# First toddler group and feeling nervous



## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi all

We are going to our first toddler group tomorrow.....tumbletots. 
I am really excited but also a bit nervous as will be other parents there who I don't know and don't know LO. 

Has anyone ever been to tumbletots and know the format? Do all parents sit around watching and gassing? Or do we stay with our child and support?

The main advice I need is does anyone have any good responses if adults start digging about LO? Need some quick comebacks! I live where I grew up so am bound to bump into that old school acquaintance! I don't think they need to know Lorettas background..... Not unless I go on to make more of a friendship with them later. 

Hope you can help

Xxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I don't know the format, but I would say you sit and interact with lo as well as catching up and making some new friends.

If people as, you can simple say this is my daughter/adopted daughter... If people clearly know and say isn't she beautiful and move on.  If they ask questions I would simply say, it's our daughters journey to share when's she older. 

Easier here than in practice I am sure, but I am sure people will say isn't she lovely, how lucky etc and carry on as usual.

Try not to worry u will be great x can't wait to here how you get on xx


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

When my little one came home. On going to the local parent and toddler group I did not know anyone so initially did not say anything, then one of the group leaders started quizzing me on why i was still on maternity leave when my child was over 1yr - then i explained i had adopted. This did lead to questions (especially do they really let single people adopt....) and then inevitably why? I said that i was not allowed to share that information, as social services need us to protect our childrens privacy and ensure their safety. This seemed to satisfy them and since they have been really supportive (even having a little party when C's adoption order came through).

Good luck, Kiz  xx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Yep, it comes up in the form of people asking re maternity leave, breast feeding etc.  My policy is it is private but not secret and as long as I can answer questions without lying I will. If I cannot then I either tell them if I think they are the kind of people we would like in our lives or say I would rather not discuss it if I don't. E.g. me and two ladies having detailed conversation about mat leave and hospitals. Got to "Where did you have him?" "He was born in x" "Oh, that's not local, is that where you were sent?". So I told them and we had a v nice chat. Most people are more interested in how it all works, where he was before us etc. Contrast with nice lady in bagel shop: "Is that your son, young man?" "Yes *proud dad*". "I thought so, he is a photocopy of you". We nod and smile.

As for his background no one has ever had the cheek to ask me why he is in care but I have been asked "do you know his background?" in a wide-eyed interested way. I just say "yes". I think they are a bit disappointed when I don't share all. I don't care. It is my pixie's business. No one knows the details except from one friend from whom I needed legal advice. Even my close family just know bm couldn't take care of him, hasn't been around for a while and he is child no. 5.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm getting to the stage I quite enjoy when they ask questions....

"How was the birth?" "I don't know, I wasn't there...."

"Do you know, like, everything about his background?" "Yes." Delivered with big, bright smile.

"[Random horror story about adoption]" "Wow, that's really interesting. We've had a great time."

But mostly I've answered most things with, "this is my son, [Bug]. He came to us when he was two. I'm the luckiest mummy in the world."

And, to be fair, I get far more of these type of reactions:-

"Oh, he's gorgeous!"
"Good for you!"
"You're doing an great job."
"I wish my son would.... [random thing Bug is doing well right then....]"
And once, memorably, "I think you're just amazing, so I bought you this little gift just to say what a great job you're doing."

 Go and enjoy yourself. I used to stay with Bug when we first went to toddler group, when the other mother's were just nattering, but that's what he needed, and that was fine. To be honest, it was a bit horrible for a few sessions, because he was really pushing boundaries, but it was definitely worth sticking with.


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Hi Lorella,

As your LO is so young have you thought about attending a class, rather than a toddler group? Classes are more structured & you generally sit on the floor in a circle with your LO's & follow what the teacher is doing & hence less room for chatting &  any awkward questions which you might not be prepared for to start with! With a lot of classes you have to sign up & pay for the term but most teachers let you trial them first so you can see if you like it. Also, try your local libraries for story or rhyme time as they can be fab! 

Good luck & let us know how you get on.....oh.....and be prepared to be emotion! The first time I attended a class with LO I was overwhelmed & had to hold the tears back as had waited so long to be a mummy & do this! 

One final thing....with your lo's age 'polite conversation from other mummy's' could be re about if/when you are 'returning to work'. If you are planning on going back to work, the best little white lie is 'I'm not returning to work' that avoids any awkwardness & you mentioning LO is adopted to people you don't know/dont want to tell. If you becomes friends at a later date you can tell them & I'm sure they will understand!


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks so much ladies. That's really helpful. 

Yes sorry I didn't make it clear, it is a class not a toddler group and we are going to the trial session in the morning. 

Kiz and Lizard -  that's a good point about them asking questions about mat leave. I hadn't thought if that. She's still only 10 months so can get away with still being on it at the mo but I like the idea of responding with 'I'm not going back' if I get questioned any further. 

BG - that's exactly how I feel... Private but not secret. 

AOC - great quotes. Will remember them when I need them!

Will let you know how I get on. Thanks so much ladies. Feel more prepared now xxx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi ladies

So I went to the class. Unfortunately only 4 babies there so had to do a lot of interaction with the group leaders and a lot of chatting!

Got the 'is this your first' question which was fine as just answered honestly. Managed to change conversation a few times when looked like was going more towards Loretta. 

Only question I got that wasn't related to me was about the pregnancy balls.....'did you use one of those when you were pregnant?' Again I just said 'no'! He didn't need to know because I never was pregnant! It was weird because I kinda felt that he shouldn't really presume I have been pregnant! I know that's just because I'm living on planet adoption though! 

It was a good thing to do and I'm pleased I did it. Onwards and upwards!

Oh and Lizard.... I thought nah I won't get emotional..... Then at the start when we all sat on mats and did a cute little warm up together I felt overcome with emotion and had to fight back the tears! You were right to warn me about that so thanks x

Xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Sounds like you did great. I always try to answer honestly too but obviously don't tell the whole truth of the story! I remember the first time we went to sensory group and at the end she turned the lights off, put a projector on with stars and got out blankets and pillows. Then the music came on.... 'I'll snuggle you and cuddle you... I love you, I love you...' Can you imagine?!! All I can say is that it was lucky it was dark


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Well done I was terrified the first time I went to a group but luckily I went with a friend from prep so we had each other.  Just a couple of thoughts I think how much to reveal depends on circumstances.  At the one of my groups it is very parent child activity led and I go with a girl from prep so there isn't a moment to have much mum chat which is part of why we chose it. However they have asked a couple of times about photo consent for ** page / marketing and had a professional photographer in. Then I've said my daughters are adopted so I can't have photos of them on the Internet which the staff completely understand and respect.  In fact the second time the regular staff member just politely told photographer my children weren't to be photoed. Other mums must have heard but have never mentioned it.  

Second group I attend is in my small rural village I only started recently as it is a mum chat kids play format.  I go because my kids will benefit from knowing the children that will attend the small village school with them.  I decided to be honest at the first opportunity - not everyone's thing but easier for me.  I will drop off and collect from school for years to come with these women and we are likely to have  people in common and cross paths a lot. Week one a mum started a conversation with me one to one with me about  school places I smiled and said lucky for me with the girls being adopted they get priority placement so I don't have to worry.  Conversion continued normal no one has mentioned it since but I've also had no birth breast feeding etc questions either which makes my life easier.  In other circumstances I wouldn't necessarily said but I am hoping for my girls sake to build long term positive relationships here and didn't want an elephant in the room. 

However in other places I just smile and nod amazing how little you can get away with saying I mean literally no words when someone is swept up in their own conversion lol xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I'm two years in and the questions don't stop!

One thing to be aware of in any toddler group is that if your little one falls or cries, people won't hesitate to pick them up or try to comfort them, so watch out for that one. The other thing I wasn't prepared for was the overwhelming protective instinct!! When a toddler bumped into my son I got really angry and cross with him! Remember toddlers are rubbish with spacial awareness and many of them go through a phase of hitting/ biting etc. It's not nice when it happens to your child but it is something that will happen and at some point in the future your child will probably be doing it too!


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks ladies. 

I'm going to a taster for a sensory group so glad I'm prepared for any snuggling and cuddling Lolly! X

Mummy DIY Diva - in a similar situation with the village toddler group. I agree I want to make some good relationships and for Loretta to make friends in the village so will be best to be open once I've got to know people a bit. I think I might ask my friend who has a baby to come with me to start for moral support x

Thanks for the tip Arrows... I expect I will be like that too! X

Xxx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

I've got another one- the embarrassment you feel when your bruiser of a baby pulls out a little girl's hair slide and makes her cry!


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