# I don't know how to carry on



## Guest (Oct 2, 2006)

Hi Everyone

Can you believe after 2 years of support from this site I have never noticed this section until today, perhaps I have always just read the word negative and without realising it skipped past this thread.

Where do I start...My hubbie and I have been through three failed cycles of IVF two of which were ICSI because our first time only 1 of the 11 eggs collected fertilised through IVF, although they still have no idea why.

I always thought if it didn't work the first two times it would definitely work the third. So much so that I was convinced it would never work the second time, but would the third! The last cycle I was convinced we would have the happy news we have longed for for so long. Dh and I even went to 'Momma's and Pappa's' and had the most memorable half hour ever thinking which pram and bedroom decor our precious one would have....something I would normally NEVER let myself to do - but I did because I was so very convinced it would work and that during the 2ww I WAS pregnant.

I can't describe the pain, fear and emotion I felt when the day before we should have tested I began spotting (this had never happened before my AF was always late).

We have been devastated, the first thing we did was go to a travel agents and book a 2 week dream holiday to the Maldives. We haven't had a holiday abroad since our honeymoon to the Maldives 3 years ago, our reasons for doing this were that we are fed up of spending so much money on IVF/fertility testing, complementary therapys that will help. We aren't sure if we will go through tx again, although we aren't sure we are ready to stop   we just decided a 'nice' holiday might help (one where there wouldn't be ANY children)....and who knows we might come back with a miracle  

As part of my 'dealing' with the pain, I was advised by a councilor to take up a hobby (like its all so easy) anyway I decided to get back into horses and used to have my own when I was younger, and know how much enjoyment the bond can bring.

I was so eager to carry on, that I took a horse on loan. His name is Ross he is 16.2, beautiful and REALLY was filling that massive hole in my heart, life was good....until.....the next disaster - two weeks ago I had a bad riding accident! I don't remember what happened but I was severely concussed and taken to hospital in an ambalance staying in for a short while. Luckily nothing was broken, but my back was damaged and my head has been very painful following the concussion, I was very lucky. It was a very scary time for my dh because I had bad memory loss and didn't even know that I was married, and nothing was staying in! All is fine now, however I still don't remember the accident or the few days before and after the day it happened.

Worst part - the day after the accident we should have flown to the Maldives for our much longed for holiday....and the hospital won't let me fly for 6 weeks! We are in the process of trying to claim back our money through the insurance company  

We went to see my GP last week who is aware of what we have been through and signed me off for two weeks, partly because of depression.

Anyway sadly the accident has brought back all the pain that I have been running from, I am starting to think that we need to go for a follow up appointment, which is something I have been very much against as it seems everytime we go they tell us nothing new (we are at the Priory, B'ham).

Dh and have thought about trying ARGC but are both afraid of the costs and paying off another (more expensive BFN) for years to come because in order to go there we would have to look at a loan or finance of some kind.

I just don't know what way to turn, none of my friends understand (with the exception of one who is currently going through her 2nd cycle and has been a gem) everyone else has children and it feels like their sympathy and understanding has ran out. I/we really feel like we don't fit in anymore, I don't even want to see these friends now as the everyday life is so painful. They always seem to have minor issues and complaints which I have no patience for and want to scream at them "Do you know how lucky you are!"

Anyway this is me, I am lost, so very lost and really don't know which way to turn


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hi jodie, i dont 'know' you but i was so moved by your story i just wanted to send you the biggest  what rotten luck to lose your dream holiday which was part of your healing process, i really hope you can claim back the money.  I'm glad you have been signed off work, you definitely need it, take more time off if you can, you have been through alot...
my heart goes out to you

kj


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## shasha (Aug 23, 2006)

Hi
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. There is an old french singer that sang " La vie ne fait pas de cadeau" translating "life don't give you gifts". At times like this, it certaintly rings true. Just hold on there, hold on to what little goodness life does give. You will pull through given time. I just wished I could fast forward the clock for you but you might just miss something beautiful. One day at a time hey. take care shasha


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## Danuna (Apr 27, 2005)

Hiya Jodie.  I'm sorry that life has been so very hard for you lately.  

I did six failed insems and although it was not IVF and it was not for my baby, the grief that I felt with each failed attempt was so bad it nearly choked me.

The only advice that I can give is to be kind to yourself and to take time to recover from the disappointments, just like you gave yourself time to recover after the ridding accident.  If that means taking a few weeks off work and not getting dressed until midday, then so be it.  Eventually you will feel like going out again and facing the world, but try to do it in small, manageable little steps.  Sending you hugs.


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## poppy22 (Jun 3, 2003)

Hi Jodie, im sure we cycled together last year. I understand everything your saying. I am now on my 7th 2ww. I have had 3 cycles of IVF and lots of frozen embryo transfers. I have never had a BFP. Its sooo hard every time you get a bfn we are grieving for our loss, and we must take time out to grieve.

However everytime i have had a BFN i immediatley have to start doing something like book a holiday, make plans etc.  Last time i had a BFN i decided to change clinics i was coming to the end of my treatment with the NHS and i had 3 frosties left. Although i knew it would be expensive i went to Care in manchester and transfered my frosties.  I cant tell you how much better i feel with them. Even though im on a 2ww now i feel that if it dosnt work now, it will one day because i have confidence in Care.

I dont really have any words of wisdom Jodie as i feel very much like you. I avoid social functions because i dread being asked 'when are you having children', Arghhhh. I isolate myself from friends cause they have what i want. All i can say is that every time i have gotten a BFN its took me a good while to greive and to carry on. I have enjoyed time with my hubby and enjoyed life. Maybe you should take some time out and plan for your next go.

We have to keep going dont we  . 

Take care. Love poppy


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## Catb33 (Aug 1, 2006)

Jodie,  just wanted to send you a  after reading your post. Life can be a   sometimes and it's so unfair that you had to cope with the accident so soon after the bfn and then miss out on your holiday. The others are all right, you need to take good care of yourself at the moment and give yourself time to recover properly.

take care

Cathie x


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