# Early thoughts about Adoption...



## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

Hi....
We know what our plan is, but dont know how to start where to turn to, who to speak with.... 

My story sofar: We have been granted 3 IVF's on the NHS, WE have used 1 already ( sadly no eggs fertilised) We are due to start Ivf again in july. The first IVF was in 2007 which we funded ourselfs, and lost money on as we didnt get to EC and the cycle was cancelled, hence us then asking to be added to waiting list, so we waited from june 07 til end of 2009 before we finally got funding. So now we feel we cant not use our free IVFs... but after that, it will be game over for us on the IVF route and this is our plan to start adoption... We have been ttc since 2001, and tried IUI in the start, but due the clinic telling me i have unexplained infertilty when actually i have PCO. We wasted many yrs, trying IUI which would never of worked anyway. So i really wanna start the adoption ball rolling now, as if i have to wait any more im gunna be so old and i will have spent all my 30s waiting!!! 
I am 35 this year! DH 36. We said from the start that we would adopt, if IVF failed and have often thought about adoption, but i can see the future now, and i feel this will be the final route we take...
We are longing for our perfect family, and life is not complete with that little being in it! 

So where should i start? What should i do? Or should i wait til after the next 2 IVF's? 

Any advice would be most welcome! xx


----------



## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi IpswichBabe

I've moved your topic over here so more people will see it.  I'm sure our ladies will have lots of advice for you.  

Bx


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Firstly, well done on getting funding!!!  By the time the funding came about we had paid for too many private goes to be given any.  Good luck with your treatment.

I don't think you'll find any agency that will take you on for adoption while you are doing ivf, most like a minimum of 6 months break after your last ivf in order for you to get your life back, your head round no more tx and no biological child and to be as sure as you can that adoption is the path you want to follow rather than more tx or living child free.  

Though this may sound unfair/harsh, reality is you really cannot do both together.  They are both emotional rollercoasters and both take 100% commitment, in fact I'd say adoption needs more than 100% and a lot of people decide its not right for them before they get as far as approval panel.  Adoption also brings up a lot of your feelings about your childhood, your IF, your expectations and much more that can trigger all sorts of reactions in you, you need to be able to give detailed information coherently and that comes from a certain level of acceptance (especially with IF).

To be able to move on from ivf to adoption I think you have to make sure there are no 'What ifs' left unanswered.  You have to be able to be happy that you have tried as much as you feel you need to and put ivf behind you for your sake but most importantly for any children you may adopt.  The children will have all been through some loss and separation at the very least and need total commitment from their new parents.  Even the 'easiest' of adoptions take a huge amount of work to be successful.

I think your first decision to make is whether you feel going through the ivf is worth it  You don't sound as though you think it will work, only delay you getting started on adoption.  If that is the case I think you need to work out whether you really need to do ivf and if so commit 100 % to it, or whether you are only doing it because you have funding  There is no hard and fast rule saying you have to take the funding just because its there or that you have to complete all the cycles.

I wouldn't be worrying about your age as far as adoption is concerned, you would be considered fairly young in this 'world'   On average it takes about 2 years from start to approval though as many of us know this can be quicker.  We went to approval panel 1 year after first enquiry.  Matching is a totally different matter and can take weeks or years, we met our DS 8 months after approval but knew about him from 4 months after approval, others I know have waited 16 months for a match and others longer still, its such an unknown element.

Whatever you decide, good luck.
OT x


----------



## Mrs Dibbles (Aug 19, 2007)

Hi Ipswich babe, I agree with what old timer says. Before you can go into adoption you have to make sure you are ready to leave the world of IVF and fertility treatment behind.

I like you had IVF before eventually deciding that adoption was the route for us. I had one course of IVF which got to embryo stage and the second course which was funded resulted in no eggs being collected. Although both my parents and husbands parents said they would help us out with funding another cycle, (we had originally said that we would try 3 cycles) we both felt we couldn't go through the process again. We took some time out though before imbarking on the adoption process as I think it is important to give yourself time to grieve and enter the world of adoption with a fresh and positive outlook. 

I feel it is definitely the right decision for us, and I feel very excited about our prep course which starts next week. Good luck with what you decide to do, but don't rush yourself hun. lots of luck Mrs D xx


----------



## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

like mrs dibbles, we also said we'd have three goes. however both of our cycles have had poor results and i think we both know in our heart of hearts that we don't want to try again. it's been a hard decision to make especially for mr c who kinda assumed it would work first time and we would have a baby...and now we are unlikely to have a baby at all as there are few to be adopted

having said that though, we have reached the decision that adoption is what we both want and the fact we would get an older child/ren a positive thing 

if you had zero fert last time are you having ICSI this time? it may be worth asking your consultant if this would help. and that may help with the decision making process...when we were told there wasn't anything that could be done for us, it would just be a case of trying again and hoping (and we got a second opinion too) it certainly helped us

i also think if you're wanting 'the perfect family' then adoption may be something you need to do a bit of reading up on first. it may be you're looking at it with slightly rose tinted glasses   which is understandable as treatment is so daunting. 'an adoption diary' by maria james is an easy read but very informative, so that may be a good start.

good luck whichever way you go


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi there.


We have also thought long and hard about about whether we want to continue with ivf or more to adoption.  Personally i think its important to recognise that its not one or the other, adoption is completely different from having treatment, so there fore it can not be, treatment has not worked lets move to adoption.  Having a baby is a completely selfish thing, eg we are totally doing it for ourselves, (i am not calling us all selfish!).  Adopting is a two way thing its about your emotions and the child's, basically its a completely different mind set.  I have cared for some young girls who have been adopted and as others have said children who need to be adopted are bound to come with some issues, something else to be considered.  xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## ❣Audrey (Aug 22, 2008)

I think the ladies have all pretty much made the points that I would point out.  I think if anyone is still considering tx then they're not quite ready for adoption - when you make the decsion to adopt you need to be 110% commited to it.

Thinking of you xxx


----------

