# Will I ever be able to let go of hope?



## Jo Macmillan

First of all I just want to say that my IF journey has been incredibly short compared to so many exceptionally brave women on here, and I am so aware that I can't begin to imagine the prolonged pain that many of you have gone through.

Very briefly, I ttc for 4 years with my ex partner (including many many IUI cycles and one cancelled IVF cycle, no response) and have been ttc with my new partner for the last 12 months. My problems are I only have 1 tube that is patent and I have very low / undetectable ovarian reserve. We don't know if my DP's sperm is ok or not - we've chosen not to know.

In the last week I've sat DP down and told him that we need to make some decisions soon about whether to consider any IF tx. His attitude so far has been very head in the clouds, and "if we chill out it will happen." Well, I know that's highly unlikey. So I made him face some facts, i.e. that if we do nothing now we may risk missing our best chance at having a baby. It's been a really difficult time and decision to reach, but the outcome is that we have both decided that we will not have any further tx. Although I wasn't with him at the time, he knows that my one IVF attempt (and subsequent discovery that I am probably perimenopausal) made me really ill, emotionally as well as physically. And neither of us want to go through that again.

I do feel we have made the right decision for us. We will not consider adoption or DE because its OUR child we want. I know that many others don't feel like this, but we do. But having made the decision, we seem to have silently agreed not to discuss it. He feels that we need to "forget all about it". But I can't. Particlularly as a couple we are friends with are expecting their first child. And i need to rant here! She seems to think the whole world revolves around her as she is pregnant. We spend quite a lot of time with them as the bloke is DP's best buddy and drinking partner, although I've never really taken to her. I feel that she deliberately gloats to me about being pg - she actually said to me yesterday morning that she realises it must be difficult for me as she's pregnant and I'm not - it was the way she said it though - with a half smile on her mouth and a twinkle in her eye. But it's ok, as she tells me that she knows how I feel as she took 3 months to get pg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DP is really understanding about how much she upsets me. He's such a darling, and agrees she needs a good slapping.  

The thing is, I don't think I'm coping well with the 'doing nothing and getting on with our lives' tactic. I work from home and I've done no work all day - I just spend hours on FF and I can't seem to think about anything else. I feel really low and tired. I've put on lots of weight recently whcih I hate, so I started running again recently,. but have still lost no weight. I worry that its because I'm menopausal.

I can't tell you how much I long for a baby. I'm really trying to imagine life as just the two of us, but i can't help feeling it will be second best, and that i will always be bitter and twisted. I HATE HATE HATE pregnant women and women with children. That's not right is it? Its not their fault I can't get pregnant.

Help. 
jo x


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## ♥Tamsin♥

Hi Jo,

Sending you some big ole ....Reading your post it sounds as though it's an ideal candidate for the 'bitter & twisted' thread!

I used to be like you, we only wanted 'our' child, but as time goes on, I find my mind wondering to adoption, now that a natural conception, looks ever the more unlikely.  We were at a Halloween themed evening at a local pub on Friday. When we arrived at around 7.30pm there were loads and I mean loads of kids in the pub, most under 5.  Some of them were quite scared by DHs costume - werewolf - (really scared one little girl who was crying, but soon comforted by her mum / when DH took his mask off!), but most were fascinated and he had lots of attention!  I was just sat there watching him and them all and thinking, God he'd make such a great Dad. At one point in the evening, a gorgeous little girl, was sat on his lap, stroking his furry chest and playing with his mask.  Another woman had earlier asked if one of the little girls that was running around was mine - *sigh*, if only!  DH and I spoke about this all, over the weekend and he agreed, what a bitter sweet time it was!  BUT, he has not been that keen on adoption, so am not sure if this kind of thing will change his mind. Guess only time will tell.

I do really empathise with your situation as regards your DP's friend / his PG partner.  I've been in this situation so many times and it is just horrid!  Sadly it's normally meant, we've just ended up drifting apart from them.  Of course it's not so easy when it's your DPs best buddy.  DHs best buddy has a child. His wife & I were PG at the same time, but sadly I went onto to m/c.  BUT her 1st child was stillborn and now she has been diagnosed with Lupus SLE, (after a m/c), so has never once rubbed my nose in it, as she is painfully aware what a miracle her son is.

Places like this, are so important, in terms of the help and support they provide, as there's no substitute for being with others, who know EXACTlLY what you are going through



Tamsin
xx


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## florie

Hi Jo

I'm sorry things are so tough at the mo...sending you lots of  

I have been in a similar situation to you.....i cannot have my own children either and despite having a failed attempt of DE IVF i totally hear where you are coming from about not having your 'own' children. It breaks my heart each and every day that there will never be a 'mini me'   but slowly i am coming to terms with it. 

Again i was in a similar situation to you, in that i was a housewife for a couple of years....it took me that long to pick myself up after my diagnosis. To be honest being at home every day made me very lonely and a bit crazy     I decided that if i wasn't going to have children i would need a positive focus in my life. So in Sept i embarked on my nursing degree....it is a massive challenge in loads of ways but i have met some great people and am learning lots of new skills. I have a lot to give, as I'm sure you do. And the best thing about being at uni us that there is a real mix of people and age ranges and not having kids just isn't an issue......i don't get asked everyday when will i be having children? which is what used to happen at work on a daily basis. 

I'm not saying you should rush out and become a nurse too but you could consider a change in career or take up an evening class or something. During my darkest days just after diagnosis i did an evening class......even though it was a real struggle to keep it up it got me out of the house and i made a good friend there. Nothing is ever going to take away the pain of not having a child of your own, it is grief that you will always carry but you can make it more bearable by focusing on other things. 

Your DP sounds lovely and very understanding which is wonderful  

As for unhelpful friends and family making comments and just generally being insensitive......there isn't anyhting you can do about it....other than scream and cry in private and develop coping techniques. I find not mentioning my situation is the best!! lol!!

Take care and feel free to PM me any time

Luv
Florie x


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## Jo Macmillan

Florie and Tamsin - thank you so much for your lovely responses - thay have really helped. 

its a bad day today, but i will come back here when I have a bit more energy.

thanks again,#jo x


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## Myownangel

Dear Jo,
You don't have to tell me how much you long for a baby - I know, because I long for one too. Not so much these days, but from time to time I do. I'm also entering perimenopause and that is just - well horrible. Your feelings are entirely natural and coming to terms with it all is not something that happens overnight. (BTW your hubby sounds like he is having a very 'male' response). This leaves you alone and trying to get your head round the prospect of no kids. At the moment your life is focused on the one thing you can't have, so my advice is to change the focus. Gradually, start to bring other things into your life - things you like doing. Perhaps arrange a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to go. Take up activities that are just for you (or you and partner) - anything that you are interested in from artistic pursuits to sports. Though they will not take away your sadness, they will be a distraction - something else to think about. This is the advice that women on these boards gave to me and it does help. You need to fill the 'baby gap' with other things. There will always be pregnant women around you (some less sensitive than others) - and that's what this board is for, so you can have a rant. But you will find in time that such encounters hurt you less and less. Give yourself time. 
Bernie xxxx


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## jq

Hi Jo,

This may sound odd, but I think you are doing just as well as anyone in this situation can do. You are talking to DH about how you feel and reaching joint decisions. (That talking leaves it all open if you neeed to change your mind.) Plus you are very aware of how you are feeling and reacting to other people rather than just feeling out of your depth and wondering what is going on. Being so self aware, communicative and open are the keys to finding your way forward. If you can keep on exploring how you are and getting support (e.g from FF) then I am sure you will get through this dificult time and move on. Hope that mak some sence!

LoL  Jq xxx


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## Jo Macmillan

Hi all, thanks for your lovely responses.

I'm starting to feel a bit better. Generally I seem to cope ok with getting on with life and not worrying about ttc, but I do have times when it all surfaces and gets to me a bit. Like on GMTV this morning, the feature on "busy mums" - complaining about having no time to themselves. God, they chose to have children. I have 4 dogs that take a lot of care and time, but I chose to have them, and adore them, and don't moan about how much time they take up. maybe not the same, but these bloody "poor me" mothers really get my goat..

Anyway, rant over (for now). Maybe we will change our minds re adoption or DE in the future, but for now I'm sick of thinking about ttc and want to get on with life. 

much love to you all,
jo x


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## Pol

Hello Jo

Well, getting away from ttc was the best decision we made ... not that it isn't hard, and not that I don't hope sometimes (was convinced I was pregnant last weekend, but sadly just bad pmt ...) but now I'm not trying it's very rare I get myself in that state, and I'm able to plan other nice things that I couldn't during treatment ... holidays abroad, hobbies and activities, even just spending money on nice clothes for work (didn't seem worth it when I was ttc).

It's a long road to being resigned to it, but I'm 100% happier than I was this time last year, so I really send you all my love for healing and learning, not to not hope at all, but to find hope in other places

Jxx


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## Jo Macmillan

Thanks Pol,

It feels such a relief, letting go of ttc doesn't it? We just got an 8 week old springer spaniel puppy so now have 4 dogs, and that keeps me busy - the puppy is just gorgeous. I'm feeling fine, except hating all the smug pregnant women / new mothers...but maybe this will fade.

much love,
jo x


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## Suzie

I have removed a post off this thread that I felt wasn't appropriate to this moving on board  I hope you all understand? I have also removed the ones after it that were making reference to the said post as it made them not make any sense if you see what I mean ?

Love
Suzie xx


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## Jo Macmillan

thanks Suzie x


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## Twinkle75

Hi Jo,

I have just read your post, having not been on this board for quite a long time now. I went through treatment and 1 course of IVF in 2006. Straight after it didn't work we decided to take a break from ttc. However, time has clearly moved on and my husband and I have chats every now and then about whether we want to try again etc. The outcome of our IVF pointed towards poor egg quality, which I know there is nothing I can do to change this.
I am increasingly aware that time is pressing on and that I am getting no younger etc and that DP & I need to make a final decision...do we try again or leave ttc for good? In a lot of ways I am ready to move on...I hated IVF, like you, was physically and emotionally unwell, and I don't know that I want to go through that again. BUT, is it worth it for the 'what if' we conceive. Again like you, I could not consider adoption or egg donation.
I'm just in a bit of a pickle and feel pressure to make a decision, and it was reassuring to read your post. I am happy for you that you are starting to move forward. I guess that's the end of my mini-rant for now!!

x


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## Jo Macmillan

Hi Twinkle,

It sounds like you are in a very similar stage as me!!! Except you are younger.

It's a really tricky decision to make isn't it? - more tx or not. We've decided no more, although I can't pretend there aren't times when I question this and wonder whether I should have tried. But on the whole we are, if not 'happy' with the decision, at least we have come to terms with it. For me it was a bit easier anyway as because of my poor response to IVF (only produced 1 egg) I don't believe tx is the way forward for us. And I think I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that it will not happen naturally.

I have a great life and I'm thankful for all I have. 

take care Twinkle, and keep in touch, whatever you decide. x


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## Yamoona

I think you are coping as best as you can and being honest with your feelings. You have been very brave in making your decision as it is not easy and now you are going through the grieving process. The feelings you are having are natural and will fade with time. I am so nearly at that stage and can't wait to get there. Like you I have had enough of being on this road and even though I am about to attempt a last ditch round of treatment using DIUI, there is a part of me that is dreading it. Dreading the cost, the endless clinic appts, emotions, outcomes and most of all my life being on hold for yet another year arrrhh. Makes me wonder why but then I know I have to do this before finally walking away otherwise I will have that 'what if' going round in my head.

4 dogs is def hard going. I only have 1 and that's enough. Sounds like you have a lovely little family already. My family consists of 2 cats, 1 dog and DH. I wish you all the best and hope you come out the other side soon. Like the others have said when you are ready start looking at taking up some hobbies and getting out the house more. Though I bet those lovely doggies will miss you xx


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## Jo Macmillan

Thanks Yamoona for your lovely post.

I do get out quite a lot these days - it's been a while since I first started this thread. I have some fab friends that we spend quite a lot of time with at the pub (!), and I go the gym, cycle, run and spend a lot of time with my woofers as you can imagine! It is a huge relief not to put my life on hold anymore - I know what you mean about that.

I do still work from home, which I hate as I feel really isolated, but I can't feasibly change my job as I would struggle to find anything to do which is as well paid as this. And I need the money as we've just moved house and taken on a large mortgage. But this is positive as it's a lovely, sunny house, and I feel much happier and upbeat here.

I can honestly say the thought of never having children now does not scare me. I can even see the advantages. We're planning on having a litter from our springle spangle puppy in a few years, so maybe that will help any broodiness!

I wish you all the luck in the world for the DIUI. It sounds like you really have been through the mill, but I can assure you there is light at the end of the tunnel. And life without children can be fab too! I know it's SO painful getting to this point, but you will, if you have to.

Lots of love and best wishes - keep in touch and let me know how the DIUI goes hon.

jo x


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## Bambam

I have removed a post from this thread as I felt it wasn't appropriate to this moving on board  

Amanda xx


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## Pol

Hello Jo!

Lovely to hear you sounding positive about life, and the new house sounds lovely   I work from home a lot of the time too, so I know how important it is to have a nice environment (and how hard it is, especially for someone like me who loves to chat!!)

Jx


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## Jo Macmillan

Hi Pol  
xx


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## Pol

Hello there 

I've been having a day off today and have got pretty much nothing done ...   Should have got myself more organised!!

Jx


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## Myownangel

Yes it's good to hear you on a positive upswing Jo!

Amanda - thanks for being hot on the thread sabotagers! Appreciate it cos this board does get hijacked from time to time.

Bernie x


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## Pol

I think it might be because people are just looking via the 'unread posts since last visits' and don't think to check which board the thread is actually posted on ...

J


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## Bambam

Myownangel said:


> Amanda - thanks for being hot on the thread sabotagers! Appreciate it cos this board does get hijacked from time to time.
> 
> Bernie x


My pleasure Bernie. Being in the same position as you guys has made me very protective over the board. None of the posters have meant any harm, have just been posting in the wrong place! Since i put the 'Please Read..' topic up things do seem to have improved   

Amanda xx


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