# When does it get easier??



## Goldielocks80 (Feb 26, 2013)

Hello Ladies,

I haven't really been in FF much since our first cycle failed in December 2013. I must admit I took it pretty hard and it's taken a long time to get back to feeling normal. We were going to cycle last year but I think the stress got in the way and the fact that we now have to self fund the cycles has been an issue.

We have decided to move to a different clinic- I feel less naive about things like success rates and services (probably as we're paying now!!) and we have our initial consultation in a months time. I'm hoping we can cycle in April all being well.

The reason for my post is that I'm struggling with multiple announcements, scan pictures and births which I feel like I'm surrounded by at the moment. As you all know you do get used to it, we've been TTC for over 4 yrs now and most of my friends are on baby number 2. Please don't get me wrong I am happy for them-truly, but each time it feel a little bit harder. Will I ever get to be someone's mummy?? The toughest one was my younger sister (7yrs younger) who came to me in Sept to say her and hubby were starting to try for a baby....well the announcement came in November- she's pregnant. Again, I'm over the moon for them and I will help and support her as much as I can. Maybe it's because this one is a bit closer to
Home that I'm finding it harder. Selfishly I wanted to be the one to give my parents grandparents first, and the irrational side of me feels like I deserve this as I've waited so long. I just want it to be us! 

I sound like an awful person don't i?   
I just wonder how you all cope with this? I'm struggling this time and I feel the need for some self preservation  

Thanks for reading this- sometimes it just helps to write it down doesn't it!

Lots of love

Goldie xxxxx


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

This could be me - no answers, but a question I'm asking (& almost posted at 4.45am). I'm 39, 40 in March and lots of my friends are currently without family, and then when they do fall pregnant telling me they know what it's like as they'd 'thought' they 'might' have to turn to IVF... Yep, almost identical experiences! Yesterday's announcement included a minor complaint that it was a bit inconvenient to have fallen pregnant so quickly & easily given the house renovations...

I've not seen this particular girl since April when she wed, she lives in St Albans & I'm in York, so not having to see her through this time is perfectly possible. I also acknowledge though that I'm not a great person & don't like how I react to these announcement. I'd love a means of handling it better!!

I replied to her message: Firstly congratulations. It must have come as a relief to have fallen so quickly & (somewhat) reassuring to be so many weeks in.
I've been half expecting the news, so not a total surprise.
That said, yes, thank you for acknowledging, that this is very difficult news for me to hear as it forces me to think about a subject which is, after 2+ years under a consultant, 3 courses of IVF, £20,000, 10 embryos & 2 unsuccessful pregnancies, very painful. Of all the uncertainties my future might have held, I had no reason to doubt that I'd ever have a family - through whatever means, with or without a partner. 'Whatever means' may now have been exhausted, given the toll on my physical and mental health!
You will have lots of people around you, family & friends, who I'm sure, will be eager to know how you're getting on. I'm sorry, & do hope you can understand, but I can't be one of them at this time. I'll be OK when it's here (I'm assuming it's not a they?!), but for self preservation I just can't be around the pregnancy. That's not to say I don't wish you well, nor that I don't want you to stay in touch, but a simple 'everything is fine' rather than details please!
I very much appreciate that I'm likely to be on the receiving end of such news from others again over the next few years, & hope that managing it becomes a little easier. I feel bad enough about our infertility & take no pleasure in beating myself up further, about my inability to just be pleased for others without thinking about myself & my own journey to be a mum. 
I feel just awful that I go to pieces around pregnancy news, it takes away from someone else's happiness at what should be a really exciting time, and that's something that I'm acutely aware of and not very proud of.
In my defence, I recognise that I am dealing with my own grief, for the baby I should have had last June, the pregnancy I should be 7 months into & the uncertainty that lies ahead - and approaching 40 really isn't helping (if anyone dares to send a card with the number on, then it'll go straight in the bin!!)! 

I can't really think of anything further to say, other than to reiterate that I do wish you well & give you my apologies that I can't be a better friend at this time. 

Back to me. I could send this message because I don't see her (& given relations over the last 2-3 years, wouldn't be put out if she's relegated to a Christmas card friend...). I know you can't do that around family, but you can always ask for sensitivity?

I'll be looking at this page later for details on when I can pencil into my diary as the day I can expect things to get easier!!


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## Goldielocks80 (Feb 26, 2013)

Well Helend75- reading your post was like
Someone had read out what's been in my heart and mind for the last few years at least. It must have been very hard to write that message but at least you have been completely honest and upfront- much better ham just withdrawing with no explanation.

My sister unfortunately made her announcement worse as she called me in a very odd mood and I instantly new something was different. She then became completely hysterical and cried for the next 30mins as she was so distressed by the thought if telling me...I had to guess in the end as she was in such a state!! Was hit great and my husband was very angry that she had acted his way, which made me feel worse as she was obviously very stressed about telling me! Great- that's makes me feel better!!

All I can say is I do know how you feel and self preservation is truly so important isn't it. I'll be checking in later- hoping that there are some words of wisdom for us both!

Take care xxxx


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## Gabrysia (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm afraid words of wisdom won't be coming from me I'm replaying to your message because the way I feel these days is so much similar to yours. If I know that someone felt "easily" can't stand to be around her/baby (ie my both sisters in law) if I know it took a while I'm much better with it. How horrible is that! When my sister in law announced their pregnancy while we were  having family meal in restaurant I did run to ladies so no one could see my crying. I found it difficult to open and explain why I'm avoiding certain situations cos I don't want others to pity me and anyway get so emotional can't really put it in right words. Anyway who ales will understand then other woman who deals with similar issues? I don't think its possible. 
I know that this "will get easier" when I fell pregnant and feel secure in my pregnancy, not earlier. 
Really sorry for gloomy respond. Not good today I'm afraid. 
Wish you both


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi goldie, and others.

I think its always hard when people tell you their baby news but I think you are right it stings a little more when it is family. My sister  told me my 16 year old niece was pregnant ( she's due next week) and although it was a massive shock to the whole family it was like a sledge hammer. I fell to pieces and bless my sister got herself in a state trying to tell me.

Then 3 days after my embryo transfer my cousin confirmed her 2nd pregnancy, 6 days later I got my BFN and again I took this very hard. I have avoided her tbh. She doesn't know about our ivf so I have to paint on the all is fine face, which at the moment I cannot do so it's try to avoid for as long as possible.

It's so hard and I do often feel like I am an awful person for thinking some of things I think sometimes for example...why her she smokes and drinks etc etc but we are only human and have up and down emotions going through this journey.

Hope you feel a little better soon and at least we can all vent on here with people in similar situations to us. We arnt alone and we all mostly feel the exact same feelings xxx


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## natalina1988 (Mar 1, 2014)

Hi everyone, 


I feel same as all of you ladies and it's nice to hear from ladies who feel the same way.
I had my first Ivf cycle in October 13 but saldly BFN .
I have found it extremely hard to be around family and friends who are pregnant or have children, I feel like a horrible monster at times and feel like infertility is consuming my life to the point that I feel an emotional wreck.
When I found out my first IVf was a BFN, I felt very emotional and the news that my cousin was pregnant a few days after my BFN was a blow, my grandmother had told me just after I told her that my IVf cycle had a failed about my cousin and I felt that there was no consideration for my feelings. I even tried to discus my feelings with my mother who said " we just don't know what to say around you" that hurt a lot and feel that even family don't understand.
My own Sister even said to me ' I don't know why your so upset!!"" You have not lost anything"" This was a few days after finding out about my first failed attempt at IVF and my emotions were all over the place. I hung up the phone and haven't really 
spoke to her properly since!! It's easy for people to say "hang in there"  ""it will happen"" but they don't understand what's it like to not be able to be around children or pregnant women, because of the pain you feel at the thought of never being a parent yourself and holding a baby in your arms that's yours. 

I have decided not to discuss my feelings with my family as they don't really understand and I don't think they ever will.
For me it's nice to hear other ladies stories and understand the feelings that we are going through.

Good luck to everyone. Xxx


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi natalina1988, 

Your story is quite similar to mine. My mam doesn't even ask anymore so I don't tell.  I said to my DH this next cycle I just want us knowing about it. That way if it fails I won't have to do the whole brave face whilst telling everyone!  That way i will save them saying something stupid and unhelpful! Nobody in my family have struggled to get pregnant apart from me so nobody at all understands the heartache. 

Your sister was abit cruel with that comment as I seen my beautiful hatching embryo on the day of transfer and although in no way did I let myself think of it as a baby when it failed I was still devastated as it was my chance to have a baby and I did feel as though I has lost that chance.

Wishing you all the luck for the future xxx


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## honkiepink (Apr 7, 2014)

Hello everyone. 
Everyone is saying the same things that I feel.it's so good to hear people are being affected by the same things.I am starting to feel like a bitter person which is not like me at all.I am always bubbly,smiling and laughing but now I just want to lock myself in my house and speak to noone!  
I hate peoples insensitivity. I know they don't understand and never will but come on your not stupid.
It hurts so much when people don't want to tell you their news but to be fair I don't want to hear it and I don't really care! I'd rather not know! 
My friend is on her 2nd she's 29 weeks.she was saying she cried when she found out as she doesn't know how she will cope with a toddler and a baby?! Is she actually telling me this??!! My other friend is 15 weeks with her third.my best friend had her little one in November, when I ring her and he starts to cry I have to end the call as it's just to much for me. I have tried talking to friends and family but they don't understand and just treat me differently or just don't ask me how I'm doing.if someone asks you if your ok the first thing you think about is your journey and you think are you asking about that or do you just want yo know generally?  I hate that look that people give you like they feel sorry for you! I came off ******** as it was just to much seeing peopled announcements or pictures of their children. 
I hate attending our nieces birthday parties as everyone brings their children and me and the hubs just stand there like idiots.I always make excuses to leave early which is a shame as I love my nieces but I just can't handle it.
I wish I had never told anyone about our journey that way noone would know.I got my BFN less than two weeks ago and I'm back to work on Monday and everyone knows and I'm going to have to tell them it didn't work.I'm looking for another job as I need a fresh start and want people in my life that don't know about my journey so I can start a clean slate.we have our house on the market so we can move away from here and closer to our jobs so hopefully can meet some new people.
I am afraid I also don't know how to cope with hearing the p word.I just avoid people like the plague. I go to counselling once a month (free with the clinic) and I just rant at her for an hour.I tell her everything. All the negativity comes out and I leave feeling much more positive (until someone shares their news or moans about their kids or tells me something else I don't want to hear lol) 
I'm not sure if it helps anyone but I found your stories great as you have made me feel normal.thank you ladies 💜 Xxx


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi honkiepink, 

You pretty much summed every feeling and thought process there. You are certainly not alone. I have only told my very close family however I didn't set the ground rules before we started which I regret as my DH wasn't bothered about telling whoever that we had been trying for years and that we were having investgations then we were having ivf. I carnt stand going to anything where his friends ( and their wags) will be with their stories about how they'd struggled then they'd relaxed and bang fell pregnant. I avoid it where ever possible but I am gutted I didn't say to DH keep it to very close family at the start as once it's out there its too late so I can imagine if your work etc knows it must be frustrating for you.
When I had my BFN I was obviously devastated but I just thought I am going to have to let everyone know now and I found that really hard xxx


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## traya (Jan 21, 2013)

Poor ladies,
We will get there.
Next time I cycle I won't even be telling my family, well just my dad. He's the only one that doesn't say unhelpful things. At work only going to tell my boss, because I have to.
People just don't understand. 
Had a work colleague crying at work this week. She was so upset that she is having another boy, she wanted a girl (has 2 boys). The whole pregnancy was a mistake with someone she had been with for a about a month.
Had to watch people fussing over her and wiping her tears.
They all know how my last cycle went, but still forgot I was there etc.
Went home and told OH every time I get AF or cycle fails am going to cry loads and loads at work to see what attention I get. (not that I have cried about it at work).
btw, all I got was "have you thought about adoption"


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi traya, 

I am not telling anybody about my next cycle either. Unfortunately I will have to let slip to my mam and sis at the end of march as we are going on a girly weekend including an overnight stay and needless to say I will not be drinkin. That will ring alarm bells as when we get together we tend to have a tipple (a gallon actually  ) I was thinking maybe saying I am "detoxing" ready for next cycle......telling a little fib  . Not sure how to play it yet.

My cousin was gutted cos she found out she was having a boy for baby number 2 I felt like screaming for gods sake I would chop my limbs off for a girl or boy or bloody hermaphrodite!!! I wouldn't care less. They don't realise how lucky they have it!

Good luck for your next cycle xxx


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## honkiepink (Apr 7, 2014)

Ames - the detox thing is a fab idea! I am a lover of red wine so when I'm not drinking everyone knows something is going on. I stopped drinking in October and noone knows iv been having red wine since bfn! And I'm not going to tell.I'm not telling anyone they don't deserve to know tbh.
Traya - that's awful and so inconsiderate!  These stupid people I swear! I don't think anyone has a clue until you go through it.I'm still new to the whole thing.I'm still dealing with the fact iv got no tubes let alone that iv just failed an ivf cycle!  The whole situation is so bloody hard. I swear I turn on the radio or the TV and within the first 5 words I hear the p word.then I'm like you've got to be joking! There's just no getting away from it!!!!! 
Rant over lol x


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

My first cycle was Oct so I turned the stoptober for smoking into stoptober for alcohol instead. So when I was out and they asked why I wasn't drinking I said it's stoptober I don't smoke therefore I have stopped drinking instead! It seemed to work a treat lol.  Another I have tried is saying my DH has bet me I carnt not drink for a month so I am proving him wrong   I am such a fibber lol.

Do you think we notice the whole pregnancies,  babies on TV radii and everyday life because of our situation or just because it's happening more and more often. It seems to be all over constantly xxx


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## honkiepink (Apr 7, 2014)

I think it may be because I can't stand the word that I hear it all the time or notice things more due to the situation, either way I don't Want to be reminded lol.
Stopober is pure intelligence lol,love it! 
I'm on the red,just got back from college finished all the chapters now it's just practice ready for the exam on the 9th Xxx


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## traya (Jan 21, 2013)

. I live away from my family. So it's easy to get away with it. Ty ladies, am not crazy after all


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## Goldielocks80 (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi Ladies,

I've only just checked back on here!! It's so comforting to know that there are ladies out there who know exactly how I feel. Since my last post a work colleague is pregnant (against all odds), my best friend is pregnant with no.3 and my sister is now 24weeks pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am delighted for each and every one of them and truly wish them a happy, healthy pregnancy- but I fee utterly surrounded and it hurts.....a lot! 

I'm gearing up for our 2nd cycle at the end of April at a new clinic, which has helped give me a new perspective and more confidence. We're self funding now and are going to try an endo scratch which I have on 14th April and also using embryo glue too. Desperately hope that this is our time. Hope you're all keeping well.

Take care and      To you all xxxx


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