# Single life for me now...



## little1

Hello Everyone
Its been 5 months since our final IVF which failed again, I have to now accept its over. The last few months I feel like I am on meltdown and have become terribly paranoid and a probably depressed. The paranoia is knowing my partner will leave me eventually. I can never be a happy complete woman now that we have no hope left so today I made the decision to end it because I love him so much I don't think its fair to take away his chance of becoming a father, he complete disagrees with this and is heartbroken as am I.
I just want this gorgeous man to be happy and complete, now we have no hope left its so final and I cant see how we can fix it, but I can fix it for him which is why im letting him go and he will thank me for it in the long run. Im just getting further and further in despair and refuse to let him be dragged down by me. I have always been fairly upbeat about the treatment so this utter despair and sadness has come as a shock to both him and me.
I just don't know what to do now, IVF has always been in our lives and I cant see how we can fill that in without a baby. It never took over our lives and we still saw our friends with babies and children and now I cant see what we will possibly have in common with anyone. The only way I can cope is get away from it all, the thought of another 40 years of sadness fills me with fear and I don't know how to deal with it.
So today I have told him its over, the hardest thing I have ever done I have never loved anyone as much as I love him but don't have the right to take away his right for a family, plus i will make his life a misery by constantly thinking he will leave me anyway so i know in the future he will understand why i have had to do this. Tonight I am booked in a B&B then tomorrow I will make plans to stay at my mums until my flat becomes free to rent. I cant face the questions from my mum who has depression & a drinking problem anyway and this will be an excuse for her to drink and I don't need that just now. I also took the big step of phoning for a councillor appointment - something im not sure I will be able to do but will try!
I do hope all you ladies find your dreams and live your life as happy as you can 
xx


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## Susan01

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but this is a problem for both of you as a couple, not one for you to 'solve' on your own. If you both love each other, then be glad that you have each other. Many of us have accepted that we will not have children, but still have a satisfying life together as a couple. It sounds to me that perhaps both of you should go to see the counsellor, so that you both get chance to say what you think and feel. It never works to second guess what your partner is thinking.


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## little1

Thanks for your reply i dont think it was harsh its just how you feel and i just feel i can live with the guilt of taking this away from him, eventually i would push him away and we will hate each other i already am and i cant help it. So either way its the same ending
Im not second guesing him im just setting him free to chase the dreams he deserves


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## staceysm

Oh Little, I really think you have made the wrong decision and will regret it hugely .

Your DP loves you and that is all that matters.  I always said to my DH that I would rather be with him, with no children, then with someone else and children.  We are a unit and no one is to blame, we face things together.

TTC takes over our life's and despite me getting lucky, I have a friend who has decided to live childless after 6 failed IVF cycles.  

I really think you need counselling together.  Also, would you not consider adoption?

Please don't throw in the towel.  You have been through so much together already.  If your DP having children was more important to him then his relationship with you, then he would have bailed out a long time ago.

I really hope you can sort it out.

Stacey
X


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## Daizymay

Little1 - I totally totally understand your thought process and feelings. Many many times I have suggested to my husband that he should find someone else. We, this weekend, have just had our 6th failed cycle - our last. I too worry about the emptiness that is left by 8years of TTC & IVF ending.
But remember...when you got together it was just the two of you. You loved each other for who you were. You didn't love each other based on the fact you/he would be a parent one day in the future.
Seeing a counsellor is a fantastic and positive step forward - well done you! You must remember that you do not truely know how your partner feels. What you think he feels...is exactly that...a thought which is in your mind. You do not 'know' that your partner will leave you! This is something that you have made up in your head. Men are notoriously bad at talking and sharing their feelings so as women we try to fill in this gap...and more often or not we are wrong! You definately have to work out your own thoughts and feelings to move on in a positive way - the counsellor will help with this. As the other have said...this is not a problem for you to solve alone...you are a unit - a couple. What you view as letting your partner go to have children with someone else could be viewed as taking his right away from him to be with the woman he loves and who he lives with for who she is as a person (not a parent). Would he be heartbroken if he did not want to be with you?
Why do you say 'there is no hope left'? Have you considered donor eggs or adoption. Counselling will help you explore these other avenues and of course the avenue of living positively childfree. My husband and I spent last night listing all the things we can now do which we couldn't do with children...our friends are going to be so jealous!
Infertility is just not talked about enough. You know from this website how many couples there are out there living childfree. There is nothing to stop you both making new friends with those who don't have children and living a perfectly happy life albeit a different one to that you envisaged.
...and yes...you probably do have depression. Go and chat to your GP. An antidepressant can help take the edge of things and allow you to move forward with the help of the counsellor! 
...and finally (I hope i haven't gone on too much)...send a text to your partner now with the link to this thread & the name of the B&B you are staying in. Let him read exactly how you are feeling. Let him help you to get the support you need right now from the counsellor, your GP & strong family members/friends. 
Love Daizymay x


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## Susan01

Great words both of you. And I just wanted to add NEVER make big decisions when you're depressed (I know, I'm just coming up from depression). Things do get better.


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## little1

Thankyou so much for your replies, im just so lost just now and desperately looking to feel at peace again i just dont know where to start. Im really not sure about talking to a counsellor its a bit weird for me to talk to a complete stranger when i cant even talk to my DP or friends but im tired of this rock bottom feeling so will give it my best shot! I just dont want to be known as the 'infertile one' anymore and feel im losing any common ground with my friends (all have babies), a move somewhere where no one knows me and i can be alone without sharing my misery with anyone feels like the only option just now.
DP has been calling today so i have agreed to meet him to talk to him - i forget he has feelings too only because he seems to have accepted it without a care in the world.
I will let you know how everything goes and thankyou so much again
Good luck and bless you all 
xx


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## Daizymay

Well done little1. I'm so glad you are seeing DP. You guys need to talk!!!  
I sooo know what you mean about wanting to run away - I have been there...and have been there with the depression too.
A counsellor will not tell you what to do but help you get out your feelings and move forward in a positive direction. Trust me...it's easier to talk to a counsellor than friends/family/partners. Counsellors are non judgemental and there for you to offload your worries to. Communication is the key to getting through this in one piece, but you've got to get things clear for yourself before things will become clear for you both as a couple.
I highly recommend reading 'men are from mars and women from venus'. This is a brilliant account of how men and women deal with life's stresses in different ways. Men do not talk, they do not spend time thinking about the problem instead they plough their time into solving problems that can be solved (ie working harder at work / diy / sports even). This is a man's way of coping. Coping strategies are needed. It doesn't mean he doesn't care.
Don't forget...you have a huge family here on FF who DO understand and are here to support you. So keep posting when you need to.
Will be sending you positive vibes across the airwaves tonight.
DM x


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## DaisyBunny

Little1....sending you a massive hug   I'm so glad that you're seeing DH, he must be so worried about you and it will give you both a chance to talk. I really think counselling is a good idea; once you get over the initial fear of going it can really help with finding ways forward, sorting out feelings and thinking without everything seeming like such a giant mess. You need time to get over your failed treatments . But don't give up, there is always hope: With time, you and DH could both decide that being together is what you both want the most and if you and DH still want a family together, there are other options. For now though, look after you, don't make huge decisions - one day at a time,  take time to heal, seek help and you can find a way forward together, with a new future, if that's what you both want. Never feel alone though; there are so many of us here on ff that will really understand and support you   xxx


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## Debs

Oh little1  

I started reading the thread and was so sad to read it - but now I see you have arranged to meet dh and I hope that you talk .... and talk ..... and talk!

Both of you are suffering and hurting right now - and now is the time when you need to be together and see how your life could be together- differently to how you both planned - but together  

You married each other because you loved each other - and I think thats still the case today.  You have had to deal with infertility and all the unpleasant things it brings with it - please don't let it destroy something as important as your marriage.

Give your dh a chance to talk to you - get to understand what he wants going forward and then together work out a plan.

It might take weeks and months - but if you don't try then you will never know.  Please don't write of councilling - its not as bad as you think  

I wish you luck and love - especially for seeing him later.

I really do hope you log on later and you're in the house and not in a b&b.

Love

Debs xxx


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## little1

Hello ladies
Well thankyou all so much for your replies. I did go and talk to DP last night and we are quite frustrated with each others views on the end of IVF. His way of thinking is we tried, it didn't work, we forget about it and focus on what we do have not what we don't. He continually said it doesn't matter, I asked him if it doesn't matter why did we go through it all - am I being to picky with him? I'm not sure. You see I don't actually know how much he wants children because he knew I was infertile before we got together and has always said we can have as much or as little treatment as I want because its my body that goes through it and hes happy either way as long as he's with me - but I have always wondered if he had the choice which he would choose instead of choosing what makes me happy
I'm so caught up on the grief of never knowing what it's like to be pregnant, being called mummy, first day at school, being a granny etc I have become obsessed - I almost miss the treatment, I know that sounds crazy because I don't actually want to go through it again I'm just so used to having treatment, it failing then living our lives happily for a few months and getting back on the treatment road now I don't have a plan I don't know how to plan our lives without it, im scared. Adoption or surrogacy has always been a no for both of us it's just our personal choice.
I just feel really like a really ungrateful person when I try to speak to him because he cant understand why im not happy and is insulted because if I love him I should be happy with him and our life. I don't think it's that im unhappy as such but I just want to be at peace again and with the end of the treatment and be able to enjoy life fully without this cloud hanging over.
You are so right Daizymay he does try to fix things because he is a genuinly nice person who feels bad that he cant fix this so is always surprising me with concert tickets or days away and even booked a surprise holiday for next month because he can see I'm sad, then when he does that I feel even sadder that I'm not happier and satisfied with just us because its always just been us. I'm so sorry if that comes across like im a spoilt brat really im not and I do appreciate everything he does, ive just lost my way a bit now.
Soooo anyway apart from me feeling im on the edge of a breakdown  im going to see the counsellor, ive bought the sweet grapes book and he wants to come with me to and im going to try and lose my paranoid thoughts of him leaving me. These feelings are such a shock to both of us because we have never let IVF take over our lives we have always been upbeat about it and of the opinion what will be will be - so its confusing for both of us how we have ended up nearly splitting up.
Sorry for going on so much and thankyou all for being there, its the first time I actually think someone understands and im not the only woman in the world who has to face this. I should have posted here months ago!  
Debs I love your signature and will aspire to feel like that. Daisybunny im sorry your tx didn't work and wish you lots of positive thoughts if you try again. Susan01 thankyou for your honesty. Susan Good luck with your next tx lots of positive thoughts for you.
xxx


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## MandyPandy

I can't possibly read and run...

(EDIT:  I have now seen that you are going to see a counsellor and I believe this is absolutely the right thing to do   I am sure from there you will find the strength to help you to deal with all of this horrible IF rubbish).

Hun you simply cannot do this on your own.  I know you have said you don't want to consider a counsellor but they will help you make sense of it all, get things straight in your head, deal with your grief and help you to move forward.

You are in mourning.  Would you expect someone who has lost someone very close to them to just pull their socks up and  move on?  No, they need to grieve for what is lost, what will never be again, etc., and why would you force yourself to do that alone when help is there for you?  Don't underestimate the impact that infertility has on you.  It has been likened to being told you have cancer, and also to the death of a loved one - except in those cases, there is an end date to focus on and move past.  With infertility, there's no end date.  The grief just goes on and on.  You therefore need to find coping mechanisms to help you deal with it all and you can't do that without looking outside of yourself.  A counsellor will give you those mechanisms, help you to cope and move beyond the pain.

Please, I would urge you with everything I have, go and see a counsellor.  Allow someone in who can help you put things in order in your own head so that you can start to make positive steps forward.

Big, big, big hugs

xxx


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## staceysm

Hi Little,

I am really glad that you managed to have a good chat with your DP.

As for his comments regarding treatment stopping, I think many men are like this.

When we went for a seminar at our Fertility clinic I can remember the comment my DH said to me, as clear as day ' I love you and want to be with you, if you don't want to go through with the treatment, we don't have to.  We will still have a happy life together'.

There is some excellent advice on here, from women who truly understand what you are going through, you definitely need to mourn and grieve.  TTC is all you have ever known.

Enjoy your holiday next month and take care.

X


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## DaisyBunny

Hi Little1  

Just wanted to say that I really know where you are coming from with lots of your thoughts. I too had to give up on IVF treatment with my own eggs and even though my DH was so supportive with the treatments (still is)  I do agree that men can handle and feel things in a different way. We so much feel the dream to be pregnant, to give birth and be a mother.  The pain can hit us hardest.  I know for me that I'd felt for a long time that something was missing; I had a huge hole in my life (grrrr.....still do) and the IVF treatment helped to fill it as it brought hope for what was missing and what I most dreamed of. I think it's right that you need to grieve for what you have lost, a future you envisaged. It also takes an enormous amount of strength, time and acceptance to try and find a path through the down right awfulness of infertility. 

Your DH really does sound lovely and I do so hope that you can find a way through this together; again men can see it so differently to us but it doesn't mean that you won't be able to find a way to be together and understand each other. We're all so different too and even though we can share dreams with those closest to us; how we handle situations, our emotions and thoughts can all be totally different too. 

Lots of luck with the counselling, give it chance and time as well; I think I spent a fair few sessions just crying my eyes out before I started to feel a little better and was able to think slightly more clearly. If you ever need any info and advice on donor egg treatment then just let me know. I used to never think that it would be a possibility as I'd initially been so against it ever being the right way for me. However, a couple of my thoughts changed and I can't say for sure how I totally came around, but I did, with time. It isn't the right path for everybody and you need to heal and look after you for a while but feel free to PM me about anything even if you just want to let of steam! I too have wanted to leave my DH after failed treatments because it has felt like our worlds were so different and after lots and lots and lots of talking we have learnt how to better understand each other. I can still feel it is different for him and when my emotions are starting to take over, I do need to think back to some of our really open discussions and try to understand where he is coming from too. 

Take care xxx


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## hellsbells26

Little1 I completely understand your feelings.  My DH and I buried 4 babies in 18 months. I lost triplet boys at 22 weeks in 2010. In November last I had a,little girl born fullterm who had a fixable undetected heart problem. She caught an infection before we left the hospital and she died aged 19 days. Battling infertility - I'm the one with the problem and watching my DH love, bury and grieve his children nearly killed me. I have begged him so many times to leave me and I have spent so much time fantasising about walking away from him. He is a man of few words too and it has been terribly lonely. I discussed ending my marriage with a wise lady I visit for accupunture. I viewed it as the kindest bravest thing to do. She really shocked me. She gave me such a telling off. She told me that I was insulting him and insulting my babies by considering leaving their father etc.

I don't know what advice to give you. I'd only say your feelings are perfectly normal andnot to be too hasty. You are still grieving. In a few weeks time other plans may become options. I myself had been given very little chance of IVF working - 38 and low AMH. Our babies had been concieved using IUI. I was due to begin IVF at the Lister. If that hadn't worked out I had been reading amazing things about Penny in Serum who seems to pull miracles out of bag when there seems to he no hope. I was also considering donor eggs as I wanted DH to have his babies and I know I'd love them as much as any child biologically mine. 

I have just come back from a 7 week scan after a surprise natural BFP. Whatever the outcome I'm glad I didn't walk.  In the matter of two weeks my whole  life has turned around. This nightmarish journey has had some benefits. I love my husband so completely, I realise that I am so lucky to have a strong, genuine man. You have too.

Hels x x x x


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## little1

Thankyou for your replies DP is going all out to look after me bless him and I can now see how much he is hurting that I am hurting. We had lunch today I asked him if he had the choice would he have chosen to be a dad, he said didn't actually give it any thought until he met me (he had a 10 year relationship before we met as was i) and when alot of our friends started having babies it seemed like the natural thing to do but because it has never been a priority in his life he's happy whatever the outcome. I just need to have faith in him and believe him.
Hells your story has made me feel so humble, you are so brave and I sincerely wish your baby to be born healthy and you and your DH get the dream you so deserve.
xx


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## Debs

Little1 - I am delighted that you have both talked - in the space of a day you achieved so much eg seeing a councillor, speaking to dh, understanding his grief and thats just off the top of my head  

You mentioned my signature - which I went back and read ....... and when I did Im not sure if it comes across like I didnt struggle when I finally realised exactly what the future held (or didnt)    It took time believe me    Sadly for us on this board there is no magic wand and we have to work through our feelings, emotional state, work out our next steps and deal with a whole host of other issues/feelings/wants and needs before we can arrive at a time where whilst we will never forget - we learn to live differently   

The reason my status is as it is - is because last year in the space of 3 months I lost 3 friends who were a similar age to me - all unexpected    It finally made me realise that I dont know what tomorrow brings let alone next year or ten years time - but whilst im here I can either let IF win and keep me sad or I can try and turn my life around enjoy what and who I do have around me.

Its not easy and it does take time and patience but believe me sweetheart that life can be good again - somehow someway it can be -and your dh wants to be with you to hold your hand along the way and for you to hold his hand too.

I really really hope you can work things out.

love

Debs xxx


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## Daizymay

Oh wow....so much really good stuff has been posted above Little1. I can totally relate to everything you posted today...my DH sounds much the same as yours. I'm hope that by now you do not feel so alone and are feeling a little stronger in the positive moves you have already made. Mandypandy made a great analogy of how infertility is like grief. For me, I was in a very dark place after our third cycle failed. I spent days on google trying to understand why I felt like I did and then I stumbled on 'infertility&grief'. Despite having an understanding of the stages of grief through the loss of a loved one, I never related it to infertility. This www (http://www.tertia.org/so_close/2004/04/the_cycle_of_gr.html) in particular helped me understand what I was going through and more importantly how we repeatedly go through minigrief cycles with each failed treatment. Getting to the 'acceptance' stage is the key and you are now on that road...and you WILL get there, because you are doing all of the right things and your DP is clearly 100% with you!
Keep posting!
Daizymay x


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## little1

Hi girls,
I will keep posting and let you know how I'm getting on. It does seem like I have achieved so much in a couple of days - it's taken 6 months for the courage to contact a counsellor and speak to my DP I think that's just the way I am it builds up for so long then explodes  I still feel very very sad but the focus is now on getting better. Debs can we not invent a magic wand   , im sorry for all the pain you have gone through but so happy for you to have turned it around and made it a positive impact on your life. Happiness definately comes from within.
Thanks for the link Daizymay i will look at that later tonight after work.
Thankyou all for your help and wishing you lots of smiles and happiness 
xxx


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## luckychance

Hi Little1 

I'm so pleased reading through the posts on here you are managing to work bit by bit through this....

I can relate to your feelings as my DH never thought of having children til we met and married last year and then I felt I opened a can of worms almost by suggesting treatment... We have just had a failed cycle (ive also had 2 from a previous relationship) and it's very tough but every so often you do see glimmers of hope of how life will be and that it will be just fine - in fact very good still - as a couple. I'm not denying its not hard that there may not always be a little piece not there to gel you together further still... And the desire to be a mother is and has to be different and cannot be fulfilled totally from your relationship - although your relationship will give you the comfort and strength you need to work through this.

I'll keep on this thread as id like to see it getting better for you too. 

X


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## tribble

Little 1
I hope so much you two can stay connected and work through this - it isn't going to be easy - but it can be done.

I will tell you something from a different perspective. My DH has a daughter already who is great. All our tests showed that I was fine (if a little ancient!) and his count was extremely low and due to this we had to have icsi not even ivf. Which makes his daughter a very lucky break for all of us to have her here - he told me he had gone for a sperm count test when married, and it was low, but I guess he was younger & they got lucky anyway!).

So - I've married this guy that looked like a good dad, etc but it turns out he can't have children... I am still happily married and I didn't go off and try & find a chance to be a mum with someone else and I will tell you why:
- he is fabulous and the best person for me
- I didn't even seriously want to have children until I was in love with him and then it came out of nowhere
- he has helped me do the icsi's so has done his best (he wanted to have more children with me, but in other ways is appreciative that he already has a daughter so would also have been happy not to - he did it for me)
- most importantly, if the trying to have children came out of our love together, it is too hideous and ironic even that then the relationship goes too - when it was the whole point of the whole thing in the first place.

When we feel vulnerable and ashamed about our failures, we so often push others away.
This really is the wrong time to be making this decision. Couples have tough times, and break-ups are more common when people have a child die, or a child who is ill or disabled, or also when they have young children; or when experiencing infertility like all of us.

My Dh also felt like I would leave him to go find a man who I could have children with, but it didn't even really ever cross my mind, I couldn't be without him. He also felt frustrated like your DH that for a while after failure of tx I did not feel happy and he felt like he was not enough for me... I think they just hate seeing us so unhappy.

I can promise you it will get better - my counsellor said it would take 2 years and I am 1 yr 8 months. Sometimes I feel glad that I didn't have children (hard to say that 'out loud' on this site!) and sometimes I am sad and angry still but it will get better, please do give it some time give yourself some time and the two of you some time Your relationship may not be the same as before, but I actually think it can be stronger for it in the end. Think of all the fun you two can have!!! 

take care xxx


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## little1

Hello ladies and again thankyou for your replies thought i would update this.......not sure how to update the title as its is all change now.
Since i wrote this i went to counselling and have to say to be honest i thought it would be a load of old tosh.....i mean if i cant even talk to my friends about it then why would i talk to a stranger, how wrong i was!! When i got there it all just came flooding out the 13 plus years of shame and hurt just poured from my mouth and i didnt stop   . So with each time i went i felt so much better and she put alot of things into perspective for me and for us.
So much so that we decided ourselves to no longer carry on with treatment, we had been offered 'one more go' and just felt for us it wasnt something we needed to do, we had been through it 5 times already, dont get me wrong we defiantely wanted to do it again but with the assurances it would work   but each time the treatment was worse, the drugs, the recovery and it was harder and harder it changed me as a person and i also had the fear that nature would take the choice from me - i know that might sound weird but i mean in the menopause way (we were never going to go down the donor route), so in order to feel more back in control it was necessary for us to make a decision based on our situation now as i felt i would be much harder to accept if i ended up with the menopause and it would just be another cruel way for mother nature to upset me. Im not sure if anyone will understand this but its just how i felt.
One thing id like to share, when i spoke to my dp about it all and how erratic my behaviour had been he said he felt a little bit hurt because we have lived just the 2 of us for the last 6 years so he couldnt understand why i thought the prospect of living the same way for the rest of our lives was so awful, yes he is devasted by our infertility but still feels very happy that he has me - thats totally not how i meant him to feel but i didnt look at it from his point of view before that.
But....heres the good bit inbetween all this we have become engaged to be married   my poor dp had been planning it for months and there i was trying to leave him and giving him a hard time...little did i know! 
So i feel very blessed now, i still have sad days and i am working through them, the last week has been sadder than i have felt since making the decision but i think its with Christmas coming up it makes it a little harder but slowly we are adjusting to the life we have always led and always will.
So i do hope all you ladies and gents are learning to live your lives and finding some happiness.
Thankyou so much for helping me and listening to me in my hour of need 
Take care and lots of love to you all 
xxx


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## hellsbells26

Little1 congratulations on your engagement. I wish you a long and happy life together. He sounds like an amazing person as do you. Sometimes during the hellish times we don't give our DHs the credit they deserve - I know I don't. I hope continues to get happier and easier for you. X x x

Hels


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