# Please help - Desperately seeking a friend or two



## Gaylee (Jun 20, 2009)

Where do I start? The name as you know is Gayle. I'm 45 but don't look it although my biological clock is obviously feeling that age! . This year  I hoped would be the best yet when I might finally be pregnant and have the best present ever. But that was not to be.

I have been with my partner for 9 years. We have a lovely home, good jobs, great friends and a loving  family. The only cloud on our silver lining is that despite being friends for years we only got together in our late 30s. I very quickly knew he was Mr Right and the man I wanted children with. But he is not a quick decision maker - in fact, as an engineer, he analyses and weighs up the pros and cons of any decision faced with. So it took 4 years of discussion before we decided to try for children. I can recall this image of Father (or Mother) Time with all the sand running through my biological clock while he was making up his mind. For years it was never a YES or NO but a NOT YET. I stuck with it because I love him to bits and I so want a child.  While waiting for him to decide it often felt like running a marathon and just when I got to the finish he would move the post another 100m! We have now tried naturally and unsuccessfully for 4 years. Tests have produced a normal result and as I am now 45 IVF is no longer an option.

Just over a year ago my doctor suggested egg donorship - which seemed the answer to my dreams.  We had initial counselling and after a LOT of discussion went on the 2 year waiting list for a donor.

In August I got the phone call I almost never expected. We were at the top of the waiting list and they had a suitable donor. I was ecstatic. We had a week to decide. In my happiness I  failed to see my partner was not sharing my jubilation. When challenged 4 days later he said "it was not a good time in this economic clime" and he did not need any more "issues" in his life. With those words I lost it and told him to get out and stay out which he did for 3 days. I was frantic with worry as I had no idea where he was and no response to my texts/messages.
He did eventually return and we talked. We had to say "no" to that donor which hurt but I knew we had to resolve things as a couple and agree fully on such an important life choice. Since then he said he needed a month apart to try to decide what he wanted. This we did. The eventual decision was not the one I hoped for or expected. At his suggestion we stayed on the waiting list but after 6 months of once again hoping and dangling, him talking to other men who had been through it and another monthe apart it was a final no.

I am not sure how I will get over being so close to the chance of pregnancy only for the man I love to take that away. I just so wish he could have said no before we went on the waiting list rather than on reaching the top. Having come so close I had imagined being pregnant by Christmas, sharing the news with family and friends in the New Year and how 2009 would bring me the best present ever. I can honestly say it has been the worst year of my life.

The irony is that in all this my lifeline as well as family and friends has been my job. Although I cannot be a parent I know I am a very good teacher who hopefully leaves an impression on every child I teach. My partner is going through a heck of a mid life crisis and is not happy at work and does not seem to know what he wants. This makes his decision even harder to accept. I worry he may regret it a few years down the line. He will still be able to have children then but my time is running out. We have talked time and again about our future and where we go from here. I was prepared to face a childless future and move on with him. But he will not marry me and keeps saying he wants to go back to how things were. He cannot get that relationships move forward not back and says he wants more freedom to do what HE WANTS and less pressure!

I am so scared of the future and how I will feel when something happens to my parents or when family members and friends get pregnant. It is a wound I feel will never heal and the person I most want to talk to is the one who said "No". I am not a bitter person but I do feel some resentment - I know if I dwell on this and let it fester it will ruin any future happiness I have with my partner. But I am not able to suppress my feelings and yearning for children. He has finally made up his mind and wants to carry on as normal but I feel as if my life has taken a HUGE swerve in the wrong direction and I have so many suppressed feelings I so need to let out.

I feel so alone in this particular situation as I just wish I could have had the chance egg donorship offered. If the treatment had not worked yes there would be HUGE pain and hurt but we would have tried and for some external reason it would not have been meant to be. That I feel although hard I could accept.

We were going to talk and come to a final decision about where we go from here last Sunday. He went out with his mates on Saturday and stayed out. I got a text at 1am to say he was going to stay over with a friend and was it ok. I texted back to say no it wasn't. Since then he has not been in touch, his number is unobtainable and he will not even tell his parents where he is. I now know the decision is mine but cannot even notify him. Just feel I have now lost everything.


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## rushdengal (Jun 8, 2009)

Hi,

reading that i had to reply, but i honestly don't know what to say.  I don't think I'm the right person to give advice, i've not had similar experience and i often see things in black and white (so I'm told) so may not help anyway!  I'm sure there are many wise people on here who can help though.  All i can say is i hope you get all you dream of and don't have to compromise because of someone else, put yourself first.

Helen


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## Stalyvegas (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi Gayle

Im afraid I dont have any relatable advice either - but couldnt read and run. What a terrible situation to find yourself in    .

It reads to me like he thinks the relationship is over, but doesnt want to be the one to say it - he is pushing you to do the deed. It must have been more frustrating and distressing than I can imagine to get to the top of the list and then have this happen. 

Im sure that others will be along in while with some good links for you    - blew you some bubbles to get your started.
Take care
R


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## Rusty06 (Oct 25, 2007)

Oh Gaylee

reading your post my heart goes out to you it really does. I could identify with some of what you said as my partner took a long time to come round to the idea of having children so by the time we started trying it was too late for my eggs. We have just had a negative result form DIVF but fortunately for me he inow wants a baby almost as much as I do. 

It does sound like you both want quite different things it is hard I think sometimes for the men in our lives to understand when that maternal urge comes into our lives especailly of they are happy with life as it is. I guess it may be that the choice you have to make is children or your partner. Lots of ladies persue double donation to get their longed for baby and go down the single motherhood route. Is that something you feel you could do? If not the option would be to choose your partner and a life without chidren. Sorry to be so harsh but it seams like those are the options for you and only you can decide unless of course your partner has a complete change of heart and decides he does want children. I think you are right in saying that the worry is that a man can say no to children in his 40's but in his 50's change his mind and go on to father a child whilst we haven't got that option. Even if though there is the option to use donor eggs there are big pressures from society for women who chose to start motherhood 50 plus, good luck to them I say but thats not the way everyone thinks.

I am not sure if I have been of any help but just wanted to reach out to you and say I am happy to chat to help you work through this difficult time.

Love Rusty


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Hi Gaylee

I am really sorry to read your story and of the situation you now find yourself in.   I think that Stalyvegas has said it already, it reads to me like your partner feels the relationship is over and you know you now need to move on. I myself was in a relationship with someone i thought wanted the same as me but then ended it in a really horrible fashion. It took me a lonmg time to get over it and he, and my recovery time, were a complete waste of life. I thought we were meant to be together and loking back now, we would never have worked and he was not the one for me. Anyhow, i am supposed to be offering you support, not waffling on!!

Time is a great healer but I know you feel that you do not have time on your side. Perhaps you would consider the route to motherhood on your own? Do you have the support of family and friends close by?

Good luck with whatever you choose and i am sorry you are in this situation. Any time you want to chat you know where we are xx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hello Gaylee, welcome to Fertility Friends.

Firstly massive hugs for you for the situation you find yourself in. 

I can't imagine how hard an emotional journey you must have had having hope and having it pulled away from under you like this, and especially so from someone whom you clearly love very dearly and have given so much of your life to.
I hope you don't mind but I am going to be quite blunt and hope you understand I have only your best interests at heart. Your partner comes across as someone who wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants the safety and security of a relationship but not the commitment and repsonsibility of one. 
I think your partner has been incredibly unfair to you over the years and more so now. He has a clear pattern of behaviour for avoiding commitment and running away from important issues. It's possible that he really does not know what he wants (baby, you, batcchelor lifestyle, or not) but after all this time and all the patience you have shown waiting for him to "decide" then I think he should have the decency to be honest with you now, as best he can. And you have every right to want to have some stability in your life and a clear path for your future. It seems like that is unlikely yo happen as things continue and perhaps it is a case of you starting to assert your needs more and telling him that he needs to get into line with what you want and not keep expecting you to aquiesce to him. If it was a simple case of him deciding no children and you accepting that and living the best and happiest child free life together that would be one thing but... it seems to me that won't be the case as things stand and he carries on showing the same behaviour traits he has done all along. It might be that your unhappiness at the decision to live child free is still very raw and hurting and he finds that hard - he wants the old you back but, as you rightly say, things - you - have changed and that can never be. It doesn't mean the new you has to be someone he doesn't like though but that is always a possibility you may have to accept. He also needs to respect your right to grieve for the loss of the children you may never have. I get the feeling some of the source of his unhappiness right now is that you are unable to let go of the idea and perhaps need to talk about your feelings around it and he, perhpas, just wants you to forget it. You can't - not yet, you need to work through your emotions and come to terms with it and that is perfectly ok. He's the one being unreasonable expecting you to.

As hard as it might be to accept, you may find that it is impossible for you to move beyond your desire for children and you may find you still want to try. Here's one option, and one I'd be tempted to do in youe situation (although, obviously, you are th eonly one who knows what's right for you). You could tell him that you are going to continue to have treatment as if you were a single woman using donor sperm and give him a deadline by when he needs to decide if he wants to be part of your family or not. If he comes round, great, he can be the father, if not, then you could use donor sperm and go it alone. The simple act of giving him that ultimatum might give him the jolt he needs to stop dicking you around and make a decision on what he wants. If he doesn't want that and you do then so be it. It won't be easy and you might have to decide between your relationship and a child but maybe that's the decision you need to make. It could be that your relationship is already beyond saving but, again, tyhat's something you ned to work out for yourself.

I would make a suggestion that you go and read a good book called "Beyond Childlesness". It's by two women (Rachel Black and Louise Scull) who, for differing reasons, found themseleves facing a child free future against their own desires. In the book it examines various stages of finding out, dealing with emotions and coping strategies. There are many quotes from others in the book in all sorts of situations. I read it after my 5th IVF cycle, which I thought at the time was my last, and when I was facing a child free future. I found it quite a difficult read - I had to keep stopping because it was so hard and brought many tears - but ultimately very rewarding and uplifting. Rachel's story, in particular, is slightly similar to your own. 
You can find more information on the book here: http://www.beyondchildlessness.com/

I would also suggest that you might benefit from some counselling, both on a personal level and as a couple (relationship counselling). Obviously, the second one will require your partner to agree to and you may need to make some ultimatums to test his willingness to rescue your relationship. If you take it right down to the crunch, give him a deadline and some demands... if he really wants you, he will agree to work at saving your relationship. 
You can find some information about counselling here:

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

And you can find some information about relationshiup support/counselling here:

http://www.relate.org.uk/

Ultimately, what you decide to do is up to you, but you need to stop the pattern of letting your partner dictate the terms of your relationship and you need to address the issues you have with having children, either through trying to conceive or through finding a way to move on sucessfully.

Meanwhile, here are some links from FF that you might find want to look through for general information. Please do have a look around and explore and start posting around the boards and making friends. FF is a wonderfully supportive community and you can only get the best out of it if you start posting and joining in so, please do so.

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

If you decide to persue treatment:

*TTC over 40 ~ *CLICK HERE

*Donor sperm/eggs ~ *CLICK HERE

*Single Women ~ *   CLICK HERE  

If you need support moving on:

*Moving On - Deciding & Accepting ~* CLICK HERE 

You can have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*.

You will also find, after you have been here a short while and made several posts, you will see a relationship area open up for you to post in / read. It's a greta place to get the specific kind of support you might need in your situation.

I hope you can find a way to resolve the issue you have and find happiness in your life. Massive hugs to you and please do carry on posting your thoughts and feelings here. 

C~x

/links


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## Vix 1 (Jun 17, 2009)

Everything everyone has said is right I feel. I think you need to take a big breath, get every penny you have and get over to the US. A friend of a friend went over with her life savings (she sold her house - it meant that much to her and I can now understand this) and got donor eggs and sperm (and she chose them from detailed pics of the parents) and now has twins. She was 43 and starting an early menopause and had no partner. Amazing. And brave. And you are never going to get over the What if - and you have to move now, and fast. 

This is very direct but my love, you know that you are going to have to leave this man, don't you? And you should take what ever money you can get from this relationship and use it to pay for your trip. He has messed you about because he is weak and this stops now. O.K? But do it NOW.

I hope plain speaking is going to help you ultimately -I know it is what I would want to hear if I was in a similar situation. Which actually I am, but am a bit nervous about going in to it here! Do it babe - do it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Candee (Feb 1, 2009)

Hi
Just to say that you don't even need to blow your life savings in America! You can go to South Africa and
choose your donor from pictures and it is much more reasonably priced. PM me if you want some details/help!
Reading your post was like listening to myself hun! Been through very similar circumstances to yourself!
Take care and lots of love and hugs to you hun!  
Candee
x


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## Pink Sparkles (Apr 19, 2009)

Dear Gaylee

My god my heart pours out to you.  Just want to send you a massive  .

I can't really offer you any advice as I have not been in your situation.  Though I would follow your heart and like Caz said I would give your partner an ultimatum.  You have given so much to this man that now is time for you to do what you want.  I wasted so much of my life with the wrong men and it is now, in my late 30's that I am with the man of my dreams and am struggling to get the family that I have always craved, but we both want the same thing and if it never happens (although it will break my heart) I know that we both tried everything we could and we are both there for each other.  

I hope you find the answers and are strong enough to make the decision what is really in your heart. Lots of people go it alone and this is what I would have done if I was not with my DP.

Lots of love to you.   

Tracy
xx


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## pygmy1971 (Jun 26, 2009)

Hello Gaylee,

Please take the advice given by these remarkable ladies. I'm in a similar'ish position, although i'm only 37 just now, my DP will not give me a straight answer.
He had his vasectomy reversed just before Christmas 2006 and it failed. To him, he has done enough. Sometimes he gives me hope of going for treatment ICSI etc but then goes quiet for months and tells me he has enough to worry about, the mortgage to pay etc etc
I had an emotional breakdown last year. He tried to convince me and others that i had a serious Mental Health problem, but it was just due to being so sad for so long and not having a supportive partner to discuss my feelings with.

We'll discuss it next month, which turns into a year!!

I've explained calmly that i don't have the time to play with and i've PCOS.
He continues with his life, hoping that if enough time passes i'll have 'forgot' about the desire to have another child, or enough time passes that it will be too late.

We argue all the time now, and it's all due to my struggle.

Don't live your life with regrets for Gods sake.

Ultimatum time Gaylee!!  You only get one chance at this life, please don't look back and think 'what if?'  You need to give everything your best shot...... NOW

My DP's ex-wife is now flaunting her pregnancy, yes..... after she was adamant she didn't want children and DP had the vasectomy for her!!!! 

He telephoned her last year, when i was having my breakdown. Told her everything. Vasectomy reversal, me needing ICSI etc.
Coincidentally she was pregnant a couple of months later. She is now blooming and yesterday when i saw her it ripped me to pieces. I phoned DP (who works away) and told him i was upset, he just said that there was nothing he could do, as he was miles away. That was at 12 noon. He didn't contact me again until 10.30pm. He was 'busy' trying to get a satellite signal for his friend.

I get the feeling that he is subconciously wanting me to leave. If i left, then all the 'pressure' i apparently put him under will disappear.
I know some men find it hard to express their true feelings, but Gaylee you need to know a definate answer, for your own sanity.

So, take some time out, relaxation time, and calmly have that all important discussion. Please.

Good luck


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## Candee (Feb 1, 2009)

I wasted my fertile years on a man that would not commit. I would love to go back in time and give my younger self a smack in the chops, scream 'stop waiting and start living' at her and make her leave useless ex P at 32, when her eggs may not have been hard boiled!   

So you are not on your own Gaylee and Caz! I think many of the singlies on the site have been messed around by Peter Pans, who had neither the courage to move forward nor the honesty to admit that they would never be ready. So what do we do? Thank goodness we have options these days... We can move ahead. The only regrets I have are waiting and being so patient and understanding! Waiting for my partner to commit, giving him time, then waiting for some other man to come along   Well I am not waiting anymore! In January I found out my eggs were shot, by the end of February I was organising my big plan! I have never felt better - going it alone puts me in control and from now on, any man I am involved with will be giving my needs and hopefully my childs needs, priority! 
We can do it on our own and to hell with the Mr Selfishes of the world! Sometimes I read the main boards, where women talk about their DPs and how thoughtful and supportive they are and I could kick myself for allowing my ex to take the mick out of me for so long! Until someone like that comes along, I am on my own!

Anyway, sorry about the rant, as you can probably tell, this is something that I have strong feelings about!  
Lots of     to everyone
Candee
x


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## scubababe (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi Gaylee,

Just wanted to post my support to you - I've just read your post and can see it was posted a few days ago. How's it gone since? Any developments? How are you feeling?

I understand how you feel as I've been re-married to Mr Right (for me) for 3 1/2 years, of which 3 were spent in the same way as you - me wanting my own child and him not wanting anymore (he already has 2, who both primarily live with us but spend 3 school-days a week with their mums). I just tried to bury my feelings about it but at times it would all come tumbling out and lead to more talks and tears. Even though we have a good marriage and relationship it was still a missing block in the wall because I felt he wasnt really taking my needs seriously and being selfish, even though I understood his reasons.

I'm very happy it has now changed, but my clock has been ticking away and I'm now nearly 37, with endo and PCOS. I have no idea what state my insides are now in regards to eggs, tubes etc, and I do wish I'd been TTC a decade ago. I found out a few months ago that my 1st husband (who didnt want kids either cos he "didnt want to grow up yet") has now had 2 kids with his girlfriend and it hurt like hell. I dont have feelings for him anymore, but it hurt anyway - why does he get to have the family and I dont? Maybe his current partner had troubles and tears as well to get children, I dont know. The desire for children is such a deep ache if it doesnt come when you're ready, and incredibly frustrating. You've done ever so well to take it for so many years, and feel free to rant and rave here to hearing eyes!

Us women really do take the brunt of our bloke's whims at times, and I really feel for your situation. To mirror other posts, it sounds time for you to decide what YOU want and just go for it. If this guy is happy to stay out all night and not contact you when its a serious time, it doesnt honestly sound like he's your soulmate. Picture where you see yourself in 10 years, and if you see him still there with you. If not, dont waste any more time on him.

My thoughts are with you, hope it all goes well and you dont shed too many tears.
Sandy
xxxx


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