# Is it normal to feel this way?



## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Hi, 
we are in the early stages of homestudy, hoping to go to panel in March/April time.

Recently i have been doubting that i do actually want a child, i think the main reason i feel like this is that i feel my dh will carry on with life as normal i.e going to work etc and im going to be the one who has to give up work and be the full time carer if you know what i mean and i dont know if i want that responsibility. Our sw visited yesterday and asked questions about the family etc and i said meet up with them every week if possible and she said it was a case of not being able to do that for a while once we have the child, which i understand but it makes me feel like i will be a prisoner in my own home.

Probably another reason for feeling this is resentment, how we are getting asked loads of awkward questions, yet no one sits down a pregnant 17 yr old and asks them how they will cope with a baby etc.

Are these feelings normal?

Julia


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

in a nutshell -YES!! loads of people who fall pregnant have exactly the same feelings..its all about the enormous changes that will happen and its natural to think 'oh my goodness what have we done/are we doing!' think of this time as your 'pregnancy' and there will be plenty of time for all these feelings to work through in your head. i'm having small collywobbles right now as we are about to bring our daughter home..our lives will never be the same again but the joy she is about to bring will cancel all that out i'm sure. 
as for being a prisoner in your own home..we arent having visitors to our house for a while but i certainly dont intend on making myself go bonkers by being stuck in all the time..we will meet people out for walks, prob go to some peoples houses..my mums for instance..toddler groups etc. its just about keeping 'home' as a place for mummy, daddy and little one..'family'

hope that helps

kj x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Morning!

Yes. Like kj says, it's all to do with the overwhelming realisation of becoming parents!
I think during tx, I got so caught up in the end result of becoming pregnant and nothing else, it wasn't until the adoption process, that the end result of an actual child being in our lives, hit me. 

It can and will feel daunting for you, it doesn't mean that you're changing your mind. Life will change, no doubt about it, but it certainly won't stop.
I heard allsorts from others, before our placement, about "well, you won't be doing that anymore, and won't be able to go there anymore" - BALLS!  TO THAT!!!

We just had a few alterations to make, let's face it, this little bundle of gold that we get at the end of the rainbow, is our everything from the moment we meet, but we still do everything that we always did do. Just with an extra little passenger to share our ride, and make it all that more enjoyable!  

Now 2 1/2 years on, we can't imagine our lives beforehand! And between you and me, don't tell anyone else.... Ssssh!!!..... I'm doubting myself again, and this is for #2!   So let's hope it's normal otherwise I'm in trouble!

 Take care x


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## Barbarella (Jun 11, 2005)

That'll be a yes from me too.  I agree with KJ and Ever... it's completely natural.  Right up to the moment we were matched, I wondered if we were doing the right thing - we had a pretty good life but decided that we couldn't go through life without children.. so that drove us!!  

I think the important thing to remember, is you can look at other people and how they parent etc.. you can think to yourself that it's going to be hard work, and your life will never be the same again... BUT what you are missing from those scenarios is emotional attachment.  You totally underestimate how you are going to feel for your child, and it's those feelings that get you through the hard work and let's face it, the tough times you will face as a parent.

To be honest, our life hasn't changed massively since DD came home... as with Ever, she just comes along with us.  And the stuff we do FOR her has enhanced our life, so it doesn't seem hard work.  

And you don't have to miss your Sunday mornings in bed with the papers - just go back to bed when LO is asleep.  I use DD's nap time as "me time"... and I refuse to do housework or anything mundane, so I don't feel as though I'm missing out on MY time. 

It's the best feeling in the world, going out and about with your son or daughter and feeling like everyone else!!!!

HTH

C xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
We've just been approved and are now waiting for our family.  I can honestly say what you are feeling/thinking is normal!  Through IVF I wondered if doing tx was right, whether we could adapt to our years alone, not having to worry about a little person, whether we were selfless enough to change.  During the adoption process I've wondered many times and even now I still wonder whether we will manage and whether we will actually be any good as parents.

At the end of tx we sat and talked and looked at all senarios and decided we didn't want a life without children.  We know there will be tough times ahead but we are hoping the good times will outweigh the bad and they don't stay children for long, so there is the adult relationship as well to look forward to.  I'm really close to my parents and I hope to have a close relationship with my children when they are adults as well as during their childhood.

The time I realised how important adoption was to me was in the lead up to panel.  The thought of not getting approved devastated me and I was busy planning 'what next' though the thought of ever going back to ivf now makes me feel ill.

I can't wait now to get the phone call saying we have a match, meeting our child(ren) for the first time and bringing them home and experiencing so many 'firsts' as a family - I know it will make the last 10 years of ttc and this process worthwhile.

Keep going and keep posting, this board is great for support and getting you through those niggling doubts.
Love
OT x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

I couldn't agree more with what all the girls have said. My DD has been with us nearly a year and tonight I just cried yet again as she lay in my arms having her milk! The love you will feel when your child arrives is overwhelming and a year on it most certainly continues.
Love JD x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

i agree i, completely normal to feel that way

Jill i'm glad i'm not the only one   i still cry all the time just looking at ds asleep or my eyes will fill up when he reaches up and grabs hold of my hand but the worst time has to be when i see my dh and ds together, the love they have for each other just sets me off, i'm filling up now just thinking about it   

pam xx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

This post has made me cry - but in a good way. 

Julia, you asked the question that has been milling around in my head for some time too. Good luck with the Home Study.

Lets hope we get our littlies soon. I'm sure we'll be smitten. I can't wait to see mine in their little bed(s) asleep, going to the park, etc… I could go on and on about what I am looking forward to!!!

Everhopeful, I love your posts: "I heard allsorts from others, before our placement, about "well, you won't be doing that anymore, and won't be able to go there anymore" - BALLS!  TO THAT!!!" 

Made me laugh out loud!  Spot on!

Right, supposed to be doing some of Form F. Don't want to get detention 

love from Bluebells xx


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Thank you ladies so much, its such a great relief to know its normal to feel this way, it think its just all been getting on top of me lately, what with endless prep training courses and social worker visits, plus just returning to work after hysterectomy means i am still extremely tired.

Thanks again

Good luck to everyone

Julia x


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