# Separating before adoption order - desperate for advice!!!



## berrygirl (Apr 27, 2005)

Our baby has been with us for 6 months and the adoption order is due to go to court within the next 2 weeks. Everything fab and we both love him to bits. However - our relationship has been on a downward spiral on and off for about the last year. My DH is going through some sort of mid-life crisis and is acting more like a teenage son than husband. He is sometimes cruel and aggressive towards me and has told me that if I want love and affection to find someone else. I am sure he has been unfaithful but don't have definitive proof. He has had depressive episodes in the past on and off but has recovered and whilst we were going through HS he was fine and our SW really likes him.I have tried everything to keep our relationship going as I always believed that once I got married it would be for life but cannot take anymore. I am at breaking point and am desperate to leave him but I don't want SS to know that I'm leaving.  I can wait until the AO goes through but my question is :- how long do you have to wait until the celebration day in court? I heard it is quite a while and I don't want to have to wait until after then until I leave DH.  I also wondered what SS reaction would be if I did tell them (am very lucky to have close family and friends who would help out and give me support)?                                    Please help!  Berrygirl x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Berrygirl,

I'm afraid I don't have the answers, but just wanted to give you a   
My DH is my 2nd husband and I went through a lot of rubbish with my first husband, especially towards the end, although luckily there were no children involved I do know how you feel   

All I would say though (from the view of a child with parents who divorced when she was little), no matter whether an adopted child or birth child, I'm sure it's better to be living with one happy parent, than 2 unhappy parents. 
As we all know SS are more than happy to support single adopters, the only issue they may raise is the level of stress the separation phase may bring, but in my case I was happier and more settled the instant my 1st Husband moved out, so often it can remove the element of stress rather than bringing stress, as may also happen in your case.
As you've said you have a great support network, I'm sure that's all they will want to be reassured of.

I don't really know what I would do with regards to when best to tell them, but any of us could split up anytime down the line as there are never any guarantees in life, and SS can't expect our 'status quo' to always remain as it was during HS, that's not realistic of life.
I'm not sure how long it is between the court date and celebration day as we're not quite there yet.

I just hope you find some peace soon and one way or another it all works out well for you.   

Love Anj x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi Berrygirl

   Lot of hugs, I'm sorry you have found yourself in this position. 

I'm afraid I don't have any answers either.  The courts where I live don't so Celebration hearings, but I'd have thought that after you have the Adoption Order then you'd be free to do as you need to. Someone who lives in England (as I assume you do) can answer that one better.

If you do tell SW, I suspect it would delay court as you would then be reassessed as a single parent. I wouldn't worry about the baby being removed - I doubt very much that would happen, but being upfront about it may mean you get extra support (i.e. financial).

You could phone the AdoptionUK helpline (they try to help even if you're not a member). They could maybe advise you on the legal aspects.

Bx


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## Guest (Nov 5, 2010)

Big ((hugs)) and sorry you find yourself in such a tricky situation.  

I don't have any answers, but my inclination would be to be honest about where you are at.  You will probably find that SW will be supportive and although it may delay things a short while, you will be in a better place in the longer term and I am another who would be very surprised if they removed the child (that's not in their interest).  

Does your DH still want to be involved with your child?  Have you considered adopting alone?

I am so glad you have a strong support network and ((hugs)) to help you through this tricky time.

Bop


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## berrygirl (Apr 27, 2005)

Hi - thanks for your replies. 

I think maybe wait until the AO goes through then sort things out and inform SS afterwards before the celebration day    what a mess. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to tell them as after the celebration day then thats it, isn't it? At least little one is only 13 months old so too young for this to affect him. 
As for the stress - being with DH is stressing me more than the thought of leaving - if I could leave tomorrow I would, then I would not have to deal with the moods/anger/misery/lies etc.

As a single mum, I would have lots of support from friends and have a close family and I care for little one all the time anyway, although DH does play with him. I am sure that DH would still want to be involved as despite how he treats me, he loves him as much as I do and is his daddy after all.

Maybe I will ring Adoption Uk for advice, I just feel like I have to hide all this from SS as the pressure is so strong to present as the perfect couple - I sort of feel like I've let them down even though things are brilliant with DS - he is happy and settled and I love him so much.


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

I think it's definitely worthwhile considering talking to SW about it - I think they'll be more supportive than you think - they understand that these things happen and really don't expect couples to be "perfect".

Please don't underestimate the impact on your baby - I know he's young but he will be capable of picking up on your emotions/tension and be aware of the absence of his father. I can understand that leaving your DH is in you/your sons best interests (obviously it's better to have 1 happy parent than 2 unhappy) but it will unfortunately impact on your son - remember he's lost everything at least twice before.  

You of course are in a position where you can support him and give him the routine/stability he needs - and having a great support will help you both lots.


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Sorry to hear of your difficulties

I think we would all feel like you do, that you want to 'present as the perfect couple' and not want anything to risk upsetting the AO.  But maybe you should consider telling your sw, maybe there will be a revision of any adoption allowance or any other kind of support they could put into place prior to the AO    I think you'll find this is quite common, my cousin adopted her daughter 5 years ago and as soon as she came home her husband decided is wasn't what he wanted after all and left    He has however still been her father although they are now seperated. 

Does your DH know you're leaving? Have you actually spoken about seperating?  Maybe speaking to SS about it they would offer him some sort of counselling? 

I think your idea of calling AUK is a good one, they should be able to tell you if your situation would have any affect on the AO (which I gather is your fear for not wanting to tell SS    )

Best of luck 

 

xxx


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