# Questions for Adopters



## rosex86 (Nov 26, 2008)

Hi ladies,

So were still in an ongoing saga with our journey at the moment.

Our SW is keen for us to meet with local adopters to discuss how they managed their relationships during the matching process, during introductions and when LO's were placed.

so if anyone would like to share how they feel they managed it would much appreciated. Apparently going through an infertility journey, 3x failed IVF's, 2 family deaths, and a difficult situation for my partner (which i won't go into detail on here) isn't enough to show how we come together as a strong unit and communicate in times of stress....who knew!

this is what we need to discuss the trials, tribulations and demands that adoption brings to a couple's relationship. Prospective adopters usually find this a really valuable experience and it will give further evidence of your commitment in preparing yourselves.

Thanks

xxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Rose

Like you say, we had already been through enough and had no concerns about our relationship following placement. 
A couple of things that we do that help us / could be worth saying are : -  
1. we never undermine or criticise the other for their parenting. If I think DH is making a fuss over something not worth it, or vice versa, ie I'm doing the same, we just talk about it when the children are in bed. We are very respectful and kind to each other. We discuss the day and any issues we struggled with often. 
2. Also we have been making time for each other. Once the kids are in bed asleep we have had a babysitter and gone out a few times now. We have a really good laugh and reconnect. 

Hope this helps 
GG xxx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi Rose,
What I would say is don't underestimate the stress that a new lo creates. We had been through pretty much the same as you coupled with a father in law with mental health issues leading to us having to get power of attorney, sort out his debts, take on a house he'd been left that he wasn't living in but was hoarding so much stuff in and was in an uninhabitable state. So we had to empty all that, clear the place and gut the place ready for builders to sort out and take on a mortgage to do so. So we'd pretty much had a huge amount of stress and yet we were stronger than ever. We are a couple that very rarely argue.
Yet when our lo was placed the first 2 weeks were an absolute hell for our relationship. It's so difficult finding your way in your new roles and responsibilities and certainly early on your priority us very much your lo and you forget about each other. Fortunately it was only a couple if weeks before we sat down and talked things through but we knew it would be hard but never imagined for a second after everything we'd dealt with that we could feel so fragile so quickly. It was an extremely sobering experience.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Id echo the others - adoptive parenting can really push your relationship more than the "normal" route to parenting as your LOs tend to be their own little person already and realistically they need to bond of one of you first before they can make other relationships. The ability to split couples can start very very young and LOs are extremely good at getting into this mix.

It's worth thinking this through and developing strategies. 
X


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

One tip is to make sure you have routines sorted out not just for LO, but for Mummy and Daddy, too - be clear on who is doing bath/bedtime on which days, who is making up feeds when, who is cooking, cleaning, how the duties are split.

Be very, very, clear that the person staying at home during adoption leave is also doing a job.    They shouldn't be expected to pick up more chores just because they're at home.

I really think hashing some of this out beforehand makes a big difference.  People can think they're on the same page, but can make massive assumptions....

Just going through those things and still being together isn't all the job.    You need to be able to list an articulate what you have learned and how you handle things now.  E.g, from our experience.:-

Financial difficulties:- moved to shared accounts, clear, written, detailed monthly budget, shared spending decision making. Not hiding worries.

Loss and bereavement:-  combination of giving space and sharing how we feel closely.  Recognising that grief felt deeply by one person can be disenfranchising to the other party.  Taking joy in little things and making time for light hearted fun.  Being able to talk openly about memories and emotion, both happy and sad.

Etc etc.  

Good luck!


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## rosex86 (Nov 26, 2008)

Thank you all for your help it really did help!

We were officially approved today  xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Congratulations that's great news Rose. Exciting times ahead. 

Good luck with next stage of finding the "one" xxx


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