# What can I do?



## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Girls,
I really need some advice on where to go with a situation that has happened. It was Sunshine's birthday recently we had just begun our party with 10 little ones plus parents who all know our situation. One of my friends suddenly said "I saw the piece you put in the paper for Sunshine's birthday" to which I said "We didn't put anything in the paper"! she said "Oh it was her name and a photo"! At which point I went sick and said what was the name? By time she had said the middle name and part of the sir name I of course knew for sure it was my daughter with her unusual spelling signed Mummy and Daddy! I have now got a copy of it with a photo that my friend recognised her from (She didn't know my last name so had no reason at all to suspect we, her parents didn't put the notice in. What can I do I feel like stopping all contact I am so angry I can't begin to put it into words. Where do I stand legally? There must be something I can do we are legally and in every way her parents and have been for 2 years how dare he. The day after he put her initials in the paper on another notice about someone else. He could potentially do this every year and I have no power at all, this was a photo of my daughter in the paper!!! Then I had to continue with a house full of children running round and i just wanted to sit and cry!
Any help or experience of this would be really helpful
Thanks everyone JD x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi JD,

was it a photo they had taken of her from a recent contact session? how awful!

If it were me i would seriously consider withdrawing from contact. Youre not legally obliged to do it, or at least threaten to do so unless they promise not to anything of the sort again.

hope it sorts itself out soon,
xxruthie


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

hi JD

firstly   

i'm not a parent (yet) but if i were you i would contact your SW and let them know what has happened. I would probably also consider carefully the letterbox/face-to-face contact that you have.

maybe SS could talk to birth parents and you can reduce to letterbox only for the time being - no face-to-face contact or photos. birth family must have known what they were doing was wrong and there are consequences   

i'm assuming they used her birth surname? it takes the pi$$ really   



ritz


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Thanks Ruthie,
Yes I think it was a photo from a contact visit not recent of course as she has been with us for 2 years but it's clearly her and with the added unusual spelling there is no question at all who it is. We do send a yearly photo to other people who have no contact with him but I am now wondering if that should continue. Also this week we have been told that several other cards and tokens have arrived for her from people who have never been on the contact agreement! they are being sent back and the people involved are being told not to do it again !
JD x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Oh yes Ritzi you got that right birth name, middle name and last name then signed Mummy and Daddy! I find it utterly selfish that he would do this to her!
x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi 

Jill- massive hugs hun

I know that my LA asked that we dont do birthday things for our 2 on the TV as if anyone within birth family saw its sort of rubbing salt in the wounds! however they had just jd a situation the same as yours and i think the birth parents were spoken to about it

I would get in touch with your LA and speak to either your SW or the birth family support SW and state that this is not on and that via a friend you had to find this out, Like Ruthiebabe says you are not forced to do your letter box contact its an act of goodwill to maintain it, do you send upto date pics with your contact letters? if so maybe you could send a pic from this yr in next yrs letter (this is something we are thinking about as our letterbox doesnt require a pic however out of goodwill we MAY send a pic from now in next yrs letter )

Feel free to pm me if i can be anymore help

xx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Thanks MJ, the person who has done this doesn't get a photo at all it's another section of the bf and they don't have contact with him that was the only reason we agreed to a photo. I thought After Adoption would be my first port of call, she is currently dealing with all these extra cards and tokens that arrived recently. It's just occured to me that he probably did the same thing last year but we didn't get to find out about it!
JD x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi JD

Thats really terrible, what a bl**dy cheek he has!  I would definately stop sending photos to anyone to safe guard Sunshines identity and safety.  Post Adoption Support should be the ones to help you on this matter.

We are not sending photos with the full backing of our SW due to the sensitive story behind ds.  

Love
OT x


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

I am shocked and horrified on your behalf. It has never dawned on me until now that BPs might put something in the papers or on tv for Bubbles on her birthday. I can't begin to think how you must be feeling. 

We don't have contact at all with BPs so they don't have any photos but, as we retained her 'very slightly unusual' middle name it would still be identifiable if there was a notice with her first names and dob.

I am not sure what you do other than to make it *very* clear to sw and post adoption support that you are not happy about this and that it is not past of the agreed contact nor is it wished. Perhaps they are trying to find where you live? Maybe they are trying to find out where you are living by putting it in local papers so be careful that you aren't disclosing any more than you need by identifying which paper your friend found it in. Also ask the sw to tell BPs that a family friend saw it in 'their' local paper.

Magenta x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Thanks Magenta,
I have had no joy contacting After adoption today but have left a message for them to contact me. A really good point about where we live that particular point hadn't struck me. There are so many thoughts wizzing round my head about the motive behind it, is it to undermine us and lay claim on "his child"? It does seem like a really sneaky public way of getting an extra and very public contact in. I could go on but I will get myself all upset again. hopefully things will start rolling tomorrow if I can speak to someone.
Thanks again 

JD x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Aww Jill. I feel so much for you right now.

I'd feel the very same way if it ever happened to us. I actually thought something similar might happen for my DD's birthday recently, but thankfully it didn't. It;s so terrible.  

My first point of call would be SS. The level of contact needs to be re-evalued. We had a problem last year getting far more than we'd agreed to on DD's birthday. I was fuming and got onto SS. I think sometimes SS can be more for the birthfamily than us adopters, but I pointed out that it wasn't what we'd agreed to, and if they can't stick to the agreement, why should we?? SS actually sent me a letter reiterating what the original agreement had been for contact, and that it had to be kept to. The same letter went out to the birthfamily.

This public way though, is terrible for you, but also for Sunshine when she's older and realises.
For all of us, the majority of people around us, know we adopted our children, but there are always others in our lives, that don't know and what's more don't need to know. So why should some twisted idiot be allowed to publicly "out" your child as being adopted??   It should never be allowed to happen.
Someone needs to stop them.


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## Lady Lucy (Sep 28, 2005)

Jill I can understand how worrying this is for you.  From a very different point of view to Ever (please no-one shout at me!) maybe many many years later your dd will appreciate it having been done and knowing she is still thought of despite the inappropriate method of doing so.  As an adopter however I would also be outraged.  This raises an interesting point that I was discussing with another adopter recently, if you do send photos with letterbox then you can no longer control how and where they are used, we were discussing maybe insert them within the letter, someone could still cut them out but they would be too grainy for that kind of purpose.  Also has anyone had any feedback from s/w's on whats acceptable as a letterbox photo, ie how far away can they feasibly be?  I was thinking a good hat might also be called for to disguise hairstyle.  Like Magenta I also wondered if it was a bid to find out where in the region she is.  Contact does remain voluntary but on behalf of our children, despite it being in the court orders it is only there as a recommendation despite what s/w's do tell you.  I have had a disagreement recently with s/w's over this.


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Thanks Ever, After Adoption have already contacted some BF members clarifying what the contact is supposed to be. As for the photo in the paper etc Another thought occured to me that Sunshine would recognise herself if she saw it now! she loves seeing photos of herself as a baby! I couldn't agree more for Sunshine to be as you say publicly outed is just disgusting! 
LittleChick, I am afraid I don't agree with your point of view at all this is in every way unacceptable and I will fight with every fibre of my being to protect my childs privacy. It is a purely selfish act and undermines us as her parents completely. Sorry to be so blunt about it but as you can imagine I am extremely angry and upset about it all.
JD x


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

JD

just wanted to send an extra hug   glad after adoption have been some help  

ritz


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Thanks Ritzi it's the extra contact stuff they have helped with, I haven't managed to speak to anyone yet about the paper thing!
Thanks for the extra hug!
JD x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Jill - just seen this post...............I'm gob smacked to say the least & you are doing the right thing by contacting the after adoption people, I hope you have/had some success with this.

i am so fortunate that I don't do contact and maybe you suggest that you will know longer do contact if this is what is going to happen.

sending you a hug...........another to go with all the others you have received!!   

love
Andrea
x


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## ShazJohn (Jul 29, 2008)

JD,

I am so sorry you and your family are having to go through this.  

To go on more about the pic in the letter box contact is there any way you could put the pic as a watermark on the page?  That way they will still be able to see it but all the wording would be over it.

Just a thought.

ShazJohn x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Good to hear from you Andrea and you ShazJohn, I may look into your photo idea. So Andrea you don't do any contact? Is that unusual I got the impression that most of us did some on whatever level. 
JD x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi Jill

I don't do any contact letters any more for DS BM......she requested for them to stop!!

With DD we had to do one letter once a year for the BPS, this we have done up until about 2 years ago now when they suddenly moved and did not inform SS..............SS left it up to us to decide as to what contact we wanted to do, as in did we want to continue with a letter and they would store it or just forget it all together.

I did struggle for a while as to what to do over that & in the end we made the decision to not do a letter and send it to SS just to collect dust but do a copy & keep it on records just in case they did ever get back in contact.

Andrea
x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi,
I spoke to After adoption today and they were fantastic, so supportive! They couldn't believe what they were hearing and thought it was appalling, they said all the things I wanted to hear. The top person from SS's is being brought in and then decisions will be made as to what is the best plan of action. I had the chance to say everything I wanted to which was good. I am now going into see them with a total of 3 things that have been in the paper either about or mentioning my daughter. I am also going to search out a copy of the paper from her birthday last year to see if he did the same thing then, obviously it wasn't something I was looking out for at the time. So the wheels are moving and we will see what sort of action they suggest. 
Thank you all for your lovely supportive comments and suggestions, they really have been much appreciated.
Love JD x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Dear Jill

I'm glad you've had the help and support you so deserve, I hope it gets sorted for you & YOUR DD!

Love
Andrea
x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Jill, only just seen this and I'm horrified, how terrible to have your DD's birthday spoilt for you in such a way.  BF should know better than to break the agreement like that but I suppose if they had any brains they probably wouldn't have lost Sunshine in the first place!

I'm glad the After Adoption support are giving you the help you need.  Let's hope they can sort them out quickly and put them in their place.  

Hope you are feeling better.

love
Cindy


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## TraceyH (Apr 14, 2004)

Jill

I am so pleased that you have got support from the Post Adoption Team.  It is shocking what the BF has done.  Hopefully you will be able to sort the problem out and enjoy Sunshine's next birthday.  Personally I would be inclined to stop all photos.  We have a photo agreement with the letterbox but our little one was adopted out of county but I suppose your situation is a warning for all of us.

Tracey x


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Jill, so sorry to hear of this.  Our LA and surrounding LAs don't allow photos to be sent and I'm glad now, having heard what happened to you    What a horrible shock for you on what was a lovely day, celebrating your dd's birthday.  Sounds like you are getting lots of support which is great and that bf is going to get a kick up the     He lost his claim to your child a long time ago and he should have thought about the possible repercussions for your dd in her new and settled life, but like someone else said on here, if he had thought about his actions before he did anything then he presumably wouldn't have lost sunshine in the first place.  Huge   to you


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Just wanted to sendyou a hug

PBMxx


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