# Making the right decision! More tests, surrogacy or adoption



## AngelFB (May 11, 2016)

Hi Ladies, I am new to the group and have been overwhelmed with the dedication and courage of some of the stories I am reading. I too am struggling with the latest set back in our quest to become parents. My husband and I are happily married and found out we were pregnant 6 years ago just before our wedding. After losing the pregnancy at 23 weeks we were devastated. We have been trying to conceive for 6 yrs and under going Fertility treatment for 4 yrs. Our first IVF circle in 2012 was unsuccessful and I bled in the first week of the TWW. 

After further gynecological problems I had surgery early 2013 which led to an infection causing me to need further surgery to remove my right ovary and tube and tie my left tube. After more tests then revealed my egg store was depleted we decided to use a donor. we were elated to have to 5 day blastocysts one of which was transferred May 2015, unfortunately more bad news BFN. 

Our last embryo was transferred Feb of this year. 2WW was unbearable only to find we were pregnant!!!  We had a scan at 6W3D all good! Scan 7W 3D still good baby growing well. I had a private scan at 10 weeks and some spotting a few days before!   Scan revealed a missed miscarriage at 7W 4D. Can't believe it! I am reading so many stories of ladies who have lost babies later in their pregnancies and still continue to fight on.  We now have no more embryos left and My husband has decided he does not want to try again. 

I am an emotional wreck, however, with each day it gets a little easier and reading some of your stories, I know that we have been luckier than some. I am having counseling and  have been back to see the consultant about what further IVF would involve, tests, costs. It is so hard because there are no guarantees, the fear of all the heartache I don't know whether I need to close that door now and begin to make plans for a different future, surrogacy, adoption? I have shared my feelings with my husband and obviously we need to reach a decision together. information about ladies who have reached a similar point would help me, how are you finding your partners are coping with the endless heartbreak? has anyone gone on to have tests? which ones? and been successful? I would also like to know more about surrogacy and adoption if anyone can help.


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## Nic1512 (May 9, 2011)

Hi, I thought I would share my experience with you. I used FF lots for information during out TTC journey but never posted often. My husband and I had been TTC for 5 years with absolutely no luck before we decided to move on. We have both always been on the same page and said from the beginning we would do 3 attempts at IVF and then move on. At the time I had no idea how low the success rates for IVF were and were told at our age it should work - that was definitely not true!! We paid for two private cycles of IVF and had one on the NHS, they were a disaster. I was diagnosed with a poor ovarian reserve and basically told egg donation would be the only way forward. 

It was at this point that we both started to consider what next, we both wanted a family and decided that having our own biological child wasn't that important anymore. We wanted to experience nurturing and loving a child and have the family we had wanted for so long. We decided to look at adoption. The process has taken us a long time due to life complications, moving house etc but after 8 years of TTC we now have a perfect family. 

The most important thing is to be in this together, we have always been open and honest. Shared all the pain and worries and a stronger couple as a result. We made the decision to move forward with adoption together and it Was the right thing for us. We adopted our DD at 8 months old and she is the most perfect child I could have hoped for, I love her more than I ever thought possible. I just wish we had moved forward sooner. 

I hope that you and your partner can decide what to do next together and you have the family you long for. If you have any questions feel free to ask x


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## AngelFB (May 11, 2016)

Hi Nic1512,
Thanks so much for taking the time to tell me about your experience. I suppose you need to reach a cross roads before you know how you truly feel. We certainly are at across roads. I have looked into adoption and it seems to be my husbands preferred choice although he is having some time to think about our options before we move forward in any direction. I think like you we could be very happy just to be a family and making a child's world complete has a really positive side to it. We only lost the pregnancy in April so it is early days and I think I like to have all the information to make an informed decision. I just don't want to take my husband down a uncertain road again with more heartache, maybe it is time to let go and move on to a more hopeful and bright path of adoption?? How did you find the process? Is it quite intrusive? Thanks AngelFB


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## Nic1512 (May 9, 2011)

For us, adoption was the only choice in the end. I had decided I did not want any further treatment and luckily my husband felt the same. It is not any easy decision and we waited about 8 months after treatment before we made enquiries about adoption. You absolutely need to feel 100% ready before you decide to close the door on having biological children, for me 3 lots of IVF was enough, other people would have given up sooner and some may have tried even more. Each local authority and voluntary agency holds adoption open evenings where you can go and find out a little more about how the process works. We found these really interesting but at the same time quite scary! 

The process itself was not as intrusive as you would imagine. We had 8 sessions with our Social worker (she was lovely) where we discussed our childhoods, relationship, education etc. Our backgrounds are quite straightforward, we both had happy childhoods, good relationships with our family and no previous serious relationships therefore it was relatively simple. We had some training sessions as part of the process that were really helpful as well, these covered some trauma the children may have experienced and techniques to parent adopted children. From starting the process to our panel date it was just under 6 months. We were originally considering siblings and were approved for two children however we were matched with our DD 5 months after approval. We had been told we would wait a long time for a younger child however the 5 months went by so quickly. We were approached about other children before we found our daughter however we were not the right parents for them so did not pursue these.

There are some diaries in the adoption area of the forum and lots of chats from people currently going through the process which you may find helpful. 

I can remember how sad and lost I felt before we finally felt ready to move on. Take time to heal first, I wish you lots of luck in whatever path you choose xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi AngelFB,
We like Nici also said from the start that we would only do 3 Ivf cycles. We knew we didn't want to be making decisions about carrying on when we'd started Ivf and we equally didn't want to be one of those couples that just never give up. We had the 3 cycles all unsuccessful and it was after the second cycle we already knew the third would fail and we started to talk about adoption. We had our 3rd cycle and it failed as expected so we knew it was time to move on. I have to say by that point I just wanted it out the way as we seriously considered not going the 3rd. We'd been ttc for 6 years and we knew it had affected us but it wasn't until we started our adoption journey that we realised just how much. I'd become so negative and pessimistic, we'd lost friends along the way because we couldn't handle them getting pregnant and having families whilst it was so raw for us.
One of the main things that helped us decide was doing a list of the things we would never have by not having a biological child, we then looked at the list again to see what of the list we still had as an adoptive parent. The differences were small and to be honest would be even smaller for you as you have been pregnant, you have had that positive test etc. It showed us that what we really wanted was a family and ultimately losing things like a positive pregnancy test etc seemed so small in comparison to what we'd be losing if we had no child at all. We would still hopefully get to see their first day at school, their first nativity play, and so much more.
As it turned out we applied in March 2014 and were linked with our little boy in August a month before we were approved. He came home to us aged exactly 6 months a week before Christmas that same year. Ironically 40 weeks from us applying to adopt! 
He has brought the most incredible amount if joy to our lives and we have absolutely no regrets at all. I can't even imagine being pregnant or giving birth now as it just doesn't matter. There will always be a fleeting moment of sadness when someone announces a pregnancy but it goes as quickly as it comes because we just couldn't have wished for anything more.
We didn't find the process intrusive as we're both very open people and talk to anyone about anything, I think if you're a very private person it could be more difficult.
Good luck in whatever route you choose, the most important thing is to take time to grieve your latest loss and properly decide where you want to head.


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## itsonlybridge (Oct 29, 2014)

AngelF I just wanted to say that reading your story was very much like reading my own and we are now at a very similar crossroads with deciding where to go with our journey next.

After 12 years of trying to conceive naturally with 3 mc, we then had a failed IVF. We decided to pay for extensive testing and discovered I have high levels of killer cell and my body was also rejecting DH genes. We began a cycle with relevant treatments in April this year and got a BFP in June, so overjoyed! An early scan at 7 weeks showed 2 heart beats, twins! A second scan at 8 weeks and hearts still beating away,. We thought all our dreams were coming true.. Then on Tuesday this week at our 10 week scan they couldn't find either of the twins heart beats which we really weren't ready for... It's just devastated us beyond belief and feels the roster of all the losses, maybe partially because it's an accumulation of them all. Like you though, I am grateful that this didn't happen in the later stages as I've read happened to many women on here who then had to go on to give birth to their still little angels, there are just no words for that.

We don't currently feel that we can emotionally go through this utter heart break again and we have touched on the subject of adoption. I am yet to have my miscarriage induced on Monday so we have to get through this difficult time first and when things aren't so raw we we will discuss the options. 

You are not on your own gong though this and it's been good for me to know this too, there is huge support on here from women going through the same thing. 

Ladies, thank you all for sharing your adoption stores, it has bought me a little peace today when I needed something to get me through a low period. It is lovely to hear your positive comments about the process too. 

Sending you all much love xx


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## AngelFB (May 11, 2016)

Hi Ladies, thanks for your replies. I've spent the last few weeks busy with work, counselling and thinking about where to go next. So sorry to hear of your loss itsonlybridget.  I know it so hard now but it does get better with time. Your emotions will be all over the place and your right once you are in a better place you will know what is right for you to do next. We are looking at tests to see if there is any underlying problems and I won't make any decisions about trying again until I have all the information. I hope you both can find some hope in whatever you do next. That was the hardest thing for me I felt that all hope was gone. But I feel better every day and hearing so many courageous stories of hope and love helps too. It's sometimes hard to see the positives but I'm so greatful  for my family and my wonderful husband one day at a time is all we can do.

Wishing you all happier times x


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## DP2004 (Jan 21, 2017)

Hi Angel I wondered what you had decided to do? X


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