# My friend's offer.....



## LauraLLL (Feb 9, 2011)

Ok, now I am getting a bit ahead of myself here, but here goes....

My DH and I have been ttc for nearly 2 years and they've been 2 of the worst of my life.
The disappointment is crushing us, we can think of nothing else, I'm obsessed with having a baby.... it's just been an awful, stressful, sad, miserable time.
You can see on my history that we're still having consultations and we're on the IVF waiting list.

The list is between 18 months - 3 years. THREE YEARS. I cannot imagine another three years of this miserable half-life.

So... my best friend has offered to have a baby for us. 
Her girlfriend has a little boy and she does not want a baby of her own (she has never wanted kids).

Now, this would involve my DH's sperm and her eggs - it would biologically be her and my DH's baby. I would, of course, be the baby's Mother and my BF would not be involved with the baby's upbringing, other than being a loving Auntie.

This offer is amazing, and the spontaneous, impatient part of me thinks - this would be another chance for us to have a baby. It's another option. Imagine if she conceived straight away and we didn't have this emptiness and agony any longer.

But the other part of me isn't convinced. It would be THEIR baby - would I be jealous? How would I feel if the baby looked like her? Would I feel a failure if my DH got her pregnant but not me?
Or would the gorgeous baby - my darling husband's baby - be the only thing that mattered?
After all, I couldn't live with knowing that I'd stopped my DH from having the chance of being a father.

Now, like I said, I'm jumping the gun a bit. We're still seeing our doctor, ttc and I'm hoping to have the lap&dye.
But I can't stop thinking about my BF's offer... and I would love to hear what you guys thought.

Laura


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi Laura

Can I ask have they deemed your own eggs unsuitable for getting pregnant?
Have you had any fertility tests such as fsh/amh?

It may not be ideal but it is possible to go to very reputable clinics overseas for OEIVF if that is an option for you.

x


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## LauraLLL (Feb 9, 2011)

No, I haven't had any tests except the 21 day blood test and the HSG.

This is all much further down the line, I was just curious to hear what people thought.

 Laura x


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi

I think it is such a generous offer on your friends part but if you are concerned that you might be jealous because it is your friend's eggs I think I would be inclined to arrange to pay privately for basic fertility tests such as amh/fsh, antral follicle count etc. Perhaps if you can't afford to do this privately see if your GP could refer you to your local hospital to have some of these tests done even if you have to wait a while for your time to come up for NHS IVF. That way you would know at least if it is possible to use your own eggs at this stage and it might help in making your decision.

For me, I think I would need to explore whether it would be possible to use my own eggs before taking up my friends offer and perhaps because you are wondering if you would be jealous of any child conceived between your partner and friend this might help you decide the best action for you. 

Did your HSG and 21 day test say everything was fine? 

Lots of good luck with your decision

xxxx


xxxx


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## LouGhevaert (May 18, 2009)

Hi Laura

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time.

Your friend's offer raises all sort of issues that need careful thought and consideration.  She would be biologically related to your child and by carrying the pregnancy for you she would also be legal mother at birth.  You would then have to go through a post birth parental order application to reassign parental rights to yourself and extinguish her legal status for your child.  You would also need to give thought to birth certificate arrangements and the practicalities surrounding the pregnancy and birth as well as other matters.  

You would also need to manage you friendship with your friend with great care - as this would (as you say) introduce a new dimension to your relationship with her. The whole surrogacy context would also impact upon your relationship with your husband, wider family and friends - it can be an incredibly empowering and wonderful situation but it is best to proceed with care and understanding of all the issues (including the legal position) in advance. 

You may also want to have further medical investigations and further explore your own prospects of conceiving and carrying a pregnancy before you make a final decision about the best way to proceed - especially as it is such a big decision to make.

Best of luck 

LouGhevaert


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I think that your friend's offer is very generous but it would be far to early to comtemplate surrogay as you may (hopefully) nbe able to carry your own baby with IVF/immunes/DE's in the future, really you are at the very beginning of an assisted conception journey! If I were you I wouldn;t have given up on my own body at this stage I was at your stage 6 years ago and still haven't entered into surrogacy

L x


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