# how to deal with waiting



## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Hi,

Looking for help in dealing with the post-approval wait.  All hints and tips gratefully received!  We are now 5 months post approval and the waitnig seems to be getting worse. 

I have done the 'normal' stuff like booking holidays and having nice meals out that we can't do after we are parents but still really feeling time slipping past as we sit and wait.

I know we are blessed to know that it WILL happen one day and we are eqully blessed to have a good sw who has regularly given us profiles to look at for potential links (but not made better by us getting hopes up about potential matches that never happen). 

Even now with a meeting next week about a little girl I am still wishing I could 'do' something rather than just wait it out.  I tried CWW but nothing has ever come of any enquiries and by the time our copy arrives the children all seem to have 100 other more suitable people ahead of us in the queue for details .

So - tips for making the months pass quicker adn the wait seem better would be appreciated.

magenta xx


----------



## shearer (Sep 6, 2006)

We were lucky and got approved one Monday and had a placement matched the following week! I can understand how you feel, but just remember, the match has to be perfect (or as close as) to enable the best possible survival of the union. We always said that we would not take a placement if it wasn't right for us and our abilities.

What to do in the mean-time? Source activities for the impending holidays, keep your family book up to date, work out your family policies (basic stuff, not age related as you don't know what you will get yet!). Depending on your approved age range, collect age related toys and books.

I am sure there is loads more, but just enjoy the time you have - it will all become a distant memory when a placement comes along!


----------



## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Magenta,

i don't have anymore suggestions other than what you're already doing. all i can say is it will pass and when you're matched up you won't remember it as being that bad or long.

fingers crossed for next week,
xxxruth


----------



## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

Hi Magenta

Sorry no suggestions from me either, but all I can say is that I hope the match comes soon for you.

T x


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hi Magenta, you have my symapathies, I'm already getting tired of the waiting and we have yet to be approved  i'm not sure at all how I am going to coping in a years time if its still just us two

you've prob thought of this but what about taking up a new hobby, nothing too expensive in case you have to drop it all in a hurry. this time of year is when all the evening classes start, lots of different things you could do..maybe go to the creative writing one and start writing about journey to parenthood, could be quite cathartic?
maybe get busy in the garden, really go to town with planting things for the spring so that you have something nice to look forward to after the winter (lots of new things popping thru the ground will cheer you up if you're still not matched ) plant a few veggies..could put onions in now for next early summer?

will try and think of some more for you...hope thats helpful 

kj x


----------



## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

thank you.  I am going to book an evening class where I can pay 'per session' rather than up-front just in case (see...still being optimistic!).

I might even try doing some more 'research' as suggested by shearer.  Write down what our policy is on bedtimes;toilet training; tantrums etc so we are both clear before faced with the situation. We've not done a family book yet so that might be something to start thinking about - getting photos together and thinking of how to make it age and gender appropriate.

magenta xx


----------



## TraceyH (Apr 14, 2004)

Magenta

I know exactly how you are feeling.  We are approved last November and there are only so many things to do to occupy your time.  I keep thinking how Nats is so happy and waited about a year so our time will come.

It is a good idea to start your Family Book it is a good focus.  We had to take our Family Book to Panel with us and a year on a lot of things have changed, we have changed the car, my sister has had another baby, they have also moved and the dog has died, I have lost 4 stone and I want to include a slimmer picture and some of the children I included are a year older and have changed so much, so I am starting to update it.

Hope you hear something soon.

Tracey  x


----------



## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Magenta - i know how you are feeling as im feeling to too. The weeks do go by quickly but still with no news and if you are anythign like me  you would of loved to be matched and placed by this xmas.

I too have been feeling really down about things over the last month (combination of waiting, stress at work and being ill does not help!).

This morning we got a letter inviting us to a day where we can see profiles of all kids in our consortium which covers a wide area and meeting their SW, instead of seeing just the positive side of this i though "oh god if we see anything of interest we def wont have them home before xmas etc".  Its so hard to feel positive that i dont know what to say to you - dont want to drag you down futher by moaning - sorry..........

we will get there - all of use - like shearer says the right match will come along for all us and hopefully bloody soon!!!

Have a nice weekend. xx


----------



## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Hi Magenta,

We too have been waiting since last November 06.  We had the chance of a match with a little girl from out of the borough but we were undecided for reasons I cannot mention here,  but our borough told us that there were quite a few children coming through, and we would not be considered for them, while we were looking at her.  We were told we had a lot to offer and they felt we were a 'valuable resource' to them, so we took a huge gamble, and came back.  Soonafter a little boy came through who our social worker thought we would be ideal for, but we were completely overlooked.  We have heard absolutely nothing now for 5 weeks, and to say this process is frustrating is an understatement.  I don't want to put people reading off, because many people get matched very quickly. and we found out recently at a children's evening that everyone on our prep course has been matched bar one other couple, however my confidence has taken a huge knock, and friends and family have almost given up asking if there is any news, and started suggesting we adopt internationally, which is driving me nuts!!

Like you, I believe it will happen eventually, but I am feeling rather disillusioned at the moment .  

Anyway, I am meant to be cheering you up with tips on coping with the wait, so heregoes; we both make the most of everyday.  Surround ourselves with children, nieces, nephews etc.  We enjoy being able to go away when we want, go out in the evening when we want without worrying about babysitters etc, and we talk about the future which always includes this one little person who we just haven't met yet.

Lke you we feel lucky to be approved, and we know our little one is out there somewhere, but we have really had to learn a new emotion, which goes beyond patience somehow.  

Good luck for next week.  Your link could turn out to be the end of your journey.

Lots of Love Rianna.


----------



## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi to all of those of you who are approved and waiting for your perfect match.

There is not a lot anyone can say to make the waiting easier, I've always said this is the hardest part, the waiting, you always thoought getting approved was hard but that's nothing compared to how you are feeling right now.

We were very lucky and found out about our DS very quickly, about 8 weeks after being approved but we did not get to meet him until another 3 months later.  I thought those 3 months were hard but i realise it is nothing as at least we knew about him.

When we did concurrent planning we waited 13 months for a match so I know exactly how you are all feeling.  Most of you know that the baby we were looking after was returned to her BPS after 7 months of caring for her.  Our world fell apart BUT that's a different story.

I can tell you lots of things not to do, that list could go on forever, you all know the things I'll list 1) Don't check the phone every 5 minutes to see if it is working!
                      2) Don't keep a diary!
                      3) Don't go rushing to greet the postman every morning, he    may think his luck is in!  

Oh the list could go on forever.

The to do list is not so easy, yes relax as much as you can.  Enjoy short breaks away and evenings out but there are only so many things you can do.

You just have to remind yourselves that it will happen and the wait will be worth it.  Your only human after all and if you didn't have feelings of doubt then I would worry.

We got through the wait of 13 months and had no idea what the outcome of that would be, we then went into a dark tunnel for a short period of time and came out of it the other end and got our DD who has been with us now for 5 years.

i wish you all the best and hope that phone rings for you all soon.

Love
Andrea
xx


----------



## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

We went to a special celebration mass for our agency yesterday - it was wonderful and has given me new hope as I saw all these happy families with young children surrounding me at the service. Some parents waited nearly two years for the right match and said it was sooo hard BUT they wouldn't change a thing now that their family is complete.

So...here I am waiting...who knows what the week/month/year will bring but I am ready for the wait...however long it is going to be for us cos i have seen with my own eyes the joy of a good match and what it is I am waiting for .

magenta x


----------



## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hugs to everyone who is waiting.

I'm not sure what the answer is really.  We were approved in April - have been selected for 2 matches that weren't right for us, or us them.  

The way we look at things is that once we are matched with the right child, THAT IS IT.... our life is no longer as we know it.  We just think what is another 6 months to a year to wait when our life will change forever.  We have waited 10 yrs for this, and we are so ready now, it's a good feeling.  I have gotten over the frustration from the last match (although I really hope we don't have to say no again) and keeping away from adoption forums for a few weeks helped me no end too. 

I know it sounds selfish as you want to be supportive to others who are matched, but it's about self preservation as well I'm afraid - especially after what we've all been through with infertility/ttc for many years.  

Anyway, now I've had a break, I'm feeling much happier and just KNOW that it will happen for us at the right time.  Timing is everything, to be ready for the right child and a new phase in your life.

I too wished for a child before Xmas.. but I just think "ok, this is more than likely our last Christmas as a couple, let's enjoy it".  It's probably a bit easier for me to think that way as dh has worked for the past 5 Christmases so we are so looking forward to this one as he is off for the whole time.  And then hopefully the new year will make us parents.

We are just making the most of our freedom and time as a couple, as we will never get this carefree time back again.  We have a holiday planned for March next year if we're still not matched, and have booked another hotel break for October as well.  With Christmas in between, we've got plenty to keep us going.  

Love and luck to all... 

Cxxx


----------



## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi Magenta (and everyone else waiting), we have been waiting since May and heard nothing at all.  Every month I email my sw and ask for an update but she has nothing to tell me.  On a suggestion of someone on this board I emailed my sw and asked if she would mind if I emailed our family book and a family profile and description of the sort of child we are looking for, to our consortium.  She said she thought it was a good idea.  On reflection I have decided to send the above via Royal Mail (less likely to be deleted or ignored) and I am going to send the information to all councils in the UK as we are now on the national register.  It will cost a bit of money and be time consuming but I will feel that I am doing something pro-active.

This waiting is the hardest part, not helped that two friends are now pregnant and I thought my family would be complete by now.

All the best


----------



## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

There's not a lot I can offer here apart from cliche's.  We were lucky in that we were matched straight away and didn't have to wait.  It will probably be different the second time around as we are after a younger child.  The nearest I got to your situation was being forced to wait longer to meet our DS because his freeing order was delayed 3 months and I know how frustrated I felt during that time.

I think Andrea's covered everything I could suggest.  When you get your child it will be for life and it will be worth the wait.

Hang in there all of you.

love
Cindy


----------



## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

I can't really add much to what has been said already.  the one thing I did do that hasn't been said was on the work front and spent alot of time writing procedures and processes for the things that only I did.  It proved a really useful piece of work for when I eventually went on my leave.

We were approved in the April and matched in the July and like Cindy had to wait until the October to meet our girls because of their freeing order.  That was more frustrating knowing that we were so close but yet so far and not sure whether we should be ourt furiously buying things or waiting for the formal approval.

I hope you all find the right match soon.

Karen x


----------

