# A new family baby



## lily1980 (Feb 2, 2012)

My brother and his wife just had their first baby girl today and she is so gorgeous!!!  I am so happy for them but it has made me feel so down about our situation that none of the family know about so I had the usual 'it will be you next' and 'you can't wait forever' and had to put on the pretence that we are not thinking about a family yet.  I then felt like the worst sister in the world and so selfish for not just being focussed on them and giving some of my head space to the fact that I desperately want to be pregnant. I felt even worse when in a room full of family they told me the baby's middle name - they have chosen the First name that I have picked out if we were ever to have a little girl and it's quite unusual.  Both my brother and his wife knew I had loved this name since I was about 16 years old (and I'm early 30s now!!)and it just felt like a double whammy today.  I'm not a superstitious person but there is a bit of me that feels like maybe I'll now never be lucky enough to have a baby and that them picking this baby name is a sign - stupid I know.  I've been in floods of tears since I got home and just feel awful.  I know me being like this frustrates/stresses my husband and there is a weird tension between us now - and he is the only person I can speak to about it as no one else knows about our situation.


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## Emma02 (May 25, 2010)

Hi lily1980

I have just read your post with a tear in my eye! I felt exactly the same as you are now when my niece announced that's she was pregnant a couple of years ago. I was riddled with jealousy as I always thought that I would have my own children before I became a great auntie at 35!! To top it off, my sister announced that she was pregnant too with her 5th child, I was devastated!!! My family kept on telling me to hurry up as they didn't know how hard it had been for us.

I think it's quite normal to feel like you are, but don't give up hope, your time will come.

Fingers crossed for you honey.

Love, Emma


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I have been in that kind of situation so many times, i am an aunty to 7 very young children, all but one born after we started   .  It is natural to feel all the things that you do and i think its totally natural for there to be stress between you and your dh, i know that its the one thing that really puts tension between me and my dh.  He excepts it when someone says their pg, but me, it makes me feel totally pxxxed off and angry.  Now a days instead of allowing the tension to build between us i say, "i am upset and struggling just leave me allow".  The thing is we can never meet in the middle when i am in such a angry place and i almost end up wanting to fall out.


I do find this works, and when i have finally calmed down, we just move on mentally.  Its a situation that we have found ourselves in so many times that he can not understand why it still makes me feel the way it does, no matter how much convincing, that will never change.  Go out for a walk or do something energetic to try and take away the intense feelings. xxxxx


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## loopskig (Jul 31, 2011)

Poor Lily (& Great Auntie Emma!). I feel so sad for you. I know exactly how you mean that the new baby is going to bring you such joy at the same time as unbearable jealousy.
Obv its up to you if you do or don't tell people about your situation but if you are happy to reveal your hand I tend to find that saying:

"nothing would make me happier than to be pregnant but sadly its not something that has come easily for us and I find it very difficult being asked as regularly as I am"

soon shuts them up. Depends on who you are speaking to and if they get the not so subtle hint to leave you alone.

I am very fortunate to have my one treasure already and would love to provide a sibling for him. It doesn't look like that will happen though but I am considering the fact that my brother's very new girlfriend is 'accidentally' due in July as the silver lining that there will be a young cousin for my poppet instead. Thankfully they know its a boy and so will not be pinching my favourite girl's name. That must've been really hard to take Lily. Maybe they meant it as a compliment. Hmmm or maybe no thought went into it at all  

Every best wish that we'll all be joining our siblings in smugness very soon!
Loops xxx x


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## Scotgirl28 (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi Lily, thats terrible that they stole your baby name.    I feel like my friend is using up all the good baby names that I like.   But if you want to use that name then you just have to go for it, and everyone that matters will know that you liked that name first.  

Yes we haven't told anyone either, and just went to my friend's baby's christening. Everyone was saying 'you'll be next', blah blah blah. I just always say 'hopefully wont be too long'. 

Its so hard to be genuinely happy for friends with babies - I just kinda go into autopilot and play the part of someone who is interested and happy for them. But I dread it beforehand and feel really beaten down afterwards. Its completely understandable. I'm really upset cos my pregnant friend has bought the rocking chair and footstool that I always wanted for my nursery. And she got the cutest crib.    

Its gotta be our turn soon.   I know its not easy when you only have your hubby to speak to - especially when they would rather not talk about it. Lucky we've got FF to chat to each other about stuff.
Big hugs.  
Scotgirl.x


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi lovely ladies,
I can sooo relate to you and your circumstances, but it's much harder when we make every excuse under the sun whilst painting smiles on our faces, but all the time we're just yearning and aching for that bundle of joy and wondering when it's going to be 'our turn'.  We never told anyone we'd been trying for 8 years when we miscarried our one and only naturally conceived little one.  My sister had her first daugther aged 16, then another 2 afterwards and she commented that 'she'd had it tough conceiving'....so I took her to my jabbing lesson, just to show her how bloody tough conceiving actually was!!!

Although I have realised my dream, I appreciate my little miracle every second of every day, but I'll never forget the years of tears and heartbreak along the way ... but what you're feeling is completely normal and understandable.  Yes it puts soo much strain on your relationships as, until you've been in our shoes, you have no idea that innocent comments can cut you to shreds....sending MASSIVE hugs,
Sheila


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## Scotgirl28 (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi Sheila,

Your little one is such a cutie.   Wow, 8 years!! I can't imagine going through another 7 years without a baby.   All my friends will be starting soon, its gonna be tough. 

Lots of love to you Sheila - you've got your little miracle and you're still on here supporting all of us hopefully Mums-to-be!  
Kirsty.xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Kirsty- bless ya for ya comments
Hindsight is a wonderful tool, and I think a pushy attitude helps to oil the wheels as well.  We did go to our gps after 3 years of trying, but were fobbed off.  If only we'd pushed for checks and tests, we maybe wouldn't have had to wait soo long to realise our dream....but at the back of my mind I never wanted to hear the words I'd never conceive!

The medical world and fertility specialists make miracles happen every day - never give up hope  - do whatever you can to maximise your chances of success, healthy diet, gentle exercise, keep you weight to a healthy level and take your vitamins - and never forget- we're here for you every step of your journey x

  to everyone, but anytime you feel like   come and let off some steam - you're in good company

Sheila


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## Scotgirl28 (Mar 2, 2012)

You're so right Sheila.   We waited a year to go to the GP and they referred us right away thank goodness. I'll need to work on getting my weight down, as my BMI is around 26/ 27. Yup it was hard to accept that there might be a problem, and who knows what we will have to go through to get there in the end. But at least we've got you and everyone else on FF for support along the way. I'm addicted!  

Big hugs to all.  
Kirsty.xx


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## lily1980 (Feb 2, 2012)

Ladies thank you all so much for your lovely comments and making me realise these unhappy feelings (at what is a happy time) are totally natural.  I think those of you who have told close family and friends that you are trying for a baby are very brave.  I don't think I would be able to do that but I'm not 100% sure what is stopping me.  This site really is a lifeline at what feels like a lonely and stressful time - big hugs to you all  

Like I said my husband doesn't like speaking about our lack of pregnancy issues - although he knew how tough yesterday was for me that he came home with a bunch of flowers and a creme egg!!!  

You're right Sheila about being pushy - I'm moving things forward regarding the fibroid I have and I am seeing my consultant in 2 weeks to discuss an operation to get it removed - hopefully that won't take too long to get the op and then maybe after that our luck will change.  

Keeping my fingers crossed for all of us xxx


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## Daisy38 (Oct 25, 2010)

Hi Lily,

I had massive Fibroid issues, and only had success after a myomectomy.  Sending you (((((hugs))))) as it is so hard to try and stay upbeat, positive and happy for everyone who is having a baby when you are still trying.  Good luck with everything, and remember you chose that name first so if you still want to use it go ahead........maybe them choosing this name is a good omen paving the way for things to come.


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## lily1980 (Feb 2, 2012)

Thank you Daisy38 - I'm definitely in need of hearing positive Fibroid removal stories.  I'm hoping the alien as I call it will be removed by the summer and then who knows maybe by the end of the year I'll get my BFP - need to keep my chin up and believe it will happen.  xxx


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## Elf84 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi there,

I'm not wanting to say your feelings are wrong, because they are not.  They are normal, I have just recently fallen pregnant through IVF after more than 5 years or heartache and many many family and friends have had babies along the way.  I have always felt that pang of jealousy but I've tried hard to cover it up.  

Anyway the reason I'm writing is because I have experienced both sides now.  My sister had a surprise baby a few years ago and many many times I left her house and cried all the way home but I overcame it and love my niece to pieces, have never shown my jealously and have helped when needed, changed napies etc and loved being so close to my niece... but now after a difficult time for us (all of our family knew about our infertility) we were over the moon to announce our pregnancy to family.  My sister is now facing secondary infertility herself and did not react well to our news.  There was no hugs, no congratulations until hours later and i can tell you it hurt me so much.

I know this won't help you much I just wanted to let you know how I have found experiencing the jealousy from the other side.

I hope you have the baby you long for. 

Xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Lily
I too didn't become a Mammy til after I had my fibroid removed, there are loads of fibroid success stories - have a look on the Uterine section - and there's tons of useful information about surgical removal and recuperating from it: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=101.0

Sheila


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## lily1980 (Feb 2, 2012)

Thank you Elf - I can only imagine how hurtful it was when your sister never even congratulated you especaily after being so open about your infertility.  You must be so excited with your happy news!!!  I've never shown my jealousy to them and I do love my niece already - I think we all must get very good at covering up the turmoil inside until we get home, have a wee cry and then dust ourselves down again.

I will definintely have a proper look through the thread Sheila - I'm seeing the consultant on 4th April as I was last there in August following an MRI.  The consultant said if I hadn't concieved within that time to go back and see her and she would recommend going ahead with the fibriod removal - hopefully I'll get an operation date soon.  Whilst I'm scared about it I just really want it to happen so that we stand a better chance of conceiving our much much wanted bambino xxx


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