# Feeling like the most awful person in the world!! (warning very honest!!)



## button1981 (Apr 27, 2013)

Well where do i start.........

I am 32 and have been TTC for over 4 years, recently been to the fertility clinic and back next month as i am not ovulating, also my OH has low mobility and abnormal sperm. I have a daughter who is 8 from a previously relationship
Anyway this week has been awful , i seem to go thru phases where it doesn't bother me so much when i see or hear about pregnant woman... btw only close friends and family know whats happening as my OH is funny about people knowing
So this week i have recieved a text from a girl i know but not overly friendly with telling me she is pregnant again and attached is a scan pic!! It seems like every lassie on ma ******** is pregnant and wanna share how sick sore tired etc they are..while i look on and wish to be sick tired and sore thru pregnancy!! I have also had to tell my daughter that a close family member has passed away and now to top it off i have found out that my ex partners gf has misscarrioed with twins   My heart goes out to her as i had a misscaridge before my daughter but if i am honest i am relieved that i do not have to listen to 9 months of her pregnancy which makes me feel like the most awful person in the world!! I also have my best friend who could be pregnant and will find out today after a one night stand wi a guy who has no intrest in even seeing her again!!

I know alot of these women i see in the st etc have possibly faced thier own struggles to concieve but since i am being brutally honest this does not comfort me altho i have sympathy for anyone faced with fertility problems. I do have a friend on ** who is pregnant and tbh i am over the moon for her as she has been trying for 16 yrs and is finally past 3 months in a pregnancy 
Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant but i hope anyone reading can understand i needed to vent and didnae know where else to turn!! 
Hoping this will pass again but just now a feel awful and so bitter xxx


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## morganna (Sep 16, 2008)

Hi Button -


Just to say that every emotion you feel, has been felt here on this board, by MANY of us!!
You are certainly not alone.


Vent away  .


Its perfectly normal to do so.


Its better to get things out, and off your chest.


Hope you can find some comfort here.


 
Morganna xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

have you considered a large bar of chocolate.       

I agree, you're not alone - even though i'm pregnant so you'll probably think I don't understand, I do, because I spent a long time shutting myself away from dealing with pregnant people. Or anything to do with it. Trying not to show that I was crying at baby food adverts, that sort of thing. IF is tough. really tough.


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## hayleybelle (Jul 13, 2013)

Hi Button, what you are experiencing is very normal, and most of us feel exactly the same.
A very wise lady one told me this once: 'what you have to remember is, all these ladies are not having 'your' baby, only you can do that' .  It kinda just stuck and every time I see a pregnant woman I remember that that child is theirs and not mine, and it works for me in a strange way.  Just try and focus on the positive things in life, and be kind to yourself xxx


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## button1981 (Apr 27, 2013)

Aww thank you very much xx 

I was doing well but i am now in tears haha....Large bars of chocolate are my best friend just now and responsible for my fat **** haha!!
I don't think u wont understand Gold hunni and congratulations on ur pregnancy!! I just feel awful and kinda shocked by how a felt when i was told about my Ex's partner  she is lovely and we get on great but now am questioning recent converstaions we had as she knows we are TTC etc x I do have a really good couple of friends i can talk to 1 who has been TTC for 7 yrs and the other who has recently had a baby boy after losing 2 in early pregnancy...funny thing is i supported her all thru her pregnancy and was happy to do so..yeah am a stange one lol 

I love this site as most people don't get how hard and what an emotional rollercoster it is and i am guilty too as before we started to try i used to wonder why my friend felt the way she did when she had her wee boy and think she should be greatful for having him as some people cant have kids at all....oh how wrong was i eh.

My partner doesnae get it ...no aw that great wi emotions as much as he wants a child ( he has none) he never really talks about it unless we have an app so my way of dealing with it is to just laugh n joke about stuff..clearly thats went a bit wrong the day haha xxx


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi button,

It's completely normal feeling like that, it's really hard when everyone around you seems to be pregnant, & I too felt envious of people who had natural pregnancies ending in miscarriage because at least they could conceive.

A piece of advice I found helpful which kind of echoes what hayleybelle said, is to remember that when you see other people with the thing you want most in the world, don't assume they are anywhere near as happy as you would be in their shoes. Every day I see and hear women who have had no difficulty having children, & they look as miserable as sin, dragging their kids around & treating them like a nuisance, moaning and complaining about how "hard" motherhood is, because they will never know the true value of a child. 

I will keep my fingers crossed that your time will come again, & that it will be extra special when it does.

Hugs,

B xxxx


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## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Hi Button

I think at least half of your distress at the moment is because you are beating yourself up for feeling like you do. Admittedly, it's not the prettiest sentiment to be secretly relieved that someone has had a miscarriage - but you can't actually help how you feel. It would only really be an actual problem if you told her how you felt - I'm assuming you won't do that   Even when we choose to see the good in a situation and focus on that, it doesn't mean that darker thoughts haven't entered our minds. It's all a reflection of how we are experiencing our situation. 

I'm currently a few days overdue to give birth. I would 100% deal with all the discomfort and...well anything...if someone could guarantee that my baby was going to be OK. I'm frantic with worry and I just want to baby to be born safely. Nothing else matters. As such, those in the due-date group who have had their babies are driving me mad to the point where I'm staying away from it all. Moan Moan Moan Moan - they hardly ever post anything positive about their babies. Quite likely because they are exhausted and sore from the births BUT all I can think of is how lucky they are that their babies have been born safely. Also, their constant horror stories are not helping with my anxiety and they seem to have quickly forgotten those in the group that are still waiting to give birth possibly need support too!!!  You are probably annoyed that I'm moaning about being overdue, because at least I have a baby on the way...point is that it doesn't matter if you feel negatively towards someone because there will be a valid reason.  

I think the key is often that you find it easier to relate to people who are not too wrapped up in their own situation - who can have their moan and then listen to someone else without trying to compete for 'who has it worst'. If you have been supporting various friends - it can be a slap in the face to find that there isn't really anyone there to listen to you when you need it.  

If you think you are strange - I feel desperate for some emotional support from friends/family at the moment, but have been shutting them out and ignoring the phone etc because they are literally driving me to murder with their STUUUUUPID comments and stuff grrrr   Of course, I am aware that this is my problem, not theirs   

Hope you feel better soon - have a glass of wine with your chocolate - and have 3 for me please xxxx


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## button1981 (Apr 27, 2013)

Thanks B and Little xx

Little i think uve hit the nail right on the head i am beating masel up coz of how i feel...stuidly txted my partner to tell him and get some support as i assumed he would understand as we are in this the gether...clearly no my best move as he agrees i am selfish!! My friends have been supportive and altho i currently hate the world n their bumps i could not be happier for the pregnant ladies on here who have fought so hard and been thru so much to hold their little bundles of joy xx everyone likes a moan esp me haha!! I genuinly feel for both my ex and his gf no one deserves that to happen but ur right u can't help how u feel no matter how bad u feel about being like that!! I am thinking abit more clearly and i think its just because i am so good at avoiding people who are pregnant but with her its to close to home plus i havent felt like this for a while infact over 2 years when i avoided my niece for 9 months due to her getting herself pregnant at a very young age because she thought it was cool!! 

Again 
thank you all so very much for answering and making me feel human!!! 
Little if u need anyone to moan to just drop me a line n if anyone needs a giggle ....i managed to delete all my contacts from my phone the day so now a have about 4 numbers in ma bloody phone haha xxx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Ladies
I too can relate to how you feel, it's a particularly tough week for me as I would have been due Oct 5th, and today and yesterday both my boss and a colleague have had their babies and I am just so resentful as both have kids already and I don't...
Although I am also currently pregnant again, it doesn't seem to help with the feeling of loss as all I can think about is that things could go very wrong for me again - LittleL I hear you!

Since I've had my FET it's been a bit easier for me seeing pregnant women in the street, as I feel I could be part of the bump club soon too, but I've also had days where I just wanted to throttle anyone strutting smugly along with a bump.

It's because IF and MC are so invisible that it's hard to deal with. I find if you share it with people it gets a bit easier, but I'd still hate that girl who sent you the scan pic on your mobile. Arghh! Is there no escape!?

Another friend of mine told me she lost her mucus plug today; she sounds excited now, but when I first lost my baby and she was pregnant she felt so removed from her pregnancy (although she also had IVF) that she said she wanted to swap with me!
And so did I... I would have given anything to have my baby survive my OHSS ordeal and couldn't believe she didn't want to be a mum as desperately as I do... Just goes to show, everyone s different and you truly don't know what goes on in someone's life.
Hope you can surround yourself with supportive, helpful people and stick to child-free places for a while, until you are in a better place emotionally!

If you want to actively change how you feel, you can try EFT - check out http://www.fertilemindset.tv/2011/12/how-they-be-pregnant-and-not-me.html


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## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Yikes Button - be careful who you admit your deepest, darkest feelings to  - although you could admit to your partner that you know it's wrong to feel like you do, but that just happens to be the way you feel. I'm sure they have had the odd bad feeling - it's human nature.

To be honest, it doesn't really sound like you are glad that she miscarried at all. You have just experienced relief that it's one less pregnancy to have to deal with at the moment. There is a big difference there. 

We all have our cross to bear - and what upsets one person could even be a dream-come-true for the next. 

My pregnant friend is struggling with her weight gain and keeps posting things on ******** about it - it makes me cringe (not least because it's like fishing for compliments) but it is really upsetting her so I guess she needs the support. I sincerely hope that none of her ** friends are struggling with IF at the moment - reading that almost every day is going to be like a knife in the heart!!!!

Thanks for the offer Button but although I would love a moan, I would probably end up covering everything from tax to global warming   Hormones... hahahahaha!!! Actually, my mood is lifting a little now...this has been a good supportive thread from people in all sorts of situations...FF at its best xx


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## button1981 (Apr 27, 2013)

Hey Broody congrats hunni!! 
Sorted things with OH well kinda least he is willing to talk about it!! 
I would never wish it on anyone Little ur so good at putting into words what i couldnae ,,, i have have misscarried myself before i had my daughter so i know how it feels and the sense of loss felt...i also get how scary it is when ur become pregnant again...it took me 6 months to start enjoying my pregnancy with my daughter then labour went well a bit tits up and a was blue lighted to a bigger hospital for a c-section...the whole way there all i did was cry and say please tell me my baby will be ok!! 

Anyway i honestly cant thank you all enuff!! i like it here as its a safe place and honestly i like a gd rant so anyone needing a moan just drop me a like and if u need a giggle drop me a line and i will entertain you with the stupid **** i manage to do on a daily basis!! 
Love to all u lovley ladies with bump,, i honestly can't wait ti hear how u are all doing n a don't mind u guys being preggers xxx


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## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

Hi button, have you thought about seeing a fertility counsellor? It can be very hard trying to deal with all of these feelings on your own, especially when it's not the kind of thing you talk to all your friends and family about. Professional help isn't for everyone but it might be worth a thought. You're far from alone in feeling the way you do but if it's getting to the point of feeling relieved when a person miscarries because you won't have to hear about their pregnancy, that's a red flag. Don't feel guilty - you can't help the way you feel - but feeling bitter and resentful takes its toll on you and you need to take care of yourself.


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## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

I feel your pain. :-(
X


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## button1981 (Apr 27, 2013)

Hi ladies hoping ur all we'll...I have gotten over my shock n spoke to her turns out this is her second time, I feel awful with my reaction although am sure I won't b the last time'!! I have explained although I am trying that I am heartbroken for her n that if she needs to talk am here for her.....mid by counselling would help n tbh anything is worth a try ,, thank u all again u have no idea how much u all helped xx


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## Brown-candy (Oct 24, 2013)

U are absolutely right Bombshell!


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