# Complicated emotions



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I have a picture of Grace when she was born and ages ago said I would show it to my sister. Well she came over the other day and asked to see it - I didn't want her to. She knows where I keep it and I almost had to wrestle with her so she wouldn't get to open the album. I was close to tears but stomped off to hide the album and I sorted myself out. Nothing more was said. But now thinking about it - I wonder what is going on? I feel territorial over it all of a sudden. I have this feeling that I never want anyone (apart from dh) to look at her. It is really weird and deep this feeling - like a lioness. I will fight anyone who tries to take my cub (only it's a picture - what is that about?) 
Another strange factor in this is that my sister was there when I had Grace (!) She was there to help me through it and help dh cope with it all. So she has already seen her in real life. I don't know why I'm being so irrational.
Bernie


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Bernie

I can't ever begin to know what you have been through and how you are feeling, so cannot offer much except I wanted to send you hugs of support.

Maybe the fact your sister wanted to see the picture is a sign that being at the birth made a big impact on her, and she has been thinking about Grace, and feeling sad on your behalf. It doesn't sound as though she handled it very tactfully though! perhaps in her own misguided way she's trying to show she cares. 

Although I have never been in your shoes I can imagine the 'territorial' feelings over Grace's picture. Its not irrational at all, you want to protect her, and protect her memory. 

It is not 'only' a picture, its a picture of the precious daughter lost to you, and the closest thing you have to keeping her near you, and remembering what she looked like.

I hope I'm not being presumptuous and putting words in your mouth, but I can only imagine what it feels like for you, and am sending you hugs.

Grace is such a beautiful name.

xx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dearest Bernie, 

One month's very strong feeling can, one month, three months or six months later, feel a lot different. Like E, I cannot imagine how you feel, but all strong feelings alter over time - mine have about my miscarriages - and by this I don't mean lessen, but they do alter. Maybe you could simply let her know that when you're able to show her, you will. We're put under an incredible amount of implied, quiet but very real and tortuous pressure to 'hurry up and be alright' about the loss of children in these early stages, like they weren't real people so it can't be as bad as losing someone who got to express themselves for a while on this planet. Frankly, this is TOSH, and so I would encourge you to let your grief play itself out in the way that it must. Perhaps your sister unwittingly touched on a pool of grief that you've not come accross before, and that is why it has caught you off guard. Trying to stem it's tide, in myself at least, only seems to make it worse.... But then I can only speak for me. 

Don't judge yourself to harshly is all I really want to say....

Lots of love, 

MM xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Bernie

Don't feel bad about doing what you did, if there is one thing about grief I have learned its that its something that is personal to all of us, and we all deal with it in our own ways... perhaps it would be worth saying to your sister that when you are ready to let her see Graces' picture that you do not feel you are in a place to be able to do this at this moment in time... perhaps your sister has her own griefs about what has happened to you as well as she was there with you, however you certainly don't need to take onboard her grief too - maybe your reaction was in some way protecting yourself?

Grief often makes us have a knee-jerk reaction to things, don't be too hard on yourself for acting the way you did or feeling the way you are feeling - it is part of that huge healing process. You'll never get over losing Grace but one day I hope you will learn to live with it in your own way, in your own time, however long that takes... so devastating for you honey though, and I'm so very sorry that you have ever had to go through such heartbreak  

Sending you my love and a big huge squeeze
Emcee xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you for your support ladies. been thinking about it - and wondering if my reaction is to do with this photo being all I have of my daughter. It's like I don't want to share her - because I don't have many things to share. I don't want to dilute the memory. Also I remember in the early days that I showed the picture to a visiting midwife (not the bereavement midwife) and she said 'Oh you can see a bulge at the back of her head'. I was mortified!!! How dare she. I don't know why I showed it to her - I was so deep in grief I didn't know what I was doing most of the time - and I remember blathering on about it to a few people and later wished I hadn't. 
So like you say maybe I'm protecting myself and keeping a little bit of Grace just for me.
Bernie xx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dearest Bernie, 

I'm pleased that at least our responses have perhaps been of help. I think you're spot on when you say the photo is precious because it is all you have of her - I have a little bag with pregnancy tests, cards etc relating to the two children I miscarried in the last 12 months, and now I think of it, I would be pretty unwilling to show it to almost anyone except hubby....

Yet another story of a medical professional making a complete fool of themselves... Unfortunately, we collect such stories on this thread! I'm sorry you had to tolerate this moment on top of your grief. 

Hoping you're doing OK and are at some point able to explain all this to your sister, 

Love, 


MM xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Bernie,

Sorry I am a little late to reply, but I wanted to say how much I feel for you and to endorse what the others have said about dealing with this in your own way in your own time. Just remember, "rationality" has nothing to do with this, you do not have to share your photo of Grace with anyone untill and unless you feel you want to. You are entitled to decide what is private to you and DH. We all have private things, precious memories, love letters, momentos, dreams. Grace's photo is all of these beautiful things to you. She is your own angel.

I guess if your sister was supportive at the time, she could be supportive again. Meanwhile, I expect she is feeling at least foolish at trying to force you to share something that you are not ready to share. When the time feels right maybe you can explain to her as you have explained so well here how you feel. Maybe a letter is easier than trying to have a conversation? But don't feel pressurised to explain either. Maybe your sister can work it out for herself?

Lots of love,

Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Jq - you are right! She is my own angel - that's why I chose the name! (Also I stole it from someone on another chatboard.... )
Bernie x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

I guessed it! Love Jq xxx


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