# Why do people say "Its not meant to be"



## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi all,

I am just feeling the need to have a wee vent here.

Anyway as the title says its not meant to be, does anyone living in the world of miscarriage & infertility think that this is a good phrase? I sure don't  

I am so fed up hearing this from people that feel the need to put a silver lining on infertility & mcs and yesterday my cousin lost a baby in the 2nd trimester and they are posting its not meant to be on ******** which mortifies me. I don't believe that babies unborn are not meant to be, I believe its all down to very unfortunate medical reasons. I also hate when people blame god, seriously if that was true god must be having a right laugh at me just not, not that I really believe in religion much anyway.

I know everyone has the right to their own beliefs but that comment really sucks!

Rant over X


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Yes also one of my most detested quotes also, it wasn't meant to be, just a very thoughtless statement and very dismissive of anyone suffering loss or infertility, I'm sorry for your loss is normally the best thing to say xx


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I think that people say it, when they don't know what else to say.  

When I had my miscarriage's, I said it to myself.  What I meant, was that there was obviously something wrong with my baby and that's why he/she wasn't strong enough to get here.

It makes me furious though, when it is used to explain why people have fertility problems.  It's gods way of controlling the population😡.  Ok, so why do people have live saving operations or medicine?  Isn't that gods way of trying to control the population!

X


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

its such a meaningless saying

if it works out people say "it was meant to be"
if it doesn't work out people say "it wasn't meant to be"

things either work out or they dont!


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## Roxbury1 (Nov 22, 2013)

My MIL is deeply religious and got quite upset when me and DH decided to get married in a civil ceremony at a country house. Her second son went on to get married in a church and his wife fell pregnant on honeymoon, when she learnt of our difficulties she told us, quite matter-of-factly, that if we wouldn't ask for God's blessings we shouldn't expect them. I truly don't think she meant to be a massive cow (at least I have to tell myself that or I'd not be able to face her!), I think she genuinely believes that to be how things work. We never told her about the IVF as we couldn't face the argument about interfering with God's plans  

Just to be clear, I'm not bashing religion or people who have strong faith, I'm all for whatever brings an individual some comfort - but it was a 'platitude' we could have done without!!


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## RB76 (Jul 27, 2011)

Oh it's awful. I even had people say it about our child, born living and breathing at 24 weeks.
Goodness knows why people think it's appropriate to say it.


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## WolfyOne (Apr 30, 2014)

I hate that too. If there is anything I have learned it's that infertility is not discriminatory. I can't accept that child abusers were "meant" to have children whilst my wonderful husband was not. It just makes no sense to me.


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## wibble-wobble (Apr 16, 2011)

I hate that statement too! Also hate 'it is what it is'


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Thanks for all the feedback ladies, I'm sure you have experience this many times and will understand how frustrating it can get. 

The 3 times I was pg had to be the happiest I ever felt in my whole life so I never felt like it wasn't to be. It just felt so perfect and meant to be so quiet the opposite of it not being meant to be and this phrase is used at people suffering infertility as well, why would I not be meant to have a baby when drug addicts get them   

Artypants - You have such a beautiful baby, I noticed you went to Spain for treatments. I am hoping to go to Spain soon for ED I have app at my clinic tomorrow to get the ball rolling. Always nice to see others with a happy ending.

Staceysm - Yes your so right people do feel the need to say something when they don't know what to say so the wrong things just come out and its rubbish to bring god into it as if were being punished.

Roxbury1 - Whats the point in science if we cant take advantage of it especially if its to fill a life long dream, we only get one life but like you say its not worth the bother telling your MIL with those beliefs.

RB76 - That must have be very hard to hear when you suffered a loss so far on, I'm so sorry you had to go threw that. You would have bonded so much with your baby. How unfair!

Wolfieone - I'm with you, my DP would make sure a wonderfull daddy and you see some really bad people out there having children they don't deserve  

Sorry if I missed a reply to anyone thanks again Xx


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## Artypants (Jan 6, 2012)

Good luck Victoria, I only have good things to say about Spain, I hope it all works out for you xxx


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