# Been told not to adopt. Should we listen ?



## Cassie606 (Apr 10, 2013)

So firstly a bit about us. Im 20 years old and my fiancé is 28, we are getting married next March on what will be our 2 year anniversary. We both work full time and have lived together for 18 months and have 2 cats  we haven't tried for children yet (so we don't know if we can or cannot have any naturally) although we would really like to become a family. I don't feel ready to have a baby naturally as I don't feel that pregnancy is right for me just now but that being said we would really like to have children and start our family and so we have been looking into adoption for the last year and this is where our questions begin...

So yesterday we went to a van in our town centre that wants to get people in that would be willing to adopt and foster. While we were there we spoke to a father of adoptive children and a social worker. My first question was what seems to be the biggest hurdle we will have to 'jump'. My age ! I asked both if my age would be a problem(we are looking to start the process in about a years time so i will be 21) and the answer I got was more or less a yes. We were told that although we meet all the criteria (21 and over, rent our own home, have stable jobs and income and so on) on paper they don't advise anyone to adopt before the age of 23 as they encourage them to experience more life (more or less their words). We were told that we should maybe have biological children first and try again in say 5 years time. 

My question is do YOU think we will fail at the first hurdle simply because of my age ? We see it as we meet the criteria asked for, we are keen to start a family and this just happens to be the way we would like to do it. This isn't something that has come off the top of ours heads and is a topic often deeply discussed in our home. We don't understand why we are being told that there is a good chance that we won't even really be considered when we have everything they are asking for ! All we really want is a chance and I believe anyone that came and spoke to me and saw us would see that I'm not just another 20 year old and that I am a lot maturer then others my age. We were also told that not having our own children first could be bad for us but we see it as if we adopt we will have the time and energy to give the children (we would like 2 siblings) all the attention they need and be able to help them make more progress in our home and to feel happy and safe here. 

We would like you're help to make this wish/dream become a reality for us and would like to be as prepared as we can be when it comes to the time for us to make that final decision to go ahead or give up on it all for now. Please can somebody help us ? We just want encouragement that although this could be a long and hard process for us it is something we can active and that you yourself may have had you're own barriers that you have been able to concur. 
Please be nice and thank you from both of us.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

reckon if you wait to start til you are 21 as you said, and the process could easily take a year or so til they find you a perfect match, maybe you'd be practically 23 by the time you adopted anyway. 

two things could happen 
1) they could turn you down flat in which case that might negatively impact future applications/attempts
2) they could agree to you being an adopter but then magically disappear your notes to the back of the pile and drag it out...i'm sure in theory they aren't supposed to do this but I doubt you could prove it or stop it if it did happen.. 

why not just aim for a middle ground and kick off the process when you're say 22.. not much longer to wait but could give you some time to make your case better, perhaps support with evidence of child care experience, and then you'd probably be 23 by the time you're home and matched anyway... 

congratulations on your engagement I hope the wedding goes well.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Have you looked at agencies requirements surrounding length of relationship? Our agency required us to have been in the relationship for a minimum of 5 years. I wish you well in your journey


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## Cassie606 (Apr 10, 2013)

Goldbunny thank you so much as you are the first person to have actually try and help us see a solution rather then just tell us it's something that we can do ! And lolly when we asked yesterday they said that it would be something that would come up but possibly something they could work with depending on how checks and other 'problems' were resolved.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

We are termed 'young adopters' - we started the process when I was 26 and were placed a year later with our daughter - I'm now 28 and have a 16 month old and (in few days time) a 5 month old , they are siblings.

Like you I was more mature than many of my peers at 20, and met my husband at this age marrying him the following year aged 21. He's ten years older than me. We always knew we wanted to adopt but did try to conceive first.

I imagine the reason they say your age would go against you is because, honestly, adoption is tough. We have a problem free match in our children - young, removed at birth, no 'issues' etc but thr actual process to get where we are was hard and I did find it very hard in the early weeks of parenting, but who doesn't? Be you 18 or 35, becoming a parent is a shock to the system.....although it is a very different sort of shock, and you do face things a biological parent just doesn't.

I think it is FABULOUS that you both want to adopt - this country needs more adopters. Adoption by its nature is often something people come to after many years of trying to conceive and many are late 30s / 40s / or even 50s by the time they get there. Don't let anyone tell put you off if this is what you want to do. Being 20 is hard as everyone wants to tell you how naive and young you are, but if you're anything like me, life may have given you maturing experiences from an early age and you may be more grown up than many 30 year olds!

All I'd say is enjoy a bit of married life before you go down this road, simply because it's precious and you want to have had that time. We had 6.5 years together before becoming parents and I'm very grateful, life threw a fair bit at us in that time and also it gave us a chance to buy and renovate our own home and really give our children the things we want for them. I don't know if your age will mean you fall at the first hurdle, but I don't think there is any need to rush to adopt if you know that it's your plan anyway and I'd sort of recommend you don't rush as it could put strain on you as a couple (in fact it probably will to be honest). 

I hope this helps


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Cassie, the concern SS and panel are going to have is that given your age, and more especially that you are also most likely fertile, that it may be easier for you to "give up" if your adopted children end up having more difficulties than were expected, because you could go on and have a biological family.  They may also be concerned you simply don't realise what may be involved in parenting children who could have significant extra needs.  Convincing them otherwise would probably be your biggest hurdle.  They will also be concerned that you may not have sufficient life experience to parent a damaged child.  I think if you say you "don't feel ready" to become pregnant yet, they may question whether you think adopting is going to be easier than a pregnancy.  They are probably also going to question the stability of your relationship given your ages, and the relatively short time you've been together.  Perhaps you could contact a local LA or VA and ask to have an initial meeting with them to discuss your situation.

I also think it's a wonderful thing when fertile couples wish to adopt as a first choice, because there are nowhere near enough adopters, but I also think it's important that it's with eyes wide open as to what the future parenting adopted children, even children considered easy to place or "straightforward" could bring.

All the best, whatever you decide,

Wyxie xx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Why do you feel you're not ready to have biological children yet?  but you're ready to take on children that may have significant needs?


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## Pumpkin mummy (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi

I think it is great that you would like to adopt, we need more of us!

But I do think you need to consider that the children will have a "complicated" background in their lives from being adopted from a day old to a teenager.  As adopters you have to be prepared that albeit they will be your family and part of your extended family, they will still have a birth family which will need explaining to them, and once they are 18 they are legally able to access their records and trace their biological parents.

I am not trying to put you off by any means! But please be careful that this is the path you wish to choose.

Sometimes LA's advertise that it is a wonderful thing to do, don't get me wrong it is wonderful! But the adverts do not tell you the issues that you may face etc and the last thing anyone wants is for a placement to break down.

I suggest if it is the route you choose then speak to LA's as well as VA's and go with your gut feeling.

Wish you all the best 

Xx


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hello

I think SS will raise the exact same question as Wynnster   

I don't think your young age is in fact your biggest 'hurdle', SS might just feel you have not grasped how 'huge' a responsibility it is to adopt, no matter how 'easy' the placement.  SS want you to view adoption as 'all about the children' and their needs, not to fulfil any dream of yours.  That may well happen, but first and foremost it is the childrens needs first. 

Very often SS require you to use contraception once the Home Study has started, as basically once you are approved you are in fact 'paper pregnant'.  You say you want to adopt first and that you are not ready physically to carry a birth child.  SS ideally want you to have put having any birth child behind you, and be completely ready to move on from that.  Adoption is not an 'add on', it is an end to having birth children   . Your adopted children will be your children and you will have done more than 'just' carry them for 9 months!  The adoption 'pregnancy' can be a loooonnnng one!   

I honestly say all the above with respect to you.  I think it is great that you want to adopt.  Your heart seems to be in the right place.  However, if I were you, I would examine my motivations, to see if they are child centred. That is what SS will be concerned about   

X


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

You are very young and though at not much older than you are now I wanted to have a baby with my husband, there is no way I could have coped with parenting adopted children.  Having adopted 2 children, and now living with an attachment challenged child whose early trauma is making every day life hell for us all, there is no way on this earth I would adopt and then have biological children.  

So, IF you want to have your own children one day the best thing for you to do is enjoy married life and being a couple and then try for your own.  If you aren't ready to have your own now you certainly aren't ready to adopt and deal with all the uncertainties that brings.

Why don't you consider fostering for now?

OT x


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi. I would like to say I think it is really nice that you want to have a family. But this is not a romantic dream like you make it sound. As many others have highlighted if you are not ready for bio children how can you possibly be ready to adopt a sibling group. Dont be under any illusions! This is the hardest thing in the world  and certainly not the 'easy' option, we are six weeks in and some days I want to run away! . I am 36 and feel too young and I was travelling around the world alone at 18 and married at 23 so I wasnt growing up slowly. 
I know it sounds harsh but I do think you need to re-think this. 
I wish you luck in your future. 
Xx


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## lynsbee (Jun 21, 2013)

I just wanted to say it sounds lovely what you both want to do.
I also know how horrible and irritating it is to hear the 'Your still very young' phrase I had this no end when going through all my IVF. I was married at 21 started TTC after a year, a year later...nothing. Went to the docs and kept getting the your still young, there's still time etc and it was horrible to hear. I knew I wanted a family and it wasn't happening. I was then nearly turned down for IVF because of my age. 
So nearly 7 years of TTC and IVF, I am now 29 and finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and becoming a family through adoption. At 29 (DH 34) I/we are still seen as being young adopters but they see it as a good thing. I have had life experiences that made me have to grow up quicker in my early/mid teens, plus with IVF and hurdles we have had our SW see's this as giving me an inner strength and views it as being a vey positive thing that was highlighted hugely in our PAR.

I also echo a lot of what MummyElf said. In fact a lot of it sounds like it was me writing it.....
Have a wonderful wedding and spend some time as a married couple ( I know it doesn't change you as people being married or not) but it really is a precious time. Enjoy.......but never give up on your dream xx


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