# I would like a sibling for my son but do I choose a different donor



## kayse (Mar 11, 2005)

Hello Ladies, I hope you don't mind me posting this message as I have been a member of FF for a few years now but I am afraid I haven't posted a thread for a long time - but read up weekly.

A bit of background, I had my first DE cycle at IM back in 2006, fell pregnant (first time ever after 4 unsuccessful treatments at the ARGC with my own eggs) but unfortunately lost the baby straight away.  I then had a break and returned to the IM for a fresh cycle in early 2007, fell pregnant and am pleased to say I had a little boy in September 2007, and he is now almost 20 months and is delightful.  We were lucky to have 2 frozen embyos left from this cyle and they successfully defrosted so at the end of March this year we returned for a FET.  

We met with Dr Olivares and he was very happy with the condition of the embryos - gave us a 35% sucess rate and said they were perfect and we confidently hoped for a sibling for our son, but unfortunately I tested negative 2 weeks later.  Of course, like many of us, I was very disappointed and blamed myself - it only I'd done this or hadn't of done that!!  The IM did say that they would try and make contact again with the original donor to see if she would be willing to donate again but unfortunately we have since heard that they are unable to locate her.

My dilemma now is do I try for a sibling but with a new donor?  Our view all along was that if our last FET didn't work, we would call it a day.  Then, the thought that we might be able to get the donor to help us again gave us a lifeline.  And now, we can't contact the donor - so do we try with a new donor?  I hope I am not offending anybody who already has a child/children born either with a different donor or even naturally and has then gone onto to have a sibling with another donor.  I just don't know what to do as I had really hoped to have 2 children with the same donor.  I think I know deep down that most importantly, I want to have another child that my son can grow up with so does it really matter if this child is achieved by another generous woman.  

I would be really pleased to hear if you had any views on this - and thank you.


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## Albarinho (Feb 2, 2009)

Hi Kayse

I can fully understand your dilemma.  You will see from my signature that we had a gorgeous DS through DE at IM in 2007.  We would dearly love a sibling for him (we had no frosties) and I got very excited about the idea of using the same donor.  IM did locate our original donor and she was willing to donate again but she has moved away and it would therefore cost us an additional 900 Euros to cover her travel and accommodation expenses.  If money were no object I would take her up on the offer but at 9,000 Euros a cycle (or thereabouts) we have had to look at other options.  We went on the refund programme to get our DS and I only got pg on the 2nd cycle.  We want to have enough money for more than 1 cycle to try and conceive number 2 so have made the decision to move onto a clinic in the Czech Republic where the cost is less than half that of IM.  

I just wanted to write to say I totally understand your desire to use the same donor but, like you (although for different reasons) we have had to look at other options and I do feel comfortable now with the idea of having 2 children by 2 different donors.  I recently had a BFN from our first cycle in the Czech Republic and am just relieved that we are able to afford to try again.  Like you said, the most important thing for me is having another child that our DS son can grow up with.

Good luck.

Albarinho


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## radnorgirl (Oct 18, 2005)

Kayse

My eldest child is from one donor and the twins are from a different donor. I would have liked to have had the same donor however that was not an option. We now have three beautiful sons. Everyone comments on how much the twins look like their big brother. The fact that they are from different donors does not make any difference.

When they are older we plan to tell them about the donors. I am or course concerned about this, especially given that we have a singleton and twins rather than 2 singeltons. It is a bridge that we will cross when the time is right.

Helen
x


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## Guest (May 22, 2009)

DP and I are both female and knew from the start that we both wanted to carry a child so we are using the same sperm donor with this pregnancy. We wanted our children to have some sort of genetic link on the donor side as they would not have that on the maternal side. This is just a best case scenario for us but if the same donor had not been available it would not have stopped us. It is not genes that make your children 'belong' together, it is the fact that they grow up together in a loving family. I think any of our children who have been conceived through the wonderful gift of donation, in any form, will have lots of questions and feelings as they grow up and as parents we just need to love them and guide them through it all. I hope you come to a decision soon that gives you comfort


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## Marina (May 14, 2006)

Hiya

I feel I had to respond also to this post as we went to IM in 2006 and I gave birth to a beautiful DD in 2007, through feeling strongly about using the same donor IM located our donor down, and we went again to IM last year, this was the only reason we went back to IM to try to get her a full genetical sibling, however as you can see the fresh and frozen embryos didn't take, I now firmly believe that it doesn't matter about DNA or genetical matters, a child will bring happiness where ever it comes from and lots of love to each other to grow up with.

Hope this helps.

marina


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## clare43 (Oct 10, 2008)

Hello

I have a similar story. I did a DE cycle in IVi valencia in 2006 and get pregnant with my beautiful daughter who is now 22 months. We had 2 eggs frozen from that cycle. We always knew we would want more than one child so last year in May we went for the frozen embies but neither thawed. It was very disappointing, but we would try again. We asked IVI Val if they could ask the donor to donate again, it took months and there was no answer, so we decided to go for a fresh donation. Just at that poin they said the donor would donate again, but in october. This was a few months off but we thought it would be worth the wait, as it would be nice to have a genetic sibling we thought. So october came and went, the communication got dreadful, almost non existent, in the end donation took place in january. So we had a fresh transfer which ended in an ectopic pregnancy. It was again so disappointing. We had another 2 embies frozen from this cycle. In May we went for an fet, one embryo made it to thaw, but  unfortunately i did not get pregnant. 
We lost so much time, and energy not to mention money insisting on this same donor, but in reality what we really want is a healthy sibling for our DD. So now we are going on a fresh transfer with a new donor, wish we had done it last year, but this is how it was meant to be. 

Hope all ends well with you

Claret


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## louise007 (Feb 11, 2009)

I have a dd aged 6 -conceived naturally.We are now tyying for our 2nd IVF with DE.If I am lucky enough to have a second child I have absolutely no doubt that DD will love it so much and it will make no diference that it is a half sibling as would bring it up as a full sibling.So My feeling is that it is not important.
Good luck
Louise


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## mountainlion (Aug 13, 2006)

We have 2 children from the same donor, but to be honest we would be just as happy if they were from different donors and would love them just as much, and they would make us just as happy.

We were considering adoption before being turned down for our age, so went the IVF route instead, so this partly explains why genetics doesn't worry us. [also have multiple adoptions in the close family]

If our next frozen transfer doesn't work, we will go the double donation route rather than try and use the original donor. [We will use a spare frozen donor embryo, to try and give 1 or 2 of these left over embryos the chance of life.]


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## Skirtgirl (Mar 17, 2008)

Hi I have twins that were IVF but with my own eggs. When we found I was unable to have anymore cycles due to poor ovarian reserve dh immediately flagged up we could do egg donation. I said absolutely not especially as we would have to do it abroad. However DH was unable to drop his dream even though he said he wouldn't make me do it. I went ahead with it not actually expecting it to work and thinking at least we had tried and he would be happy.
However I now find myself pg waiting nervously for a scan to see if my beanie is still in there and I very much want this child and very much feel it is mine and will be a sibling to my twins. I dont care about the genetics . I believe once you have a real live baby then everything else goes away.


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## Izzy x (Apr 12, 2005)

Hello Everyone,

This is such an interesting thread and its been great to read all of the responses. Its the sort of thing that i find quite difficult to discuss and so its great to see other peoples experiences and opinions. 

We had DS in 2006 using a donor from Ceram in Spain. In 2007 our two frosties didn't survive the thaw and we were told that the donor could not donate again. I felt sad about this at the time and i still feel that it would have been the ideal scenario in an ideal world. I also felt that we had done what we could to provide DS with a full genetic sibling and now it was time to move on. I think that the process of trying my best to have the same donor, reassured me that i could do nothing more about it. 

To start with, we wanted to use the same clinic (even though it would be a different donor) so that the stories we told our DS and his potential sibling would be the same. This seemed to work out until i had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and then we decided to go to a clinic with a shorter waiting list as i could not bare the thought of waiting too long to have another attempt. This time we went to Serum in Greece and that is the baby i am currently pregnant with. 

I now feel that it does not matter about the genetic history. The children will be siblings with shared memories and experiences just like any other siblings. They will also have a Mummy and Daddy who will love them forever. The only thing i do wish is that they b0th came from the same clinic so that their stories matched up and made things simpler. Maybe i just like tidy ends! 

Anyway, i am glad that we managed to avoid a lengthy wait on the list and get on with the process once again. If i had to make decisions again, i would do the same. I do feel that it was inportant to make sure that the same donor could not be used again though......this enabled me to move on and away from something that was out of my control. I don't even think about it now. 

Good luck in all of your decisions everyone
Izzy x


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