# Hit Rock Bottom... can't feel any worse :(



## eggtastic (Jul 20, 2010)

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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Eggtastic,

I couldn't just read and run, though I don't have any answers, I'm grappling with the same situation (minus treatment, which we can't afford). I just wanted to tell you I think your feelings are normal. I have felt more or less everything you describe and still do at times, especially when AF rears her ugly head. My mind feels like a hamster in a wheel because it just keeps going round and round and gets nowhere. There just doesn't seem to be a solution and I really am sick of spending my life in this sort of pain. (I get jealous, too and very angry with some of the parents out there but again, I think that's normal).
Your husband sounds a great guy, like mine, who's said the same thing many times. It's hard to believe, I know but I think they really do mean it. I keep telling mine he should go and find a fitter, younger model but all he says is that he wanted me. 
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.   As for counselling, obviously I don't know your situation but it might be worth thinking about if you can afford it. 

Rowanxxx


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## Katie4 (Oct 21, 2007)

Eggtastic hun you have been through so much and sound extremely low which although horrendous is a very normal reaction. 

You have pumped your body with hormones which would make most people feel entirely crap on just one cycle, you are trying to deal with the devastation of your treatment not being successful and the impact this has had and potentially will have on your life. The symptoms you describe sound like anxiety and I would strongly urge you to see your GP and/or a counsellor. They aren't going to be able to make this go away but may be able to help you to deal with your emotions and the situation you are in while you get through it. 

Give youself time to recover and heal. There are still options available for you and your DH (who you must start believing when he says he loves you). 

Keep posting and remember you are important and special and an extremely strong person to have been through so much.   

Katie


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## Katie4 (Oct 21, 2007)

Eggtastic, Rowan and Driver, you are all so brave for sharing your feelings. Isolation is such a terrible feeling but hopefully knowing that there are others out there feeling similar will help you to realise this is normal, if horrendous.

Eggtastic, would it help if I told you a bit about depression and how antidepressants work? (If not, don't read this bit, but if so here's something which may help you to make a decision about antidepressants:

_There are lots of different neurotransmitters in the brain and the brain releases them when certain jobs need doing. So, for example, serotonin is one you may have heard of which affects mood. Imagine you are under lots and lots of stress - your brain releases serotonin to help you manage that stress and not feel too down or low. If it's just for a short time, that's fine, it releases lots but then the stress is off and your serotonin levels recover and are ready for normal day to day living. If however, the stress is severe and prolonged your brain starts off by releasing lots of serotonin and then as the stress levels continues it just can't keep up and so your mood dips and you experience depression. Serotonin isn't the only chemical involved but you get the idea._

_So how do antidepressants work? Basically they help the brain to use the serotonin and the other chemicals that are there so your mood lifts. Just to be clear, you won't get a "high" and they take a good few weeks to kick in, usually 2-6 weeks, but what will happen is that as they start to do their job your mood will start to improve and things which right now totally overwhelm you will start to seem manageable. Other symptoms of depression should improve such as your sleep pattern will start to come back to normal and along with your appetite and energy levels. _

_I'm not saying yep go for it but I know of lots and lots of people who have been on antidepressants for certain periods in their lives and all have found them helpful.(and all have come off them at the right point for them with no problems too.)_

_Have another chat with your doctor and if you feel you can, arrange some counselling or ask your DH to do it for you. You are being far braver than you know. Be kind to yourself, you have so much to deal with x_


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## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Hi,
I just could not read and run; I may not have the answers to what you are feeling hun, I just want to send you big hugs and lots of love. There are a few things that you wrote that I can relate to; I too felt worthless and a total failure, I still do feel that some days, but as you get stronger those days are few and far between.
I also felt that my DP would leave me, that he would get fed up of my tears and negative feelings; but he remains my rock and helps me through the down days, and Im pretty certain your DH is the same... He loves you for you and the person that you are, and will be there through these tough times.
My Self Esteem too is pretty pants some days; I have actually got a book right by my side called "Self Esteem - Simple steps to Develop Self Worth and heal Emotional Wounds..... If it does me any good I will let you know.  - I have only just found it, and hope that it can help with the silly thoughts I have about myself.
THe feelings you are going through are similar to many of the lovely FF ladies on here; and we are all here for reasons of a similar ilk and I hope that you do find it helpful to visit and get advice/help from here, or just come and type your feelings down and get things off your chest. 
You say you feel that you are at Rock Bottom - then the only way is up, with the help of your family and friends, FF's here and as Rowan mentioned, maybe counselling could help too
Sending you positive thoughts and lots of Love.
Take Care
Karen xxx


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## Lucybun (Oct 2, 2010)

Hello Eggtastic 

Just reading your words I identified with so much of it & the other replies. It feels hopeless, like there really is no answer but you are continually looking for one. ‘The hamster wheel’ feeling (Rowan 22) completely summed it up for me. It’s like trying to make sense out of a situation where there is no sense but your brain seems programmed HAVE to make some sense out of it!  

I wrote a post so don’t want to be so boring & repeat it all but it’s all just so exhausting isn’t it ? Coping with these feelings that just seem to go nowhere. I feel drained by the whole process. I would describe myself as resourceful & optimistic, I’ve had some terrible times (parents died in my 20’s) but somehow mourned & then found this inner-strength & belief things would turn around, just a survival instinct I guess. I had this zest for life.  Now I feel as though I’ve given everything to every element of this & there is nothing left. When me & my partner of 14yrs broke up due to the strain of ivf (male factor, long complicated story), I believed it was almost a test, survive that & I’d get my dream, it was such an awful time & took every bit of strength to move on & meet someone else...only to have a missed mc with a new partner! I now feel defeated.

Yes life feels pointless to me too...all the things I could do to give my life meaning I’ve done on this journey.  I’ve not sat back & given in...I’ve travelled, lived abroad,etc  & i enjoyed it but I can’t find any real contentment in any of it & it scares me. I feel like a dull old misery who needs to count her blessings..there is always guilt at feeling so low isn’t there?!  

Eggtastic: as for you relationship, I can see what you are saying about the spotlight, it’s as though it has to be EVERYTHING as there is no other dimension.

Is time a great healer do you think?    I realize I’ve been no help at all but sometimes knowing you aren’t alone helps in itself !


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## Katie4 (Oct 21, 2007)

Oh Eggtastic, I'm sorry the antids gave you such horrid side effects but am pleased the anxiety attacks seem to have abated. I wish I had the answers and am so sad for you. I think you are right that you are mourning and must be kinder to yourself and keep posting. Don't bottle it up.


Lucybun, what a hard time you have had too hun. A missed m/c    must have been devastating.


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## Rattray32 (Aug 12, 2010)

Hi.
I just had to send a message letting you know you are not alone in your feelings.
When my DH had his results back he was so hapy that he was "normal" that it made me selfishly wish he had a problem as well, as i have severe endometriosis.
A while ago(4-5 years ago) i felt like giving up, all my friends and family seemed to be getting pregnant and i felt really down and left out so we stopped ttc for a while, i threw myself into work and became a workaholic, even going in on my days off and working late rather than having to think about being childless.
I told my DH over and over again to find someone else who can give him children but he stayed supportive and reminded me every day how much he loved me.(im sure he got fed up wth me moaning about it)
We have now finally got the courage to go on the list for IVF so wating for my appoinment now for the referral If this doesnt work then i will have to get over it all over again so really scared of setting myself up for a big fall again.
Its ok to feel like c**p and hate everyone, its ok to cry and its ok to feel down but please please remember you are not on your own, come on here and get it all off your chest, thats what we are all here for, to help and support each other as we understand how we feel and you can be total honest about your feelings...


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## miawallace (Sep 29, 2008)

Eggtastic, I know exactly how you feel.
I rarely come on sites like these as I always end up feeling like I'm almost 'competing' with the other women on here to get pregnant, but I'm due to start our first cycle of ICSI next month and so felt in need of chatting to people who are going through the same thing.
I know I have nothing compared to you in regards to having fertility treatment and failed countless times, but we've been trying naturally for 10 years.
That's a long time to sit there and have the exact feelings you're having.
We went through IUI unsuccesfully 18 months ago, and were told it couldn't work for us as my husband has a low count and low mobility.
To know that your only chance of having a child is dependant on ICSI treatment (and our financial resources are limited, so I don't know how many cycles we can have-maybe only 2 or 3.
We don't have any children, and I have had to face the fact that we may just be 'another childless couple'.
This really scares me, and the worse thing is my husband doesn't understand me.
I suppose women feel differently to men anyway, but his outlook on life is 'what's the point in worrying as it just makes things worse'?
I've had to watch what seems like everyone around me have children, never knowing if it will happen for me.

I suffered from depression before this, but some days like you, it's very hard to find a reason to get out of bed.
I've even founing myself hating the people that get the 'privilege' to park in the parent and child spaces at the supermarket car parks.
We live in a worrld that seems to worship children and people that can have them-those of us that can't have babies seem to have become pariahs!!
As if we don't have enough problems!

I have so much else to say, but don't want to bore you any further-at least we have found others that know what we're going through and how we feel, which is a good thing.

Oh, and it may sound morbid, but my way of cheering myself up when I'm feeling like sh*t is settling down with my cats, something extra special for dinner, loads of chocolate and a horror film-I love horror films!!!


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## miawallace (Sep 29, 2008)

PS-As regards to trying to get your husband to understand how you feel, we were given a great factsheet when we went through IUI.
It explained my feelings exactly, and maybe if you show it to your husband he will understand a little of what you're feeling.
I showed it to my mum and she seemed to understand me a lot more afterwards.

You've probably seen it anyway, but here it is again:

*http://tinyurl.com/2b8ayru*

I loved this line-it summed up perfectly how important this issue was to me, and how dark I felt at times,

*"...As a rule, do not say anything to an infertile couple that you wouldn't say to someone who has lost a child."*


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