# Feeling personal threat from birthmum



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Where do I start??
Well Missboo was required to be placed "away from the area" when adopted. And hence, she came to us  

Last year we found out that the birthfamily had moved lock stock and barrel to where we live, apparently a coincidence. I have been assured that they would pose no physical threat to us. 
We have been lucky in receiving information from SS about them changing addresses. But to say we live in a big place, and they had a pick of areas, they moved just 1 mile from our home.
SS persuaded us to keep Missboo's name, which we love, but it is distinctive and if shouted out in the street would certainly make certain people's ears prick up and take note. We also met birthparents and as we've not changed all that much, SS agree that it's quite likely that if we're spotted we'll be recognised.
Now since last year's initial shock, I've tried to get on with our lives and not dwell on it.

2 days ago I picked Missboo up from nursery and took her in the car, to a shop for a treat. Unbeknown to us, the birthfamily were seen walking along the same street only 20minutes earlier.
DH told me when he got in from work. I nearly died.
It hit home how close they are to us, and how close we came that afternoon.

It's sparked it all off in my mind again, about where do they work? What places should we avoid?
The thought of turning a corner or walking into a shop and coming face to face with her, makes me physically sick.
SS can't help can they? I didn't know who else to speak to about it, so that's why I'm here!
Missboo is my daughter (well, ours!) and the thought of birthmum knowing who we are and knowing where we live sends a shiver through me.

Has anyone else experienced this fear? And how do I deal with it??


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## Ann (Mar 21, 2002)

Hi

Have sent you an im  

Ann x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Ever

I have no words of advise or experience hun, just wanted to send you a hug and some support.  

I too would be worrying about this, I won't even go to the closest city to us as its also the closest to BF 'just incase'.

Love
OT x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Ever

Massive hugs hun- its such a worry 

My DD has an unusal name and i have started to shortern it down so that when we are out in public she answers to it as even though we live a distance to birth family we do go to the same towns ect and i ahve the same worry esp as we did a meeting with BM and her parents

Can you ring your LA and seek there advise and support

Is there anyway of shorterning down your DD name or giving her a "nick name" for when your out and about - my DD knows that only mummy and daddy call her by her short name and that everyone else calls her by her full name

xxxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi MJ

Yes, we do tend to call her by a shortened name or her nickname in public. But all of her friends shout after her on the way to nursery and use her proper name.

Don't know.


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hi ever, sorry no advice really  i think i would be terrified in your situation and just want to run away and hide  

sending you big    

pam xx


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## Guest (Jul 11, 2008)

We have a similar issue as, although we live in a small village, we are midway between two towns; mum lives in one town and the rest of their birth family in the other, so anytime we go out shopping, swimming etc I dread bumping into someone.  

Secondary schools will also be an issue as that would be close to birth family and some of the cousins are a similar age.  Again, DD1 has an unusual name and although she will have a new surname by them, her first name is distinctive.  They are also distinctive as a family as all three have bright red hair, and being older are more easily recognised and recognising.  

We have thought about moving but that would mean more disruption for them, although if we were forced into it because of work issues we wouldn't be sorry (well apart from the friends etc we'd leave behind).  

So far, so good and we are four months in, so hopefully if and when it happens they will be fairly settled here, so the impact wil be reduced.  Mum is not likely to be a threat to us, but dad could be and I'm not sure about the rest of the family.   

Anyway, hope you find a way forward for you

Bop


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Sorry Ever, I've no real experience of this.  There is a possibility of bumping into DS's BM as she lives in the nearest large town to us and I do go shopping there occasionally but normally don't take him.  It's not an issue with DD as we never met BM.

All I can say is I hope you get some support to help you deal with this, I can't blame you for feeling scared, I know I would be.  In our LA we have After Adoption support which is there to ask for advice/help after we have adopted.  Do you have something similar locally than you could get advice from?

All I can really offer is    

Take care
Cindy


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

I am in the unusual situation of having met birth family several times as I have taken K to all his family contacts. Now that he is staying with us  and birth family do not know this, we have has to think about the location issues. 
K has a fairly unusual name for a boy and also a very very unusual spelling of it, hence one of the reasons we are legally changing the spelling. 
If and when we bump into birth family , I am not sure what will happen, prpbably just walk the other way. Its difficult to know until I am in that position.

Ever I would contact the adoption support and see if they have any suggestions? 

Big  to you

x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks for all your support.

I've always contacted the relevant LA who still have contact with the BF, but so far have got no good advice from them. I will see on Monday if I can contact someone from our own LA for post adoption.

I do feel like running and hiding, but why should we? We've lived here all our lives and everyone  and everything we know are right on our doorstep. It'd break my heart absolutely if it came to that. I have thought about it, but wonder if BF will move again, and then we'll be back to square one.
To make us feel secure again, it;d have to be a significant move. Right away and start again.


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## TraceyH (Apr 14, 2004)

Ever

I would definitely contact the post adoption team for their advice.  

Hopefully the BF will move on again soon.  

Tracey x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Ever

Sorry you are feeling the way you are.

I would contact SS like everyone else has said and see what advice they can give.

Sending you a hug   instead of the waffle I had just written!!! (repeating everything that has already been said!!)

Love
Andrea
x


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Ever,

Pooh bears BF do not live that far away and oi do think about it when we go to a large shopping mall which they could also go to. He has the same name, we did meet BM and so i am sure she would know us, but i feel OK about it and just hope it will be ok if and when it ever happens.

Sending you a big hug.

PBMx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi everyone!
Just an update,
I rang and spoke with someone from post adoption yesterday. The poor woman was on the phone listening to me being anxious and on the verge of tears for almost an hour!!
But, she was a brilliant listener and did reassure me, as much as anyone can.  I know I can blow things up into something completely not logical, but sometimes, a real insecurity can make us feel a bit over the top sometimes can't it?
And then, to top it all my next door neighbours have put their house up for sale, and my mind's going wild about who might buy it!! And then last night, I dreamt about bumping into them face to face!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Oh well, must crack on with my life, after all only a few days left before the school holidays start and all chaos breaks loose in my house!!   Please let us have at least some sunny days!!

I'll keep you all updated if anything should happen

x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hope you don't bump into them or if you do you spot them first and have enough time to get away.

DSs BM asked that if we see her around we don't approach her, as if we would??!!, but if she saw us and wanted to say hello she would.  The only place she'd see us is in the city near us hence our decision not to go there, or at least not with DS.

Am hoping for the good weather to!

Love
OT x


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