# When did you decide to go it alone?



## Miss Scarlett (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi ladies, 

I am almost 30 with PCOS and have come to the conclusion Mr Right is not out there for me and that I don’t want to wait much longer before I have a child.  

I would just really love to know what made you decide it was time to go it alone and what age were you when you decided?

Just being nosey here......would love to read your stories!

MS x


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## KerriJo (Jun 25, 2011)

Hi Miss Scarlett,

I am 32, and last week had my first DIUI. I always knew I wanted to have children, but assumed I would meet the right guy to have them with! The last guy I was with turned out to be married, and after finishing things there, thought you know what, I can do this by myself. That was last year. I think it was probably a combination of not wanting to wait much longer, i.e meeting someone new, and being in a  relationship long enough to think about children, along with being very independent.

There were initially many doubts in my mind, but I know I can do it, and I don't ever want to look back and think I wish I had.......

Good luck  

x x


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## Tommi (Jun 22, 2011)

Hi MS

I was in my early thirties when I decided, but unfortunately then had a decade of pretty major events going on (a lot of bereavements and some major surgery among other things) one after the other. It wasn't right for me to start this path while all that was going on. I finally emerged from that decade earlier this year, now age 41, with the feeling that it's now or never. I always knew I wanted children and have never viewed going it alone as remotely 'second best'. I just hope there's still time! I would definitely have acted sooner if life events hadn't been so challenging for so long. Funny thing is, though, that none of those experiences will be wasted in raising a child.

Good luck to you! 

T x

PS A counsellor once said to me that the only difference between single women and women in relationships is that single women are looking for Mr Right and women in relationships found Mr He Will Do! Not quite sure what I think of that but it's certainly food for thought... not that I would ever advocate starting a family with Mr He Will Do!


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Hi MS

I decided last March when I was 32 (almost 33) and started trying the next month! I'm quite a decisive person so once I knew it was what I wanted I decided I didn't want to waste any time! I had been single for about 7 years by then though, so I was very used to being by myself and had done most of my life's major events by myself (buying a house, starting a business, travelling all over the world) so it didn't seem very daunting to raise a child by myself.

For me it was quite a simple decision...I have all my life to meet a man, but only a small window to conceive a child. I knew I could live without a man if he never turns up, but I knew I would be gutted if he didn't and it meant I'd lost my chance to have a child. I knew that I would never regret having a child by myself and that it would still be possible to find a man (although I have to say that I have no desire to do so as I am quite happy by myself with J!).


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Great question: I didn't decide as much as have the decision thrust upon me. Last October, at the age of 35, after being pestered for 9 months by a friend I went for a fertility MOT in London. I found out although I had eggs in my ovaries time was running out as they were declining in viability.

The conversation went thus:
_Me: So how long do I have left to have children?
Consultant: You need to have children now if you want them.
Me: Now as in 2-3 years.
Consultant: Now as in today if possible. 
Me: Crap....
_

Thus began my convoluted emotional process of deciding if I was going to co-parent, not be a mum or go it alone. In January my final option of co-parenting went do-lally and I decided I was doing it on my own.

I always have wanted children. I didn't want to have children on my own. The choice between having children at all and being without them but waiting for a relationship was not a choice I could make. I knew I wanted kids and I wanted them to be born of me.

I hope one day to have a romantic male partner to raise my children with. I know for me, at the moment, that came second to my fertility declining and knowing I could never have children if I waited.

Dawn


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## MeowToTheMoon (Jun 5, 2011)

I have always wanted children and seriously started thinking about going it alone when I was 32.
Sadly I got carried away with life and the silly old 'need to be sorted first' thoughts.

I'm never going to be 'sorted' as such (although i am basically sane! ) so have finally come to the realisation that I need to move on it now.
I am now 41 and time is ticking faster and faster.  

I'm just about to attempt my first DIUI


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## lola33 (May 17, 2011)

Hi ladies,

Sorry to jump in here, I'm not going through it on my own, but I have thought what if I have to, because of sometimes unstable relationship. I went through a very similar experience to Dawn, went for a fertility MOT at the age of 32 and was told to get busy ASAP, if I wanted to have kids. Personally I would not mind waiting for a few years, but don't have that choice of course. My relationship is sometimes  up and down and maybe I'm a drama queen, but I have thought what if we not gonna make it work? What will I do? I don't have time to wait till I meet someone new, that can take time and time I do not have. I always new I wanted to have children, but always been a bit traditional and to be honest being a single mother always been one of my biggest fears, BUT I really have changed my attitude now and am 100% sure that if the the choice is between being a single mummy or not being a mummy at all,  I would most definitely choose to have a baby on my own  

Besides even though Im not single when me and my friends talk about having kids, we always say that in the end of the day you have to be prepared to be a single mum, there is no guaranties that the relationship will last anyway, know it sound very unromantic, but that's the reality of today 

Best of luck to everyone   

Xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

I first started thinking about it in my early 30s. Decided to give myself a couple of years of 'serious' dating to find Mr Right first. Failed completely to find even Mr might be OK, spent far too long working too hard and wishing I was having children like all my friends. Eventually decided to go it alone the summer after I turned 37. Decided in the August, had first IUI the following January (took a few months to sort out fertility tests, find clinic etc etc)
Think the rest is in my signature but basically had 3 IUI, several IVF with own eggs and then with donor eggs before it eventually worked and I had my twins 5 days after my 41st birthday (agh, can't believe I'm 41   )

What made me decide? Well, I'd known for years that I would go it alone if I didn't meet the right person, I knew I wanted children and the thought of not having them was unbearable. The final trigger was being on holiday with my sister for the 3rd year running and her asking where would we go the following year? In that moment I realised I didn't care at all where we went on holiday, I just wanted to be at home with my baby...

Had I known then (or indeed before) how long it would take and how hard it would be, I'd have started younger. I think many of us would say the same thing...

Suitcase
x


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## ElsieF (Nov 26, 2009)

For me

Aged 32 - 9 year relationship broke up because he couldn't / wouldn't commit. I wanted children. He said he didn't (but 'accidentally' has one now!)

Aged 33: - asked ex-bf if he would get me pregnant (I didn't know fertility treatment existed for singlies) He said no.. then yes... then I changed my mind. There was good reason I didn't want him in my life!

Aged 34 - decided to get my life in order so I could financially support a child on my own. changed profession in order to earn more. (this was Huge decision for me and took me 3 years)

Aged 34-37 - various rubbish bf's

Aged 38 - lots in the papers about removing anonymity of donor sperm - so woke up to donor sperm being an option! Researched fertility treatment, went to Denmark for 3 x DIUI. Had what I now know as an amazing no of follie's on clomid. Assumed I was ok fertility-wise - but just unlucky.

Aged 39 - bought a house so that me and forthcoming baby were secure. Then met darling wonderful DH .
We started trying naturally within a month of meeting (he really wanted kids and when I told him I had tried on my own he really wanted us to start trying immediately)

Aged 40 - first IVF 

Aged 42 - realized it's too late for my own eggs. Extremely thankful that medical science and donors will (hopefully) be able to make my dream come true. But now have to remortgage the house to pay for treatment.  

If my high school biology classes had informed me about getting pregnant and the effects of age (instead of how to not get pregnant!) then I would definitely have gone it alone earlier.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Had been in an on/off long term 13 yr relationship, he didn't want kids (but now has one!), never found Mr Right - or should I say Mr Not Right Now.  Conisdered going it alone, discussed it with friends. Gay male friends offered to help aged 35-6 ish (always when they were drunk) but then we had a sober discussion!

Aged 36 -  Home inseminations BFN's so approached clinic.Diagnosed with low sperm count so needed ICSI

Aged 36-7 First IVF BFP but mc'd, immunes tests and diagnosed NK cells and poor responder 2nd IVF BFN, changed clinics 3rd IVF BFN , diagnosed with uterine problems and asherman's syndrome, had surgery x2

Aged 38 4th IVF BFN more surgery

Aged 39 - 40 abroad to Spain for DE and attempts  x3 more uterine surgery
changed to UK and went on UK clinics DE waiting list

Aged 41 DE cycle in UK BFN

Trailed through clinics in London - surrogacy the only option AMH 0.7, FSH 9 ish etc

Aged 42 tried to get a surrogate, all arranged and then she pulled out

Approaching 43 which way to turn now!!


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

I remember years ago saying that I'd go to a clinic when I was 35 if I hadn't had a baby before then but in the end I couldn't wait that long. I was desperate to have a baby but didn't really think that going to a clinic would be an option until I talked to a gay friend who had a daughter from DIUI and she pointed me in the direction of FF. I was on here for about a year, trying to decide what I was going to do and when but never quite got anywhere. Then one night I was unable to sleep and just thought 'why am I waiting?', got up the next day and contacted Reprofit, it suddenly felt right. I was lucky and third IUI worked and I have my lovely babies, don't regret it at all and am pleased that I didn't wait longer.

bingbong x


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Age 30 – thought that should have been married with kids and as I wasn’t just assumed it would never happen for me.    Was always terrified at the thought of being a single Mum. So decided to find something else in life and started singing/acting.
Age 30 – 35 – various rubbish relationships
Age 35 – started to think about freezing eggs, but research showed defrosting wasn’t very successful and decided it wasn’t worth £2000 (this was 2003).  Went to drama school instead!
Age 39 – yet another relationship ended and started to realise that it was getting too late for babies.   
Age 40 – Two cousins got pregnant naturally at 44, so thought I still had time to meet Mr Right!   
Age 41 – came off pill and 6 weeks later started getting horrendous headaches etc.  Went to GP and was told I was “menopausal”.  Devastated and realised I had been trying to kid myself for past 10 years that I didn’t want children.  Thought it was all over until AF arrived 3 months later and I decided to give it a go.
You can see from my signature what happened next J
GIA Tooxx


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## mcclean (Mar 12, 2011)

I always wanted a child but I was frightened of doing it on my own and how would I manage.

My desire for a child never ever went away.  I got older, had ridiculous relationships but I was never looking for Mr Right.

In 2008, I looked at adopting and couldn't do that.  In 2009 I began looking at co-parenting but that fell through with an idiot!  In late 2009, I seriously looked into IVF aged 39 but then I was slowly approaching 40.  I told myself it's now or never Mcclean.  I had my first scan to the horror of fibroids.  I heard about them but hadn't a clue what they were.  I was perfectly healthy and active woman.  I had to have a hysteroscopy to see if they were in my womb cavity.  Luckily they weren't.  So in July this year I began my first IVF cycle aged 41.  I never imagined in my wildest dream this journey would be so hard both emotionally and physically.  Oh and let me not forget the financial side of this too.

Hey that's my story so far.


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

As with so many others I have always wanted a child but looked for Mr Right & put all my efforts into my career.  In 2003 aged 34 was in a very on/ off relationship with the love of my life (who on occasion told me he loved me & even once asked me to marry him) and fell pregnant (after earlier in the year having had 2 pulmonary embolisms with cardiac arrest although that is a different story!)  At that point, Mr Love of my Life told me to get rid of the baby as he was seeing someone else.  I miscarried.  Fast forward to 2007, I blurted out to a friend that I would consider getting pregnany by a donor - hadn't realised how much I had thought about it until I actually verbalised it.  Friend said "well why don't you get on with it then" and I thought "why not".  So I tried and was lucky enough to have my son, then tried again last year and my beautiful daughter is sleeping beside me now.

If you are thinking this might be a route for you the chances are it is the right route to take,


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

30 -  (my actualy Birthday) Doctor told us DH five years to live.  Tried to decided between us whether to parent together and then singley.
30 + One month: DH given one year to live.  After much aganising decided to get pregnant ASAP or save his sperm so planning a life single parenting
30 + two month DH dies a couple of days before the appoinmnet to change his sperm concent to left me use it after death.  Thought all my deams of motherhood were gone.
30 + five months decided to go it alone with donor sperm prob at the end of the year.

I got so lucky and found Mr Right aged 21.  We spent our time enjoying our time alone, getting our careers started etc.  Then waiting for him to get better.  But it never happend.  So now single parenting seems my best option.  I always wanted children.  I cannot face dating and by the time I might possibly want it, then find someone, then spend long enough getting to know him getting married etc my fertitily would seriously be deciling espically as I have only one ovary.  I'm just so glad it's an option.


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## sweet1 (Oct 5, 2008)

so sorry to hear about your loss silverbird


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## Minnie35 (Oct 28, 2009)

Hiya Miss Scarlett,


What a fab question!  It's so great reading everyone's stories.

Silverbird I'm so sorry, and wish you luck on your journey now.

I have always envisaged my future as one with children - ever since I can remember being able to think, I was planning what I'd say to my child about this or that, how we'd do this or that activity etc.  Like everyone else on these threads, I always thought I'd meet someone to share that future with.  By the time I got to 30 I'd been in a state of anxiety about where my kids would be coming from for about 3 years (ever since I split up with the guy I'd thought I'd spend my life with). I just kept hoping my partner would turn up.


Then one day when I was 33 something just clicked - it was brilliant.  Doing it on my own had always been this terrible thing I might have to resort to.  But suddenly something just changed in my head and it became a true possibility - it was wonderful and I spent several weeks on cloud nine, just thinking "this is the way for me, this is how it's going to happen".  What followed was nearly 2 years of agonising decisions and research and advice-seeking, followed by several IUIs starting when I was nearly 35, and, after much panicking and nearly chickening out, IVF from which I've just got a positive result, aged 37. Interestingly, I have gone out with two men during the time I've been either considering or undergoing treatment, and although unfortunately neither worked out, both were supportive about my trying to have a child, and just wanted to know that, should our relationship work out, I would like to also have one with them.


There have been wobbles of enormous magnitude all along the way but all I feel now is thankful that I've done it and hopeful that I stay preggers.

I think one of the biggies for me is that, whatever else my fears are, I simply can't envisage any situation where I could regret going for it. Like most people here, I would have loved to have a partner and dearly hope that I will in the future, but am ever so grateful that motherhood is still possible without one.


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## SophieBlue (Apr 17, 2011)

Your stories just sound so similar to my ..............

23- got married, was very happy
28- while still married wanted to have children but it didn't happen............   
30/31-for various reasons (long story) my marriage ended
32-stable relationship (well I've thought at the time) got pregnant naturally, not planned. Unfortunately miscarried at 10 wks. From that point the relationship turn to hell as it turn out that the only reason why he wanted to be with me was to have kids.
33- decided to go alone, 1st appointment at the clinic+ researched my options
34- started DIUI: 1st unsuccessful attempt in May/ June, now on 2 wks wait 2nd attempt
I hope that one day I will have children and I am 100% sure I have made the right decision to do it now, no point waiting and if one day I meet Mr Right so let it be 

Sophie xx


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## Miss Scarlett (Aug 9, 2011)

Am so grateful people took the time to answer my post and share their stories.

I had so many thoughts (and some doubts) about going it alone going through my mind on a daily basis about whether it was the right decision but all of your stories have definately put things in to perspective for me!

MS x


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Deep down always knew I'd be a single mum.

Early thirties - Had a couple of relationships where we'd tried to get pregnant - never happened.

Aged 35/36 best friend got pregnant after one night stand

Six months later I was pregnant with known donor!

Best decision ever!


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## smilingandwishing (Apr 24, 2010)

Wow, so many of us have simliar stories.

When I hit my thirties the desire to have a child really kicked in. I had split up with the guy I thought I would marry. I was so determined not to be what I considered a desperate woman looking for a man to have babies with that I upped and left the UK and went travelling around the world in search of an adventure. When I got back I had a fair few dodgy relationships, with very unsuitable men.

At 35 after several years of not great flings, and so not finding Mr long-term I decided to resign myself to the fact that having children wasn't going to happen for me. I decided to start writing and threw myself into that, but the nagging desire wouldn't go away.

When I was 38 I took the step of going to a clinic and starting to get the ball rolling. I was all set to choose a donor when I met a new man. I told myself that it was fate, that finally I had stopped looking and there he was. Well two years later, after lots of promises from him that we would have a family together  and him finding excuses that the time wasn't right, he admitted that he never wanted more children ( he had two from a marriage). So I picked myself up, dusted my down for a couple of months and then took myself back to the clinic and whilst I have never been a lucky person, my life's worth of luck shone on me and I fell pregnant at the first attempt with my gorgeous son!

The only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner!!

Smiling xx


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

well having had last long term relationship end at 25 (he ran off with someone else whilst we were trying !) by 30 i was beggining to freak out about not meeting someone and to cope with it told myself that is I hadn't met anyone by the time I was 35 i would go it alone.

As 35 approached I realised it was getting to that time and strangely found a leaflet at work about the fertility show ( fate must of put it there as i doubt it came out of the zoo magazine that normally frequents our staff room!) took myself off to it- learnt everything I needed to get started and was seeing a consultant within a month- Didnt know I had fertility problems then though!!! I will be 37 when my first baby is born (unless its early !)


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## carnivaldiva (Feb 9, 2009)

Always wanted children but never met the right man to be a father.............
32ish-38ish very good friend offered to help
39 same very good friend offered to be my DS
40 went to clinic and was told to loose a shed whole of weight and then come back
41 went back to clinic. DS and I both had counselling.  His new girlfriend not happy with him being DS, so I decide not to to use him.  Surprise first OE IVF a BFP
41 m/c
42-43 2nd, 3rd & 4th IVF BFN
44 and 5th attempt (but first tandem) a BFP.

So glad I didn't waste any more time waiting for the 'right man'

I'm so looking forward to 2012.  The start of my life as a mother.  My mother is so excited for me and has supported me 100% thoughout all my treatments.  Dad is cool, however I remember telling him with trepidation the last time I was pregnant.  He was sort of stunned (didn't know I was having tx) and when he asked who the proud father was, I just said I didn't know.  He was completely stunned and then I told him how I'd conceived.  Every now and then I kinda shock and surprise my parents


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Like AC I always knew I would be doing this alone.

Endemetriosis diagnosed at 30, several operations and consultant said I would possibly never have a family.

Several men, if you can call them that!  I always seem to get cold feet after a few months.  I always said that a man doesn't have to be that spectacular to be with me, but to be the father of my baby he had to be dam spectacular.  I didnt meet that person.

Knew that my life without a man would be OK, but my life without a baby just wasn't an option.

Went to Uni so I would have a more financially appropriate job with better hours and got permanent job after a while temping so I would get maternity benefits from work.  Worked out how long I needed to be in job to get full benefits   

After last operation for Endo, consultant referred me to fertility consultant to start IVF ASAP while my womb was clear of endo.

BINGO after 3 attempts of IVF and 9 months later I met the man of my dreams.

I know I am a very lucky woman who thanks her lucky stars each and every day.  I just wish that all of me friends on FF could feel that luck too     

Chowy xx


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

Chowy said:


> BINGO after 3 attempts of IVF and 9 months later I met the man of my dreams.


Love this Chowy!!!


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## suze84777 (Sep 30, 2010)

Just want to say hi and am so relieved to have read this today, it has actually brought me to tears,  I have been thinking of going it alone for a couple of years due to nightmare relationships and even been for a consultation at a clinic, people keep saying 'oh you will meet the one' but it never seems to happen, I am 35 and not long come out of a relationship with a man who was 10 years older than me and has 2 grown up children, I love them dearly but its not the same, after a year and a half of yes, no, yes, no, we started trying, he then decided the pressure was too much and we had to call it a day which broke my heart, I have now decided its got to really be now or never but am terrified of what lies ahead, I have lots of supportive friends and family and work colleagues who I know will be there for me but I still cant get my head round not having someone in my life to go through it all with, I know this has now become such an issue to me that any man i do meet will run at the first hurdle because of how desperate i am to have a baby, men dnt seem to understand hw much of an issue this can be for women, please help x


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## DZWSingleMumma (Nov 18, 2010)

Suze,

You are not alone in your feelings.  I can say I went through SO much pain when I decided to go it alone.  I was 35 and diagnosed with low fertility.  I had been in a marriage for 10 years and on my own for 5.  I'd done the work on myself to get myself ready for a relationship.  I'd dated.  It's just nothing really clicked with anyone. 

In my desperation NOT to go it alone.  I looked into co-parenting.  I tried online dating for people looking for kids.  All of these things just weren't right.  

I had a really good session with my counsellor one day which I will share with you.  Perhaps it will help.  

I was looking into co-parenting and met a guy local to me.  He was really keen on not just being a parent but also having a relationship.  I thought he might be "the one".  I sat with my therapist and we went through all the reasons why he was not.  Essentially it crystalised down into the following statement, "Dawn if you combine trying to make a new relationship work in the 9 months that it takes to gestate a child you are setting up that child for divorce before it's even born."  Relationships take work.  They take nurturing.  They take trust.  I cannot see that forming in the 9 months I had to have a child.

I gave up trying to find "the one" and decided that for me having a child and if God willed it I would meet someone one day who would love me and my child.  I would give BOTH relationships (mine with my child and mine with a man) time to form and grow without the added emotional pressure of a ticking time bomb of my fertility. 

This is my experience and what I feel is the best decision I have ever made.

Whatever you decide the decision to have children is a wonderful one. 

Good luck!

Dawn


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## smilingandwishing (Apr 24, 2010)

Dawn - lovely post.

Suze - my heart goes out to you. We have all been there and it takes some time to mourn for the loss of the dream - meeting the man, falling in love, having the baby. BUT.... although it can be tough, having a child alone is rewarding and wonderful. I too tried to meet the right man and instead attacted loads of Mr Wrongs that I made huge excuses for, tried too hard with and then cried over when it failed, Now, having been blessed to have my son I feel totally relieved that I have been able to enjoy this experience without the heartache of trying to muddle through a relationship that was just not meant to be.

I really hope that I meet someone great one day and that he will love both me and J - but he'll have to be very special to have us in his life because we are a very special package!

With love to you

SMiling xx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi everyone

I turned 30 in May, and that was a real turning point for me - I had decided a long time before that that I was going to go it alone, but on my birthday I really did take stock and realise that I had the right decision, and it was full steam ahead.
I was diagnosed with PCOS just over a year ago, which pushed me to go ahead. I decided at 27 that this was likely to be the way I would go, knowing somehow that I was never going to find 'the one'. I have myself a few years but things didn't happen I knew that I didn't need a man for anything else, so why this?

I have had all my tests done, and had my counselling session today, so next step is to contact the co-ordinator at the hospital, and chose my donor from an American site.

I worry about the money - I have debts and am paying them off but it means it's taking me a while to save for treatment. I also worry that it won't work - I've read about so many women having so many goes and it not working. All I can do is hope that it will work. 
I try to be hopeful and positive. I'd like to have my first attempt in January, so I'm keeping everything crosses!

S x


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