# Adopting a 18 month old



## CLD6 (Sep 10, 2013)

Hello we were approved in August for a child 0-18 months. We  have just been approached about a 18 month old boy. Initially we had in our heads that we would adopt a younger child, not necessarily a baby but we thought a child  would  have their 1st birthday with us. After a lot of thought we are starting to like/get used to the idea of a toddler. We just wondered if anyone else could share their experiences of adopting at this age. We are worried about him attaching to us as he has been with the same foster carer since birth, I feel awful taking him away from all he has ever known.... what is it like to adopt a walking/almost talking toddler? Thanks in advance


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## Shiny happy girl (Jan 29, 2014)

Cld- just wanted to say that is amazing that you've been accepted and are going to adopt.   i have an adopted relative and would never think of him as anything other than family.

I am no expert but i understand that secure attachment in the first year of life is really important in order for a child to be able to have relationships Throughout life so perhaps get a good understanding of what this little one has experienced.  Sadly foster homes arent always great places so the child may not have established this.  I know someone who adopted an older child (then 3) and has had a really tough time.  The child was in foster care for its first few years and speech was terrible, they now come out with terrible things (obviously heard whilst in foster care) and is behind at school.  The first few years are incredibly important. 

I dont mean to put you off by any means but it is really important that you have a good understanding of the child's past and go ino it with your eyes open.

Im sure the adoption services will be looking after you and giving you advice.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Exciting times! X


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

CLD6 first of all congratulations on your match. yes shiny happy girl unfortunately some ( but I stress some as in the minority) foster placements do not always prove to be positive  but the majority of foster carers give their all to these little ones. You are right the first year is the most important year in terms of a child's brain development, it is when they form healthy attachments. If they have a secure attachment these are usually transferable although will take time to develop. 

I am a concurrent carer and have rehabilitated a little one at around 12 months old back to her mum. She was preverbal so could not fully understand what was happening. We have remained involved with the little one since returning home. Initially we saw her weekly for a number of weeks (we were doing respire to support mum), then monthly for about 6 months and now adhoc as a family friend. We clearly saw that the attachment did not transfer straight away it took time for her realise that mum was now her primary carer but she was regularly reassured that we were OK, we had not completely disappeared. Her mum noticed that she became more and more settled after each of our visits. It was like she had been trying to process where we had disappeared to and and when we physically appeared she became calmer. After she had been home 6 months we could see that she had securely transferred her attachment. She fell one day when we were there and it was mummy she wanted, previously it could have been any one of us. Two years on she has her main attachment to mum but has a very special bond with us. I have read a lot about more recent research into ongoing contact with foster carers for little ones (especially preverbal who can not really understand what is going on) and more and more the research is saying that regular early contact is beneficially and then reduced to a manageable level moving forward. Sometimes it may stop after the initial period but for others they go on to have a lifelong relationship with these important people from their early years. It also gives them an opportunity when they are older to have someone to ask questions to about their early years. Some SW are still old school and advise no meeting up with foster carers for at least 6 months. I think they think the child will just eventually forget about them and move on. It is true they will forget about them to an extent but the trauma they will be experiencing along the way may be causing huge difficulties for them moving forward. They need to learn that important people in your life don't just disappear over night. If you are happy with the foster carer and you have no concerns about them I would consider fighting for ongoing contact early on. Providing they are not too far from you have them come to you for meet ups or meet in a neutral place (not there house). 

18 months is a lovely age. It is by no means old in the world of adoption at placement. I would also recommend using a sling to assist with closeness. You will find at 18 months they do not want to sit still too long and getting lots of close touch to build attachment will be difficult but putting them in a sling and going out for a walk is great. Also they are likely to go through a very clingy stage in the first couple of weeks. They will have begun. to realise that their foster carer has disappeared and they will be worried if they let you out of their sight you might do the same. So a sling will allow hands free to do a few necessary jobs. Have a look to see if you have a local sling library. They will give specific advice for your needs and you can hire them to try rather than spending a lot of money on something that you don't get on with. If you don't have a local sling library (Google it) pm me and I will advise some brands/types that you may want to try. There are a couple of places that do hires online.

hope all goes well. Look after yourself during intros and in the early days. Use your support network to do meals, cleaning, washing etc. to free you up to concentrate on the little one. Don't be afraid to keep everyone at bay for a few weeks to build the attachment with the little one. There will be plenty of time for them to get to know the lo, love them and spoil them. It the early days are all about you as a family unit. Exciting times.


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## CLD6 (Sep 10, 2013)

Thank you pink lady for the reply and all the advice especially the sling that is a great idea. I am also more than willing if possible to maintain a relationship with the foster carers as I can see this only as a positive. We are meeting them next week , I am really looking forward to learning more about the little boy.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

OP- to answer your actual question at 18 months I would be thinking baby.  Although at 18 months you might think that a lot of the "baby stuff" is behind them (e.g they will have mostly done teething and weaning) they really are still babies at that age.  Although they might be striving for a bit of independence I would be thinking younger and trying to ensure you spoon feed baby, hold their bottle for them when feeding, carry around in a sling (as advised) and try to foster a dependence on you.  

Consider having baby sleeping in your room (even if they are in their own room at fc) and make sure one of you (I think you said you were a couple) is in the room at first even when baby is sleeping.  When our pixie came home for the first month there was literally not a second when one of us was not in the room with him (sounds a bit OTT, I know but it means that baby us getting the message from the get go that even if they open their eyes for a second, one of us would be there.  Consider co-sleeping for a bit if that works for you and your family.

Ignore, ignore, ignore well meaning friends or health visitors who advocate anything like controlled crying or use phrases like "rod for your own back" or "spoiling baby".  Plenty of time to foster a bit of independence once they have learnt to depend on you, if that makes sense!

I would also advise minimising visitors to your home- encourage your baby that this is a sanctuary for just you.  Meeting a small number of close family members and friends in the early days (and it can be tough on people who are so excited for you and just want to support you) is probably ok but is best done in a neutral location like a park.  Try and discourage other people from picking up, holding or cuddling baby and all care type tasks should be done by you and your partner- a polite no to anyone else wanting to feed or change or comfort baby.

If you need any help with explaining this to family AUK does a lovely little book called "When I Arrive".

On another note, going contact with foster carers is not always the right thing for a child and neither is immediate/early contact.  Young children can find it very confusing, particularly those who have had respite.  Three weeks in, say, might set a lot of your good work back to square one in terms of building bonds.  Whereas with an older and verbal child it might provide reassurance.  You will be in a position to decide what you think is best once your child comes home.  I know a great number of people (both on forums and in rl) who have had a terrible experience with foster carers and where the behaviour and care has been such that it would not have been int he best interests of the child for them to have had ingoing contact.  I would say this should be balanced against people like my husband and I who were lucky enough to adopt a child who had a WONDERFUL foster carer who literally could not have done a better job looking after our baby, to whom we are very grateful and with who we have ongoing contact.  There are no absolutes in adoption- you need to see what is best for your child.

Good luck!


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Our LO was 16 months at placement and very much felt like a baby. He did find the transition stressful and it was heartbreaking to see that, but he has attached to us very well and is now a happy, healthy little 3 year old who brings us so much joy. I agree with Barbados girl - this is definitely an age to go full on with everything that might help building attachment. We had Cub in a sling, stated with him every night til he fell asleep and were ultra responsive to his needs. Good luck!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Our daughter was 19 months at placement and much as I wanted to baby her she was fiercely independent and would have none of it.  She fought me, and I was not Mummy, and was not allowed to be Mummy.  I'm still not a lot of the time and she's nearly 7.  My son at that age was still very much a baby.  It just depends on the child.!  Keep an open mind and ask a lot of questions.


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