# Health criteria: I probably will regret asking this....!!!



## Puggle (Mar 3, 2016)

Hi All,

OK  here goes. We are a same sex couple, DW can't get pregnant due to health probs, I've had 3 unsuccessful IVF's we are scraping our money together for a fourth IVF but after that we will be out of money.   
So... we've always talked about adoption, and the only reason we tried IVF first was because we were concerned that we would not get approved due to health, but seeing as our bodies seem determined to say no to pregnancy, its making us think again. Maybe we would be in with a chance at adoption?

But here's the thing, I'm worried its going to be a No straight from the off due to health/disability issues. DW has Carcinoid syndrome (a rare type of cancer) and after some bodged radioactive treatment she has kidney failure. She's had it 10 years and the disease is stable, but she is unwell and she is disabled by it. And if that were not enough I've got some mental health dxs too...

It was in fact DW's oncologist who suggest she adopt (after we talked about the treatment that went wrong leaving her infertile and without working kidneys), so presumably he would offer a supportive reference about her, but maybe he is just super naiive about the adoption process, I really don't know! 

The idea of us not being able to have a family together is unbearable, do you think we would have a chance?

I'm really scared the answer might be no (but Im NOT ready to face it)... xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi Puggle,
Lots of people adopt with various disabilities and illnesses. You would be assessed on your ability to parent and care for a child. If your dw's disabilities prevent her doing certain aspects of care then ss would want to see a robust plan as to how you work around that and deal with those instances. They also look to see the stability of any illnesses etc and will look at things like life expectancy. Obviously these children have already experienced significant loss so they won't place a child with a parent if there's a high chance that they will lose that parent, it's not fair on them to take that on board. 
In regards to mental health issues a huge number of adopters have been through things like depression not least because of their life experiences that gave usually brought them to adoption. Again they will want to see issues are under control and that you recognise any triggers and have a good support system in place to help you with any difficulties.
Adoption is very challenging, the first hurdle will be finding an agency that will take you on (not necessarily because of medical grounds but lots of agencies aren't taking on adopters looking at certain age ranges of children because they have more adopters than children already). The next hurdle is then the panel agreeing to your sw's recommendation that you be approved and then you will have to convince a child's sw that you are the best couple over and above anyone else for a particular child. It's a very testing process and not for the faint hearted but obviously the rewards are indescribable.


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## Puggle (Mar 3, 2016)

Just realised, another thing I worry they will look down on is I am technically adopted myself. I'm not in contact with adopted father (mother passed), so I wonder if they will disapprove of that... 
And another thing! DW was on some kind of child protection register when she was a teenager for a time (I think it was only temporary) will they find out about that? Her father was on the s.o. register for a while but I think he's off it now, will they know? 

OK this feels more and more like a hopeless case....


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## Puggle (Mar 3, 2016)

becs40 thanks for your reply, it just came up when I was typing the other thing. You don't make it sound hopeless from the start so thats a good thing... But it sounds really hard. If they are going to say no to approval do they do it fairly early on? I just don't know on the life expectancy front. The doctors always tell us they just don't know. I don't know if that would be a good enough answer for a social worker? As for me, again, it really depends what they mean by under control..... I can't promise not to have anymore episodes (wish that I could though!).....
this feels really scary and tough....x


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

You being adopted yourself will be seen as a positive as you will be in a position to understand how a child may be feeling.
With regard to dw's father, it is something you should declare, they would probably find out as their checks are thorough. Again this will depend in the nature of why he was on it, when etc and how close a relationship they have now.
Most agencies will ask you to go to an information evening to find out about the process, the children and the kind of problems you may need to deal with. Then if you wish to go further they will do an initial visit and go over your lives in an overview but no great depth st this point. After this visit they'll be able to advise you if they think it's not something you can take further or if you can what are likely to be the things that can cause a problem so to focus on those areas to address their concerns.


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Quick one from me. My OH was diagnosed with testicular cancer a month after we went to approval panel. Fortunately after surgery his tumor levels came down - eventually - back to normal. His medical had to be updated and returned to the agency medical adviser. The consultant was written to and provided a risk assessment which was all positive. 
So long as you are confident that the medical professionals can fight your corner turn in that respect you *should* be OK.
Be up front with the sw - theyve pretty much heard it all!!


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## Puggle (Mar 3, 2016)

Hi guys thanks for your replies 
You are being really positive and to be honest I half imagined that people would say no way you shouldn't even be considering it!! So thanks. Must say I still feel a fair bit on the hopeless side...
Becs, I know they ought to see me being adopted as good life experience, its just the fact the my adoption broke down when I was a teenager, they are bound to ask loads of questions about that, and the fact that all I can say is for me being adopted was a bad thing that eventually had a bad outcome, and I will somehow have to find a way of putting a positive spin on that to the social worker..... As for DW's father... What he was on it for? Well in this scenario probably the worst possible reason. Not sure what the board rules are on this on this matter so won't give specifics, It was 15 years ago, and DW is still very close with him. Crazy how these things can work in families... Would she have to cut contact with him?
Helend thanks for your message, Im sorry you went through all that. It sounds like things are OK for your OH now? Im glad it had a good outcome and that is a very heartening message. DW will never be cured sadly but perhaps if her consultant gives a positive message about how long the disease is stable for that will be enough...

Thanks guys.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Puggle I don't know what ss would say in regards to your dw's father, only they can make that call when they're in possession of the full facts.
In regards to your adoption breakdown it is something that will still be seen as positive because you will have a much higher understanding of what can go wrong. They'll ask you to look at what went wrong in your case and hopefully by you knowing this it will enable you to help a child more by not repeating the scenarios that led to your adoption breakdown if that makes sense.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

As others have said, lots of things can be seen as positives. The two areas I think are likely to cause concern are 
1) life expectancy/ stability of condition -a child who has been uprooted many times and adult carers disappearing from their lives will need stability. You need to think about how you can evidence how you manage any restrictions due to the condition and what support you have in place.

2) the dad on a safeguarding register. You need to prove you can and will keep your new son/daughter safe at any cost. If your FiL has any child related conviction you MUST tell them right from the beginning about everything to do with the case -don't hold back any information as honesty is much valued. If he was deemed to be a risk you would be expected to potentially have no contact at all with him BUT every situation is different and SWs consider everything in a case by case situation. 

You won't know what happens unless you try -best of luck. x
You need to also think about which organisation to go through (local authority or Voluntary Agency) as they may give different responses.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Puggle, can I just add that yesterday I was up for 16hrs with my good friend and her wife, helping her welcome their little boy into the world. 
It took a long time and they used a private sperm donor at home. They suffered two losses over the course of 2yrs and her wife also tried unsuccessful cycles. They despaired and were ready to call it a day as they couldn't take the heartbreak of failures any longer. On the cycle that actually worked, they had been away and thought they'd waited too long to get and use the donor, that it was a wasted cycle but there's the most beautiful little boy with them now who proves otherwise. 

If you're planning another cycle, then it seems that you're not ready to give up yet and that's another aspect of adopting that you need to be clear on- that you have had 6mths -1yr since your last treatment and have come to terms with not having biological children if that had been your wish.


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## Puggle (Mar 3, 2016)

Hi Becs and arrows,

thank you for all your insight. We are planning another cycle but after that we will be all out of cash, so realistically it will be our last cycle. It would be so much easier if we could think to ourselves that adoption would be an option for us, but the feeling that we would be unsuccessful in adopting too...? That thought is too much to bare. It was never important to either of us that child be genetically related to us, I think thats much less of a concern for some f/f couples, as you know from the start a child could never be genetically linked to both of you! Actually the wife always used to say she wanted to both adopted and bio children.
The fact is DW is a very poorly girl indeed, even if it were not for her father's crimes (so unfair she has to pay for them twice), and my mental illness, even if we got round those hurdles, her condition is quite debilitating. I know for a fact that if we are blessed with a baby that we will manage and she will be a wonderful mum. She will have to do things differently to some mums its true, but she would make up for that in other ways and there are two of us in it together so we'd get there. But with all the challenges we face I just really worry we would not be accepted to adopt. I mean, we almost got denied access to our NHS IVF cycle due to my mental health dx. I challenged them on it of course and we got our treatment, but its left me feeling there are people in the world who really don't want us to have a family.
Its difficult to have much in the way of hope right now!

Ok Im sorry to moan so much.  thanks x


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Puggle you do certainly have some obstacles but most people do to be honest. The way your feeling is also pretty common too. A lot come to adoption through infertility so they've felt the same struggles that everything is against them.
We didn't qualify for NHS Ivf because of my weight (mainly due to a pituitary tumour which makes it almost impossible for me to lose weight, and certainly would never be able to get to anywhere remotely near the NHS criteria.) so we had the weight issue, the tumour, my fil was also losing his long term partner to cancer whilst we were being assessed so we were his main support, his mental health is quite bad so we also had to take on power of attorney for him and sort out his property which was uninhabitable, derelict and crammed with years of hoarding. All these things were things that our sw raised as concerns due to how much we were already dealing with and how could we cope with a child on top etc. 
Fertility struggles naturally bring out the pessimism and negativity in most people and it's not until you start going through the adoption process in my opinion that starts to lift and things start to look more positive.
Good luck with however you proceed.


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