# Grandparents!!



## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Hi Girls, I've not been on this website for a couple of years  It's good to be back. Hope you are all well... you may remember my battle to get LO. I am in a different place now...


I'll tell you my difficulty. I (or should it be we)have a gorgeous, adorable adopted ( I don't think of him as that anymore) boy. He has been with us now for 3 years. I was off maternity full year. Then last year worked 4 days then went back to work 5 days (needs must) and I am having a NIGHTMARE with my inlaws. Gran thinks she is the Mum.   I noted this from the start and have controlled the situation I thought pretty well until tonight....my LO said 'Listen you don't need to come home early from work as I don't mind either way - being at Grannies or home (he is a pleaser - wants to please everyone) . Gran is very possesive of her time with him. She told me quite early on , in her house, that MY son could do whatever he wanted!!


Bit of background info. here...she has my husbands sister's daughter now living with her (I know hard to follow stick in! Lol) My MIL and my sister in law DONT GET ON! Mt sister in law told me before we got LO that she would totally take over. I just thought family politics and ignored. BUT it is coming true. I now don't pick LO up at Grans as Gran takes over and lets him do what he wants. DH picks him up and even then has to put his foot down . Think he is frightened of her too. 


 This situation is making me miserable  Thinking I need to take a stance maybe just brave it and pick him up and argue with her rules in front of LO(my basic nightmare as don't like confrontation)This is  NOT the way I was brought up. I am so angry now that I feel that is the ONLY option I have.


Does anyone else have cotrolling Grandparents?? Grandpa does stick up for gran but tries not to upset  , I think (?) and he tends to keep out of it. Sister in law says he is just as bad as her at taking over.    


It's a really tricky situation as don't want to upset DH but it's now affecting my emotional health. I've already decided to go 4 days at work - with much debate with DH as we might struggle for holidays. I'm speaking to my manager next weeek - don't think this will solve all the issues tho. Grandparents have him 8am to 9am then 3.15pm to 5pm every day. When I come in from work I am exhausted - make dinner - do bedtime and there is NO quality time. 


I have tried doing less work and more mothering this results in me being mega stressed at work!! It's like I cannot win   Right I am now going to stop ranting ....and send this before I don't.  

Hope it all makes sense. ANY help / advice appreciated. Noddles XXX


PS My family live far away and are not able to help much. They do agree that the 'family' situation is a bit wierd though.


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## bulmer (Sep 5, 2010)

Just a  thought before you go to four days is your employer flexible enough to let you do two early finishes instead - that way you could do school pick up twice a week and limit GP contact more effectively. The bit of extra playtime after school can make a huge difference to LO and the division of care during the week gives you a lot of control back x


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## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Hi Bulmer, 
Thanks for your reply.    
It's a good idea however I work set hours in a day and I cannot change these. 


Ranted and raved at DH last night which got me nowhere so think I need to   and just get on with it!


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

In my opinion men and their mums are a difficult one. My husband would never ever stick up for me against his mum even if he thought she was in the wrong. He just won't hear a word against her. If she was doing my childcare I think I would have lost my mind by now so well done for managing as well as you have done.

Personally I think you need to just go and pick up - he's your son so don't let anyone stop you from time with him or try to dictate your relationship with him. We all know how hard we have fought to be parents so maybe a little confrontation now is another hurdle you're going to have to jump.

Good luck


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## mommylonglegs (Jun 9, 2014)

I have lived your situation.  Please take my advice if you want to avoid mega problems when you hit the difficult teenage years.  Take back control now, because anyone who says your son can do what he likes in their home is seriously disrespecting your role as his parent and worse, is doing your son real damage.  He need to respect you and the other grown ups should reinforce that.  Otherwise he will grow up disregarding and disrespecting you.  I had the same problem with my own mother who was so possessive and wanted to own my son body and soul, when he hit 15 he was a nightmare cos she had taught him to ignore me cos she was his only real friend as she gave him everything he wanted.  Everything he wanted included time off school so his education suffered, endless sweets, he now has lost many of his teeth and is only 22.  She was always a control freak and nearly cost me my relationship with my only child.  He was so rebellious as a teen because of the conflicting information from adults and family in fighting. Please don't make the mistake I did, it will cost you dear years down the line!  he had to go into care for 6 months at 15 which broke my heart.  it was the only way I could stop him running up to my mothers because in his immature mind she was his best friend but I could see she was causing him real damage. children need discipline and love from parents. If I had my time over with hindsight I would have stayed at home and never had anyone to look after my child, especially a control freak.  Miraciously I have now got a good relationship with my son which I am thankful for everyday but which has taken  8 years to put right and gave me a mental breakdown 4 years ago.  He is living nearby and working full time but it has been so difficult to get to this point. I wish you all the luck and know how difficult it is to try to balance family life but remember this.... Family is supposed to work WITH you not against you. Xxx


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## notgivingup (Apr 13, 2012)

Does your sons school have a breakfast club/after school club which might help working hours fit around? We are lucky that our after school club is cheap as chips (almost!) and breakfast club is free so I can start work earlier and finish worker earlier. Good luck.  Whilst grandparents can be amazing there are lots of drawbacks and control can be one of them! X


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## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Hi Girls, Thanks for the replies. TicToc - I think you're right. I've decided to start picking LO up again. I am planning this for after Xmas hols. I will put all my positive energy into it. 


Notgivingup (and don't it's so worth it) - Yes there is a  breakfast club but Gran & granpa would be motally offended if we did that. They'd probably fall out with us completely  


Mommylonglegs - Glad to hear your relationship with your son is better. You are right with your phrase - "FAMILY ARE SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH YOU." thats how I was brought up. Each time they do something hurtful I will now remember your advice. Thanks x


Thanks for the help girls. i am aware of putting this off a little but don't want loads of upset before xmas... so will start my assertiveness after xmas !! I find this so hard.


Feeling more empowered  


Noodles XXX


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