# Am I doing the right thing?



## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I'm a fairly frequent poster on here though I've just changed my username, if you are really interested you can probably look back and see who I am.  But now my username doesn't have my first name in it...

Anyway we've applied to adopt after I had 3 miscarriages, two very early, in the last 2 1/2 years.  The last one was last April and the pregnancy only went to 5 weeks, and the previous pregnancy was even shorter, though the first one was 10 weeks we found out the embryo had died at 5-6 weeks. The second pregnancy was only really confirmed later so I was only a bit wistful about that one, to be honest. I have just found out I'm pregnant again, but I'm only 4 weeks 4 days.  We did think it was unlikely we'd get pregnant again since it's been nearly a year and we've had fertility investigations too.

We are due to go on our adoption preparation course in 2 1/2 weeks.  We would not go on it if I am still pregnant then, clearly, but the last two miscarriages, though upsetting, were kind of expected and we got on with life pretty quickly - in fact, we went to our adoption information evening a few weeks after no 3 and it felt really right and good to be doing that, to be making a positive step.  

What I am thinking is that either we should wait another few days (i.e. till it's longer than the last pregnancy) and notify the agency - they'd have 2 weeks to find someone from the waiting list to fill our places - OR I should wait till I've had my first scan, in 10 days, at which point they would have a week to fill the place.  

If this pregnancy ended in the next few days, I do genuinely think I'd be OK about going on the course, but then maybe asking for a break before we start home study.  But I'm not sure if I could go on the course just a week after finding out the embryo was not OK, i.e. after my scan in 10 days time.

I know it's a bit confusing but basically do you think I'm right in waiting a few days to tell them? Or would it be OK (from their point of view, as well as mine) to wait 10 days, when it would be 1 week before the course?

(Needless to say, I'm a bit nervous - I just had to run to the loo to check I wasn't bleeding, before pressing "post"!)


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, big congratulations on the pregnancy.  Only you can make the decision.  If it was me I would keep quiet about the pregnancy until I reached 12 weeks and then I would let my LA know I wouldn't be proceeding with adoption after all. If the prep course falls within the 12 weeks I would go on it as you never know what will happen with the pregnancy. Good luck.


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## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

I agree with Jennifer and would say nothing go on the prep course. If the pregnancy continues you can drop out of the home study.

Good luck with the pregnancy and congratulations.

Fiona


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I have to say I hadn't even thought about going to the course - I'm not sure how happy my husband would be about that but I'll mention it to him - we already have various hospital appointments etc. and assuming things are OK at 6 weeks, the 8 week one would coincide with one of the prep days I think.

Oh dear, another thing to consider!


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

firstly congrats on your bfp everything crossed fo a positive outcome this time hun

If i was you i would be honest with the sw, but thats because i wouldn't want them to find out later that i didn't tell them (which they will find out from your medicals) as your sw needs to be able to trust what you are telling him/her and i also think it is important to build up a good relationship with your sw coz at the end of the day your future family is in their hands  

this is just my opinion and i'm sure you will do what feels right for you

pam xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Thank you saphy - that does make sense.  If the course had been this week then we could quite honestly say we weren't sure yet but I would feel bad about going along if I was pregnant and not telling them.  We are with a VA and they have at least 3 courses per year so if we miss this one it does not necessarily mean a major delay to the process, if we get back on track in the summer.

When we discussed our initial application with the head of the VA she asked us if we'd be willing to use contraception if we were matched with a child and we said, yes, definitely.  She said it was important not to mess a child up who had already had so many changes and we agreed.  She didn't ask us to use it during the approval process and as I say we weren't too sure we could get pregnant again, so I don't really feel we've done anything they can complain about yet.  But as you say they need to be able to trust us.


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi there,
I think I'm in agreement with Saphy, trust is really important, I probably would tell my SW as although it's likely to delay prep course not horrendously so. Of course we all hope that all goes well for you, keep us posted.
Love Viva
XXX


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Thanks all, well so far so good but very early days yet, we have agreed that if no change by Monday I'll ring them up and tell them we can't come.  I'm not sure if they'll ask why, we haven't been allocated a SW yet so although we have chatted quite a bit with the director I'm not sure I'd want to share something like this with the secretary...


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Well now it looks like we might be losing this one, too.  We thought we'd go ahead with the course if it was this early but now we aren't sure.  Of course you can never predict how you'll feel, so we may wait a couple of days and see.


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

I'm really sorry hun, i don't know what else to say   

pam xx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Well I rang and cancelled yesterday after my husband had spent two days trying to contact VA director.  She was very nice and said if we wanted to withdraw or put it on hold that was fine, we asked to put it on hold.  Don't know where we are going from here to be honest.


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