# I'm so sad this evening :(



## Guest (Jun 18, 2009)

Hi girls, hope you don't mind me having a 'laptop cry'  
DP has gone back to work tonight for the first time since our BFN and since then I have either been at work or with DS and/or DP. Just sitting here on my own I realise that I have tried to be strong for DP and now I just can't stop the tears. My head is such a mess of emotions  . I just want us to have another baby and now we have to wait at least another 2 months. I look back over the last 10 months when we first started TTC again and every month I had these special days in my mind that we were going to announce DPs pregnancy and they have all come and gone. I have all my sister's baby stuff in the loft as we thought we would have number 2 before her and I know that in the next couple of months I have to give it all back to her ready for her second baby. I am seeing her next weekend and I don't want to because I know she is showing now. I had everything planned in my head about how things were going to be. We were going to move DS into one of the bigger bedrooms around his 2nd birthday and put him in a proper bed, ready for the new baby. I know we can still do that but it will leave an empty nursery and an empty space in my heart  . 
We are lucky that money, to a certain degree, will not get in the way of our treatment but what about the emotional cost. What if DP never gets pregnant? She is anxious to put 2 embies back next time because she just wants it to work but if we have twins then there is no chance that I will ever carry again as we don't want 4 kids. I do have a habit of letting my mind run off into the future and DP was supposed to be pregnant by now and then in a couple of years I was going carry again with DP's embie, if we had any left, or use the same donor for IUI with me. 
Sometimes I have this horribly selfish thought that DP will say she has had enough and I can carry our 2nd LO. I hate myself for having this thought because this can only happen with DP having total heartache and why would I want that for the love of my life!!! The other sad thought I have is that DP will not conceive but she says she cannot cope emotionally with me getting pregnant again and we never have another child. As you can gather, my mind does go off on one  
I know there are no answers to any of this and I am also stressed about a managers job interview that I have on monday. Thanks for reading this - it's like I have a little group of new friends at the end of my keyboard xx


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## kelz2009 (Jan 18, 2009)

Just like to say sorry to hear ur so emotional, it will happen for all of us trying    . Its a way of testing us I think and when u get bfn it really hurts. Hope u feel better soon


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## jo36 (Aug 12, 2008)

Oh Moo, this is a really trying time for you, isn't it? It's such an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I'm quite happy staying as we are because I don't want to get back on that stressful journey but then at the same time I really want another child. What you are feeling is totally normal, and I can completely relate to how you are feeling. You both have really been put through an awful lot of pressure. I don't know how you've stayed sane up until this point. I would have been stir crazy by now  . Sometimes it takes being on our own to really allow ourselves to think, and stop acting brave. I really feel for you re. your sister baby clothes she gave you. What a gut wrencher having to give them back, but at least it gives you the chance to buy all new when your time is here! I don't know what else to advise other than talk to each other and I hope things pick up a bit for you. Stay positive, its so important.

Thinking of you...Jo x


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## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

Hi Moo, Just wanted to give you a hug   it must be a really hard time for you both right now, i guess you need to allow yourself time to cry. 

I'm coming at it from the other point of view, amber is obviously going to be carrying our first child and the plan is for me to carry the next one... I sometimes get a bit scared that when it gets to my turn, what if I can't get pregnant as easily or not at all and whilst I will see any child either of us carry as ours that i might miss out on the chance of going through pregnancy and birth myself... we feel like we've been waiting for years to get started but i guess it hasn't been that long... but i often daydream about everything going perfectly and how we will be announcing that we are going to have a baby   If we get a BFN I know we'll be absolutely devastated and i keep trying to think about it to prepare myself for the possibility but I don't want to  

basically what I am trying to say is that I think all the feelings you described are normal - if my sister was pregnant I would find it REALLY hard - not because I wasn't happy for her but because it would all seem so easy for her and hubby compared to all the crap we have to go through!!

As for the twin thing I guess you have to play the odds - you have obviously got about 20-25% chance of twins with two embryos but that still means you've got a 70-75% chance of only getting 1 and if it means reducing the risk of a bfn maybe it is worth it! Although I know if we did that we'd def get twins lol - whenever we tempt fate it bites us in the **** - lol!

sorry that was all a bit of a ramble but I hope you are ok and i really hope your DP gets a lovely BFP next time round.

baby dust to you both 

Lynn
xx


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## little green (May 6, 2009)

Hi, just wanted to send big hugs to you too - we're only on our first round so I only have an tiny inkling of what you guys have been through - other people on here will have a greater understanding. But you guys are so strong to have gone through what you have so far, and still be hanging in there and being positive. You'll be able to get through this too, I'm sure, and then it's onwards and upwards   Hope you're able to talk to your partner about how you're feeling, I'm sure it would help, especially with your interview coming up.

Big hugs to you both


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## Guest (Jun 18, 2009)

Thanks for your kind replies  

Lynn - DP is just like you and I know that she has always worried that she would not get pregnant as easily as me and now she is worried that it will not happen at all. She adores DS but I know she wants to have the experience of carrying our baby.

Littlegreen - we have stayed so strong through this because we have talked about things every step of the way. DP is not one for talking much but I just sit tight and eventually the flood gates open and all the emotion comes out  . DS has been our little life saver aswell - he brings us smiles and laughter everyday  

Good luck in your treatments


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## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

lol just realised my maths in my above post was wrong - 70-75% + 20-25% lol I meant 75-80% 

not bad for someone who is supposed to be good at maths!! lol

Moo - give your DP a hug from me when she comes back   and here is one for you  

xx


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

moo .... sorry no time to post proper reply just wanted to say BIG hugs to you doll! ax


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## sallylouise (Jan 30, 2009)

Moo- sorry you are feeling sad.  i don't think we have any rational thoughts when our emotions are so raw. I think all the waiting and the fact it is all so out of our control makes it even more difficult. Try not to ruminate and imagine situations that haven't happened yet. I'm the queen of that (!) so I know it isn't easy but in my experience things have a way of working out even if it wasn't how we originally thought they would.   

Take care, enjoy your DS,

Sally.xx


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Moo, I just wanted to give you a huge  

I'm so sorry your sad, but I do think it's natural. Give yourself time to grieve over the recent BFN. I think all your fears to are only natural, I am constantly planning our future and then thinking 'what if this, and that happens' and then stress myself out. Try and take each day at a time (although I know this is easier said that done) and keep talking to DW. Also, as well as TTC the world goes on and you have all the pressures that go with that, so go easy on yourself, and lots of luck for your job interview.

But your right we are here to support you, so feel free to vent (post) whenever you need to.

Lots of love S x x


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Dear Moo,

You guys have been through such alot, it is completely normal to feel like you do because every time we get a BFN it is alot like grieving. It sounds like you have been so strong for your DW, now if you need to cry, it's OK  

So pleased DS is bringing sunshine into both of your lives everyday  

Lots of hugs to you both,
Becs x
ps-good luck for your interview


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

Hi Moo, just wanted to send you all a big hug and lots of love  
I think it's actually a really "healthy" thing for you to be able to let all the sadness come out, as there are so many different strands to the disappointment of this BFN. There's the simple fact that it's another cycle that didn't work, the fact that it's not proving at all easy for your DP to get pregnant and her worries about it never working, and all the stuff around you wanting to have another bio child yourself, and whether or not that's ever going to be possible. Those are all big issues! 
We can none of us say for certain that it's going to work out in the future if we just keep trying (irrespective of the financial and emotional costs of treatment), as there are no guarantees that it will, but whatever does transpire, it really does sound like you and DP are dealing with it all in the best way that you can and are there for each other. And having a little bundle of energy and joy does make it all rather easier to get through even the saddest days


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## Battenberry (Mar 18, 2009)

Hi Moo,

Just wanted to give you a big   for your rough time at the moment. I don't think I can offer any wise words but want to wish you lots of love, and hope things get easier for you soon.

Lots of love,
B xxx


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