# Our new journey to become a family 2017



## itsonlybridge

Hi everyone  

DH and I are currently 13 long years in to trying for a family. We have been together for 21 years and married for 10. After 4 natural mc, we turned to IVF but the first attempt failed. After extensive testing with a private clinic, we discovered I had high killer cells so our 2nd cycle included treatment to combat this. It worked and I became pregnant and we were stunned. I remember balling my eyes out staring at those 2 little lines, we were overjoyed. At a private early scan, we sobbed tears of joy when we saw 2 strong little heartbeats on the screen. Although ever so cautious, we thought all our dreams were finally coming true as the weeks went by and a second scan confirmed they were going strong although measuring a little bit on the small side. Despite this, I had a huge bump almost immediately (mainly due to OHSS) which I adored and never tired of marvelling at. I'll never forget sitting in the garden in the summer with DH, the pair of us grinning and talking about how the future would be with our little twins. Sadly it wasn't meant to be and we lost them just before 12 weeks  

The nurse who had seen us through through the cycle and all the scans, grabbed my hand and told us she was so sorry but she couldn't find either of their heart beats   The gut wrenching howl that came from somewhere so deep within me, the shaking sobs coming from DH as he held me trying to comfort me whilst the nurse also tried to hold it together will stay with me forever. Devastated doesn't even begin to cover how we felt and I knew then I couldn't go through it again. 

The days following the scan passed in a blur of tears and emotion. We were handed over to the NHS and were made to wait before they would consider performing a D&C. My body refused to let my little babies go for 2 torturous weeks and finally I was booked into hospital and sent to theatre. It was the longest day ever and I can still see the pain etched on DH's face as he sat next to my bed trying to find the right words. The hospital agreed to send the twins remains for testing so we could at least try to find out why they had died.

6 weeks later the results were sent to us and we discovered they had both been boys      They had Trisomy 22 which is a chromosome disorder incompatible with life. At least we had an answer and we silently said good night to our precious boys   

I spent several months wondering whether we should have one last attempt with PGS IVF where they would screen the embryos for chromosome abnormalities before transfer, but that came with its own risks not to mention price tag!  We talked and mulled it over and over but deep down I think I just knew I had reached the end. DH felt this more strongly and said that he didn't think he could cope, helplessly watching me go through it all again and we finally made the decision to close the door and look at a different way to create our family through adoption, which was something we always said we would consider if IVF failed.

Having made the decision, I feel as though a weight has been lifted. Our lives have been on hold for so long whilst we have ridden the fertility and IVF roller coaster, it is almost refreshing to have a new path to travel.
I don't think I will ever fully come to terms with not being able to carry my own child to term and give birth, but my way of thinking has changed from the desperate need to get pregnant, to the desperate need to have a family. When I think of the future, I predominantly think of my family doing things together and not of being pregnant and giving birth like I used to. 

I've accepted that it is always going to sting when someone announces their pregnancy and I am always going to get a jealous pang when I see a pregnant woman. However I am also beginning to accept that we all have something in our lives that other people long to have and I am grateful for my wonderful DH. We have a relaxed and happy marriage. We are healthy and fairly fit and really enjoy spending time together. We have a lot of close friends and family who are very supportive of us and our situation. We have a lovely home in a country village with an amazing community and our best friends recently became our neighbours. I have a great job and my DH has recently set up his own business and the future is looking very bright with that. A family would now be the icing on the cake of our life and give us a purpose. 

I long to cuddle my children, play in the garden in the paddling pool on hot summer days, go for picnics in our lovely countryside, bake in the winter and snuggle on the sofa watching a Christmas film, read bedtime stories and most of all hear the words 'mummy and daddy'. I totally get that the reality of life will involve tantrums, tears, hard work, long days and probably no sleep (we have 16 nieces, nephews and godchildren who have shown us that!)  but we have been so ready for all of that for so long I actually can't wait!  

So having contacted many adoption agencies which were all local authorities, I came across a charity run adoption agency who are not part of a local authority but who work alongside all of the authorities in the UK. Rather than just matching children within your area like the local authorities do, they have a wider pool of children within all of the authorities all around the UK. The phone call I had with them was the most helpful and positive and they immediately sent me an extensive information pack with an initial application form.

We are still open on age to a degree, but like a lot of people we would prefer as young as possible. We were told by all of the agencies that they already have many adopters waiting for ages 0-2 but we are not in a rush and it has to be right so we are willing to wait. I have also seen from these diaries and forums that the agencies seem to tell all potential adopters the same thing in the beginning and many then go on to be matched to a young LO quite quickly. 

More research since then on other people's experiences and I think I may need to stop reading the stories because the more issues I come across the more I am narrowing down our options. For example, we initially we felt the younger the better, but then we didn't factor in that we wouldn't actually know at that stage if there were any learning difficulties etc that wouldn't show until early development check ups. At the other end of the spectrum, the older the child, the more traumatised they will be from their experiences. Don't get me wrong, we don't expect to adopt a perfect child, but at the same time, we are not going into this to deal with severe mental trauma either. We are just not equipped to deal with those issues, but there are many wonderful people out there who do take those children on and give them what they need. 
We simply want to give a child/children who have had a difficult start in life, a loving forever home and I really hope that doesn't come across as selfish or nieve. 

So we have completed our application form and have included that we have supported a family member though adoption as well as some friends so we have some understanding of the process involved. We have also already asked our chosen family and friends if they would agree to be referees for us and they have all said absolutely yes without question which is lovely.

We now have to wait for an initial appointment for a social worker to come out to see us so that is where we are currently.

Would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation or anyone further down the process who can relate to our stage and how we are feeling with things at the moment. 

Thanks for listening to my waffle! Xx


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## itsonlybridge

So a few days on and we have completed and returned our application form to the VA of our choice and meanwhile also contacted a couple of others to be sure we are making the right choice.

I have been doing quite a lot of reading including a book by a lady telling the story of her adoption process. I wish I hadn't started it as it was the most negative account ever!

It seems to be quite the norm for many people to specify 0-2 initially and for the social services to pull a face about it. They are obviously keen to recruit adopters for children aged 4 and above and children with disabilities or learning difficulties. We are setting our parameters from the outset and although we are flexible and will consider outside of that bracket, we are not cut out or equipped to deal with some of the disabilities and issues children face and it would be unfair to pretend we are. So I am already feeling defensive before we have even begun (which I didn't plan on) in readiness for that conversation with our sw if and when it happens...

It has been refreshing to read some of the adoption stories on here and see things from the perspective of people who are and have been through this. Everyones journey will be very different but our values and experiences that have led us to this path seem to be very similar.

I have been on these boards for longer than I care to remember through natural fertility and then IVF and I feel as though I am working my way lower and lower through the forum list... I felt a pang earlier when I scrolled down past natural fertility, IVF, end of the Road, Moving on and then down to adoption right at the bottom... but then on a positive note, the parents section is the next one down  

My mindset has shifted massively in just the last week alone and DH has said the same so that's positive as we really feel this is now the right path for us.

Hopefully we will have an appointment with a SW soon to move along with the process.... if we get accepted that far!


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## Tictoc

Hi Bridget - yes a lot of social workers will tell you 0-2 is almost impossible but that was all we were looking for. We were turned away by a few LA's and by all VA's when we said this is what we were interested in. However, after much fighting to get someone to approve us we were matched with a 12 month old, then with a 9 month old and finally with a 11 week old (through foster to adopt). 

Would you consider foster to adopt? There is a risk it might not convert to adoption which is obviously very hard to get your head around but it really does yield benefits for the baby.


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## itsonlybridge

Hi Tictoc, thank you so much for your message, it's really good to hear that things worked out so well for you and gives me hope. 
Did you go with an LA or VA in the end?

I'm not sure we would consider foster to adopt at this stage as the thought of going through the whole process to be matched with a little one who could then be taken away fills me with dread, particularly after the year we have already had. However like you say, it would be very beneficial to the baby as we would be their second family as opposed to potentially their 3rd, 4th or more! I think I would consider it more if we already had a little one so maybe it's an idea for the future.

Did you have concerns with the 11 week old as to any medical issues that might show up as a result of their background? I feel terrible saying it but I do worry that as much as I would love to adopt a young baby, they could develop severe learning difficulties etc that we are not equipped to deal with and they wouldn't show until the developmental stages of their lives. 

How long did you have to wait to be matched after you were approved? Sorry for all of the questions but thank you for your advice xx


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## Tictoc

No problem - that's what the forum is for so ask away. We went with an LA in the end as VA said they were unlikely to place children so young.

First time round we were matched about 4 months after panel. Second time we went to panel in June, were matched beginning August and he moved in mid August (faster than expected to get ahead of holidays). Last child is birth sibling of our second youngest so we were approved in case plan became adoption.

If you do foster to adopt you assess each situation individually - some placements would have more risk than others but even if no risk of them leaving you is initially seen a birth family member could come out of the woodwork and be suitable so you definetly need to know if emotionally you could cope.

I guess with any baby, birth or otherwise, you can never know what might develop. He appeared healthy, the medical s a looked after child have are far more detailed than a birth child would have but really I guess until they all reach school age be won't really know if any have learning difficulties. When we started this journey we wouldn't have chosen that but now they are our kids and we love them so we will just have to deal with whatever life throws at us. Unfortunately you are going to have to accept a level of uncertainty with adoption. It's seem so overwhelming when you are at this point in your journey but once the kids are home it's just part of your life.

My sister has all birth kids and her second oldest is suffering quite badly with autism - nothing diagnosed in families from either side so who would have predicted that.


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## itsonlybridge

Your journey has given me real hope Tictoc   and you give some very good advice so thank you. I have taken it all oboard  

You are absolutely right it is a bit overwhelming at the moment but I'm sure things will settle once we get used to what we are dealing with a bit more.

How very true, you really have no idea how your own children will turn out so why would it be any different with adoption really.. They are the same risks really for both when you think about it.

Well our agency have said it will be up to 10 days before sw calls to make appointment for initial visit so settling down for a wait now xx


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## Dawn86

Bridget, I'm at an earlier stage than you so nothing particularly useful to add. But I did want to reply and say I'm so sorry about your twins. Big hugs. X


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## itsonlybridge

Dawn thank you for your kind words. I have read your diary and you are certainly not a 'coward' for feeling that you are at the end of the IVF road! 

We all reach a point where we have to draw a line and everyone will reach that point at different times depending on their circumstances, and some will not need to reach that line because it will work out for them. We are all on an individual and unique journey. 

For those of us who managed to achieve a brief pregnancy, the line may possibly be drawn sooner because the emotional trauma of miscarriage certainly takes it's toll. I have been through 5 miscarriages in 13 years and I just don't feel I can go through it again. This decision comes with it's own mix of feelings from guilt to selfishness and uncertainty about the next step, but it is a step I feel I need to take for my own sanity as much as anything else. I have already become more prone to stress, agitation and being snappy in recent years.. what sort of a person or parent would I become if we continued the IVF rollercoaster on a relentless journey with no ETA. It is a draining, soul destroying process that I can now say I am now glad to see the back of, but it has taken a while for me to get to that stage. DH was there way before me.

I now feel as though a weight has been lifted, a few friends have commented that I suddenly seem to have a 'light and airy' aura, and it feels as though a great pressure has gone. My shoulders have literally dropped and I don't have thoughts and doubts gnawing away at my frazzled brain. I'm sure there will be future challenges and worries, but they will be different and towards a more positive outcome rather than an uncertain one.

I find these forums and my diary invaluable for offloading and getting things out of my head, it really helps me to work through a lot of worries and uncertainties, particularly when reading back through past posts, and its wonderful to have the support of each other on these boards.

You will work through your mixed thoughts and emotions as time goes on and you will also find a renewed sense of strength before long. Sending you positive vibes and hugs xxxx


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## itsonlybridge

I've been gathering my thoughts today and jotting down some issues that are currently to do with whether an LA or VA will be better for us, and age range. I have written the pro;s and con's from my experiences so far and this is what I have concluded!

LA 

LA have children waiting within their remit so their adopters take priority over VA adopters with being matched and so more chance of being matched with a younger child than with VA.

VA

VA have access to a wider pool of children as they work along side most of the LA's in the country.

Because VA has access to children nationwide, it is more likely to be matched with a child outside of your area which I think would be beneficial. In the even that we have met our childs birth parents, the last thing we want is to then 'bump into them' in the supermarket at a later stage, or to have to avoid a certain area for that reason.

VA are dedicated soley to adoption unlike LA who also deal with other areas of child welfare, so they are able to offer a more personal service and work 'for' the adopter to find the right match as quickly as possible. 

VA will accept adopters 6 months after IVF if they feel the adopter is ready, whereas all LA's have told us 12 months standard.

VA do not try to put you off or refuse to take you on when you specify you would prefer a younger child but instead explain the reasons why there are not so many younger children available to adopt.



I think I have talked myself into going with VA then!!  If anyone has any views or any pro's to add the the LA list please feel free. the more information the better.

Today I have spoken to Adoption First who are a help centre for adopters. I discussed my thoughts and the lady I spoke to was wonderful. She took the time to give me a full explanation of several things that have made me begin to see things slightly differently.

When foster to adopt was first mentioned to us by the VA sw, we dismissed it straight away because of the risk of the child being taken back to the birth family etc. Having spoken to this lady today, she explained that Concurrent adoption and Foster to Adopt are slightly different and that thought should be given to each if we are certain we want a younger child in the 0-3 bracket. This is what she told me.

Concurrent adoption 
This is where a child or baby are removed from the birth parents and placed straight with an adoption family but no adoption order has yet been agreed. The aim is to always try and place the child back within the family when it is possible as adoption should be the last resort. The risk here is that a family member could come forward or the judge could decide to give the parents some time to 'sort themselves out'.  The child could therefore potentially be given back to the parents. The risk is small though because the only time concurrent adoption is considered is when the family have a history of issues and it is pretty certain that the judge will give an adoption order. Obviously it's still not a guarantee.

Foster to adopt
This is the same process as concurrent adoption but there is less risk as the court has already agreed an adoption order but the application is still being processed so it is yet to be finalised.
The chances of anything happening to change the order at this stage are very slim as it is extremely rare for a judge to go back on an adoption order because by that time, all avenues will have been explored to try and keep the child within the birth family. There is obviously still a small risk.

She explained that although a lot of people just don't want to take the risk at all, the percentage of children that are taken back after being placed in concurrent adoption or foster to adopt is tiny.

Children being placed into Foster to adopt or concurrent, will be given to adopters straight from the hospital at birth or from the care team soon after removal from the birth parents.

Children who are not placed in concurrent or foster to adopt familes, will be put into foster care until an adoption order is granted by the court and then they will wait for a match to an adopter which could mean they are in foster care for sometimes years before a family is found. This is why there are rarely very young children available through the main adoption route, as most babies and younger children will go straight to concurrent adopters or foster to adopt families.

This makes so much more sense now!! Foster to Adopt is something I am going to discuss with DH tonight now I have this invaluable information. 

Feeling a lot more positive about the whole thing now which can only be a good thing.


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## Perkins2

You seem to be going about this in the right way, very levelled. I wish I'd met people that had gone via the VA route as I might have had a better understanding of it. Just to add a bit of confusion in the mix - our LA takes adopters after 6 months of IVF but our social worker said it's her own personal preference for people to wait a year. 

F2A, concurrent planning.....there's so much to get your head around isn't there!


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## Thepinklady

Just a few things I want to add about adoption/ conccurrency and your post. Also I wanted to clarify some terminology. It is the placement order that the courts will be considering not the adoption order. A placement order is needed for a child to be placed for adoption and then an adoption order is the final order that is applied for after the little one has been with their adoptive family for a minimum of 10 weeks.  Without a placement order a child can not be matched with an adoptive family. The only way they can be placed prior to a placement order is through fostering, hence the fostering to adopt and concurrency. If and when a placement order is granted you would be official matched for adoption and then could apply for an adoption order. 

You have summed up concurrency fairly well. I will stress through that concurrency and foster to adopt are quite different and the risks are entirely different. In foster to adopt as you said the decision through a LAC review will have been made that the plan for the child will be adoption but this will have not yet been to court for a placement order but the social workers are fairly certain that the courts will agree. The only issue that might arise would be a family member presenting as a possible kinship carer. I think the statistics are around 98%  of placements go on to receive a placement order and subsequent adoption order.

Concurrency is quite different. The active plan for the child is rehabilitation home but concurrently to that plan is a plan for an early adoption, hence early placement with a foster family who will adopt them if need be. The cases choosen for concurrency are quite different to foster to adopt. In these cases while their is a history and it is deemed that the parents may well fail in their assessment they have shown some motivation to change or to be able to make the changes. The support and assessment they are given is very intense. The statistics here are around 90% of children end up adopted. This is considerably different to foster to adopt. We are one family who had their little one return home through concurrency. It did not put us off and we are in the middle of another concurrent placement but we are very strong emotionally and in our faith, it is not for everybody! The part of the country that I am in have a big concurrent pilot project running currently and to date after around 30 placements 4 children have returned home. It does happen in concurrency and you have to be prepared for it as a real possibility. 

You can not enter into concurrency without believing in it as a child centred approach. The right outcome will be decided for the child and not you the adults. It should not be entered into as a way of getting a newborn or very young baby. You may end up heartbroken. Foster to adopt though is a much clearer and less risky and should be considered if you can deal with a little risk. it is fantastic to give the little one early permanence and I can honestly say if the little one we had had stayed with us having had her from very close to birth the outcome for us an family would have been so much better.

If you want to hear a little more about our experience with concurrency feel free to pm me. All the best in your decision making. You are doing the right thing in all your research and when you get into a home assessment your social worker will get to know you and help guide you into the right decision for you and I think the right route for you will before clear.


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## itsonlybridge

Perkins - there is absolutely loads to get your head around but I am finding the research quite fulfilling to be honest. The more I am learning the more equipped I am, and it's easier to drip feed the end result of any research to DH as I go along which seems to work quite well as I have more time on my hands than him just at the moment.

Pink Lady thank you so much for clarifying the information I posted, that makes a lot of sense and it its really helpful to hear this from someone who has the experience of having done it.
I'm sorry to hear your first concurrent placement didn't end up staying with you but like you say, you have to go into that process with your eyes wide open and you will have given that child a loving secure home when they needed it the most.

I dont think concurrency will be for us because as you say, that process is purely about the child and you need to be totally selfless about it but we are definitely now open to F2A.

I'm sure I will have lots of questions as time goes on so thank you for the offer to pm you, really appreciate that and all the best with your current concurrency placement xx


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## itsonlybridge

Feeling emotional today as I have just found out that a lady I was cycling with has given birth to her twin boys.. We had the same due date so feels very bitter sweet   xxxx


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## itsonlybridge

So I had a call back today from one of the agencies we expressed an interest in last week. The sw began by saying my online application only gives my first name and phone number. I explained that I had submitted quite a lot of information including a full but brief description of our circumstances. She said that their systems are useless so it was probably their IT guys at fault!  She then immediately asked what age range we were looking at, I said under 4 (having learnt from previous sharp intakes of breath in response to my saying 0-2). She then launched into what sounded a very well rehearsed speech saying that unless there was something very special about us, there was no way we would get a white child under 4 placed with us through them... she gave an example that 1 year old twins were recently placed last week that had Down's...  I asked what she meant by 'special about us' and she changed the subject so I can only take that to mean, if we are prepared to take on a difficult to place child.

I mentioned that we were also looking into F4A at which point she gave a laugh and asked what had made us look at that option!! I was feeling quite intimidated by this point but I explained that after some research on the subject, we felt it was in the best interest of any child and something that we were prepared to do. She replied 'yes it is in the best interest of the child and not you.  You might be fostering that child for a very very long time and then have to give it back... are you prepared for that?!'

So having realised that this person was not interested in anything about us and just wanted to lecture me, I decided this probably wasn't the agency for us, thanked her for her time and ended the call.

Not the greatest of days and I must admit I am feeling a bit defeated today with no other agencies having called back as yet. 

I am totally aware that we are not anywhere near even the bottom rung of this ladder yet and we have an awful lot to learn, research and process as we go through, but from my experience so far I can see why potential adopters might give up before they even get going! I am certainly not going to give up and can only hope that we will find an agency who's sw's support the needs of the adopter as much as the children they are trying to place.


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## Tictoc

I don't know about other people but get used to rejection, brush it off and keep going. First time round we were rejected by 8 LA's because we wanted a white baby under 2. It happened in the end though. 

After we adopted her a couple we met through that adopted a black baby and made me question my reasons for wanting a white child. We thought it was best for child to be within a family that reflected their ethnicity but the reality is a lot of mixed race babies stay in the system a long time so really is it better for them to be adopted or wait for the right ethnic match. Anyway - being more open here meant we were matched with young babies again. We live in a pretty diverse area so not know where you live or anything about you I don't know if this is something you could consider?


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## Perkins2

That was my experience with the VA that I phoned, sounds like the same person! I actually came away wondering why they had her answering calls as she was bordering on sounding sneering at my answers. I came off the phone feeling really bad that I wasn't prepared to take a disabled child. Also like you I have said 0 to 4 as I was too self conscious to say 0 to 2, although I've come round to the idea now. 

Our LA was much better & haven't made me feel bad at all for stating what we would prefer. 

We have said they don't have to be white British as long as they aren't too different looking to us. For my own selfish reasons I just don't want everyone looking at my family thinking I've been with a different man to my partner. Im sick as it is of every nosey Parker asking me when I'm getting married or when am I having children, I don't want to give people more nosey questions to ask me about!


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## itsonlybridge

Tic Toc and Perkins, thank you so much, it's good to know it's not just me feeling up against the authorities. I'm not going to change my answers to what they want to hear anymore.. At the end of the day, yes we do want aged 0-2 and that decision has been made after a lot of research and hearing from many other peoples experiences with older children. 

We are however willing to consider siblings with one of the siblings being above that age bracket and we will also consider F4A and like you Perkins, they don't have to be British White but not too different looking from us, for the same reasons you gave. We are also open to some medical conditions, and minor disabilities that don't affect quality of life..  But I am not going to be made to feel like a failure because we are not willing to accept children from a certain category.... 

Honestly it amazes me that some of these agencies manage to get any adopters through the process with the way they speak to people.

Anyway, thank you ladies for your messages and I certainly will be brushing it off and carrying on today with some more calls


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## Tictoc

That made me laugh Perkins - all 4 of my kids have different birth fathers and when people ask where they get their eyes (for example) from I struggle not to say 'oh I'm not sure - cant pinpoint who the birth father is'. I do think you need to be honest with yourself though and if it's an issue to you it's not going to do anyone any good being matched with a child who is clearly not yours biologically.


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## itsonlybridge

Well what a difference a day makes! 

Just spoken to a wonderful sw at an LA who I hadn't approached before as they are slightly further away than the others... She was nothing but positive and made me feel that we are very suitable with an awful lot to give a child/children. She spoke to her superior to make sure there wasn't an issue with the 6 month period since my m/c and she said that after speaking to me,  they are more than happy to take us on now  

She had no issue with our pre-school age range or anything at all that we said, she just kept saying things like 'that's lovely, you have wealth of experience with that which is brilliant'. 

So she has opened a file for us and taken some details. We are booked in for an open evening with them next Wednesday and from there they will book our initial sw visit. 

Feeling much more positive about things now, at least we are on the bottom rung finally! xxx


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## itsonlybridge

Well they say everything happens at once!  We have had a call from a sw at the VA who said she had been trying to get in touch with us for a few days to make an appointment for a home visit, so we have booked her in for next Thursday.

We have also been to the adoption evening with the LA which was a really positive experience. We were pleasantly surprised as we had heard a lot of people say that the information evenings are quite off putting. The lady was great, she went through the entire process and what we can expect to happen. It was all very honest and real, but positive and informative. She said they are running low on adopters so they are keen to recruit people as soon as possible. There were no surprises or anything we didn't expect so the research has paid off.

We left feeling quite positive so I called them yesterday to register our interest and was told they would now pass our details to the adoption team and we would get a call within 10 days to book a home visit.  They called today! So we now have 2 home visits booked next Thursday with LA and VA, one in the morning and the other on the afternoon... at least we can make a more informed decision then.

I have been researching 'attachment'. There seems to be much speculation about the subject but it has made for very interesting reading. There are so many issues that these little ones have to deal with, I agree that it's important that we as their future parents, are equipped to deal with these potential issues to the best of our ability.

Meanwhile, we are catching up with jobs on the house that needed doing and have had the gardener in to sort out an area ready for the spring which will also make a bigger space for children. We are also doing a bit of decorating but we are deliberately avoiding the spare rooms in the hope that we could be making them into children's bedrooms before too long... I heard a wonderful saying on one of the adoption forums that is so fitting and actually makes me fill up every time I think about it.... 'Build it and they will come' xxx


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## itsonlybridge

Lovely home visit from sw this week, all my fears came to nothing and despite my cleaning efforts she didn't even look around other than a toilet visit!  

Very bubbly down to earth lady, explained her reasons for certain questions and why she would need to go into detail on some things to ensure we got the PAR written in the best way because it needs to please 10 plus people at panel. 

She doesn't foresee any problems and commented that she was on a roll as she has had lots of straightforward adopters recently so we will take that as a good thing!  

She told us that there are lot more cases of mental health issues in birth parents in recent years and this is becoming a bigger issue than drugs and alcohol in her experience. She also said she had placed a lot of under 1's recently and spoke positively about some of the children lighting them up with her descriptions of their little characters. She also spoke about the more difficult to place children and the need to ensure we are clear in our minds and with her about what we are willing to consider. 

We originally said  one child or siblings 0-2 but she made us realise that we could be closing the door on a perfect match with say an 8 month old and a 3 year old and the 3 year old could 3yrs 4 months for example and we could feel it is perfect but because we were only approved for 0-2 it closes the door. So it's better to say 0-4 but she knows in her mind what we realistically want when she is family finding. Makes sense.

So she now takes our initial details to her manager to get an approval to move to stage 1 which might take a week. Hopefully she approves us and then sw will book our prep courses, our next appointment with her and also book our panel date! Eeek!  

Our babies could be out there already just waiting for us to go get them.. Such a strange mix of feelings but above all very positive and happy and raring to get going!


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## tinkytoes

Hey Bridget, I remember those feelings!  It is so exciting! Best of luck with it all, I hope the process passes quickly for you.  I recommend tons of reading, loads and loads, it really helped us to understand some of the likely complex issues we will be facing and it also looks good from SW perspective.  She took a note of all the books we have read so I think it may go into our PAR.  We are four weeks away from panel tomorrow!  It can't come quick enough.  I am so happy   Those miscarriages are a dusty old memory now.  I'm so glad we did this.  

xx


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you Tinkytoes   not long now until panel for you! I wish you all the very best of luck xxx


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## itsonlybridge

So yesterday we received a lovely Valentines gift in the form of a phone call from the sw confirming we have been accepted by her manager to begin stage 1   

They are sending out our official application form to complete and we have received lots of paperwork via secure email including a DAB form, finances sheet and a home health and safety check list which I have found quite mind boggling! Questions such as 'Are there thermostats on all hot water taps', are all radiators covered, are there locks on the bathrooms doors and are all toiletries locked away!  I can see why a lot of the check list is there but some of it seems a little bit extreme to me, but I accept that the standard has to be across the board and all eventualities have to be covered. Well it has given me something useful to be getting on with and I have just ordered a fire blanket which is one of the requirements.

We have also been booked on to our 3 prep courses and have been lucky enough that they fall on a weekend so that will be in March, followed by a sw visit to go through all the forms above.

Meanwhile, I have been researching and reading as much as possible (you will be pleased to hear tinky toes   ) and will continue to do so. It makes for very interesting reading.

I finished watching a 2 part programme called Moorside last night that portrayed the true story of Shannon Matthews who's mother and uncle faked her kidnapping. It really brought home to us the types of families some of these children are coming from and also a lot worse. It made me feel sad that our future LO's could be out there right now being mistreated which was a sobering thought  

As time is going along I feel more strongly than ever that we are doing the right thing and it is good to now have some dates in the diary to work towards. 

DH is in full swing with the new business but we are making time to sit and talk through what I have researched and DH is being really supportive of my efforts and reading my condensed versions that he find easier to manage than the reams of repeatative  paperwork. We have started referring to 'our children' in conversation from time to time which feels so good. He was complaining that he had no space in the wardobe at the weekend and I commented that we may need to find space for 2 more little peoples things soon! Not that we have a space issue whatsoever with 3 spare rooms! DH just needs a good clear out lol

We looked after our 3 year old godson at the weekend who is very lively to say the least! I was fully expecting a very challenging day, but he was actually as good as gold. We had a really lovely day pottering about, went to the shops and bought some stuff to do some baking and had a go on the bright orange car in Mozzers which he enjoyed (very loudly!). Then we went through the car wash which he was absolutely thrilled to bits about and then home for lunch and some baking followed by a film (The good dinosaur) a nap, decorated the cakes and suddenly it was time for him to go home! Perfect day  

So onwards we stride with our quest to become a family


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## tinkytoes

Yay, all sounds incredibly positive! The time will zip by once you get going.  Glad you're getting the reading done!  It does really help, especially when you're in stage two, as you will likely find by then you will approach some parenting situations in a different way than you perhaps may have first thought.  I really like the Dan Hughes stuff. It also scares the living pants off you.  

Sounds like your safety report is a bit excessive, we only have the thermostat on the boiler checked and no radiator covers.  Blimey.  I recommend nailing down the house early on in stage 2 and don't leave it too late like we have!  Still doing things now and only two weeks to panel (but nothing too taxing at this stage).

Lots and lots of luck xxx


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## itsonlybridge

So we have our prep course day 1 & 2 this weekend which I'm sure will be an eye opener from what I've heard. The 3rd day will be next Saturday.

Our friends and family who agreed to be referees for us have all received their paperwork to fill out, 8 pages of questions about us!  
That is a strange feeling.

We are booked in for our medicals at the end of this month and our next sw visit is in 2 weeks time, although she is is still off sick at the moment with a nasty virus so that could be delayed. 

Meanwhile it's been research, e-learning and reading. So far I have read 5 books. although they aren't very big, but feeling pleased with how much we have learned so far. It is very interesting and a lot of my thought processes have been completely changed over the last couple of months.

Home safety checklist should be ok, we now have a fireblanket, a fire extinguisher, bathrrom string lights, tied up high. Toiletries, bleaches etc will all be locked away with child catches on all kitchen cupboard doors so we are getting there!!


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## Dawn86

Sounds like you're powering through Bridget! 

I feel so slow! I'm still waiting for 6 months to pass after failed treatment, before I can get going.

Keep us posted on how you get on with the prep courses. Good luck!


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## itsonlybridge

Dawn, the time will go quicker than you expect. It really is nothing like the IVF waiting when I was convinced at points that time had actually stopped passing altogether! You are already almost 3 months in and maybe if you contacted them next month they might book the 6 month appointment then for you so at least you have a date in the diary    

First 2 days of prep done. It was very informative and well structured. We learnt an awful lot but and it was really helpful. It was also pretty overwhelming and we had to remind ourselves last night that our child/ren would not actually have ALL of the issues raised and that we are just being made are of every possible history/issue and behavioural problems.

We had 2 adopters who came to speak to us and give us the benefit of their experience. One had adopted 2 little girls at 16 months and 6 months so very close in age. She spoke of the bonding process and how life changing the entire thing has been. She proudly showed us their photo's and it was clear to see she loves them very much.

In the afternoon a guy came to speak who has a 7 year old birth son and an adopted little baby girl who is now 1. They adopted her 6 months ago and again he spoke of the importance of the bonding process and how he found it a bit more difficult than his wife because he was at work and not with their little girl all of the time.

We were quite a large group of about 20, really lovely people some of whom I can see us keeping in touch with.

So we came away feeling quite frazzled, tired and worn out with information overload and wondering what we are letting ourselves in for... but glad to have the knowledge to draw on in the future. It is good to have gotten the first 2 days out the way. Next Prep day this Saturday and the final one on Monday 3rd April. 

Our sw has been back in touch and our next appointment with her is 20th March. So we have something adoption related in the diary every Monday for the next 3 weeks!


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## SLB1984

Bridget, please may I ask which books you have read or found helpful? Thank you very much x


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## itsonlybridge

SLB, so sorry for the delay, I totally missed your post.
Here is a list of the books I have read so far:

An adoption Diary - Maria James

The Adopters handbook - Amy Neil Slater

Adoption - What it is and what it means - a guide for young people 2003 - Shaila Shah

The Adoption Experience - Ann Morris

Take Two - Laurel Ashton

Adoption Undone - Karen Carr

Adopting a child - Jennifer Lord

No matter what - Sally Donovan

How I met my son - Rosalind Powell

Creating Loving attachments - Kim s Golding & Daniel Hughes

Attachment Handbook for foster care and Adoption - Gillian Scofield (borrowed from Prep Group Course)

Hope that helps xxxxxx


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## itsonlybridge

So the last 3 weeks have been eventful with paperwork overload! We seem to have managed to bag ourselves a scatty sw, so she has had to revisit a number of things as she tends to be quite forgetful which can be frustrating, especially when I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to being organised with paperwork! 

Our DBS checks have come back, our medicals are done, pet assessment done, home health and safety complete,  finances submitted,  friends and family references done and interviewed, 14 books read! An e-learning module complete, 4 prep days done, chronology report complete and mountains of paperwork completed and signed! 

Day 3 and 4 prep days were good and it was ncie to meet up with the group again as they are now becoming familiar friendly faces and a few we will certainly stay in touch with. There's a certain kind of bonding that happens on these courses when you are all sharing similar experiences and emotions throughout the day and sharing personal stories.

So now we wait until 21st April for a final decision as to whether we have been accepted to begin stage 2!

If that is approved then we have weekly meetings booking in with our sw throughout May with a view to being at Panel in August! 

Meanwhile, we are being kept busy with DH new business, and planting in the garden! I have a raised vegetable bed this year which I'm super excited about (that will be due to the fact I am 40 next month!   ) 

DH is taking me away to York for a spa break on my 40th which I cant wait for and hopefully we will be going away in June for our last holiday abroad for a while.

It's all go!!! xxx


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## itsonlybridge

Well our sw called on Thursday to confirm that we have been approved through stage 1    We weren't due to find out until the end of this week but her manager is away this week so it was brought forward so that was a nice start to the bank holiday.

Sw is going to confirm dates tomorrow for Stage 2 home study sessions which should be throughout May and first week of June, then panel will be August! 

It is good to get the first stage out of the way, feels like we are getting somewhere now. It is strange to think I could be on adoption leave before the end of the year although it could of course take a lot longer. I often wonder if our little one/s could already be out there now, or even yet been born! I am already standing in the spare room picturing it as a nursery, as I have done countless times over the years... could it finally be happening


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## tinkytoes

Brilliant news Bridget!!!

Things will start moving now  

Best of luck with it all, I really enjoyed the home study and in a way miss it. Hope yours goes as well as ours did. xx


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## itsonlybridge

Thanks Tinkytoes  

So we have now had our first two home study sessions this week to go through out childhoods, education and work. The write ups took some time and are going to be quite full on as we have a session with sw every week with a write up to be handed in a couple of days before each one! In addition, we have 3 pieces to write up in our words about particular life events and also our Pen picture which will summarize us as a couple to go with our profile picture. No pressure! lol

I think we have finally agreed on a profile picture and managed to find one where neither of us is holding a glass of wine or a beer!  

SW said that DH presented himself well in his individual session and that a lot of men tend to give 'yes/no/don't know' answers, so that was encouraging to hear. She also said she could already see him doting on a little girl and that she could see she would definitely be a daddy's princess  

So back to the coursework for now.. it's very interested reading back about yourself actually, quite therapeutic seeing yourself summarised in that way! 





We have a panel date for August so the end is in sight!


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## Fertilityhawk

Hi Bridget

Sounds like you're making really great progress    must seem so refreshing after the fertility treatment.

I just wondered if you could enlighten me on what the pet assessment involved?  We have a springerdoodle who is 3 years old.  He absolutely adores children and would make a great companion.  The only thing that concerns me is that when we walk into our house he always picks up a shoe or sock that he likes to greet you with.  We think it's adorable, he never chews just carries them around in his mouth.  Would a SW be concerned about this and potentially picking up a childs toy instead of a shoe or sock?

xxx


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## itsonlybridge

fertilityhawk The pet assessment is really not as bad as it sounds. .It is basically a questionnaire aimed mainly at dogs and asks general questions about their temperament and routine. It asks if the dog has a place it can go if it needs some space alone and how you deal with toileting in the garden. I honestly don't think they will have any issue with your labradoodle who sounds adorable! I would be inclined to just wait and see if he does the 'picking things up' thing when the social worker is there and let her bring it up if she wants a discussion about it but I wouldn't imagine it could be an issue that can't be worked around.. we have learnt that as long as there is a work around they are satisfied. Their issue is with dangerous breeds and you would not be allowed to adopt with some of those.. hope that helps


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## itsonlybridge

The end of stage 2 is in sight!

Well the last few months have actually gone really quickly! We have had our last sw home study session this week and she is now finalising our PAR which she will then send to us to approve.

We have found the whole of stage 2 intense but not stressful. Our meetings have been weekly so the write ups have been a little under pressure but the actual meetings have been fine. We found it all quite therapeutic and have learnt quite a bit about ourselves. It was nice writing about our lives and discussing it with each other as well as sw. It has shown us patterns we weren't consciously aware of and helped us to see how events and life has shaped us into the people we are today. It also confirmed that our thinking is along the same wave length which can only be a good thing  

I can't believe we finally agreed on a profile picture but we did and its submitted now, so that's that   

We have so far been shown 3 short profiles of LO's which has been very different to how we imagined. We figured that it would either feel right or it wouldn't. This was the case for the first 2 who we felt weren't right for us straight away, however the 3rd was a shocker to the system.

We are considering siblings (2) and we have specified 0-4 but ideally we would like one of them to be a baby. So on the off chance that we might be interested, sw showed us the short profile of 3 LO's ((gulp)) who were siblings needing to be placed together. They were older than we would like so when she first mentioned it we immediately thought that 3 was just too much to take on... but when we saw them oh my!!!! We absolutely fell in love at first sight, they were just adorable and their little characters were wonderful. As the day wore on, the doubts started creeping and there just became too many 'but's' for us to be able to commit to them. It was a very difficult decision but it had to be a no in the end... so the morale of this for us is that nothing is ever as simple as you first think it might be.  It has helped us realise that sometimes it might feel right initially but unless there are no 'but's' it just wouldn't be right in the long term and after all, this is a forever decision. 

I don't think I will ever forget those LO's and I do feel guilty that we can't give them the loving home that they deserve. I truly hope there is a family out there that is right for them.

So we are now waiting to see the short profile of a LO sw feels might be right for us but we can't see for another few weeks until the placement order is granted. We are also being considered for an imminent F4A situation that is likely to be happening just after our panel date.

This sure is going to be one heck of an emotional journey but we are feeling optimistic about meeting our future child/ren before long.


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## itsonlybridge

Well we finished reading through out finished PAR last night which was very emotional in parts. It is really well written so we are really pleased with it. It has now been submitted so that's done and we then have 2 final evening training courses next week before the wait to Panel.
  
We recently been told about a relinquished LO due to be born soon. We don't have much information to make an informed decision but we have been put forward for consideration and if we are in the running then our panel date will be brought forward. There a couple of things that we are struggling with as the sex of the baby is unknown and the fathers details have not been disclosed so half of the LO's genetics and family history will be totally unknown. On the plus side, a relinquishment bypasses some of the usual processes albeit the BM does have 6 weeks within which she can completely change her mind and have the LO returned to her!   Lot's to contemplate. It is sombering knowing we would meet the BM who is obviously going to be very emotional. She is also very young so I could see us wanting to take her home too!

We have accepted that there is always going to be an amount of uncertainty with every situation we are presented with so we shall see how things pan out.

We are feeling excited at the prospect that we might not be waiting too much longer to finally start our family, but anxious of the unknown.

I've been busy reviewing certain outgoings and making changes in readiness for my eventual adoption leave and I have started having a sneaky look at nursery furniture, prams and car seats to get my head in the game and research the best makes and prices etc. I have a feeling that when it all finally happens, there won't be much time for thinking about it, we will just have to go and buy it!  

Our family and close friends are all being so supportive and we have had a lot of offers of baby things. I have visions of them all standing at the ready with bags of baby clothes and equipment ready to rush round at a moments notice   

Well it is DH birthday this weekend so we are going to enjoy the celebrations and we shall see what the next few weeks bring!


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## itsonlybridge

So today was approval panel and we got a YES!! Feeling very emotionally drained from today but very happy to finally be approved adopters for age range 0-4, siblings and also approved for F4A. 

So now the family finding begins which we are very excited about! 

It has been an interesting and quite therapeutic 6 month journey through the adoption process.. And hopefully we are now very close to meeting our forever family after almost 14 years of trying to get there xxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Congratulations that's amazing news. Xx


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## itsonlybridge

Well we are 2 months on since panel and no match as yet. We were shortlisted for a LO in recent weeks but we weren't chosen in the end so it wasn't meant to be. 

Feeling a little deflated today but trying to stay focused as we know our LO is out there somewhere. 

As many other adopters have said, this part of the process is the hardest, the waiting and just not knowing when it will happen. I can't fully give 100% to work as I have all but lost interest! The nursery is just an empty room that we aren't able to do anything with until we know who we are doing it for and our minds are full of ideas for the future that we just can't yet put into practise. Talk about being in limbo land!

I do hope we will have some matching news to update my diary with soon


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

It will happen honey hang in there. 

Took us 5 months to get a match and I totally understand the limbo feeling but your child is out there they just have to find you. 

Big hugs xxxx

Ps our 1st match fell through too as we didn't get chosen and it was totally for a reason and that was our little boy he's the best thing to have happened to us. And so is his little sister who came to live with us just a couple of months ago. Xxxx


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## itsonlybridge

Thank you so much for your supportive words Emma, it really means a lot and gives me hope. I am refocused today and will try to have faith in what will be xxxxx


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## itsonlybridge

Oh my goodness, I can't believe it's been an entire year since I posted on here! Such a lot has happened.

Well Christmas 2017 came and went as did New Year and Spring. During that time we had a couple of potential links but they didn't work out for various reasons. 

Finally we were matched with a LO but there have been a lot of complications and delays with the court case so we are still patiently waiting for LO to come home to us. We are hoping she will be with us by Christmas/New Year. She is just beautiful and we are already in love with her. We just hope it doesn't fall through at the last hurdle  

It is difficult to write too much more as I can't go into details but hopefully we are almost a the finishing post after our very long journey of 15 years trying to get here in various ways xxx


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## itsonlybridge

And here we are with another year that has sped by! 

Well... our little pink has been home with us for just over a year now. I marvel every day at the wonder of her, she is just truly amazing!

I can't believe how fast we have gone from nursing a teeny tiny baby to the whirlwind of toddler mayhem! Every stage is has its challenges and rewards in equal measure and we wouldn't change a single thing! 

If anyone is reading this and maybe considering adoption, I can honestly say it the best thing we have ever ever done! Our journey to become a family has been a long one of 15 years and we have been through huge heartache along the way. I spent a long time wondering if I would ever be able to truly love a child that wasn't biologically mine, but let me tell you, I couldn't love this girl any more! My heart just does not believe that she didn't grow inside of me. I cherish every inch of her and didn't realise there could be a love so powerful! She has completed our family in more ways than I could ever have imagined.

We have a group of friends who are also adopters and we ALL feel this way. The longing to be pregnant and see our biological children which was ingrained in us for so many years has simply faded away and no longer even exists.  I never imagined that could ever happen.

Anyway, it is breakfast time so we will be having toast and banana thrown on the floor to the theme tune of 'Old Macdonald had a farm'.....  

Wishing you all love and luck in your individual journeys. Take care xxxxxx


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