# why cant my mum be happy for me!!!!!!!!!!!



## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

Rant alert!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I have come sooo far and then today wham bam it all slaps me in the face again   

I have been back at work since May having been off for over 4 months with depression.  I was doing really well until this wk when my manager got suspended and then contacted me to say she had got another job.  It leaves me in charge Manager of care home for elderly.  I was coping because the buck wasnt stopping with me (Im the deputy manager).  Now I feel like I have got all this pressure on top of me    

I could feel myself getting low, having a few panic attacks and general anxiety and not sleeping.... then DH got a phone call from the fostering agency to say that they have booked us on the initial training course for 27 august which is great since at that point they didnt even have our application form... they said they were really keen to get us started after meeting us at the intial home visit!!! 

After a really crap wk at work I thought I would phone my mum to tell her this great news ....... how wrong could I be!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me: "guess what mum the fostering agency have booked us for training before we have even given them the application form, they must really want us to do it"

mum: "oh that's nice.  I'm just about to go and pick up your two nieces to look after for the day, your sister deserves a break from the kids.  Oh and did I tell you that we bought a new mirror to finish off the newly decorated living room"  What the F**K!!!!!!!!!    

"Oh that's nice"  that's what she said!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry rant alert but I really need to get this out of my system or I will go nuts!!!!! Rewind back 5 years to the first time my sister got pregnant and telling my mum about it.  There was the secret phone call to me from my sister telling me she had just done a pregnancy test and could I keep the secret from my mum for a day or two.  Fast forward a few days to my mum and dad being invited to my sisters and me too ... sister telling my mum and dad .... lots of screaming with happiness, tears of joy, alcohol flowing, out for a celebration meal.  Followed by mum getting excited at every tiny update that my sister gave her.

Mmmmm then its my turn ...... well as close as I will ever fecking get to it.  Confirmation that we are allowed to progress, to make the next step to having children in our lives.  Me and DH had been consoling ourself and playing mind games by saying that this is almost like being at the stage where I have just done a pregnancy test, followed by blood tests which confirm that I am pregnant.  Phoning my mum ... in my own   head was almost like that moment.... telling her that it is real.... we are one step closer to having the joy of children.... being able to give a loving, supportive, caring life for children who have had a really difficult early start to their lives.  And what do I get "oh that's nice"  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm so mad I feel like I could smash everything up around me!!!!!!!!!!    No excitement for me, no celebration drink, no celebratory meal, no anticipation of the next step ... "oh thats nice"!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry I know I am repeating myself but cant help it, am so angry and hurt at the same time!!!!!

I got off the phone and felt like I had been run over.  DH tried making excuses for her, he said that they had been talking a few weeks ago and apparently she is concerned that I am starting the process too early, that she thinks I am "too fragile".  In October it will be a year since we made the decision that we could not afford treatment and would progress in another way - ie fostering.  It has been really difficult, at times I didnt think i would ever find the real me again the grief was so intense.  But I have found me again, I have begun to be happy again, I have regained my own worth and just how much I have to give and that I want to give all of me to supporting children.  I am ready to go ahead...... I am not ready to hear "oh that's nice".  It made me feel so inadequate, it made me realise all the reactions I have dreamed of my mum having with me will never happen.  It brought back the grief .... was it ever gone?? I dont think it will ever go ..... my gran died 5 years ago and i still I have moments of sadness and missing her .... its a process it doesnt just get a full stop put at the end and then baddabing everything is hunkydory ..... it takes time. 

I have had to control myself all day from phoning her back and ranting and raving.  I havent done it.....DH stopped me.  He keeps saying... she is only worried about you, she is worried that it is too early.  My response to that is to rant!!! The whole process takes a minimum of 6 mths then more time after that to match up with children.  DH is 48, we dont want to wait any longer, he wants to be young enough to be able to give the kids enough energy and enthusiasm.  I have been ready to have children in my life forever ..... I cant wait any longer.

I rant and then waves of intense sadness come over me   I am the oldest child, always dreamed of how it would be between me and mum when i had children.  Never ever thought the response I would get would be "oh thats nice".  Makes me feel like such a failure!!!!!!!!!

Cant stop crying now that i have typed all this   I feel sooo hurt that she doesnt understand how much it means to me and that this is our only option.  DH could lose his job on 28th July so money will not be plentiful ..... fostering is a way to put my professional skills of 11 years into practice, a way to earn a living and be paid for the immense privilige of having children in our lives!!! I think I need to curl up in bed and have a good cry


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## VixiePie (Jul 12, 2011)

First of all, I just want to give you a huge hug, this all sounds so intense and emotional,   I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. 
Secondly, alot of your post shows such maturity and hope, to hear that you are finding yourself again by devoting yourself to fostering children is making you happy and helping you find yourself - so much hope and love in this, I'm so happy for you getting to this point,  this is amazing, well done!!!!  It really is great news, and though you don't think you are been shown it by your mother, you know it is amazing, please hold on to that  

Thirdly, rather than ranting at your mum (which I have to admit I too would want to do) why don't you print this out, or part of it and present it to her, so she knows how you really feel, maybe part of what your other half is saying is true, she may be trying to react in a certain way as she may think its helping you, but not actually know the damage its doing. Its hard to defend 'people' that don't know what we are going through, and I really do feel for you, and it hurts to know you're hurting so much tonight, but please take support and care from those around you. 

I'm not too good at these post replies, but know you have my support and I'm sure there will be much better replies, but please take care and know I'm thinking of you XxX


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Oh Nic big big   to you sweetie.

I can completely understand you being hurt and annoyed.You are taking such positive and amazing steps forward in your life after all the hurt and heartache that you have endured and you just want your mum to be happy and supportive for you just the way she was for your sister. 

I'm sure huni like your dh said she is just concerened for you and loves you very much(after all you are an amazing lady ) but even so you need her to be supportive.
Maybe she is not sure how to act ? Or is scared she may say the wrong thing?...People around us just really don't understand do they.Even the people who love us. They dont get the magnitude of how much it hurts all the time and i guess thats not their fault but it doesn't make it any easier to take.

I think VixiePie's idea of printing some of this out is a good idea or maybe you could wrire her a letter telling her how you feel and how difficult this all is for you anyway but the way she is reacting is hurting you more?

What you and your dh is doing is amazing and the children that will come into your lives through this will be truly blessed  .I think once you are at the point of being a mummy and daddy to them your mum will be so excited and supportive for you i'm sure.

Hang in there sweetie and good luck for your DH on the 29th i'm   it all goes well for him.

Much love always
Sam xxx


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hey Nic

Just wondering how you were doing huni  . Thinking about you.

Much love
Sam x


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hey Nic

I'm just wondering how you are sweetie?

I hope you are hanging in there and hope it all goes well tomorrow for your dh   i'm sure it will.

Much love
Sam


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

Aah, you poor thing. So painful what you are feeling & all those hopes dashed. 
I do sympathise - I spent those few days in December, my final ICSI, imaging being able to call my mum on Christmas eve with the best present ever - positive test news. I could hear myself saying it & so wanted to. But it wasn't to be. All around me work colleagues having this experience & all that bonding. 

The other thing I want to say, is that mums of people our age are from a different generation - they don't often find it easy to express and talk about more difficult things. it is personality too as well but it's the stiff upper lip they suffer from as much as older blokes. 
When telling my mum about failed tx she was kind, but I was left wanting more. I then saw her at a family funeral, upset & facing the distress of the bereaved spouse, and really not being able to handle it apart from being very practical. Seeing that, and having counselling helped me work through that one & accept the support I do get from her. 

Later on, she did write me a letter saying we didn;t get much of a chance to chat when we all met up for mother's day. Well, we could have done, it was more about her finding the emotions hard. But in the letter she said she was proud of me and everything I am; whether I have children or not. You can imagine how the tears that flowed on reading that...

It is easier for me as my sister also failed IVF & eventually adopted so i don't have the same dynamic - but I do sometimes feel that focus is all on her kids; she has provided the grandkids that my mum & dad deserve to enjoy. I think she feels that too & makes sure she keeps up to date with me too even if I see her less; and she's always been lovely to my stepdaughter. 

Starbaby, it's not the same, & you need to feel this anger, but give your mum some time - for adoption applications grandparents need to be involved & it may be the same for foster children - your support network is important for your application. Maybe there is some luiterature they can give you for extended family of foster carers to help her understand this? It will be different from your sisters children, but as a granny figure she could have an important role to play too especially if you do long term fostering. I cans ee that in my nephews, they need all of us, as well as my sister & her DH. 

I think you will get there, if as others say she can see how you feel & you can say what support you need from her - I have come to realise people don't always know. For me it has been many friends I feel let me down, but when i feel forgiving it is clear that they may just not know what to do, after all they;ve never been in this position.

loads of luck with the fostering assessment. And work - go for it - I bet you are a great manager and you know the job already. But make work work for you & work around the fostering you also want to do. 

sending you lots of good vibes - take care - you will get there


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## bEX2010 (Aug 8, 2010)

Star Baby, 

I do really feel for you, Its si unfair taht we can not give love to a baby of our own that we so wish for and then after coming to terms with it and making a desision as difficult as it is have a parent ethier dismiss it or try to put pressure in taking another course of action.I can see what you are doing in brilliant and I wish you all the best wishes in the world ,I do think it makes a specail couple to adopt or foster a child.My Boyfriend of 11 years and I havent come to that choice yet and we after 1 failed Ivf attempt are just trying to relax and hope that something will happen without putting too much pressure on ourselves and infact just last weeek I was convinced that I was pregnant and then finally before taking a pregnancy test bleed like when my IVF failed.

I wish I could tell my mum how I am feeling.. she is the closest thing to a parent I have but I am worried she is going to dismiss it as earlier this year whilst visiting them my stepdad gave me a lecture about going through IVF again and that it wouldnt happen if I didnt, the truth is I am too scared of the heart break if it fails again.

Can I wish you all the best of luck and happiness in whatever happens.

Take care Bex x


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi Nic

Are you okay sweetie?...haven't seen you on here for a while (since your last post) and just wanted to make sure you were okay  especially as i know how upset you were with your mum. Did you manage to talk to her or tell her how you were feeling?

I know your dh will have had his meeting now too. Hope it all went in your favour.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Much love 
Sam xx


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## Mamaji (Jan 21, 2011)

Sorry me me me not been around for a while - life bl***y awful just now!!!!!!

Where to start  I have got two new temporary managers - one works mon-wed and the other thu, fri.  Both are impatient, set unreasonable targets, the one on a thu/fri is classic old style matron management - horrible institutional practice - she wants our elderly residents to all be in the lounge together because "it is easier to toilet them all at once and then take them all to lunch".  She has split mealtimes into two sections "the people who need fed first and then the others".  She is herding residents who prefer to spend quiet time alone in their room into the lounge.  Staff are being given strict routines to follow which are not achievable and are totally task orientated.  Residents are complaining that staff dont have time to spend with them as they are time driven.  It's just gross I avoided working in elderly care for years because I knew managers like these existed- now I am being managed by her and feel sick day in day out watching the institutional practice she is instigating.  When I challenged her about it last week she shouted at me and said "yes it is institutional and I will defend it to anyone who asks"  My practice is person centred, so we are complete opposites and I can see no way how to work with her.  Her answer to me was "I am the manager, you are the deputy you have no choice do as you are told".  Mmmmm all said with pointing fingers, doors being slammed, glaring eyes ...... bullying!  Which of course I start doubting ... blaming it on myself for being more sensitive due to depression... then I think about the reality ... sitting outside work in my car for 10 mins trying to persuade myself to go in .... going in and before I can put my car keys away she is barraging me with everything she thinks I have done wrong.  She has wound me into such a state of anxiety that I have started making mistakes, stupid errors with the rota which she points out with glee and in front of other people!

I tried to have an honest conversation with her last wk telling her that we were awaiting the outcome of disciplinary for my DH, difficulty I have in seeing a hugely pregnant employee every day etc.  Her response was "how do you think I feel?  I am running two care homes and I dont even want to be here"  so supportive ....... not!!  I started speaking to HR manager who supported me whilst I was off sick with depression and she has been great - told me that this woman has had numerous grievances in about her conduct and management style.  Was just about feeling able to take action when DH heard the other day that he has been sacked for gross misconduct and in the letter it mentions neglect and act of omis0sion.  Cue major panic inside me.... if a manager is sacked in Scotland then he will be reported to SSSC and potentially unable to register, as abuse is sited this could affect the fostering application - it clearly states that if any of us are involved in the abuse of adults/children then we would be automatically disqualified from applying.  DH has not abused anyone, he just happens to be the senior manager of a service which failed to administer medication correctly.  He is two layers above the person who made the error and it is him who is sacked for "failure to manage".  His letter says sacked with immediate effect... so no wages at the end of this month..  

My head is completely scrambled, not sleeping, fears he will be unable to get another job, fears the fostering will get stopped.... that any avenue to have a family will be stopped.... that my anxiety will cause me to make mistakes at work and make her bully me further ..... aaaaaaaah         every emotion all at once flying through me .... its too much.  I probably wont be able to afford to get to work!!!!!!  I feel so useless!!!!  DH is wandering around looking empty, the light has gone out in his eyes and I am not doing a good job of hiding my anxiety from him.

DH phoned the fostering agency today to tell them he had been sacked (we told them about the disciplinary in the initial meeting) they are phoning tommorow to see if we are allowed to continue    

I feel like I want to run away ..... and then yesterday I had to sit with the pregnant employee and her union rep discussing how we could support her to stay at work doing light duties for the duration of her pregnancy.  There she is sitting in a tight fitting white t shirt which outlined every single inch of her huge baby bump saying to me "you dont understand how difficult it is to be pregnant" mmmmm yup that's true and I never will get the opportunity ........ "being pregnant and having a family is more important to me than my job but you probably dont care about that" .... if only she knew  .  There I am sitting listening to her .... my eyes catching sight of her baby bump constantly, listening to all her pregnancy complications trying desperately hard not to cry whilst aiming to be a supportive manager coming up with suggestions re work activities that she could do.  Her rep said to me "you seem to really understand how important having a baby is to my client, it is unusual for me to see such genuine empathy"    again if only he knew!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I am a miserable coo its all too much, AF just finished too so hormones everywhere, it's my nieces first birthday this saturday ... no money to buy her a present and dont know if strong enough to even go see her to give her a birthday cuddle .... feel like such a f*** up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Am going to read back and see posts I have missed .... sorry for me me me me me


Sending love to everyone xxxx Nic


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Starbaby    how terrible.

I work in a home for adults with learning dis, i have also been a dep manager, but stepped down cos i was struggling to cope with my job and fertility stuff.

I really feel for you, i would hate to work in a place that had that mentality!  Can you not speak to your managers manager?  that is the natural line of things if you have a complint about her?  I know its going above her and will not make you popular but its in the best interest of the clients you care for.  Whistle blowing is always hard let alone if its on your boss!!

I used to have a manager who was basically useless and pretty much scared of the residents that i care for.  I became so worried taht something big would go wrong one day and that he would not be able to cope with it that i went to his manager and expressed my conserns.  I think i was probably one of meny who did this, he left soon after.  It was very difficult to do but i know i had to do it. But he was not a bully so i guess i was not worried about any comeback.

Have the clients got there own pcps cos i guess with her new rules there not being followed?  that could be another way of flagging up the problems.  xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Kody (Jun 1, 2005)

Hi Nic, so sorry you and your OH are going through these awful situations.  It is so frustrating with comments like "you don't know how dif it is to be preg" - you just want to scream "you have no idea how dif it is to see you preg".  It's hard as it seems being infertile or losing babies or having failed treatments isn't classed as anything you should really be upset about.  Thank heavens for places like this forum. I wish we could all work together, then at least there would be some understanding. 
I am amazed this manager-woman, with so many grievances against her already is still allowed to run 2 homes, especially if she admits she doesn't want to be there.. surely that's grounds enough to move her to a reduced position, one with no responsibility?  But sadly there's not much common sense in companies.
I really hope you get good news today from the agency - will keep fingers crossed for you xxxxxxx


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Oh Nic

I thought it was strange you'd not been on here for a while. I'm so sorry for you huni .

God sweetie where do you start!!!!....

With regards to your manager could you go above her and voice your concerns for her behavoir and how your residents are feeling?...She sounds like a completely selfish and unforgiving person so i wouldn't feel guilty about voicing your concerns...although i'm not familiar with how the care system works so forgive me if i don't have a clue what i'm talking about and  how things work and maybe its not that simple??!!..

Can't believe they have sacked your dh ....That is all you need on top of everything and sooooo unfair too by the sounds of it!!!....Is there anything he can do to change it or is it decision final?...What about the person who actually made the error?...surely he/she should be held accountable?....

And then to have to sit with your pregnant work colleague....you must just think how much more S**T can they throw at me....  

God i don't really know what to say to you huni as this is soo awful and you obviousley feel so completely overwhelmed!!!...If i was going to take a step back and think rationally my advice would be to  try and deal with one problem at a time in whichever order you think is the most important....i know that is probably easier said than done but i think if you try and tackle everything at once it might be too much for you to deal with?..

I know the money thing will be a big worry on top of everyrthing else but i'm sure that he will get a job really soon.. 

With regards to your niece huni do whatever you feel strong enough to do and don't beat yourself up about it...I'm sure she loves seeing her Aunty Nic  but at one she woun't remember in later years that you wern't there if you decide not to go and if you told her in later years why you didn't go she will understand because she loves you .Your sister i'm sure will understand too.

Please don't feel like you are useless because you aren't. You are having to deal all at once with so many things that most people don't deal with in thier lifetime!!...that makes you a very strong and courageous lady!! 

I am thinking of you both huni and   that things change and the future becomes much brighter for you. 

Love always
Sam xxxxx


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