# When are you two...



## Purdycat (Nov 29, 2006)

When are you two going to start a family?  Yes, this is what somebody asked me yesterday   .

It was a retired gentleman aquaintance who asked me this.  I answered him with a blunt 'we're not' and he looked quite affronted.

He knows we have been together for about a decade and he he knows I'm in my mid thirties.  I would have thought that in this kind of situation any normal person would kind of put two and two together and not ask a personal question like that?  Or maybe not!  I'd just started feeling a bit better after a low patch, but after that comment I went straight home, crawled under the duvet and refused to come out until the next day!

Ellie xx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Oh Ellie hun, big hugs to you, I just soooo hate it   when people ask that intrusive and deeply personal question it always makes me go sick to the stomach and then feel sad. The cheek of the man, lets hope your blunt reply has made him realise it is not an appropriate thing to ask people!  Grrrrrr to all those who don't have a clue about the mechanics of being able to have children and seem to think its as easy as just going out and ordering one at the shops!!!

Love & big hug
from

Hippy
xxxxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Ellie
I Hope that you are feeling alittle better to day and managed to try and push this comment to a box that contains 'all the unwanted comments that we have to listen and put up with'.!
Ellie sometimes these comments stick in your mind for ages. Is that because we cannot believe the insensitivity of it all?. I tend to mull them over in my mind, until i reach a point where i think this is unbelievable and its not worth the energy anymore....because they are not worth it!!!
I am not sure if some people really know or have that deepness where they are aware of peoples feelings? I am not sure if  as soon as they say these things, do they realise they have just hurt someone?I think the chances are probably no? I think its people like this that we try to avoid, because geuine friends and family would only put our interests at heart. THats a journey in itself finding the genuine people, where we feel protected and secure!!
I can understand why you went home and crawled under a blanket and felt really bad. There were many a times that i have done this and i just cried for day.
Maybe if you can come up with a few lines that you feel in control of in the future, when confronted by ignorant people? This always makes me feel alittle more in control of my situation and i started to think if you have the gall to ask, then face the reply...Sometimes people do not know what to say, but i think sorry you have made me feel awkward, it works both ways...
My replies are:
'we are unable to have children'
'Unfortunately no, this hasn't happened for us'
'Sadly no'

It doesn't leave any room for questioning, because of the way i reply to that person...and i feel alot better...
Sorry Ellie i hope i haven't gone on....and the positive thing that has come out of being able to reply like this, i don't get any questions asked..?well rarely and that is often followed by the IVF question and i usually say i have 'done everything possible' thanks....i wouldn't have reached this point if i haven't tried everything you 'dim wit'!!!
The only difficult thing is Ellie, it takes a while to come to terms with these comments and sometimes i cannot believe its my mouth and life that it is coming from...but it does help alittle and protects you from futher pain. Well done at finding a reply though....

I hope this helps alittle...thinking of you...
love astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Ellie,

I'm sorry this got you so down.

I think Astrid hit it on the head when she said, "sometimes I can't believe it's my mouth and my life it's coming from .."

I do think that the human races takes many things for granted.  While i don't belive these people mean to hurt us, they are being "stupid" by not thinking before they open their gobs ....

I loved your answer of "we're not".  As you say, it says it all and it's quite short .... not too long a sentence for you to try and get out whilst feeling so uncomfortable at the whole situation.

People just don't think and they absolutely have no bl**dy idea of the consequences of these questions ie.  the fact that we go home feeling like s*it, and can cry for days .....

I used to gain strength from comments like this by thinking of all of you lovely ladies, and knowing that I was not alone in all of this ....  It helped a bit anyway 

I hope you have a better day today hun,
all my love
Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

We were asked that for the first 2 0r 3 yrs after we married. I think the fact that my sdaughter lived with us made people NOT as likely to ask. Although some people do not know that she isnt mine!!! 

i actually found it hard too when people STOPPED asking if that makes sense-it was as if they too had given up on us!!!  Now in school there are younger girls having kids and i am now in the middle aged teachers bracket!! That hurts.

i think if i ever get asked it again i will say" Don't you realise they turn into teenagers!!! That's enough contraception in itself"!!! That should shut a few people up!!!


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Ellie

Just wanted to send you a big  , as you need one after that insensitive comment.  Why oh why do people ask personal things like that?  At least your reply should have given him some food for thought.
Don't let it get to you chuck, hope you feel better today. 

Jane x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Ellie

I think we all dread having this said to us - if I had a pound for each time it had been mentioned to me over the years! 

I love what Astrid has said in her response to people. I use humour too - 'my cats are allergic to children' being one of my favourites for seeing the stunned expression on peoples' faces!

Nonetheless, it can hurt and leave ripples of sadness afterwards... I hope you are doing ok today hon.

With love,
Emcee x


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## Purdycat (Nov 29, 2006)

Hi.  Feeling much better now thanks to your kind words and hugs  

It feels easier to be rational about these kind of comments looking back at them but at the time they can knock you for six.

Emcee, I'm almost looking forward to the next comment so I can say my cats are allergic to children!  Though I'll need to use something more along the lines of 'my dog likes children, but she couldn't eat a whole one'!

Irisheyes, I have a sdaughter living with us and have, in the past, said things like 'oh, sdaughter is a marvellous contraception', especially when she's having a hormone surge and being messy and moody!!  But then felt a bit guilty after because she is lovely really.

Love Ellie xx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Ellie, my sdaughter would be really lovely if it wasnt for her birth mum!!! I could cope with the moods and thinking she knows it all if it was just that!! Unfortunately her mum who saw her when it suited when she was young,moved abroad for a few years - of course messed that up too and came home just as she was turning 13!!! The last year has been horrible with her encouraging sd to lie to us and generally be deceitful!!! 

No-one i knew here ever really understood that having a teenager in the next room was a good contraceptive!!! So i am glad you do!!


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## Purdycat (Nov 29, 2006)

Dear Irisheyes

Glad you do too   . Ooh dear, birth mum encouraging sdaughter to lie to you and be deceitful.  In my experience most teenage girls are pretty good at that already without any help!!  Seen sdaughter regularly since she was 8 but she only moved in last October when she was 16. Timing wasn't great, I was just starting IVF and was meant to be avoiding stress at all costs, not easy having a teenager land on you, trying to lay down groundrules and her mother ringing me, who didn't want her to leave home, (I'd had virtually nil contact with her up until then and DP just trying to stay out of it all (men eh?!)).  Things have settled down now though.  Hope you're bearing up after the past year.

Ellie x


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