# Trying to conceive concerns



## sallylouise (Jan 30, 2009)

Help! I am having a crisis of confidence and panic this morning over whether its right to bring a child into the world without a father figure.  

My partner and I have very different characters and i know we would offer two 'roles' as such but do you think this is enough? Do any of you have any thoughts/advice or do you panic sometimes??

I think now we have an actual date to start our IVF, I am going through this crazy questioning everything. Also did anyone who has conceived through IVF have ICSI too? I have heard there is a greater risk of birth defects when ICSI is used.

Sorry to pile on the questions, just feeling very stressed this morning and need some reassurance. 


xxxx


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## magsandemma (Oct 18, 2006)

Will try not to lose the post this time, lolDidnt want to read and run, so you think it is just as tx is getting closing that you are starting to question it all, the madness begins as it gets closer, I remember thinking about lots of things, I think that so long as the child is in a loving family environment then this is enough, remember there are lots of single parent families out there too and no one questions the father role there or I dont think the emphasis is put on it as much as it is us! As my stepmum had some issues with this, but Lou has got 2 loving parents and she gets lots from both of us, and she will pick up diff things from both of us and thats great, and she does see grandad quite a bit and also her other friends daddys so she does have male influences around!   I hope that makes sense not sure if I got it down as I wanted lol.We had ISCI on both our previous cycles of IVF, it was recommended fromt he clinic as there was a higher fertilisation rate, so we went with it and have requested that we have it on the next cycle when trying for a sibling, I did have great fert rates on both cycles so this is why I would choose it again altho its personal choice isnt it as you dont know what that rate would of been if no fertility issues and no sperm issues.   When are you due to start tx?   Where you having tx?MaggiexxHope that made sense


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## sallylouise (Jan 30, 2009)

Hi Maggie,

Thanks for your kind words. We are starting down regging on 23rd April which is exciting but also scary at the same time! We are using the LWC in London. I have ovarian failure so using Dp's eggs and I'm carrying. I think we're only going to go for SET this time although fingers crossed we make it to that stage!

I think there are so many unknowns at the moment and I'm just having a bit of a wobble.  

I notice you live in Hertfordshire. I used to live in St Albans and my sister lives in Dunstable.

Sally xx


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## jo36 (Aug 12, 2008)

I think its quite natural to have doubts about bringing a child into the world where the child will have same-sex parents. I too also had these fears when we were TTC, but I think you'll find once the baby is around your fears will diminish as you'll be overwhelmingly in love with your little one and know it was the right thing. Occassionally I still think about it. I know we are great parents as our DD is so secure and happy in her little world, and family members and nursery staff are always commenting on it too. But as September approaches and DD will step into the world of school I find myself sometimes questioning it again. I just don't want her to feel so very different, kids can be so cruel. And we won't be there to step in. I just hope and pray the school is open to discussions on different family lives, they are well aware of our family set-up so hope they will be sensitive to it. So I understand your concerns Sally. But we see on a daily level how happy are little girl is and rest assured your LO-to-be will be too. Hope this phase of concern soon passes for you and good luck with using DP eggs, it all sounds so exciting!

Jo x


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## sallylouise (Jan 30, 2009)

Thanks jo. You have made me feel LOADS better.  I only had my FSH tested once because it was so high it was unlikely to go down to the required amount for treatment. If you've had a high result once I think they take this as a sign of how I would respond to the drugs. I have thought about getting it tested again but I feel we're supposed to go down the path we're going now.

It must be like entering a whole new phase with your little one going to school. I'm a teacher and I know we wouldn't tolerate any kind of bullying or negativity so try not to be too worried. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job! 

When do you think you'll start your treatment?

Sally.xx


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## jo36 (Aug 12, 2008)

Sally- we were hoping to do IUI a few months ago but I didn't appear to ovulate so the cycle was abandoned. We have now decided to leave it until after we get back from our trip to Australia, so much going on at the mo what with our CP and holiday! It was all getting too stressful, so once we're back in June its all action go for us! We only have 5 vials of saved sibling sperm which has to be used by Nov this year. So if we're successful it will be fantastic, but if not we will call it a day. We're happy with our lot. I think what you're doing is great! I'd love to use my DP eggs but we just don't have the funds to try anything so technical. I wish you and your DP all the very best of luck. Are you due to start soon then?


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

Hi Sally, I had lots of concerns about the "rights and wrongs" of creating a child within our relationship, but for me they were rather earlier (we took 5 years to get from first conversations about ttc to actually starting clinic treatment!). By the time that we were actually ttc I was more than happy that we were creating a child from a great deal of love, and that we would hopefully be able to equip our future children with the tools that they might need to deal with prejudice etc. 
But it is completely natural to have these feelings/worries. Since having our son 2 years ago, I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me in the slightest, and we've never had any problems/bad reaction to our family situation (apart from my wife's father being non-accepting initially - he adores Toby now and has become "Grandad", as opposed to denying any form of relationship which is where we started out). In fact, lots of people have commented on how happy, secure and confident Toby is (and I don't think that they're saying it in a "he's turned out OK despite your unusual set-up" way!  ) I think that because we present ourselves as just like any other family, i.e. not trying to make "excuses"  or apologise in any way for being lesbian parents, everyone just takes it for granted. I'm sure people discuss us behind our backs, just because we're different from the norm, but I guess we'd do the same in their shoes!


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Sally, 

I am sorry to hear you have had some 'wobbles'  but can I can totally relate to this.

I have had some 'wobbles' myself the last couple of weeks, as I started to doubt whether it is the right time for DW and I to bring a child into the world.  These 'wobbles' totally threw me as I and my DW have always had strong desires to become parents and start a family together. But DW and I have had discussions about it and decided that my 'wobbles' are just born out of fear, rather than real concern. I think all parents must go through some fears and anxieties before TTC or when they concieve as it is such a huge responsibility. Yet, at the same time I also think that millions of people concieve and become parents at what they would consider 'the wrong' time - and make it work.  I hope sharing my expereinces helps you know you are not alone in the 'wobbles' department!

Interestingly I have never been too concerned about a father figure. I feel that the most important thing is that me and my DW can offer our child/ren a secure, happy and loving family. There are many types of families in today's society: single parents, step families, foster families, adopted families etc and the make up of that family is not what matters, it is what that child recieves from those care givers for example love, safety, care etc. Also, remember your child will have positive male role models such as uncles, grandparents, family friends etc. I know we have discussed how important it is we our open with our children about how they were concieved and tell them how special they are because they were very much wanted and planned, and that someone very special (sperm donor) helped us create them. So they will know that their birth father, is actually a very kind man, which is a positive role model itself in my opinion. They are just my thoughts and I hope they help.

Love S x


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## sallylouise (Jan 30, 2009)

Jo36- We are starting on 23rd April. I hope you have a fab time in Australia. I've been twice already and would seriously consider living there! I'm sure your little girl will love it. I've just had some vague memory that your partner is from Oz, forgive me if I've got that wrong 

Nismat- thanks for your supportive words. I feel much calmer now about the whole thing. I think I get something fixed in my head and forget to think rationally about it. I think I just want our little one to be happy and I'd hate to think I caused any unhappiness. It sounds ridiculous i know because like you say it's love that is important. I'm glad Toby has such a lovely relationship with his Grandad! 

MandMtb- Thanks to for your support and advice. I really like your comment about the donor being kind too. Maybe having a few wobbles now and again isn't such a bad thing as it does make us face our fears and work out our issues. Gosh, I sound like some sort of therapist, sorry!


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay sally

i wanted to echo what the others have said.  i thought it must be really important to have a father figure or male role model and for ages really pushed my dp into considering us using a known donor and our friend ... we had a whole year of converstations with our friend and even an attempt at home insem with him.  in the end i did a complete 180 degree change of heart and realised the pressure of trying to deal with the triadic relationship was going to be really destabalising and complex and in the end we changed tac and ttc using an unkown donor.  it was a really difficult time for me.  but i am really really glad we have concieved in the way we have.  since being pregnant i havent really felt there is a missing 'father' in any way.  i do worry (but very rarely) about what hurdles our LO might face being from a two mummy family.  and i do worry as we dont actually have any close male friends here in spain.  although our LO will have uncles and our male friends in the uk and one grandpa here (gabys dad).

i think it is really normal to think about these concerns and worries.

i think we all do!

love aimeex


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## Guest (Apr 11, 2009)

Hi Sally, 
Right up until I gave birth to DS I was constantly changing from total excitement about being a Mum to OMG I'm not ready! My partner and I never once questioned whether it was 'right' to have a child in a same sex relationship. We have always felt like any other couple who love each other and want to have a family. We have no other lesbian friends really so DS has a lot of men in his life and his Godfather is wonderful! My Dad lives in Dubai and I don't really have much time for hi anyway and we see DP's parents about every 3 months as they are in Ireland. DS does go to a childminder twice a week and we specifically looked for a married couple to care for him and he has a great time  with them. There are so many different family dynamics these days. We just want to bring up our son to be confident with who he is and to appreciate the differences in other people. I had DS with IUI but DP is starting IVF after 6 failed IUI. Sniffing starts on monday! Good luck to you xx


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## sallylouise (Jan 30, 2009)

Aimee- sorry for delay in replying, it's been a bit hectic over easter. It's really comforting to know I'm not alone with my worries. Thanks for your kind words. You must be getting so excited now to meet your LO! Will you have the baby in Gibralter? xx

Moo2275- I can imagine swinging from excitement to shock! We don't have many lesbian friends either but we do know one other couple with a baby boy. Most of our friends have children and have been so supportive of our family ideas.You are so right about the many different family dynamics too.  Thanks for your comments. Good luck with your sniffing! We start next week hopefully. xx


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

yes we are having our LO in gibraltar!

good luck with starting tx!  hope to hear some happy news very soon!


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