# Almost too worried to apply!!



## Jeddly (Jul 31, 2012)

So, we are starting round 2 of icsi this spring, but with poor quality frozen sperm, and the advice that our chances are low, my mind has been wandering more and more towards adoption. It has been something that we have been interested in even before infertility was known. However....

My husband has kids from a previous marriage who, even those he has a court contact order, he is not allowed to see due to his ex being difficult. Also he is recovering from major cancer, nearly 2 years all clear but still....

The thought of being rejected because of someone else's choices (his ex) is really hard to cope with, and makes me nervous about applying at all.

Any advice?

Thanks x


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I don't think he would be rejected because of his ex, but his health may play a larger part in the decision (it won't necessarily be a no, but he might have to provide medical evidence/letters).

The fact is if you are planning ICSI then you can't apply for adoption at the same time, you must wait a minimum of 6 months between your last treatment date and applying.

Good luck x


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm sorry - I don't have advice on your situation but wanted to wish you lots of luck with your icsi in the meantime.
Gettina x


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## Jeddly (Jul 31, 2012)

Daddyboo,

I think it's more that he doesn't see his kids, and his ex will say that's down to him....it's a case of he said she said unfortunately! 

I know that we have to wait, it is something we will consider as our next step if this icsi doesn't work.  Just thought I'd see if anyone has any similar backgrounds etc!

Gettina - thanks, much appreciated!


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

In that case, I really wouldn't be worried.  SWs know that people coming to them have past lives, they will talk to his ex but it shouldn't be of any detriment to him or you.

Please don't be nervous about applying - you could go along to open evenings close to where you live and ask questions there?


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Hi Jeddly

like you I've been thinking a lot about adoption, even while we're in the midst of fertility treatment. I must say, I feel more and more that I belong on this part of the board and am an obsessive lurker! Although you can't apply for ages after a failed cycle, you can definitely go to information events where you'll have an opportunity to ask questions. We've been to two and it's been really helpful. In the meantime, I really hope your treatment goes well.


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## Jeddly (Jul 31, 2012)

Hi Ciacox,

Thanks for the message! I know it sounds silly to be scared, but I can't face being told that we wouldn't be good enough, when I know we would be good parents! I know it is the same dilemma most prospective adopters face tho! 

We will def look into it and maybe start going to some open day events too. 

Thanks for the words of encouragement!
X


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## Jeddly (Jul 31, 2012)

Mrsctobe,

Thanks for the input, this is what I'm worried about. He has tried building bridges, but his ex doesn't want to know. He has blocked him from seeing his kids from the day he left her. He does see his eldest, as she is now an adult with a baby of her own, do she can make her own choices (although her mother makes it hard for her). I don't know what else we can do?


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## Jeddly (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks for the encouragement


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi

My dh has 2 grown up children from his first marriage. Neither them or his ex would engage with ss. We just provided details of people who could vouch for his parenting. It was discussed thoroughly at homestudy but was never mentioned for the matching stages and we've done it twice. 

Good luck


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## Jeddly (Jul 31, 2012)

Hi Loopylou,

There is the possibility that she won't want to talk to them, but I would put money on her using it as a chance to bad mouth him. You never know tho I guess! I will just have to be brave like everyone else and take it a day at a time rather than worrying about what might happen in a years time! It's just do easy to get carried away and down about it all!

But thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice, it is very much appreciated!!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Mrsctobe said:


> ...also if he does not see his Children even though he has a contact order I really think this will go against him in any home study...


This really frustrates me. I think a low of SWs really do not understand that no matter what order the Court makes, if the parent with care is really determined to stop contact, they will almost always stop contact. When the parent with care, usually but not always the Mum, simply doen't take their children to contact with "the cat ate my homework" level excuses they can miss years of contact before a Judge will seriously consider imposing penalties. That's without considering whether the parent with care prejudices the child toward the absent parent, or the costs of a privately paying absent parent having to try and bring enforcement action against a caring parent who's eligible for Legal Aid and doesn't have to worry about their costs. These things are not always so cut and dry and should be looked into properly, not dismissed as Dads who don't put effort into seeing their children.

Jeddly, good luck with your treatment, and if it doesn't work out, and you do decide to go down the adoption route, I would definitely recommend discussing all your concerns, particularly those surrounding the ex, up front with whoever assesses you.


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## Jeddly (Jul 31, 2012)

Wyxie - I agree the court order for my DH said that contact had to restart with letters and then visits, but he hadn't seen them for a while during mediation and divorce. He wrote, but they weren't encouraged to write back. Then he got sick, and she still wouldn't let him see them! Now it's been so long thet they don't want to see him. The younger two prob don't remember him! And it eats him up, wondering if he could have done something differently etc! It's been 5 years and she still screams at him down the phone etc, puts all the blame on him. And yes, we would have to pay for lawyers whereas she would get legal aid. I have no problem spending money on it if I thought it would do any good at all! But I'd be surprised if it would make a difference.

We are thinking about getting done legal advice again this year, and see what they say! Life eh?! We do the best we can....


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hi Jeddly, I saw your post and wanted to say I can relate to what your saying , my DP has 3 previous children and a very vindictive ex, even before I was in a relationship with him they had to go to mediation so he could get official contact to see his kids. She used the kids against him and made it unbearable .When I started a relationship with him he was still seeing the kids and contact stayed and had done for years after but then she turned the kids against him once again , which has resulted in the youngest one now that wont even say nothing to her own dad because of his ex.

Now we are in the adoption process together they want to see everything, from solicitors letters, anything that can support DP with him trying to access contact in the past.  We are now waiting for them to see the mediation reports from the courts which DP needs to give consent too. 

Sorry for the long post lol anytime you want to chat im more than welcome to chat bk xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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