# In need of some reassurance please



## mummy2blossom (Feb 21, 2013)

Firstly I'm sorry for the me post & warning I'm a compulsive worrier! 

Am currently doubting my parenting and just need some reassurance that I'm going along the right track!
(Also fuelled by ridiculous pmt - which is a whole other issue!)
Normally I'm able to reason with my doubts but those annoying hormones are affecting my rational thinking! (Will be off to GP as have had so much bother with AF since stopping ivf)

I just need some of you experienced mummies/daddies to tell me it's normal to feel like this sometimes!

Blossom is just over 8months old, been home nearly 10weeks

I'm paranoid that blossom is not attaching even though she:
Smiles when she sees us, eats/sleeps well, looks for us/calls out if she can't see us, looks to us when my mum holds her (mum has only done this around 5 times and very short), can be wary of strangers (but also randomly smiles at people sometimes), she holds great eye contact, smiles and chatters when we do, occasionally sleeps in my arms, allows us to comfort her if she's hurt (can push us away). 
As I'm writing this I'm feeling we may be doing OK. 

She seems so happy and plays well with us and on her own, we do lots of singing, rhymes involving touch and calm/exciteable songs, we go swimming once a week, let her explore our faces, bath together, parent facing pram, lots of walks & time just being us together indoors, limiting meetings, strict limits on visitors to house (actually very rare) and lots of other little things I probably don't even realise!


I think what I'm asking is,
a) is it normal to doubt & worry it'll go wrong
b) is what we're doing is OK
c) how can you tell things are going well & attachment is beginning?

Thank you for taking the time to read my waffle!


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

My lbd has been home six months and I can say I worried about that for most of those months! It's healthy I reckon as it keeps you thinking about it.
Sounds like wonderful strong beginnings to me.

I am currently worried about bad behaviour being adoption related and am asking friends with birth children if theirs did x y and z at the same age and keep hearing yes which is reassuring!

Good luck
Gettina


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Mummy2blossom


It is totally normal to feel like this and from what you have said you are doing an excellent job.
Sw talk about attachement like it should happen in my matter of weeks but from books I have read it could take a good year to get that attachement.
Our son has been home 10 months and like gettina I also check with birth mummy's that have children his age if he is doing things that he should be for reassurance even now.  Thankfully I have a friend who has a little boy two months older and I always saying is xxxxx doing this ? Xxxxxx did this the other day does xxxxxx? 
Don't be to hard on yourself you are doing a wonderful job


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

> plays well with us and on her own, we do lots of singing, rhymes involving touch and calm/exciteable songs, we go swimming once a week, let her explore our faces, bath together, parent facing pram, lots of walks & time just being us together indoors


Wow, it sounds like you're doing amazingly well! I still feel like I'm in survival mode half the time, so I was really impressed reading about all that you're doing 

From what I've read about attachment (a lot recently, as had concerns about my own two), she's showing all the right signs of a secure attachment, so I don't think you need to worry at all. From my own personal experience, worrying is completely normal though. I'm always worrying that I'll do or say something wrong and scar them for life, or that SWs won't think we're doing a good enough job and take the kids from us or something equally awful  I know it won't happen like that and when I step back and look at things logically, I can see that everything's going very well, but the anxiety's still there. I think it's because I've wanted children for so long and now I have these two little cuties and I love them so much, I can't bear to lose them (or mess them up, or make mistakes, or cause them any hurt).

I'm not an experienced mummy at all, but I think you should keep doing what you're doing, it sounds brilliant - and Blossom's very lucky to have such a wonderful mummy!


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Your worries are exactly the same as mine so I think you're doing just fine!

We're new to this and will evaluate an re evaluate everyting! If your LO is happy an settled then you're doing a good job  x


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## mummy2blossom (Feb 21, 2013)

Thank you every one for your lovely replies, it means a lot to hear I'm doing OK!

I find it very reassuring that you have the same worries & it's not some strange paranoia I've developed!

A quick question, should we go into blossom as soon as she wakes?  She often wakes around 5am but after 5/10mins goes back off & this morning I'm feeling guilty as I got up to make 7am bottle (at 6.40 as usual) and she was happy chattering in her cot, by the time I made it she had gone back to sleep. I don't know if she's going back to sleep because she's miserable/lonely or just simply tired!  I don't want her feeling a sense of neglect but I also don't want to cut short her sleep!

Sorry again for the questions but as usual friends/family don't have any advice I feel I trust!  

Thank you again for your kind support


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

She sounds like a happy contented baby. If she's upset & crying in distress I personally wouldn't leave her to cry but that's with my lil man. You will know your girls cries now & be at tuning to her needs. 
X


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

It sounds like you're doing lots of lovely things together and over time, the attachment will develop and become more secure.  

We had waking issues with both of ours on placement.  Wyxling was very quiet through the night on placement but we realised she had to be awake at times because she was just exhausted all the time and had huge bags under her eyes every morning when I went in.  I started checking on her in the night more and she was often awake and just staring into space.  She also used to hurt herself in the night when she was awake and on her own.  It was really very disturbing and she was clearly incredibly unhappy and had some very unhealthy ways of soothing herself.  I used to go in several times a night and if she was awake I would lie on a duvet on the floor and hold her hand if she would let me and just sing/talk to her until she slept.

When Bladelet was placed we had a couple of weeks of poor sleep, but then he just settled.  He often woke very early in the morning (still does) and sang to himself for 15 or 20 minutes quite happily and just went back to sleep again.  At first I was really on edge and waiting to go in - honestly I was completely unused to the idea that a child could self-sooth - but once I realised he was absolutely fine I just used to go back to sleep.  It drove my husband round the bend that I could sleep through him making a complete racket, but I think I was so knackered that once I'd clocked baby boy was happy and I didn't need to worry, I'd just pull the duvet over my head and go back to sleep.  

Unfortunately, at the moment he's experimenting in shrieking different words as loud as he can at regular intervals, and while he's fine, he then wakes Wyxling, who certainly won't go back to sleep on her own in the morning and absolutely has to come to me the second she's awake or she just melts, and then no-one goes back to sleep as they start competing for Mummy attention at about 5:30!  We are all tired, and Bladelet is not generally our favourite family member in the early hours of the morning!

Anyway, the long stories aside, it sounds like she's showing you when she's not happy at other times, so if she wasn't happy then, she'd let you know.  The way you're describing her she just sounds like a chatty/happy baby who's learned to both amuse and sooth herself and this is really healthy!  As long as you're there when she needs you or shows any distress, I would not worry.

I'd also enjoy the lie ins!  Actually, I'd kill for the lie ins right now!  A lie in!

I completely sympathise with the ridiculous PMT by the way, it is something I've had horrendous problems with over the years and it has really come to dominate my life, work and home in the past.  I've been on medication for about 10 years now and I wish so very much I'd been more insistent with the Doctor sooner about the severity of the problem - GPs do tend to be pretty dismissive about it.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

If she's happy in her cot that's good 

We leave LO until he starts moaning...he can play a good 20/30 mins an we love hearing him chatting an playing...I think it means they understand thee cot can be a fun place too so if you need to pop them in to shower etc wouldn't cry...I'm no expert tho :-/


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## mummy2blossom (Feb 21, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your replies, 
Gertie you're right I do feel like I'm tuning into her & her cries so I've just got to trust my new found mummy sense!

Wixie I really appreciate you sharing your stories and your knowledge, I find your posts a great inspiration!

Poppy sounds like little man has the same habit in the morning - I must admit I do lay there grinning to myself when her chatter comes through the monitor (the best sounding alarm I've ever had!)

Anyway pmt has calmed now so I'm feeling more in control and slightly more rational thinking!

I do love this forum, such a fantastic support & I know there's always someone with wise words


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