# here i go again



## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
It's been a while since i last posted, i really thought i was making progress.  The tears had stopped and my hubby and i have grown closer.  He seems so much happier since the decision to stop, i really do wonder if he ever really wanted children in the first place.  While going through treatment, he drank loads and we constantly argued about that, but since stopping, i haven't nagged him anymore and strangly enough he really doesn't drink much now.  He is much more affectionate and going to bed no longer feels like a chore.  I really struggled with that after treatment, i kept thinking whats the point, it had only meant one thing for so long.

Anyway i thought i was doing so well, until my sister in law gave birth yesterday, my best friend is due any day now and ******** is filling up with baby photos, scans of people's future babies and happy families.  I spoke to my mother in law yesterday and of course she is so excited about her new grandchild.  I felt so jealous and hurt.  I'll never know the feeling of being pregnant, of giving birth and seeing the joy in peoples faces as you proudly show of your new baby.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and i know i need to get a grip, but it is so difficult. 
Sarah


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Sarah 
Didn't like to read n run, sorry you are feeling a bit raw at minute.  Unfortunately thats IF for you and bite you on bum moments which happen from time to time.  It's not surprising that it has reared its ugly head with birth of your SIL child, and your friends baby due to arrive any minute. It's a reminder of what you don't have, it brings it home to you and it is bound to hurt like hell.  I think what you are feeling is perfectly 100% normal, with bit of time you will start to feel better again. These things never truly go away, my friends are now having grandchildren and that still hurts me too.  I don't blame anyone, and know its irrational but I still feel the stab of jealousy from time to time, can't help it and don't beat myself up over it anymore. I hope that in time you can enjoy  your new niece/nephew, friends baby and play an active part in their life. It's not the same as having your own, but can be the next best thing...and can bring so much joy. 
Sending you a   as think you need one right now
Take care
Jane x


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## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Thank you so much for your kind words xxx


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## barlismum (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi Sarah

I like Jane, am now at the stage and age where friends/rellies etc are all becoming grandparents..I dont shed as many tears as i used to and after many years have finally accepted Motherhood isnt an option...But there are still those moments, one of my cousins aged 50 has just become a grandmother for the second time ( baby pics on ** of course). Its difficult not to feel pangs of envy and wonder how it would have felt to be a mum/grandmother..I think how you are feeling is perfectly normal and unfortunately the sense of loss never entirely leaves us...


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## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

So I met my new nephew today, he is tiny, just 6lb, I held him but all of sudden I felt this rush of emotion and cried, how embarrassing, none of them know and now I know they'll all be wondering


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## LostHeart (Aug 2, 2011)

Hi Sarah,

Sorry to hear how you are feeling at the moment  . It is very difficult especially with family in law of the same generation, because (for me anyway) there is a feeling I should be on par with them. Babies bring a lot of emotions anyway, so perhaps they won't be too nosey.

I think what is very hard for other ppl to understand is the primal nature of the feelings around IF. I was trying to rewind the other day to remember what I had thought about IF before it was me, and I think that although I imagined it was hard and difficult, I had no idea the depth and the strength of feelings whether grief, envy or anything else. It's not normally the way I see the world but I have made sense of it in thinking it is almost biological and therefore raw, and it is not long at all since woman have had careers, been able to vote etc. This use to be our sole purpose and I think there is a legacy from that continues. 

I guess I'm trying to say that it is awful at times but I hope it helps to know you're not alone in your feelings. Take care x


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