# dealing with work



## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

I don't often read about women who struggle fitting infertility into their work lives. I'm sure it must be a challenge for many. I'm a teacher and have to miss school every time I have any cycle monitoring appointment, ultrasound, appointment, procedure or miscarriage. My doctor's office opens at the same time as my school, and there is not a fertility clinic close by. Over many years I've become depressed not just due to infertility, but what has happened at work. I try to maintain my privacy, but when your kid's teacher is away all the time, it's really hard. I am a great teacher, but once having a family became my priority, that is what I have to fight for. I learned the hard way opening up and asking for compassion from others' judgement doesn't always go well, and if you don't tell, people assume you are messed up, flighty or uncommitted.

I finally transferred schools after a miscarriage happened at work and the responses around me damaged me forever. Unfortunately now I'm a half hour further commute each way, with people who don't know me well and who didn't know of my prior IF self and work. It's started all over again as we pursue donor eggs. I was away for 2 weeks to fly to the Czech Republic for donor eggs, and I passed that off as surgery to my colleagues, but of course there was the cycle monitoring in advance absences. I felt the whispers begin again. We just had a m/c from that cycle earlier this week, initially we thought it was ectopic. I chose to admit our medical emergency so others would understand why I was away, not present for a project due and missed my class' Christmas concert. I literally was shaking while going through the medical and emotional stress, waiting to hear how people would respond and if it would be kind. How do I balance maintaining privacy with making sure others don't make wrong assumptions about me or my life? 

Luckily my boss is fully supportive, but from the couple others I told, there has either been nothing, or "I know you're going through a lot but..." and then there is wondering what the parents are thinking.

I know this forum doesn't get a lot of chat, but for me, coping with infertility has been the hardest part of the journey and my entire life. With such huge expenses, not working isn't an option whatsoever, and I've poured so much into my education and this career that I love. I know so many other people must be struggling with work, unhappiness at work, inflexibility at work, lack of support from their boss, and so on, which is so hard to manage. I would really love to talk to anyone (here or via PM) to help support one another and strive for better personal health as we deal with this.


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## florenceroxanne (Nov 9, 2015)

Dear Hopeful
I m writing to share my experience with you and to give you my support.
I'm a teacher as well, my students are from 11 to 18 yo. I work in Italy, so things maybe a little different here.
I'm a very private person so just few people at work know what I've been through (actually 3 people). The Others don't know anything. 
As to the US scan, can't you have them done in the late afternoon? 
I've never had one in the morning, and I've driven up to 160 Km to have a US scan done in the evening.....  
Of course when I have blood tests, they must be done in the morning, so I'm absent just for one or two periods. But I try to have them done when I start work later.. 2 days a week I start at 10. 
Anyway you mustn't be so worried about what ohter people think, you said you have your boss (I guess your head techer?) being really supportive, that's important! 
Unfortunately I've learnt that people are often not empathic at all, they're just nosey, that's it.
I didn't understand what happened after your MC at work....
I had a MC at work as well, it was last June. I was in class, and I realized something was going wrong. I left the class with the special education teacher and ran to the bathroom. It was like a strong period. I just put a tampon, took a painkiller, and got back to the class, because I didn't want anybody to know. I was only 6 weeks. It was my 4th loss.
I was absent for 3 days in October, no need to explain if it's just for 3 days, you can simply say "personal reasons". No medical certificate, nothing. 
Nonetheless A colleague (NOT a friend) dared ask me : BTW, you aren't well, are you?
I just wanted to kill her. I stared at her with the most awful look and said: I'm a very private person, plus this is none of your business.
I can be very aggressive, if it's to protect myself.
She was petrified    Then she said "sorry" and she has never asked me anything since then.
What I want ot higlight is that you need to love yourself and not to lose your self-esteem. From what you write I understand you re a very good teacher and you care for your pupils and you love your job, so don't feel guilty please.
I'm now 11 weeks pregnant, I know it's still early days... I take one day at a time and hope this one sticks.
Feel free to write me whenever you want.
And dont' GIVE UP


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

Thanks for your kind message - and congrats on your pregnancy!!! 🙂 I’m so sorry for your previous losses. I hope this baby will bring you the greatest joy!

I’m actually not in Europe and things run a little differently here for IVF treatment. Monitoring (bloods and ultrasounds) are all done at the 4 different clinics I’ve been to, by 10 am at the latest. To go through general blood labs or ultrasound, not only are the results back in multiple days, but the ultrasounds are for everything under the sun and you need to make an appointment, often they are full up to 3 weeks at a time unless it’s a medical emergency. So you have to go through a fertility clinic and use their hours.

When I had my m/cs, unfortunately it wasn’t just a bleed and going though it required support and extreme pain management. 

You’re right that I’m lucky to have my current boss’ support. That wasn’t the case before and I’m so grateful for this. I know some people have this very tough.

I do feel like I’ve lost my esteem in this journey as support is needed but our families aren’t great at it or overly emotional people, and it’s hard to feel ashamed at work when people know what’s happened, never said anything or may have said something hurtful. It’s hard not to feel like it’s me. I know I need to find strategies as this is my life and if I choose to pursue IF treatment the road is filled with obstacles. 

I guess the other realization is before getting married, a big identity was my work and my friends. So now that my reality is IF and work feels so shoddy and embarrassing, and some friends get it but most don’t, I’ve realized it’s a bit of a crisis.

I will work at reframing things but ultimately it’s been so lonely that maybe that’s the real issue I need to come to terms with. As a person who finds it easy to send a simple text or ask if anything is needed at the minimum, whether I can relate to a friend or colleagues struggle myself, the loneliness just feels deep today.


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## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

Hi!

I am not a teacher but I too struggle with work. My work requires very long hours and working nights so there is a certain degree of flexibility but is a false reassurance because there was time when I couldn't change shifts and I had to run to the clinic while working or just take a day off and censored word everybody off with that. Unfortunately people at work are not always supportive especially when it comes to fertility issues. I avoid saying anything related to that because I just don't think I'll get the support. I normally say things like "I have a medical problem." "I have a personal issue." and so far no one asked for details. The place where I work now is one of the worse I've worked being surrounded by absolute    I can't even imagine saying to them what I go through. I had many counselling session trying to overcome the stress and bullying that I get at work on top of the stress that I get with ivf. 

I've changed so much in the last 2 years in terms of work and I am not the workaholic I was once and have plans in changing paths, not leaving the system completely but doing something with more time off and less stress. Have you tried to see if you can work maybe part time? Will that be an option? I wouldn't know what options are there for teachers. 

I am sorry you experience this, ivf is hard as it is without adding the extra.


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

Aley, I'm so sorry for all that stress. It makes me feel so sad to think about all this stuff, but I suppose sharing it with each other can help us feel like it's not that there's something wrong or icky with us, even if others actions can make us feel that way and we can end up feeling that way. I too have sought out counselling and found it very humbling to hit the point where I realized I needed the insight and guaranteed support of a professional through all the other aspects of IF.

Last night was a sleepless night and I found myself googling issues like this. I actually found quite a few articles on the topic with lots of comments below. Luckily the comments below were from people in our situation, not judging, lol! Some people were wondering if they should tell their boss or people they work with closely, regarding the absences or in the situation of miscarriage. I know some people are lucky to have compassion (I've had this before and I haven't) but I was brought to tears reading about what some women ended up going through with cut-throat people. Sometimes I worry about this world!!

I did work part-time for awhile. As a teacher that usually looks like half time. I did this hoping I could get through cycle monitoring and related appointments in the mornings and then get to work. So that usually worked pretty well, although sometimes I was even late and in a panic even with that arrangement, but the financial hit was the hardest. I know we can't have our cake and eat it too, and that there can't be the ideal balance or exactly what would make things easiest for us. But I have to admit the social stress and speculation was what has been the hardest to deal with. Also learning that some people actually don't give a    about your grief, loss or what treatment entails. The most surprising of all is when this comes from people who have children, had them no problem and love them more than anything!

I guess since my work is very relationship-based and interpersonal, I do take it quite personally. We are required to research, plan and collaborate together. Our job is also so maternal and for such young children, I wonder how people can be so caring towards students and their own children and be insensitive to someone going through IF or miscarriage.

Anyway, if you or your counsellor have strategies that have helped, please feel free to share! What has helped me most is talking to my husband about it, and having one good friend who is a good blend of factual and compassionate, to bounce situations and hard times off of. (Although, I sometimes hesitate in contacting her, as she is my only unmarried friend and I am sensitive to the fact that she would have loved to be married and have kids for a very long time now.)


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

Hi Hopeful Kayte

Hope you don't mind me posting as I am not a teacher. However I remembered that there used to be a thread dedicated to teachers on the boards, so I have dug out a link:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=330460.0

It is about 82 pages and now a year or so old but it may be worth a read to see how others coped. I know that some of the posters are still active on the boards so it may even be worth posting or private messaging.

Good luck and sending 
Turia x


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## HopefulKayte (Jun 16, 2017)

Turia - that is so kind of you. Thank you so much.


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Hi hopefulkayte.  I used to be a teacher and it can be so hard.  I recently retrained and I'm due to start my first job of my new career in January.  I was lucky to just be at home for my recent cycle but I don't know the outcome of it yet.  Either way, the main thing I'm worried about with my new job is people asking me if I've got kids.  It's one of the first things I always get asked.  I was in the team for a short placement during my course so I know some of them and I'm also dreading colleague pregnancies and coping with that as I was shielded from it during my uni course.  I remember when I was on placement with them one day I said I was feeling quite hot and one of the guys said 'oooh pregnant'.  When I said no I'm not he kept going on about it and ribbing me.  Dreading that kind of banter.  

I suppose my post isn't so much about the logistics of appointments and telling people but just to sympathise that it's hard in general.  I'm just dreading being asked about children or if I'm going to have them (especially as I'm newly married).  It's very hard in teaching though.  It's definitely hard wondering how people are going to take it if you tell them what's going on.


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## florenceroxanne (Nov 9, 2015)

Dear Hopeful
how are you doing?
I'm doing well so far, I'm just very hungry but no morning sickness at all. But I have a US scan in a few days so I'm really anxious.... fingers crossed.
I wanted to ask you something: would it be possible for you to work in the evening with adults? with my degree I can also teach in evening classes - maybe that would be better for you, both to organize your medical appointments and also because you wouldn't deal with very Young children. 
But if you could you probably would have done that.....
I also worked with a counsellor for 2 years, maybe more. She was a very good one and she helped me a lot understand my feelings, give vent to my rage... and she also helped me understand the importance of being PATIENT. People tend to consider patience as something connected with mildness, softness, even with subjugation. Actually it's not true at all - patience means determination and perseverance, it means you won't give up.
So many times people have been intrusive and have hurt me.
I remember once a colleague asked me: Are you a Mum? No, I'm not, I replied. 
But a part of me wanted to tell her: I'm an EX Mum, cause I've lost them all.
And then, going back home, I thought "the sun must set to rise" (Paradise, Coldplay).
So many times I have cried, so many times I have spent sleepless nights, so many times I have wondered "why?", so many timese I have felt a loneliness that words can't describe,  but I have NEVER felt "ready" to give up. 
I want to wish you and anyone who's reading a Merry Xmas but above all a SPECIAL Happy New Year.
xxx


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