# I didn't give birth to you..



## chickadeedee (Nov 19, 2010)

Hi, 
We have had our precious daughter for 2 years, not yet adopted thanks to a crazy legal situation. She's 4 year and will be starting school in Aug of next year. Our social workers have told us that we've arrived at the time where we have to start telling her her story.
To be totally honest, it feels me with dread, I don't want to burst the very happy bubble that we're in. Obviously I have always known it had to happen but now that the time's here, I wish we didn't have to tell her.
We have been told to buy some books from Amazon, and the one I bought was 'Nutmeg gets adopted', it's very well written but doesn't wholly apply to our situation. If we read that to her and skipped out some pages etc she wouldn't let us away with that!!

Anyone out there with any stories to share, or books that they know of?? 

All help appreciated, thanks xxx


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Does she not have a picture book of her life before she came to you? I thought that was the usual way that people could personalise children's stories and explain where they came from (that's what we'll plan to do).


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## chickadeedee (Nov 19, 2010)

Hi thespouses, thanks for replying.
She went to live with her foster carers at 5 months old, then she lived with them for 19 months before she came to us at 2. We have only just been given her life story book, which had quite a lot of information that we didn't know already. Like what time of day she was born and how much she weighed, I need to get over my anger and disappointment that the foster mum only just gave me/us that info. She also had a picture of her taken when she was 4 weeks old. Previously she'd said the youngest she had pictures was 5 months when she moved to them. 

Our situation is very frustrating, we have fallen out with the foster carers mainly because they couldn't let her go. They wanted to keep her but never looked into it formally and used us to vent their grief, very hard to cope with. 

Anyway, that's all in the past, we need to find a way of telling her that she's (soon to be) adopted. The book the foster carers will help but sadly leaves a lot of gaps and I don't think it totally enables us to do the job properly. The social workers recommend BAAF books we can buy from Amazon but which ones?? Can't afford to spend a fortune buying them all to discover they don't fit the bill.

Chick x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

I would certainly make sure she has a lifestory book that she can refer to whenever she needs to, ds received his when he was 2ish but it was not suitable at all, so, we used the photo's and created one ourselves.  As well as his lifestory book ds has other books which refer to adoption, Todd Parr's 'We belong together' is a good one, its lovely and bright and a good read. He also has 'I am adopted' which is a nice little book that says that adoption means belonging and 'A blessing from above', he has others too but these seem to be his favourites. 
You can always order these from your library (or AUK's lending library if you're a member) and see which ones are more suitable for you before you buy but if I was you I would concentrate on her lifestory book as she will be able to relate that to herself. 

Good luck, it won't be easy on you to share this with her at this late stage   

xxx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi,

Just wanted to say that if your dd is anything like my boys she will take this in her stride. She won't have any real idea what it means, and may not want to chat about it in any great detail the first time u bring it up, but now is definitely the time to start telling her about it. We just started it with there being 2 very important jobs a mummy does for a baby, grow in her tummy, but most importantly to take good care of them. And that bm did one job, but wasn't able to do the second one, which is why you came to live with me. 

I guess what I am trying to say is, in my experience, the "conversation" will be a lot less involved and emotional than you might fear. 
Good luck xxxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I have to agree with Ruthie, I don't think it will be as emotional as you fear.  My daughter and I often go through her life story book.  Yet despite this according to her "I bought her from a shop".  She knows that she is adopted but she is too young to understand fully what it means.  However I believe that by giving her the facts now it will be a lot easier for her when she is old enough to understand what it really means to be adopted.  We also occasionally read books, A Blessing from Above and A Koala for Katie.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We borrowed a few of the BAAF books from the library when we were doing our prep. They won't be suitable for our situation but there are often some in the library to try out.


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## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

I'm not sure if this is helpful really and you've probably come across it ...but my best friend is adopted and I've known her for 38 years since we became friends at school. She used to have a little poem that her Mum gave her that said: "Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart but in it". I thought it was really beautiful then and I still remember it now.


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Hey chickadeedee,
It’s a shame you’re being pressured into this, particularly when you’re still in a soon to be adopted situation. There’s no way of anticipating what she might ask, so do the social workers expect you to lie to her if she asks about forever? Or do they think it’s a good idea to have you try to explain the legal situation to her? Can’t help but think it’s a case of them saying “okay, text book says that now she’s x age, she’s ready to be told”.
I can’t offer any advice, you know your daughter best (and of course there aren’t actually any hard and fast rules about how and when to tell, even the so called experts differ greatly in their opinion on what age and how a child should be told). I plan to take on board expert advice and tailor it to suit our daughter; it certainly won’t though be a case of she’s now this age so she’s ready. Kids are all so different. 
Sorry I haven’t been very helpful, I read and felt for you so just wanted to reply to wish you well. 
D x


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