# Questioning my decision



## debblaze (Jan 19, 2007)

Hard day today, been happy with my decision not to do tx again due to ocd, partner etc and have been alot happier but today im having a bad day and thinking i should do it again and if others had my choice they would do it.

I know some of you would give everything to have tx again so i dont want to upset anyone but sometimes i wish the choice had been taken away and then i cant regret my decision.

Oh dear what a day

Debsx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hi

To doubt such a monumentous decision is totally natural - when you suffer with IF the whole thing is such a "rollercoaster" that emotions and of course hormones go up and down and down and up again!

It is so difficult as we get older too - I am 41 so i know the feeling of running out of time to make decisions about stopping or carrying on and recently i too have been thinking whether i can muster the strength needed to try again. The whole thing is so scary and puts us through such a horrible journey of waiting for results and then the 2WW and then the rest of it after that with all the prodding and poking and injections etc etc. In a way once you start on the IVF journey you lose all your innocence and everything becomes so scary.

With your OCD, there is such a lot to dealm with in addition to all of this, so don't be hard on yourself - why batter yourself even more than you have been already? There is no answer because there is no cystal ball to tell you what the future holds, but all I can say is what I am going to do which is take some time off to think, to re evaluate and more importantly to give my body a rest from all the meds and doctor's appointments. The with the new year and new decade to think about the way ahead and our options. 

I know you are probably fearful that if you stop now then "what if you had gone through just one more tx....?" but then where do you stop? This was how i looked at it at the beginning and now I can hardly believe that we are 4 IVFs down and have so much heartache, that sometimes i truly wonder why we did this to ourselves?

I am sorry I cannot offer you any pearls of wisdom, but what i can say is that those of us on FF know what you are feeling and you are not alone, we are here for you whenever you need to talk, vent, rant, whatever!

Nbr68xxx


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## debblaze (Jan 19, 2007)

Nbr68


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hi Debblaze! Did you write something but it got lost in the ether?!


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## debblaze (Jan 19, 2007)

Nbr68,

Sorry dont know what happened there but thankyou so much for replying.

You have been through so so much, i feel i shouldnt moan compared to your heartache but i really really appreciate your help and response.  Big hug to you.
I think if i hadnt got pregnant first time it would be easier to think oh it wont happen again.  But then when i did get pregnant i got antenal depression..  So theres seems to be no winning with me, because of ocd and they have said im probably likely to get post natal depression.  Im tired of ocd and my partner is only doing it for me because he loves me and says he wouldnt do it again if it were his decision.  He already has a daughter.....

I know our relationship has been so much better and happier while not doing it or deciding not to do it.  And the childlessness workshop by Meredith Wheeler really helped but maybe i just on a downer and feel sad.

Its worse knowing i could do it and having the decision taken away...

Thanks again,

Debsx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hi again!

Thanks for the kind wishes and words - it has been a hard year, well a hard ten years really BUT there is no issue here of you moaning because you have not been through what I have (believe me when i say i would not wish my experience on my worst enemy!) - only you know how you have felt through oyur IF journey and fro what you have written this has been such a life changing experience for you - you had the joy of getting pg then the depression alongside your OCD - no wonder your head is spinning with which way to go next.

Also re the post natal depression if you get pg again - I don't think they can say that will def happen because from what I understand PND is hormonally derived and every pg is diff because the hormones act diff with every pg - women always say that - that each and every pg is different. A friend of mine once said what is the point worrying about what may never happen and to a certain extent he was right - you may not get PND if you got pg again and what a great thing that would be!

The fact that you DH has a daughter already I can see would make things diff for you because you don't want IF to ruin your relationship and that just probably adds to your pressure on yourself. IF is so stressful on both partners that it can so easily take over and can ruin a relationship - it is so hard to know what to do for the isn't it? The fact that you say that things are better when you are not going through Tx or thinking or planning TX, shows that you are probably veering towards not having more tx, but I do think it is natural to then have the odd wobble - and maybe it is just this time of year making you feel a little pang of sadness - you know with the images of all those happy "families with 2.4 children" splattered everywhere on the TV, in magazines etc!! Just makes those of who are childless feel a little redundant! We are just told that Christmas is for children, so what are those of us without children supposed to do?!

I just hope that you feel a little better soon - and if not just relish the fact that you are not pg or have a child to do all those things that all those with children just cannot do!!! That's what i plan to do! Roll on the end of 2009!

Nbr68xxx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Debblaze,

Just saw this post and felt I had to reply, though it's probably going to take the form of getting things off my chest, which won't be much help to you, will it? I apologise in advance!
I am sorry about the OCD, the thoughts and feelings caused by this IF are so hard without something like that as well!
Are you in a position to consider more treatment? One of the problems we have is that we just don't have any money and my husband has come out against borrowing any. If we had the resources we'd look at something like surrogacy but it's impossible. 
The last thing you want to have to think about is money but unfortunately, there's no getting away from it. I do marvel at people on this forum and just how much money they've spent. 
Did the workshop help? I've been wondering about something similar. I can't keep spending the period and the run up to the period in tears. I spent half of last night crying and it's been so hard to work today!
There has to be a way to get past this but I don't know what it is. I asked my doctor for a hysterectomy, so at least I wouldn't have to endure the wretched periods anymore and he refused.
As for Xmas, I'd ignore it if I could but I have family members that will expect something. I am so sick of those ads on TV and in every magazine showing the perfect family with three wonderful children, grandparents, the works. It might help to remember that it's probably not like that - tears and tantrums still happen, Christmas Day or not.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.  
Nbr, I'm so sorry to read about the latest treatment. You've had such a rough ride. I really hope things work out for you. I can relate to the age thing, as I'm even further on in the forties. My age never seemed to be a problem until I started ttc. Now I feel as if I've got one foot in the grave. What have we got to look forward to? Good luck if you decide to try again.  

Rowanxx


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## debblaze (Jan 19, 2007)

Thankyou so much for your replies, it really means alot.  Good luck N in what you decide also...

Rowan, where are your in your treatment or not treatment, are you at the end of the road etc?  Sorry to be blunt.  Money is not really an issue for us but saying that I dont think we would do anymore than two tx, thats if i did another.  I see you are in East Anglia, im in Peterborough so we possibly may live near each other.  

I would def recommend Meredith Wheelers childlessness course, its very spiritual, not religious but really gets you in touch with your feelings and unconciously helps to make a decision. Best thing i did..

I didnt realise post natal depression was hormonal, ive had all my psychologists and fertility nurses saying if i suffer ocd, depression now its likely ill get post natal depression.  Also, because i suffer ocd (mental illness) im more like to suffer when pregnant.  Going on my reaction when i got pregnant i would say its likely and im sanity is all i want back at the moment (but with a baby).  Oh well,  they say you cant have it all.
Thanks again

Debs


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi again Debs,

We've not yet had any treatment, as obviously we're not entitled to any on the NHS due to my age (wonderful!). We did go to a clinic and had a look around but the response to our particular situation was very negative. Basically, we'd need full blown IVF with donor eggs and as the wait is so long, it may not happen before I'm 50. It's true that we didn't talk to an actual doctor but everything seemed so negative. As my husband has ruled out borrowing money I don't know where we can go from here. Any form of treatment is going to cost something and there are no guarantees of it working first time. 
Post natal depression is hormonal. I suppose your psychologist might think that there's a hormonal component to your depression anyway, as that can happen. My own theory is that the sleepless nights don't help with PND. The brain needs sleep to function. I feel for you as my husband's had treatment for depression and I have had attacks of it in the past. 
None of it's helped by this wretched IF, is it?
I don't know if we're quite at the end of the road but I do feel as if I'm standing looking at a brick wall and there's no way round it. My poor husband still thinks I might conceive naturally and of course women do conceive in their forties but I haven't any hope left. 
I'm trying to take some inspiration from Buddhism and the idea that you can't always control bad situations but you can control how you respond to them. It's a lot easier said than done and I've not been very successful so far. The emotions will come and bite me on the bum much too often! I don't think I need to get in touch with my feelings, they are around too much of the time as it is!
We're not far from Kings Lynn, so a little way from you. It would be nice to meet other people in this situation. Everywhere you go, everyone's busy playing happy families (or unhappy families, which is worse!) and yet IF apparently affects one in six couples. Where are they? Hiding away in pain, like us? 
Who says you can't have it all? It's amazing how some people seem to!   Of course, if you're a celebrity, the sky's the limit. I'd think that trying to ease the OCD symptoms is the priority, though. I have to say I'd find it very hard if I had to be a step parent and I admire you for taking on that role. 
Take care of yourself.

Rowanx


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