# so paranoid and confused...help please!! :(



## lis16uk (Aug 15, 2014)

Hi all, I wasn’t really sure which section to post this in, but hopefully I’ve chosen a good place for some valuable responses.

I have never taken time out of my working days for anything other than dentist check ups every  6 months, so I knew questions would be asked as to why I kept needing to take half days, come in late etc once our GP referred us for testing.

I am fortunate in the fact that I have a really understanding manager, so when me and my husband were first referred for all of our tests I had to show her my hospital letters as proof of why I needed the time off, and it turned out I actually felt comfortable enough to fully confide in her about the fertility issues we are suffering.  She has actually been really supportive, coming up with excuses when other staff members ever ask her where I’ve gone and I actually feel happier talking to her about my feelings than my own parents. Other than on here, they are the only people who know of our problems.

I moved house a few months ago, and as I don’t drive I now have a very long (and expensive) commute to and from work. This mixed with many other reasons has made me want to look for a new job. The main thing keeping me where I am now is my manager to be honest- but she has just announced that she has been offered another job which I am fairly confident she will take. 

Under normal circumstances I would take this as the final push I need to find a new job myself, but I am seriously worried about what will happen because of our fertility problems.

As our fertility issues are male factor only, most of our appointments come through just in my husband’s name- even though we have been informed that we must attend them all together as on the hospital’s system we are down jointly. Our urologist said we will eventually transfer over to the hospital in Manchester for IVF (or whatever else they may decide dependent on our next lot of results) so obviously that will end up being full days I need to take off work, not just the odd hour.

I guess I’m just scared of the unknown- if I get a new manager at my current employment (which would happen before I’d manage to get a new job anyway) I’m scared to tell a stranger anything about our situation, and if I tried to be vague and just showed hospital letters they may refuse to let me go because they’re not in my name.

And similarly, I’m scared that if I get a new job and need time off all the time, especially when we transfer over to Manchester, I’m scared I’d get laid off and end up jobless. And on the other hand, I’m scared that if I was upfront and honest with them that I’d get laid off anyway because even though no one would ever say that it is a reason, no one wants to employ someone if they’re trying for a family and they’d have to mess around then covering maternity leave (even if this does end up being a loooong time down the line).

My dream job would actually be within the NHS, but yet again I’m scared of this too because if I managed to get all the time off I needed for appointments etc without giving the real reasons for them, I think they could easily look into my medical records and see our fertility struggle again.

I know I sound like a paranoid mess, but I just really need to hear from someone who might have faced any of these issues within their journey to pregnancy… xx


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

Simply put, it's none of their damn business. You do not have to provide a reason for your absence other than if it's a medical appointment. As for showing proof, I would be highly suspicious of any manager who asks for that. They are not allowed access to your medical records without your consent and any breach of that is grounds for so many civil actions such as data protection, employee confidentiality and patient confidentiality. Also, having time off for appointments should not be assessed when you start a new job. I started a new job just before our first round and just said I had a hospital appointment and needed surgery. 

Don't allow anyone to stick their nose in where it is not legally allowed. If you need clarification to defend yourself, speak to ACAS or CAB. If any of your colleagues ask then just say you have a personal issue that you don't want to talk about. You have a right to privacy and your employer is obliged to respect that. If your job would affect your health, such as a physically demanding job then they msu need to assess your fitness to work but otherwise they have no entitlement whatsoever to know anything about your health.


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## Mrsrglasgow (Apr 7, 2013)

Hi,

I have sort of faced similar problems over the last few yeras. I have been under the threat of redundancy. I have decided just to stay in my current job as the last thing I need is the stress of learning a new job while going through all of this.I think you are probably best staying in your own job and even if you do get a new manager then it will be less stressful for you explaing your situation to one person. Rather than moving job and learning a new job and trying to get time off for appointments. I don't think a new employer would be very happy if you started a new job and then ended up pregnant quite quickly? Plus you have to be there so many weeks before you are entitled to maternity pay ?

I actually had to phone a stranger - (my 2 old bosses have left) and my colleaugue is on annual leave this week so I had to phone someone I've never met and ask for yesterday as a holiday as I had ec. I had to explain the situation as otherwise I wouldn't have got the day off(my colleague is off this week) and he was really understanding. Today when he phoned he asked me how I had gotten on which was nice. Good luck what ever you decide xxxx


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

I forgot to add, I was interviewed for a job when I was 10 weeks pregnant and told them after I got the job about it. They cannot sack me or withdraw the offer based on my pregnancy alone and they would need a damn good excuse to cancel my contract. Either way, if they tried then they would be facing civil action from yours truly. Go for the job, keep the details to however you feel happiest with and you are protected by law from discrimination and confidentiality.


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## ginakb (Jan 1, 2014)

Hi lis,

I know it is another thing to have to stress over if you are having work issues. It is all a bit worrying. I started a new job once all of my frequent appointments started and was worried how my boss would be, turned out he was great! I never had to tell him exactly what it was for but I did make sure I worked hard when I was there to make a good impression and also offered to make time up (which he didn't take me up on).

I am now in the two week wait and am actually starting another new job on the 1st September and I did need to speak to my new employer to explain why I needed to delay my start date. She also has been very lovely and not made me feel uncomfortable in the slightest. Though I didn't tell her until after I had the job completely confirmed.

My advice would be if you think a new job would be better for practical reasons go for it, try not to assume the worst and see what happens. Don't ell the new people until you have the job.

If you had any issues with an employer either in your current role or elsewhere then it is something that can be dealt with my HR as you are allowed (legally) time off for appointments. And if anyone gave you grief over this they could get in a lot of trouble.

Hope that helps, this whole thing is tough enough without work causing you stress. So go with what seems likely to give you the least difficulty.

Xxx


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## Little Rie (Jun 27, 2014)

Unfortunately employers are not obliged to give you time off work to attend hospitals appts, although it's at the managers discretion.  I work for the NHS, and I can assure you that no trust employer will access your private medical record. I work as a clinician and am required to give a minimum of 8 weeks notice for any annual leave. I did tell my team leader about our cycle from the beginning, and subsequently my boss (who i work in clinic with) due to drug complications. I really worried about telling them but they have been amazing, and let me have leave at a few days notice. Had i not told them then they wouldn't have been able to support me as fully as they have. I have used annual leave for most of the appts or made up the hours. The only time we are not required to do this is when pregnant!


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