# How long did it take to love your new child?



## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi,

Our baby boy came home on Tuesday and we've had a very stressful few days far from the idillyic visions I had imagined.  He is very unsettled and only slept 3 hours all night.  How long did this last if you experienced it?

I also feel like I am just babysitting and still havent any great feelings of love for him yet.  DH says this will come but am so scared it wont.

I'm hoping its just because I am beyond exhausted and feeling very insecure myself

Any help or advice would be greatfully received

x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi, we haven't got to this stage yet but have been doing a lot of reading and it seems that what you're feeling is very common. My advice would just be good to yourself and don't expect too much too soon x feelings for anyone tend to grow gradually after we meet them and you shouldn't worry that your love is not instant. Plus sleep deprivation is evil indeed...!


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi there,

I can see where you are coming from as you have children already, but it can be different each time. We had our daughter with the (amazing) help of donor eggs and I also struggled initially. I think when we have been through so much to achieve our dreams of a family that we expect it to be perfect in every way. The reality for me was that my pregnancy was hard and giving birth was a waking nightmare. That we had our family a different way wasn't the problem, though it was what consumed me at the time, but the adjustment was hard. Give yourself time to relax into your new family, because their is no automatic 'joy' button in the real world - 'normal' non-IF Mums struggle too. I think that too often we expect that reaching the end of the rainbow will be the happy ending - but it does often take time

This is the first time I have admitted that everything wasn't perfect, but we got there in the end. It was hard going, but we got there - and you will too

Caroline xxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

What you are feeling is very normal so please don't be hard on yourself    No one can say how long it will take for you to fall in love with your new child, every situation is different but its not unheard of to taken 6 plus months.  You are strangers and its going to take time to get to know each other and to adjust to life with this new person in it. 'Fake it til you make it' is a piece of advice that gets passed around sites such as AUK and to be honest its right and one day you won't be faking it anymore.  With my 1st it took about 6 months I guess, with my 2nd it was pretty automatic but she was a 14 month old gorgeous baby girl as opposed to a challenging 2 year old little boy.

The unsettled nights are to be expected really I'm afraid.  How old is your LO?  Everything they have known has changed, smells and voices are different, even the lighting of a room or colours can cause our new LOs to feel very insecure and night time is the time when all this will come out.  Can you and DH take turns so you both get some sleep?  Is he off on paternity leave still?  If he is back at work, is there someone close you can get some help with your DD during the day so you can nap while LO naps?  There is no easy answer, it will take time for LO to settle and is very normal.  Try to keep things as close to FCs routine etc as possible for the time being, is it possible for you to have LO in your room?  How was his sleeping at FCs?  Is there anything they did to settle him that you could do?  Don't be afraid to phone them and ask.

A good book may be First Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts by Caroline Archer.

It does get easier and he will settle.
OT x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi KJ, 

Only a little ahead of you with little man home. I don't have a birth child so can only comment on how I've been feeling. Little man is hard going (in amongst the gorgeous 15month old he is). He also doesn't sleep and I had been doing more of the wakes as DH still on man sleep mode is out for count whilst I'm adjusting to mummy sleeps lol. Y'day I had no sleep for 2nights running (I mean none!), DH got rudely awakened at 5 whilst I then went to bed. At moments I definately think I love little man (I'm definately infatuated). But im confident the deeper love will come once we really know each other. Lack of sleep really makes everything feel much worse if you have the hint of a doubt and us completely normal.

Feel free to PM if you want and be good to you (OTs advice is perfect by the way).
G x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I am not there yet but I am expecting it to take a long time - I'm a prepare for the worst hope for the best kind. I am not expecting to love adopted children straight away and think it will be really hard at first (I'm pretty much picturing the emotional equivalent of Baghdad.)  

I think it is harder for you in some ways because you are comparing it subconsciousnessly  to your experience with DD and probably feeling a bit guilty that you don't have the same rush of love. Don't beat yourself up you will get there but it is a very different route to being a Mummy. You have 9 months bonding and learning to love a child before meeting them if you do it biologically. So you and DS are 9 months behind right now however this will soon be caught up.  

My sister (who has 2 biological children she loves to pieces) says that she can't imagine that any love can compare to the love that is built between an adopted child and parent because it built out of a massive mutual need your need to parent and their need to be parented and this is an incredibly powerful thing. It just takes time.  x x x


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Don't really have any wisdom or advise from experience as not quite at that stage. I just wanted to send you lots of     I'm sure what you are earning to happen will take time and that seems acceptable. Don't beat yourself up, like someone has already said 'be kind to yourself'. I work with women who suffer Postnatal depression (different I know) but the main cause is a dissapointent in experiences due to great expectations and ppl putting to much pressure on themselves. Please just relax, take a well deserved bath and nights sleep. Let DH due the nighttime and let you rest, you'll look at the whole situation differently with 'fresh eyes'. Try and just enjoy what you are experiencing and don't analyse it too much or put your relationship under the microscope. Be open and honest with DH and just take each day at a time. 
Good luck and take care    


Gwyneth - What a beautiful thing for your sister to say, really made me smile


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I cared about our LO but sleep deprivation makes falling in love with them that much harder as you can't think straight!  I remember it taking about a month to feel like they weren't going to snatch him away again and for the first 6wks although I fell in love with him very early on,  I often felt like a fraud playing at being mummy,  even though I loved him so much it physically hurt by then. He's been home 4 mths now and I finally this past month started to feel like his mum. We're were told we could go to court but mainly cause he got just over the super-clingy stage and he looked to me for reassurance and whenever he hurts himself, mummy kisses and cuddles actually work. For me, even though I'm nearly 30 and been married for 6yrs, when I'm ill I want my mum cause she's the only one who can make it all better,  so knowing I had magically developed this skill was the real sign that it was all real.


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## Tishtashtwoteeth (Aug 24, 2011)

My little boy has been home three months now. In the beginning I felt just the same as op. felt like I was babysitting, didn't love him, wasn't really enjoying, thought what the hell have I done etc? Three months in and I adore hi , as does all of my family. Can't imagine life without him. I'm sure my feelings will grow and grow. Please don't be too hard on yourself - us new mums put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect. Enjoy falling in love with your little one xx


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

what you are feeling is so normal, i felt trapped for about 6mnths and with hindsight i was definitely depressed.


we adopted 2 kids and i attached to the younger after about a yr, the older well i'm not sure I have yet there is something there as last weekend I got choked up when he went away to cub camp on his own first time - took me my completed surprise.


but I still think OMG I miss my old life pre-children


it takes time and creeps up on you


you will feel like a babysitter for a while yet


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Lo has been home 6 weeks now. The first few days were hard, he was very unsettled with lots of tantrums and kept bringing us his shoes and waving goodbye as he wanted to go back. He still doesn't sleep that well. He woke at 5.30 yesterday and 6-6.30 is common while he slept to 7-7.30 with his fc. He is so much more settled now and the tantrums have stopped (for now anyway he is 2 so expecting more). To be honest I felt I loved him from the start but have noticed when I'm tired I feel differently and find myself getting annoyed with him so I'm not surprised by the way you are feeling. Things will get better with time.


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

This is such an instructive thread. Thank you so much for contributing everyone. 
I am thrilled for those of you who have found love and big well dones and wish I could send bonus doses of energy and peace to those of you in the thick of building towards being the family you want to be.x


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## Tessa 123 (Jan 18, 2013)

I thought exactly the same thing, wondering if I'm ever going to love this little boy. Well I can say after 5 weeks in, massive shock to the system, questioning if we've done the right thing by adopting, the worse tantrums ever, and missing my old simple life, that i simply wouldn't change him for the world. Not sure if I LOVE him yet but I do know I'd do anything to protect him and keep him safe, so if that's not love then.... 

It will definitely come with time.


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Thanks so much to you all for your kind and encouraging words of wisdom and support.  This forum has really been a life saver the whole way through the process x

To answer a few of your questions:  

LO is only just 10 months old.  He slept through 6pm - 7 am until before Christmas when the evil toothy pegs stopped that so we know he hasnt been too good at night for a while now.  

DH is off work for another week and is very supportive and calm (the exact opposite of me) and has taken everything in his stride.  The only down side is that when his head hits the pillow he does not hear LO nor did he with DD.  This morning having been up 11 times over night with LO who doesnt wake but is screaming and thrashing in his sleep DH risked his life by saying "Oh well done baby boy, you gave Mummy a whole night sleep". LOL.  It works OK when he is here as I stay up all night trying to soothe a stressed out little boy and when he wakes I pass him over and crash into bed for an hour before DD gets up.  Not quite sure how I will cope when he goes back to work as he is out of the house from 5 am to 7 pm most days but will just get on with it!


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi again

Just to say I know how you feel about teething, disturbed sleep and DH's who sleep through the lot!!!  Since Christmas last year my DD has had all her teeth come through (she had 4 when we met her) and her last one is just coming through now.  I don't sleep well at the best of times so have found being up constantly during the night really hard and really relish the odd night of full sleep.  My DH has never once got up to DD in the night, even when I've been ill or so tired I can't lift my head of the pillow, but I think you just have to accept these things and get on with it.  I go to bed at 9pm most nights and am up at 5.45am during the week, lucky to get to 7am at weekends.

So much has happened for your LO in his short life and the crying in his sleep is something to expect at this stage, did your SW not warn you of this?  We purposely introduced my Mum early on because of this so I had support when DH went back to work (which he did 3 days after she came home), not for her to do any of the caring but to be in the house if I needed to sleep or to just help out with housework and other jobs like collecting DS from school, cooking, shopping etc.  In the end we didn't need too much help but it was good knowing I had that available.

Look after yourself, get DH doing things at weekends in order to give you some time.  My DH hardly sees the children during the week so I let him do more at weekends.

It can be hard at first but you will get there and things will get easier.

OT x


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Nothing at all was mentioned about how he would settle in and when I asked if I should expect any problems they didnt have anything to say just be patient, you are parents already you know what you are doing?!?!?

Unfortunately my family all live 30 miles away so arent around for school runs so Im just going to have to get on with it.  My friends are all great so am sure if I have had a shocker of a night I can ask them to watch him for  afew hours so i can crash during the day x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

KJB, teetha powder from boots/tesco and ibuprofen or calpol through the night if needed have done wonders for ours!  He came to us 4 mths ago with 6teeth and now has 12 -only the canines left to come. He was a nightmare! At first we picked him up each time, then gradually started to let him cry a few minutes before going to him, then after 2mths we only settled him in the cot but wouldn't pick him up, and now he still squawks occasionally through the night but we don't go to him unless he's either sat up fully awake or has lost his dummy and he usually settles. We're finding he sleeps through about 1 or 2 nights in every 3 now.


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,


Is your LO in the same room as you? If not, might that help.....? Just a thought. DH might be more likely to hear him, and if most if what you are doing is soothing him while he is fretting in his sleep, maybe being nearer you will help him, and mean you don't have to leave you bed to do so. I still feel a bit guilty admitted this, but I bought earplugs and used them once ir twice a week when v tired when our first LO moved in, DH did eventually hear the crying when I didn't get up to sort it??


Xruth


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## nutmeg (Aug 21, 2009)

I'm just there KJB, DD2 has been home for 6 weeks and I'm definately falling in love with her, although some days when she's unsettled etc it cna be difficult. For my DH it's not there yet, but his feelings towards her are growing each day.
You will get there and it is very different from having a birth child, the biggest thing for me was the smell, she smelt so different from DD1 and I struggled for a few weeks. Then I picked up a bib one day and smelt it and thought it was lovely    previously it had knocked me sick; that's when I knew we were on the right track


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## nutmeg (Aug 21, 2009)

Forgot to say, she's been home 6 weeks and is nearly 8 months old.


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Nutmeg thanks so much for that. I've felt the same about the smell too and thought I was mental among other things. It's so nice to hear the same emotions x

LO is 10 months and is getting more and more settled everyday and the happier he becomes makes it much easier to fall a bit more in love with him every day.

It's only on his grumpy days that I feel anxious. Hopefully that will start to reduce x


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## nutmeg (Aug 21, 2009)

Completely natural and the smell thing really threw me off guard as that wasn't the problem I was expecting! But smell is a primal thing, babies have a unique smell that mother recognises but when you're new to that baby somehow it's not right and I think that's all the more obvious when you have a BC.

I know what you mean, today we all had a brilliant day and I felt that love all the stronger; tomorrow if I have porridge spat all over me and crying all day (I hope not!) then I may not be quite so in love


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Thanks for all your responses everyone.

Im very happy to say the last 2 weeks have been so much better than the 1st week and life is getting back to normal.  Im enjoying being at home with him and he makes me happy so we are getting there


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Really pleased for you x x x


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