# Do I do it on my own?????



## bagpuss1

Its like the title says really. Im now 36 and happily single with lil old Edes to keep me busy!!!

The problem, is, I really don't feel as though my baby days are over, have had massive yearnings for another child since Edie was 3 monts old.. A long time to yearn with little or no respite from it.

I just don't want to get to my fourties and regret not making a decision when I could actively do something about it. I have six viles of sibling sperm at the clinic.

There are just so many pros and cons of starting all over again... I could probably afford another child- just about.

I worry about the impact on mine and Edies quality of life if I go through with having another baby.. what if I screw it up and end up functioning badly with both kids... then I will have mucked up all of our existences for a very long time. But then I worry that if I dont atleast try again to have another baby, I will be miserable for ever!

I dont see myself finding someone who I actually would like to raise a baby with in the near future- I did have someone but other people got in the way of our relationship and I ended it.

The other thing that worries me is the family aspect... I only have my Dad and Aunt and Uncle...my brother lives quite close but I'd be surprised that he knows he's got a niece!!! Edie currently has a whole raft of family who absolutely adore her, any little one born to me alone would not have many people around at all.

Also.. Edes goes away from me for 50% of the week, any other child would not... would it really be fair of them to separate them so often.

I dont know, maybe I am over thinking this stuff. I suspect if it didnt take as much planning to get pregnant, I would have done it by now and b****r the consequences.

I dont know... any words of wisdom from those who have had susequent babies?

I might pop this on the singles board too so that I can get their feedback.

K xx


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## lmb15

K - firstly,     . I'm not in the same situation as you, so can't give any good advice. All i can say is that, if i was in your situation, as you've described things, i'd try for another baby. I think i'd regret it more if i left things too late to do anything about it. I'd rather have a bash at getting pregnant again and hope, if it did work out, i'd be as good a parent to the second child as i was to the first. 
There's no way of knowing how things will pan out. 
Which do you think you'd regret more, having a baby on your own with all that goes with it, or not trying to get pregnant?
Like i said, no real answers from me, i'm afraid, just big hugs and i hope you can come to a decision you're happy with.
Lisa x


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## ♥JJ1♥

Bagpuss it must be so difficult for you, if you want any advice about being a single mum, ttc alone etc then do pop over onto the single womens thread- there are some lesbian mums and mums to be there, but your situation is different with already having your gorgeous Edie Mae with your ex.

Good luck with your decision making
L x


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## Strawbs78

I'm with Lisa, I think if I could afford it I would definitely try again, I don't really have any advice outside of that as I'm not in your situation but I just wanted to respond.. I hope you get some advice on the singles thread and you get to a place you are comfortable with.. J x


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## nismat

Such a dilemma for you   

I know how much you would dearly love to have another child, and I'm sure that you wouldn't screw it up! However, there's no denying that it would be hard having a newborn on your own, and especially juggling the very different needs of Edie and a new baby. But I think that with Edie settled in school, it is probably rather easier as a proposition than if she were a toddler/pre-schooler, as for a decent chunk of each school day, you'd have time on your own with the new baby, rather than having them both around (and of course you'd have the 50% time as well). How did you find the early months/first year with Edes; did you & H share the parenting a lot, or were you doing a lot of the primary care (I'm afraid that I can't remember!). You will of course have times when you are sleep-deprived and probably end up shouting at Edie, but it's highly unlikely to be anything that would "muck up your lives" in any real sense. 

Looking at your situation from the outside, it seems to me that the bigger issue is not the issue of whether to try for a baby on your own, but more about whether to have a baby that is brought up in a very different family situation, and whether the inequality is unfair or not. Personally, I don't think so, there are lots of families in these kinds of situations (even if more often it's hetero-conceived kids where one has an involved father, and another doesn't). It's just their "normal", and probably doesn't feel unfair in life lived on a day-to-day basis - it's just one of those issues that seems like a biggie when you are thinking about it. I think it will just be different, in the way that Edie has a different family situation from most of her friends, but with plenty of love around, not a problem.

I think, if you feel as strongly as you do, and have done for a long time now, then you should give it a shot and, as you say, b*****r the consequences - you'll deal with them when they happen! And many of the worse aspects that you may be imagining won't even turn out to be relevant anyway. The key thing is that you don't want to live your life regretting what might have been, and this really is a big thing to regret. If it doesn't work out, then that's another issue altogether, but at least you will have tried. 

And in which case, I think the sooner that you try the better - fertility-wise of course!

PS, it's probably worth asking the same thing over on GB as well


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## jo36

Hey hun, 

The yearning for another child is crippling, I know, and by the sounds of it you've been living with it for quite some years. You're a fantastic mum to Edie and you will be again to another baby if thats what you choose to do. And I'm sure Edie will make a brilliant big sister, after a few initial adjustments! My biggest concerns would be the family thing as the children would be 100% siblings but with different family members due to the Edie going to her Mamas and grandparents 50% of the time. Would the new addition feel left out once they were old enough to realise what was happening and the situation is explained? BUT kids are very resilient, and usually adapt to most things. But I think that would be my biggest concern.

And as we discussed on Sunday life is good for you and Edes. You have a strong and close relationship, with holidays booked and plans for the future. Babies do change that but on the other side of the coin a sibling for Edie would be fantastic and they would grow up together, and you will be a close and strong family of three.

I know when we (well me really!!) were desperate for another baby, I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't move on from it. And although I was eternally grateful for having Milly, I never would have been content unless we had at least attempted to conceive again. But 6 months into the pregnancy I had a terrible feeling we'd made a mistake and we were potentially ruining a fantastically close bond the three of us had with each other. I worried the family dynamics would change and I felt really very sad that Milly had limited time to be an only child with us. I suppose because, like Edie, she was quite old for the next sibling to come along, and had only ever known life as an only child. But, of course, once the baby was born those concerns never once came to me again. We had made the right decision. But there will always be concerns and worries, and the longer you think about it the more things you will worry about (if that makes sense!!) .

But definitely go on the singles thread. I have a friend over there who depended on the wisdom of others and now she's the proud mum of twins!! Just don't leave it too late and then have to live with regrets...but at 36 you've still got plenty of time!!!!

Jo x


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## lucky2010

Hi Kerry,


It has been so eloquently put by everyone else, and I have to say that i agree with the consensus!! If I could afford it I would. Children are incredibly adaptable and resilient and as long as there is plenty of love to go around I can't see that you could go wrong!


Good luck with whatever you decide!


Rach x


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## bagpuss1

Hi everyone,

I am just so grateful to you all for your lovely replies. They have really helped me to come to a decision and I am just so happy to let you know that I have decided to go for it!!!

I saw my GP this morning and have been referred back to the hospital. I started Folic Acid today also and my GP is going to do my day 3 and 21 bloods! I have a smear next week so all in all I am sorted for now I think.

I have spoken to my dad about this and also my closest friends who have all been really positive about this and have offered me their support.

My next step is starting to save for the treatment. I need to ring my old clinic and see if there is anymore sibling sperm left that I can buy as this will have a bearing on which treatment I go for.. I am hoping for IUI again but have only 6 viles left. If there is no more to buy then I guess IVF will be my best option I suppose- this will take me longer to save for.

All these questions!!! Im so worried about what will happen with all of this... what will I do in school holidays!!! what will I do with the baby when Im at work!!! I keep telling myself not to think so far ahead!!! We had no idea what we were going to do with Edie and Im sure that no-one has either!

Anyway, Im off to ring my old clinic xxx K


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## hopehopehope

bagpuss - as an older lady can i recommend you have your AMH level tested to check the quality of your egg reserve before you decide on iui or ivf.  I think yu have totally made rught decision. As a singlie i started Diui when i was 41 - boy do i wish i tried earlier. i now have a partner but  unlikely to have my own genetic child.


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## bagpuss1

Hi Hope,

Thanks for that, I shall ask the nurse to test my AMH when I get bloods done, i would imagine my clinic will ask for that to be done. Do you know that I have had no negative comments at all about me doing this on my own! I have yet to tell my ex... that can wait for another day....

I have contacted my old clinic and they have more sperm for me to buy if I need   . I think I shall try IUI first (AMH) permitting then buy more for subsequent treatments.

Thank you all again for your support xxx


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## lmb15

Yippee!! I'm so glad you've decided to give it a go. Best of luck.
Lisa x


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## leoaimee

me tooo !!      for ttc lots of love axx


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## bagpuss1

Thanks guys,

Lisa.. how is your poorly gorgeous little boy?

Aimee.. How are you guys doing? havent heard from you in a while, How old is your little one now?

I am so excited.. down side is.. Ive managed to accidentally find out how many families our donor has created.. I really didn't want to know but was so incredibly surprised to find that he is still not at his quota.. he is on his 8th of 10 family. That means our dauighter has atleast 7 half sibs out there somewhere. It has really freaked me out for some reason!

K


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## lmb15

K - how did you accidentally find out about the donor's other families? I know what you mean about it being weird, I wish we were our donor's only family, as selfish as that may be.
Isaac is still poorly but getting better, thanks. He's staying with my parents tomorrow night cis we're at a friend's 30th birthday party. It'll be the first time I've properly drank in nearly 2 years!! Unfortunately for Laura, she's just started stimulating, so can't drink with me!!
I hope you get to start your treatment really soon.
Lisa x


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## nismat

K, really glad to hear your decision is to go for it!   
You'll work out the "small" details like childcare as & when you need to; it's the kind of thing that you can think about ahead of time, but can't actually make a decision about until you're in the situation (because you can't tell exactly what it will be in advance - a lot may change between now and then) - you are definitely thinking too far ahead on that one! 
V glad to hear that you've had such positive responses to your news from your family/friends x


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## Bethany915

Hi Bagpuss

I read your post on the singlies board a few days ago and have been meaning to post a reply.  Glad to hear that you have made the decision to go ahead - very exciting  .  And great that you still have some sperm from the same donor.

I am a little further down the road than you, being single with an LO of 2.5 yrs and now 6 weeks pg.  I can fully understand your reservations about having a second on your own - there are issues that people in couples don't have to worry about - the logistical considerations (like who will look after LO when I am in hospital giving birth?), financial considerations (can I really afford two children at nursery on a single income?) and more emotional considerations (will LO always resent the fact that I have disrupted our cosy twosome existence with a "rival" sibling)?  However, I do think that if you never took any risks in life, you would never do anything.  And people often say it's the things you don't do in life that you will regret, not the things you do do.  In my experience of going through pregnancy, birth and new baby on my own, it takes a bit of forward planning in terms of roping in friends/family to help (and/or paying people to help if that's the only option ), but it is possible.

In your case, if your DD will be staying with your ex for half the week, I would think that will actually make things easier as you can concentrate on the new baby for those days.  And hopefully your DD will be old enough to appreciate a sibling without feeling "pushed out".

Finally, I think you are right to do it now - I started this journey at the age of 39 and although I was very lucky to get pregnant easily with LO, the second time around (at age 42-43) has been a much more long drawn-out and stressful business (and it is early days yet with my pg so things could still go wrong).  If I were doing this again, I would have abandoned the fruitless quest for a partner in my mid-thirties  and started my journey then.  So at 36 at least you have time on your side.

Good luck with it  .

B xx


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## ♥JJ1♥

K wishing lots of your luck on your solo journey,I'm sure in years to come Edie will love being a big sister, and great news on the sperm being available. I think 36 is a good age to start don't wait longer hun, I started at 37 and still ttc at 42-3.
Wishing you lots of luck have you decided iui or ivf?


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## Steph29

Kerry,

I could tell from our chat that you really wanted another LO and are really glad you have decided to go for it, all the other worries ie, childcare will just fall into place as and when.

Lisa, Hope Issac is feeling better soon, think Shay cought his cold as his nose has ran none stop all week.

Emax


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## leoaimee

hay kerry,

im not on ff so much these days but really pleased to hear your news.

interesting/tough reaction (hugs) about the sibs thing, i guess it took you by suprise too - i think im quite exited about lulu potentially having sibs .... think its an interesting bit of donoro conception, and potentially a way for lulu in the future to have some other people who have a connection to her and her donor concieved identity.  olivia from dcn says that most donor concieved children are more interested in meeting and connecting with their dc sibs rather than donor him/herself.  lulu;s donor had no proved fertility before lulu came along so i guess she will be the eldest of future donor sibs.
is that true for edds too?

how did you accidentally find out btw?

all good with us .... there is a poss we might ttc this year too.  maybe same donor maybe different one.  gabs is having a real worry about money/future ... im not really working still.  teeny tiny bit of freelance work but nothing that makes a major impact on household money.  she feels very over stretched and tired.  i feel like one more wouldnt make too much more of an impact on my 'work' load and feel like better to do no 2 while lulu still youngish .... but anyway dont want to hijack your thread ... getting carried away there! 

big hugs axxx


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## bagpuss1

Hey guys,

I found out when I rang the clinic to ask about more sibling sperm... she just blurted out that the donor was on his 8th family! hence atleast 8 half sibs! Im okay about it now.

Ive been having major wobbles about doing this all on my own. I know/think I will be fine but i'm worrying about things like childcare and how many hours to work and whether the sums will add up. Im sure everyone worries about this when they're thinking about number two, its just compounded that there will be only one person bringing in the dosh.

Im still quite excited about it all though.. had my smear done yesterday in readiness for treatment.. I am due and didnt want to get to the clinic and have to wait longer because theyve sent me away for one to be done.

xxx Kerry


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## BecsW

Hi Kerry,
Know we haven't chatted before, hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts...I was 5 when my parents told me they were expecting my brother, up until then I was an only child. All I can tell you is that I was absolutely thrilled that I was going to be having a baby brother or sister and when he came along (at which time I was nearly 6) I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread!! (Still do actually-we have always been the best of pals). 
Also, I know this is slightly different but my friend is single and when her and her fella split she bacame a single mum, later her fella married someone else and they had a baby. My friend was worried about how her son might feel but he loved having a half brother and never felt weird about him and his brother having different experiences in terms of visiting gradparents etc. Kids are so resilient, esp as it is their norm from the get go. 
If it was me I would go for it  
Very very best of luck
Becs


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## jo36

Kerry,

Great news that you are preparing to 'go for it'!! But I do understand your concerns, especially the financial one. I was really worried about our finances too, and there's two of us working (DW full time and me part time) so makes perfect sense to try and do the sums before you get too far, I think, because if it looks good on paper then in reality I'm sure all will be just fine. You'll know how many hours you need to work to be able to bring home enough pennies to provide you and two little 'uns. 

Do you think you will continue with tx even if you use up all your saved sperm then. We always said that once the sibling sperm was all used up then that was it for us re. TTC #2. It kind of put a finishing line on the process. Mind you I won't ever know, I suppose, whether I would have been happy with that arrangement, but seeing that we now know that our donor no longer donates it probably would've been the end. We never wanted one child from an anonymous donor and another from an ID release donor. 

Jo x


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## starrysky

Exciting news Bagpuss - good luck!!


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## bagpuss1

I've just lost a long post Grrr! Today is day one of my cycle and despite having some major wobbles about how crackers I am... I have woken up feeling quite excited about this new journey! I'm arranging for my bloods for Monday and then again for 31st March. I've had my smear done and my referral has gone off tp the hospital. Now its a case of waiting...and waiting...and waiting! Xxx


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## pinkrainbow

hi,been reading your posts,and i am glad you have made your decision to go ahead and try for another baby.everything will fall into place.good luck.


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## bagpuss1

Thank you pinkrainbow,

Scared stiff but it just feels so right, just taking each day as it comes, if my bloods come back as dodgy and no go then that'll be it for me...I have tried and thats all I can do. 

Edie has started to make comments like... When I have a brother or sister........... In her head she WILL have a sibling one day, she obviously doesn't know about my new journey but she would make such an amazing big sister, I just hope that I can make this dream come true for both of us!


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## pem

Kerry, 


loads of luck for this, I really admire you going for this on your own. I yearn for a sibling for my Edie May...wishing you all the    in the world!

em x


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## bagpuss1

Thanks Em,

It has taken me almost three years to feel strong enough to do this. 

The feelings and yearnings have become too strong to ignore. I have to try to do this before I run out of time. Im not likely to find anyone to share my life with any time soon (nor do I want to) and to all intents and purposes, I am already a single mum, Im sure one more will be tough but nowhere near as tiough as the events of the last three years and I have still managed to raise Edie okay (so far)!

How are things gping with you, how is gorgeous Edie doing?

Kerry


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## leoaimee

hay kerry is that a weird coincidence about edie asking about a sib?    fingers xed for bloods   hope it all comes back ace!  ax


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## bagpuss1

Thank you so much, yes it is a weird coincidence that edes has just started asking. Thank you for the good luck wishes xxx


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## bagpuss1

Well bloods so far read as folllows: FSH: 7.1, LH 6.5. Prolactin 122. All well within normal ranges! It's really made my day!!  .

My smear has come back as normal and I now have an appointment on 31st March st the Womens to discuss trying again. Im a little concerned that they wont let me use the sperm as a single person as we used it as a couple before so that my next little hurdle to get over. One step at a time is my new motto!

K


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## Strawbs78

That's fanstastic news!!  What's their normal protocol on stuff like that with the sperm? Can your ex sign a waiver (or similar) to say she is cool with you using it or will you need to get some new stuff?

Wow the 31st will be here before you know it!! How exciting..

x


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## leoaimee

yay kerry thats great news on the bloods x


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## bagpuss1

Well, here I am sat waiting for my appointment to see if I can have treatment here. I've had my day 21 bloods today and my BMI is 30. So far so good...... We shall see


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## nismat

Hope that your consultation has gone well


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## bagpuss1

Its a YES!!!!!! I cried as I left the hospital! He wants me to do stimulated IUI though despite me not wanting to risk multiples. I have to have a few more bloods and then we are good to go. I have the clinic contacting me back tomorrow re consent appointment.

I am so happy but also so scared! One step at a time!!!!


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## nismat

Oh fab news!!! 
Is the consent appointment to do with whether or not you can use the sperm on your own, or is it just to do with the standard consent forms that need to be signed?
I can understand that you don't want to risk multiples; do you actually have any statistics from them on the clinic's own difference in rates of singleton/multiple pregnancies from natural vs stimulated IUIs? Maybe it would help to know the actual figures. Did you do all natural IUIs when TTC Edie, I can't remember now?! 
I think that the key thing with stimulated IUIs is that, because you are triggered, the timing of the IUI should be much more accurate - definitely something positive to keep in mind if you are feeling slightly nervous about the other possible implications. It's not just about hoping to make more than one follicle in a cycle, that doesn't always happen even on a stimulated cycle.


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## bagpuss1

Ooh thanks for that Nismat!

It's just the normal consent form signing I think. Its with the same nurse that we saw before so she knows the situation alot better than the doctor that I saw today. When we split, I phoned her and cancelled any further treatment, I asked her if it would be possible for me to come back as a singly and she said yes. This was a while ago though so we will se what she says.

Yes all my IUIs were natural previously. The cycle that I fell pregnant with E, I only took cyclogest. But I am 5 years older and so are my eggs so we shall see!

I shall speak to the nurse at the ACU to see what she says about stimulated cycles when I consent.

I still think I'm mad but the rush of emotion and happiness that came over me when he said yes was so idicative of how much I want this!!

K


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## Mish3434

Fab news Bagpuss looking forward to reading about your exciting new journey

Shelley xx


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## Strawbs78

Bagpuss that is fantastic, I really am so pleased for you!! I can't wait for your journey to start xx


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## bagpuss1

Thank you so much for your good wishes. I'm having a bit of a wobble tonight, I guess its because it feels so real now. I'm gonna sleep on it tonight and see if my worries settle down. I guess I'm gonna have these moments. If only I didn't have to think and plan things so much!


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## leoaimee

yay!


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## LouisandPhoebe

Hi Kerry
I was reading your posts about having another baby and think its fab.  Do you fancy meeting up soon,  I know we chatted about it but never arranged anything.  Its Easter hols now and were off for a couple of weeks.  

Charley
xx


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## bagpuss1

Thanks guys,

This week has been full of worries and wondering about whether I am doing the right thing! Im so anxious about it all that I am over thinking it and am ending up talking myself out of it! Im talking myself round in circles. I really do want another baby and for Edie to have a sibling. Ive been really hormonal this week. I do also wonder if I am grieving for a two parent family and this is my way of coming to terms with my situation- maybe its part of this process- I might hop onto the singlies thread and start getting myself involved there.

I dont know! I have carried on with the process and have had further bloods done. I have my consenting appointment on 16th May and I have agreed to do 2 natural IUIs and then an IVF with my last go.

Carley, would love to meet up with you- am only off next week with Edie as Helen has her the week after.

K xx


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## Strawbs78

Hi hon this must be a total roller coaster for you but I think you know in your heart of hearts you can do it, want it and will be amazing at it.. I totally take my hat off to you and can't wait to watch your progress.. X


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## Mish3434

Bagpuss, I was totally the same when considering having number 2, I kept changing my mind and wondering if I was ready to go through it all again.  Now number 2 is here i don't know what i was worrying about

Shelley x


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## LouisandPhoebe

I tried to PM but it says your message box is full.  Are you both free this Sunday or Monday?  My parents want the kids on Monday evening till Friday morning, but i am sure i can change it around if your not free on those days.  Having a sibling is the best thing we did for Louis as the two of them are inseperable and i would have another tomorrow but there is no sibling sperm left and Lee wont let me use the embies so i got a puppy instead!
Charley xx


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## bagpuss1

hi guys sorry for my spelling mistakes and grammer, on my new phone amd work out how to post properly! 
Charley, we are free on Monday and would love to meet up. did you have anything in mind?
Ill try and clear my in box xx


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## Fairie

Just wanted to wish you luck!


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## bagpuss1

Well...I chickened out of going through with it all in the end. was in a relationship etc but now single again...my thoughts have turned back to wanting another child. I have contacted the clinic and have arranged to see a counsellor there to thrash out what exactly it is that I want. I know that my family is not complete and Im 37 now (38 in April)so will probably go down the IVF route..Im so scared. Mulling over having another child on my own had such an impact on my mental health last year... seriously dont want that to happen again but then again...what choice do I have? I simply can't go through my life regretting not having tried atleast!


K


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## Pinktink

Hello!

It sounds like it will be a difficult balance, to move ahead with your plans and protect your mental health but the counsellor seems a good first step.

Good luck xx


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## bagpuss1

Thanks Pinktink!

Im gonna start taking folic acid in case I go through with this. I have been thinking about it alot today and have managed not to get myself into a state about it! YAY!!!

My main worry is childcare and what I do when I go back to work (if Im successful of course). Edes was looked after between the two of us with help from Helens mum. Any subsequent child would need to go into childcare... I'm worried about not being able to afford it on my own. I can re-jig my mortgage and I think I could get tax credits to help with nursery fees. It's time to stop trying to control everything...I know what I want and how to get there! its time to actually do it rather than worrying about every little thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K


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