# 'grieving' before moving on to adoption?



## blue-bird (Apr 17, 2005)

Hi

I haven't posted in this part of the board before but our options have now narrowed completely. I suspect adoption is our only chance and thought I'd come to terms with it but recently so many of my old schoolfriends are becoming pregnant and I'm finding it hard again. It's nothing new, every time we've cycled someone close to us has been pregnant, usually one of our 3 sisters, but I've just found out via ******** that my childhood best friend is pregnant and I'm finding it particularly difficult.

Is there a way to mourn the 'loss of our birth child' even though iIve never been pregnant? I really thought I was ready to move on and have ordered all the adoption packs but today I'm not so sure.

Sorry for the me me me post, just venting really.

bb x


----------



## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya BB

first of all   im sorry for your failed tx's. im not sure if there is a way of 'grieving' as such but i know where u are coming from.  the only thing that i would say personally is that once we found out that we wouldnt have our 'own' baby and decided to move onto the adoption route, it got easier.  adoption is obviously a very long process and even up to the point were we bought our 2 daughters home, i used to get upset at friends/family pregnancies etc.  my sister has just told us that she is expecting - abit of a surprise for her - but i felt really happy and pleased for her. i dont think the feeling of not carrying a child etc will ever leave you but i do honestly think it gets easier. i have just re-read my post and its abit garbled, sorry.  i think what im trying to say is be kind to urself. dont rush into anything, take your time and make sure this is the path for you.  for us, its been the best decision.

hope this makes abit of sense?   sorry if not.

take care

lots of love camly x x x  x


----------



## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi Blue bird

  I'm sorry to read your news, there are many of us who know just how you feel, you are not alone.

There's no easy way to grieve, it's painful but having adoption and the knowledge that you will be a mummy may help.  I too have never been pregnant, people say you don't miss what you've never had but that's not the case.  What I found really helped was keeping a journal.  Mine begins on the day we received our test results and ends on the day we legally adopted Cookie.  Whenever I was struggling or if something happened on our adoption journey I'd write about it.  My plan has always been to give it to Cookie one day but there is some rather personal info in it so it might be a very long time until she gets it!  

I found that the grief came in waves, just as I thought I was getting there it would hit me again, I'd say it probably lasted until we were matched with Cookie.  I still get upset when I hear of pregnancies and I'm developed an unhealthy obsession with programmes about giving birth  - infertility has left its scars but now I see clearly it was right for us and wouldn't have it any other way.  I have 2 children who are perfect for us and couldn't be more ours.  You can't rush grief, you may never "get over it", but will hopefully find a way through it all. 

Eventually I reached a point when I realised I wanted a family, not a pregnancy.  

We're all here for you if you ever need to vent
Bx


----------



## Guest (Dec 29, 2009)

Like the others, I think letting go is a process and having my own family has made things easier.  For me the turning point was when I saw adoption as a positive alternative rather than a poor second choice.  Certainly being a family has helped and other's pregnancies are no longer so painful.  

I do still wonder what it would like to be pregnant and sometimes even imagine I could be a little towards the end of each cycle (ours was unexplained so it was/is particularly hard to let go!).

I hope you can find your peace and the right route forward for you.  

Bop


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I'd echo what the others have said, its a process that does take some time..and once you get on the adoption road it does start to help you look forward in a positive way. for me i think i will always feel that little bit of sadness that i didnt have my own, but my 2 ARE my own now and i wouldnt have it any different. my big thing is the regret that i couldnt breast feed and i still do regularly dream that i am feeding a baby..just now i am hanging out with some friends who are doing long term breasfeeding (as in still feeding their 4 yr olds) and i am finding it a little challenging and have had more dreams than normal, so its obviously preying on my subconcious...

kj x


----------



## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi 

I am sorry to read of your past   
For me we had always had adoption in our minds so it wasn't 2nd best for us but just another avenue to parenthood.  I still feel that stab of envy when I hear of other pg's, and I am very sad that that will never ever be me,  my sister has recently told me she's pg again and I feel sad and jealous of her BUT it is know where near as deep as it used to be, I couldn't even look at her when she was pg with my nephew 6 years ago  
The adoption process is a long one and i'm glad it was as long as it was as I believe you need that time to grieve for that child that will never be.  Infertility will never leave you, even for my friends who were sucessful with IVF they still feel that stab when they see a pg lady etc etc.
I never regret the way things turned out for me, my son was destined to be my son without a doubt.

What you need is time, just be kind to yourself


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi 

I can echo everyone's thoughts on this thread so far. The word 'grieving' sounds strange but I really do think it is actually the correct word. Its not odd to grieve and mourn for someone that never existed ( a birth child you didn't have)  - you are mourning for lost dreams and hopes. I think people who havent' been through what we have all been through will never understand that really, which i guess sounds kind of patronising to outsiders - but its true they simply don't get and they are so lucky and blessed not to. Infertility is a horrible, cold, emotionally devastating experience and you need time to heal from that - don't belittle or underestimate what you have been through - after all how many of us, when we are growing up, really ever expect this to happen to us?? I know I didn't. Spent most of my teenage years being bombarded with information on how and why NOT to get pregnant, and with that idyllic dream of a husband/partner and children just as and when I pleased...its a horrible shock and like the others I don't think we will ever properly ever get over it but you know what they say ' what doesnt break you makes you stronger' and that is true...our infertility is simply a path that we HAD to go down to meet our adoptive children.

For me the turning point was also realising that i wanted a family and not a pregnancy though of course a pregnancy is still something in the back of my mind i would long for...and the predictable appearance of ''the monthly witch seems especially cruel I'll be honest...but the more i learn about adoption i see it as something so positive and in a weird way i am glad all this happened to us.

be kind to yourself as Camly said, take your time....we are only just on the beginning of the adoption journey and we have quite some time to go but in the meantime an addition of a kitten to our household is a lovely distraction that has helped satisfy some of my mothering instinct! lol.....( and a spoilt rotten little kitty he is too!!) 

if you need to speak about it there are plenty of lovely people here

Iman x


----------



## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

http://www.bica.net

Hi, my friend felt like this so she had counselling to help her move on with her life and she says it helped a great deal as she realised that infertility isn't who she is but is only a part of her life. Above is a link to counsellers who specialise in infertility. I know that when I was having IVF I was offered counselling as part of that. I refused but now wish I had gone as although I do have a birth child and also have an adopted child, the pain of infertility (I have secondary infertility) never goes away completely.

 to you

/links


----------

