# Friendships during IVF



## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Hi ladies. I've just tried googling "friends and IVF" and this is what came up. Just what I needed to hear. We are allowed to feel jealous and hurt. We are human. I've recently had a social media detox partly because over Christmas it was bombarded with babies and I thought it was a healthy thing to do and it helped massively I was more productive with my time and wasn't feeling so crap about it. We are due to start our first IVF next month (so nervous) and a couple we know very well who only live close too, have fallen pregnant and when she realised I wasn't on social media she directly send me two bump pics "just incase I wanted to see" it really is lovely you're growing w life but please don't send them directly as that's part the reason I've come off so call media! i am a person who usually has so much empathy and can nearly always see situations from both sides but I'm being a bit selfish lately or giving myself more permission to be fair to myself should I say. So after I replied saying "oh wow that's amazing you look fab, how exciting" she texts me 2 day later saying am I happy she is pregnant and that she's worried about me and how she never knows whether to talk about the baby or not around me. Firstly the baby subject always naturally comes up in conversation when we meet up - I know it's it's exciting for her so why would I stop her from talking. I allow myself about 10 mins and then I change the subject. I feel this is fair, does anyone else do this? When she last asked about our journey and I told her the science side of it she said "what so your partner will have to make the baby by doing it in a cup"? This was a stupid and thoughtless comment which made me so angry but I bit my tongue. Weeks later when they came round to tell us about the baby I realised she was already pregnant! Which made me feel a little bit peed off. I wkll stop there for now I guess I needed to get lots of my chest. Thank you for reading and hoping you are all doing ok. Thank goodness for healthy places to rant ⭐ Xxx


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## Franny80 (Apr 10, 2016)

Hi Beachbliss,

I'm glad you have found Fertility Friends, it's a great place to share these sorts of things and get support from people who understand - as you will find, even with the best intentions, your friends will find it hard to know what you are going through. In a way, you can't fully blame them. I used to get angry at my friends (part of this was probably also jealousy that they had what I desperately wanted), but unless they have gone through it yourself, it is really hard to fully understand what we go through. I think communication is the best thing for your friendships, as your friends do need help navigating it all. It's about thinking what upsets you, and telling them, so they know how to behave to avoid hurting you. Don't worry about being selfish - I'm sure not sharing a baby scan photo with you is not going to ruin your friend's pregnancy news. They are in a happiness bubble which, in reality, you would be unlikely to pop with anything you are doing. Be open and honest about why you don't want to go to christenings etc.. and I'm sure they will understand. If you're not open about stuff, then sometimes people jump to their own conclusions and that's when resentments can build up.

It's hard I know. I shut myself away and got angry at my friends for not always doing what I needed. I know now they wished I had told them how to help me, and I wish they had asked. After a couple of years I became really conscious of how much my friendships had suffered and started working to repair them, which I am still doing now. The good ones are repairable though.

xx


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## Sasanach17 (Nov 17, 2017)

Oh Beachbliss, rant away. I am with you on this one! Friends and fertility stuff is such difficult ground to weed your way through. I've had a few difficult ones with friends and cousins over the last while but have realised: 1. I need to not be so hard on myself and 2. that good friends they may be when it comes to other things, but not all friends will be support on this fertility journey.... one or two good and trusting ones are much better than a gaggle of ones who will just say the wrong things and make you feel worse...

I was heart broken some months ago when I heard (from my mother!) that one of my oldest and dearest friends was pregnant with her 3rd. When I contacted her to congratulate her and ask her why she didn't tell me herself (and that I hoped she didn't think I was feeling anything but happiness for her) and her reply was, "I felt bad, I'm on my third and you have none"....I was furious at this comment especially as she hasn't once asked me about things and just presumed or guessed! But what I've realised is that this is her world now - babies and kids. She doesn't know how to relate to me or how to react to me with anything other than pity. I started to realise that it is the pitiful reactions that I found most upsetting and just drove me to then having my own little pity parties which are never good! I have maybe 2 - 3 friends I discuss the fertility stuff with but at least I know when I talk to them they are there and I won't feel worse for having opened up to them. 

Family encounters have been equally difficult - I've turned down an invite to a cousins hen party next month as out of my 6 cousins who will be going - 1 is the bride to be, 4 are pregnant and 1 has just had a baby. I knew I wouldn't be able to hack all the baby talk or get away with questions been thrown my way and actually it was my mum who asked me if I really wanted to throw myself into the fire by going to it! I know the wedding itself will be hard but at least I will have my husband and brothers there to rescue me! Surprisingly, my brothers have been an amazing support to me since telling them. I guess they have reminded me that whether I become a mother or not they still love me as their "pain in the bum sister". 

I hope that some day I'll be less sensitive about all this stuff but for now I know what's best for me is keeping a bit of a guard up. I'm not going to feel bad about opting out of certain things or being a bit closed about things as I need to just do what is best for me right now. 

We don't owe anything to anyone! Don't be afraid to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your own little family (ie, you and your other half). 

Lots of love and I hope things get easier for you! xxx


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

You might find the coping with infertility section helpful, here's a link http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=554.0

Dory
Xx


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Thank you lovely. I guess honesty is the best policy. I will take your advice on board. We met last night for a dog walk (thus usually happens once a week / once every 2 weeks) and it was all "ah do you know so and so is expecting" people I don't even know. I just thought you know what, our paths are changing and its best to either meet as a couple and do a meal as o know the guys being there they'll naturally be less baby talk. Or not meet up as much and explain. 

I hope your journey is going ok. Love and positivity to you xxx


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Sasanach17 

Thanks so mhch for your reply also. You should congratulate yourself for not going to the hen do that's a sensible thing to do. Mums always know the best thing to do don't they. 

I talk to my mum about it all, one of my best friends that has 3 children but she has so much empathy and always says the right things so that's a massive lift for me. I also talk to one of the girls at work but fortunately she's fallen pregnant so I feel it's unfair to always talk to her so I speak to an older lady at work (our work mum  so that's a good offload too. 

I completely see where you are coming from with the whole not telling many people. I spoke to my partner many times about how important I felt it was for us to be open with everyone about it as we need support but I now realise it's who you tell not how many. He's a bit more quiet about it. It may be because we have low sperm so it's harder on him and I'm mindful of that. He's great to tell his mum and partner and his work (work had to know as we need to fly out for appointments but they seem understanding) my work have been ok (my boss seemed understanding so I hope it goes no further) 

You're so right, some people don't know how to relate to us anymore as babies are they're world. As for the wedding, I would treat yourself to some bubbly and the speeches they're always the best bit. Are you on the bridesmaid table with all the baby talk? I was going to say enjoy some time with your hubby, something that's precious to us couples right now. And update us all the day after so you can off load in a healthy way. 

May I ask wnen you guys are due to start IVF? 

Thank you, love and positivity to you xxx


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Thank you dory x


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## Louise7-7 (Jan 26, 2018)

Hello all, I’m new here too but two years into our journey. For me, I don’t share enough, I have many reasons but having gone this far I also completely agree that while you want to talk it’s not always the best thing in the long run and if you have one or two good friends to rely on you are lucky. From my experience the road ahead is an absolute roller coaster and pitiful or insensitive comments are so hurtful. The more people know, the more they will comment and ask but nobody can possibly know what this is like without experiencing it which is why I also find myself here, hoping for support from the right people. I have found that my circle of ‘couples friends’ have become distant, they all have kids and still meet up but we don’t get the memo. Might be for the best. You are right to be upset with your friend, hold your head high and move on. Surround yourself by people that build you up, not knock you down whether they know what you’re going through or not.


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Louise you're so right. Thank you for your honest and supportive wisdom. 

I think I will see a little less of this person as they are just in their own baby bubble and have no idea about anything else. I've managed to get out of the baby showe too - phew! It's my dad's birthday that same day. She asked what I had planned for it and why I couldn't make it (haven't yet booked my dads lunch but who cares I'm out of it!) 

I think you're right, letting go of those friendships with children for now is a wise idea if it feels right and you're not being invited out as much. I feel this path is given to us so when it does happen we'll meet a new set of friends in anti natal classes and have more time for adventure. I know it's not always easy though. As the saying goes what doesn't kill us makes us stronger 💪🏽 x


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## HopingAndPraying (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi beach bliss 

I think you are being such a good friend to even allow 10 mins of baby chat when she knows your circumstances. Everything you feel is completely natural and don't ever doubt that as no one really will ever understand your journey until they have walked in your shoes. Your friends comments are completely uneducated (making a baby from a cup ehhh hello? 😩) and insensitive telling u about everyone else's pregnancies.  As one of the other girl said , at this time you need friends who will support you and who you can be honest with. It's ok not to be gushy about other people's pregnancies and your friend should be ok with that. 

Keep your chin up , and wishing you all the very best xxx


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Thank you hoping and praying. You're so righr. I kind of wish I Didn't tell her, it was a gamble I took a couple of years ago really. This person isn't great at secrets and I should have known. She knows everyone else's business about everyone else's relationships etc and it's always said in a gossipy way. I don't like gossip, I don't bond over gossip, this journey has made me worry about bigger things and I'm less judgmental than ever. We usually do a dog walk every week and I usually get a txt Sunday eve asking about the weekend abd a walk. How do you suggest I move forward with this. Baring in mind we have two meals booked as couples which I hope aren't baby related if the boys are there too xx


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## Sasanach17 (Nov 17, 2017)

hey Beachbliss,

I go for an laparoscopy this week (eeek!) and will see how that goes but was told to expect IVF 3 months after that.... one step at a time!

How about you?


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Hi hopingand praying, 

Thanks so much for your reply. It's so nice to be told again how I'm feeling is completely normal. 

Another text I had this week was from the same friend and it was a 20week scan, I said aw growing nicely looking lovely. She text back and said "do you want to guess the sex" I replied and said 
"We say girl" she then replied saying "interesting...." 
And left it at that. I may sounds horrible but j can't be bothered for back and forth games. I assumed she wasn't sharing the news so I didn't reply. Either that or she wanted to run it in even more. I have no idea. I've still not text back and if she says anything I'm just going to say I was confused by her reply, which I was. Thank goodness we all have each orher on here  thanks ladies so much xxx


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## HopingAndPraying (Mar 28, 2013)

You friend sounds a bit mad   Judging by her texts . If I was you I would shut the conversations down a bit by just saying "aw fab all sounds amazing" and that way you are being positive for her but not asking her anything ! It's like she drags things out a bit when again she needs to be mindful of your feelings and what you are going through. I'm not saying her pregnancy sparkle needs to be dulled you just dint need to hear every minut detail. 

I hope that very soon you will be sharing your pregnancy news and i hope she gives you the break you deserve! 

Chin up x you will get there! 

Lots of love and positive vibes for you xxx


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Sashnash how was your lap app? X


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Hoping and praying. 
Gosh you speak so mhch sense. And from experience too I bet. Your message did make me laugh! 😂


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Hoping and praying. Thank you so mhch. I hope so you you too. The support I've gained from this site is amazing. If only we could all meet in person we'd have such a laugh sharing all our stories! X


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## Sasanach17 (Nov 17, 2017)

hey Beachbliss, I'm with hopingAndPraying, she does sound a bit mad... does she need to keep a silly text exchange going like that!?

As for the Lap, kind of you to ask! I'm doing well, bit tender and uncomfortable still but that's to be expected! Tubes all clear but stage III Endo confirmed. Surgeon confident he managed to treat a lot of it. I have follow up appointment in coming weeks so will see what he says then... TBH I was so out of it after the operation I can't really remember the conversation with him  

For now I'm taking this as a positive and focusing on getting back on my feet (and off the couch and creme eggs!).


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Thank you for your message. 
So pleased you're doing ok. Wow you must be sore hope you have a speedy recovery. That's a positive step in the right direction now. I hope your journey gets easier. Does having endo mean you have really uncomfortable periods too?


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Good morning  

I'm going to move this thread out of intros and into coping with infertility do that you can carry on chatting 

Dory
Xx


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## beachbliss (Nov 3, 2017)

Thank you so mhch. I hope you're doing ok xx


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