# Now I'm 50



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi

I am new to this site. looked for somewhere to go with my feelings having watched Robert Winston's programme tonight. He had another series, 10 or 12 years ago when I was going through IVF.

I was not lucky. Tried 4 times. Got pregnant the fourth time when I was 40 but had yet another miscarriage. 7th in 10 years, the other pregnancies were all natural. We gave up then.  However after we gave up I heard about the work of Lesley Reagan and can't help feeling we would have been better off being referred to a multiple miscarriage specialist rather than an assisted conception consultant. He focused on IVF and wasn't really concerned with finding out about the recurrent miscarriages. I was too old for miscarriage treatment by the time I heard about these specialists.

Having no children obviously gets easier as time goes on, but there are still times when I am so sad, especially the anniversaries of the bithdates we were given for each baby. This year seems very hard, maybe to do with being 50 - it has been quite a difficult year for various reasons. And now all the friends who were having children when I was having unsuccessful treatment are having grandchildren. Newer friends often assume I am childless by choice having focused on career and horseriding (you have to do something else!)

My partner and I split up when I was 46. We got back together 2 years later when I was 48. Now I am 50 I feel the years are slipping by and want to share a home again but he's worried that we could get back into old bad habits of taking each other for granted and are better off living separately. If we could share again we could share the chores and bills and get rid of the 2 mortgages, maybe work part time and have a better quality of life. 

Actually my company got into trouble this year and soon after my 50th birthday I was faced with the choice of redundancy (with only 6 weeks pay as compensation) or a part time post which I took. It would be great to work just the 3 days a week I have from them but I do freelance work the rest of the time. I need the money to pay my mortgage, run the car which is essential for the job and to keep my horses. My horses are a joy, I couldn't sell them. The older one is 22 now, I've had her since she was 18 months old before I even started to try for a family. She was my stalwart companion all through the "infertility years." I love her to bits! I bred from her once we gave up on trying to have a family and the younger horse (now 6) is clearly my baby now!

My brother P got married just before my 50th this year. (He's a late starter!) He married a young woman in her early 20's he met on holiday in the Philippines. My immediate family met up out there for the wedding and my baby brother J (mid 30s) announced his wedding plans. I'm sure they will both try for a family. As P lives in Spain with his new wife now, and J lives in Australia I don't think I'll get to be a hands on auntie. My parents live in Spain too and I have no relatives left in England and so I miss family life.

Would you believe it but at the wedding in the Philippines my mum went round looking for sympathy by telling everyone that she was so sad not to be a grandmother! (There were loads of children in the bride's family and all the older women were grandmothers.) I know she has missed out too, but she still has chances through my brothers. (And she is a mum!) I felt very isolated. (My partner did not come to the wedding.) My brother P had not told his new wife about my history and brother J had not told his fiance, so people assumed I was childless through choice. The Filipinos found this hard to understand. An older woman actually told me I was selfish not to give my mum a grandchild! Somebody nicer, one of the bride's brothers with whom I was partnered for part of the ceremony, said he hoped I would soon meet somebody special of my own and start a family. (Guess I still looked young enough to him!) I'm afraid he was really taken aback when I said I had somebody special but we could not have children. I did not mean to embarrass him, but I did not know what else to say and was fed up with people's assumptions.

Aren't people's assumptions hard to deal with? A woman I met years ago through work recently turned up in my work circle again, now a mum of a 7 year old. I see her at meetings about once a month and she usually shares news of her son at some point. After the last meeting we stayed behind to talk about some work thing. She said she knows she talks about her son a lot (she does!) and that it's because he is so special as she had him late in life through GIFT. I said she was very lucky and she snapped back "Not really, we went through a hell lot and had to pay through the nose for it all!" (I guess maybe she's fed up being told she is lucky.) I said I still thought she was lucky as some of us had been through much the same, paid for it too but still had no children. Even she seemed to assume that I was childless through choice!

Anyway, why am I writing this? To get it of my chest before bed I guess. Maybe there are some people my age out there who weren't "lucky" who would like to write back?

Best of luck to all those of you going through treatment now, I think it is generally a bit more successful now. Good luck for those who go for adoption. And I wish all the best to those who need to move on.

Jq

PS I can't work out how to post in the chat room - never used one before.


----------



## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

I dont normaly post on this thread but I came across this and had to write back

 for all youve been through, to have so many misscarriges must have been devestating, you are an incredibly strong woman to have come as far as you have.
Your time in the philllipenes sounds like it was fairly stressfull too
by all accounts, And yes peoples assumptions are hard to deal with, and insensative comments from mothers does not help 

I wish there was more I could say about your relationship,
All I know is that what youve been through, sounds like its taken its toll, talking and laying your reasons for and against on the table is all I can suggest 

I am glad that youve been able to write here, 
I hope its been theraputic and helpfull,
Things have changed in the IVF world, some for the better, but not all.
It is such a shame you werent sent for reccurent m/c investigations  before the IVF's 

I hope that through friends, your horses and your partner and us here at FF you will find your not alone, and will contiune to enjoy life without children.

~Dizzi~


----------



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Huge hugs   to you JQ - what a tough and very painful life journey you have been on, your post was very moving. You will be made soooo welcome on this thread and find a truly amazing, caring and lovely group of ladies of all ages who are living with the pain of childlessness and their support is wonderful. 

Although I am younger than you I can still so understand the additional pain that can come with the advancing of years in terms of what isn't and wasn't too be, especially when the rest of the world marches on as normal and families just continue to evolve - that is so hard. I just hope that by some miracle your entering of your 50th year will suprise you, and along with the undoubted pangs and pains of the family issue, that it will also herald some unexpected and wonderful times too, whether that be with relationships, your horses or new passions and interests, you certainly deserve some happier times.

I am so pleased you have shared your story with us, and I was full of deep admiration at the way despite all your very tragic experiences with IF you talked in such a way that showed such amazing strength of character and being able to rationalise things. 

Big hugs to you and hope you will enjoy making some really special friendships on this thread  .

Love
Hippy
xxxxxxx


----------



## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hello
I read your post yesterday and found it so honest and so moving. You write  so well of the pain involved in going through this journey without the much longed for family and how gut wrenching that is. It is as you say so poorly understood by those who do not have to face what we face. I appreciate you sharing your journey with us. I hope that you will continue to do that because you are obviously a person with lots of wisdom and knowledge about lots of things. 
One of the most difficult things about this childlessness is the sense of loneliness it brings. I have just found this support group and found it a huge relief to share those feelings with others. It is the first time that I have been able to do that.
I am 42 and me my husband later in life. We gave been trying for 3 years and have had 1 miscarriage and 2 not so flash IVF cycles. We live in New Zealand - in canterbury in the South Island on 15 acres about 40 mins from Christchurch which is the South Islands' biggest city. My husband loves horses too although he does not have one at the moment. 
Ditto about the chat room!
Take care and do not ever ever undervalue yourself.
Lots love Emma


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi JQ,

((((( hugs )))))) - what a moving post hun.  All I can say is welcome to this thread and as the girls have already said, you couldn't be in better company here hun.  The girls  here are fantastically genuine, warm and empathic .... special, special people.

Isn't it ironic how we seem to get drawn to such programmes as these, and once again, find we are sitting in tears and back on a downward spiral afterwards?  It's soooo cruel.

I am so, so sorry for your losses and all the pain you've been through.  You must be a hell of a strong lady to have through all that.  I must admit though, the thing that touched me most, was the fact that you sound as if you have some regrets?  That must be so tough to deal with ...... I can't imagine ......

I can totally understand when you say turning 50 is throwing up a load of emotion and opening up old wounds.  Infertility has a nasty habit of taking the joy and celebration away from birthdays only to leave us feeling life is whizzing by doesn't it?

It sounds like you've got alot to deal with just now.  What with the relationship between you and your partner and I sense you're also feeling slightly guilty about not giving your Mum grandchildren?  and then there's the constant thoughtless comments.  They never cease to astound me and I have often gotten p***ed off smiling through hurtful comments like this.  Why should we?

I really don't think I'm helping much here.  I wish there was something I could say or suggest to make it better but as you know ...... there are just no words.  The pain is too much and the fact that it comes back to "bite us on the bum" when we least expect it just adds to the whole dilemma.  It just affects soooo  much in life doesn't it and I can understand it is hard to "beat" this.

I know counselling isn't for everyone but you've had so much to deal with  over such a long time, those are bound to be deep, deep wounds.  Maybe talking things over with someone not "involved" would help some of the emotion to come out and maybe cleanse yourself a little?

I really hope you manage to sort things out with your partner aswell and be able to enjoy the lifestyle you talk about, and deserve so much.

Sending you wishes of peace, and warm hugs, 

Please feel free to chat to us any time hun,
all my love
gill xo


----------



## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Hi JQ

Thank you for sharing your story with us all. I am so sorry to lean what a really terrible time you have had . You sound an amazingly strong person to have gone through the pain of all those miscarriages and still be in one piece.    It must be hard wondering if you should have gone down a different treatment route. Think thats what happens at stages in life such as important birthdays, its a time for reflection and what if's.....  You did what you thought was right at the time, and can't beat yourself up for things that are past. Easy for me to say I know.  

I truly hope you can sort things out with your partner and get your wish to move back in together.  It can't be easy what with your job and paying mortgage on your own etc.  Hope you can work things out.

Welcome to the site, sure you will find it a great place to off load, cry, laugh etc.Ladies on here are lovely and although we have all had different journeys we can all offer each other support. 


Love Janex


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dearest JQ

I'm not the same age as you, I will be 39 soon and after what seems like most of my adult life with my husband trying to get pregnant (in the right place) or through IVF I have come out of the other side of treatments and loss still childless, and all of my friends who have had kids either have teens, kids who have now left school or are grandparents themselves.

Your post was so heartfelt and moving, and really struck a lot of chords with me. I too have thrown myself into many things to try and 'make up' for not having a family of my own. It seems that often ladies like us are met with lots of resentment from others who have made assumptions about our individual situations. I say who put the word 'ass' in assumptions! Its almost like you are not allowed to be seen with getting on in your life - and you are right about the amount of people out there who think those of us who keep the problems with having kids private are selfish because we 'chose' not to! They all see the media hype and think IVF is going to work first time for everyone - I grant you its much better now than it was years ago but all the same there are no guarantees with anything in this life is there? If I had a pound for the amount of people who told me I 'should try IVF' I would be well on my way to affording another cycle now probably, not that it would do me any good in any case!

I felt for you when you mentioned what you mother was saying at your brothers wedding. How awful for you - as if you haven't had enough of a burden of your own to carry with dealing with your own losses and 'inability' for want of a better word of having that cherished child of your own, you had to take on board your mothers emotions about the subject too. That must have been so hard to listen to.

I have experienced something similar but not in the same capacity as you when my mum showed me a letter from her best friend who assumed she would have been a grandmother because me and my DH had been married a while then. I was so upset - my mum already knew I had had 2 ectopic pregnancies and the implications on my future fertility were destroyed by them - but she still thought she should make the point to me that she _wasn't_ a grandmother yet. She passed away almost 3 years ago still not having her dreams come true in that respect - even though I have 2 older brothers who potentially could have made her a grandparent. Instead she made a big show of buying my friends children things instead - not because she was being spiteful, it was just the way she was but it broke my heart - I felt so guilty and felt I had deprived her of being a grandparent, I knew that she visited all the shops that sold the cute baby and kiddy things because she wished it was her own grandchild she was buying for. It was very hard coming to terms with the fact when she passed away that I had never fulfilled one of her wishes. 

It strikes me that no matter what age you are or what you take on life is, infertility and loss is always something that will remain a part of you. All of my star babies (as I call them) are very close to my heart, there is never a day goes by when I don't think of them. My eldest would have been 13 later on this month - how quickly time goes by!

I am so glad you have your horses, you need something constant and stable (pardon the pun)! in this life. I have my DH and my friends and my 2 beautiful cats - and this place to come to where I can talk about how it is and know that I will not be judged for what I say.

I really hope you can resolve the situation with your partner - I can see the logic in your thinking in financial terms definitely! Men huh? 

Looking forward to getting to know you, I sincerely hope you stick around.

Love,
Emcee xxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Jq your post was very moving and honest. It is also a lesson to us all that we will survive as you have done .I must admit it is one thing that has worried me in the past about how to deal with not having grandchildren as well as children. Sometimes i get annoyed at my mum as she doesnt seem to realise it. 

I am 36 now (dh 46) and altho he has a dd (who has lived with us for 10 yrs) she is now at nearly 16 going to be able to decide if she wants to stay with us or live with her mum.We will be devastated if she does as her mum is an idiot!!!  who abandoned her on various occasions but now wants her !!We will be on tenderhooks until then  

I also understand what you said about being referred for frequent miscarriage instead of ivf. I too went thru tests for miscarriage AFTER my iuis. They were inconclusive as all would have been around the 4/5 week stage and too early for scans.I was abit annoyed they didnt test for all these earlier as my mum had a history of miscarriage(even tho she went on to have kids).Then they also mentionned clomid-5 years after we had first been for tests!!! I was annoyed that i wasnt prescribed it when i was 30 and my eggs were younger -the specialist doesnt recommend it as clomid also can raise fsh levels quicker and she felt i would be better using the natural years i have left. Mind you we are not ttc anymore anyway.

I empathise also with your wedding ! My sister finally got married last year(nearly 35) and i know they will ttc sooner rather than later. She is the first to admit that she is not very maternal but i bet she will be lucky!! My other sister (2 is getting married next year and my brother(31) shortly after that. I am dreading going to all the christenings with a fake smile on my face!!! I have already been thru it with all my friends.I am glad you have found that your horses have saved your sanity.I love horses but should have got into them more when i was younger-then i was very busy dancing at competition level. I went back to do an art class last year and i am now teaching art in school (just 2 classes to start) as well as my languages.

I watched bits of the Robert Winston programme the other nite(in between csi miami!) My dh was out collecting his mum and he hates those programmes. Its very upsetting sometimes tho so it will depend on my mood whether i watch the next few.

Take care and come on here any time you need to xxxx


----------



## clarastara (Dec 15, 2005)

Hi Jq

I read your post and just wanted to say that I really admire your bravery and honesty.  The whole IF journey seems to produce some incredibly strong, sensitive people and I appreciated you sharing your experiences here.  

A close friend of my mum's told me about her IF journey.  Now in her 60s, she has many friends who have grandchildren and found it extremely upsetting at first, not least because they are the favourite topic of conversation for many people.  However, she leads the most incredible life and has done some very exciting things including recently sailing around the world.  She's an inspiration to me when it comes to living our lives to the fullest!  

Alot of people on this site seem to have endured many tactless comments and assumptions, it's so strange how people can treat you when they don't understand IF.  At 32 I'm at the stage where alot of people I know are having their second and third children, and they are always asking me why I don't have any and saying "go on have one".  It's so hard to know what to say!

I hope you feel better for posting on here about your journey, and that you will keep in touch.  

I truly hope that you find happiness in everything you do.

Clara xx


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear JQ
I have just read your post and i was so touched by the words and the honesty. I was saddened to read all the pain and heartache that you have been through. To get through your journey in one piece is such a credit to you because you sound to me one brave person. It shows what an incredibly strong and lovely person you are and i am sure that there are not many people out there that have gone through such a difficult journey. 
I am so glad that you could share this with us, as it puts so many things into prospective that some lives have been more difficult than others.My path has not been so difficult and at times i am grateful that i have not had to endure that kind of loss.
I wish you happiness and i hope that you will find it, because you so deserve some light in your life. Thanks for being here with us you are an inspiration.
lots of love astridx


----------

