# Danuna - the Surromum's Diary



## Danuna

I'm Danuna and I'm about to start out on my first surrogacy for two very dear friends of mine.

It all started for me when I was eleven;  Aunty Flo made her first visit and decided that I should be one of the unlucky ones to get very bad monthly cramps.  The old wives suggested that it would stop when I had a baby, not much comfort for a young girl!  Years of treatment from my GP followed.  I tried everything to manage the condition.  I assumed that I must have endometriosis.  I finally got to see a gynaecologist.  After more tests she said I was perfectly healthy - which was not what I wanted to hear.  She also said that the best hope for a cure was for me to have a pregnancy.

After lots of tears, soul searching and discussing things with the people I care about, my initial reaction was correct - I was just not willing or ready to have a baby.

It's difficult not to get angry.  After all, the human reproductive system evolved at a time when most young women had their first baby in their early teens.  Nature does not care about what I want in life, about my agendas, or whether or not I'm ready to reproduce.  I'm a modern girl with a uterus that thinks it is in the Stone Age.

I got round to thinking that maybe I could help somebody else.  I felt a certain kind of empathy for people with fertility problems.  After all, my own problems were none of my fault.  I was just unlucky, the same as someone with fertility problems is just unlucky.

I contacted one of the UK's surrogacy organisations about a year ago.  Due to various circumstances, I've had to wait until now before starting an arrangement.  I've gotten to know a couple who have become really dear friends of mine and we hope to start "trying" very soon.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna (aka Cybermintz)
Lovely to hear from you and great news that you are hoping to start soon, wishing all of you the very best of luck  
Love Jaq


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## sunrise

Hi Danuna,

Goodluck with your surrogacy.
This is my third surrogacy,  my first was back in 1998.


Lorraine


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## Danuna

Hiya Sunrise

Are you with COTS, SUK or indie?  I'm really itching (not that kind of itching!) to get going.  For the first time since the age of eleven I'm actually looking forward to Aunty Flo so that we can start the next cycle!

I'm a straight surrogate, which means that the intended father will be the genetic father and I will be a genetic and gestational parent.  Before anyone asks, surrogates definitely DO NOT have sex with the intended father, it's all syringes and instead cups.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.  Anyone in surrogacy will tell you that surrogates feel ever so guilty if they get a negative.  I'm trying to be realistic whilst hoping for the best.  Intended Parents, whilst no one can ever get used to disappointments, are perhaps better at dealing with them, or at least, that's what I've been told.

Surrogacy is, and always should be the option of last resort.  This means that the intended parents have already suffered more in their lifetime than most people will ever know.  From what I know so far, every intended parent is giving the surrogate the hope of their hearts, with total faith that she will keep them safe, whilst surrendering their dreams of getting pregnant together.

As the wise people say "sometimes you have to let go of one dream to catch another" and in this case, it's so very true.

That's why, despite what some unenlightened people might think, that surrogacy is not the solution for every couple, just as either foreign or domestic adoption is not for everyone.  It's a whole different mindset from conventional treatments.  It's about dealing with another person (the surrogate mother) and her family, letting them into their home and hearts and knowing that whatever happens, your fates are going to be bound together for the rest of your lives.

Like I said, I'll keep you guys and girls posted.


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## EJJB

Hiya Minty.
Congrats on your good news.  When are you going public on the other board?
I am a regular user of that board.
Hope it all goes well for you and your couple.
EJJB
  x


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## Danuna

Like my signature line says - keep watching that space!


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## EJJB

I watched and I saw.
Good Luck to you all.
EJJB
  x


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## Danuna

Thanks EJJB - I've been very fortunate to find IPs who are willing to travel so very far for this arrangement and who were willing to consider someone who has never been pregnant before.  It's a real leap of faith for them.

Like I said, first cycle (goddess willing) is September 2005.


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## crownmum

Hi

Good luck. Looking forward to following your journey.

By the way you are your IPs make a great team.


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## Danuna

Thanks for that Crownmum.  I'm so very hoping that it works.  If we get a hit first time that will be the icing on the cake - but we all know that it's very unlikely to happen.


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## Jaq

Hi there
Keeping fingers crossed for you all    and hoping the 2ww leaves you with a few fingernails   - and don't test too early hun, its an up and down ride enough as it is  
Best of luck!
Jaq


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## Danuna

Thanks Jaq

  It certainly is an up and down ride - a very long up and down ride, it's no wonder that people get sick of it sometimes.  We've not even got so far as our first "try" yet, if you know what I mean, but already I'm counting the days.  It's a fine balance between being realistic and idealistic.

At this stage, all I can offer my dear friends is hope.

I pray that it's not false hope.

They really don't need another disappointment.


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## Danuna

Okay, so here we are in the two week wait.  Having done all that needs to be done I'm feeling strangely calm and relaxed about the whole thing. What will be will be, and if it ain't we can try again next month.  I'm so glad I'm not doing host, because straight is a much simpler process in that respect.

Someone said that there is only a twenty percent chance of getting caught each time, even if everything is okay.  That's about the same as the odds of winning a prize on a scratch card. This fertility thing is turning me into a statistician.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna

Welcome to the 2ww   When do you test? (assuming you'll not be naughty and test far, far, too early   ) I test on 7th Oct so could be about the same time. Anyway, wishing you heaps of luck  

Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Hiya Jaq

 That's the Friday after next?  That's the earliest date at which I can test as well!  I've be warned again and again about not testing early.  My IPs sent me some HCG tests along with my ovulation predictor kits, but I'm thinking of sending them back so that I don't get tempted!

It sounds like you've tried everything that fertility treatment has to offer.  The bravery and endurance that people on this board display never stops amazing me.  My IPs have gone through the two week wait hundreds of times as I'm sure you have.

 I wish that more people who have not had fertility problems knew what infertility can do to a couple.  Maybe then there would be more support and understanding from the outside world - and possibly more surrogates and egg donors.

I'll be thinking about you Jaq and sending out positive vibes - best of luck to all of us!

 Oh look, we've even got a simile for the pee stick police - how cute!


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## Jaq

Aww, thanks for your lovely message. Sending you    
Love Jaq


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## Danuna

What I need is a two week wait calendar - like an advent calendar only for the two week wait; preferably with little chocolates behind each window.

…and here’s another thing, phantom symptoms during the two week wait (apparently almost everyone gets them) but why can’t I have nice phantom symptoms, like glowing skin, glossy hair and strong fingernails? It just isn’t fair!


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## crownmum

Hi Danuna

Hang on in there.

The 2ww is so hard isn't it?

We're all here for you and wishing you the best of luck!


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## Danuna

Well that's over then.

I've been getting crampy pains for the last few days and last night I noticed blood on the toilet paper.  Looks like Auntie Flo has decided to make an early visit.

I've been feeling sick for the last few days as well.  NHS direct say that I've probably got a virus as it was way too early to be getting any signs.  Now I'm wondering if I imagined it all, except that only a masochist would imagine being that sick.

My IPs are taking it really well.  I guess when you do the two week wait hundreds of times, you kind of expect it not to work.  Anyway folks, until next month the!.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
So sorry to hear the    has arrived. Sending you  hun. 
And hope the sickness is clearing - I've been feeling a bit sicky too, but that's probably due to nerves 
Arrange a treat for yourself and then you'll be all set to go again next month   
Best wishes
Jaq


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## Danuna

Thanks for your kind words folks.  Auntie Flo has definitely arrived, bringing with her the usual cramps and misery.  I found out yesterday that someone at work had a sickness virus with very similar symptoms to mine.  At least I know that the sickness was not in my imagination.

It does feel really strange when I'm with other people who don't know about the surrogacy.  It's like I'm living in two worlds, one that operates on a two week, twenty eight day cycle and the other that just carries on in normal time as it always did.  It makes everything else, appart from the surrogacy seem trivial.  It has certainly given me a whole new perspective on what is really important in life.


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## Jennifer

Danuna - I have only just seen this.  I am sorry it has not worked this time - I wish you all the luck in the world for your next go


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## Danuna

Yeaaaaaaaaah!    You got a positive! - Congratulations to you Jennifer!


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## Danuna

The unfair thing about getting a negative is that you get your period straight after.  Not fair.  You would think that mother nature would give us a little break after a disappointment, but no, it's straight into the cramps and the backache.

It's the SUK AGM on Friday.  It's going to be the first time that I've met many of the people that I've been speaking to for the past year.  That's going to be really good and I'm looking forward to it in a big way.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
Hope you enjoyed your weekend  
Thought it must be about time for insems again, so just wanted to wish you GOOD LUCK    Hope this is your month!
Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Hiya JAQ

It's so kind of you to remember.  You seem like the kind of person who is so considerate, patient and friendly, all of them are essential qualities in an intended mother (IM).  I'm really sorry that you could not make it to the AGM because it was such a good experience and it would have been really nice to have met you in person.  Perhaps I'll see you next year.  Thanks for the good wishes.

Loads of Love

Danuna/Cybermintz/Whatever


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## Danuna

My poor IPs are at the mercy of my mischievous little ovaries.

I can feel my ovaries starting to sting, but no blue line on the ovulation predictor kit.  My IPS are going to have a four or five hour journey for the insems and it must be very difficult for them to plan their lives.  It's supposed to take the average thirty year old woman about six months to conceive.  This means that they could spend one week out of every month waiting for me to phone them for at least the next five months.  It's not easy for us to fit the surrogacy around everything else that is going on.

Here's hoping that this is our month.


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## Danuna

We had a cracking time at the Surrogacy UK AGM in the Lee Valley.  I keep looking for these "little cliques" that are supposed to be present in SUK, but nope, no sign of them!  

I'm a really chatty person (not that anyone would ever guess) so I just walked up to any group of people who looked interesting and introduced myself.  It's not the way the etiquette books say it should be done, but it works for me.

It was just so good to be with people who understood what surrogacy was all about and not have to explain myself.

A lot of the Intended Parents said that for the first time in their fertility journey, they were with a group of people that understood what they were going through.  I guess that fertility is such a private thing, but when we were all together we could talk openly about our experiences.  Mind you, I did have to stop myself from discussing cervical mucus with another surrogate over dinner, because it would have put everyone off their food (we talked about it later over coffee).

Surrogacy UK seems to be like one very big family.  I suppose we are in a way, because the surrogate's kids share a genetic or gestational bond with the kids that are born through surrogacy.  Everyone there is at a different stage of their journey so there was always someone that I could ask for advice.

There were so many people with such sad stories.  It was difficult for me not to get emotional when I was talking to the IPs that were still looking for a surrogate, but afterwards I did shed a few tears.  It's the same way I felt when I met my IPs, I did not want to show how much I empathised with their pain because, well, no one likes to feel that other people feel sorry for them.  And how could I presume to know how they felt?  I've never felt the need to have children.  I don't know b*gg*r all about what any of the IPs have been through; although I have been through some very dark times in my own life for different reasons.  

I did wonder if I annoyed some of the intended parents by explaining that I did not have any kids of my own because I don't really like children.  I've got such a strange reason for needing to do surrogacy.  I'm sure that some of the non members who went along just investigate surrogacy as an option, must have thought I was a little bit nuts.  I mean, they are right, I am a little bit nuts, but I'm sure it's not genetic.

Here's hoping that this time next year, my IPs will have their own little bundles to pass around at the AGM - I say bundles because twins run in my family.  Then again, so do big babies...  ...oh good goddess I never thought of that!


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## Danuna

Thanks Sunpixel it was really good, if a little bit emotionally draining at times.

My ovulation date is due tomorrow, so we could be doing the basting over the weekend.  It's not so bad, honestly, no more difficult than refilling an inkjet cartridge.  Last month I had to repaint part of the wall because I was resting my feet up against it and I forgot to take my boots off!  You live you learn I guess.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna (and IPs)
Hope all is going well this weekend    (and take those boots off   )
Love Jaq


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## EJJB

Hiya Minty,
I'm not so sure you don't like children.
I saw you playing chess with that little boy.
You were getting on fine.
A friend of mine at a job interview to work with teenage mothers, with a creche attatched was asked do you like children?
Her reply, Yes, but I couldn't eat a whole one 
She got the job.
You can like them, and still not want one yourself.
Anyway it was good to meet you last weekend.
Love 
EJJB
  x 
P.S. You know who I am now


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## Danuna

Hiya EJJB

That dear, sweet, little, innocent looking boy wiped the floor with me at chess.  His mother should have warned me he was a child genius. Grrrrrrr!  .  Seriously, I've worked with teenagers with behavioural problems, but little kids annoy the life out of me.

Hiya JAQ

I wore slippers this time.  I have to wear something because my feet get so cold when they are resting against the wall.  Oh the fun of being a surrogate.  

BTW folks, I'm now into my second two week wait.  Here we go again.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
Glad to hear the wall is OK   Sending you heaps of    
Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Thanks JAQ

I've been so hormonal today, all of this being aware of my cycle just gives me an excuse for acting all psyco and eating too much chocolate.  Guess what?  I hate the two week wait.  I dearly want my IPs to go home with a baby, but after that I'm not going to do this again.  It's too tough this baby making stuff.  I'm never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to do this ever again.


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## Danuna

> hope your 2ww ends with good news for you and your IPs!


  So do I Sunpixel, I really, really do. Thanks for your good wishes sweetheart, they really mean a lot to me and help keep me going.

By the way, I've finally got my Livejournal sorted. You'll find it at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/cybermintz/


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna  
Taken a look at your journal - good one! Do you have to put something on every day?
Anyway, hoping you've got some chocolate left   Don't forget hun that your IPs have done heaps of 2ww and although I know they desparately want this to work, they're know it might not happen straight away - you're such a generous person to be trying for them, just try to keep cool (says me, a mega-worrier   ) Just think of it as a way to enjoy more guilt-free choccies  
Sending lots of   your way.
Love and best wishes
Jaq


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## Danuna

Hiya Jaq

How are you doing sweetheart? I'll try to post something in there every day. As it is my own journal, I can use lots of bad language, rant, rave and generally behave like a psycho brat.



> Anyway, hoping you've got some chocolate left


I would love to send you some cyber chocolate so that you, Sunpixel and I can scoff it together, but the nearest I can get is this:



Just pretend that it is a chocolate moose!


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## **Tashja**

I have requested a chocolate smiley for you all 

Good luck this time Danuna 

Tashja xx


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## Danuna

Oh thank you MrsG!

Cyberchocolate, all the goodness of sharing without the calories! Looking forward to it!


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## Jaq

Hi Mrs G - thanks for the cyberchoccy   And good luck in your 2ww     You so deserve for it to go right this time  
And you too Danuna - must be coming up to test time    Keeping fingers crossed for you hun!
Love Jaq


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## **Tashja**

Hi Jaq
Thanks for your wishes

Hope the cyberchoccie arrives soon - yumyumyum

Tashja xx


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## Danuna

Another BFN.

I'm a surrogate, my sole purpose is to get pregnant, there's no good reason why I should not get pregnant, people are relying on me to get pregnant, I'm their only hope of getting pregnant. Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

Okay rant over! I'm going to be mature and sensible from now on. There's always next month.

By the way does the "F" in BFN _really_ stand for fat?


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## Lisa

Oh hun i am sorry to hear this xxx

you rant as much as you want...

you are a very special person 

lisa xx


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## **Tashja**

Hi Hun

It is very hard to get a  for anyone 

I got a BFP and then lost the baby and that was harder then telling them it was BFN.

Only 2 weeks till you try again - It takes most couples 5/6 goes before they get there - it is extremely lucky to get it 1st or even 2nd time.  I am sure your couple understand this.

(((hugs)))

Yes I think it is fat !!! lol

Tashja xx


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## crownmum

Hi Danuna

Sorry it's a BFN.

We all know how you feel but remember you will be trying again in 2 weeks time and who knows, maybe you will be 3rd time lucky.

If not we will be supporting you all the way to get that BFP until it happens, and it WILL happen.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
So sorry to read your post - feel free to eat as much choccy as you want for the next few days  
I think the BFN stands for beta-fetoprotein negative (or something else that is very difficult to spell   ) but fat is better!
 to you and J&N. As Jayne says, fingers crossed it will be 3rd time lucky for you  
Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Thanks folks!  I was just having one of my little temper tantrums that I throw every so often.  

I don't agree that people should have to be sensible, mature and level headed, always facing every disappointment with stoicism and serenity.  If some people can, well good luck to them, does not mean that everyone else has to.

So if anyone else wants to join me in a little temper tantrum, feel free, go on, it will make you feel better, trust me, it works!

Loads of love


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## Danuna

I hate Aunty Flo... just thought would mention it.


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## Danuna

Hiya Sunpixel

I've just gotten back from spending a lovely two days with my IPs.  My IM and I were having so much fun gossiping over the kitchen table that the IF had to remind us it was time for an insem - I had forgotten that that was what we were there for!

So this is my third two week wait.  I've done six of the seven stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Resolution) and this time I'm ready to Accept the outcome what ever it is.  I've finally come to terms with the fact that this is going to be the pattern of our lives from now on:

We wait for ovulation
We do the insem
We wait two weeks
We do the test
It's a negative
I get my period
We wait for ovulation
We do the insem
We wait two weeks
We do the test
It's a negative
I get my period
We wait for ovulation
We do the insem...

...and so on, and so on for the next six months or until one of us gets so fed up with the process that we just can't do it anymore; and you know what?  Having accepted that this is the way things are going to be I feel fine about it all now.  It's better than building myself up every two weeks only for us to be cut down again when it does not work.  It's like my IM said, "we're no longer upset or disappointed when we get a negative because this is what normally happens".

If it does ever happen I'm going to be so shocked and surprised that I'm not going to be able to believe it.

Thanks for all your good wishes folks.  In two week's time we'll know one way or the other.


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## Happytree

Crownmum / Jayne,
You're an angel. When I read your profile I sobbed my heart out. I'm stunned by your story. It's a hard fact of life that the kindest are those who have suffered the most. My DH and I have just started discussing the surrogacy route and we're just at the "lurking in the background" stage gathering bits of info. We haven't contacted any agencies yet but this website has given me some leads. My DH and I can probably afford the expense of surrogacy and we are blessed in that respect but we know that doesn't mean we'll ever be lucky enough to find a surromum. Even just to find someone willing would be out of this world! I think we realise there's still so much research we have to do yet and a lot of soul searching. 

Happytree x x


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## Danuna

Hiya Happytree

Yes Crownmum does have an incredible story; she is wonderful woman with a wonderful family.  It just goes to show it does not matter whose tummy a child grew in, being a mother is all about love, not biology.


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## crownmum

Hi Danuna

What a great attitude to have. You are so right about the emotions involved in each cycle of inseminations. 

Your IPs are just happy to have found such a wonderful and caring SM. Everything else will eventually work out.

Good luck with this month's insems.


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## Danuna

Had a really strange experience at work yesterday.  I'm a shop assistant and was asked by a customer to direct him to the light bulbs.  As I was showing him where they are we had the following conversation:

Me:  So are you all ready for Christmas?
Customer:  Well, no we don't have kids so we don't really do Christmas.
Me:  You're probably sensible.
Customer:  It's not our fault, it's not by choice.
Me:  So you're one of the one in six then?
Customer:  Yeah.
Me:  That's rough, I'm in the two week wait myself.  Oh look, light bulbs.
Customer:  Thanks.
Me:  Well, good luck with what ever you're trying to do about it.
Customer:  Thanks.

It was just so strange to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, and find that we had something in common.  Anyone else had something like this happen to them?


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## **Tashja**

One day when I was at the clinic I went in for a scan - when I walked out of the scan room into the reception there was sat one of my friends !!!

She just looked at me and said "I have been trying to find a way to tell you I need IVF - now you know!!" 

That was freaky !!! lol

Good luck with the 2ww !!

Tashja xx


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
Really hoping its 3rd time lucky for you and your IPs     It would be a wonderful Christmas present  
I have a seeing someone you know at the IVF clinic story too - I came out from my scan to find my GP in the waiting room with her hubbie    Maybe explains why she was so nice and helpful to me!

Fingers crossed!
Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Freaky coincidences!

I've got my LiveJournal working again. http://www.livejournal.com/users/cybermintz/

It's my place to have a good old rant at the world, so please don't be worried if it seems I'm in a constant state of  . Hope things are going well with you JAQ and MrsG. I've not been keeping up with your news lately, any developments?


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## Danuna

The tummy cramps are getting stronger and I noticed some brown blood last night.  I'm ten days post ovulation.  This morning I tested and it was a negative.  What a surprise - not!  I'm not too disappointed, just like my IPs I've kind of come to expect that it will not work; but as they say there's always next month.


  ...now that makes me feel better!


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
Sorry to hear your news hun - but 10 dpo is still a little early and the brown stuff could be implantation bleeding and the cramps the emby settling in - crossing everything for you that this is the case. If not, sending   and   and get stuck into that chocolate - you should have a few spare days worth in your advent calendar  
Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Sorry Jaq, it is definitely   no doubts about it.  Thanks for the hugs and good wishes.


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## Jaq

Aww, sorry to hear that Danuna 
Hope you won't be doing insems on Christmas day    
Wishing you the best of luck for next time  
Love Jaq


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## EJJB

Yea, Good Luck for next time Minty
EJJB
x


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## Danuna

> Hope you won't be doing insems on Christmas day


Me too Jaq, we need the baster for the Turkey!
... okay, only joking, actually I'm a vegetarian.​
Thanks for the good wishes everyone. Anyone seen Gabriel recently?​
 ​


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## Danuna

Well this turkey has been well and truly basted for Christmas.

Here's hoping I'll be stuffed by the New Year.​
  ​


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## crownmum

Hi Danuna

Wishing you and your IPs all the very of best luck.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
You have such a lovely way with words hun   Brought on a good chuckle here anyway.
Wishing you all the best for this cycle - will be sending a special new year wish your way   
Love Jaq


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## EJJB

Best of luck for this time round Chris.
Will be thinking of you and your IP's and hoping for some New Year good news.
Love 
EJJB
X


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## Danuna

Hiya EJJB, Jaq and Crownmum

Thanks for the good wishes. I really, really, hope things are going well with the Three Amigos.

Like I said, it would be so cool if all the Surrogacy UK folks who are trying, all got a result this month, so that the babies will all be delivered in time for the AGM in October. Then again, all those kids in one place...

Okay, all joking aside, there are so many lovely Potential Intended Parents and Surromums who are just hoping, praying, wishing and in my case casting spells, to try to make next Christmas better than this one. All I can say is, let's hope the New Year brings us all the things that we are hoping for.

"There can always be new beginnings, even for people like us."​_Babylon 5_​


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## Danuna

The one visitor that I did not want has turned up, yes you've gussed it, it's  .  
Oh well, there's always next month... who am I kidding I'm   off about it!  I'm gonna get   any one wanna join me?


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## **Tashja**

Oh hun 

I am sorry.  Roll on next month and hope it is your lucky time !!

Tashja xx


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## crownmum

Hi Danuna

Sorry you have an unwelcome visitor this month.

The law of averages says it is going to happen soon though, so don't give up hope. 

Jayne


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## TwoSocks

Hi Danuna

Sorry to hear about the visitor, I am expecting a vistit tomorrow   

So looks like I will be joining you again for Jan, let me know how you are getting on.

Bye 4 now

Take care,

TwoSocks


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
What a ****** I was really hoping the New Year would get off to a good start. Oh well, enjoy your drink(s!!!) and best of luck for this next month  
Hope you are wrong Two Socks and the   stays away. If not,   to you for next month too hun.
Jayne - any news from you yet? Love to all 3 Js (maybe 4?? by now)!

Best wishes
Jaq


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## Danuna

Oh Two Socks, I'm so sorry it's another BFN for you.  Everytime I get a negative I feel I've really let my IPs down, but they are so sweet about it and always manage to keep upbeat about the whole process.

Hope things are going better for you as well Mrs G.

Thanks again for all the support.

All the best

Danuna/Cybermintz


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## Danuna

Feeling really sick. I had the dumb idea of getting some progesterone cream from the internet to make my lutial phase last longer than it's pathetic nine to twelve days. Six days post ovulation and I'm feeling terrible. Serves me right I guess.

Please note Fertility Friends does not recommend self medication in any way. Always seek medical advice - MrsG


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna  
Hope you're feeling a bit better now hun - what you need is not the progesterone cream, but just cream, eg a nice Cornish cream tea   Hope that's not made you feel sick again!
  
Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Hiya MrsG - you're right, ordering medicins over the internet is dangerous and I would not want to encourage anyone else to do it.


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## **Tashja**

Thats ok hun.

We just have to protect ourselves and you !!

Tashja xx


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## Danuna

And despite trying everything... nothing.  Ten days post ovulation and another BFN for us.  Just given my IPs another proverbial kick in the nuts.  Can't help but feel they would be better off if I'd never offered to help them.  Maybe they would have found themselves a proper surrogate who can actually do what surrogates are supposed to do.

Okay, don't worry, I'll get over it, I always do.  It's just that right now I'm feeling that I can't do anything right.  Well, you wanted to read about surrogacy and this is it, folks.  It's not a bl**dy yellow brick road to happiness, well not for everyone.

My IPs are the ones that deserve your sympathy, not me, not that I'm suggesting that I deserve sympathy.  This was my choice and I got myself in to it.  I knew that it would be hard, I just did not know that it would be this difficult.

And so we carry on next month.


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## Jaq

Sorry you got a BFN again Danuna   Its brilliant when it happens straight away, but that's not the case for everyone and I've heard of a couple of cases where everyone was set to give up and then a BFP appeared - will be sending   for next time. Plus it is nearly spring, the bulbs are pushing their noses through the earth and the birds are busy singing to attract mates - nature is now on your side   
Take care hun 
love Jaq


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## crownmum

Hi Danuna

I really feel for you and your IPs as I have been there as both an IP and surrogate. I've had my fair share of failed cycles on both sides of the fence.

I've known very fertile surrogates take months to get pregnant, sometimes it takes one attempt, other times, up to 6 attempts or more. It gets really hard the more BFNs you get, but if you all keep trying, hopefully you will get there. You are not alone, and we will support you every step of the way.

However, like Jaq says, sometimes just when you think it is never going to happen, you get a BFP! I really hope you get that BFP very soon!

Feel free to ping me on MSN if you see me on-line.


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## Danuna

Thanks crownmum and Jaq.  I think the hormones that I've been taking are making it all seem a lot worse than it really is; but really, I just can't go on doing this to myself and to my IPs.  They are such good people and they really deserve to have kids, just like everyone does on this board, but it's not working.  They've put in so much effort, time and money into surrogacy, but one again fate has slammed the door in their faces.

We are going to try one more time, and then that is it.  I strongly suspect, given my past gynie hystory, that I might have an as yet undetected problem that's preventing me from getting caught. I don't think I'll want to work with any other IPs because I don't want to put another couple through the disappointment.

So, one more try and then that's it for us.


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## TwoSocks

Hi Danuna,

I don't know what to say. Others have said give it 6 months. 
But we can only do our best. 
And in the end, whatever happends, our best *is *good enough. Our best *is* a great achievement and *something to be very proud of! *.

Thinking of you

TwoSocks


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## Danuna

Aunty Flow has finally arrived.  Not sure if it was the stress, the progesterone or PMT but I've been acting like a real basket case for the past few days.  This is not me. I'm the person that other people tell their problems to, whether they are family members, customers or co-workers. I always thought that I was stronger than this, but I guess I was wrong.

Will we ever get a possitive result?


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna  

Sorry you are feeling down  
Having to cope with AF only adds insult to injury doesn't it? Anyway, hope you are feeling a bit better now and that this month you will all get what you deserve (in the nicest possible way of course   ) Will be crossing fingers for you all hun   Good luck!!!

Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Thanks for the hug JAQ.   to you too honey.  Hope things are going well with you in your search for a surro' angel.  Any news yet? Or even a little hint? 

The problem with life and infertility in particular is that people don't always get what they deserve  .  I've stopped trying to figure it all out.  It's shaken my faith in everything I've ever believed in.

There was this great scene at the end of season two of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where the vampire Angel (who lost his soul) has Buffy at the end of a sword and is about to kill her. He says something like, "you're just a frightened little girl,  take it all away, your friends, family, and what is left?"  She opens her eyes, grabs the sword and replies "me!" and comes back fighting.

This thing can affect our relationships with our friends, family, our job, our health, our sanity and our dignity, but when it's all taken away, then we get to who we really are; and for the first time in my life I'm starting to know who I really am.  I don't know if this last attempt is going to succeed or fail,  I don't know if my gynie problems are a symptom of my own infertility,  but I know that whatever the outcome and whatever else I choose to do with my life, I am going to come back fighting.

... and next month when we get the inevitable big fat negative can someone please remind me that I just really typed that?


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## TwoSocks

Glad you are feeling more positive.

YOU GO GIRL!!!n


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## Danuna

Two days until we try again.

WARNING TOO MUCH INFORMATION AHEAD!

 Valentines' Day yesterday. Despite what I said about surrogates not being angels* there is one thing that surrogates and angels _do_ have in common. We can't have, well, you know, we can't do IT. No one wants to be guessing the surrobaby's father; so it's best if we don't take the risk, even with err, protective coverings. I don't know how those surrogates with partners manage to negotiate the intimite side of their relationship. Maybe I don't really want to know. Oh Goddess, bad thoughts, bad thoughts, NO I don't want those images in my head!

Wishing baby dust to anyone else who is trying this month. 

*http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,48467.0.html


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## crownmum

Hi Danuna

That's one of the downsides of surrogacy I am afraid, unless your partner has had the snip. 

Good luck with the forthcoming inseminations!


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## Danuna

That would make an original chat up line don't you think:  "Have you had the snip?".  I just want to try it to see what kind of a reaction I would get.


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## Danuna

Five days post ovulation. Attempt number six. So far I'm not feeling any different. Feel like yelling at any embryos:

_"Hey, it's easy, straight down the fallopian tube, into the uterus and get stuck into the lining. Your Dad's a rock climber. It's in your genes. Just get a grip. You know how long your Mum and Dad have been trying for you? Do you know that your surrogate has had to give up booze, bonking and aspartmine for you? Right then you little b*ggers, don't let your parents down. There's plenty of time for that when you are a stroppy teenager."_

Okay, now I've vented a bit I feel so much better.  Thanks for listening.


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## Jaq

Hi Danuna
The things you say do make me    
Those embies will certainly know their places now!!   it/they(!!!) will stick this month - GOOD LUCK HUN!!!!!
Love Jaq


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## Danuna

Well, it really is over. Seven days post ovulation and I'm cramping up and bleeding very heavily. The old witch has had her way once again.

I guess that this story is not going to have a happy ending. Goddess knows the three of us have tried. I can't help but think that if they had been chosen another surrogate that they would be well on their way to having their baby by now. Hey I'll bounce back. It's not like I've lost anything. I just don't know how my friends are going to carry on. They have more strength than I have.

I've always been the kind of person that wants to die fighting - problem is that doing it is almost guaranteed to get me killed. I've never been a great one for self preservation.

Anyway, breaking the board rules on copyright, I though I'd share this with you:

Full of Grace
SARAH McLACHLAN from the album 'Surfacing'

the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love

so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love

copyright SARAH McLACHLAN http://www.sarahmclachlan.com/

Kinda says it all really doesn't it? I'll post again if there's any news.


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## crownmum

Hi Danuna

Sorry it did not work again this month.

Jayne


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## EJJB

Thinking of you all.
Love and Hugs
EJJB
  x


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## Jaq

Oh Danuna
I'm so sorry hun    You must all be so disappointed. But I know your IPs will always be grateful that you even offered to help them, and I guess now is a good time to reassess where you all want to go from here. I've heard of several cases where it has taken longer than 6 months to get preg, but I can only imagine how stressful it must be each month. Anyway, for now, take care of yourself, book a few special treats and don't stop writing on here, I'd really miss you  

Love and hugs
Jaq


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## **Tashja**

Hun (((HUGS)))

It took me 6 months to get preggers with DD - and that was trying the traditional way 

Hope you can find te strength to keep going.

Tashja xx


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## Danuna

So where do I go from here?

Firstly, I need to get my hormone levels checked.  Secondly, get my STD tests redone.  Thirdly, get a lap and dye to check that my tubes are clear.  Knowing how slow the NHS is, that should take at least eighteen months.  Mean time, I need to get a bit fitter, because I've let myself get flabby over the past few years.

In the middle of all this I'll be cheering you all from the sidelines.  I'll post again soon.

Danuna/Cybermintz


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## angelwomb

Hi Danuna

I'm sorry to hear it hasn't worked again this month  
Big hug to you all from me!

Love
Angelwomb
-x-x-x-x-x-


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## Danuna

A very quick update from me. I'm still doing the twenty one day progesterone test for three months, then I'm going to decide where I go from there.

Still cheering everyone on from the side lines.[br]: 2/06/06, 11:19Yeah! Twenty one day progesterone tests came back as being within the normal range.


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## weeble

Danuna glad your tests came back normal. Hope you find the right IP's very soon. I think your amazing. 
Love
Weeble xx


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## Bel

Danuna,

I've just read your story. Just wanted to say that you are one amazing lady. I really admire your strength and determination. I think your IP's will be very lucky.

Love,

Bel,x


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## Danuna

Thanks Webble and Bel.

I wish I could say that I was strong and determined all the time... even being strong and determined _most_ of the time would be good.

I have to be very careful what I type, because as you all know, there is a ban on advertising for surrogacy and I don't want to get this message board, or myself, into trouble. The law allows adverts for drinks that can kill, porn that degrades human relationships and fast food that junks up your arteries but not surrogacy.  Go figure.


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## weeble

Agree with you 100%, the laws are crazy. I was lucky I already had my sister as a surrogate, but if I hadnt I dont know what I would have done. 
Hopefully through this thread & talking in general about it, you might meet someone you can bond with. It must be awful for you to want to do this and yet not be able to find the right IP's. My sister was desperate to help us, but with my Dh walking out just as we were about to start, she has now been left frustrated by it all.
I know we dont know each other (yet), but Im always around if you want to sound off about stuff. 
Love
weeble xx


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## Danuna

Thanks Weeble. I've got loads of support from Surrogacy UK and my wonderful family, but the more people on side the better. From what I write, I sound like a real miserable cow, but honestly, in real life I'm very bouncy and chirpy. Like an over fed budgerigar.

From reading your signature line it sounds like you've been through quite a lot yourself. I've only been at this a year and a half, but I know enough to know that after a while, disappointments become a way of life. Thanks for the vote of confidence.[br]: 3/08/06, 18:01


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## weeble

Where do you live....the Outer Hebrides?  

It truely is stupid not being able to advertise for SM/IP's. Surely you could find someone who is willing to travel. I know I would go to wherever was needed at whatever time. Maybe you should put where you live in your profile, give people an idea.
This board is a bit quiet in the surrogacy dept isnt it.........yeah I know Tashja, just the way you like it. 

Love
weeble xx


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## **Tashja**

Weeble - your a cheeky mare !!! lol

I am reading your posts but busy trying to move house !!

I also have no IPs at the moment so I might start looking again soon 

T xx


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## weeble

I know. 

Good luck with the house move hunny. Hope your new home makes your dreams come true.


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## Danuna

> Where do you live....the Outer Hebrides?


Other end of the country Weeble - sunny Cornwall, in the s***y center, not the coast.

The problem with distance is that, ideally, insems should be done two days before ovulation, on the day of ovulation and the day after ovulation. That's four, possibly five days out of every month where the IPs lives' are being disrupted. If the IPs live so far away that they have to stay overnight, that's one heck of a lot of time out of work.

To make matters worse, it is not unusual for it to take five months, to get a successful result. This is at a time where the IPs will be saving up in order to meet the surrogate's expenses later on in the pregnancy, which only adds to the pressure.

Intended parents also have to be able to get a parental order, which means that they have to be a married (civil partnerships do not count), over 18 and live in the UK, otherwise it's not surrogacy, it's arranged adoption which throws up a whole other load of questions.


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## EJJB

Just remember Minty it doesn't work on Geography alone.
If we hadn't of got on with our surro, we wouldn't have worked with her, even though she's only an hour and a half away.
I know you're getting fed up, but the right couple are out there somewhere.
Love 
EJJB
  x


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## Danuna

Hiya EJJB

Great advice.  I promise that I will be careful.


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## Danuna

Looking forward to the Surrogacy UK get together in October. It's going to be great to catch up, in person, with everyone on the Surrogacy UK message board.


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## wannabeeamummy

Hiya, you and I have spoken before, elsewhere Hey Cornwall is great, I go down there all the time, as my family and friends all live down there, and I have just got married down there. In fact I invited you to my wedding down there. I am sure that if someone likes you; they will travel the distance. I certainly would if it were me, plus you can always go visit them! have a weekend break, up country!!! Dont give up, it is a wonderful thing that you are about to do, and I am sure that someone will 'go the distance' for you , Pippa


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## Danuna

Counting down the days to the Surrogacy UK AGM.  Really looking forward to catching up with the people that I met last year and meeting, in person, the new ones that have joined the board since the last AGM.


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## Behappy

Hope to get chance to meet you too Minty, we are really looking forward to the AGM. Ambelside was our first big GT and quite overwhelming so this will be easier. 
Karen


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## Danuna

Hiya Karen, I'll look out for you and your DH.  I'm quite the buzzy friendly type so you'll have nothing to worry about.  No wallflowers are allowed when I'm around, they will be ruthlessly targeted by myself and made to join in with the fun whether they want to or not.


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## Behappy

Just hope you won't be armed with a lightsabre too!  
Karen


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## Danuna

Sorry, Karren, did not have room in my backpack for both weapons and chocolate, so the lightsabre will have to stay at home for today.

So, here I am, sitting in the library of the youth hostel at the SurrogacyUK AGM.  Here's hoping it all goes well....


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## wannabeeamummy

Hi Guys, lighsabre or not, I hope you all had a wonderful time, and everyone found what the were looking for at the meeting, be it information or friends. I look forward with interest to reading all about your exciting times., and hopefully happy journeys. Wishing you all the best


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## Danuna

I've finally come to the decision to stop looking for IPs and to quit surrogacy all together.  I've decided to start taking the pill again to see if that calms the cramps a bit and in the mean time, ask to be referred back to the gynaecologist to look at surgical options.

I don't regret giving surrogacy a try for one moment.  Of course, I regret that it did not work for my Intended Parents and if I had my time all over again, knowing what I do now, I would not do it again because, well, it did not work and it was not exactly an easy ride.

I don't regret trying surrogacy because it could have worked.  My Intended Parents could have had the family that they dreamed of, it might have helped my problem without the finality of surgery, and it could have worked.  I'm glad that we gave it a chance.

Saying thank you to Surrogacy UK and the Fertility Friends team and everyone else seems so inadequate a way of expressing my gratitude to everything that everyone has done to support me through these past two and a bit years.  

I'm so glad that I've seen so many people at Surrogacy UK become families.  I hope that I can stick around to see lots of you that are now trying or waiting also have their babies.

Of course, I think that anyone that wants to devote themselves twenty four seven to something that resembles a peeled prawn, cries like fingernails on a blackboard, has to be fed at least every four hours and changed as well must be a bit crazy, but hey, if that's what you want with all your heart, I really, really wish that you guys and girls get your dream - and that the surrogates do not get piles and stitches in the process.

Thank you for helping us to try.

Sincerely

Danuna AKA Cybermintz


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## Jaq

Ah Danuna, sorry to be losing you as a surro    But glad you have made a decision to go forward and I really hope the docs can sort you out and make life much more comfortable for you. You are such a witty writer and have often cheered me up, especially when things were so hard for us. Obviously we are now sooo looking forward to the arrival of our "prawn"   and will be forever grateful that there are kind and generous ladies like you out there who give couples like us the chance to become families - you are such very special people  
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and I wish you every happiness for the future.
Take care of yourself and keep in touch.
Love Jaq


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## EJJB

Oh Minty, I am very sorry to hear this news.
I think you are a great girl, and what you did for your old IP's was amazing.
I'm so glad you don't regret it, cos you tried so hard, and everyone knows it isn't easy.
I so hope things work out for you and please stick around over on SUK. I for one will miss you if you don't.
Love and hugs
EJJB
X 
and a special kiss from our new addition EMB


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## wannabeeamummy

Hi Chris, sorry to hear you are not going on your journey, but I hope everything else in your life works out well for you. My journey is going succesfully now, I love prawns LOL; Keep your chin up, and we can get together for a drink next time I come to cornwall. Perhaps I will have my prawn with me then. Keep up the happy chat, xx


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