# Not coping - would appreciate some advice



## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Last week I was put on the waiting list for lap & dye to investigate why I am not getting pregnant. Since then I've almost fallen apart. If I'm honest I've been gradually getting more and more desperate about our situation for the last six months but could keep it all in perspective. I thought I would be feeling so positive once we had our meeting with a consultant but I've just lost it.

All last week I was either in tears, not just a few silent tears, full on sobbing, unable to breathe, feeling sick crying or I was being nasty to my husband or surfing the net trying to decide myself what is wrong with me. 

I'm surrounded by pregnancies at the moment and my mum told me this afternoon that a girl I was best friends with at primary is now pregnant. I just completely fell apart. I don't know what to do or how to cope, I'm so tired and I'm starting to feel ill. Has anyone got any coping strategies/had to pull themselves out of this frame of mind? I don't know what to do, I feel completely empty


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Apologies if this is in the wrong place - I'm new so still trying to find my way around


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## Bluebell44 (Jul 2, 2011)

You have come to the right place the support on here from all the other ladies will give you the confidence and determination to get your miracle and we have a few smiles along the way. It is completely normal to feel this way    Do you know how long the waiting list is? You will find once you start the tests you will feel much better. I have just completed my first IVF and luckily I am 6 weeks pregnant but there's still lots of milestones to go yet. I am 38 and had been trying for 3.5yrs and refused for all that time to face the reality that I couldn't get pregnant and some help was needed. I was too scared even to go to the doctor and hadn't had a smear test even in 15 years. All our friends that we'd attended wedding with etc were getting pregnant, having babies and it got that it was just too upsetting to see them anymore. I felt like some kind of freak and felt resentful of every pregnant person and hated myself for feeling this way. 

I promise you once you start testing and get some results and have a plan of action and feel as though you are doing something you will feel better. There are lots of reasons why you might not be pregnant or it could just be unexplained. the good news is you are doing somehting now when you are still young and if you do need treatment you should hopefully get some NHS funding. i left it too late and we have had to pay. Also due to your age you are in a good position as should still have good eggs and most likely lots of them. 

Good luck for your journey keep in touch with this site, try not to push your DH away but support each other and if you have any questions any time just ask.


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Thanks for your message Bluebell. I know I need to keep the positives in my mind and keep it all in perspective. I'm really hoping that the Lap will show us something fixable, just finding it so hard and I think I've just worn myself down so much I'm in a vicious circle. 

As you say we are youngish so we hopefully will have lots of options. Congratulations on your BFP!  Hope your scan goes well


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Raspberrytipple

Welcome hunnie 
How you're feeling is completely normal, as your feelings aren't being helped by being surrounded by pregnancies, I suppose every one of us have felt like this at some point.

But you've taken the first steps, and I'm a firm believer that you have to look for each and every positive, no matter how big or small it is.
Bluebell is spot on - once you begin undergoing tests, you'll begin to feel a little bit better that you're doing something to maximise your chances of success.  You need to rule out or identify any issues, but even if something comes up which causes concerns, honestly hun, fertility clinics can cope with anything.

We're here for you any time for any advice and support we can offer on your journey to parenthood.

Best wishes
Keep us posted - and we're here anytime for any queries or questions you may have along the way 

Sheila


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

iI can only ecoh what the others have said, you have taken the first steps in the right direction, just see every appointment/test as a step closer to achieving your dream! 


Everything you are feeling is completely normal, but it does help haing people to talk to who understand ur emotions. which is why this site is fab.


Has ur dh had any tests done? have u had any blood tests? xx


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Thanks ladies, it really helps to know that I'm not just being an over emotional wreck for no reason which is kind of how I feel at the moment.  If I'm honest I hate how I feel as I'm judging people who are pregnant against myself i.e. why the hell are they pregnant, I deserve more than them and that is not who I am, I am not that sort of person.

Bluebell I'm not sure on waiting lists around here but I'm told that the Lap & Dye will be before the end of April as we were referred before Christmas and the NHS has to hit the 18 week target line or they get fined.

I've had some initial blood tests done i.e diabetes, thyroid etc which came back fine. They did a CA125 test which came back high and the GP wasn't sure why but given its use of monitoring for tumours/ovarian cancer etc he asked for our consultant appointment to be brought forward by 5 weeks so we saw him Friday before last.  I had a few other bloods taken there when I was on day 6 of my cycle while we were at the hospital and I have to have a progesterone test again on 20th Feb for day 24 of my cycle.  I had the dildo cam scan and my ovaries looked fine he said and he could see follicles.  He said everything looked as he would expect. He has said that he expects to see Endo or fibroids during the lap as that is what the lower score CA125 results would indicate rather than anything more serious and he talked through how they would get rid of anything bad that they found.  We didn't talk about anything more detailed than that, apparently I will have an appointment with him before the op.  

I just feel so frustrated that something that comes so easily and quickly to others just isn't going to happen for us.  DH has been tested a few months ago and we found out last week that his results were as the consultant put it 'not too bad at all, just a shade below normal' i.e. they were a few % below normal so we are taking a few steps to get those improved i.e. I've ordered a mega batch of Wellman vitamins and hes cut down on the daily hot baths/laptop on lap kind of stuff and he's now eating nuts and seeds daily too   Bless him, he's very skeptical about it all but is quietly doing as he's asked to try and stop me crying!  He did get a bit cross when I fell apart earlier because as he rightly said, I can't fall apart every time I hear someone is pregnant.  

I'm just so jealous and desperate, it's really honestly consuming my life at the moment, every spare second I have I'm on the internet looking up various old wives tales of ways to make you more fertile, writing on forums seeking out new ideas, things that could be wrong, I'm just obsessed and to be honest I'm exhausted.  The bags under my eyes are so bad from crying they actually hurt.  I'd take some time off work but I'll only be sat at home obsessing, at least if I'm there I have to keep my game face on for a few hrs either side of lunch time.

DH suggested going to the doctor to ask about counselling.  Has anyone here ever done that?  I don't know whether it would help or not?


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

you can always try councilling, if u want to.


I have heard people try accupuncture, reflexology, reiki to help relax.


I have also read a few ladies have got pg after a lap and dye as it flushes everything out. 


Just do what u feel is right hun, its what ever can help u feel better. 


IF doesn't make us rational and it doesn't help when close friends/family fall pg,  but u just some how learn to deal with it as best u can, until you have a bad day where it all just hits u again. 


U need to have hope and patiance to keep u going, and support, and a lovely dh helps too. 


xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Spot on Hoping .... the wheels turn ever so painfully slowly on the nhs.... it's when you hit that stage of desperation you want everything NOW.

Counselling may help you - its worth a try - but the ladies here know exactly what you're going through and you can get all your emotions off your chest...

you're doing everything you can to maximise your chances.
Best wishes
Sheila


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Well, hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow feeling more positive. I've not really stopped crying since seeing my mum earlier today. I feel so sad.


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Raspberry- big  I had some bad times before my last tx, friends having babies etc and I didn't want to see or hold any of my friends children because I thought I may never have my own, it really was an awful time. 


Pg's/arkward questions like "when are u having children?" can knock u off ur feet, but please don't keep it all in, tell us here on FF and we will support u.


I am waiting to start my 2nd tx-hopefully egg sharing, as our 1st cycle didn't work.


I do get a little anxious, and it has taken me a year to want to start again, but we do find the strength from somewhere.


Don't feel alone hun, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.


Why don't u call ur GP or the specialist to chase up ur referal for ur lap n dye? If u have a date to count down to u may feel better?xx


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

I've felt a bit better today, I've had one little cry but think that will be it for today hopefully.  Have spent a bit of time reading some 'coping with infertility' articles which has helped to calm me down a bit.  I think the biggest thing at the moment is that I've just realised how scared I am that this may not actually happen and as a result lost all perspective on where we actually are at this point in time which in reality, where we are is at the starting gate of a slightly different race than we were hoping to participate in.  It wont be a natural conception but that doesn't mean we wont get a baby at the end.  

You are right Hoping the questions about 'when are you going to have a baby' questions and how I was going to cope with answering them over the next few months has really been worrying me.  When it's been asked I've had a real embarrassing wobble and tried to change the subject.  For now though I think I am going to go with the 'well, I have to have an operation for Endo and until I've recovered from that thinking about having children is not a good idea' line for now.  That way I'll get some sympathy for the operation and people might have the gumption to think there may be something not 100% right and wont ask again.  I've also decided that even though in theory I'll only need a few days to recover from the op I am going to take the whole of the following week off, I think I'll probably be quite fragile and need some space emotionally to recover.

I'm going to look into some relaxation/meditation techniques too so will have a look at those tonight.  I did wonder about getting a diary and writing in that every day.  Not to show anyone, just to use as an outlet when I need it. does anyone else do that?


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Raspberrytipple you're doing all the right things hun, I kept a diary whilst I went through fertility treatment, and had regular Reiki sessions.

I wouldn't worry too much about your age, I didn't go through my first treatment until I was 39 - my daughters official due date was the day before my 40th!  
Just glad that you're having a better day today - but anytime you want to let off steam we're here for you,
best wishes
Sheila


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## wehavethreecats (Feb 12, 2012)

Hey RaspberryTipple
Keeping a diary sounds like a good place to vent. 
I had massages on the run up to my 1st cycle of ivf - not because i thought it would help the outcome as such, but that i wanted my body to feel more like we were on the same side, and i wanted it to have some good stuff happen to it as well as all the invasive stuff in the hospital.
Someone suggested to us how to handle people asking about 'when will you two start a family' - just tell them you are practicing; practice makes perfect  (we hope!)

x

age: 37 (and three quarters)

TTC: 4.5 years
awaiting 2nd cycle of ivf before donor eggs


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

ohhh practice!  I like that one, thank you both, for your messages.  I think I will get a diary tomorrow and start writing my little heart out.  Hopefully it'll be therapeutic.  I might look into a massage too, I've had a sports massage before now and that wasn't particularly relaxing but good all the same 

Anyway - another week closer to the lap now so hopefully will have some answers soon.


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

There is a diary bit in here, I had one for my last tx and I have started one for our next tx, people can read them but no one knows who u really are, so although its personal its also annoymous. its helped me keep dates etc.


But if u would rather do a private one, I can only say it does help get it all off ur chest.




And ur right, u may not have a natural conception but it doesn't mean u can't have ur baby. Your child how ever he/she is made will be the greatest gift, which u will cherish. I can't wait to experiance sleepless nights to wake up and see my baby, I think IF can make u truely appreciate everything that most people take for granted.


You will get there hun, and everything u feel is completely normal... xx


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## Petunia (Jun 19, 2008)

Honey, I could almost have written your post a couple of years ago, I went through a lot of similar emotions, and if I'm honest, I still do. 


4 years ago I was diagnosed POF, it came out of the blue as the dr thought it was going to be PCOS. Massive shock and broke my heart. As you probably found out already, doctors arent always the best at emotional support. I was refered for counselling at the time, but it took 18 months for an appointment, and I didnt go. I have actually been refered again now as I have IVF coming up and I'm not coping. I hope it does help, so on that basis, I would say go for it.


I have spent the last 4 years avoiding pregnant people, deleting them off ********, my phone and my life. I still cant bear to be around pregnant people or babies, and I actually worry that I will feel like that even 'when' I get pregnant. I have a SiL who is due any day now, and I cry if I have to be in the same room as her (its her 5th and shes having it to get a bigger council house, grrr) I'm so sick of trying to be strong, all I actually want to do is cry. 


Dont feel bad for being upset, life with IF is hard enough without beating yourself up. Get some help if its offered, I wish I had, maybe I wouldnt be so bitter now.


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## 2ndtimeround (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh my gosh feeling the same. I'm absolutly shattered with all this emotion weighing down on me. Had big arguments with DH last week, think i'm starting to lose the plot a little bit, and whenever i hear of anyone else pregnant (two more announcements on ** this evening!!) i just struggle to cope and cry about every little things. (which I think think maybe it's a xign i'm pregnant so get my hopes up then i'm not so go even further downwards!). keeping a diary is a good idea. Trying to do some relaxing things like time to myself. Everyone asking when we're going to have the next baby (got a DS aged 3) and I just keep saying that we're practicing or when we feel like it. Have started telling a few people closer to me now that we've been TTC for over a year and found a few problems so at least have a bit of a support but don't want the whole world knowing.

Sounds like you're doing everything right and opening up on here is sure to help.


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Well, I've had a couple more comments at work today but they weren't directed at me, they were just general chit chat about children amongst girls who probably have the common sense to work out that not all is well in the land of making babies in the tipple household.  Either way I excused myself politely.  I am feeling a little better, I've been on a few websites which talk about coping with TTC and also some with people who had decided to live child free.  I know we are way off that at the moment but it did help me get everything in perspective and at the moment, I feel a bit stronger.  

I think I will go with a paper diary.  The thing with typing is you can change it as you go along whereas writing it down on paper kinda makes it feel more real and what I actually mean if that makes sense.  I find it more therapeutic anyway.  Struggling to find anything to listen to for relaxation though and not sure when will get a chance to relax anyway!


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## ddoubleyou (Nov 13, 2011)

Hi Raspberrytipple, so sorry to jump onto your post just wanted to offer you some support really, im not sure how much of my story will be relevant to yours but here goes(my first post on here) so forgive me for not using abbreviations etc.
I am already fortunate enough to have 2 beautiful girls and 31/2 years ago we idecided to try for one more baby before my body would no longer let me due to age(im 39 now) and my partner was 48 at the time. So after having my coil removed we set aout trying and after 6months of no success i contacted my G.p who then referred us to our local fertility consultant.
Following numerous tests it resulted in myself not ovulating, blocked fallopian tubes(however he still gave me clomid) to try for 5 months which did result in me ovulating but due to side affects i had to stop taking them, poor sperm quality so really all odds stacked against us.
Unable to afford ivf we carried on with our lives with no contraception used and after 18months i couldnt blieve it when i fell pregnant!
This elation was short lived unfortunately as my partner now wanted me to terminate! deciding he was now too old to have any further children:0 needless to say i didnt however my pregnancy was high risk and sadly i lost my little boy at 28weeks in October 2009.
Getting so far into my pregnancy and having no baby to show at the end just made me even more desperate to fall pregnant again as soon as possible. 
Things unfortunately were to get worse still as my now ex partner went onto to tell me he went and had a vasectomy without feeling the need to discuss it with me first(talk about kicking somebody while they are down) after endless amounts of crying i decided i had to leave him as to save my sanity and also the fact that if i did want to try and have more children i would have that option available to me not one made for me!
Ive cut a very long story short but that was just over 2 years ago now and with a lot of help including counselling i am now in a place i am happy with and in an ideal world i would love to have another baby but im alone and getting no younger and in some way think i have convinced myself my baby days are behind me although i could not have even let that thought to cross my mind in the early days.
Like other members have said you are still on the younger side(not what you need to hear i know) and things can happen against all the odds hun so pease dnt ever give up hope. Hope all that made some sort of sense?
If you ever need to talk im always here, take care.


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## keephopestrong (Feb 9, 2012)

Oh how I echo those feelings and have had this for 19 years!  I have fallen pregnant twice.  One with a donor the other with my husband 4 year's ago, but in both cases, nothing came to fruition.

I said recently to someone that I am tired of going out just to the post office and seeing an expectant mum. The response was: that is because you are keenly aware of it and therefore, zero in on them, which is horribly true.

Last year, I was actually coming to the point of accepting our status and then something happened that made me truly believe I was pregnant, then had a scan to prove nothing of the sort and that nearly threw me overboard!  Then I find out that someone I have known for years, is once again pregnant with her second child after 12 years and honestly, they could have stuck a knife in my heart!

I am often criticized for not feeling happy for those who are blessed.  Some say that perhaps it is not for you?  I was asked recently surely you don't with baroness to be on every one and my answer was and still is: I am sick and tired of total tactless remarks that it makes me want them to suffer, to know what it feels like and of course, I was condemned for saying such a thing.  Then it was thrown at me: I know a woman who has had 5 miscarriages but she is loving to those who are successful and so I said: well bravo her.  But we are all different and I was born with a horrible jealous streak that I have to fight every day, so is it any nicer to push that in my face? The answer was: that is true, it is not nice.

My husband was diagnosed non obstructive  19 year's ago and just this Monday plucked up the courage to have another test and the results come in today.  I am not hopeful.

I am not coping very well either and that is frightening.  It makes it worse that I live in a very fertile country, ie France and everything is geared to the expectant mum.  I cannot get away from it!  And even more soul destroying is the sheer lack of tact!  People seem to think that just because you struggle, you should just act normally.  I dread newly married couples, because inevitably a pregnancy will occur.

What I hate most, is feeling like I am going to faint out of sheer mental anguish when I hear that once again, another pregnancy!!

I guess we have to find the peace in our hearts.  There are tons of advice that can be given, but we have to find it in ourselves that peace of mind and I admit, that I am still not there.

It is all so grossly wrong.

Suzanne


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

I can totally relate to what you are saying Suzanne, I feel quite bitter and judgmental towards people now but I do try to keep a lid on it as much as I can.  As someone said earlier in the thread, its better to keep that emotional energy for other things.

Thank you to everyone who has responded.  I am feeling a lot better the last few days and feel more in control of everything.  It's so sad that so many people have to go through this, it's just such a shame that IF still seems to be so taboo, I always think twice about telling people or what I tell them and I don't logically understand why I should.  I don't believe that telling people will jinx it or anything like that but I think I just don't want to have the uncomfortable conversation or the tactless remarks from people who don't understand and don't really give a toss.

Anyway, half way through another week, am hoping to get my operation date soon, by the end of the month anyway.


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## Scorpio25 (Jan 5, 2012)

Hi there

Have just read your post and can entirely relate. I had a lap and dye done last month and can honestly say i've never been more petrified in my life. It wasnt the actual op that scared me, it was hearing the results. Luckily the results weren't too bad in the end but i was like you-crying all the time and having panic attacks. Had to be signed off work the week before the op because i couldnt cope. I think keeping a diary is a good idea to outlet your thoughts. Counselling would also be a great thing to try. I have been struggling to pull myself out of depression since Sept when all the testing started. Unfortuantely i cant go on antidepressants because it can harm the baby if we ever conceive. I found that looking on the net is the worst thing i could have done because you search up on one thing and come across something else, and then convince yourself that you might have that-the worrying then escalates tremendously! Going on these sites can help sometimes but be careful you dont overdo it when your in a vulnerable state. Who ever said trying for a baby was fun hey?! Feel free to message me if you need to chat. x


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