# How did you feel when you were going through egg donation?



## Friends fan 25

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and not quite sure how it all works!

Basically I'm at the end of our fourth failed IVF cycle and egg donation has been recommended for us. I'm not sure how I feel about it but I know it will help us have a baby. I have all these different thoughts and feelings about it and wonder if I'm the only person who thinks like this (which I'm sure I'm not!) but it feels like that sometimes.

I'm scared of not having my 'own baby'. Will it feel like my own baby? What if the baby doesn't look like my husband, will I spend the rest of my life wondering if my child looks like the egg donor?

I'd really appreciate any comments from anyone who's been in this situation and who's been through this as at the moment I'm feeling a bit confused and don't know or have anyone who's been though it to talk to.

Thanks xx


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## suitcase of dreams

Sending you some     - it is tough when you first get the news that you will/may need donor eggs


There are lots of threads here on this topic, do have a good read of the donor eggs area of the forum - you are most certainly not alone and I'm sure you will find many people who have been through the same or very similar thoughts, feelings and concerns


I would recommend some counselling - has your clinic offered this? They should do. Or get in touch with BICA (infertility Counselling Assoc) who will be able to point you in the direction of local counsellors who have experience in this area. I found it invaluable to talk to a neutral person and to explore my worries and fears before moving ahead with donor eggs.


I am single so I have used both egg and sperm donors. Sometimes I wonder where my boys' looks and personalities come from, was it the sperm donor/egg donor, which elements came from which one, but it's just idle curiosity really, they are 100% my boys and i never think of them as anything other than that.


For me personally they felt like mine from the moment I got the positive pregnancy test, and throughout the pregnancy. I never worried that I wouldn't bond with them/love them - they were growing inside me, kicking me, making me feel horrendously sick!! 


But we are all different, and all approach this in different ways. Egg donation may not be right for everyone, it's important to work through your worries and concerns before going ahead. Read about it, talk to others, contact DCN (Donor Conception Network) - this will all help you to work out what is best for you and your family


Wishing you the very best of luck, 
x


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## Friends fan 25

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I did try counselling after our IVF failures but I didn't really think it was for me, maybe now with the different circumstances I might take up the clinics offer of the counsellor.

Xx


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## suitcase of dreams

Think it's s case of finding the right counsellor - I found the clinic one pretty hopeless actually but one O found privately was much better and Really helped me find my way through 
x


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## Friends fan 25

I think you're right, I went to a standard counsellor but the clinic I've been to provides a fertility counsellor and I know that this counsellor works with a previous hospital I visited also. I've been thinking it would be good to go and see her as the sessions would be offered as part of the treatment we've paid for

Xx


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## Tamsutbadger

Hi just reading through yr post relate to all u have posted.  I have a beautiful little girl who's just 2.  I was crushed when I was told I had 2% chance of becoming pregnant with own eggs but we quickly picked ourselves up and explored donor egg route.  We found an amazing clinic in Spain and on our 3rd attempt got our little angel.

Yes like u I was scared yes scared thinking what if people say oh she doesn't look like u how will I deal with it.  Answer is I felt blessed the minute I saw that blue line on pregnancy test was overwhelming.  She looks like my husband and my sister in law and there has been times my sister in law mistaken for her mum.  All I will say is u don't think about it as I grew her in my tummy I'm her mummy and we are the luckiest mummy and daddy in the world to have her.

Suitcase is right get support from a counsellor look on ff and talk to yourself u will be fine but most of all be strong dare to dream X


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## Friends fan 25

Tamsutbadger thank you also for sharing your experience.

I have to say looking through comments everyone seems to be very positive and has good stories to share around ED which makes me feel better and more positive myself but you just don't know how you'll feel until it happens.

I have a follow up appointment soon after my last failed IVF attempt so I'm waiting to see how that goes before making any decisions.


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## Tamsutbadger

All I will say is it's a leap into the unknown it was easier 3rd attempt as I just kind of thought if it's to be will be but it just felt right we changed donors and it just worked.  It's scary won't lie to u I was so unsure lots of questions I had but I wanted to be a mummy so found the strength from somewhere to do it.  It's as much about the journey as the outcome but once u see that first scan hear the heart eating trust me u won't ever ever look back it's magical truly is. Plan to tell my little girl when she older that she was so wanted born into love.  Good luck whatever u decide X


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## Marmot

Take the time you need to think about what you want to do. One benefit of egg donation is that you are not reliant on the age of your own eggs and hearing the clock ticking. We had three Natural IVF cycles with my own eggs and when the third cycle didn't even reach embryo transfer I knew I was finished with my own eggs and didn't believe they could/would work. I couldn't go through any more cycles like that. But it took a further few months before I decided I wanted to try with donor eggs. The two decisions were separate. I had to grieve that we wouldn't have another child that was genetically mine (we already have a son conceived naturally) and how important that genetic link was to me. 

I am now 28 weeks pregnant with a donor egg conceived baby. I sometimes wonder about looks and I had a wobble when we found out it's a boy partly because if it was a daughter I knew there would be differences with our son whereas I worry a bit that with another boy I might look for differences and think it's because they are half genetic siblings. But then I think about my sister's boys and how different they are from each other in looks and temperament and they are full siblings. 

I saw the clinic counselling session as a formality but actually found it helpful as did my husband (and he is not the counselling type). We haven't gone back for another one. Maybe we might feel the need later. 

I found an American book (available on Kindle) called Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation helpful for clarifying things (although some details aren't applicable to the UK). 

I second the recommendation to look at the DCN website (we have joined and were put in touch with a 'welcomer' who was very helpful to share thoughts with too). The DCN do workshops for people considering using egg and/or sperm donors (although we didn't do this). 

Best wishes whatever you decide.


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## whatnow

Hi, my little bit for what its worth, we was always told DP was the problem but after trying IUI with no success we decided to go ICSI route, and change clinic, only to find out i have problems too, so now we are going DD route and I couldn't care less, it will be my blood, my skin and most babies I look at don't really look like either parent away, I've chosen not to tell friends and family its DD due to a bad reaction from my mother then I mentioned it in passing so to the world we are using OE, for me though it will always be 100% my baby should we get lucky and have a BFP result


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## daisyg

Hi Whatnow,

Why is it your blood and your skin?  Just wondering!!  I have DE twins who are 8 years old and the fact that they are not genetically related to me does not affect in any way my love for them and their love for me.  

When I moved to DE I did make a decision early on to be open as I am a single mum and I think couples may find it harder to think initially about being open?  I also had counselling which was provided free by my UK clinic and that helped me think about my feelings and address the issues for me.

By the time I had 6 miscarriages, I really only wanted a live baby and I didn't mind what they looked like or anything!  The clinic chose the embryos who became my children and they are amazing!  I do wish I knew a bit more about their donors though to tell them and to give them some cultural connection possibly.

I do think about their donors and wonder what they looked like, but my children are just lovely and of course are normal children.  They are donor conceived, but that is not the most important part of their lives.  It may however, be more important later (or not!).

I have been open from the start with my children, but at the moment they are not especially interested in their donors.  They do however, get upset that they don't have a dad and that is something I wasn't as well prepared for.  However, all children are different and one of the exciting things about being a parent of any child is watching them grow and develop and all the highs, lows and challenges that brings!


D xxx


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## whatnow

once they are in my body I'm the one who gives them everything they need to grow hence my blood and skin, they will feed off me and become mine completely, i understand others might not feel like that but its just how my mind works, I honestly dont care where they came from or how they get there so long as they exist and grow


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## monkey2611

Hi. I'm new to all of this as I was recently diagnosed with POF and have been recommended egg donation. I would love some advice and guidance about what to expect.

Thank you


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## RachLew

Hey, I am now starting egg donation as well. I was not sure about it and took me a long thinking process, but in the end I decided to go for it. Otherwise I might never get a child and this child, in this combination, from this egg, which would not have been used otherwise, would have never been born. So it will be my child! I think it does feel like your biological child, as it has been growing within the mother and received the nutrition from the mothers body. 
I have been at a Spanish clinic, IVF-Spain, for my first visit last week. They examined me and I started my mock cycle. I was quite impressed by their approach, it is really different there than in the UK. The approach is more personal, they took their time to examine me thoroughly and I feel they do everything possible to make me pregnant. I hope for the best!


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## Karhog

Hi, I found the actual treatment cycle far less stressful and invasive than oe. You may be put on the pill initially and then take oestrogen pills/patches, once donor is ready you will also take progesterone ( probably pessaries) this combination will continue well into bfp if successful.
You will need at least one scan to check your lining whilst on oestrogen and before donor collection so meds could be tweaked if necessary.
We went abroad and found the whole approach far more personal and professional not to mention cheaper.
Good luck!


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## Anny1970

Ladies!!! I strongly believe that it doesn`t matter whether you are genetically related to the child or not. The parent is the one who brings up the child. It doesn`t matter to the baby whether your genetic material was used or not. The most important is to give love. It is important to support your baby in any situation. One of my friends had ED program. She worried a lot the whole pregnancy. She was sure that all the people around will know that the DE was used. She showed me the photo of her donor. They were really alike. When she began to feel the movements of the child in the womb she forgot about those thoughts. Later when she gave birth to her little baby she even didn`t remember about the donor. Her daughter looks similar. They have the same eye color and hair color. Moreover the egg donation is anonymous in some countries. It makes psychologically easier to start the program. Everyone deserves happiness.


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