# so angry i need to rant!



## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Hi ladies yesterday me and my partner went to his mums and she was there with her middle son who lives there, her youngest son and his girlfriend and her daughter and there baby. As soon as I walk in when they are there I always feel uncomfortable and my strategy is to play on my phone   well all'si could her is baby squealing and everyone playing and cooeing over her. Then my dp unclewalks in plays with baby and we just sat there really uncomfortable. When they are there his mum hardly speaks to us she all them! And obviously dp youngest brothers girlfriend laps it all up. We've had a few comments of his mum before the baby arrived there was just no compassion fir usat all. Then when we left his mum said 'let yourselves out can't you' like she couldn't be bother d to come to the door to wave her eldest son off!! She normally would! She completly changes when her youngest son is there with their baby and her daughter. Even the daughter gets away with murder with her! I've spoke to dp about it before and he has agreed and doesn't really like it when they are there. But I don't want to keep in about it to him cause it's his family and I won't come between that bit they really have no consideration at all. I feel they think I should be over the baby I lost and over the fact I now need ivf sometimes I get Moody with my partner cause of it should I just ignore it ? X


----------



## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

It's so hard because babies do seem to dominate family situations. I understand why you try to distract yourself, but also wonder if this makes you feel more left out? You are feeling grief and frustration - but the rest of the family might interpret it as lack of interest - or they might not really know what you are feeling and so ignore the issue altogether and focus in on the children. Nothing like a little one to fill those awkward family silences. I don't know enough about your situation to advise though.

I'm seeing things from the other side now. It's my baby getting all the attention. Far from lapping it up though - I hear the same things every single time - how she looks like their side, how she behaves like their side when she's being cute and how they 'cant imagine where she gets it from' when she's not being so cute. I get the same 'advice' and suggestions whether I need/want them or not and I just find myself smiling and playing along even though I sometimes feel like smashing my head against the wall.  

Don't get me wrong,  I'm eternally grateful for my little girl. I'm just saying that it doesn't solve every family problem just like that. In fact, because they know how long we waited for our baby, they expect us to be deliriously happy all of the time which is a lot of pressure. It's hard to find any allies in this fertility journey - people just don't understand. However, there are many things that people can't be bothered to try to understand. You have to protect yourself, but also try to live in the here and now. Nobody really knows what's around the corner - but it won't be the solution to all of life's problems (challenges), it's just a new journey with its own ups and downs.

Sending   and hope things work out for you xx


----------



## nikki76 (Feb 1, 2011)

Oh God we had the same after my 1st mc when we went for Easter family dinner and everyone was going mad over my baby niece. Absolutely 100% see where u r coming from its awful. I promise u though when u have ur little one hopefully soon everyone will be obsessed with ur lo and no one else!!
Also anger doesn't help makes it soooo much worse. Avoid situations as much as u can but if u can't just imagine everyone going mad over ur baby hopefully very soon xxx


----------



## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Ps...sorry if that post is more annoying than helpful (not sure how I would have taken it a year or so ago tbh)  - it was just to say that our families still act inconsiderately - more just not thinking before they speak than real malicious stuff (at least I hope). We still have to fit in with what suits them best - they say they want to help and then when I ask for help they are busy. My expectations were unrealistic - I feel I could have saved myself a lot of anguish when ttc if I had realised that it was personalities and not personal x


----------



## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Nikki thank you so much for your reply it is so hard I needed to rant and to know people are in the same boat makes me feel so Much better x

LittleL thank you for your reply I can defo see it from both sides so hearing it from your view also really helps. I'm really not sure how to keep reacting though I can't seem to find that ground if that makes sense x


----------



## LittleL77 (Jul 14, 2012)

That totally makes sense - if only I had the answer (sigh). Personally, I think I'm guilty of taking it too personally. When we had a miscarriage - mil spent an afternoon telling me about everyone she knew that had lost a baby!!! I would have preferred a quiet cup of tea and a different subject really - but if we had done that I'd probably have been annoyed that everyone was avoiding the subject!!! It's a tricky situation to navigate really. After the miscarriage it took a long time to conceive again (ovulation problems) - we didn't tell anyone about ttc again or the problems and mil kept implying that I was putting my career before starting a family!! Again, I couldn't put the record straight or they would never have shut up about ttc!! I'd like to say that I can look back and laugh - but it's still not very amusing. Where the parenting suggestions are concerned,  if I felt more confident in myself, it would be easier to filter the 'noise'. I need to learn to let it go over my head and stop reading into everything but it's easier said than done. I'd love to feel real respect and empathy from them - but it's just not who they are. They are very matriarchal/patriarchal and they only see things their way. They think they are helping by giving me constant information - I feel like I'm drowning but they don't see it that way. I imagine your family sense that you feel uneasy but just deal with it badly. Although there might not really be a good way to deal with it - if they did show an interest, you might feel very exposed and embarrassed. It's very personal. It got to a point where all anyone asked me was 'how's work?'  - drove me mad. Although now I only get asked 'how's baby?' which is more fun to answer but very few people are truly interested hahaha - oh life!!!xx


----------



## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Yes life can be cruel at times. We went to my do mums again today and it seems she had the baby overnight so when we got there the baby was there his mum was just getting ready to take her home. Again you could feel the atmophere. His mum made the comment ' aww no one is talking to my little princess' etc we didn't know what to say I don't want to seem ignorant but I literally do not know what to say or how to act I really think they've forgotton what we've been through even though they have been reminded but in one ear out the other I think. We left after a quick cuppa but his mum didn't seem fussed really frustrating x


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

parents are the worst, they really are. My mother has all the subtlety of a house brick through a window pane when it comes to communicating around baby stuff. Some stuff she comes out with is so inappropriate. You just have to ride with it. Take a deep breath and when necessary just walk away. you can't control other people's agendas. It's horrible and sad to feel left out but you just have to find friends where you can, and shrug off those who don't invest time with you. life is too short to get hung up on it.


----------



## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Gold bunny your completely right. I don't want my partner or his family to think I'm selfish or jealous. I do think it puts my dp in a situation I suppose he sees it from booths sides but I don't want it to wedge between us. Yesterday really did get to me   x


----------



## nikki76 (Feb 1, 2011)

Don't bother what they think, just take care of urself and ur relationship - I lost the plot with infertility and miscarriages etc and in hindsight I would take care of me more. Don't let anger and bitterness in u cause it will make u even more bitter and angry. Just walk away and don't see them as much (avoiding situations is the best tactic). And accept that noone will ever ever ever understand what u r going through other than u and ur partner!

Just focus on u on relaxing and preparing urself for treatment 
x


----------



## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Thank you nikki I'm definitely going to take more care of myself I've just finished counselling and thought I was doing really well my counsellor said I'm really strong headed and thinks I'll be fine but obviously there's going to be things that get to me but I just need to walk away and ignore it and think stuff it to the lot of them   life can be so cruel x


----------

