# Moving in with parents



## Amelia81 (Mar 2, 2014)

Just wondering if anyone moved back with parents or other relatives for a bit to help with newborn or longer? My parents live over 100 miles away but have offered me to live with them once on maternity (not started treatment yet!). They even suggested I give up my rented flat so I can also save more and then decide what I want to do when I'm ready to go back to work.

It would help me achieve my baby dream sooner but not sure if it's being too reliant on them. Anyone done this or considered it? Any other thoughts?


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## Altai (Aug 18, 2013)

Hi,

I am moving in with my mum once the baby is born. 
I think it's good to have your parents to help out. Tbh I don't mean advice only but babysitting too


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

Oh my.. This is also me. I'm moving back to my parents in the spring. I'm yet to get my house valued for rent or sale but we've decided that it's the best move for me right now. 

After losing my son last year which totally destroyed us as a family we've become much closer and even my sister is more caring towards me. Im due to try again in February and that's thanks to my family and friends all helping me out with paying for it. It will obviously be great because not only will I be able to pay my IVF debt off sooner but also save money after paying them my rent. Hopefully if all works out I'll be ok for helping with baby and whilst I return to work which I can do from home. On the other side of it doesn't work it means I will have spare money to save for another go so for me it's a must. 

Luckily they have a part to their house they don't use so I'll have my own lounge with Rayburn in and then a large open room which can be separated into two bedrooms. 

God bless our parents/mums not sure I'd be the person I am today without mine x


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Personally I would not; we get on great and they have been fab! 

We see them regularly but lo is my responsibility and was my choice. 

If I lived a greater distance I would have moved closer to family as it is good for los to be around them.

Tbh even though we have lots of family on the doorstep it is very rare for me not to have lo! 

In the initial days they brought meals around etc, but you need to find your own feet as a mum, make your own mistakes and appreciate your achievements even if that is managing a shower!


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

I moved in with my mum (dad died many years ago) initially just for the period immediately before and after the birth - I knew the early days/weeks would be impossible with newborn twins on my own in a first floor flat with no lift and nowhere to leave buggy downstairs etc. 

I rented my flat out and somehow or other time passed and when the twins were about 18 months old we decided to make it a more permanent arrangement. We had some building work done (essentially converting garage to separate living room and altering bedroom/bathroom layout) to make it more workable for us.

My twins are now nearly 5 and I have to say it's been largely the perfect solution. Yes there are the usual niggles of living with anyone but all of those are far outweighed by the benefits in terms of support. And I wouldn't say I am over reliant on my mum, rather we are reliant on eachother. She has arthritis and other health issues and was struggling in the house on her own so this is a win-win situation really - she gets to stay in her own home which she wanted to do, I get help with the children, and the boys have a lovely relationship with their grandmother

It works because she has never interfered in my parenting approach - if I ask for advice she will give it, but it is never offered without me asking. And she follows my 'rules' with the boys - I don't think it would work any other way

Ultimately I guess it comes down to your relationship with your parents but I definitely wouldn't rule it out as a temporary move at least

I probably wouldn't have stayed more than a few days if I'd had a single baby but with twins the whole equation changed and it just didn't make sense for me to go back to my flat...

All the best whatever you decide 
x


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## Amelia81 (Mar 2, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think if my parents lived nearby (within an hour) then I would definitely live on my own, but where I live now I have a few friends around me but my immediate family and closest friends are 2.5hrs drive so even if finances weren't an issue I think I would naturally want to be down there for the first few months at least, so then it makes no sense to pay rent and bills on a flat. I guess I'm just nervous of getting 'trapped' and not being able to afford to live on my own again after I've had baby as I wouldn't be working. I guess though as long as I've always got enough for a deposit and to cover maternity leave before work then nothing stopping me moving out again.

Decisions!!


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## janieliz (Jul 25, 2014)

Hi,
I have just had a baby and I am currently staying with family in London - I live up north. I am probably spending 8 weeks down here before I go back up north. My baby is only 11 days old and I have found the support invaluable. I am being fed regularly and mainly its moral support as my relatives are quite elderly, all the evening and night time stuff is just me. I don't think you have to necessary 'tough it out', I wanted a bit of support and company over what I have heard are really tough weeks! it's also an opportunity for my family to get to know my daughter - a big extended family is going to be really important to her and me while she is growing up.

x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I also moved in with my parents for well over a year, made all the difference to us and I really got to enjoy my sons, thoroughly recommend it


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## Caroline1759 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi Amelia
I would definitely consider it. In fact I wish I could move in with my parents just for a few weeks when I have mine especially as its looking like I may need a CS. But mine haven't offered and in fact before I started fertility treatment my mum told me not to expect much help from her and my dad as they are getting on a bit. They're only in their mid 60s!! But they've developed a very old mindset in the last few years. I'm quite worried about how I'm going to manage alone and am thinking about the possibility of paying someone to help me. Like a maternity nanny. Don't even know if they exist tbh. 
Having seen both my sisters have babies and having husbands to help them I know how invaluable it is those first few weeks. One sister had a CS, which admittedly was traumatic as there were complications, but she had help from her husband, me staying with her and her in laws staying and she was still utterly exhausted and struggled.
I know it might not be an option but could you sublet your flat to someone you know for say 3 months or so whilst you stayed with your parents?

C x


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Hi
I know this is going to be controversial BUT I'm afraid that I'm in the camp that tends to think if you CHOOSE to become a solo mum then surely you should be capable and willing if not wanting to do it alone!
I don't mean NO support as everyone needs some but moving in with parents, having expectations of them doing/wanting to do lots to make your life easier is surely unfair and perhaps suggestive that this is not the right path to take?
Needing to LIVE with your parents for more than the early days is not YOU parenting; part of parenting is the late nights, lack of sleep/food/showers etc, constant demands, and to expect/want/need otherwise is imp unrealistic and unfair on all concerned. 
Just throwing a different perspective on this and not intending to insult/critique others choices.


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## chooshoos (Dec 18, 2014)

if/when we get lucky I am hoping that mum will come to stay with us from time to time, to support me in the beginning, I think she would want to. DH works away so i imagine some company will be very welcome. But I see her going home every few days and getting on with her own priorities and social life. 

I tend to agree with me, myself and I - I will be happy for that company and support but would absolutely draw the line on moving in, and if I financially needed to give up our home and move in with my parents then I would think seriously about whether I would be able to afford IVF / Pregnancy / Bringing up baby.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

We will have to agree to differ on this me, myself and I 😄 

In times gone by don't forget it was completely the norm for multiple generations to live together and all have a hand in bringing up the children. Much as in many other countries this remains the case.

I am more than capable of bringing up my children on my own but I choose instead a solution which benefits not only my children but also my mum and me. It's not for everyone but in my particular circumstances it is without doubt the best option for us all. My mum gets to stay in the family home she has lived in for over 30yrs and has me to help with the physical things she finds harder and harder, my boys get to grow up having a close relationship with their nanny and living in a spacious house with big garden, and I get some help with them (although I must stress my mum does not do any regular childcare for me and never has) and some adult company,

As said, works for us, may not be right for everyone, we all make our own choices based on what is right for us and our families.

But really I see no benefit to anyone in being a martyr and making life harder than it needs to be, of course we shouldn't have expectations that our parents will do more than they are keen to do, but equally if help is offered, why not take it?

I can safely say that despite,living with my mum I am 100% parenting and in fact increasingly I am now 100% parenting my kids and an additional 50% looking after my mum. I don't begrudge her that, it's one of the reasons I moved in, but perhaps just mention it to underline that moving in with a parent/parents isn't necessarily easier,,,,

Like I say, each to their own, main thing is that we are all happy 😄 
x


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

Caroline, there is such a thing as 'mothers help' which is basically childcare in your presence and would work well. I have done some work  as one over the years (check out childcare.co.uk for one site). The couples I have worked with have generally been people who have no family around, either a few hours drive away or even transatlantic. It would definitely be something to help you out in those early days, and maybe you'll be able to keep them on one or two afternoons a week as the lo's are older to give you time to run errands etc  

I'm lucky enough that I live very close to my mum (less than 5 minutes walk) so no need to move in with her, but if I lived far away or would struggle financially on my own and she was willing I think I would consider it short term. We all need some help from time to time, there's nothing wrong with asking for it or having help on hand in those early days. I agree to an extent that if you've chosen to become a single parent by choice then you need to consider that before you get pregnant, however let's be real, even couples who have a new baby accept help from parents/family members at some point! Sometimes things crop up unexpectedly that lead us to changing plans and requiring more help than normal - c-section, twins, health problems, unexpected financial difficulties.


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## Amelia81 (Mar 2, 2014)

I moved to the north west nearly three years ago. I have a few friends in the area but my immediate family and closest friends are in Oxfordshire, 3hr drive away. Naturally I would want to be near my closest friends and family when baby is born. 

I'm actually torn whether long term I want to settle in north west or back in Oxford. 
It's not so much about help, I know I'm more than capable of doing it on my own, but I want to  share the  special early times with those closest to me. I want my parents to enjoy spending lots of time (not babysitting!) to build a close bond. If they lived nearby then I wouldnt want to move back to my parents, however it also seems pointless paying rent on an empty apartment in the north west that I will have to move out of anyway (it's 1 bed) and if I move back with parents it might give me more clarity whether I want to raise my child in the north west, area and lifestyle I love but without regular contact with people closest to me,  or move back to Oxford and raise it surrounded by those closest to me. These are decisions I find hard to make now because my priorities are different now and I don't know how I am going to feel once baby is born.


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## Amelia81 (Mar 2, 2014)

Sorry Caroline missed your question

I would need to move out of the flat anyway as its one bed and next to a canal. It is not child friendly at all. But there is no point me finding somewhere bigger to live whilst it's just me. So the possible solution is to move out during the end of pregnancy, love with mum and dad a bit, then find somewhere new to live at any stage I like. 

I know chooshoos suggested if financially need to give up home then question if can afford IVF/baby etc, but it's not about that. It's about not wasting money on a flat sitting empty for 2-3 months. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I'm not rolling in money!! If others have that luxury then great.


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## Delphine31 (Oct 24, 2014)

I'm in the same camp as Me, Myself and I on this topic. 

If I manage to have a baby on my own (I've just had IUI #1) I intend to stay living where I am now in the SE. My parents will be 300 miles away in the NE. But, my mum has offered (or actually she seems to have decided without consulting me!) to come and stay for the first few weeks when the baby is born. I will probably take her up on this. 

Financially it would make sense for me to move back up North, but that's because house prices are so much cheaper that I could be mortgage free, rather than because I'd have an expectation of free childcare.

I agree with Me, Myself and I that it wouldn't sit right to make the decision to 'go it alone' if that actually meant a planned burden for my parents (even though they are so excited and willing to help, I want them to be grandparents first and foremost rather than childcare).

If I have triplets, I imagine I might reconsider   That's what I mean by not being completely stuck in my viewpoint!.


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## janieliz (Jul 25, 2014)

Hi Amelia81,
I think you need to do whatever feels right, nothing is permanent either. I live up north because I never would have been able to do this living in London- I also love the NE and have good friends etc, but if I could afford to live near my mum and family I would. I grew up in a big extended family and feel sad that my daughter won't be able to pop to her granny's for tea etc. You don't need to do all of it by yourself, children like being part of a wider family be it blood related or not, lots of couples with children I know have parents that do 100% of their childcare and they are fine with that!!

X


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## djjim22 (Mar 7, 2014)

As others have said Amelia I don't think there is anything wrong with accepting help from your parents by moving in with them for a while. It seems like the perfect solution in my opinion. I'm lucky in the fact I live five minutes away from my mam and we see each other almost every day (and did so even before I had my little one), if she lived further away I would have moved to be closer and in your case to do this it makes sense to move in with them to save money. I don't think you're implying you're doing this to save money as you cant afford IVF/to have a child but as a sensible solution which in turn will mean you can save more money for the future. I'm certainly my daughters mother and manage to bring her up on my own, but my mam is there to support me as she would have been if I was in a relationship. I suppose it also depends on the type of people your parents are and whether they will 'interfere' or let you get on with bringing your little one up your own way. I had quite a traumatic delivery resulting in a severe tear which I had to go to theatre to have repaired immediately after delivery, ended up really anaemic and had an indwelling catheter in for 8 days post delivery, however I was discharged the day after the little one was born (I'm sure they would've kept me in longer if I'd been unhappy to go home... but my own bed was calling) and I still managed to care for my daughter on my own. However having my mam there to do the other things in the house was welcomed and she did things such as shopping and cooking for me in the first few weeks but left the baby things to me. Good luck with whatever you decide and with the journey to becoming a parent!xx


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## kittykat76 (Jan 17, 2016)

Hi, 

I would definitely do it! My Mum is going to move down to mine so when I finally get a pregnancy to stick I will have some support

Caroline 1759 there are maternity nurses you can book to come and help you 24/6 or 1s who come and do just the night time, I'm a nanny myself and know quite a few. It isn't a cheap option but would be helpful if you have a cs


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## jdm4tth3ws (May 20, 2012)

different circumstances but same outcome. My mum was having problems with her neighbours in  a rented flat and she was scared to stay there  she lived down the road from me. i have a husband, 19 yr old, 8 yr old and 5 yr old. i was looking to move and a 4 bed bungalow came up at the right time. so we all moved in together in August. We have  a sofabed in the living roomn 1 child has taken over my bedroom, 2nd child has his own room, 3rd  child has his own room and my mum has her room. The reaso  we have took the living room over is the 2 youngest were scrapping when they shared a room. 
anyway, all of us living together is working well. mum stays i  her room most of the time. does her own breakfast and lunch. we cook her main meal. we pool all our money together and because of this we have more disposable income. 
she is on hand if i have emergency appts that i cant take the kids to and i can drop everything for her at the drop of a hat. it works. 
years ago, thiz is how families lived and in some ways its sad that it doesnt happen often anymore. The kids gain lots of knowledge from a close knjt multi tiered family. 
the only advise i can offer is set some ground rules from the start, my mum knows i wont cater for her food requirements in the day (she iz capable of making sandwiches, toast, beans etc) as km busy with the kids. however i will cook the evening meal. i am the one that assists in her bathing routine amd im happy to. set ground rules with money. then everyone knows what is expected of them. set ground rules on who chastises the children. which is the parent. in our house. 8 yr old can be quite aggressive (ASD traits) and she knows not to interfere. she has made comments like "he would get a smack if he was mine!" which isnt helpful,  ut talking afterwards and reiterating that smacking is not acceptable in my parenting book and doesnt calm the situation and lastly, they are my children and i will parent them how i see fit usually stops her. i have given her books to read on autism to learn why we react the way we do. its a learning curve for her but shes getting there.
it is a good situation to be in overall. we have laughs but can be serious too. 
set your ground rules and let your parents set they'res. you should be fine


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

I think it can definately work. I live in a "granny flat" adjoining where my parents live. I pay all the mortgage and share the bills half and half. C loves my parents dearly and I feel this is due to us spending so much time together. I think some agreement about the arrangement is important. I do all the cooking for everyone and they are respectful of my parenting choices. With us they do not do any of the child rearing tasks (such as getting up at night, nappies, bathes, etc) but will baby sit for an evening maybe every 2-3 months, in fact they actually  sit for my two married sisters more so am sure they would do more if i wished. It has also been good when they were ill and I could care for them. As others have said in other cultures it is considered more normal (and for me it may have been less abnormal as I grew up living with my parents and my paternal grandparents all living together). Good luck. C  x


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## LuckyE (Dec 9, 2013)

What an interesting thread. 

I think it's down to the individual. In an ideal world I would love to raise a child with a partner but that isn't going to happen any time soon and in that way I'm choosing to be single mother because I still want a child - but I wouldn't choose to be a single mother over having someone whom I loved and who loved me and wanted to raise a child with me!!   I'm not sure many people would.

In the care stakes I am going to be living with my mother (I am living with her now) and I feel much less apprehensive about it all. She's elderly now so I'm not 100% sure what she is going to do but she wants to be involved. And I'm looking forward to the support. I also have extended family to go to as we all live in each others pockets and I love it.  If I didn't have family I am not sure I would be as confident doing it alone. This is what I need... or not... who knows what happens once the baby comes?

I think if you need help/advice you do. If you don't, you don't. There's nothing wrong either way. It's whatever suits you and what you as a mother thinks is best for your baby.


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## Amelia81 (Mar 2, 2014)

Thanks Lucky for your post. It's been really interesting reading people's responses. I agree I don't think there is anything wrong at all with needing or wanting help. As long as everyone involved is happy then there is no harm.

Personally, since my OP I've visited my parents twice and decided that for me, I just can't move back in. I would happily go and stay with them for few weeks at a time but I couldn't give up my own home and own space. I'm so used to being on my own.

We also decided though until a pregnancy and a birth happens, we just don't know how we feel. So no point in making a definite decision now anyway as things change.


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