# Coping with remarks on baby's looks



## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Just wandering if any of u DE/DD mums, who've not been in a position to tell family, have coped with the inevitable comments on your baby's looks?

After years of IF i finally had my beautiful baby boy in Oct. 
After over a decade of no grandchildren in the family Dhs family are completely besotted with him. 
Dhs sister now visits weekly after virtually no contact for a long time 
I have a room overflowing with gifts from them all, 
But i feel so protective and vulnerable when the inevitable 'wow look at his lovely skin tone, etc' get spouted around.

I know i need to grow a thicker skin and reframe all this but Could do with a bit of a lift at the moment on handling things. 

I know there's a lot of us who used DE abroad, some from med countries. 
How did u handle the remarks?


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

Congratulations on ur lush baba!
I’m in ur situ de/ds with a bio child too... 
I just say oh yes I know weird isn’t it! Or I say must be a throw back gene from the past (as my one child is blonde and one is black haired) 
Or say oh but she’s/he’s got my nose, eyes etc ( or a close relative that’s died)
Don’t let them get to u! Nosey ****s!


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## Guest (Nov 29, 2019)

Sorry but this might seem like a stupid question but why are people commenting on the babies skin tone? I thought that  seen as you used reprofit the match would be good? I have not done de but after 6 failed transfers and at 44.7 probably only way if I want a child or hope for a natural miracle something my DH still thinks can happen, me not so much as I know the stats 0%!


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## Stacey10 (Jun 7, 2013)

Just say it must be a throw back, I brush any comments off like that, people will see what they want to see really, my father in law swears one of mine has his grandfathers nose lol, you can also just say, genetics is a tricky thing and throw backs from years ago can pop up at anytime, or blame your side of the family a few generations back etc 🤷‍♀️


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

My dads wife said ooh, hes different from the rest and I said well your two kids weren't identical either! My half brother was and is blonde, 6ft4 and would fall down a drain. My half sister is short, dumpy and black haired. So, okay 3 9ut of the 4 living kids all looked like each other as babies. My newest baby from the 20 week scan onward looked like my (at the time youngest). I can pull pictures out of my 9 yr  old,  my 12 yr old, my 23 yr old and then my 10 month old and honestly there isnt that much of a difference. In some.of them, you have to look at the clothes to work out which one is which. But when I told her that, she said "oh yeah "and changed the subject. 

How many of your or DH' s family look similar or dissimilar. There is always variants somewhere along the line. Try and put attention back to them. 

Likewise I had a friend over today who hasn't seen baby first a while and she said "ooh now hes older, I cant see who he looks like"and I replied " I can, he looks like him" and left it at that. If you dknt feel it's your story to tell, its baby's story when time is right (even if your not telling him) then screw everyone and just say he looks like him and hes beautiful/handsome/lush/scrumptious or he looks like him and hes perfect. It usually shuts people up and then a rapid subject change. 

Incidentally my little one had darker skin when first born but 10 months on (where has the time gone?) , his skin is no longer slightly darker than anybody else's in the family. 

I hope you find your way through this as your son is beautiful regardless. Xx


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

It's quite possible you are a little more sensitive because you have used DE but honestly these comments can happen regardless.  Mine are completely different and they are twins.  One has skin which tans beautifully and the other pale skin which burns and marks with any hint of sunshine. When I'm asked where the red hair has come from I say I've no idea and give a smile.  No one takes it any further.  Genetics is a strange thing you can put the same embryo into another woman and the genes will be expressed differently because uterine environment is different.  Michael Moseley did a really good program about the 9 months before birth.  It's not just about the genes but how they are switched on and off depending on conditions before birth. I tell my boys how they came from an egg and sperm which formed an embryo then put in my tummy.  We talk about embryos sometimes not making it and how in a different lady they may have been a bit different.  They love the book I use and will often choose it as a bedtime story. It's personal choice how you go about things and choose to tell or not: it is none of anyone else's business.  However thinking ahead starting neutral like as to how babies are made will mean it's easier for them to understand what a donor is later on but would also give you time to choose if you do not want to explain a donor either way they will know where babies come from which can't be a bad thing. 
TCCx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Thank u all so much for your helpful advice, you all speak  a lot of sense. 
clearly im not alone in  dealing with this regularly which is sad. Why do we have to justify our babies looks to people? I do wander if im being unreasonable for getting so annoyed by this, but right now they seem to be going on like a leaking tap. 
I agree genetics throw up stuff from generations back. 


CathA since ive had DS, ive had DH's family analysing the toss of all his facial features and strand of hair on his head. Saying things like, ' i can't work out who he looks like' and 'well.. He's very beautiful' in a suspicious way as if me and dh could never have made him with our own bits and bobs. Well we probably couldn't. Its incredibly irritating and judgemental.
Ds probably wont look like us completely ws he's double donor, but as time goes on i expect hell take on our mannerisms. Clinics match u up as best they csn but no donor will ever be your twin i guess.
X


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Oh and what makes the 'i can't work out WHO he looks like' more annoying is the fact that DHs family have never clapped eyes on any members of my family as they don't live locally 
How stupid


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## Guest (Dec 1, 2019)

Ah ok I get it. I tell you all families love to do this my family are always at it. I said when my sister had her kids I wouldn’t do it but you do you can’t help it. I even compare one of my sister kids to one of our best friends as she reminds me of her and there isn’t any genetic connection there! I think the replies here are right just play along with it, Sometimes kids look nothing like their parents and sometimes they do, when I met my oh family at a wedding guests thought I was the relative and he was my guest as I looked so like them. It is just human curiosity and you are right the child will take on your mannerisms, an adopted friend of mine is so like her adoptive parents it is hard to believe she was adopted.


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

agree with CathA, although I have my daughter via IVF OE, she resembles her grand grand mother, who only my mother-in-law remembers. My daughter is much much darker than me and my dh, and sometimes we joke that we are sure she is not adopted but who knows what could happen in a hospital.


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## Anenome (Oct 18, 2019)

Hi K Jade,

I think this is a very vulnerable  time for you as a first time mum with a little baby you have gone through so much to have.  Regardless of how you conceived, I think that this is something that family and people do when a baby is born.  It seems to be in people's DNA to look for family traits and whether they can see either mum, dad or themselves in a new baby.

The sensitivity is that only you and DH know that your baby is DD and so that adds another layer of vulnerability and protectiveness for you which is completely understandable.  I was open with my family from the beginning, but they still remark how much my children look like me or my mum and then they remember that they don't share my genes!!

You may or may not decide to tell your child or your family in time, but right now is a special time for you to bond as a family as any other family would.  Just getting used to being a parent is a huge deal and changes your life forever.  It is really hard, but try to detach a little from the family's words which are careless but probably not meant badly.

When my children were little and people I didn't know and didn't need to tell said things like 'do they look like their father' (I'm a single mum) or 'don't they look like you?'  I just said 'Yes, they look like their dad' or 'thank you' and moved on!  

In time our children pick up so much that is nurture as well as nature.  My children are now 13.  You may get support from other DC parents in time if you need it from places like DCNetwork.  Right now, enjoy being a new mum and creating your little family!  Best wishes A xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

CathA i know ha! Prior to DS i did this all this time to people! Even if i couldn't really see any kind of likeness!!   . It was just something 2 say i guess. getting my comeuppance now eh!

Anemone  you've pretty much summed it up nicely, we are going to just enjoy LO and ingore all the comments, and try not to take them personally. 
Your right it's such a natural curiosity and so ingrained in all of us. I need to probably cut them some slack  
Donor conception is such a niche area, and can sometimes feel isolating. Ive looked at dcn, but never joined. Its on my list though. thanks 4 your post. 
Xx


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## Roxbury1 (Nov 22, 2013)

These aren't my personal anecdotes but may be helpful! I have some very close friends in a same sex marriage who used DS and IUI to conceive their two beautiful boys. Friend A provided the egg and carried both pregnancies, Friend B who has no genetic link to either son is the one everyone says they look like. 

Flip side, my sister in law, Caucasian, married a New Zealander who has Asian heritage - their biological children have his colouring and features and she gets asked if she's the nanny literally all the time.

People see what they want to see, or I think half the time don't actually see anything at all and are just making small talk. I agree it's intrusive but try not to take it personally, your baby is your baby xx


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## kittykat76 (Jan 17, 2016)

Just say Oh he looks just like the milkman and change subject!! People always like to do this especially older people,its like its something to say so I wouldn't let it bother you. I get people who don't know my situation asking if jack is anything like his "dad" and I just say no- no explanation given, its none of their business. Think you are probably feeling hormonal and extra sensitive to it all at min xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Thanks roxybury very true, i agree people are often just making small talk

Haha kittykat i love that response!!  Think that'll be my go to answer from now on!


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## Godiva (Nov 19, 2015)

I usually say that he looks like a baby...
We had the opposite, especially with first: people commented how much she looked like DH, even those knowing about DS. In the end I just said "yes, she does", even though I felt a fraud. Got easier in the end ;-).
Number 2 is usually just compared to his sister, so that solves issues .


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