# Thought it would be easier 2nd time around - WRONG!



## Loopy Loo

I have ummed and arrhhed about this post for a couple of months and have held back but i have to get it off my chest before i explode!
As you can see from my history the journey to DD being born was not as traumatic as some lovely ladies have on this site and were lucky that Clomid seemed to do the trick for us eventually. When I was going through it I kept saying to myself that if I only ever have one child I would be grateful and that if we tried again it cant be as hard as this... Well fast forward 3 years and we have been TTC no2 for a year now without sucess, I am just about to go to my GP's to get referred etc and start the whole thing up again (we were told we would have to try natuarally for a year as we were diganosed as unexplained last time). 
Anyway I feel like I have gone back in time - I feel myself becoming the person I was last time and I hate it - Hate the fact it makes me cry all the time, dread family and friends pregnancy annoucements and on top of that I feel guilty that I am not content with just one child when some people are struggling to just have that.
I feel like last time round I just focussed so much on getting pregnant because i could  not see past that but now having had DD I know the utter joy and bliss that the first few years bring and want to experience that again and want DD to have a sibling.
Anyway sorry for waffling just needed to get it out of my head as feel like I cant really talk to anyone about it..

Lou
x


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## Beep

Hi 
Just wanted to send     

I think how you are feeling is totally natural especially as you know how wonderful it is, why shouldnt you want to experience it again I know I do.

Good luck hun

xxx


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## sabah m

Oh Lou, I could have written your post!!! Its so hard isn't it, thinking we should be utterly overjoyed to have what we have.....but its not enough.  I too long to enjoy those first few precious weeks of life that I feel I didn't truly treasure because I was too frightened, tired, lacked confidence, took stupid advice as didn't know better....I want to do it again and enjoy it!!! I want to see DS bond and grow with his sibling, he loves his doll which he calls his baby, even asks for it at bed time, I so wish to experience him playing, fighting, caring for his real baby sibling.  

I was definately less desperate first time round    

Really hope your journey won't be much longer now xxx


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## ~ Chux ~

If anyone had told me how hard it would be second time around I'd have told them not to be so stupid and it really took me by surprise how I felt. For me I was terrified I would never experience pregnancy and a newborn again but, much more than that, it was about giving my child a sibling and that made it that much harder and very, very different.

Here's keeping everything crossed for you,

Chux xx


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## Loopy Loo

Thanks Ladies, nice to to hear that I am not alone!

Chux - you have hit the nail on the head I think it has taken me by surprise how emotional I am about it all again when I thought it would be water off a ducks back!!

Sabah - your profile pic is lovely and Yes it is all the things you say as well about having another go and being more confident next time around!!

Beep - thanks for the hugs x

Making GP appoinment monday (she was not there this week -snow!!) so off we go again.. 

Lou
xx


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## lyns76

Loopylou, 

I feel EXACTLY the same as you, it is utterley destroying me, i am so in love with my little boy and he is my world but i too cant get over the desire for another.  I just want one more to make my family complete and then i want to finaly move on from the whole infertility thing and get back to the old me.  Isnt it awful how it takes over your life again.  I honestly thought i could move on after my DS was born as i was so happy.

I start FET in Jan but just feel so negative about it, i somehow feel like i have had my luck with ICSI and wont be blessed again   

Lets prey that 2011 will give us all joy again and lift this horrid dark cloud

Best of luck,

Lyns xx


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## helenlouisey

Loopylou, it is soooooo hard isn't it.  Like you we had problems conceiving number one, tried for a year then I was diagnosed and treated for Endometriosis and managed to conceive the first month we tried after my treatment. It was a horrendous time, and I hated the person I became during that time, I was jealous and completely irrational.  When we were blessed with our gorgeous little boy I remember thinking to myself, even if we are never are able to have another child it wouldn't matter. Fast forward two years and after 15 months of TTC no 2, and losing a baby a year ago (when I was 14 weeks pregnant), I have become that person again. I have other problems this time, but the feelings are just the same. I am desperate for another baby, so much so it hurts and I can't either believe I feel so strongly either.  

I try not too beat myself up too much, after all the desire to have a baby is the most natural instinct possibly imaginable.  Please be kind to yourself. It is so difficult not to let TTC take over your life.  After our last round of IVF failed I said to my Mum I'm not sure I could do it again, and she said I shouldn't give up after one attempt, but I tried to explain that I feel like my life has been on hold for the past year and completely consumed by endless tests, doctors appointments, operations and scans, and I just want to enjoy my little boy, who was our little miracle, and I almost feel like I've missed, or rather not appreciated the past year I've had with him. 

It is very difficult to find anyone who understands how very difficult having problems conceiving number 2, people just think we should be grateful for having one beautiful child, I sometimes think even my husband doesn't fully understand.  

Good luck with your GP appointment

Helen x


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## diannaK

ladies after recently having a BFN from FET I completely understand. It took 8 years and 4 frsh cycles of ICSI to achieve our DD. Whe I went into treatment this time I said how lucky we were and if it didn't happen again then at least we had one Now I feel devastated and on top of that my marraige is struggling. DH says he doesn't want to try again with me unless things improve. I understand that but know my time is running out and before I know it the endo will damage the rest o my body. Feel so sad I can't explain and the thought f those frozen embies makes it even worse.

DiannaK


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## kellixxx

Loopy loo I just wanted to send you a hug. I could have done your post my self a few years ago. 

I just wanted to say please don't give up. I felt like you and I hated my self for feeling like that because first time round I did think think one baby was enough and I'm sad to say she wasn't. But 9 years on I did get my son and my longing went away. The bond between my to is amazing even with a 9yr gap

Good look with your ttc I hope the new year holds bfps for every one

Kelli


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## Loopy Loo

Hi Ladies

Thanks for all your replies, I am so grateful that I can share on here because I really feel like no one in my circle of friends or family understands compleatly..

Lyns - just want to wish you luck for your FET that must be starting this month, i know how you feel with having your luck with your son as I often view life and IF like that xx

Dianna and Helenlouisey - hope to be sharing a 2011 BFP with you both soon!! lots of hugs xx

Kelli - thanks for your kind words, the age gap thing was really getting to me but I have realised once again that life does not go according to plan and what will be will be...

quick update been to Docs and She said that I need to have bloods done and DH has to do sample before we can even be considered for referral to clinic at hospital so have had 21 day bloods done and am STILL waiting for AF to show up so I can have other one done!!

thanks again Ladies
xx


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## Monkey74

Hi loo. You're title says it all. I know what you mean. I so want a sibling for DS. Dh doesn't want another child but has agreed to one go and I've borrowed the money this time so I feel under so much pressure for it to work. Every month I enjoy with DS but think it's another month without a sibling. I wanted children close together in age and that dream is slipping away. I almost forget that 3 years ago Ithought I might never have a child.......


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## Monkey74

I'm rambling a bit here as think of things. But this time I feel so much more pressure and I think up until reading your post I've been to scared to say this to anyone. Quite pleased to have seen these boards and once again realise I'm not the only person feeling this way. 

For first child it took 5 years, several iuis, pesa/tesa and lots of tests and the icsi was just another step along the way so I had no preconceived ideas about whether that would work or not and just took every step as a step closer to a baby. Tbh I didn't really believe it was real until about a week after the birth. 

This time I know it could work but from being on FF know how easily it couldn't work either. I've had so many friends who m/c that even if it works I'm scared that will happen which seems doubly cruel when you've paid £5k for the privilidge. 

So although most of me dsperately wants a sibling for DS part of me is very scared about putting myself and DH and DS through this again. Last time we were quite public about the tx (most people were aware of long journey to get there) but this time I haven't told anyone just because I can't bear telling them it's not worked

Sorry Lou to jump on your thread and off load

I think joining a thread here and talking to people with same feelings will help xxxxxx


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## lyns76

Hi everyone, 

Monkey 74, i feel the same.  My little man is 3 in April and although it only took a year of treatment for it to work it was a total of 3 years and a good few attempts for it to work.  Last time nearly everyone knew we were having treatment but like you this time i am not telling anyone as i cant bare telling people if it doesnt work.  I feel like an utter failure at the moment as i am surrounded by everyone having baby number 2 at the drop of a hat yet i have has such a struggle.  I have also started to resent my hubby again which i feel awful about because i know it isnt his fault, just feel like all my plans for a couple of children have been snatched away from me, it all hurts so much.  Could really do with going on some anti depressents for a while to see if i feel any better but starting FET in the next month hopefully so dont really wanna be taking any drugs.

Never in my wildest dreams could i imagine that infertility would affect us and never ever realised how much it changes your life.  I cry all the time, snappy with hubby and really worry now that this whole sh*tty thing will destroy my marriage.  I was so happy when i finaly got my son and honestly thought that i could put the whole thing behind me but nearly 3 years later its all reared its ugly head again.

Wish you all the luck in the world ladies, let 2011 be our year again


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## dakota

Loopy Loo   

I've just read your post, and everything you wrote is exactly how i feel. We tried for 3 1/2 year with lewis along with clomid & met. We started trying again in April and i promised myself i wouldn't let myself go back to how i felt when ttc L, but i can feel myself going there slowly. I am back under my pcos specialist but me and hubby wanted to try naturally for 12 months before asking for clomid again.

It doesnt help that alot of friends are having babies in the next few months, and I'm ashamed to say I'm feeling left out    I've always been genuinely happy for my friends, and before when ttc, i did have my cry that it wasn't us, but i must say this time round i do feel a lot more jealous of my friends.

I wish everyone the best for 2011, and hope everyone's dreams come true


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## poohbear71

We are just starting to try for a sibling for our almost 4 year old, it has been so hard to decide and now we have to take her into account when having the treatment etc its not easy.  My period came a bit earlier than expected so all the crucial things will be around DD 4th birthday I feel so bad about it and so confused about what to do regarding party etc, cos I need to give best chance for IVF to work too.

Anyway what I am trying to say is I think its much harder trying for another as there is so much more to deal with at the same time as the treatment.


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## lyns76

Hi Girls, 

Hope you are all ok.

I just wish i could bloody feel positive about starting treatment again.  Before i had my little boy i was so eager to get going with each new treatment but this time round i have just got it in my head that because i was lucky enough to get my boy that it wont work again.  I am also putting so much pressure on myself for it to work quickly and its only because so many people are know are expecting again and i hate how jelous i feel and also because my son is fast approaching three.

But i know for a fact that if my hubby didnt have issues and we knew that we would conceive naturally i would have no problem waiting another year or too because i have only just started a new job and we also have our house up for sale at the mo!!

God what a complete mess, fed up of feeling so bloody down!!

Good luck everyone,

Lyns xx


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## lyns76

P.S sorry about my spelling !! just read my post and it dont make sence ha, was watching Kerry katona at the same time


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## Sheepy Cloud

Hi 

Gosh I feel exactly the same!! So so grateful for dd (but also p*ssed off I have to feel grateful if you know what I mean?!) but so desperate for a sibling for her and another baby for me - like you said to do it again and be able to be more relaxed and also because I KNOW how wonderful it is now to have a baby - I always knew it would be but now I KNOW to have that little bundle in your arms is something I ache for again.
And yes, my marriage is struggling now and dh is saying NO to tx at the moment but I can't accept that and so things are hard. At least I have dd but I just feel so frustrated and angry sometimes that I am here on this earth just once and I want babies here with me!!
I am not yet feeling as desperate as I did when trying for dd but I can feel all those old emotions beginning to stir again and its quite a scary thought that the old IF feelings are going to take over again   
AARRGGH!!!!
Huge huggles to all and wishing for all tx to commence and be successful!
xx


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## lyns76

sheepy cload, 

ha , you have took all the words out of my mouth and have just posted evrything i want to say, so glad we have this site.

I need to scream too....ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH    ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH !!!!

i AM SO FRIGGIN FRUSTRATED.

Why couldnt i have just moved on from this crap as soon as my son was born.  Sometimes i just feel like running away with him ha !!

Lyns xx


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## Monkey74

Well i've got EC today. Of 4 eggs only one has made it to day 3 and its only a grade 2 so i'm feeling a bit rubbish now. And no frosties so really everything is hanging on this one little embie.

I'm so upset and feel its all over - where as the first time round i would have been so excited to have got one.  I stimmed for 17 days and spent nearly 2k on drugs on top of the extra 1k for icsi and just really need this to work. I definietly didn't feel so desperate the first time round... or maybe i did and i'm just forgetting.

oaaaggghhhhheeerrooooo the pressure is so pants!


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## poohbear71

hugs Monkey 74 its hard and I think you get more desperate.  Fingers crossed that this is the one for you, remember you only need one.


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## sweetcheeks2009

Hello Lou 
I'm in a similar situation. 
Since having my beautiful daughter (who has just turned 2) we decided to see if we would be so lucky for it to happen again for us but my periods have been all over the place and i don't think I'm ovulating because I'm using the clear blue ovulation monitor and its never read that I'm ovulating :-(
Me and my partner have done all our tests but will not find out what our options are till May!!
When is your app?  Hope you are lucky 2nd time round.  I know exactly how your feeling xxx


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## Twopence

Hi Ladies

I know there hasn't been a post on here for a little while but i just wanted to say that you have all said the things I have been feeling.

I feel so desperate for no 2. I know I am sooooo blessed to have my little L but I would LOVE to give her a sibling for so many reasons. And like Sabah said, I would love to cherish those first few weeks as it was all so tough last time for me and I feel like L and I lost out (very bad PND) after listening to rubbish advie and not trusting my own mummy instinct. 

I love my DD so much it hurts. She is the BEST thing ever in my life and my love for her is so strong it still surprises me daily. I would love to feel this again and to experience a little newborn in my arms again. 

I am so jealous of other women having 2nd children (how awful do i feel for that when i know how hard it can be for other women facing this journey or never holding that precious bundle in their arms). I think because I have been there the thought of never experiencing it again hurts so badly. 

Anyway, I look forward to reading your positive stories.

love and babydust to all xx


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## sweetcheeks2009

Hi Shrimper

I feel the same i want baby number 2 aswell.  How long have you been trying for?  I've been trying for 15 months for my 2nd but having no joy.  I have PCOS which doesn't help at all    I'm going to see my consultant in May so I'm hoping they will give me clomid to help me ovulate.  Are you receiving any treatment?
Hope you get a BFP very soon xx


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## janine-blessme

i am in same boat as many of you had my darling daughter with iui in 2009 just been refered back to hospital trying for number 2 like many of you feel guilty and nervouse about starting it all again ie clomid hoping to find out in few weeks where we stand with treatment funding ect will we get any more goes at iui (as treated diffrent then ivf in some areas) or wether we just stuck back on clomid     

    for good news 

xxx wishing you all luck


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## Twopence

Hi sweetcheeks,

Sorry for the delay in reply. I used to get something telling me there had been a reply but that seems to have stopped so was just checking and there you were!!

In the grand scheme of things we havent been trying long, since November. However, I get so worried that with every AF my endo comes back with avengence I have images of blocked tubes and god knows what!!

AF's are also all over the place and playing terrible tricks on me so if this carries on going to go back to the Dr. I am not having treatment yet. I always used to be pretty much a 28 day girl but last month was 36 days and heading this way again this month  God knows when i am ovulating (if I am!!)

Good luck to you getting your BFP!! How did you get pg last time?

Good Luck Janine - Hope you get your BFP. Have you tried Clomid before?

Love Shrimper


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## sweetcheeks2009

Hi Shrimper
Thats OK don't worry  
Hope your OK, what do you mean AF?  And do you get any symptoms with endo?
My cycles are all over the place!  Last cycle was 44days and cycles before that were alot longer!    I think this is due to my PCOS.  I'm using my monitor this cycle and decided to take my temp aswell to see if i ovulate.
I conceived naturally with my DD which was a massive shock because i was told i would have to have IVF if i wanted to get pregnant. 
I hope you get a BFP very soon    xxx


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## janine-blessme

hiya  Shrimper yes did clomid for 12 months and then toxifen (cant spell) after 4 years of waiting and tests and clomid concieved in 2008 on my first try of IUI ..... daughter is now 22 months and like many of you so gratfull for daughter feel guilty for wanting another... AF all over the place since had my daughter ...me and hubby at hospital on firday to find out options no idea if now we had 1 child we will get any treatment 

does anyone else know or been told if the will get any treatment 

sending positive thoughts to everyone trying 

janine xxx


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## Beep

Hi there

I think treatment will depend on the old postcode lottery but most places wont give free treatment if you have a live child.  Thats how my area is anyways.  I dont know what your situation is or your age but if you are young enough you can think of egg sharing to reduce costs, if your clinic does that.  

   

Love
Beep
x


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## Twopence

Hi Sweetcheeks - I have bought some ovulation tests for this cycle to see what happens as my cycle is still wonky. I used to get very bad endo symptoms but they are much better now since my surgery. I also concieved naturally after being approved for IVF so I know i wouldnt get any NHS help now.

Janine - I havent even been to the dr a second time, maybe I should. AT least they might do some bloods or something. I reallt doubt I will get any tx and TBH, not sure I could handle it but I said that before and was very keen on IVF in the end despite not needing it fortunately. How did you  get on with the cons?

Hi to everyone else, hope you are all well. 

xx


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## janine-blessme

well we went hospital and heard what we expected no more treatment nhs but did get the number for the consaltant that does private treatment too ...but been told conflicting advise some have said as my bm1 is 38 i will not get private treatment either others say that only applies to ivf not iui and we should get treatment as its only insemination... i know i need to loose weight and have lost 1/2 stone already but with pcos find it hard too also i was this size when i concieved last time ... has sent me downhill since i heard cant stop crying already been hold one clinic wont see me at all    

janine xxx


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## toria77

Hi

I've only just found you guys. My twins are nearly 5 and we decided last year to try for another baby. I have a new partner and he hasn't any children. 

We had a tx before xmas which didn't work. Didn't take it that badly. We tried again but I've just got the news that this one hasn't worked either.

To be honest I thought it would be easy as I've already been pregnant. What I wasn't expecting was the feeling of total devestation!!! The want for a child feels as bad as it did before the twins. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have the twins but I would love for them to have another sibling.

Sometimes I feel guilty about wanting another one so badly when some women don't even have one!!! Although I do feel a bit better than I helped someone achieve their dream, I donated on the last tx and she's pregnant!!


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## sabah m

Janine

So sorry to hear about your news, are you able to fund yourselves?  Its crap having to lose weight when food is helping to make up for the big gaping hole of IF!!!  I am trying so hard too to lose weight, my private clinic who I have had all my tx with said not to come back till BMI is below 30.  I lost almost 3 stone for first tx but am struggling so much this time round.  

You have lost half a stone, thats amazing, we both know that getting pregnant the size we are is possible but its having a healthy pregnancy that weight loss increases the chances of.  

Toria    have replied on the other thread, its much worse for me too second time round.  I know its sick and selfish but sometimes think it would have been easier not to get pregnant and have a baby and experience all the joy as I wouldn't have known what I was missing.


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## janine-blessme

Just update we have just found out we can Do iui at our hospital we do have to pay but little less than we thought so that's good also they said nothing about my bmi and we can start as soon as we want excited good try to loose a bit more weight and do a bit of detox too wanna do everything we can to prepare let's hope it's works first time again thinking of doing acupunture too try try to de stress beforehand xxx excited and petrified all at the same time


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## PocketRocket

Hi everybody,

Just found this thread and it is a big relief to hear that so many of you are feeling the same way as me!

I have just started DR on our second cycle of ICSI and although we have been preparing for this tx for a while, I still can't seem to get my head around it all   
I do desperately want another child as our little boy brings us so much joy and happiness, but I am so frightened of the emotional rollercoaster that lies ahead that it is making me feel as though I am not ready for it all?! Does that make sense?!    Being so busy with LO is a fantastic distraction and our lives are so busy which is a great thing as I am not sitting around moping and stressing about what lies ahead as I was last time, but the disadvantage to that is the fact that I don't feel prepared for it all - but do we ever feel prepared for it?!   
The clinic was so laid back about our tx and the build up was so small in comparison to last time that it feels 'wrong'.

Sorry to offload   

Good luck in all your journeys   

Pocket Rocket xxx


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