# Not Sure where to post, unsure how to keep going..............



## Stacey2685 (Jul 17, 2007)

I'm not sure if I am posting in the right place or not but just really need to get some things out, I apologize in advance as this is prob going to be a long & somewhat rambled post.

Well quick run down I will be 27 later in the year my husband is coming up for 34, we started ttc in Nov 2004 & when nothing was happening it took until 2007 to get them to test us as we kept getting told we were young etc anyway I was sure there was a problem before that & sure it was with me I can't explain why however long story short I didn't have a good childhood & was abused (mentally,physically & sexually) from age 4 and I always thought I would never be able to have children from as young as 9/10 so this was almost like a self fulfilling prophecy iykwim, anyway I only had basic tests done which were fine & then we found my husband has azoospermia so they never tested me further. We have now had 3 ICSI the first in 2008 which was BFN the second in 2009 this time with acupuncture BFP BUT MC at 4+6 then in Feb this year again BFN at first when I got this result I was looking to our next cycle and what we could do differently etc but now I keep trying to throw in the towel so too speak saying there is no point trying again as it won't work anyway but I keep trying to twist it to get my DH too say he doesn't want to try again. I just feel like such a failure, I feel hurt & confused and like my body is failing me time & time again I resent myself, I HAVE ISOLATED MYSELF FROM MOST OF THE PEOPLE i know as they all have young children & I just can't help but feel bitter about it. I feel like time is going by & I'm getting older and older and its less likely too work as I do (I know theoretically I am not old but I have now been trying for 8 years this year ) Having a family is very important too me too the point I feel like there is no point in me being here if I can't achieve this (with my husband though I do love him with all my heart) I find myself contemplating suicide although I wouldn't have the courage to do it and feel it would be selfish too I can't stop it going throw my head, I also keep considering leaving my husband not because I son't love him but if he was with someone else maybe the ICSI would work I just feel so lost & alone.........

Sorry for such a me post just needed to let it outxx


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## babybeet (Dec 11, 2011)

Hey stacey
I didnt want to just read and run........Just want you to know that the pain you are feeling is totally normal as is the isolating yourself from others who have little ones. I have been trying for the same time as you and have the disadvantage of age on my side......38. Have you considered talking to others about how you are feeling?? I went to a fertility councillor when my best friend fell pregnant with twins.......and she was one of many of my friends who announced pregnancys at the time. It helped enormously and trust me.... I am not a great talker.....If I can shy away from confronting anything I will. Please consider this as it did me a world of good as I was constantly tearful and felt like I was losing a grip on the real me. I totally understand your feelings about wanting to leave your hubbie as I think most people have these feelings too.I know I did as the problem is just with me, I have endometriosis and countless other issues going on too, DH has perfect sperm, but he just will not entertain me using the words 'Its my fault' I'm blessed to have him and he refers to it as our problem/battle not mine.

I hope you feel stronger and brighter soon........this whole fertility thing just sucks doesnt it but please don't feel alone.  
Lv
BB


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## Cinnoam (May 16, 2011)

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, but I agree with the comment - it is totally normal. I've also been to some very dark places and have felt most of the feelings you e described. At one point, after our second failed cycle I didn't think I could get over it. I also used the counselling service which did help. 

Keep talking, keep going.  Much love xxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Stacey   . You keep going because you have too.  There are no other options other than survival, and you will survive and you and your DH will get through this as the team that you obviously are    


I agree with the others and everything you are thinking is completely normal sadly and we have all had terrible phases of beating ourselves up over things that are not in our control. I think also many of us haev tried to push our DHs away so that they can move on and live the lives they deserve. Love isn´t that simple and your DH married you for you and not for your babies. I´ve tired all sorts to drive my poor long suffering DH away but he is still here. Marriage vows turn out to be more than just a piece of paper so allow your DH to take care of you and support each other through this. You´ll get there somehow.


Your history has no bearing on whether you will have family or not, but I know from my own experiences that it does make it harder to deal with the feelings of failure and loneliness. As BB said though, don´t feel alone, there is no need when FF is here for you. I hope letting it out helped and you know where we are if you need to rant and rave or just have a good cry.


Be brave, 
Katxxx


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## gottahavehope (Jun 22, 2011)

Hi Stacey 

I too couldnt read and run. Not sure that typing this words is enough to describe what amazing person I already think you are.
Recently i read a leaflet from clinic regarding emotional toll of process and I must say I could identify with what I read and I hope this helps in
some way. It said that the process will at times take you back to other tuff times in your life even things that you thought you had dealt with.

... and from what you had the bravey to post you have been through a lot so no wonder you feel as you feel. You will cope and you will find a way
I know that easy for me to say... but from reading what you wrote you need some help to get there. YOu are not alone.I agree with the counselling and also have a chat with your GP.

Sending you all the love in the world xx


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