# Thread for chatting about negative cycles :(



## Irish Dee

Hello everyone,

Having had the benefit of joining the 2WW thread, I found it very helpful having contact with ladies who were in the same situation as myself.  

I don't feel quite ready to join the inbetweeners thread and just feel that it would be great to chat to ladies who are going through the initial grief and pain of a negative cycle.

A little about me,  I'm 37 and I've just had my 2nd negative cycle.

I did short protocol, with AF on Tuesday July 21st and started stimming on Thursday 23rd.

Textbook cycle with 11 eggs, 10 mature, 7 fertilised and 2 beautiful embies transfered on day 3.  OTD was supposed to be Friday 21st August and AF arrived with a vengeance on Saturday 15th.  I was not even due on until this weekend, so to say I was shocked is an understatement.  

I feel so cheated as I never even got to do a pregnancy test.

I'm feeling a bit numb and so disappointed.

Anyone else?

Dee
xx


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## Miki D

Hiya Dee,

Great idea to start this thread, think it will help a lot of us who are still feeling the pain of a bfn.

Really sorry to hear about yours   hope you're coping ok. I too have just had my 2nd bfn. I thought it would be easier 2nd time round but it's actually harder. Ladies who go through this time after time are truly amazing and very strong.

I know how you feel about never getting to do a hpt, AF always arrives before for me too. Do you think a higher dose of progesterone would help? I may ask that at my review consultation.

It's all so disappointing and painful to go through, it helps so much to chat to others in the same boat.

Big big   to all.

Miki
xxx


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## jenny80

Hi

This thread is such a good idea, I too have had another negative, i felt like i was falling apart last week but slowly an feeling alive again, just dont feel like me yet!!!

I know it sounds bad but the girl I work with has a 1 year old baby and all she talks about is her and i just wish she would stop, i smile nicely but inside i just wish it was me!!

It  feels like a BFP is never going to happen for me, but there may be a small hope if i cant more money

one day .........................

Jenny


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## LEXEY

great thred DEE    i think off you so often please keep in touch   xxx  thinkin off you all


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## Irish Dee

Hi ladies,

It's so sad that there are more girls than just me going through this nightmare, but I really think that we can support each other. As good as my DH is, (and he is a fantastic hubby), no one understands how difficult this is except for others who have gone through it.

Tears are never too far away from my eyes, but I feel that once tomorrow passes, (my OTD), that I can start coping a little better.

I'm doing the normal things, going to work and making dinner, but my heart is not in anything I do.  I have looked and questioned every inch of my cycle and the only positive thing is that I know that I did EVERYTHING right.  This does make me feel a little better as I can't look back and think, 'if only I hadn't.........'.

We've decided that we are not going try to use our frosties until the New Year as I just could not face 3 negative cycles in one year.    

I knew it would be hard, but I feel as if I have been actually punched in the stomach.  Finding it very hard to concentrate on anything, and my mind just keeps ticking over and over.

I feel so raw and just feel that life if very unfair.  

Looking forward to supporting and getting supported over the next few weeks, until I have the straight to move to the inbetweeners.

Crying again now,  

Dee


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## Miki D

Sending you a big   Dee
x


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## LEXEY

dee give yourself some time  dont expect to much to soon    my last neg was in feb and am still not rite  am sure my situation  (had a lot off dissapointment ) in the last 2 yeard  has a lot to do with the way i feel but its so hard just dealin with a neg    be kind to yourself and ill    each day becomes a little lighter xxxx take care hun xxx


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## Irish Dee

Hi Lexey,

Have you got plans to do more treatment, (if that's not to much of a nosey question).  I realise what you mean about allowing ourselves some time to start feeling better.

Not saying that I'm anyway near over it, but even 5 days after my BFN, I do feel a little stronger.  IVF is like a massive game of snakes and ladders and you never know where the next 'high' or 'low' comes from.

Hugs to all who find themselves here.

Dee


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## Belbs

Thanx for the thread Dee. 

Hello All.    

I am so sorry you are all suffering.   

I too, am finding it all too much. Three bfn's in 11 months has been hard on my spirit and I don't feel me at the moment. I can't think about anything else.
I have given up my job (teaching) because I found it so hard being around children every day, especially when their parents came to pick them up with little babies and toddlers. There were 5 babies born last school year in the lower school where I was the co-ordinator. Two of those were from parents of my class. I couldn't bear hearing about how many teeth they had and when they could crawl etc; from the cute little boys in my class - bless them, they weren't to know!!
I got my bfn on Saturday and have cancelled two nights out this week as I don't want to be with anyone but my DP.

Life is so unfair but I am so thankful to FF and to all you ladies for being so supportive.

I hope we can all start to feel a lot better over the next few weeks by being able to get things off our chest here.


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## Irish Dee

Hi Belbs,

.

I've had 2 negative cycles, one in March and one last week.  That's why we decided to wait until the New Year to start again.  Could not face 3 BFN's in one year.  You have been through the mill.

Dee
x


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## Belbs

Hi Dee,

We waited 7 months to start this last tx. Mostly so my DP could lose weight - she has lost over 2 stone now which is excellent - even if the tx didn't work this time at least she is healthier & fitter.

I think waiting until the NY is probably a good idea to give you time to have your life back for a while. I found a break made me look forward to the next tx rather than having negative thoughts about the last cycle. 

Belbs xxx


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## LEXEY

HI GIRLS HUGS TO YOU ALL    
DEE yes av booked app to REPROFIT nxt year  nothin set in stone but i guess havin a choice helps its been 6 months since my last neg and am still not rite although over the last 2 years av not had much luck an accident at work ( crushed myhand ) and now left with permenent nerve damage  loosing my dad at  new year and the recent shock my best friend s got cancer  so quite a bit goin on  am just glad right now iv some tx free time to be abel to get my head together although i still beat myself  with if buts and coconuts  hows you hun  i think with the rite support wel manage to get there  FF is a great place to find people who understand  xxxxx


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## Juls78

ok ladies , i don't know if i'm welcome on here cos i had a bfp but its all over now.

Not good news for us today, after a very painful night i phoned the clinic who told me to go in and after a very thorough scan we were told it was a chemical pregnancy and no sign of embryo development was to be seen. Not really too surprised but bitterly disappointed. It has been one hell of a month. Butwhat can we do nothing, got to accept it and move on eventually. Glad in a way i didn't have to wait another 10 days. Stop taking the gestone today and then  Should expect the witch in 2 weeks. 

There is some trauma near my right ovasry that they are keeping an eye on (1% chance of ectopic).

Need time to weigh up options now. We will definately go again but when is the issue. We were told we could try again as soon as october but may decide to wait till after christmas.


Hope we can give eachother some well deserved virtual support.


Julsxx


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## jenny80

Hi Jules

Welcome hunny!!

You have been through such a sad event so sending you a big hun.

You sound really focused on the future which is good.  I know its hard but time will help, be nice to yourself and take a break 

Am here if you want to chat!

Thinking of you

jenny


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## jossy

Hi dee , Juls and rest of you girls...dee and Juls I think you were on another thread that I was on too. I am afraid I had BFN today....in one way I am glad the waiting is over...but I am gutted. But on the other hand it was only our first try and I know that the docs know more about my physiology now and they can tweak the treatment protocol for next time......even so it's ****y. And I have to have an af to add insult to injury!

snakes and ladders is such a good description!

Jx


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## Irish Dee

Hi Jules78,

So, so sorry to see you hear on this thread.  I was so pleased when you tested on your OTD and got a positive, you were one of my reasons that I had decided not to test until OTD, but unfortunately AF arrived and spoilt the party for me 6 days before OTD.

Our numbers are growing on this thread and I'm sure we can all help each other over the next few weeks.

6 days on from my BFN and I'm feeling a little stronger.  Me and DH have decided not to do anything else until early 2010 and have booked ourselves a long weekend in Barcelona in September.  It's not that I'm trying to run away from my problems, but we have been living such a quiet life in anticipation of our recent treatment, that we have not done much for 'us' recently.

Again, Juls, you must be devastated.  Bad enough to get a BFN, but to get a positive and then to have it cruelly snatched away must be awful.

 ,

Dee


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## LEXEY

juls SO SORRY HUN     its a crule world sometimes love n hugs to you an your dh   dee havin somthin to look 4ward to is a great idear  just take 1 day at a time hun xxxx   love to you all


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## Belbs

I am very sorry to hear your news Juls.     I hope all is ok with your right ovary. It must such an awful disappointment - so hard for you both.    

Dee, good to hear you've got a holiday booked. Good way to treat yourself.  

I am just desperate for my follow-up consultation so I can move on and know what we are going to do next. Still obsessing about this last tx!  

Belbs xxx


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## Belbs

Just found this thread for a petition if anyone is interested.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=203111.0;topicseen


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## Belbs

Morning All  

Well, I've got a bbq to go to today and really not feeling up to it. One of my friend's will be there with her LO's who I usually play happily with. Not feeling jolly enough to be around them but I'm sure I'll manage a brave face! Alcohol should help...   

Hope you have all got something nice planned for the weekend. 

Belbs xxx


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## LEXEY

i know those days to well ill be thinkin off you x


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## Lavendarlady

Hi ladies

Hope you don't mind me joining this thread, I didn't see it when I posted my original essay, I was so intent on doing it.  I am really dreading going into work tomorrow.  I've had the last 2 and a half weeks off as holidays and only a couple of people on the large team I work with know why.  So I'll be going in tomorrow to how was your holidays etc and I know I'm going to crumble.  Not feeling strong at all.

Does anyone else feel like this?


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## jossy

hi lavenderlady

I go back to work tomorrow and think I'll jus give short answers "yes, lovely thankyou" etc....be strong every day that passes you will be a bit stronger... And keep saying my time will come

Jx


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## Lavendarlady

Hi Jossy

Thanks yes I will try to be. That's a good idea to keep your answers short and polite.  I hope you also manage to stay strong and not give up hope.

B


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## Lavendarlady

Hi

It's me again.  Well I went back to work today and my mgr had a chat with me about things, and then she told me one of my colleagues who I work closely with has just found out she's pregnant.  Why oh why do I always seem to be told someone is pregnant either just before or after tx's!!  I feel so low.  Sorry, just had to vent!


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## jenny80

Lavendarlady,

Thinking of you.

The first day back after my BFN someone asked how are you ? been in door of work 2 mins and burst into tears.  I have now adopted the plan of telling the truth people ask how are you and i respond not good and I dont want to talk about it. Its a hard thing to do at first but i am fed up with everyone thinking i am ok as i am not IVF has destroyed my life and i know time helps but at the moment i need to protect me.

I am not going to lie first week back is hard but when it reaches friday you will be proud of yourself as you survived.

Your stronger than you think

Thinking of you all

jenny


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## jossy

Oh god

so sorry to hear that I know what you mean though. We had my parents over for dinner yesterday and my mum and i were talking about my sister she has ds age 1 and was telling me that she expects her to start trying again in the next year...had to fight to hold tears back. Not that I don't want her to have more of course I do! and it's not everyone elses' babies we want it just highlights our hurt every time we are faced with news of others babies. But I say to myself the world is going to go on having babies regardless of me and my situation. Every time I feel a hurt i say to myself 'my time will come ' and think in the long term not the short term......hope this helps. Keep you chin up and have a good cry at home if you need to.

I haven't slept at all well since my bfn on fri. thoughts just keep going round my head.....I went to supermarket to stock up on food good for endo! was thinking about it at 4 this morning! I think that if I know I am doing something positive I am moving forward. I am going to start running again also good for endo (exercise that is) . Also going to do acu as I did it when I was dr once and got big pain after wards in my ovary and stopped as i didn't want it to compromise tx. but think i should start it now bf my next tx as it definitely did something.

Jx


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## Lavendarlady

Thanks both so much for replying, FF is really helping me at the moment.

I know what you mean Jenny, it does get easier by the end of the week.  I was sobbing the moment I went through the door this morning and one of my colleagues (who is also a friend) had to give me a big hug.  How are you feeling now?  I hope you're feeling stronger.

Jossy, I really feel for you  re your sister's plans as of course you're happy for them but as you say, it highlights our own hurt.  Also, I imagine now you'll be bracing yourself for the news? that's what I'm always like..

I had a chat with my colleague and she cried as she didn't want to upset me, and that made me feel worse and I ended up comforting her.  I just asked if she could be sensitive towards me re not talking about it loads in front of me and also asked her not to be offended if I don't look at her scan pictures, she said she understood.

I've been having acupuncture for over 12mths now (only the treatment, not any herbs) and I really do enjoy it.  Obviously tx not worked for me, but it does work for many who have acupuncture.  I'll still keep on with it as I think it helps with stress.  I didn't know that excerise was supposed to be good for the endo.  I've also decided that I'm going to start back at fitness classes again I think.  I used to love body combat but then I read in a book (years ago when we first started TTC) that you shouldn't do really strenous excercise when TTC so I knocked it on the head and put a stone and a half on.  Now I think, I'll just do it anyway, afterall loads of women get pregnant whilst doing all kinds of things.

Thanks again for your support ladies and thinking of you too.  I hope I can give support like its given to me.....


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## LEXEY

girls hang in there it dose get easyr to deal with ist earley days go easy on yourself am thinkin off you xxx


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## Irish Dee

Hello top every strong, wonderful lady on this thread,

I read this poem on another thread and it just spoke to me, so will pop it here.

It's been 9 days since my BFN and I have to say that I'm feeling stronger. I think once my OTD passed, I did not have any other dates marked in my diary. I indulged in far to many beers on Saturday night with DH, but we needed the blowout and even though we talked about it a lot, I did not howl like I have been doing, so that must be progress right??

Hope that everyone is taking care of themselves.

Dee
*************************************************************************************************
*What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?*
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Author unknown


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## jossy

love the poem! so true

glad you had a blow out we did too on the wine......lovely

Jx


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## Miki D

Hi ladies,

Hope you're all ok and things are getting a bit easier  

Just wanted to say I had a look back through the thread. Wow that poem is so lovely, I'm sat at my desk at work and it brought tears to my eyes. I'm going to print it out and keep it in my bag so I can read it when I'm feeling low. Thanks Dee  

Miki
xxx


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## als2003flower

Hi all

I just wanted to send you      its soo hard finding strength to be 'normal' 

odriscde01  -  that is soo beautiful 

Thinking of you all


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## tropifruiti

Dee
Can i just ask which SP you were on as i am not sure it was for me? Didi you do the antagonist one with no down regging? My first BFN was on the LP and i had 5 eggs retrieved this time i only had one follicle and they cancelled the procedure. I am just a bit confused as the consultatnt told me he would do the same short protocol again if / when we tried again?
Thanks. 
Sending everyone lots of   and  . Let's get back out there and start living.


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## Irish Dee

Hi tropifruti,

I had no down regualing, just straight stimming and then egg collection.  I had my 1st injection on Thursday 23rd of July and had 2 embies put back on Thursday 6th of August.  Unfortunatley AF arrived 6 days before OTD, but we do have 5 snow babies on ice.  I responded well to the short protocol and would defo do it in the future.

Dee
x


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## Lavendarlady

Hi ladies

Hope everyone ok, well not ok, but you know what I mean.  

Dee, that poem is really lovely, I'm also going to print a copy off and keep it with me.

It is VERY hard to find the strength to stay 'normal'.

Thinking of you all.


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## NikNik

Hi everyone,

just found this thread and what a great idea for us to get together and have a chat.  Hope you are all well (as good as you can be anyway).  I got a follow-up appt mid september (which arrived a few days after I told hoz about bfn), but its all about self funding now - not sure if its viable for us, no idea how much it will be, we had icsi this time.

2 weeks after my bfn i got a letter from hoz about seeing a counsellor - bit late i think.

Juls, was so sorry to see you on here my lovely, i didnt know hunny, loads of love to you xxxxx

Nik xx


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## jossy

Hi Nik, welcome this is a nice thread where we can all support each other and lick our wounds! Glad you got your follow up , mine is on fri ( by phone) coz the clinic is 4 hours away in dublin. I see you are an endo sufferer too. Are there any specific questions that are relevant to endo do you think? Did they tell you much about being on the prostrap before tx? I was on decapeptyl for 3 months b4 tx and did long protocol and because my amh was indicating risk of over stimulating they put me on 225 purgon. But I didn't respond well had 3 good size follicles from start with lots of small ones which didn't catch up. I wondered whether being in temporary menopause for 3 months b4 tx had anything to do with it? would love to know your thoughts....

Jx


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## LEXEY

just wanted to pop in and see how every1 is huge hugs to you all     NIK NIK welcome hun      just noticed your from the LWH  who you under  i was at the womans  DEE thanks hun x   love to every1 xxxx


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## NikNik

Hi girls,

jossy - i'm trying not to think about the 3 month menopause having an effect, but i kind of think it might have had something to do with it.  Ever since I started with my AF after my bfn, i've been getting hot flushes and headaches like i did on prostap, so still think its in my system.  Surely that cant be conducive to getting pregnant

Lexey - i'm under Mr Shaw because i was originally at Fazakerly.  Although I never seem to see a consultant.  Mr Drakely removed my last lot of endo and i've seen mr gusvanni (not sure on spelling) a couple of times. Its his clinic on the follow up letter, but probably wont see him, maybe see a cleaner or receptionist if I'm lucky, lol.
            
Nik xx


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## Belbs

Hi ladies,

I've been floating around but haven't posted for a few days. I have been feeling quite down after the BBQ on Saturday as I got very drunk and then got rather upset whilst telling two of my friends all about our last tx. I felt a bit better for getting lots of thoughts off my chest - mostly feeling jealous of my sister who is 12 weeks pregnant. I can't help those feelings but wish I hadn't told my friends as they probably think I am an awful person. Thankfully, I don't remember what they said as it is all a bit of a blur now. 

Anyway, my DP & I have been for our follow-up consultation today. I have told our consultant our concerns and we now have to go back in two weeks to discuss again! Here is a link to a thread about my last tx where I have briefly (!) explained what happened.
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=205593.msg3244409#new

Good luck with all of your follow-ups. I hope you are all managing to take each days as it comes and are finding fun things to do to make life more enjoyable at this difficult time.

   to you all and thanx for being here for the support.

Belbs xxx


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## jossy

Thanks Nik...I am going to ask the question on fri so will let you know...I think it might have something to do with why I got so few eggs.
Belbs I know exactly how you feel...my sister's baby is 1 in a few weeks and I am just bracing myself for the news of no 2. Also my sister inlaw has had 2 more since wee had our DS. It's very hard and of course I am happy for them and it's lovely for ds to have cousins...but it just highlights our hurt even more than when friends get pg as it is so close and you can't distance yourself form it....I am just thinking long term keep saying ok this year sometime will be our turn ...as this seems to help me and the word is going to keep on having babies....

Jx


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## Mrs Rock

Hi Dee, Juls, Nik, Jossy and everyone else,
So sorry we are all on this thread!
I thought I was getting better but I don't think I really am, I seem to cry every day about something or other.  The slightest thing is enough to set me off.  Today's was an email from one of my (I thought) best friends apologising for not being in touch and suggesting we catch up.  Haven't heard from her since I started treatment except when I told her things weren't going entirely to plan (I was over stimming) and I said I'd fill her in when we met up.  Since then, silence.  Tjhis email today seems like too little, too late.  I needed her then and I just feel really let down.

Is it normal to feel this weepy and upset all the time?  It's almost 3 weeks since BFN now.

The week before I started down reg, my sister attempted suicide due to the break up of her marriage.  Been trying my best to support her all the while the IVF was going on and she's getting help, but she's still so down and there's not much I can really do.  I just feel like I have had all I can take.  The friend who emailed me today knew about my sister too.

Sorry to moan!  how to feel better??


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## jossy

Hi Mrs Rock...sorry to hear that you are so down and to hear about your sister. What a lot you have been through I am sure if you need to cry then that is OK it has to come out. Big   to you. Take care.

Jx


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## LEXEY

nik  mr gaz is lovely but av you seen mr kingsland  OMG  he is to die 4   and a lovley dr to  
mrs rock SORRY TO HERE YOUR SO DOWN HUN    my last tx was feb gone and i still have some weepy moments    having 1 right now    hang in there


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## Miki D

Hi Mrs Rock, so sorry to hear what you've been through. It's 3 weeks since my BFN too. Getting it all out and crying as much as you need to does help, it's helped me, although the slightest thing sets me off, I'm very emotional about everything at the mo (even x factor   ). I think it's a case of getting it out of your system and it's not a process that can be rushed, but you will come out of the other side and begin to feel better.

I've also had a similar situation with my sister/friends etc. where they just haven't been in touch when I've needed them. But I really think it's because they don't know what to say and are scared of saying the wrong thing   Maybe the only way to get round this is to talk to them...something I need to do too!


Really hope you're feeling better soon  

Miki
xxx


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## Lavendarlady

Firstly to Shelley and to all the other ladies who I've met on here and the ones I've not.

I wasn't online last night so have just been trying to catch up.

I'm so sorry to hear of your BFN Shelley it's so hard.  WHY WHY WHY will be running through your head.  

Apologies that I can't remember everyones names while I'm typing this but Mrs Rock you're going through such a lot!

I don't think there is a time limit of when you should feel better.  I am a real mess at the moment, I am lapsing into depression now.  I've been having counselling for a year which has helped immensely, but I've gone into that black hole since my BFN last week and I can't seem to pull myself out of it.  I am crying at everything and anything and worry that my DH will get fed  up of me.  This was our last attempt but its so hard to let go.  I have no sense of joy at all in anything.

Belbs, I understand completely about being jealous of your sister.  I am in the same situation with 2 members of my family and you're constantly worrying that people will think you're an awful person.  Dee responded to my initial post on another thread with some very accurate perceptions which helped alot, if you'd like to read it - its under 4th BFN, finding it hard to cope.

Thinking of you all and thanks for your support.


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## eddy73

hello

it's OTD and my HPT is a BFN. it's not a surprise. i have been beeding since sat. i tried to convince myself it wasnt AF but it was. its only my 1st attempt but god its so hard. i feel so empty. i found the tx hardwork and the thought of doing it again makes me feel ill. but so does the thought of not having a baby. i want to scream and shout. and run and hide. it feels overwhelming. i cant seem to show it. DH is sad too. but i dont think he knows how sad i feel. i am a master at repression. i am scared that if i show a bit it will engulf me and i'll never get on top of it. i feel on the edge of a big black hole. i feel selfish even typing this. esp when its only cycle 1. i dont know what to do with myself to make it feel manageable. 

my love to all fellow BFNers. god this is tough.

eddy xxx


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## niccad

Hi all... sorry to see so many of us on here and so many familiar names from the July/Aug thread. Like Eddy it's my OTD today, but no need to do any test as AF came last thursday. Been crying this morning a lot as I guess OTD is the final bit of my tx cycle. Caz has also recently updated the other thread and it really upset me to see the   next to my name   
Mrs Rock - I think all of us are going to be suffering from some kind of depression over the next few months and we'll all be on emotional knife-edges from what we've been through. Crying at the slightest thing and finding it hard to find joy in life is normal and part of the grieving process. We're all going to need a lot of support over the next few months and our friends have no idea what this journey is like which is why FF is so great. I still haven't managed to actually speak to any of my friends... I emailed that ones that know, but just can't face talking to them. The only one I did try and call has been on vm since Thursday!! I emailed her with the news and she's not called (even though we've been speaking almost every day up until now). I'm gutted, but can only guess that she just doesn't know what to say... (or her phone has been stolen)....
Have any of you been offered counselling through your clinics

Nic xx


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## jossy

Well girls had my follow up consultation and frankly I ma gutted...it turns out that endo is a great big bogeyman who has ruined my eggs.......we are having more tests to rule out anything else ie sperm fragmentation and me immune issues etc....then doing short protocol and icsi even though we had 2 out of 3 fertilse with ivf , but he wants to see if icsi can up our fertilisation rate..if I had been on pill after ds born none of this would have happened, I wasn't on pill coz didn't know I had endo and when I was on it in my early 20s it made me produce milk! yes really! so I haven't been on it for years..I am so angry , and devastated...doc has suggested a blast cycle to see what happens to the embies after day 3 i.e. to see if it is a cell division issue, but he said our chances of getting no blasts is 1 in 3 or 4...don't know how comfortable i feel with a blast cycle with odds against us like that.....it's so crap am crying all the time, not sleeping......feel so deflated and I know I have ds and I am so greatful but ......i want another baby i want him to have a sibling...it's one thing to be told you have to have ivf anothet to be told by the ivf doc that your chances are slim....grrrrrrrrrr. sorry for the rant I know we all have these feeliongs but I needed to get it out there. 

Does anyone know what you can do to up quality of eggs and not get so many immature and 'dark' eggs as the doc called them...I have not had alcohol or caffene for 2 months and have started on the endo diet i.e low dairy, wheat eat flax seeds, maca lots of fruit etc oh and sweet potato....also have bought zita west prenatal vits coz they have coenzyme q10 spose to help with egg quality....

We are going on a mind body day on sat that the clinic run....as next cycle needs to be pretty soon b4 the endo comes back...but don't feel very strong or positive at the moment I hope the mind body day helps....

Jx


----------



## cao

Hi,

Can I join you all please? Had bfn on 23rd Aug, second go at IVF with ICSI, first go got bfp but had to have erpc as no heartbeat/growth. It's all so c**p at the moment isn't it and as much as I hate others being in this situation when you feel like the only one in the world who isn't pregnant it is good to have a bit of a haven to go to where others undertsnad how you feel. 

Jossy- Sorry your follow up wasn't good. I'm also crying at everything and finding it really hard to sleep, haven't had proper nights sleep since bfn which I don't think helps your mental state does it? Sorry can't help with egg quality ques, I too have done the works- vits, accu, hypno cd, good diet and either bfn or mc but I'm sure there must be more you can do. Is it worth a consult with Zita West? (Don't think I could cope with her personally but others have been to her and said she was very helpful)  

Nic- What you said was so true  Noone understands, my friends think they do as for one it took about 6 months to get pg, like that compares to 5 years and all the heartache, drugs, tests etc of ivf. I know what you mean to about looking at the   next to your name, I've not been on here for awhile because I just couldn't face updating my profile and it makes   now. I just want to go and hide on my desert island until I get pg then I'll come back. I think you're probably right about your friend not knowing what to say but at least a simepl sorry would let you know that she was listening to you


----------



## cao

Sorry posted before I lost it all!

Eddy- I know what you mean, you go through so much and then nothing  Like you I can't bare the thought of not having a baby so what else do you do other than keep going, I can't even begin to think about a time when we stop trying but it's so expensive and we just don't have the money for another go at the moment. Me and dp are getting married in Dec, only really small, informal get together with some family and friends and I am saving money left right and centre on things but we have to give people food! I can only remeber from the time befoe this which was different as ended in having an erpc (after lots of wekks of tests and hoping all would be ok) but things did start to get a little better eventually, never like before we started all this but i stopped crying all the time and did actually manange to feel a liuttle happier again, I just keep trying to tell myself that this won't last forever, but it's hard isn't it  

Mrs Rock   Oh what an awful time of it your having. It must be so hard trying to support your sister whilst you're going through all of this. I'm sorry your friend has not been very helpful. I really do believe that they just don't get it 

Lavenderlady- Why, why is going through my head to. You think you've done everthing right and then it still doesn't work. It just seems so unfair  I'm so genuinely sorry that this was your last go and it didn't work for you. I hope the couselling can help you to find your path  

Hello to everyone else. I'm planning my excuses for lunch tomorrow with friends. One is due to give birth in Oct the other will have her daughter there who would be the smae age as my little one if it had grown and she is due to have her second in Nov. I know it's awful but I just can't face the talk about babies at the moment, I was in tears today just seeing pg eople I don't know so having to listen to them talk about being pg will just tear me apart, then I'll cry, which will jsut make them feel bad so I'm gaoing to say I don't feel great, which actually isn't a lie as I actually feel awful at the moment. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long rant! Better go and do soemthing useful!

cao


----------



## eddy73

cao - pls dont apologise for the long rant - it was much appreciated. i am sorry to hear your story. as i am the others on this thread - esp MrsRock, that's a real toughie. if you really cant face lunch tomorrow i would definitely come up with an excuse. there are times when its maybe best to put on a brave face but just after a BFN aint one of them i would say. i would indulge yourself instead. 

jossy - sorry hun i have no advice re egg quality either. i did read one book (dr mary grenville maybe??) that diet changes can take upto 3 months and it gave pages and pages of dos and donts. i just looked for it to give you the title but i have to admit she ****** me off a bit when i was reading it and now i cant find it. i have a feeling i may have recycled in a hissy fit one month. but if you do find any gd info let us know.... i also read 'a child against all odds' by robert winston which is the best i have read about infertility. he's like a lovable dad isnt he but it's a frank account i should warn you...

niccad, wise words as always..... i think i might take the counselling. i was offered way back when at the beg of tx. might ask them about it...i feel emotionally constipated. like there's a hurricane on the inside but perfect calm on the out. i am sorry for giving you more of my constipation moans  mikiD - maybe i should try watching x factor....

shelley, lavenderlady, belbs and everyone on this thread, thanks for starting it.   to you all. 

anyway dear people i am off tomorrow for two weeks camping in the highlands. turns out to be good timing. couldnt face work right now. 
will catch up when i am back.  

eddy xxx


----------



## LEXEY

hi girls  am sorry your all sufferin it really dose break my heart    and if am honest no words off comfort took my  pain away  i just want you all to know that am here to listen  and i really do understand  off loading is a huge help  with the right support youl get through this though time     JOSSY sorrY to read about your recent app hun have you had anFSH test done  this will tell you  roughley were you stand i had high FSH 21 and 22  and then went to donor eggs  sadley for me they failed to  accupuncture angus cantus and a few other things you can take to try to improve your egg quality  how old are you hun    MRS ROCK EDDY LAVENDER NICK DEE MIKI ALS SHELLY AN ANY1 IV MISSED am thinking off you all


----------



## jossy

hi lexey my fsh is fine 6.8 , and 7.8;  amh is fine too ! and i am 34 so on paper it should be fine, problem is endometriosis... apparently it can reek havoc with your eggs....we are going to mind body course run by clinic this sat hopefully it will help.

thinking of you all.... 

Jx


----------



## LEXEY

hi j  that dose sound good i know my friend has sever endo and she had ingections b4 tx  ill try and catch er for more info although shes workin so hard to pay 4 next tx    keep poss hun  even now i keep open minded  and hope that just 1 good egg may be left    thinkin off you and good luck with the body and mind xx


----------



## Irish Dee

Hello lovely ladies,

I started this thread and then went AWOL.  Been lurking, but just could not think of anything constructive to add to this thread. 

Been having the most bizarre dreams and everyone one of them involves pregnancy and babies.  Had such a vivid dream last night that I had boy/girl twins and they were being put up for adoption.  I spend the whole night chasing around a big hospital trying to find them and warning everyone that baby thieves were in operation!!!  My heart was thudding in my chest when I woke.  

When I'm dropping off to sleep of find myself day dreaming, it's always about babies and treatment.  I have to believe that our day will come, and I really think that without hope, we have nothing.

Been putting a few thoughts together and hope they fit here.

Massive hugs to all,

Dee
xx

*************************************************************
Every post I read, I can connect with the pain and the frustration and the highs and lows.  I knew IVF would be difficult, but never thought that it would be THIS hard,.  A wise man once said, 'What does not kill us will make us stronger”.

My brain is so full of IVF, babies, treatment, sniffing, treatment, frosties, FF and similar things that I feel that I am kind of out of kilter with the rest of the world.  One of the many reasons that I love FF, I always feel so normal on here.

As hard as this journey is, I sometimes think, 'what's the alternative'?
Do we not take the chance or achieving our dreams and just sit back and do nothing?
I don't think any of us could do that.
The biggest chances we take will hopefully pay off and we will all eventually achieve our heart's desire.

No one seems to understand the statistics and that there is such a low success rate.  The time and energy that we all invest in tests, sniffing, injecting, testing, and waiting and waiting and waiting.  I often joke that if 'patience' was an Olympic sport, I would be a gold medal winner.

There is the underlying belief that we go to the clinic, they take the eggs, they mix them up with the sperm and then 2 weeks later we're all pregnant!!!  I suppose, I had this vague notion myself before I found myself in the situation of having to understand the process!!

I have, on occasion, spend a little time giving a very vague breakdown of what the process involves, when questioned and it fascinates me that the very same person will ask me the exact same question the next time I see them.

Unfortunately, and I don't mean this in a horrible way, the only people we can rely on are our husbands, (where would we be without them?) and the lovely ladies here on FF.  Unless you are going through it, it is impossible to understand, which is why I love logging on here and feeling 'normal'.

Having now suffered the pain of 2 BFNs, I feel there seems to be pressure on us to get over negative results very quickly?  If you had a broken romance or were made redundant from your job had any kind of family crisis, no one would expect you to get over it so quickly.  Because infertility is not openly recognised as the stressful, difficult road that everyone here at FF knows it is, we really don't know how to cope.  There are so few songs about infertility, there must be 1000's about heart break and in a way, the whole world knows how to deal with someone who has been through something that they can relate to.

We invest so much time and energy in this process, and I'm sure I'm not alone when I look back at what I have had to do to get to this point.  I had to lose weight, (difficult thing to do), give up smoking, (very difficult thing to do), give up drinking, (except for a few lapses). It's taken us almost 4 years to get to the point and we still have nothing to show for it!!!

We pump ourselves full of drugs and hormones and while slowly withdrawing from our normal social lives, we actually allow ourselves to believe that we might get the babies that we all so desire. 

BFNs and chemical pg's are such a huge loss to us.  We all know that we cannot just 'try again' in a month or two because there is a rough, hard process to the the finish line.

Be kind to yourselves and talk, talk, talk about your loss.  There must be a grieving process, which everyone need to go through.

Here at FF, we have all lost something..........our innocence? our belief in a fair world? our dreams?

I feel the pain of every woman on here and wish you all luck and babydust.


----------



## want2bamummy

Hello all, thought I'd say Hi, had my 3rd Bfn on Fri 28th. am going bck to wrk tomorrow after a long 6 wks off (needed the time off thru the whole tx as the hosp was 5 hours away and needed to stay close to it)- am dreading it!! But feel if i leave it any longer it will get harder.

I've been reading your threads on here, and my heart goes out to everyone of us!! Altho im feeling very perculiar at the mo, I get upset reading ur links, and really feel for you, and yet I dont think of myself as in the same situation (altho i clearly am) 
Apart frm OTD  I've not cried infact I just feel numb!!! I hope this is normal and Im not going insane!!!!

So sorry for this random, negative msg

x


----------



## LEXEY

hi hun  am so sorry     i felt very much the same  soon followed by a string off other emotions  its a though time be kind to yourself     am  also bk to work after having some time off 1 half off me wants to go back  NORMALITY the other wants to be attached to the devet    so i compleatly understand  hang in there


----------



## jossy

hi girls

hooray first day without crying since doc delivered bomb shell.....so everyday from now will be a bit better.....

Jx


----------



## LEXEY

jossy good news    i hope your tearfree days continue  dont worry about relapes that very normal  keep stong DEE  hunni dont worry if you cant find somthin good to say  just as you say keep talkin    love to every1


----------



## Mrs Rock

Hi girls
Firstly thank you so much for your kind replies to me last week.  Was so very sad, think that was my worst day apart from the wknd of BFN.

But since then, been feeling better, not been crying and am coping a bit more I think.  So there's light at the end of the tunnel.  Just have to go for a while before you see it, and I think sometimes the tunnel bends so you lose sight of it, but if you just keep going you'll glimpse it again and fingers crossed all of us will actually reach it in the end.
Lots of love,
Mrs Rock xxx


----------



## LEXEY

mrs rock    everythin takes time  hun  so glad to hear your feeling a bit better 2  xx


----------



## Mrs Rock

Thanks Lexey xx


----------



## PlanetJanet

odriscde01 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> Having had the benefit of joining the 2WW thread, I found it very helpful having contact with ladies who were in the same situation as myself.
> 
> I don't feel quite ready to join the inbetweeners thread and just feel that it would be great to chat to ladies who are going through the initial grief and pain of a negative cycle.
> 
> A little about me, I'm 37 and I've just had my 2nd negative cycle.
> 
> I did short protocol, with AF on Tuesday July 21st and started stimming on Thursday 23rd.
> 
> Textbook cycle with 11 eggs, 10 mature, 7 fertilised and 2 beautiful embies transfered on day 3. OTD was supposed to be Friday 21st August and AF arrived with a vengeance on Saturday 15th. I was not even due on until this weekend, so to say I was shocked is an understatement.
> 
> I feel so cheated as I never even got to do a pregnancy test.
> 
> I'm feeling a bit numb and so disappointed.
> 
> Anyone else?
> 
> Dee
> xx


Hi Dee,

I am feeling exactly the same (and have a similar story to yours), I just found this thread!! I had a BFN on Sunday and still in shock. It was our 2nd cycle, we had 1 8 cell and 1 16 cell - I really thought it was our time. I am in the process of researching why it has failed twice now and that is making me feel a bit better about it...but it would be nice to process some of the feelings I have with others who are going through this hellish time!!!

Thanks for such a great idea.....

PJ xxx


----------



## want2bamummy

Well, went bck to wrk today after out BFN on Friday 28/8/09 - wot a disaster!!!! Not sure if it was just too soon or if Im just not dealing with things very well?!

Just felt as though everyone else was carrying on as normal with ther lives, and Im just stood still!! Not sure if Im ready to move on yet?!

Is this normal? or do I need a gwd kick up the bum, and pull myself together and start 2 move on - lifes to short and all that??

Im also struggling to come to terms with WHY?? we've ad 3 failed IVF attempts, and have been lookin into surrogacy - incase its a problem with me not being able to carry or something ( but it VERY expensive)

some wise words and similar situations would help this  lady!  

xx


----------



## Irish Dee

Hello lovely ladies,

Well, unfortunately our numbers are growing, but it does help us all to feel less alone.

I'm feeling a little better, but not back to myself.  I've been trying to do some research as to why it has not worked, but there is so much information, that I think we were just unlucky and that perhaps the next one of the one after that might work.   

Big hugs to all.  If we learn anything by this journey, it's that time is a great healer and we will survive this, (even though it feels unlikely now!!!)

Dee


----------



## jossy

Girls I have done a lot of reading about autoimmune issues I am going to be tested for these prior to my next cycle as they are common in women with endo....basicallt the body recognises the embryo as a foreign body and rejects it .....luckily my clinic is the onely one in oreland that looks into this and I believe the argc in london is very good too.

Jx


----------



## misha moo

Hey ladies can i join in? just had a BFN today and i just feel devastated, been up since 7 this morning, still not managed to eat anything yet and i have cried all day  just don't know what to do with myself, stupidly i though this tx was going to be the one!

MISHA XX


----------



## Irish Dee

Misha,

Big  .  Hope that you can find some comfort on this thread and seeing how we are all coping a few weeks down the line.

So sorry you're here.  

How's everyone else today?

Dee


----------



## jenny80

Hi All,

Sorry not been on this thread for a while trying to be "normal "and focus on life but sometimes i still have a good cry.

Misha - sorry to hear your news today, sending you a big hug, Know you feel raw just now and cant stop crying but one day you will, its true time does help I promise , it just does not feel like it at present due to the pain and heartache you are facing just now!!! We all understand hunny and are thinking of you at this difficult time.

DEE, Lexey, Mrs Rock, Jossy, PJ & Want2bamummy - thinking of you all. (sorry if i have missed anyone!!!)

Life seems to have flown by since my BFN and its been hard to get on with things as others dont understand and continue to talk about thier kids and its hurts.

I am now considering moving to adoption after 4 BNF i dont know if emotionally i can do it again now and money wise i know i cant as so much debt for IVF abroad which i am still paying for now.

I hope you all have a good weekend if you can, at times IVF takes over us physcially , emotionally and your life is built around it, Tonight i am going to take out my nephew and that helps me remember other people and things that are equally improtant to me in my life. sometimes its nice just to focus on something for a few hours that has nothing to do with IVF.

Thinking of you all.

Cheers

Jen


----------



## niccad

Misha -    so sorry that it didn't work for you this time. I found the first few days the hardest when I was just crying endlessly, but I managed a whole day with no tears yesterday! it will get easier but just one day at a time.

As for me - well I've not been active on here as I've not felt up to chatting... guess it's usual to draw into yourself after a negative cycle.. Like Jossy I've been looking into immune issues and am reading 'Is your body baby friendly'. It's answering a lot of questions for me & I'm booked in to see Dr Gorgy (he's the specialist in immune issues in the UK) on Tuesday. My clinic don't 'believe' in immune stuff so it's going to be private.. looks like it could be expensive, but I'd rather know now if something is wrong with my blood/immune system than go through another negative ivf cycle...  
Not sure if this has happened to everyone else, but I just can't face being social... and am avoiding all birthdays, get-togethers, etc as I'm just a bit sick of plastering on a fake smile. 

How is everyone else holding up??
Hermit x


----------



## Belbs

Hello All

Sending you all    .

I have gradually feeling a bit better and am spending a few days with my parents in Yorkshire. It is nice to be out of London but it is strange how much safer I felt in my own home!! I could pop on FF anytime I liked and just cry when I needed to. However, it is probably best to start moving on!

Anyway just thought I would add to the Immune Issue as I too bought the Dr Beer book last week and am also seriously considering having the immune tests with Dr Gorgy too. I can't believe how much sense it makes. All interesting stuff but going to see what happens at our next follow-up meeting in a week's time.

I hope you are all finding time to be a healer.

Belbs xxx


----------



## misha moo

Hey ladies 

Thanks for the welcome, feeling a lot better today, no crying. I have learned a few things for next tx, i will deff not be testing early i gave myself and DH nothing but 2 days of stress and tears saying it was all over and then i would think, no wait its not until OTD so then i would build my hopes up again for another half hour or so, then i would think no its deff over and start crying again.   And secondly i will not be allowing my imagination run wild and convince myself it has work, i will keep myself calmer. Overall though i done well on the 2ww it didn't even cross my mind to test early until the Tue night and i had no tears or outbursts during it. I just seemed to go mental in the last 48hrs. 

Belbs and hermit- i too was thinking about getting the Dr Beer book, didn't know if it would appply to me though as although this was my 2nd round of icsi it was the only one in which i got to the 2ww, do u think it is worth a read?


----------



## niccad

Hi Misha - it's a good read and, I think, worthwhile. I have an appointment to see Dr Gorgy (who is basically the Dr who follows Dr Beer) tomorrow so I'll let you know what he says. I've had 1 ICSI cycle so far so don't think I have immune issues, but I don't want to go through it again without at least getting my immune tested... 
Nic xx


----------



## Irish Dee

Hello everyone,

After quite a positive start to my recovery, today has not been a good day.

THREE pregnancy announcements from friends and 'friends of friends' just brought it all back to me that I did not get pregnant with my last cycle and it just hit me really hard again today.  The minute my DH came in the door from work, I was in his arms crying my heart out.  Did not expect that today and it kind of side blinded me.

One of the announcements came from an old work colleague who I have not even seen for about 12 months.  It was in a whole address book 'don't use this email address anymore as I start my mat leave today' email.  I did not even know she was pregnant, but I want to know will it ever be my turn to be telling my news??

The other two were both women who I worked with at my last temporary job last year (May - December) and I rang today to see if there was any contracts going and the guy I spoke to said 'Oh, well A and B are both pregnant so perhaps some maternity contracts coming up'.  

Am I destined to be the child loving honorary 'aunty' for all my days.

I do feel strong most of the time and in a way these pregnancies won't affect me in my day to day life, but why does it seem so easy for everyone else to get pregnant at the drop of a hat?

Sorry for the 'poor me' post, just feel a bit rubbish.  Also have put on over a stone since my treatment and can't stop eating!!!!

I'm off to Barcelona on Thursday with DH and I'm getting back on the Weight Watchers when I get back on Monday.

How is everyone?

Dee
xx


----------



## jenny80

Hi Dee

Sending you a big hug!!!!!!!!!!

Its hard and all your feelings are normal. i really do hate pregnancy adverts they should be banned!!!

One day it will be you but its hard people dont understand, i am getting text from my friend who is due in 7 weeks abiut how ill she feels and i just want to say do you know how luck you are!! she even knows my situation but is not taking my feelings into account.

jenny


----------



## shani10

Just wanted to say hello, i had my first bpn,didnt even get to test date, af came 6 days after et, should of tested sunday just gone, i just keep bursting in2 tears at anything, fed up of people telling me to keep my chin up, and it will happen next time, i didnt want there to be a next time, they just dont get it.  Even dh says hes feeling positive for the next time, i just want to curl up and hide right now,without thinking of the next time.  sorry for ranting but am so     all at once.  thanx for listening xxxx shani


----------



## Irish Dee

Hi Shani,

So sorry you've had to join us here.  My AF arrived 6 days before test date too and I have to say that I felt really cheated that I did not even get to test date.  

Nearly a month down the road after my 2nd BFN, I'm feeling stronger, but it is so important to allow yourself time to heal and most important to allow yourself time to grieve.  We seem to put ourselves under fierce pressure to 'bounce' back, but it is a very traumatic time we have all gone through.

Massive hugs and hope you have good support around you.  I have not even gone back to work yet, as I just could not face it, but hoping to get back in the swing of things in the next few weeks.

Dee
x


----------



## LEXEY

dee am so sorry hun    
i know wot am guna say wont make you feel better but i just want you to know your not alone 
my dp s best friend and his wife are expecting there 2nd baby at  xmas  id noticed they hadnt been round  but  dps friend had been on his own with out his wife or there 6 yr old  i disscoverd via face book she was 5 months pregnant i was heart broke that no1 told me  this was a huge deal to me  so i know the hurt n pain is still there  hang in there  am thinkin off you xxx
hi shani am so sorry youv joined here to     
but your in the right place for understanding and support  i hope evryday becomes a little better   
huge hugs to every1


----------



## Mrs Rock

Shani, like Dee says, if you need to curl up and take time to grieve, then do it.  I felt just like this too.  In your own time you will feel stronger and get better.  But you have to give yourself some time.  You will feel better, I promise you.  I felt so awful this time 2 weeks ago (you can read back to my post, and that was 3 weeks after my BFN).  Now, I feel normal, much better.  Strong, even.  But it takes the amount of time which is right for you.

Sending all of you my love, and thanks for being here ladies, all of you  xxx


----------



## NikNik

Hi girlies,

i'm sorry I havent been chatting for ages, i havent really been able to bring myself to post.   

My eldest niece, who has cystic fibrosis, died 2 weeks ago at the age of 23.  Her funeral was last week.  It's been heart breaking.  Although her life expectancy was not excellent we had all hoped she would have at least another 10 years and was on the lung transplant list, but it was just not meant to be.  Why is life so cruel?  The funeral was so beautiful and all her friends were amazing.  

Since she passed away, I hadnt really thought much about me and how I was feeling about the BFN, it was pushed out of my mind.  I got really upset at the wake, not only for my poor niece, but for my mum who i lost 5 years ago and although is never far from my mind is even more so at funerals.  It was also the first time i had seen some family since the ICSI, who were all genuinely sorry for our BFN and wanted to tell me so.  I just could not take it all and got soooo upset.  I decided to have a real blow out and have a good old drink or 10!!!!  For the first time in ages, I felt like I let my guard down and admitted how upset I was by everything and that I wasnt OK.  Dont get me wrong girls, I didnt make a show or steal any thunder, only a couple of family knew I was upset, but afterwards when I was analysing everything, thinking "oh what will they think of me", i thought, i dont care.  I'm only human and I'm fed up of putting on a brave face on pretending that everythings ok when its not.  I'm also fed up of the response from people "will you try again?" "when will you try again?", as if money grows on trees, not to mention the emotional cost!!  

I'm a teacher so I've been off school for 6 weeks, we started yesterday and I cant tell you how p***ed off I am at having to carry on "as normal", when sometimes all I want to do is scream!  My so called friend at work hasnt even spoken to me about icsi or my niece, what a cow!!!!  Everyone says, have you had a good summer, and I want to cry out noooooo!  I can tell them about my lovely niece, but I'm not going to go into my treatment, and so they have no idea that the the first 4 weeks of the holidays were dominated by that, and then I got a BFN.  It sounds so trivial.  Like, "i woke up this morning and thought I might be pregnant, so I did a test, but it was negative".  People would think, so what?  But they have no idea what WE had to go through to get to that point.  I feel like i'm grieving for that too, like i have lost something i never had - which doesnt make sense, but the loss feels soooo real.

Thank god for DH and you lot,

Nik xxx


----------



## Irish Dee

Niknik,

So, so sorry about your lovely niece.  Can't imagine how hard it must be.  

The BFN is just sitting in my subconscience and I find that if I don't have something to do or to think about, it just pops back in.

Looking forward to my review appointment on October 16th to get things in motion for my next attempt.  Feels its the only thing I can do.

Dee


----------



## shani10

NikNik im so sorry to hear about your neice   

i feel beter for ranting on here,im so tired all the time, i think im keeping more than i realised in, ive even started grinding my teeth at night, stress!!just going to give myself time and be realistic, im greiving, it may not be a grief most understand, but thanx to you guys i know im not alone xxx


----------



## LEXEY

nick nic  am so so sorry to see your post  the sadness a failed ivf or loss brings is enough on its own with out the  loss off your neice  sounds like your havin a real though time at the min  little steps hun   
shani you so right  were not alone   
dee  sorry you had a bad day to hun    am thinkin off you all xxxx


----------



## Belbs

Nik Nik   

I am so sorry to hear about your niece. I'm glad the service was beautiful and hope you will have many happy memories of her. Don't feel bad about getting upset infront of your family - I'm sure they were glad they could comfort you and give you a shoulder to cry on.

I have just left teaching and know how stressful the start of a new year is so wishing you a good term and hope that things get easier over the next few weeks. Remember that you are the most important person in your life, take care of yourself and if things are too much take a day off sick and try not to feel guilty about it - whch is the hardest thing when you are a teacher.

Best wishes,

Belbs xxx


----------



## bondgirl

hi can i join in?  I'vejust had a bfn today and still cant believe it.  This is my 5th icsi cycle and this time my consultant put me on steroids, clexane and asprin, alot of good it was  Have always started bleeding before otd but this time my af isnt here yet which is torturing me.  the nurse i spoke to today said that i have just been unlucky , i am fed up hearing that! After 5 attempts i am unlucky, no i dont think so .  Sorry i'm ranting now, i just feel so cheated, let down and angry.  When will i ever get to finally say 'i am pregnant'?  i'm just so scared.  sorry for the rant.  

bondgirl


----------



## LEXEY

bondgirl am so sorry hun    you can rant all you want here  we all understand your hurt pain and dissapointment  huge hugs


----------



## Miki D

Hello all,

I've not posted on this thread for for a while, had a tough few days this week but thing seem a little better now. I burst into tears at work and had to go home, I felt so depressed I didn't know where it had come from, I really thought I was over that stage. But I guess we can't force ourselves to feel better any quicker than is natural. so glad I have all of you to talk to    

Bondgirl, sorry to hear of your bfn, it's so unfair isn't it, when you've done all you can and still a bfn. I'm sick of hearing people say it's all down to luck too, just not sure if that's true or not. I hope you find some comfort and support from being on here. Take one day at a time and hope you begin to feel better soon.

Nik, I'm so sorry to hear about your niece. I'm glad your family were there to support you and I hope you can begin to feel better now the funeral is over and you can cherish the happy memories you have of her. You need to concentrate on you now and let yourself go through the grieving process.  I know what you mean about grieving for something we never had but the feeling is so real, strong and painful, many people just don't get that which makes it all the harder. 

Shani, sorry you've had to join us on here too, you will feel better I promise, time really does help. There are lots of lovely ladies on here to support you. Just talking to others who totally understand what you're going through really does help so much.

Dee, sorry you've had a bad time of late, pg announcements are the hardest thing as we have to at least try to look pleased for them, which i know we sometimes are but it just brings it all home and is so painful. There are always loads of pg women where i work and some days I just can't bear to look at them and avoid them like the plague. Really hope you're having a fab time in Barcelona right now.

Hi Jenny, Belbs, Misha, Jossy, Nic, Lexey, Mrs Rock and anyone else, sorry if I've missed anyone, hope you're all doing ok.

Lots of love and a big massive   to you all.

Miki
xxx


----------



## martakeithy

Hi everyone,

Can I join you and offer my support to you all as well as having a bit of a sad face.
My BFN was confirmed yesterday, but wasn't really a surprise as I had been bleeding heavily since the previous day and had a negative on a CB digital HPT. This is our second and last IVF, but we have five frosties, which are unfortunately in two different countries. 

Nik I'm so sorry to hear about your niece. That is so hard. I hope you enjoyed being with her though and it's good to hear that her life has had such an impact on yours. I don't know if you saw the 9/11 phone calls from the tower, but it really did show that a lot of the parents and family members who lost people took great comfort from thinking about how  well and fully their loved one had lived their life and how much happiness they had brought to those around them.  

For me at the moment this is all so recent, but does anyone find that the complete STOP after treatment is hard to deal with. It's as if we have spent so much time and invested so much effort into this thing that it leaves a huge void. 

At the moment I am feeling blooming angry and I can completely relate to you Bondgirl, it is just frustrating and unfair and it feels like a complete waste of time and money. Then the next minute I feel like crying, what a mess. 

Sending you all hugs


----------



## eddy73

hello everyone 

i am now two weeks past OTD and i am pleased to say that i am starting to feel a bit more human again though there are still sad days of course. 

there's a bit in the time travellers wife (spoiler warning......) where alba goes back to her 5 year old self to warn her that her father is going to die. i now kind of know why she did that. if i had a tardis i too would go back to me two weeks ago and warn myself that AF was on its way. i found the shock of it hard to deal with. and the total STOP too. i know what you mean Marta. it's like speeding along then slamming on the breaks without a seatbelt. it took me a while to slow down and get my bearings. 

but i am now thinking about when to try again. i have three frosties and a follow up consulation on friday. i am v keen to start again asap. i am 37 soon and feel like i am running out of time. but i am interested to know if anyone thinks that there are the benefits in waiting? are there any? 

So,  to all fellow BFNers. would love to hear from you if you have any advice on waiting/not waiting. 

eddy xxx


----------



## misha moo

Hey ladies sorry not posted after asking if i can join, just didn't feel like coming on FF at all lately. Feeling ok at the moment until i think about things and then i just. . . .. . i dont know what it is i feel, i cant describe the feeling? at work i am all smiles and joking, at home i am powering through the house work and when anyone asks me anything tx related i just change the subject. Got my letter in from the hospital stating they were sorry about the outcome of the tx and inviting me for me next cycle and asking me to phone on the date of my next period, i just looked at it and put it down somewhere as if was not that important. I find this strange cause i am usually quite good at chatting about feelings.

Eddy73- Thats good ur feeling a little more normal, i know this is somethingeveryone says, but i guess its just a matter of feeling better as time goes by. Was the film any good? i quite fancy seeing it.

Marta- just sending u a wee hug, each day u will feel a wee bit better, us assisted conception ladies are made of tough stuff 


everyone else thank you for the welcome


----------



## shani10

Hi everyone, not been on for a while due to a new job.  misha moo i know what u mean, im fine all day at work etc,someone mentions it and i change the subject, i still well up and cry,mainly when im in the shower and on my own. we have our follow up nov 12, ive decided not to try again until january, just need sometime x 

hope everyone else is doing okxx   to all


----------



## eddy73

just checking in to offload. bit low today.   a work friend is pg. i am pleased for her of course. i wouldnt wish this on anyone. but, well, you know. it makes the BFN harder. agh. i wish i could reboot or something. im fine at work. but when i'm not busy it all comes flooding back. 

hope everyone else is doing ok. i need a new head. 

eddy

ps - hey misha - the film's ok, the books much better. a real weepy.


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## LEXEY

eddy hang in there  
hope to mo is a better day   
love to all xxx


----------



## martakeithy

Hi everyone,
I hope each day we feel a little bit more human. 
Misha and Eddy I just want to nod and give you both a big hug because it is hard to explain and something you just have to get through. It helps so much to have a forum like this.
I'm impressed at the speed with which you have been called back Eddy, I have just received the 'sorry' letter like you Misha and I have a follow-up on November 9th?! It seems quite a way off to me, I think I would have had two AFs by then so could start FET. 
At the moment I am really jealous of other women who have been successful at IVF. It's awful, because I know what they have been through and must be feeling, but I feel so angry that my IVF failed. It just seems like such a lottery. I just can't see why I was unsuccessful and other people weren't. On one hand I found the possibility of an embryo implanting when I felt as if I had been bashed around so much internally so unlikely, but other people have been through the same thing and the embryos have implanted. 
I just want to clarify that I don't want another person's baby and I wish them all a happy, healthy pregnancy, but I am so cross and so resentful because it reminds me that it didn't work for us whenever I hear about somebody else succeeding.
I can't even go on the 2WW thread or any of the other threads at the moment because I feel miserable reading them. I never wanted to be like this.
Aaaaargh!
Have to start feeling a bit more positive about the FET because at the moment I just can't see it working.


----------



## eddy73

Hello eveyone - thank you for your nice messages. Much appreciated. 

Marta, I sympathise with you and your general frustration and anger. It is such a lottery. I try and console myself with Robert Winston's view that it is like the grand national and even outsiders win. But it doesnt always help to be honest. I often want to shout and scream and stamp my feet. But I dont and I pretend everything is normal. Dont think its very healthy though. I hope each day makes everything a little easier for you and that you start to regain the positivity you no doubt felt at one stage. This really is a marathon not a sprint and just because it didnt work the first time doesnt mean it wont the second time. each time is different and you have every chance, if not more, of it working next time. Plus an FET cycle is less onerous on you physically which should make it a bit easier. Try to hang in there.  

I was surprised about being called back so soon too. I wonder now, having been told this morning, if it is because i need a hysteroscopy before i can do an FET cycle. grrr. am frustrated and disappointed. was very much hoping to get dates in nov for an FET cycle. its now more likely to be jan with op in nov. bugger. has anyone else had one of these at all?  

oh well, normally i would say TFI friday but i have to work tomorrow and sunday so am well and truly fed up and grumpy. sorry guys to be grumpy again. there was a time when i was quite good company. 

hope you all have good weekends. 
eddy xxxxx


----------



## martakeithy

Eddy don't worry, you are entitled to be as grumpy as you like! No wonder! I'm grumpy too! Shall we sit next to each other with our arms crossed and grumpy expressions!    
Did your doctor mention a hysteroscopy recently? I get mixed up, I had the HSG a while back, but that a hysterosomethinggram isn't it? Are your tubes compromised?
I've got a blocked tube and a lot of pelvic adhesions which seem to be preventing the other tube from working.
You have a good weekend too sweetie!


----------



## Miki D

Hi ladies,

Hope you're all feeling ok today  

I'm sorry I just had to post this to vent my frustration...

If I have to listen to one more person complain about their baby I'm going to scream     

I work with 5 people (4 men, 1 woman) who have babies of varying ages. It's the men that are complaining, mainly about lack of sleep, ok I know it must be hard but I'd do anything to be in their place. I'm just so sick of listening to them!!! They talk about babies all day anyway, which is so hard, but the complaining just makes it even harder.

Sorry if I sound unreasonable, I feel unreasonable. I just wish they'd appreciate how lucky they are and stop moaning  

Anyone else have to deal with this?

Miki
x


----------



## martakeithy

Hi Miki
I must admit I am lucky enough to work with older women who have older children, so the days of sleep deprivation are long gone for them. It must be sooo annoying for you to have to listen to them. I wonder if they realise how hard it is for people to hear them moaning. Probably not, you know what it is like when you are all wrapped up in your own troubles.
I hope their babies start to sleep longer very very soon so that they chill out and stop complaining all day and you can have a break from it all.      
This is the start of the third week since my BFN and I am feeling very negative about becoming pg. I just wish I didn't feel so angry about failing, maybe next week?


----------



## Miki D

Hi Marta,

Thanks for replying and making me feel normal  

They all know about my situation which makes it harder, but then again I wouldn't want people walking on eggshells around me  I suppose they can't win!

Oh hun I'm so sorry you're feeling negative. Me too, deep down I don't really think it's ever going to happen for me. We have to keep going though. 

I know what you mean about feeling angry, it's so frustrating and heart breaking that we overcome various hurdles throughout treatment, only for it to fail, it feels like a big waste of time and effort Are you going to try again? I think I am in January, really not looking forward to it though    I've lost all my positivity as far as treatment goes. I'm also sick of being told it's just bad luck that it hasn't worked.

I really hope you feel better soon    

Miki
x


----------



## martakeithy

Hi Miki,
we have finished with IVF, but do have some frosties left so hope to do a couple of FETs at the end of this year and beginning of next year. The frosties are in different places, so it involves a bit of too ing and fro ing for us.

I know I am being negative and angry at the moment, but it's only natural. Of course we are fed-up, this is hard work and very draining. I hope by next month we are both starting to move on and relax. 

It's hard not to feel a bit of a 'gap' when treament ends because it is soo all-consuming, it's almost boring now the treatment has finished, although I'm glad it has when I remember how tired I was throughout.

Sending you some big hugs to help you get through this difficult time.


----------



## Miki D

Thanks hun, you too   

One of the guys has just come up and asked me how my weekend was then went on to tell me how tired he was!!! Arrrggghhh    

Lots & lots of luck with your lovely frosties



xx


----------



## IwantalittleJo

Hi, Yesterday, I was told my 1st ICSI cycle had failed, I am completely lost, I am so upset, I didn't let myself think it would fail and wow its like i've been buried alive and I cant move or breath. It doesn't help being on my own, my DH is working hard trying to recover from all the medical bills. I dont have any family or friends here so I am just going crazy on my own wondering why it happened, why me, this is so not fair!  
Does it get better will I ever wake up and not think about this? Life is really testing my DH and I, we are on a sinking ship with our business and now this! how is it possible to think life will get better when all we are trying to do is live and have a family, nothing more! I am tired of thinking my life is pointless, why am I here?


----------



## martakeithy

IWALJ I'm so sorry to hear your news. Of course you are devastated it's natural to feel this way. It sounds as if you have a lot of other stuff going on with the money and the business so not surprisingly you feel very upset with this on top of everything.
It does get better, unbelievably, you will be angry because it isn't fair at all and then feel down and blue and sad, but you will start to enjoy things again and remember what makes you happy, it just takes time. This isn't the end of the journey for you, it's just a bump in the road.
From your post I would say you could do with some counselling because you do have a lot going on and nobody to talk to other than us on here at FF. 
Thank goodness for threads like this, where you can vent a bit of what you are feeling.
Can you check to see whether your hospital offers counselling it might help.
So sorry.


----------



## IwantalittleJo

martakeithy said:


> IWALJ I'm so sorry to hear your news. Of course you are devastated it's natural to feel this way. It sounds as if you have a lot of other stuff going on with the money and the business so not surprisingly you feel very upset with this on top of everything.
> It does get better, unbelievably, you will be angry because it isn't fair at all and then feel down and blue and sad, but you will start to enjoy things again and remember what makes you happy, it just takes time. This isn't the end of the journey for you, it's just a bump in the road.
> From your post I would say you could do with some counselling because you do have a lot going on and nobody to talk to other than us on here at FF.
> Thank goodness for threads like this, where you can vent a bit of what you are feeling.
> Can you check to see whether your hospital offers counselling it might help.
> So sorry.


Thank you so much for your reply, I know its just a bump in the road, I hope I will feel better soon, my mum & dad are coming out to visit on friday so I will have them soon, and I will be able to discuss things with them I am sure the first few days are going to be difficult but at least they will be here for me! I am thinking I might go back to the UK with them to have a break. I will check about the counseling but its such a long way to go to the clinic, I'm not sure. 
Thank you for all FF ladies for their amazing support!!!


----------



## beachgirl

Just bobbing on to say I'll be modding on here from now (well after my much needed holiday) so will be back next Friday and will get to know you all then x


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## eddy73

hello little jo

i am sorry to hear you are down. it is so hard. the treatment is hard, then the result, then the physical and emotional recovery. and the whole world seems to be turning as normal and you cant understand how it can do that when your's is upside down. i am now three weeks on from OTD and my BFN and some days it is easier. it never completely goes away but i no longer feel paralysed by the pain and do now have some periods when i feel almost normal. feel free to offload here whenever you want. it's tough carrying all that around. if you cant get to counselling perhaps writing it down might help? i have started a diary and have found it quite helpful. i just do it bit by bit when i want to shout and scream. writing down the actual treatment helps me. it's so absurd looking back on it. i am sure in 100 years time they will look back and think wow those women were amazing doing all that. the same way we look at people that had their nose cut off with only vodka as pain relief. 

hope you are ok. here is a big   for you. 

hang on in there. 

eddy xxxx


----------



## SAGE1

Hi hope you dont mind me joining you all on here. Just got a BFN today so dont feel speaking to those on 2ww is helpful to them as I think they need to be surrounded by positivity and dont want to keep going on about my BFN all of the time.

I had 1st ivf 11 sept 09    BFN 23/9/9 
Clinic have said I will get another appt 6 weeks think I will aim to have tx Jan 2010 if poss xxxx
On top of it all I have a speed awarness couse tomoz dont feel like going just want to stay in and lick my wounds but it is nice to here some of your comments on here that 3 weeks down the line after BFN you are staring to recover after all there is alot to recover from physically and emotionally. lol xxxxx


----------



## Widgey

Hello  

 to you all.

I've just had my 8th transfer and my 7th BFN yesterday   Don't know how I keep going to be honest and don't know why I've never posted on here before    Everytime I convince myself tx has worked but I've never ever felt "the same" on my 2ww as I did when I was pg on my 2nd transfer.  

I normally hide away from FF for a while after my BFN's but not this time.  I'm determined to offer as much support to everyone on here and do as much research as I can before we try again, have even told DH to start googling this time.  There must be something   we haven't done/tried yet !!!  We've got enough money saved up for 1 last go   and that's it.....yikes.  

We are now back at the start of rollercoaster after climbing so many hills.  We are now back at the start of Snakes & Ladders game after climbing so many of the ladders. 

Sage   I seen you posting on the 2ww thread over the last few days.  I am so so sorry.

 &  to eddy, martakeithy, littlejo, Miki D, Lexey, Misha, Shani, Belbs hope you're all OK or as well as can be expected.

Love
Widgey
xx


----------



## martakeithy

Hi everyone,

Sage sorry to hear about your BFN, I know what you mean about being on a 2WW thread. It doesn't help does it! This is a great thread for offloading, just go for it!
I didn't want to moan on and although I was happy for people I 'knew' I felt myself getting cross about why my transfer hadn't worked.
This was transfer number two for us and we are going back for FET at some point.

Widgey you are really going through the wars and you sound remarkably positive. You must be really working hard on the positive outlook, good for you!
Have you had any investigations into the failed cycles?

Eddy, how are you?

IWALJ how are you today?

I had meet-up with a lovely friend who knows about the treatment (one of the few) and I felt like crying to begin with. I haven't actually cried since getting my BFN, not sure why. Perhaps that would help. 
Has anyone else not cried?
It's so tough not knowing whether we will have a successful cycle and money is very tight now. I'm starting to lie awake running through the financial logistics in my head. Being left with no baby and no money isn't a very appealing prospect, it makes me soooo cross to have to be in this situation. It would be amazing if we could all just fall pg by some miracle and not have to spend any more on assisted conception. Magic wand!!
We are going to go for adoption if our frozen treatments don't work, and that's another headache, just thinking about the grilling we will have to endure from the social services.


----------



## SAGE1

Hi girls well  just got home after completion of  my speed awarness course it was not as bad as I thought it would be it actually distracted me from BFN yesterday.
However when we had to introduce ourselves alot of people spoke about what intrests they have which of course was spending time with  their kids. I felt awful but at the end of the day I suppose it is not their fault Im sure I would be the same in their position.I guess I am just feeling a little bit sensitive to the whole kids thing at the moment.Which I guess is natural.

Widgey I think I  noticed you on the 2 ww sorry   to here about your BFN how do you cope you have been through the mill  but yet sound so positive.
Once I got BFN I did not really know where to go on this forum as I did not know where I fitted in having just found out about this site during my 2ww.Did you feel this way also?
Martakeithy so sorry to here about your BFN I am not usually an emotional person and did not get upset after 6 x IUIs (did not have much faith in them just seen it as a step closer to  getting IVF) however when the clinic told me on the phone my results I could hardley reply due to the upset I felt and yes the tears cameafter the call had ended. Everyone deals with grief in a different way and after all it is a  feeling of loss. Some people feel  angrer, shock,upset  or can experience denial not in any particular order.

I too have considered adoption as I guess there is an almost guarantee at the end of it. I know 2 people who have adopted and they found that although the  process was intrusive they found it was also supportive after all Im sure there are plentey of children out there in need of lol and ss want to find the right people  who can  give it.I suppose it is always an option and it is nice to know that if one door does close then prehaps we can open another one 

I am trying to be positive about BFN and tend to think eveything happens for a reason as hard as that is to believe at the time. I wonder if we get BFN because the eggs might not have survived anyway or been born with some sorts of complications I dont know the answear really but trying to find one that helps me to accept what has happened.
Its nice to chat with people who understand what each other have been through.xxxxxxx


----------



## martakeithy

Sage it's interesting that you mentioned the eggs possibly being defective and perhaps that being a reason for failure. I kind of tell myselt that and that it is a numbers game. I think over 50% of eggs are defective even when you are in your early twenties and it goes up, so to a degree I hope that the five embies transferred so far were lost for a good reason. Hoping one of my frozen embies is the 'one'.
Implantation is a funny thing as well, the uterus has to be just right and receptive and I don't think the hormones involved in IVF or the egg collection do much to assist the uterus' receptivity. I was on 300m of menopur and found egg collection very uncomfortable because one of my ovaries is 'high' as they called it. Apparently the nurse had to squish my tummy so that they could reach the follicles at EC. 
It is so annoying not to to 'know' what happened and why it didn't work. That is one of the hardest things to deal with, just not knowing and losing faith in the whole process.


----------



## SAGE1

Martakeithy Hi and thanks for the response to my comments. 

I know your right  it is so difficult to accept a negative result especially when getting pregnant should be the most natural thing in the world.

I was lucky and did not feel a thing during  the EC or ET that must have been difficult for you. I was so nervous during the ET thinking I was going to lose my embbies but tryed to stay calm. I took a paracetamol prior to ET as I had done this during all IUIs this might have helped.
I think we have to believe that the eggs where defective so that we can move on and ( as hard as this is)try to believe the eggs did not implant as they where not going to be healthy anyway.However thats not to say that your frostie wont implant as that might be the one fthat does it for you. We have to believe or else we will lose faith.
Have you been reading the comments on this site about pinapple juice and brazil nuts and how this improves fertility. I am not going to wait untill next IVF to introduce these into my diet but going to start this tomorrow and continue untill after next IVF.I am also going to try to read up on ways to improve my diet to aid fertlity gotta be worth a try.Will do anything xxxxxlol    take care


----------



## SAGE1

Sorry what I meant to say was that the pinapple juice and brazil nuts are good for implantation,




Just thought i would leave you a message BEACHGIRL to say hope you have had a nice holiday and i am looking forward to chatting to you on this thread.


----------



## squiggles

Hi Ladies

Can I join you on this thread?  I am 39 - 40 in 3 weeks today - and had my one NHS IVF on 3rd September, EC 12th Sept - 6 eggs, 4 fertilized, ET 14th Sept - 2 embies + 1 frostie, OTD yesterday and had a BFN. I had a short protocol so only 8 days drugs before EC. It all seemed to be going so well. Lots of AF pain, sore (.)(.) and bloated. It all stopped this Wednesday, when I came down with a bad cold. I woke up feeling different and knew deep down it hadn't worked. I can't help but think if I hadn't caught the cold it would have worked. 

I just feel lost, so angry and so sad. Thankfully we can have FET which is a little bit of hope but not until Jan 2010 which seems so far away.  It feels so unfair and I want to be told why it didn't work, what is wrong with me - my tubes are blocked there isn't supposed to be anything wrong with my womb - and how can I make it better next time. I think I'd rather go through the whole thing again than have medicated FET for just one frostie. It seems such a lot to go through for 1 frostie. If we had more then I'd feel more confident but I'm still grateful we have that one. Time seems to be slipping away so fast.

I'm sorry for the moan. It's early days and I'm very raw. xx

Hi Sage1 - I followed you here from 2WW.


----------



## Irish Dee

Hello ladies,

So sad to see how this thread has grown, but I think we all get comfort from knowing we are not alone.  Well, it's 6 weeks on from my 2nd BFN and I can only now say that I feel back to myself.  I went back to work this week, and only felt ready for it then.  To everyone on here, please take some time to grieve and to begin to feel strong again.  

A little 'mini triumph' for me today.

I've been diagnosed with low progesterone and only have one fallopian tube and my other one is blocked, so my chances of conceiving naturally are extremely low.  Over the last few years, I've had my progesterone tested on 3 occasions and it has always come back as >3, when the required level is over 30.  My consultant says it is very probable that I don't ovulate (anovulation).  Now I've always been tested on day 21 and the best time for testing is 7 days after ovulation.

From time to time, over the last 4 years, I wee on ovulation predictor sticks and have only ever seen once had a LH surge predicted.  Well, since my BFN, I've been eating very healthily and been taking Agnes Cactus and some other vitamins.  I bought a load of OP sticks on line and today, I got 2 strong lines which shows that I am going to have a LH surge.  I am on day 14, so I presume that ovulation will occur with the next 36 hours.  I'm going to ring my GP on Monday and see if I can get testing on Monday week, just to see what the level is.

Now, even though I know that I still can't get pregnant as I have only 1 tube left, (and it is blocked), but I feel over the moon.

Funny the little things that cheer us up.

Not sure if this is the right place to post, but I'm very excited.

Good luck to all in the quest for answers,

Dee
xxx


----------



## martakeithy

Hi everyone,

Dee this is completely the right place to post your good news!   It's fantastic to hear that we are gradually picking ourselves up and making real progress. Thank you for starting this thread, it has been really helpful, we all understand each other and can support each other in this 'safe' place.    

Alison I'm sorry to hear about your BFN. It is a hard thing to come to terms with and so annoying when you don't understand what went wrong. I'm not an expert, but I can imagine that your immune system kicking up a gear to deal with a cold might be negative for an 'alien body' like an embryo. 
I'm not sure what to recommend, but my feeling would be just to push on with the IVF and hopefully build up a reserve of frosties for later/siblings. It depends whether you are self-funding. It costs less for an FET so that may sway your opinion.

Sage I did read about pineapple and find the whole thing very confusing. Some people say the bromelain in the core is what aids implantation, some say the selenium aids implantation, but there is more in a brazil nut than in pineapple. I have read that  pineapple can cause uterine contractions and miscarriage. I did eat some after ET, for around four days, didn't do me much good, but who knows.


----------



## SAGE1

Hi Ladies hope you are feeling a bit better this morning 

Alisonm Hi hun so sorry to here about your result I did see you on the 2ww and guess I posted  on the 2ww thread just to let you know there are other sites where you can come for support. 
I know when I was on 2ww and got my result I just felt dreadful.I felt happy to see others getting BFP but once I got my BFN i just felt as though it was my time to leave that thread as my 2ww had  finished.I did pop back to try to offer some words of support to those who got a negative result having been in the same position  early last week.
I guess with it being my first IVF and the process being more scientific than IUI I kinda put my faith in it that it might work. Having now read Robert Winstons book a child against all odds it appears IVF is a bit of a grand national.


Dee so pleased to here about your good news it all sounds really positive for you.xxx 
Although I totally agree with you that it is sad to see this thread growing at the same time it is nice that we are all taking the time to support one another.You have come to the right place.

Martakeithy I know what you mean about the pinapple thing it was all a bit confusing. I had visions of myself coming out of the supermarket with a trolley full of loads of pinapples and nuts and my poor DP being asked to make a variety of dishes with them (HES THE BETTER COOK).Maybe I will just to stick to          a brazil nut a day helps the implantation stay.

I guess at the end of the day we all have friends  who have been pregnant and did all of the wrong things prior to conceiving which takes me back to the grand national theory it is a bit of a lottery.
Hope you all have some nice things planned for today take care and speak soon lol xxx


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## LEXEY

elo every1  just wanted to pop in and say    
and off cause     huge hugs  sorry av not posted but my mum has had a fall and fractured leg and broke er foot shel be 80  next week so av had to move in with her as shes now alone  am thinkin off you all HANG IN THERE  xxxx


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## martakeithy

Hi everyone,

Lexey that is very kind of you to take care of your mum. I hope she is getting better. At least you are being kept very busy and have somebody to chat with.


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## shani10

Hi everyone, not been on for a few days, been 6weeks now since bfn and had stopped crying until af started friday, guess i was hoping by some miracle itd happen naturaly, never mind.  At least af has arrived!  I hope everyone is looking after themselves, it does get easier to deal with as the weeks go on, u dont forget but learn how to cope. lots of     to all xx


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## Purple_Giraffe

Hello girlies

Hope you don't mind if I join you? I just registered on the site the other day, but have been lurking for a while. 

I'm 35, DH is 36 and we've just had a BFN on our 3rd cycle of ICSI. It's taken 3 years to get to this point and a year or so before that of trying on our own before we discovered DH has very low normal morphology and count. It feels as if fertility treatment has been our whole life forever, but unless we're ready to stop, then it doesn't seem as if things will be changing for a while.

I've always been someone who likes to plan ahead and am terribly impatient once I've decided I want to do something - unfortunately IF is something that I can't control...

I'm actually not feeling too bad today, although I did spend the whole of Sat hiding indoors and crying, so I think I've run out of tears for a while! DH has taken the day off and we've just returned from Pizza Hut where we had one of those 'all you can eat' lunches (and we certainly did) and we're going to the cinema later on. I think I've just driven him nuts by getting him to agree to all kinds of plans while munching our food and I'll probably change my mind on all of them later  

AF has not arrived yet, which has happened on previous cycles - I'd much rather the witch hurries up so I can move on! 

Sending lots of    to everyone 
Claire x


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## gingerbreadgirl

Hi everyone

Hope ok if I pop in and say hello. Got another BFN yesterday. The hardest yet, never gets any easier does it. And I was convinced this one had worked.....

Sorry that each of you have had a negative cycle too  

Claire, I could have written your post myself, especially the bit about getting DH to agree to plans and then changing my mind later on  

Im at home, gonna do some ironing, might as well start clearing the house a bit now that I dont have to "take it easy" anymore....

GG
xx


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## martakeithy

Hi everyone,

Ginger and Giraffe I'm sorry to hear that your cycles were unsuccessful. It is such a hard thing to have to go through and most people don't understand what this is like for us.

I hope that each day things improve and your spirits rise. It has been almost a month since my BFN and I do feel quite normal now. 
When the treatment ends and you aren't pg it does leave a huge gap in your life, because it is so all-consuming, so it is good to take time to grieve, but keep busy and make sure you are still doing the thing you enjoy in life.

There is an in-betweenies thread over here 
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=209416.msg3319216#msg3319216
when you feel ready to think about it again.

Big hugs to you both


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## gingerbreadgirl

Thank you Marta, I have popped a message in the suggested thread. 

GG
x


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## Purple_Giraffe

Hi Gingerbreadgirl, I'm sorry that you had a negative result too  . I think our DHs prob don't know what to do, so will agree to most things for a short while - we really should take more advantage  Hope you are doing ok?

Thanks for your message too Marta and you are so right about the huge gap... 

I had to go back to work today, so I slapped on my happy face and got on with it. I'm not sure why I feel the need to pretend everything is ok? I'm fairly sure I wasn't really fooling them anyway. In fact, if anything I probably acted a bit like a hyperactive lunatic  but nevermind. One day down, 3 more until the weekend.

Take care all
Claire x


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## martakeithy

Hi everyone,

Ginger, nice to see you on the other thread. Hope we can keep you sane in the meantime.  

Giraffe, it is soooo hard when you can't really say anything to people. Take very good care of yourself. Did you share with anyone or is it top secret: the treatment?


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## jo8

Hi

Hope its ok to join in. Just got BFN after 2nd ICSI.Didn't get as far as t/x on 1st because of 'polyp' that wasn't so had 2 frozen embies. On this 2nd cycle got 2 eggs so 2 embryos and defrosted our 2 frozen but they didn't survive. At least got as far as t/x this time I suppose. Feeling very low as we were only supposed to do this once on consultant's advice as he didn't think it would work because of blood results but was ok to do it to help us come to terms with it. Don't know if any of this is making sense - brain feels numb and just can't stop crying. Don't know where to go next...

Jo x


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## beachgirl

Jo, so sorry to hear about your negative cycle   

What bloods have you had done?


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## martakeithy

Jo8, so sorry to hear your bad news!        
Of course you are upset, this is a hard hard thing to do and you are amazing to have done it twice, it is so draining.
Were the blood tests for the AMH and FSH? 
Take time to recover and give yourself and your DH the space you need to grieve and come to terms before you continue your journey.
Have you any ideas about next steps or is it all just too early?


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## gingerbreadgirl

Hello Jo8

Im so sorry your tx didnt work out   It is so unfair that we have to go through this. After getting my BFN on Monday I have found a lot of comfort in FF support. Take some time to let your natural grief and disappointment come out. Take each day as it comes. Maybe have a few days off work if you can.   As for where to go next I would defeinitely go for a follow up with your clinic and before doing so get as much information/ questions to ask as you can from these very knowledgeable ladies on FF.  

GG
xx


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## martakeithy

Hi everyone,

Jo8 I second Ginger's advice about taking some time off, it is so draining that it's nice to have well-earned rest and a bit of a potter around.


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## Purple_Giraffe

Hi Marta

How are you?

Re telling people about treatment - For our 1st cycle we told everyone and I seemed to need to keep talking about it all the time to anyone that would even half listen! The for the 2nd cycle we just told close friends and family, but to be honest my mum and MiL were so attentive that it drove me up the wall. I know that sounds very ungrateful, but I couldn't stand the sympathetic phone calls and / visits because I felt as if I was having to convince them I was fine all the time! So this time we didn't tell anyone except my boss at work and my best friend. Well, that didn't work out great either because when I got my negative result my friend avoided me (I don't think she knew what to do or say) and I didn't feel I could go rushing round to my parents and suddenly tell them everything...so I wallowed on my own. I have no idea what I'll do if / when we do this again 

What did do? Did anyone find the right balance?

Claire x


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## Purple_Giraffe

Hi Jo8

How have you been today?

I'm really sorry you got a negative result   and hope at least we can listen and understand a little bit how you're feeling  
As the other girls have said, just try and take some time out to recover a bit and try and be nice to yourself. The treatment takes so much out of us physically and mentally that I don't think it's easy for us to think clearly for a while afterwards and yet the first thing we all want to do is know what to do next. 

Take care

Claire x


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## martakeithy

Giraffe, it's hard to know what to do, but you didn't enjoy the attention the first time, then I doubt you would have the second. It sounds as if you had bad luck with the friend, some people are marvellous and some just don't have a clue what to do. 
We didn't tell anyone the first time, just posted on another forum, which did help a bit.
This time I came onto FF and joined the in-betweenies and then quite a few cycle buddies, so was absolutely struggling to keep up with all the posts, but it was nice to have so many online friends to chat with. I also told a couple of RL friends, both of whom were absolutely lovely so I was lucky in that.
The first time was much harder.


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## gingerbreadgirl

Hey girls

I agree, its hard to know what to do re telling people. I am not working at the mo so no boss to tell, but we did tell close family. Not really sure why, especially as when I test BFN my mum ALWAYS WITHOUT FAIL tells me that hpts are not always correct and I should keep taking meds and cyclogest until AF arrives which COMPLETELY does my head in but I know she means well  

GG
xx


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## martakeithy

Hi everyone,

Ginger, my DP does that too. He refuses to give up. They do mean well, but it can be a bit aaargh! He even asked me if I could be pg about a week after my BFN blood test.


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## jo8

Hi Ladies

Thanks for the messages - not up to posting much sorry. Not feeling quite as emotional - session with acupuncturist and telling my head of HR yesterday (who is going to support me as boss has been awkward in the past) has helped, along with all of you guys. Feeling really ill physically though - sick, and really bad A/f - couldn't stand up with it this morning, but hospital say it can happen.
Will post more when up to it

Thanks for your support
Jo x


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## nilu

Hi ! I am 36 and my dh is 39 and we had our first ICSI last month. on 30th sept I was meant to test and I got a bfp. I was overjoyed. A day later I started bleeding and I knew it was going downhill from there. After weeks of blood tests, endless positive then negative tests, yesterday I was told that I had an early miscarriage. I am heartbroken and can understand what its like for others in a similar situation with a negative cycle. lets not give up. right now it seems so hard to pick up the pieces and move on.


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## Purple_Giraffe

Hi Nilu

I'm very sorry to hear about your early miscarriage - no wonder you are heartbroken   
I don't know what else I can say right now, but hope FF can give you a little support. 

Claire x


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## martakeithy

Hi everyone

Jo8 I'm sorry you are going through a hard time physically and emotionally, how draining for you. Great that you have spoken to your HR person and got things off your chest, also I'm sure acupuncture would be great. You have reminded me of how much my acunpuncturist helped me to cope with the symptoms of the drugs during IVF, perhaps I should go back.
We are here when you are ready to post.       

Nilu I'm so sorry for your loss. You do sound very positive, which is great. It is such a hard thing to go through you must be absolutely exhausted. On the positive side, it's great that you got right through the treatment and the embryo obviously implanted. It sounds as if it is just a matter of time for you. Stay strong!   

Hi Ginger big wave.


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## gingerbreadgirl

Hi girls

 Nilu, sending you big   What a traumatic time you have been through. As Marta said it is very encouraging that implantation did take place and Zita West says in her book that your cycle will have given your clinic very valuable information for next time, so you can take comfort from these positives although I know it is terribly sad and upsetting not to have this BFP continue. Take time to grieve for your loss of your baby and your loss of your dreams for now, but indeed as you rightly said, LETS NOT GIVE UP     Our dreams will come true, and in the meantime the challenges we face are preparing us for being the best parents we could possibly ever be  

GG
xxx


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## may2

Hey all,
Hope you don't mind if I join you?
me 34, DH 36 we have just got our first BFN following IVF
right ovarian cystectomy 2000
x2 M/C 2003
TTC for 3 years
fibroid diagnosed and removed Jan 09, left tube no good
1st IVF Aug/Sept 2009. @ HH
EC 23/09/09 6 eggs collected from one ovary. 2 fertilised. 4 cells and 6 cells at day 2
ET 25/09/09 2 Embies
OTD 08/10/2009 BFN Devastate.
I am heartbroken and can understand what its like for others in a similar situation with a negative cycle. All your hugs makes a world of difference.
May xx


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## martakeithy

May I'm so sorry to hear about your BFN. It is very hard to take after going through so much. I can say from experience that it does ease off and you will feel better in a few weeks although it is hard to imagine.
Take it easy and allow yourself and your DH time to grieve and heal and lots of pampering and self-indulgence for a week or two.
Does your hospital have any counselling available, it can be a real help.


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## gingerbreadgirl

May

I am sorry you got a BFN     Every cycle should end with a BFP given how much we put our selves and our bodies through and it is just not fair when it doesnt   Take some time to grieve for the loss of your dreams and to get over the physical effects of this cycle, you and your DH deserve lots of lovely stuff so be kind to one another and maybe try to plan something nice for this weekend. A long walk in the forest or the beach or a park is always good for some fresh air and a good chance to talk it through.  

GG
xxx


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## jo8

Hi 

May - just to reiterate what GG has said. I had BFN on Wed last week & felt devasted  as you see in my previous posts. I think its the shock of the news, combined with all the hormones. I'm certainly feeling 200% better today than I did last Thurs so although it sounds corny just think about getting through 1 day at a time. You will feel absolutely shattered physically and emotionally but eventually you do cry yourself out of the constant crying. I've cried today when I've got home from work as I'm sure lots of the ladies on here have down but the tears are getting less. We went for a walk in the sunshine yesterday - it does help - sometimes the hardest part is just going out that frontdoor or even just telling friends/family but you will find the strength together. I went to the acupuncturist last week & that really helped me sleep on the 2nd night so if you have been seeing one it might be worth trying that.

 
Jo x


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## gingerbreadgirl

Hi Jo

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. I have been feeling progressively better but been a bit down today   Its inevitable though I keep telling myself not to expect too much, its still early days after the tx and the BFN to expect to bounce back immediately, but nevertheless its hard to rtionalise sometimes when you are feeling sorry for yourself eh  

Sending all the ladies a big  

Anyone else out there an England v Belarus widow this evening?  

GG
xxx


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## Irish Dee

Hello lovely ladies,

I had my review consultation yesterday following our 2nd BFN in August.  

My consultant said that our treatment seemed to go really well and that the quality of our embryos was much better that our 1st attempt, but on my scan I have a lot of fluid in my remaining tube, which is also very swollen and distended.  Any of this fluid coming back into the uterus could have contributed to our last negative and the recommendation is to have my one remaining tube removed.  

My sensible head tells me that after nearly 5 years of unprotected sex and still no BFP, this operation makes sense.  

My emotional head tells me that this operation does take away the very, very, very remote, 'miraculous', sliver of hope of ever achieving a natural pregnancy. 

My consultant is going to send a letter to my GP and from there, I need to be referred  to my local Gyne department.  Really don't know how long this will all take, but if it seems to be taking forever, we will go privately.  Advised to leave about 1 month from op to going back for frosties, so hopefully still early 2010.

In a way, I'm glad that something different is being done and reading other posts on the tubal factors site, it all makes sense, but on the other hand, does it ever end?

hope everyone is well,

Dee


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## JO35

Hi Everyone
Wondered if I could join you.  Had 2 embies transfered on the 8th of this month and started my period today.  Sooooo sad but trying to be positive we can prob do 1 more cycle before we have to re-mortgage the house!  Not stopped crying yet but I know we are blessed to have a 4 year old miracle.  I hope to get to know you and your stories
Lots of love
Jo35xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## beachgirl

Jo   so sorry to hear about your negative cycle, sending you big hugs


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## michelleD

Hi ladies, may i join you?
We have just finished our 1st ivf cycle, resulting in BFN on 17th oct. We knew on the tue previous that it had failed, so had come to terms with it. Two weeks crying is enough for anyone! Now on a real downer again, found out last night that my best friend is 15weeks pregnant. I don't begrudge her at all, just really wish it was me with the good news.
We are just waiting for follow up app now. Have 6 frosties waiting for us.

Hope to get to know you all

love and hugs 
xxxxxxxx


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## Mellyo

HI Ladies

Can I join you here for a while? We had our first icsi cycle which ended in a bfn on monday. It was a shock as had had a tiny bit of brown spotting in the 2ww but that was it so i was fooled into thinking it was implantation bleeding. What a cruel trick.

I keep crying even when I dont think I am thinking about it.     Crazy.

Nor sure what to do just at the moment but am definately not going to give up without a fight.

Mel xx


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## may2

Mel, Michelle and odriscde01     sorry to hear about your negative cycle. 
It is very hard to take after going through so much.
Take it easy and allow yourself time to grieve and heal before thinking of plan b.

will be    for you
May


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## pammiemc

Hello can I join you?  We have just had our first BFN from IVF.  Our journey seems to have gone on forever and to have another let down is so saddening.  Their are no words that could describe the feelings and emotions that we have experienced.    I am so pleased to finally read and hear from others who are experiencing what myself and my DH are.  Currentley waiting unitl our follow up apt arrives from the clinic  fingers crossed for next time Pammie x


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## Irish Dee

Hello everone,

Was not sure where to post this, but just wanted to vent. I'm sure we have all had similar experiences. Sorry for the 'me' post, but sometimes this is just harder than others.

Having now made the decision to have my remaining tube removed and waiting to have to have my routine smear done next week (3 year recall just up and have had a number of irregular cells and colcoscopys in the past, a loop diathomy and ended up with 6 monthly smears for 2 years), and just have a rubbish feeling that I will have an irregular cell count and be delayed again.

The time just seems to be slipping through my hands. I started TTC when I was 33 and even then felt that I was starting a little late, yet here I am over 4 years later and I am no closer. I said to my DH last night that I can't believe that we are heading into our 5th Christmas without a sniff of a pregnancy. We never thought that we would be waiting this long, but yet here we still are!!!!

Last night me and DH were minding our friend's 2 children. They are moving house and asked us to have them overnight. Two lovely little boys aged 4 and 1. I picked them up yesterday at 4.30 and they were collected tonight at 5. Firstly I was really pleased that my friend asked us to have them as some people I know think that if you don't have kids yourself, that you are not to be trusted with them.

We had such a lovely 24 hours and it gave me a 'glimpse' of what might be. When DH came in from work last night, the house was busy and full, we all had tea together and then bath and bed. The baby woke at 5.30 and I brought him into the bed with us and he snuggled in between us and slept for another hour. Morning babies are soo cute and he was all snuggles and cuddles.

We got up when the older one woke and then had breadfast and went to the park, then went food shopping. We had lunch and then played games all afternoon and it was just lovely.

Now, I'm absolutely wrecked tired, but it was just a lovely time. My DH was soo patient and lovely with the 4 year old, (who adores him) and I can see the kind of Dad he would be if he got the chance.

When they left tonight, our home just seems like a house. Hope I'm making sense, but times like this make the longing more acute.

I've not been crying or anything, but just feel that life is cruel and so unfair.

Reread this poem that I keep close to me and it does give me strength.

http://tripletbutterflywings.com/infertilitysupport.aspx


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## krazy-kitty

Hi not sure if Iam in the right thread, but here I go.

Had tx at scan health in Norway, should have had ec on Monday, but didnt even make it, didnt respond to tx and scans showed 7 folicles between 8-10mm dispite increasing my puregon from 225IU to 350IU.  I have also had chemo & radiotherapy for Leaukemia as a child and they think that this may have effected the function of the overies.

Not in a happy place right now and not really sure what to do next, should I try with stronger meds and see what happens or should I think about donner or embryo adoption.  This tx hit me really hard and not sure if I could go through it again just to find out that my eggs are no good.  

Is there any test that can be done to see if the overys are functioning normally, my scan showed normal size overies, but lots of cysts.


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