# Not sure if I belong...



## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi Everyone

I am new to FF, and although have not given up my quest for children, on reading thru these posts, they really struck a cord with me.

My dh and I do everything in our power to get on with our life, live it to the full and have been very successful in making the most of things as we are (ttc 8 yrs, unexplained).  We have given up on the IVF thing, having done it once and FET once... and we are currently on our adoption prep course.  

BUT, we both often worry that we are going against what nature has dealt us and wonder if we should just accept our childlessness and get on with life as we know and love it.  Will adopting, or even having our own... as I'm 37 but have a (apparently) perfectly working reproductive system... wreck our very peaceful and happy lives.  We have done the heartbreak thing for many years,... still do on the odd month, but for most of the time, we cope very well and people who don't know our situation just think that we are not the "settling" down type.  In fact, many friends and family with children are all pretty much envious of our lifestyle..

I suppose I'm just getting my thoughts out "there"... I know no-one can advise me which way to turn, as only I and dh can figure that out... but I just wondered if there was anyone else in my position... who feels the way I do.

And is living child free all that bad....!?  I'm beginning to wonder!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hello Barbarella
Firstly hello and welcome..
I must say that its good to get things off your chest and share it with women who are in very similiar situtions..If it helps you are 'not alone'....
Its so hard to come to any sort of decision concerning the Infertility route and i think deep down we are all making small decisions along the way.. 
Barbarella you have already been strong and made some decisions about not wanting to go down the IVf route. Thats a big enough thing to come to terms with and that is also a very brave move for you and your partner...
I found that i could not force any decisions about ceasing treatment and living Child free. I found that decisions would come naturally in their own time...its never easy making a decision to remain childless but i think its about what you 'both really want'. What you can both live with and feel happy with in your lives.
I am in the early stages of stopping treatment and living child free and there are some positive sides but it can also be hard. .The only thing i hold onto is that i have only one life, i am sick of being unhappy with infertility and i cannot waste anymore years being consumed by it...
I just wish you all the best and i am sure the answers are there somewhere and eventually it will come to light...don't be so hard on yourself you have been through alot over the years......
There are so many girls on this thread that share and give positive feedback that will help you to see things more clearly....
Goodluck...
Lots of love astridxxx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Astrid

Thank you very much for your reply, I really appreciate it.  Yes, you are so right... it is almost certainly something that you cannot battle with... but just go along the path you feel is most right for you... and then make decisions along the way.  I have dealt with this whole ttc thing in that way.. but when you turn a corner and enter a phase you are not familiar with (in my case, the adoption), it all goes back to square one again... the confusion, and uncertainty.

You have helped me see things clearly already... so   thanks for that..... to be honest, it changes every day... one day I can see us without children, another I can't see us bearing it....

I always live in hope...  thank you again..


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## sam1 (May 21, 2003)

Hi there, Ive just read your post.  I was chatting to Astrid earlier about almost the same thing !!!!!!!  We are undecided whether to do our 6th and final IVF treatment.  ONe day I think we'll be ok without children and just get on with our lives.  The next day I can't bear the thought of it.  It is very confusing and it really does mess with your head.  But I think Astrid is right, the decision has to come from within ourselves.  Unfortunately noone can tell us what to do (god wouldnt that be easier.....).  But good luck.  and hopefully we will all make the right decision.  I know exactly what you mean about going against nature.  Maybe our lives are meant to be child free for whatever reason..... 
Sam xxx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Sam

Thank you very much for your reply... it really does help talking to people who feel the same way... you can internalise things too much and, as you say, your head explodes with it all...

That is the one thing I have a real problem with... going against nature... if I had blocked tubes or something stopping me from conceiving, then I would do anything in my power to overcome that... but as I am SO unexplained, in the most ridiculous way.... well I just have to ask the question "is that meant to be for a good reason"... 

I often look at other people's lives, with children, and then look at my own and think "are we the lucky ones"?  And that then begs the question "what are we doing"?  LOL...  

But, something drives me on... so I come back to the same old stomping ground of "what will be will be"...  if it feels right, I will do it... and I knew for a fact, that IVF was no longer an option for me... although it would be very easy to do another one, I just "know" deep inside of me that it isn't going to happen.

I think we have to listen to ourselves more and take notice.... but we just second guess ourselves time after time...  that's life though... we wouldn't learn from anything if it was all a bed of roses.  

Best of luck with your decision, it's so difficult, but you will know....!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi Barbarella and Sam
I have just read both your postings and can see that you are both experiencing the same issues at present..Sam and I were both chatting as she mentioned and when it all comes down to it there is no easy answer..I think even when we eventually do make a decision as hard as it maybe we have made it for a reason..
I think the hardest decisions of all with the IF path is stopping tx and deciding where to go from there. Some people are fortunate that they do not have to address these issues. I think it is quite a lonely experience as we are forever battling with the answer that is not there in black and white. The choices have been taken out of our hands and then we are left with either being child free or adoption, which can be daunting....
Maybe Barbarella you may need to go down the adoption route to find your answer to either continue or live a child free life. Sometimes embarking on something will help put the jigzaw into place? 
I never know really quite what to say because we all look at things from different angles. But i still believe that we have to listen to ourselves and our DH/DP because you are in it together and they are the only ones who really understand...
I wish you both luck. I know this sounds corney but have you written down on a sheet of paper the fors and against...That always a good way to identify things. Or maybe just with time it will fall into place...
Love Astridxxx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

I agree with you Astrid... I approach each step of this adoption process with trepidation (and I've only just started)... I think you can only take each step at a time.. and not wanting to let anyone down, at the end of the day, you can only go as far as you are comfortable with.

DH and I had a conversation today about how we feel about it, so far, and we are both 100% sure we want to go ahead with the process... but still not sure of the outcome (sorry if I'm repeating myself here)... but as long as we are both ready at the same time, then we will proceed to the next step....  

I suppose I should write things down really.. unfortunately, I'm more of a "head" girl.. it goes round and round and round... not too good at writing things down.. but maybe I will take you up on your suggestion... thanks!!

Anyway, I hope it's ok that I hang around this forum for a while... because we are child free at the moment and have been a long long time... so can relate to all the issues brought up (especially about friends etc... and feeling left out of part of life etc.), and, of course, we always live in hope of a miracle!!!!  

Does anyone else spend all their time looking at the smiley's and figuring out which one is best... I'm addicted to them already!!!  LOL.


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hello Barbarella
Goodluck with the adoption, you have already made positive steps forward...I am really pleased that you are doing something you both want and i wish you all the best of luck...I am sure it will be a different path going down the adoption route but it sounds as if you have made up your minds...
Its been nice chatting to you, please let us know how you get on
I am crap at smileys and just general use of the computer. computers are not my fortey...
Where do you come from? what is your name?
Love astridxxx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi Astrid

I wasn't sure whether to give out my name, being in the adoption process.... from my area and name, it wouldn't be too hard to trace who I am... and I just don't know if the SW's look around for us on forums like these...!!   Not that I have got anything to hide, it's just that you want to be able to think aloud sometimes and talk freely... before you come to decisions...  

Am I being really cynical !?  Just a few ladies on an adoption forum have changed their username for that reason alone, so it planted a bit of doubt in my mind...   I'm usually an open book!!!

What does anyone else think!??  Anyway, I'm from down South...  

And thanks again for the chat...and making me feel so welcome... will definitely be sticking around, so will let you know how it goes...


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi barbarella
I totally understand where you are coming from and if i was in the same situation i would also do the same.....sorry i did not think.....
I love the psuedo name anyway. Nice chatting to you and once again goodluck.....
I am an Essex girl by the way....
love astridxxxx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

No worries at all.  To be honest, I find it very odd not signing my real name, it's not me at all...  

No doubt I will tell all at some stage... what the hell... LOL. 

Cxx


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## sally60 (Oct 13, 2004)

Hi Barbarella, Astrid and Sam,

I think I may have come in at the end of this thread - but I just wanted to say that I relate to alot of what you have each said. I'm relatively new to ff - although I have been off and on the site for the last 18 months or so, reading postings. I tend to find myself jumping between sections (Donor conception, adoption and now living child free) I think essentially I am trying to work out where my head is at. In all this time I have felt I most related to the sentiments you each expressed in this thread - so thank you. (that said I can't yet confirm I am intending to live 'child free')

To explain I'm 32, dh is 34, we have been married 5 years and ttc for 3.5 years. 18 months ago it was confirmed my dh has azoospermia. At that point we went away to lick our wounds and consider next steps. 18 months on we find ourselves still licking our wounds and considering our options. Nothing seems obvious, no choice is simple, all choices seems to have many facets and I tend to find myself thinking differently each time I consider them.

At the moment I am reading alot about adoption and can get quite excited about the idea - although I'm also also apprehensive. When we were considering donor conception its apparent ease in comparson to adoption was so frequently put forward as a reason to take this route!? 

Some days I feel its ok and I'm sure that dh and I will cobble together a fantastic life regardless - other times I can't imagine never having children - and fear that we will be carrying around a deep regret for the rest of our lives  although I know we have a great life full of potential, choice and options...

Frequently I hear people talk about relief that they and their partner can at least agree on the route forward - I'm always jealous and amazed. Despite the fact dh and I both very much wanted children before we encountered our infertility problems we actually tend to disagree on the best way forward - perhaps this is a symptom of the emotional stew we remain locked in - I think this also unlocks a key area in which we are different. I think dh has a greater tendency to consider our situation as fate, while I have a perhap naive tendency to go around in a crazy hurry trying to find 'a solution'!... But there is no clear solution and while we rarely agree on the next steps we do remain totally committed to one another and believe that the marriage is the fundamental basis on which any decision is going to be made. We will therefore have to find a compromise - and unfortunately living child free frequently seems the safest 'compromise', the default position (afterall can I bring a child into our lives under any circumstances knowing they are a compromise to one of us - I think if we could agree we could get behind the decision and it would be a compromise...)

It may sound silly but in the last month I keep remembering a friend deciding to read our palms as children (we were about 11) and announcing while reading mine that I would never have children - (she had previously confirmed to the other 4-5 friends that they would have 2 or 3 kids each or whatever)...so perhaps this is fate...

Anyway I have drivelled on long enough, and gone a long way from where I started.

thanks for starting this thread Barbarella -  my thoughts are with you all.

Lucy


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Lucy

Thank you for your kind words and replying to my post.  

Your post could have been written by a friend of mine, who needs donor eggs... her first donor IVF succeeded, but she miscarried.. she had told herself that she would do one cycle and then go for adoption.  Her heart lies with the adoption, but her dh wants to do another donor cycle.  I know they have now compromised and are going with another donor cycle.... but I know she will adopt one day as that is where her heart is.  She has always been against donor cycles due to personal reasons, but I think she is now coming round and is pleased that her dh persuaded her to go for it... she has a few more months wait yet.   

I think the imbalance could come from when one partner has something wrong, and the other doesn't.. it's a very difficult situation, because the partner with something wrong must blame themselves and this must bring on a whole new set of emotions, that the person with nothing wrong can't relate to... does that make sense...?

With my dh and I, there is nothing wrong on either side... but I feel that the problem must lie with me because I'm the one who can't conceive and tests have proved our egg/sperm compatibility is good (in fact, better than with donor...  ). I have literally done everything in my power to overcome this naturally... have been through a lot of self therapy, all the alternative therapies under the sun and even hypnotherapy, convinced that it must be something in my psyche to be causing this... but still nothing!!  So, it's still inconclusive, on both sides, although I do keep telling dh that perhaps he could try some self therapy.... lol...you might as well ask a man to wear high heels!!!

You have time on your side, although I'm sure that it doesn't feel like it... we were told that we are still very young to adopt... and yes, we can still adopt a baby... dh is 34, I'm 37 next week!  So, that certainly alleviated the pressure a bit.  

And please, don't listen to so called palm readers or mediums... I have been told by many that I would be "pregnant by the end of the year"... and I would have 3 children... etc. etc...  Anyone who tells an 11 yr old child that they will never have children isn't genuine IMO.  It is just their opinion.... and I have realised, having listened to so many people over the years (willing them to tell me what I wanted to hear)... that no-one knows our fate.. no-one!!  We should rely more on our own gut instincts than anyone elses... Hindsight is a great thing!

I wish you luck on your journey... keep in touch..  

Cxx


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## Gen (Dec 9, 2004)

Hi All

Reading these posts with great interests.

Just wanted to add my 2 pence.

DH and I are defiantly going to adopt if our tx is unsuccessful, after much thought.  From our discussions the point came up that the decision to live childfree should not be made, based on fear.

*fear we won't be able to love someone else's child..
*fear we won't be a good parent..
*fear that the child will "take away from your life" instead of add something..
*fear the child won't fit into the family...

etc, etc.

There is no right or wrong, however I think if the decision is based on fear, a lovely couple will end up missing a beautiful opportunity to experience the joys of parenthood, which goes beyond biology. 

Parenthood is an unknown journey even if a child is biologically our own, so naturally having fears is an element of the decision. 

I just can't bare the thought of a lovely couple choosing not to be parents because they are afraid.  Living child free sounds lovely, but the choice can also be looked at as "choosing not to be parents", that's the choice we are really making, and such a big choice is better made when based on Love.

Hope this perspective is helpful for anyone faced with the same decisions as my DH and I.

LOL Gen xOxOxO


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Gen

That is absolutely brilliant... you are so right... and I wholeheartedly agree with you... all my concerns are based on those fears you point out... and from having the 'luxury' of too much time to think about it.  Whilst I think that my experiences in the past 8 years will almost certainly make me a better mother... it also comes with too much analysis, when most parents-to-be have little time to think of the consequences...

From the bottom of my heart, thank you!!  I am going to copy your post and read it when times get tough, or uncertain!!!  

Cxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi girls
I have read your posts Gen and Lucy with interest. Its so nice to hear things from all different perspectives on IF, Living Child Free, adoption etc...Gen as Barbarella said that when she is down she will look at these comments  you have raised and this will put everything into prespective.... such lovely words.
Lucy and Barbarella I understand when you mention about having to deal with aspects of infertility. Its so hard not to blame each other and to be honest i think we may have all experienced these issues..I always found that people always ask where the problem lies and my reply was thats not an issue its both of our problem...we shared it and that helped us both through the years of IF without blaming each other...this unexplained infertility can also be so hard  because there never seems to be an answer...
I think its all about understanding where you and your partner are coming from on all aspects of IF and adoption. I wanted to adopt at one stage and couldn't bear the thought of living child free. I accepted where my Dh was coming from about not going down the adoption route. I suppose deep in my heart i knew that he wasn't happy about it. I think that i just accepted it in my own way that we would not go down this route. I think with all the years of treatment i think the fight has gone and thats how we are choosing to live a child free life..one that can be alittle scarey but knowing you have each other really helps to ease the pain...
I think you should follow your heart and do what makes you happy..Goodluck in all your decisions..
Lots of love astridxxx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi Astrid

I think you are very brave to have made the decision to not go any further, and to be honest, my dh and I have said to each other, that if one doesn't want to go ahead with the adoption, then that's it.

We have realised, throughout it all, that our marriage is the most important thing... and I feel we are lucky to feel that way... because I know many many people with children who don't feel that.

Good on you... and you can still live in hope... and so will I, every day, but I also chose not to accept any more heartbreak or pain... well not like I used to anyway.  We can't help the way we feel when we hear of another pregnancy announcement, but we can chose how long it affects us... !!!

Adoption is by no means an easy answer.. and if you haven't got that drive and gut instinct, then it's just not for you... I still don't know if it is for us... we'll see !!!

Love and luck to you.
Cxx


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## sally60 (Oct 13, 2004)

Gen, thanks for you post on adoption, i do agree with what you say and it also hits on the main fears associated with adoption - or as barbarella says - parenthood if you've got too much time to think about it!!

At the sametime we all seem to agree that it is the relationship between ourselves and our partners that has to be the bedrock of any decision. I think there are few things that can test a relationship as much as facing infertility - but at this stage I feel its been a bit like a gym session - its hurt, but nothings broken, and in the end the relationship feels stronger! Getting married was never just about having a family afterall and, however easy I find it to forget, parenthood is certainly not a automatic ticket to a big, warm, loving and happy family.

I don't know what we'll do. My DH has made me face, upfront, some of the challenges if we were to go the donor route and while I know this is a solution for many couples I know now it will never work for my husband and therefore it can't work for me. Even before we faced difficulties having a family adoption felt like a positive choice, if a scarey one. Unfortunately we are living in Asia at the moment (hence the 'midnight posts') - so plenty of time to think, but no ability to act until we come home in a couple of years, but perhaps thats a good thing.

Again its been really great to find this thread

best wishes to all

Lucy


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hello Ladies
I have just been catching up and have read all these posts with a lump in my throat, I really can empathize with you all and all these damn decisions we have to make, as you say time is a luxury we do have and it means that we find ourselves examining everything  
My DH and I once got in touch with the SW's about adoption and we had them come round our house to chat with us, I was scared stiff and hoped they would put me at my ease but instead they pretty much attacked me and everything I said, I really thought that we would be an ideal couple to adopt but they really put me off and belittled me, after they left I was so distraught that I have been adamant ever since that I will never go down the route of adoption, I know that they come out with the intent to sort out the determined couples from those just playing with the idea, I thought I was determined but they proved me wrong  

I am still battling with my decision to stop trying IVF, I am not sure who I have stopped for, I know for a fact that my dh is happy just the way we are and that he would "go along" with another attempt at IVF but he is really not that bothered about having children, he has two daughters already, he has no contact with one of them and has only in the last year had contact with the elder one (two different mothers) but he is not interested in her, her appearence into our lives has caused me much pain and I am still mending.

I am happy with my life and I love my dh dearly but I find myself buying things to try and fill gaps in my life (mainly animals) they only fill that void for a little while until that void starts building up inside me again.

I have no answers for any of you, if I find them I will let you know but I just wanted to wish you all well for whatever the future holds for you and to let you know that you are not alone.
Love Dydie xxxx


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

Hi Dydie

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience with the SW... I'm very surprised, although I know some SW's are a bit power crazy.  Ours was quite officious, but she definitely warmed up towards the end.

It would be a shame for one person to put you off pursuing the adoption route, if that was what you wanted.  I have to admit that I am a bit of a fatalist, and I think that kind of thing happens to steer you in the right direction.  Maybe adoption just isn't for you at the moment, or wasn't then.  That's how I'm coping with the process at the moment... the prep course is going well.. but if something doesn't along the way... then I'll know it's either there to make me think about things... or to stop us from making the wrong decision.

I know that my inbility to concieve for no reason, has pushed me down many paths in the past 8 years, many of them I wouldn't be without now...

I hope you come to a decision about the IVF that will give you peace of mind.  I suppose I am lucky in that I just knew it wasn't for me, and doing it made me realise that even more...

Best of luck to you...   

Cxx


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