# New and a bit lost



## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Hi there 

Another newbie here. Dont really know where to start to be honest. My DH and I have just been told we have to go through ICSI to have any chance of kids and I feel like I've been run over by a steam roller.  

It all came about so unexpectedly, but I guess it does for most of us doesnt it?   

My hubby and I have been together for almost 20 years. We met at uni and have been together ever since. We spent our early years on our careers and enjoying the rewards that came with success, not worrying about family etc. We were under no pressure to have kids from our parents as we both had siblings that had children so the grandparent thing was satisfied! Both our parents had us when they were in their early 40s so 'the plan' was to do the adventure travelling, get the motorbikes, do the bungee jumps etc etc you get the drift, and then, when we'd got the house sorted, got the car, done the travel, we'd do the family thing, and of course nothing would go wrong, I mean what could?  

Firstly my sister died suddenly. Her family scattered to the wind and we never heard from them again. It broke my parents hearts. A couple of years later, my DH lost his dad after a long illness, we were away in Africa at the time and couldnt get back before he passed away. We became more aware of our own mortality I guess, but still we didnt feel ready for children as emotionally we were both pretty shot at and missed! The following year my sister in law had a beautiful baby girl, and I began to realise that maybe it was time to consider a family of our own. But then it turned out that this gorgeous perfect child had a rare form of muscular distrophy and so began the long struggle to give this lovely little girl the best quality of life possible knowing that she would never walk and run like her elder brother, knowing that her muscles would get weaker and weaker and realising that it was unlikely she would ever reach adulthood and things would get slowly more and more difficult for her and the family. It was a terrible blow and it scared us.

And then things really got bad. To cut a long story short, over the last two years we've lost his mum, my mum (on Christmas day no less), my dad a few months ago and had to have both our 20 year old cats put down after kidney failure finally made them too weak to carry on. We were left with an empty house, no parents, no pets, no blood relatives left at all on my side, and a nursery room that was decorated and ready to go with nothing to put in it except the odd cuddly toy. I've never felt so alone in all my life. 

Needless to say, with 40 just around the corner, this was the final kick in the pants that made us realise it was now or never. After my dads death, I started very irregular and heavy bleeding so I went to see my GP thinking it was stress. She put me in for a scan and they discovered a lump that appeared to be the size of a tennis ball so I was scheduled in for a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. This confirmed that I had a fibroid but not as big as the scan suggested, 'only' golf ball size, and it wasnt interfering with my tubes. They also established that I was ovulating and my hormone levels were good. As we'd had no luck conceiving, the obvious next step was to check out DH just to make sure things were OK.

The first SA showed a count of 5 million, with 85% non motile. The doctor sent him back again saying that maybe it was because they'd left the sample too long. The second count was just as bad. All his undies were immediately changed to boxers! He started taking the usual supplements to try and help things along and we waiting for our referral to the Woking Nuffield. He had a detailed SA and yesterday we were told the results. ICSI is our only option. The boxers and supplements hadnt made a difference although I was hoping against hope that at least some improvement would be seen and things werent as bad as they first appeared. Hey ho  

So that's my story and why I'm here I guess. Having no family left, and now the prospect of no family of my own, I feel scared and empty and tired to be honest. There's been so much loss and grief and tough times and now it feels like I'm staring down into the darkness at the edge of yet another unknown pit. I dont know if I can face this. I've read a few of the threads on here, people who have gone through so much trying to have children of their own, but how do you do it when you have no one but your hubby? Yes he's there with you but how can he understand the female aspect of things? I need my sis! My best friend has just given birth to her second boy, I cant really talk to her about it. My other friends either arent interested in kids, or have them, or arent even in a relationship. I dont know if I can cope with the failure that is likely to accompany this process. The drugs and needles and ops are one thing but potentially losing your babies when you've watched them being put inside you...?  

I also have a terrible feeling that we've left things too late. I'm ashamed of our arrogance of taking things for granted. Our 'plan' seems so big headed now. Life is a rollercoaster under normal circumstances, but to have to put ourselves through this, maybe more than once is so scarey I cant think straight. There have been so many tears, and this can only bring more. But it's either that or what? Can I face a future knowing that it'll just be me and 'im indoors until we die? We got the house, we got the car (bought a fast family one with anchors for baby seats and everything!), we've got the experiences of life, the education, the prospects, and no one to share that with and pass it on to. Rock, hard place. 

So that's me! Hello!!   I guess I'll wander around the site and see what ICSI is like from a real persons perspective rather than just all the blurb we've been given to read! Is it as scarey as it seems? It's hard for me to get a clear perspective at the moment!Any personal experiences of the Woking Nuffield would be appreciated too. They seem OK but as I havent exactly done the rounds of clinics it's a bit hard to say! 

Anyhoo, I've wittered on enough!

BR x


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## Mamoftheboys (Mar 4, 2005)

Hi,

Just wanted to say Hello and let you know that ICSI worked for us after our 3rd full cycle and we are now the very, very proud mumy & daddy to beautiful 14 month old twin boys..... be positive and believe it can work for you, why would it not ??

Hope you get your dream BFP soon.

Take Care

City Chic x


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## Dell Boy (Aug 6, 2008)

Hi Blade Runner,

Come on, chin up, start smiling, you have every chance, don't give up hun, our circumstances are very much like yours, did the lifestyle thing, had one miscarriage, then DW parents died within 11 weeks of one another but life go's on, we're starting the process now, been for tests on the NHS about 2 years ago and nothing appeared to be wrong, so hopeful with a little clinical help we will have that baby.

Forgive me if i seem to be preaching and I'm in no position to but my own attitude is, if we have any chance however small, lets take it, lets do everything possible within our control to make this happen, lifestyle, attitude, love and so it go's on and on, i have only been on this site for a few days and found it very reassuring if nothing else, such as the reply to the one before me, as a bloke I'm a little distant from all that A/F stuff  so not much help on the practical side but I'm a great believer in a positive outlook, whatever effort you put in is commensurate with what you receive i think, try , try and try again, its not going to be easy or cheap or emotionally easy but if you want something that badly you will get it, I'm sure of that, my best wishes for you and your DH.

Good luck

Dell Boy


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## Kushtaka (Jul 23, 2008)

Oh my goodness Blade Runner! 

You've done it all, and what a wealth of experience to share. You have certainly been through the ringer lately! I wish I couldn't relate, but you'll find on this site ~ you're not alone. I did the career, finally found the man, moved continents, lost my stepfather (the man who raised me), and now... I have the husband, house, mommy car, mommy haircut, and... 

This is hard. This is a lot to think about and a lot to deal with, on top of everything else! I am sorry I can not help with Woking Nuffield, but try this link:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=142698.msg2198127#msg2198127 ~ my first time trying to put a link in, so please be patient.

I have recently had my first ICSI, and the day AF arrived early, sobbed on the couch while DH was at work with my sister-in-law. You're right, it's hard to imagine having your embies put back, and not surviving. It's a hard thing to look at, and having people like those on this site around to share is very important. I am hoping to find a cycle buddy for next time ~ someone to share the experience with other than DH, someone with the same hopes and fears. All we can do is look towards the future, while we hope & pray. 

Hang in there ~ you're on a new and unfamiliar path! Kush


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## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Indeed, you are right. It's just hard sometimes not to feel like throwing in the towel, hanging your head and crying like a loon! 

I think what has surprised me the most is my complete change in attitude. When I was young (and stupid) I thought that if we couldnt have kids it wouldnt matter as life was such a blast! We even said that if it ever came to having to go to the 'extreme' of IVF, we wouldnt bother as it was obviously not meant to be and that the gene pool would obviously be better off without us!! Doh! 

Now that we've actually been told we cant have kids without a little (alot) of help, I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. How wierd is that for someone who was more interested in motorbikes, fast cars, white water rafting, diving and any other hazerdous activity I could throw myself at and had no interest in 'settling down and being boring' for the last 20 years!??! Go figure, as our colonial cousins would say..... 

Guess I'm just feeling a bit shell shocked. I'm sure when it all sinks in properly, I'll go into practical mode, start booking up appointments, getting the cash together etc etc! Already started on the folic acid and booked my hormone level blood tests for Monday ready for our next appointment. It feels a bit like I'm crashing from one disaster to the next, but hey, something's got to go right for us at some point hasnt it?!!


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## Dell Boy (Aug 6, 2008)

Hi Blade Runner,

Sense a little bit of optimism at the end there on your part, how about we both hold one another's hand throughout this eh, of course i have no physical pain to endure but with  your DH and hopefully some friends you have a good back up team there in place to encourage you

Good luck

Dell Boy


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## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Dell Boy said:


> Hi Blade Runner,
> 
> Sense a little bit of optimism at the end there on your part, how about we both hold one another's hand throughout this eh, of course i have no physical pain to endure but with your DH and hopefully some friends you have a good back up team there in place to encourage you
> 
> ...


Sounds like a plan to me


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## Dell Boy (Aug 6, 2008)

OK, done deal,


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## Creature (Aug 7, 2008)

Dear BR and Dell Boy,

Wishing you both many positive thoughts on your journeys.  At the start of ours and means a lot, I am begining to understand, to share experiences in this way.  Thank you.

Creature


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## LuuLuu (Jul 15, 2008)

Hi Bladerunner

You've found a fab site to get support.  We've spent the last 10 yrs getting the job, the house, just extended it to make it a family home, moved to a great catchment area........  and nothing.  There's so many of us you wouldn't believe!!

There's also so many stories of people like us who are now happy parents and who says it can't be us!!

Sending loads of      thoughts to you and tonnes of     

LuuLuu


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## Huldra (Apr 16, 2008)

Hi Blade Runner and welcome,

You've really been through the lot, haven't you. I'm feeling with you  

Just wanted to say the same to you as someone else told me when I joined FF: With ICSI it is really more the doctors problem than yours. They take over and just "do" everything for you (OK, not, everything, but you get the picture). And as long as there are any good sperm at all, they'll be able to do the ICSI. A colleague of mine had ICSI some years ago, and they found the impressive number of 6 sperms in total!!! They still managed to get pregnant on the first try though, and now have a beautiful girl, so there really is hope!

But of course having fertility treatment is no easy thing, I know. I'm having ICSI done in just over a week and I'm really feeling rather rough from the medication. But hopefully it will be worth it in the end!


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## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Thanks guys. 

I'm certainly getting the impression that we're not alone! When you first find out the position you're in, it does feel like everything is conspiring against you and you're on your own, but finding this site has certainly made me realise that we are actually one couple of many (many more than I ever realised) and that our conception problems pale in comparison with some of the apparently insurmountable issues that some have actually over come on this board. 

DH and I were both wide awake at 6am this morning and we had a long chat about ICSI and kids and stuff in general. He is very 'what will be, will be' and never gets emotionally involved with anything in case he gets hurt. It comes across as indifference at times which can be hard to cope with, especially with something like this. I wish he was more like Dell Boy in that respect, really excited and looking forward to being a daddy, but I guess it doesnt hurt to have him firmly grounded in reality with a completely pragmatic approach whilst I'll be doing more than my fair share of bouncing off the walls no doubt!!  

Yes, after our long chat, we've decided to go for it, so I'll be booking our next appointment on Monday and seeing if they can start us off in November. Who knows, maybe pregnant for Christmas??!    I've read on here somewhere that the Woking Nuffield has a really long waiting list, but when I spoke to the nurse she said that we could start around end of September/beginning of October, so I need to check out what the deal is. (maybe she meant next year??!  )

DH is even happy to do my injections for me (he hates needles!) and if/when I fall pregnant there will be foot rubs on tap apparently!! Marv  

Huldra - fingers crossed for you hunny! I notice you're in Surrey - are you at the Woking Nuffield?


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## Mary - Lou (May 15, 2008)

Hi Blade Runner

Have read your story and felt I had to reply. I am glad you and DH have decided to go for it. We found out we needed ICSI due to male factor infertility and was told 'your best chance of having children is ICSI' so we headed down the long road of uncertainty whilst trying to remain positive and upbeat - a hard thing to juggle but you manage somehow. Anyway we embarked on our first round of ICSI at the end of March and prepared ourselves for a   had a bit of delay as I developed an ovarian cyst due to injections but on the day I was going to have a minor op to remove it, it had shrunk of its own accord so didn't need op . Anyway to cut a long story short treatment took a few weeks longer than expected and despite fully expecting a   we got a     and I am just about 14 weeks pregnant. I can't believe how lucky we were for it to work first time especially when I know it doesn't happen for everyone. 

So I wish you all the    in the world and sending you lots of     .

This next bit is going to sound a bit corny but I lost my sister 7 years ago and my grandad in March (was very close as I didn't have a dad) and I'm pretty sure they were watching out for me.

And you will find this site absolutley brilliant the support is just amazing and this is from someone who was a bit dubious about using the site.


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## Joey_V (Jul 7, 2008)

Hi Blade Runner
Had to reply! So sorry to hear of your losses. You're definitely not alone. All the cr4p in life tends to come at once. I had a run of it a few years ago starting off with my parents splitting up after 28 years and then the lovliest people in our family suddenly dropping like flies, and then culminating in my first marriage bombing. Then I picked myself up and went travelling, did loads of great diving and enjoying myself...but always deep down wanting kids. So finding myself single in my mid 30's wasn't great timing! Now got a wonderful hubby though and really wanted the kids stuff to come easy, like it has for so many of my friends....but, seems as if we've got sperm morphology issues (although latest test was fairly good) and we're going down the IVF or ICSI route. Woke up this morning feeling pretty sorry for myself but DH reminded me of all the good things we have and how much worse it could be.
So, just wanted to say, after all the loss you've suffered, it does get easier (even though it doesn't feel like it will), and I wish you all the luck in the world. We've got our appointment next week and thinking maybe, just maybe, we might have some luck before Christmas!!
Hugs.  
Joey
xxx


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## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Mary - Lou said:


> Hi Blade Runner
> 
> Have read your story and felt I had to reply. I am glad you and DH have decided to go for it. We found out we needed ICSI due to male factor infertility and was told 'your best chance of having children is ICSI' so we headed down the long road of uncertainty whilst trying to remain positive and upbeat - a hard thing to juggle but you manage somehow. Anyway we embarked on our first round of ICSI at the end of March and prepared ourselves for a  had a bit of delay as I developed an ovarian cyst due to injections but on the day I was going to have a minor op to remove it, it had shrunk of its own accord so didn't need op . Anyway to cut a long story short treatment took a few weeks longer than expected and despite fully expecting a  we got a    and I am just about 14 weeks pregnant. I can't believe how lucky we were for it to work first time especially when I know it doesn't happen for everyone.
> 
> ...


Hi Mary-Lou, thanks for posting your story. It's reading tales like yours that makes me realise it's not all doom and gloom, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not necessarily an oncoming train!! Hope your pregnancy goes well


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## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Joey_V said:


> Hi Blade Runner
> Had to reply! So sorry to hear of your losses. You're definitely not alone. All the cr4p in life tends to come at once. I had a run of it a few years ago starting off with my parents splitting up after 28 years and then the lovliest people in our family suddenly dropping like flies, and then culminating in my first marriage bombing. Then I picked myself up and went travelling, did loads of great diving and enjoying myself...but always deep down wanting kids. So finding myself single in my mid 30's wasn't great timing! Now got a wonderful hubby though and really wanted the kids stuff to come easy, like it has for so many of my friends....but, seems as if we've got sperm morphology issues (although latest test was fairly good) and we're going down the IVF or ICSI route. Woke up this morning feeling pretty sorry for myself but DH reminded me of all the good things we have and how much worse it could be.
> So, just wanted to say, after all the loss you've suffered, it does get easier (even though it doesn't feel like it will), and I wish you all the luck in the world. We've got our appointment next week and thinking maybe, just maybe, we might have some luck before Christmas!!
> Hugs.
> ...


Hey Joey - you must have had a similar conversation to me and mine this morning! DH's do that though dont they? The male practical approach, blessem!  So what's the appointment next week - the implications chat or are you guys further along?


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## spooks (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi saw your post and wanted to say hello. Coming to terms with tx will get easier - me and Dh have been in very difficult places but you do find your way out. And once you start with appointments and blood tests and form filling you feel like you're doing something constructive. You have nothing to lose from having tx 
 all the best, spooks x


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## Joey_V (Jul 7, 2008)

Hi Blade Runner
We're a bit further along...we've had loads of tests on hubby to rule out anything obvious (like varicocele) causing the morphology issues, they scanned his bits and did blood tests....all normal! The last SA was pretty good with a high count, but 9% normal morph (a whole lot better than 0% which we got first time round). Everything with me has come back ok. If I was younger I think we could carry on trying naturally (read on FF of someone getting preg naturally with 0.1% normal morph!) but we are lucky enough to be able to afford IVF, so we've got an initial consultation at the Lister this week. They might want to do a few more routine tests (I think they like to do HIV and Hepatitis testing) but I reckon we might be starting treatment before too long.
So apart from the first shock SA result, everything else has been pretty positive so that's gotta be a good sign!! Yes, hubbies sure have an amazing ability to see the positives, but then they don't have the same hormones and I happen to be at a particularly sensitive time of the month - things always seem so much bleaker then. I've had the same feelings as you....reckon I can cope with the physical side of things even if I feel awful, but the thought of going through it all, getting a BFP and then a m/c, well how the hell do you get through that?
But, we're being positive now aren't we, so enough of the what if's  
xxx


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## Huldra (Apr 16, 2008)

Blade Runner said:


> Huldra - fingers crossed for you hunny! I notice you're in Surrey - are you at the Woking Nuffield?


Hi again,

No, I'm not at Woking Nuffield. Our referal letter was supposedly sent to them beginning of May, but we've heard nothing - so not impressed! That said, I've heard a lot of good things about the clinic. 
I'm having the tx privately in Norway. It makes sense in many ways as we're probably moving back there within a year. Also they have no waiting list, so we could get started straight away (and they have an impressive success rate, especially taking into account that they have a lot of "older" women and women who have had several tries before).

I wish you good luck with your next appointment! The whole IF thing is hard, but hopefully you'll get there in the end!!!


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## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Hey Joey, sounds like you and I are on similar timelines then! The DH has had his detailed SA and I've had my hormone level tests. We had our initial consult this week when they told us what we needed to do. I'm up for a fresh set of hormone level tests this Monday just to be sure (hate needles, just been tested for glandular fever and the nurse used a drain pipe!! Made the inside of my elbow a very interesting shade of purple.....!!) and I'm booking our next appointment first thing Monday morning. We'll both need the standard Hep and HIV tests too but I believe that the next consult will be signing all the consent forms and scheduling in the actual tx. As we're away in October celebrating our 17th wedding anv and DHs 41st birthday (eek! ), it looks like November will be best, assuming of course that they can actually fit us in and there isnt a hideously long waiting list.   

Thinking positively - we'll both have alcohol free Christmas' and New Years then!!!    And be at our largest and heaviest in the hottest summer months...  Mmm that'll be pleasant.....  

Huldra - sorry to hear about the clinic not responding, seems odd?! But as you say, it probably makes more sense to use a Norwegian clinic if you are going back there. Good luck (or should I say 'god hell'!)


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## LoisLane (Apr 26, 2007)

Bladerunner!

Wishing you a warm welcome to FF hon, you have most certainly come to a fab place for mutual support, friendship, advice and laughter! I think the girls that have already replied on this thread to you have been really demonstrative of how great FF is and I am glad you have found us.

I was so sorry to read your story. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, all those years of trying not to conceive and when everything is place and the time is right it does seem unfair that it doesn't happen as planned. You sound an incredibly strong lady with all you have had to deal with with your family losses. I lost my dad very suddenly in February and it is hard, but I found the strength to do our first ICSI. I know it has been mentioned before, but I really think that Dad is looking out for me through all of this and I am sure your family members are .

I'm going to provide you with some links that will put you in touch with other members who are at a similar stage to you and DH. In addition some other links that will help you navigate around the site;

Starting out & Diagnosis ~
CLICK HERE

What Every New Member Needs to Know ~
CLICK HERE

For the ICSI board -CLICK HERE

ICSI - Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply)
CLICK HERE

A great area to get the lowdown on local clinics and meet others in your area
Locations
CLICK HERE

For Cycle buddies -[url=http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=61.0]CLICK HERE

Male factors -CLICK HERE

*
The Mens Room~* - strictly for DH he may like to chat to other guys 
CLICK HERE

That should keep you busy for a while, however don't forget to have a bit of fun while you are on FF and check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area

G&B - Community Fun board Great newbie night every Wed 8pm
CLICK HERE

To make the site easier to navigate click on the index tab at the top of any page - pink hearts mean there is something new within the board you have not read/looked at and if you scroll right down you will see the last ten posts from all over FF all are clickable  if you refresh this page (f5) it will update the last ten posts as well as the boards/threads and who's online!!!

Take some time to look at the *help tab* too 

Sending you lots of  and .

Louj


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Blade Runner said:


> I think what has surprised me the most is my complete change in attitude. When I was young (and stupid) I thought that if we couldnt have kids it wouldnt matter as life was such a blast! We even said that if it ever came to having to go to the 'extreme' of IVF, we wouldnt bother as it was obviously not meant to be and that the gene pool would obviously be better off without us!! Doh!


Oh hun, I could have written that post; I said more or less exactly the same thing...well, take a look at my profile and you'll see what I ended up doing to get a baby! Hindsight is wonderful isn't it.

 for you.

You can't change what has happened in your past and you can't beat yourself up about what you should have or could have done. What you can do now is make a positive decision to change your future now and, as you say, think positively.   

Wishing you loads of luck! 

C~x


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## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Hi Louj, thanks for the links, they're really useful.  

I hope my dad and mum and sis are looking out for us (as well as DHs oldies too!) from wherever they are now - I remember my dad saying "I hate screaming kids, bl00dy things, should be a law against them, bla bla bla" and I'd look him straight in the eye and say "you dont want to meet any kids I might have then? hmm?" and he'd just grin and have a twinkle in his eye  Looking back it was probably his way of dealing with the fact that my sisters kids had scattered to the wind and we hadnt had any kids, so of course 'he didnt want any youngsters around him anyway' so that was alright! I wish I'd have called his bluff while he was still alive, the silly old bugger   Anyhow, bit late for that, so it's onwards and upwards I guess.  

Hi Caz, nice to see that someone who was as daft as me has got a success story to tell  

Thanx ladies xxx


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## Blade Runner (Aug 6, 2008)

Blimey things are moving fast!!! 

I called Woking this morning to book DH and I in for our implications consultation. They asked us if we wanted to come in this Thursday!! As we're both having our bloods that day, we're going in a week tomorrow instead. Not only that, but they asked if we wanted to start tx next period! I thought the waiting lists were really long!?! So we're having a double session on Tuesday so they can do our treatment plan at the same time!!! Blimey, it's suddenly gone from a possibile option to full steam ahead     

Ooo, really nervous all of a sudden - it's getting really real if you know what I mean   I expected to have to wait for appointments, wait for tx, have more time to get our heads around stuff and get twitchy and impatient, and they've just said 'right come on then, let's do it'!!! Deep breaths, deep breaths.....


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## spooks (Oct 11, 2007)

go for it!


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## Kushtaka (Jul 23, 2008)

Congratulations! You are on the path and not having to wait months to get there.  

I had to laugh at your description of DH. I still remember a row with my DH where I told him I needed him to care deeply about all this (said at much higher volume & with many tears). He started to cry and said that just because he didn't show his emotions like I do, that he still cared VERY deeply. He also feels guilty that all my tests have been normal, his are why we need ICSI, and I have to go through all this stuff. It's hard on _our_ bodies, not theirs. Be good to him ~ it's hard on you both. 

That being said, I did my own injections. During the 2WW he did _everything_ ~ lifting, cleaning, cat box, etc.

Good luck with your treatment!

Kush


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## Joey_V (Jul 7, 2008)

Wow, Blade Runner, that's great! Go for it! It's been similar for us as I phoned up the Lister last week and we've got our first appointment this Friday. Don't think we'll be starting immediately though as I haven't had my Day 3 levels tested yet. (I know I'll be nervous about that thinking they're gonna tell me I've left it too late). So maybe we'll be starting the month after that. Anyway, I've got everything crossed 4u.

Wanted to say hi to Kush too, from a fellow Orpy girl!
xxx


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