# Adoption - DH has children we don't see - will this be a problem?



## Miranda79 (Jul 30, 2013)

Dear Ladies

My DH and I have, after much soul searching and due to infertility, decided we would like to adopt.  I long to be a mother but I know I could love completely and be a brilliant mother to any child; it doesn't need to be my own.  

That said, my DH has 3 children who, several years ago were forced to make a decision; either see their mum or their dad; heartbreakingly they chose their mother (they ahd lived with her since the divorce yeare before) and we have not seen them since.  My DH was, and would be again, the most wonderful father and any child would benefit from having him in their lives; something his own children will have missed out on now for so much of their growing up.  

My DH has naturally grieved for his children ever since and they have all missed out on the fantastic relationship they had prior to her evil.  But now, when we yearn to have our own family and find out we cannot, we are told that him having children that choose not to see him would more than likely go against us and even worse - that she - the devil herself may be approached for her opinion on whether or not WE would make good parents.  

I am livid, and beside myself that this may be it - that we will never be deserved parents to a needy child, and I never a mother, because of the beurocracy that doesn't look at each individual case on its merits.  

is there any one out there that has had this experience?


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Miranda 
Haven't had this experience but you can phone around various agencies and explain and ask what they think. Can't hurt to ask. 
Good luck hope it works out for you xxxx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

I would be very very honest about this at the start. In my own experiance as a child who doesn't have a relationship with my father. he tried to adopt with his new wife, the agency contacted me & my mum an because of our relationship which wasn't a positive one his application was refused.m

Obviously the circumstances of why I don't see mine an why your step children don't see theirs are different. But my dad told them we all get in fine, which was a big lie.

The agency had a written reference frm siblings & my mum then had a home visit .

Gd luck Hun x


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Hi
I agee with the other posts, you need to be honest from the start, call SS and chat and go to a few info sessions in your local area. But be honest with them at all times.

They will Definatley want to contact your DH ex wife (children's mother) as they will want a reference and to ask questions about his parenting as part of your adoption assessment.

Im not sure how old the children are, but if they are school age your SW might also want to contact the school / teachers as they do this if you have birth children

Good luck x


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Hi,

I have no personal experience of this - but my best friend was in this exact situation last year, she decided to follow us down the adoption route in December last year and her husband has 3 children who's wicked birth mother made it very difficult for him to have a relationship with. They were up front from the start and their social worker dealt with any obstacle or hurdle as she approached it. She did extra references to validate what they told her, they in fact came and spoke to me as I had witnessed the relationship he had with his children until they were poisoned against him.

You are quite right that she may be approached for her side of the story, that said, how much of it they include in your PAR is their decision.

Don't be put off, just be completely honest and make sure they are aware you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

Just to add - they were approved in August, and went to matching panel yesterday and start introductions with a little boy on Monday. 

Good luck x


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## mummy to little pea (Nov 8, 2013)

YES and OMG it's soooo soooo worrying.  But all is not lost.

My DH has 2 other children who are now adults but he has not seen them since the ages of about 10 year old, I was beside myself and thought this could have completely ruined my chance of becoming a mammy.

We advised SS of everything saying that they split up, my DH moved away and saw them once a year until their 10th birthday (they are 23yr old now).

This did not have a negative impact at all and we are sitting here with DD asleep in bed right now and aout to embark on our 1st christmas together.

Be upfront and honest with SS tell them what you have said here that it was not done because he did not love them it was done because he loved them.

Good luck in your journey x


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