# TTC for 5 years, when to give up hope?



## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

Hi, I'm new here and I have read many similar stories which all end well, mine, I'm not so sure.

I have been trying for 5 years since my daughter (conceived naturally in 2006) was 2. I was have very irregular, if any, periods so 6 months after trying we went to the dr. They suggested I may have pcos and referred me to the fertility clinic. I went along and they put me on clomid for 6 months which didn't work, they then tried Menopur which again didn't work. At this point I was 12 stone so I decided to take a break from trying, lose weight and get fit. Within 4 months I'd lost 2.5 stone and was heavily into zumba and running so was the healthiest Id been in a long time. 

4 months later we started trying and we couldn't believe that I fell instantly! We were over the moon, our nightmare was finally over! Then I started bleeding, we went to the hospital and they kept taking blood tests every 2 days, and scans. My bloods were doubling but there was nothing on the scan... then my bloods slowed down and they realised it was ectopic and my right tube had ruptured so I had emergency surgery and had my tube removed. I was heartbroken!! During surgery they found I had mild endometriosis... yet another blow!

We continued trying and nothing so we went to the hospital and they tried me on clomid again, this time I was ovulating but not falling pregnant. Then we decided to try IVF which brings me here... I have never miscarried and every time i have fallen, it has stuck... so everything was very positive! I have good egg reserve, i am healthy, my husbands sperm is fine and healthy... we just needed the sperm and egg put together right? 16 eggs were collected, 10 fertilised, 1 top grade embryo, 2 not so good, 2 still growing by day 5, we had the 1 put back in as i was such a high risk of twins... 2 weeks later i did the test and BFN. Heartbroken, mortified, emotional, angry, blaming myself... all things going through my head!!

I am now thinking I need to accept my fate and that I am only ever going to have my one beautiful miracle. I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with it as my daughter is desperate for a brother or sister. People keep telling me I am selfish for not having another baby, and that an only child is a lonely child, it breaks my heart and there is nothing I can do about it! 

Things aren't good between my husband and I either! It is such a drain and he just doesn't understand, I feel like it is all my fault and just want a cuddle but he keeps giving me statistics and figures saying it was never guaranteed to work!! My heart is breaking because i feel like Im a failure as a wife... I have threatened to walk out on him because I can't take the guilt of stopping him having more children! He says he is happy as we are, but his face when i told him I was pregnant 2 years ago, lit up... at that moment I realised he wanted it as much as me.

Also my sister in law is pregnant and due in a week. Since we have been trying to conceive she has got married, had a baby and now pregnant with her 2nd child. She knows everything I have been through and seems to rub it in my face at every opportunity! I can't bare to look at her or talk to her and the fact I am going to have to go around there and coo over her new arrival makes me feel sick! I just can't be happy for people anymore!! 

This has taken up over 5 years of my life and the heartache gets worse every year. I don't know if I should hold on to the hope, or is it the hope that is breaking me...?

We went to the hospital tonight because they wanted a follow up appointment, he basically said he'd of put money on me falling pregnant. He now thinks my immune system is rejecting the pregnancy and has suggested if we try again to give me steroids... I don't know if I am strong enough for a bfn again, but then if I don't try then I'll never know... 

I'm not looking for answers, I just want someone who knows how I feel to talk to, thanks for reading xx


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## Inneedofsupport (Aug 31, 2014)

I'm so sad to read your story. I too am struggling with secondary infertility but not for as long as you. I too have a sil who is pregnant and cannot face the thought of seeing her baby. I cannot say anything to make it better but I wanted you to know I'd read your post and just wish it could be different for you.


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

Thank you so much for your response.how long have you been trying?


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## Inneedofsupport (Aug 31, 2014)

21 months. As you were posting, I posted my story.  I dint know how you've managed to get that far. It's destroying me. If you do decide to stop trying, please tell me how you let it go. How do you get over that and accept it all?


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

I'm so sorry it didn't work out. Our IVF journey is so similar. I lost my fallopian tubes and was in the same position as you, just need to get the eggs and sperm together and hey presto baby! My numbers were the same as yours and was convinced that it would work but it didn't implant. 

I only got through by planning my next move. Do you have any NHS funding left? If you do I think you would be crazy not to try again. My journey took so long I am now 41 and the NHS only funded one round so I have had to pay and go abroad as its cheaper. 

I know how you feel right now and lots of us have felt it but it does pass I promise. Men deal with things differently to us and it can leave you feeling isolated in your grief. I honestly thought if my IVF didn't work I would find myself single which broke my heart but he's still here and I realise he always will be  Go out on some date nights and get your relationship back. 

I hope you feel better soon x


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

We didn't get any NHS funding because we already have a child so we paid for the first round which cost £6k we don't have the money to try again and even if we could scrape it together I'm not sure we're strong enough to make it through another bfn! We argue all the time now and we never used to argue about anything! I feel like running away. 

I spoke to the clinic yesterday about egg sharing for free IVF and they are going to enquire but I do think I need to sort my head out first before doing this again! My friend said the first bfn after IVF is the worst  

I have no idea how i am going to accept it and move on, people say I should be grateful for what I have but when my little girl says 'mummy, I wish it was you having a baby and not aunty..' It breaks me 

I'm thinking of counselling or hypnotherapy... I know I can't do it alone, it has been my focus for too long now.

Sorry for being so down I just don't know where else to turn x


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

If I were young enough I would certainly go down the egg sharer route so it's a good idea that you asked. 

Another option is abroad especially if it's basic IVF it's dirt cheap in Poland. There is the travelling though and it's not for everyone. I had my egg transfer done on Saturday and I went alone to save on air fare, I had a great time  

Counselling could be really good for you. 

On average IVF takes 3 rounds so you need to stop beating yourself up after just one failure. I'm sure there are lots of private clinics that would do egg share as there are a lot of women that desperately need a donor. Do you fall in the right age bracket?


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## Inneedofsupport (Aug 31, 2014)

Although I've not had your journey, I understand how low you feel. I had a course of counselling and it did help at the time but I feel I need more now. 
If you find an answer I'm interested in what it is.

I'm sorry I can't offer anything more than my best wishes for you.


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## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

Personally I wouldn't give up hope unless you are told by more than one consultant that there is very little hope..... Especially whilst there are options such as egg sharing or going abroad.  Abroad would have been my next move if my last cycle didn't work out.  I was declined for egg sharing at one clinic due to discovery of the cystic fibrosis gene.  The clinic did not tell me that there were other nearby(ish) clinics that would have accepted me regardless of that,  I only found that out recently.  The egg sharing schemes vary considerably at different clinics so if I were you I would start making enquries.  All the BFN's are awful.  I just tried to think that each IVF cycle was like one monthly cycle.  Six rounds of transfers for me is like someone else trying for six months naturally... Of course it's nothing like it emotionally but that's a separate matter.


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

I'll have to wait and see what they say... I'm not holding my breath though as the clinic I had all my scans done at is different to the one I had my egg collection and transfer at. I had the procedures done at Lister in Chelsea and all my scans and meds at spires in bucks and it's Lister that off free IVF. 

The spires said I'm an ideal candidate for egg share and are sure they can come up with something as there is no way I could travel to Chelsea all the time!

Who knows what'll happen, I just think we've spent £6k and got nothing when we could of had a nice holiday... I'd love a baby more than anything but my daughter needs her mummy and IVF isn't guaranteed.. If we can't get it for free I think as much as it hurts, that's it! I can't keep throwing money at it   

The dr has told me there is no reason it won't happen naturally... I do think if it's meant to be it'll be... Maybe it's time to relax and enjoy my family, as hard as it's going to be to not cry at every pregnant women.

I dunno what to do, letting go of my dream hurts so much but I'm not made of money xx thanks for your advice, it's so nice speaking to people who understand xx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

A couple of stories that might make you feel a teensy tiny bit better:

1. There's a seven-year gap between me and my sister because my mother had trouble getting pregnant a second time (probably a combination of problems from a Dalkon Shield IUD, plus her age). She finally conceived naturally and had my sister when she was 40 (this was in the days when IVF was still experimental and not generally available).

2. I have a close friend who had identical twins at age 36 (conceived naturally) after losing one of her Fallopian tubes to an ectopic. She did not have your trouble with conceiving, but suffered with recurrent miscarriage -- across her reproductive years, she was pregnant at least 8 times, and only carried to term 3 times (the third and last time being the twins). Anyway, just wanted to give some reassurance that losing one Fallopian tube is far from the end of the road for conceiving naturally.

Of course there's no guarantees in life, but you could still get your wish of a sibling for your wee daughter. Taking some time out to enjoy your daughter and your husband sounds like a good idea. It's OK to take a break! Taking a break and giving up are not the same thing.


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

Thank you for your words of hope. 

My husband has just told me my Sister-in-Law had her baby this afternoon and instead of being over joyed to be an aunty again, I am sat her sobbing. All i keep saying to myself is 'Why me! What have I done so wrong to be treated like this!', I don't want loads of money, I don't want a big house or a fancy car... I just want another baby to complete my family and to give my daughter the sibling she has been begging for for many years. The hurt is taking over my life and I tend to spend most the day thinking about it. Some days are better than others but this week I am really struggling and now this.

I am so upset because my SIL started trying early last year and fell straight away, she then had a miscarriage, she fell again straight away and lost it at 3 months. She went out one eve and we babysat for her, she came back crying and started telling me her situation was worse than mine because she kept falling but losing them, where as at least I couldn't even fall so couldn't lose one... I was so angry and told her she has no right to compare our situations... since then I have found it very hard to forgive her comments. Then she fell again and this one stuck... when she told me she was pregnant I said 'so now who's situation is worse?'. I know she kept miscarrying and it must be just as heartbreaking but at least you always have that chance that one day it will stick... I have not had that chance and it breaks my heart. I think I'd rather keep falling with the hope than never getting that bfp!
i suppose I can't comment because I have never miscarried so don't know what it is like.

OMG!! I am so upset... what is wrong with me! Am I really that much of a horrible person that I can't even be happy for these people that have bought a miracle into the world  

I hate myself right now


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

Your not horrible, your SIL shouldn't have said what she said although it was probably the grief talking. 

When friends have had babies (lots of babies) I have avoided going to see them when I am down. I say I'm not well and it's not worth the risk incase I infect the baby, I think they know I'm lying but they never say anything. 

Infertility feels like a bereavement to me and I have to some degree shut myself off from the world. I even get my shopping delivered so I don't have to see 20 pregnant women in the supermarket. And why the Tampax are kept next to nappies is beyond me, I have cried a few times in Asda! 

But these feelings aren't forever x


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

Yes it's definitely bereavement, that's exactly how I feel! But then I feel selfish feeling this way when I already have a beautiful little girl.

I just want the pain to go away  

Where did you have the treatment in Poland? Also how do they monitor you? I had scans every other day when we had our first round cause he didn't want to over stimulate me x


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

It was quite easy as I am using a donor egg so it only took 3 short visits. If you do regular IVF you can have some scans and blood done privately here and the results sent over to Poland. I just looked on the website and it's 4 visits for regular IVF. www.invitro24.co.uk its one of the more informative overseas websites and has the full price list too which a lot don't. 

I only cope by planning ahead. My next plan is probably adoption unless I win the lottery 

/links


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## Inneedofsupport (Aug 31, 2014)

I too will avoid my sil when her baby comes and I too have questioned what sort of a horrible person that will make me, but in the same way someone else said that your sils comments were the grief talking then this is the way your grief is showing itself (and mine too). It is like a bereavement and grief had several phases to it.  I'm currently in an angry phase and just cross with everyone and resentful.  I hope I reach the acceptance phase soon. 

Sending you lots of hugs


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

So, I came off ******** because I couldn't deal with all the new baby announcements, silly I know but I needed a break from it! After nearly 3 weeks off I decided to have a little nose and the first thing that comes up is the one thing I have been avoiding... Yes, my SIL announcing the birth of her new baby! Then a pic with his brother with the caption 'brotherly love'... I hate her for having what I've been craving for 5 years!!

Please help me, how do I deal with this?  I can't avoid her forever but I'm really not ready to see her smug face


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

Whats happening with the egg share situation?


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

I've spoke with the hospital and they said that if I want the scans and bloods done elsewhere then I can at my own cost but the treatment and meds will all be free. I have to make an appointment with the nurse and a counsellor before we go any further. The hospital local to me have said they are happy to do scan but I am waiting for a cost, I imagine it'll be about £1k, but it's better than £6 k. 

I will keep you posted x


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

Thats brilliant  If was young enough to do egg share I would just keep going for as long as I could. If IVF was 1k a time that would make a lot of childless women happy  Thats sooo cheap.

There is a lot of hope there please try to focus on it more. You are in a good position and I don't think you even realise it! They wouldn't do egg share if your eggs weren't great so its well worth another go  

I know your down right now but I for one am really excited for you, it could be your turn.


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## SWGirl (Aug 19, 2004)

To find which clinics closest to you offer the best deals for egg sharing go to the HFEA website:

http://www.hfea.gov.uk/

Enter your postcode, go to 'refine your search' and 'more search options'. At the bottom of that list select 'egg sharing'. Some of the clinics give good details about any costs for egg sharing on their website but I suggest giving all the closest ones a call to check for any hidden costs such as the HFEA fee and initial consultaion costs. Some clinics expect the donor to contribute towards the treatment and drugs, some clinics just the drugs and at other clinics (such as Exeter I believe, unless it's changed) you don't need to contribute towards the drugs or the treatment, not even the initial blood tests. The only thing I was asked to pay at Exeter was the initial consolation fee of I think £160 and the HFEA fee which was around £105. Hope this helps.

/links


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## P_willy (Aug 21, 2014)

Thanks for the link, it appears I have nowhere local to me that offers egg share  
Anyway, I went on the Lister website and they have an egg share open evening the 2nd Thursday of every month, so my husband and I went along! It was very interesting and also very daunting. Whilst there I registered my interest and they said they'd call me to book the initial consultation   I'm quite scared but it's a hell of a lot cheaper than paying for it myself.

They said you can egg share up to 3 times, so depending on how much the clinic near me charges to monitor and scan me then that's 3 more goes for me  

I'll keep you posted xx


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## Inneedofsupport (Aug 31, 2014)

That sounds good. Been wondering how you are getting on. My sil had her baby today so I've had a good cry over that. Good luck with the consultation x


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## lama321 (Oct 11, 2014)

Hi there, 

Sorry to hear your story. I have just joined this site.

Is there any hope that you can still get pregnant naturally.. you only lost one tube right?

I do wonder something and that is that what are our chances of getting pregnant when we are in such turmoil. My relationship with my husband is suffering too (we haven't been trying as long but he gave my chlamydia not through being unfaithful but I am struggling with it!). I thought this month what is even the point (apart from one blocked tube and the other one not looking too hot either) I couldn't imagine conceiving a baby feeling like I do. I don't even like him touching me any more let alone having sex.

My sil also gave birth recently. Luckily I was able to escape the country for much of her pregnancy... she got pregnant by accident. One burst condom... life seems so unfair! But now I know why I am infertile and that has helped me come to terms with my current fertilty state if not everyting else. Somehow I have managed to get into a place to offer her support while she is trying to finish university and will need some help. I have to believe that this path somewhere will have a meaning. 

I think you have to consider if you are really ready to go through more IVF at the moment... I know I am not ready yet. Also have you thought about how you will feel with egg sharing? What if IVF fails for you and you are always wondering if some of your eggs made is in other people? Sorry to bring up such questions it is just something I know I would worry about. Then again I guess it gives the chance of life to some eggs that would not otherwise get that chance and any family willing to go through that must be pretty special.

My son is also so keen to have a baby brother or sister. When we went to visit my sil he was saying please mummy please can we have a baby in the house please please please. It was so hard. I talk to him I tell him how much we would love another baby but mummy's body was sick so it is difficult to have another baby. Then I remind him of the benefits of being an only child (this is something I have worried about lots!) but he gets mummy and daddy all to himself. The thing that hurts me the most is worrying that he will not have enough family in hard times when we are not here but even having siblings does not guarantee this. My husband is more close to his cousin than his siblings. 

There is also adoption too... I keep going through phases where I think this is what I want but then I am not sure. One day I will know which way to go, at the moment I am still trying to convince doctors that I have PID.. I have written a post about my missed PID.

Perhaps if you tried the exercise regime again that worked for you before? There are also other things you can do if you decide to do IVF again that can increase your chances such as acupuncture (there has been studies on this). I did it for a while then it helped me with how I felt emotionally but can't do much for screwed tubes I fear.. also is expensive! Something I am trying at the moment to help with my mind and I am hoping that will bring positive changes in my body too is visulisation. Really cheap! The cost of the book  I am reading Healing Visulizations by Gerald Epstein and a friend recommended Mind can Heal your Body by Dr DAvid Hamilton. 

I am trying all the 'natural' stuff first serrapeptase, castor oil packs, frankinsence, myrrh, agnus castus, massage, visulisation! I am also trying to find enough peace to improve my relationship with my husband... so hard. I think the imagery could really help though.

Good luck to you, 

Hugs, Laura


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