# Trying to accept - any advice?



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I'm 41 now and after everything we've been through dh and I feel that enough is enough and we need to move on. But how? It is so hard to accept that our future will probably be withour children. There is always the smallest chance I could fall pg naturally. How do you cope with that? I'm so mixed up and sad about it all. DOn't know quite where to turn.
Bernie


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Bernie,

Big hugs first of all. I completely understand where you are, and I know what a horrible place it is. I'm sorry you've had such a rough journey and so many dashed hopes. I keep saying it, but life is just too cruel sometimes. There is no simple answer and it will take time, but you will get through this. Life without children can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, but I know you can't see that at the moment because it is all too raw. I think each and every one of us on here would say that we still have days when we ache for the children we never had, but as time goes on, those days become fewer and farther between.

I was in the same situation as you - I had more natural pg than through treatment, but every single one ended in m/c. As the other regulars know on here, I chose to be sterilised to end the uncertainty, and if you go back a page on the threads, and read the thread called Vasectomy, you can see how I got to that point. I'm not saying this is right for you, or for anyone other than me for that matter! But it drew a line under things for us, and forced me to start to let go and move on.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you both want to do it, and take your time over the decision.

The others will be along soon to dispense better words of wisdom than I can manage. They are the most supportive and wise ladies I have ever met.


Lots of love,
Solitaire
xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Bernie

First of all, welcome.  I can see from your history you've had an incredibly difficult time and I'm sorry for your loss.

Dealing with the slight possibility of it happen eu naturel is a really difficult thing.  We've got a 1 in 10,000 chance of natural conception and even though it is so slim, I can end up very troubled by it. The way I deal with it is to avoid intimacy at the critical time and then I don't spend two weeks, wondering, hoping, worrying.  I find an absolute no easier to live with than the a slight maybe but we're all different.

Two years ago I simply couldn't imagine a life without children (how on earth was I going to fill the next two decades?) but now I'd like to echo Solitaire's comments, for me, in the here and now, my life without children is exceptionally rewarding and it is not the second class existence I feared it would be.

Take one day at a time and try to reflect on really positive aspects of you life together.

The other ladies will have wiser words than mine but I wanted to say hi, I entirely understand where you're coming from and that feeling mixed up and sad is completely normal but it does get a bit better with time.

flipper


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks Solitaire and Flipper. I've seen from a few posts on this board that you have a refreshing attitude to a life without children. I don't think I could have a hysterectomy, but at the same time I feel I'm def not going to spend money on contraception (when I haven't needed it for years!) So I can do what you do Flipper - and just avoid the crucial time of the month. When I'm feeling strong I do know that I am blessed with a strong and happy marriage (despite all this heartache) and I have lots of things to fill my life. But as you ladies know, there are just times when I feel so empty and on the 'sidelines' of life. We have to deal with it forever no matter how we come to terms with it ourselves - there will always be that stranger at a party who asks about your children (and eeek - grandchildren!) You will always have people say 'you should have adopted' - and this from people who have never had to face such a choice. It feels like I will never be through with this particular challenge. And I feel sooooo weary.
Bernie


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Bernie

I now bat off the "how many kids..." question by casual acquaintances with  "none, that's why we look so happy and relaxed" and it completely alters the dynamic of the conversation.

flipper


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Bernie,

I can see the other ladies have already given you oodles of wisdom, and I just want to add my own coments (couldn't call it wisdom) and say that for me this journey is so much about concentrating on what I do have, not what I don't have; seeing the discovery that I'm unlikely to be a mother (like you I have that 1% chance every month) as a begining not an ending. I don't mean to sound blase, but I believe it is possible that these stataments are true, and it is focusing on these beliefs that has me getting up in the morning and still finding beauty in life. Alongside that, I take incredible comfort from the solidarity and sisterhood that is found here (don't mean to sound like Germaine Greer but that is what it is) and I've been seeing a great counsellor - but that's not for everyone. 

Stick around - as you say, the ladies here have a very positive attitude - and I hope it brings you comfort and even the odd smile (sometimes, we are very funny, especially Flipper!)

love for now, 

MM xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I like it Flipper   Have to remember that one! And you are right MM that there is beauty in every day - we just have to see it. I guess that I have no regrets - I gave it a bloomin good try and it didn't work out. Time to be kind to myself. Life is just too short.
Bernie x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Bernie, 

Good for you! We are a long time not here, (cliche but true) and even with a hefty dose of [email protected] in our rucksacks there is good to be seen and done.

love, 

MM xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Yep there is good to be done - think I'm going to start with some travelling! My sister (12 yrs younger) wants to go round the world. I can't do that - but can go with her for 3 months. I'm soooo excited about it!! It is the first time in ages that I've been looking forward to something. Won't be until next year - but can't wait!
Bernie x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Now that really does sound like a plan!!!!!! Can I recommend Tibet, Thailand, Cairns in Oz, San Fransisco and Southern Ireland!!!!

Love, 

MM xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Thanks Bernie, I do like a spot of vicarious holiday planning! I second Thailand,the capital is amazing, and throw into your mix Russia and the Baltic states in general as being worth dropping in on and I'm now a big fan of India, just being there is a live altering experience (I'll never complain about my lot in life ever again) the Taj has to be seen to be appreciated.

Enjoy the planning!

flipper


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

MM - I've been to San Fransisco, but the rest are def on my list!! Trouble is I can't do everything in 3 months. 
Flipper - yes would love to see Thailand and India- but so does hubby, so will save that for when we go together. Def want to see the Taj Mahal!

Meanwhile - I reckon sis and I will go to Australia first. We have an aunt there so we will rock up on her doorstep. She is 80-odd but very lively! Then we will prob go to Vancouver and Seattle (I've been before - but they are my favourite cities and my sis HAS to see them). And I want to go to Rio de Janiro, and then there is Penang, and the Barrier reef - oh it's all mixed up. And probably the wrong order. Looks like we'll have to do some serious planning!

Bernie


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Hi Bernie,

I'm sorry I can't really help you as I am afraid that I do not know how to move on really, I guess a step at a time. I am at the same stage of my journey as you i think and trying to figure it all out, not terribly successfully yet, but we will get there in the end. i hope.

I just had to say how fantastic and what a wonderful opportunity you have got!

That would be my perfect luxury spending 3 months my sister, whilst travelling.

I used to spend 2 weeks on hols with my big Sis every year and absolutely loved it. Both got married and priorities change but still makes me smile and very happy to remember those great great girly holidays in our late teens and 20's.

Thanks for sharing your plans they have reminded me just how lucky I really am.

By the way I have to say Tahiti, Bora Bora and French Polynesia in general is the most specatular place on the earth and well worth a visit if you can squeeze it in. 

I'd love you to share your plans with us, keep my holiday dreams going. 

H4M
xx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks H4M. It is good to try to find something to look forward to - a project of some kind. I see from your signature that you have had a rocky road like me. I was a 'poor responder' - I hate the term. How dare they say that just because we don't respond to their horrible drugs! If you are on this board you are ready to let go of ttc - but if you wanted to try something I would say give alternative therapy a go. There is so much the IVF doctors just do not understand about conception. I would recommend reflexology - because it is so relaxing, giving you an immediate benefit. The times I got pregnant naturally I had been seeing a homeopath.
Having said that - you might just want to say 'to hell with it all' and get on with the rest of your life - a very healthy thing to do.
I find the ladies on this board are an inspiration. There is a life without children - and a very bright and fulfilling one.
Bernie xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

"There is a life without children - and a very bright and fulfilling one." - Here, here.... love, MM xxx


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