# So angry I can't breathe!



## Cherubteacher (May 9, 2011)

Hi ladies, I just had to vent to people who would understsnd my fury and hurt at lack if support from a friend after a failed ICSI cycle. I told her by text that oyr only option next might be to egg share and this was her reply by text: 

"When your babies r born from other women they may find out when they grow up. Their surrogate mums might tell them or they might figure it out if they look nothing like their mums. They won't know who their real mum was. They wont know whom they came from and so they won't know who they r or their history or their maternal family tree. If any of them ever meet u they wud know u luv the child who came out of u but not them and that wud destroy their souls. It would be moral and unselfish if u chose instead to have a child with another man who will also be around to help bring up that child. Donating your eggs is so messed up. U have a responisibility for your eggs and their happiness, truth and wellbeing if they turn into children and become beings in this world."

I'm not sure i ever want to talk to her again. It's meant to be her birthday party at the weekend but no way I'm going after that. Feel so sad that someone could say that and think its ok after all the tears I've shed. I know she's just insensitive but I've never heard anyone be so cruel.


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## MovingSiren (Mar 17, 2013)

She is a very cruel woman is all I can say and kudos to you for not calling her and cursing her out!
I am livid here and it's not even to do with me! God, how can she be so heartless? You are best off without having her as a friend. Imagine how she would behave towards your child.
Lots of   to you and   things work out for you soonest x


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Well the good thing is you know what her views are. So no chance of her stabbing you in the back later. I'd suggest you just withdraw from the "friendship" gradually. Make sure you tell her at some point that you have decided against egg sharing (even if you go ahead) so that she will have no power to reveal things you may not want revealed to any kids you have in the future.

On this journey you will discover who your real friends are, it's best to bin those who in fact aren't really bothered by what you've been through and move on.

No point in being wound up by it just park her in the useless loser box and dump her.


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## KaitsWishOnAMoonbeam (Mar 1, 2011)

Sharing is something that takes great courage and a heart of gold to do, there's nothing selfish about it. Does she actually know anyone or spoke to people who have been recipients? She's talking cods-wallop, pure and simple! How can she say egg donating is messed up, as I can see its one of the single most generous, heart-warming  and life-changing acts for both families involved. The recipient is not a 'surrogate' and to call a mum-to-be of a successful DE cycle is pretty insulting. Its still their baby at the end of the day, you're just giving them a glimmer of hope! (Just want to point out what real surrogates do is amazing but in this snake lady's context its wrong).

You're making the right decision in not going to her birthday party, why would you want to celebrate the birth of someone so negative and spiteful. She may not be able to understand how someone would be so grateful to have that chance you are giving but she has no right spouting her poisonous opinions at you when you've been through so much already. You're best off without her hun!


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## Cherubteacher (May 9, 2011)

Thank you so much for the support. I'm meant to be writing reports tonight but really can't concentrate as it wound me up so much. She has apologised now but says she stands by her views and won't repeat them. She is asking if it's really her I'm angry with! Well of course I'm angry with the universe but actually right now yes, it is her I'm angry with! Anyway, I don't think she will ever understand so I'll give her a wide berth for a while. She will never know how badly someone who wants a child would treasure that baby and how loved it would be, whether from my egg or another's. I feel much better at hearing that I'm not alone in this view. Xxx


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## sunshine90 (May 16, 2013)

all i can say she is a very small minded person!!!  if there wasnt for people who shared there eggs then there would be couples out there that would never have the chance to have a child! which is heartbreaking. i find egg sharing such a courgous and kind thing to do and it also couples who cant afford the ridiclous price of IVF recieve treatment which in turn makes 2 couples extreamly overjoyed and grateful and 2 very loved babies (fingers crossed) i know everyone is entitled to there own views but there just silly and small minded views if u ask me!

if it turns out i need IVF i will most probaly be going down the egg sharing route xx


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Amazes me how insensitive some people can be! I would be in awe if one of my friends told me they were either egg sharing or giving altruistically! You are helping so many ladies who would not be able to have children without your help!

I guess one think we learn the hard way is that the vast majority of the time there is no point in discussing anything infertility related with "normal" people as they just do not understand!!

Do NOT let this girl wind you up hun, she really is not worth ur tears!!

Good luck in whatever u decide to do


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## sonyab1983 (Jan 2, 2013)

Oh my ?!?!?! You say this is a friend You don't need people like this in your life, I mean how much for insensitive can you get??

I am so mad, that someone can actually think & say something like this.. I personally think you do right in not going to her birthday party, I'd be wanting nothing more to do with her.

But head up & stay strong, don't let small minded individuals like her get to you!!!

Follow your dreams & go for it sending you big massive


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

I am speechless. She is obviously so ignorant about IVF. 
I agree follow your dreams too. x


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi cherubteacher,

I'm so sorry that your friend has hurt you when you are already feeling vulnerable and in need of reassurance and support. I know that not everyone agrees with DE - including some ladies who use this forum - but a text is never a helpful way of discussing any subject, let alone one like this. She obviously has little understanding or empathy with your situation, and even less about egg donation. Without an amazing lady like you I wouldn't have spent this afternoon burying my daughter in her sandpit whilst she shrieked with delight. I am her Mummy in every way that counts and though her conception wasn't what I thought it would be when we decided we would try to have a family it certainly isn't some sort of dirty secret. In fact, I think it makes her even more special because it took 3 people to take a huge leap of faith and go through so much for her to be with us. Though she isn't yet three we have already started to tell her about the lady who helped us because I want it to be something that she has always known. Please know that if you do decide to egg share that your recipient will feel as grateful as I am for being given such an amazing and selfless gift. Perhaps your friend might have a better understanding in the future and be more accepting and understanding so that you can heal this rift. For now you need to take of yourself and do what is best for you. 

Caroline


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

My god it just goes to show if youve not been through this shi*ty journey you have no clue. Steer clear. I agree with ivfmamma.... xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Mmmmm


Tbh i dont think its about agreeing or not agreeing with DE, if people don't agree with it then thats fine, thats their choice.  Its about how you communicate your feelings and frankly such a sensitive issue should not be written that way and def not in a blooming text.  The other thing is what does she actually know about DE?  Her friend is going through a difficult situation and she needs to be supportive towards you and your feelings, not think she has got the right to be so negative and forthcoming with her feelings in a text.  If she really disagrees and feels the need to tell you then thats fine, but find a better way of saying it.  


I have to be honest and say DE not for me, but i would never never send a text saying that my thoughts and feeling on it are personal, whats right for one person nots always right for another.


Ignore this silly lady who thinks she has the right to express her feelings in such a horrendous way, she will be no support for you if shes unable to put her feelings aside to help and support you thorough your journey shes not worthy of your friendship. xxxx


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## Lozzaj83 (Jan 11, 2011)

I just wanted to add that if it wasn't for people like you offering to egg share, then my DH and I would never have a hope of a child. We are currently on a waiting list for a DE, and it is truly an amazing thing that you could do for someone. 

I said to my DH when I had IVF with PGD - that if there were any 'good un's' then we'd share, but unfortunatly this wasn't the case. 

At the end of the day, its your decision, and I think it is a truly un-selfless act. x


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## vickym1984 (Jan 29, 2009)

I would be servely distancing myself from this "friend". If anything, the resultant child will most likely be happy that you helped their mum (because that is who the receipient will be to them, their mum) achieve her dreams


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## springsunshine (Apr 4, 2009)

Hi

Sorry you had to go through this. Just wanted to say that I would drop the enemy friend immediately, without hesitation, and carry on through life minus having to listen to/read her opinions. She will only come out with another corker at a later date. Get rid!!!!

Good luck on your journey hun.

xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## flowerfaery (Apr 26, 2012)

Tell her if she wants some informed opinions then she can check out the Donor Conception Network.  They have a group for donor conceived young people and adults who are in rather a better position to comment than she is.
Sadly some people feel free to spout off on subjects they know absolutely nothing about, she's just displaying her ignorance.  Opinions are like arseholes, everyone's got one 

Flower


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## the_tempress89 (Oct 19, 2011)

hi hun, 

im so sorry for what your friend has said to you, no real friend could give an opinion like that in such a hurtful way! even if it was her view there are better ways to express it!!

i do not agree at all with what she has said, for me i dont think i could receive a donated egg ( im not yet at that stage and may very well feel different if it ends up my only option) but i am all for egg sharing nd have thought about doing it myself numerous times. i believe that although the eggs i give would be mine - the child that comes from those eggs wouldnt be, because another woman has loves nurtured and grew that egg inside of her, and the only part i played was giving her the chance to, not any different to a docter performing a treatment or anything else. 

i think the people who do egg share are wonderful women, especially those who have been through their own journey and know how much of a gift they are given. 

i cant help but get the impression your friend was going on as if you were adopting your already born child out. i was told by someone recently that children born from a donated egg have rights to know about where that egg came from, but for me i dont think it would really matter, its not a child your given up, its one small part of what makes a child.

if you want to go ahead and give someone the most wonderful gift one woman could give to another then go right ahead, and good on you for doing it.

if it was me, even with an apology from her i would no longer think of her as a friend, and would distance myself from her, she has shown her spiteful attitude and i would be concerned about what else she could do. 

best of luck hun in whatever you do and however you decide to act with this person who claims to be your friend xxxxxxxxxx


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi, people who have not experienced infertility have no idea and should keep their comments to themselves.


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## chaab01 (Mar 16, 2011)

I was sorry to read what your friend said.......by text if all things! No one can truly understand the pain of infertility other than those who've gone through it. For us we did 9 rounds of heartbreaking IVF before making the decision to go down the donor route. After 4 failed attempts we were finally successful on the 5th attempt and I am typing this whole watching my beautiful 6 month old sleep! My dh and I are completely and utterly obsessed with her and are grateful every single day for our donor who gave the greatest gift a person can give. I met our my donor and she is incredible, for her all she wanted was to help people like us who tried every route possible to have our longed for family. This wonderful person did not know us beforehand but by her generous gift has completed our lives wholly and completely  

And you can tell you friend from me, I am not my daughters surrogate mother!!! I am her mother, 100% I'm the one who carried her and gave birth to her. I'm the one who she cries out for, I'm the one who comforts her and kisses her a million times a day and tells her that I love her to the moon and back!

If you do go down the egg share route rest assured that the recipient will be grateful for your gift forever.


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## springsunshine (Apr 4, 2009)

Aww Chaab01 - that's so lovely xxx


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## Weebear (Jul 24, 2013)

I can't believe a true friend would give such an opinion. I have one friend who is not the most sensitive but has never been so cruel. However I do stay away from her most of the time. All her job as a friend is to do is support you in your journey, she has failed. I don't think I'd be bothering with her.


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

So angry on your behalf, not a 'friend' you need on your life xxx


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