# How do I respond to questions?



## Gypsy Moon

Hiya, We are about to start our second ICSI cycle.  We told quite a few people about our first cycle, because we thought it would mean we had support, but the constant questions were hard to deal with (although they were meant with the best intentions).  Some even joked about hormones and feeling emotional, which was funny at the beginning but began to get to me after a while.  It was also hard to tell everyone when we got our BFN.  This time we want to do it differently and tell the least amount of people as possible.  Our parents know, along with my best friend, but I don't want to tell anyone else.  Although I think I might need to tell work because I will have to swap shifts for some of my appointments and explain when I need time off for EC and ET.  My main issues are how I respond to questions relating to attempting IVF again, and how do I explain at work, as we are short staffed and I have already had to tell them that I am not prepared to work so many additional hours at the moment whilst the next cycle is imminent.  I cannot book holiday for EC and ET as it will take place early December (all going well) and I am not allowed to take holiday in December.  Just wondered what other's thoughts are on the matter.


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## Berries

Hi Gypsy Moon

Sorry to hear about your BFN    I really hope this time is different for you.  It's difficult on what to say to people isn't it?  I don't think I really have any answers for you accept to say I'm going through similar thoughts.  I've decided to try to take some time off work for our 1st ICSI in Dec/Jan time.  Although I have told my boss why (to explain why I need time off) I don't want others at work to know - but I don't know how to explain why I'm having time off when I shouldn't!  I can imagine all the jibe remarks about taking time off for a good holiday leaving the rest of them etc.  I'm trying to come up with a line of what to say but not quite sure yet - I tempted to go along the line of needing a minor operation (which is true for EC) and leave it at that.

Sorry can't be of more help.  I think you need to do what works for you.  
Bx


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## liggsy

Gypsy Moon, Hi hun, we were on cycle buddies thread from last tx   
It is a tough one, we only told my parents and 1 friend last time, its much better, i hate lying to people but i couldnt face all the questions like the 1st time when more people knew. I did dell my boss the truth as he is very understanding, but i told everyone else that i was having an operation for ovarian cysts, not too much of a lie really   , it was a good story to cover all the apts and scans. 
As for people outside of work, its none of their business at all, maybe you could just tell them your having few tests done or something? antibiotics is always a good reason for not drinking too. It is hard hun but you have to do whats best for you, never mind anyone else.   
wishing you loads of luck for your next cycle hun xxx


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## jenni01

Hi Gypsymoon..
I think it's a difficult one when it comes to telling people, they seem to think that IVF/ICSI/IUI, all come with some kind of guarantee that it will work!!
I got sick of the "why did'nt it work?" questions when it didn't work for me, if we had the answers we would be rich!!
All i can say is concentrate on you and your treatment, that is the important thing!, plus i don't no what kind of job you are in but if you are in a union is it worth asking about your rights? if not maybe ask Citizens Advice?!..sorry if i haven't helped much hun..
But i do wish you well in your treatment  
jen.x


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## cosmicgirl

Hi GM, another old cycle buddy here   

We hardly told anyone for our first cycle, I told my 2 closest friends and DH told his brother (who then told a few other people grrr   ) and it was easier that way...although agree with Jenni that they all seemed to think IVF = guaranteed baby.  We told a couple of other friends after our BFN as I wasn't in the right frame of mind to attend certain events and decided to be honest - big mistake, I had the questions about why it didn't work and worse one decided to share their wisdom on why it might have failed...and why it might never work   

I'm self employed but when DH needed time off work to attend with me he told them I was going in hospital for an operation and when he was needed for ET he told them I had a follow up appointment and wasn't allowed to drive.  I think if I was in your position GM and I'd use the minor op excuse for work and if any nosy colleagues ask just tell them it's gyno related and a bit embarrassing...that should stop them asking further questions.

As for friends we're not telling anyone this time, the one's who knew about last time know we'll be trying again soon but I've been vague about the dates and will leave it that way.  It might be harder for you cycling in December but we've already got some excuses for not going out such as being broke after xmas and tummy bugs.

Good luck for your next tx


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## Gypsy Moon

Hello Everyone,


Great to hear from those who cycled with me before.  Hope you are all keeping well.


I feel as though I am in a right mess.  Work know roughly when I will be cycling, that's the problem.  I told them that I would be taking the IVF drugs in November because they were asking me to cover a lot of extra hours which I didn't want to do as I get tired enough on my normal hours.  They don't know the exact dates, as I hadn't had my schedule at that point.


I start the drugs a week Tuesday.  The counsellor I go to see provided me with a "fit to work" note stating that they advised I stuck to my normal hours.  Which work have now accepted.  It's proving difficult at work, as it means we are understaffed due to another colleague leaving but I need to look after my health.  The note runs until the last full week in November, at that point the situation will be reviewed.  My expected week of EC is the 6 December.  I'm okay fitting in most of my appointments outside of my scheduled hours, but the scan prior to EC falls on a Friday morning and I am down to work that morning, and then I need to say something to get time off for EC and ET.  I am not allowed to book holidays in December.


Then there's the Christmas Party.  Attendance is expected and I just know I won't feel like it as I will either still be injecting or doing the pessaries and last time all I wanted to do was stay at home with my DH and our dog.


Anyone else that asks will just be told that I will know more at the beginning of next year.


Why can't we just hibernate??


Gypsy
xxxx


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## cosmicgirl

Oh hun you really don't need all that stress at the moment do you   

Easier said than done but don't feel guilty about leaving them short staffed, it's not your fault someone left and (by the sounds of it) they haven't replaced them yet.  You're right your health IS more important!

Would you be able to just get signed off sick for the EC/ET week or do you think work would be really funny about it...although can't see that they can do much about it if you've got a doctors note?


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## jenni01

Hi Gypsy!!
Sorry that you ahven't got any further with your work situation hun!
We are kind of going through the same thing!..my DH's work are acting as if he's commiting some kind of crime by coming with me!! and I definately need him on the EC day!!
It's frustrating, if we could all get pregnant the easy way do they really think we would put ourselves through all this emotional and physical torture!! 
Oh sorry about the little rant!!
But I do hope that you get something sorted out hun, and at least it looks like you have some friends from on here before!! so they will be there for you..x 
I hope all goes well for you...jen..x


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## MrsPootle

Hi Gypsy Moon,

Glad you are feeling a bit better post the last cycle  - I'm still "recovering" from the BFN!

Regards telling people, last time, like you, I told everyone about the IVF bar work - but I think my next cycle will be a smaller audience.  But, at work, I just told people I was absent for tests and a minor operation.  I was really lucky DH didn't get any hassle.  Anyone who asked (and I work with men) I just told them it was "womens stuff" which did the trick.

I'm likely not to tell all my friends - it was too hard dealing with people asking/advising about why it didn't work.  Worse is, some of these people are either pregnant NOW or on their second.  It's hard to take, and other seem to think IVF is as simple as having a cup of tea.  Which of course, us girls know it's not the case!

Anyway, wishing you lots of luck for the second go - you are doing ABSOLUTELY the right thing putting yourself first.

Lots of love
MrsP
x


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## Gypsy Moon

Good morning!  Well I had to tell my boss yesterday.  She was talking about booking a Christmas event, and we are having to fund the majority of the costs ourselves.  My EC is planned week commencing 6th December, and I just know that that week will be a no no, and that I won't want to go out during the 2ww.  She asked when I was going to be starting the drugs and I couldn't lie, I said next week.  I also said that I didn't want to commit to the event as I would either still be injecting, going through EC and ET or dealing with pessaries.  She seemed to understand, but immediately told a male colleague that I wasn't going to the Christmas party because I was starting my treatment.  My DH has been told that it's going to be difficult for them to allow him time off in December.  I'm okay for ET because my FIL can take me, but as DH told his boss, he really needs to be there for EC as it's no good sending his dad having had the snip!  Why is life never simple.....  Have a good day everyone, Gypsy xxxx


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## Gypsy Moon

Mrs Pootle - I hope you are beginning to feel stronger.  It can take a while, but we do get there in the end.


I am due to start D/R tomorrow.  Unfortunately, they haven't listened really to what I said and have gone ahead and booked the Christmas event including me.  I am now beginning to feel pressurised into going to the event   .


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## liggsy

Gypsy, i cant beleive they are making you feel like you have to go to the xmas do, its just not on at all. They sound like a right bunch of   ! you just do what is best for you hun, take no notice of work, they are just making this more difficult for you, its bloody stressful enough withougt all this added pressure


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## MrsPootle

Gipsy - I agree with Liggsy - what a bunch of....  that's outrageous.  Stand your ground - I just wouldn't go!  You have the best reason in the world!  I'm getting better, step by step, been signed off work until 18th November, and already, 2 days down the road, I am feeling much better and getting some perspective on things (whatever that is)...!
Anyway, sounds like you need some lovely      ,
Wishing you all the best for the next round of treatment xxx


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## MissBabs

Hi all, just read this thread and wanted to send    to you gypsy.

We're in a similar situation, for our first tx i told a few people at work and several friends & family and it just made things worse when we got our BFN.  It felt like all the disappointment we felt multiplied by the number of people we also felt we'd let down.  So, this time around i'm only going to tell my immediate boss (who authorises my annual leave) & our immediate family, that's it.  At the end of the day it's nobody else's business and we have to do what's best for us.

Regading the xmas do, i know how difficult it is to try and tactfully decline without telling anyone why.  All i can say is try not to feel pressurised into going if you really don't think you'll feel up to it.  At the end of the day, if you were poorly (heaven forbid) then you wouldn't be able to attend, so they have no right to make you feel like you're obliged.  Do what you feel is best for you & your other half, and your emby's my lovely.

Wishing you all the best for your tx & take care

Miss Babs x


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## katie_m

Hi Gypsy

Have you tried speaking to your human resources or occupational health teams about your time off in December?  My new employer has a specific policy for IVF cycles - as long as you give enough notice you're allowed to take time off for IVF cycles and it counts as 50% sick leave and 50% annual leave (or unpaid leave if you've run out).  I was very surprised and would never have known about it if I hadn't asked.

If they are being difficult you could get legal advice.  Perhaps start with the Work Issues section on this site - I think you have to ask the administrators to give you access to the section.  Alternatively you could pay for a fixed-fee consultation with an employment law solicitor or barrister.  Article 12 of the European Convention on Human Rights gives us the right to found a family and there may be other British or European Law which could help you.

Other organisations may also be able to help, for example London Deanery provides temporary flexible training funding to cover trainee doctors who are having IVF cycles.

I really don't think other people have any idea of the physical and emotional stress we go through on an IVF cycle and you have to stand your ground.  On my first cycle my previous employer didn't even allow me to swap out of a week of night shifts during my 2WW!!  I was too scared of being thought of as a non team-player to go over his head to human resources.  £7,000 and two months of my final few months of fertility down the drain!  I vowed I would never let my employer interfere with an IVF cycle again.

And forget the Christmas Party!!  For now your treatment is the most important thing in your life and you have to give it 100%. 

Katie


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## Gypsy Moon

Good Morning.


Unfortunately our Company doesn't have a IVF policy, so I have to take leave as annual leave or unpaid leave, unless I am signed off I guess.


I am still worried about the Christmas Party but I just know I won't be able to attending because I am really struggling at the moment.  Not sure whether it is the drugs, or whether I am actually suffering from stress/depression.  Having real trouble sleeping, hence making me really tired.  Being over emotional about things (broke down at work yesterday when a customer said something sarcastic to me), feeling sick and now have a tension headache.  On top of this a colleague (who I share hours with) has resigned and will be due to leave just before my EC.  This means I'm going to be running round like a headless chicken all through December and beyond (until they recruit and they have never recruited fast before) trying to get all the jobs done.  On top of that I will be expected to pick up the extra hours.  Doesn't bode well for me relaxing during the EC, ET and 2ww period does it   .  I've been crying in the morning and evenings because I really don't want to be at work at the moment and just want to stay at home with my dog, and now I think it's going to be even worse.



I hope everyone else is coping better than I am.  Never mind.  I have the weekend off, so I'm going to try to relax a little.


Gypsy Moon
xxxx


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## katie_m

Hey Gypsy, that is dreadful.  I think you should see your GP and get signed off sick.  I know lots of people whose GPs have done that for them.  You're never going to be stress-free enough for the EC/ET/2WW otherwise.  The company will just have to cope.  Katie


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## MrsPootle

Hi Gypsy Moon,
Sorry to hear you haven't been having a good time.  I'd deffo go to the docs and get yourself signed off - I did that a few weeks ago, as I was feeling weepy, tired, not sleeping and had lots of little ailments.  I'm now feeling better 3 weeks on, not cured, but my weepy sessions are much less frequent.  You have to put yourself first, and frankly work can go sling!
I went back to work this week (Thursday) and managed to get a secondment for the next 12 months which means I won't be quite as pivotal (=stressed) within our team.  I know this is the right thing to do, as I plan a 2nd cycle March/April next year.  I've also applied for another job outside of my company - which, if I got, prob would delay the 2nd cycle until June, but we shall see.  It was difficult leaving my old job - but seeing that it was split between 3 people made me realise I've been struggling with it for too long.  Now I have a massive project to deliver but with no people management or juggling, and for that I have to be thankful.
I went to HR to see if they had an IVF policy - they didn't have anything written down officially, but had decided that prior to ET it was classed as standard sick leave, post as pregnancy-related illness.  I believe, if you surf the internet, you will see articles that relate to a case where an employee took her employers to court over dismissing her due to her IVF treatment.  This has resulted in most companies realising that, unless they are very careful, they could find themselves sued.  The best practice guidelines is as I mentioned - post ET they *should* treat you as pregnant.  And of course, HR generously offered me unpaid leave - how kind  
But, the other thing I learned was that one of the HR staff was regarded as the IVF official, in that she had dealt with all the IVF cases in my company.  I didn't take her up on it, but it was support post-IVF should I have needed it.  The only reason I didn't is that I m getting help from so many places, I didn't want to add another!! 
Anyway, that's what I learned from a bit of googling, and I checked it out with the HR department and they seemed to agree.  Not that it was any use to me, other than, my absence post-ET means they can't use it as a trigger point for disciplinary action.
Anyway, lots of love, really feel for you - it's so tough doing this, but we will get there in the end  
Love
MrsP
x


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## Gypsy Moon

MrsP,


Thanks for your post.  How are you getting on?  How is work now.  I'm still having good and bad days.  I sometimes worry that I have started my second cycle too soon, but I'm worried that time is running out for me.



Just come back from a walk with my dog in floods of tears.  She has a tendancy to bark at other dogs (long story, she is a rescue dog and wasn't given the chance to socialise with other dogs for the first nine years of her life).  We met another woman whose dog liked to bark and that started Lucy off.  Some woman lent out of the window and shouted at me about waking her up.  I know the woman, she comes into our branch a lot.  I said sorry, but for some reason as soon as I got round the corner and burst into tears and cried all the way home.  I still feel really tearful now   .  I have to go for my DR blood test tomorrow morning at 9am.  I hope I have DR'ed and haven't developed another cyst.  Just not feeling very positive at the moment and feel so tired.  Wonder if I've got the strength to carry on with the cycle.  Work and not knowing what sort of atmosphere there is going to be when I get into work is just wearing me out.  Feels like I am treading on egg shells all the time.  Doesn't help that my shift patterns changed twice last week.  Don't know whether I am coming or going, and when I get into work I just have so many things to do, as well as serving customers that I am fretting about getting everything done.  The work can't be passed onto anyone else because there isn't anyone else!  I have a counselling session at my GP practice on Thursday so will have someone impartial to talk to about this.  Feeling so uptight and sick all the time.


Gypsy
xxx


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## Jenny74

Hi All
Sorry to but in, I had a few problems with my employer over time off.  They made me arrange my own cover, which I said that if I had just phoned in sick I wouldn't have to do and I was trying to be upfront and honest with them by giving them some notice.

They also said HR had said that I could have the time off as unpaid leave as it was my "choice" to have IVF.  At this point I'm afriad I lost a bit and was not so nice about the time off.  I stated that it couldn't be further from my choice, I would much rather get pregnant the normal way, thanks very much.  Also as soon as that fertilised embryo was back inside me then I was pregnant so actually the absence is pregnancy related and couldn't be held against me. ( They have already put me on a health and wellbeing procedure)
My immediate boss said put like that she could see where I was coming from and then spoke to her boss who said absolutely.  So as long as I could provide a sick note it would go down as pregnancy related and not held against me.

As it happens I got my BFP this time and they are now falling over backwards to make sure I am OK and is there anything they can do for me.

The moral of this story is stand your ground and don't let anyone make you feel guilty or stressed as this is the last thing you need.

Good luck to all of you


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## MrsPootle

Aw, Gypsy Moon   

I'm not doing bad thanks - the weepiness is beginning to subside and I'm starting to feel better about myself, my chances of ever conceiving and the idea of a second cycle.  I know what you mean about feeling as if you are up against time - I'm still feeling a certain pressure to just, er, get on with it, but it's not that easy is it? 

Your reaction to the walk with your dog sounds natural to me, given the circumstances.  You have to remember that DR isn't easy, you will be, as I called myself, a "hotbed of hormones" plus the other work stuff will also make you overemotional.  I bumped my car 2-3 weeks ago, and it was VERY minor, but that didn't stop me feeling as though my world had fell in, shaking like a leaf and bursting into tears on the man in the sandwich shop some 5 minutes later.

I know it's easy to say, but try to get some me time, be kind to yourself, congratulate yourself on getting this far.  You really shouldn't beat yourself up about this.

How did the counselling session go?  I've got one lined up next week - I'm going to see if I can break off from it for a month, then see how I am.  Feel ready to begin to move on.  And, after a truly gruelling 2010 I'm determined to enjoy December, then back on the treadmill for IVF #2.  Please god let it be a BFP at the end of it.... 

Really feel for you at the moment, but remember you are doing really well in a difficult situation - try to keep that pma.

x


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## Gypsy Moon

Thanks MrsPootle, How did your counselling session go this week?  I had a review with mine on Thursday, and in conjunction with my doctor they have decided I needed to be signed off work.  The doctor said that I need to give the IVF 100% of my time and attention, and that I don't need any other hassles in my life at this current time.  Didn't go down very well at all when I told work.  Really scared about going back, my certificate covers me for three weeks and I have to have another review with my counsellor before they agree I can go back.  It's nice to know that I have their support, especially after a few things that was said to me at work this week which made me realise that they don't really understand what I am going through/feeling.  The comments caused me additional stress and I just burst into tears when I got home.  I feel sorry for my DH as he has to put up me being so upset about work all the time.  Anyway, went for my Day 9 scan yesterday, and although I have responded better this time, they are a little small, so have to continue with the drugs and go back for another scan on Monday.  Honestly feel it's a good idea that I'm not in work as I would be totally stressed by now as they don't like me giving late notice and I would have to find someone to swap my shift with.  I am contemplating whether, if this cycle fails and I    it doesn't, but if it does, whether I should resign from my part-time job to concentrate on my next cycle  .  Just don't know what to do at the moment.  Gypsy xxxx


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## Gypsy Moon

Jenny, Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I suppose everyone has their differing views with regards to IVF.  I know some companies even have policies to cover leave for treatment but like you, unfortunately, my company doesn't and I have to take it as unpaid leave or holiday.  I took it as unpaid leave in my last cycle, but was working additional hours at the time so the overtime helped to cover the shortfall in wages.  Was going to do the same this time, until Thursday when my GP practice signed me off.  I have been honest with work from the beginning and everyone knows I am going through treatment.  This cycle has been a bit harder because we are short staffed and everyone is feeling the pressure.  Congratulations on your BFP.  Gypsy xxx


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