# Lots of stupid questions



## PinkPeacock (Nov 9, 2006)

Hi,


I think I'm about to put the saying "there's no stupid question apart from an unasked question" to the test. We are just at the start of  our new journey using donor eggs and I'm having much more trouble than I thought I would getting my head round it. I thought I was there but it turns out it's easier to think about when it is the option in reserve after using your one and only frostie, than when it is now your only option. Please can I ask some really silly questions without judgement. I don't want to offend anyone but I need some help with how to think these things through. 


First,y, I am worried about what everyone else seems worried about...will it feel like my baby? Will I always have it on my mind that it's not? My gran, mum and me all look like carbon copies of each other, and I hear "I bet you're Linda's daughter" more often than I'd like when I meet friends or colleagues of my mums,will I always be reminded that my child isn't genetically mine? I worry I'm going to get PN depression and won't bond with my baby and this will just make it worse. 


I'm very booky and nerdy. I like reading and crochet and making things. I avoid any sport and don't even watch it. I'm not remotely cool and never have been. I fantasise about all the arts and crafts I'll do with my kid, and the books we will read, and the plays well see and museums we will visit. What if my kid doesn't like those things? What if they're a cool kid who hates reading and loves sports? I'll have nothing in common with them. I know that she wouldn't necessarily be a nerd like me even with my genetics but with donor eggs I'm worried I'll question everything that's different and blame it on the genes. 


We are got to use IVI in Alicante and I don't really understand why they have so many eggs  Why do the women donate? They aren't women having treatment themselves and the mean age is 24 so why do they do it? Are they paid? Is it exploitative?


As we are going to Spain there's anominity for the donor so we are making a huge decision for our child. I came across Tangled Web UK and there are some very bitter adults conceived through donor eggs and the main issue seems to be anominity. We will have to live with these decisions so they have to be right. We plan to tell the child from a young age which seems not to have happened with the people on Tangled Web but what if my kid hates me, or feels I'm not their real mum?  How are we meant to predict how our child will feel?


Finally, Im worried that if anything goes wrong I'll immediately think of donor egg. So if they get a serious illness, like diabetes, or epilepsy or even something like endometriosis, Will I always be wondering if we hadn't used donor eggs they wouldn't have. My worst nightmare is I'll have a daughter with Endo so I'm quite relieved that our clinic (ivi Alicante) won't use donors with it but I can imagine anything bad from temper tantrums to bad skin to appendicitis will all make me wonder if we've done the right thing. 


Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading. 
Xxx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

pinkcarys said:


> I'm very booky and nerdy. I like reading and crochet and making things. I avoid any sport and don't even watch it. I'm not remotely cool and never have been. I fantasise about all the arts and crafts I'll do with my kid, and the books we will read, and the plays well see and museums we will visit. What if my kid doesn't like those things? What if they're a cool kid who hates reading and loves sports? I'll have nothing in common with them. I know that she wouldn't necessarily be a nerd like me even with my genetics but with donor eggs I'm worried I'll question everything that's different and blame it on the genes.


I get where you're coming from with this. These kinds of thoughts (not so much the arts and crafts, but very much the books and museums, and introversion/introspection generally) were very much on my mind when donor eggs were first mentioned to me (which was on my first OE IVF cycle). That and the fact that neither my parents nor my husband's parents have a single biological grandchild (and my husband's only sibling will definitely never have children). I'm sure I could and would love a child who came from a donor egg, but I would still always secretly mourn the loss of having a child who shares my genes. I don't care at all whether my child looks like me, but the psychological traits and aptitudes (which seem strongly genetic in my family) do matter to me.

I don't have any good answers for you, but I just wanted to say that I do understand and don't judge you for it. At all.

Would it be rude of me to ask why you feel that now is the time to move on to donor eggs, given that you are only 31? Don't answer if it's an uncomfortable question. xx


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## PinkPeacock (Nov 9, 2006)

Thanks Crazy Horse. If we were adopting I think it would be easier as it is more clear cut that the baby is neither of ours genetically, whereas this is that strange i between zone where it will be our child from the get go but not mine genetically. IM absolutely not against DE in any way, but I'm one of these people who has to analyse everything to the nth degree. Always have been. Just had a discussion with hubby who has basically said "that's all out of our control and we just have to be grateful that we have this opportunity". I totally agree but it doesn't stop me analysing ;-)


We really are at the end of the journey with my own eggs so adoption or donor is the only way to go. I had/have stage 4 endometriosis which has caused scaring around my ovaries so that they are totally encased. I also had loads of cysts, the largest the size of a grapefruit so my ovaries have been operated on lots of times. All this means that despite maximum stimming I just don't make eggs. Last time I only made three and they were all poor quality. I've had six embis put back and nothing more than a chemical oregnancy so the clinic don't hold much hope for my own eggs. Add to that the scarring and I'd need a general aneasthetic to get to my ovaries for egg collection. It would be a lot of pain and money to get to one or two poor quality eggs. It's a numbers game I guess better eggs, more of them and less invasive on my body


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Oh, your poor ovaries!   Gosh, I'm wincing just thinking about what you must have gone through with OE IVF.  Your reasoning makes perfect sense. 

I'm sorry this is proving a difficult bridge to cross now that it's a reality. Hopefully one of the many lovely ladies on here who are besotted with their DE children will come along soon and set your mind more at ease. I can't give you any advice from personal experience, but I have seen a lot of ladies say that they had many worries about connecting with their DE babies, which melted away once they actually became mothers. It seems like it may be easier when you have a real baby in front of you who is their own unique little person, rather than trying to come to terms with what you imagine they might be like...?

One of the nice things with DE is that it takes away a lot of the time pressure, so at least you can take your time to come to terms! I hope you find yourself feeling more settled about your situation soon.


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,

I have 4 year old twins and am expecting another from a different egg donor. I'll do what I can to answer your questions.

1 yes, I still feel sad when I see mums with mini mes that I will never see my eyes, or my grandma's nose in my kids. But that is seperate from the love I feel for my children. I was given a few cells but they are my kids. They developed listening to my gurgly tummy, and my heartbeat. They were fed on what I eat, and I bf them. They grew with my bĺood and my chi. They are my children, and I love them for the people they are. I would not swap them for any mythical oe child.
and the fact they are de means hopefully my dd won't have to suffer endo the way I have. So a plus there  

2 re the bookishness etc remember both that 50% of the dna is from dh. And that your environment plays a great roll. Also just because you have an oe child in no way guarantees similarities in interests etc.

3 re the anonymous donation your donor will get paid usually 1000 to 1500e . Not a lot for what they have to go through. In the uk it is 750. Think of it as the cup of tea and biscuit after giving blood. Not enough money that anyone is going to do it just for the money.
re the exploitation side of things you have to trust your clinic. If you don't trust them look elsewhere

4 re the childs reaction most folk on line etc will be sperm not egg donatiin as not really v many adults from ed as was rare until late 90s. In most cases it is the secret that causes the problems rather than the donation as such.
I think so long as you are happy with your choice, and present it in an open and positive way to your family, friends, and children there are unlikely to be problems you can't sort through.

5 I think every parent has moments where tney worry about will they be a good parent, what if their child hates them etc. No mater conception this is normal. And kids are hard work. 

It may be worth seeing a councillor,  or looking at some of the information from the donor conception network.

noone picks deas their choice of how to create a family. However, I am a firm believer in you get the child/ren you are meant to get. It's just the universe/god/ whatever you wish to call it has decided you need another lady in your story.

have a trail on old topics too. You will see you are not alone in your concerns.

hope that helps, and good luck

X x


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## PinkPeacock (Nov 9, 2006)

Crazy horse - thanks so much. Stimming was a bit of a nightmare last time as I made 14 follies. I was pretty much sofa ridden and having to take lots of pks to get through it and I only had three eggs. Felt like my body was being purposly obtuse!   Thanks for caring. It helps. I think even posts this has been a help as these thoughts have been whizzing around for about six weeks and I am starting to process them. I know I'll get there but I have to take my time. 


Mierran - thank you for your reply and thinking about each of my questions. It really helps just to "hear" someone say it directly to me. Huge congratulations on your twins and your one on the way   I love what you said about loving them for the people they are.  Thank you xxx


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## theodora (Dec 14, 2010)

Hi. I don't know why, but I never had these questions. I know so many people with "own" children who are not at all like them (personality/interests) that it is a crap shoot already. Also in re looks, pretty much everyone I know who has done donor eggs has ended up with babies that look just like them -- don't know how the clinics do it but they do a good job! 

We did double donor due to sperm issues & I have immune problems so gave up on OE just to go faster. Our boy who is now 7.5 months has "my" ears & feet I'd swear! We actually asked for goodlooking smart donors, rather than necessarily people who looked like us. I can't wait to see how this boy turns out, so far he is gorgeous & funny & sociable & smart, all we could have hoped for. And I take comfort in the idea that altho he may have other dread diseases some day, he won't inherit certain ones that do run in our families.

It's an interesting point you said about adoption. We also were going for adoption, but this ended up being faster. As far as I am concerned, we have adopted an embryo. We'll never know much about the birth parents, but we will always be thankful. Because I carried our boy inside me, tons of things abotu him changed based upon my body, & there was never a question during pregnancy or after birth, he is OUR child.

All your questions are totally normal & good to think about. Hope you get it all worked out!


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## PinkPeacock (Nov 9, 2006)

Thanks Theodora. If you asked me all the way up until our frostie gave us a bfn I'd have said I didn't have these questions. It's only when DE became the only option instead of the iaurance option that I suddenly got a bit queasy and weak at the knees over it. I feel really stupid for having these thoughts as I never thought I would. I'm a very determined, do what has to be done, kind of person. Huge congratulations n your little one. Xxx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

- the move to DE isn't easy I know

I agree with pretty much everything mierran has said already  

slightly different for me as I'm single, but I did share many of your concerns - my sister's kids look a lot like me/my sister and sometimes I do feel sad that my boys don't look like me/their cousins - that said, people frequently comment on how alike the cousins all are - people see what they want to see  

And in a funny way I've found the lack of genetic connection quite liberating. I have no expectations of my boys and what they should be like - they are simply themselves and I could not love them more  

one thing I would say is that if you are not 100% sure about anon donors, maybe look at UK clinics and agencies - there are far more options now that you might think  - and prices here are not that much more expensive than Spain
I went abroad and I do worry whether the boys will in the future have some anger at that decision (because they will not be able to trace/contact their donors) - I am telling them their story as they grow and it is what it is, but I just mention it in case you think you don't have options to have ID release donors...

wishing you the very best of luck whatever you decide, 
Suitcase
x


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## Tick (May 2, 2011)

Hi, 
I understand all your questions, but the one which struck a chord was the one about the bookishness.  I am the same - read all the time, always have a book on the go whilst having a DH who could go Jan to Dec without picking up a book.  I too was really worried about this, as it is so important to me. 

I hope this anecdote helps - I think it confirms that a lot of it is from the surroundings.  My DE son, aged nearly 3, when asked what he wanted for Christmas asked for "books".  I was so happy.  And he got lots of books  .

Tick


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## Surfer1 (May 1, 2007)

We have a 10 year old son through donor conception. Here is my take on it:

1. Once in a blue moon I remember he is donor conceived or he might mention it to s friend. I then look at friend's kids and see sometimes how similar or different to their parents they are and to their siblings, and not worry about it. He is ours - bad puns from my husband and making up stories with me  )

2. 
Like a non donor conceived child there isn't a guarantee they will follow all you like. On the other hand, they are stuck with you and what you like doing and take them to do will rub off on them. They will also be interested in things you aren't (in my case Minecraft at first), so you may actually try it yourself or let them do it themselves.
3.
I don't know. I would suggest going to the Donor Conception (DC) Network meeting. You will meet others in a similar situation and can chat about it.4. Not heard of tangled web - I would strongly suggest DC Network 
We adapted a book - see the example of the original http://www.dcnetwork.org/library/our-story-children-conceived-through-egg-donation-heterosexual-couple-families
We stuck in photos of our faces over the drawings to make it more us and also make it more fun. We showed it to close friends and family and read it with him since he was born. He has known all his life. 
At the time of the donation, my husband hassled the HFEA and the clinic for any information. We were very luck and the donater had written a few words about themselves. Not much but when he is older and wants more, we can give it to him. He is also registered on the network so later in life he can try and find donor "siblings" if he wanted. 
Spain is much more difficult I believe, but that is the way it is.
We say in his book a nice person donated their genes so we could have a baby and we are proud to be your parents or something. I expect as a teenager he may go through your not my parent or something, but it seems like teenagers will try and pick on something at some time. We go every year or other year to the DC network annual meeting. Now he is over 8 he goes to the drama workshop for 8-12 yr olds, where they chat to other children and can discuss any thoughts or ideas they may have in a supported environment. We listen to the speakers and go to small group discussion to keep ourselves up to date.

5.We are in the same boat in a way to adopters re history - we don't know for sure. On the other hand even with non donor children, you can't be 100% sure either, so not worry about it.

When our boy was born, it was tiring,emotional hard work - like most other people! He is our son irrespective of the route  )

Best wishes,
x

/links


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## tillyturner (Nov 10, 2014)

Hi

i just wanted to say surfer1 A BIG THANKYOU 

You reply made me cry and answered so many of the thoughts I have about the future - I am going for ED cycle in March at AVA Peter in ST Petersburg. I have chosen my donor from their database so that i could address the issues of do they look like me and not leave it to the Dr (which they are fab but in my own mind I need that control ) you also get letters from the donor, loads of info about the donor and also pictures of them, I figured this way when the questions come, as you are so right they will! I can at least give them a letter from the donor show them the picture and give them info about the donors parents, children and so on. Even though the donation is anonymous I figure this is the best I can do for my 'fingers x' future baby/child! 

Thanks again for your inspirational post!

Pinkcarys - i totally understand where you are coming from I am the queen of stupid questions and trust me yours are not stupid! wishing you the very best of luck in your future cycle FF has been a god send to me the ladies here are great and so supportive I hope that I can help too in a small way  

Hugs Tilly xx


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## mogscat (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi pinkcarys
I have just made the choice to do DE so shared lots of your concerns.
I have reassured myself by remembering that I share many mannerisms and personality traits with my stepmother, who brought me up.  In terms of personality I am more like her than my biological mother, who I spent a lot less time with as a child.  I do also have a genetic daughter who looks completely unlike me in features, colouring and height, doesn't share my interests at that age (15)and is extremely loud and sociable whereas I am extremely quiet. So I like to think the human gene pool is open to us all and the whole thing is just part of a lucky dip.  In many ways I think we free our children when we accept that they look and are like themselves, not us    
I was  really struggling with the donor anonymity of the first clinic we chose though;  in the end, we looked around a bit more and are now going to Serum because they say they try to match the donor to you including personality etc. if that's what you want.  
BTW I have a friend whose daughter was DE IVF at IVI  and I had absolutely no idea until i started going through this process and she told me!  They have just the same smile and curly hair!


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## chocolate_teapot (Sep 10, 2008)

Hi - my son IS genetically mine but he doesn't look at all like me and is completely different to me personality wise so I wouldn't honestly worry about that point at all!


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