# Thinking of dropping out of process



## Keepingpositive4more (Sep 21, 2012)

We are in the middle of home study and having serious worries about not only the type of children in our area needing adopted but the impact it will have on our birth child.

Was told today by social worker that due to alcohol and drug abuse the kids now coming through the system in our area are severe, committing suicide, diagnosed with bipolar etc. really troubling stuff. We don't think we can risk bringing these children into our lives to affect our birth child.

Think we may take a breather for a while....very upset though. We wanted to give a child a forever home and we were not being unrealistic about it, just as the stage goes on we r hearing and being told so much horrific stuff.


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Firstly, hugs!
Secondly, it's really not as bad as they are making out!! You are under no obligation to take the children from your area! Normally you sign something to say you'll only look at children in your local area for 3mths and then you go on the national register and can be linked up to children from anywhere in the country. Just because a child has a birth parent with a drug abuse problem or mental health issues doesn't mean that child necessarily will. Also remember that although most children up for adoption are not relinquished voluntarily, there are lots of reasons children need adopting and you get to say what you will and won't consider so although it would narrow down your options and maybe mean a longer wait time, you are perfectly able to say you wouldn't accept a child from a parent with mental health issues for example.

Whatever decision you make is entirely your own choice but it sounds like your SW has been trying to prepare you for the extreme possibilities of uncertainty that comes with any child but has unfortunately taken it a step too far.


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Totally agree with Arrows.

It is their job to tell you the worse case scenarios, but you have a ticking list during home study about what child you would consider. In our list we said we would only take children with mild learning difficulties, hearing loss, a child with sight problems, and would consider a child with mild health problems.
As Arrows has said you are only on their list for three months and if nothing has come through from your agency/La then you can go national.

When we were told of our lo she was a healthy girl and slept well.
4 weeks later we were told that the fc has been dishonest and she doesn't sleep well, she had a dairy intolerance, she was asthmatic and a slight squint in her left eye.
We still went through with our match and after many hospital visits that I had insisted on, lo does not have a squint, she is not dairy intolerant(fc was feeding her to many blueberries and grapes) and she sleeps well, she does however have asthma, but so do I. 
That is just my story,  but we were willing to take the risk with her so called illnesses as we both felt we could deal with them.
You tell your SW what kind of child you want not the other way.
Good luck,
Skyblu.xxxx


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## Hunibunni (Jan 18, 2009)

I kind of know where you are coming from. We had an extremely difficult session with our SW the other day which left DH quite upset in that when we were going through the different scenarios some of the examples given are so far removed from anything we have experienced that we thought it may be hard for us to cope especially when doing life story work. It actually helped DH when I read to him some posts on here to show we were not the only ones who found it daunting. I agree that the social workers have to give you as much information as possible but what I think they forget is that not everyone sees this side of life and can be quite shocking.  I just wish they could give you more of the positives and less of the negatives some times.

I wish you well and good luck with what ever decision you make.

Xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Your SW is going too far!  Like Arrows said it's really not that bad, and you're  under no obligation to take a child from within area.  It gets me really cross the way they play with people and scare them. >:-(  Hugs!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

could you ask to be put in touch with some adopters from your area..they will be able to show you the real deal  

In our LA just before they go to approval panel, prosective adopters are sent to the adopters under 5's toddler group..they arrive tense and terrified and leave all relaxed when they see we are all  families having a life on the normal end of the spectrum..yes there are often underlying little currents of difficulty but on the whole we are all pretty normal happy families )


kj x


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## EverHopefulmum (Sep 23, 2009)

I know it might sound odd, but i think the first few training courses and HS sessions are deliberately designed to sort "the wheat from the chaff" by testing you with scare stories....


They need to know you are totally committed & you need to be honest with them & yourself about what you can cope with. Don't be tempted to say you can cope with something, that really you can't. My SW kept saying she thought we were being "too open" about what we would accept and we altered our tick list several times before we were totally comfortable with it.....It can be hard saying you won't accept certain conditions, mental or physical.... but remember they are assessing you, but they aren't judging you. They need to understand your requirements in order to match you with the right child. You just need to be clear, especially with a birth child involved.  

I've no doubt there are many children with complex needs that need adopting, but nobody is forced to accept children with serious issues - as others have said it may mean your wait will be longer, but it would be worth waiting to get the right child whether that is in house or via a national register.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

I also think though that whilst these are extreme cases SW also have to be honest, I have to say I would not wish my son's issues on a BC, we are very open and honest about him being adopted, and have often had families with BC say to us it's something they would like to do, my advice to them is read and then read some more, go to sites like AUK, I know a lot of people find it heavy there but it us what some families are living through, it have a lot of friends who have adopted very young children, even as babies and they have a lot of the same issues as our son does who wad placed at 6 years, every child that is up for adoption had suffered some sort of trauma, even if placed with FC at birth they have still suffered loss and separation.

Good on you for being honest, I would rather potential afopters pull out than, a week, a month a year, 2 years down the line cause more trauma to an already traumatised child by their adoption breaking down and disrupting.

Please, please read what you can, talk to other adopters if you can, are there any support groups in your sera, use all the resources that you can, make sure you get this right for all your sakes. Wishing you luck with which ever way you decide to go.


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## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

If it's any help at all, I'm adopted.
I would have been classed as a very complex case in today's terms but I turned our perfectly fine with the right parents x x x


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## Zargus (Jan 9, 2012)

I found home study very difficult and there were times when I could easily have walked away.  My SW often came across as rude and I occasionally had to bite my tongue not to tell her to get out of my house!  But a couple of days after these particularly testing times I'd had time to rationally think about what was said and things didn't seem so bad and onwards we went.  I remember saying to my DH at the time that I felt that a lot of what our SW said was worst case scenario 'scare mongering' to weed out the wheat from the chaff as everhopefulmum says.  I can understand why they do it, they want to be sure you are fully committed it's a cliche but adoption isn't for everyone and the process really is a tough one.  

As has been said you get a tickbox to say what you are and are not prepared to take on and you are under no obligation to take a child from your authority, once approved you can go anywhere although your authority may have a 3-month period where you have to look at their children - mine does, but a friend from my prep group said at the start of the process that she didn't want to be bumping into any birth family whilst out doing her shopping and she was allowed to go straight into the Consortium.

Are you in contact with anyone from your prep group?  It is really helpful having people in the process who understand exactly what you are going through to talk to.


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## somedaysoon (Mar 7, 2013)

We had a similar session with our sw where we had to sort children's profiles according to what we were willing to accept, would need more information or wouldn't accept. We were given a lot of very difficult scenarios and most either had a definite diagnosis of FAS or there was a very strong chance of developing it. At the end of the day when making our final decision about this, we probably wouldn't accept a child whose mother had been drinking heavily through pregnancy. What we are doing (concurrent planning) is going to be hard enough without lots of other uncertainties.

Don't feel under any pressure to take on something like this. It is ok to be specific about what you are willing to accept. Also, if you are living in NI and haven't been matched after 6 months by your local authority/agency, your names are forwarded to ARIS (www.ni-aris.org.uk) where there is a bank of all the children in NI not just your area needing adoptive parents. You can also at this point adopt from other parts of the UK e.g. England, where there are many more children and not enough adopters. So there are plenty of options. At the end of the day the decision is yours but give yourself some time to think about it. This process is so tough and there are so many thoughts you torment yourself with.


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## Keepingpositive4more (Sep 21, 2012)

Thank you all for ur replies, I do appreciate you all taking the time to write xxx

It was the severity of the needs in our county that was causing such concern. We are from n.ireland and  We were told they frown upon adopting from England or international as they see us as a resource to use in our own area

I was made to feel very guilty for continuing as the effect it would have on our birth child would be huge.

Was also told we r the severe minority having a birth child and adopting.

We are still mulling it over and not rushing into it. But very downhearted about it all.

I do think she was giving worst possible cases- but it's the risk of us adopting a child who turns our life upside down and badly affects our birth child.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Really feel for you x
Why didn't they make these issues clear at the beginning.....
Maybe talking to other local adopters would be a good place to start?


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi 
It won't suit your LA for you to end up taking a child from another LA - they are just being honest about that. You might have to be thick skinned in order to be prepared to pursue that. But it would be such a shame for a child somewhere else in the uk with less severe needs but still needing a mum and dad (and the bonus of a elder sibling) to miss out on you due to you being scared off and pulling out of the process. 

It might be worth contacting adoption uk and asking about whether they have a view on whether it's harder to adopt out of county in n Ireland v elsewhere?

Several people on these threads have had to be prepared to ruffle social worker's feathers to do what was right for their families and their future little ones -in several cases going out of county against the sw's wishes. But they are now parents to children who needed them. It's a shame the system is not more joined up.

Best of luck if you decide to proceed.

Gettina x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Don't know if this helps but our approval panel time was switched because a couple flying in from northern Ireland needed our midday slot. We got first thing in the morning instead.  Good luck whatever you decide.


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## Keepingpositive4more (Sep 21, 2012)

Thx for advice.  Think we r gonna have to stand up for ourselves a bit more.  Contacted another agency who does lots of adoptions in England and will be speaking to them again to get advice Monday.  We r so far along home study it would feel like we would be right back to the start!  

Sw due Tuesday so will talk again about our options

Its a minefield!


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