# Feeling a bit shaken



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi all

I've just had an email from our SW (5 weeks after our Celebration Hearing) so it's come a bit out of the blue ...  

She wants to come to talk to us about the later life letter and "issues of contact"....... issues of contact!!! I know our first letterbox is due could she mean that? There is also a baby sibling (which we haven't told our dd about yet... she wouldn't understand and we are not in a position to adopt the sibling for various reasons.....) something to do with them?

And a visit to our house! I am past SW's! I feel a bit upset.  

I've emailed her back to suggest a time when our DD will be at school (she will freak out seeing a SW - it's made me freak out a bit so I can't imagine how she'll feel as we did the whole goodbye thing at the Celebration hearing).

Did anyone else have this?

I guess the best thing to do would be to phone the SW, but I can't psyche myself up to do this! When will we be left alone? When will we be 'normal'?!   

Sorry, feeling hormonal as well and someone at work has just announced a surprise pregnancy which has oddly knocked me for six as well as this..... Bad day!

Thanks for reading xxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

From experience and chats about after the AO with our 2nd child, I'd say it is fairly normal to have a visit from SW with life story stuff after the AO as very few, if any, get given books at the AO as there should be a photo from the celebration day included.  
Re issues of contact, it may simply be that they want to check you are OK with writing your letter or if you want help.  Have you signed a letterbox agreement?  If you have then that will be how it stands.  I take it you don't have a contact order by the courts?  If you do then that makes it pretty clear to.  If just a letterbox agreement between you, the agency and BPs, you have the right to chose to stop at any time if its not in your DDs best interests.  BPs may request photos, cards or to send them but it is up to you what you accept and send.
When will SWs stop?  NOW!  With the AO granted DD is your child and the SWs can only come into your home by invitation from you, they cannot force a visit.  Would you feel happier going to the office?  Definitely have the visit without DD being there, far too unsettling for her after the finality of the AO.
When will you be normal?  Probably never but you do get pretty close to it most of the time 
Try not to worry, you are in charge of things now.
OT x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Thanks Old Timer.

I had to phone our SW to arrange a date (too time consuming with emails going back and forth). She wants to speak about contact with her sib and the later life letter draft to see if we need to change anything before the final version.

As for LB, it's between a member of family on BM's side and a member of family of BF's side not direct to BP's and definitely NO photos. The LA are the intermediaries.

Am feeling much calmer now - thank you.  It just took me by surprise and threw me.... I know logically she is OURS but after years of SW's in our house, it's taking some getting used to!!

Thanks so much xx


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi jitterbug,

I just want to say I know exactly how you are feeling   

Not exactly the same situation, but we had a call out of the blue from a sw (not ours or our lo's) (about a year post placement) and her message was quite cryptic on our answer phone. We went through all sorts of emotions prior to getting back in touch with her, imagining all sorts! Including a new birth sibling arriving etc etc. When we managed to reach her it was actually about our little boy's life story book (which we still hadn't received at that point!) but by that point we had really worked ourselves up!   
She came to visit shortly after to discuss the final bits and pieces she wanted to add and our little boy was there on this occasion as we felt it only fair for her to meet him seeing as she had taken over his book and put so much work into it. We felt that he wouldn't read anything into one isolated visit. However, we made sure that he was at his Grandma's for the next visit when she came to bring the finished article as we felt that at the age he was he could missinterpret the 2nd visit. Seeing her once was fine but as it followed the pattern of most sw visits, a 2nd time may have unsettled him and he may have misinterpreted things as mentioned.
We had at that point had our hearing quite a while before, so like you, had put all sw involvement behind us and had nicely settled into the swing of 'normal family life'.
It seems totally irrational and illogical now but we both felt really 'out of sorts' with ss suddenly being (albeit briefly) back in our lives (and it really was brief, just 2 visits and the involvement was for a nice reason ie/to bring LSB). 
It took us a while to shake the feeling and we were unsettled for a while prior to her visits knowing we had them 'hanging over us'.

I suppose the old feelings that had been forgotten ie, of us/our lo/our home being judged, assessed etc just all came back for a brief time and we resented it a bit as it unsettled our feeling of security for a short while. That's the only way I can describe it.

OT pretty much covered what the visit may be about and I agree, I'm sure it's really straightforward and nothing to worry about   

I just wanted to reply as I can totally identify with how you are feeling as our call and visits were even further down the line. It's not something you can explain to people who haven't been through the process as it would just sound daft, but I totally know what you mean!

Not long now and you WILL be left alone and you WILL be able to just settle into 'regular family life'   

Anj x x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Thank you.  DH and I both had a 'moment' the other day, and that's exactly it... being transported 'back there'.

She wants to talk about the draft later life letter and as we suspected contact with half sib. (was going to tell her about the half sib this week, but as it happens we've regressed a little due to rubbish routine over Easter etc). Our SW was pushing for us to tell her, but we've done a lot of life story work recently (at our DD's instigation) that the baby half sib would be a step too far and we know our DD better than our SW does so we're leaving it until we feel she's ready.

Gosh a year down the line..... I can imagine you were beside yourself......

Thanks so much. This board is ace. Kate xx


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