# I am new and going to be starting icsi and parent's dont want to know.



## snuffy142 (Jan 28, 2006)

Hi I am 34 yrs old, my hubby is 31. My hubby has just finished banking 6 frozen sperm samples last monday. We were told by the consultant ie that once hubby had finished banking all six samples, then to wait for next cycle to start, then to ring st mary's manchester to request treatment. I have started my cycle today, and have contacted st mary's and have to ring back in the morning as it was about 5.15pm when i started this evening. Last month my parents came to our house, and we were having lunch round the table and i was just talking generally about where we were up to with what might be happening say if the treatment worked, i just simply said to my parents that there might be a very good chance that me and hubby might be parents to twins, now i don't know the reason for this but my parents just decided to change the subject and started to talk about something elso completely as though the subject had not been mentioned whatsoever.

I mean it would have been nice just to hear some words like, don't worry if you have any questions i will be here for you for advice, or support or even just be there, but there was no mention of this at all, which made me wonder what i was doing wrong for her not to mention these things. I mean my hubby's family are absolutely brilliant, his dad has taken him to st mary's to support andy, and they both want to take my hubby and on the days ie when say i am not well enough to travel on train ie for egg collection and also egg transfer, which i said is really kind of them, but I have explained that i don't want them to feel that they are having to do all the ferrying on those days, but they say that they would not have it any other way. I would like to know if anyone else has had similar experiences with their parents.

I would love to hear from anybody,this is a great weight lifted off my shoulders.

regards Mrs Snuffy142


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

Hi Mrs Snuffy

You are not alone hun  My parents have had their moments, My MIL ...least said soonest mended .... and My FIL just ignores the whole thing.

They probably don't know what to say and are embarrased hence changing the subject.
Anyway I'm glad you found ff and you know that whatever happens someone here will probably have been there too and understand.

Take care 

Debs


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## PoPs. (Mar 16, 2005)

Hi Mrs Snuffy

Welcome to Fertility Friends...................sorry your parents are not being supportive, it must be hard  

This site is really great, everyone is really supportive and there is always someone around to lend an ear!

Good luck with your If journey xx

Love PoPs xx


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## Wendy K (Sep 26, 2005)

Hi Snuffy  ,

I just wanted to say that my in laws are just as disinterested. I have found it very surprising and i'm sad to say upsetting so has my dh. They have shown no interest  in our plight and when the subject has occasionally come up they seem bored and change the subject. My dh initially thought it was because they were uncomfortable or they didn't know or understand much about fertility probs, but when he did try and explain a few things to his mum she changes the subject and talks about herself and her social life holidays etc;. He even emailed her recently a link to fertility friends which she eventually had a look at, and thats about all,  she said she'd  read a bit but made no further comment than that!! We had our first failure just before xmas and we were both so upset, she hasn't even asked us how we are or even sent a little card (which I thought she may do) how wrong was I! I never mentioned dh's dad because he simply has never even mentioned our situation (apart from a 3 years ago suggesting we just get drunk and shag!!LOVELY.) As if we hadn't tried that!!!!!!!
Thats how they conceived my dh after a party!   If only it was that easy, we'd have been pregnant years ago. Of course now drink is a distant memory!!

So I guess i'm trying to say that even though your parents didn't seem interested (this hopefully will change) other friends will be and thats whats important.
It gets you through. My sister and her dh and children and my absolutely fantastic mum, have been so wonderful and helpful,  my dh and I have had love and support and my mum is always looking for any info to help us on our difficult journey. So we have her to talk to. And FF is fab too.

I do hope things get better for you both.

Take care and babydust

  

Wendy K


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## Linda (Jan 3, 2006)

My MIL doesn't understand the concept of IVF, I think... When my fiance told her we were having IVF, she asked if it still takes 9 months like a normal pregnancy... 
My dad.. haven't spoken to him for over 2 years, he's only interested in his new wife and her family. So I don't have any suport at all from anywhere.

I guess it could be that they feel quite helpless, and maybe blaming themselves that you're having trouble conceiving? Also maybe they didn't want to encourage the talk of kids knowing that a cycle might just as easy fail, and didn't want to upset you??
It's really hard when those you most want to support you, are just not there for you.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Good luck!


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## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

Dear mrs snuffy

I understand your problem totally I am having the same and the reverse all at once. My own family are not concerned, interested or sympathetic, my dad (56) and wife (45) had a baby last year (naturally conceived)they had this advice for us "... dont worry it took us ages to get PG, about 6 mths...we were really worried, have you tried holding your legs in the air after sex?" I dont think they understand IF.

My inlaws are really intrusive and say the most hurtful things - yesterday it was "...unacceptable to use a sperm donor we couldnt love baby thats not our sons" before that we've had "...all this messing about with nature, theres plenty of women with no children just get over it" and the classic "...Ive been telling people about your HIV, they have all been very shocked" I think she meant IVF rather than HIV but unfortunately people are still crossing the road when they see us. 

If you want to have a massive rant about it feel free to message me, we can moan together, until i joined this site yesterday i thought i was gonna go mad

Lots of love and hugs XXX


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## levin (Jan 9, 2006)

Hiya Mrs Snuffy,
Sorry to hear that your parents aren't being very supportive, my parents and future in-laws are exactly the same so i know how you feel. My mum doesn't believe in IVF, she thinks its all about natural selection - some people aren't supposed to have babies to keep the population down - easily said since she has five kids herself!!!!!!    
My fiances parents don't want to talk about it at all, but i think with them its a guilt thing because he had undescended testicles when he was little and they didn't get it sorted out until it was way too late.
Needless to say it sometimes feels like no-one else cares what were going through. However, since i found this site a few weeks ago i've talked to some wonderful people who really are understanding and its helped me so much, i hope it helps you the same way. Good luck with everything hun.

Leanne x


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## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

Hi leanne

My word thats a terrible thing to be told by your mum, very harsh indeed. 
sending you all a big  

Caroline
x


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## levin (Jan 9, 2006)

Hi Caroline,
Thanks so much for that, until i found this site i was feeling really low but people like yourselves have helped me see that there are other people who understand and i feel so much happier knowing that there are people who care. So many people dont understand how hard it is to deal with infertility and can be really cruel. Thanks again.

Leanne x


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## Willowwisp (Aug 10, 2004)

Hi Snuffy

Firstly welcome to the site, its fantastic!!

I'm sorry your parents are not really interested, but the explanation could be that they don't really know what to say?? My dad has never mentioned our treatment once, he hasn't even asked how its going but thats just the way he is!!   My mum doesn't really agree with it and says 'maybe you should just accept it', err thats easy for her to say when she had twins 36 years ago!! Its our choice no one elses!! But she cried to her friend (my best mates mum) when my last cycle didn't work, but she didn't tell me that! She has also given us some money towards our treatment so she is interested and does care! 

On the other side my in laws are fully behind us and couldn't do enough for us, they even gave us a cheque over dinner one day for £2000 I was speachless!! I went for my DR scan with my MIL the other day and she was lovely! 

I think alot of people choose to say nothing in case they say the wrong thing! Deep down I should imagine you M&D are concerned and worried about you but just don't now what to say? Everyone deals with things differently, don't forget you will have loads of people/friends who are more that willing to listen to everything you have to say, me included!! PM me if you need to sound off or just need advice? I'm having ICSI to so can give you a few tips!!

 with your cycle Mrs Snuffy!!

Lots of Love

Willow
xx


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## Natalina (Jan 11, 2005)

Hello Mrs Snuffy and everyone who has gone through similar. It really angers me when I hear of things like this. It is understandable when other ppl cannot be bothered but when it is family it is quite ridiculous.
My MIL has no understanding of anything. She is very insensitive and only out for what she can get. Last may I had a failed attempt at IUI. We were at her house when I started my period and saw me cry. She also knew I was advised to do a pregnancy test, the following Wednesday, just to make sure. After having a BFN I was quite upset. She decides to call me on that day and asks me to watch a programme on the discovery health channel that shows us how they take pictures of babies in the womb. When I informed her I had just had a BFN she said never mind watch it anyway it is interesting.

My SIL told me she hopes we never have kids!!!

My DH was very upset by this and now we have very little to do with his family. He says we should only be with ppl that support us and who try to give us help with our situation. He says the more stressed we are the less chance of us getting pregnant anyway, so we have to make ourselves the priority.

Good luck to you all with these difficult times and I will definitely be sending all of you lots of positive energy and babydust.

Natalina xxx


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## jo &amp; ian (Nov 27, 2005)

its a difficult subject for some people to talk about isnt it? 
my inlaws were pretty clued up on it, and were pretty cool to talk to  they listened when we needed them to, but didnt interfere (much)
i couldnt really talk to my mum when i was having treatment, she was all "babies babies babies" and i was sure it was going to fail so i couldnt really mention the icsi or she'd go all doe eyed and start talking about baby grows etc which i felt put alot of pressure on me.
my dad was and is wierd about the whole thing, i thought he had no interest, truth was he was more uptight than us, and he still is, he wouldnt listen to any of my pregnancy related stuff until i was 12 weeks (and actually told me that - which made it easier to understand his reaction) he's still a bit cautious but keeps getting a tear in his eye - its not like him. now he doesnt want to know what sex they are until they get here.

i think for some people they feel that theyre pushing their luck if they talk about the possible end product ( so to speak)


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## Harps (Nov 27, 2005)

Hi Snuffy 
I just wanted to say that I have the same situation and am still realling from finding this out.  My parents and I have always been close.  I hadn't told them about our problems as they have had problems of their own lately and I didn't want to worry them.  Well I needn't have worried!!!  They came to stay last week and after planning what I was going to say to my mum for ages I finally found a moment and told her.  Well she really didn't say anything!  There was silence, murmering, oh dear, that's not very nice for you.  How does your dh feel about doing this!? ..  I said that I might need some help looking after ds (2 years), but she did not reply.  Then all went silent.  Then, she starts asking us if we are planning to go on holiday soon!!  Well, that was on Weds and she left today - not a single mention of it.  And, my Dad has not said a word about it although I know she has told him.  I'm really shocked.  Not an arm around the shoulder, not a single question, absolutely nothing.  Then, when they left I thought they might wish me luck for this Wednesday (initial appointment for ICSI), but, no, nothing.  I am still in shock!  Haven't tried my in laws yet, but this has rather put me off!!  

Anyway, it'll be worth it in the end    Parents can be strange things....


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## Natalina (Jan 11, 2005)

Hello all hope you are all feeling better about your family situation. I just wanted to ask Harps how did you get on at your initial appt?

Natalina xxx


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## Mathilda (Feb 15, 2006)

hi Snuffy,  
I'm just new to the site too but find it really nice to have so many supportive people around who are more or less all in the same boat. Family can be very difficult- mine are usually pretty supportive about things, but in this area they have no previous experience and so don't really have the first clue about what we are going through. I began by telling my parents everything about our troubles and how we really wanted a baby etc etc, I then found out that most of my relatives and most of my parents friends seem to know all about our (personal) difficulties in trying to conceive.   I know that it wasn't malicious, just insensitive. Now I keep it all to myself   and have not told any family about starting on IUI treatment next month. It's difficult, but ultimately when we are going through what we are going through we have enough stress anyway without worrying about other people. Don't let them get you down- just focus on each other, that's all that counts in the long run!
xxx


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## petal pie (Jan 27, 2006)

I am glad i am not the only one with funny parents! My dad says nothing at all about it. My mum can be really supportive and friendly one moment and then really disinterested the next. when i started clomid and metformin i was really excited. I told my mother who said nothing and soon changed the subject. I was like HELLO! are you listening to me!!! She does not sympathise with my BFN's and side effects at all. You think that your mum would be the one person in the world that would be sympathetic and supportive but mines not. I would like to say I'm glad I'm not the only one but i hate the fact that others are going through this as well. 
My advice is only rely on the supportive ones around you (generally your friends) as they are the ones that are going to be the most supportive and helpful through all of this.


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## RosJ (Jan 23, 2006)

Hi 
I just read through everyone's posts and on balance I feel a bit better about my parents-I get no reaction at all from my Dad (he left the room this Xmas when I started talking about it). With my Mum, she varies between assuming its definitely going to work (a bit odd, as I dont even know what treatment I might get yet-next appointment on 21 March) and then saying cheery things like "oh well, if you dont have children you can go on more holidays!"
I think this is all a generational thing-my Dad just doesnt talk about things like this, and for my Mum, she only ever worried about contraception and having too many babies-maybe she even thinks that being a mother hasn't been so great for her? 
All in all, I think they are from a very different generation-the idea of sharing personal info on a message board like this would horrify them-but I know they love me and probably do think about it and worry-being open about things is just so difficult for them.


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## iolite (Feb 18, 2006)

I have had a tricky time with my inlaws also. Last year whilst i was filling the dishwasher my MIL said that the problem is that these girls are too selfish to have babies. Whereas my M is obsessed with them and everytime she speaks to me i hear all about how everyone else espec relatives are pregnant or having their second child etc..i dont think she intends to be insensitive but i find it incredibaly hard and am constantly feeling inadequate, deprived and useless.iolitex


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## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

In-Laws! this w/end were explaining why we are considering adopting abroad,which was met with unbelievable, unacceptable racist comments. I told them I find it offensive but they ignored me saying I should only adopt 'one of my own' so I explained my ethnic heritage (indian grandfather) I have have ginger hair and white skin so they couldnt get their head round it.I was really angry but calmly said it really didnt matter as they would have no contact with any of our future children cos they have values we dont share and if our children ask why they dont see their grandparents we would tell them exactly why.My MIL tried to have the last word by telling me I had 'kicked her in the face' that evening by not eating my dinner! as if such a crime deserved those comments, I just had to laugh at how pathetic she is. I am realy finding an inner strength I didnt know I had B4 I found out about our IF, you could write a book about coping with families, friends and work when going thru this, maybe I will.


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hiya...

I'm new on here also and I'm also being treated through St Mary's.. 

I was quite relieved to read your post and find we're not the only ones with socially inept parents!  )  When I told my Mum last week that we'd been accepted for ICSI she said "Oh right, well I'm having an abo****e nightmare because my new Settee's out of stock at DFS!!!!"  My MIL said "Oh well I dont know why you'd want any kids anyway!!"

I think partly it's because they dont know how to respond and partly because they worry - after all we're their kids and they no doubt will have seen allsorts of telly programmes depicting allsorts of horrors in IVF and they worry... But I personally would rather they said they dont know what to say or whatever than act like they dont care (which I'm sure they do in their own way!).

My mum then rang me back later and started to tell me how worried she was about me and how she wished we'd just decide kids weren't for us so I didn't have to have any procedures or drugs!!!  I'm ashamed to say I was quite harsh with her and told her to ring my sister, her friend or the samaritans to discuss her worries cos I only had brain space for the emotions of me and Steve!!!   

I have no advice for anyone else, because I'm one of the least experienced most frightened people on here, but we've taken the decision to tell anyone with anything other than positive supportive comments to change the subject!  We have an added complication that my dad's wife is a re-born christian and objects to assisted conceptions completely!!    

Ah well... will be all worth it in the end hopefully!

Good Luck everyone

xx


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## Natalina (Jan 11, 2005)

Mandy just remember this is about you and your husband and nothing to do with anyone else. If they don't like it or disagree then tough for them. Anyone who is a true friend to you and your DH will be sympathetic and understanding.

Keep smiling and good luck

Natalina xxx


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## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

Mandy

I totally understand where you are coming from with the reborn christian thing, my MIL is a self described 'devout baptist' and thinks we are messing with Gods plan/nature the same as yours does. 

Fertility treatment is no different than any other medical treatment, I told my MIL if she didnt have treatment for heart disease she would be dead therefore the medical intervention she has received has messed with the almighty's plan too, my MIL had to put that in her 'holier than thou' pipe and smoke it! 

It is very unchristian of your MIL to be so judgemental, if God didnt want us to create new life thru advances in science I dont think he would have given humans scientific brains, medical science is one of Gods gift to mankind! (see how she likes that)

Chin up babe, be strong and fight your corner, the most difficult roads to travel have the best destinations!!

Caroline x


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## brownowl23 (Jan 3, 2006)

Hi Mrs Snuffy

I have to say I know where you are coming from. Its only now, 19 years on from the start of my IF journey that I can actually have a conversation with my parents. It took them that long and me two husbands  for them to realise that I really did have an IF issue. 

They try to be supportive now, although at times my mum still has problems understanding how my severe fear of hospitals affects the IF journey for us. Although she is at least better at stopping herself mid-sentence when she realises she is about to put her size 7 boot in it  

It may take them some time to understand what your going through but dont give up on talking to them and letting them know whats going on, even if they do change the subject on you. What you are saying will sink in and given time they will understand. 

Chris


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hey Caroline

Nice to know I'm not the only one with religious fanatics in the family!   I did tell my dad's wife that she was of course, entitled to her opinion but that actually she wasn't entitled to share it with with me or my dh!!  That shut her up for now!!  I agree with you, god gave man the science to do this and I therefore think that makes it more of a miracle not less and to be quite honest so long as we're both happy with what's happening then she can butt out!    I think it's easy to have all these religious principles when you've got kids of your own already, but if she was in the position all of us are in then it might be more difficult for her to stick to em!  Same with your MIL I suppose..

Take care hun... TTFN

Amanda


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## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

Amanda

Im gald you thought my comments were constructive, I sometimes cant help getting on my high horse over stupid uneducated comments, least of all about IF and ignorance towards what it is and its implications.
You have hit the nail on the head about principles being relative to your own situation, my MIL had a baby that sadly died from sudden infant death sydrome about 38 yrs ago, she was desperate to have more children to reduce her grief and did have 2 more children. The best way I can explain my situation to her is to ask her to think about how she felt when her baby died and what she would have done if she had been told she could have no more naturally - of course she said she would be desperate and do absolutely anything ... I have since rested my case on the whole science/religion debate with her. She was blissfully unaware that I went to a church school for 13 years.

Caroline xx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

I have a really bad habit of telling anyone that asks about children why we don't have them. It drives my DH mad when even the manager of my gym knows. Not sure why I do it, I do not know how you all manage keeping all that emotion in. Maybe its cause I have no close family to talk to, I will get the support where I can...


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