# Need Advice Please



## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Hi everyone,

As per usual I have got myself in a situation where I'm trying to please everyone , here's the reason
At my wee sis yesterday visiting my new nephew my mother ( I say mother instead of mum when she upsets me) was there and the topic of christmas day has come up, we have to have it at my mothers but what they didnt tell me was my sis pervy father in law has been invited. My mother has done this only so that her daughter is there with the wee man . Before anyone thinks I'm really selfish and cant share the joy of xmas with a stranger its not that the reason I don't want to be there is
1  Her father in law likes looking down females tops as wee sis told my hubby this man was doin this at her wedding to me and others,
now my hubby is uncomfortable with him. He also loves a good drink and lost his licence cause of it, and I can't handle a drunk.
2  The meal and day has been arranged around nephews feeds etc (which i understand ) it just feels as if the whole day has been arranged to please wee sis which pleases mother.
3  I have never told my family how much I am struggling with xmas not bein a mother and seeing my two sisters and their happy families is goin to be a struggle
4  There will now be 12 for dinner and my mother cant cope , 
5  I think there is too many people about and we will need to be hushing so not to disturb baby
And to top everything off my big sis was told of the plans before me (I only found out by accident) and she thinks it will be fine and i'm left feeling like the bad one.
Hubby has come up with a plan to tell mother that this has been a bad year for us and we want to spend it ourselfs, but I know they wont understand or wont want to and cause Im spoiling plans we will be the bad ones. WHAT WOULD YOU DO HONESTLY if you were in the same situation. Do I finally do what I want to do or because its xmas do i go with a smile on my face and get on with it.HELP
Love from Suxx


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## Liliaicha (Feb 22, 2004)

Honestly?!?

I would tell them that I wanted to be on my own with just my DP at Christmas, and if they don't understand or don't want to understand, then tough! If they think you are 'spoiling plans', then tough again. All of us who have fertility problems have had our life plans spoiled!

Obviously I realise that this is easier said then done! I'm battling with my DP at the moment over our Christmas plans. The problem is I have never liked Christmas and am a real bah humbug type of person, but that all stems back to my childhood with divorced parents, and being shoved from pillar to post and always doing 'other peoples' Christmases!! Anyway, I always thought that once I had my own child, I would be able to do my own Christmas, in my own way and with my own traditions, but sadly this is not to be, which makes me dislike Christmas even more.

DP wants us to go out with his parents to a restaurant, but I just can't bear the thought of sitting there with all the other 'happy' families with all their children. 
I would just be thinking to myself _'how sad that I'm nearly 40, and having Christmas lunch with my mother and father-in-law, and DP, just the 4 of us, no children at all.'_
After all, everybody always says Christmas is for children - what do we do

Sorry for rambling with my own story, families sometimes try to make us feel bad if we don't do what they want but sometimes we just need to protect ourselves, and Christmas is an especially hard time for a lot of us.

Hope you find a solution, take care

L x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Christmas is such a difficult time, best to do what makes you and DH happy. We often spend Christmas on our own but we don't get any problems if we do that. They will probably only be annoyed cause it will mean they have to do all the work. Maybe you could tell them that unbeknown to you, your DH had booked a surprise trip away so you can't make it. Then either actually go away or hide heheheh at least you will have a good excuse for not answering the phone. xx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Su ..   I am in the same situation really and if my partner was still alive I would def stay at home with him this year it is perfectly understandable a couple wanting a quiet christmas on their own and you should do what makes you happy hun x

Cat x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Su honey

For many years I spent Christmas running around between my family and DH's mother and father who split up many years ago, which meant we had a lot of running around to do between 3 houses, then the dreaded family party on christmas evening. We used to end up exhausted and the only sober ones left as we were driving everywhere (well DH was driving, I didn't want to drink without him coz I didn't think it was fair) then I would be back to work the day after boxing day and that was yet another christmas spent pleasing everyone else and shattered!

Now we see his mum briefly on christmas day for an hour, we see his dad on boxing day for the evening (torture, but its only once a year and we always manage to get away at a decent time) and do our own thing for the rest of the time.

This year I have invited friends over for dinner, that way MIL can't insist we go to theirs for dinner - so glad we aren't going as the atmosphere is awful with BIL and FIL not speaking to each other etc. Is it possible for you to do something similar with friends - or if not just tell your mum you can't make it as hubby has planned something for you?

I used to think christmas is for kids but over the years I have realised that christmas is time for me to have a well earned break from work, and that myself and hubby have made our own traditions based on us and turned christmas into our own time to do our own thing, with people we choose to be with. I find christmas hard because I lost a baby 2 weeks before christmas 4 years ago, and both my parents are deceased. Thats why I make sure we have a lovely time all on our own doing our own thing. We are all entitled to do things our own way for christmas, no matter what anyone else says, does or thinks and without them giving us a guilt trip for it.

So - stuff those who try and force us into doing things and being places we would rather not be! We should make christmas our very own and not be bulldozed into doing things we would rather not do. Just because you have been invited to your folks Su doesn't mean you have to go. The day will still carry on regardless... and if you mum has taken on too much inviting so many people then surely it will ease the burden on her if there are 2 people less? She has your sisters to help out, no? 

Sorry for going on, its not fair that others can make you feel guilty about not partaking in their plans when we all have lives of our own!

Love
Emcee xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Cat   a special hug for you honey, I know christmas can bring up all sorts of stuff when we have those whom we love that have passed away.

Tons of love
Emcee xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Su,
For many years now dh and I just please ourselves. My sis has five kids and we have felt it a bit too much (especially when they were very small). So my mum goes to hers and we often end up going away on our own (that is really great, I can tell you). But we have always been able to do this without causing too much fuss in the family. I know that families can put the old emotional pressure on. Maybe you could compromise by saying that you will drop by later in the day (?) 
You must do what makes you happy.
Bernie xxx


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## bell (May 17, 2005)

Hi everyone

l am going to be honest and say i would do what you want to do, we always have this at xmas with dh family for the last 3 xmas we have had a bad time, 1st dh farther passed away 2nd xmas we lost our little one and 3rd xmas we lost our little one, at the same time we have had the mother in law for xmas, dh sister has never had her mother for xmas ,l said to the dh that this year we are going away on holiday so we are on our own to deal with our heartache and try to move on together, we thought that dh sister would have mother for xmas for the 1st time, guess what no she isnt and dh mother is on the phone saying that she will be on her own and keeps asking questions about our holiday to make dh feel really bad and its working, l have said that its our time to heal together and she will have to deal with it just for once and said not to feel guilty, as if anyone should it should be his sister, and the mother-in-law hates me for not providing her with a grandchild,

so my advise is do what you want to do, its your life and your living it for you and your dp nobody else, tell them that you need time together and there are loads of other xmas days you will join them, again i no its easy to say than done but to be honest once you have done it you will feel better, 

( sorry to be so blunt )

bell


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Brown - Christmas is a hard one isnt it?

My brother died 16 yrs ago at Christmas and it was difficult especially those first few years after. Then i met my dh and his dd and we had our own Christmas Day where dh's parents visit for 2 hours in the evening(they go to his sisters now). Boxing Day became the big day for us as since i was the only one married for a long time all my siblings/partners and mum came to us.This has always been good fun as i was missing out on going to my mums for christmas day.

This year however 2 of my sisters have married in the last year or so and my brother will follow next year. It is all change. I am trying to decide whether to host Boxing Day or not this year,especially  as my dh's dd walked out in Aug and left to live with her very nutty birth mum!  My dh will find it so hard and i dont know if it would be better to have a quiet boxing day or not( although Christmas Day will now be quieter too). I think I will leave it up to my family to decide. ie if they want to come , they can but dont have to. (since they all have their own houses now/and inlaws).If it is a quiet do it means dh could escape for a drink with friends whereas if all the crowd are there he makes the food.

It might be a good year to change the routine as i am sure that next year either one or 2 of my sisters will be pg/have a baby.I am not sure i could cope with them all invading my space and see babies in my home which were supposed to be mine.If we went somewhere else at least we could make our excuses and leave. . The only thing is I dont think my dh would feel the need to go to my familys homes.One sister lives 100 miles away and i am sure they will have to see their in laws on alternate years especially with kids.

If i were you I would bite the bullet and say you will be having your own Christmas or else go for the meal, have a drink and say you have arranged to meet friends. You have the perfect reason for this seeing as you are child free.(we know you dont want to be) but you could try that angle.

Let us know how you get on- might use that excuse myself next year!!!


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Dh and I are in the very fortunate position of having "trained" our family from the begining of our relationship that we spend christmas on our ow. We see everyone beforehand (for a weekend, a day or even just lunch) - that way all the duty is done, then we can shut the doors on the world and spend a couple of days on our own.

I know we're lucky that no-one freaks out too much about what we do, but I cannot recomend giving it a go highly enough! 

You've already come to the conclusion that you can't please everyone, so I think your DH has the right idea - tell your mum how you're feeling, organise some time for you and her outside of Christmas, and spend Christmas with your DH. OK, so someone might get slightly offended, but even if that does happen, weigh it up against a day of super stress and I recon on balance it;s the right thing to do!




xx


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## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Hi ladies
Thank you all for my replies, I feel lot better that I can sound off here and your answers have helped, if only I can be brave enough to make the call, I will let you know how I get on. Hopefully I will find a backbone . 
Love to all  

suxx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

You've already proved you have a stronger backbone than most people will ever have!


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