# Advice needed!!!



## Davidaa11 (Jul 22, 2011)

Hi FFers,

I am at a crossroad and need some advice here.......I don't know if this is the right place to post this on, but since I have posted on the endo section, I felt it ok to post it here?  Moderator, please move to relevant place if not here.  

My apologies if it is a bit too long, I just felt to turn here as my friends will not understand as I have come to learn from talking with them (they are married and have kids and think I should do the same........they do not know that they are lucky to have these that some of us do not get so lucky! anyway, sorry for digressing a bit )!  

DP and I have been together for 4.5years, of which we have been trying for 4years.  We are not married (he had already emphasised that we will go on to that once we have a child.  Initially, I had some misgivings about this but at 35 then, I didn't want to leave the relationship because of that and I wanted a baby too.  Four years down the line, we are still trying............series of tests, laparoscopy, AMH (me), sperm analysis (him), his swimmers are really good, and he also has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous relationship).  We both know that the issue is from me (adenomyosis, low AMH (6.0).  Our relationship was smooth and happy in the first year but we started having problems after this, there is this former girlfriend of his who he still maintains contact with (his excuse is that he is helping her with some visa issues and there is nothing between them anymore, but she calls him everyday even at odd times of the night!).  His explanation is that if he has anything to do with her, he wouldn't be going through all the tests and fertility appointments with me.  We have broken up several times, only to come back again.  One of our break up was because I found fresh semen in a condom in his bed............. (shocking and heartbreaking!) ....when I confronted him, he apologised profusely and explained that it was just a fling, that if he wanted a child with someone else, he wouldn't be using a condom with the person.  I have tried internet websites to see if I can find someone else but none suitable came up, all the while I am thinking of my ticking biological clock and I want a child desperately (which is why I always go back to him).  

We eventually started treatments in January (IUI) but it didn't work, I am currently having gonapeptyl injections till April after which I go in for IVF in May/June.  We had a major row last weekend (yes, you guessed right! caught him talking on the phone with a woman at midnight, just after we got back from visiting a friend who just had a baby!).  I felt he is so cruel, when I asked him who he was talking to, he wouldn't say.  I walked him out of my house and told him it was over this time (and I hope to keep it this way).  I have endured all of this because I wouldn't know what to do if my fertility treatment comes up and I don't have a partner.  I sometimes think he is being with me out of pity, just to make it appear that he is not abandoning me but would rather be with someone who doesn't have my fertility issues.  This time, I have decided that I will go it alone (by using donor sperm) but I don't know where to start from?  My IVF scheduled for May is NHS funded and all the paperwork have him as my partner, can I know go back to them and say that I intend to use donor sperm?  Will I still be eligible for NHS funded treatment if I use donor sperm?  I don't want to lose this chance (the only one they were able to offer as I turn 40 in July).  Moreover, how do I source for donor sperm?  Please FFers, I need some advice desperately. Thank you for reading to this point!

Many thanks, 
Davidaa.


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Very sorry to hear that you have serious trust issues in your relationship     

It very much depends on your local PCT's criteria whether you would be eligible for NHS treatment as a single woman. Many places require you to be in a stable relationship of 2 years duration. To be honest I am surprised you are getting funding anyway as in my locality the fact that my DH had a previous child in a previous relationship meant we were excluded.

If you do need donor sperm, then there is often a shortage and a long waiting list on the NHS and you would have to discuss with them whether they have an available donor and if not and they are still willing to treat you in the summer that you will be allowed to buy donor sperm yourself and import it to them from another clinic or from abroad (european sperm bank or Xytex are two that have been used by some I know here).

If you have to go privately you have to find a clinic that has available donors and will treat single women. I had treatment at the London Women's Clinic and they have the London Sperm Bank for patients. There are 4 branches of the clinic around the country. If you go to one of their ''Inseminars'' it is a good place to start with finding out more about the process. By attending there was a large discount off the first appointment if you booked it on the day when I went.
Another friend of mine was treated at Holly House - a branch of the Bridge Centre.

Good luck on deciding what to do.


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## Davidaa11 (Jul 22, 2011)

Many thanks, Holly.  I will contact my PCT and find out what the criteria are.
Glad to be able to share this with someone.

Much appreciated.

Davidaa.


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