# No man, no problems?



## Miss Scarlett (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi ladies

I have taken the decision to have a child alone, I am perfectly happy with this decision, however something inside makes me sad that the hopes I had when I was younger of the traditional marriage, house, good career and then children have completely been lost. I am struggling to get my head round it as I am not saying by having a child alone that I don’t want to have a man in my life ever.  

My decision was taken as I was not prepared to wait any longer for a man, who might never arrive, after waiting for my previous partner to come round to the idea and then we split, I refuse to go through that again.  However I guess I am scared that I might never meet anyone and just by taking the decision to have a child alone, doesn’t mean i want to actually be alone but question whether future possible partners would be put off that I chose this route and am a single mother.  

One thing i am sure of is I know that this child who i desperately want will always always come first and was so wanted and no man will ever be put first before them but i just wonder if i will ever met someone prepared to take me on with a child.  I also have the worry that i purposely depriving a child of a father by using donor sperm!

Anyone else feel like that?

MS x


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Miss Scarlett,

I went through the exact mental process you defined early in my choice.  I also can pop in and out of that feeling on a weekly basis.  Today at Antenatal class I realised how I was surrounded by people who were in couples that had so much more fear and so much less experience than I did.  It made me realise that being single and pregnant means I only have to look after me.  It was lovely.  I could enjoy them and not worry about my situation. 

I have come to the conclusion at 6 months pregnant to look at the facts of how I am attractive to a potential mate when the time is right:
1. There are loads of single dads out there. I don't have the "baggage" of a partner fighting for custody.  The child is 100% mine. 
2. I will not be "desperate" to have a child as I already have one.  This is the single biggest turn off speaking to my guy friends who are still single.  Desperate women are a turn off. 
3. I like myself and feel confident in my decision.  
4. My children will come first and any mate will know that is normal or he's not the right man.  I won't settle for the wrong one. 
5. I don't feel ashamed of who I am.
6. I am solvent and made this choice having money and experience behind me.  
7. I am comfortable/self confident and assured.
8. I have a community of friends around me who I can rely on for support so I don't suck the life out of a relationship by being so needy. 
9. I've lived life to the fullest and feel fulfilled by my decision.  I have traveled the world, had a career, been married, divorced, felt heartache and pain as well as joy and |I grew up!

There are so many other things but I figure I have much more to offer a mate having worked on me, separating out the decision to have kids from having a relationship and preparing for motherhood in a more sensible way than most if not all of my friends.

I also am prepared if it's God's will that I can be alone without a love partner if that is what is meant to be.  I will always have enough love in my life with my friends and my child (ren).  

You are not alone!

Dawn


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Miss Scarlet, I completely understand where you are coming from. I left this path so long because I was basically an optimistic romantic and thought my would be partner must be just round the corner but gradually I realised that love could come at any time and babies couldn't (so much) so that's why I decided to go down this route. I still miss having a romance in my life but am not desperate to have a relationship - having a baby has certainly calmed my need for that and who knows how much that need was tied up with the idea of finding the man to have a child with. As a single mum I am much less tolerant of having bad dates - after all I'll have had to book a babysitter to be there and I could be snuggled with my little one rather than having a bad date so for me I'm definitely in a better place emotionally and practically when I do start thinking about dating again. I'm also much more protective of myself (as I'm a mum and have that extra duty of care to only bring healthy lovely people into my life) so again that's a great starting point to be looking for a relationship when you feel ready again. If you're happy and fulfilled too by having your precious family that's also much more attractive. Initially too and for a while the close physical contact and love you get from and return to your little one means that need to be loved and love in return is pretty much fulfilled so I suspect your worry/needs on that account too will diminished when LO is here  Having said that romance and closeness with another adult is obviously a wonderful thing but as I say plenty of time for that without the pressure/demands of a new baby too. I often think it must be really hard to have a baby in a couple as the emotional demands of a baby couldn't help but put a strain on any relationship. 

Loved everything you said Dawn and completely agree. Being a single mum is hard in lots of ways but there are so many plus points too and love will come when we're ready I hope. See I'm still a romantic optimist but at least I'm no longer a singular one  Miss Scarlett hope you can resolve your worries about man vs baby and that our words help. 

Love and hugs Felix xx


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Oh my goodness I have just typed a really long reply and lost it! So this is a much summarised version!

Just, really, to confirm what Felix and Dawn have said. I came to this decision after a very long decade of a couple of bad relationships (and a whole load of other stuff) and the realisation that the Hollywood myth of happiness ever after with one man is just that… a myth! I know of one couple who have achieved that (my parents) and after the separation this summer of the last of my friends who I did always think had a good thing going I realise how incredibly rare that is (my friend said the marriage had never been good and they had spent over 20 years pretending that it had). 

I think that from the age of 30 when I knew I would go it alone, to actually doing it (I'm 41), I was grieving the loss of the dream of the ideal man and the happy marriage. Lots of experiences helped me do that – going out with a consultant psychiatrist who spent all day treating people with relationship problems (that seems to be the single biggest reason for needing the help of a psychiatrist); seeing a counsellor who had concluded that the only difference between single women and women in relationships was that the single women were searching for Mr Right and the women in relationships had settled for Mr He Will Do; noticing that the attention I was getting from married men, the older I got, was increasing dramatically. All these happy marriages eh?! I didn’t ever have an affair but numbers of men wanting to play away from home just showed me what a state marriage is in generally. 

Re the not having a dad issue… I struggled with this for a very long time especially as I have always had an excellent relationship with my Dad.  I talked it through with my GP (who is of the view that single women who choose this path often make a better job of parenting than couples in bad relationships) and he was very supportive. He just asked me how old my dad is and then said (and I will never forget the impact this had) “let him be a granddad”. I cried! But I also realised at that moment that fathers and father figures come in all shapes and sizes and that any child I have through this path may not have a close biological father, but certainly will have very close and loving relationships with the important men in my life. 

The final thing that confirmed my decision to me was the statement I got from the donor I chose. In it he describes his own experiences as a child and outlines the values that are most important to him. From what he wrote (and it still makes me cry when I read it) I knew that if ever my child (should I have one) decides to seek out his/her biological father, they will almost certainly be warmly welcomed. The rest is up to me – and I have never felt so excited by a decision in my life!

I wish you all the luck in the world. I don’t think it will be a particularly easy path, but the depth of self-knowledge you acquire, the way it expands and enhances your relationships with the close friends and family you confide in and the confidence it gives you just to make the decision will help you every step of the way.

T x


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## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

Well said Tommi, just saved me a hec of a lot of typing  . 
I can honestly say I'm really not that bothered by the absence of a man in my life. In fact I'm beginning to think I only ever really wanted one in order to have a child  . I do wish E had a daddy. But I have witnessed so many destructive/abusive/failing marriages through work and friends that I realise it's certainly not the answer to a life long happy ever after. My brother has a lovely wife and daughter and I'm jealous of the support they can give each other. It must be wonderful to share those moments of your LO growing up day to day. E tried to breast feed her toy rabbit in Sainsbury's today and there's no one to tell (well except you lot of course  ). "I think I have a little bit of milk in my booboo's mummy" Shouted very loudly whilst shoving said rabbit down her top  .
I'd never say never, but the thought of meeting someone now is really scary! and the thought that E might form a bond with someone only to have it broken is horrible  
I agonised over the 'purposely depriving a child of a father'. The day does come when your LO asks 'why haven't I got and daddy' and says 'I wish I had a daddy'. It's them we really have to justify our choices to and so far E has been happy with my answers.
Good luck 
Upsyxxx


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## helen1975 (Sep 21, 2011)

Hey All

I too decided to 'go it alone'.  I have a 2 year old son now and have to say it was the best decision I have ever made!  For all of the reasons you have all mentioned already!  It doesnt mean I dont want to find a partner, although relationships dont seem to like me lol!  I just didnt want to go through life regretting not having my own child whereas I have my whole life to find 'Mr Right' and as my granny used to tell me...'Helen what's for you will not go past you'.  I was referred to Ninewells in Dundee by my GP, and all in all from the decision to try  to the  birth of my Son it was about 2 years.  I had lots of time to think about how I would tell my wee one - although even now I go through moments of terror when I think about what he might think of it all, if I did the right thing for him etc, but I only need to look at how happy he is and know I made the right choice.

I would go through it all again in a heartbeat!


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## lizch (Jul 12, 2011)

Hey there

I'm completely with you also on this area. I had always envisaged being married and kids, and next week I'm going it alone for the 1st time though IUI as I'm stil single. its not through want of trying to find a suitable OH, however what was posted earlier is also true, the pressure is off anyone new as you will have your child and men can be put off by this.

I can't really say any more than has already been said

It is a tough decision but at least I will have hopefully a little one at the end of it, and it shows just how strong us women are!

I'm here if you have any questions!
L


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Girls
I totally agree with all that was said.
I've come to the end of my tether where men are concerned, well as soon as we get into a committed relationship we really put all our 'eggs in one basket' and the guy may or may not be on board with out dreams for a family.

So I am currently putting the 'Four Man Plan' into action (google it, the book is amazing!) whilst shopping for a co-parent to my child. The dream of the perfect guy is still there in the back of my mind, but I refuse to be 'desperate' and I may meet him when I'm 40 or I may not, but at least I'll be a mummy.

Let's keep each other updated!


x


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Miss Scarlett
Reading your post was like reading my own thoughts. I felt exactly the same way when I decided to go it alone, but now I have come to accept that I may never meet the love of my life, but then you b=never know, in years to come I may do just that. What I do know is that my feelings about becoming a mum are so much stronger than holding on to that fairytale idea of meeting a man means that I would regret never trying to have a child of my own.

Besides, the next man I meet might take up 2 years of my life and I could still be no closer to being a mum.

SMC


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