# Hi I am new, first post



## Chocolatejoanna (Sep 4, 2012)

I am 37 and Currently awaiting my period, it's ten days overdue.  That's not a good thing, as the scan showed I had a cyst so could not attempt I u I last month.  A summary of my story so far.  First scan showed that I only have three follicles. Blood test supported with amh 3.1.  Got an ovulationF kit and started serious baby making sex. Then discovered partner has 0 sperm.  Weird conversations about using his fathers sperm -he has no other male relatives.  I was kinda pleased to find this was a no go.  Tests then showed I have PSO, so had op to remove two apparently massive polyps.  Then over six weeks to next period-I never used to be late.  Then started IUI on 100mg clomid with Ds.  Clomid seemed really effect me.  Only ever producing one follicle, and no joy.  Moved on to injectables, Fonal F.  Now cyst... Wondering what is next in what feels like my own soap opera like saga.  All of this has had negative impact on my relationship.  I must admit I don't want sex and view it as pointless when we can't create the family I want.  I know this is unhealthy.  I have
turned in to some Victorian woman!  Been told my stats too bad to even attempt Ivf.  Partner wants me to use DE but I can't face DD at present, need to exhaust all options of having my own child.  Joined fertility freinds as felt socially isolated, final straw all the 'their first day at school' pics / comments on ********.  I feel so jealous I think this whole thing is turning me into a horrible messed up person.


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi Joanna

Sorry to read your post and that you're having a rough time at the moment!  This whole process does become all consuming and I can fully understand what you mean about it turning you into someone else!  

I have found the relentless photos on ** of friends' children starting school upsetting too and feel guilty for feeling like this.  I love my friends and all their kiddies to bits but have spent the last 10 years being thrilled for all their new arrivals,, being godmother to some of them and basically enjoying being a pretend 'aunty Em' to all of them, but it now just breaks my heart that I still haven't got what they all have.  I tell myself that it doesn't make me a bad person, it's just that I am heartbroken for me and my dh that our dream hasn't come true yet.  I feel messed up most days too, but like my friends, I am sure yours will understand that you can't help feeling this way when you so desperately want a baby like them so don't beat yourself up too much. 

With our miscarriage and ectopic last month I have had to distance myself from most of my friends just for now as lots of them have newborns or toddlers or are pregnant, but I just hope they understand that it's too painful and that I don't mean to upset them.  I know in the past I have always been there for them and would be there for them again in a flash if they needed me right now, so I hope they understand I just need to think of myself for once and at the moment until I feel a little better and have come to terms with what has happened.

Sorry to hear about the affect it is having on your relationship too!  It is so hard and it would test anyone's relationship.  I see where you're coming from viewing sex only as a means for creating a baby.  I have struggled with this too, it is hard when this is all you can focus on.

Has your clinic said they definitely won't do ivf for you?  My AMH is also low at 4.1 and although my first attempt at ivf has resulted in an ectopic pregnancy which has been utterly devastating, I did get a positive result with this level.  We are heartbroken at the moment but I am hoping and praying that we can get a positive result again and that one day our hopes and dreams will come true and that we will have our own biological babies. 

What has your clinic said they will do for you next?  I wish you lots of luck and hope your dream happens for you one day.  Try not to be too harsh on yourself.  It is a cruel journey that we have to go through and so unfair.  Keep strong.

,  Emma xxx


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

and welcome to Fertility Friends   

FF is a lifeline for everyone and anyone, seeking support, information and lasting friendship whilst going through fertility issues. FF members are fantastic listeners when when family, friends, doctors and sometimes even partners just don't "get" what you're going through and feeling.

I've included some forum boards that may help answer some of your questions   
Have a look round the site and if you get a little stuck with the navigation side of things - please ask and we'll do our best to guide you.

*Ovulation Induction, Clomid & Tamoxifen ~ *Click Here

*Donor Conception ~ *Click Here

*Diagnosis ~ *Click Here

*IUI Board ~ *Click Here

*Poor Response/Low AMH/High FSH ~ *Click Here

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. CLICK HERE

FF's chat room is a fabulous place to 'meet' and chat with others. Our newbie chat is every Wednesday. A great chance to meet other new members and find out a little more about how the site works: 
*Newbie chat ~ *Click Here

All the best - our paths may cross again in other areas of the site.

Good luck,

  

Tis xx


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

Hi Joanna

Gosh, that is so hard, you really have been through a lot.

And I completely get it with the ** posts.............  aaargh!  

I just wanted to post a quick message to say you are not alone with the victorian woman story!  I think that is really natural and this whole thing is so testing on a relationship.  We argued loads on our recent transfer (we did go for DE) and then I worry that that may have jinxed things etc etc  but you know: we are all doing our best with who we are right now and the circumstances we find ourselves in and it is such a challenging issue.  So hang on in there with him.  That's what I would say.  Even to be doing this together shows the love you have or he wouldn't bother (and nor would you).

The social isolation is definitely tricky.  I guess most people on here feel that so yeah, you are in the right place and I hope you find a lot of support on here - I'm sure that you will.

Sending you a big   and hope things get better for you - and ultimately your dreams do come true

Roxy x


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## Mimi Von Trapp (Sep 2, 2012)

Hi Joanna
I just wanted to say that this website has been such a support to me even though I'm fairly new to it. Sorry to hear your story. I found that I needed to research and understand every problem and even process I was going through. Please try acupuncture! Some say that women who use it have 64% more success than those who don't. I'm on day 6 after a 2 day transfer. My embryos were 4 cell and 3 cell. I'm hoping they are growing well. Read all you can- borrow books from library (internet can be overwhelming and possibly incorrect). Good luck
Mimi


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## Chocolatejoanna (Sep 4, 2012)

Thank you so much for your lovely kind and considered responses to my emotional ramblings.  They really are heart warming and contains points I would love to respond more fully too.  But it's past my bed time.  However, I felt the need to instantly let you guys now they were really appreciated.  
I have never done anything like this before, and I it feels quite amazing to get such personal responses.


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## Chocolatejoanna (Sep 4, 2012)

By that I mean I will respond more fully soon.  As re reading - am not sure that I made that intention clear.


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

PS  I forgot to say I love your 'chocolatejoanna' name.    Roxy x


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## Chocolatejoanna (Sep 4, 2012)

Emma,
I really felt emotional reading your post you have been through so much and took the time to respond to some who has experienced a fraction of your pain.  I can't begin to imagine being in the fertility tunnel or bubble for ten years.  With added to that the hope and the disappointment of two failed pregnancies.  You have probably be told this a lot but you do know you can get pregnant, therefore there is a possibility of reaching full term.  However, the emotional strength you must have to keep going is incredible.  The pain and the grief you have dealt with is immense, you have courage.  I
Thank you for being honest and your darker thoughts, that that you some times have them and come across as such a warm person is comforting.  You don't seem a bad person just the opposite.  You say you have a m h 4.1 but are doing I v f which is very helpful I will investigate further clinics if I u I does not work.  My consultant said because I have so few follicles simulating them would not expand my ovary enough to be able to take out eggs without cutting me.  As already using Ds would love to use my egg rather than dd.  I really hope your luck starts to improve, all the best

Nimi
Trying acupuncture already - thanks worth a try needles make me feel funny so it's doing something.
Thanks for book advice, I have relied on Internet so will pop to lib. 
Good luck with embryos

Roxy 
Glad to know I am not the only victorian woman!  And it's normal.  The thing is in relationships you compromise, but I feel for me I have not exhausted my own egg options.  Also it would mean Dd for us, and for me I have manger to get my head around biological link to half there family.  But bringing them into world with out knowing biological family at all is yet another step further.  I worry to about the jinx, that someone up there knows I am not loved up so that's why it not happening.  Your comments to me suggest to me that despite your arguments you have a lot of love there.  Good luck with your embryos x

Sorry this is second draft lost my first draft
Still awaiting period!  

All the very best girls
Thanks so much x


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## Chocolatejoanna (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi 
Just found out my doc is going on maternity leave!! She won't be replaced any recommendations for a clinic near Cardiff, Bristol, bath, glous, Cheltenham?  Or further don't mind travellling if it's worth it.

Thanks


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi Joanna,

Thank you for your message and for your kind words! I think you're right to keep that hope alive that you will have your own biological baby one day.  Don't give up on your hopes and dreams just yet!  I have been seeing a counsellor and have told her my worries that I am frightened that we have had our chance taken away, but she has told me that you keep going and you keep believing and to not give up hope unless they have exhausted all possibilities with us both.  So at the moment I am slowly feeling that we can't give up and that it just takes that one good egg which may come at any time.  So this will be the same for you.  I really hope you can stay positive and convince your partner that it's not over for you.  I have read someone's post on here although I can't remember which section and she has had a positive result and her AMH level was much much lower than ours so it can happen. 

I was sad to read that you feel you're not loved and that's why it's not happening for you.  I am positive that's not the case.  You're partner wouldn't being going through it with you of he didn't love you!  With me, I sometimes feel negative about myself because I haven't been able to do this yet and being a bit of a control freak and a perfectionist, I am finding this really hard to deal with.  I know I don't like myself some days for a number of reasons.. getting upset all the time, being jealous, not being able to get pregnant straight away like everyone else, and I too have thought is someone deliberately making this not happen because they don't like me for being like this, which, in reality, are all crazy thoughts that I wouldn't normally think.  What I'm trying to say is that I think this whole process makes us think in different ways, and makes us be so negative when usually we wouldn't be.  I wouldn't say I am usually a majorly positive person, but I'm not usually down on myself or others like I have been through this, so I think it's because of the stress and worry this puts us under which affects who we really are. So please don't be too harsh on yourself.  You can't help any of this or the way you feel and this whole journey is so unfair.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I am a teacher and see so many parents with lots of children that they don't actually want or look after properly and it breaks my heart that we have struggled so much when we would love them so so much.

At least on here we can say what we really think and feel.  My dh knows how I feel but I don't tend to say as much to family and friends and I am finding it easier to talk to the counsellor.  Has your clinic offered you anything like that?  It might be a help, or feel free to scream, rant, cry on here all you like.  If I can be of help in any way just say.  Sorry your Dr is leaving.  I can't be of any help on that front as up in the North East but hope ou get sorted soon.

Anyway, hope you're feeling ok today, lots of love,

Emma xxx

Good luck Mimi and Roxy with your results!! Xxx


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## Mimi Von Trapp (Sep 2, 2012)

Emma- I'm a teacher too so completely get where you are coming from. Some of the families in our school have so many children- and they don't always get the love and support they need. As the years go by I find events like Christmas harder and harder. I would love to see me kiddies up on stage singing away in a manger- I struggle to hold back tears at school plays!
My acupuncturist says that women who are used to being in control and are perfectionist find this IVF journey particularly difficult precisely because we can't control it!

Roxy- thinking of you- not long now. Hope you're feeling OK.

Mimi


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi Mimi,

There does seem to be lots of us teachers on here which is quite bizarre.  We are all in that profession because we care so much about the children but it seems so unfair that we then struggle to have our own.  I know what you mean about the Christmas plays as this makes me upset too.  If I'm honest I'm not sure how much longer I want to do it for, which is a shame because I used to love my job.  I teach early years but I haven't been able to go back this term as seeing all the mums the school gate would break my heart and I want to take my child to school for their first day.  You're definitely right about it being hard because it's totally out of our hands!!  I hate that part of it.  I hope your 2ww is going ok for you (well, as well as it can!) and I'll keep everything crossed for you!

Love Emma xx


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