# Dipping my toes in here! Adopting after having bio children?



## MrsVw (Oct 12, 2016)

Hi everyone this looks like a fab suppprt place! 

Ok so I think we are officially contemplating adoption but are unsure as to whether we would ever be considered really! I have 3 biological children from a previous marriage ages 10, 7 and almost 6. That marriage needed and and I am soon to be married again. My fiancé has no children of his own and unfortunatly when my  youngest was born I was sterilised on medical advice.

The children are all settled nicely into a balanced life with regular contact with their dad. Now my fiancé and I are contemplating how we might be able to grow our family.

I realise there are many components to getting approved as adopters but does the fact that we have 3 healthy, settled children already mean that we might be discounted? Sometimes i wonder if we should just 'count our blessings' (we we are thankful for every crazy day of our lives!!) but we desperately would like to add to our family! 

Thanks in advance x


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## loudlikelove (Jun 23, 2016)

They'll want to know when the wedding is as you may have to wait for the wedding to be out of the way first. 

The adopted child would also need their own room, so space is something to consider too.


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## alig1972 (May 12, 2011)

Hi 

When we started on the adoption journey it was for us 'completing our family' and having a child would do that. Now after lots of training and reading, we have come to understand that it is not about that at all but what we can offer a child. If you are expecting this perfect child to fit into your family then I would suggest doing some more research and perhaps going to an adoption information event. Most children will have suffered some form of neglect and abuse and as such will have issues and behaviours which are hard to deal with. I am not trying to put you off but just suggesting you go into it with open eyes. Having birth children will not be a problem but they will need their own room and there may need to be an age gap too. 

Hope this helps and wish you well for the future...

Ali


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## dreamingofabettertime (Jun 12, 2012)

How very exciting and wonderful that you should be considering adoption. I adopted after having three children, our social worker said that we had so much richness to give a child as we had experience of life, challenge and our children would really support our little person. We never had any hesitation in thinking we would be judged for having other children as we saw it as a benefit. 

Our PAR (a story of your life and what you have to offer a child that you will need to complete as part of the process) talked about what our children can do to support a new child and us on our journey; since adoption they have been amazing and continue to be (particularly as we then adopted another child as birth mother had another very soon after we had adopted our first!)

Follow you heart, your family have so much to give the life of a child. 

To respond to other writers we weren't married and were not judged in any way.

Adopting a child is not easy, there are many barriers that you will need to jump over along the way; if you want it enough, if you prepare and get the training you will be offered then you will succeed. You will need to think about if your family are robust enough to manage this 'process' and are they old enough to make room for a little person. Also once placed with a child he or she will take a lot of your attention so you will need your children to be fully on board with attaching to the child so involving them in all your discussions is vital. We would sit around the table as a family to talk through every social worker meeting prior to adoption and every one after until they stopped coming. We asked them what they felt always and always considered very seriously their views.  

Do ask more questions as happy to help.
x


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## MrsVw (Oct 12, 2016)

Thank you for your replies everyone!!



dreamingofabettertime said:


> How very exciting and wonderful that you should be considering adoption. I adopted after having three children, our social worker said that we had so much richness to give a child as we had experience of life, challenge and our children would really support our little person. We never had any hesitation in thinking we would be judged for having other children as we saw it as a benefit.
> 
> Our PAR (a story of your life and what you have to offer a child that you will need to complete as part of the process) talked about what our children can do to support a new child and us on our journey; since adoption they have been amazing and continue to be (particularly as we then adopted another child as birth mother had another very soon after we had adopted our first!)
> 
> ...


I really appreciate you taking the time to write that...it's really helpful to see it from a similar situation to ours!

We are certainly not blinkered enough to think that it will be plain sailing...having supported my children through the divorce of my ex husband and myself and then settling them into my new relationship took alot of time and patience and that was with me holding their hands the whole way through. We cannot comprehend what children go through before/during/after the adoption process. 
I have been in touch with my LA who have said that they would look to place a child under 3 with us due to the age of my BC's. They invited us to an information evening last night but it's too soon for us at the moment...we don't really want to start anything until after the wedding as it's a huge step for my BC and I would like to get them through the wedding and settled first before we start the adoption process. We also have done finances to sort our!

From what I have been reading we are interested in f2a...does anyone know if you can do that with BC already in the family? I forgot to ask that! It just seems (hopefully) less traumatic for the child?

Thanks again...we have not told anyone what we are thinking do it's great to be able to talk about it!!


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## dreamingofabettertime (Jun 12, 2012)

Yes we did foster to adopt with our last child (we had him home with us just after birth); this process was much more stressful than the adoption of our first adopted child as there was much, much more risk for our children (and us) as there was the chance he would have to leave us and emotionally cause trauma to us all. Our circumstances were that he was the sibling of our previously adopted child so we felt the risk was definitely worth taking (we had no choice but to try as he was already family) but it was the hardest thing I have ever done as we were all caught up in loving a little person we might loose...try coping with that!
However the benefits of things going well for us were that he has only ever known us and never had any disruption that he will recall. He still had trauma whilst in his Birth Mums tummy so we still have the same uncertainty as with our other child who was in foster care before we adopted him. 

Adoption for us with BC was by far less stressful than F2A as we were in more control of the process and there was less risk; we were able to prepare our BC children well and involve them in our journey. F2A carried too much risk for BC to realistically prepare for.

I watched my big children and little children playing together today and thought of you; they have the most incredible relationship, they really, really appreciate each other. My birth children were experienced in loss of a relationship from my previous relationship breakdown so they sort of instantly relate and empathise with our adopted children. This is a very unique bond they have; they 'get' each other without even having to say anything about it. My BC know how very lucky we all are to have adopted our children and what a difference they have made to our lives. It has been hard work, very hard but well worth the love and joy we share on happy days. Tantrums, anger, behavioral problems no matter what age you adopt go along with the job role but very like parenting birth children you are repaid by the moments of absolute satisfaction in knowing you have done a good job when you child tells you they love you or they hug you and actually mean it instead of trying to get an extra pudding. 

XX Happy to answer any other questions


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## MrsVw (Oct 12, 2016)

Hi again dreamingofabettertime...I apologise for the late reply! Poorly LO's keeping me busy!
Thanks again for your reply. I do feel that the children would be fabulous with understanding and being a part of the adoption.

My soon to be husband and I talked alot more at the weekend...we were currently exploring IVF and adoption but I think we are settled on adoption. Somehow it just feels right!


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