# Letting some feelings out - sorry long post!



## aubergine07 (Oct 26, 2010)

Well, I need to get how I’m feeling down somehow, and I don’t have a diary on here, so I thought I would post in here, seeing as we ended with a negative cycle.  Sorry in advance as it’s a long one, and I don’t blame anyone for not bothering to read.  Its just a chance for me to get how I’m feeling out, so don’t feel you have to!

Yesterday had a scan 1 day before 8 week pregnancy, following 2nd IVF.  Sadly though the scan showed no heartbeat and the embryo measuring that of a 6 week embryo instead of an 8 week one.  Tomorrow I have an ERPC, where they will remove the pregnancy and send it off for testing to see if there are any reasons.  This will be our 3rd miscarriage.  The first 2 following natural pregnancies about 4 years ago.

We can’t quite believe this is happening.  Having had the first 2 miscarriages, we were being quite realistic, but we’d also been trying to be positive.  So although I wasn’t getting carried away with being pregnant, we were picturing good news at the scan, me being pregnant etc.  

We had 6 weeks of cautious happiness, within what has been 6 years of sadness (though with many happy moments from other things).  And now we’re back where we started.  I feel like a fool, cheated, stupid to have ever believed it may’ve happened for us.  

I’ve wasted 6 years of my life in a kind of limbo land – no longer living the life I led before, with friends who aren’t ready to have families, as not drinking, and saving money for all that this brings.  But also not joining the life that my friends who have started families lead.  

I hardly go out anymore.  We stay in and watch T.V. every night.  On the one hand its my escapism, loosing myself in programmes and other peoples lives – either fiction or reality.  On the other hand its not me!  I’m a social person – not a wild night out kind of girl, but I like to be doing.  Instead I sit on the sofa night after night for comfort, and have neighbour envy, as I hear them come in late evening most nights, thinking they are living their life (in reality, I have no idea what they are really up to!)

I only ever seem to bring bad news to people.  I guess I was lucky to be able to tell my parents I got the BFP, but then how cruel to now have to take that away.  It felt so good hearing the happiness in their voices, seeing my DP whoop for joy, then cautiously smile anytime we dared mention it.  Now I just see the tears, and the sadness again.

The scary thing is is that this feels the norm.  I’m back to where I was, but instead of it being an unusual scary place, its like, “well I’m back here again”.  Am so used to being miserable!  Surely that’s not healthy, or a good place to be!  Am scared of what the winter will bring to – am not very good with dark, cold early mornings, and won’t have the same support I had last year in my job.  Am scared of my DP slipping back into the depression he had March and April (though we made sure the Dr didn’t record it as such.  At the time we were thinking adoption may be a strong possibility).

I just want to move on, but also don’t want to give up.  Its too early to be thinking about what we do next, but I do know that I am scared and dreading going through another cycle, which we will inevitably do after having been able to achieve another pregnancy, and being told by the “experts” that 3 miscarriages is just a “cruel coincidence” We’ll get more tests done now with the recurrent miscarriage dept at our NHS hospital, though I just can’t see at the moment what this might bring.  To be honest I can’t see us ever being successful, and almost always knew in my heart that I just won’t ever be able to have children of my own.  But for all our sakes I guess I need to know I’ve done everything I can before finally moving on.

I know that what I have said here will’ve been felt by many others.  I’m not unique (sadly) and in many ways I am very grateful, as I am lucky in many ways.  I have a wonderful DP, and we still love each other very much.  As long as I have him I will always be ok in the end.  I’ve been thinking about it, and I reason that everyone has to go through something bad in their lives.  I don’t think I know anyone who has had a perfect life where everything has always been ideal.  So I guess this is our cross to bear.  Doesn’t make it any easier really, but trying to find ways of making it easier and this is just one I suppose.

Anyway, I've gone on enough.  ERPC tomorrow, and then hope to move on somehow.


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## Loulou32 (Sep 20, 2010)

Aubergine Darling... I am sooooo sorry for your loss Hun, my heart goes out to you my old cycle buddies friend.  Nothing I can say will make is any easier, but I wanted to send you some more hugs, and I am here if you need to talk, scream, rant or cry.    
Lou.x


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## jamaicababytrying (Jun 29, 2010)

So sorry to hear of your news, as Lou said there is nothing anyone can say to make it better, and as you said unfortunately you are not unique but i doesn't make it any easier... All i can say is take the time to heal, cry, scream, get drunk do whatever but grieve and you are lucky to have a loving relationship.

Loads of hugs


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## amyb (Aug 6, 2008)

Hi Hon!!!!!!!!!!!

Am so sorry and believe me I know what you are going through. Just gone through 4th ivf and went through excatly what you are going through. I was so upset and thought why does god put us through false glimmer of hope and only to snatch it away and would have been better from the word go to be negative. I suppose we have tried and who knows what the future has in store for us. Just be strong. so sorry!!!!!!!


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## Turtle13 (Mar 10, 2011)

Hi Aubergine

I'm so so sorry about the situation that you are in.  I've just had my third and final round of IVF fail after five years of tests and trying.  It's heartbreaking.  I know that things will get better and life will still be good, but right now it's a time to grieve, and shout and be angry.  I'll be thinking about you.  Wishing you lots of strength to get through the next few days and weeks.  Love lisa xx


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## miraclex2 (Apr 6, 2006)

Aubergine I am so very very sorry, I could have wrote this post a few years ago    I just want to give you a big hug hunny, life is so unfair at times. Time is a great healer probably not what you want to hear right now though. Big hugs sweetheart xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I am so so sorry. X x


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## bestbean (Oct 4, 2010)

Aubergine, I was so sorry to hear your news.  I met you briefly on the June and July thread when our quieter thread merged and felt I really had to contact you to say how sorry I was  .  Its happened to us also on our 1st cycle and it is the cruelest result, the BPF don't mean as much and you daren't dare to dream and become too excited.  It sounds as if you have an amazing partner and I   that you draw strength from each other over the next few weeks.  Its too early to think about next steps, just try and recover slowly and be gentle with yourselves, start to try and bring in things you enjoy doing together again, and take time to grieve.  I pray that they can give you some idea about why this happens but I think there are things that we will just never understand.  I'm sure you have a great life in all other aspects and you'll  be able to appreciate it soon.  I'll be thinking of you today and hope the bank holiday brings you some happiness   xxx


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## katreekingsbury (Jul 30, 2011)

Hi Aubergine.

i just wanted to  say i am sorry to hear this.    to u and DP.

(im sending u a personal messgae..so look in inbox)

im sorry today is an awful day for u.. more


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## aubergine07 (Oct 26, 2010)

Ladies, thank you so much for all your replies.  I wasn’t really expecting any, as this post was an opportunity to get some feelings out.  It really helped to do it, and I’ve had the added bonus of such lovely supportive messages from you all.  It really does bring a tear to my eye at how there are so many wonderful ladies on this site, and I just wish you could have your dreams come true as you all so deserve it!

I had plans this morning of doing lots of things today to distract myself, but have ended up on this site for the last couple of hours!  Has been a good distraction though, and I mean to carry on with the distraction tactics.  I am going to get on with that hoovering I’ve been scared to do the last few weeks!  Doesn’t matter now!  Exciting stuff eh?!

Just to say, had the ERPC yesterday and it was a horrible day.  DP wasn’t allowed on the ward with me. Had a little cry when I got there, and when I came to from GA, but otherwise ok. No pain now either which is very lucky I would’ve thought.

Coweyes – I see you’re going to be starting at Lister in Sept – that’s where we were.  Everyone is lovely there, though it is strange how you see a different person every time.  We had the same lady scanning us though, so that was nice.

Turtle – I hope you are ok and I don’t know what you have planned now, but I wish you all the luck with whatever you have decided.

Anyway, I've rambled on again!  Thanks again.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hugs aubergine07 x x x


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## lola33 (May 17, 2011)

Aubergine- I am so very sorry about your m/c   everything that you said in your post reminds me so much of how I'm feeling at the moment. I found out yesterday that my first cycle was unsuccessful   I only found out about my fertility issues 6 months ago and have not been neerly through as much as you have, but aleady find it very, very hard to deal and as you were saying, i dont feel like doing much anymore and just want to stay at home, i have always been very social, but not anymore. My DP is supportive, but I feel that I will leave him if I can't get PG, I don't want to take his chance of having children away from him. I'm really trying to find something positive to focus on at the moment, but I can't. I want to wish you and your DH  best of luck with whatever your next step will be, you are such a strong lady 

Xx


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## rachel petch (Sep 7, 2010)

Hi Aubergine, i know exactly what your going through hunny   for you!!!. You both need to greive in your own ways, for me i spent about 6 months just getting drunk, either at home or out, it did nt matter, our marriage was suffering, my husband also had depression around April time....... it was awful. However, i m much better now and so is my hubby, and have decided to have another shot at it!!! Seeing the consultant 13 Oct so hopefully start tx before xmas. You will be fine, you will, we are much stronger than we think! Hard to believe at this moment in time!!! xxxxx Im here if you need anything just PM me!!!! xxxx


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## aubergine07 (Oct 26, 2010)

Thought I'd pop back and put a bit of an update.  It helped writing this post last time, and seeing as things have gone from bad to worse, I thought writing an update might help again.  Warning, there may be a bit TMI!

I had the ERPC 19 days ago.  They said if I was still bleeding to call my Drs.  During the 2 weeks, I'd not really bled a lot, so thought I'd been quite lucky, then on day 14, in the morning, I woke up in pain, and the bleeding started to get heavier.  This carried on, but the pain was on and off, so I didn't think it much of a problem, and as I couldn't get hold of anyone on the number I'd been given on the Friday, and it was then the weekend, I thought I'd be ok and it was just settling down.  Also, I'm a teacher, and we were told at the end of last week that we had the governement inspectors in on the Monday and Tuesday, so I thought I'd better just get on.  But on the Monday morning I had lots of pain.  Somehow, managed to get into school, and wait until the end of the day to get to the hospital for a scan, where I was told that they hadn't got all the "products" at the ERPC.  Long story short, ended up miscarrying that night - so had to go through the pain as well as having the ERPC    Also one of the reasons we had the ERPC was because it was our 3rd mc, they were going to send it off for tests.  As it turned out, they didn't get anything at the 1st ERPC.  I managed to take it in, so I hope they can still test on it, but its so late now.  I just can't believe they missed it!

Now I'm at home.  Having pushed myself to teach Monday, and yesterday morning so I didn't let my headteacher down (she's been so supportive), I now feel like giving up on everything.  I had thought I would go into school tomorrow and Friday, thought it would be a good distraction, but now don't know how I would cope.  I'm scared to call my head, and admit I'm not strong enough at the moment, as I always manage to carry on.  But really I should let her know.  Just don't know what to do  

lola - I'm sorry you're having a hard time too.  Don't leave your DP though!!  Your DP is with you because he loves you!  The relationship I have with my DP is the one thing that keeps me going!  We always say what ever happens, at least we have each other.  You and your DP have each other.

Rachel - Good luck with going again!  and big    to you and your DH.  You've both been through a lot.


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## rachel petch (Sep 7, 2010)

Oh good God thats awful my love, how on earth did they miss it I just wanna give you a big fat  . YOU MUST TALK TO YOUR HEAD! Esp as she s been so supportave! I can imagine how your feeling right now, it will get better, but you need to deal with what has happened, maybe go and see your GP or if they offer councelling at the clinic, i dont know what the answer is but just try and be strong hun, and im here if you need tto talk. And yes your right, my DH is what keeps me going, Lots of hugs xxxxxx


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