# feeling numb



## Tiggerz-jo (Aug 17, 2009)

Dont know what to write so this might come out as total ramblings but I feel so numb inside still and its now been a year since the last attempt at ICSI failed and my DP decided he didnt want to go through with anymore treatment. But I cant help but hope every month that a miracle might happen and every month it feels like a kick in the teeth when my period starts. I so desperatly want and long to be a mum and its never gonna happen.
I have tried hard not to despise and blame DP for the fact that we didnt have our last attempt on the NHS. Espec as we were lucky to have been given the option of 3 attempts as its so much of a postcode lottery as to the amount of treatment you are allowed. But he wouldnt back down and agree to try the last attempt, and wouldnt agree to sign the paperwork to allow us to keep the 4 frosties we had. So now even that option has gone too. 
I find everyday hard as well as even at work ( which used to be the one place I could escape from life) has become hard as I work with pregnant women and newborns so it feels as if my failings are thrown in my face at every turn.Surely after a year I shouldnt still be feeling so low and pathetic and I should be bouncing back from this by now . I try to look at the positive things in life but after a while I slip and come crashing down again.
After all I have alot to be thankful for but I just wish I could fill this gaping chasm I feel within me. I have to keep reminding myself I am worth it and I am worth alot to other people.I just wish I could truely BELIEVE it,


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi Tiggetz-jo

I didn't want to read and run  as you sound like you are struggling and its just a horrible place to be 

I'm not sure you can put any timescale on how long you should be feeling this way. Its nearly 2 years since my last (4th ICSI) failed attempt and i still struggle now! 

Many of the things you wrote hit home with me too. It was my DH that decided he didn't want to do anymore treatment(not that we could afford it as we had to pay for ours but i would have begged , borrowed etc) and there is a part of me that resents him  especially because he has a son from a previous relationship.I think its so hard not to feel resentment and anger towards them as you didn't come to the decision together so subsequently you feel more alone than you already do .
But i am trying more each day to be forgiving of that, after all he has his reasons for not wanting to continue as i'm sure your Dp does too(have you discussed this?, It may help a little) and the alternative was to leave him which i don't want to do so i figure i have to try and work through it and remember why i married him before all this heartache entered our lives 

I too try to look for the positives and i do have so much to be grateful for but this loss is massive and i'm left as i'm sure you are too ,thinking why can't i have it all like so many others  

I have just decided to look into counselling which i probably should have done sooner rather than thinking i can deal with it on my own so maybe that would be a good way forward for you too?

I hope with each day things get a little easier for you to bear. I don't know if we will ever get over it but maybe we can just learn to live and deal with it better without it impacting so much  on our daily lives.

Love and  
Sam
xxxxxxxxxxx


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## charlie_44 (Jan 9, 2009)

Just wanted to send you massive     hun xx


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through.

I'm a bit stumped at your DH's decisions to be honest, but what worried me most is you having to go through the frustration and disappointment every single cycle.

Have you thought about maybe either or both of you having the op so that you know 100% that you can't have children? I know that when you need IVF or ICSI, the doctors never say it is impossible - when in fact it is really.

It might give you a sense of control back.


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## Beanie3 (Nov 1, 2009)

Hello Tiggerz-jo & Sam1971

Wanted to send you both hugs    , I don't think the numb and empty feeling we have will ever fully leave us. My gp explained to me that we need to grieve and that it is not something we can come to terms with over night.

Tiggerz-jo Like you I keep hoping every month that may be we would get that miracle but each time Its sadly not meant to be.

I do hope the feelings you have will become a little less painfull over time


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