# Dreading visit to see brother in laws new baby



## marie73

Hello all

Feel so guilty writing this but I am just hoping someone has got some good advice. We are going to see my brother in law DH's brother and wife at weekend who had a baby on Monday and I am dreading it. If I could get out of going I would, but know that that is the wrong thing to do. I just really can't face seeing them and I feel awful. DH wants to go and its clearly the right thing to do but the thought of seeing the one thing so badly that I want is going to have me in tears and don't want to make a show of myself. 

Not sure what to do at all - know I need to give myself a big kick up the butt but I am so dreading going as I know I will en dup in tears after we leave and DH is I think losing patience with my inability to cope.     What is worse is that I feel so bad about this - I know I should be able to handle this situation and should be happy for them, its just such a stark reminder of what I don't have. 

Marie xx


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## shortbutsosweet

hi marie
your story hit a nerve with me.  I guess deep down i have always thought i had fertility problems so when people asked me if i had kids i would brush them off or blame my career on the fact i didnt have any.
Does your partners family know about your treatment etc?
Spend a short time in their company, hope its not too traumatic


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## kellymarie

Hi
  I understand a little how you must be feeling.. In the 6yrs years me&my partner have been ttc I have been given 2newphews& 1niece, also both my sister-in-laws are pg, due in this summer!! Everyone is aware of my situtation but not very sensitive. I cant tell you how to cope with seeing the new baby but i found some relief in holding the baby imagining holding my own baby one day. It's okay to cry when you leave  you need to let out your pain sometimes& specially after you see the new baby, crying is like pain relief, I cry nearly everytime i see my nephews &niece still! Maybe warn your DH you'll need a big cuddle &a shoulder to cry on after.. Good luck xxx


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## Dewey

Hi Marie73,

You have probably been to see the new baby already - i hope it went ok? My DH doesn't get my emotional state either, but at least you've got FF to come and vent your frustrations to!!

I actually feel a bit differently to you, I enjoy getting a cuddle from a new born, although it does make me a little sad when I have to hand them back.  Also, I love seeing my nephews, but that is because they were born before we started ttc.  

It's pregnant people or pregnancy announcements that send my emotions sky rocketing, infact i'm going to a wedding on Friday of an old school friend, and out of the 3 couples i know that are going........yep, you've guessed it...............all 3 of them are pregnant


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## callmechar

Didnt want to read and run.

A close friend has just had a baby, photos and status updates all over ********. Very hard to deal with. Hope it went ok


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## coweyes

Marie

Ok, basically the way i see situation like that is that its "damage limitation"!  Yes it is going to hurt and yes it is going to be painful.  But if it is something that you are going to have to face then you just have to try and make sure it hurts as least as possible.  

1)  What i do is visit the new baby when the hype has died down abit.  I hate turning up when others are there coooing  over the baby, i find it too much.  Go early in the morning or a few weeks later, any time when you belive that your be the only visitors!

2)  Walk strait in and ask to hold the baby, this gets it over and done with and pre empties a situation that could mean its forced on you.

3)  Stay a manageable amount of time, say an hour then make your reasons for leaving.  Your cope a lot better going in to the situation knowing that its only an hour or so!

4)  Go through the motions but try and stay emotionally detached.  (know thats debatable but thats how i cope)

5)  Understand and except that it is going to be hard, anyone in your situation would find it hard.

I have been trying for number 1 for over five years some of my family are having number 3, it is sooooooo hard to cope with but i just do my best the same as you and the rest of us on here.  Remembe to be kind to yourself and proud of yourself. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Maisyz

Well I'd say, don't feel pressured to go if you really don't feel ready. People get totally bombarded with visitors first few weeks anyway and the babies aren't going to remember you visiting or not. If you find it very difficult a win win might be to make sure you turn up just before a meal time is due, thus naturally limiting the time you'll have to stay. Turn up bearing a couple of casseroles or nice chocolate pudds and even if you don't feel the need to go ga ga over baby mum will still think you're the bees knees. Offer to do something useful which helps out mum (like put a wash on, do her some ironing anything) which gets you out of the room but which any over tired new mum would love a hand with. Lot's of possibilities for baby limiting time. Other wise (and if you really need to avoid a visit) start practicing your sniffle know, heck it can be a full blown fake chest infection by the time visiting day comes and of course you wouldn't want to risk passing it on to the new little one so etc. Must admit I shudder whenever I get the usual ******** bombardment of baby announcements, scan pics are the ones that upset me the most I most admit. With babies way I look at it is it's their very much wanted baby so I am happy for them and lets face it, its not their fault I'm in the situation I am etc.

Hope all goes Ok when you do visit sweets but hey worst case and you can't face it get faking that cold/ chest infection sharpish.


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## catkin79

Hi Marie,

I know it's hard - many of my friends and family are having babies left right and centre.  Doesn't always seem fair but I try to think positive and wish them well.  It's more pregnancy announcements and scans that i find harder to deal with, rather than visiting babies.  When I do visit I try to visualise myself with a baby when I'm having a cuddle.  I was at a wedding last week and unbeknownst to me one of the couples we were sat with had a baby with them - only 7 weeks old.  I hadn't met them before, although DH had, and I'm sure they must have thought I was barmy cos I was staring wistfully at the baby all day.  I finally asked for a cuddle later in the evening!

Hope the visit to your SIL wasn't too painful for you.  However it makes you feel, it's a valid emotion and DH needs to understand that and help you deal with it in the best way you can.  Dismissing the emotions or telling you to pull yourself together is not helpful.

Chin up love! xxx


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## marie73

Hello lovely ladies,

thank you all so much for the advice - it was really appreciated. We went and did the visit and to be honest I think it was less painfiul than I had expected. I did use alot of the tips that you guys gave, we arrived about an hour before dinner so couldn't stay long. ~I went in held the baby straight away which was I think the hardest moment. Lovely but the longing is so bad. I then offered to do some ironing which got me some brownie points and really helped to take my mind off things. 

It wasn't easy but i am glad I did it. I managed to keep myself together all the way home (didn't help having mother in law in car so had to keep it in). But secretly had a little sniffle when on my own later that night. 

Its so lovely to have FF to vent my frustrations on and especially get all the brilliant advice and support.
Thank you all so very much
Big hugs to you all
   

marie xx


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## marie73

Hey W1insome

I know exactly what you mean - my best friend at work is pregnant - normally I would drink tea and chat to her each day - she works in same building but a different office. I have done everything to avoid her for last 4 months and just hate having to see her each day. Its like a stabbing pain and loads worse than the baby lust I have when anyone else has told me. I hate myself for feeling thsi way and am gutted that I can't pull myself together as I would hate to lose her but its just too painful - and to protect myself I just try and avoid her. 

We do what we do though to protect ourselves and sometimes we jsut have to do what we do to look after number 1 for a little while at least.

Its good to know that we are not alone thoughm hey?
Marie xx


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## coweyes

Well done thats brill.

I am going to have to put into practise my own words as my dear friend has just had a baby girl.  I said i would visit in a bit, she totally understood.  Bless her, so will probably visit next week, feel scared shxxless already!!!


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## Julsipoos

Hi, I totally understand how you were/are feeling!! I thought I was being wierd! My sis-in-law is due to give birth in July and I am already worrying about meeting the baby for the first time. If our 1st pregnancy had worked out we would have been due with a couple of weeks of eachother. It's so hard! I feel stronger than I did at first but we are due to start ivf again soon so I will be raw again if this attempt doesnt work so I might be back to being an emotional wreck! Ive warned her I might cry! Im just trying to be happy for her and looking forward to having my 1st nephew (but its still so difficult!). Im even tempted to delay treatment until after he's born but also eager to start again.

it helps to know you didnt find it as difficult as you thought and I TOTALLY understand!!

Juls x


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## kellymarie

hey.. same here julsipooos.. 3years ago when i miscarried my sis-in-law fell pregnant 2weeks after i fell pregnant via icsi.. whenever i look at my nephew i wonder.. I feel pregnant last year and suprise my sis-in-law fell pregnant whilst i miscarried my second. She is due in june'11, and to be totally honest i have got to the point where i know longer can put on a brave face and really think i should keep my distance or i'll go insane  

Sounds harsh but hopefully you guys understand where i'm coming from when 'normal couples do not'
kelly xxx


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## boomarang

Oh I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. I always feel incredibly guilty for having these feelings, only today I went on ******** to see that my ex sister in law had a professional bump pictures taken! I shouldn't of even bothered looking, but curiosity got the better of me. It just cuts like a knife and the feeling of wanting is just so overwhelming. I hate feeling like this and try my very best to be so happy for friends and family when they tell me there news, but its so hard sometimes. I just keep on thinking why not me!! Knowing that I'm not alone with these feelings makes me feel so much better though.
I wish you all the best.xxx


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## coweyes

Boomarang it's so difficult isn't it. I have come to except that pretty much every one that I know will get pg before me. I try hard to concentrate on my own aim and journey, yes it will (and is) later than my friends and family but hopefully I will get there.


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## nellie271212

I am so glad you decided to visit, it really is hard but much less isolating than avoiding visiting people with children. I just think of it as building my emotional resilience as avoiding visiting made me feel even more alone and down. Just think of it as investing in your emotional resilience and see it as what you have to look forward to to keep that love and hope in your heart alive


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## coweyes

nellie


What a lovely way of putting it. xxx


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## Lollie2501

Hi All

It is very hard when family and friends are having babies when you are struggling with infertility. My SIL announced she was pg 3 wks after my 2nd mc in 2009 and since then we have been unable to conceive. When our Niece was born I found it so hard to go and see her and put it off for ages. My Gran said to me that holding a new born baby was catching and I liked the idea of that so used this thought to get me through meeting the new addition. An old wives tale that gave me some hope and got me through a difficult time.

Since then friends have had babies and I remember what my Gran told me, hoping that one day it will happen!! All being well with DH's SSR we will be starting ICSI in August.

Well done Marie!!! 

Best of Luck to you all


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## boomarang

Lollie that is such a lovely way to think I will now have to hold every newborn possible! lolxx


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## mentalist76

Oh I'm so there with you right now. I have a friend of mine who had her baby in January. My hubby and I have been TTC for 3 years now with no luck. She got pregnant on her honeymoon!!

I've managed so far to avoid her but I can honestly say that 5 months on it's getting harder to pluck up the courage to see her. The longer you leave it the harder it gets. So my advice is go now and get it out of the way. I know it's hard but it's better in the long run.


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## No3?

I always found the announcement of friends' pregnancies harder than when the babies arrive.  Seeing a bump was painful as I wanted to be pregnant so much but when I saw the babies, I still loved them and they clearly weren't my babies they were having so I able to cope with it.  It's all very difficult.  I miscarried after my first treatment and within weeks it seemed that all my friends were pregnant.  We had been trying for years and lost a baby and they all tried for less than a year and were all pregnant.  No one understands unless they have been there themselves.  Please don't give up hope though of having a baby.  I can recommend going abroad - it worked well for us.


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## marie73

Hello ladies

W1insome - I feel so bad for you. No. 1 you are not a total coward, you are doing what you can to protect yourself at a time wehn we are in so much heartache. Sadly, no one else can really appreciate or understand the feeling unless they have been there themselves. No. 2 you will pluck up the courage to deal with this at some point, I firmly believe that every woman going through ongoing fertility issues turns out to be a much stronger woman in the long run. Being denied the thing that you long for most and the thing that our bodies were made to do is probably one of the most awful things to deal with. You can't come out of this (regardless of end results ie baby or no baby) without becoming a stronger person.  No. 3 you have got courage, to come on here and tell people things that we probably never want to voice out loud, you will find the strength to deal with this.  I hope you find the strength to go and see them, I think you should be honest with them and tell them how you feel, that it has been really hard for you being around other people's babies, but you don't want to miss out and you espeically want to be close to your niece / nephew. It will help your DH and you only need to do it once and then keep your distance if you need to. I have seen the new baby now a couple of times and each time becomes a little easier. Come on girl you can do it. Keep me posted and pm me if you need a sounding board - or a pep talk. It would be lovely to help, your kind words were a blessing for me.     for you. 

Caroline 79 - I know exactly what you mean I find the bumps difficult to deal with too - I have a close friend who is 7 months pregnant and it hurts each time i see her. 

Lollie - that is such a lovely idea - I am firm believer in old wives tales and superstions - I have to avoid ladders, pinch muself when I see a magpie etc. I am going to add that slogan to the list. I sound like a right nutter hey...   

Nellie - i have started and emotional resillience bank going, its helped that often along with boosting the emotional resilience that after a visit there are always a few tears leaking in private later but we get thorugh and toughen up a little each time. 

Hugs to all others who have helped through this.     Your words are such a help.

AFM - now best friend is due to have a baby soon and I did have to apologise last time we met as I felt I had been avoiding her but I told her (quite brutally) how I felt (tend to be to honest for my own good sometimes!) and i sent her an email afterwards, to tell her more openly that I would not want to lose a best friend because i can't cope with her having a baby. I want to be in her life and her babies and I will find a way to deal with it, but I might need a hug or sometimes a bit of a wide berth occaissionaly. She understand s a little bit better now I hope and I feel better that she at least knows why I may not visit as much. 

Hugs to all,

Marie xxxx


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