# Made the Mistake of Reading Adoption UK Boards



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Oh no, I shouldn't have I know but I perused the Adoption UK message boards... I'm now wondering if we have made a massive mistake.

There seem to be a number of adopters who want to put all behaviours down to adoption or wear adoption like a badge of honour instead of living life. And a large number who are depressed. 

Am I naive to think that actually, some behaviours are just normal child behaviours and that to some extent we will eventually be a 'normal' family (whatever normal is) If I trusted everything I read on A-UK I think I would just pull out now.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

AuntieKatie I have made that mistake myself and sadly still make it occasionally! I have a birth child and know there is no 'normal' when bringing up children, just when you think you've got them worked out they change behaviours and go through a different 'phase'...! 
I honestly believe life is what you make it to some extent. Although we're still waiting for a match I feel sure that whichever LO joins our family a good mixture of love, routine, boundaries and fun will be essential for us to deal with any problems that come along x
I do now avoid the'adopters with birth children' section, maybe I'm putting my head in the sand but actually we made the decision to adopt and will deal with whatever comes along! Xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Ooh plus read the post on 'anyone adopted and had problems years later' for a more balanced view x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Some posts felt a lot like 'we are special because we adopted and therefore we know better than anyone who just had birth children'... IYSWIM?  I don't want to be hyper critical of anyone but it seems that some people allow the adoption to define them.  I always said, even on our prep course, that we are all in danger of over thinking things and that adoption is just a small part of the story, it doesn't define us our our prospective children, it's just a part of the journey that we took.  

I'm probably in for a huge shock but I like to think that what will be will be and we will just try to be a family who love each other.  I'm one of those who assumes the best but just deals with the worst when it happens.


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

I've said it before and I'll say it again...STEP AWAY FROM THOSE BOARDS! 


I am just one of the many who are enjoying life with their adopted children (and going back for a second one!), and simply don't think of posting because life is good and busy.  I am not so naive as to think we will never have any problems, but I will worry about them and seek help when they occur.


All the best!


Peacelily xx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me posting, but I have a biological child and before deciding to try again for a sibling, we spent a lot of time looking at adoption forum's and I can honestly say that about 80% of the problems or issues that people had queried or worried about, we had experienced them with DS.

I suppose if you haven't had a child then you may think that certain behaviour is just because they are adopted, but I don't think this is always the case.  My DS can be an absolute monster at times and say hurtful things to me and my DH. 

I wish you all the best and I hope that I haven't upset anyone for posting in this board.

X


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Its a massive step to take and one i am incredibly proud to have taken. Bubba is being a little bleep at the moment but i went back to work 6 weeks ago, we r talking about moving, i have gotta go into hospital soon, she is due to have a ultrasound scan on kidneys next week, daddy is working all the hours he can to help fund move so its not really surprising that she is a bit of sorts. We are having some terrible 2 moments but what parent of a 2 year old going on 20 doesn't have. She does also have some strange isms known as bubba isms which i think r part of who she is and her one background as none of our many nieces and nephews display them but its cool we love her to bits and deal with them. Generally  she is an amazing wonderful little girl who has lit up our lives and mummyhood is just amazing even at silly o'clock in the morning when she  is sitting in her clock talking about Mr tumble or any other silly things that she comes out with.

Good luck Xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Ugh! I did the same thing yesterday and I thought they were ridiculous!  Almost everything they described my friends have/are experiencing with their kids who aren't adopted.  I reckon being a parent is bloody hard work and as everyone else has said,  they're your family so just get on with it and take it as it comes! 
One thread I read was going on about their kid (5) doing great at school but refusing to do homework I.e. reading.  So many on there blamed it on the school for giving boring books, adoption for the child 'testing boundaries' and another said that as child had only been in placement for a year then they shouldn't push them and tell teacher to let them get away with not doing it!  
Most children I know don't like homework,  particularly when they first learn to read but it's a parents job to tell them tough luck and get on with it!  Of course you encourage lots and try to make it as fun as possible but I really disagree with 'special treatment' certainly in this situation.  Others may disagree as eacy child is an individual but seriously,  I know a number of parents wh offer bowed to whatever their children did/didn't wish to do and they're spoilt demanding and rude children who run the house,  not the parents.  One chose it as a way of parenting and is happy with her choice but the other two couples I'm thinking of are at their wits end and really struggling.  None of these examples are adopted.


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## sevsxp (Oct 1, 2012)

Our biggest problem was our SW worker.... everytime LO did sometime a little naughty, she would try to analyse it and wonder why he was doing it, and what in his earlier life might have caused this behaviour...... i got bored of saying he doing this not because he is a adopted ..... because he is 3years old.....!!! In the end when she started talking and over anaylsing things i would just nod and drift off....

Dont get me wrong there are issues around detachament, abuse, negelct etc..... but you also have to remember ALL 3 yrs old, sulk, have tantrums, cry, throw things, say stuff.......

As long as you know how to deal with it, things should be fine......


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## Becky39 (May 17, 2008)

Hi, 
I know a lot of you on here are going to disagree with me, but here goes: The adoption UK boards yes, are kinda rough. But please be aware that people only go on them when they have or feel they have a problem. They dont go on there when everything is going great, cos they dont feel the need for support then. Little things they ask advise on, big things too. Might not seem a major problem to you or me, but in their lives, it is. 
I have 2 birth children, and are about to adopt 2 adopted children. My 2 adopted children come from a large family and have 5 older siblings, whom all are in the care system. They were all neglected, and are all showing signs of that neglect later on in life. there is fetal alcohol involved, and to be honest, i get good advise from the adopters in there on how to deal with any problems that MAY occour. 
I attend a lot of Adoption UK meetings, they are run by adopters themselves who give good advise, and yes i know you all feel that its just kids being kids ... but its NOT always the case. These children need different parenting than a child born into the family, please trust me on this, when you take on an older child, you are also taking on their past life ... you may still have contact with their past life etc. Some people find AUK useful, some dont ... just be aware that most people on there go for help, but now and again u may find a post where someone is actually happy, its just a shame they dont log on more often to tell you.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Arrows - I find your comment about people on AUK being ridiculous offensive, the people who post on there do so to get help and support off fellow adopters, yes a lot of the problems our children have birth children have as well but not to the intensity that our children display!!!
I hope to god you never have to experience some of the behaviours that we have had over the 3 years our son has been with us, I have met up with some of these ridiculous people and I hugely respect them not ridicule them for the love and effort that they put into there children.


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

I am a member of AUK, I read the boards, I do my research and while I am not experiencing anything as 'bad' as some on there, I am mindful that we just never know what will happen in the future.  So for me AUK is a source of information.  Some people are having a real tough time on there, some tend to use that board and have built up friendships like on any other board rather than using more than one board.  AND YES, we don't parent the traditional way, we try as much as possible to be therapeutic while still teaching our children right from wrong etc.

However, there are also some adopters (I personally know some) that put EVERYTHING down to adoption and I don't agree with that.  At the end of the day we have to find a way of parenting our children, some of whom have been through far too much, so they can live by societies rules and expectations.  No one is going to care that a 20 year old was adopted after being neglected when he/she is up in court for breaking the law.

My DS has some attachment issues, he can be extremely challenging but having read many books and posts on various boards, I think we have been able to deal with issues far better than we otherwise would of.  So for me, AUK is worth reading but then I prefer to be prepared for the worst while enjoying better times because I know that if those bad times come I won't have the time to be searching for knowledge.

OT x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Minimoo, it was not my intention to offend. I sincerely apologise -ridiculous was not a word I should have used. I did not intend to imply that the people were ridiculous. When I said 'they were ridiculous' I meant the threads and amount of negativity, after scrolling through a fair number of different threads and finding very few positive stories -under absolutely NO circumstances did I mean the people themselves.
I too have met many lovely adopters who use FF and/or AUK who are great!
At no point would I ever say that any adopter is ridiculous for caring about their child and if I were that type of person I would never have been approved as an adopter in the first place. I have many friends who have adopted some with children who experience some behavioural problems either initially and/or later on. I have no idea what issues my child may face later in his life but I have many people I can turn to for support. Everyone looks in different places to find their support and for all those who find support on AUK then I'm honestly glad for them -I prefer to use the boards here as I personally find these boards the most supportive for me. 

I've looked back and re-read many times now what I previously wrote and I clearly did not do a very good job of explaining what I meant or how I felt, so just to clear the air-
When I said earlier 'others will disagree with me as each child is an individual' -I agree with what you wrote in your example, a parent may be experiencing extreme behaviour or an issue to a much greater effect and that is a different situation. The example I gave was for a specific issue which I have seen repeated with every parent I know and so I was writing from my experiences.

Again, the examples of difficult behaviour the couples I mentioned at the end of my comment were of those with children who haven't been adopted. I should have added to that a further statement 'hence it may not be applicable but has been my experience'.

Clearly I had a lack of understanding over the purpose of the Adoption board for AUK. 
Thank you Minimoo for helping me to see how what I had written earlier could be misconstrued and hopefully I've corrected any misunderstandings. 
Thanks to you too Becky, I think you've accurately summed up and helped me to understand things a little better.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Arrows - have to admit to only reading the 1st part of your post and being so annoyed shot off my reply there and then. All these forums have a perpuse for us to help support each other and thank goodness for them, I have always said that sometimes words do ot come across exactly as we mean them.

None of us know what the future holds for our children, so hopefully we will all stick around in a varies forums to be here for each other in the future


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

My advice is STEP AWAY FROM THE BOARDS reading them has contributed massively to pulling out the adoption process.


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## Becky39 (May 17, 2008)

Arrows: 
I applaud your coment and thank you for explaining how you meant to come across.    I wasnt having a go at you personally, but trying to show the other readers that AUK isnt always doom and gloom. Yes there are some cases where things arnt going well, but there are LOTS of cases where things work out too, its a place where all members feel they can come to release their frustration and to get help.
Funnychic: Are we to assume that you have pulled out of the adoption process simply on the threads you have read on AUK? Did you go on a preperation to adopt course? Im wondering if you did pull out, then why are you on here reading these threads? Maybe ive read it wrong im not sure? I for one use AUK a lot more than i use this site, for the simple fact, it has information on there that i find really helpful. I use their library and i attend their meetings. I mean i used a number of IVF boards too when i was ttc, i didnt always use this one. Its a preference i guess, what your used to and how people want to read into them. For people who pull out because of some of the things they read on there, then adoption obvisouly wasnt for them, and im sorry if that offends but i have read and heard of so many adoption horror stories, but i still chose to adopt, because its the right path for my husband and i.


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