# Strategies for the difficult days



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Feeling really low at the moment and need some coping strategies  
I had a failed IVF cycle earlier this year - the timing was wrong for so many reasons, but that's another story.
I'm finding everything so difficult at the moment although work can be a godsend in that regard - although I'm spending too much time thinking about work and how I can develop professionally (distraction I think)! But, what I really want is a family  ...
Every time I leave the house I"m faced with pregnant women, push chairs (I could go on) and to be honest it just makes me want to run back inside again. I really want to be out doing things, but the anxiety, sadness and anger that evokes when I do overwhelms me and then I feel guilty. I know what I'm saying isn't unusual in the context of infertility and I know I'm not alone, but it feels like it down here in 'nappy valley'. I can't bear to be around anyone who is pregnant or recently had a baby. I hate being like this, but until I'm in a situation when I can have another go at IVF (OE or DE) this is my reality (stuck) - I know things could be a whole lot worse - I'm healthy, I've got a profession, pets etc, etc. Life just feels so damn unfair sometimes. 
I guess I could do with some coping strategies. I've even contemplated antidepressants but don't want to go down that route in case it bites me on the behind later. (should I wish to explore adoption etc).. GP felt I didn't need them anyway. 
Feeling really stuck right now and angry and sad. There is still a part of me that is hopeful though, just need to hang on to that - it just means I will be an older mum. But, that's ok.


----------



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Dear Gaia,

I'm so sorry everything feels so glum - it's so hard an these feelings are so intense and feel like they will never go away. From my own experience of IVF etc, I feel that the following has helped me to feel a little better in myself:

1) Talking it through, with a friend, relative, counsellor - whoever makes sense for you. Are there any support groups in your area? I'm going to one tonight, it's always really helpful to talk to ladies who have BEEN THERE.

2) Looking after yourself physically: eat well, sleep well, exercise etc: been my godsend. I did my first sprint triathlon yesterday, and for the first time in ages I feel like my body CAN actually do something right

3) Antidepressants: this is not for everyone, but I soon realise that my level of depression was too far gone to be able to pull myself out of it without the help of them. Simply, my seratonin levels had been depleted and needed to be re-filled. I take them while also attending therapy. 

4) Go easy on yourself. You know deep down you don't hate or begrudge people what they have, it's just you processing your sadness. 

I really hope you manage to feel better soon

Sending lots of  

R xxx


----------



## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Gaia  

When you are desperately wanting a baby of your own it makes no difference that many other aspects of your life are successful as you'd happily exchange them all.  I've found those other things can be achieved through sheer determination and hard work - you achieve you exams - you get a good job, you get results at work - you get promoted, you get more responsibility - your pay increases, your pay increases - you can live in a nicer area/house etc I know this is a very simplistic outlook but in basic terms that's often how it goes if you are willing to put in lots of hard work, extra hours etc.  With fertility it is very very different, people who don't even want children seem to get pregnant easily with no effort and those of us who long for a baby seem to try everything with no guarantees.  I think this seeming injustice in how it works tends to make the whole situation feel worse.

Rubster has offered some great suggestions for ways to help you through this.  A lady on here once said on a thread I was on to do lots of things you couldn't do if you were pregnant or had a child - take off for a holiday to an adults only place, tour around a remote place, book into a spa for a day.

Look after yourself

Dory
xxx


----------



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Thank you for the replies and rubster for you suggestions.

I'm actually in counselling at the moment (only get 6 sessions though) and have toyed with the idea of antidepressants, but can't quite bring myself to ask for them yet, although I would probably benefit in the long-term. However, I had some very unpleasant side effects 8 years ago as a result of taking Prozac, which has left me too scared to take them again (for now). Am also worried it will go against me if I explore adoption (not at that stage yet though). 

The trouble IVF is just one of many stressors this year. The second being the breakdown of my relationship (OH left the sam week I did IVF) and secondly a recent bereavement. Work is my godsend to be honest and my pet. I'm also feeling incredibly lonely (especially for male company). I have some great male friends, but they're either married or not OH material (so no relationship potential)... I miss having someone in my life, which would make this IF thing a whole lot easier I think.

I've applied to do a funded post graduate course for a year, which will give me another qualification and more money once qualified (not that it should be about money, but it is when I need to self-fund my next OE/DE IVF cycle in a year or so) - so that's positive I guess. But, somehow I still feel sad - I think I would benefit more from CBT type counselling - to challenge those negative thought processes (rather than going over old ground so to speak).

Anyway, trying to be positive, but it's hard when I'm surrounded by the one thing I can't achieve right now and no I don't begrudge other people's success stories, just want it for myself. If I had the funds I'd be trying again now. So unfortunately that's the main obstacle at the moment. Hence the career move. I can't give up now, but it does involve making some changes and making new friends as some have been less than helpful over the years (which I don't need in my life anymore).


----------



## Grinny (Jun 6, 2014)

Gaia, 

Meditation - all the way. Its the only thing that I have found that works. 

xxx


----------



## elouise22 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hello sorry to hear you are struggling. My acupuncturist recommended a book called Mindfulness a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. It is based on mindfulness cognitive therapy and is recommended by NICE. I am still working through it but have found it really helpful already. It might be worth a look for you too. E x


----------



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Thank you for the meditation and mindfulness suggestions - funnily enough work have started offering it to staff in an effort to reduce stress and improve productivity - yes, NICE endorsed and proven to be beneficial. Finding it difficult to motivate myself outside work and fertility related, so more of a reason to try it


----------



## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

When I was diagnosed I started making a list on my phone (so it was always with me) or various positive quotes or poems. I still add to it now two years on. 
And I really found that it just gave me that little lift when I was low. Or by adding to it when I was low it distracted me. 
I still read over them now when things get tough. I was saying one over and over in my head when I was petrified waiting for the drugs to take effect in egg collection. 
You can probably see it in my signature .....
May not be your thing (it wasn't mine to be honest!) but once I tried it I found it really comforting. 

Today is over, night has come
Today is over, what's done is done
Hold your dreams through the night
Tomorrow comes with a whole new light! 
x x


----------

