# 2nd cycle - so scared!!



## Jenso (Jan 15, 2013)

Hi everyone,

We had a failed NHS cycle back in May/June and are about to try again. We only had one funded cycle so our second one will be self funded. We have changed clinic, done immune testing and will also switch from long to short protocol.  Last cycle went quite well, I didn't have to many side effects and even though I have a low AMH we got quite a few eggs.  I remember thinking after EC last time that no matter what happens I should be happy that the ivf process itself worked no matter the outcome.

I have really enjoyed the summer and in August I started to feel like I was ready to start again. Now when we are only a couple of weeks from starting our treatment I am just feeling so scared. I have been really sad and just felt like life is so unfair. I am just scared about how I will feel if we have another BFN and I also know that it will take us a long time to save up for a new cycle.

I feel like I am on the hormones already :-(.


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

I sympathise!! I managed to put everything out of my head but from day 1 of d/r just felt utterly pessimistic. I actually burst into tears at my new clinic (I went for the endo scratch on day 21 which was also when I started d/r), I explained that I felt totally overwhelmed & miserable to be back at square 1 & seriously questioned what the point was. 
We have had to find both cycles as our PCT won't find anyone which doesn't help matters. 
Cycle 1 I remember thinking that it hadn't been as onerous a process as I feared physically (I was lucky not to have suffered with side effects), but I totally underestimated how I would feel emotionally about it. We could afford a third attempt if it comes to it, but I really don't know that I could put myself through it again!!!
I've no words of wisdom, other than to say I think fear is totally normal, especially after a first attempt. I accepted that cycle 1 might be a learning curve to better inform cycle 2, but was totally optimistic & boy, did my bubble burst!! This time round I'm far more grounded but also really worried. I don't know that I want to do this again but if this second cycle hasn't worked I also know I'm not ready to give up all hope if having my own family.

It's the hardest journey (destination unknown!!). Just look after yourself and be assured that feeling  scared is perfectly normal!!!


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## danceintherain (Apr 16, 2013)

Hi Jenso

It looks as if we're on a similar timeline - I had my first cycle in May/June too and am about to start again, although this time will be a frozen cycle. I think it's harder second time round as we know what the emotional blow of a negative cycle feels like. In my case, I also can't help feeling that if my 'best' embryo didn't result in a BFP then trying with the second best is a bit pointless. We've added a scratch and embryo glue this time to try to get the thing to stick.  As helend75 said it's completely normal to be scared. I hope things work out for you this time round.


"If you are going through hell, keep going" - Winston Churchill.


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## Sarapd (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi Jenso
I remember you from my second cycle. I know exactly how you feel - I spend all my time between cycles counting down until the next one and then when I get a few weeks out I start to get scared and want a few more weeks off the IVF train. I think you just have to ride with it and try not to think about it too much. I try and focus on the next step do by breaking things into small steps it doesn't feel so scary .
We're all here too if you ever need some support - I find this site a godsend.
Good luck.
Sara. xx


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## Jenso (Jan 15, 2013)

Thank you all for your support 

I feel a bit better today so I hope I can try to stay positive. It is such a hard road to go down at times and it just feels unfair that we have to spend so much money for something that comes natural to so many people :-(. Hopefully this cycle will work and then it defintely money well spent .

I hope you all have a nice weekend and thank you so much for your comments, they mean a lot


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Jenso, despite my overwhelmingly pessimistic attitude I've got myself a BFP this morning. From 6 mature eggs we had 2 fertilize & those 2 were grades 2 & 2/3 & were replaced at 2 days.
I know I'm
Not out of the woods by any stretch, but the relief I feel in having overcome another hurdle is huge. I started cycle 1 with the attitude that if it didn't work then something would be learned about cycle 2 - and here I am with a BFP that I'm hoping will stay around. 

Don't worry about not having a PMA - it's your defense mechanism kicking in.


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## Ashaa (Apr 3, 2013)

Hello

Jenso, we cycled together in May/June.  that was my first cycle too and it was all abit too much. Was left devastated with my BFN.  I didn't have the strength to cycle straight away.

I researched as much as possible and took the info to my follow up apt and the Dr agreed with my research and commented " you are obviously well read on the subject"..haha thanks to FF. We did the tests and I then felt ready to start again.

I am such a different person this time around.  Day 10 of DRegging and keeping myself together..the tough part has yet to come but this time I am feeling more human and a lot more in control.

Honestly if you recall I was in such an emotional state in May/ June...the second time is not as bad. trust me!!!

Wishing you all the best.

God Bless.

ps- Hi to Sarapd. I remember you from May /June.


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## Jenso (Jan 15, 2013)

Congratulations helen that's great news!

sarapd and AAsha I remember you from the first cycle I hope you are both doing well.

I wasn't stressed out at all during my first cycle so I think that's why I am so surprised by my emotions this time around. I guess it is a bit different the second time around and the first one was our only NHS cycle so now it is so much money as well!

Best of luck !!


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