# Insensitive comments



## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

Can I ask all you lovely people for thoughts and advice on how you handle some comments. Some of you may know that our LO who was a foster placement in concurrency has returned home to her mummy. My DH are at peace with this but over the last few weeks as people have heard some have said " you know so and so thought they could not have children and then unexpectantly got pregnant. Just relax and you never know." This really upsets me and I find it hard to smile nicely and grit my teeth. It makes it sound like that LO who we along with our family and friends love so much was really only second best to one of our own. Myself and DH have long gone past wanting birth children. Our LO had she stayed with us would have been every bit our child. It also makes me feel that people are belittling what we are doing. How do people handle these comments. I feel like it is time to start educating people that adopting is not necessarily last chance saloon but actually a choice as to how we want to form a family and so don't want to simple smile it off but don't also want to make people feel bad. Just interested in you experiences. We will likely be doing concurrency again and want people to realise that actually this is where our heart and passion is.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

When people (general older generation family) make stupid comments like this I generally tell them we are careful not to get pregnant as we don't want another birth child right now. It's actually none of their business but it does generally put stop to their comments as they generally hadn't considered we might be happier to adopt. 

Honestly I just people don't understand until they have been down this route.

I also think it's an amazing thing you have done for your LO. It will impact her life forever having had such a loving start in life


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Ah honey, sorry you have to deal with tools - although its probably said by people who don't really understand anything about adoption and probably just don't know what to say  

No advice I'm afraid, I'm not an adopter, just a long-time lurker of this area who thinks you are an amazing woman and part of an amazing team with your OH. The next child who comes into your life will be so very lucky to have you as mummy and daddy  

Xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I normally respond with something like I hope not I'd be devastated we've chosen how we're going to build our family and don't want that changing.  Hugs sorry for your loss and the ridiculous comments.  I think once a child is permanently placed it's easier and comments get less. I haven't had any for a long while now my kids have been home 18 months.  I'm glad others are so obsessed with pregnancy but honestly when I see pregnant women I now think I'm glad I never looked like that.  Think I'd be happy to say that to someone now fight insult with insult xx


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

Thanks for your encouragement. I liked your comment about taking precautions tictoc at times I have wanted to say that. It would be a unlikely as the chances of us conceiving on our own our very rare and then on top of that we use protection. I think I should say that to see there reaction. It is time to start being bold!


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

It's amazing how many people think you will have a miraculous conception, recent convo at work from a woman who was asking me about my treatment 

"My aunty moved to Australia after being told she couldn't have children then got pregnant with triplets, maybe you should take some time off work and go away?"

"That wouldn't happen for us as we need donor eggs"

"But you never know"

"Well I have no tubes either so it won't"

"Well you never know, never say never"

"Okayyyy"  

L xx


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

Lol!   it just does not sink in with some people.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah   Pinklady. Those sorts of comments usually just wash over me but  I expect I would feel the same as you if our lo were to be returned to BF. Sadly I don't think any response will change people's mindsets. Unless they actually go through it themselves they don't understand.
Even my mum who utterly adores our lo and treats him no differently to her other grandsons came out with a corker the other day! She was here when the LA rang to say they'd got a letter from bm for us but would we accept it as it was late and significantly out of the contact times agreement. Of course we did, never imagined we'd actually get a response so no hesitation. Anyway after I'd put the phone down my mum said to me " I wasn't being nosey but I couldn't help but overhear was that about his mother?". I was raging inside but know she didn't mean anything by it so I just let it slide. Then a couple of days later my dad said something similar about dh having been in  an area we don't normally go because bm lives there "did you see his mother?" . So I did say "well clearly not because I was here with you, I think you mean his BIRTH mother or xxxxx as we like to refer to her."


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

As you know we have been in the same situation you find yourself in.

Again it's the older generation who out of being nosey and not knowing the right things to say just come out and say the most ridiculous thing that pops into their heads! 

It seems a long time ago since we had to deal with the comments you are dealing with but I found myself on more than one occasion telling them the truth..........soon shut them up............but most of the time I just wanted to curl up and cry & smiled politely so as not to offend anyone.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Everyone said it to us and it so annoyed me. Then it turned out the idiots thought their theories were right and that annoyed me even more!! I love my son to the moon and back but I still get annoyed I'm one of 'those stories', mainly because I know how much they used to p*** me off! Don't be upset ladies, while a blessing I also found pregnancy to be overrated, adoption all the way for me xxx


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## poppy05 (Apr 10, 2006)

I've had all manner of comments over the years so wont bore you all, but must tell you last weeks little corker!


I got told 'well you never know, you might "just fall" whilst you are waiting to adopt!!!!
My answer to that was, 'well we'd be very unusual lesbians conceiving naturally'!!!!!!!    
Then to dig a bigger hole for herself sh said 'have you thought about surrogacy?'
my answer was ' we have 2 wombs in our marriage we dont need a third'!!!! jeez we want to adopt is that so difficult for people to comprehend?!!


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

poppy05 said:


> I've had all manner of comments over the years so wont bore you all, but must tell you last weeks little corker!
> 
> I got told 'well you never know, you might "just fall" whilst you are waiting to adopt!!!!
> My answer to that was, 'well we'd be very unusual lesbians conceiving naturally'!!!!!!!
> ...


oh my good lord! I assume she knew you were gay? do people not stop and think? 

i've had the 'bet you fall pregnant' thing loads too. and my own mother refering to BM as 'his real mother' which really upsets me. She's been on related by adoption course too.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I love that poppy!!
People really don't think.

I think that is the key here, as someone who often gets upset by others, saying stupid things or not respecting our wishes, unless you have lived our paths, you just don't get it.  They can try and be empathetic, but often sound patronising.  Most people live on their own outwardly perfect bubbles, and don't think.

I can hoenslty say our lives aren't perfect, but our little boy is pretty darn near too it!! And having lived our journey for almost 9 years, I know I have a great husband, and if we continue to talk.... We can see our way through whatever life now throws at us, and we have stood the test of time (for now lol).  Would change it now xxx


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## Lilly83 (Jan 19, 2012)

Poppy that's funny! It's amazing how many people suggest surrogacy to you isn't it, I get it a lot. Another woman at work asked me loads of questions about endo and donor eggs and how it works, I'm sure some think donor eggs involves Kevin unpregnating another woman too, when I explained how donor eggs worked that I needed the eggs but I could carry she then asked "so when did you have your womb out?" I laughed and said what did you think I meant I was gonna do? Carry it in my handbag for 9 months?!

People are funny xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

People are bizarre! We adopted a 10mth old boy 3yrs ago and had a surprise baby in March.
X-Lolly-X, I feel exactly as you do -I've no idea why we were able to conceive as all my medical problems still exist but it really goads to be 'one of those'. Quite frankly, pregnancy sucks and genetics have absolutely nothing to do with how much I love my kids!

Just a few corkers recently about baby:

'Oh, he's ACTUALLY yours then?! How wonderful!' -er they're both ACTUALLY mine!!
'How does it feel to now be a mum?' -I've been a mum for 3yrs you moron!!
'Is he yours?! Natural?!' 

I've also had a few nice one:
'they look so much alike!'
'oh hes's lovely! How old was he when he came home?' -I LOVED this assumption, said with such delight and joy.


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

Thanks for all your replies. I have some corkers up my sleeve  now, ready for the next poor unsuspecting person. I guess people who have not walked our path just can't really get it and unless we educate them as opportunities arise how are they suppose to know.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

I given up with the trying to educate 
These days I stick to 'mmmmm....' And roll my eyes!

My birth son was conceived while we were waiting to start IVF, we tried IVF twice for a sibling then moved onto adoption, I've had a lot of insensitive comments, including 'you should learn to be grateful for what you've got..' From more than one person
On our prep course someone told me they couldn't understand why we were bothering we already had a child...
I know a few people who were convinced I would get pregnant again now we had adopted, like the condition causing fertility issues would just disappear??!

Our daughter has some very difficult behaviours that have been displayed quite publicly on a number of occasions, after witnessing some of it a 'friend' commented 'can you give her back?'

Now we get comments about how dd has been home over two years, surely she must be ok now?!....and so it goes on, hence the eye rolling  

Xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Crazyspaniel ......a 'friend' said that! How hurtful. One of my 'friends' said to me 'I wonder if her parents are a bit hyper active' in respond to me saying LO had been a bit hyper lately. We are her parents .......grrrrrrr! It really bugged me and after I stewed on it I had to to text her and set her straight. She won't be saying anything like that again! X


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi Crazyspaniel

I am very interested in your comments as we also have a BD born 2005 and are linked to adopt a baby girl (7 months old).  We are already receiving a few odd comments.  Such as one of the Grandmas saying I will be a Grandma by proxy.... NO!  Also my mum has been really odd throughout the whole event.  She hasn't been very interested and now we are linked keeps saying "oh thats nice dear" whenever I tell her something then in the same breathe asks what our BD wants for Xmas and chatting about her as if my news isn't very important.  I do wonder if our AD will be treated differently to our BD by people.  I truly hope not.  We have told our BD she is still number 1 but she has to share the number 1 spot with our AD who will also be number 1 too.  They are joint number 1s.  She gets this and seems fine with it at the mo and has embraced the whole thing whole heartedly.  she has spoken about her concerns and we have chatted them through openly as a famly.

However, how the school mums will react and outer family members who have no idea what we are doing, I don't know.  Plus we are getting married next year so everyone will be aware if not before then at the wedding....lol.  There may be a few shocked faces.  I love shocking people and love the fact we are having 2 children in a completely different way to anyone else I know.

There is absolutely no chance of me falling pregnant.  I want for a scan recently for something else and when he got to my ovaries the radiographer looked puzzled.  I said to him if you are looking for follicles they are not there as they are all dead due to me being diagnosed post menopause 4 years ago... he said "oh that explains it"..we had a chuckle.  So, I don't get comments like "you may fall pregnant".  I have to say if somebody said "can you give her back" to me I think I would ask them if they can put their chlid back too.... what an awful comment. Some people really don't get it do they!

I bet you are a great mum to both children and I guess after a few comments you grow a thicker skin to it.  I hope I do, depends which HRT tablets I am on as if on the white ones I can be a bit blunt with my comments - this could be fun.

L x


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Loupylou - just wanted to respond to your comment about your mum's reaction to the adoption so far. We also had a birth child first and my parents were not exactly wholeheartedly behind us adopting - it really upset me during the process but I was so busy I just got on with it and kept the SW away from them. Now our AD is here (as is AS now also) they have completely changed and informed me they held back all that time because they just didn't think it was going to work out and were convinced we were setting ourselves up for more heartache. 

I hope it's just the same with your mum and nothing more


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I can add the same experience.  DH's family showed very little interest in the process and didn't seem very excited about Bug until the AO, really.  With hindsight, we didn't involve them as much as we could have, and they were very afraid it wasn't going to work out and felt they couldn't bond until they knew for sure he was ours.

We have so much time to get used to the idea of adoption, and so much training, I think we sometimes forget the journey we've been on to get where we are.  It's hard for people not living it to understand.  Even my late Mum, who was adopted herself, had many anxieties we couldn't really address and struggled to know how best to be a Grandma.  It wasn't her fault, and she adored him.  Ho hum.


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## Loopylou41 (Apr 26, 2011)

Awwww thanks Tictoc and AOC, that is very nice of you to respond.  I guess you are right, we have had nearly 3 years of the process and have just become accustomed to all the processes involved.  Whilst our parents really haven't got a clue as to what is involved.  My mum I think applied to adopt when I was little and got turned down, that would have been around 39 years ago so I am guessing the process was very different back then and the children available for adoption.  The reason they turned her and dad down was due to income as he had a low paid job and so did mum.  

I am really hoping she will feel differently when we have got LO home.

Feels like such a long road, I think these boards keep us all going as we can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Thanks again
L x


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