# Who to tell



## orange73 (Jan 2, 2014)

Hey guys,

I'm a bit torn and not sure what to do... Some part of me wants to be really open about my our infertility but am scared that once its done you can't take it back!  I'm worried it'll set me back at work as they won't want to promote me if they find out, and don't want to be treated as a special case by people.  But similarly, if people knew about it, people at work and friends would not ask when we're to hear the pit a pat of tiny feet, which drives me crazy and it might be nice to not always have to keep it 'hidden', which is a really hard side of infertility.

I just wanted to know from experience how people have dealt with this side of things and if they felt it has been detrimental at all or in fact helped with dealing with it.....

Cheers ladies 

O x


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## charden79 (Dec 28, 2013)

hi o, i chose not to tell people i work with about my infertility i think because i dont want to be seen differently not that is should make a difference to my work its just personal to me. i like the fact nobody knows because i dont have to talk about it i can almost escape for a few hours. good luck xx


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## mrsmcb (May 12, 2011)

I was sick of hearing 'it will be your turn next' , i got more and more upset the more people kept asking me when we would be starting a family. I wrote a blog and then shared it with everyone to read - glad i did (most days anyway!) as I have had some amazing support and now i believe infertility is a bit of a stigma, people are scared to talk about it but at the end of the day it is a medical condition and we should be talking about it, people shouldnt be afraid to talk about it. It will help people understand so much more  xx


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## Cazne (Jul 19, 2009)

Hi orange73,

There's no right answer to this question unfortunately.  I'm happy to share my experience though.

Workwise, we just told the people who needed to know so that we could get time off for appointments etc.  Both my and my DH's work were brilliant.  If they pass you over for promotion at work because you are having fertility treatment I think that would be grounds for a discrimination case!

Friends and family wise, it's going to be different for everyone but my advice is that you need to tell enough people so that you have a good support network and you don't feel isolated but not so many that you feel as though the whole world knows your business.  Fertility treatment is invasive and public enough without well meant but ultimately pressure inducing enquiries on your progress from all and sundry!  

It also depends on what kind of person you are.  My DH and I are quite private people, we don't wear our hearts on our sleeves and we don't like to share details of our marriage/private life with others.  But some people get a lot of support from sharing experiences and there's nothing wrong with that.

The other thing I'd say is that people who don't have fertility problems are blissfully ignorant of the intricacies of infertility and fertility treatment.  Especially if they've had children.  They think it qualifies them as a world expert on how to get pregnant.  They will ask daft questions and make ridiculous comments because of their ignorance.  In my experience, it's generally well intended and most people are not malicious.  Nevertheless, it can be difficult to deal with and is something you need to take into account when deciding who to tell.  

My final point is about this fabulous Fertility Friends site.  It kept me sane throughout all our treatments and it still does.  It's a wonderful network of people who really know what infertility means and who really understand what you are going through because they've been there too.

hope this helps a bit

Cazne xxx


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Hi,

Only 2 of my friends knew because we are best friends and teachers at the same school.  Plus,  they were facing IF,  so we shared the info. However,  I have to be honest and say that after 4 years of failures, I got fed up with the overall issue and almost stopped talking about it.

I didn't tell anyone at work until 3 years have passed. Then I talked to the school principal, but withno ddetails. 

I think such stuff should be kept private. People have become mean and wicked. There's a lot of support from this forum that I personally don't need more.


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## pigsy (Jan 5, 2012)

I am a very private person so we didn't tell anyone until our second ivf attempt.  We then only told close family.  This try I had to tell work as I was having bleeding and being signed off. My 60 year old manager in his last week before retirement told me he had guessed we were having problems.  I have had to tell a few more people and I work in HR so people saw my sick note.  The support from my new manager and colleagues has been tremendous.  Things aren't going well as I have had ny 12 week scan and had to have cvs due to chromosomes being recognised.  I am waiting on results but friends and family and work have been a huge area of support. I don't regret the times I didn't tell but with the amount of attempts I have had I was running out of excuses. It was a bit of a relief for me any way. 
But there is no right or wrong way. It just had to be right for you


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Orange73

This decision is a really big one and the answer is different for everybody!

I can only tell you about my decision, my three best friends all had babies in the last 2 years while we have been trying to conceive and going through treatment.

I found each new "happy announcement" harder than the last and found it hard to keep up the mask of being ecstatic when facing my own pain.

I had been friends with these girls for 15 years and we know each other so well! I started to think that perhaps they would think it was sour grapes on my part because my DH wasn't ready or something silly so I was honest with them, I also faced redundancy and cancer all at the same time and they were all shocked that I hadn't reached out to them already.

They have all been supportive although they don't always get what we are going through and can be a bit crass at times, with silly platitudes, but their hearts are in the right place!

I also told another old uni friend who is single and doesn't have kids, I needed somebody who I could talk to who didn't have the one thing I desperately want! we confided in each other about things that we were suffering through and have helped each other so much! it has shown me what an amazing friend she is and she never says silly things like dont worry it will happen or go on holiday relax etc!

My Boss knows but not my other colleagues.

Our families know but the only people we actually tell about treatment cycles now are my parents, with two dogs and a DH that travels for work we need a support network in place to catch me if I fall, when we got our first BFN it was my parents that put me back on my feet as DH had to unavoidably go abroad for work for a week!

You have to balance the need for privacy and secrecy with the need for support, help and understanding you simply cannot underestimate how important this is, treatment is hard and if you have friends and family that will support you it might help you!

I hope that this helps!

Pudding
x


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## orange73 (Jan 2, 2014)

Thanks ladies. 

I work with an airline, and whenever anyone's in the office, it's due to them being pregnant (cabin crew), and I can't help but feel excited for them, but also such a heavy feeling of sadness inside.  Some days I'm fine and all is well.  Others, its just so hard, but you don't want to be self wallowing... DH doesn't like talking about it at all anymore as our issue is mostly MF and with a pregnant sister and pregnant best mate its quite unrelenting.

Thanks for all your help regarding talking to people about it...  It's definitely a hard one.  All your advice has been greatly appreciated and its nice that people take the time to help and listen.

Orange x


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## aRainbow (Oct 24, 2013)

Hi Orange, totally get where you are coming from when you say that you can't take it back once you have said it! 

I work at a few clinics and have three different managers. I have told one manager because she is lovely and understanding. I know if I ever needed the time off she would give it to me. Another boss is lovely but i'm not that close to her but I suppose if I did need the time off then I feel like I could tell her. Another boss is horrendous. We do not get on at all and I only speak to her if I absolutely have to so I haven't told her because I don't want her knowing any of my business, plus I think she would use it against me. 

A few of the girls in work know and they are really supportive. One girls just announced her pregnancy last week and she's been saying to me "you'll have to get pregnant now so we can be pregnant together!". She knows i'm having treatment. I'm really happy and excited for her...and just wish I could join her! xxx


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Orange - It's so difficult deciding what to do isn't it    Close friends and family are aware we need ICSI to even have a chance of conceiving and last time we told people when we were cycling, this cycle however we've only told parents and my sister as I just found it too hard being under the microscope constantly.

 Good Luck  

Dory
xxx


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## Tick (May 2, 2011)

Hi Orange, 

It is such a difficult question as everyone says.  From my experience though if you do decide to tell people, be prepared to be surprised.  I had cases where people I expected to be sympathetic be completely rubbish in reaction - one friend said "have you thought about going to see a doctor" when telling her about the infertility in the first place.  I managed not to be sarcastic back, and decided not to tell her details of treatment.  I had a boss at work whom I expected to be quite difficult to tell, but he needed to know to explain time off and he was absolutely fantastic about it.  He was interested without being pushy and sympathetic and practical with fitting treatment and work together.

In general I probably told more people than many, because I hate the fact that infertility is such a taboo subject that people don't understand.  The more understanding people have the easier it will be for us having to deal with it.  

Whichever way you go - good luck with it, and good luck with the treatment also.


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## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

Hi, I've told quite a lot of people (friends & family) and found it was a weight off having told people as I don't feel on edge wondering if they are going to ask when we are having kids or parading their babiess in front of me. I'm v lucky though that everyone has been really sensitive and understanding. I've had to explain what IVF involves to a few people who thought it was quite straightforward but once I told them they were really supportive, I think to be honest if it was the other way round I would have been the same, I mean why would you know what IVF is like if you don't need it - before we started trying I never used to think about it, I had no idea how many people go through it and how utterly heartbreaking it can be. It's a personal choice but for me it's really helped not having to keep it all a big secret, but I'm a very open person, not good at hiding things! Whatever you decide we are all here for you xxx


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## Josina (Mar 1, 2013)

Hi
We told immediate family the whole story, and a few close friends, so that we had a very good support base. Then after another year of failures I decided to tell more people part of the story. DH agreed but didn't want it publicly known that we used donor. So I wrote an email to all my girl friends and a few cousins, explaining our struggle of infertility, the understanding I needed from them and support. I also attached the web link to the Resolve website article called "Infertility Etiquette". It is a brilliant piece that really said it all for me. The responses I got were overwhelmingly warm messages of love and support, and all of them said how brave I was to write it, and how much my trust in them was appreciated. It was truly wonderful though I cried through each reply. Not only did it help me to write down my feelings, it helped them all to understand and be more considerate. I would really recommend that. Funnily enough I felt so much better after letting it all out, that I needed to talk about it less and the background general support was enough. Plus of course all my friends on ff


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## oldmamagoodmama (May 1, 2014)

if i had to go through the same torture of several years of infertility, 
i would tell it to even fewer people then the last time...

like you've said it yourself - once it is out, there is no way back. and it WILL change the way the people will treat you, which is neither good or bad, 
everyone acts out of his/her little perspective and based on the information which is given...

good luck whatever you decide to do


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