# Who has met up with the foster carer?



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Just wondering who has met up with the FC after placement, and how it went. For the who didn't, if FC wasn't a nightmare, was there a reason not to (I know some of you have had nightmare FCs).

We're at the 3 month mark but whereas originally we thought we'd want to meet up with the FC our feelings have shifted. This is mainly because we know our FC still speaks to BM from time to time and there's a link going back years there. There was a recent situation where a photo I took in my home and forwarded to the FC end up on BM's ** page! You can imagine my horror, but FC says it was a photo she included in the BPs final photo book not realising it was one I had taken. I think I do believe her as it was taken a week after placement. 

Our FC was fabulous, but she did bend the rules a lot and took matters into her own hands, for example we had a sneaky visit with LO before contact started 'officially'....a few do this to be kind so the first visit isn't watched by a SW and is relaxed and makes the 'official meeting' easier for the child. Now at the time we thought 'great', but now we have the obvious concern of what works for you can work against you. For example what if I sent a Christmas card with a photo of LO each year (FC requested this) and BM got in touch upset in general and FC in a moment of softness showed her the photo to show her LO is happy or whatever.

So we're thinking we don't really want to see her, plus she was very, very fond of LO and I'm a bit worried about that....I'm so bonded to LO that I'll be honest, it concerns me and I think I'd find it hard. LO was 11 months on placement so is still very young at 14 months but was with FC from birth. I do still text, but photos and vids have dried up.

What do others think? We have a sibling come to us in a few weeks so it's going to be very busy indeed between now and then anyway, and once no.2 is placed we don't want to unsettle our DD by meeting her FC in case she somehow links the two as a bad thing. I don't even know how much she'd remember her FC as she's slotted into her new life so smoothly and clearly loves her new family and extended family, mummy gets lots of spontaneous kisses! Some think she wouldn't remember, I worry she would and it would upset her.

My gut feeling is not to meet FC or send Christmas cards, hubby says there is no obligation to at the end of the day....goodness it's a tough one!


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Quite simply - I wouldn't. With an older child I think it's more relevant, but with your LO the age she is I don't believe there is any value in meeting up. We didn't with DS and we won't with DD because they were/are both babies. With DS I sent a Christmas card to his FC for a couple of years, and with DD I occasionally text her FC and will sent a Christmas card with a photo (but don't have an issue re contact with BM).


Peacelily xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

I really want to keep in touch but am nervous about backlash in behaviour and sleepless nights... Our FC was/is lovely, she had BB from 5 months to 27 months and I do think it would be good to keep in touch if it helps him see that everyone doesn't come and go but the initial leap to the first meeting after placement scares me...    He's been with us 3 months today and we need to start to think about it soon   

I think I agree with Peacelily, your LO was so young that I reckon she'll forget FC very quickly, but I'm no psychologist, the SW's and their teams may have a different view.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi mummy elf,

You might find this useful as I asked a while back. All very positive from our experiences and not a great deal of upset but the contact/security thing sounds a tough one and completely see your worries.
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=304176.0

HTH x


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

We have met fc since and still do they also came to bubba naming day. He first came to see us 3 days after she came home. We then went back to their house 5 weeks later then I can't remember how often between. The whole family came here, we have met them at zoo been there a few times and will be meeting them for lunch for bubba bday. We initially did have some unsettled nights afterwards but nothing major. 

We kinda feel if it wasn't for such amazing people we wouldn't have such an amazing dd they helped provide her with a stable start after a very rough 4 months. Dh mum (who doesn't speak to people very often due to cancer of mouth a  few years ok) made a point of speaking to them at bubba naming day and thanked them for our little girl.

When we go round she still goes straight to the toy cupboard and has a good nose around.
Their photo is in life story book and she always says hello to their picture.
Sorry I am waffling but really just wanted to say we have had a really positive experience and not sure how I would feel if I was in your shoes.

Xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you for all your replies ladies.

Thank you for the link Gertie  

Aaa I know just what you mean- I truly am grateful to the FC for doing such a fab job with our LO. I just worry....I suppose I worry about interference or LO being too into her and me getting very insecure. It's taken me ages to stop being insecure about LO's FC and thinking she would rather be with her than me.....might sound silly but welcome to my word  

And then there's the security fear, that niggle of not quite trusting her...


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

I understand that niggle is always there. Bubba is really close to dh niece who is in her 20s and when I had op earlier in year she helped us out no end and one day bubba came home and was playing and said mummy g. To say my world fell apart was an understatement thankfully I was well on road to recovery and spent as much time just the 2 of us but she soon came back to mummy and hasn't happened again. Lots of u time before and after.  But we didn't have bm issues as well.  

You will make right decision.  Maybe now isn't right but maybe 6 months down the line and say sorry no pics just in case and then laugh about it.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I'm presuming if you are worried about FC passing on photos that  you arent including photos in letterbox contact? If thats correct then i would be a little wary of letting FC have photos. meeting up would however be different..as long as you requested beforehand that they dont take photos when you meet..if you have niggles then make sure you set clear rules/boundaries up front.


we are nearly 6 years into placement and meet FC 2/3times a year, she sends them b'day and xmas presies and is on my ** so can see the childrens pics..(yes shock horror i do put their pics on ** lol!) DD was 19 months on placement and DS 8 months. DD had a strong bond with the family but tbh she would have forgotten them if I'd chosen not to keep up contact. I chose to keep them alive in her mind because i felt them to be an important link in her life..she was there from very young. She has enjoyed going back to the house and seeing toys she once played with (she doesnt really remember them but likes to be shown, and asks questions 'did i like to play with that toy?') she also liked seeing the room where she slept. for her its now a real memory in her mind because we've made it, she has something she can refer back to..DS isnt that bothered but still he knows the house now and will have that in his memory 'bank'. Sometimes DD asks me a question about when she was a baby and if i dont know then says 'maybe I'll have to ask 'FC' that!' I can see that for her they provide a 'key' to the past. they have also observed other children moving to their forever families though our ongoing contact with her which is great as it keeps the topic open for discussion.


our first visit from FC was about 6 weeks in..to our house...(advised by SW as a good time..not too soon but not so long the memory had disppeared..and helps to reassure LO that FC is ok) DD was a bit unsettled after..she had an unsettled night..but after that she was fine..no big issues.. we then met the whole family about 10 weeks in..at neutral place..again no big deal..DD enjoyed seeing FC daughters but was more interested in her baby brother who was with them. we then continued to see them about monthly till baby bro moved in with us. at no time do i think she was distressed/had her bond with us shaken..nor did i feel insecure..FC behaved appropriately and DD came to me for comfort etc..i was deifnitely her 'mummy'


hope that helps..and hope you can a decision which works for you


kj x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks keemjay, that does help. I think we may do it but not yet, as apart from anything life is just too full right now with prep for no.2. In a few months time, perhaps early in the new year.

We won't be giving the BPs photos in their letters, they have proved they cannot be trusted not to put photos on ** as they have already of final contact when they signed a contract with SS to say they wouldn't, and geographically we're not far enough away in my mind, plus my LO is quite distinctive and it's just too risky.


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

My lo was 15 months on placement and been with fc just over a year. There are so many mixed views on contact with fc's but my own experience has been so positive. Fc was very attached to our lo (was with her over a year and seen many milestones) and did struggle and even step out of line in those earlier days of placement but when I thought of what she was going through (even though she signed up for it!) and how much she must have missed our lo I did feel empathetic. I always felt strongly that I wanted to try keep in contact with fc and for lo to see her otherwise I felt it would just be another person that had loved and then left our lo. Anyhow it has all worked out great and a year in we have seen fc several times, in the early days it unsettled lo but is happy and settled now about it all. I realise it can't work out as well as this for everyone but in the ideal world I do think contact with fc is so important and has been a real positive for our lo.  The fc and her family have really benefited to as they see how happy and settled lo is so there not left wondering.


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