# Arguments with spouse



## jasalice08 (Feb 14, 2010)

Hello there I'm Jasalice. I am new to fertility friends and was wondering whether anybody else is finding things at home with their spouse very strained, difficult, tense due to infertility issues. As if not being able to conceive isn't bad enough...I am going through counselling at the moment but husband doesn't agree with this as a concept - he's a scientist. We've been trying for 15 months and I'm 33 - he's 40. Our close friends have just told us they are 12 weeks pregnant. My sister is Chedza- she's on  here and has been through IVF reccently- and had a beautiful baby girl...
Need to talk to people who understand about the stress in our marriage due to this issue- I can't seem to work things out.


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## Griffo78 (Feb 10, 2010)

Hi Jasalice.  I think it's quite normal to go through this with your other half.  This situation is a real test on any relationship however strong.

I have been ttc a little longer then you (17 months).  Towards one year of ttc I used to get a little down & disappointed when AF came and DH used to just say "here we go again dooms day" & I felt he didn't really understand.  Since about September this has got me more & more down and have recently been going through some depression.  I think DH finally understands because he is now worried and disappointed each month.

Does your spouse speak much about this?  Infertility is a touchy issue & it's difficult to talk about.  Do you speak about it with other people?  I found because we have kept this mostly to ourselves it has put strain on us and also our relationships with friends and family.

Have you been to see your GP yet?

I hope you work things out, because you need each other to get through this.  Good luck


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## jasalice08 (Feb 14, 2010)

Hi - thanks so much for your response- you know what it's helpful just to know other people are in same boat!!
Your partner sounds just like mine- about his comment around the time of the month! 
We  have talked to friends and family as my sister has gone through IVF recently. This certainly helps me but I'm not sure about him. 
I think he feels threatened by others knowing- like his verility is in question.
We have been to the doctor who has sent me for Hycosy at Hospital NHS- checking my tubes- this keeps getting put back - which isn't helping- counsultant cancelled as she wanted Leave.
Anyway - not to ramble- thanks xx Have you been for any checks? How do feel about going for any treatment or are you not at that stage yet- your only 31...


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## Griffo78 (Feb 10, 2010)

Yes I've had blood tests, ultra sound (privately) and DH has had a semen analysis.  No problems found.  It has been a bit of a ball ache getting a referral to my local hospital, the NHS waiting list is now 4 months (only found out today) so I've just gone private as just getting very impatient by it all & so is DH now.  My GP did not send me to the hospital for a hycosy-that's all I want to check my tubes.

If I need treatment I just want it done ASAP and we'll pay.  I am nearly 32, but DH is 38 this year.  I did want 3 children, but looks like that won't be happening.  I am definetly prepared to go through it.  How about you?

It's good that at least your sister will be able to understand your issues having been there herself.  I have nobody that really understands, DH tries his best but I don't think he'll ever be able to understand the pain & emptiness.  I don't have a close relationship with my parents haven't told them.  I told a few friends about this, but a lot of them have babies now so it's a bit awkward & they all seemed to have conceived very quickly.  All of DH's friends have a family now and to be honest some of them have been pretty vile to him.  To be fair they don't know anything, but I think it's a bit obvious there might be a problem when they make their insensitive comments and DH gets touchy!


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Griffo 78 and Jasalice08

Welcome to ff.  I think that everyone on ff can understand where your both coming from.  IF problems put a huge strain on any relationship.  I have found my relationships have changed with near enough everyone and its not really them its me! 

You have to remember when you start on this journey things are very intense and difficult you are both still trying to get your head around things which i know from experience is very hard.  I have been having fertility issues for about 3 and a half years and even though life is still tough it is more manageable.  I think it takes a lot longer for men to start getting worried about IF issues then woman.  My dh and i have had some difficulties meeting in the middle regarding IF issues, but this is to be expected.  I just take it with a pinch of salt as i know he may say a lot less about it then me but its still very important to him and he is always there for me when it really counts.

I am by no means an expert but if i can help at all then please let me know.

xxxxxxxxxx


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## Tish79 (Feb 10, 2010)

hi Jallise..im fairly new on here but I can relate to how you are feeling. My Oh and I got married 2 years ago and started trying straight away. The prospect of starting a family was exciting at first but that excitement was short lived so I guess the last 2 years have been an emotional rollercoaster and it feels as though the strength our marriage is constantly being tested...particularly when AF arrives!!!


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Jasalice and welcome to Fertility Friends 

I'm sorry to hear that you are having problems, bith in trying to conceive and with your husband   You'll get lots of support around the boards so keep posting  There's also a mens room on FF for the lads to chat, not sure whether if you dropped it in on a conversation he's take you up on the offer though? Maybe worth a try hun  If he could talk to someone going through similar probs, not having the daunting feeling of having to see them face to face, he might just give it a go  I hope so 
Please have a good look around the boards, feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home. Fertility Friends is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too (add them to your buddy list in your profile!), lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping or even nights out! You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other. It's hard when family and friends don't fully comprehend what this journey entails and the emotions that go with it. That's where we come in!

Here are some links which you should find really useful at the moment&#8230;&#8230;

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Peer Support (for asking fertility and treatment related questions of your fellow FFers) ~ * CLICK HERE

*The Mens Room ~ *CLICK HERE

*Starting out & Diagnosis ~ *CLICK HERE

*Investigations & Immunology ~ *CLICK HERE

*Complimentary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ *CLICK HERE 

*Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply) *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!

Wishing you lots of luck    and 
Keep in touch
Ceri xx

PS I have also sent you a pm (private message)


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## jasalice08 (Feb 14, 2010)

Just to say thanks for telling me a little about your stories.  It helps. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for us all...
It's interesting that you start your journey feeling so excited - by now it's the inevitable, don't get your hopes up type thing every month. I feel like not conceiving is like a punishment for something I did wrong in a former life...it's soooo tricky being at work with people telling you they're pregnant- and they weren't even bothered! I envy their excitement and obliviousness about how lucky they are. 
My close friend just told me she's preggers too-   I feel so stupid as I have been moaning to her about not being pregnant - all the while she was sitting there she was pregnant-  .Her partner is about 8 years younger than mine, she's the same age. DH feels gutted too. 
I'm just getting used to this site so forgive me if I've got it wrong- not sure quite how to reply to individuals...in the meantime my hopes and dreams for children are fading and like others- I always wanted 2 or 3 - now I'll be lucky if we have one... Life sucks!!


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## Bribby (Jan 16, 2010)

Jasalice,

I totally agree with all that you have said. I do think it is harder for men to open up about their feelings. I know my DH thought this whole IF would just sort itself out somehow. It puts a real strain on any relationship. We have just had our first cycle of ICSI with a   I felt as if i needed to see the counsellor my DH not too sure, as it was we got a lot off our chests and booking another appointment.

As for friends, all of my good friends seem to be pregnant!! again!! Some choose to ignore us (feel uncomfortable i guess) but that is quite upsetting too.

I too feel like life is unfair and that this is punishment for something i have done in a former life...silly isn't it!

Well hope your treatment goes well, thinking of you

Bribby


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## Smiffles06 (Feb 14, 2010)

Hi Hun,

Sending you hugs  cause i know where you are coming from.

I think it's difficult for DH's to understand.  I am on my second cycle of clomid, I am all over the place with hormones if I'm not crying then I'm screaming at the top of my lungs this is just not me at all I feel like DH doesnt take into account the changes that are happening to my body.  I am currently having follicle scans so the hospital are able to advise us the best time to have BMS, DH says he feels like a performing monkey this in turn makes me feel guilty and like I am a bad person.  I also get the unhelpful comments when AF arrives 

I think that communication is the key but who knows sometimes it's better not to know how my DH feels.  Who knows   Its all so difficult at times.

Wishing you the best of luck with your treatment.


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I have been through the whole lot in the last 10 years!!!

We started trying in September 2000. My DH had a son previously so there was no way it was him!
We tried, took morning temperature charts and tried, nothing happened.

Job moves, redundancy, house moves and various other problems stopped us seeking help. But there was a tension under everything about why I was not getting pregnant.
We finally went to the doc and had some tests. I was ovulating, which I already knew from my temperature chart, but DH had not a single sperm.

Oh my goodness, melt down.
We went to see a consultant who told us they would test his hormones and my tubes. Turned out my tubes were also blocked, and was told I was a good candidate for IVF, but we would need donor sperm.

He was not having any of it and went into deep depression saying and doing everything he could to avoid facing it. We tried counselling. He was so resistant. I felt in no mans land. All he wanted me to do was give up on having a baby, despite the fact that I had afforded him the favour of looking after his child all my married life. I was in dispair.
Eventually he told me to leave if I wanted a baby. So left with no choice, as it was my life long aim, I did. I moved into the next room and started divorce procedings. Strangely, he found out that I was arranging donor IVF alone and he decided to come to my first clinic visit. But then we were still separated at home - it was misery.

Then after 3 months, and after he had finally spoken to a couple of close friends - in 8 years by then he had not spoken to anyone about it, they all said I was a really nice girl and although they did not know how they would feel in the same situation, they wouldn't give up on the marriage - he finally said he wanted to try again and support me with donor IVF.

Men cannot handle the intense emotions, feelings and threat this brings. They would rather bury their heads in the sand and hope it all goes away. If you persist, they have to face up to things, and that can be hard. They can't fix the problem and have to go into a cave to think. 

I fully sympathise with how difficult it is. Don't give up with your goal, and don't wait as long as I did to sort it out.


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## zuri1 (Feb 8, 2010)

Hi there,
It is really difficult when the only person you are closest to does not seem to be supportive or understanding.I want to go through my second IVF DH has zero sperm and my tubes are blocked.DH was supportive during the first IVF which did not work but this time he says he is not ready to be a father I just turned 35.He says he will support me and the baby but he will not be the father and that really hurts.
I will go ahead with the  IVF but I have some tough decisions to make soon. It is amazing how this issue can wreck the best relationship .
You are not alone be strong I am praying everything works for you
Big HUG


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