# A Muslim Sister in alot of pain, BFN 5th attempt



## Saffysmom

Salaam to everyone

I found out today that I got a BFN after having 2 expanded blasts transferred. There were perfect, everything went perfect , but what happened.

This is our 5th attempt , we have sent approx £35,000 on all this ivf malarky..... i have not stopped crying all day , did not have the desire to comb my hair, brush my teeth, eat, my eyes are swollen. The pain is unbearable, it feels like someone has taken my heart out stabbed it 100 times and then put it back in, but done 5 times.

I do not have any support as I have kept this journey to myself thinking it will be over soon. I have been in hibernation from the rest of the world, for 4 years avoiding get togethers, parties, children, pregnant women.
During the last 4 years i have seen my neice go on to have 3 kids( have not seen the latest one she had a few weeks cant bring myself to see her) my 2 sister in laws have just had there first babies, my 3 girlfriends are on there 2nd and 3rd child, my husbands cousins( 3 of them) are all pregaant due now and next year. My husbands 3 best friends all got married last year and there wives had babies this autumn. 
I`m tired of people asking me , and me having to fake it with a smile why we arent preggers yet. I have spent 4 years crying and it has aged me by 10 years, everyone around me is so highly fertile that they will not be able to comprehend my pain.

My life seems so empty, we bought a huge house in the country and there`s just the 2 of us rattling around in it, my husband wants to have the house redone and extended but ive said to him what is the point all these rooms that will be left unoccupied.

I`ve tried into a bitter and twisted women who resents those that are able to have , i know I should not feel this way , but will i ever get my turn. 
I`m tired of waiting..
I`m tired of people asking "Dont you want children"
I`m tired of the drugs
I`m tired of the peaks and troughs of ivf
I`m tired because we are down to our bare bones cashwise
I`m trierd of apologising 
I`m tired of the tv showing every tom ,dick and harry pregnant
I`m tired of feeling like a failure
I`m tired with my body not accepting the embryos

I`m bloody tired................. 

I am an emotional wreck, I am at the mercy of my Lord,he is in the driving seat, not me, not the doctors.

Anyone got anyone advice info support for me.

Thanks
Yaz.


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## Dee.Dee.32

Yaz 

I really don't know what to say - nothing is going to make you feel any better but just wanted to drop you a line as you sound so sad.  I'm sure you'll find help and support on this site and I really do hope things get better for you soon.

I'll be sending you lots of    and    and have also blown you some bubbles.

DeeDee


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## soni

Dear Countrybumpkin,

Welcome to the boards and as R4K said please come and join us at muslim posters thread.There are lot of us over there sharing the same journey!!!!!!

Believe me I could have written your post!!!!!I've been having treatment same time as urself and recently had my 4th treatment with immunes at ARGC which was a big blow!!!Although I haven't cornered myself from pregnant ladies and kids(couldn't possibly do it as Masha'Allah evryone is been  pregnant since I've been trying and can u believe all the immediate family members are currently pregnant as well)but we have found it extremely difficult to deal with the news and then seeing babies around us.My DH wasn't involved initially but he has been very much involved in the whole journey lately and cannot give up on his dream of being a father lately.He wants us to keep trying but sometimes I find it really hard to deal with his positivity and expectations.

I am physically and emotionally very tired............can't think of having another treatment but we will try again at some time in new year Insha'Allah but now a days we are concentrating to build up our relation again.............spend time with each other so we can laugh again and prepare for the future together.I would suggest take some time out from treatment,let ur body and emotions heal first then think about the future.We all are here for u............take care of urself.

Love,

Soni


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## ShahShah

Dear country bumpkin

I am so sorry for your pain, but I agree with Soni you must atke some time out and try to recover!  My friend told me the same and said do not go from one cycle to another, I have had 3 failed attempts and yet there is nothing wrong with me!  We all ask the same questions as you but it will happen and you should try and get back out there.  I have lots of neices and nephews but to be honest I could not bear to be away from them even though I wish i had some of my own.  

Go out and treat yourself ...  I find it works..... I know I did each time but there are many success stories on FF and you will find hope and inshallah things will turn for the better for you.

love ShahShah xx


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## northern gal

Dear country bumpkin,

Don't be so hard on yourself..............you are not alone, there are so many of us going through the same pain.

I have just gone through our first ICSI cycle and was so confident it would work as there was nothing wrong with me plus every step of the procedure was text book perfect. Even the embryos were top class. However on thursday AF started and I cried my eyes out all day long and the next too. I hid away like you, didn't want to see anyone or listen to anyones sympathy. Least of all did I want to see any kids. But I had no choice........in february I lost my brother through leukaemia who left 4 gorgeous children behind, the youngest of which is only 5!! My sis in law has had to cope with this plus losing her father at the same time.........she has no one else here apart from me so each week I try to provide those children with a little bit of happiness and take them out. This weekend I had to carry on as normal even though I was in so much pain inside..........those children are not to blame.

Within the last 7 years I have also lost my dad and watched my mum die......I held her in my arms as she died.

Now I am faced with yet another battle...........................

So I have decided enough is enough and am currently taking time out.....it might not be an option for you.........but you cannot give up hope and faith. Your time will come....I know that is hard to believe.........but I believe if you want something bad enough you CAN and WILL get it.

Take care hun...........we are all here for you and share your pain........you are not on your own.

By the way what clinic are you at.........we live in Preston and are having treatment at Care in Manchester.

Northern gal xx


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## Godswill

A'a'a'w'r'b dear sis..

 

I agree with the other ladies u definitely need time out from all this... may be find ur self again and spend time with ur dh... !

Allah tests those He loves the most!

InshAllah u will be ok...we have a brilliant support gorup here!


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## DreamTeam

Salam alaykum Country Bumpkin  ,
I was so sad to hear of all the pain that you have been through. Why don't come and join us on the muslim ladies thread, we are all there (and here) for each other and inshallah just talking through what you have been through and hearing what others have been through might help distribute your pain. It sounds as if you have had a lot bottled up inside and just talking through things could take some of the pressure away from you. I know that has definitely helped me.

lots of love
Snowbelle


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## tanisha

salaam

i`m new to this thread and currently in 2ww result on 26th December, please make dua its been a painful journey.  this is icsi number 3 and i`ve had it at Manchester Care

tanisha


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## tanisha

Salaam Country Bumpkin

you are in my duas and i know its extremely difficult and such a painful journey, even worse in the asian culture as people dont understand.  like you i`m fed up of people asking me 'when are you going to start having a  baby' or its about time now'  well for god sake if it was that easy i would have had one 6years ago.  i`ve stopped attending social events and feel completely left behind, everyone who got married in teh same year and after me has conceived and most of them have two.  its just not fair. i had all three icsi's this year and its taken over my life, everything revolves around fertility and exch time you build up so much hope.  i keep asking myself why me i await a result this Friday, but wont be able to take it if its negative.  Please make dua for me.  may next year be the year for us, inshallah.

keep strong, i know its so eay to say, bit one day our prayers will be accepted, its just a testing time for us

tanisha


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## DreamTeam

Salams Tanisha,
Sorry to hear that you have had such testing times, inshallah come and join us on the main muslim ladies thread...the ladies are really friendly  

lots of love
Snowbelle


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## Saffysmom

Salaamm to all my beautiful sisters out there.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your lovely words of wisdom and thoughtful gestures. I threw myself into work today ,I looked like i had 10 rounds with mike tyson, had to tell people i`ve got an eye infection. Today is another day, still gloomy tho.....  I will have a ***** and a moan on the thread, i`ve got to off load 4 yrs worth of treatment failures. I started this journey rip roaring, enthusiastic, confident, positive mental thinking and NOW its already failed before it has even started. The negative thoughts are overwhelming, i`ve gone loupy lou 

Tanisha love - I hope and pray you get a BFP, nobody deserves a negative, my test date is also the 26th december but i did not make it. Crazy me still keeps getting the pee stick hoping it my change to 2 lines. I am also @ Care Manchester.have been there since last year.

Thanks snowbelle, i do need time out and allow myself to heal, i guess i just wanted to hurry the process since my consultant told they have a positive solution for me.

Northern gal --- good luck you have been to hell and back. That is a heavy burden to carry, life throws all sorts at you. I too am at [email protected] Manchester.
once again ladies thank you for getting me thru one of the darkest of many days in my life.
hope 2009 is our year of babies.... 

Love
Yas
xxxx


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## tanisha

please everyone make dua for my result on 26th, i pray inshallah this is it for me and all those testing on this day

tanisha x


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## tanisha

i got a BFN, just devestated and dont know if i can go through this painful process a fourth time, financially crippling and emotionally draining, please make dua that allah keep sme strong.  i really thought this was it with two grade one embryos, i dont know what allah has planned for me but this is just killing me over and over again.

just want to sit in a dark room and not face any one.


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## flame

slms 2 all sisters!!

hope u are all in the best of health,,,

i remember 1 lady telling me that Allah has stated that to some he only grants boys, to others he only grants girls, and to others he doesnt grant either!!
i know its reall hard to digest but however on the other hand he claims every illness has a cure so search for a cure as long as it is within Sharia laws.!!
hence we keep trying and at the same time we keep reminding ourselves that whatever outcome there is its from Allah and he is rewarding us for every pain, every tear, every test, every injection, every negative, every THING...

allah has said every prayer is answered , hence if it is not answered in the world he will give u its reward in jannat.. and then in jannat we will wish if only none of our prayers were answered in the world!!

so i.a we will all pray for each another and always try and look at the bright side of life and keep faith in allah!!

loving u all
flame


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## Godswill

A'a'w'r'e'wb dearest sisters....

Tanisha....im soo sorry to hear of ur -tive....u take this time to come to terms with it...human nature to be down! However sis i think sis Flame is right...she hit the nail on the head....about "allah has said every prayer is answered , hence if it is not answered in the world he will give u its reward in jannat.. and then in jannat we will wish if only none of our prayers were answered in the world!!"

Have sabr my dear sweet sister inshAllah all our turn will come! There is khair in everything...take comfort in this...Allah says my mercy superseeds my wrath" we are tested all in different ways and inshAllah we will be rewarded if not in this dunya definitely inthe akhira.

We are all here for you...take care hun...

I always look to those who dont have what i have and feel a lot better or those that are suffereing and think subhanAllah i have it good...!
I have a loving, supportive husband, i have food in the fridge, i have a roof over my head, i have warm clothes in the winter, i have water, electricity, subhanAllah these may seem sooo small to us...but in places like darfur, Sudan, Pakistan, Palestine and Iraq these are luxuries...some may say we cant compare...but to them their problems are a lot worse..i think to my self i have no right to complain! Allhumdulilah..

i hope i havent upset anyone...i just want us to focus on the things we do have an dappreciate them...a lesson to me and then to u...as i can get tooo involved in this ttc lark!! 

Allah knows best
Take care my lovelies...inshAllah speak soon!


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## DreamTeam

Salams Tanisha,
Sorry to hear your news   alhumdulilah the will of Allah(swt) is beyond our comprehension...inshallah it will happen.

Much love

Snowbelle


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## Saffysmom

oh no I'm soo sorry to hear the bad news I was sooo hoping you got good news 
I'm still moping around all dazed and confused!  
For me this is the hardest test Allah has placed upon me- 

We needy time to fill this void

You are all in my duas 

Yaz x


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## tanisha

Salaam
i had me review this morning.  DH and I tried extremely hard last week to accept that this was life with no children and we should just live with it, but it was too difficult to imagine.  we cant give up, we are still young.  of my three cycles the last one was the most perfect and as my consultant says 'he is not there to make money out of us' if we feels there is no chance he will send us away today, but there is hope.  we are going to give it one more go.  i`ll be calling the clinic in Feb to start buseralin in March. looks like some of us will be cycle buddies again. i have funded all three ICSI's its been a nightmare but i will go on till i`m financially crippled, both Dh and I are working hard, we have temporarily moved in with my parents so we dont have the financial costs living separately and that is all being put towards the next cycle.  

keep making dua 

tanisha x x


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## ShahShah

Salam tanisha

Ty not to worry, I know that is hard to do, I have had the same as you and am going for my 3rd ICSI cycle, last time I had great embies and did a FET but a  BFP.  It is hard but I have also stated that I will keep trying if it is only one child that I have then I will be happy.  The cost is high, we funded all our cycles and it is alot that is why I cannot afford to go to ARGC as the costs can come to 10K which we just do not have.
Stay positive, I will be starting probably the same time as you for my next round.  

Inshallah this time you will get your BFP.  
love shahshah x


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## SisterC

Asalam alaikom sister

I've just read the first post. It is so honest. I just wanted to say Sister you are not alone. May Allah comfort you.

SisterC


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## SisterC

soni said:


> Dear Countrybumpkin,
> 
> Insha'Allah but now a days we are concentrating to build up our relation again.............spend time with each other so we can laugh again and prepare for the future together.Soni


Asalam alaikom sisters

Subhan Allah so many of us are going through the exact same thing, and I thought I was alone!! Alhamdililah for the miracle of the internet. Please Allah give all of us sisters the miracle of pious babies, amin.

SisterC


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## FazWorld

ASA everyone,

AH this looks like ithas turned into the Muslim Posters thread!

CountryBumpkin, I am soo sorry for your pain. We all are. On the Muslim Posters thread, one lady posted a lovely peice:

_"Someday, somewhere we will find the reason behind all of this for all of us - Allah swt knows best. And He hates it when we hurt but He does only what is best for us. Imagine when a mother takes away sweets or a toy from her child and he cries and cries and begs and begs and she hates to see him cry, it pulls at her heart, but she knows it is best for him. That is how Allah swt feels but x 1 million and more!! He hates to see us suffer but He knows it is best for us. And we will be those mothers one day in that situation and insha'allah we remember how Allah swt feels and the blessings he has given us."_

I felt like crying when I read through all the things peole have been through on here, I am lucky enough to have 2 beautiful DD, by ICSI 5 years ago (on 3rd attempt). I am on FF now, cos I wanted siblings for them - but had a BFN in Feb '08 and then again in Dec '08. Can't afford anymore - spent £30K+ on tx so far. Now will just ttc naturally and pray! 

I still remember bursting into tears in a restaurant with DH - we had had 2 failed ICSI's by now and had just found out SIL was PG - unfortunately she had MC, and the following year I had my DDs.

Not sure any of the above helps, but remember Allah hears all prayers. 
Fazworld.


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