# Relationship with your Parents ---has it Changed?



## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Hi Ladies

I was wondering how your IF has affected your relationship with your parents?  I know I'm very fortunate to have both parent (now in their late 70s), but I am often saddened that I don't have the relationship with them that I feel I should.  My parents are doting grandparents to my niece and nephew and these days this is virtually all they can talk about.


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## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

...sorry pressed the send button before I had finished!

I can never provide them with what my brother has and I accept that, but they just no longer seem to be interested in anything else.

I'm just feeling a bit sad that we are drifting further and further apart  .

Sorry for the Monday morning whinge,

Eilidh
xx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Just wanted to post reply - my ILs are about the same age as your parents, and we have always found it diff to talk to them about IF - their generation just don't talk about these things - it is just too personal for them often. Talking about "making babies" and the probs associated is a big no no. They probably dote on your bros children because they are not quite sure how to deal with the issues that you and your DH have had to go through. We actually sat the Ils down and said that we would like them to be more involved in the IF journey and feel free to ask any questions - and certainly to ask us how we are, and it made no diff whatsoever - it is just too big a step for them to take (and my DH is their only child so they don't even have grandchildren to dote on!)

It is so hard to deal with this sort of thing, but I guess that you need to address the issue with them becuse otherwise you may soon come to resent all the attention being paid to your bro and his children.

My SIL's bro has 4 children (and make a big deal of being able to have children so easily), and she has had several Mcs - she does not resent her nephews and niece, but she does feel that her mother is so invested in her bros children and rarely asks how she is coping with IF and the numerous IVFs they have had, and she does resent it sometimes, and feels that the balance of attention is unfair.

I know this does not help alot but hope that the feeling that you are not alone in your situation gives you some solace.

Nx


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## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Hi nbr1968

Thanks for your reply.  I think you are absolutely right about parents of a certain generation.....such personal issues are never talked about openly. I guess they just can't comprehend what life is like for us but it does upset me that they just don't seem to be interested in anything we do...all conversations get back to the grandchildren eventually, however hard we try to steer them off topic!! I usually give up trying to talk about anything after a while as it is easier to go along with what they want to talk about (I am also very interested in my niece and nephew and want to talk about them, but not to the exclusion of everything else!!!)

Thanks for sharing your own experiences.

Eilidh
xxxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Eilidh

Snap.  My parents have elevated talking about my nieces to an Olympic event.  Sometimes I change the subject and, for my own amusement, time how long it takes for them to get it back to my (utterly adorable) two nieces which is normally within a few minutes.  Conversationally we can go from Tibet to a success in a maths test (clearly showing how advanced they are) in under 60 seconds!

It doesn't really bother me much except that I too find it a bit distancing in a rather vague way. When I tire of conversation around the adorable twosome and stop responding we can sometimes find ourselves with nothing to say and the silence can be an awful reminder of that missing aspect of my life.

Still, they are good people who mean well so I let it go and just "manage" my own emotional response to it all.  All apart of the IF challenge.

flipper


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Snap for me too but with my inlaws/outlaws!

When my SIL appeared on the scene MIL hated her with a passion and was forever slating her. When they began ttc I said to my MIL that maybe she should try and get on with her a bit better because they were trying for a little one (she already knew this because they had told her). She point blank refused to even accept they were ttc because in her words she 'hated my SIL so much'

When SIL eventually became preggers (whilst I was going through a horrible first IVF - ugh, timing, its never right is it)?! MIL was spitting and snarling and saying the most horrendous things about SIL, one of those that will never leave my memory was she didn't deserve to be pregnant, that it should be me etc. I was horrified, because this pregnancy was a grandchild of hers no matter what - I pointed out to her that it wasn't the baby's fault and that what she was saying made me feel awful and put me in an awful position, and that I did not agree with her sentiments (ok, IVF drugs didn't help my emotional well being much either at this time, and I could have done without listening to her ranting on and on about my SIL)!

As it happens, SIL had her first child, refused to have anything to do with MIL and I had to build bridges between the both of them. To cut a long story short almost 7 years down the line now MIL and FIL speak of nothing else but their grandchildren (SIL provided a sibling also) and it seems that both myself and DH are not important as people in our own right any more.

What really winds me up the most of all though, and its something thats not really anything to do with this board but is all to do with my MIL & FIL is how they practically ignore my DH's DD too as well as the rest of their grandchildren. Its like none of us exist outside of their 'bubble'!

I don't hurt for me but I do hurt for the impact this has had on my DH... its not so bad for his DD because she has a very special relationship with her own maternal grandmother and doesn't really know DH's parents very well however... both DH and his DD are their flesh and blood, so go figure?   

I couldn't give a stuff about them personally because they couldn't even make the grade as a patch on my parents ar$es   doesn't stop me seeing their behaviour though!  

Its amazing what challenges our own families make for us in our everyday existence though isn't it folks.

Love
Emcee xxx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Eilidh,

This post resonates with me too. From the minute my SIL first became pregnant, my parents have only ever really wanted to talk to me about the children and their achievements. The eldest is over 18 now, so I have had many years to get used to it!

Strangely, something similar happens with the in-laws. DH has (now grown-up) children from his first marriage, and he also has nieces and nephews. His mother talks to him constantly about those children rather than his own.

It used to upset me a lot more than it does now, even though, like others on here, I have a good relationship with the children. I have to be honest, to start with I know part of my problem was jealousy of the fact that I wasn't a mother. Once I got over that, I guess it wasn't the fact that we had to talk about them so much that was the problem, it was more that I didn't seem to exist.

One of the problems seemed to me to be that mum and dad couldn't understand my life, so fundamentally didn't know what to say to me. They were older parents and had followed a relatively traditional route of marrying, setting up home, bringing up children, looking after their own parents. Dad working, mum housewife. I, on the other hand, was lucky to be given a much better education than either of them had access to, I have been married twice and have always worked (not through choice!) but also in work that they didn't understand (IT for many years). I left home to go to Uni and since then have never lived near them. Then, horror of horrors, I had problems with my plumbing. How on earth could they possibly talk to me about that! I'm giving them excuses, but I do have this feeling that, underneath it all, talking about children is everyone's "safe" conversation option - let's face it, how often are you asked by complete strangers "have you got any children?" .

My mum died a few years ago, and dad definitely talks more to me about my life than he ever used to. I used a strategy suggested by DH to try to get them to notice me. I let them talk for a while about a subject of their own choice (funnily enough this was always brother's children) and then I got started telling them all about me and my life. I kept on talking until I had told them all I wanted them to know  
I know they didn't always listen - and they definitely wouldn't have passed an exam on their daughter and her life - but I know some things got through to them, and it did help to rid me of some of the resentment that built up.

It is incredibly difficult to have a relationship when it all feels so one-sided, so I'm sending   to everyone experiencing the same problems.

Take care,
Solitaire
xxx


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## Eilidh M (Feb 20, 2005)

Dear Flipper, Emcee and Solitaire

Thanks so much for your replies.  It really helps to know that we are not alone in this situation.  

Your strategies for dealing with it too are fab....I will definitely try them out!  

My parents just can't comprehend how I could possibly have a fulfilling life without children.  They never ask about my job nor are they particularly interested in any travelling we do or any hobbies we pursue.  Sometimes when they call after their designated day of childcare, I don't even answer the phone, because I can't bear another 15 minute molologue of the day's events and who did what and who said what (caller display is very handy )!!!

Eilidh
XX


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Eilidh,
Sorry you feel left out by your parents. In my experience it is just my older sister who has children and she has 5 (!) But cos it happened a while ago - the novelty has worn off for my parents and I don't feel bad about it. I think I will have difficulty when my younger sister has kids though. She is a half sister and so my stepmum will be a grandparent for the first time when she does - I think it will 'bite'. 
But at the end of the day - if your parents are being insensitive you should mention it to them. They need to give you support.
Bernie xxx


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