# Home study - who takes the adoption leave!



## rebeccas (Oct 26, 2005)

Hi

I hardly contribute but read a lot of your messages, just gaining experience really.  Done my prep course with DH and now on visit 3 of Home study.  Anyhow, we were talking 1 to 1 today and my SW asked about me taking time off as I am self employed,  my DH and I have discussed that he is able to take the adoption leave and doesn't want to miss out on the time off with potential match.  My SW seemed surprised, as I was planning to work part time (very part time) and DH be at home full time, so potentially we would all be together a lot.  She thought that if a child was used to a female carer this would pose a problem.  Can I have your thoughts, this seems a very sexist stereotypical approach.  I stress that I am not planning to leave him to it but it is so we can both be involved as much as possible.

Sorry for the rant!   

Lots of love and best wishes

Rebecca


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

sometimes as my mum would say you cant do right for doing wrong  

you suggestion seems a very reasonable one to me. You could have turned the question round and said what if the match is used to a predominently male carer! 
Why wouldnt your dh take the leave he is entitled to ! especially as you are self employed. !

I really wouldnt worry about it! they seem to pick up on everything  

I am sure the girls on here will give you some good advice 

love
suzie x


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Ummmm...sounds like a great position to be in to me especially as you're going to be around too! I guess you can just stress that your DH wants to be a very involved Dad so your littlie will soon get used to having both of you involved in their care. 
We had a very positive HS experience on the whole, but there is always something!!!!
All the best for the rest of you HS and hopefully it won't be long before you are approved!
Viva
XXX


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I think that is a bit of a sexist attitude from your SW.  Although my DS's main foster carer was a woman he has always, and still does, preferred male company to female company so I also think it was a bit of a sweeping statement for your SW to make.

My DH and I share the childcare and have done for the last 2 1/2 years.  I work 2 days and he works 3 days.  Our SW's have always thought it was a great arrangement.  For both adoptions we did take some time off together, 6 weeks for the first and 4 weeks for the second, so that the children could get used to us both but after that we resumed our normal working days.  Our argument, like yours, was that there would always be a parent at home with the child, in your case mainly your DH.  I think that your will find the panel consider a stay at home parent (whatever the sex) to be a big plus point.

I've definitely noticed the benefits more this second time around.  Because we got our DD at a younger age (7 months) we later hit the clingy period that babies go through around 9 months.  She is more clingy to me but will happily go to her Dad if I'm not around.  If he had not been involved as much in her daily care I think that would have not been the case. 

Does your SW have concerns on how the two of you will adjust to the roles, is she worried that you might have to resent working and want to spend more time with the child/children or that your DH might feel a bit restricted at home with the kids?  I suggest if she brings it up again ask her to clarify what her fears are and then answer them.  It sounds to me like you have a very good plan in place and she is totally wrong to suggest otherwise.

Good luck with the rest of your HS.

Cindy


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

If you husband is able to take the paid leave, why not??

It is so short sighted of your SW to see it this way, after all you and you dh are doing this for the child's benefit.

Hope you get an arrangement that works well.

Good luck
Karen x


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## rebeccas (Oct 26, 2005)

Thanks everyone for making me feel like a normal potentially good adoptive mum and dad!!  We have decided to go ahead with that plan and the SW will need to account for this in her report.

Hope you are all okay.  Home study going well

Love Rebecca


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hi all, just wanted  to share my view, when me and my partner had our office interview we were asked who would be on adoption leave and my partner immediatley said that i should go on and that i would be the main carer so he could still carry on and earn pennies to support us all. To me that meant alot as i know he cant wait to be a daddy again .
Hope it is all going well for you xxx


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

Claudia just letting you know the posts your commenting on date back to 2007 so you may not get any replies. Just wanted to give you the head up incase you don't realise x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

A helpful bump, as DH is taking adoption leave in our family. I had not realised we would encounter any sexism. Our (admittedly male) social worker was very supportive of the idea. The selling point is that I make more money, have more prospects (to advance), and work from home (so two extra hours a day with the family because no commute).

DH is also better with household things, and I am better at providing emotional support (a "carers carer"). 

The alternative would be me missing out on job opportunities and losing touch with the industry... us missing DH for an extra 2.5 hours a day as he commutes to work.... The house becoming a tip... Etc etc.

I also have flexible hours, lots of holiday, parental leave, and so on. It seems like a no brainer that our family is better off this way.


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

<appreciate this is an old thread> HSM, funny, we mooted the idea of mr c taking the adoption leave at one point, as his package was really generous whereas mine (at the time) was statutory only. the look and horror the SW expressed, you'd think i'd suggested sending the child down a mine or something. ridiculous, this is 2013, not 1959.  glad your SW is supportive though 

anyway, think mr c is regretting my offer to go back to work and let his be a SAHD as he's due back at work tomorrow and really doesnt want to go!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

While I realise this is an old thread, and for fear of playing devil's advocate, I don't necessarily feel that the attitude is sexist, it's simply acknowledging the reality that for some children, having a main carer who is male will be difficult.  The same could be true the other way of course, for some kids they will be used to a male main carer, but a lot more will be used to a female main carer, and for some of those, making the switch could be really tough at an already very tough time.  

We have had two children placed from very different situations and with very different backgrounds.  

Wyxling came from a background where she was exposed to a lot of domestic violence, and fighting between b/m's partners.  She then went to a foster placement where the only carer was female.  We were told that Wyxling was wary of men, which ended up being a massive understatement.  She was scared of having a man caring for her and it made things really difficult, even with me as the main carer.  With a background like that, an arrangement like the one you're talking about would clearly not be in a child's interest.

Bladelet came from a foster placement where the carer was female, but her husband lived in the house too and looked after him sometimes, and played with him and spent a lot of time with him.  The female foster carer did all the bathing, bedtime, feeding etc and most of the changing, however.  Bladelet's reaction if my husband takes him for a bath is so bad we've stopped even trying.  The state he works himself into is just awful.  He cries the whole way through if hubby puts him to bed, he's just not happy with a man caring for him yet.  We're making progress, but he's very, very clingy with me.  We both feel that this won't really improve until he's old enough to understand a bit better that Daddy is here to care for him too.  He's just a baby at the moment and when it's not Mummy, he's really not happy.

HSM, It could be that DH being the "stay at home" parent will make you an unsuitable match for some children.  If you're matched with a child who really does need Mummy there and you're having to walk away to work, even in the house, it will make things incredibly difficult for all of you.  The guilt I feel going in the kitchen to cook dinner is bad enough, when Bladelet throws himself on the floor sobbing because I've left him with Daddy, and that could be really tough for both parents as well as the child.

I'm sure having both of you in the house will make you more a desirable match to some SWs and for some children.  It's a clear advantage over having one partner off in work hours from home, just in little things like being able to eat meals together and not being a long way away if things do get tough.  But, it may also make some SWs feel you're an unsuitable match for some children.  For many children I'm sure it won't be a big issue, as for many SWs, after all single males (although very rarely, I'm told) and same sex male couples adopt and are matched with suitable children.  But I think that's all part of the matching process, and it is something that's going to be a consideration.

All the best,

Wyxie


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

ooppps thanks adoptiondreams x


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

thats really nice to know Katie C that your DH wants to stay at home. Its good to see information on dads as well as us want to be mummies x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

wyxie, i've also read the opposite. so if a child was neglected by their mother, say, they may be wary of females. so a main male carer would be seen as a massive plus


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

I'm self employed too (photographer) and my husband got 6 months paid leave from his job so he took the adoption leave as it worked for us. I only had a few jobs I had to do including an all day wedding 2 days after our son came home as I had that booked a long time ago. It was never a problem for us, we were honest with the sw's and they had no problem with it. It was fab bonding for my eh and ds. 


Hard to give up work completely when you are self employed and I don't see why the male can't be the primary career if it works for you.


P x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Wyxie, I absolutely see your point, but I also know you will understand my giggle. DH is more gentle and motherly than I am, so if the children run to me it must only be the breasts!   j/k but we really do break so many gender rules. Also, with my accent and cultural background, I won't ever remind kids of any previous caregiver (good or bad). I will be using all of it to my advantage! I'm sure the social workers will take all of this into account in our PAR and match.


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

That's great it's came alive again 😄😄 x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Handstitchedmum said:


> I will be using all of it to my advantage!


I don't know why, but I'm absolutely sure you will. 

Also, don't underestimate the power of breasts. Bladelet was always used to going to sleep upright, with his head on his f/c's chest. It has to be noted that his f/c was significantly better endowed than I am. Hubby quite simply can't get him to go to sleep like this at all, he's just not interested. Sometimes I can, if he's quite sleepy already, but he spends ages trying to burrow in and get comfy and then gets more than a bit huffy about the whole thing. He makes it very clear that while he manages with the best we have to offer, my boobs are still somewhat of a disappointment.


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

Just a point to note to speak to your HR and double check that your DHs do get the full adoption leave . A friend of mine at work wanted to take paternity and although it looks on the policy that he would get the same rights pay etc as a female , when he applied for it it turned out to be statutory pay only . It was very unclear in the policy . We work for one of the largest companies in the world and have amazing adoption an maternity packages so please please ring your HR and double check the ins and outs xxxx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Thanks Smudgey, good advice. 

HSDad's package isn't as good as mine but for us the financial loss is outweighed by the social gains. Anything could change between now and matching, though, so it is really important to stay updated on legislation and company policies.


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