# Not sure where we go from here...?



## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear All
Well, for all of the preparation courses we go on, no one can prepare you for the moment your adopted children tell you they don’t want to live with you.
It has been an awful few months and we’re only just beginning to come to terms with what has happened… at least ‘our’ girls are settled and happy back with their Foster Parents.
It’s a long story and I don’t want to ramble, but I just wanted to say that I wish I’d known that this could happen.
We were matched with two sisters aged 7 & 8 and to begin with everything went well, but as soon as the Introductions started shifting away from their Foster Parents' and their 'Moving In' date began to loom (it was moved because of various problems), things went wrong.
I see all of your stories on here and I’m so envious to hear how happy you are with your children. ‘Our’ girls just wouldn’t settle away from their Foster Parents and were becoming so distressed it was awful. They’d been with them for over three years and due to a chain of unfortunate events, the girls don’t seem to have been prepared for the move.
It’s been like a grieving process, every now and then I come across a hair scrunchie or a sock and I get a bite-on-the-bum, but it is getting better. We just try to tell ourselves that it was for the best. One good thing to come out of it is that, if anything, it has brought DH and I closer together.
Our SW has been great through it all and very supportive (I’ve not always been a big fan of hers, but she’s really shown her true colours) and has told us that it isn’t the end of the road for us with adoption, but it won’t be easy for us to try again as it is a ‘black mark’ against us that this adoption was ‘disrupted’ (even though it has been agreed by everyone involved that it was destined to fail and it was in the girls’ best interest to stay where they are).
I don't know what to do next. We do still want to adopt but feel a bit numb by it all and wondered if anyone else had gone through this and had a good outcome?
Sorry, I said I wouldn’t ramble and I have… 
Love to all
E


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## MtnGoat (Dec 5, 2007)

E, how awful for you and DH   

sorry, I can't offer any advice as we are just thinking about adoption at the mo & I usually only lurk on the adoption threads

Goaty x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

EML masses and masses of  to you 

I am so sorry this has happened hun   I am glad your sw has shown you some support 
I am sorry that the girls werent properly prepared for the move, that is essential and it should never not happen. 

I know there is one member who has a placement breakdown, not sure if they are online much but hope some of the others can support you also at this difficult time 
xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

EMl can't offer any advice but didn't want to read and run. sending you massive    

pam x


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

EML, so sorry to hear of the awful time you've had it must have been so hard for all of you     

I'm glad your SW has been supportive. I hope any future match works out well for you   

CG xxxx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi

I remember you being matched to your girls.

First of all PLEASE do not blame yourself for this break down and I think it is ridiculous that it will go down as a black mark against you and your DH when you have done nothing wrong!!

I admire your strength and courage and the acceptance of your girls being happier with the FP.

We fostered a ababy girl via concurrency and she was returned to  her BPS which we knew could happen and did happen.............BUT it took me a long time to realise that she belonged to her BPS and that is why I admire you for your positive thoughts about the girls so soon after they have been returned.

As for where do you go from here..............you already know..........you carry on along this path to adoption and your family BUT you just don't know when.


As for prep courses and being prepared for this if it did happen I agree with you....................there is a member on here who has experienced the break down of a placement and I think she occasionally posts so I am sure she will offer you some support and maybe words of wisdom once she sees your post.

Keep being positive, being strong and you will get through this.

I wish you lots of luck, your family are waiting fore you.

Love
Andrea
xxr


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

The things they fail to warn you of  

So sorry to hear how things have gone for you, and sorry for the girls too to have been put through the unnecessary stress if SS agree they shouldn't have moved  

This should no way go against you, if anything I think it should be seen as a positive that you put the girls needs before your own    

So very sorry things worked out the way they did and I really hope you can dust yourself down after you have grieved for them, it will take time but you will get there   Just give yourselves time


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi EML,

I am sorry to read your sad news I hope you can continue on your road to finding your family and that it isnt held against you, it must be very difficult to move children of that age whom are already settled with the foster family and after 3 years! 

take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

Dawny

xxx


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi EML,
Iam so sorry for what you and DH and the girls are going through. As someone has already said you are never told about the risk of this sort of thing happening. I'm sure the thoughts of everyone on here will be with you.
Take care JD x


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

I just wanted to add my sincere condolences to you adn your family.  it must have been the most hearbreaking thing to agree to them moving back into foster care.  but you are right - they shoudl never have been moved in the first place and that means that none of this is your fault and, for all it wasn't their wish, I am sure the girls will have had many happy memoiries of their time with you to add into their life story.  As for you, if you decide to apply again then you will be much more aware of the issues these type of children face and that should make you 'better' parents for the future.

I have known others who have gone through disruption and it rarely is the fault of the adopters.  Please take care of yourself and, if you want to chat to others who have been through similar, please see the Adoption UK website message boards (adopters) and just search for disruption or post asking for threads to be bounced for you to read.

Ineffectual but well meaning hug,  Magenta xx


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

EML so sorry to hear your news

sending you  

ritz


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## Nefe (Jan 6, 2008)

so sory to hear your news EML {{{{HUG}}}}

Nefe
xx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

im so very sorry to read your post eml.  wish i knew what to say.  

take care

lots of love camly x x x  x x x


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## mollyk (May 18, 2003)

So sorry eml.


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## jane39 (Apr 3, 2009)

Hi Sorry to read your post,

I can offer a little ray of hope I have a friend who had a dirupted placement of a little girl who was 4. Sw all said it was their fault and all were far from supportive. However she stuck to her guns, it was destined to fail and she held out for something that felt right. Just recently she has been matched with a baby and all is going well..... 

There is hope and you will realise your dream just hang in there..... 
  

jane x


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## Guest (Oct 16, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear your news.

Big ((hugs)) and I hope you and your DH can find a way through this difficult time.

Bop


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Hi, extremely sorry to hear your news.  How awful for everyone concerned.  Don't know if my story is of much use to you but thought I would add it just in case.

Our ds2 was in a disruptive placement before we were matched with him.  He was taken to his new family on his first birthday and returned later in the evening of the same day    as dw found him too much of a responsibility as he was so young.  They decided they needed an older school age child to fit in with their lifestyle.  Although we were informed what had happened, never once did the sws hold it against them to us and repeatedly said it was better that they had been honest that ds2 was not the child for them.  DS2 was certainly the child for us so it all turned out ok in the end.

Many older children are harder to place and it makes perfect sense that they attached to their foster carers as they were there so long.  I see you are approved from 0-7.  Personally I would try and adopt under age 2 if possible as they are more flexible at that age and happy to be cared for by anyone who will act lovingly towards them.  Hope that doesn't sound too brutal towards older children and I may be totally wrong but that is my thoughts on it.


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