# Searching for Bumble and Ladybug! ( My adoption Diary)



## ❣Audrey

Think it's about time I start this!  In mid March we made the decision to adopt.  Hopefully this diary will give an insight to where we have come from and our new journey...

...
How can one ever truly know where life is going to take you?  Can you honestly say that all of your childhood plans for adulthood came to fruition easily, like you believed they would?  Ahh the naivety of youth!  Do you ever miss it?  Do you still try to carry some of it through your adult years?  I know I do.
  Rainbows.  That’s where my childlike wonder comes flooding back.  Just the thought and my head is filled with multi-coloured light, bouncing around the innards of my skull and refracting off my distant memories.  That initial wonderment as the beautiful curving light display appears in the sun soaked, rain filled sky.  The marvel of those seven distinct colours and the places in between.  The question that you once asked a small child, still there, perched at the opening of your lips, but holding back.  After all, you’re an adult now – you know how and why rainbows are formed.  Yet still, here you are craning your neck.  Staring awestruck at its beauty.
  As an adult, rainbows hold more significance for me.  I am no longer drawn to them by the myriad of colour projected through the raindrops.  It now holds meaning.  And the older I have become, the more they have meant.
  This is the story of my rainbow.  Our search for Bumble and Ladybug...

Love.

It’s never like they portray it in films is it.  Never sickly sweet and perfect.  But to be honest I was never looking for love like that.  I’ve never been a hopeless romantic.  Give me a Farrelly Brothers comedy over a chick flick any day!  I’ve never watched Dirty dancing the whole way through, or Grease.  I’m not a love struck Sally, searching for my Harry. 
  I was never a girly girl.  I can be feminine, don’t get me wrong, but you’re not going to see me dressed in pink fluff, dolled up to the nines and blowing bubbles with hubba bubba.  Let’s face it; you’re more likely to find me in a hooded sweater and jeans, barefoot running through the sand in the pouring rain.  Or dressed up in endless layers for warmth, walking boots upon my feet, because I am a notorious klutz, pootling along up to the highest point of a hill only to mount my husbands sledge his parents kept from childhood and come whooshing down again, hollering as I go.  Arms and legs flailing like they’ve forgotten that they need to remain attached to the rest of my body.
    But I always wanted to be a Mum.  I always knew that.  My maternal instinct was strong.  And in many ways I was so lucky.  DH and I met when I was 18.  He was my first boyfriend, and from the moment I met him I just knew that this was it.  Trust me though, it was not the sickly sweet and perfect love story.  Jake asked me out by saying ‘none of my friends wanted to go out tonight, so my Mum said I should ring you up and ask you out instead’.  And it wasn’t all roses either.  But we made it through.  Whatever life had thrown at us, we were together.  And on February 14th 2004 we were married.  My life was complete.

‘First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Bonnie pushing a baby carriage’

  If only it were this simple!  We knew we wanted a family.  Strange though – we had always talked of it as having a family – never a need for a baby.  Looking back now I think that has been key in our dealing with infertility and the path our journey is now taking us.  Like all naive newly married couples we expected it to happen so quickly and be celebrating Christmas with the family, including a pink smiling bundle we had produced.  But life had other plans for us.
  I don’t want to go into great detail about our infertility journey, because I truly believe that it is behind us, and with this exciting move forward it is indeed the past.  That’s not to say it hasn’t made a lasting impact on our lives.  It has – in many ways it has made some staggering changes to us both as people, how we deal with things and most significantly it has impacted on how strong our relationship is.  There were times I hated myself, times I felt like such a let down for my husband.  But then he would remind me – our life was complete – we had each other and we were happy.  Any children were just a welcome extension of that.  We spent many years planning life around our fertility journey – hospital appointments, rounds of treatment, possible due dates – you name it life fitted in around it.And time seemed to pass so quickly.
  From the start I had said that I was unsure about treatment, but we forged ahead – driven by a desire to be parents, and for me driven not to let my husband down.  What a beautiful thing hindsight is.  Like a rainbow it makes clear the many colours.  I’ve never let him down.  I never asked to have physical problems that made me unable to bare him a child.  And he was always so accepting of this.  Like me he was complete.  We had each other.  He always said there were enough children out there needing parents.  It just took me a while to realise I wasn’t letting him down.  That he loved me regardless.

The End Of Our Rainbow

By 2009 we had become very accepting of our situation.  Although painful, we knew it was now highly unlikely we would have our own children and that we had almost reached the end of our journey with the NHS.  Yet here we were still as in love, if not more, than we had ever been. And so on 15th August 2009, we renewed our vows.  On the most beautiful beach.  With 9 bridesmaids, all in a colour of the rainbow.  Our rainbow, after years of rain.  We celebrated with family and close friends the fact that despite all we had been through we were still smiling, still had each other and our love.

Searching for Bumble and Ladybug…

  And so to now.  To this exciting new path our journey is taking.  We had discussed adoption on so many occasions over the last 6 years of marriage, but now it feels right.  We’re ready.  Ready to be Daddy and Mummy.  Ready to welcome the extension of our family unit that will be our future children.  Our forever family.
  Once we had made the decision, we both felt like a huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders.  That after all this time we were moving ahead on a positive part of our life journey together.  We talked at great length about our limitations, what we could handle and how big we wanted our family to be.  And so we decided that we would like to adopt 2 children, preferably siblings, who will be our Bumble and Ladybug.

  And this is my diary while we are on our way to find them…


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## Camly

look forward to following ur journey.

lots of love camly x x x x


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## ❣Audrey

15th March 2010.

  After much discussion we have made the decision to adopt.  Jake seems happier.  Me – I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  No more pressure to keep my weight down for the sake of a treatment that may or may not work.  No pressure to be at hospital every 5 minutes.  No pressure on us full stop right now.  And happiness – a sense of peace and happiness.  A feeling that after all this time we are on our way.

Good times.

22nd March 2010.

  Today we told our close friends and family of our decision.  I am so touched by peoples responses.  At work everyone was just so excited for us.  Everyone is so supportive and happy for us.  I continue to feel like I am on cloud 9 – like this is all so right for us.  I rang the VA and asked to be sent an information pack.  I had a chat with the social worker on the telephone for a while talking about our home, the kind of children we would like to adopt etc.  It all feels so much more real now – not just a conversation we have had – it’s actions now and it’s exciting!

( will update this further tomorrow - I need my bed! ) xxx


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## ❣Audrey

30th March 2010.

  Our information pack arrived today and we are booked on the information evening on the 7th April!  I can’t believe it’s so quick!  You hear of people waiting ages to go to an information evening and we only have to wait a week!  The reality of having made this decision and the huge impact it has already had on both of us continues to sink in.  It’s been a positive impact though.  I know it is such early days as yet and so much could go wrong, but for now I am enjoying the new found peace I feel and the enjoyment that comes from discussing this journey with Jake.

6th April 2010.

  Jake is all set to find out where we need to head for the inform evening tomorrow night and we have talked at length about our expectations and desires for this journey.  I am so excited – the feeling of seeing a rainbow as a child is creeping back for the first time in many years.  This is just the beginning of our rainbows end and it feels amazing!

7th April 2010.

  I must have been a nightmare to work with today!  I am scared, nervous and oh so many things.  I am worried that the social worker and other people present at the information evening will take one look at us and make the same mistake that many people do – presume that we are so much younger than we are and then judge us on it.  Although a sociable bod, I like to be in my comfort zone, and meeting with a room full of strangers to approach something as sensitive as adopting fills me with dread!  Should I hope that it is a full evening and we can hide at the back – would we be judged on this?  What if my outfit isn’t right?  I chose jeans, a smart navy blue top and cardigan with my favourite red trainers – what if this isn’t right! If I wore a suit would that be too stuffy?  If I wear jeans and trainers will it be too scruffy? 

  As it is we arrive 10 minutes late – parking is a nightmare and we have to walk, well almost run, as I am panicking about making the wrong impression!  On arrival we can’t get an answer at the door and I am starting to worry I have missed a message saying it was cancelled, or that because we were late they don’t want us to come in (lovely rational female mind that I have).  Thankfully though I am wrong and we are invited in by a lovely lady and taken upstairs.  We enter to find only one other couple. Mid forties and with children already.  The evening is informative ( although having already trawled for hours on Fertility Friends, my by now Wikipedia on all things fertility and adoption related, and home of some of the most amazing men and women you will ever meet, I know an awful lot about what is being said), and relaxed thank god!  We are briefly asked of our plans and hear about the other couples plans – they seem fixated on time scales and want the social worker to give them a definite number.  Infertility has made me realise time scales mean squat and I am just so happy to be sat in this room starting this journey!  

  I leave feeling like this is finally it…we’re on our way…the heartache of the last years is starting to become not irrelevant, not gone, but well, to be honest I can’t think of a sensible word to explain it, but it hurts less.  I feel like our journey had to take that path to start with to make me strong enough to go through this next part.  All the way home Jake and I babble to each other about the evening.  About the future.  Happy babble.  Not done this in forever.  It feels good.  It feels right.

  We’ve barely travelled a few miles when we call Jake’s parents to tell them how it went.  Bob is as ever full of questions and joy at this path we are taking.  Even at this early stage, his ebullience is affecting his son even if he doesn’t realise it.  I am so lucky that my husband has his father who has more enthusiasm than even us about this, to stand by his side and guide him into fatherhood.

  As soon as our bottoms hit the sofa, the pen is out and our Expression of Interest Form is filled out and in it’s envelope ready to be sent off.  7 pages of not too detailed information (including all our pets’ details, name, age, breed…) that will make a social worker decide if they would like to come and see us…

8th April 2010.

  The EOI is in the post!  Now all we can do is wait…

17th April 2010.

  I can’t quite believe that it has been almost 10 days since we posted the all important form!  Time seems to be passing quickly.  We have filled our time with plans galore.  Plans for the house, plans for the future, you name it we have probably been planning…

  Today we went into town – we never usually venture in to town much.  I am a shopping phobic.  But poor Uncle Max had his flight cancelled due to the Icelandic Volcano Incident, and so we decide to go and meet him for a spot of lunch and to cheer him up.  We decided to purchase something linked to the start of this journey for us.  Something we can give to Bumble and Ladybug in the future, something we could make.  And so we decide to buy a canvas each.  Both of us will paint a picture for their room.  

18th April 2010.

  Today we started ‘Operation Family Home’, as we have decided to call it!  Basically transforming our home from what it is now – a home for us and occasional home for our nieces and nephew – to what it needs to be for this journey to go well!  We decide that we will move our bedroom up to the top floor and move the office across one room.  We will then transform the 2 first floor bedrooms into wonderful children’s rooms – which will of course get much use from Cali, Rowan and Willow in the meantime, meaning they will have been well tested and hopefully perfect.  The garden will need to be redone and various other small jobs my husband may have intended to put off until Uncle Barrie visited and spied the spanner, or screwdriver cunningly left out to lure him in, and completed it for him!

20th April 2010.

  Our first adoption related publication arrived this morning (try saying that with a mouth full!).  ‘Approaching Fatherhood’.  It is of course for Jake to read first.  I am somewhat sceptical – I don’t know why either.  His enthusiasm for the process is high (although Jake does struggle somewhat to show enthusiasm at the best of times), I have noticed he is involved and wanting to talk often about this journey.  

  My scepticism is ill founded as Jake immediately starts reading the book and telling me all about what he is reading.  I am finding great admiration for him as we enter this journey – so many men would have wanted their own biological children, and yet I can honestly say my husband has left me feeling secure and safe in the knowledge that all he wants is a family.  And he is so sure this is right, that we are taking the right path.  For as we have both said so many times in the past, there are so many children already needing homes, it often makes you question the sense of bringing more into the world in the first place

  He is so lucky.  He has a father who is so excited about this, and close friends who are equally as excited!  Max of course asked WHEN do we get the children, ARE they in a shop?  DO we pick them out.  His way of showing excitement for us always makes me laugh!

21st April 2010.

  Although I have been trying to steal myself to be patient and remember that the adoption road can be a long one, each time we have got in from work this week and checked the mail, I have hoped our letter would have arrived.  That confirmation that we are on our way – that they want to find out more about us and consider us…

  And today we were not disappointed. 

I received my first adoption related book – ‘Adoption Diary’ which I will of course devour as soon as I can.

  There was also a letter addressed to Mrs B and Mr J Collins (which quite frankly if I didn’t think the social worker might find a little odd, I would frame and have on the mantelpiece), telling us that indeed they DO want to see us.  Not only that but they will be coming on the 6th May. 

  We are both elated and feel so excited.  Nothing could have prepared me for this feeling.  We are both jumping up and down in joy.  Such a small victory in terms of this whole journey, but nonetheless a victory.

  I immediately ring work to tell them I will need most of the day off.  Of course they are thrilled for us although I probably gave such a garbled message they wouldn’t understand.  And then we ring Jake’s parents, my parent’s (and as I am allowed to refer to her as such on here) Auntie Sharon and Uncle Barrie, who have been great friends to us throughout our infertility journey.  

  I can only imagine this is how people must feel when they are told how many eggs have been retrieved on a round of IVF or similar.  For us we never reached that stage, but now I don’t need to.  I have that feeling and it feels damn good.

  It could take many days for me to get down from the ceiling…

22nd April 2010.

  I met with some fellow FF ladies for lunch today.  One is a close friend and has had some news which already has me smiling.  The rest are at various stages.  All have witnessed our struggle in the last few years and our battle with the NHS.  Today though for the first time I can chatter on (and quite possibly talk far too much) about our journey – how it really is starting and how excited I feel.

  I come away from the lunch feeling so elated.  For the first time my desire to be a mother is a positive part of my life,  the journey we are on to begin a family is positive and those around us are so positive for us.  


24th April 2010.

  Hi!  I am still on the ceiling – chances of me coming down – still pretty much zero.  This morning I collected our third book ‘What to Expect when You’re Adopting’, (just as well as I finished the adoption diary within days).  We start the day with ‘Operation Family Home’ in full swing. 

We both want our close family and friends to be as involved in our journey as possible.  Without their love and support we wouldn’t have made it this far.  And so I designed and set up this web site today.  It felt so good choosing the lay out.  Admitting to our (probably considered hideous but I like them) pet names for our future children.

  By the end of the day our bedroom is complete and we both retire to bed early, enjoying our new room.  Our Mummy and Daddy bedroom.  The room we will lay in at night listening for sounds of sleeping children.  The room we will wake in to be jumped on, Saturday mornings by Bumble and Ladybug.  The room we will here the joys of the realisation that Santa has indeed arrived on Christmas morning.

  I’m beginning to like this ceiling a lot…


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## Camly

awww, fantastic reading    hope ur still up high in the ceiling    x x x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Hun thats really lovely, stay on that ceiling. Hopefully will be following you shortly x Feel like a stalker Bee seem to follow you around lol


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Hi hope your ok??  

Just wanted to say I really hope tomorrow goes well for you both thinking about you


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## ❣Audrey

AAA - thank you chick xxx

29th April 2010.

  The realisation that in just one weeks time we will be sat in our home with a social worker, discussing our future family, is starting, at times to scare me.  Don’t get me wrong, I am more than ready for this.  WE are more than ready for this.  But no matter how excited we both are feeling, for me personally there is still that slight niggling that if for any reason we were declined, I would feel so responsible.  It’s a feeling I have faced on so many occasions in these last years.  A familiar feeling that you never get used to.  And yet I have faced and dealt with it.  Logic tells me all that I need to know.  I am not physically responsible for the fact that my body cannot produce children.  I did not ask for this to happen to us.  And my husband loves me regardless.  We’re still together, stronger than ever.  As corny as that may sound, despite the ups and downs of the wonderful rollercoaster that is ones journey through infertility, we made it through to the other side and are smiling more than ever.

  Some days I veer from sheer excitement that we are so much closer to having our own family, to sheer dread at if I don’t measure up.  I am finding it oddly comforting that I have been through infertility before embarking on this journey, as I feel that it has prepared me well for these periods of uncertainty in such an emotional journey.

30th April 2010.

  Ladybug’s room is almost done!  It is amazing to look at it and realise that over the next couple of years this room will be used by our child.  It for some reason looks better as a child’s room than it ever did as our bedroom.  Were our minds secretly preparing us for this move?  I walk in to the room whenever I can a sneak a peek at it’s small bed and the few toys it has.  

  Today was my first full pay day since our adoption decision and I have to admit I did a little shopping.  Just a couple of bits for the bedrooms but it felt nice to just look at things and I spent ages reading toy boxes and books in  the children’s section at Tesco!  I found myself looking at the books and wondering what my children will like to read, what activities they will enjoy.  I can’t wait to find out.

2nd May 2010.

  Today has been a strange day in many ways, but amazing in so many others.  Barrie and Sharon and the girls came and joined us and we basically did a lot of work in preparation for Thursday.  We are forever indebted to these two individuals.  Their friendship and understanding during the last 8 years alone has been a constant reminder that we have not been alone in our journey.  Silent understanding.  A protectiveness.  And now extreme excitement for us in this new path that we have taken.  

  Having watched Kayleigh and Emma grow from such tiny babies to the amazing young ladies they have now become has been a pleasure, and it is heart warming to be handing Kayleigh the window cloth as she busies herself with anything and everything we can throw at her to help.

  Heidi also brings joy to the house.  From the shy little lady she was, to the sociable little woman she is now.  Her laughter and fun fill the house as she and Cali help to get Ladybug and Bumble’s rooms all finished, helped of course by Max, who as ever entertains the children successfully while the rest of us plod on.

  Barrie and Jake as ever, take the manly stance on DIY.  It doesn’t last long though as they are that good at it, they put a light bulb that is too large in to the bathroom light fitting and consequently smash the fitting when screwing it on.  It keeps them amused for quite some time and affords them a trip to B and Q.

  Mum and Dad C also pop over.  Mum was at first reticent to come over given that we had company, but they have been on holiday this week, and Jake and I had both missed them.  So I made it clear they should visit.  I am so grateful to them both for their patience with me over the years, but mostly for the gift they have given me in the form of their son Jacob.  It was amusing to watch Dad’s face as he sat and marvelled in the rather full house that we had.  I love watching Jake’s parents with children.  They are so patient, fun and loving.  I can’t wait to be watching them with our children.  I know they will love them so much.  

  This day helps to remind me that as we grow older, family becomes what we make of it.  And it isn’t always the definition of family that we sought as younger people.  My Dad and I have often talked about how family isn’t always what you imagine.  Let’s face it, in today’s society, there are very few families who fit the ideal.  I always consider myself a bit of an oddity to be one of 6 children – all of whom have the same mother and father, and whose parent’s are still married now.  It makes me realise how important it will be for Bumble and Ladybug to see that for us, family is something we make, and no matter where you come from, family can be achieved.

  It’s strange – as I reflect on what felt like such an emotional day at times, I smile so much.  We have achieved so much in terms of Operation Family Home, and laughed so much along with it.  In between light fittings, ironing piles, window cleaning and the dump, we have been jumped out from the cupboard at, had water fights, mini disco’s and a wonderful hot dog dinner round the table laughing as Max hogged all the beans…

3rd May 2010.

  Jake spent most of today painting the fence with Cali.  They enjoy their time together.  It’s nice to watch them interact.  To think that Jake was the youngest of two children and so never really had any experience of smaller children, you wouldn’t realise now.  Children warm to him.  I remember at Christmas last year, we went to our friends Mum’s house for Christmas Day tea.  Her nieces were there and were instantly climbing on him.  I think they just felt comfortable.  He is calm and relaxed.  

  Once I had finished work, we took Cali home and met her new baby sister.  She is beautiful.  A proper mix of Danielle and Dilly and just scrummy.  It’s the first time Jake had really met Dilly properly and they instantly get on – I blame a common love of The Karate Kid for this.  Dilly and Danielle are both excited for us and keen to know more about the journey ahead.  We both are happy to babble on of course.

  I come away feeling very peaceful and happy.  I have just been to see a week old baby, had hugs with her and do not feel one tinge of sadness.  My own children are waiting for me somewhere.  Bumble and Ladybug are starting their journey too.  They just don’t know I’m going to be their Mummy yet.

4th May 2010.

  I am starting to feel more nervous now.  Not in a bad way, but because I so badly want this to all go well.  The main of the house is ready as such, but we need to have a big tidy up and put the finishing touches in to reclaim our home from the big sort out.  We have both been quite ruthless and in many ways it has been a good exercise for us, helping us to prepare for what lies ahead.

  Work was quiet today so I was able to finish early which was a bonus.  My nervousness about being prepared is probably starting to grate on Jake a little, but if it is he doesn’t show it.  He and Max have a rather large laugh at my expense.  I had gone out and bought the cats all new collars – as a rule only Maple will wear one – as I was convinced that the Social Worker will think that we do not care about them if they are not wearing collars.  Within minutes Ben, Pootle and Maple are all sporting their new collars (to Ben’s disgust), but it’s midnight and Fat Wol still eludes me.  

They find this awfully funny.

5th May 2010.

  Today has been horrendous.  I am so damn nervous it doesn’t bare thinking about and to top it all in general I had a very stressful day.  At work I had to type an email for a lady to her brother but it was regarding their court case against their father for the abuse they suffered as children.  It was horrific but really made me think as I know that Bumble and Ladybug will have suffered some form of abuse be it neglect or whatever, but it made me realise how important it will be for them to have a loving, understanding family to support them through their journey.  

  As soon as I finish work my friend Charley comes and collects me and I let out all the emotion in the car on the way home – chewing her ear off for 20 minutes poor girl!  On arrival at mine, Charley asks the perfectly innocent question of which nice biscuits do I have for tomorrow – shock horror….none!!!  What would the social worker think!  We nip to the local shop and arm ourselves with fruity oatcakes and good old chocolate digestives.  

While at the shop, Charley bought me some beautiful tulips and gypsophila.  I don’t know if Charley realised when choosing them the significance of their colours or the fact that gypsophila is also known as baby’s breath.  But sat on my dining room table are some beautiful red and yellow tulips (yellow in bumbles stripes and red on ladybugs back) surrounded by baby’s breath.  I will always remember these flowers from our first visit.

  Once home we start on the last phase of operation family home for first visit!  Charley like me is a cleaning freak and sets about my windows making them sparkle inside and out!  After Charley has gone home, Jake and I continue and eventually Max pops over to help us too.  His enthusiasm for us both, and his wicked sense of humour make the job seem so much easier and quicker – although I have to say that if I ever hear him say ‘Next’ again I may well lock him in the shed!!

  I spend half an hour on the telephone to a lovely lady who has just adopted her second child, chatting away about my nerves, what it’s like and all sorts.  This helps me to feel so much more at ease.

  My one vivid memory from this evening was the point when we were already quite tired and made the mistake of sitting down before completing the last bits and bobs.  I don’t know how long we were sat there but every time one of us said ‘Right let’s get up’ we just ended up in fits of giggles as no one moved!

  I was worried that I might have trouble sleeping tonight but to be honest I am so tired I think there will be no issues there!!!

6th May 2010.

  I slept like a log! Didn’t want to wake up this morning as I was so tired, but after a few kicks from Jake I was up and ready to finish making the final touches on the house.  Texts start flooding in from 7am wishing us well although I don’t get to reply for now they serve to remind me of the support we have behind us.

  I was so nervous I developed an instant headache!  Jake said that he had a headache too.  But he still seemed so relaxed!!  Just as we had both got dressed and were putting away the last of the cleaning supplies the social worker turned up – half an hour early!!!  Cue a hurried rush to pop the last bits in the cupboard and make it to the door without looking flustered!!

  Sandra is lovely.  I instantly feel relaxed with her.  I am sad to hear that she only does the initial home visits.  We sit down with a nice cup of tea and Sandra explains that there will be about 20 questions that she will ask us today that we will need to answer.  Some of the questions are as basic as ‘What do you do for a living? Others are more complex and look at the type of Bumble and Ladybug we would like.  Sandra says that because of our age we are likely to be offered children at the younger end of our age spectrum.  This doesn’t bother me either way but it is nice to know that we are considered young!

  The questions although not massively intrusive are at times intense.  We have to talk about our infertility journey as well as the future, and although we are secure in where we are headed, it is hard to remember the times when we would fill our heads with hope only to have it dashed.  The emotions we felt, the rollercoaster we travelled then.

  It is almost 4 hours before the visit finishes but the time flies.  It did make me laugh though – the look on Jake’s face when she finally asked to look around the house!  He thought she was never going to ask!  It feels very strange showing a total stranger around your home, having them evaluate it as a possible family home!

  Once it was all over, Jake and I let out a massive breath and are now at the point of realisation that this is it – we’re well and truly on our way!  Once my phone is on again the texts continue to flood in and I respond with our good news!!  All we have to do now is wait for the report to be sent to the VA and for them to invite us to go on the prep course!!

  I go in to work where the lovely Marian is so excitable it makes me want to cry with pride!!  Our moment is finally here…….and now to sleep…


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Bee you make me smile, laugh and cry reading this I have been waiting for an update. I don't know what to say as I can't find the words but I am so truely happy for you both xx


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## jessabella

ahhh ..sounds like things are going well..I can relate so much  to alot of the things you have said...heres to hearing more great news..and sharing with each other as we walk along this journey!


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## ❣Audrey

15th May 2010.

  I can’t believe I haven’t sat down this week and written in here, but on the other hand I am happy that time seems to be passing so quickly!  We haven’t as yet heard if we are definitely on the June preparation course, but I am finding my patience far more easily than I expected to.  I’m still up on the ceiling.  Still waking every morning with a giant grin on my face when I remember that this is it – our journey is started!  I still walk in to the two rooms we have prepared for ladybug and bumble and think to myself ‘wow, this is it!’.  

  I’ve almost finished the next book.  I find some of the adoptive mothers who write these books to be a bit contrite and somewhat annoying – one moaning about the fact that the social worker wasn’t happy about her smoking, and was shocked at how the process worked.  Probably annoyed me more because I could not imagine going into adoption at all unprepared!

  We attended the wedding of Chris and Pascaline yesterday, it only served to remind me of what a loving and caring set of friends we have and how lucky our children will be to have these ‘Uncle and Aunties’ around them.  Watching these two tie the knot was at times quite emotional – both have been fantastic friends to us – Chris for many years, and Pascaline since she met Chris.  Always there to talk and support us.  To see them make their marriage vows was so lovely.  

  Pascaline was chatting to me the night before the wedding and asked how long adoption would take us – when I said 6 months until we would be approved she was outraged – ‘6 months?  6 months?  But you will make perfect parents, they should be giving you children now!!!’  When I explained why it is so important that we go through this process, she did have to agree that the time scale was quick!

  I have recently seen the most amazing items in Homebase, which of course I will be purchasing!  One ladybug and one bumblebee camping chair!  How perfect could that be!  Hopefully next year they will be able to use them when we go camping!  So far I have resisted the temptation to shop for my children – although Jake did make me laugh today.  I was looking through the Cath Kidston magazine and saw the most beautiful outfits…

‘Awwww, Jake look at these – we could dress Bumble and Ladybug in them.’

Jake

‘well it would be their only outfit that year’

…you can tell which one of us is the incredibly practical one!


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## jessabella

ahhh bless...you are so cute..sound just like me...i have now started the list of items to buy..only up to ohhh about £1,000 so far...eekkk
Everytime I am shopping or even at asda to pick up something like basil..I have to see the kiddy section and I just want to buy EVERYTHING...Gareth has to drag me out of the section in order to get me away from buying something..there are so many things that I want its not even funny and we don't have the money to buy any of it..so I think I have decided to get a job...just until we are approved at panel at least..that way I can buy everything to spoil my little one!! hahaha


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## ❣Audrey

Monday 17th May 2010.

  Only one though to write down today…it’s a thought that came after a long think about infertility and moving on to this path of adoption.  I think some of us feel guilty for still thinking about fertility and biological children whilst going through adoption.  From what I can tell it is perfectly normal, and in my own opinion, I think it would be unnatural to be able to switch off feelings about having biological children and the memories of treatments and the journey through infertility to where we are now.  For some people, they find it hard to understand my decision to give up on having my own biological children altogether and seem quite shocked when I respond to the cliché ‘Aw you know what will happen, you’ll start to adopt and then you’ll end up with your own’ with a very polite ‘ that will never happen – we’ve decided that if we adopt, that is it for us – no more trying for our own ever.’  Anyway, we never gave up – we just moved on.

  Honestly though we made this decision for many reasons.  Those who have travelled the bumpy road of infertility will know that it is a path fraught with stress, anger, pain and heartache.  Since making the decision to adopt we both have felt a great freedom from this.  A sense of release and it makes us realise that we’re ready to say goodbye to the days of injections, trans-vaginal scans, hormones and specialists.  We’re more than ready to say hello to the days of 20 questions, keeping the house tidy in case the social worker is early, discovering things we never knew about ourselves, and of course the end result of a house full of family.  Our second reason for making this decision was a fundamental one.  It may not be true, but it is our belief that it would be far better for our adopted children to know that they were all we ever wanted.  I would never want to make them feel they weren’t enough.

  So, as painful as it may be for some of those around us (especially the women close to me), it is time to accept and move forward.  There will be no pregnancies, no shopping for maternity wear ( I’m pretty sure a fat stomach from too many cheese twists does not qualify for maternity pay), no late night call to the hospital, but this brings me to my thought, for I know that some of you may need to inwardly mourn this fact as you had always wanted those things for me.  I will be a mother do not fear and please take comfort in this thought…

  I have listened for years to women lament the damage their children unleashed on their bodies during pregnancy.  It used to make me sad wishing I could join in.  Now I secretly smile, safe in the knowledge that my children will fix my broken heart


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## ❣Audrey

Thursday 20th May 2010.

  Not an awful lot to report at the moment, just taking each day as it comes and trying to stay positive and patient.  Those around us are still so excited for us – I worry that their patience will wear thin quickly too!  I mean we will get impatient I am sure – no matter how much we try and steal ourselves to hold back, it’s going to be taking too long from time to time and we’re going to lose a little patience.  Let’s face it, if we didn’t we’d be saints.

  Jake and Joe made me laugh today.  For some reason we were discussing people who find out the sex of their baby before they are born, and I said that I had always decided that I would want a surprise at the end.  Jake was shocked by this (having never reached this stage and being a realist it wasn’t something we had ever discussed) and gave me the cocked head ‘Really - but you can't even cope with not knowing what you've got for Christmas!?"

  Joe on the other hand chimed in with this snippet of wisdom…

  ‘Why don’t you ask the adoption people if you can do the same – you know, when they say what would you like, just say a surprise…’


All I shall say today is boys…sigh…

Friday 21st May 2010.

  This diary would be nothing if it wasn’t honest and open.  After all our entire adoption process requires us to be this way.  So it is with heavy heart that I write today’s entry.

  Today I understood some of what it must feel for an adoptive child to feel alone, to feel like they didn’t belong.  I do not totally understand myself the reasoning behind the situation, but in short we were recently uninvited to a family event (I think that’s all that needs to be said).  Today is the day of the event and I thought I would be ok.  But I’m not.  I feel sad knowing that the rest of my family are all there together, celebrating and we’re not.  That we’ve been excluded, for whatever reason, hurts and feels like a knife twisting.  I look back to a week ago at Chris and Lina’s wedding and how much we enjoyed it and felt at home, and how positive it made me feel about Ladybug and Bumble’s future and our friend’s part in their lives.  Today I just feel sad for the loss Ladybug and Bumble may never be aware of until they are older and the loss some of my biological family members will have due to the distance between us in our relationships.

  But no matter how sad this may make me feel right now, I have to look at the positives.  Those closest to us continue to be as excited as we are, and I am more than 100% certain will be an incredible force in the lives of our little ones.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Hun, you make me cry laugh and smile every time I read your diary. Hope you hear soon. Take care xx


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## Maccer

Hi Bee,

Just wanted to send you a huge   , I hope your family wake up and realise how they are behaving, I hope you hear about the prep course soon.  

Take care,
Mx


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## ❣Audrey

Thank you xxx


Saturday 22nd May 2010.

  Could this really be my last birthday before I am a Mummy?  Every year we have said this before it felt almost empty, knowing that nothing was certain in the world of infertility, but this year everyone has said it – reinforcing the positive feeling – this is it – we are on a road that is leading us somewhere and to new beginnings.

  I feel spoilt this birthday.  Jake got me a new latop and some software.  Mum and Dad C bought me the most Gorgeous Cath Kidson “Mummy” hand bag – you could fit a whole house in it!  And the lovely Marian spoiled me with a CK wash set which makes me pong of roses – a smell which evoked immediately childhood memories of making perfume with Rose Petals, and made me emotional thinking of the possibilities of doing that very thing with my own daughter next year.

Tuesday 25th May 2010.

  Having rung the VA we are adopting through yesterday to find out about the preparation weekend, I rang again at lunch time today.  The lady I spoke to yesterday evening was not one of the adoption co-ordination team so I figured I could ring back today and ask again about it all.  I half expected to be told they hadn’t heard of us after our years of interaction with the NHS, but I have to say I got a pleasant surprise when the lady said she could see our names pencilled in on the weekend.  She said someone would call us back to confirm, but as it stands I am beaming from ear to ear!!!

Friday 28th May 2010.

  Just a quick entry to say it is 100% OFFICIAL!!!  We received an email this evening asking us to confirm we will be attending the Adoption Preparation Weekend and an itinerary!  Frankly the itinerary scares the pants off me with things such as Erikson’s Tower and Transactional Analysis.  I feel I may spend quite some time during my well timed week off researching these things!

Tuesday 1st June 2010.

  I am finding it hard to believe that it is June already.  Remembering how much the year seemed to drag when I was younger and how far away Christmas always seemed, I cannot believe we are half way through the year and we are now just over 2 months in to our adoption journey.  Unlike our infertility journey, this one seems to be moving at a fast pace at present.  I say at present because I am already well aware of the delays that can become a part of this process and so although we are enjoying our smooth ride at the moment, I am not taking it for granted that our whole journey may not be like this.  
  I spent the day with my niece today.  I took her into town and thought a girly shopping trip and some craft time in the afternoon would be fun.  But I overheard her talking to her Uncle Jake telling him how bored she was.  I was heartbroken.  Could it be that I have no understanding of children of this age anymore?  If I cannot entertain my niece and allow her to enjoy herself, how will I be with my own children?  Will they only want to spend time with Jake, fun Uncle Max or Uncle Joe and not with boring Mum who sets boundaries and is firm?  Do I need to rethink how I would spend my time with a child of that age?  It really made me question my abilities as a future mother.  I thought doing down to earth things would be fun – quality time, still and quiet and learning things whilst enjoying ourselves.  Has society changed so much that children no longer want to do this?  We sat and sewed pictures for Ladybug and Bumble’s rooms.  Do I need to reassess how long a project should take?  How do parents find enough activities to keep a child occupied all the time?  Is this why so many children sit transfixed to their computer systems?  Do I need to start researching now what I should do?
  Much of our weekend had been a learning curve, with different behaviours thrown up from the children – testing boundaries, seeking attention.  Personally I have no issue with telling when a child is telling the truth or bending it.  I think it is something I pick up on well.  Jake however struggles to distinguish, being so new to all of this.  We have so much to learn.  But we knew that, however the events of today have left me distressed and sad.

Wednesday 2nd June 2010.

  My fears from yesterday melt away when Cali comes to tell me that she really enjoyed the craft time yesterday and our girly lunch.  Maybe I did get it right after all.  It does remind me however that the ‘emotional rollercoaster’ is not over just because fertility treatment has ended.  
  Each time something is required of us for the adoption path, a mixture of excitement and fear sets in.  For this weekend’s prep course, I have so far considered research for the listed itinerary, what outfits we should both wear for all 3 days, if I should get a hair cut, should we arrive early and if so how early?  A million and one questions and no good answer.  Jake looked at me like I was a fool when I mentioned 3 different outfits for both of us.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

LOL hun, hope you managed to find 3 different outfits each, I know what hubby would say to me "jeans and shirt and why change it if its not dirty"!?!?!?!?! MEN. 

Hope it all went well looking forward to hearing all about it.

How old is your niece hun?? She sounds like a right monkey kids hah they know which strings to pull bless them she sounds just like my nephews.

Take care xx


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## ❣Audrey

She's 10 chick!  She certainly did make me think lol!  I have more of the diary to add - had forgotten to update so I shall do that now! Hope you're ok xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Bless her, she is at that age where they don't know what they want to do, think they are grown up and wanna be treated like that but also wanna be kids she will probably say one thing and mean another as well especially been a girl. We are kinda lucky in that sense having 15 between us they cover all age groups. Mum has been summonds to my brothers tomorrow she thinks they might be telling her there is another 1 on the way aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh. Looking forward to reading more hun xx


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## ❣Audrey

Oh chick  massive hugs xxx

Thursday 3rd June 2010.

  This time tomorrow I will be sat with Jake discussing our day – our first day of our preparation course.  It seems so surreal that after such a long and complicated journey thus far, adoption is being simple and fast!  I am really quite nervous – I think I have my outfit sorted but I am more nervous of meeting new people, being judged, all sorts of things!  I am thinking that an early night will be a very good idea as I know that I will wake up very early in the morning!

Friday 4th June 2010.

  We were both up with the lark and got ready in record time this morning.  Jake was more panicky than me about making good time and in the end we got there 45 minutes early!!!  We dropped Pop and Bar off at Mum and Dad’s at half past 7 and they greeted us at the door, printed handouts in hand and big smiles on their faces!!  It felt weird leaving Poppy and Barley with them as I can imagine I shall want to huggle them when I get in at night but I am glad they will be well looked after.
  Today has been fantastic.  It feels weird to actually be on the preparation course but at the same time exhilarating and empowering too.  We are part of a small group – 4 couples including us.  The ice breakers I had dreaded so much actually turned out to be not so bad, and throughout the day I find myself opening my mouth to contribute.  I’m not quite sure who this lady is who chips in with comments and input but it is clear she is very enthusiastic about adoption and I like it.
  The biggest surprise of today has to be our total reconsideration of the age/number of children we would like to adopt.  Nothing is set in stone as yet but I know we have broadened our horizons and may well apply to adopt 3 children 8 and under – a slight difference to 2 children 6 and under!
  One thing that I have found myself thinking a lot about and we both chatted further about in the car on the way home is contact with birth family and birth parents.  When I first ever thought about adoption I actually once said I wouldn’t adopt in this country because of the whole visitation/contact issue.  How stupid and naïve was that. The more I think about it, the more compassion I feel for birth families and the more I feel that for my children I will want to fully understand their path to care and the dynamics of their birth family so that they can understand where they came from as they grow.  
  I must sign off for today – my bed is calling me but I am sure I will have much more to write tomorrow.

Saturday 5th June 2010.

  Today was so interesting and thought provoking.  It was however also very painful.  The subjects we covered brought forward many memories and feelings which were painful to recognise once again, but I did shock myself with the strength I showed in how I dealt with it and actually turned these things into a positive, allowing me to be able to understand an adoptive child and think carefully about their needs.
  The hardest part of the day for me personally was the clay families we made.  It was to show those closest to us during this process – our support circle if you will.  And whilst everyone else fashioned themselves, their parents, siblings, nieces and nephews and so on, both mine and Jake’s were identical in their formation.  They consisted of; Jake, Bon, Mum C, Dad C, Matt, Barrie, Sharon, Kayleigh, Emma, Heidi, Rowan, Willow, Cali, Max and our pets.  It made me sad.
  One exercise in particular I think we all found incredibly difficult and it was to read the story of an 8 year old girl who had been abused by her father – but written by her.  It was emotive and humbling.  Many of the topics we covered during the day I found myself thinking through at great length and really taking on board what was being said and wanting to learn more.  Funny isn’t it – when you attend seminars or lectures that are work related, once you’ve had lunch, it has an almost soporific affect on you, and yet after lunch I feel just as alert and ready to learn, right up until home time.  
  Although today’s subjects were hard to learn about, it has not left me with less of a desire to complete this process or to continue our journey as adoptive parents, in fact the opposite.  It has given me new found strength.  Strength to make sure that our life suits us, that people understand how important this is to us.


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## ❣Audrey

Sunday 6th June 2010.

  How is it that already we have completed our prep course?!  I felt sad today that we would be going home and not coming back again tomorrow for another day of learning.  But I know that I can take the opportunities at home to educate us further on this process and those around us also.
  On our way home we of course went to Mum and Dad’s to pick up the dogs.  It was reassuring that they had missed us although I am not sure how much as they do get nice treats!  We talked through our weekend with Mum and Dad – the good and the bad and it was so incredibly endearing and heartwarming that after our recalling some of the more gritty discussion and learning from the weekend, Dad said

‘ You’ve not been put off or are rethinking are you?’
Jake replied with a solid 
‘Not at all!  If anything we are more sure of doing the right thing’
With a huge grin on his and Mum’s face, Dad said
‘Oh fantastic, we didn’t like to say in case it put pressure on you BUT we are really excited!’

What more can I say?

Saturday 12th June 2010.

  I can’t quite believe that it is a week already since we were on our preparation course.  Yet again time seems to be passing so quickly.  We’re certainly going to make the most of this while we can.  It’s been an odd week – one that seems to disappear before your very eyes without you even realising till it is over.  I guess it was made quicker by the fact that I had a chest infection and of course we had the usual trip to A & E due to my body not liking the chest infection, but thankfully the team there know us and know the score and we were not kept waiting or made to stay in any longer than I needed to recover.  One good thing did come out of this and that is that we now have our appointment to see the allergy specialist – unfortunately our referral had gone missing so we thought we would be waiting a lot longer.
  I spoke to our GP on Monday about our decision to adopt.  She was over the moon – I guess after shepherding patients through what has been for us a nightmarish journey in infertility, seeing them make the decision to adopt must be a good feeling.  Her reaction made me more sure of myself in our journey – she was more than happy and looked forward to liaising with the VA for medical reports etc.  It seems incredible to think ( well in fact being honest I couldn’t honestly remember if it was last year or the year before) that two years ago we were battling for another round of fertility treatment and feeling like we would never have a family, and yet here we are, day by day more and more excited than ever.
  Today was a first – our VA was holding a family fun day for adoptive families and prospective adopters.  We were the only couple from our group to attend so we were a bit like fish out of water BUT it was amazing.  Neither Jake nor myself are hugely social people – not the kind to walk into a room and instantly  gel with everyone.  I don’t think anyone would refer to us as the life and soul of the party, but that didn’t matter.  The ladies that ran our course last weekend were both there and it seems that no one who works for our VA is afraid to introduce ‘newbies’ like ourselves to adoptive parents and other prospective adopters.  We stood and watched in awe the children running around – honestly if you walked into that room and did not know it was a meet for adoptive parents, well you just wouldn’t know.  I found this comforting – not for us – I am so proud of the fact that we are adopting, but for our future children.  People in general may have stereotypical ideas of what an adoptive child/family might look like or act like but this just proved that they would be so wrong!  
  We spoke at length with an adoptive Dad who just helped Jake realise once again that this is most definitely what he wants.  He was humble, down to earth and 100% in love with his children.  We then spoke with another adoptive Dad – he was there with his 3 children.  Obviously you automatically assume that he and his wife had wanted to adopt three.  It’s been a topic of teasing for Jake this last week after one of the ladies leading the course suggested that we at least apply to be approved for three children instead of two ‘in case’.  It turned out that this man and his wife had only wanted to adopt one child.  But the lady in question was sure they would be right for the three children they did adopt and he explained to us that he would not change it at all and that it was most definitely the right match for them.  We also spoke to an adoptive Mum briefly about adopting slightly older children, as with any decision in life there will be good points and bad points but she couldn’t say enough good things about their life with their children who were 4 and 6 when they were adopted.  
  In short the day gave us an insight in to our future – what is to come, and it also affirmed for us both that this is what we want.  In many ways I wish that we had taken Cali, Rowan and Willow with us as they would have absolutely loved the face painting, running around with lots of other children.  I know that we will most definitely take them in the future as it will be helpful for them to meet other adopted children before their new cousins arrive.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

wow sounds like you actually enjoyed it hun. So pleased you got loads out of it and has made you both think about no3 how amazing to be able to give 3 children a whole new start you really are amazing    I can't believe none of the couples went on the fun day,  I would have done it would be lovely to be able to talk to people openly like that about it all. 

Are you camping with your nieces and nephews or is that part of the volunteering you are doing  Hope you don't mind but might be bombarding you with questions over the next few weeks will PM you rather than doing it on your diary. Can't wait to meet up, once SIL is married on 3rd July we might actually be able to get together.


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## ❣Audrey

Camping is with the nieces and nephew  - if we don't take them on holiday together they wont get one together - in fact it's their first holiday together as siblings so we are rather excited about it!  

Ask away chick!!!  I am so excited for you xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY

aw bless you hun thats really lovely of you both have a wicked time xxx


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## Maccer

Hello Chicky,

Read about your attack and just wanted to send you a  big hug, I hope you are recovering quickly, good luck for the job by the way I am sure you will get it.

Mx


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## ❣Audrey

Thanks Maccer - really must update my diary! xxx


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## Just a girl

Oh poo! Thought this was an update.... you tricked me! Hope you're ok hunny xxx


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## katedoll

Fantastic story Bee Bee - you write so well. Fingers crossed everything works out perfectly for you. x


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## ❣Audrey

Thursday 1st July 2010. 

I have started reading a new book.  The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.  Although by some it could be considered hard going, it is amazing.  It gives a real insight into the mind of an adopted person and really looks into how separation from a birth parent can affect a child of any age.  I do enjoy all this reading and having an excuse to find new material after each book I finish!  Jake too continues to read voraciously on the subject of adoption.

Saturday 3rd July 2010.

I photographed a wedding reception this evening.  The groom was someone I have known a long time.  It is amazing though how once you start to go down the adoption road, you develop sensors which mean you assess situations and look at how children are catered for in them.  This wedding reception was amazing – the photo’s only go to show how much the children enjoyed it – more so than the adults I believe!  It was so centred for them with a bouncy castle and rodeo bull.  I enjoy photography as it is, but watching these children laughing and having such a good time was fantastic!  I later told Gavin our plans to adopt and he was over the moon.  I love the feeling I get when I talk about it.  I no longer dread the question which people ask out of natural curiosity as to when we will have children, because now I have an answer.

Saturday 10th July 2010.

I had a ‘girly day’ with Marian and Emily today.  It was so lovely! We went to Southwold and pottered around the shops – me and Marian eyeing up all the cute little outfits in preparation for Bumble and Ladybugs arrival of course!  In Joules I found the most amazing little handbag which is shaped like a bumblebee and says save the Bees on it!  We then went along to Walberswick and had a swim in the sea and a go in the Dinghy.  I love talking with Marian about adoption – obviously with her being prospective honorary Granny, she gets very excited!  I can’t wait till next year when hopefully we will have our Bumble and Ladybug and Bumble can go off sailing with his Papa and Grampa John while Ladybug scales the shops with Granny Marian and Auntie Emily!

Wednesday 14th July 2010.

We attended our first evening networking meeting today.  We met a couple who were at the family day so it was good to meet them again.  It was also good to meet other couples going through the process and listen to how they are getting on.  We both sat quietly taking everything in.  It probably may have seemed like we weren’t enjoying it but to be honest we just soak up the information!  We ended up borrowing a couple of books which I will no doubt devour shortly!  Unfortunately I had a swelling incident at the end of the evening, but thankfully all is well.  

Monday 19th July 2010.

We had Marian, John and Emily over for dinner this evening and what a fantastic evening it was.  We ended the evening with a walk around the track with the dogs.  It just cemented further for myself and Jake how lucky we are to have John and Marian in our lives, and we ended up chatting again about our support circle and eco-map.  Although sometimes it doesn’t feel like it when I think of how disjointed my family are, we are so lucky – we have John and Marian who have a wealth of parenting experience, Barrie and Sharon who are the same, and Nicki too.  All people that we can turn to on this road, who have lived life for their children and always put themselves second.  Fantastic role models to us as we start out on this journey.

Wednesday 21st July 2010.

So this is it!  Today I finished work, came home and we started packing the car for our camping holiday.  We are taking Cali, Rowan and Willow for a weeks camping.  We’re not travelling far, but I am so so excited – as if you can’t tell!  Lindsey called early evening – it’s been raining on and off and I could hear Will in the background telling Lindsey all about the rainbow.  We talked a bit about what the children needed to bring, I told Lindsey bits and bobs we had planned, and then we went to end the conversation after arranging a time to pick the children up tomorrow.  As I was coming off the phone Wills shouted ‘Love You!’  I melted – of course I love you too followed!

I then rang Danielle to confirm plans for picking Cali up – I didn’t speak to Cali as she had a friend for tea, but Danielle said she is very excited.  

I am excited for the three children to be having a holiday together, to be able to spend time with them having fun and enjoying the sunshine and countryside.  It’s such a massive compliment to be able to take the three children away for a week and have their mothers trust us.  I just keep thinking next year we probably won’t be going on holiday as our children may only just have arrived with us, but in 2012 we will have the most amazing holiday and be doing all of this for our children!

Friday 30th June 2010.

Well we did it!  I won’t even say ‘survived’ a week in a tent with three children because it doesn’t feel like that at all – we really genuinely enjoyed the entire week.  We’re both physically worn out, but then so were the children!  I think we have learnt so much in this week!  It’s amazing catering for 3 little personalities and their needs, and learning how your day changes when you have children.  It’s very different having my nephew and nieces as to what it will be having our own children because our relationship with them will be very different but at least it gave us a good insight in to our future and what we are able to deal with.

For the children it was a fun holiday.  For us it was that but it was also a good lesson.  We learnt a lot.  We learnt about boundaries, behaviour, what it’s like to socialise with children, what children like to do, how different each child is, how to spot genuine behaviour for a child’s manipulative behaviour ( which let’s face it they all do), how children make new friends.  But one thing we learnt, well we knew it already but we learnt it all over again, is that we have 3 gorgeous children already in our lives who are amazing little people.  We learnt that we enjoy their company and cannot wait to bless them with cousins.

Most importantly we learnt that we can do this.  We are ready for our lives to change.

Tuesday 3rd August 2010.

Yay!!!  We got home to an A4 brown envelope which to us could mean only one thing….and it did!  We have been formally invited to apply to adopt!  Yet another step closer to realising our dream for a family!  We’re both over the moon and so excited.  We truly didn’t expect to hear anything until after the summer as we know this is a busy time for social workers, so it was the nicest surprise.

I immediately rang Grammy Marian and of course she was as excited as me if not more!  Gradually over the course of the evening the news has filtered to close friends and Jake’s family and everyone is excited.  

Every time something good happens on this journey we pinch ourselves.  We also sit in awe of all the lovely things people say to us.  My friend B listened to me witter away this evening, asking questions and generally being as excited as I am.  It’s moments like these I treasure so much.  I’ve waited so long for my time and it’s here and I am loving it.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Aw Bee thats lovely really good to hear you had a lovely time and all is going so well on your journey xx


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## ❣Audrey

Monday 9th August 2010.

In just 2 days’ time it will be 14 years since Jake and I first met.  It doesn’t come as a great shock to me then that I am feeling rather introspective.  Looking back over this time, we have been through so much together – growing up, developing our relationship, marriage, infertility and all the rest.  And yet here we are, dare I say it, happier than ever.

Now we’re officially moving forward with our application and adoption plans, changes are taking place in our lives. 

The most strange change for me is that I actually went to see my GP the other day to discuss contraception.  It might seem like nothing to most, but after all these years of trying for our own family, my strength of conviction that adoption is the only way I want my family to grow by, means that although we never achieved a full term pregnancy or had our own biological children, I’m not willing to risk it happening now.  I have grieved the loss of our own children, now I will grieve the fact that I wasn’t able to carry the children I have or prevent them from what they will have been through before they come to us and rather than push all knowledge of their past life under the carpet, I will allow them to grieve their loss too.  We will grieve together, knowing the happiness that will follow.

Change number two is the strength of character I am developing. People may find it hard to deal with at first but this strength is so important for us both and for Bumble and Ladybug.  It means that I am learning to reassess relationships.  After all my children will need to see consistency.  They need to see me as someone who will care for and protect them – I must be able to do this for myself in order to be able to do it for them.  I shock myself regularly lately with how strong I have become.  How I no longer let little things that would have niggled at me bother me, and how I have learnt to put my focus into my husband and my own life and let other things come second.  I do believe this has a lot to do with the new found strength we both have in our relationship, a new closeness.  A second honeymoon period if you will.

One thing I have started this last week is a diet.  It does feel very strange dieting for the want of being fit, healthy and looking good with no deadline – no treatment criteria to meet.  It actually feels easier.  I am setting myself small targets so that by the time Bumble and Ladybug arrive, I will be a fit active Mummy who will be able to run around and play just like she should.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Good Luck with the diet and what a goal a fit happy mummy waiting for bumble and ladybug x


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## ❣Audrey

Aw wow - where did you see them?  And thank you - we are doing well - I have some more diaries bits and bobs to enter so I shall do that later xxx


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## ❣Audrey

Oh my!!! Now I cannot just NOT buy them! They are gorgeous!!!  xxx


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## Wraakgodin

Just came across this thread.  I hope the process goes smoothly and Bumble and Ladybug will soon be home!

It is interesting for me to read your journey as I know what DH and his ex went though adopting 3 siblings from Eastern Europe.  

Sue


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## katedoll

Hiya
I wondered how you are doing and how life is treating you in your search for bumble and ladybug.
Hope all is well.
Lots of love. x


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