# Lost I.D



## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Hi everyone
Its been sometime since Ive been on the board but I just needed to ask a quick question....My husband and I decided to take our names off the egg donation list (VERY VERY hard) but I know this was the right choice, But why do I feel like Ive lost my I.D. as a person? I know this sounds strange, but since Ive done this I dont know who I am.!!!!!!!!
Before I did this I was the person who was trying for a baby, now Im me!!!!!!
O.k Im a wife and I work for Mencap but is this it?
 I dont know how I feel anymore.

Ok phone the DOC Ive lost it,just wondering how other girls would describe themselves? If you had to write a C.V about yourself how would it read.......... 

Karen j


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Karen,

Firstly, you are NOT going doo-lally.  You are going through an extremely difficult experience which not many people understand.

Secondly, and I can only speak for myself here, but I too feel like I've lost my identity.  I feel like "infertile Gill" and all everybody associates me with is the one who can't have a baby.  It's all people seem to ask me about.  Recently, I have stopped telling friends about my immunology investigations as I am trying to "find myself" again.  I am trying to distance myself from the feelings of fear and isolation by getting more involved in hobbies/college classes/re-training for a new career.

I know what you mean.  Sometimes we find ourselves asking, "is this it for us then?".

I don't know what the answer is.  All I know is that people here understand how you are feeling and just getting things off your chest to people who really understand is an absolute Godsend.

I wish you the best of luck with everything and hope you find peace of mind soon.

All my love
Gill xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Karen 
As Gill said i think that you have made a very difficult and heart rending decision...
Can i just say that i think there maybe a mixture of feelings going on at the moment for you..It seems as if you came to a decision and that you were 'in control' and you felt like Karen. Now you are most likely mourning your decision, which to be honest is quite natural. Even though initially you may have felt the relief but nothing prepares you for the feelings that comes after it. Please give yourself time Karen because what you have just done is a very brave thing and it takes alot of strength to pick up the phone and do what you did.There is also an element of loss because i am sure you are not in control of where you are going from here. Karen this is normal and you need to give yourelf time, there is not book to guide us with infertility i only wish there was......
Have you thought about seeking counselling? because you do have some answers but maybe you need to deal with the grief and clarify this with the guidance of a fertility or grief counsellor...i hope i am not assuming or putting words into your mouth...
The 'lost identity' i can and like many others relate to what you are saying...its so hard for years i felt like the poor woman with the dog. It comes with time to accept there is alot more about ourselves and the label we give to ourselves because this makes us feel so vulnerable. I don't always think people with children have got an identity either because they find a way to hide behind them. Karen that will come with time and our stength of personality starts gradually coming through when we find away to start letting go...I know its not easy and i am learning also, but with the help and input from others we will get there...
Please stand back and spend time with your hubby not everyone can make such a big decision in life so you need to be kind to yourself...
Lots of love astridxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Karen, i used those very words to my husband on a very tearful New Years Eve (day) this year!!! I said" i really dont know who i am anymore". He will always have his dd who may go on to have kids who will be his "own" grandkids and i will not.

I have even begun to wonder if i am in the correct job- i am a scondary teacher (10 Years now). I loved teaching but in the last 2 yrs it is wearing me out.I think if i had had a few rounds of maternity leave i wouldnt feel like that!!!  Some days in work i cant stand the noise of kids along the corridor and i feel so tired all the time.All the younger staff are getting pg too- it doesnt seem so long ago that i was the young one!! I took time off last year after my iuis failed. What i would really love is to go part time but i feel my dh would wonder what the hell i am up to since i dont have young kids to bring up!!! Dont know if we could afford it either. I would just like some time for me!!! To find me again. I have looked after my sd for 10 yrs but i was a young thing when i first met her-25 and had lots of energy!!  Now i feel drained.

I am due back at my gp on Tue to see if she is going to put me on clomid which is my last resort.If she says no i think i will ask for some anti depressants- i have been fighting against these feelings for so long that i need to do something.
Maybe these will help my moods and tiredness(probably caused by wondering what the future holds- or not as the case may be!!) and then i can plan the rest of my life!!!
xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi irisheyes..
I hope you do not mind me just saying that i went part time when i was going through my treatments and decided to stay that way. You are right in thinking that my colleagues do think well you haven't got young children and why do you need the time off? Well they can carry on thinking this is my life and like you i have been through enough over the years. I now have the time to enjoy my life better without being too stressed.The best thing i ever did and it gives me the chance to do what i want such as courses etc. The way i look at it is i never had maternity leave so 'sod it' . My hubby has no problems with it and it has given us time to be more relaxed and not to get so stressed about things. Concerning the money well you just cut down and in time you never really miss it..Whats one day in a working week most people i know wished they had done it years ago. With respect to your step daughter you may find you have more energy and may start to enjoy things more in your private life and job...
Remember it may only be temporary but i think we need to be kind to ourselves...who knows what the future will bring.....also it certainly brings back your self esteem because you start to have time you never had before.....ooops sorry to preach...
Lots of love astridxx


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## Topsy (Jan 18, 2005)

Hi everyone

Karen, that was a HUGE decision and a brave step and I agree with the others.  

We recently decided to come off the IVF waiting list. For many years I had a goal-whether it was waiting for test results, waiting for IVF , or whatever.  That goal isn't there any more.  I've also realised recently that the goal of having my own children has been there all my life: I was brought up to be a good mum, from playing with dolls to learning to cook for the family at an early age. 

So when that goal disappeared, I felt I was thrown off the rails I thought my life would run along. I know what you mean about losing your identity.  It feels like starting from scratch.  Perhaps it will be exciting to find myself again and not define myself by infertility as Gill says so I'm starting with new hobbies. It's also scary though, there's too much choice! 

At the moment, I'm a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and I teach at a uni.  That's me from other people's perspectives, but who am I in my own eyes? Still too early to say but I'm starting to look forward to finding out!

How did the GP appt go irisheyes?  I too have been thinking whether I'm in the right job and I've often thought about going part-time, so it's interesting to read what Astrid says.  What scares me is that I might let work dominate my life instead of kids. Then you retire at 65 (mind you we'll probably have to work until 75 by the time we get to retirement!) and there's nothing left.  Like you I want to make some more time so that I can find me.

Love to you all ladies
Topsy


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Topsy, I think she has agreed to put me on clomid for 6 months.She has to check with the specialist but i told her i was NOT going back to another fertility clinic as: 

1. the private one didnt treat us very well (and didnt pick up on the difference in my levels of progesterone after ovulation) and

2.the clinic in the hospital is right next door to THE MATERNITY WARD!!!! How insensitive!!! Maybe they are all like that.

She is going to phone the specialist and i have to phone her back on Monday. Gp herself feels i should go on it tho.I hope she can prescribe it without going somewhere else. It is my last hope so that will really be it when the 6 months is up. I feel it is a bit of a reprieve but we shall see.

Dh forgot i was going and didnt even ask last night so i havent told him yet! I am sure he will be delighted when i tell him it can cause mood swings!!  He will probably say" Nothing new there then"!!!  

xxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Irisheyes, where I live they decided to build a brand new hospital and stick the maternity ward next door to the IVF clinic! It caused a lot of grief when going to and from the clinic, seeing all the ladies outdoors with their bumps happily smoking or talking on their phones etc. Especially when my treatment was not going very well, even more so when it failed and I had to test there and walk past all the ladies with their bumps on the way out. All I can say is I am glad I never have to see the place again - who on earth plans these things? They aren't very well thought out, are they?

I wish you the very best with your clomid, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that you can use it and not have to go back to your clinic! (sorry about the mini rant there)!

Love & best wishes
Emcee x


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