# Get fed up with people saying: adopt then



## keephopestrong (Feb 9, 2012)

We have fought male infertility for 19 years and I lose count of the times, people ask if we have children and I just say: no, we can't have children and then they say: why not adopt then?  I mean if it were as easy as that, we would not hesitate!  In fact it makes me horribly angry the amount of children who need loving parents but the red tape involved puts up invisable walls!!

Then we get, people ranting and raving at us because we want our own child, that there are tons of children needing a home and they think it is really selfish of us!!

Honestly, it takes a lot of courage not to slap them in the face!!!

Anyone else found this?

Suzanne


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## Cazne (Jul 19, 2009)

Oh yes! Even had it from my own sister who thought I should just be grateful to adopt! I sympathise Suzanne, it can be tough.


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Suzanne,

I think that most people do not know what to say when they discover that you are experiencing infertility.  Also, people think that adoption is just a matter of applying to the local authority and that you can nearly pick the age and sex of the child that you would like.  

On the numerous times that people used to suggest it to me, I would say that adoption is not the cure for infertility and adoption is actually creating a family and that I was suffering from infertility, which meant that I could not create my own family.  If that person had children, I would ask them if they had considered adoption for their first or subsequent children and if not, why not and how long they might have kept trying for their own child before being ready for adoption?  If the person has a real issue with the amount of children in care, how come they did not consider that route before having their own children?

Overall, people are too happy to give their opinions on what they think you should do, but do not like the shoe to be on the other foot.  I've grown really brave over the last few years and have had to defend my decision to follow my own path to many times, but I always gave as good as I got.  

How is that some people think that it is us to people who can't have children to take care of all the children who need homes?  It does not make any sense.

Dee


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Yep been there   .


Tbh now a days i tend to be a lot better at weening out the people who are going to make silly remarks.  So there for just say "no" and move on, so i dont give them a chance to say something that may upset me.  When i have begun to get to know someone or i feel that they would probably not give a silly remark, i tell them.  Tbh i feel the general puplic are pretty uneducatated about fertility issues and adoption issues and i think its human nature to try and put a positive spin on what ever anyone tells you.  So by mentioning adoption they feel as if they are being positive!


I never want to become an angry person so i try really really hard not to get angry with people, i can handle the silly thoughtless comments.  The comments that i can not handle are the few people who make cutting remarks to get a reaction, that has only happened once and its something i will never forget.  Its not something i will go into because it still hurts now   .


I sometimes feel we live in such a judgemental society if you dont fit into the norm of 2 . 2 children then you dont fit in!  People just dont understand what they have no experience of.


Personally i think society as a whole have a responsibility to help children who need a home, not just people who struggle to have a child of their own. xxxxxxxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Irish Dee I am sure i have said it before but congratulations i was so so pleased to hear that you were pg.  xxxxxxx


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

People never seem to be able to say ´you should adopt then´, they always say ´you should just adopt then´as if its as simple as ordering the catalogue and picking the baby you want ready for delivery 24 hours later.

I used to want to slap people Suzanne when I received such words of wisdom, now I try to feel slightly smug about the fact that I have an empathy and understanding that people like that will never have ............. while getting the voodoo doll out later obviously 

Katxxx


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## keephopestrong (Feb 9, 2012)

Kat, so agree with you - not sure about the vodoo doll as I am a christian   But yes, it does seem as though they could be saying: oh look at this catalogue etc.

What gets to me is that they can't just say: I am so sorry to hear about that and hope things change for the better.  In fact, I know one christian sister who has 4 children and she is wonderful!  Never has she uttered those horrible words to me and just squeezes my hand to show she cares and that means all the world to me.

I remember once saying that we could not have children and this woman said: oh I found it very easy to get pregnant as though she was better than me and something wrong with me.  I just smiled and wished she would fade away, but alas didn't!!


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## fiona in welwyn gc (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi All


I must admit that I have only had one person who said that to me ... and it did make me    for all the reasons that you have all put forward.  It was the implication that infertile/subfertile women should carry the responsibility of children needing adoption.  Ce?? 


What i sometimes say, is because ... I long to be pregnant, to feel a baby kick inside me, to give birth (though I understand it is over-rated   ) to hold a new born baby in my arms and to watch my baby grow from day one knowing that I am it's mother.


And with adoption I have to give up all those things .. that would be yet another grieving process for me - I have already had to give up on my genes and go for Donor Egg.  It is not nothing to give up on all those things.


I have a friend who is trying to adopt, and if ever I had contemplated it, it has really put me off. 


I have to say, most people have been very empathetic to me and I try to focus on them.


Fee
xx


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## Vickytick (Feb 25, 2011)

Can only agree wholeheartedly with you ladies on this one. The amount of times people have said just adopt. I agree it's the just bit that gets me as well. As though you just walk into and they had the baby over. We've investigated adoption and know he process is tough. I also know a couple who ticked all the boxes and were rejected so it's not guaranteed. Only people with children canbe blindsighted to think its tht easy to give up the dream of carrying your own child and feel it kicking.

Good luck ladies in your journey


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## Mouette (May 9, 2009)

I think it has a lot to do with the fact they did not have to fight for it. For them, children just happened. So why should adoption being any different, it's the same right, a kid is a kid... They never had to seriously ask themselves whether they truly wanted kids. They never had to wonder whether having a non-biological child would make a difference. To them, it's basically the same as having kids, only you skip the 9 months part... you "just" apply, and a few months later you get a newborn baby fresh out of the maternity unit... right...
It unnerves me too. But I have to admit that before I was ttc, and before I found out how difficult the adoption process is, my reaction was also to ask "why not adopting, then?". So I can understand....


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

I'm so glad I've seen this thread, this is the question that I fear the most as DH and I are pretty much clear after many hrs talking it over that adoption is not an option. I have a friend who I talked to about it a few weeks back, I explained our reasons, one by one and her opinion was very much 'oh you'll regret it' and 'that's a bit selfish, all these children need a home' and 'of course id have adopted if I didn't have my own but of course, I did have my own so couldn't possibly'. 

For DH and I, whether it's selfish or not, we have decided that we don't want to adopt, to raise someone else's child, DH especially doesn't think he could bond with or love that child as it would deserve to be loved. We would worry that we could not cope with the issues that the child may have as it is rare nowadays that children in 'the system' have not come from some sort of abusive background, then there are the issues of displacement and rejection as the child grows up as they come to terms with the fact that they were unwanted and wAnt then to get to know their real family, who you have to remain in touch with through the child's life anyway.  I don't know why I'm writing this all here but I went through all this with her and still the response was 'well you might get lucky and get one with no issues'.


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## Cazne (Jul 19, 2009)

Raspberrytipple, 

It's not selfish! Adoption isn't some kind of booby prize - you have to want to do it and if you don't want to do it that's your choice. What right does your friend have to be so judgemental?  I'm sure her comments are well intended but in no way are you obliged to adopt!

It makes me so mad when people think they can say such things. BTW - I'm with you, it's not for us either. I have nothing but respect for adopters but it isn't for everyone. Please don't feel bad.

Cazne xxx


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