# Getting over our BFN



## rikschick (Aug 29, 2007)

Hi guys. As you can see from my signature, I recently got a BFN from our first IVF cycle. This was after a weak BFP on test date. AF had appeared the day before, but it took another four days until we tested negative. Our clinic explained that our embyro had implanted, but then somehting after that point happened to give us our BFN. At first I was devastated - wishing it had either been a strong BFP or a clear BFN. We had to wait four more days after our already gruelling 2ww to get an answer. However, now I am feeling more positive about the fact that I did technically 'get pregnant', even if it was for a very short time. 

Once we found out it had been a negative cycle for sure, DH and I were straight back into work and busy social lives - we just thought we could get on with things. That seemed to be ok for the first week, but last week was awful. We were both so exhasuted and emotional - I felt like crying when driving to work and shopping in Tescos! We decided that we couldn't just move on and forget - we needed time to 'mark' what had happened and grieve. 

This morning, DH bought three white balloons - one for each time I have been pregnant, and we sat somewhere quiet, overlooking the countryside to let them go. For each one we talked (and cried) about when we had the BFP, what it meant and how we felt. We spent time acknowledging the fact that infertility is very sad and we can't always carry on as normal. Letting them go was really symbolic for me - that feeling you have when you just pray that your little one will stay inside...

I have felt much better since then. All the emotion I have been bottling up, I feel that I have released -as well as doing something simple to acknowledge the loss of something so precious to us. 

I know that this won't work for everybody, 

Lots of love to every one else who has suffered with a negative cycle .....

xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Rikschick, i just wanted to say how sorry i am but also what a great way to let all your feelings out and thankyou for sharing a very private occasion with us   

i hope you get a BFP very soon   

pam xx


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

Rikschick
Your story is so moving. How are you coping now a month on? I got my first BFN 3 days ago and I can't see this pain ending. I can't imagine being a month down the line. At the minute i don't want to see anyone or do anything. Did you feel like this?

Christine x


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## rikschick (Aug 29, 2007)

Hi Christine. 

We are feeling much more positive a month on. At the time I just felt as though I was being sucked into a downward spiral of dark depression that I had never felt before. I felt as though I wouldn't feel happy about anything again. The release of the balloons helped incredibly. DH and I needed a physical, tangible way of expressing our grief, letting go and saying goodbye. When you loose your embies you have nothing physical left - holding onto and releasing our balloons was something I could touch - I even kissed the last one before I let it go 

We felt we could never go through another cycle - now we feel ready, but are still going to wait until after Christmas. We have just had a few days away together and actually really enjoyed ourselves. We got drunk, ate lovely food - I even left my folic acid at home!

Of course the emptiness is still there.. There were some babies around at the hotel and DH found that hard. I just convince myself that our time will come by whatever means. We are going to a christening on Sunday and it will take all my strength to get through the day. I know we will make our apologies and leave early - but we will go and we will try our best. However, it is important to realise you can't do this all the time and I think, there will always be a time for tears....

I really hope the future starts to seem brighter for you. I'm sure it will. There are so many of us ladies that have been where you are...never lose hope...

Take care and lots of love, xx


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

Thanks. That gives me hope. I'm glad you are feeling stronger.

I'm taking each step as it comes at the minute. We're going to the Lakes tomorrow till Fri so that will be nice. We're also getting a puppy in 3 weeks so that is giving me something to focus on and has made me smile.

I'm still having moments where I feel desperately sad but I suppose that is normal. The one thing that does fill me with absolute fear and dread is the follow uo appt. I'm terified of what they will tell me.

Hope you get through the christening ok. Thinking of you.

Christine x


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## Boomy (Oct 22, 2007)

Rikschick - thank you so much for your posting.  It is a great idea to release balloons and I am glad it helped you to try and move on.  It must have been a very emotional moment for you.

We had a m/c at 18 weeks.  A little boy who we called Tama.  We planted a tree in our backyard in his memory.  It helped us to grieve, and I quite often sit outside by the tree and think of what could have been and how happy I was for 18 weeks!  It actually brings me peace.

Your words were inspiring to me.  We will never give up hope either.  I will never look back on my life and regret that I didn't try everything possiible.  One way or another we will become parents.  This will be our final ICSI, and then we will look into adoption.  I am meant to be a mother, it is all I ever wanted.  

Good luck with whatever you decide to do in the future.  I hope all your wishes come true.
And thanks again for your inspirational posting.


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

Tracy I wish you lots of luck with this tx.

Christine x


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