# Feeling like S%*t....Totally useless!



## Benetton (Jul 11, 2009)

Forgive me guys I just wanted to vent really, feeling really blue today, actually past couple days been a little stressed/anxious number of reasons but today I have just had some ...not so god news from the hospital. 

Well it all started after DP left early this morning, She is away til Saturday and so she wasn't here when the postman arrived.

At first I was ok, only last night a little sulky/moody, this morning fine, however my mother has been a great cause for anxiety the past few years for various reasons (role reversal) and as I was just settling down to enjoy a relaxing day she called me.

I hesitated for a long time and let the phone ring, I sat holding it just looking at the caller ID, wondering if I should just call back later, but as per usual, I got that guilty feeling and thought "What if something really bad this time has happened??"... So I answered it, I wish I hadn't, more bad news and she ended up being upset and hanging up. 

I just felt deflated. Then the post arrived.

This is my first IVF treatment, today I received that letter they send out telling you how many eggs they collected, in my case 20, (out of which I know 6 fertilised ) and they transfered 2 (both a little slow growing)... Finally the bad news.... they froze 0, zilch, Nada.

I don't feel like this time it worked anyway, as the side effects from cyclogest are driving me batty, dont knwo which end is up, and now I don't feel as though I have anything to really hang on to to keep me positive about the outcome, so many things ride on the outcome of this that I cant begin to think of the situation I will be in if it doesn't work and now to know that the others, out of so many were not good enough to even freeze... well I just started to      
I feel so useless and poop about myself.

I cant tell DP yet, she left in a good mood and I know she hates being away from me but also I don't want her to be worrying whilst she is away so going to tell her when she gets back instead...or maybe not ..I dunno she has to go away again for another week on Monday again for work, will be bad enough she is away for the blood results  

I just feel like ..I dunno I just feel poop, really poop and I hate my new  job and I have to go back tomorrow and I wish sometimes my mum would just go away and then I have terrible guilt about thinking that way because when oneday when she is really gone i will look back and regret ever feeling this way about her ...... this time Oh       ... If this doesn't work and we get a BFN we won't have that one FET  at least to look forward to.
   

Benett x


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## Hales :) (Mar 26, 2010)

I know it's hard when you're feeling rubbish, but try to stay positive, you don't know the outcome of the two embryos you've had replaced yet - I always take the attitude, cross that bridge when you come to it, so don't worry about not having any frozen until you need to!  I think the cyclogest pretty much screws you up anyway, my OH really didn't think she was pregnant last time on them and she was - So you never know!! 

Stay hopeful, I've got my fingers crossed for you!! 

btw - For what it's worth, if I was your OH, I'd want to know and wouldn't want you going through it on your own at home

x


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## pem (Jan 10, 2007)

Benetton - don't give up on them embryos hun.........    

Cyclogest drives you completely crackers....i have had a terrible time on it this time round, it turns you upside down emotionally and physically...and you just cannot know what the outcome is, all three of my BFP's have been different...2 natural and 1 IVF.....with Edie, I was totally convinced i wasn't pregnant.

It is so hard when they can't get all of your eggs/embryo's to a good stage, I was gutted when we only had one to freeze so i really sympathise with you having none, it must be a horrible feeling...BUT...they put your best ones back remember...so they are probably in there right now, getting all cosy...

Try and keep your head above water hun, these feelings will pass and you will have your result soon, I would tell your DP, she loves you and will want to comfort you.. 

you are not useless, you are a strong woman who has been knocked off your wobble by bloomin progesterone.... 

loads of    

pem x


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## Benetton (Jul 11, 2009)

I know you are both right to stay positive. I really appreciate your encouragement, I guess no-one can prepare you for this gruelling treatment-not as bad as some, granted, but so bloody frustrating  

I know I can't do anything at this stage to change anything, I can only wait, I just hate all my hope resting on something I have no control over with no back-up plan or second chance, my PCT only give us 1 fresh one frozen cycle, if only I lived 1/2 mile closer I would have had 3 cycles. I know I shouldnt be harping on about not having any frozen but for the past 5 years I have been living on "back-up plans" and " plan b's" and cant help fearing the what -if's the same what-if's that drive me crazy WITHOUT bloody Cyclogest... can you imagine what i'm like on it.. arrgghhhh!!

Anyway, I will try, but I just feel so bloody miserable and having to go to work tomorrow which is in a highly emotionally stressful environment anyway and now add the way I am feeling, I just want to go under the duvet and sleep til next Thursday.

I know DP would want to know and I know when she gets back she will tell me off big time for not telling her sooner, I will maybe tell her when I am not so emotional about it later, bless her, as well as having a highly stressful job herself she has been doing overtime emotionally supporting me for the past 3 weeks and she never complains. 

Thanks again  @ hales8181,   @Pem

Benett x


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Hi Benetton,

I really know how you feel hun as the same happened to us   and it was really hard for me to remain positive during my 2ww when I knew we had no frosties as a plan b, as we had hoped. But as Pem and Hales have said this cycle is not over for you yet, so try to hang in there hun....

Hope you are able to tell DP soon too  

S x


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## starrysky (Dec 6, 2004)

Hi Benett

I just wanted to echo everyone else not to lose your hope for this try    .

Like you I had on my 2nd IVF twenty eggs, nine embies, and no frosties but I did have a BFP! The way we knew about frosties was that they would call on the morning of embie transfer so I knew when the phone didnt ring before we rang the clinic doorbell that there were none. I had really thought that there would have been and that would have given me a third try.

Sorry to hear about your mum.

I have my fingers firmly crossed for you.

Starrysky


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

really    for this cycle!

sorry your mum drives you potty at times ...


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## Benetton (Jul 11, 2009)

Thank you Starrysky & amieegaby 

I decided to tell DP when she called, she was fantatstic as ever and postive, I could hear her disappointment over the phone but she said she was glad I told her and told me not to stress and reassured me it was going tobe ok whatever happens. I tried to sound positive for her and actually you know what? I just have to get on with it. 
Thursday we could be jumping for joy and screaming at eachother down the phone in excitement  

My thanks to all of you ladies...   

As for my mum....I dunno what to do she caled back to say sorry for earlier, I just wish she didnt make me so anxious all the time, I know she doenst mean to, I guess being the eldest has its down sides etc...   Oh Well.

Benett x


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## Kazzz (Feb 20, 2008)

Benetton  

We were told by our clinic that only one in seven couples get frosties. 
 - you only need one.
K


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## Benetton (Jul 11, 2009)

Oh Thank you Kazz we werent told that at homerton so didnt know what to expect was just told we had one opportunity to freeze and one fresh, I think If we were prepared that the chances of having some to freeze was low I think I would have felt better. 

thanks honey x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Benetton -  the drugs can drive you nuts with added family stress hence I never told mine. 20 eggs is great, maybe you can ask the clinic and embryologist why you only got 6 embryos from such a god crop - would ICSI have helped? were they immature  eggs etc

I have never had any frosties, as do may people they are a very special bonus not a guaranteed and often they don't survive the thaw so they do brings enxieties as well!! and as long as you have 2 for your ET you have a good chance.  As for funded cycles I have never had any of our cycles funded so can't comment on them, as I never had a plan b.

Dust yourself off, think positive and visualise positive images and look forward to DP coming home, put the disagreement with your mum in the past and dont well on it anymore.

Take care
L x


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## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Benetton - . Hope it all works out! x


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## Hales :) (Mar 26, 2010)

Benneton - Are you not able to get signed off work? My OH has a really stressful job so we were advised by the nurses at our clinic to get her signed off whilst in the 2ww, the docs were very accomodating - In fact I think they even asked her if it was ok to put IVF on the sick note, worth asking!

x


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## Benetton (Jul 11, 2009)

Welshginge- thanks hun

Hales- well I could but just had a month off annual leave, I have three night shifts of 12 hours to do starting tonight, then off again for 4 so hoping to just get through this.

Feeling better today not about work but about the letter etc...The mum situation isnt about arguing it's more about her constantly wanting me to fix her situations and if you have ever had role reversal with your parents you'll know its very hard to help them manange their lives as well as your own stresses.

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

benett xx


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