# Should I laugh or cry?



## hilly35 (Feb 14, 2012)

I honestly don't know what to think of this. So today I was at a family event, lovely day. A friend of my dh arrived with her 3 kids, I know her but not overly well. She knows about the struggles we have gone through. So she started the conversation asking how my job was and telling me how lucky I am to get recognition, as her and the other mums at school gates are always saying how they get no recognition for being mums and it is the hardest job in the world. Yeah because I really want after 5 years of trying to conceive is a bit of recognition from my boss because that makes my life so much better! I mean seriously, I didn't even mention work.  She then proceeded to tell me she always thought I would be a nurse or and I swear to god she actually said this a mid wife!! Could you make that up! So I managed to make my escape. (By the way I work in an office job, no medical desire whatsoever, never has been!)
Later on she came up to me again whilst I was on my own and asked me how everything was going on the fertility front ( yeah because that's what I really want to talk about in an open place) anyway I told her we were starting treatment again hopefully late May, gave no more detail and then she had the audacity to say why did I not consider adoption at the same time. Oh my god, what makes people this thick. As if adopting a child should be some booby prize and not some long wanted dream. As if an adopted child is fine because any child is a child. When I explained to her that you need at least 12 months after a failed ivf to start the ball rolling on adoption she told me how wrong that was! When I asked her did she not think for the child concerned it might be a good idea to make sure the parent that adopted them wanted them with all their heart, was suitably prepared and vetted and didn't see them as a second place ivf failure. The mind boggles. I have SO much admiration for people who adopt, I know how lucky they are to find their adopted children and how lucky their children are to be found. How little she understands.  
She then told me that it took her almost a year to fall pregnant with her first and how if I was a little less stressed and obsessed (her words) that it would do the trick. When I said 3 failed iui's, 3 failed icsi cycles, over 40 eggs and not one embryo kinda made the medical profession think that we had an issue medically and it wasn't really down to the stress in our lives hopefully made her think! 
Seriously who the f7ck do these women think they are! First time I have cried in so long on the drive back and it was purely down to anger and frustration. I am absolutely astounded that she could think any of that helped me today! 
On a positive, despite her asking my dh for dates for us to come round for dinner he's agreed that for her own safety we ignore that invite!  
Sorry for rant, just had to off load.


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

She's not worth you frustration and tears. Obviously she needs some grains of salt. Just ignore her.


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

hilly35

These people just don't get it, they open their silly little mouths and let ill conceived sentences fall out, they don't think them through and they certainly don't know how they effect us.

Sadly, most of the time their hearts are in the right place!

The problem is until you experience IF you just don't get it, we live in a completely different world to the world they inhabit and really they should keep their mouths shut but if they don't know they don't know if that makes sense!

It reminds me of a the theme song to a cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid called Henry's Cat, it went "he knows everything about nothing, and not too much about that, if you know someone who knows what he knows then you must know Henry's Cat" there was also a meow at the end!

They don't live in our world babes, they simply cannot understand the pain and distress we feel!

It's  just not worth your tears, walk away next time and get your DH to step up his blocking, when these crazy people accost you it's his job to divert and distract them!

Hugs to you sweetie, for every idiot like her in the world there is an understanding FF on here to support you!

Pudding
X


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## Jelliebabe (Jan 14, 2011)

What a tit!


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## Tone (Apr 16, 2013)

Oh hilly, so sorry u r hurting. I know it's hard but just ignore her, she has no idea. I would say that it's because she hasn't been thru any fertility issues or Ivf but sadly that's not always true. A 'friend' of mine was incredibly insensitive when I wAs going thru issues and Ivf just as she was pregnant from having had Ivf herself! There is no end to people's ignorance and pudding is right, get ur dh to block these fools. Don't let it eat u up, unfortunately I did for a long time and it damaged no one but myself. Best of luck to u xxxx


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## Mogster (Nov 1, 2012)

People like this make me so angry. Why do they think they have the right to question you or give advice? Now if you happened to be friends with a top fertility doc then yes take all the free advice you can get. 

Unfortunately most people out there have no idea whatsoever and should learn to listen and not judge or push. When someone say something to me I'm often quite shocked and it's not until much later that I think of what I should of said in return. Now I find that I don't talk about it with anyone and people have more or less stopped asking questions. 

I do think some people don't know what to say and then say the wrong thing but in her case it doesn't sound like that. She sounds very much like someone to avoid like the other ladies have suggested.

Someone I avoid is a wife of a friends of my husband. She asked me about children a few years ago now and at the time we were having our first cycle of ICSI. I said maybe one day and she continued pushing for information telling me I shouldn't leave it too long etc. I politely said I didn't really want to talk about it and tried to change the subject. She took this as a hint to talk about her plans and when they were going to start trying so that she would have her baby by a certain date. She then turned it back to me and pushed and pushed and pushed until I snapped and said I've already told you I don't want to talk anout it as it's none of your business. I have avoided her ever since and only exchange polite greetings etc when our paths cross. Oh and by the way they started trying and she fell straight away and she had her baby exactly when she wanted.  

Someone who I don't avoid is one of my closest friends who once told me she knew how I felt as she had been trying to conceive for 6 months and it just wasn't happening and she was becoming stressed and upset that it may never happen. At that point she realised what she was saying and actually she didn't really know how I felt but had just had a glimpse into the disappointment as they were trying for baby number 3. Yes secondary infertility is hard but its a differnet situation and they hadnt been trying for that long. She backtracked a little and said she was sorry and that she could never truly understand but wanted me to know that she realised how incredibly hard it must be if she was feeling so bad in her situation and she couldn't imagine how it must be for me. This was just a friend offering sympathy and trying to be a little empathetic and getting her words jumbled. Oh she now has 4 kids and is thinking about number 5 and hasn't needed any fertility treatment!

Self preservation is what's needed and if that means avoiding people like this person then do it. It's a shame because you could give her so many lessons in people skills but it doesn't sound like she has anything to give to you.

Sorry it's such a long post but I wanted you to know what we all understand what you mean because unfortunately we have all been there and until people are more aware and see the real struggle and heartache that comes with IVF then this situations will continue to happen. Maybe you should post her a copy of The Persuit of Motherhood

Take care and look after yourself x


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## Pollywally (May 4, 2012)

I would have said to her 'if adoption is such an easy option then why didn't you adopt - seeing as its just the same as having children of your own'. Seriously adoption is NOT the same. Quite often children who are up for adoption come with a whole array of issues because of what they parents subjected them too. Why do the fertile expect us to adopt all the children when they can't be bothered to do the same! It infuriates me when I hear this comment. These same people often don't believe we should be allowed to have IVF either! I admire you for managing not to give her a slap in the face!


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## hilly35 (Feb 14, 2012)

Thanks ladies, all your replies are spot on. And you are so right she is not worth a second of my time. Total feckin eejit as my mother would say. Already over her and actually more astounded than hurt today that someone could be that totally thick. Thank god for the great women that are on here who keep their sanity and humour in the face of these imbeciles!


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

As someone said, there are people who do have experience with infertility,  but sometimes they don't get when it's time to stop talking or asking about other people with the same issues.
For ex, I have a close friend who has been trying for 8 years. The problem is from her and although they discovered some irregularities,  the diagnosis has not been established yet. I was by her side before i got married and later on, when i started the same journey. In my case, it was a male factor, but later on we discovered immune issues connected to my husband's antibodies. Anyhow, last year, after 3.5 years of trying and failures,  I got fed up from talking about this.and she is a kind of a person who kept asking me about my each appointment.  I mean, what to say - no need to talk about each appointment and follicle measurements. It started going on my nervous a lot. I mentioned this to our third close friend and I think, indirectly,  she told her I shouldn't be bothered by questions at the time when I was going through the process.  At that time, my treatment failed again...I didn't even reach the transfer because all the embryos showed abnormality.  I was very upset and didn't want to talk literally to anyone,  not even my mum. I don't know how many days after that, when I came home ( I had to go to another country because of the genetic testing), she called and told me like " I'm calling to ask about your embryos". I was very cold bbecause I couldn't believe somebody could be so stupid. I mean, if I didn't mention it, why did you? I told her " there's nothing to talk about.  All of them were abnormal". She said in a sense of as prayer like " may God give you healthy ones next time". This time, I didn't mention at all I was going all broad.  The good thing is that my husband has studies abroad, so I went with him. I didn't tell anyone, including her. She asked me several times when I was planning to do it. I told her I didn't know. Even she told me she dreamt about me being pregnant.  I just told her " from your lips into God's ears".and I myself don't ask her about her because I don't want to remind her. Sometimes I just tell her about new tests and doctors because her case seems to verify difficult,  but that's all.
I guess some people never get it.


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