# Telling/not telling -how to reach a decision as a couple with different opinions



## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

HELP!

Much as I've tried not to end up in this position, it's looking likely that donor sperm is our way forward. In fact we have 5 embryos waiting for us in Prague, which I'm getting my head around going back for.

I feel I'm getting there with the donor aspect, though sometimes it feels like one step forward and 2 steps back. But now we're discussing telling vs not telling. Without going into it - as that's not what I'm asking here - we have differing opinions and neither of us feels like they can be persuaded to the other side.

My question is NOT would you tell or not tell. What I'm interested in is _how _people reached a decision on this as a couple which you both ended up comfortable with, when there really is no middle ground or compromise on this?

I am looking into counselling but still don't think this will provide us with the magic answer or make one of us change our deeper beliefs.

Does it simply mean that donor isn't an appropriate step for us?

I'm sorry, I know this is a contentious and emotive issue but I really value the help I get on here and if someone has found a way through this I would love to hear about it. Thanks xx


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

hi

i really feel for you on this issue, it's difficult.  And you obviously have a great deal of clarity already - when you mention the 'deeper belief's' i understand what you mean.  It's easy to compromise in decision making on the surface but that's not real truth then I guess. 

But then perhaps in some way it's about learning to live with a compromise even of these deeper beliefs..  perhaps you have to weigh up the consequences of sticking to your individual beliefs and saying 'then donor is not for us' - versus acknowledging that above all you want a child and you'll work the rest out over time.  Almost like (in the second scenario) trusting that you'll find a way forward if you are bold and make a decision - if that's the decision you feel is right of you both of course.

We are in a similar position in some ways, and are just taking things slowly in terms of what to divulge to whom and when.  we don't push each other with timing and do try to allow circumstances to dictate when and what to say.  Doubtless someone somewhere will criticise or judge us at some point, but I tend to see that as their business and not mine.  We know that everything we've done, we've done from the heart and with love - we have to trust that truth follows.  And the issue with that is that there isn't one single 'truth' but rather many views of what truth is.

sorry that's a bit wordy but just wanted to reach out to you.  Wishing you lots of luck

xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

northern Dh and I have been trying for 18 months now with DS and have not reached any agreement whatsoever about whether we tell/ don't tell. 
I agonised loads about this at first. was it the right thing to plough ahead when we weren't on the same page?
truthfully, I wish I hadn't wasted the energy worrying about it all. 
its been so difficult to get pregnant that just to _have_ a child and be able to worry about whether we tell him/ her or don't tell, would be a massive dream come true right now. 
my feelings as they stand are just being open to letting things fall into place , and seeing how we feel at the time. i would rather tell as i don't feel infertility is something to be ashamed of. DH on the other hand probably doesn't want to. 
i would say focus on getting pregnant then cross the whole telling or not bridge when you come to
kj xxx


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## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

Thank you both for your replies.  It helps just to know other people have agonised over this one and I'm not alone!  

Artist mum I think you're right it'll come down to a way of compromising on those deeper beliefs and thinking of the bigger picture.  Although I waver between prioritising the bigger picture and the simple facts!  You're right though there are many ways of viewing the 'truth', and there must be a way of viewing it that fits us best. 

Kjade we may well end up going ahead before we've really reached a decision; dh feels we should worry more about it later too, but I just can't get it out of my head at the moment, now it's becoming a little more real.  I don't want to ask him to change his beliefs, especially when he's the one giving up on having a genetic link to the child so has 'compromised' already, and yet I can't put my own feelings to one side on this one.  As someone who is usually very much on the fence in decision making, I actually have opinions on this one and I'm struggling to find the middle ground I'm usually so good at finding! 

Sorry for waffling and thanks for your thoughts.  Good luck to you both too xx


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## bundles (Jul 16, 2011)

Hi Honey,

I think there are always degrees of telling and not telling, and within this you may find your common ground - unless one is for categoric not telling anyone, ever !! It could be worth investigating whether only telling the child is an option for the one of you that isn't keen on telling, and take it from there. As with everything, there is a spectrum, so no wrong or right answer. 
However, you may find that once you are pregnant you can discuss it with a more realistic outcome, as it is a more real scenario rather than 'what ifs'

Good luck !!
Bundles x


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## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

Thanks Bundles    Thinking of it as a spectrum is really helpful.  Initially my partner was very much 'not telling anyone, ever' or at least until after his death....however on reflection he now thinks that telling just the child may be a possibility.  So I think whatever happens we would be able to work through it somehow.  

But I still find myself having massive doubts about the whole thing.  A voice at the back of my head is saying we should try another fresh os cycle, as I think we were maybe onto something with using IMSI last time. Perhaps a mild cycle to try and reduce the drugs strain on my body.  Can't get it out of my head which makes me wonder if I'm really ready for the whole donor aspect.  But what if we do that and it doesn't work, what if I'm never ready for donor?! Arrrrrggh!

Thanks everyone xx


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## dumbwing07 (Feb 4, 2012)

Northern- just think of it this way, is that baby that you have grown, felt move, kick and given birth to, someone elses? The answer is no, that is your baby that you have gone through all this for, that you have delivered naturally or via section. YOu love that baby in a way that only a mother can. If you want to then tell that child that they are not biologically yours then it is completely upto you but that is your baby, the wonderful donor has given you a tiny microscopic egg/sperm, you have done the rest. You are mummy and daddy, no one else. Take it from me, mother to an amazing son, who is mine 100%. I would never dream of telling him he wasnt mine, its not dna that makes a mother, its love <3


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

hi again

just a couple of thoughts on your situation: 

- i presume you've done the defrag test to establish that the sperm is really the problem?  We did this ourselves direct with the belfast based company Sperm Comet who operate via a London clinic for collection.  It saved a lot of money rather than asking the clinic to test for us and they sent us the results so we could decide for ourselves. 

- You also don't put your age (that i can see).  It sounds from your posts here that you don't feel ready to go for donor - and if you've age on your side (and by that I mean not 50 like us!) then perhaps it's worth listening to your doubts on donor...

Best of luck  

xx


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

and one other thing - you probably know all this but just in case: sperm is hugely affected by stress (and it is 3 months prior) so again if age is on your side and you wanted to reduce his stress and really look at improving sperm quality..  well it might be worth a go. xx


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## Northern (Sep 26, 2015)

Hi artistmum, we struggle with sperm as my partner had a failed vasectomy reversal a few years ago - we had tese and got 7 straws but unfortunately the sperm is pretty damaged which can apparently be a consequence of vasectomy etc. We can't afford to do the procedure again and the doctors don't think it would help anyway. We have 2 straws of sperm left and tried IMSI on our recent cycle which did seem to give us slightly improved results, and I think now I'm leaning towards trying it again. I'm only 30 and no known issues so thankfully we do have that on my side. 
Thanks everyone xx


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## annasss (Feb 8, 2017)

It's a quite hard issue, emotionally charged and devastating. I know sometimes it's impossible to tell the truth to your close people. To my mind, you won't build a family with lie. It's better to tell everything. 
my situation is similar, we have been through a lot, bad and good. as you we were hesitating about telling my family. I thought my mom wouldn't accept the fact I would never give a birth to a child. fortunately, she did understand me. and now we started our de ivf with new strength and support from parents. 
I believe you will have the same support and understanding I had. 
Best luck and positive vibes to you and your family
p.s. if you need a word of support I'm open.


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## artist_mum (Jun 19, 2012)

i understand a bit more now, best of luck Northern, it's a tough one but as you say you do have age on your side so i'm sure you'll get there.  And it sounds like you're doing all the right things in working this out as you go along and trying to share/get to the right place as a couple. 

sending you    

All the best xx


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