# New and devastated



## bcgirl (Dec 4, 2005)

Hello everyone

At last I have found a place that makes me feel not quite so alone.

I have recently been told for certain that I won't have a child of my own. 

I was dx with breast cancer aged 37 in Sept 03. Treatment included massive doses of chemotherapy and despite some hormone treatment to try to 'protect' my ovaries, I have had an early menopause. 

It's all the more upsetting because I did have a few periods about 10 months after chemo finished. The doctors thought everything had come back to normal, but then my periods stopped earlier this year. Got referred to Barts, had all the tests done and am definitely post-menopausal.

I had been TTC since I was 31. had tried Clomid (and totally understand what those of you who are using it now are going through ---it was awful). Doctors decided we had unexplained infertility and I was just about to start IVF when I found the lump. Because I had a very aggressive form of cancer I was advised there as no time for any fertility treatment and I had to start the chemo 3 weeks after the surgery.

While I am of course glad to still to be here (and my dh has been fantastically supportive and says me surviving is  all that matters to him) --it's not enough. I desperately want a baby, so of course, I am feeling very very low and bleak at the moment. The future looks like a big black bottomless pit.

Our only hope really is egg donation and what with the lack of donors, that does not look very likely. Unfortunately, my relatives are too old. 

I am wondering how those of you out there who have had donated eggs went about finding a donor. And , how have your husbands and partners reacted to the prospect of having a child that is biologically theirs but not yours?

And does this awful awful sense of failure as a woman and the overwhelming sadness ever go away?

I have found comfort in reading some of the messages on here, so would be very appreciative of any replies.

BCgirl


----------



## suzy (Oct 12, 2003)

HI bcgirl,

My heart goes out to you - I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you have been through. 

I just wanted to say hi, and that you are not alone and hope you find some solace on these boards.

I don't know much about egg donation, but I hope your life takes a turn for the better soon,

Love,

Suzy


----------



## suziegirl64 (Oct 31, 2005)

Hello bcgirl

I was so sorry to read about your sadness. My heart goes out to you. You have found the right place to get good advice, love and support.

There are different threads that may be useful to you including, TTC after Cancer, Egg Donation and also the Abroad one. A lot of the couples who need egg donation go abroad as it is easier to get a donor and sometimes even less expensive than here.

I was lucky because my sister donated to me. I don't know how I would have gone about finding an anonymous one. There are plenty of women here who woll be able to advise you though.

Good luck and best wishes
Suzie xx


----------



## Plink (Mar 24, 2004)

Hello

I am sorry too to read your story. Let's hope the story does not stop here.
There are many ways to become a parent and it maybe needs exporing to see which route best suits you and your husband.
If you are considering egg donation, have you been told that it is safe to go through a pregnancy yourself (I understood that oestrogen surge during pregnancy can promote a recurrence and it is usually not advisable) or are you considering a surrogate?
Yours is a very sad story. I think the best thing to do is consult a fertility specialist with lots of contacts in this area- I may be able to suggest someone in London, if you are near.
I dont know much about the field but do have a friend who had a breast cancer (and chemo) discovered when she was breastfeeding her first baby (at your age or so) and I think she was advised not to have any more pregnancies. She has had the 'all-clear' some years later.

If you are intending using a donor for your own pregnancy (please check it is safe first) then there are many options and check out the boards here. You will find many young women who have used a donor egg ivf for whatever reason. Some are lucky to have a sister/friend and some use anonymous. Some have gone abroad.
Please get all the info first before paying for any treatment.
Best of luck
warm regards
Plink xx


----------



## ladyblue (Sep 13, 2005)

Hi bcgirl,

Your story really touched me, and I just thought I'd like to reply to you.

I too am 39 and 3 years ago, whilst undergoing my first IVF, I was diagnosed as going through a prem menopause. It was totally out of the blue and obviously I was devastated. I have since found out that my mum and her mum both had early menopauses, but neither had thought anything of it and hadn't said anything to me. Not their fault, but I can't help feeling 'if only?'

Knowing you will never have your own children is really hard to deal with. You need to give yourself time to grieve. 
It has taken me until earlier this year to give egg donation a go. 
I realise now that by carrying it, nurturing it, giving birth to it etc, the baby will truly be mine, and no baby would be more loved!
As for my DH, he is totally supportive. He says any baby we have, for the reasons above, will be ours.

As for feeling like a failure, I can relate to that. There are occasions when I still do, but it fades with time, I promise you.
The reason I had to undergo IVF in the first place was because of an operation I had when I was 7yrs old. It saved my life, but left me with severe adhesions which basically stuck everything together inside.
Whenever I feel down or sad, I remember that if I hadn't had the op, I wouldn't be alive today, and so I definitely wouldn't have any children.
I suppose I believe in fate, and it was meant to be this way.

If you're interested in egg donation, then you should check out the egg donation and abroadies threads.
I am with a clinic in Barcelona, because waiting lists over here are so long. But it is expensive.
Another option would be to advertise in the local rag - people's knowledge of egg donation is virtually non existent!

I truly hope you find your way, and I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.  

Take care,

ladyblue
    x


----------



## rhodsey (Dec 4, 2005)

Really sad for you bcgirl   Don't know anything about egg/sperm donors, but just wondered if you could do some kind of swap (does that sound really weird to everyone else?) You know you could receive eggs for dh sperm perhaps?  There is so many different kinds of problems that surely there would be somebody in your area in need of some sperm and would happily give an egg or two?
Hope you have a happy ending 
Rhodsey XX


----------



## Ginger (Jul 17, 2003)

Hi BC Girl - long post ahead .....

I'm so sorry to read about your chemotherapy and the fact that it caused early menopause. You really have been through a very tough time.

It is an awful, sad thing to be told that you can not have your own child. If you haven't already used a counselling service I would encourage you to see a BICA counsellor - you can fine one at BICA website (http://www.bica.net) , or use the one at your clinic.

The feelings of bereavement, anguish, sadness, are truly overwhelming and I needed to face them, wallow in them , recognise them and now, finally live with them. I must remember to let my emotions out every so often or it explodes. The counselling really helps with that and helps me feel normal.

I feel as if I'm not over "it", - my infertility - I will never get over "it". I carry it with me every day, but I carry it with me comfortably, it is a part of who I am and a part of the parent I will become. It is a kinder, more gentle pain now.

I am starting IVF with donor eggs in January and wanted to tell you how I found my donor.

We started the official search with the NGDT posters (http://www.ngdt.co.uk/) last March, and placed ads in local papers and one in a glossy magazine. Then I had some of my own posters made and a web-site. Then we sat back and waited ..... in between time my sisters offered to donate on my behalf and I got the ball rollling with blood tests etc.

Then at a BBQ in September I was full of wine and telling some women about our infertility problems, IVF etc and needing an egg donor. The women were fascinated and asked lots of questions. I have always been proud and wish to educate other women so I am always happy to answer questions and a few glasses of wine helps my confidence!!

2 days after the BBQ a bloke called my DH and said his wife had been struck by our story and would like to donate!!!!!!! It took about 2 seconds for me and DH to say YES YES YES, since then we have all had blood tests, scans, counselling etc etc. We have met the donor's children too - that was a real privilege - to meet my future child's half siblings!! We are hoping to down reg in January and are aiming for embryo transfer early in March.

My DH loves me and wants us to have a family. He just wants us to be parents, it's not about genetics with him, so we had no real issues there. It was very sad for me but I remind myself that I will grow this child's heart, my blood will flow through that heart, I will feed this child and nourish it. I will play it music and sing to it. I will be a mother from the minute the embryo finds a home in my womb.

Darling - I wish you the very best of luck, love and support, and truly hope you find what you're looking for

With love
Ginger xxxx


----------



## hola69 (Nov 17, 2005)

Hi BC girl,

first of all I would like to send you a HUGE hug   and if you ever need a chat please just let me know..

Youve been through such a lot and you have been so brave to come through, you should be very proud of yourself. 

Im going for egg donation as I found out that my eggs are poor and I have a benign growth on my pituartry gland. I know that Im lucky its benign and have not been through anything like the time you have had, but I just wanted to let you know that I too am desperate for kids (my Own) and I know how you feel hun I really do.

I have an MRI scan Monday and just want to get the thing over, once its removed or stopped I will be relieved, but what Im living and hoping for is my egg donation will work. After lost of time thinking, tons of help from the fantastic friends on this site and long chats and support from my family and friends Ive realised that the child will be mine, grow with me, even though its from a donation (the most wonderful gift).

I have decided to go abroad for egg donation as the waiting list are shorter, they have better success rates and its cheaper. Im not sure of your financial situation and whether you can consdier this, but if you need any help or advice on this have a look on the tx abroad or egg donation site and please feel free to contact me anytime. 

Im quite new to all this too but after much reading and help from this site you soon learn, 

Finally I really hope your dream comes true as you really deserve it, 

Love and hugs

Lesley


----------



## bcgirl (Dec 4, 2005)

Hello again
What a fantastic bunch of people you are   

I really really appreciate the time you have taken to reply to me. I have had a good cry reading your posts because you are so kind, but they have made me feel so much better and given me hope that I will be able to find the strength to carry on with this journey and investigate thoroughly what options may be open to me with egg donation.

I am going to reply individually to some of you, otherwise this post would be the longest in history!

But I would like to answer a really good point that Plink made about breast cancer, just in case anyone else who has had bc is reading.

You are absolutely right to say that there are risks involved in getting pregnant after you have had a hormone-fuelled cancer. And  most women who have are on hormone therapy such as tamoxifen or Arimidex to stop oestrogen-dependent cancers returning. 

However, my cancer was both oestrogen and progesterone negative (it is less common but there are quite a lot  of us). 

One the one hand, women in my position are more likely to get a recurrence as we cant have hormone therapy, but on the plus side (for me, anyway) it does mean we can have a pregnancy without increasing our risk of it coming back.  

If I had egg dontation I know I would have to have HRT and that there is an associated risk of me then getting a totally new hormone-dependent cancer, but I am just hoping that I couldnt be so unlucky ...could I?

Once again, thanks so much for your support,
love and the very best of luck 
Cxx


----------



## choccyb (Dec 9, 2005)

Hi, not sure if this will be any help to you but wanted to say something. I am going through fertility investigations at the moment as ttc for over 3 years with no success after the birth of my first daughter in 2001. I am 28 years old. Myself any my husband have made the decision that if it comes down to IVF being necessary, we will join the egg share scheme which means that we would have my eggs collected and half of them would be donated to a couple needing donor eggs. The benefit for us would be free or nearly free treatment which finanicially would be a big plus as I cant bear the thought of joining the nhs waiting list which is 3 to 5 years in our area. But, the major benefit is that I would love the chance to do something totally unselfish for another woman, knowing how it feels myself to want a baby so desparately. Being able to have a part in a woman getting what she so deparately wants surely must be so rewarding no matter what you have to go through to donate the eggs. The thought of not experiencing having my first daughter is awful and for any women facing not having children of their own saddens me greatly.


----------

