# Coping.....



## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, I suppose it’s because I know that if anyone will understand it's the people on here. 

I thought I was doing ok, well, as ok as you can do and then out of the blue a close friend has just announced that she's pregnant. She was upset telling me, she's lovely and I want to be happy for her. I know this scenario must have been posted a zillion times here on FF but I was just blown away. I completely broke down, I tried to apologize and explain that she shouldn't feel bad, that the world can't stop getting pregnant just because I can’t but it has just made everything seem so raw. It’s just a reminder of something that seems to be getting further and further out of reach for me.  I more or less ran away from the poor girl in floods of tears. Just couldn’t cope with trying to be happy. I’ve managed it before but just couldn’t this time. I now feel guilty for ruining her moment, it should have been a happy moment...

I can’t stop crying. My DH doesn’t understand (men!)... I just feel so deflated, so tired of this continuous battle that seems never ending and just so empty and so horribly sad inside.. My friend and another that was also there were saying for me not to worry, that my time will come. That just makes me want to scream from a roof top... NO IT BLOODY WON’T ACTUALLY. I CAN NEVER HAVE MY OWN BIOLOGICAL CHILD, its just not ever going to happen and that’s not even with the knowledge that I will have a baby at all, even non biological. They don’t know that though... about the DE bit.

I had a conversation yesterday with another friend about someone she knows who is going through early menopause cos of chemo tx. She was telling me about how she cannot become a mum and I answered yes she can, she can have an egg donated to her. 
(BTW this friend knows I’ve done ivf but not DE) My friend said, well yeah but it wouldn’t be hers, it wouldn’t look like her of have her mannerisms or her character. I argued back (getting more upset) that the child picks these up from who they are brought up by. Friend (convinced she was right) saying Nook Kath, I’ve seen it on the telly that that someone who was separated from birth mother but reunited years later had same habits and mannerisms etc……. blah blah… you get my drift.

I’m rambling on now sorry… I should shut up . Just needed to let it out.
I’m having a bad few days but thank you for listening (for those that still are  )

Kath xxx


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## loubi (Mar 27, 2009)

Oh poor you feeling like this..... I know exactly how you feel and am sure loads of other people on here know as well. 

Hearing that someone is pregnant is fantsastic news but it is so so hard at the same time. Feeling come flooding over me nowadays which I just can't explain. Like you have been very upset and I suppose envious that she is having what I want. 

Don't give up hope your time will come. It is so hard to reamian positive but you will have to and you will find the strength to I am sure.

As with the DE side of things. I am single and am having donor sperm so I am not in exactly the same position. But the way I see it is that I desperatey want a baby and if a donor is needed then so be it. I will love my baby more than anyone could imagine and they will be my baby. I don't get what your friends are saying about mannerisms or character etc.... or the seperated at birth thing. My baby will be my baby the fact that I need help tp have one from an amazing person is something I will know and will explain but nothing that I am ashamed of.

Stay positive and never say sorry for you feelings!!! You can't help they way you feel!!!


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Kath, I think even when/if you are successful with DE there will always be sadness at the loss of the genetic link. It's a real loss that you need to grieve. But once you hold your baby in your arms, much of the associated pain will wither away, I promise.

Have you seen this? http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/life_topics/item.php?seeresults=1&uniqueid=5902&categoryid=495&


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## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Thanks for your replies. Don't know whats the matter with me... Thought I was doing ok then all of a sudden wham... Im a wreck!
I've come to the point where my worry isn't even so much about the DE thing.... although yes, I totally agree with drowned girl that there will always be a sadness. 
It's more that I'm never going to have a baby and even DE isn't going to work, or be able to pay for it to work....So its like at the moment there are both things to be sad about... whereas if god willing this ever does work, I do believe that the joy of having my baby would fade the sadness into the background IYKWIM.
I hate myself for not being able to be happy for my friend but all I can feel is this horrendous sadness.All I can think about is how *I* am going to cope through *her* preg. I mean talk about me me me. Hearing her talk about it, seeing her bump grow... I honestly dont know how Im going to do it!! (without breaking down each time I see her which I dont want and Im sure she doesnt).
Anyone got any tips?? I'm already thinking how I can avoid her and I dont feel good about that.
Thanks for listening
xxxx


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

kath, i don't think you can necessarily put aside your feelings. i avoided pg friends.

re the genetic link thing, having one child already, it wasn't an issue for me. but to never have a bio child.. i think it's a process to go through

xx


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## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Kath,
I couldn't read your post and not reply and send you huge   - I know exactly how you are feeling, as I'm so do so very many of the women (and men) who post on this site. When we were trying to get our babies (a 5 year process!) no less than 27 babies were born to friends and family! Each and every pregnancy which was announced was like another bit of salt being poured into the wounds we were carrying, especially those which were publically announced as accidents and those who said 'we never thought we'd get pregant in the first month!' It is really rough and as understanding as people try to be I don't thin anyone really understands unless they've walked in the same shoes as people such as us do. So take it easy on yourself, I didn't avoid pregnant friends but I did ask them to understand that I found it hard sometimes and was open about my feelings of disappointment that my turn didn't seem to be coming any time soon. that seemed to help - I was happy for them but sad and more than a little jealous at times! When it got bad I used to give myself something to look forward to - something those pregnant friends couldn't do - a glass of champagne (or even a bottle!) or a lovely aromatherapy massage or just a new pair of skinny jeans or a little top to feel glam in! hang on in there my lovely, it will pass so be kind to yourself whilst it does.

and on the subject of biology and children, you'll see from my signature below that DH & I finally got off the ivf rollercoaster swapped it for the adoption one and are now very, very proud parents to 2 fabulous little girls - and we couldn't be happier. Don't let anyone tell you that dna makes a parent, it doesn't - my daughters are so like me it's unbelievable! They have my mannerisms, my expressions and even look like me (though their colouring is totally different, they've got their daddy's eyes and hair!). Families are born in all kinds of ways and it grows from love, care and affection - a teeny, tiny egg or sperm is only the starting point, not the defining point (the way I see it - we used both DE & DS and then outsourced the pregnancy bit!   ) You'll be a fab mummy one day I'm sure - however that may happen.

i hope that helps a little, and doesn't offend anyone should they believe DNA is important, I can only speak from my experience.

Take care
lots of love
S
xxx


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## pippilongstockings (Dec 8, 2005)

tibbelt, your post was so beautiful thank you    I could have written the things you wrote about other people's pgs, it's so hard isn't it?  

Kath - be kind to yourself, you are grieving so allow yourself to have these feelings    I've already got a beautiful son (donor sperm) and I am still completely overwhelmed with jealousy about my SILs pregnancy.  And I can't avoid her!  The family seem to be extra keen for us all to spend loads of time together while she's pg    I really hope that you acheive your dream of having a baby soon.  However you acheive it, it honestly is worth the pain and heartache that we have to go through to get there  

P xx


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## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Thank you Tibbelt and Pippilongstockings. I'm feeling a bit better today. The sadness comes and goes in waves.
xxxxxx


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## pippilongstockings (Dec 8, 2005)

That's normal kath, I still get the sadness now    But at the same time, I now wouldn't change anything as I wouldn't want any other baby other than my son


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## pixie g (Jun 20, 2009)

Hi Kath

your post hit a real nerve with me too. I was told in feb last year that DE was our only option, and we've since gone through 2 cycles (both biochem). At times it really HURTS that I'll never be able to pass my genes onto any baby we may have, but my comforting thought is that I'll hopefully be able to nurture and grow that child in my body, with my blood, and DH's sperm. So even though my gene's won't pass on, I'll definately be a part of any child - a biological part at that.

ikwym about coping with other friends / family announcements too - one friend (heavy drinker, heavy smoker, in her early 40's) is now 6mth pg after trying for just a few months, another friend (43, ttc for around 9 mths) announced her pg this week...just days before I m/c. It's so so HARD trying to keep a 'normal' face on at times, when inside you're absolutely dying. I'm not sure how and if I'll be able to cope with friend #2's pg, as it was only 4 weeks further on than my own would have been. At times I get so angry that at 36 I'm IF, and many of my friends in their 40's have no problems. I'd NEVER begrudge them their families...but it feels so unfair to me at times.

I hope this hasn't been too much of a 'me' post - I guess I just wanted to let you know I really understand, and also some of my coping mechanisms...

I hope you're managing to keep putting one foot in front of the other...

g
xx


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## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Thank you for your post Pixie. That's the great thing about FF, makes you realise you're not alone....even though it feels like it at times.
If you ever need to chat, pm me. 
It's a hard thing to deal with at times....
We'll get there.... we have to believe that. 
Lot's of luck and love to you
Kath xxxx


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