# Disappointing news from me...



## goldielocks (Oct 7, 2006)

Hello ladies

Not good news from me I’m afraid, I knew it in my heart of hearts as I suggested yesterday… I am not pregnant so today is a difficult day although I think I have known since I did a test on day 11 that the IVF had failed…I have been up since 0700 and did the test first thing…nada – that single line yet again. It feels like my period is coming to add insult to injury 
DH has been great but it is hard for him to know what to say – he says we will be fine without children or we can go again ( the thought of which repulses me at the moment ) or adopt/foster maybe….my mind is not clear so it is not the day to make decisions I feel

It is actually a relief to know definitely – Waiting for the bad news has been gut wrenchingly hard. I so do not want to go to the clinic in the am - they want me to go for a Beta HCG test tomorrow probably to confirm their stats officially - I can’t imagine anything worse but I suppose I will go and maybe ask DH to ring them for confirmation in the afternoon…I’m not sure I could bear to hear those words out loud from someone there. It’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow too – I fantasized about having good news for them. Next weekend I am due to go to become godmother to my SIL’s new baby and 2 other children ( I think she thought that would help me feel better ) I am frightened about not coping in a big family gathering like that…

My life has been on hold for the last 4 months and for nothing…I am so angry and upset I just feel numb.....I hate the fact that I am perhaps too old to have my own babies and I hate people that have them and don’t appreciate how lucky they are or who effortlessly get pregnant. I went to dinner on Friday night with some colleagues – one of the ladies had told me at new year that she might start trying for another baby wasn't there because she had morning sickness and was 7 weeks pregnant – maybe she had been trying for ages but it just seems so easy. 

I hate my jealousy and my fear of never being part of the being a parent thing. 

You ladies are great and I know you understand more than anyone where I am coming from and possibly even how this feels. I know that things can work out for some people at our age but I do not feel like I am going to be one of them…I hope that you all have better success than me, goodness knows I think we all deserve it. I know it is only my first cycle and I know that this is not the right time to make decisions about things but I suspect I may not try again this way…the costs and I don't mean the $$ ones are simply too high and the odds too low. Maybe it is time to focus on what I do have and not what I don’t have. Until 4 years ago I had been single for 8 years with no chance of any form of family life and I consider myself very lucky to have my DH – he is the best thing to have ever happened to me. Maybe I was being too greedy to think I could have my own child as well. the process has really affected me badly and destroyed any confidence I had in myself as a woman and person. I never felt old before and now I do. My work has suffered immensely and my relationship which although in someways has become stronger, it’s like some of the light has gone out of it…and most of the fun….I want that back…I read some of my posts and they sound so anxious and weary - believe it or not I used to be quite upbeat and happy at times - I can barely remember what it was like to feel that way at the moment... 

Hopefully it will feel better soon…I know it can’t stay as it is – it’s just so unbearable, I feel I will shrivel up and disappear so it just has to get better I guess. 

All of you ladies have been amazing and kind and I have appreciated your support more than I could begin to articulate as not many people in my life actually know what we have been doing. I wish you all well in your journeys and I hope we all find the peace of mind and equilibrium we deserve. Today I feel like I will not post here anymore because much as I have come to value this forum I think I need some non IVF/non ttc space in my life. This may change in time of course but until then,

Love to you all..

XX


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## mistykat (Jan 31, 2003)

Hi,

Just want to say how sorry I am that this attempt hasn't been the one for you. It is such an emotional journey and your post really struck cords with me. Give yourself time, we never know what is round the corner.

Love Allison x


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## goldielocks (Oct 7, 2006)

Thank you Allison for your kind thoughts and advice. Hope all is well with you and your DD   

I wanted to add to everyone that I am so sorry to be so sad and negative. I hope that no one has been upset by my words. 

I showed my post to DH and he quite rightly said that perhaps it was not what people need to hear when they are negotiating their own fertility journey and of course the possibility of great joy and success is there as proved time and time again on these boards...this is not the day of course for me to believe that obviously but it remains true...

As you say perhaps a   will come in time 

XX


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## BG (May 23, 2006)

Just wanted to tell you, I know exactly how you feel.  I will be 43 this year and so many people around me are getting pregnant with a drop of a hat and I feel so cheated.  The only reassurance I can give you is that it does get better.  I had my final go.....and I mean final...... I could'nt go through ivf again, last july and had a BFP, but we lost our little one at 6 weeks.  I thought I would never get over it, but your mind and body are stronger than you give them credit for, and although my due date is next month, I know I can cope.  Our marriage went through hell when I look back at it, and the fun went from mine, but its like we have started a new chapter and things are great.  Dont ever give up hope, and belive me, you will feel better in no time. Keep your chin up, and you never know whats round the corner.  Keep reading some of the stories, miracles can happen.  GOOD LUCK !!!!!


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## jags (Feb 15, 2006)

Hi,

I've been trying for 3 or 4 years. I had 2 "natural" pregnancies in the first year of trying, that didnt work out. I tried for another year without any success and then went down a clomid, followed by IVF, followed by clomid/IUI route... My first IVF attempt was successful, but miscarried at 6 weeks, frozen embryo's didnt stick. Then I didnt respond to the drugs...I started 4 or 5 IVF cycles and only EC/ET'd 2 cycles. 
I had a short break from trying the drugs options as I was going on holiday. On my second natural cycle got pregnant! I'm now 21 weeks pregnant, and 44 years old. 
Its been very tough both psychologically and physically. I'm sure a +ve attitude and starting to relax/chill about it helped. Try to live "normally", do things you enjoy. It can happen.


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## sibbs (Jun 12, 2006)

Goldielocks, like so many others on here, I know exactly how you feel.  At my last bfn last week I was so upset because I have given up so much for this, like you my work, personal life, fitness and happiness has suffered massively.  I had to give up aerobic instructing because of all the treatment, the one thing in my life I was really good at, that I really enjoyed.

It is nigh on impossible not to be really peed off how easily it happens for others,  stupid teenagers and ignorant people who think nothing off it,  but that is their life, and I don’t want their life so I try not to let negative thoughts poison me.

Since my last bfn, I also just think this is never going to work for me, I was so positive during treatment but that has just gone now, and I am feeling very negative about my fertility.

I’m seriously considering just doing the more holistic approach, homeopathy, acupuncture,  Chinese herbs, and lots of sex at the right time of the month!  Maybe like me that might suit you better.

I totally agree, concentrate on what you do have, not what you don’t.  I really do feel for you, and believe me, I know me and others on here know exactly how you feel, and we feel for you.

You take care of yourself

Much love


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## Lorri (Apr 17, 2005)

Hi Goldielocks,
I am so sorry this didn't work for you, and I truly know how you feel about work, pregnant women, jealousy, and life in general. With every BFN I have always said I would never do it again, but somehow you find the strength to pick yourself up and look to the future, even though a piece of your heart will always just be a little bit broken or missing. 

Take care and allow yourself to grieve. Do what you need to do to get through this.

Lxx


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Goldielocks,

I'm so sorry things haven't worked out for you and completely understand how you're feeling - as will many on FF. So please don't feel bad about you're earlier post. The emotional investment in IVF is huge and unfortunately the lows can be really low.

I really just wanted to send you a big hug    and wish you well with whatever you decide. Your signature block suggests the drs haven't found anything wrong with either you or your DH so if you do decide against further treatment you may well succeed naturally - and I hope that is the case for you hun. 

I'm sure you will find the strength to get through the christening next because it takes a strong woman to get through IVF. Although it doesn't feel like it today you will feel better as the weeks pass and some time soon when you've  started to regain your life back you will know what matters most to you and where you go from here. 

Wishing you every happiness,

Love, CG xxx


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## BBpiglet7 (Dec 16, 2006)

What can I say Goldie?   I'm so very sorry that this cycle didn't go as you'd hoped, I truely am, and I feel so sad for you and your DH tonight  

Take good care of each other while you build your strength and make decisions about which road to tread to the future.

lots of love


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Goldielocks,
I am so sorry sweetie , but believe me you will get better . You need time to cry and grieve and scream. This is normal . Absolutely, utterly very normal. 
I am in the process of my second BFN , aged 40, and I mean in the process , because my low levels of HCG don't go down and docs think I may have an ectopic , as you know from the other thread where I post. It looks like now it is going down for good , second time, but it may not go to 0 ) and I may need a procedure, please make them keep my tube!
I am in Limbo therefore, but you know what I have decided I will have another go in 4 or 6 months, after taking time for myself and for Dh. Dh and I are stronger than ever, and we love each other even on a stronger basis now, having shared this adventure which is not YET successful. 
You had your first IVF and right now you are angry and sad and empty, but believe me , things will get better.
Future Mummy


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## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Take time to grieve sweetheart.  We all know how you feel and your words echo our own stories, you are very brave to write them so wholeheartedly.  hugme^

Allison xxx


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## Kelly42 (Jan 28, 2006)

Dear Goldilocks
I am a terminal lurker and read your post this morning.
I am so sorry that this didn't work for you this time. Look after yourself, allow yourself to grieve and then make a decision.

You are stronger than you think
Kelly x


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## goldielocks (Oct 7, 2006)

Ladies 

Thank you so much for replying...I have really appreciated your supportive words... I know you all understand how I am feeling and that really helps....I was going to hide away and never look at FF or post again but now I feel rather ashamed of that thought - very cowardly and self indulgent... the ladies here are so amazing and supportive never more so than when you are at your worst...and it seems so selfish to withdraw and not reciprocate that - so if you will allow me I shall remain !!!! 

Today feels slightly better as you said it would - I managed to go to the hospital which was fortunately a brief visit - I told the sister I had tested and she had the decency to be realistic and not try and get my hopes up by saying well wait for the blood test result...She was kind though - she said to focus on the positives which I suppose I had struggled to do from my pit of dispair...she said I had responded and produced 2 good embryos...I know she's right and I do feel a bit better today. Being off work is good...I work in mental health and find that you have to have reasonably good m/health yourself to look after others peoples.... my parents are coming for supper so I can focus on that...

The clinic sister said I can go for a follow up appointment in 4 weeks time so that gives me a bit of space to pick myself up and decide what to do...

Thanks to you all...

Allison Kate - good luck in March with your next step. A natural cycle sounds great  

Future Mummy -  I hope you are feeling OK - you have been through such a lot and your positivity and support for others has been absolutely legendary - hopefully you can move on from this soon and not need any more interventions 

BBpiglet - thank you for your supportive words and good luck with everything  

Cotswold Girl - you are so kind and positive - I know you are just beginning your cycle so mega good luck and positiveness for this step in the journey 

Lorri - thanks so much - I know you know how I feel and vice versa - you're right we will get through this and I am starting to realised that although the process is about as difficult a thing as a person can possibly negotiate there is a strength and determination that you acquire that can only help you cope 

sibbs - this is something I am going to seriously consider...despite being a health professional I know that the medical model is not the only model that is helpful and to be honest I have found it quite disempowering and objectifying - like I ceased to exist as a person...I feel that no one in the fertility field really looks at the whole picture - just bits and pieces from which they make huge judgements and what they offer has no guarantees either...they don't really have the answers but we'll see... I can already feel thoights pricking in the back of my mind to have another go if they think it is worthwhile, gulp 

jags - thanks for your encouraging story and hope all goes well 

BG - thanks for being so understanding - I do think today that it will be OK and I will feel better....I am actually looking forward to a bit of non IVF life again !!!  

Kelly42 - thanks to you too...I feel I spilled my guts perhaps a bit too openly yesterday and maybe that wasn't good and was too depressing for people...but I didn't know it was possible to feel so bad. The support from people like yourself has been both moving and humbling and I thank you all so much. I do feel better today and what's done is done....I hope my positivity will creep back again for the future.

Now I'm off to eat some lovely buttered toast and to spend my "mental health day" watching old Frost episodes on DVD !!! Showing my age !!! 

Thanks again to you all  

XX Goldielocks


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## ladydee (Oct 19, 2006)

Goldielocks, 

I am really sorry to hear your news. . I totally agree with everything you said. Although this is no consolation, during your journey and you have been brave and got through all the hurdles which has been throw at you. 

From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry this hasn't worked out for you and do take time out with your DH to decide what your next steps will be.


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## Empty2 (Aug 12, 2006)

Hi Goldilocks,

My heart goes out to you and your partner, and I truly sympathise and understand how you are feeling right now.   Wanted to just send you a hug         


Don't ever think you are cowedly and self indulgent, we all understand your loss and wish we could take the pain away from you both.


Empty2


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## druzy (Jan 25, 2006)

Hi Goldilocks

Don't feel guilty about your post.  I know exactly how you feel and often feel the same.  I am similar, I am 41, was single for a long time (6 years), I have never been pregnant (apart from the ectopic and chemical with IVF) and my DH has a 20 year old daughter and sixteen year old from previous marriage.

I am in the middle of my 4th IVF - today was the first scan and it didn't look that good, or that there were that many follicles - although the new scanning nurse at the clinic was rubbish.  I feel a bit exhausted already at the thought of going through it all again.

I just wanted to say - although you may well try again with your own eggs and may well be successful - have you thought about donor eggs?

At first the very thought really shocked me but now I know that if this 4th cycle doesn't work I will go to east europe, Russia or Ukraine for donor eggs.  The success rate is 50 to 60%, your husband will be the biological father....

Just a thought, it doesn't have to be the end of the line.

good luck, all the best

Druzyxx


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## ♥Meerkat♥ (Nov 14, 2005)

Goldielocks

So sorry to hear about your sad news.   This IF journey is so tough and nowhere have I met so many strong, brave and inspirational women than on FF.  

Glad that you are giving yourself some time out and space to think through what you want to do.  Things can look very different even in just four weeks.

Wishing you strength and lots of love
Meerkat xx


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## goldielocks (Oct 7, 2006)

Hi Meerkat

Thanks so much for your message and thoughts...I was so sorry to read of your disappointing news too...
No matter how realistic you try to be, there is always a hope of success and personally I found this so hard and distressing to have it snuffed out...

I hope you are OK and looking after yourself too....I am feeling a bit better and a bit more normal...It felt so terrible to feel so bad and feeling better again is such a relief...it was overwhelming for a while...

I am back at work and getting on with things...there is still a sadness in my mind but it is not so overpowering as it was...I feel at some point as you suggest I will be strong enough and will know what is the right decision for me in terms of further treatment or not...

If there is a next time maybe it will be easier to bear the uncertainty and possible disappointment that may accompany it - I don't think I was prepared for it this time... 

I am checking in and posting a little...hoping my fellow cyber elite friends are OK and positive still   

Will let you all know what future plans are when I know them...

The support here has been amazing and I have been humbled by people's kindness    

Talk again soon and take care of yourself


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## 11th hour (Feb 4, 2006)

no u didnt over share. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW U FEEL a mate of mine broke her pregnancy to me by texting me a pic of her 5 week scan.!!! I immediately cryed my eyes out, tersely texted back congratulations have not been able to contact her since. When i do, it will be to ask her not to send me anymore pix of her scans. so insensitive....

i was recently wrongly diagnosed as havin "too small ovaries" and wept all night and reviewd how namy years of decisions and how many compromises id made both profesionally and in relationships to try to have a child and all for nothing.

if u move on.. then so be it, if u feel strong enough to go again... it aint over yet.

xxx


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## longbaygirl (Aug 19, 2004)

Hi Goldielocks - just want to say I feel for you. Don't give up, there is always hope, even tho the stats are against it some ladies do have babies in their 40s using their own eggs, and many of us successfully use DE or go on to adopt.

I know the rates are low, but I found this encouraging that there was some hope:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?db=pubmed&cmd=Retrieve&dopt=AbstractPlus&list_uids=16084887&query_hl=6&itool=pubmed_docsum

Good luck


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## goldielocks (Oct 7, 2006)

Hi Meerkat - hope you are OK too and thanks for thinking of me...I am feeling a bit better and it does help to have work and normal stuff to distract me but every so often I feel a sadness come over me too which feels so overwhelming...there seem to be pregnant ladies and kiddies everywhere I turn too but I know this is just that I am excruciatingly sensitive to anything child focused at the moment...

I got a bit of a crummy letter from the clinic offering me an appointment for next month - not that they can do anything really. It said they were sorry and I could make an appointment with the counsellor if I wished - not even signed...hhmmmm....it made me wonder if they are really aware of what the process does to people - probably not, they're not therapists at the end of the day...felt very anti going to the counsellor initially but now think maybe I will go…after all they must have dealt with a lot of people with the same issues, there must be something helpful they can say perhaps  

It might take the heat off my DH a little - he's been so fantastic - I never realised how tough he was before...but I wish I could be a bit happier for him which is what he wants - I don't want to bring him down with my sad face and I can't help talking about it all because it's in my mind all the time...  

I still don’t know what to do but maybe it’s still not the time to decide. At times I think yes I’ll have another go and at others I think no I won’t. I don’t even know if they will recommend that yet. They might say don’t have another go – I didn’t have the best response at the end of the day. I have been reading a lot about donor eggs as well just to complicate matters as my husband is not positive about following the donor route. Anyway, another day – am off to a meeting this pm…  

Went to my SIL’s last weekend to be godparents to their 3 kids – it was nice for the first 24 hours and then it got too much really…there was a party in the afternoon full of mums and kids and the obligatory questions about whether or not I had any children and the immediate death of the conversation when I said I didn’t …I know I'm oversensitive but I did feel like a freak amongst it all. I also felt very left out of things and aware that I might never be able to have conversations about school and child stuff which was hard to bear really. I’m pleased for my sister in law having 4 kids and she’s a good mum..but hearing about how marvellous it all is straight after a failed IVF cycle is just too much…on the down side I could see it is incredibly hard work having kids but even so – I’d still like the opportunity !!! 

11th Hour - thanks for your encouraging words too...I know it’s not over yet…know what you mean about insensitive friends – have got friends moaning away about childcare and morning sickness at the moment

and Druzy - hope your treatment is going better and the scans are more positive. Hang in there babe…    

Longbaygirl – thanks for the link – yes there is something positive in that reference ie first result not necessarily indicative of outcome of further goes. Would you mind if I asked you how old you were when you went for you donor egg Tx and where you went ?? 

Hi to everyone else, I am checking in from time to time but trying to do other stuff too…good luck and love to those in the middle of treatment or to those making decisions…ladydee – hope you’re well and fingers crossed  

XX


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## Cotswold Girl (Nov 16, 2006)

Hi Goldielocks,

Sending you and the other ladies on here lots of hugs   

Things are still very raw at the moment so don't rush into any decisions. Perhaps seeing the counsellor would help. I come on these boards for my therapy and speak to my accupuncturist! Without both I think I'd have gone  

Glad the weekend didn't go too badly...know how bad those "do you have children?" questions make you feel, and the silence that follows your "no". I'm sure it's not intended but you do end up feeling like a freak or one of those "career women" the papers like to go on about who've left it too late because they selfishly strived for a career/life first.....I sometimes feel like saying actually we've been trying for years so be thankful for what you've got, you don't know how lucky you are! But of course we don't we just change the subject to stop them feeling awkward.   Sorry rant over...

Perhaps by the time you have your appt with the clinic you'll have a better idea of what you want to do next. Investigating DE is no bad thing too as that way if you do decide you're up to tx you'll know which route you want to take. In the meantime take care of yourself and DH. 

Meerkat - thinking of you, hope you get some news from your clinic soon. Keeping busy is probably the best way to go after such a disappointment but try not to bury those feelings too deep hun - it doesn't do you any good.   

Longbaygirl - thank you so much for sharing that link with us...I'm about to start IVF no 2 and have been wondering if I'm doing the right thing. At least the article gives me a small glimmer of hope again. Have been starting to feel too old for this lark...

11th hour - hope you're doing ok, don't let that insensitive friend get to you, there's a lot of it about. My SIL gave birth at the weekend and my friend said "good it's a boy and the family name can go on" ....hmm thanks for the reminder we've not managed to keep the family name going....And that was from a friend who knows we're trying! Don't you just love em  

Love CG xxxx  


.


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## longbaygirl (Aug 19, 2004)

Hi Goldielocks - I was 41 when I did my first DE cycle. I had a lot of failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF (2 blasts) with my own eggs. I was a 'poor responder' and did not want to try endlessly with my own eggs, and I was getting older not younger. 

Was told I had about a 5% chance with my own eggs. Just wanted to up the odds in my favor for a change - which is what DE does. With DE I had the fertility of my donor, so my chance of pregnancy went up to more than 50% straight away.


I went to Isida in Kiev because there was no waiting list for donors, I could have more than 3 put back and it was a third to half the price of Spain, and only 3 hours flying time. All donors are 'proven', i.e. they have to have at least one normal healthy child of their own before they can donate. 

I'm dark, so colouring was not an issue for me, but couples who want blue eyed/blond donors often find it difficult in Spain and so tend to go further north where the local population is lighter. Lots of Americans go there too, and it is quite a trek from the US.

I did everything via e-mail/telephone and went for 6 days, and came back with my twins. I was very lucky. I did have a lot of support from a yahoo group (a much smaller version of FF) which made a real difference.

I had five embies put back, but I had done my homework, and  wanted to maximise my chances, and I was also clear on what we would do if we had to think about a 'selective reduction'.


There are lots of good places for DE and FF is a great place to find out more about them. All I would say is do your research and talk to as many people as you can on FF and elsewhere about DE and clinics.

I was 42 when I delivered my boys.

Only natural to have reservations about DE, but I found that once I was pregnant, all my worries were about being able to carry my babies, and not about how I had got pregnant.  

My DH was hesitant too - he wanted babies with me, not with an unamed/unknown woman, but again, once I was pregnant all his fears just dissapeared.

This is just our experience, I'm not saying anyone else would/has felt the same.

Good luck


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## Cazacan (Feb 25, 2007)

Hi Goldilocks, I wanted to say thank you for your post!  I am so sad at the moment, that it helped to hear someone sharing my frustration,
I was blessed to get a positive result but sadly yet again it was not meant to be, I too look back at the old me and wonder where she has gone, I hope she pops back for a visit soon!
I send you love and am happy to hear you have a wonderful DH,  take care of yourself and best of luck for the future
x C


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