# Time for a change!



## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi ladies

I had my last failed ICSI at the end of September and up until recently kept myself very busy. However, now it is quiet all hell has broken lose. Work pulled me in to say that I was being rude to other members of staff and I ended up crying for about an hour explaining how I had been trying to keep it together after have 2 failed ICSI's last year but was not doing a very good job of it. Finally admitted I need to be at home for a while. 

I have a doctors appointment tonight and feeling nervous that he won't sign me off. My boss seems to think a few weeks will do the trick (oh to live in her fast healing world) but I am not so sure. Feeling very fragile about moving on but at the same time I don't want to be this miserable, bitter, angry person either. Our infertility is due to my DH's condition and although I have slight endo I seem to be ok though I would never take that for granted. It is very hard to give up on my dream for love but I do know it's the right thing to do. Thanks for listening to my little rant.
x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Yamoona, 

I would hazard a guess that every single one of the ladies who frequent this thread with any regularity has had a moment like yours. Last September, I went back to work three days after my last failed IUI, and had to sit through a meeting with an eight month pregnant woman. I got out of the meeting, ranted all the way down the street, got in my car and phoned in sick. I didn't go back to work for ten weeks.

I guess I'm saying that it's ok to take a break.

If it isn't too painful, make a list of the situations you are finding hard to deal with, as well as what help you think you light need. This will help you feel more justified when you go to the doctors. We all feel like this sometimes, but believe me, people have huge chunks of time off for less that we go through. You've lost the most precious hope you had, and the fact that you get up in the morning is a marvel. Value yourself, acknowledge what you've been through, and be as assertive as you can muster when you ask for sick leave. 

Finally, you should come and rant here ten times a day if that's what it takes.... I am on extended sick leave for the third time in 18 months, and I check in a few times a day. 

You are not alone, 

Love, 

MM xxxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Thanks, I do keep bursting into tears (doing it again right now). I feel I need a month away as although I am a part time self employed holistic therapist, the rest of the week I work for a well known children's Charity. Everytime I go in I see children that have been poorly treated and worse sexually abused. There is nothing I can do about it but it breaks my heart that they have to go through it and their idiot parents get away with it. Also several of the ladies who work there have recently had/or are expecting babies and whilst I am happy for them it is just another thing that sets me off (well actually most has been filed away until now!!). 

x


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Dear Yamoona - I wanted to reply to you before you have your app tonight.

Firstly, unless your boss is in the medical profession or been through any sort of IF treatment, it's not for her to decide how long you should be off.  I hope she gave you some support - do you have an HR dept where you can confide in someone in confidence?

I'm sure if you explain to your GP how you are feeling, he will sign you off if you both feel you need time away from work for a while.  Please don't be so hard on yourself it's still very soon after your last lot of treatment, you need to come to terms with how you are feeling before you can move on.

I know work issues can be such a problem especially if you don't have the support, it's very difficult knowing who to tell and not.  

Good luck tonight & let us know how you get on.
Lots of love
Nix


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Yamoona, 

You, like me, have a job that pushes buttons every minute. 

You definitely deserve a break from having your nosed pressed quite that hard against the shop-glass window.

Be kind to youself.

As Nix says, let us know how things are later.

Love, 

MM xxxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hello yamoona
I feel for you. It's hard trying to push on and be giving to others when inside your heart is being torn apart.
It sounds to me like you are totally burnt out and a rest is a good idea.
hope all went well with your dr
take care 
Lots love Jo


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello Yamoona,

I hope this will not seem out of order, but on reading your initial post my first reaction was to think you do not have "to give up on my dream for love" You have love in your life, love for your DH. I know you meant giving up on your hopes for children, and I do know how difficult this is, but I hope you will understand what I mean. That love for your DH is something to hold onto.

Yours is not a little rant! It is the heartfelt cry of a woman who has so much to give and who is denied the opportunity to give as the fantastic mother you could be.

When I read your replies to the answers you received, I felt so much  admiration for the work you do. I curse the world when there is a news item about child abuse and neglect. And if it is the parents who have perpetuated this gross offence, I rail at the injustice of their having children when good people like those on this board are childless. And yet you are dealing with this weekly. No wonder you need some time off. Your work must be the hardest job a woman facing IF can do.

I hope your GP has recognised this and given you the time off you need. 

Please do not worry that the feelings of misery, anger and bitterness will never go away. The work you do with the Charity and as a therapist are proof that you are a caring, warm and empathetic person. You just need time and support to heal yourself before you can put these positive attributes back into other people once again.

It is time to look after yourself.

Please stay in touch,

love to you, Jq xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Thanks for all your lovely replies. My DH came to the dr's with me for moral support and I just about held it together though still spoke through muffled tears. Needless to say he signed me off for 4 weeks but said the children will still be there when I return! This is an issue I need to look at whilst I am off. When healthy I can tackle just about anything but right now change is the last thing I need.

I also have a trip to France booked at the end of March to visit my best friend so I will be off in total 5 weeks. This is a huge relief and my boss sent me a very supportive email and is encouraging me to let my guard down (not something I find easy). Feel very run down today but I guess that's what happens when you let it all out. Also dreaded witch is on her way, never a fun time with endo.

How is everyone else today?

JQ - You weren't being out of order at all love is a wonderful thing but alot of women I know would rather have their children because of the powerful love they provide then anything else in their lives. Nature is a strange creature, she makes you behave in strange ways. Some people have both, some only have one or the other, the trick is finding your place and making the most of it. I know it is a sensitive subject for us all and I hope I haven't said too much as sometimes I do that.

x


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Yamoona,

I'm so glad you got the time off (even if your DR was a tad insensitive!! - what about offering you some support/counselling or something??!! Grrrrr  )  ANYWAY......  It must be a huge weight off your mind not having to think about work just now ....

I know when I had my m/c I took 5 weeks off and I really needed this time.  I just wasn't ready to face the world at all before that.

You said you need to look at the fact that "the children will still be there when you return".  All I can say is, try not to put too much pressure on yourself whilst you are off.  There's only so much your mind can cope with at once and I would say just try to cope with each day as it comes, take things day by day and try not to even contemplate the future until you're feeling a bit stronger .....  At the moment, when  things are so raw, all i can advise is try not to look back but dont look forward either.  Just give yourself time to rest and look after yourself.

The trip to France will be a Godsend and on another positive note, at least your boss is being supportive too so that's good.  (Mine wasn't - despite being loyal to her small business for 5 years, when I returned to work she decided to dock my salary for the 5th week I was off because our contract says we only get paid for 4 weeks!!  this was despite her knowing of all our failed tx and m/c!! Needless to say, I shortly left....)

I know how awful endo is.  It's no fun ......  Try taking plenty of long hot baths with trashy magazines and your favourite "upbeat" music.  I know this always helps me when I'm feeling down.

Hoping you see brighter days very soon,
All my love
Gill xo

PS.  Don't feel guilty about "losing it at work" as you say, you are only human and how many other people could go through such losses without showing any emotion?  Not many I would think .......  Those that don't understand that aren't worth the energy ....


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Gill you are so right. I am always planning the next thing as this has enabled me to push my sadness to the back of my mind. Not a healthy thing to do. Now I have to try and just take each day as you say, not easy for me but my dog and long walks will help.

Will check in again later.

Love to you all.x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Yamoona
I am sorry that i am abit late in replying...but the girls on here are fab and have given such wonderful contribuations...
I am so releaved that you managed to get four weeks off on sick leave. Firstly you need to look after yourself. Take time out and as i can see you have a trip booked. Generally just look after You. If you do not feel that you can cope to go back to work nearer the time. Then address it then and if you cannot..then you cannot..you do not owe anybody anything!!
This is a very traumatic stage at IF.....nobody really understands those feelings and emotions unless you have been faced with this crossroad. I always felt that i was looking at myself in the mirror and this was happening to someone else...
But it is about you and your hubby....time out to discuss what is best for you both at the moment. Even taking the pressure off yourself for a few months and then go back to the drawing board. Its so nice to start finding yourself alittle, instead of being so emerged in all of this IF..
I am a firm believer in looking after what is best for you. But we are not very good at it....Infertility is so underestimated with the public. Most people think do abit of IVF and it will work. If that doesn't work 'why don't you adopt'? and then if you say its over and you have called it a day. Often the reply is well it wasn't meant to happen...
Well its so flipping clear cut to everyone...but its life changing...its emotional..it has financial implications...it affects your everyday life...it puts pressure on your friends and families, with you in the middle...
Just reading the above is enough to say...be gentle on yourself...
lots of love astridx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Yamoona

I'm so sorry that everything has come to a head like this for you. I've been there and done the burying my head in the sand bit (affectionately known as '**** in air syndrome' by me and my DH) whilst I've tried to live hiding under the guise of a 'normal life' to all and sundry.

The problem is, as you are finding out my lovely, that when we push all our thoughts and feelings out of the way they invariably come back to bite us very firmly on the bum - and pow - it bloody hurts and knocks us for six!

Your dr - well I wanted to throttle him when I read what he had said to you referring to your job - of course you bloody know the kids will still be there when you get back to work. What a prize pilchard saying that! Anyone who is in our position are painfully aware of kids, and colleagues/family/friends around us who are in the process of having kids. Its a fine tightrope we tread on a daily basis, and its made increasingly difficult for us because we feel we have to be seen to be 'coping' as IF is a silent suffering, a subject which is taboo in society. It is no wonder many of us have felt the way you are feeling right now!

Stick with us honey, we're here whilst you explore everything surrounding what you're feeling at the moment. You are not alone - and never be afraid of thinking you are saying too much... it is a great help to talk, besides which you are surrounded by kindred spirits who understand...

Be gentle with you sweetheart x

Much love
Emcee xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi lovely ladies, how are we all today/weekend? I started off good but have got worse as the day goes on. My DH and I have been together for nearly 6 years and married for a year and half of that. For some reason in the last year my MIL has been very funny with us and not very supportive. Today my DH told her I had been signed off work and she didn't ask why or if I was ok. I feel like she doesn't like me and my DH feels she has lost interest now we can't provide grandchildren. I am in no state mentally to handle this as I am likely to explode at her. Guess I just have to hand it over to her as it's her issue not mine, just makes me sad for DH as he feels rejected and if that's because of me then I feel really bad. No win situation. Feels like all my relationships are going to pot at the moment. 

On a silly note, the cat in the picture is my oldest pet (18months) called Luna. He has a fetish for bic razors!! Weird I know but you can't leave them lying around as he will endeavour to find it. Well he has just found one and run past me with it in his mouth and is growling like a bear. I am off to chase after him to retrieve it before he ends up shaving himself!!!! 

ps Thanks again for all your support, it means a lot to me.
xx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Yamoona, 

Repeat after me, 'this is my MIL's problem, not mine, this is my MIL's problem, not mine, ad nauseum.....' For every one person who has the courage to feel compassion for us ladies and to be direct with us about our challenges, there are five who just can't deal with it. I'm sorry to say that probably nearly every one of the ladies on this thread have suffered damage to at least one relationshiip in their life, I'm therefore not sure it is avoidable, but one thing it isn't is your fault. 

Save your finite energies for you and your DH, and your slightly masochistic, if not very cute pet!!!

One hour at a time, and remember we are always here......

Love, 

MM xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ditto to what MM says Yamoona!

You cannot take responsibility for your MIL's awful behaviour honey - everyone has a choice about what they do and how they treat people. I had 2 lots of knee surgery recently, the last one being major reconstructive surgery and my MIL never came near me, the hospital I was in is only 10 mins from her house and she knew when I was in there both times! I never had so much as a phone call, a visit, a card... nothing... DH was left to struggle on his own working shifts and looking after me, doing the shopping, cooking, housework etc. MIL is retired, she is 62 and in great health, drives etc but we never seen or heard from her!

I have been with my DH 15 years and know the past 6 since the grandkids came along (my wayward BIL and his snapdragon wife produced them) we especially me since DH already has a DD of almost 16 have been systematically 'blanked' out of his family, and yes I used to feel terribly guilty about it until I realised - its her problem and most definitely *not mine !!!!*

Incidentally SIL was also in hospital last year but she had regular visits from MIL & FIL 

Thinking about it now I reckon I was lucky not having to deal with her turning up at the house - I would not have been able to make a quick escape with a gammy leg, would I? Oh, the horror of it! 

So just remember honey that this is not about you, it is all about your MIL and her ridiculous notions... she sounds as if she is related to my MIL!

Hang in there hon, hope the cat didn't shave himself?  I have 2 mad cats, they are entertaining, aren't they?

Love,
Emcee xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Well it's sad but comforting to know that I am not the only one having this problem. I know I am taking on too many worries at the moment and you are all right I must hand it over as it's not my problem or fault she won't ever be a grandmother. 

MM I hope your knee is getting better, must have been painful. My cat didn't get the chance to shave himself but it is a very weird habit he has. He would jump in the bath with me if it meant getting a razor!! Maybe it's the colour. He also likes it when DH plays darts, he tries to catch them and thinks they are birds - nutter.

xx


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Had to laugh about your cat he sounds a right little character 

I have 2 cats and one of mine has a fetish for peeing in bags...gymn bag or carrier bags he's not fussy.   He will do it any chance he gets, so I have to be quick sharp to unpack my shopping! 


Sorry you have had such a tough time hun, hope the time off work helps you. Sorry about your MIL too. I know her behaviour must hurt, but it is her problem not yours. 

X


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Yamoona,sorry getting to this late but have been off on halfterm and didnt post as was having a break. I am sorry to see that you are moving on but glad you felt you could join us here.

I am glad also that you took the time off - i also took 5 weeks off after making a final decision to stop treatment just to be by myself and work things out.I am a secondary teacher and i just couldnt face the girls for another 8 weeks. I went back to work for 2 weeks (before splitting up for summer) and like you had a holiday arranged - we went to Spain for 2 weeks. It helped calm me down for a while and i felt much stronger for quite a while after.I hope this helps you too.It's time to take care of YOU !!! XXX


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi lovely ladies, well got the dreaded witch today and she came with a vengeance. So far had to take 4 painkillers. Still very down and very cross with everyone/thing, I want this to end  . I hope 5 weeks is going to be enough. Have just had some good news that my cousin and his family are moving to my town. They had found a house but it fell through and now it's back on. If all goes well they will be here in 2 weeks.

Thanks again for all your support, to know I am not alone is a massive relief.

xxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Yamoona,

Sorry I have been away a couple of days. I am glad you have been given the time off and a visit to your dear friend to look forward to.

It sounds like your boss has responded with compassion, that is good.

I am sorry to hear that your MiL is so unsupportive, especially now when you really need some caring. Mothers and mothers in law can be such a deep source of disappointment to us can't they? I think we daughters and sons naturally expect their support when we go through such difficult times. It feels as though this is something they can't relate to and so ignore? 

As the others here say, it is not something you can take responsibility for. You can't change her, but I trust you will find ways to deal with the emotions such rejection causes. Sadly this seems to be a part of the IF journey for so many people. 

Thanks for saying I was not out of order when I spoke of love! I have a bit of a thing about holding on to the love you have in this life as I nearly threw mine away when I was first having to cope with living without my own children. Thankfully, I learnt a lot from that experience.

Your cat sounds such a character! What will he do next?!!

Keep in touch,

Love

Jq xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Well as you all know it's my birthday tomorrow and DH has just gone and ruined it again like he did last year. He has been angry since last night because the new windows are going to cost more than he thought and on top of that my birthday is going to cost him money. When I said I wish you wouldn't make my birthday sound like such an inconvenience he told me the only reason he never buys me nice presents is because I nag!! Which I don't. He then smashed up on of the original Victorian doors and it is so bad he has had to take it off the hinges. I have friends who I have not seen for years turning up this afternoon and I am a mess. I can't stop crying and he keeps getting more angry because I am crying. He said it's my fault he smashed the door and that now I will leave him and he will loose everything when all he wanted to do was buy my present. If that were true then why did he moan about it and be angry, the truth is he hates not having much money and yet I think it could be a lot worse.

Last year he caused an argument on my birthday and he has done it again this year. I am at a loss as to what to do. I have no family to turn to and nowhere to go and yet I know in my heart this marriage is in such trouble it will be a miracle if we survive. I really feel he hates me and no matter how much I try and talk to him he won't accept how I feel. I can't live with all this anger. Sorry to burden you all but did not know where else to go.


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## foreign body (Oct 12, 2006)

Yamoona, first of all ..........HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

I am not surprised by your husband's reaction. He is less able than you in dealing with his emotional pain. Infertility has taken its toll on him too, but men being men, he is just shifting the blame on something totally unrelated, such as your birthday, the window frame...anything can become a target for his repressed anger and his sense of frustration.

I am familiar with this sort of behaviour. When my partner was having problems at work, he managed to spoil a great holiday in Bali. Nothing was good enough for him, he would make me change hotel every other night because of "noise" (which i couldn't even hear!), or the bathroom was too small for what we paid, or the aircon was not powerful enough (mind you, the sea breeze was so cool i had to wear a cardigan). Going to restaurants was a source of embarrassment for me as he would send back his wine complaining that the wine he ordered had been replaced by an inferior one (and he is no wine expert!), dishes were either cold, too spicy, or too salty etc. 

When he finally changed job his tolerance level went up a notch by magic.
I am not without blame either. At times i have behaved like a real *****. Actually everytime i realised that all our mating efforts were fruitless. I didn't even need to tell him that AF had shown up, he could tell by my sarcasm. No matter how nice he was to me, i felt we were a complete failure as a couple.

I don't know if infertility issues are undermining his confidence, or whether your relationship is affected by something else, but i wouldn't be surprised if this were the case.

I hope that being surrounded by friends will help you to sail through your birthday and enjoy it.
A big hug.


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