# Our surrogacy journey/diary



## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

I have decided to share my surrogacy diary with you all, I have however edited some parts due to a situation that was happening at the time - Once i feel up to it, and think i can cope writing it, i will add the missing parts

*Well here it goes.... The start of my surrogacy diary*

The story so far............
So i spend my life thinking that being a daddy is out of the question, I'm gay, Gay men don't have children, OK so i hear that lesbians sometimes offer co-parenting, that is out of the question for me, 
I spend my days feeling empty, lost, and feel that my life will never be complete, i have always wanted to be a daddy, the love i will have for my children will be wasted if i never archive my life's goal, Nice house, good career, loving partner and children to call my own... Thats what everybody wants right?

I need to find a way to become a daddy, so i take to the internet, start a search of gay dads, not much success apart from a band called gay dad - A popular UK band (Not known to myself).
Then i come across a website for adoption, well, OK, i would have a family.... BUT, they would never be mine.
Surrogacy.... now, with all the bad thing i have read about surrogacy, i never knew too much about it so i set off doing web searches on surrogacy stories, news etc, and set my mind back to early 2000's when i wanted to move to Spain, and remembered a gay couple, who had surrogate children, i remember speaking to one of the dads on my net, not to mention names, but i do remember them being wealthy, OK so i have not done bad for myself.... Lets have a look how much it would cost to have a surrogate baby, i come across a website that you can post an ad to advertise for a surrogate.... I spend the next hour thinking what does one write on an ad, 'Can somebody have my baby please' OK, maybe that is OTT, Surrogate mother wanted/required, that sounding about right, i carry on writing the ad, detailing things about myself, and what i am looking for. Post the ad, and wait for the replies.

Within days, i had lots of replies, one from India - asking did i want to get married, in exchange she would give me a baby. Lots from America, average was £60,000 for a baby.... That said, people being motivated for financial gain, i thought was pretty heartless and didn't even reply. Didn't have a single reply from anybody in the UK.

So i am left thinking that maybe surrogacy is illegal in this country, i hit the internet again one night, start a search for surrogacy UK and see what comes up. To my delight, lots of agencies come up, so i follow the links, One was not taking on 'Ip's' (What the hell is an ip)

Went on to find a forum, read a little info on their website and decided to join, i had lots of friendly welcomes, and over time, i spent more and more time on there getting to know people. One person always caught my attention, a woman that wanted to be a surrogate, by the name of Jazz, we clicked from day one, shared lots of banter... i loved being in her presence, it was always fun.
Got talking to other people, all with different stories as to how they could not have children, i followed the later part of a surrogate mother (Becky) having a baby for a same sex couple, which i thought was amazing.... And it also built my hopes up that surrogates do have children for gay men.
The forum, played a big part of my day to day activity for a few months. After doing all i had to do first thing in the morning, i would log in, and catch up on posts. see if anybody new had joined (In the hopes of it being a new surrogate)
After some time, i got bored on the forum, Jazz was not posting due to moving and not having the INTERNET, so it become boring and lots its fun along the way it got a bit of a drag speaking about the same things over and over again.
I looked for other forums in the hopes of finding ones that had a few more surrogates, after all, the ones on the forum i was on at the time, had very limited amounts.
I joined one or two, and felt a bit out of place, being that they were unlike the one i was on firstly.... So went back to the original group.
Jazz then returned on the forum, her internet was now connected, so things got a little more bearable on the forum.
At this point, still no luck with a surrogate, although i was in contact with a few on the forum.

Continued....

My forum buddy (Jazz), would always keep me laughing, or better still, laugh at me with my happenings and life story, i was gutted when i caught wind that Jazz wanted to do host surrogacy, Not only host surrogacy, but multipal births.... twins or more.
I can remember feeling gutted reading that, not that i thought she was the one for me, but from that day on, i wished it was me she was helping.... There was a connection there, its hard to put my finger on why.... But it was just there.

I start to feel like, i am not being noticed by surrogate mothers, and i start to wonder if i was to register with the group that maybe i will get better luck.... For verious reasons, i didn't have the time for a membership meeting, plus i didn't feel a need to rush due to the limited amounts of surrogates i had seen on the forum.
I spoke to admin, from a business point of view, for them, i suggested a bit of a media drive with the hopes of getting new members on the forum, i suggested the use of ********, being that it is the biggest social networking site, and most common, they stated that they already had a group on there but if i could help them use the group proactivly, i guess it would help people all around.

So i went on to help them, even got some of the members from the group to join the page, even Jazz, or at least, who i thought was Jazz.
Somebody joined the ******** group by the name of Julie, she didn't have the blonde hair i thought she had, infact it was dark brown, and i lot longer than what i could see from her mini photo on the forum.
But i still went ahead and sent her a personal message. Subject: shhhhh! its Craig Message: And i take it this is Jazz?
If not.... oops!

47 mins go by and i get a reply:

Hello my good friend!

Yes it's me! Fancy meeting you here!! xx :cud03 (no smilies here...)

At last, we could speak beyond the walls of the forum, without the gods looking over our every moves.

*MORE*
So myself and Jazz (Julie) start exchanging messages beyond the message board, We start to feel naughty that we are doing so, if the forum owners were to find out, They would be so unhappy!

It was always lovely to have a message from Julie, conversation always flowed nice, and we always had something to say.... Anybody would think we love a gossip, well ok, about ourselves, but it was nice.
The banter from the forum, stayed with the messages, only they got more interesting as we started talking about 'US' what we did, what we have done, our careers, our lives. We shared jokes - Ok, not knock knock jokes, but humoured our messages.
On the first day we exchanged 22 messages, each getting longer and longer, and they never felt a chore to read and reply to them....... Julie was very interesting!

Hello my friend - how are you today?
We spent 2 days exchanging masses of messages, and i felt like i got to know the 'Real' person a bit, Not Jazz, but Julie.

Then, messages kind of stopped, i didn't hear off her, i thought that maybe she didn't feel a connection with me, maybe she didn't like me. We did speak on the forum - but not much, the odd message, but not on ********.
I didn't go on the forum all that much at this time, i was unwell, and if truth be told.... Spending time on the forum just annoyed me,
12 days went by.... Still no message from Julie, so i send her one.

Hi Julie.
Hope your ok? Not heard off you for a while.
x

Shortly after i get a reply

Hello my friend - how are you today?

-----------------------------------------------------

I will get the rest done asap


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

Ok so im skipping a bit out here, but thought i would add to our diary.
We are starting insems on Julie's next cycle 
This feeling i have inside - i wish i could bottle it and keep it for life.... We feel so blessed to have such an amazing woman come into our lives and give us the chance to become complete and have the family we have always dreamed of.
The one thing i would have to say to anybody in our situation, or anybody using surrogacy as an option is, never give up!
There are angels out there, they will find you, and when they do do you, you too will know how i am feeling right now.
xxx


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## missmarple (Jul 23, 2009)

Can you keep going, Craig, I was enjoying that and would love to hear more. Maybe you will inspire me to put my own diary as an IP on here! It's wonderful to know we are not going through this journey with all its ups and downs alone.


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

missmarple said:


> Can you keep going, Craig, I was enjoying that and would love to hear more. Maybe you will inspire me to put my own diary as an IP on here! It's wonderful to know we are not going through this journey with all its ups and downs alone.


Hello
Yes i will get it done soon and bring it up to its current date.
WATCH THIS SPACE  
I can't wait to get to our happy ending.... Its going to be a while yet though.
xx


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

And so we start talking again daily - By the 18th March i am just about to leave the forum we were both members of, To my horror i find out the group have only ever had one successful surrogacy match and that was a member of admin, I tell Julie that i can see it taking us forever to find a surro angel so i am going to leave the group with hopes of having better luck elsewhere, What more i am getting sick of the demands from admin and the god like way they like to act. Talks moved on to Julie's question of "Have we had anymore thought about twins?" This was an exciting topic for me because i would loved to have had twins if at all possible - I send Julie a very long reply saying how hard i was finding it finding an egg donor and that i had made an appointment with a clinic not too far from me to see if they could help us find an egg donor.I also voiced my partners concerns about twins - Becuase he was worried that i would not be able to cope with twins on my own if i was to be a stay-at-home dad, This i thought was rubbish - With twins im sure you just learn to cope, ok so its double everything, but i would love twins! (Julie has twin boys by the way)
The next day (19TH) - the exchange of messages resumes as normal, only i was to recieve a message that would make my heart miss a beat.

*I HAVE TO MISS THIS PART OUT AT THE MOMENT - THE SITUATION IS KIND OF A SORE SUBJECT STILL, AND NOT TO LET IT GET IN THE WAY, I WILL MOVE ON SLIGHTLY*

So i give Julie my telephone number, i thought it would be great to put a voice to a photo that i had seen of her (Julie had come across as a very sweet. caring, gentle person) i guess it wondered if her voice would match - Apart from that the messages were getting longer and longer so would be great to give my fingers a break lol.
Julie was busy over that weekend, lots going on with her children/family, so we didn't talk on the phone - we did exchange messages on ********.

Saturday morning (20th) i wake up - my normal routine, shuffle to the kitchen with my eyes barley open, turn my coffee machine on, press the button to grind the coffee beans, open the back door for the dogs to go out the garden for a run around, return to my coffee machine (Make grunting sounds like everything is an effort) make my coffee, (whilst making more grunting sounds), zombie walk to my office, turn everything on - sip coffee - make fewer grunting sounds - check emails - sip more coffee - start playing music - see that Julie has sent me a message on ******** - log on to ******** - sip more coffee - start reading message - read message - feel a tear roll down my face - read the message again - feel confused - read message again - and start to reply

_"Wow - You being our surrogate 
_
_I could not think of anybody better!
_
_And i am not just saying that, i was talking to Daniel about you last night. And i will admit i was a bit gutted when you said you had offered somebody else._
_Well i think we get on, and connect on many levels.... To me, you are our perfect surrogate mum"_
_I hand on heart, feel that you are the one for us! and worth waiting for.
I understand that its host you wanted to do? If so we would have to get our side of things sorted anyway, ie: finding an egg doner."_

(Again i will not add the goings on at that time - But there was going to be a delay in how soon she could help us)

I didn't get a reply that day, i was on PINS all day! i can remember thinking all sorts, did i scare her off - was i too forward - EEEK!!!
Next morning i get a reply asking for my email address and she would email me rather than send messages on ********, i forwarded my email address to her, and then promted another message telling Julie NOT TO FORGET THE DOT in between my christian and surname, i was back to that feeling of what is she going to say in her email, i was excited, very excited!!!
Here comes the e-mail

_"I was so pleased when you said you would consider me to help you out!! Thanks so much! I feel very honoured!_
_So Yes please! Yes! And yes again!"_
_

more soon............
_


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## kimberley-s (Mar 19, 2008)

Hi craig don't know if you remember me from alw ite kimjane i would like to wish you all the best on your journey im now 18 weeks pregnant will keep intouch with you if that is ok love kim x


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

Hi Kim.
Of course i remember you.
I look forward to following your journey too.... Is your diary on here?
x


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

Just a little update.
Not much has changed since my last update, well apart from the time is getting closer to insems 
I am so excited the thought of starting our dream... This really is an amazing time for us.

I on the other hand have been ill with the flu (Everybody say "Awww") so hope that it shifts before we start TTC.

More of an update soon, and i will finish the rest of my 'diary so far' asap

Hugs xx


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

Well, we have come to the end of the road with our dear friend and intended surrogate Julie.
We don't know what we are going to do now.... we are heart broken!
That is all i can say for now.

Craig x


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## leo (Mar 7, 2005)

So sorry to hear your sad new's Craig my thoughts are with you. But you know if this is what you want then you need to keep battling and you will find another Angel for you both, it will be hard but please do not give up, you were chosen once before and you WILL be chosen again.

BIG HUGS xxx


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

Craig I am so sorry, but as Leo says if you want to continue, then don't give up, there will be a surro out there that is right for you, try and stay strong and believe 

Take care of each other
Jo
x x x


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

Thanks both 
We will contine in the lovely minefield that is surrogacy - we will live our dream one day, in the meanwhile i guess we can just help and support others when they need it 

x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Craig I am so sorry that your surrogate mother has fallen through. This TTC journey never goes to plan but as the others have said 'DOn't give up'

L x


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

Craig, I am so sorry. x


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

Thanks for the support guys.
This week has been so hard, i guess i looked at the future knowing that Julie was going to be in it, and it was thanks to her we were going to have a family.

I guess i have to move on a keep smiling, i know i have all good to come and i cannot wait for it to happen.... I still believe angels exist 
xx


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi Craig.
Just you keep believing that they do exist, because they do, there are many out there, and I am sure you and your partner will find the right one that will make your dreams come true soon  
Take care
Love Jo
x x x


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

Thanks Jo.

x


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

@Jo
I love your baby montage.... it was so uplifting!
x


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

Thanks Craig, thats so nice of you to say so  we never thought we would be parents but we are after 12 years, so please don't give up.

love Jo
x x x


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## ♀Craig♀ (Mar 11, 2010)

I will not give up - ever.
We have lots of hope 
xx


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