# feeling cross



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

A lovely gesture has left me cross and upset why do random idiots feel free to comment.  My sister in law had obviously been doing some research on line and found that list 10 things adopters wish their friends and family knew.  Which is lovely and messaged me a link asking if it would be good for people to read when we are matched.  However below in the comments section there as one of the most recent comments is the obligatory ridiculous of course you will never be a real mum comment they will rightly want to go back to their real family as soon as possible etc.  


Why do people feel able to spout their opinions in this way.  Why even read and comment if you have no idea or interest in adoption.  Just every time there is always the horrible comments and it gets me down sometimes.  Sorry moan over x x


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Ignorance or their own self doubt. Some folk just think this. 
Sorry but I'm real mum - being vomited on, wiping tears, being there in middle if night, seeing his utter abandonment at something funny or his pride when he masters something. Unfortunately he was born to another family that's fact and I can never change (nor would I want to change him) but I'd love to have protected him from earlier iykwim

Don't let it but you - you are better than that and what a sweet sil trying to help get family prepared. We tried lots but it wasn't til he was home a while that they do get it (still just a little).

I remember my mum (who us über supportive) saying what did u do when I offloaded about him biting and biting me most if the day and lots of scars. She just couldn't get that a tiny boy would rage and attack unprovoked. I learnt to only shAre with DH on the bad stuff as just didn't feel comfortable sharing the tough stuff then and found quite lonely. So yeah to family trying this early x x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Diva I can totally understand how you feel as it winds me up a treat too but please don't let them upset you - they really aren't worth it. A 'real' mum doesn't allow the awful things we have all had to learn about happen to the most precious people in the world, a 'real' mum doesn't put their own selfish desires and needs before the safety of their children. Like gertie said, a real mum - cwtching your lo in your arms when they are scared and covered in sick, countless cold cups of tea and coffees, them looking at you with a look that says I know you are there keeping me safe, you staying when they are pushing you away. Each night, when I'm rocking little man in my arms and he is stroking my face and outlining my features with his velvety smooth fingers I couldn't  feel more of a 'real' mum if I had given birth to him. Xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks guys bless sil just noticed horrible comments and sent another lovely message of support.  Luckily my family is full of loving people.  Makes me cross for los who are brave enough to love again despite being let down so badly that idiots in society feel able to criticise their family.  But you are right i need to ignore such people x x z


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

It sounds like total ignorance

I always like to think that we had to pass the 'Mum' exam, before being able to parent, which must mean that we are pretty good


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I've read stuff like that before too diva and been very upset by it. People are idiots! There are also plenty of nasty internet trolls who look for sensitive topics and then say horrible things. If you go on YouTube and watch someone's home video of singing or something underneath in the comments you'll read the nastiest things, written by sad losers who have nothing better to do than try to upset others. Adoption is really misunderstood. I used to be scared about any LOs we adopted wishing they could be with their birth families, but like most people on here, the histories are such that in reality whilst our LOs may want to meet their BPs when they're older, I don't think we'll have any real competition on who mum and dad are, even if a relationship is formed between them. I know a few people who were raised by step-dads and whose birth dads didn't bother with them and upon meeting their birth dads as adults, the novelty is there for a short time but soon wears off and step-dad is still the man they think of as 'dad'. I think it might be a bit like that but we'll have to wait and see!


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

I got upset by a comment online last week, something along the lines of, why would you get up in the middle of the night, lose sleep, spend money and dedicate your life to sombody else mistake! It made me very angry and then very sad. The person who commented clearly has no clue about adoption and probably said it to get a reaction on the online forum, could have been a troll or could have been a heartless idiot   

You have a lovely SIL and a great group of friends on here. You did the right thing coming here for a rant, hope you feel a bit better now xx


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## kizzi79 (Jan 9, 2009)

I remember feeling exactly the same about the very same article comments! Around the same time, not long after lil C moved in, I went to a baby shower. A work friend of her's asked all about C's adoption (who was with us). She then proceeded to tell the expectant Mum about how the mother child bond was like anything else in the world - knowing you had made that little life and you were always destined to be together and that mothers shld never be seperated from their children.- I was SO upset (and cried all the way home thinking about the fact that C could have been part of a different family if he had stayed with birth family or if he had been matched to someone different). Of course I realise her attitude is based on ignorance but sometimes such things just catch you on the wrong day and a rant is needed. Sadly our little one's may be exposed to such beliefs in the future  :-(  But hopefully with honesty and the support of friends and family they will realise the reality!
Love kiz  x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you all.  I would always support child that wanted to trace birth family it's just the negative attitudes towards adopted families that upsets me.  Just don't get why so many people are so prejudice.  However had some horrific situations in work ( work with children and families. ) which reminds me what counts in life and such pathetic people are not worth my thoughts x x


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Sadly the internet is full of people who criticise ANY family created any other way than via the missionary position! We were blessed with a little girl thanks to the amazing gift of donor eggs, but every on-line article I have seen about DE always has people posting their comments stating that we should have adopted instead, and this is also standard for articles about IVF in general. I am, apparently, 'defective' and it was nature's way of telling me that I shouldn't have children of my own and that, of course, my daughter is bound to end up having a sexual relationship with someone to whom she is genetically related. I just tell myself that the only bonus for those of us who have suffered from infertility is that we have learned so much on our journeys to parenthood, whether it be through IVF, donor gametes, surrogacy or adoption, that we are almost certainly more appreciative of the gift of a child than those who don't have to tread our paths. I pity the posters for having such a total lack of understanding or empathy for those who suffer from infertility, of the treatments we go through, of the realities of adoption.

I hope you don't mind a post from an interloper on your part of the board, but I read often as I am always in awe at how much you go through to find your families and to raise them.

Caroline


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Here here Lil Elvis!! People are so ignorant. They say hurtful things as they are not at all educated on the subject and just make themselves look like big fools. I could get angry but I try not too as they don't deserve me wasting energy on them. Hugs to anyone who has been on the receiving end whether it's reading it or actually hearing it. I know the article you mean and I just laughed at the stupidity of people xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

So true Elvis.  We can't do right whatever we do can we nothing is right for the Internet trolls. Need to learn some laughing at idiots skills from you lolly x x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Do it otherwise you'll keep getting hurt. Some nasty people out there


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

God some people say the most ludicrous things! It's true that sometimes people say stupid things without thinking and we all get rubbed up the wrong way and upset by them from time to time. Try not to let stuff like that get to you, I know it's easier said then done.

Bare in mind the poster of that ridiculous comment might actually be an angry and resentful birth mam who has lost her children and in some twisted way by believing such none sense helps her deal with the fact her children are being cared for and loved by other people. Or it could be a young adult who has been adopted and the relationship has broken down for what ever reason or they are struggling with some confusing feelings in relation to their birth family Vs adoptive family. Sometimes people find some sort of release during stressful times if they voice their thoughts and feelings anonymously via the Internet. It's not necessarily someone outside of world adoption looking in and making comments to provoke or upset adoptive parents by undermining the relationship between adopted children and their parents. 

Just food for thought. I do understand what it's like when something like that just gets to you


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

So true poppets mummy I had been thinking similar things myself actually x x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Ugh, I'm sorry the stupid comment upset you.  ((((hugs))))  But I do think it's FAB you have such a wonderful supportive family who want to learn more!  That's priceless.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Oh no what an idiot. I see things like this all the time about adoption, ivf etc and I too get really angry about it. 
Sorry that you were upset DIY Diva. 
Whatever the reason this person obviously has issues as there really is no other reason to say anything negative about such a positive and worthwhile thing. 

BTW where can I find the link? I'd like to give it to my friends and family sounds like the sort if thing I need as fed up of others' opinions and hearing how much they (think they) know on the subject. 

Best wishes to you
GG xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

http://www.parentdish.co.uk/mum/10-things-adoptive-parents-wish-their-friends-and-family-understood/ here you go x x


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

I've seen that article before. It's fairly interesting but it does go on the assumption that the child is older when adopted or certain to have issues.

The photograph thing is a big thing for us! We wouldn't put a picture of a friends child on ******** so I certainly will expect the same for our little one!

Some of the comments were just rude and misinformed!


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

I can be like you Diva, it hurts when people can be so insenstive. At the end of the day you know what you doing is right for you and that child will be treated as your own even if it was your own biological child.
This was one of the reasons why I have only told certain people in our life. When I was doing IVF people were quite negative and it really hurt me , i then learnt who was a true friend and who wasnt.

Be positive and keep your chin up xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Claudia so true x x x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks for the link DIY Diva
 I'll send it to my family. 
Hope all is well with you.


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

is it just me, while i see her POV, thinks the woman on that link comes over as really arsey and aggressive?


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Yes, me too katie c.  I have linked that on f/b a while back, when I was feeling particularly irritated, but it was not an article that was going to persuade anyone who was not receptive, despite being accurate on a lot of counts, because of the "in your face" way it is written.  I understand the writer's frustrations, but think that perhaps such a confrontational approach may not change minds.

Diva, I wouldn't worry too much about the comments, these aren't the people that matter.  Lovely that your family are so supportive, and that's what really matters.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks Wyxie I think nothing will persuade those who think they know best however well written Unfortunately.  One of my nephews is disabled and people are equally ignorant and know it all about that too.  Apparently that also adds no additional stress to parenting/ life according to Joe public x


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

I am adopted... these comments (on the website) infuriate me.

My mother and father are the lady and man who  brought me up from 6mo, the ones I woke too in the middle of the night, the ones who held me as a I was teething, who wrapped me up when I was home from school sick, the ones who wiped my tears, saw my laughter, watched me master walking, talking, the ones who took me to feed the ducks or on endless (and at that time I felt) boring days out. They are the couple I waged war on as a teenager, the couple who shed tears as they watched me get married.
My mother is the person I watched fight cancer, the lady who I sat beside during her chemo and whose hair I shaved and THANKFULLY the lady who I watched recover. My dad is the one who was right there with me, and who at 28 I still run too when only 'dad' will do.

My birthparents will be a part of me, I can't deny that nor devalue that but they are the smallest part.

My parents aren't perfect, we've fought and still do but they're 'MY PARENTS' through and through xxxxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Bubble you've just made me shed buckets!! That's beautiful hun


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Thanks Lolly seems simple to me that the only people who can know the value of such a specially made and fought for family is those who are part of one, I say we leave the small minded bigoted idiots and their unfounded opinions to themselves


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Tears in my eyes too, thank you for sharing Bubble xx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I wish I wasn't sat at my desk in the office right now, I don't really want to be seen as the guy with tears in his eyes whilst at work with 99% majority men!

Thank you though Bubble, that was the nicest thing i've read on planet adoption for a while.

Paul x


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Thank you Bubble  

Im sure you have made quite a few adoptive parents and adoptive parents-to-be on here, very emotional today

your post was uplifting beyond words xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Simply beautiful x x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Goosebump time. Thank you xxx


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## twinkletoes13 (Aug 20, 2013)

Thank you so much Bubbles, and Kayla-Jade. Like everyone else has said, you've made me well up.

Someone said something really stupid about adopted kids to me today today, and I've been stewing over it ever since, in that frustrating combination of being upset and absolutely hopping mad that I am sure most of you will understand. Reading your posts was just what I needed. Thank you both so much.


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