# Two windows and one mirror!



## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

I have two windows in my kitchen..
One I can see people....lucky people walking their children to school in the morning.
I've lived here long enough to have seen some of the children in prams being pushed by the lucky parents taking the older child to school..
And then in what seems like the blink of an eye the baby in the pram is now toddling alongside another pram with another baby in it again taking the elder one to school.
Selfishly I often think..
" I only want one...why do they have so many?...they don't work...where the kids wanted or just a drunken fumble?"
I see them all year round...celebrating all the events the year unfolds....
Dressed up for Halloween....Clutching pictures they've drawn for Mummy....Christmas with their excited little faces.
I also hear the parents shouting at them for no need....just cos they're not walking fast enough and don't keep up.
I feel like shouting...."Just wait for him!!...open your arms and encourage him....don't you know how lucky you are?!"
Then I look to my other window....
It faces my garden....it's not special....there's no flowers or pretty borders....I've never seen the point...it's just a garden.
But when I look hard enough I see a child...my child...playing in a pretty garden....playing with the dog...stroking the cats.....and me smiling when I hear the words "Mummy"...
That's my favourite window....my window of hope..
Then I come in to my living room and I look in the mirror above the fire and I see me....
I'm older from the first time I was pregnant....I have lines and sadness in my face..
I look at myself and think...
"Why?...what did I do that made this happen?...stop kidding yourself and just give up"
The tears fall and are so cold on my cheeks...
I do the usual big breath in and try to snap out of it..
Put the fake smile on and attempt to face the day....
But my smile is slipping....I can't pretend anymore...I don't have much fight left in me..
One more go....that is truly all I can do...
Then that's the end.
No children.
No relationship.
No me.
No point...xx


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## Chrissy Lou (Jun 29, 2014)

Oh my sweet Jenni, this is so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes.

You deserve this happiness and it will happen for you hun, sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes  

xxx


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## Amy76 (May 14, 2014)

Jenni sending you lots of hugs lovely xxx


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## Cheesy (Jul 4, 2012)

Jenni love, just sending hugs and crossed fingers and love for the 10th xxx


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## ScaryButExciting (Jan 29, 2015)

Beautiful, sad and so recognisable... Lots of hugs and positive vibes coming your way... X


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Am praying that you get to have your window of hope become your window of reality  
xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Thank you all for saying such lovely things


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## Bahhumbug (Nov 30, 2014)

Truly the most poignant and 'beautiful' way ive ever heard the inexplicable unfairness of this ever put. You sincerely deserve happiness and i will be thinking of you tomorrow, the 10th
X


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## Argybargy (Mar 18, 2015)

So well put and definately struck a chord with me... Sending lots of positive thoughts your way for tomorrow xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

So today is OTD and it's "Negative" 
I'm gutted but I also know that I'm lucky to have two frosties to go and rescue..
So I shall wait to hear back from the clinic and look at the protocol and figure out finances etc...

Thankyou all for your kind words and words of encouragement 
I believe we are all inspirational women who deserve happiness..
We are just unlucky because we have to try that extra bit harder...

One last go now...."Mission Frostie!"


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## Bahhumbug (Nov 30, 2014)

I am sorry to read this.
Mission Frostie go go go x x


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## mattysmrs (Jul 7, 2013)

Jenni, this is such a poignant post I actually love it. It brought me to tears as you have described me to a T!! I'm so sorry for your bfn. I'm hoping you find the strength for your Frosties. Wishing you all the luck in the world xxx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Mattysmrs:: Aw I'm glad you liked it!!...it is actually my house!!
It's what I see daily so not made up!!...unfortunately!
I'm going on the "Frostie Mission" in the New Year but not sure when as yet....sooner the better!
I wish you love and luck in your journey too hun   

Bahhumbug::: Thanks hun


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## zossie (Jan 23, 2011)

Those are beautiful words, had me blubbering. We had our most recent bfn today and as drained and exhausted as I feel I'm not ready to give up, but I need to be realistic about where we go from here. You are lucky to have your frosties and I wish you all the luck in the world with them. When you get your bfp send some of that luck back to me. X


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Aw Zossie I'm so sorry hunny  
It truly is a cruel journey and it tests us to the max...
But you stay strong and regain your strength 
Don't give up the fight your's and my time will come


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

I'm really sorry your hurting so much    I know I cant make things better but I'm really touched by you post. 

I also have a window I stare out of, I see mums, small children and prams, I'm surrounded by nursery's and primary schools where I live. I have a mirror above my fire that I look into and see my face growing old and I ask myself why is this happening to me and why cant I just be blessed with 1 baby, its not much to ask for is it, it feels so unfair, so cruel etc and when going threw all this were crushed with pg announcements, even my sister managed to have a baby at 42 and that was by accident, 1 night forgetting to use contraception and my niece is now 1 year old and here I am not even getting off the start block  

I did read about you on the ED cycle's thread, I'm really sorry your treatment didn't work this time round but you hear this happening to lots of ladies then success strikes on the frostie mission, its certainly not over for you. Success rates with DE are so high, you have a really good chance with your next embryo transfer, fingers crossed.

I only wish I had been made aware of age infertility, if I had done I would have acted much sooner and not gotten myself into this situation. People told me I would easily manage to have a baby at 40 but sadly this is not the case if you have low reserves. People need to be educated on fertility, this is the thing that makes me very angry. We live in a world where the public think its easy to conceive.

I'm starting the ED process next month and going to IVI Alicante Spain for treatment.

Good-luck and stay strong Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Victoria::: Aw sweetheart  
So you have the same scenario at your window too.....I think there's many of us unfortunately....
Please don't beat yourself up about age bracket and fertility hun....it's not your fault and if you want to think of it in another way there are so many more options now and help out there..
If you have a strong relationship hun you can conquer everything..

One of my friends has just got her BFP from the clinic you're going to.....and I know that they have really good results...
Thank you for your kind words about the frosties 
I think it will be May that I go over.....I have told my DH that I may not come back!!....but he's trying to redeem his recent "acts!"....

You stay strong darlin.....and feel free to pm me if I can help or if you want a rant or just a natter!!


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

Thank you so much your so lovely.

Think I've had a tougher weekend because my AF arrived, its just another big fat reminder that I'm infertile  

DP and I are starting to feel the pressure of treatment starting next month and he's traveling solo to Spain on Wed to do his sample, he suffers with ED so its not always easy for him to do this. Maybe I should have gone with him for travel company but its too late for me to arrange to go now. 

I am extremely grateful there are ladies donating eggs to us otherwise our dream would be well and truly over, I don't even think those people donating could understand how truly thankful we are. It a bonus getting frostie's, I was told the chances are 50/50. Its a lot of money if we have to start all over again.

I choose IVI because it was paired with my clinic in Aberdeen, it has very high success rates, it was recommended, frozen suits us better with the flights so convenience as well and they have a large donor base for getting good matches. I didn't want to egg share for fear it reduced our chances. 

Was that your husband that stormed out the house one night? I remember reading that. It certainly does put a lot of pressure on a couple. My DP has a lot of patience with me otherwise we may have been over. It cant be easy for him putting up with me on my bad days and seeing me crying. I hope you and your husband can get threw this together. 

Did your friend use the frozen egg bank? 

Take all the time you need to heal before your frostie mission   Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Victoria::: Morning hun 
Firstly let me say sorry as I've noticed how much I say "Aw"... 

Anyway....
I'm not sure if she used frozen tbh....but I think the advancement of freezing is far better than it used to be so I don't really think it makes much difference..
We considered using frozen eggs cos of convenience like you but ended up doing fresh but you know how that worked out!!

Wish your hubby well from me for Wednesday 
He'll be fine hun....the rooms are normally relaxing and he can "take his time!" 

Yes my fella is the arxehole that walked out the other day 
His attitude is very selfish and childish and although he's said sorry I can't forgive him for what he said...
But we shall see what the future holds! 

Have you joined a thread?....they can be a great means of support when you're doing your tx..
I honestly don't know how I would've got through everything without my friends on here...

Anyway I'm waffling!!
Have a good day sweetheart


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

How's your day going? I hope your OK  

We were told there's no difference between fresh vs frozen, they have excellent freezing techniques and your hearing about egg freezing all the time now. I think a lot of people will now freeze eggs to further there fertility giving there is more awareness to age fertility now. 

My poor DP has a long trip to the clinic 3 buses before he get's to the airport, it's not so handy living so far up north with no decent airport close by. What a long boring trip its going to be for him, feel bad I'm not going now. He said he will be OK and we can keep in touch with our mobiles. Thank you for the well wishes, I have all faith in him LOL.

I hope in time you can work things out with your DH, men cant possibly understand what its like for us, we really are from different planets. I'm thinking on buying a bright orange T-shirt with the logo "ITS NOT ME ITS THE DRUGS" I could wear it during treatment on my off days  

I did think I will join a cycle thread but thought I better wait until I get started on treatment, I'm sure a new thread will pop up soon. No way could I get threw all this without chat with FF, I dont think I would even have gotten this far without this website, its a blessing to say the least  

Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Hi Victoria 

How did your fella get on?.....Is he home safe and sound now?
You're right about the freezing process it has advanced so much and there's no difference....I mean people adopt frozen embryos and that works so it speaks volumes!!
I read on the net the other day about a man who's sperm was frozen for 21yrs cos of medical reasons and then he met his partner later in life and they used that sperm and it worked!!

You should join a thread when one pops up that suits you....there will be a DE one for when you're cycling so that will help you loads..
But like I said if I can help in anyway just give me a shout!!

Your T-shirt idea I think has been said by many of us in the past!!..."I'm not fat it's the hormones!"....."If you think I look mad now I dare you to ask me a question!".....the list is endless 

I just take one day at a time with DH now tbh....we have some other stuff going on at the moment with his work and his family so it's quite a tense atmosphere!!

So do you have all your drugs organised?....what is your protocol with dates etc?
Have a good day hun..xx


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

My DP is still in Spain and wont be home until tomorrow night, his mission is complete and hes now on the cold beers  

He spent 6hrs in 3 buses yesterday (boring) arrived in Glasgow for over night stay then early flight this morning and straight to the clinic. He sent me a video of the Hotel hes in, wow it looks fab and was recommended by FF. We will stay there when we go back for transfer, I'm looking forward to my mini break now.

No way I didn't know sperm could been kept frozen all that time, that's crazy isn't it  

I don't have my protocol yet but have the drugs in my cupboard, progynova 2mg & cyclogest 400mg. I didn't plan this at a very good time because of clinics being closed over festive and the fact there's very little flights in Dec & Jan so have to plan transfer for the 1st week of Feb, otherwise I could have got going sooner. The mcs I had this year also held things up, we had to get tests done for recurrent mcs, it was best to rule out anything that may be underlying when your spending so much money on treatment. It really is a lot of planning but hopefully it will all be worth it.

Where did you go for DE? and how many embryos did you transfer?

I'm noticing a lot of Xmas trees going up   looks really bonny Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Morning Victoria!! 
Ooh me and my dirty mind!! 
When you said your hubby did OK and then said he sent you a video I thought OMG!!...then I read on!! 
Aw I'm pleased he did well but what a bummer all that travelling!....but he be home tonight all victorious!!

Have you asked them about giving you steroids??....
There's alot of girls who swear by them and have had them put into their protocols...
They're cheap and your GP may prescribe them but if not just ask your clinic to do it for you..
Also it maybe worth asking about Clexane....it's given to people with a history of mmc's like us..
But it's upto you hun..xx

I went to the Czech Rep to a clinic called Reprofit.....I had two transferred and when I go back I'll have the last two put back in!

Hope you're OK today!


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

I'm splitting my sides we your message  

I read back my one and totally understand how your mind went off track a second, hee hee I can assure you the video was the lovely marina and hotel nothing dirty  

I've just had a text from my Auntie, asking if my DP was in Spain and hes not even off the plane. She said shes going to ask her DP to take my DP up the road, that will save him a repeat of long boring bus runs. I'm hoping my Auntie doesn't question me about this, she is aware we have been going threw infertility and mcs but she's not stupid. I'm worried she might say to my family that my DP was in Spain, everyone is going to get suspicious. I must admit I do like having this HUGE SECRET its fun  

What does the steroids do? The only thing I have been given is daily asprin. They did all the tests and all came back clear, they just blamed my eggs for the mcs. 

I read about that clinic they have excellent reputation, so likely just bad luck you embies didn't plant argh so frustrating that happening but dont give up ice babies are waiting for you  

Have a nice day Jenni Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Hey Victoria!!
Well I'm glad you saw the funny side!! 
Easy mistake to make hun!!
When we went over to the clinic I needed the loo so I asked where it was and all I picked up was "left"....so I went through the door and took a left and went into the nearest room...
It was one of the rooms where the men do their "thing!" 
Thankfully it was empty but I then ended up in the mens toilet!!  
Ah well never mind!!

So have you not told anyone that you're doing DE then?
It's a personal thing....I've told people about the IVF but only a few people know about it being Donor..

The steroids are meant to aid with implantation....
The Clexane is a blood thinner that also helps people that have had mc's...
My clinic have said for me to have an endo scratch done and then my drugs protocol is
10mg Oestrogen
800mg Progesterone
8mg Steroids
Clexane injection once a day..

I think we all compare our protocols cos we all want the best chance of it working but I'd ask them about the steroids hun..
One good thing about FF is that you have lots of people that have spent thousands giving you free advice!!
We're on a tight budget but that's nothing new!!

Have you had your donors details yet?
Hope you're having a good day


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Ha ha that is funny, you sound a bit like me, I often walk into the male toilets......not deliberate though 

Only my mum and oldest sister knows, were trying to keep it very quiet at this early stages. I did tell few people I did IVF before but that was after I'd been threw it. I find it too much people knowing, it's such personnel thing.

My poor DH is still stuck in Glasgow waiting for a bus, I told him to hitch a lift from my Aunties DP but he couldn't see him when he got off the plane, he must have shot off real quick. I'm going to drive tonight and pick him up that way he can avoid a 3rd bus. He will be so glad to get home, going to make him his favorite curry that will cheer him up. 

I haven't been given any donor details yet, I don't think they reveal much until after the transfer and not sure about my protocol yet. I will need to ask about those extra drugs, I didn't know steroids helped with implantation.

I'm looking forward to seeing my OH tonight  

Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Morning 
Oh no your poor fella!!....I hope you managed to pick him up before he was too traumatised! 
At least you made him his fav tea for when he got in!

I don't mind people knowing about the IVF cos it tends to shut people up when they're asking if I have kids!
But the DE is a private matter..xx

I should think that as you're using frozen eggs you'll be able to get your donors details quite soon if you asked them...
I found out about 3 wks before we went over but that was for fresh...
But I should imagine it's the same!

Ahh you're accident prone like me!!....I'm such a clutz!!....I walk into walls....trip over stuff....the list goes on!
So I gather that you live in Scotland.....where abouts?
I'm originally from Liverpool but the we emigrated to North Wales like most Scousers but we moved to Scotland when I was a kid with my Dad's job (Auchterarder)..
Now I live near Newcastle...

Anywho I hope you and your DH have a nice weekend!!


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

I live in the North East Scotland, Aberdeenshire, right on the corner, a small fishing town. Our fishing industry isn't how it used to be and a lot of people went into the oil but that's taken a huge dive at the moment. It can get rather cold up here and we get plenty rain, I'm born and bread here, never lived anywhere else, it's very friendly and everyone speaks to you. 

I love the scouse accent and not bad at it myself   I used to work with scousers when I was offshore. Worked with plenty Gordie's as well,  Newcastle is such a buzzing place, plenty people go there for hen party weekends.

My DP is sparked out on the sofa after a day at the footie and a few too many beers, no conversation from him tonight so away to watch the Jungle and see what crazy Lady C is up too!

Do you have any nice plans this weekend? Quiet one for me Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Morning Victoria 
Hope you had a good weekend .....even though you said you where having a quiet one!!
Has your DP recovered...bless him! 

It sounds nice where you live....quiet and pretty I imagine..
It used to be steel works where I live now but thats all gone now along with jobs...
It's a nice area but there are people struggling..

Oh you do a Scouse accent!...let me guess "calm down calm down!" 
I don't really have an accent tbh....my family do a bit but I've moved about a bit so mines kind of "blah!"....unless I have a drink!! 
My fella has an accent though!!

My weekend was boring hun....I had a drink but thats it!!

Anways....hope you're OK!!


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

I'm doing good thanks, been keeping busy getting organized for Xmas. Cards done, parcels almost done and Turkey ordered.

Not too much longer to wait for treatment to start, we can go on Dec period so kind of wishing the days away.

My DP is fine and pleased he got that over with. I was thinking on e-mailing the clinic to find out if his sample is OK, he does have poor morphology. We are both going away this weekend down to Glasgow to see a music concert and over night stay so looking forward to some fun time and wine   It is quiet where we live, not much to do here but we have a gorgeous beach, just a pity we don't get the weather.

I hope your doing OK. Any plans for the weekend?  

Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Morning Victoria!!
Wow you're very organised!!....sounds like you nearly have Christmas all " wrapped" up!!.. 

The concert sounds like fun!!.....and your fella defo deserves to have some wine and laughs as do you!

We're in December now!!....so know wonder you're on countdown!!..
I had a ticker on my phone last time!

No plans here for the weekend....it's my fellas b'day on Sat but I'm at work!

Hope you're well


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

I landed up not going away for the weekend, my DP has gone without me, there was a group of us going, I'm feeling so terrible for not going now. My DP had paid for train tickets, hotel and concert!

I'm just feeling really sad being trapping in the world of infertility and I don't think my DP can understand me. Everybody was getting super excited about the weekend and I couldn't and now I feel like I'm not a normal person. Its really hard seeing others so happy when you can only get an OK day and never no where near that level of happiness. X-mas is a difficult time as well when were supposed to be buzzing. I just felt so down and couldn't get into the spirit of enjoyment  

I know I'm still carrying grief on my shoulders with the mcs and with treatment coming up its the only thing that's keeping me going so its going to be a massive fall if it doesn't work. Sorry for being a debbie downer but its so hard some days. 

How are you today? Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Hey Victoria!!
Aw god hun I'm sorry you're struggling 
It's totally understandable and I'm sure your fella understands why you chose to stay home...xx
The loss of a child or a failed IVF treatment is so very horrible....you don't only lose a baby but you lose hope and you grieve not only for the obvious loss but also for the dreams that you had that revolved around the baby..
Birthdays...Christmas...holidays...everything..
It's OK to be sad....how can you not be!!
But just don't beat yourself up...be kind to yourself....your so close to starting your treatment again and that will be both worrying and exciting you...
But you're nearly there Victoria....stay strong   

Ah don't worry about me!!...I'm just at work and faking happy as good as I can!!


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## RB76 (Jul 27, 2011)

I meant to post on this thread when I first read it but did not get the chance and then couldn't find it again.

I thought it was beautifully written and it spoke to me on so many levels. Even now in the most wonderful position of being a parent to a beautiful little girl, those feelings and how I felt will be part of me forever, especially with what I went through having our twins at 24 weeks and being seriously ill.

What I will say is that if you can dig deep, and keep trying again, whatever route it may be, it's all worth it to finally become a parent. I was very against DE for a long time and now I am so thankful that I had to take that route or I would otherwise not have my daughter.

I send those of you still struggling strength for the christmas season and hope very much that 2016 brings you your dreams x


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

R876:::: That was a really lovely posting 
Congratulations on your LO and I do hope all is well now 
Thank you  
Merry Christmas to you and your family


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi Jenni,

Thanks for the supportive message, the down days are part of the infertility    I've picked myself up again and DP was fine about me not going, he understood and said weel say no more about it, moved on and redeemed myself by making my home look all Xmassy, big tree in my front room, lights along my window, small tree in my front bedroom window another small tree in my kitchen and waiting for my LED wreath coming in the post so trying my best not to spoil Xmas and I even bought new things for the table for Xmas day so getting into better spirits and hopefully not long now until AF appears. Today I've been for acupuncture and booked 4 sessions for January which should help with the build up to my transfer. Did you have this done? Poor you putting on a brave face at work   I hope your OK!

RB76 - Thanks so much for your kind understanding post with a happy ending. It always gives me such hopes when I hear about others coming out of this the other side   Congratulation on becoming a mummy and Merry Xmas to your family, fingers crossed 2016 is me and Jenni's year  

Xx


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## jenni01 (Oct 15, 2010)

Morning Victoria 
It's understandable that you will have down days hun...
And sometimes when you feel OK something daft can set you off again!!
But try to keep thinking....."It's not the end" 

Hope the weather hasn't affected you too much up there!

Bit busy at the moment but will catch up soon!


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