# Feeling frustrated with people who dont understand



## KatAaron (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi

I felt like I was coping quite well until my sister in law (who also happens to be my best friend) announced their pregnancy to me and my husband a few weeks back. They told us 2 weeks before our initial appointment at the fertility clinic. They got engaged at Christmas so my hubby and I were completely shocked at this news as we thought the wedding would be next. I had a couple of very tearful weeks - she said she was sorry and that life wasnt fair and that I could rant, scream, cry at her but when I got angry with her she turned. I decided to go round to see her and told her everything about how I was feeling - anger, jealousy, irritable, inpatient and I think she now finally is trying to understand. She says she will support me but I have said how can u when right now our worlds are so far apart. Right now I cant even bear to see her and I cant look at her bump if I do! Are these normal feelings!? I started feeling more like me and stronger emotionally at the beginning of this week but on wednesday I came down with tonsillitis and have been in bed since so I am obviously not very strong physically at the moment!
Can anyone else relate to how I am feeling? I cope quite well with pregnant women and babies in general but with this being in the family and being my best friend it feels too close. As they are going for scans, getting baby things and decorating the nursery. My husband and I will be going to numerous appointments, having intrusive treatments and possibly having failures. 
My best friend wound me up when she said 'you should be excited about starting ivf' I thought dont tell me how I should be feeling when you have no idea how hard it is trying for a baby for 2 years and possibly still not being any closer. She also says things like if me and my partner couldnt have children then we'd adopt. I feel like saying my husband and I used to think that but it is so very different when u r in the situation! 
Sorry for the rant! 
Xxx


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## Lovelypup (Oct 7, 2013)

Hi Kat,

I understand how you feel.  I am feeling so ANGRY.  It just isn't fair.  And the girls who haven't faced infertility simply do not have a clue how deeply devastating it is.  I am angry with everyone at the moment.

Just remember that it is normal to go through these emotions.  There is nothing wrong with you.  

My MIL is the worst for insensitive, stupid statements.  I have to bear in mind that she is quite thick (!) and doesn't really get it .  We have to do IVF because she didn't notice that my DHs testicles hadn't decended.  Someone at his primary school finally noticed when he was 6 and he got an operation then but it was too late for his balls and his sperm is abnormal.  She says patronising things like "aww it'll happen if you relax" and I feel like explaining to her that that would be a miracle and that she could have avoided this horrible thing happening if she had been less of an idiot.  Then FIL is the tightest person on the planet (despite having money) and when I told my DH I would like to pay and go private to avoid long waiting list if possible (because every month at the moment is a lving hell) and he said I was being ridiculous. I have a well paid job and wasn't going to ask him to contribute so what the hell right does he have to say this?!  

OK that's my rant over.  Thanks for reading.


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## KatAaron (Mar 13, 2014)

Thanks for reading and for your reply Lovelypup. Im sorry to hear your in laws are not supportive/understanding and are saying all the wrong things. Mine have surprised me so far but now that my sister in law is pregnant we will probably be pushed out as they will be getting excited about having a grandchild. I hope you manage to start treatment as soon as possible. We havent started yet we are currently waiting for genetic test results as my hubby had to have these due to his low sperm count and he has to have one more semen analysis before we are referred onto the fertility clinic which offers the treatment.  We are quite lucky as a new clinic has opened in our area and we have been told there isnt much of a waiting list at present. Good luck xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

LatAaron


I totally and utterly feel for you   , i have been there and its hell!  It took me and my dh 6 years to finally get pregnant, so have seen many friends and family have children, one of my brothers has 3 children with in that time.  YOur feelings are totally and utterly normal and hopefully will lesson through time and acceptance that she is pregnant.


What i would say though is that your sil will say and do things that you perceive in some kind of negative way.  You have to remember that she wont understand what its like and why should she, she's never been there!  But shes also in a place that shes never been before, being pregnant for the first time is very scary.  I think friendships have to be both ways and the only way i coped with very good friends being pregnant is by finding a bit of mutual respect for each others situation.  My friend didn't carry on about being pregnant, or about her fears of giving birth, but i acknowledged her pregnancy and always asked how the baby was, but it was never the bee all and end all of every conversation.  Your friend is still the same person and so are you, it may be difficult to start with but it will get easier.


Try to be there for each other.  Good luck xxxxxxx


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## WannaBeAMummy (Jun 29, 2008)

What you are feeling is totally normal. My sister had a baby last year and I was the most jealous person you can imagine! I never felt her bump when the baby was kicking as it seemed too painful. I felt guilty then and still do now about my behaviour but I couldn't help it.

I hope your miracle comes along soon.

Xx


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## KatAaron (Mar 13, 2014)

Thanks for your replies coweyes and wannabeamummy   I did text her to say good luck with her 12 week scan on wednesday so I am trying. I am scared about how I will react as she gets bigger and when the baby is born. Im not normally a jealous person so I have been feeling really guilty about feeling like this! Xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I think the anticipation is often worse than the event!  Remember it wont always be this hard your dealing with the shock of knowing shes pregnant and her pregnancy.  Once she has had the baby and it gets a bit older, i think the jealousy subsides a lot as you don't so much see the pregnancy and baby connection anymore.


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## trish_88 (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi KatAaron

I felt the same when my SIL was pregnant. She had told us she was pregnant, when we had our news that we couldn't have children naturally, so it did come at the worst time. But to her face, I was very supportive, asking about scans, and hospital appointments. As soon as I came home, I would cry my eyes out, thinking that life wasn't fair, and I wanted to a baby too.

When he was born, a year last January, it was the best feeling ever. I went to see her and my nephew at the hospital, they day he as born. When I held him, I cried, but my in laws all understood that it would be hard for me. But he is such a beautiful little boy. I seen him every weekend, and had lots of cuddles with him. I found it easier, with him being family. If I ever feel a it low, I ring my SIL and ask if I can come and see her and my nephew, and she will let me. Personally, I find it harder to see a baby, that isn't related to me

It was only when I had my miscarriage last August, that my SIL has stopped coming to see me, or making excuses if I wanted to see her and my nephew. I don't know why, so I'm finding that more difficult than when he was born.

xx Trish xx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi,

My two younger sisters have both had babies in the time we have been TTC and I have found it really hard at times, but as someone else said I seem to find it harder with friends who announce that they are pregnant.  One of my friends is about to have her second baby and before she became pregnant again she kept talking to me about how they were unsure whether to have a second baby or not, as it was such hard work the first time and they weren't sure if they could cope.  I found that so hard as it felt so painful that they could just 'decide' to have a baby and I just wish it was that easy for us.  Anyway they decided to try for a second baby and she became pregnant quickly, which felt like another blow for me.  She used to ask me if I was pregnant yet and what was happening with the hospital etc but now she doesn't ask or even mention it at all...


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## NatW (Aug 12, 2013)

Hi KatAaron,

First of all I want to tell you that all your feelings are very normal. There is definitely nothing wrong with you for feeling like this.

Secondly I want to tell you I can so relate! My husband is the eldest of 5, he has 4 younger sisters. It just so happens these 4 younger sisters are extremely fertile! In the time we've been trying, there have been 7 nieces and nephews born and number 8 is on the way. In fact the pregnancy of number 8 was announced the week after my miscarriage, so that was definitely a bit of a blow! I think when it is family it is so much harder than when it is a friend. You're more likely to see them more often and of course all everyone wants to talk about is babies! It can be very hard. But what I will say is that it does get easier once the children are born. They bring so much joy and laughter and I genuinely hope that this is the case for you.

I think you're doing the right thing in explaining to your SIL how you're feeling and hopefully she will give you the space and not demand you feel her bump, or wave baby clothes under your nose! This forum is a fantastic place for support, so rant and rave here as much as you need to   xxx


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## KatAaron (Mar 13, 2014)

Thank you all for the messages. It makes me feel much better about the way I feel and less guilty. They announced the pregnancy on ******** on Sunday and that was a kick in the teeth. We have so many mutual friends that it was plastered all over my ********! xx


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## Lovelypup (Oct 7, 2013)

I deactivated ******** because all the baby/pregnancies/kids in my newsfeed were getting me down. If you deactivate it you can deactivate it when you feel like it. X


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## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

Hi

I totally understand how you feel. My sister in law (who's also one of my best friends) has 2 boys aged 5 and 2 and she's now pregnant with her third... I was completely devastated when I found out, don't think I've ever felt so angry and jealous. I was shouting at DH BUT SHES ALREADY GOT 2, ITS JUST GREEDY!!!' After a while I came round and spoke to her about it and she said she feels really guilty like she's betrayed me.. 

It's sooooo hard this whole thing. I lost my mum when I was 12 and I'd say this is on a par with that, if not, even harder sometimes because it's do utterly relentless and you can't move on, just have to keep trying and getting knocked back. We WILL get our babies though and just think how happy we will be. 

Hugs xxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi all

I have lost count of the amount of friends who have had numbers 1, 2 and 3 while I have been ttc number 2. One girl had 2 babies (not twins, sep pregnancies) while I was at my second clinic! Jesus, you have to laugh....... it's so hard. I try not to let me heart feel cold and bitter towards them, but it's bloody hard. I know I don't/won't continue feeling that way - in fact, I find it harder when they are pregnant than when bubba arrives. ********? Forget it..... facef*ck, more like it!!!!!!!

Peace to u all, and babydust too

R xxx


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## LadyPatience (Feb 6, 2014)

rubster said:


> Forget it..... facef*ck, more like it!!!!!!!


This thread just keeps getting better   but I don't want to overlook all the angst being shared here. If you're feeling bitter and jealous, incredulous at people's ability to get pregnant and incapable of feeling happy for pregnant women (even your loved ones), you are so not alone and I'm so relieved it's not just me who just feels dead inside every time another one makes their big fat smug-faced announcement*.

More power to you, you strong, fighty and FUNNY women. We need more of this!

LP XXX

STAY OFF ********!

*Though friends on here I couldn't be happier for #doublestandards


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## Lovelypup (Oct 7, 2013)

LadyPatience I think you have got it right.  We need to find the funny side.  If we lose our sense of humour we have nothing.

Before I deactivated my ********, my friend Mark's girlfriend (she is SUCH a cow, always grumpy and just plain rude) kept posting smug pregnancy upates all the time (booooring) and my husband would hear me through the wall shouting "F*** You Sarah!" and he'd be like, "another picture of her fat stomach?"  Yeah.

I'm a bit nicer about it when it's someone I like but Sarah.... I hope her baby is just like her


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## KatAaron (Mar 13, 2014)

Thanks for all the messages ladies! They have made me feel tons better! I tried to show interest by saying I would like to see the baby scan pic but because I didnt congratulate her on ******** she didnt come round when we had arranged to to show me the pic. So because she got funny about me not congratulating her on ******** I havent spoken to her since... bloody b***h!

Hugs and babydust to everybody! xxx


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## Lottie9 (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi ladies 
I'm Lottie haven't been here for such a long time but in need of some understanding support as I'm ready for bashing my head on a brick wall :-( 
My story is so long and painful but I know from reading all your posts you'll get that and you'll know how bad I feel right now :-( 
I'm sick of people telling me it'll be ok ! You'll get there in the end ! It gets easier ! Have you thought about adoption ! You'll have your own baby one day ! Be happy for them ! Etc etc when all I wanna do is scream and cry the amount of pain I'm feeling right this minute! 
Xxxxxxxx


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