# Just had my heart wrenched out need some support here my friends



## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

My step daughter has given custody of her son to her mother  

This has all come out of the blue and I am heartbroken

My sd and my grandson have lived here most of the time since he was born in May this year and he is the first baby I have ever allowed myself to have any contact with, I have bonded with him so much and love him to death, things started going wrong with my sd 4 weeks ago when she began going out with a lad, they are both only 18 and suddenly babies seemed boring and sd wanted to have a life, we have tried to be reasonable and allow her to go off out and enjoy herself whilst we looked after the baby but she started taking the **** and we had to lay down some ground rules about the amount of time she spent going out with her bf.
We had to remind her that she was the babies mum (not me) she left the baby with her real mum last week because she was moaning about not seeing him enough and I took her over there at the weekend, she decided to stay at her mums for the weekend and phoned me this morning, I thought she was phoning to say she was ready to be picked up but no instead I got my heart wrenched out with her saying that she has decided to give the baby to her mum.
she is moving in with her bf and will be over to collect her things during the week.
I have spoken to her mum (who is a complete *****) and she says we are welcome to come and "visit" our grandson when ever we want.
I am drowning in my own tears here, I cannot believe she has done this after all we have done for her, and I am angry that she has not even talked to us about how she has been feeling.  I am devastated and I hate myself for allowing my barriers to come down with this baby.  I should have trusted my instincts and kept well out of it all for my own self preservation.
please give me some of your encouraging words of wisdom girls (i need them)
Dydie xxxxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Oh God Dydie, i dont know what to say.  except that all that goes on in your life could be mine!!! I know how hard it has been for you to accept this baby with all your own worries and basically sd is just being selfish and doing her own thing.It is probably hard for your opinion to be totally accepted as she is your "stepdaughter".What does your dh(and her father) think of it all?

It is just one more thing for you to worry about - you overcame the fear and resentment to make a go of it for her sake and she has thrown it all back. even worse is that you know what type of person her natural mother is.is it possible even to go thru legal channels and do something that way since your dh is her natural father and she has been living with you? 

The sad thing is that your stepdaughter will never know the double pain you are going thru as she was bloody lucky enough to have a baby herself!!! I know exactly how i would feel in that situation- just like you!! As you know my sdaughters birth mum is a bit of an idiot too and i could see that happening. She probably thinks you are getting on her back rather than worried for her and the baby.I'm not even sure talking to her would sort things out but i do hope they get sorted.

Sorry i am not much help but i am sending you millions of  

Take care and let us know what happens xxxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

I hope you don't mind me utting in but I just saw this post Dydie and I can't believe it after everything you've been through. 

I'm lost for words but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you hun.

Deb


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hey Dydie, 

I'm pretty new here and I don't know you very well... BUT.... There are days for all of us where you have to look skywards and wonder where the hell the world gets off pulling crappy stunts like this. BUT, as the child of parents who were very messed up, leaving me confused as hell, I'm thankful that there were a few people in my life who remained constant and were able to make sense of all of it for me in my later years. I hope that for you you can achieve an attitude of 'what will be will be' towards your step daughter (who will one day, no doubt, suffer internally as a result of these actions, and I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that big decisions like this tend to haunt us) but more importantly, you can be there for that little chap when he needs guidance and help. It'll be a few years before such a moment arises and in the mean time, you have to, (as all of us in similar situations would have to), take steps to protect your heart. 

When we wonder into depressing virgin territory, as you are now, what we girls know better than anyone else is that we can cope with it. We are all living (successfully) with one of the worst things that can happen to someone, and that gives us a lot of insight into dealing with other tough situations. 

My heart goes out to you.


Take good care of YOU!

Leoarna x


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## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Hi Dydie

First of all and most importantly I am sending you lots and lots of   

I know this second bit might not sound to good, but I hope it will help alittle. Your Sd needs to do this, I understand how bloody painful this is for you, but she as made her mind up and no amount of shouting or arguing is going to help, it may make it worse, but Ive read several of your posts and it sounds if she just doesnt know what she wants, at 18 and having a baby must be really confusing for her at the moment.

One thing I will say is (and I know this is easy for me to say ), when and if she decides to come back to collect her things just make sure she knows that you will be there for her if she changes her mind,give her support, she will remember this and you will probably be the first person she turns to when in a few weeks/months she decides shes made a very big mistake and this boyfriend isnt for her.

I hope this gets sorted out a.s.a.p, for everyones sake.

Im sorry if Ive offended anyone, with my approach.

Love karen


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hi Dydie,

also want to give you a huge hug 

What an awful thing to happen. It sounds like you were being absolutely wonderful and I'm so sorry that it's come back and bitten you so badly.

I agree with what Karen has said, as hard as it may feel you must try to keep calm and not lose your head, just let your sd know that you are there for you. Getting angry with her will probably only make things worse and drive her and the baby away from you further.
It must be so desperately hard for you not to feel taken for granted. 18 is such a young age for having children-she sounds very like a child herself and obviously had no idea of the impliactions that having a baby has.

One can only hope that in time she will realise what she has done and try to rectify it. But until then keep strong and take things a day at a time. Is your dh being understanding and supportive about this?

Hope this has helped and I haven't upset you (or anyone else) any more. 

lol ppxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Oh Dydie, I am so sorry to hear this... I actually felt sick to the pit of my stomach for you as well as feeling so sad for you too...  

Its hard to determine exactly what your SD is playing at, because I don't know her... if shes anything like mine then she plays each adult off against each other - and I wonder if this is one of those things that your SD might be doing, the reason why I say this is because it sounds as if she didn't like being told what was what from you and your DH so she decided to go running to her horrible mum instead, knowing full well she would have 'support' for her daft idea... of course, if this woman was worth her salt she would have immediately let your DH and you know what her DD was saying/planning... but apparently she is not, and obviously thinks she has 'won' somehow... sorry if I have gotten the wrong end of the stick here, but thats how I see it, and I know how shi*ty people can be, especially with my own experiences of DH's ex towards me  

Dydie, I know how hard it is to allow yourself to bond with a baby then have them snatched so cruelly away from you - my SIL did the same to me a few years ago, and I too cursed myself for allowing myself to get so close... but this is not a failing on your behalf for doing that, its a testament to what a loving and giving person you are, not that this makes your grief any easier to bear at this moment in time honey. 

The other ladies have given you sound advice - and I would back them up about the staying strong bit in front of her - because to crumble is obviously not going to get you anywhere sweetheart, and you have to think of you and look after you in all of this. Is it possible for you and your DH to present a united front to your SD? That would give her a very clear message that you are both a team and a force to be reckoned with... it sounds as though she is acting like a spoilt brat at the moment, from what you have said of her behaviour in other posts. 

I have to admit I'm not so sure about saying to her you will always be there for her because you have been there for her in every way possible recently, and where has it got you? Nowhere at this moment in time... but thats cynical me talking, and I apologise profusely if I have upset anyone saying this! It sounds as though she knows what she is doing I'm afraid to say, even if she hasn't got the maturity to see what the outcome could be of this - as we all know, hindsight is a great thing! Its hard work when its a 'skid' (my abbreviation for step kid) because you never know where you stand with them, and if they don't want anything further to do with you then thats that, as a step parent you don't seem to have any rights (or thoughts or feelings - pah)!

I am so, so sorry to hear about what has happened and this latest turn of events... I hope your DH is supportive of you Dydie, you are going to need lots of TLC to get through this, we are here for you and with you every step of the way... keep talking to us honey

Lots of love
Emcee xxxxxxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Dydie
I have just seen this and wanted to offer my support and thoughts to you  .
I'm so incredibly sorry that things have taken this horrible twist, and I seriously hope that things improve somehow for you...

The only thing I would say - apart from the above - is that although it must be so hard, don't beat yourself up for dropping your defences with the baby. He needed your love and you gave it to him - and that is an incredibly valuable thing to have done. Even though he is tiny, I'm sure he understood how much you love/d him while he was living with you..no-one can take that away from either of you..

Sending you lots of strength for the next while Dydie  

xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Oh dydie
I feel very saddened to have read your post!!
Everyone has given you such good advice...and being in the position where i do not have a SD or Grandson, my advice maybe not what you are looking for??
All i can say is that Ruby has a point. You gave all the love and support that your Grandson needed. And its not your fault that you bonded with him. Infact as Emcee said this shows what an empathetic and truly lovely person you are..
My concerns are is that you have so many different emotions going on here and the one that really makes me worried is...You!!... and how this is affecting you!!!
You also have so many issues going on here too. It must hurt that your SD did not consult you and your DH,especially as you have both been the most supportive. So i am sure you feel very let down and HURT!!!
As everyone else has mentioned maybe your SD is not mature enough to cope. She is young and maybe just panicked and took what she thought was the easiest option at the time?
Is she still seeking something from her own mother, i wonder and thats why she went to her?
The other thing that maybe will be worth thinking about? Rather than thinking you have lost that input with your Grandson. Could you share the responsbility with his upbringing? Maybe your SD Mother might not beable to cope with him full time?Maybe you could speak to your SD and arrange for times to have your grandson. This may ease some of the pain you are feeling at the moment and the lose will not feel so great!! Its all a shock and i am sure very raw at the moment. Maybe in a couple of days time you will beable to get your head around it and find it alittle easier to deal with...
What does your hubby think?
All i can say i am so sorry....i really feel for you and wish i could take some of that HURT away from you!!!
Lots of love astridxxx


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Dydie - Sending the hugest of hugs to you  . What a deeply painful position to find yourself in, especially after all you have gone through with your own battles to be a Mum. Life can be so very nasty at times, but I just hope with all my heart that the unconditional love you have given so freely to everyone else in this situ, will find it's rich reward in unforeseen ways. Thinking of you and hoping some answers to all this heartache will show themselves very soon. 

Love
Hippy
xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Dydie honey, how are you doing today?
I'm thinking of you...

Lots of love from me xxxx


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Hi Dydie, we haven't met before but I just had to reply to your post honey, I want to give you a huge  .  

I can only imagine how much your SD's actions are hurting you.  The girls have already given you lots of really good and supportive advice sweetheart.  The only thing I can add to it is, your SD's mother might not be so pleased about the situation after a few months of it!  It sounds to me like you did most of the hard work in bringing up your grandson.  Your SD's mother might not be as lenient as you were!  Your SD probably hasn't realised just how much love and support both her and her child received from you.  Therefore, all might not be lost yet.  

I agree with the advice given not to lose your cool if at all poss with your SD.  Just let her know that you are not pleased with her actions, but that you are still there for your grandson.

Thinking of you and hope you are coping Dydie hun.
Love and hugs
Tracy
xx


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hi Dydie,

just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking of you and send you big hugs-keep strong hun.

Looking forward to the meet on the 29th-hope you can make it.

lol pp xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Dydie,

I was so saddened to read your post.  You have been through so much already and have been so strong, I am so, so sorry .....

All I can say, I can empathise.  I was in a similar situation recently myself.  Last year, my only brother met a girl with a 1 year old baby.  Before long, she was calling him Daddy.  I had no time to prepare for this.  It all happened so quickly.  At first, I couldn't go near her, I avoided family events as I just couldnt stand it (all the happy family stuff and my Mum and Dad suddenly becoming Gran and Grandpa for the first time ...)  Anyway, I knew I couldn't run away forever so like you, I forced myself to be strong, make the effort and face up to things....... Over time, I slowly began to realise I was actually striking up a relationship with this wee one and used to get SOOOO excited getting ready to go over and see her.  I loved it when she jumped up and down with excitement to see me walking up the path towards her door.  She was sooooo adorable, blonde, cute, funny .....    I really thought the man upstairs had brought her into my life for a reason......  Then BANG, they split up.    Of course, because the wee one wasn't my brother's "biological" child, he doesn't see her any more and neither do the rest of us.

For weeks I'd have vivid dreams about her, waking up in tears, I missed her sooo much.  It was so hard.  The only way I coped was to try and shut her out my mind altogether but I can't tell you how difficult and cruel and hellish it was.  I still miss her to this day and think about her every day.

However, the one thing I take from all this is the strength I know I must have.  Also, I have realised that I don't need to shy away from babies/children because I now know if I make the effort, it can be something wonderful and I have memories that I will always treasure and now, I am grateful for being able to experience that happy time.

Unfortunately, nothing in life is guaranteed and I think we just have to really enjoy the good times ..... although I understand how much this hurts huni, really I do .....

Who knows, as one of the girls already said, it sounds like your SD changes her mind about what she wants all the time and you never know, I have a feeling the baby WILL be back in your life again.  All I can say is please don't let this hurt you're feeling just now, close you up and shut you out from opportunities in future because it would be such a waste if you were to miss out on something wonderful for fear of being hurt again huni .....

I really hope things sort themselves out very soon for you, life can be so cruel can't it?  It's sooo unfair .....

Thinking of you,
(((((( HUGS ))))))
Gill xo


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## hellibump (Sep 21, 2006)

i have just fount this site today myself i have step children and they hate me i cant imagine how you fell but if you want to chat about anything let me know.

My cousin is about to have her baby any day now and we are very close but i am so afraid to bond with the baby too when she comes i love my cousin as though she were my child.

be gentle with yourself


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## Prue (Jul 31, 2006)

Hi Dydie,
Have just come back off my hols and noticed your post.
How are you hunny?
I'm so sorry your having to go through this.
Sending you a huge  
Thanking of you,
love
Prue.xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Dydie
As Prue said ...how are you?
Hows things going for you?
I hope that you are taking time for yourself...

Thinking of you...
lots of love astridx


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