# Help, I'm scared



## Rainbow pot of gold (Jul 7, 2009)

Hi, so sorry for the long me post but I am just so upset and need to vent my feelings in a place where people might understand.

Background – I was engaged to my partner, together nearly four years and he has three children from a previous relationship. We decided to have a Vasectomy Reversal (which he dragged his heels over, he didn’t want to get into debt for it, but his car purchased on finance was snug on the drive!) which didn’t work. We were told we had a limited chance of conception naturally due to low count, antibodies, motility etc. At that point I thought we were both devastated, but clearly he wasn’t as it took months of arguing and a short separation before he agreed to any next steps which were IVF. We had our first cycle in November last year which didn’t work and we only ended up with one Grade 3 embryo to put back in. Throughout the first cycle I just felt he wasn’t there for me, he wouldn’t read anything to do with IVF so he would know what to expect, he told me going on the forums was unhealthy, but then had a glazed look across his face when I tried to talk to him about my fears, not to mention he didn’t understand because he couldn’t be bothered to find out what was involved in the process. I was angry with him at that point as it just felt like as the woman your whole life stops and revolves around IVF, giving up caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes not to mention every twinge, hot flush, sleepless night while they just carry on as normal! We have now reached the same place. I have given up all the bad things and am trying to be healthy across the board. I stopped smoking just before stimms (I know it should have been sooner but I didn’t have the willpower to do it) and he point blank refuses to do it. In fact he point blank refuses to do anything that may help our chances naturally, he won’t stop smoking, he won’t take vitamins (or maybe he would but can’t be bothered to see which ones may help), he won’t give up caffeine, alcohol or even wear loose boxers, in short he won’t do anything to help our cause and improve his sperm count! He did have the cheek to tell me that he was annoyed that I hadn’t given up smoking earlier!! To make matters worse he constantly makes comments to me/other people how inconvenient the IVF is and what an ‘onslaught’ it is yet we carry on as normal as possible and last time we were at two wedding where he was drinking all day and the other in the evening I didn’t say a word, in fact he wanted me to keep his cigarettes in my handbag as well as his bottle of Jack Daniels and thrust the glass under my nose and asked me to smell it because it was so lovely!! Because he is so resentful of having to undergo this in the first place I feel under so much pressure that if the second cycle didn’t work he would drag his heels or pull the plug on our relationship before we get to a third anyway. I don’t have the time to waste and I want a baby so much it hurts.

I think what also makes me so mad but more resolute to do this is that his daughter had a baby girl she didn’t want and gave her up for adoption. His ex-wife wasn’t able to secure custody (I told him right at the beginning that we should have gone for her but he didn’t listen) so she will now go to strangers. Basically the process has dragged on and the little girl is over a year old and still in foster care as they are having difficulty placing her. My ex asked Social Services again (far too late) if we could have her. He told me to think about it and if I could do it. I asked him what would happen about the IVF and he said he honestly didn’t know and if this cycle didn’t work there would be no guarantees we could afford another cycle so we may never have our own baby. Even with that in mind I told him that we needed to go for it and try to get custody of the little girl (it turned out that Social Services considered it and said it was too late and we should have asked in the beginning, so he lost his granddaughter because he didn’t listen to me back then when I said we should go for her!!). What annoys me so much is that I would have sacrificed having my own baby so he would be happy, so he could live the rest of his life knowing where his granddaughter was (with us) and be happy. He won’t give up smoking, he won’t support me through the IVF? I just feel such a mug!  


Now – I am really scared, sad and my mind is all muddled up. I am halfway through treatment (I am currently stimming) and my partner and I have decided to go our separate ways, from my perspective I am sad that I won’t be a family but feel that as I was always in this on my own anyway it won’t make too much difference. After all my child deserves a dad, but not one who is resentful of how it disturbs his life!! I feel that my ex is probably relieved now he won’t disturb the life he had envisaged he would have with his other kids grown up and that maybe he just didn’t want a child. He would often tell me that I ‘needed’ a child and that he didn’t.

I need some info on next steps. How do they match you with donor sperm and do you think the clinic will want to cancel the cycle (I am egg sharing)? I really want to proceed with this and have a child, and I know I can be a fantastic mum. To be honest I am not too choosy in terms of donor characteristics. 
Also, as my ex-partner had previous sperm retrieval at the time of a Vasectomy Reversal, do you think my fertilisation results will be better with donor sperm than they were with his sperm on the 1st cycle?

Any advice greatly appreciated
x


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Rainbow - so sorry to read what a horrible time you have been having  .  Is your relationship definitely over hun?  Deciding to try to conceive with a donor is a huge decision and really  not one to make midway through a treatment cycle when you are dealing with a relationship breakdown.  

As you say your mind is all muddled up, I really think you need to speak to your clinic and maybe delay your cycle until things are clearer.  Do they have a counsellor you could talk to?  Maybe you could also put a post on the relationships thread, there are many others there who have had similar experiences and could give you some good advice.

Some1

xx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Sending you a   for a very difficult and horrible time.

I do hope you get some resolution and are able to move forward. Maybe now isn't the time to continue but, if not, you will be able to try again on your own if thats what you choose to do  

Good Luck

LL xxx


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Hi, Im also sending you lots of   and this is for your ex  

You are still young and hopefully you will achieve the baby you so want.  Many of us on here are living proof that it can and does happen with or without a man in your life.

Relationships are hard at the best of times, but feeling that you are not being supported when going through something as shattering as IVF must be very difficult to deal with.  At least when we embark on the journey alone we go into it knowing that we are our own support and we don't have that 2nd person to deal with.

My son doesnt have a Daddy because there was no-one out there that I had met whom was special enough, however, now i have all of the time in the world to find him an extra special one, just for him.

Take care xx


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

aah. I guess I am not really sure what to say...so I would only be able to offer


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## going it alone (Feb 11, 2006)

As Some1 said, maybe discussing things with a counsellor at teh clinic would be a great first step. You are going through so much at the mo that a chat would def help a lot of things. 

One thing for you to consider and discuss with your clinic in the future - is IVF to best route? Were they doing IVF/ICSI because of poor quality swimmers? I realise that you have PCOS but could they try DIUI instead, espec at your age? It is not as successful but is cheaper and less hormonal!

Love Sam x


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## cocochanel1 (Oct 15, 2009)

Poor you   . Sam makes a really good point - doing IUI if you can would be a much cheaper and less invasive way forward. If IVF was because of your ex's sperm quality (and given you are egg sharing it sounds like that may be the case?) then IUI at 29 must be something to consider?

Having a child with a man who doesn't want one will likely end in tears anyway so although it doesn't feel like it at the moment you may be better off out of that relationship!

We can all help answer any questions you have. 

Coco xxx


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