# In a dark place



## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Hello,
Well my journey is now over, we've been trying for 6 years and just had my second failed attempt at ICSI.  I've been crying for 2 days solid so far, but i know i've made the right decision, it's almost a relief in some ways.  I could have another go, I've saved up the money, but the chances of success are so incredibly slim that I really couldn't put myself or my hubby through it again. I feel like it's nearly tipped me over the edge and to go through this torture again would utterly break my heart and i don't think i could recover. At least this way I have made the choice, rather than have inevitable forced on me. I have to look to the future now, I'm going to go for councelling and I've just bought a couple of books recommended on this forum.

My hubby doesn't want to go through Adoption or Egg & Sperm donation, and to be honest I think I agree.  Is that wrong to think like that? I feel guilty for having these thoughts, but I'm just so exhausted with it all and i love my husband, I don't want to wreck our relationship.

I feel angry that so many women can get pregnant at the drop of hat, but i must'nt become bitter and twisted. 
I'd appreciate your advise & support, i feel so deperately unhappy.
Sarah


----------



## JasperP (Oct 10, 2010)

Hi Sarah

I don't have any advice, as we're still at the 'will we / won't we IVF stage', but didn't want to just read and run.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to adopt, or use other people's eggs or sperm.  I think you have to do what is right for you both.

 
Marcia xx


----------



## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

Hiya Sarah

Sending you huge    .  It's just all soooo unfair eh!!! That's a really positive thing to say that you are making the choice ... I think that's a huge part of being able to move on.  We were the same as you and your DH we didnt want to go down the donor route, I think for me the longing to have a baby has been there for ever ... but when I met my DH it was no longer just about wanting A baby, it was about having his baby, our baby..... and that can't be.

Glad you have decided to go for counselling, I've found it really useful ... don't get me wrong it is really painful but I know it does help.  I guess my only advice is to be gentle with yourself honey ... there is no miracle cure to feeling better.. .I think it just takes however long it takes..  I can understand that you don't want to make any decisions that would risk your relationship..... I guess it might help to explore in counselling how you really feel independant of your DH. My DH was dead against the donor side of things and I agreed with him because I could see how he felt... but at counselling I realised that there was also a desperation in me that would take any option if it meant having a baby!  Eventually after a lot of crying I came to resolution re the donor route not being an option ... then the decision was made for us by the financial powers that be who turned us down for any loan (DH has huge debts linked to previous relationship)..... game over!

I think for you honey.. you have been on this road for 6 years and the decision to stop is almost like the finality when someone dies .... take time to grieve ...be soo gentle with yourself.  Have you read the thread about grief by meredith - it really helped me understand my emotions.  Talking to other women on here has really helped me... it is just good to hear that my emotions are normal.  Whatever decision you make ... as long as it is right for you both... will be the right one.  Don't judge yourself for not wanting to do adoption/donor deep inside you and DH will know what is right for your relationship

I'm here any time you want a chat 

love Nic x


----------



## Babytears (Jan 16, 2011)

hi pinkpig,

ive just posted my first post on my own topic and now im reading all the other posts. you sound just like me. we have been ttc for 4 years with all its ups and downs. our life has been put on hold throughout our tx. im sick and tired of it all, totally worn down by it all. we arent going to go down the donor route or adoption either. we are choosing to live child free but are considering fostering. amongst all the devastating emotions of not being able to have a baby i actually feel relief now. refief of not having to do anymore tx, no more bloody hormones. im even going to deliberately loose track of my afs. i still have to deal with every single one of my friends being pg or having babies but i will avoid them. its the only for me at the moment and i will tell them so to. nothing personal its the way i need to deal with it and tough. i just wish i had other child free friends!!! 

i have other dreams to but financial restrictions now which is frustrating. i think i will keep reading these posts for now so i dont feel so alone and work through however i am surposed to work through it all.

if anyone wants to chat please feel free xx


----------



## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Thank you all so much for your kindness, it means the world to me. I've cried all night and this morning too, I'm exhaused and i can't sleep with all this sadness. I feel so lonely and like i've lost my baby, even though i never had one, if that makes sense.  I feel i've lost my purpose in life, i always thought i'd be a mum one day and have my own baby, i never believed i would get to this point.  I've tried to contact a councellor today, but not having much luck at the moment. 

Babytears - i hope you are coping okay, it's just awful.  I think thats a great idea about loosing track of AF, i'm going to stop too, i''m going to keep my head down for a while aswell, but i don't think we'll ever escape the pain we feel when we see pregnant women. 

I don't know what i'd do without this forum, no one else understands


----------



## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi Sarah/Babytears

Didn't want to read and not send you both a big . 

Pinkpig i know exactly what you mean about feeling that you have lost all purpose in life. Its such a horrible situation for any woman to find herself in but at least on here you can feel free to say exactly what you are thinking or feeling without fear of being judged or upsetting anyone.

Much love to you both 

Sam xxx


----------



## Libran (Dec 15, 2009)

Hello
I just wanted to send a huge big   to everyone on this Moving On thread.  You may not feel it, but you are all so brave and so strong. What strikes me is how similar the emotions that we all describe are.  IF can be so isolating (we are, after all, statistically the minority) and just reading other peoples posts and hearing their experiences validates my own feelings (eg feelings of rage at pg women generally, jealousy of pg friends and then huge guilt that I can't smile and be happy for them etc etc etc) and makes me feel that little bit less lonely and less of a monster.  None of us WANT to be bitter and twisted.
Of course, there will always be good days and bad days.  The bad days will never completely disappear, but they will become less frequent and less intense in their power to knock you for six. 
Pinkpig, it is still very early days after your failed treatment, so please don't be too harsh on yourself and expect too much too soon. In your position it would be very easy to say "OK, let's have another go" and I applaud you for staying true to yourself and your beliefs in not considering DE / donor sperm / adoption.  You obviously have such intelligence and insight and indeed such forsight to realise the simple fact that you COULD continue, but at what personal cost to yourself, DH and your relationship ?!!
Babytears, again it is early days for you too.  Hardly surprisingly, you sound totally and utterly exhausted.  Friendships are such a tricky area, and I can totally empathise with the desire to avoid them.  It's pure self preservation.  I hope that you can find a way to protect yourself and yet still retain some level of contact that you feel comfortable with.  This is a mistake that I have made - cutting myself off from pg friends - and in the long term, it can be a very lonely place to be. 
Take care all XX


----------



## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

Hiya

Made me cry reading others writing about losing sense of purpose in life ..... that's exactly what I have been feeling ... but also like I have lost my identity ... just dont know who I am anymore.  I hadnt realised before that so much of my identity was wrapped up in my dreams of having a family   it hurts!!!!!!!!

love to all xx


----------



## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Same here starbaby   

As you can see from the people who have replied here - your not on your own and your feelings and emotions are so like all of ours - its a horrible time when you finally have to accept your not going to be a mum but as the others say - time does help (albeit I do still have days when I grown horns and have green eyes    ) but eventually you look at other areas in your life where you can find happiness of a different sort.

It takes time and it hurts like hell but for me - waking up and it not being the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about at night has led me to get on with my life.  Its not how I wanted it but I have to move on and life is so short I didnt want to spend it thinking about the past and what I can never have   

The girls on here will help you along - we are always here as a shoulder to cry on or to hear a rant - so you wont be on your own - we all hold hands along this the hardest part of our journey.

Love

Debs xxx


----------

