# Don't understand these feelings - long one



## kerrys (Feb 28, 2005)

Warning, this is a long rant, sorry.

I have a son, he is my world and being a mother is more than I ever thought it would be    BUT    my friend has just given birth to her third child in 4 years and when I received the text to say the latest bundle had landed I couldn't sleep, I cried.  I cried on and off all the next day and was very confused with my feelings.

I never wanted to have an only child and I don't know how I'll react if that is our only option, these feelings have taken me by surprise.  I didn't think they would ever leave altogether but I wasn't expecting them to be so strong.

My sister is due her first child at the end of this month, she was trying for 1 month.......i am jealous, i am jealous about how relaxed she has been throughout, i am jealous of how easily she has complained about being pregnant.

The whole way through my pregnancy I was walking on egg shell's, I felt I couldn't complain about the aches and pains cause we had worked so hard to acheive it.  I was afraid to buy anything for the baby until the last minute as I was afraid it was all just a dream that would be taken away from me.  My sister on the other hand has had the crib built and in her room for weeks, has the steriliser sitting waiting to go, I was afraid to take anything out of the boxes incase it all had to go back.

I suppose it's natural that my feelings haven't just gone away, if I wasn't infertile I suppose dh and myself would be discussing a second child in around now so this is like an extra slap in the face having to deal with these short comings again.

See it's confusing cause I love my son, he is my world and I am reminded every minute of every day just how lucky I have been to have him so I feel slightly ungratful for these feeling but then I look at other families with more than one child and still I think why can't that be me............. am I normal or just a COW


----------



## fluffyhelen9999 (May 13, 2005)

totally normal hun       I remember feeling the same... even now Ive got 2 and my family is complete,  I still sometimes envy people who have children easy.
Helen xx


----------



## bluevelvet (Nov 22, 2008)

Your post has struck a real chord with me 
As you can see I have one son also 
I never thought I would have one child - I always thought I would get to choose the number of children and even the age gap in between!
How wrong I was!
But then for a long time there was a possibility I would have no children 
So I am very lucky!
As you can see we tried repeatedly to have another child but our final ICSI ended in BFN recently 
So I am now at the stage of KNOWING that I will never be pg again and my gorgeous boy will never have a brother or sister. It makes me sad because he would have been ace big brother. 
How do I cope? 
Well sometimes I am very rational and say "well it is easier with one - more money, time etc". And most of the time it works. 
And then there are other times when I get angry - why can't I have what other people get so effortlessly?
And then there are times when I just cry 

I am hoping with time that these feelings will even out and the pain will lessen. A part of me will always be sad but I guess I have to look at what I have got rather then what I haven't. Doesn't stop my heart aching a little tho....

I hope you find peace.


----------



## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Kerrys


----------



## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Kerrys

just wanted to send a big   to you

I think that your feelings are perfectly normal and are experienced by many here (including myself)

I like you have these feelings too, i did think after i had my DS they would go away but no they dont!

thinking of you honey

~E~


----------



## kerrys (Feb 28, 2005)

Thanks for the thoughts everyone.

I think I'm even cross with myself and disappointed that I have these feelings.  I mean 2/3 years ago I would have given anything to have what I have to-day.

I guess sometimes I have to try and remember how lucky I am, hard as that is when I see others expanding their family with ease.

Thanks again, think DH and I  will have one more go, hopefully before the year is out.  Leave it up to fate after that.

xo


----------



## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Just wanted to send you a huge hug! I remember the feeling returning after I had my DS and couldn't believe the intensity of them. I too get the pang of jealousy when I hear how easy people have concieved and think I always will...

Big hugs all round.

Bev xx



bluevelvet said:


> I hope you find peace.


The statement above seems SO apt! xx


----------



## Sasha B (Jan 24, 2005)

Dear Kerry,

    It still amazes me how intense the longing to be a mother is, whether it is to one, two three or more children. I never dreamt it would be the same once I had my DD but if anything the desire for no 2 is almost greater. My heart goes out to you. What you are feeling and saying is perfectly normal. We would all love to live in a world where we can say, "Well I'll aim to be pregnant by such and such because I only want an age gap of X months". It isn't fair that it seems to fall into the laps of some, when there are many of us who have to fight months and even years to achieve our dream of parenthood. Once that happens though, the heartache form the journey doesn't just disappear. Please be kind to yourself and recognize how far you come to get to where you are.

Much love,

Sasha xxx


----------



## kerrys (Feb 28, 2005)

Thank you Sasha for your reply,

I realy thought my heartache was over when I had my DS and was so shocked when all the feelings returned, and in some cruel twist like you said they are greater than before.  I do want one more go and after that I will have to deal with the outcome the best way I can.

Thank you again.
Kerry


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Hi,

Sasha, so happy for you.. Amazing.. 

Kerry, what can I say but to say I understand you totally. I don't know what you stage in. But my urge to have my second child is a lot more stronger than before I had my DD... And I just had another cycle of ICSI and lost the baby in 7th week. Devastated. So close to achieve what I long for.. I do feel so guilty that I am feeling like this but I can not help it. Now we have decided to go for another cycle but so so worried that it is not going to work again. I do want more kids one way or another but I need to consider my dear DD... It will be very difficult to adopt in this country as we have one child already our own. So need to look into other countries.. 

I don't know want to feel like this. I want it to stop so I can enjoy my life fully with my dearest DD and DH but I just can not help it..Does not matter what I do.. Awful..

Wish you peace but I know how difficult to get to that stage.. Soo difficult..

Lots of love. Kuki. xx


----------



## kerrys (Feb 28, 2005)

Thank you Kuki for your reply,

we have just decided to give it one more go but think I am more scared and feel more pressure this time.  People who haven't lived with IF will just say "well it happened the last time didn't it", I can just hear the voices but it's not a perfect science so there is no guarantee, just keeping our fingers crossed I suppose.  

I am so sorry to read about your loss, you must have been soul destroyed when it happen, life is so unfair sometimes.

Kerry


----------



## ccoombes (Jul 15, 2007)

Kerrys I can totally understand your pain!  I dont really have any words of wisdom, I am still struggling knowing we will never have another child.  My only saving grace is that i can see we will be able to offer our daughter everything we possibly can iygwim.  I look at her everyday and think ourselves lucky that we have her and that I am still here to watch her grow up (I nearly didnt make it due to massive pph/pe). I understand what you mean about people and the things they say.  I was told so many times by 'caring people' that if i had one child i would be easily able to have another  .  They obviously never had any if issues! 
I was at the drs with DD the other day and all around were pg women(it was mw clinic) I just wanted to run out of there.  Also cant talk to anyone about my thoughts as no one i know has had IF issues or a hysterectomy at my age either.  
((((((hugs)))))) to you x


----------



## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Dear Kerry,

So glad to hear you are going to go for it.. We can not waste our energy for it not working.. Got to be positive and believe it will work so it can work.

I am sort of going back to normal. I try not to think about my latest loss.. There must have been something wrong with it..Otherwise it would have stayed with me. 

Put all your mind and soul to next treatment and believe that you are going to have your second one.. 

Wishing you all the luck in the world..

When will you have your treatment? I am still waiting for my AF to arrive. It has been almost 7 weeks now.. Apperantly this does happen after m/c.. Need to have two cycles and start injecting.. I have my first 2 weeks injections in UK already.. Ready waiting to go but AF won't turn up.. 

Take good care and your family..

Lots of    

  

Kuki XX


----------



## kerrys (Feb 28, 2005)

Hi Kuki,

we had our blood screening in November and sent away my info on my last AF so hoping to collect the drugs soon.  I'm dreading it all again, the drugs or injections don't worry me cause we've done so much of it already but the presure I think is harder.  This is without a doubt our last go as we need to think about how the financial burden will effect our DS, unless we win the lottery of course, so I guess I have to think positive.  

Good luck with your next attempt, and fingers crossed we will both have the ending we are hoping for.

Enjoy your Christmas
Kerry
xo


----------



## lyns76 (Nov 14, 2009)

Hi all, 
Big hugs to you all, thank god for this site. I have just had bug bust up with my other half.  My friend txt me today to say she is preg with baby no3 and i have cried all night! my desire for a 2nd is as bad as my first, sometimes worse as now most of the ladies that i went baby group with are all either preggers again or discussing when they plan to have number 2. My hubby cant understand why i shouldnt just be happy to have my son and he doesnt really wanna go through it all again.  God i am so happy to have my little boy, he is my world but i cant help how i feel, i DO wish i could just be happy with what i have but the longing wont go


----------



## kerrys (Feb 28, 2005)

Don't you wish the men could just feel the longing for a day and then tell us we are just being silly.  I take DS to a play group every week and there are other mothers with children younger than my son and are already pregnant, as heartless as this sounds but I find it hard to even ask how they are keeping.

We are undergoing our second treatment at the moment but to be honest my husband has not been there for me at all and rarely mentions it at all.  He hasn't even put two and two together that the mood swings and snappyness are down to the drugs.  They are men, what more can you say.  I hope you are able to work it all out, try to sit him down with no distractions and explain as calmly as possible how you feel, also mention how the feelings have taken you by surprise and you don't welcome them but have to deal with them.

Good Luck.


----------



## lyns76 (Nov 14, 2009)

i have gotton to the point now of not wanting to go baby club! i keep looking at the womens belly's to try and see if they are pregnant again. Doesnt all this crap make you slightly insane ha ha.  Before i got pregnant i remember looking at all the people who had longings for a second child and tutting at them thinking they should be greatful for having one and God here i am now going through the same thing! God i wish i could get back to being the person i was before i started trying for a baby, i never used to bat an eye lid when friends and family were having children, now its all i think of! men just dont seem to understand how devastating it feels, i feel like a failure sometimes......god i am ramberling on now! Good look with the treatment i really hope it works for you.
I am hoping to start again with fet at some point this year or early next.
All being well we with get new additions and finally be able to get on with our lives.
I have promised faithfully that if i can get just one more my family will be complete!!!! 

Lyns xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## ♡ C ♡ (Dec 7, 2005)

I have 2 lovely children and I feel so guilty with the pangs for number 3.  People mention people at baby groups etc going on to have a 2nd child. I was the 1st in our group to have a 2nd and many still don't have a 2nd and won't but now some are going on to have their 2nd I feel the want to be pregnnt


----------

