# Thinking about adoption



## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hello Everyone,
I have been thinking about adoption seriously for about 18mths but not at the stage yet to have an induction evening and officially applying. I have read quite a bit about it but just wanted to ask some questions if I can.
I am pretty convinced that adoption is our destiny,like I said above not quite ready to apply yet but thinking of doing so in the next 12-18mths. Dh however doesn't seem to want to talk about it yet. We are waiting on some results which I am hoping will give us some answers on whether we are going to carry on ttc or look to adopt. I am not suggestng to DH that we should go ahead now with adoption but I want to know if he is open to the idea should I decide I have had enough with battling with ttc. Every time I approach the subject he says wait to see after the results, which obviously I am but I just want an idea if he will be open to adoption but he never gives me a straight answer. I don't want to be thinking for the next few mths that adoption is a possibility if he would never consider it. I am scared that this is what he is thinking but not telling me upfront. How did your Dh's feel about adoption?
Also I have heard alot about support network, what is the criteria for this, what's essential? We live about 2.5hrs away from our parents and we don't have any friends close by, we have lived here 5years but with work and lack of funds we don't get out much to socalise, we have neighbours that we are friendly with but not close friends. Will this be seen as a major problem and will we be potentially knocked back for this?
Any info would be welcomed.


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Oh Shinning star, I know excactly what you are going through.
My dh was the same, they are men and they just need more time to get their heads around the fact that for what ever reason you are both unable to have a birth child. I t is hard enough for us with all the treatment we have to go through but men are just not as strong as us.
Hang on in there find out what the results are first. If there is no hope for you give hime time and yourself to come to terms of things.
After  a while approch the subject again and see how he feels. If again he does'nt want to talk about it give him a little more time and then just tell him straight this is what you want and if you can just please look into it and see how it goes from there. Take it slowly to begin with and don't push it but at the same time make it clear to him this what you want.

With my dh he was'nt really sure of adoption untill he wnet to the information evening and whne we got home that evening I asked him if we were going to sign up for the prep course, to which he replied "we will go just to see if this is something we could do".
When we finished the prep course it was him that was all hept up about signing the forms and starting the hs, he could'nt wait. We just got approved on Thursday and he was calm as anything when we went to panel while I was really nervous.
He answered all the questions calmly while I was tripping over my words 
When we got back to the car he said " see I told you it will be fine, you worry too much" and this came from a man that wasen't sure that adoption was for him.

I in no way  forced him into this it is just a case of time and patience, slowly slowly catch a monkey 

Good luck and I hope you have posative results.

Skyblu.xxx


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thankyou for your reply skyblu, I am hoping that in time dh will come round too but I am just scared incase he doesn't, I want him to be honest and open and tell me what he feels/thinks. I just don't want to have false hope but on the other side of the coin, I am not sure I could live a life without children. Time will tell I guess.
Although it's been tough we have managed to survive 6 years of infertility, 3 failed ivf's and 3 miscarriages, I am hoping that we have had the toughest ride already but who knows..??
Thanks again.
xx


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi Shining Star,

Hope you can get your DH to open up it must be so frustrating!  Why dont you go to an open evening on your own to get more info and that might make him realise how important it is to you and he might discuss his feelings?

In regards to the support network our SW went on and on about its importance so it may be an idea to start putting something in place if you feel concerned about it.  Friends of ours joined community groups like the Round Table or volunteered at Brownies or Guides as it starts ticking boxes and is a great way to increase the network around you.  I volunteer for the Guides as I wanted a hobby and couldnt afford one, it is so much fun and is very rewarding so might kill 2 birds with 1 stone. 

Hope that helps a little x


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi Shining Star
Good luck with your journey and hope the forthcoming tests are instructive.
To respond to your questions...
ok, I'm going to generalise a bit here so hope it doesn't annoy!
I think men are more linear in their thinking than women, so while we are pursuing one route, in our minds we might be thinking about and ruling in, trying to digest our feelings about, various other possible action plans. Men are pursuing a route. (full stop). A bit like, on the whole, they don't thrive at multi tasking.
My DH wouldn't discuss adoption. Not that he was against it, he simply didn't see the point thinking/talking/expending emotional energy about it while we were pursuing IVF. It left me v nervous about how he felt about it/whether it was an option for us as he wouldn't get into it.
However, once we decided enough was enough on the IVF route he was quicker (and I think found it easier) than me to switch 'tack' to adoption, more or less saying, what I want more than anything is a family and if we can't have it biologically, then this is the way to do it, so let's do it. 
Maybe you can accept your DH isn't the one to have what if conversations with? Not ideal and maybe that conclusion won't work for you but hope my experience might reassure you his responses at the mo are not necessarily a bad sign?

Re support network, it probably is something for you to think about - at least consdiering how to dress up what relationships you do have. We thought we had a strong support network but our SW was more focused on who was on our doorstep than we anticipated. V old fashioned I think - though maybe practical for good reason? Anyway, i am a newbie so not best person to advise but if you lack friends in your home town maybe look into toddler groups or similar to show you will be keen to find post adoption support of some kind, and big up the neighbours etc! Plus ours did accept to some extent the support that came from geographically further afield. 
good luck with everything
gettina


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi Kettina and kjb - Thnakyou for your replies. I have found them very useful and informative.
I will keep all your suggestions in mind for when I am sure adoption is right for us. I think volunteering at a creche/nursery would be lovely and intend to do this. How easy is it to do volunteer work in a nursery? What are the guidelines, any ideas? I wouldn't think it would be easy as will they not need to check you out to make sure you are not a threat to the children?
Any other suggestions? I don't think there is a brownies/guides round here and it would have to be in walking distance as we only have one car that Dh needs for work.
Thanks everyone.


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Are there any local church or community playgroups where the Mums come to let the kids play, they tend to be run by volunteers and are therefore much more willing to take people in whereas nurseries are run to make money so will probably not want to fork out however much it costs to get you CRB'd so you can help?

The Brownie website has a register your interest to volunteer section on the wesbite which would show you where they are. You would be surprised. I thought there was only one in my small town and there are 7 brownie units.
http://www.girlguiding.org.uk/get_involved/volunteer.aspx

Or there is a national website for general volunteers needed
http://www.volunteering.org.uk/iwanttovolunteer

Ta
K


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

KJB - quick question: I don't want to register my interest unless I know there are local opportunities.  Do you know how I can find out?  We live in a rural area, so there's often nothing truly local.  Thank!


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

I think you can go to the "Parents" section put your postcode in and it will give you a list of nearest and contact details


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Ta!  I'll try that.    I had my 'volunteering' head on and wasn't looking for parents' info... duh!


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

hi shining star...i see that most of these lovely ladies have pretty much answered your questions but i wanted to add that my dh was pretty much the same. it all suddenly became a bit of a taboo subject. but i went ahead and enquired for the information pack to be sent and left it lying around on the kitchen table for some time so he could read it when he was ready. he eventually agreed to go to an open evening and that was the turning point. it was one of the guest speakers who won him over...she said she didn't want to continue with the uncertainty of ivf and so with adoption, she knew that at the end of it all...they would be guaranteed a family'

now, he has embraced it all. we are still at very early stages but i love hearing him on the phone talking openly about it to his parents. he really is shining now. 

hang in there. re: support network...we too moved here 5 years ago and found making new friends tough (my family in south africa and dh's are 3.5 hrs away)but i can see the girls have been incredibly helpful with the volunteering info, so i am sure you will find something just right for you. i volunteer in a local childcare business which is the best thing ever. 

anyhoo hope this helps...don't forget to add this site on your support network. also start getting to know the neighbours. the sw will be pleased to know that there is an option for help right next door in an emergency.


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