# Exhausted after failed ICSI



## [email protected] (Mar 16, 2011)

Hi all,

I wondered if anyone out there has experienced *utter exhaustion* after their negative cycle?

I went through a second cycle of ICSI in June / July 2011 which resulted in a BFN despite hopeful expectations (the embryos were good quality and the transfer was problem-free). I was on 450mu Gonal F (maximum dose) but I did not go through down regulation beforehand.

I am finding it very hard to carry on as normal, not least because EIGHT women in my office are currently pregnant (which is most of them because I work mostly with men). I am literally falling asleep at my desk. It's like I can't support my head on my shoulders I'm so tired. And I can't concentrate for toffee. I just want to curl up and sleep.

I don't know how long this is going to last and how soon I will start to feel like myself again. It's making it so hard for me to stay positive.

Does anyone have any insight? It wasn't this bad last time.

Thanks,
Bartlebeans x


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## jamaicababytrying (Jun 29, 2010)

so sorry for your loss. 

I understand... don't have any words of wisdom but i just wanted to give you  

it's still exhausting for me and my failed cycle was in March, I wish you all the best. It must be difficult to have so many pregnant women at your job.

Stay strong and find something that makes you at least smile. I have started to read again and beginning to bake again as well so we'll see how long that lasts.

JBT


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## doddyclaire (Oct 4, 2010)

Hi Bartlebeans

I feel the same to be honest, after 2nd failure it just seems that much harder to pick myself up and carry on, I am also totally shattered and my body is doing all sorts of strange things, that if I hadn't had 3 negative tests I could tell myself i was in fact pg.  But i know thats not the case..

I hope you feel better soon, i'm thinking its a cumulative effect of all the drugs and that it'll wear off soon xx


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## JulieHen (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi Bartlebeans

My heart goes out to you and the other girls on this thread as we're all going through (or have gone through) the same thing.

I got a BFN on my first ICSI last Thursday and have been struggling ever since.  I think doddyclaire is right, there are so many drugs working their way out of our system, we're bound to feel less than normal..... Hang on in there, I'm sure physical normality is just around the corner.

I know exactly what you mean re other people being pregnant!!!  Feels like the entire world is expecting at the moment.  Currently my sister-in-law is 5 months pregnant and going for her 20wk scan today, one of my best friends is 6 months pregnant and my other best friend gave birth 2 weeks ago!  Talk about timing!  I don't know about you girls, but I feel completely useless as a woman!  I just don't understand why my stupid body couldn't hold on to my 2 little embryos!  

How are you doing emotionally?  I'm a complete wreck!  Can't seem to stop crying (to the point where I was sent home from work yesterday as I was good for nothing).  I just can't concentrate on anything else (hence me sitting at work typing this instead of actually working!) at all, the whole experience is all consuming.

I've read other posts on FF and in general people seem to pick themselves up and get back into positive thinking mode after a day or 2, but I'm really struggling, it doesn't feel like anyone (outside of FF) understands.

I know that those of you amazing ladies who have gone through this more than once will probably read this and roll your eyes as it's 'only' my first time .... but I guess everything's relative isn't it.

Sorry to ramble on ...... I'll shut up now 

Will sort my silly head out and get strong!!!

Julie xx


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## doddyclaire (Oct 4, 2010)

Julie - bless you, no one here would roll their eyes at you!!  Everyone recovers at a different rate so there's no right or wrong time period for getting over it.  If anything, I would say the first time is easier (sorry that prob doesn't help!!) as generally the first round is used to work out what level of drugs your system requires to get results.  And its generally accepted the first time is not so likely to work.

Yes, I too feel like a poor excuse for a woman, I had two embryos put back this time and neither stuck too, for that I don't understand why and I am still asking myself what went wrong...did I do something wrong?  Rationally I know thats not the case but thats human nature!
A friend of mine gave birth Saturday am, one best friend due in 17 days and another due in 25 days......its so hard, and bless them, they haven't a clue how it makes me feel, but I can't rain on their parades either..

I really hope you start recovering soon Julie, it is a grieving process and tears will come but they'll start to ease off soon, and you can maybe think about trying again.  Do you have a follow up appt soon?  Mine isn't for another 3 weeks  

You rant away hunny, we're all here, for the bad and the good 
xx


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## JulieHen (Jul 19, 2011)

Easier!  OMG!!    I can see why though, totally.

I guess knowing 4 people who have had IVF work first time hasn't helped as I was feeling SO positive ... "Why wouldn't it work first time for us too if it has for them ... it HAS to" kind of attitude.

It is said that the first time around your body isn't used to the barrage of drugs that's thrown at it so won't always respond with a positive result.  But I can't help but think that if we weren't responding well to the drugs, we wouldn't get to EC or ET?!  God this is so messed up!  

We've got our follow up appointment at Chelsfield BMI this Thursday at 18.50, so I've been sitting here today compilinga list of questions as long as my arm!  The specialist is going to wish we'd never walked through her door    but the way I see it, we've paid a fortune for this so we deserve to have all our questions answered, especially if we're going to be doing it all again.

How come your follow up isn't for another 3 weeks?  Is it purely because they can't fit you in??  Seems ages away when you're probably desperate for answers straight away.  I only called today and got one for Thursday.

Wow, you're being bombarded with new born babies too!  It seriously sucks doesn't it!  Like you say, you don't want to rain on their parade, but at the same time you're biting back envy and anger because "It should be me"!!!  we have lots of painted smiles to put on between us over the coming months don't we.  

Do you think you'll try again?  it's just so difficult, not only emotionally, but financially too isn't it.  We went straight into Private treatment as, at 38, I didn't want to waste a year+ on an NHS waiting list.

Just read your little signature history.  Am I right in thinking you're using DS like us?

Thank you for your kind words by the way ..... it's SO good to speak to someone who genuinely understands.  
Julie xx


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## doddyclaire (Oct 4, 2010)

My very first time was cancelled before EC as I just didn't respond, so technically i've had 3 go's at it, but the first doesn't count....well, emotionally it does!!
Wow, your follow up is real quick!!  My clinic just couldn't fit me in, they like a few weeks between neg and f/u, I think to get some of the emotions out of your system so that i'm rational when it comes to discussing next round.  But like you, I now have a list of questions thats pretty long!!
We're NHS, due to DP's cancer, they offered us the full 3 fresh cycles, I would have been able to have 3 frozen also but alas have never had anything to freeze   He has his man goo stored prior to radiotherapy!  So....we have one last fresh cycle to go for, and we will, I just hope to God it works!

Anyway hun, chat away whenever you like   I'm always popping on and off here 

xx


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## Loulou32 (Sep 20, 2010)

Hiya Ladies...

I wonder if I can join your group too?    I was on the June/July cycle buddies with doddyclaire  

Louh - sorry to hear you got a BFN too - bug hugs coming your way  

Bartlebeans - Sorry to hear that your feeling so exhausted, and it must be really hard for you too see all your colleagues at work pregnant    In time you will start to feel better Hun, and I'm sure it's all the drugs leaving our bodies.  I have still got weird brown spotting 12 days after stopping prognova, and have been having the worst pains in my ovaries for the last couple of days.  I've even taken ovulation tests and pregnancy tests, and both are negative.  So something weird is going on.  

Julie - Sorry to see that your cycle ended in a BFN too hun    I also see that your at the BMI chelsfield too, I'm under Mr Steer and have got my follow up meeting on the 10th August.  I originally said that I wasn't going to go down the route of having another go at IVF, but in my heart I know I'm not ready to give up.  So you never know we may be cycling around the same time down there.  I know what you mean about it feeling like a waste of money, as we paying privately there as well.  Keep us updated on what Dr Hannah suggests.  

Big hugs to everyone else  

Lou.x


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## doddyclaire (Oct 4, 2010)

Hi Loulou

Yeah, i've also still got the ovary pains and AF type pains too, means i'm still dependant on panty liners as i'm convinced i'll be bleeding any time!!

I've also pee'd on a stick a couple more times since otd, its that vague hope against hope of the first two tests being faulty, coupled with the really odd sensations i'd been having, but 3 negs surely means its neg!!

xx


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## habuiah (Sep 2, 2010)

Julie  i can totally sympathise with you i had my BFN on the 21st of July this being my 2nd attempt i had 3 embryos put back this time, and i have been crying everyday since, i just feel there is little hope for me, first off ,theres my age, so time is against me and 2nd theres the cost of another cycle for which i really cant afford, if i can get money together it wont be until next year and that seems a lifetime away it all adds to my misery  so i think 1 more try and thats it for me. And also seems like everyone around me is pg everywhere i go theres no getting away from it, I'm finding that very difficult.

Doddyclaire  Hope your doing OK its so upsetting to be at our 2nd attempt and to have to face another BFN it just wears you down keep thinking why why not this time, its also the cost issue for me as I'm self funding, i was on every supplement possible royal jelly coq10 eat etc, ate so healthy and still got me nowhere, my body has also been giving me grief had AF then 5 days later was spotting for a day or two then tmi strange pinky cm and dull aches like AF wanted to come again i could have sworn i felt pg but i know I'm not i think its our bodies just settling back down after all the drugs, are you going to try again?.

Loulou  I'm sorry it didn't work for you either its such a rollercoaster of emotions,we can totally understand how you are feeling at the moment and i hope we can support each other through this difficult time, Ive also had some spotting after my AF and tmi strange cm i don't think my body knows what to be doing.


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## JulieHen (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi Lou!   so sorry about your result!  Devestating!  It's good to find someone who's at Chelsfield at a similar time at last!  We were literally a few days apart during our treatment.  Will be interesting to see the diffference in treatment between Miss Hanna and Dr Steer.  I'm kind of worried about our follow up consultation with her this evening as on the 2 occasions I've met her she's been very abrupt and I've got LOADS to ask her (once at EC when I was having the General Anaesthetic jammed into my hand .. which they got wrong and had to repeat in my other hand without numbing cream, so had to try and sign the consent form with 2 big needles in my hands, I said I needed to lie down as I was about to faint & she called me a big baby! I think she was being humerous but can't be sure!  Then again at ET where she swept into the operating theatre, did the deed, grabbed my hand, smiled and swept out again ...she's not known for her pleasantries or bedside manner, but I don't care if she's good at her job!).

We ideally want to start again as soon as possible but I know there are HFEA guidelines that mean we have to wait for 3 months .... I'm going to ask her whether it's 3 months until we can start the drugs, or whether it means 3 months until actual EC/ET because I really want to start doing the drugs at next months period!  Impatient ... moi!  

I'm feeling SO much better today, don't get me wrong, it still hurts like hell emotionally, but I'm now focussing on the next round and need to get myself excited about it.  I'm also going to start acupuncture this time around and will order the Zita West book & CD .... quite frankly I'll try anything whether it's hocus pocus or not because last time I found it nearly impossible to relax, I was so insanely stressed out the whole time and a human ball of anger from the all the hormones, I desperately need some help in staying calm next time!

It's good you're not giving up ...... we'll know when it's the right time to do so I guess    have you been at Chelsfield the whole time?  To be honest, even though we've only tried once so far I'm SO tempted to change clinics .... I keep reading loads about the ARGC, their success rate for my age group (3 for ICSI is 43%!  Compared the the National average of 19% and Chelsfield's of 17%!    It's about £10k though    how have you found Chelsfield in general?

I'll definitely keep you updated as to what Miss Hanna says ....... please do the same to me with Dr Steer!  

Habuiah   I can completely relate with how you're feeling and the crying  

The feeling of it being a race against time is so overwhelming isn't it!    It's like, it took me until I was in my mid to late 30's to meet someone I finally wanted to settle down and have children with, and yet now I'm being punished for it!  Everything seems so unfair.

I haven't had any physical syptoms since my BFN though, that was last Thursday ..... AF arrived on Saturday ... Sunday was an experience as I think that was when I officially lost my little embryos, no one warned me about THAT!  Then AF finished yesterday ... it's as if nothing ever happened now ... which I realise probably seems lucky to you girls who are suffering with all sorts since, so I guess I'm grateful for that ..... it's a very sad feeling though ... all that .... and then nothing    

Doddyclaire   having your treatment stopped definitely counts, that must be hugely difficult, getting so far and then not being allowed to take it to completion .... talk about hard to take!

Like you, I didn't have any to freeze either ... it's draining to think we have to start a whole fresh process over again isn't it!  When do you think you'll be ready to give it your next try?  I'll be pulling SO hard for you ... your circumstances are heartbreaking what with what you and your husband have had to battle!  You must both be so incredibly strong to have come this far!

Bartlebeans - You've been very quiet .... how are you getting on?  Feeling any better?  

Julie xx


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## Loulou32 (Sep 20, 2010)

Hello Ladies... I didn't want to just read and run, so am just popping on to send you all much needed hugs,    after spending the day out seeing Shrek in London, I am utterly exhausted. Pathetic I know! I'm either completely unfit, or the drugs are still in system.  I have been sweating like a beast today as well! it's vile! not sure why though as it's not even that warm out there.      Gross!
Anyhow goodluck with your consultation with Ms Hannah tonight Julie.    I have heard she hasn't got a very good bedside manner, although at Queen Mary's hospital in Sidcup they rate her highly.  But my hairdresser warned me that she can come across quite abrupt.  Which is why I went for Mr Steer, and also he came highly recommended as well.  Anyhow I'm rambling now.

Will pop back on in the morning for more and better responses to everyone.

Love Lou.x


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## JulieHen (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi Lou

I hope you enjoyed your day in London yesterday despite being shattered!

Well we saw Miss Hanna last night, she was fine, very business like as we expected, but, despite her clinic running massively late, she didn't rush us at all and made sure we'd asked all the questions we needed and that we were ok. She said that the the only obvious thing she could think of as to why it didn't work for us this time was that when she went in for the egg collection she could see that the endometrium has thinned off a little since my last scan, which made implantation tricky (or noneventful as was the case). She said she would adjust my drugs accordingly next time around to prevent the hormone drop that occurred.

They like to leave 3 full cycles before trying again, which is SO frustrating as we were hoping to start as soon as possible, instead we have to wait until October, which seems lifetime away! October is also a bad month as my best frined is due to give birth then .... so I can feel the stress building already!

I've read a lot about low dose aspirin being good to take, which we was never discussed during my last treatment ... so I brought it up with Miss Hanna last night and she said it's definitely beneficial as it increases the viscosity of the womb. I'm going to start taking 1 x 75mg tablet of that per day now, along with my Pregnacare Plus just to get it properly in my system for next time. I was a bit annoyed though that nothing had been mentioned last time! I consider anything that's deemed advantageous important enough to mention at pre-treatment appointments! 

*Also ....... as a little note to anyone going through this privately ... something that isn't advertised but we discovered by chance .... if you forego your free NHS attempt (which we did purely due to the length of the waiting list), if you have a chat with your GP, dependent on the views of each individual medical practice, sometimes they prescribe your drugs through the NHS for free, but like I say, ONLY if you forego your round of NHS IVF/ICSI & they'll only do this once. I spoke to my GP and she was only to happy to prescribe them last time, so we saved about £1,500! it's not common knowledge, so if you don't ask you don't get! Hopefully that will save some of you a few quid!*

Have a good day everyone ... . strength and thoughts to you all. 

Julie xx


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## Loulou32 (Sep 20, 2010)

Hiya Julie,
I'm glad your meeting went okish last night and that Miss Hannah has got a new plan of action for your next treatment.  I was lucky enough too to have a great GP last time and he prescribed my IVF drugs on the NHS as well.  I thought they might make you wait 3 months    Which is a bit of a pain for me too, as that would mean me starting in October as well if we decide to have a fresh cycle.  We have got a holiday to Spain in the half term, so that would mean waiting until November.  But think if that is the case then I will wait till after Xmas, so I can enjoy the festivities   
I have only had one round of IVF with them, and then we used our frozen Blastocysts for a FET, so started my treatment with them in November last year.  I was thinking of changing clinics as well, but my DH isn't so sure.  I looked on the Clinic reviews on this website for the ARGC and it's now put me off.  Have a look if you can.  

 to habuiah, Doddyclaire, jamaicababytrying and Bartlebeans.  I hope you are all ok?  

Lou.x


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## JulieHen (Jul 19, 2011)

Lou, just wanted to say good luck for your follow up consultation tomorrow, would love to hear how it goes  

Take care 
Julie x


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## Loulou32 (Sep 20, 2010)

Hiya Julie,

I hope you are well?   Will update you tomorrow once we have seen Mr Steer.  God knows what he is going to suggest tho   as we had the top grade blastocysts put back and I was on every other drug under the sun, so not sure what else we can do differently.    That sounded really negative didn't it  .  Just worrying now about spending out for another round of IVF and getting another negative.  

Right must stop this, and start feeling move positive  

Chat soon. 

Lou.x


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