# Heartbreak after failed FET ttc #2... Feel like no one understands.



## louboops (Mar 6, 2012)

Hi ladies

Last week got a BFN after trying a FET hoping for baby brother sister for DD, who's coming up to 2 in April.

I'm so heartbroken. Finding it difficult to face even my mum & sister, I can't stand the sympathies & platitudes. I know what they will say: you'v got Ava, you're already so lucky. We are, I know, & she's wonderful. We went through so much to get her.  Yet I seem to have foolishly convinced myself that because it worked on our first FET & we got Ava, that it would work this time too... With no heartache at all! How stupid of me, life is never that simple is it?!

Now I feel terrified of what the future holds. We've saved up enough to have another try with our last FET in June. I need to do it in the long school holiday as have found it stressful arranging time off & having to still prepare my lessons this time (oh, am a high school teacher).  If it doesn't work we gave a massive decision. Do we go for another full round of ICSI next year? That's if I can save up the cash.

I'm 37 in sept & that's making me panic. Also the fresh rounds of IVF we've had hv been unbelievably traumatic (see history).  I'm also really sick of going without stuff because we are always saving up for ivf: holidays, home improvements, nice clothes etc etc. & putting my life on hold whilst we are waiting to do the treatment.

Having said that I am so desperate for another child. At first I wanted it for Ava, but reading some stuff on here hash opened my eyes to the positives of having 1 child... But this feeling of heartache & depression since the BFN has made me see how much I want a 2nd for me too. I can't give up yet even though I know it's a bumpy path ahead.

On top of that I need to lose a stone & a half by June to get to a healthy bmi to give myself max. chance of success & so I can't blame myself if it doesn't work.  Hv joined weight watchers online.


Also slightly worried that dh will be reluctant to do another full round of tx, suspect he is content with life as it is, although he had not said it in so many words.  We have a good marriage & are good team but also worrying in case this causes new friction...

Feels like am at bottom of a big mountain.  Just wondered if any other ladies out there in similar situation, or maybe been here & got through it one way or another?

X


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## angel star (Jan 21, 2011)

So much of what you have said in your post resonates with me  .

So sorry you got a BFN after FET  . I'm ttc naturally but just had my third miscarriage and to say I am devastated is an understatement.

Like you I feel truly blessed to have DS, but it doesn't take the pain away of wanting a second child, a sibling for the one we have. I even had someone say to me yesterday that I should put all this behind me and get on with my life and accept my lot so to say but it's not that easy and I am well aware that one day I may have to anyway. I try so hard to think positively about having an only child, but it never ever works for long.

I am 37 too in July and that terrifies me. Another year older, another year less fertile and it is only going to get worse. I feel I am watching a sand timer gradually empty and I am racing against it.

I have been doing weight watchers since the end of june last year and have just lost my 3 stone. You can do it. It took me about 15 weeks to lose a stone and a half, but if you can lose 2lb a week it will only take you 10 weeks. Good luck with that - join us on the weight loss thread if you want. 

Really hoping your next FET is successful. xx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi loobie & angel, so sorry to hear of your losses...

I too am panicking about age i am 38 in april and my DS Will be 5 in may so the gap between any potential sibling just widens...

Isnt it just great when people remind us 'we are lucky to have one' ..? Come on tell us something we dont know!!!!! But now we cannot run away from babies, they are everywhere when you have a child it just reinforces our 'infertility' and feelings of failure all over again putting us back to square one again ...

I dont have any answers its all so c**p but i do understand ...

Other people not getting it and trying to trivialise our loss because we finally managed to have one child has to be one of the hardest things to take in all this..

My thoughts are with you
All my love xxx


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## louboops (Mar 6, 2012)

Couldn't go to sleep without saying a big thank you for your replies!  It does help to know I'm not alone in feeling how I do. I'm ending the day in a more positive frame of mind than I started it in,so thank you to both of you.

Congrats on amazing weight loss angel, you hv inspired me to go for it.  Gutted to hear about your m/c's. Utterly devastating. There are no words, sending hugs    


wishing you both love & luck & strength xxx


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## MillyBoo (Apr 6, 2008)

just popped on to say you are definitely not alone! We have finally given up on attempts to have a second sibling - after 4 not even a hint of BFP in a row I decided I could not keep putting us through the stress of it all. I look into immunology testing and felt that on balance with the travelling, large number of drugs and costs involved I couldn't do it. I also felt my husband, although more than happy to have another child, did not have the same level of enthusiasm and was unable to offer enough support when cycling I.e. was unwilling to drop any of his commitments to help reduce stress. I still keep looking up clinics and their prices and at this board but as I get older I know really it is not going to happen.


I just wish people would stop asking if I have other children or asking my daughter how many siblings she has. I also wish people wouldn't assume that I have chosen to have only one child. I also find it quite isolating - it is is hard to join in conversations with my friends about the children when their world now revolves around the complexities of balancing siblings. I feel that have nothing to add to the conversation. I found the worst bit was when they started school and I went home to an empty house whilst they rushed off to playdates with each other. 




On the plus side I think there are many benefits to having one child and I should be less bothered by what other people think (a general rule I should implement!). I am also constantly amazed by how brilliant my daughter must be to have managed to have grown in my clearly baby unfriendly body!


hugs to you all 


Milly xx


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## sunnythoughts (Oct 7, 2010)

Hi Louboops,

I also want to say that you are not alone. I have a DS who is 7 months conceived on the 7th IVF attempt. I would love another baby. But like you am I scared of what the future holds and how we are going to manage to conceive again. I have never been pregnant naturally so a natural miracle seems unlikely. I am about to start the TTC number 2 but am desperately waiting for my periods to come back (I've had to reduce the breastfeeding even though it has broken my heart to and I feel resentful for that).

MillyBoo, just wanted to say that I understand what you are saying as I already feel isolated with one. I know that we just are facing an uphill battle to get another (after the 7 IVF's and 3 mc's). It's just so so hard. I hate my body sometimes. I'm so fed up because there is still no sign of a period despite the reduction in breastfeeding, thats how rubbish my body is.


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## sabah m (Jul 11, 2008)

hello ladies....I could have written that original post, I probably have something similar written sept 2010 somewhere.  That was after a failed FET cycle and failed fresh cycle, I bled after 7 days, didn't even get to test....put on 2 stone in weight very quickly due to depression, was ageing, about to start final FET ( we both had agreed last try as out of money and could not put life on hold anymore), at age almost 38 joined weight watchers (again) and lost a stone and a half to get BMI down to 30.....then DH refused to sign consent for tx!!!!!!!!! Said I was too controlling and wanted to leave......8 months of marriage counselling later we finally rejoined route to FET united......I tested positive after 7 days, baby (ies!) due 3 days before my 39th birthday......miracles do happen.  Have faith, pray, the things we cannot imagine happening happen.  DS is driving me mad not taking a nap this afternoon, I am so tired but I am finally here, when this was seriously our last chance.  Love to you all ladies xxxxxxx


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