# Really Struggling



## Live Laugh Love Dream (Oct 27, 2011)

Hi

I haven't posted or visited for while, but feel as if I need to some help, or just to rant.    I am finding it so difficult to cope with our ttc journey and just life in general at present, it takes me all my energy just to get up in the morning for work, and to cook and clean. My exercise routines have fallen by the wayside and all I want to do is sleep and cry!   Anything outwith my normal working routine gets me slightly stressed. All of which I know aren't helping matters.  

My dp has just proposed  and obviously I am over the moon about this, but at the same time a part of me feels that it is just added pressure I don't need! What if we don't get pregnant? My dp has always wanted a family, and it breaks my heart to think he might not have that with me    and I really don't think I could do that to him. 

All of our tests so far have been fine, but I recently had my FSH tested and it came back at 8.9, the sister said that I shouldn't be concerned until it gets to over 9.2 - well I'm certainly not far away from it.....   She also said that it can fluctuate and they wouldn't test AMH until we got to the IVF stage.  It is another 18months before we would be considered for ivf on the nhs, and I'm so worried that by the time we get to the top of the list my levels will be too high/low  

I just don't know what to do.....? I try to speak to my dp about it all, but he just says that I shouldn't get stressed, and not to worry he's positive it will happen.   This frustrates me by no means!!! Sometimes feel he doesn't understand.  He says we just keep trying forever and that's it, but I can't.......I'm not emotionally strong enough for that and can't live my life on the what ifs, I'm at the stage where I feel I need to make a decision - either we keep trying or we don't....I can't take much move of this ttc to journey.

Thanks for reading.  Please feel free to post your thoughts and any advice - all welcome.

Nite
x


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Congratulations on dp proposing.  He sounds like a lovely chap who wants to marry you because he loves you for you, and not just for your potential role as a mummy. Try to take things one step at a time.  Ttc is so hard, and it sounds like you are in a bit of limbo at the moment, which must be making things feel much worse.From what you say, you still have lots of options re ttc, so my main advice is to try not to panic, and to look at what you can do to move things forward instead. I found that taking some action myself helped me feel more in control and less frustrated and down.

A few things spring to mind. (1) can you motivate yourself into revamping your diet, trying some exercise again, or having acupuncture etc. All of these helped give me back some focus, helped me feel better physically and emotionally generally, and also helped increase the chance of a BFP.(2) Can you get an AMH test done privately?  Or even have a private referral to a fertility clinic to get more insight into what is happening/likely to happen re your FSH/AMH over the next 18 months? It may be that you are worrying yourself unnecessarily.  An FSH of 8.9 doesn't seem high to me, but I don't know your age.  Anyway, if it is worrying you that it is going to increase before you get to have NHS IVF, then perhaps you need to take the bull by the horns and get more information so that you can make an informed decision as to what you should do. (3) Is there any way you can consider paying for IVF given that the waiting list in your area is so long?  It is alot of money to find, but there are always ways and means, and, if you need to save up, finding ways of doing this will, again, give you some focus and give you back a bit of control.

Hope some of this helps.  Hang on in there.     

Ellie


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## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

Once you lose all motivation, it's so hard to get it back.  It's so easy to slip into the TTC rut where it's all you think about and can't even possibly focus on anything else.

Your dp sounds very supportive and similar to how mine is, believes very much that it WILL happen and wants to be with you no matter what, says we will get there soon enough, but sometimes it's just infuriating when you want it to happen NOW.  Cherish the way he is, I know of a lot of partners who are very unsupportive and happy to throw the towel in far too quickly!

If I were you, I would go and have my AMH tested privately, just for peace of mind if nothing else.  It may help you relax knowing exactly where you are now and not having to wait 18 months stressing each day, not knowing what you will be faced with.  

If this ends up putting your mind at ease, this in turn should help with your motivation and getting you out of the place you are at right now.

Congratulations on your engagement and wishing you lots of luck


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## Vickytick (Feb 25, 2011)

Congrats on your engagement. 

I can empathise because I got married last year knowing that we'd already had 1 mc and 1 failed IVF. My dh speech was so nice it practically sent everyone crying but it was slightly cryptic as not everyone knew what was going on or certainly the extent. Hes the one like yours who pulls my up with positivity otherwise I think I'd live in my bed. It's hard I know but as the others hve said so many ladies have unsupportive dps we should be thankful for ours. You don't know for certain you'll never have a child it just feels like that the moment (I'm v sorry if that comes across patronising I don't mean it as I often feel the same as you).  PLEASE don't give up yet. I know 18 months is a long time and will feel like forever. I'm nhs as well and have to wait 6 months between cycles. I know that it was suggested doing private IVF but be v careful if you do a it can contravene your funding in some pcts. I do immunes testing private but my IVF clinic doesn't know again it can contravene your funding which I hate to see you lose. Only tell what you have to and keep some info to yourself it's a lesson learnt...

Good luck and I hope you can get through the wait 

Xx


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## Live Laugh Love Dream (Oct 27, 2011)

Hi Ladies - thanks so much for your posts, just reading your supportive messages has helped   sometimes you just need to offload. 

I am 32 and we have been ttc for almost 3yrs now - feels like a lifetime, but not long at all compared to some others. 

We have thought about going privately, we have been told that it won't effect our NHS entitlement, however, if we are successful and get over the 8wk pregnant mark, we would lose our place on the NHS list, even if we miscarried after that date   which is a hit unfair I feel. 

I think I will look into getting my AMH tested privately, hopefully that will give me an answer that would help clarify our next step 

I went fore some acupuncture last year and really enjoyed it, so I might look into that again too - feel as if we don't have enough money to go around all this plus a wedding lol! You find the money from somewhere though, eh!

Thanks again for all your help  

Xx


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