# Our relationship



## Guest (Dec 11, 2007)

Hi Guys, 

Dh and I have had a really hard year and almost lost sight of why we are together tbh. And then sometimes things happen that bring it all back and help your bond, I guess it would be impossible to go through all we do without drifting along the way....isn't it? 

Anyway last night a big row occurred between us and old friends, friends who we came to the conclusion were not friends after they failed to support us at any stage of this hideous journey. Anyway, it was basically dh's best mate and they were tied up in some business issues and we needed to cut lose, when doing this at the end of it all dh asked his mate 'what happened to our friendship, we seemed to drift apart when Jo and I struggled to conceive?' and the email that came back from his wife (yes not him!) was just awful, saying how I pulled away from them and failed to attend gatherings with them (I missed two kids parties). Anyway to cut a long story short (I am trying) dh defended me and said that everytime I didn't go out a treatment was taking place or had just failed etc. and sent her a copy of the empty arms doc and told her to read it!

The worst part is we introduced these friends to another couple which we were good friends with, (my bestmate & friend since fourteen). Sadly this year after working at our friendship for a longtime (they also have two perfect children) this friend decided that she didn't want to know me anymore and basically said she was sick of hearing about how sorry we feel for ourselves and everyone has thier own problems...nice I know! Anyway the b**** with the email said I think its so sad how your not friends with us or the other couple....as if it was our doing!

So last night we sat together upset, frustrated and feeling let down and watched the Empty Arms doc together. Anyway my point is, this was it, this was the moment of me drifting along...wondering where we would end up was discovered. We had drifted because we had to, it was our way of taking time out and getting through this tough period...but it takes a situation like this to understand just how lucky you are and that I love my husband very much


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi hun,

Just wanted to give you a  
It's true, you DO find out who your real friends are through the tough times.

I tell myself everyday how very lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband (we were both married before and both had some very difficult years with our ex-spouses).
We also reassure each other that we WILL be ok if we never reach our dream of being a mummy and daddy as we have something so special and he will always be enough for me (and I know this is reciprocated)

I do hope you reach your dream hun, but you are right, you do have something very special already and I have learned through the years that its rarer than we think.

Your friends are the ones who have lost out hun, and who knows, maybe they were jealous of the strong bond you and DH have. Maybe in turn it mirrored cracks in their own relationships. It's often never as 'cut and dry' as it first seems when friendships break down, but they are the ones in the wrong and they are the ones losing out at the end of the day.

Lots of love to you hun,

Angie xxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Jodie,

You say that it is probably inevitable that people like us drift. I think you are so right. When life goes off the expected course it is no wonder that we loose our way.

Couples who quite naturally always expected their life together to include having children face an enormous challenge, which is "What on earth do we do next/instead?" Childlessness is not our chosen path, and there is no map to show us the way. It is not surprising if many couples dealing with IF drift apart at least for a while as each partner struggles to come to terms with all they have been through and begins to contemplate what a different future might look like, it can be that each partner deals with this in a different way. It is a cause for celebration if, like you and DH, a couple have a close connection that will enable them to hold onto their love. So well done you two that you have been feeling closer recently in the face of the disappointment of being let down by friends!

If a loving couple can drift apart (at least for a while) as the result of IF, it has to be likely that we will drift way from friends (and even family) whse lives seem to be ticking along hunkydory. Many people whose lives (so far) turn out much as planned cannot find the empathy to understand how difficult it can be to deal with the huge issue that is IF. Meanwhile those of us experiencing the raw stages of IF can find it imposssible to take part in the celebrations of birth and baby parties that are such a feature of our friends' lives. I am still sometimes finding it hard now my friends are celebrating grandchildren!

The foundation for many friendships is common experience, so when our experiences drastically differ friendship may be hard to sustain That does not need to detract from the fact that friendships based on shared experience are not valuable *in their time * and does not mean that when the pain of leaving such friendships behind passes, we cannot remember them fondly. We may even be able to renew these friendships when we have all moved on.

Other friendships can survive these differences if something else holds us together. If we are lucky we will have some friendships that are never dependant on shared experience but have always been based on some sort of deeper connection.

I have to say that for me the friendships that run deepest are generally those with people whose lives have taken a different path than the norm. My best friends include a young gay man whose dad died when my friend was 19, a colleague whose husband left her to bring up their severely disabled son , and a woman whose eldest daughter died at age 14. This may sound a bit depressing, but these 3 friends are all really warm and positive people. Maybe what we have in common is the fact that our lives have been a bit unusual? It seems to me that people who have not followed an easy path are much better equipped to understand that life can mean that sometimes we are strong enough to give friends support and that sometimes we need to be given more support or space.

I hope you are getting the support you need.

LoL Jq ss


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## cammomile (Nov 28, 2007)

Hey there Jodie  
I'm so sorry this has happened with your friends. I know this sounds trite, but REALLY it is their loss  . 

It is so painful when friendships break down because of (or at the time of) our IFstruggles. Sadly I think all of us can relate to this. What JQ has said is extremely 'right' tho (well done jq!!) - in that friendship is often about shared experience, and when that 'in common' stuff goes it can be so hard to maintain. But its also very true that there are friendships which can transcend this, and ones which you will come back to. Funnily enough I have recently lost a friend to all this IF stuff - we were friends for 15 yrs and it's been like losing touch with a family member... . BUT strangely I have also been back in touch with a different friend who I sort of fell out with fairly near the beginning of our IF journey (many years ago!) because I felt she was very insensitive to our troubles - whilst having babies herself. Last year I was able to tell this friend why I was upset with her- and she took it really well, and we have gradually become friends again.

What I'm saying is that friendship can come and go- but sometimes you can mend and heal relationships that seem to be lost forever. It's so hard Jodie, and I really really understand. I have always loved my friends so much, and perhaps 'held on' to relationships which really had run their course out of the fear that i would be a billy no mates. But in the end, I think it;s about having the confidence to go it alone almost (well, with your dh obviously), and accept that at some times in your life you have to let people go. 

It's wonderful that you and your dh have each other. I know we all know how much IF can shake a marriage.

Lots of love, cammomile (ex-ruby!) xx


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## Guest (Dec 12, 2007)

Ladies, thank you all for your posts of support it means a lot to talk to others who understand the pain


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## helen273 (Jan 26, 2006)

Hi Jodie

I can identify with going through the 'why are we still together' feeling. I have had some awful rows with my DH this year as a result of our IF and treatment. Basically he doesn't see not having children as being a big problem now and I am still finding it very difficult to accept as the majority of people we know already have children or are getting pregnant seemingly very easily (three in the last week!) I have also noticed that a fair few have been avoiding us, and I suspect it's because of our IF too. It's very alienating.

I think most people are generally quite c**p when it comes to dealing with others who are going through bad times. I experienced this a few years ago when I got divorced from my first husband, I was amazed at how quickly our so-called 'friends' fell away then and just ignored me. I also saw it first hand when a very close friend  of mine was widowed 10 years ago - people rallied round for the first few months and then quickly drifted away again when they realised how deeply it had affected her. 

When you are forced (like us) to look at the rest of your life and accept that it's not what you wanted it's so hard to find positives sometimes, I struggle with that and a lot of the time I feel like a complete misfit with no purpose in life. Somehow, though (usually after a cry and a glass of wine) I remember that there are so many other people whose lives haven't worked out the way they wanted (like my widowed friend) and, even though our circumstances are not the same, a lot of the effects can be.

We are not alone 

xx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Jodie ..that was spooky how much that hit home with me; because that is exactly what a 'friend' of mine did to me, as if we don't know that other people have problems and we would still be there for other people that had problems but I don't think people realise how all consuming fertility treatment can be and how much of your energy it can take up;  by being honest with my other friends about this I have realised that I do have a lot of great friends and although they will never fully understand what it feels like to go through it they do not judge and they are there for me which is all that I could ever ask.. 

You are better off cutting loose from friends like that .. because it is hard enough to get through this without having such negativity in your life.. and really what is the big deal about you missing a couple of children's parties ... I am sure that the child is not that worked up about it, I do think that sometimes we try and make friendships last forever but like some of the others have said sometimes friendships just run their course..

Mine was the mother of my God-Child so it made it more difficult but I just send her presents/cards and don't feel guilty about not seeing her. 

I wish you well hunny; you have lots of virtual friends on here  
Cat x


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