# Coparenting



## Staffielover (May 9, 2012)

I've pretty much decided to go with a co-parent rather than a donor.  I've spoken to a few possibles, one is giving me a good gut feeling although it's fairly early days.  It's always been at the back of my mind, and possibly it shouldn't but it's the world we live in; how do I bring up that I want to make sure he's not a paedophile? 

We all know they are very good at gaining trust and I would just want to make sure that I'm not handing my child over to a pervert. Has anyone else come across this??  What are your thoughts?

Many thanks,
Mel.


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

I must admit I would be very very wary of going the co-parenting route unless it was with a trusted friend Id known a long time. One of the positives of going down the donor route for me is that I never need to entrust my precious children to anyone else and no one else has a legal or other hold over them. In sure co parenting can work very well but it would feel too risky for me for a number of reasons including the one you mention. Do you know this potential co parent well already?

Love and hugs Felix xx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

co parenting is something i considered in the beginning but now i'm glad i didn't. there's some discussion about it on this thread even though it's about id release vs anon donors:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=302506.0

GGxx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Not entirely sure of my facts here, but are you not able to go to the police now and say you are looking at having a relationship with this person (no need to go into all the details but mention that you are looking at having children together), but want to check first whether he has a police record?  Has this not come into force over the past year or so?  Hope someone has a better understanding of this than I've managed to articulate and can give the salient details, but I'm sure some legislation has come into effect recently.  Of course, many pedophiles don't have police records - and such an individual is unlikely to disclose his leanings in any case.   


A-Mx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

if he's serious about co-parenting presumably he wouldn't have any objection to you asking him to get a CRB check done? I have no idea if you can do this on individuals like this but I guess it would be possible? worth looking into at least?
also perhaps PM Broodychick as she is currently pregnant with a co-parent 
best of luck
Suitcase
x


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Mel, you might want to take a look at this link:

http://www.humberside.police.uk/advice-and-information/child-sex-offenders-disclosure-scheme-sarahs-law

It just explains a bit more about Sarah's Law. I suspect there are other websites which may be more useful if you google Sarah's Law.

Good luck

Martha x

/links


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Sweetie, it will be 2 years, maybe more (ttc, pregnancy, breast feeding..) until you hand your child over for sole care, surely?
No pervert would wait this long, to abuse his own bio child!? There must be easier ways to get their kicks.
Also you'd know him a lot longer by then, and hopefully his friends and family too. All relationships are based on trust. Perhaps you can ask him to get a CRB check for your peace of mind, he should understand that.
If you go through a clinic, you'll both get counselling, which is a further opportunity to ask him more about himself, his motives and his plans for all of your future.
Have you asked him if he has any experience with small children, or if he could do a course or something to prepare? xx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

sadly, i think a pervert would wait as long as it takes....    remember some women are married for years to men before they discover they are abusers and that abuse doesn't always start in the first couple of years. 

GGx


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## Staffielover (May 9, 2012)

Thanks everyone, I will have a look at Sarah's Law.  
I hate that I have to even think about it and even asking you guys makes it sound as if I suspect him, which isn't the case. From our contact so far I have absolutely no reason to doubt him. He's clearly thought about things, what he wants, what is right for the child etc.  He's also very aware of my feelings about things and wants to be fully involved, name on birth certificate, wants to properly bond with the child, support financially, spend time together as a family unit and seems a really nice bloke.


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

I agree about someone waiting, I certainly wouldn't be using that as a reason to trust someone! I'm fairly sure that inde is right and that you can now get info on men in an attempt to stop stalking. Yu can get a crb, it's fairly expensive I think but an option. 


I also thought about co parenting and decided against for many reasons, not just this one, and there hasn't been a single moment that I've regretted that I didn't. I think that it isn't something to go into lightly and think that it's really good staffie that you're thinking of things like this seriously. Good luck.


Bingbong x


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

If you've read the thread that GG linked to earlier then you'll have seen many of my thoughts on the whole co-parent issue. And until you mentioned it I hadn't even thought of the whole pervert angle at all!

Can I ask why you've decided to switch from using a donor to going down the co-parent route?


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## askingquestions (Feb 16, 2013)

I know two women who are currently co-parenting - both with gay men.  One conceived with a friend she has known for many years, the other through a friend of a friend (which is a kind of vetting).  Both have worked out very well.

I think that the pedophile fear is actually short hand for all sorts of other fears about the unknown. The problem with the co-parent route and name on birth certificate with someone you hardly know is that you are  choosing to be shackled to them to life.  They might not be a child abuser - but they might be someone who can't maintain relationships over the long term, who will not pay you money but will still have access rights, who will have another relationship soon which will necessitate you sharing your child with a third person...  Surely we've all had relationships that have started out in promise - or in love - and have ended in disarray, sometimes in less than a year.  So my fear would be embarking into this kind of relationship with someone you hardly know.

Known donor might be better - legally you the parent but then you are the only one with parental responsiblity- the man can be a co-parent as long as he does well by your child (though I guess this new challenge to the law might change that and he could argue for access anyway). Still, it is more security than you would otherwise have.  Handing over parental responsiblity seems a very big thing to do with a stranger.  My fear here is not for your own peace of mind (which obviously matters) but for your child: they could be tied to someone who is not, ultimately, good for them.

I'd want a CRB check, to meet his family, to meet his exes, all sorts. I'd want to know about his income and his lifestyle.  Not for my sake, but to know that he would be someone who would enhance my child's life (and I say this from watching my single friends who have had children with rubbish exes... and still struggle to disengage).


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

CRB check? i'd be hiring a private detective... 

hardly something you want to take chances with.


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

i hadn't really thought of the pervert angle before either    but now i am a parent it even makes me wonder about some male friends (i know women can be paedophiles too but it's less likely) that i have known for some years. i don't think any of them are but you know how it is when your mind sometimes goes into overdrive. 

and being rather bleak about it now we're all on the subject, but what better way to gain access to a child if you're unable to form a genuine relationship where you might be able to have them. not saying this is probable about anyone's co-parents on here but in the beginning i did consider the possibility of using a co-parenting website, seeing it as the solution to many issues, money, help, support, a break etc but thinking about it now that sort of site could attract all sorts...   

i also agree with you asking, that many many relationships end up in dreadful acrimony when they started off totally loving, so the fall out from a relationship like this that goes wrong could be really messy. 

GGx


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## ElsieMay (Mar 17, 2007)

I think it is probably worth remembering relationships and circumstances will change over the next 18 years.  Finances may change for the worse, he may meet somebody else and money and support will be diverted.  Worse case scenario your child may want to live with their Dad and they could move to a different area - all risks worth considering.


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Mel, good luck with your discussions with this guy.  Not sure you were seeking to have your mind changed wrt donor vs co-parent in your initial or subsequent posts?  

Sarah's Law was what I was thinking of - thanks Martha.     

Personally I never considered co-parenting, but in the past few years I've met a man who is quite keen to co-parent and who I think would be a terrific father to some lucky child(ten).  He just happens to be a gay man in a CP, and his partner, although never wanting to be a parent himself, is supportive of my friend.  Hopefully, you have found someone of equal quality.    

A-Mx


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

See Inde I can totally see why your friend would be looking to co-parent but I was thinking earlier about why straight men are drawn to co-parenting. I just don't get it. Surely if they want to be a parent they would rather have the whole thing - relationship and child? It's not like they are in the same boat women are (with ticking body clocks and potential fertility issues). Why would they not just wait to find a partner?


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

They are single for the same reason we are.
Tried, tried and tried and were disappointed. The dream of a bio child hasn't died and they don't want to be an old dad. They have an urge to procreate, their family wants them to have kids and they want to be involved in the child's life who they helped create. Simples.


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Broody out of interest whose surname will your child have?

Bingbong x


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Ahhh, Caramac, I'm sure you've had exactly the same question....why did a wonderful, good looking woman with good financial prospects like you decide to have a baby on your own?  And now the killer questions:  Are you a lesbian?  Is there something wrong with you?  Didn't you meet anyone?  Didn't you give men a chance? Ya da ya da ya da.  Now take the question mark away from all that and make them statements....exactly the same thing happens to straight men - except they are additionally thought to be potential pedophiles.  


As well as the friend I mentioned above, I have another single male friend - he's internet dating at the moment - has given up on the idea of having his own kids because he prefers women his own age or older (I know - shocking!) but would quite like to be a father figure to one or two kids if that was on offer alongside his potential partner.  Now, since I don't see what he views online or in the privacy of his own home, I can't be 100% certain that he doesn't have pedophile tendencies...just as I can't be certain with any man.  However, I can exercise some judgement and sit on my more exaggerated neurotic tendencies (and trust me, I have them in spades   ) to assume that he is one of the majority of men who will not hurt my - or anyone else's - children.  I have to believe this as I am bringing up a son who will in time become a man himself....


A-Mx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

yes, I often think it must be even harder to be a single straight man wanting a family - at least we single women can go out and get ourselves donor sperm, they don't have the option which must be really tough
totally understand all the concerns around co-parenting and how to establish trust - it just felt far too complicated for me that's for sure. but on the other hand, I suspect for some it's the perfect solution
best of luck with it all staffielover   
Suitcase
x


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

indekiwi said:


> Ahhh, Caramac, I'm sure you've had exactly the same question....why did a wonderful, good looking woman with good financial prospects like you decide to have a baby on your own? And now the killer questions: Are you a lesbian? Is there something wrong with you? Didn't you meet anyone? Didn't you give men a chance? Ya da ya da ya da. Now take the question mark away from all that and make them statements....exactly the same thing happens to straight men - except they are additionally thought to be potential pedophiles


Ooops, forgot to add my bit! The thing is though Inde that if I were physically able to have children at any age (without the risk of additional fertility issues that age brings on) I probably would have waited another 10-20 years and kept on looking to see if I could do it the "traditional" way. But it was reading the stories of people on here and learning about the potential imminent decline in my own fertility that spurred me to take action when I did - coupled with the fact that I had been single for 6 or 7 years by that point and couldn't see why that would suddenly change for me.

As a bloke, surely you don't have this same "time" issue though, so I guess what I find surprising is that there is a large number of straight men that are happy to pursue the co-parent route, rather than continue looking for the more traditional set up. Just my personal thoughts and I agree with Suity that it must be incredibly hard for single men who want to become fathers because they don't have many options available to them really do they? Maybe this is their only option for those men. I don't know just musing I guess.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Bingbong

the surname question was one of the questions I wanted his input on before we started (some men have strong views and he previously mentioned his dad would like his surname carried on), but he isn't fussed either way.
If we have a boy I would give it as a second middle name, and mine as the main surname. I don't ever wish to change my name anyway, whether I marry or not, and I don't see that my child, who lives with me, would have a different surname from mine - that would just be weird.

I picked a co-parent who I can trust and who is letting me take the lead in many things, trusting my judgement in return - he has been with me through many issues, and provided reliable support when I needed to take my ex to court, for example - but I also asked him the question about why he wasn't waiting for a 'conventional' relationship to unfold before pro-creating.

He told me he doesn't have many opportunities to meet women. He's not considered such a hot prospect by many ladies I believe, because of his financial situation, and despite being honest and caring, he's not someone who would meet people in bars or can give them all the chat.
I, on the other hand, work in an industry populated by women and gay guys, so there's my opportunities restricted too (50% or something of married ppl met through work...).

My co-parent has donated before, where he has no parental responsibility, but it's his attitude towards this LO who he is in contact with via email and whenever his mum visits, that also convinced me he'd be a good dad. His heart is in the right place and he has proven fertility.
Although he isn't liable for any support to this LO, he buys them presents sometimes and has a real willingness to be involved as far as this is available to him. He'd like to be more hands-on with another child, who is being brought up closer to where he lives.
He's just a person with flaws and good points, like everyone else. I met two members of his family before we started trying (we said we were friends who met online dating), including his mum, and they are lovely, stable people who made me feel very comfortable around them.

Of course, there are a million things to worry about, but I found the advantages in co-parenting outweighed the disadvantages with waiting around for 'Mr Right' or going with a sperm bank. xx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Broody, just read your signature.  I'm so very sorry.      


A-Mx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

So sorry Broody,    

GGx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Thanks Inde and GG.
Nothing to be done x


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## Staffielover (May 9, 2012)

caramac said:


> If you've read the thread that GG linked to earlier then you'll have seen many of my thoughts on the whole co-parent issue. And until you mentioned it I hadn't even thought of the whole pervert angle at all!
> 
> Can I ask why you've decided to switch from using a donor to going down the co-parent route?


Mainly for the support and positive male role model. I don't actually know that many blokes so he/she wouldn't really have one otherwise. Someone to be there with you to fight for them, to answer you when you say 'what shall I do?' and will be answering after thinking about it from the same perspective as you, as that child's parent........


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## Staffielover (May 9, 2012)

So sorry for your loss Broody. :-(  xx


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## askingquestions (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm so sorry Broody. 
x


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Broody


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts/ experiences Broody and Staffielover. And Broody, I'm so sorry to hear your news


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

broody - so sorry to see your sad news, hope you are being looked after   
Suitcase
x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

Broody big    
xx


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Broody


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Broody so sorry for your loss- hope you're getting support xxxx


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Broody so sorry. Love and hugs F xx


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## Amaretti (Apr 27, 2013)

Hello,
I'm investigating the possibility of coparenting. Does anyone have any experience of this? I have registered on a few websites to meet potential male coparents. I've started chatting to a few possibilities but haven't met them in person yet. Bit unsure about how to go about the next stage ie what questions to ask, how long to get to know people before making a decision. 

Many thanks


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi there - i am planning on getting pregnant with a co-parent i met on a website about 6 months ago. So far we have met up 4 times and keep in regular contact between meetings. We have made loose arrangements on how things will work if we do have a baby together but the nitty gritty still needs to be discussed. We are planning on doing things artifically ie - the turkey baster way and he will have a STI beforehand. I met a another guy from the same website before the current one but he only wanted minimal contact with the baby and didn't want to contribute financially which i didn't like the sound off. Different men want different things so you have to plough through them to find one that suits you.

Can i ask why you opted for co-parenting over the other options like IUI/IVF? For me i wanted the child to know their father, plus i could really do with the financial and practical support!


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## Amaretti (Apr 27, 2013)

Hello Heidi, thanks for the reply. My boyfriend of  6 years doesn't want children but is supportive of me coparenting with someone else. If I am successful he will move out of our house and live close by so we will still maintain our relationship. My reason for choosing coparenting rather than a sperm donor is that I want any child to be able to identify who their father is and have some sort of relationship with them.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Yes those are my main reasons too. I found my co-patent on co-parents.net. It's a great web site.
Another good one is coparentmatch.com
How old are you? Hope you don't mind me asking!

/links


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## Amaretti (Apr 27, 2013)

I'm 31 years old. I don't want to rush into anything so I'm planning to spend at least 6 months exploring options, getting to know people etc. I've looked at some of the other posts on this thread and it's certainly given me a lot to think about. I have quite a long list of criteria for a coparent so it might take some time. It does amaze me how some people on coparent websites put very little information about themselves on their profile. As if their hair and eye colour is all you are going to be interested in! However I am clear that if I don't find someone that I am completely happy with then I won't go ahead with it and I'll consider other options.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Best of luck in your search! Find out as much as u can, meet their friends and family as u become friends and see how he'd integrate into your social circle. X


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

I agree with Broodychick - spend at least a good 6 months getting to know him!

Good luck x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Ladies have you read back through Zoopy's threads as she explored co-parenting/contracts etc http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=123942.msg1798712#msg1798712


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## Amaretti (Apr 27, 2013)

That thread looks really helpful, the list of questions is just what I had been looking for   thank you


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