# New single here, scared, worried and hoping this is the right decision!



## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Hello all, 
I found out about this site by following something from Channel 4 and am thrilled to find out it exists. Almost a year ago I had an adoption fall through before placement which was devastating, I'd always wanted to adopt but don't feel I can put myself through that again, or at least not for some time. I ruled out donor insemination, if I'm honest, because I wasn't sure it was the right decision for me. I'd supported a good friend through it, who sadly lost 2 babies (miscarriage) she's since completed an overseas adoption and is a mum to a lovely little girl. I think seeing what she went through made me think all the more that I would adopt. However, right now seeing the prejudice against singles and the hurt I've decided to look at whether it may be possible to have donor insemination. 

I feel quite scared about the whole thing. I remember when I was at a dinner party a fertility specialist was there and she said awful things about single women and how she'd never treat them at her clinic. Oddly enough she had a failed relationship and herself is a single mum although not through choice. I have so many questions in my head that I hope no one would mind if I ask?
Are clinics accepting of single women? Did you find your GP's, Health Visitors, Midwives accepting, did you tell them how you had conceived?

Also, I was wondering if anyone out there is Church going and what the Churches or Priest's reaction was? Did you tell them etc?

I think it will probably be a year or so before I begin, I would like to transfer back to a bigger city (I was transfered to a rural area 6 months ago) for better access to support groups, Dr's etc, so I need to chose which city to be transfered to first, and of course I'd like to get rid of 2 stone  

Does anyone know if there are any support groups or meetings for singles? When I was adopting every event I went to was couples, I'd really love support from other singles.

Also does anyone have experience with PCOS? I was diagnosed a little while ago although it doesn't seem to be too bad as I don't have all the symptoms.

Sorry my post was so long, didn't realise I had so much to say


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Hi Bluebell!

Welcome hun, you are most definately in the right place!  You'll soon get to know us all and before you know it you've got a whole heap of support and new friends who can help you through - the ladies here are the best!  We're all at different stages, like you i'm not quite ready to start treatment but I am definately preparing, organising tests etc!

I am so sorry to hear about your adoption journey, must have been an awful time for you  

I'll pop back later try to answer some of your questions ... I need to get dinner going before I hang out here all night   
This place is addictive!

Glad you found us, look forward to chatting more, ask all the questions you want there's so much to think about.  

Take care
Jovi x


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## kylecat (Oct 18, 2007)

Hi bluebell - welcome to the site! As jovigirl says you will find lots of support on here. I suppose even though we are part of the fertility friends website, we have formed a separate singles group so we can give each other advice and support. A lot of fertility websites are aimed quite understandably at couples having problems conceiving, so it's nice to have a little area of our own. We have met up once - couple of weeks ago in London and it was great to meet each other and learn about each other's journeys. We are meeting up again in May, hopefully somewhere in the midlands and you are more than welcome to join us!

I have found most people so far very supportive of me in my journey to become a single mum. My GP was a bit funny about doing the blood tests but only because it was going to cost them money! However, the people at the clinic where I am having my treatment are lovely - they treat me exactly the same as if I were part of a couple. My friends, family and people at work have been amazingly supportive and positive. Ignore people like the fertility 'expert' you met - they are extremely bigoted and narrow minded. I have met most of the girls on this thread and they are all lovely. Any child bought up by any of us will have a loving and caring mum who has thought long and hard about the choice she has made. Two of the ladies here on the thread have babies already - we met them in London and they are gorgeous and very happy!!

I'm afriad I can't help you with views from the church as I'm not a regular church goer - however some of the other girls may know a little more about that.

Hope that helps you a little!

Lots of luck katiex


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Hi welcome to the thread, and you decision making. There is one single lady on the thread that has also been through the adoption process.

re: clinics refusing to treat single women, the law is changing and won't be able to discriminatate but the availability of donor sperm is a huge deciding factor.  Where abouts are you in the country?  there are some clinics that are single women and lesbian friendly.  I have not had a baby yet, but my GP and other HCP's have been fine. 

Best of luck
L x
We have just had a single girls FF meet, there were 17 of us and 2 babes! It was fantastic.

My single friend has just been approved for adoption, on her study course the majoroty were single women but we are in central London,so thinkgs may be different.

I can't help with PCOS but there are specific threads on FF for PCOS.


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hi Bluebell

I also had an adoption break down before placement. I'm so sorry that you have also been through that heartbreak. I suspect there are quite a few of out there - but would never really be able to find out about each other. I don't think adoption break downs make particulalry good marketing stats. Sadly I too was subject too lots of prejudice in the adoption process.

Can I ask which channel 4 program it was we were on?

Welcome and I hope you find it helpful and friendly here

Emma xxx


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hi Bluebell and Welcome

You've come to a great place for advice and support.
I used to be a regular church goer and still have friends that attend the local baptist church, when I told them they were really supportive and were glad that I was trying to become a mum - not sure what a priests view would be though.
My Mum is a lay preacher and again she has no problems with it - but she may be a bit biased  

My Gp and practice nurse are both supportive - infact haven't had anyone with anything negative to say and have told quite a few people.

Roo xx


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## LoisLane (Apr 26, 2007)

Hi Bluebelle

Welcome to FF and best of luck with your journey.

The London Womens Clinic have a donor sperm bank and they are more than happy to treat single ladies.

Louj x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Bluebelle, 

Welcome! As the other girls have said, you've come to the right place....we're all at different stages of the process from just thinking about it to already being a mum and I'm sure you'll get lots of support here so feel free ask lots of questions or just have a bit of a ramble if it helps....

I'm at London Womens Clinic and have had no problems at all with being single - they treat lots of single women. Bridge in London is also well known for treating singles. The clinic closest to me (I'm in Surrey/Hampshire) does not treat single women at the moment which is a shame for me as it means I have to travel up to London for the treatment which can be stressful. But at the same time, I feel very comfortable going to a clinic which has such a high proportion of single women as patients.

My GP has also been fantastically supportive (although I did avoid seeing the older male GPs at the practice and opted for a younger female GP who I thought would be more likely to empathise...which she did) 
I have told many of my friends and family (I'm not very good at keeping things quiet  ) and they have pretty much all been great. Only one couple said they thought it was selfish for single women to have a child on their own. But as Katie rightly points out, we single mums are the ones who have thought this through very carefully indeed and as such are perhaps even more likely to provide the child with a loving and caring home environment (OK, so it may not be the traditional two parent one - but these days how common is that anymore anyway?) 
Of course it would be great if everyone was positive and encouraging, but there will always be some people who don't approve for whatever reason. I just try to focus on what's right for me and don't let other peoples narrow mindedness or negativity get to me. As long as I have the support of my close friends and family, that's what matters to me.

I'm not a church go-er either so I can't really comment on that I'm afraid. My sister is married to a Catholic and they are regular church go-ers, as are his parents. They know what I am doing and have been nothing but positive. Mind you, not entirely sure the Priest would be so positive but then again, surely the most important thing is that you can provide the child with a loving home - regardless how he or she was conceived?

I, like most of the other girls here I'm sure, found the whole thing quite scary at first and it took me quite some time to make the final decision to go ahead. I talked to lots of people, read some books (try Jane Mattes or Toni Morrissette) and (don't laugh!) wrote out a whole set of questions for myself which I then answered - in writing - over a period of a couple of months. I wanted to be sure I'd really thought through all the possible scenarios and was completely comfortable with my decision - from a financial, emotional and practical perspective. 

Now I don't have any doubts at all really. I'm sure this is the right thing for me to do and I'm just looking forward to getting pregnant...fingers crossed it will happen soon!

I've gone on long enough. As mentioned, we're planning our second meet up in May, so hope to see you there....
Good luck with the thought process in the meantime,

Laura
x


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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

Hi Harriet

Just wanted to say hello and to say don't be put off by what you heard from the fertility doctor.  The world has changed enormously in the past few years.

I'm the resident lawyer here on FF and as J11 says, the law is about to change so that clinics no longer have to consider the 'need of the child for a father' before offering DI treatment, which means no more discrimination against single women.  We won the vote on this in the House of Lords last week.

You should be able to get treatment pretty much anywhere these days which was certainly not the case 5 years ago (when I conceived my daughter in 2001 it was only the London Women's Clinic and the Bridge which openly treated single and lesbian women).  The change to the donor anonymity rules means there is a sperm shortage, so it's worth shopping around though to avoid waiting lists and to find a clinic you feel comfortable with.

The leading clinic for DI treatment is definitely LWC (it has the UK's largest sperm bank and as I've said one of the longest pedigrees of treating single women).  I'm a member of the team there and run a legal advice service which is free to patients (the only one of its kind) and that was set up primarily with DI patients in mind, so you really do get the Rolls Royce service there, and there's no waiting at all for donor sperm.

You might find it useful to come along to one of the London Women's Clinic Inseminar events.  They're held about once a month, are free and are in the evening at the clinic.  You can find out - with no obligation at all - about the process involved, the kinds of donors they have, and the legalities, and you can have a tour of the clinic and meet the staff.  They're really low-key friendly events, and good when you're exploring your options.  I'm speaking at one tonight actually, but if you give Stephanie at the clinic a ring she'll be able to tell you about upcoming dates.

Best of luck!

Natalie
[email protected]


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Thank you so much for all your advice and wisdom, what a great group of women. Yes I'd love to meet up with you all in May and for the info about the clinics. I had no idea that they soon will all have to support and work with single women, I wonder if this means the NHS will be able to provide services to singles?! 

Thank you again for the welcome!


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Wouldn't it be great if the NHS was obliged to offer free IVF/fertility treatment to single women. Suspect it will be a while before that happens - if ever!

From what I read on here, it's pretty difficult for couples to get any kind of funding, so I can't see things changing for us singles any time soon.

On the positive front, at least this recent change is a step in the right direction...

see you in May Bluebelle  

Laura
x


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