# Striving for fulfillness



## sidl02 (Jul 20, 2015)

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to share my story with you.  It might help some of you feel there's life after infertility or it might make some of you think I've gone absolutely insane   Either way, I thought it worth sharing.  

It hasn't been that long since I found out that further fertility treatment was futile and that I must finally come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to have children.  It has been painful, lonely, devastating, traumatic, frustrating, and with frequent feelings of failure and utter despair.  I don't need to go into further detail as the fact that you are reading this tells me that you are likely to be familiar with how this feels.

So just recently I really struggled with the thought of 'how am I going to be able to live a life that at the end I will be able to look back and feel fulfilled without ever having children'?  It's something that's almost impossible to consider achievable.  I would look at my friends who were mothers and think, 'no matter what life throws at you, however hard it will get sometimes, at the end of it all you will be able to look back and feel that your life has been fulfilled because you had children, you brought them into the world and experienced all that it brings'.  So how on earth was I going to substitute that with something that I could look back on and feel fulfilled too?  It seemed like an impossible challenge but it was either find an answer or spend the rest of my days grieving over what cannot be.  I know that we are all different and we cope in our own way, but I refuse to spend the next however-many-years broken by something that I cannot fix.  

I should mention at this point that I'm 42 and single, which has brought it's own set of additional challenges, and that I appreciate that each of our circumstances are different.  But for me it was a question of using my childlessness and lack of commitment to anybody else to its full advantage.  Trying to turn all these heartbreaking negatives into something positive and purposeful.

So, what did I decide to do you're probably asking yourselves??  Well, I sold my house and my furniture and I bought a motorhome.  Yes, you read that correctly, I bought a motorhome!   Now it's either the most genius idea I have ever had or I'm going through one hell of a mid life crises. It's too early to tell at this stage. But hear me out.  We are all expected to conform, to have a house, things to put in it, a car, pay our rent/mortgage, our utility bills, council tax etc etc and then enjoy as much as we possibly can on whatever is leftover after all our outgoings.  So I was sat there one evening thinking, 'I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.  I don't need this stuff.  When have I ever gone to bed and thought 'oooh, i love my dining room table and chairs''!!  So, after much careful deliberation I sold all my stuff, and my house, and opted for a 4 berth motorhome with all the mod cons.  I now have no mortgage and no bills and am free to go anywhere I want.  I run my own business and have staff to enable me to take a couple of days off here and there.  I can be somewhere with a view of the mountains or a lake or in the countryside.  And better still, I can take my nieces and nephews to France, Spain, anywhere we want to go and that creates memories that when I look back on it all I'll have found at least some  fulfillness.  Not exactly what I had planned or ever envisaged, but at least I didn't let this take over my life.  

I appreciate this isn't everyones cup of tea and that this isn't an option for a lot of people.  But I just wanted to share it with you all the same as we have all been going through this most difficult of journeys and I just think any positive experiences are worth of reading about.

I hope you all find your fulfilness.  

Andrea xx


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## Clairemariearan (Nov 5, 2015)

Hi Andrea

I think this idea sounds incredible and you're a genius to do it! I 100% agree with you about not conforming.

I don't have the resources to do something similar and I'm married so it's not as easy to pack up my life, but I loved reading your post.

We started our childfree journey on the 1st July this year and I've spent a lot of time thinking about all the possibilities this could open up for us once we're free of the ivf debt (which is staggering and I'm trying not to feel sick and resentful about). Mostly our ideas are about starting dream careers or setting up our own business. I just need to find your courage!

I wish you every success and happiness.xx


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## sidl02 (Jul 20, 2015)

Hi Claire,

Wow, thank you so much for your lovely and supportive message.  I know its not an option for a lot of us but I really enjoy hearing about other peoples positive methods of coming to terms with something that is so difficult to cope with. 

I love that you are thinking about your own ways of moving forward by focusing on your career or starting your own business.  It will never truly replace your loss but it's a positive step at gaining back control of your life and not letting these heartbreaking circumstances swallow you up.

I truly sympathise with your position with regards your ivf debt.  It's an additional cruel blow that you do not deserve.  As I was single and using donor sperm I wasn't eligible for NHS treatment.  I found this unfair. My desperate yearning to be a mother was and is no less than any other woman, with or without a partner.  I only managed to pay my debt off due to me selling up and buying the motorhome. Otherwise it would have taken me another 4 years.

I want to wish you all the luck with your future plans and hope that when you are debt free you and hubby can treat yourselves to something nice and you go on to start your business and it proves a huge success.  Go for it!

Best Wishes,
Andrea xx


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