# Dealing with Crass or Insensitive Comments



## teacherKate (Sep 25, 2011)

Hi,

I'm having a tough time at the moment dealing with other people's insensitive comments about fertility.  I have chosen not to tell many people about our issues or treatment (currently having IUI after 7 years ttc), as I don't feel comfortable talking about it (and I often cry if I do!).

However, we have a couple down the road from us with whom we are quite friendly - they have recently had their first baby - and since she found out she was pregnant, she's made many crass comments.  Last night they were round at ours for a drink, and my DH was playing with the baby, and she said "You should get your own baby to play with".  Another comment made, after my DH had made some joke was "well, you can't say anything, you don't have any children".  These are just the most recent of many many comments, and I know it's not just been to us - she was horribly insensitive to a mutual friend who had a miscarriage last year, seemingly assuming that it would make the bereaved friend feel better to hear all the details about HER pregnancy instead?!?

Now, I don't WANT to have to tell too many people about our situation, and to be honest, I have always thought that people might assume we were having problems and therefore be a bit sensitive - after all, I'm 36 and my DH is 51.  If I saw any married woman in her late 30s with no children I'd think that she'd either chosen not to have kids (OK, fair enough, but not something to joke about as it wouldn't have been a decision that was taken lightly) OR that she and/or her DH had problems with fertility (AGAIN - definitely NOT something to joke about).  It baffles me.

However, I think I need to say something to her.  If I don't I'm in danger of blurting something out the next time she says something crass, and it would probably be very offensive!!

Any hints and tips?  Or useful retorts to insensitive comments or queries?!!


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## esperanzav (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi, 

It's hard to tell exactly what you mean by crass. A lot of what is said depends on non-verbal cues. It's hard to tell what's going on with this woman and what she is trying to say between the lines. It doesn't sound very crass by the very short description you gave. Is she being intentionally upsetting or just clueless or just very pro-baby?

I also think you need to decide exactly what you want to disclose to people. You can always say something like, "we are thinking about it, but it's a subject we prefer  to discuss only between us" or it's a subject that we consider of a completely private nature - 

it depends how clear you want to be about how you feel - you could always add - so I really don't appreciate such comments...


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Teacherkate your "friend" sounds like an uber biatch, the only thing I can suggest is to tell her to just do one and steer clear.


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## teacherKate (Sep 25, 2011)

I don't think this 'friend' is being intentionally mean, but she IS super-insensitive and she has that terrible 'new-mum-smugness' about her (which I hope to God I never get, if I am ever fortunate enough to have a baby!!).  She is full of self-importance - and yes of course it's a wonderful thing to have a new baby, but I think she lacks the imagination to think that childless couples such as myself and DH might actually be rather sensitive about our childless state...

Actually, DH is quite upset by her insensitive comments too, so he has decided that he is going to have a chat to her tomorrow (as he's working from home for the next couple of days and has invited her up for coffee).  I've asked him to tell her not to mention it to me as I am uncomfortable talking about it (esp to her!) but I think he will tell her to be a bit more sensitive in her comments (he'll tell her nicely I'm sure, but firmly I hope, which fingers crossed will make her think a bit before she speaks).  I've also asked him not to tell her too much detail - it's none of her business really, and I don't want her to feel like she knows it all - but just that we've been trying to have a baby for several years now and it's an upsetting subject.

I hope she'll just pull her neck in, and I won't see her for a while.  Trouble is, we're expats abroad and it's a horribly small community, so difficult to avoid people (plus they live just down the road from us).


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Just wanted to say I had all sorts of insensitive comments when TTC.  Especially being a single girlie pursing IUI on my own after being diagnosed with Low Fert.    I've learned that the friends you end up with after this journey are the real ones.  Most people have NO clue about how others feel or their reaction to specific words/phrases they may say.  And in my experience people really make assumptions about you when you don't have kids "later in life".  I've heard the oh you must have put your career first?  But that's so unnatural etc etc.

I relate on being an Ex Pat as well (Yank. Been here forever though!).  Sometimes our countrymen/women can be the most insensitive of them all.  

My suggestion is to rely on those who don't judge you and give you support.  Trying to change others never works for me.  

Good luck!

Dawn


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## MustBeMummy (Sep 5, 2011)

I must admit your friend doesnt sound like someone who i would want to be friends with if im honest. "you should get your own baby to play with"?!!! what kind of a comment is that??
Maybe she is hinting to find out if you want kids or are wanting to have kids. We got married in may this year and that all people ask us. maybe she trying to fish to find out....
We havent told anyone other than our parents so we have to bite our tounges and make excuses at the mo so i know how hard it is. But i think its irrelevent weather you are ttc or notyou should just say to her dont you think thats a bit out of order. it doesnt have to cause an argument or anything just tell her you dont appreciate it.


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## Jack5259 (Sep 20, 2011)

Hi All, 

I have been reading all your comments and am with you on these comments.  Some poeple can be very insensitive without realising.  I live in a very rural area, surrounded by families who are expecting or recently had babies, and it is all very hard.  The mums started up a calender club a while back of which they all  had photos taken of themselves and the profits would go to the local school, I wasnt invited to join in as I am not a mother, but it still hurt very much, and the few that do know are very sensitive but I found the whole thing so horrid.  This issue is an incredibly sensitive issue, and there is a stereotypical expectation nowadays of once someone is married, the next thing that happens is the pitter patter of tiny feet.  Not everyone wants children, and some decide not to, its entirely up to them and it is no one's place to tell them otherwise or give them their opinion.  I think some can be opinionated about issues they feel strongly about, also I think fertility is rather a taboo subject for some, and there is nothing wrong with this, as it is a private and high;y sensitive subject, it just goes to show we should all be careful as sometimes we dont always know what is going on in people's lives.  
Hope everyone ok on that bright note!  I have just gone through my fourth and final IUI and am now officially on the two week wait   .            After a year of treatment its been a long journey and Im starting to think now that it just simply is not going to happen but I am going to be    !  I have heard    once someone starts thinking of other things, and not stressing about the treatment, trying to conceive etc, it can sometimes  happen.  Fingers crossed!


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## teacherKate (Sep 25, 2011)

Hi Jack, 

Thanks for replying - I think you put it really well.  This whole experience (having fertility problems) has made me so aware of the fact that it's an issue for many many people, but I think those who haven't had fertility issues are sometimes blithely unaware that someone they know might be going through it.  People with young children often get so wrapped up in their own situation that they can't comprehend someone either not wanting children, or even think that the person they're 'joking' with about having a baby might actually be suffering deeply.

I will  for you on your 2ww now - it's such a stressful time.  I got a BFP from my 2nd IUI (last month) which of course I am delighted about, but I won't truly be able to relax until I get to 12 weeks.  I've had some spotting and have no proper symptoms (other than lack of AF).  I'm a nervous wreck and totally convinced that it's not going to last - which of course makes me much less comfortable seeing the above-mentioned 'friend' (who actually just popped up for a cuppa and I spent the whole time holding my breath waiting for her to say something tactless...  but nothing today, phew!)

Kate x


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## Jack5259 (Sep 20, 2011)

Hi Kate 

That is fantastic news, many congratulations to you and your hubbie, and I totally understand about not being able to relax until twelve weeks!  Sometimes things in life are just a little more harder to achieve for some then they are for others and at the time it all seems so unfair, especially when people make insensitive comments, but I will take   from you, as you are a real inspiration to me, having had to deal with people's comments and generally feeling horrible like we all do,  Your story just goes to show it can happen.  

Keep me posted about the twelve week scan and all the best.


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## CeeDeeBee (Sep 19, 2011)

Hi Kate and WOW, everything crossed for you.
I am about to go into my 2nd IUI this week and your story gives me lots of hope 

Just a quickie about your friend. I have just taken the approach of self preservation and, as much as poss, hibernating a bit around treatment AF time. Even when people are told that you're having problems it doesn't stop unintentionally painful situations arising..I don't think people can understand unless they've been there or know you really, really well.  A good friend who knows said I wanted to 'count myself lucky' I didn't have kids after a potty training incident with her daughter..throwaway but horrid. The last one we had was a triple whammy from a really close couple who know what we're going through: their pregnancy announcement, followed by the obligatory 'you're next' and then asked to be godparents. All AMAZING news and totally an honour but after a hideous week of failed IUI (over stim) I just wanted to disappear in a puff of smoke. It got a bit better when the hormones died down but only last week i was part of a generic text which included 'I can't wait to be a mummy' and these people know what we're going through. People just don't think. I just keep away from them and delete texts if I'm not feeling strong enough.

Anyway, hopefully you don't have to hold your breath anymore and she's got the message. 

Loads and loads of luck  

xxx
Cee


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Hi,

I have some local 'friends' who sound very much like yours! Only difference being is that they don't have children either but go on & on about the fact they are trying naturally despite knowing mine & DH's situation. She blabbers on about how she will soon be a mummy, how she couldn't bare it if she was like us & had to have treatment, how she & all her family can't wait for them to be pregnant, how great being a mummy is going to be....blah blah blah! Seriously the women never shuts up about it & she isn't even pregnant yet ! God knows what she will be like when she is.
She has never been sensitive to my situation, she asks the odd question about it, usually exclaims how she simply couldn't cope with doing ivf & goes on about how fun it is trying naturally! 
They even both declared their disgust about adoption claiming they would only ever want their own biological child. Narrow minded idiots! On the odd occasion I have snapped at them telling them that theres no way they could go through ivf or adoption, it takes special couples to go through it & they certainly aren't! 
They didn't like my responce but it shut them up & she did eventually try to apologise. I distance myself from them now & they know nothing about my latest treatment or my bfp, I won't be telling her my good news until I'm 100% sure alls ok. I'm ashamed to say I am looking forward to that day because I know for a fact my news will knock her for 6! According to them some people are made to have children & some aren't! Hope she doesn't end up eating her own words! 


Stand your ground hun! That's my advice, let them know they are hurting your feelings. Don't be ashamed of your infertilily, be proud. Only the strongest couples can deal with it .xx


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## teacherKate (Sep 25, 2011)

Hi All,

Just to update you, my DH gritted his teeth and went to have 'the conversation' with her...  He began by asking her WHY she thought we didn't have children, and she reeled off a few possible answers including "is it your age-difference?" (my DH is 15 years older than me) which he thought was pretty damned insensitive!!    <--  that was him!

Anyway, he explained that we had been trying for several years and that she had in the past - unintentionally he's sure - made some insensitive comments which we had found upsetting.  Of course the poor bloke was then MORTIFIED when she burst into tears!!!  Anyway, he also said that I felt it was a very private issue, so didn't wish to talk about it (I don't want to tell her all the details of our treatments, etc, she's such a gossipy know-it-all, it would be all round our community in days).  I'm SO proud of him for having the conversation, I know he found it really difficult, but I think it will do the trick.

They actually came up for supper last night (I think DH invited them because he felt guilty about upsetting her - grrr!!!  ) but it was fine.  They seem to be making an effort in their own way, ie they brought their baby up with them, and had let him have a long afternoon nap so he'd be awake to 'spend some quality time with us'...  I could view this as insensitive, but actually I know they meant it kindly, and he IS a very sweet little boy (13 weeks old) who was very well-behaved, so I've chosen to take it as a kindness and appreciate the gesture.  Mind you, they have very little conversation that doesn't involve the baby, and I DID think they'd gone a step too far when they started a detailed conversation about the contents of his nappies...  STOP, TMI!!!  

Anyway, I enjoyed the irony of thinking that they were a little uncomfortable about our situation, but knowing secretly that I am pregnant now!  I had my 7-week scan just over a week ago and even saw and heard the heartbeat which was incredible.  It's harder and harder not to get excited, but only 3.5 weeks to go until my next scan when I'll be able to tell people (fingers so tightly crossed).  I'm so terrified I won't make it that far, at which point dealing with people's insensitivity will only become so much harder.

Thanks lollipops for your kind words - they do give me strength... and you're SO right, you do need to be so strong to deal with this process, and the insensitivity you get from others.  I think you're right to distance yourself from your crass 'friends' - I wish it was so easy for me, but we are part of such a small community here (only about 50 Brits) that it's so hard not to see people, plus these 2 are our neighbours.  Fingers crossed you get to enjoy the well-deserved satisfaction of telling her your wonderful news soon!

Dawn, CeeDeeBee and Jack - GOOD LUCK and   thoughts to you all.  Plus extra sympathies of course for having to deal with other people's comments!


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## Jack5259 (Sep 20, 2011)

Hi kate, 

Glad to hear its all going well, and like you, I live in a small community where there is alot of gossip, all surrounded by mothers, expecting or just had a baby, its horrible.  They are all nice, apart from some, who obviously see me as an outcast, but they are not worth the brain ache.  My last IUI did not work, and now am on to IVF, Im excited and scared and nervous, again a whole mixture of emotions.  Good luck with the scans, keep us posted.


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