# Feeling really blue



## Natalief (Nov 6, 2003)

Hi all,

I posted here a couple of weeks ago about my bfn. Since then I cannot "pull myself together". I have a lovely 2 yr old son called Harvey (x2 icsi) but I desperately long for another child. I have raised fsh and low inhibin b so put that together and you get crap eggs. This was our third go and I pulled out all the stops, you name it I did it. My best efforts have failed me and I don't know where to go next. I wish someone could have told me that I would only get one child at ICSI, instead I foolishly thought I had got my fertility back and allowed myself to dream of the large family I have always wanted. How do I come to terms with this and move on?. I feel very gulity for feeling this low as I have a beautiful little boy. Why can't I be happy with what I have got?. I am making my hubby sad and it is affecting my family and friends. Will this get any easier?. Sorry I go on abit. Can't sleep - AGAIN!. 

Natalie xx


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## jeanette (May 3, 2003)

Hi Natalie

I naturally conceived my daughter (who is 7) and thought I would get pregnant at a time we felt was right. So 6 years ago we started. I have taken so much for granted thinking this. Years have been wasted.

I dont know how you move on I wish. I had the answers for you. I havent. I am holding on for the dream that Alexandra will have a brother or sister. 

Its only been a few weeks since your bnf- dont be hard on yourself. There are so many different emotions going through your body at the moment.

There are some of us girls meeting in Cannock in May. I have had so much support from the girls on this site. Meeting them in person has been a turning point for me. Why dont you join us? I only live in Aldridge.

I wish you all the best

love

jeanette xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Bel07 (Nov 27, 2003)

Natalie

It is hard to cope with a BFN and you need to give yourself time to heal.

We all think when we are younger that we will have no problems and spend half our lives trying not to get pg then the other half trying.

You would naturally think if it's happened once it will again and your hopes are raised only for them to be so cruelly dashed again.

Like Jeanette has said the people on this site are a wonderful support system for the good and bad days.

Please do come and join us when we meet up in Cannock we would love to meet you.

Take it a step at a time and keep strong.

Love and hugs  

Bel x


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## maxbabe (Nov 12, 2003)

Dear Natalie,

Don't worry about being so down, after a neg result it is really important to grieve for that lost tx or child that may have been. Unless you have gone through this cruel torture called IF tx you cannot understand the effects it has on you, both menatally and physically.

There are no answers, there is no quick fix as to how your feeling, but part of the healing is to accept that you aren't quite right at the moment and then find some ways to help yourself. 

I ended up at the doctors a month ago unable to stop crying, just feeling so low about my life and everything...I believe the failed tx really had an affect on me that I hadn't dealt with properly...anyway I tried St Johns Wort, which really helped...and I take each day as it comes and I appreciate my beautiful daughter so much more because we are lucky and blessed to have our little miracles.

Wishing you loads of luck Natalie and I really believe you will move on from this dark cloud that is hanging over you.....

take care and look after yourself


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

Hi Natalie
I echo all that the girls have said, it is so hard to face constant disappointment 
I had my ds 12 years ago with my ex partner, and met my dh when my son was 4 years old.
I never thought, after the last disastrous relationship that I'd ever meet anyone and be given the chance to have another child, with someone who would support me and sort of "do it all right" this time around.
We've been ttc for over 6 years and when I look back, I don't know how we've got this far.
I, like Jeanette, took it all for granted, and it comes as such a shock to find it isn't that easy 2nd time around.
I have suffered from depression, bought on by the constant disappointment, month after month, year after year, and at times have struggled to even get out of bed in the morning.
I have no magical answers sweetie, no magic wand to make the pain go away, just my shoulder to lean on, and advice born from knowing and sharing the gut wrenching heartache all of this IF brings to all of us 
The grey days are still grey hon, just more sunnier days in between eventually, as you "somehow" gain strength and courage to keep going, and of course the children we have been blessed with, give us the impetus to carry on.
My love, <HUGS> and very best wishes to you hon,
We're all here to help each other get through them grey days 
^cuddleup^
Angel
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Natalief (Nov 6, 2003)

Hi all,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. I am finding it hard at the moment because the few people I have told don't really understand because I have got my ds. I would love to come to your meeting in Cannock but I think I need to see if I am strong enough. I am feeling very low at the minute and would probably cry all night. Thank you once again, luv Natalie xx


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## Mrs Chaos (Feb 12, 2004)

hi Natalie
how you feeling sweetie?
Hope you're feeling a bit better hon.
Take care
Angel
XX


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## jeanette (May 3, 2003)

Hi Natalie

hope u got on ok today.

Some of us will be in the chatroom tonight.....it would be great if you could join us

love

jeanette xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Natalief (Nov 6, 2003)

Hi all

Thank you for your kind words. I am feeling alot better today. My accupuncturist called be on Wednesday. She was great, she was the first person I had spoke to that had said she was sorry to hear my news. Everybody else acts as if it had never happened. To hear someone say that it's ok to cry and that it is a huge loss was very comforting. She said that when we lose someone that we have "ritual" ie a funeral when our grief is acknowledge. She suggested that I should maybe light a candle to acknowledge my loss. I thought she was being abit silly at the time, but I thought about it and when my ds was asleep I turned the phone off along with the tv and I sat and lit a candle. I sat there and sobbed my heart out for about 15 mins. I acknowledge my loss and then blew the candle out. I know you may thing that it was a silly thing to do but it did give me "closure". I know what I lost was nowhere near as painful as losing someone but to acknowledge that I had lost embryo's and is was ok to grieve that loss was what I need at that time in order to get over it. I want to thank you all for your very kind words. It wish I have known about this site a long time ago. luv Natalie xxx


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## jo22 (May 9, 2002)

Hi everyone
I am new here but wondered if I could add my thoughts, am sorry so many of us are here in this lost world.

Our friends have just gone off to hospital tonight to have their baby boy, they got pg without trying, found out at 9 weeks, she looked stunning all the way thru the pg, seem to have a stress free life, have had a lovely pregnancy and she was walking around the garden with a tens machine on tonight and was 2cm dilated for the last 2 days. Labour pains went along nicely and now hurt bless her, so all going well.

I was so excited, we were all out their in the dark, hugging and laughing, Adam was shaking, Nicola had her make up on and looked stunning if a little scared but coping beautifully!

I came indoors all excited and now am in tears?!

I am so happy for them and so excited, yet feel so cheated.

My whole pg was a trauma and a worry, Dominics birth was 3 agonising days follwed by a section, I then went on to have PND and our marriage was a wreck.

Yes I have my gorgeous child, yes we hope to have another one, but after 3 failed attempts and now all the tests we are having I am scared it may not happen and certainly won't be like our friends if it does happen.

Do i feel like this as in cheated and sad because I did not have everything happen "normally" and am I jealous of the world out there who has "normal", I must be as I am so upset.

I can't talk to DH as he is so desperate for another baby, and I now so want to be pg again and enjoy the whole thing! Plus our other friends are having their 2nd baby on Monday by section too, its too much to bear at the mo, we are so happy for them but its so hard to not be down.

How do we deal with this, can anyone tell us please?

Thanks


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