# Back with Hello and a Very Hard Time!



## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

So sorry I've been awol, my new job turned into quite the nightmare so my apologies I haven't been keeping up with this site. I'm at home ill today and couldn't wait to have the time to check in, but I'm slighly confused, did people change their names? I have many congrats & condolences I'd like to say but I don't want to say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I do hope all is ok? Is there a list of old names and people's new names?

I could really use some support/advice and I hope no one minds my asking especially since I've been away so long. I am having such a hard time in all areas of my life right now and just don't know where to turn.

Work
Firstly, you might remember I took a new job a the beginning of last year as a way to save more. It seemed like a very good employer - good mat leave etc, well there has been way more travel (trekking across the country, or further at least 2x a week sometimes up to 4x a week), loads of hours (60+ most weeks - no overtime, just expected plus work to read over the weekends) and stress. On top of that getting a position in a company that several internal people went for & didn't get has made it much harder to fit in within such a small company, in fact a few have treated me terribly - even senior management stepped in as it was very evident early on. This has not been nice dealing with, as you can imagine. 

Health
As you probably remember I have PCOS, well the traveling and hours plus stress have made it so so terrible that many of the symptoms have come back, weight gain (2 stone!!!), anemia, spots, cysts and my AF has been absolutely terrible. 5 -7 days of vomiting, excruciating pain in my back and tummy, legs that won't stop shaking, having to deep breath and stay in bed. My good friend who lives on the other side of the pond visited for 10 days last month (she was a gyn/obstetric nurse) and she thought it was simply horrific. She said it is like morning sickness and labor with no baby growing inside you and no baby coming out. That was her professional opinion   . It was nice to have validation that it isn't me thinking it is worse than it is! It is so unpredictable that I'm having to try my best to guess and take annual leave, but most months I'm completely off the mark, like this one (I was 1 week late!). I don't want to tell HR or my manager as while my manager is very happy with my performance, I don't want to give her any excuses. Being so ill 5 -7 days a month is just terrible, I know it doesn't sound a lot but it is being in bed for 5-7 days a month. I've tried everything perscription drugs etc. My GP is clueless and keeps saying well try losing 1/2 a stone, but my GYNE is fab she knows the whole PCOS cycle means my weight reduces when my hormones are balanced. The problem is, she is £200 for a consultation although she is so supportive but the drugs which work make me soooo ill that I can't work, so it isn't an option currently. Honestly I feel like making an appointment but think I'll simply cry my eyes out once I get there - this whole trying to save, trying to get my body healthy for IVF/FET, trying to mask being so ill each month and failing miserably! 

Friends
My BF is seeing someone over the last couple yrs who is so selfish, I can't believe the changes in her.   Not just to me but her family, it just breaks my heart! They can't believe it either. My good friend who has been single for a while has met someone and now never wants to get together, or wants to but is only happy to come round because she wants to save all her money to spend on him! She does not need to worry about money, she can afford to work 3 days a week because she has over £400K in inheritance in the bank and a home she inherited with no mortgage, but it feels like she'll only see me if I provide the meal, drinks etc. My other friend met a vicar and has just gone from being so sad about being single to a, what Bridget Jones would say, "smug married". They have a beautiful 5 bedroom home the Church bought them, 3 babies in 3 years and is pregnant again. I honestly want my friends to be happy but what I struggle with is when I was not single they were and I was always there trying to help, sat with them when they were upset as a boyfriend broke up with them etc, sending nice messages, cards, flowers etc. None have been any support at all over the last few months. I do have good friends, very good friends who live far away (mostly in North America as I worked there for a few yrs) but it is not quite the same when you need £1000 to visit each other  

Ex 
Just found out my first true love, well he got engaged over Christmas. 

Adoption 
As some of you know I was adopting but it fell through (the hardest experience of my life!). This would have been the Christmas my child was home. It was a hard Christmas. My adoption group that I started has basically dropped the three of us whose adoptions fell through. I know it is because they are so worried about their own and I guess they don't want the reminder, but it really hurts, especially when I had started this group, supported them through panel, sent gifts/cards etc. I don't think they realize how much it hurts.

I guess I'm just in such a rut I don't know what to do. On the one hand I feel very lucky to have a job in these times, on the other hand it is too stressful and demanding (I have daily deadlines and as a manager it is on my head if they aren't met) and I know that it is making me less fertile. I'd love to quit work and go and rent a room somewhere and simply spend 3-6 months walking, reading, maybe working part time, having accupuncture, eating right, sleeping properly etc and then have my FET (I am hoping for August - October 2009). But if I do that I won't have the savings & home deposit I thought was so important. I guess I keep thinking saving is the most important thing but over the last few months with my cysts etc I'm realizing it is health.  I just don't know what to do. 

I'm so sorry to dump on you all, I just thought this might be the only group of people who get it. 

BTW the funny thing is, my specialist told me that my AF/PCOS problem is most likely to be resolved my pregnancy and birth as it will settle my hormones. Great!


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

I'm going to reply properly when I get home Bluebelle but just wanted to send you a big hug now because it sounds like you need one...more when I get out of the office

Suitcase (previously lauris...long story!)
x


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## Annaleah (May 14, 2008)

First of all big big   and sorry to hear you're having a hard time of it.  It's very frustrating when friends who have cried endlessly on your shoulder about things not going well for them are suddenly nowhere to be seen once they are settled with their own relationships and families (a good chunk of my friends have almost vanished off the radar - not in a thoughtless way but just because they are now so absorbed in their own lives).  A good friend of mine has just bought a gorgeous house in a cemetary which her and hubby are renovating and baby no1 is due in 6 weeks.  I definately felt the pinch of all the somethings I couldn't have (being only one income) when I saw the size of this house in their photos.  So I hope I get a little of where you're coming from.  I'm trying to be resolved to make do with the little I have so long as I can create a happy family of my own..

Re the PCOS, bad AF symptoms etc - I found that the only thing that helped was yasmin (lessened bleeding, pain).  It also seemed to regulate things a bit - never had regular AF and often went for months without - but since I came off it in Nov 06 have had fairly regular cycles at 30-35 days.  It also helped with acne and facial hair, and didn't have an impact on my weight (which the constant having to eat on the road in my current job does).  I asked my GP to refer me to an NHS endocrinologist about 8 yrs ago who has proved to be much more knowledgeable about PCOS that the gynae dept.  

The idea of taking time out to get healthy, take stock etc sounds wonderful - not sure this money driven world will allow.  Does your organisation have a career break policy that won't affect your maternity benefits?
 again
Annaleah


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Suitcases - Oh I'm so pleased to have "found you"! Hopefully there was no bad reason why you all had to change your names. Boy I am out the loop! Thank you for your kind words! 


Annaleah - thank you, I will look for yasmin - do you know where you can get it? I think I will ask for a referral, thanks for the idea.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Back from work now.....

Bluebelle I'm so sorry you've having to deal with all this, life really sucks sometimes doesn't it? It's particularly hard when it feels like there are no good parts of your life and everything is going wrong...when it's just one or two things going wrong, you feel you can cope, but when it's everything....so more big   for you

Now of course I don't really know your circumstances but I'm going to be brutally honest here and say that if you possibly can, I think you should leave work - either on extended (and probably therefore unpaid) leave, or just quit. I know it's not a good time to be out of work (although having said that one or two of my colleagues who were under threat of redundancy from our marketing team found when they contacted recruiters that actually there was quite a lot of work around, but I guess it does depend what type of work you do) but I think your health and happiness have to come first. 

I know it's probably easy for me to say this when I'm not the one who will be affected by no income coming in, but from reading your message, it seems that your job is at the heart of all your problems: it's making you stressed emotionally, and making you ill physically - and that is not good when you are hoping to start ttc soon. If you really feel you can't leave, can you perhaps move sideways into another role, reduce your hours, change some aspect of the role to make it more manageable? Again, without knowing too much about what you do it's hard to make constructive suggestions, but it really sounds to me like you need to change something now before things get even worse...

I think you need to take back a bit of control over your life and right now it seems like your work is controlling you. I've been there too and it's very hard to take the leap and give it up. What are the freelance/temp opportunities like in your industry? Could you make enough money temping to get by whilst you get your health back in order?

Re the friends - so hard isn't it when they all pair off, meet the men of their dreams and it feels like we are being left behind. I don't really have any single friends, although one of my sisters is single and lives locally so I am lucky enough to have her shoulder to cry on when I'm feeling particularly sad (and truth be told more than a little envious of my married friends with their big houses, large families and comfortable lives) 
I know it's not quite the same thing, but we are all here in the wonderful world of the internet so feel free to come here and rant as much as you want

I do hope you feel better soon, take care of yourself, and remember, we're here when you need us,
Suitcase
x

PS name change came about when a Guardian journalist wrote an article about single women ttc and quoted some of us (not me incidentally but some of the girls on here). Now it's a public site so of course she was within her rights, but it had some of us worried that we might be identified - eg by colleagues who did not know what we were doing etc. My previous user name was a bit too similar to my real name so I decided to be a bit careful and change it. Probably over cautious but better to be safe than sorry!


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Welcome back Bluebelle, I'm really sorry that things haven't turned out as you had hoped and you have been having such a stressful time over the last several months. Sending you loads of    .

Lou-Ann x


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## Roo67 (Feb 12, 2007)

Hi Bluebelle - I'm still here and didn't change my name   Must be a little confusing wondering who is who.

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time at the moment - feel free to rant on here as much as you like it really does help to put things down into words.

Roo x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hi Bluebelle

Sorry its all so hard at the moment for you...sending you lots of    . Think the others have given some good advice but no easy answers is there.

take care.
xx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Hi Bluebelle - I'm pretty new to the site - no name change here!  

Just wanted to give you some     and    .  Sounds like you've had a dreadful time lately and limited support from those who should be staunch pals in tough times.    I hope you start seeing light at the end of the tunnel very soon.  A-Mx


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## Mifi (Sep 27, 2008)

Hi Bluebell

Just wanted to give you hugs as really sounds like you need them     I agree with Suitcase and Coco although very tough and no easy answers    Hope things improve for you soon 

Love FM XX


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Hi Bluebell
Welcome back hun, and so sorry to hear that you have been going through such an stressful time on all different fronts. I can only echo what the girls have said we are here if you need us. 
L x


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Thank you so much for all your replies and support, boy did I need them! 

Suitcases (thanks for explaining the name thing!) I think you are very right re my job. At this point I can never even get to an appointment without taking annual leave (and even then there is a 75% chance I'll be asked not to take leave - that is how demanding my manager is!) so the reality is even though the job isn't good for me now, it will be a lot worse when I'm ttc.  I think I need some time out followed by work, preferrably part time that lets me focus somewhat. 

Coco that's a good idea re going to the GP, hadn't thought of that. I feel a bit weak admitting I am simply finding this job too much especially with my PCOS. But the reality is my department used to be 4 full time people now it is just me full time doing mine plus the other three people's jobs. It is simply too much and my body is really really showing signs. 

Thank you again for all your support. I'll let you know how it goes. Either way I have a minimum of another 9 weeks at my organization but I guess knowing there is an out really helps.


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## Bluebelle Star (Feb 5, 2008)

Forgot to say welcome to all the new people! It is so wonderful to see how this "room" is growing!


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi Bluebell and welcome back, sorry to read that you've had a really hard time of it lately...
Hey you're in the right place to talk to those who understand.

Take care
Mini x x x


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Hello Bluebelle - just wanted to say welcome back and sorry that you have been having such a hard time at work.  It really makes me fume that people get treated so badly by their employers (and in your case colleagues too).  It really does sound like this job is dominating your life and making everything else so much more difficult.  I think you could really do with some time off sick to step away from the madness and take stock - I am sure that there is something far better out there for you  

Some1

xx


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## muddypaws (Apr 10, 2008)

Hi Bluebell,
Thinking about the whole job issue, your HR department ought to be able to talk confidentially to you about your role. These days, companies are much more worried about stress and ill health given the possible employment tribunal and legal implications. It might be worth talking to them about how the job is exacerbating your PCOS, they could ask their occupational health team to assess you or you could refer yourself possibly. The Occ Health team ought to be able to advise on what is manageable for you in your job and advise your manager on changes to your job that is required, either temporarily or permanently. If they don't comply with this, there ought to be policies to assist you in following a formal grievance route if necessary. However, I am aware that I am saying this from the point of view of someone who works for the government, who have to take health issues seriously. Maybe you don't have an Occ Health team? Anyway, when I was particularly stressed (staff issues that are now coming to a head with an employment tribunal next week...feel sick at the thought of it!) Occ Health were able to give guidnace to my manager as to reduced hours etc for a period of time....also it was when I just found out I was pregnant and they took this into account without telling my manager and suggested a longer period of reduced hours. 

If this isn't an option, have to say I agree with Suity that finding a new job may have to trump saving for the house. As long as you can afford the fertility treatment, maybe the reduced money will be the compromise....not that you should have to do this. Alternatively, get a job in the NHS and get good maternity leave, sick leave and an occ health dept that will support you in tailoring a job to your health needs!!! Money ain't that good though unless you have a vocational qualification...although a management rather than clinical job might be an idea!

Friends....bah humbug to some of them I'm afriad. Had a rubbish experience recently with that too, though thankfully still have some great close friends who are really supportive. Can empahtise with the feeling that everything seems to go bad all at once......luckily for me, bubba came along just as I was about to throw meself off beachy head!!

         

Muddy x


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