# Can't cope with this anymore



## gizmo123 (Nov 19, 2005)

Hi

I hope you don't mind me posting here but I just needed to get this off my chest whilst home alone tonight and totally depressed. Today should have been my test day but guess what, yet again I didn't even get that far. Firstly I know how lucky I am to have Oliver but it is now becoming so hard wanting a brother/sister but not being able to give him one    

I am sorry for feeling sorry for myself but I look at myself and wonder why I am even here - I have a body ruined by numerous operations and escaped a near brush with death a few years ago when I was wrongly diagnosed (after 3 ops they finally realised I had cancer - by which time it had severely spread) - yet I pulled through. I am now totally angry for not having an early diagnosis and someone not giving me the option of saving decent eggs - but by the time they'd made too many mistakes it was too late and I had to have immediate chemo and ops otherwise I wouldn't have made it. 

I can't afford IVF but it looks like we'll have no choice - I am so terrified of going down that route as I know we'd only be able to afford one go and can't bear the thought of it not working - I truely believe it would p0ush me over the edge. I live my life by cycle days as it is and can't help but feel jealous of the 4 friends and my own sister who are all due in August/September. Of course I care about them all but I can't help the feelings of 'it should have been me'. 

I can't type anymore as I am sat here drenched in tears - I just feel like I have no friends left to talk to as either they don't understand or they're pregnant. 

Why is life so cruel - and why did I get dealt such a **** hand at life    

Sorry once again


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## gingerbreadgirl (Mar 31, 2007)

Hi Gizmo123
Just wanted to send you a big     . Im so sorry you feel so upset. Life is indeed cruel. I firstly wanted to congratulate you on your gorgeous boy, he looks like such a sweetie. Secondly, I completely empathise with the things you say about "living your life by cycle days" and feeling jealous, and that nobody understands. Sometimes it seems like life sucks so much. It drives me insane when Im feeling down and my dear dear DH tries to make me feel better by reminding me of the good things in my life grrrrrr   so I wont do the same to you! But I hope these hugs reach you     and that you feel some comfort from knowing that there are many of us here on FF that DO understand how you feel and what you are going through (from a fertility perspective at least). You sound like such a brave person given all the things that have been thrown at you in the last few years. You should allow yourself to be proud of how strong you are and what a great role model you will be for your gorgeous boy. I too was terrified of IVF (and sorry, mine is not a positive story, our first go hasnt worked) but Im still here, and still fighting, as I know you will too. Try not to feel too angry honey, I know its easy for me to say but anger is such a destructive emotion, it hurts nobody but you  . And you deserve better than that.
Take it easy, and feel free to PM me if you want to chat
xxxxxx


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## gizmo123 (Nov 19, 2005)

Thank you so much for the reply - to be honest I think since AF arrived yesterday I have bottled up all these feelings until finding out another friend is pregnant tipped me over the edge     it makes you feel like such a crap friend.

Thank you also for what you said about Oliver - you are right, I know he is beautiful and deserves a 'happier' mummy. I just wish my DH would share something about how he feels - each month I just end up saying yet again 'I'm not pregnant' and yet again he says NOTHING! I know he is also going through this yet why am I the only one who seems so bloody upset. I just want to stop    

Thank you again xx


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## B.Omple (Mar 14, 2008)

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. Life does test us and for some of us it seems to test us more than others. You sound like you have had a really tough time of things and I really pray things will be better for you - don't give up. 

I completely understand how you feel. I have had Chemo in the past and was not told about the possibility of freezing eggs for the future. I was very angry for a long while about this, but at the end of the day I can't turn the clock back and am trying to concentrate on things I can do something about (which is difficult sometimes). By the time I wanted to start a family I had ovarian failure due to the Chemo. We have had 3 IVF cycles with eggs donated by my sister and all with negative results. Money is tight, but we had the first cycle on the NHS and the second cost us £750 for a frozen embryo cycle. 

I know you are terrified of trying IVF and how you will feel if it does not work, but maybe it's something you can look into when you are feeling stronger. Can you check with your GP if you are eligible for one paid cycle on the NHS? 

We have two embies frozen now and if it does not work we will stop. It is hard on your 'heart' and so very disappointing when it doesn't work, it must be hard for you both if you are living by your cycle. I know that when we have had our 2ww before testing it does put a strain on our relationship and the tears seem to be never ending. But they do stop..really they do. It's hard for him to see me so upset and sometimes I forget that he is just as upset as I am because he doesn't show it as much. I know he's trying to be strong for both of us. Maybe ask your DH how he feels, he may not have wanted to show how upset he has been if he knows you are having a hard time.

Don't feel guilty about feeling how you do about your friends pregnancy, it's natural. It doesn't make you a bad person, you're only human  . I truly hope things get better for you you have had such a hard time of it and deserve another little ray of light to be a brother of sister to Oliver.  

Take care,
Bx


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## Three boys (Mar 12, 2003)

Hi Gizmo,

I just stumbled across your post and wanted to send you a big hug   . You were kind enough to reply to me the other week when I was asking about plagiocephaly and I'm so sorry to read your feeling like this.

Life is crap sometimes, for so many reasons and by the sound of it you have had your fair share of knocks.

All I want to say is look at that beautiful picture of your little boy, that's your reason why your here and why you have to keep going.

Hope things have got a bit better over the last few days.

Take it easy x

Love Claire x


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