# Insensitive comments



## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

It has now been a year since we started treatment using ivf & have had 2 failed & are looking into starting our 3rd.
It still amazes me how people who are meant to be close to you can still be so insensitive & lack thought.

I'll give you an example ( I actually have many but this is the one that is annoying me at the moment) my mother in law called yesterday & asked when my contract is up at work ( ironically I'm covering a maternity leave) so I said April.
She said - with any luck things would of changed by then ( which of course yes we hope they would) 
She continued ... The lady might get pregnant again & won't come back so you can keep the job!!!!!!!    WTF??

The conversation was finished quickly after that! 

I'm still   

M
xx


----------



## Jen xx (Mar 14, 2011)

Omg,does she not hear herself??I bet after thhat phone call she was kickin herself!!some people really don't no wat to say!!the best one we heard was when a guy we know came into my work place,(I didn't tell my hubby wat he said)we were just havin a general chat when he asked how things were goin then he turned round and ask me did I 'want to use his super sperm seein my hubbys wasn't doin the trick'!he is so lucky I didn't beat the crap outta him after that comment and I haven't spoke to him since!!just rise above it hun,we tried for 6yrs and numerous idiots sayin insensitive things,ohh another one was my 'friend'(I use that word loosely) she asked me was I jealous of her womb lol!!I swear some people never think!!ur time will come pet,I def believe wat is for u won't go by u!!good luck xx


----------



## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

I know! And No unfortunately she wouldnt of been kicking herself. That's just what's she's like! 
She's also told me that she knows how I feel because she was told she couldn't get pregnant & my DH was a miricle for her, to which I replied but you already had 2 kids? It's so not the ******* same!!!!

OMG I'm not surprised you aren't talking to the bloke at work I'm suprised you are still talking to your "friend"!!

I'd love to hear more comments as I bet we could all write a book!  

X


----------



## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi there *Michimoo * and *Jen*, after reading your 'unbelievably bonkers' examples of comments, i thought i'd share - i told my mum yesterday that my bf was pregnant again (12 months since last). I hasten to add it's a delicate matter at the moment, apart from the obvious, we also sit across from each other at work and car share so i'm going through yet another one of her pregnancies  Mum asked when was she due, i said April (same as her last), to which she replied "ooohh she must be sooooo fertile"??!!  Yeah, thanks mum! She did come back today to apologise but said they can't keep walking on egg shells! No, a bit of consideration is all it needs Arrgghh

Not as bad as last Christmas though with dad. Actually it was New Year's Day, 2am. "i hope ..... (my brother), has a baby as that'll be my real grandchild"!!! (im going through DE/IVF) Wont go into it now but you can imagine the upset! Due to start 2nd cycle in November and that comment has still stayed with me.

DH's dad just thinks we dont have enough sex   He is 72 though, so i think he can be forgiven 

Michimoo - i think you've started something off here 

Our time will come - it's just a matter of when 

Take Care
Essie x


----------



## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

OMG EssieJean!!!! I've blown you bubbles for luck.  
I can't believe your Dad! I'm sure he felt like a right wally afterwards but the thing is we never forget.
Yes my Mum keeps saying she feels like she's walking on egg shells because she doesn't want to mention the "B" word! (baby)
Oh I'm sorry!  

Keep them coming Ladies. Come join in the rant!!  

Xx


----------



## EssieJean (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks for the bubbles Michimoo - right back at you  

x


----------



## Jen xx (Mar 14, 2011)

Omg that is just a classic example of how stupid men can be!!that's a shockin thing to come out with,I no he is ur dad but I'm sure u felt like punchin him??stuff like this bugs the life outta me,I would like to adopt some day as well and I know if it ever happens then that child will be mine regardless of genetics and god help anyone who says any different!!we have been lucky enough to have our beautiful daughter however we did try for 6yrs and listened to so much rubbish from people and had to deal with family falling pregnant when they were the least maternal people we knew!!also seein so much upset in the news about poor wee children who have suffered at the hands of pure evil and often thinkin why the hell have we not been given a baby when we would be the best parents we could be!thankfully our time came and in just 6wks my little baby will be 1!!I count my blessings every single day and will never forget the heartache we endured to get our girl and I only hope use are blessed soon too!!it angers me that people like us have to go thru so much when there is others out there who no more care and fall preg just by lookin at the bloody thing!!xx


----------



## Brellini (Aug 11, 2011)

Hey ladies, hope you don't mind me dropping in. Your stories struck a cord with me in so many ways, people are so bloody insensitive aren't they! On our second ICSI we got a bfp but sadly lost the baby at 6weeks.  On the very day we lost the baby my mum came round to see how I was and said 'oh well just wasn't meant to be!'. Really mum thanks for that!!!! I can sympathise EssieJean, one of my bf's is 5months pregnant and I also work opposite her. She has had a bit of a hard start but it makes my blood boil when she sits moaning about how rubbish being pregnant is!!! Oh and she does know all we've been through and that we would be 4 and a half months if we didn't miscarry!  Oh and my father-in-law said 'Oh isnt it strange, we just had to look at each other haha'!!  Just what i needed to hear! Some people!!!!  Xxx


----------



## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Hi ladies, 

Thought this might add to the volume we're compiling!!!

Out a while back with my dh and a couple of mates when one of his old friends got quite drunk and decided to start talking to my belly. No one knows we are going through all this and we only got married last year so apparently we're fair game for baby teasing. Anyway he's obsessed with getting one of our circle of friends to call their next baby after him. So I'm sat in the pub with dh's mate baby talkin to my belly and asking how little Johnny is doing in there and is it nice and cosy in my welcoming womb!!! I kid you not!!! I told him to f off and left in a rage, how dare he!! Talk about taking the ****, how do people think it is ok to take such personal things and throw them around for fun, it still makes my blood boil thinking about it.

Grrrr... Just annoyed myself in the retelling of that story!!!

X
Ducky


----------



## lexiecat (Jun 13, 2011)

Hi ladies

Some of these stories are gobsmacking!

I can add a few....

Two friends got preg this year first month of trying.

Couple number 1....' it's your fault we are pregnant (got married in april 2012, fell preggers Jan 2012, which was highly inconvenient I feel), cos of all your problems we thought we'd better start sooner rather than later'. THREE times she's said it. Does she think she is being funny or what?

friend number 2 (at work).. moaning at about 16 weeks, oh i feel so tired/ boobs hurt etc, 'you know pregnancy isn't all its cracked up to be', don't see what the big deal is' F**K OFF!!!!! I think I'd like to find out for myself.

if these ppl could only hear themselves.

xx


----------



## Minidaisy (Oct 23, 2012)

this is such an emotive subject isn't it.  Some of those comments are shocking and So insensitive.  I have experienced a few problems with comments too.  One of my best friends constantly asks me if any news yet ...nearly once a week! even though she has been asking me the same question for years and the answer is always no!.  I know deep down inside most peeps are only caring and want to hear good news but I find it difficult constantly being asked.  But what can you do? I cant lock myself away so no one says anything to me.  And my poor wee Gran just keeps saying,,, you just need to relax! lol if only it was that easy  

Anyway it is so tough and I send lots of love and   to all of us.  xx


----------



## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Minidaisy!!!! OMG....
Friend 2 .... Yeah what ever would be my approach to her, to be honest ive heard so many people come off with this type of [email protected] that I'm almost used to it.... But friend 1!!!!!     I'd would have been feckin RAGING!!  How dare she!! I'm totally livid on your behalf.

Urggghhhhh
X
Ducky


----------



## Minidaisy (Oct 23, 2012)

Ducky your response made me laugh with the  .  My friend is lovely I just dont think she realises its not that helpful to be reminded everytime we speak.  Its my fault too I should say something but I dont want people to avoid the subject all together either if you know what I mean...its difficult.  xx


----------



## AmyHF (Mar 9, 2012)

Hi Ladies,

Just thought I'd pop on with a few!

My on sister in law, has a (now three yr old) little boy, and knew we were having issues as she had given me an unconditional offer of her eggs if for whatever reason we couldnt use mine, Actually cried I was so touched! Anyway, they decide they want to try for a second baby. They caught really quickly with my nephew (as in 1 month aftercoming off the pill) so when she goes three months without getting pregnant, she starts complaining about how difficult it is to keep trying with noe result??! Really? No Sh!t, Sherlock! Managed not to say anything though.

And then when they did catch (5months after I got my BFP) they break the news to me and DH. Obviously really happy for them, just happen to mention in passing to my mum though that I am glad that they didnt catch before me as that would have been quite hard. She turns round an says that they can't be expected to put their life on hold and not try, even if it hadnt worked! I didnt mean that!  

And now my other sister in law has announced she is expecting! Again, sooo pleased for her as I wouldnt wish this on anyone. Once again the comment of "it's your fault, we thought we'd start trying early just in case there were problems".

Do feel a little guilty though, as I have had the thought of why do they both have to do this now? This could be my one shot and I'm sharing the spotlight with two other family members, both of whom are struggling where as I seem to be breezing through..... Still not sure if this makes me a bad person or not....

And Jen, that bloke from work? I'd be tempted to give his 'super sperm' a darn good kicking and then see if they still work as well! Insensitive clod.

On the flip side of the DE issue by the way, I told my parents that if our NHS IVF didnt work, I would be looking at donating/egg sharing to reduce the cost of the treatment, and her response? "Oh but that means that there will be grandchildren of mine running around out there that I will never meet!"


----------



## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

Oh Ladies 

Some people just need   and are so totally  

I just have to laugh it off as some things are unbelievable !

Ducky - I would of so slapped that man talking to your belly & if he said we should name our kid after him I would've said that I wouldn't think [email protected]@@ head was a nice name!  

The problem is I always think of a great response about 1 minute too late.

I think I've open a can of worms on this thread but it's the only place we can rant!

M
Xx


----------



## NickyRich (Sep 12, 2012)

I am raging reading the comments that we have to put up with!!  The world and his wife feel like they can make their feelings known to people who are struggling with infertility!!  The worst one I had was off my old headteacher.  I lost my sister-she was 32 and my nephew was 2.  She died in her sleep and our lives were changed for ever.  Lee and I had started to go down the route of investigations (we have been trying for 12 years now-just had our 3rd failed cycle) and my head said-good luck with the consultation-I hope it works.  If it doesn't, your parents won't have any more grandchildren now your sister is dead!'  I almost fell to the floor!  I had to leave the room before I smacked the ***** in the face!!  
Last Xmas, at our Xmas do, a girl I work with asked to speak to me privately.  She offered to be a surrogate for me as Lee and I obviously would never be able to have children!  She was very drunk, I was very sober!  I couldn't believe the insensitivity of her!!
My cousin has just announced that she is pregnant with her thrid (without even trying apparently!!) and no-one wanted to tell me!  (found out the first day of this treatment cycle).  My mother insists on telling me the due date, the scans, the morning sickness she is having and then said that my cousin is surprised she hadn't heard from me to congratulate her!  I couldn't believe it!  I had just lost my last chance of this working and my mum was pushing me to ring her to congratulate her!  I am being selfish this time and I am puting it off!  After all, if she can't bring herself to tell me, why should I bring myself to congratulate her!!
I have been off work due to treatment and getting over another failure and I am going back next Monday.  Found out Friday the new teacher in our school is pregnant!  This will mean the staffroom will be full of baby talk and pregnancies again -just what I need!!!  The girl has had a failed cycle of IVF and this is natural.  I am really pleased for her but I just know that some people in work will say-that must give you hope/don't give up etc!!!  Only a few people know about the second and third failed cycle-we learnt from the first failed cylce not to tell anyone.  I know people mean well but their words hurt so much!!  Gets really hard to rise above it sometimes!!!  Sending loads of     and wish we had a protective shield from the insensitive comments!!


----------



## Michimoo (Oct 13, 2011)

OMG Nicky - I want to smack that Headteacher in the face too. If you won't do it I will!!!  

Sorry about your recent failed. I've just had my 3rd cancelled due to high FSH!   

Sending


----------



## princesspink96 (Oct 1, 2012)

Some people just don't think before they open their mouths and others are just downright rude!  It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive some people can be.  I think you need to resist the urge to punch them repeatedly in the face and rise above it  

 to you all


----------



## jblox78 (Dec 6, 2011)

Hi Ladies!

Slightly similar story to AmyHF - my sister fell pregnant within a month of coming off the pill with her second baby - we had literally just had our first BFN.  My thoughts at the time were - why did they have to do it then?  If we had got a BFP I would be sharing something with her that I had longed for for years!  She told me over the phone (just a couple of days after DH and I had returned from a holiday which we had booked to make ourselves feel better) rather than telling me in person and then text me with her scan picture at 12 weeks - she hadn't even told me the date of her scan so it came as a shock when I was sitting at my desk at work on a Monday morning!!!  My mum seemed to understand at first but then she and my dad came over one night when DH wasn't in and had a massive go at me for struggling with the situation - apparently my sister was "just as devastated as me about the situation" ??!!??!! and I needed to grow up and be more positive!  I also heard the whole spiel about "they couldn't put their lives on hold" etc. etc. but my thoughts were maybe they could have for the sake of one or two months??!!  Her baby will now be born 5 weeks after mine would have been had we had a BFP - kind of tough to watch her bump getting bigger - doesn't help that she treats pregnancy like an illness and complains constantly!

Phew - that feels better!!!!

Hugs,

Jen xxx


----------



## pinklily12 (Nov 5, 2012)

Just wanted to say I enjoyed reading this! 

I haven't had any shocking comments, but it certainly sets my teeth on edge when pregnant friends complain about how their back aches or they feel tired. Worse, when friends who have children say things like "My kids drive me crazy, you can have mine!" 
Perhaps the worst culprit is my sister-in-law who had twins after one IVF.  She actually knows what this is like and all she ever does is complain about how hard it is.  Her father is loaded so he pays for her to have a nanny and a housekeeper and my mother looks after them two or three days a week as well! I am sorry, but you're not getting sympathy from me!


----------



## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

It is like therapy reading this thread! I've been quite careful about who i tell about ivf, because as well as some people being amazing, including my sister with 2 kids,  i already had so many issues with other d!!!******!

1 - male "friend" from when we were younger, who suspects there is a problem, telling us how fertile he is = he slept around with no protection when he was younger, didn't take any responsibility for his kid, was a weekend dad, now has a new baby, makes him feel like big ego that he has 2 kids, we have zero. whatever!! 

2 - me and my DH upstairs in a holiday cottage for new year with a bunch of couples, friends of DH, and we hadn't told anyone at that time as we didn't know the facts ourselves, hearing other couples downstairs with kids saying "but why would they choose not to have a family" I was so sad and angry, because I didn't choose, and the fact that they find it so easy they didn't even consider that maybe we were having problems, and that it is private and sensitive and i might not want to talk about it with them. also because it is people like them who make it hard to just be, totally don't stop talking about kids kids kids.

my mum wants me to be more open, as she thinks people will be more understanding that way and understand where i am coming from, mmmm she is right when it comes to my real friends, but there are so many gossips and insensitive people out there!

rant over. ooo i  feel better!!  xx


----------



## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Brace yourselves girls.... I've got a doozie here...

This is non IF but I was go smacked at the insensitivity. A very dear friend of mine has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and is having a mastectomy this Friday. So on Saturday night she asked all her close friends round for a breast 'wake'. She's an incredible woman and very open and strong but some people, well one person took her lead and went too far. She was telling us about finding the lump and one of the girls said.... I know this is really personal but can I feel it, I'd like to know what cancer feels like'

OMG seriously I just kept thinking thank god I had told her I ha just been diagnosed with endometriosis otherwise he'd have been punched in the face for wanting to see what it feels like

!!!!!!! Some people are just not wise in the head... Total bin lid....

X
Ducky


----------



## BunnieBW (Oct 25, 2012)

OMG Ducky,

I actually sat at my desk at work open mouthed at that!!, Shocking behaviour!

x x


----------



## Duck007 (Feb 7, 2012)

Thank you so much for sharing.  I am so shocked at some of the things that have happened to you.  

Usually my husband is careful about what he says regarding our fertility problems however, my HUSBAND informed me that he had been discussing our last cycle of IVF with work colleagues (all male) and told them our one and only embryo had a poor grading.  They subsequently named our embryo after a slightly remedial bloke that works with them.  I can't believe that my husband actually discussed our IVF issues with work colleagues but then to tell me that they had nicknamed our grade 2/3 embryo after a remedial.  In fact I can't believe he told me about it.  I dare say my husband left the fact that he has an incredibly low sperm count out of the ladish banter.  

I guess my husband doesn't take IVF as seriously as his heartbroken wife who can't even keep hold of a 'remedial' embryo  

xx


----------



## wehavethreecats (Feb 12, 2012)

Some shocking stories, ladies, Duckiebun - i think i would have swung for her!

I had a corker a few years back.... a friend of mine was telling me all about how she'd been taking clomid for ages, and it was so awful not being able to get pregnant, and especially when her colleagues and friends were constantly and insensitively going on and on about being pregnant. *polite cough*.  
Anyway, eventually she did get pregnant herself (on clomid), and then went on and on and on to me about being pregnant.  LOL.  My eye-rolling was in overdrive.  I did tell her at that point that DH and I had been trying/failing to preg for ages, but i don't think the penny quite dropped.  She was a 'witness' to two of my cycles, but i never told her about cycle 3... she's now got 2 children and never asks how things are going.

*rolls eyes so far they spin fully around*


----------



## AmyHF (Mar 9, 2012)

Duck007, Maybe he was just trying to cope with it all? I'm not excusing what they/he did and certainly not that he actually told you about it, but please try not to think that it means he doesnt care about IVF. I do think our partners get a bit forgotten in all of this, maybe it was his way of trying to feel like he had some control over everything? I know I have a tendancy to do that, if I get disappointed in something that I really want then I tend to make myself believe that I didn't want it in the first place.


----------



## Tinks01 (Feb 2, 2011)

Wow! Some really  comments! Why don't people just think before they open their mouths! 

I have had to turn my face to a few over the years but the most recent of the insensitive comments was from my best friend this past weekend. Bearing in mind she knows all about our fertility issues decided to tell me that "a baby completes your life and makes everything so much better". 

Now, I've become quite good at remaining straight faced and trying not to show how hurt I am by some peoples comments but I'm not really sure how I held it together in the middle of the shopping centre. I think she noticed afterwards and said "I don't suppose you needed to hear that really did you"

NO - I don't suppose I did


----------

