# LilyElf's Adoption Journey



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I thought I would do a diary to document where we are and where we are going. I've also got a 5 year diary at home which I write in a couple of lines each day - I think it will be very interesting to look back next year and the year after etc and see how much has changed, or stayed the same.

DH and I started ttc several years ago not long after we married. I always had a gut feeling that something was wrong and I wouldn't conceive. I tried to push that little voice away but I kind of knew something was up. After a couple of years of reading every fertility book and blog on the planet we started tests which came back clear. My periods were always little monsters and coupled with other symptoms I started to face the fact that I had endometriosis.  I hadn't wanted to admit it, but it seemed from everything I had read that this would be the case. I went to see my GP who booked me in for lap & dye on the strength of this.  They said I had mild and superficial endo at the time but the irony with endo, as other sufferers will know, is that the about of pain you experience doesn't correlate to the amount of endo you have. Endo also 'grows back' after 6 months of treatment or so and is basically incurable. I am one of those people who goes through hell each month even though my endo is allegedly mild....several years on and I'm not so sure it is anymore as my symptoms have got a lot worse.

I had always wanted to adopt and DH caught me up before too long. My sister also has IF and she had gone down this route. DH and I decided against fertility treatments from the off.  I think they are wonderful, but for me, I couldn't put myself through it and ethically felt I should be adopting if I didn't have children naturally. I felt I should adopt even if I did have children naturally. I work in a job which shows me a lot about children in care and being exposed to that sort of thing on a daily basis really cemented my strong feelings about adoption.

In February / March 2012 we took the plunge and got in touch with our LA.  We went on an information morning in April which was interesting and information. Our SW then came to see us in June as an initial visit and then came again in August to really get the ball rolling and start the HS. It all happened pretty quickly from then. We did the 4 day prep course in the Autumn and went to panel in December 2012.

We then started the waiting part of the game. Adoption is tough in that all the way through you are jumping through hoops and over hurdles and you have barely celebrated passing one challenge before another arises. Once the approval panel was over that was a huge relief. But I was SO ready to hear about our LO. So ready. I was pleased to have Christmas to recover but I was hoping in the New Year we'd get a phone call quite quickly. We got to the end of January and a phone call came. But it wasn't 'the' phone call'. I got very excited because DH took the call instead of me and I thought it might be the right match. I was in a state all day and when I got home we looked at the profile together. My heart sank. He was beautiful but he wasn't the right match for very good reasons and we knew it. We said a prayer that he woudl find his forever family soon. It was really hard. I felt very gutted. A couple of months later we did an open day and viewed lots of profiles of LOs. Some of them were so gorgeous.  There were a couple of littlies we were quite taken with, but again, we knew there weren't right for us. We were also asked if we wanted to see another profile but just from hearing about it we said no.  It was getting tougher and tougher and I was starting to wonder if our LO really was out there. People who don't know anything about adoption don't understand the process - they think it's a simple case of two parents being given whichever child needs a home when in reality it is so much more complicated than that.  

The waiting was probably the hardest bit in many ways. Day after day I would trudge into a job I hated and pray that the phone would ring and we would hear about our match. Day after day the phone didn't ring. Every time DH texted me my heart would leap; this got a bit tiresome after a while! 

Then finally, when, as they say, we were least expecting it, the phone call DID come.  We had booked a week off work over Easter and been doing huge, huge work on our garden.  We were physically exhausted at the end of that week and could barely move. Around 4pm on the friday afternoon the phone rung.  Our SW wanted us to see a profile. She had already said we were interested to the LO's SW who had sent it through without even asking us and had sent them our CPR. She said she felt this was too good to miss. We raced down to SS and viewed the profile. Whilst she was on the phone telling us about it I felt really weird and spaced out. I felt dizzy and really sick. It was a very strange feeling and I knew that I was hearing about our LO. I was in a total daze.

We read all about LO properly over the weekend as there were a couple of things that needed careful consideration and made the decision to go ahead with the match.  Then we waited some more. And some more. LO's SW wasn't come back to us to say that they also wanted us.  We chased every week. Three weeks later to the day our SW sent an email to say that she had finally heard back. We were in a 'competitive matching' situation and there was another couple interested. 

Well that was bloody awful to be honest. I spent the weekend in an absolute state. I was devastated and thought we were going to be taken out of the game. My heart was breaking. I can't explain it but we had been utterly convinced that this LO was for us and to be put in a situation which we had never been warned could happen where we were competing with another faceless couple who probably felt as terrible as we did was horrendous.

I got home on monday night and DH wanted me to read an email from SW. My heart sank but a little smile on his face told me that it was good news.  And it was!!!! We were the favourite couple and they wanted to proceed with US. We told the both our parents at that point. We were so utterly relieved and happy.

That very week we met LO's SW who is lovely.  And this week we met LO's FC.

We are going to panel in June and will hopefully have our LO home with us around 3 weeks later after ratifcation / intros etc.

So far it has been an emotional rollercoaster and at times both DH and I feel utterly overwhelmed, but then I take a little look at our LO's photograph and I start to feel that bubble of excitement again


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## nicola jane (May 14, 2013)

hi..congrats on your match..i also have endo but after years of many miscarriages finally got diagnosed with an hereditary blood disorder after going through many ivf treatments..we too have been matched with two lo,s and mp is 3rd june! its so exciting but every time the phone rings i expecting it to be bad news..just like to wish you lots of luck and enjoy the feeling of parenthood at your finger tips   xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks nicola - congratulations and all the best for 3 June! Not long at all! Ours is the week after so we will probably be meeting and bringing our respective LOs home around the same time! x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Lovely!  You are so similar to us, we tried but never conceived (not very hard to be honest as I felt there we already enough LO's out there that needed us) and then went direct to Adoption.  

We go to Matching panel on 6 June so will hopefully be celebrating with you (and nicola jane), then we can panic with each other over intros, bringing LO home, sleeping, feeding, getting over the loss of FC etc etc and all the wonderful happy moments that come with having a child to love and care for.   

Good luck for June!! What a month it will be!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

How exciting auntie katie! Its going to be fun watching our posts change over the coming weeks as we meet our LOs and bring them home. Its lovely to share this journey with all the lovely people on FF and hear updates and news x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Very exciting times.  It all happens so fast once it starts and the process involved in getting there is exhausting in and of itself - I hope you're getting as much rest as you can!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I am trying wyxie...but I find sleep is so disturbed because my mind is constantly whizzing! I can spend whole nights dreaming about cots!! Haha!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I was exactly the same tbh, started the introductions knackered.  Not ideal, but we survived, just about!


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Well we're feeling pretty ecstatic at the moment! I only have 9 days left at work for starters . Pixie's FC is lovely and has been sending us lots of piccies. These have made us so happy! Even though we haven't met her yet, we feel like we're getting to through the photos of her doing various things and all the descriptions of her. We can't wait to meet her and in a few weeks time she will be at home with us starting life in her forever family  . Her room is nearly ready and looks gorgeous and toys and clothes are starting to land from lovely people.

This is a really lovely part of the process ..... she isn't a reality yet, still a bit of a dream, but a dream that is becoming more real every day and will soon come true.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Well I haven"t had a chance to update this for a while! Not sure how far I will get as LO is quietly playing right now whilst her dinner cooks!

She has now been home just over 3 weeks! The first week was pretty tough to be honest. No matter how prepared you think you are, it still hits you like a ton of bricks. I hadn't really prepared myself (and nor is it possible to) for two things:-

1. The fact that your time to yourself really is gone - you don't get 5 minutes, and that's no exaggeration

2. How guilty you feel when that love you know you WILL feel isn't there instantly.

Love grows in any relationship and it's no different when adopting, even when you are fortunate enough to have a baby who is placid, gorgeous, happy, well-adjusted and sleeps all night! But I'm happy to say that I am definitely getting there in the 'love' stakes.

My mum lent me her Dr. Spock book the other day - the original version from the 60s which saw her though myself and my siblings childhoods. I have to say it's been a massive help. There are lots of behaviours I'm not sure about; what is normal and what isn't etc. I'm pleased to say LO is firmly in the 'normal' category.

I also wasn't prepared for quite how into everything and on the go a one year old is. I have babyproofed, but a nearly walking baby can find mischief and danger where there is none - she makes her own  

DH is settling into it all extremely well, he is very supportive and when he comes home from work he will dive straight in to bath & bedtime, or sometimes take her out in the baby carrier with the dogs to give me some time out. She LOVES the dogs. This was a big concern and worry of mine, I was extremely anxious about it in case she didn't like them - I had visions of her crying everytime she saw them and they came close, screaming when they barked.....but no, she crawls up bold as brass and holds her hand out for it to be licked (and worse) and trys to share her meals and snacks with them. I do turn a blind eye at times as I don't want to get in the way of their bonding. My female dog is never far from her side and guards her diligently, my boy sleeps by her (closed) bedroom door guarding her also. It's pretty adorable.

So that is my positive update - and it is positive as today is a good day. Not all days are, I readily admit that. Some days are just plain awful - she is teething so will cry at every little thing, I will be impatient or feeling a bit down. On days like today I feel like we're getting there, but we tend to average one good day followed by one bad day at the moment and I think thats just a case of ME adjusting really.

*Wasn't so happy last night when I found that DH had fed LO's dinner to the dogs thinking it was stuff she had left over!! I had carefully prepared two portions - I'm a bit of an organic mummy and spent a good amount of time preparing her a healthy, yummy tea.... I had a right strop when I found out and stormed upstairs, DH meekly apologised. LOL! Ups and downs!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Home made organic dinners I'm very impressed. Glad you are establishing a routine the three of you. The dogs are adorable how cute sleeping by her door xx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

oh little elf I just had to reply to say what a great diary entry!
Life sounds hard but wonderful - I hope you feel that's a fair summary!
It's lovely to hear about the dogs - aren't animals just ace. She sounds like a bundle of fun and you and your DH are being a top team. I'm glad you are feeling the love.
Thanks for the warnings - the no time thing is something I slightly worry about. One the many downsides of having been without children for soooo long is that we are very used to plenty of R&R and quiet time. 
good luck for it becoming two good days to every tough one!
best
gettina


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

You will get used to it quite quickly gettina...and also if you take turns when DH is around, or get him to do more at the weekends, it will be fine. For example I'm able to do this nos because DH has taken her out in the ergo carrier with the dogs


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Lily, I am with you on all counts!!  We were absolutely not prepared for this child to demand so much when you have only just met them and don't love them yet, but we are starting to see the glimmer of love and the wonderful hugs BB gives are getting more and more frequent, as he settles things get easier and I can see the future dawning a little brighter each day ...


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I really struggle with the no me time as well.  The only time I get is the 3-4 times a week I go running or swimming, and both kids hate it.  Although hubby is happy to be fairly hands on with both kids, it's all about Mummy in our house.  I am the one whose required, by Bladelet because he wants me, and by Wyxling because she needs to control me, so any absences are definitely paid for afterwards!  In their eyes daddy should get home from work and go and cook dinner and do the other things that need to be done because Mummy has to be in attendance 24/7.  It can be tough at times.  Honestly, I would kill for a day on my own in the house just to bloody clean it right now, let alone any time to actually sit and relax!

Glad things seem to be going well.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I know that feeling wyxie! Ten minutes on my own is absolute bliss! Sometimes it helps me feel more able to step back into it, at others I resent it because I've had a taste of 'me time' again! The other day **drumroll** I went to the shop on my own and DH stayed with her.....I felt like skipping all the way as felt weird to be pram free....and that's after only a month! But I'm not complaining about taking her everywhere, I remind myself I've wanted this for years. But it is a shock to the system after being so selfish for so long!


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