# Introductions with birth child age 7? How does that work?



## Butterfly06 (Feb 12, 2014)

Hi I'm looking a bit into the future but has anyone any experience with doing introductions with a birth child around 7 ish?

I've heard about needing to be at the foster family home for 7am and staying until bedtime as the week progresses. 
Also when is it that the children meet? In the foster family home and would it be a long day? I feel this wouldn't be very kind to my birth child as he would be uncomfortable in a strange environment. If you know what I mean  
Maybe I'm worrying unessarily but a mummy likes to keep everyone happy 
Any advice kindly received 
Butterfly xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I haven't done intros with a bc but based on others experiences I would say it is likely that the first few days of intros will be just you and partner.  Then they'd introduce your other child and it would be at fc home. SW's main concern is for your adopted child as they are the most vulnerable person involved and the person who will experience the most stress. I completely understand your concerns for bc however doing things differently runs the risk of causing a lot more stress and being a lot more unfair on ac. I would talk to your sw if you are really concerned and don't feel you could do that as it's something children's SW's will want to be aware off before committing to a match with you.  However I imagine SW's will want to know that early placement you will put ac needs before everyone else's because they are so vulnerable and it is so crucial.  I appreciate that when there's another child involved that's much more difficult but it's good your thinking about it now as the more toy can plan and prepare the smoother it is likely to go. 

The other thing you'll need to think about is distance and school etc because dh and I are staying away for ten days in introductions which would be logistically more challenging for you.  Good luck hope that doesn't sound uncaring but in my experience it is what ss are likely to say.  I feel for you balancing two children in that situation on top of everything else isn't easy.


----------



## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

Congratulations on your little pinks!! My ds was 6 when we done intros last year with a then 2 year old ds. Tbh the social workers and foster carers totally understood we had a child in school and were great about the intros schedule fitting around ds1 school. We would drop ds at school then head to foster carer who luckily only lived 20 minutes from us. Within 3 days intros swapped to our house which made it all easier and the foster carer would drop ds2 at our house at 9.30 and he stayed till we took him back every night at 7.30. Good luck x


----------



## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

We did long distant intros with a 10 year old earlier this year, we stayed in accommodation, my mum came and looked after our son for the 1st 2 days, he then came with us on the 3rd and met her, we all then went out for lunch to somewhere that had a play area.

After that we picked her up and she came to our accomdation.


----------



## Butterfly06 (Feb 12, 2014)

Thank you everyone 
I am a planner!!! And like to ensure everyone's needs are cared for and trying for options that cud work for our situation. I think its foolish to not consider or bs feelings as he is a vital link in Thor introductions and life ever after. 
I imagine I will read a lot!!!!
I suppose it does depend on a whole range of things - distance to travel, childcare, school, foster carers needs etc etc agghhhh
I just want it to be a wonderful time 

Reading the posts about how you overcome these challenges is very encouraging, I suppose the sW will advise when the time comes

I'll maybe even have a long wait til that comes n DS will be even older so he may deal and understand more and not feel abandoned by us
Just typing as I think 

Thank you soooo much
It gives me confidence to have knowledge 
Hope everybody keeping busy and on track 

Butterfly xx


----------



## babybiggles73 (Feb 15, 2010)

We have a 10 year old bc and for our intros they have said to bring her along (long distance) and maybe on the day we do from wake up only one of us goes and the other stays with our bc and comes along a bit later in the day. Not sure if this is unusual or not though


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

We have two adopted children, and we did intros with our son a year or so after our daughter was placed with us.  Our daughter has some complex needs and we were very concerned about minimising the impact on her.  We also had almost never left her and the only people who could look after her (our respective Mums) lived some distance away and so we needed to know what was going on so that we could plan.  Normally the introductions are planned at the planning meeting, held the day before or on the day of the first meeting.  However given that we needed to work round Wyxling and our son's foster carer's older child, we had a skeleton agreement in place for how the intros would progress several weeks before hand, at our request.  Both our SW, and more reluctantly our son's SW, agreed that it was simply unrealistic to plan the intros at the last minute and we started looking at possible arrangements several weeks before we went to matching panel.

Our daughter was involved in almost all the introductions (it was only the first meeting she didn't go to), but I don't think that's normal, or ideal in most situations, it was simply the best compromise for our family in the circumstances.  Certainly with an older birth child who is used to some separation from you, having two or three days on your own with your new child would be a big help before involving them.  The intros with our son were lengthened by a few days, simply because of how much we were needing to split between him and our daughter; we didn't feel he was ready to move on the original move date and although the f/c was very supportive of us, she agreed and said she was glad that we'd said that rather than her, as she also felt he needed longer before the move.

All I can suggest is that when you're looking at potential matches, this is something that is considered during meetings with the child's SW.

Babybiggles, for various reasons we also had a day during intros where only I went (although I did take our daughter and my husband wasn't present at all).

All the best,

Wyxie xx


----------



## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Ours too were planned way in advance of intros, and they were very thoughtful of our son as he to had very complex issues, they also included my mum into the intros as well as she travelled a fair distance to to help out.


----------



## Butterfly06 (Feb 12, 2014)

Hi everyone
All your advice and experience is fab and very reassuring. 
I will try to 'go with the flow' as it happens and just hope it all goes to plan and that the ax sW is approachable. 
This has been a complete godsend to ask people who have actual life exp of the different aspects of the whole process. 

Big thank you's and any advice greatly received 
I've done quite a bit of research on adopting a sibling for a birth child but I suppose you people out there are the ones with the real knowledge. 

Butterfly xx


----------



## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

We did intros with a birth child of a Similar age to yours last year.
It was just me and dh for the first visit. The next day ds left school early and we all went together.
He had to leave school early a couple of times and was looked after by family once.
Our intros were extended for legal reasons so in the end I would drop ds off at sch then travel to fcs, take dd out then return to collect ds.......

The sws were very considerate of all our needs during planning and although it was exhausting we all managed!!


----------



## Butterfly06 (Feb 12, 2014)

Thank you crazy spaniel

I was thinking as I was reading the exp of others during intros with another child that it all sounded exhausting but was afraid to admit that to myself in case I was thinking something wrong!  I suppose it the feeling of being tested and I expect it's all the more prevelant during intro time. How did you feel with balancing the 2 childrens needs. Did you feel pressure that the 2 children should bond well at this intro time? It's a lot of pressure on everyone. Did your bs have any concerns or worries you had to tend to during this time?

I am very comforted with the fact that our family needs May be taken into consideration at this time. 
Thank you to everyone, the advice on here is far more valuable than anything else I have read. 
Butterfly xx


----------



## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Butterfly,
To be honest, I didn't really worry about the bonding part.... Intros is a very 'false' time, it's not until you're all home that the bonding will begin. 
My ds did get fed up with the bedtime trips and guilt about keeping both children happy was a constant for me!
In general he was fairly smitten with our new little person and the opportunity to leave school early helped his enjoyment I'm sure  

I'm sure your family's needs will be taken into account but as others have said the needs of the adoptee are paramount so as long as you're prepared for that you will be fine xx


----------

