# How Do I Cope ???



## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Hi Ladies - I am sorry to rant but I really can'y cope with the pain at the moment  

I am a wreck today and I HATE myself - I am just soooo angry. Dh has told me repeatedly over the last 18 months how fed up he is with me - he refused to fo for any testing or consider any tx - I just don't understand why he wouldn't do that for me when he said he wanted a child. He is self employed and repeatedly tells me that the business comes first - he wouldn't even come to a scan with me when I miscarried and avoided all but one hospital appointment on the basis he was too busy. 

I accept that I will never have a child - but I don't know how to cope with the pain and anger at the moment - I try to talk to him but he just doesn't want to know and has said it's my problem and I have to get over it. I have tried to move on but it is so hard - I booked myself on a writing course - He knew this and has just told me I have to do his accounts as he will not pay £200 for the accountant to do them this year.  I have supported his business since day one and have worked sooo hard for him with no pay no holidays - it's been never ending..  
Just once I wanted him to tell me that my dream was important and support me - was that too much to ask ?


To be honest it's got worse recently as I haven't been well since May and have battled to get better - I had a lap at the end of September and have not recovered well I have had 2 lots of antibiotics and am still in a lot of pain - So it's not helped.

I feel sooo ashamed and guilty I want to move on and be happy again - but it just hurts so much having to let go of the dream and have constant battles with Dh - my estemm and confidence are so low - yet every week he is shouting at me. 

I am sooo sorry to rant I just need to offload I just can't cope with it at the moment I just want to sleep I want the pain to go away - I want to feel that I am worth something - that my dream was worth fighting for - I am angry with myself - for feeling this way 

This has been the one place where I have felt support and haven't felt judged - So thank you for that


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## guinevere (May 5, 2010)

Just wanted to send you a very big


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Karenann, I am so sorry. This whole infertility nightmare is bad enough without having these types of issues with husbands and partners.
It is so cruel that your dh should be telling you he's fed up with you at any time, never mind now. I don't understand why you're doing his accounts under the circumstances; I'm afraid I wouldn't!
It sounds to me as if he's thrown himself into the business to forget about other things. I think men do this, though mine's more likely to bury himself in the computer. 
You shouldn't hate yourself, hon, it's not your fault! I tend to turn anger on to myself, too but I'm beginning to realise that's not a good idea. Why should I make myself feel worse when someone's hurt me?
I hope things improve for you soon.  

Rowanxxx


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## owenl (Mar 29, 2009)

Karenann, your DH sounds completely selfish and doesn't seem to want to make the effort to make you happy.  I was in that situation with my DH only mine's buried himself in the garden work 24/7 when he wasn't at work.  In the end I went to counselling on my own and they convinced me to talk to him, write him a letter with my feelings and make it clear that he has to support me and be there for me otherwise our marriage is empty.  Sadly he walked away but if I'm being honest, I was very upset as I still loved him, I'm still stuck in the same house as him while we try to sell the house but I now have my self worth back and am starting to build up my self-confidence and my own social network.  My advice would be to tell him you are a partnership and if he cares for you at all, he will give you some space to do the the things you want and support you in this.  If he refuses, I'd ask him to go to counselling with you, all failing you really have to question whether you are prepared to be dragged down by him, it's not your fault and he shouldn't be making you feel like it is.  I know moving on from DH probably seems at the moment like a step too far but if he isn't supportive and unprepared to go to counselling or make steps to help you, believe me life is too short, give him an ultimatum and walk away if he fails to live up to your terms.


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2010)

Karenann -   I'm so sorry for whta you are going through. Like Owenl said, IF is bad enough without unsupportive partners. I'm afraid we turn anger against ourselves anyway, I tend to do this (and it is bad), but your DH should really support you, not make it more difficult. I agree men tend to busy themselves in work to avoid dealing with painful experiences or discussions, I know mine does that, but when you NEED support he should be there for you. What you describe is really unacceptable in a loving relationship, he seems to be getting it all from you and not giving in return. I think the idea of writing a letter is god, because he can then read it calmly and take it in. You msut let him know that it's not 'your problem', you didn't choose to have m/cs !! It's your joint problem because he is your DH so you are togteher 'in sickness nad in health'. What if God forbid he would be ill or disabled, would you tell him it's his problem?? Sure you won't! So there. Hope you get some positive communication and an apology from him, you deserve more. And do go on your writing course, excellent idea.
Rivka x


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## bubblehead (Jan 29, 2009)

hi there Karenann, sending you a big hug.  I agree with rivka and the others that men do bury their feelings.  mine is computer led and it has been difficult to approach talking about our IVF failures.  M/C is such a big thing and the guilt and anger and resentment are all natural.  A good friend of mine had one too and I know how much it affected her.  Have you got anyone you can talk to about it, other than hubby? 


The letter idea is quite a smart one.  Make it about how you feel and the impact this is having on you right now.  I've found walking has helped me to free my mind of cobwebs and also have started to write things down for myself - both the negative about how rubbish I feel about the end of my IVF journey - and also positive things to boost my self esteem. Things that make me feel optimistic whenever I can. 


I know that the hardest thing of all is to look forward.  I'm standing right beside you  x


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