# fears and concerns



## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Hi everyone, have a happy new year! 
These holidays i was considering everything about becoming a single mother by choice.
What really makes me hesitant is that i will follow ivf in Greece, where donors are anonymous.
So the child(if i am lucky to have one) will never have the chance to meet the donor.
This concerns me a lot because i am afraid that later especially in teenage years he or she will blame me,maybe will feel very sad for not knowing her/his father. I don't know.. all these make me very hesitant to follow the procedure although i have so much love to give to a child..
What about you girls? Do you have this kind of considerations about how you will handle later conflicts with the child? All these are so overwhelming for me..


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Hi Natalia. 
I'm not single but faced with similar concerns as we also need doner sperm. 
I understand your worries
With regards to not knowing the biological father I know many people who have  been raised without knowing their father and they have turned out just fine
I think the internet/ newspapers will give u horror stories/ worst case scenario of how not having a bio dad can affect someone,  when the reality is very very different
All a child needs is a loving parent whether that be mum and dad , or just mum, just dad or 2 mums/dads!!  
I wish u the best of luck with your decision xxx


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

K Jade thank you for your answer. You are right about internet. It is so discouraging to read stories there. And it is so unfair that a lot of people characterize us  as selfish women for desperately wanting a child.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Natalia, this attitude in the media you mention makes me totally furious too: what about the SELFISH MEN who want to live their life as forever Peter Pans and waste so many women's fertile years in the process!??

Just a thought, but could you have iD released sperm shipped to Greece from USA for example?
Surely the clinic would accommodate this very reasonable request although it will add some ££ to your treatment.
One lady I know joined a ** group for parents of kids by the same donor which I think is a lovely thing to be able to do!

In any case I hope you'll find a solution that is right for you xx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I'm a solo mummy by choice !

I also conceived with ds that was anonymous.

It was a decision that I pondered over for a long time.

I do worry that my lo will resent my decision but I worry more that my lo would have had false hope that at 18 they would meet this mythical prince of a father. And all the potential heart ache. Who knows what he is really like?!

If I tell my lo about his paternal side I will  be able to be totally honest and say he did it for money and how grateful I will always be, I've kept all details I have for if this day arrives. 

Perhaps not ideal but ATM IMO the best situation. 

As for using imported nonanon ds in Greece I think it's illegal there. 

Treatment in some eu countries like Denmark allow use of anon and nonanon.

Good luck with your decision making. This was the best decision I ever made and in some ways wish I had been ready earlier in life, though maybe I'd never have appreciated every moment in quite the same way.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I completely agree with me, myself and I and share same fears about anon but also am a realist that my donor is exactly that a donor and definately not "dad" he is in every sense going to be a stranger to them.

I do however think the laws will eventually come into line where anon will no longer exist, whether details will have to handed over by clinics before a certain year I'm not sure how it will work but I'm sure changes will be implemented.

Natalia there are currently ways around it (unfortunately I wasn't aware of that when I had tx) hopefully those in the know may pm you regarding info x


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Girls thank you so much for your support. You help me so much 
Blondie it is illegal in Greece to use an open donor as far as i know. Do you know anybody who can pm me who is informed about that?


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Yes Natalia I will pm the person concerned to ask permission to forward her pm onto you x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Here you go Natalia! Avilanet has very kindly shared how to get round things http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=330592.0


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Blondie i don't go to serum, i go to another clinic, but your information is useful.I will ask them about it. Thank you very much!


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

No problem it can apply to any Greek clinic


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## natclare (May 27, 2011)

Sending you a PM Natalia x


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi Natalia,

I am a single mum to donor embryo conceived twins who are now 8 years old.  They were conceived in Spain, and I have been open with my children since they were very tiny, despite the fact that I know nothing about their donors.  So far they are fine with this information, but they do have questions, especially about why they don't have a dad.

I think the biggest thing is that wherever you have treatment, I would really recommend some counselling just to go through the issues like telling and letting go of your genes and any other issues.  I think researching and being confident in your decision is transferred through to how you talk to your children about how they came to be.  

You may of course not be sure whether to tell or not and this is very normal.  Telling isn't a single event but a process, and some people are on board with it before treatment, whereas others may change their minds once their child is here.

I am assuming that treatment in the UK is not possible for you?  Whatever you decide, I really recommend having a look at the Donor Conception Network website as there is a lot of information there and a big membership of single women like you to talk to.

Best of luck to you,

Daisy xxx


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Daisy thank you so much  for your support.  This is a very lonely journey for me. I havent told even my best friends about it because i am not ready for negative reactions. These days I will discuss with my boyfriend once again if he is ready to have a baby with me and if he isn't i will proceed on my own very soon. My amh is very low. I can't wait for him any longer.
Kisses to all of you.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Natalia have you looked into embryo banking at all? I've seen a number of our single ladies doing this at various clinics, Russia & Greece etc, it might take the pressure off you having something in the bank for when you are ready and they will still be your 38 years young   eggs when you decide to put them back.


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Yes Blondie my gyn offered the solution of embryo banking. He doesn't suggest egg freezing because of the low amh. Everything is stressful at the moment. My boyfriend, my amh, everything..


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## natclare (May 27, 2011)

Oh Natalia - my thoughts are with you! I did embryo freezing because I wasn't ready (and still I am not ready). I remember only too well the discussions with my (now ex) boyfriend. For us we spent six months discussing it, going around in circles, me trying to give up my dream for him and it ended with the decision to separate and it was very sad but the right decision. Fast forward almost 3 years and it is still the right decision and still very sad! For you I do hope that he comes around to your way of thinking, I really do. Not much more I can say except I have never met a SMC who regretted her decision but equally it is not the right decision for absolutely everyone.


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## Restie (Jan 1, 2012)

I have a 2 year old, via home insemination - 10 yrs after my fertility treatment first began.  I did have and continue to have worries and fears re his reaction and the effects of his 'situation' may have on him in life - a sense of identify and belonging are such important factors in ensuring 'normal' development etc as we know. HOWEVER, the amount of love, careful thought, preparation that I have made, for me  outweighs the potential pitfalls in the future.  There may be rocky times ahead, difficult questions and emotions to deal with - but that's the same with any parent/child relationship.  I am also going to use Donor  conception network - their resources are good.


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Natalia38,   for your situation.  


For what it's worth, my 8 year old told me yesterday that he feels very sad that he doesn't have a father and that he can't find out more information about his (and his sisters') anonymous sperm donor.  We had quite a discussion about the fact that, even if he met the donor, it still wouldn't mean he had a dad.  He is not resentful towards me, is very aware of how wanted he was and how loved he is,  but simply sad that he doesn't have a loving dad as well as a loving mum.  (Cue yet another discussion about some women preferring to love and partner women rather than men and have children - something currently outside of his experience and that I'd like him to bear in mind as he thinks through his wants and needs - does he want a second parent (who may or may not be a man) or very specifically a dad?  I'm straight, but have lesbian friends who have had children on their own and who have subsequently found a new partner).  We also talked about the fact that children who have a mother and a father may still not be happy - some people don't make good mum and dad material so the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.  Finally, we talked about the role played by various of our male family friends, who even though they are definitively not my kids' fathers, often behave with my kids in the same way a dad would.  He is, however, angry that the law doesn't allow us to find out more about the donor.  


I don't know if any of the foregoing helps.  I think it's entirely okay for our kids to be sad (or angry, or indifferent, or curious) about the way they were conceived.  No one asks to come into this world in a given way - and no one is given a choice.  There are plenty of children of rape victims, of prostitutes, of one night stands in our society where their conception is framed in a much less positive light.  We all have to figure out our own identities, and that generally takes decades, rather than is restricted to a childhood.  Just my thoughts on the subject.


A-Mx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Indekiwi, that was a very insightful post, it helps to imagine fast-forwarding 8 years with my son!
I sort of have the opposite problem, a known donor who is keen for more contact than I'm currently comfortable with because he's been so dishonest and irresponsible. So now I'm worrying if I'm right to 'deny' my son a closer relationship with his 'father', or if he will resent me for it in the future. I guess we'll Cross that bridge when it's closer by, right now he's not going to remember either way...


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Hi everyone!
I have been seriously thinking about using donor sperm although I have a boyfriend because he seems to be very ambivalent about having a baby with me.  Of course I haven't told him about my thought of using donor sperm or more accurately I told him it crosses my mind sometimes. Yesterday i had an appointment with the ob/gyn. My boyfriend insisted to come with me although I asked him ''why do you want to come to the appointment? You don't seem to be ready to have a baby with me." Then he got angry saying that I always leave him outside and I want to face everything alone. Anyway at the end I agreed that he came with me. The truth is that I don't exclude him as he says. He excludes himself since he ALWAYS wears a condom with me. Even yesterday after the appointment and after the doctor said that it is a good day to get pregnant we went home and once again he used a condom!
He has told me that he is afraid that if i have a baby with him maybe later he won't be adequate for me because he doesn't have a good salary. He has also admitted that last year he spied on my computer  and saw that i checked the profiles of men possibly exes who werent friends with me on ******** and he was peed! First of all I will not mention the invasion of my privacy and second, who doesn't see other people's including exes' profiles?  I didn't have a reason to do that, just gossip, nothing important!
Anyway, the point is that I got tired with his childish behaviour, I don't even know if i want to have a baby with him honestly! But I have no time and maybe the panic I feel doesn't let me have clear judgement. I am just thinking. What is preferable? Have a baby with a man that I have serious problems of communication with (although there is love between us) or procceed on my own and face all the loneliness this decision includes?? My ob/gyn told me to prefer the latter..


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

He sounds very insecure and a baby won't help with that...
It's something only you know. If you have the funds and family support to go it alone you don't need this dude, sounds like he's getting you down. However it's so much easier and nicer to raise a baby with a spare pair of hands on call!!x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Natalia he sounds very immature   I think you're ob/gyn is sensible to suggest the latter option to you x


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## natalia38 (Nov 25, 2014)

Blondie and Broodychick thank you for your answers. This easter i gave my boyfriend a last chance to make up his mind. He says he is confused and that i get too stressed to have a baby. You know the point is not only the baby. The point is that after a 3 year relationship you expect to have sex without a condom because that brings you closer. But in our case this doesnt happen. However yesterday he said to me that he never loved anyone like he loves me. I didnt even care when he saidthat. I am out of love. After a point you expect a relationship to evolve. This unfortunately hasnt happened. It is just stable. So i made up my mind girls. Next month i am starting ivf with a donor. Wish me luck, i am quite stressed.. The relationship will end of course but i saw no future..


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