# Struggling with probable chemical pg



## ladybird83 (May 18, 2015)

Hello

I am currently having positive pregnancy tests and waiting for what seems like 100 years to have another beta tomorrow (at 13dp5dt) to check if my levels are going up. I'm sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. Things look so bleak to me because yesterday my beta was only 24. In my head I have given up hope and know that this is not going to end well. 

I feel sad, angry and deflated and I'm already try to work out what my next step will be. This is further complicated by a decision I have to make about our last embryo: should I use it or leave it for my wife, who carried our daughter. The thing is, I feel so drained by this whole infertility treatment business I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going. I feel a pressure I have not felt until now, probably because I know it is the beginning of the end, where I absolutely dread failing further and I'm cowardly thinking I should not even take the risk. Anyone else feeling in a similar way? Have you had chemical pregnancies/very early miscarriages? If so, how long did you wait before starting treatment again?


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## boxfish (Jan 30, 2014)

If I were you I'd prepare for the worst. Such low numbers do usually not end with a happy and healthy pregnancy. So sorry  

I just had my fifth mc and I had a stillbirth (@34 weeks) last year. I hate waiting in between treatments so always kept it as short as possible. My last mc happend last week, next transfer is planned for June 13th. My clinic made me skip a cycle and I really hate them for that


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## ladybird83 (May 18, 2015)

Thank you, and I am really sorry for your losses. If there was a hole in the ground I would happily jump into it and disappear right now. I know in time I will be fine, but it is the same every time, no matter how many times I face the disappointment.


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## Melly2015 (Jun 29, 2015)

Hi Ladybird, 

Firstly, I am so sorry that you are going through this   . I hope that your beta tomorrow shows that you just have a late implanter. If not, I thought I'd share what I've experienced...

I had a chemical pregnancy during my last IVF round. I don’t know what my betas were as my clinic don’t test them, but my test on OTD was positive (equivalent of 11dp5dt, was a FET cycle). At my clinic they get you to test again a week later (so 18dp5dt) and I still got a positive test. I found out that it was a chemical pregnancy when I went for a scan at 7 weeks, and there was nothing there. They did a pregnancy test on that day and it was negative. So not a great experience. I was very confused over my feelings at the time, the loss and grief I experienced was so much more than I expected, but although you don’t have the same physical aspects of a miscarriage that might occur a bit later on- you still get the emotional impact of a pregnancy loss, which is so difficult. 

I imagine that you do feel drained at this stage, especially as you’re still waiting to see what happens, and trying to hold onto some hope while at the same time preparing yourself in case it doesn’t work out. The whole IVF process is draining, mentally and physically. Looking at your history, you’ve had the same amount of IVF embryo transfers as me- my first fresh cycle was a bfn, then my FET was a chemical and I’ve currently started another fresh cycle and am in the process of the most epic down regulation in history (my body doesn’t seem to want to down reg this time   !!) but that’s another story! My cycle went back to normal fairly quickly after the chemical pregnancy and I had 2 normal periods, and then started treatment on day 21 of my next cycle. Emotionally, I couldn’t have gone any earlier into another cycle, but everybody is different, and you might be ready sooner. 

I can’t really help you with the decision on your last embryo. It’s genetically yours, and will always be even if your wife does carry it, but I do also understand the desire to carry a baby yourself. Even if my husband was physically able to carry a baby (and didn’t have a ridiculous phobia of needles   ), I don’t think I’d want him to do it, as I really want to be able to carry a baby myself. I’m going to be adding clexane to this cycle in case my blood is clotting too easily (our difficulties TTC are still totally unexplained, so am trying a few more things), and I will also be adding intralipids, which help if there's the possibility of any immune response issues. I also had a scratch. Are any of these avenues you could take if you do decide to try yourself with your last embryo? 

Try not to be too disheartened, I know that’s easier said than done. You got a bfn first time round, but even if this round doesn’t work (and there’s still a chance it might)- you have got pregnant and can again. That’s what I cling to and that's what has given me the positivity I needed to start this cycle. This may just have not been the right embryo, and your final frozen embryo might be the one.  

Fingers crossed for you for tomorrow   , and with whatever decisions you make going forward


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## Jenbal (Apr 27, 2014)

Hi ladybird,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is not unusual to start planning another cycle so soon. I have had 2 chemical pregnancies and started my FETs straight away.

In regards to your last embryo I think it's a very personal decision, I am of the opinion that regardless of who carries the baby you will still be mum. I am using donor embryos and to be honest, it didn't seem like a giant leap for me. Think long and hard before you make this decision but go easy on yourself, this journey is hard!

I am on my 6th round and am currently looking at what appears to be a miscarraige. Meant to be 9/10weeks only measuring at 6/7 with a heartbeat. Weekly scans until they have determined whether this is a viable pregnancy and I am already looking into my next cycle. It's my way of coping.

Be kind to yourself and share your concerns with your wife. 

Jen xxxxx


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## ladybird83 (May 18, 2015)

Thank you all, I am grateful for your support. Think I need to get this over with tomorrow, have some thinking time and then move on. It's the limbo I can't handle - if this embryo is not going to work then I want it to get out so I can have my AF, a good cry and move on. Jenbal, I cope in a similar way and what scares me now is that I will soon not have any more treatment to plan. How will I cope then? I'm so sorry about your possible miscarriage - I have everything crossed for you.

Melly, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I will look into the things you mention once I decide what to do next.


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Ladybird, I replied to your post in the early scans thread but if you were like me when I had the same news, you probably didn't go back to that thread. I just wanted to say that I hope you will change your signature. Infertility is a horrible numbers game and you've been horribly unlucky. This has nothing to do with you as a person and it certainly doesn't mean you are a failure, not by any means. When you get through this - and it is when, not if - you will emerge stronger and more ready to take on the world. It will make you nervous too, I won't lie, but when I look back at the rubbish I've gone through with trying to get baby #1 I've also seen how much stronger it has made me, even if I am nervous. Early loss is horrible - I've been through it twice now - but the strength I've gained has been the one positive that I've been able to take forward. 

You WILL get through this, I promise. And I really really hope you can change your signature - not one person on this board will think you are a failure. Because you are NOT. 

Please take care and be kind to yourself. Xxx


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## ladybird83 (May 18, 2015)

Violeta - no, I am like you, I can't go back to look at that board. But thank you for replying all the same. Infertility sucks, but I have changed my signature. I still feel like a massive failure but there is no point wallowing in it. I think I will carry this feeling with me for the rest of my life. I do feel a little bit better at times and having a daughter already means I have to find a way to not make her feel like she is not enough. But the sadness hits me sometimes and all I want to do is crawl into the bed and hide from the world under my duvet. Is this normal?

I have managed to move on a little by planning my next and probably last treatment. I'm having a scratch and my TSH test came back as 0.66, which my clinic is happy with, although I thought it should be a little higher? I  considered immunes but just don't think there is any point. I wouldn't have the drugs anyway and I'm nearly at the end of my journey. 

So we're going to try another natural in June. Those is bittersweet for me as I know you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. But all my failures makes me wonder why this one would be any different. I guess this is the way life is - you can't always have what you want but have to find a way to live regardless.


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Completely normal. I promise. Sometimes the most I could do in one day was move from the bed to the sofa and sleep some more. I worried that I was going to fall into a depression. I came close, but I didn't fall completely. I had the failure feeling too and it's awful the way we put pressure on ourselves. I don't know how to read TSH and I'm in Denmark too so I'm not sure if the thresholds are the same, but trust your endocrinologist if they are satisfied with that. 

You're still really raw at the moment so don't make any big decisions on anything now, as much as it's tempting because you just want to take the bull by the horns! But it's equally important to let yourself heal mentally - loss is a lot to handle. How are you and DW as a unit? I ask because my husband and I fought like crazy after our last loss to the point where we were going to go for counselling. The only thing that got us through was by taking a reluctant break and getting our heads back in the right place. Sending you loads of squeezes. Xxx


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## ladybird83 (May 18, 2015)

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my ramblings and actually responding with some very wise words. I appreciate what you are saying about taking time to heal, but in a way I feel like I have no right to consider this a proper loss. It was so early and if I hadn't tested early in wouldn't have known. So a part of me thinks I should just get over this. I'm not having any treatment this month so I'm not going straight into another cycle. But at the same time I have to carry on as this can't go on forever. I am torn between feeling like I just want treatment to end on one side, but on the other is can't imagine how I will cope with the sadness I'm going to feel at not ever having another child. My wife is amazing and we are doing well. We wenth through a tough time last year, arguing and not being very close, but taking a break was the best decision we made and things have got a lot better. I was desperately sad just before we decided on the break as nothing was happening and everybody around me seemed to get pregnant. This time it is different as I know I will one day come out the other side and whatever happens I will be ok, even happy. This CP is taking its toll on us again - we are both sad about it - but we can talk about it without arguing. That, at least, is positive.

I'm from Norway and we had two of my IUI cycles in Denmark. Our daughter was conceived there too so it has special meaning for us. Hope things are going well for you.


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