# Feel like such a failure



## futuresbright (Apr 21, 2013)

So just had IVF number 3 and is BFN  
This year has been so hard both emotionally mentally and financially and yet I'm still here with empty arms. 
I feel like as a women I can't seem to do anything right. I try so hard to get it right and yet it all seems to go so so wrong this cycle has been the worst yet and I've no idea where I go from here. 
How do you ladies get the strength to carry onas right now I'm worn out....


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Hugs - I've had 3 goes too & no baby. 
Personally I don't have the strength to go through it again. I'm exhausted - financially, physically & emotionally. I worry that it takes do long to put myself back together that there'll come a point where I can't & I'm just broken for good.

You & I know that you can't start a cycle straight away anyhow. See what changes you could make, give yourself time and when decision time comes you'll be better informed & will know what to do for yourself. 
Some women don't consider IVF at all, others go through the process 9 times! Where you sit in that nobody can tell you. It's what you feel comfortable with, no right answer, no wrong. To go through this at all makes you a strong person.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

You are absolutely NOT a failure look at all you've come through and you still had the courage to pick yourself up and try again that takes real courage, you are such a warrior woman!!! The fact you have the bravery and determination you do should give you great hope that you'll have your hearts desire 

I don't know what if any investigations you've had but you might wish to pursue that avenue before another treatment ie: immune system issues or hysteroscopy to check for uterus problems etc,  if you need any more info on those I can certainly give you links here on FF x


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## futuresbright (Apr 21, 2013)

Thank you both for your replies.
After my first IVF failed my consultant did a hystercopy (not sure how it's spelt) and nothing was found. 
My second cycle didn't go very well but had two embies to put back and one stuck which resulted in my daughter to which I lost in March this year. 
As that cycle resulted in a BFP even though I didn't respond very well to the menupor he wanted to do exactly the same as last time same protcol (short) same drugs etc but this cycle was awful as I wasn't down reg with the buserlein lining wasn't right etc and then slow follicles only ended up with three. They collected 6 eggs but all but one was rubbish and so only one fertlised. 
I feel very frustrated with my consultant and he not keen on all these "other" test such as immune testing he feels they are a waste of money. 
I want a follow up with him to see what he suggests if I can gain the strength to try again but what should I do if he doesn't want tochange anything eg protocol drugs etc. 
should I comsider donor eggs as mine are so poor? Should I be pushing for anything?


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

If you're not happy with your consultant then I strongly advise you change (assuming you can). 
The one thing I strongly believe is that you can't have any 'what ifs'. We changed clinics after the first cycle - the commute from home went from being 30mins to 2hrs - but we felt that for peace of mind we needed to be reassured that we'd tried everything that we could and maintain our jobs/lives. A London clinic or a foreign clinic is out if the question really (I teach and so my holidays aren't flexible & we all know AF never goes to plan when needed!!). 
I did any extra testing that the clinic offered (in my case NK cell biopsy & sticky bloods), i took DHEA (for egg quality) 3 months before EC, I took part in the TABLET trial (measuring thyroid antibodies - which I qualified for, but went to my GP for the actual medication rather than taking a placebo on the trial).

We felt that if attempt 3 was to be our last then we needed to know we had confidence in the clinic & no stone was left unturned. 
We're now at the do we do it again do we not stage (& it's likely we'll now move to adoption), but I genuinely do feel that we've given it our best shot without compromising on other stuff (I could in theory give up my job & do supply teaching, but were attempts to continue to be unsuccessful then I'd be without a child, without a job & without my colleagues/friends).

I know my clinic offer telephone consultations, I'm sure others do - or clinic websites outline what tests/trials they're running. Could be worth investigating?


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Futuresbright big  

To go through another tx after suffering 
such a tragic loss such a short time ago
shows incredible strength and you should 
be very proud of yourself for even attempting
another go.

Although they always so no two cycles are 
ever the same -even with the same drugs and
protocol it's different follies each time - I would
consider maybe just getting a second opinion.
It doesn't mean you have to switch clinics at this
stage but another viewpoint could identify another
approach. Maybe even request a different dr at your
own clinic for a follow up if looking elsewhere isn't
an option for you?

There are lots of tests you could consider doing 
independently such as immunes or Greek hidden
infections testing which may pick up something 
that's gone undetected? Or simply to rule out a 
possible issue can help to satisfy yourself that 
you've tried everything. 

Only you and your dh know when or if it's time to stop
but whilst you are feeling so raw it's hard to think
rationally or objectively. You've had an incredibly
tough time of it this year so give yourself time to 
grieve properly without putting any pressure on 
yourself. You'll know when the time is right to make 
a decision whatever that may be  

X


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Futuresbright you can clearly get pg with your eggs so I don't think thats your problem and your consultant sounds wayyyyyyyyy behind the times regarding immune issues and pregnancy loss. I'll post Agates immune issues thread for you to see if it's something you care to look into.

Are you going NHS or private?


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

This is an intro to immune issues thread http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=242395.0

and this is agates guide to learning from your failed cycle: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=283000.0

You might want to check the immunes and investigations threads out they exist in the diagnosis section on the main page x


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## futuresbright (Apr 21, 2013)

Hi ladies 

Thank you all for your comments. 
It certainly has been a very hard year this year after starting it with such high hopes and expectations. 
Have decided to have a long break booking a holiday for early May and then look again. I need to get my heart and my head in the right place if it ever gonna work again. 
I do think changing clinics is my better option although I live in the south west of the UK we seem to be hours away from any decent clinic. I am seriously thinking of a clinic abroad possible Spain or Greece they seem to have a higher success rate and if I'm traveling hours to get to a clinic in the UK might be just as easier to travel abroad?! Aahhhh toooo many decisions. 
Will have my follow up with my consultant first and see what he suggests although he is lovely he is still way behind in the latest things so not sure if I'm wasting my time and money and success rate on him?


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Big hug furturesbright  

Wouldn't it be lovely if someone had a crystal ball that we could look into and it told us if treatment would ever work for us and when?  I think one of the hardest parts of IF and the associated treatment is the uncertainty that surrounds it, some people with seemingly highly complex issues have a healthy baby from a single cycle and others with seemingly few issues go through many without success.

I'm really glad you've decided on a plan, for me having a plan helps, it puts me back in a bit of control.  I hope that by the time your holiday comes around you're able to relax a little and maybe enjoy it too, a change of scene and a bit of sun always does wonders anyway, plus you're away from all the 'must do' household jobs.

There are lots of threads on here for clinics abroad and have seen many post about how it is actually cheaper to cycle there even when all the travelling and accommodation costs are added on.  Have a scroll through them when you're ready to start thinking about that as they'll be lots of people who've been abroad to offer advice and suggestions.

Take Care

Dory
xxx


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## TrionaT (Sep 30, 2013)

Hi futureisbright.
you are not a failure...ivf is so complex and nothing
You can do to change the outcome although
I think its a good decision to change clinic
and have a fresh start!
I went abroad and was happy with my clinic
it must have been horrendous to go through a late miscarriage
did your consultant offer you any indication
What went wrong,you should def try something
differernt.new clinic for starter.sometimes the odds are just 
not high for it working but after alot of bad luck try something
new for sure and take a holiday.it takes its toll mentally,im
Not sure what age u are but of you went for donor eggs at leadt
there is no waiting time abroad and its pretty quick
to organise if you wanted to go down that roadxxx


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Futuresbright if you are thinking of a holiday abroad in May why not go somewhere where you can incorporate a cycle or at least a consultation into the bargain? it's good to be motivated with a plan forward well done you x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

btw don't forget the fertility show is still on in London tomm and you can meet all the foreign clinics and staff there x


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