# Hello i'm new and abit nervous ~



## erialc (Mar 21, 2007)

My husband and i have been trying for a baby for three years. He has a blockage in his tubes which means that he has good quality sperm but it can't get out. He has had various ops to try to open the tubes and even restructure them but none have worked. So we are now having IVF our initial consultation is on 22 Aug 07. I have been off work since finding out this date. You would think that i would feel better now things are moving on after 3 years but i actually feel anxious, i think it's because its now very real, my family are being really positive but all i can think of is what if it doesn't work, and also how on earth are we going to be able to afford a second 3rd etc try.

is it normal to feel like this, i feel like I'm going mad

xxx


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Welcome to FF. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but am glad you've now found us to help support you. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed when you start the journey into IVF for all the reasons you just described.  You will be fine though hun, we will all help support you through the process and you will cope. I think you need to stop thinking about how you will pay for goes 2/3 looking at the bigger picture is too much at this stage, you need to concentrate your efforts on this treatment and then worry about afterwards if it doesn't work. It's key to the success of tx to remain positive, so if you can manage that you'll realise you might not need to think about goes 2 & 3 because the first one might be the one that works! 

Here's the link to the Male Factors Board hun which I think you will find really useful

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=35.0

Additionally, it's newbie night in the chatroom on a friday and you might find that a help.

Take Care hun

Amanda xxx


----------



## erialc (Mar 21, 2007)

Hi Amanda

Thanks for replying to me i noticed on your information bit at the bottom that you are in the same position. it is so good to speak to some one who really understands. i know a lot of couples who have female infertility but male seems rear or may be just not spoke of. 
i some times think that it would be easier if the problem was with me as i could deal with it in my own way without having to worry that when i get upset it is making my DH feel crap. He will only speak to me about it and won't even tell his parents and family.

goodluck for April   

xx erialc


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi

You'll soon realise on here that Male Factor problems are more common than you might think.  You are right though men are very emotionally fragile creatures and they do definately take their infertility as a slur on their "man-hood".    Of course it shouldn't really matter who physically has the problem because at end of the day you both want a baby together so it's a joint problem, I have always referred to it as such so that my DH doesn't take it personally when I am upset.

The fact that he wont speak to others about it just makes him a normal bloke, they dont tend to verbalise their feelings like women do, so dont worry about him hun, I'm sure he's coping in the best way he can! 

Amanda xx


----------



## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi erialc and welcome to the site 

This site is fantastic for advice and support and you have been left some links to try out.

We also have a great chatroom (check the index for themed chats) It is often good to talk to people who understand what you are going through. Every Friday Night from 8pm to 9pm is NEWBIE NIGHT Miss TC, Dizzi_aquirrel or I will be in there to help you use the chatroom, answer any questions, etc. If you can't make it on Friday night, just send one of us a personal message and we will meet you in there at a prearranged time for a short "one2one" session to show you the ropes.

More info on newbie night............http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=85409.0

Good luck with everything.

Kate xx​


----------



## Clareybob (Mar 4, 2007)

HI Erialc (or is that Claire?!)
I just wrote you a long post, but then it disappeared   
Here goes again!

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear that you have had probs ttc and that you are feeling so low.  

You are definitely not going mad and we have definitely all been there.  It is not surprising that you are experiencing this level of anxiety at all and now you are off work you have lots of time to mull everything over in your mind.  I had to give up my job recently, as it would have been impossible to go forward with IVF treatment cos I was doing long hours and a long commute, and I have found not being at work can actually have a really depressing effect.  I feel as if my career life is in a mess, as well as not having children. 

We also have MF and I can totally empathise with you finding it a double bind - causing your DH grief when telling him how upset you are feeling.  I also find this a problem, even though I have made it quite clear that I regard the whole thing as a joint problem, as children are a common project.  I have also told him to imagine how he would feel if it was just me that had a problem, and he has realised that he certainly would not be blaming me etc, so I have tried to get him to understand that I dont blame him for the situation we are in.  All you can do is explain that to him, and then try and trust that he can deal with it, cos you shouldn't feel that you can't tell him how you are feeling.

I have also gone through wondering if DH needs more of a support network, but in the end I have concluded (and also heard from girls on here the same thing) that men dont seem to need such a network of support for some reason.  I think I was assuming he was keeping loads in that he should let out, but he is actually feeling quite pragmatic about it all.  Maybe that is because we have now started treatment, and so we can focus on that rather than on the 'omg we may never have children' thing.  If you feel that your DH should have someone else to talk to, you could suggest counselling, but I know that a lot of men would shy away from that.

Posting on here and reading other people's posts has really helped me, so I hope it can be some comfort on your own IVF journey, too.

Be kind to yourself and dont beat yourself up about how you are feeling, as you have a lot on your plate. 

Keep us posted how you are doing.

CLarey xxx


----------



## erialc (Mar 21, 2007)

Hi Clarey

Yes it's Claire not erialc you sussed me out and i though i was sooo clever 

Your very right this is a joint problem for me and DH and i've always seen it as this, we have always gone to every appointment and test as a couple even in the early stages. I am always telling him that we are in this together as i don't just want a baby, i want a baby with him.

perhaps i am worrying about him needing support to much, maybe men just deal with it differently. 

You are right about being off work having a depressing effect, i'm starting to get cabin fever! Although i do find my job very difficult at the moment as i'm constantly working with children and babies, not good when you are feeling alittle low. It's not the sort of job you can switch off either.


I've found this website really helpful, just being able to talk to someone in the same postion is fantastic as i don't even feel like i need to explain how i'm feeling because every one understands the feelings first hand. Can't believe how supportive everyone is. 

Thankyou all


Claire x


----------



## DizziSquirrel (Feb 15, 2005)

Hi Claire 

Glad the FF magic is reaching you hun     

I know giving up work is just what is needed sometimes but to avoid cabin fever setting in what about a few hours voluntry work 

Youve had some great replies so If you have any more Questions or need any help just yell!

Wishing you Friendship  &    


~Dizzi~


----------



## Clareybob (Mar 4, 2007)

Hi Claire, 
I sussed out the Erialc thing, cos when small I used to 'encode' my name as Eralc when writing secret messages to my brother divaD (hehe) , so I recognised it, even tho u have an 'i' !   

Poor you, with your work being all about young children at a time when that's difficult....  I hope you do find something good to do with your time.  I'm going to find out about CAB volunteering, and also conservation work in the area.  (BCTV website has lots of regional groups listed, if that's your cup of tea).

Keep us posted on how everything goes.

Clarey xxx


----------



## beckyb (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi Claire

we also have MF we only found out a month ago when DP semen analysis came back with zero result. we have 1st appt with a bupa urologist next monday.  

weve had all the same conversations I keep telling him it's not his problem it's our problem,  we both want a baby not just me. Ive told him that we are not using the words fault or blame as it is noones fault or blame it's just bad luck.  

my 21 day progest just came back fine with a really good result,  in a way it's made it worse,  I see it as good thing that if tests show DP is producing sperm then at least we have a good chance with ivf either with his or with a donor if we go that route.  but he is seeing it other way,  it's just confirmed to him that the reason we havent got a baby yet is down to him (his words not mine).  

he has told his dad and brother and boss at work what is happening, but he doesn't want me to tell my parents or friends, his brother has only just got married so his parents dont have any grandchildren so he says they wont know what their missing, ,  mine have 3 one of which is my 13 yr DD.  he thinks he is going to look bad in their eyes, they wont see him in the same way.  it's absolute rubbish they love him, they hated my ex husband.  I have to respect his wishes  but it's so hard not being able to talk about it to someone.  weve ended up having silly little rows over absolute nothing this week.

this site is a lifesaver,  i'm havign a really bad down day today just cant seem to stop the tears and looking after my 3 yr old nephew isn't helping much.

I can understand the feeling anxious, just remember youre not alone

becky x


----------



## AFLAO (Nov 12, 2005)

Hi and Welcome,

Well Done using the site before commencement of treatment. There's a very good resource called the Infertility Roller Coaster by Steve Sonsino. Stick it in Google. My husband and I saw him talk at the Infertility Day last year and he was absolutely fantastic. He also has a dvd out. 

Good Luck,

Spelthy xx


----------



## erialc (Mar 21, 2007)

Hi Becky

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so down, it seems to come in waves for me, i'm fine for weeks then i'm really down for weeks. Try to stay positive perhaps you will get good results from the tests. My DH wouldn't really acknowledge that there was a problem until we had all the tests done. I think that my DH won't tell his parents for the same reason as he thinks they will see him differently or be disappointed in some way, which again is rubbish. His brother has two little boys and i know he defiantly doesn't want him to know. 

Perhaps they just need time to deal with it in their own way, maybe once they come to terms with it themselves things will be different.

I have told my parents as i really need their support and as this is happening to us both i decided that i had every right to make that decision. MY DH respects this and it fine withem knowing but not his parents.

Be kind to yourself,

big hugs 

Claire xxx


----------



## sharonm (Feb 21, 2007)

Hi Claire - well we are another couple that had been trying to conceive for (many) years only to find out dh had a blockage.  My DH wasnt bothered about it at all - one of those things! - anyhow, the WORST part of IVF that we have found is all the waiting in between appointments - once you actually sign the papers (all being well) you are lead on in theatre having your eggs transferred b4 you even know it!  The only procedure your dh has to endure now is another small op to retreive the semen, then all being well in the lab - its down to you.  We have always looked at it as a joint effort - never ever have either of us blamed each other.  My dh told his parents what the 'problem' was, but there really wasnt any need to tell anyone else.  I have found this site just sooooo suportive in my 2ww I really dont know what I would of done without it.

All the best with the waiting

Sharon x


----------



## beckyb (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi Claire

noticed your Hampshire based  we are on the borders of surrey/hampshire  where are you havin tx

becky


----------



## erialc (Mar 21, 2007)

Hi Becky

We where first nhs at frimley park  Mr Nearger (urologist)but now have been refereed privately to Woking Nutfield under Andrew Riddle. We are also still using Mr Nearger privately for the ssr. How about you?



Claire xxx


----------



## erialc (Mar 21, 2007)

Hi Sharon
Congratulations i am feeling more and more positive since i have joined this site, i think it's firstly because everyone is so supportive of each other and secondly because i hear of success stories like yours. It's also taught me alot of what to expect and now feel like i am working with the ivf rather than just having it done to me. I think the more info i have the more in controle i feel, well as in controle as i can be of a situation  that is out of my controle. I think this has taught me what a controle freak i am ha ha!  

look after yourself!

Big Hugs

Claire x


----------



## beckyb (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi Claire.

we are seeing a Urologist through DP's work Bupa membership  at Frimley Park on monday.  Bupa have said they will cover DP for investigations through to diagnosis.  Mr Bruce Montgomery is th guy we are seeing  he also works out of Clare park hospital in Farnham.

I'm not sure after that where we would end up for tx,  GP seems a bit peeved we didn't tell him straight away we had BUPA.

becky


----------

