# 50 single and embryo adoption



## Holly7

Hi out there

i'm in spain right now after having embryo transfer treatment yesterday. feeling very mixed and emotional about being a single mum at this age without any family support and prospect of having to give up work to go on benefits and of course a bit guilty with baby not having a daddy. i yearn for family so much and left it too late in life to try with ex partner. i did not take this decision lightly but just hoped i could link in to others on this site for support....anybody with similar story? any positive words will be most welcome right now.

many thanks

Holly


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## suitcase of dreams

Just sending some    and wishing you luck for the 2ww


You will find your support networks once the baby (fingers crossed for a positive outcome) is on the way and life has a way of working out one way or another 😄 


Feeling emotional is completely par for the course, not least given all the hormones floating around, but none of the single mums I know (and I know a lot!) regret it for a second 😄 


Let us know how you get on
X


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## GIAToo

Sending   
I had all those worries, especially the one about no Daddy, but my friends used to remind me of all the women who had babies from casual relationships (or not so casual ones) where "Daddy" did a runner - OR the woman decided she didn't want Daddy in the picture (I know of one woman who has 4 kids by three different men and does not allow any contact!!) and that is far more damaging and selfish than what you are doing. 
I remember laying there after my donor embryo transfer and thinking "What have a I done?"   

As Suitcase says, you will build a support network.  When you get pregnant, you can go to NCT or pregnancy yoga classes and start to meet other Mums.  I also (still) worry about being an older Mum (I am 47 now with a 3 yr old and trying for baby number two), but in 3.5 years I have only been asked if I am my son's grandmother twice (once was this week and I'll let him off 'cos he was only 4 years old!!)    And my Great Grandmother had her 8th child at 48, so I find that comforting.

I don't regret it for a second!

Good luck on your 2WW - which is torturous, so do keep posting on here for support.
GIA Too xxx


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## Blondie71

just to make you feel a bit better on the no daddy issue I just met a fellow twin mum at a playcentre who went through several rounds of IVF with her husband only to have him kick the cr*p out of her when her babies were just 3 months old, they are now 8 months old and she hasn't seen him since the beating due to a court order and poor thing lives her life under terrible fear and stress with looking over her shoulder so "no daddy" isn't such a terrible option at times after all x


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## deblovescats

I can totally understand your wobble - it's only natural. I think we've all been there. I was 47 when I had my darling son who's now 8 months old. I never met Mr Right and always wanted a family in the traditional way, but as the others say, even with a partner, doesn't mean there wouldn't be problems. I wish I could have a father for my son, but I look on it that's how life has worked out. I love him unconditionally and mean to make sure he won't want for anything. I do have family, but am mainly doing it on my own as well. I have support from friends/colleagues. I'm hoping to go back to work part time, but waiting to hear if I can. If not, I'll probably have to leave as I do not intend to put him in nursery 5 days a week, especially when I've waited so long to have him. I'm also planning to go for FET with my frosties to try for a sibling! 
I haven't regretted a moment of it. I haven't had any comments and I just decide what to disclose to people. Go out and join local groups etc.
Good luck
Deb


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## BroodyChick

Holly, there's a lady here (Sarana) who is around your age and in a similar situation, her little one is 3 now.
It's hard, yes, but I agree yor situation is preferable to dealing with a broken relationship on top! I started looking into flatshare situations with other single mums, perhaps worth considering for your family too. You're definitely not alone x


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## Blondie71

Holly how did your treatment go?


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## kitten106

Holly you are certainly not alone having treatment as a single woman ......Hope you treatment went well btw ?

Luv Kitten xx


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## Princessbubs

Don't worry about being a single mum, I had 5 rounds of ivf with my ex husband and he left me when my son was born. A child doesn't need a dad just a mummy who loves him/her. There are plenty of single parents out there. I hope your treatment went great xxxxx


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## Sarana37

Hi Holly, I'm the Sarana that BroodyChick mentioned. I hardly ever get the chance to come onto this site these days with the demands of my little one (now three and a half years old) and a full time job. I was way over 50 when I had him (and single, and he was a Double Donor embryo), and it is, and has been fantastic! Money is tight, but who cares - we are happy and life is good! From all the nervousness of early days, I am SO glad I did this! Feel free to email me directly if you want to chat, and I'll reply whenever I get the chance. I'm always happy to help or share, just time is sometimes a bit of an issue, 
All the best, 
Sarana


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## deblovescats

I found your message so uplifting Cherie - I liked the idea that our little ones have only known our wombs so we are the only mums they know! I love my son so much - he's almost 11 months. I'm planning on trying for a sibling in Sept/Oct so if I get pregnant, will be 49 when I have the baby, but I know I can do it. I feel so blessed.
Deb


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## GIAToo

Hey ladies,

Having written to the OP with words of encouragement, I am having major wobbles again myself!  
I am currently only 6 weeks pregnant and have bleeding on and off for 10 days.  A scan last Friday showed that all was well, even saw the flicker of a heartbeat, but I have continued to spot and bleed since then.  my emotions are all over the place.  One minute I think it's all over and I feel this sense of relief that I will not have to cope with two children, and then I feel guilty and am thinking I desperately want this to work and feel devastated that it might not.  I am so worried about my age, I am 47, and worried that people will really say awful things about it and tell me I am too old (which I know is totally ridiculous because even if they thought it, I doubt many people would say it to my face and what business is it of theirs anyway - logically I know all this!).  I am worried that I will die!!! My 3 year old started talking about me dying this morning (I cannot remember how it started) and he said "I will be all on my own"    He also started saying things like "what if a bad man came to get you?"!!    
I am finding myself dwelling on stories of people dying in their late 40s and early 50s etc and I making myself miserable.  Why can't I just relax  

Please could someone give me a virtual slap?  

Thanks for letting me offload 
GIAToo xx


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## deblovescats

GIAT - I really feel for your anxiety. When I was pregnant with DS, I had bleeding at 6 and 7 weeks, but it turned out to be a haematoma from implantation and worked out fine. So try not to worry = bleeding during pregnancy is quite common. 
I was 47 when I had my little one and he's my first, and I'm fine about it. I haven't had any real comments - I don't share my age when I go out to groups and I don't think I look old! People who do know my age, haven't said. Most people have been happy about my news. The only few comments I've had weren't really negative and I just forget about them - I took my mum to a scan at the hospital for vaginal bleeding post menopause, and while waiting for her, a nurse came in (obviously knew mum's age and hence mine!) She admired my son and then said 'we're getting lots more older mums now .... then asked 'did I have any problems during pregnancy' to which I said no. None of her business. My hairdresser said to my sister that when you have babies in your 40s, your mother can't look after the child when back at work. My sister made an appropriate remark. As if we don't know .... Someone else I used to work with years ago, came running up to me when visiting mum at hospital, hugged me and said I was an inspiration having a baby at my age (She wants a second and is same age!) 
I try not to think about negative thoughts about leaving my little one - anyone can die at any age! 
Older mums can give a lot to their children - patience, tend to breastfeed, educational attainment, love .... 
I think it's probably your hormones causing you to get so anxious. Think about what you give your little one and you'll be a great mum with 2! 
I'm planning for a cycle in Sept/Oct so if it works, will be 49 when little one born! 
Try and take it easy
Deb


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## suitcase of dreams

sending  
am sure it's just your hormones working overtime hun

I know it's a terrible cliché, but you really are only as old as you feel - you've got plenty of energy and plenty to offer a little one, so don't give your age second thought  

hang in there, the early days and weeks of pregnancy are so anxious, hopefully you'll be feeling much more secure very soon
x


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## mogscat

Dear GIAT
I had similar experience when my children were very young.  I thought I would die or, even worse, harm might come to them.  it was awful. But the horrible thoughts you experience are not based on any truth or likely happening, they come from anxiety. At the time I had a lot of very stressful things happening in my life,  on top of caring for toddlers, with very little support. More recently following more life stresses, I was badly affected by anxiety again but this time I was referred via GP for a brief course of CBT.  I think these days you can even refer yourself, I think it's called LetsTalk and is run by NHS.  I think they do groups as well as one to one sessions.  I found it helpful.  It's not counselling, it just teaches you methods to take control of your thought processes and redirect your thoughts to help control your anxiety.  It was great because as I was TTC (and still am, two years later!) it was an alternative to anti-depressants which I didn't want to take just in case i got pregnant.
Anyway, might be worth Googling LetsTalk NHS or speaking to GP, please don't suffer alone  
xx


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## GIAToo

Thanks everyone.     

mogscat - I had a look for something in my local area for LetsTAlk NHS, but there isn't anything.  There is lots of LetsTalkAboutSex for the youngsters though!   

Suity - yes hormones have a lot to answer for eh?  Sometimes I just feel so tired, but I have to stop associating that with just my age (although it's a factor) because I know lots of younger Mums who are also very tired!  

deblovescats - thanks and it is true that there are many more people who think I am "brave" or "inspirational" etc (as all the other older and single Mums are) so I need to focus on that. 

I am going on holiday next week with 23 other family members, so although it is still early days, I will break the news to them and let's see how they react.  I think most will be delighted to be honest.  I have a scan on Monday and I am hoping all is well, because if not, then practically I don't know what I will do.  Cross that bridge on Monday eh?  Had no bleeding since last Monday and just a bit of   brown discharge today. 
Thanks again ladies.
GIA Tooxx


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## Holly7

Hi Everyone

Its Holly7 thanks for all your replies which I have only just read almost a year later. I had to re join this site as i forgot my username and password. I will start a new post on this but for anyone reading here my transfers were not successful last march but i returned on 31st Dec last year and am now 8 weeks pregnant. Feeling mixed and a bit alone but lovely to read all your replies.

Thanks so much!!


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## Holly7

Hello Everyone

Apologies for not replying to your lovely messages of encouragement last year. I did not read them till today. My first IVF last March was not successful but i braved a second attempt and am now 8 weeks pregnant. I had three donated embryos transferred and will have my early scan tomorrow. I have felt mixed feelings and feel quite alone as I have not announced to family or colleagues etc and dreading responses up ahead. Its such a difficult situation at this age and being single. I was looking for comfort and signed into this site and by chance happened across the previous post. It was delightful to read your replies. Thanks so much it makes me feel less alone!


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## indekiwi

Woohoo *Holly7*!!!!   

Many congratulations hun, and I hope your scan went well. Fingers are firmly crossed for you.

A-Mx


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## Holly7

Hey A-M

thanks so much  Yes my scan went well, i think as i'm carrying twins - eek! Its actually what i wanted as it was my last shot at things. midwife appt started a bit stressful as she initially seemed opinionated on my age and picked up on fact that i live with lodgers which she said may be a cause of concern. I couldn't believe it. She even referred my for counselling which I think is inappropriate and i wont attend unless its obligatory. Otherwise all going fine. 

Holly7


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## suitcase of dreams

What lovely news Holly, congratulations!


My twins turn 5 in a few weeks time...I won't lie, it can be tough being single with twins especially in the early days, so do build yourself a good,support network whilst you are pregnant if you can
But on the other hand it's also amazing having twins and they are so much fun together 😄


Shout if you have any questions, there's quite a few of us singlies with twins now 😄


All the best 
x


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## indekiwi

*Holly7, *twins!!! You really did hit the jackpot!  As for the midwife, is it worth contacting the surgery / hospital she is with and asking for future appointments to be held with someone who keeps their opinions to themselves and deals with you in a professional manner? You definitely don't need to see her again if you so choose.  There really are some glorious sets of twins that have come along to the singles posting on FF (including Suity's very charming young men.) Also, one of the other mums at the school my children attend gave birth to DC twins at 50 - she went full term and had both naturally -  She is also now on her own, running after her 10 year old boy and girl, energetic as all get up and the most amazing mum. So definitely you have everything to play for, but as Suity has suggested, building up a network of people who can help out wouldn't go amiss.

Lovely news!

A-Mx


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## Tincancat

Welcome to the solo mums twinnie club Holly.  Mine are 16 months.  We have had some problems, it's been tough and we are moving forward now with both boys progressing well.  I can see the advantage of twins as they get older they can play with each other...... equally they can get up to mischief together  
Hope everything goes well for you.  Keep us posted.
TCCx


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## Holly7

Hi and thanks for your welcomes and well wishes. I dont usually join internet sites but for this was feeling all out at sea and already feel better to touch base with others in similar situations. 

I have some basic and possibly silly questions to throw out as my mind is doing overtime worrying about things the midwife said on my first appointment this week. 

As i said earlier she raised potential issues with the fact that i lived with lodgers and when she asked for their names!!..I asked her to just forget about that and she said she could not as it was a concern for babies safety. I really couldn't believe that and when she asked if it would be the same lodgers when babies are born it occurred to me that she may involve social services and this is one of the reasons i didnt consider going for adoption or fostering i.e. interfering nanny state. I couldnt possibly live without my lodger income and could not allow for disclosure criminal background checks. This midwife also challenged the fact that i declined the flu jab and made me feel bad about that. I simply felt goaded. 

Now she then asked me if I had any mental health diagnoses to which i replied no. She then drew attention to a historical record of more than 25 years ago which stated 'bi polar affective disorder'. Now i have a post grad degree in psychology and can tell you that this diagnosis was inappropriate and inaccurate. To make such a diagnosis a person needs to be assessed over 6 months. This was a one off appointment at my request as i was feeling depressed. I called my GP yesterday and raised the issue as to why its on my medical history. We are talking about 25 years ago. 

Now this midwife has referred me to a counselling appointment which the sonographer advised me of later in the day. I know its not standard as she added that its just because my situation is unusual and it will be good to consider my options. What on earth?

Main question: where does the law stand on donor embryo or egg donor babies? Do we have exactly the same parental rights are biological parents?

Thanks and i'm sure my mind is just doing overtime but the midwife appointment has really stressed me out.

Holly


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## Holly7

Tincancat

I'm sorry to hear that things have been tough, i guess its much harder work with twins but i really agree thats its ideal for them to have each other as playmates and sibling bonding for future years. I wanted twins but admit that i am being naive at this stage regards whats going to be involved. Sounds like things have improved for you now, does it get easier?

Holly


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## morganna

Holly


I hope you are feeling better now.
It was great to text back and forth today.
Hope you get that crazy midwife SORTED!!
love,
Morganna xx


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## daisyg

Holly,

Congratulations!  I look at it in a different way.  As mums we do need to get used to some measure of ' benign interference' for the welfare of our children.  I personally would be worried about having men (or anyone else) in my house as lodgers without background checks. When you have the babies you may feel differently?  You are very vulnerable during pregnancy and especially when you are on your own with the babies.  The reason for the flu jab is to protect your babies, so again not sure why you refused?

You may need the support of health visitors and other people involved in the care of your children.  It isn't really about you.
Of course if you feel they are discriminating against you as a single mum that is completely wrong, and you definitely should change midwives/health visitors if you are concerned or not happy.  I would definitely question the reason for referring you to counselling.  If it is just because of your age and being single, then that is discrimination and you do not have to put up with it.

I just wanted to put it out there that it really isn't about us any more!  I am also a single mum to donor embryo twins from Spain.  They are 9 years old and I am almost 56!.  I have a history of depression so I do empathise with you.  I too had to go on benefits in the early years, it is doable.  I went back to work when they were 3.5.


As you go through your pregnancy I hope you can plug in to some of the antenatal support (e.g. NCT) as that is really helpful.  Also is there a twins club near you?  They often have other pregnant mum meet ups for support?  Gingerbread is also very good at helping you out with advice (especially financial) as a single parent.  TAMBA also has a helpline.


Finally, don't forget DCN where there are quite a few older solo mums in the network who regularly meet up for support.

btw my two mainly fight with each other 24/7 and have been like this from birth!  However, I am glad that they have each other and are full siblings which may be important to them later on?


Best wishes,

D xxx

D xxx


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## suitcase of dreams

Holly,


Legally you are 100% their mother and you have exactly the same rights as any other mother to be


I'm not sure I agree with daisy that we should put up with 'interference' as such but I definitely recommend taking up all the support and help you can get. Being pregnant with, and having twins can be quite an overwhelming experience (it's overwhelming enough with one, but with two it does add to the possible stress levels!) A good supportive health visitor can make a big difference so it's worth getting them onside, or potentially requesting a different one if you feel this one is discriminating against you and can't see past that. They are obliged to ask certain safeguarding type questions, best thing is probably to humour her/them as best you can and then carry on as you are if that's all working well for you. How do your lodgers feel about the new additions? Will be a big change for them too  


If you don't want/feel that you need the counselling I would just call and cancel and say it's not needed and you are doing just fine thanks. 

Re flu jab, that's your choice of course and I know there are people who have strong feelings about vaccinations and that's their prerogative, and we are coming out of flu season now too, but on the other hand unless you have very strong reasons for not having it, I think it's generally a good idea -flu and pregnancy combined is not a happy mix  


Whereabouts are you living? If you're local to me am happy to meet up - I will PM you 
x


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## Tincancat

Hi Holly 
I've PM you.  I'm pleased your thread has now been unlocked by the moderators.
TCCx


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## morganna

Holly....................i Totally agree with suitcase of dreams.
That midwife had no right to do that and she is interfering.
You do NOT have to put up with that!
Hope you are feeling a little better with the meds for your sickness.


Morganna xx


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## Sharry

Holly you might be better going the waiting for a first scan thread in the pregnancy and parenting area so you can chat freely about your pregnancy and worries.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=282845.630

Sharry


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## deblovescats

Congrats Holly - don't let negative people spoil your joy! don't fixate on what the midwife says - just take the medical advice, but her personal opinions are not relevant! 
I have a gorgeous 19 month old son and I'm currently in the 2WW - trying for no 2! I'm hoping and praying. I had transfer on Wed so now 3dp5t (FET) and trying not to stress! I was 46 when I had tx and gave birth to my son when I was 47. I dreaded negative comments from work colleagues - and was amazed by how truly happy they were for me! A few close work colleagues are now rooting for me with no 2 - they were very keen that I tried again! I'm now 48, nearly 49 and if successful, I'll be 49 when I have the new baby. I had a great pregnancy - though I was monitored more closely - I had placenta praevia which didn't cause any problems, but I had to have an elective C-section as a precaution. However, my LO was fine. So holly - enjoy your pregnancy and good luck
Deb


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## Holly7

Hiya ye all wonderful women. I am overwhelmed by this community, what you have all been through and what have done and are doing, truly amazing!!!!

I've been v busy with a social event last night and work today but thanks for your messages yesterday and i'm coming back to reply this weekend.

Just quickly now though regarding this thread. I emailed FF asking why this thread had been blocked and had an apology saying it was done in error. But looking in now I note a message from the moderator suggesting it is not appropriate for the single women forum. I feel its most relevant for this forum and would like to seek information regarding this as I am now wondering if it will be blocked again in future?

Oh and i'm guessing youre all one step ahead of this than me and probably this is old hat news but see link below i stumbled across and went "wow"!

http://www.medicaldaily.com/infertile-moms-genetics-micrornas-get-passed-her-egg-donation-child-355788

 xx

/links


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## Sharry

I did block it by accident, the joys of doing too many things at once, and at no point has anybody said or suggested that it is "inappropriate" for a single ladies forum! Your chat is relevant, but in the correct area. This area is for people trying to get pregnant, now that you are pregnant you need to use the pregnancy area for ongoing pregnancy chat as any pregnancy chat on this thread will be removed. 

If you need further clarification please message me.

Sharry


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## Tincancat

Perhaps if we had a link to a new thread before this one is locked down?  Otherwise I'm sure I won't be the only one who gets lost when a new thread, on same subject, is started in a different pregnancy related area.
TCCx


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## Sharry

Once again I apologise it was locked by accident when i merged both of Holy's post into one! The thread can stay open but pregnancy chat will be removed.


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## morganna

Sharry

This thread should stay open so I'm glad you are endorsing it. 
M.


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## Tincancat

Sharry, if Holly is happy, perhaps you can move this thread to an area where pregnancy chat and support is permitted?  I know some moderators are able to move threads if they are deemed to have been started in the wrong place.
TCCx


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## Holly7

Hi Sharry 
Apologies if i started or wish to continue this thread in the wrong place and yes if thats the case could you move it to the appropriate place and alert us where its moved to? When i view the sub header category title at the top it reads pregnancy and single parenting so i'm a bit confused on this but want to do things properly so let us know what you suggest.

many thanks

Holly


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## Holly7

Hi 

I'd like to respond to your posts and give a wee update on the counselling query outcome but will wait to see whats happening with the thread first

xx


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## Sharry

There is no need to move this thread as all stages of pregnancy are covered on the pregnancy board.

Waiting for a scan - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=282845.0

Single ladies bump thread - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=290936.0

Sharry


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## Holly7

Ok thanks Sharry

thats great


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## Holly7

Hi All

Just wanted to update you with the feedback on Thursday from hospital. Seems i misunderstood the term counselling and linked it to midwifes drawing attention to historical medical record reference (i;m sure you'll agree a fair consequential leap given the nature of things and hormones flying around). To me counselling means of the mind but in this situ it was in connection with downs syndrome test (which incidentally my notes said i had declined. The sonographer didnt pick up on that and its now been sorted. Much ado about nothing then. 

Lodger situation another question mark but i now think its not to be worrying about as we dont have a "nanny state" quite yet thankfully. I may have to move anyway (see note to daisy g below). 

Flu jab, hmm. I suppose as i tune in to health awareness issues I'm aware of the dangers and harm they can cause. I will do my research further on this and weigh up pros and cons when it comes to getting babies vaccinated later. i wont be taking flu jab though. I know my immune system is compromised as pregnant but its uba strong anyway. I never had flu in my life and rarely catch cold. Last time i was vaccinated as a requirement for work (Hep B) i was ill for 3 weeks from the day after with some unknown virus like illness. It was quite severe and as i said very unsual for me. i cant know for sure it was directly related as i took a flight on holiday the next day and could have been the air con but you'll see why its put me off vaccines as their is strong evidence to suggest their harmful effects. I will however spend some time soon researching it before making final decision as i accept i catch flu and it harms babies.. say no more. jury still out. 


DaisyG, thanks for your post earlier and all the info. I was just sending you a PM there till the thread situation was approved but couldnt send anyway as your inbox is full. As i was just sending it i seen Sharry's message so here it is:

Hi DaisyG

Thanks for your message on the thread! Thanks for all your information too, I’ll look up some of your pointer support organisations. What is NCT, DCN and TAMBA? Will Google later. I did know about gingerbread but got some really positive advice from a welfare rights advisor at CAB last week so think/hope i’ll be okay to manage. I'm not too comfortable with the lodger situation, not from a safeguarding point of view as i trust there is no risk there, but it’s not fair for them or the babies. Its an obstacle to problem solve as its an expensive big mortgage and i only pay the interest anyway! I’ll find an answer one way or another. I agree with you about midwives etc having a job to do and appreciate they don’t know you till they do a risk assessment especially in the increasingly dangerous world we are living in!  In my case its not necessary as I’m really good at risk assessing situations and people but they don’t know that yet so I’ll go along with things diplomatically. At the same time I’ll also wary of discrimination issues and bias in professional judgement and not naïve enough to pretend that corruption and erroneous decisions can be made by fallible and interfering human beings with personally motivated agendas so guess its about addressing situation specific circumstances and finding out about your rights if things get. 


Hey I’m really glad to hear from someone who, like me, had embryo adoption. Where did you go? It’s far less common than the double blind donation method which I think is also more expensive. I quite liked the idea of rescuing surplus to requirements embryos and unless it had occurred to me to question what IVF clinics do with unwanted embryos I wouldn’t have discovered that most clinics dispose of them or use them for research. Seems its only Spain and Cyprus that offer it for some reason. I was told by many clinics I approached that they could not offer it for legal reasons. I can also see the appeal of using an egg donor as its better matched and with fresh transfer more successful. I have no idea what my babies will look like but they did say they matched on eye and hair colour, well I have blue eyes and one parent had blue eyes the other green brown which I think means hazel. It doesn’t really matter what they look like or what their personality traits as I will love them just the same as if they were my own eggs 

Hey I had a wee chuckle when you said your boys have been arguing with each other since day dot. Is it just playful banter? Do they love and support each other too? How have you approached telling them of their adoptedhood? I’ve watched documentaries in the past about alleged identity crises that adopted children face when they reach adulthood and with this they can never know. I will definitely tell mine but not sure when and how to do it best. I know it must have been hard but have you enjoyed it and do you have any regrets?

Does anybody?

Sorry about all the questions. 

Holly xxxx


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## Vicbaby

Hi I am also 50 and will fly to Athens to do DE in March ... Providing everything is ok. I am feeling excited, live in Sydney but born in Uk . I am an early childhood teacher and have a beautiful 4year old girl conceived through DE in my class. The mum who is over 50 has recently had a son . A wonderful family who have inspired me to try something similar . In the last few weeks 4 colleagues have said what a great job she is doing! Age isn't everything! Please continue to share your story you give me hope and also make me think that if I am not successful the first time i will try again


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## morganna

there is a thread that i started a few years ago for the 50's plus!
click on the 40's category to find it.

Vicbaby...............keep going!!
M. xx


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## daisyg

Hi Holly,

I'm very glad you have sorted out your counselling confusion!

I used embryo donation at IVI Valencia in January 2006 and had my boy and girl when I was 46. I am not sure whether my children are from left over embryos or not as the clinic won't tell me. Embryo donation is available in the UK in a few clinics I think? What were the legal reasons? Was it because your children would have full siblings? (Just interested as I know so little about my two!).

None of us really know what our babies will look like, and that is part of the mystery and wonder of life!! I feel that it meant I had no preconceptions at all about my babies and was just so happy to have them. Because I am in the tell camp, I haven't hidden the fact that they are donor conceived. Even so, people still say how much they look like me! (They don't really, but it's what people see and we do completely look like a family that fits). However, my children have picked up many of my turns of speech and mannerisms and nurture plays a big part of course! I have never been asked if they weren't mine!!

I am 5.5. with brown hair and blue eyes and fair skin. My son is muscular, dark brown eyes and hair, my daughter is blonde with light brown eyes and nearly as tall as me at 9! Both my children have beautiful olive skin which they love!! Like you, it didn't matter what they looked like and they are beautiful!

Yes, my two fight, fight, fight! But there are more moments of playing together now and they are fiercely loyal to each other!

I started telling my two about their donors and how they came to be when the were about 2 (started practising the words though when they were babies, just to see what it felt like). I joined the Donor Conception Network (DCN) before they were born, and I used their books and information to help me tell the children. I also joined DCN as they have about 600 single women members, many older mums and lots who are using double or embryo donation. Have a look at their website.

You have lots of time to think about telling! Just gather as much information as you can to help you. I have had no regrets at all about going down this route to have my babies - I am thankful everyday that there was an opportunity for me to do this!

The only thing that is a potential issue for my children is the lack of information on their donors. But I am still telling them as much as I can and they are sometimes interested, sometimes not. They do mainly ask me why they don't have a dad, and would really like one! I just try to answer as honestly as I can. Love, support, honesty, security are all the things that make a happy home, not genes! DC children can still be curious about their donor while still loving their parents. Most don't see the donor as parent. You are their mum.

The NCT is the National Childbirth Trust who run antenatal classes and your midwife will have more information later in your pregnancy.

Gingerbread is a support charity for single parents. Their helpline and website are great! TAMBA is the twins and multiple birth association who are good support for twins parents.

Definitely take any support you can. It will help you!

Just a note for you Holly and anyone else. DCNetwork's conference talk on April 24th is on the subject of genes and epigenetics with experts in the field talking and answering questions, so may be of interest?

Best to you,

D xxx


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## teddy7

Where is the DCNetwork's conference talk you mention Daisy? Would be interested in going.  I have only just got round to joining the DCN.  Have daughter nearly 4, and pregnant 21 weeks with daughter no 2, both donor conceived (will be half siblings as used same donor sperm)
Sorry for short post just going out - Holly sure things will get easier as your pregnancy progresses - sounds as if everything is calming down a bit since your first post.


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## Holly7

Lovely to hear from you Vicaby, all they way over in sunny Oz. Thanks for your message, I can feel your excitement and anticipation about your trip to Athens next month. I think that there is no reason why donor transfers shouldnt implant in older ladies if they respond well to the medications and the endometrium lining is right. I see that many mums on here have continued until their dream was fulfilled.  I decided i would try 3 times and the treatment was at such a low cost anyway- i think altogether around £5k with flights hotels and meds all included for both attempts. I was nearing the cut off deadline for age in Spain so I was very blessed to have twins on my 2nd attempt. I payed attention to diet and followed the protocol to the letter. I was drinking a pint of organic green juice every day or other day for months before my treatment. Thats maybe a bit excessive but even to do this 3 times a week and not necessarily a whole pint haha, will really boost your immune system and health vitality. I've had to stop my juicing now as i feel so nauseous all of the time that I just cant bring myself to drink it just now, even though it tastes okay with some fruit added :-(

Best of best wishes and success and hope you will keep us updated. One of the ladies who posted on this thread is in her 2ww just now- v exciting  xx


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## daisyg

Hi Teddy,

It's at the DCN National Conference in London on April 24th.  If you are a member they usually email details at the end of February?

The details are on the front of the DCN website I think?  Give them a call/email and I'm sure they will give you more info.

Best,

Daisy xxx


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## Holly7

Daisy!!

Thank you so much for sharing there, I read your email with avid attention and felt moved to tears. I must be feeling quite emotional just now i guess. Its just so lovely to hear your story and its so apparent that your family make you very happy. I am also joining the tell all camp!!!  Thanks for your info on DCN etc. Thats invaluable information. I would be very keen to go to that seminar in April! I will look up all your references and agree that as much help and info and education is important. I have much to learn and find the telling to the children aspect quite daunting and would want to do it in the best way possible and be prepared for the inevitable daddy questions.

Anyway, i digress...

Yes it was important for me to have full siblings though like you i only have basic info. I know they came from a young couple with a university education. I was given their blood group, hair and eye colour and height and thats it. I didnt realise till after my treatment that some UK clinics offer embryo donation or I would have looked into it as they can trace their biological parents when they turn 18 which would have been better. Though it is what it is and i hope i will nurture and love them sufficiently that this wont be an issue for them as you clearly have your two. how nice having a boy and girl 

Blessings

Holly xx


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## teddy7

Many thanks Daisy - I will make a big effort to make it. X


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## Holly7

Teddy/Others

I too am going to try and get down to that conference in London on 24th April. It would be good to hook up with any others on the day.

I have just read the single parent "how and when best to tell your child/others" page on the DCN site and feel so much better already! It has covered all of the many questions and concerns that have been racing through my mind lately. Interestingly I had kind of came to the 'best guidance' conclusions on my own. It now seems to me, at least to be the only way to approach things and the reading and support from that network will be invaluable

Thanks so much Daisy
x


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## teddy7

Holly, I would love to meet up with you and any others going  to the conference. I live in Oxon so can get up by train quite easily  - will be 7 months pregnant by then but should be OK.  Just got to check what day of the week it is and if necessary make arrangements for my little one. 
I am single and 50 too BTW!
Teddy x


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## Holly7

Fabulous!!!!  xxx


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## BroodyChick

Hope to see you there, Holly and Teddy! I'm 38 though 
Went to the conference last year too and it was really fun and positive.x


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## teddy7

A spring chicken BroodyChick    Yes would love to see you there too, glad you have been before and enjoyed it x


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## Holly7

Hi out there

just thought i'd pop in and say hello, touch base with anybody whose still looking in on the thread. I was just wondering how you, Deblovescats (me too btw, my cats have been my babies all my life) ...hows things. Have you tested yet? I'm sending positive thoughts for you and hoping you get your BFP!!  Do keep us posted. 

A friend visited this morning (a 50 yr old mum of 6 and looking youthful and fabulous i must say) anyway she told me that the 1st trimester is the worst, until you get to the end so i'm looking forward to the middle bit


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## Clara Rose

Hi Holly,


Just want to say hi and wish you and everyone on this thread the very best of luck! I am 51 and my twins are nearly seven months old. It can be done! My girls are wonderful and they are doing so well. I am single too and twins are hard work however I have no regrets whatsoever. When I see the girls' smiles and hear them goo-gooing away I can't imagine how life would be without them. They are my whole world...something to live for! I conceived them on my sixth IVF cycle and although I spent thousands on treatment over the years it was most definitely worth it!  


Wishing you all the best,


Clara xx


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## Holly7

Hi there Clara

I'm so glad you popped in and took the time to share your lovely story! You've no idea how encouraging and happy it is to hear of your positive experience and your words of not imagining life without them- your world and something to live for, its so resonating and warming to my heart  Family is so important and have often felt so incomplete and empty at core in the past. I'm sure the hard work will all be out weighted by the joys of family bonds. 

I've actually had a bit of a jolt this morning as seems i'm starting to bleed. Its not happened before so i'm hoping everything is okay. So far its just light but thats how all my periods begin. I'll phone the ultrasound department first thing in the morning!

xx


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## Tincancat

Hi Holly 
Bleeding is common in multiple pregnancy.  Hopefully they will scan you again soon.  How many weeks are you now? 
TCCx


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## deblovescats

Hi girls
I'm planning on attending the DCN conference - would love to meet up with other single mums who've done egg or double donation. You can sometimes feel alone when attending groups with other mums having done the 'traditional route'.
My DS is now 19 months old and absolutely gorgeous - I'm besotted and have never had any doubts since he arrived about egg donation! Would love to chat to others about telling/not telling and how to. Planning on making him a book.
AFM - I'm currently PUPO - 12dp5dt from a FET - hoping for a sibling for James. The current embryo is from the same batch - I got 3 frosties (all blasts) and this one thawed well and re-expanded as they hoped. I took a test early as I was having symptoms of nausea vomiting and needing to pee a lot - day 7 got a BFN, then day 8 a faint line, day 9 and 10 - got a clear BFP - tested day 11 with clear blue digi and got results ' pregnant 2-3 wks' and then this morning day 12, got a darker line on a test, so I'm taking it slowly, but feeling more optimistic. OTD is 23rd - only 2  more days. Fingers crossed - would love James to have a biological sibling if poss.
Deb


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## Holly7

Thats great news Deb! Very pleased to hear this. I have been thinking about you and wondering. All sounding really positive. Yes i'm going to make every effort to go to the DCN conference in April so definately swap mobile phone numbers and meet up there!!! 

Teddy too and any others. Fab to look forward to. I'm told i'll expect to be feeling better by then. Bring it on.

Tincat thanks for encouraging news that bleeding is common with twins. Just wasnt expecting it as not happened before. Fortunately not coming to much and not gained much traction since this morning. Mostly brown staining. I'm er um, losing track haha. Think 10 weeks from last menstruation so embies will be 8 weeks old. Next scan not till March 7th so will call 2moro and see if worth bringing it forward.

xx


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## teddy7

Debs- yes would love to see you too at the conference - will post again on this thread nearer the time.  Congrats sounds as if you have got yourself an early BFP.  

Holly - yes bleeding common after IVF and even more so with twins so sure everything fine.  Do update us if you get an earlier scan.  Hope you begin to feel better soon.

Hi to anybody else reading.


Teddy


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## Holly7

Hi there

Just popped in to see if anyone is planning to go to the DCN conference next month and do they know the venue location? I was thinking it would be a good idea to start thinking about booking flights..

Will be great to meet up with others.

Holly


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## daisyg

Hi Holly,

I'm going with my kids!  You have to be a member though, so not sure if you are?  I think you can join and sign up for the conference at the same time probably?
Daisy xxx


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## Holly7

Hi Daisy

Apologies for the delay. I am planning to come to the conference next month but really need to know the location to book flight to nearest london airport. Do you know where in London it is? I did just join but the website didnt taken me to a member area and still no location posted anywhere? 


thanks much and look forward to meeting up on the day


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## Holly7

Hello anybody still tuning in here, just thought i'd post that the DCN conference is full and so spaces left for next month in London sadly :-(

There is one in Edinburgh later in the year in Edinburgh which is handier for me at least but a month after twins are born so not perhaps practical- see when time comes.

Hope anybody going along next month finds it to be resourceful and helpful and would welcome any feedback

Blessings to all

Holly x


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## BroodyChick

FYI Holly it's in Finsbury Park area, so around an hour from all London airports as fairly central.
Just for next year 
Sorry you didn't get a ticket (all members had emails with the details a few months before) x


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## Sharry

Ladies,

I have spilt of the pregnancy chat and added it to the bumps thread in Single ladies pregnancy area.

Sharry


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## Holly7

Can you send a link to it please sharry?

i cant find the last posts you have moved 

thanks 
holly


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## Tincancat

Holly just click on where it's says Single Women (moderator Sharry) at the top of your thread here.  Then it will give you the single sub board.  At the top of the singles board is the pregnancy and parenting section: click there and bumps will be at top of the list on next screen.
TCCx


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## 32Flavours

Holly7 said:


> As i said earlier she raised potential issues with the fact that i lived with lodgers and when she asked for their names!!..I asked her to just forget about that and she said she could not as it was a concern for babies safety. I really couldn't believe that and when she asked if it would be the same lodgers when babies are born it occurred to me that she may involve social services and this is one of the reasons i didnt consider going for adoption or fostering i.e. interfering nanny state. I couldnt possibly live without my lodger income and could not allow for disclosure criminal background checks. This midwife also challenged the fact that i declined the flu jab and made me feel bad about that. I simply felt goaded.
> 
> Now she then asked me if I had any mental health diagnoses to which i replied no. She then drew attention to a historical record of more than 25 years ago which stated 'bi polar affective disorder'. Now i have a post grad degree in psychology and can tell you that this diagnosis was inappropriate and inaccurate. To make such a diagnosis a person needs to be assessed over 6 months. This was a one off appointment at my request as i was feeling depressed. I called my GP yesterday and raised the issue as to why its on my medical history. We are talking about 25 years ago.


Hi Holly, I know you posted this some time ago and hopefully everything has settled down now - but just wanted to weigh in and hopefully reassure you. I'm a health visitor, so I can explain to you why she was asking for the names of the people in your house - it's because in many of the serious case reviews there have been people in the house that were not known about by professionals (e.g. new partners) and it was unfortunately those people who were responsible for causing harm to the child. So it's come about that now we (as professionals) have to take the names / dates of births of anyone living in a house with a child. Obviously people can refused to supply this information, and in most cases it wouldn't be pursued. Nothing happens with this information either, aside from it being recorded on the record that those people live in the house too. It sounds though like your midwife was not particularly sensitive in asking you these questions, and you certainly shouldn't be made to feel upset / victimised. There is also no reason you can't continue to have lodgers in your house in the future. Likewise with the mental health questions, they tend to be given focus because you are potentially at more risk of postnatal depression etc if you have had previous mental health concerns. Again, this is not a negative and should be discussed in light of there being support available should you need it.

Sorry to read you have had such a bad experience; I see others suggested you asking to see someone else - I do think that could be worthwhile, as different professionals have different ways of addressing things and it sounds like this midwife was not a good fit for you.

Anyway, most importantly, congratulations on your twins!!! You must be over the moon!!  xxx


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## Holly7

Greetings 32 flavours

Thanks for taking the time to explain the midwife perspective on things, its taken a weight off my mind. I doubt she would have let me go off thinking anxious fearful thoughts if she'd known. Its good to know that these things are just procedural and there is no jurisdiction, as it were, to play nanny state and demand your lodgers to leave or obtain criminal background checks etc. I have experience working in social work related fields as a professional researcher in social sciences and with the way bureaucracy and safety protocols are going in todays world nothing would surprise me. So thanks so much for your input there!

Holly xx


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## Holly7

Tincancat / Daisy G

Hello there  I had a go at finding the thread but it just took me to another thread where a couple of my posts had been merged in inappropriately with another thread.
Moreover, the really helpful responses from yesterday and my queries about C section as been deleted entirely. Its not very acceptable really and can think of no reason why the thread should have been tampered with at all as it was not doing any harm and fitted perfectly well where it was. I'm disappointed to say the least!

Holly


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## 32Flavours

Holly - Glad I could be of help . I know exactly what you mean - everything is very OTT these days! To be honest I often worry in my role about upsetting people or overstepping the mark, as many of the questions/topics are very sensitive. You are probably right that she didn't realise how it came across - I am in a similar position to you (being single and going it alone) and speaking to my GP the other day was a huge deal for me; she was the first professional (outside of the clinics) I've approached, and so I was very, very aware of her reactions/responses to my 'situation' haha. I imagine it may have been somewhat the same for you, and perhaps she just missed that you would have benefited from a little extra TLC. Wishing you all the best xx


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## Holly7

Wishing all the best as well and sorry you are having fertility problems so young. The good news is that you have youth on your side to have healthy pregnancies to look forward to. I dont know what you mean by applying for egg share and being rejected, but not much liking the rejected part of it. My embryo adoption in Spain was so inexpensive and the procedure very straightforward. A pleasant experience, it might be something to consider later. And that way you are 'rescuing' little precious lives (as embryos) already created and may not otherwise have a chance to be born. How wonderful i found that


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## Sharry

Nothing was deleted! 

The thread had moved onto pregnancy chat which is not permitted and was spilt moved to the single ladies bump area.


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## Sharry

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=290936.0


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## 32Flavours

I haven't heard of embryo adoption before, Holly but it really does sound wonderful - do tell me more! You're welcome to PM if you prefer. I am not yet aware of my fertility status, although my mum had difficulty conceiving me (we think due to an early menopause) so that is always at the back of my mind. The clinic rejection was pretty unpleasant and to be honest I wasn't expecting it (which always makes it sting that little bit extra). I have since applied to another clinic but I haven't heard back yet, and my confidence has been knocked to be honest following the first rejection . I will consider IUI if I can't egg-share, but obviously that is relatively pricey and the success rates are pretty low.


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## Holly7

32 Flavours, can you tell me what you mean by egg share please?

the mainstay for testing fertility is a simple FSH blood test, usually done on day 3 of menstrual cycle and preferably for 3  consecutive months. A figure of under 10 is super. My GP agreed to do this. 

The golden standard now is the egg reserve test called the AMH test. This is done in fertility clinics for around £100.  

I would not expect your fertility to be compromised at 30


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## 32Flavours

I hope not Holly! I think I just drive myself   with all the scenarios and what ifs. 

Egg sharing is where you do an IVF cycle and give half the eggs to a recipient in need of donor eggs - you then keep the other half for yourself and get free / subsidized IVF. So not only do you get to have IVF yourself without the hefty bill, but you also get the opportunity to help someone else at the same time. It certainly is an appealing option to me at least.

Was it difficult coordinating your flights out to Spain around work etc? How long were you over there?


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## Holly7

Hi 32

that makes sense now-phew. i stupidly wondered for a minute if you had gone straight to egg donation. hopefully all will be well with your next attempt.

very easy to go to spain. flights straight from Glasgow to Alicante at good prices. lovely sunny weather near the beach. back in march i stayed 5 days before anybody told me you were not allowed to swim or sunbath after the transfer. On hogmanay i just went for 2 nights. it was 26 degrees with clear blue sunny skies which was surreal as i'd left glasgow in strom frank and next day i paddled my feet in the sea


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## Tincancat

I can't get your link to work Holly.  Did you find your other posts on the single bumps thread?  
TCCx


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## Holly7

sorry tincancat the link isnt working. i can only find a few random posts in amid another thread. was hoping to just start a new one with same or similar title so we can just follow on and direct us to it in the pregnancy section but at this point am giving up as i'm not getting anywhere zzz

hopefully sort it out laters xx


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## Sharry

Hi

No need for a new thread all the pregnancy chat was added to the single ladies bump thread nothing was deleted,

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=290936.710

And I will leave this one here for others looking into embryo adoption.

Sharry


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## nicolajayne

hello, I have just had a failed ivf with a sperm donor and think I would be better off trying to find a donated embryo - can anyone out there help - I hope all is going well for you all! thanks


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## Holly7

Hi Nicola

Sorry to hear this, it must feel disappointing. Happy to answer any questions.

Best wishes

Holly


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## Tincancat

Hi Mandy 
I had fresh double donor cycle in Cyprus.  Spain will also do fresh double donor for single women but it's more expensive than Cyprus.  Cost is around €5600 in Cyprus.  You chose male donor from Cryos website and for female donor the clinic sends you a choice of around 4-5 ladies after you have submitted your photo.  My female donor list included British, Belgian and Greek ladies.  My friend was offered Swedish and Danish ladies so quite an international choice.  In Spain both donor are chosen for you by the clinic with no choice.
TCCx


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