# New to all of this - help please?



## aitch (Sep 6, 2006)

Hi

I've been lurking for a while and reading as much as I can but I still have some questions which I would be really grateful if you 
could help me with. I am sure some of them have been asked and answered before, so please excuse me if they have.

My DH and I have had 4 unsuccessful fertility tx and we are no further forward in finding out why it does not work for us. We get a decent amount of eggs and a good fertilisation rate and have established that the embies can go on to become good quality blastocysts, but they just do not want to implant into me!  

We've come to the decision that we should start to look at host surrogacy as our way to try and get a family of our own. My DH will be 45 next year and I am aware that there is an upper age limit for IP of 45, or is that just through COTS?

Can you please help us with the following questions:

How do we go about finding a host surro mum in the UK? I've read about Triangle through COTS - is that the only route? The 
SurrogacyUK website said they did not pair up IP with Surrogates?  Which agency do people prefer and why?

How long on average does it take to find a surro mum? If we register with an agency now and do not find one before my DH has his 45th birthday next year are we then excluded? What happens if we are fortunate to have one baby with a surrogate - as my DH would then be over 45 would it be impossible for us to have a sibling?

What do surrogates look for in IPs? How do they decide who to go with? Is location a key factor?  What about contact with the child afterwards?  I would imagine that a close friendship would form between IPs and surrogate but does the SM want to continue that afterwards or  does she then want to move on with her life and other IPs??

Do surrogate mothers only have one embie transfered to minimise the risk of twins/multiple births?

Are there any problems with fertility clinics doing the IVF with IP / embryo transfer with a surro mum - are there any special considerations they need to take into account?  What I really mean is will any clinic do it or are there certain ones that are more open to the idea?

Sorry there are so many questions!  This is all really new to us and I am not sure where to go for the answers!  FF has always been such a great resource for questions and support in the past I you don't mind me gatecrashing your thread.

Many thanks in anticipation of your help!

H xxx


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## Jennifer (Jul 22, 2004)

Hi H

I have had fertility tx myself and am lucky enough to have twin daughters as a result which is why I want to be a surrogate for someone else.

I joined SUK because their values are Friendship first Surrogacy second which suited me as I couldn't imagine having a baby for someone I barely knew and then perhaps never seeing that child again. Personally that would be very upsetting for me. The couple I am helping are lovely and we have become good friends - we will remain good friends after the birth so whilst the baby will be theirs and only theirs, I will be like a special auntie to him/her. H & R are proud of the fact they are going down the surrogacy route and any resulting child will know that they were conceived this way.

What I was looking for in IPs was that they were comfortable and happy about the whole thing ! If there had been any doubt in my mind, or felt that they were uncomfortable, I would never go ahead. Also, I wanted a couple that were going to be honest with their child about how they came about. Location was important to me - Its so much easier to get to know IPs if they are near(ish). My IPs live just over an hour from me and that works well as they can pop over for the afternoon/dinner etc easily and if/when I am pregnant with their baby they will be able to visit us often and attend all appts/scans etc. The most important thing is that we all get on really well, that they enjoy spending time with my children, which they do and my children love them too ! Oh, and I really didn't want to be viewed as a rented womb  !!! My health and family come first and I know Hayley would be the first to say that 

Personally I have chosen to have only 1 embryo transferred as I want my risk of conceiving twins minimised as much as possible. I have a teenager and twin toddlers to think about and a twin pregnancy is twice as exhausting as a singleton and the risks are that much higher. I don't think this is common though and know surrogates that are very happy to have 2 put back.

Not all clinics do surrogacy unfortunately. Special considerations are that the clinic has to be happy that all concerned are absolutely and fully armed with the facts and they have to be sure that everyone is comfortable with the situation. They counsel both couples seperately and together.

I hope that has helped a bit ! I have tried to answer all your questions as well as I can 

Here is a link to SUK http://www.surrogacyuk.org/cgi-bin4/default.asp message board - You will find that most/all of your questions will be answered on there and the girls are really friendly and helpful too  Anything you want to know, just ask 

Wishing you all the best for the future whatever you decide to do 

xx

/links


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## Amandajb (Sep 6, 2007)

Hi there!

There is no doubt in my mind that COTS and SUK both offer support and assistance for people going down the surrogacy route.  Their services are excellent and although there is a cost implication for IPs joining these organisations, I believe that they serve a very useful purpose for people who find themselves considering this avenue. 

However, the most important thing, in my opinion, is that both the IPs and Surrogate communicate openly, honestly and frankly.  Both the above organisations seem to understand this, hence why they are so successful at what they aim to do.

As a host surrogate, 25 weeks into a twin pregnancy, I chose the independent route.  I belong to the Message Boards at SUK, Miracles Do Happen as well as here, and spent many months investigating the whole surrogacy subject.  The law is quite tight here, in that you cannot advertise as being a surrogate or wanting a surrogate so I used overseas sites.  However, because the law is so tight, there are many UK based IPs who also use these sites trying to find that special angel who can help them achieve their dreams.

I talked to many IPs, weighing up location, outlook and the people in general.  The first couple I worked with, although not a successful ending, were both well over 45, (IM was 51).  The age itself does not prohibit membership with SUK and COTS (I'm going back in my memory now), but they do explain that surrogates may not choose to work with older IPs because of the lower success rates. 

The second couple I chose to work with are a resounding success.  They are younger yes (late 30s), but more importantly, they got to know me as a person, rather than a surrogate.  Our expectations are more similarly matched, which obviously helps.

The clinic we used was excellent and understood the whole situation prior to us arriving.  Both myself and the IPs travelled to London (2 hrs each way), just to get to a clinic which understood and accepted the whole position.

I agreed to two embryos being transferred, but that was my choice.  I knew the risks involved and chose to accept them.  As it turns out, I was glad I thought carefully before tx started, because now the twins will be arriving around Christmas.

We took time to discuss everything (I mean everything) before we started. This included elective reduction, termination and other emotive subjects. I asked every question I wanted, and allowed them to do the same.  I was truthful in my answers, as I believe they were.  They have never dictated what I can and cannot do, because there has to be trust on both sides.

Surrogacy is a difficult and complicated issue.  But most other treatments mentioned on this site could be described in the same way.  Whilst most times that surrogacy turns up in the press, it is for negative reasons, the reality is much different.  Only a very minute few surrogacy arrangements end badly. Unfortunately, bad news makes for better sales. 

My advice to you would be to research, research and then research some more.  COTS and SUK are excellent organisations who offer advice and information which is invaluable.  However, use the internet as a whole and gather as much information to enable you to take the best route for you.

I've babbled on and I'm sorry for that.  Ask as many questions as you need.  I hope I've answered a few of yours, but if not, someone else will!


Take care


Amanda


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## Jaq (Sep 23, 2003)

Hi H and welcome

Jennifer and Amanda have covered an awful lot and given you loads of great info. But I just wanted to add that as far as I understand it, you can join COTS up to your 45th birthday (and sometimes beyond), and then, once you are a member can continue with them until you are 50. Given that most people consider all sorts of routes to become a family before deciding on surrogacy, there are quite a few of us oldies around in the surrogacy world - you and your hubby are not unusual age wise!
Wishing you the best of luck.
Love Jaq


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## aitch (Sep 6, 2006)

Hello

Many thanks to Jennifer, Amanda and Jaq for all the information.  I have registered for the message board on SurrogacyUK and am waiting for them to confirm my logon/ password before I can get on and have a good read on the threads on there.  Unfortunately we are away the weekend of the next conference which is a pain but we will certainly go along to the next one.  They sound very informative.  

Amanda - can I ask how you found your IPs independently?  Was it through a non UK site?

We had our follow up with our clinic today to discuss the BFN from our recent FET.  Apparently our clinic does not do surrogacy but we were advised that we may fall into difficulty because of my age (3.  Because I am over 35  we have been advised any clinic doing surrogacy for us would need to get permission from the HFEA to use our embies as effectively we would be donating eggs to the surrogate?  Does that sound right to you?  If it is true, is it a big stumbling block?  Our cons did mention some clinics that get good results that do do surrogacy which was helpful so I may give them a call for some more info.  He also said that they have  created embies for couples that have then taken them to the USA for surrogacy.  It seems such a long way to go, I had never considered that before.  Does anyone know anything about surrogacy in the US?  I was thinking that we would do a fresh cycle for surrogacy (if we were lucky enough to find a surro mum) as I thought that fresh cycles had a better success rates.  Does anyone have good experiences of using frozen?  If age is going to be against us presumably it would be better to get some as soon as possible and in the freezer?

Sorry so many questions!  This is all so new to me.  I am going to have to read, read read!

Many thanks for your help.

H x


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## Amandajb (Sep 6, 2007)

I'm glad the information was of use to you. 

I found my IPs via a US site.  Can't remember which one, but it was either Surromumsonline or  OPTS. I just remember that I had about 30 or so replies over a couple of weeks and they were all either within the UK or Eire.  That was good because it meant I had a fair range of people, but  bad as it meant a lot of leg work!

The clinic I went through (London based) I believe had their own ethics committee, as I don't think they had to go via the HFEA.  (My IM is over 35). If they did it was all very quick, as I'm due to give birth in December and we didn't have our first appointment (ie before baseline tests were done) until mid December last year.  Then we had the counselling etc to be done, so it all went through ever so smoothly.  

We did one cycle of fresh embryos (faint +ve but then failed), followed by a natural cycle using frozen.  So, in my experience, frozen is not a problem, and is my preferred choice. I had the same concerns as you have, and researched the whole thing as I'd heard that frozen were less successful than fresh.  (I'm NOT of that opinion now!)

As for taking your embryos out of the country to find a surrogate, I would urge you to take legal advice about that.  Although the US is far more advanced than the UK when it comes to surrogacy legislation, you then have the complication of differing nationalities to contend with.  I'm not saying don't do it, just proceed with caution and get everything you can prior to embarking on that direction.

I'm really glad you found all the information useful.  This is just the start - keep asking, asking, asking. (And then ask some more...)

Take care.  


Amanda


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## Jo (Mar 22, 2002)

aitch said:


> Apparently our clinic does not do surrogacy but we were advised that we may fall into difficulty because of my age (3. Because I am over 35 we have been advised any clinic doing surrogacy for us would need to get permission from the HFEA to use our embies as effectively we would be donating eggs to the surrogate?


Hi
Just to say we went through our last cycle with our surrogate, and I was 40, and I don't think they went through the HFEA. I would have a ring round and get some views from a few clinics 

Good Luck.
Jo
x x


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## Fruitbat24 (Nov 6, 2006)

Hi 

Our clinic which is based in London - the London Fertility Clinic do not have an age limit for their surrogacy patients.  Also unless there is an issue , as surrogacy is so commonplace in the clinic, people are not reffered to the ethics committee.

I am 36 and this posed a problem for the Bourne clinic in Cambridge - it has certainly not been an issue at the LFC.  I have older friends who are undergoing treatment at the clinic too.


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## aitch (Sep 6, 2006)

Wow, ladies thanks for the replies.  I am beginning to feel a bit more positive that this may actually be a potential route for us now.  My "application" for the message board for SurrogacyUK has now been accepted so I will have a nosey around on there and hopefully pick up some more information.  Thanks so much for all your help and advice.  I will certainly keep popping on here to see whats happening.  Good luck to those that are due to have babies soon.

Best wishes
H xxx


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## OD2 (Oct 1, 2007)

Hiya,

I just want to say that it does sound like your current clinic is talking nonsense.  I'm at the London Fertility Clinic too, I'm 37 and there's no problem with my age and no ethics committee unless we or our surrogate give them cause for concern when we have our pre-treatment counselling.

In terms of how long it might take to meet a surrogate who offers to help you, it's a case of how long's a piece of sting.  I'm a member of SUK and we met someone at our first conference who became a friend and a year later we're having our "agreement session" this weekend to start the process.  Others have had offers in a matter of a few weeks or months (this can cause problems by the way as you don't know each other that well and misunderstandings can arise) and others have had to wait for several years.    

Whatever you decide in the long term, I'd suggest that you come along to a social with SUK - you'll be under no obligation to join and you can chat to people informally about your options.  

Hope to meet you some time!

Fiona


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## Freckles (Sep 10, 2004)

Hi,

Just to add that I went through surrogacy in the USA, it's v expensive and and has the added stress of the travelling and distance  but if you pick the right state it has many advantages over the UK system including legally binding contracts, clinics with outstanding success rates and excellent support for the surrogates and if you want it can happen quickly.  If you want to know more please PM me.

xxxx


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## sarsmccabe (Nov 23, 2007)

Hi

Sarah xx


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