# Re: How do you deal with . . .



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi   and huge big hugs to all of you on this thread   as it is such a hard place to be at times  . 

Sadly after a three year v. complex fertility battle (I won't go into the full story as I still find it all a bit too traumatic to talk about at the mo) Dh and I are now permanently in the involuntarily childless category, with my Dh being left with zero sperm and me being found to have what the Doctors described as a bit of a 'medical mystery' with my eggs that could not be overcome with fertility treatment.

The final end to our hope of ever having children only happened early this year so I am very new to coping with all this, and there are two things I would so value your thoughts on as I am finding them particularly hard at present. 

1. How do those of you in this situ cope with your monthly periods? I find the week leading up to each period a complete emotional nightmare and this is when being in this unwanted situ is at its very hardest - is that the same for anyone else? I get sooo down about what is never going to be due to all the hormones at this time, that I have started having thoughts of considering an elective hysterectomy.  As drastic is that is, I am in a position where I know I can't ever be preg so the prospect of enduring another twenty years of periods seems an even worse situ to face. My periods are also physically gruelling so are not easy to ignore. Has anyone else had similar thoughts and feelings - or even done anything to reduce or stop their cycles with successful results in reducing the dreaded hormonal pre period emotions?

2. Birthdays - I used to love them, but since finding myself in the childless world, I now find them deeply painful times, in that they are poiginant reminders of the dream that never happened and will never happen. Does anyone else find themselves now not enjoying their birthdays, or has anyone got any good ideas on how to get through breaking the connection between the two things. 

Any thoughts and experiences on the above would be sooo valued  

Huge hugs  
Hippy
x


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## emma49 (May 23, 2006)

Hi Hippy,

Firstly, sending you a big hug....             ,  i know its not much but when you feeling down sometimes it helps.

I'm so sorry you have reached the end of your IVF journey.  It must be sooo hard for you both.  I often wonder what will happen to us if we reach that point.  DH and i have had 2 BFN.  We have 2 frosties waiting for transfer in Sep.  After that, goodness only knows !!

I know what you mean about AF.  Even now after five years of TTC and 2 failed ICSI i still allow the hope to creep in each month in the days running up to when AF is due and every time i am devastated once again.  All the usual PMT feelings that i used to get when i was younger and not try for a baby seem more and more acute each month.  I don't know if there is anything that can be done but it true that i also dread the thought of years of AF to come if we have to give up hope to concieve. 

I agree also with the birthday issue.  I used to love birthdays.  Used to be a real big kid and organise something special whether for me or for DH.  But now it just seems a reminder that another year has passed, i'm a year older and no closer to being a mum.  To top it all, my birthday this year fell on Mothers Day (i live in France so the dates are a bit different to UK).  I think for me it was the worst day of the year.  Not surprisingly i was not in the mood to celebrate. 

I wish i had some words of wisdom to help you feel better.  I guess all i can say is that at least we have FF.  There is always someone to talk to and someone ready to try and give you a boost.  Its corny but true.... it is good to talk !

Take care.  PM me if you ever want to chat.

     

Emma.


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Hippy  
I am saddened to read your posting and i can see that you both have been through a very tough time. I understand that you cannot write it all down because it must be a truamatic experience for you both...I am sorry because its such a huge part of your life and the depth of it most seem endless....
I can totally empathise about the monthly periods because it is a total reminder of alot of things...its a reminder of hope and disappointment and that makes all of this even more difficult..
The question you asked about is  'how do you deal with it
I think its about taking one day at a time and taking each days as it comes...i have a friend who couldn't have children and she said to me once 'the months get shorter'!!! i think that statement is true but with time. However you did say that you suffer so much mentally as well as physically with your periods and that cannot be easy....So there must be a confliction of thoughts!!
To be honest I haven't thought about an hysterectomy, but i have thoughts along the lines of going through the change. This is so that i can have my life back and the chances of me having a baby will be out of my hands. Its like a strange dream/reality of being put out of this misery!!!.....
But Hippy i am not sure if that is the cure, its about wanting this all to end because of the C**P that comes with IF. Maybe Hippy its about dealing with the loss that you are feeling at this moment and also possibly speaking to your doctor about your gynae issues...
I think you have two huge things going on at the moment and i am sure its making your life a misery...i am not sure if i have given you any answers, but i can relate to you in a similiar way.....
As far as the birthdays are concerned....yep i really understand....The joy of birthdays have been stolen away since this IF journey....its a reminder and it definately hurts...
One year i did not talk to anyone and i was so angry that i spoilt the day for myself...ooops!!!
But you are not alone on this feeling, but it gets alittle easier...
I am sure the other girls on here will be there for you and will beable to offer all sorts of advice to help you on your way...
Keep in there!!! 
Take care...
love astridxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Hello Hippy   

I know what you mean hun.  But like Astrid has said it's taking one day at a time.  I still have good days and bad days and probably always will.

Each month I still wait to see if some kind of miracle has happened, and I know it won't but it's only natural to think it.  I get angry when I have my periods cos I think why the bl**dy hell do I have these as they are pointless so why take away my ability to have children and leave me with this constant reminder every month!

I tell you what I did find though, being put on the pill on the run up to one cycle really helped with my period.  I was much more regular, less heavy and less pain - is it worth asking your GP if you have a bad time each month and of course if you can get your head round being on the pill with IF.  That may help you and is less drastic than a hysterectomy although I can understand why you’re thinking about it.

We stopped fertility treatment for about 8 years but came back to it for another go (which ended up as 2!) and I still can't decide if it was the right or wrong decision but it was the decision we made so there's no going back.  I do feel a bit like I’d come to terms with never being able to have children and then that we went back to treatment so I’m having to come to terms with it all over again.  I also find it extremely difficult to tell people.  It’s such a conversation killer and also, I don’t want people to treat me differently and not say things in front of me so I tend not to say anything.

Birthdays I don't find to difficult but Christmas I find very hard.  We seem to spend each year with my parents at ours which is lovely but I always wonder what we will do when they are gone and what if something happens to me or DH?  One of us will be on our own or be the sad 'uncle' or 'auntie' who comes for Christmas.  

Sh*t I was supposed to be trying to make you feel better but I've probably made you feel worse.

Truth is, we all just have to 'cope' with our situations, I try and think of who might be worse off than me, at least I have a lovely DH and parents and family and friends.

Not sure if this has been any help I do go off on a tangent slightly!!

I hope you’re bearing up ok, I’ve found this website an absolute godsend.

Take care  
Nix
xx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

THANK YOU   sooooo much Emma49   (France - wow how lovely  ) Astrid   and NixNoo   (West Sussex is my old neck of the woods   ) for taking the time to share your experiences re my queries, that meant a lot and your replies were just so helpful  

As you all said it is just a case of assessing each day as it unfolds. I am currently waiting to be seen by my surgery counsellor for some sessions to try to discuss what happened with the failed treatment years - so I know that will be both hard but really constructive too. I will also in time consider having a chat with my lovely GP about perhaps going on some sort of pill to at least lessen the pain and unpleasantness of my current cycles rather than an other drastic measures at this point in time. 

It is actually my birthday today   and after a slight wobbly time last night I am actually feeling ok this morning - I think getting lots of lovely cards and pressies helped   As I run my own business I have decided that today is a non work day (!   ) and I am going into town to treat myself to something nice  

THANK YOU AGAIN so much for your kindness, knowing you are all there for those challenging days really is such a comfort. I wish all of you success, happiness and peace in your own difficult and painful journeys.

HUGE HUGS
Hippy
xxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Hippy 
I've been missing you and wondering how you've been getting on. I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling awful at the moment 
The others have given really great advice (as ever!) - and I would agree with all they have said.
Its just so hard...I find birthdays so difficult too - and like astrid, I have spoilt a couple all on my own!!  For me, getting older and not having a child is in the same category as the issues surrounding 'being a woman' - you may have seen the earlier thread on this - and for me, a whole load of feelings around 'whats the point'. All I can do is offer my support and understanding to you - because IF is just SO difficult and complex...I'm really thinking of you  
Remember how you said you would give yourself a year to recover a bit before moving forward with other possibilities? I think this is part of a really painful and devastating process that you WILL come through - I do believe that for all of us. I know its a total cliche to say it, but the best way 'out' of something is often 'through' it.
Sending you and dh huge hugs 
Love, ruby xxx [br]Posted on: 23/06/06, 09:52ooh, just seen your latest post - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! Hope you manage to feel a little lighter today


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hi Hippy



Try to relax and enjoy your day (easier said than done I know)

I do understand how you have been feeling .... we all do
but maybe you can think of this birthday as the first day of your new life

It takes time to come to terms with this decision, its been 2 yrs for me now and I am only just starting to see the sunshine on the other side, those emotions slowly become less frequent and more managable .... its true that you are grieving .... its like any death .... time does not heal but it does allow you think about the pain less often...

Time is the one thing you have to allow yourself ... both to emotionally heal and you must give yourself time before taking any drastic action such as a hsyterectomy ... I too have thought about having this done, you think of your periods as a constant reminder and you hate your womb and think it will just be easier to get rid of it .....

That decision must be yours ... but you must give yourself time
I am not sure about going on the pill because having to take that every morning will itself be a constant reminder .... maybe you should think about having one of these implants injected ... they last for 2-4 years and that would give you the time you need without the constant distraction of periods and you wont have to be reminded every morning by popping a pill.

Have a good day today .... allow yourself to see the sunshine  

Dydie xx


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## emma49 (May 23, 2006)

Hi Hippy,


   

Hope you have a good day...    

Take care

Emma.


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Hippy,

I don't have anything different to contribute but wanted to send you support, and echo everyones brilliant advice/comments.

I know its seems cruel irony to go on the pill when you are battling IF, but perhaps it could be a really positive thing for you, as it could make you feel in control of your monthly cycle, instead of you feeling at the mercy of it.

As the others have already said, it will remove the false hope of a miracle pg every single month (I'm with you on that one!), and the pill can make your bleed lighter and easier to cope with. Sorry for repeating the others advice, or if I'm beng patronising.

I really sympathise because like the other girls, I struggle emotionally with my periods, and this is made worse by the fact that IVF has sent them haywire; I never have 2 cycles the same length anymore and never know when to expect it. 

Finally,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! 

Hope you have a really happy day.

Ermey xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Hippy,

Another HAPPY BIRTHDAY from me too.........

Aren't the girls on here just FAB?!!!  They are so good, I dont have any other words of wisdom to offer you huni.  It is SO good to come on here and realise that we are not alone with these awful feelings.  We are not "cracking" up.  It is such an amazing feeling to find out that people DO understand and we can finally "chat" to people who really know what we are talking about.

Like you, I am a COMPLETE Bah-Humbug when it comes to birthdays.  I really noticed it at my 30th - I was soooo depressed and sorry for myself.  Christmas is just as bad if not worse - it's the cards for me, you know the ones - from friends that used to be "2" and are now "3" and worse "4".........

As for periods, I TOTALLY agree with how difficult they are.  Month after month after month we are constantly reminded of our loss - and of course - there's the hoping for a "miracle" each month too.  This is so hard as this is the hidden pain, so frequent to us, such a large part of our lives ....... that no-body else ever sees nevermind understands.

So huni, I'm afraid I cant "fix" anything but can just echo what these lovely ladies have already said to you as I feel exactly the same as them .......

Feel free to rant any time, Good luck in making the right decision regarding the pill/hysterectomy, I would just say don't do anything rash while you're feeling so raw ..... give yourself time to make a decision with a clear head.

All my love
Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Happy Birthday Hippy!!!!


       

Have a great one and i hope all of these are achieved on your birthday...

Dydie a great idea to look upon a birthday as a milestone to look forward instead of backwards!!!!

love astridxxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH    for your amazing messages, fab thoughts/ideas and also the really lovely Birthday wishes you guys are the best   

Hope you all have a nice weekend  

Love
Hippy
xxxxx

PS - Dydie - can you tell me more about the implant thing you mentioned? Not heard of that and am intrigued.

PPS - Astrid - loved those birthday wishes you sent - managed to do most of them  and felt much better for it


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Hippy, sorry i am only joining in now but i took the day off work on friday and dont go on the site at home- prying eyes from a teenage stepdaughter!!!

The period thing is hard- i found it harder tho when actively ttc as when af came it was even worse. I think when you know you havent really tried or know you cant be pg it is a little easier-if that makes sense!!!  Mind you i had a bad week last week(and its not coming up af !!!). Had a lot of crap in work and then mum was asking why i hadnt been to see her during week.I always see her at least twice a week and wanted to be on my own!!! I think she forgets that altho we are not doing anymore treatment that i am miraculously over things!!! NOT! I ended up having a tiff with her when i did see her on Sat so will have to sort that out as we are going to france on Fri.

The bday thing can be hard too. Mine was back in October. This year wasnt as bad as the last as that time we were on our way to doing iui and my af arrived on my bday!!!  So this year was easier.

I find Mothers Day and Fathers day hard.Even tho my dh has a dd(well teenager from hell at the mo which has funnily enough put me off having another in the last few mths!!! ).  Dh was a bit down this year and isnt usually as i think he finally realised it might not happen for us to have a child together. Plus 2 of his good friends have a. just had a baby or b. expecting one.

Good luck with your decisions tho xxxx


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hi Hippy

Im am not an expert on the implant contraception thingy but my SD has just had a 3 year one fitted and my neice has had one for the past year or so

All I really know is that you have a little metal implant injected into your arm and you can get 1/2or3 year ones.... I am pretty sure that they control your periods in much the same way as taking the "pill" does but I would ask your GP if your interested .... I am sure this would give you the time you need  

Let the rest of us know about it once you have the full details 

Love Dydie xxx


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