# Why does this have the power to make us feel SO bad ALL THE TIME?



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi girls,

I just wonder why this pain never seems to go away and why it is such a HUGE issue to us when people start talking about babies ?

Why is it so hard to let comments just "go over your head" and not make such a big thing of it?

I was at a "girlie party" last night.  As much as I tried to join in and "forget" about everything, I still find myself cringing and hoping that certain converstaions either dont come up at all = or diffuse very quickly .... its a nightmare.

I could have died off when one girl "jokingly" said - " Oh I'm never having children, I'm a BARREN WASTEGROUND!!" - I couldn't believe it.  I was so conscious of just clamming up and going really quiet.  It was only meant as a flippant, harmless comment but I really took it to heart - I so hate that word - and I couldn't stop thinking about it and it really put me off this girl - who I really liked at first!!

Why is it so hard to switch off?  Do you think once you're in that frame of mind it just gets worse?  the evening seemed to get worse.  In the kitchen, somebody said to me, "see when you have babies, don't breast feed - my boobs are down to the ground!!"  I tried to laugh it off and try starting a converstaion with another girl in the kitchen.  She was talking about working shifts - natrually - I asked her what she did - She was a B***dy midwife!!!

Why, why, why is there no escape?? And why do we feel so cr*p all the time?

It hurts so much ....... I just feel SO out of it all and such a freak.

Sorry for the rant and "me" post but feel better for getting it out.

Anyone else feel the same and feel like just curling up and never going out socially ever again??!!

Thanks for listening my friends,
gill xo


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## MrsBuzby (Apr 10, 2006)

Hi Gill

I know exactly EXACTLY what you mean!!!  I went to the pictures on Wednesday and I swear it was "pregnant women get in for free"  night.  I just thought that going to the pictures - and being in the dark!!! - might help me to feel "safe" from absolutely everything and everyone being stupidly, easily pregnant and worse than that - MOANING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

I dread meeting people I don't know - friends of friends say who are usually around about my age and 9 times out of 10 have children.  I just don't want that "do you have children?" question to come up.  I don't want to have to stop myself screaming at the top of my lungs that "no I don't but I want to have so badly you wouldn't ever believe it".  Worse than that are the people who don't ask the question - then I worry that our mutual friends will have in some way had to "pre-warn" them about me.  Like I'm some sort of loose cannon or basket case.

I really don't know what the answer is but I promise you if i find out, I'll let you know!  In the meantime, I find that earplugs and staying under the duvet is the only surefire way to avoid it and we can't live our lives like that!!  I keep thinking that I'm a stronger person for this struggle but I'd rather be a weaker person and not have to struggle any more!

I'm glad to have joined you in your rant!  A rant shared is a rant doubled!!  

Moom
xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Gill and Moom
So sorry that you are feeling like crap at the moment!!! ...
I never know what is the easiest way of dealing with this IF journey. It has such a powerful influence on our lives and it touches us in ways that is so deep and thats where all the hurt comes from...
When you say about the power of it all that is quite true, its is powerful because it upsets every aspects of our lives. Having babies and children is part of life and so not being apart of that world, then its quite an exclusion....
Also what people take for granted and what they say has an even bigger effect on us, because its just so unfair..We can have a car if we save up for it, we can move house or go on holiday, but the one thing that is not guaranteed is having a baby. I used to think if i try harder and be good then him upstairs is bound to bless me in the end....but unfortunately that is an aspect of our lives that we cannot control. So thats where i think it has that power of us because we cannot control it...
I do however beleive it gets slightly easier with time and we learn to choose the situations we want to be in..The girl who made the comment about being barren is just ignorant and you end up thinking thats just the way it is and of course she is...
However Moom i would hate to go to the cinema where you live....whats that all about?That is quite strange...maybe its about getting to see how many films you can before your life changes drastically
Thinking of you....
love astridxxx


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## salisbury (Jan 6, 2006)

HI girls, 
With you all on this one, its the worse feeling in the world, and no one understands unless your are in the same boat. 
Ive been trying for far to long, and feel now that its time to give up, just can't go on any more like this.
It's taken me months to get this far ( down the give up path) but feel it right for me.

So Monday i go to GP to tell her and to get some think for my PCOS, as i can start treating that, now I've finished with IUI's ,

GET this i walk in and its full and i mean *full* of Pregnant women,     i sat there on the edge of crying, life is soooooo cruel

Don't know how your suppose to get through it but there must be away for all of us, I'm trying hard every day to find some think in my life that adds up to having a baby.. Will I find it  who knows, but there has got to be an end to this feeling.

Sending you all lots of love  and best of luck with your treatment 
Lisa x x x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi gill and the others, sorry your nite out was such a disaster. I now choose who to go out with depending on their situation! I stick to friends who are single or my work colleagues who all have either teenagers/older kids and moan about them rather than go on about babies!!

My friend (who i would call my closest) is coming down for lunch today as we are on exam week in school with her little girl(nearly 3) but i can cope with that as my friend had cancer at 28 and couldnt have children. This little girl is a surrogate baby.They are hoping to have another but its proving difficult but i know if they did it wouldnt bother me as much because i know she still yearns to be pg and never will be.So i can identify with her.

We had another christening to go to at the weekend but for once it was dh who decided we werent going!!!  Last year during treatment we had 2 to go to(both dh's nieces babies for gods sake!!) and he went to both(one with my stepdaughter) but i couldnt go to any. The christening this year is the SAME girl with another bloody baby!!! Dh decided we had enough on our plate(we are going thru a lot of crap with sd's mother ) and i was so glad he made the decision.I dont even know this bloody girl- met her once at our wedding!!! The other niece is pg again too and i am definitely not going to that- dont like her anyway!!! 

My sil and bil(who also went thru icsi) didnt go either and were away for the weekend - i am sure they couldnt face another one either. Mil said they had planned the weekend for ages, but i dont think so.Awful we have to do these things!!! We said our sd was doing her gcse maths exam the next day which was true! And we couldnt do 100 mile round trip when she had to study!!!

Take care Gill.Maybe the next time just dont go. Who cares if they are offended! If they were true friends they would understand!! xxxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Just dropping in quickly as I should be revising (will these exams never end)

Sending big hugs to Gill especially, and to everyone who has posted here. I am with you all the way. i never go to christenings anymore, in fact, I don;t think people even invite us anymore...which makes me feel really weird and even more left out (no pleasing some people!) . I'm not sure whether I'm going to go to my lovely nephews first holy communion, because there'll be so many babies there, and I haven't seen so many of my friends for ages because we can't face meeting their babies, or as Gill says, tensing up at the constant motherhood conversations. I'm turning into a hermit.

My cousin (who I love to bits, we grew up really close) his wife is having a C-section next Thursday. I realised this week how angry and miserable I feel about it. Its baby number 2, and as usual we were TTC before them. I have been avoiding them during these 9 months and I hate myself for it. Luckily we go on holiday a week after its born so I'm hoping to avoid having to see this tiny weeny new baby, but I feel really mean doing it. 

On the subject of people not getting it, you are so right. My aunty and my cousin's solution is that I should be brave and go and see it as soon as possible and then I'll feel better because it wont be as scary as I think or hanging over me anymore....ERM......HELLO?   
They don't seem to understand that the pain of IF doesn't go away just because you've stopped having tx. Its ongoing, and seeing the baby won't make me feel better. It will make me feel worse...you might as well pour vinegar and lemon and chillies into an open wound...it would be less b****dy painful.

People seem to have expected us to move on because we've stopped tx.


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Do you think that the pain does get better with time? Sometimes it feels like this knife never stops twisting in my heart.
Feeling like a MAJOR moaner and ***** as our bil and sil (dh's brother) are expecting thier first baby soon. They are the 'golden couple' of the family whom everyone adores. I feel such a selfish cow as I can't even bring myself to ask about them when on the phone to my mil. I know it's not the way to cope with things, but I can only preserve my sanity by sticking my head in the sand. I suppose I make things worse by not discussing things with my mil as she says things like she 'understands', which pisses me off as she fell pregnant to all four of her children easily, and there is no possible way that she will EVER know how I feel.  I guess I've been a little too sensitive about things as my sil promised me that she'd let me know when she was pregnant and I took her for her word, when in fact her dh phoned my dh. Am I being unreasonable?? Sometimes I feel so bitter and twisted and then feel that someone 'up there' has done this to us because I'm this miserable.
Sorry to moan on-it's been a long day for me and I've just hit the wine! No doubt I'll read this posting tomorrow and cringe!!
Sarah xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi pink panther ,why should you discuss it with your mil? Its your business! My mil never really asked us why we werent pg as my other bil/sil(dh'sbrother) have been married 14 yrs with no children so i suppose that took some pressure off.(plus my sdaughter is their youngest grandchild) but it means she doesnt know NOT to mention all these other christenings!!!(which are now her great grand kids!!!).

My dh didnt tell anyone in his family about our problems.I only managed to tell mine last year after iui failed.And they know not to mention it to dh as he is so private.When i went in for my laperoscopy way back 2001 I told my mil that i had to go in for a day proceedure for cysts on my ovary (we had to tell her as it was at 8am and we needed her to look after my sd).

While i was recovering the phone rang and it was my sil asking how i was!!! I remember feeling so angry  that this had spread so quickly!!! It wasnt as if i was going in for a toe operation!!!! Mind you its not just in laws, my mum did the same and told all my family too! I remember having a big row with her that time. She also tells me she understands as it took her 3 yrs to conceive- yes BUT she went on to have 5 bloody kids!!! So how can she understand??

You are not alone- just choose who you speak to and avoid situations you cant deal with.Unless you really have to go!!! xxx


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