# Mixed Thoughts



## shazznewman (May 17, 2005)

Hi, I'll try not to waffle, but I'm sure I will.  We have been truly blessed with our gorgeous son born in July 2006.  We had some frosties as well, but by Sept 06 we had to decide what to do with them.  Dh always said we couldn't risk doing IVF again incase we got twins as the car, house wouldn't be big enough and obviously the extra cost so instead of paying to store them for a further year there didn't seem any point.

This April both of us replaced our cars, which meant we spent all the savings we had (which was originally saved for IVF).  Now out of the blue after my dh feels a little bit more secure in his job, as there was talk of redundancies he says maybe we could try again.  So we now don't have the option of the frosties, if we had stored them for a further year they would have still been there now and we now have to start saving from scratch again which will take ages.

My problem is that although I've always wanted two children, now I'm not 100% sure, on one hand I would love Kieran to have a sibling (he does have a half sister from dh first marriage), but then again I'm happy with how things are at the moment.  I keep worrying that we will sacrifice doing things now with Kieran to save money for treatment and then theres no guarantee of it working and would I have regrets of spending so much money and feel guilty that dh would have to work lots of overtime.  I then also think about the fact that we don't even have room for a second cot.  We have a 3 bedroomed house and my step daughter has the smallest room as she stays with us every weekend and Kieran's room doesn't have room for another cot.  Then I think is it fair for him to have to share, he will get woken up by the baby crying.  Then if its a girl, then what, I don't particularly like the idea of a babies nursery with make-up, tv and playstation in it and the room isn't that big either, the only option for two beds in there would be bunkbeds.  I hope people don't think I'm selfish with my views and I'm struggling to understand my thoughts as well, I think if I knew we would financial still be ok and had an extra room I would be all for it, does this seem right to have doubts about trying again because I don't think we have the room, don't know if dh has thought about where another baby would go.

Thanks

Shazznewman


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## birthbaby (Aug 11, 2004)

hiya hun  

i no what your feeling just been thro it and we are going ahead with our treatment we have talked long and hard and we have decided to go ahead  i am truly blessed with ellie she is our life but we are just wanting a chance of having a sibling for ellie  

your not being selfish atall if anything your thinking about your family 1st  

its not as if kieran needs sumthin your going to say sumthin like no im saving for ivf you will buy things and do things with kiaran and be saving for ivf all at once your thoughts were exactly like mine   we only have 2 bedrooms  

there is no gaurantee that it will work but remember theres a chance hunny 

its up to u2 to decide whatever u do you will feel is right   

all the best in what ever u decide hunny 

hope ive helped sum  

nikki xx


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## Edna (Mar 19, 2005)

Hi there Shazznewman,

Its not an easy situation. I really understand the desire for another child and also the concern about how it would work and the impact on your first child. Its not selfish at all just a sensible thinking through the issues. Its also only natural to think about how you'd fit a new person into your lives. I remember having similar thoughts before deciding to try for a baby (so yes rather a long time ago). Then we were blessed with Evelyn and it wasn't a problem. Things just changed. I'm waffling but I guess I'm saying that you'd work it out and it would be good. Different to now but still good.

I also understand your DHs concern about twins but you could always go down the eSET route which would significantly reduce the risk of twins. If you went for Blasts then you would still have a pretty good chance of success.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

lol


Edna


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## pollttc (Nov 18, 2004)

Mixed thoughts is exactly where I am too!
Had Daisy with our first IVF - soo lucky and we're incredibly blessed with our amazing daughter. We had five top class embies frozen - had to make the decision about whether to keep them the month she was born - so of course we kept them.
THing is, DH was made redundant the month I returned to work - I was supposed to be going part-time from Sept 06 (teacher) but as he's struggling to run his own business I've had to go back fulltime. Money is really really tight -basically we pay our mortgage and live but it's only thanks to my lovely mother that we been afloat (she's paid half our childcare this last year - we're taking it all on this next academic year - gulp!) 
Anyway - I'm probably digressing. Point is, everything is against us having another child fullstop - you do the list and it just doesn't stack up. Trouble is, I'm just aching for another and really want Daisy to have a sibling too. DH is aware that he isn't getting any younger (I know it doesn't bother some people but it does him). We simply do not have the money for FET (which of course might not work anyway - and OMG if it was twins!) and are both struggling with the concept of letting our frosties defrost and die - now we have Daisy it's hard to view them as clinically as we did before.
I'm really hoping (HA - like I did for nearly five years before D was concieved) that we could manage to concieve by ourselves - that way we'd have to just get on with it and manage somehow rather than have to choose to put ourselves in such financial difficulties. (If you see what I mean). Ironically, (and I KNOW this sounds bad, how horrible am I) with those miracle second pregnancies from others who've previously had treatment to concieve. I'm just green with envy. ANyone I talk to about this who doesn't know about IVF says ' oh they say that it's really common and easy to concieve once you've had a baby with IVF cos you're body knows what to do'. Clearly mine doesn't.

Aaaaarrrrgghhhhhh - I'm SO sick of thinking about this all the time - thought that it'd stop once we'd had D (well - it did til recently!) I just need closure or time off in my head etc.........

Oh - we had been keeping everything 'just in case' but have just sold our travel system to my colleague who's 24 wks -and I've just come on! (Might explain my feelings right now!)

So sorry for the rant.

Poll


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## Elf (Feb 2, 2004)

HI Poll,
Goodness it's really reassuring to know I'm not the only one going madly round in circles with this.
Out miracle little boy is 20 months now and DH is very keen to try for a second.

If things were straight forward (HA!) I'd just stop using contraception and let fate decide.  Does that sound terrible.  I'm so logical and used to making my own decisions, it's quite hard to realise that there's this big thing in our lives that we have little or no control over.

Then as you said, we'd just get on with it and deal with the situation if and when it arose.  A bit a case of whether it was meant to be or not.

But things aren't straight forward and after taking 5 years, 2 failed IUI's and an amazingly first time successful first IVF cycle I then developed Rhesus incompatability and will struggle to carry a healthy child without risking early prematurity and needing in utero blood transfusions for the baby.

I think we have almost decided that this risk is just too great and so our only viable option is to use a rhesus negative sperm donor so that our child would be rhesus negative and my body would not attack the baby.  So, now I'm not 100% sure that I want a second enough to have a child that is not genetically linked to my husband.  I'm scared I'll feel alone even though he reassures me time and again that we will be doing this together and that for him it is more important to have a second than to have a genetic link.

My little boys childminder has just told me this morning that she is pregnant with her third child and as usual I had that just been hit by a brick feeling that just doesn't seem to go away.  I know this sounds so childish and weak but it just doesn't seem fair and I feel sad and little that we don't have the choice of having a second of our own and that even if we were successful with a donor and a second IVF cycle it still isn't fair that it is so difficult and that we can't have our own children.  Now, I'm feeling stupidly sorry for myself and didn't mean to be so self indulgent.  Does it mean I really do want children, I don't know.

It's comforting to know that other people aren't so clear and that it is still difficult even when you have an amazing little miracle already.  

Sorry to just dump a load of stuff in this post, I hadn't realised how upset I was until I started writing.

Sarah


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## pollttc (Nov 18, 2004)

Sarah - i missed this reply for some reason...

Don't worry about dumping - that's pretty much what I did - 
Some of us from my birth club have just started a Broodies thread - come find a home with us!!

Poll


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