# Things to consider before ivf...wish i had



## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi
i embarked on fertility tests age 35, after a few years of ttc. My husband was 41 when testing began. As everyone on here probably knows its a slow process and we were fortunate that from first going to gp in the nov, tests and diagnosis on nhs were complete by april. It was decided that it was due to a small fibroid in lower womb. Consultant decided to.ignore lab request to resample semen, said 'mar test' not something  relevant. We were advised ivf only route and waiting list approx 9 months. By then we were on the rollercoaster and decided we could just about fund 1 round of treatment privately. Consultant there saw no reason why iui couldnt be tried, as after scan he said fibroid was not in a place to interfere with implantation. So another semen sample was required as precaution. T call next day, mar test showed almost 100% antisperm antibodies which interferes with ability to penetrate egg and fertilise. Icsi was best hope. Attended to discuss and do all required legal stuff, i was ok age wise for treatment. Started on downreg and stims. Got around 13 eggs with 6 fertilising. 2 transferred buy bfn. 
Waited for nhs and we were successful after 2 attempts. Beautiful girl who we adore.
The reason i write is to say please please consider your age and your husbands age. What age will you be when they are teens, graduate etc. At no point did my dh and i consider this and sadly its not discussed at clinic. In jan this year i discovered a breast lump. Thank the lord it is only a cyst. But it got me thinking.....my dd will only be 16 when dh is 60. And whilst dh father is a fit 75 what comfort would that be to an only child of 16. Poor dd would feel ill at thought of being left without a father. Any age discussion during ivf is only ever about egg quality and hormone levels in female. Why oh why when someone of later years embarks on this do they not at least ask you to consider what age you will be during childs teen or young adult years. If you are comfortable with that and perhaps have other children or extended family, then fine. 
Sadly we have neither. Dd has no siblings and as i am only child also, no close family on my side. Dh has brother who is now a papa and is younger than my dh. They live about an hour away so dd doesnt see 2nd cousins on regular basis to be really close.
I am making myself sick with worry over will we survive long enough to see her settled? What if we dont who will look out for her? Will she feel fear of our ages once she is a teen? Will she end up resenting us or depressed at what might happen? I know there is no guarantee that young parents wont die young but the odds are in their favour that they will see child settled and mature enough not be emotionally or financially reliant on them. 
I wish to god i had thought of all this before, perhaps then i would have used by husbands age as cut off for ttc. Sadly more illnesses happen in 50-60 age group when child is still heavily dependant on you.
Im sorry to go on i just feel angry with myself and dh for not giving all this any thought. I feel strongly that this should at least be part of the discussion had at clinic, after all if you adopt age is discussed for cut off of age group that can adopt baby.....and for the reasons mentioned. Also during adoption application you need to show you have a support network but again not mentioned at ivf. I never realised the importance of support network until lump was found. Now i worry if anything happens to one of us who will help remaining partner should they fall ill.
Please please consider all these things. And if you are happy with answers go for it, you will have made an informed decision. I so wish we had. I feel i have brought this innocent little girl of mine into this world to have elderly parents and no family network, should she not be settled with own partner. That scares me at 43 never mind the young age she will be when we are in mid 60's. Feel ive made dreadful mess of timing and if this can help one person its been worth posting.


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## shortbutsosweet (Feb 14, 2011)

Megan,
Interesting post, congrats on successful treatment. I have just turned 40 and my partner is 35 and yes we wish we had had fertility investigations earlier but we didn't. My partners father became a father as a teenager and unfortunately died 10yrs ago and left 3 grown up children which continue to be affected by his death. My mother died when I was in my 30s and I miss her so much. My point? Cherish the time you have don't stress on things you can't control


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## pmc (Nov 15, 2010)

My parents had me naturally at the age of 41 and so did my husbands parents. We are both the youngest of a large family. I lost my Mum when I was 22 and my dad when I was 33, my Husband lost his parents at a later age than me.
You never know when we are going to die.  Like 'shortbutsosweet' has said Cherish the time, and dont stress.
Also it isnt for the fertility clinics to discuss your age it terms of, if you are going to live long enough to see your children grow up. They probably assume you have thought of that before you embark on IVF, etc. It is up to the individual to call it a day and nobody else.
Alot of people on here have more than likely thought about this situation before, including me, I am 41 and awaiting a preganacy test on 11th March, and hoping and praying that it is a postivie result, after 2 other fails.


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

It is something I have and do think about.
My mum had me at 39 after 17 years of marriage and the only thing they did in those days was lap and dye and luckily she got pregnant one month later.
I am a blessing to my mum and dad and I know I made them so happy. They were suffering from IF and it was very hard for mum watching all her sisters have several children.

I lost her when I was 28. She died first, the youngest of her 3 other sisters. She was struck down by motor neurone disease. Luckily she saw me get married. I brought my wedding forward knowing her end was near and it was only 4 months after the wedding that she died.

My Dad is still going strong 11 years later and he is now 81. He was 42 when I was born.

I moved 60 miles away from all my aunt's family so do not see much of them now. The family has got so big that no one hosts huge parties any more. Many have moved abroad.

I do worry that my LO will have few family. My DH is struggling with the donor issue, so it fills me with apprehension about what might happen if I were to die and he was left to bring up LO.

As others have said though, you can't keep worrying about it all. Life is life.

Some of my cousins lost their mother at 42 when they were late teenage/ early 20s. She got cervical cancer and died of it.

I think if you don't drink/smoke, keep your weight healthy, attend to blood pressure, get health checks for diabetes, cholesterol, heart complaints, breast disease, bowel disease and smear tests etc and take lots of exercise, then you are doing all you can to stay healthy into old age. Of course you can be struck down. I work in ICU and I see lots of very young parents struck down and die. It is life. There are plenty of elderly people who are extremely healthy and modern medicine is advancing every day. Keep positive!


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi and thanks to everyone who replied. I keep telling myself to be positive, i was until i found lump in jan, then my whole world changed. It was only then i realised what a vulnerable situation my little one had. But you are right young parents can be struck down and older people can survive into 80's.
I wouldnt be feeling so awful about situation if i had siblings with kids, id feel more comfortable knowing she had a family support network. 
Yes i know its probably assumed ivf clients have considered age etc, its too easy to get caught up in the rollercoaster of emotions, thats why i think part of ivf counselling would do well to include impact of age and support network. If the do it for potential adoptees then i think its a good idea to do for ivf clients. Both processes are equally emotional and we dont always think with our heads at times like that. 
Its only now in my 40's that i wish i wasnt an only child, never bothered me when younger. Now i long for a big family, safety and comfort in numbers, a sense of belonging. Wish i had tried for kids younger and then dd would have a sibling, that would be a tremendous comfort. But as everyone on here knows we spend a long time trying not to get pregnant, only to discover we cant have a baby when we want to, let alone two or more!
Hang in there everyone and wish you every success for bfp outcomes. Me, well ive got to try and get over my fright, move on and start enjoying the life i have again rather than being afraid of the future. This website is a tremendous support to us all and thank you all for listening to my fears. X


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I think you have a point.  My friends boyfriend is 32 he is an only child.  His mum died about 3 years ago at the age of 60 some odd, his father is 95   .  He has no family he can rely on and spends a lot of time worrying about his dad who lives a long way away.  I dont know why he is an only child or why his parents are a lot older but i do know that life is a struggle for him.  


But saying that life is what it is! if that makes seance.  I am one of 4 and only have one parent.  When my dad died i did have my 3 brothers to help me through.  But now one of my brothers lives aboard, one is a lot younger and the other i don't really connect with.  So i think despite age if i was lucky enough to have a child  and something happened to me or my dh we would be in a sticky situation.  I think the age thing is not always the point i am 32, but don't have a lot of family and probably not family who could take a perspective child.  My mum is great but is not that young herself.


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi Alice
thank you so much for your kind words. Its such a worry isnt it. Kids eh!! I had hysterectomy last year, huge fibroid that grew and caused alot of trouble when pregnant, so knew another go at ivf wasnt option for us. I do so wish we had embarked on surrogacy or adoption of baby before i turned 40, Yet another thing to kick myself about!! I am 43 and dh 49 now, dd about to be a big 5yo, so with the preferred 2/3yr gap we might be able to be considered for a child of toddler years. I too have been reading that might be better to wait until dd bit older. She would so love a little bro or sis. She is so good with younger kids. Spent today with 2nd cousins and she had a ball looking after them, ages 2 and 3. If dh was nearer mid 40's i would look into surrogacy but feel time is running out now.
Are you having any joy with surrogacy? Is there a waiting list as such? Im so glad Im not the only one who worries!
X


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi

My mum and dad are only children, I was their last child. They had no aunts, uncles and cousins nor did we. My Dad was 48 when I was born and I cherish the time when I was a teenager and came home and my dad was there for me at a time when I needed him most probably. He died last year at 90, my grandad died at 105, my grandma at 95. I have other friends whose parents were teenagers when they were born and died in their early 30's.

Also read in the paper at the weekend about a couple who adopted two children (from China I think). The couple are in their 50's and they adopted these children after their biological children had left home. They said they love being parents second time around and their natural children love their adopted children.

xx


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi coweyes! Know what you mean, my friend has an older sister and they are not close. Friend makes all the effort for little reward back. Itsvtrue thete is no guarantee that siblings will be close but i would hope when things get rough its a comfort to know thete is someone thete who shared growing up and memories with you rather than thinking you have no-one about who is family. I have some wonderful friends but i have been getting pangs of envy when they tslk about helping out family. Its just nice to have a constant in life i suppose!
Want to wish you every success with treatment. Will keep everything crossed for you.
X


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Wow fraggles you have longevity in your genes! Thank you for that. My husbands aunts and uncles are all fit and in their 79's and early 80's so i hope and pray to gid that he is blessed with same good health and zest for life.
X


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi One of my friends daughters is an only child and she said to me the other day that her daughter and her best friends are more like sisters than friends are so close. So she may end up with a friend from childhood who whilst may not be a sibling is still there for her every step of the way.
Lots of love
xxx


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Thank you fraggles! I do hope for that and have been encouraging her to invite friends from pre school for play days........bedlam but will be worth the efgort to help her forge good friendships! 
Good luck with everything. Please post and update! Xx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

It is very true that you can choose friends, but not family.
My DH has a brother, but they are not close and he has lived in Australia for nearly 20 years. I really don't think he could be relied upon to pop over. One of my mum's sisters also lived in Australia.

When my mum died my Dad was in a heap. My friends rallied round me.

As far as I know you are allowed to adopt a child 45 years younger than yourself as a guideline.

I hope you find a way to resolve your fears.


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## beadle1 (Jul 7, 2010)

Megan,
Just wanted to add a few more things. (Ran out of space on previous posting!)
I have recently seen a very good Counsellor, which is advisable when considering different options or even tackling your own feelings surrounding the worries you have.  I feel much calmer and peaceful in myself as a result of the Counselling, combined with hypnotherapy (No, you really do not get put under a trance!).    Hypnotherapy, is a really good method of keeping you calmer and more focused.  A Hynotherapist, can make you a cd to listen to, which is especially made for you and your circumstances.  There will be lots of positive affirmations on the cd and if you listen to on a regular basis, you will find yourself feeling much calmer and accepting of your current circumstances, whilst still focusing on what would be best for yourself and your family.

Speaking with a Counsellor can also be very therapeutic, although, expect to be asked whether you really do want another child.    I know you may not like that question, but it will be asked because we can find ourselves so wrapped up in wanting what is best for our only child and wanting to provide a sibling, that we forget or ignore how we really feel about the whole process.    I personally would love my child to have a sibling, however, I have not enjoyed the process of looking into donor eggs, surrogacy etc., I have found it to be extremely stressful, hence why I consulted a Counsellor/Hypnotherapist.    We are also extremely fortunate to be given so many opportunities in our modern world, but having so many choices can create additional dileamas.  Alice x


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi Alice thanks for grt info. I think i am going to try cognitive behavioral therapy to improve the way i think about things. There are so many positives but because im focusing on the negatives im making myself ill with worry. Only child to older parents, not being around to see her settled in own job, house and with a partner, how will she cope without immediate familt to give sense of belonging, i havent got siblings so who would support me if husband died and it was just me and dd. What if i fall ill, who would look after her.........the list goes on and on. When dd was born we made wills and my brother and sis in law are written in as guardians. I didnt fret then, we were just doing the sensible thing should the worse ever happen. Finding a lump changed the way i think. For first time in my life i had to face up to my own mortality and the fact that dh next birthday will be his 50th, never gave our ages much thought before. We both look younger than our years. All of a sudden i dont feel young but i did 6mths ago! Maybe taking dd to preschool at the local primary flags up my age too. There are quite a few older mums but with more than one child and most with dhs in their early to mid 40's. Because dh turning 50 at year end ive suddenly decided he is going to pop his clogs! When he told me he had significant promotion the first thing i said was please dont take it if its more stressful!  If someone had said that to me 6mths ago id have thought they were daft!!
6months ago i realised i regretted leaving it so late to try for a family and that dd would be an only child. Perhaps if we had started younger her being an only wouldnt be quite the issue it is, as we would be around for longer...in theory anyway the chances would be greater. But i didnt have the fear of the future like i have now, so hopefully with cbt i can get my old way of thinking back! Will also see gp for hormone check, kept ovaries after hysterectomy but its poss im going into perimenopause which wont be helping outlook or mood.
Oh who would be female! Im coming back as my spoilt pooch whos only worry is what couch will i lie on after my walk....bliss.
Hang in there everyone. No-one said it would be easy! X


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi Alice
we must have been writing at same time! Glad to hear that hypno/counselling helping you find some calm, i wondered about that. We have someone locally who does same and have heard some great reports. Might be worth a try as i think getting everything out abiut how im feeling and trying to make sense of it would be great help. Cbt doesnt really do that, it seems to be more about analysing the probability of the fear actually happening. Which will help me but i do feel the need to get everything out thats going on in this head of mine!
Are you having any joy with donor eggs? I know they are few and far between. The waiting is awful isnt it, hated that part with icsi. All the tests, the waiting list etc before the actual treatment started. So much is out if our control and when we never imagined  it wouldnt happen naturally is a huge blow. I remember telling dh years ago we need to conceive end aug so im not waddling pregnant over a hot summer, then the baby will arrive in time for a summer maternity leave! Haha if only i had known it wasnt going to happen that way.
Hope counselling continues to help you Alice and that whatever way you choose to go forward happens for you. X


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi Alice
I am pleased you have frozen embryos and option of donor eggs. I do understand that must be a hard decision with regards to carrying them. Poor you. What does your other half think? Does your consultant offer any advice on this? Or is it just to be your decision? Oh I feel for you. I am glad you are doing the counselling and you feel it is helping. I dont know whats best for you but i will pray you make a decision and that it all works out with the end goal.  Regardless of how baby arrives in this world it will be yours to love and cherish and be part of your family.
I took plunge and I have booked to see a lady who can combine hypno and cbt or whatever she feels is needed to reinstate a calm positive mind with me full of confidence about future! Heres hoping.... I am going on Fri at 6pm and I really hope she can help guide me to feeling happy again! 
Please let me know how you are doing? Where do you post normally? I will keep look out! Thank you so much for your support and for mentioning the counselling. It gave me the courage to do something positive. Also going to see doc on wed to see if shecould check hormone levels. If low will have to steer clear of hrt after having that lump scare dont want to take anything that potentially increases risk of something more sinister. Vogel do a herbal tincture that Ive read good reports about. Apparently levels out mood in menopausal women. If thats me I will try anything to feel like my old self again. I mean young self again!
Best wishes x


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Megan good for you. I am trained cognitive behaviour hypnotherapist/therapist and love it but then I am biased. Are you talking about Vogel bread or is there another vogel as I adore Vogel bread.
I was thinking reading your posts the last few days I think you are sounding a lot more optimistics and bright, and definitely your younger self again.
You go girl.
xx


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## beadle1 (Jul 7, 2010)

Hi Megan,

Good luck with the Hypno/Counselling appt.  It is very important that you feel as comfortable as you can with your Counsellor, if you find at any time this is not the right person for you, do not hesitate in changing.  I haven't felt so calm in ages, so I can verify the hypnotherapy is currently working.  You will however need to continue listening to the cd's etc., for those positive affirmations to work.  I generally listen to mine when I've gone off to bed, helps me to sleep as well.    I shall give the tincture you suggest a try, as I am menopausal now and it does affect your moods and energy level.  

Yes, you are right Megan - it sure is a difficult decision for me - I shall let you know which route I take in due course.

Alice x


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi Fraggles
wow you are doing a wonderful job helping people. That must be so worthwhile. I know sometimes peoples woes may get you down but you must get a whole load of job satisfaction from knowing you make a real difference to peoples lives. Vogel is a company that makes herbal remedies! In scotland we have the famous dutch man jaan de vries and he has a shop locally that stocks bioforce and Vogel. Think its AC Vogel. Try doing search on jaan de vries or vogel and it should bring it up. Its called Be Me Again!! Sounds bit nafname but by god if it works I will be singing the praises!
Have had few periods of feeling positive over last couple of days combined with bursts of oh my god, then heart is racing and arms go weak. Adrenaline i guess. Not good for me so will look to combine therapy with herbal tincture and exercise. Hopefully the exercise will also give me more energy as I currently feel exhausted. Short of that will be having choc!! Take care and thanks for kind words. X


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi
well been to gp and said i had been feeling low, could i perhaps be menopausal? Bloods taken but no questions asked about any other symptoms. Explained i was waking in night feeling panicky and soaked in sweat, felt tired. Gp said will check hormone levels as is poss perimenopause after hysterectomy. She explained that whilst ovaries still there they only have one blood supply now. Tel call today from receptionist to say not menopausal. Have first meeting regarding cbt tomorrow so will see what they say about how Im feeling. Worried now that Ive become depressed, hope cbt helps as hear good and bad reports about medication if my worries have caused depression. May have to go back to gp if therapist recommends combining cbt with gp treatment. Oh why did I get to this, 6 months ago I didnt have care in the world! X


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## beadle1 (Jul 7, 2010)

Hi Megan,
Just wanted to pop in to say good luck for your appointment today.  Peri-menopausal symptoms can start as early as 10 years before menopause.  My first symptoms were night sweats and there can be a change in sleep and mood patterns, due to hormone changes.  It might be worth your while having a repeat hormone test in a few months, also have you had your thyroid level checked?  An over or underactive thyroid can leave you feeling very tired, affects your hormones and can cause sweating, so worth having it checked out.

Really sorry to hear you are feeling low.  I do understand how you feel, but you are not alone in having these feelings as many others feel the same.  Unfortunately when we focus on our only in the future with little or no extended family, it can make us feel depressed.  How does your husband feel?  The feelings can be exasparated if both partners have the same concerns.  It is all to easy to blame ourselves in situations like this and when trying for a baby, most people just feel overwhelmed with the desire to have a child.    The bond you have and love you feel for your child is over whelming, a feeling you couldn't imagine until you have your own child, so yes, you will want the very best for them.    Let us know how you get along today.
Alice x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Megan67


Sorry to hear of your troubles.  If you think its depression then i would look trying to do a bit of sport.  I know its not for everyone, but i know that i have probably narrowly missed having depression my self and the one think that has really helped is doing sport.  If its walking my dogs or playing badminton, my mind and body always feels calmer and better able to cope after. 


I have had one hell of a difficult week this week and know that my sanity has been saved by walking my nutty terriers. 


Good luck. xxxx


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## megan67 (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi ladies
thanks so much for your support. Therapist concentrated on relaxation hypnotherapy tonight. And talked about visualising the fear feeling in red then trying to neutralize it by turning it blue. All seemed a bit strange to me at first but ive never felt so deeply relaxed and came out feeling calmer. Ive to practice relaxation and using the colour visualisation this week before next session. Never had therapy of any sort before so wasnt sure what to expect. She said would talk more in depth about the fears and feelings and then start to work on the cbt side of things to try and make outlook positive. Heres hoping!
Gp did say that perimenopause could go on for years and that hormone levels could fluctuate,so will definately buy the Be Me Again potion from health shop tobtry and level out low mood. I had thyroid checked back in June, after feeling exhausted 3 weeks after hysterectomy......with the same low mood and night sweats. Came back ok but iron low. The doc i saw then explained about hormones dipping until ovaries realised they could cope with one blood supply. 
Dogs, arent they just the best thing! Before dd it was my lovely big standard poodle that kept me going. Long walks are so therapeutic, you cant help but feel better with dog running around. We sadly lost her couple of years ago but we got a lovely standard pup not too long after. When dd goes to school we go for our morning walk then home for jumbones for him and cuppa and scone for me. Then a snuggle up on couch!! I used to ride, do pilates and walk for miles. Now its a 30 min ball thrower type walk andnothing else other than a stop start cycle with dd. So i think you are right, sport would be a good way to focus mind and there is no doubt it lifts mood. I fancy trying yoga, i like the fact it works mind and body, is great for keeping you supple and works on relaxation. Will try anything that releases some endorphins! X


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