# Alienated by my friends



## Doris83 (Jan 28, 2012)

I just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. My last childless friend had her first baby a month ago, and I feel so alienated and left out, not just by her but by all of my friends. Everyone, and I literally mean everyone I know has children, we're constantly being left out of things or when we do make plans their more than likely always cancelled as something has happened with the kids or the babysitters let them down or they're just too tired.

We're going through our 2nd cycle of ICSI and no one cares, if it wasn't for me bringing it up it wouldn't ever get discussed. 

I feel totally alone and isolated and I just wish someone would give me some support.


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## Hoping30 (Jun 17, 2013)

Hi Doris
I Totally understand how u feel as I was in that place for 4 years. Strength is key to let go and distance yourself a little for ur own sanity while ur going thru ur journey!
Iv learnt not to expect anything from anyone else, that way u don't get hurt.

X wishing u all the best x


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## Doris83 (Jan 28, 2012)

Thanks for the reply hoping, no need to distance myself as I only have a couple of friends and they have distanced themselves from me. I feel like all I do is work then come home to my hubby, i have no social life at all and no one to lean on or talk to.


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## Egg1234 (May 31, 2013)

Oh Doris, i'm so sorry. I lost friends whilst ttc and struggling (for 10 years now!!) with infertility and treatments. Firstly i honestly believe that good friends stand by you no matter what. In the end I found new friends, some of whom were in a similar position, others were just more understanding. Are there any infertility support groups near you where you could meet new people?


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## Doris83 (Jan 28, 2012)

Hi egg, I've not really looked into support groups or anything like that, I'm quite shy and don't make friends easily, but I think I need to do something as feeling this isolated is really starting to get to me.


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## melbg (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi Doris, 

Sorry that things are rough for you and that you are feeling this way.   I think this is something that many of us can relate to. IF as with any life situation has the power to make you feel different from your friends and for them to feel uncomfortable talking about something which they know nothing about and wish didn't exist. Think cancer, someone dying, miscarriage. All have the awkwardness factor.

I agree with egg, it would be a good idea to have some new friends who understand what you are going through. Whereabouts in the country are you? Have you found a thread on here for your clinic? Maybe there are some ladies local to you who feel the same way? And I'm always up for a pm... 

Good luck with your upcoming cycle! x


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## Doris83 (Jan 28, 2012)

Thanks mel, I live in Warwickshire, I'll definitely have a look for some support groups


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi all,

I am with all of you on this one! DH and I had our first ICSI cycle in April and it failed. It really knocked us for six, and I broke the news to my two closest friends by email. (Impersonal, I know, but I couldn't face a telephone call and having to repeat the news twice.)

Anyway, I received lovely messages back from them, and I replied to say how low I was feeling, explaining how hard I was finding it. I didn't hear back again until yesterday (around a week after the last email). Now, I am one of those people who will cut off my nose to spite my face, and I didn't contact either of them, so it is partly my fault, but I did (and do) really feel that they should have been in touch sooner. (IF-related selfishness there though??)

What doesn't help is that one friend has a 5 month old, the other is due to give birth any moment. In the emails today, (in which we were all copied in) they both finished off with comments about my friend's pregnancy and hope that she isn't too tired and that she doesn't have her baby while the other friend is away on holiday. (haha, bloody hilarious.) I read it and thought "oh my god! How did you think that that was a good thing for me to see?" I just felt so sad, with that reminder of how their friendship has moved on and I have been left behind.

So, yes, it is such a strange mix of emotions when you realise how your friends lives are different in a way that you hope yours will be one day, but are acutely aware that it might not ever be. It's as if there is another layer of grief to contend with - the possibility of not being a parent, and the possibility of losing very close and dear friends.

I am (thankfully) a member of a support group in my local area, which was founded here on ff! I am very lucky to say that I have really hit it off with one lady in the group and we have met up on our own and text each other nearly every day. She was right by my side throughout my first cycle, cheering me on all the time, and I know that without her support and care I would have found the cycle and negative result even more difficult to deal with.

Sorry for the rambling post! (DH is watching footy and I have banned myself from ******** - too many baby pics at the mo - so ff is my new favourite place to be!)

Doris83, perhaps you could post a message in the local area boards to see if any other Warwickshire based people fancied a coffee? You could keep the first meeting completely informal - a coffee and a discussion about the best place to meet next time? Our group meets at our local pub which lets us use a function room, so we can really chat away without worrying about people hearing us discuss injection techniques, sperm quality and periods!

Big hugs to everyone here


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## Cloclo15 (Nov 17, 2011)

Hi Doris,

Not sure whereabouts in Warwickshire you are but the Coventry CRM board has a number of members going through this whole thing who may want to meet up - some of them are in Warwickshire. You could post in the West Midlands area boards or jump onto CRM - no one would mind, though it's a bit quiet at the moment.

I have never joined a support group but I know one exists through the clinic. I have never been one to have really close friends so don't have the issue of wanting/needing support from my more general group of friends - fortunately I have very supportive family who I usually turn to. I am also in the position that two of my circle of friends had to go through fertility treatment for their babies and one is infertile due to cancer. Not only does this mean that they are more aware of the stresses and strains involved, they are able to sympathise with my situation which helps a lot if I ever do feel like discussing it or can't face a social engagement etc

If you don't have that, I think meeting people who are going through the same thing will be really good for you. People who have not gone through this will just never really understand. 

My advice would also be to stay off ******** too - best thing I ever did for my sanity and well being. After a week or two you don't miss it.


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## Doris83 (Jan 28, 2012)

Thanks cloclo, I actually live in coventry and we are at crm so I will definitely look into their support group.


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## MariMar (May 14, 2013)

Hi Doris,

Just a quick message to say you're not alone! There are so many of us, and I've found that the more open I am about it, the more people open up about their own experiences of primary or secondary infertility... It's just such a personal thing, but it comforts me to know that a lot of people are facing similar or different private issues that can make life pretty hard. FF is good for venting and for getting information, and the others had good ideas about joining support groups if you're feeling more social!

Big     to you.


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## sophiekh (Mar 12, 2014)

I totally understand how you feel, I felt so alinated by friends and family during by ttc which breaks my heart.  I would always be the one texting them or arranging meet ups.  Being infertile is so hard and when you feel that you are no longer relevant in people's life it really makes you think! 
Since my ttc journey and marriage has been over, things have got worse, i cant bring myself to talk to friends or family.  
"Get over it" and "it wasnt meant to be" and "why are you wasting your time" are phrasing im sick of hearing.

If you able to find a support group with like minded people it really does help.


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

What i have found difficult is that (in my case) i have two close friends who i always turn to, in good times and bad. Some say 3 is a crowd, but it never felt that way before. Now one friend has a five month old and the other is due to have her baby this month, and i feel they cannot fully empathise with me, and after meeting them both last night i know i will have to put some distance between us because i find being with them too hard. So not only do you realise your world is different from your friend's worlds, you feel a sort of grief of losing them as the friends they were. Then you feel lost because they are the very people you want to turn to, but can't. Ttc with infertility just gets to you on every level!!


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## Egg1234 (May 31, 2013)

I completely understand how you feel. I had one very good friend who I was so close to in my twenties, we started ttc when i was 29. She was always single until i was about 32 and she got pregnant 'by accident' when dating a new boyfriend. They stayed together and now have 2 kids. When i was telling her about all my problems she couldn't understand and continued to talk on and on about her baby. Plus she was told by the doctor that she has PCOS (i seriously doubt this) but this didn't stop her getting pg easily both times. I stopped communicating - it was just too hard. She was a great friend and i miss that friendship still but I feel like there's no way back. We haven't spoken in so long now. I think the only thing to do is to find new friends. Infertility forces us to find a new life and a new way of living.


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi, I see sophiekp mentioned support groups being helpful, are there any sections  or lists on ff about local support groups? I tried looking on the south east section for me but no mention of groups, would this be the right place to post a request?


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## MariMar (May 14, 2013)

Hi All,

Alot: I've been looking for support groups myself, with no luck! It seems like there's one in Fulham (if you live in London), but that's not really close enough for me! Let me know if you find anything!

x


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## LuluLimon (Jan 17, 2014)

Guys have you tried infertility network UK.com? I found a list of support groups on there. Not sure if there is one in your areas.
Also some clinics organise them 
X


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## MariMar (May 14, 2013)

Hoping this will cheer everyone up...


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