# Was i always so selfish?



## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

Pity party....

My other halfs sister is a week away from her due date, not that you'd know in our house because it's a banned subject.
We have tried for five years and are just about to have our first IVF (great timing!), she 'tried' for one month and it worked.  I feel almost like I hate her and I'm being so spiteful that I hardly recognise myself anymore.

The worst thing is I think my OH is looking forward to this baby coming and he's having to pretend it's not happening.  She's his only sibling and this huge amazing thing is happening in her life but he's not even allowed to mention it around me.  I only learned of her due date and the fact that she's having a boy from ********/babybook.

I know most people on here will understand but how can I tell anyone else that I hate her, I hate him for being pleased about her being pregnant and most of all I hate myself for being such a b**ch and I really really hate my stupid body for not working properly.

I just don't know what I'm going to do when the baby is born, I just want to run away and hide.

Healthy lifestyle is out the window tonight, Blossom Hill and Cadburys are my friends.

Sorry for the huge moan, just nice to get it off my chest.


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## olivepuppy (Jun 22, 2012)

Have a big hug from me   I know how you feel, my sister is pregnant with her second, she did take a while the first time but got pregnant first month the 2nd. She is due in August and we are due to start ivf this cycle so I will be in my 2 ww when she is due. I'm really struggling to be happy for her, and I'm so angry at how unfair it feels. I have no idea what I'm going to do when the baby arrives, if we have a bfn I'm not sure how I will cope :-(
Try not to be too hard in yourself but also remember that men don't have the same responses to others being pregnant as we do.


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## Tone (Apr 16, 2013)

Roxysister, I can only tell u how completely normal these feelings are. Reason u don't hear about them often is cos people r ashamed to admit such strong hate. I hated a friend for months when she got pregnant and it really did me no good but I can't see how things cud have been different, it was almost like I needed to go thru those feelings. Admittedly she wax really insensitive and crass about the whole thing, gloating and posting pics of bumps etc on ** but still. My dh didn't understand my feelings and I felt really alone and just like a horrible person. Don't hate urself, you're going thru a horrid time. Try to just recognise ur feelings, don't push them away but also try not to obsess over them, they r what they r. I so wish good things for u in the future and I promise u u will be a better person for this. There is no way I'd ever gloat about my fortune or splash pics all over ** cos I know there must me so many women out there that went thru what I did. I've learnt from all this to be modest and quietly pleased without the need to tell the world. Best of luck   Xxx


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## mrsww (Sep 1, 2013)

My sister is also due when we are due to start IVF treatment. I'm really worried my AMH will have gone down by October and we will have to use donor eggs.  I also get so annoyed at friends on ******** posting all about their perfect life and children but the posts that annoy me the most are the ones that say "only a mother knows this kind of love".  It's not right at all.

It's a struggle every day not to hold onto the anger I feel, I figure it's not good for anyone so try my best to be cross, let it go and be positive.  Continuously cycling through the feelings.


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## Tone (Apr 16, 2013)

Hmmmm ** is so flippin destructive, it's full of attention seeking, self righteous, insecure people trying to make out their lives are amazing. Avoid it when ur feeling down I say.


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

Thanks for all the cyber support!  ******** is a nightmare but sometimes I like to see evidence of people having a perfect baby filled life just so I have an excuse to feel sorry for myself a little bit more.  Crazy?  Probably!
To everyone with pregnant friends/relatives, I feel for you all.  It's the definition of heartbreaking. I've had people tell me that I may not have a baby of my own but at least I'll be getting a nephew.  Fab - I've dreamed of having a nephew my whole life, I cant imagine my life without having a nephew...
Me, bitter?? ha


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Roxy

This sh*t drives you MAD. Do you want to hate your SIL? Do you WANT to hate all pregnant women? Of course you don't. It is this sh*t situation that is driving you to these dark primitive thoughts and feelings. DONT beat yourself up. These are hard feelings. We don't want to have them. But we will move on somehow. 

They way I see it, I don't BEHAVE in a way that reflects how I feel. If I feel murderous that a friend is pregnant, I don;t take it out on her. I might make some distance, but I know how I feel is "normal" for this situation and I DO NOT BEAT MYSELF UP. One day I will be free of this crapology.

Do you need a funny story to cheer u up?

3days after my Dads funeral (not the usual opening sentence for a funny story, I grant you) we had neighbours come over to look at our house, We were moving out (as renters) and they thought they might move in. We did the whole show them round, chats, coffee etc etc etc. Their little fella went off hunting / playing round the house, and came back down to the kitchen, and right in front of all of us, dropped my bloody vibrator on the floor (he had found it in my bedside table). 

F*CKING CRINGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good, you're laughing. Mission accomplished))))

R xxx


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

Haha, that did make me chuckle!!  Aah, vibrators.  I remember the days when my lady bits were there for mine and my Mr's pleasure instead of 'I've peed on a stick and it's time for you to climb on soldier, you have 3 minutes - if I fall asleep don't wake me up'


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Big   from me. I was in this situation 6 months ago my partners younger brothers gf was pregnant and my partner sees his brother at his mums at weekend at first they were quite sensitive around us but as the bump grew all's I heard was baby talk and when we went his mums one day there was baby stuff at the bottom of the stairs and a scan picture on the side. I pretended I needed the loo (my strange get away if something bothers me' I took a deep breath and went back in. When Labour kicked in we got funny comments from his mum and when baby was born my partner got this text 'don't know if your interested but baby's born' I tried to be the bigger person and got my partner to buy baby something and take it to his Mums but when he got back he'd taken it to his brothers (I didn't go) and his brothers gf asked my partner to hold baby he said he didn't want to and her comment was 'bet you'd be interested if it was a puppy'  I felt sick and angry my partner had been there but I couldn't stop him and didn't want the family to think I was been a b***h. Each time we went his mums and baby was there I didn't know where to look or what to say we basically got ignored anyway. The gf is one of the ones where attention has to be on her and baby and to top it off we got asked to new years eve party I was dreading it and all it was was baby passed around and baby this baby that so we left. now after seen a counsellor I decided to act how I want to act cus they arnt in my situation and will never understand how it feels to uve primary or secondary infertility and I'd love them to walk in our shoes for one day. It's so so hard and I really feel for you cus it's hard to pull yourself from one to another but you do what feels right to protect yourself and keep thinking you WILL be a mum one day your not alone


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

Roxysister - you are massively not on your own with how you feel and it's completely normal and OK. As everyone above had said, don't beat yourself about it. You are already fighting a battle with your body, don't fight with your mind too - save that fight for when you really need it like when you're having treatment or during the 2ww when dark thoughts try to take over. 

I live on a forces garrison and nearly every wife has either a bump or sproggling in tow. I got on really well with a girl who didn't have any children and we would meet up, get drunk and enjoy our freedom. The first week she tried for a baby with DH she got pregnant and I was gutted. I was really upset and avoided her for the whole pregnancy and five months after the baby was born. I just couldn't face her. I wasn't in the slightest bit happy for her, especially as the baby was born very shortly after our first ivf cycle failed. The only reason I see her now is because we were very lucky on our second cycle, otherwise I don't think I would see her. I'm still really jealous of her as it was so easy for her and she will NEVER know our struggle. 

Massive hugs for you xxxx you WILL be a mummy one day, however and whenever. And when you are you will be the best, strongest, most loving mummy on the planet! 

Rubster - that is HILARIOUS!!!!!! My mum found mine once when I lived at home. I hid it under my bed in a hard plastic box. One day it managed to switch itself on when I was out and the vibrations were amplified around the house! Why mum felt the need to tell me, I don't know! Lesson learnt - take the batteries out when not in use!!


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I am sorry that you are feeling this way right now. It is perfectly natural.

I was trying for bambino, when out of the blue brother and SIL announced they were pregnant after first month of not using contraception. 

Like you I really struggled. Worse still it was party season so couldn't hide my face like I so wanted. 

I was lucky that I could talk to close relatives abut how I was feeling, who reiterated that I couldn't avoid them forever. I didn't. But it was so damn hard. Especially when their lo was born after yet another bfp. Boy how I struggled to feel exhilarated for them. Took me a while to build up to visiting the newborn.

Fast forward a year from their announcement, I made my own announcement. The pain of that year stays with me, that even now I feel as though I shouldn't shout my own joy from the rooftops as you never know who else is suffering this.

I hope that all of you ladies currently suffering the same, will also find their time comes and the tables are turned for you.

Keep strong. DO what you have to do to keep sane. But remember that the more you avoid the newborn, the worse it will feel when eventually you HAVE to attend some family event. Better IMO to get the worst over on a non-specific occasion, when you can leave early/have excuse for early departure, and go and blub all night, or have a drink or go or a long drive/walk.


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## Jelliebabe (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm sorry your having a hard time right now.  But I'm afraid you'll  have to strap your big girl pants on and face up to it at some point.  You cant ignore your SIL for ever and it may hurt but once the baby is here you will love it to pieces.  I was sad before my nephew was born (nearly 4 years ago now!) but honestly he's brought so much joy, I love him to pieces, and of course I'm his favourite aunty.  The longer you put it all off, the harder it will be and the more others will notice.  You have to put on a brave front and get your Husband to back you up.  Even if its just quick visits to start with.

What helps me is repeating - I want my own pregnancy and baby - not yours.  Sometimes I still have a cry at home after a hard day but it does help.


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, it really does help to speak to someone who understands.  Even my lovely OH doesn't quite get my desperation/anger/sadness/fear and that poor man has seen all four of those many many times!
Been thinking about it a lot today (no changes there!) and I will go and visit when it's born but he can go on his own first so that I don't have to see the initial gushing and her first flush of euphoria.  I do a reasonable job at plastering a smile on but that may be a bridge too far.
Thanks again ladies xxxxxx


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Just another thing Roxy, I always find the idea of things worse than the reality. The idea of seeing a friend pregnant, meeting the LO....stomach lurching times! But then, once the first painful pangs of facing it subside slowly, things settle in a bit. And then you feel a little better. I do anyway, and I hope when you do meet the baby, the very difficult bit will ease off a bit and you'll simply get used to it. It will still be hard, some days 2 steps forward, some days 3/4 steps back! But everyday things get a little easier. 

We're all here to rant when we need to)

R xxx


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

Thanks Rubster.  I hope you're right and it's usually pregnant women themselves and brand new babies that hit me the hardest.


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## AMAM (May 8, 2013)

If feel the same as everyone else - I never used to feel like this about anything - then bam this totally different side to you takes over.

So my story (as short as poss) BIL lives with us has done for 10 years+, starts seeing this girl 6 months ago - low and behold they have just announced today she is pregnant if that was not bad enough he did not have the decency to tell my DH or me he just posts it on ** and my DH saw it this morning? WTF   how selfish is that? 

We live with the guy are financially connected to him and he does not even both to do the adult thing and let us know? He does not know anything about our situation so its nothing to do with being sensitive to us, just pure selfishness, Then to make things worse there is a scan pic on ** with a baby grow next to is saying "the best oops ever" - need I say more - anyway I feel sick, how can I be pleased for him, the family are gushing (most of them knew already just not us??) and I cant bring myself to even look at him - I hate being like this but if its the way I can cope right now - I don't care!!  

Note to self - keep away from ** today - it will only make me feel worse

Sorry for the rant ladies    xxx


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## roxysister (May 21, 2014)

Crikey Amam that's awful.  ******** is the devil.
How is it so easy for everyone else, how can you get a baby from an oops?! Imagine that!  You wont be able to be happy for them and if that's how you feel that's how you feel.  We can pretend but that's it.
Hugs x


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