# feeling a bit blue



## spooq (Sep 18, 2006)

DH & I don't really see much of his family even though they all live less than an hour away from us. However, I would admit that we have kind of been avoiding them over the last few months as a measure of self-preservation. We went through our 2nd ICSI/IVF in March-May of this year and got a BFN. Literally days after we found out that DH's younger bro and his wife were expecting their first baby. DH's older bro and his wife had their first baby in Nov '09. As there are no other babies in either of our families, and none of our friends have babies, I guess we've kind of been blissfully unaware of the extra struggle this can be for some couples experiencing IF. So you could say that the last year or so has been particularly tough for us both. 

Anyway, we've not seen DH's family since Feb and therefore, have been able to hide away from our niece and SIL's pregnancy whilst we try to deal with our grief - I can't help but think that I should be preg and that we should be preparing for the arrival of our baby. Yesterday was most definitely bittersweet. It was the christening of our niece and the first time we'd seen preg SIL. I found it quite overwhelming however, did my best to play the part and smile, say nice things and ask questions. Unfortunately we made the mistake of telling DH's family about our problems back when they started years ago. It'd actually be easier if they didn't know c'os then I'd not feel like I'm being watched, as though ppl expect me to break down in a sobbing mess and declare that "its not fair", and I'd feel less under pressure to act like a normal happy person.

I truly believe that IF is the worst thing that I've ever had to endure, even the deaths of close relatives. I suppose its because you can grieve for your loved one and eventually accept things, knowing that it won't change and that they're never coming back. However, with IF you always hope that you'll become a Mum and Dad.

Whilst my other SIL was preg with our niece, I would buy bits & bobs and clothes etc every month so that we had a good wee stash for her arrival. I'm now doing the same thing for our nephew (we know its a boy) who is due early in Dec. So I'm not a horrible, twisted and resentful person. I do my very best but I feel like I'm dying inside.

The one saving grace from yesterday and the very kind and thoughtful gesture I'll always hold in my heart, was from my DH's Gran. She's a very religious woman and said to me quietly "Never give up. I keep praying for you." I'd never expect anyone to have to make special mention of our situation at such events to try and make us feel better or anything - its someone elses special day and the attention should always be on them. However, it was so sweet of her especially as I feel that no-one else bothers to even acknowledge our IF as they feel too uncomfortable. 

I feel safe that on FF, someone will understand my contrasting emotions and can honestly empathise with such experiences. I don't think that any non-FF'er, even my own family who have been very supportive, can appreciate that christenings etc may be difficult for me to cope with.


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## mackilty (Feb 5, 2010)

Dear Spoon_mcq,

Your post is written so lovely!  It really gets to the heart of how soul destroying and difficult IF is for some many couples out there.  I think you are great going to the christenings and being so gracious.  I sometimes feel I wear a mask, on the outside at work and with friends and family, I am together and handling my life.  But in the inside, I am so sad and feel like I am falling apart at time.  It is like this heavy feeling that is always with me.  

We just had our first failed DE IVF after 3 years of OEIVF so I can understand that feeling after failed treatment, where to now!  I wish I had something amazing to say or to say I did this and it worked for me.  But I do not!  I am taking it each hour and day at a time.  When I can find something to distract myself like a tv show, I enjoy the 30 minutes till I am back thinking about and feeling my sadness.  

I have also kept my interactions with friends and family to a minumim, I am in a bad place right now and I need to mind myself.  Before IF, I enjoyed people and doing things.  At the moment, I am hanging on by my fingernails but I am still hanging on!  Put yourself and DH first!  

I wish you all the best and know you are not alone.  I think it is great that your DH's gran was so wonderful, sometimes we find our allies and angels in people we never imagined!

Kilty


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## Yangsam (Mar 21, 2008)

Kilty.Spoon,big  ,wish I had a magic wand,don't give up girls,love,Yang xxx


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## frith (Jun 9, 2010)

what a wonderful person your DH's gran is. I know it's hard, it seems like everyone I know since I started my IF journey has become pregnant. And especially since my BFN it's a difficult mix of emotions. You are genuinly happy for them  (because you know how happy you would be), but at the same time you feel so angry and upset. It's good to come on here and get support from people who know how you feel. people keep saying to me "I can't imagine what it's like" and they can't. But others on here can, and if nothing else it makes you feel less alone.


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