how longed for a baby is, forms of self doubt and guilt do sneak in at various times. It’s going to happen again when bubba is here and you’re tired, or stressed, or flummoxed about something. Did you see Serena Williams’s recent Instagram post. Self doubt gets everyone. I think you’re doing the right thing talking about it. 

You’ll be great. Some of it will be muddling through and making it up as you go along. Some of it will click and fall into place. Some of it will be easy and some things will throw you. I don’t have any sage advice as every baby, family and situation is different. Except to accept every bit of help and support going. Seek out (dispatch Mr Essie) in hospital to find breastfeeding help. In my hospital it was the unfortunately named BFN (Breast feeding network) practitioner and she spent ages with me. Else try and nab a MW to help. And ask againand again. I thought I got it but then tiredness, hormones and whatever overwhelmed me and I needed to be shown again. And if it doesn’t work, don’t beat yourself up about it

On age, there are many sleep deprived weeks where I felt every day of my age and really wrung out. Then weeks where I felt like a big kid. It ebbs and flows, it seems to me. It is chaos but it’s the ultimate adventure and, if we know anything at all about you Essie, you’re persistent, brave, strong and that has to add up to adventurous. I hope you enjoy the ride. Keep us updated and speak up about the highs and lows. 

Have you got a special last meal planned or anything?

Loads of love


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

I wish there was a ‘like’ button for your post cheesy but here’s ❤ instead. You’ve summed up motherhood beautifully xx


----------



## Mels11

Essie, I think we’ll all be crying with joy on Friday 🙂
I had a C section aged 50yrs old & everything went very smoothly, I was discharged 24 hrs later & had a very straightforward recovery. My one piece of advice would be to use the hospital bed to lie yourself completely flat 3 or 4 hours after your surgery. You’re still full of pain killers so this is an easy way to stretch your body out ready for the first time you stand up. After that I just got outside and did some gentle walking with the pram as soon as I could & slowly built it up. Oh the simple joy of pushing a pram 😍

Please don’t worry about being older parents. All parents no matter what age are tired most of the time! I’ve not found I’m any different from the other Mums. Just get out & get to the groups. Baby massage is a nice way of meeting other Mums if you don’t fancy the playgroups. I’ve also met friends at the local children’s centre. Age is only a problem if you let it become one. I was invited to my 27yr old Mum friend’s wedding recently. She doesn’t care how old I am. 

You’re right, it will take you and Mr Essie some time to get your head round everything. We’re 2.5 years in & my hubby & I often say we still feel like we’re living in dreamland. We still cannot believe how lucky we’ve been to become parents. I think we’re both still in shock! 

I’ll be thinking of you on Friday. Please update us as soon as you can 😘


----------



## Louisej29

Your last evening as a family of 2!!!

Wishing you all the luck in the world tomorrow and a smooth and safe delivery of baby essie.  That moment he/she is placed into your arms---  Well, it all becomes so worthwhile and your dreams have come true.  I can't tell you how happy I am for you and can't wait to hear your update. 

Take care lovely essie.  Only hours to go before you meet your baby! Xxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

My dearest Essie and Mr Essie your time has come! Wow 😲 after all these years of heartache. Sitting here reflecting on all the chats shared! I can’t actually believe this time tomorrow your be parents. I have so much love 💗 for you both. I’m super excited and can’t wait for you news tomorrow. Excited doesn’t do it justice! Love to you both ❤❤ Your amazing and give all us ladies so much strength and hope xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Oh Essie it’s like a very special Christmas Eve for you two lovelies tonight. You must be so excited for the big day tomorrow as I know I am. It’s been one heck of a journey to get to this point which makes it all the more deserving and you are one of the strongest, bravest girls I know - so you my lovely are going to make one fabulous mummy. I’m going to be checking ff like a maniac tomorrow to hear your wonderful news. Good luck for the birth and enjoy those very very special first cuddles with your little boy or girl, you’ve totally earned them 💕💕💕 lots and lots of love xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Dear Essie I'm wishing you all the best for the big day tomorrow...the arrival of Baby Essie!    I'll be checking in regularly to see if there is any news. Enjoy the experience, there is really nothing in the world like it!  I know you and Mr Essie will make wonderful parents. 


Love Clara xx


----------



## Karhog

Yay, last night as a twosome! All the best for tomorrow! X


----------



## Amy76

Only one more sleep until you get to meet your beautiful baby!  

It is totally understandable to be nervous but from what I know of you through your posts you & mr Essie will make amazing parents & baby Essie is lucky to have you  

Wishing you both all the very best for tomorrow   

Xxx


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Blimey Essie, I'm just catching up, and if I'm reading things correctly, you're in for a planned C-Section tomorrow.  Well, I'm wishing you very best of luck my lovely.  I had to have my C-section brought forward to 35 1/5 weeks, due to a few unforeseen glitches, and was bricking it, Googling like mad (bad idea) and generally fretting about everything (not least the idea of a spinal injection), but it was all fine.  Wonderful.  Absolutely the best.  thing.  ever.  Such a surreal experience, but so absolutely emotional after so very long and after so many disappointments, to have the gift you thought you might never receive.  I wish you the greatest of joys... probably by the time you read this, you will already be holding your little bundle 
I was a few days short of 49 when my LO was delivered, and there are times when I find this hard... But, it was never planned this way, and tbh, when I look round at some of the much younger mothers, I can see that whilst youth isn't on our side, my child will benefit in other ways and in particular, in being totally and utterly loved, unconditionally.  
You and Mr Essie are about to embark on the most wonderful journey.  Enjoy every moment - it goes so quickly!  My LO turned two this week and I was looking at her this evening as she slept, thinking "what happened to my baby?"... those first months are so chaotic, so unbelievable and pass so swiftly... Really looking forward to your next update.
xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Good morning lovely ladies

I want to reply to the so many wonderful messages, but right now I just have to get off my chest that I’m absolutely cr*pping myself   I so want to be thinking of meeting our baby but all I can think is how worried, nervous and anxious i am abut the surgery....I physically feel sick. I am a born worrier which isn’t helping matters.. My brain is having trouble processing what’s about to happen!

I will go back and read your wonderful messages again at some point after updating you all as to Bellybobs entry into the world..at the pre op yesterday the6 said we should have our baby by lunchtime today!

Well this is it ladies..

Will be in touch

Love
Essie xxx


----------



## Tincancat

It's only natural to be nervous Essie.  At the end of today you and Mr Essie will be on to a new chapter of your lives.  An exciting chapter full of amazing joyful times.  Good luck. 
TCCx


----------



## Stacey10

Good luck ! Can’t wait to read your update 😍


----------



## apples2014

Dear Essie 

Xxxxx
Sending you so much love. 
Lunch time today! Amazing! 

You’ve been so brave and amazing and supportive to others too. Thinking of you heaps and sending you lots of love and massive bear hugs too. 

Apples xxxx


----------



## Maggiephatcat

Dear Essie,


I’ve not posted on this lovely thread before, but being the moderator for the Over 40’s board I have been reading every post and following your amazing journey.   


So much love and support on this thread for you and it’s absolutely deserved. Wishing you all the very best for today and like everyone else, I can’t wait to hear your news.


Love and hugs, 
Maggie xxx


----------



## ELW7

Deep breathes lovely Essie! You have come through so much with your strength and determination that I bet this will actually be a walk in the park for you  . You can do it! We're all behind you and holding your hand from afar! Wishing you lots of love and luck and try if you can to enjoy every magical moment of bringing your precious little miracle into the world. Can't wait to hear your news. All my love and a great big hug Em xxx


----------



## Faithope

Good luck today Essie   the time has finally arrived


----------



## Northern

Such a special day Essie and I can’t wait to hear your news! Hope everything goes (is going) well and you can savour those first incredibly special moments meeting your long-awaited little one xxx


----------



## Artypants

So exciting, I remember absolutely pooing a brick as well, totally normal. Can't wait to hear your news xxx


----------



## Dallydoll

Oh my goodness. I have just stumbled over this post and I am over the moon for you. You will probably be a mummy by now. How wonderful. I don’t think anyone’s journey has touched me as much as yours on this site and I have been hoping for a happy ending for you the whole time. I was so worried about my planned c section but it was wonderful and beautiful. Hope it all goes well and looking forward to reading your update. Lots of love xxx


----------



## ecarg

Dear Essie,

Even though I’ve never posted on your thread prior to now, I have followed your very inspirational journey to motherhood from the start with prayers that this day will come when your joy will be full and complete, when God will wipe away your tears of sorrow and fill your mouth with laughter while you shed that warm tears of joy. 

I trust and pray that everything will go well and this new chapter of your life shall usher in immeasurable Love, Joy and Strength for your family.

All the best to you and Mr Essie.

Ecarg xx


----------



## Louisej29

Been thinking of you all morning.  Hopefully right now you are cuddling that long awaited for little miracle.  Feel all emotional for you X X X


----------



## Cheesy

Hi Essie

Another cheerleader checking in. Hoping that everything went smoothly and you’ve spent a glorious day with your most precious bundle. I imagine you’re swept off your feet with newborn glory and well wishers. Hope you’re comfortable and that you’re both doing well. Can’t wait for your update whenever you get a chance. Hope Mr Essie is coping well too. It must be the most overwhelming day x


----------



## ELW7

Same here Essie, hoping and praying that all is well and that you are both totally smitten with your new precious bundle and are too busy enjoying the most amazing cuddles. Thinking of you and sending love xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Am frantically checking up you on you lovely lady, praying everything is Aok and you are enjoying those first snuggles. Big big love to you all xxxx


----------



## teacups

Another newbie posting here but I remember some of your journey and hope you are now cuddling you hard earned baby. Hope all went well today xx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Me to also stalking the thread for your update! Hope all went well and your enjoying ur bubba snuggles lots and lots of love to you both ❤ Xxx


----------



## Northern

Another one who’s been refreshing the screen all day checking for updates! Hope all is well Essie and sending you lots of love xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Hoping everything went well Essie. Can't wait for your update! xx


----------



## nevertoolate

so excited waiting for the big news xxx


----------



## RED13

Hi everyone.
Has any one heard from Mrs. or Mr. Essie yet?


----------



## Amy76

Hopefully they are busy enjoying new baby cuddles   xxx


----------



## RED13

Yes, I hope baby is getting lots of cuddles!


----------



## nevertoolate

absolutely, lots of cuddles but the suspense is killing me....lol...


----------



## RED13

I hear you dreaming!


----------



## Cheesy

Yes I squealed when I saw the page had been updated... But I can well imagine all the  baby snuggles, maybe even poor phone coverage.


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

I hear you girls, every time I see the thread is updated I’m like yipeeeeee xx


----------



## ELW7

Same here! Praying everything is ok and that they're just far too busy with snuggles and cuddles xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Phew!! Only just been able to get on hospital Wi-Fi but here we have it FINALLY.....

Our long awaited and much loved daughter Essie Jean Neal entered the world in 10th August at 10.41am weighing an unexpected 7lb 14oz! I can't believe something so beautiful came out of me   Both mummy and daddy absolutely besotted.. Essie is named after hubby's mum who sadly passed away in the New Year and Jean after my mum. 

Section went well altho i busrt into tears as soon as entering building having worked myself up but everyone has been fantastic.. we had our wedding song playing and one of the anaesthetists took photos of the birth itself!

Feeding has been a learning curve for both of us but getting better. Essie's been full of mucus bless her and has struggled breathing/bringing it up. Bad first night when they took her away twice as she was distressed and changed colour but she getting better by the day. I've low blood pressure and pulse but monitoring me hourly especially through night. 

So sorry it's taken so long to.update.

Hope everyone is well.. cannot believe we have reached the end of our journey in such a positive and happy way. All of you have been there, most from the start, with us and we cannot thank you enough for all your loyal support and encouragement throughout.

Lots of love
Mummy Daddy and Baby Essie Jean
Xxxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Oh Essie what a lovely update! Congratulations on the birth of little Essie Jean!    


I'm glad everything is going well and you are both recovering. Take it easy and give yourself plenty of time to enjoy the experience of having a newborn...it's a lovely time and they grow up all too soon. I'm thinking of your little family and wishing you all the best for the future.  


Lots of love to you all


Clara xxx


----------



## Cloudy

Absolutely brilliant news: congratulations to all of you and what a beautiful name. Take it as steady as you can and have as many pictures and you can handle (it doesn’t matter what you look like, although I’m sure you look beautiful  ). Keep on with the feeding and when you get home just get the new Dynasty on Netflix, and plenty of snacks and cuddle that beautiful baby  

Such a brilliant time xxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

JUST PERFECT!! YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!❤ Just wiped away the tears reading  your update!!! Sending love to your gorgeous family!! Beautiful name 💕 delighted all went well xxxx


----------



## Stacey10

Fantastic ! Such a lovely update and a beautiful baby girl added to your family ! As the others have said, rest, take time to heal and just enjoy your precious wee miracle 😍


----------



## Sassy-lassy

Oh my dear, congratulations, again and again... your update has made me feel really emotional.  Just delighted for you and Mr. Essie.

It's the end of one journey and the beginning of another, but this next one is infinitely more rewarding and magical.  Enjoy the ride .  Looking forward to further updates as you settle into your new Mummy role.

Well done, and Happy Birthday Essie Jean, welcome to the world! xxx


----------



## Artypants

Such a lovely lovely update!!! Congratulations to you all, enjoy the early newborn cuddles, they are so special xx


----------



## Northern

Absolute tears of joy Essie I’m an emotional mess reading your wonderful update! 
Just so delighted for you after such a long journey to get here, and what an amazing perfect name 💕
Congratulations Mr and Mrs Essie and welcome to the world beautiful baby Essie xxx
Look after yourself and can’t wait to hear more updates as you all settle in xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Congratulations lovely lady, tears are literally streaming down my face reading this wonderful update  Essie I remember us chatting about your fertilityfriends name and you telling me if you ever had a little girl then that would be her name too and here she is now 💕💕💕 I’m so happy for you all, this has been a tough journey but here you are now, a mummy and daddy to beautiful baby Essie Jean. Enjoy all those lovely newborn cuddles and make sure you get plenty of rest. Much love to you all xxxx


----------



## Amy76

Congratulations!    Such fantastic news & a beautiful name for a beautiful baby   xxx


----------



## MadameG

Essie such wonderful news!!!!! Massive congratulations to you both ❤ Enjoy hunny, you’ve come such a long way for this moment xxxxxxx


----------



## NowOrNever

The best ending ever - I also remember you telling me about both names. 

You have your happy ever after. Congrats. Xxxx


----------



## Dory10

Huge congratulations   Enjoy those snuggles xxxxx


----------



## Karhog

Amazing news! Huge congratulations on the birth of a beautiful little girl with an equally beautiful name. Enjoy this new chapter xxx


----------



## bundles

Oh Essie honey   And Mr Essie  and baby Essie   I am just so, so happy for you all. I can't believe this day has finally come. I've traveled your journey with you always knowing that you would be an amazing mummy, and hoping that you'd never give up. I remember your UK journey & thinking how it could have been handled better, and having been the moderator for the CZ Republic, I thought that Gennet could help you !! And despite all that got thrown at you, here you are. We've 'known' each other a long time & I can finally say that despite 3 lovely ff's moving on, you are my last one. I can hang my forum coat up happy knowing that you are complete   I'm sorry that I didn't get around to wishing you luck. I thought about it Thursday but got distracted - something you'll soon learn about !! And I hardly get on here any more since standing down but will message you shortly. 
Enjoy every second my darling, you've earnt it !!! And if I have one piece of advice, it's stay in hospital as long as you can !! 

Bundles xxooxx


----------



## Faithope

She's here! So many congratulations to you both
Welcome to the world Essie   time to close one door as a new one has opened and what a beautiful door to open   lots of love x


----------



## Cheesy

Essie whoop whoop! You guys did it!!

I’m weeping tears of joy and am utterly, utterly thrilled for you. Sorry to hear about the difficult nights but you’re both in the best place for support with that. Hope your BP improves soon and I’m glad that Essie Jean is improving. Are you comfy in hospital? Hope so. Wishing you a speedy recovery from your section. 

Congratulations to you all. You’re dreams finally came true - I couldn’t be happier. Thank you for thinking of us in the midst of this most personal of times xxx


----------



## ELW7

Oh Essie, I'm am crying huge tears of joy for you both but so pleased these are happy tears for you finally! This is the most wonderful news ever and I'm so over joyed for you both!  Huge congratulations on the birth of your precious rainbow baby Essie Jean (and what a very special name she has indeed and obviously written in the stars since you chose the name as your ff name right at the beginning of your journey!) Welcome to the world beautiful little Essie!

Your moment has finally arrived and I'm so delighted that you continued to fight so hard despite your incredibly tough and emotional journey. You deserve this happy ending so so much and I know that Essie Jean has the most incredibly special and very brave mummy and daddy and that the best part of your journey is now beginning. 

Enjoy every single second together as a beautiful family! I bet you still can't actually believe it! (Although I always hoped/knew that one day your dream to be a mummy would eventually come true!) Sending all my love and huge hugs to you and Mr Essie with kisses for your precious little miracle xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## nevertoolate

omg... congratulations.... i am crying tears of joy for your both writing this... it is so amazing to have a happy ending to the long journey... enjoy every minute i am sure you will and thank you so much for sharing the highs and lows with us.
everything feels so raw when you put your body and mind through this but i am thrilled you were one of the lucky ones to get your precious girl..xxx


----------



## RED13

Huge congratulations to you both!  


How wonderful that Miss Essie Jean is finally here!  


You and Mr. Essie must be on   


Delighted for you, Mum and Dad!


----------



## Dallydoll

Huge congratulations. Just love that her name was your screen name all along. She was destined to be here. 
Just absolutely thrilled for you both xxx


----------



## katkat2014

Oh wow essie you did it!!! Huge congratulations to the birth of your daughter, I am extremely happy for this great ending! And of course the start of something exciting and new at the same time. Your endurance, stubbornness 😉 and passion have finally paid off, this is just absolutely fantastic. Sending you a big mega hug and lots of love    kat


----------



## deblovescats

Essie - so happy for you all - enjoy life as a family of three!


----------



## Tincancat

Welcome to baby Essie.  A lovely end to your struggles for  family.  
TCCx


----------



## Clarabelle71

Congratulations on your baby girl.  

I get induced myself monday or Tuesday. Wishing you much happiness as a family. X


----------



## Mels11

The most glorious news. So so happy for you. How you managed to keep the faith through all your trials, I have no idea. & now here you are, a Mummy at last. Such a beautiful name for a very precious little girl. 
Many many congratulations xxxx
PS. Don’t forget to video as well as take photos, they’re so precious these first few days xx


----------



## ecarg

Congratulations Essie. Welcome to this world, baby Essie.
What a beautiful ending to a journey of determination and dogged persistence.........for they all live happily ever after!!! 

Bless you all.

Ecarg xxx


----------



## Riley12

Beautiful ❤ Congratulations to you xx


----------



## dumbwing07

Essie - I am in tears, I could not be happier for you, after everything you have been through, you deserve this more than anyone Ive ever met. I have thought about you over all these years on FF and kept in touch with whats happening. You are truely blessed and i know you are going to be the best mummy and daddy ever. So much love going your way. Thinking of you all. Keep in touch! xxx


----------



## Togetherness

Welcome to the world baby Essie! Just so pleased for you like everyone else after so long waiting for a happy outcome. Treasure the cuddles, you will be running after her in no time at all! X


----------



## Louisej29

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your precious miracle rainbow baby girl. And what a perfect name.  

Essie- I could not be happier for you both.  You've shown such courage , strength and determination on this journey and there is no one who deserves this happy ending more than you.  Dreams really do come true hey. 

I hope you are enjoying every precious moment of those gorgeous baby cuddles, wishing you all so much happiness.  You did it!!!!!!  

Lots of love Louise xxx


----------



## rubyring

Many many many congratulations!!!! Such wonderful news after so many years of heartache.


It's difficult for me to read as I'm still struggling and know I can't go on much longer - financially, physically, emotionally, and we're OLD! I know you know exactly how it feels. But at the same time it gives me hope that there is always that small chance.


Thank you for sharing your story, and ENJOY!!!!


----------



## NowOrNever

Rubyring, I hope you get your happy ever after too. Keep going ... xxx


----------



## StrawberrySundae

Such lovely news, congratulations!   xx


----------



## Sharpey

I cannot believe it! Massive congratulations EssieJean. I feel like a legit stalker checking in on you every few months over the past nearly 6 yrs  to see how you were doing. Can’t tell you how thrilled I was to read that you were going to keep trying after that last one where you’d decided to call it a day, you probably don’t remember me as there have been so many closer FFs for you but we cycled together a few times and the last one I did was when I fell with my twin girls who are 5 in September and we were both transferring around our birthday on 18th Jan (2013) so I felt a special connection and kept my hope alive for you. What an incredible lady you are, and not forgetting Mr Essie too. Enjoy all the beautiful moments and try not to be too anxious. I was a state when mine arrived. You will be the best mamma. Look how much devotion you’ve already put in!? Sending lots of baby love to you and your family! Sharpey (Lou) xxx


----------



## teacups

Aw delighted to hear your precious daughter is here safe and sound.  You’ve had a long road to motherhood. Enjoy the newborn cuddles xx


----------



## morganna

Dear Essie,


Wonderful news on the birth of your baby girl!!    


If you are anything like I was, you will be crying quite a lot with pure joy and the incredulous feeling that your baby girl is safe and sound and here at last with you in this world.  Its all quite overwhelming, and incredulous. And you feel so much love.  Its such a special feeling and it does not go away!! the bonding is SO strong.


I remember I would hold my babys tiny hand while she lay next to me in her moses basket. And she used to like to fall asleep with me holding her tiny hand.


Such very special times.


ENJOY!!!!  


Love,


Morganna xx


----------



## bundles

Ladies Essie has asked me to reply to you all. She realises that she’s been unable to get on here to read all your messages and reply herself but baby Essie had a couple of weight losses so they were readmitted for a couple of days. They are home now but are being monitored.  Her weight has risen slightly yesterday so fingers crossed she is heading in the right direction. 
I’ve told her not to worry & that baby Essie is the most important thing, and I’m sure she’ll be back as soon as she can. I know you’ll all join me in sending them lots of love. 

Bundles xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hey lovely lovely ladies 

I'm a MUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!        

Sorry it's taken so ling to post it's been quite a rollercoaster but I'm happy to report Essie put on 320g in the last week so has now passed her birth weight... so proud of my little girl  This means we are now officially discharged from hospital and we can finally start to enjoy life as a family of 3 without all the schedules, diarising feeds and monitoring!

Honestly ladies your messages brought laughter and tears to my eyes..I could not have carried on without you 

We are both dumbstruck every time we gaze upon our beautiful Essie's face, she is so beautiful, like a china doll with her little button upturn nose and Cupid bow lips.... I never believed something so beautiful could come from me  she's already 3 weeks old today, time goes so fast, too fast! I feel delirious both with happiness and sleep deprivation  who knew you can function on 2-3 hrs sleep 

I apologise for the lack of personals but I hope you know how much you all mean to me, for following my journey, for supporting and advising, for cheerleading me on when I was at my darkest. I tend to withdraw into myself at times like that and I would withdraw from posting on FF but the supporting messages never stopped.

Just to say congratulations to *Clarabelle*! I hope you are coping with the sleepless nights and enjoying the cuddles and wonderment of your precious gift 

Also *Sharpey*.. yes of course I remember you  Has it really been so long?! Can't believe your twins are now 5! thank you for coming on here with your lovely message 

*Rubyring*.. there's always a small chance lovely. Admittedly on this last go I didn't feel that way, I had no remedial surgery that was recommended so I thought how could we possibly get a positive outcome.. we just wanted to be able to draw a line under the whole journey knowing we tried 'one last time'. Out of 8 embryos one survived and not only that was so strong fought against my apparent hostile body to be here today. Against all odds nature had other plans... there's such specific science behind nature and the human body that we sometimes underestimate. I understand where you are coming from I really do, there were times I didn't think life was worth living, but I hope you do try one last time.. financially we are all but ruined, physically and emotionally I was a mess and age well that was a big obstacle for me to deal with.. but now, looking at what we have I'd go through it all again in a heartbeat and the age thing just doesn't matter. Even with the sleep deprivation I've a newfound energy in looking after our baby girl..there's no motivation like it! And so what if we're 70 when she's 20..I'm sure Essie will keep us young lol Nobody knows how long we have to enjoy life, or someone, it's how you spend that time that counts. I wish you all the very best and hope you get your happy ever after 

Love to all 
Xxx


----------



## K jade

Just amazing  

I'll always think of your story and it the hope it gives us still trYing  xx


----------



## Northern

Amazing update Essie   so lovely to hear from you and good news that little Essie is gaining weight and doing well. 
You know I think you're an inspiration and it's amazing to hear you so happy!  Please keep us updated if and when you get time! 
Xxx


----------



## Tincancat

Yes kick ass to age! Essie will keep you young at heart.  Enjoy your beautiful Essie. 
TCCx


----------



## Roxychick1976

Perfect update!!! Glad Essie Jean in gaining weight! Enjoy your precious time! Such an inspiration to us all! Hope Mr Essie is good! Love to you all 💗 xxx please stay in touch lovely lady xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Great news! Glad Baby Essie is doing well. Enjoy this special time with your precious bundle. ♥

Clara xx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Fabulous update Mummy Essie, glad baby Essie is gaining weight and is now thriving. Hope Daddy is doing well too. You sound so chipper on only a few hours sleep each night but that’s one of the great joys of being a mummy. I just love to see your posts and I really hope you keep us all updated from time to time on how you all are. Much much love to you all 💕💕 xx


----------



## Artypants

Lovely update Essie, enjoy those precious cuddles, lots of love xxx


----------



## MadameG

Wonderful update Essie, very teared up here! That one last roll of the dice was pure magic. Lots of love to you all xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## RED13

Hi Mr and Mrs Essie and the beautiful Essie Jean!
Nothing in the world is like being a Mummy and Daddy.
Beaming here.  
You both made it!   
Your tenacious spirit has brought a miracle to life!
[/size]Let go of the terrible dark days and know you have been brought into the light now!
[/size]Enjoy every minute of your little darling.
[/size]Red13
[/size]
[/size]
[/size]


----------



## miamiamo

amazing update, enjoy the time


----------



## fififi

Waaaaaahhhhhhoooooooooo!!!!
Essie my lovely I've been awol over summer & am overjoyed to see your joyous news on my return. Like many others I read your update with tears rolling down my checks remembering all those feelings & emotions of finally actually holding a real live baby that's all yours. So delighted that you & Mr Essie are now officially living the 'happy ever after' and whilst they'll be new challenges none compare to the longest tunnel imaginable that you've travelled through to get to the light that is baby Essie. (Love the name Essie Jean by the way)
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!!!!!

Ps. Glad she's putting on weight & you're home as a family of three. Now it's time to treat yourself to long days of endless snuggles cos you most definitely deserve them xxxxx


----------



## Offthewall

Essie & Mr Essie - what incredible news! Came back to FF purely to check your news, as I knew you were due around now  

Lots of love to you all - your wonderful, complete family xx


----------



## mandalay

I just popped back on to catch up and hope I'm not too late to send you a big hug!   Oh its such fantastic news, Essie!!!  You did it!  You got there!  Many, many congratulations!  Absolutely incredible lady xxx  There is nothing in this world to compare to holding your little ones tiny hand in your own.  For everyone else still trying, I hope you have the courage and strength to do what Essie has done.  It's the most enormous personal battle.  But so worth it.  Wishing you every happiness, Essie....and some sleep now and again!


----------



## RB76

So very pleased for you all Essie!
YOU DID IT! X


----------



## simone546

Hi EssieJean,

Haven't logged into FF for literally years. I was on the Gennet thread in 2015/16 and you were having a tough time. Anyway, massive congratulations     seeing that you finally had success made me smile.


----------



## EssieJean

Hi lovelies 

How is everyone?

Just thought I'd pop on.. Essie is now 11 weeks and she's coming on in leaps and bounds. Her smiles are bigger and more frequent and she's started gurgling and trying to laugh 

She hasn't slept a wink all night/morning except on me and we haven't felt the benefit of the extra hour but I guess we never will now . She's adorable though, only this morning I woke feeling a sucking sensation on my nose.. she had mistaken me for her bottle!  I hasten to add I don't normally co sleep but it was 4am and nine if us had had any sleep  If anyone knows of any tips to get a little one to sleep as we've tried all the tricks.. pleeeeeease share them! Haha she just won't settle in her cot or Moses basket and will only sleep when being cuddled 

You might be interested to know that I've thrown myself way out of my comfort zone and shared my story with the Daily Mail! Eek! It's due in this Monday. I've never done anything like this before as I'm a private person but felt I could reach out to people beyond the forum to spread the hope to those suffering with infertility. There were only so many words the paper could use for the story so it doesn't go into the whole emotional side of things but more of a chronology of how Essie came to be. Take a break mag are also featuring our story but will be a few weeks yet. I fear fame has gone to Essie's head as it took 3 hours to get a smile out of her for her photograph! She was quite the diva and wouldn't perform on demand 

Just a quite shout out to *Simone*.. yes I do recall you on the Gennet thread.. it seems such a long time ago now. Thank you for jumping on the thread and for your congrats  Hope you're twins are thriving and that life is treating you well x

*RB* thank you! Still in a bubble and astonished we did it!

*Mandalay* thank you also, what a lovely message.. kind words still reduce me to tears, but happy tears now 

*Offthewall*, thank you for coming back on to check up on me, so many familiar names that I have great respect and fondness for fills my heart 

*Fififi*, another blast from the past  Thank you for your lovely post. Yes Essie is more than making up for losing weight in the early weeks, she's a proper little dumpling 

I hope everyone is well and anyone who is in the middle of treatment or starting out that it's all going well without complications, and good luck!

Love to all

(Big) Essie
Xxxx


----------



## Artypants

OMG! You're going to be famous  I'll be reading tomorrow and looking forward to reading your story and also seeing photos of your gorgeous munchkin x


----------



## Northern

Essie this is something I never thought I’d say but I’ve just set a reminder on my phone to buy the Daily Mail tomorrow!    So great of you to share your story with a wider audience and give hope to others going through struggles of their own - and I can’t wait to see more pictures of your little lady - your new profile pic is just gorgeous 😍. 
Such a wonderful update - please keep letting us know how you’re getting on, it’s so lovely to see a happy ending/happy new beginning.
Xx


----------



## Amy76

Essie what a lovely update, baby Essie looks gorgeous in your profile pic   
Well done for sharing your story, I’m sure you will be an inspiration & give hope to those who are struggling with infertility in the same way that you have for those on ff  
I bet the big smiles help make up for the lack of sleep!  
Amy
xxx


----------



## K jade

can someone please post the link as I couldn't find it? its  all  Megan  and we want ESSIE!
looking forward to reading your amazing story!


----------



## Faithope

Echo the above post! I can't find the article?

Beautiful baby Essie xx


----------



## Clara Rose

Lovely to hear your update Essie...I'm glad you are enjoying being a Mum. 

Unfortunately I couldn't find the article either!

Clara xx


----------



## Jenso

What a lovely update.

My daughter hated her moses basket and would only sleep on me for the first eight weeks. We bought a sleepyhead, they are quite pricey but they really worked for us. Most ppl I have spoken to have co-slept with their little one for the first few months. Good luck with everything!


----------



## morganna

Thats so lovely to hear Essie.
You are no doubt madly in love with Essie, and let me tell you it only gets better.  
Pippa sleeps with me every night, (she goes to sleep in her own bed, then without fail, she comes to my bed, and i love it!!). Our bond is amazing. So special.


So all i can say is ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY.


Pips was never a good sleeper.  But she did not have to be held.  Only when the poor lamb had colic.  And it was when i added water to her formula that she no longer had the dreaded colic.  I wish someone had told me because it was 2 months of hell for her.  AND me!  


Anyway, again, enjoy your precious daughter.


Love,


Morganna xx


----------



## EssieJean

Hi ladies

Just a quick post to let you know that my article hasn’t been printed yet due to the helicopter crash over last weekend and Prince Harry and Meghan’s tour.  I’ve been told as our story isn’t breaking news it will be featured as soon as there is space.  Sorry to have had you all scouring the newspapers  . As soon as I hear back I’ll post again,

Thanks for all your interest, and advice on sleeping babies!

Love Big Essie.  
Xxx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

I just love logging in and seeing you’ve posted an update Essie. Essie looks just gorgeous and hey sleep is over rated when you’ve got a gorgeous wee munchkin who needs big cuddles! However mummy does need  💤 💤💤 at some point. I found with the twins having a really strict bed time routine of bath then feed each night starting at 6 eventually did the trick along with Euan the dream sheep in the cot with his lovely white noise! Don’t get me wrong we’d be up and down the stairs like yo-yos but one day it clicked and they just slept. Do you know what, I absolutely love to read and comment on parenting tips with you lovely, it really puts a big cheesy smile on my face  

And as for your article I bloomin’ well can’t wait to read that. I never read the daily mail but I’ll be looking it up each day just in case you’re there. Well done you for doing it as you really are an inspiration to others as you got your happy ever after which will give so many ladies out there who are struggling hope. Happy days 😃

Xxx


----------



## EssieJean

It's in!!

https://dailym.ai/2PFp4hC

Xx


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Morning Essie just read it and it’s a lovely article, you are looking amassing honey and wee Essie is just too cute for words. Happy days 😍😍😍 xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you Twinkle toes!  I’m really pleased with it.. Essie looks adorable and so glad we got one smile eventually   if it gives hope to many then it was well worth sharing with the world  

Xxx


----------



## Efi78

Wow. Essie you are such a beautiful woman. Stunner. You look much younger than your age.

Little Essie is so beautiful as well. Congratulations and wishing your family all the best in your lives. You deserve it. xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Aw thank you so much Efi... wishing you all the very best on your journey   X


----------



## NowOrNever

I"ve just read it! You all look great, and its lovely to see what the people you've been "talking to" online for years look like!!!

Can I also just say that its the only piece I've ever seen on the Daily Mail with positive readers comments under it - no haters 

Well done for being brave enough to do the piece. I'm sure there will be many it gives hope to!!

xxx


----------



## Shamrock.

Lovely article. Congrats on baby Essie. She is beautiful


----------



## K jade

You look absolutely stunning!  How the hell are you 49? I do think all the pre conception  vits we pop over the years do wonders for our skin ! X


----------



## Artypants

Looking absolutely fabulous Essie and baby Essie is a gorgeous little poppet, well done you xx


----------



## Dory10

Lovely article and what a beautiful family, I agree you look far younger.  Our littlest is a couple of weeks older than Essie and I'm rocking some great under eye bags at the moment - I need your tips   xx


----------



## Sammy77

Haven’t been on for absolutely ages, but just wanted to say Essie - massive congratulations.  You were in a chat when I cycled a few years ago and I just knew it was you when I read the mail today.  I’m so happy you have got your happy ever after xx


----------



## Inaaya

Congratulations to you and your beautiful family xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Oh wow Essie I've just read the article, it's wonderful. You look great, and what a little sweetheart Baby Essie is. Enjoy every moment, you deserve it. xxx


----------



## Northern

What a beautiful article - best thing I’ve ever read in the Daily Mail!   I passed someone reading it in the supermarket cafe before and I felt so proud, knowing who you are and that it’s helping to share such an important issue. 
Little Essie is absolute gorgeous, and yes I think I also want some of what you’re on, you look incredible! 
Congratulations Essie and lots of love to your lovely family xx


----------



## EssieJean

Oh wowee!! Thank you all for the lovely comments 

I've been inundated with lovely texts and messages all day, but of course the star of the show is baby Essie 

*NoworNever*.. thank you so much x.. that's really good to know re: the haters. I'm so pleased the article has received a positive response! I had to bite the bullet to approach the papers.. I didn't tell anyone I had until I knew it was being published - I would have talked myself out of it if I had 

Thank you *Shamrock*, really appreciate your lovely comments x

*K* *Jade* LOL  I get a lot of folk not believing me I'm embarrassed to say. I tell you it was a right pain in my teens and 20's when I couldn't get into nightclubs, or discos as they were known then haha  I think the vitamins have helped though 

Thank you *Artypants* 

Hi *Dory*.. I'm sure it won't be long before my carrier (eye) bags start to show! Lol congratulations on your little one.. people told me enjoy your babu because they grow so fast but didn't realise how fast until now!

Hi *Sammy*, thank you for popping on  I do remember you actually and how bizarre that you thought of me when reading the article! Hope all is well with you x

Thank you *Inaaya*, I appreciate you taking the time to send your congrats.. I'm so very lucky to have this support network of lovely strong ladies x

Hi *Clara* *Rose*, thank you so much, we remind ourselves to enjoy every minute when Essie keeps us awake at night.. it keeps us sane lol

Hello *Northern*, lovely to hear from you and thank you for your comments (she blushes!).. how lovely that you saw someone reading the article, it feels strange knowing that our faces have been shown over the world, scary, but all for a good cause 

Need to release Mr Essie from nursing duties, but thank you lovelies for your wonderful support.

Love to you all
Big Essie 
Xxx


----------



## Togetherness

well done! That's a lovely article. Baby Essie looks just as surprised and delighted as you all must be and Mr Essie grinning... Must be a very proud dad.


----------



## deblovescats

Congrats Essie on both your gorgeous daughter and the beautiful article! You look so youthful and beautiful - can't believe you have any sleepless nights! I know when you were cycling, you were concerned about being an older mum, well let me say, you won't have anyone querying if you are mum! I'm so glad you've got your happy ending, you've been through so much and have kept strong. Good for you.
It's amazing to actually see you in print, and to see you as a 'real person' and not a pseudonym on a forum! Wonderful.
I've followed your story for so long and am so happy to see it in print.
I was also delighted to see how positive you were in the article about donor eggs - it's time the media viewed this as a positive choice and not a 'second best'! Well done, you!


----------



## miamiamo

amazing article! Wish all your family all luck in the world


----------



## Amy76

Essie you look amazing & baby Essie is gorgeous, what a lovely article & beautiful family   xxx


----------



## fififi

Essie - ditto everyone else's comments re how stunning you look & how unbelievably gorgeous baby Essie is. Lovely to know that you've been brave & shared your story & hopefully it will give someone else that sense of hope that is so often needed on our journeys.

Not sure if you've got any further with Essie's sleep but my little girl also wouldn't sleep except on me. Wasn't a perfect solution but the sleepyhead helped us out too.

Hope you continue grinning for a long, long time to come.
The happiness from such a long wait isn't one that fades & almost makes me glad I didn't just sneeze & get pg as the value of my 2 girls is so, so high x


----------



## dumbwing07

Essie - amazing, so nice to put a face to the name, she is beautiful and you all look so happy, congratualations! I am so happy you have your miracle. 
lots of love xxxx


----------



## Roxychick1976

What a lovely article and yes your absolutely stunning! I need some of what your using! Just such a beautiful family! Your amazing sharing this storey xx lovely to see pictures of Essie who is just gorgeous xx please keep in touch with your news and progress! What a wonderful Christmas you will have this year xxx


----------



## katkat2014

Hello essie so nice to hear from you! I was getting goose bumps reading your story again (in a very compressed version!). I think it's brilliant you're sharing your story with the world. Little essie is just gorgeous!! And you just look stunning. Lots of love   kat x


----------



## Karhog

Gorgeous family! So so pleased you got your happy ever after.xxx


----------



## nevertoolate

loved the article and wonderful pictures. Also really good to see some many positive comments in response to the article on the readers comments. well done for sharing your story. xx


----------



## Lily0750

Congratulations Essie! 
The best article and very unusual for Daily Mail.
Lovely photos! Three of you are such a wonderful family!


----------



## teacups

Lovely article. You all look great. Such a cute baby x


----------



## Roxychick1976

Essie, Mr Essie and the star of the show baby Essie-Jean I just wanted to wish you the happiest of Christmas and a fabulous 2019. Lots of love and Christmassy wishes 🎄🎅🏻❤🌟 xxx


----------



## EssieJean

Thank you Roxychick!!    Merry Christmas to you too lovely xx

Sorry not been on here for a while, life has been so hectic but absolutely wonderful and we’re soooooooo excited for Christmas! We don’t get much sleep these days but I shan’t sleep a wink tonight. We’ve had so many years of sad Christmases I’d almost forgot how to be happy and now I’m bursting with happiness I can hardly contain myself  

Wishing you all the merriest of Christmases and the happiest and healthiest of New Years!

Love The Essies!  

Xxxx


----------



## Louisej29

Merry Christmas lovely Essie.  It’s so wonderful to have exciting and magical Christmas days after so many sad ones.  So very glad you are getting to experience that happiness. Hope baby Eddie is doing well and sounds like you’re loving being a mummy. Yay!  Xxxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Merry Christmas Essie, Mr Essie and Baby Essie! I'm so happy for you...I remember only too well my own sad Christmases...but like you I never gave up and our dreams came true.

Enjoy!


----------



## Twinkle toes 75

Lovely update Essie, Merry Christmas to your beautiful wee family. I’m sure you had the day you’ve been dreaming of for so long, it only gets better as the wee lambs get older. We had the most exited little people on Christmas Eve/day and it was absolutely brilliant. Love to you all xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Essie, am I right in thinking you are celebrating a rather special birthday today?  


If so then have a wonderful day with Mr Essie and Baby Essie!


----------



## Louisej29

Happy birthday Essie.  Bet you’ve been looking at your baby girl and just thinking she is the best present ever !! X


----------



## EssieJean

Hi Clara and Louise  

Yes you’re right Clara, the Big 50!  . 
Thank you Louise, happy birthday to you too, if I remember correctly it was your birthday too?? 

I had a lovely birthday, who knew I’d be celebrating my 50th with my 5 month old daughter! Mr Essie bought me an eternity ring and organised a surprise party!! It was fabulous and I didn’t have a clue.. everyone did really well keeping it from me. I’m usually the one giv8ng surprise parties so it was lovely to be the recipient for a change. I’ve not really thought about the age thing, turning 50.. although had it not been for having Essie I wouldn’t be dealing with it quite so well! 

Essie is coming on leaps and bounds. She’s already 5 and a half months old and being weaned, she tried sweet potato today. she even gave us a little ‘rocking dance’ today, it was so funny to see  

Hope everyone ok on here, and Happy New Year! 

Xxx


----------



## Clara Rose

Enjoy every minute of your little one Essie. Happy New Year to you too!


----------



## miamiamo

EssieJean - happy birthday. 50 is only the number, and you look amazing


----------



## Clara Rose

Wishing you a very happy first birthday Baby Essie!


----------



## K jade

Not sure if Essie still comes on ff but i stumbled across this in the DM

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7951359/amp/Father-miracle-baby-born-spending-60-000-nine-rounds-IVF.html

What a beautiful family and gorgous little Essie is starting to look very grown up ❤❤


----------



## Artypants

Aahhhh such a lovely happy ending, what a lovely family


----------



## StrawberrySundae

A lovely and inspiring happy ending! 🙏🏻 😀


----------



## miamiamo

really inspiring story


----------



## Northern

Aah this is lovely! So nice to have an update. - I did see he was writing a book as it was on our local news a while ago - how amazing to get it published and omg little Essie is such a cutie! 💕


----------



## Tulipwishes

What a beautiful family


----------

