# Advice pls:Secondary infertility and adoption



## flowerdew (May 2, 2012)

Hi there
So...my husband and I have been having deep
And meaningfuls about adopting a child.
We're now in our second year of secondary infertility. Our DS is 3.5 and I am 37 DH 38.
We have had failed clomid, IUI's,IVF x2 and a few frozen. We are about to embark on another frozen.

Our decision now is when to stop and what to do.
We would like to adopt. 

My question's are :
Is it difficult adopting a new born in England?
What difficulties may arise (contact later in life etc)
How long can it take?
What are the chances after secondary infertility?

Sorry for the rant- we are new to this. Any advice would be wonderful.
Thank you. X


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Most adoption agencies will want you to have at least 6 - 12 months break after your final tx before they will consider you for adoption, this time is to grieve for your unborn children and to get a bit of life back.

Adopting a new born is only going to be achievable by doing concurrent planning where you foster the child with the view to adopting them if the plan is approved in court for adoption.  There is a push on this at the moment with the government thinking this is the best way forward, which in some ways is for the child at least.  By doing this there is still the risk of the child being returned to birth family so its a risk you'd have to weigh up and already having a child will have a huge impact on your decisions and what risks you can take.  While fostering the child there would still be regular contact with birth parents and while you wouldn't need to participate in this, it would mean a stranger (unlikely to be the same person every time) taking them from the house to contact and bringing them back.  There are more babies under the age of 1 being placed now but on average you are looking at 8 months plus.

Contact is generally set as letterbox, once or twice a year, starting after the adoption order is granted.  Direct contact is less usual and, unless adopting older children who have lived with and have a relationship with BPs, not really beneficial to the child.  When they turn 18 they have the right to their file and can ask Post Adoption Support to trace BPs.  Social networks such as ******** have added complications for some people where they have older children and contact has been made unofficially, though what will be around in 10+ years time ......  To avoid, or try to limit, any difficulties later in life it is best to be open and honest with the child about their past without being negative or judgemental about the BPs.  this way the child will know they can come to you, they won't have fantasies about BPs and their questions will generally be answered rather than them being overly curious and wanting information because its not available to them.  At the end of the day if you adopt you will always be the child's Mum, you'll be the one that comforts them when poorly, upset etc, will wipe their nose and cheer them up and you will have years of being that person which can't be replaced.

How long?  How long is a piece of string?  the process is speeding up and approval is supposed to be about 6 months now though personally I think this is the wrong area to speed up.  The child's side and matching should be quicker now and concurrent would be even quicker as far as having a child placed.  However, matching can take a long time simply because it has to be right and when you already have a child to consider it can limit the issues you will take on and what sort of child you are looking for.  

Many people adopt after having a birth child so don't worry about that.  Depending on the agency they will be looking at certain age gaps between your DS and the adopted child, some say 2 years, some say first child  has to be settled at school, though based on your DS's age and where you are with tx I wouldn't image the age gap beign a problem.

Good luck with your FET.

OT x


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## flowerdew (May 2, 2012)

Thank you for your very kind and informative reply it made me cry!

What's wonderful is there is hope. I just don't feel that our family is complete yet.

In terms of questions asked is there any thing that people really worry about? Ie health or drunkenness at Uni etc..we of course would be honest but I wonder what prevents a couple getting through?!

I'm already excited although it won't be for another year til we 100% decide to.
XX


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi flowerdew

Our stories sound very similar.  I have a 5 year old DD and had treatment from when she was 18 months thru to 4 and just could not bare more fails and wasting money and time I felt I should have been spending with her so we started our adoption journey.

It wasnt easy but it has been almost 2 years (22nd Feb 2011) since we sent our application form off to the LA and in 2 days time our new son comes home.  We are very very very fortunate to have been given a 10 month old baby.  The LA said only 0.5% of people get a child under 1.

As OT said the only way to get a newborn is to foster them first and hope and pray that adoption is granted and the birth family do not contest.

A lot of places we looked at would not allow us to foster until our DD was at school age as they said it was too tough on them to understand.  So it would be something you would need to look into.

We had to do extra HS work and meetings to discuss our birth child and the impact on her and we were very heavily restricted on what type of child we could be matched with but it has worked out perfectly for us.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

x


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## flowerdew (May 2, 2012)

Hi
Yes we ARE the same - it's so, so hard when 
you desp want a big family.
2years goodness I'd be almost 41 if we tried in a few years...gulp.
Was there any reason why it took so lon or is that the norm??
Thank you so much X


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

We were told that we have been lucky as it has been pushed through fast ?!?!?!  But having read others diaries on here I know of people going thru in less than a year and the government are pushing to reduce the times

Ive done an adoption diary on here that you may want to have a nose at when you are free as it goes into detail on all the delays and ups and downs.


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