# Prep course Panic - talking about infertility loss



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi people

so sorry to ask for more advice, its just so reassuring knowing there are some people out there who are 'old hands' at all this and still sane!  

we start our prep course on 27 Feb, and it begins with a half day in which apparently we have to talk about our own story to get to adoption (i.e our infertility journey) and discuss our feelings about infertility loss, and not having a biological child.

We have been told that we have to share the highs and lows of our infertility journey in pictures of diagrams.

I am feeling rather panic stricken about this, as I feel I having moving on from our pain and loss very well over the last year but I am only human and I still have occasional wobbly days, and I am worried that having to share the 'highs and lows' with a group of complete strangers is going to open up all the pain again, especially if we have to go into details.

Has anyone else had to do this on their prep course? How did you find it?

If I get upset or emotional are they going to count it against me as not having moved on enough??


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## Misty C (Mar 1, 2006)

Hi Ermey

Saw your post and will IM you shortly.

Love
Misty C
xxxx


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

Hi Ermey

Congratulations on taking the first steps on your adoption journey.

It is a difficult subject to firstly come to terms with let alone talk about in front of strangers.  For me I just kept telling myself that everyone there was in the same boat and prob felt the same way about it.  Also you shouldn't feel under any pressure to divulge any more than is necessary.

As regards the comment about them not thinking you have moved on enough if you breakdown, I would be very surprised it this was counted against you.  You are only human and it is very hard to come to terms with infertility.  I don't think I will ever get over it completely - I have just learned to accept it and work round it.

I was terrified about our prep groups but I have to say that I really found them to be extremely helpful in many ways.

It is a roller coaster ride the whole adoption process - so don't be too hard on yourself.

T x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Its a looooooooong time since we did our prep course & we had to talk about how our journey had come to this, the best thing that we ever did, adoption.

We didn't have to draw diagrams though, this must be something new?

As for breaking down, its part of the grieving process & accepting what is meant to be & how you've got this far with out doing anything silly.  

Accepting infertility could force some people to the brink and most of us have felt that way at some times in our lives.

The great thing about adoption is you know the outcome, you know you will become a family, it may take longer than 9 months, you won't grow fat & get stretch marks but you'll get your family at the end of it.

Just be yourself when it comes to talking, say you find it hard to talk about but you'd like to share your feelings with the group, I bet your not the only one feeling this way & not the only one who may shred a tear or two.

Don't be hard on yourself, enjoy the prep groups, you'll make some great friends through it and its good to talk to people who know exactly how you are feeling.

good luck
Love
Andrea
xx


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## Milktray (Jun 12, 2005)

That's a good point about the friends Andrea - we have met and still keep in touch with 3 couples and 1 single parent adopter.

We regularly meet up at each others house and we all gain great support from each other.

T x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi,
This is a difficult one and it worried me too. One thing I found hard was that out of all the couples there only 2 of us were actually childless. One couple even had 3 birth children and no IF problems so obviously that exercise was rather different depending on your personnal situation. Sounds silly but maybe practice saying your story to yourself in a concise way. They wont mind if you get upset but bear in mind they will want to see that you are "over" not having a bio child!! yeh right like that ever happens! You will be fine it's unfortunately one of the hurdles along the way.
Good luck and do stick around for help and advice JD x


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## cowardly custard (Nov 12, 2005)

Hey there, having already done this part of the prep group (before we dropped out) you do not have to speak if you dont want to, i just sat and listened to everyone else, every one cried so dont worry about that. Infertility is something you never get over and in years to come i am sure tears will spring to your eyes when you look back.

I was never forced to speak though and wouldnt unless i fell comfortable to do so. My new LA leave thsi to the last day of the prep group so that you all know each other a little better and feel safe enough to speak about what ever you like.

Good luck


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya

we had our prep group in dec and it was very interesting. we didnt have to tell everyone how our journey has came to adoption. infact, we didnt really do much speaking. it was more a group thing. they split us all up into different teams and asked us to discuss different things. it was good.

im sure you will be fine but good luck.   

love camly xxx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi

We didnt have to do any big speach- we went round the room and just said how we had come to adoption- for us it was ttc8yrs - failed tx - decided a family was more important to us then a pregnancy-said how old we are, married for xxx yrs, where we lived (town) and thats was it .

Good luck

M J
xxx


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## Lady Lucy (Sep 28, 2005)

Thats the same for us, it was never discussed in any detail.  Also during the HS I had thought they would spend alot of time going through it all (which I was dreading) but it was never mentioned after the initial s/w visit.
C
x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thank you sooooooooooooooooooo much everybody for your replies!

It seems things vary from place to place, but is reassuring to hear some of you have done similar and survived!

I spoke to the SW yesterday and she was fairly reassuring in that she said its ok to get upset. She also said we can give as basic or as much detail as we choose, its just a good chance to get everything out in the open all together straight off. She understood why I had concerns and said they value feedback afterwards.

I still feel worried about it but as we are doing it in couples DH has said he will do the talking as much as poss! In theory he's less likely to get in a state then me!!! I have to admit the thought of it made me wonder I why I am putting myself through this. Hopefully its just first day jitters?!

Thank you all again, 

Ermey xxx


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Good luck Ermey

I don't remember having to talk about of IF. And I can really understand why having to prepare a talk to the group is scary..... And just to let you know...I am not an openly emotional person but I blubbed twice during our prep course !! completely out of character but completely dealt with sympathetically and undersdtood by all around including SW!

Hope it goes well

HHH


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## KTP71 (Oct 30, 2007)

Hi Ermey, what a coincidence, our prep course starts on the 27th Feb as well!  We've just received the info pack so better start reading up to see what we are discussing.  Our course is 4 consecutive Weds, so we finish Easter week.

Take care


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## Lynnm (Mar 7, 2006)

Hi Ermey

We completed our prep group in March last year, and the infertility session was midway through whereby we were split into 'males' and 'females' to discuss.  There was no social workers present and we were told to share as much or as little with the group that we felt we would like to.  I personally found it really comforting sharing the stories with no pressure and like some of the others we grew close to others on the prep group and have kept in touch  

Please try not to give yourself a hard time, infertility is a big thing. I know it is easier said than done but do try and relax.  I am sure you will be telling us after you complete the classes that you found them informative and enjoyable.

Lynn xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hope it all goes well tomorrow Ermey 

kj x


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

HI Ermy,
Just wanted to add my best wishes, hopefully after the inital hurdle is over (we didn't have to do this thankfully and just shared anything that naturally came up and seemed appropriate!) you will enjoy the Prep course (yes that is possible!).
Viva
X


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello

Thank you so much for your supportive messages  

I coped with the day yesterday ok at the time, though I have to say I still don't really see the point of sharing our personal journeys in the way we did. 
There were other exercises during the morning where we talked about our feelings about not having a biological child, and coping techniques, and this was helpful and nice to talk to friendly people who share the same emotions. however, the sharing of our IF journeys seemed to me less relevant, and rather uncomfortable and a bit distressing.

I thought I coped well till afterwards.....it stirred up bad memories of doing tx and I have been feeling wobbly and tearful! Its frustrating as I feel it has opened wounds that were healing quite nicely up until then!!!!!  

Oh well, things can only go upwards! we are back again on Monday and I am glad we are going back so soon so that we can put yesterdays behind us and start focussing on the future rather than the past, and the childrens needs rather than ours. On monday we talk about attachment. It looks intense but interesting.

Does any of that make sense? I am a bit tired and muddled today!!

Ermey xx

P.S hi to Angie


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Ermie,
Well done yesterday!! You made complete sense and echoed exactly how it made me feel. Onwards and upwards now good luck and keep us posted.
JD x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

thanks Jill  

Really relieved to hear that it made you feel the same way, as I wondered for a moment if it means I'm not 'ready' (are you ever completely 'ready'??) But seems that it is normal!

In the words of the singer Yazz......


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Hi Ermey..glad you survived!
talking about the IF issues is bound to stir up things a bit but hopefully you will find yourself able to 'recover' a bit quicker than in the past and be able to look forward to the next part..which it sounds like you already are..remember that analagy with the balloon on a string and sometimes you find it closer and more in your face and other times its far up high in the clouds? (i think it was your thread a long while back i wrote that on?! if it wasnt tell me ad i'll expand!) well this is just one of those times when its a bit closer....
on our 'loss' workshop it was suggested that we could do something to 'mark' the end of our dreams for a birth child and/or the start of our new journey..maybe planting something in the garden, writing a letter to the birth child that never was, lighting a candle and watching it burn out..you can make up your own ideas..might not be your thang but i quite liked the idea of that..although i never actually did anything about it..but perhaps thinking about it was enough 

dont be surprised if you find the 'attachment' talks quite heavy and depressing..they always tell the worst case scenarios...it can really bring you down but dont forget that there are also many many children out there for whom this wont be the case...

kj x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thanks KJ  

I haven't heard the balloon analogy before, but I can guess you're talking about the presence of past hurts and experiences, right? Thats a fantastic way of expressing it.

As for the attachment stuff, thanks for the tip off.....Its good to be forewarned of these things! I guess they have to tell you the worst so that you go into it with your eyes open.  

On the plus side, just this last few days DH has started to say things like 'when we have a little one' for the first time in years. Its so lovely to hear.     

E x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

sorry i was sure i wrote it on a thread you started a while back about if the feelings from IF stay with you forever
yes you're bang on..this was just my own personal analagy that sprung into my head,(actually during the loss workshop  ..that the IF issues are like a balloon tied to you on a piece of string..when you are still raw and hurting then the balloon is stuck in your face and in the way blocking your view all the time, and you cant seem to get away from it. gradually it drifts higher as you heal  bit by bit, but now and again, when something jogs you back (like a preg announcement) it seems on a shorter bit of string and very 'there' again. as time goes on, you stop even noticing the balloon as its sooo high up and away, but its always going to be there, high up in the clouds tied to you on that bit of string, you just wont have it keep coming closer all the time.. 

thats lovey that your dh is saying that, its a great feeling when those words start to enter your life and home   

kj x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

You may have done and i forgot with my sieve-head!   

Thats such a brilliant image, I love it. Its a perfect description of how it feels! Thankfully my balloon is a bit higher up again today


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Ermey, 
Just wanted to say that I hope your session went well today and if you're feeling scared stupid after the attachment chat do remember that most of us have felt that way too (I know we did!) and it's not an issue at all for many children and can be worked through for many others.
Love
Viva
X


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thank you Viva, its been so nice to find supportive messages here  

I got muddled and Attachemnt stuff is actually tomorrow. Yesterday we had stuff on the childs journey through placemtent, a talk from a foster carer, and a talk about Contact. there was an awful lot to take in but I thought it was very useful and interesting.

Tomorrow is nature vs. nurture, and attachment and trauma   (I really appreciated your reassuring post Viva).

Could I ask, did anyone else come home from prep course feeling tearful? Both days I have come home and had a good cry, and we haven't even reached Attachment issues yet! 

I'm not even sure why it is.....whether its just that it is tiring and emotionally draining.....and a little surreal to actually be doing it at last. I also find that our SW's running it are a little intimidating and don't react to any sense of humour. We feel a bit like there is no room for us to actually be ourselves and yet at the same time we are unsure about just how much they are watching and assessing at this stage. Its all a little daunting in such an artifiical situation!

from a very tired Ermey!!!


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## billy69 (Nov 5, 2007)

Hi,

to be honest I would be only too glad of speaking about "infertility loss" - as this should mean that the infertility has been lost and we are fertile again  ! It's the "fertility loss" that hurts...

We are moving the first cautious steps with the info meeting (second one - we had tried last summer and then taken a rest) this week. It's probably better not to rush into things...

B


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Ermey,
I know exactly how you feel I was exactly the same after each prep day very tearful and worn out emotionally. I have to be honest the prep course was the hardest part for me. It will soon be over and your journey will continue onto the next stage, we are all rooting for you.
Love JD x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooooo much Jill!

I feel much better knowing that I am not abnormal!      

E xx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

My pleasure Ermey,
I have pm'd youJD x


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