# Massive conundrum: move on, get a puppy, adopt, DE...no money for anything



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hello lovely ladies, well here I am again    Please excuse me if this post seems really confused, it really is!

I'm at a bit of a cross roads in absolutely every way possible.  My last & final failed cycle was in June, so it's not long for me to start to move on but I know that absolutely no part of me is ready to move on yet - and more specifically move on from the experience of a pregnancy and a natural baby of our own.  

The most bizarre thing has set me off into a spin.... do we get another dog?

Such a simple question really and I would actually love one.  Up until recently, I've always had two dogs but in the back of my head is that I got my second pup to mask my desperation for a baby in a dreadful relationship.  My situation is so different now but I'm having a panic that if I get another dog it will be as a baby substitute again (not in a crazy way, my dogs are definitely spoiled but very much dogs).

We have (sort of) agreed to start adoption proceedings as soon as we can but our situation is hugely complicated.  My DH has children (nine and twelve) who stay with us every other weekend now and he is worried that he won't be able to cope with the stress of it (he struggled with our two week long cycles).  Recently though, the kids asked for a brother or sister and even suggested adoption, then the next minute there are tears because they don't want to share their Dad.  Giving them a say (which of course they will have) will not only be very stressful for them but also open wounds that have been healing for them.  On top of that, his ex will make things very difficult for us when she is consulted.  The process would be horrendous and DH's parents are unlikely to support it either because they don't think that we should have a child (bio or adopted) because of the impact on DH's children.

We also have an old house that we are renovating.  It's still a bit of a wreck and an adopted child wouldn't as yet have a room.  We are massively in debt already from our cycles and we're facing trying to get yet another loan to finish the house.

Scary stuff.  The panic that I'm having is that I know that we should finish the house (have that stress gone) and try to adopt .......  however, if we have to get another loan anyway, that could pay for a DE cycle, which I haven't given up on yet.  Trying a double donor just might save us the stress of adoption, exes, grandparents and immediate house situation worries.  I would also experience pregnancy  

I'm sorry, this is so confusing and convoluted.  I'm a bit all over the place.  I clearly haven't given up or am able to move on because all I can think of is an embryo donor cycle and those thoughts are even stopping me from moving on enough to get a gorgeous dog.

Money is an enormous issue.  We are very in debt and the thought of it makes me feel so sick.  Anything that we do is going to make this worse.  I wish that I could just move on and accept what we have, whatever we do involves so much more stress and worry and it's only really for me.  I wish that I could just move on and stop adding more worries to our life


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Molly99,

If you and your DH are willing to consider adoption, why not look at embryo adoption which involves much less bureaucracy and red tape than adopting a post-birth child (and also allows you the experience of pregnancy and birth if you are keen on that).

I would have preferred to adopt initially but for reasons similar to yours the whole process with SW was a no-go for us, hence moving to IVF which gave us our daughter by DE on the third go.  Had this not worked, or if we had known about it when first starting IVF, we would have chosen embryo adoption rather than go through stimming myself. 

It is also much cheaper than either fresh OE or DE IVF and as easy on your body as a DE cycle. 

Best wishes,

B xxx


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi Molly,

If you have always dreamed of being a mummy, then perhaps you need to find a way to becoming a mummy and make it your priority. You and hubby working as a team to make your dream come true. Take it from someone who knows, the more you put your life of hold for others, the more resentment you'll (potentially) build. I really, really struggle with anger and resentment because I did not push 'wolves' away who were controlling my life for a very long time. I used to beg my ex husband to have children and he would just ignore me, even though he said he wanted children. I put up with so much from him, waiting for him to say yes, and I gave him complete power over me. In no way, am I saying you this is your situation, this is just an example of me putting my life on hold for something/someone. 

It seems to me, in this world you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't, so you might as well do what you want. If you know what I mean? In other words, you won't please your inlaws if you have a baby, but then you probably won't please them anyway because they don't sound supportive. So might as well have the baby. Children will adapt to a new child - millions of children adapt all around the world to new children. Don't let them be used as a reason for you not to have a child.

In relation to money: We're selling on ebay at the moment to pay towards treatment. Books, phones, glasses, you name it! We've only made £179 this month but that is one less consultation to pay for and some vitamins. We'll continue until there is no clutter in the house.   Plus I am trying to spend less on shopping. Is there anything you can sell? Can you cut your bills? As lovely as another dog is, it costs money that could be spent on treatment.

I'm sorry if my email upsets you. I just don't want you to put your dreams at the bottom of the list, or give up on dreams because of inlaws, step-children (who'll grow up and fly the nest).


xxx


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## Maxi2 (Feb 27, 2014)

Hi Molly
I've been following ur posts for a while now.  U r such a lovely lady and are often there to console others on ff and I'm sure this kind and giving nature is just as much of ur 'real' life as on here. I can only  echo what deedee and bombsh3ll say.  U are clearly not in a position just to put this behind u and move on.  Again as deedee has said kids adapt, u are a person in ur own right and ur needs are just as important as everyone else's.  I know money is a real issue, but is there any way that more could be generated??  Renovating, pets etc can all wait.  This is ur priority and I pray ur dreams of having ur family become a reality xxx


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## MissMayhem (Feb 24, 2013)

Hello molly, my little doppelganger!  As always, some good advice here. How your in-laws can be so disparaging about your need to have a little baby, another grandchild for them, is beyond me. To suggest that it would impact negatively on the children is absolutely ridiculous! As deedee said, you're not going to please them, ever, by sounds of it, so just let them be and please yourself.

I'm with you on the money front; yes, it's terrifying. Is your DH sensible financially full stop or just in relation to treatment? I only ask as mine is reluctant whenever I have spoken about borrowing money for treatment but I am quite confident that if we borrowed for him to have something that he wants, he wouldn't think twice!  My money paid for the deposit on our house so I wouldn't think twice of selling up and renting a council house, I think he would be ok with that. Not something that I want to do as I love my home but is something that I am logging in the back of my mind.

I am so reluctant to advise as I am all over the place myself. Maxi and deedee are right though I think, especially around potential resentment. You've got to go with your heart and have to make the decision that is right for you. That's extremely hard in a marriage where one prioritises this above _everything_ else and the other wants it, but has a more pragmatic approach, which it sounds like both our DHs do. I need a future at least a little similar to what I know, noisy, happy, busy home life with children all around, biological, step, cousins etc. For that reason, I can't allow his reticence around this whole thing to influence me in any way. I need to be a mother. He has been a father for the past thirteen years so I know that he can't begin to imagine how strong my need is. But, either way, I can't give it up, not even for him.

It doesn't sound like you're ready to stop yet molly. My DH keeps referring me to articles where women have spent £30,000+ on treatment and have nothing at the end of it. I think he is trying to suggest that I am as as manic as this already. I can see his point as I _am_ consumed, I know, but we haven't even paid for one cycle yet and already he is pressurising me to stop it. For me, I need to have at least one OE cycle and then one DE. Then I will accept, before then, I cannot.

Being the mother of a little furry child myself the only advice I would give, if you know that your last dog was to try a patch up a hole, is maybe not to do that at the minute. As maxi said, that's more expense again. I've had to avoid a friend this week as her dog has had pups and until I know they've all got homes to go to I can't meet them as will want to bring one home, and then my furry child will well and truly have her nose put out of joint! 

Embryo adoption is a totally new thing to me! Never heard of that, is it even a possibility in the UK?

Hugs to you molly, and all you other wonderful fonts of knowledge  this place and you women are amazing, don't know what I would do without you.   to you all xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you for such kind responses lovely ladies.  Sometimes I just post here when my head is all over the place (is it ever any different   ).  To have made sense out of my ramblings is just amazing, thank you  

Bombsh3ll, that is just wonderful news about your daughter.  It is the experience of pregnancy that I crave too.  I'm not ready to give up on that yet. 

Deedee, as always you are very right.  You haven't upset me in the slightest as I really need to hear everything that you said.  I had a complete meltdown when my last cycle failed and had a counsellor through work ... this is exactly what she told me too.  She kept telling me off (quite literally, she was a bit scary!   ) for putting everyone else's needs above my own.  I'm afraid that this is still what I'm doing and I will be so resentful later on.  I do have a fear of putting myself first I think, I suffer from terrible guilt if I do.

I never thanked you for your recommendation of Serrapeptese too.  It might be a complete co-incidence but I've been struggling with tendon problems for the last few months, I literally had to walk down the stairs like a crab every morning because they were so stiff.  It's almost gone!!  I hope that it's doing good elsewhere too (aka DH's vasectomy   )

Maxi, what a wonderful thing to read.  Thank you so much for your lovely words    You're right, I don't have a penny to rub together but there are ways to prioritise what we spend on now.  DH is in full throttle to try and convert the uninhabitable rooms.  I'm not quite sure how to start the conversation with him that I want to do something different now  

MissMayhem   DH covets a new car and looks constantly for one.  I don't think that he'll get one, he's just dreaming.  Money scares us both rigid right now, I can't believe that I seriously want to add more pressure.  My money is completely tied to the house too, I put down a big deposit on it and we've spent everything else that I had in making it as livable in as possible (it's a gorgeous house but a wreck, still no hot water 5 years on   ).  DH spends his spare money on doing it up too.  Urgh, what on earth am I thinking, I am so desperate for a warm house in the winter?  God, I go around in circles of panic about this.

I am thinking of looking into Gennet in Prague.  Their success rate is amazing and it seems very cheap (just over £1000 for 2 embryos).  The thought of planning it abroad is really frightening.  Feeling a bit overwhelmed and I have absolutely no idea how to mention this to DH.  I feel like I've pushed him to his limits about adoption and he's trying to do the house up to make it possible and now I'm loading something else on him again.

I look at the 2WW boards and panic, can I really do it again.  Can I not though?

Sending you all loads of love xxxx


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi Molly,

I am glad the serrapeptase is working. I didn't notice any difference until yesterday when I realised my bladder wasn't so sore (where I have scar tissue from many cystitis infections).   I think it may be working.     Hopefully, it is also giving my arteries a good clean and any issues with my uterus will be gone. I have been taking it 4 weeks today.

Putting yourself first is very difficult but it's not a selfish thing to do. If you put your life on hold for everyone, and you miss out on your dreams, the impact to your health and your close relationship is huge. Like I said in my previous response, I feel so angry and resentful that I put so many people before me, and now I have to go through IVF. I  dread to think how I'll react if we don't succeed. 

Most importantly, you and hubby do need to be on the same team. My husband won't want a child as much as me, he already has one, but he is supporting me in my dream to become a mother, and he has agreed to any approach it takes. 

My step son, now 14 1/2, is coming to see us less and less. He has cancelled this weekend, again. This weekend arrangement impacts his social life and his ability to play on his XBox. So in two years, things are going to really change. Your eldest stepchild will be more interested in gaming, friends, girls and won't care if you have a baby/adopted child. At 12 my SS was still clingy but it  decreased slowly from 12 to 14. 

The conversation with DH will be difficult, but if you make it about you and how much you need to be a mother, he'll hopefully listen. I can't believe you don't have hot water!

Maybe you need to do that twin chimp exercise. Have you got that far yet? Pretend you have a twin, pretend you are the twin of you, and then tell you what to do.

Prague sounds like checking out.        

Good luck to you.

xxxx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

I really feel for you. Dealing with IF with the added complexities of step kids, unsupportive in laws and trying to finish your home must be exceptionally hard. 
I can only echo what the others have said , that your in laws aren't rooting for your happiness. You clearly want a child, and should not be expected to abandon your dream at the convenience of others. As the others have said. Your step kids will adapt. That's what children do. 
I wish you all the luck whatever u decide to do 
kJ 
Xxxx


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## aussiebub (Oct 14, 2013)

Hi Molly and lovely ladies,

Gennet do have wonderful success rates. I am on their cycle and graduate forum even though I cycled somewhere else and their results are fantastic. Travelling abroad may seem daunting but once you get the ball rolling it becomes less so. I hope that you find some peace with your decision. Sending hugs  
Braxma - what clinic in Russia did you use please?


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## tillyturner (Nov 10, 2014)

Hi Molly 99

Sounds like you have got some fab advice already, just wanted to say i completely understand where you are coming from (says me who recetnly picked up her 3rd rescue 'gap filling' dog!) I have done exactly the same and tried to plug the gap but to be honest it is just a plaster waiting to fall off again and as the other ladies have said the cost could be better used elsewhere!

Embryo adoption is definitely a good option and a lot cheaper, I looked into this as a possible solution as DH has some sperm issues but are hoping to use DE and his sperm. We are using a clinic in St petersburg (AVA Peter) they too have some good options and prices - might be worth a look?

Hang in there and dont forget your needs and wants its not  a bad thing to do things that you want to do as well as trying to please everybody else!

Hugs Tillyxx


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