# Really Struggling



## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Hi - I haven't been on the boards for at least year in which time we have had a failed ivf (sep 2012).
My sister has announced she is expecting her first baby and I don't know how to cope with my own feelings.  They didn't have a struggle to concieve at all.  I'm pleased for my sister, but I also feel a failure myself.  This will be my parents first grandchild and as I am the oldest child of three sisters I feel a failure.  Everyone is being very nice and supportive and my sister has been very kind in the way she has told me.
But I feel like I am back on the raft in the middle of the sea with no direction - just floating around.
Just needed to get things off my chest.  Not sure what to do with myself at all.

Red
xxx


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

Redgirl   

I know how u feel my sister has four kids... 
Shes two years younger than me too.. 

So sorry you are goin through this darling xxx


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## BunnieBW (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi Red,

I have had two failed IVF cycles this year and am feeling lost like you.  Not really sure of where I fit in at the moment as all my friends have babies.  I have an older brother and he doesnt have children and it doesnt look like he will so I cannot sympathise with how you feel about that but I do feel like I'm the only option to give my parents the grand children they so deserve and therefore feel like a failure too. 

Hope you feel happier and more postive soon  

Bunnie x x


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## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Thanks for replies staceyemma and bunnie - it's good to talk and feel the support.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Red

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling at the mo, this is such a hard a journey isn't it    I really feel for you, it's such a sad situation to be in.  I feel very similar to you, but for me it's not my sister who is pregnant but my best friend.  We have known each other all our lives (well, 35 years!) and have always been very close, like sisters.  It shook my world when she phoned to tell me her news as I didn't really think they were that bothered about having children or even trying.  Over time I thought I'd come to terms with it but no, if anything it's getting worse for me.  I feel like digging my heels in on time to slow down the clock as I'm dreading the day I get the phone call/text to say baby has arrived    I'm the opposite to you in that I'm the youngest sibling and I'm the only one (out of a large family) who is struggling to conceive, so I do understand the feeling of failure.  Sadly I don't have any wise words of wisdom, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone in how you're feeling.  I really like your 'raft at sea' analogy, sums it all up perfectly.

Sending lots of hugs    and I really hope you find a way to cope with all of this, even if it means coming on here more frequently to 'off-load'   xxx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi Red

I wanted to show some support,   

My sister is 5 years younger and now has two little ones. I really feel for you reading your post. I felt very lost and sad when I heard she was first pregnant as we had been trying for some time and were starting to understand there was a problem for us, and of course since then we have been ttc and another baby has easily come along. I will soon be the only cousin without kids too.

I hope this is not the wrong thing to say, but.. unexpectedly I do find that my niece and nephew bring me so much joy, their love helps me through harder days, and I don't feel lost at sea when I am with them. In a way, they have also taken the pressure off me to provide a grandchild, and allow me to be a bit less stressed on our journey.

I know all situations are different and I hope nothing I've said has upset you, but wanted to share my experience and send some hugs.

Hope you feel better soon xx


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## dragonfly10 (Dec 5, 2010)

Hello

Just couldn't read and run as I was in exactly the same position as you 2 years ago when I found out my SIL/bestfriend was pregnant with our families first little one. I was 39 at the time and always thought it would be me bringing home that first grandchild but it wasn't to be. It was a perfect daydream and I felt it had been taken from me. It took me a long time to get over the feelings I had about it. Through her pregnancy I could barely talk about it, but she was incredibly understanding about it and gave me time to just find my way.

So the baby arrived and my parents love their grandson so very much but I now know that won't make our baby (when they eventually show themselves  ) any less important. In fact I think knowing how hard I have struggled has just meant that my family will love that baby just as much as their precious first grandchild/nephew.

AFM my little nephew is my world! He brings my and my husband such joy. He makes us laugh and smile on a daily basis and we feel blessed to have that little person in our lives. 

And now she has number 2 on the way. My DH and I cried buckets and were in so much pain, it doesn't get any easier but we bounced back and are now so looking forward to a new addition to our extended family. We're still battling on for ours.

As yogabunny has said I hope this doesn't hurt you and that I haven't said the wrong thing but I think what I'm trying to say is it hurts and it's so dreadfully painful but things will get easier.

 Dragonfly


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## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Hi Nosilab, Yogabunny and dragonfly - thanks for replies it is much appreciated.  It's very hard and at the moment I feel as if I want to hide away.  I wish my sister had told me they were trying so I could at least have had some time to get used to the idea.  She has always bashed the idea away.  But I know ttc is a very private thing and she doesn't have to tell me. 
I am hoping I will bond with the nephew or niece - I am worried I won't and it will distance me from the family, but your experiences do help me to think I will be able to be a good aunty. 
It is a difficult journey - I have no friends left (apart from a very new friend) who are childless and at 40 I am quite worried our chances are very low.
But thank you for all your replies as it means a lot!
Red
xxx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Red

I can totally relate to your feelings of wanting to hide away, I've thought that many times  

Does your sister know about your struggle with ttc and your failed IVF cycle?  If so it is a bit of a shame she didn't tell you they were ttc as that would have at least softened the blow for you, I know it's a very private thing though, so it's a tricky situation.  It's so much harder to come to terms with when we assume someone isn't particularly fussed about having children, and just brush any such comments away, which is how it happened with my friend too. But, I have no doubt that you will bond with your niece/nephew and will become very close, I'm actually fine with all my nieces and nephews, it's just my friends' children that I struggle with, weird huh.  Try not to worry too much about your age (difficult I know) as there are a lot of ladies who conceive at 40+  

Take care and sending hugs   xx


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## mlotty82 (Nov 6, 2012)

Hi red

I can totally relate to your feelings and how confusing your situation is. 

I found out my sister (who is 4 years younger) was pregnant, the day after a BFN after taking clomid. My sister is my best friend and I know how hard it was for her to come and sit in front of me to tell me her news, but I cried uncontrollably for an hour after she told me. I am so over the moon to be an Auntie for the first time and my sister has asked me to be her birthing partner, (which I am so excited about,) but I'm also worried for my own mental wellbeing and how it will affect me. She is due in March and I have been hoping that over the next couple of months I may have conceived (with clomid) but was told yesterday that I am unresponsive to clomid. They now want me to have ovarian drilling but there is a 3 month waiting list and so my hopes of conceiving before the birth have well and truly been diminished. I'm now considering stepping back from being a birthing partner but I also know that I may never get the opportunity to see a baby's first moments again and will probably regret it.

I've been having a really rough time over these last couple of weeks and I do not want my sister to know what I'm going through, as I'm scared she will stop telling me things about the pregnancy in case it upsets me. Also in the back of my mind I'm thinking "a niece or nephew is the next best thing" and so I should enjoy every moment of it, but I keep wandering around the baby sections of supermarkets looking at things for my new niece or nephew and feeling an overwhelming sense of dread and personal failure!

I also feel robbed that I wasn't the one to break it to my parents that they were going to become grandparents but I'm rationalising my feelings and know they will be over the moon if my day ever comes! 

Keep your chin up and if your family is anything like mine they will understand and give you what you need; if thats time and space to get your head around it or involve you in the pregnancy like my sister is trying to do (although I cant help but listen to those voices on bad days that say "she is just pitying you!")

I'm going to go and talk to a counsellor to try and work out my own anxieties about my sisters pregnancy as I'm worried that I'm either going to become overly obsessed or resent the new baby and I'm worried about how it will affect the relationship I have with my family. I would rather deal with these feelings now before the baby is born then I am more prepared to deal with whatever emotions are headed my way. I will let you know how I get on but maybe talking to someone will help.

Big hugs  

Mlotty


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## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Hi everyone thank you for your replies.  Hi Nosalib - my sister did know about our ttc journey as does the whole family so everyone knows about our struggles.  Thanks for support.
Hi to mlotty - I do understand how you feel - we are in a similar situation.  I too have mixed feelings.  The counselling idea is great and it is actually something I have been having for a few years to help cope with the infertility journey.  I had a session today to talk about my sister and how to cope etc.  What I came away with was that it is important I respond to my feelings and look after them whilst being understanding about my sister wanting to celebrate.  The counsellor said that the family need to recognise that  my feelings need to be managed with equal importanct as my sisters.  She also said that I need to say to my sister (or write which ever method is best) that I am really pleased for her and want nothing but the best for her and her new arrival.  But she needs to bear with me when it comes to seeing the scan picture and when the baby is born etc.  So I should have a chat and say that I might not feel able to join in a family celebration of the scan pic at 12 weeks - but prefer to see the pic on my own with my sister - or avctually not to see it at all if I find it difficult.  She said it is important to say to my sister that is isn't because I am not pleased for her - it is that I have suffered a loss and my journey is different and I may not be able to react in the same was as everyone else at the moment. But again it isn't because I am not pleased for her - I am just managing my own feelings.  I was also worried about whether I should go to the hospital when the baby arrives and what would be expected.  It is also the hospital where I had my miscarriage treatment and all my fertility treatment.  I feel that it would be hard for me to go there to see a new baby and the counsellor said it is perfectly fine to tell my sister in advance that I might not go to the hospital, but see her at home later and at a more quieter time.
Basically she was sating that it is important to manage my feelings and not feel pressured to join in at times if I don't feel like it, but to communicate with my sister and let her know I love her and to bear with me.
Sorry for going on - I thought it might be interesting to hear what the counsellor said.  I think you are very brave to go to the birth.  I am not sure how I would feel - but I imagine it would be a wonderful experience.  I think counselling will help you work out what is best for you as it is important to look after yourself too.
Red
xxx


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## mlotty82 (Nov 6, 2012)

Hi Red

Thanks for sharing your counselling experience. I have been to the doctors today who have told me that there is a 4 month waiting list for counselling with the NHS! So it looks like I'm going to have to resort to going private and paying for the support myself! I am genuinely surprised that all couples going through fertility treatment aren't offered a course of counselling as part of the treatment. I do genuinely feel that I will benefit from counselling by having someone other than my DP to talk to and get my feelings off my chest, and as much as he may resist, it would probably be beneficial for him as well as I am very aware it can't be easy for him.

I found this really good article earlier via this website that you might find interesting

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Hope all goes well with your family, I'm sure they will be very supportive once they understand what is going round in your head!

Take care

Mlotty


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi *Red*,

Just wanted to say that I had a counselling session yesterday and most of the session consisted of me talking about my best friends pregnancy and how I'm going to cope etc. reading your post was almost like ready a transcript of my appointment, it's almost word for word identical  It was good to read it and know that we've been given the same advice, I'm sure this is a very common scenario that patients talk to them about. Did you find it all useful? I did, and am planning on drafting an email to my friend over the next few days. Good luck with which ever way you decided to tell your sister 

*mlotty82*, you are a _very_ strong lady for agreeing to be your sisters birthing partner. Don't feel bad or guilty though if you decide after all that it'll be too much for you, you have to protect yourself  Does your clinic not offer counselling to couple undergoing fertility treatment? I thought all clinics in the UK were obliged to? By the way, I love that article, I found it a while ago and have since shared it with friends and family.

xx


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## tryinginthestow (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi all, 

I had to respond as mlotty, when you said 'I also feel robbed that I wasn't the one to break it to my parents that they were going to become grandparents' you really took the words out of my mouth. This is also what I find hardest, although like all of us, I do my best to rationalise it. I know that what anyone else is doing doesn't affect me, but it can be a struggle to think clearly in this way.

xxx


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## Redgirl (May 16, 2007)

Hi Nosalib and tryinginthestow - sorry for delay in replying, work has been very busy and I haven't had a moment to catch up.  To Nosalib - the counselling did help and if I feel I need to I will write to my sister.  I do feel a bit better recently - although I do know when their scan date is and I don't know how I will feel then.  I think an email to your friend is a good idea.  It will also give her time to absorb and respond in a careful way.  Tryinginthesnow - thank you for your support and I hope you are feeling ok.  I know it is a hard one and a struggle. 

Red
xx


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