# Single Ladies and Moving On



## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Rose39 and Felix42 mentioned in my other post/topic that it was a good idea to start a topic about moving on without having a child. Or at least that is how understood their response.

Although I hope somehow by some miracle   I can still have a child, i.e. why I came back to the this board, I know realistically I won't be able to.

I know I am having a hard time letting go because I still feel young enough to be capable of raising a child but not the financial means to try another go at fertility treatments with a surrogate, donor eggs, and donor sperm here in the US. Even if I somehow cough up the money, I worry that I will not have enough money to hire a nanny while I work and do everything in my power to support us.

Then I worry if I don't try will anyone be there when I die (selfish of me I know)...Then I wonder what do I do with myself if I don't have a child to worry about. I feel like a child will help me with not feeling so isolated (because of my depression) as well as I would do everything in power to ensure that the baby would be a happy well rounded child.

Selfish feelings to want to be a parent...

I wonder how do I let go of something that was never meant to be. I hope that maybe I could find some support here but know maybe I won't but maybe it will help other single ladies struggling with letting go of their dreams of being a parent.


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

I'm posting this only because I guess I don't know what else to do really. I keep hoping someone will be able to answer my prayers for an answer of  how to let go or demand that God help me have a child of my own. Maybe in the end this will be nothing but a waste of time.
I sit here and wonder what I did to deserve my depression and then have my ability to have children taken away from me.  I sit here and wonder what do I do now.
Steps I have tried to let go...
I researched volunteering to ease my pain and to help me let go but volunteering will either require too much of my time, which I don't have considering I work full time and/or the application process is exactlly like that of trying to find a job, i.e. application, interview, rejection or acceptance. Therefore volunteering is not for me.
I would try to throw myself into work but it is a dead end job that just pays the bills. So no help there easing my pain.
Tried to have a dog but couldn't train the dog too well and had to find a replacement home for her. Hoping bad dog parenting skills don't translate to bad parenting skills.
Trying to find a hobby but I don't know what I like. 
So now what else to do?
Hoping against all hopes that someone talks with me and this doesn't end up as a personal journey to letting go of having children.


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi Wishing

huge hugs for what you are going through.  I can hear the tumoil in your post 

I don't have much advice for you - I'm so sorry - because only you can decide on the journey you wish to proceed on.

If it is to continue ttc then you need to consider a time scale of when enough is enough.

If you feel that you have reached that place - and I'm not sure from the sounds of your post that you have then you have to accept that you did all you can and enjoy the rest of your life without the 'what ifs'.

Plenty of people lead a full and happy life without children - there is so much you can do and so many hobbies that you can put your energy into.  I'm not saying it will be easy - I don't think any of the journeys we take are easy.

It sounds like there are other things in life that aren't right at the moment - ie. your job and depression and perhaps you would be in a better position to think about your future when you have sorted out these.

I'm so sorry to hear your anguish xxx


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Definitely in turmoil ameliacooper  . 

Doing what I can for my depression and job, i.e. counseling, searching for a new job. so far nothing has been resolved...same thing about the whole ttc with a surrogate and double donor situation. Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what I did wrong, which I know logically I'm not. Life is just tough but I feel like I'm doing everything humanly possible to live my life to the best of my ability and yet I can't seem to get a break.

Even this whole letting go of ttc. I am a realist and I know I have to let go but I can't. I still hope against all hopes that I will have this child but I know my chances are nonexistent.  I just wish I knew what to do. I don't even know if this makes sense.....

thanks for listening and responding ameliacooper. hopefully you and the other ladies will continue to listen and reply if you are able to....


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## Ann.Berkshire (Apr 21, 2012)

Hi, I agree with Ameliacooper it doesn't sound like you are quite ready to give up. I am so sorry for all your pain.  The journey is so difficult and making the decision to move on even harder. 

Years ago I was with someone who didn't want children and I tried and tried to accept that I would have a happy life without children.  I couldn't accept it and we split up.  I know this is slightly different to you but I went for counselling to help me to come to a decision and this really helped.  I realised that I had to at least try to conceive on my own and if it didn't work after so many attemps then so be it.  I am not sure at what point I would have accepted that it was not to be.  I think it is such a difficult decision to make. 

Have you had any luck with counselling?

I'm not sure how old you are or if you work if you do work, could you have a plan to try to save the money within a time period and then have another go. I'm not sure what the costs are in the US compared to Europe but that might be something to look into.

I really feel for you and am so sorry for your pain.  Life just doesn't turn out how you would have dreamed as a child/young person or expected.  

An old friend once told me "To get to see the rainbow you've got to put up with the rain".  

Good luck and thinking of you.

Annx


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Ann your story does help even though its different. 

I don't want to give up and I'm having a hard time accepting that I have to give up. 

Surrogacy with a double donor will cost at least $100,000 to $160,000. That is around 100,000 British pounds at the high end. I've been trying to save the money but no success so far. I'm trying to save the money in the next year or two but realize also the price of ttc with a double donor and surrogate will only increase over the next year or two.

Being 41 in a couple of weeks with the high cost of ttc has left me realizing I can go bankrupt having a child or I move on...Some choice....  

I don't know if counseling is helping but I know she is trying to help me through my depression, my ttc, my letting go of ttc, and trying to find a new job.   

Thanks for posting Ann...  for you and your embies


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

Hi Wishing

I replied to your other post as I am in a very similar boat. 

Earlier this year I decided to have another IVF attempt this or next month. However I have now ruled that out. I'm not saying I'll never do it again but I'm fed up with it all at the moment. Instead I'm going on a 'once in a lifetime' travelling adventure with a friend next spring which will cost, roughly, the same as an IVF cycle. 

I want to see some of the world, have fun and chill out. I'm not ready for another round of drugs, misery and disappointment. 

Making this decision has been a huge load of my mind. I am telling myself that when I get back to the UK I can always try again if I feel so inclined but the 'longing' is dwindling with every day. I don't know if that's exasperation or self preservation but I do know that for the first time in about six years I feel a bit 'whatever' about the whole child issue. 

I know you'll make the decision that's right for you. xxx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Wishing - i am so sad to read your posts. I wish I could do more to help. It feels like you are in a very tough position. You obviously don't feel ready to 'move on', but have such limited options open to you. Its a horrible place to be. Please keep going with the counselling sessions - they might help to offer you some peace of mind. There is also another thread on FF that I can't remember the exact name of but its for people who are at a crossroads. It might be useful. 

Its a horrible sad time and i'm thinking of you xx


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

violet - i'm sorry you're in the same position I am. I wish you weren't. for some reason it didn't register that you were in the same boat as I am as i been so badly depressed about the whole thing. i'm hoping my vacation next week will put me in a better frame of mind to think about what I want to do but I don't know....i just know i'm tired and trying to take it one day at a time. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of letting go much less weak...I don't know if this makes sense but I just wish I was strong enough to let go and be okay with it.

Damelottie - your post does help even though you may not have any advice. it helps me feel less isolated and less like a freak...sometimes I get insecure that I've said something wrong....


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

wishingforanangel said:


> sometimes I get insecure that I've said something wrong....


You definitely haven't said anything wrong


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

wishing ...no wise words but just wanted to send some of these       


Violet, some for you too...     
xx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Wishing - it is very sad and I know where you are coming from. I have been very very lucky and hope to be lucky again, but there was a time before my miracle that I felt so down I could not go on. I needed to be a mother and have someone to leave everything to. I felt like nmy world was at an end.
Now I have the fears of what might happen to my baby if I were not here. 

You have to make a list of ALL the possibilities and the pros, cons and affordability of each.

You have to include options you have mentioned as well as embryo adoption, adoption, treatment abroad, foster care and see what would be viable, which would fulfil you etc.

You say you want to find another job - have you considered working in a care environment looking after children or animals? Could you retrain. It might be painful at first to work with children, but could equally be very rewarding.

I do believe that things happen for a reason and may be the child you will parent, that is your destiny is out there, you just have to find it.

I have a friend who's mum is very maternal and neither of her daughters are. She is gutted that she is not a grand mother, but at the age of over 70 fulfills that desire by still working in a day nursery and looking after my little boy on a Sunday morning.

I also found the books and techniques advocated by Alice Domar to be very helpful in accepting the feelings that go with infertility.


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## Pinky Dinky Doo (Apr 4, 2010)

Wishing for an angel I am sorry for what you are going through. I don't have any words of true wisdom, and I am sorry.  However, i see that you mention the cost of double donor surrogacy which is huge in the US, obviously. Have you looked abroad?  Even factoring in flights, somewhere abroad could be much cheaper.....


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