# My dh has changed his mind, I feel so alone



## honneybee (Feb 21, 2007)

I am not sure how to say all this. Life is so difficult. This is a long story and I am really sorry to bore you all, but I have to explain the whole situation to get a clear picture. 

I have 2 children with my dh.  I had got post natal depression with my 1st child but was not treated,  suffered from a traumatic ectopic at 10wks and was lucky to survive and finally got help when my second child was born 10mths after ectopic.
My postnatal ended up turning servere and a lot of things I do not remember except I was like a robot and had no feelings apart from suicidal urges.
When I look back now, I feel cheated I have missed out on so much of their first stages. I am a good mother I love my children unconditionly. I am not sure if you can understand how it feels to know I had behaved this way  not that I could have helped the way I was. It took 4 yrs to recover. Which I will never go down that road again.
We decided to try for another baby and after 18mths we went for a lap &dye, was told I would not be able to conceive naturally again as my remaining tube is total stuck down by scar tissue. My whole world was shattered again but I would not let it get to me.
6 mths later whilst my dh was working away a letter from the C.S.A arrived. My husband had another child, I was devestated. knowing that I can not have another child but there was someone else with a baby by my dh.  
My dh explained how he could not cope with my illness and did what he did, he had a one night stand ( which he has always regretted and I know my dh enough to know this was the truth) and the end result was this. 
We decided to meet this lady.  As she has always knew where my dh was. I needed to know why she did not contact him to tell him she was pregnant. Her child was 2 1/2, (she fell pregnant when my daughter was 8 mths).  She never had an answer, except to say she got talking to friends and thought maybe she should get in contact. I was so nice to her and I can not believe that now, the thing was she grabbed my arm at one point and gave a little laugh and said of all the men I ended up sleeping with I can not believe it was your husband. He really is not my type. 
That really hurt.  
We have never seen her again, she did not keep up the contact and I do not really want the contact either. She has a boyfriend who has been around since when she was pregnant. Who lives with her. Which of course we pay maintanence for.  We also give her more money that what both my chidren receive put together, as the C.S.A said as I was working I can support our own children.  
We decided we would go for IVF has I still wanted another child. 3 yrs later we have now booked and are ready to start. My dh is now sayin he does not want another child. He does not want to struggle financially and wants us to move on. He also said if  a child was born he would love it as that is not the issue, We have been thru so much, but he always knew where I stood. I have gone thru so much for him. I do not feel I can let this go, I will not have another chance. He can always start afresh and maybe have more kids if we did not work out. Not that we would split up but hypothetically. Mybe I just have not got over the fact I can not have anymore children. I am so confused,
Am I being so selfish?


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## lainey-lou (Feb 18, 2007)

Oh Honeybee, my heart goes out to you.  What a lot you are having to deal with, it is no wonder you are upset and confused.

You must not blame yourself for your illness or your husband straying.  You were ill and your dh should have been supporting you, not running to the nearest available woman.  Do not let him use this as an excuse.  Having said that, I am sure you and dh want to move on from this and that you have forgiven him is a credit to you and I hope the marriage works out.

I do think he is being unfair to you though - if he had said from the start that he didn't want any more then that wouldn't have been so bad, but to say that he did want one and now to change his mind is very upsetting for you.  The trouble is we all change our minds about things from time to time and I suppose he does have the right to decide he doesn't want any more.  I feel very sorry for you because it is kind of out of your control.

If he really has made his mind up about it, try and take some positives from it.  At least if you know you are not going to try any more it means you can get off the infertility treadmill.  Sometimes I think I would love someone to tell me it was impossible for me to have a baby so that at least I would know where I stand and I could deal with the grief.  I sometimes feel I am in limbo at the moment and just wish I could see into the future to see what it holds for me.

Also, remember you do have two lovely children already.  Most people on here would love to have that, although I know it won't make you feel any better because I have one and still desperately want another.  But you should try to remember how blessed you are to have them.  I have two friends who both have one child each and have both had several ectopics so they have given up hope of another.  You were very lucky to have a child after an ectopic - they say if you have one ectopic you are likely to have more.

I am sending you   to cheer you up and wishing you loads of luck.  

Take care

Lainey x


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## emilycaitlin (Mar 7, 2006)

Honeybee, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all this.  Do you think your dh is just getting nervous as it gets nearer, or is he set on this decision?  PM me if you need to chat hun


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## honneybee (Feb 21, 2007)

Hi Lainy,
I think nerves probably has alot to do with it, and also his parents I know disaprove of IVF so we have not told them we are doing this. Both our families think it is wrong. Which I would say is old fashioned, but what I expect from an older generation. My nan though, is all for it bless her.  

I think Lainy after finding out he is a father again already, by this other lady, it has taken its toll. He is a fantastic father, and a very caring person, and although what happened, happened. I do not doubt  how much he loves me. The strange thing is, if I could fall pregnant naturally he would be fine about it. That is why I wonder  what has brought this on,  

I know I am lucky that I have two children already. It does not make the yearning for another any less if I had one child. I always ask everyone if they have chidren are they wanting more, most people say they are happy with what they have. This feeling is something I wish I felt too, then I would not have to go through all this pain of wanting.  I know it sounds selfish or greedy when others would be happy with just one. MY heart feels for them, I am donating my eggs whether I have treatment or not to help other couples be lucky.

Life is definitely a rollercoaster.
Thanks for the  I appreciate it
mitch
x


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## Pand (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi,

You are not selfish at all!  If you are, then that makes all of us on this thread selfish too as we all have children already.  I completely understand your need for another child.  It's perfectly natural and unfortunately most women are just wired like that!  People often say to me about how lucky I am to have my little one, and it always makes me feel like I'm being greedy for wanting another.  But deep down, I have every right to want more children.

It sounds a bit like your dh is just getting cold feet about the IVF.  Does he know exactly what's involved? It doesn't involve much for a man! Or is it that he is terrified of your PND coming back.  Again, I completely understand that fear, as I suffered with it to a much milder degree after my first little boy.  There is a bit part of me that wants another child because I felt robbed of the first few months with my first as all I can remember is a dark fog.  I want another one so that I can enjoy being a mother this time!

Keep talking to him about it.  I wish you all the best.  Pop over to our weekly thread if you need to chat!

Amanda

xxx


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