# Unexpected bite on the bum



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Friends,

I am well used to dealing with the regular type of BOB (bite on bum) moments and now do pretty well with them as a moving/moved on person. But I have just had a really unexpected BOB that has taken me aback.

*Background. *

I am now nearly 51 and would obviously haved loved children, and by now, if fertile, may have hoped for grandchildren soon. I had a very close relationship with my maternal grandmother and almost looked to being a grandmum myself before I realised I would need to be a mum first!

DH's sisters have 9 children between them, no grandchildren yet.

I have a SiL, R, I get on with best. R has turned to me for support with a difficult marriage. Her eldest daughter N, (now early 30's) has also looked to me for support. R has been glad that I could be there for N and encouraged me in this role. I was pleased to be a "good aunt."

I have listened to both of them throughout their difficult times........

I thought both SiL, R, and niece, N, were sympathetic and understanding about my IF.

My younger brother of 48 was married last year to an early-20's-something woman and they expect to start a family soon. They live in Spain, so I don't see them much. My half-brother is in his early 30's and with a later-20's woman and also hopes to start a family soon, in NZ, so again, I do not have close contact.

I thought I was ready for the announcements.

But...

*BOB moment*

Just now I got a *text message* from SiL,R to say N is pg. SiL's text says she did not ring as she has a sore throat. (SiL is ill a lot!) The BOB is not that R is to be a grandmother, nor that N is to be a mum, more that they told me by text. That is what was so unexpected.

I am feeling upset that SiL R has not recognised that this first announcement of grandchildren in my family would be hard for me. I have discussed with her that IF does not end with not having children, but involves never being a grandparent either.

I do realise she is excited to be a grandmother. She knows I will be glad for N. But why did she announce it to me in a text, not knowing when I would receive it and whether I would have anyone around to support me? And has she thought about how her brother, my DH, will feel? ( DH and I currently live separately, and as it happens I was alone when I got the news. I don't even know if he has received it yet, I doubt it. I don't want to ring DH with the news as he may need holding too and we are not together to do the holding.)

If she has a sore throat, why could she not have waited till she was better?

And I am upset that my niece has not contacted me directly. She has often said that she wishes I could have been a mum as she thinks I would have been a great one. As a woman in her 30's, she is surely old enough to have some empathy?

I think I am being honest to say I am pleased for R and for N, but what upsets me is that they do not seem to have remembered that such announcements bring a mixture of emotions. That DH ad I will need to be held close by people who love us when we get such news, and that indeed they are supposed to be among the people who love us.

R and N, (and others) know that DH and I have moved on. But they seem to thimk this means we have forgotten our pain, that we are immunne to further sadness.

Do I tell R and N "Congrats", but please be a bit more sensitive towards me? Or do I just say "Congrats"? I do not want to alienate them, but do not want to have to put up with my own feelings being ignored. Had enough of that during ttc, Tx and 7 miscarriages and I don't want an echo of that to continue during the "elder" phase of my life.

Maybe this is just a red herring (!) but it adds to the worry I have about the impending weekend I have ahead with my own folks. I am going to Spain for mum's surprise 70th birthday the weekend after this. A big do with lots of her friends. I am arriving next Friday evening, along with other people, and leaving Sun am, same time as other people. So no time alone with close family. (Arranged this way by stepdad.) My Spanish brother and his wife will be there. I am sure they will talk about their hopes for a baby soon, if not make an announcement. Mum is longing to be a grandmother and has never really been sensitive to my feelings. She will expect me to be over the moon with her as an aunt to her grandchid! I am worried that I will have to cope similtaneously with being childless and grandchildless all at once! (Hope that makes sense!) I will be alone, and surrounded by people I don't know. (Please don't ask why DH not coming - that is a long story indeed, and we don't live together anyway). I thought I could deal with whatever the weekend brings, till I got that text.

I do know all the stuff I would say to somebody posting a similar message. So no need to reply,. ( I mean that!) I have got it off my chest now! Thanks for reading.

Love Jq xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dearest jq, 

I was going to ask why you were up tapping away in the small hours, but I can now see that with a worry on your mind, you may well be mulling it over till late. 

As usual, I have no real wisdom. I find it extraordinarily difficult when the few people on the planet who are supposed to give a toss about me, don't. You are utterly justified in being annoyed about getting this news by text; my guess is, they didn't have the nerve / skills / whatever, to do it in a more personal, sensitive way - not to be rude about them, but our problem really does blow people's minds so much they don't know where to look. If advice is what you are looking for, then my four penneth would be to do nothing for a few days, allowing yourself time to construct a composed and dignified answer, and to let them mull over their actions too. I find that too often we ladies are not only carrying our own pain, but are 'managing' the awkwardness for others too. Tough, let them manage it for themselves - however much we care about them. 

As for the party, again, no wisdom but can utterly empathise with your feelings about this event. All I can offer you is the strategies I used to survive the family wedding I was at last week;
1) text buddies - set them up and make sure you check in with them a lot on the day (I'm offering to be one if required....)
2) make a little business card sized motto card - I typed up a few affirmations, quotes, etc that really help me feel calm on to the business card template in publisher, and carried a few copies around all week - one in my jeans, one in my handbook, one as my book mark, you get the idea. I read it often. 
3) rescue remedy - it works.
4) you can downlaod a progressive muscle relaxation or guided imagery script off of itunes onto an mp3 player, and nip off every now and then. I have a couple on my itunes and could email them to you if you want. 
5) photos of the things you love - i had my two doggies in my phone memory.
6) angel cards - draw a little inspiration and comfort a couple of times a day.
7) decide how you want to deal with BOB moments before they come up; have a script in your head, a plan of action, and always allow yourself to excuse yourself from the situation to do any of the above at any time. 

I'd be happy to brainstorm a few more with you jq if you need it, just let me know. 

In my therapy this week I had a lightbulb moment, and it came out of my mouth like this; I don't know how much more my grief is going to want of me, a little? or a lot? In the end, I cannot predict this, and so as well as being prepared, like any good girl guide, I want to wear life like a loose garment, so that when it comes along, I allow it in and give it room to swish around me and then float away. I just offer this incase it gives you a different perspective. 

You are an inspiration to many here, and we will all be with you in spirit.....

love, 

MM xxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

jq - I can only pop on quick cos I'm at work but I will try and pop on again over the weekend.

I hate the thought of you hurting hun (as we all do).  

We all have close friends/relatives who think they understand (and they really can't unless they've been thro it).  The thing is, they think once it's been talked through that we are then 'over' our situations and they see us getting on with life.  Sometimes WE even think we are over things but then, as you've said, you get a BOB moment that completely throws you.

Maybe the txt was sent to prepare you?  Maybe they didn't know how to tell you?  I am in no way saying it was the correct way to do things.

I think you probably didn't suspect you would react in the way you have.  Don't be hard on yourself, you are a caring lady and you have feelings too.

Thinking of you jq
Much love
Nix (Niki)
x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

big hugs JQ, people are so rubbish sometimes aren't they. Text is a bit of a cowardly custard way to tell you but probably they did not know the best way to approach it. Blinking mobile phones have removed so much one to one communication, they have a lot to answer for. They do sound like they care about you a lot though, something to hold onto.

xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Jq- i am so sorry you are sad.I often think about the grand kids thing as well as kids but i doubt any one else in my family has ever considered this. I empathise completely with BOB announcements /moments as ALL my siblings are just married /getting married this last 18 mths. I will dread the first announcement and hope that my sister(if it is she who is the first) tells me sensitively and not with the rest of my family presentin case i get upset.I had a big chat with her last year (after deciding to stop treatment) and i think she understood.Mind you i feel that my mum etc will just expect me to be happy for her as "she is my sister" and get on with it.

Last nite i was out shopping with my mum and met a girl from school who is still off on maternity(a nice girl,not smug!) and she has met me out shopping with mum before.She said" the last time i saw you both i was out to here"- i know she didnt mean anything by that but i wondered did my mum think of me and wonder how that affects me?

I hope you survive your mums bday celebrations.Good Luck xxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

I'm sorry to butt in  
but I've just read your post jq and wanted to give you a big  after reading your post.
Its hard to take things like that - even though they are probably not ment nastily at all.
Take care of yourself 
Deb


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Jq,

Just wanted to send you my support and some hugs ......  

In my experience, I have sometimes found that "less is more" ..... By that, what I mean is that sometimes "doing or saying nothing" can have more of an impact than anything you may have said.  I once had an insensitive e-mail from someone announcing a pregnancy.  I was soooo angry and upset and thought long and hard about all the things I wanted to say back.  In the end, I said nothing.  I didn't reply to it at all and I'm SURE this had a bigger impact in terms of making the "sender" think.  She was left wondering why I hadn't replied and I'm sure this would have been a good lesson to her on tact and sensitivity.

As for dreading this trip to Spain, you mentioned your Mum can be insensitive to your feelings and you feel very "alone" despite being with your family.......... have you considered just making excuses and backing out of this one?  i know this sounds horrible but whilst you're feeling so raw, maybe this would only add to your hurt?  Perhaps this is a time you need to look after YOU.....?    In my opinion, this would not make you a bad person.  From what I have picked up from your posts in the past, you have always been the one trying to make the effort to make contact with your family and keep in touch with everyone so you have nothing to feel guilty about there.  I can appreciate it must be really difficult with everyone living abroad but I wouldn't like to see you putting unneccessary pressure on yourself at a time that's hard enough already and lets face it, no-body else understands how hard this IF is unless they've been through it themselves so they can't and should not judge.  Only you know how it feels, how it affects you and you need to look after yourself.  You shouldn't feel you should have to "justify" anything.  The people that really know the REAL JQ and love you, should understand .....

I don't know, you know your family better than I do but I'm sure if you came up with a good enough "white lie excuse" just this once, maybe, just maybe you would feel relieved and even feel good about yourself that you were able to regain some control over a potential nightmare situation?

Just food for thought JQ, I hope it helps with your dilemma .....

Take care of yourself and your DH, remember you are in this together, not alone ...

all my love
Gill xo


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

JQ,

My thoughts on this are that your S-I-L sent you the news by text because she thought it would be easier for you to receive it this way - i.e. she thought that if she spoke to you directly then you would have to been forced to react positively (i.e. pretend to be happy) when in fact you are hurting so much. By receiving the news by text, it gives you a chance to compose yourself and then respond when you feel ready.

She probably felt in a "No-win" situation but honestly thought this was better for you....

S.A.F.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh jq, I'm so sorry that this BOB moment has knocked the wind out of your sails.

OK, maybe it was easier to 'tell' you via text... perhaps it was the cowards way out from their perspective? Positives are at least you have been told - even if it was through a text and not face to face or verbally.... I've lost count of the times me and DH haven't been told when a family member has been expecting - we weren't even told about the arrival of our nephew until he was 2 months old which I think is shocking behaviour and there is *no excuse* for!  I think I would be miffed not being told face to face or via a telephone call as well though - it makes you wonder what exactly are they thinking? That you have suddenly grown 2 heads? Morphed into an alien instead of this person whom they have known for years? Argh!

I can really empathise with the no kids / no grandkids scenario because its something that has played a lot on my mind over the years, especially recently with different people I know popping up and announcing their kids are expecting - I mentioned one a while ago on here. Surprise, surprise, my pal rang me asking if we wanted to arrange a night to go out for a meal but really she wanted to talk about her son getting his ex (yes, his *ex*)!!! girlfriend pregnant and how pleased/amazed she is at becoming a grandparent even though her son isn't too chuffed... yada yada ya...

That was a fair few weeks ago and we haven't seen her for that meal yet - and I'm dreading it if and when we do because I don't know how I'm going to cope with the constant blathering about this grandchild to be... my BOB thing with this is me and DH have been together a long time and everything we have tried in the pregnancy dept never worked out - now here are these 2 people who aren't even in a relationship pregnant! Scream!

Its all so difficult isn't it? Because whilst we want those close to us to be sensitive to us, we don't want to be cold shouldered either... but then there is no accouting for our feelings and how these things can suddenly pop up out of nowhere and WHAM! We've been bitten on the  once again!

Like the sentiment that has been echoed throughout this board time and again hon, others who have never been through this simply have no idea of the heartache and life long effects of never being able to produce your own family. You know that old saying ignorance is bliss? Well whoever coined it was dead right there!

Much love to you - if you need a text bud you know where I am!

Emcee x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thank you all so much for your kind and considered replies. It means so much to have this support and I may take people up on the text buddy idea! (And to reciprocate when needed, of course.) It is especially nice to hear from some new people I have not heard from before - no need to think of yourself as "butting in" Charlies Mum!

I am sorry that others also have to struggle with similar BOBs as Emcee and Irisheyes have shared. At least we can share with one another eh?

Thank you for helping me see the positive aspect too, S.A.F, Nix and Yamoona, that my Sil and niece care even if they have been clumsy. 

Gill, I will heed your advice re keeping quite for a while. I will probably send a letter eventually. Talking of which-

I am afraid I still think text was the wrong way to go about it! If people can't cope with telephone or face to face they could do an old fashioned letter! Letters are so unusual now that when you get one you are almost prepared by the fact of it's arrival for some big news, which would help. Plus at least when you get them you are guaranteed to be in the (hopefully) safe and private environment of home, unlike text which can whack you anywhere! When I write my book on IF I will include that little tip for friends and family! SiL has no excuse, she is usually good at letters and quite often sends one when she wants to talk about her own issues!

I will be going to Spain though, Mum's birthday is too big an occasion to miss and I can't let her down because SiL has been a bit insensitive and on the off chance of another BOB that may never happen! But just in case I go armed with the clever ideas from MM. How can you possibly say MM that you have no wisdom to share? Your reply to me is a wonderful testimony on how valuable your workshops will be! (But what are angel cards?!!!!)

Thanks once again, these replies illustrate just what emcee was talking about when she posted "I am blessed." So am I!

Jq xxxxx


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