# ARGHHHHHHH I just don't know what to do!!!!!!!



## lia 18 (Feb 27, 2007)

Hi ya all!!!!!

I have been reading the threads for a while and I have posted 2 and the help and advice received has been grate, but i am still sooooo confused.

We are having to go through ici using donor sperm and my husband is dead against anyone ever knowing so there is only our parents who know and they have promised to never say anything. But i am still frightened that any children we are lucky to have may find out and I just want to do what is best for our family!!!!!!!!

Reading everyones threads and other information on the web it is clear that the general consensus is that any children concieved using donor sperm or eggs should know and all I want to do is the right thing!!!!!

I am just so confused can anyone please help!!!!!!!!!

Lia


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## *Suze* (Sep 16, 2005)

Hi Lia

oh honey, its so hard and you have to do what's right for you 

My husband and I took along time to come to the decision to use donor sperm, just to make sure we were 100% happy and decided early on that we would tell our child/ren how they were concieved right from the very beginning. I do agree with you about not telling 'everyone' about using a donor however i feel its a child's right to know where they came from.

I hope I dont offend you when i say that it does sound slightly worrying that your dh wont discuss it with anyone, maybe he's trying to hide the issue rather than talk about it? 

have you tried councelling? or the donor conception network? they have some brill literature about how children concieved via a donor are affected when they are told or not told

hope that helps and please feel free to join us over on the 'anyone using donor sperm' thread as there are a few of us having treatment at the moment

love
Suze xx


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## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Hi Lia

I'm in the same position as you only a LOT older!

I do think it is best and far less stressfull all round for it not to be a secret.  So, yeah, okay you don't go around announcing at parties or anything       but it is best to get it out in the open.  Secrets have a way of coming out all by themselves at the most inappropriate times.  

Have just spoken to Hubbie and he says it is not something that men will talk about even to another man with the same problem.   Although, as Suze says, counselling might help, I have my doubts as to whether your dear hubbie would agree to it or, if he did, whether he would actually talk about it when you got there!  But I suppose it's worth a try.  

Be gentle with him and work at him slowly.  I'm sure he'll come around eventually with some kind, considerate, loving, sensible and practical arguments put to him over time.  Do you think?  

Finally, please don't worry too much about this at the moment as you have to get pregnant first!  I'm sure once that wonderful thing happens all sorts of changes in attitudes will be induced.  

Good luck sweetie.


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## lia 18 (Feb 27, 2007)

Thank you Griselda and Suze for your advice and support, 

I really don't know what to do yet, we are going for counselling on the 30th June so maybe something will come out of that, I do believe that the child(ren) should know where they are from and I just want to do what is best for my family, without hurting my husband. ARGHHHH why is nothing simple eh!!!!!!

We started talking last night and he had gone from us never mentioning to - it is something that we could discuss when they are slightly older.

I have also tried getting on the donor conception network but for some unusual reason i cant register as a member, i will try again though!!!!!  

Thank you again for your advice I really am grateful

 

Lia
xxx


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## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Hey Lia no probs hun.  Told you he'd come round eh?    Men just take a bit of time to adjust to things.    When we first found out about my Hubbie's problem he was mortified of the idea of anyone ever finding out.  But he's a lot more relaxed about the whole deal now he's had time to get used to it and been to lots of appointments n' stuff.

I've just had my initial appointment for DIUI and understand that the counselling is now a compulsory requirement due to HFEA guidelines if you are to use a donor.  No bad thing.  So we've got to go together next week too.  I'm sure Hubbie will just sit there and hmm and harr and nod in the appropriate places.   

Good luck with everything.

Luv
G x


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Lia
Sorry you seem to be having trouble with our site.  I wonder if you have tried to register for our Forum but without becoming a member first.  Our Forum is a bit different to FF, you need to join the Network first before being able to post.  You can, however, download many of our leaflets free of charge...and as from yesterday see the photo of our daughter and read her story from the Home Page.
Olivia


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