# Single woman looking for a 'Known Donor' and some guidance on first steps



## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

Hi, I am new to fertility friend and also to investigating having a child by donor. I have thought about it for a while, always hoped I would have a family with someone but I am 39, single, and need to be realistic about my situation. 

I am not too sure how good my fertility is, I attended a LWC open evening and was told given my age I may be better jumping straight to IVF or though would rather try IUI? Am I being unrealistic? 

I have thought about using a sperm donor bank but really rather find someone who is known, is there anywhere I can look for a guy who would be interested in being a known donor? I am open to the donor being gay or heterosexual and if they want to just donate and have v limited involvement or have a more active role. I know its possibly a more complicated route and there is the question of tests and legal agreements but it is the route I feel more comfortable with. I just do not know where to start looking!

Help and advice really appreciated. Its all new and a little overwhelming. I have posted on new board and understand best to also ask on the single girl and gay/lesbian board...

Wendy


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## anna the third (Jan 15, 2008)

Dear Wendy, Sorry, I can't actually help as I don't know the answers but I wanted to drop you a note and wish you well. I am older than you and SO wish that I had got on with it a few years ago with a donor, but there we have it. Well done you. One thing that stopped me was that I had a bad feeling about IVF and thought it would be grim to go though on my own. Having done it now (admittedly with my husband) frankly it's nothing in comparison to my expectations - next to no pain, or side effects from the drugs though you do have to manage your expectations when testing certainly. please don't even think twice about those aspects - there truly is nothing to worry about medically. I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to give you the info - this was just to wish you luck and to say that I for one am totally convinced it is the right thing to do, so go for it. xxx


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

thankyou anna. x


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## snagglepat (Sep 13, 2004)

I posted this to someone else recently, but if you've run through your male friends and fund no-one you'd be comfortable working with then the most likely place for success at the moment seems to be this place: http://www.sperm-donors-worldwide.com/

There is a lot to think about when using a known donor, and it might be worth you deciding exactly where your boundaries lie before you start opening the door to potential donors. It helps to be able to be absolutely up-front from the start about your, and their expectations. It might help to read more about the implications and possibilities. There's a book called 'It's a family affair' by Lisa Saffron. It's a few years old now so some of the legal stuff is a touch out of date but for the most part it's still valid. It's written from a lesbian perspective but it covers the different types of donor relationships, the kinds of tests that are useful, use of contracts etc, and has quite a few case studies too. It might be a good starting point for you to work out where you jump from in terms of finding and negotiating with potential donors.

I know what you mean about feeling most comfortable following this route though. It was the only way we ever wanted to go. It took time to find our donor, and then a lot longer to actually conceive, but we got there in the end and we couldn't be happier. We're going up to Lancashire next weekend and will meet up with our donor for the second time since our daughter was born. He has minimal contact and no responsibility, but we wanted our daughter to know her donor, however distantly. Any questions she has about him can be answered when she has them, possibly even by him so she'll never have any unknowns about her own biological heritage. I know this idea doesn't work for everyone, but we wouldn't want it any other way.

Good luck - you've come to the right place for information too. 

Gina. x
/links


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

Hi all, 

Thankyou for the messages. I need to think about approaching my friends again to see who they know and trying harder that way to find a known donor. 

I have asked a few friends but maybe too informally as whilst one or two have spoken to people they know and one guy did consider the idea...I think the approach suggested of a email/letter which asks for them to think about who they know and to help me in my 'search' may have more impact. 

I understand what you mean about the level of access, if you already know someone its so much easier as there is a comfort there. I guess I need to also think more about the boundaries. 

Its starting to sink in that it could be a long process! 


Wendy x


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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

Hi Wendy

Just wanted to wish you luck and say don't forget to think about managing the legalities once you have found a donor but before you conceive.  It's wise to be alert to your position from the start and to consider your options for protecting each other against unwanted interference and financial responsibility.  The best way forward legally really depends on how much involvement you agree with your donor, but whatever you decide in this respect, there are things you can do to help ensure things don't go wrong, and to protect yourself in case they do.

I don't know whether we met at the LWC open evening you came to - if so hello, and sorry if you've heard me banging on about all of this already!

Good luck!

Natalie
[email protected]


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

Hi Nat, 
No definitely something I will speak to you about if I find a known donor! Struggling with that process at the moment as networking with friends is gaining a mixed reaction and there do not appear to be any small sites for finding known donors in london. The larger sites are a little overwhelming. 
Also if I find a known donor and we are tested up front but I am willing to take the risk on not testing 6 months forward do you known if there any clinics in London who will accept us for IUI, IVF? I am concerned about the time delay this creates. 
Kind Regards
Wendy


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

Thanks Gina x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Wendy I also asked the clinics to waiver/ said I'd be happy to sign the 6 months quarantine issue, but LWC, Bridge etc wouldn't as it is a HFEA requirement.  I also had been TTC with my known donor at home and we had had sexual health test before embarking on this all at home way before touching the clinics so had shared bodily fluids -  it does require a lot of trust between parties and a knowledge of their intimate lives, like i know his partner of 15 years, their relationship history, their families I'm not sure I'd be as trusting with someone I didn't know well, as it is not just me it is my baby! 
L x


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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

You almost certainly won't be able to find a clinic willing to waive the 6 month quarantine period - it's an HFEA requirement, and designed to protect the child as much as you so you can't sign liability away.  

Natalie


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## wendy e (Jul 18, 2008)

thanks Natalie. just trying to establish the logic. If a couple want IVF neither party requires 6 month quarantinee and where I use a tested donor I do not need quarantinee? I think I understand but find it a bit illogical as had a previous partner who unfortunately lied about his sexual behaviour and I am guessing he would have been ok to try for IVF with even though he was actually high risk whilst if I meet a possible donor tomorrow they are automatically considered a higher risk? 
sorry to ask lots of questions. thankyou wendyx


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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

The logic can seem a bit wierd, but to explain, the rules say that all sperm has to be quarantined, with the exception of partner-sperm.  That balances the desire to protect all involved where a third party (i.e. the clinic) is involved in the conception, with the desire not to be disproportionate and interfere in marriages/ relationships.  Does that make any more sense?  Probably not!

Natalie


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