# 4th ICSI BFN - end of road, feel awful!



## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

Hi,

Can't believe we've got to the end without so much as a chem preg m/c.  Of course I'm glad I've never had a m/c and don't wish to offend anyone but it seems so wierd that we never even get that far.

I was preg in a previous relationship, 15 years ago, and had a termination - the horrid surgeon shouted at me & told me "You stupid woman, you're not a teenager - this could be the only baby your body can produce".

Sadly he was right.  Horrid little man.

I've had lots of tests & DH's sperm is fine but I was told we were "unexplained".  Now they think it might be early menopause & that my eggs have been deteriorating for a while.

I just feel old & a huge failure - can you remember on Celeb Big B when Pete Burns called Rula Lenska a "dried up old husk", well that's me.  I can't help thinking that if DH was with a younger model he'd be a daddy by now.  I know he loves me but I feel I don't deserve him.

We've been offered the chance of donated eggs but I'm terrified in case they're wasted on me & also, we've already spent the best part of £20k this will take us way over.

I just wish this wasn't happening to me.

Sorry for the rant but I feel so cheated.

Jess xxx


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## Spangle122 (Sep 18, 2006)

Hi Jess 

I could not just read and leave. I am so sorry that you feel this is the end of your journey, it must be so hard and can not begin to image how you feel. 

It is so bad that doctor said what he did to you but you did what you thought was right at the time and unfortunatly for you this turned out to be a decision that you feel ended up being the wrong one.

Your DH loves you then that is really important for you to work together and talk about how you feel.

Would you consirder your other options, if you are not ready to give up and it is something you are both comfortable with you should try donor egg surely it is worth a go and at least if it did not work you can say you tried everything you could.......or you could end up with the beautiful baby you dream of!

I wish you all the luck, whatever you decide.

Good luck and try not to be hard on yourself - how do any of us know how our lives are gonna work out? I am sure all us ladies on here thought it would never be us!

LOL Spangle


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## cleo31 (Sep 24, 2006)

Hi Jess,

i'm really sorry to hear of your BFN hun, i've just had my 1st. 

It really is up to you, but if your not ready to give up tx then donor eggs could be the way forward.
Sorry that your dr 15 years ago was so horrid. 

I'm at the ISIS too!!!

Wishing you loads of luck

Cleo xxxxxxxxx


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## Pickle_99_uk (Dec 12, 2005)

Hi, 
So sorry to hear about what you've been through.  I too had an abortion a few years ago (in a previous relationship) and now find that ICSI is our only option to conceive.  You can only make a decision based on the situation you are in at the time so don't beat yourself up about it.  The doctor does sound like a "horrid little man" though.

We are about to have our 4th attempt then have decided to call it a day with the treatment.  But we will go down the adoption route.  Have you considered it?  I've also been to my GP and saw a counsellor to talk things through.  It helped clear my mind a little.  Have you asked what the chances would be with donor eggs?  Our plan has been to carry on with treatment until we felt we had done all we can and it felt right to stop (fininces and sanity permitting of course!).  If you know you're mind wont rest until you've given donor eggs a go, then it might be worth a try.

Sorry if this has come out as a bit of a ramble.  Hope it helps.  Take care, 

Tracy xx


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## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

Thanks ladies!

I feel a bit better today after drinking loads of red wine & eating tons of chocolate - things I've denied myself for sooooo long!

Yes, we will go for the donor eggs & I know they have a reasonable chance of working.

(Also, the horrid little doctor has since died at the age of 52 so guess he got what was coming to him - thought not before killing my friend's baby by crushing his skull in 2 places during delivery & then lying all the way through the subsequent court case!!)

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply - thank god for FF
PS - ISIS are fab!

Love Jess xxx


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