# end of my journey and DH left again



## Molly99

My final try came to a crashing end yesterday.  My little beautiful frostie didn't make it.  I have no more choice of hope left.

When I was uncontrollably sobbing on the floor, my DH was booking another mini break for him and his kids.  He wanted them here this weekend because he misses them but I felt it wholly inappropriate.

So he's left, again.  3 cycles, 3 failures, 3 times he's left me straight afterwards and taken the kids on a holiday.  He didn't want to upset his ex or miss the kids for one weekend to be here for us.

I can't cope anymore.  I don't want this life any more


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## patbaz

Molly I am so sorry huni x


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## Sarapd

Molly - I'm so sorry for you. Sending you a massive hug.  Don't rush into anything but make sure you think about what is best for YOU to do next.
Take care.
Sara. xx


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## Candy x

Didn't want to read and run....
I can't offer any advice , although I don't think anything what anyone says will help right now but just wanted to say I'm so very sorry and sending my love and big    , please take care of yourself xxx


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## jenni01

Oh Molly  
I'm so very sorry for what you are going through 
It is truly insensitive of him to go away at this time and he should have thought about being with you..
Please take some time hun and don't do anything rash 
Remember that we are here for you to talk to anytime and to try and help you as much as we can 
Have a good old rant, find a big pillow and punch the living daylights out of it! 
Take care
Jen.x


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## babycrazy35

Molly  

I'm so very sorry that it didn't work for you. You have been such a support to a lot of us on this board in your replies to others' posts. Let your husband go away with his kids. You need time to rebuild yourself, emotionally and physically. Once you have done that you can then decide what YOU want to do. Don't make any decisions now. Take your time. 

Perhaps it is time that you don't show your husband so much emotion and let him think. You are strong.

We are here for you.


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## bombsh3ll

I'm so sorry Molly, you really deserved this to be your time & life is cruel  

Obviously your husband cares for his kids but arranging to have them on or immediately after OTD is unfair on both you and them, & I'm sorry you're going through the additional pain of grieving alone.

Stay strong and look after YOU. Do whatever you need to get through this difficult time - it's not selfish, it's survival.

Hugs,

B xxx


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## ceci.bee

Molly hun             i wonder if your Dh finds it difficult to deal with your grief and the stress around a BFN and finds it easier to run away with his family than stay to support you? It is definitely worth challenging him with his behaviour when he gets back and how it made you feel.
I am so sorry he is not helping you get through this and hope you can find a path forward that is right for you - FF is here for you sweetie          

lots of love
Ceci


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## aqua2011

Hi Molly,

So sorry  this has happened to you. Send you a huge hug. 
We're here for you. Please look after yourself.


Aqua


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## Molly99

Thank you so much ladies. What a horrendous morning.  He left, he came back, he left again and then came back .... and stayed.  What a nightmare, I can't believe that he stayed in the end, I am so relieved.

We'll have to deal with the consequences of him coming back at a later day.  We've thought enough of his ex over the last 3 cycles for know.  I'm so sad that it affected the kids though  

I'm still in disbelief I think.  I just cannot believe that this is it for me know.  I do t know how I can move on yet because I don't want to.  I'm not ready to face a permanently childless future or childless marriage


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## jenni01

Molly 
I think you need time to grieve for your losses hun and to find the strength to look at your option's.
It all depends on your situation.
I thought it was all over for me and then I was pointed in the direction of Donor Egg (but that's my personal situation).
I got myself all geared up to go ahead this year and then the fund's started to dwindle (DH self employed and had 2mnths off due to surgery) that brought us into the New Year £2000 down!! 
BUT....I refuse to give up!! I'm a stubborn bxtch and will fight tooth and nail to have our baby! 
Everyone's different and everyone's situation is different.
Just take some time out and then try and talk with your DH and see where you can go from here..
I hope I haven't over stepped the mark! 
Jen.x


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## goldbunny

massive hugs molly.you deserve better. so so sorry for your loss. i have frosties and i understand the hopes and dreams they contain, how we think and plan for what they might become. so sad that your frostie didn't make it. remember to breathe. one breath at a time, one hour at a time...you will find a way forward.


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## rubster

Oh hun f*ck f*ck f*ck this is so unfair, my heart goes out to you now. You must be in so much pain, I doubt you can make head or tail of anything. 

Can I advise one thing? Don't even try to make any decisions about anything - at all - it's too much, it's too raw for you......... I can't say I understand what your DH must be thinking, but the sense I have from you from chatting and writing to each other, is that he loves you, and you love him. God knows we are driven to the depths of despair and to a pretty primitive place, so just leave any thinking about what he has said/done or what you have said or done to another day (or month).... you really need to focus on getting though each hour, each day, each minute. 

There is love and joy in your life, I know this from what i know of you. And I KNOW that you WILL feel this again, you are such a lovely, full of life, smiley, upbeat girl. You will feel all those things again. Just not tonight, or tomorrow... or the day after that. But you WILL.

Sending you lots of love. PM me if you want to. 

        

R xxxxx


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## carrie lou

Molly, I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. I'm not sure I can be of any help, just wanted to send you a massive hug   and to say that as awful as you must be feeling right now, you WILL find a way through it. Take time to grieve, FF is a wonderful place and lots of people are here to help you


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## Molly99

Thank you all so much.  I don't know what I would do without you, I just feel so completely and utterly alone.  DH hates emotions and sees them as a threat, this was never going to be easy for us  

We're waiting a few days before we make any decisions but life still goes on.  DH's ex is furious, and missing the kids turned out to be too much for my DH, he regrets it dreadfully.  I thought that he was here for love but now I think that it was more for duty.  It's Father's Day, so I know that he is feeling it, I am so sad for him but it just feels like I was in the way.

He left again this morning to play his sport and because missing the kids was too much so he's going to try and spend the day with them.  I very much felt his anger towards me.

I'm lost and confused.  I don't think that we'll make it through this, we're talking about splitting up.  It isn't what I want at all, my life isn't what I want or hoped for but I do choose him.  I don't feel that he can say the same anymore, I'm just in the way of him being the father that he wants.  A weekend out was too much for him even now  

I still can't believe that this is it.  It's all over.  My forever will look like this  .  I don't want to give up but I know that I have to, my marriage certainly can't cope with another try, we are in debt up to our eyes and cannot get any more loans, our house is only half renovated, we haven't even had hot water for 5 years.  My body and mind are exhausted, I am hanging on by my fingernails.  We are also expecting his ex to challenge our child support, based on our new access arrangements I've worked out on the CSA calculator that we need to be paying double what we pay now.  We've reached our absolute limit.

Our only option is to survive with what we have


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## rubster

Oh Molly I can feel your sadness and desperation.......

This is such a hard time, with your needs and your DH's needs clashing so completely right now..... would it help at all if I told you that me and DH screamed it's over on the street in London the day before the EC that never was? That he has told me he feels on the verge of a heart attack, has considered leaving a 100 times per day in the darkest days?? I never thought we would come back from that. But we are. It's still a process, but we are.

I have to run now, but I wanted to send something, hopefully to give you some hope that even when things look like they are at their most sh*t and there is no way out, there is. Hang in there. I'll check in later. I'll be thinking of you today.

Much love hun

R xxx


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## aqua2011

Hi Molly, 

My tears rolling down my eyes as I was reading your post and my hearts goes out for you. I can't imagine what you're going through, all too much. 
Fertility battle toss a couple around and individual reacts to the situation differently based on tier personal life experiences and perception. Your emotion and hubby are high right now. It's early, give it time. Let the emotion settle down and both of you can look at the situation with fresh eyes.

My dear, One thing is sure that you're not alone. May be not physically, but my thought is with you and I'm sure lots of others on the forum.

Look after yourself. 
With lots of love

XXXXXX


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## DizziSquirrel

Sending a top up of Hugs hun 

how are you doing ?

~Dizzi~


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## JulietP

Hey Molly, I'm new to this part of FF, having been through all the hopeful sections, I'm now at the end of the road too.  All I can say is the desperation and heartache that you're feeling, loads of us are feeling exactly the same.  I don't want to go out, work, or do anything.  I want to curl up in a hole and sleep.  But posting on here and reading what others are going through shows that you are not alone and feeling like you are one of many rather than the only person on earth is such a relief.  We're all in this together.


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## mrsmcc7

Huge hugs Molly, how are you doing now?

I'm in a very similar situation to you - two step sons and after host of failed treatment we've decided enough is enough and we need to stop.  It's the hardest decision to make when all you want is a family, but in my case our marriage was just being put under too much pressure and I wasn't willing to risk it any more and even if we did end up with our longed for baby I'd risk being on my own without hubby.

I think I've come to terms with it all reasonably well now, as it's been almost a year since we decided we were setting a date to stop.  Don't get me wrong, I still have the odd meltdown sometimes, but I don't think that's something that will ever go away.

If you want to chat just shout hun.  Look after yourself.

Suzie x


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## Molly99

MrsMcc7, I am so pleased to hear from you  

Our situations sound so similar, I'm so sorry that you found yourself here too and I truly hope that you are finding peace  

I have a million questions!  I feel overwhelmed by the whole situation at the moment and I just don't know where to start.  My head is such a jumble that I've just signed off work again, I feel so silly, I worry that people think I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill because I don't think that anyone can get the ramifications of this.

I'm trying to see a future without children now, but the most difficult thing in the world is that I don't have a future without children, it's just that they belong to someone else and I only get to see them for a few days a month.  It's that dangling carrot, a famine victim watching a huge feast that they can't join in.

Have you come to terms with watching your husband have everything that you want with another woman?  I know that this never really happens and it will always be painful but have you found peace with it?  I am so worried that I will forever feel this horrible sadness and jealousy.  I know that it's still raw but my DH talking about sports day with a colleague this week absolutely tore my heart out, just him talking to them about growing up, watching him teach them or hug them....  I feel like a monster with all of these horrible dark thoughts every time I see them together.  I'm so worried that I will never be able to let him enjoy these wonderful moments because they will always feel so raw.  

I love them so very much and when they are here life feels so wonderful and together and then they are gone and I am left with another void on top of the emptiness


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## mrsmcc7

Oh hun, don't for a second feel bad about taking time off work.  If you need a few days or weeks to get yourself through then that's what to do, sod what anyone else thinks!!

One thing to get straight though hun - you WILL have a future without biological kids if that's the road you're faced with.  I know right now you won't be able to believe that, and I didn't either because I always knew I'd have my own kids (I wanted 2, DH hadn't planned on any more so we agreed on one)  Everything I planned was for when we had our family, but sadly fate is a fickle b*tch and decided it would be more fun to watch me suffer.

Once you make the decision to stop that's the first step on a long road to making a new future.  Yes it might be different to what you wanted and planned for, but it's what you're stuck with so you have to make the best of it.  You can choose to be bitter about not being able to have your own kids and let it ruin your life (and most probably your marriage) or you can choose to accept that you were dealt an unfair hand and try and salvage as much as you can from what you do have.

I loved having the boys growing up with us, and went to everything they did including parents nights, concerts, karate, etc.  I just had to accept that I could do those things with DH and his ex wife and just be grateful I got to be part of it, or I could let DH do it on his own and sit at home and stew every time he did something with the boys.  I'm not saying it wasn't hard to see him do everything with them that I wanted us to do together, but it wasn't his fault so I couldn't punish him or them for how I felt.

On the whole we've managed to put treatment behind us and rebuild our relationship after the toll treatment took on it.  The MC a few weeks ago did set me back a bit, but I'm trying to reason with myself again and get back the acceptance I'd managed to achieve.  It's hard hun, I won't lie to you, and there are still the odd days where I struggle to get out of bed because I just don't see the point.  The days you get BFP news will always hurt, but accepting that it's ok to be upset about it and then move is just another part of the process we have to go through.

The best you can do just now hun is to look after yourself, and be kind to yourself.  Giving up your fertility journey is very like a bereavment, so you have to grieve for what you've lost before you can look to the future.

I'll PM you my e-mail address, shout any time you need to talk/rant etc and I'll always be there hun.  It's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel when you're at the beginning of it, but it is there even if it's very faint.

Suzie xx


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## DizziSquirrel

Suzie what a lovely post to Molly, 
big big  to you both with a huge dollop of


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