# Exchange days



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hi all,
Thought I would ask my question here... I am a faffer and a stress head! Outwardly confident, inwardly terrified!!
Due to go to panel shortly.... Though only starting to believe we might get through it, long story and a long journey... So there is a lot of disbelief and self doubts as I write this.
We had a second sw visit as a quality assurance thing during this they used it to explain lack of children etc due to courts and we'd have a long wait etc and would we be patient. Oh yes I replied... Thinking just need to get through panel! However, we recently heard from people on our training days and they are going to exchange days. This hasn't been mentioned to us.  All things being equal and we get trough panel we will be approved by the date... Is it appropriate for us to be there or do I look impatient in asking? Am I messing with fate and the child we are meant to have?! I know it sounds crazy, just anxious about it all.  A couple were also matched with a baby baby for f2a so thibgs are happening for people... Just wonder why so full on for us?
Anyway, just thought would put it out there, thanks xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi there 
Good luck at panel. 

So there is an exchange day planned for just after you are approved?
If so then no reason not to ask if you can go. I don't think it impatient.  

Are you with LA or VA? LA might not put you in national register for 3 months. 
If it's a national register exchange day then maybe they won't encourage you to go. Although due to lack of children the LA might agree to add you to national register sooner. Ours did. 
As soon as you are approved you can check out adoption link, children who wait and be my parent of course too. 

We went to 2 exchange days, first one we found very difficult and overwhelming but the second one was better as we were more prepared. 

Very best of luck!!
GG xxxx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Surely can't hurt to ask your sw if you can go? I personally do not think a proactive approach to family finding is ever a bad thing. Who better to promote you and find your child than you? We found our son at an Exchange Day! X


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks guys.  Because we are in a small la, we are in a consortium... And can't be matched with our la child as too close..
I think it's our consortium one!
It will be a few weeks after panel I think.
Dh is wait and see, but if approved, want to get on with this.  We've wait ones 8 years... Want to find our family and bring them home x
I will go onto the the link... Have been looking at the stats... So many of us out there x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

It will happen eventually. Your consortium should be able to offer links when the right LO comes along. 
I know it is unsettling though but I think things will change again. 
Xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

How's so GG? Xx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Because it always does, but rarely in the best interests of the children, despite the rhetoric. The pendulum either swings towards removing children for fear of public blame a la Baby P (and I am not saying I blame the sws, if you saw the recent BBC documentary, it was quite shocking how Haringey SS were scapegoated when we are looking at multi agency failure) or keeping them with birth family/delaying when the Courts decide to lambast sws for ill thought out care proceedings (which, I think for the most part are motivated by fear of blame if something goes wrong and lack of resources).

The Courts have basically put a halt to the government's ill thought out plan to speed up adoption and I say ill thought out because the system needs more money, more sws, more support on place for struggling families. When these relative placements inevitably fail and the children end up back in FC, or the POs are granted but later and the children as a result become harder to place or need support for the trauma of further moves/neglect/uncertainty then the government will eventually act because all of this will cost money (FC and post adoption support costs money, pushing the adoption agenda ultimately saves money).

Ultimately, neither agenda really puts the childrens' interests first and it is basically up to those sws out there who remain dedicated in the face of all that stress. Although I know a lot of adopters feel like is is all very unfair on them, it cannot be a bad thing for the children waiting that there are more approved adopters out there and it is they, after all, that are the real victims of this mess.

Despite the fact there are more adopters out there, there are still more children waiting than approved adopters overall (although there might be disparities in some LAs) and so proactive family finding is key, I think.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

They sure are aren't they.  We so much want to love them, but they have already suffered and lost so much in order for us to love them.

Thank you for your reply.  We did watch the documentary, eye opener.... Very interesting looking at the multiagency aporoach and failings, and you can see why errors occured.  They are under huge pressures and stresses and fear is a huge factor.  When you know people won't support decisions, it makes things take longer.

I see your lo is home, and hope family life is all you hoped and more.

I know that I will be proactive... It's trying to get the balance right.  I hope our sw will do her best for us, but there is something about being involved in the process I need.  We will wait until after panel and then move forward if it is a yes.  Thanks again xx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

No worries, it is a bit of a hobby horse of mine! I am shocked sometimes by how the a wrong things are made the priority: it is all a bit of a mess. You then add into the mix people who have often already been exhausted by infertility, loss and longing and put them through the absolute ringer. I understand why adopters need to be scrutinised but I don't understand some of the thoughtlessness that goes on. We were lucky that we had not had treatment and so had not been through quite as much, our sw was very much on our side and we were quickly matched as we are in the harder to place category.

It is worth it though, we are in awe, our pixie is the best! We were very proactive in family finding and our sw was happy  for us to go for it, so it worked well.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I am with you there.  They sit in judgement re IVF.  Dammed either way, too many, too few, too private, too educated, need to be over loss of a birth child etc and so it goes on, but I don't think that longing every goes away.  As with any grief, you accept and live with it and life moves on.  We are so ready to be a family, however that looks now, and happy with our choices and decisions.  But listening to the judgement and how I am supposed to feel has made me annoyed... however, smile politely and move on!!  Can I ask what you mean by a harder to place category?

It's lovely to hear positives.

For a relatively straight forward couple, compared to others on our prep days, we have been put through our paces.  I am with you on this, we don't mind, however, others have had a very easy ride.  I know it will all be worth it, and almost there.

I have been talking with dh, and we will ask after panel and see if we can get an invite lol.... Though it says impatient... It says we want to find our child/children and we want this!


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

We are dual heritage (black/white). Black and dual heritage children are disproportionately represented in the care system so dual heritage adopters tend to be fairly inundated and dual heritage children harder to place, even the babies. One sw sought us out like a heat seeking missile at the exchange event! It meant matching was quick, but heart rending as the ones we said no to still haunt me.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Bless you.  I can only imagine.  However, lucky for your little pixie x
And who knows one day, you may even do it all again x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Yes what Barbados Girl said   
Yeah was gonna say, all happens in cycles. Things will change one day I'm sure. Then swing back the other way again! 

I don't envy the SWs at all, tough gig. 

Try to stay positive, hard I know. I had a tough time a few months ago, but then started feeling better.  
Xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks GG! dH is like worry about that after panel.... First hurdle first and all that!! Xx

Have you had an links yet XX


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Yes good to forget until after panel but easier said than done!  
Yeah just been linked with siblings. Within our LA. 
If you're after siblings you won't necessarily wait as long as fewer people will accept them.  
If it's one child then depending what age you can be linked quickly or have to wait but isn't always the case, sometimes get lucky, right place at right time  
You never know. At times it felt like it would never happen then other times I felt positive. I believe your LOs will find you when they are the right ones for you  

xxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Awesome! Can I ask how old they are?
We would love to adopt siblings x
But we will wait... They are out there I just know it...
Just panicking!! It's been a long long journey as for us all xx
I guess in all of this we don't know what is around the corner xx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Congrats on the link GG! My fingers are crossed for you.

I totally feel it, Forgetmenot, about being put through the paces!! we have a very 'robust' social worker.  

The hardest thing for me is thinking "You are criticising X, but would you remove a child from a parent just because of X?"

The answer is invariably 'no'. But the reality is, he will be representing us at panel and needs to know us inside out. And he has been privy to the decision-making of child-placing social workers so knows what they want to see. The philosophy is tough love --> better match, I suppose.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Guys

They are aged 1 and 2. One of each. Really pleased, yes really hoping all goes to plan now. 
We saw quite a few profiles for very similar aged sibling groups at exchange days so they are out there!

Indeed, a long and exhausting journey!! There is light at the end of the tunnel, just feels like a long tunnel sometimes! 

Best of luck in your search Forgetmenot, and you too HSM

xxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

GG that's amazing! Our ideal x you will have your hands full!!
Are they looking to place in January?

Hope exciting x I hope this move steadily and you will soon have your forever family x

Hand stitched. Mum x you are so right... It feels like that and I am generally philosophical as it they are doing this for the kids therefore it all must be right but frustrates me when it's not consistent!!!  Never mind almost through to the live show!!

Dh and I treating it like X factor.... We've been to boot camp, judges house... Panel is the live show!! A little joke amongst the chaos!!

Hope you get a happy end to your journey soon xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thank you, yes Jan all being well. 

Hahhahaa love the X factor comparison. Good luck at the live show!!!!


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