# Moving on is possible



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi ladies

I haven't been on here for ages and ages, but I still lurk occasionally. I couldn't read the thread about TV progs and ignore it because it so completely described how I felt a few years ago. I used to be exactly the way you are describing (both with baby/mum/pregnancy issues AND with IF issues on TV!). But now I genuinely love baby ads (except talking baby ones which freak me out) - I laugh along with the laughing babies because I love babies (if I didn't I guess I wouldn't have been so desperate to have one of my own).

Interestingly I still cry at miscarriage/stillbirths on TV. If someone on a TV show is unable to conceive I tend to think it is good that IF is getting an airing, but if it depicts loss in this way I just can't handle it.

What I am trying to say to you all is this - please don't ever give up hope that you will be able to move on from where you are now. It is not an easy journey, but it is possible. But please don't expect that you will ever stop feeling some sadness at your losses. As my DH says, if we get to that point then there is little to separate us from a lump of stone (such a wise man!). I know at the moment you can't envisage a time when you will feel anything other than sad, but you will. It will just come at unexpected times and in unexpected ways. IF will be a sadness I take with me to the grave, but it no longer defines me or consumes my every waking moment. I can now tell people in a matter of fact way that, no, I don't have children and it wasn't through choice. But it doesn't cut me up any more. I can watch and do baby-related things and quite like them. I can say no thanks to the school vouchers at the supermarket without the rest of the thoughts that used to flow from the question. Mostly I am no longer jealous of people announcing pregnancies, but I have to confess to this still being a bit difficult for me. Although it hurts less than it did and I recover quicker!

This may not help at all, so feel free to completely ignore me (and I'm not too sure that I believed anyone when I was in the depths of despair about my own IF). I just want to say that, however you are feeling at the moment, it will get better. It will take time - unfortunately probably longer than you want! - but eventually you will find you have more good times than bad, and eventually you will find other directions to take with your lives (I didn't want to either, I only ever wanted to be a mum). Even if you can't change what is happening to you, you can change how you react to it. 

I genuinely believe that each one of you is well on the way to moving on - even if you don't feel it, and even if acceptance is a way off yet - because you are opening up to the others on the boards and expressing your anger, sadness, bitterness etc. This board was a lifesaver to me when I was in despair. It is the only place I found where I didn't have to try to explain how I was feeling and why - because you all already know. Keep on posting and take good care of yourselves.



Love,
Solitaire
xxx


----------



## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

Hello solitaire,
What a lovely inspiring message!!    I do believe that I am on the way up again but its so very hard to deal with these mixed emotions and feelings Im getting.  
This site has helped me no end, the lovely ladies on here are so helpful and lift me up during the dark times.

I have a great DP who has helped me get through the operation and the recovery, he really is my strength... I do know things will get better and I will move forward, its just that I feel in limbo with the recovery which is taking much longer than I thought.

On a positive note, my DP has 2 gorgeous little girls who I love to bits, the 3 of them are my life and I know that I have a bright and wonderful future to look forward too once Im over this.

Thanks for letting us all know that there IS life after IF - I take heed of your words and look forward to the day that I can be in the same frame of mind as you.  
Love
Karen
xxx


----------



## fifiona (Nov 24, 2007)

Hello Solitaire,

Thanks, this is really what I need to hear. I know that this degree of psin csn't go on forever but I wonder when and live in fear of bitterness and resentment.

What we really wnat to know is how you got there!

Fiona


----------



## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Dear FF ladies. I am glad if anyone finds anything helpful in my words.

Karen - thank you for your kind words. I suspect you are a lot further forward than you realise. Moving on is not a smooth path, so there will always be ups and downs. I think sometimes it is hard because you think you are getting there and suddenly what Emcee used to call a 'bite on the bum' moment comes along and captures you unsuspecting. When that happens, try to tell yourself that it is completely normal and sometimes we need the 'downs' to appreciate just how good the 'ups' are (more homespun wisdom from DH!).

Dear Fiona, I am so, so very sorry you are having such a rough time. You are grieving and full of pain and raw emotion. I wish there was a magic word which would make everything seem better - but there isn't. There is no one secret to moving on, I think it is doing what works for you. With me I had to actively end the pain.

All the way through IF I knew there had to be an end point. I genuinely thought it would be when I conceived. I didn't for one minute think that would be the start of more heartache. It seemed to be the goal. When I first became pregnant I was over the moon. It's stupid looking back but we decided not to tell anyone in case it tempted fate! Fate didn't need any tempting. When I started bleeding I remember going for a walk praying to God and trying to fill my head with positive thoughts. I was devastated when I lost our first baby. We had a due date and I thought I had been through the tough times of years of AF and failed treatment. Now it was like I'd glimpsed the next step and had it taken away.

I defined my own end point to treatment by deciding that I didn't want IVF. This is a few years ago now, so our options were more limited (which I sometimes think was better because if IUI didn't work, then it was pretty much IVF or nothing. Today there would be so many more possibilities, each with their own 'what if' and thus each giving me another tiny glimpse of hope plus worry and guilt about not trying it).

We conceived naturally on several occasions after giving up IUI. Each lost to m/c at different stages. I reached a point when I couldn't take any more. Every month there was a chance of another BFP. And every month there was a greater chance of more pain and heartache. I did not want to live my life like that. So I chose to take control of my stupid body. It didn't do what mother nature had planned that it should be able to do, so I decided I needed to move on myself. Otherwise I would be carrying on like this until the menopause decided for me. Maybe I'm a control freak, but I knew I would then be leaving it too late to find an alternative life for myself. I suppose I felt that I was exercising what little choice I felt I had left. I don't know how much sense that makes, but I chose to be sterilised and the relief I felt once I realised that I could have AF and not have any false hopes with it was enormous. I cried a lot - I'm not trying to suggest it was easy - but it was the turning point for me.

I know I will never be a mum, but I can be the best auntie and friend possible. I still get the odd twinge. It's difficult to describe what it is - a mixture of sadness, maybe a little jealousy, a sort of regret that it didn't happen for us. But no more bitterness and no more resentment - genuinely.

Another long ramble. If you have made it this far, then let me send you still more   and cyber positivity.
Lots of love,
Solitaire
xx


----------

