# Feeling guilty for saying I have preference for a girl



## dreamweaver (Oct 17, 2005)

Hello again peeps.

OUr sw has today asked us if we have preference for a boy or a girl.  DH has no pref. but I said as we may only end up adopting one I would feel really sad if I didn't have a girl, though also I would feel sad if we didn't have a boy (hence why why originally said we would like one of each).  But on the balance of things I said that as we have a choice, I would like to go for a girl if we only end up having one child, as I feel we would be able to develop more common interests, eg arts & crafts, music, nature walks, more quieter, 'bookish' activities that both and DH tend to have a preference for.  I know you can't generalise too much, and that there are girls out there who are very energetic and who like say footie (and I liked those things too as a child), and boys who really like art, music & cooking, but from my general observations in nursery & school etc, it is often the boys who are very active, running around, play fighting, shouting, and generally being roudy and sometimes a little destructive.  I don't mean to sound anti-boy/male and do so hope I am not offending anyone who has & truly loves their little boys, as I'm sure many of you do.  

Sw was saying 'boys can be more straight forward', 'what if there was a little boy out there who would just fit really well into your family', 'some little girls aren't into girlies things', 'you will really be restricting your choice as lots of people are asking for litle girls and we have a lot more boys', but it just made me feel a little manipulated and made me want to dig my heels in further.  Now after several hours reflecting, I am wondering if I am being too picky/stubborn.  Though my heart still tells me for some reason that I see us more with a girl as DH defo has more feminine energy in many respects and hates things like footie etc (though he does like motor racing!).  And also I am thinking that I feel I would get on with a girl better at all ages, including teenage years, having taught in a girls high school and a comp, I much prefered the girls!  

If sw comes to observe French Club, she will see that there are no boys there as this term it is just girls - I have had one or 2 boys in the past, but the girls have far outnumbered them and usually it is their mums who 'want' them to do it.  Also when I ran recorder club there was only one boy and 6 girls wanting to do it.  

I know it's going to get harder to make choice about certain issues/conditions about what we feel we could or couldn't deel with etc. so in some ways feel we should just not make a decision over gender. I know also that at the end of the day it should be able the children and their needs, but I do feel that in order to maintain a good relationship with ones children into adulthood, it is helpful to at least try to develop some common interest sometimes just as a means/hook for communication etc.  though obviously you love you children unconditionally no matter what.

Has anyone else felt in a similar position?

Emilienne xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

ooh its a hard one..i used to take the stance that if we had been able to have a natural child we wouldnt have had a say in it, so i didnt feel i should choose with adoption either.. but having said that i said i wouldnt take 2 boys if it were a sibling group..and had we had a boy first and gone back for another i would have def 'asked' for a girl second time around. so do get where you are coming from..it just depends on the strength of your feelings..if you would be devastated to never be a mummy to a girl then perhaps you should stick to your guns. it does sound like you have given it a lot of thought and i would say all the reason you have stated are perfectly valid ones..on the other hand i sort of agree with the sw, its the 'fit' to your family that counts and that might be a 'quiet' boy so you never know.
for what its worth i have a boy and a girl and they are both as lively as eachother!!

kj x


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## Guest (Oct 8, 2009)

We have not had to go down the adoption route but I see both sides of your issue. I have a son and for some reason I felt I was carrying a boy from day one even though we never found out at our 20 week scan. I wouldn't have cared what we had but if asked I always wanted a boy. My friend was pregnant at the same time and also had a boy and she cried her eyes out on the 2nd day because she wanted a girl so much. Of course she loves her DS to bits but she is just about to have a little girl this week and now feels her family is complete. My sister has a DD and is pregnant again and would love another girl.
My son loves cars and tractors and trains, but he also loves to draw and paint with me. He loves it when I sing to him and we sit at the piano together. DP is a great cook and DS always 'helps out' making apple pies and fresh bread. The thing he can never get enough of is books - he gets so much pleasure from 'reading' on his own in his cot or sitting together in our bed in the morning. 
I think a child's sex is only a small part of their personality BUT you also have to respect your feelings about what you want. If you want a girl in your life and you feel passionate about that then you shouldn't apologise for it. I think it would be worse of you if changed your mind just to keep others happy.


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hiya

If it is something you feel very strongly about then stick to your guns, but be prepared for any questions panel may ask you  

I do agree with your sw too though, it is more about the match than the sex of the child... ask yourself - how would you feel if you were linked to a little boy who was sensitive and loved to read, paint and all the things you say you'd imagine your child doing?  Would you say no because he is a boy?  Similarly how would you feel if you were linked to a girl who was active and liked football, climbing trees etc etc would you say yes because she is a girl?

From your post I sense it is more to do with the 'type' of child you are hoping for than the sex?

My son loves to read, paint, cook, clean, hates getting dirty and LOVES the colour Pink    They're all so different  

Best of luck


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Just thought i'd throw my two penneth in.

I was adamant i wanted a girl and wouldn't consider a boy (i didn't tell my sw this) i even said if i was matched with a tiny baby boy i would say no as i needed a girl so badly  honestly no one wanted a girl more than me !! 

anyway i was matched with a 12 week old baby boy and did i say no ? NOOOOO my son is now 3 and a half and i love him more than i ever thought possible and we are going to preps again soon for a sibling and i'm really not worried this time girl or boy as long as the match is right   

i would advise you to keep an open mind and wait and see how you feel about potential matches as they come up  

pam x


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## dreamweaver (Oct 17, 2005)

Thanks everyone.  

I know it makes sense not to specify a girl.  I guess maybe it is just tapping into the loss I would feel if I were never able to have a girl.  But DH feels the same about the thought of never having a boy.  You are right though, it is more about the type of child.  I opened up the 'children who wait' mag and although he seems a bit old for us, there was a boy in there who is on the gifted & talented for art!  So much for my girl-art and boy-footie theory!  

I think the trouble is I am a bit of a stubborn so & so (as is DH also!) and I didn't really take kindly to the 'emotional blackmail' tactics used.  I feel uncomfortable about having to have a boy because there are more peopel wanting girls and they have more boys and boys are harder to place.  YOu are all right of course, it is about the match, but I think ss have to see that as the priority as much as we do!  

Oh well...onward ... till the next 'battle'.  Hopefully we will get there, wherever 'there' is in the end.  This is such a complex, emotive and stressful journey.

Thanks all so much for your understanding but also for shedding some light on all of this & helping me to take a more balanced view!  

Emilienne x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi

Well..........when we were first approved we said a slight preference for a boy........knowing dam well we really wanted a boy first time around................OUR SW knew us so well that she found our DS for us within a matter of weeks of being approved.

2nd time around we did specify a girl..the reason being we wanted a girl this time BUT also because our DS had a brother who had been adopted by another family and he said he didn't want a brother as he already had one!!!!!!! So all things taken into consideration we were approved fore a baby girl and we did not wait long for her either............I am going back nearly 12 & 8 years now.........BUT if your SW gets to know you as they should do then they will know your reasons for you saying why you want a girl............stick to your guns.

I have to agree with everyone else about the right match being for you rather than the right sex BUT that doe snot mean you won't get what you asked for.

I also agree with Keemjay that if we got pg we would accept what ever child we were lucky enough to give birth to..........BUT.......with adoption you do have a say in what would make your family complete and I feel and this is my own peronsal feeling so PLEASE do not bite my head off...............that we have not had many decisions come our way regarding us having birth children and if we can achieve and complete our family through adoption.......like I have.........then why can't we say what we would like.

YES at the end of the day we all want a fit and healthy baby as young as possible & that is what I thought I wanted..........BUT our DS was nearly 4 when placed with us so it does show that the right match for the family is out there!

Good luck an don't feel guilty

Andrea
x


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