# Brother in Law as Sperm Donor HELP



## martessvic (Aug 12, 2010)

Hi,

I have had two IVFs and had BFN.  My husband has low sperm count and  I have PCOS.  Its been almost 14 years of just trying to get pregnant and nothing.  I am 33 and really want a child.  My husband suggested that we take his brother up on his offer of offering to be sperm donor.  His brother is 43 and has never really had long term relationships and does not want children.  I dismissed this offer years ago but now its all I can think about.  What should I do and has anyone done just this that could offer me some advice please.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Would you plan to be honest with your kid/s about their real parentage?
I think it's a valid option to 'keep it in the family' but I believe before you make a decision you and your DH should have some counselling about how you both feel.
You'd also need to find out who to put on the birth certificate, as your husband your DH would automatically count as the bio parent of the child - this is more a legal question (Natalie Gamble can help).

I am pregnant to a known donor I planned to co-parent with as a single woman, but things never turn out quite as you'd expect when those issues are concerned. You may be very happy to be pregnant at last, or have confused feelings because you may prefer your DH to be the father and it could feel weird to see your child's bio dad as just the uncle.
Don't feel pressure to act now, but try to consider all your options and write them down. It is nice of your BIL to offer, but his mind may also have changed since you last discussed it.
Best of luck!xx


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## martessvic (Aug 12, 2010)

Thanks for the advice.  I think that BIL is still happy to do this, something he has mentioned recently to my husband.  I know what you mean about the whole uncle/father.  I think that is what I am finding hard to consider myself.  I would have to have some counselling before doing anything I know that, just to make sure it is what we both want.  As for telling the child, suppose as easy as it is in your head to explain to the child what the situation is, must be hard for a child to understand, no matter what their age and would not want to cause any upset in the family etc.  Ideal world just hope that the child understands that all we ever wanted was to give them life and love.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

I think the earlier children learn of how they came about, the more normal it will be for them and they won't ever remember not knowing.
The Donor Conception Network has books just for kids about those issues, and every fertility clinic offers free counselling as part of your treatment so you can talk through your feelings prior to going ahead.
If you plan to ttc at home, it's still a good idea to get some counselling and legal advice x


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

I wouldn't do it. At some point, while sitting all of you together and the child is there, it might bring certain feelings to your husband. Even it would be strange for a child to know the truth and still call him an "uncle", esp when older. If you have to choose a donor sperm,  go for unknown who wouldn't appear in your life. Although you wouldn't know anything about that person, still it wouldn't cause uncomfort later on among you.


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## Tiffanymi (Jan 18, 2013)

Hi

I am in a similar but different situation. I am going to DEs and deciding whether to use my siblings eggs or a stranger. 2 doctors recommended that I use a strangers due to fall outs, confusion later on. I know of people who are absolutely fine with using family, but for me, it would be less complicated and feel more like mine if anonomous. But it is a personal choice as well. All the best I know how difficult the decision is...


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