# Long infertility journey and starting to feel I'm genuinely going mad.



## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

I have been unsure whether to post this as I appreciate i probably sound completely mad and not entirely sure if I make sense at all. 
I'm not really sure where to start  . As you can see my IF journey has been a long one. Not had much luck thus far. 

I'm due to start meds for FET next week . I have 4 frosties a range of grades. I'm not really gearing up for a positive outcome but if I do get lasting BFP  at some point my mind is already racing ahead as to what kind of child I'd have. 
I've always been mindful of things anyway  due to using DS as a bit of an unknown is now thrown into the mIx genetic wise. 
But recently my anxiety has reached another level.  I've had to take today off sick as I literally feel unwell with it all. 
I'm convinced that even if I do overcome my bad luck and manage to have a child , they will grow up to be a horrible person,  and I'll be in a worse position than if I just stayed childless. 
Every time there is something on the news about a person doing something terrible  (child abusers / seriel killers etc) I convince myself that my child will commit a heneous crime like that when they grow up and how will I live with the shame of it? Even to the point of thinking where dh and I could move to if we needed to go into hiding.  . I KNOW this is irrational but it doesn't seem to stop my escalating thoughts. 
I've also decided that if by miracle  my future child doesn't grow up to be a forensic criminal , they won't like me or dh that much and will move to Australia and I'll never see them anyway.  .
Or they'll never visit. Or only call when they want money. The whole thing will just be a massive dissaponiment. I feel like I'll have to have at least 2 children so at least 1 will be normal but of course I can't as I'm as barren as a dry salt Lake. Which makes me even MORE upset about my infertility. 

The only way I can rationalise this is I must be thinking 'what if I invest so much emotionally and financially to have a family and eventually succeed but STILL bad luck comes to find me'
I think it's different for those who conceive naturally as they don't have the huge personal cost of many years of trying to get pregnant and  the racing thoughts of 
'is this going to be worth it ?' . 

I have alot going on at the moment - moving house (although that's been more excitement rather than stress). Sister going through difficult time her son has attachment disorder and is a nightmare  ( I think this fuels my fear)

But other than that I don't kno why things have badly escalated today ...?

Think I need someone to come along and just tell me I'm bonkers. 
Kjxx


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## Roxbury1 (Nov 22, 2013)

I'm only semi able to relate as my IF journey was shorter and less complicated than yours and we did get our happy ending - but I couldn't bear you sitting there on your own with those thoughts racing round your head. So just to say no, you aren't bonkers, you're someone who has been through an awful lot and still has more to come one way or the other and you're processing it all. Anxiety is a real thing so don't diminish how you're feeling, maybe try and talk to your partner or could your clinic organise some counselling? It's not the same but I suffered awful ante-natal depression which I never knew existed til it bit me on the ar5e both pregnancies so I half understand the fears and irrational foreboding of being careful what you've wished for, and that's without the added concerns of IVF and DS. 

I'm not super helpful I'm afraid but I'm sending you a virtual hug xx


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

Sorry, not going to tell you that you are bonkers!  Well at least if you are, I must be too    

As to why now, I think you have explained that yourself - there is a lot going on, you have had a hard journey so far with disappointments, you are about to start another cycle and add in this heat and anyone could be having a bad day.

I love my boy to bits, it took 8 cycles to get him and I wouldn't swap him for anything but I do still have thoughts about the donor egg aspect.  Almost the same thoughts as you!  What if he hates me?  Is that behaviour normal for a 2 year old or is that something in his donor genes etc.  He headbutted me last night when we were playing and he was bouncing on my knee (he has done it before).  I know it was an accident and he didn't mean to but it does make me worry in my own daft moments that maybe his donor had a serial killer in their lineage!  We spend so much time worried 'will my baby look like me/husband' when we use de/ds, but we should really be asking more about their characteristics. e.g. my m-in-l was stubborn, my OH is stubborn and wee man seems the same.  My genes would have counter-acted that trait but if our donor had a stubborn streak too - heaven help us    

So perfectly normal in my eyes but if you are concerned or if this is genuinely upsetting you so much you are ill, then please speak to a counsellor via the clinic (they should have one available) or you GP.  Certainly keep 'talking/sharing' here.

  
Turia x


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

After all you've been through this sounds very normal.  I think anxiety can play a huge part in our journeys.  We are about to move to double donor (previously was just donor sperm) and it does worry me. Sometimes I feel like we are safer being childless just incase our child has autism or other issues and our lives are then very difficult.  Sometimes I feel like I can't cope with the worry about them having 'issues'. 

My anxiety is mainly at work.  I work in a large team of child bearing age women, most of whom haven't had children yet so I'm constantly hyper vigilant for pregnancy announcements and at the moment I feel like I can't cope with the anxiety of who will be pregnant next.  I can't even handle any talk about people becoming an aunty, grandparent etc or anything child related.  I think anxiety manifests in different ways and after such a long journey it's almost inevitable.  Do speak to someone though and get some support if you can. Glad you took a day off work but obviously a shame that you are feeling so bad. xxx


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

You are definitely not bonkers it sounds like anxiety driven by such extreme and intense stress and a mixture of hormones thrown in for good measure. I have had very similar issues with extreme anxiety before and after Havibg my daughter. I am always catastrophising events that involve me dying or her in extreme circumstances such as walking under a bridge and it collapses on me, or a horrible freak accident that means I either leave DD motherless or me childless again it’s utter torture sometimes. Your mind can do hideous things to you and I hope you can get some help with it. I went to my GP with suspected PND and I was dismissed sadly and suffered alone with these thoughts for a long time, please don’t let things escalate, your mental health is vitally important. Sending lots of love XX


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Thank u so much roxy, turia, magicpillow and artypants  I have read each and every one of your replies into truly appreciate people taking the time to reassure me this type of thing is normal and I'm not alone. I'm sorry for all your struggles too with this. 
I'm feeling a little better today .
Infertility makes u crazy and a control freak there's no doubt about it. 
U put so much pressure on yourself that life is going to be perfect when u get your LO after such a long battle. 
Of course it's just the start of a new journey. Perfection is no where in sight  .
U lose so much through ivf. My career hit the dust and I feel like I've sacrificed everything for my dreams of a family. There's always that niggle that I've pushed too far  and  that I'm forcing what's not 'meant to be' (a saying i vehemently hate)and  therefore, it'll  still find a way of crashing down one day when I least expect it. 
(Artypants I can completely relate to your fears about a bridge coming crashing down on u and ruining the family fought so hard to have ) it's exactly how I would feel l think. 

So anyway I've rambled but your responses have all helped so much 
As I said feeling more rational today. Ready to continue with all this and ready to attack this FET .fingers crossed it's not a seriel killer !  
Kjxxx


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