# Deciding whether to have ivf with v low chance of success



## littleeveningstar (Jan 17, 2015)

Hello there FF lovelies, I'm new here. I'd really like a bit of support if you're able. After pretty much every test and investigation possible that began because of truly hideous periods, and continued because of really wanting a child, with no change to either of these, we have been given what feels like the stark choice of applying to have IVF on the NHS with a very low chance of success (low AMH, 2 or 3 follicles on a good month) or hoping for a miracle. I am fast approaching 35. I deliberately exclude the option of donor eggs and adoption at the moment because it's just too big to think about right now. I have looked at the HFEA live birth figures and it seems to be around 10% chance. I have yet to have an operation which may have impact on this figure. 

I am concerned about how the process is going to impact on both my physical and mental wellbeing, and my relationship with my husband. There's also stupid things like having to go to a new hospital and meet new consultants, as ours doesn't offer IVF, which means even more travelling and more strangers prodding and poking and feeling like a statistic rather than a human being. I also have what feels like a heartless concern regarding my business: is the time and energy needed for the IVF (and the potential heartbreak if unsuccessful) going to prevent me from making my business a success AND prevent me from earning the money I need to prepare for (hopefully,  maybe) welcoming a child into our lives? I know some people do succeed with slim odds, but at what cost (not just financial!)? Fear and doubt and sadness are overwhelming me. I have so many questions I can't articulate right now, both emotional and practical.
I'd really appreciate hearing your thoughts and what helped you to decide one way or the other, and  any resources that you think I should look at. I feel that should add, I am by nature an optimist, usually able to see the good in every situation but right now I feel like I am grieving.


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## Fizzybee (Mar 3, 2009)

Hi Little evening star,
Firstly sending you a   . What you are feeling is entirely normal, though that doesn't make it any easier to bear. 
You are right to question the impact IVF will have on all aspects of your life- it is a hard hard process that can turn your world upside down and test all your relationships and friendships. But for many it is the only option- because the impact of not trying and going through the process of accepting that you may not have biological children can also turn your world upside down, and test all your relationships! You have to ask yourself the what if's sometimes- I had to go through IVF because not doing so felt like a harder option if that makes sense. I had to try. 
Just to say the process does get easier the more you get your questions answered (and this forum is a great place to start to make sense of things). I remember reading this forum when we had our diagnosis and realised we needed IVF with tears pouring down my face because there were so many others who felt like me which was comforting and so so sad at the same time. There is a whole section on poor responders aimed at women who have low amh, maybe you'll find some answers there. 
A chance is a chance, no matter how small (see my signature!)- 
All the best and take your time- arm yourself with as much info as you can and then decide- and let yourself be sad and angry if you need to be. 
All the best,
Fizzy xxx


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## Scorpy (Oct 2, 2014)

Hi littleeveningstar! You will find many women are feeling the same so dont feel alone or question how your feeling - your entitled to feel grief. 
I am just at the start of applying for IVF (NHS funded) _however im trying desperately trying to get my GP to investigate my problems further to avoid any risk of IVF not succeeding the first time - as like you say going through it will be difficult enough. _ 
Maybe you just need a bit of a break? After your investigations etc - give yourself and your hubby some time to prepare yourself emotionally? My personal opinion however would be to go for it.  
I went through a spell a year ago of doubting if this was financially really the 'right time' for a child - now I feel silly for even thinking this. This was me presuming it was going to work and I would be pregnant instantly - another year has passed and I am still waiting...A child is a 'miracle' and I wish Id have started this journey sooner in life, however I was 'waiting' for that 'perfect' time.
I am a practical thinker - I could drive myself crazy thinking and planning everything_ (actually I often do!)_ Even now I have moments of panic - how will I afford to not work for a year, I wont be able to work full time again? People have told me there is quite possibly never the 'perfect' time for a child?

I am actually a pessimist by nature...  Friends dont know what to say when you present them with 'im going to have IVF' so they like to remain positive for you and tell you that_ it worked for so and so_ ...personally I like to try and dismiss all positivity. I get my motivation to continue simply by my practical thinking - if there is an option out there im going to try it. I also do a lot of my own research to help me feel in control. However I know im just at the start and other women have been through much more investigations etc.

There are some good posts on the IVF section about working and going through IVF you may find interesting. 
I hope you feel a connection to others on here that are in the same situation etc as its been a great source of support for me.x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

the only thing i regretted about IVF was not doing it sooner. I was so terrified of infertility (even now i struggle to type that word) i was paralysed by it, couldn't seek help for a long time. go for it now!! don't wait!         there isn't a good option here, waiting around and hoping you've already tried... 
sure there is the whole 'strangers and prodding and poking' but there's potentially all that in a non-ivf pregnancy and birth too... 
your fears as described in your post sound like you are making excuses not to try because you are afraid to fail. That 'but what if it doesn't work' thing looms large on the horizon and any number of small 'reasons i can't do this' will leap up and try and save you from it... in the end you just have to dive in, you'll feel better for trying. I know it's scary.     good luck.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

ps i had only two antral follicles before my last IVF cycle..


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## littleeveningstar (Jan 17, 2015)

I'm already glad I joined FF, thank you all for your kind words. Who knew that virtual hugs from strangers would cheer me up so much?

Our next appointment is at the end of February so we don't have to decide yet, and even then we'll be put on an eight month waiting list (or so I am told). I know it is possible to live a happy and loving life whatever happens, but I wish it didn't have to be so very hard going; life is never easy is it? I shall think on it a while more, and keep on reading and exploring, and try to regain my positivity. Thanks again. I have no doubt I shall find the words for all the questions I have when I feel calmer.


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## CharlieJ (Jan 13, 2015)

hi littleeveningstar,

Do you think you are grieving because you feel like you are resigned to failing? Like you said even couples who have slim to no chance do succeed! I must admit that I had a similar thought process before I started my 1st ivf. I was worried about impact on career/ life in general. But then I visited my sister and my 2 young nephews which made me go for it. The devastation of a failure does hurt like crazy but it does ease ( doesn't go completely) I still get very tearful thinking about it. But here I am 2 weeks into 2nd cycle. If I can do it then I'm sure you can.

I known exactly what you mean about the virtual hugs. Very comforting- and all from women who understand your situation. So more hugs for you   .


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

I think you're possibly focussing on the 'low odds' angle.  Honestly though, in my opinion, it's almost like the flip of a coin and it will either work or it won't.  The fact is there are no guarantees of how your body reacts - they have ideas and predictors but your body is its own individual.  I have a high AMH level and was expected to pretty much have eggs coming out of my ears and was almost guaranteed OHSS.  I got 9/10/8 eggs across my three cycles and despite exceptionally high oestrogen levels not a sniff of OHSS.  So at the end of the day they just don't know.

On my second cycle I got a BFP which resulted in a heterotopic pregnancy (an ectopic and a uterine pregnancy concurrently).  The odds of this have been quoted to me as high as 1 in 80,000.  We'd seen a heartbeat at over 8 weeks when the risk of miscarriage falls to less than 1%.  We had embryos frozen at day 1 when the odds of a successful thaw is almost 100% - none of them survived, something the clinic had only ever seen once before.  Yet we hit these crazy odds.  So now I look at chances and odds very differently.  What will happen will happen.

If you never give yourself the chance to try though, then I think you'd probably live to regret it.  It's easier to regret something you've done than something you haven't most of the time, certainly with something like this when you could end up beating yourself up forever.

It is important to do your own research and fight your own corner too.  We'd been written off as having a poor chance and needing to pursue surrogacy.  After finding my own research and with a prescription from a supportive consultant, just one month after all our frozen embryos perished, our little boy was conceived naturally!  So many things against the odds ... Everything is just a roll of the dice!  xxx


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## littleeveningstar (Jan 17, 2015)

I'm feeling calmer and more informed, thank you for your support everyone. I still don't know what to do but there's time. For now, my focus is being as healthy as I can and not beating myself up about something I had no control over. I'm getting some serious lessons in philosophy right now!


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## Tone (Apr 16, 2013)

Littleeveningstar, I couldn't not reply to your post. You reminded me of me less than 2 years ago, faced with a less than 15% chance of success at age 39 with very low amh, immunity issues for both myself and my dh and a few other things thrown into the mix! We knew it would cost us a lot of money, and in fact we Have now just sold our house because of the huge spiralling costs but I'm so glad we did it. We got lucky so it's obviously easier for me to say this now but I remember that at the time the thing that made me decide whether or not to go for it was the idea that I would regret not having done it far more than having done it if you see what I mean. You are 35 and you have a bit more time than I did on your side still so go for it. There can only be 2 outcomes. Forget the 10% chance. Focus on looking after yourself. It sounds like you're approaching this in the right way. You also mention  your business and I totally relate to this. I had just given up my office job to concentrate full time on my business and resented Ivf getting in the way. It didn't really in the end. I found the lead up more stressful than the actual I f process. You just sort of go into auto pilot and do what you've got to do. Re the money, there's always a solution, ours was to sell our house, others get loans, 0% credit cards exec etc. you have to ask yourself how much you want this, and if you really want it just go for it regardless of all the worries and doubts. My business hasn't done as well as I'd leave liked but this whole journey has taken me on an unexpected path and I've learnt a lot. Had it not have worked, I'm sure id have thrown myself into my business and passion and I would have been a different person. I just wanted to be able to say at the end of it 'at least I tried'. Best of luck with it all   xxx


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## Ms Gnomer (Jan 15, 2015)

Hi *littleeveningstar*, I'm a fellow newbie here having only joined last week, the day before starting my down-regulation injections and it suddenly hit me what was happening.

I have had the opposite journey from you and have pretty much been pushed into IVF by a very good NHS consultant who told me I'd be stupid to wait at 37, and am lucky enough to be in an NHS-funded round. I don't know what to expect at all, so it's been a bit of an emotional journey; however I'm into week two of DR and have my baseline scan on Tuesday, when I'll hopefully start my next set of jabs to start stimulating my ovaries to produce follicles (what's usually written as stimming here). I'm actually quite excited about the process now, as at least I know I'm doing something about it and am in control of my destiny in some ways. I've asked myself the question about how much I want a child, as it's really going to change my lifestyle. Actually, it wouldn't be the end of the world if it doesn't succeed, as I could throw myself into expeditions and overseas conservation projects, which I won't be able to do as a mother; however, I have realised that motherhood is a gift that I'd really like to experience and it's galvanised my spirit into taking this journey positively and knowing that I'm giving myself the best fighting chance of that happening.

I think that knowledge (which I've mostly gained from this forum in the past week) is everything in this process. I've gone from feeling like a failure as a woman a week ago (even though the cause of our inability to get pregnant is "unknown", I've been blaming myself), to feeling really positive about today and positive that no matter what the future holds, I can say that I've given everything my best shot and taken the opportunities that have come my way. I think that the key to living a happy life, is to take informed decisions and then ride with the ups and downs of the flow knowing that you've given it your best shot, no matter whether that's deciding to focus on your business, focus on trying to start a family, or some combination of the two. Good luck with your journey!


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## littleeveningstar (Jan 17, 2015)

A month later and I'm no closer to making a decision. The consultant prescribed me hormones to control my period, which has done nothing whatsoever, so my trust in the drugs is pretty low at the moment. Especially after all the other 'solutions' where as good as useless. I'm a tall woman and I do wonder if they take into account your size unique physical attributes when they prescribe. Would they need to pump me with more than the usual amounts to get anything to happen with IVF I wonder? 
Ms Gnomer, I hope things are coming along for you and the drugs are not making you feel too nuts. Tone, i agree it is important to give things your best shot, I just don't know if the things I am doing to improve my chances are doing anything other than make everyone else richer and me have to work harder to pay for it all! I am glad you are feeling positive about your decisions, there is too much regret in the world. 
My next challenge is a family funeral next week. On top of the awfulness of grief and saying goodbye to a much loved man, How do i respond to the inevitable baby questions (or should i say demands?) I even had a taxi driver asking me when I was going to have children the other day. That kind of thing just makes me want to scream. People eh?
So, mission of the week: find elegant responses to rude questions, and find some way of making a decision.  Mission impossible?


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi Little evening star

I'm sorry to that you have a family funeral, I hope it passes peacefully and without too many questions from others.

There is a section on here for coping with infertility, there are lots of people in the same boat to offer support, here's a link...

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=554.0

Take care

Dory
xxx


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## Ms Gnomer (Jan 15, 2015)

Hi again Littleeveningstar.  I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost someone dear to you.  I know that these family situations often lead to questions, but try not to worry about it and tell them it's your personal business.  I actually found that tactfully pointing out that not everyone wants children or can actually have them, and that it's an incredibly personal, rude question, has led to less insensitive questions being asked both of me and the other girls in my family.  I've always been labelled as the annoying feminist one anyway (plus tree-hugger, etc), so it didn't bother me to be the one to stand up and tell them off for prying, but I don't think that asking for a little respect was rude on my part.

Thank you for asking how my treatment is going.  I've actually found the whole process reasonably straightforward.  I've learnt a lot about myself and the process along the way, but I'm approaching it without pinning too much hope as I think that would just add pressure to an already uncertain thing.  As for drug doses being tweaked, etc, I had an extra week of buserelin whilst downregging, as AF came very late.  It turned out to be a good thing, as I had a lot of stress that week and I'm glad I just went with it and didn't worry myself.  I've now been stimming for a week and am seeing my follicles grow and my lining thickening.  Things didn't quite go to plan with my initial low dose, so they have tweaked it up to 300ui of Gonal-F to stimulate my hormone production, as my blood estrogen (estradiol) was a bit low.  It's a closely managed situation all along and they're always there to answer questions, so actually I've found it enlightening.  I've also learnt a lot more about what makes my own body feel better, which can only be a good thing for my future health.  In short: I'm glad I'm giving it a go, even though I'm not convinced that this round of IVF will be successful - if I didn't give it a go at all, then I would run the risk of always wondering if I should have tried.  I'm even completely blasé about the injections and scans now!

I think you're the only one who can make this decision, along with your husband.  Try not to stress yourself out.


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