# How infertility changes you so much :(



## empty dreams (Jun 20, 2014)

I feel like  iv been hijacked by a life that was never intended for me , iv been ttc for 4 yrs now failed ivf 3 times and honestly feel that iv completely changed as a person  I'm surrounded by pregnant friends and I'm beginning to think that my grief effectively results in me alienating myself totally , the guilt jealousy pain and misery seems to consume me lately and I'm beginning to hate almost everyone , I really don't want to live this way but I can't control my thoughts or emotions  anyone feeling similar ??


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

I hope you don't mind me posting as I have children. However I wanted to gice you a big hug and say you are not alone. And even if you achieve the dream, you still are changed. There is a distance between yourself and others of experiences and pain they will never know.

so you are not alone.

I will leave it to others to advise how best to deal with the pain, but I will say this ( learnt in the 7 years of ttc it took me in which I had 4 failed ivf cycles and numerous other cycles cancelled at the start as lining too thick ).

  Take care of yourself , be kind to yourself. Accept that friendships are going to change and those whose life has taken a different path may no longer be the ones you have things in common with.  Try and find new friends. Accept some things will cause pain eg baby showers. I just didn't go. Your dp may be different but mine just didn't get it at all . Why there was so much pain for me in others pregnancies etc ( there still is ). I found I had to look for other sources of support as he just couldn't deal. Ff, acupuncture ( she is as much therapist as acupuncturist )

Anyway, good luck with your future.


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## empty dreams (Jun 20, 2014)

Thank you so much for your reply , it makes so much sense that even if the dream came through that the pain we endure probably has changed us in an irreversible way  im really glad you have children now xxx 
Yeah everything you say is so right maybe its how much we beat ourselves up over things that only adds to our stress , I really think only other women that have gone through this pain understand  boyfriends and husbands and family try I know but they really can't comprehend it , if a physical child dies time to grieve is given, understanding is given however we are just expected to endure monthly grief , raw fresh grief each period on top of our already broken hearts and be all ok and put a big smile on  thanks for understanding though it means a lot xx


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## BUFFYBOXER (Dec 14, 2007)

Hi ED yes the way we feel in this journey is awful and I think 'normal' when I was ttc I hated all pg women and no I wasn't happy for any of them!i didn't know most of them but the jealousy was awful people even thought it would be nice to show there family's scans ect ! It was like someone ripping out my heart each time even though they knew about all the treatment and years id been trying. But I think this all helped me to get back up and try again I was not goin to stop! We re mortgaged got loans which we will be payin off in 50 years but I just didn't care how I was goin to get a baby I just new I had to fortunately we did and I really do wish the same for you, try not to be to hard on yourself give yourself time but get right back up and try again as it is a numbers game I really think sending you lots of hugs and happiness xx


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## empty dreams (Jun 20, 2014)

Thanks Bb its reassuring to hear that you felt the same , jealousy is horrible but as you said its so natural , I work with a very close friend whos now pregnant on her 3rd and I suppose im at my lowest and rawest now as I cant hide from this like I do to any other pregnancy I encounter , facing watching her day in day out 8 hrs a day is totally panicking me   I totally delete pregnancy as much as I can from my life but only option here wud b to put up with it or leave work with id love to do but we all have bills to pay haha !! Its awkward for everyone in work then as they know bits of my journey and the crying in work has already begun and shes only 7 weeks !! Why she had to tell me so early I just don't know  thanks for ur honesty  and im very happy for you that your dream came true xxxxx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi lovely
I am in a similar position - ttc for over 4 years with 2 failed icsi's.
I would say I am in the acceptance phase now and I promise you that you will get there too. There will come a time when seeing pregnant ladies and babies no longer stings in the same way as your journey takes a different path. 
Having said that I haven't yet had to face a pregnant colleague day after day, and I'm not sure how I would be with that. I am a teacher, so luckily I guess I would be be able to hide in my classroom! I did lose my best friend a couple of years ago when she got pregnant and our second had failed- I had asked for space and things never recovered. I am still grieving that loss on top of everything. 
It has taken me a long time to get to this space- I went to a bereavement counsellor, I joined 'gateway women' to meet others and read a bunch of books. I would say that I still feel the pain everyday and it certainly has taken the shine off my life, but I am able to live in the moment now - every week/ day I do something for me - sometimes it feels futile, sometimes it feels luxurious when I compare myself to friends with lots of kids. Anyway, I ramble, but my main message is  that there our thousands of ppl in our position but it sadly is not spoken about much in the media or even on the web.
Even on the 'moving on' section here- I think others really struggle to accept that failure is a very likely outcome. Xx be kind to yourself, accept that this is a major life event and just take 1 step a day x Kate


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## empty dreams (Jun 20, 2014)

Hi Kate  
Thanks for your reply I do feel your situation is quite similar to mine, I'm really sorry to hear your friendship fell apart too but I can totally see why , we do badly need space from pregnancy and friends can take this so personally that it can be impossible to recover the original friendship, our partners try their best to understand but sometimes you need your best friend to just cry your eyes out too I wonder is it a protection thing pregnant woman do to not want to understand infertility as I suppose its every woman for themselves in the end and you know when ur so happy sometimes the sadness of others might not fit in their plan, its really a cruel world. Its really great you are trying to reach an acceptance balance and very proactive  Being a teacher must be difficult though too but wonderful in a way too as you get to interact with children, I hope each day gets better for you and I totally agree with the doing things for yourself suggestion there really does need to be some merits to not being a mom and it certainly helps if their luxurious haha !!! Your so right about media etc too its really a taboo subject which only hurts more 
Thanks so much Kate ur post has given me a little boost ,
Wishing you all the best,
Maria xx


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## aqua2011 (Feb 16, 2011)

Hi ladies,

I read your posts and felt like I \was reading my own story. Broken friendships and tears in eyes when I see a pregnant woman. I can't stop my tears every time I see a pregnant woman. I hate myself and the way I feel. 

"What deep wounds ever closed without a scar?" Lord Byron
No matter what's the out come of our infertility,  we'll carry something in our heart which will effect our life for the rest of life.

Huge huge hugs to everyone of you.  XX
Aqua


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## empty dreams (Jun 20, 2014)

Hi Aqua 
Im sorry to hear about your heart break too  it really is such a deep open wound , your not alone though which it certainly does feel like at times , I think we navigate a world full of bumps, buggies and babies and its so hard to hold the tears back at times, maybe in a way we are all helping each other because even in the few days iv joined this group I don't feel as lonely and alienated as I did , you can have a great life and then boom this takes over and changes every bit of you forever , I hope someday people no longer have to suffer this torment  
Best wishes
Maria xx


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi Maria
Glad to give a little boost. U r right about the teacher thing- at first I thought I would have to change my career but actually now I am ok- it's nice to have some influence and legacy. I think a lot about living a meaningful life now - like I need that pressure too !  
Hmmm,- one of my friends has just txt that I haven't heard from in a while. I know she is 'trying' and can't help wondering.... Have ignored the text for now, perhaps I am not quite in the acceptance phase as I thought !! K


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## empty dreams (Jun 20, 2014)

Haha we just love heaping pressure on ourselves !! I know what u mean by pondering on the text , before getting texts and meeting friends was always a positive but lately I'm beginning to fear their agendas, I met a really good friend for dinner Thursday night and she showed me her scan pic literally out if the blue ! Shes not even maternal really ! Another friend text me to call and see my new rescue dog which did set off alarms as she doesn't like dogs haha and she dropped the "oh iv news" bombshell too so our hesitance is very deserved. Maybe all of this makes us stronger in a way who knows really !!
Maria


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