# Time to move on



## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

Hi all dont really know were to post as i cant see an ongoing thread.  

I have been through 3 fresh icsi cycles and 4 FET cycles which have ended in three BFP but also 3 M/C.  I have severe endometriosis and also have PCOS which seem to be stopping me from getting pregnant and keeping them.  Have advised by my gyne that i need a full hysterectomy when i decide that my family is complete as my endo is very aggressive and spreads outside my pelvic area.  So my DH and myself have decided that enough is enough and that it is time to admit that i am not going to be a mum.  This is very hard but emotionally as well as physically and financially we can not continue.  We had said at the beginning that we would only do 3 fresh cycles so the decision has not been made lightly.  I have not made my appointment to see my gyne yet i will do that when i come back from holiday and it is all still very raw at the moment.

Thank you all for listening and hoping to get to know you all very soon

Susan


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

hi gbnut

I think you have tried and that is the best you could do considering your endo, you don't want to make yourself so sick you have to deal with your own health issues as well.  I think making the decision could turn your lives around into different directions which I am sure will be enriching and enhancing.  xx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Susan, 

First off, I'm really glad you posted - I know it takes a lot of courage, as it can feel as if you are 'admitting' for the first time perhaps, that maybe it isn't going to happen for you.

Second, please be easy on yourself. You have been through a tremendous amount, and everyone who uses this thread regularly would urge you to handly yourself gently for a while. When you have spent so long trying so hard, it is all to easy to slip into punishing yourself for 'failure'; however, in reality, you are a success for having done so much to try and have a child. 

Third, don't censor yourself. Let the anger, the ranting and the tears come out; cooped up inside of you they will do more harm, and although this may seem horribly unlikely to you now, I guarantee that it will ease, in time. I just know that for me, I seem to have regained some equilibrium faster than I might have predicted because I allowed myself my feelings...(Something the British are, frankly, hopeless at...!)

Finally, and this seems so simple as to be ineffective, keep posting here. The lifeline of being in touch with women who truly get how you feel can make all the difference in the dark moments...

Lots of love to you, 

MM xxx


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## Guest (Jul 30, 2007)

Dear Susan,

I am so sorry to hear of everything you have been through. You have had a very traumatic journey and I completely understand that your decision has not been an easy one to make.  

The ladies here on this board will offer you an enormous amount of support in your new journey from here. You are in very good hands  

Be kind to yourself and I wish you all the very best.

With Love Jodie xx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hello Susan!!

Sorry to hear this hun, but we also have had to make the decision recently so i know how hard it is to come to terms with it all.

My wife had a hysterectomy in April, hopefully very soon this will open other doors for us both as we are looking at Adoption.

With Endometriosis i know how terrible this condition can be and to fair i never seen someone suffer so much as my wife, my heart goes out to you and your DH as you both have to be strong to get through all this.
It is good that you both decided that enough is enough, as we both had to do the same.

If you ever want to send me a PM, you are more than wellcome

Regards, take care

Jon xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Susan

I just wanted to add a quick line of support and welcome. You've been through an extraordinary amount in just two years, as MM says, go easy on yourselves, it's going to take time. I hope you and your dh find some peace during your holiday and there's always somebody lurking here when you need help.

flipper


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Susan,
I am so sorry for all your losses and the terrible time you've had - but I'm glad you have found this board. The ladies here are very supportive. You will find people at all different stages of this journey (which, let's face it, we never thought we would have to take). Some are far down the road and can offer hope that yes there is a life without children and a very full and meaningful one. Others (like me) are in a similar place to you. I am trying to re-focus my life, but it is so hard. I don't know how I'm going to cope myself (and some days I don't - as you can see from my posts!) - but I can offer sympathy and understanding. I know the awful cycle of hope-dismay-hope-dismay that goes on when you go through IVF. My last loss happened after FET had worked but we found no heartbeat at 8 weeks. I was a nervous wreck the whole way through - and in some ways I'm glad that I won't be putting myself through that again. It is was sensible that you gave yourself a limit at the start. It is easy to hooked up into the endless treatments, which are damaging emotionally as well as taking a toll on our bodies. The others are right - you must be easy on yourself, take time to grieve. We are here when you need us.
Bernie xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dear Susan

You are very welcome here, I am very sorry that it is through such tragic events that you have found us though. You have certainly seen a lot of heartache in such a relatively small time frame, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. IVF/ICSI is a minefield of its own without having to deal with pregnancy loss on top too. Now it seems you are also having to face major surgery - my heart goes out to you hon, its so much to have to come to terms with on so many levels.

We made the decision to not go ahead with any more treatment 2 years ago. I can't believe its been 2 years - a lot has happened in that time, some of it difficult, some of it not so good but there are smatterings of happiness in there which we both appreciate very, very much. Often its hard to see that life can be good eventually from a different perspective, it just takes time and as MM wisely said, being honest with yourself and allowing yourself those outpourings of grief really do help you get to a better place in the long run, there are no time limits on grieving - grief takes however long it has to take hon.

I'm glad to hear you are going away on holiday - it will do you the world of good to be removed from your usual surroundings, and will hopefully give you both time to recharge your batteries a little bit. Please let us know how you are getting on - being in the position of not proceeding with further treatment can be very isolating. Know that you are amongst like minded people here who understand where you are coming from.

Keep in touch and above all be gentle with yourselves.

Love & a very gentle  

Emcee xxx


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

hank you all for your lovely messages.  i do feel alone and find it hard to talk about how i am feeling.  I know i am in denial at the moment as i think if i dont think about it it is not happening.  I think if i do think about it i will break down and not sure if i would be able to cope with that.  I had a break down a few years back and it took me a long time to come back from that and get the grips with life again.  Although i have some great friends they do not know what i am going through they are supportive but they are not able to relate to me.  James my DH is a bit like me it is not happening.  i asked him the other day if he was sure about the OP as when i have that there is no turning back and he said he would love to have children but he knows it is not possible.  This just made me feel really worse as i cant give him the simple thing of having a baby it comes so easy for most people especially 16 year olds in Essex!!!( although impossible for most of us).  He said that we should go ahead as it would give us a better quality of life.  The other boundary to come across is that he does not want to adopt because of all the red tape and how intrusive they are to us an dour family and friends.  i find this hard that i will not have any type of child in my life.  i am hoping with time that i will be able to change his mind. He is great with kids and i really dont want him to miss out.  We have so much to give.

Thank you for listening

Susan x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Sweetie

Men look at things in a different way to us. Give your DH time re. the adoption front - it is very early days for him yet and you both sound so stunned with the latest turn of events - no wonder really considering all you have been through. You both need time to lick your wounds before you can move on to thinking about any other stage yet - you have both been through such a lot together. 

Please don't beat yourself up about the situation you find yourself in (easier said than done I know). Often we define who we are as people based on our ability to have kids - well I'm telling you hon after being on the rollercoaster for way too long there is more to all of us than this but it sure hurts like hell at the time when it hits us round the chops that there is little if any hope. Your DH is with you because he loves you, no matter what. And you deserve to be happy and have a good life, no matter what - I know this must seem hard to believe right now, but its true.

As for your friends - its been said many times on here how our friends have not been there for us in the way we would have wanted when we go through the heartache and rollercoaster of infertility. The sad truth is many of them simply don't recognise how devastating all of this is to live through, they are way off our radars in matters like this hon. Thats why support networks like this are invaluable! Its not that your friends don't want or know how to help and support you, they just don't 'get it'. Its at times like this we all discover who are true friends really are...

We're here for you hon - as my dear friend Astrid used to say to those of us on here - keep in there.

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


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## carol d (May 1, 2007)

Hi Susan 

Just wanted to say I do know what it's like also - I went through FET the same time as you and it also was my final chance. I struggle most days to even want to get up let alone work but I make myself do it because I have a fantastic DH who hates to see me upset 
Life has to get better but it's gonna take a hell of alot of time before I'll get there.

Work isn't helping as I have a single mother of 26yrs old who still lives with her parents 
Had an abortion last year (astonished she was pg ) finished with the fella and on Monday I was told (after everyone else knew) that she's pg again (by another fella) She's not sure whether to keep or get rid  What a PANTS society we live in 

Just keep your chin up and laugh it does help   

If ever you want to RANT SCREAM or just generally say life is s**t then get in touch.
I think you live in Essex so not far from me.

Love carol xx


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

Just an update on me

I go into hospital next Tue for my ovaries to be removed.  They will not know until the day if he is going to do a total hysterectomy or just my ovaries.  He thinks he might be able to leave my uterus and he he does that will leave the possibility in the future to use donor eggs.  At the moment i want to be pain free and not convinced just removing the ovaries will do this.  

Until now i have not really been thinking about it and having the attitude that if i dont think about it it will not happen, but now that i am thinking about it it has brought all the raw feelings back that i am not going to be a mum.  That is really hard to accept, i feel a failure as a person ( i know i am not) but it is hard.  i also feel really bad for my dh as he would make a wonderful dad.  He does not want to adopt although says that he might foster.

I just want next tue to be over with and then i can start to build my life again

Thank you for listening

Susan x


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Susn i will thinking of you both.

You're not a failure by any means, we have accepted that it just the path we have been sent down.
It is good that you are looking at the Fostering route though and keeping your options open.

It all became final for us in April this year, but we have accepted it all now and are now looking forward to the future although we too can not have our own children. 
We have had a holiday recently and have decided to go on another holiday this week which we really cant wait for.

Sounds like you have an understanding partner which is good, just look after one another

Regards Jon x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Susan sweetheart

I am sorry that you are facing this surgery and the uncertainty of what proceedure they may or may not do - surgery is something we do not like to endure at the best of times, whether we're in pain or not. I just want to wish you the very best with it all and hope you make a speedy recovery, as Mr Cheese says it sounds as if you have a lovely hubby there by your side.

Myself and Mr Emcee cannot have our own children either, and although it has been so hard on us in the past and we have the occasional 'ouch' moment we have managed to create a good life for ourselves despite the heartache... it is possible for all of us out there to be happy even if the future is not the way we had hoped and dreamed.

When we realise the future could potentially definitely be without kids I believe we suffer lots of hurts, and all of these together can feel insurmountable. Take things one step at a time hon, we are here to offer you our support whilst you ride the waves - lean on us if you need to.

Sending both you and your DH my love and keeping you in my thoughts, and wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery. Be gentle with yourselves.

Emcee xxx


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## Grumpygirl (Oct 24, 2004)

Susan,
Your post echoed a lot with me and I wanted to send you a massive hug   and lots of luck for your op next week.   

I think I'm reaching the end of what I can put up with tx wise too. I haven't even said it at clearly as that to DH yet, I just need it to sink in. I had early stage ovarian cancer in 2003, a laparotomy that included removal of ovaries, tubes and a little bit of the omentum, plus some poking around to check the cancer hadn't spread. Then chemo for 6 cycles 3 weeks apart. The surgeon managed to save my uterus as it was unaffected so that we could try egg donation 2 years after my op, to allow time for recurrence as it's most likely in the first 2 years. Anyway, we've now had 4 donor egg cycles, each with 3 embryos, with a variety of different drugs and all going to Greece as the waiting lists here are SO long. The ladies on the abroadies thread have kept me sane but I'm at the point now where every time I go to the hospital or Doc's I find out another immune issue that may be stopping pg and I've been recommended to have IVIg (which I'm terrified of). So, we can try again or stop. I wonder if the time you know you have to move on is when it scares you more to carry on than stop?

I think you should discuss carefully with your DH the option of keeping your uterus as it seems like a good option but brings its own issues. First, you may still be in pain with your endo and need another op in the future. Second, you would almost certainly need to travel abroad for tx as the waiting lists here are horrendous. This can be cheaper than the UK and the clinics are usually excellent but you're into a whole new raft of decision making there in terms of which clinic, which country etc. There is loads of help over on the tx abroad thread though. If you get pg through DEIVF maybe your endo will improve though? I'm presuming of course that you have the choice of keeping the uterus or not, maybe it's up to the surgeon on the day like it was with me?

I guess you must be feeling like I was in the run up to the op- scared, sad and overwhelmed as you need to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. It's soooo hard, hun, my heart goes out to you. 

I have a few tips for after the op though (I was told I had the same recovery as after a full hysterectomy).  Buy trackies a full size bigger or even more than usual around the waistband as you won't want anything touching your tummy, also big pants. I know they're completely unsexy but anything else will rub for a while. Jeans were a distant memory for several weeks. It took 6 weeks before I was able to drive and I was very restricted with laughter for quite a while- DH called me 'day release girl' as I laughed in the top of my chest cos it hurt to laugh in the tummy. They do like you to get up and move very soon after the op though, I was surprised but was expected to walk along the corridor at the hospital just the day after my op. It aids recovery and stops blood clots apparently. You will be fine though, and I expect you'll be relieved it's over afterwards. 

My DH is also less keen on adoption for exactly the same reasons as yours, the invasiveness of the process etc. I think he'd go for it but we'd also look at surrogacy. I can't imagine a life without children  though. It breaks my heart to think that DH can't have his own children cos he got lumbered with me and my health issues. I know he loves me and he has been the best and hugest support to me so it's that that keeps me even considering more IVF where I think I've had enough if it were just me to consider. We need to have a good heart to heart I think. 

Anyway, without boring you too much about my story, I just wanted to say I feel like we're in the same boat somehow and I hope your op goes really well. 

Lots of love
Giggly
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Giggly, just wanted to send you a massive   and thank you for sharing your story with us here. You've been through so much... I don't understand the reasons why people have to go through so much heartache... but each time I come to this place I see that no matter how much people have suffered or are suffering, by sharing their stories they are helping others - and in doing that I hope that they have found some release themselves...

Thank you once again
Love
Emcee x


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and yes i am very scared about what is going to happen and just want it over with.  I still do not really think abot it but when i do it is more when i am on my own and i can shred a few tears.  Unfortunately it is mostly when in car driving to and from work, so i must look a sight when i get to my patients in the morning   

Jon how are you getting on with the adoption route

Emcee Are you adopting or fostering? 

Giggly thank you for the tips, you sound really strong with the battle that you have had to go through. IVF certainly is a battle and both Jmaes and I know it is time to give up and i can not take being pumped with all the drugs.  With us because i have immune problems i was on IVIG, steroids, clexane and humeria.  The humeria was the worst and very expensive i had to have an injection every two weeks that hurt i used to really dread it and i had 8 of these and they cost £350 an injection.  I rally hope things work out for you both.

Susan x


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## Grumpygirl (Oct 24, 2004)

Susan,
I'm so sorry for all you've had to go through, but if there are any practical issues you want to discuss after your op please drop me a line, anytime. I know you'll be nervous but it'll be over this time next week and you'll be home again before you know it. I'm sure you feel very sad but maybe you'll be relieved too once it's over.   

I also have immune issues and the next step is IVIG as I said. My DH seems to think it may be the miracle cure and it is for lots of people, but seeing stories like yours who've been brave enough to go for it, and the Humira, and still have it fail after many attempts makes me think I really am makiing the right decision. IVIg is not a guarantee, is it? Plus, I have had the cancer and my consultant told me categorically not to have it as I shouldn't be the one making medical breakthroughs with my medical history.

Best of luck with your op and the next step, whatever that may be.

Love
Giggly
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Susan



> Emcee Are you adopting or fostering?


No, we aren't considering adoption or fostering - DH has a 17 yr old DD from a previous relationship who, at this moment in time is going through a great deal, so considering adoption or fostering is a definite no-no.

Many people assume that we are cutting our noses off to spite our face not pursuing alternative routes but the one thing people forget is - we cannot turn our backs on DH's DD - and doing fostering or adoption is not about fulfilling our needs, its about those of a prospective child... and we have DH's DD's needs to consider in all of this as well! Things were different when we were doing tx a couple of years ago as she was still living at home and more settled. Unfortunately thats not the case right at this moment in time!

To be honest though, even if DH didn't have his DD I honestly don't know if we would consider adoption or fostering 

Best of luck for your op Susan, I am away from this afternoon but my thoughts are with you.

Love & best wishes
Emcee xxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hi Susan

Sorry i haven't replied earlier, just got back off my Hols,

Looks like it will be all systems go for us in January next year, as Mrs Cheese's health has improved vastly of the last 6 weeks or so.

Keep going lady, you are doing well and you know we are all here for you

Take care Jon x


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## gbnut (Aug 4, 2006)

Hi all 

Just a very quick one from me i will write when i am more up to it but just to let you all know that i had to have a full hysterectomy.  he started with a lap but said there was no way that he could get all the endo without removing the uterus.  Got out today from hospital but very sore, it will take some time to heal.

Thank you all for your support i will be back in a few days

Susan x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bless you Susan

Get well wishes winging their way from me to you... you've been through a big operation and I sincerely hope you have some time to rest and relax and be gentle to yourself.

Hope you are recovered soon hon. My thoughts are with you.

Much love
Emcee xxx


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