# Finding out who your friends really are



## greenfairy (May 6, 2012)

Hi everyone

We've had 5 failed icsi treatments and current waiting for my egg donor to start treatment.

I've noticed that in the last 3 years or doing treatment etc that my friends were always on my back saying why aren't you drinking? Just relax as I got pregnant when I was drunk. Stop over thinking everything and drink. Etc etc. Even tho I tryed to explain I've been advised not to drink. Now I've found I've distanced my self from a lot of friends have said I've changed as I'm not the friend who likes to party and drink anymore and I'm not as fun.

That's upset me by some friends saying I've changed as I don't drink as much and I've found I'm more on edge around them because they know what I'm going through and no matter how much I try and explain they think that just because they've got pregnant naturally while drinking then it should b any different when having ivf. Now the last year a lot of friend don't even as me out or get in touch when I ask if they want to go out.

Has anyone else found that their friends don't want to know you?

Ivf is a horrible thing to go through and ur friends should support you and not distance theirselves. I feel I've got no support apart from family and my best friend


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## UK-Canuck (Sep 3, 2011)

Hi Greenfairy

I could have written your post!! 

Mostly I know my friends mean well, but yes equally I've never had a night out without being asked why I wasn't drinking - I've even signed up for Macmillan's "Sober October" this month for a different excuse as to why I'm not drinking this month!  Not particularly to get sponsorship (sorry Macmillan, I will donate tho) but just to have something else to say - and we did lose my father in law to cancer nearly 4 years ago & Mac,ill an we're amazing, so it's not completely random. 

The best thing I managed to do was get out & find a local infertility support group through Infertility Network UK and joined the Donor Conception Network, so suddenly I didn't feel so alone. I've made a couple of really good friends and now at least when I'm out with them or at any of the group meetings I can drink as much as I like, if things aren't going well or stick to softies and no one bats an eyelid - it's such a relief!

I must admit I feel slightly like I'm turning into my mother with not drinking much/at all) but after nearly 6 years of drinking to "prove I'm not pregnant" - well or to avoid being asked, I'm just over it now - so am enjoying Sober October!

The problem with (most of) my old friends is that they don't have a clue - four of them have popped out 3 children each in four years. They can't begin to understand the grief we have each month that we don't get pregnant/have a failed cycle. I totally agree we feel they should support us, but I've realised recently that even if you tell them everything, they can't begin to understand the emotional side of things. I've had migraines over not getting support from "my best friend" and I know she means well, but she has a bad habit of saying stuff to upset me - and I know she'd be mortified if she knew how upset I'd been, but she doesn't get it and never will, no matter how much explaining I do, so I've just distanced myself from her. Having realised all this though & recently written a little piece on grief for a charity, I'm getting closer to being able to broach the subject with her again - I think. 

Ultimately now, I just want to be left alone by everyone until I can announce a pregnancy after a 12 week scan. I know nothing about how their children were conceived, why do they need to know the details of how mine might be?  As friends don't seem to be able ask about the emotional side, they ask about the technical/scientific side - hrrumph  but it do realise they usually mean well, but just haven't got a clue. 

We're gearing up for a second donor cycle soon hopefully, but lots of luck with your donor cycle!!

Canuck xx


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## greenfairy (May 6, 2012)

Thank you so much for your response! 
It makes me feel better that other people have the same problems and have also had to distance theirselves from friends.

With tests and 5 ivf cycles we found out that both me and my partner have problems with conceiving so a egg donor is the only option now.

I had a perfect donor who looked a lot like me but yesturday I found out she had changed her mind and pulled out with donating, which was upsetting but we've accepted another match.
No one knows about us using a donor as I couldn't deal with the gossip etc. And the questions my whole life as as you know people don't understand.

Good luck too and let me know how ur cycle goes.


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