# Trying to accept a life without children.



## lynnf (Mar 18, 2014)

Hi I'm new here and have never used forums of any type before so bear with me please. 

2 weeks ago my husband and I had our 3rd failed ivf attempt.  We've had 2 on the NHS and we paid for the 3rd one.  

The first one produced a positive result which was the happiest moment of our lives.  Unfortunately I got my period the next morning and our world came crashing down.

The second went along from what I can gather as a typical cycle but failed. 

The third produced very few follicles and only 2 eggs were recovered. Both were mature eggs and the clinic have no idea why they didn't fertilise. 

Each cycle has been completely different and a total rollercoaster as we had no idea what was coming next.  

We have now discussed it and have decided not to try again as we have no money and the emotional distress caused to both of us is too much to bear. I don't want to let it take over our marriage or get into debt because I think that would pile on more stress.

I am totally lost now as we have been trying for the last 6 years and it seems to be what our lives have all been about.  I now have to change what I say to people from we are trying to we can't have children.  I can't even think about it let alone say it without crying.  

People seem to say if its for you it will happen and other equally unhelpful things.  I know they don't know what to say but I'm so angry and bitter at the moment I feel like screaming at them. I don't know what to do to move on which is why I've came here looking to just talk to people who have been through the same thing as nobody knows unless you've been there.


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## tjennym (Jul 8, 2010)

Hi lynnf

I'm in a similar situation to you but seem to be stuck at a crossroad of one more go or not?

We've also had 3 rounds of IVF - 2 resulted in BFP but I sadly miscarried both around the 7 week mark just before my viable scan which is truly heartbreaking  

I completely understand about not wanting to be in debt and the emotional rollercoaster that IVF puts you on - it's all too much at times and I like you value my marriage & love my DH too much to jeopardise that.

I swing daily from 'no, I'm happy with just me & DH' to 'Yes, I want me & DH to have a family' and it's driving me insane!

Have you honestly closed the door on more IVF as there are cheaper options going abroad - it's not for everyone but maybe something to think about if you are still really unsure?  We always said we would stop at 3 but getting 2 BFPs has changed this final decision and just added to the desire since we were so close.

Sorry I've not really helped much but I just wanted to share my experience / feelings as they are similar.

i hope someone comes on with their magic wand and makes it all better  

Jenx


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## lynnf (Mar 18, 2014)

Hi tjennym

Thanks for your reply.  Just knowing there is someone who feels the same makes me feel better so thankyou. 

I'm so sorry it hasn't worked for you either.  Sometimes I think I'm lucky that I didn't get to your stage as I think that would be the hardest thing to cope with and I don't know how you do it. I hope that doesn't sound bad because I don't mean it to. 

IVF was hard enough here at home with the support of my family who have been great (if not sometimes too great lol). I don't think I could cope in another country. 

We feel like if we spend any more money on it we will need to put our lives on hold as we need repairs to the house can't go on holidays etc...  I'm tired of trying. I feel like this could go on till the menopause if we let it. 

If we knew it would definitely work we would sell our home to pay for it.  Unfortunately life is not like that.

My husband says he can't take another cycle emotionally and he doesn't talk alot about these things.  I think I underestimated how much it took out of him as all the focus was on me.  He says it hurts him to see me so upset.  

He says he is ok with not having children but it breaks my heart that he wont be a dad I think more than I wont be a mum. I'm just so low just now and I don't know what to do.


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Dear Lynnf,

Welcome to FF. This sounds like such a painful time for you  .  Coming to the decision not to try IVF again must be a very hard and emotional one.  It sounds like you have given it your all and I guess for all of us, if we do not conceive by a certain point, there comes a time when we have to draw a line under it and try to move on with our lives, in a different way than we had planned or hoped, and that is deeply painful and sad.  

I know for me (3 years TTC, unable to try IVF as my DH has two children) sometimes I just feel in limbo as if part of my life is on hold and I don't want to miss out on life!  Like you we have spent money on various things to try and help and I too do not want to get in to debt, which as you say could cause more stress.  I think coming to this decision is very painful, have you had any counselling before?  Maybe finding a counsellor who has undertaken specific training in fertility issues, who has experience in this area could help you to process all that you are feeling and the impact of the decision to stop?  

At times this jouney feels like such an up and down, out of control, roller-coaster of emotions, going through phases of hope and hopelessness time and time again, that sometimes I think all we can control is deciding to stop trying, deciding to let go and move on.  How we move on will be differet for all of us, we ahev to grieve the loss of the baby we have not had, the baby of our dreams.  It doesn't mean that you didn't want it enough or you weren't meant to be a mother, people do stop and stop knowing that they tried, they tried all they could.  What we try, how we try and when we stop is differnt for all of us.  I don't know whether any of this will mean anything to you or be helpful in anyway, but I wish you all the best


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## Annie-Girl (Nov 12, 2007)

Hi lynnf,
First things first big, huge,   
Im in the same kind of place to you. Even though i have not yet gone through the process of IVF.  I am unable to have children as i had a ectopic pregnancy and due to the rupture it caused some other damage to my remaining tube which i had to have removed about a year after the ectopic. That relationship broke down after all of this as I didnt deal with it all very well.  
Im now with my current partner who is older than me and already has 2 children (aged 16 & 20) but we both decided to have our own baby.  We had our first IVF appointment booked, i was so nervous and deverstated to be informed that we would have to pay for the treatment. I seriously thought that because i was the one who had the problems, it would be ok. We simply do not have this kind of money and my partner isnt that keen on getting a loan, etc as he sees it being a lot of money on something that may not even work... he does not feel the same as me as he already has children.  He not a great talker either and really does not know what to say to me, but i feel totally heartbroken and find it very hard to even think about not having children at all in my life.... 
Like you i do get very emotional and angry, and find myself lost.  My friends tell me to find something else to focus on, but i dont feel anyone can comment unless they have been through it.
Annie


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## victoria :) (Mar 17, 2014)

Ladies... 
Feel heart broken reading this. 
Wished i could win the lottery and put these things right! Make sure you buy a euromillions just in case. 
I saw an ivf clinic abroad online once which looked great and although its not something you fancy... Maybe time out/holiday/cheap ivf/warm weather rolled into one may be a good idea? 
I may not be helping at all but will try to find the website and post it incase. 
Also did you see the post about the cheaper ivf option that was on the news not that long ago? Its aprox 1000 pounds. 

Maybe take a little time out..., gather strengths, save up and give it one more go. Dont give up. I know its easy said.... Keep your head up and dont be defeated. You can cope, were all stronger than we thought. Xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I think you know deep down when you are ready and when you are not! As we see in FF all the time people step back to recover and when they're ready emotionally or financially jump back on the horse again.

If you ever do decide to try again pls dont discount going abroad as success rates can be excellent and treatment WAY more relaxed than here (plus you get a holiday thrown in lol) just check some of the abroad clinic threads (wink wink Serum ) to get an idea x


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## lynnf (Mar 18, 2014)

Thanks for all your replies. It makes me feel better that I'm not alone in dealing with this. 

On the day we found out the eggs hadn't fertilized we booked a holiday for the following week.  I was focusing on getting ready to go away then focused on being on holiday.  It was only when we came back last week that it really seemed to hit me.  

My clinic offers 3 free counseling sessions with each cycle.  My husband and I went out for a meal last night and discussed what we should do.  I am going to go to the counselling sessions alone as he does not feel like it would make a difference to him (I think it would but I'm not going to force him).  I'm a talker and he is not.  I know it will be a long process but I feel like if I could just get to the point of talking about it without crying that would be a big step for me. 

Yesterday and today I haven't cried so this is progress.  Its not going to happen over night but I'm beginning to feel a bit more positive about our lives without children. I'm tired of feeling like this and I'm not going to let it beat me.  It will always be a heartache but with time and help I feel like I can get through this.  Think I had hit rock bottom when I originally posted so I thank you all for being there for me and letting me feel like there is life after IVF.  

xxx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi Lynnf,

I am glad that you are feeling a little bit better and you have decided to go and have some counselling.  It may be a good thing that you are going alone as you can have the space just for you and to be however you need to be there and say whatever you want to say without worrying about the impact on DH or anyone else.  Like you said it wont happen overnight, you will be going through a grieving process, but I'm glad to hear you're not going to let it beat you, we only have one life and it would be so terrible if you lost out on really living.  I am also trying to think about life without children and thankfully I can just about bear that thought (well today anyway, it's up and down!).  It's painful and it's not what I want, but I can't control it  . Wishing you all the best, big hug for you


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## 1978bex (Mar 4, 2014)

Hi everyone.

Not sure I'm all that qualified to comment on this post as I am just starting out on a first cycle of ICSI, and I truly hope that nothing I say comes across as offensive or makes anyone feel worse than they do.  I made the decision to comment anyway as we went through a stage where we thought there wasn't a way forward for us.  I went into total melt down at first - my DH has a son and because of this was refused funding for IVF, him having a son is apparently supposed to benefit both of us regardless of the fact that he is 19 and I only see him once every few months.  I felt so bitter about this, and at the time part of me blamed him for what I thought at the time was the end of our journey.  I've got past this now, but still can't believe the unfairness of it all.

When reading all these posts, even through the heartbreak that people are going through, I think the decisions that are being made  are so brave, and the progress that people are making is amazing, although I'm sure many of you don't feel it. Be proud of yourselves, I think you're all amazing and inspiring people, and that you are willing to share your experiences will mean a tower of support and strength for others as much as you need it yourselves. I know I do!

While some peoples decisions are final, and I totally respect this, I just wanted to throw something else out there.......is adoption something that anyone would consider?  I have been to a meeting about it and it sounds absolutely amazing for those that feel it could be for them.  Also i now several people who have adopted who initially said they never would as it it wouldn't be the same.  Their lives have been totally transformed in such a positive way.

I just want to leave now by saying I truly wish everyone a happy, positive, and fulfilling future with whatever decisions or roads you take.

All the best, until I hear from you again.


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hi Lynn
I have swung backwards and forwards for the last 12 years saying to myself I have to walk away.  I couldn't until I have tried everything.  The decision to switch to donor eggs took away the time pressure with my age.  On Monday I had 4 blasts transferred and I am still on holiday in lovely sunny Cyprus.  Totally relaxed compared to the UK and if this cycle does not work then I will save and try again.  At around £5000 all in it is roughly half the cost of the UK with double the success rate.  PM me if I can help with any questions you may have.
TC x


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hello lynnf, welcome to FF.

It's a very brave decision to make to cease trying.  I reached that stage myself once on the journey but in the end my DH saw how miserable I was and we did "one more for closure". I was incredibly luck (and we threw every trick in the book at it that time) and I was blessed with a DS, but, I did have a whole period of adjusting to the idea of a childless life. 

I remember reading a couple of good books at the time: Beyond Childlessness was one. It was a very difficult read but ultimately rewarding and I'd certainly recommend it, and a few hankies while reading. At the end, there's hope that life can be enjoyable and real again beyond the pain and loss.

It is absolutely normal and natural for you to be feeling anger and pain; you are grieving; you have lost something so few people can even begin to contemplate, let along understand, but your grief is very very real. If you had lost a much loved family member people would be understanding and would give you space and time to grieve for that loss, but infertility is such a private and personal type of grief and those who have never lost that will never be able to empathise and won't see the "big deal".  It's up to you to be kind to yourselves and allow yourself time to grieve properly so that you can move on with your life without it tearing you apart.

Where you go from now will depend on how you feel about other options that might be open to you. We have a couple of useful sections on FF: the first is for those who may have exhausted conventional treatment and might, for instance, be looking into things like surrogacy, donors, or adoption and that can be found here: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=539.0
The second is for those who have made the decision to move on and life a life without children and that is found here: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=94.0

The one other piece of advice I might give is, whatever you feel, it's ok if you change your mind. You may - in 6 months or a year - feel stronger or be in a different place and be thinking of your options. Or you may have reached a point where you're ok with this. Whatever happens, what you do is right for you. 

Caz


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Hi Lynnf

Welcome to fertility friends 

This is a great site, and as you see there are many ladies in similar situations to yourself. You might find this section of the site of particular help, for ladies that have made the decision to move on from treatment:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=94.0

There is also this one, for ladies who are still in the decision making stage:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=539.0

From my own experience, only you will know when it is time to accept and move on. I haven't been able to reach that place yet, and have decided to try until I am forty, it helps to have that cut off. Have you considered taking a year out, have a break from it all, have a holiday, drink, eat what you like and not think about TCC, it really worked for me. I found, when I came back to the subject after a year, I wanted to try again, I wanted to give it another chance. We also changed clinic as a way of having a fresh start and that helped us. As I say, only you know your own mind and I hope the counselling is helping, it's helped me a great deal.

Take care

Wendy
x


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

Caz, our posts must have crossed, sorry!


See? So much support we are climbing over each other to help


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi Lynnf, 
I just wanted to add try not to put pressure on yourself to accept things- it will be a natural process that happens over time and counselling will help.
I promise you that it does get easier - I am a year and half since our last cycle and although I still would love to have children, I am able to see an alternative life now.
I joined gateway women which helped a lot - and downloaded lots of books but you will need time. It is a bereavement that no-one can truly understand that has not walked our path xxx


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## lynnf (Mar 18, 2014)

Thankyou so much for all your replies.  It has really helped me knowing there are people out there who have been through it and who care.  I'm doing alright.  I have my good days and my bad days.  I am going to get the books recommended to me and I'm going to phone the counselor tomorrow and make an appointment.  Haven't been able to face phoning the clinic yet. 

Thankyou again for being there for me. 

xxx


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