# choosing a donor



## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Hi I was wondering if anyone would chat with me about how to choose a donor from a sperm bank.  I just feel like my head is spinning. 

At first I felt it was really important to have a UK donor as it seemed like a nother thing for the child to deal with being part another nationality.  But the last time I looked at the London sperm bank it wasing lisitng English or Welsh as the ethinicty for any the caucasion donors but xytex did.  At the moment I'm thinking:

London sperm bank:
Pros:
* simple
* Donor would be British
* Wouldn't need to go abroad for contact with donor siblings or donor.
Cons:
* lack of info/photos

Xytex:
* lots of health info and photos to show the child
* Fairly easy to expose them to american culture as my sister is american, I have lots of american friends, love american food and TV etc.
* being half american would proably be considered quite cool by thier peers
Cons:
* Would be hard to visit donor siblings due to cost of holidays and me not likling flying (could proably put enough aside for a trip at 1

European sperm bank:
* More info and baby photos
* I've only been to Denmark once but I loved it and would be happy to go back
cons:
* I know nothing about Danish culture

I'm mostly thinking I should look again when I'm ready to start trying so I can see how the caraterisits stack up.  But even if all three had all the physical caratertics I want I'm wondering if I shouldn't go with xytex so the child could see a photo of their donor etc.

I'd really appraicte anyone else's input and thoughts on how you chose.

Silverbird


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Hi Silverbird

This has been making my head spin too! But I recently found out that because my clinic has its own sperm bank I have to use that or change clinic. It might be an idea to find out what the rules are at your clinic first before making a decision.

I will be changing clinic if I'm not happy with what I'm offered where I am. To me, this is the most important part of the whole process. I like the idea that the clinic has its own bank and long-term relationships with its donors, but I want to feel completely happy with my donor. If I'm not, I will choose elsewhere.

Re the Danes... they are apparently the happiest nation in Europe, not because they have a lot, but because they have worked out what the important things in life are (people rather than products/material things) and have relatively low expectations about everything else. When it comes to life and living they have it just about sorted! I'll post a link to the study if you're interested.

Good luck!

T x


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## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

Hi Silverbird I'm unclear as to what your concerns are about your UK clinic regarding 'English' and 'Welsh' as you have mistyped.  One thing you might consider adding to your donor wish list is educational level of donor. People often consider this important in giving a child the best start in life. RL


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Ya,

For me it was not ethnicity as much as access to lots of information about the donor.  Cryos (in Denmark) is one of the only banks that allows you access to the whole donor profile without paying for it.  You get to see baby photos, read why the donor has chosen to donate and they have an Open ID donor programme which was really important to me.  They then add the fee in for the donor information after you've chosen so you still pay for it you just don't pay up front.  I like to know what I'm buying  before I stump up the cash*laugh*. 

I used a donor from Cryos and the donor was American.  (I am too) 

You don't need to go to the clinic country for insemination.  I shipped donor sperm from Denmark to Czech for my insemination.  It was simple and a whole heck of a lot cheaper than doing it in the UK! 

Kind Regards,

Dawn


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks all and sorry for my typos.

I'm thinking of going with London women's clinic and they are happy for me to use their bank or import.  Getting the right donor is so important to me, it just blows my mind that my decisions now will affect my child for the rest of their life.  I too have been really impressed by what I've seen and read of Danish culuter and would like to get to know more about it.

Richmondlass: my concerns about donor nationality and ethinicy are two fold.  1stly nationality tends to be pretty importnant around here.  You can buy baby grows saying 50% welsh 50% english or 100% welsh 100% cute from when their born  and being Welsh is considered important from then on.  I don't know how my child would feel about haivng another nationality in their heritage if they saw it that way.  Maybe they would think it was cool!  Also I would like it if the child didn't look obviouly different from my family.  You can be caucasion and still look obviously not British.

Strangly enough education level is just something I'm not really worried about at all.  I don't mind if my child goes to uni or not.  I don't think I'm smarter than my firends who didn't go to uni.  Maybe some of them are smarter not to have paid for three years of education in a field I don't work in! I think education is more nurture than nature and the child would ceritanly have plenty of examples of degrees in my family!

Thanks Dawn I will defintly check out Cryos.  I'm hoping to be treated in the UK, I'm not as adventures as you abrodie ladies!


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## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Some confusion here methinks.  Nationality is simply the place you are born - or choose to live.  It sometimes (but not always) is linked with culture.  Last time I looked there was no chromosome carrying the culture gene or genes.  But then maybe I'm wrong as I remember RL posting about her little boy who has Spanish donors about his stamping and growling at bulls in the field and love of the warmth.

Good luck with your choices.

Wizard x

(I'm imminently about to give birth to a double Czech donor baby.  I'm so hoping they like dumplings as I love them and it would make mealtimes so much easier)


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Hi Silverbird...I'm not sure I can help you much with your dilemma because I used anon donor sperm from my Czech clinic, but I just wanted to say that I don't really think of my son as half Czech and half British. He is 100% British because he was born here and will be raised here by a British mum! Of course when he is old enough he will know the story of his conception and if he wants to visit the Czech Republic i'll gladly take him there. But really the fact that the donor is not of British origin had/has no bearing to me.


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## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

I had no choice whatsoever when it came to a donor. The small local clinic had their own bank, which for a year was closed due to lack of donors, so I sat and waited whilst my biological clock boomed. Then I was called to say they had a donor with the same hair colour and that was it !!! I said yes (E ended up with my eyes anyway). I'm really glad I didn't have to choose! it somehow felt better this way. I would never have been able to come to a decision and it would have reminded me of my hideous experiences internet dating  Too much information can lead to unrealistic expectations, as shown in the recent film where parents created this fantasy image of the donor that didn't match the reality. Subsequently I have received a huge amount of extra information by contacting the HFEA including a lengthy letter. Some minor details may have make me reject the donor (eg his age) I'm sooooooo glad I didn't know it all in advance. It was kind of nice to have it afterwards  . I do agree that the child will probably want as much info as possible and I was very keen to use an identity release donor. I think having another nationality is incredibly cool! I'd love to go visiting Czech or Spain with E (instead of Eastbourne  )

Wizard - I remember RL's post, it always makes me  the thought of baby G stamping at those bulls and I'm sure he's developing a predilection for castanets  .

Upsyxxx


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## Bambiboo (Oct 23, 2009)

Hi Silverbird

I got my sperm from ESB.  They were brilliant.

My donor isn't Danish - he is American and therefore English speaking.  I have a letter from him in English etc.

When choosing (after minimum height and ethncity) I went for the donor that most sounded like a nice guy.  Therefore my donor is married, same job as me and older.  I thought if baby wants to trace him one day he sounded like a nice guy doing it for good reasons rather than a 18y/o student who donated to earn some cash who may get a shock in 18 years when a child comes knocking!!

The other thing with sperm from ESB is that I have lots of information for baby to have including a baby photo and audio interview.  Im very happy with my choice and if I did it again I would use known sperm from ESB.  In UK you get so little information before 18 and a child needs something before then - in my opinion.

Good luck x 

ps I had my treatment in UK, had the sperm shipped over as I wasn't happy with my clinic's waiting times for sperm.


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies.  I think I've been making the whole nationality thing a bigger deal than it is.  I feel part Welsh even though I wasn't born here and neither were my parents.  I just keep thinking of how the child will feel as they get older, what info would they want? But I can't know that.

The other issue with a donor from abroad is whether it would be harder to contact donor siblings or one day the donor himself.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

silverbird,

re the Welsh side of things I think if you bring your child up in Wales and instill in him or her a sense of 'welshness' (whatever that may be!), then I'm sure he or she will feel Welsh regardless of where the sperm donor comes from
as others have said, nationality/cultural belonging is not about your genes but about where you live and your immediate environment

re contacting donor and half sibs, suspect it would be easier with a UK donor (or US) but even then no guarantee as 18yrs is a long time - people move, die etc...

what data there is suggests that children want as much info as possible about the donor, and this probably includes the ability to contact them when they get older - however to date relatively limited research has been done on this so there is not too much data available as yet

best of luck, I do think it helps to try and look at it differently to choosing a partner, otherwise you can tie yourself up in knots trying to find the 'best' donor - at the end of the day the best one is the one which gets you pregnant!
so many characteristics are either not inherited, or there is no guarantee that they will be - a donor who loves music, football and literature does not guarantee you a child who loves the same    

good luck
Suitcase
x


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