# How do you stay positive?



## Oost (Jun 22, 2009)

Hello out there-

Feeling a bit sorry for myself and thought I’d reach out to people who’ve undoubtedly already been through this.

I’ve been diligently researching fertility clinic options to identify the most appropriate option for our needs. We, or rather I, have narrowed down the choices effectively to two and reached out to make calls to gather some final pieces of information.

Rather than feeling like I’m making headway, I am instead feeling ever more depressed and stressed by the process. Why?
1.	Rather than being a support, DP feels put out by not having control of the situation, i.e. having to “drop everything and fly off for this expensive procedure that may not even work”. He thus proceeds to sulk and not be involved in the process. Thus sucking the life energy out of me.
2.	I’m of West Indian heritage, which means a hodge podge of African, East Indian, and Western European ethnicities. But after speaking with my short list of clinics, I am not at all confident that I’ll be matched with a donor that looks anything like me given that:
        a.	“while they make every attempt to match physical characteristics where possible” the basic criteria is to match hair, skin, and eye color. Hmm?
        b.	They don’t share info about the donor until after the transfer and confirmed pregnancy 

Having read many of your posts, I feel that I should be happy if I’m even lucky enough to conceive and give birth to a healthy baby. But I know I will be plagued by wondering what the baby will be like if all the info I’m given is hair, skin, and eye color. I’ll also be quite gutted if the clinic’s idea of matching physical characteristics results in choosing a donor that no more resembles me than an Yukaghir from the remote fields of Siberia. 

Of course, I then feel horrible for even thinking about such things. But I also know that it’s simply human nature.

How do you ladies deal with the waste of space (of course he’s not always so described) hubby syndrome or the unknown factor of will this child even remotely look like you?

Come on, I'll welcome any crumbs of positive incite right about now.


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## pippilongstockings (Dec 8, 2005)

First of all have a    It is a stressful time for both of you so it's no wonder you are feeling down and DP is being, um, difficult!  Your worried sound so normal and are worries that most if not all people going through donor tx have.

I presume from your post that you are using donor eggs?  In a way I think it's easier with donor sperm as there are sperm banks out there where you can see pictures (baby and grown up) of potential donors if you want to so that you can match up as far as possible to your physical characteristics.  I'm not sure if such a thing exists for egg donors?  I know that the US are much more open about this sort of thing so have you had a look at clinics over there?  There was a post on here about a US clinic the other day that seems to specialise in DE, I'll try and find it for you.

One alternative might be to get in contact with the NGDT (National Gamete Donation Trust).  They may be able to either point you in the right direction of a clinic that may have suitable donors or may be able to help you to advertise for a donor.  

Have you been offered any counselling?  It definitely helped me and Dh come to terms with our situation, might it help you, and also your DH?  Sounds like he's struggling too but not expressing it very well!

Keep posting on here (and on the DE thread), you'll get plenty of understanding and support on here.
Pippi xx


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## pippilongstockings (Dec 8, 2005)

Here's that post I mentioned, hope it helps 

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=210091.0

Pippi x


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## Sima (Aug 10, 2008)

Hi Oost

I'm sorry to read you are feeling a bit down but believe me the feelings you are going through are very common so please do not beat yourself up about it. I go from feeling very excited that donor eggs will give me the best shot to be a mother to feeling very sad that I did not start earlier and I often wonder if the clinic's choice of donor for me would be one that I would have chosen myself. I also worry that I might end up putting too much into my next tx and so will be terribly upset if it does not work. It's all a minefield but you will get through it, just take it one step at a time.

Have you seen this thread? http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=142716.60 There are several of us of Black West Indian, African, Mixed Race Origin and you might get some useful insight into the whole matching process from reading this thread. Many of us have quite a mixed heritage so I don't think it will ever be possible to get the right mix which will perfectly blend into what we would ideally look for in a donor.

Have you tried looking at the South African Clinics? They work with a number of agencies but the beauty of them is that you can look at baby photos of the egg donors and they also give you a lot more information than you would get from many European clinics. The egg donors do not tend to be ID release but I think you can write to them and leave a good will message if you wish. The main SA agencies are Nurture and Global Egg Donors. Take a look at this thread for more info. http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=355.0

You might want to post on the Caribbean Boards for more info. I think they also use Global Egg Donors http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=455.0

Going back to European Clinics do not fill you need to accept a donor just because the clinic offers one to you. I know the clinic is restricted in the amount of info they can give you but you could always try to ask for some informal information about the donor and they might be prepared to give this to you verbally. Do bare in mind the more restrictions you put in place about the donor the longer you will potentially have to wait.

All the best.

Sima


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Oost, 

Not sure it's quite the same thing, but I have red hair as do the majority of my close family - including my mother and sisters. And I guess I had always kind of assumed my children would have red hair too. However since only 3% of the UK population has red hair, I have not waited for a red headed egg donor as it would have been a long wait, but am going ahead (fingers crossed - last cycle cancelled as donor did not respond well) with one who actually only matches me on eye colour (height, hair colour etc are all different)

I agonised for a long time over all this and then realised that it's simply not within my power to control what my baby would look like anyway - even if I was using my own eggs. Some children look like their parents, others don't. We don't get to choose what our children look like, any more than we get to choose what personality they will have, how artistic they will be, what job they will end up doing etc. I still have my moments of doubt, but ultimately I'm reassured by those who have walked this path ahead of me and who tell me that once you have carried the baby for 9 months, given birth to it, looked after it 24/7, then where the egg came from is pretty immaterial.

I don't know if this will help, I know it's not at all the same situation really (red hair not being quite the same as skin colour) but what I would say is that I found counselling a great help in working through some of the different things I was feeling, and would recommend it - if you can find a good counsellor that is (I went through 3 before I found the one who really made the difference)

Sima has also given great advice on some possible options for more choice/info around donors. 

re DP, I can't help there at all on account of being single and doing this on my own (which sometimes I think has its advantages!) but I do hope things improve on that front

Wishing you the very best of luck,
Suitcase
x


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## Pisces34 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hi All

Just curious, what are the rules exactly?  If the donor, didn't mind the recipient seeing her photo in order to make a decision, would the clinic allow this or does this just complicate the situation further?

Pxx


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## Oost (Jun 22, 2009)

Wow.

Thanks so much for the empathy and great ideas. After hitting send on the initial post, I felt like such a whiner. But we all need to B&M every so often and its great having this resource to get constructive feedback and direction. 

Appreciate the link on the US resource Pippi. We initially ruled out the US because of cost and some negative impressions from a US fertility site whose members kept dropping me e-mails offering “great rates for quality donors!” But given the favorable US$ to € exchange rates and the more reputable resources you’ve identified, it’s worth doing more extensive exploration there. Oh, and yes. I was going to counseling for a few months which thankfully helped me stop bursting into tears at restaurants, grocery stores, and trams each time I saw a pregnant woman or child. But I realize this is an ongoing journey and will need to revisit counseling for a while. Going to have to choose my timing and words carefully, however, when broaching the topic with DP.

Sima, what you said in your first paragraph could just have easily been my own words. I guess it’s simply the nature of being in this situation. Thanks for tracking down the Afro-Caribbean thread for me. FF is a great resource, but there’s just so much info on here it’s oftentimes a job in itself getting to the needed resource without a little help. 

I did initially have a look at South Africa and Barbados, but I can’t quite remember why I didn’t continue to pursue those options. To be quite honest, it was likely pure inertia and a predisposition to sticking with an infrastructure I was used to. But if donor selection remains an important issue for me, I have to look at all my options where feasible and timely. 

And Bubbles, thanks for the empathy and reality check. All of my aunts, uncles and cousins all have very strong family resemblance and a very prominent overbite. Suppose I always thought my child would also have that trait. But hey, the possibility of not having to spend a small fortune on corrective orthodontia could actually be a perk.    Hey, I have to find some reason to laugh. 

Anyway, thanks again everyone for your support and direction to some great resources. I’ve got a lot of reading to do. Will try to reciprocate in kind when needed and share anything interesting I may come across. 

Cheers


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