# Need to make decision donor wise.



## tillie (Apr 9, 2005)

Hi, Ive posted this on other areas of the forum but when I saw this section thought it would be a good idea to post here too so I hope thats ok.

Im all over the place at the moment in what I should do. I am a straight single 40 year old woman who is desperate to be a mum. My partner left me 8 weeks ago and we were half way through treatment at my local NHS fertility clinic. In May they found I had 4 lots of Endo and blasted it away and gave us 6 months to conceive naturally. They said if this didnt happen they would consider fertility drugs and IVF,they have been great. I am devastated that he has left me and devasted at losing this chance with the hospital but have been carrying on with my appointments there as I havent told them anything yet. I had follicle tracking last month but didnt ovulate, I feel I didnt due to all of the stress since him leaving as before this I was fine. Being single I know they will not carry on treating me so I have to look at other options which is really difficult as Im a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment. Funds are tight so DIVF and DIUI even going abroad arnt really an option. Even though I am devasted by my partner leaving the last few days I have started thinking about the baby side of things again. I am scared that if I dont do something now it will be too late and I will regret not doing anything later in the future. I have been looking on the net for sperm donors and have come across this site http://www.sperm-donors-worldwide.com/
I wish I knew someone I could trust but I dont so feel this maybe my only option, although saying that a friend of mine feels she knows some really decent guys that may be happy to donate so I can self inseminate (after them going to the GUM clinic). I am fighting a bit with this one as maybe it would be better to go the total stranger donor route. Have any of you used that site or do you know of any other donor sites? I know going through a clinic would be more ideal but just wondered on this option. 
I have been reading past posts the last couple of days and found some of what Ive read is so emotional. I know its going to be hard being a single mum and I havent much money but I dont want to look back when its too late and wish I'd done something when I had the chance. Even going to my last 4 appointments at my clinic have been really hard knowing I am now single and feeling a total fraud! ZoeP had me in tears saying about how when your single its hard when your in maternity and all the new dads are coming in to see their wifes and partners and theres you without one, its funny finding all the things that Id never thought of. I know not going through a clinic isn't as safe as in the donor will legally be the father but am I right in saying as long as his name isnt on the birth certificate he wont have any parential rights or financial responsibility (although he could fight the pr in court). And I would have to adopt the child at 6 months to have total PR....is that right as seems wierd having to adopt a baby you have given birth too! Any of you that have inseminated yourself can I ask what do you put on the birth certificate as the thought of putting father unknown really makes me feel wierd.
Also after my friend saying she may know some guys its got me thinking to who else can I ask...family/friends if they know of anyone? If so how on earth do you broach the subject?!!
Ive spoken to my mum about it and some friends and they all seem supportive but I know if I am lucky enough to fall I will basically have no support from them as in time out so will be doing the single mum bit pretty much alone which scares me!

Any advice greatly appreciated


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Tilie I don't think you have to adopt your own child to extinguish his PR-I would have thought it is a legal process, ask Natalie the FF lawyer.

What did you decide to do in the end for sperm.

I am 40 single but using a friend as my sperm donor
L x


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## LabLover (Sep 11, 2008)

Hi Tillie

I was once in your position.  I did ask my best male friend, who laughed at me (he has spent the entire 20 years of our relationship laughing at me, that is our dynamic!)  He was not totally off the idea though.  He would have been great "genetic material" - slim, fit, healthy, intelligent, average looking.  IF it is something you consider, just ask becuase if you don't you won't know.

I have no idea about legals, I would investigate it by phoning a families lawyer, at a solicitors as they will know.

Single motherhood and maternity wards - hmm.  MAternity ward, tough but won't friends come and visit?  Hire a doula who will visit?  Have a home birth?  Go to NCT antenatal classes and make some mum friends who will be a great support when you have a small baby?  Believe it or not, being single can be easier - no arguments about breastfeeding v bottle, put down for naps or cuddle to sleep, dummy or no dummy, which pram etc.  Honestly there will be zero arguments about how you look after your baby and bring up your child.  And if you need advice there will always be others off whom to bounce ideas and opinions.

I don't believe that single motherhood is as tough for an older mum as it is for a 22 year old who has just come out of a dysfunctional appalling realtions hip and who has 2 children under 3.  It will honesly not be as difficult as you think and being a new mum generally is nowhere near as terrible as the media like to protray either.  Being older is a huge bonus, trust me, so much more emotionally aware.

If it was me I would deffo go for the single mum option.  Quite how I would do it is a bigger question.  Possibly with a friend but choose him wisely - mine was completely not into children and still isn't even though it is 7 years later and he is now married.

Best of luck

H x


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