# don't know what to do...



## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

I have been lurking round the adoption boards on/off for over a year. I really don't know what to do. I am really interested in adoption.
As you can see from my signature, I have had 3 icsi tx's and 2 natural pregnancies all 3 pregnancies have resulted in miscarriage. I have had nhs testing for miscarriage that suggests all is ok.
My Consultant has advised ttc again.
We are now ttc naturally again. My dilemma is I cannot see myself carrying to term, I can't even see that I will get pregnant again, let alone it grow to a bump and deliver a baby. I try so hard to visualise but I can't. However I look on the adoption websites and this forum and I get so excited about adoption and I can see us having a little boy. I don't want to give up ttc too easily and do want to give it one more chance. I'm just so confused. Dh isn't ready for adoption. I'm just feeling a bit frustrated going around in circles. We have been ttc for almost 7years now, when is enough enough? Sorry if this isn't really in the right section. I just don't know where I belong!
I guess I am looking for everyone's experience on deciding when to go ahead with adoption and how you knew you were making the right choice, how did you thro yourself in to getting the ball moving rather than just thinking about it. If I am honest I have been thinking about adoption for over 2years and I don't feel any nearer to making that leap.
So sorry for waffling on


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

I'm sorry you've been through so much!

Our story is a little different. I have PCOS and at 17 I had an infection caused by PCOS in my womb which left scarring all over my womb so was told then the chances of me getting pregnant, let alone carrying full term were very slim. After we got married 3 years ago we have ttc a little bit of a go (basically stopped using protective) and nothing. Because we've always known about my medical issues, adoption just fell into place naturally. Started the process a year ago, finally doing our home study now. Panel is set for September so hopefully a little one won't be far behind.

I think if you are just ttc naturally, now is the time to just concentrate on being a couple. I've got friends who've been through all the trauma of ttc/mc/ivf etc and it takes a lot out of you as an individual and a couple.

Good luck with what ever you decided. This forum is a good place to rant and get advice!

xxx


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

Its a difficult one. We waited rather a long time,  until I was 42 in fact (we didn't start trying until I was mid thirties). I guess I still hoped I would get lucky as my infertility was unexplained and I had suffered a miscarriage. so knew it wasn't impossible for me to get pg. It sounds like you are not ready yet. You still have plenty of time. You never know you might get lucky but otherwise I imagine there will come a point when you feel you have had enough. As for getting started you just take it one step at a time beginning with a call to your local la or va but you need to be ready to move on. I will say that adopting is the best thing I have ever done. Good luck.


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Hi, I suppose I've always felt I would adopt. In my little mad world of Maisyness I always imagined I'd have two children then when they were in their late teens adopt. Multiple losses, stupid amounts of surgery and five rounds of ICSI later and the biological children never appeared. Now I have absolutely no belief taht I will ever have a biological child, yes at times its hard but I know taht there are children out there who need a mum like me. I know it will be an absolute fight to get them but bring it on. My only regret now is that I wasted so much time and money chasing IVf when it was never going to work. Everyone told me I had more chance of winning the  but I just carried on, stupid Maisy hey.

Good luck with what you decide, sounds to me like you're not ready to let go yet, you'll know when you will because one day like me you'll be just sick of the fact that IVF is stopping you getting on with your  life.

Maisy


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We set ourselves a time limit - we said 5 years after starting to try for a family, we'd go for adoption if we had had no luck. I was crossing my fingers we wouldn't need to, but around the 4y 6mo mark I just knew that it was time, and we emailed the VA we ended up adopting through.

Would your husband be happy with that kind of limit, do you think? That you'd give it until X date (a specific age, or wedding anniversary, or time you've been trying for)? Or do you feel you aren't ready yet either?


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thankyou so much for the replies. 
It's more DH that's holding me back but also our finances and house isn't ready either. Me personally, I would be ringing the agency's this afternoon.
Infact looking back, it's actually 3years since I started getting more info about adoption. I have researched the forums, web pages and read all the books that the library can get hold of.

We have kind of made a plan to give ttc ago until the end of the year but DH is not a big plan maker so I can't get a commitment from him after that. I want to know what will happen if this happens and that happens but DH is content with just saying, we will ttc til the end of the year then see what happens! Aggggh!
In one sense I feel I am ready but in another perhaps I am not, I just don't know. I am wondering if not being accepted due to finances, house not being fully heated blah blah blah is playing havoc with me. I am just terrified of being knocked back and although I think I am ready....I don't think our situation is ready for a child. Does that make sense?


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## ChickenLegs (Feb 3, 2013)

Hi Billybeans    Deciding when to stop ttc is a big decision. I'm in my forties now, so I feel like the decision was partly made for me, but I was definitely ready to say that I only want to adopt, and I'm happy to use contraceptives. Do you think you are at that stage yet? Don't force yourself if you haven't come to terms with it.

As for the house, well if DH isn't ready you could spend the rest of the year getting that up to standard. However you welcome your child home, you want heating I should think.


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks chickenlegs. I guess although I want to be ready. When it comes down to it, I'm not. I don't want to go on any contraception and I think that would always be the case. I don't want to use things that are not necessary. I just have to wait a bit longer I guess. I so want to be ready but perhaps I'm not. This just seems so pointless though!


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Billy beans, nothing useful to add just some   x


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi billy bean
Our story seems very close, I had 2 icsi got BFP,first was blight ovum at 7 weeks and the 2nd icsi BFP with twins mc the 1st twin at 7wks and mc 2nd twin at 8 wks.  I was totally devastated and had a number natural pregnancys before that I had mc. I went through all the tests and they can find nothing wrong. The dr said try again. But my head and heart couldn't see me carrying a child into this world.  My heart told me that my life was here to look after a special child that was brought into this world just for me to look after but in someone else's tummy.  A child that needed a good loving home, so adoption was the route I needed to go down.  My dh and I sat in the garden just before or last icsi and I said to him, if something happens and we don't get a baby this way, shall we get one that needs a mummy and daddy and do adoption.? And that was that. And here we are just waiting for our match.  Just take things at your pace, don't rush things, when you and your dh are ready you will know.  
I wish you both well and lots of cuddles xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Billybeans

I just wanted to say that deciding to stop TTC and start the adoption process was the most liberating thing we did. Stopping ttc was the best feeling as I knew we were 'flogging a dead horse'.  Going back on the pill at the start of this year as we started our wait for a match was even better as it has controlled my painful periods caused by endo and I have loved certifying my decision to stop trying (which to be honest we did as soon as we decided to adopt 9+ months before anyway). I'm GLAD that period of my life is over.

You will know when the time is right, but stopping TTC doesn't need to be a time of grief, although you will naturally grieve the dream of a bio child not happening. For me, I was hugely relieved to be honest. And once we had passed panel, the knowledge that I was definitely going to be a mum was amazing. The uncertainty was gone. I couldn't be sure exactly when it would happen, but I knew it would happen. For the first time it was a definite YES.

You don't have to make any decisions yet, but maybe DH going to an adoption information morning with you would be good. I think often DH's are more hesitant; mine definitely was, but then my sister adopted two beautiful LO's and the moment we met them, all his uncertainly disappeared. They were our family from the word go and we love them so much; at that point he realised he could love something wholly and completely even though it wasn't a part of him or a biological part of my sister and her husband. Me....well I've always wanted to adopt!

Give yourselves the time you need, but I think planting the seeds and talking about it a bit will get him thinking about it, and then maybe one day he will turn to you and say 'I think we should do it'. But if he is anything like my DH, he will be a way behind you in deciding to go for it and my DH hates to be pressured so I let him come to it on his own and know it was his own decision.
x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hi Hun, 

It is so hard. I really think coming to terms with infertility is the hardest thing regardless of circumstances but I think unexplained must make accepting really hard. For me I was really grateful when we got a diagnosis of MF it forces you to start having to accepting the reality. 

We have never had a pregnancy either naturally or through treatment and this doesn't make getting to adoption any more or less painful. However I do think it makes you accept that a biological child isn't going to happen quicker. 

It is so hard when you feel on very different pages. For me I never wanted to do treatment. I don't believe in fate or being pyschic etc however deep down in my soul I always knew we would never conceive. We used to row about starting to try and I'd say to DH (then DB) you are picturing getting pregnant month one or two it isn't like that for everyone. What if we have problems etc we'll be XX years old before we're parents. 

Then as soon as we started trying I would ask him if we can't conceive would you rather adopt or do IVF, I would rather adopt I've watched someone go through IVF and it's awful. DH ignored me - these were only fleeting conversations looking back I just got myself to a point of passive acceptance that I needed to go through the motions for his sake. I also remember clear as day seeing my sister in hospital the day after she had her little boy. I thought to myself while holding him for the first time, take in everything you can because this is the closest you'll ever get, this will never be you. 

So for me I was always ready really. I just needed DH to get there too. For me treatment set me back on this journey because I was basically forced to chase something that I needed to grieve and let go. This was incredibly damaging for me and that took me a long time to get over. Most of my grieving for biological children before we even had a diagnosis / started treatment because I knew it would never be me. So I am a weird one really. 

It is hard because you can't get ready for someone else's sake you have to get there alone. I think for me (and I love me DH so much) but I got to a point where I knew my priorities in my head being a Mum comes first for me before even him. - This is different for everyone. I knew that ultimately if he couldn't get there there would come a point where I would look to move out and in time adopt alone. I never said this to him but I think he knew and it helped push him to deal with his own grief (he is a real head in the sand type he would have happily just kept TTC without seeing Dr's etc for years and years.) 

People have put the option of leaving and TTC with someone else to me as I know I'm fertile. When I explain to them that if DH left me in time I'd adopt as a singleton they look at me like I'm mad but there is no way I could ever TTC again the whole thing has traumatized me to within an inch of my life and I have rebuilt myself from that and for me there is no going back. 

This doesn't mean I won't hurt when I see others given what I need so easily but that is part of the fabric of who we are now and always will be. My logic if we've made it through this we'll make it through anything. Sorry it's all me but I can't advise anyone else only share how I got here  . Good Luck. x x x


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thankyou for all your comments and situations. I feel like you sometimes Gwyneth. Sometimes I think having children is more important than staying in a relationship but then I feel pain at the thought of loosing DH. I want us to do it together. I want him to feel the same as me.
I think he will get there eventually but at the expense of me having to wait much longer. My parents had me late and if I have children late I worry about the knock on effect, I want my parents to experience seeing my children whilst they are well. They are 70 next year and I just worry I am going to leave things too late. I don't want to waste my life waiting for something that may never happen.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

It's so hard sweetie and I am so sorry you are in this position because you are a really sweet and kind person. There is no easy or right answer. I describe my journey through infertility as trying to work out and make the choices that will hurt the least. It's a very strange way to have to live life while watching others round you choose what makes them happiest. 

I wish for a quick resolution for you what ever you decide x x x


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

I can't say I'm massively experienced in this area but have just been approved as a single adopter. The one thing I would say is that when you know you're ready for adoption you will just know. As others have said the relief at leaving behind all the doubt and thinking about something positively is very liberating and exciting. 

You sound like you have a mix of issues (ready to give up TTC? going along with it because of hubby? worried about being turned down for adoption so maybe not even start in case of rejection?) perhaps it would be a good starting point to try and drill down to exactly what's important to you and exactly what your main worries are. (Sorry to make it sound simplistic - it isn't especially in a whirl of emotions it's hard to see the wood for the trees I've just experienced that!).

Then you can tackle each one separately. 

I often find that men and hubbys in general just 'go along' with things - forever unless you do something about it. That can just be their way. I would consider what YOU want to happen and then tell hubby subtly that this is what you intend to do. Rather than ask him (sounds like you will never get a decision). Then he still has the rest of the year to get his head around it and often I find they need longer to consider things and are then OK with it.

I would definitely recommend going to an adoption information evening, there's no commitment or grilling, and I waited around 6 months after it before deciding to 'express an interest' - it may help both of you to think about it either way. 

Oh and don't worry too much about failing the adoption process - there are a lot of false perceptions out there. I have just been approved and have no central heating (yet) only plug in heaters (didn't even come up), I have not had a kitchen throughout the whole process, and they are careful to state that finances are not an issue (my LA takes on people on benefits so they say), they just need to know that in general you could support a child and keep a roof over your head. Large debts may raise an eyebrow but my (0%) credit card debt was not a problem as I showed I was paying it happily and could afford it even on reduced hours. Plus I didn't have much in the way of savings. 

So don't get bogged down in thinking you would fail until you've spoken to the people in the know - who will not take you through the process unless they are sure you will get through. They will generally sort this out on the first initial visit or very early on. 

Good luck in deciding what to do.


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

I'd echo what everyone else has said that you'll both know when you're ready. There comes a point in your life where you'll think that if you carry one doing the same things in the same way you'll get the same results. For us we'd gone through 4 natural miscarriages (inc 1 ectopic) then mysteriously couldn't get pregnant so went down the IVF route including immunology investigations, had 6 goes, 3 in two different clinics and thought what's the point of continuing down the same journey if its not giving us our end result, a family. Don't get me wrong going through the adoption process isn't easy, we're almost to panel and I have thought am I going to be able to manage children that have issues from abuse, neglect etc. however from talking to other adoptive parents you get to appreciate that the children bring you lots of joy and yes at times it's difficult, but who said being a parent is going to be easy!

I wouldn't worry about the state of your home at the moment, you've plenty of time to get this part sorted if you go down the adoption route. An agency shouldn't turn down your application to adopt because of this and if they do then they're not the right agency for you and you need to try others. It sounds like you've done lots of research, but can I recommend that you try and speak to other adoptive parents about their experiences? This will give you and your DH a different perspective on what adoption is about. Perhaps your husband is not keen on having older children and only wants babies, if this is the case then there are more babies then ever in the care system now, however as you'll find out if you go through the adoption process, the risk of the unknown is so much greater with babies, the medical examiners will not be able to give you a full picture of the outlook for babies as they're too young in their development cycle, bit this may be a risk that you're both willing to take. 

There is also nothing stopping you from finding out more info about adoption, just because you make some enquiries or go to some information sessions doesn't mean that you're committing to adoption. It's a chance for both you and your DH to evaluate whether its the right route for you. Perhaps that's how you can "sell" it to your DH? Don't underestimate the time this will take, you call around all your LA and VA in your area and then wait for their info, you may narrow down to 2 or 3 where you want to visit them on their info day/evening and then decide if its something you wish to pursue. This can take anything from 3-6 months in our experience.  

I hope this helps you to lesson your worry about the state of your house and gives you some points to think about. Good luck with whatever you decide x


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks Ladies.

Seen as I don't know and not ready to pick up that phone to make an enquiry, I am guessing I am not ready. It feels odd to say that though. I want to be ready 
I'm worried about waiting too long and wasting time. However I don't think rushing is the right thing either. I'm just going round in damn circles.
I have mentioned to Dh this morning that I want to talk to him in detail on Monday when we are both off work. I have asked him to have a "proper think" about what he wants. I will do the same.


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

Billybeans I think you're doing the right things by talking to your DH, don't worry too much about feeling like you're wasting time, all the thinking you do will not go wasted if you do decide to pursue adoption, your SW will want to talk I depth to you both about why you want to adopt and what research and thinking you've done. It sounds to me that you have your head fairly screwed on and that waiting a while will not be harmful to you. Good luck xx


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