# HELP! dc son (1.5yrs) how to start the process of telling



## TiggerBounces (Sep 6, 2014)

Hi, I am so slow on this one but the time passes so fast with a little one! We also have a 6 year old (not dc) and I realise that I need to get going on talking about how our dc son arrived.  How and where do I start, I looked at the DC Network library of books but no idea which ones to get. Can anyone recommend any?  And how did you start the process? And did you tell school, how does it come up in conversation with your friends?  I don't have family and my partners are distant and live in a different country so it hasn't come up with them either. Tbh Im 48 so I don't know why no-one has ever asked me! Maybe they think miracles happen.  We haven't lived here very long so I felt strange bringing it up when I was only just pregnant, when we moved, and now time has moved on it feels harder because i didnt, if that makes sense!  I never hear anyone talking about donor conceived children where we live so feeling a bit lost with this. DCN don't have any local groups as far as I can see either. HELP!


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## Blueestone (Feb 28, 2015)

I’m in a similar boat - not sure how when or if to broach it yet... 
I want it to be their decision to share with the wider world but i know I need to tell her at some point!


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## Godiva (Nov 19, 2015)

Who are you wanting to tell? I do not think neighbours or colleagues will be wanting to ask "how did you get pregnant at your age?" It would be considered rude by some. Why do you want to tell them? (Although I suppose that is probably not my business, so do not feel obliged to answer).
My husband has mentioned it to some people who commented on a likeness between him and our DD. Often they thought he was joking. I do get bluestones point too, that you might leave it to the child to tell. On the other hand I have 2 kids now, so one might want to talk about it and the other not... . I generally do not make a big secret of it, but do not tell everybody: I told some friends when going through treatment because I needed to talk, and I might mention it if the topics of infertility or donor conception comes up. I do not feel the need to introduce myself: "hi, I'm a mum of dc children" to everyone I meet.

Is it your 6 yo you want to tell? I would bring it up when the subject "where do babies come from" is raised (or "how families form"). Talk about egg, sperm etc and just add that sometimes they can be missing/broken, and you could get them from someone else.
We have an almost 3 yo and a 1 month old, both via sperm donation. The eldest obviously knows babies come from Mummy's tummy, but the process of how they go in (or come out) is too complicated. We have tried to talk about it with some books, but I do not think things stuck (admittedly we could try again, as it was a few months ago). Only last week she observed me changing a nappy and asked if that was baby's navel, pointing at his penis (probably thinking it was still his umbilical cord). I tried (re-)explaining about boys and girls, but I am not sure how much she understands.
In the beginning I felt we needed to talk about it from very early on, now I feel there is not that much point in forcing things, and just raise the subject when the child begins to ask about "baby making". If the topic comes up at school before the child asks themself, I would just add on to the story at home about alternative ways of conceiving. 

Of course, this is just how I feel about this at this point in time (with kids these ages).


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## northernmonkey (Sep 25, 2008)

I have 3 donor conceived children (donor sperm) and have read My Story from the DCN (although that’s specifically for ds children) since my eldest was a baby. We read to her anyway from day 1 so just mixed it in with the other books. It wasn’t until she was aged around 8/9 that  she started to really understand what it meant then started asking questions, but they were very gradual. 


We don’t discuss it with anyone else mainly because as far as we’re concerned it’s nobody else’s business - our parents and siblings knew we used a donor at the time though. Saying that, DD knows she can talk about it to friends if she wants to. She’s really private though so I can’t imagine her discussing it other than with us.


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## TiggerBounces (Sep 6, 2014)

I mean just generally talk about it, mostly with our sons, one not DC the other is, the first one is 6 now and Im feeling I should have started to talk about it all sooner. His brother is 18 months already. Was looking for general tips and guidance on which books are good, best way to talk about it. Am joining DC network, maybe people there will have good advice. Surprised not many have replied to this. Thanks.


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## kittykat76 (Jan 17, 2016)

Amazon have lots of books, I have bought a few for when my boy is older, I intend to just leave them in the book pile and read as and when he picks them up but its also useful to have for when he asks questions- my friends son asked why mine doesn't have a daddy and my friend just explained that all families are different etc it was useful to see how a 6 yr olds mind works!! Amazon has books called the pea that was me, families are all different, you were meant to be etc and is a good starting point, slightly different situation with me as im single so its more obvious to him that we are slightly different to some of our friends. I wouldn't worry too much though,hes still young and kids tend to be very accepting of what they are told at this age so maybe just read the books together and say that is how your brother was made and let him lead the questions and answer very simply and just keep talking about it in front of the younger one and he will just absorb some info also. Ive looked after kids for 25 yrs and keeping it simple and honest is always a good way to go. Good luck!


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