# How has 'IF' Changed YOU?????



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Girls

I think sometimes we feel guilty that we feel a certain way because of this IF journey and how its changed us in different ways...I was wondering if we could write about our experiences so that we can identify that we are not alone, in how this has changed us in all different ways...

My story over the years !!!!...

Well IF had brought out so many emotions that i never knew possible. It may me feel very envious about anyone who got pregnant and had babies..
I felt angry with the world and isolated and i forever asked the question 'why me' ?.
I felt frustration because no one seemed to understand except a couple of close friends...I wanted to scream at them don't you understand the pain of all of this..
The running away from births, christenings and the effect that it has had on my relationships with friends and families.
The friends that i have lost through IF.
The sickness and gut renching feeling of being told your friend/family members are pregnant and the suffering that takes over your life for weeks on ends....
The failure of going through treatment and the reality starting to set in, that it wasn't going to work or us.
The unbearable feeling of not being able to face life without children....
The feeling of being left out when you are not part of the gang of women who have children...
Not knowing yourself and your relationship...

The positive sides of all of this....my depth of feeling for other people's pain not just with infertility, but other sad events in life...
The stength that you find to move forward...
My relationship is about us two, we cannot hide behind anything and that can be difficult at times...
Learning to enjoy life again...
Starting to apprieciate the free time and choosing what i want to do....
Taking each day at a time and accepting that the pain doesn't go away but you learn to live with it....thats the hardest part....
Learning to ignore people going on about their children and enjoying a good old chinwag..
Starting to identify what you want in life and not pleasing others...i.e going to christenings etc...learning not to give a uuummmm because i don't want to go i won't...

What are your thoughts...
love astridxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Astrid, your post sums everything up!!! (sent you a pm by the way!)

Here is mine in a list:

Anger(at other pg people and bumps/ also others not understanding)

Sadness(at no babies and also the loss of who i was!)

Fear(that i will never have grandchildren as well as children. Also the feeling when you are waiting to hear others are pg or getting invited to Christenings/ childrens' bdays.)

Envy/Jealousy (especially for those who happen to have it all fall into their laps so easily!!!- Especially a girl who has just returned today from maternity leave who has always been a smug cow!!!! Sorry! )

Positives:

Empathy for others and difficult situations.

Dont think i can add any more positive ones ath the moment!

Needed the rant tho!!!


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Astrid,

Your post nearly moved me to tears .......

I am in the middle of painting just now but I will come back to this - would like some time to think this through properly before I answer ....

Good post though,
Love to all 
Gill xo


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

For me all the plus’ and the minus’ boil down to a previously unknown depth of understanding.

I would never have imagined the emotional extremes involved in discovering our infertility, the hope and anxiety of IVF, the intense sorrow of failure and the overwhelming joy when it succeeded, the devastation of miscarrying and the challenge of trying to figure out how to live happily child-free.

My sense of self worth took a battering and for a time I felt I’d lost my identity as a woman but I am infinitely more compassionate and less materialistic than I was at the beginning of all this.


----------



## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Brilliant post Astrid ... like Gill I am going to take some time to really ponder this before answering 

love Dydie xxx


----------



## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

What a lovely post Astrid, it made me cry. You really hit the nail on the head. 
I'm on nights at the moment so feel pretty emotional anyway, so like Dydie and Gill, will think about things and post later  xxxx


----------



## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Astrid,

What a lovely, honest post.

I am sitting here in tears after reading it.

Laine


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Astrid,

I can totally appreciate what you are saying here.

Like you, I feel my story is so sad, and yet there are a few positives to come out of this.  Here is my expeience:

NEGATIVE

1. Frustration at sitting in yet another b***dy waiting room AGAIN, doctors running late AGAIN, and knowing it's probably all for nothing AGAIN
2. Frustration at sitting in yet another waiting room, in another clinic, in another town, in another country ......
3. Frustration at no-one knowing or understanding my depth of pain ...... and (very sadly) wishing one/some of my friends could experience this so that they come back and say, "God, I didn't understand how bad this was for you .........I'm sorry I didn't support you more ....."
4. Extreme sadness as I continue to compare my life and my future...... to that of other Mum's/families
5. Feeling like a failure, feeling like I'm not a "woman", 
6. Frustration at God for giving me a womb, ovaries, periods, boobs, but no baby
7. Anger at the world - and road rage at everyone for no apparent reason
8. Lonliness as I walk into town on my own, without a buggy ......
9. Guilt for not being able to give my wonderful, loving, supportive DH the family he so deserves ....
10. Guilt for not being able to give my parents the grandchildren they deserve
11. Extreme jealousy and frustration at pregnancy/birth news - feeling that others don't "deserve" it like I do ...
12. Increasing self-righteousness - condemning family/friends who are mothers for feeding their children "rubbish".  I have seen many friends/family members regularly feed their children with microwave meals, "pop tarts", frozen pizza & chips, far too many sweets, rubbish.  It breaks my heart to see beautiful healthy children get pumped full of rubbish CONSTANTLY and unfortunately makes me very judgemental and jealous thinking, "If I was a mother, I would make sure my children were fed with wholesome, healthy food.  Why won't God give me a child when I KNOW I could look after one better than this ...?"  (Awful I know - oops)
13.  Like all of you I'm sure ..... Christmas has changed so much.  It's the cards for me.  Receiving the cards is like receiving a slap in the face and another pang of pain.  8 years of receiving cards from friends who started off as "2" and have too quickly all become "3" or even "4" .... and we are STILL writing, "love, Gill & Stu" and STILL can't tell our children Santa comes down the chimney ...... so, so sad.
14.  Less confident - I am increasingly dreading nights out where there are "strangers" to get to know, most of whom are mothers and the inevitible conversations come up making me feel so incompetent and left out like a complete stranger, an outsider who doesn't "belong" anywhere really ...
15.  ASTOUNDED - at how much IF affects ALL aspects of your life ie.  Work & colleagues, Homelife, House choices, Relationship with DH, Relationship with friends, relationship with family, career decisions, health decisions.   
16.  Now feeling so scared of the future and constantly worrying about being lonely in future  (What if something dreadful - GOD FORBID - happens to DH and I have nothing to get up in the morning for?)  instead of embracing and looking forward to the future.  

ON THE POSITIVE ...... ( are there REALLY any ?)

1.  Like Astrid, this whole experience has made me much more empathetic towards people in this and other difficult situations
2.  It has helped "weedle" out the genuine friends from the ones that I didn't even realise never cared THAT much
3.  It has really, really, really, strengthened the relationship between me and my wonderful DH.  Nothing could ever touch us now ...
4.  If it wasn't for all this, I wouldn't ever have considered doing a counselling course and ultimately, being able to help others
5.  I don't have saggy tits and stretchmarks, 
6.  I AM a strong, determined, sexy woman without a "Mumsy" image
7.  It has made me stronger and more assertive (ie.  I now have the strength to "pass on" the baby photos to the next person without even looking at them.  If "friends" have the addassity to do that to me in public, I now have the "addassity" to pass them on .....  I now have the strength just to "not bother" replying to e-mails sent from "friends" that never normally contact me, only to announce their pregnancies.
8.  DH and I can just "get up and go" whenever, wherever
9.  Watch out - The world is our oyster, we are "free"    

It has astounded me how emotional it is to put all this to paper.  Maybe one day, I shall write a book.  there's certainly plenty to write about .......

Love to all
Gill xo


----------



## Fidget (Jan 27, 2005)

Hi,


I have been 'lurking' for a likkle while but just had to say................

 Gill feels like you looked into my brain and wrote what you saw!!   I couldnt have put any of that better myself and is exactly how it feels!!!

Debs
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## mcoodle (Jun 15, 2005)

Fantastic thread and fantastic posts ladies.........

Like Debs.......I feel like you've read my mind Gill............sat here at work so choked........ 

As I sit here, in the last two hours, my closest friend at work has just dashed off as his g/f is about to give birth to their 2nd, my b/friend just e-mailed to say she really needs to meet up as she has something to tell me (and we can guess what that is), I have received 2 e-mails from old colleagues complete with pictures of their new babies and one of my customer just called to say she is expecting her first baby.........Jeez......somedays, dontcha just want to curl up and sleep forever...... 

Love and luck to you all 

Lisa xxxxx


----------



## Luc (Jan 30, 2006)

girls, 

i am sitting here with tears pouring down my face. i empathise with everythig you have said. how could anyone who hasnt been thru this ever understand. i know i never could have if i hadnt experienced it. i also have an empathy for other peoples sadness i could never have had b4. mcoodle, i just wish we could move to a child free world or live in a bubble. 

Lucy


----------



## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

mcoodle - I could sit and howl at your signature dunno about anything else

Big hugs ladies 
Nix
x


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Gill and girls
I read your posting last night, but had problems sending you a reply...
I just wanted to say that it really touched me...i can see that it really must have been hard for you and painful to write these things down..
It was honest and i felt so sad by all of this IF and what it can actually do to our lives...
Thankyou so much for sharing this with us....
I just wanted to say the positives of your life now were really really beautiful statements....
lots of love astridxxx


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

...... even the "saggy tits?" one ?

Ha-Ha!!

Thanks Astrid, I actually found it very therapeutic.  Just want to print it off and give a copy to all my friends ..........mm - second thoughts, maybe that's not such a good idea!!

Love to all
Gill xo


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hey don't worry about the tits!!! ha ha... 

Why not print it off your list and maybe send it to family and friends when you are ready...if they care Gill they will want to understand!!!


love astridxx


----------



## blueeyes (Jun 19, 2004)

Hi thank you so much for this thread.

The posts are so echoing my feelings and it is wonderful to share such raw and powerful emotions with people that understand.

I will not go into detail because you have expressed the changes that occur so eloquently, but I am so resentful of how IF has changed me..............

I feel like I have a core of lead weight within my heart, a deep sadness that I cannot begin to express to the people around me even DH (we have severe male factor problems).
I used to be an open and cheerul person, nothing ever really got me down for long. I loved going out and now i dread meeting new people and old aquaintances. 
Now I feel paralysed emotionally and am like a rabbit in headlights when people say "you've been married for ages when are you having kids" or less politely "you do know how to do it don't you"!!! 

I could go on for hours but thank you so much for being here and understanding it means so much

Blueeyes


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Blueeyes
So sorry that i missed your posting...i am glad to read that you got something from this thread...
I can understand the deep sadness that you feel and how you feel in regards to this whole IF journey...
The way it changes you and the heartache and pain that you have to endure to get to find some sort of peace....which is so flipping hard to get to...
The pressure from families and friends and just being your old self....I hope with time you will find some peace and although IF does change you,. There are some new changes that you will most likely come to like about yourself in the future.. 
Take care
love astridxx


----------

