# angry with friend - am i being a horrible person?



## the_tempress89 (Oct 19, 2011)

not sure where to start as this could be a long post, but i need to get it out and tell someone who will understand - at least a little.
my friend has had a long journey to get where she is, 16 years tcc with one loss, her own eggs failed her and now at 44 she is pregnant through ED. i was soooo happy for her when i heard she got her bfp that i cried! i really was happy. but as the months went on, all she did was complain and moan.
at the same time my cousin is also expecting and shes the same moaning about everything, but i expected ( maybe i was wrong to) that for my friend it would be different, its somethign she has wanted for so long - surely she would be happy? i can understand how terrified she is, of going through the same thing as before and i supported her and tried to be there for her.

as she got nearer to her due date she found out because it was a high risk pregnancy she would be induced, which upset her terribly, and again i tried to be there for her, support her, i understood she wanted as natural of pregnancy and delivery as normal, but i also tried to prepare her for the fact that because of her situation/age/history things might not be as textbook as she would like. i also tried to ease her mind by telling her from what  have read/saw an induction is pretty normal these days. 

one by one things started to differ from her ideal plan and the more that went wrong the more she complained. again i tried to be helpful and understanding. i can understand that women have a birth plan laid out but at the same time i can also understand tha rarely do these things go to plan. 

she then told me she was planning to breastfeed, and i just knew this wasnt going to be as easy as she hoped - with her age being a factor ( i had read somewhere that 'older' first time mums find breast feeding hard) and i knew she hadnt been lactating anyway. her birth didnt go to plan and she needed a little help, her epidural didnt work, the baby wont latch on, shes not preducing milk, shes stressed, her house isnt ready, one thing after another and more to come i suspect.

i just know writing this out how horrible i must sound. its hard enough when its someone who falls pregnant easily ( like my cousin - having her second when her first spends more time at grandparents than with her parents) and i dont want to be feeling liek this but :

i just want to scream AT LEAST YOU HAVE YOUR BABY! AT LEAST YOUR A MUM NOW!. she wanted a normal pregnancy and labour as as far as i can see from things shes told me and what i have read and been told by other mums- for her this is pretty normal , the tiredness, sickness, peeing al the time, the heat the weight everythign she complained and said she was sick off - is normal. so why isnt she happy?

i have spent the past 3 days an emotional wreck, i cant even face talking to her now because im dreading what else she will be complainign about and i feel like such a cow. i would give anything in this world to be swollen and tired and hot and uncomfortable and all the horrible pregnancy stuff if it meant i was going to be a mum, and i see these girls, and women commplaining like its the worst thing in the world!

am i a really horrible person and friend for feeling so fed up of it and angry with her because of it, or is what im feeling normal for what we go through? 

im really sorry for this being so long - i just dont know where else to turn for someone to talk to  xxxxxxxxxx


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## salblade (Mar 31, 2010)

Don't feel bad, you're entitled to a good moan  . I went through a lot of things your friend went through but really tried not to moan as I was so happy to be pregnant after years of trying. Your friend might just be a natural moaner, who will always see the negative in things. If she upsets you then it's best to stay away, the last thing you need is you getting upset. Take care  .


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

It's really, really difficult.

The one thing I had to try and do when I was still ttc was to remove myself from the situation - it was not about how I felt but how _they_ felt. Sometimes this was too hard for me to deal with as the timing wasn't always great and there would be times when I just needed to think about me. Realistically, I was not in a position to feel sorry for them or be a shoulder when it came at such a price for me and for the most part, I'm ashamed to say, I walked away. I realised I couldn't be a good friend to them. I needed to be selfish and simply did not have the capacity to be there for them when they had the very thing that I'd always dreamed of. I needed people to support and understand me and it just fell to a mismatch of timing for us. My good friends were understanding and have waited patiently for me to have the ability to cope with it all again and come back to them - the others, well, sod 'em. 

The shoe is now on the other foot and I am currently pg myself. I haven't had a straightforward time with it and for around 6-7 weeks was in agony and couldn't sleep at all. The days were not any less painful. I needed to moan as it was all so hard. It got so bad that at one point I was actually thinking about a termination. I'm fine now but one thing I was very conscious about was the fact that I had tried so hard to be pregnant and I should be grateful - but I felt I had already suffered so much that it was unfair I should still be suffering. It's very difficult when you do get pg after ttc for so long. You feel that you shouldn't moan and you feel guilty if you do - with everyone reminding you that SURELY this is better than the alternative. That was hard because for me, I wasn't sure that it was.  Sometimes pregnancies are not straightfoward and no matter how you've struggled to get there, it can be a lot, lot worse than you ever imagined. 

I will say that when you do get pregnant, it does not preclude you from moaning about it when times are really hard. That said, I think people need to be aware of their audience. I found it easy to find my friends who had been pregnant before to sympathise with me about my situation, or only spoke to other pregnant ladies about it.

Maybe you could have a quiet word with your friends and tell them how you're feeling? They simply may be so caught up in their own situation that they're not thinking about how it affects you. It wouldn't hurt you to remind them of that as it is really not fair on you.


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Thinking about it, I remember one of my friends had wanted a natural home birth but because the baby was breach, she had to have a C-section.  She phoned me in tears complaining about how she would not get the birth she wanted, etc.

I was gobsmacked that she could think I was the right person to be talking to about it.  All I could think was: 'Do you SERIOUSLY expect me to feel sorry for you because you don't have a choice in how you have your baby?!  Try thinking about not having a choice in being unable to have one AT ALL!'

...so you rant away on here.  I think you're fully entitled to feel how you feel - but definitely let your friends know that you're upset.  I did and was amazed at the response.  They were simply so wrapped up with what was going on with them that they didn't think about me at all.


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## the_tempress89 (Oct 19, 2011)

thank you so much everyone for getting back to me, i cant tell you how good it feels to have someone else understand what im feeling.

i think the one thing that has really got to me through all this is in the past 9 months i have never heard her say 1 nice thing about the pregnancy - maybe im naive in thinking it but i thought women would be happy to be pregnant? i would understand if the pregnancy had been horrendous - iv experienced people with bad pregnancies before - one of my aunts had mrning sickness constantly right the way through and ended up in hosptial a couple of times. but my friends pregnancy to me seemed perfect - she wanted a normal pregnancy and she got it - a bit of morning sickness - then that went and she had the usual stretching pains - and having to pee lots. it just seemed so normal to me that i couldnt understand why she wasnt at least a little happy?

i find at times im so busy worrying about her and how she is going to cope - her situation in life isnt ideal, her partner works away from home so she is on her own all week, she seems to think she is going to jst stay in the house all the time and not see anyone or go out or do anythign and i know i cant step in, its not my place to tell her how to raise her child but its cant be good for her or the baby. 

i think taking a step back and letting her get on with things is about all i can do, im no good at talking to people face to face about how i feel because all i do is worry about other people lol i wouldnt want to upset her and say the wrong thing - she can be sooo sensitive, and at times regarding other things  have tried to talk to her and only made things worse .

again thank you to all of you, everything you have said has really helped me feel less horrible and less guilty, iv got some knitted baby things here for her which ill take down in a couple of weeks once shes settled, but until then ill keep my distance and wait till she needs me.  

xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

You're not a horrible person, just someone who is in pain and struggling to cope with infertility while everyone around you is having babies.

Unfortunately, one of the prerogatives of being pregnant is to be able to have a good old moan about the less pleasant aspects of it. Even people who take years and got through massive struggles to get there will have a bit of a gripe about some things. I think that's natural and normal and it's their right to do so. After all, why should we not be allowed to have a "normal" pregnancy and moan along with others.  I think there is some perception that we should be somehow grateful and never complain. Well, no, I think we have bloody well earned the right to relish every aspect of it myself! 
However, complaining is one thing, but there are ways and means and appropriate places to do it and people to say things to. It's pretty insensitive of anyone to moan about pregnancy to someone who is infertile, even if they've been on that journey. And then of course there's good old social media where things go out to everyone regardless of our circumstances.  I think you've every right to feel upset but I will urge to try not to take it personally. You will - I hope - one day be in her shoes, and you will have chance to have your own moans, but will likely have the sense to appreciate others' feelings when you do. 

FWIW, I think you can probably limit your exposure to her / her moans by doing exactly as you're suggesting and keeping your distance and meeting her/baby on your terms when you are strong enough to deal with it. 

C~x


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

You are not a horrible person I promise you that. If you want reassurance that how you are feeling is totally normal when your struggling with infertility have a read of my diary, link in my signature, I go on a lot about how it makes me feel when pregnant people moan, especially how one friend has made me feel. I have often wanted to shout from the roof tops, don't you know how lucky you are to have a baby. Even if they are finding things tough then I think if they know what you are going through then they shouldn't moan to you, moan away to other people but not people they know are struggling to conceive. Big big hugs


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## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Frankly, I think you would have been within your rights to give her a gentle reality check. I was lucky enough to miraculously fall pregnant naturally after all kinds of problems (took ages to fall pregnant first time round, then had m/c, then stopped ovulating, then ovulated irregularly - wasn't sure if ovulating at all tbh). 

During the first trimester, I actually found the morning sickness reassuring. Not going to say that I enjoyed it, because that would just be weird but I took it to be a positive sign. All the other aches and pains that came along - I just wanted to be sure that they were normal and then I was more than happy to get on with it. Things are getting to be more of an effort now (almost 27 weeks and huge) but I'm taking the opportunity to slow down a bit and just not stress myself out. I honestly don't care what I have to go through as long as the baby is OK. I just think I am sooooo very, very fortunate that it would seem really ungrateful to moan. I'm determined to enjoy every minute! 

I have a friend who is now pregnant after her second attempt at IVF (not sure exactly what she had - she has had several miscarriages and lost a tube to an ectopic pregnancy in the past) and she is also moaning about anything and everything. When I reminded her that at least she was finally having the (2nd) baby she has longed for, she did agree but said that she has found it so much more stressful this time round because of what has gone before. She hasn't felt able to relax and enjoy the pregnancy. 

I guess it comes down to different personalities and experiences. That said, she really ought to think about your feelings in all of this. The only thing worse than moaning about an essentially healthy pregnancy has got to be moaning about it to someone who would happily give their right arm to swap places. I think you have the patience and understanding of a Saint!!!! Please do not think for one second that you are a horrible person    and sending lots of     that your dream comes true x


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## Weebear (Jul 24, 2013)

I'm jumping in quite late. But It seems to me she is in a privileged position and does deserve to be there, the problem is that she is using you as an emotional crutch forgetting that your not even in her great position. She has the rig to complain just like every other woman BuT, she should be sensible and sensitive and not be doing it to you. Your not a bad friend but your dealing her crap on too of your own. Xx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

I waited 20 years to get pregnant and it was a long road that took two ICSI cycles to get me there. All that time I built up an *idea of what being pregnant meant*. I visualised it so well, I would be glowing and feel happily full, i'd be strolling into all the shops admiring all the maternity clothes and having assistants bring me chairs and drinks and gush over my scan photos and (I guess treat me like I was the only person in the world to ever have a baby!) and they'd be so happy to be asking me 'when's it due' etc... I'd be attending family outings and neighbourly get-togethers as the centre of attention where everyone would revolve around me, patting my belly and rubbing my feet and treating me like I was the queen... i'd spend my days gently doing yoga in a sun-filled garden or flicking through catalogues of baby items - my main concerns would be whether to choose winnie the pooh or peter rabbit - i'd be buying baby clothes and holding them up for friends to admire and my other half would be happily painting the nursery, it would be one long 9 month stretch of joyous anticipation and choosing lovely things and arranging the nursery.. and everyone would be so lovely towards me, and everywhere I went i'd be offered seats and handled with care, and if I went to the doctors or anywhere, they'd immediately treat me with complete VIP status and take me seriously about everything and give me the best care possible, immediately. Finally, I anticipated, my life would be complete, society would accept and worship me and my status as a woman would be exalted. My only health concerns would be occasional back-ache which would be instantly soothed with partners touch, and sore feet which I would need to rest often in a comfortable chair. My birth would be heroic and my family all there saying exactly the right thing all the time.

I just had NO CONCEPT of how it actually is, and the longer it went on that I didn't know, the longer I spent building up my happy illusion and ironically not finding out the reality due to mainly avoiding pregnant people, the stronger the belief became.

when I finally got pregnant I found out:

shops no longer had maternity departments and even those shops that still have some items don't treat anyone like royalty. (except kate? )
I felt ill, all the time, and so tired I could hardly get out of bed. 
I was terrified that it would turn out to be ectopic or a chemical and had to hide away from family and neighbours for months. when I did leave the house there was no special attention. the doctors I saw were indifferent and unhelpful mainly. I had to wait weeks to see a midwife or have any advice. I was taking progesterone support which made me tired and stopped me being able to switch off as it was one long round of remembering to take it and resting while the pessaries worked. I had horrible pains that ended up with me twice at the emergency hospital in the middle of the night - turned out to be gallstones but I didn't find that out til afterwards.. it took me ages to get a scan and then you could hardly see anything.. there was never a point where I could relax, I was bloated and felt nauseous unless I ate almost constantly.. I struggled to sleep but was tired all the time. I was given antibiotics which I was scared to take but they mistook my referred gallstone pain for a possible kidney infection. At 11 weeks I was given a flu jab which I was told was necessary then I got the worst flu symptoms I have ever had and could hardly breathe for a week. I hung on waiting for my 12 week scan which I had to pay privately for because despite begging and pleading the NHS refused to help me - only to be told i'd miscarried... (which I had suspected from 10 weeks due to loss of symptoms)

the whole thing was so not what I expected. I was actually physically relieved to miscarry (though not mentally) because I had been so ill. While I know that the lucky people who get a take home baby 'ought not to complain' I can't help feeling that I understand someone wrestling with the disparity between the dream and the reality, when the dream has been building so long. it's almost like people - even those who get the baby - need to grieve the loss of the dream. A little understanding could go a long way. I guess if someone hasn't faced up to that grieving process then it would manifest itself as constant moaning about the reality.   
though of course, understanding goes both ways.


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