# Trying for a sibling - how do you prepare yourself?



## mrs_ixy (Jul 16, 2010)

Hello ladies

I used to post on FF a lot, but haven't been on for ages as tx has been quite far from my mind.

We have male factor issues and were incredibly lucky to have a biological child in January 2013. She is amazing and we are so thankful for her. I joined an NCT antenatal class and have met some great friends that way, although I don't think any of them understand what it is like to always have the thought in the back of your mind that your first might be your only. It is impossible for us to conceive naturally, so our ability to have another depends entirely on money, time (we're both nearly 40) and luck. I think we spent nearly £11k getting our daughter and she was worth every penny, but trying for another isn't a decision I would take lightly.

A lot of my NCT friends are talking about second babies now. I find this talk a bit difficult because I feel on the outside of it the whole time; I can't really join in. One girl has already had a second child and another is pregnant. So I am starting to feel sad/guilty that I might not be able to give DD a sibling. We have one embryo frozen but I know it might not survive the thaw. We have some sperm frozen too and part of me would like to try one last throw of that dice if an FET is unsuccessful. But how do you prepare yourself emotionally for all this? When I think of DD possibly being an only I don't feel sad for myself, but for her, in case she is ever lonely. When she's older and we go on holiday, for example, will she be bored with just us for company? I had a sister and although we did fight sometimes (best of friends now) I cannot imagine what my childhood would have been like without her. My dad was an only child and when his parents got older, there was no-one to help him look after them. I think about things like that, too.

One of my NCT friends was even a little unsure about as second child but swaying towards on wanting one because she wanted a sibling for her daughter and also because she felt it was "expected". I do feel this pressure.

And then I think: how on earth do people cope with two? What does that do to your relationship with your partner and also your firstborn? Do you ever have any time for yourself and as a couple? Will a dogged pursuit of a sibling be damaging for our little family? And so on. 

My vague plan was to do FET next spring (have to give up breastfeeding first and then wait 3 months - also, quite fancy a drink at Christmas and New Year for the first time in forever!). But I am turning quite a lot over in my head right now and would really appreciate hearing other people's views, thoughts etc.


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## Smithy2 (Jan 5, 2013)

Hi there,

I just wanted to say that I can relate to what you are saying here. We have a 6 week old daughter following our second round of IVF with ICSI and I have already started thinking about how we will go about having another, when to contact my clinic, and how that will fit in with me going back to work, at what age my daughter should be before we go ahead again, and how long it will take to save the money.

I come from a big family, and always wanted more than one child, so I definitely want to try again, but like you say, it depends on money, etc. 

It's so frustrating that some people can just say "I think I'll have another" and manage to just get pregnant, but for other such as ourselves, it takes months and even years of planning, tests, procedures and injections, all with no guarantee that it will work. 

It took us 6 years to get our daughter, we started when I was in my late 20's and now I'm in my early 30's which is another factor, I don't want to leave it too late when we have already had problems conceiving.

I think I just wanted to say that I understand really, I don't have any advice, I just wanted to relate.........

xx


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## Moragob (Apr 1, 2012)

Hi Mrs Ixy

I too am in a similar position (my daughter was born in Feb 2013 after 10 years of TTC) and have had all the same thoughts.  And as we all know time ticks past - I am now 47 so felt pressured by that as well.  I’m not really conscious of my age in any other aspect.

Once we started down the IVF route I said all along that we would try for a sibling as soon as possible if we were successful.  Our clinic said I had to wait a year and since February I have had all sorts of weird thoughts and reasons not to.  I have enjoyed this time with my daughter so immensely and I can’t imagine that I could have it all again.  I worry that if I don’t feel such overwhelming love I will be letting another child down.  I worry how she will feel when she no longer has my undivided attention, I am really scared that we won’t be so lucky again and we have agreed that only have one attempt (although if there are frosties…).  My mind just whirls and whirls all night long.  My husband also runs his own business which he expanded late last year and he is working ridiculous hours so how will we / I cope with another.  The list is endless.

But I bit the bullet and am starting again, now I have made the decision, had all the tests re-done and paid the deposit I feel much calmer and am starting to get excited about the prospect rather than feeling so scared.  My husband and I are good talkers and have talked about our feelings and fears which is helpful.  I have also just had surgery on my hand and have not been able to change a nappy or fully care for my daughter for 12 days now and we have managed.  She has been fantastic and coped really with various friends changing her and helping out so she will be fine.

I am still worried but I also think we will manage (after all everyone else does) and our daughter has bought so much joy and happiness to us I am hopeful that another child will do the same.

None of this is easy or straightforward as all of us on this forum know, but we are all also people who do not give in or give up easily.

I wish you all the best with your decision.

Morag


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,

I am lucky enough to be 16w pregnant ( from 3rd fet ) and have nearly 4 year old twins.

although this pregnancy is a singleton and it was twins last time I am finding things much tougher. Last time all I had to think about were me and babies, and work. I now have 2 little people , me and baby, and work. I can't eat my meal over 1 hour a mouthful at a time. If I feel v tired I can't just go to sleep. I can't spend weekends I'm not working curled up on the sofa, or get a catnap when I want.

I am not saying this to put you off. I am really looking forward to the new addition to my family ( tho hopefully not before feb ). But it is not a rerun of the 1st pregnancy, and is a whole lot tougher physically, and I feel guilty that I can't do the things with my kids that they would like sometimes. I felt great last time physically.  This time I feel grotty. I have also developed some gut problems I didn't have last time. 

I would advise try and make sure you have a bit of you time esp 1st 14w ( I am only now starting to feel more human) . For me the day a week when I am not working/hospital appts etc when kids at nursery for 3 hours a godsend . 
Your partner will need to do a bit more with kids if he was anything like mine and left it all to you.

I am trying to work out finances re getting a cleaner/ mothers helper for a couple of hours every week or two. There is a lot more washing than there was last time, and some help would be great.

it may not work 1st time . It took me 3 fets, the 1st with frosties from my twins cycle. I then had to decide whether I wanted to continue as it meant a different donor

you get much less support from family or friends than 1st time. Esp as I have boy/girl twins noone can understand why I want more.

Hope that helps, and good luck with completing your families. And any questions,  just ask.


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## Helen78 (Oct 17, 2010)

Hello ladies,

Hope you don't mind me joining you...

I have a DS who is 3 and a DS who is 10 months and very similar to you Mrs_ixy, I had a lovely NCT group that I saw regularly and the 1st 2nd pregnancy happened when DS1 was 9 months. The talk became about 2nd children and although DH and I had already decided we would try again as we were certain that we would like more than one I had the fear of what if we aren't so lucky again. Then I moved onto the fear of what if its really difficult and DS1 feels less special etc.

However, as soon as DS2 arrived I knew it would be fine. I won't lie its not always easy when they are both demanding something at the same time but I wouldn't change the decision. No 2 just fits in and its not the same for him as the 1st and things are more hurried and sometimes we drop DS1 at pre school and DS2 has rice krispies in his hair and hes still in his PJ's but its fine. I know when I see how they look at each other and how caring DS1 is to DS2 and how determinedly DS2 tries to steal DS1's biscuit out of his hand that they will be good friends!

Not sure if that makes things better or worse but I think you have to do what feels right for you and your family. 

Best of luck whatever you decide  

H xxx


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

Hiya Mrs_ixy 

I can relate to a lot of what you have said.

There are a lot of "maybe you're pregnant!" comments being chucked back and forth between people in my baby groups in response to completely innocent comments so it's clearly starting to play on people's minds that we should all be thinking about siblings.

I'm going to start in the spring and my survival plan is to come to terms with the very likely probability of only having one child and then holding on to her tightly throughout.

I don't worry so much about how we'd cope with a second child because you just get through it, don't you. My relationship with my daughter is ever evolving anyway and she does love other children so I think she'd be a brilliant bug sister. In the long term they can play together to free up more time for me and hubby because one on one play with mummy is so time consuming.

My long term plan is to have a FET and then cycle as much as possible during 2015 and if it doesn't work, that's the end of it. I don't want IVF to be lingering over us forever more xx


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## waterlily01 (Jan 23, 2011)

Hi Mrs ixy,

Thank you for putting all my thoughts and fears into words. You have written the post I came on here to write. 
My precious DD was born in May 2013 and so many of the mum's I know who had babies in 2013 are now pregnant with no 2.
I'm finding this hard. It's a hard reminder that for many people it's just a matter of making the decision to have another baby. Whereas the decision is just the beginning for us.
I too have one little frozen embie. I'm terrified to start the FET process. Realistically I don't know how we'd afford more IVF now I work part time.
I too don't want my DD to be an only child. I can't imagine life without my brother and sisters and don't want my little one to be alone when my husband and I are gone.
We were aiming to try for the FET this sumner but I wasn't well enough, having being diagnosed with an underactive thyroid.
Therefore we'll probably do it next year.
I'd love to hear what you decide to do, and wish you all the best. 
Xx
Ps. I wonder the same, how do people even cope with two?!!


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## mrs_ixy (Jul 16, 2010)

Hello ladies,

Thank you for your replies. I am sorry I have taken a while to reply myself, but I went on holiday after posting that and have only just logged back in!

It is nice to talk to people who understand. Smithy, I also find it frustrating when people talk about second babies as if they're just going to happen, which may never be the case for people like us. I hope you are enjoying your new daughter - they certainly don't stay little for long.

Morag - good luck with your next tx. When do you start? Will it be February? I had surgery on my hand in May so I know how tricky that is with a small person! 

Mierran - thanks for your insight and I hope you start to feel better soon. One of my NCT friends is pregnant and says she is finding it harder second time around for some reason, although now she is getting into the second trimester it is becoming easier.

Helen - I am glad you seem to be happily getting on with things as I sometimes look at people with 2 kids and just wonder how on earth they cope! But I suppose you do. 

L_ouise - I feel the same about not wanting IVF to linger over us forever. We started doing it in 2011 and I know some people have had much longer journeys but it does feel as though you put your life on hold to a certain extent. 

Waterlily - I am finding second pregnancies hard too. And scared about the FET process - all the drugs and things that you could potentially go through for it not to work, or even for the embryo not to survive the thaw. It feels very precarious just having the one, doesn't it? When are you thinking of trying again?

I think we have decided to go for the FET next spring. I have to stop breastfeeding first, which I am gradually doing. Then wait 3 months. I think I would also like 3 months of no alcohol before we start. I don't drink massive amounts but it's what I did for the 2 cycles where I got pregnant (although I miscarried the first time). So I feel that this is also something I would like to do. 

From a selfish point of view I'd quite like a little bit of alcohol at Christmas and New Year (as I haven't had the chance for 3 years!) so I guess that means starting next March or thereabouts. Gives us time to attempt to get our heads round it. No doubt someone else in the NCT group will have fallen pregnant by then … I am happy for them but at the same time wish it was that simple for us.

I think we will do one fresh cycle after the FET if it doesn't work, because if we didn't, I will probably always say 'what if…?' - but I have to draw a line under it after that, I reckon. 

Wishing you all lots of luck and happiness xxx


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## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Hi, such an interesting thread I just had to comment and hopefully you can give me some advice. 

I have a daughter from ICSI and she is 17 months old. Ive done an ICSI and a FET this year to try for a sibling and they haven't worked. IVF affected me so badly and took over my life so much more than before DD so we decided we wouldn't do it again (im not sure why but the drugs sent me very loopy whereas they didn't before DD). We have a sperm issue so we then moved on to donor sperm and I got pregnant in month 2 of trying (much easier as no drugs etc). Sadly I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. That was a month ago. Im 40 and a half so getting near to game over.  Im trying donor sperm again now but im scared to see my NCT group. 

All bar one talk of number 2 all the time. One lady is already 22 weeks pregnant. Another got pregnant the same time as me and miscarried at 9 weeks. They have totally no idea what it is to have to do IVF. Ive told them now ive given up and am going to enjoy one child and that's it and im getting a new dog (arriving sunday). But ive completely withdrawn from them now.Im supposed togo out with them for pizza tonight but I cant face it.  I am struggling with them all having new babies or being pregnant when I want that so much. They all say oh your so lucky to have DD and you should just enjoy her at the same time as saying they are going to have 2 or 3 kids! 

Is withdrawing from them the right thing to do or is there a better way to handle it?


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## Moragob (Apr 1, 2012)

KL

What a difficult time you've been having    I can't tell you whether withdrawing is the right thing or not - only you really know that.  It is important to protect yourself and your family so if they upset you and you are finding it difficult to see  them then taking a break is probably a good thing.  We all know that nobody really understands this fertility nightmare unless they've experienced it and people say such careless things without true  thought.

Just take really good care of yourself

Morag 
xx


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## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi

I have been following this thread with interest as I find myself in a similar situation. We hve a beautiful 9 month old daughter who we managed to to conceive on our 2nd ICSI cycle. At the time I felt so lucky to just have her and hadn't thought beyond that but now I find myself thinking an awful lot about a sibling for her. I am an only child and have hated it , although i think partly because my childhood wasn't happy which i intend for the same not to happen for my daughter. I just think it would be so lovely for her to have that bond with a sibling. Realistically though our chances are very slim, I am 42 now and with a low egg reserve so need to act fast. 
I do feel that I have to do this as well as a way of closure or drawing the line under it all, we can only afford one cycle (my MIL has kindly offered the money) so that would be that but i do feel that at least I would need to have one last try (no option of DE or adoption as DH is not on board with these) so I can completley understand how you ladies feel.

KL, for what its worth I wouldn't lose touch with your friends particularly if you have a good bond with them, after my first cycle and m/c I withdrew alot and couldn't bear pregnancy announcements but soon realised that there would always be someone around who would announce their happy news so I had to face it and not lose friends over it, it isn't worth it, but if you are finding it hard at the mo, just take a breather from them


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## mrs_ixy (Jul 16, 2010)

KL - I really feel for you as I've kind of been there myself. I had a miscarriage in 2011 and at that time, almost all of my female friends were pregnant. I actually ended up telling them I felt a bit funny around them all for a while, and that I didn't really want to cuddle their babies when they were born. They were all really understanding and eventually (before I got pregnant with my daughter) I did feel OK about seeing them all again. So maybe you could try that approach? And if they end up excluding you as a result of that then they're probably not worth being friends with in the first place (I hope that does not sound harsh or unfeeling!).

I'm wary of this from another point of view, too - I have a good friend who's 39 now and would have liked children but has been single for ages. I am really careful not to talk too much about DD around her, and also to schedule nights out when it's just us (and not a bunch of other mothers) so we can talk about stuff other than children.

Barbster - I know how you feel as I feel as though I am running out of time/money. In fact, when we started, I had no fertility problems at all (it's all male factor for us) but by the time we got to our third round of IVF my AMH was getting a bit low! It can be quite a strange feeling knowing that whether you have another child or not will essentially be down to money and time. Both of which will run out soon!


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