# A question for those that attend church



## Flow13

We are members of church and involved in the youth work there.  We have many friends, and always feel so at home at church.
When my oh has his vas reversal, we told a few close friends and asked them to pray for us. This was in Feb 2009. 
Since then no-one at church has ever approached us, or mentioned anything to us, about how everything is going etc.
I was wondering, do any of you speak to anyone at church about IF/struggling with IF?  Is my experience a normal one?xxx


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## seemedlike4eva

hi there, 
we're heavily involved in church too, and actively took the decision not to share our IF journey with the church family. I'm sure folks must be suspicious why, after 12 years of marriage, there has been no child. We knew beforehand that we would need at least donor sperm, and now using double donor, we didn't want to end up in any ethical battles.
I often wonder if we'd been more open, and had everyone praying, then would it have worked....?
It's hard, isn't it? 
   for you!


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## Flow13

It is hard.  
Sometimes I long to talk to someone - I have hubby, but I don't want to burden him with too much either.  However, I also don't want to talk to anyone as its such a personal and private thing. Sometimes I end up talking to myself. lol. x


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## Wraakgodin

you can always talk to us, Flow!

I went to church when I lived in the UK but have yet to find one over here, not sure which one to chose as there isn´t a CofE option, and found a lot people over here are not welcoming to foreigners so a bit unsure about going to one anyway.  

Sue


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## Flow13

I think even when I don't post on here, but just read its a huge help. 

That feeling of being alone goes away for a while. 

I hope you find a church soon. xxx


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## seemedlike4eva

I'm always up for a chat too.
The immediate family know about our situation, but I don't like sharing the really intimate stuff with them cos all of them have kids, and I don't want to sour the relationships. The one close friend who was going through this, for the past 13 years finally had her miracle baby in the summer. I feel guilty every time I set foot in Church with my false face on, but God knows my heart.
I do rant at DH, because he is the only there that I can, apart from that it's my wonderful buddies on here. 
In Church this morning I had a random cuddle from a toddler who waddled over to me with her arms out, so lovely but painful at the same time. At least with no-one knowing, then you don't get pitying looks from everyone each time you interact with a child.
Our life is very blessed, but the aching void of IF is still there x


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## JuliHiffins

Flow13 said:


> We are members of church and involved in the youth work there. We have many friends, and always feel so at home at church.
> When my oh has his vas reversal, we told a few close friends and asked them to pray for us. This was in Feb 2009.
> Since then no-one at church has ever approached us, or mentioned anything to us, about how everything is going etc.
> I was wondering, do any of you speak to anyone at church about IF/struggling with IF? Is my experience a normal one?xxx


When I lost my baby at 16 weeks, we told our church about this, and nobody ever asked how I was doing, said prayers for us or even offered condolences. So about a month later, I contacted the church office and told them exactly what I thought about them. I have no regrets for anything I said.

So I left that church, and am now attending a new church.

That happened about a year and a half ago, and since then I've occasionally ran into a few church members from that old church, here and there, and they behaved spitefully towards me - which just confirms that I made the right decision in leaving their church.


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## nikki76

It's probably depending on the priests
Every time I had a mc my priest blessed me and even did a special prayer for my womb to get better!
He proposed ivf, told me sometimes things happen for a reason, we all have a cross to carry...did special prayers for me and told me not to be afraid, God is with me
My priest is a lovely man, don't know what I'd do without him 

Happy new year xxx


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## -Susan-

JuliHiffins said:


> That happened about a year and a half ago, and since then I've occasionally ran into a few church members from that old church, here and there, and they behaved spitefully towards me - which just confirms that I made the right decision in leaving their church.


That's terrible behaviour from Christians! What happened to Christian love, forgiveness and acceptance?

I have chosen not to make my treatment public knowledge in my church. I'm different from you ladies in that I'm trying to avoid a genetic disorder, which has its controversies in itself, but my father is an elder in the church and I don't want to put him in an awkward position with those who inevitably would disagree with my treatment. I come from a church that was formally a traditional brethren (not a closed brethren but had 'conservative' views) and still has some of those individuals in the church who generally speaking don't approve of such things and would be very vocal about it. I have however told a couple of relatives and a couple of friends who I knew would be understanding and supportive. I think sometimes it can be very awkward for people to ask how you're getting on etc, reproduction is usually considered a private and intimate matter.

Seemslike4eva, I don't believe you not telling people, who then couldn't pray for you, would result in a failed cycle. God will understand your reasons, and I don't believe he would punish you for it by failing your treatment. Sometimes these things just happen, and we don't know why. God does sometimes present us all with challenges we don't want to face but which can strengthen our faith and teach us lessons about him, life and faith, but he never gives us challenges we can't deal with without his support.

I'm so sorry your treatment didn't work. xx


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## StephyC

I was speaking at a women's conference at my local Church, and knew God was challenging me to open up about my journey... I argued for about 2 months with Him about it. On the day, because I was speaking about the walls we build around ourselves keeping us distant from family, friends, and God Himself, I ended up sharing what I was struggling with - which was really hard, as I'd had to have the HSG the week prior to the conference, and one of the zillion blood tests, the week after the conference. Before I shared it, I specifically asked that no one would come up to me and talk to me about it, as it was a very raw situation for me and I didn't want to have a hundred women come to "encourage" me!! 

Since then, I had one lady share with me how she struggled for 5 years, then had one daughter, but wasn't able to have any more children. Another lady spoke with me and told me her and her husband had been TTC for 15 years..! I've also had the one or two "encouragers" who were like, "God will give you your heart's desire.. I see you with twins" and the classic, "I had a dream, and you were in it holding your baby" from a lady I don't really know, so don't really trust or accept her "prophesy"... is that the wrong attitude?? I have found that when Christian's have spoken to me, they are not always sure what to say, so say something which they think is encouraging, not realising how many times I have heard it, or that it hurts. 

It was a hard decision for me to take, to be so open about what I was going through, but I know there are people who are praying for hubby n me, even though they may not always ask me how we are doing. Plus it has also stopped the prying questions, "when are you going to have a baby" from random people. 

Churches seem to collect hurt people who don't always know how to be when they are faced with a challenging situation which threatens their view of God, and let's be honest, infertility has the potential to threaten our view of God sometimes (or is it just me). So, this may help to explain why you don;t get asked how you are doing - because people don't know how to respond... but it is, sadly, quite normal. 

I pray the Lord will bring someone alongside you, who you can be real with, and who will check in with you on a regular basis Flow13... it can be such a lonely journey at times!

Sending you a   xxx


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## seemedlike4eva

Thank you, Susan, for that reassurance, and good to know that there are others who choose not to disclose certain areas to the church family as a whole.
Well done, Stephy, for having the courage and obedience to speak openly. I'm doing some ministry training, and will progressively speak more in church, and at meetings. So far, I haven't been speaking on anything related - or where it would be appropriate - but none of us knows what lies ahead!
Nikki, what a blessing to have such an understanding priest.
Julie, it is so sad when people have to leave churches because the members lack care and compassion, I'm glad you have somewhere more understanding now.
Flow, hope you're doing OK 
Hi Wraakgodin!
Well, we're on the rollercoaster again.....I'm taking estrofem to 'prime' my uterus, and synch me with our wonderful donor, just waiting to finalise dates to complete cycle. Any prayers appreciated!


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## StephyC

seemslike4eva, I am praying for you as you wait on dates. May you know the peace of our Lord Jesus as your body is being prepared... May you know His upholding of you, strengthening you and just loving on you, during this procedure.



xx


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## Ginplease

Hi there

Can I join in?  I moved recently, and although I've been attending a church regularly,  I've not made friends in the same way affiliated my last Church.

We had a mc recently, and asked for prayers after the service. The prayers were lovely and really helped. But I could see the couple flinch when I mentioned ivf, and they prayed for me to get pregnant naturally. Don't get me wrong, I would love to get pregnant naturally again. But I really believe God gave us medicine to help us, including ivf.

Anyway, it all left me feeling a little down. I'd like to be able to talk to people at church and recieve prayer as we go through ivf. But I'm unsure about doing so now.


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## StephyC

Hi Ginplease,

I am so sorry to hear you had a mc recently, devastating - I pray you know the sense of love and comfort we find in the Lord.  

The thing is, which I have found, is that different people have different views of IVF. We would all love to get pregnant naturally, as God intended it - and the idea of IVF seems to many to be an act of "playing God" because of the way it is done. But you are on the journey with your husband - not this other couple. You have to make the decisions you believe the Lord is leading you to make because at the end of the day, only you and your husband know what God is saying to you in your situation. I know what decisions I have had to make, and I recently had a "crisis of faith" when I was about to start taking Clomid - was I showing a lack of faith?? A friend reassured me that God uses scientific breakthroughs and medication to work His plans out (Turns out I am allergic to Clomid so that path has now ended   ).

Find the place of peace in God's plans for you both and then follow them whole-heartedly. Ask Him to show you another couple who can stand with you in your journey, who will pray for you and support you at every stage. No one can fully understand what you are going through - but those of us who are on the same path have a little more understanding than those who have never been on this path. 

Don't let the actions of others pull you down, you've some tough days ahead, and need all the encouragement you can get. May the Lord encourage you and bring reassurance of the plans and purposes He has for you. I ray He will make His ways clear to you so that you may follow them in the full confidence of knowing you are in the very centre of the palm of His hand.  

Hope you find the support you need soon  

x


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## CGSM74

Hi ladies,

Can I join this too ? Both DH and I are Christian and our faith has really sustained us through this time. It has also made us so much stronger !!

We have only just found a new church so no one there knows about our IVF ! However we are so blessed to have some wonderful Christian friends and all our families praying for us. It's such a tough time and having that support has been invaluable !

Ginplease - so sorry to hear about your mc. Unfortunately people don't really understand IVF.

Thank God I have found this thread too !!!!

Lots of love and blessings to all of you
Christina

Xxxxxx


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## seemedlike4eva

Hello Stephy, Gin and Christina,
It's always lovely when fellow Christians post,  although not lovely to be in pain, it's good to have the support of others walking  the same path.
I will pray for your journey , to feel the Father's arms upholding you x


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## Passenger42

Hi


Just a quick note for Stephy


If you cannot take clomid due to allergy, try asking about Letrozole.  My consultant says it gets better results than clomid and I found the side effects much less unpleasant than clomid.


I also think that God wishes us to make full use of medical science and even with IVF its only the strong embryos that survive and implant, I am so grateful to my donor for her wonderful gift.


Passenger x


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## CGSM74

Hi ladies,

Sorry it's been a while but life has been tough. The BFN after all that hope has been really tough and not sure i have coped with it. Mostly just seem to ignore it or fall to pieces. Terrified of going though it all again but can't contemplate not trying again.

We have our follow up appointment on the 24th and dreading all the negative comments again. Looking at other clinics now - like ARGC in London as they seem to have excellent rates and more individual treatment. So more things to consider !!

Hope you are all doing well
Xxxxxx


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## seemedlike4eva

Christina, sorry you have been through a tough time. If you look under the Negative Cycle section there is a thread called 'BFN veterans'. Everyone there knows the pain of multiple BFNs, and are incredibly supportive, plus some ladies cycling at ARGC, I have been really supported there, and they may have some advice for you re clinics.
Update from me - had a scan this morning, 1 baby with heartbeat, so thankful for the prayers of family and friends.


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## CGSM74

Thanks seemslike4va ! I will check out the links.

And a massive congratulations on your amazing news ! Will be praying for a healthy and happy pregnancy 

Xxxxx


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## emma-pp

Dear All in this thread..

I am a christian and I have a daughter from IVF - as you can see from my signature after many years of BFNs and treatment and loosing twins at nearly 5 months. Never have I considered the little loving beauty in our lives and the beautiful twins we held in our arms and had a funeral for a few days later, anything but Gods will - PLEASE if your church members are making you feel anything but supported, then find a new Church if you can.

God is love, find strength from your prayers and surround yourself with loving people. In every walk of life - church, work, friends - there will always be those who do not have a kind heart. Feel sorry for them. Pray for them. 

Also don't feel you have to share your journey with your church, like friends and work, it is OK to keep it private as well, if that is what YOU want.

xxxx


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