# My story - complications - where there is hope ..............



## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Intro - I wrote this today about my experiences of IVF/Egg donation, I wanted so share this with others and I hope it gives you some hope that maybe one day we might get the chance to be parents. Lets not give up on our dreams! miracles do happen and were in the waiting que for them. I hope i am next in line for my chance of dreams coming true.

good luck to you in your journies for the future.

*Complications*​
When you know nothing about IVF you take it as a process when in fact once your in its more than a process it takes over you entire life and involves the rollercoaster of emotions.

I knew at the age of 16 that I would not produce eggs and at the time I was upset but eventually I did not think too much about it saying I have plenty of time. Once I was married it then became a reality. I had no issues with egg donation as my view is that the baby is feed by you and you give birth so there is a bond that wont be broken and overall I wanted to be a mum and experience pregnancy as a woman I felt that it was natural to do this and if I needed help that was ok as my dream is just a bit more complicated than others but all the same it would be my child and I was not going to let anything get it my way.

In my first cycle I was very positive and wanted a god mental attitude to IVF when the negative came I was devastated and all the hope and dreams I had came to a halt. I had planned a wonderful life and all my dreams revolved around the one day of getting a positive, when it was a negative my life stopped and I just did not enjoy doing anything anymore.

All I could see was children and pregnant people and I was so jealous and then felt guilty for these feelings, I was so messed up. I took all my hurt out on the people that loved me and nearly ended up in divorce as I felt inadequate and that I did not have the right to be happily married. My husband deserved a better life than this that I could not give him. I never understood the term feeling like you're in a black hole but on reflection that hole had engulfed my life and I could not climb out own my own no matter how hard I tried after the negative. My world had come crashing down.

After a long time I started to feel human again thanks to my husband and my best friend. My friend always was supportive and never said silly comments. She didn't have any answers for me but the fact she was there was enough for me. My poor husband manage to cope with my moods and coldness until I seen some light in my black hole and I did make it out with support once I had let people in I trusted without them I would not be who I am today.

After months of getting life back to a reality I felt alive again and started to look at my options and was very interested in adoption and still am today. I think it's an amazing thing to do. Although I do believe in adoption whole heartily in my head there was one still doubt asking what if? That question would never be answered or so I thought.

After this slight doubt I started looking at private egg donation treatment abroad in reality I knew it would not happen due to cost etc and I told myself I was being stupid. I could not move on yet though that niggling question was still constantly there.

I discussed this with my hubby and with some good finances on his part we managed to get the cash. There was a sparkle in me I had not felt for a long time. I had a hope again that maybe my dreams would come true and I would be a mum.

I would do anything and go through hell and back for this dream. To those who have not experienced the suffering of IVF you may not be aware the pain that overtakes the body that cant be controlled, you life just feels like an act as the pain is unbearable. I read a poster once which said having children is hard but wanting children and not being able to be far worse and I so agree.

With all these hopes we went to IM in Spain, who were so confident and I truly believed my dreams would come true. On the 9th may my family was implanted sadly they never made it. The negative was unreal, all my head said was NO NO it's not fair, this was my turn. I was shocked I believed that it would have worked. I have never felt so fed up, frustrated, angry and overall why me!!!!!

I am still recovering from all of the above feelings the only thing that I can hold onto is that we have two egg there waiting and just maybe we will get to be parents. I am going straight back out I can't stop if I do I think I will just give up; I am going to be a mum whether it be through the next IVF or via adoption.

I am going to get money organised for further IVF but I am keeping the small glimmer of hope that on the 11th June my family will get cosy and sit it out for 9 months. No matter what happens I am not giving up yet. I am not ready to admit defeat in my dream of being a mum. I want to experience pregnancy and will remember every moment of this precious time if I ever get there.

For me I can't wait till the next transfer as although the two week wait are so stressful in one way it's my chance to say I might be pregnant and hopefully one day that will be confirmed. My chance has still to come and I can feel it!!!

For me I will never forgot my family that did not make it although they did not survive they will always be in my heart they no matter what others may think they were my children and plan to plant a tree for them all. They were only here for a short time but I loved them all and will never be forgotten.

Living in hope.

Jenny


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## raphael (Jan 25, 2009)

Jenny, your message was beautiful, honest and heartfelt. I wish you every happiness and success in your journey towards becoming a mother. God bless you. Raphael xx


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hi Raphael,

Thanks - I hope your well in the 2ww i know its hard .

rem and take care of yourself just now and be postive

wishing you a BFP!!!

jenny


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## raphael (Jan 25, 2009)

Hi Jenny, I should have updated my notes. negative pregnancy result. I'm so sad and disappointed and confused. Really don't know what to do for the best. I am determined to have a baby. Just trying to figure out what our next move should be. Your message really struck a chord with me. Best wishes. Raphael


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Sorry to hear the news - Its very sad, such confusion at this time. You never know what to do for the best. 

take time to try and do something you enjoy. I know thats easier said than done trust me I cant think of anything else at the moment its driving me mad just so confused of why life is so so unfair!

Rem no matter what you are not alone and  If you need anything let me know.

thinking of you!

jenny


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## raphael (Jan 25, 2009)

Thank you so much for your support. I would love to know how you get on in the future. Be patient. I am sure that you will achieve your dreams. You still have 2 eggs waiting for you in Spain. Lucky you. I really hope things work out for you. By the way I live in Nicosia, Cyprus. I am with Dr. Trokoudes at the Pedieos Clinic. His specialist area is with donor egg IVF and he has an amazing track record in this field. Maybe in the future you may be interested in a visit to sunny Cyprus for treatment. (Hope it doesn't get to that stage and all your dreams come true in Spain). His prices are reasonable. I tried with my own eggs, at the age of 44 I guess I was chasing fool's gold, but I was pleased with the support and treatment I got from him, even though I wasn't successful. Thought I would recommend him to you in any case. If you try the International/Cyprus board you will find more information and comments about him. All the best. Raphael x


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