# "You just need to not stress about it"



## AmericaninLondon (Jan 13, 2014)

I'm 34. After three years of TTC and two failed IVF with ICSI cycles, this phrase is bothering me SO much more now. 

I'm sure many of you have been told this lovely nugget of precious wisdom. What are your responses back?! I need more ammo. My politeness has run out and I'm ready to take it up a notch and put these (largely well meaning I'm sure) people in check. Along the way I've said:

*If only it were that easy.
*(smile) 
*(change subject)
*Oh we don't.

Please give me yours! And while you're at it, share with me some other frequent comments and your responses. I'm on fire this year and I'm not going to let others make me feel more shi**y than I make myself feel already. It's January NINTH and I've heard 'why haven't you started a family yet?' 'You should really get moving on family making now' and the BEST 'Oh, that's too bad it's just you and your husband. Children make Christmas so magical'. All in just over a week. And NOT from any family. 

So please! Arm with with some comebacks! Arm us all!!!


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

"We've tried that, it didn't work."


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

I tend to favour something nasty and cutting like "maybe I could stress less, but I bet you couldn't be any less stupid"  

I'm actually not a nasty person generally, and people don't expect it from me, but I say something like that and laugh and people just think im joking  

Xxx


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## klmch (Apr 22, 2012)

Depending on who it is, there's always the " well actually we have been trying, in fact for xx years, but there are medical issues" 

Cue awkward silence, embarrassed looks etc... Almost worth it!!


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi All, 

Sure we'v all had these remarks. You feel like just saying oh p!s$ off!! But we are too polite to do that. ...i am sure lol. 

I hate the "when are you having a baby, wait until YOU have kids" (that last one is a personal hate) I say I like my holidays and cars. I'm too selfish....to people who don't know my situation.

If all my ivf cycles fail  ( they dont) it will be a case of saying I carnt have children then watch as the squirm their way of out of the situation.

i hate the don't stress advice though. I k ow people who have had trouble conceiving which obviously makes them an expert now I am and I always get don't stress itl happen. Or forget about it and you fall pregnant straight away cos your not stressing.

If only it were that simple xxx


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## FreyaRun (Nov 24, 2014)

1.  "How?"

2.  Just start sobbing.


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## Goldielocks80 (Feb 26, 2013)

I can completely relate to your comment, the ones that make my blood boil are:-

"Just relax and it will happen!"

"These things happen when you least expect them"

"It will be your turn one day"

It's so hard to smile and nod your head when actually you'd like to screams and shout, so I do feel your pain!! Xxxxx


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

This thread made me laugh! I have a 'Don't list' of all the things people should never say to people who have issues TTC. No one we know asks us anymore- which is a bit sad in itself as it shows its been going on for a while. We have recently moved to a new city/ I have a new job so I may get the odd 'do you have any children?' But can just say 'not yet' without having to drag up the sorry story.

I've also just finished reading an amazing book written by someone who massively struggled with infertility- she had a happy ending eventually- but she writes a lot about what people say, how to deal with it, all those ridiculous things like 'just relax, it'll happen' 'stop thinking about it, it'll happen' 'why don't you just adopt' blah blah. I really identified with it and totally recommend it. Its called 'So Close' by Tertia Albertyn. I got mine on eBay. I cried as well as laughed- it's a rocky road for them.

We are just starting to think about doing another cycle. I don't think we will tell anyone as I can't bear the well meaning/well intentioned comments that only serve to wind me up.

Anyway nice to know there's other ladies out there who share the frustration!. I think my favourite one for me was when I'd just had our first failed cycle and had to go and visit a friend who'd just had her baby (I've now learnt its self preservation all the way and to avoid this kind of thing if its going to have a negative effect on myself). I had to hold the baby and had the comment 'ahh it really suits you'. My reply- 'so would top to toe Chanel which at this point in time is probably more attainable than a baby'.
Whilst I made that come back and laughed it off, I couldn't believe the insensitivity of it. Its on my 'Don't say list'.

Anyway- good luck ladies. This is the first time in a while I've come back to this site- forgot how nice it is to realise you're not the only one out there dealing with it all.

A x


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

To any comment along the lines of "relax..." - I could lie on a Caribbean beach with an IV diazepam drip running for 2 weeks & I won't grow a new pair of healthy fallopian tubes.

B xxx


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## smallbutmighty (Aug 5, 2013)

"Maybe you're right! I hadn't considered that! What makes you think that would work? I'm totally open to advice so please, tell me more about the studies round that." 

Or, "you mean maybe try to forget about it? I'm totally with you, but people keep dragging it up."


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## SleepyT (Aug 13, 2008)

Love this thread  
Must try and remember some of the comebacks. I more often get "so why haven't you had any kids yet?" which is normally while my DH is acting a clown for the kids and I'm changing a friends baby's nappy cos she's running after her toddler! At this point I feel pathetic. But I just say "I dunno, maybe one day but not just now" because anybody with a BRAIN would look at us and know we'd give anything to have our own.
Do they really think I'm going to tell them my story?? Just nosey and insensitive (Obviously my friends know so anyone asking is not very close to me)

But the funny responses have made me giggle today


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## honkiepink (Apr 7, 2014)

This page is brilliant and is so great as I now know I am not on my own with these stupid comments!!!  I find the one that shuts people up is " I can't have children " then I like to watch them skirm as that's what they made me feel when asking me. Yes I hate the ' oh it will be you next' or 'you know what they sat, new house new baby', just relax and it will happen! ', but the thing I hate the most is when people are moaning about their kids then the stop mid sentence as they know your there! And you then know that everyone knows that you can't have kids! And you think you should be so grateful!  People are stupid they annoy me! I am currently seeking a new job and to move to a new area and I am sick of people acting weird around me! If I had my time again I wouldn't tell anyone Xxx


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## mattysmrs (Jul 7, 2013)

Gailgegirl - great comebacks I'm so pinching those to use


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## MrsSKB (Oct 2, 2013)

Loving this and I have literally just had this conversation with my mum about how it winds me up.

"It'll happen when you least expect it. Just relax and don't think about it."  Really, because it's that bloody easy!

xx


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## Bahhumbug (Nov 30, 2014)

Our respective parents had a conversation about us while we were out of the room just before Christmas and decided, en masse, that it is because we are 'working too hard and not putting yourselves first.' I was so furious we couldn't talk to them for days!! Both fuming about the presumption of it all. When we dropped those 3 little letters I, V and F I think they put their brains back in.


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

I think we have all had dont stress, relax, go on holiday.

I was told once to try for a test tube baby...lol.. i just had to tell them the whole story of NHS funding and IVF and they never asked again


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## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Ive heard this 'advice' so many times now all I can think is it must be me! Ive battled anxiety for years so maybe this can instead highlight to those people how this in itself is an illness which you cannot always control and 'just relax' isnt going to cure it, but I wish I could...


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## mogg77 (Nov 9, 2014)

I saw a great article by a fertilty doctor, he said if stress stopped people from conceiving no one in New York would have kids! Made me feel better about getting stressed during my cycle too 😊
  I also had a friend try to foist her newborn on me as apparently it's 'catching'!


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## Loonytoon (Oct 30, 2014)

Love this thread! I've had a nice few chuckles! A personal of mine 'you've sooooooo much time. Relax!' Ah- thanks so much!!  I'll say that to the clinic that we have paid ten grand to, who says my amh is so ****e I've less than a year with my own eggs. Ya. Time is exactly what I have.


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## Divas212 (Nov 13, 2013)

I hate the 'relax it'll happen when you least expect it too' my response is alway to smile and say not likely really considering we're in a same sex relationship..... Which everybody knows but yet still come out with this..... Always makes them feel silly!!


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## kitty280 (Apr 19, 2014)

This thread was so good to read. I just feel like such a horrible person as I get so mad with all the comments well meaning people say. It's so nice I am not alone! The worst thing I find is all the hopeful stories people tell me about people who it eventually worked for. My blood boils and inside I scream please don't tell me this it doesn't help. Tell me about people it didn't work for and that managed to carry on and have happy lives after their dreams were crushed. I can't bear the fact that people think it's so easy to go on trying and hoping and your heart breaking a little more each loss.


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## Talkingfrog (Apr 17, 2014)

We have dd (nearly 4 yrs) from our previous cycle. Our try for a sibling failed. (Due date would have been this week).  Still get asked (even from people who know we had ivf for our daughter) are we going to have any more.  Got told last week when I said that dd was a handful and we are a bit older now that I would regret not having a second.  It was well intended as the person saying it has a grown up son and may have regretted not having more. She said we weren't too old (41 and dh 43) but I am only 2 yrs younger than her and she had a hysterectomy last yr.


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