# Single, 43 and overwhelmed. Need support.



## Cricket2021 (Oct 7, 2021)

Hi everybody

..cross posted in the over 40s forum too!

Any other single 40-somethings here? I'm feeling very alone and very overwhelmed.

I thought that I was going to meet the right guy to start a family with. I only started letting that dream go after my 43rd birthday earlier this year and began thinking about whether or not to have kids alone.

And then in August (43.5!) I looked up the stats for my age and got some bloods done. And it was devastating. Super low AMH (1.8 pmol). No time left. And probably chromosomally abnormal eggs (who knew that that happens in your 40s??! Not me! Why didn't my Dr tell me when I went in for tests when I was 40?! I feel so stupid about the not knowing.), and who knows what else.

I'm feeling panicked and overwhelmed. I was ambivalent about having kids anyway* but now my choice seems to be either throw everything I have at a chance that is vanishingly small, or giving up, now, on having a kid that is genetically mine, and when I think about that my heart breaks. Everything feels impossible right now.

(*ambivalence.. I'm an artist. It's the only career that has ever given me fulfilment, I'm finally getting established, and I'm not sure how the **** I can keep doing that and raise a kid alone; I'm also in the UK while my whole family is in Canada.. and even then, my parents are both in their 80s and not able to support. I always thought that kids would happen in my life, with a partner, and it's something that I more-than-not-wanted.. but my feelings about it are complicated.)

I've booked in a consult and hysteroscopy at Serum. But everything feels like it's happening too quickly AND I'm so aware of time passing me by.

Also totally freaked out about donor sperm. I'm choosy as hell about the men I date... and here I am, about to pick the father of a potential child based on the barest of all identifying features.

I've got a few supportive friends that I've opened up to about this, but the ones who don't have kids have chosen that and are happy about it, or they're still in their 20s (I'm so jealous of their eggs 😥), and the rest have kids. I feel like the people I'm close to just can't relate.

I've also got an awesome therapist. Who helps me with the chronic anxiety disorders that I've got, on top of everything. Trying to not think too much about how bad stress is for fertility 😱.

I keep waking up with adrenaline thinking about how old I am now. I never felt old until I started looking into all of this. It's so hard.

Anyway.. just really hoping to connect with some other 40+ singles who are as scared or confused as I am.. or who maybe have gone through that and are on the other side?


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

My personal circumstances are slightly different to yours however just wanted to wish u the best of luck.
Moving fowards with any kind of treatment whether single or in a couple can be daunting.

This forum used to be quite active with lots of single ladies having treatment in the UK and abroad. but it seems to have gone quiet on that front. Probably because they're all busy with their little ones now.

In terms of your career thats probably an ideal job to have with a little one. I too work flexibly and in my own time and I find im able to find my work around nap times and bedtime. That way I avoid extortion child care costs. You could also see if you qualify for universal credit as a top up.

You are i good hands with serum. 

K J x


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## Cricket2021 (Oct 7, 2021)

Thanks for the reply KJ. It's so hard, and I feel so so alone in all this. Hopefully there are other singles here somewhere..

Will check out the ** group for serum!


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## singlemamatobe (Jul 26, 2018)

Hi there! I’m on the other side and about to dive in again. I always knew I wanted to have kids and decided to stop waiting for Mr. Right when I was almost 39. Biologically I looked great, had a ton of eggs, and great numbers. It took 4 years and now I am 44 with a 1-year-old and it was worth every second. Every cent. Every tear shed. It’s a tough decision that will be followed by a difficult process if you decide to move forward but you definitely aren’t alone. I’m about to go back for an embryo transfer in January. I am in Canada but cycled in Greece for my successful cycle. Happy to chat if you have questions!


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## PDream1980 (Oct 21, 2021)

Hi There

I am new here too. Infact this is my first post. I am very much in the same space as you. 43 years old , had tests done and scores not as good as yours AMH 0.5 . Pfhhhhhhh . I could have written most of what you wrote. Its shocking isnt it that time creeps by and then you become almost immediately aware of your fertility and the clock ticking , well its probable in my case the tick has tocked! I am going to try modified IVF due to my low numbers . Well having said that i am booked in for a consultation but my head it utterly wrecked with the processing of where i am now in my life and why on earth i didnt understand my own fertility much sooner to then have better chances . Its unbelievably hard to process the thought of leaving it to late and not having what i have wanted all my life just waiting for the right partner and busy with work etc and creating a stable life and when i do , boom, your 43 .

X HUGS


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## Natty09 (Oct 25, 2021)

Hi, I'm in a similar position too. My partner died 2019 and I am now thinking of going it alone. I have lots of regrets that I didn't have a child with him - he always said I should be a mum and I kinda thought I had lots of time - never considered egg quality. I thought when I reach 45 I have to definitely decide - then my partner got leukaemia and died. I wish I had got him to store some sperm for me - it just all happened so quickly.
I'm now 47 so it's my last chance to have a child. I had fertility tests and found a clinic willing to try IVF with own eggs - surprisingly. The whole sperm donor thing does freak me out too and was thinking of co-parenting, but don't know how to find someone suitable. I'm also worried about being alone and whether I can cope and frightened that I might have regrets if I don't and if I do. I don't know what to do.

I wish you all the best with your journey x


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## Cricket2021 (Oct 7, 2021)

Hey Natty. Thanks for your post - I'm always glad to connect with people in a similar situation.

You've had a hell of a ride, eh? Please, please try to not regret the past. You made the choices you made for valid reasons at the time, no matter how it seems now.

For what it's worth, it's amazing that you've found a clinic willing to have you try with your own eggs. I only got closed doors in the UK when I asked, so instead I found a clinic in Greece (Serum IVF) that treats me like a person instead of a statistic. I'm under no illusions and am trying to be both positive and realistic, but I'm really glad to be taking steps now, even if it is pretty late in the day. I've had two rounds so far and no success, but will keep trying for a bit before I'll be able to even start getting my head around donor egg possibilities. I'm grateful that I have that option too, even though I'm not remotely able to think about it yet.

On the sperm donor front, I hear you! I was totally freaked out about it too. Then the clinic gave me a deadline, so I got over it and found one through Eurosperm. I made the choice and got everything shipped within a day.

If you're thinking coparenting, I also found an app that works like Tinder (lol) and will let you swipe and chat with potential donors. It's Just A Baby and you can download it on the app store - it's free. There are also paid websites - CoParents dot com and Modamily and Pollen Tree to name a few. Do your due diligence and ask lots and lots of questions before deciding to go with someone; there are risks. Also.. anyone who tells you that natural insemination (NI) or partial insemination (PI) give better results than artificial insemination (AI) are full of sh*t. Those other terms are shorthand for penetrative sex, and there's no data whatsoever that that is more effective than the turkey baster method.

...you didn't ask for all that extra info but there you go. Let's say I've been on a JOURNEY these past 5 months. 😂

I'm worried about regrets too - regrets either way. It's an extra lonely thing to be doing alone I think, and so much uncertainty financially and support-wise on the other side. For me, I've decided that it's the things I haven't done that I regret most, so I have to try.

Good luck with it. Try to keep positive - it's a courageous thing you're doing, and important that you're taking steps to figure out what's best for you!

I wish you all the best with your journey x


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## braxma14 (May 25, 2011)

I wouldn't necessary think that a clinic that is doing IVF with OE at 47 as a good clinic. They are taking advantage of you, plain and simple. And please don't overestimate the success rate of Donor EGGS. I am 46 and I always got chemicals before and one IVF that worked (barely). 10 years on and I am trying with my frozen everything, PGD ed and very good quality... and nothing so far, I tried twice and not even a chemical...And I had a kid...still nothing, absolutely nothing. IF I were you, I would jump on donor everything yesterday.


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## Natty09 (Oct 25, 2021)

Hi Cricket,
Thank you for your reply. How are you doing? I am so pleased to hear that you have found a really good clinic who treat you well. Your advice about the apps and co-parenting is great, yeah I do need to be diligent as there appear to be lots of guys who basically seem to just want to have sex with someone.

I had all my fertility tests nearly 3 months ago and if I don't make a decision in the next few days I will have to get a new consultation and scans - it worries me that they might change their mind about treating me if I have another consultation. They recommend that if I have IUI then I have to get a HyCoSy test/ scan. Does Serum IVF in Greece have the same kind of rules? 

I hope that all is going well with your journey
and I wish you all the best x


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## Natty09 (Oct 25, 2021)

Hi Braxma,

Thank you for your advice. 
Yeah, I do have to be careful as many clinics just seem to want to take our money. Create have told me that my chances are very slim with my own eggs and that the success rate is much higher with donor eggs. I guess I have to get my head around having donor everything. Time just seems to be slipping away so fast for me and I am finding the decisions so difficult to make.

I wish you all the best with your journey x


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