# lost and lonely



## Huckle73 (Mar 16, 2012)

Hey

Just a little vent here if it's ok.....

I am having a why us, why me and why them day.......I struggle everyday with not being able to conceive and working in a special care baby unit doesnt help.....

One of my closest friends has just announced she is pregnant and I feel like a horrible person because all I can think is that why isnt that me and Dave rather than being happy for her, she wants to share her delight with me but I find myself avoiding speaking to her.......we are coming up to almost one year of trying and I think the whole situation is getting harder to deal with rather than easier.....how do people cope I spend my working life teaching people to be parents knowing I will probably never be one myself.....

Dave has just had treatment for a variocele so this is our last hope as we cant afford ICSI, we could probably afford Natural cycle IVF but am not sure whether this is suitable for us.......does anyone know anything about that?

I just cant helping thinking it's so bloody unfair..........which I know is totally irrational as fair doesnt come into it..........I just want to feel better........


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## Guest (Jun 6, 2012)

oh hun,

i didn't want to read and run but believe me you are really not alone in feeling like this. i have cried buckets over the past 3 years of trying to get pregnant. 

when i found out my sister-in-law only tried twice and got pregnant i could hardly speak to her to congratulate her. then wept and wept from the pit of my stomach. 

i stayed away and it became very obvious that something was wrong, and had to grit my teeth and tell them. afterwards they were amazing and are very sensitive to my situation. they would ask if i wanted to hold the baby or push the pram, and if i didn't that was ok. maybe in a few weeks you could have a chat with your friend?

you are not a horrid person, really. its only natural for us to all (who want kids) to want to start a family, and seeing others move on easily it is crushing, especially when they have no idea what its like for girls like us. there has been many times i've wanted to scream in their faces, as may people don't think before they speak...

you are so brave and i don't think i'd have the strength to work in the job you do, but you are obviously an amazing person and wonderful at your job, am i'm sure you'll get your baby and be a wonderful mum  

like me i'm sure you have better days than others, try and stay positive with your dreams. 

i'm sorry but i dont have any info about natural cycle.

i hope this site helps you as i know when i need a little tlc the girls here are amazing.

lots of   xxx


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## kiteflyer (May 13, 2011)

Hi Huckle 

I'm having one of those days too we have been trying for almost 2 years and I have ups and downs. I just have to see a pregnant women to start feeling down. I also get depressed if we don't get much BMS in, which is why I'm down today, but unfortunately everyday life gets in the way sometimes  

Your not a horrible person I avoid people who are expecting and will not talk about their pregnancy at all for fear of bursting into tears. From being on here I have come to realise it is just a common way we manage to cope. 

I can't help with natural IVF but I don't get tx where  I am either. I am hoping my DP agrees to IUI when we have our next appointment as I can afford a few goes at that but if that is suitable I don't know.

I hope you have a good nights sleep and wake up feeling more positive


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## Huckle73 (Mar 16, 2012)

Thanks for your replies.

My friend already knows about our situation ha31, which makes me feel even more guilty as I know she isnt talking about her pregnancy as much as she would like, but the little she does talk about it seems too much for me!

Kiteflyer, we are going to look at IUI too if it is suitable, I have an appointment with my GP on 18th June to discuss all of this stuff. I am also going to ask about counselling cos am not sure I can keep having these feelings every month without it taking a major toll on my mental health and my marriage....

It's comforting in a way to know others feel the same, but then I wouldn't wish this heartache on my worst enemy so it makes me sad to know you are feeling the same unbearable sadness that I feel. No easy answers I know, but support it very much appreciated.....talking to people who know what it feels like rather than those who 'can't imagine how hard it is' makes a refreshing change 

We all need some giant hugs and lots of little miracles.
Mandy xx


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## ElsW73 (Apr 13, 2012)

Huckle
I know exactly where you are coming from, putting on the brave smiling face and then sobbing my heart out when alone. I would certainly recommend counselling as it really helped me get my head straight, and lose some of the anger at the seemingly poor hand life had dealt us. Talking to somebody that is not emotionally attached to you, and being able to be quite openly selfish / resentful was such a relief. I parked a lot of issues, managed to stop beating myself up over everything, relaxed so much (still a stress bunny but the daily crying has thankfully stopped despite the hormone swings) and felt like I had built up my inner resilience to deal with the infertility / ivf process.
I took to the slow NHS process as far as I could, then we bit the bullet and went private. The funding may come back, so it's worth starting with the tests and getting yourself into a position to be ready to go. I also focused on getting myself and hubby healthy, as we needed to be sure we could look back and know we gave it a good a shot as possible - so gave up caffeine and drinking in September, and have kept BMI within the guidelines.
Whilst somewhere inside of me I still feel a little angry that it didn't happen naturally for us, I am now feeling lucky that we have come this far.
All the very best, and hope it all works out
Els
X


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