# Referees!



## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Just a light hearted thread really.  Our SW has already sent out the questionnaires to our referees.  Did anyone else feel tempted to ask what they had written?  I have...   LOL.

Most people said they couldn't think of any weakness, but my best friend (ahem...) did put that we were both stubborn and liked to think we were right about what we believe in.  I can't pretend that I wasn't a bit put out by that... but suppose it was my fault for asking...   

What happened with everyone else!?  Did you ask?  Were you a bit miffed to hear the answer?

Cx


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

I know what you mean! i never asked but would desperately have loved to read what was written about me!!!!....

to this day I'd love toget my hands onour file!


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## gillywilly (Apr 18, 2004)

Hi
I think its interesting 2 of my refs wanted me to read ours so guess we are really lucky. I think its amazing to read what others think of you.

Love Gill


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

C, i dont think what your friends put was a negative, i think it shows spirit and loyality that you will stick to your guns if its something you believe in.

We have decided who our referees are so must ask them if we can read what they put before they send it off!!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

what questions are actually on the referees forms??


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

ditto for asking that question too!!


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

hi - we chose 2 of our closest friends who knew us so well & they gave us a glowing report, we got to read both references as our friends wanted us to know they were 100% behind us & thought we would be excellent parents. hopefully I'm living up to their dreams  

The kind of things they ask your references is to describe you as a couple,  individually, what your strengths & weakness are, how you deal with things, just general things really, there is nothing to deep or intrusive that they ask your friends to write about you.

If your friends are willing, I'm sure they would be, they will be happy to let you read what they have put.

I remember one of our friends writing that she couldn't wait for us to be placed with children as she couldn't wait to see our house full of clutter & not as neat as a pin as it usually is.  Our SW thought that was really funny & our dear friend got her wish, I can't keep on top of the house work these days - never mind I wouldn't swap anything - just maybe a few more hours in the day!


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

We decided not to ask outright to see the references, unless they offered.  Most of them have told us more or less what they'd written though.  I know they will be glowing, but thought it a shame my best friend felt she HAD to put a weakness...!!  LOL...!!  Alex28, thanks for saying it doesn't sound like a weakness...  It's just weird having people write about you.  

By the way, we had to have 6 referees... did some only need to provide 2 then!??
Cxx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi - We had to list 4 people as referee's but only 2 couples were chosen!


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, we only needed to provide 2 referees and one guardian and the referee and guardian could be the same person.  We got to know about our references as one friend copied hers for us to see and the other read it out over the phone.  We didn't try to get them to change it in any way as I think that would have been inappropriate.  Mind you, what they wrote was nice so didn't need to worry.


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi everyone,

We have been informed that we will need 4 referees who know us both and 1 family referee.  This did seem alot to me until I read Andrea's reply to this post!

Laine


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Laine... we've been asked for 6 - only 2 of those can be family, 1 on each side..!  I thought that was quite a lot myself. She said she will visit at least 3 of those, maybe more, depending on how busy she is..!!


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Barbarella - Oh and there's me thinking 4 was a lot


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Our referee letters went out this week.  We have been asked for three (none family) but they only interview two.  Oh...and we can get a reference from our church to prove our faith which might be required for matching purposes.

I am desperate to find out what is asked adn what our referees say...but I will probably be too nervous to ask them.

Magenta x


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

we had to list six unrelated and one family
they took written refs from all of them, and when it looked for a while like one couldn't (she had a sick baby inhospital) they wanted another. it turns out she did the ref. they also took n additional family ref from my parents in australia.  they then visited 2 non family, and the one family ref.  this is standard practice in the south east consortium, who are super vigilant (it was an LA from this consortium who had the murder in brighton so they are as strict as can be- understandable!)

I guess what it does show the sw is how supported you are- but yes stressful to have so many people writing about you. Oh, and in addition, because Iwork with children I had one sent to my boss as well!!


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

magenta.. we were given a copy of the questionairre!! just like everyone said-
what are their strengths/weaknesses, interests, how do they relax? how do they cope with stress? what do you think about their parenting capacity? have they faced any adversity eg bereavement, infertility and how did they deal with this? etc etc


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Oh and I forgot the reference that had to go to the ex-dh who hasn't seen or known me for over 9 yrs...lol....!!  Still, needs must, but I hate the fact that he knows my business.  It was a friendly split... just a very long time ago...!!


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

We only had to give three.  All had to know us both and one had to be our guardians for the children.

Sounds like a lot of reference writing in some LA's

Barbarella - don't worry about the ex-partners.  I really paniced about the fact they had to write to dh's ex but she never replied.  Just hate the thought of what her brain is making of it all.

Karen x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

we have to give three each, so 6 in total inc a family member from each side. they will visit at least 2 but maybe more if they feel the need. she also said about work/professional references for each of us but didnt seem to know if that was included in the 6 or was on top 
this has been a good thread, really interesting to see how all the agencies differ...

kj x


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Barbarella - don't worry about the ex-partners. I really paniced about the fact they had to write to dh's ex but she never replied. Just hate the thought of what her brain is making of it all.

Karen x

Yes, that's what I am more concerned about... that he knows my business. I know he will give a good reference, as he's a sweet guy (well he used to be..lol) and we left on good terms... but even so, I haven't bumped into him for about 9 years and he doesn't know me from Adam any more... oh well !!


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Just to be different, we have to give 2 each and they dont do family ones in our LA.

We have a couple who know us both and then i have a friend who has known me for about 10 years (she was another friends referee a few years ago so hopefully is good at knowing what to write!) and DH is still struggling with who to put for his second one - he has 2 good friends but both know him in diff ways - sure he will make his mind up soon - or i will for him


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