# May I join you ladies....



## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Hello, 
I have been visiting FF for the last 2 years or so after my Myomectomy 3 years ago.
I have been posting on the Fibroid section, where I have "met" some absolutely lovely ladies and sharing stories and expereinces there has been helpful and inspiring.
I have just been told that I am to have a Hysterectomy, due to more Fibroids, Endometriosis, my uterus has grown into my abdominal wall, and adhesions have stuck to my bowel.  
I have an absolutely wonderful partner, who has 2 beautiful daughters that I get on with so well, they are 8 and 5.  He has been an absolute Angel to me, and I know that he will stick by me through all of this. We have only been together for 9 months and I feel so bad that Im going to put him through me being off my feet after major surgery.
My emotions are all over the place at the moment, I think Im being strong but am sat with tears in my eyes as I type this.

I feel that, for a long long time, I have deep down known that I would never be a mum. I love children and seem to have a ..whats the word, I cant think of it...when children are drawn to you as a person they like and know they can get on with and have fun with.... (sorry, my mind just isnt working right!!)
When I found out I had fibroids back in 06 I thought that it would be dealt with and eveything would be ok, but then last year, the pain was getting so bad I just knew that something else was amiss.

I dont know how I feel at the minute. My BF is brilliant, and I really want to open up and cry and talk about it, but at the same time I feel like Im a burden - he has his own issues with his ex and he is still reeling from the split from her and struggles with his girls not being with him. My heart goes out to him, I wish I could take his pain away, just as Im sure he wishes he could do the same for me.  

I feel that I am not myself, Im in discomfort after having a Laparoscopy & Diathermy 2 weeks ago. I feel bloated, unattractive and just downright rubbish for want of a better word. I hate myself, I hate my home, Im panicking about how Im going to pay my bills when Im off sick (I live alone) Im dreading Christmas as I cant afford to buy presents as I need to not spend anything in readiness as much as I can for when Im off. Its a vicious circle of events and I dont know what to do. I dont want to burden my mum with it all, she is worried enough about the operation and the mental side of it for me afterwards - I feel like Im trying to put on a brave face, telling people I'll deal with it but the truth is Im scared. How am I going to feel when I wake up and they have taken it all away? Will I feel like Im not "a woman" anymore? How will it affect me and my BF??
I want to get back to being me and enjoy my life, not be a miserable cow that I feel that I am.
Sorry for ranting but I have to off load this ...thank you for listening and hello to all you fellow FF.
xxxxxxx
Love
Karen
xxxxxx


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## Bambam (Feb 14, 2008)

Aw Karen      Am so sorry you're having such a tough time, it's such a major ordeal you're going through at the moment so offload all you need to hon    It sounds like you have an absolutely fantastic DP though so that is great news. You are going to need the help and support of those around you too so even though it's hard I would think about talking to your Mum and perhaps one or two close friends about how you are feeling inside. 

We've all experienced the feeling of being very low and feeling not ourselves but in time you will be back to you   It's impossible not to be upset and go through all the emotions you are experiencing at the moment.

Now is obviously not the right time to look in to this but having a hysterectomy does not mean the end of having children. Many women who have had POF (premature ovarian failure) or hysterectomies have used donor eggs so this does not have to be the end if you and your DP want children in the future  

I don't know if you are a crafty person or not but perhaps making some xmas presents would help both financially and also keep you occupied whilst you are off work? Knitting scarves, gloves etc... sewing something, making candles etc.... You can pick up wool very cheaply in some shops or of course on a well known auction website   The website could also give you some great ideas of cheap presents you can make or even buy as there are some absolute bargains to be had  

Once again i am so sorry you are going through this hon    

Amanda xx


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## Coco Ruby (Jul 21, 2009)

Hi Karen

I just wanted to write and say how sorry I am that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment.  I am not surprised that you feel so down and scared to be honest, you have a lot to deal with.  Firstly, you are bound to feel 'bloated' and unattractive because of the op you have already had and the physical problems that you are experiencing and what this actually means to you.  Try to remember that the feeling of unattractivness is in your mind, not in reality, you are still the same lovely person you were before the op!  It is going to take time for you to get over the main operation too, be kind to yourself and take some time to heal physically and emotionally.  You will still most definitely be a 'woman' after the op but I would imagine it will take time to adjust to what has happened, so I think it would be natural to worry you may feel like that.

Financially, are there a few ways that you can save a little money, particularly at Christmas - I am sure people would understand if you just sent cards or a very small token gift this year as times are hard.  As for the possibility of future children, DE is an option - not sure what your views are on this but I think it's important to let yourself grieve for the loss of the chance for your own biological child, not an easy thing to do I know.  Perhaps some counselling in this area might help?  Just so you can talk about your thoughts, feelings and fears?  I hope your bf can be a tower of strength to you as you deal with this situation.  I know you will get through this and emerge the other side very strong and looking forward to a bright future.  

I just wanted to send you a hug and my very best wishes    Take care xx


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi Karen,

I am sorry ive only just seen your post so apologies for the lateness.

I just want to send you big big  

It sounds like you have so much on at the moment and so much to think about - TG you have a wonderful bf.

The bit you wrote about when children are just drawn to you - I feel that way too - I love having my nephews neices and friends children over and im not afraid to get down on the floor and make an idiot of myself - I just never imagined id never have my own children to do it with  

Just take your time to look at things - I know it feels like a big snowball has hit you and you have 100 different things to do and think about but just break them down and deal with one thing at a time.

Christmas - well im sure people will more than understand.  Remember its not how much a gift cost but the thought that goes into it    

Keep us posted as to how your getting on - theres a general chat thread so come and join us on there  

Love

Debs xxx


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## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Thank you for your replies - its so nice to be able to talk honestly about your feelings on here isnt it - I sometimes feel like I have to put a face on things, but deep down everyone knows and tries to understand.
At the moment I have a head full of absolute rubbish - the things Im thinking about are pure waffle but the thoughts still keep coming into my head about how unattractive Im going to feel, the worry about money, work, just everything!!!  
My head is going at 100 miles an hour, I close my eyes and cant swith off. Its not particularly the operation Im worried about, I got through my myomectomy 3 years ago, whilst in the midst of divorce and house move 6 weeks after which I had to do alone, so the op I can cope with. Its my emotional state that Im concerned with; I started to take prozac 2 weeks ago, I really needed something to help try and calm me down. I feel like I cant talk to people properly, that I start to stammer and stutter, almost as if Im drunk;   and I dont want to go out of the "comfort zone" that I have, which is in the company of my gorgeous BF, his girls and my mum.
Im supposed to go out tonight to the theatre to see Grumpy Old Women, and Im terrified of going out with 12 ppl from work!!! Whats the heck is wrong with me.
Once again, sorry for ranting on, I just need to release some of this bottled in emotion.
Love
Karen
xxx


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