# Single adopter and 2 children?



## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi! Newish to posting on here but I've been 'lurking' for some time! I have recently been assessed and approved to go on to the application stage for adoption as a single adopter  . The LA seem to be rushing this through maybe because I am looking for a school age (4-7) year old(s) - the so called difficult to place children I guess. 

As I am used to dealing with twins (niece and nephew) I had mulled the idea of 2 (older) siblings. However realistically I felt that as a single adopter this was probably being a bit over-optimistic - 2 children with complex needs on my own (even with my support group). The social worker saw my spare room though and immediately started talking about 'oh you could have 2 beds in here etc' (before we'd even discussed numbers).  

I said I wasn't sure at the moment about 1 or 2 and she said well you could have one and then adopt another. I explained I wouldn't be doing this - I'll only be doing this once and they would have to share a room for at least the next 5 years anyway (when I'll get some money to put another room in the loft). 

Sorry to waffle but the crux is - can a single adopter seriously manage 2 adopted siblings (4-7ish) and continue to work part time? Plus doubly expensive?! I enjoy a challenge and am a very calm person and part of me feels that maybe 2 would be better for their sake? I don't have to decide yet of course but I'd love to hear from people who have adopted 2 'older' children and the trials and tribulations of this!

Thanks


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## Aldora92 (Jul 21, 2012)

Hey smudgerbabe,

I am new here also, and still not even close to starting the process yet, I am basically trying to to get as much information as possible until I am ready to begin.

I plan to adopt as a single parent to, and have been thinking of the same age range as you (4-7). I have also toyed with the idea of possibly adopting a sibling group of 2, depending on the children.

I think a single can cope with part-time work and 2 children in your target age range, depending on the children. I think for a social worker to hint at the possibility of adopting a sibling group, he/she must think you would be capable. As I said, I think it would depend on the children, there could be a lovely group of siblings who have not found a family or home because nobody has wanted to adopt as a pair.

I assume if you adopted a sibling group, settling in and bonding would be much easier then a single child, as they would be with somebody in the same situation as them, and not only that but it would be a brother or sister (though I think same sex only with one spare room). I also think with there being two children instead of one, you would have less one on one bonding time with each child, and you would have less time to do anything else, as more children = more parental time.

There are single mothers/fathers out there, who have to juggle several jobs and several kids at the same time, yet I am sure most of them are wonderful and capable parents. Though this does not mean that you will do it easily, should you choose to do it, It is sure to be scarier too, but I am sure, if you found the perfect sibling group, that the struggle would be worth it, and you will be better off for doing it.

I am sorry that I cannot offer anything solid, I am a long way off from doing it myself, I can only offer my support in whatever you choose, good luck!

Aldora


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Related children can share a room under a certain age.

But it sounds like hard work, and thinking is slightly moving round to not placing siblings together especially if they have a negative history together.


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Thanks guys I'm sure it will all become clearer as I go through the process!


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Your post seems to indicate quite a lot of doubt about having 2 children placed once, if It was me I would be going with my gut instincts and leaving it at 1. Having nephews and nieces round and staying a night or 2 is not the same as having 2 demanding, fragile, traumatised children in your life 24/7.  I am only speaking for myself but as a single myself I think I would need a partner/husband in my life to make it work more manageable.  I'm not saying it couldn't work I suppose it depends on your own abilities and strength of character so I'm not in anyway saying it wouldn't be rewarding and great but it would be bloody hard work!!!
Please don't let you SW railroad you into something your are not sure about, this is your decision and it is for LIFE!  Long after they have gone your are on your own, you wont see her face at 4am when there both screaming their heads off! LOL
Very best wishes I hope you make the choice that is perfect for your family.


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## Autumn Jade (Aug 29, 2010)

Hiya, I'm with Funnychic on this- technically, adopting two is probably just the same as adopting one- just with a different set of different pros & cons, but that's not the point- the point is making the adoption *work* and *you* and LO being *happy*- you can't do this if you have doubts. Go with your heart- if you have a clear & happy picture in your mind of you and bubba making up your family, stick to your guns! The last thing you want is underlying resentment towards the children because you feel you've been steam-rolled into something. x x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi 
I agree with the others.. one is VERY hard work, two...?? Remember, these won't be secure 'typical' children.. these will be children with a history of trauma and loss. A five year old for example, will have to betherapeutically parented at a much younger age and will present emotionally as a much younger child, so think two terrified 18 month old children.. It's worth bearing in mind what thespouses said too, negative history repeating itself..
Please go with your gut instinct and don't feel pressured. 

JB


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Maybe you could be approved for 1 or 2 children, 4-7 years, covering both options if you feel you could possibly cope with 2.  Personally, having adopted 2 separately, I was glad we had 1 to start with (though we had wanted siblings) and were able to give him the time and 1 2 1 that he needed.  He was 27 months when he came home, had attachment and behaviour issues so was full on and incredibly challenging from the start - no way could I have given him what he needed if I'd had 2 to contend with.  He wasn't classed as a hard to place child either.

There has been a lot of research on placing siblings and the trauma they cause each other.  There is a thread on Adoption UK that you may find useful.  the main thing is dont feel pressurised by SW to take on more than you can deal ith and afford, even when adopting babies we dont know how the future will pan out and children around 7 tend to be hitting a difficult time.

OT x


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