# Dark place????



## GirlGamer (Jul 22, 2009)

Hi i hope noone minds me writing this, i just ask in desparation.
Is anyone here in this cold dark horrible place i am right now? its full of resentment, frustration, anger, hate, pain nthat cuts like a knife every second of every day? or am i here alone like it feels   it isnt just about ttc its everythnig. my adult life has always been hard work. my main prob is choices ( u know the ones that most take for granted) il explain...
i idolised my hubby at the time, wanted a baby so bad, entered the dark side for 2 years but had a happy ending for a while, then when she was 4 months old i was forced out to work being told when i said id got a dd that needed me, his mum "will have her" i didnt realise that id just gone thru 2 years of hell, in desparation wanting so bad to be with my child, for me to "just hand her over" to my hated mil so she cud have her   while i had to have 2 jobs. it wasnt that we cudnt have managed, he was just a t**t. then he had an affair, told me on DD's 1st birthday   and promptly left. i took him back a few weeks later just wanting to be a family and be happy. he left for the final time the day after our 5th wedding annivers, while sending me a card saying sorry i failed. so there i was with an 18 month old, the dd id longed for, worked for, waited for. he left enuf for that months morgage in the bank then never gave me another penny. i ended up with 3 jobs and started on the hard path of being a single mum (the last thing i wanted). but he also took sometihng from me so precious too. my chance to have full sibling for DD. before he left we did talk about another. i can never forgive him for taking away my chance, my dds chance. so ok after a nervous breakdown and treated like poo for another 5 years after he left, i got the strengh to try and move on, i did meet DP then, DD was 8, had all the usual comments over the 7 years about only child, shes too old to try again, why want another uve got one, surely u dont want to start with nappies and prams again at this stage etc. we made a start trying, slowly slipping back into the dark place again, hating every minute, wanting to die so bad, in pain etc why me? id been thru this once with ex? surely im not that unlucky? no choice again  i wasnt allowed to stop my 3 jobs i had then coz DP said, well u worked when u met me. so no chance of any time off to try and make up to my DD wot id missed out on. cud say more but il leave that bit at that. so anyway, sorta got half of me outta the dark place for a while, when we stopped ttc and i wanted to move on. was forced (yet again) into a full time job. i had no reason not to work/work part time as i didnt have a baby to look after. (apparantly) i met my new DP 2 years ago. i was with DP and he was engaged but no kids at the time, we fell in love instantly but wewre both committed so coudlnt do anything. then one day 3 monthgs after i met him he told me his fiancee was pregnant. my heart sunk so far down i had to pick it up off the floor. she tricked him into it, came off the pill, only wanted one coz her mates were havin them. . never asked him once wot he wanted. he did marry her 4 months later as was booked, that day killed me too, the day his Ds was born was well u can imagine another heart breaker. anyway i split in jan this year to be with DP we love each other so much that we had to be together. he left his wife and son ( please dont judge) in april. and move d here 200 miles away. so now im back in the dark place, trying desparatly to not let this ttc thing spoil ou rrelationship. hes havin big guilt trips about his son, dog and to a degree his wife. yet wont seem to move on form it. i wud love to cut work down now, havin put in 22 years of my own business and all the other cleaning/shop assistant/ general do owt jobs, on top of the responability of bring up a child alone for so long with no help. im worn out! down sad depressed. but cant coz shes taking half his money every month keepin the house on but dunt live in it. sure its just to be awkward. he wont push her to get officially split, divorcedc sell the house etc. so im back to no choices again. have to "put up with" a step son thats been in my life for nearly 2 years that i cant even meet let alone get close to but have to put up with the pain it causes me every time his name is mentioned. all i ever wanted was to be a family. i know i have had a dd and people say to me that i always was one with her, true, yes, but not in the way it shuda been. i love her to bits so proud, shes the best, im grateful. was up the park the other day with my dog, saw all the mums with toddlers and young uns on the swings slides etc. stopped to try and get a memory of me and DD just to give me some inner confort that in all htis i too had wot they had in front of me. i couldnt find a memory  there wasnt one. my mum turned up in the car park at that moment. so i was just telling her about how i couldnt remember. her answer was oh i remember having to stuck here hours with yr DD, she made me sit on the hill take sandwiches, go on the roundabout with her... i cuda died. i looked at her and thought(but dint say) hey uve got my memory! that shud be mine  but i always had to be out working every hour to pay the morgage to keep us. it wasnt my mums fault. she just had it. anyway im waffling! so here i am back in the dark place sad, and lonely....thanks for reading it means alot xxx


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## pygmy1971 (Jun 26, 2009)

Don't be sad, you're really not alone!

To all those that just read these posts, it gets so disheartening when you write your heartfelt emotions on here and find that so many have read it, but nobody send a reply, just a couple of words of comfort would do or even just a  

I understand totally, i missed out on so much when my DS was little, due to being with an idiot DH at the time. You can never get the memories that should've been back. This is probably why the desperation is so great now, the devine need to be able to cherish every breath of your new baby, to be in a happy place where nothing and no one will interrupt your bonding.

I am so very proud of my DS, he's the best thing since sliced bread. But, he is growing up and it won't be long before my little boy will only want his mum to do his washing!!  

Just one more little chance..... the growing bump, the morning sickness, the heartburn, the swollen ankles.... not bothered what pregnancy would chuck at me, i just long for the highchair in the kitchen, the babyseat in the car, the pram in the hallway, the cot in the nursery, the toys in the bath, the baby clothes on the washing line, my baby smiling back at me and me being the happiest and proudest mummy on this Earth.

One day.......  


So please take the time to send a word or two of comfort. GirlGamer has offered me an emotional lifeline, and she really needs the love from us all.
You can never have too much love and understanding when you are feeling so low.


 Keep smiling kiddo....... nobody is judging you, your thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal.


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## GirlGamer (Jul 22, 2009)

Thanks   yr reply and yr Pm really does mean so much. yr right in wot u say to all of it your hugs are welcome! u take care too, my john is nearly home now so both gunna have a really big hug when he gets back. thanks again xxxxxx


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