# Tips for having a Happy Christmas



## Moretolife (May 16, 2010)

Hopefully I won't be lynched for bringing up chrimbo as I know many coping with infertility find it tough and don't appreciate it being bought up as early as few days after November 5th!   But although this is a forum for members to offload their thoughts and feelings about what their struggling with I thought there might be a few members who would find it helpful to have a shared resource of ideas that can make it more enjoyable, help cope with some of the more difficult aspects and see that they certainly aren't alone with their emotions. 

I have always loved xmas and for me I saw it as something I refused to have lost through the infertility. It was a hard struggle over a number of years where family angst caused a lot of tears and pain, and a lot of grieving for the many things I was so looking forward to sharing with a family of my own. But I felt if I could hold on to my love of xmas - something I don't see as an occasion for kids but is a really emotionally charged event - then it showed I wasn't beaten, I will have always retained that part of myself through the difficulties and is something I feel proud of myself about. It hasn't been without its trauma though and thats why I thought it be helpful to be able to support each other as we each wanted a family xmas and have to find our own way through that loss and the reminders that the holidays bring.

One of the number one small annoyances that creeps its way into our front rooms uninvited is the xmas ads! Some I like, some I can forgive but others, especially for the supermarkets and stores are at best annoying and unimaginative and at worst cause a stab of loss and pain with their supermum and perfect family ideal they portray The best solution I've found is sky+ everything so I can avoid all adverts that would irritate. I do this a lot anyway but make a point of it in the run up to xmas. The same can be done on ti-vo and digi-record boxes. Rather than get het up about it you can then simply show the contempt you have by fast forwarding. Plus it frees up more time   

I have resolved the family angst this year by stepping in early. I won't go into my family history as my posts are long enough   but suffice to say I haven't always had an understanding or close family putting it mildly and there is a degree of manipulation that goes on as my parents, understandably, just want everyone together. I always found it too difficult to see my nephews and my brother wasn't understanding or sympathetic and although I now see the children on occasion me and dh still feel it would be too painful and set us back to spend xmas day/boxing day with a full on family scene. So I have been open and honest again and said how much it would help if they could understand its too much for us and and over the years it seems the message has gone in and they haven't taken umbrage to us choosing to spend xmas day just the two of us. It isn't easy putting yourself first especially with the expectation of xmas and maybe isn't feasible for everyone but we do really need to consider our own wellbeing. The short-lived disappointment of others can be versus a ruined xmas and deep depression for someone else in a vulnerable state. I still want to spend some of the holidays with my family, I just feel that seeing all of them together (like the tv ad!) gets me into a negative state where I lose sight of what I have and start focusing on what I don't. Its just too intense so I avoid doing it to myself. I did one year and I said I never would again until or if I ever felt able.  

I think it helped that I wasn't showing resentment that the rest of the family will be spending the day together at my brothers. We're all making compromises and in the past that would have really hurt as I had in my head a fixed idea that it wouldn't be xmas unless spending it in a group and that there was something sad about it being the two of us. But what has helped me personally is organising several really xmassy things to do with friends in the run up to xmas especially the week before so that by the time we get to xmas day and boxing day I'm grateful for having a quieter relaxed time. That may just be me as I have M.E and so my health can't take anymore!! but its definitely worth a try. Just to have the family stuff sorted out is a relief and to have stood up for what is best for us rather than be guilted and pushed into what is difficult feels I've taken control. Nothing is worse than feeling helpless as you've agreed to something that you're dreading as you know from experience its just too much for you.

So for xmas day we can wake have a champagne breakfast and open the pressies, we live by the Downs so a short stroll is lovely, then put the xmas lunch on and curl up with xmas telly, bottle wine and choccies. Or if we're feeling a bit more energetic (rare for me sadly) we play the wii or get the games out. The point being its an adult-orientated day that we can enjoy, we're not rejecting it but making the most of the parts that we enjoy. So the xmas music and films go on and I make as much effort dressing the table as if I had people coming. I love putting the trees and decs up (I have three  ) so that our home feels welcoming.

Rather than just seeing xmas an as one day I view it as a run up and something that lasts from xmas eve through to new year. I know thats a hellish idea for some people who prefer to see it as one day and that makes it more manageable. But by taking the massive expectation of xmas day I can enjoy seeing family on different days. So this year we're taking my mum and dad to lunch xmas eve then a xmas show (seeing Scrooge the Musical at the Palladium  ) and open the presents at ours in the evening (hence I'm going to exhausted xmas day anyway!!). That means for me that I don't feel excluded (even though its me indirectly doing the excluding - I see it more as self preservation and embracing our new life!). 

Starting new traditions has been a good one. I always have thought of the little rituals that we would share with our own children and I have had to grieve them but starting ones of our own has been very therapeutic and fun. So each year dh and I go with a friend to the Royal Albert Hall to a  feel good xmas carol concert where we get to sing along with a sell out audience. It feels good as well to include my friend as she is divorced and has no children so finds it hard in her own right and I know she appreciates being included and sees it as 'our thing'. Then there's little traditions like watching a xmas film with a glass of baileys with dh xmas eve and exchanging one small gift early. Singing carols out on the green which our neighbours have organised for over 35 years. We all out of tune under the street light so can see song sheets but it feels good   

Some years we've wanted to go away for part of the holidays and spa breaks or golf breaks are great idea for adult only breaks, Ragdale Hall is expensive and not been able to afford it for a while but they do a good deal between boxing day and new years eve or Champney's or Warner adult only shortbreaks if want to enjoy adult company for a while. We usually do a spa day over holidays so we can have some pampering in an adult only environment. I think it does the soul good not to have families under your nose too much if you're feeling a little vulnerable. Private cinemas -there are plenty in cities - are a good way of going to enjoy a xmas film without lots of kids being noisy, they tend to be at the local multiplex. So for example last year we went to see Its a Wonderful life (best xmas film ever  ) with dinner at the Covent Garden Hotel which has a private cinema and not as expensive as you would think and not a child or family in sight (in fact I had Mark Owen from Take That next to me which was a nice bonus  

A friend I've made through a childfree group on meetup.com (a good way to meet new childfree (childless) people) are having an early xmas day out of a spa treatment, cheap deal on groupon, and then afternoon tea which will give us a fun, girly day out which isn't family orientated. I think it helps to focus us on the good stuff, as the life we fought so long for for is bandied around a lot at xmas. 

I'm not well enough to do clubs, noisy pubs and parties, fortunately I did them when I was younger, but I'm sure there are lots of of other great ideas for things to do that don't force families upon you unless you choose it and I'm sure there are lots of helpful things that other members can think of us to help us through the difficult moments, or family/friend strife or just help pick us when get the blues. As I say its an emotional time and I'm sure even the happiest of us have a few wobbles.

I believe we all deserve a happy xmas rather than just trying to get through (although I think we've all been there) so anything that might help..
Mtl x


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Thankyou for posting this, lots of great ideas. Great to hear there are child free meet up groups, think I'll look into joining something like that as would be nice to have some friends.


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

We have already planned our Christmas this year, as it is my stepchildrens year to be with their mom. And to be honest, the more I think and talk about it, the more I am looking forward to it.
Usually, our christmas is hectic and busy, and we rarely have a chance to enjoy Christmas specials, and films.
Well this year we are doing it.
Saturday before Christmas we have planned to go to the German market in Birmingham, eat some nice food and have a drink or 2 (with no children).  Sunday evening we are going to Carols by Candlelight at our church, which is wonderful every year. Christmas Eve, we are having a day in the house, cooking breakfast, chilling in front of the tv with chocolates, and having a takeaway.  Christmas Day lunch will be with just my parents, which will be lovely.  So we have planned our time.xxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

For all none of us want to think about it quite so early, I think the fact that the shops are playing christmas music and the ads have started, means we can´t avoid it any longer. That painful time of year is upon us so I think its a great idea to start sharing our tips.


We´ve been expats abroad for longer than we were trying to start a family so our christmas´ haven´t involved family for a long time, although this year is our first year knowing we´ll always be a family of 2 so I know its going to hurt just a wee bit more.


As daylight is such a precious thing at this time of year, we eat our christmas dinner in the evening so as not to waste the daylight by being stuck inside. It also has the advantage of us being the only ones out and about in the morning. There is very little chance of bumping into kids trying out their new bikes if you head out for a walk beofre midday. We open presents and eat too much on christmas eve as thats tradition here. Christmas morning is yummy breakfast followed by fresh air and then a picnic or something. Then home to light the fire, cook dinner, drink wine and watch a movie or 2. Its nice. Its just the 2 of us but we are still a family. We don´t fight and we don´t get over tired and grumpy ....... whats not to enjoy  . Its not the dream we had, and their are those moments of sadness but we get through it. Last year we actually went to a spa hotel in the afternoon and had a bath together with champers and then had massages. I´m not sure things like that are open in the UK but they might be on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve. 


I like the idea of being busy in the lead up and I really like the reminder of the German markets coming soon.


Katxxx


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## Moretolife (May 16, 2010)

Some great ideas guys, making the most of the daylight is wise advice and yes xmas markets are a good idea - the ones I've been to haven't been massively family orientated as long as you avoid the likes of Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland which is nappy valley! If I'm feeling well enough I'm going to go Southbank xmas market as its open in the evenings so less young-child orientated and they are having a chocolate market  

Flow - you're tradition of Carols by Candelight sounds lovely, its the kind of thing that makes you feel part of a community. I think you've hit on a really important point there that the more you talk positively about it the more you enjoy it. Its a circular thing isn't it the more you do things that nurture you and bring pleasure the better you're mindset and the better your mindset the more you plan and look forward to doing things. 

There's always a risk from parents though who are silly enough to say to me that xmas is for children, I now reply that's very sad for you, maybe you need to be a big kid and that gets people thinking on how blinkered they have become (and thoughtless!). I know thats the type of comment that can sting a little.

I find it also helps to acknowledge what parts are still painful for me so I don't end up going too far the other way and plastering a happy face on all the time. I'm not big on baking but I do enjoy making a xmas cake each year. It was one of the things I always imagined doing with my child so I make sure its something I do with my mum instead. That can be a bit of a double edged sword at times as she doesn't seem to realise the meaning it has for me and effort I'm making, but if she ever declines then I will rope a friend in so its something that can be fun and a yearly ritual rather than the thing I don't have. I put the xmas music on, open a bottle of wine and then make some tea while cakes in oven, stops me focusing on the alternative and get that feel good factor. 

The biggie that gets me is not having lots of pressies under the tree and seeing my children's faces on xmas morning. I know this is a bit of an idealised scene and me remembering xmases with rose-tinted glasses when I was little. My way of making it feel better is putting a lot of effort into buying gifts for family and friends and making sure dh and I have quite a few small gifts for xmas mornings so we can enjoy it for ourselves, like we always happily did before infertility struck. I actually wrap empty boxes so it looks fuller and decorative under the tree but thats my little interior designer coming out as much as my inner child ;-) 

Related to that I avoid doing any xmas buying for children. This is an individual thing but I suspect if I did it then it would bother me so I either order something online off of a list or ask my mum to pick up presents for my nephews who are the only children in my life. I feel xmas shopping and wrapping should be fun not painful so thats certainly helped me not to be a martyr. I can enjoy picking out the perfect aromatherapy candle or coat for someone for example (and trying to avoid treating myself at the same time!) but the kiddie stuff is no fun at all for me. 

Kat - unfortunately I do get exhausted due to the M.E and dh gets grumpy as he burns the candle both ends going to a zillion work dos in the run up but you are so right for most of us we can avoid that frenzied, frazzled, hyperness that goes on in a lot of houses at xmas. I know some people miss that but personally I don't! It sounds like you know how to have a chilled out xmas 

Maisey - definitely take a look into the childfree groups. I'm gutted tonight as I'm meant to be out for drinks with mine tonight but I'm not feeling well enough, a nasty combination of my usual M.E symptoms, recovering from chest infection and a period from hell, someone up there doesn't like me!!!! Also had to turn down a charity ball that my dh was given tickets for late notice through work which looked really good fun. He's gone and they're putting him up at the Plaza hotel, Cinders doesn't get to go to the ball !!!! So just me and my puds tonight so thought it a good time to write my christmas present wish list  As I seem to be on the theme of christmas!

Mtl x


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

I was thinking that maybe if you book really last minute it might be possible to get cheap breaks away for Christmas. So many people have to trail round to see a million relatives so maybe if you can mobilize last minute there might be super cheap options. 

Mtl - I can't begin to tell you how jealous of the chocolate market I am ;-)


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## taylorlisa (Sep 11, 2011)

Hi all

I have cried my eyes out reading all these posts. I've been dreading Xmas this year. It's my 5th Xmas since we started trying. Each year we go and visit family that we only see once a year and each year I hope that by this time next year ill have a baby or be pregnant. Since my last treatment in April I now know that this will never happen. 

I had planned and dreamed of xmassy things to do with my little ones and now I know I will never do them. We spend each Xmas with our parents (luckily there are no other children present yet) but I like the idea of it just being us two. You have all posted some great ideas of here and I will be doing some of them. My husband suggested joining a group and has found the more to life group. As time goes on and more of my friends start families I think I will need friends like me. 

Thank you all
xx


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

Christmas can always seem to centre around children, but I agree with mtl, this isn't really the case.  Christmas is what you make it yourself.  Come like the traditions of christmas dinner, meeting up with family etc, others prefer to just have a quiet few days. I think what we have done is prepared things to do that we both enjoy, that desn't have to involve children.  However, my stepchildren are now all teenagers, so even they did come and stay they would probably sleep all morning and then be glued to their phones for the rest of the day.   
We are making Christmas about just the 2 of us this year.  It is something we have never done before, but I am very excited about. I can't wait for Christmas Eve, all snug and cosy in the house with a bottle of wine, some yummy food and cheesy christmas tv.    For Christmas, i would say, do what makes YOU happy. xxx


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## skypod (Nov 15, 2012)

Thanks so much for this post!  

We've only recently reached the need to move on point and I've been dreading Christmas, with the realisation that it's now just the two of us. We're going away this year and spending Christmas with the in-laws and no children, but then have to face the onslaught of a full-on family Christmas take two, which no-one seems to realise I don't really fancy this year (and saying so would just upset/offend other people, so I'm going to have to just grin and bear it).

I love all these ideas for traditions - we have some already when we spend Christmas at home, but I will have to come up with more for future years.


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## Shoegirl10 (Dec 24, 2011)

After what seems like a season I was going to dread due to no children - I am really looking forward to the festive season- cheesy musicals, films, eating what I want and getting up what time I want to!
My house looking lovely and festive (without children making a mess)

I dont feel that Christmas is about children - I feel its a season for all and a time to spend with love ones
It is also a time for me personally to buy some nice shoes   a nice dress   and get all glamed up  

London do some really good festive musicals, there are alos Ghost walks in the evening- the lights are out and shops are filled - the whole Christmas season is something I love with or without children!

Last year I was recovery from my laparoscopy and this year I end 2012 with 2 IVFS one BFP with a miscarriage and one BFN followed by being told I have high NK cells

2013 what it will bring I have no idea.........


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## Moretolife (May 16, 2010)

Great news if some of you are finding everyone's posts helpful and are starting to think what might make you happy for the holidays.

Flow, yours must be a more involved situation having step-children, I'm sure that must bring its own challenges but its fantastic that you're looking forward to xmas and making it your own this year. 

Its not by any means that I think we should be putting a brave face on it or pretending alls fantastic. I've had a few really painful christmas holidays during the years of IVF and after we stopped treatment where I felt lonely and lost and was grieving. I felt I wasn't living the life I was meant to or the one I wanted. I don't want to get caught in that every year, its a part of me, what we went through but I don't want xmas to symbolise all what I don't have, that would be too sad. Forcing ourselves into situations that make us unhappy and get us caught up in the 'grass is greener' thinking just make it worse but I'm sure we all have to weigh up the repercussions versus our own needs so Skypod you need to do what you feel is best but having things in place to support and lift you afterwards can make a big difference I always feel. 

I wonder how much the way we each felt about xmas pre-infertility influences how well we embrace it post-infertility (for want of a better term!) Myself and a friend of mine in the same situation are working our way back to enjoying it as it was important to us before so the loss would be yet another loss connected to infertility if we couldn't find a way to be part of it - if that makes sense. 

My dh and I are going through a difficult time again (he is a classic head in the sand, buries his emotions and finds it hard to communicate type of guy) whereas I'm the total opposite, I need to talk about how I feel and want to know how he feels and communication is everything for me so that I can feel we're connecting. This is an on-going issue tested sorely by infertility and health problems. At the moment - due to my health taking a turn for the worse and recent deaths in the family - this tension has become more strongly felt again. In turn this has really made me question my expectations about xmas and especially our time together and how realistic they are. I feel making it too much about the two of us heightens my expectations and the disappointment that can come sets me back. This is in no way to dump on anyone's parade who are looking forward to making the holidays about them and their partner!! Thats not where I'm going with this as I think it is a wonderful thing! 

But I wonder how many others feel the same way, that their expectations can become too high? If you are lucky enough to have an open, passionate partner who really loves making an effort then I doubt its as much of a problem. I'm not doing my husband down, he has some amazing qualities and I do love him dearly but he can switch off and be thoughtless and I can look for him to make more effort than might be fair which can lead to disappoint and this can lead back to its not enough, it being the two of us.  

Managing my expectations is becoming a big part of how happy my xmasses are (and other times of the year for that matter!). Needing it to be ideal between us so we have a fantastic alternative to a family xmas tends to fall down if dh puts the telly on and falls asleep on me    Don't get me wrong he makes a lot more effort these days but still I find my expectations can be too raised and thats the single biggest factor in getting me down about the cards we've been dealt as hours before (him falling asleep after xmas lunch for example) I would be perfectly happy and content.

No easy answer to that one I know, and I suspect I'm far from the only person who does it, but I'm working on it especially this year. So making sure I have lovely things planned with friends in the run up is one thing I'm doing to take the pressure off and reminding me I do actually have other people in my life, whilst also organising a couple of things for dh and I that we can do together so that there is light-hearted fun (and hopefully I will remember that if my temper flares if he becomes engrossed in his i-touch rather than at least chatting to me if not helping me prepare xmas lunch   ) I think part of why its such a problem is personal to my situation as my M.E limits my options so time at home together is something that happens a lot and can be taken for granted and feel mundane. I suppose what I need is for my dh to try and inject more feeling into it like I try to do but of course the one thing you can never do is change someone who doesn't want to change! 

So if anyone else has the same issue about managing their expectations about their partner/family/friends over the xmas period it be nice to hear from you. Any advice on how you cope with it would be good    As you can probably see from my posts I'm very good at coming up with ideas of fun things to do, good at setting traditions, have become much better through lots of counselling at resolving conflict and looking after my own needs but this one is definietly a work in progress! 

I feel we achieved a really lovely balance last xmas day so it is possible but it feels fragile. Spending more time with friends and doing my own thing a lot more this year is my way of trying to make the time we spend together more precious. To be fair we have spent 17 xmasses together already so familiarity can set in! When its just the two of you I believe it takes more effort to keep the sparkle, I'm not saying those with kids get the sparkle - far from it usually! - but they have other people to focus on and spend time with. Whereas it just being dh and me, I feel more effort is required so it doesn't feel flat. Is that just me?    

Bit of a deep and meaningful one today    Feel free to skip over but I wonder how many others feel something similiar.. Its like out of Sex and the City 2, its always going to be just the two of them and she wants to see more of Mr Sparkle how he is when out with other people, instead of getting Mr Takeout Guy at home too much! 

Mtl x


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## buggles (May 24, 2012)

What a wonderful and honest post, moretolife. I totally get where you are coming from.

Advice for coping - you sound like you have already done a lot of work around meeting your own needs, so I won't go on about that. Going out with friends is a great idea. One thing I do with my partner who sounds similar to yours is, if we go on holiday or one of those occasions where I'm thinking things will be 'special', I make sure that there is something he is really looking forward to that will excite him and get his eyes shining. Sometimes this is easier than others!

Also I spend some time reflecting on my partners numerous good qualities and return to this every time I start to feel frustrated or let down. So for instance ok he might not wrap up loads of little presents and put them round the house in a treasure hunt for me! but every winter without fail he clears snow off our elderly neighbours steps and checks daily if they need anything from the shops. On reflection what kind of man would I rather have. (As you say, congrats to the people who get both!)

Lastly I think many people with children get these feelings tenfold as they have a partner who isn't that bothered and then teenagers that could care less and want to be out with their mates instead of stuck inside playing charades. Really the magic of christmas for children lasts a few short years and then you are back to where we are now.

I know this sounds daft mtl but you have put my life in a nutshell there. I will think of you on christmas day x


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## Moonshadow_73 (Feb 17, 2012)

I too get where you're coming from MTL. Christmas can be tough enough when coping with infertility but I do find me and hb have very different expectations of what Christmas will be about. He loves to be sociable and sees Christmas as a time to catch up with friends, usually with beer in hand. 10 years ago I would have agreed, but 10 years ago none of my friends had children. Now they do, whereas hb's friends neither have nor want children.

We also always have to see his parents for Christmas Day. He grew up in South Africa but moved to the UK with his parents and youngest sister in the 80's. 3 of his sister's live in the States and the youngest moved to NZ so the onus is on us to make sure they're not alone on Christmas Day. The chances of us having Christmas Day for just the two of us is zilch. I miss seeing my family but as we don't live near either set of parents it's not easy to get round. This year we're taking hb's parents to mine (fortunately they live in a reasonably large house); the last 2 year's the in-laws have come to stay with us and it's been so, so hard.

I would love to find a balance that works for us but for the past couple of years it's felt like a bit of a battle. I would love to have some time for just the two of us, going for a walk followed by a nice meal etc. If I suggest this it usually ends up being an open invitation to his friends, which inevitably turns into a long night in the pub, or an inpromptu session at someone's house. I feel like I'm stifling him by asking him to spend time with just me, I guess I would just love for him to want to.

Crikey, I didn't quite mean to pour all this out and I don't mean to make hb sound awful, he does have some great qualities and is generally a very loving, patient man. I just worry that we want different things and that this extends beyond just Christmas.


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Moonshadow, how about booking a break for just the two of you between Christmas and New Year, sure you can find a hotel somewhere away from his mates (a cottage in the middle of nowhere if all else fails!). Am imagining my husband prob has similar thoughts to you as I have always insisted on Christmas being a family thing and since mum died my dad will be involved forever more, (until he tells us to get lost!) He did manage to get Christmas without family one year by booking a holiday though, perhaps kidnapping your husband in a similar way will work toox


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## Moretolife (May 16, 2010)

Thanks Buggles for your reply - there is always someone with whom our feelings resonates with and thats somehow reassuring to know. It is particularly wise words to reflect on what our partners good qualities are and the positive things they do. It sounds blindingly obvious doesn't it but actually quite a hard thing to focus on I find. I've got very caught up in what I feel is missing from my husband - the communication, the making the effort, consistency I guess and this has been really highlighted through the years of infertility and illness and at particular times like xmas, birthdays, anniversaries. As a result I'm use to the feelings of frustration, disappointment and resentment that I can feel towards him at times and this really overshadows me being able to recognise and appreciate what he does do which is a bit of a spiral really. 

I have really been working on mindfulness techniques this year to stop me getting carried away with my thoughts and taking them alls so seriously and to stop me comparing things with other people or reading too much into things - all the sort of things that makes infertility so much more painful   but I haven't really thought about how much I automatically I focus in on these problem areas with my husband. And of course when you're doing that its impossible to find the nice thoughts and feelings about what he does do. I had a chat with him last weekend about all this and we each said how we feel and what it is we need. So he's going to try and remember how much I appreciate it when he makes an effort and shows some excitement and I'm in turn going to try and accept that he isn't a massively gregarious person (you would think I would know this after over 16 years together  ) and appreciate the things that he does do that I haven't always rated as most important in the past. Its always going to be a matter of finding compromises and balance when you have two different personality types together but I think we both have fallen into some bad habits.

I think he has taken it all on board too, its just a question for him of not slipping back into lazier habits. So we both yesterday really enjoyed the little thing of bundling up and taking a walk over the Downs and singing xmas songs - well as much of the words as we could remember!) and then warming up in the pub and sitting chatting generally. For me things like that bring a sense of closeness and fun and they do for him too, its just he slips into grumpy old man mode quite often and doesn't want to do it and then I tend to think you would if you had kids wanting to do it and that brings a sense of lack which is crazy really. Obviously thats just one example but you get what I mean, maybe   

So I know for me its about stopping comparing how he/we may be if we had kids and simply recognising with or without them there are times he can be a grumpy sod but as you say recognising the other qualities that I don't focus on as they aren't the ones that are missing! Just recognising as well that sometimes my expectations are too high for anyone and unobtainable which isn't helpful. 

It was interesting when I asked him what I could organise or what we could be doing that he would really like to do and he said I don't know really and after a moment's thought mentioned lots of different things we already do that he enjoys. So I suggested maybe he needs to be a bit more expressive and show he enjoys them and I agreed I need to stop pushing him to express himself   So thank you for your thoughts if you're still reading my ramblings they were very useful.  Sounds like we have a lot in common and I in turn will think of you xmas day with glass in hand  

Moonshadow - I think there are many of us struggling with expectations. I suppose we're more in a position to focus and work on them when its just the two of us. That can be a good thing of course but not easy. Family life makes for a great distraction to relationship problems but that isn't a good thing long term of course. The whole wider family thing is a difficult one. I've often felt it the other way that my dh doesn't have any family that bothers and although we spend some time with my family I feel I've missed not having a larger family unit. Well technically I have a reasonably sized family as does dh but most are off radar. It goes to show that the problem itself is quite neutral but how we each feel about it that matters. I've spent some recent past xmas' feeling disappointed we didn't have wider family to enjoy spending xmas with and friends who were available and its taken time to adjust and enjoy it being mostly the two of us. Whereas you have to live with your partners expectation that it has to be with family and other people and just want it to be the two of you for once. Can only advise sitting down and having an honest conversation about how you feel and what it is you need. It may well still involve his family but hopefully more balance with time for just the two of you as well.

I've been feeling a bit more philosophical lately, had yet another family funeral this week and been waiting for test results to come back to rule out ovarian cancer (very relieved to say blood test shows fine just have scan to go next week) and that can give these lightbulb moments of clarity. The trick I feel is keeping hold of them! 

Amongst the emotional and difficult moments of occasions like christmas, it can also give a chance to see little moments that maybe you have 'moved on' a little and they should be recognised for the landmarks they are. So I have found for example that as much as one or two xmas ads irritate me as they so rubbish, none are pushing my buttons like they have in the past, it just isn't there for me this year which is progress   I still don't like watching ads very often so sky+ everything so I can forward them but that isn't because its upsetting me now. It would be easy to overlook that and simply react to something else but I find it helps to notice as it gives me a sense of things shifting over time. 

Now two doors into my ferro roche advent calendar and feeling festive  

Mtl x


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## Moonshadow_73 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hey all

MTL - I'm also trying to embrace Mindfulness and so far have found it a really useful way to just reconnect with life. To begin with I put too much pressure on myself to achieve something through Mindfulness, I wanted it to give me inner peace so that I could gracefully glide through all of life's ups and downs! Now I recognise that it's more about just being in the moment, whatever that moment is. Often that brings with it a sense of calm and peace, even when being in the moment sometimes stirs up feelings of sadness. I'm trying to carry out an activity each day Mindfully, whether it's drinking my (herbal, of course!) tea, or walking in to work. It's amazing how much more I notice and it just seems to quieten down that inner turmoil.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. I think it's great that you had chance to talk to your hb. It sounds like you both got something from that and perhaps it can change your perspective a little. I know how easy it is to focus on what you don't feel you get from hb - I know I have a tendency to do that! It can be helpful to take a step back and remember all their good qualities. I read about a Mindfulness exercise which was about focussing on all the things you're grateful for. It can feel a bit of a challenge but it helps me bring things into perspective and sometimes I adapt it to focussing on the good qualities my hb has (again, this can be a challenge  ). It's also great that you can recognise that you're in a different place to where you maybe were previously, that Christmas ads are more an irritation that a source of upset. I see Christmas ads as an excuse to go and put the kettle on and raid the biscuit tin  

Maisy - I like the idea of a break but I think I'll have to accept it won't happen over Christmas. I feel a little calmer about Christmas this year now we're going to my parents. I just find my in-laws hard work, they're quite demanding and his mum likes to get her own way, so having more people around will help. I think I'll suggest it for in the new year, it'll give us some time together after all business of Christmas.

It's been a difficult few days in a lot of ways. We had our review on Friday following our latest failed cycle. Although it felt positive in some ways it just brings home again how much anyone going through IF treatment has to endure, physically and emotionally. It seems to be hitting hb a lot harder at the minute too. He's full of sadness but also scared about what the future will hold, whatever route our life takes. Not having children saddens him, the thought of having them scares him. It's unsettling; although we've talked I worry he's holding back so as not to upset me. 

I guess it's just a poignant time of year and one where it's hard not to reflect. The last few years have been dominated with IF and I know I've lost sight of life outside of IF. I've made a promise to myself, and to him, that I'll let go a little more and try and have a bit more fun. I owe that much to both of us We made a good start on that yesterday - headed up into the Cheviots, in the snow and tramped about in the hills. A carrier bag became an impromptu sledge and we had great fun until we wore a hole in it!

Coming here and sharing thoughts and feelings helps. Big hugs to you all


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