# Failed IVF is/has broken our relationship (A man's view)



## Liverpool1892

My wife and I have undertaken 2 attempts of IVF, I say my wife and I, but I did very little.  I have a son from my previous marriage, that relationship fell apart due to several reasons, most notably, the stresses of bringing up a child and a reduced income.  I played, and still play a very active role in my son life (I always considered myself the ‘main parent’),  when my relationship broke-down I really struggled not having my son with me permanently, he lives with his mum about 3hr drive away.  The pain of dropping him off and missing him is very real, however, over the years (7) I have learnt cope mechanisms.  I see/have him every other weekend and most school holidays, my current wife has a very loving and caring relationship with him too.

When my wife and I IVF (she has problems with her ovaries), I expressed my concerns and worries about starting a family, however, we agreed try IVF.  Throughout all the progressions of the treatment I tried to stay level-headed, not allowing myself to get caught up in the positives or negatives, preparing myself accordingly.  Subsequently, my wife believes I never supported her through the process and showed a lack of interest throughout. 

(Long story short’er’)

Since the failed attempts, our relationship has become very difficult, we rarely share any intimacy and at times appear to be worlds away from the very much in love couple we once were.  I desperately want to make her happy, but I don’t know how!!  I have tried everything (I think), I’ve been loving, helpful, moody, grumpy, submissive, comforting, funny, nothing has helped!!!
She is desperate for the chance to be a mum, I am very ‘black & white’ in attitude, it hasn’t worked twice, lets listen to nature and stop throwing money at something that might never happen, equally if we keep trying and finally it works, this baby will become so precious that my wife may decide not to return to work. This will massively reduce our income and undoubtedly lead to new stresses and strains!!!

I have said that I think we need IVF or relationship counselling to help us get back to the couple I want us to be..............
There ends the story............now thinking/looking at counselling and/or advice!!!!!!!


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## Ronstar

Sorry to hear that the IVF hasn't worked twice.
It is so stressful and hard on a relationship. I know from my perspective that it never seemd my husband wanted a baby as much as me. We were lucky as the second go (ICSI) worked.
Does your clinic not offer counselling? ours did -for the very reason that it is so diffcult a process to go through and can put stress and strains on a realtionship.
The only other thing I was going to add was that I remember being told that on average it takes at least 3 attempts- so maybe another shot
I am sure others will offer better/different advice.
All I can say is I hope that you and your wife can get some help and support and perhaps retuen to the loving relationship you once had.
Best wishes for your journey from here on
Ronstar


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## FIFI2222

Hi Liverpool 1892. I couldn't just read and run. We are only just starting on our infertility treatment with our first appointment at the hospital tomorrow so I can't give any experience on IVF. However, I did buy a book about a month ago by Zita West and I have read it cover to cover and she gave some very sound advice repeated regularly through the book - whatever happens to you as a couple be kind to each other. Spend 10 mins at the end of each day talking about your own feelings for each other but always be kind to each other. And finally, remember, whilst this journey seems never ending remember it is only a small part in terms of time of your life together and a journey that needs to build you stronger. I am passing these 2 point on to you as they have helped me already and I always want to be kind to my DH. 

Good luck with your journey.

J


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## VEC

Liverpool 1892! FF is a lifeline for those seeking support, information and friendship whilst going through fertility issues. Fellow FF members are fantastic pressure valves when family, friends, doctors and partners often just don't "get" what you're going through. It has held my hand throughout treatment and I've made some great friends and gained a vast amount of knowledge, both of which are key factors in at least maintaining some level of sanity!

What's more, I'm a fellow Liverpool supporter - at least I say I am, but to be honest, football has taken a bit of a backseat in recent times, so I'm a bit of a let down as a Liverpool supporter nowadays.

I'm sorry to hear you've had two unlucky cycles, and really sorry too to hear that they have taken their toll on your relationship. It's totally unsurprising in my mind if it has a negative impact on a couple's relationship. I think you are right in thinking of counselling, I think that that can be an absolutely fundamental thing to do, and I would really recommend asking around on one of the boards about recommendations for a counsellor who will help you get back on track - you could start off by posting a query for recommendations on the location board that is relevant to your area.

I'm also sorry to hear that your son lives three hours away - I can only imagine the grief that must cause you still, and think it is fantastic that you and your wife have managed to ensure that your relationship with him is such an important priority to you.

Speaking from personal experience, my DP and I went through two failed cycles, fairly close together, and then were forced by financial issues but also by the need to consider other options to take a break - the fifteen months we had away from treatment really really replenished our relationship and made us both much stronger, individually but also within our relationship. We didn't actually have counselling, but we set ourselves an agreed time when we would be away from treatment, agreed that we would work like dogs to save up for treatment, and agreed that we would also spend a certain amount of money on treats for ourselves, something we hadn't done since we were first diagnosed as having problems. Importantly, we also agreed that we would end up having treatment at the end of the break, so we both knew and agreed on our end objective. In that fifteen months, we had a spa day together, we went on holiday, we went on a very cheap weekend to Barcelona, and we took up hill walking (for a limited time). Some of these things we did spontaneously some were planned, but they took our mind away from treatment and back onto us as a couple. All of this made me so much happier and readier for whatever was thrown at me that things were vastly improved between DP and me.

I'd also say (if you don't mind) that from my perspective, having a DP who was prepared to involve himself in treatment, whether it be sticking needles in my backside, speaking to doctors on my behalf, reading whatever books I threw at him on the subject (including one or two of Zita West's which I think are great), and allowing himself to get excited and upset alongside me by all the ups and downs of treatment made me feel very much like it wasn't just me. If he hadn't done this, I may well have felt what you describe your wife feeling - I'd say that discussing your motives and your wife's reaction might well be something a counsellor would help you both work on so you each understand where you are coming from. He/she may also help you talk through your concerns about the impact on your marriage of your wife wishing to stay at home once she has a baby.

Have a look around the site, post wherever you like, and make yourself at home. Whatever your circumstances, there will be someone who is going through a similar situation and who can offer support and information.

I've added some links which you may find helpful:

*Post Negative Cycle Support ~ *CLICK HERE

*The Mens Room ~ *CLICK HERE

*In Between Treatment ~ * CLICK HERE

*Complimentary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ *CLICK HERE 

*What Every New Member Needs to Know*CLICK HERE

Post here with any more questions, or on any other part of the site - there will be lovely people ready to offer friendship, hugs and support to keep you going through the ups and downs and you'll quickly feel at home.

Good luck with finding a counsellor, and with coming to an agreement with your wife as to the future. As Ronstar says, most clinics do say that 95% of patients succeed within three cycles.    

Fifi - very best of luck with your appointment tomorrow - hope it goes well for you and you can kick off soon.  

Ronstar - hope you're well and dandy, and not too tired!

Martha X


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## coweyes

This journey is so hard, I have always found it helpful to have breaks between treatments as it all becomes so intense other wise.  

I think it'd so easy to fall onto negativity and for life to be intense. This is the times that I have struggled the most. Taking each day at a time and trying to enjoy moment in hand has allowed me to cope much better. Good luck x x


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