# Beginning a New Journey



## shell1975 (Apr 7, 2013)

Hello all,

My husband and I have just finished our last try at IVF and was sadly unsuccessful.

We began 3 years ago, and managed to get 6 blastos but unfortunately none of them took.  During our fresh cycle I became very ill with OHSS, and had to freeze all our the blastos we were very positive one of them would take- at the time 6 seemed so many chances- and now we have used them all it didn't seem that many at all.

Our consultant at the OFU, has said they will not allow me to go through IVF again seeing as though I was so poorly with the OHSS.  Her words were 'we were very lucky to pull you out of that'.  I was admitted to the JR for 10 days and during that time had to call Dr McVeigh in to do an emergency stomach drain.

Anyway- we have always said that if we were unlucky with IVF we would definitely want to go down the adoption route, but where do we start?

How long does the whole process take?

Is this done privately?

What's your advice on Concurrent Placements?

Any help would be greatly received- this is all so new to us?

Thank you

Michelle & Kevin


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## Emma-is-a-mummy (Jan 16, 2012)

Hi Michelle and Kevin. 

Welcome to the adoption boards. 

Our journey started last January when we made the initial call we then got onto may prep course, home study was finished oct and we went to panel in November. We are now linked with a beautiful little boy who if all goes to plan comes home in June. So it will have taken 18 months from initial phone call to placement. And I can honestly say we haven't looked back it is totally the right journey for us and we have enjoyed every second if it apart from the waiting from approval in November to matching in march but it was worth the wait. 

We went with our la and found them great we've not had any problems with them at all. 

I hope this helps you. 

Good luck with your journey. 
Hugs 
Emma xxx


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

Hi Michelle & Kevin, I went to OFU for our ivf too. We are just starting out on our journey so can't help you with timescales. I contacted our LA and requested a brochure and then after reading it, I called them where they explained a bit about the process and asked me quite a few questions and then they invited us to an open evening which we are going to on 18 April.


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## shell1975 (Apr 7, 2013)

Thank you for your replies.

What's the difference between going though LA and VA (voluntary and local authorities)?

Do you know of you have to wait for a period of time after Ivf?

I was also told that you are not allowed to go through adoption if you only have a one bedroom house or flat- is this true?

Thank you in advance for all your help x


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

shell1975 said:


> Do you know of you have to wait for a period of time after Ivf?


We had to wait 6 months before applying (after our last treatment), they are very strict on the dates.


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## shell1975 (Apr 7, 2013)

pauliboo said:


> shell1975 said:
> 
> 
> > Do you know of you have to wait for a period of time after Ivf?
> ...


Really!? . That seems such a long time away x


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Hi, most agencies ask you wait 6 - 12 months after treatment, most are 6 months but some can be more.
If you are from England, the new guidelines state you should be at panel for approval at 6 months, but there could be delays from sw's on sick or holidays.
Most will want you to have a spare bedroom so you would need a two bedroom property.
You don't have to own your property.
I don't know much about concurant adoption, it wouldn't be something I would do as it is not guaranteed you will be that child's perants, but that is only my opinion.

Give a number of agencies and la within a 50 mile radius of where you live a ring and go to as many open evenings as you can and make your decision on what you feel is right for you as they can differ.
Good luck and hope I have answered most of your questions.

Skyblu.xxx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi, our journey will hopefully have taken 2 yrs to bring LO home if everything goes to plan. We waited 2 months after prep to be assigned a sw and have had the usual delays caused by Christmas, summer holidays and Easter! We went with first LA we approached and with hindsight we may have been better 'shopping around'.... 
We were 1 yr post final IVF
Good luck cs xx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi shell and welcome,

Here is our timeline:
May 2012 - last ivf we didn't need to wait 6 months, just show we were ready to move on
Aug 2012 - initial interview/ formal application
Sept 2012 - allocated sw, hs due to start but delayed for 1 month because my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer
Oct 2012 - hs started
Dec2012 - hs finished
Jan 2013 - received par
Feb 2013 - a panel ( matched next day)
April 2013 - m panel delayed due to admin errors
May 2013 - praying for panel

If things go according to plan lo should be home beg of June .

Concurrent - we were asked to consider it but for us there was too much risk regarding loosing lo. The lo was new born but  still involved in regular (as often as 2/3 times a weeks) direct contact with bf. we couldn't refer to ourselves a mum and dad because there was still a chance they could go home to bf. for us the disadvantages out weighed the advantages but it works for many people.

Va vs la - la have responsibility to adopters and looked after children therefore they can place there own children. Va only responsibility is adopters. They have to be appraoched or approach others for children for their adopters. we had interviews with both. Really liked the va's approach to things but they were honest and told us they were very unlikely to be placing young lo's. The va told us that a la will try to place a lo first, if they are unable to  they will then approach a va BUT in many areas there is a shortage of adopters so va are being approached regularly and quickly. Historically they placed 'harder to place children' but in our experience that doesn't seem to be the case now.

As skyblu said thy will expect a lo to have their own room or to share with their siblings - whichever is the best for each individual child. 

Flash xx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

I meant to say about the waiting, I too thought it was  rediculous . In may I really thought I was ready but looking back there was no way I could have given adoption everything it needed even though at tht time I honestly thought I could.  from may to aug I totally hit rock bottom. I needed to grieve for the birth children we were unable to have. I needed to morn for the dream I had been chasing for 13 yrs plus. It was only then could I properly move on to adoption.


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## Doofuz (Mar 9, 2008)

As you can see from my signature, we started the process off by phoning initially in May last year. As we had only finished our treatment in March, we knew we would have to wait at least 6 months, which took us to September when we had an initial visit. We have panel next month as the agency we went with had a policy of getting prospective adopters to panel within 8 months. We feel that the 6 months was a very useful time and, although I posted on here thinking it seemed so far away, the time was wisely used reading, researching and I even looked into some of the homework they set on the homestudy. I think this helped when we attended the prep course as we knew what they expected and understood what Attachment Parenting was all about. If you don't already have childcare experience, find a local toddler group that wouldn't mind you helping out, it all helps when you first talk to a social worker. When September came around and the first social worker we spoke to arrived at the house, we weren't as nervous as we had an idea of what they were going to ask us. The prep course was excellent, I really enjoyed it although, the subjects were intense. Home study has been an entirely different time and is personal to you both as a couple, no two home studies are the same. Time flies by, good luck


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## shell1975 (Apr 7, 2013)

Thank you for all your advice.

So now knowing we would need to wait 6 months before beginning our new journey, what or how could we prepare ourselves?

1. Is there any reading materials we should know about?

2. What sort of questions are we asked by the social worker?

With regards to child care experience, our family are very close and we have a lot of children that I look after and am around a lot, plus my auntie is a well known foster carer in our area and has been doing the job for 20+ years so I am very used to being around babies/children that have come from all kinds of backgrounds/problems so I am hoping this will give us good stead with that question.

Many thanks

Michelle & Kevin x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hi Michelle and Kevin, 

Well come to the adoption boards we are a lovely bunch promise  . With regards to the wait we have been really lucky so thought I'd share my approach incase it works for others because it's kept me sane. 

We had failed FET in November 2012. In December 2012 I booked for us to attend adoption open evenings. We listened to presentations and got to talk to SW's and ask loads of questions etc. At these I was totally honest about last treatment date but also the fact that me and DH had decided before our 2nd cycle this was our last ICSI and that work or fail we would adopt - either for siblings or to start our family. However we ended up having to have FET after. I told them I knew about waiting 6 - 12 months but wanted to know if we could have an initial screening interview sooner rather than later. I said that it meant anything they wanted us to read up on / do to the house / gain more experience of could be done during that wait and not cause further delays down the line. They agreed to this and came out in January 2013 and accepted us for prep in June. 

For me the wait has not been a positive thing I've wanted to adopt for ages and doing nothing frustrates and upsets me. I was ready my grieving had been done - it was awful when I did it I really hit rock bottom but that phase has passed. However for my husband it has been invaluable he is now so on board with adoption so much he can't wait to start prep and is excited to plan our future. I never thought he'd get to this point so I am glad he has had this time. However I am also glad that I had a date in sight to work to. 

Read books about attachment theory and adoption. I have a few and they are really helpful. Start by checking your libraries because they are expensive. Good luck x x


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## Doofuz (Mar 9, 2008)

Books by Dan Hughes and Margot Sunderland are my biggest recommendations. I have also purchased Reparenting the Child Who Hurts by Caroline Archer. I have a few books on my kindle as they are cheaper on there but they are generally quite expensive. Whenever I went to the library they didn't have the books I wanted in and they had a long waiting list. Adoption UK lend some books if you subscribe to them. Read about subjects that focus on Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and Global Developmental Delay as well as other types of issues like autism/spectrum disorders as this is what quite a lot of the children in care are going through. 

Have a think about what age and gender you may like to adopt but remember that your choices may change as you go through the process - they ask you all the way through what your preferences are and they don't mind if they change. I joined Be My Parent from quite early on as I wanted the chance to read some snippets of profiles and was told that you quite often have to read between the lines as they don't tell the whole story until you register a particular interest once you are approved. They talked about that on our prep course quite a bit and they reiterated that reading profiles as research was something they advised us to do.


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

I have downloaded on my kindle a book called what to expect when adopting by Dr Ian Palmer which I understand is good to read at the early stages and I will be starting to read it this week. I have also downloaded a book called what I wish I had know before adopting but I can't remember who that is by.


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## Doofuz (Mar 9, 2008)

I forgot I have that too, What to expect, it is very good. I did look at your other one before but didn't get round to ordering


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Welcome!
Have a look at www.first4adoption.org.uk. It has just been set up as a "one stop shop" for those looking to adopt and looking to find out initial information, who to apply to, statistics, what the process entails etc. As others have said, get information from more than one LA / va and go with the one you feel most comfortable with.  I think you do a get a feel from the social workers about whether you can work with their agency or not.  We went with the first LA we contacted which is the LA where we live, because they felt right and we wanted to have support services on our doorstep.  Good luck with your journey  

/links


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## shell1975 (Apr 7, 2013)

Thank you all so much for the advice, IVF and fertility is all I've known for 3 years so Adoption is all so new to me.

Thanks sq9, I had a look in http://www.first4adoption.org.uk/ and its very helpful.

I've downloaded a few books to read in the meantime; The Use of Attachemnt Theory in Adoptiin and Fostering, The Kick-Stsrt Guide to Adooting a Baby, and Adopting a Child. These should keep me busy for a while.

Michelle xx

/links


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## shell1975 (Apr 7, 2013)

Hehe sorry about all the typos, I was using the site via my iPhone and couldn't see the text.

Xx


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