# a post



## wishing4miracle (Sep 7, 2006)

where do i start......

we found out when we were 22/23 that we had probs with fertility.went on clomid for 6 cycles with no success.it was as if it was taken from us the gift of being parents.that we would never be parents.we were too young to be allowed onto any nhs list.

money was never ready available only if we saved hard.i found out about egg sharing at the lister.we knew really this was our only option.but at least i was very happy to think if i produced enough eggs i couple maybe help another lady.first cycle went through a cycle but it ended in a negative.so we went onto another cycle which was a positive.it wasent ment to be.i started spotting at 5+5.went for a scan at 5+6.i thought wed lost our baby but we hadnt it was just the one on the screen in the right place,but then i went onto mc at 6+6.it was the most horrible and sadest thing that has happened in my life.it still hurts me now thinking about it.we thought it would be best to keep moving so we went for a cycle 6 months later that was a bfp.we went for a scan at 7wks and found out we were having twins.at 11+5 i started bleeding .went for a scan they were both fine.one morn i had to dash for toilet as bleeding got bad.sat on loo and there was red blood and a plop into the loo.thought it was one of the twins but no was a large clot.bled for 7wks but all was fine.found out at 20wks it was 2 boys.was so happy.got spd really bad from 14/15wks and didnt go back to work.we bought lots of little and big things for boys.never dreamt that it was all real.my waters broke at 36+4 thought i was wee'ing at first but no.had csection at 36+5.most strangest feeling but was all ok after.still didnt feel real.looking at my gorgous boys in their little hospital cribs.being moved from one hospital to the next.
they will be 2 next month.we are very lucky to have our boys.i yearn to have another baby but the yrs go past so fast in waiting.weve not been preventing anything from happening but not trying really either.they are our little miracles.yes they can fight and scream and test me but i wish i could be pg again.i loved seeing my body change.feeling life within me.but it really does saden me deeply that i may never experience that again.never have another baby.yes i have our boys and im gratefull.but deep down i do wonder what it would be like to have another,a little girl maybe.i might never know what a little girl would look like made from me and dh.never be able to dress one up in frilly clothes and hair bands.never to be able to sit on her bed and brush her hair and do what mother and daughters do.play dollys.little frilly dresses.

is it bad to yearn these things??its like greiving for never having another and never having the chance to maybe have a girl.that i may never see a little me.having another baby would be lovely also but a little girl would be nice.i feel bad for feeling this.dh doesnt think i would be able to cope with another at the min.i had a hard pg and dont know if would cope running around the boys pg.so we will wait for afew yrs but it may never happen.i shall not know till the boys are alittle older.

i dont know why im posting but just felt i wanted to.i hope you dont feel its bad of me to feel like this ,im just hurting.i wish i could click my fingers and say yes im pg and were having another baby but our lives are never that simple....


----------



## Tillypops (Nov 7, 2005)

Hun, just wanted to send you some    .

Nobody questions when people who can conceive "normally" has these feelings.  They are completely valid and IF makes them even harder to deal with.  

I'm not sure what to suggest to help you cope hun.  I hope somebody will come along with some good advice, but in the meantime keep posting here if it helps.

More     

Love
Tilly
xxxxx


----------



## sabah m (Jul 11, 2008)

Hi wishing, i could have written the post,    

Why aren't our children enough for us?  And I am wracked with guilt for it but am dying inside thinking this is it.  I am not suicidal but do feel sometimes death will be easier to living like this, with this need that might never be fulfilled.  I too fantasise about having a daughter, I really would like a son to grow up with my beautiful DS though, I just want a baby so I can enjoy those first few precious weeks that go so fast, I loved feeling my baby move and prodding me in my sleep when he wanted me to change position...I think about leaving my husband and meeting someone else just so I don't have to pay for more treatment...then I think I might not get pregnant anyway.  I have a close friend who lost her womb through cancer, and as her life expectancy is five years, she is 38, her whole life has fallen apart as she just wated to be a mum.  I know I have so much in comparisen but it just doesn't make my pain feel any less.  It hurts so much reading your post and knowing others hurt the same way, why is life like this?  I am a strong christian but I'm questioning why God made bodies that don't conceive when the desire is so strong, then there's thousands of unwanted pregnancies.  My mum had 3 terminations, fell pregnant at the drop of a hat when she wanted babies.  

Tell me about your boys, what amazing things are they getting up to these days?  Noah has learned to say poo poo and whack himself between the legs to let mw know he's ready for changing, its hilarious!


----------



## KW33 (Apr 10, 2006)

I have a most beautiful daughter who I adore but still yearn for more children, the feeling of being unfulfilled is dreadful... feel hopeless as pretty sure it will never happen so can completely understand where you are coming from


----------

