# feeling so empty and sad, stuck in a hole, can't get out



## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

Hi, i'm new to ff,

Have been reading all the heartbreaking stories and if i'm honest i wasn't sure what thread to join, as i feel so mixed up at the moment. 

Started trying nearly four years ago now, and a year into it found the usual blocked tube, with the other
tube mostly blocked and taking a long time for luiquid to come through with the laparoscopy. At this point in my eyes although there was only atiny hope, there was always the hope there. Then the tests found hubby had very low sperm count and antibodys in his sperm, so was advised that the chances of ever concieving was very small and felt our only option was to have iccsi as ivf was no good for us. 

Cutting long story short, iccsi failed year and half ago, and i struggled with that a lot. Wasn't in the financial position to have more treatment immediatly, and i felt so angry at that time anyway because i always used to think "stuff God, me and hubby have been together over 15 years, would make great parents, what the hell have you done this to us for". 

Since then financially we have been in position to go ahead with iccsi again, but the thought of all the build up and dissapointment that you have to through, me and hubby have agreed it isn't for us. Just don't feel i have the strength. I didn't respond to the drugs the first time, i had a high fsh so they put my stimulate drug up to 600 and i only got 6 eggs, so was advised to have a flare cycle next time. At 30 was told i would menopause early as i needed such high leval of the drug  to stimulate and with the fsh results it didn't look good. 

For a while we were in denial and wasted money, and talked about all the heartache and trouble kids bring, how much they cost, how bad the world is to bring kids into. So told our parents we were just going to travel around and enjoy our lives without children. This was short lived and again the depression and sadness emerged from where id burried it.

My relationship had been under such pressure with all this, because my hubby said he wasn't as desperate as me now, so we did tallk about splitting up just a few weeks ago. In this time i thought so much and so deeply about everything and got myself in such a mess.

I'M 32, have been with hubby since i was just 16. Never really wanted a career as i've always wanted to be a stay at home mum, so went into jobs i didn't much like, and took a job as a postie 8 years ago thinking i'd only be there for couple years and then i'd leave to have a baby, thats all i wanted, simple, didn't want much else. In this time hubbys career has gone from strength to strength and earns good wage, and then it dawned on me that i'm nearly 33, no children, no career, just a job that isn't fullfilling or well paid.

What the hell am i going to do, i have nothing fullfilling or meaningfull in my life, my dreams have gone from my reach, i havn't got a great career to find enjoyment in or financial security for myself. I thought i had life planned, create a good strong marriage to bring a child into, create a nice home and be financially stable, and i suppose what i'm saying is i feel so unsure about my life now, my dad asked on sunday what job do you want to do, and i just couldn't answer because i've never felt i was a career girl, just a home bird, i love family time, cooking cleaning, playing with my niece and nephews. I have felt like someone had put me on a string and left me danngerling with no where to go because i don't fit in with others around me who have kids, i met a couple of family members i hadn't seen for ages on the weekend at a family get together and my cousins had children, and my brother had his little boy, and i just sat there like like a faliure, and of course they asked if i wanted children, and when are you going to have them. I just yes i wanted children and left it at that. Yet again though its another knife through my heart.

I'm off work sick with flu at moment and have been feeling so low, i need to cut the rope and move forward, but to what.      

I have looked at adoption and have spoke to hubby about it, he wants us to try and make the marriage stronger again first before thinking about this option.

How do you get out of a hole when you feel like this, would adoption be a moving on option. I wanted to go to the doctor and get some anti depressants but have never used them, and was scared that if we do get marriage back on track and go down the adoption route, would it go against me. It just feels like a vicious cycle 

Sorry its quite a long and sad account of my life, but just need to get it out of my head

xxxxxx


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

H Kizzy

Firstly big hugs    and to let you know that every one of us has felt like you do at some point - not sure where we are going and not sure where we want to be.  (If its any help I've been feeling a lot like this now) and as for other people and their comments well ....  that is what I say to them!!!!

I am so sorry for your disappointments - maybe you should have a think about what YOU really want.  Maybe take a couple of days out - decide if you want to go want to try and make things work with hubby and tell him how you feel about adopting - if it is that important to you.  

I always think that if I know what I want then its easier for the people around me to support me.

As for the career thing - I can't help you with that - I, like you, have never been interested in having a career - but for me personally having something else as in some kind of job helps me keep focus on the other things in my life.

I know things may seem tough  now - but this I can guarantee - you will feel better in a few days.

xxxx


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## Celeste (Nov 15, 2007)

Kizzy, so sorry for you.

I haven't experienced the same things but I've got a few ideas and comments.

First of all, don't dismiss anti-depressants outright: go right ahead and make an appointment with your doctor and ask for whatever help he/she thinks you can be given, be it counselling, anti-depressant, whatever.  Your post seems to suggest that you know that you need to take some action to help yourself, and anti-depressants for a short period of time might give you the chance to hold yourself together enough to make some firm decisions.

About what to do with your life?  Rather than try and think directly about the sort of job you'd like to do, why not list all the THINGS you like to do, and see if they themselves spell out one job rather than another.  For example, you like to stay home, keep a clean house and play with children, so that might suggest that you could start your new life by being a baby-sitter or part-time child-minder?  I'm not sure whether you're supposed to have specific qualifications for all child-minding duties, but you could look into that and if necessary sign up in a local college, perhaps?

If your DH has a successful career, you could discuss whether he'd support you while you retrain?  Don't carry on suffering in a job you're not fulfilled by if your DH has the wherewithall to help you improve your lot.

Otherwise, maybe look into other activities that you could carry out from home.  

Sounds as if life has been cruel to you, so don't be ashamed to ask everyone around you (family, DH, local authority career advisors, etc.) for help pulling yourself out of this rut.

Good luck!


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## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

Thankyou for your kind words and suggestions, its really difficult to imagine that your not alone in your sad feelngs. It is a real Godsend to have somewhere to come to share your feelings when times seem so dark. It kind of helps rationalise things a bit. 

I do think if i'm not better in a couple of days then i will go and see my Gp and arrange some anti-dep. I know this is unlike me as i am normally very upbeat and have positive attitude to life and find good even through rough times, but this has just been too much.

I think when i'm low, i do isolate myself a lot away from the world, and if i feel low at work i put a face on and no one knows how i'm really feeling, and then when i get home i feel sad again.

I know i've been depressed because my appetite has dissapeared and cannot be bothered with anything, which is really unlike me.

The way i see myself is, the day i discovered i had infertility problems, i got stuck on a roundabout and it don't matter how hard you try and come off to go along another road, it always brings me back here, because my life can't move forward without a family in it. So i go around and around not moving forward. Can't plan a new career because its not want i truly want, don't want to work with kids because it will  just show me what i'm missing, marriage falls to bits because he is going along new road and i'm still stuck on roundabout, and if i go down the road with him, its not what i really want, because it still always comes back to me wanting to become a mum. I think maybe hubby does want children an awful lot but maybe the desire isn't as strong as mine. Adoption certainly wouldn't be an easy route to take, and i know we have to both want that to take it any further. I also know our relationship needs repairing before we can even contemplate that, it just scares me that he will in the end not feel as strong about  kids as me, and then we'll split up, and then where do i go from there.!! 

These are all things going around in my head, no wonder i've got a headache. 

Thankyou again for replying, it is lovely not to feel all alone,

love Karen
xxxxxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Kizzy  

Thank you for sharing your story so far with us, although I am sorry to hear you have been through and are having such an awful time at the moment.

Infertility affects every single aspect of our lives - so what you are saying about your job, future prospects, being around family etc has struck a chord with many people here I'm sure.

You ask if adoption is moving on - well in a way it is, its moving on from you recognising that you are not wanting or able to continue down the treatment route any more and are thinking about the idea of looking into becoming parents via alternative means.

I think for all of us here, no decisions made have ever been easy ones - some have had decisions taken out of their hands, some have made the choice to walk away from future tx because it takes so much out of you going through it.

There is a relationships board here, because you are a new member I don't know if you can access it yet, the moderator on there has posted a wonderful relationship survival guide. IF does take it out on us all, including our relationships to those nearest to us  

All I can say to you is keep talking to us here, you are so very welcome to stay a while and share your thoughts with us. Please believe you are not alone - there are many here who can empathise with what you are going through.

My love & more   to you
Emcee xxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I know exactly how you are feeling. I too have blocked tubes for no apparent reason, and I have a hubby who have non obstructive azoospermia - so we can't even try ICSI.

I really want to use a donor, but hubby is against it without even thinking or talking about it properly.
He is prepared to go abroad for adoption, but not let me have my baby though using a donor. I find this odd and upsetting - it says to me that he is prepared to bring up a complete stranger's child but not my genetic child. He has a child from a previous relationship which has not been easy from the start. I get reminded every other weekend and DH can't be sure about paternity given his diagnosis.

We have been on the roundabout for 7 years. Some family know and want us to give up. Some don't know and constantly hurt us with their success stories and prying questions.

I do have a career. But I feel bitter about that in a sense, since I worked so hard to build my career and home to make a secure background for my baby. Now there is no baby, why am I still working so hard? Just to pay off a mortgage so that I can leave it all in my will to the cats home?

You sound like you need some counselling. Hubby and I have just started some counselling and it has opened the channels of communication and helped us to see all our options.

Have you thought about egg, sperm or embryo donation as another option? You have already mentioned adoption. A counsellor will be able to go through all the options and discuss the pros and cons. What is right for you may not be right for others, but having that help when you are in a pit so deep that you can't think straight is amazing. You will feel stronger and more committed to whatever option your choose if you have thought about it in an organised manner. Lots of thoughts spin around in my head and I can't talk to hubby. You just end up confused and depressed. Counselling has helped me sort my head out. We are not there yet, but on our way.


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Kizzy

I'm sorry you're feeling so low at the moment.  I can relate entirely to what you say in terms of wanting to cut the rope and move forward "but to what"?   When we called it a day, day after day I used to get up and think why on earth am I bothering - and I had a career and (superficially at least) a very good job.  Even so, I felt when ever I looked to the future, it was like looking into an abyss or a sodding great empty black hole.

I'm surprised you've "only" got a headache and that your brains haven't melted.  For what it's worth I think you need to talk and talk a lot about your infertility and what's going on in your marriage before throwing adoption into the short term mix. Find someone you can talk to in complete confidence, be it a counsellor, the Samaritans or your GP (does your hubby's firm have an employee assistance program in place - they can be great).

I ended up talking to a complimentary therapist (I didn't intend do because I'm quite a reserved soul who internalises emotions for a variety of reasons) and the woman saved my sanity.

There's no shame in being depressed, my god I don't know how people go through it and not end up depressed, and if your GP does suggest anti d's then think about it.  The other thing that worked for me in terms of lifting my depression was walking. I must of walked 40-50 miles a week. I walked at lunchtime, I walked every night for miles after work, I walked and the weekend and initially I could think of nothing else during my walks and then over time I started to plan my life, find joy in my surroundings and then excitement in thinking about my future.

Above all, you're most definitely not alone, we know how awful and isolating it can be.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

flipper


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## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

Hi there,

Its really comforting knowing what i've been feeling is not abnormal and you girls understand where i am at moment. 7 Years is along time to be on the roundabout, and feeling like your not getting anyway. I know men have very sad feelings too, but me and hubby do talk and he just doesn't feel the same as me. He can get on with life, and if i didn't bother about kids he would go through life accepting that we just couldn't have them, so hazel, i can imagine just how frustrated you must feel, and it must be very hard dealing with your hubby's child in your situation. Infertility certainly puts terrible stress on a relationship and the worst thing is, it's hard to be at the same place at the same time emotionally with them because infertility affects them in a different way to us. I  understand why my marriage has suffered so badly.

Our lives went along swimmingly before infertility, it went fine when we were in control of our lives and we were in the driving seat, and our hopes and dreams were the same, if we wanted to go on holiday, we just saved, if we wanted a bigger house we moved, and then bang, infertility came along and took complete control of both of us, and made us realise that we had very little control of life after all, thats a very scary and isolating place to find yourself, and it just felt like someone put a bomb between us and let it off!!!

Just like you flipper i do walk quite alot, mainly because of my job being a postie, normally about 3 1/2 hours a day, and it really does help. However when i do get into deep thoughts most peoples mail ends up in the wrong door 

We did go to a couple counsellor for about 8 sessions up until Christmas and it really helped, however i felt a lot happier before Christmas but now realise that was because i was in denial of my true feelings, and when we went to counselling we spoke about infertility and its affect but not a great deal, and i think it is because she didn't have a great deal of experience in this problem, that i didn't feel able to open up to reveal my inner feelings about being without children. We just went there with sexual problems re; intimacy and she tried to help us gain a bit of closeness in that department.

I must admit i feel a bit brighter today, and the gloomy darkness that has been within is just starting to lift, and my appetite has re appeared, the good thing is i've managed to loose 8 pounds this week, not that upset is a good way to loose weight 

I found an article on line about loss of infertility and its affects on people and i found this quite helpful, and i couldn't of wrote it better myself about what it feels like to suffer with infertility. I printed a few copies and gave them to my parents, and showed them to my 2 best friends to give them a understanding of what it is like, because sometimes they say things which hurt, unintentionally. So maybe i am just coming away from my denial and am beginning to open up to people i  care about what the hell this problem has felt like for the last few years. Maybe this is a good sign for me, or maybe i'm just fed up with hurtful comments from people who are meant to care and just don't get it!!!

We are going to go to an information evening for adoption in march, just to get some information. I did arrange that yesterday, and hubby said that he would go along too and see what he thinks. I need to get off this roundabout, and i don't know if this is the right route yet but there no harm in going along to that evening and see what we feel then.

Thinking of you all 

Karen xxxxxxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

The lady we have been seeing is a trained infertility counsellor and we were given her name though the clinic doing our investigations. I believe that she also went though it all herself so knows the pitfalls.
There is a website with infertility counsellors details I think it is called BICA. These people undertand the issues involved and can help you with these feelings specifically. Couples counselling is great for relationship issues, but as you say they don't really get to the real issues. Our counsellor reads mine and hubby's thoughts and feelings like a book and gets them out on the table.


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## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

Thats really helpful, thanks maybe if hubby will agree we could try to arrange a few sessions with a fertility counsellor, not sure he will want to, but worth a try.

Zemar, if you type in; my parent time article 6 loss and grief due to infertility, that article will come straight up. It really is a great article and i have found it really helpful. It's quite long so make yourself a cuppa before reding it, hope it helps you too


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## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

Zemar, please ignore my last post about infertilty article address. If you type in; dealing with loss due to infertility by judi corbett, then you can read that article, sorry about that  

XX


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## moggy3 (Jan 13, 2007)

Hi Karen

Just wanted to send you a big   
From reading your posts I could have written them myself. I too am going through the whole 'what am I doing with my life & whats the point anyway'
I am 33 and we decided last year after our 2nd ICSI attempt that enough was enough and I know in my head that it was the right decision to make for my own sanity, but my heart is saying 'have I given up too soon?'

I too had always imagined that at some stage we would have a baby, even after about 6-7 years of trying for a baby, followed by all the tests,etc I just figured that if all else failed we could have IVF and get our much-longed for child, it never occured to me that it wouldn't work and we could end up with nothing  

Also like you Ive never bothered much with a career, have just done shop work-never earnt a great wage-but thought that as I would have a baby at some stage it didn't matter.

So now here I am-stuck in a rut not knowing what to do with my life or how to move on with things, do i think about having a proper career or not? I don't even know what I would want to do anyway.

I also feel like  an outcast in society, peoples lives seem to be judged on family, its one of the first questions people ask you-do you have any children?

I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere and that Im a failure because Ive failed to do what 'as a woman' I should be able to do-have a child.

My DH doesn't understand either, he's been able to move-on fairly easily. Just a couple of days ago we were talking because he said he's noticed that Im not really happy, and that if its 'the whole baby thing-still' and if I 'haven't dealt with it yet' then maybe I should go and see a counsellor.
I said its something you never really come to terms with and that you cannot just change your way of thinking in a matter of a few months, I just know that he will never really understand-in his eyes we're not going to have a baby so I just just accept it and move on but I can't do that, not yet anyway.

Also a couple we are good friends with have just had a baby-1 week ago-and I am genuinely pleased for them as they had fertility problems & conceived through IUI with DS.
We went to see them on sunday and to meet the new baby, I held her for about 10-15 mins and she is absolutely adorable, but at the same time its just reminded me what I am never going to have.
Im also worried that the friendship I have with her mum is going to change now, she has lots of other friends who are all mums as well, so I think she may want to do all the 'mum' things with them as they will have more in common, and I could get side-lined.
Don't know whether I should talk to her about my concerns or just wait and see what happens.

So all in all Karen, you are most definately not alone with how you feel and we can all empathise totally with how you feel, I think in all circumstances talking is the key to resolving these issues and if not with your DH, friends or family then with a counsellor-I may try it myself  

Continue to take things easy and be kind to yourself.

Judy
xxx


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## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

Hi Judy,

I'm sorry you too have been going through this terrible pain called infertility! I think when you get told you have fertility problems, like you said, people say just have ivf!! as if its a guaranteed way of having a baby. Little do they know that ivf is for some, just putting off the time when you have to admit to yourself that for some of us, infertility means just that, not having a baby. For me ivf was also too painful and created so much anger and hurt, that i realised that ivf wasn't for me. 2 months after my ivf failed, my brothers girlfriend, who has already had 3 children, and left them behind in her native country, and who has has 3 abortions!!  gave birth to my niece. I think this is where my anger came from and i thought life was just one big joke at this point. Life is very cruel.

I completely understand where you are with regards to your friend just having a baby. As happy as you are for them it still hurts wondering why them and not me, then you beat yourself up for feeling like that. It's perfectly normal to feel that way i know, but being close to a couple who have just achieved something that feels unreachable to you really hits hard, and it hurts so deeply that people don't even realise.

I think if you have a true friendship with her, when you feel strong enough talk to her as honestly as you can. If she has had some treatment herself she must have been at times worried about wether she would ever have a baby herself, so i am sure she could relate and understand on some level where you are. Also you may find she may need some time talking with a friend when it isn't always talking about babies, and maybe this is the side of the friendship, a trusting friendship that maybe she won't have with some of the other mum's? that she will have with you.  Don't doubt she won't need you anymore.

However you need to look after yourself first and foremost for your own sanity, and allow yourself to stay away when you feel weak and unable to be around a baby, otherwise you will crucify yourself. I am sure if you talk openly to your friend if she is a true friend she will completely understand.

The saddest part of your story is that your husband and you are at different places with this at the moment, only you know your husband, is there any chance that a bit like my hubby, he is head in the sand, pretend it doesn't bother him any more and just move on and i'm fine   It could be that he is dealing with it by denying his feelings, i really think that has been my husband way. It's all quess work unless you talk, maybe the fact that he mentioned a counsellor for you, maybe it is what he needs! Only he can decide that for himself.

Really feeling for you

KAREN
XXX


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Karen,

I am so glad that you feel a little better since your first post and that you have had a lot of replies that show you are not alone.

I just wanted to add some of my thoughts and experiences if it helps.

After giving up on treatment I too felt depressed but did not want to take antidepressants. I had had a poor experience of counselling at the clinic and so was unwilling to pay for more elsewhere, we had spent so much on treatment that I resented having to pay more on fertility issues. I now think that was a big mistake! My GP said he would refer me, but the waiting list was huge so I did not bother to go on it thinking I would sort myself out before I got to the top of the list. Well basically I didn't! I ended up leaving DH which was a big mistake too, but I thought that because we had different perspectives on the whole thing we were incompatible. 

Luckily DH and I got back together and my life is now pretty good, except I am fed up with my work. and I have a plan to deal with that! I accept that men and women often see and experience things differently without that meaning we cannot get on. In fact we can learn from each other if we keep talking and listening, draw from each others' strengths and support one another in our weaknesses.

I would really consider trying to get the support you need from antidepressants and counselling. I don't believe it should affect your adoption chances as it would show you are sensible enough to know when you need some support and how to get it. Adoption is not easy and there may be times when you would need support with bringing up a family. However I am not an expert on this so do your homework!

I think your DH is right to suggest you build up your partnership before making any big decisions. It is really positive that he is committed to doing this. I do know that the adoption process itself can be stressful and you will need to be strong together for that.

I so sympathise about your work situation. After treatment I lost all interest in my work as I wanted to be a domesticated mum too. As I was feeling so negative about my life I did not put much into my work. Luckily I did have basically interesting work and regained my enthusiasm with a change of job and new challenges. But now I am considering a change before retirement!

I agree with the others' suggestions that you consider retraining/looking for different work. But before committing to a course or trying to get a job where you have little experience and so may be turned down (which would be a blow, especially when you are feeling so low) maybe you could do some voluntary work for a while? By matching your interests and strengths to voluntary vacancies you could explore different types of work. Volunteers often get as much as they give, such as feelings of confidence and self worth, sometimes training and the chance to learn new skills. Also it would be something to put on your CV that shows relevant experience and a genuine interest when you are ready to apply for new jobs or a course. Volunteers can get involved in care work, do admin, improve the environment, fundraise for a cause they believe in, support the arts or sports......There are so many opportunities. Google "volunteer centre" and the name of your town or area to find out more.( I volunteered on the committee of an organisation that supported families in crisis, it was good to be involved.)

When you feel stronger you may decide that the best way to deal with all those family and friends who ask you about when you are going to have children is to tell them that you would have liked that but it is not going to happen for you. That way at least the questions stop. If you are lucky you may even find people are supportive.

Try to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal. As you can see, we are all here for you when you need some support.

Jq xxx


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## Celeste (Nov 15, 2007)

Just wanted to tell ALL of you ladies that you're a real inspiration: so dignifed despite the suffering and determined to find a way forward, somehow.  Thanks very much for all these viewpoints which I'm going to come back to for guidance in the future.
Good luck to you all!


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## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

Oh bless you - sitting here reading your posts & crying loads.

I think we've all been here in some shape or form.  The thing I find so hard & so bloody exhausting is having to make so many decisions.

I'm never certain I'm making the right one... I daren't give up hope 100% of having a child but when I'm feeling calmer & happier I think that maybe childlessness would be manageable.  Then a few weeks later I'm feeling that life's pointless again.

I think you're DH is def right that you need to focus on getting your relationship back on course ...not always easy when you're making a point of doing so!!

Try not to worry so much about your career... I'm a teacher & I often wonder if devoting so much energy & time to my work has added to my icsi failures - there are endless teachers on FF!!

I think it's a bit of a no win situation!  I'm sure there are other jobs you could apply for but I expect that in your depressed state you're too afraid - that's normal when you have depression (I had a bad bout 5 years ago - got over it though!)

I did shed loads of different jobs before I went back to college to train as a teacher - I was 30 when I started teaching after 4 years at uni.  

I wouldn't recommend teaching kids if you have IF - I'm off today because we just lost our fab egg donor as she tested positive for CF gene & I had 3 hours of parents evening last night telling parents of 5 year olds how wonderful they are & came home & cried all night!  I had an awful migraine this morning & couldn't stop crying - my boss was brilliant & told me to take the day off - so back tomorrow!

If you have got depression - signs are: lack of sleep or v disturbed sleep, loss of interest in things you were interested in before, feeling worthless, etc (my GP gave me a tick list of about 10 things but can't remember them all!!) it's usually a chemical imbalance so the anti-ds boost your seratonin levels.  They feel awful when you first take them & take several weeks to really help but then you start to feel less tearful & sleep better & then feel more positive.

I really hope you can see light at the end of the tunnel - things do improve.  I find that my "feeling good" times last for much longer than they used to.  I still get times - especially weekends, when I feel a failure & very, very low.

You will get to a point where you can accept things but I think we all know that's bloody difficult!  Good luck - we're all really rooting for you.

Love Jess xxx


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## kizzymax (Feb 13, 2008)

HI Girls,

So glad you got back with your husband jq. It just goes to show just how badly it can affect your life. I think i felt like giving up on my marriage just because it felt like too much to carry on with the situation. I know now i am really lucky to have a good strong relationship in many ways, we just have to get a bit stronger now. We are really trying and it does feel like were getting slightly closer.

Jess P, theres nothing i can say to help you with your terrible dissapointment. That must be so hard to swallow if your donor was perfect, another hurdle to cross. No wonder you cried for hours and then having to work with children and see their parents, it must be a torture when you have bad low times. I don't know anything about donors, but again i'm sure its not an easy road to take, nothing is with infertility. 

I think i am depressed however i've been down before, and i am down again today, but yesterday i felt ok. I don't know whats going on. I got home from work, hoovered up, and sat on sofa which is not like me.That is where i've been all afternoon. I've felt sick and had a headache all afternoon. I know its mothers day next weekend, and i know i should be organising something for our mums but i just can't be bothered, again that is most unlike me. I really don't want to go on ant- dep but i want to feel interested in life everyday not just for a few days when i feel better in myself.

I'll go to work tomorrow and just hope i feel better. If i'm honest i don't feel like going to a counsellor to talk at the moment. I just want to move on with life and hopefully adopt and make a difference to a little ones life, and have some positive come from this mess.

You would not believe what a Godsend this is to have somewhere you talk and unload my thoughts and feelings. To talk to you girls, who not only understand, but are going through your own experiences too  , just takes away a bit of the loneliness i'm feeling at the moment.

Thankyou so much
Karen
xxxxxxxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello again Karen,

Thanks for your reply.

I am so glad that you feel this is a place you can come to to share your feelings. Stick around for as long as you need!

LOL

Jq xxx


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