# Rejected



## Lindoprincess (Jul 23, 2013)

Just been rejected, not allowed to move on to stage 2. Why? Because over 20 years ago I had a brief relationship with a nutter. He beat me up quite badly once. I survived I escaped, if anything it made me a stronger person. Not to my social worker though. Apparently I'm just totally incapable of dealing with anything. My husband and I's relationship means nothing it seems, the whole rest of my life means nothing. Nothing we can say, nothing we can do. So over 20 years on a nutter who chose to use me as a punch bag has taken away my only chance to be a mum and somewhere out there are kids who could have had a nice life will be left with well, not very much.

I can't describe the devastation but the pain of this is far worse than the kicking I got years ago

It's just not fair


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I couldn't read and run.  I can't give you any advice - hopefully someone who can will be along soon - but just wanted to offer virtual support. What a horrible situation for you.  Is there any way you can appeal?

xxx


----------



## Lindoprincess (Jul 23, 2013)

There's no point. I'm labelled, damaged.


----------



## jules40:)x (Jun 15, 2011)

I'm so sorry to read your story is it worth trying a different agency or consider adoption abroad? I don't know the story that led you to adoption but I can't believe that this can be fair - not offering anything helpful I know just a   Really xx


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hugs Lindo,

I would def say try another agency. Let them know what's happened and see what they say. There's many folks on this board who have appealed/changed amilieagencies and now waiting if have their forever families.

Please don't let a mad man ruin your dream x x


----------



## babas (Oct 23, 2013)

Definitley try another agency!


----------



## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Big hugs lindo. I'm so sorry to read your post. As the other have said try not to give up and PLEASE try another agency. So many people on these boards have had issues with one agency but have moved onto others with success. Def try a different agency.


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

THAT SWer from THAT agency has labelled you.  Their loss.  Ring round a few other agencies and be completely open with them and see what they say.  There are many here who've switched agencies and turned a stupid no into a sensible yes.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))


----------



## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I would want to know exactly why? A general statement about it isnt good enough, what exactly are they worried about?


----------



## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

I agree with everyone else, you should try another agency.  I would also make an appointment to speak to the team leader and ask for their reasons as to why they said no in writing, good luck xx


----------



## Pumpkin mummy (Nov 2, 2013)

Definitely try somewhere else, we went with an LA,but couldn't get on with them they were awful, so we went with a VA, they are so much more understanding and to be honest many people with not straight forward backgrounds choose a VA and they are used it it.

Don't give up.x


----------



## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

I agree, ring other VA and LA's. they are not all the same
good luck xx


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Don't give up!!  I heard a story about Bristol LA turning down a woman because she was overweight (probably about the same as me, a size 18, maybe a 20) so she went to South Gloucestershire and they welcomed her with open arms, they said that Bristol's loss was their gain.  Not every SW and not every agency feels the same way.  For the next time get positive, show how you have moved on from that time 20 years ago, tell them how it has made you stronger, tell them how it can help you to empathise with children who might have suffered violence in their past.  You can do this, don't let one narrow minded person tell you otherwise.


----------



## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I also agree you should try another agency.

To the person who said "try adoption abroad", you really need to be aware that the approval process for adoption from overseas is exactly the same as from the UK. It's not a short cut. But loads of people have had a no from one LA and found another LA or a VA have been very positive.  We spoke to our LA about adopting again and they said we couldn't adopt again ever because hubby is too old, full stop, to have a younger child than our little boy. But lo and behold the VA we went with previously (and several other LAs, actually, were fine with the idea of us applying) have accepted our application and we have our HS sessions next week for our 2nd adoption.


----------



## BECKY7 (Feb 2, 2011)

Don't give up  some SW are so bl##dy stupid with their stupid rules and not thinking of the child's and some SW are so lovely  so don't give up.
Becky7 xx


----------



## Cornish pixie (Jan 31, 2014)

Definitely don't give up, one persons blinkered view of the world and the way it "should" be!!! I know many very decent sw's who would want to explore in detail, know how you now keep yourself "safe" how it affected your choices, lifestyle and you as a person. If you can demonstrate its been a learning experience they should snap you hand off. Definitely definitely apply somewhere else xx


----------



## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Try another agency. How do they approve for other categories to adopt like homosexual couples and single parents? Don't give up!


----------



## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

I'm not sure being homosexual or single is looked at the same as previous domestic abuse!
It sucks though, you need to find out the In depth reasons why so you don't stumble with this next application.


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

I agree with everyone else, don't give up! 
Ring around and try a few LA's/VA's.

Not the same thing I know but when we decided to adopt for the 2nd time we were turned down by a few LA's due to having an adopted child already  , and they wanted him to be MUCH older before they would consider us (so we struggled in the beginning to even get accepted for consideration). 

If we gave up at the first rejection (or the next few rejections) then we wouldn't now have our wonderful little lady (currently peacefully asleep on her nap).
In fact we are now extremely pleased that we were turned down by a few LA's as once again we would never have met our beautiful daughter had we been with a different LA. It feels very 'meant to be'

A few months down the line you will hopefully be able to look back and feel the same when you meet your lo.

Lots of luck and please don't give up 

Anj x


----------



## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hey Lindoprincess, i know excatley how you feel, me and my DP have just recently been rejected and  cant get onto stage two because of his previous past with his ex and their relationship. DP has already spoken to the manager today and I'm speaking to him next week. 

If at all you want to chat just message me. Do not let this defeat you and stop you in your tracks in wanting to be a mum. Me and DP feel we need answers in order to move on, hense thats why we have contacted the manager. We have a meeting with them in march but will be fighting our corner tooth and nail to see if their is any slight possibility
we can get onto the next stage. 

Keep focused and   xxxxxxxx


----------



## Lindoprincess (Jul 23, 2013)

I honestly cannot describe the pain of all this.

I had 3 1/2 hours of literally being screamed at by two social workers who forced me to revisit every hideous incident over what was a very short relationship. There was nothing I could say that changed anything. I was disgusted, they blamed me for everything. It didn't matter that I was barely 20 at the time, that I've supported women who have been victims of domestic violence over the years since then. Nothing mattered. They also went after the fact that I've had IVF even though I have long given up and have no wish for a biological child of my own. In their mind I'm just damaged. Ever since the meeting I feel disgusting, like I can't get clean because every hideous thing he did had to be discussed over and over and over and over. I'm a good person, a not very exciting person but someone who's nice. No number of other glowing references meant anything, my relationship with my husband was trivialised beyond belief. I think its sick to even consider the two on a par, but they did. I think it's a disgrace and all I could think was OMG what if they treat the birth parents like this, bullying and abusing them until they can't take any more. Worse still I feel they label children, label them damaged and stop them from moving on. All through the process all they have told us is that the kids are all damaged beyond repair, that they really need therapeutic carers and their favourite phrase that "love is not enough". I honestly think they agency concerned have real problems and should not be allowed to continue. Somehwhere out there are a couple of kids who would have had a mum and dad who loved them more than anything, who would have done anything for them but because I've been labelled its all gone. It breaks my heart. I honestly never thought it was possible to feel lower than I did when the hideous ex punched me to the ground and kicked the hell out of me, but now I do. He never broke me but a scrawny cow social worker has.


----------



## Belliboo (Dec 23, 2007)

Lindos princess sorry to hear that you've been through an terrible ordeal  , don't give up ring other agencies & ask their opinions & keep your chin up don't let them beat you sending lol xx


----------



## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Lindoprincess

I am gobsmacked by their attitude. I truly believe if you went somewhere else you would be accepted. It sounds like you had a horrible experience both at the hands of your ex and these Social Workers.

I too have been a victim of domestic violence. Not to the degree of you but he did punch me once, kicked me a few times and verbally stripped all of my self confidence. I left and have never let anyone treat me badly since. In fact if anyone showed any signs of jealousy they were dumped immediately. This was 23 years ago and I have told SW but we haven't had our home visit yet to discuss it. 

Unless you have been in an abusive relationship you will never understand how it works and I really think that is the problem with your social Workers. My DP of 10 years read about my ex relationship and said he thought it was a different person. If a friend described me they would say I am outgoing with a confident manner. 

From what you have said, your experience has made you into somebody who can help others. You have moved on presumably have a loving relationship and want to give a loving home to a child. Surely those experiences are positive to understand how a child must feel who has been abused or neglected. I believe all experience s in life help you to become stronger. Somebody who has always had good things in their life surely would struggle to cope with an emotionally damaged child.

I would go elsewhere and write a formal complaint about these SWs.Making you feel like that is disgraceful.

Good luck

Xxxx


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy (Jan 17, 2010)

Linda's princess, I didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry for what you have been put through and echo what others have said. Take some time to try and heal from this and then approach other agencies. I have never heard of SWs acting like this and feel you have grounds to make a complaint. You should absolutely not be made to feel like this, it goes against human nature and makes me so mad. I honestly cannot even begin to comprehend how you must be feeling but to leave that relationship and rebuild your life shows that you are an exceptionally strong person and no SW is going to beat you. Speak to other agencies. Look after yourself xxx


----------



## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

I am really quite appalled and neither do I get it. Why does a bad experience mean you are damaged irreparably? Surely they must also be familiar with the concept of someone coming to adoption who has previously had fertility treatment?

VA all the way!!! Is it worth appealing?


----------



## Lindoprincess (Jul 23, 2013)

I'm with a VA


----------



## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Different VA all the way?


----------



## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Lindoprincess, I could not believe what I was reading when I just came across your post.
I echo all what the others have said. If I were you, take a few days to compose yourself and on Monday phone this agency and ask to speak to the manager and tell her/him exactly what you have told us, how incompetent these SW's were, why you have been rejected and you want it in writing and also how they made you feel. There are many LA's ( you can apply to any La within 50 miles of where you live) and VA's.

These SW's are a joke, I can tell from 1 post that you are a strong woman who has had a terrible time with a bully and you have picked your self up and dusted your self off and went on to help other women who have been in your position. This surly is a good trait for you to have as a adopter, you will know how to help a child who has been abused or has seen violence who is showing some violence in it's self from what he/she has witnessed.
I think you would be a great mummy.

I was beaten up by my ex of 7 yrs, not as bad as you I admit but the put downs were the hardest, I know I should of left sooner and I kick myself for staying so long but it has made me the person I am today and believe me I don't take any crap from anyone and I will stick up for my self and family. This to my SW made me a great candidate to be adopter as I had dealt with it and learnt from it and made me a stronger person and my lo happens to be a child who has seen domestic violence but I doubt she remembers any of it as she was so young, but I am hoping I can prepare her as a teenager to know how to protect herself from these kind of men and to be a confident and a happy young woman who does not put up with this kind of behaviour.

I am sure you will be taken on by another agencies and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Give your La hell
Skyblu.xxx


----------



## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Just seen you are with a VA.

I'm with a LA

Skyblu.xxx


----------



## Lindoprincess (Jul 23, 2013)

skyblu , you were with your ex for 7years ? OMG mine wasn't even 7 months


----------



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I echo everyone else - go elsewhere and KEEP GOING! They sound like total half wits. There are bullying, unpleasant SWs out there as in any position of power. I worked in family law for years and came across some who definitely bullied the birth parents. It's a shame you didn't record the meeting and play it to their managers. One particularly bullying SW I came across was suspended because of her harassment of birth parents. Time and again I've had clients ring me confused as one SW said one thing and another one said that. Time and again I've been told SW has changed what she said.....not all the BPs can be lying! My SW is great but I don't think SS is run properly at all, and I say that as someone who had a relatively good experience with them!

Lindo, you're a tough lady who stands up for herself - you did it back them and you need to do it again. Get back in the ring, gloves on, and fight for your desire to be a mum. Don't see this as an obstacle, see it as a stepping stone. Ring other LAs / VAs, and calmly explain the situation to them.

Good Luck and hope to hear positive news soon. Please don't give up, there are little ones out there who need parents.


----------



## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

wEEs really. i wold compain but sure as hell wouldn't feel confident to use them even if they reconsidered. I'd definitely call your LA.

it sounds such a weak, pathetic reason to turn someone down.   i said this on another thread but there seems to be several people being turned down for spurious reasons under the 'new' system and i'm convinced they are trying to reduce the amount of people to put through, so they can stick to the targets re timescales. i did wonder how they were going to sustain the new timescales and i guess this is how. meanwhile, there are no less children in the care system.   

i bet anything i'd've been turned down if i was applying now, i made the mistake of being honest and saying i didnt get on with my mother. not many people do   but back then they deferred us pending me having counselling   . i bet now they'd just turn me down flat.

it genuinely makes you see the advantage of telling a load of white lies, which seems an alien concept.

keep trying, it'll happen.   took us three years but i'm so convinced it was because we were ready to be parents but our boy wasn't available then


----------



## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

This has obviously hurt you enormously and I echo the others in saying don't give up and I think you should write down what was said and when and ask to discuss it with the manager. 

That said, the amount of hurt you are experiencing does make me wonder if perhaps it would be good to get some counselling? It would show that you are set on adoption, taken on board what they've said and ensured that it isn't an issue and won't be in the future. (though maybe you've already done this?)
I imagine they're worried that if you take on a child who has been abused, their story will make you relive your previous experiences and therefore not in the best place to help LO deal with theirs. 
I was at my folks with LO (aged 2) at Christmas and heard LO yelling. Looked up to see him upside-down in a laundry basket clearly helped to end up that way by my 3yr old niece. I saw RED! I shouted at my niece, pulled my LO out. Saw LO was okay and angrily put niece into the naughty corner (the method my brother uses). I took a deep breath and looked into the basket as LO had been rubbing his head to discover one of his favourite toys in there. Bless her, she'd just been trying to help him get his toy. 
I couldn't get why I'd gone so nuts at her, and why I felt so knotted and terrified inside. Then I remembered. At primary school some vindictive girls had put me upside-down in a bin in the playground and left me there on a number of occasions. 

Such little things that can trigger us!

Good luck for the future.


----------



## Lindoprincess (Jul 23, 2013)

Thankyou all.

We have reached a decision which is to end our journey. We will be complaining about this agency and hope that it will be closed down. It certainly should not be allowed to continue in its current form.


----------



## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

I wish you the best of luck.
Complaining will probably help you feel better, but I echo what Arrows said about counciling. Maybe you have issues that need exploring further, deeper damage from the domestic abuse you sadly suffered that you can't see within yourself but the agency maybe have.

Huge hugs and best wishes x x


----------



## Lindoprincess (Jul 23, 2013)

Disneyrocks I'm sure you mean well but I do not need counselling,  I never have needed counselling and I never will need counselling. I am lucky to have had an amazingly supportive family who ensured that I emerged totally unscathed from the experience. Rather laughably as part of my work I have helped many people who have been victims of domestic abuse. If I had not dealt with my own issues I would have been completely unable to do that. I have never suffered any triggers like Arrows because I have long ago dealt with what happened to me which, lest anyone forgets was not my fault, I was not the one in the wrong, I did nothing to deserve it. This agency however have chosen to ignore that, they have chosen to ignore over 41 years of my life and define me by a limited period of time, a situation which I removed myself from. They have chosen to ignore an amazing family who would have loved and protected children we adopted, who would have ensured that they could be their best and reached their full potential. They have chosen to ignore excellent references from everyone including people who have seen me dealing with children from a wide variety of backgrounds.

It is very sad that there are women out there who chose to label and victimise women who have suffered domestic violence. As an agency their view is totally and utterly unacceptable and irresponsible. Of course it would be very easy for me to trot into the Doctor and say I need counselling, he would laugh his backside off and trot out a report saying that I didn't. I doubt that would be enough either, they'd probably say he needed counselling too.

I find it hysterical that some of the people they have put through to stage two are still having IVF treatment which they have not disclosed to them. One couple have also got extreme right wing tendencies and made unbelievable racist remarks at one training session (we complained in fact). I pity any kids who get stuck with them.

Somewhere out there are two kids who could have had an amazing life but who will now probably spend their life in a care system which should more accurately be named a whatcare system. 

But oh yes Disney I'm the one with the problem.


----------



## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Dear lindo,

I think this is appaling! How dare they judge you on a situation that you got out of and moved on from. Have you considered contacting a domestic abuse charity? Not for counselling but to inform them that this has happened as a direct result of something you experienced years ago. They may be able to get behind you and throw some weight onto your side. It might also raise the profile nationally of this discrimination and help other couples who might be facing the same. I am honestly horrified that this has gone against you... If you had been the one to be the abuser then fair enough but you weren't! I can't tell you how affronted I am on your behalf, surely if you we're strong enough to recognise the situation for what is was, find the strength to get out and move on this should not be held against you. 

I hope this treatment by the agency hasn't caused you too much pain and that you and your dh can find the strength to weather this.

X
Ducky


----------



## DRocks (Sep 13, 2013)

Maybe I was just going with what I pick up from your messages.
If you that determined to be parents then go to another agency don't just give up at the first hurdle. Many of us have had enormous struggles on our journeys, myself included but we all try to focus on the end goal.

I appreciate your very angry and I guess that's why your messages appear to be very judgemental. Maybe your right to end your journey here, only you know you best.

Like I said before, I wish you the best of luck x x


----------



## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Lindo

I agree with Arrows and Disney. I to work with victims of domestic violence both adults and children. I also work with children who have suffered other forms of abuse and have removed children from their homes. I'm not a social worker.
We have adopted twice. During the 2nd homestudy I had to acknowledge that I have two sets of feelings towards people who harm their families. With my professional head on I have to do xyz and I can't let what I am dealing with have a huge impact otherwise I would become unstable. The way I deal with this is that I know the people I'm working with are not related to me so it doesn't directly affect me.
My personal feelings are the same as any other right minded person towards those who abuse their families. Since becoming an adoptive parent I have to conciously think about what I am doing whenfaced with abusers especially those who hurt children. Seeing the things I do now has a personal link to me were as before it didn't. 
What I'm saying is that maybe an adopted child may cause you to re call those feelings from your past and this is something you need to consider.
Don't give up but whichever agency you go to will go over this part of your life.
All the best


----------



## sevsxp (Oct 1, 2012)

Lindoprincess, firstly very sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but my wife and I were in the same boat, as we got rejected by a LA.

Originally we went via a LA and was told after the initial workshop that they didn't feel we were "a couple" although we had been together since the age of 14 and at the time of the workshop we were 40 !! so after 26years together they decided after 4 days they knew us better.

We were devastated at the time, however we then asked in writing the formal/official reason why we were rejected, once we received this we took it to another LA and asked if they would consider us.

So glad we did, they took us on, and couldn't see the reason why the first LA rejected us, and now ? We adopted our first son in Jul 2012 and our second son Dec 2013.... and guess what we are still a couple !!!

So good luck and dont give up....

xx


----------



## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi i live in Ireland and was rejected at the first stage as i suffer from chronic back pain and was turned down for medical reasons. My husband is 100% healthy but that didn't matter to them. But we moved on to surrogacy and are now 34 weeks with twins and cannot wait to meet them and begin the parenting experience. I'm so sorry to hear how you were judged so unfairly perhaps if surrogacy is something you would consider it may be the answer or even another area to explore ,no parents are perfect and its unfair to judge everyone on this perfect ideal. I hope something works out for you and you get the chance to show the world what a brilliant parents you are.


----------

