# Oh.....



## Bratt (Sep 21, 2005)

Just when I thought I was managing to convince myself that I am ok with the thought of never being a Mom, that there is more to life than looking after kids, that i can't afford to stay at home and be a Mom anyway.........

Just as we got our BFN last December my revolting little sister in law announced she was pregnant, quite proudly adding now she would get a council flat  ..........

Our gut wrenching disappointment and heartbreak was swept under the carpet with the usual 'it wasn't meant to be' s and ' oh well, IVF never works anyway, I don't know why you got your hopes up' ....
My Mother in Law was even so thick as to show me the little cows scan pictures in January, sacn pictures haunt me, I have been pregnant twice but never far enough to see my babies  

I try so hard not to let other peoples joy and excitement at having a family bother me, why should they understand how I feel? It must be so wonderful to be able to get pregnant, not be forever wondering what your children would have looked like........

So anyway, last night my father in law rings me for a chat, adding at the end that she has to go to the hospital today as the baby is breech and very small, I didn't bother to tell him that the poor baby is small because she does drugs and drinks, as far as him and her mother are concerned the sun shines from her a**, and if they can't turn the baby she will be having a c section today.......  

So yet again, a baby is being born at the same time as one of mine should have been.

I want to find a hole and hide in it, I want to go to bed and never get up again.

Jen
x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Jen

I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Its always so painful when people close to us have babies, and noone understnds if they haven't experienced it themselves. But it must be so much harder when the family concerned are so insensitive about it, and the mother-to-be so unappreciative and casual about the precious gift that she has been given.
I feel for you so much, esp with the scan pictures. I remember a girl i used to work with who was quite a bit younger then me, showing her can pictures all around the office, around the time that DH was diagnosed with IF. She thought she was being discreet but ...nope! We were TTC before she was even married, and it was so painful, and has stayed with me, so i can't imagine how you must feel knowing you been pg but never seen your longed-for babies.

Wish I could say something moe helpful.

  

E xxx


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## Flutterbye™ (Feb 9, 2006)

Jen! im so sorry to hear about all this hunny! 

as you know my sister gave birth yday  and i feel so poopty because of the things shes said, but in a away im glad shes away from that $%$*& she called a bf!

i just want you to know im here for you and ready to listen to give you a big cuddle if you ever need one 

some ppl dont understand some peoples loss thier so far up their own backsides to notice!


Flutts
xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Jen
I am so sorry also about the pain and emotions that you must be feeling it must be overwhelming...
I can understand and empathise that feeling of wanting to go to bed and not wake up.....this also concerns me about you at the moment. It sounds as if you have a good DH and he is your best friend so i know you must be sharing things with him (i hope so). 
Because of your loss Jen have you thought about seeking further help. I apprieciate that it is not for everyone but by talking to a counsellor you will gain rather than lose...
Jen you have also said that you have lost two babies that in itself is a huge loss in itself. Then with the added grief on top of that by trying to come to terms with life without children is 'another loss'...
So Jen you have lots of grief and emotions going on at the moment and i am sure you feel absolutely devastated....and unsure where to turn....?
As Ermey said it doesn't help that you have such an insensitive family that do not care about you and your DH feelings....maybe its time you stepped back from looking after their feelings and trying to put on a brave face....and think of both of you!!!!
I am sorry people like that never change they are born selfish and you can bang your head against the wall hoping for them to change but it never happens. Just because they are in our families it doesn't mean that we have to put up with it??...Maybe its about coping strategies for you and your DH to find ways to protect yourselves and your painful feelings...
I hope this doesn't sound like its a little pushey...it really pains me to read these sorts of posts and i feel like shouting at everyone and saying 'can't you see that they are already going through so much'...
Jen it is about you and your DH 'NOW'. Its about a turning pount where maybe you just need that added support from outsiders...
As far as your SIL is concerned maybe it would be best that your DH takes the phone calls at the moment. Do not feel pressurised into visiting and find away that you both have a plan so that you feel comfortable with it....
Keep in there you already have a strength of character to get this far....
lots of love astridxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry.

This is the worst place ever to be in.  I felt like this last year after my m/c.  I just wanted to "disappear" too and ended up in a depression, not wanting to go out, or speak to anyone for weeks.  It's so hard to pull yourself back up.  Huni, try hard.  Once you get into that slippery slope it can easily get worse and just eat away at you until it destroys you completely.  Try hard to find some strength here for your own sanity.

I never thought i'd get over it ........ My mum would say it will just take time.  I didnt believe her.  But a year later, (although I still get awful, bad horrible days) I feel I am coping a bit better so I hope that gives you a bit of hope.

I think the worst thing in all this is that other people don't understand.  they just dont get it.  Its so like rubbing salt into the wound when insensitive people shove scan pics/baby photos in your face.  I have been so sick of this over the years that now, I have finally found the strength just to pass them onto the next person.  I dont say anything, I just pass them on.  I think, "If they've got the adassity to be so insensitive, then I've got the adassity not to have to explain myself..."  

I also had an e-mail from a collegue telling me she was pregnant ........ I didnt reply.  Maybe you could try this strategy?  Just ignore!  It can make you feel like you are taking control.  God knows we have no control over anything in this situation.  If people get offended, its their problem.  They dont understand and I feel if they don't even TRY to understand, they're just not worth it.

You mentioned you try hard not to let other peoples joy and excitement bother you.  Personally, I think this is impossible.  Try not to put too much pressure on yourself.  It's not that you wouldn't wish children on your friends/family ... it's just that it reminds you so much of your own loss.  You're only human huni.  

I really hope you "find your way" very soon pet.  Try not to let it beat you.  We're all here for you.
Take care
Love Gill xo


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