# Maybe moving on



## Sam2995 (Apr 26, 2005)

Hi ladies,

This is my first post on this board and that is a big step in itself I think.  Firstly can I say to you all that I am sorry you have to be here.  We are finally beginning to realise that we should be here too.  I have been ttc for 4 years and had several ops, several months on clomid,1 IUI, 5 IVFs - all BFN.  Then I miraculously, even cruelly I know think, fell pregnant naturally only to miscarrying.  I had just got to the point where I realised it wasn't going to happen and I got that BFP and all this new hope appeared.  That was in February but now after all these years I have met a doctor who has dared to tell me that it just isn't going to happen and all because my lining is too thin.

Still the thought of giving up on my dream is really hard.  Would like to hear about how all you ladies have come to that decision, if you have, and how you knew the time was right. Any regrets?  I'm open to the idea of either adoption or surrogacy but don't know if they are possible.  All I know is that I have lost all hope of having a baby myself and yet can't bear the thought of not getting that baby.

How are you all coping?  I'm just hoping to make some new friends here to be honest because my life has been so full of online friends on the ttc boards that I will be lost without them and this in itself makes it hard to stop.

Sam


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## lisa.m (Mar 31, 2006)

sam, i am sooo sorry you ve had to join us, i dont mean that in a horrible way but any one posting on this thread means they are dealing with the heart ache of trying to accept life with out a child of their own. i only joined about a month ago so im proberly not the best person to give advice as i am still trying to get my head round not having children and to tell the truth i havent yet accepted it yet (not sure if i ever will, to be honest!) but if its a friend your after i can certainly be that, i dont know how i would have coped with out this site, it is full of wonderful ladies all helping each other, i cant thank them enough for the support they have given me over the past month,and you right, it is a HUGE step posting on here, (it took me weeks to finaly write)
take care
lisa x x x x x x


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## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Morning Sam and Lisa

Sam, There are lots of lovely ladies on this site that will help you through the next few weeks or whenever you need us. If it wasnt for these ladies I think I would have gone mad a long time ago.
If you read through some of the other post you will see we all have different ways of coping, but we can all bring new things to the post, so thats how we get through some really rough days.
I am so sorry what you have been through. My story so far, I was coming into my thirties when I was told I had premature ovarian failure, or better known as early menopause, the only way I would have children is by egg donation. We went on the waiting list, but decided to take our names off and live child free, it was the biggest decision of our lives. Sometimes I think Ive made the wrong choice, thats my bad days, but some how I get through these and its made easier that the ladies are here when I get upset or really down. But on my good days I know that the decision was right and those days are getting more and more over time.

I see that you would like to try for adoption or surrogacy, I think you need to have a good look into these options, you need to know all the avenues open to you to make a clear choice ( if there is such a thing )
I am glad you found us and I know some of the other ladies would like to welcome you to.  We do alot of that on this site.

Lisa.m how are you? Hope you are doing fine.

Sending you both big   Chat soon

karen


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

hi sam
I'm so sorry to hear of your journey so far  
I can only echo what the others have said, and give you a very warm welcome. Its really great that you are open to other avenues for the future..We are all at different stages I think - but you will get lots of support here, the girls are F.A.B.
love ruby xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Sam
Welcome onto the thread and I along with all the other girls, agree it takes alot of guts to post on here...When i first posted it was like someone else writing the post for me and it was a very surreal situation. It was if i needed to do it to see things in black and white. I hope that doesn't sound as if this is how you felt, but i do understand the anxiety that comes with posting on this board...
All i can say is Sam you have come to a place where we can support you through your difficult times. We all have different histories, but we all understand that loss that comes with not having our own child..
I hope this does not sound patronising, but i see this place as a place to grieve and to be able to share all your feelings along with the down and good days...and its only temperary before you are strong enough to make other decisions...
I can see that you have had a very difficult time over the years with the added sadness of miscarrying. That in itself must be the biggest loss and hardest thing to deal with ontop of the infertility and treatment that you have endured...
I think it must be very hard to accept things when you are also coping with the loss of many dreams and hopes that you had expereinced earlier this year..there are alot of girls on here that can support you through this pain as they have also faced similiar losses...
From a personal experience i beleive its about taking one day at a time, i also beleive that these emotions need to be addressed, before maybe moving onto something in the future??...it will make you stronger and you never know what your future may bring...
This place is like getting off a bus for a while....getting yourself together...sharing time with your partner and family...learning to laugh again...and putting a jigzaw puzzle together about your future...
Thinking of you and i hope that you can find some peace in with us...
lots of love astridxxxxx

Lisa......your comments are so valid, it doesn't matter how long it has been because you are in a position to understand the real rawness of this...and you are such a great support already...your comments are so heartfelt and i was so touched..xxxxxxx
Karen...i think you are one brave person and i can only begin to imagine the tough days that you have to expereince...xxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dear Sam

I'm so glad you were able to post your message to us here. I know how hard it must have been, so I'm sending you a massive hug and as you can already see, the other lovely ladies here have welcomed you with open arms and said some very sensible things.

As Astrid has said although our journeys have all been very different we share a common bond here in that future ttc is more than likely over for us. You asked how did we each reach that desicion? For me there were 2 main pointers, one being we had already been through as much as we could bear and also that my eggs aren't anything like what they used to be. Of course our clinic offered us ICSI as an alternative, but we had already decided we had spent too much of our lives together losing babies and attempting or waiting to attempt further possible pregnancies. In total we had been ttc for 13 years, so to be able to decide 'enough, no more' and walk away from it was a way of us gaining back a bit of control, in the world of IF and loss where all control is taken away from you.

There are no easy ways to deal with any of this Sam. Its very much one day at a time and remembering to breathe. Rest assured you are not on your own with your thoughts and feelings any more, the ladies here have been my lifesaver at times. No matter how hard its been for me this past year their wit, wisdom and hugs have certainly given me a better quality of life - and I hope we can all do the same for you.

IF is something that never goes away. I have lovely pals who have adopted who have never gotten over their IF, but have learned to live with it in their own way, as I have begun to try and do and as you will one day too. Rest assured that no matter what other options you seek, we will always be here for you too.

Take care, sending my love to you and all the other special ladies.
Emcee xxx


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## Sam2995 (Apr 26, 2005)

Lisa, Karen, Ruby, Astrid, Emcee.  Thank you so much for your warm welcome.  I cannot begin to tell you how much it has helped.  I really feel like I have turned a corner by posting on this board and it doesn't seem so wrong at the moment.  Posting here was the first step but I haven't yet told my old FF ttc pals that we have made the decision to end our ttc days.  That seems so hard and final somehow, though obviously they know we have been considering it.  I've made some good friends on FF over the years but don't feel I can continue posting with others cycling at this moment because that would be too hard.  So it was very reassuring to receive the warm welcome here.

I know that the next step for me is for dh and I to sit down properly and talk things through.  Lately most of our conversations about the IF situations have ended in rows but we both seem to have come separately to the conclusion that we have had enough.  The final step for me to to be absolutely sure that I have done everything I can and I think I have.  I know we will never be able to totally rule out the "what ifs" but that's life isn't it.  Where we go from here though is a different matter.  We have spent so long having our lives dictated by medical appointments that I am going to feel quite lost without them.  I don't know about the rest of you but when I was cycling (IVF) I used to get quite a high out of it because for a little while I was always sure it would work.

Mainly though I am scared I am going to be envious of anyone I pass on the street with 2.4 kids.

Sam


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Sam
Its so hard especially when you have made friends on the website. I am still friends with girls who are going through tx, but at first it wasn't easy..
I used to feel that i was on a different road and a blind one at that...my hopes and dreams were becoming very different from my friends and that left me in limbo...
But you will find that path and friendship with them if its meant to be?
The most important thing for me was not to feel alone...when i discovered the girls on here it helped me immensely through my own journey...the love and support has been huge...
I am just so glad that you found the strength to post here....
I understand your concerns about meeting friends seeing 2.4 families...yep not easy, but you can come on here and voice those feelings...Its a place where you can be honest and to discover eventually where you are going from here..
thinking of you...
love astridxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Only getting to this now Sam- welcome and i hope you feel at home here and can post when you are in need of friendship!!

You dont have to leave your ff friends behind if you can cope with their good news! I still visit a lot of the boards and offer advice when i can- makes me feel useful if i can help out!! We will all be here for you when you need us to be!!!xxx


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## Sam2995 (Apr 26, 2005)

Hi again, yes I hope I will be able to keep all my old friends at FF.  Probably just have to stay away for a while while we come to terms with our decision.  Have booked a holiday so we can pamper ourselves for a change.  Will be back in contact on our return.

Sam


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi sam
have a lovely holiday...you both deserve it...

love astridx


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