# moving on after failed adoption, not IVF



## billy69 (Nov 5, 2007)

Hi,

I haven't posted for a year and a half while we were starting, stopping etc the adoption process. Now DW has called it a day for reasonable reasons. It's particularly difficult because while for her the difficult bit was griving for the birth children, I have come to terms with that but I am still struggling with the grief for the adopted children. So, while we have had some useful counselling (I recommend it, if with specialists of infertility), there is a limit to how much we can support each other, as we don't exactly feel the same way. I am the direct reason why she has no birth children, she is the direct reason why we are abandoning the adoption roote.

I wonder if anybody elkse on this threas is in a similar situation. I feel a lot of empathy with everybody on this 'moving on' board regarding the loss, but the sort of trauma and the explanation is quite different between IVF and adoption. We did not have any IVF treatment, and neither of us has been interested in DI, so we have probably saved each other some stress, but also, we found ourselves in a particularly unusual and lonely situation, with rare support and understanding. We both have very interesting jobs and hobbies, but that just doesn't seem enough.

I'd love to hear from anybody with somehow comparable paths.

B


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## owenl (Mar 29, 2009)

I'm not really in a position to advise, but didn't want to read and run.  My DH and I went down the adoption route several years ago having decided we would rather adopt than go through the whole IVF journey.  Sadly despite being honest about childhood experiences and initially being told it wouldn't be held against us we were later turned down for adption as they felt my DH was too much of a risk.  With no chance of adopting we went down the IVF route which after 2 failed attempts and one miscarriage at 9 weeks we had to accept the end of the road.

Sadly for us IF has drawn a wedge between us and we are now separated with no common interests or goals.  You sound like you have quite a good relationship with your DW and it's good that the counselling has been useful.  Things do get easier whatever the situation, moving on is difficult to accept but even though things haven't worked out for me and DH I know that there is a life out there for me somewhere - I'm sure you and your DW will sort things out, you really sound strong.


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## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Hi Billy,

I just could not read your post and move on; I cannot comment on your and DW's experience, but want to send you love and best wishes....  

Karen 
x


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