# Does anyone else feel like .....



## Mrsball

Does anyone else feel like the world is against them. 
From as serious as all our fertility problems or as minor as our washing machine breaking! I feel so emotionally vulnerable. 

Little things like that just make me cry myself to sleep. 

Like last night I managed to lose a Christmas card from my nan with £100 in it. It's not about losing the money as such but more the complete guilt I feel through my own carelessness

I keep wondering when the hell will our luck change??!

Does anyone else ever feel like the world is against them?
😪😭😥😪😥😪😥


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## coweyes

Yes i did when i was going through a really bad patch and my confidence was knocked.  The simplest of tasks made me nervous as i felt too stupid and thick to do them.  I was too stupid and thick to have a baby and basically everything be it big or small that didn't go right or as i planned it was because i was too stupid and thick.  I really lost my identity and it played havoc with my work and my marriage.  I think the only real time through my 7 year marriage that there was a genuine ? over if it was going to work or not.  The worst thing is i didn't even notice it it was my dh and then that made me feel even worse.  I def felt as if the world was against me.  I went to counselling and this really helped.  Tbh its probably not your luck that needs changing but your attitude to it, as in if your feeling negative towards yourself then everything else will appear negative.  I begain to feel so much better when i address the issue and realised that life wasnt against me it was one area of my life taking over everything else and that was due to me want for a baby.  xxx


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## Mrsball

Hi coweyes
Thanks for the reply. That's a really good view on it actually. Made me rethink it and I feel a bit better 
I have m consultation at barts tomorrow so it's probably that playing on my mind too. 
X


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## coweyes

Good luck for tomorrow. xx


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## mrs_ss30

I definitely feel this way most days!  It seems to me that every decision I make works out badly...just a small example, I can be sat in traffic and make the decision to switch lanes as the other is moving faster, but no sooner than I do this, the other lane speeds up and I'm stuck moving slow again!!  Or making a decision to change jobs only to realise it's incredibly stressful, which is detrimental to ttc, but can't move now due to the intensity of treatments and appointments!  Story of my life!!

The thing is, I know that there are a lot of positive things going on in my life.  I've just had a pay rise, I'm going to be an aunty soon, my marriage is wonderful...but because of the horrible situation I'm in, all these things pale in comparison.  I know I need to find a way to be more positive, if only for the sake of my own sanity, but it really is tough.  I try not to beat myself up about it though.  Most of the ladies on here will agree that there are good and bad days and you just have to ride both as best you can.  

On another note, I recently went on a course called 'Less Stress' and one of the things mentioned was that when you are in a state of heightened stress, for whatever reason, you need to try to reduced the amount of smaller stresses you place on yourself.  This might be something as small as letting your other half decide what's for dinner (this may not be stressful but having to make the choice on top of everything else may just be the straw that broke the camel's back) or, in your case Mrsball, letting him take responsibility for large amounts of cash in future .  I thought it was a really interesting viewpoint so just wanted to put it out there xx


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## Mrsball

Hi mrsSS30
Thanks for the reply. You make some really good points. 
I'm feeling much better today. I'm sure it's just the first of many wobbles on this tough journey! 
X


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## Bibi100

Mrs Ball I constantly feel like the world is against me. I feel like I've lost my ability to make decisions. My family keep asking me what I want for this, or for that or what I want to eat or do. I think they are trying to make me feel better but to be honest I don't care about minor things. Making decisions about them just stresses me out. I don't have enough energy to make day to day decisions when I feel like I'm battling through a jungle of massive decisions that will impact our entire future and everytime we get to a signpost it keeps moving like no one is prepared to give us an answer that we want to here. I'm increasingly thinking that the only way to gain some control back is to remove myself from being in the line of fire!


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## Mrsball

Hi everyone

Thanks for your replies. 
It's amazing what a difference speaking to people that truly understand can make. I feel loads better now. 
Friends and family are great but unless you are going through it you just can't understand the feelings we experience. 

Bibi100. I hope you're feeling a big better now too? 

Someone made a great comment on here ... That yes this journey is long, hard, frustrating and at times heartbreaking but in the end when you get there you will treasure it so much more than the average person. 
X


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## coweyes

Mrsball


So glad your feeling better, it breaks my heart to see so many ladies (and their men) struggle, just wish i had a magic wand for them all.


I think all babies are (should be)treasured.  I think the difference when you have struggled for such a long time is that you see things in a slightly different perspective.  Iv got a 9 month old daughter  and just yesterday one of my friends who also has a 9 month old said "pregnancy ruined your body" I said "its restored mine, its ended 6 years of heart ache".  I think for ladies who have struggled its not a given that your have a baby and because of that if your lucky enough to then your maybe not so effected by some of the unpleasant things that come with having a baby.  If that makes sense, its still very hard having to get up in the night when she cries but i totally appreciate the fact that im in the position to have to do that. xx


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## Guest

Hi MrsBall and everyone else! 

I think we all get to a point when every thing just stresses us out to our limits. TTC is such a emotional and stressfull journey, and there are the dark and difficult moments when we think 'Can i really do this'.  I think we all so much stronger than we give ourself credit for! ; - ) Throughout the journey there will be many highs and  lows. 

Hope the appointment went well xx


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## Mrsball

Hi everyone

Coweyes ... That makes perfect sense! 

Sophie... The appointment went really well thank you. Booked for end of march for our first IVF attempt! Fingers crossed. I'm feeling positive but trying to stay realistic too. Which is a really hard balance to find! 

How is everyone doing? 
X


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## greenfairy

Hi yes I felt like that. 

Going through 1st attempt and 2nd attempt I found I didn't really want to be around anyone. I just wanted to shut myself off from friends and family.

I used to cry loads at work etc and feel everyone was out to get me and felt nothing was going right.

Now after 3 failed attempt and a 4 month break between starting next treatment I'm more stronger. But think that its because I'm not thinking bout everything too much.

Last night was hard though as all the girls went out drinking and I couldn't drink so everyone was dancing etc and on a whole different level to me and having fun and I can't dance without drinking. I even had everyone pressuring me saying why am I not drinking? And whispers etc. In 5 hours only 1 girl came over to chat. No one asked if I was ok. It was alkward! I came home and cryed then wrote a blog. 

I've never been through anything as hard as ivf ( icsi)


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## Mrsball

Hi greenfairy
Hope you're feeling better now. As this thread demonstrates.. There really are such extreme highs and lows throughout this journey. 
I never thought I would have such low points before I even really got started! 
Just had an invite to our friends children's bday party. I've not accepted yet. 
And to be honest I don't know if I will either 
I feel like such a bad person for this but at the same time I've been told by the professionals this is a process and time when it's ok to be selfish if it makes it easier. 
X


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## queenie81

How are you MrsBall? 

I wanted to say that YES I really feel like you described. I snap and stress at little things but I know.it is due to my infertility and IVF etc. It had worn OH and I down, so much so that we are seeing a counsellor :-(


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## Mrsball

Hi queenie81

I've been better. 
I found out by email xmas eve that I need to have another scan in January as there was a cystic structure showing on my last scan. Which, if it's not gone on my next scan might require more surgery and délay treatment. 
I'm gutted and it ruined xmas for us. 

I then spent Boxing Day at the in laws with a baby and 4 solid hours of ooh aah ain't he cute. Look at him do this. Look at him do that. 
It was hell for me. 

I've got a lousy cold and chest infection too. 
So all in all this has been the worst year and worst xmas of my life :-(
X


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## queenie81

Ah that's awful. Fx it is gone when you are next scanned. I had the worst year and xmas of my life too which I know doesnt help you but you are not alone in feeling the way you do xx


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## Mrsball

As horrible as it sounds... I take a lot of comfort knowing there are plenty of ladies on here that truly understand x


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## queenie81

I just think that surely 2014 has got to be better...at least a little closer to starting treatment and hopefully bfps. Do you have any new years resoluations? I wrote a little plan for myself in an attempt to gain some control! Things like.continue with yoga, acupuncture, start a dress making course!! x


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## Mrsball

I try and tell myself it can't possibly be any worse!

I don't have any New Years resolution other than stopping drinking and getting healthy for treatment. I already work out around 4-5 times a week and am reasonably healthy but alcohol is both mine and hubby vice!

But we have both committed to to stopping 1st Jan (or at least limiting to one or two glasses of wine with a meal a week until treatment begins)

I've been having acupuncture for last year so planning on continuing with that. 

The only thing I do need to figure out is how to manage my stress levels as I am very up and down and emotional. 

Also, exercise has been my saviour through diagnosis and the months that have followed. On an average week I will run 5k twice a week. Do 2 spin classes and 1 body pump class plus an hour one day at the gym with my mum doing lighter stuff. 

I'm a little concerned that when treatment starts strenuous exercise like this is not recommended and I will need to find a new way to keep focused and on track. 

Do you recommend yoga?
X


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## Rania82

Hi MrsBall I can relate exactly to what you are saying. I am glad your feeling more positive  

I can relate to all you women.

Before I even started this journey I was so confident and happy go lucky. I had such a excellent attitude to do everything in life nothing ever grated me. NOW I am just a shell of that women   I have zero confidence I find it difficult going to places where lots of people will be there, I am very edgy and jumpy, I am extremely paranoid with the world. I am very teary (I can be pushing the trolley in Asda and before i know it tears are streaming down my face   ) I am so pathetic and weak   I hate the women that stares at be back in the mirror  

I am a horror to live with. I will be having a nice meal at the table than i will burst out crying, My husband does not know what to do with me anymore. If I was him I would have left me long ago   Nothing makes me want to smile. I feel so fat and ugly and worthless even though I know I am extremely tiny 7st.3lb I just feel like a BFP will take all this pain and sorrow away... 

I feel like such an angry person and I feel like the world are trying to show off their babies and pregnancy to me. I am sure family and friends are innocently sending me a picture but my head tells me their showing me what they can produce and what i cant  

I get so angry at my body than think am i missing a piece?? is my uterus normal like other women? are we even having sex in the correct way??   I have so many crazy things going through my head at times.

I hate infertility and it is very painful to be living it. I just feel it takes away the old personality. When i look at all pics and recent ones, my eyes are just dead now. I need to be stronger before i start a 5th IVF but sometimes I feel i might me that lady "who never" had the baby  

Sorry for the rant lady. I am so depressed with it all. I just wish it happened now..


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## queenie81

I completely relate to that Rania82...and I am only 19months into my journey. As you may have seen my OH and I are struggling. Ttc has destroyed me and our marriage and he is struggling to support me, so much so he is staying at his parents and we are in counselling...only 2 1/2 years after we got married. I feel like I have had my chance of having a family taken away from me AND the hnace of a happy married. Please take some solace in the fact that you have your OH next to you through this. I would do anything to have mine here right now. I dont mean to sound mean at all but cling tonyour Oh as much as you can xxx

Yoga is amazing although I only have time to go once a week. I have been considerig treating myself to a yoga retreat soon as really feel like I need it. I love meditation too and have down loaded some free apps on my phone. MrsBall, you have given me the final push I need to.sign up at my.local hotel gym! I picked up the paper work today and wasnt sure but now I will as it is lovely and rather posh amd will also give me somehing to do instead of sitting here wondering if OH will ever return xxx


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## Guest

Hi ladies..
I'm so sorry that you ladies feel this way, I am struggling so much right now with IF and trying to use to the idea that I am on my own again. IF can be a marriage killer, queenie know living apart is a killer, glad that you have gone to counselling.

Rania...I'm exactly the same. I'm laying in bed at my parents house thinking 'this is the end'.  I feel bitter upset mentally destroyed... I hope the hurt will go away soon

MrsBall. I really hope your scan goes well. Barts are good once they get you sorted.


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## Mrsball

Hi Sophie
I'm really sorry to hear your circumstances. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. But I sincerely hope this new year brings some fresh hope and positivity. When I first got diagnosed I made a huge list of various positive quotes or poems. And whenever I feel low I have a read through them and surprisingly they do lift my spirits a bit. 
I'm sure you will find a way to work through this bad time and regain your strength. It just will take time. 
Wishing you best of luck for your tough journey x x x


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## slimshady

You are not alone Hun
I totally agree and understand your emotions
World is not fair for some people
My miracle baby born sleeping at 16weeks 
And my whole world fell apart and stuggling now everyday with horible feelings
If there is a god out there he would do some fairness
Praying everybody who deserves babies to have them!


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## Mrsball

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss slim shady. 
Life is just so challenging at times. 
On the whole I feel good strong and positive 90% of the time. But when the low points come they really are just so low and full of fear and darkness 
I have another scan at barts tomorrow. The results of which could cancel our treatment if not positive. So yet another cross roads to deal with. 
I'm really trying to stay positive bit after a year of such bad news it's Slmost like it's all I expect now. X


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## tinkerbell24

Hi I defiantly feel how to described I will cry or worry about absolutely anything. I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment to see if it helps. I lost control at my partner the other day for moving a ornament   no biggy at all but to me it was. I used to be such as positive person but now I'm so negative it's taking over, your definatly nit alone abd I hope you feel as good as can be very soon


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## Mrsball

Hi Tinkerbell
I'm sorry you are feeling low too. From what I've heard counselling is a very good idea and really helps. I've not considered it myself just yet but if I reach that point where I just can't luck myself back up then I will. 
If what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger I think we will all be made of steel by the end of our journeys! 💪💪💪


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## tinkerbell24

I hope your feeling better mrsball I was so nervous about counselling and wasn't sure whether I actually needed cause I had good days to but it really helped me just to get everything out in the open and just cry, I'd defiantly recommend it if you ever feel you need it xx


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