# Attachment



## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Attachment 
« on: Yesterday at 10:17 »  

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Hello Everyone,

Our sixteen month old  little girl has been with us for six weeks and everything seems to be going well.  She is very happy in our company and we give her loads of love and attention.  She seems pretty bonded to us at home wanting us to play with her and cuddle her,  however we seem to have a problem whenever visitors come around, she will switch her affection to a complete stranger (mainly male) and refuses to come back to us.  Her behavior is not happy while this is taking place, she is clinging on to them, crying and most distressed when they leave.  Once they are gone she settles back down pretty quickly, but my gut reaction is that she is still suffering from the emotional upheaval of leaving her foster carers who she lived with since birth and confused about her attachment to us.

It has only been six weeks which of course is early days, and I cannot expect too much, but I so want her to be happy and to help her.

Does anyone have any experience of this, and what do you feel is the best way to deal with it?  I want to do what I can now, and not leave her with a long term attachment disorder.

Please advise.

Love Rhianna


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

I have no experience to offer on this I'm afraid Rhianna.  Are your or your daughters SWs not able to offer any help or advice?  Hope someone else here has some suggestions for you.


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Rianna

I don't really have any advice for you I'm afraid to say, just wanted to let you know we're all behind you and wishing you the very best.
Our daughter was 19mths when she came home and initially I'd say for at least 2 months we noticed that she was as happy to go to any stranger as she was to come to us, she'd happily kiss and cuddle anyone who showed any interest. It was a slight concern to start with as we thought maybe she might stay grow up that way, happy to go with anyone. She soon got out of it, and now a very happy 3 year old is going through a shy and clingy stage and always wanting mummy! This is an age-related thing, not an adoption issue.

I would ask advice from your sw and maybe your foster carer, if you had a good relationship with them. They often can give advice, from going through a number of adoptions. I'm sure though that you'll find that she calms down into a "normality" for her, and gets more used to things in time. I wondered if there's any difference in her behaviour if you visit someone else's home, as apposed to "strangers invading her space" at home. ? Just a thought.
I know from own experience, that dd can act completely different to someone even now 2 years on, when they visit our home, to seeing them in any other enviroment. I think that's a lot to do with territory though.

Take care, and best wishes

x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Rianna,
As Ever says we are all behind you on this and I am sorry that this is causing you worry. I wonder if you need more concentrated time with just the three of you! Maybe cut out too many visits for a while. You are clearly doing a wonderful job and as you say it's early days but I know how upsetting this must be. I think speaking to your SW is a very good idea she will have had training in this area and hopefully will be able to give you the support you need. 
Take care Rianna love JD x


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## TraceyH (Apr 14, 2004)

Rianna

I agree with Jill about being selective about visitors and having more concentrated time with just the three of you.  We selected our visitors carefully during the few weeks even though it is tempting to show them off.

Thinking of you. 

Tracey x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi

Sorry to hear about the problems you are having.  It does sound exactly like attachment difficulties.  There are 4 types of attachment - secure, avoidant, resistant and disorganised.  Brain has gone to sleep (I had to give a presentation on attachment theory today - 300 miles away!), but i know it fits into one of them!

Do a search on wikipedia for attachment theory, that should help.  Also if you research the work of Mary Answorth, her research is close to what you are experiencing, or search for John Bowlby. BAAF has a couple of books on attachment.  I have one called "attachment handbook for fostering and adoption" or something similar and it's worth a look at but is expensive   

The only advice I can give is give it time.  Attachment is most difficult for children between 6 months and 33 months, as they don't have the capacity to understand the changes in carer.

It will take time, but it will improve.

If I'm a bit more awake over the weekend I'm figure out what other advice I can give you!

Bx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I would second what everyone has said about this being a normal reaction to adoption - and that limiting visitors might help.  If the visitors are coming anyway, and are people you can talk to about this then perhaps you could try and ask them not to respond to her.  It's very difficult but if she's getting love and cuddles from you and no response from them, she will learn that you are mummy and daddy and the ones that give love and cuddles, and strangers don't do that...


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi - all I can add to these comments is that it will pass, I don't know if it a stage our new children have to go through but our DD was the same, she was 9 months old when we got her, this period only lasted for a few weeks but it did seem longer at the time.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Rianna

This sounds like my eldest.  She has been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder and hypervigilence.  She clings very much to visitors (albeit they are not strangers to her now) or behaves like she is hyperactive, running round and screaming.  She is very emotional (hugs, kisses, telling people she loves them), she even tries this with shop assistants.  it can be very worrying but continuing the hugs and affection from you and dh will go along way.

Have a look at therapeutic parenting on the net.  One of the things we had to do was to envelope our little girl and stroke her hands.  She still can be like this at times but it has got less severe in frequency and the strength of emotion that she displays.

We have used some of the Bowlby stuff that Boggy has talked about and also read a book called Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children by Daniel A Hughes.

Good luck
Karen x


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## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Thank you everyone for your advice, I do hope it is time and patience.    Karen.  I was sorry to hear that you daughter had been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  It sounds like you have worked wonders with her already!

I am hoping that she is not going to be diagnosed with an attachment disorder (although I am preparing for the possibility) as she did have a good start in life and has basically been transferred from one loving home (her foster parents) to another (us), and it is still very early days.  At the moment I am just keeping her with me and taking her out for walks and she has been much happier without visitors!  She is giving me lots of cuddles and kisses and playing much more confidently.

It is such a fine line between compensating because your child has been through a trauma and being firm so they don't run riot.  Our little one would definitely run the whole house if we let her!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I'm reading this with interest because our little one is comkng to us at a similar age in june and i am anxious to do the right things to help her attach..can i ask what things you have done to help her settle in/attach, did you get advice about it? so far i've decided against all visitors to the home for at least a month, if not longer though we willtake her out to see people.i'm looking at a rear facing buggy so she see me, and going to ask ther fc about what washing powder she uses..thats as far as i've got... i'm doing lots of reading!!!

kj x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

Just a quick note to say that there is a good book by Kate Cairns on attachment, i heard her speak last week and everything she said made such sense and I could identify with our foster child. Might be worth a read.

Hope things settle soon for you

xx


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## rianna (May 17, 2005)

Keemjay.  Wishing you all the luck with your adoption.  How exciting!

I think what you are saying about keeping visitors away for a while is a good thing, although I found that she is happy to see a couple of regular people coming to visit like my mum and sisters, because she is seeing them over and over.  What they don't need is a sea of strange faces, (namely people who you don't see that often who may not come back for months).

As far as attachment is concerned, I found cuddling and rocking her quietly when she is upset was helpful and soothing.  I also dance with her to music everyday.  Holding a favourite toy up to my face so she has to look at me(can't remember where I read this) but it helps to encourage eye contact and improve bonding.  Try to stay calm and be yourself as they pick up on our anxieties so quickly.  Stick to their familiar routine.  Communicating as much as possible.

Hope this helps.  I found that during the first couple of weeks I was wearing myself out trying to be a 24hr a day performing entertainer, in the hope that she would like me.  It has paid off, but at the same time I think she prefers that I have calmed down a notch.

Good luck.

Ps.  Thanks to everyone else for your advice, it has really helped!

Love R


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

thanks rianna... hows it going this last week or so - hope little one is doing ok. have you been able to get any help from the post adoption support team at all? 

i love the dancing idea..esp as we have music on a lot in our house
lol at being a 24hr entertainer...
I'm reading 'a childs journey through placement' at the moment and theres loads to read about attachment..highly recommend it if you havent already read it

kj x


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