# Christmas



## barlismum (Sep 16, 2011)

I just wondered if other childless women found Christmas a particularly difficult time of year or is it just me?.....Going into shops and hearing christmas carols and seeing santas grottos etc, i still feel my eyes welling up and i have to take a deep breath....I always imagined a house with children excitedly opening presents on christmas day and big family gatherings..


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## brownowl23 (Jan 3, 2006)

HI Barlismum

Before finally having kids, yes I felt exactly the same as you. Christmas is so geared towards the children and without them Christmas feels so empty. so many reminders of what you havent yet got.  Such a hard time for those people who havent been blessed with thier dreams

Hugs for you and all other people still strugggling on the journey this christmas. 

Chris


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

Yes, hun.  I find Christmas awful.  More so since losing a LO who would have been 1 this October.  Christmas isn't about us somehow, and I find it very empty and pointless.

I hope you can find good people to spend it with.  I am lucky to have my husband and his lovely family.


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

I have to agree, I find things hard at this time of year too its a reminder yet again of what we don't have and what we would have given anything for..  a family of our own. Quite frankly I would like to hibernate till its all over and done with,think I have a touch of the bah humbugs going on lol.   Big hugs to everyone who is finding things tough at the minute,  x


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## Natsch (Jul 28, 2010)

Hi,
I'm new here recently went through our last negative cycle- AND yes this time of year is a killer! 
For me, it feels like I can't participate in the whole Christmas season (and don't really want to) as it's so much about families and children. I was so looking forward to creating our own family traditions, buying stocking fillers, baking mince pies for Father Christmas...you know the stuff.... and it's really hard to think about this never happening. 
It's just Dh my mum and me for Christmas and we don't have any other family..... I used to really like Christmas but it's just so boring and predictable now....I was so looking forward to having a family Christmas which will now never happen!  
It's just so sad
Love Natsch xx


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi Ladies 

Yep Christmas can hurt 

I did a general post for all people who are going to struggle this year but wanted to add a link to it here as I popped a few tips on it that might be of use:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=277332.msg4790698#new

I think for us here on the moving on boards Christmas is especially difficult for us. At the moment im doing ok  first christmas ever I have to say and how long it lasts is another thing  But for the moment im enjoying putting the tree up and wrapping the presents and planning treats for us (nothing glam or expensive just nice eats and drinks along with some funny dvd's ) But I know that Christmas night will hit me when we come home from being with millions of family ..... to just us  My sensible head says I know this and that by now I should control my feelings ............... but we all know it dont work like that 

Big hugs for everyone 

Love

Debs xxx


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## Hopeandgrace (Oct 28, 2010)

Just had to add my 2 cents worth of woe here too. Christmas is especially tough for me and DP as both our first to PG's were due on Christmas day - freaky or what. So it's hard not to think of what could have been each time Dec 25th rolls around. We've just suffered a 3rd loss (due date was June 21st and I was thrilled - mid-summer's day seemed like such a good sign!) and will be getting over that this Christmas. I find the whole period highlights what we're missing. I don't even want to get a tree this year as it seems so pointless. Everything does. Sorry, I'm not helping, but perhaps there's some consolation in knowing you're not alone.

Hugs,

Hope xoxoxo


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## Blue66 (Dec 8, 2011)

I totally understand , I have been in tears several times this week , it's hard to get excited or even want to partake in Christmas , I was sure that last Christmas would have been our last without a little one but not meant to be .

Christmas isn't always a joyous occasion sometimes it can be more of a reminder of what you don't have. 

Maybe next year will be the year x


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## Hopeandgrace (Oct 28, 2010)

Blue, you're right about thinking "I'm sure this Christmas will be the last without a baby in my arms". That sounds all too familiar. Really hoping that it's true THIS TIME!!!! If only we could look into a crystal ball .. .it's save so much uncertainty and pain.

Big hug, ladies xoxox

And hey, at least we can have some mulled wine


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## Susan01 (Aug 12, 2009)

Christmas is hard. I've been pretty good on the whole, but had a real dip today. I hate getting the christmas cards with photos of the children another year older. This was the first year I looked forward to christmas with a bump. I would have been so proud - but it wasn't to be.


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## mooers (Feb 19, 2011)

I found writing the Christmas cards so hard today. Having to sign them all from just DH and I again. Just feels like a club everyone else belongs to, that we can't be a part of.


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## kittenorcub (Mar 5, 2010)

You are most def not alone Barlismum - all the sentiments already expressed here are so familiar. Two years ago we had THE DREAM - I was looking forward to a one month old baby with whom to celebrate our first christmas as a family of 3 - that was taken from us at nearly 20 weeks. 

Since that Christmas I just told family/ what friends we had left after we isolated ourselves in our grief, that we would not be "doing" Christmas anymore. No tree, no decs, no cards, no Christmas Day get together and meal - nothing. Some of them didn't understand - they said, we would get over it and time would heal. I just thought to myself "They'll get over it" - most of them did - those that didn't, well; "Tough" I say. I cannot cope with other people's expecations anymore - it is just one day after all, and unless you celebrate the religious side, for most people it os over by The Queen's speech anyway!

Now on Christmas day it is DH and I, in PJs all day with yummy treats/fast food and old movies. We shut the World out and just enjoy being together. The constant stream of adverts (like my "pet hate" at the moment is that John Lewis one with the little boy who can't sleep because he cannot wait to give his parents his gift) featuring beaming children's faces, and "happy family" scenes, makes me feel such an outsider that I just get bitter. I know that we are not at the end of the road yet, but we are so nearly there, and there are many dark nights when I think to myself "How on earth will I deal with this?".

As for getting the endless stream of Christmas cards - well, I used to hate the ones with the Round Robin letters telling tales of people's children, their achievements, often with photos of their happy families thrown in. In the end I thought, "No More". Self preservation kicked in - I asked politely if people could not send those to me - I explained that much as I was glad they were not living my personal hell, I could not cope with the day of crying I had everytime one of those bloody things landed on the doormat! Miraculously they listened! Now some of my friends even just sign their cards "From M and family" and leave it at that - so that I don't get the long list of names of children, just rubbing my face in the fact that it has been for so long just the two of us!

People probably think I am too highly strung; too sensitive; too "touchy"; too Bah humbug! about it all, but all I say to that is, you wouldn't parade around in front of someone who was starving with handfuls of cream cakes would you?, so just because my pain is less obvious, why should I be treated with less care and empathy? It is the Season of Goodwill after all!!

Sorry for the rant  - I could go on forever about this - you should hear what I feel about Mother's Day!!!

Kittenxxxx


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## karenann (May 22, 2010)

I have to say I agree with all the sentiments shared here - Christmas is so very hard without children - this year I have found it especially difficult. Kitten everything you said just summed up how I feel - my DH likes Christmas so we do the tree etc... but I would much rather stay in PJ's and curl up and read. This year my in laws have been particularly difficult   - they just seem to drop us like a hot potato in December in favour of the sibling who has children - and everytime I see them they go on about spending time with the grandchildren and seeing santa with them blah blah - it's like they don't want us at christmas because we don't have children - which just makes us feel more isolated and left out.   Like Kitten I could go on about this all night.

Sending you all big    Karenann xxxx


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## kittenorcub (Mar 5, 2010)

Karenann  , yep, we too are the "big elephant in the room"!!! Noone knows how to "handle" us because for so very long we put on a brave face - so many times I would grin through the parties filled with children running about, babies being thrust at me, swollen bellies, and then come home and ball my eyes out for what seemed like days.

Then after what happened to us in 2009, I came "clean" to everyone about the 5 IVFs (we had been private up until then, and bore every disappointment in private and pretty much silently). and I no longer pretended. Now, if someone invites me to a "gathering" I straight out say _"Thanks, but there will be too many triggers for me, and I cannot cope, so I won't be coming, sorry..." _rather than coming up with some lie to save face. It really helped me to be honest - but some people definitely found that hard - it seems people do better if _you_ make things _easier for them_!

We told everyone not to expect Christmas cards - my in-laws _(who incidentally buy Christmas pressies for any random child they can, because DH is an only child! and forever go on about other people's grandchildren and their exploits but who never ask me how I am doing, or how I coped with the last surgery etc!!!!_  _)_ have been told that we won't be "doing" Christmas - they may not like it, but there you are. Again, I used to pretend with them, but 6 months ago I came "clean" to them too - about how hurtful it was that they seemed to care more about strangers than me even though I've known them for 22 years, that vicariously living their grandparenthood through other people's children was also hurtful to DH, etc. Haven't spoken to MIL for 6 months, so every cloud has a silver lining 

Anyway, it's _nearly_ over everyone - now we all have to get through the New Year - this year I have promised myself that I will try *not to say* to myself that 2012 will be "our year"; that I will try *not to say *this will have been the last Christmas childless; blah, blah, blah - you all know the Mantra don't you? We have all done it, right? I am just going to say, *Let 2012 be happy and healthy* and leave it at that - if I can go one year without general anaesthetic, it will be an achievement!!

Take care All and bless all your 2012s

Kittenxxxx


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## angela123 (Feb 15, 2010)

Bilmey Kittenorcub, I know I shouldnt post here but........
you could have pinched those thoughts right out of my head!!!! I too have promised myself that I will not do the old '"2012 will be our year" crap...such high expectations are bound to lead to dissappontment, i have found that unlike a lot of people here i have stopped telling family and friends about my ivf trauma.... i feel weight of there expectation too... the 2ww then bfn...if anything it makes it worse if that is possible.....so to all family and friends we are not trying anymore and to be honest i feel that it is my 1st step to letting go of my dream....and i feel some of the burden has lifted...I also pray for a genaral anaesthetic free year also...I had 5 last year.....and many more in past times.....


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## kittenorcub (Mar 5, 2010)

Angela123 - I am sorry to read your signature of the list of BFNs - it's totally &*%* isn't it? I am so glad that Christmas and New Year are over - what we put ourselves through is unbelievable and those who just fall pregnant "naturally" have no idea! New Year this year I thought about how many babies would be "made" after the bells chimed! All those lucky people who actually have fun "making babies". No ovulation predictors, no needles or operations, no dreaded 2WW, no £1000s if not tens of £1000s down the drain. Sigh!  

I have not given up yet but we are really close I think - I just cannot spend another decade of my life putting everything on hold and feeling like it is just one round after another of bitter disappointment! I wasted my thirties and early 40s on this and when I hit 50 in 6 years, I don't want to look back and think I wasted 20 years on TTC.

I want to be happy in 2012 - no operations, no sitting in the EPU in the wee small hours waiting for emergency scans, no being dosed up to the eyeballs on fertility meds! Last year I lost all the weight I had gained from my 5 IVFs (2.5 stones) and so atleast this year I don't have to say my  goal is to lose weight - all I need to do now is figure out what my goal should be!

Take care all

Kittenxx


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Hi ladies, I don't wish the stifle the lovely support you have going here but I do need to remind you that this board is for those who have exhausted all treatment options and face a life without children. I notice several of you are still on the tx wagon at the moment and I would suggest it might be more appropriate for you to take the conversation over to the equivalent thread for those in your position, which you can find here: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=277332.0



Caz


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