# What is the right thing to do?



## Carolinek136 (Jan 9, 2007)

I have had 3 failed ICSI treatments.  My partner has had a failed vasectomy reversal.  We have been together for 7 years.  I really do not know what to do next. I am 42 will be 43 in October.  I don't think I can face another treatment and it not to work.  Do not know whether to do another ICSI or do donor egg or donor sperm and all the complications that they bring and they may not work anyway?  I feel I have wasted the most important years of my life to have a baby and am feeling resentful.  My partner has got 3 children and we do not talke a great deal about what has happened, I don't know whether it is that he is a man or that he is not a great communicator!  My most strongest feeling at the moment is should I break up and take the chance that I may have a baby with someone else.  It is almost as if I need permission to do this.  I am a very proud person and like to think that I am doing the right thing.  I would feel so guilty and I know my partner would make me feel guilty, he would be so upset.  He has always said in the past that he would like to think that I would stay with him, regardless of us having children but I just do not feel like that.  I have no family and we don't seem to see his family very much and his sister has children which I always find a bit difficult.  I am aliented from my friends as they all have children.  I can't seem to see much of a future with just us, I don't quite know what we would do, I don't drink anymore and have nevery really been into travelling, I am a homebody.  I care about my partner alot and if only we could have a baby i think everything would turn out all right but I havn't got the time now.  I really feel that this is my very last change right now to start doing something and the panic is setting in.  My question still is what is the right thing to do, is it fair for me to want to leave?


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Well, I am going through exactly the same situation right now. So you are not alone. I am also one who needs permission, and am proud and do not want to fail. My counselor told me 2 months ago to leave him and said just that - she was giving me permission to go and be happy and find a new life. He does not treat me very well, very selfish, doing his own thing - to "forget" about the baby issue, meanwhile I sit at home alone in my free time and the rest of the time work my socks off to top up the bank account for him to spend.

I have blocked tubes, but could be treated with IVF as everything else is healthy, BUT my husband has no sperm, not even on 2 surgical biopsies AND he absolutely refuses to consider donor sperm.
I have no family - my dad is elderly and I will go to live with him when this house is sold. The rest of my family, cousins etc have either moved away, completed their families and they are grown up or I have lost contact. After my mum died, we don't seem to be invited any more to my mum's sister's family do's.
My friends either have grown up children or 1 year olds, and I do find it hard. I will lose contact with these friends most likely as I will move out of the area.

My husband even has a 12 year old from a previous relationship, so his family and him do not see that I need to have my own baby - they have got their grand child already.

Unless you do what in your heart is what you need to try, you will always regret it. I am 37 and cannot imagine living like this for the next 30 years, knowing I could have tried to continue my genetic line and have my beloved baby. I intend to get on with it as soon as possible with a donor. I am certainly not going to wait and see if I find someone. If they come along then all well and good, but if not then fine. I am sorry to say the chances of IVF dwindle with age and really after the age of 38 the chances are slim. This needs to be taken into account. A chance is better than none if you can take the potential disappointment and cost though.

You must weigh up a pros and cons list. Maybe counselling to tease out the issues and work out the odds will help. If my marriage was fantastic, then maybe I could cope, but not as it is. I do love him in a lot of ways, and it is very hard, but I know I will hate him if I stay in this situation eventually.


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## foxylady73 (May 11, 2008)

Hi Caroline

I read your post and felt I had to respond.  First of all I know how hard it is to cope with failed tx and disappointment   

However, I would urge you not to rush into a decision about your relationship based entirely on this.  You need to take some time to decide whether another treatment is the right option for you.  I know that you are feeling scared and panicked and afraid that it will never happen, but you shouldn't resent the time you have spent trying to have a baby, to try is the only way we can ever find out what will happen.  Trust me in that your feelings change over time and you may indeed decide to pursue other options, as hard as that may be to believe now.

You are right that men find it difficult to communicate about these issues and it can put an enormous amount of strain on your relationship.  Have you tried talking to your DP about the way you are feeling?  Sometimes we bottle things up and this just leads to resentment, it's better to at least try and get things out in the open.  Have you been offered any counselling when having your treatment, perhaps it would make it easier to talk these things through with someone impartial?

You sound very confused which is why I don't think you should be hasty.  You say that you care about your partner a lot and feel that if you had a baby things would be ok yet you are also saying that you should maybe break up and take the chance of having a baby with someone else.  As you say yourself, that may not happen anyway and it seems like a waste to throw away a good relationship for that reason alone.

My DH has a DS from his first marriage and I have struggled at times wondering if he really understands what it is like to want a child of your own.  But we have always talked things out and I realise that all of our tx has been as hard on him as it has on me and he would love for us to have a child of our own.  My DH is fine, I am the one who can't have children and if he left me because of that I would be devestated.  I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, just feel that you need some time to think about these things.

I wish you lots of luck and hope that everything turns out ok for you


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## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Hey Caroline

Please don't rush into a decision about breaking up.  You probably feel incredibly trapped and frustrated.   I'm with you on that one hun.    

Please just take some time and work through your feelings and do whatever you need to do.  Things will be a little unsettled for a while for sure.  Maybe you could try and take some time out away from your DH and see how you feel?  See if you miss him?  Try and take some time out together too to talk and chat and refind all the good things that you have together and that brought you together and that have kept you together through 7 years, 3 failed ICSIs and a failed vasectomy reversal.  Man that's a tough old time you guys have survived.    My guess is you've got lots of reasons to be together.   You've managed to survive so much already.  

IF is a rotten old roller coaster.  Remember to be kind to yourself.   

Luv
G xxx

P.S.  I've been through what you are going through.  I did leave for a while.  I did look around for another man.  I went out a lot and flirted like mad.  I was very angry at DH.  We're back together.  We have our ups and downs.  But things are settling.  It's not easy to find someone you get along with.  Took me 10 years to find DH.  So please think carefully about it, don't rush, you are bound to be a whole bag of mixed and extreme emotions at the moment.  Been there too.     Take heart though it will pass.  You will ride this storm and survive.      Please IM me if you'd like to talk because I can so identify with where you are.  Good luck hun.


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello there

What an awful place to find yourself - I'm so sorry you've had such a bad time and feel so resentful and trapped by it it all!  I just wanted to reiterate what someone has just said - take time to decide whether you really do want to throw this relationship away.  The way I see it is you might meet someone else and have a child - you might meet someone else and not have a child and that person might be either nicer or less nice than your current partner - or you might not meet anyone else ... you need to be sure that you will be happier having taken this chance whatever the outcome.  After all, nice men aren't easy to come by    I hope that doesn't make you cross ... obviously it's just a point of view! 

Very very best wishes

Jx


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## Carolinek136 (Jan 9, 2007)

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.  I am still not sure as to what to do, I think I am just letting it play out and see what happens.  It think if I could speak to someone who was an outsider who could give me their opinion that would help, I am considering this as I saw a small ad the other day for someone who does counselling.  But also my feelings are that I feel awkward and stupid about the whole thing and my confidence is so low.  It seems like I never stop thinking about it and am not sleeping well at the moment.  My partner has gone off to play golf this afternoon and I am just rattling around the house, am bored of going to the shops and don't know what to do with myself.  I am on the donor egg list at the LWC and they said I should have a donor by June, then it went to September and now they are saying October.  I just think that come the end of the year if nothing has happened I will of had my fill of all of this.  I do think a break for a short while may be good as I cannot think clearly at the moment.  Thank you once again for your kind replies.


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Caroline,

I am sorry to arrive late here - life has kept me offline for a while.

I do think it sounds like a good idea to have some counselling to help you find your way through this emotional maze. A good counsellor will not make you feel stupid and will help you to regain your confidence. Make sure you find one who is properly qualified (E.g approved through British Association of Counselling and Psycotherapy - BACP.) There are a lot of so called counsellors with no proper qualifications and some try and cash in on other people's pain. As you have found, life can be very complicated. We can get great unqualified help from friends and places like this board. If we are going to pay for support, we derserve to know that we are getting it from someone who has been trained to offer something more.

It does sound as though there is a possibe future with your partner. I realise that as a father he may not understand what it is like for us women who do not have our own children, but it does sound like he loves you for yourself and is willing to listen? Perhaps couple counselling would help you come closer again?

I am sure you realise that the permission you feel you need to leave and try and find a new partner can only come from yourself. That is not to say you should not look to friends and people on this board to support any decision you make. 

Maye you also need to consider whether time is against you? I guess this is at least part of why you feel resentful about the time you have already spent trying to have cildren.

For what it is worth, I left my partner when we reached the end the treatment road and I felt the fact that we dealt with it differently meant we were incompatible.  Later we got back together once we realised that despite our differences we wanted to be together more than to be alone or with people who just did not feel right, however much they seemed to match what we thoght was an ideal partner! I still feel a bit as though I wasted time we could have had together if only we had talked more or had counselling. Right now we are having practical problems trying to sell our seperate homes in the current economic climate so we can live together again - if I let it get to me I feel so stupid for putting us in this position. I try to listen to DH when he encourges me to look ahead to a future and not dwell on the past which cannot be changed .

Good luck, and sray in touch.

Kove Jacqui,


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