# How did you make the decision? Anyone with a child already?



## Talitha (aka Pickle) (May 13, 2008)

Hello all,

If you have read my earlier post you will know that we have had very first thought of adoption, after ttc no. 2 for 4 yars and failed icsi this summer. We have one naturally conceived wonderful daughter already but would dearly love to extend our family.

My dh is stunned I've began thinking about adoption, clearly previous references to it in conversations (not often) have had more significance for me than for him. I am really starting to think about it a lot hough, I can't stand the rejection and disappointment of failing any more and I just want to get on with life and more on positively. I'm not giving up hoping but I do feel like giving up what feels like fighting, or at least arguing with nature! I know that maybe icsi 2nd time could work but I'm scared to spend more money and the disappointment again would be awful. 

Things I'm concerned about are the long process of adoption and how gruelling it could be, how they might view our not fantastic finances (though we are lucky to have a good house and enough income) and being turned down. I have had a conversation to make enquiries with a social worker already though, and he was positive. Maybe I've started to expect disappointment? I know my dh is concerned it could be very complicated. 

I'm also concered about bonding, I love being a mother and my dh is a wonderful father but what if we didn't feel comparative feelings for an adopted child as for our dd? I know we wouldn't have the same feelings, but then they would be different people and that could be the case even with a birth child. 

We have loads to offer and family life is everything to us, even though we have interesting working lives. We have an expression in our house that when our dd won't eat all her food but still wants pudding we say 'well I suppose pudding does go to a different part of the tummy'  and it's sort of like that with this. Life is full of wonderful things, most of all our dd but there is still a gap. She doesn't need everything we have to give, I don't want to smother her, I want to be able to give that love to another little one who needs us too.

Does anyone have experience of adopting when you already have a child of your own,  and has anyone had to work through different feelings at the starting point between you and your dh or dp? Thanks for reading if you've got this far!

Clare xx


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Clare,

I have a nearly 18year old birth son to a previous relationship.  After 5 failed icsis with my dh we opted for the adoption route although we had always said at the beginning of treatment we wouldnt of considered adoption but I guess as times go by and like you say coping with the rejection and disappointment of failed treatment we just wanted a child between us from whatever route.

I considered my son throughout the process and right up to matching panel I lost a lot sleep over feelling guilty for him like he wasnt enough, been selfish lots of negative thoughts really also thought I wouldnt love our ad the same as my son, however that all changed very quickly as I felt an instant bond with her on first sight and now I  couldnt bear life without she might as well be part of me and sometimes I forget she isnt my biological child.  My son is a doting and caring brother to her and also very protective of her for us the age gap couldnt of worked better.

Good luck I hope you work out a solution and choose the right path for your family

Dawny


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## Talitha (aka Pickle) (May 13, 2008)

Hi Dawny,

Thanks so much for your message.  It's a lot to think through especially as at the moment dh and I are at different places with it. It's really lovely to think of your sotory though and so encouraging. My conversation with the sw was great too and he was very positive, saying that my dh's age wouldn't be a problem because I am so much younger but since then I have read stuff about applications not being accepted for 0-2s when the older parent is over 44 yrs 6 mts and it's made me all fidgety about it. But you can't hurry it and we do have various aspects of our circumstances on our side. 

Perhaps it's because my dh is 44 (and 1 month today!!) that he's less concerned to have reached the older child stage with parenting. I just don't feel ready though to be the parent of older children only, I'm wondering where all the time has gone!

I also feel that a 0-2 would be much easier for our dd to welcome into our family.  She has always naturally talked of a 'baby' brother or sister and an older child I would imagine would a) be more threatening to her position in our family and b) could require considerably more emotional support/undivided attention from us in the first instance if he or she had come from very difficult circumstances.  I think these are good reasons so hope they would be considered. The sw did say that they would agree that there should at least be a considerable difference in age between them.

Thanks so much for your message it was so encouraging.

Clare xx


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## sammyjochick (Sep 14, 2008)

Hi Clare

I have a biological son (age 6) and an adopted son (age 3). We started the adoption process when our eldest was 6 months as we'd always wanted to adopt. The plan was for 4 kids - two adopted and two biological -ironically when we started trying to concieve again nothing happened - hence the treatment.

Our sons are everything to us - there are differences in how they came to us and they are very different personality wise - but each one is so special in thier own way. For me, and I think everyone is different, there was more of a 'process' involved with loving my youngest - I learnt to love him day by day - and I just think that with my eldest I'd been going through that 'process' while I carried him, with adoption you don't have that luxury!!

We're in the 2ww now of our last tx. We'd definately adopt again.


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## lola C (Jun 16, 2007)

Hi Talitha

I wondered if you had any more thoughts on this.  I am in a similar position to you - I have an almost six year old DS and we have been TTC for nearly four years.  We have a very recent failed IVF and I feel sad that my DS won't get a chance to be a 'big brother'.  

I remembered a conversation with another mother a few years ago - she was saying how upset she was at having to have a C-section - and I said - at the end of the day it doesn't matter how the child got there - she was still a mum!  It occured to me that it's the same sort of thing with adoption.  Does that make sense to you?

I think I would have the same concerns as you - about loving them/treating them differently.

Anyhow, I will follow with interest...I have asked DH to have a think about adoption but I'm not sure how keen he is...

Best wishes

Lola xx


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