# The Last Step



## bikerboo (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi ladies,

I hope I am in the right place, and while I don't want it to seem like it's a last resort for me to be here, I really do appreciate any advice that can be given.

I have been on these boards and similar ones for the last few years now. It's like a process, you start ttc and are all excited, a few months pass and you think...um..that's odd why are we not getting pregnant, then others start telling you to hurry up...times a ticking, your sisters had two now, the neighbour is back from honeymoon and pregnant, your dhs buddy announces there first arrival on thier first wedding anniversary....bla bla bla you get the pic.

Step 1
So, I go online, join a ttc board, ask around, get advice, go to doc, have the tests, move onto the ttc 12months + boards, get more advice and more tests, take clomid for 8 months and join the treatment boards, realise all the previous tests weren't interpreted right, have a breakdown...niiiice  .

Step 2
Pull myself together, join the ttc 2yrs+ boards, reaslise that's as long as the ttc boards go, as most get successful bfp and move on. Fish around the IVF rooms and clinics, it dawns on us we can't afford any treatment. Leave all the boards, and sulk.  

Step 3
More tests, change diet, take herbs, vitamins, supplements, get accupunture, exploratory surgery, do the deed everyday, every other day, legs up, legs down, upside down inside out, not one whiff of a bfp. And realise you just spent the equivalent of a round of IUI, on conplementary therapies.

Step 4
Four years later I poke around the Fostering boards, thinking it's for us, but realising it's not. while having to justify to others why I wouldn't like to do it, as I'm obviously selfish for not wanting to help kids if I have the opportunity...

Adoption.....temporarily forgot we're broke and it costs way too much to adopt in any form, domestic of foreign, as afterall, you are essentially "buying a child"....straight from my friends mouth!

Hubby continues to bury his head in a bottle of denial/beer as to any improvements he can make, it takes him a year to have an op that is proven to help his low morphology. He's happy to still plod along with the ''it'll happen eventually'' theory. In the meantime, life continues to 34 for me.

Last but not least, I started getting dogs and now have 3, seriously if I don't have kids I'm gonna end up running a pound.

So here I am, wanting to forget it all but not knowing how to give up my basic evulotionary and primal instinct to reproduce, feed, nuture, teach, love and care for a family.

I no longer want to talk to others who have even one child as they are still not going to understand what it's like to be childless, to get your reminder once a month like a punch in the gut that you are hormonally challenged, barren(as one gynae put it, thought I was in 1900s when I woke from lap and dye and heard that one).Being looked on sympathetically when I prattle on about what silly thing the dog did, just to be talked over by the mothers in the group who have 'real problems'.

I don't know who i've become but I know I don't want to be old, bitter, twisted and cynical all because I couldn't have kids. 

Apologies for such a monumental moan, I just had hoped to be one of the ones plastering ******** with baby pics after 5 years of marraige and ttc, not dogs and nephews.  

And, so, the last and final step, Step 5, acceptance and moving on.....easier said than done.


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Bikerboo,

Didn't want to read and run. Just wanted to give you a hug   . I can relate to all your stages, except the tx one, as we've never had the money to try. But yes, all that business of trying to conceive, endlessly, lying there with your legs in the air, trying to live off veggies and fruit juice, buying endless herbal supplements and then spending hours in agonised sobs because the damn period's turned up anyway, yes, been there, done that, so many times! When the period's been a bit late, it's worse. I've even ended up looking at prams in the Argos catalogue!  
I've given up reading the parenting part of this forum and I actually wish it wasn't on here. I avoid parents' sites like the plague most of the time but as we've got one on this forum, I can't always resist looking at it and this isn't a good thing for me. All these people moaning about their toddlers' behaviour, fighting with them, shouting at them, trying to force them to eat, expecting them to be perfect, it just makes me fume! I would love to have a two year old or a four year old, naughty or not! And no little child can be good all the time, it's not possible, the brain's not developed enough. It really is as simple as that. Those frontal lobes take a long time to form. But if you are too severe before they're developed, the damage caused can last a lifetime. 
As for your step 4, I couldn't foster because you have to return the child to the same dysfunctional family that caused the problems in the first place. We've tried adoption and been rejected three times and no, there's nothing wrong with us, we don't have criminal records or a history of drug use, etc, etc. We don't even smoke. 
We have cats. You can't baby them and actually, I'm glad about that but we can't get any more because one of them has an illness she would pass on to any kittens. This might be a good thing as otherwise I'd have about ten cats by now! I joke about opening a cats' home but actually, it would be a very real possibility!
I don't go on ********. I'm good at torturing myself but not that good!
You can see where we are from my post on the other thread. I've made the leap away from expecting to use my own eggs, even from expecting to carry a child, as I have various health issues but though other options exist, we don't have the money to explore them. But acceptance? No, never. I am not accepting a life without children and no, I won't settle for babysitting occasionally! So yes, I know exactly how you feel!
Look after yourself.

Rowanxxx


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

Bikerboo  
I think you put it all really well. The absolute grind of it all & the rollercoaster of hope. 
Am desperate to get a dog as child substitute, and cos I love dogs but stepdaughter not keen - bugger! Will win her round.
There's loads of advice on these boards, a key message are give yourself time, people get through this in different ways but for all of us it takes time.

I've just been reading a book by rachel black & louise Scull called Beyond Childlessness; which interviewed all sorts of women about the different things involved in the pain of infertility & how to manage. It's making me cry buckets but better out than in, makes me feel less alone.
Use these boards, I hope it makes you feel less alone. 

I also can't bear the other boards now and can't bear it if others come on this board still seeking to have a child - it needs to be a safe place for those of us not doing any other things to have children.The book is really good for this as it sets out at the start that there are so many other books about tx, adoption etc and they;ve written something for the rest of us.  

I am still working through it but one thing I am glad about is never having to go back to that bloody smug acupuncturist ever again, listen to the lectures and spend so much money on this supposed therapy that failed me 3 times! (written while enjoying a galss of wine - which she would have been horrified about - ha! Cheers!)

I also don't use ******** & when friends pressure me about it I tell them exactly why. 

Bikerboo - take care of yourself much love xx


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## vw2000 (Jun 6, 2011)

Hello Everyone,
I have been reading the ‘Moving On – Deciding and Accepting’ subjects for a few weeks now but have only just joined as a member.

You have all put into words exactly everything that I have been thinking and feeling. I wanted to pass on some of the things that have helped me in coming to terms with this traumatic experience. 

My rollercoaster of emotions included the following: in 2009 had 3 x IUIs all BFN, 2010 started ivf, became pregnant at first attempt then miscarried at 6 weeks, issue with NHS funding delayed FET, then had an ovarian cyst which further delayed treatment, finally got around to having a FET but all 4 frozen embryos did not survive the thaw.  On the day I found out that all 4 embryos did not make it, I was ready to crack up!  I had to do something.  On that exact day I booked myself into a fitness bootcamp. Sounds extreme and it was. It was the best thing I could of done. I spent a whole week venting my anger out through the exercise and by talking about it to complete strangers.  A lot of the people on the bootcamp (mainly women) were going through difficult stages in their life and the bootcamp was a way of dealing with their issues. Some were there to lose weight but mostly they were there because of emotional issues.  The instructors did bully people and were trying to ‘break’ them, but I knew they couldn’t break me because I’d already been broken.  The whole experience was so healing for me as I’d beaten the anger out of me.  

That was in October last year. I then read the book ‘Beyond Childlessness’ which was a massive help and support, just reading paragraphs that I myself could of written.  This was before I discovered this forum!  I have since then continued to really feel my feelings. This has included: talking about it to everyone. I do not know anyone personally in my situation but have talked about it to all of my family members and friends.  It has been painful for all of us but I have had loads of wonderful support. I have worn my heart on my sleeve and have received so much love in return. 

In feeling my feelings I have cried and screamed in the shower, smashed plates in the kitchen and kicked the sofa a million times.  

Working through these emotions has been traumatic but they need to be dealt with. I am a great believer in mind/body connection and it is not good to ‘store’ feelings. By really experiencing these emotions you are shining a light on them, this light will begin to ease the severity of these painful emotions. 

I have been very fortunate in having an aunt who is spiritually minded. She has encouraged me to really feel my feelings and get them out. By doing this I truly do feel so much better.  I have been working through my feelings for about eight months now and I am starting to feel like I did before I started any treatment, normal and with a sense of peace.

I hope my experience can perhaps give you all another perspective on moving on.
xxx


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## Zookeeper (Jun 3, 2011)

Hi B

Just wanted to say what a beautifully written post this is.  Definitely easier said than done - I'm doing the "what will be will be" chant at the moment and telling myself that if it never happens it was not meant to be.  

Life is so cruel at times.  I hope you get the fulfilment you deserve, one way or another.

Lots of love and hugs x


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## endosisterliz (Jun 22, 2011)

hi all just wanted to say how helpful this thread has been for me
I have just ordered this book from Amazon ad look forward to reading it 

Hope you are all okay 

Liz


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