# Why do people do this?



## gibson335 (Dec 14, 2005)

Hi,

I don't find it easy to come on and give support to others as I still feel quite raw but I am so grateful for the comfort this thread gives me. I just wanted to share something which has been like another kick in the teeth on this journey and verbally scream at the injustice of it all. Two sets of close friends of my DH have been out of touch recently and we have been open about our infertility so never imagined it could be that. Poor DH just thought they were really busy. Instead they have used Christmas as an excuse to eventually tell us...not that their respective wives are pregnant - but that they had actually had babies...both sets of friends. I am so angry on DH's behalf that they both kept the pregnancies secret throughout as if our IF was in some way infectious. Even in the phone call not one of them made any mention of how we were doing...the big fat frog just sits there at the table and everyone pretends it is not there. Not only do we have to endure a continual conveyor belt of friends having children we are now being shut out because they are too embarrassed or frightened of our inability to join them. It is hard especially at this time of year and I am so drained by the insensitivity of people who expect us to rejoice in their good news yet find it impossible to offer any support in return. I know it is not their fault and I would never wish this on anyone but I know now these friends will drift away and I feel desperately sad for my DH.

What do you do in these situations? How do you find strength to tolerate it and still have a "Merry Christmas"?

Thank you all so much for being there when we need it most.

Gibson


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Because they are so wrapped up in their own little worlds and don't know what to do or say to make it any better. They aren't experiencing what you or I feel on a daily basis (several times a day) they can't understand our grief. They may have thought that they were doing the right thing to protect your feelings?
My DH can't even understand my grief, so how can others? My DH says he can't do the homework that our counsellor has set because he can't grieve for something that never existed. Well to me, and I am sure to you, the baby was there, laying in our arms for years and years in our minds, and we never thought it was going to be so hard to achieve, and even harder still to say goodbye to our dream.
I welled up with tears in a shop yesterday where there were cribs, and again today twice due to TV stories on babies and pregnancies.
Our friends and family are all churning out babies right now too. It doesn't get any easier hearing the announcements or jokes about getting the snip because 3 is enough! 
Luckily our friends have had the courtesy to tell us early on, but I still screamed and cried for hours. One was especially hard to come to terms with, because she was so not bothered and then sailed through. A couple of the others have had m/c and understand my loss more.
I have read far too much into invitation rejections and have always thought it was because I was so upset initially. I have come to terms with it now and I am "Auntie" Hazel to several babies and it brings me great joy. Of course I am still jealous and upset at times, but I have admitted to my friend how difficult it was to accept and now she understands.

Have you asked the friends why they did not tell you? Have you told them that you felt hurt?
At the end of the day, we often feel like we do because we let ourselves feel that way (I am a fine one to talk as I let myself feel pretty lousy a lot of the time). Try to rise above it and see if you can see it in your heart to get to know these babies. I know it is hard, but my "niece and nephew" bring me at least some happiness, and I could not be without my friends - which is the choice. At least I have an excuse to buy baby clothes and I get to babysit and get a glimpse of what I would otherwise miss out on.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Gibson 

Its happened to me and my DH too - even my sister in law (actually its outlaw) had a baby and we never knew until 7.5 weeks after the event - then my mother in law (another out law) blamed it on me for not seeking out my SIL to find out when my nephew had arrived - erm, they had moved house and changed their phone numbers so how were we supposed to contact them  and I felt so bad for my DH as it was his brother and wife who did this to him/us! Its also happened to us with other so-called friends too - one whom I bumped into when she was 6 months pregnant - another who has moved house and sends us christmas cards every year with another new name on there - I have no way of getting in touch with this person, its maddening!

I've learned along the years that its other peoples' issues here hon, the fact is for whatever plethora of reasons they couldn't/wouldn't mention anything in the first place means that something along the way prevented them - and that something is to do with *them* not your DH or you.

Of course its another stab to you both - your DH because these are supposed to be his friends, you because you are hurting so badly for your DH and yet again it smacks of the isolation of IF. My heart goes out to you both because its things like this that make the whole IF rollercoaster that little bit harder to trundle along, its another reminder that people whom we thought we knew don't see things the way we do and omit telling us thinking it will be more 'helpful' when the reality is it makes us feel even more alienated.

You ask if we still find the strength to have a merry christmas? For me personally, yes I do because I spent enough years feeling like half a person without a family of my own. For me, having a good christmas is my way of sticking my proverbial two fingers up at the rest of my so-called friends who have fallen by the wayside who think because I do not have children I only partially exist. I wouldn't give them the pleasure of being a miserable old grump, so I make sure I enjoy this time of year and make the most of the time off work. Of course, I don't expect you or anyone else to feel this way - I've been travelling this road a long time. I just wanted you to know that some of us have been there where you are right now and that we empathise with you.

This time of year is particularly hard for those who don't have children.

Keeping you in my thoughts and a gentle  to you with a dash of  for the insensitive nitwits - argh!

Much love
Emcee xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello all!

It's a conversation I was having with my mum at the weekend.  She's so fed up (this year of all years, watching both her daughters struggle with infertility) with her so-called friends who don't get in touch all year, don't even let her know when they move, and then at Christmas send round robin letters with pictures of the latest grandchild, and great big 'happy family' photos of the entire family with the name and age of every baby.  She also left her art club recently because she was so fed up with the other members forcing their handbags full of grandchild pictures on her the whole time.

All I can say, is that it's good to have this forum to rant and rave on from time to time, so we can go out and face the insensitive and unfair world with good grace - and when we are feeling strong enough offer one another support and make a quiet stand for the alternative world as we know it!

Joanna X


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## gibson335 (Dec 14, 2005)

Hi Hazel, Emcee and Joanna... 

thank you so much for replying to my moan fest. I really was having such a bad time of it the other day and felt like it was never going to get better. Your words and shared experiences are a real comfort to me and my DH. Joanna I really feel for your mum as well, I never realised how far reaching the impact of this can be as in our families there are other grandchildren so not a lot of attention is paid to the fact we cannot have any. It is a shame that people can have such an impact on our day with their small comments and thoughtless gestures. I know all of you are right and that the problem is with them and not us and perhaps they do feel they are doing the right thing. I keep thinking how would I behave in their shoes but I find that now I have experienced IF I am much more careful about making remarks about people's personal lives in case I touch a nerve I did not know was there.

I am trying so very hard to have a good Christmas and not curl up and hide away from the world...yes it is hard and yes I am so jealous of all the woman who "moan" on a daily basis about having to go to their child's nativity but I have a great DH and a happy marriage whcih is a lot to celebrate.

Tahnk you ladies and I hope you all have a Happy Christmas.

Love
Gibson
xxx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

I've had this happen too, and at least twice the couples in question simply never contacted us again - we just hear on the grapevine that they had babies.  I think they just don't know how to tell us, maybe they're embarassed, whatever. I think it's worse when the couples themselves tell you - by the way, we had a baby. I can't imagine what goes through their minds!

It always helps knowing about the people on this board though, especially at tough times like christmas! xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Gibson,

Sorry I am so late to reply, it looks like the replies were supportive fo you. Sorry if I am repeating what I have said before, but I try to look at it this way - many friends are with us while we share experiences (age, background, hobbies, work ...) and when our lives take different paths we sometimes drift apart. Altough the initial break can be hard, once we are over it, going on seperately not detract from what we once shared. (A bit like old boyfriends we remember fondly even if they were not the "one.") 

I hope you and DH find that you have some true friendships that will last a lifetime. In the meanwhile, I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

LoL Jq xxx


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