# I'm new - just had failed ICSI - Gutted :-(



## tracybrewer (Jan 9, 2011)

Hi this is my first time on ff, so I hope I do this right?!  I'm 40 and have been ttc for over 10 years.  Several early miscarriages, one ectopic.  Lots of sub fertility treatment, clomiphene, follicle tracking etc.  Not eligible for NHS as was overweight.  Lost nearly 3 stone but couldn't shift last bit to get down to eligible BMI.  Finally saved enough money to self-fund.  Started last May.  Had to abandon ICSI cycle last may due to problems with dh sample on day of egg retrieval.  Had 6 eggs frozen.  Been having ICSI cycle this month, and was supposed to have ICSI on Friday, Embryo tranfer Monday just gone.  Sadly we lost 3 eggs on thawing and the remaining 3 failed to fertilise.  We're gutted.  Hubby doing what hubby's do and ploughing himself into work.  I'm supposed to go back tomorrow but just keep shifting between feeling absolutely numb and crying like my heart is forever broken   We don't have pools of money so this feels like the end of the road and try as I might I just can't imagine life childless.  I don't want this thing to swallow me up and I'm usually quite strong but this has hit me hard.  Families try but manage to breed without trying so just don't understand - most of my friends have children and those that don't, don't want them so they don't really get it either.  Feel so alone right now


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Tracy  I am so so sorry, you must feel totally gutted.  I would love to say something to make it all better but obviously i carn't.  Please take things one day at a time and except that feeling shxx is part of it.  Please look after yourself. xxx


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## tracybrewer (Jan 9, 2011)

Thanks for your reply - meant a lot xx  Feeling a little better today - although I think I could start an argument with thin air if I tried hard enough!  

Hope all is well with you


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Tracybrewer No problems i know what its like to have down days and need to just let it out.  I sometimes feel so wound up at my situation and the world around me that it just makes me feel really really angry, just like a coiled spring.  Thank god i have started doing sport again! 


I am good thanks, like i said i have taken up some old sports, eg swimming and badminton and have been doing these weekly since the new year, which has made me feel good.  Also managed to loose half a stone, which is cool.  All preparation for having another round of icsi hopefully at The Lister, going to the open evening on Monday.  


How is your hubby doing? xx


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Tracy, I am so sorry you have a failed ICSI 

Please try and not feel alone we are all hear for you.
I know it is not the same as talking face to face to someone, but ff has been a god send to me.
As like you I also felt totally alone and thought I was the only one that cant have a baby.
I know things are raw at the moment, but just take time out spend time together and talk to each other.
I f your man is anything like my man was, they try and be strong for you and dont talk,but they hurt too.

After 7 goes of IVF , ICSI and 2 m/c we have decided to stop and are now in the first stages of adopting.
We will never forget our lost babies but we have relised we need to move on and have our long for family.
I hope you both find the strength to get through this and I am sure you will, dont rush into anything and I truly hope when you are ready and want to try again you will get a BFP or maybe you might think about adoption, whatever you decided I hope you have your long for family.
Big 
Skyblu.xx


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## quelle (Feb 2, 2011)

I also had failed in my first attempt on ICSI only this weekend.  Not quite like yours as I had one embie transfered and implanted. Alas, things did not worked as planned so here I am... 
Tracy, I do understand your anger. And I am sure you are feeling rather upset, too. 
I sometimes still feeling like a mad woman, filled with grudge and keep asking why me?/why us? All around me people had no problem conceiving! It seems like it is a piece of cake for most couples, all they need to do was to try a few times and BUM! They are expecting... 
Well as many as those couples exists, there are also as many just like us. Please do not feel alone. After our diagnosis, I have find out there were many couples in our friends circle who had gone thru this and succeeded. I know you said you have financial issues and it is a real concern. However, our doctor explained to us right after our m/c that, no two times are alike, this is why they cannot just eliminate couples and try to pick the ones that will lead to more positive outcomes. Though he said it does give an insight how things might progress in the long run, every cycle is different... Do not give up hope, just yet!


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## Loulah ♥ (Apr 29, 2010)

quelle said:


> It seems like it is a piece of cake for most couples, all they need to do was to try a few times and *BUM!* They are expecting...


Maybe that's what we are all doing wrong  Sorry, after a few down days that comment really tickled me!!

I just had a BFN from our first ICSI/IVF and I completly understand how you are all feeling. I feel horrible, I can't seem to find any motivation to carry on with normal life. IVF took over my life for ages and now its all over for the time being it's weird, it almost became the norm. Hubby seems to be carrying on as if nothing happened, and I just can't do the same. We've got our follow up appt next week, so I'm going to enquire about the counsilling they offer.

Trying to get myself together over the next few months to try again. It will be our final NHS funded cycle.

Good luck to you all if you are trying again, and skyblu best of luck with your adoption route!!

Loulah xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

loulah and quelle I am so sorry that your first attempts have not been successful.  But please try and remember or think of it as a bit of a trial run!!  Well that's what i told myself, i was successful on my first attempt but soon miscarried.  Since then i have had another fresh cycle and one frozen, in my experience it is the hardest part of ivf.  But you do begin to feel better and less numb, you start looking to the future and thinking about more treatment,  but please give yourself time to except what has happened.


My last treatment was in May and we are only just beginning to think about having another go, we have used up our nhs treatment so am beginning to look around for the best clinic that we can afford.  It is tough as hell when others announce their happy news, ( 2 of my sister in laws announced their pg last week).  I struggle so hard not to be angry and negative about it.  I know that if we are lucky enough to be in that position then it will be totally perfect and all the past pain will slide away, personally that is what i hold on to more than anything else.


Keep the faith ladies and believe that things will get better. xxxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Its always so sad when you realise that others are hurting too. I´m so sorry for your BFNs Loulah, quelle and Tracy   It hurts so much doesn´t it? Coweyes is right though and with time it does get easier to deal with it and then one day you suddenly realise you are ready to take on the world again and have another try.


Tracy - I hope that over the coming months of healing that you manage to find away to try again or to move forward. And I hope going back to work turned out to be a distraction not add further torment.


I hope your broken hearts heal quickly, 
 Katxxx


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## quelle (Feb 2, 2011)

Thank you Nordikat, coweyes and loulah for your good wishes. I am definitely trying again.   Expected date of my next cycle is March/April... 

Good luck to all !!!


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