# Comment from partner has left me upset, need to off load.....



## mrsww (Sep 1, 2013)

So from my ticker I in comparison to some have a short ttc background, total time just coming up to one year and in that two failed IUIs.  I have struggled this year though, it seems treatment is on my mind the whole time.  

Yesterday after lots of thinking I build up the courage to tell my wife that the thought of going through IVF is really scary for me, not only the process but also the likelihood of failure.    Her reply was that is is no use doing treatment if I don't feel positive. 

We then went onto discuss a friend who two years ago went through three cycles of IUI and all failed and now she's given up, over the past two years she's had severe depression and also has being hospitalised twice because of this.  I've talked to friend and she's said how devastating it is for her now to realise she will never be a mother.  Seeing how she reacted to the failures and subsequent realisation that she will never be a mother it also really worries me if I ended up in the same boat, motherhood has being my dream all my life.  

So I told my wife that I was worried if we ended up not having children if I would recover and she said "I won't be with someone bitter and twisted".  I just feel like I can't talk to her about the process or my feelings and am starting to feel trapped.  I don't want to end up with no baby and no wife and almost think maybe not even try for a baby and just deal with no motherhood and then wife will stay.  I said if it were to happen there would be a mourning process and also the journey will have changed us.  Just need to get this all out before she wakes up as I've not slept all night as I've being going over conversation again and again to try and make sense of it all.


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## Louisej29 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi mrs w

Sorry to hear you are so down and your partner isn't being as supportive as you would like.  It's so hard as IVF does put a massive strain on friendships/relationship- and if there is one thing I have learnt is that you do need to be able to talk things through.

I've been through 6  rounds of IVF now and had 3 mc and , like you, am utterly terrified of what this will do to me if it keeps failing. I can't accept never being a mummy. I'm lucky in that my husband is amazingly supportive and I could not ask for more - I would really try and sit down with her and talk through your fears and worries.  She needs to support you if you are to embark on IVF. 

The comment she made was uncalled for. You are the one putting your body and mind through this and I'm afraid it can make you bitter! You don't need a fear of your partner leaving to add to it

Not having a baby so she will stay would just make you resentful?  I think if this is what you want you need to go for it- but really try and talk to her about your feelings. Maybe she's just scared as well. 

Sending  lots of love and luck  xx


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## KEH (Jul 22, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear how difficult the conversations have been with your partner. It's such a (cliche alert!) emotional roller coaster and having support is so vital. Yet it puts such a strain on even the most solid relationships. Are there other friends and family you can chat too? Also a counsellor at your clinic- not just about your fears but about your discussions/communications with your partner? 

It's easier said than done but we've found it helpful taking one investigation, one cycle, one appointment at a time... If I start thinking about how things might be if cycles don't work I go distract myself and try and switch off from those thoughts. 

We're at the start of all this too and have been trying to timetable in lots of nice, normal things to do together too- not necessarily posh date nights out- but just spending good time together that isn't just in clinics. 

I'm not sure if any of this advice is helpful but I also wonder if your partners fears and anxieties are coming out and her way of coping us by staying super positive; talking honestly through her deepest worries are too difficult right now, especially after the hard conversations/experiences of your friend. 

Take care


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## mrsww (Sep 1, 2013)

Thank you both for your comments and I'm glad that you both mentioned she might be scared too.  I forget that sometimes, she has her own worries and she did say she found the negatives much harder then she thought she would.  I need to remember that when she says harsh comments as I know that's not really her.  I want to be able to talk about my worries with her but she remains so positive, well she talks positive but inside I'm not so sure she's feeling the same.  I need to remember we are very different in that I like to talk around and around about worries where my wife internalises everything.  Maybe we need to system to overcome this.

I have friends I talk to but they all just brush away my worries they don't realise there is a chance that treatment won't work.  I will look into counselling again as that might be helpful.

Well she is awake now so I will give her a hug and start the morning with positivity.


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