# About to do it all again



## Wyxie

I'm new to this forum (I used to read the fertility forum sometimes but missed that there were adoption bits too) and it was recommended to me as being somewhat lighter than the AUK forums.  I wish I'd known about it when we did this the first time!  Would be lovely to speak to other relatively new adopters, people who haven't done it, just don't get it, no matter how hard they try.

We applied to adopt in May 2011 and had our Wyxling, then aged nearly 19 months, placed in May 2012.  We were looking for a sibling group of two, including one baby, and her birth Mum was pregnant again when we were matched.  The hope was always that her unborn sibling would be placed with us, given adoption seemed almost inevitable.

Wyxling was presented to us as a straightforward, easy to place baby with no known problems, developing well, and very happy with good attachment to her foster carer.  When we first found out about her the day after we were approved, she was 13 months old.  Sadly, as is often the case, her Social Worker dithered around and took another 5 1/2 months to get us to matching panel and to meeting with her.  I cannot help looking back and wondering what a difference those 5 1/2 months would have made to us all now.

The reality, sadly, was very different from what we were told.  Wyxling's foster carer was seriously ill and struggling to manage Wyxling and a very difficult older child.  She had also wanted to adopt Wyxling, and had applied, but ended up being ruled out on medical grounds quite late on.  We weren't told any of this.  The introductions were horrendous for everyone, especially Wyxling.  The foster carer hadn't been coping, no-one had really been checking she was coping, and the situation in the foster carer's house was awful.  Wyxling was dirty, covered in nappy rash, eczema, her bedding was filthy, the high chair she was eating off probably hadn't been cleaned for weeks, her bedding stank when we got there and wasn't changed again in the 10 days of introductions, her shoes were so small I could hardly cram her feet into them and just after she was placed one of her toenails fell off.  The foster carer wasn't well enough to care for two difficult children, and Wyxling's SW should have realised something was very wrong.  That was before we got on to the really serious problems, no discipline in the house, the older child had serious behaviour problems and was very physical with Wyxling, took everything she picked up out her hands in seconds, she had nothing really that was hers.  The f/c physically disciplined the children, we told Social Services, they brushed it off.  Wyxling came from a birth home with domestic violence and this just added to the problem.  

Wyxling had some fairly major behaviour issues for an 18 month old, as you might imagine, and a serious issue with food; she would eat anything and everything, and as food soothed her, she was given it when she was being difficult, she was 5 months past her previous LAC medical and in the intervening time her weight had gone through the roof, despite being a very active girl.  The first trip to the dentist revealed that she already had some tooth decay.  The list went on, it was a horrendous situation.  The hardest thing for everyone was the foster carer's hostility to us, and at times to Wyxling.  No prep work was done with Wyxling at all, we walked into the house on day 1 as complete strangers.  The f/c wouldn't do anything with us, was fine with us while the social workers were around then incredibly hostile as soon as they were gone.  She alternated from clinging to Wyxling and glowering at us if we went near her, to completely rejecting her and practically throwing her at us, pushing her away and telling her to go to us, because we were her Mummy and Daddy now.  It made an anyway difficult process just awful for Wyxling, and at the end of the introductions we brought home a screaming, terrified, bundle who had formed no bond and built no trust with us at all.  She fought us about everything from day one, especially anything involving looking after her.  She attacked me, hit, bit, kicked, headbutted, and if she couldn't get to me, she hurt herself.  We were completely unprepared for dealing with a child with that level of hostility and I'm sure at times we made things worse.  She alternated between hoarding and hiding her favourite things, and quite deliberately destroying them.  She ate everything, edible or not, right down to the contents of her nappy if we didn't stop her.  There were times when it felt like we had a wild animal in the house.  When we went out things were a little better in that the behaviour was absent, but the anxiety and stress was always there, and we knew that once we were home again it would be much worse.  About five months in we had almost made the very difficult decision that we would have to say no to having the new baby placed with us, because it wouldn't be fair on either child.  Wyxling needed me completely, and there would have been nothing left for another baby.  It was starting to feel like having another child would effectively be writing Wyxling off as a lost cause.

For the first couple of months we just made it up, read lots of books, and did our best.  Wyxling's SW refused to accept her behaviour was anything other than normal for a toddler, and treat us like we'd never seen a child having a tantrum before.  As far as he was concerned she was a young child and she'd been placed, box ticked.  We were lucky that assesing LA and our SW have been fantastic, and although we didn't get a lot of help, the advice we did get was fantastic and we saw a couple of professionals who really pointed us in the right direction.

About 5 1/2 months into placement things started to improve.  She started to attach to us, to want us.  Over the space of about two weeks we went from complete defiance about absolutely everything and 50, 60, 70 violent outbursts a day to about half a dozen, usually over very specific things.  She wanted cuddles, let us calm her, sooth her, hold her while she went to sleep, not always, but sometimes, and from then on progress has been incredible.  We had big improvements and good days, then setbacks, but since then the general trend has been upwards.  When we have bad days now, I remind myself that what counts as a bad day now, a month ago would have been fairly normal.  What counted as a bad day a month ago would have been normal two months ago, the progress has been steady and wonderful, just like our daughter.  

She's fun, playful, imaginative and cheeky and in most ways a very normal little girl.  She's learned to be gentle with us and other children, and especially with our cats who adore her, and most importantly with herself, which was probably the biggest battle.  She's affectionate now without it being all about control, wary of strangers, shy and wants her Mummy when we go out, until something catches her imagination and she forgets all about everyone else and is delightful.  She has completely normal toddler tantrums.  I simply can't believe the transformation.  She's mostly happy, and settled.  We hide under blankets and rub noses and cuddle on the sofa.  We run, chase, play and laugh.  She plays games with my husband, and teases him all the time, a long way from the little girl who was frightened of all men when we met her.  When we go out to play groups and she's happy, she turns every head although she has no idea, laughing, smiling, dancing, singing.  She has a brilliant imagination and our front room is something different every day.  One day it's the beach, the next we're on a train, or driving to Granny's, or it's the jungle, or a hospital.  She's bright and inquisitive and loves to learn.  We paint, on paper and then each other when we run out of paper, we feed the ducks, go to the park, bake, together.  She's full of energy, but mostly in a good way now.  We go out and we're active, but when we come home she can calm, most of the time - bedtimes can still be quite lively mind you!  It's incredible really how much she's managed in such a short space of time.  The defiance and controlling behaviour are still there some days, but a lot less explosive, and things are constantly improving.  I am amazed by her and stunned by how lucky we've been.  Although she's nothing like the little girl described to us, she's absolutely perfect for us. 

If someone had told me what things were going to be like for the first five months I would probably have said no to the match, I wouldn't have thought I could have coped.  But we did, you just do.  From the start we have always had moments where the real Wyxling would come through, when she'd forget about everything else and suddenly we'd see what she was really like without all the trauma of the previous 18 months and when she wasn't terrified.  I don't think we ever had a complete day where there wasn't a glimpse of what things could be like if we could only make it work, and that was enough to keep us going.  From the very first day we met her and she gave me her shy cheeky smile, and I saw her gorgeous brown eyes, she's been my daughter.  Even the very worst days have still been so much better than the 8 years we spent trying to have a family, the devastation of failing to conceive, fertility treatment and miscarriages where it just felt like our lives were on hold while everyone else's went on around us.  Life is moving again.

People have often told me that we'd have our miracle baby, with the sort of uninformed confidence that irritates me, and they still do when you adopt, more so actually.  It infuriates me, for many reasons, most of which aren't really relevant, but mostly because it's reinforcement of the belief that adopted children are somehow second best to the "real thing" but they will do until that "real thing" comes along.  I do resent the part of Wyxling's life that she wasn't with me, I resent that I haven't always been able to make sure she had the very best I could give her, and that she will probably always have some issues surrounding that.  I don't resent that she isn't my biological child and doesn't carry my genes.  Some of the things I love the most about her personality are things that would almost certainly never have come from my husband or myself had we managed to have a biological child.  She is different to us, and sometimes that is good for me.  I take the little things far too seriously sometimes and even at the age of 2 1/2 she challenges that in her cheeky imp little way, and that's good for me.  But she's more like us than different to us, and she's our daughter; she makes us a family.  We aren't waiting for our miracle baby, we have our miracle baby.

So, we're about to throw a hand grenade into the mix and do it all again.  When things imrpoved we made the decision to go ahead with adopting Wyxling's brother and have been reapproved (some months ago now).  After three months needless wait and worry while Social Services faffed (thanks, Social Services, as usual) it looks like we should be meeting our next child in around two months time.  We had thought it would be a 6-7 month old baby we'd be bringing home, but due to the usual d***ing around by Social Services he'll be more like 10-11 months old when we finally meet him.  Excited, worried that we are making the right decision, incredibly worried about balancing the needs of the two children during the introduction period and early weeks of placement, and trying to make the absolute most of my remaining one to one time with Wyxling before, hopefully, we have our second miracle baby.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Wow you've done an amazing job with your beautiful little girl.  Congratulations on adding to your family a perfect set of four x x


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## Wyxie

We've done our best, some days that's been very, very, far from great!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you for sharing your story. The progress you have seen in your little girl is a massive credit to her parents and the love and care you have given her. But goodness, what a story. It is sad it still can be such a battle and I'm baffled with this particular SW and foster carer. So glad you had support your end. I suppose if things had come to light earlier you may not have proceeded and if that was the case you wouldn't have your baby now (which I imagine is inconceivable) funny how things work out

I really admire you holding back on little lad while Wyxling needed you so badly. I guess it had to be head over heart at that stage. So glad to read things are going well with the matching and little lady is progressing so brilliantly. I learn so much from reading stories like this. I hope your boy is home asap and you have your perfect family of four


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## Wyxie

Thank you, it's been a real emotional roller coaster, and sometimes when I think about how things have gone, I am shocked.  I don't think the situation in the foster carer's home had always been like that, although I'm sure there had always been problems, but it had got out of control in the last couple of months when she was ill and no-one was making sure everything was OK.  It was just a lot of little things missed that added up to one absolutely massive problem.  We are in the process of making a complaint about the SW.  We would have done it sooner but we didn't want to rock the boat over Wyxling's brother.  We were told after Wyxling was moved to us that the f/c wouldn't be fostering again, although we weren't given the reasons, so we didn't see any reason to push that any further.

You are of course absolutely right that we wouldn't be without our Wyxling now.  We were asked when we were reassessed if we'd make the same decision again if we'd had all the information.  I said then that if we'd just known about all the problems we would probably have said no, but that if we'd known everything about what she was like, we would definitely have said yes.  She is the right child for us.

We got a date for the meeting with the f/c today.  I am very, very nervous about this meeting.  When we met Wyxling's f/c we both had a gut feeling that something was very much not right about her, but everything we heard from everyone about Wyxling felt so positive, that we decided to go ahead anyway.  I don't regret doing it, or I wouldn't have Wyxling, but I simply can't take that risk again when we already have one child.  We've both said all along that if we had misgivings about the foster carer or what they told us, we would have to back out.  This was of course months ago, and since then we've really had to fight for Wyxling's brother, as at one point his Social Workers stopped talking to us and it looked like they were going to place elsewhere, and so any level of emotional detachment has really gone out the window now.  I know if it doesn't work out I'm going to be devastated and so is my Husband.  We've both been told that the f/c for Wyxling's brother is very experienced and has moved a lot of babies on very successfully, so I know it'll probably be fine, certainly our experience was nothing like anyone else's that we have met while adopting, but there's still the niggle in the back of my mind.  I will feel a whole whole lot better after we've met with the f/c and put my mind at rest!


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## Wyxie

Days like today make me question whether we're doing the right thing.  Wyxling has been... explosive.  Not massively, I guess, but frustratingly in the sense that she hits a level of agitation where I just can't reach her or sooth her, and the only way then is through the explosion and out the other side.  As always, bedtime is the worst.  We've actually only had a handful of explosions but things have been relatively calm lately, and it feels like a lot.  Days like today I question whether I'm dealing with it in the best way, and think that perhaps, I haven't done, but that tends to be the case when we have blow ups after a calm period.  Bedtime being the worst time of day is something I find hard.  They're a lot better than they used to be, but in general, no matter how tired, Wyxling ramps up at bedtime.  We just don't get the nice quiet snuggly bedtimes at night, we get them at nap time, she's lovely then, but at bedtime, it's at best tense.  On a day like tonight we have a massive fight for everything from putting the nappy on to getting her into bed, and I leave her wired and in her weird state which I can never describe to anyone who's not seen it.  She's not hyper, that's different, she doesn't really get hyper, she's just massively, massively agitated. 

So I try to remind myself that actually, even though we've had another upsetting end to a day, and a couple of kicks offs along the way, the day really hasn't been that bad at all.  We had lots of good time today, she's always been fairly good at imaginative play for her age, but when we're in the house she's very controlling about play and it can sometimes be frustating.  The last few weeks her imagination just seems to have properly kicked off and when we play in the house it's lovely, and we've done lots of nice things today.  We went to soft play this morning, although I did end up bringing her home early when she kicked off, we had a lovely hour or so playing together, and she had fun with another little girl there, and was really incredibly sweet (my friend suggested they go in together and hold hands - and let us have 10 minutes for a cup of tea - and they went round the entire place, very, very, slowly, and about 10 minutes later when they popped out the bottom of a slide together we realised they were still dutifully holding hands and trying to climb round like that).  She was good as gold while I did some housework, and she didn't have my full attention, was fun, smiley and generally very happy playing, we sang songs and she loved it and did all the actions as always but also sings a lot of the words now, went for a walk to post a card, and basically, had a good day.  

Until I needed to change a nappy or get her undressed for bed.  It's almost always me caring for her that kicks off the worst of these episodes.  I know when we add another child it's going to do this too, or I'm pretty sure it will, I'd be surprised if not.  I'm expecting it then, and we'll get through it I'm sure, but I've no idea what set today off.

Oh, Wyxling, please be calmer tomorrow!

Meeting with f/c next week.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

How strange that she does this at bedtime but not nap time. Maybe it is the tiredness from the day, the fact that it is a longer time through the night and away from you, something unsettling she associates with the night, bad dreams? Or maybe it's none of those things. It is a hard one but I'm sure you are approaching it really well and hopefully things will settle in time. I know you will be doing the winding down, pre warning, soothing bedtime routine. Does this agitate her or is it actual bedtime bedtime?

It sounds like you had a lovely time with your friend. Little sweeties taking it literally and holding hands all the way round  

I really hope that you have a positive meeting with foster carer. You will feel so much better. Your last experience will be extremely rare, it will surely be better this time and I hope you get to learn lots more about your little man


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## Wyxie

Hi Lolly, what normally agitates her is us doing basic care related things, like changing, dressing, bathing, putting cream on.  Nap time is shorter so she has less time to get worked up, I normally change her before lunch, so I don't need to do it again immediately before nap time, and I tend to put her down for her nap dressed now, which removes most of the stressful things.  Bedtime routine is much longer and she ramps up the whole way through.  It starts as soon as we take her up for her bath, defiance escalates and escalates.  If there's something she knows you can't stop her doing, and the more she manages to defy, the more agitated she gets, so it just keeps on going.  I think it used to be about something different, and the distress over being cared for was very real/frightened behaviour.  It feels very much about control now.  It's a situation where she has a lot of control and she uses it, and the more she uses it, the more agitated she gets.  When she's in that state she can't be soothed, and doesn't want to be soothed.  If you go in trying to calm her like that she just gets worse, because she knows what you're doing.  Sometimes you can head it off by trying to come close to matching her level and slowing bringing her down bit by bit, to just keep her under boiling point.  That means bedtimes are very upbeat and lively on a good day, and sometimes I'm not awesome at doing that.  Other days you can see she's got it in her head that she's going to fight you about everything, because that's how she feels, and she won't get out of it until she's worked herself up into a state where she's attacking me to stop her, and I restrain her, then she goes into a complete rage because she hates being restrained, and once we're out the otherside she's calm.

We had a terrible start to the day again and to be honest I'm so used to dealing with this sort of behaviour in a very theraputic way, which is how we've tried to parent since we realised she had some pretty major problems, it occurred to me last night that it feels different this time, and actually, I think she's just messing me around and on a bit of a very normal toddler power trip and trying to see what she can get away with, so she got very firmly told off this morning and has been told in no uncertain terms that she is having her nappy changed, like it or not, and if that means I have to pin her down to do it without her kicking me in the face, then I will.  She had a fairly large sulk and then snapped out of it and has been fine since.  I'm sure lots of people would very much disapprove of that, but the kick offs feel different this time, it's not what it usually is, it feels like she's testing boundaries and what she can get away with, rather than a result of trauma and insecurity and not wanting to be cared for.  I may be wrong, but we'll just have to see.  She's been pretty good since then and we've had a lovely morning out at playgroup.  I'm trying to keep her distracted while I'm changing her and we'll see what bedtime brings today!


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## Wyxie

So, after the morning's fun we had a lovely afternoon.  She was good as gold while I cleaned the bathroom (and you have no idea what an achievement that is from a few months ago) and chattered away to me bringing me all her toys then wandered off and played for a bit, in fact she had me in stitches with her funny little commentary on what she was doing with various toys.  Then we spent a lovely afternoon baking, reading, playing, and when I went into the kitchen to get dinner and put the obligatory Mr Tumble on the TV she had all her toys arranged on the sofa on cushions and was getting them all to do the makaton signing.  In fact she was happy, smiley and wonderful to be with all afternoon, and while bedtime wasn't awesome, it didn't end in kick off.

It makes me so emotional when we bake together.  We've only started doing it recently, because it felt like we needed a level of cooperation that we haven't always had, and I'm really glad I waited until it could be a nice experience.  She also had such big food issues that I didn't really want to do it until we'd got that at least in part under control, which we do seem to be getting there with.  It's one of the things I've always wanted to do with my children, I used to love baking with my grandma when I was little, and I wanted my children to have that too, and me.  I was so worried the first time I did it that Wyxling would somehow spoil it, but she absolutely loves it, and is so happy and relaxed, and doesn't get bored like I'd expect a child that age to.  She can spend an hour or so in the kitchen and will stand good as gold on a chair and watch/help/stir/poke and tell me exactly what's going on and what went into it afterwards, and keep her fingers away from anything sharp or hot.  She also, of course, likes to like the bowl and spoons afterwards, and it goes keep her quite happy while I do the washing up.  She doesn't normally come in the kitchen, but after we've baked she sits on the chair in the kitchen and eats the left overs while I wash up, and chatters away to me.  Today we made rice crispy cakes, quick and easy and she can do almost all of it herself so not too much waiting around for her.  I've always loved baking and decorating cakes and have so much fun stuff in the cupboards that hardly gets used and she loves rummaging through all the pots and picking a couple of sparkly/shiny/brightly coloured bits to decorate with when we've done.  I love that it's something that makes us both happy, that we like doing together.


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## Handstitchedmum

I love 'remember when...' moments! These are the moments when you turn to a loved one and say 'remember when...?' No matter how you were feeling before (angry, sad, lonely) the memories bring all the good feelings back.  Especially helpful for a traumatised child who may find it difficult to hold on to the positive feelings.


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## Wyxie

At long last we have Wyxling's Adoption Order and I am legally her Mummy.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh lovely news, massive congratulations


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Congratulations


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## gettina

Hi wyxie 
Goodness you've had a heck of a journey as has poor wyxling before you. What a horror that the very time you were prevented from being with her she was enduring fresh neglect. I feel outraged for you all. But, good times can come from bad, and your baking story was so heart warming. It is thrilling to read of her progress and presumably corresponding happiness with you and dh - Congratulation on achieving that as well as on the order. Good luck for a far smoother and more joyful set of intros for her brother.
Gettina


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## Handstitchedmum

Fab news!!


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the good wishes, here's hoping for more good news for everyone soon.

I never really know what Wyxling understands and doesn't.  She knew there was a Court hearing recently, I'd told her because we were expecting the adoption order and were going to do something nice to celebrate, and also because it's sometimes hard to know how to introduce the subject in a "it's not a big deal" kind of way to avoid any sudden bombshells later on.  In the end her SW didn't turn up and the Order wasn't made, and she overheard the conversation with my SW about this, and was really out of sorts for a few days, but I didn't think she really understood and thought that might have been because I was ill, and this scares her - probably because her f/c was so ill before placement and I think in her head poorly Mummy = being moved, although I doubt she understands why it unsettles her any more.  Luckily, I'm not often ill!

I hadn't told her about the hearing today in case anything went wrong, but I told her when she woke up from her nap that we had the adoption order and that meant someone very important had said yes, we were definitely her Mummy and Daddy always, and there was no getting away from us.  I explained it was just us now and no more SW visits about her, just for her brother.  She has really not liked seeing her SW lately (although I think that's because seeing him unsettles her and she doesn't understand why, for all his faults he's actually quite good with her when he's playing and I've always been very friendly to him in her presence).

I expected her to brush it off or make a joke, she does like to joke and tease, but she gave me a hug and a kiss and said "good, I lud you Mummy".  She's only said that to me once before.  We had a nice afternoon together and hubby and I have gone through the best part of a bottle of not quite champagne tonight (well, I'm not working now, so we're on a budget, but it does have bubbles and taste OK) although now he's on cat sick clean up duty - I cleared up the dead mice this morning so I figure it's his turn.

A weekend away with grandparents and I have some appointments tomorrow and Monday which means hubby looking after her tomorrow and Granny on Monday, just for a couple of hours, but I'm sure I will be punished afterwards for leaving her, so I'm storing up on the good feeling right now.  One day maybe she's stop feeling she has to control me so much to feel safe, I hope so.  In the meantime, she's been so happy today, it's been lovely.


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## Wyxie

This weekend really highlighted to me, the progress Wyxling has made over the last few months.

We had a bit of a funny old day on Friday.  Hubby had to take the afternoon off, so I could go to an appointment for Theraplay for Wyxling.  It sounds promising, I know the ideas, but struggle to implement them in the home on my own, because Wyxling can be quite controlling about play at times.  I am hoping that having some professional help with this will help us to use some of the ideas in the home, as I think if I could get Wyxling to cooperate a little bit, it could be really, really good for her.  Anyway, the first appointment with Wyxling is next week so we shall see how it goes, but the main thing for this week, is that I went out for the afternoon on my own.  

Wyxling knew we were going to Granny's this weekend and was very, very agitated on Friday and just couldn't settle.  We ended up giving her dinner and her bath early, and just putting her in the car and setting off well before her normal bedtime.  She was restless in the car but went to sleep.

She woke up an hour and a half later much more relaxed.  We were on our way, all together, and she was fine.  She then had a wonderful half hour conversation/monologue with the moon which had hubby and I in absolute hysterics, telling the moon to come with us to Granny's house, come in the car, sit on a lap, etc.  Sadly, amusing though it was, she was then wide awake at 10:00pm when we got to Granny's house!

But, we had a good weekend.  She wasn't too controlling.  She's very good with hubby's Mum, actually sometimes so good it upsets me, I'd be lying if I said it hadn't made me jelous at times.  She really wanted me, and not just to make sure she could boss me around, she wanted her Mummy near.  She wanted to go off and do things with other people, like helping Grandad in the garden etc, but she wanted a cuddle and a kiss first.  She loves being outside and loves helping in the garden and the kitchen and had a lovely weekend.  

Saturday afternoon we had guests.  Hubby's parents' friends, their son (hubby's old school friend) and his wife, who we know quite well, and their new baby.  Wyxling was completely overwhelmed, and came back to me to hide.  She wouldn't talk to anyone for ages, and they kept trying to bring her out in all the wrong way, which didn't help.  But, she came to me when she felt uncomfortable and said she was scared.  6 months ago she would have played for the crowd in what she saw was the expected way and appeared to everyone else absolutely charming and delightful, while getting more and more withdrawn and out of our control, and it would have ended with massive kick offs as soon as we had her on her own or had to try and get her to do anything.  She would have just gone, we never know what to call it when she gets like that, so we just say she goes.  Our Wyxling goes.  But she didn't.  She wanted Mummy, she wanted to play a bit, but kept wanting to go out of sight of everyone.  She really enjoyed playing football with our friends' baby (Daddy was holding the baby to kick the ball) and liked the baby a lot, but the adults intimidated her.  Too many new people all interested in her. 

I managed to keep her a bit separate and took her inside for some us time a couple of times in the afternoon.  She perked up when cake arrived and we went to play with Granny's fountain.  It's only little, and my F-I-L in a fit of genius told her that it was magic.  She loves Mr Tumble, and he told her that she needed to work the magic and asked how does he do it?  She was pressing her nose and every time she pressed her nose he flicked the switch which was hidden quite well.  Her face was a picture and she thought it was incredible.  These are the reasons we want children, for the moments when their personalities come through in the most incredible ways.  Since then on a number of occasions I've seen her trying to fathom how something works and then, when she thinks no-one's looking, giving her little nose a really good squidge just to test if the magic might do the job.  I nearly wet myself in the car on the way back today when she was trying to open her car window, which is obviously child locked so even thought she was copying me exactly, it wasn't working.  Hubby obviously noticed what she was doing and when she gave her nose a particularly firm poke, he opened the window.  Her face was amazing.

Anyway, after guests went we had a nice meal, and a good morning today.  She was pretty relaxed for a Wyxling out and about, and we didn't have any proper kick offs (she was resistant to letting us look after her at times, but was talked round without any fighting).  She did have a wopping tantrum this morning, which lasted about 10 minutes until I made her laugh, when it suddenly vanished.  I put her to bed tonight with relatively little fuss.  Three whole days with massive disruption and not a single proper kick off, and quite a relaxed Wyxling.  She's been smiley more often than not, had fun, enjoyed seeing family, and coped OK with new people, although it was too much for her she could at least tell me that.

We tried not to let other people do much for her when she was first placed, and family pretty much ignored us, and because Wyxling would go to them, and try to get them to do things like change her, pick her up, cuddle her etc, they thought it was great.  They really didn't get that we had major attachment problems, and she was being very controlling in her behaviour, and that we needed to be doing these things.  I started putting my foot down about it, and except on the very rare occasions someone else takes her out, we do all her basic care now.  If she asks for someone else to change her for example, I step in, and say no, that's our job.  I wish I'd been more assertive about this sooner.  When baby no 2 comes along, no-one else will do this sort of thing for a long time.  She no longer wants everyone to do this and doesn't like random cuddles and I sometimes have problems explaining to family that it's not personal, she's just behaving in a much more normal way for a 2 1/2 year old, and this is actually a good thing that the little girl who's only met them 3/4/5 times is a bit wary.  I actually think now getting Granny to do it will be a good thing, which is as well as she's looking after her tomorrow.  I think she's now starting to test with Granny in a limited way and she's starting to see the control, and fortunately she's dealing with it exactly as we do and it's really helping, and she's starting to form a genuine attachment to hubby's Mum as her Granny, rather than trying to control her because as with everyone at first, she was scared she was about to be dumped with them.

M-I-L is now coming to ours tonight, and tomorrow we have to leave her almost all day, which is the first time we've done this.  I am almost certain I'll get some punishment for this on Tuesday, or tomorrow bedtime, but she's already managed far more than before and I'm so proud of her for talking to us when she knows she's starting to "go" rather than just going distant and getting herself all worked up.

That ended up being a bigger ramble than expected.  What a long weekend, and a long day tomorrow.  Hope Wyxling gets a good night's sleep.  She's told me she's going to wake Granny up first thing in the morning.  I can hope, but I doubt she'll bypass our bedroom on the way to the spare one.


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## Wyxie

We met with the foster carer at last.  I felt a lot better afterwards.  

Firstly, because while I'm sure we would not be friends in other circumstances, as we have nothing at all in common, she's a nice lady and was very clear that while she loves the babies in her care, and is upset when they go, she knows they have to be moved on and doing that as smoothly as possible is the end goal.

I have, in all honestly, been getting cold feet the last few weeks, mostly because of Wyxling.  Hubby has kept telling me we're doing the right thing, but never really his reasoning behind that.  I've not been sure and keep going from one extreme to the other.

When I knew about Wyxling I was so incredibly emotional about her, terrified of things going wrong before we met her, and completely in love with her as soon as I met her.  There was just something about her that got me, from the very first shy little smile she gave me, and that was that.  I was absolutely ready to be a Mum and even when things have been tough, I've always been glad I'm her Mummy and that we ended up together.  I just haven't been getting excited about having her brother coming.  I wanted a baby, wanted him, then we thought it wouldn't happen and I was devastated, but ever since we've known things are back on again I just haven't been able to really get into things.  My biggest worry has been that I wouldn't love a new baby straight away, and that I'd resent what he was taking away from Wyxling in terms of one to one time.  That changed as soon as I saw a photo.  All the emotions I felt about Wyxling before she was placed were right there, perhaps more so, and he looks so much like Wyxling.  He has a strong physical resemblance to her, same nose shape, same beautiful big eyes, and also exactly the same cheeky grin.

Wyxling is doing well in terms of coping with a very hectic last four days.  She's agitated, but not out of control (yet, I suspect we'll have a big blow out at some point today which in some ways we kind of need to get things back to normal).  

I am really, really, very excited now, and a lot more confident about helping Wyxling and her brother deal with the introductions now I've spoken to the f/c.  Just 7 1/2 weeks until we get our son home.  I'm going to stick my neck out and start calling him Bladelet, which is how hubby and I have always referred to our future son(s).


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So glad FC is on board and a million times better than the last experience. 7 1/2 weeks not long at all ekkkkk!!!! He'll be home as I start prep very exciting for you x xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I'm loving reading all of this, how exciting, terrifying, lovely and knackering, all rolled up into one huge ride!! Here's hoping things are more straight forward this time round xx


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## Sq9

What an amazing journey you've been on. Hope the second time is a bit smoother


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the good wishes, I hope things are more simple this time too.  In some ways it will be, but the introduction period with and for Wyxling, is going to be stressful.

After our four days of disruptions, Wyxling has been massively controlling, sulky and generally very unhappy today, and determined to make me unhappy too.  I thought we would get a big blow up which might have cleared the air.  Somewhat oddly, I actually almost hope for one on days like today, even though overall I know it's good she's learning self control and hasn't tried to hurt me at all in any way for almost a week despite all the upheaval, which is a massive achievement.  But, sometimes if I'm honest an occasional blow out seems to help us, because it brings her back down and I can comfort her and make everything feel better.  She's simmered through the day on a pretty high level of agitation attempting to boss me around in every little way and refusing to do a lot of what she's asked to do.  All the time I've spent playing with her she's been sulky and rebellious, whatever I do it's not enough, unless I let her micromanage me to an insane level, and even then she doesn't enjoy it, and just looks for something to do that she knows I will have to tell her off for.  It's been a hard day.

She had a bit of a tantrum this afternoon and we had a big cuddle afterwards, but she wound herself up again for bedtime nicely.  Maybe I wasn't dealing with it as well as I sometimes do.  I often do find it hard after my M-I-L has visited.  I see how wonderful Wyxling is with my M-I-L, who never gets any s**t from her at all, and lots of lovely time doing all the things I've worked so very, very hard to get Wyxling to do with me.  It's really hard to get through to her in any way while she's like that and she puts a distance between us that I find hard, and so does she.  While her distress and unsettled state is genuine, it also feels like she's punishing me for leaving her a lot over the last few days, and making sure I'll still keep coming back for more.  Also for Granny going home today.  She struggles to cope with a person she's coming to have a good relationship with who comes and goes every few weeks.  Unfortunately, when I go somewhere she takes it out on me, and when someone else goes somewhere, she takes it out on me.  I am a bit fed up of always getting the rough end of the deal from Wyxling, and other people getting the good stuff, why honestly, I am happier when it's just us in our family, even though I do miss family a lot, seeing them is often very stressful.

Visiting others is somewhat easier now, as she tends to be more relaxed with me then, but when adults come into our house, it's hard.

The fact we've got to have Granny come to stay during the first part of the introductions is really worrying me.  It's going to make it all so much more complicated.  If I had the choice, I wouldn't ever leave her with anyone who had to do things like bath and change her until she was old enough to do most of it herself.  It never feels like a good idea.  Whenever my M-I-L comes to stay Wyxling is incredibly nice to her, very affectionate, and wants to do all the nice things that we normally do together with Granny, and offhand with me, pushing me away a lot.  I don't like to let anyone else look after her when she's like that.

Hoping a good night's sleep will give us the reset we need and we can have a nice day tomorrow.  I want to get as much calm time as I can before Bladelet lands to try and cement the really good relationship Wyxling and I have seemed to have a lot of the time lately.


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## gettina

at the end of a tough day 
And Glad FC meeting went well.
Fab stories about wyxling and the magic. Love it! 
Gettina


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## Handstitchedmum

You tell a good life story, Wyxie -- and I don't mean that in a flippant way. I mean: as a reader, I really feel your emotions and that I am alongside you in these experiences. The range of emotions is incredible. I know that for us (the reader) it is all very neatly contained in the story, and I admire the work you have put in to organise all of these emotions. Not everyone can face the chaos that trauma brings and fewer still can make sense of it. I hope you can also see that you can do it. You're doing it. And thanks for sharing with us.


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## Wyxie

I find writing things down helps me to keep perspective, and to organise my thoughts, and to keep things clear in my head.  I have often kept a diary, and find it useful.  My husband is not someone to talk through the day's activities and what went right and wrong in great detail, and I find I need to analyse to be sure for myself that I'm dealing with things in the best way I can.  When you work you're accountable to someone, whether it's your superiors or your clients or both, and they will not hesitate to tell you if they feel you need to do things differently, but when you're a full time Mum, especially with such an at times mixed up child, there's no-one there to tell you what you're doing right or wrong except you, and only time will show whether your choices are the right ones.  I need to believe that I'm doing the absolute best I can for our children, so that I don't look back in a few years and thing "if only I'd tried harder, things might be different" and for me, that involves a lot of thought and planning.  Wyxling, in general, is better handled by someone with very good contingency planning for the "just in case" moments!

I balled her out this morning which is twice in the last week, and that's almost unheard of for me.  We have, however, had a good chat about why she's been giving me such a hard time the last two days.  She has promised to be less awkward, "a little bit", which from Wyxling is a fairly large concession.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Wyx I am thrilled that FC seems so lovely and has a sensible head.  It sounds the best of both worlds, loving LO but knowing that you are his forever mummy and helping ease a smooth transition for everyone.  What a change from the first time around and a relief to say the least.  You can begin to be excited now, your boy is coming home to his mummy, daddy and lovely big sister.  Very happy to read your happy news


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## Wyxie

Sometimes I feel like I am destined to go through life consumed with jealousy for the things I have missed out on.  Maybe that's just my nature, to want what I cannot have, but in my adult life I have so often looked at what others have and been overwhelmed by sadness, rage, despair.

I used to feel this about pregnancies, babies, children, sometimes I still do and I resent everything that Wyxling and we missed out on.

Now, when I hear about other people meeting their adopted children it makes me almost uncontrollably angry about what she and we didn't have.  Meeting our daughter should have been the most special day of our lives, she should have been prepared to meet us, known who we were, we should have been welcomed into her life as her Mummy and Daddy.  I know the introduction period with adopted children is often a honeymoon and the reality can hit with a big crash when the children come home, but I still want us to have had that.  I loved Wyxling as soon as I saw her, but the first meeting was brief, the tension between the foster carer and us was massive, she had no idea who we were, and her SW sat in the corner mucking around with his phone.  She could clearly tell something was really wrong, and was very wary.  

The rest of the introductions were a complete nightmare for Wyxling, and incredibly hard for us.  She was scared, confused and upset, and the one person who could have helped wouldn't.  All we could do was watch as our relationship with our daughter was screwed up before it even started by someone else's bitterness, and nearly 12 months later, we're still trying to help her fix the damage that was done and honestly, I'm not sure if we ever will entirely.  I can forgive Wyxling's birth Mother, in a way, for her part in Wyxling's life, but I absolutely cannot forgive her foster carer, or her social worker for missing what was right there under his nose because he just didn't want to see it.

I don't want to feel angry about the beginning of our life as a family, but I simply can't help it, and time doesn't make it any better, if anything, it just makes it worse.

I don't want to be this bitter person, frustrated about my inability to control anything that's really important in my life, but today, that is very much how I feel.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It's understandable my love. Anger is a healthy response to injustice the main thing is to express it otherwise it eats you up x x


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## Wyxie

Thanks, some days I wish I was still two and could just thrown myself on the floor and scream for a bit, but the neighbours would talk (no net curtains now, remember  ).  I don't deal well with futile frustration, if I can do something about a problem, that's OK, I'll just throw myself at it, but helplessness doesn't agree with me, I guess it doesn't many people.  Could do with Hubby coming home so I can have a cry and a cuddle, but he's having a very rare evening out, so instead, I'm watching Masterchef, drinking wine (woops, on a week night!) and eating bacon rashers (the crisps, not the real thing).

I was also knitting, M-I-L is teaching me how, doesn't mix well with wine, missing two stitches somewhere, I think I may need to start this square of the blanket all over again (doll's blanket, not getting too ambitious).


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hey lovely, really hope you are not hungover today   Like Gwyneth said, anger is totally normal and in this case kind of healthy because I would be worried if you weren't to be honest. You went through a horrible time, a time that should have been joyous. I hope people have learnt from this although sadly it won't change anything for you and Wyxling   But what you must do is give yourself massive credit for all you have done, how Wyxling has progressed and developed during her time with you and how you have helped her learn what a happy family life is. I'm sure this will all be ongoing but know that you have done amazingly well when presented with the toughest of situations. Again, it won't change anything and you should rightfully still be very angry. But also be very proud of yourself and little family xxxxx


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## Wyxie

Thank you for your words of support, I do appreciate it.  I honestly have no idea how we're doing with Wyxling compared to how most people would have done, there are days when I feel that anyone could do better, and others where I wonder how many others would have stuck with it, like most things, it can be very up and down.

No hangover, I didn't drink that much!


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## Wyxie

We have a date for the celebration hearing, much sooner than expected, and for once things are falling into place as the timing is perfect - after my in laws get back from their long trip to Australia, and just before we're due to go to panel for Bladelet.  I was really worried it would be just after placement which would have been really hard, as we have to do it for Wyxling, but clearly timing is dreadful taking a newly placed baby to Court and having full exposure to our entire family.

Now I need to decide what we're going to do exactly afterwards to celebrate.  I have promised Wyxling it will include icecream.

Hubby and I have talked today about Bladelet being placed and agreed that we're going to stick to our guns and be firmer with family from the start.  When Wyxling was placed although I asked people to stand back a little, they totally ignored us, and because her problems generally came out in private at that point, other than a real distance from us, and she would accept cuddles from family, and hand holding, they totally ignored us.  Visits got very stressful and the aftermath was awful, Wyxling would do her damndest to control every adult in the room and make sure they would pick her up/put her down/hold her hand/cuddle etc on demand, and no-one got how wrong it all was.  I did put my foot down a bit more firmly after a few visits and we never let anyone else change her or look after her (but they always offered in front of Wyxling and then Wyxling would kick up a fuss when I said I'd do it, or hubby would do it, and it just caused loads more problems), but this time we're starting as we mean to go on.  I wish family got it more.  They do a bit now, but they don't really get it, and I know they'll grumble and talk among themselves, but these are my children, and that's that.

Monday as always has been my worst day.  Wyxling has been incredibly controlling all day long, and very sulky.  We did get some good time out and about, but things have been tense in the house.  She was shattered though, after a ridiculous lack of sleep last night.  As always on the days when she is more controlling and less affectionate, I sneaked a huge cuddle while she was sleepy, although I struggled to stay awake myself.  Wish I'd just got into bed with her at nap time tbh.


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## gettina

Love that ice cream promises had to be made - as a not yet mum I don't remember the thrill of such simple things and love to be reminded.
Sorry yesterday was a rally tough one and hope today was better. 
Gettina


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## Wyxie

It wasn't really tough to be honest, just wearing.

Well, I was trying to explain the celebration hearing, and in the end I had to say it was a party to celebrate us always being together.  She wanted to know, would her Grannies be there (sorry Grandads, you weren't included) and would there be ice cream.  The last party she was invited to had jelly and ice cream.  I said yes Grannies would be there, and no, there wouldn't be ice cream at Court, but we'd all go out afterwards for ice cream.

Wyxling was really upset this morning by my phsio appointment.  It was with someone different, a man, and she's never good with new men.  He had absolutely no people skills at all, or to be more precise I think he probably does, but doesn't waste them on mere patients, he was quite abrupt, verging on rude, and not at all interested in talking, just finding out what was wrong with the knee.  I don't really care personally, I don't need fluffy in that situation, I would much rather have someone who appeared to know what they were doing than someone to say something nice to me, but for Wyxling, it was really tough.  She was in a room alone with the two of us and he was doing all sort of stress tests on my knee.  He completely ignored her and her obvious unhappiness and fussing.  I was trying to be reassuring to Wyxling, but what he was doing really hurt and she knew it.  She kept trying to get close to me and patting my leg even though she was obviously scared, and in the end I said I needed to reassure my daughter before he did anything else.  But she was upset, and I needed the physio, I need to get the knee sorted out and he's the senior guy there who was meant to try and work out what was wrong, and has referred for a scan.  But Wyxling completely withdrew afterwards.  We'd been having a lovely morning, really busy doing lots of boring stuff, but when it's just the two of us and she's in a good mood we can pootle along and amuse ourselves when we're doing shopping/doctors/picking up parcels etc, but she was scared and out of sorts.  

But, we went to soft play as planned, which I was in two minds about, and half an hour later she's really perked up again and was playing with a couple of other girls her age, and with me, we normally split time about half and half which is good.  She likes to play with a couple of girls we go with, but they're only really just old enough to understand playing together and are trying to work out what's involved - it can be adorable to watch but it gets a bit stressful for her as well sometimes and she isn't sure what's OK and what's not and she likes to spend some time alone with me, that works well for both of us.  It's so wonderful to watch her starting to work out peer relationships, sometimes I think she's a little behind in certain ways, I think she probably is, but then it's easy to expect too much because she looks a good six months older than she is in size and that's a bloody long time for a 2 year old!  She wants to make friends though, and she wants to do things right, and likes playing.  She's also starting to accept the other Mums with a bit less shyness, which is really good.  I've been getting worried about how much she can withdraw with other adults.  While I know it's healthier than the way she was on placement, when she would try to charm everyone, it has been concerning me.  She really likes one of the other Mums though, who deals with her exactly right.  I was really surprised when I looked in to see Wyxling proudly holding out her dress and she later told me "Janine like Wyxling's dress".  It's only recently she's started to recover from these wobbles quite quickly.  In the past something like a man scaring her in that way would have written the whole day off, at least, and she wouldn't have been able to say why.  She quite clearly told me she didn't like him, because he hurt me, which technically he did, but I said he didn't, it was just Mummy's knee hurts and he needs to try and work out why, and she picked herself up again.

Anyway, the real kicker today was our bedtime chat.  We had a big bubble bath together, which is normally quite good calm time now, but I could see she was jittery.  She refused point blank to let me do her teeth or to do them herself so I just took her in the bedroom to put her PJs on and said we'd try again when she was ready for bed - control stuff like this is quite normal and I try to deal with it in a fairly matter of fact way which overall works most of the time.  But, she completely melted down and was screaming and crying and it took me about 30 minutes to calm her.  When I asked her what was wrong she pointed at me and the long and the short of it, was that I was going to be Bladelet's Mummy as well, and I think she is starting to realise what this means, to a degree.  She doesn't think I'll love her as much when we have her brother here.  I think in her world there's only so much love to go round, and so there will be less left for her.  Poor little Wyxling was in such a state and I feel awful for not making it clear to her that she will always be just as loved as she is now.  We've tried to be quite offhand and relaxed about introducing the idea of a sibling which was what we were advised to be given her age, but really, with Wyxling, we should have known that was the wrong approach.  She is a worrier, and once she has the idea she needs constant reassurance about what that means for her.  I know her well enough to know that any change is scarey, so something this big is massive in Wyxling's world.  I spent lots of time sitting with her telling her again about how much we will always love her, no matter what happens.  I tell her how we waited a very long time for her, even though we didn't know it was her we were waiting for, and that she was worth every second we waited for her and more.  I tell her about the first time we met, and how she stole my heart with her big brown eyes and cheeky little smile, and I show her a photo on her wall of her from our first meeting.  I tell her I hope one day she understands how much we love her.

I know she doesn't understand, but when she's that upset all I can do is tell her how special she is, and cuddle her, and be grateful that at least she now wants us to cuddle her, wants us when she's upset.

My husband came home late tonight, just after all the fuss, and asked if Wyxling was OK because she didn't look her normal self, and she was still up half an hour after bedtime of course, and we had a big cuddle all together and she was squeezing hubby and I together as hard as she could.  Just lately she's stopped being jealous of my time with hubby, and started enjoying being with us both, and enjoying having affection from us both at once, and accepting that we can cuddle each other.  This seems to have gone hand in hand with a very big improvement in her relationship with my husband.  Although he never got the worst of the behaviour that I did, she shut him out for a lot longer, and has taken a lot longer to really come to accept him.  He tried to explain to her as well that we will always love her just as much as now, but she's definitely not convinced.  

Anyway, I can see I have a lot more work to do with Wyxling about what is going on, and I need to try and explain that a sibling isn't going to take any of our love away from her, and that her little brother will also come to love her, and she him.  How do you explain that love isn't finite to a 2 year old?  Oh with no photos of anything, no life story work, no photos of Wyxling in f/c, and as yet no photos of Bladelet to show to her.  Answer on a postcard please!


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## Wyxie

I hate it that when I get angry, I start to cry, whether I'm upset or not.  In fact I can stop myself crying when I'm upset a lot better than I can when I'm angry.  But get myself really, really worked up and it doesn't matter what I want to say to someone, it just comes out through tears, which invariably takes the edge of what I'm trying to say.

Without fail, every time I end up talking to Wyxling's SW I get upset or angry about something.  Just had another frustrating conversation about all the things he should have done but hasn't, and won't commit to a timescale for.  I know Social Worker's are massively overworked, but so are lots of people, and most of us just have to deal with it, or we don't have a job for very long.  He's let us and Wyxling down time and time and time again and I'm so completely fed up of it.  I'm so thoroughly sick of Social Services.  I just want to get Wyxling's brother, his adoption order, and have nothing further to do with them again.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

sorry he's such a plank. Poor little one siblings are scary at the best of times x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh so sorry wyx   he has let you down too many times and evidently doesn't have the needs of the child at heart   it seems so wrong. And sometimes all you can do is cry. Go cuddle your little girl, she is what this is all about and I know how much you love her, it shines through your writing. So that said, while you shouldn't have to face it you do because the fight is worth it


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## Wyxie

I'm still not so quietly fuming.

He still hasn't got me the life story work, or a disc of photos, which he apparently had with him on a visit recently but couldn't let me have because he needed to copy them.  It's 11 months since Wyxling was placed now, and I have almost nothing.  Bladelet is due to be placed, all being well, in 6 1/2 weeks time.  I don't really know how good Wyxling's understanding of her own situation is.  I have nothing visual to look at with her, and she's 2, ffs.  Anyway, he wouldn't commit to when he'd get them to me, doesn't reply to my emails, has told our SW he'd let another SW have them to give to us 2 weeks ago, but then told me today he doesn't even have some of the things we need from the f/c.  He made it very clear this is not his priority.  I asked him how he would suggest we explain to a 2 year old where she and her about to appear brother come from without anything visual to help us, and he just mumbled about prioritising work load and clearly, this is not urgent.  It might not have been urgent 11 months ago, but I think even none urgent things become urgent at some point.  He still hasn't even apologised to us for failing to turn up to the first adoption order hearing (the order wasn't made, they had to relist it), in fact he hasn't contacted me at all since then.

Anyway, I got nowhere, so tomorrow I'm going to speak to our assessing LA's SW Manager (our SW is on holiday at the moment) and see who she thinks I should talk to next.  I'm tempted to speak to the IRO because she was quite impatient with Wyxling's SW at the last review meeting, and I'm also pretty sure she poked Bladelet's SW to finally come and talk to us.

Honestly, I'm so cross.

Also worrying about Wyxling who is very distressed today, but I think that is in part due to a plaster (she has a huge fear of them, oddly) which caused a 2 hour long meltdown this morning and every time I got her calmed she went off into hysterics again as soon as she saw said plaster (I wouldn't have bothered, but she was picking the scab to bits and it's getting to the stage where it's going to scar if we can't stop her).  

But, I took her out to B & Q this afternoon and that was absolutely the best thing ever!  We raced round with a trolley.  The staff were unimpressed but we didn't knock anything over!


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## Wyxie

One day, I hope Wyxling will be able to accept us without needing to fight us for control.  It sounds like such a little thing, it really does, consciously I really think she trusts us now, but subconsciously there are so many doubts and fears, and it comes out in a need to control.  Most of it is very low level, but it wears me out, and winds her up.  I resent attempts to control me, I know this is in part my issue, and it makes it hard for me to respond in the best way to Wyxling at times.  My instinct is to fight control with control, stubborn with stubborn, in a very childlike way.  I make a huge effort not to do this with Wyxling, but sometimes I just can't help myself.

Today I think overall I did well, but it was hard work.  She's struggling at the moment, while also doing brilliantly well.  I feel like we're at a bit of a turning point with Wyxling, and I need to get things just right.  We've had no violent outbursts for about 2 1/2 weeks now, even when she's very frustrated.  I'm sure we will still get the odd one, but it feels very much like we're getting past that.  But, the control issue remains a big problem, largely because it makes her so unhappy!  Anyway, she's struggling, because so many people I know don't realise or accept when I say Wyxling needs to be considered before they open their mouths!  Lots of people know Bladelet is due to be coming, and it's all people talk about to me when they see me.  I don't like this, really.  In an ideal world I would keep this private until we know for certain he's coming, but I really don't like it for Wyxling, who seems to be largely ignored by most people when I take her out.  I am rethinking how I deal with this to try and turn the focus back on Wyxling more.  She needs to know she's not being sidelined, she's still so fragile and in some ways it is too soon for her, although in others she desperately misses a sibling relationship.

But, the big success, seems to be bedtime.  We've had a good put down for nap time for a while (she falls asleep on me, takes a couple of songs, sometimes three or four), but not bedtime.  Wyxling gets herself so agitated in the run up to bedtime (lots of care related things, lots of control issues there) and it always ends up with her being very agitated and we end up leaving her verging on hyper and refusing to go to sleep and chattering to herself for ages/playing even though she's shattered most nights.  I've never really been able to calm her from the massively agitated state when she gets there, we can calm her most of the time now, eventually, but not at bed time.  Last few days I've been managing to bring her down, just singing and talking to her quietly, and leaving her not asleep, but calm and happy, blowing me a kiss goodnight and then shutting right up and asleep in 5 minutes.  Need to see how my husband does tomorrow - he doesn't do the singing bit, it's so bad even a two year old complains poor bloke, and she responds quite differently to us at times.

Tomorrow, the big move, Wyxling is going in the bigger bedroom.  The current plan is to try a share, loosely, although we'll put a travel cot up in our room which in reality I suspect we'll use for a month or two for Bladelet as he's used to sleeping in his foster carer's room, and then try and ease him into using the main cot, but his "stuff" and toys etc will go in with Wyxling.  I'm not convinced this is the best option, I'm leaning towards separate rooms even though it's a pain for us because we then have no spare, but either way, Wyxling is going into the bigger bedroom and we need to get it sorted, so tomorrow's the day.  Although she wants to go in the bigger room, and is excited about it, and loves the view from the window in there (she can watch our cats prowling round the neighbour's gardens and generally getting into trouble) it's a change, and it will unsettle her, although she probably won't understand why, which will generally exacerbate any control issues.  I have all my patience on.

Got a photo of Bladelet today that we can keep.  I was starting to convince myself that I'd imagined how much like Wyxling he looked, but I didn't.  Colouring is quite different, but exactly the same eyes, nose, and cheeky grin.  I was a little cross with my husband at his lack of emotion about this, I had expected more of a response.  I know he's pragmatic about things and is a very good man.  He always tries to do the right thing, and he loves Wyxling and will love Bladelet, but sometimes I wish he would be more impulsive, expressive.

But, this week, sunshine.  Wyxling is so happy in the garden in the sunshine.  As are our cats as well.  We have renamed it the jungle, and Wyxling is tickled to bits when I tell her that one of our cats plays out there pretending she's a tiger, prowling through the long grass, stalking her prey.  Wyxling has decided this is great and is perfecting the bum wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, pounce that our awesome little cat has.  Wyxling is yet to catch me a mouse, thankfully!  Gardens are great, for painting in, sandpits, and various other messy things that you would love to do more of if it didn't involve a mammoth operation to protect your house from the fall out.  Please let this year bring us more of a summer than last.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It must be really hard for Wyxling with everyone talking about it all the time definitely won't help calm her fears. Hope the move to the big bedroom goes as smooth as possible. Can't believe the idiot still hasn't given you life story stuff. The amount of time he's wasting it would be easier if he just gave you the photos and you can make the book (even though you shouldn't have to.)  . 

Hopefully Bladelet's SW will be much better and you should be rid of the idiot very soon.  . I love the thought of Wyxling pretending to be a tiger so cute. Our garden would be a great jungle lol. I've got loads of stuff on my amazon wish list for garden fun.  

Hope Wyxling has a settled weekend and responds as calmly as she can to the photo.  x x x


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## Wyxie

I've asked for the photos, and I would happily make the book.  He hasn't managed to do that either.  The one he's done is far too complicated for her age anyway.    I asked him to let me have the photos and life story work on disc (why this is a difficult request I do not know) as I want something I can let Wyxling have and not worry if she damages it.  I was just going to keep the life story work until she was a bit older, but do a massively simplified version I can look at with her now.  

We moved Wyxling into the bigger bedroom yesterday.  The move has stressed her more than most people would have believed possible, but she seems to be recovering from it quite quickly.  My Mum came down yesterday and took her out for the afternoon while we moved the furniture round, and I was very glad she did in the end.  Wyxling saw us starting to get the smaller things ready, and taking the old furniture out of the spare room, and was getting very agitated, constantly repeating the same questions.  Yesterday evening and this morning have been really tough.  She was constantly demanding Granny for cuddles and quite pointedly turning her back on me.  Clearly, this is a really really bad sign from an attachment point of view and it was hard not to be upset.  I knew it would be incredibly stressful for her to have her things moved and put into another bedroom, but she wanted the (significantly) bigger bedroom, and I felt like I had to offer her the choice now.  

My Mum was very good and really stepped back and left us to it.  She was going to come swimming with us all this morning but changed her mind, and she told Wyxling she didn't want to go, so it wasn't me saying no.  Wyxling was fine once we got out and we had an OK morning swimming, until we bumped into a little girl from playgroup who she really likes and who she plays with quite a bit (very cute, they hold hands everywhere) but instead of her Mum, the other little girl was with her Dad, and Wyxling couldn't cope with this.  We ended up going home fairly early but we did at least get some good time together.

Wyxling was distracted, stressed, massively agitated as soon as we had to do anything like change her.  It was really, really hard to watch her like that again.  We had a few kick offs this morning. 

Somehow, we managed to bring her back.  My Mum went home at lunch time just before Wyxling had a nap.  I got her down for her nap without any major incidents but she absolutely did not want to let go of me at all.  She was still really zoned out when she woke up, shellshocked almost, but we spent ages "coming round", had a big snuggle before she really woke up, and got her dressed for the afternoon slowly.  She wanted to help my husband make chilli which she did, although she was still very distant and fussing when she got her hands dirty (something she used to do on placement and tends to do still when stressed).  But, he was very patient, we then went into the garden and we played while hubby cut the grass, she perked up a bit, and by the end of the afternoon she was quite happy playing on her own in her wendy house, and pottering out to us to play with us when she was finished with her very important business in there (making dinner normally).  We had a really, really good afternoon, and although bedtime was difficult, and we had a lot of refusals to do things, I got her there in the end, and it wasn't explosive.  We had a big chat before bedtime, and I think a lot of what she was objecting to was my husband telling her, with the very best of intentions, she was a big girl with a big room.  She doesn't want to stop being our baby.  We agreed that she will always be our baby girl, but with a big bedroom to run around in.

I need to speak to my M-I-L about how we're going to deal with things during the first part of the introductions when she will be staying with us so baby sit when Wyxling isn't with us.  I know my M-I-L would have responded very differently to Wyxling today, and instead of stepping back to let us try and get her sorted out, she would have wanted to take over, and "give us a break".  This is really the wrong response.  I think it will happen when we have Bladelet come along, and she's here, and we need to be very clear that it's still us who look after her, play with her, and cuddle her when she's upset.  I think I will ask my M-I-L to keep her very busy during the day so she doesn't have time to mope, and we'll do the quiet time in the evening.

Anyway, a day that started with me in a complete panic and thinking we should call the whole thing off, finished calmly, with a happy baby, who is slowly coming round to the idea that it's OK for her old room to be her brother's, and that she did choose the big room.  She wants to help us find some things to go in her old room, which she was quite chirpily calling Bladelet's room by bedtime, while proudly claiming the old spare room as hers.  She was much happier once we got her pictures on the wall, oddly, or maybe not if I really think about it.  She has a real thing about her things being given to someone else, or people taking things off her, and she loves the stuff on the wall in her room (it's mostly quite tactile, and I often lift her up to stroke things).  Once that was "hers" again, she was a lot happier. 

I simply cannot seem to get myself on an even keel emotionally at the moment.  One minute I'm full of confidence in myself and my husband and Wyxling to cope with the stresses of the next few months, happiness at the thought of our family being complete, and certain that in the long term we are making the right decision.  The next minute I'm plagued with doubts and consumed with guilt.

I watched my husband playing with Wyxling in the garden this afternoon.  He is so incredibly good with children, but his humour is quite sophisticated and hard for a child to get at times, but she does get it.  He was teasing her outrageously and she was laughing and smiling and telling him off for teasing her, but she clearly doesn't mean it, she loves it.  They were so happy together, playing in the sunshine.  There are times when I look at them together, playing, and I simply can't stop myself crying.  It still feels like a dream some days.


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## Wyxie

Life with Wyxling is never dull.  She is, in so many ways, a child of extremes.  Not the placid easy baby we had described to us, just a whole lot more.  I love that my daughter has a bit of something about her, in a lot of ways, intelligence, curiosity, stubborness (although there are days I would pass on that one), expansive, affectionate, determined, she just has so much charisma it's almost impossible to believe she's not quite 2 1/2.  She's also insecure, explosive, and difficult.  I guess these things all go together, but some of them have been exacerbated by her early experiences.  I love that my daughter has a bit something about her, for want of a better way of putting it, but I also worry about whether we will ever be able to help her to be completely happy and settled.

I too can be a person of extremes, and being Wyxling's Mum only serves to intensify this.  With Wyxling I live in the moment.

The last few days have been a string of wonderful highs and heartbreaking lows.  Intellectually, when I look back, I can see that the highs massively outweigh the lows, we have had some truly amazing time with Wyxling, but in the moment, the extreme lows can be overwhelming.

I hope we are getting past the huge amount of fall out from the room move and Granny visit at the weekend, and the way the room move has really made her realise that yes, Bladelet is coming, and her old room will be his.  She's generally positive about having a brother, although I guess I have in many ways been downplaying it, stressing that he will be a baby, and not trying to sell him as a playmate.  She likes the idea of being the oldest, and the first, but she's not that sure about me being his Mummy, and pretty fed up of everyone asking about him and not getting her usual amount of attention when we're out and about.  She actually stuck her hands over her ears today when the fourth or fifth person asked me if I knew when he was coming home yet, and I started to explained, again, about going back to panel, introductions etc and that it takes a while.  I took the hint, and changed the subject.  The Mum I was talking to was very good with Wyxling and took the hint and we talked about yesterday's zoo trip for a bit instead.    Anyway, after all this upheaval, that's pretty good calm time really, 3 days.  Particularly given my husband is off work, always unsettling for her, and we've had a couple of days trips and break in routine, something that always used to make her go quite off the rails.  We went to the zoo, we played, she laughed, smiled, and we have, barring the bedtimes, had a couple of brilliant days.  

Bedtimes, however, have been horrendous since the weekend when we changed the room, total refusal for teeth, nappy, cream, PJs, massive screaming fight lasting an hour and a half, worse than they've been for months.  But this evening I've had the calmest bedtime with Wyxling I think we've ever had.  I changed things a bit, and although she was twitchy about doing her teeth, we got there in the end, and her nappy on OK with some distraction.  The cream is always the most likely to explode part, and it takes ages if she does, but actually for the first time ever tonight she sat still on my lap and not only let me put it on, but relaxed and quite enjoyed having a massage.  What is the magic, I hear you ask?  In the Night Garden.  I did things a bit differently, and I have had a feeling for a while that might help because even when things go "well" at bedtime, there's always an undercurrent of "this is the time I mess you around" and I felt like we actually needed a break in routine, something that doesn't normally work well with Wyxling, to break this cycle.  We'll try it again that way tomorrow, and see how it goes.  We need to change things a bit anyway before Bladelet is here, and any routine changes will work a lot better now, so she can settle into them before we have another baby here.

Anyway, the In the Night Garden bit brings me on to subconscious memory, and how powerful it is, even for a baby.

Wyxling was placed with us nearly a year ago at 18 1/2 months old.  I think it's unlikely that even a child like Wyxling who does have a very good memory and high (anxiously high) level of awareness of her surroundings, probably won't remember the move from f/c a year later at 2 1/2.  She hasn't seen In the Night Garden in my house, or anyone else's, in that time.  I am absolutely certain of that.  But when I put the TV on to put a Mr Tumble on for her, and she saw it on, she remembered it, and wanted to watch it more than Mr Tumble (unheard of) and it immediately calmed her.  On a similar theme, I have never discussed her f/c with her, or where Bladelet is other than in f/c, but when I showed her photos today of Bladelet and his foster carers, the first thing she said about them, was that they were different from hers.  I really didn't think she even understood she'd been with a foster carer as well as her birth mum, as she's often unwilling to talk when I talk to her about how she came to be with us.  All she will normally say is that I am her Mummy, and sometimes she gets upset and says I'm her "one Mummy".  But she knew, that was not her foster carer.  She asked me was it Bladelet's Mummy and Daddy, and I said no, they were his foster carer, who looked after him until he came to us.  

The way she associates things sometimes amazes me, but it always worries me.  I worry that because of the terrible situation we had when we brought her home, and the hostility of her foster carer, who she certainly had some attachment too although I would definitely question the security of that, at some deep level she's not even aware of, we will always be the people who stole her away from where she wanted to be.  I worry that at such a deep level she simply can't understand or change, she will always feel compelled to fight us.  I hope I'm wrong and that in time we can talk about how she feels, when she has the words to, and start to make some sense of it with her.  I don't know how, in the future, I will explain the situation when she came to us, if I need to.  I am starting to think that I will need to talk to her about it to help her understand why she sometimes feels like she does about us.

Right now, I'm simply hoping for another wonderful day tomorrow.  I've watched my little girl play, and smile, and laugh, in the sunshine so much this last week, and it's been wonderful.  Watching my little girl and my husband play in the sunshine, just makes me cry, when they're both happy.  I know it won't be sunny tomorrow, but it'll still be a day together, the three of us.


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## Wyxie

Since adopting, lots of things about my life have changed a lot.  On the whole things are much better, happier, and I am more fulfilled.  Some aspects of my life are undoubtedly harder, much harder.  Some, however, are just weird now. 

Once you have children, going to the toilet has become a whole different experience.  Having a very insecure child who can't be left for 30 seconds or so, highlights this.  Therefore, when I go to the toilet, Wyxling often comes with me, and always if we're out and about.

I have discovered that no matter how much I really need the toilet, I am incapable of weeing with a child trying to dangle off my knees, or kicking me in the shins.  I am very softly potty training with Wyxling at the moment and sometimes when we're out and about she goes for a wee on the big toilet.  I have to hold her hands/sides to stop her falling in.  She randomly decided she needs to return the favour and clings onto my hands to "hold Mummy up", while very earnestly telling me about it.  This is something she expects a lot of praise for.  It does at least make me laugh which assists with the planned operation!

However now she's properly talking in pretty much full sentences, when we go out and use public toilets, things can get interesting.  I try to make sure I wear decent underwear as whatever I'm wearing will be announced full volume to anyone in the adjoining cubicles.  She has also recently learned how to unlock doors, so keeping her distracted is key.  I have resigned myself to being the crazy lady whose yellow spotty knickers have a hole in the bum, and who can't seem to go for a wee without singing the Hokey Cokey.

Thank you Wyxling, for making life more entertaining!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I know that feeling, there you are desperately trying to stop a 2 year old from opening the loo door on a camp site because it's too far away to reach from the loo and you are mid flow!!! My niece was good at that one! 

Loving the stories, keep it flowing.  I can't wait to be in a position to share similar soon xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Love the image of Wyxling in public toilets. Little ones and public toilets are a nightmare. Just wait till DS gets to about 3 and refuses to go in the ladies anymore that will be your next one x x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

It really sounds like many ups and downs for you, with the ups outweighing the downs a hundred times over. All that you and your family for for little lady is amazing, and fab mummy in my opinion. It is crazy what little minds retain and actually quite scary. I am sure you have many challenges ahead but I hope with all my heart she embraces being a big sister and welcomes little man into your family well. 

Love reading your posts, I always feel you open my eyes to adoption and I learn a lot. I hope you have enjoyed family time with hubby home. Oh and your toilet posts are hilarious (and another consideration to be had!!) 

Love lolly


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## Wyxie

Toilets and Wyxling continue to be an interesting experience.

After having to wear "big pants" for so long after my last m/c (I bled and had issues for about six months) I've never been able to get comfortable with wearing thongs again.  Occasionally, I still do though, normally when I have failed on the whole washing front for a while, but Wyxling just doesn't get it, and tends to announce "Mummy, no pants on."  Sanitary stuff is worse though, because it really distressed her for a long time.  I suspect her f/c was probably post-menopause and the first time she saw me using sanitary protection she completely freaked, but I couldn't leave her outside the toilet, she'd get even more distressed and hurt herself.  Explaining periods to an under 2 is kind of hard when they're not used to it.  I have finally managed to convince her it's OK, and Mummy's not hurt, it's just something that happens, nothing to worry about etc, and now she is really fascinated by it.  If she sees a tampon in my bag she will grab it out and announce "that up Mummy's bum, yes, hurt, no."

Although one of the little girls at play group did go one better than Wyxling has ever managed a few weeks ago.  They were reading the kids a story, and it was about bedtime, and the little girl in the story was having a bath.  The guy reading the story asked did they all have bubbles in their bath.  Wyxling said yes, but Mummy has more bubbles (if we bath together I tend to fill the bath with them, it's nice time and a bit of a treat).  Another little girl then announced loudly "my Mummy can't have bubbles, they make her fanny itch."

The ups always outweigh the downs.  When things are tough, I remind myself how much tougher they were before Wyxling was here.  Things get easier over time, but I still worry a lot about her need to control.

The week has been full of ups and downs.  She's unsettled because of the room change, Granny visited last weekend, Grandad visited today, hubby being off always throws her, we had a week of lots of going out and about - we did think about toning it down because she'd been out of sorts but decided to go with it, because we feel like we also need to get her used to doing things that aren't part of her routine sometimes, and best with just us now because it won't be possible for a while after Bladelet is here - and haven't done a lot of her usual playgroup type things.  In the grand scheme of things she's coped really well, but it's always hard after a couple of kick off free weeks when it starts again.  The time out we've had has been awesome.  We've finally done a lot of the things we'd hoped to do a lot sooner, went to the zoo, sea life centre, a few other bits.  She's fascinated by stuff, really interested, she loved the sea life centre which we had thought may just be a bit old for her, and wanted to go round again after we'd been the whole way round once, to see her favourite things again.  She's smiled and laughed lots, and when she smiles at me or my husband it's just the best thing in the world.  She doesn't do anything in half measures and that includes being happy.  When she's happy she's so completely happy, and wants us.  We've had kick offs but things have got better throughout the week.  The bedroom move has really thrown her, and it's going to take a while.  She's also now realised my husband is going back to work on Monday, and is not happy about that.  She has been throwing in a sulky "need yoghurts" and a big frown every time she's remembered today - this is how we explain the need to work.

Bedtimes are still good.  Completely chilled.  Wow.  I am feeling so much better about this.  This will be our time with Wyxling after Bladelet has gone to bed, and I was hating that this is always the worst time of the day.  She's still thoroughly chilled out while we get her cream on and PJs on, and happy to sit for a really long massage - likes it although we're not making a big deal of it - then go upstairs for her stories and milk and a big cuddle.  She's been really sleepy when we've put her in bed every evening and no fuss at all at bedtime.  Please let this carry on!  Getting ready in the mornings has been somewhat worse, but something had to give really, it was never going to be a fix all.

I know that no placement is "easy" and it always takes children time to attach, but at the same time I'm really hoping for an easier move for Bladelet.

Wyxling likes the photo, and is talking about him being here more positively.  She's fussing about me being his Mummy a lot less.  She realised today that her Grannies would be his Grannies and that caused some consternation as well, but she's coming round to the idea.  I've been very careful not to sell him as a playmate, because I would rather have the anxiety now, and less of a "bump" when he lands, than set unrealistic expectations.  We've actually been told that he really likes having older kids around and plays well with them, but I'm not going to push this bit with Wyxling.  I've been stressing he's a baby who will need lots of love and looking after, and it will be very scarey for him, because he won't understand, like she was too little to understand when she came to us.  She keeps telling me she will cuddle him, and hold his hand when he crosses the road when he learns to walk, pick him up if he falls over etc.  In reality, I'm hoping they will start to play together, but I really don't want this to be Wyxling's expectation.

My thoughts are all over the place tonight.  I've had a couple of beers.  I haven't drunk beer for a long time, went totally off it a few years ago and then didn't drink much at all while we were trying to conceive.  Since we stopped trying, I've only ever really found a taste for wine, but hubby got a few IPAs in and I'd forgotten how much I like them.  

I'm also, randomly, learning to knit.  I have a bit of a project on for myself, which while not hard, is for Wyxling, and I'm determined to do it well because she'll love it.

The two do not mix.  I just unpicked about 25 rows.

Hope everyone is well.

I read about Unconditional being rejected at panel, and could not help thinking there but for the Grace of God, or more precisely gift of the gab, that could have been us.  I don't really believe in God, but these sayings pop into my head, and I cannot completely come to terms with rejecting religion as fully as I would intellectually like to.

I am drunk.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I don't think it can hurt to let go every now and then, sounds like a couple of IPA's might be just what the Dr ordered! lol

I love reading your diary updates so much, because they are so well written and thoughtful and it's like catching up with a favourite book...


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So glad that Wyxling is getting happier about her little brother.  Trying to think of a way to explain that love isn't halved when you have two children but I am struggling to make it 2 year old appropriate x x x


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## Handstitchedmum

Ditto to AuntieKatie.  

How much left to do before Bladelet arrives?


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## Wyxie

Today, I am tired.  Tired of it all.  Tired of the constant fight.  Tired of the control being central to everything.  Tired of being constantly defied.  Tired of being rejected.  Tired of the behaviour.  Tired of giving and giving and giving and getting nothing back.  Tired of my husband being grumpy, rude, dismissive and unwilling to talk about Wyxling's problems.  Tired of being me.

Today, I just want things to be normal.  I want a baby who loves me, and trusts me, and accepts me, who can be soothed by me.  I want a husband who is happy at home and relaxed with his children.

I want a break.

I'm sure tomorrow things will be back to normal, but for today, it's been a bad day and I'm tired.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I hope tomorrow is easier x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-




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## MummyAuntieKatie

I read and ran, because I didn't know how to help, but then I came back just to say that it's good you can voice your frustrations here because sometimes I think it can be hard to say them out loud at home.  I hope hubby gets his **** in gear and gives you some better support once he has had time to consider things more fully   .  I think men forget that they get to go away and be themselves for 8 hours a day, when (mostly) the woman is at home trying to be all things to all people.    Bug hugs to you.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So true AK can already see those conversations between me and DH. x


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## Sq9

I hope tomorrow is better for you


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## Handstitchedmum

HSDad tends to avoid things, too... It will be constant work to keep him involved and engaged in the therapeutic parenting process.

To be honest, it must be hard to not be around the kids in the way stay-at-home parents are. I would find it difficult to relinquish control and trust in my at-home partner. I hope you both get through this stressful period to a more stable and happy one.


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies, I have been very over-emotional the last few weeks and seem to be getting upset a lot easier than normal.  Perhaps it's in part because we're coming up to a year since Wyxling was placed and have the Celebration Hearing soon and I'd hoped this far into placement the sudden regressions might have stopped happening.  Of course given the amount of upheaval lately and the knowledge that Bladelet is coming, it's not really surprising.  They are a lot less frequent now, but sometimes that makes it a lot harder when it first starts again.  Finally had a chat with my husband who just says he doesn't talk about it because he doesn't have anything to add that we haven't already thought of.  He just thinks it's time and that I get too rolled up in what's happening on any given day, when overall progress has been really good.  This is true, of course, but it still helps to talk about the bad days and how we can manage them better at the end of them.  Anyway, a chat was good, and I felt much better for it, although he looked quite down.  I think being back in work today will do him some good.  In work he has all the answers and if he doesn't, he'll work something out.  He isn't able to do that with Wyxling and he finds that hard sometimes.  He fixes things, and fixing Wyxling isn't that easy.

That said, tomorrow is, indeed, better.  Much better.  Wyxling is missing my husband who went back to work today, as she always does after he's been off, but also as always, she's actually a lot calmer now he's back in work again and normality has been restored.  

Today's bad news, however, is that I've just found out I can't get a morning place at Wyxling for nursery in January, only an afternoon one, which is no use to us really as all my and Wyxling's appointments tend to fall in the afternoon, so it'll probably be September 2014 before I can get Wyxling into state nursery, which is not ideal.  I'm starting to feel like she does need some nursery time, and we had thought about six months after Bladelet is placed would be ideal really.  I had planned to try and use Bladelet's afternoon sleep to get one to one time with Wyxling, and Wyxling's nursery time to get one to one time with Bladelet.  I'm wondering whether a call to the school from me or perhaps Bladelet's SW if he's placed might help.  While Bladelet is still a looked after child we may get some priority here.

We haven't got anything for Bladelet yet, except a toy for Wyxling to give him and the Tomy photo album, but I haven't put the pictures in or recorded anything.  I've seen something that I'm going to get for him to give Wyxling when they meet.  I keep thinking something is going to go wrong and it won't happen and I keep finding reasons to put it off but we really need to get on with it now.  Once Wyxling has had a couple of days of normal routine again to settle her back down, I'll go out with her and we'll start to get a few bits.  Think my husband is going to put the cot up next weekend.  We didn't get as much done around the house this week as we'd have liked as we've both had awful colds, which was bad timing.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Definitely call but go on your local council website and call school admissions team first. Explain your situation and that Wyxling is a previously looked after child and you think this gives her preference for school places (which is does she counts as a criteria 1 entry this has been extended from looked after to previously looked after recently.) Then ask them if she gets similar preferential treatment for pre-school places in state funded establishments as she would for school places once she starts in reception (sorry I don't know the answer to that one.) 

Also ask is there an appeals procedure for nursery places like there is for school places (if so there is a strong chance they would be forced to take her on appeal by the council appeals board.) 

If she doesn't get preferential treatment for places and there is no appeal procedure then I'd go down the SW explain and appeal to there better nature line. If there is then admissions will be able to give you advice about how to get her a place through these avenues. 

Don't worry doing any of this is very standard every day stuff to schools appeals are lodged and heard all the time and this will not create one ounce of bad feeling or trouble. Good luck PM me if you need anything more specific / struggle to find the right people to call x x x x x


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the information.  That's very helpful.  I've just been doing some research and saw that the change had been made.  I knew it was due due to change but had thought it was still in the pipeline.  Will try contacting the school tomorrow and take it from there.  Hoping I can sort it sooner rather than later.  In our area preference for the morning nursery slots goes on age.  Wyxling is eligable for 5 terms of pre school and we've been told that she should get a morning a lot come Sep 2014, but itit would be afternoons for the first 2 terms.  I really feel like Wyxling needs preschool for various reasons and her going next January has been part of the plan with Bladelet for a while.  Really hoping we can get it sorted.


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## Wyxie

Well, the day started with a very helpful conversation with the headteacher of the nursery & infant school.  She was very sympathetic and said while she couldn't make any guarantees without speaking to anyone, there would be a limited number of morning places and she was almost certain they would be able to offer one.  She is going to look into it and write to us.  She also mentioned the school being involved in meetings for Bladelet and liaising with healthcare professionals involved with Wyxling, if I thought it would help.  I don't think that's necessary at the moment, but I do think I'll need to meet with the nursery staff involved with Wyxling before she starts pre-school to make them aware of how potential problems display with Wyxling, and how different she can behave to most children when she's stressed and upset.  I think it will be very easy for problems to be overlooked because actually she doesn't kick off in situations like that, or get upset, she completely disassociates and when that happens she can be brought back quite easily if it's done right, and if it's spotted quickly, but if not or if it's handled in the sort of way a lot of children respond well to, but which is very wrong for Wyxling, then she very rapidly goes into a big downward spiral.  I'm hoping in another 8 months time she'll be dealing with stressful situations a little better, but it's reassuring to know that the school are at least in theory, sympathetic.  

There are only two other local schools with a state pre-school and one has a terrible reputation, and I felt like the other clearly saw adopted and immediately made the leap to under-achieving and discipline problems.  They didn't seem to want to show any flexibility at all.  One of the reasons I picked that nursery school is because I liked what I saw when I went in to meet with them, and the teacher we met with was open to the idea that Wyxling may not respond in the same way a lot of children do to stressful situations.  

Wyxling seems to be calming more again, she's been saying she misses Daddy all day, but has been much calmer now he's back in work again.  He came home early and her face lit up like Christmas when she saw him arrive home.  We also had the best bedtime I've ever had with her tonight, by quite a wide margin.  She sat for about a 20 minute massage while I put her cream on, and she's actually stopped fiddling/picking at her fingers by then end.

Had a long talk with hubby last night, we both felt much better for it.  We have a plan, and as tends to be the way with geeks, we are much happier when we have a plan.


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## Wyxie

Well we have had a busy, but largely positive week. We are both feeling very positive at the end of it, and I am looking forward to Bladelet coming home. Panel permitting it is going ahead, and so I am permitting myself a little shopping. I'd be more excited about the shopping if I weren't incredibly paranoid about eating into our savings when I've just stopped working, so I'm shopping sensibly, mostly.

*The Good*

Wyxling has continued to calm over the week since my husband went back to work. She's stopped fussing about the new room not being Granny's any more, and the old room not being hers. She's quite happily calling it Bladelet's room and is pretty chuffed with her new big bedroom. I've promised her a rug for the floor as the middle of the room is quite empty and we've both been looking online for one she likes, but my Wyxling is fussy, and we've not quite decided on the right one yet.

We've had a lot of good firsts in the last few weeks, in terms of affection and dealing with me and my husband together. We recently got the book Guess How Much I Love You. I've looked at it before but decided against as for a long time when we told Wyxling we loved her she would just say no. Then since things got better I forgot about it, and was reminded recently. She loves it, and now asks for it every story time, and is very snuggly. I have found a couple of good ways of pulling her out of her negative moods, and despite what everyone says about her being too young to understand teasing, she does, and she responds extremely well to it at times. If I say "Oooh, how much does Mummy love you again, is it a teeny bit? That doesn't sound quite right to me, did I get it wrong?" she will laugh and say something like "no, cheeky Mummy, not teeny bit, Mummy love Wyxling lots!" and give me a big kiss and a cuddle. We can have a bit of a play around with that one, and she loves it.

She's also, over the last few weeks, stopped being jealous of my husband and I giving each other attention. She's always responded quite negatively, will try and push my husband away if he comes to kiss me when I'm holding her, or to kiss her, and has generally pushed him away a lot when he's going out to work. For a few months she refused to cuddle him in the mornings at all, and wouldn't talk to him when he got home, even though she spent all day asking about him. If I give my husband a quite kiss now, that's not enough, she tries to squeeze us all together so we can have a "big duddle" with all of us in it "together". I think together is her new favourite word. She runs to give my husband a cuddle before he goes out in the morning, and blows me a kiss when I go for a run/swim - always a sore point in the past.

It just feels like in lots of little individually small ways, things are becoming much more normal.

In retrospect I'm stunned by how quickly she recovered from all the upheaval last week, in just a few days of normal routine.

*The Bad*

Wyxling has been having some theraplay and that's involved her being observed and worked with by some Social Workers who specialise in that, and who actually have managed to impress me, somewhat to my surprise, and two behavioural psychologists. We've had three sessions now and have had a fair amount of feedback. They've also, to my surprise, seen Wyxling in a somewhat agitated state that she normally only shows around the house. One of the sessions was about half an hour after what should have been her nap time and she didn't want to go, she was in a right pickle when I got her there, and oddly, I was quite pleased. I find it hard to explain Wyxling's behaviour when she's in this state because it's not what she does, it's how she does it, and somewhat oddly for me, I struggle to verbalise what's actually wrong with it. I normally end up giving examples of what she does and getting funny "well, yes, she's two, duh!" looks from people. Anyway, she wasn't anywhere near the state she has been in at home on occasion, but she was on the way, and my gut feeling was that it would actually be a good thing for her to be there in that state, even though it totally ruled out any form of cooperation with anything that was going on in that session, because I could then say "that's what I mean". Like that, only a lot more so at times.

Anyway, the feedback is long and details and very specific to Wyxling and the details don't really matter here, but, they have confirmed our suspicions that she has an unhealthy attachment style (avoidant). She's too young for them to know whether it's an attachment disorder that needs to be managed or just a style of attachment which can be relearned with the right help.

I know it will sound weird but I find it almost a relief for someone else to say this. Yes, there is something that is not quite right with how she interacts with us, even when things are "good". The control issues are more than normal toddler behaviour and we are right to be looking for alternative ways to deal with this. They think given her background it's probably learned as self-protection, and that she's already a long way towards unlearning it, and she is starting to show some behaviours that tie in with having secure attachment to me, just not really there yet and we have some work to do. They were on the whole very positive about how I handle situations and have just suggested a couple of small changes to how we interact, and one big complete turn around from previous advice, which I am going with as well as I can. I guess I am of the opinion that if one asks for help, then one should accept the advice unless there's a very good reason not to. I want someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I think my big dread was they would be all "oh, yes, that's lovely, very nice" because that's bugger all use to us. Actually I've had very good results with Wyxling in just a couple of days and today, the only day she's really struggled this week due to a complete lack of sleep last night, we've gone through the day with largely good time and no actual kick offs, although she was definitely bubbling for most of the afternoon!

They have also mentioned interaction with others. Wyxling is very, very wary with strangers now. I've sometimes worried she's too wary and they agree. They felt she was really lacking in self-confidence for a child her age. She is too aware of her surroundings and too worried about new people. Not a lot we can do about that in the short term except be reassuring - good, that's fine. I was very relieved that she asked about how she is with relatives and people she knows better, because we've both thought for a while that we need to change things in how this works. It helps that it comes from someone else though without me asking, because it makes it much easier for us to enlist family's support in this. Telling my M-I-L that I think she's doing things wrong doesn't get much credit, no matter how diplomatically I put it, telling her that a team of professionals think that we need their help to change how Wyxling is interacting with them and reinforce that she needs to come to us, will be somewhat easier. It's still not a conversation I'm looking forward to mind you, but I at least feel like I have some authority from which to make my request.

Wyxling, when she's unsettled, will go to Grannies and demand cuddles etc while pointedly refusing anything from us. Grannies have loved this and been very keen to help out and totally ignored my "this is a sign of something really not right" and told me to put my feet up and let them help out etc. I appreciate that this is with the very, very best of intentions from both of them. I could not asked for either of our sets of parents to have given our daughter more acceptance of love as their grandchild, they do a huge amount for us and we could not have managed everything we've needed to in the last year to try and get Bladelet without both sets of parents' help, often involving a lot of inconvenient travelling for them. But, taking advice is not my M-I-L's strong point, and my Mum tends to do first and think later. We have been given some very clear direction on what should and shouldn't be happening which is pretty much exactly what my husband and I have been saying to each other for the last few weeks.

I'm braced for the discussion before the next family visits but I _know_ this is going to help Wyxling a huge amount and that it will make the introduction period with Bladelet much easier.

As ever, with some answers and ideas, I have a new surge of energy to put into things, and Wyxling is responding really well to some very, very minor changes which is wonderful to see.

*The Ugly*

Wyxling has definitely been damaged by her relationship with her foster sibling, which was not healthy. The other child was older and bigger, and had some problems. They weren't supervised properly. Whatever Wyxling picked up or had, was taken off her. If she objected, she was told to "share". This did not work both ways. It might sound like a petty thing but it really was quite noticeable that she had no favourite toys or things, no cuddly toys she particularly liked, she just grabbed what she could. When she first came to us she would try and claim everything and hold on to it. Mine was probably her most used work for about 3 months, except possibly no.

When I first told her about a brother coming, she didn't say much, but I noticed she started hiding all her favourite toys in her bed, and when I found them and took them out she started breaking them. She did this at Christmas as well, when of course she got new things. When I see her trying to break her things I just stop her and tell her she likes it, and she'll be sad she broke it later. I was advised when she broke things to fix them if possible, which if I am honest was not my natural reaction, and tell her I knew she liked them and she didn't really want to break them, so I mended them. Oddly, or maybe not if I really think about it, this worked. She stopped doing it. She hadn't done it for a while but started again when Bladelet first was mentioned, we talked about it and it stopped. I'm glad I could persuade her this wasn't something she would have to worry about, her things would still be her things, and Bladelet's things would be his things. There are things they need to share of course, but they will both have their own stuff. The reaction really upset me though, both times we've seen this, it just made me very, very sad.

Wyxling is really warming to the idea of a brother. But, she is worrying about how this will effect her in lots of ways. She thinks things through in a way that most children her age simply wouldn't. She keeps questioning everything, and how it will effect her. I've told her that some things she will have to share. Mummy and Daddy, for one, which she's coming round to slowly, although a bit unsure, her sandpit and her slide and her wendy house - we do not have room for two and even Wyxling agreed that they are all more fun with someone else to play with. I've made it very clear that her toys remain hers. She's really liked that we have a picture, she wants it, and she is starting to claim him as her brother. We've talked a lot about what siblings do, the good stuff and the bad stuff, and she has agreed that the good stuff make the bad stuff, arguing and sharing, worthwhile. She keeps telling me what she will do for him, that she'll hold his hand when he crosses the road, pick him up if he falls over when he learns to walk, cuddle him if he's sad or scared, etc. She likes the idea of playing with him although we've agreed he probably won't be big enough to play much at first. But she's still worrying of course.

She's been talking about him lots at meal times, and generally fussing about where he'll sit, who'll feed him, whether I'll still feed her (she doesn't need help but sometimes she likes to be fed and I'm fine with that), but none of my answers have been what she was really looking for, because she keeps fussing. Yesterday at dinner time she told me it was OK for Bladelet to share her meals. We had a little talk about this and somehow in her head another child meant she would get less food. It just never occurred to me that she would think there wouldn't be separate food for Bladelet, and in retrospect it really should have done. Food was a huge issue for Wyxling when she came to us. She went into foster care with food issues, she was not reliably fed when with birth Mum as a young baby, and the way food was often handled in foster care, while there was certainly enough to go round, almost certainly made things worse. It has taken us a long time to get a semblance of normal behaviour with food, and recently we've had really good progress with this. It's not often now that Wyxling surprises me, but I didn't expect that. I try not to cry in front of her, I tell her she's our wonderful baby and she has made us very happy, which is true, and although it's more complicated than that she doesn't need to know that yet. But I couldn't help crying. Babies shouldn't think like that, shouldn't have to think like that. My baby shouldn't have to think like that. But she did think about that, and having thought about it, she made the choice, for whatever reason I do not know and she couldn't tell me, that she did want to share her food with her little brother.

Sometimes I think I can understand and empathise with birth parents and the reasons they end up how they do, but when it's my daughter there are some things that I just can't forgive.


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## Handstitchedmum

Very powerful, Wyxie. 

Having had an avoidant attachment style with my own parents when I was her age, I understand some of what wyxling is feeling. I can tell that you empathise a lot, and that will be so valuable to her in the long term.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

You and your baby girl are amazing the fact she was willing to share her food after everything she has been through although upsetting is an amazing testament to you as a mother and her as an individual and a sister x x


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## Wyxie

A year ago today we met our baby Wyxling.  We took a helium balloon, and managed to coax her to come to us.  She hid behind her balloon lots.  I tickled her feet, and she gave me a shy smile and a very cheeky giggle, and looked at me with her huge brown eyes, and that was that.  I was hers forever.

What a year it has been, for all of us.  

We had a big snuggle this morning when she toddled in, and I told her about the first time we met, and showed her some photos.  That's a big step for Wyxling, being OK about talking about us meeting, the idea that we haven't always been there.  We went out this morning and I got her another balloon, which she is very pleased with.  She never cries normally if her things get lost or broken, but it blew into our neighbours garden this afternoon while we were playing in the sunshine and she absolutely howled, poor little thing.  My neighbour, needless to say, gave it us back and all was fine.  She's been a sunny little thing today, we've played, been to playgroup, theraplay, which was mostly very nice time, had a huge snuggle after her nap, and then played in the garden in the sunshine.  I put her to bed with no fuss, and my favourite teddy who seems to keep scampering into her room all on his own at the moment, and she fell fast asleep.

Love you Wyxling.


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## gettina

You haven't been posting here all that long Wyxie but you write so eloquently and movingly, it's crystal clear that in this year you three together have moved mountains. Yes, the journey is far from over but I hope you and dh give each other heartfelt pats on the back sometimes.
Gettina x


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## Handstitchedmum

A lovely anniversary!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Adopted-Children-Ruskai-Melina/dp/0060957174/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1369293324&sr=8-10&keywords=Parenting+Adopted+Children

I've just been reading this, it's really interesting (based around America but mentions UK too) and a couple of times I've recognised behaviours you have mentioned. I didn't know if you'd seen it before. x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

A beautiful post Wyx, lump in throat and misty eyes moment reading that.  Congratulations on your beautiful daughter once again


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## Wyxie

Gettina, I think for everything we do right, I think we've done something else wrong, especially in the early days of having Wyxling placed with us. In reality we were completely unprepared for a child we'd convinced ourselves was practically a baby to come in and fight us _that hard_ from day one, and we did not always handle it well. I sometimes wonder, if we'd done better in early placement, would things have got better sooner? It's easy to blame other people, her foster carer for a lot of things, her social worker for not noticing anything was wrong, or not caring, and both of them for not giving us half the information we needed to be prepared, but at the end of the day I'm an intelligent adult and quite capable of thinking for myself, and we did some things very wrong. We still do. It often feels like Wyxling needs someone who is has a serene level of calmness, and that person is not me. When she bubbles along in an agitated, defiant state, I still now, a year later, can't just go with it. My anxiety levels rocket, and I just can't seem to control it. I control it outwardly 99% of the time, but children pick up on our emotions, and I think it's very likely that my stress level contributes to her agitated state at times. I can cope with most things, but seeing my daughter in that state is very difficult for me, and my inability to do anything about it at times can really be a struggle. I don't believe in taking credit for our children's achievements, I think that is a dangerous road to go down. Wyxling deserves the very best, every child does, but children like Wyxling need it, and nothing else will do. I do _my_ best, or I try, but that's all I can do, and the rest is going to be up to her in the end.

Hi AuntieKatie, thank you for the link, that is not a book I have read, although I have a tonne of them now of varying degrees of usefulness, so may look into it next time I'm online shopping. What I am coming to realise is that Wyxling is not the "average" adopted child in the behaviours she displays. We're getting some help from a couple of psychologists at the moment who've advised a bit of a reverse on a lot of the standard advice, because they don't think she's the sort of child who responds well to a lot of choice. They have advised that they feel although she is fighting us caring for her at times, the best way to demonstrate is not to give her more choice and involvement, but less. They have advised that I stop "asking her permission" (their words, which do sort of fit, although basically it involves removing choices in a lot of circumstances) in a lot of matters and just presume cooperation until she shows me otherwise. I haven't presumed any level of cooperation from Wyxling for a long time, and it wouldn't have worked 6 months ago, but it does at times now, I'm surprised to find. They feel that she needs to see that it's OK to let me make her choices, and that I will make the right ones, and will always be there to do that. When it works, it works well, but sometimes if she's in a particularly oppositional mood, it really just fuels the defiance and the more she says no to me, the more she winds herself up, and the worse the day gets. I think I need to use my judgement as to her mood and decide for myself the best track to take with her, but I do feel like it's a big help at times. I'm due to talk to them again soon for more feedback and I need to discuss the responses I'm getting from her, but I think Wyxling doesn't always need handling in the same way.

Today we got a picture of Bladelet through the post laminated for her to have. It's the same one we have which she wanted but of course I couldn't let her have because I only have the one and it's not electronic. Why do I only have one photo less than two weeks before panel, yet again, when everyone else seems to have loads and get new ones all the time? She was really pleased, and has been wandering round kissing and cuddling it, then later blowing raspberries on his tummy. She really can be _absolutely_ adorable at times.


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## Handstitchedmum

Hi Wyxie,

One thing I learned during my psychoanalytical training was that once you learn how to observe, you start to see the cracks in everything. Once you see the cracks in everything, you need to learn what cracks are worth fixing and what cracks form part of the design.

What I mean is: all of us have cracks. Birth children have attachment problems, too. The odds are, they also have the physiological resilience to cope with the cracks or the flexibility to show other, less cracked sides. 

You say you are becoming impatient and frustrated. i wonder if you are taking on more than you should (feeling emotionally responsible for these children). I also wonder what would happen if you were less hyper vigilant and more accepting of cracks? This isn't advice; I'm merely pointing out there are choices and all choices come with consequences. You are a highly intelligent person, and your observation skills will be an excellent ally. But the next level of that skill is learning how to accept and live with cracks... Aka not let cracks stop you or Wyxling engage with the world.  This will become more important when Wyxling is older (think 5-7) as that is when she will really take on more obsessive, controlling, self-doubting personas. Sometimes, we become so focused on the cracks that we forget what we are modelling. And that is what a child as young as Wyxling is really learning. You.


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## Wyxie

Thanks for your reply. I think you're absolutely right about modelling by example, and it's something that's been said to us previously. I do my absolute best to set a good example for Wyxling and most of the time I do OK, but sometimes when I don't do OK I can really screw up. I try to hide my agitation and make the most of our time together, enjoy time with her while she's still a baby rather than just trying to fix everything, and sometimes it works well. Sometimes it is quite simply impossible for either of us to enjoy our time together, so I try and fake it. Mostly it works OK, but when it doesn't I can really lose it - not screaming and shouting, at least only very rarely, just get very upset. I try to give myself an outlet on her mega controlling days, which are what I find harder than the actual outbursts, and normally have a sneaky cry in the shower in the morning, and again when she goes to sleep. I need an outlet for my frustration, and I swim, mostly, to try and get rid of some of it, but me going out swimming can make her a lot more controlling because it's the only time I regularly leave her with someone else (my husband, three times a week) and she doesn't like it one bit and likes to let me know.

The thing I find the hardest to deal with is the constant, and I really do mean constant, low level testing that she won't let me ignore, without ignoring her completely, and that's not a good thing to do of course for an adopted child. If she does not have my absolute undivided attention _and_ me playing with her, no matter how much I engage with her and what she's doing, encourage etc, some days she will just refuse point blank to play. This is incredibly, incredibly, wearing. All she will do is mimic play, but wander round saying "Wyxling do this... Wyxling do this, Wyxling do this, Wyxling do this, fine, yeah?" on repeat until I say no, don't do that. They she does it anyway and looks at me, so I tell her not to do it again. Then she moves onto the next thing she's not meant to do, doesn't really want to do, just wants to show me she's doing what she's not meant to do, and does that again. If I ignore what she's saying she will repeat an infinitum, and/or escalate. It's just little things that would be totally normal if she were doing them in play, if you see what I mean, but on these days nothing is play, everything is control. Play is control, making Mummy play is control, making Mummy see that Mummy can't control her is her only game, and it makes her and me thoroughly miserable. I try and try and try to stay light, distract, tempt her to do other things, praise every little thing that could possibly be considered good, but unless I'm sitting down and actively playing with her there is absolutely no chance at all. It is exhausting. When we sit down and play I try to get her to engage in fun things but she will completely dictate play and if I won't go along with that, she just sulks constantly and starts doing things like spinning, throwing herself around etc that she _knows_ make her feel agitated and push her into a bad place where there is simply no connection between us at all.

It's incredibly hard not to just scream at her, why can't you just play, and have fun, but of course I don't, I just keep trying to distract, and getting pushed back and pushed away. All I feel like doing is walking away when she's playing like that, but then we're back to the testing. Not every day is like that, but there's always at least an element of that. Being outside is much better, being at play group often is, but that's become a challenge because I dare to talk to other Mums, and she has a set routine there and somehow no matter how much I refuse to react badly to it, she _knows_ she's pushing buttons, and just keeps doing it, and looking at me, and doing it, and looking at me, and then telling me what she's doing. When she will play properly, play _with_ me, not just try to play me and control me, she enjoys herself and we have so much fun together. When she will consent to play on her own, she can actually play on her own really well and enjoys that. I stay near of course, in sight, and dip in and out of what she's doing, but most days that is simply not enough. I have a lot more luck getting her to do it outside.

Part of the problem, or so people think, is that she's been used to be constantly entertained, either by an adult, TV, or her sibling in foster care. Most professionals seem to think that another child will help her to play independently of me, but I'm honestly not convinced, I think we'll get a mix of responses. I just try and balance my time, sometimes we play together, sometimes however badly it works or not she needs to be doing something that I'm not involved with hands on.

Basically I think what I'm saying is the cracks are stopping her from being at all happy a lot of the time, and so I just keep going, and stay calm, as much as I can, and make the most of the good days. I struggle to keep perspective on the bad days though, and today has been a pretty rough bad day. It becomes all consuming and I struggle to feel like it's not always this fight, which I don't want, and try not to engage with, but somehow she will always find something that will force me to.


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## Handstitchedmum

As an outsider, I can see how complex and chaotic Wyxling is presenting to you, and, like a great mum, you are trying your best to take it in, make sense of it, and steer Wyxling towards stability (and sensibility?). I feel a sense of pride as well as disappointment in your words, and a heck a lot of fear. I wonder how you both cope with that fear. You mentioned Wyxling's controlling behaviours. But what about you? How did you learn to be ok with being afraid and not in control? 

I know you are doing the best for Wyxling and she really could not possibly be in a better place than with you. I empathise a lot with your experience of her and also your reaction. She needs to learn new strategies, and she is so, so young still.  Have you tried being frustrated with her? By that, I don't mean taking out your frustration on her, I mean... When you are feeling frustrated, try and see if it is because Wyxling was, first. Much of our emotions come to us from others (in our present or past).

I am no expert, but in your shoes, I imagine the best you can do to make sense of chaos is to hold it up to different emotions and see which one fits. 

And please know, you are doing your best and it is more than enough. You are able to do so much for Wyxling, and you deserve to feel great about yourself and happy for each other, even when it is very hard. There is so much to admire about you. And when Wyxling is older, she most definitely will show you that.


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## Wyxie

I hope she will. I think a lot of the issue at the moment is that while it's just low level most of the time, I simply don't get a break, and at the moment it really wouldn't be a good idea. Being frustrated with Wyxling doesn't work well at all, because she's aiming to be difficult, so the calmer I can stay with her, the better we do. Occasionally I do raise my voice to her, I do have a stern I am now really telling you off voice, but that's saved for what I class as normal toddler naughtiness (like her refusal to stay in bed tonight) not for behaviours she really doesn't seem able to help. She just can't help fighting for control, and when she's like that she simply can't help fighting being looked after when she gets agitated. It's not a choice, it's the reaction of a scared baby, and so I have to respond accordingly. On an up note, the telling off voice now does actually work on her in the situations I need it to. I think there are times when you absolutely have to be able to stop your child in their tracks if they do something dangerous, and I can. That's took quite a while to get!

We've been at the in-laws for the weekend, which has been stressful. Although I'd spoken to them before hand about stepping back and letting us do all the nurture stuff, sending Wyxling to us for cuddles/kisses etc, and trying to reinforce to her that we were the ones who would meet her needs, they didn't seem that phased. On Friday evening we got down and put Wyxling straight into bed, and I talked to M-I-L again and she just brushed it off and said well, she's never been that cuddly. This isn't really true, she can be very cuddly with M-I-L and M-I-L is with her. She's really physical with her all the time and always steps in to pick her up, hold her hand etc etc when we're doing things. On Saturday when she was trying to have a cuddle with M-I-L she was just going to let her, and my husband had to intercept and put her on his lap, which he did manage to do fairly smoothly without Wyxling noticing anything amiss luckily.

M-I-L is very upset, which is understandable, but her reaction isn't. She understands the reasoning but doesn't accept it's right, thinks it's all or mostly coming from me not professionals. To be fair, it _should_ have come from me in the past because I really have thought for some time this was the way to go, but my husband wouldn't do it on my hunch, as he didn't want to upset his parents, but it isn't coming from me. It's coming from professionals and they asked me about her relationship with others having witnessed her interacting with me. They felt it was likely to be an issue, as it goes hand in hand with the sort of attachment problems she is exhibiting.

M-I-L just doesn't _want_ this to be the right thing to do, because she's always got the best of Wyxling. I don't understand that she can't see how there's something badly wrong with a child pushing their parents away and refusing to go to them for anything or do anything they ask her to, in preference of her Grandmas, and then having days at best of her fighting after their visits. She does all the nice things and doesn't want to see the turmoil it causes for Wyxling, or how much this is putting her back after every visit. I honestly don't think we'll get her to willingly send her to us for cuddles, so it felt very much like we were carefully keeping Wyxling away from situations where it would crop up. It's been a difficult weekend. I am upset that I think this is going to seriously damage my relationship with my M-I-L who has done a great deal for us in many ways, and who I do care for, but very frustrated that she simply can't accept the importance of trying to help Wyxling form a secure attachment with us, and that she's putting her own needs about her Granddaughter's and her son's.

I'm really worried about her coming up for the introductions and trying to get her to give us willing cooperation with this, plus the extra level of anxiety and tension in the house. This weekend has been difficult, and quite clearly, as far as M-I-L is concerned, I am the bad person. I think she also feels a lot of the problems we have are down to my parenting, as she doesn't experience the same problems. 

I think part of the problem is that while I know why it is important we help Wyxling to form a secure attachment to us, it's hard to explain the reasons. I try to explain that she needs to understand that we will meet all her needs and that it's OK to look to us to look after her forever. The desire to control all other adults and keep them on side, and of course Grandma's are generally much more easily controllable because they only have to be for a short period of time, is a defence mechanism and M-I-L isn't helping by doing what really, at this stage, should be our role. It shouldn't be this far into placement, but no-one including my husband listened to me at the start when I said they shouldn't be doing a lot of the things they were then and of course now it's much harder for them to step back. I am due to speak to someone tomorrow and need to ask her for a good way to explain this.

I know she loves my daughter very much, but she just seems blind to this. She appears to have decided that Wyxling is fine, because she's OK with her, and therefore this whole attachment business is nothing much to worry about. Just Arrrgg. I'm very frustrated and upset, but mostly disappointed. They've always said they'd do anything to help us, but that seems to be being stretched at the moment.

She's also clearly unhappy that I just asked her about her security settings on ******** because she posted some pictures of Wyxling.

I know SS blather on about support network etc etc and a lot of it is rubbish, but M-I-L is one of the people that I am closest to, and I feel like at the moment, that support is gone. I do tend to just ignore stuff from her when she's being opinionated that I might question in other people to keep her happy. She's raised four kids, been a teacher, and generally does know a lot about kids, but not ours, and I do.


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## gettina

No advice whatsoever as this is seriously tricky. Just wanted to say sorry and I hope she comes/can be brought round. 
X


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## Mummy DIY Diva

This may not be what you and DH want to hear but this is my honest opinion and I feel you appreciate honesty even if you don't agree with the things being said. ( I take no offence if people don't think I'm right so feel free to ignore me.) 

In my experience (sorry to generalize) girls who are close to their mothers have fairly up front and blunt relationships with them. My Mum is amazing and has literally never made a selfish decision from the day she had us. However sometimes she (with best intention) makes mistakes or does something that hurts me. I tell her we discuss it and move forward. I tell her bluntly and quickly because she is my Mum and one of the only people I know loves me regardless I have no fear being honest in this way with her. 

However sons tend to pussy foot about their Mums and avoid any kind of conflict or difficult conversations with them. Well my DH and most of my friends are definitely this way. This is not your conversation to have. DH needs to have it with his Mum. I think the reason he didn't do this at the start is not because he thought you were wrong but because he didn't want to have conflict with his Mum. 

He needs to focus on what your children need and tell his Mum what she needs to do. The other side effect of DH doing it is she is more likely to see it as serious because he has deemed it worth potential conflict with her over. 

I have had a number of tough conversations with my DH over time (on going still) about his Mum and what our Lo's and I will NEED him to do. These used to cause arguments but he is starting to see it from my view and accepting that he needs to do this. However my situation is easier to work with in many ways my MIL character makes conflicts easy to predict in advance as did her reactions to us telling her we are looking into adoption. When MIL is supportive, loving and involved it is a lot harder.   . However my opinion remains the same it is not fair that you are being the bad guy all the time. It is very easy to accept things from  your child rather than your child in law. DH needs to take the reigns and resolve this . Good luck x x


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## Wyxie

Gwynyth, thanks for your post, and no I don't take offence.  When one posts about one's life on the internet I think one has to accept that people will offer suggestions, advice and/or criticism, and I don't take offence at that.

I think in general you're right that hubby needs to stand up more to his Mum, but actually on this occasion, he is doing his best.  He was the one who sat down and talked to her at the weekend, but he is my M-I-L's golden boy, her oldest son, and the one who always done what his parents hoped he would do, mostly, albeit because it tied in with what he wanted to do.  She seems to have therefore convinced herself that I am the root of the problem, and he is just being the messenger.  I have the meetings with the psychologists and therapists, because hubby is at work, so he is relaying my conversations with them, to his parents.  I think therefore I need to talk to my M-I-L.  I've had a chat with one of the people we're working with today, and she's suggested how I may explain things better, which is appreciated.  I will give her a call tonight.  She's just very upset at the moment.  I'm trying not to be annoyed with her, because I understand it's really difficult for her, but I wish she would give more thought to how difficult it is for us and Wyxling as well.


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## Wyxie

I think it is fair to say that the conversation I just had with my M-I-L did not help.  She's really upset with us and they clearly think we're being really extreme about things and that it's not necessary.  They simply don't see the harm in a bit of a snuggle on the sofa if we're there too etc.  They are also convincing themselves that M-I-L has never been really cuddly with Wyxling, which is just not right.  She's incredibly maternal with her, and there have been lots of occasions when they've snuggled up on the sofa/cuddled etc, picking her up, holding hands etc.  They also think that this change will be really hard for Wyxling, and that she will feel rejected.  We are trying to explain that she doesn't need to feel rejected if they can refer her back to us in a very positive way.  We've had advice as to how this can best be done, which we've relayed to them.

I haven't told them, but this is the first time ever we've had a long visit with either Granny, and had absolutely no problems afterwards.  That's pretty anecdotal evidence, and I certainly wouldn't draw any conclusions based on one visit, but Wyxling is not stressed out at all today, and no kick offs etc.

I am resigning myself to the fact that there is simply nothing we can do to change their minds.  It really wouldn't matter what we said, they have clearly convinced themselves and each other that they are right, and we are wrong.

M-I-L is really upset and offended with us, and definitely not on board with the whole idea, and I have no idea what we're going to do about the introductions with Bladelet.  M-I-L is meant to be looking after Wyxling for 2-3 days at the start of the introductions.  We need to find a way to talk to them about this, but no idea how.  Hubby thinks we will have to do it later this week... when they're up for the Celebration Hearing.  Timing.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Oh crikey, that doesn't help does it, with all the stress at the moment the last thing you need is your family being selfish.  Whatever your reasons, and whether MIL agrees with them or not is really irrelevant, Wyxling is your daughter so how she is treated is ultimately your decision.    They are going to have to suck it up... Sounds harsh doesn't it, sorry, but I get very annoyed when people make things about them when actually it is totally not about them...  

Hope you can work things out xx


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## Dudders

Firstly just to say I've been nosing along with your story for a while now and it is a privelege to share this journey with you.  You are clearly doing an amazing job with Wyxling and even if it isn't clear to you every day you are a fantastic mother and your daughter is who she is now because of you - and in time she will be even more settled and happy BECAUSE OF YOU!

I think if intros weren''t around the corner it would be easier to step back from your MIL until this settles rather than it becoming a little battleground.  I wonder, particularly as they are coming along later in the week, is there any way they can speak to one of the therapists that is recommending this path - some people just won't listen unless it comes from a professional  

The only other thing I can think of is to try writing it down for them - you are a wonderful wordsmith and for me when I've read the reasoning behind your request, to me it's a no brainer!  Of course it's certainly easier to be objective from the outside looking in, but if you write it down it means you can review it several times before giving it to them so that you get everything you want to say in which as we all know isn't so easy in a conversation.  It also means that they can read it several times and digest it.

I hope things become clearer for your MIL soon and please don't lose sight of the fact that you know you're doing what's best for your daughter, and your MIL will get over it eventually.


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## Wyxie

Hi Dudders, thank you for your comments. I had wondered about seeing if one of the team involved with Wyxling would consider speaking to M-I-L, perhaps on the telephone. With most people, I would write things down, because I am aware that I am often much better at conveying things in writing, but my husband thinks that may make things much worse with his Mum. She is a very intelligent woman, and she isn't used to be significantly questioned, and I think it unlikely she would admit she was wrong about something that was important to her. But mostly, I don't think there's anything we can say because while her arguments are all quite logical, she isn't approaching this from a logical point of view, she's reacting emotionally, and M-I-L and F-I-L seem to be reinforcing each other's opinions. Having talked to my husband today I think given we have no chance of convincing her what we are doing is the right thing, the best we can hope for is that they will accept that it is an over-reaction by professionals whose advice we are blindly following, and not an overreaction by us. I think it would be helpful for her to talk to someone involved but I'm not sure if that's something I can request. I suspect that I could do given the impact it could have on the placement of Bladelet and the introduction period.

AuntieKatie, while it's tempting to say she's our daughter, like it or lump it, and to be honest if it was anyone else, including and perhaps especially my parents, that's the attitude I would take, I'm incredibly conscious or how much my M-I-L has done for us over the last few years and how close my husband has always been to his parents. That is a relationship which is really important to him. She has been there for us a way that our parents never were throughout the time we've been trying to have a family, and I love her very much, which is why I'm finding this so hard. I don't want our relationship to be damaged more than is necessary by this, but at the same time, we are going to do what we've been advised to do; as you say Wyxling is our daughter, and she will always come first. I have to admit I did expect issues over this, but I didn't expect the reaction we've had. I know she loves Wyxling very, very much, and I want Wyxling to have a good relationship with her Grandparents and the rest of her extended family, but I _need_ to do everything I can to help her overcome the attachment issues she has, because otherwise, she's very likely to have much bigger problems throughout her life.

I am going to have one more attempt at talking to M-I-L, after writing down what I think I want to say, to keep me going in the right direction, but I think the best we can hope for at the moment is damage limitation.


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## Handstitchedmum

Perhaps direct MIL to more positive changes she can make to support Wyxling attachment to you... Aka, by showing her approval of you and showing Wyxling that she too goes to you for security, love and support. Maybe the compromise is that she can cuddle Wyxling if, every time she cuddles Wyxling, she then sends Wyxling over to you afterwards for a cuddle or better yet, invites you to cuddle with them and then leaves her with you. Ideally with a supportive statement, but that may be asking for too much.

Any sensible person can see how important it is that Wyxling attaches to you. As your MIL has already done so much, this seems like a very small thing she can do which can make a huge difference for your family.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Does your MIL like to read?  Perhaps some books on attachment theory might be interesting as well as useful?  You could say 'I know I'm making things difficult and perhaps I'm not explaining things very well, but here, I've bought you some books which are really interesting and explain much better than me how important attachment is in this early stage...'  

I bought Related by Adoption but I never read it myself so I'm not sure if it covers attachment and how important it is to allow the parents to do all the main care giving. Actually, I'm not sure what happened to it, must get it moved around the family, it might have got stuck with my Aunt and Uncle after my mum read it. x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It is so difficult and I really feel for you Wyxie. I guess the route of the issue could be that once 6 months have passed the outside world just don't recognize that our version of family isn't exactly the same as theirs. MIL just has expectations of a biological Grandma and doesn't see why she should have to be any different. 

Without her spending hours reading, researching and talking to others like we do it is really hard to get her to understand why. Her perspective is likely to be - It's been a year, Wyxling is happy, Son and DIL are happy, I am happy so there is no need for this 'fuss'. (Obviously not my view.) She may also think that this is coming from you because it took so long for you to be a family you are responding to that by being overprotective and pushing her out. I.e. you just don't want Wyxling to hug or love anyone but you. Which is clearly not the case at all. However this is likely to be how she looks at the situation. Sometimes I find it helps to dissolve their view point with actions that show it to be incorrect before trying to convince them of your view point. 

I think trying to have some contact between MIL and professionals could be a good thing. Perhaps whatever contact could also happen to a few other "chosen" close family members so it doesn't feel like an attack from MIL's point of view. Good luck it is so hard to handle other peoples feelings and expectations as well as your own. x x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Also I am glad that DH is standing by you on this one they do struggle to stand up to their Mothers don't they x


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies and suggestions, I am having a good old think about what to do next.

Also, need some sleep, was up all last night worrying about this.  I do tend to struggle to sleep when I'm upset and anxious about things like this.


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## Wyxie

That sounds really difficult Gertie.  It's so hard, isn't it, to get people to understand.

M-I-L can't come to a theraplay session, the idea is that it's just for me and Wyxling to do together, and having M-I-L there would be a nightmare because Wyxling would want to do everything with her and tell her what to do.  In these sessions there are lots of fun things but she doesn't get to decide who does what.  It's all adult driven, so it all has to be on my and the therapist's terms.  Getting her cooperation can be interesting enough at the best of times!

I think it's fair to say M-I-L is not happy and finding things hard, but seems to be trying to do what we've asked.  I think part of the problem is that she didn't really listen to what we said the first time round, because she was dismissing it as advice she didn't need as she had already decided she wasn't overly cuddly with Wyxling.  We need to talk to her again and I hope once we have she'll be happier and things will work better.  She seems to have misunderstood some of what we said.  She came up for the celebration hearing yesterday and Wyxling asked her for a cuddle a couple of times and M-I-L got very upset but didn't say much and we had to step in.  Wyxling didn't seem too phased luckily as it was a hectic day, but it could get awkward.  She seems to feel we want her to push Wyxling away somehow which isn't the case and anyway would definitely not be helpful as that would just feel like rejection and be very bad for her.  It's definitely not the message we're trying to get across.

It's fine for others to say yes, she's cuddly, and it's lovely to want cuddles, but it's Mummy and Daddy who will always take care of her and Mummy and Daddy who will always have cuddles for her.  It's fine to be friendly and have fun with her, but just with a certain physical restraint, much as I'm sure she would have displayed with children she's taught in the past.  We want Wyxling to think that people love her, she has some quite bad self-esteem problems for a child so young and it's a good thing for her to know that people who meet her like her and that she can have fun with them and make them smile.  But, as far as adults are concerned, we're the ones who will always be her parents and she needs to accept that before she can start to form proper relationships with other adults.  She also seemed to miss what we were saying in that it's not just cuddling, that's only a small part of it, it's doing the main carer's roles in a way that's really totally normal for a Granny baby sitting, which isn't right for Wyxling, because she needs to understand there are certain things we will always be there to do for her, and accept us doing them.  We need to avoid other people cuddling, caring and feeding, especially feeding treats, playing little hand games that involve a lot of contact, all this sort of thing we've worked really hard for and she still won't do with us sometimes, and we need her to accept it.  Food is a big one for Wyxling and we are gradually getting some very positive responses to do with food from her, but also we use food as a bonding tool.  When we have treats in our house we sit together, either in her chair and I'll cuddle her, or on my or my husband's lap, and feed each other.  

Anyway, it's all a bit of a mess and I'm pretty certain she'll be out of sorts for a while, but I hope she will feel a little better once we've had a chat with her again.  On the other hand, it could just end up with her getting upset and annoyed with us again.  Either way, we'll just have to cope.

The Celebration Hearing yesterday, despite the family tension, was really nice.  Wyxling coped as well as we could have expected her to in the circumstances - big new place, very busy, lots of people, new settings, delayed meals and naps - and actually seemed to deal with it quite well.  Even though we've had the Adoption Order for over a month, it still felt good to go to Court and do the "final bit" so to speak.  Wyxling doesn't have to have anything more to do with her SW and seems to be forgetting about him (he didn't go to Court yesterday at our request so she hasn't seen him for a couple of months now).  The Judge was great with Wyxling, didn't try to involve her directly for quite a while to let her potter round with me and explore all the toys and get a bit more comfortable.  He got it just right with her and she even spoke to him - a very rare thing for Wyxling meeting a man in a new place for the first time.  She was devastatingly charming, just the right mix of shy and cheeky to wrap a Circuit Judge not exactly renowned for his cuddly soft side right round her little finger.

We went for ice cream afterwards and me, hubby and Wyxling shared so we all got to try lots of different flavours and Wyxling was as snuggly as a Wyxling gets and very happy.  It would have been nicer if the sun had shone, or at least if it hadn't chucked it down all day, as Wyxling is always happier outside playing than indoors, but I let her spend a lot longer than she normally gets to on the xbox, raced fast cars, played rockband and let her wack the hell out of my drum kit and various other bits and bobs and had a lovely day.  We got her a lovely bracelet which was engraved, and both sets of Grandparents got her a nice necklace. 

I think it was really good for Wyxling to have a day that was all about her, so close to her brother hopefully coming to us.  It seemed to do her good.

She's been quite agitated at times today, but we've had a reasonably good day, and no kick offs.  It's a bit of a pain that it's half term this week as most of our normal local toddler stuff we do every week is cancelled, because in times of disruption that normally really calms her, but I took her swimming this afternoon instead.  We go almost every week, but normally at the weekends with my husband when it's very busy and the pool is full of toys all of which she wants.  It was lovely and quiet, just a few other kids there who she was fairly sociable with, and we played lots of games and we did loads of jumping/throwing the baby in the air/flying and generally mucking around.  I'm trying to slowly teach her to swim, she can almost do it, she's completely fearless in the water, but is just a bit stubborn about letting me show her how.

We've got a bit of a mental weekend coming up sorting out Bladelet's room as I would like to include a photo of it in the photo album we're doing for him, and we really want the weekend after just for us as, holy sh*t, that should be the last one before intros start.

Bloody hell.


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## Handstitchedmum

I'm glad the hearing went well and you had a chance to celebrate being a family.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad the judge was lovely. Good luck sorting out the room x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Lovely to read about the celebration hearing, it sounds a fabulous day and one that Wyxling took in her stride.  She sounds to have coped very well with the change of routine and I imagine it is a day to remember always.  Photos sound brilliant  

So sorry to read about the difficulties with MIL, it sounds extremely awkward and a worry you really don't need as this time.  I hope she begins to understand why you have asked her to act a certain way, and respect you as Wyxling's parents, you do know best!  This isn't to say it won't be hard for any grandparent, she will just want to love her and show it.  Hopefully one day she can, but until then she needs to follow clear boundaries.  Goodness, I really feel for you and hope all settles soon.

Good luck with your busy weekend


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## Wyxie

So, overall, a really good week with Wyxling.  I'm getting some upsetting resistance at bedtime, followed by distress, then cuddles, then finally sleep (god it's long winded but I'm going with it atm as everything else is so good just now) but everything is so very much going the right way at the moment it's been an awesome and enjoyable week.

But what I really had to share today, is the photo album we're putting together for Bladelet.  We've got the Tomy talking photo album, and have been finding the "right" photos and deciding what to put in it.  But of course it's lying around and Wyxing wants it because it's brightly coloured (she didn't know it made noises) and was having a bit of a sulk about it not being hers.  

Now when it's picked up and opened my husband's voice says "Wyxling, it's not yours"  "Wyxling, put it down".  After she got over the shock and worked out what was going on she was massively tickled and has been opening it loads.  Then agreed it's not hers and helped me find some photos and wants to record a message for Bladelet.  

She's so contrary at times, but at least she's got a bloody good sense of humour!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

That's really funny bet it gave her a right shock x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

That is hilarious!!!  What a great sense of humour you all have!  I just love your funnies


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## Wyxie

What a beautiful day we've had today.  

We have a water play area at our local park and I took Wyxling this morning.  We got there about 45 minutes before anyone dared to venture in (it was sunny, but the water is bloody cold, and it was also quite windy) and had a great time with the place all to ourselves.  When we started to turn blue we wrapped up in towels and went for a hot chocolate and an ice cream and a snuggle to try and warm up.  We played on the swings - one of the few things that seems to keep her very calm and relaxed and we can chat without her fiddling, picking and fidgeting.  She went on the climbing frames, slides, roundabout, threw more stones in the stream than I can count, and managed to find a stick that was at least three times as tall as Wyxling, which I inevitably ended up dragging around.  I made her a necklace from a daisy chain which she thought was brilliant.  She split both lips in two unrelated incidents and scraped all up one of her shins on the gravel, had a cry and a cuddle and recovered, and got herself and her dress completely filthy.  She kept running up and giving me a little cuddle and a kiss and running off again smiling.  We felt normal, really really normal.

Bedtime was wobbly, she still getting herself into a massively agitated state and making it really hard work, but that's to worry about tomorrow.  

I find it helps to remind myself about the good day, when I inevitably end up crying after I've put her to bed.  I just struggle so much with bedtimes being hard, but for most of today we were both happy, and relaxed.

We're also both knackered, she's not stopped and I've done a tonne of cleaning on top of everything else while she napped and then while she played quite happily for a bit this afternoon - an achievement in itself - and I'm really hoping for a good night's sleep and a nice morning before Granny gets here tomorrow lunch time.

I'm tired, and worrying about Bladelet and the introductions.  I think panicking may be closer.  I just can't bring another child home in the same sort of situation we had with Wyxling.  I think I would feel a lot better if we were having more (any) contact with the foster carer.  Have asked for an update on Bladelet via our SW, and to be able to get in touch with the foster carer before intros start.

Tired, sleep needed.  Please give us a lie in again tomorrow Wyxling, Mummy loves you very much, especially when the day starts at 7:00am not 5:30am!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Wonderful, what a lovely day!  Great to read how lovely things have been.

There is just no way that things can be the same as before, what happened was just such a terrible situation for everyone.  I really hope once you step into FC's house and meet Bladelet all your fears will subside and you will truly enjoy it xxx


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## Wyxie

Yes, we have a son, introductions start 14th, current planned move date is 21st.

Just got home, hubby has gone back to work and I can't stop crying.  Wyxling due home any minute so need to get myself together quickly!


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## Dudders

Yay well done!  Bladelet will be home in a flash xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Amazing news not surprised you're overwhelmed x    x


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## Handstitchedmum

Ooh, such huge news! I am glad things are becoming more secure.


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## Sq9

Congratulations wyxie     xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh brilliant news, congratulations to you and your family.  We are all so happy for you!!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay congratulations xxxxxxx


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## gettina

Congratulations and good luck wyxie x


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## Wyxie

Firstly, thank you everyone for your good wishes.

It feels like a long time since Thursday. 

Panel wasn't hard, as such, just draining, in fact I think the last few weeks have been draining as I tend to stress and worry quite a lot.  As soon as we went in to panel and gauged the mood and the questions we were being asked, strangely over-confident though it may sound, I knew that we'd get the match approved.  I am just fortunate in that this is the sort of situation I am very good in.  I may lack people skills, or possibly I just don't put in enough effort if I'm honest, in social situations at times, but I do interviews and meetings very well, particularly when backed up by a certain amount of conviction in what I am saying.  

It was, however, an incredibly emotional experience.  In part because talking about Wyxling and the changes over the last year isn't normally possible, and that in itself brought out a huge range of emotions.  Also in part because of the realisation that we really are going to have our baby, which we thought was almost a given this time last year, then it all looked very uncertain, lots of delay and we're not having the little baby we thought we would be, and I've been cautious about really throwing myself into things again until I knew it was definitely happening.  Of course there is a whole host of emotions surrounding that.  Also, I think, because it feels like "the end is in sight".  I have hated the intrusion of Social Services into our lives, loathed it at times.  At one point we thought we may do this again further down the road, that maybe in another seven or eight years when our children were settled in school and there would be a big age gap, we might look at having a slightly older child placed, but really, truly, I am sick of Social Services.  Although we have been fortunate in that our Social Worker has been brilliant, I just want control back again of who I have to speak to and what that person may know about me.  I don't ever want to be in a situation again where I have to let people make tactless and flippant remarks about my personal life which I have no choice but to tolerate and smile politely about, because having a family depends on it.  I don't want there to be anyone to whom I cannot say, I'm sorry, but that is private, and it's none of your business.

Having said that both our second panels, approval and matching, have been very positive experiences, and panel have been very positive about us and Wyxling.  I cannot help but feel proud that this stern bunch of people recognise that we are giving our children our best, in every way we can.

Wyxling is doing very well at the moment, relatively of course.  There are problems, as usual, but I am frequently seeing a happy little girl, playing, learning, smiling, and I feel like I have strategies for dealing with most of them, even if some are long term ones and I don't expect quick results, actually progress is steady and very noticeable.

I'm hopeful for the introductions from Bladelet's point of view, and worried like hell about leaving Wyxling with my M-I-L for a couple of days at the start.  She will be with us for most of the intros but can't go to the life appreciation day or the first meeting, and I don't think she should go to the first meeting, it will be better for Bladelet if it's just us.  

I'm concerned about how isolated I'm going to be.  I won't be able to see as much of other local Mums I've come to know through having Wyxling here when Bladelet is first placed, and relations with family are tense at best, in the case of mine, and frosty, in the case of my in-laws.  They're doing OK with my husband, but my M-I-L has been like ice on the phone to me the last couple of times we've spoken.  I'm incredibly disappointed, which I don't want to be, but I am.  I'm also quite hurt.  I don't trust people easily, but I have come to care a great deal for both my husband's parents, and they have been friends as well as family.  I miss this, but it's definitely not there at the moment.  I told my husband this, and I thought he'd have a go, not sure why I said it to be honest, but he agreed.  Everyone has been very happy to share in the very charming little girl they've had contact with for the last year, knowing full well how hard visits were for her and us.  All everyone has said is that if there's anything they can do, we only have to ask.  Now we're asking them to share in the difficulties as well, things are not so rosy.  Actually, as well as disappointed, I'm angry.  I have put everything, really, everything into my daughter for the last 12 months, I feel like I've had to be a parent, and a therapist, and a psychologist and got knows how many other things all at once, and deal with a huge amount of patronising comments from family who are only starting to realise how hard things can be at times, and then only around the edges.  I don't begrudge Wyxling anything at all, she is wonderful, brilliant, lovely, and has been terrified and scared and still is in a lot of ways.  She's my daughter and I love her more than anything else and she deserves everything I can possibly give her.  

But it annoys me a huge amount that now I'm asking for something we really need from family, which our daughter really needs, they're all hurt and upset because they're having to step back and it's hard.  I know it's hard, and what we're asking is upsetting, but it's nowhere near as hard as being Wyxling's Mum 24/7 has been at times in the last 12 months all the while they've swanned in and out, had great time with her that I have worked incredibly hard to get occasionally, and at times not at all, and then left her agitated, confused, and fighting like hell once they're gone.  That's not their fault of course, but it has to change, and the attitude that she just needs to "break through the pain barrier" (M-I-L's words) in terms of the distress caused by visits is not one that is ever going to work for any child, and it's not one we're going to try with mine.  She needs to be settled and learn that we're not going anywhere, and she's going to, even if it means she doesn't see much of family for a while.  I feel incredibly defensive saying that even here, because I do know that M-I-L in particular has done a huge amount for us and often come a long way to help out at short notice with SW visits etc, but Wyxling, and Bladelet when he's here, will always come first for me even if that means p*ssing off family and being seen as ungrateful.  

But, back on track, we've had a really good few days with Wyxling, not perfect and I'm aware of the issues, but lots of time where we're relaxing together as a family.  We really lacked that for a long time, even when things started to get better with Wyxling, it was often very tense.  There was always the awareness that we were never far away from a complete reversal in mood and things going out the window and it left both hubby and I treading on eggshells.  I was very aware that hubby was not enjoying his time at home with us, and that was really hard.  I guess as a stay at home Mum with a difficult child, having a husband who didn't really look forward to getting home in the evening, and good god it showed at times, was difficult.  We seem to have got away from that, hubby enjoys his time with Wyxling, we're feeling like a family, one with difficulties of course, but nevertheless a family.  Being able to relax in one's own home is something necessary, I think, or stress levels just keep rising and rising until you explode.  The last few weeks have just been quite relaxed.  I hope we're not completely crackers for throwing a spanner in the works when things are just finally starting to calm.  I have to believe it will not take as long this time to get things feeling "normal" again, but I'm pretty sure we're in for an interesting month or two!

So, plans for the week include very normal routine based stuff with Wyxling for 3 days, and then errk, panic, and hope for the best.  

I can't wait to meet Bladelet now.  Everything I've heard from his f/c just makes me long to meet him.

Ramble ramble.


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## Handstitchedmum

Gosh, Wyxie, reading your posts always feels like I'm looking in the mirror. Or in the not so distant future. I feel a mix of excitement (to read about someone like me) and sadness (because I know how it feels to be me). I hope me saying that doesn't creep you out; I just wanted to comment that I empathise with the range of emotions you are feeling about yourself and your relationships.  

It is heart-breaking that your in-laws aren't far enough in their emotional journeys to be there for you. I know that understanding why they are icy doesn't and won't change the loss you feel. 

Bladelet joining the family will go a long way towards covering that loss. I have a good feeling about this new addition. Kinda feels like the intensity will be spread out a bit?  Certainly Wyxling will have the opportunity to learn more ways of coping with (hopefully a more manageable) loss? My fingers are crossed that you all get time and space to breathe and recover, amidst the challenges. You are doing a fantastic job. Can't wait to hear how you all bond with Bladelet.


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## Wyxie

No, I don't think that's creepy.

It's odd, but I have said on a number of occasions the relationship with Wyxling is too intense for both of us at times.  Recently I've felt this to be less the case, but it's still true at times.  I'm worried about Wyxling more today.  She's been less happy than usual for recently, she's worrying.  Somewhat oddly for a not happy Wyxling she's not been kicking off, just a few wobbles relatively easily calmed, but most of the morning she wasn't happy.  We went to meet Daddy from work and I ended up carrying her for what felt like miles, and she was very snuggly.  Going to have an us day tomorrow. 

I am feeling guilty.

I am also incapable of dealing with my typing speed on my phone.  Frustration.


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## Wyxie

I am exhausted after complete very physical hour and a half long Wyxling meltdown earlier today, I don't think I've ever seen her that upset before.  On an up note she wasn't actually trying to hurt me, she was just trying to fight away from me having decided she wasn't having her nappy on, but I am aching all over from keeping her safely contained while she raged for so long, and it was awful seeing her that upset.  In retrospect, we needed it in a way, she's been going downhill and very unhappy the last few days and getting very agitated, I think because the reality of Bladelet coming has hit, she now has a timescale she can comprehend.  I've managed to keep things pretty stable using some very helpful ways of getting her to regulate and bring her down which we've been working on recently, but it's been hard to keep her distracted and get some happy time and I think she was bound to bubble over at some point.  We have however been much calmer for the rest of the day and had a really nice afternoon playing and just pottering around the house, a big bubble bath together, and a significantly better than average bedtime, probably helped by her being exhausted.  I think *touch wood* we should be able to get a nice day together tomorrow before we have my M-I-L arrive to cover for life appreciation day on Thursday and our first meeting with Bladelet on Friday.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So many emotions for a little mind. Hopefully she will remain happier and calmer now she has physically got her feelings out. Good luck with Thursday and Friday hope MIL is supportive and less upset this week x x x


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## Wyxie

It is just too much for her and the uncertainty is really hard.  I keep telling myself that the reality will be harder for a short while, but then the routine will kick in and the predictability and things she will like about a sibling will outweigh the bad.  I just hope I'm right!

Calm will be a struggle for Wyxling for some time I think, so does everyone.  Trying to help her to learn to regulate herself is tough, I just wish we had been doing it for longer but honestly, we had no idea how to deal with her agitation, which we couldn't even explain to most people for so long.  We're told it's something that can only be achieved over quite a long period of time.  Having said that, it feels like we can in the short term help to bring her down in most situation, but yes, today's blow up was overdue and needed, but also awful.  Nothing like seeing a child having a tantrum, impossible to explain.  But then the afternoon we had was wonderful.  The one isn't worth the other, but it's also needed, so it kind of is, but we really don't want it to happen very often.

But, we did so many great things this afternoon, that I wish we could have done sooner, we are in general at the moment achieving things.  She is, in a small way, starting to cooperate with me helping her pronounce words.  She has absolutely refused for 12 months.  Any "can you say..." or similar is met by a sulky look and a "no".  Today we sat down with her abc book and she tried to say all the letters, admitted to actually knowing at least half of them, an achievement in itself with Wyxling, and tried to pronounce some words properly that she usually says wrong; in general, the longer she has known how to say something, the worse the pronunciation, because she refuses to alter how she says a word just because we try and get her to.  Not only did she do it, but she enjoyed it, she was really, really happy because she was learning.  I love this about Wyxling.  When I can get her to let me teach her stuff, she loves it.  It's one of the things I always looked forward to so much, and I wasn't sure our children would really have that enjoyment from learning, but she absolutely does, when I can get past the stubborn!

I'm having a period of fuming again at Wyxling's SW.  The help we are currently receiving is about 4-5 months late, because that's how long it took him after he said he'd made the referral we needed, to actually make it.  If we'd been having this for months, we could have been so much further on right now.  I absolutely loathe the man, even thinking about him makes me furious.  I want to write a formal letter of complaint after we've had Bladelet placed, but even thinking about it makes me so angry and upset and I need to put enough thought into it to make a sensible and structured complaint.  If we're going to do it, the worst thing to do would be to do it badly.


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## gettina

God that sounds such a long time for her to be at full pelt upset and v awful for you all. As you say, major unsettled behaviours is totally to be expected though so at least you know the basics of what's behind it, even if not exactly what she's feeling.

I agree with your gut feel fwiw, that it might be really tough for a while but having a little brother will be good for her and enjoyable. 

Good luck wyxie.
Xxx


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## Wyxie

Today while taking Wyxling to theraplay, we bumped into her SW.  He has massively unsettled her every time he's seen her since placement, not technically his fault even though he is an a&&hole, although it does defy belief that he doesn't understand why she might find seeing him unsettling.  It's been nearly 3 months since she's seen him and we have the AO so I'd told her we wouldn't see him again a while ago.  He didn't say anything to her at all, not even hello, and did a quick hi to me and then bolted, probably because he didn't want to be hassled about outstanding work for Wyxling, although I wouldn't do that in front of Wyxling.  Clearly we didn't want him hanging around, but having seen him, a hello at least and I hope you're well now you're with your forever Mummy and Daddy, or something, brief, would have been nice.  She was very upset, confused and it didn't really do much for the day.

I've also been told he will be at Bladelet's life appreciation day tomorrow, although he's not his SW.  I just don't want to see him again, ever.  Just the thought of seeing him is incredibly upsetting, I really can't explain it, I am so angry and upset with him and his failures for Wyxling.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm sorry you had to see him and that he gets to go tomorrow.  Hope he doesn't put a dampener on an exciting day.  Thinking of you tomorrow hope it goes really well and Wyxling has an okay day with MIL.  Sending lots of positive vibes for you x x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Just remember that you are going to do your best to ensure he is ripped a new a&&hole as soon as you have Bladelet sorted, it might help you face him more calmly?  I can imagine the adrenaline coursing through you at seeing him, I get the same issue with people I am angry towards.  Good luck, have a wonderful day xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hope you manage to have a wonderful day tomorrow, don't let him spoil it, he isn't worth it. This about your baby boy. I hope wyxling is slightly more settled today. It must be so confusing and difficult for you both. Will all be worth it im sure, she will be a lovely big sister. But equally very hard when you have to see her distressed   I hope she and bladelet are able to become close. Will be thinking of you tomorrow


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## Sq9

you are all doing amazingly.  Tomorrow is the start of another amazing but but no doubt at times difficult and emotional chapter in your lives -try not to let the a****** get in the way of that.  Easier said than done I know xx


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## Wyxie

Wyxling's SW didn't go the life appreciation day in the end, and it was a good day.  We heard so many lovely things about our little boy from everyone whose known him during his short life.

Today started brilliantly.  Wyxling had been upset yesterday about being left, and wouldn't talk to us when we got home, then we had a big upset, and everything was OK, if very clingy and subdued.  This morning we had a great play and she very cheerfully waves us off when we left, knowing we were going to meet Bladelet.  It was such a great feeling to go and leave her smiling.

Planning meeting this morning took longer than expected, mainly because of us realising we may need a little longer than we'd initially thought.  Plan is now for a move next Friday if possible, but probably the following Monday.

Then we went to meet our little boy.  

As soon as I walked in the room and saw him I was completely bowled over.  He's absolutely beautiful.  We took a shiny helium balloon which was definitely a hit, he loved it and soon worked out how to make all sorts of interesting noises with it.  He's such a happy, cheeky, giggly little monkey, and so very much like his big sister, it was impossible not to fall in love with him.  The hour and a half we spent there just vanished in a flash.  He was playful, smiley, alert and very aware of what was going on around him, quite brave about coming to us, trying to pull himself up and very determined to try and walk around.  We got lots of beautiful smiles, and a few cuddles.  We couldn't have hoped for things to go any better.

It was very hard, especially with how much he looked like our Wyxling, not to just scoop him up and snuggle him the second we walked in.  He looked and felt like our son as soon as we saw him.  Hubby was so happy.  He loves Wyxling very much, but she was very scared of men when we met her and it was months before she would have allowed the sort of casual contact that Bladelet will, in little things like holding a finger, or other small contacts.  

We're back tomorrow afternoon with Wyxling, she'll be involved for the rest of the introductions now, which is right.

When we got home today, we found a very upset and scared little girl.  Being Wyxling of course she doesn't cry, she's avoiding us, difficult, despondent, then when we get her and keep her with us she screams and fights and then cries.  Poor little Wyxling just doesn't understand at the moment.  Mostly, because we've left her for two almost full days, far more than we've ever done before, and she's really upset.  After we finally had the big upset that was coming the rest of the evening was Mummy, don't leave me.  I have promised her we will go everywhere together all day tomorrow.  Hubby is putting Wyxling to bed tonight, and she has had a big tantrum at bedtime.  Poor little thing is just settling and I think she'll go off to sleep now in seconds.

So, tomorrow we have a morning to ourselves and we'll go to the park, always good for a stressed Wyxling, then go to meet Bladelet in the afternoon.  I think the first meeting will be OK for her.  He's a smiley baby, and she loves smiley babies.  Having said that though, I'm far more scared about tomorrow than I was about today.

M-I-L is still here, not sure when she's planning on staying until.  Things are a little tense, but she's really kept Wyxling distracted the last two days.  Now we need to get back to just the three of us in the house, then add in number four.

I am feeling knackered, wired, excited, and brilliantly happy as well as incredibly guilty all at the same time.

Thanks to everyone who sent their good wishes, I'm sorry, I do not have time tonight to reply to everyone, but it really is very much appreciated.  This community has become a huge source of support very quickly.

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Get a good nights sleep you're going to need it loads of hugs glad your baby boy is amazing x x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Been waiting for you to post, how fab!  Great that today went so well although sorry to hear Wyxling took it so hard being parted from you.  Fingers crossed that she really enjoys tomorrow xxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Oh how wonderful to finally meet your beautiful baby boy!! And all of these big emotions that Wyxing is feeling, too. I'm glad that the MIL has not made it more difficult and you have been abe to focus on the planning. Delighted that your husband is bonding well with Bladelet too.


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## Wyxie

Thank you everyone for your good wishes!

Last night was an absolutely terrible night's sleep.  Today was the day I was really very, very worried about.  We've tried to predict how Wyxling would react, but it's such a different situation for her, all we could really do was take our best guess.  I had nightmares all night that I left Wyxling again.  I promised her yesterday that we'd be together now, for the rest of the introductions with Bladelet, she'd be with us and no more Mummy leaving her.  All night I kept dreaming that I left her again, I forgot about her, left her and went out, and then when I came back I knew she'd never love me.  Felt like death by this morning, and tbh, I'm practically asleep now.

Anyway, needless to say I didn't accidentally leave Wyxling and go out, and never could, but I was really worried about her meeting with Bladelet.

In the end it went as well as I could have hoped.  Wyxling coped brilliantly, in what was obviously a really hard and confusing situation for her.  She was completely overwhelmed when we got to the f/c house, she never deals well with new places, especially ones with lots of big men in them!  But, once we got her to come out her shell a little she was fantastic.  She was very kind and gentle with Bladelet.  Very interested in playing with him, and doing things with him, helping him walk etc.  She was super quiet at bedtime when my husband and the f/c took him upstairs to put him into bed and went up to blow him a kiss.  She clearly didn't know how to behave in certain situations, in particular sharing toys.  Wyxling isn't the sort of child where you can just have a vague "we'll share and Mummy will step in when she thinks it's not working" sort of set up.  She needs to know the rules, for everything, she constantly questions.  She did get very agitated at times, and it was hard to bring her down in the f/c very busy house, but we managed OK and no blow ups.  I suspect there may be a whopper in the morning, but at least we got her home and to bed without any major drama.  Bladelet is teething, and didn't want to eat today, which is apparently very unusual.  Between his f/c and me we managed to get about half his dinner into him, and then hubby got a bit of weetabix in and some milk later on. 

Bladelet is definitely more comfortable with me than with hubby, and was quite distressed when I went out the room with Wyxling on a couple of occasions, but easily soothed by me.  He also clearly wanted his f/c a few times when he was along with us which was good, from my point of view, and when I thought he needed to see a familiar face we popped in to see his f/c for a little bit.  Not that he was screaming for her, just looking and not quite happy.  We managed to get a good mix of time with us on our own and with the foster family, who were fantastic with us, Wyxling and Bladelet.  Hubby and I also both managed some brief one to one time with Wyxling, and I got some time on my own with Bladelet.  He's a really snuggly baby and very curious.  Also had some time with Wyxling and Bladelet, and no hubby, and that was really nice, even if it did make me realise how good I'm going to have to get a baby juggling.  Wyxling was utterly delighted that she got to have a snuggle sandwich with Bladelet as the Jam (I really need to get that book).  This is something she's been planning for ages.  Luckily he didn't object to a certain amount of squashing!

Wyxling didn't sleep in the car on the way back, although she was very tired, and I couldn't get her to sleep at this end either, before I left the room.  I was really hoping to.  She was pushing me away at various points in the day, which she does anyway at times, and I just ignored her and told her Mummy knew she needed cuddles.  Somewhat surprisingly, she didn't make a big fuss about it, other than when we got home and it took me a few minutes to get her to accept cuddles and she was trying to push herself out my arms.  Didn't last long, got her calmed down and she was asleep seconds after I left the room.

I am knackered, happy, and if I'm honest, more than anything right now, relieved.  Tomorrow is a rest day, which I think will be good for us too, we're back first thing on Monday.  Wyxling is not going to like the wake up call, I only hope I can get ready without waking her and put her back to sleep in the car, or we're in for a rough morning and she'll be very unhappy long before lunch!

On the downside, M-I-L left this morning, unhappily.  My husband is really upset, and so am I, she's very unhappy with us, and determined that her not having as much contact with Wyxling isn't working for Wyxling, which in a way it isn't, because she's not able to be positive about sending Wyxling to us, she's just avoiding Wyxling cuddling her and getting upset, and leaving us to explain.  It's working an awful lot better than things have done previously though, because Wyxling is dealing with family visits and the aftermath much, much better.  M-I-L is missing out, I know that, but Wyxling needs this.  She clearly feels that we are looking for problems with Wyxling which must be to do with her being adopted, when in actual fact she's a pretty normal toddler.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I've tried and tried to convince myself Wyxling's behaviour is all normal for a toddler more times than I can count, but it's not, and I'm her Mother and I'm here all the time, and I do know best.  M-I-L is not great at accepting other people know best.  Hubby has always been very close to his parents and is disappointed and upset by them.  So am I.  It has also really driven home to me that my relationship with my M-I-L isn't as close as I'd thought it was.  She's my husband's Mum, and very much the one in charge of their family, she's used to people deferring to her opinion about everything, and I am not fitting in with things at all at the moment.  I really wanted to say something, but didn't feel able to because they've done so much for us.  If she hadn't come up, we couldn't have had Bladelet placed, there's no arguing with that.  She's come up on a number of occasions before to help out when we've had things to do with SS, and I am very grateful to her for that.  But while I might be grateful, Wyxling doesn't owe her anything, she's a baby, and she needs everyone involved with her to be doing whatever they can to help her.  M-I-L's being really selfish about this.  I am incredibly grateful to her for everything she's done for us in the past, but increasingly annoyed about her trying to dictate to me about what is best for my child, and treating me like I'm doing something terrible by asking her to share in helping Wyxling overcome her problems. 

My parents haven't called at all since the introductions started.  I have a suspicion they have forgotten when they were due to start.

Parents!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Love the hug sandwich sounds fantastic.  Wyxling has done you proud no bust ups at FC is amazing for day one.  I am sure MIL will tow the line a little bit to meet baby boy. At prep an adoptive Mum spoke and said that adoption affects relationships in particular it makes you hate your MIL
She had an older bio child but said it drove her mad when she adopted because MIL had no idea about how to raise her son bit was constantly lecturing.  I know it doesn't make it easier but wanted to know you're not alone x x x


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## crazyspaniel

Enjoy your rest day Wyxling, I hope Wyxling is looking forward to seeing her baby brother again!


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## Wyxie

Today has been pretty good, all things considered.  Wyxling has struggled at times, but no major kick offs - she did get very very upset a couple of times though, in fact woke me up at half five this morning crying for me, which is almost unheard of.  She was very upset and we had a huge cuddle, and she managed a bit of a doze for an hour or so.  I did not, sadly.  I'm normally better at snoozing in the chair than that!  She gave Daddy his card and chocolate orange in bed this morning.  The idea of an orange made out of chocolate is a new one on Wyxling, and she thoroughly approves.  Daddy, share!

Tomorrow's a 4:30am start, so I'm just attempting to get everything I need ready.

I still haven't spoken to my Mum, not for over a week now.  Got hold of Dad today who was very laid back as usual.  I've tried to call twice, breaking my childish resolve not to call her until she calls me, but she's away at the moment and didn't answer.

I wonder if I'd had a baby, if she would have gone three days without calling.  No point being cross with her, she's a bit vague at the best of times, and struggles, but I am a bit sad.

I am putting M-I-L out my head entirely atm.  Hubby spoke to them today and will tomorrow I'm sure.  I'll speak to them again in a couple of days.

To bed!


----------



## gettina

Hope wyxling is ok tomorrow. Glad today didn't have too dramatic ups and downs. Was so lovely to hear about yesterday. Hope tomorrow is another magical one with snuggle sandwiches. 
I'm sorry your mum isn't exactly present at this exciting wonderful family time.  
X


----------



## Wyxie

I am tired, we were up at 4:30 this morning after a terrible night's sleep.

Bladelet was very grizzly today, he's poorly, and not much seemed to be able to raise a smile except Wyxling.  He doesn't really scream, he just makes the most pathetic cries, and the poor little chap really probably didn't need some near strangers in his house with him all day.  He coped with it pretty well overall.  Wyxling's pretty miffed with me, but Bladelet and Wyxling have really taken to each other.  He absolutely loves watching her play, she loves seeing him do new things, like dance to the music I was playing for him, and likes to join in.  It was wonderful to watch.  There's a definite connection between them which I wouldn't have believed possible given they've never met.  We took them to the park this morning and he was loving watching Wyxling in the swings waving to him, and even had a little go in one himself, and quite enjoyed it.  Kicking myself for forgetting the camera!  He isn't really eating though, wants the food, but clearly eating is hurting, he's teething and made up with cold.  We were there until just after lunch today, lunch was not a complete success, no sandwich eaten despite the best efforts of hubby and the foster carer, so f/c suggested giving him a bottle which I did.  He then managed to accomplish what Wyxling has so far not in the last almost 13 months, and was sick - all over me.  Finally, I feel like a real Mum.

Sadly, the trip to the park cut short when someone came to tell us we'd left the handbrake off when we parked on the very steep hill by the park, and it had slipped backwards down the hill running into his wife's car, and a wall.  Hubby was really upset, not helped by the fact we agreed a part exchange deal on the car yesterday which this was going to mess up, and he's got 10 years no claims, arrg.  We raced back to the car, Wyxling very distressed by this point, and found that a. the handbrake was fully engaged, it must have failed; and b. the term "smashed up" was a little excessive to describe the low speed bump.  It had caused some damage though.  Hubby flapped, he does not deal well with situations like this, especially as the bloke was a little confrontational.  Anyway we got it all sorted out, we did have protected no claims so the damage to next year's insurance premium won't be too horrendous - hubby has 10 years no claims - and the dealership we'd arrange to part exchange with have said they'll give us almost as much as they would without the extra damage on the car.  

Hubby was finally calmed down, he was very upset, and we managed to have a good afternoon with Wyxling, in fact she was very snuggly almost right through.  Bedtime was not awesome, which was expected, but Wyxling is doing a lot better than we'd expected at this stage.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So sorry about the car that was the last thing you needed.  It's always been a thought of mine would you feel a connection to your siblings if you hadn't met. I've always thought yes and your two do which is lovely x x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Ugh, HSDad's handbrake failed twice (the second time being after he had the handbrake fixed!!!). Needless to say, he was distraught at possibly causing damage to someone else's vehicle. I've never seen him so humiliated and even traumatised! Glad you are getting a new car; HSDad didn't start to feel better until he started driving the new car.


----------



## Sq9

Seeing your 2 lo's connecting so well must be amazing and probably a huge relief for you.  The car incident will be a good story to tell w and b when they are older about the week you all met! Last thing you needed though.  Hope the rest of intros go without anymore car or other dramas!


----------



## Wyxie

I am exhausted, things are going well, Bladelet is wonderful, but very poorly and not eating, and it's making things tough for him.  It's been a tough day for everyone, including the f/c.  Wyxling is doing so well, I'm incredibly proud of her.  She's so kind to her little brother and he continues to be fascinated by her.  

I discovered today when trying to cheer Bladelet up a bit from his teething and poorly misery, that he loves having raspberries blown on the bottom of his feet.  Wyxling always has too and it was a bit of a random last ditch attempt to stop him crying.  It's the little things, sometimes that really get you.  Wyxling told Bladelet she loved him today, she's fascinated a little, and likes to stroke his hair.  She's struggling with sharing my time, but so far it's simply not occurred to her to be cross with Bladelet.  She's quite concerned when he's upset and really wants to be able to comfort him.  She's still doing best for making him smile, he just loves watching her do things.

Total number of car crashes today: 0.

Still haven't managed to speak to Mum, tried texting today but no response.  She has however, managed to like something on my ******** page, so at least I know she's alive.


----------



## Wyxie

My post just got eaten.

Everything's going pretty well.  It's a very emotional, stressful, wonderful, upsetting and happy time all at once.

Wyxling is coping well, all things considered, better than we'd hoped.  Bladelet is wonderful.  They both are.

I'm tired!


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

Sleep mummy, you need all your energy! I can't help but get the sense that these children were always meant to be yours, wherever they came from they were just biding their time until you found them.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm so glad it's going as well as it can and there is no repeat of your last experience x x


----------



## Wyxie

The last two days have been wonderful at times, and incredibly hard at times.  

Wyxling is struggling, and I hate seeing her so upset.  She's getting agitated, then tantrums when things aren't exactly as she wants, and really, it's just random little stuff that even for a child too young to have perspective, is silly, then very upset when she's finished raging.  She's trying very hard with sharing after a big discussion about this, and she's trying really hard with Bladelet, she likes him being around and is really keen to help him and be with us.  She seems to be coping with the idea of a change in our family really well, but the stress of little routine things changing, the upheaval of us coming and going for the travelling, are just too much for her.  The introductions have just gone on too long for Wyxling, although Bladelet needed the extra time, and she needs things to settle down now and for us to get few the next few weeks and into our new routine.  I'm struggling to help her to regulate with the distraction of all Bladelet's toys.  On an up note, other than a very determined bite earlier, which was just sheer frustration, I've not had any attacks, and no serious attempts to hurt herself.

Bladelet is doing really well most of the time, but is clearly utterly fed up with being shoved in the car.  Luckily he's relatively un-phased by Wyxling's tantrums - we've had 3 today while he's been here and he hardly batted an eyelid - but when she's OK and playing with him or doing little things for him to copy, he loves it and giggles away.  We've both had lots of nice time with him, getting him to sleep fairly easily at nap times.  He's very snuggly when he's tired, curious and determined to explore, and very playful.  He's a really easy baby to entertain and keep smiling.  He's starting to look forward to seeing us and holds his arms out for a cuddle when we see him.  When I look back in the car and see those two pairs of huge brown eyes and two chuckling babies, it just feels wonderful.  I feel like we've done as much as can be achieved in the introductions now.

Almost time to bring him home and have our family complete.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Roll on normal home routine for your two babies. Most adults struggle with the exhaustion of prep so god only knows how hard it is for little ones x x x  Luck for you two they have you to guide them through it all x


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## Wyxie

I'm drained, tired, and can't stop crying.  Bladelet's coming home tomorrow and then our family is complete, at last.  I can't believe that 13 months ago we'd only just met Wyxling.  I've felt so torn between our two children at times today, I know this is a taste of things to come, and I am absolutely determined to manage, but scared that I won't be able to do the best for both of them.

I'm having a beer, as it will probably be the last for a while!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

All those emotions and the lack of sleep, not a surprise you are so overwhelmed with it all.  You have to know though, you will do this and you will do it well, really well, because you have gone into it wanting to do the best.  It's different sometimes I think, to people to whom children come easily.  The trouble is, you will keep doubting that you are doing all you can, even though you will be.  (Does that make any sense?  I hope so)

Have a wonderful day tomorrow and big    from us xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh sweetie, what a massive mixture of emotions. Don't underestimate yourself, I learn so much from your posts. You sound a loving, nurturing, strong and determined woman. You will do all you can to help your children bond and settle. Sending all my love for tomorrow. Now enjoy your beer!! XxX


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Ill be thinking of you tomorrow. You are an amazing mummy. 

Big hugs xxxxxxx


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## Sq9

You're doing amazingly. No doubt the next few days and weeks are going to be like a whirlwind for you all, but will be so worth it. We're all here when you need to let off steam.  Take care and enjoy tomorrow when your family will become 4.


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## melbg

I've been following your story. I am so excited for you. Your baby boy is coming home today! Good luck, i'm sure it will be utterly exhausting and amazing all at the same time. 

Please let us know how it goes when you get chance.

Love and hugs for you all today


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Your children are so lucky to have found you.  It won't be easy but you will manage better than anyone else could I am sure.  Good luck with today hope it goes as smooth as possible x x


----------



## Wyxie

Thank you for your messages.  Today has been tough, and the first time I've seriously questioned if we've made the right decision.  Bladelet has needed a lot this afternoon, but so has Wyxling.  She's pulled away more and more and got more and more agitated I've been unable to respond how I know I should to bring her down, because every time I put Bladelet down he starts to cry.  

Both currently asleep, but I'm sure Bladelet won't last the night.

I'm alternating between being incredibly cross with my husband for how negative he's being with Wyxling all the time - he just can't deal with her in the right way when she's testing a lot and being controlling - and just wanting him out the way, and dreading him going back to work and being on my own with both children.

SW texted this morning to see how things were going after the move, and I haven't dared reply. 

I'm sure hormones are playing a part at the moment, but it doesn't help knowing that.  I'm on medication for PMT which I've forgotten to take for at least three days in a row, I realised this morning.  I'm normally really good with it.  I've been on the verge of tears all day, and shouted at Wyxling earlier which I haven't done for months.  I'm normally so good at staying calm with her, but just feeling so frustrated by being unable to help her, and my husband being unable to respond how we need to.

I just hope tomorrow everything feels better again.


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## Handstitchedmum

Ugh, hormone changes are the worst. Really hits me hard sometimes and it's difficult to pull the boots up and get on with things, as I know my smile isn't genuine and I have no tolerance, not a single bit, left.

Big hugs


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I am sorry you've had a tough day. Just try and remember the first few weeks and months will be hardest.  Sending hugs and hoping tomorrow is a calmer day x x


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## Sq9




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## MummyAuntieKatie

Big hugs.  I find it helps when I have PMT to keep reminding myself that it is PMT, it's not my real state of mind.  I have no tolerance either during that hormonal surge!  

Look back over how far you have come, you can do it again.  Would Wyxling respond to being given some responsibility for Bladelet?  I don't know what, like getting nappies, rubbing in cream? Might help her feel included even with the huge changes? xx


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## GERTIE179

Hey Wxyie,

Do you think Wxyling would let you touch/connect with her if Bladelet is attached to you with a baby sling? It may help you feel you are giving Bladelet the comfort he craves just now with the move but let you have your Hands free to play/massage Wxyling? PM me if your like to know more.

Big hugs and really hope you get some good sleeps tonight even if broken.
X x


----------



## Wyxie

Gertie, we have a sling.  I need it to be able to do anything round the house at all.  But, I can't do what I need to do to calm Wyxling while wearing a sling and with Bladelet on my tummy - I have to be able to pick her up while she's fighting and kicking and rock her.  I also can't seem to get Wyxling to play, at all, it's all agitation, stress, worry, constant questioning about the little details of what we're doing each day, who's going where with whom.  She's always been a bit like that a bit but it's back to the very worst level.  Hard to get her to have any fun at all, certainly not in the house.  Little man is doing OK, getting very upset at times, normally when he gets a bit upset then I assume he gets more upset because the person that would normally comfort him isn't there.  But when he's OK, he's really doing OK, laughing, playing, really lovely.  

I'm tired, feeling very torn between babies, and just want to be able to do something to get Wyxling back to where we were, or to be able to see a way I can start to work with her.  At the moment she just point blank refuses to cooperate with anything at all if it comes from me.  I have someone coming to speak to me tomorrow about Wyxling, so will try and get some ideas.  

I'm trying to take one day at a time and not think long term, to stop myself getting too upset.

Hope everyone is well.  Very quick post as just finished for the day and about to go to bed to (hopefully) get some sleep.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Sorry Wyxie, that sounds so hard.  Have you got a large wall planner (kiddie style) with your day planned out in pics?  I think I saw one on Amazon and it might have been for children on the spectrum but now I can't find it.  Seeing the day in pictures helped them to calm themselves because they knew what was going to happen at each stage.  I wondered if it might help?  xx


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## Wyxie

Today has been better.

Medication is now working again, hormones are battered down and only a background issue, and things seem a bit more manageable.  Not been off medication for 7 years now for PMT (I get severe depression 2-5 days a month), and had actually started to think maybe I didn't need it any more.  It turns out I do.

We have got through today OK and both hubby and I have managed some good time with Wyxling.  We need to change how we're managing bedtimes though as Bladelet is finding it hard.  Poor little dude is getting so upset at bedtimes especially with hubby does it, but as it takes one parent per child it's not fair on Wyxling for me to put Bladelet to bed every night.  We had a plan, but it's not working, so we're going to tweak it.

AuntieKatie, thanks for the suggestion, I did think about that once before.  With Wyxling it's much more minute details than that, which can't be covered by a chart - it's something I've thought about before when she had a lot of problems.  Who is bathing who, who will hold the soap, who will pour water over her hair, can she put the cloth into the sink etc etc.  She tries to force me to set rules for everything when she's anxious, so she knows in her head it's allowed or it's not.  There's just no room in Wyxling's world for sometimes Mummy gives you the jug to rinse your hair, but if you're getting a bit too splashy and/or your arms are too tired to lift the full jug over your head, Mummy will do it.  With most kids you do that on the fly, but with Wyxling we need to plan this out 3 days in advance, only I won't.  I need to stop engaging with her at this level, I let her draw me into it.  I've been trying very hard not too.  Also, it's not possible for me to say who's doing what with who that level because Bladelet has only been here 4 days - Wyxling can't cope with that very well.  I don't think Wyxling is on the autistic spectrum, purely because I'm told that children with autism don't do imaginative play (although I've heard from other sources that they can do, but very repetitively). Wyxling is incredibly imaginative, and also empathises quite well for her age, so I think it's a stress reaction and fear of being moved again.  If it keeps up, I'm definitely going to speak to someone about it, because it's just not healthy for her to have that level of stress about such little details and it stops her doing anything else.

Bladelet is doing really well, he's such a happy lovely baby, but very upset at times.  I still feel like I should be giving him more, but it's a very careful balancing act at the moment.  If I try and give him too much for Wyxling, he ends up getting less, because I then have to sort her out afterwards.

Wyxling is trying really hard, and has been very nice and kind to Bladelet.  Even though she does want all his stuff and is a bit sulky about not being able to move all his toys into her room.

Anyway, we're managing, but hubby goes back to work tomorrow and I am somewhat terrified.  Naps are the big sticking point at the moment.  I can't get either baby off for a nap very easily when the other's in the room.  Both of them most definitely need naps, and I most definitely need them both to have naps!  Hubby has been helping out, so we've been working them in, but tomorrow I'm on my own with that one.

On a more amusing note, they both have exactly the same "pooing face", and when they both deliver at the same time, I can't help laughing at the pair of them.  I always tease Wyxling about it.  I say "are you having a poo" "no Mummy, having think"... "Wyxling, that's a very smelly think..."  Now she just says "no think" *pause* "smelly think".  She really cracked me up today when she came running in to tell me Bladelet had done a "smelly think".  Also, Wyxling is now obsessed with the fact that Bladelet has a "tail" (f/c's words), and wants to watch every time he's changed.  She also keeps questioning who else has a tail, and why she hasn't.  I have explained boys have tails, and girls don't, but she seems to feel it's necessary to question on an individual basis.  Having established that Daddy and Bladelet have a tail, and Mummy and Wyxling do not, she also feels it's necessary to tell everyone this.  Mind, that's a lot better than what she was saying last week which did actually make me feel the need to explain while we were out.

Please babies, both sleep tonight!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

You're doing so fantastic and should make sure you remember that when days are so hard.  So often we focus on the things we can't possibly manage but please be kind and praise yourself too. Wyxling is being kind and caring because you have taught her how in the way you treat her. That is a truly amazing thing and you should be very proud.  Also praying both babies sleep for you x x


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## Sq9

Praying for lots of snoring in your house tonight! You are doing brilliantly.  Hope tomorrow turns out to be better than you are expecting. Take care xx


----------



## Wyxie

We survived!  It was mega stressful, Bladelet was sick all over me and him and the surroundings twice with terrible timing, in a thing that wouldn't have been a big deal if I didn't have two kids who're just too needy to be left even for a second, and only one pair of hands.  Complicated slightly by one of the things he was sick on - the baby sling - making keeping him with me for the clear up tricky!  Wyxling was Wyxling, Bladelet was very upset, lots of minor pushing from Wyxling, then sitting looking at me with a sulky face until I tell her I can see she need a cuddle and - breakthrough - she says yes and has a cuddle instead of kicking off several times today!  She did, however, poo 5 times in half an hour, deliberately eeking it out bit at a time so I kept having to change her and refusing point blank to sit on the toilet or potty - if that's too much info wait until you have kids!  At poo number 5 I sat her down for a talk about it and she reluctantly agreed to sit on the toilet.  5 minutes later, having clearly forgotten her awkward, there was a victorious cry of "dat poo, little no, dat poo big lump (loooomp)!" and I couldn't stop laughing for some time.  Bladelet was a bit neglected during all this though and I was feeling very bad, despite the amusement factor.

This afternoon Wyxling told me she loved me.  Third time ever.  Seriously, in a year.  Then she said she loved Bladelet.  Then she had a think and said no, she liked him being here, but she loved me and she loved Daddy.  I said that was fine, because she didn't know Bladelet yet, and she was being very kind to him, which she really is, despite the difficulties, and just liking him and being kind to him was fine.  I said she'd come to love him when she got to know him better, but for now, liking him and being kind was lovely.

Both kids were seriously cute with one of my cats, who is seriously cute.  I need to sleep, but for those not in chat tonight, I will explain the cuteness tomorrow!

Bladelet is missing his f/c and getting very upset at times, but doing very well.  I seem to be able to sooth him, hubby can't, which is really upsetting him (hubby).  It's not him, I'm sure, it's a man/woman thing.

Wyxling did not query loudly whether anyone had a tail today.

Bed!


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## gettina

Love your writing wyxie!   
Thrilled you heard you are loved.
Relieved no awkward tail talk.
Gettina xx


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## Sq9

Well done for getting through your first day on your own relatively unscathed.  They sound hilarious though a lot of hard work  . Take care xx


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## Wyxie

Today was pretty horrific at times, but some good times too.  Started very early with sick everywhere, all dried up from last night.  Wyxling was sick in her sleep and her bed and room and toys in the bed were in a horrific state when hubby got her up - and he failed to notice somehow!  It was only when I smelled her in the bathroom I realised someone had been sick, and went in her room to check it out.  He then put all the bedding and toys in the washing machine (while I bathed Wyxling) without shaking out the chunks first so I had to get it out after the first wash, shake it in the garden, clean the seal on the washing machine, and rewash.  Men!

Tbh, he's been pretty good today.  Things have been tough at times, very torn between Bladelet and Wyxling a lot of the time, and hubby struggling because both of them want me and in Bladelet's case will only really calm for me, and Wyxling's only really play up for me.  Wyxling had a really big blow up at bedtime, which was much needed tbh, then we had a talk.  She's expressing herself a little.  She said she wants Mummy and Daddy back which I can understand, Bladelet needed a lot from me today.  She also then started asking about her and Bladelet's tummy mummy.  That really surprised me as it's not a phrase I use with her a lot, and generally she's not said much about bm or the idea of being adopted when I've talked about it.  Really wish I had some life story work to go through with her at the moment, but still no sign of it.

Anyway, it was a tough one, but we also had some glimpses of how things could be if our kids weren't in such a mess right now.  We sat down, played some games, both of them laughing and Wyxling cooperating.

Overall a tough day though, and I need an early night because Bladelet went off very early, and I'm guessing an early morning will follow.  

Tomorrow I'm going swimming.  Hubby with bring Bladelet and Wyxling up later, Wyxling for a swim, and Bladelet to watch.  I'm not giving up exercise for having children, because I really need my own health and that's part of keeping me sane quite honestly.  I feel very defensive about it though because I don't seem to have enough time for either child at the moment, so any taken away, makes me feel bad.  Plus Wyxling guilt trips me horrendously about the run and two swims I have every week.  It used to be three swims but I cut one out for more weekend time with them.  Tomorrow morning I'm planning on pushing myself, I really need a good workout to make myself feel better.  Running along pushing buggy and buggy board, hard work though it is, doesn't really leave the same feeling as I'm then knackered, sweaty, and still have two kids to deal with, and no time for a shower. 

Yesterday my M-I-L started talking to me about Wimbledon.  I asked her not to because I hadn't seen it and didn't know results.  She said "oh, I just assumed as your at home now you'd be watching it".  Is she out of her f***ing mind?  That and the "all kids do that" comment every time I say anything is making me really, seriously, not want to speak to her.  I'm so fed up of it.  I really don't like talking to her much about our kids any more at all, I've told hubby I don't want to discuss much in the way of details with them, but they ring and ask a lot and I also won't lie.  In addition, if I tell her all is sunny and great and both our children are absolutely fine she'll be knocking on my door and behaving completely inappropriately with both of them.

Grizzle grumble.

Actually, I think today classed as an OK day, but one I was very glad my husband was at home for.  Both babies had their good moments and we had a nice trip to the park.  We just also had a lot we needed to get done which is hard for them.

Next week he's working three days.  I will have everything prepared and ready to go, and hope Wyxling is less explosive.  We've only had 4 kick offs today, but they've been pretty spectacular.  Right down to shoving her hands in her bum because I'd been changing her and then attempting to ram them in my mouth and eyes.  Delightful!  She did, at least, give me an unprompted sorry afterwards, which is almost unheard of.

Just to add: Wyxling's latest game is playing at her toys being sick.  I nearly wet myself when she told off one of her toys for not "shaking the chunks off" before using the washing machine, and then proceeded to do it herself.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Going to do some exercise is vitally important for your wellbeing I agree. It's these little things that keep us sane.  Hope you enjoy tomorrow x


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## Wyxie

Also to add: I do love them both to bits, despite the grizzling.  One of the things I promised myself a long time ago, was that I wouldn't let how long we'd waited for our family make me feel bad for b*tching about the difficulties.  Much like exercise, a certain amount of grumbling is good for me.  It doesn't mean I'm not extremely grateful for our children.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Hey Wyxie, I can't imagine how hard it must be trying to juggle 2 babies all at once! I agree though, waiting for a family doesn't mean you have to just grin and bear it when things are hard.  That's why this forum is invaluable, we don't have to grin and bear it, we can share and commiserate with each other when things aren't going according to plan or we are having a bad day and no one will say 'well, you wanted them'... in that awful judgemental tone!    Get it off your chest and don't give up being you just because you have a family, however you came by it!


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## Wyxie

We had a pretty rough day, although it could have been much worse, hubby being really down about everything is effecting me quite badly.  

Hubby has been obviously unhappy for most of the day and as always, when he's unhappy he's grouchy and snippy with me and with Wyxling, and although he did spend some time with me this evening when I asked, it didn't feel like his heart was in it and I've let him go and do his own thing.  

There is a part of me which I think will always feel like I'm somehow failing for not providing the happy family life he hoped for, and that really, really annoys me.  I feel torn every which way, I try to make everyone happy, and end up pleasing no-one and stressing myself out massively in the process.  Sometimes it feels like this is what life will always be like.  Trying to do as much as I can for all three of them, but they only notice the things they don't get.

I am clinging on to the few times today everyone has been laughing and happy, even if it was only briefly.


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## GERTIE179

Aww Wyxie (((huge hugs)))
Please please don't think this way - you & DH had this journey together. This path is not an easy one and I really feel for you at this difficult time. You are not alone in wishing things could be easier & simpler. We've had a few tough days recently and both DH & I are struggling at times. Personally I think we are both jaded as there is no holiday leave in this rather demanding job where you are the lowest priority (or is that just me?).

I've no advice as I think you are doing an amazing job just think one day at a time (or even one hour at a time).
X x x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

It's so hard, we all want to offer wonderful words of wisdom but you do everything you can already, it's just such a hard time at the moment.  Sounds like you and DH need to regroup, work out how best you can support each other, so that you don't feel like you are supporting everyone


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## Wyxie

I don't know why I'm feeling so down.  I actually think things are going OK in many ways, given where we are, although it is hard being so torn between Wyxling and Bladelet.  I guess I never factored into the equation that Bladelet might decide that only Mummy will do much like Wyxling often does, and I'm trying to rethink how best to do stuff.

We actually had a lot of positives today particularly with Bladelet, I've had some really lovely time, but also a lot of very difficult "which child first" moments which leave me feeling incredibly guilty whichever way I turn, and hubby is finding it hard, and I don't like the thought that he's just tired, and he's going back to work tomorrow, and I think he's relieved, but at the same time feels like there's never a break.  To be honest, there isn't.  Our kids are hard work, Wyxling is going to be hard work for some time, I imagine, and I don't know there will ever come a time when it will be OK to leave her with someone for the day, let alone overnight.  We just need to learn to relax in the same house.

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment Gertie.  I hope things pick up soon.

I don't normally feel sorry for myself, but I struggle seeing hubby unhappy and not being able to do anything about it.  

Anyway, bed, as babies are not sleeping well!  This is probably not helping my mood.  Lack of sleep was always a big worry for me with a second child coming in, and we've not even had any really bad nights yet, but I do find tired = tearful, and I hate being like that.

Tired also = bye bye sentence structure, but never mind.


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## gettina

Hugs wyxie.
You can't celebrate how well you and dh are doing, simply coping, when you are shattered. 
You are doing so well.
I wish bladelet would let dh support you and him more though - any point in pushing that a bit for the long term benefit you might gain? I speak from a position of ignorance..
Hope tomorrow is acceptable. I think I'd be feeling almost fearful in your shoes so getting it behind you might help you.
Xxxxxx
Gettina


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## Sq9

Sending you massive hugs wyxie. You are doing such a fantastic job xx


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## Wyxie

Thank you everyone for the support.  I'm trying to keep up with what everyone else is up to at the moment, but not having much time to post.  I'm trying to process the day at the end of it, so apologies for a long rambling and not particularly insightful entry, probably one of many at the moment.  I need to try and keep things in perspective, and let off steam occasionally.

I cannot help being incredibly pleased with myself for managing to get both children out the house and at the park by 9:30, having been up, fed them, had breakfast, got dressed myself, bathed one of them after a very explosive poo incident which just wasn't going to be sorted any other way, dealt with a Wyxling kick off, and managed some snuggle time with each.  This may have been assisted slightly by the horrendous time they woke me up this morning.  Hubby and I can't even take the early starts (which are getting progressively earlier) in turn because as with so many things right now, only Mummy with do, which is incredibly tough for both of us in very different ways.  Bladelet just cries and cries and cries, and Wyxling grumbles and saves up for a payback later to make sure I know how unhappy she is with me for daring to have a lie in.  I'm humouring it at the moment, but the days hubby's at home I'm sleeping in the afternoon when the kids do, and in a few weeks we're going to have to start sharing the early starts!

Also managed to get them both down for their naps this afternoon - mega achievement - given they just don't like going to sleep with the other in the room.  Got Bladelet off first, Wyxling was bubbling away nicely after having me sit and give Bladelet his bottle and sing to him for 15 minutes while she watched TV, but she was well behaved while I got him off.  She then had a whopping screaming rage for about 15 minutes in the room next door to where he was sleeping and didn't wake him, and then collapsed knackered and fell asleep in my arms about 30 seconds after she'd done. 

Had some really nice time with both of them today, although only occasionally both at the same time.  I am finding how possessive Bladelet is of me hard.  He does not like sharing me with Wyxling at all.  In fact, on the face of it, he's finding it a lot harder than Wyxling is.  Wyxling is not so much struggling with the sharing, as with the agitation and the related behaviour that kicks off when she gets too wound up.

I'm going back to tracking Wyxling's kick offs, and what causes them, to track how we're doing with that and help if we do need to ask for further help again.  It's actually hard to keep perspective.  It feels like Wyxling has had some pretty difficult behaviours today, but actually, she only kicked off 3 times, plus one random kick at my shins this evening in an otherwise good bedtime which was most definitely a protest, her having agreed that she would try to stay calm through bedtime tonight, just to remind me she's not happy with me about a few things right now!

Bladelet is just desperate for me at bedtime on hubby's night to do it, but I can't put both of them to bed - it really is a two person job at the moment - and it's simply unfair on Wyxling for me to leave her with hubby putting her to bed every night.  I'm finding bedtime really hard on hubby's night.  Bladelet just screams the whole way through from when hubby takes him upstairs to when the bottle goes in his mouth.  We're trying to make it so we're not in the same room during this and I take Wyxling up after he's bathed, because we don't want Bladelet to feel rejected when he's reaching for me and hubby is keeping him, but it's really tough managing it.  It just tears at me seeing either of them wanting me and not being able to go to them.  I really hadn't anticipated Bladelet being so incredibly clingy to me, given he'd been in a two foster parent placement and the f/c husband did have a fair amount of involvement, although in retrospect I probably should have thought about that being a possibility - it just never occurred to me.  He is quite clearly jealous when I pick Wyxling up to give her a cuddle, even if I change her nappy straight after his, he climbs back onto my lap and tries to get between me and her.  Poor little thing must be terrified at the moment, but it just makes everything feel like walking such a fine line.  

Hubby is working three days this week and had to change which ones, so he's now off for two days again, and then in two days.  We're going to keep them separated for quite a bit of tomorrow so we can both get a lot of one to one time with each.  I have Bladelet in the morning, and Wyxling in the afternoon.  Planning a quiet snuggly morning inside with Bladelet, and some playing with his toys, while hubby takes Wyxling to soft play, and then hopefully if the weather is up to it some craft stuff with Wyxling in the garden tomorrow afternoon, and taking her out for a walk with her new doll's buggy.

This morning they were both sat in the swing in the park, one of the really big ones, and Bladelet was giggling and grinning - he's just started to like swings since seeing Wyxling in them, f/c said he really didn't like them before - and Wyxling was very carefully holding onto him and giving him strokes and saying "No too high, Mummy, Wyxling want Bladelet to fall out, no!"  She's been incredibly sweet and thoughtful and mostly not stealing his stuff today!

Much love for both my babies, and I'm knackered, and going to bed.


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Thanks for the updates wyxie I love reading them. 

Hope you get a good nights sleep  xxxx


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## Wyxie

Good bits and bad bits.  Babies are fighting for Mummy and it seems to keep escalating.  Bladelet tries to push Wyxling, physically, away, when she's sat on my lap or having a cuddle, he tries to muscle her out, pushes, grabs, pulls her hair etc.  Of course he's too young to know better but Wyxling is finding it really hard and I am too.  I end up standing up to cuddle her, and he then grabs at my trousers and keens.  She got fed up today and started winding herself up, doing all the things she does which she does to annoy me, just little rebellions, which aren't important in and of themselves, but which continue to raise her agitation level as she does them, and when I went to get her for a cuddle to try and bring her down, she got cross with me and kicked Bladelet in the head *sigh*.  She would have carried on if hubby and I hadn't caught her feet.

Hubby really told her off and she got very very upset, so did Bladelet, far more than by Wyxling, she didn't really hurt him, but she could have.  I think hubby is over-reacting.  I can manage Wyxling if I know what to expect and make sure she's contained and away from Bladelet if she's going, I always know when it's coming.  She may not do it again.  She did it once to our cats, and clearly hadn't thought through cat being a real thing that could get hurt, just that it was something that would upset Mummy, and it had the same feel to it today.  Hubby really told her off for that and then we just never mentioned it again and she never did it again.  But she is struggling with Bladelet trying to muscle her out, and so am I.  On the one hand, he just doesn't understand what's going on and must be terrified, but on the other hand, Wyxling needs too much to be put to one side for however long it takes, and until he learns to sit on my lap with Wyxling - she's quite happy with that, oddly, although a little bit of agitation, it's Bladelet that won't - sometimes Wyxling has to come first.  He doesn't normally even want to stay for cuddles or want anything special from me, he just doesn't want me to cuddle Wyxling, or even sit with my arm round her reading, things that I've worked so very long to be able to do with her, which are fragile and precious to me.  

Very basic jealousy.  Not the way round I had anticipated.  I really find myself at a loss for how to deal with it at times.  Poor Bladelet must be terrified at times, everything he's known has gone, and he's desperately trying to cling on to me because I'm what's there.  It's a completely natural reaction, but just leaving me a bit at a loss as to how to deal with it in the immediacy of the situation.

Another very early start (Wyxling this morning, I think they're taking it in turns).  I did crash when the kids napped today.  I really want to get them napping at different times because I want more one to one time with both when hubby is in work, but the temptation to get them down together just for half an hour off is too much right now.  Bladelet does seem to need an afternoon nap as well as his morning one and as I can't get Wyxling to sleep when he's awake, I keep doing it.  

Tomorrow's another day.  Lots of positives again today, but equally frustration at the things I don't have an answer to, and lots of worry about both children getting everything they need.


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## Wyxie

I have become so focussed on the problems again, and have been forgetting the positives.

Both children are wonderful, Wyxling is still doing so well, despite her current behaviour problems, in terms of attachment and allowing me to care for her, we are so many miles ahead of where we were just a few months ago.  I need to remember to think baby, so hard with a bright little girl who's questioning everything about the world!

I have said this somewhere else today but will say it again.  Theraplay is really, really good.  For very difficult children who won't cooperate then a therapist to work with the child is needed, but the techniques are great for all adopted kids and if they're cooperative enough to do it just with you, it really does work brilliantly.

Lots of Wyxling blow ups today, but despite that, a good day.  We had lots of great family time.  Bladelet is very upset at times, and very clingy, so glad I got a sling, it really is needed at times.  Even if I didn't have Wyxling, I would still want one for such a baby until he's able to potter around and walk with me.  Carrying washing baskets with a child in as well as the washing seems easy until you're manoeuvring kids through the fort knox of stair gates liberally strewn with lego and toys our houses become!

Hope everyone is well,

Wyxie


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## Wyxie

And having said that, today has been horrific.  Really, just awful.  I have a plan for tomorrow, let's hope I can manage it.

Hubby is completely, totally on board all of a sudden, and was great when he got home.  I am so glad.

Both asleep, not sure it will last with Bladelet as he's teething poor little mite, and Wyxling is whimpering in her sleep.

I am physically and mentally exhausted.  Hubby got home just before dinner time and poked me upstairs for a shower, which I most definitely needed.  Completely zoned out in the shower.  Sleep soon, I hope.

I can honestly say this has been the hardest day we've had since Wyxling was placed.  I am repeating again and again and again, she is only a baby, think baby, and treat her like a baby, so hard to do when she's so big and strong and incredibly confrontational today.  Poor Wyxling, such a mess today, she's hit me, kicked me, bitten me more times than I can count, nipped, scratched, put her fingers in her own mess and tried to force them into my mouth, torn my clothes, her clothes, and had a good go at kicking Bladelet again, which I intercepted.  Poor Bladelet, he needs more than he got today, I did my absolute best to give him as much as I could, but Wyxling needed constant babying.

Tomorrow I have a plan.  Let's hope it works.


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## crazyspaniel

Wyxie, hope your plan works out xx
Cs


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hope your plan works tomorrow honey. 


Big big hugs xxxxx


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## Sq9

. Think you are amazing xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I'm sure the plan is a good one, we are all thinking of you


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## gettina

Just sending strong vibes. Hope you are having  a decent chunk of sleep as i type. X


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hope your plan works well sending loads of hugs x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Wyxie,   you are a lovely mummy who is obviously willing to do everything possible for her children, you always sound as if you don't think you are doing enough but I think you are, like you have said yourself, there is no quick fix, it's slowly slowly and you will see improvements, everything is just so unsettled at the moment as the two babies get used to each other. xxx


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## Wyxie

The plan didn't work.  I got upset, shouted, Wyxling has been horrific all morning.  Honestly, as much as I love her, there have been times when I have hated her today.  Bladelet is struggling and has just been whimpering and crying on the floor while I spend all my time trying to calm down an incredibly agitated and then raging Wyxling as she kicks off.  

Hubby came home from work early as I simply didn't know what to do, and he's said that if I can't cope with them both, then the placement is going to disrupt, so we need to work out if we can make it work.  I hate the way he puts it, even though he was very calm about it, but I would never send a child back because I "couldn't cope".  If I really thought it may be better for both of them in the long run I would do it though.  I have to acknowledge it's a possibility if I can't get a grip on the situation and this realisation just finished me off this morning and spent most of the last two hours before hubby came home in tears, with Bladelet also sobbing and Wyxling running around completely high on being able to do whatever she wanted.  But I'm now a little calmer and thinking we can avoid this happening and and we've had mental health therapist involved with Wyxling out to try and give us some suggestions on managing the situation and Wyxling until she starts to calm.  I feel awful for caving and getting hubby home, not least because I now have a weekend of him here to help and don't get to try and put this into practice until Monday, but as soon as the thought that this may not be possible had got into my head I just couldn't do anything else except cry, and Wyxling was running riot.  

We've agreed that he's going to try and leave all child related stuff to me this weekend and help clear everything else away so I can focus on managing both of them to get ready for Monday.  We have a couple of definite strategies for dealing with Wyxling's behaviour which I do think will help, but it will be time consuming, and so I need plans for this when Bladelet needs me, and a contingency plan (a large heavy duty play pen which I'd hoped never to have to get out again) for if I really do need to contain Wyxling to give me time to deal with Bladelet because she's so far gone.  

I think we'll do it, I do feel better about it now, although I'm sure it's going to be hard.  In retrospect, I have to say, it feels like this was the wrong decision to make, bringing Bladelet here in the circumstances.  Bladelet would be doing better right now with a family who could give him everything.  But, it's done, and we need to make it work, because it'll be far worse for him if we disrupt and he has to hope for another placement, on top of all the difficulties that would cause for him in the longer term.  I need to find the right balance, and I think I can do that.  I do feel more positive now.  Hubby thinks we can do it, and I feel like I have to, although it's hard sometimes to know how.

Having said that I'm stressed as hell and getting very depressed.  There is just no-one to talk to about this at the moment, and the complete disappearance of our family support, even it if was very long distance, just as Bladelet is placed, is not helping.  I'm going to see the GP this afternoon and talk about anti-depressants or something to help me calm/sleep.  Most of my lack of sleep atm is coming from worry, not children, who although waking early, are both sleeping well on the whole.

Hubby has taken Wyxling out, who's been incredibly nice since her afternoon nap, and I'm going to get Bladelet up soon or he'll never sleep tonight, poor little thing.

I also realised this morning that while I love Bladelet, it's not the same as what I feel for Wyxling.

I am exhausted.


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## katie c

Wyxie   that sounds so tough.

Is there no support at all? After adoption charities or something?

I'm 100% positive you will get there but poor you. Your husband's comment about disruption doesn't sound particularly helpful right now.


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## Handstitchedmum




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## Wyxie

To be fair, it wasn't him that talked about disrupting first, it was me, but it wasn't anything to do with me coping or not, it's just questioning whether staying here with Wyxling like this completely dominating my time is the right thing for him.  It really upsets me when hubby always says it comes down to whether I can cope, like it's somehow my weakness that is the problem.  He said that before Bladelet was placed, that he thought it would be fine, but he didn't know if I could cope with two children, so it was up to me to decide.  I said then I wasn't sure how Wyxling would react and honestly I think I let him convince me it was not going to be that bad, when I knew it probably would be, but that's easy to say with hindsight.  It doesn't really matter the reason now, we have to try and make this work for both of them.

We have some suggestions as to how to deal with her, and she's been pretty good this afternoon with hubby and didn't kick off for me at bedtime (it was my turn and I was sure we'd have a horrendous one) or do more than have a little toddler tantrum at dinner time, although she was brewing for a fight.  We also have come up with a number of ways to try and stop the kick offs happening in the first place, which I think will help minimise them.  If we can cut it down to 2 or 3 big ones a day, which actually reach a resolution, then it will be perfectly manageable.

She will kick off again when hubby is in work, but I have some strategies and definite plans for dealing with it, and getting the things she fights hardest done before hubby leaves the house for work.  I'm trying to find out what support is available for us asap.  Spoke to our SW today briefly but didn't really tell her how bad the situation was, she initially suggested I speak to people who've worked with Wyxling before, and she's now on holiday.  She would be available if we needed her but I think I need to try things out for a few days next week and then I'll talk to her on Thursday and discuss what else we may need for Wyxling to make this work.

Hubby has said he thinks he should stay out the way this weekend, just do everything that needs to be done round the house, and let me get on with the kids.  If they start to struggle to cope with each other in the situation he'll take one out and we'll calm both down, and start again, with him disappearing.

We have a few other things to work with, which I think will do well, and mostly I need to stay calm.

I also need some sleep, and someone to talk to.  Hubby hasn't been cross since he got home, fortunately, which I was really worried he would be.

I spent a lot of the afternoon with Bladelet, I really thought Wyxling would make me pay for that at bedtime, but she was pretty good in Wyxling terms.  

On an up note, I think I managed to get Bladelet a bit happier in the bath.  He woke up after his nap boiling and in a right state.  He's screamed his way through every bath since he came here, and every time he has his face wiped or cleaned.  I got him in the bath with me, and managed to gradually ease him into it and had a little bit of a splash.  Hadn't planned to wash his hair but managed to get him to do it quite happily in the end, rinsing has been a real nightmare, but we just played at drop the baby like we normally do, and I caught him and then last time lay him all the way down in the bath and he giggled away happily.  Hubby gave him his bath tonight and he was really happy.

Both babies asleep, and I will follow soon, I hope.


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## GERTIE179

Aww hugs - just wanting to let you know I'm thinking about you and hope you can relax and get some zzz's for your days ahead. X x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

You cope amazingly better than anyone else could because you love your children so much. I think it is very early days and things will get a lot better in time but as you always say unfortunately there is no quick fix and thinking about the future doesn't make now any easier. 

You are a strong and fierce loving Mother who will get to the other side of this x x x x


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## Sq9

Sending you massive hugs.  It sounds like it is going to take time which will be so draining for you but good that you have strategies in place to try out for the next few days.  I know it isn't the same as having someone there with you, but we are all behind you 100% so carry on letting off steam on here.  It is still very early days and everyone is testing things to see how they fit in.  It sounds like perhaps if you can tackle the sleep for you with your gp, that may help things feel a bit more manageable.  Take it one hour at a time.  You are doing amazingly


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## Wyxie

Too tired to go into detail really, but today was better.  I did the kids all day on my own, with hubby basically not seeing them, and doing a huge amount of useful stuff into the bargain.  It wasn't a great day, although we did have quite a bit of fun with the paddling pool this afternoon, but manageable, and Wyxling's behaviour was merely awful, rather than frightening!  She wasn't doing anything dangerous so I just let her run around and hopefully work it out her system a little.

We have some more specific plans for tomorrow to spend some time together as a family, and I have a couple of possible plans for Monday when hubby is in work which I think will keep us on an even keel at least for the morning.  Unfortunately, Wyxling always wants to be outside unless it's absolutely freezing and chucking it down, and sometimes even then, and Bladelet is very much used to spending a lot of time indoors, so it's going to be hard to manage things.  Wyxling absolutely loves the warm weather and it doesn't seem to bother her, Bladelet is just melting and miserable in the sun (me too for that matter!)  Wyxling gets very agitated when stuck indoors, and definitely needs a run every day to calm her down, preferably in the morning, Bladelet is much more settled inside with his toys and gets very unhappy when out in the garden for too long.  Not helped by the fact that he's crawling/standing (just) but can't walk and wants to be everywhere so I'm constantly having to move him to stop him hurting himself.  I do have a play pen, but then that seems to compound the problem.  Bladelet is happy inside it with me, but definitely not if I sit just outside, no matter how much attention he gets.  Wyxling is unmanageable if I get inside with Bladelet, and also constantly wants to come in and out.  We are going to need to get them to meet in the middle.

Anyway, it felt more normal again today, although I suspect we're brewing for a bit of a blow up in the morning I'm hoping for one big one and then get on with things!

Thanks for the support, yesterday, and Thursday to a degree, were just beyond belief.


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## Wyxie

Got through a day and a half at home, just about 3 hours now until hubby is home today and then all day tomorrow.  I really am counting it down.  Wyxling has been doing well in a limited fashion, and just one blow up, surprisingly, although it was a big one and I'm utterly knackered after it.  Luckily Bladelet was asleep.

Now I just need to try and keep both of them a bit happy this afternoon in the house and garden.  If only Bladelet liked being outdoors a little more, it would be so much easier.  I think I'm going to give them both play dough in the garden this afternoon, and just try not to let Bladelet eat too much of it, then dump them both in the paddling pool.  Wyxling is getting very cheeky about throwing the water everywhere including all over my washing so I'm just going to guard the paddling pool with the supersoaker we got to scare away the local tom cat.

I'm taking Bladelet out to do too much for how long he's been here, but it seems better than the alternative which is staying home all the time and having Wyxling constantly on boil over.  He's coping pretty well and I'm making sure he's always with me and not letting other Mums fuss over him at all, but it's still probably far too overwhelming for him at this stage.  He seems happy enough now in the park and the local water playground, but I can't seem to get him to settle and play in the garden.  I think it's largely because he's at the awkward stage of almost but not quite being able to walk and getting very frustrated trying to do stuff or me stopping him doing things because he's going to hurt himself.  Garden is not very baby friendly, it turns out.


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## MummyElf

Wyxie huge hugs to you!! Frankly I think you're amazing....my daughter is very good but I'm still struggling right now! One small suggestion which may or may not work, but our daughter is around Bladelet's age and also hates bath-time with us so at the FC's suggestion we've been bathing her in the sink and it's gone down a treat. She's been home a week and I'm not brave enough to try the 'big bath' again yet as she got SO upset the last 2 times. 

I don't know how you manage....I have buckets of respect for you! How do you stay so patient? I'm finding I'm not half so patient as I thought when LO is grizzly and clingy and I can't help but thoroughly dislike myself for it. I guess the truth is we're getting used to each other and bonding and that takes time on both sides. It's only been a week after all  

X


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## MummyAuntieKatie

LilyElf, I know exactly what you mean, I'm finding my patience lacking and I need to sort that out because it's not Bluebird's fault, he's grizzly a lot of the time too but I know he's just out of sorts, confused, making sense of it all in his little head... It's also normal terrible twos, any time we ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, like holding hands, and we insist, he goes into tantrum mode, doesn't last long but boy can it be wearing.  So Wyxie, you are doing just great, no one else could do it any better, you really need to cut yourself some slack and believe that xxx


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## Wyxie

Lilyelf, don't blame yourself for struggling, it's a massive adjustment to make.  Bladelet has been thoroughly grizzly and clingy today, and I completely understand why, they're terrified, everything they know has disappeared and they don't know what will happen next, but it still irritates me although I hide it.  I do have to put Wyxling first sometimes though, which often results in Bladelet crying and Wyxling still feeling like she's not getting proper cuddle time for her because Bladelet is intruding on it and I'm talking to him.  The whole thing frustrates me massively and I'm still trying to find the right balance and often feel like I'm not giving either of them enough.  Because Wyxling is so insecure I can't always put her down for Bladelet, and of course Bladelet can't always be put down for Wyxling.  I think it's just something that we all need to get used to, and you're right of course that it does take time to bond and that works both ways.  Does she go to sleep in her cot or in your arms?  I find getting Bladelet to fall asleep in my arms, or picking him up while he's asleep, really helps me to appreciate how little and vulnerable he is, and be more sympathetic when he's getting jealous because I'm cuddling Wyxling or something similar.  I used to pick Wyxling out her cot hold her while she slept a lot, when she wouldn't let me do it otherwise, and I found it really helped me to cope.  When she was fighting so hard while she was awake it was incredibly easy to lose sight of what she really was, a very scared little baby, and very easy to take everything she did personally, I really needed that.  In time it did help her as well, she got used to waking up in my arms and over time she started being less resistant to cuddling and affection/touch.  But it would have been worth it for me anyway, I needed that to help me keep perspective, and deal with the behaviour when she was awake.  I always try to pick her out her bed at the end of her nap, while she's still asleep, if we're having a bad day.  The snuggle makes me feel calmer, and that's worth a lot to Wyxling, because I can then be a better Mummy in the afternoon!

I'm not by nature a patient person when I feel like I'm being messed around.  I try very hard to hide it but I sometimes don't manage it.  I find it helps to plan to myself how I will deal with grizzly baby, upset baby, attention seeking baby when other one is upset, and have something in mind.  I also find it helps to have some activities which, if I can get Wyxling's cooperation, will make both smile, even if it's not going to work for long.  Catch and rolling a ball around are current favourites.

The bath thing, luckily, is really coming together great!  I've been bathing with Bladelet after nap time on the days that hubby is at home, and taken Wyxling in yesterday as well.  He's so hot and sweaty after his nap with the heat that he's quite glad of the cool bath and if I'm in I can gradually get him into the water one splash at a time.  He's coming on great.  The only thing he gets upset about is not being allowed to stand up in the bath.  We go to a local park which has a water playground and I've taken Wyxling a few times, there's loads of stuff for the kids to do outside and he likes going on the swings with her, and having a snuggle while Wyxling plays in the water.  He's actually started wanting to have a little trot around it - although I steer him well clear of the big buckets that dump 5 litres of freezing water straight over the head!  I'm hoping we're getting there on that one.  It never occurred to me to use the sink tbh, but that's quite a good idea.  Although it's always been washing his face (he hates having it wiped to) and getting water in his face that he really cries about.  He certainly didn't with the f/c.

All the best, it is very early days, most people struggle just with being at home and being Mum, it's the most intense and sudden relationship you will ever have, to suddenly have another person with you all day every day, and there are bound to be things that grate.  Try not to worry about it too much if sometimes you feel impatient, just pretend! 

Wyxie xx


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## MummyElf

Thank you wyxie and Auntie Katie...makes me feel so much better! She sleeps amazingly - all night, no questions. As soon as we put her down she grabs her snuggly blanket and drifts off. Her FC said so long as she has a really soft fleecy blanket to hug she'll go straight off and it's proved true (£4 primark if anyone needs one!).

She really is an incredibly sweet natured child and the few family members who've had a sneak peek in a neutral location are all amazed at how settled and happy she is, how relaxed she is. And it's true but I find my patience is non-existent when she's griping and grizzling. After 4pm she's horrid (like most kids!). She wants me all the time. I'm training her to play alone for short periods in a travel cot filled with toys and actually she copes really well so long as I stay out of the way but she can hear me pottering; if I walk past she starts grizzling. Love takes time doesn't it....I feel guilty about how cold I can feel when she's like that because the second I pick her up she's climbing all over me, pulling my hair, accidentally whacking me, lobbing toys in my face, scratching at me...all fairly standard behaviour but it just zaps my patience and energy when I've been up since 6am caring for her all day!

Feel like such a cow saying it when this poor little mite has been uprooted from her only environment and is managing so well.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

LilyElf said:


> Feel like such a cow saying it when this poor little mite has been uprooted from her only environment and is managing so well.


I'm glad you've said it, because it makes me feel more normal and less of a cow!!!   You aren't on your own, believe me! I wish our (lovely, wonderful and amazing) foster carer had insisted on a good bedtime routine though, she's absolutely done a great job and we love her but that one thing makes me feel a bit cheated when I see my cousin's LO and her perfect routine for naps and bed. xxxxxx

(Sorry Wyxie, hijacked your thread there!)


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## MummyElf

Yes sorry wyxie -lol!!!   xx


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## Wyxie

No worries, we're finding the same with Bladelet re bedtime routines, or sleep routine at all.  

It worked fine in f/c's home, but with another young child it just doesn't work.  Luckily, he's young enough and tired enough that I'm managing to get him off when I need to more or less.  It's not that he's not tired, it's just that he's used to going to sleep with his bottle (milk, juice, doesn't matter what) and only then.  If something catches his eye, he'll go off and have a play for a bit and then maybe sleep an hour later, or an hour after that, or that's what it was like in f/c's house.  If he had a late night, he slept in the next day, so he really has dictated his own sleep patterns.  He's also never been left in a cot to go to sleep.  With him being so young it's not such an issue right now, although I'm sure the leaving in cot thing is going to be a big problem at some point.  He only ever sleeps in car, buggy, or in mine or hubby's arms.  F/c does that deliberately, keeping the bottle etc, to assist with bonding, which I actually do think is good, but I am dreading having to get him into going to sleep in a bed/cot at some point in the future.  We're leaving that one for a few months though.  

Atm he will, albeit after a bit of a grizzle if something catches his interest, go off if I insist he stays for a cuddle even when he wants to play at bedtime.  Longest it's taken me to get him to sleep is about 45 minutes - 1 hour which is actually not too bad.  He apparently woke in the night last night and screamed his head off for half an hour, hubby got up, I didn't even hear!

Honestly, I'm strict about bedtimes and routines partly because Wyxling needs it, and partly because I need it to cope with Wyxling.  I just need a break in the evenings, and Bladelet is, in this instance, going to have to fit into how our family does things.  It is going to take some doing over time though.  I also think with regard to the grizzly about being left briefly etc, routine helps a lot with children who've been moved.  I always do things round the house at the same time of day, I swim on the same days every week, everything follows the same basic pattern.  We go out to do different things, but we always go out roughly the same time in the morning and come home for lunch, then naps, then we play in house or garden or go for a little walk in the afternoon.  I sort the washing out at the same time every day, I do a little bit of housework - really not much atm, but I'm keeping it up to keep it in Wyxling's head that it's not a crime for Mummy to actually do something other than play with her (and now Bladelet) - same time every day.  I know it sounds silly, but after a few weeks these things get predictable and I think it makes it much easier.  At the moment I really am only doing the very basics while kids are awake and I'm here on my own.  I've not even had more than half a cup of tea a day this last week because I just can't manage making and then having the time to drink a drink into the schedule!

Weekends are a lot more varied, but I always keep mealtimes and a basic pattern of who does what the same.  Wyxling really really needs this, and I think Bladelet will start to feel better when he gets used to it.  He's already losing his anxiousness about me going in the kitchen to make breakfast in the morning, and then to do dishes after.  It does get harder throughout the day and coming on for tea time he's very, very needy poor little thing.  Unfortunately, that's also when Wyxling is ramping up nicely and needing a lot of one to one to try and keep her from boiling over.

Also, I hate TV, and I think kids watch far too much, but I would say that I've come round from my very firm position on this one when Wyxling was placed, to having it on a little more than I really like.  Normally I would guess about 2 hours a day in total now.  Kids who're struggling to settle, toddlers more than babies I think, really can settle a lot more with it on if they're used to it always being on (both f/c had TV on a lot) and as well as calming them, it can buy a little time to nip in the kitchen or to the bathroom!  Also, if your bathroom is big enough, toys in the bathroom, and somewhere for l/o to sit or stand.  Both our bathrooms are tiny and I often have two kids in tow when I go, it's bloody hard work.  Toilet trips at one point with just Wyxling were awful, but I just couldn't leave her alone, it was too much for her.  I do hate taking Wyxling to the toilet when I'm dealing with awful periods.  She has been quite upset in the past, but not as upset as by being left in the other room.  She now does say some very inappropriate things, which I can't seem to get her out of, mostly related to sanitary protection and things going up Mummy's bum!  She will quite often pick up random items at that time of the month and say "this, up Mummy's bum, yes?"  I have no idea how to stop her, any suggestions welcome! 

Bit rambley tonight, hopefully some useful ideas in there.  I wouldn't compare our kids to other people's at this stage in placement, don't worry about what they should and shouldn't be doing, just be Mummy and try to avoid expectations.  It's quite normal for children to significantly emotionally delayed at placement.  It can be hard to see this when they seem to be otherwise doing OK developmentally.  Emotional "age" can also vary a lot throughout the day, with it dropping significantly after a big tantrum or upset.

It's a big adjustment, we all make mistakes and get cross at times, I get cross with myself when I don't feel I've done well enough, or sad and disappointed with myself, but then I get to the end of the day, go through what's happened, and promise myself I will try harder the next day, to stay calm and think fast enough to do the right thing.


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## MummyElf

Sorry to laugh wyxie but the 'this up mummy's bum' is hilarious!!!     With LO I'm also weeing with the door open and dealing with any sanitary issues very quickly whilst she is looking the other way, but before long I shall be half closing the door and telling her to wait outside with a toy. I remember as a child following my mum to the loo! She always made me wait outside. But with wyxling I can see that being a drama. I put her in her playpen with toys if I need a bit of privacy and continue talking or whatever. 

Would it work - and I'm making stuff up on the spot- to use some sort of timer tool with W? Like we have a timer which is a cow and moos and you could tell her to wait outside and by the time the cow moos you'll be back? Or one of those giant sand timers that gives you 3 minutes to do your thing and when the sand stops you'll be back? Watching the sand /waiting for the moooooo might be a brief distraction! 

I really am thinking on my feet so feel free to ignore! xx


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## Wyxie

Yeah, I think at the moment I've just decided that there are bigger worries than a bit of personal embarrassment about questions asked.  Separation from Mummy isn't the one I really want to add in right now, but I know I'm going to have to tackle it at some point.  When she was first placed if left alone she would break things or deliberately hurt herself - sometimes quite badly, such as deliberately slamming her fingers in the door, or wacking her head against the radiator, or biting herself.  She simply couldn't deal with any form of separation, but then wanted to push me away all the time too, it was complicated, as these things always seem to be.  Tiny is also struggling with separation but in a much more normal way, he cries when I get up to do things.  Things have obviously improved since then.  Sometimes I do now go to the toilet without her at home, or just having the door open is enough, but often she wants to come.  Sometimes now I can ask her if she will look after Bladelet and make sure he's OK while I go, but only when she's in a good place already.  Often I do end up with two babies and me crammed into our tiny downstairs toilet, and it's less then convenient.  With Wyxling I had started just leaving the stairgate from the front room to the hall open if I went to the toilet, and so she could follow me if she wanted, but I can't do that with tiny here, because he has to go through the hall, and it's interesting selection of router wires, to get to the bathroom.  There are also three stairs before the stairgate (bendy stairs) which is fine with Wyxling, but not Bladelet, so actually we've gone backwards a bit there since being placed.  She certainly wouldn't cope with being left outside when we go to playgroup and I definitely can't leave the door open there!  

Today has been a very mixed day.  Hubby is poorly and like a bear with a sore backside, and has struggled to deal with the kids in the way they need, which hasn't been great for anyone.  

Having said that I've had great one to one time with Wyxling this morning, took her to play group on my own and we had a lovely walk there, did lots of our "regulating" games which work very well for her, and a good play there, she managed to play on her own for a little while and with a couple of other kids really nicely, and we did lots of stuff together.  Even more shockingly, I left her having a little roll around/throwing herself in and out the ball pool in a highly agitated state for a few minutes when she was miffed at me talking to someone, and she actually calmed herself down.  When I went over to pick her up and play with her afterwards she'd stopped, found something she was playing with, and had basically sorted herself out.  Almost unheard of.  We did have some whopping kick offs this afternoon but while Bladelet was asleep so it was easier to deal with and give it my full attention, but exhausting.  The morning ambush and get her dressed while she's sleepy still seems to be working.  Also had some absolutely lovely time with Bladelet this afternoon on my own, lots of snuggles and little play without toys, like you would with a smaller baby, he really is an incredibly rewarding baby to spend time with.  He really is struggling with being left with hubby though, and my god he grizzles when he's hungry and if you're not shovelling the food in fast enough for him!


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## Wyxie

Days of meetings!

HV was very nice, and I shall politely ignore most of her advice about weaning, feeding, and stopping using baby bottles.  

SW from theraplay was out this morning with some very helpful suggestions.  She also got to observe Wyxling in her home environment, although she narrowly missed the whopping great blow up we had this morning.

Our SW was out this afternoon.  Nice, as usual, and did witness a small Wyxling blow up which is the first time she's seen one, and both children at their adorable best playing together.  Bladelet is such a little smiler when he's in a comfortable place and I'm near, and no Wyxling kicking off of course.  He's an incredibly rewarding baby, he gives so much back for just a little bit of effort an very basic play.  I just wish I could do something to comfort him when he's getting tired, and feel awful whenever I have to put him down and he cries so hopelessly. 

As a result of all the meetings yesterday and today, other than a trip to the shop this morning, which was actually quite nice as we only went to a local shop and I let Wyxling take her bear in her new buggy, and I took Bladelet in mine, and she was very happy and playing all the way there and back, we haven't been out the house (garden excluded) since yesterday morning.  This is frankly terrifying with Wyxling, and I'm actually very pleased with myself and Wyxling for how we've managed the last couple of days.

I've had some really great play with Wyxling and Bladelet today, and they've been playing together nicely.  Wyxling has been incredibly stubborn and objectionable at times, and Bladelet has coped, but been very clingy after Wyxling's blow ups.  Bedtime with Wyxling went brilliantly, both times today, I was stunned.  She's also displaying some reassuringly normal utterly revolting toddler behaviour. 

Wyxling has said "why" about a million times in the last two days.  To everything.  Bladelet smiled lots when I sat him on my old toy donkey and Wyxling and I pushed him round the garden.  He's also definitely becoming a fan of sand and slides.  I'm hopeful he may start to enjoy being outdoors a little more soon.  It would make life much, much easier!

I'm utterly knackered.


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## Sq9

Sounds like all your hard work is paying off and things are settling down a little.  Look at how far you've come since this time last week. Take care


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## Wyxie

I can't believe how much better things are.

Had a relatively normal feeling day in my weird little world.  We went to play group - too soon for Bladelet I know, but it needed doing and I kept him in a sling until he wanted to have a look at a couple of things.  Wyxling didn't come to the toilet with me or with me when I changed Bladelet.  At first I thought she was just pushing me away way more than normal, but then I realised she'd sat herself down and was quite happily gluing bits of tissue to a parrot.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  I came back from changing Bladelet and she proudly presented me with the finished thing which she wanted to put on her door, and was half way through doing another for Bladelet to put on his door.  She had a whopping tantrum when we left in a very normal way, Bladelet was sick all over me (in the sling) and I had to carry them both to the car, which was about 1/4 of a mile away, and it didn't bother me.  Normal kid stuff like that just doesn't seem to phase me, I really thought I would struggle with stuff like that, but I was still pleased with myself for managing the situation.  Wyxling has been quite agitated on and off, sulky on and off, then desperate for cuddles.  She's also, bloody hell, played!  

I'm trying to let her work the agitation off with only a little help from me, some regulating stuff to help her come down a bit when she really needs it, and we only had one actual descent into proper rage and fighting, which was pretty late in the day. 

Bladelet was really whiny and clingy this morning, I don't mean that as a criticism, just a statement of fact.  He's been great for the rest though.  He really is such a lovely little smiler.  I had some nice time on my own with him today, and some really good play with both of them in the garden.  They napped when I wanted them to nap, with no fuss, and went to bed when I said they were going to bed, both of them happy.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up and realise it was a dream. 

We've been getting more sleep.  Wyxling's less agitated so she dozes in the morning rather than snapping wide awake and instantly demanding me.  Bladelet's just getting very mobile so he's knackered, and seems (touch wood) to be sleeping well despite the teething.  He's also eating me out of house and home and not particularly fussy, thank god.  I've never seen a kid so excited about an orange.  Bladelet really is a lovely, lovely baby.  He just responds so well to everything I can give him, and to everything in his surroundings that interests him.

We played in the garden all afternoon and actually, he seems to be getting more comfortable out there too.

I am utterly knackered, it's been an exhausting week, but so glad things are starting to go better.

I still feel awful when Wyxling kicks off and Bladelet cries and cries and cries for me.  It's not a great situation this early in placement, but I do only have one pair of hands.  I keep questioning whether I really do deal with Wyxling first in these situations because I need to, or because I love her more.  I am starting to accept that it's OK to love Wyxling more at the moment.  We have been through so much together over the last year it would be almost impossible not to, no matter how wonderful Bladelet is.  That depth and breadth of emotion takes time to come together.  I'm sure it will come in time.  I love him, he's the sort of baby it would be very hard not to love, but it's not the same yet.  I just worry that my feelings effect how I deal with them in difficult situations.  It's such a fine balance.

Collapse.

Edited to add: The parrot was made of paper!


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## Wyxie

My word, I never thought I'd say this, but Bladelet has been a lot more hard work than Wyxling today.  He's not been seriously hard work, for a baby who's teething, not had enough sleep, and far too hot, but really quite grumpy, and incredibly clingy.  He's cried every single time I've put him down today, without fail, and got really upset whenever I've cuddled Wyxling, or even picked her up to put her in her booster seat or car seat, and he keeps trying to pull her hair while I'm changing her.  But Wyxling has been, well, really really good.  She's the only one of the four of us who seems completely unperturbed by the heat.  I've been absolutely exhausted after a rough night's sleep, it was my turn for a lie in this morning but both kids woke at once so I ended up getting up and getting Wyxling dressed by which point I was pretty wide awake and never went back to sleep in the heat.  Hubby has been grumpy because he stayed up too late when it was his turn to get up early, gambling that the kids would sleep in until 7 as they have the last few days, which of course they didn't.

Anyway, we got up, sorted the washing, did the food shop - which I actually enjoyed with the three of us before Bladelet was here and we had a good hour or so with the four of us, weird though that may sound.  Wyxling loves helping find stuff, so one person spins Bladelet in the trolley, which he loves, and the other goes running off with Wyxling finding stuff and getting her to carry it back.  She does the whole thing at full run with sudden brakes on every time she nearly rams an old lady, and the whole thing is actually quite a jolly trip.  Odd, how life changes!  We played, Wyxling and hubby tried out the new hose and watered everything, and cleaned the car, Wyxling got soaked and had lots of fun, while I attempted vaguely to tidy carrying a very grumpy baby I couldn't put down.  The baby carrier is in the wash after he was sick all down it yesterday (and all down me, I might add, there's nothing like the feel of warm sick going down your cleavage to brighten your morning up!)  

We had a potter in the garden with them for an hour or so, Bladelet was still very grizzly and just wanted to be held all the time, which Wyxling was actually OK with, but when I put him down when she fell over and to give her a couple of cuddles he howled pathetically!  Poor little sod, must be really hard, and I feel terribly guilty, but he does need to learn to share a Mummy however hard that is right now.  He definitely got the lion's share of my time today.  I can't help feeling irritated when he's like this, which I know is completely unreasonable in the circumstances, he really is doing extremely well and is usually so easy to make smile, but it annoys me that he's taking so much away from Wyxling, and still thinks it isn't enough.  Clearly I understand that he's a baby so that's a ridiculous thing to think, but I simply can't help it.  I do try to hide it though, and as Wyxling seemed pretty happy today doing stuff with hubby and for me while I encouraged her and held Bladelet, I let him hog me, gracefully, and tried not to feel too guilty.

I did Wyxling's bed time tonight and we had a long bath, we were both filthy, and managed to get her into bed without any major incidents although she was a bit "up".  I really expected a blow up or horrendous bedtime because we hadn't had one all day, not since yesterday tea time, but it didn't materialise.  I even got a kiss at bedtime, which is by no means a given with Wyxling, and a smile and a wave good night.

Anyway, all in all, it felt like a quite normal family day, whatever one of those is.  I'm knackered and need to get some sleep tonight to deal with double trouble whatever time they decide to wake me tomorrow though.

Edited to add: The absolute high point of the day, which may sound strange, was putting Wyxling to bed this lunch time.  Hubby said the other day that Bladelet goes to sleep every day looking into his eyes, he has his milk and he just gazes at whoever is giving him his milk, and then falls asleep, still looking into your eyes.  It's something I can't really describe and it often makes me cry.  He also commented that Wyxling won't even meet our eyes most of the time, let alone look into them.  This is true, she tends to avoid eye contact.  The only time she does it is when she wants to make absolutely certain you're looking right at her when she's doing something she knows she shouldn't be, a sort of sulky stand off.  When hubby put it like that it really upset me.  I want to make back all the things we missed with wyxling, to somehow make up for it, and having Bladelet here is really driving home just how much we and she missed out on.  I'm finding this really hard at times.  Wyxling's been a bit better with eye contact recently though, and today when I put her down for her nap, it was just too hot for her to go to sleep while I cuddles her.  I put her into bed and sang to her.  I thought it probably wouldn't work, and that she'd just mess me around which she usually does if I try to stay while she's in bed, although she always wants me to stay, she wants me to stay so I can see what she's doing that she shouldn't be, and gets very agitated and wound up.  It's a bit odd, and hard to explain.  Anyway, today I put her in bed and she was still pretty wide awake, and she just said "Mummy stay" and I said yes, I always stay until she's asleep at nap time, and she told me she was tired.  I sang some songs to her and stroked her forehead like I do Bladelet's and she fell asleep looking right at me while her eyes slipped shut.  That's not something I ever thought Wyxling would let me do.  It made me feel incredibly emotional in a way I just can't quite describe.  I try not to have unrealistic hopes with Wyxling, then somethig really nice happens every now and then and they start, and it usually ends in disappointment, so I'm trying to just enjoy it for today, and remember how lovely it felt.


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## Wyxie

Another really quite good day, despite the lack of sleep last night, Bladelet woke me up 5 times, a combination of teething and heat, although I did at least manage to get him off again fairly easily each time, I definitely needed a nap when the kids did today!  I'm not sure what on earth is happening here though!  I'm still waiting for Wyxling to completely fall apart again but she's not done all weekend, although I am getting quite infuriated with the very sulky "why?" I get every time I ask her to do something she doesn't want to, or say no to something, that's pretty normal really for toddlers.  Actually she's been really bloody helpful for most of the weekend.  Tomorrow will be the real test with hubby in work again so I just need to hope for a better night's sleep tonight!

We went out this morning and had a good splash at the local water playground.  Bladelet, who a couple of weeks ago screamed as soon as he saw the bath, is now quite firmly sold on this, and hubby carried him round while he stuck his hands and feet into stuff, and helped him walk.  Bladelet was actually happy with hubby, which is good, hubby is really struggling to get good time with him as he just seems to want me at the moment, but they had a really good morning.  That left me free to run around and get absolutely drenched dragging Wyxling underneath all the freezing cold buckets of water and various other stuff, and help her use the water cannons, which she loves, but they're just a bit big for her to manage on her own.  This afternoon we managed to cram in some housework without too many problems, and spent the rest in the garden.  Hubby and I have hardly stopped all weekend, we're absolutely knackered, but both kids had a pretty happy afternoon playing in the garden and Wyxling helped out with lots of stuff, we had the paddling pool out, the cats were chased, donkey was ridden, and Wyxling's car was pushed round the garden about a million times.  Even more surprising, Bladelet was still smiling right up to dinner time - normally when things go very much south.  In fact Wyxling and I were crashed on the sofa watching a Mr Tumble and he was charging round the room at full speed with his toy cars and grinning like mad.

Bladelet is eating much better now, he was quite picky to start with.  I get the feeling if he missed meals he was often topped up on yoghurt and biscuits and extra formula milk, and that just doesn't happen here.  He wasn't incredibly fussy, but sandwiches in particular weren't going down, and he never ate all his dinner and always wanted Wyxling's yoghurt as well as his own, my banana etc.  The message seems to have got through that we get meals and snacks and puddings the same way every day, and he's happily eating everything that goes in front of him now.  He really liked the bolognaise we had today, and ate the lot, including the extra carrots we shove in it to make it better for them.  It was pretty good though, hubby makes a very good bolognaise.  Maybe next weekend he'll cope with me being in the kitchen for long enough to make a roast, unless it's hot enough for hubby to get out the bbq.  He's itching to use it, and I hate them and all the associated mess.

Anyway, good day, I'm far too hot, we're both knackered, but making the most of a relatively normal weekend with weather far too hot for us.

My Mum suddenly remembered a couple of days ago that she has grandkids, presumably because she was in Mothercare and it jogged her memory, at least that was where she called me from to ask what we needed for Bladelet.  I resisted the urge to say some interest, she means well, but she's just vague and struggles with day to day life sometimes.  I think she's having one of those times.  She also, along with my dad, has massive money problems and I really hate that she doesn't call for ages then wants to turn up and buy them lots of stuff.  It doesn't help and she can't afford it anyway.  I politely declined, and said I'd call her back, as our SW was here at the time - I only answered because I wanted to make sure she was OK with the lack of contact recently.  She then called back this weekend and invited herself down next week for a few hours.  I have tactfully uninvited her, and suggested some time in a few weeks might be better.  Just for Wyxling as much as anything, we need the stability and no extra confusion right now.

Now comes my grumble.  I have over the last few years lost count of the mount of times I have sent cards and gifts for new babies that my various friends and family have seemed very able to churn out, and often it's been incredibly hard to do that particularly around times when we've had losses and unsuccessful treatment.  I've done it for first, second, third and sometimes even fourth babies, and tried not to feel too bitter about it.  We got a lot or so when Wyxling was placed, I was still working and most of my work colleagues were really supportive, and from family, and that was really nice.  I have them all put away for when she's older along with some other things of sentimental value, to show her how welcomed she was by our friends and family.  Since Bladelet has been here we have received 2 cards, one from my in-laws, and one from our next door neighbours who we don't know brilliantly, but who are always very chatty and nice.  I can't help feeling massively disappointed.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

A totally legitimate moan.  As a third child myself I was often on the wrong end of people's first child favouritism and hate it. I also get what you mean about friends.  Like you we have bought gifts etc for many and I doubt we'll get the same when our time comes.  Mainly because their children are all at the same stages so they have all done stuff together.  We will be on our own path and likely to get quite forgotten.  However it's hard for you not to have those things to show your little boy as he grows up.  X x


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## Wyxie

Two steps forward, one step back.  Something I am trying to keep firmly in mind after today.  It wasn't as bad as it was 10 days ago, but bloody hell it wasn't good.  I was cranky.  Wyxling was testing.  It didn't go well together.  I made mistakes, I try to reason with her, it doesn't work, I end up being stricter with her, it also doesn't work, I know I'm doing it all wrong, I can't treat Wyxling like a normal toddler, let alone like a 5 or 6 year old, even though she seems to be functioning at quite a high level at times, but I am just fed up of it all and I can't help myself sometimes.  I know that I need to treat her younger, not older, but some days I just do things wrong.  It's incredibly frustrating, terrifying even at times, not to be able to have a bad day without awful results.  No-one can be their best all the time.

I've been watching a lot of doll house recently, the whole thing actually, start to finish.  I try to be my best.  Was I my best?  No, Wyxie, you were most definitely not your best today.

We did at least finish the day OK.  After hubby got home and I had a shower, got rid of several layers of sweat, sand, dirt, suncream, and baby vomit, along with probably other things I don't even want to think about, I did feel better.  Hubby had a dreadful time with Bladelet at bedtime, who probably just wanted me, he always does at bedtime or when he's tired/cranky/upset.  Both kids screamed their respective ways through bath time, Bladelet just wasn't happy with hubby putting him to bed at all, but after the inevitable big bedtime blow up, Wyxling was a bit more on track and went to bed calmed down, which at least gives us the potential for a slightly better start to the day tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will try again, to be my best.  

I will try harder.


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## GERTIE179

Aww Wxyie - you are doing tremendously well. Baby steps. You can't be perfect all the time and you are a wonderful mum to your beautiful children. Sending lots of positives vibes for tomorrow that you guys gave a better day again.

X x


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## Wyxie

I can't help but think that I could be better, I don't feel like I'm doing tremendously well, just getting from one day to the next and hoping for the best. 

I could be calmer, more inventive, I know that when I'm really doing my best with Wyxling things are much better, but keeping on distracting and moving things on and not letting her wind up, keeping her interested, entertained, but not letting her control, she responds well, but it's so hard to keep it up all the time.  I get tired, fed up, my mind just goes blank and I can't think of anything to do that she'll respond to.  Hubby and I talked this evening about making a list of good regulation based exercises (play) that I can distract her with when she starts to go, to try and bring her back.  I think that might help.  Bladelet is teething and combined with the heat, and my waking early in the mornings and then not getting back to sleep - worrying normally - I'm not thinking on my feet very well, and that's just not good enough for Wyxling.  I need to be quicker, but calmer, get the right balance between interest, fun, but not too much fun (excitement).  You'd think I could keep enough ideas in my head to deal with any given situation, but I just don't seem to be managing it always.  I introduce tired old stuff, that I know she won't respond to any more, I do things in the wrong order, I need to calm her, bring her down, before I can get her doing things which will encourage cooperation, it's just so hard and I don't think that way.

Wyxling really is the key to making things work in our family at the moment.  When things don't work with Wyxling, Bladelet doesn't get enough either, when they do, everyone is happy, or at least happier.  

I need to find a way to do better, but I find myself thinking slowly, sluggishly, and just letting her wind herself up more and more, then feeling I have to assert authority at some point, and she blows up.

I feel like it's a constant test of my abilities, in areas which just aren't really my strong point.  I used to be good at thinking on my feet, when I was younger, but at some point that went, and I just don't respond like I used to.  Then I feel resentful, I want to be able to be normal, have bad days, relax, but that's not for me.  I'm not a very relaxed person at the best of times although I try to fake it for the kids, but when they go to sleep all the anxieties and upset come out and I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by the prospect of things always being like this.

Maybe tomorrow, things will be better.  They probably will, hubby is at home.  Then I have three days on my own and I am determined to have a plan for stuff to do out the house, and deal with things well in the house.

Let's hope the plan works, they don't normally.

I think writing a list of activities that help when Wyxling is starting to ramp up is a good idea.  I normally need to adapt them on the go, and when I'm not tired and massively stressed I can do that, but at the moment it's a bit hit and miss.

I'm missing my one to one time with my little girl when we snuggle and read or watch TV, even though it was only a little bit.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Wyxie, don't beat yourself up.  The way I read it is that you ARE doing tremendously well and should be proud.  No one is ever perfect so don't strive to be.  Just strive to do your very best, and that is exactly what you are doing so far in what must be a very difficult and emotional situation.  You have come so far so quickly, and while a long way to go i'm sure you will keep taking those little steps forward.  If you don't believe in yourself read back a couple of weeks, and think, 'no, i'm doing alright'.  Big big   to you and your family xxxxx


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## Handstitchedmum

It really is perspective. You are the one holding the ruler and measuring yourself!

I know that someday it will be Wyxling holding the ruler against you and herself. And I'm sure the time you are investing now will help her resolve those teenage dilemmas and become a beautifully resilient young 20-something. Am I looking too far ahead? I just wonder who you are measuring yourself for. Wyxling? You? Your mother? (No need to answer on the forum, just provoking thought)

Now, I am the last person to deny someone the right to strive for perfectionism. After all, I'm having specialist therapy to break my own habit. ;-) I know this is a core part of your identity, much like it is mine, and all we can really do is find ways of putting the bloody ruler down sometimes. Or maybe just holding it behind our backs.

It's hard to take in the belief that we are "enough" when we are so good at seeing how we aren't. You absolutely could be better! And you will be better! But in order to be better, you had to be today first. And in order to be today, you had to be yesterday. And so on. 

That is all we ever are: getting from one day to the next and hoping for the best. 

I consider that to be an amazing achievement!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

You are doing amazing all of you have come so far in a short space of time. Please be kind to yourself and don't criticize yourself.


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## Wyxie

HSM, I am a perfectionist in some areas, but in others I really am quite haphazard.  I recently (a few years ago) did some studying again, first time since I left university, and I was surprised to discover that although it really made no difference in the long run, I still require top grades from myself, passing is simply not enough.

Gwynyth, I think it's important to self-criticise.  In this job, no-one else will do it for me, in the short term.  When we work we are accountable to colleagues, clients, and they will not hesitate to tell us if we are not living up to their expectations.  Being a Mum is different.  In this job there's only me, in the short term, to criticise me, analyse what is going well and what isn't, and that's the basis of improvement.  I have never done a job I have been more determined to do well, so for me, that's important.

I think for me, where Wyxling is concerned, I feel like we are walking on a very fine line, and which side of that line she ultimately falls, depends almost entirely on how much I can help her.  Right now, I feel like having a bad day, or even an OK day, personally, translates to a step backwards for Wyxling, and really I think what we manage to achieve over the next 12 months is likely to shape most of her childhood.  I am aware that I have become more than a little obsessive.  That is not entirely unprecedented with things that are important to me, although there's not been anything recent that has been important enough to me to bring that part of my personality out!  No, it's definitely not my Mother, although perhaps intolerance of anything resembling (my own) failure does have its origin in my upbringing, where good enough would never have been good enough for my parents.  However, I believe my obsession with getting things right and doing everything I can for Wyxling is simply a desire for her to have a "normal", or at least largely happy, childhood.  That is at least partly routed in rooted in selfishness, of course.

We had a better day today, and also Bladelet's 4 week review, which went absolutely fine and a lot of the discussion of course centred around Wyxling.  Bladelet is doing really well given the time he's been here.  We are having teething problems (umm, no pun intended, but literally and figuratively, now I think about it), but he's such a lovely, happy little dude most of the time.

At the review I was asked if I thought Wyxling's difficult personality was a result of trauma, or just how she would have been.  I said that I thought the extremes were a result of trauma, but that her tenacity (stubborness), and very much larger than life presence was her.  She is brilliant, beautiful, inventive, loving, moody, and most definitely wonderful.  She's like a whirlwind who just drags everyone along with her for the ride.  I don't think that's entirely due to trauma, but I do think the attachment issues, inability to regulate, and aggression towards me are based in trauma.  I was asked Bladelet's personality was like Wyxling's.  It isn't.  I think I am a mix of disappointed and relieved.  Part of me hoped for a little Wyxling without all the extra issues, part of me is relieved that Bladelet appears to be much calmer, and happily accepting of life.  Who knows what the future will bring though, all I am thinking about now, is tomorrow.

One day at a time.


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## Wyxie

I think Wyxling has stopped needing a nap.  Didn't have one today, heat is effecting us all, she was messing me around when I was trying to get her off to sleep, and in the end I left her to it and she didn't sleep.  She was pretty determined she didn't need one and tbh, she didn't really look that tired.  She did then fall asleep while my husband was sitting watching TV with her just before bedtime, however.  We always watch the bedtime story on CBeebies, then head upstairs for milk, stories, and bed.  Couldn't wake her up for her milk.

I am slightly saddened by how incredibly disheartened I feel at the prospect of getting through the day without that break from Wyxling.  I am exhausted by the time she sleeps and since Bladelet has been placed I've often grabbed a nap as well.  I need to start getting to bed earlier and sleeping better.  Heat isn't helping there either.

We had an explosion free day, at least, although I did have some pretty terrible behaviour from Wyxling and it feels like she's just going her own way at the moment.  I didn't get any nice snuggly time just the two of us.  Maybe tomorrow after Bladelet goes for a nap instead of putting her to bed, I'll sit down on the sofa with her and we'll have some cold juice and stories.  Hmmm, also attempting to potty train.  Awful timing, but I'm just so sick of the change related kick offs, and have given up on the idea that we may ever properly sort this out.  Maybe we'll sit on the floor if we're having juice!

I'm just re-establishing a routine at the moment, and working out the kinks.  Maybe once that's done, Wyxling will calm down some more, but I just don't feel like we ever have any nice "close" time, I so very much want to look after her, and she just wants, well, everything, and everything her own way.  It's a constant battle every day.  I try not to be too strict about things that don't really matter, but the more I give the more she takes.  She just won't come to me for cuddles and constantly pushes me away.  It feels like it doesn't matter what I do, she has made her mind up to be awkward about anything I want, and as she knows I want to cuddle her etc, she just isn't interested.

I'm disappointed in our relationship.  She just irritates me at the moment when she's not making me out and out furious.  I don't feel like we have any quality time together.  Maybe using Bladelet's nap time will help with this, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.  She's just not interested in time with Mummy unless it's absolutely on her terms, and she can out and out mess me around about everything.  Everything I give her, she doesn't want, she doesn't want her milk, she doesn't want her food, she doesn't want to have her hair brushed, suncream on.  She just flat out refuses, and I have to talk her into it, while she behaves atrociously.  I'm sick of being so bloody patient.  I just feel so down.  Bladelet wants me all the time, but I want Wyxling, and she's not having any of it.


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## Wyxie

Wyxling still being tricky, but I think I got the right mix of patience and not taking all the sh&t she puts my way today.  Who knows.  We are trying a slightly different approach for a few weeks and seeing how it goes.

Bladelet did really well, however.  Much less needy, although helped I think by me having more time to give him, but main big yay is sleeping!

He's never been put to sleep in his cot, has always gone to sleep in f/c's arms while having bottle then sucking on dummy, and then ours.  Early in placement we did try to just leave him in cot a couple of times and he just screamed so we decided not to push it so soon.  We were going to leave it a few months and then deal with it.  He's also never had set bedtimes until he came here.  We've had 3 1/2 weeks of set nap times and bed times now, give or take half an hour or so, but he's really been struggling to get to sleep while we're holding him sometimes because it's so bloomin' hot.  It's been taking 30 mins or so to get him off sometimes - not a lot, but it is when you have a toddler winding up in the background and deciding to be more and more problematic and then trying to keep him awake!

Anyway, I've been trying to get him drowsy, and then put him in his cot and stay and sing to him for 5 mins or so and he falls asleep, which has worked well, but I can only do that when someone else is here with Wyxling.  I simply wouldn't leave her unattended in the front room for 5-10 minutes while I put Bladelet to bed.  Today Wyxling was very determinedly trying to keep him awake when I was trying to get him to sleep on the sofa, and so I gave him his bottle downstairs at morning nap time, then took him upstairs and put him in the cot.  Give him a kiss and a stroke, put his favourite toy in arms reach, shut the curtains, and left.  He made a few little noises, not at all distressed, and was asleep in 5 minutes.  Did the same at lunch time and hubby did at bedtime.  He was absolutely fine and straight off to sleep.  Smiling and pointing at his cot mobile to have it put on when I went back in to get him up after both naps.  I keep thinking this was far, far too easy, but hoping it's for real.  He's a really sociable little smiler when he's got me near, and loves playing with any of the three of us, again, as long as he knows I'm near, but he's also very good at amusing himself with his toys and we've heard him sooth himself back to sleep after a little play when he's woke in the night before.  It's only when he's genuinely in distress (teething) that he actually wakes us, and he's always been pretty easy to get back to sleep just rocking and singing.

Dare I hope I might have one happy, calm, baby?  One would be nice!  Well done Bladelet.  He also didn't scream his entire way through bedtime with hubby tonight, which was a first.  In fact, I got a quick shower and cooked dinner when hubby got home, Bladelet was in a great mood, and played with hubby in the garden, I gave him and Wyxling their dinner, and hubby aeroplaned him out my arms and up the stairs before he thought to grizzle.  

Oh Wyxling, please get easier, I would love to enjoy our time together, but at the moment, it 's a chore 90% of the time.  I don't want to feel like that!


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## GERTIE179

Aww Wxyie - high 5 on the napping on own! Sorry to hear things are not as close with Wxyling as you had got to. It's hard when they push you away. I find little man quite testy at times again - doing lots of naughty/destructive things even though I'm playing with him. Very toddler independence but with a bit more intensity. Other than that were having lots of fun in the hot weather. 

You are doing a marvellous job and all you can do is be there and offer the unconditional love, she will come around but maybe in her own timescale. Does reverse physchology work any - ie something along the lines of well if Wxyling doesn't want to give mummy a cuddle Wxylings teddy/doll does so this will need to do unless Wxyling wants to give a cuddle 
xinstead?

Hugs in the meantime x


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the support, we're getting by at the moment. 

It's been a taxing few days, but I'm pleased with myself for how calm I'm staying with Wyxling and she is responding.  I have gone right back to basics and I feel like although the kick offs are still there, and the behaviour is still terrible at times, the "in between" time we're managing to have a bit of fun, and it's not a constant 24/7 fight for control, although it's not great.

Anyway, that aside, I just woke up Wyxling (terrible Mummy I am) to watch the frankly incredibly thunderstorm we just had here; I love thunderstorms and even after living in Manchester for some years (it's great for them) I have to say that was the most impressive one I can remember seeing.  Wyxling, as predicted, thought it was awesome, and snuggled up very happy, chatting, interested, where did it come from, what made the noise etc, and would I promise to definitely wake her up again if it came back.  Had a very wonderful 20 minutes with my special little girl, at her very, very best, lovely big cuddle, and back in bed with no fuss and straight back to sleep.

These things make it all worthwhile.

Bladelet is teething and poorly and teething some more (4 at once now, I think) and hot and bothered and actually cranky!  He has cried so much today, and woken me lots the last few nights.  He's a proper miserable little chap right now.  Dealing with Wyxling on the lack of sleep has been bloody hard.  She's sleeping through fine, mind you, but waking me very early, after Bladelet has finally crashed.  I am getting him back to sleep OK most of the time, he's soothed pretty well when I'm there and often OK to go back in the cot half asleep and just doze off after I've gone back to bed, but he's constantly waking up and unlike normal when he wakes, he's crying!  Shock and horror, I have a normal baby, and it's bloody hard work.  Not so much with Bladelet, I can cope with him in the day just fine, he doesn't even really mind if I kind of doze while we "play" together, but Wyxling on the other hand, is very, very hard work on not much sleep.  I am struggling.  I am managing OK with staying outwardly calm, but struggling to think ahead enough to avoid blow ups sometimes.

In addition, I locked myself out today when my key snapped in the lock.  Aside from the fact we could really do without the expense of an emergency call out for a locksmith, I had Bladelet and Wyxling with me, no car keys, no wallet, and I discovered when the sun finally came out, no suncream. By the time a neighbour who I don't know at all very kindly came out to see if we wanted to wait in their house we'd exhausted the amusement possibilities of Bladelet's 3 buggy toys and helping him walk round our very small front garden, and had progressed on to chasing each other round the car. As Bladelet can't walk yet, to make things fair, we were all crawling (Wyxling's idea). She very kindly didn't comment.  Wyxling then told our neighbours their TV was like ours, but small.

I'm eating the kids easter eggs at the moment.  People give babies and toddlers a stupid amount of chocolate these days.  Wyxling high on sugar?  No thanks!


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## gettina

Oh wyxie!!! 
That's all


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## Mummy DIY Diva

What a nightmare with the house glad a neighbour helped love  the image of you crawling around the car x x


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## Wyxie

I'm tired, incredibly tired if I'm honest, and things are far from perfect, but I am feeling very proud of myself for managing to stay calm and unphased by Wyxling for long enough we seem to be seeing some progress.  Wyxling is doing somewhat better, still a lot of bad stuff, but some good time too.  Bladelet is my big guilt, I'm giving him as much as I can, but honestly I really think he should be getting more than he is.  He's doing pretty well, sometimes it feels like he's doing really well, but I don't feel like he's getting enough from me when he's tired and upset later on in the day, when Wyxling is also normally ramping up nicely.  I think I am doing as much as I can and balancing things as well as I can.  I am concerned that Bladelet is going to learn behaviour from Wyxling, in particular that the more he does that he shouldn't do, the more attention he will get, in particular more holding, which Wyxling often fights but Bladelet then wants, but I can't really do more about that than I am at the moment.

Tomorrow my husband is out and I need to do bedtime on my own.  He's been home late all week and I've been managing bath time on my own, but the last bit is the hard bit, and I think Wyxling will be difficult.  Hubby not being home at her bedtime alone will be hard, it's been a while since he hasn't made it home for bedtime for her, and she's never dealt with it well.

One day at a time.


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## gettina

God luck with bedtime wyxie.
You're doing great.
Bladelet is so lucky to have such a sensible, loving thoughtful mummy.

Gettina


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## Wyxie

Had a very good day all things considered, one of the best we've had since Bladelet has been here.  Children are doing well and had lots of good time, and less blow ups than normal.  Wyxling was difficult at bedtime, but we got everything done without a major blow up which was very surprising given how much she wound herself up while I was getting Bladelet ready for bed!  She's actually been a little affectionate at times the last couple of days which is wonderful, although I try not to hope for too much.  We have had fun together.  Bladelet has seemed pretty happy a lot of today, other than when he's having his face or nose wiped which causes massive inconsolable upset!

I am, however, becoming irrationally upset that Wyxling won't call me Mummy any more, she insists on calling me Mum now most of the time.  She's doing it to get at me, and because I can't control what she calls me, and because she knows I absolutely hate it.  I could throttle my husband for ever using that in our house (he said it to Bladelet because it's easier to say, until I stopped him) but the main source is from a therapist whose used to dealing with older kids who has always referred to me as Mum, although I've asked her to use Mummy with Wyxling.  I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter, but she's only 2 1/2, and she's only been here 14 months.  The first 4 of those she wouldn't call me Mummy or anything else, completely refused, so I got about 10 months of being Mummy before it all went.  I am incredibly and irrationally upset by this little thing at the end of an otherwise very good day.  Every time she does it, I have to fight myself crying.  Hormones are in play again, I know that, and I'm trying to just ignore it and hope she goes back to using Mummy if that's how everyone else refers to me, but something tells me this is a Wyxling stubborn and if she knows it bothers me, which she clearly does, she isn't going to change anything.

The day was really good, compared to how things have been for the last few weeks, I know I should be happy, but I can't get this out of my head.

I want to be Mummy, I want a baby girl, I always wanted a baby girl from the minute we planned to adopt, but I didn't get one.  I got a very mixed up and difficult toddler whose never going to let me baby her properly or really be her Mummy completely; it will always be on her terms and with all her caveats attached.


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## Wyxie

I just said to my husband that this weekend has been the closest we've come to feeling like a normal family in 14 months, and he agreed.  Somehow, and for reasons we can't entirely put our finger on, things just felt better.  We've not done anything special really.  We've been shopping, played, gone to the park and saw some owls and parrots (Wyxling got given a parrot feather, which is now tucked up in bed with her) and this morning we took Bladelet swimming for the first time which was a huge success, much to my surprise and relief after all the bath time drama we had a few weeks ago.  I think Bladelet is starting to settle with us and get used to our daily routine.  Wyxling is gradually getting back to a calmer state.  Hubby and I actually spent some time together rather than just dealing with children and trying to organise who does what when.  

Wyxling has tested and been difficult and controlling at times, but also been playing more again, and actually affectionate at times.  She's also been more openly needy at times which is generally a positive thing with Wyxling.  I am trying to be completely calm and patient with her, and just treating her outbursts like I do Bladelet's.  Hubby struggles with this but has managed pretty well.  He just reacts before he thinks and is too stern with her at times and we know it doesn't work but I understand that, as he says, he doesn't get the practice I do because he's not here during the week.  She is responding well on the whole and testing behaviour/outbursts are getting less significant.  Bladelet is starting to want to stay with us for cuddles more, rather than just wanting to be picked up then go down, then picked up and down etc.  In general over the last week or so Bladelet has settled considerably, and is becoming a lot more comfortable with hubby thank goodness, which as well as making hubby generally happier, takes the pressure off me of course.

Hubby is starting a new job tomorrow and this is his first week back 5 days a week.  Realistically he won't be taking any days off barring emergencies for the next couple of months.  He's done 4 days for the last 4 weeks and the break mid-week has really helped me, but I know that Wyxling will be better once he gets back into a normal working pattern.  When hubby takes a day off mid-week I effectively get 2 Mondays, which are always the hardest.  

Tomorrow is Monday of course, and will no doubt be a tough one, but hopefully I'll be feeling rested and ready for it!


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## GERTIE179

Awe glad things are starting to feel normal and you can see the future family of four ;-)

I'm sure Wxyling will go back to using mummy in her own time (no doubt as soon as Bladelet does). It's difficult when we are only looking for small things but they really matter to us. It's sooo hard to not let then seeit annoys/upsets us. Lil man called me mama for about 4weeks and now nothing (speech has went backwards considerably but he's started using the other words he had again and has mastered Daddy & even tho he can say mummy he seems to not to or cannot associate it). I was telling the grandparent this the other week, and as considerate as ever "but is he saying granny yet"! Kid u not! Hey ho, I know I'm mummy & I know he's thriving so I'm trying to park my feelings.

Keep up the good work x x


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## Sq9

Glad things are settling down. Good luck for this week


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## Wyxie

Gertie, Wyxling picked up Daddy easier than Mummy too.  I guess because she already had a Mummy, but wasn't used to having a Daddy, and didn't really have much contact with men when in f/c.  I think at first she used it like a name, then for a while she called all men Daddy (great!)  For a while after placement her speech went backwards too - she just wouldn't talk a lot of the time.  Now she seldom stops of course, but she is still quite stubborn about speech and us trying to help her with pronunciation.  As a result she has a very, very good vocabulary now, but her pronunciation is awful.  She's finding it quite hard when she's trying to make friends because she's very big and so tends to end up with girls a little older than her, but then she can understand them but they can't understand her, and she gets quite fazed by that.  They also find it a little odd, because she's as big as most kids 12 months older, and very well coordinated and also very well behaved in general when we're out and about!  Our hairdresser assumed she was starting school in September when we went at the weekend, she's actually two years away from school.

She's just started trying to make a bit of an effort to say some words, but it's very hit and miss.  I'm not pushing it at the moment, because I think us over-encouraging her speech pushed her into her very stubborn control orientated "you can't make me do this so I won't, but I'll make sure you know I could if I wanted to" thing she sometimes gets into about stuff.  If she's not making some significant progress in the next couple of months I'll probably get speech and language involved to see if an outsider can get some cooperation.  That may well work.

The Mummy thing is a really tough one and I'm completely ignoring it at the moment.  She has been using Mummy more over the weekend, and when she's distressed she still uses Mummy.  It's just when she's winding up into an agitated state that this is one more act of defiance, so I get Mum, Mum, Mum and I think it upsets me because I know it's a sign she's getting into a bad place.

Grandparents!  Basically, yes, I could throttle them at times.  Although I actually haven't spoken to the in-laws for 4 weeks now, hubby has spoken on the phone to them, but I just haven't been ringing and they don't ask to speak to me when they call, so I guess we'll just leave it until we see them.  It'll have been about 8 weeks since they've seen Wyxling when they first come to see Bladelet, and he'll have been here for about 7 weeks at that point.  To be honest, though, I am fairly hopeful about Bladelet attaching well, it's more Wyxling's reaction to them and however well they deal with the situation that concerns me, and of course the knock on effect that has to our every day family life.  The more I think about it the more I get angry about the situation over the last few months.  Honestly, I'm not looking forward to seeing family that much.  We're seeing my parents in 2 weekends and hubby's in 3.  In laws have upset me a huge amount the last few times I've seen them.  I would very much like to tell them what I think of their priorities in terms of their needs and our children's well being and long term development, but I can't and anyway it wouldn't achieve anything other than very briefly making me feel better before I felt guilty for giving them a hard time when they've helped us so much in the past.

Hope everyone is well.  Not posting too much at the moment, but I read most things on here and try to keep up to date with what people are up to.  I'm trying to do more relaxing in the evenings as we seem to have a fairly solid plan for children at the moment, and I just need to recharge my batteries as much as I can.

I've also found something I'm actually enjoying watching.  Have done all of Dollhouse and 2 1/2 series of Castle in the last month or two, and need to finish it before our lovefilm sub (a Christmas present) runs out in a month or so's time!


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## GERTIE179

Excellent!! I loved Dollhouse & I'm a huge Castle fan - he's quite yummy too ;-)


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## Wyxie

To be honest, I would never have watched Castle, murder mystery isn't normally my thing, but I loved Serenity/Firefly and Nathan Fillion was great in that so decided to give it a go!  Really enjoying it.

Today was a Monday, Wyxling was freaked by hubby taking the car to work (new job) and had a constantly questioning day.  When's daddy home, daddy home now, who's putting who to bed, who's bathing who, where's Bladelet going to sleep, where's Wyxling going to sleep etc etc.  Bladelet was a grizzlemonster all morning and lots of the afternoon.  It was a testy day and hard work, but no major blow ups, and we did get some good time, although also quite a bit of not so good. 

Wyxling is tough at times largely because we're not getting blow ups so she's constantly bubbling along and I'm only managing to bring her down part of the way, and she's been very "oppositional" as professionals call it (defiant).  In actual fact this is an improvement, but this can be really hard as we're always on egg shells.  Bladelet at least was a happy chappy for bath and bed time.  Tomorrow I need to try and keep both happier, once I get into trying to deal with each one's bad phases, it becomes a cycle.  I calm one down, but in the process the other doesn't get any attention and/or winds themselves up, albeit in very different ways, and then I'm on to the other one, and we keep going until both of them go at once and for want of any other way of getting dinner sorted today, they were both sat in their respective seat/high chair while I got their food ready!

Let's hope for a calmer day tomorrow!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Watching Castle now, another favourite... 

Wyxie, I have such huge admiration for you, I am struggling with one child's tantrums, neediness and generally having to be on hand 24/7, how on earth you are still standing with the two of them I have no idea!  Amazing mummy!!!  xxx


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## Sq9

You're doing amazingly wyxie - look at how far you've come in the last few weeks.
I'm a castle fan too - don't have to concentrate too hard! Take care


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## Wyxie

Been a tough few days.  I've got far too much whizzing round my head and I'm just too tired to process it, or possibly I'm just not functioning properly.  I'm sleeping abysmally.  Sometimes I feel OK, and sometimes I'm struggling to cope, but mostly, I need a break.  I desperately need a break, but I know there's no possibility of one, so I need to carry on, but work out how to carry on and do things better.

Our SW came out today, after I rang her yesterday when I was at a loss for what to do.  I just don't know what to do for the best, and I need someone to tell me.  Something is just very badly not right with Wyxling, and no matter what I do, the bad days keep getting worse.  I am starting to feel like she needs help, rather than us needing help to deal with her and help her.  SW asked me did I think she was on the autistic spectrum, and I said I don't.  I don't think she's autistic, she is able to do things, sometimes, which most autistic people simply aren't able to do.  She displays empathy, albeit rarely, she has a very good imagination, when I can engage it.  Although as I said to our SW, I am not an expert, but even if I was, she's too young to diagnose.  Wyxling is also doing incredibly well with my husband, better than ever, when they're together and I watch them, everything seems to be almost normal, she wants him, responds well to him, but when it's just us she is most definitely not right.  Her anxiety levels are very high, but it feels like the real problem is us.  Wyxling and me.  I don't know what to do.  Sometimes I wonder if there is anything I can ever do to put right the damage that's already been done.

Hubby did something that really didn't help this week, I should have been angry with him, I wanted to be angry with him, but I am just so tired.  I wanted to tell him if he did it again I would leave and take the children with me, but I know that in reality that's not true.  We talked and he agreed it was a mistake.  He's finding it hard.  He says Wyxling just uses me as a punchbag.  Some days that feels true.  She's been hair pulling a lot recently, it sounds so little and childish, but she's ripped huge chunks of my hair out and once she gets her hands in it I can't get them out, she just keeps regrabbing as soon as I get one hand out.  One day this week I just decided to cut it off.  Hubby wouldn't let me.  He said I was being irrational, and that it would freak Wyxling out.  I just want to get rid of it though.  I hate myself with short hair, but honestly, I have so little left of me anyway that cares about what I look like or feels attractive, I don't care any more.  She hits, scratches, gouges my eyes, nose, puts her fingers in her poo and tries to put them in my mouth, she's started kicking off now after I take her nappy off when I change her, so when I'm trying to keep her under control she wees all over me, normally several times a day.  I'm constantly changing me and her and cleaning up and washing clothes.  She tears my clothes, pulls at them so nothing fits me any more.  I never wear anything that's not falling apart.  I don't have a single bra left that fits because she's pulled and torn at them all so much.  I can manage it all, but not the hair pulling, because of how she responds.  It takes both of my hands to get one hand out of my hair, so while I'm getting one out, the other one goes back in, she gets really high of it, laughs, swings all her weight against me, it just gets her into the most awful state.  Mostly, she is very unhappy a lot of the time, and when she smiles and laughs right now, it's almost always excitement related, not happiness.  She just so rarely settles.

Then some days she is fine, and I start to hope we're getting somewhere again.  Today has been a really good day in Wyxling world, and I feel like I've let it pass me by and not made the most of it.  I'm just so tired.

I called our SW yesterday because I was just out of ideas, I need help with Wyxling.  She came out today, and Wyxling was having a good day, and I felt a bit silly.  I got Wyxling up while she was here, and she was cuddly, snuggly, how she hasn't been for a long time really, hardly ever.  I had just spent an hour trying to explain how much she needed help and how badly she was coping, and then I had the perfect child, as always, when someone's here who could possibly help.  I need to call her again when I'm being a bit more rational than I have been this week.  We're going to see someone fairly soon to talk about problems and see what needs to happen next.  I also called AUK yesterday, they suggested we delay applying for the AO for Bladelet until we have a proper support plan in place.  I'm due to see Bladelet's SW next week, so will talk to her, also been trying to get in touch with the theraplay people but haven't been able to get through this week.

I am just so tired, and also alone.  I know I don't always feel like this, but right now I feel so completely depressed, I just can't see how I can keep doing this and not letting the cracks show to Wyxling and Bladelet.  That's not the sort of Mum I want to be.

Oddly, starting to feel a little better now.  Maybe all I really need for me is someone to talk to who actually gets it, something I really don't have.  Hubby is too involved, even though he tries very hard to be supportive and generally thinks I do well with both of them, but I don't have anyone outside at all.  Wyxling needs help though, and I need to get myself sorted out enough to fight for it, and not let myself get fobbed off with vague talk about things we could do in the future, and it taking time.  

Bladelet, despite all this, is doing OK, but I'm worried about the long term effects on him, and how I'll cope if we end up with two very damaged children.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sending loads of   I really hope SW's listen and give Wyxling the support she needs. AUK I'm sure will have a lot of experience in how to ensure the best outcomes when trying to get help x x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Sending you very big hugs xxxxxx


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## Sq9

. I can't offer any advice about how to deal with what you are going through, but you are amazing xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the support guys.  Sometimes I absolutely know we are getting there, that's how I feel today, both others I just feel like things will never be right.  I think it's in part my own mood and I've spoken to GP about possible depression/very wide mood swings.  I go from being completely confident and feeling like despite the problems, I'm doing as much as I can and getting lots of progress, to feeling incredibly down and like things will just go from bad to worse.  Most of the time I'm OK, but when I'm getting down about it, I get really, really down.  Things have been OK since last week, and I got myself sorted out and managed to have a few good days with both children, despite Wyxling's obvious issues, some of which are very normal toddler and some of which aren't, she's like a toddler++.

We had a nice weekend, although it was hard work at times we also had some wonderful moments with both children.  On Saturday Wyxling learned to ride her bike and she was so very, very happy (with stabilizers of course, she's only 2 1/2!).  I've been telling hubby for ages I think she really lacks confidence and a lot of the times when she's sullenly refusing to try things, like pronouncing words right, there's a real fear of failure in there.  The bike is one of the things she's been refusing to try, but we got her on it, and managed to get her to try to do it, and she managed to cycle all the way round the block on her own.  She also went half way round the park on it on Sunday, with a fall off but that's not something that normally bothers Wyxling, not being able to do it would be a much bigger worry for her.  I often feel like she's afraid to really try in case she can't do things and she's worried about our reaction.  I give her so much praise for everything positive I can see that she does, but it never seems to completely overcome it.

Bladelet also took his first very wobbly steps this weekend before falling on his bum.  He's been trying so hard for the last week or so to walk and he shouts himself on in the cutest way when he's willing his little feet to move without him toppling over.  Today's Monday and Mondays are always tough, but we've managed OK despite quite a few kick offs from Wyxling.

We will get there, I hope.

Gertie, thanks for the PM, I hope things are getting better.

I am trying very very hard to focus on the positive.  I am much better off with our children than I ever would have been without them, I just hope I can give them enough.  Wyxling isn't the only one whose afraid of failure.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

What a weekend of success well done two very mobile children. I think being able to write your down days down on here helps a lot (it does me anyway) . Keep going you are doing amazing x x


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## gettina

I never know what to say to you if I read a couple of of your diary entries together wyxie as they bounce around between despair and fear; and fun, pleasure and hope! 
You didn't say if the SW was any help? I'm rather judgementally thinking not but I so. 
I also hope you've had some sleep and feel a smidge less tired than a few days ago.
Wyxling sounds somewhere between toddler plus as you say and more than a bit mixed up. But as someone who has no childcare experience what do I know. I just want to back you, in terms of acknowledging how much you are handling, based objectively on the facts you are sharing. I so hope and fwiw do believe that any damage can be like cracks that can be healed up.
Lovely news on the cycling and walking achievements in the wyxie household. 
I hope you have all had a couple of decent days this week. 
Sending love and strength.
Gettina


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## Wyxie

I rarely read back over posts I make when I'm feeling low, and when I do it makes me distinctly uncomfortable for a whole host of reasons far too complicated to want to think about right now.

Our SW didn't come out to try and help herself, mostly just to give some support.  She's aware I'm quite isolated at the moment given the situation with our respective families, and that really I don't have anyone who "gets" how difficult things can be beyond the fact that two small kids is pretty hard work anyway.  My Mother has some problems keeping herself planted in reality at times, and we seem to have hit one of those times.  My husband's parents have been frosty at best since we asked them to take a big step back with Wyxling.  I felt better for talking to her, she's been kicking around in our lives for nearly 2 years now and we've seen a lot of her really between two assessments and placements straight after each other.  I have always quite liked her.  We did talk about other avenues for getting help for Wyxling, and I'm pursuing those, but it's never quick.  Bladelet's SW is due out tomorrow, and I plan to speak to her about possible support there too, and what options may be available to us.

In the meantime we are doing OK this week.  I still don't think I'm giving Bladelet enough, but I'm keeping Wyxling going along OK.  We've had a reasonable week, although Monday was very hard I felt at least like I was in control.  Wyxling is doing better this week overall and we have had some good time.  I am worried about my lack of one to one time with Bladelet.  Bladelet sometimes plays happily with his toys and I get time to focus on Wyxling, but Wyxling never does anything without constant reference to me, so Bladelet doesn't get that one to one attention much at all while my husband is at work.  He really needs it and I need him to have it.  He's really really cranky at times as well, I think it's pretty normal for his age, he's just getting mobile and I'm having to say no a lot and remove things he's not meant to have etc, and he's not taking it well!

I took the kids out this afternoon to a party at playgroup, skipped nap time, and let them eat lots of sugar.  This does not come highly recommended!


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## Wyxie

I love my kids so much, they're incredible, and I simply cannot imagine life without them here.  Also incredibly difficult (not to mention awkward, sulky, defiant and troublesome), but incredible none the less.

Wyxling rode her bike almost 2 miles today!  She fell off twice, and got back on.  She also rammed my ankle so hard it's now twice it's previous size, while looking at a puppy that was behind us.  How I did not swear I do not know!  I also managed to convince her there was no serious harm done, and hobbled the rest of the way home, largely by leaning on Bladelet's buggy.  Bladelet was great, smiley, and dealt with my parents' first visit very well, although he completely lost it at bedtime after they'd gone, and I think it stressed him out.  My parents completely overstepped the boundaries I'd asked them to observe with both children, and I'm a bit cross.  Wyxling was stressed by their visit, and very anxious about when we'd see them again, and when Daddy would be home (he drove them to the train station, a journey she knows is around a 15 minute round trip).

I did well with both of them today.  Bladelet has some seriously cool new toys, and I'm trying to keep Wyxling away.

I got Wyxling a space hopper.  I want to get me an adult size one too.  I also let her have my husbands 7 or 8 year old mobile which has a camera on.  She then proceeded to learn how to use it in about 15 minutes flat and walked into the bathroom while I was having a shower and took some photos of me taking the rare opportunity of shaving my bikini line.  Hubby was well chuffed.


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## Wyxie

Good days, terrible days, difficult developments, husband struggling not to get angry and family not helping. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster at the moment, and no idea what to do except take each day moment by moment and hope for the best. I am also waiting on some meetings about Wyxling to see what help may be available longer term. Husband is very angry, at times with Wyxling, which isn't helping, and especially with his parents right now. They visited yesterday and were pretty awful really. They weren't really interested in Bladelet at all, just in seeing Wyxling, doing things we'd asked them not to do, and getting huffy when hubby stepped in on one occasion. MIL was rude and wouldn't really talk to me when hubby wasn't in the room, and dismissive of problems we're having with Wyxling.

Overall I'm tired, I'm stressing about keeping Bladelet safe, I can't leave him with Wyxling even for a couple of seconds to get a drink from the kitchen or she _will_ hurt him, and Wyxling is in a terrible state of upset/hurt/confused a lot of the time. She is being more affectionate with me at times, so that is good, but I'm finding coping with the behaviour, and keeping my husband calm, or dealing with things when he's very hostile and angry with Wyxling, increasingly hard.

We did, however, have some nice time together this week, and I'm trying to keep things in perspective.

Here's hoping for a nicer week.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hey lovely  

It truly sounds like a rollercoaster of massive ups and downs and your emotional health must be taking a battering at the moment, for that i'm so sorry    The little windows of hope must be wonderful, but as you say, Wyxling is clearly struggling the poor little thing.  Are you any closer to getting her, and you all, some help?  With everything else you really do not need interfering MILs who think they know best and undoing all the hard work.  Also to ignoreyour baby son   I just don't understand, so I really don't know how you must be feeling.  I can't imagine how hurtful and frustrating that is.  I'm sorry it's adding to tensions  

I hope that this week brings more of the nice times that you describe.  The love for your children is so clear to read, I really hope you and hubby can pull together and enjoy family life soon    

Thinking of you often


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## Wyxie

I am tired, but we are managing, just.  Hubby has been great this last week.  I pretty much burned out at the weekend, I've been struggling to cope for the last couple of weeks.  I just need a break so badly.  I can enjoy what I do, but I need some time off, and I'm struggling to see any way to get it.  Both of my children are so incredibly needy in their own very different ways, I am constantly trying to balance everything, head things off, find ways to brush stuff over, try not to get irritated by Wyxling constantly trying her best to push boundaries and, well, irritate me.  She's very good at it.  I sometimes feel like I should be doing better.

I just wrote this somewhere else and think it's appropriate here.

As a stay at home mum I feel like logically my house should shine, and my kids should be somehow entertained and engaged in lots of stimulating and creative wonderfulness.  All this while keeping up a nice social calender with other Mums.  In reality the TV is on more and more just because it helps keep Wyxling from blowing up, and I hate it, I never have time to do anything creative with them because they can't handle the set up and clear up time, and the whole thing just gets so stressful it ends in sulky Wyxling determined to spoil everything.  I am lucky if I manage to read a handful of books with them each day and sit down on the floor and play far less than I would like to, while attempting to stay on top of the million things I need to do and then redo and redo for them.  My house is a tip, and is barely clean enough at times, the kitchen is a complete dumping ground and certainly a health and safety hazard, because it's the only place the kids absolutely never go in.  Others I just think I'm knackered, I ache from head to toe permanently from the physical lifting/pushing and assorted struggles with both children, my legs are covered in bruises from being kicked and my arms are in a horrendous state from being bitten half a dozen times a day.  If I got through the day without screaming at either of them, stayed calm enough to do all the managing Wyxling needs, and we managed to have some good time to pay back the huge amount of effort that's going into trying to keep Wyxling relatively calm (and it is relatively at the moment) and not blowing up too much, then I'll call it a win and collapse.

It's hard, no-one really gets what it's like.  It can be immensely rewarding and I love both my kids so much, I'd never change anything, but it's hard, and for me there is simply no respite at all, which is why I think I'm finding it so hard.  I just need a break.  Hubby looked after kids on Saturday morning, mostly, so I managed to get some sleep, because I was about to collapse in a sobbing heap somewhere.  He also looked after them on Sunday morning for a couple of hours after I did the early morning session.  That's the biggest break I've had in 15 months, and trust me neither child was happy about it and I paid for it afterwards, but actually it did leave me feeling considerably better and ready to face the week.

Wyxling started theraplay again this week, sooner than originally planned.  I had mixed feelings about the session, her cooperation was sketchy at times, and it can be frustrating, but there were some definite big positives in it.  I'm seeing them again next week.  In the meantime, they are suggesting nursery for Wyxling as a way to give me some respite, but I'm not sure.  We go out each morning to play groups and the like and that is normally our best time together.  I'm not sure what to do really.  Nursery feels like giving in, and admitting I just can't do anything more to help.  Letting Wyxling be someone else's problem for part of the day.  I'm also not really sure it will help right now.  I feel like we need to be at home together at the moment.

Who knows, we'll see what happens over the next few weeks and then decide, I guess.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

All the stay at home mums I know with more than one child still have a cleaner and have their children in nursery or pre school for some sessions. People aren't always honest about how they  make things look easy.  DH laughs that I am the only one that works and the only one that cleans her own home.  

Obviously a cleaner is an expense and a stranger coming in so not a solution.  What I am saying is people are very good at claiming to be super woman but not very honest about how it is achieved.  Nursery a morning or 2 isn't failure at all if Wyxling enjoys it then it's a great positive to give your little boy some one to one time x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

My cousin has a cleaner come in twice a week and she has one birth daughter age almost 3 who goes to nursery twice a week...  She can't understand why we don't have a cleaner too!  TBH, I need someone to tidy rather than clean, the house is a tip! 

I certainly wouldn't feel guilty for sending Wyxling to nursery if she enjoyed it, it would give you a really good break and that would be good for both of you.  BB has only been home 2 months and I'm making enquiries about nursery places, I'd like 2 mornings a week from when he's 2 and a half if he likes it and settles well.  I know Wyxling's issues are different but if you tried it and she didn't settle then you obviously wouldn't make her stay, however I really think if she did get on ok it would do you both the world of good.  

I'm desperately trying to get BB interested in a couple of good programmes so that I can distract him with the TV, he's just not a TV kinda kid, aren't I awful... lol.  Needs must sometimes though and I think you should cut yourself some slack! BB is much less demanding than Wyxling and Bladelet, plus there is only one of him and yet I am still finding it really, really hard work!  The more we bond the more rewarding it gets but I find myself wishing his life away, counting down the months to his 3rd birthday because I have it in my head that 3 is a magic number!


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies.  

I think my big problem with nursery is that I don't think she'd enjoy it, I think she'd hate being left, and be completely overwhelmed by it.  I think it would be really stressful for her right now, and the last thing we need is more Wyxling stress because it just makes things worse.  It feels too soon.  It's also looking like we can't get funding so I can't send her now anyway.  We can't afford to pay for nursery with me not working.  She's due for state nursery in January.  We'd planned to leave it until the following September but I'm leaning towards sending her in January, if they'll let her start just a couple of days a week for half a term, rather than having to go straight in for 5 mornings.  That would give us another four or five months, in the meantime she's having theraplay and that's helped in the past, and I think it may do again, although how much I'm not sure.  

I would love a cleaner.  Tbh, most mums I know don't have a cleaner and do still manage to get most stuff done, often plus working part time.  I guess their kids are just easier and can entertain themselves a bit.  I think part of it is I'm so tired when they go to bed, I just don't want to do anything except collapse.  I mean I've worked full time and some very long hours at times in the past, and had a social life, and still had a clean and tidy house.  If I could do it then, why not now?  If I could get past how tired I am right now I could manage a whole lot better.


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## GERTIE179

Aww petal big hugs. Tiredness (also exhaustion) makes everything seem worse. Try not to stress about housework.

It only now over 8 months in that lil man can entertain himself alongside me whilst I get little bits of housework done. I still can't manage big jobs whilst he's about. I'm very lucky as DH is about a lot of the week as he works from home a lot. Otherwise jobs get done during naps or when daddy is in bath time duty. I've no idea how I could manage with 2 and with Bladelet being place still recently. I know its hard but try and not compare to other sahm mums as they are not being the brilliant mummy you are being to Wxyling & Bladelet.

January is not too long away and may help you know there's a date for some time back. That may help you keep your energy up for them both just now. I wonder if Wxyling may surprise you with nursery as she's so bright it may give her an outlet for that and its bound to tire her too. It's not like you are using it as daycare or sending her for long periods (I hope they work with you for the 2/3 days you want rather than 5days straight away). Hugs as its still really difficult to know isn't it. If only we had crystal balls.

Please be kind to yourself.
X x


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## Sq9

Big hugs wyxie. You are doing such an amazing, amazing job. Xx


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## gettina

Hugs wyxie. You are doing a tough job, you are not superwoman (though you sound quite close to me) and the job of settling and loving and stimulating two children, one v v challenging, is, as you know so much more important than tidying.
Great that hubby did a good stint with the children at the w/e. This might feel like pushing it but i wonder if you two could make an agreement that he does that one morning or afternoon every second w/e or even one a month that goes in the diary and you can then look forward to a sleep or a swim or whatever, knowing it is going to happen? Might help keep you sane!  

Gettina xx


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## Wyxie

We met with Bladelet's foster carer's today.  The LA that placed Bladelet does a 6 week meet up, although ours was a little late, nearer 10 weeks.

It was was nice to see them, I'd like to keep in touch with Bladelet's foster carers, but it was not good timing.  Maybe if we'd done it much sooner, just a couple of weeks after placement, it might have been better, but I'm not convinced.  Either way, it was either too late or way, way too soon for a baby who simply doesn't understand what's going on.  He enjoyed seeing them, but was very easily distressed and bouncing from wanting to go to me, then to f/c, then to me, and he's been incredibly distressed and clingy for the rest of the day.  We also seem to have lost all progress made in getting him to accept hubby as well as me for comfort and care.  I'm hoping it's not long lasting.

I would like to try and keep in touch with them, aside from the wonderful job they've done with Bladelet in giving him the best start he could really have had in the circumstances, and in helping him move on, I actually really like them both.  But, I really do think we need a long break before Bladelet sees them again.  I feel like he needs to forget them, and then get to know them again, in a different role in his life, or the relationship is going to be too confusing and undermine the relationship he has with us.  I hope we can make it work, but for today, I just have a very upset little boy.  My husband and I both expressed the view in the past that we feel this meet up is more for the foster carers than for the child when they're this young, and I think that certainly seemed the case today.  He's been so unhappy and needy this afternoon and evening.  He is also poorly and teething which isn't helping, but he's also been so completely little and lost any time he's not been in my arms.

I did manage to get him down to bed OK.  He's so incredibly great to put to bed.  It doesn't matter how upset he is, we go in his room, he has a big snuggle while I sing him some songs.  Sometimes he falls asleep, but usually he's quite wriggly - I honestly think it's just that my boobs are so much smaller than his foster carer's he struggles to get comfy, he always has a good go then comes up looking disappointed - and wants to be put in his cot.  He points to have his cot mobile on, giggles while we play a bit of peekaboo, then waves and smiles me out the door as I blow him kisses.  Once the mobile finishes, he settles down and goes to sleep.  Sometimes I get a little pathetic "ahur ahur" as I go up to bed, to let me know I've woken him up and he wants some snuggles before I go to sleep.  

Wyxling is all over the place this weekend though.  We're getting some really good progress in some areas, I'm getting some genuine affection, she's putting effort into doing nice things for me, and with me, but on the flip side the agitation/behaviour/rages and just general upset is quite extreme at the moment.  We were told things were likely to go backwards before they went forwards when we started the theraplay again, and I could see that being the case with Wyxling as anything that makes her feel vulnerable at times, will make her fight all the harder.  My instincts say this feels correct.  Her behaviour is changing, not so much what she's doing, but how things unfold and how they end.  It could just be that she was really unsettled by seeing Bladelet's foster carers though.  We have had a couple of days of anxiety and constant questioning about who was going to be going where with who after we told her we were seeing them.

Anyway, tough weekend, but I'm actually feeling quite positive about where we're going, except for Hubby.  Hubby is struggling to hide his feelings when Wyxling is kicking off with me, and I simply don't seem to be able to get through to him that it's not malicious or her fault.  He just isn't dealing with it at all well.  I want him to come to some of the meetings about Wyxling with me, at least one to talk about how he's feeling because he simply can't hide his feelings and so of course Wyxling knows that he's being really cold to her at times, it would be almost impossible for anyone to miss it.  I can't seem to get him to talk to me about it properly.  He just says it's a waste of their time that should be spent on Wyxling.  I don't seem to be able to get through to him that the support is for us as a family in dealing with Wyxling's problems, not a magic way of teaching Wyxling to behave nicely.  I'm going to speak to therapist this week and ask if she would come and meet with him.  I think if she agrees, which I'm sure she will as she visits me regularly, then he will go along with that, and hopefully it will help him understand.  It feels like his hostility is a really big problem and I'm not sure how to get him to deal with it.

Well, I don't have an answer, so as it's the weekend, I think it'll have to be a glass of wine, chocolates, snuggle the cats and get an early night.


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## Wyxie

I'm tired, and have coped horrendously badly with Wyxling the last two days.  She's been mega difficult, and I just haven't done very well.  I've shouted at her, taken stuff away, not let her watch TV, and said some really horrible things.  Hubby came home today and found me upset and her in major defiance mode and was really awful to her.  He is increasingly convinced she's just a bad person, and I don't know how to help her best.  I even slapped her face this afternoon, not hard, but I still can't believe I did it.  She was so incredibly agitated and just laughing while she tried to hurt me and Bladelet and I just reacted.  It did snap her out of it but it was the worst thing to do I'm sure.

I need some adult company, and some support for me.  I keep getting promises, but nothing ever comes of it.

I also really need to get husband on board.  He just said tonight he loves her, but she makes him miserable and he wishes we had never had her.  He thinks she's malicious in trying to hurt me and Bladelet all the time.  I'm wondering if there is something wrong other than attachment issues, but I can't believe that a child whose not yet 3 is malicious or bad.  I feel like he's giving up on her, and I'm scared that I can't manage to help her on my own.  I feel like I need to hide the real situation from him, in order to get him to be nicer to her, but it's hard.

I have several meetings over the next couple of weeks which I guess I need to use to see what support if any I can try and get out of people.

I feel a huge amount of resentment towards Bladelet for stopping me from being able to focus on Wyxling.  I know it's completely irrational, it was our choice, and he's just a baby, but I can't help feeling like that when Wyxling is being difficult and he's also being needy at the same time.

I hope I feel better in the morning, and it's just another low mood making things seem worse.  I can never tell.


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## Sq9

.  I wish I could say something to make it all right for you.  You are doing such an amazing job in very difficult circumstances.  I really hope tomorrow things seems a bit easier.  We are all here for you xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Oh heck!  I don't really know what to say to help, feel utterly unqualified... However, I did read up when BB was slapping and kicking the dogs and my research said LO's this age aren't malicious or mean, they don't understand that their reactions hurt they just know they get rid of tension and get them attention I think.  I truly hope someone can offer you some help that you need.

Don't feel too awful about your reactions today, it was a particularly bad day and you reacted in a way you aren't happy about, tomorrow is a new day. I'm sending you loads of cyber hugs because I have also reacted badly in the past 2 months and I know how you feel, at least in that respect if I don't understand fully the hard work and heartache you are facing xxxx


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## gettina

wyxie. Life sounds hard. Too hard. I hope you do indeed all get the support you seek in the coming weeks. 
This is an ignorant clutching at straws type suggestion based on a modicum of reading and building on mak's suggestion about getting rid of tension and it's that I've heard giving them time on a trampoline can bounce out some agitation...
Sending love 
Gettina


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sending lots of hugs to you.  Wish I could do something more practical and real x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh Wyxie   I'm so sorry times are so hard in so many ways. Please don't beat yourself up, you are doing all you possibly can right now. Also hoping quality support comes your way fast. You and your family are in my thoughts


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the messages.  Today has been better.  In reality we've staved off problems by being out the house for most of the day, but Wyxling had an OK day and did some really positive stuff, and we got through the day without any major problems, although I think we only narrowly avoided it because it was hubby's turn to put Wyxling to bed.  Hubby is feeling better and I'm hoping we get another decent day tomorrow.  I need to get myself ready to cope with Monday.  I need to try and get Wyxling to do stuff with me she really enjoys.  She's so resistant to anything I try and do with her, and messes me around so badly, I find it almost impossible to do the fun stuff with her that others can.  Anyway, thanks, I am in desparate need of somewhere to let off steam right now.  

It was hubby's birthday yesterday and it was a disaster.  We did a bit of a replay today and he has had a better day and I think that helped. 

Both our cats are being adorable.  Completely, totally, adorable.  That also helps.


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## Caledonia

I know I am very unaware of the bigger picture here and appreciate I have only read a few pages of a full story but just want to try and add some words of comfort. 

I know all children are different, they all react differently to events and we never know exactly what they have been through. However I thought I might share a little snippet of my little sister's adoption and her behaviour.

In short she came to us aged 19 months - well came to my mum and step-dad but I am very involved in her life. At first she was so quiet.  Barely made any noises or tried to talk and then for about six months was a super compliant angel and then all of a sudden she found her voice and to be honest from about 2 and a half through to 4 she was a handful. A real handful.  She was defiant, laughed when chastised, broke her toys, ignored any instructions and would not settle at night. I remember one holiday to Turkey with her and my Mum when she was three and it was awfull - trying to get her settled was distressing and on one occasion I was so upset and angry with her because my mum was angry I reacted and pushed her out of my way. Not bad, but it gave me and her a fright. She just seemed unable to behave and the hotel staff spoke to us and I honestly felt like her adoption was the biggest mistake my Mum had ever made. 

She was held back a year from starting school and is now aged 8 and in her third year - and a dream! I love having her on weekends, she is still cheeky and a wise ass but she is a totally different child. I always loved her but 2-4 was awful!

Now I know all children are not the same and won't react the same and I didn't have her 24 hours a day but I guess I just wanted to say that your turn around will come too with all the hard work your doing. I guess in our case her little self was so angry at what had happened in her short life she took it out on us as soon as she felt safe - and took it out she did! Hopefully this is what is happening and with age and some maturity things will become easier


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## Wyxie

Thanks for your message Caledonia, it's good to get other perspectives on these things.

The last three days have been an incredible relief.  It's late and I'm tired, but in case it all goes downhill again tomorrow, I need to remind myself what a wonderful little person my daughter is when she isn't in this awful cycle of defiance leading to intervention leading to violence.  She's been smiley, mischievous, happy, giggly, shy, inventive, and affectionate.  There have even been times when she's been relaxed and content.  

I need to sleep!


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## Sq9

So glad you've had a good few days.


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## Wyxie

This afternoon Wyxling stretched as tall as she could and gave me a brilliant smile, and said "I love Mummy _this_ much."

We are doing OK. Some outbursts, but we've had a bloody good week in the grand scheme of things. I have come to the conclusion I need to get Wyxling a couple of mornings of nursery a week, for Bladelet, and for me. He is getting no one to one time and he is really showing a need for Mummy. I am getting crankier as the week goes by, and she doesn't give me even a moment's peace ever.

Which led me on to a conversation with my SW today, in which I found out that Wyxling is eligible for free nursery now. I was under the impression that free nursery for adopted children at age 2 wasn't coming in until next September, but my SW told me it is in place now, and has managed to sort out a place for Wyxling at the state nursery she was eligible to go to in January, and got them to agree she start with just a day or two a week and they will increase it as she can cope with more, and they're accepting her not toilet trained, although actually I've had sudden real cooperation on this issue this week, and she's been going to the toilet a lot (she likes using a kiddies toilet seat a lot more than the potty) although still in nappies. I'm going for broke on Monday and putting her in pants. My SW is great, incidentally.

I'm hoping this will allow me to send her to nursery a couple of days to start with, but still let her see her own friends at playgroups a couple of days a week where she can go with me. I'm going in next week with Wyxling, and also meeting with them on my own to discuss some issues.

I really hope this works, and doesn't throw her back.

Theraplay has been really interesting, and her responses have surprised me sometimes. She's verbalised a lot of emotions through toys to the therapist, which _really_ surprised me.

Oh please let us be getting somewhere.


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## Caledonia

It sounds wonderful and the nursery might do her a lot of good. Look forward to hearing how it goes


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Really pleased about nursery x


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## Handstitchedmum

That theraplay news sounds quite promising! Excellent work!


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## Wyxie

Unfortunately, the therapist is on holiday this week, and she simply isn't cooperating with me that well on a lot of the games, or anything to be honest today.

We had a wonderful Saturday, really lovely, Wyxling and Bladelet both coped well with a birthday party at a very busy soft play.  Wyxling was stunningly beautiful in her little dress and fairy wings and was really happy, giggly and relaxed, and very happy to pose and show off her wand.  She was really happy playing with her friends but wanted me close which was not surprising given how busy it was and full of big kids which it isn't when we go in the week.  She was very proud of herself for managing to use a knife and fork to eat her dinner with only a little help and although a bit hyper afterwards, easily calmed down in the garden.  No fuss at bedtime, in fact she was quite cuddly and tired.  Bladelet loves soft play and is not at all phased by bigger kids running riot all over the place, so requires very close attendance or he will get squished, but he was a happy chappy.  He was ridiculously cute all afternoon and very cheeky and smiley.  Love it when he's like that, although he's getting hard work to keep up with - having just about mastered walking, he's now decided that's no fun and he wants to run everywhere.  

Sunday my godson and his parents visited and Bladelet did pretty well, but it was just too much in one weekend for Wyxling and she melted.  She was completely off the wall all afternoon, when I put her down for her nap she raged for almost an hour, and never really got back on track.  Bedtime was terrible, I gave up trying to bath them together, hubby got very angry with her and as usual can't entirely hide it.  He doesn't shout, but he is very cold and firm and was refusing to cuddle her when she was sobbing, because she didn't have a nappy on and he didn't want her to wee on him - honestly, I was so angry with him.  Ended up with me trying to sort her out while bathing Bladelet, who then got upset because Wyxling was so upset, and sending hubby out the room to calm down.  He did manage to calm down and put her to bed but she was clearly upset and has been worried about him being cross with her all day.  She often fusses when he misses a cuddle when he goes out, or comes home, or before nap time at the weekends.  I keep telling him he needs to remember she's a baby.  He just says she's not a baby, she's nearly 3.  I can understand how he can get angry in the heat of the moment, but I can't understand how when he is calm he can fail to understand that nearly 3 is still a baby.  Sometimes he seems to believe this, others he just is cross.

Anyway, in the end we got them both to bed, and Wyxling calmed down, and have chalked that one up to experience.  Wyxling coped better than she ever has really with a very exciting day on Saturday and not enough nap, but two exciting days in one weekend was one too many.  We needed a very grounded routine based day on Sunday with our swim and lunch, and long enough nap times, and lots of structured activity.  We won't make that mistake again soon!

Today hasn't been too bad, although I've been upset by how much she's been pulling away from me, we've had no major blow ups.  

So, today I have ditched nappies, in preparation for possibly starting nursery very soon.  I'd been about to do it anyway as she's been a lot more cooperative with me on this one the last week or so.  Was quite wary after horrendous day yesterday, but actually she seems to be really trying and we've only had a couple of accidents today.  I'm relatively sure they were both actually accidents as well, which is the big battle.  When I've tried to do this previously she's deliberately weed all over the place!  

Ho hum, feels like a worse day than it probably has been, I'm just worn down by the day.  I've been Wyxling managing all day while she's been incredibly awkward lots of low level very blatant and wearing defiance, not playing at all, and Bladelet as usual is not getting enough, and as a result I've not really had any quality time with either of them this afternoon.  Not that unusual.  Really getting me down today.  Tired, and coming down with something, aching all over, and feeling rotten.  Probably why I'm feeling quite so down when we have at least had some success with Wyxling in pants!

Sleep.


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## Wyxie

Walked in the front room earlier to find Wyxling sat on the potty with wet wipe in one hand and mobile phone in the other. Oh how times have changed. When I asked her if she was done she said "Mummy be quiet, Wyxling on phone. Granny, I done _giant_ poo."


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I so love your Wyxling quotes!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Wyxling is a legend x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Oh wow, I so felt for you, your day had been so awful but then the poo thing really cheered me up!


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## Wyxie

You could knock me down with a feather, but in an unprecedented fit of cooperation on the issue, after just saying "sod it" and sticking her in pants last Monday, I actually do think we've nailed toilet training with Wyxling.  Only one accident in the last four days.  I'd been bribing with the promise of going out for fish and chips last night if she really tried hard and had suspected that after she'd got her prize, there may have been some protest "accidents" today, but nothing.

Kids were utterly adorable, both of them, in the restaurant at our local chippy last night, which we left well after "normal" bedtime, and having forgotten to take our normal selection of toys to keep them amused while we waited for our food.  For all their many difficulties, both of them do behave well in situations like that, where most toddlers would be a complete nightmare.

We've had a variable and eventful week, which I'm just too tired to think about right now, but on the whole, I think maybe, just maybe, I'm feeling more positive about things.  This is, of course, always subject to change at the drop of a hat!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Congratulations on making progress with toileting x


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## Wyxie

At a new all time low with Social Services after our review meeting today.  Honestly, just had enough.  I have always advocated being honest with Social Services about the difficulties and progress with newly placed children, on the basis that there's nothing to be gained from glossing over things, and they're not going to disrupt a placement because it's tough.  Of course it's tough at times.  Anyway, turns out I was wrong, and I walked right into the quite clear implication that as Bladelet has always been fine before, we were doing something wrong, and straight on to questioning whether he should be removed and placed elsewhere.  I ended up back tracking and saying we'd just had a couple of bad days after everyone had been poorly and were tired and of course everything was fine really, and just taking the criticism of how they think I'm going wrong, given with absolutely no knowledge of how I look after my kids, with a smile, because I didn't have any choice.  Normally I'm good in situations like this and it really left a bad taste in the mouth.  I've been really made up with cold for the last few days, a bit light on sleep, and wasn't thinking on my feet, and honestly, I didn't expect the discussion to turn direction like that.  I expected them to expect that of course things are tough at the moment, and of course Bladelet isn't always the same happy cheerful little bundle he always was in foster care, perhaps at least in part because his whole world has been turned upside down and everyone he knew has disappeared, and of course he's now mobile and turning into a proper stubborn little toddler, into absolutely everything, and whose suddenly hearing the word "no" a lot and doesn't like it.  How anyone could possibly think it would be in his best interest for him to be removed, placed back in foster care, and then placed again, I do not know.  How this is meant to improve his massive insecurity and huge amount of distress at any absence from me, or whoever they thought would be next, I do not know.  The link, I think I would go so far as to say attachment, between Bladelet and I is very, very clear to see, even though we're only three months in and it's very early days.

We were going to ask for the application for the adoption order to be delayed for a couple of months, just to see how things are going and keep avenues of support open which may end once we have the adoption order.  I'd discussed this previously with our SW and Bladelet's SW, in fact she's raised the idea at one point, but it became clear that really wasn't an option, and asked for them to apply for it now.  After the discussion we had, honestly, we might as well.  I certainly wouldn't ask for help from them again given the direction the discussion turned in far too fast.

I just want Social Services out of my life once and for all.  Wyxling's doing OK, it's tough, and it's going to be for a while, but we'll get there, for both children, and how anyone can question our commitment to that I simply don't know.

Hubby wasn't in the meeting, he just popped in at the end and agreed we could apply for the adoption order now if I felt it was the best thing to do.  He had no idea about the content of the rest of the meeting, because he'd been keeping Wyxling occupied elsewhere.  I didn't feel able to say anything else, and honestly, by that stage, I just wanted everyone gone, today, and permanently.  He's going to the next meeting, I really don't want anything more to do with them, I have to see Bladelet's SW once a month for the LAC reviews, but other than that, I don't want anything more to do with Social Services.  

The annoying thing is it did really kick my confidence in how I'm doing at the moment.  I can't help it.  Everything feels so fragile just now, especially me.

I'm tired of it all.


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## gettina

Huge heartfelt   Wyxie.
I am v v surprised there is a wafer thin fine line between supplying help and wanting to take your child away. You poor thing, needing support and getting threatened instead.
Well done for a prompt change of tack.
all the very best - hope the kids are doing ok this week.

gettina


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## GERTIE179

Aww huni - big big hugs & wish there was something else that would help.

Hopefully you feel better soon - I swear by Berocca vitamin & Ecchinea when really full of hugs.

You've been strong armed by SSs and I hate hearing when they've bullied folk into things. It's better for them if AO is applied for ASAP and any delay they are questioned religiously as it comes down to money & budgets. Utter none we when you think of the cost of FC. I utterly hate the two tier practices/opinions by SWs.

My little one was a happy smiley guy (albeit classed as hard to place baby due to number of things), yet he didn't continue to be a happy guy for several months as he grieved and adjusted to his whole world being turned upside down. I'm soooo annoyed for you that these people have let doubt creep in to you for their own gain. 

I'm here if you need a rant. X


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I totally agree with Gertie they didn't mean it for a second they just wanted to bully you into compliance so hit you with the one response you could never risk standing up to.  From having worked with SW's a lot I always think that they have no authority on which to lecture about children's behaviour.  They may write reports and listen a lot but actually they have never spent a day managing traumatised or challenging children's behaviour.  Used to drive me mad as a teacher who spent all day managing a number of traumatised children in a class of 30 when they made ridiculous comments. As a parent I can only imagine it is a million times worse x x


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## Sq9

Sorry to hear how you've been treated wyxie.  You've worked so hard and do your absolute best for your children which must be incredibly hard some days.  You deserve better than that but sounds like you handled it exactly right.  Fingers crossed you get a quick hearing and then ss will be out of your hair.  Has wyxie started at nursery? I know you were talking about trying that a few weeks ago.


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies, feeling somewhat calmer today.  Still thoroughly fed up with SS, but calmer, largely because of a mostly lovely day with the kids.  Wyxling, in particular, has been really charming and adorable for a lot of the day.  Bladelet's teething and poorly, as am I, and he's been thoroughly pathetic at times, but very snugly, so I've been taking advantage of that!  

I'm waiting on funding for Wyxling's nursery placement, hopefully should get it in time for her to start the week after next at the latest.


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## Wyxie

So much going on at the moment, and I'm just too tired to go into it all, but we appear to be making significant progress.  Certainly everything is changing.  We've been having theraplay for about 6 weeks now, and she does seem to be responding differently to a lot of things.  We had some independent advice from someone who hasn't met Wyxling the other week, which was a one off, and we were unsure about it but glad we took the opportunity in the end.  We came away with a couple of bits of advice which haven't been given before on how to deal with specific circumstances, and they have really, really made a big difference.  We have also, most definitely, nailed potty training, and this changes the whole dynamic, because of course the time Wyxling usually kicks off is change time.  We had a few kick off free days but of course the conflict inevitably shifts to other areas, and so we have had some adjustments to make.  I have also pretty much cut out Wyxling's nap.  She could do with 15-30 minutes still, but the huge upset we had every day in getting her down for her nap has just become a thing of habit.  She fights me over the routine in a very set way, and I just couldn't seem to break through that, so if she falls asleep on the sofa or in the car, fine, but I'm not putting her to bed any more.  This has allowed me to have some much needed one to one time with Wyxling, because Bladelet sleeps early afternoon.  On the whole, we've used this time pretty well.  

Wyxling is behaving a lot more like a "normal" toddler at times, but also we have had some major regression, in what feels like quite a positive way.  We were told this would happen when she started doing theraplay, and I honestly wasn't really sure I believed it.  She's not comfortable with a lot of the real babying stuff when the therapist is here, and can be quite controlling about it.  But then when it's just us she's going right back to little baby at times.  One minute she's being massively independent and wanting to do everything herself, and be a big girl, and the next she is climbing onto my lap saying she's my "lillet baby" and wanting to be bottle fed, and asking me to sing her special song.  We had a very stressful day for Wyxling with a family visit that had been rearranged and wasn't where we initially thought it would be, plus I am poorly, and I had to give in and go back to bed for a couple of hours this morning.  In the past me being poorly has resulted in a complete total and utter Wyxling meltdown and days of horrendous behaviour and fighting.  I thought she was going to have a complete kick off this evening, she was pushing me away as she often does when Granny was here, and getting quite agitated.  I went and picked her up to take her out of the room for a few minutes to calm down which I thought may result in a big kick off  She had a bit of a paddy, and looked like she was going to really fight me when I picked her up, then suddenly cuddled up crying and asked if me to feed her dinner, and if she could sit on my lap.  At bedtime she had a bit of a strop over a couple of little things, then chilled out, had a pretty good time in the bath with Bladelet, and despite a few wobbles we got through to sleep time with no major fuss.  After her story she curled up on my lap and asked me to sing her some songs.  She fell asleep cuddled up and I put her into bed.

I'm worried about her going to nursery in this very vulnerable state, worried about everything, but I'm just going with the advice we're being given at the moment.  

Bladelet is very, very needy, and insecure.  I really feel like I need the one to one time with him which Wyxling going to nursery will give me.  When we do get time to ourselves it's almost always very positive.  We had some time this morning and I played for 20 minutes, then he got very upset because I went out to take a nappy bag to the front door without him, threw himself down on the floor sobbing.  This is not that out the ordinary when I go into another room, even if hubby is there.  I gave him a big cuddle.  If Wyxling was here he'd be fighting to go down and play, then crying to come back up, repeat and repeat.  With just us here he's happier to settle for a snuggle, and 10 minutes of lovely snuggle and he was fast asleep.

Anyway, I think things are going OK, but I'm dreading Wyxling's response to nursery.  Also worried about fall out post Granny visit tomorrow.

Also, knackered, and have a terrible cough and cold still.

I also just re-wrote the contact letters I wrote earlier in the month.  I hadn't really put that much into them, and so I didn't send them.  I'm a lot happier with them now.  It was much easier to write Wyxling's after we've had some good time together this last couple of weeks.


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## GERTIE179

Excellent. I'm so glad things are feeling like moving forward and by all accounts it's a massive leap in lots of areas.
X


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## Wyxie

They have absolutely driven me round the bend this afternoon.  If one of them hasn't been whinging, whining, crying, screaming and or throwing themselves on the floor because they absolutely can't share anything with each other, especially me, the other one has been.  Not to mention the inability to do anything without, or frequently even with, my undivided attention!  I could have banged their heads together this afternoon.  Yes, I know all toddlers do that to a degree, but bloody hell they were hard work.  I've had a stinking cold for over a week, my head has been pounding all day, and really, I just needed them to both shut up for 30 seconds!

Finally got them both calmed down and Wyxling settled on the sofa watching Mr Tumble, Bladelet on the floor playing, me just about to go and make dinner, when Bladelet decided he had to get on the sofa too and climb all over Wyxling, which she hates - she's just not good with her space being invaded in any way - and she of course then started "hugging" (or to put it another way crushing his windpipe) Bladelet, and wouldn't leave him alone no matter how many times I asked her.  Queue full meltdown when I tried to sit her on my knee to calm her down a little.  First really blow out we've had in a couple of weeks and it was exhausting.

On an up note, Bladelet coped with the meltdown well, because I let him stay on the sofa and didn't bother stopping him from standing up on it.  He basically had a happy little dance around for half an hour and I just hoped he didn't fall off.  He didn't.  However, to give me time to go for a wee and have 5 minutes break, when he got home hubby tried to feed Bladelet dinner instead of me, and he just took every bit back out his mouth and threw it on the floor.  Even when I came back in and sat down with them, he just put on his very best sulky look and refused to eat anything. 

Wyxling is no longer napping.  I am struggling to stay calm in the afternoons without any break in the day.  It makes for a very long day!  Although to be fair, what would have been her nap time today was spent making shortbread and actually, that was by far the best part of the day.

Bedtime was fraught, and I thought we'd get another full meltdown, but actually Wyxling settled once we were in her bedroom and just us, and when I went to put her to bed she said she wanted to go to sleep on my lap, and asked me to sing her some songs.  Finishing the day like that makes it so much better.

Then went in to Bladelet, who technically hubby had put to bed but he was playing peekaboo with the world out his bedroom curtains, oddly, given he'd skipped dinner and spat out half his milk, not that sleepy.  Managed to get him to settle down and at least had a nice snuggle, although I suspect from the giggling, he may have been playing peekaboo with the whole world again for some time after I left him.  At least he was happy though.  I do, however, suspect I will have a hungry screaming baby before morning!

Well, that's the grumble for today.  Grumble grumble.


----------



## Wyxie

Whenever I feel ill, I always wonder how single people with kids cope.  I am really poorly, both the kids are ill too.  Bladelet is utterly pathetic and throwing tantrums at absolutely everything when he doesn't get his own way.  Wyxling, as usual, is fairly highly strung around the house, wants me to play with her continuously, which I can't between being sick, clearing up from the kids being sick everywhere, and then collapsing in a heap until the next time round.  She's then occasionally vomiting explosively all over the place.  We've yet to have any major blow ups from Wyxling despite a morning in the house, largely because I've been letting her do pretty much what she wants and pretending I can't see, but I can feel it coming.  To my immense relief I've managed to get them both to sleep at once and had an hour sleep.  About to go up as they're stirring.  I am counting down the seconds until my husband gets home and wondering how on earth to get through the afternoon.


----------



## Sq9

That sounds a bit pants - being sick is not pleasant at the best of times, but when littles are doing it too must be so hard to deal with.  Hope you are all on the mend very soon


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Oh Wyxie!  I feel for you.  We aren't ill but BB has really played up this afternoon and I've been so strung up waiting for DH to get home!  It's not to the same degree as the cr4p you are putting up with but I kinda know how you feel!  Everyone says (and I cling to it) that all this is a phase (the normal toddler stuff) and it will pass.  It's just now knowing when things will get better that gets you down I think.  Fingers crossed your afternoon picked up!  xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies.  I am still feeling like I've been trodden on, but we were saved by nice weather and managed to get them both out in the garden for the rest of the afternoon.  Thanks also to Gertie for a much needed chat!

To be honest, they weren't especially difficult, Wyxling was getting quite off the wall this morning but they largely did pretty well, it was just the demand for playing constantly, with both of them, balancing it all right, and feeling like I could hardly stand up.  Plus, it has to be said, dealing with some truly revolting nappies from Bladelet while feeling very delicate, did not help at all.  We got through the day, though, and actually without any blow ups, although I would not have described Wyxling has a model of good behaviour, the afternoon was much better than the morning, and she was pretty good at bed time.  Despite some testing behaviour, Wyxling wanted Mummy when she was poorly.

The real good news, I think, however, is that her first day of nursery yesterday was about as good as I could have hoped.  She was very clingy before I left and was hanging on to my legs, one of the nursery workers managed to get her interested in going back to something and tried to lead her away, but she came straight back.  I am quite simply incapable of walking away from Wyxling when I have to peel her off my legs to do so, and I was starting to panic.  Spoke to her lots about what we'd do in the afternoon, lunch, snuggles when Bladelet was asleep, playing games - she's really into board games at the moment which is a fantastically calming activity and I can't believe she's going along with it.  The head of the nursery then came over after we'd had another cuddle and very firmly led Wyxling away and told her quite clearly that Mummy had to go now.  She's clearly done it a lot before and I was extremely grateful for her telling me to clear off!  When I turned round to look back a minute later she was doing something with play dough.

When I went to collect her, I didn't know exactly where she was, as it's a big nursery, and it just hadn't occurred to me to ask what she'd be doing when I collected her.  By the time I'd found someone to tell me where she was she was looking absolutely terrified and very upset, not that she'd cry, because all the other Mummies were there and hers wasn't coming to pick her up.  She was asking if Mummy was coming, where's Mummy etc.  Poor little munchkin, had the biggest cuddles in the whole world when I saw her.  Having said that, despite the difficult start and finish, according to the staff she did OK.  She definitely hadn't got into her awful agitated state, which had been my big worry, as she can seem quite adorable while really not functioning at all and being very distressed.  They said she was joining in with lots of activities, she'd had a go at a couple of pictures of animals - quite unusual for Wyxling to cooperate with painting or drawing something particular, and she'd been giving answers and talking to other kids and staff.  She first said it was fun, then she didn't like it, then she said it had been fun sometimes, but she missed Mummy and was scared.  I have told her it's OK to miss Mummy, and I missed her lots and lots, but she doesn't need to be scared, because I will always come for her, and as she gets to know people better, she'll have more fun, and not think about missing Mummy so much.  Hubby was great when he came home yesterday.  She said she was missing Mummy, and he said that was OK, because he misses Mummy and Wyxling and Bladelet when he's in work, but he's busy, and he enjoys seeing us even more when he gets home.

She now can't go until Thursday because she's been sick, so it'll be play group tomorrow, assuming she's OK which I think she will be.  Then going to take her Thursday and Friday, and if it goes OK again, she'll do four days (3 hours in the morning, anyway) next week.

Bladelet has been a crotchety tantrummy little monkey for the last few days, but he's got a teething temperature and is really out of sorts.  He's also not eating much.  I don't think it's teething related.  He romped across the garden almost running when I had a biscuit in my hand, but he's amusing himself by throwing most of his food on the floor, and pretending he's going to eat it then turning his head away at the last minute.  Very funny at dinner time, less funny in the night when he wakes up hungry.  I'm hoping this will be a short lived phase!

Anyway, I feel like we're making progress again, but don't think we'll be able to properly see the nursery fall out for a few weeks, so I guess we wait and see!


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## Handstitchedmum

That sounds like a fantastic first day! I am sorry you have been unwell.  :-(


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I've taken great comfort from the fact Wyxling did so well on her first day at nursery, makes me feel a little more confident that BB may also cope.  Sorry you are so poorly, I dread to think how I'll cope if I'm sick and we only have one to worry about!

Hope you feel better soon xx


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## Wyxie

I think it depends on the child.  Bladelet is also poorly, and just wants me to sit on the floor while he pootles around the front room and then collapse on me for cuddles when he's sleepy.  Awesome.  Mummy can cope with this.  Wyxling is a whole different thing!

I am dreading taking Wyxling to nursery tomorrow.  This afternoon after a couple of hours of seriously irritating behaviour, not really bad, as such, just lots of low level testing and rolling around on the floor making stupid noises and refusing to play which absolute drives me round the bend, she told me she didn't want to go to nursery again tomorrow.  She later claimed she was sick, clearly she knows that if she's sick she doesn't have to go, and after some talking admitted that she didn't feel sick but she didn't want to go.  I can't get her to explain why, just that she's scared.  I hope she's OK when she gets there, but am dreading leaving her again.  I know this is also me.  She's consumed my life so much for the last nearly year and a half, worrying about her, making sure she's OK, trying to work through her often incredibly complicated behaviours and moods, fighting to build some sort of a reasonable relationship with her.  I know that a lot of what she needs can't be done by strangers, but I also know that she needs to start learning to function herself.  I miss her, and I worry about her so much.  I just want her to be OK.  I want her to come and tell me afterwards it was fun, and see her happy and smiley, but I know we're probably a long way from that.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Bubba has been going to a playgroup where we leave and have had to leave since day 1 since easter. It took till 3 weeks before summer before she stopped screaming everytime we took her. She would spend all morning saying I am not going. Half way through summer hols we started reading goat goes to playgroup (fab book) and she said I not going mummy I cry. She is now going twice a week she still won't leave our sides in the playground but is getting better every time and actually said she had fun. My nephew (not adopted) actually made himself sick so he didn't have to go. Little monkeys its soooooo hard.


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## gettina

Hope the second nursery 'shift' went ok wyxie. And that you are all well again now. Xx


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## Wyxie

I think we are finally heading towards normality, or something approaching it.  I've almost posted this a few times in the last week or so, but feel like I may be tempting fate.

We have had a lot of progress with Wyxling over the last 6-8 weeks since we started theraplay again.  Attachment is definitely building, she's accepting me more, in fact she often wants to be my little baby, and can suddenly regress in a way that really shocked me the first couple of times.  In fact I thought she was trying to wind me up a couple of times but humoured it, until I realised that she really was just being a little baby and wanted to be fed, dressed, cuddled, rocked, sung to.  Of course half an hour later she's absolutely determined to go to the toilet entirely on her own, will throw a huge tantrum if I try and help, and then leave the place looking like it's been invaded by several litters of andrex puppies, but I guess that's kind of normal for some kids at that age.

We've done two weeks of nursery now, and this last week I took her all five mornings.  I hadn't planned to, but I had a change of heart and I think it was a good decision.

Wyxling is really struggling with being left, and very upset about Mummy not staying at nursery.  I had been expecting her to withdraw, push me away, disassociate, get incredibly agitated, and generally be a right state when I picked her up, and in general.  I had also expected her to punish me horrendously for leaving her, in the Wyxling way.  I was really shocked when on the second day I took her she hung on to me and screamed and cried at me not to go.  It's such a completely normal thing to do, but it's not Wyxling.  She was a bit more forceful perhaps than some kids, it took two of the nursery workers to physically remove her from me and try as much as I did not to cry and stay upbeat I was in floods of tears when I walked out the door with Bladelet, and honestly it took everything I have not to just walk out with her and take her home.  It took them nearly an hour to calm her down, and honestly if I'd known that at the time I'd have gone back.  I called them to check she was OK after I'd got Bladelet home and made myself wait for a bit, and by that time she was sitting having a story.  Leaving her is getting gradually easier, which is good.  She still has to be pulled off me by someone, but she's OK within a few minutes and involved with doing something.  She's pretty peed at me for leaving her, but she runs for a cuddle when I go to pick her up, and gives me the biggest hug in the whole world, and she's always got stuff she's done that she wants to show me, and seems really happy.  She's even had a proper wobbly about putting her wellies on one day, in front of her teacher, which is really good for Wyxling.  She wouldn't do that unless she was starting to feel secure there, and part of that is knowing I will come back for her.  Knowing Wyxling as I do, if she refuses to do something, there's nothing I can say that will persuade her, so I just took her outside in without the wellies on.  By the time we'd got to Bladelet's buggy she'd had a change of heart on the subject, and we took her sodden socks off, but some clean ones on, and put on the wellies without a fuss.  She then ran home chasing our neighbour's son, and sploshed in all the puddles quite happily.  She also gave him a hysterical telling off for running into the road without waiting for his Mum, I nearly wet myself.

She is being incredibly toddler like, sulky, inconvenient tantrums, won't share a thing with her brother, all the kind of normal stuff, turned up a bit, but almost no rages.  People don't get this, Wyxling has never really had tantrums much at all, only started really in the last month/six weeks.  There is a million miles between a child having a tantrum and a child raging.  It's impossible to explain to people who've not seen it, absolutely impossible, and also incredibly frustrating to have people dismiss most of Wyxling's behaviours over the last year and a half as tantrums.  I can cope with a toddler having a tantrum, two if need be, that's completely different.  She almost never hits, kicks, bites, scratches, me or herself or Bladelet.

I'm getting really good one to one time with both of them, they're both responding incredibly well and both of them are really rewarding to do things with one on one, because they're both such wonderful little people.  

They are both awful, and I mean truly awful beyond what you would expect from toddlers, at doing anything at all when I try and do some housework, other than being a complete and total pain in the .  This is the real sticking point at the moment, getting either of them to amuse themselves, not with no attention, but with reduced attention from Mummy.  I'm working on this.

Anyway, we had a really boring weekend for the babies, lots of sulking, some really nice play time, some really tired babies, a massively longer than expected car journey yesterday to MIL's (took 4 hours in the end, and they both slept for about 30-40 minutes of that), huge routine break, new place for Bladelet, a shopping trip (whoops, but we really did need some clothes, I didn't have any jeans left that didn't have holes in the knees, and only one pair that weren't going on the bum too) for stuff for us, not them, and then a meal out with terrible service, it really did take ages for food to come, although when it did it involved pizza and ice cream and they were both delighted), then being bathed at MIL's and put to sleep in the car on the way home, about an hour and a half later than normal.  They both went down really well when we got them home, I had lovely snuggles with Bladelet, and he was so happy to be home when I put him in his cot, then sneaked in to Wyxling for a little snuggle before crashing.  They didn't really sleep enough this morning, and then were incredibly tired, sulky, and badly behaved while we dragged them round to do the weekly shopping and various other dull bits we had to do, in a kind of normal way.  Had the inevitable tantrums, fed them cake, a nice play this afternoon, and put them both to bed.  I had Wyxling for bedtime tonight, and she was just lovely.

Wyxling tells me she loves me, she never used to, this, like hugs, kisses and letting me touch her gently were things she could control and deny, so she did.  I put her to bed tonight, actually thinking she was asleep.  I was telling her about the day we met, which I often do now, just as she's falling asleep on my lap, and I thought she wasn't really listening to me.  Put her into bed and she said "Mummy stole Wyxling heart too, I love Mummy lots and lots and lots".  Tucked in with teddies and almost asleep when I left.

Bladelet is being a complete little monkey at the moment, and is often confined to the rascal cage, but he does it with such a cheeky smile it's hard to stay cross with him.  I am loving my time at home with him on our own; I feel like I am finally being able to get to know him properly.

Wyxling and Bladelet are getting on somewhat better for seeing less of each other.  In retrospect, suddenly having another person 24/7 was just too much for both of them.  

We went to the park one afternoon this week, and had the most lovely afternoon.  I wish I could put the photos I took on my phone here, they're beautiful, and happy, and together.  We had the most lovely afternoon.

I don't mean to make it sound like things are perfect, I think they both still have issues, Wyxling in particular, and they can be incredibly irritating toddlers, but things just feel so much more normal.  I don't think I had an unrealistic view of family life before we adopted, or young children, and I'm OK with that.  I just want them to be happy and healthy in the long run, and it feels like we might be getting there.  I love my children so much I cannot begin to explain it.  It's worried me a lot that I feel very differently about Bladelet to how I do about Wyxling.  Wyxling burst into my life and my heart in a way that I just cannot explain, Bladelet snuggled his way in when I wasn't looking.  I love them both very differently, they are such very different children, despite being so alike, but I love them both as much as I think it's possible to love another person.

I just hope we're not going to have another big slide backwards or upset again soon.  I want to enjoy them while they're babies, and it feels like we're just starting to be able to do that.


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## GERTIE179

Aww this is wonderful news. Keeping my fingers crossed for you all too x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Progress sounds amazing all your hard work is finally starting to pay off x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Now that was a post def worth waiting for!  So pleased things seem to be settling. xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

What a lovely post to read, so delighted for you all   Long long looooong may it last!!


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## Sq9

So pleased your hard work, perseverance and dedication to your children is paying off.  Long may the good progress continue


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## Wyxie

Thank you, all for the replies.  This forum is a huge source of support and outlet for frustration these days!

I had a truly lovely day with my babies today.  Too late and I'm too tired for details, but it was a great morning with Bladelet, who was playful and snuggly, and happy, and toddled around me while I did some housework.  This afternoon I had some great time with Wyxling, and after I gave her a very impatient telling off for her instant switch to being extremely difficult because I picked up a cleaning cloth, she suddenly went off and played while I did some housework.  It's incredibly how much I love watching her and listening to her when she does actually play on her own.  She will almost never do it, and I think part of the reason it frustrates me so much, is because she has a beautiful imagination and wonderful sense of humour.  There is little that gives me more joy than listening to her conversations with her toys, and watching her very serious face when she's organising them, and/or taking care of completely imaginary things she's just thought up, like a very small but very hairy spider she decided she had in her hands on the car trip to MIL's this weekend.  

Mostly, it occurred to me today that on days like today, I am happier, or at least more content, than I can ever remember being.  

I'm also a little drunk.


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## Handstitchedmum

Can't tell you how happy I am that you are all feeling this way.  Gives me hope


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## Wyxie

And some days like today, I loathe my daughter with every fibre of my being.  Last couple of days we've had a major bump and I have absolutely had enough.  I keep telling myself that sullen, sulky disobedience and continually revolting behaviour is an improvement on massive blow ups and aggression, but right now, I have just had enough.


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## Sq9

xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva




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## GERTIE179

Ditto with the hugs - hope you get a bit of a breather with hubby about this weekend. X x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

On a lower level we've had a nightmare bath/bedtime, after some lovely ones, makes you want to spit.   Sorry things have gone bad, but you can do it, you know you can turn it around xxxx


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## Wyxie

*sigh* I have done terribly today, just terribly. I try so hard to stay calm, sometimes I think I try so hard to be something I'm not that when I blow it just makes it all the worse.

Wyxling did something today that shocked me, and upset me more than I had imagined she could. My reaction pretty much buggered up the day from there on in. I am having major issues getting her to keep her clothes on at the moment, or put them on. I've been trying to stay really calm about it, after all, I can't _force_ her to put her clothes on or let me do it any more, or maybe I could if I really tried but it would involve a ridiculous amount of force for something she can instantly reverse when I let her go. All I tend to do is go along with it and say Mummy doesn't want her to be cold, if she won't put them on immediately we get up, I just leave it until we're about to go out the house, have one more go, and then take her out, regardless of her state of dress or undress. It kind of started as a delaying tactic I think because she didn't want me to leave her at nursery, but it's become a "thing" now. When we get outside and she's in her underwear or not much more in the cold, she gets upset, has a sudden change of heart, and I of course put her clothes on for her asap and give her a big cuddle. She's kind of come round to reluctantly getting dressed (she says she is a little baby and I have to dress her, she goes completely dead weight, and it's bloody hard work with a kid weighing over 2 1/2 stone, but I do it like she's a baby) just before we go out the house. Normally she puts most things on except her tights and shoes, sometimes jumper too.

She's now upped this to taking her pants off when she's not sufficiently distracted to make her forget that she's trying to do everything in her power to let me know I can't control her and she's peed at me at the moment.

This lunch time when I was giving Bladelet his milk she took her pants off and then laid them over herself and started rubbing her genitals through her pants, she was doing it very deliberately, to gauge my reaction. It really, really bothered me. I just couldn't sit there and let her do it, and told her to stop touching her bum and put her pants on. A couple of times in the past I've told her not to touch bums when she was doing something similar in the bath, but that was a long time age, and seemed to be more fiddling around to see what was there - just after Bladelet was placed and she was clearly noticing boys and girls were different. Of course she just gave me a sullen look and threw her pants on the floor and started rubbing herself again. I have no idea where this has come from but it completely freaked me out. The afternoon went downhill from there, I was upset, didn't deal well with the sulking. I gave her an ultimatum I shouldn't have done to put her pants back on again and the rest of the afternoon was awful. Surprisingly, we managed to turn it around when hubby got home and I had an OK bedtime with her, but I feel awful, and I'm genuinely worried about this new behaviour. I just don't know what to do about it if she carries on. I just have to hope it was a one off.

I think what I really hate is the way she makes me feel sometimes. I turn into a really not very nice person at all. I don't think I could ever have imagined it being possible to love someone so much and be so incredibly angry with them all at the same time.

I'm just hoping for a better tomorrow. I think it will be, but I just feel awful. I feel like I really let her down today. I know I did. All the sulking, whining, defiance, especially really the complete defiance, I just can't fully get to terms with, no matter how hard I try and how much I resolve to do it. I want her to be awake now, I want to make things right, but of course that's ridiculous, she's not an adult, and I can't just make things right, I need to reason with my actions, and that's something that takes time to rebuild after a major blow up.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Within reason touching / rubbing down there is normal.  So although alarming to adults it isn't necessarily anything to worry about in terms of wider issues.  It is one of the many shocks you get teaching early years.  I have a really strict hands on knees at all times policy because otherwise it would have about 30% of hands / pencils etc down trousers  and up dresses. The issue you will hit that will make this hard to move on from is Wyxling is very intelligent and will realise it has shocked / gets a rise from you.  I would go down the ignoring the behaviour and focus on stopping it with distraction route initially. See how you get on. Parents will not admit it is very common or that their child has has done it but I promise it is. As is is your reaction having not seen this before so don't feel bad you are human and one with exceptional patience as it is. However if you are concerned about this and feel there is more to it then development and body body awareness take action only you know your daughter x x x


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## jdm4tth3ws

hi wyxie

i have never posted.to.you but have been reading your diary for months.  first of all let me say i am full of admiration for you and i think youre a.really good mum. far better than i would be in some of the situations you have found yourself in, i take my hat off to you. 

obviously, you know.whether this is a sinister (might be wrong word) thing for her to be doing, but my boys have all been through/are going through playing with genitals. all have been told to 1) not do it on my knee 2) not do it when visitors are around and 3) (after the age of 7, in my eldest case, nearly 1 do it in your room. i honestly dont know if i gave them wrong responses, but my 18 yr old has never had any issues with his body or confidence concerning (as hes got older) his sexuality.  i know its quite.shocking to start with, but as silly as it sounds i got quite used to seeing them messing with their bits. as my youngest 2 get older i will.ask them to confine.it to their rooms. 

im not trying to lessen how you feel, please dont think.that, just trying to show its 'normal' in most cases.

but like diy diva says only you know your daughter.  i sincerely hope you find a way.that is comfortable for you both.

xxxx


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## GERTIE179

Aww no words of wisdom but I do think the genitals thing us pretty normal but given out "prep" training etc and horror stories of missing info & Foster care homes, then a lot of us adopters tend to be more wary of such behaviours & if there's anything else to it.

In this case I think as going is just going to find other buttons to push you with at the moment. Kids really can find ones and I know on our bad days lil man goes round systemically every button I have. It's infuriating and I get the whole love/want to scream feelings all day & how draining they can be.

Do you think a you & wxyling fun day would help? Let you both get back on track and Bladelet have a daddy morn/afternoon? 

I hope you find something for you guys but I'm here if you need me x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Wyxie. Panic not bubba plays with herself I initially freaked out big time but then I spoke to my mum and she said would u be so bothered if she was a boy um no probably not as I have seen my nephews do it loads. We now try and distract xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies, yesterday was just an awful day all round.  Today is toddling along much better.  Wyxling is still sulking (she's been sulking about me leaving her at nursery) but we've had some good time too, and I had my huge amount of patience on this morning with her until she started to engage a little and have some good time.  Bladelet is being an absolute pain in the backside, in a quite appropriate way for a child his age who's decided he wants all Mummy's attention today, but he's spent a lot of the day screaming at his inability to get the reaction he wants to.

I think that in all likelihood Wyxling is button pushing again.  I don't think it's anything more sinister than that, but the way she was doing this really, really bothered me.  I guess because its the lengths that she will go to in order to upset me or show me I can't control her.  Distraction just doesn't work on Wyxling a lot of the time, it does nothing at all, because to her it's not about what she's doing, but about showing I can't control her.  The other one that really upsets me is biting her nails.  It sounds like such a little thing, but it's not a habit, she just does it to upset me.  She sits there with a sullen look on her face and glowers straight at me in her "what are you going to do about it, you can't stop me" way, and rips chunks out of her fingers and toes, she bit her toenails until her toes were bleeding last week, and it's been really uncomfortable for her to wear shoes, but she's still biting them more, to show me she can.  I don't go on at her about it, but she knows it really upsets me that she's willing to hurt herself to get at me.  I worry about how this need to control and need to show I can't control her is going to develop as she gets older.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

BB plays with his bits in the bath and is constantly fascinated with the difference between me, him and daddy.  If it were me I would totally ignore it if it is in a home situation but tell her that her bits are hers and private, not to show to anyone else.  I guess reverse psychology suggest giving her ownership could make her more private about it?  Although where does that lead, to her being too private, even with you?  I don't know, it's tricky but I think the danger is in second guessing everything.  We do it a lot.. the whole 'is that a behaviour relating to XXX or just normal behaviour'? It sends you crazy!  

Sending hugs.  I love to read your posts because you write so well, you have a lot of patience to give details and narrative that I wish I had.  You should seriously consider putting it into a book.  xxx


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## Wyxie

Thanks AuntieKatie,

I think I found it really freaked me out because it wasn't something absent minded she was doing - lots of kids do at that age, and my son certainly does, and I stop him gently, but it's not something that comes across as worrying and I don't think that's because he's a boy and she's a girl.  It just felt really wrong to be giving my son his bottle while my daughter sat on the sofa next to me with her legs wide apart looking right at me and rubbing herself.  I can't just ignore it.  I guess I could walk away, but Wyxling sees that as the ultimate challenge and rejection and that can often intensify behaviour.  I think the issue was that it was directed at me.  Look, you can't stop me doing this.  I worry what it'll be in 5 years time, or 10, that she knows I don't want her to do, and that she doesn't really want to do either, but will do anyway to prove to herself and me that I can't stop her.  I just have to hope that things keep improving.  Objectively, I know we've come so very very far in the last 17 months, and the improvement is continuing, so I just have to keep on and hope for the best.  In reality, Bladelet is a lot more naughty on a moment to moment basis at the moment, but as with so many things it's not what they do, but they way they do it, and the reason they do it.  Bladelet is mischievous, attention seeking, and often does stuff I don't want him to because it's fun.  Wyxling does things because they annoy me, they give her no pleasure or fun, but she wants to fight, control, defy.

I write to clarify my own thoughts; I have always found this easier to do when I do it in writing.  It keeps me sane, and helps me to focus on the good.  Sometimes I read old stuff and it shocks me when I am reminded of quite how troubled our little girl was a year ago, and how extreme her behaviour was at that time, but also reminds me how very far my little girl has come and how truly incredible she really is.  

I put both kids to bed tonight as hubby has gone out.  Bladelet is a joy at bedtime, hubby was here to get Wyxling ready for bed, so I had a lovely relaxed 20 minutes with Bladelet, covering him in cream, playing with him, and generally winding down, gave him his milk, and had lovely snuggles before I tucked him into bed.  He was stood up grinning at me and playing peekaboo with the world round the curtain he's just tall enough to reach and open from his cot, and waving night and blowing kisses (he just learned how to do this and it's absolutely adorable) but looking knackered and I knew when I went back in 10 minutes later to close the curtain he'd be fast asleep.

Wyxling was shattered, wanted to go up to bed before the end of the Night Garden (!) and handed me her milk bottle saying she was my "lillet baby" so I could bottle feed her.  She lies in my arms while I do it, and then snuggles under a blanket for stories.  When I say it's time for sleep she demands I stay and I tease her a little bit, and she tells me she wants big snuggles and lots of songs, although in reality I seldom get through more than two before she's fast asleep.  

When I think that it took 11 months for me to have a good bedtime with her even sometimes, where we didn't get at least one massive fight which inevitably turned into her raging, I have to see that she is doing OK.

Gods she's stubborn though.  I just keep hoping that she can turn that stubborn toward other things later on, because I don't think there's much she couldn't do if she really seriously put her mind to it.

I'm trying to pick some decorations for her birthday cake (she's 3 in a couple of weeks) as I simply do not have time to make them as well as everything else we're doing at the moment.  She wants to help me make her cake - she loves baking with me at the moment and it's always been a hobby of mine - but I'm not going to let her see the cake until it's all done.  Last year I spent a huge amount of time making her a train cake which she absolutely loved, this year she's probably going to be harder to impress.


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## Wyxie

I am trying to introduce the children to the idea of entertaining themselves briefly, difficult when one of them can't self-regulate at all and both of them appear to have an in-built need for my undivided attention and participation in everything, actually a nightmare.  This is something that is going to be tough, but god we need a break and the two of them can't give either of us, me in particular, a second right now.  

I am tired, and I need a break.


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## Handstitchedmum

Poor little ones, to need so much containment and validation. Perhaps some semi-social activity they could do alone, like an interactive DVD or video game? There must be an app for that.


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## GERTIE179

Aww big hugs Wxyie - I know how relentless this is and I have the one. I don't think if cope with two that are intense.
That being said, lil man seems to be able to manage 5-10mins playing in his own as long as he's close to me when he's calm. When he's all over the place then not a chance - more likely to do everything naughty/dangerous as poss.

Tis very hard work and completely see how you need a break. Does hubby have any holidays coming up that he could use where he could have 121 with Bladelet whilst wxyling is at nursery. Even a swim alone and a coffee in peace may help? If not, can you call a friend to meet you for a coffee/ drink later one night after they are both in bed. Sometimes it's difficult to think about going out when you've had an exhausting day but just reminding yourself if you and taking care to recharge may help?

In meantime I'm sending a virtual hug and a large choc muffin (calorie free) to give you a little perk up. 
((Hugs)) Gx


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## Wyxie

Thanks Gertie, I'm glad to hear your little man is starting to settle a little when you're doing things.

When I'm being objective, I do realise that actually Wyxling is much better at this than she used to be some days, but still really not good, and Bladelet is just being a complete monster for my stuff right now, all in his most adorable rascally way, but my word it's hard work, the tantrums when it doesn't all work out for him and he gets put in the rascal cage are spectacular, and of course then he's upset and wants to come back to me, but then instantly wants to go straight down and go back to throwing all my stuff all over the floor/wacking electrical stuff and yanking things off the sides using their wires.  I've cleared everything away that I reasonably can, but we've just got a single large downstairs room so it's not easy.  I think he and we are just in for a bad few weeks until he gets the message and I'll just have to hope that he's got some brain cells left by then after all after the times he's throwing himself backwards on the floor, regardless of what's behind him or how hard it is!  He's behaving like quite a normal toddler, but that combined with my toddler ++ in the form of Wyxling is quite hard work!  Roll on next week when Wyxling's back in nursery.  

Had quite a nice couple of days with Wyxling though.  Sometimes when Bladelet is being a pain she gets much worse in a fight for attention and/or demonstration that she is going to do everything he does but of course it's much worse when it's a nearly 3 year old instead of a 14 month old.  Sometimes she goes to the other extreme and basically copies me, following him round and very patiently explaining that he can't have that, and he shouldn't wack the piano with his toy hammer, and trying to move him away.  It's not very effective but it's adorably cute.  When Wyxling isn't being incredibly awkward she's such a very gorgeous little person.  So, I've just taken them out quite a bit, walked Bladelet's little legs off him, none of this sitting in buggies till they're 3 or 4 for my kids, I need them worn out not me, and we've had a pretty good couple of days.  

We went to the dentist on Monday and Wyxling was in one and refused to open her mouth *sigh*.  Nothing to do with her being scared I might add, just a "you can't make me" way.  She refused to talk the whole time we were there and just sat sullenly on my lap with her mouth firmly closed.  Bladelet was more than happy to show off his teeth, which were fine, but I needed a filling.  Hubby was off Monday and Tuesday so I arranged to have the filling done on the Tuesday, the next day.  This meant a real break from routine in a big way on Tuesday morning because I had to take Bladelet for blood tests, then straight to the dentist for me to have a filling.  Hubby took Bladelet and Wyxing to the butchers while I went to have my filling.  Not a pleasant experience I now realise, but perhaps thought of the bloody great needle in my gum will give me pause next time I find myself in the sweet aisle in Tescos hiding Strawberry Pencils in the trolley while the kids aren't looking.  Anyway, Wyxling was having a big fuss about everything that was happening, because it was different, and that sends her stress levels through the roof.  I explained that it was just a little injection in my gum, and then the dentist would fill in the hole in my tooth.  She was really upset that I wouldn't let her come with me.  Clearly, there was a misunderstanding somewhere.  We realised later that Wyxling doesn't actually know what gums are, and she anyway misheard and she thought I was having an injection in my bum, which I guess may go some way towards explaining how she reached the conclusion the dentist was going to remove one of my legs!  I had to fight so hard not to laugh when she met me afterwards and ran up crying and then hugging me saying "Mummy, one leg, two leg, OK, fine, yes?" and she managed to explain what had thought was going on.  Love her so much.


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## Wyxie

The kids have a new favourite song, which I sung for them about a million times yesterday.  It goes like this:

See the little bunnies sleeping 'til it's nearly noon,
Shall we try and wake them, with a merry tune?
Oh so still...
Are they ill?
Wake up soon...

Hop little bunnies, hop, hop, hop, 
Hop little bunnies, hop, hop, hop,
Hop little bunnies, hop, hop, hop,
Hop, hop, hop.

The kids did not get the message at all.  Bladelet woke me up at 2:00am, 3:30am and 5:00am, and then Wyxling at 6:00am, and no chance in hell of getting Wyxling back to sleep.  I had this bizarre fantasy going on last night that we'd all wake up and it would be, well, not noon, but say 9 o'clock, or something like that, and it was going to be amazing.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hope you get a little more sleep some time soon x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi lovely lady   I've posted on the other thread but thought you may look no here more. Love the song but when I was in nursery singing it day in day out could send you a bit   so I changed the animals. Roar little lions, swing little monkeys, snap little crocodiles, fly little birds, stamp little elephants, slither little snakes and so on   gets them moving their bodies in more ways and introduces new animals. 

Have you slept any better?


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## Wyxie

We do lots of things like this because it's good for regulation for Wyxling.  Periods where she lies quiet and still, followed by lots of movement or noise for limited time, then back again.  Sometimes it can feed her hyperactivity and then I try to use slightly different techniques, such as making noises together quietly, then loudly, fast, slow, starting quiet and getting louder etc.  It's a fun game and can get her to exercise some self control as long as there's enough "faster" paced activities in there and I vary it a lot to keep her engaged enough to carry on following my lead; this level of cooperation would never happen if she knew she was doing it.  It's a really good way to gradually reduce agitation levels for Wyxling.

But yes, the last one we had that drove me round the bed was the Tiny Tim the Turtle song.

Slept a little better last night.  Bladelet's not sleeping as well because I've stopped giving him his dummy.  I didn't want to do it too soon because it does sooth him, especially at night (and when Wyxling's kicking off) and I didn't want to add to his stress at an already difficult time.  Hubby has refused to use it for about 2 months now while I just give it him, but I don't like the inconsistency.  I am a little irritated with hubby for just making this decision without me.  He won't argue or talk about it, he just refuses to give it him.  Grizzle grumble.  Anyway, I thought it was the right time.  He's been a lot more settled since Wyxling started nursery and we're getting more time together at a slightly slower pace.  I want him to let me sooth him, rather than having the dummy sooth him, which can be an issue at times, and we do seem to be getting there.  We had a few really bad nights the first few nights I didn't let him have it, but he's gradually waking less and being less upset when he does, but he does want a little cuddle before he goes back off to sleep without it, and I'm going with that at the moment.  

But, he's screaming himself to sleep at bedtimes and naptimes, he wants the dummy, he can't say it, but he signs it, and I'm sure he knows I know what he wants, so he gets really quite angry about the whole thing, until he wears himself out and cuddles up and falls asleep.  Still think it might be a little soon but we've started now so we'll continue.

He's got cold as well and being massively cranky at times.  In fact with today being the first day back after half term for Wyxling, they've both been very cranky.  I am quite proud of myself for remaining completely calm and on top of them all day, and despite the tantrums and extreme toddleryness, we've had an OK day.

In other news, the HV was out today - a trainee who's working with our usual HV.  Bladelet really plays for the crowd and was of course adorable.  She seemed very pleased with his development and didn't nag me at all about all the usual things.  Yes, I still give him a bottle, no, he's not feeding himself much, I give him a spoon sometimes but mostly I feed him, no, I don't currently take him to any toddler groups since Wyxling started preschool, and probably won't for another couple of months.  She just said he was obviously doing very well and he was bright and alert and knew exactly what was going on so she was sure he'd pick things up when he needed to.  

Weight wise he hadn't put any on since his last weigh in which was 3 months ago, which I was a bit concerned about.  He's only 9th percentile for weight, and he's 50th for height, but she wasn't worried, just said most babies have lots of fat until they get properly active, and he is very active for his age and couldn't look healthier.  He does a lot of walking now, he easily walks half a mile across the park albeit at his own speed, and he walks part of ever trip out we take unless he's in need of a sleep.  That's before he starts scampering around getting into mischief.  I like how busy he is.  I am a little paranoid with both babies about hyperactivity because of bm's drug use, and Wyxling at times does lean in that direction, but Bladelet doesn't seem to, he's just busy!  

I think I will increase his food intake a little anyway.

Hope you're well and getting a bit more sleep now.  Bladelet has just started grizzling again, so I better go and fluffle him before he upgrades to full on screaming!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Yes our social worker spoke to us about using songs to help regulate emotions on Friday. We have been doing row row with the crocodile and scream at the end and round and round the garden with lots of tickling. Also the turtle song is also popular at bath time with the big pop! Do love singing and luckily so does little pink! She's now started instigating now by pulling my arms or putting her finger on her palm, which is lovely

Glad health visitor was behaving! Sounds a positive session and I hope he is on the mend now.

Have a good day


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## Wyxie

Planning for Wyxling's birthday, really looking forward to it, except the cake.  I just don't have time to do something really good this year.  Might cheat and get Wyxling to help me make the cake itself and just decorate it later on, although we do need some cake mix to make it to the oven so maybe not.

So many cool toys out there, let's hope something will hold her attention while I do some hoovering at some point!


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## Wyxie

So, I have been trying to get Wyxling referred to Speech and Language for help with speech (not language). Her vocabulary is very good for her age, as is her sentence structure, but her pronunciation is absolutely beyond awful, and even I often can't understand what she's trying to say now. She has completely refused all our efforts for the last 17 months to try and get her to break words down into parts, make particular sounds on queue (e.g., she can say pea, but won't say na-pee, she will only say babatt, which was how she learned to say it at around 13 or 14 months old). My husband has managed to get her to change how she says about half a dozen words in that time, otherwise whatever comes out on the first go is what we're stuck with. We repeat things back correctly, try to play games with sounds, all the things people have managed to suggest, and she sits there and looks sulky and refuses to say anything right. HV referred her for a hearing test, because they wanted to rule out glue ear. She was in the least cooperative mood I have seen for some time today and I know what she's like in these situations, she just sits on my lap, sticks her lower lip out, and refuses to say anything. She won't open her mouth at the dentist, stick her tongue out at the doctors, or answer any questions professionals ask her. I find it incredibly frustrating and upsetting.

When it came to getting her out the house this afternoon she wouldn't put her clothes on, socks on, shoes on, wouldn't follow me downstairs, had to carry Bladelet down, go back, get her, carry her down, she was lying on the floor in a massive sulk kicking the front room door as hard as she could while I got me and Bladelet ready, not a tantrum, just a massive thing. I've spent the whole day trying to be as calm and as positive as I could with her and she's just got worse and worse. In the end I took her out in her pants and vest and when stood on the front drive in the pouring rain crying she finally agreed to put the rest of her clothes on, keep them on, and walk to the bus stop. She fussed the whole way there about where we were going, with who, who to see, kept deliberately saying we were doing different things to try and get me to correct her and tell her again what was happening. I was pretty convinced by this point that the whole trip was a complete waste of time and we were getting soggy for nothing.

We went in, she didn't want to sit on the chair on her own, she wanted to sit with me. I moved a big chair next to her and held her hand, and talked to the ladies doing the test. She messed around with a box of toys but wouldn't really play, just wanted to give things to me, while I talked to the women there. I hate answering questions about things like this in front of Wyxling, because no matter how I try and paraphrase, she absolutely understands what I say, and essentially my answers to her questions were no, I don't think there's anything wrong with her hearing, but her speech is now significantly delayed largely because she's so damn awkward.

Anyway, the audiologist explained the first "game" they wanted Wyxling to play and to my complete amazement she cooperated completely. To start with she was getting her toy to move things around when they heard the noises, which she often does in situations she's unsure of and I encourage it because it generally gets her moving in the right direction. I'd been trying to tell her the games would be fun, and I don't think she really thought it was fun, but she could do it, and did exactly what the lady asked her to with no attempt to mess anyone around at all. She thought it was funny that there were some very high noises that she could hear, and that Mummy couldn't hear. Her hearing, as expected, is absolutely fine, so referral to speech and language and they can attempt to get her to engage.

Took her home and then even more shocking, she actually went along with my attempts to get her to say some words and we have doing, instead of doo-ya, going, instead of go-ya, ready instead of reh-reh and buggy instead of buh-buh. After dinner, completely unprompted, we had banana, instead of na-na, which I've never even tried to get her to say as people can understand that one anyway.

Well, bloody hell. My husband got the shock of his life when he got home from work and she asked if Daddy was _going_ to get her _ready_ for bed tonight.

She was ridiculously pleased with herself so I'm just hoping we can get more cooperation like this tomorrow!

What an exhausting day. Hoping this cooperation lasts. Hoping we can break the mammoth sulk that's going on the entire time I'm getting her ready to go out in the morning for nursery, and that I don't need to take her out in her underwear again - I don't let her make us late for things with the controlling stuff if I can help it. Just so tired.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad she cooperated with the audiologist.  Speech is a funny thing seems like there's a large element of choice for Wyxling.  Hope the progress continues x x


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## Wyxie

Thanks DIY Diva, I do too!

Anything which gives Wyxling a large element of choice tends to go badly! We try to limit it normally. Anyway, she has attempted another word today; we have upgraded wer-wer to war-der (attempting water), which given she struggles a bit with 't' I am just going with for now - at least most people will know what she's talking about! Tomorrow I'm going for wibble wobble, because "ble" is something which she can definitely say, but almost never uses in the right place, so I figure that might be a fun way to get her started on that sound. I imagine there will be a lot of "jelly on the plate" going on tomorrow, and I might make some up for her for dinner if she gives it a good go! She's just so ridiculously pleased with herself for the words she's learned to say. As is often the case with Wyxling, when we get some progress and she feels like she's achieved something (albeit something she could have done ages ago but refused to) she is suddenly incredibly pleased with herself, really proud, and it puts her in a much better mood. We've had a pretty good day overall in toddler world, and when Bladelet was asleep this afternoon we had the most wonderful hour together. I often have good time with Wyxling now, but it's almost always hard work, because to get that good time, there's a million tiny management things I need to do to make sure I keep things going the right way, and it makes it very hard to relax. A couple of times recently she's been genuinely relaxed and happy, and I've been able to just relax, play with her, and enjoy her company, her sense of humour, which is delightful and quite cheeky, and her occasional seriousness about very tiny play related things, such as today when she brought her upstairs bag of animals downstairs to play with her duplo animals, and the rest of her blocks, and she very carefully introduced them all to each other, and did the voices for all of them asking each other's names "what _your_ name" "my name tiger, what _your_ name?"

Had a lovely relaxed morning with Bladelet, turns out he quite likes Paul Simon so we both danced, he rearranged things, and brought me a series of toys to cuddle ("aaaaah") and then give to him to cuddle ("aaaah") while I did a bit of cleaning, lots of singing (he loves me singing along to songs, which is great) although he did scream for the last 10 minutes or so - he's hopeless at coping with me doing any housework - and then I got to spend an hour or so sat playing with him. He is the most incredibly rewarding baby to sit and play with. He can be a little rascal when he's not getting attention or what he wants, and I'm starting to get a bit worried about how many tantrums he's having and how much screaming himself to sleep he's doing (while I hold him) and I'm just hoping that I'm just being a bit paranoid because of the situation. But, when he has my undivided attention and we sit and play together, he is delightful, happy, and very affectionate.

Anyway, the quality time I'm getting with my babies from time to time is just making things so much better right now. The heating is broken, I can't get any clothes dried (so the ironing I was about to go and do is now off the menu and Wyxling is going to pre-school without uniform tomorrow), my cat keeps pooing in the lounge, and we are both tired from not enough sleep, but feeling quite hopeful about how things are going.

Birthday celebrations this weekend, lots of relatives, I will doubtless be tearing my hair out by Monday.


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## Sq9

. Long may the good progress continue


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## Wyxie

It would be more likely to continue if my husband could get a grip.  Sometimes I feel like it takes him about 20 minutes on Saturday morning to undo everything we've achieved in the last week.  So upset at the moment.


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## Dudders




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## MummyAuntieKatie

Wyxie said:


> It would be more likely to continue if my husband could get a grip. Sometimes I feel like it takes him about 20 minutes on Saturday morning to undo everything we've achieved in the last week. So upset at the moment.


I really get this! We have a fairly good week, no tantrums or attention crying then at weekends it all slides backwards, and why don't mums ever get to go off duty? Even when DH is home I can never truly switch off and I can't remember the last time he went out with BB and left me in peace, yet all week I have to think of activities to keep him amused&#8230; Grrr, that just struck a cord with me Wyxie! x


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## Wyxie

AuntieKatie I'm so sorry to hear that.  Everyone really does need a break at some point.

In theory hubby gets up with the kids on Saturday, me on Sunday, but I invariably end up getting up and sorting out Wyxling when they get up, because he keeps trying to put her back in bed and doesn't understand that it is completely normal for a nearly 3 year old to refuse to stay in bed in the morning and it's not just Wyxling being Wyxling.  However her response to it is awful, and she gets in a dreadful state if he keeps doing it, so to save the arguement I just get up when she comes in and get her ready, and Bladelet wakes up in the progress so he reluctantly gets up.  In theory I go back to bed for an hour or so but it never ends in sleep.  This morning I decided I was having the sleep and he did get up after the third attempt to put her back failed, and I actually got back to sleep, and was woken fifteen minutes or so later by Wyxling screaming and crying and hubby shouting at her to stop crying and repeating the same question to her again and again trying to get her to say what he wanted.  I went down and picked her up and took her away so of course hubby was furious with me for undermining him.  He gets into these stupid stand offs with her and can't seem to get it out his head that he's an adult and should behave better.  It doesn't annoy me that he gets cross, so much as that he doesn't get that he's the one that needs to change and that Wyxling isn't going to until he does.

Anyway, after a pretty horrendous start to the day we picked things up and the afternoon was OK, but I wish I felt more comfortable leaving him with Wyxling.  If she starts to go he just handles it horrendously most of the time and I simply cannot get him to see it, or to avoid things.  I know he's tired, he works hard, he comes home, and doesn't exactly get the best out of family life all the time, but that's in part because he's simply not learned to keep his emotions from showing in his tone and face and will make no effort to try.  It was one of the things that always worried me most about having kids.  He speaks to me like crap and I hate it, but I've learned to live with it because he is a good man, and he's very honest, which is part of the problem.  He simply can't/won't lie with his face and tone in the house, he has no tact at all, and Wyxling is becoming very aware of it, and also very aware of how he speaks to me at times.  The TV broke yesterday morning and Wyxling was near it at the time.  I told hubby she had nothing to do with it, but in his eyes she is the "bad" child and he was convinced she'd done something, angry, and while he didn't shout, he was incredibly cold with her the whole time before he went out, and she was upset, but not in a crying way, and I knew I'd have to jump through 17 hoops to get her mood sorted out and avoid things just going downhill.  He treats her like she's bad, and she becomes bad, and it upsets me so much.  Bladelet, on the other hand, can do no wrong in his eyes, and everything is rosy, but in fact he's actually quite a naughty toddler, and I'm not totally convinced that the level of tantrums/behaviour I'm getting from a 15 months old is completely normal, but hubby simply won't see that.  I don't think it's on Wyxling's level mind you, but it's certainly concerning at times, and hubby treats the one like he can do no wrong, and Wyxling like she's really bad, on a regular basis.

I don't think it's as bad overall as that sounds, but on the bad days, it is.  I just wish he'd get a bit of a grip, but I can't deny that he's under a huge amount of pressure at the moment, and also, my opinion is never going to change his behaviour.  It just doesn't work like that here.

Anyway, I feel like I have to be there all the time to do the management to make sure things don't go downhill.


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## Wyxie

I can't believe it's only three years ago tomorrow that our last cycle of IVF ended with our third miscarriage.  So long, and yet still remembered, all of them, and missed.  

But tomorrow is our incredible daughter's third birthday, and that's what  I'll be thinking about tomorrow.  Things aren't always easy or straightforward in our family, but I most definitely wouldn't change anything if I could.  Presents are wrapped, little girl is tucked up in bed after an evening snuggled up and watching all the fireworks out the window.  We have a wonderful day planned, of presents, painting, family, making the most of the good weather, and a lovely meal.  I spent yesterday afternoon baking with my daughter, making her birthday cake; she hasn't seen it since it was decorated though so it will still be a surprise for her.

It's been a very long three years for all of us, but, I hope, we are finally starting to get there.  I just can't wait to see her face when she opens her presents, or her brother's face when he realises there's ribbon and wrapping paper everywhere and he can do what he wants with it.  I can't wait to see her face when she comes stumbling into my bedroom _far_ too early in the morning, before she's even properly woken up, because it's always me she comes to as soon as she wakes up.  I sincerely hope I'll be able to get her back off to sleep for a bit with a snuggle mind you, and before she wakes her little brother up and he starts singing!

I look at my children and while part of me rages at the injustice of how difficult things have been at times for all of us over the last three years, but particularly for them, the other part of me cannot believe how lucky we have been that our lives have ended up as they have.

But for tonight I'll have a glass of wine and be sad for the babies that didn't make it, and not feel guilty about it.

Best wishes to everyone.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

Three words,you are amazing


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## GERTIE179

Oh wow - such a lovely heart felt post. Lots of hugs and definately enjoy your precious girls day and how far you have come in this journey x


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## Wyxie

Thank you for your support.  I did, indeed, manage to enjoy the day.  It's incredible to be able to spend time with Wyxling and family and not have it be massively stressful and upsetting.  It was hard work balancing both kids needyness, and Wyxling was pushing boundaries and testing things with guests, but no more than any child her age would and once it became clear that rules are still rules when people are here, she had her sulk, and was fine.  She was very controlling with grannies and auntie, but again, much more within the normal range of behaviour than we used to get, and most importantly, she wanted to come back to me and wasn't pushing me away.  She wanted cuddles with me at bedtime.

Bladelet did really well and has been adorable all day.  I think he was a little stressed out by Grannies passing him round for cuddles at the end of the day and they did go over the top and I was a big grumpy about it, but 45 minutes or so together with me putting him to bed, calming him from his quite twitchy state, and lots of cuddles and songs and getting him to sleep, and I felt much better about it.

Wyxling has been ridiculously spoiled.  Hubby and I gave her her presents downstairs this morning and she ripped them all open.  We just gave her a few bits and bobs, bead jewellery, a hat she'd seen and wanted, some tiny dollies, and a couple of other little things.  We had breakfast and took her upstairs, telling her she needed to take her dollies up because they were so small we couldn't keep them in the front room because Bladelet would eat them.  Hubby sent her in her bedroom to find them a new home, and we'd sneaked the massive doll house that was her real present from us in while she was downstairs.  I bought it about 5 months ago in a closing down sale because it was such a good bargain.  It's a really big solid wooden dolls house which opens out and has a massive amount of solid wood tiny furniture, right down to the little plates to go on the table.  She was so excited, and spent ages sat on my lap moving in her dollies and having a very serious conversation with them about which room should be the bathroom, which should be the babies room etc, arranging furniture, putting tiny pillows on beds, tucking in dollies etc.  I love it when she's like that, engaged, imaginative, happy, but quite serious about it.

I took her to a local pot painting cafe this morning so we could get some "us" time, and we painted her a kiddie size dinner plate to pick up next week.  I was going to get her to paint it herself, but she wanted me to help, so we covered it in different coloured finger prints, brush swirls and splodges.  I parallel parked hubby's new (ish, about 4 months now) wider car for the first time, on the first attempt, and no paintwork was exchanged with the car in front or behind.  

Then had both grannies and granddads, and her aunt, here for the afternoon.  We had lunch, she loved the cake, was disappointed she couldn't eat the candles, but impressed otherwise!

Far too many presents, doctors case, best of all I think a tool belt, which she absolutely loved - she loves following my husband round and watching him and holding screws etc for him when he does DIY, and he's really patient explaining things to her.  She loves duplo and she got a whole new set of animals in a zoo vet set thing.  She's just been so engaged and doing interesting things.

It was a beautiful day so we ran their legs off in the park, bumped into one of her friends in the park which was nice and both of them love charging round the playgrounds, dinner was great, we forgot to put pudding in so they ended up having lemon meringue pie in their PJs after bath time, and best of all, Granny Cake brought fireworks, little ones, to have in the garden before bed.  Both of them thought this was just awesome.  

Just hoping the fall out tomorrow won't be too massive!

I know I was being unfair on hubby yesterday, he does so many good things with the kids and I know he's tired and stressed, I just wish he could get through an hour or so on Saturday morning without getting into a major "thing" with Wyxling to give me a lie in once a week!  Also, that he could learn to pretend not to be cross!

Anyway, tired, house is a right state after the visitors, not helped by me using every available surface to attempt to dry washing in our heatingless (until Thursday) house, but a good day.

Let's see what the fall out is like tomorrow.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad you had a good birthday for Wyxling.  How today isn't too disruptive.  Husbands are hard work however much you love them.  So don't worry we all get what they are like x x


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## Wyxie

I am having a very down day today.  Some days I feel on top of the world, or at least marginally in control of my own life and my children's, full of energy and drive and opinions and a desire to be involved in something, anything, where I feel like I'm doing something useful.  Some days I just feel down.  Today is a down day.  I know there are reasons why today is a down day, despite lots of very positive things involving children, but knowing doesn't always help, somehow.

Hormones are at play, it's the dreaded wrong time of the month, and although medication keeps me sane and functioning through the 2-5 days when my body attempts to send my brain into gaga-land, it still effects me probably considerably more than average.  Knowledge doesn't help, oddly, something which I have never understood, but it doesn't.

It has suddenly struck me that I am very isolated at the moment.  It hadn't really bothered me or even occurred to me that much, but hubby came home in a very wired mood and it was abundantly obvious that he did not want to listen to me wibble about child related anything, but let's face it, my days are pretty much taken up with child related something or other, and barring one trip out a week which I'll come on to in a minute, in a normal week I don't actually meet with anyone now that I don't take Wyxling to play groups.  I haven't really felt the urge to take Bladelet anywhere yet, the options are limited in the time Wyxling is in nursery anyway, I certainly can't get to any of the groups I used to go to where there are people I know, because I don't currently have the use of a car.  I'm not really in the mood for going to new groups and meeting other new Mums at the baby stage, and I feel like we need the time at home right now more than we need play groups, at least for a few months.  I've promised myself I'll start taking him to a couple in the new year and make the effort to meet new people.

I've recently started seeing a counsellor, reluctantly to be honest, counselling is not something I really feel comfortable with, but I also recognise the need for it.  I don't talk to her about adoption related anything, more some past issues which got dug up by the assessment process, and thrown in my face every time I had to meet someone new, in a way that's really unsettled me.  It was ironic, really, that they kept telling me that this was something that may be "re-triggered" by a child, when actually it was the professionals who kept prodding me about it that really kicked things off again.  Anyway, whatever the reason, I started seeing a counsellor a few months after Wyxling was placed, but never really felt she was helpful, she honestly had no idea what to make of me, and I decided to give it a break and start seeing someone else after Bladelet was placed.  I don't know what exactly I make of the woman I'm seeing now.  I certainly feel no rapport or connection with her, and she definitely has a whole heap of qualities which irritate the hell out of me, but I think that is probably true of counsellors in general;  all this empowering language ******** leaves me completely cold.  I also have to be honest, and say that I find it very difficult to put faith in someone who I know is quite simply nowhere near as bright as I am, to help me.  Anyway, having decided that in general, counsellors are probably going to annoy me quite a lot and not be as intelligent as I might like someone I'm talking to about the intimate details of my life, I feel like I have to just get on with it and give it a go.  So I am doing.  But I find the sessions quite difficult, and last night's was very difficult.  I slept very badly and have just felt completely disconnected from reality for most of the day.  The kids have irritated me by being toddlers, which normally I'm fairly good at just breezing through, and I just want some time alone.  Also some sleep, but I have a feeling that may not come easily again today.

I just don't feel myself, and I don't like feeling this needy around my children.  Bladelet is a baby, albeit a very bloody into everything one, and very snuggly and accommodating when he's on his own, assuming I'm not asking him to do anything unreasonable like leave my stuff alone, but Wyxling is much more complicated and I'm very concious that on days like today, I have unrealistic and unreasonable hopes for what I should get out of our relationship.  I want to snuggle up with her, do quiet things, make her smile, be able to play little games without worrying I'll send her hyper.  I want to be able to be with both of them without it turning into a fight for my attention, my lap, my cuddles, etc, and today they have been particularly bad.  I really did just want to get out and go in the kitchen, to stop feeling pulled so many ways at once.  At least then they would have both united in a sulk/strop at the kitchen door!

Anyway, difficult day, I know mostly of this is going to feel much better in a day or two, if I'm lucky, maybe three or four if I'm not, but right now, I just feel flat and all out of emotional energy to spend on anyone.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

Be kind to yourself xxxx


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## GERTIE179

Aww Wxyie big hugs - really wishing you some peace & rest soon
X


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## Arrows

Huge hugs. Sound like you really me some proper rest time to renew and refresh. Are you an extrovert or an introvert? When was the last time you had an evening off to go be 'you'? Is it possible?


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Don't fight the way you feel, don't feel guilty for it. You can't be superwoman all the time, everyone needs a break, a sleep, to vent and cry. Go with it and if it's a bad day today then know that good ones are bound to come


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## Wyxie

Thank you, everyone, as usual, for the support.  Arrows, I honestly can't answer that any more.  I'm certainly not shy, but often people just do my head in and I sit quietly and watch the world go by.

Maybe I am just all toddlered out this week.  Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  Hormones are going, at least the evil ones, now I just have them telling me to eat a whole tin of twiglets and anything that even looks like chocolate that might be in the cupboard.  Those hormones are the ones I get along well with.

I really, seriously, need some adult company.  Normally I would say hubby is enough, but he's stressed and fed up and the last thing he wants to hear from me when he gets home is half an hour or none stop child related wibble because I've had no-one to talk to all day, and as usual with hubby, it shows.

Tomorrow, I'm determined to have that bloody lie in and use ear plugs if need be so I don't know what he's doing with the kids!

Hope you're all well, 

Wyxie xx


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Dh has a struggle with BB sometimes, he wants to control and that's not always the best way (with any child) but Bb's SW said to me once that I have to let them find their way.  Dh needs to find the way that works and that's his job, I can't do his job for him and I need to take a step back and let them evolve.  It's hard to stop worrying, trying to make it work for them both but we aren't super women and we do need support from our partners so I have tried to keep out of the way (especially when it's my turn for a well earned lie in) and let them find a way together.  Big hugs xxx


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## Wyxie

I wish I could be so laid back, because I think you're basically right about letting them work it out, but at the same time I'm not sure about hubby managing that, in fact I'm pretty certain he won't on his own.  I very firmly believe hubby does need help with Wyxling, we both did.  We've had a couple of meetings with therapist, most recently this week, and he really does seem to have tried to take advice on board.  He was getting to the stage of genuinely thinking she was being malicious and nasty, and he really struggles to see things in context of her age, because he feels like she has a good understanding - she is quite bright - and struggles to reconcile that with a child whose actually emotionally quite immature.  Anyway, they managed OK today, he was fluffier, she was better with him too, I have been pushing them towards each other all week, and we had a great, if very busy day.  Wyxling actually got through the day without a major meltdown which is a good one atm.  We're getting a lot of very toddlery toddlerness from both of them on top of other issues and tbh I have been going a bit stir crazy at times this week.  If I have hauled screaming children out the door/up the street/rammed them into clothes, buggy, reigns, etc once, I've done it about a million times.  But also lots of really, really positive stuff, and I know things are getting much better.

Anyway, I reserve the right to prod hubby.  He needs it, he knows he does, but resents it, and get very cross with me before he can say that actually he does know it, which is hard for me when he's my only adult contact atm.

Anyway, we have had a very busy with boring stuff but at the same time really nice day.  I didn't go back to sleep after the kids got up, but I did stay in bed for an hour, and Wyxling didn't come in until 7:20 (YAY)!  Got lots of stuff done, and had a lovely afternoon pottering and playing with the kids and sorting a bit of housework out.  We did lots of stuff involving duplo and mega-blocks and very tall towers, which mostly fell over on stuff and babies.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I sometimes wonder if we are married to the same man!!    DH is the same, he thinks BB should do as he's told just because Daddy says so and also needs prodding but resents it as he sees it as me always being critical, but when it comes down to it he knows I'm right.

I also find it hard to stay out of the way because I can see them winding each other up and it escalating and just getting worse although he has started to have better bedtimes as BB has decided her prefers showers and they have a bit of fun playing with the water.  At the moment though teeth brushing is a high trauma!  BB is using that as a weapon to thump DH with and DH rises to the bait…    I just keep telling myself it will get better as DH gets more used to being a daddy and BB grows up…


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## Wyxie

MummyAuntieKatie said:


> I sometimes wonder if we are married to the same man!!




The thing is that at one level hubby understands, but he just can't seem to get his head round it when applied to our family.

The problem with attempting to out control children who're very controlling, is that it almost inevitably backfires. You can make them do so many things, but if you do just force them to do things they don't want to, then when it comes to the ones you absolutely can't - toilet/change related, teeth brushing, dressing as they get older, eating, talking - they can and will simply refuse and good luck trying to get them to back down again. Wyxling will absolutely not do her teeth for my husband. She has massive control issues and these are in some ways seeming to get better, although they are still very much there, and hubby finds it hard. He does try and persuade her to do them sometimes, but it's always with an underlying threat and we both know very well that in a lot of these control situations consequences simply do not work with Wyxling. He simply can't just pick her up and give her a cuddle when she starts getting stubborn, once she refuses to do something he is locked into that fight and can't move around it and come back to it. Doesn't always work, but often does.

Sometimes I just want to knock him over the head to get some sense into him. It infuriates me that he engages in these childish fights with her, and then says incredibly stupid things like "she started it" and doesn't seem to understand why that makes me so angry, because _she's 3 and he's 31_ and so I somewhat foolishly perhaps expect a little more self control from him!

Actually he's been pretty good this weekend, we've both done well with them, and they've been quite good fun. Wyxling got very overwhelmed by a trip to family this afternoon (my grandparents and they had some friends there which I hadn't expected) but although she wouldn't talk and completely withdrew, she did at least come to me to do it and cuddled up on my lap before trying to drag me off to another room to play. Bladelet was surrounded by old ladies and in his absolute element; they're like putty in his hands as soon as they see his big eyes and cheeky smile and boy does he know it! But, Wyxling didn't blow up and we got her nicely calmed down and had a good dinner and bathtime with them both so overall, a really good weekend by our standards. Long may it continue.

I am waffling again, but hope you had a good weekend too, it's tough sometimes because we look forward to the weekend all week, then it gets here, and sometimes I wonder why we were looking forward to it so much! Trying to get out of that mentality.


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## gettina

Just popped on to say I'm thinking of you wyxie and hoping your week has had a decent start. X
Gettina


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## Wyxie

Thanks gettina, we have had a good week.


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## Wyxie

Wyxling is generally doing well but a really unpredictable and over-emotional bundle at the moment.  She was poorly last week, just a cold but it really hit her hard which is so unusual for her, but behaviour didn't take a big hit, she was just very needy and easily upset, and I have been doing my best to baby her as much as she'd let me and as I'm able given I have utterly buggered up my back (sneezing, for crying out loud, I am in a considerable amount of pain).  Wyxling is now much better, although very tired, and Bladelet is now really ill, probably the same thing, and between the coughing (and coughing and coughing), snot, phlem, and impressive and unpredictable projective vomit, we've had a tiring weekend, but he does at last seem to be sleeping so I shall follow shortly!  My word lack of sleep does not agree with me!

Generally I feel like things are going in the right direction at the moment, although I'm too tired to elaborate.

Also, somewhat out the blue, a friend just posted a scan picture on f/b (I really hate it when people do that, although I realise it's just become a done thing now) and it completely knocked me for six.  It's not that I really want a biological child any more, I don't want any more children at the moment and if we do in the future it would definitely be through adoption.  In fact we're using contraception (currently using the far too bloody tired method, which I hear is pretty damn successful  ) and have been in one form or another since before we were approved, although the chances of me conceiving naturally are very slim, and carrying to term even more so, I just didn't want to leave that door open.  But it did really knock me, and I'm just feeling very tearful and in need of sleep now.  I just want things to be simpler, for us and our kids.

Hope everyone is well.  Actually things are good here, I'm just too tired to think straight, and I hate seeing other people's scan photos, really, really, hate it.

Wyxie xx


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## Sq9




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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs I know what you mean nothing is private anymore.  I often wonder how this generation will feel knowing their whole life from conception is on the Internet.  I would have been horrified but I am a very private person. X x


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## Arrows

I love your updates Wyxie -totally in the same boat with the 'far too tired' method!!


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## AoC

Wyxie, I read this from a while back, and it made me ROFL as I recognised the thought so well from my own forays into counselling!  "I also have to be honest, and say that I find it very difficult to put faith in someone who I know is quite simply nowhere near as bright as I am, to help me."  That is exactly it.  And sometimes I find myself laying traps or being manipulative in a session (haven't had any for ages, but I remember it well) to test them as much as they're testing me.  Not that I'm proud of it.  *eyeroll*

And I completely identify with knowing that the perception of reality from behind a barrage of hormones is not accurate, but that knowledge making no difference to how you feel...

I remember in the early days dreading weekends, because I had to do everything I did in the week, AND 'look after' husband as well.  They're better now, lots better.  My top tip is biscuits in bed.  LOL!

Wishing you a good week, and an even better weekend.


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## Wyxie

Thank you everyone for the replies.  I am doing my best with the counsellor, although I did get quite annoyed with her this week because she just wasn't getting what I was trying to say, but it's something that I struggle to talk about coherently at times, so as she pointed out to me, it's not entirely her fault that she doesn't get what I can't seem to say.  I wasn't especially in the mood to be rational about it.

I feel like things are generally going quite well at the moment, but I'm too tired to think about it too much most days.  We're going from day to day and not thinking too far ahead just now.  I feel immersed in child trivia, and that's OK right now.  Bladelet has fully mastered getting onto the sofa, and every time I turn my back for even a split second he's galloping from one end to the other and falling off.  He is, in general, being a complete little monster for all my stuff, and he knows exactly what he's doing.  He's also playing silly b*ggers with food, and then being cranky because he's hungry.  I'm just not taking that one too seriously at the moment, and trying to persuade hubby to stop desperately trying to get him to eat, because I am absolutely certain he's after attention.  At the same time he's very often a lovely, smiley, adorable baby.  My quiet time with Bladelet in the morning, when Wyxling is at nursery and I've done a bit of housework, and we just sit down on the floor for an hour or so and snuggle, play, read stories, relax, is wonderful and we both have really needed this.  I keep putting off going to any groups because this time with just the two of us feels like me time.  Bladelet, for all he's being incredibly troublesome at the moment, doesn't in any way prevent me relaxing, as long as I'm not attempting to accomplish anything drastic, like a bit of hoovering or getting the washing in the machine.

Wyxling is doing well at nursery, and seems to be settling there.  We had some big wobbles last week when she was poorly and she didn't want to be left, but that's also good; she was poorly and she wanted Mummy.  Her speech is improving at last and this is really helping both of us!  She's seriously, putting some effort into learning to pronounce the words she knows.  This has been a major problem for so long now, she has so much to say and the vocabulary to do so, but no-one understands because she simply refused to even attempt to change the incorrect pronunciation of just about everything.  Suddenly she's cooperating.  Not all the time, but often enough we're making massive progress, and as is often the case with Wyxling, having been persuaded to do something she's steadfastly refused to do for so long, she is incredibly pleased with herself when she manages to do it.  I often think that for all the incredibly stubborn defiance she has about refusing to try new things, in general, because we are encouraging her to, there is a deep routed fear of failure.  I don't think that's the only reason she's so stubborn about things, but I do think that's a part of it.  It feels like she's becoming more and more a "normal" toddler.  She's stroppy, listens to almost nothing I say, and has an argument for absolutely everything.  She's delightfully adorable without meaning to be, when she's going about her very important business of being little and doing stuff.  She's learning to play, thank goodness, sometimes without me right there, albeit reluctantly at times.  There are still some big regulation issues, which she is making progress with slowly.  She still pushes me away a lot, which is incredibly hard at times, because I am a very demonstrative person and having that rebutted as often as not is really difficult for me, and I struggle to hide that.  But, she also doesn't push me away a lot of the time now, and I have to accept that time I do get and the massive improvement this is on where we were in the past; when she's receptive, she is really affectionate.  She has started saying sorry when she's done things she shouldn't.  We haven't had many violent outbursts at all the last few weeks which is great.  Even when I make her sit with me to calm down (I guess what most people would call time in, although I don't, because I don't want it to seem like a punishment, just me knowing that she needs to stay with me until she's got herself under control again) which would in the past have always resulted in her raging to get away from me.

We are tired, everyone's poorly, hubby is still struggling a lot with Wyxling and this makes me more sad than I can explain.  He's just not putting enough effort in with Wyxling to get back what he wants.  It feels like he's waiting for her to fix, rather than trying to fix the relationship himself.  She's actually really trying a lot with him and he's often abrupt with her, then she sulks and behaviour goes downhill rapidly.  I am struggling to get hubby to see how differently he responds to Bladelet and Wyxling.  I'm hoping that once he's feeling better again he might buck his ideas up a bit because I'm going to get quite cross otherwise.

But despite that things are going OK, I think.  Life is starting to feel more normal, I am starting to feel more like a "normal" mum, and both my children are incredible.  The everyday things they do that make me laugh, or smile, or get cross, are making me so ridiculously over-emotional at the moment.  I think for the first time since Wyxling was placed I am starting to feel like I can enjoy my children as me, their Mummy, instead of having to be half a therapist with the patience of a saint, because that's not me.  I am grumpy in the mornings, I do need a cuppa before they can mess me around, and I'm impatient sometimes, and I over-react sometimes, and I like to muck around with the kids even if I know it makes Wyxling hyper, and I think finally it's starting to feel that it's OK to be me, and maybe that will be enough.  I hope.


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## AoC

It sounds to me like you're making massive progress, both with the kids and emotionally yourself. You're incredible.  Have you ever visited Parenting with Crappy Pictures? One of my guilty faves here:- http://crappypictures.com/parenting-i-quit./


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

Everything I read in your diary is an inspiration, a truthful and helpful view into the 'real post-adoption world' 

Have you considered recording via web cam/ video camera (without him knowing) how he interacts differently with Bladlet and Wyxling and playing it back as an example?  Maybe if he could impartially view it he'd see the difference he fails to notice during 'active' interaction? 

I know a common theme with a lot of my friends husbands and my own is their refusal to notice facts until they're made irrefutable


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## GERTIE179

Echoing AoC - you are doing amazing and in such a short time all in all. I think your playing it right with DH, they need to get their relationship but he will regret not having such a wonderful relationship if he doesn't step back and be the grown up. Wonder if Wxyling gets some of his stubbornness ;-)
Good luck and hope you all get your groove back soon x


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## Wyxie

Thank you all for your responses.  This forum is always such a wonderful source of support from people who "get it".

AoC, that comic is great.  Hubby loved it too.  We used to spend ages curled up together reading silly comics online when we were much younger, and haven't for ages.

Bubble, thanks for your comments.  I do see where you're coming from and why it would work for some people, but I don't think recording hubby with a webcam would be a good idea.  I don't think he would respond positively to that.  He would also most definitely notice if I tried.  We are a house full of geeks and he is the geekiest of all.    

Last time I got him to be here for a meeting with Wyxling's play therapist (Wyxling not present) we managed to have a very good talk about Wyxling and what we are doing etc, I think having a third party in the room helps us with that.  I think I will try to get him to the next one.  He came home early tonight and he was in a really good mood.  He said that he'd been expecting Wyxling to be difficult and been surprised when he wasn't.  I did say then that she often isn't difficult now, but when he comes home in a bad mood she flips very quickly from whatever good mood she may have been in previously and he gets the worst of her.

Gertie, I do worry about Wyxling picking up a couple of hubby's bad habits that he can't/won't acknowledge.  But no, I don't think the stubbornness comes entirely from him.

The pictures we saw of her before we met her showed a very determined little girl, and I liked that, and despite all the problems we have had I still do like that.  When we had a lot of problems with Wyxling, in conversations with SS we had a number of comments along the lines of, "but you do have very cute/beautiful children" which really annoyed me.  It felt like the implication was we'd picked these children because they were pretty, and ignoring the potential problems; particularly annoying in light of the amount of information about Wyxling that was withheld from us prior to placement, was she was presented as a very straightforward "easy" child.  

It also makes me cross because beauty was not something that would have influenced our choice of children.  In fact the photos we saw of both of them pre-placement were utterly dreadful, in the context of the very gorgeous children they are.  It was actually Wyxling's stubborn look that in part drew me to her, and that was very clear in a couple of the photos we saw.  Bladelet was Wyxling's sibling and we were both drawn by his resemblance to Wyxling, but again, the photos we saw pre-placement were not great.  Conventional beauty/prettiness/cuteness was never something that either of us were bothered about, perhaps because neither of us are conventional or beautiful (although hubby does have eyes to die for!)  The whole thing with SS made me feel incredibly defensive about why we picked our children, and made me wonder if other people thought the same.  Odd for me, as I generally don't give a damn about what the majority of people think of me (perhaps not a good attitude, I realise).

I think my train of thought has got derailed again here somewhere.

Today, I have had a good day.  In fact I've had a good week children wise.  Yesterday was the worst day of the week by far and despite the sulking, tantrums, and general moodiness, we had no major explosions, although it wasn't a fun afternoon.  The good days have been lovely.  

Bladelet is just so damn snuggly and loveable when I have my play time to sit and spend time with him on my own.  I don't often pick up much in the way of toys, we just play.  I love singing, and he loves it too, and bounces up and down like a lunatic for his favourite songs.

Wyxling is doing so well with new words and it's really doing lots for her confidence.  She's often shy when she's with me.  I think by choice she would like me to do her talking for her, which is one of the reasons I think it's doing her good to be places without me sometimes.  I also think it's one of the reasons she still needs a lot of time with me.  Talking to other people is stressful for her, and while it's something she needs to do, she also needs some respite from this.

Thoughts wandering again, wine related I'm sure.

Anyway, I'm really proud of Wyxling at the moment.  She's doing so well at pre-school.  I get a report book home every other week and we had it today, and it really reinforced what I've been thinking.  She's getting more confident with others, talking a lot more to teachers and other children, trying very hard with everything new they're doing.  When we leave and go there's always a few others coming running up and saying "hello Wyxling" and wanting to play with her, and she's starting to get less shy.  She's learning to write her letters and numbers, and to hold her pencil properly.  She's concentrating on fiddly tasks well.  Basically she's doing really, really well.  I know it doesn't solve all the relationship and attachment problems we have, but it's such a huge relief to me that at least for now, she's cooperating with teaching staff.  I'm really, really glad I decided to go down the pre-school route rather than a private nursery, because the structure is really good for her.  She's learning lots of the behaviours she will need at school in terms of sitting and listening and concentrating and following instructions, and she doesn't have someone else babying her, which really wouldn't be good for her right now.  

She's also coped reasonably well with me being somewhat out of action (I hurt my back in a retarded sneezing/towelling hair dry incident).  Even a few months ago Mummy being in any way poorly would have just completely thrown her.

Bladelet is being a complete pita rascal, but a very loveable one.  I do wish he'd get on and start learning a few words!


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## Wyxie

And after feeling so positive yesterday, today I really am at a big low.

Hubby has really upset me.  I am very sensitive to the idea that I am not pulling my weight as the stay at home parent now not earning at all.  I had felt like I was doing lots and really I guess feeling quite proud of what I've been managing to do with the kids and fitting in what else I can around that, over the last couple of months.  Hubby clearly thinks I should be getting more done around the house and has been grumbling about things not getting done properly and has left me feeling like he believes I'm basically slacking or just not organising my time well enough to get everything done I should be able to do.  I have tried to get him to sit down and talk to me about it, and he's refusing.  He doesn't feel there's anything to be gained by it.  

Anyway, I'm tired and very upset and really quite lonely.  Have done some extra housework tonight after dinner and putting kids to bed, and will attempt to carry on doing this, but I've got cold, and I've pulled a muscle which is making standing very painful at the moment, let alone hauling the kids around, and all I really want to do after they go to bed is lie down.  

I feel like I've just had my performance review and been told I fall firmly in the "needs improvement" box.  It would be nice if this had come along with some acknowledgement that I'm doing OK with the kids, but I'm not sure he thinks that at the moment either.  He's dealing with Wyxling so badly at the moment, that he's not getting much good from her, and Bladelet is wonderful and can do no wrong and always has been anyway to him.

I hate not working, I had to stop working to have Bladelet, we both agreed that, but really wishing I could try and do something from home to earn some money now although how I would fit that in and the kids and everything else I have no idea.

Just not a good day.  I'm sure at some point hubby will lower himself to have a conversation with me about it, but right now, he's not saying anything, which normally means he thinks if he says what he thinks he will make things worse, or he's just tired and doesn't want the stress of a possible confrontation and dealing with me when upset.

I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but I am.  Feeling sorry for myself and more than a little overwhelmed by the thought of how I'm meant to do a good enough job at everything to feel like I'm pulling my weight in our household.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Your not simple.  This is me caring about you and giving tough love.  Your husband needs putting in his place over this as do most husbands who's wives stay at home. Children is a full time job.  One of you either stays at home and does this or you pay someone else.  Either way it is someones full time role. Your husband needs to do a share of the house work or accept it isn't done because that's life with children there isn't the hours in the day. He has no right to expect more and pandering to him is telling him he is right to think like this so don't. Do not put this unreasonable pressure on yourself.


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## GERTIE179

Awww honey, please please don't feel bad on you. I must admit that pre adoption leave I used to think how much I would get done being off work and how SAHMs must have immaculate houses. How wrong could I be?!? Looking after Los takes time but add in our LOs are needy and need more emotional input then it gets incredibly difficult to do other things. By all means you can look at your weekly schedule and see if you can do anything differently to help you out more ie time delay your washing to be washed overnight or what things work together on Sat morning when hubby can watch both kiddies.

Seriously hubby needs to walk in your shoes for a few days and get a grip.

I'm sorry this has made you feel this way
Ps my windows /glass doors continually have small fingerprints over them and I'm not sure I've cleaned the inside of my windows since lil man came home
X


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## Sq9

So sorry you are feeling like this.    You are doing the most amazing job and are truly inspirational in the way you have dealt with all of the issues you have faced since your fabulous children have been placed.  Perhaps you need to arrange some you time with hubby looking after both kids for a day to show him how difficult it is to have enough time to go to the loo on your own let alone anything else. Or suggest he comes on here and we will give him a piece of our minds  
Really hope he comes to his senses very soon and appreciates how lucky he is to have the most amazing wife and children


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## AoC

You are both working, it's just that you're working longer hours than he is, and don't get paid for them.  He goes out to work and gets to have social contact and a change of scene. You have to stay home to work and don't.  There are three 'jobs' in your household - childcare, wage earning, and housework.  You do the childcare, he does the wage earning, which leaves the housework to either be done by the invisible housework elves, or get split fairly between the both of you.

Of course, he could 'step up' and 'organise himself better' and earn more money so you could afford a cleaner.

Gah.  I hate this stupid attitude.    You deserve better.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

Wyxie - I hope today is better than the day before, the miles and miles you've travelled (just in this diary) is testament that you strongly fall in the 'exceeding all expectations' box NOT needs improvement  

I'm sure he doesn't mean to make you feel this way but it's probably much more about his own perceptions/imperfections and him unconsciously 'laying them' on you instead. 


ps. re my old post (recording him) I think I've watched too much super nanny


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## Wyxie

Absolutely knackered and things are very hectic here, but just wanted to say thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and for messages.  I really do appreciate it.  Sorry no personal responses.  Wyxie xx


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## Wyxie

I keep meaning to write something, and not quite managing it.  It's been such a busy few weeks, both practically and emotionally, and I'm completely done in, but things are, I think OK.  In usual me style there are big ups and downs, my mood swings are still quite extreme at times, and hubby is struggling a lot at the moment, I'm only just realising quite how stressed he is, largely because he hasn't really been talking to me much for quite a while, and I'm trying to put a lot of time in that direction, as well as the kids.

But I think things are going OK.  Hectic, really tough some days, but in the right direction.  Wyxling is making big steps forward, and has dealt really well with the incredible amount of stress she's clearly feeling at all the disruptions to her routine, and nursery, and home life, and the extra visits and family scrutiny, that Christmas is bringing.  She's really looking forward to Santa coming, and is happy excited as well as anxious excited.  She did incredibly well learning all the words for her school concert and I was so proud of her for being so brave, and learning all the songs and dancing so well, and she was so genuinely pleased to see us there, I just couldn't stop crying.  Bladelet seems to be doing really well.  He is so incredibly adorable and loveable and yet rascally to the point of me screaming and tearing my hair out.  He is also very naughty!  I know we're not meant to tell our kids they're naughty, and I don't, but my word he is!  Also so completely gorgeous while he's doing it.  His development, over which there are some concerns, appears to be progressing well, although he's still not talking which I have to admit is worrying me.  It wouldn't worry me if it wasn't for his history, because he's only 16 months, but it is doing, and I really wish he'd start talking a bit.

I think things would be great if only I could just get enough sleep to catch me up a bit!  The children don't sleep too badly, Bladelet isn't always great and he's been teething again, but we get a lot more sleep than a lot of parents, at least we should do, but I don't.  I'm just having real problems sleeping at the moment.

Last year Christmas was a wash out.  It was just awful for most of the Christmas holidays.  Wyxling was in such a complete state she fought none stop and we had very little good time together, and a lot of bad.  Christmas dinner was a write off; Wyxling kicked off so badly while I was getting it ready that it ended up sat on the side going cold for 45 minutes before we got her calm enough to sit down and eat it, sullenly.  The whole break was incredibly stressful, hubby clearly didn't want to be home with us, and I couldn't really blame him.

This year I'm actually really excited about Christmas and hopeful for a good day.  I'm sure there'll be upsets given the excitement, but I'm really, really looking forward to Christmas with hubby our babies.  

Also looking forward to seeing how my MIL copes with Bladelet's current habits, given how much she's had to say about how I'm clearly doing things wrong.  It'll be her stuff he's going after for the next three days, so I think I'm just going to sit back and watch how she handles it, just to see where I'm going wrong of course.  

Best wishes to all for a good Christmas, 

Wyxie xx


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## Wyxie

Completely skipping over Christmas, which was much better than last year, emotional, difficult at times, and quite stressful for various reasons largely extended family related, but much, much, better and Wyxling in particular had a good Christmas, I have been largely thinking about playing, and how to encourage positive play and a real engagement with play.

It often frustrates me that Wyxling can be destructive, or simply refuse completely to play.  I've tried so many different things to encourage her, and most of them have been pretty ineffective.  She just needs Mummy to be involved in everything if Mummy is there, and preferably in a way she designs, and it can make it really hard to have fun.  If Mummy is not involved and in the right way, she will become sullen and continually test with low level defiance and it's so incredibly wearing, and puts such a strain on our relationship, because the almost constant undercurrent is one of a power struggle, of conflict.

Bladelet is also currently very difficult to engage in play and frankly ridiculously hard to manage at times, but he is younger, and I tell myself that his behaviour is largely appropriate for his age, if a little extreme in some areas, and combined with a very high level of "needyness".

Anyway, recently I've combined a couple of ideas I've seen thrown around, and started trying to teach her how to play by example, in ways that she finds hard to refuse even if she's in her frequent and absolute most awkward "I'm not going to do what you want me to even if I know I'd enjoy it" moods.

It all starts while she's asleep, when Mummy goes in and arranges her toys to be doing something, or to look like they've been doing something.  Sometimes they get covered in spots and her room changes to the Dr's waiting room, sometimes they're sat around reading, or having a tea party and dishing out the cake, or getting dressed ready to go out.  She's really into miniature stuff, small dolls, Sylvanian Family (I can't believe they're still around) and duplo, which lends itself brilliantly to doing things like this.  Sometimes her teddies are up to mischief and have crayons out, or are in the process of emptying the waste paper basket onto the floor.  Sometimes they're in the process of tidying up and all putting things away.  Sometimes they're hiding behind all the obstacles I've put out in the bedroom, or using her tool set to fix stuff. 

I, of course, maintain absolutely this is nothing at all to do with me, and that her toys are just up to stuff when she's not around.  She knows that's not entirely true, but loves the idea, and tends to play along.  When I wake her up, especially after nap time, she's normally quite grumpy, and just wants to sulk and pick her nose, a habit I am attempting to bribe her out of with limited success. 

Now when I wake her up I give her a cuddle then pick her up and sit her on my knee in the middle of whatever's going on, and then "notice" what her toys have been up to while she's been snoozing, and start playing with them.  It really, really tickles her, that her animals and toys are up to stuff while she's asleep, especially when they're a little bit mischievous, and I do love it when I can make her smile.  If I grab the stethoscope and start listening to hearts and tell her which ones need ointment, which ones need to have their temperature taken and just expect her to cooperate, she just kind of falls into it, and will play really well with me for half an hour or so with almost complete cooperation.  More recently she's starting to develop things further on her own, and I can often get her into something and then after 10 minutes or so she will have taken over and be very seriously telling me what needs to be done and what's going on, and having little conversations between her toys, applying more spotty stickers to other toys who are now getting ill and taking them off ones that are getting better.  If I then go and quietly start doing something else, but remain reasonably available, she's quite likely to carry on playing on her own for a while.  She's even starting to get more involved in things that are completely outside her experience, like the rocket's just landed on another planet and the aliens (dinosaurs usually) are doing x, y and z, and the pilot's going to go out in the moon buggy and get cake (because presumably a world with aliens who didn't have cake shops is just inconceivable to a 3 year old), and she'll make up little muddled up complete nonsense stories and quietly potter along.

I find I enjoy playing with her more if I make sure I'm being proactive and in control of the situation at least to start with, because it avoids very repetitive and almost regimented play where we do the same things again and again almost by "rote" with Wyxling doing her best to control my every move and then showing more and more low level testing behaviour doing little things she knows I don't like and trying to see how far she can push it before I say something.  This isn't really play in my mind, it's just a form of conflict where we subtly fight for control, she doesn't enjoy it, I certainly don't, and I'm trying my best to avoid it if at all possible, even if it sometimes means we play together in the house less on the days when she's particularly struggling.  But once I can push her into using her imagination and getting involved, I like to let her take over and just go with things. 

Some days she's still very awkward, but if I can maintain enough enthusiasm and energy for what I'm doing, carry on playing with her toys, and just dismiss her sullen comments as her teasing me, she will almost certainly join in for at least a while.

It feels like just very, very slowly, we are making progress with this.


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## snapdragon

Wyxie I always love reading your diary. Wyxling reminds me so much of my lo. I find it so hard to get him to play and his behaviour lately has been quite difficult. The imaginative play sounds great. I think I might be borrowing some of those ideas. I think he would respond really well. We also had a good Christmas but it was stressful with my parent and MIL for 5 days.


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## Wyxie

Snapdragon, glad to hear you had a good Christmas, but understand what you mean about the stress of extended family. It's tough that a lack of understanding can put a real strain on family relations just when you really need them most of all.

A struggle to play is so frustrating, I really do sympathise. I _want_ so much to be a good Mum, I love playing with young kids and even when I'm doing other stuff I try to give them loads of attention to what they're doing and interact with their play, but both children make it so hard. I find when things in the house are hard getting out can often help - Wyxling will run off energy etc - but out the house things are also better when they're in a better mood. Have you tried any theraplay activities if your l/o will cooperate (Wyxling wouldn't without the involvement of a therapist but now I do use some of the little games thrown in with other stuff if I think she might go along). Sometimes that very young play can work well if you acknowledge that it's silly and you know he/she is a big boy/girl really, but you can be a bit silly together.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your break and manage to have good time together.

DIY Diva, Gertie, sq9, AoC and Mrs Bubble, thanks again for your very kind replies when things were feeling really quite bad. I wish hubby's issues were as simple as him not getting what is involved in my staying at home all day and trying to get stuff done. It's become increasingly apparent that hubby is so stressed he's almost at snapping point, and while half the time I've incredibly frustrated that he's not being as kind/nice/cuddly/supportive as he could be, or willing to listen to me regarding Wyxling's sometimes difficult behaviour and the things that have, repeatedly, worked best (i.e. not trying to fight at her level), I am also aware that he's been shouldering all the responsibility for keeping sane and keeping things going in our family for a very long time now, and he's really struggling. We're managing to have some good time over the Christmas break, and he even managed to have a lovely afternoon with Wyxling yesterday, played with her properly for the first time in ages. Afterwards he said "love you Wyxling" and she turned round and gave him a big cuddle and said "I love you too Daddy" and he just cried. He's just so over-stressed right now his reaction to everything is massively over the top and sometimes I get so angry and upset with how he speaks to me and the kids, but I'm also trying to be realistic about how hard life is for him at times now. I do wish he could appreciate more how very far we've come, and I think this break is helping him, but much as with Wyxling, I think this is going to be slow going too. The strain on relations with his family is not helping. We are both working incredibly hard at times right now, and we both need a break, and more appreciation for what we're doing, and a rest, God knows we need more sleep right now, but all we have is each other, cranky, run down, and often over-emotional, but with a huge amount of love, and that is just going to have to be enough.

I also meant to post earlier about another thing we did recently. We often swim with the babies, and they both like it, but Wyxling is really hard to deal with sometimes and can be very contrary and just stomp around. She really struggles to let us just man-handle her in the water and although she wants to float she has always been simply incapable of completely trusting either of us to support her etc. In some ways she's very brave in the water, but only in ways she can control - jumping in, splashing around, and she doesn't mind if her head goes under if she's in control. I do find this really frustrating, because I know I could easily teach her to swim if she would just let me because she's tall and strong and well coordinated for her age, and she _wants_ to learn, but she just can't trust us and/or won't cooperate with us. Even if she didn't want to learn to swim or I didn't think she could, I just want to be able to play with her, throw her around and catch her, spin her in circles etc, the things that parents do and their children just accept that they're safe, because they're with their parents. Bladelet is very trusting in this regard, but Wyxling, despite wanting us to do all the things we do with Bladelet, just can't bring herself to accept them. Frustrating.

Last week when we went I pulled a young girl out the water in the main pool who was drowning. Somehow the lifeguards and her carers hadn't noticed, and she'd apparently fallen off a float and couldn't swim. Wyxling and I were playing in the baby pool and I saw a young girl trying to come up for air and then just sink and dived into the big pool to get her out - she must have been in trouble for some time and no-one had noticed. Luckily, she seemed to be absolutely fine and some basic first aid later she was back with Mum. Wyxling was really freaked by it (me too, if I'm honest; despite being a very good swimmer and enjoying swimming, I am very claustrophobic and one of my biggest fears is that of drowning), and I thought it might really scare her out of swimming. She just wanted me, and to go home, which we did. I reassured her lots and lots of times that either Mummy or Daddy were always near to her when we swim, and always watching her, and neither of us would ever let anything like that happen.

We took both babies swimming this morning. Both of them woke up in a lovely mood and played really nicely while I got stuff ready to go out, and when we got to the swimming baths Bladelet was in a really lovely giggly mood and happy to trust and float and then wiggle his arms, but Wyxling completely shocked me by deciding that she actually did want me to teach her how to swim. She spent a good 45 mins or so trying really hard to swim, getting me to hold her up in the water to help her float, and then let go and catch her when she sank, and trying her very best to doggy paddle, even putting her face right into the water and "swimming" (at least half downwards, it has to be said) for a few metres. We played lots of games, threw her into the air, span her round, swam across the big pool together on floats, lots of lovely fun stuff.

I don't know that the two things are connected, but with Wyxling it's very likely, either that she's decided it's OK to trust me to keep her safe in the water, or more likely that she wants to learn how to swim now so that she doesn't get in a similar situation, or possibly a combination of the two. Either way, we had a lovely, happy, morning. As always with Wyxling, when she finally decides to have a go at the things she's been steadfastly refusing to do, she is incredibly proud of herself and happy when she realises she's actually pretty good at whatever it is!

Right, sleep time, as I will undoubtedly have Wyxling in my bed tomorrow morning before 6!


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## Sq9

You are all amazing and an inspiration to us all


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## Wyxie

Mum-mee, mum-mee, mum-mee...

Da-da, da-da, da-da...


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Brilliant and heart warming to read! You must be so proud


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## gettina

Happy new year to the wyxie clan. I wish for lots more lovely progress towards a relaxed wyxling and many happy mornings like the swimming one for you guys in 2014.

And wow re the swimming rescue. Scary and well done!!! 

Gettina x


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

Dear Wyxie and family - Wishing 2014 to be a year of overcoming obstacles, hurdles and simply enjoying the love as a family it is so clear to us all that you share xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Wyxie

Lolly and Mrs Bubble, thank you for your good wishes.

Gettina, I appreciate your reply given how busy you must be with your _very_ recent addition, and I hope things are continuing to go smoothly.

I have been quite upset this evening, and increasingly worried about Bladelet's behaviour. He's going through a very wacky/kicking/biting phase which is not altogether unusual for toddlers his age, and although it's nothing like as extreme as Wyxling's behaviour was after placement, it's definitely not great. He's getting insanely jealous of Wyxling at times, and has been wacking her but he can't really hit that hard so I just tell him not to and she doesn't respond at all. But, yesterday he threw a wooden shape sorter at her head and gave her a cracking bruise in the middle of her forehead, and today he hit her in the face with a toy hoover so hard he chipped two of her teeth. We had lots of problems with Wyxling in the early days of Bladelet's placement but she never actually hurt him, because I could always see her ramping up and it was possible to step in before she actually did anything to harm him, but with Bladelet one minute he's fine and the next he gets in a sulk and suddenly lashes out. I guess I just haven't been thinking in terms of having to protect Wyxling, who's 3 and quite big and strong for her age, from a fairly small 17 month old.

Hubby said that it was probably learned behaviour from Wyxling, but Wyxling just doesn't do this any more. Not that she's not mega-difficult at times, and incredibly sulky and contrary, but she doesn't hit out at him at all, and only very rarely at me in a fairly normal feet kicking in tantrum kind of way. He's been wacking at her a little bit for a couple of months when he's cross about something, she has something he wants, or he's jealous because of me, but she just responds by standing there and tells him quite patiently "no, Bladelet, we no wack people, you no wack me", in a very comical imitation of me, but today she was really, really upset.

I'm having a big rethink on how to approach discipline with Bladelet, and trying to do things more how I did with Wyxling in early days of placement, rather than telling him off when he does stuff he shouldn't, because it's making absolutely no difference. If my husband tells him off for doing something, he stops instantly and looks quite dejected, if I do, he just laughs and if anything it makes him do it more.

In the meantime I will just have to watch them both more closely and make sure neither of them get a chance to hurt each other - if Wyxling did decide to hit him back, she'd probably flatten him. I just she doesn't need to have any fillings; I hate the thought of her having to have a general anaesthetic, but one of the chips is fairly large and although she doesn't seem to be in a massive amount of pain, it's definitely uncomfortable, and I suspect she might need a filling.

If it's not one thing, it's another.

Apart from that, we've had a pretty reasonable day. I took the kids to the nearest city to catch the tail end of the Christmas Market/Fair, and take a jumper back I got for Christmas in the wrong size. They both loved the train ride, the ticket inspector was very charmed by Wyxling and stamped her tickets for her (some old ones I had in my purse) and she was very impressed. She even managed to him to say "tut tut tut" to someone who hadn't got a train ticket at the station and I nearly wet myself laughing. Bladelet loved the train, waved to I think everyone we went past in the whole morning with a big smile, then a little hide behind the hood of his buggy, and he really loved the Christmas Markets and all the lights. I let them both go on a little ride - hubby never wants to do things like that because he thinks they're not worth what they cost and that it's better to spend money on things that last. I don't entirely agree. For a start they have for too much stuff already, and also it just makes them so ridiculously happy, even if only for a little while, that I think it's worth it for them amount of fun they have. Anyway, he wasn't there, so I let them go on the ride, and Wyxling hasn't stopped talking about it for the rest of the day and has been pretending to be a fire engine and telling all her toys "ooo eee ooo eee, that means you have get out of way NOW!" Bladelet was very tickled by it all and has been laughing at Wyxling pretending to be a fire engine for the rest of the day, when he wasn't busy wacking her in the face of course.

Fingers crossed for the dentist tomorrow.


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## Wyxie

I know it's not considered political to call our children naughty any more, and I don't say it to them, but my God both of them have been horrendously naughty all day with a big dose of sullen and sulky from Wyxling, and we have crashed full speed from tantrum to tantrum with both of them.

It has most definitely not been a fun day for anyone.


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## AoC

I think you may have a scary-smart girl, there, Wyxie.  I think she decided she needed to know how to swim so as to not get in that situation.  And well done you for being a heroine.  

I LOVE the setting up play with toys idea.  Bug wouldn't play in the way you expect kids to play for a long time, and it's so joyous seeing him progress in that way. I think the things we've done, plus playing with friends at nursery has really helped him.

GO BLADELET!!!!!  WOOOOO!!!  WORDS!!!    I'm so excited for you, too.

Frankly, your DH sounds like a wonderful man.  Keep telling him everything is manageable, everything is getting better, and everything is going to be okay.  Remind him you love him and you're proud of him.  when he can let go of his stress, everything you've said to him about Wyxie will fall into place.  (((((hugs)))))

I'm afraid with Bug's hitting in the bad months in the middle of placement, he'd sidle up to me, smile into my eyes and then thwack me.  It was never a tantrum thing, so I can appreciate how unsettling it is to see Bladelet just lash out.  It sounds like he's processing Big Feelings without the regulatory systems to do it properly, and that means lashing out at those he loves and trusts most.  That's what we were told with Bug, although I know the ages are different.

Hugs for today.  Personally, I don't think the words have the power, it's the way they're used.  There's not much difference between saying, "that's naughty," and "that's potentially harmful to others," and no-one should ever say, "you're a naughty child," just as much as they should never say, "you're an inconsiderate and challenging child."  We get hung up on things, I think.

When he's struggling, I have been known to say to Bug, "I know you're a really good boy, but sometimes you do naughty things." And he understands that.

You're doing an amazing job, Wyxie, and you're an inspiration.  Keep on keeping on.


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## Wyxie

Thanks AoC, but I'm not sure jumping into 4 feet of pleasantly warm water qualifies as any sort of heroics.  I'm sure there was a Dara O'Briain sketch about something like that somewhere, but can't seem to find a link.  

Wyxling used to hit out when she was quite calm seeming sometimes, not in a tantrum, but it was always very clear when she was in a state of high agitation and being very difficult with me and it was always clear to me when she was likely to do it, although to most observers they would think she was fine.  Normally her real rages came when she was stopped from hurting me or herself.  Bladelet will just go from absolutely fine to an "I didn't get my own way" strop where he will lash out not so much in anger, as in protest because he knows he shouldn't, almost instantly.  He can normally be distracted back to a good mood quite fast as well fortunately - something which I often forget simply because distraction absolutely never worked with Wyxling, and even now it's very hit and miss.  Bladelet will also kick like a mule when he's having a tantrum, and he protest bites quite a bit, but sometimes I don't see the strops coming until they're there.  I feel like Bladelet's hitting/kicking is a lot more normal than Wyxling's has ever been.  Wyxling, in general, does a lot of fairly normal toddler things in a very not normal way, and to a much higher level than most toddlers do, and it's bloomin' hard work.  I think at the moment I'm mostly worried about Bladelet's behaviour kicking off Wyxling's problems again.

Not explaining what I mean very well today.  I think Wyxling and I are both poorly atm.  I am exhausted, and just want to sleep, doing our daily routine has almost killed me today.  Wyxling has been ridiculously tired for three days now and just keeps falling asleep (not like her, she's quite highly strung generally), so I'm wondering if it's some sort of virus, because other than that we are both fine.  Think a trip to the GP may be in order if it carries on.


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## Wyxie

I should probably preface this statement with the information that I am an avid computer gamer, albeit with a lot less time on my hands than I used to have.

While attempting to negotiate my way through the tired and poorly Wyxling/attention deprived Bladelet minefield today, I came to the conclusion that Parenting should have a difficulty slider.  Then on days when you feel up to it, you could play on "insane" and be smugly pleased with yourself for scraping through the day, and on days where you feel tired and rubbish you could turn it down to easy and just coast through it with a cup of tea in one hand and chocolate in the other, and tell yourself you rule.

Neither of my children appear to have any option to change their difficulty settings!


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## Sq9

fab idea wyxie!


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## gettina

Hahaha love that - if only


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## Wyxie

I am exhausted.  I love Wyxling so much, but being her Mum just seems to mean spending every day locked in a battle of wills and a stupid control fight over every little detail of daily life.  She's beautiful, kind, gentle, lovely, polite, funny and extremely well behaved and cooperative... for absolutely everyone else who touches her life except me.  I'm so proud of the wonderful daughter I have, but I am also so, so tired, and incredibly disappointed in and upset with myself for not being able to get through a single day at the moment without getting cross with her.  I don't shout but I do get very cross and say stupid things that I really shouldn't say.  Tonight got utterly fed up of the constant low level defiant/controlling behaviour which seems to be a constant facet of my life, and I am not handling it right, but I'm just so bloody tired.  I know it's not going to get better until I start to deal with it better and stop saying hurtful things to her, I just don't seem to be able to manage to keep it up at the moment.

I am determined to start going to bed earlier, getting more sleep, which will probably involve a trip to the Doctors as I have not been sleeping well for months now, and staying calmer.  I just get so incredibly angry and frustrated and I'm finding it harder and harder to hide.

So, this week's list of things to do is get to bed before 10 every day, speak to the Dr about mood swings and just not sleeping, and have a complete refocus on staying calm being the number one priority, rather than controlling difficult behaviour.  I think an increase in exercise would help with the sleeping, as I do exercise, but nowhere near as much as I used to, so I'm going to try and work that in to the schedule somehow.  I had got really good at one point of hiding stress and appearing to be calm and happy with the kids, but at the moment there's not a day go by where they don't see me upset and cross at different points of the day, and that's not good for them, which of course I know at the time and that just frustrates me more.

I am so tired today that it hurts.  Had a terrible night's sleep between Bladelet waking us up and me just not sleeping then.  Done a tonne of stuff around the house and coped really well with both kids for most of the day, and then just blew up at bath time over really nothing, just an accumulation of the whole day's frustration.


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## Poppets Mammy

Oh Wyxie - sending lots of hugs  

I sometimes have a run of days where I seem to react to low level testing which of course in turn just creates more challenging behaviour and so it escalates until I blow my top then end up reflecting on the days that lead up to it and somehow by just acknowledging my feelings and recognising what I've handled wrong seems to put me in a more focused and positive frame of mind. As soon as I fix my attitude so does Poppet, it's extraordinary how quick things can correct themselves when the right action is taken. I think our LO's are very good at sensing our moods and playing on them, my bad days seem to be in relation with certain times of the months. I know how hard I can be on myself when we've had a run of clashing - don't beat yourself up too much, as much as we wished it didn't happen it does and we are only human, you've got a plan of action and hopefully that will help. 

Take care  
Xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks Poppets Mammy, I think the problem is that for me, it doesn't fix it, I'm not sure if I ever will get past this massive need to control/defy where I'm concerned.  But if I deal with it well it has seemed to make things better over the space of a few weeks, and I keep telling myself if I could just keep it up and find the right way to deal with it then we might get there in the end.  When Wyxling is engaged and forgets that she's trying to fight, we have good time together, but I need to get her in a properly good mood and that's really hard.  It's just exhausting having this constant undercurrent of conflict in the house.

I'm just so fed up of everyone else getting the best of our daughter and me getting this, but of course the more frustrated I get, the harder it is to stay calm and get the best out of things, and maybe keep my blood pressure somewhere in the normal range as well.


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## Sq9

wish I had some amazing words of wisdom to make it better for you xx


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## GERTIE179

Just wanted to send a big hug and sorry you are feeling so exhausted. Are SWs still visiting? Do you think they could give some help financially to allow you to get some rest when the littlies are napping? Or just even knowing you will have some help can leave you with some head space to get calm.

Exercise - would Bladelet cope with a few days where you go longer/faster journeys after dropping wxyling at nursery? I know my sleep can improve ( I've had waves of insomnia since oct/nov) if I get more fresh air and exercise - you've probably already thought of things like this. 

Personally I think you are doing a marvellous job and you need to let up on yourself & remind yourself of how far things have came along. 
X x x


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## becs40

Oh Wyxie I've been reading so may of your inspiring posts and can see you have it really tough at the mo. We're only at the applying to adopt stage so I gave zero experience to offer you advice.
What I can say is your last post could gave been written word for word by my dear friend who is going through much the same thing with her 3 year old birth daughter, she is exhausted and it's her second child. She had none of this with her first daughter so it's come as a real shock to the system and whilst she is dealing with her own mum who is very poorly with cancer. Her youngest daughter is argumentative and turning every single thing into a battle from the minute she gets up until the minute she goes to bed. I hope you can get some practical help so you can recharge the batteries and carry on doing an amazing job.


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## AoC

Wyxie, are you sure we're not related?  *g*  I'm a computer gamer, too, although addicted to one series - The Elder Scrolls.  There should also be a cheat mode.....

Although they're full of Easter Eggs, anyway.  

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.  You're human, and a wonderful, truly wonderful mummy.  Please don't make everything you do or feel a pass/fail scenario, as though if you get it right, you will fix everything.  Is there any support you can call on, for you yourself?

((((((hugs)))))))


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## AoC

How are things, Wyxie?


----------



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

Thinking of an awesome Wyxie family  and like AOC hope you're ok


----------



## Wyxie

Thanks ladies, sometimes I don't know what I'd do without the support from this place.

We have had a couple of considerably better days which helps to put some perspective on things and I am feeling considerably better, although still very tired.  I am still going to see the GP tomorrow because I think sleep is a major issue atm; I simply can't put in the amount of energy and think fast enough on my feet with Wyxling when I'm knackered all the time.

Exercise wise, although I enjoy a brisk walk and when I've not got Bladelet walking, we go everywhere at break neck speed.  Wyxling doesn't mind at all and she likes to race me so she jogs along next to the buggy.  But, what I really need is endorphin releasing levels of exercise which means a proper work out of some sort, so a swim or a run.  I had a really nasty fall just before Christmas and smashed up one side of my face which really shook me.  I was just so tired I fell and didn't put my hands down and smashed face first into the pavement.  I had a massive black eye and all the left side of my face was purple and massively swollen through the Christmas break.  The bruising is largely gone now but it's still quite painful to touch at the point where I fractured my cheek bone, but I'm getting back into running properly again, and will try and get in one extra good length swim a week which is my preferred exercise.

I've had some really wonderful time with both children the last couple of days though, in particular with Wyxling, and we've played and laughed and been close.  It really does just make everything feel so much better.  I've also managed to go two days without getting cross with either of them, although I have been quite firm with both of them to try and reign them in at times, but I feel much better about things when I'm in control of myself at least!  

Hubby is coming up to a big deadline in work atm so he is getting home past children bedtime several evenings a week right now and will be for another four weeks, and I just have to cope with that.  It does make for long days and the break in routine and not seeing Daddy as much is unsettling both of them in their own ways.

I have asked about financial assistance, given the closeness in age and placement, and given that both children are significantly more demanding than your average toddler.  I doubt I will be able to return to work at all before Wyxling starts school, and even then I imagine it will be fairly casual for some time, because I just don't think she's the sort of child I'll be able to send to a relative or put in holiday clubs without serious fall out.  I'mm not sure whether any will be forthcoming.  I doubt it, but we don't lose anything for asking.  I didn't push the issue of financial help when Bladelet was placed (we had planned to, particularly if it was delayed to the point I had to give up work rather than bump two lots of adoption leave together) because the LA were talking about placing Bladelet with other adopters, but we don't have the AO yet so it can't hurt to ask.

In the meantime, I'm just doing one day at a time.  We had puddles today, and a lovely warm sunny day, which made for a good day especially as Wyxling had a moon walk event at nursery which we could go to, and I walked round with Bladelet and Wyxling and they both had a great time.  Wyxling managed to find the biggest stick you can imagine, and I let her teacher be the one to tell her she couldn't take it back inside again.  They both walked all the way home (which now that I think about it, together with the walk there and walk round the grounds means Bladelet must have walked about a mile and a half this morning - not bad at 17 months!) and we got absolutely filthy and soaked in the mud and wet.  I may not have had the cleanest children by the end of it, but at least I did have happy ones.

Bladelet has started trying to say some more words.  My husband asks him if he wants a tickle, and then answers for him "yes please, Daddy" or "no thank you, Daddy".  He has started saying "no no no no no no" while wagging a finger at hubby in a very good imitation of me.  We've got a few other words just about.  He's having a very determined go at saying "x-box" in an attempt to tell it what to do (we have an x-box one on loan from hubby's work which is nice).

AoC, the only one of those I ever played was Oblivion.  They're all very pretty games though.  We used to play a lot of FPS games and flight sims, but don't really have time to keep my hand in these days.  Been playing EVE as much as anything else recently, kind of a blast from the past, but it seems more compatible with our lives these days.  Hubby and I run an online games clan/community that we've played with for about 12 years now, we've just changed what we play as we've all grown up, mellowed, and had families.  In fact, that was how I met hubby in the first place, at a meet up for a very old space sim, in a bar, in Amsterdam.  That made for an interesting talking point in our home study.  

Hope everyone is well.  

Wyxie xx


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## AoC

Glad things are a bit more manageable at the mo, hope you get through the next few weeks with less from Daddy and hope you get financial assistance, too.

LOL!  It wasn't Elite, was it?  Used to play that with my brother on the Atari, would you believe.....    I play Skyrim when Daddy's doing bathtime.  It's my switch off, even for ten minutes.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So sorry to hear about your cheek sounds awful hun. Glad you've had a lovely couple of days can't believe your little boy manages to walk to far that's amazing. DH's with long hours must be tough I know it's something I will have to deal with a lot and I'm not looking forward to it.


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## Wyxie

AoC, no, but I did play Elite on a BBC back when I was very young, with my Dad.

Diva, my face is getting better, thanks, but still sore, and it means that Bladelet's "wackyness" is actually really painful just now, rather than easily ignorable as you would expect for his age.

I've been having a real revert back to old methods with Wyxling the last week or so which is helping.  I'd gotten into more "mainstream" parenting, telling her off and being very firm about stuff at times, because she'd been acting more "normal", but actually I think I've made things worse again.  She's also really struggling with insecurity atm.  She started getting upset about time out (which is used in nursery, although not with her as she really doesn't significantly misbehave in nursery - her teacher is excellent and has been since she first started there), and sending her toys away when they were naughty, then telling me they were upset.  Last week she started telling her toys that if they were very naughty they would be sent back to their foster carers, which really brought me up short.  I have been doing my best to reinforce that she will always be here with us, Mummy will always be Mummy, and refusing to engage in her games where she wants me to be the driver to take a naughty teddy back again.  I just keep saying Mummy wouldn't even pretend to do that while we're playing, everyone in our family stays forever.  She tells me but he's been very bad, and I just say he might have done some very naughty things, but he's still the same lovely snuggly teddy he always was, and that we don't send people away.  Sometimes I really have no idea what to say to her about things like this.  She comes out with stuff like this, and talks about foster carers (an idea she only really understands through Bladelet's placement), and how my tummy doesn't work properly, but she is very uncomfortable with any talk of her adoption/birth family/foster carers even in the very simplest way, which makes it hard to reassure her.  I've been re-reading the Teazles book and reinforcing that she's our baby bunny, and telling her about us meeting again - which is a story she does like to hear - and how happy she makes us/lucky we are, but then I get upset and she says that I'm not happy.

Hubby is often too strict with her, and I find that hard.  He expects things that aren't realistic from any toddler, least of all Wyxling, but I am just focusing on what I can do at the moment because arguing with him is futile.  I feel much better about how I've been dealing with the kids for the last few days, and both of them seem to be doing better.  Out the blue, Wyxling just started telling me she loves me again, which she'd stopped doing for a month or more, and giving me kisses.  She's been doing lots of gentle touching, and little things to copy hubby (like trying to massage my head, which hubby tends to do if I'm super-stressed, although Wyxling just seems to have it in her head I like my hair to be messed up, she was doing it gently and with the best of intentions, so I've just been looking messier than normal the last few days.

I need to find a happier ground with Bladelet at the moment.  When he's happy he's a delight, and he's a lot easier than Wyxling generally, perhaps largely by virtue of being much smaller and more portable, but he really can be incredibly hard work and when he gets cross, he really gets cross!

One day things will get easier, I'm sure!


----------



## Wyxie

Arrrrg, I really am having a nightmare with Wyxling today.  In one respect she's great, she's playing nicely, happy, chatty, but will do nothing I say and nothing I say makes any difference at all to the complete disobedience.  She's flat out refused to have a nap, when I sat her down on my lap to try and calm her she just very calmly slapped me in the face and told me she wasn't having a nap because she didn't want one.  I can't make her sleep of course, but she really does need the nap.  Won't change her clothes, won't keep her clothes on, won't do a million things and if I try and do any of the things I normally do to calm her, she just appears to calm, then slaps me in the face again, and tells me no, I'm not doing that.  I'd be lying if I said there was no urge to slap her right back, although I shan't, and I don't think it would help, it is the gut reaction to someone doing something like that.  

Anyway, I think I'm in for a rough afternoon.  She's been told no sweets if she hits mummy, and it's about to be sweet time, so I'm going to go and get mine and Bladelet's and wait for the explosion.

God today is a long day.  I will not get cross, but I'm definitely not in control today, she is, and I don't seem to be able to get it back again.  No idea what to do with her.

Arrrg.


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## GERTIE179

Awee what a rubbish day and I really feel for you. The childish impulse to retaliate us strong and completely natural. Just our sensible adult head that stops us. Remember tomo is another day so countdown the hours til bed and wine/beer time.

Is there a soft play that you could head to and let her burn off steam but in safe way (I'm thinking outdoor park may be a bit riskier if she's in deviant mode.

Virtual coffee and cake on its way to help you x x


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## AoC

LOTS of hugs, you're doing brilliantly!  I am very familiar with the urge to slap back, it's so hard to block those fight and flight responses, but you can do it!  

Bug went through a nap refusal stage. I used to battle with him, use all sorts of consequences, go out in the buggy (sometimes worked) go out in the car(sometimes worked) but of course I only had one to manage.  In the end, it wasn't me that got him settled to naps again, it was Toy Story.  It was his favourite movie, and he loved to snuggle on the sofa and watch it, and would promptly fall asleep shortly after the bit when Woody yells, "you are a TOY!"  

We also fall into the 'normal parenting' trap sometimes, and forget he's not quite there yet.  And I think you're right, she's definitely connecting behaviour with moves.  Does she know that none of it is her fault?  Even in really bad, banshee-screaming (me) and attacking with hard-back books (him) moments, when we're calmer, I'll tell Bug that I love him and that nothing he can do will change that.  When we've had a bad phase, a week or more, when I used to say he was good he'd wail, "I'm not!  I'm a bad boy!" and I'd wind him into a big cuddle and tell him he was silly - he was a very GOOD little boy, but sometimes he did bad things, and it was okay, he didn't have to.

Keep going, Wyxie, you're doing great.


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the responses, both of you.

Gertie, outdoors works really well for us, but soft play doesn't generally.  It works if she's in a good mood, and Bladelet loves it, but if she's not in a good mood already it will be horrendous and she'll get incredibly agitated with hell to pay later.  I was going to drag them out this afternoon but it's just freezing and for various reasons I've had to have Bladelet outdoors all morning already chasing from one place to another, and so I think that's a no.

For my sins, I have bought a sticker chart.  I am not sure how this is going to work.  The problem I have with Wyxling is the yoyoing from one to another.  One day I really feel like parenting therapeutically works and then the next I have a very normal but totally defiant and quite coldly and calmly naughty toddler, who really needs boundaries and yes, probably some consequences now, but I can't change how I parent every day of the week so I need to find a middle ground and pick some areas I'm going to persevere with.  We have had a difficult morning, although she's spent most of it at nursery, I had to badger her into her clothes and out the door, and she's been sulky, whiny and generally unwilling to cooperate with anything/deliberately doing things she knows she shouldn't and trying to annoy me since we got home, then a big upset when I said she couldn't have the sticker she wanted for being good when I put her down for her nap (she slapped me in the face).  She wants a nap, even she admits she needs it, right up to the point we go to get her settled, when she starts throwing herself around/away from me/getting in her giddy/agitated/I have control over this situation there I shall use it to be a right little sh*t mood.  For a while all this stopped, then it's gradually started again, at first she was fighting a bit, and it's just escalated over the space of two weeks or so to the horrendous point again.  She absolutely does need the nap.  If she doesn't have it, she just goes from strop to tantrum for the entire afternoon.

Honestly, I am just at my wits end again today, Bladelet is also being awful, I'm sure part of it is attention grab from a very demanding big sister, but he just will not for even a second leave anything alone, when I carry him, he's constantly reaching out for everything he can grab and pull on the floor, if he's down he just cycles from one thing to another throwing stuff on the floor and climbing things, he's ridiculously naughty and I need to stay calm with him but it's so difficult when trying to deal with Wyxling too and half the time he ends up being put in the rascal cage to preserve my sanity and my stuff and keep him safe.

I normally spend some time with Wyxling on our own after nap time before I get Bladelet up and we usually have good time together, but the last few days I'm really forcing myself because I quite simply don't want to spend time with her after the almighty nightmare that is getting her home from nursery, changed, lunched, and down for her nap.  Need to find some enthusiasm from somewhere.  :/


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## AoC

Honestly, when Bug was really struggling, what got us out of it was a) sticker chart and lots of positive reinforcement and b) learning to duck.

The thing is, he hated hitting me, it made him feel bad.  When I got more adept at spotting when it was coming, taking evasive action, and doing the distract and divert thing, it happened less, he started to feel better about himself, and so it happened even less... and so on.

In all the professional advice written about a child that hits, I have never seen learning to duck listed.  

There was a nasty little mindset I got into, when I was exhausted and low, which I only realised afterwards, where I expected to fail, I was anticipating him being horrendous, and getting punched in the eye only proved me right.  I caught myself thinking, "ugh, here we go," and just sitting there accepting it.

They said in prep that often sticker charts aren't good for adopted kids, but he really responded.

You will find the enthusiasm, you always do.    Do you need to eat/drink something right now? I know it feels like you're going backwards sometimes, but you're not.  You've made so much progress with your gorgeous LOs, it's amazing.  You've got to know that many others would have given up.  (((((hugs))))  I am just so thankful these two found you.

(And for anyone reading thinking, "OMG, that boy sounds awful!" I would just like to say I am besotted with my Bug, he's helpful, attentive, kind, gentle, smart, gorgeous and well-behaved about 85% of the time now, which I think is pretty damn good. )


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## gettina

Hey wyxie
Your handling of the pretty scary naughty toys/sent to FC play seemed spot on. 
The slapping sounds so defiant! No advice but sending love and calmness your way.
I hope your face keeps healing and that you are looking after it. Arnica helps me with bumps and bruises - even if I start using it late in the healing, it still helps. 
Thinking of you.
Gettina x


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## Wyxie

So far, the sticker chart seems to be working well - I am keeping it very positive and not using the threat of withholding them.  But they are for the same things every day, the stuff I have the most problems with, and on day 3 and 4 she has asked a couple of times can she have one, and I've explained not this time, because she was struggling to do what Mummy asked when we did "x", but that I'm sure she will manage it tomorrow and let's play nicely while Mummy does the hoovering so she can have one.  I'm doing a little back of chocolates for 10 stickers atm, which means she could get a pack every other day if she gets them all.  It seems quite long term for a child this age, but she's definitely got it, and she likes having the stickers themselves, and has been happily counting how far towards her next pack of chocolate stars she is on a regular basis.  She likes the idea, so I'm avoiding mentioning it other than when she's been good getting ready and we have the sticker.  We have, however, had the threat of not getting her next TV session (we have four a day and they're all brief apart from the morning one), and I'm trying to do a countdown which we tried before, but is now working better.  I think it's the only way to distinguish from the days where she's really struggling and the days where she's really trying it on, for want of a better way of putting it, because there is no set "you will not get x if you do y".  It's hard to consistently parent such an inconsistent child, but if there's one things she needs it's consistency!

In general, when she's OK, she's doing absolutely brilliantly (in context of the situation of course), and I find it easy to forget that sometimes when she's being awkward and we have a bad couple of days.  As I know I have said many times, I struggle to keep perspective, which I'm sure is in part down to my own issues with depression/mood swings, and in part down to needing a break.  

Wyxling is doing brilliantly in pre-school in terms of behaviour and engagement, and OK in terms of learning new things.  I'm less concerned at the moment about learning reading/writing, because she's still got 5 terms left before she starts school, I'm more concerned about her getting used to the environment and cooperating with teachers.  

Her teacher is great - I've had a couple of meetings with her recently and she's been very positive about how she's doing and how she will fit into school, but she also doesn't question for a second how difficult she can be with me at home and how difficult she has in the past.  She has noticed some things will distress her (if someone is sent to time out, she gets very upset) and agrees that she's really insecure, but also thinks she's adapting and learning.  She's engaging with them in structured activities, good concentration, playing well on her own and with others, sharing well, always says please and thank you, and really chatty as her speech is finally improving.  Her teacher also commented that she's showing a surprising amount of empathy for a child her age, in that she's been really good with the children who have started in January and finding it hard, and can sometimes be a little distressed if someone else is upset, but normally responds by going up and stroking hair and saying "it OK, lots of toys and Mummy always come back" and getting toys for them.  When we were having really big problems with behaviour we were advised to encourage her to make up for bad behaviour with gentle touching and doing nice things, as an alternative to apologising which would never have happened even a few months ago, and she responded extremely well to it.  We were told this would help promote the beginnings of empathy, and I can honestly say despite my scepticism, it does seem to have worked.

I think what I'm really struggling with at the moment is actually Bladelet.  He's really naughty, I have absolutely full blown terrible toddler behaviour, but with baby level understanding.  He's so very young for his 18 months.  He understand what he's not meant to do, and he deliberately does it to wind me up (good as gold for Daddy).  As well as touching everything he hits and kicks me all the time, really loads at the moment, but if I tell him off he just laughs.  He is miles away from understanding consequences or why what he's doing is wrong, he's just testing and Mummy baiting and honestly at times I absolutely hate him, but feel awful for feeling like that.  He's got a lovely personality, but he just messes me around so badly and so deliberately, I am at my wit's end with him, and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it.  I carefully and gently, without giving too much attention, move him away from stuff about a million times a day, but it's all a game to him.  We do use a play pen and I use it when I go out the room, but if I was to put him in there whenever he was just going round pulling stuff off sides/throwing things/hitting Wyxling/trying to drag the TV on the floor etc etc etc, he would spend the whole day in there barring when hubby was at home.  I just don't feel like I have the energy for another child that needs such full on parenting, even though it's in quite a different way, and on his own I think he'd be easier, if not easy.  

I am doing my best to accept my children as they are and stop striving to correct but it's hard.  Wyxling is responding well to me atm, Bladelet is infuriating me, and I know I'm being unfair in my expectations given his age and understanding, but I can't help it.  I worry that I keep siding with Wyxling in disagreements and he's clearly jealous, but at the same time, he's always hitting her/pulling her hair and trying to get whatever she's playing with out her hands.  All totally normal for his age, but still in fairness, I can't just let him do it.  I encourage Wyxling to share, and actually she's really got good at sharing and giving him a turn with her stuff, but then when it's her "turn" he just hits her and screams.

Had a bad meeting with our theraplay person yesterday, which left me very upset, but too tired to write about why just now.  At some point this weekend I need to find time for a rant about Social Services!

Meanwhile tomorrow will probably be rubbish because we have so much to do round the house, but Sunday we are going to see some old friends and their son, our godson, and their two wonderful bassets.  Bladelet hasn't met the dogs yet, he's only seem them at our house since he was placed, but Wyxling loves them (although she's scared of dogs generally, and they're absolutely huge) and she's really looking forward to seeing them (people and dogs).  I am looking forward to seeing our friends who live too far away, and are one of the few sets of friends we have who completely accept the problems we've had with Wyxling, without in any way feeling like they're judging her or us, and their son is lovely.

Best wishes to everyone,

Wyxie xx


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## Miny Moo

Wyxie, think you need to check above post as think you have used one of your LO names instead of nick name in it.


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## Miny Moo

Now you either changed it as I was writing that post or I am going mad!!!!


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## Wyxie

I did change it, thank you!

Wyxie xx


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## GERTIE179

Aww I know i can tear my hair out with lil mans shenanigans and hence house is like baby Fort Knox as he can't cope with separation of any means. It just means I'm forever hunting for stuff quickly as I can before he sees as I hide as much as possible.

Bladelet's behaviour with Wxyling is very normal sibling rivalry (my friends two BC are similar ages and are a riot). Given how little he's been with you all I think its great he can show his true feelings. However I understand the wish to protect and side with Wxyling. 

It will get easier as he gets the vocabulary but what a proud mummy moment knowing your darling girl is getting empathy and understands Bladelets actions too.

You are doing amazing and I hope hubby is getting less stressed. Grrrr don't get me started on SS they've not helped us at all and it's really not helping lift my mood. Just supposed to suffer and get on even though everything was known/agreed at the outset 

X x


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## Wyxie

Sorry to hear you're having SS problems as well.

Basically, our theraplay has come to an end.  I think Wyxling would benefit from more sessions if we could structure them towards the type of activities that most benefit us, but therapist has clearly decided we don't need any more help and that the lovely charming Wyxling she sees every time she visits is the whole picture and it's toddler tantrum issues.  She clearly doesn't believe the level of problems we have had at times.  Things are much better, but we could really get more from it.  Yesterday was her last visit.  

I had asked what further support was available for me.  I know that Wyxling is too young for any other type of direct therapy (talk therapy) and that wouldn't be helpful to us, but I could use some support for us ideally from professionals, but in the absence of that (it was clear from a phone conversation this wasn't going to happen), I asked if she could put me in touch with other local adopters who've also had similar experiences.  I did not think this would be such a big ask.  I explicitly said on the phone to her several times, that I don't feel I can go to the LA's "activity days" (which are aimed at kids anyway, and six monthly) because our daughter's foster carer is also an adopter, and attends these.  Meeting with either her foster carer or foster sibling would definitely not be in Wyxling's best interests.  Anyway, she came back with two suggestions, one of which was a brochure for our local Sure Start Centre, with a suggestion I go to some play groups with Bladelet to meet other Mums there.  Not especially helpful, especially given I can't get there for the groups and get back to pick Wyxling up from nursery.  They do run one group local to me which I do occasionally go to, but it's not great, the people who run it aren't that friendly.  In general, the people at our local Sure Start Centre aren't that friendly, or that switched on.  I had a lot of contact with them when I was working, and they're mostly used to dealing with people who've got Social Services involvement with their own children, and can be incredibly patronising to speak to.  It also won't in the slightest help me meet other adopters; meeting other Mums doesn't really help because I can't talk to them about the problems we have with our children.  

The other suggestion, which really offended me, was that I go on a local parenting course which again, I'm familiar with through my previous employment.  It's not very local, but they will provide transport - either a taxi or someone to pick me and the kids up and take us there - they have a creche, and basically go out of their way to make it really easy for people to go.  The reason they do all this to help make going easy, is because it's a course that parents who have Social Services involved with their children and who're at risk of having them removed are often required to go on, to help them improve their parenting.  Social Services need to be able to say, if the case goes go to Court, that there really was no reason at all why the person in question couldn't attend.  It has been made quite clear that I will need to do this before they will even consider any further help.  To say I was livid was putting it mildly.  She suggested that I might find it useful and it would put me in contact with other parents who are "struggling to cope".  I will do it if we do need to ask for more help, but not in the immediate future, because I'm not willing to leave my children with strangers in a strange place, for something I simply can't explain to them and which I cannot see any benefit of.  I resisted the urge to tell her where to shove it.

We have been invited on a couple of courses about attachment and behaviour by our assessing LA which look very good, including one by Dr Margot Sunderland, and shall be going on those.  Hoping it may allow me to meet with other adopters as well as giving us some useful ideas.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

What an absolute joke not surprised your livid I'm livid  for you.  As if a course like that would help clearly a total numpty. Could you possibly get invited to adopters events with another council or agency in your area or will they not do this? Now sure if it's possible with budgets etcx x


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## AoC

Ugh, I'd be raging.    Stick with your assessing LA, I wouldn't have asked our placing LA for anything if I could help it, and if I had to, I'd have done it through our assessing agency.  ((((((hugs)))))))

I hope they trip on a toy and fall headfirst into a pile of dirty nappies.

Just sayin'.


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## crazyspaniel

AoC!!

I've also been offered several parenting classes so I could learn strategies for dealing with toddlers, grrrr....
....apart from the fact that I've parented before we're not experiencing 'normal' toddler behaviour and also have been advised not to leave DD with anyone......

You have to just keep  !


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## GERTIE179

I do love that one -
During training/HS it's "don't leave child with anyone else"
As soon as LO home "they need to see you go and come back; you need time on your own too"

It's enough to drive you insane! I just giggle internally now. Doesn't help when you do need them though!?!
X


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## Wyxie

Today, I got Wyxling's home/school diary, which we get every 2 weeks. "Wyxling has enjoyed painting at the easel this week. She painted a lovely picture on paper. She then painted another picture on a surface that wasn't made for painting. She happily helped to clean it up! She enjoyed using the soapy water and scrubbing brushes."


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## Poppets Mammy

Hahahaha   excellent!! We once had a crayon picture on the wall and Poppet was most upset that I wasn't happy with my 'wuvley picture for mammy' hahaha - bless their innocence   xx


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## Handstitchedmum




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## Sq9

Fab


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Love that  me giggle x


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## Wyxie

We have absolutely massive amounts of disruption going on at the moment.  It's half term, our kitchen has been completely ripped out and stuff is everywhere, making for lots and lots of baby temptation for getting into things they shouldn't have.  We have a stream of workmen coming in the house over the next few weeks, and Wyxling is absolutely melting.  We've had horrible kick offs today and finally at bath time she was so completely disregulated and off the wall I asked hubby to come and take care of her, and then bath her separately after I bathed Bladelet (it was his turn to put Wyxling to bed tonight, I was putting Bladelet to bed).

Hubby came upstairs and Wyxling was really screaming tantrum/upset because she wasn't going to have Mummy bathing her, and hubby decided the best way to deal with her distress was to shout at her to shut up.  Not the first time he's done this, he gets really cross with her when she's badly upset, and I don't understand how he can think this is a good way to behave.  Apart from anything else I would much rather she screamed the place down and stamped her feet than tried to attack me, surely this is a good and normal way for a toddler to blow out emotions they can't deal with.  Needless to say, shouting at her to shut up does not help her calm down at all.  I then feel dreadful for asking him to get involved, because it feels to me like I am punishing her by getting her grumpy Daddy to come and spend a cold and frosty evening with her, instead of me doing it.  I asked him to pick her up and cuddle her instead of shouting.  He is so often so cold to her, and then gets cross, and really I think he's doing so much damage at times at the moment but I can't get through to him.  He just so clearly loves Bladelet more and likes Bladelet more.  I can understand why he feels like that, but I can't understand why he can't try and treat them equally, because all he's going to do is make the situation worse.  I feel like he's given up on her because she so clearly favours me.  

Anyway, at bedtime after she'd calmed down when I was giving her her bedtime cuddle before hubby took her upstairs I asked if she was feeling OK now, and she said yes, then changed her mind and said no.  She said she was sad, and that we didn't love her.  I just don't know how to reassure her more.  She is very avoidant when she's agitated so when I go to cuddle her she can push me away very forcefully and then become even more agitated and defiant, and she's been very agitated a lot this last few days.  It makes it really hard for me to know what to do for the best some times.  Other times it feels like nothing I do will really matter that much in the long run if hubby can't sort out his attitude towards her, and realise that he is going to have to be the one to mend the relationship, not her, because she's 3 and confused and scared and upset.

Bladelet has been difficult today, but I feel like I'm making progress with him, albeit slowly.

Just sad, and no idea how to try and get my husband on side with this, or how to show Wyxling that I love her, without letting her run completely wild.

Tired, tired, tired.

Day two of half term tomorrow, I've ditched our plans to do soft play, because Wyxling is clearly in a state where she wouldn't cope well with the excitement, we really need an outdoors day, I think we're just going to say sod the weather and go and get one.  

Sad, tired, disappointed.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs babe.  Wish there was some simple magic advice I could give but in reality if it was simple you'd have solved it ages ago. Kitchen being redone sounds an absolute nightmare x x x


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## GERTIE179

Hi honey

  

No great advice as got lots if turmoil here too (but mostly my inner turmoil)! I do find when hubbies stop listening (or accepting/changing) then letting them work through it themselves can be the trick. I know it's not ideal time but could you suggest Love Bombing or similar to hubster where he has a 121 day/weekend with wxyling and they do lots around wxyling controlling. Maybe once they get back to enjoying each other more (as she no doubts feeds from his emotions) then he may be more willing to give your ways a go on a regular basis?

I wonder if there's a subliminal thing going on too where your relationship with a wxyling has moved on sooo much that he feels a bit despondent that he can't catch up. Almost rejecting her as thinks that's what's going to happen (just thinking how I can get with my dark thoughts when stress is high). Whilst Bladelet is a mummy's boy, he's learning and understanding that he can have a relationship with others.

Just some idea/thoughts
X x


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## Sq9

I'm afraid I can't offer any words of wisdom but sending you   .


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## Wyxie

Thanks.

Gertie, I really don't feel like he's trying to work through any issues with Wyxling, I feel like now that he has Bladelet he almost giving up on her as his daughter, and she's just a behaviour problem to be tolerated.  He's often quite simply not nice to her.  Bladelet has attached to my husband very, very well and seems to have a much better relationship with him than he does with me.  Hubby really does focus on him and he responds very well.  Bladelet has a better attachment to my husband than he does to me, and is really rejecting me a lot of the time.  He is also very badly behaved for me.  I'm trying to work with it and do what I can in terms of building a relationship with him, and it's hard when I see how well he responds to my husband, really, genuinely well, and knowing that I don't have anything like that with him.  It often feels like part of that is the way hubby really does put Bladelet first.  He's often snappy with me and with Wyxling, but Bladelet always gets the best of him.  Bladelet also doesn't have to share hubby in the same way he does me, because Wyxling doesn't compete for Daddy in the same way she does for Mummy.

I'm aware of love bombing and know some people have found it useful.  I don't think I could get hubby to do it anyway, and to be honest it really does contradict a lot of the advice we've had around Wyxling and control issues which has worked well for us previously.  I just feel like the person in our family who really needs help the most at the moment if we're ever really going to have a properly balanced family life, is my husband, and there is no way he will ever accept that.  He's really struggling with his own control issues.  He absolutely has to win every little control issue he gets in to with Wyxling.  He just never seems to be able to get any sort of perspective to accept that some things are just not that important and concentrate on the things that are important.

I don't feel able to leave it, because he's not just damaging his relationship with Wyxling, I think he's actually damaging Wyxling more by how he treats her.


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## GERTIE179

Such a shame and really hard for you as you can see it so clearly.

Do you think he feels wanted/reaffirmed due to that stronger relationship with Bladelet? Do you think he feels threatened with Wxyling as she is developing a good relationship with you (even if it's been incredibly hard to get to this point). Has he been able to/willing to go to the Theraplay sessions? Do you think he would hear it better from the "profs" as it were?

It's difficult as other suggestions I would have, I know wouldn't work with my DH, such as writing a letter/note or printing off research and ideas.

In the meantime I hope you are trying to take care of yourself as I can only imagine how this would affect my worries.
Hugs x


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## gettina

wyxie.
Don't suppose there's anything he does with bladelet (albeit probably to a minor extent/different way) that you could complement him on and suggest he approaches wyxling that way?

Guess not really... Just so hate not being able to help you because to such a large extent you can't manage dh's behaviour.

Good luck with the kitchen renovation going to plan.
Love  Gettina x


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## 2708belle

Hi Wyxie,

Big   to you. 

I was just wondering if you've been offered CAMHS support at all? Your GP or health visitor can refer you. Sounds like your DH needs a bit of help to work through whatever feelings Wyxling is sparking in him and why he reacts so strongly to her. Does he have anyone he can confide in - someone who he can just offload to? 

Oh I have no idea what you are going through. It doesn't sound easy, but from reading your posts, you've done amazingly with those two little ones. 

Hope the kitchen gets sorted soon xxx


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies.

I do think really my husband needs to talk this through with someone.  I am trying to be as understanding as I can, but I am very much stuck in the middle.  He is really struggling with her rejection, and I do understand why he finds that hard, but he is doing nothing to try and fix it now.  We did talk about it the other night and he has pretty much given up.  He just says nothing he does makes any difference, so what's the point?  He also really struggles with even slight disobedience.  I am starting to realise the degree to which he is frustrated by not being able to get his kids to do what he tells them to just be being stern with them.  It feels like his background is showing.

It feels like if I could give him more, then he would have more to give to Wyxling, and I am trying to think of ways of doing this, but really, yes, he needs some sort of help with working this one out.  Things have settled down again a bit now, but the problem hasn't gone away and there really is no closeness to speak of between them at all.  She misses him, waits for him, is really excited when she sees him come home, talks about him, loves doing things for him, but then when he gets home she pulls away, which is just what she is like.  She needs him to keep coming to her and giving and giving and giving until she will give anything back.  It's so hard to do, but I can't help being really disappointed in him that he's just decided not to bother any more.  He finds rejection very hard, and I do understand why, so he avoids situations where he's going to get rejected.  

I worry about always being caught between them.  He really is incredibly unreasonable in what he expects of her at times and I find myself unable to back him up and that just causes more friction between us and sends a really bad message to Wyxling of course.

I also find it skews my relationship with Bladelet because with me, Bladelet has to share, but with hubby, he can have him all to himself, and of course he doesn't like sharing.  It just feels like it makes it much harder for me to form a good relationship with Bladelet because he wants me to give him what Daddy does and I won't.

Anyway, we've had a better day today, and I had a good evening with hubby last night.  The only thing I can think of to do is to try and make home life better between us and hope that hubby becomes more receptive to suggestions about things he can do with Wyxling.

Wyxling's been pretty good today and yesterday, although with the usual required pushing Mummy away half the time then crying that the reason she's done x, y or z is because she just needs Mummy.  But still, much better time.  Bladelet's been tricky but he's poorly and teething and he's also been very cuddly with me at times, and settling with me at times, which is something we've been struggling with.

CAMHS is a no go really at the moment, because of Wyxling's age and her behaviour around professionals (delightful, always) - we'd never get a referral.  I'm not sure I'd want CAMHS involved at the moment.  The theraplay has been stopped which I'm a bit irritated about.  We were getting a lot from it and could have got a lot more from it, but the therapist has decided that she doesn't require further help as her behaviour (during the sessions and with the therapist) is all very normal for a child her age.  It feels very much like we're on our own now.

We had a fun trip to soft play this morning, though.  For a while, they went off and played really happily together, coming back every 5 minutes or so with big smiles for kisses and cuddles, and I sat and watched them and had a cup of tea.  This is not something I am used to getting to do when I take my kids out places!  Also had a good run round with both of them, ran Wyxling's legs off and played lots when Bladelet had a sleep, and we met our neighbour.  Her kids are pretty much the same age as ours, and I was glad of the company.  I'm not a good mixer normally, especially with other Mums, but she's really nice, her little boy is besotted with Wyxling, and they play really well together, and I actually do enjoy her company and it's good to have someone nearby I'm starting to get to know. 

In general, over half term we've had lots of upheaval but some really lovely time.  Being able to get outside a couple of days has been brilliant, and I'm hoping to get them to feed the ducks tomorrow.  My husband has the day off to sort kitchen related stuff, so I'll have the car in the afternoon and planning to make the most of it and get them out somewhere we enjoy for a good run around.  

Very random stream of thoughts tonight.  Been really just trying to enjoy the kids when I can and relax a bit, which is not always possible but I do my best.  

I never really seem to have time to sit down and work things out and process at the moment.  I really can't wait until the kitchen is sorted and things quieten down a bit.


----------



## Wyxie

I had a lovely bedtime with Bladelet tonight, after he refused to eat a bite of dinner (fish and chips as well which is a rare treat he normally loves) and cried the whole way through bath time, he just perked up and we had lots of fun and giggles, but calm time too, and then really snuggly snuggles.  Had loads of fun with Wyxling earlier doing each others hair.  This is not my normal sort of thing it has to be said, but she loves hair stuff at the moment so we spent a really fun hour or so filling our hair with clips, slides, bands, feathers and various other sparklies from the craft box.  She was just so happy and relaxed and looked beautiful.  She has started sometimes brushing my hair.  This is a real thing at the moment; she wants to look after me.  I find that I sometimes feel awkward about this if she wants to do things she doesn't like me doing to her, because she wants to do them herself of course, but I'm going with it a little and trying to get her to take turns doing things.  She particularly likes brushing my hair, and she's incredibly gentle.  I love having my hair brushed and head massaged, but am really fussy about people touching my hair.  It may sound odd, but I hate having my hair washed at the hair dressers, I just don't like people I don't know messing around with it.  I love my daughter brushing my hair though, it's incredibly relaxing, and it seems to relax her as well.  She was so happy and smiley, but calm, and even let me brush her hair and fill it full of all sorts of things which she let me pick.  I took some photos which she wanted to pose for, and she asked me to print one to put in her nursery book.  She went and got my mirror so I could see me, and said "Mummy, you are beautiful".  We went out to feed the ducks and lost most of our feathers, but Wyxling was still happy and the kids found a bridge that made a really loud noise when we ran over it.  Bladelet and Wyxling laughed and giggled while they chased each other over it and back again and again.


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## GERTIE179

Aww how cute! Hopefully Wxyling sees you allowing her to care for you she will be more accepting of receiving it. 

I do think generally the boys like being babied for a bit longer. 

Hope you get some downtime this weekend. X


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## Wyxie

We have had an insanely hard weekend with attempting to get all the decorating done that we need to do before the kitchen goes in (next week) and really struggling.  We've all been ill, tired and Bladelet seems to be teething.  The massive disruption is taking its toll on both children.  

Wyxling is actually doing very well behaviour wise, but is really easily upset and clearly struggling with the disruption, and is pretty hard work to be around.  She's really been pressing me about her foster carer and I've been trying to do a little life story work with her.  Mostly, she just wants to look at photos, and that's fine.  I got her life story book out today when Bladelet was asleep and we sat on the sofa for our normal snuggle, which we have when we read, and then somewhat unexpectedly climbed on my lap.  It sounds like nothing, but for Wyxling, breaking what she considers normal in her routine is massive, and I just want to snuggle her and snuggle her and make it all make sense to her.  I really don't feel like I get it right when I talk to her about her birth family and why she came to be with us.  Her life story work is pretty rubbish, and I just used it for the photos, but I can't think how I could make this easier.  I know she's feeling very wobbly, she's incredibly clingy with me just now and any separation is causing massive upset.  I suspect we'll have problems tomorrow when I take her to nursery after half term.  I hate seeing her so upset and stressed, but I'm so relieved she's actually coming to me and wanting me when she feels like that right now.

Wyxling and hubby have been much better together this weekend, and had some good time.  Not close snuggly time, but she's been helping us paint the kitchen and he's been showing her what he's doing and she loves learning from him.  Definitely an improvement, but he's still completely nonplussed by her complete Mummy dependence and clearly thinks I'm pandering to her too much.

Bladelet has been cranky, difficult and grizzly, but also very, very snuggly at times, and we've had some brief bits of truly wonderful time together.  He's been settling with me much better, and really wanting Mummy and cuddles from me again, which he hasn't so much recently.  I'm just so relieved that I can hardly stop myself from crying when he comes to me for cuddles and really wants to stay with me.  I've been trying to be super patient and stay away from criticising behaviours (I just put him somewhere safe if he won't behave and don't really comment, other than to comfort him when he then gets upset) and it's really helping.  We really need the cuddly time.  He's the most incredibly snuggly and lovely little thing when he is like that.  He has a wonderful smile and gorgeous giggle when he's found something new that he likes.  He's also learned to kiss.  He's blown kisses to people for a while, but he's just started actually giving me a kiss.  He is so shy/delighted/adorable when I ask him for a kiss and he kisses me right on the lips, it's just beautiful.

Kids have played together, Wyxling is making a huge effort with Bladelet when we have to put him in the rascal cage to keep him safe while there's a lot going on, and sits next to him and "reads" (books she knows the words to by memory) and shows him pictures etc.  Bladelet was actually gentle and kind to Wyxling for I think the first time ever, earlier.  She was very upset and he came over while I was holding her and stroking her hair.  He looked like he was about to do something rascally to try and shove Wyxling off my lap so he could have it, and then he started stroking her hair and giving me little smiles.

We had another lovely bedtime tonight.  It was my turn to put Bladelet to bed, and he was really adorable.  I left him happy and smiling and waving goodnight.  Hubby was putting Wyxling to bed and as I walked past I could see her sat on his lap really happy and relaxed, and both of them stroking the cat that was attempting to settle on her bed.  She was delighted, and my husband was just happy.  He is absolutely crazy about our cats, he takes a huge amount of comfort from their small, mischievous, furry trust and adoration.  I know that seeing her being gentle and loving towards our cats, and enthralled by them, is one of the things he loves the most about her.  They really needed some good time together this weekend and they do seem to have had it, although it's by no means been perfect.

I am feeling very lucky this evening, to have such a wonderful family, however hard things can be at times.  Although I undoubtedly get very depressed at times about the struggles we have, I am also overwhelmed by the amount of love we have in our family, and the happiness my children have brought and continue to bring.

I'm absolutely exhausted, and my husband probably is more so at the moment.  He said to me earlier that he would rather have no days off, than every day off, but it's bloody hard and we are tired.


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## GERTIE179

Loving the fact you have had some happy family times this weekend.
House changes are stressful all round and more so with our littlies. Ive had more than my fair share of builders in the last few weeks and little man has done extremely well. No idea how you juggle both plus all the extra work mwah x


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## Arrows

So glad it was a nice weekend in the end and you have gotten so many positives from it. 
Please, I'm loving the concept Rascal cage -what is it? I have an image of a large dog cage turned into a den but perhaps it's a travel cot? I'm intrigued!


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## Wyxie

Just a play pen, Arrows.  We used to call it the baby cage when it was Wyxling's, but we hardly ever used it for her for various reasons.  With Bladelet it sees a lot of use some days, more than I like, but when he's in his best Mummy baiting rascal mood he's a complete liability to himself and all our stuff, so he really has to go in it when I need to get anything done.  We've got so used to calling him our little rascal (in a nice playful way, I might add) that it's just stuck.  He just is though.  He's a cheeky, giggly, little rascal.

Bladelet has been in devastating form today.  He absolutely owned all the old ladies in the co-op this morning, they were cooing round his buggy as he played peekaboo and "lost" his hand up his sleeve and found it again, and gave them all his most adorable cheeky smile and giggle.  Hubby had the day off work today, and took Bladelet to Tescos this afternoon, where I'm told he charmed his way round the entire shop waving, smiling, hiding, and blowing kisses.  

More importantly for us, he's been really snuggly with me the last few days as well.  He just suddenly seems to have decided that he does actually want Mummy again.  This has led to some horrendous squabbles between him and Wyxling over cuddles and lap sharing (or a complete inability to share to be more precise) but although it makes managing the pair of them harder, it still feels very positive.  He's always been happily playful with me if I play with him like he plays with random strangers, and he'll smile and giggle, but he's just not been settling with me for cuddles, always wanting to go straight down and pulling away.  He's even been settling to go to sleep with a big fight, just snuggling in my arms and giving me a little smile, then shutting his eyes and going to sleep.  He's still being a complete little monster for me at times of course, but he is our rascal, and I think that'll be around for a while yet.


----------



## Wyxie

Bladelet's Adoption Order has now been granted (yesterday) and he is officially ours. After the problems at our last review meeting I am very happy and _incredibly_ relieved to have any uncertainty gone.


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## becs40

Congratulations  Wyxie fantastic news!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Excellent news goodbye ss x x


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## Sq9

Congratulations wyxie


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## gettina

Wonderful news wyxie.
Congratulations.
Gettina


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## Handstitchedmum

Wyxie said:


> Bladelet's Adoption Order has now been granted (yesterday) and he is officially ours. After the problems at our last review meeting I am very happy and _incredibly_ relieved to have any uncertainty gone.


The freedom song is playing in my head! Congratulations!


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## GERTIE179

Brilliant news!! No more SWs unless you choose/need them yeah!!


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## crazyspaniel

Congratulations!!!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Congratulations!  It's such a lovely feeling.


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## AoC

Congratulations, Wyxie!


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## Wyxie

Thank you everyone, for your good wishes.

Lots of things happening at the moment, which I don't entirely have time to go into.  Went to a really good seminar earlier in the week, which I am now trying to digest and think of ways to put into practice, which is really easy with Bladelet and I think it's really helped me a lot with him, but a lot harder with Wyxling.  She's doing OK, in a lot of ways, but I rarely feel like she's truly happy and relaxed.  I just feel like I'm constantly reigning her in, which makes it hard to really have good fun play with her, but the more playful I am, the more disregulated she becomes, and then while she may be smiling/laughing, she's not really happy.  It's so hard to strike the right balance and more and more I just feel like I need someone to give me guidance on dealing with her, but it doesn't seem to be available, so I just need to try and find the right answer myself and hope I'm not missing the mark too badly.  It feels like in some way I must be because we're nearly two years in, and I still can't just play with her without her becoming very quickly disregulated.  We've got better at reigning in the excesses of behaviour this can lead to, and Wyxling does respond better to being reigned in, but it's a constant undercurrent of struggle; her pushing, me pulling her back, and it really does just feel like conflict all the time which isn't good for us.  Essentially, the underlying problem is still there, she disregulates at the drop of a hat when doing fun stuff, and I'm really struggling for ways to tackle it.  

Lots of sensory stuff has been recommended, which I try and do and it does seem to help but it's really hard to just drop everything and get something messy and squidgy our when you've got an 18 month old who just wants to grab everything, run off with it, and throw it everywhere, and then Wyxling wants to copy and we don't really deal with the disregulation problem, and I have increasingly agitated children with messy stuff!  I'm hoping summer makes this easier..  In the meantime I'm trying to do some stuff like this when Bladelet's asleep.  Today we made biscuits, which is wonderful, because: a. I have a kitchen to make them in; b. needing dough and rolling out/cutting it is something which is very calming for her and we do it together, squidging stuff is definitely good for her, and finally; c. we now have shortbread.

Actually in a lot of ways things are going well and I'm feeling quite relaxed about the reality of our family, in that Wyxling is probably going to need a lot from me and quite possibly professionals for a long time.  I am probably going to spend a lot of the next many years being therapist as well as Mummy, and a lot of time fighting to get her and me the help we need.  Although she fights me lots, we have also become really close, and she wants me and can be incredibly cuddly at times, which is just wonderful.  I'm massively relieved that we have Bladelet's Adoption Order and all the uncertainty is gone, and looking forward to our lives together as a family.  Although I do still struggle with knowing what our children have missed out on and what we missed out on with them, I don't feel any sense of loss that I have never been pregnant or given birth.  Adopting has given us and our children a family, and that makes me as happy as I have been.  

My only major concern right now is my husband, his stress levels, how that can make him behave at times, and the fact that he doesn't see that how he speaks to me and Wyxling, and how he behaves, is really quite unpleasant at times.  I am trying to support him as much as I can, and building up to another prod at him to go to the GP and speak to the GP about stress/depression.  In the meantime, I am trying to empathise as much as I can, and keep Wyxling away from his worst moods, because she is just so sensitive.  He's actually been really quite good with her today, and it's been nice to see them having fun together at times this weekend.

So, I am mostly trying to plan a celebration for both of them on the day of Bladelet's Celebration Hearing.  We never did much for Wyxling's because she simply wouldn't have coped with lots of people or excitement, but she's in a much better place now and we want to celebrate our children with our family and friends.  We won't be christening them, we're not at all religious, so we're just going to have a little party for them.  Family on my side are very receptive and excited.  Hubby's family were very offhand with me when I called to check the date for the Celebration Hearing we were planning would be OK for them, before I confirm with the Court we want it, but I hope that's just MIL being cold to me rather than a lack of interest in Bladelet.  In general she's been quite off with me over the last 10 months or so when my husband isn't around.  I think I may just need to accept that our relationship is not great right now, and that I don't want to rock the cart with my husband enough to pull her up for her rudeness, as he is clearly relieved that his relationship with his parents is much better again.  The rift with them was really hard for him, because they've always been close.  

Anyway, I'm planning a meal out, we're trying to find something nice but not too expensive because we can't afford to go mad and there'll probably be about 20 people or so there.  I have found the absolute perfect outfit for Bladelet which he will wear again so I can justify buying it (dungarees, I really just don't like seeing baby boys dressed up in trousers/shirts, and Bladelet would look utterly ridiculous if we tried to make him too smart).  I am now trying to tell myself that Wyxling definitely doesn't need another dress, she already has one smart dress for this year, plus a couple of sturdy pinafore type dresses that she wears a lot, and really she doesn't go to enough parties etc to need more than one good dress, but then weighing that against how delighted she would be if I got her something which I just saw that is pink and lacey and completely impractical to wear again given how much time three year olds spend climbing, running, ralling over etc.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## gettina

Wonderful dairy entry wyxie. 
Anyway, just a little fwiw imho vote for a (lacey pink) dress for wyxling.  
Gettina


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## Wyxie

Well, I'm quite glad I didn't buy the dress last night, because I went back on Debenhams website today and noticed that it was also available in a really deep red, which will look awesome on Wyxling; she's got quite dark colouring and looks stunning in deep/bright colours.  Even better, the dress and the dungarees I was going to get for Bladelet are now in the sale, so I bought them both.  

Her main request at the moment is that she gets to take her fairy wand to the "party" and her current favourite toy, a plastic stegosaurus who has a habit of ferociously eating everyone's toes while Wyxling cheerfully says "nom, nom, nom" and Bladelet roars, because he roars at everything that's got dinosaurs on at the moment including his own curtains when I try and put him to bed.  Could be fun at Court.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Fabulous when a bit of luck goes your way. A celebration is always lacking if there's no toe eating stegasaurus I think x x x


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## AoC

I'm totally with DIY Diva on that one... *g*


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## Wyxie

Hubby is poorly at the moment, he's had cold, just a cold really, but the cough has really lingered, and he's seriously screwed up the muscles in his abdomen and back from coughing. He's been pretty much stationary for the last three days, can't lift anything, certainly not either child, bend, do anything really. So, I have been attempting to do pretty much everything, while he stays still and watches babies. Of course this doesn't work very well because both of them want me none stop at the moment. Bladelet suddenly wants Mummy again which is brilliant but it's hard enough even on a normal day just dealing with the kids, because he sobs whenever I put him down and clings onto my legs screaming if I try and leave the room for any reason. Every time I need to do anything, and I've needed to do a hell of a lot today, I just feel awful. He wants me, and I can't hold him, I have to keep going and doing things, because they need to be done, and so I keep having to prize his arms from round my legs, force the stairgate shut behind me, and walk away leaving him screaming, whenever I need to go out the room. Taking him with me is a none starter because he wants to be held, and I can't when I'm cooking/going to the toilet, and also because when he is happy and with me he is _incredibly_ naughty and will grab absolutely anything/pull things over etc continuously.

So, basically, I feel rubbish about the whole thing.

Wyxling is also incredibly needy and while she hasn't completely melted in her old style, she is clearly unhappy and feeling a little rejected and unsettled by Mummy's unavailability.

If I try and cuddle Wyxling, Bladelet instantly falls on the floor screaming. If I pick Bladelet up for a cuddle Wyxling was just continue her normal "mummy, mummy, mummy" so I am always talking to her and find it hard to talk to Bladelet as well, without pushing her into a major sulk because Mummy has said she needs to wait a few seconds for an answer.

On an up note, I have got absolutely loads done today, so I should be able to spend the morning pretty much entirely with Bladelet once Wyxling is at nursery, and I'll put him down for a long nap to let me do some fun things with Wyxling. Then I'll get them both up for a play and hope they're in a better mood than they were on our last "play day" when I spent the whole afternoon trying to get Wyxling to stop continually testing and actually play and enjoy herself, without getting completely disregulated and going off the wall, while also trying to play with Bladelet and stop him just wandering off being naughty all the time to get attention. Easier said than done!

I am exhausted.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Blooming heck super woman you must be meeting yourself coming backwards hun x x


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## GERTIE179

Here here - hope you are trying to take care of you too. Life can be so so tough at times and the lack of suitable babysitters for that once in a while rest is definetly the missing link in my life. Hugs my dear x x


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## Wyxie

I went to a day long seminar by Margot Sunderland a couple of weeks ago, which was absolutely brilliant.

I am trying to implement and focus on certain parts in "bite size" chunks, to allow me to make manageable changes to how I'm dealing with the kids.

One of the things she said was in relation to continual badgering/attention seeking behaviour in children with insecure attachments, who are normally very needy.  She said that essentially the continual touching base with Mummy and need for Mummy's involvement in all their play and doings is not an attention grab, but an attachment need.  She said that toddlers with insecure attachments can have these attachment needs as often as every 20 seconds, and that it was important they were met, if they were going to become more secure in their attachment.  This is basically Wyxling.  She quite literally never stops saying Mummy, whether she has my attention or not!  It goes sort of like this: 
"Mummy"
"Yes Wyxling"
"I read book to my toys"
"I saw, you're very good at telling them that story"
"Mummy"
"Yes Wyxling"
"I read my toys whole book, they like it"
"Mummy likes listening to your story too.  Your bear voice is very good."
"Mummy"
"Yes, Wyxling"
etc, etc, etc

There is just no gap between my response and the next Mummy.  I try to be proactive and get in ahead of the next Mummy, and make lots of comments on what she's doing and try to get involved in it, but often I'm continually on the back foot and just responding to her constant Mummy, Mummy, Mummy.  Although I always answer her, I've often tried to discourage her from being so Mummy dependent.  It hasn't worked, I might add, and just tends to make her worse.  So, I am just going with it at the moment, and all the "Mummy"s are being met with a calm/happy "yes, Wyxling" and as many positive comments as I can on whatever she is doing.  I had been trying to stop her interrupting all the time, especially when I'm trying to talk to Bladelet.  I find it can be really difficult if I'm doing anything with him, because he doesn't talk really, so Wyxling tends to still completely monopolise me.  I am concerned that part of Bladelet's speech delay is because he can't get a bloody word in edgewise!  But, I also have to admit that telling her off, however gently, for constantly interrupting me just leads to a very sulky Wyxling and it doesn't stop her doing it at all, so I'm giving her a "just one moment, Wyxling, Mummy's talking to Bladelet".  If she carries on, she gets a "Wyxling, just let Mummy finish please, I won't be long".  

Anyway, hubby and I keep saying it to each other, "remember, it's not an attention need, it's an attachment need", which he finds quite amusing, but actually I'm finding it a lot easier to stay calm with her.  I guess my reaction recently has been that a lot of her behaviour is quite "normal toddler" in terms of attention seeking, and I've been trying to deal with it like this.  It absolutely hasn't worked at all, so this is what I'm saying to myself about a million times a day.


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## Wyxie

Thanks ladies.  Gertie, a lack of suitable baby sitters is a complete nightmare!  Despite all the problems today, I left hubby with the kids while they were asleep and went to the shop to get the things I had forgotten this morning when I took the kids, and just going to Tescos on my own felt like such a complete luxury.  I was only out the house for about half an hour including the drive there, and it was incredibly liberating!  The lovely weather helped.

Also, I have a new keyboard, after the cat was sick on the last one, and I have decided to get myself an ergonomic one, which is my excuse for any typos.  I do like it, and it's a lot less clacky than my old one, I really should have got myself used to one a long time ago as when I worked I did do a high volume of typing at times, but I never got round to it, and anyway I'm pretty relaxed while I'm typing generally, and find it quite easy to keep tension out of wrists and hands, so never really had many problems with RSI or anything similar through keyboard use.  But, as I needed one anyway, thought I'd swap.  I think it's going to take me a few days to get used to it.


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## GERTIE179

Completely agree even supermarket trips alone are like a vacation!!
X x


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## Arrows

Wxyie, I don't envy you all that you have to face on a daily basis with your LOs. 
I do envy your patience and strength of character to deal with everything in such a calm manner, especially when you're screaming inside.


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## Sq9

You really are amazing and wyxling and bladelet are benefitting no end from your patience and hard work  .


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## Wyxie

I am having a go at persuading myself that despite the tantrums, drama, sulking and general bad behaviour, time spent holding one child at the end of each arm to keep them apart while they tried to kick each other, and one full blown rage from Wyxling, today wasn't actually _that_ bad compared to bad days a few months ago...  I am also awarding myself a glass of wine on a week night for managing to stay calm with the pair of them all day.  Fairly calm.  Well, I didn't shout at them anyway.


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## MummyElf

You are superwoman wyxie....I'm convinced of it!

After a day of pixie whinging and whining allllllllllll the time and melting down every 20 minutes and little elf doing similar, I'm a shouting stressed out mess and looking at little man wondering if you can do time out with a 9 month old


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## Wyxie

Big hugs for you, really sorry to hear you've had a tough day. I recommend chocolate.

I don't know why I'm finding it easier to stay calm with them the last few months, but I am. If not easy, then I'm managing it. I think it comes down to having plans in place to deal with both of them. The first couple of months Bladelet was with us I really struggled because I felt so completely out of control, and that tends to make me quite irritable, which doesn't work well with any child of course, and then things just spiral. I am most definitely _not_ superwoman! I feel like I really have quite a few strategies in place to deal with Wyxling in particular now, and Bladelet is in so many ways just a baby and I try very hard to keep that in mind when he's shamelessly Mummy baiting. Things have got a lot easier and while some days I feel quite overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task of trying to help Wyxling get over her attachment, control and regulation problems, other days I feel like we're not that far from a pretty normal family life with two toddlers and it seems like Wyxling has made absolutely huge progress. Bladelet appears to be becoming more and more a "normal" toddler, although there are some concerns around development.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Whining really irritates the hell out of me and I do have to force myself not to pull Wyxling up for it, because it doesn't help.

We had a wonderful day yesterday, lots of lovely time in the morning with Bladelet, and then took them both to the park in the afternoon. Spent almost four hours pottering round enjoying the beautiful weather and my babies at their very best. Really hoping for a nice summer. Not scorching, just not soggy, so we can get out and about and enjoy being outdoors.


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## Wyxie

Something else that was raised at a recent training day I went on, was that children can feel very stressed out by lots of questions, even if your aim is only to take and interest in what they're doing. The suggestion was that for every question you ask, there should be four comments. They called it the "one hand rule", where you count of questions on each finger, and then the thumb is the question. The question should be one the child knows the answer to.

Ignoring the fact that most people probably do not need any sort of counting aid to get to five, both hubby and myself have been attempting to put this into practice. Several things are immediately noticeable.

1. This is a _lot_ harder than I thought it would be, and it takes a while to get used to stating the f***ing obvious all the time, without sounding really sarcastic.

2. It forces me to make a lot more comments on Wyxling's play, and these comments are generally positive at least in tone, which helps when I need to make a negative/sterner comment.

3. It forces me to make choices about certain aspects of her play that I struggle to know how to react to, and have dithered about for a long time. Predominantly things that disregulate her, but which you would not normally stop a child doing unless you were very rigid and strict. Hiding under a blanket, bouncing up and down on the sofa, etc. I have had to make definitive choices about whether something is OK, or not, rather than hoping she just stops it an semi-ignoring what she's doing. Some things that most kids would do, such as hiding in a box, under a blanket, simply do not work for Wyxling, and always lead to a disaster when she inevitably disregulates. The disregulation isn't usually awful, but it will be bad enough that she will be a danger to Bladelet (not from deliberately hurting him, just he will get caught in the lack of coordination and exaggerated/out of control movements which come along with it when they're in close quarters) and I will be obliged to step in and stop things, which then leads to a blow up. Other things, like bouncing on the bed/sofa, can go either way, so I've taken the "I'm doing something I know Mummy doesn't really like" out of it and praised her for being our really bouncy bunny, and then try to encourage her to do other things like other animals, or to get her toys to do it now she's shown them how.

4. It really does seem to lead to better play when she's making the decisions. Most of our good play tends to come generally when I'm taking the lead and it's bloody hard work. This does often lead to her playing better even when she's making all the decisions.

5. As 1, it's really, really, hard to do with an intelligent 3 year old, when all your instincts tell you to be curious and question.

So, it goes a bit like this. "Bunny's having a lovely snuggle with Wyxling." "Ooooh, cow's coming for a snuggle too." "Bunny is doing really big bounces, look how high he's jumping." "Cow is jumping with bunny" then, I might get her Tigger and put him behind my back peeking out quite obviously, and say "Who else loves bouncing with Wyxling?" and of course she knows the answer.

This is something that has really helped the two of us improve our play time together. It also makes me realise how often I phrase statements as questions, something else which can apparently lead children to feel pressured and stressed - which makes perfect sense now that I think about it.


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## Handstitchedmum

That's really helpful Wyxie. I apply similar techniques with vulnerable adults. Might even be useful with a few non-vulnerable adults. ;-)


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## Wyxie

Having a bit of a week of it with the kids.  Mostly, with Bladelet.  He's in a foul mood, tantrum after tantrum after tantrum.  Every day the same thing.  Fine until Daddy leaves the house, then bam, someone flipped a switch and he's instantly Mummy baiting.  I'm having to put him in the rascal cage far, far too much but the second I am not stood right over him he goes into a cycle of one thing to the next to the next, pulling stuff on the floor, grabbing drinks off the sides using long toys, wacking the TV, slamming the doors, turning the lights on and off, throwing anything he can get his hands on etc etc.  He just isn't playing at all.  I've been staying very calm with him but obviously have no choice but to put him in the plan pen when I go to get meals, the toilet, basically do anything at all that isn't playing right with him, at which point we're right into tantrums and sobbing to come out.  Get him out, and start again.  Even when we're playing he's constantly testing, throwing things at me, running off and grabbing stuff so I end up following him round the room taking things off him and moving him.  As soon as I move him away, tantrums.  I try and keep him down one end of the room when we're trying to play, as there are limited things he can do that will break stuff or hurt himself, and I can sit on the floor in the small gap between the sofa and the fireguard and stop him going to the other end of the room where there's far more mischief to be got into.  But then I just basically end up continuously turning him round while he throws increasingly big tantrums.  He hits, kicks, bites etc when he's having tantrums.  I've been trying to put him down, and let him come to me, but he throws himself straight at me to be picked up, then when I pick him up he wacks and kicks and tries to get out my arms.  Arrrrrrg!

I am mostly managing to stay calm with him, although I did really tell him off today when he hit the cat with one of his toys, but if I tell him off he just laughs at me!  Arrrrrrg.  He has no understanding of consequences and is far too babyish to really do much with behaviour wise, but when hubby says "no" to him he just does what he's told and/or cries.  When I say "no" sternly to him, he giggles and just does it more.  Hubby keeps telling me I need to be firmer, and I'm getting really, really cross with him because he's talking out his backside.  For whatever reason he responds to us in different ways and while strict works from Daddy, strict and stern from Mummy just winds him up more and makes him worse, and he really gets a kick out of it.

Anyway, I'm just hoping this passes soon.  I've no idea what's sparked the absolutely foul mood to go along with it this week.  Normally I can distract him and when I sit with him we get good play time, especially with Wyxling is at nursery, but all three mornings this week he's screamed, stropped, hit, kicked and thrown things the entire morning.  

He's also decided he won't go to sleep in his cot, suddenly, and is screaming the place down when I put him in unless he's asleep.  Fine for hubby though.  Grrrrrr.  Luckily he doesn't take too long to get to sleep and I quite like snuggling him off to sleep at night anyway, but in the daytime when Wyxling is expecting her play time with Mummy and little man is refusing to go to sleep and screaming while I hold him to try and get him to sleep it's not so shiny.

Bladelet being so difficult is quite obviously taking its toll on Wyxling, who is also poorly, and getting increasingly sulky and awkward.

This afternoon we went to a neighbours to play, and Wyxling had a lovely afternoon, and Bladelet was only quite naughty, which is an achievement.  He also was quite happy playing with me for a while. 

I can cope with the kids being difficult, awkward, and very hard work, as long as we get some good time together each day as well.  Really hoping Bladelet's mood is teething linked, and will pass soon.  I was feeling so much better about how things were with Bladelet just a couple of weeks ago and this week has really thrown me.

While I was having my little grumble here, Wyxling just woke up a few minutes ago, and came stumbling out her bedroom.  I got upstairs just in time to see her stumble out her room arms wide saying "mummy, I need cuddle you" and snuggled my poorly little girl back to sleep and tucked her in.  Bladelet then woke up and also wanted snuggles while he went back to sleep.  Everything feels much better now!  Good thing my babies are so snuggly, awkward little monsters that they are!

Right, we have a party on Friday for the babies (Bladelet's celebration hearing and having a party afterward for both of them) and I need to get some cakes away and buttercream covered up before leaving the cats alone downstairs tonight.


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## AoC

Hugs, Wyxie!  We had the thing where Bug reacts differently to the same approach from DH and from me right from the start and still do.  After a while we worked out not to recommend approaches to each other, because what worked for DH never did for me and vice versa.  It took a long time for DH to get that I WAS trying exactly what he was and it wasn't working.  When we walked our own paths it got better, which goes contrary to everything people tell you about consistency!

Don't shoot me, but is it worth considering calpol or something if it's teething related?  Not to medicate behaviour, but to give him a break from the symptoms and a chance to get out the vicious circle?  And can you all get out to the park to run some of it off, where there are less things to throw/switch/slam?

Big hugs.


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## GERTIE179

Hey - sorry it's tough just now. I recall a similar thing and definately think teeth might be to blame. We calpoled through it and got out lots even just the back garden or walking down and back the street. In the house little man knew what pushed my buttons but outside he was more vulnerable so didn't push and was happier.

Just some ideas to help you through this phase as this too shall pass x x


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies.  I think teething probably isn't helping, as normally we have good time when I sit down to play and his real testing/naughtiness only starts when I get up to do things.  But, having said that, while being under the weather makes him worse, he really does get a buzz from Mummy baiting.  I almost never react with obvious irritation, it's clearly an adrenalin kick for him, and I need to do what I can to reduce that, but I think my irritation has been showing over the last few days and that's not going to be helping.  I think in the long run the only real answer is oodles of patience, and eventually I think he'll stop doing it so much.  He had got a lot better, but the last couple of weeks we've all been poorly, I've been shattered, and trying to do a lot of what I normally do in the evening in the day time while the kids are awake.  Quite understandably, he's a bit upset by that.  Normally I do quite a bit in the evenings and although I do a couple of afternoons a week where I try and do a couple of hours housework, and fit the washing etc in, he's been getting a lot of play time when Wyxling's in nursery, and because she's so Mummy dependent when she's at home I think he really needs that focussed one to one time each day.

He's been much better today.  We've had a very busy day, but hubby has been at home, and between us doing things we've managed to give him lots of attention.  We've been getting the house cleaned and everything else ready for lots of visitors tomorrow for Bladelet's celebration hearing.  Wyxling's been in a lovely mood on and off, but also very tired and cranky, and actually quite poorly with a cold.  It's virtually unheard of for Wyxling to be in any way slowed down but she's been really quite poorly.  I'm really proud of her and how well she's doing in so many ways.  She struggles so much with control, and it's really hard for her to give it up, but we're managing between us quite well right now with a fair amount of trade off, lots of empathy for when she's finding things hard, and clear but calm choices when her behaviour's getting unacceptable.  We can stop throwing things around and come and get ready for our bath, and watch the TV when we go downstairs, or we can choose to carry on misbehaving and not watch the TV.  Then a countdown for her to do whatever she's been asked to do.  It almost always gives good results, as long as I only use it as a last resort when a big cuddle, lots of empathy for how she's feeling, maybe pretending she's joking and it's funny but now it's time to do what Mummy's asking, and a little persuasion have been tried first.  Then on the occasions she does make the "bad choice", unless I really have to stop her doing what she's doing, the consequence applies and I just get on with what I'm doing and tell her that Mummy knows she's not feeling good, and as soon as she wants to come for a big cuddle I'll be right there.  We're doing well with this at the moment and now normally all I need to do is say she needs to think about the choices she wants to make to head things off before we get into any sort of stand off.  Not always of course, but then she is 3.  I feel like, touch wood, we are managing behaviour in a way that still allows us to work on the attachment issues, and in which we simply couldn't have even a few months ago because she didn't have the emotional maturity to make a choice, and accept "giving in" on some issue.

Sadly, Wyxling and I being ill means a couple of people who should have been coming tomorrow now can't.  My oldest school friend, who was going to bring her 10 week old baby (7 weeks premature) simply can't.  He still has breathing issues and it would just be too much risk.  At the complete other end of the scale but for similar reasons my Gran, who has been plagued with chest problems for years, won't be there.  I am upset they won't be there, but also a little relieved that they're both being sensible.

Best wishes to all,

Wyxie xx


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## GERTIE179

Awee rubbish that you guys are a bit poorly and even more rubbish that some people can't come (understandably). Hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow
X x


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## crazyspaniel

Hope you and the little ones enjoy the day


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## Sq9

Have a fab day tomorrow wyxie


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## Wyxie

Thank you everyone.  Wyxling was poorly and Bladelet was shattered, but it was a wonderful day anyway and the kids coped brilliantly.  I very much wish I could share some of the photos!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Glad it was a wonderful day, special memories forever


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## Mummy DIY Diva

So glad you had a wonderful day.  Hope they're both feeling better soon x


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## Sq9

Glad you had a fab day and hope w and b are better soon


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## Handstitchedmum

Wyxie said:


> Thank you everyone. Wyxling was poorly and Bladelet was shattered, but it was a wonderful day anyway and the kids coped brilliantly. I very much wish I could share some of the photos!


Sorry Wyxling was poorly. You are doing well to manage them both. Congrats on obtaining legal rights to Bladelet. ;-)


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## Wyxie

Happy Mother's Day everyone.

I have had a comical day, and a very normal one for a family involving two toddlers, one knackered, and the other very tired and very poorly.  I am oddly happy at the end of it, because I think at last I am starting to feel in control of the situation even when I do have toddlers behaving badly, and a husband who loves me a huge amount, but is often awkward, and completely unromantic.  Also very unenthusiastic about over-commercialised stuff like Mother's Day, valentines day, easter etc, a position I tend to agree with, apart from on Mother's Day which has been such an unhappy reminder for so many years that I'd quite like to enjoy it now!

Bladelet has been incredibly snuggly and sleepy, and lovely, and occasionally playful and/or crying when he didn't get enough attention, but between me and hubby we've pretty much kept him happy and he's been lovely.  Wyxling has crashed from tantrum to tantrum throughout the whole day, and every time "no", or even "yes, later" or even worse "yes, after you've done x we'll do that" has been said to anything, the world has ended.  She has had some spectacular tantrums over nothing, hasn't been able to do anything she's been asked, and when faced with choices involving consequences, has just carried on sulking, then screamed when she doesn't get what she wants.  She's been horribly behaved and very difficult for big chunks of time, just like a poorly toddler really.  Poor little Munckin has spent half the day screaming and crying, and needed lots of cuddles, but we've still managed to get them outside and had some great time with them in the garden, at the local garden centre and then at the park, where Wyxling is learning to ride her bike.  She is really determined and loving hubby teaching her, and the last few days they seem to be coping with each other much better.

Then we come on to my husband.  I should say in my husband's defence, that on Thursday morning when he got home with the shopping, he gave me some flowers that Wyxling had asked could we take for Mummy.  When I say gave me, technically they were dumped on the kitchen floor with the rest of the shopping he had got, for me to unpack.  In among the shopping I was surprised to find three Mother's Day cards, not the two he'd been asked to get for our Mums, and I tactfully left them in the bag on the side when unpacking the rest of the shopping.  When he came in, he gave me a little "oh", took one out, and handed me the other two to pick which one was for which of our Mothers.

Yesterday morning after Wyxling woke me early and I got up to look after her, I went back to sleep (Saturday is my lie in morning, Sunday is hubby's, just a little one normally) he woke me up at 8:50, the latest I have slept for 22 months, with breakfast in bed.  That does give quite a lot of brownie points really.  After the good start, the day then got worse because our keys wouldn't go in our front door, and it turned out the lock we got put in just six months ago was faulty, and we had to get a locksmith out.  We had been going to do the weekly food shop together, and hubby had written a shopping list while I was having my lie in, so I took the shopping list and left him at home trying to fix the door and ultimately getting a locksmith in, an expense we could have done without this month.  While at the shops I found my Mother's Day present on the shopping list, so I helpfully bought it for him.  He was going to get me a mug.  This will be third time lucky.  He got me one for the first Mother's Day we spent with the Wyxling, and the first birthday Wyxling was here he got one from me.  I've broken both of them.  On this basis I decided to go for a four pack of very nice mugs with cakes on them, figuring that I will have a reasonable supply of spares to last me through until next year.  I also got myself a bottle of Baileys for him to give me, which I think everyone will agree, was very thoughtful of me.

This morning, even though it was my turn to get up with the kids, he got up with me.  While I was washing Bladelet's face, he was talking to Wyxling, who was asking why Daddy was up with Mummy on a Sunday morning.  He explained that today was a very special day, and that instead of what we normally do on a Sunday, they were going to go downstairs and do something he used to do with her when she was little, and have a snuggle on the sofa and watch the Malaysian Grand Prix ("fast cars") together.  I took advantage of him being up to have a run early, and when I came back found a distressed hubby who had by now remembered it was Mother's Day, but couldn't remember where he had hastily hidden the card.  

I found him some card and stickers and suggested he help Wyxling make one, which he did while Bladelet was asleep.  He also got her to decide what to put in the card.  He later told me about the conversation, which was golden.  He asked her what does Mummy do with her that she likes.  Her first answer was apparently "cleaning", and I do know what she means, if there are things she can help me with she really likes that, but I think there's also a bit of "Mummy's always cleaning when she should be doing things with me!" in there.  Her next answer was "play with me", which was lovely.  He asked her what else, and she had a think, sighed, shrugged, and then said "put feet ooop".  Love you lots Wyxling.   

To be fair when hubby was telling me about this later and teasing me for putting my feet up she was very defensive and said "no, Mummy play with me lots, and go park with me, and cuddle me and sing me songs".  Then, "Mummy want cup of tea and put feet ooop though."  

Anyway, I got a lovely home made card, with a nice message in from Wyxling after some prompting, and she wrote her name brilliantly on the card and the taggy for the present, which she gave me to open "when Bladelet oop".  When I did open it, she said Happy Mother's Day, and gave me a kiss and a cuddle, lovely.  Bladelet also came up for a big snuggle and to help me rip the paper off.  Wyxling then had a massive tantrum a few minutes later because she wanted the card back to take the stickers off and the label back to take the butterfly off.  

Life is starting to feel normal.  I do love my family, so much!

Best wishes to all,

Wyxie xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Precious memories, it sounds a lovely day with some golden moments   Family life is wonderful


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## gettina

So chuffed you've had TWO lovely days since I checked in wyxie.  
It certainly was thoughtful of you to add the baileys to the list. I bet dh appreciated your efforts.  

Gettina x


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## AoC

I'm PMSL here.... sounds lovely, Wyxie!  Love the "special day" being the Grand Prix!  I'd say your DH and my DH ought to meet, but the world would probably implode.  To Bug, the GP is "lots of Roarys."


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## Wyxie

I am ill.  I've been ill for about four weeks now, but I'm now more ill, to the point I've struggled to look after the kids and hubby has worked from home today.  Wyxling simply cannot cope with me being ill, and has just melted, repeatedly.  Massive, sullen sulky episodes of bad behaviour, followed by huge tantrums when she's stopped.  She is also having huge problems Mummy sharing.  That's not new, but it's getting worse not better, and I'm worried this is interfering with Bladelet completely attaching to me.  I spend ages trying to engage him and get him to come to me, hard enough when Wyxling is constantly trying to guard Mummy all for herself, and then copy me and try to Mother Bladelet all the time, which he hates.  When I finally do get him to come to me, Wyxling then also needs to be right on top of Mummy and pushes him away.  He will normally just wander off and I'll tell her off for it, only to get told that he doesn't want Mummy's lap any more anyway.  Arrrg.

I am too poorly to deal with this today.  I have not coped well with babies today or yesterday.  I shouted at Bladelet twice yesterday for his general completely none stop Mummy baiting naughtyness, and gave Wyxling a big telling off for not letting me be Mummy to Bladelet, and trying to be Mummy, cuddle him when he doesn't want it, tell him off, tell him he can't have things, generally, she is just trying to be the person between us all the time and it's driving me batty because I can't seem to come up with a good way to combat it.

Today I stayed calm but just don't seem to be able to deal with Wyxling well at all.  I just wasn't getting things right with her, and she does need things to be got just right.  No matter how hard I tried, I just wanted to sleep!

Tomorrow, better day, I am promising myself.  I just need to get them out the house a little bit where I can try and have good time with both of them.  I feel so incredibly torn between them both at the moment.  Some days I feel like there will never be enough of me to go round, and as a result I'm always going to be a let down to both of them.

Feeling healthy at some point soon would definitely hope.  Run down doesn't even come close to describing things over the last few months, hubby and I seem to always be ill, and I'm normally a really healthy person.


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## AoC

Ugh, how awful for you.  Concentrate on having a better for yourself, too.  It's not just about what you can give, hon.  I hope you all feel much better soon.  Or even better, you get better but babies get just sick enough to be quiet and need snuggles....  

Yes, I am that evil.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs feel better soon.  X x


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## Wyxie

Well, I woke up today feeling even worse, and realised around lunch time that I probably had tonsillitis.  I don't get it often any more, but used to when I was in school and at university and in other heavily germ ridden places.  In an incredibly shocking turn of events I rang the Doctors at 12:30 this afternoon in the vague hope that I might get to see the practice nurse this afternoon and actually got an appointment to see the Doctor at 4:30.  Anyway, I do have tonsillitis and also now have the most epic course of antibiotics I have ever seen.  Apparently because we have Scarlet Fever in our area and some of the symptoms are the same as those of tonsillitis, anyone with tonsillitis is also prescribed the antibiotics you get for Scarlet Fever(!)  But on past experience I would guess I'll be feeling considerably better in a couple of days.  In the meantime I've largely done OK with the kids today.  Not awesome, but OK.  Wyxling was incredibly charming in her own little very controlling way, but very charming none the less, and polite, holding doors open for old ladies, picking things up for a lady who was carrying a baby and dropped most of the contents of her change bag on the floor, please, thank you and generally wonderful.  Answer for everything and won't do anything I ask her to without an arguement of course, but despite a mini kick off at bath time, still a much better day than yesterday.  Bladelet was difficult at times, but I managed half an hour or so of good time with him this morning, after he screamed and kicked his way through most of the nursery run.  I had been planning to take him to a toddler group but he has conjunctivitis so I was a responsible parent and didn't go.

Anyway, I'm trying to think about how much easier it will all be in a couple of days when I'm feeling better.  In the meantime, I need to clean the house this weekend, I've hardly done any housework all week, and entertain babies.  Hoping for nice weather to make everything easier for everyone!


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## Wyxie

Well, this weekend Wyxling has just melted, completely.  Any semblance of normality has completely gone.  Massive amounts of distress about everything, incredibly challenging and defiant behaviour, quite calculated destructive behaviour, huge agitation with massive pushing away, big rages when she's gathered up to stay with Mummy to contain her and stop her breaking stuff and hurting herself or someone else, and then can't cope with Mummy putting her down afterwards.  We have both been completely thrown.  On the whole hubby has risen to it OK and he hasn't got cross with her, although he is really worried and upset.  She also tore a scab off the inside of her nose yesterday morning, which bled lots, while in the back of the car, done quite deliberately and very pointedly, then picked her finger until it really did just bleed everywhere.  Her clothes and the car seat where covered in blood by the time hubby could stop the car and pull up, and she was beside herself when they got home.  I hadn't gone with them, hubby just couldn't console her at all or calm her, I was in the shower when they got home and it was about 10 minutes until I got downstairs and she was just clinging to me.  Refusing to dress, refusing to wash hands, refusing to go to the toilet, refusing to let us put a plaster on her, refusing to go to bed last night, and then massive agitation and back to throwing all our stuff everywhere and a huge fight when we try to contain her.

This morning she refused to wash her hands after going to the toilet.  She's done this a few times and I've been trying to wait her out.  Hubby was in the bathroom with her and just stood her on the step and washed her hands.  She screamed but let him do it.  Afterwards she came running to me and said "Mummy, Daddy hit me".  I know he wouldn't do that anyway, and I absolutely know he didn't because I could see and hear what was going on in the bathroom, he wasn't even a little bit rough with her, he just held her hands and put them in the water.  But when she feels like she's being made to do something, like if I hold her hands to stop her hitting, no matter that I try and move with her so I'm not restraining her, she screams that I'm hurting her, so I think it was just something like that; she was made to do something she really didn't want to and in her mind that hurts.  But, it scared the hell out of hubby and me too tbh.  His instant reaction was that she was going to say that to other people and then SS would take the kids off us, and that he didn't want to touch her at all or be alone with her again, because he couldn't risk that happening.  I told him that was a stupid reaction, and it really upset me to see him withdrawing from her so completely when they'd been getting along better again.

I got her out the house to feed the ducks this morning, all of us, and although it was after the hand washing incident and hubby was not at his best, I managed to have a good run around and got her to relax and have some fun.  We had an OK afternoon for a little while, a nice play on my own with Wyxling, but then as soon as Bladelet was up and there was some Mummy sharing and some "no" she just completely went again, dragged all our stuff off the shelves and throwing it all over the room and at us and Bladelet.  So, back to holding her again, which she absolutely hates and gets so upset but I don't know what else to do when I can't talk her down, and believe me I try, and can't stop her being destructive.  Four or five meltdowns later and she came out with I want to talk to Mummy about being adopted.  I've been trying to poke her all weekend for if something's upset her and got nothing, but suddenly she came out with this one.

I have been a bit slack with life story work the last couple of weeks because it often results in bad behaviour afterwards and I've been tired and poorly, and I had been thinking I need to do some more, but her life story work is rubbish and disorganised (the photos are all out of date order and that's the bit she really gets so it makes it hard to give any sort of linear progression to it).  Anyway, I got her to help me clear up the mess she'd made, did what I'd been trying to do for two hours while she kicked off (because with Wyxling, you just can't give her a control card that will make you drop everything) and wait for Daddy to be free to play with Bladelet, and then did some life story work, and drew her a picture of us together.  She's been a lot better since then, although tbh she wasn't really paying much attention at all when I was talking to her, but maybe that's just how it seemed.

Really, really hoping this is some sort of unprocessed emotions, delayed reaction to Bladelet's celebration hearing a week or so back and we may go back to relatively normal, but I have such a distressed and unhappy little girl so often I feel like she needs help or we need help to get things right for her.  

I have a list of things to do tomorrow towards getting some support.  I'm also wondering whether I should mention to her teacher the incident with hubby where she said hubby hit her.  I feel like I want to defend myself but then part of me thinks that makes us look like we're trying to cover something up.  I am definitely going to talk to her about the awful level of distress this weekend and ask her to keep a close eye for any further self-harming, but not sure whether talking about this is a good idea.

In unrelated news MIL commented to hubby last night that she was looking at photos of his youngest sister when she was Wyxling's age and she looked so happy compared to how Wyxling is most of the time.  Hubby pointed out that their life experiences in the first 3 1/2 years of their lives were quite different too, and MIL said of course she knew that, but Wyxling has been with us for x long now.  I felt like her implication was that we're doing something wrong, or that somehow we hadn't noticed that she often wasn't happy, and now that we've had this pointed out to us we can be better parents to make our daughter happy.  I have a strong urge to ring her and tell her where to go.


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## Sq9

Massive hugs wyxie. I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid, I really wish I did


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## Handstitchedmum

Ugh, MIL!   give her some wooden blocks and four straws and then ask if SHE can build a nice tall weighty tower on a foundation made of straws.  

I have other things to say but they aren't for polite conversation. 

From my heart, I find her words incredibly invalidating. I know we don't want to believe in a world where we can be so catastrophically abused, but we do. This world exists.

The real question is, why is it so hard for your MIL to accept and 'sit with' that? Methinks her own foundations may be of the straw variety themselves, albeit plastered with stucco?


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## AoC

Gah. Poops to your MIL. DH's in laws sometimes comment about how Bug "must have forgotten everything now," and I try and point out that we don't want him to, and that he remembers more than you think.

I don't know if it helps at all, but Bug often says to me that DH has hit him when they've had a disagreement. (He hasn't of course). I think in Bug's head it connects more to 'things that are naughty' i.e. Bug hitting in the past, rather than accusations of abuse! He'll say it when DH has had to carry him, or put a hand on his head to stop him messing about or something.

We usually treat it with gentle scorn, making light of it, and say something like, "No, he didn't do that. I'm sorry if it felt like he did, but actually he just [held your hand/put a hand on your head]. Why did he have to do that?" And Daddy will usually say sorry that it made Bug feel that way, and we'll encourage Bug to say sorry for whatever was the problem.

Bug's said it about me to Daddy, too, once or twice, so it's just a divide and conquer tactic I think.

Huge hugs for the melt down, and hoping that you're right (and I think you are) about it being delayed reaction to Bladelet's celebration. And hope you feel better soon!


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## Wyxie

Thanks folks.  Had another pretty bad day with both kids, finished off with a horrific bedtime with Wyxling, hyper aroused/agitated state that I have absolutely no idea how to cope with and never have.  Just really do feel so down.  I know things aren't perfect and I know she has issues, but going back to this again is just so hard and in the meantime I feel like I'm doing such a terrible job with Bladelet because all he does is continually be naughty all day long for me, absolutely none stop, and then scream the house down and desperately cries for me when I have to put him in high chair or play pen because I need to do something other than take him away from the x-box, tv, computers, wires, plugs, whatever the hell else he is currently trying to grab and throw.  I know how bad it is to have him there screaming for me and me leaving him in a play pen, but I don't have any choice because he's that determined to cause havoc.  I have no idea how to get him out this cycle.

We were meant to be going out on Friday and staying over in a hotel on a works night for my hubby and my Mum was coming to look after them, the second night out we've had together in 2 years, and I just don't think I'll be able to go.  I'd just be dreading what I'd come back to on Saturday.  

It all seems so completely pointless and I can't help wondering how this is going to play out over time.  Something is just really very wrong with Wyxling and there doesn't seem to be any help I can get for her.  I can't exactly qualify what it is, but there's just a real wrongness, like there is just something missing.  We can't afford to pay for the help we and she needs because I can't go back to work, we don't even know what help she needs, just that something isn't right.  I'm terrified to think about where all this is going as she gets older without any proper help.  I just don't know what to do.


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## gettina

I'm sorry you are experiencing a step backwards after some nice forward progress wyxie.
I hope you can get some more help. Perhaps mentioning the self harm will trigger different answers re the therapy you wanted more of? 
And you haven't mentioned it in your last couple of posts - clearly bigger things have been on your mind - but I do hope the pills sorted the tonsillitis and you feel better, physically, at least hon xx
Gettina


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## GERTIE179

Huge (((hugs)))

I don't have any wisdom but think you are doing a wonderful job and you need to remember that you will get it back, Wxyling just needs help getting there again.

Re Bladelet, does he like chasing games? There's a bit in holly van gulden book that talks of this stage and lil man moved from peek a boo/hiding behind things to loving being chased with us all on all fours (my poor knees!). It lasted a while and was always great around Bladelets age if he just had manic time where he would swing from one naughty thing to another. This was our thing to break the cycle at least until we could get to nap/lunch/outside time as necessary. Now I still find it useful although he's rather fast and it's much better if we do it down the park or if he wheels his tike car about.

It won't prevent the time in rascal cage etc but you might find this/some other game or trigger is enough just to get you back on track. It's likely he's having his own reaction to the anxiety/poorly family vibes.

Whilst not the same, I've just had my own sleepless hours worrying about the what ifs of the future. Generally things are good but that worry is there. It must be soooo hard knowing deep down with the right help Wxyling would get there and I know you will persevere to get that for her. But remember these things take time for everyone to work through and there will always be blips that can't be avoided. For me I think has been the hardest thing to accept that this is our lives and we will always have the little (sometimes big) steps backwards no matter how much we micro manage the environment.

X x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sending hugs hun x x x


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the messages, I am trying once again to get some help for us and Wyxling.

I rang post adoption support on Monday afternoon, expecting to have to leave a message, and was put through to speak to a Manager but couldn't really manage the call as Bladelet was full on screaming the place down, and I was trying to manage Wyxling's quite difficult behaviour at the same time.  The racket at our end may at least have got across the message that all was not shiny here, because she said she'd get someone to call this morning while Wyxling was in nursery with a view to arranging to come out and see us asap.  They didn't ring, but I did get a courtesy call at least to apologise and say the duty worker was off sick, and someone would call tomorrow.  Just hope it happens.

Gertie, little man loves being chased and I think that's a lot of the problem.  He likes me to chase him so when I'm doing things he does stuff that means I have to chase him!  He just can't think things through yet from "Woohoo I got Mummy to stop making lunch and chase me" to "Scream the house down because I'm in the playpen while Mummy finishes making lunch".  It's not entirely that of course, there's a whole lot more going on and it can get incredibly sulky and defiant at times, but that's definitely part of it.  It may help with breaking this cycle when we're playing (or not) together though.  Normally I do a lot of quite physical play with him, we hardly play together with his toys at all because he's just not interested in that if Mummy's available, but I've just not been up for chasing him all over the place while I've been feeling rubbish and so it's all got very grumpy.  Plus it's hard to do when Wyxling is here because she wants to join in of course and then we have instant disregulation.  But, in the couple of hours we spent in the house this morning, although I had to cage him for almost the entire time I was doing stuff, probably about half an hour in total between putting food away, sorting washing, making snacks, getting drinks, getting our stuff ready to go back out etc, the rest of the time we had fun.  He was trying to be pretty damn naughty, but it didn't completely spoil the morning and I chased him round the garden for about half an hour or so when we got some sunshine.

Wyxling has been difficult again today.  Managing the outbursts is really hard and I'm not sure of the best way to do it right now.  It's not tantrums, it's a sudden thing when something isn't quite how she wants it today - and what she wants is random, different, weird, and completely not OK - but she's not having a tantrum, she just instantly is highly agitated and throwing, slamming things, she nearly managed to slam a draw shut on all my fingers this afternoon, she's in control enough to make sure she's picking the biggest heaviest things to swing around, throw etc, like today she started in our bedroom and instantly went for a photo frame I like and my free standing mirror, but can't seem to calm and stop and then it just gets worse and worse and when I have to restrain her she goes into complete fight mode and she's incredibly strong when she's like that so it's a massive physical struggle.  She can only seem to get out of these states when she gets sufficiently upset.  While this is going on Bladelet of course instantly misbehaves and I try and ignore it for a bit but inevitably I have to put him in play pen or cot because otherwise he'll trash the place or hurt himself running around unchecked.  We seem to have hit two real bad points, just after nursery, and bedtime.  When she's in this state no form of consequence means anything to her, she just can't make the decision to stop.  We have had some good time together too though, really nice playing together.  Just have to make the most of it while it lasts and try and make the most of my mornings with Bladelet.

Knackered, just managed to get sat down, and now have to come up with a way to get Wyxling to decorate a hard boiled egg and make a bloody Easter bonnet tomorrow.  Thank you nursery for almost two whole days notice of that event!  Next year I shall be prepared for all these random things.


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## Wyxie

Well, we seem to be settling into a manageable pattern.  Wyxling is still disregulating resulting in bouts of terrible behaviour leading to needing restraint.  I tried to let it run its course a couple of times but she wants a reaction, and she just escalates until I have to step in.  This has always been the way historically, she seems determined to force me into doing the thing she hates the most in that situation.  We seem to have managed to cut the frequency but straight after pick up from nursery, and bedtime if it's me putting her to bed, she's really determined to go.  I have had some lovely time with her in between.  I mean really, lovely.  Great play, and some closeness.  Also a lot of excessive clingyness at times in a less healthy way which I go with as much as I can, but it generally involves clinging onto ankles in a not at all snuggly way when I'm trying to, for example, take Bladelet up to bed. 

Bladelet and I have had some really good time in the mornings this week while Wyxling has been in nursery.  The good weather has helped but I've managed to get him outside a lot.  He's teething and that's not helping his mood, but we've still had some lovely quality time together, which feels like some balance to his caged time when he has been thoroughly miserable, as he always is when he's teething and in his play pen.  I do go and get him to cuddle him regularly, and I can sooth him easily, but as soon as he goes back in again he cries.

Post adoption support are meant to be giving me a date in around 3-4 weeks when they will come out and meet with us.  I'm waiting for a letter from them.

I had a meeting with Wyxling's nursery teacher this morning, regular parents evening (except in the morning because it's easier for me and her teacher) meeting.  Wyxling is doing really well.  She's 40 months old and meeting all the 30-50 month objectives, and all the 40-60 ones for numeracy and social, with the exception of being comfortable being left.  She still gets quite distressed (not crying, but really unhappy and struggles) with the separation, although she is very happy and enjoys nursery.  She just doesn't cope well with Mummy going.  She's really sociable with other children and playing well with other kids, in a very healthy way.  She stands her ground with the kids who might be a bit rougher, but without getting involved, and is generally well liked by other children.  Her writing is improving, she's reading the letters they've taught, which I knew because she does it at home, but more reluctantly.  Given she's not due to start school until September 2015 her teacher was confident that she'll be able to read before she starts school.  I read to her a lot at home, but haven't pushed her learning to read, as I wanted that to come from nursery to try and avoid a "stubborn" thing developing.  Her numeracy is great, and we do lots of that at home because she will accept that as a game from me.  She can add and take away single digits, as long as she has a visual aid (hula hoops, or snakes and ladders, or just fingers sometimes), but I was really surprised she'd been confident enough to do that in nursery.  Learning shapes, rhyming, and doing lots of her own craft work without direction as well as the organised stuff.  Generally, just doing really well.  I am so very proud of her.

Her teacher has been really supportive and while she doesn't see any of the serious problems we do at home, she's aware of them, and has been completely on board with some fairly careful handling.  She's never questioned that things can be difficult at home, just because Wyxling presents well at nursery.

She looked lovely in her bonnet, but the parade was a bit much for her.  She didn't take it off for the rest of the morning though, and was very happy on the way home filling it first with daisies, then later with stones, and finally, turned it into a snail house.  We seem to keep acquiring snails on the way home from nursery each day.

Bladelet, meanwhile, has taken up jousting with the clothes prop.

Wyxie xx


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## AoC

You sound happier,  Wyxie. Are you feeling better from your lurgi?


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## Wyxie

Tonsillitis is going, which is good news.  

I went out for our night out last night and we stayed in a hotel.  I wasn't going to go, I was undecided, and when I picked Wyxling up from nursery she was really difficult and a disagreement ended up with her running off.  I had Bladelet on reigns and couldn't catch her, and by the time I'd got him in his buggy she was out of sight.  I thought I knew where she'd gone but I was wrong and by the time I'd checked I realised I didn't even know if she was in the nursery grounds any more, because I'd gone off the path and it was entirely possible she could have got out without me seeing.  It only took 10 minutes to find her - she was still inside the school gates - with me and all the nursery staff looking, but it felt like an eternity.  I can't even begin to describe the total panic and helplessness; terrified that I didn't know where my baby was or where she'd go or what she'd do.  

In the end she came back, when she heard me shouting for her.  She was upset and clinging to me, but I don't know if that was just because she picked up on how upset I was.  By the time I finally got them both home, not an entirely uneventful journey anyway, we were all hungry, knackered, and I really needed some time to myself, which was a none starter.  Even the time I was meant to have to myself to get ready didn't happy because of a complete traffic nightmare, hubby took over two hours to get home from work, and I ended up trying to get ready with Bladelet in the cot and Wyxling following me round with her "Mummy... Mummy... Mummy..." on none stop.  Normally I'm quite good at staying calm through that but after the earlier stress I'd just been keeping myself going until the point I knew hubby would be home, and when he wasn't home, I was out of steam and getting very irritated.  

I'd pretty much decided not to go but then had a change of heart.  I'd like to say it was well thought out with regard to the kids, but honestly, it wasn't.  I knew it was going to be really hard for them, but I just need a bit of a break, and I think I need them to get used to Mummy and Daddy having the odd night off from time to time before I go mental.

It was all a bit stressful getting ready and getting there, and I was dubious about leaving Wyxling given recent problems.  But, once we finally got there we had a good night out.  It was a work do (hubby's) but it was a nice evening.  I really missed seeing the kids before I went to sleep though, just wanted to be able to stick my head in and give them both a fluffle and a kiss, and tuck them in properly.  Kids were flakey when I left them with Mum, and even she commented on how highly controlling Wyxling was being all evening, but she got them to bed with no fuss.  Was good to get a lie in, and all fine until I called Mum just before we went to breakfast this morning, and Wyxling picked the phone up and said "where are you Mummy?" in the most sorry little voice in the world.  I just wanted to be home and the breakfast, pack up and hour and a half drive back couldn't go quickly enough.

Wyxling was clearly struggling this morning and Mum seemed really quite stressed when we got back, but they were very well behaved, just not happy today.  This afternoon Bladelet has been pathetically clingy and Wyxling has been difficult.  We let her run around a bit this afternoon to let off some steam but she was stressed and there were inevitable blow ups over washing hands and after her bath.  Once I actually got her upstairs for her story and bed we managed it without a blow up.  So, could have been worse.

Tomorrow is my morning to get up with the kids, and despite being knackered, I think Wyxling will be early.  Going for an early night.

Just doing one day at a time at the moment.  It's the Easter holidays now so it's going to be a tough couple of weeks most likely for Bladelet, but hubby has a few days off and we're going to take them to the zoo and a couple of other fun bits so hopefully that will make for some fun time for all.


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## Wyxie

Attachment not attention... attachment not attention... attachment not attention... attachment not attention... attachment not attention... attachment not attention...

I will keep repeating this to myself all holidays and not get irritated.  I may also tie Bladelet's ankles together, he is being so ridiculously naughty with Wyxling off that I could scream.

And a deep breath, some sleep, and another day tomorrow.


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## Wyxie

Edited: Thought better of it.


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## Handstitchedmum




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## AoC

*hands over rope*


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## Wyxie

I remember during the assessment and matching process, being asked that incredibly annoying question so many times, what could you cope with?  I hated the question, because for me, the question that I think we should ask when thinking about our prospective family is not what we could cope with, but what do we hope for, and what would we be happy to live with.  In the end our choices were irrelevant anyway, because we weren't told enough to make any sort of informed decision, a fact which leaves me with very mixed feelings, because while I would never, ever be without our daughter, I also wouldn't have chosen this.

I'm also now starting to ask myself how much more of this I can cope with.  Days like today, I just don't know any more.  I do know I'm so fed up of hearing about how well other people's adoptions are going, how easy adopting young children is, and how I'm starting to feel the same sort of rage and jealousy I used to feel when seeing people pop out healthy children one after another.  I would give anything just to have my daughter give me a kiss, or say I love you Mummy.  I could cope with the violent and destructive behaviour much better if I got that too.  Occasionally I get a very sullen and sulky sorry, sometimes we do cuddles, but only when she's desperate and never nice happy family cuddles, we don't have those at all.  I'm so tired and fed up I just don't seem to have the energy to deal with my son's terrible behaviour without getting irritated.  I wonder what people who say "my child wouldn't do that, because they know me" or "I'm strict so I'd never allow my children to do that" actually would do when faced with a child like my daughter.  Would you beat her, until she stopped being violent and destructive, do you think that would work, or do you just not realise that some children don't respond at all to a firm tone and being told to go and stand in a corner?

Some days I think we're getting there, some days I feel like we're nowhere at all, and I wonder what next?


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## GERTIE179

X x x x


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## becs40

I couldn't read and run though I probably ought to! We're only just at the end if stage 1 and I'm sure you remember me posting on one of your posts about Wyxling's behaviour saying my friends daughter the same age was the same. Please forgive me for being that well intentioned naive newbie, I've read your diary religiously and now having also read "no matter what" I cringe with embarrassment for making that comment.
I am in complete awe at what you have dealt with and are dealing with and my heart really goes out to you and I so wish you had the support that you so need for Wyxling and for you. I think you are doing an amazing job and have shown tremendous strength and determination carrying on day in and day out relentlessly even when so poorly and worn down yourself.
I truly hope things turn a corner for you soon but in the meantime I think you're amazing!


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## melloumaw

sorry for gate crashing wyxie
i by no means have experienced what you have but have you tried whispering?
its the only way my eldest would respond when off on one, she was(still is) so nosey so i would crouch down,and tell her in such a tiny calm voice that mummy did not like that kind of behaviour etc.
i also used to say mummy loves you and always will but right now your behaviour means i don't want to be your friend,but when you behave nicely then i would like to be friends again, this 90% of the time worked
i don't know if this is any use to you or not, but just thought I'd share
all the best
Mel x


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## Poppets Mammy

Oh Wyxie, wished I could give you a real hug      xx


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## Sq9

.  You are amazing wyxie and I hope you get the support your family needs very soon xx


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## Flash123

(((())))) wish it was a real one xxxx


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## Sunshine7155

I just wanted to send you a big hug as although my situation is slightly different I do understand some of what you are going through and know I have suffered similar feelings to you with regards to feeling everyone else is having positive stories of adoption whilst mine has been not how I planned as such.

Take care and a big hug to you.  I can tell you love your daughter despite it being such hard work.....you are amazing and remember that ;-) 

Xxxxxxxxxxx


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## snapdragon

I can identify with some of what you said.  I often feel judged by other parents. Even at the adoption toddler group I attend lo stands out and. to be honest i'm disappointed i've not found more support there. Lo doesn't respond to a firm word, more likely to send him over the edge. I often think parents with well behaved kids think I'm not strick enough and lo behaves as he does as a consequence. Sometimes I think this myself but i've tried it and things got worse. I"m reading"calmer, easier, happier parenting" at the moment and trying descriptive praise which I think is helping. 

I do however get affection from lo so I"m lucky in that respect. You are doing an amazing job and have already made an enormous difference to your daughter's life. I hope things get easier.


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## Wyxie

Thanks for all the replies, it really does help sometimes. 

I am exhausted at the moment, and my head is in a complete muddle, so sorry no personal replies, but I am making myself go back to absolute basics and the determination that we will have some good time each day, even if there are also horrendous times and behaviour is often difficult and upsetting.  Both kids have had some happy relaxed time today and we survived the first in a series of kids birthday parties for the girls in Wyxling's nursery class.  I have been dreading these and actually although she clearly found it difficult and stressful, I stayed with her through the whole thing, except where I managed to get her interacting with the other girls briefly, and we did lots of very intensive one to one play which felt really positive and which we both enjoyed lots.

I also dropped Bladelet on his face today when swinging him round.  I am quite physical with the kids and I do throw them around and catch them and all the other stuff that most people leave for Dads because my husband isn't like that and certainly not with Wyxling, but it's the first time I've dropped one of them doing it.  Bladelet normally loves being spun round but for some reason today half way through he took exception, did a massive wriggle to go down, and I dropped him.  Felt awful, no serious damage, but still, felt really awful.

Hope everyone is well.  We are at one day at a time right now.  There's a meeting with post adoption support this week and I'm going back to GP to try and get a proper assessment done on Wyxling, and just hoping we get somewhere.

Wyxie xx


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## Flash123

Wyxie, I hope with all my heart you get the support both you and family deserve xx

Ps - I've dropped little man and believe me, he forgot about it far sooner than I ever did, infact I still have guilt pangs, him - I doubt he even remembers x


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## Wyxie

Well, in the absence of hormones things are starting to feel a little more in perspective again.  

We have also, somewhat to my surprise, had some really good family time this weekend.

I think I can cope when hubby copes, but when he starts to struggle sometimes I just feel like I can't do this on my own.  He has been struggling lately to stay positive in any way shape or form about Wyxling.  

We have had a good day today, some blow ups, but also a lovely family day out.  Bladelet has been his little cheeky self and had lots of fun doing new things with Mummy and Daddy, and Wyxling has just been herself for most of the day.  When she's truly relaxed she is just incredible.  She can be affectionate now, although not quite in the way I'd like some of the time and it does really upset me that she never says she loves me, she has been cuddly, and affectionate, and impulsive, and happy, and kind, and gentle.  Bedtime was a bit of a nightmare, but then it often is.

Early night for me tonight, hubby back to work in the morning and Wyxling as nursery so I'm sure we'll have an "interesting" day all round, but hanging on to today and thinking about my smiling little girl in the sunshine having a very serious one sided conversation with a donkey she was riding at the park.

Wyxie xx


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## AoC

((((((((big hugs)))))))) for you, Wyxie.  Glad you've had a better day, and hope it lasts and grows.  Wish I could do something to help. :-/  Your commitment to and determination for your children just shines through, I think you're amazing.

I have your post about attachment/attention and "think younger, think younger" pinned to the cupboard in the kitchen, and frequently point it out to visitors who need a bit of education.


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## Wyxie

Meeting with post adoption support yesterday was awful, largely because on the outside chance of further help being offered, I felt obliged to bite my tongue and not say what I would have liked to.

SW was dismissive, critical, patronising and rude.  Essentially, the problems aren't as bad as we think, his daughter also did x, y and z, and what problems do exist are my fault and a problem in the relationship, not an attachment problem.  This opinion reached without ever having seen Wyxling, and seemed to be largely based on her age, and the lovely smiley picture we have on our wall.  There is the possibility of a referral back to theraplay, but we need to wait and see.  The possibility is the only thing that stopped me from telling him exactly what I thought about his appraisal of our family.  I can't even begin to describe how angry I am at having to let another stranger from Social Services judge me in my own home on the off chance I may get some help out of it.  Sometimes, when I get very angry, I revert, and eloquence combined with a good education go completely out the window, and all I have to offer right now are expletives which would no doubt significantly upset the forum moderators, much like they do my husband.

I mentioned asking for an assessment by the community paediatrician and he advised against it, because if we did get a diagnosis of a problem it would just be a label.  I am ignoring this advice and our HV is coming out to see me next week to talk about what we can do to get help for Wyxling.

In the meantime I am managing Wyxling and wondering what on earth to do with Bladelet.

Thanks for the replies and support.  

AoC I try and remind myself about the attachment/attention issue as often as I can, in particular with Bladelet at the moment, who is doing his best to try what remains of my patience!


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## Sq9




----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So sorry you have had to ensure what is quite frankly despicable treatment from the so-called professionals   It infuriates me how they are trying to play all this down, why don't they try living it for a day, why do they think they know Wyxling better than her own mummy. I'm disgusted and so upset that you are reaching out for help and being continually knocked back   Really hoping you get some kind of support very soon


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## GERTIE179

Aww big hugs. My PAS has been good thus far but any budgetary things have came from placing la so much easier for them to be nice about it. Also got a good HV and Paed which again has helped. I think if we were asking for expensive things it would suddenly change though and I think that so wrong. At the end if the day were fighting for our gorgeous children to have the best available to overcome their difficult starts (as best you can) and if in FC the children would qualify most if the time.

It makes me so angry as you certainly wouldn't ask if you didn't think it necessary.

Hugs & hope you get some support for you too (even if it's just a friendly ear and a coffee) x
X


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## Flash123

This makes me so angry. Sadly it seems so very typical of far too many 'professionals' who have too much power to decide what they 'deem' as needed. As lolly said, it isn't their lives and it isn't their family. It is extremely short sighted as surely early intervention would be beneficial and in the long run make far more financial sense...or is this too much like common sense? (Not tht I feel it should be down to budgets) 

I feel the saddest part of this is tht they are assuming they know your child better than you. Throughout hs you are told about seeking and using support when it is needed. This you have done and you have been knocked back. It's simply awful.

I hope that your HV proves to be more supportive and helps give you what you and your precious family need and deserve. 

(((()))))


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## AoC

Ugh, I'm raging for you.    It's ****** ridiculous!  (((((((hugs))))))))  So cross (as I would say to Bug).


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## NancyS

I also felt really angry reading this - it's just awful that this seems to happen to so many people.  I'm assuming that your social worker is in no way qualified to be able to tell you what the problems are or to diagnose attachment difficulties?  And to dismiss attachment difficulties and to try and blame things on you, is beyond awful and shows that he is utterly incompetent and is not acting in the best interests of your child.  

Definitely go ahead with the referral to community paeds - what nonsense to claim that a diagnosis would just give you a 'label'.  What you need now is as much support as possible, as the support is more likely to help if provided as soon as possible.  

If you in any way have the energy, I would write a letter of complaint - and would probably also contact Adoption UK for further advice


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## Wyxie

Thank you all so much for your replies and support.  I am waiting to see what if anything post adoption support offers.  We've been told it could be a few weeks.  Then I'll decide what to do next.  

In the meantime, I have had a brilliant meeting the headteacher of the school we hope Wyxling will go to, regarding both children.  I was actually just looking for more information on what would be available for them in terms of additional support if they need it when they get to school, really just to make certain this was the school I wanted to apply for.  The school is attached to Wyxling's current pre-school, where she's doing really well and they've seen relatively little in the way of problems, certainly no behaviour issues at all, although I have discussed some of the at home problems and general attachment issues and regulation problems with Wyxling's teacher previously and they've been very supportive.  It was a very useful meeting and she agreed that it was likely Wyxling would need support in school even though she is coping well with nursery now, and currently most of the more obvious problems are in the home.  The school has a lot of resources and very good discipline structure which fits well with what we use at home, there is also the option for sensory/nurture play "breaks" if she's getting stressed/agitated and the SEN resources they have appear to be brilliant.  She was very supportive and also had a long chat about Bladelet and how they can support him when he starts pre-school.

It was just so refreshing to speak to a professional who actually seemed to have a reasonable grasp of the impact trauma can cause on children, was aware of the sorts of problems attachment can cause, and how hard it can be for children to process things which are emotionally and intellectually beyond their grasp, such as why they've had 3 mums, and who didn't question my judgement as a matter of course.  

Just hope we get her in to the school now, they have a huge waiting list this year and lots of people didn't get in.  I know we get priority but not sure how that works over people who live in their area (we don't).

Hope everyone is well.

Wyxie xx


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## GERTIE179

I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed you get the support you so need and let you get that positivity again.

It really does give me hope and a real boost when your faith in professionals is restored. 
X x


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## Flash123

That sounds so positive. It sounds like you have a gem of a school there wyxie. they sound like they have an excellent understanding of SEN, particularly  EBD (emotional behaviour difficulties) 

Again, I know I am biased and I know I am already speaking to the converted but a 'nurture' facility, in any way, shape or form is simply fantastic and I feel would be so beneficial for wyxling. We have one in our school. its my baby and if I could recommend only one type of edicational/school based support for children who have suffered trauma (both pre and post birth) then nurture is it.  In our little school currently, over 30% are involved with social services on a significant level and 5 children have been removed into care since Christmas (both staggering high numbers considering we have less than 80 pupils) the impact it has had is tremendous. 

Hope you get some good news regarding intake and PAS VERY soon.
Xxx


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## Loopylou29

Wyxie

I wouldn't worry about not living in the area. We live 5miles away from the reception ds1 has a place at. His school to be is massively over subscribed but he took priority and we were offered a place on offers day. Were we live 5 miles covers lots of other primary schools that we could have applied to but didn't for reasons similar to yourself.


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## Wyxie

The last couple of weeks, as well as some real difficulties, have given me a huge amount of the wonderful family time I longed for when struggling to have a family.

When I mention Wyxling's difficulties, I often get a very patronising "my son/daughter had terrible tantrums when they were 2/3/4 and it all passes".  Tantrums are part of toddler life, and of course children have them.  Bladelet has some crackers.  Wyxling doesn't often.  Tantrums normally come in the more settled times, and are just part of normal toddler development, unless they become too common or extreme.  Wyxling doesn't have tantrums when she's struggling, we have controlling defiance, agitation, disregulation, very bad but seemingly quite in control behaviour (I don't believe it is), raging when restrained, which lasts until she's burned herself out.

Wyxling had a really bad couple of days last week and I was really, really pleased with how I handled it, and also how hubby dealt with it.  Wyxling also had a major wobble, including telling me, when we were talking about b/m and f/c, that she liked our neighbour and she could be her new Mummy.  She wasn't being spiteful or trying to hurt, it was just an offhand comment which really does reinforce to me that she just doesn't understand she's not going anywhere.  She doesn't want to go and live with our neighbour, she just doesn't understand really why she's had more than one Mum or that this really is forever, and "Donna is nice".  I think since she' started talking more hubby is starting to understand quite how insecure she is, and in many ways the more she develops, the more obvious the depth of her insecurities become.  I think that makes it easier for him to see past what I think to him often seems just a wall of sullen disobedience and rejection.

Since then we've had three days of glorious weather, lovely trips out, time at home, in the garden, Mummy doing stuff, Granny (my mum) visiting and a trip to the zoo, lots of normal family stuff which is really difficult for our kids (except for park trip), a few tantrums, a few sulks, some grazes, drama of cleaning them, and just us, with our family.  I know there are still underlying problems but I can honestly say the last couple of days have been the most normal and relaxed our family has ever been.  Wyxling was great with Mum, who was also great with her (Wyxling was trying it on, Mum was giving her lots of attention and play, while saying a pretty firm "no" to most of her testing).  She did spoil them a little with gifts, but it was practical stuff, new sun had for Bladelet, she saw some sunglasses for them and wanted to bring them, and I said I'd promised Wyxling new sunglasses when she filled in her whole sticker chart so Mum just brought them and gave them to me to give to the kids.  A little purse for Wyxling and some packs of tissues with flowers on.  Wyxling really enjoyed seeing Granny and gave her some cuddles, but fundamentally wanted to come back to me when she was tired, when she fell over, when she wanted carrying.  Bladelet also loved seeing Mum but was very much wanting Mummy and Daddy and although rascally, he has also been lovely.  

Wyxling has started giving me kisses the last week or so.  I don't know why or where it's come from, but suddenly she is.  Bladelet has been only 80% or so rascally, and we've had some lovely snuggly time and some really fun play time as well.  Wyxling and Bladelet are finally starting to play together sometimes without needing a referee!

At the end of the weekend I am feeling happy, relaxed, healthy (a good mix of sun, fresh air and exercise) and slightly tipsy, and hopeful that we can have more normal family time and start seeing more of people again.  It really is long overdue.

On a more practical less wine induced note, our HV has got involved with post adoption support.  We saw her this week.  She's always been very supportive, although some of her ideas don't really work with Wyxling and Bladelet and attachment issues, she's done as much as she can to support us and get us further help.  I had a call from the post adoption worker the day after I spoke to her, and he said he had changed his mind and thought we should involve community paediatrician, and he's trying to speak to the local theraplay service to see whether they will start that back up again.

Thank you all, as usual, for your support.  I know I don't often do personal replies, because I'm always so pushed for time, I should probably write a blog not a diary on a forum, but the support from this forum means an absolutely huge amount, and I love reading about how other people's families are forming and developing.

Wyxie xx


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## Handstitchedmum

I am so glad things are progressing for you and Wyxling.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

It all sounds great, keep it up ALL of you (including the gorgeous weather  ) So happy to see such a positive and happy update


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## AoC

What a lovely post.  So happy to hear you're feeling relaxed and happy and healthy!  It strikes me, thinking that, that although I do care about Wyxling and Bladelet and hubby, it's you I care about most.  So there.

I can completely relate to the supportive school professionals!  It transforms worries about school, doesn't it?  So glad to hear it sounds like a good choice - and don't worry about priority, as I understand it, PLAC priority trumps everything.

Wishing you more of the same.


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## Sq9

Fab update wyxie


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## Wyxie

Thanks everyone.  AoC, that's very kind.

Struggling this week.  I am hot, bothered, tired and have the worst bout of thrush I have ever had, which is in large part responsible for the bothered and tired part.  I can pretty much guarantee that whoever came up with the idea of parenting adopted children therapeutically, did not do so with sore, itchy bits. 

In unrelated news, tomorrow it will be two years since we met Wyxling.  I've put together a couple of little photo albums for her to have.  She often wants to look at life story work but it is all very negative of course, and I feel like she feels very negatively about adoption.  Her life story work is too long, and with only a brief mention of finding her forever family at the end of it.  I try and put a positive spin on it, looking at the lovely baby photos of Wyxling, how beautiful and lovely she is etc, but it doesn't really seem to work.  I've done two 20 photo albums, one of things we did in the first year she was here, lots of firsts, and another for the second year.  Some "firsts", like the photo I took the first time she called hubby "my Daddy", and the first time I took her to the park, fed the ducks, Daddy teaching her to ride her scooter, nice family days out.  The second book has a few photos which mirror ones in the first book.  Us together on the same train at the zoo, Daddy teaching her to ride her bike, her on the same climbing frame, plus a few new things we've done this year, and of course Bladelet too.  I'm hoping it might give her some sense that we will keep being together year on year.  I'm also putting something similar together for Bladelet.  

Next project is some much simplified life story work, which I want to try and condense to just 3 or 4 laminate A4 sheets, and mostly pictures with some very simple text.

Time to try and get some sleep!

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Wyxie

Two years ago today we met Wyxling for the first time.  She absolutely blew me away from the minute I saw her peeking out from behind a chair, all big brown eyes, clearly weighing up whether or not she should risk coming out in order to get the balloon we had brought for her.  She was enchanting, and completely stole my heart, and in that instant I was Mummy and the focus of my world had changed forever.  Wyxling led to Bladelet, and now we have a son and a daughter, and life has changed beyond all recognition.  Life certainly has had its ups and downs and I'm sure it will continue to do so, but I can say with absolute certainty that my children have brought more joy and fulfilment to my life than anything else I've done. 

We had a quiet celebration with Wyxling today.  I made her two photo albums, as a follow on from her life story work which she often wants to see at the moment, but which she clearly feels very negatively about.  I made one for each year she'd been with us with a handful of photo "firsts", some special occasions, and the second one shows us doing a lot of the same things again that we did the first year.  She absolutely loved them and while Bladelet was asleep we spent a long time looking at them and talking about everything we've done, and what we will do in the future together as a family.  My Mum also recently brought down some photos of me when I was younger, a few family albums I didn't even know existed, as Wyxling has often asked to see photos of me and my family when we were younger.  We spent a lovely hour or so looking at photos, and then made lots of stuff from blocks, and splashed in some puddles when we went out later.  We had a nice family meal and the kids clearly loved the idea of take out, especially dim sum, and I let them eat far far too much.  Wyxling has been very snuggly and affectionate tonight, and both babies are now tucked up in bed fast asleep.

I hope everyone is well,

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## Sq9

Amazing to hear how far you've all come.  I know you've had some very difficult times, but your determination to do your absolute best for your children is so inspiring and if we can do half as good a job when we meet our lo, I'll be happy


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## melloumaw

such a heart warming post. long may it continue wishing you and your family all the best
mel x


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## Wyxie

Feeling hugely frustrated. Wyxling got very disregulated this afternoon, agitated, couldn't calm. I tried to get her to sit with me, which always ends up in blowing up before calming, and headbutted me in the face. No serious damage done, but hubby was there and got _very_ angry, dragged her away from me, shaking with rage, and yelled in her face. I picked up Wyxling and took her upstairs. Sorted Wyxling out, eventually calmed her down, took her back downstairs, and got her to apologise to hubby. Hubby refused point blank to apologise for getting so angry with her and yelling, and is maintaining that she's just a violent child and nothing else has worked, and when he yelled at her she stopped fighting. I said I thought he needed to try and look for a way to hide his anger with the kids at times. He doesn't often shout, but it's not unusual to have him very obviously angry with them, jaw clenched, very curt, impatient, and completely unapproachable and cold, especially if it's Wyxling. It really distresses Wyxling when he's like that and when she's distressed her behaviour goes downhill quickly.

I am now the bad person, hubby is barely talking to me. I apologised, which kind of irritates me, because I don't think I was wrong, but given his reaction I can't see that I'll never convince him of that and he's certainly not going to sit down and have any sort of productive conversation with me. His doesn't deal well with conflict and disagreements and struggles to see other people's view points in a lot of situations. He's also very unwilling to admit he's wrong about anything. I really can't see him coming round to the idea that he needs to think about how he can change and how he's behaving in the house at times, so I often feel like the best option is for me not to annoy him either, and try and keep the kids' problems away from him. I'm kicking myself for not managing Wyxling better, because it was a silly thing that needn't have got so out of control.

Bleh, just fed up, and it annoys me how much it upsets me when hubby is really cold, and although I want to argue it out with him, I know nothing good will come of it and I'll just end up really upset and not sleeping, which will make tomorrow difficult. I always struggle to sleep when he's cold or annoyed with me. So, I'm trying to ingratiate myself and poke him out of this ridiculous offended sulk, which seems to be due to me mentioning learning to manage his anger better to hide it from the kids.

Bleh, had better days.


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## crazyspaniel

Just wanted to send hugs  
Trying to keep everyone happy/ calm/ regulated is a difficult and often thankless task  
Also been there with apologising for something that's really not your fault in order to keep the peace.....

X


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## GERTIE179

Arghhhh just wrote a bigger piece and lost it.  Really feel for you as I know how much you love your family and want Wxyling and hubby to have a stronger relationship.  You can only take a horse to water though.

Hope you find some local support - even an outlet for you if hubby not interested just now! Our local AUk has a Dads group who go out for drinks etc a few times a year. 

Here for you if you need anything x


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies.  We do seem to have sorted ourselves out somewhat now, as in he has stopped sulking.  I've decided not to make an issue of him being a bit of an asshat on Monday, and just enjoy the peace.  

We haven't really addressed the Wyxling issue, but we seem to be back on track and actually having a surprisingly good week considering it's half term and it's raining none stop.  Never good with my two.  Bladelet is being a bit of a screaming nightmare but Wyxling has been OK, hard work as ever, but it's good to be enjoying having her at home for half term and I am, just because hard work or not, when she's happy and playing with me we have a good time.  Wish I knew what to do with Bladelet right now, but nothing seems enough for him.  He just wants to mess me around and no matter how calm I stay, and how much I try to engage him, he's really not that interested a lot of the time.  It's harder with Wyxling off nursery but actually we have had some good time this week and I try to stay calm about the things I just can't seem to do anything about.  He screams when I get him up, when I change him, when I get him dressed, and when I invariably have to put him in the play pen the second I step out the room no matter how briefly.  His understanding is still pretty limited in terms of behaviour and consequences, so nothing really to be gained by any sort of consequences at the moment, other than the logical ones which come as a result of me having to manage his difficult behaviour.  I just hope this is in large part a developmental phase, if a fairly extreme one for a child this age, and that soon we will be able to start moving forwards.  He can be absolutely charming and delightful, but not often in the house with me!

Anyway, having had a couple of fairly successful trips out this week, I'm braving a mid-length train journey to take them to another city to go on a trip out with just me and kids tomorrow.  Really looking forward to it.  I may regret saying this before the end of tomorrow, but it occurred to me recently that while I know things can be tough at times, I've just got used to managing two toddlers out and about and it no longer daunts me like it used to. 

Wyxie xx


----------



## Wyxie

Well, Bladelet was a little monster, but we did have a reasonable day.  It was hard managing the two of them, I'd underestimated how busy it would be with it being school holidays and wet and Wyxling was really phased by how crowded it was, which can make her behaviour difficult, but we headed it off.  Bladelet was completely unphased and utterly delighted by the number of Mummy baiting opportunities the crowded conditions generated.  I honestly could have strangled him at times.  He had four other people's buggies over, and managed to get loads of stuff off buggies onto the floor even from in the confines of the buggy, before we even get onto the delight he took on lying on the floor refusing to get up, climbing stuff and trying to bite his sister.  I did think for a while he would just spoil the day for all of us, but he was also interested in lots of the stuff there and we just about managed.  Wyxling was fascinated and once she got over how busy it was she really loved it.  Awesome penguins, we watched them for ages, and although we missed all the official talk/feed because of how busy it was, we managed to catch the keeper giving the otters their lunch inside their enclosure and Wyxling stood and watched them being fed, playing and generally being cheeky for half an hour (Bladelet was very much in the buggy by that point and I was sorting our stuff) and was just entranced.  Everyone else was entranced by the tiny three year old guide telling them exactly what was going on and which one wasn't sharing, which one just ran off with "a whole chick to himself, very greedy dotter" etc.  Tbh I just let Bladelet stew for a bit and enjoyed watching her/talking to her, because he'd had so much attention for most of the day.  They both loved the underwater tunnel and the big turtle.  Train journey managed quite well actually also and after a day of being a complete monster he suddenly transformed into a gorgeous little rascal again once we were singing songs on the train.  I can go from furious with him to utterly enchanted in seconds.  I just wish we could have more enchanting right now!  I did also get him to snuggle with me and go to sleep tonight which I really needed.  Seeing him tiny and sleepy and in my arms helps remind me how little he is, which I need when he's being incredibly awkward to help remind me not to let him see how cross he makes me!

I spoiled Wyxling outrageously but she was just so good and despite Bladelet's naughtiness, which I managed to sneak in while he had a sleep so hopefully not too much jealousy.  Mostly she just wanted postcards to put on her door of all the things she'd seen (because "Mummy's photos always blurry" - true sadly) which was lovely and I don't mind that at all.  When hubby got home from work he got talked through out day and shown all the postcards.  He asked her if she'd had a nice day and she said "Yes, but I hope you were there too Daddy".  He was really surprised and clearly very happy that she missed him.

It was, however, pretty stressful, and I have had a beer this evening!

Next up is the space centre in a few weeks.


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## AoC

You're awesome, Wyxie.    Hope Daddy really heard that, and holds on to it.


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## Wyxie

Thanks AoC.

Are bedtimes getting any better yet?

We've had a pretty eventful and very up and down weekend. Also had one of the lovely ladies from this forum and her equally lovely son visit on Friday which was great, even if the kids were both quite out of sorts. Sadly Wyxling had a really bad day, although she held it together, if quite sulkily, while we had company and it really got out of control on Friday evening. We seem to have managed OK though and actually had a good weekend in the end. I think we just handled her right, unlike the rest of the day. I wish my hormones didn't mess me around so much but I'm just rubbish for a couple of days each month at seeing things clearly.

Anyway, all that aside, we had an OK weekend and a really nice afternoon today with friends visiting with their baby. Bladelet was very funny and adorable and lovely with me this afternoon. Wyxling really shines when we have babies here. She's just _so_ good with them, and is really delighted when they respond well to her which they almost always do. Older children she can feel awkward with, but when it's a baby she just seems to know what to do, and is just quite calm and gentle and playful. It's always lovely to see her like that.

Also, in my attempt to get my kids a relatively normal life of doing stuff I'm taking them out quite a bit more now, even though it can be stressful. Some things work well, some don't.

I took them swimming on my own, and honestly, I was setting the success bar pretty low. Really, neither of them drowning was going to be a win. Actually, had a really wonderful trip out and they both enjoyed themselves with me together, which is pretty near impossible. Wyxling is really confident in the water. Bladelet was getting there but we haven't been for a while, and took a little while to be prized off me, not altogether a bad thing as Wyxling was coping OK with it, but once he got going he was great. He just kept walking out of his depth and not really understanding why one minute his nose was above the water, and the next it wasn't, and I was hauling his head back above water again. He was happy though. Also, got my little boy a swimsuit with Raa Raa on. He was so excited and just kept roaring the whole time we were there, apart from the times when he was attempting to drown himself of course. 

Wyxling is back at nursery tomorrow, and I am a little bit sad about it to be honest.


----------



## AoC

Thanks for asking, Wyxie - not really!  He's got a sticker chart and did really well with the Daddy bedtimes to get his first reward, but Daddy's now away until Weds, and last night was my first solo flight and let's just say he didn't earn a sticker.  :-/  I really don't like how it affects my mood and how low I feel about it.  Never mind, we'll get there.

I hear you about hormones!  You poor thing, it's rubbish when your own body undermines you!  ((((hugs))))  Wyxling with babies sounds completely adorable, and I'm glad you had some good time with Bladelet, too.  The swimming sounds great!  Raaaaaaaa!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You are amazing taking  two swimming xxxx


----------



## Wyxie

Sorry to hear that AoC.  I completely sympathise on the different behaviour for Mummy and Daddy.  I think bad bedtimes are really difficult too, because that's the last you see of them for the day and if you end the day on such a bad note, it seems to really overshadow the good bits of the day.  Bladelet is being a complete nightmare for me and has just been getting worse for months, but absolutely fine for hubby, and OK when we're with other people generally.  I just don't seem to be able to get past about 3 in the afternoon without spending the rest of the day fighting the urge to scream at him and just put him in his cot or play pen and walk off and have a break for a bit.  He's really taxing my patience in a way that Wyxling never does.  I think that's largely because I can see how much he really enjoys winding me up and being naughty.  It's all just a big game to him, and his amusement/enjoyment really seems to be genuine.  Wyxling sometimes can be giddy/laughing when she's misbehaving but it's very obvious that she's not actually enjoying herself and is actually in quite an aroused/distressed/stressed state at the time, so it doesn't feel so hard to accept.  Bladelet is just taking great delight in making Mummy's life as hard as possible at the moment, and it's just making it so hard to have fun when no-one else is home.  Wyxling is often kicking off just as I go to get him up from his nap at the moment.  She's very unhappy and doesn't want me to get him up, she just wants us to play together, and that can be really hard to manage when Bladelet is being very difficult.  I am struggling to find patience, or a good way of dealing with him.  I may be being a little harsh, but it's really wearing me down some days.  Today, it has really warn me down.  I had such a good Wyxling day which fizzled out to a behaviour management day where she was really unhappy because Bladelet was monopolising Mummy by being naughty, even when Mummy was doing her very, very best to play with him.  He just wasn't interested and often isn't right now.

Grrrr.  I had a nice bedtime with him in the end, which was really needed after the afternoon's shenanigans, but good grief he is testing me to the limit right now.  I feel very down about the way I feel about him at times.

Time for an early night I think and try again tomorrow, hopefully with fully recharged patience.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs babe juggling both must be really difficult when you want and need to give so much. Xx


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## AoC

Thanks Wyxie.  

Last two nights he got stickers.    I sat in his room singing a medley of songs including the Bare Necessities, Winnie the Poo, We'll Gather Lilacs, My Favourite Things, Edelweiss and Where The Gentle Avon Flows....  LOL!  Then he agreed I could go and clean up the cat sick while he tried to go to sleep... and he did!  Never thought I'd be grateful to my hacking kitties....ggg  I also, to my shame, had a small red heart drawn on my left hand to remind me to use love, and a small black square drawn on my right hand to remind me not to get angry.  Sometimes I just need visual, physical reminders not to snap.  

Huge sympathies for the mummy-baiting.  He doesn't mean it - to hurt you, I mean - and he loves you, or he wouldn't want to put so much effort into baiting you.  It'll shift, and you're doing a fantastic job.  But I can certainly identify with how hard it is to stay calm.


----------



## Wyxie

To my complete, total and utter amazement, my daughter is actually letting me teach her how to read and write.  They learn some letters and phonics in pre-school, but the last week or two she's been really keen on sitting down with me and doing things like alphablocks magazine (lots of stickers) and writing letters, and spelling them out with letter cards with me helping.  Not loads, but the stuff is lying around and sometimes she'll pick something up and want to play with it.  Yesterday when I was reading to her she pointed at a word, said s-p-o-t, hmmm spot, which is the first time she's read a new word, i.e. not her name or Mummy/Daddy which she recognises.  Today she read another word she didn't know.  I'm not pushing it, because I don't want her stubborn to come out, but I can't begin to explain how ridiculously over-emotional this makes me.  Teaching my kids to read is one of those things that was really important to me about being a Mum.  I love books, I love reading, I love writing.  I am very proud of my Wyxling.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

OMG she's amazing clever double consonant  blends at the start of words are really hard for young kids.


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## GERTIE179

What clever cookie and one very proud mummy x


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## Sq9

Well done wyxling. All your amazing patience and hard work is paying off wyxie   x


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## AoC

Oh well done both!  Can completely identify with how emotional that would be.


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## crazyspaniel

Lovely Wyxie x
Ds was never keen but now I have to tell him to put down his book and go to sleep most nights!
Dd recognises the letters at the start of all the family's names and will point to them when we're out and about  
Maybe there's a link between lack of emotional regulation and advanced cognitive abilities    !!


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## Handstitchedmum

crazyspaniel said:


> Maybe there's a link between lack of emotional regulation and advanced cognitive abilities   !!


There are many links.  It's a safe and/or only way for some kids to get praise. Staying in the 'thinking' part of the brain avoids emotions (and the better at thinking you are, the more you will do it). Ppl who have experienced neglect lack physical connections between the thinking brain and the emotion brain. Very smart ppl often have associated autistic traits. And so on.


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## Wyxie

Handstitchedmum said:


> crazyspaniel said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe there's a link between lack of emotional regulation and advanced cognitive abilities   !!
> 
> 
> 
> There are many links.  It's a safe and/or only way for some kids to get praise. Staying in the 'thinking' part of the brain avoids emotions (and the better at thinking you are, the more you will do it). Ppl who have experienced neglect lack physical connections between the thinking brain and the emotion brain. Very smart ppl often have associated autistic traits. And so on.
Click to expand...

I think you're right, but actually, this isn't Wyxling at all.

She is smart, not crazy off the scale smart, but smart enough I think, but tries to hide it and usually refuses to cooperate with anything that gets her praise. Silly things, like she can do puzzles with 50+ pieces easily, but as soon as she knows anyone is watching she will pretend she can't and do it all wrong on purpose, and then get really sulky that she "can't" do it. It's a bit odd and we've had this about loads of stuff. She used to pretend she couldn't count, and still does sometimes, she'll do it wrong on purpose. A few weeks before her second birthday when she was on her own and I was in the kitchen I heard her count 1-13 as she stomped our stairs, even now she pretends not to know 13 and always misses it out. I don't make a big deal of it, because as soon as she knows it's something that is "good" to do, she just resists, which is why I really haven't been pushing the issue of reading at all and have let her start to learn letters and sounds. If she says she can't do something or she doesn't know something I'll just accept that, and re-teach. I have often thought she has a fear of getting things wrong which stops her trying sometimes, but it's not entirely that simple.

I am, however, glad that for this one she is going along. I think the ultimate goal of being able to read to herself may well be in her mind. She absolutely loves books and easily memorises all the words in them. She will pretend to read to her toys and her brother all the time, just reciting the words she knows from memory. I'm making full use of the nursery library at the moment so that we always have stuff lying around she doesn't know by heart. Luckily, even though she knows the stories she does still love me reading them to her.

Wyxling's head is a messy and murky place a lot of the time, and I'm not sure anyone will ever really work out what's going on in there.

That brings me on to something else I meant to mention recently. To put this in context, Wyxling has been under mental health services twice now, which at the age of 3 1/2 is a pretty good achievement. At the moment we're being refused further help and she does seem in a lot of ways to be improving, but I think that the improvement is in her and us managing how she feels, rather than helping her address how she feels, because she's too young to know. I suspect we will need further help in the future. MIL got Bladelet a lovely print of a picture from a Roald Dahl book with a really nice quote for his celebration hearing. It was a lovely gift. They also got one for Wyxling because as MIL said, it just sums her up. Now I should stress that MIL doesn't believe Wyxling has any real issues and just thinks we're handing her wrong, or at least appears to, and we haven't mentioned any current problems to her, but she does know about the past problems, even if she doesn't accept them. Wyxling's has a quote from Matilda on it, which says something like "Sometimes, Matilda, I really do wonder what is going on in your head" and my initial thought was that it just wasn't appropriate really, but my husband thinks I'm just over-sensitive and I'm willing to concede he may be right. I'm interested as to what others think.

Wyxie


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## Poppets Mammy

Wow Wyxie she's doing fantastic with numbers & letters etc. and reading S.P.O.T is super clever. Good on her and well done you.

The Matilda quote is a bit bizzare, not sure what I'd make of it, I havnt made my mind up on whether it's inappropriate of not but seems like a weird present to give a small child regardless. More to the point it's a strange thing for your MIL to describe as  summing up wyxling when she won't acknowledge her emotional difficulties. It's a puzzler  

Handstichedmum - interesting info, thanks for sharing


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm in the weird camp on mil. I think it's inappropriate in the sense that it isn't a quote I would personally ever buy someone else particularly a child.  However I also know everyone's thought processes snd boundaries are different and there's a strong chance it was bought with good intentions.  Something about how special amazing and treasured she is would have been my choice personally xxxx


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## melloumaw

it depends on how you choose to take it, as a phrase from a book/film, or as a question. it is something i still say now to my middle daughter now,and have done for a long time,molly has aspergers and cant express/explain what she thinks/feels or why she is acting a certain way
if your daughter doesnt like then id remove it but if she is ok with it id leave it
mel x


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies, folks. I think in and of itself the picture is absolutely fine, but MIL will I'm sure comment on it to Wyxling at some point, probably many times, in the future, because she's just like that. She'll be proud of the gift and want to point it out to Wyxling in the future, and that it "sums her up" as she said to us. I'm sure if it's an issue for Wyxling then I can deal with it then.

Having thought about it more, it does actually offend me, because it's a very in your face way of her making light of all our daughters problems as just a personality quirk, something MIL likes to do. I think it offends me more because she _has_ a daughter with some serious mental health issues, which for a long time were not obvious to anyone accept the people who spent a lot of time with her, and found it very upsetting and frustrating when friends and acquaintances failed to understand how ill her daughter is. I have often been tempted to make the comparison to her, but I know her response would be that it is totally different, because her daughter has a diagnosed mental health condition, and to her mind, our daughter doesn't. She doesn't seem to understand attachment and attachment disorders, or the long term effect of early trauma and neglect on brain development.


----------



## Wyxie

Wyxling's life story work is pretty bad, and even Bladelet's, which is OKish, is probably suitable for at minimum 6 or 7 years old.

I've just redone Wyxling's.  I was going to do it with just a few words and photos, but decided actually that's a bit too simple, and I wanted to sort of "script" what I'd say to her about the photos.  I redid it to 4 laminate A4 sheets, with 2-3 photos and 2-3 short (some only one sentence, some three or four) paragraphs per page.  MIL, say what I will about her at times and I do, very helpfully printed and laminated it for me and sent it to me pretty much straight away as I can't do that here, and I looked at it with Wyxling for the first time today.  She responded so much better than she has to her very long and complicated life story work her SW prepared.  She looked at it with me, and it lead into her own photo albums (she has two I did for her, one for each year of her time with us) really nicely.  It covers the past but finishes with the emphasis on going forwards.  It's quite simple and not too emotional, but she was interested, asked a few questions, and really enjoyed looking at her own photo books for a good 15 minutes or so afterwards.  

I'm going to do Bladelet's next, which will be simpler, probably only 3 pages I think.  (Edited: Actually, possibly not simpler, as while he didn't have time with birth family, I will say something about Wyxling and her being with us already, so probably about as long). 

Quite pleased with myself about that one, and really pleased Wyxling dealt with looking at it quite well, and we didn't have a major melt this afternoon.


----------



## Wyxie

Bloody hell I have made a complete mess of things with Wyxling today, and she's been a contrary difficult nightmare for the last few days, which added to Bladelet's general naughtiness, has made me irritable to the point of complete toddler intolerance and resulted in the mother of all behaviour crashes today.  I completely lost it with her this afternoon when she just wouldn't stop hitting me because she wasn't getting her own way, and I didn't want to put Bladelet (currently poorly and teething and very much wanting Mummy) down to deal with it.  Results not good for both babies.

Feeling pretty awful.  I know we all screw up at times, but I don't often do it quite that spectacularly, and Wyxling was clearly very,very upset and scared by her crazy shouting irrational Mummy telling her how horrible she was being.  Bladelet is a lot more chilled overall, but had a pretty miserable day.  Nothing I can do really to make myself feel better, or Wyxling either.  I normally manage to separate behaviour and child very well, but really did lay into her today, and it was quite clear that I made her feel pretty horrible, and not in a way that is likely to produce any improvement in behaviour.  Knowing Wyxling as I do, this is going to take a long time to recover from.

I just want to cry.


----------



## Sq9




----------



## GERTIE179




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## Flash123

Wish I could say something helpful and full of insight but I can't so I'm sending you these instead x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Huge hugs xxxx


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## gettina

Hope today was better.

No parent is perfect.

Xx


----------



## Wyxie

Thanks folks for the replies, and virtual hugs.  

Well, the world didn't end, but I do still feel pretty rubbish about being so hard on Wyxling, whether most would say she deserved it or not.  I have been a much calmer and more rational Mummy since, and we seem to have what passes for the status quo around here back.

There's a lot going on in Wyxieland at the moment which I would like to write about in detail, but with several very different significant events competing for my undivided attention in my little brain, I don't seem able to properly focus on any of them well enough to think and therefore write my way through them.  Partly due to tiredness no doubt, as we've had a couple of pretty bad nights sleep with Bladelet.  I have therefore decided to tackle the smaller and more immediately pressing issues today, predominantly that Bladelet has chicken pox and is tired and grumpy, and Wyxling has been both bored because of being largely confined, and twitchy, and upset that a trip she had been really looking forward to had to be cancelled (toddler day at the space centre).

A brief update of my world this week is that Bladelet is poorly, and while this may sound callous, and I hate to see my baby suffering, it has also presented the opportunity to spend some time with him when he really does just want Mummy to cuddle him and look after him and sing to him, and I know this is important to us.  Poor little sausage just doesn't understand at all.  He hasn't been that poorly with it, however, nowhere near as ill as Wyxling was when she had it at a similar age, so while I've had them outside I've been able to keep him pretty well distracted.

Bladelet is also starting to talk at last, other than saying Mummy, Daddy and no which he's had clear for some time.  He's picking up several new words a day.

Wyxling has learned to ride her bike with no stabilizers, which has made her incredibly happy, me surprisingly emotional, and Mr Blade was just over the moon that she'd let him teach her to ride her bike and is the proudest Daddy in the world today.  She's also learned to read a couple more words and has been really receptive to me spelling words with her with flashcards, as long as they're accompanied by an amusing story to make her giggle, at meal times. 

On the subject of Mr Blade, things are up and down.  I love him to bits, but he can be so cold and abrupt/impersonal/hostile when he's stressed or upset, which I find hard to deal with as much because he doesn't recognise it at the time as because he's like that.  We go through a period of a month or more where things are relatively normal, then something will happen and it's like a switch has been flicked and nothing I do seems to get through the barrier he's put up.  I have been trying to build up the courage to have a discussion with him about this for a while, because I do think he could benefit from some sort of support, and when I finally did voice my suspicions I was quite surprised that he very calmly agreed with me that he is almost certainly on the Autistic Spectrum, and that when he becomes stressed or distressed his defence is to retreat into a very "high logic" mode of operating.  How I feel about that is quite complicated, but my initial reaction was relief that he was acknowledging that there was something going on with him, and that it wasn't just me imagining it or being over-sensitive as he has steadfastly maintained in the past.

Finally, I have to be honest and say that I really do (at some point, not now) want another child, and part of me is hoping that in three or four years time when the children are settled in school, there might be another sibling come along.

Had some great time with the kids this week at times.

Knackered.

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well done for broaching such a potentially difficult topic with dh. I'm a big believer that naming the elephant in the room can make life a lot simpler xx


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## Wyxie

To be honest, I didn't really intend to broach the subject of some of the recent problems we've had by mentioning autism, it just kind of happened.  It's only something I've wondered about more recently, when I've been trying to get him to have more empathy with the kids when they're distressed about things that he views as irrational and/or unimportant.  The frustration I've felt in trying to get him to understand that empathy is exactly that; showing sympathy for a view point you do not share, has been really difficult.  In that context it does make more sense to me that someone who is so basically good, kind, and loving, can sometimes seem to be quite callous in how he speaks and behaves despite being able to see how much it upsets me.  He also finds my emotional level quite difficult to understand, and often views me as being quite manipulative, which I don't think I am in our relationship, because he simply doesn't seem to be able to understand that I go in completely the other direction at times of high stress and often become less rational.

I should point out that we do have a very good relationship most of the time, and that these periods of him really withdrawing are normally relatively short.  I don't think our relationship is in any danger and he's absolutely committed to me and the kids.

Knackered, and had a great, if a bit bumpy at times, day with hubby and the kids and a visit to see my parents and Gran.  Just looking through some (professional) photos we had taken recently and picking out which ones I want to get.  I'm sure every Mum thinks this, but really, when they're happy and relaxed, my kids are absolutely beautiful, both of them.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm sure they are I know my two are gorgeous xxx


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## Wyxie

I am feeling weirdly calm about life at the moment.  Things are not perfect, tiny can be more troublesome that you would believe is possible, even for a toddler, Wyxling is both troubled and troublesome at times, and at times things in our house are anything but calm and collected.  I, however, am feeling relatively stress free, calm and enjoying life quite a bit.

Bladelet is definitely learning to talk, and working out all sorts of things.  He's finally really enjoying being read to as well, and has been sitting for about 20 minutes or so each morning while I read him stories, which is absolutely my favourite Bladelet time of the day at the moment.  Wyxling is learning to do all sorts of things.  Hubby got her a new bike after she learned to ride her old one, which was a little small for her.  The new one is a little too big for her which makes starting and stopping tricky - she can just barely get her toes on the floor - but she's just about got it cracked.  Once she's on and going she's fine, so I said she could ride it to nursery tomorrow.  She's very excited.  She's also still very happily making progress with reading and writing, the latter largely driven by nursery.  

I've sorted out who her new nursery teacher will be in the new school year with their agreement.  Wyxling has always been at the very best wary of men, and although that has lessened it's still definitely there.  There's a male teacher at nursery who she really likes and he's fantastic with her, and so they and we think that having him for a teacher will both help her with her relationship with men, and help prepare her for the fact that when she goes to school, she will at some point inevitably have male teachers, and that's OK.

I'm debating some nursery time for Bladelet in September, but there's no way it could be at pre-school as he's simply too babyish, so I'm looking into options at the moment.  Part of me thinks it's a good idea, another part isn't so sure.

Hubby is doing pretty well at the moment.  

Wyxling is coping well enough with disruptions that I'm actually getting to see people again without it simply being too stressful for all.  We had a lovely visit today from my best friend who lives some distance away and has finally after a lot of heart ache managed to have a baby a few months ago.  The kids love seeing her baby and are both very good with him, given their ages.

It occurred to be recently, that the last few times I've heard about friends having babies, I really have just been genuinely pleased for them, liked meeting the baby, and enjoyed spending time with them.  Recently a friend told me she was expecting a girl, and it really upset me.  It occurred to me that all the babies that haven't bothered me have been boys and I think there's a part of me that still wants a baby girl very, very much.  I definitely don't want a biological child, however, and certainly am not secretly hoping that might happen.  Really, I am hoping that in a few years b/m might have another girl once ours are settled in school, but Hubby is dead against another so maybe it would be best if that didn't happen and we didn't have to talk about it.

Ho hum, for now, enjoying life while I can.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad you're enjoying being out and about more.  It's a strange one wanting to expand the family.  My dh is totally against it too. I understand his reasons so we probably won't but there's a big part of me that would love to xxxx


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## Handstitchedmum

I love reading your updates but especially love hearing how Wyxling is growing up. Xx  Developing a theory of mind must be a challenging period for an adoptive child. Wyxling is so bright, I hope these new challenges give her even more resources to repair her early experiences.  I wonder if becoming a big sister in the future will be another one of those positive challenges?

We have just had a new baby join our (wider) family, so I know those mixed feelings very well.


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## AoC

Have I mentioned lately how awesome I think you are?


----------



## Wyxie

That's very kind, thank you.

Had a further meeting with post adoption support today, and definitely the last.  It has to be said, I am feeling somewhat less calm and happy today than yesterday.


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## AoC

((((((hugs))))))


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs I have to say that post placement support seems fairly brief and fleeting for most that manage to get anything from it. Xxx


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## Wyxie

Essentially, the upshot of the meeting, is that he doesn't think Wyxling has any problems which need help, they won't offer more theraplay or other help for Wyxling.  He feels that Wyxling's behaviour isn't controlling, but needy - she is very needy of course, and I've said that to him several times, and I am sure that's the source of at least some of the control issues, but she has extremely controlling behaviours.  He suggested that Wyxling's behaviour issues (which she doesn't have) are down to my perceptions and anxieties, and that I should seek counselling.  He has never met my daughter, and seen me with Bladelet twice.

I was trying to play a little with Bladelet while having this conversation, and he was basically being pretty good, but starting to get a little giddy and I was reigning him in a bit.  He then proceeded to tear apart my parenting of Bladelet, in front of Bladelet, and said I was too hung up on the little things and said that I needed to try and ignore some of my children's behaviour, which of course I do and I'd even discussed this with him previously.  However I am not going to ignore my son repeatedly running full speed head first into a window.

He then told me I was paranoid about my children's behaviour being directed at me personally and that I needed to relax.

He also really slated the life story work I did recently for Wyxling because it was "too complicated", and said all she needs to know at this age is that she hasn't always lived here, and that four (mostly photo) pages was far too complicated and may be useful when she's six or seven but by then she could use the life story work they'd provided (30+ pages of badly written text with a handful of photos).  

The reason it irritated me more than anything else, is that I am really relaxed and calm with my kids even when they're behaving horrendously, because I know how much kids pick up on anxiety and stress, and I use a variety of meditation type techniques to keep breathing, heartbeat, pace and tone under control.  I almost never get stressed/shout etc.  I'm not saying I always do well with them, because no parent does, but it's something I really do understand and make a huge effort to control - it would not be hard to be extremely stressed and anxious with my children and it wouldn't be a good thing I'm sure.

But, at the same time, I really didn't need the self-esteem hit having a jackass like that in my house telling me essentially that I don't know what I'm doing and that there are no problems, and if there are problems they're down to me.  He spoke to me like the SWs I used to work with often talked to parents who drank, smoked, took drugs, and generally neglected their kids, and seemed to be intent on judging.  I really wish I hadn't got in contact.  Even though 90% of me says he's an idiot, there's a part of me that doubts myself, and another part of me that just feels rubbish because a stranger has come into our house and judged my parenting, which is what he has done, and decided that I am the source of any problems my children have.

Just feeling really utterly flat.  I would like to say something, but it's an argument I can't win, and I don't need to have the conversation again.  I am sincerely wishing I hadn't contacted them.

In other news we went to the in-laws for the weekend.  Bladelet really struggled from when he saw me packing on Friday morning and was incredibly distressed the first night we were there, just sobbing and clinging to me.  MIL was far too overpowering for him, and stepping over the line constantly with Wyxling, but Wyxling enjoyed herself with the undivided attention of far too many adults for far too much of the time, and Bladelet enjoyed himself some of the time.  We went to a massive swim/water park type place with loads of slides, sprays, foaming, waves, rapids etc which Wyxling absolutely loved and Bladelet warmed to, which was really nice.  Wyxling had such a lovely time it really bodes well for our trip to Centre Parcs in the summer holidays.  After effects of the trip haven't been too severe given we seem to be heading for a bit of a downturn at the moment anyway - kind of expected as term is about to end.  Wyxling will do absolutely nothing I ask her and is being rude and whiney, which came to a head when she was told she couldn't ride her bike to nursery this morning, and behaviour was pretty horrendous at that point.  Hubby had today off work so I could deal with it fairly easily.  I am hoping we're over the worst of it and things will start to even out again at some point soon.

In really really other news, I have succumbed to loom bands and am finding it a bizarrely therapeutic hobby.  God knows what I'm going to do with all the crap I am creating.

Hope everyone is well,

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

What an idiot he is - fiters won't let me say anything stronger.  Please try not to doubt yourself you are doing a wonderful job.  Money is the issue here not your parenting they are only interested in being able to sign off quick fixes xxxxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Whoa. I think he has forgotten the very basic principle of 'support'. How awful.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So sorry you've had such an awful experience. It beggars belief   Never doubt yourself, you are amazing   Certain so called professionals on the other hand are totally idiotic and bang out of order   Hugs to you xxx


----------



## gettina

I loved reading your earlier post and am gutted this man has brought you back down to earth with a bump.
Hope you can quite quickly move on from what he said, what with him not knowing what he's talking about, but I'm so sorry that avenue of possible help is closed off to you now - for now - after all if you were to try again in a year say, be may no longer be there.

Sending hugs and, as ever, admiration of your superb, patient, calm and creative parenting.

Gettina x


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## AoC

Well. He was a pointless tosspot, wasn't he? (And I bet FF won't let me say that....)

Deep breaths. You've got this, Wyxie, your children are safe, loved, healing and growing in your care.

I've seen these folk mentioned here and there, very positively. Any chance they might have something to offer you? http://theopennest.co.uk/ 
Don't reward his impressively comprehensive  hattery with letting him make you relinquish one iota of your hard-earned and well-deserved confidence and sense of worth.

Pah.


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## Wyxie

Today has been taxing, and I am tired, and hoping tomorrow will be better.  In general, I am really enjoying having Wyxling at home for the summer holidays, and we've had two pretty good weeks.  We are managing behaviour on the whole, and have had a lot of good time together.  Bladelet is finding it difficult at times, and is clearly playing me up in a big way, which is proving tough, because often I have no choice but to put him in his cot or high chair so he doesn't break stuff/hurt himself, but then he is very screaming unhappy.  It is also incredibly hard work.  Wyxling even at her best still can't really give me a moment's peace.  On the whole, I have stayed calm when they're misbehaving, and we're having a reasonable summer hols so far; I'm having quite a nice, if quite a hard work, time with both kids and we've been out and done lots of fun things.  The weather has definitely helped.  

Today, however, has been taxing.  Bladelet has been troublesome, even more than usual at the moment, and Wyxling has been incredibly difficult and completely defiant about just about everything.  Things didn't completely fall apart and we managed to avoid any seriously destruction or hurt from her, but it has been tough day of fighting tantrums and biting from the one, wee, poo, continual lying and general hyperactivity from the other, and stubborn defiance from both.  I am almost certain that they got up this morning and decided to have a competition as to who could behave the most revoltingly, and I'm honestly not sure which one won.  Anyway, this day of interesting new ways to try and wind Mummy up was, I think, how I ended up in a conversation with my daughter this afternoon about accidents, or more specifically, how Mummy doesn't quite see how wiping your backside on the towel and covering it (and then the bath mat and outside of toilet when dropping it on the floor) in poo can be achieved by accident.  My daughter, however, was adamant, and stood there with a very straight serious face, quite indignant at being accused of lying, and stuck to her guns, and honestly all I can do at that stage is laugh or cry, so I laughed.  Sometimes, that's the best way of dealing with Wyxling's ridiculous behaviour, and actually it does tend to hugely improve her mood and I got an unprompted apology later on, which is very rare.

Wyxling was calm and cuddly by bedtime, Bladelet was asleep and so hopefully (although I haven't yet checked) hasn't taken his nappy off to have a wee all over his bedding before going to sleep in it, and I have a glass of wine and my beautiful beastie cat has been schmoozing round me all evening being super-affectionate.  Tomorrow is another day and hopefully one filled with happier babies, and altogether less biting and bodily fluids in places they shouldn't be.

We have actually had a very eventful few weeks, which oddly for me is why I haven't said too much, because I seem to need some considerable time to process just now, and I'm not always feeling like I have the energy to do so.  I know in the longer term that's not good for me, but just now, flibble, I shall bury my head in the sand.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

The accident thing is interesting.  My eldest often says didn't mean to regarding negative behaviours.  I do say you choose to do it so you did mean to not in a cross way but because I  want her to understand the difference long term however she doesn't like it as a response.  Often wonder what those words mean to her do they simply mean Pele are less cross / consequences are less if I say this.  Our does she understand and is trying to use the understanding purposefully to shift blame. Sorry you've had a tough day xxx


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## Keeping busy

Sounds like you handled a hugely difficult day amazingly well. Sounds like Wyxling apologising spontaneously is progress. Really hope your children wake up in a better mood this morning and today is easier.


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## Flash123

I find that on certain days that 'head burying' is the most perfect solution to any problem. I sincerly Hope it helps. 

I am currently reading Bryan Post's book - from fear to love. I'm not sure i have fully understood all his concepts and ideas yet so I'm going to re-read it but he believes (I think) that when children who have suffered trauma (which lets be honest sadly all of our lo have, it's just the severity that differs) lie they truly believe what they are saying has happened really did occur. As a survival method from early trauma and as a way to avoid in built fear that certain part of the brain can convince them that events were real.

I'm not sure i have made any sense there at all  
But I wondered what you thought about it, I'm not sure really that all childhood lying comes from a place of fear I think control also has a certain part to play.

I hope today is better lovely lady xx


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## Sq9

Hope you've had a better day today


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## Wyxie

As the results of yesterdays "who can misbehave the most" competition were inconclusive, the kids apparently decided that today, they would have a rematch.

It's Bladelet's birthday tomorrow and presents are bought and wrapped, cards are written, including one from Wyxling which she wrote really well with a little help from me in spelling her brother's name and writing a couple of the letters she's less familiar with.  Weather is looking rubbish, sadly, so most of the things I'd thought about doing are out, but hubby has agreed to take the day off work and spend it with us, so maybe we'll risk soft play despite how busy it'll be.

Re the lying, I'm not entirely sure of how to handle it.  I have been going with just a gentle but firm correction, no, that's a fib, it's not nice to fib, let's just say things that are true.  However as mentioned she will then get very indignant and start trying to pick an argument.  I try not to get into it otherwise it gets silly because it doesn't matter what I say, she will keep insisting that what she is saying is true, even when she's blatantly contradicting herself.  She lies so much of the time about so many different things, and I don't seem to have had any success in making any sort of a dint in this.  I am trying to gently tackle the issue at the moment as she's at home for the summer and it's becoming more of a problem but the more I try the worse her mood gets and the worse her behaviour gets overall and we're walking quite a fine line at the moment.  Who knows, I will think about it more next week.  Got to tackle the birthday related jealousy and problems over new toys that tomorrow is going to throw up first!

Hope everyone is well, thanks for the replies, I am struggling a little with calm the last couple of days, and I haven't really for a couple of weeks, but hopefully after the weekend I'll find it easier again.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## AoC

Happy Birthday Bladelet, I hope you and your Mummy, Daddy and Big Sister have a lovely day.

Hugs, Wyxie.  Not sure what to suggest.  When Bug starts getting into an argumentative cycle, I have started to say, "no, I've given you my answer," or "I'm not going to change what I'm saying," and then "I'm not going to talk with you about this anymore."  It sounds really harsh, so I make sure I deliver it veeeery gently and lovingly, then immediately offer a suitably fun distraction.  I thought he might find it enraging, but he seems to find it calming as it means he can abandon a losing argument without losing face.

I wonder if it's a "will you believe me when the chips are down?" type test?  If it is, and if we accept that to young kids the lies they say can feel really real to them, even if they know they're saying something false, then maybe validation and empathy are called for?  "I know that's how it seems to you, and that must make you feel really xxx.  I'm sorry you feel that way.  But I don't think it's what really happened, so we need to do x."

Since she obviously knows what lying is and that it's not a good thing, maybe she doesn't need the repetition of the fibs stuff?  Maybe she needs to be called on it in a way that says to her, "I hear you.  I recognise your feelings.  But the reality is different" rather than in a way that says, "you're wrong, aren't you?" and invites an argument.

Wyxie, love, I'm just thinking out loud here, really.  Truth is, you have way more of the answers than I do, but sometimes brainstorming helps you get to them?  It does for me, anyway.

Much love, and support, and hugs.  You're doing a great job.


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## Wyxie

To my immense relief, I have been excused from Jury Service.  I had a summons about 2 weeks ago for jury service in September, which could just have been a huge set back (not to mention expense) for our family when we seem to be going the right way at the moment.

My Granddad is pretty seriously ill.  He's been not that well for a while with various different things, and is now very not well.  Basically, he's old and everything is just wearing out at once.  He's also a stubborn old sod with no faith in the medical profession for various reasons which means he hasn't been getting the medical treatment he should have been for some time.  At least now he's stuck in bed other people are responsible for his care and he's getting the best care he can.  I know he won't be around for much longer, and I wish we were closer to him so I could see him more.

Bladelet is so very firmly into terrible twos and tantrums.  It also highlights to me how different what we experienced with Wyxling was.  I can see why people could think it was normal toddler behaviour from a description, but it's so very different.  Hubby and I were talking today and we have agreed that at least dealing with Wyxling has made coping with Bladelet's toddlerisms a lot easier.  He had a massive tantrum today over taking turns opening flaps in a book and both of us were crying with our attempts not to laugh at him.  I'm not saying it's all great mind you, but it does give a certain perspective to behaviour that I'm sure otherwise would have been extremely frustrating for me.

Bladelet had a good birthday.  We have had some issues with Wyxling but not as serious as expected.  Tomorrow is my birthday and hubby had today and tomorrow off.  We went blackberry picking this morning, hubby spent an hour or so playing some great fun logic games on the PC with Wyxling who was delighted and soaked up information like a sponge (while Bladelet and I both got some much needed sleep), and I took the kids out to the park this afternoon and made the most of the perfect (for us) weather - sunny, windy, gorgeous day with just enough occasional showers to keep most people at home while hubby got some much needed sleep and cleaned the bathroom.  

I am wussing out on the lying issue at the moment, and just not getting into an argument with her.  No matter how I say that what she's saying is not true, she will argue that black is blue, but I think this is the wrong time to tackle it so I'm just making sure she knows that I know she's not telling the truth, and not saying anything else about it.  Thanks everyone for your suggestions and I shall have another think about it in a month or so!

Hope everyone is well,

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Happy birthday hun xxxx


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## Sq9

Happy birthday wyxie   Xx


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## GERTIE179

Happy Belated Birthday - hope you had a nice day x x


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## AoC

Happy Belated Birthday!

I don't think avoiding confrontation on an issue she may just be doing to get confrontation is wussing out - it sounds wise to me!


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## Guest

Hi it's really nice to read your adoption diary   Me & my DH were talking about it yesterday, but not ready yet. Thanks for your very helpful writing! By the way, I read your most recent page and saw that I have the same birthday as you! 

Best wishes


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## Wyxie

Oh Gods, we've completely fallen off a cliff.  Wyxling has just gone totally off the wall.  I had a lovely birthday, really beautiful day with Wyxling, Bladelet and Hubby.  Wyxling pushes the boundaries and defies constantly, but so far this holiday with calmness and very clear choices in terms of behaviour and consequences, we have been managing that, and still being able to have very good time although she is utterly exhausting and never gives me or Bladelet a moment's peace.  The following morning it just all went.  Both kids were a total nightmare Thursday and Friday, but of course Wyxling is incredibly hard to manage now given her size and strength.  At the weekend we picked things up and they were both OK, and utterly delightful yesterday when we had a bit of a boring day, and went to see my Granddad with a few other relatives there.  This morning they woke up a nightmare.  Bladelet was hitting and kicking and biting me before I'd even got him dressed, he was OK until Wyxling came in the room, and then even though I was still giving him almost all my attention, he was just trying to hurt me and get away to throw stuff around and grab everything he shouldn't have.  I understand why this might be, but this is what he's like most of the time at the moment when my husband is not at home.  When hubby is hear, he's comparatively very good for a toddler.

Wyxling then went and was really agitated and just saying "no" to everything.  Completely defying me, wouldn't leave Bladelet alone for a second, she winds him up to a massively hyper state and just laughs when he hurts her, and clearly I try to stop her because at other times she doesn't like it when he hurts her, and he is getting very confusing messages.  She was having none of it, and just a complete "no" I won't do anything and don't care about the consequences.  Then of course she does care about the consequences but being Wyxling she doesn't have a tantrum, she goes into a downward behaviour cycle where she does everything she can to harm and break things.  I snapped and screamed at her, completely terrible parenting I know, and the two of them were just running round laughing and throwing all of their and my stuff around, tipping all the furniture over, climbing furniture and jumping off it.  I finally, two hours after planned, got them out the house for a brief walk which Bladelet really didn't enjoy.  This afternoon it just all fell over again.  Wyxling said she can go out and see other people and will choose someone new to live with, she's lived with us for long enough now.  She wants a new Mummy and Daddy.  She has been so much more affectionate and even told us she loved us recently, and she just upset me so much that I let things get totally out of control and in the five minutes or so I walked away for Wyxling, and Bladelet with a lot of Wyxling's encouragement, emptied most of the contents of Wyxling's room, furniture included if they could lift it, and chucked it down the stairs.  Wyxling spent at least 3 hours in a massively disregulated/agitated state while I tried to sort out the aftermath and Bladelet spent almost all of it in the cot, because whenever I got him out he was either biting me or Wyxling, or throwing stuff around faster than I could collect it all up.

I really did go over the top with Wyxling this morning.  I told her she was being horrible to me, and that Mummy didn't want to spend all day at home with someone who was always fighting about absolutely everything.  Everything's a battle, teeth, dressing, clothes, food, we get there, and it's a polite battle, but it's constant, she can't give up control on anything without making a point and making it hard.  Everything takes twice as long as it should.  All I want to do is play with them.  I said that Mummy felt like she might as well go back to work and that maybe if I wasn't here all the time, they would like seeing me enough to be nice to me.  When I say I said it, I mean I screamed it at Wyxling, and I'm normally so calm with her that I'm sure it really threw her.  I feel awful, I just want to undo the day and try again, I just want some help for my children.

Post adoption support will still only offer support for me and someone to "offload" on.  I don't want a Social Worker to "offload" on, I want them to offer some proper help for our daughter, and someone who genuinely understands that this isn't just me being a bit wobbly, it's a child with a real problem.  All I get when I speak to them is "you're clearly struggling to cope, some help for you must be of benefit" and no matter how many times I repeat the same thing, I don't ring them because I'm struggling to cope, I ring them because I have a child with some serious problems who I need help for.  Yes, there are days when I really struggle, but someone whose job it is to be offloaded on and feign some sort of sympathy while offering useless suggestions and never actually meeting my child or gaining any understanding of what is going on here, is not what I need.

I just don't know what to do.  But of course I'll do what I always do, pick up again tomorrow and try again.  Normally I can make myself feel positive about it but tonight I just can't.  If it was anything else making me feel like this I would just crawl into bed and say I'm not getting up in the morning, I just can't do this any more.  I want someone to come along and say yes, they will help us to help Wyxling, and as a result Bladelet, because things are so very, very not right, not normal, not part of a toddler phase, just not OK.

I just feel so completely desperate at the moment.  I can't understand why we can't get her for our clearly troubled little girl.  It doesn't make any sense to me at all.  I have no idea where to go next.  HV and post adoption support have both drawn a blank, and they won't get a community paediatric assessment because she's bright and exceeding development milestones.  Just feeling so completely lost.  I've been sat here all evening crying and trying to work out what to do next.  I can't accept that there isn't anywhere I can go for help.

I just can't being to describe how much it hurt when she said quite calmly that she wanted to move now, and that she was good for other people but not us because she didn't want to live here any more, she wanted to choose somewhere new to live.  She is choosing to be naughty for Mummy because she wants to choose a new Mummy.  I know I am going to need to learn to have a thicker skin with Wyxling, but I just love her so completely and right now all I can do is cry.  That hurts so much more than all the times she or Bladelet has actually physically hurt me.  I want my little girl to be all mine and the rest of the world to disappear.  I can't even begin to tackle what's going on with Bladelet right now and that's a ticking time bomb too and I know that he's really suffering during the school holidays and that his complete Mummy defiance is almost certainly in large part in response to Wyxling.

I am out of answers, and running out of energy, and everything just feels so hopeless right now.  I have no idea what to do next.


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## Handstitchedmum

Oh Wyxie   
I wish I could drop everything and just be there for you, as it sounds like you really need someone physically present to diffuse the situation and fight in your corner to get help for Wyxling and Bladelet. 

Have you tried recording some of this behaviour? It may help both for your own reflection but also to convince other people that your children need help.


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## GERTIE179

Huge hugs. I echo HSM and really wish I could give you some real morale support.  I like HSM's ideas. Was there anything from the Theraplay therapist that may help support that Wxyling still needs help/input?


What about turning the SW advice on its head - say what they want to hear to a point - but say your family is struggling and what support can they offer your family?? I've never looked into it but AUK forum praise Catchpoint in Bristol and Family Futures in looking at all needs.


Are you getting any Financial support? If not would putting in a request for AA (due to the kids needs you cannot work even PT). I wonder if this would be the thing that makes the placing LA sit up and take notice. Whilst they don't need to honour your request, they may suddenly have a change of tune of supporting other therapies that you did think would be worthwhile? Maybe even financing a few hours a week for Bladelet at nursery for 121 time with Wxyling? Not sure if you think that would work but even just a few hours where you and Wxyling can connect may help with the tough times.


X x x


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## becs40

Oh Wyxie I'm so sorry. I've read all your posts and am full of complete admiration for you and so angry on your behalf that you can't get the help for your daughter. 
I'm yet to adopt so can offer no words of wisdom although it's clearly practical support that's required and not empty platitudes.
I'm sure you will have seen this but thought I'd mention it just in case you havent,
The open nest? http://theopennest.co.uk
Not sure if they would be able to help at all.


/links


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## Keeping busy

Oh Wyxie, sending big big  . I find it very scary that you can't get the support you need. What area of the country do you live in? I just found some information on the Coram website about a pilot they are running providing post adoption support for families who haven't adopted through them http://www.coram.org.uk/adoption/our-post-adoption-support

/links


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## Poppets Mammy

Oh Wyxie   we are all here for you, wished there was more we could do than offer words of support. I really want to go to your SW office and give them all a shake. Have you gone to the GP about Wxyling? Perhaps he can refer her for an assessment of some sort with a child mental health service who may be able to recognise her attachment difficulties and know of a service they can refer her to within their remit. There has got to be a service for young children going through what wyxling is some where out there, it's just finding it. You might get more joy going down a non-adoption route (i.e. a child service for all kids regardless of if they are adopted or not). Or I'd be writing to all the big adoption charities Banardos, action for children, adoption uk etc and asking them for help. They might be able to refer you to someone. 
Your SW team sound like a bunch of numpties so if I were you I'd stop wasting my time on them and try looking at other agencies/options. You might well get a lot of 'sorry we can't help' but someone somewhere will open their arms to you and get you the help you need. 
What area do you live in? Xx


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## Wyxie

Thank you, everyone, for the support and replies and messages, which I'm sorry I haven't replied to today but I am just too tired.  Had a dreadful night's sleep last night and am just too tired to think more than that.  I was just so upset, hubby was good with me last night, but not great with the kids last night or today.  Today has been tough mostly because of how tired I was.  Wyxling came in the bedroom this morning and said "Sorry Mummy, I love you."  That's not like Wyxling at all.  She's been really hard work, controlling, and threatening to disregulate all day, and it's been a battle to keep the kids from getting into really over-excited disregulating "play", but we got through the day and no major blow ups.  Hoping for a better night's sleep.  I am looking into alternate options for play therapy and we are trying to work out if we could fund it ourselves, or any other options for help from anywhere.  We're in Derbyshire and they're the LA that placed the children, so they're responsible for post adoption support.  Not an agency I would recommend anyone using, incidentally.  Their Children's SS were dreadful when I had contact with them through work, and continue to be dreadful now.  Our assessing agency who were great now have no involvement with us because we don't live in their area and we didn't have their children placed, so other than attending training courses (which I have done and a couple of them have been really good) they can no longer help us.

Anyway, sleep needed, sorry no personals, just knackered and thinking one day at a time this week.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## GERTIE179

Just an idea but would your assessing Agency do your needs assessment - ours did but placing agency are financially responsible. If they are a better agency then they may help pin point what services they know of nearby & options/solutions.

X


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## Keeping busy

Wyxie I really hope you get a better nights sleep tonight. I think (my geography is rubbish) Derby is in the east Midlands.  If so you can get post adoption support through the pilot Corum are running for people who didn't adopt through them. Might be worth a phone call or email. Looks like they offer art therapy xxx


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## AoC

I'm crying for you, dearest. I wish I could give you these hugs in person.

Okay, sensible steps. Have you called these people? http://theopennest.co.uk/support-services#contact What do you have to lose for a phone conversation? It's worth a try, surely? If they can't help or aren't suitable, they may have helpful ideas. Be honest and open with them - they're independent, which is what attracts me. (LOL, I wrote this before I saw that becs had been there before me! Thought I'd leave it in as a double recommendation. 

I think Gertie has a good point about playing the system and saying you're struggling to cope? Perhaps that will access more help? I also think the idea of applying for AA, because offering you a decent post adoption support package will be seen as the easier option to that... worth a try?

I'm troubled by the fact that you can't get a paediatric assessment because she's developing well. I work in the NHS (not clinical) and sometimes the internal insight can help me navigate the system... If you'd like me to dig and find out if there's another way into this, or another suitable local service and what the referral criteria are, please don't hesitate to PM me. I can always be cheeky and say I'm collecting information on services to support a local service development we're commissioning. 

"She is choosing to be naughty for Mummy because she wants to choose a new Mummy." I don't see it this way, although I probably would if I were in your shoes. No, she's preparing herself and protecting herself for what she sees as inevitable - that soon, because she is a 'bad child' you will want to give her away. Horrible, isn't it? I think sometimes that celebrations set this off in adopted kids, because there's a cluster of adults and activity and, for some, final contacts and goodbye parties, which means for a long time they associate that kind of thing with moves.

She misbehaves with you, and only with you, ultimately because she loves you. And I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a watershed for you all, and that when she moves through this and sees that she's staying, and that you love her, and you have no intention of giving up on her, then things will start to improve.

And hon, that you still see screaming at the kids as an unacceptable and unusual aberration is a miracle in itself. Cut yourself some slack. There are many disruptions, some for much less provovation than you face on a daily basis, which prove that you are a triumph of dedication, grit, and love.

More hugs.

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## Sq9

. So wish we had a magic wand to wave for you to get the help you need.  Some very good advice already been given and I hope it leads to the help you and your family need.  You're amazing


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## Wyxie

Thanks again for the links.  I've been slowly making my way through a list of people to contact this week.  Sadly, Coram cover Nottinghamshire and we're a couple of miles outside their border.  Also been trying to get in touch with local play therapists which is somewhat harder than you may imagine!

I'm just making a list of stuff to do, and doing what I can when I can.  It'll be easier once Wyxling is back in nursery.

We seem to have evened out quite a bit this week with Wyxling.  I thought we were going to fall off a cliff again this morning when she responded to something she didn't want to hear by attempting to break the cats scratching post and climbing onto the piano, but she seems to be back in a place where she can listen to and make choices about behaviour in order to avoid consequences she doesn't like or get things she does.  Her yo-yoing from total defiance to completely normal really delightful play when she makes her mind up that actually she's going to do what Mummy wants is weird, but welcome given what a complete total and utter little **** Bladelet has been the last couple of days.

We're coping, and actually getting some good time despite Bladelet's determined attempts to make everyone miserable today, but I do worry about the longer term and what form this defiance is going to take in a few years time if we can't get it under wraps.  

Thanks, everyone, I'm just focusing on little things and looking through photos of the kids enjoying themselves, while putting off attempting to email the SW back to give him an answer on whether or not we want visits from the FSW.  

Wyxie xx


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## AoC

(((((((More hugs))))))))  Sounds like you're making sensible steps, as and when you can.  I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.


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## Wyxie

Well, after the horrendous blow ups last week, we've actually had a really good bank holiday weekend with the kids.  I've had a couple of several hour breaks from the kids, including letting the in-laws take them out yesterday morning.  We spent a couple of days at the in-laws and although MIL was annoying me a bit, and overstepping things at times, we generally had a good time and the fall out today hasn't been too bad.  In fact we've had a really nice normal family day doing nothing special, quite a bit of domestic stuff, with a few squabbles and tantrums, and lots of time to play and a very soggy trip out this afternoon (without hubby, puddles are not his thing) which ended up with Wyxling and I picking blackberries in the pouring rain and Bladelet happily jumping and splashing in the puddles.

I'm surprised that we've had as normal a weekend as we have after the start of last week being so extremely bad, but hoping that this was the worst blow up of the holidays and we can have a reasonable week this week, and a nice holiday next week.

I have been booking stuff for us to do at Center Parcs today.  I am really looking forward to the holiday, although a little bit sad that hubby says he is dreading it.  I think after this weekend maybe a bit less so, but I know he's really dubious and he didn't think the holiday was a good idea.  I'm really hoping he will be proved wrong.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Flash123

You are sounding so much more positive and back to yourself wyxie. I'm so pleased you have had a good few days. Small steps my lovely and well done. I've been thinking about you so much over the last few days.

We went to CP last year with wee man and it was lovely. It was great letting him explore and being amazed at the wild life on our door step. I don't know what type of accommodation you are in or if it is relevant but we were in a woodland lodge which is open plan. Little man was a nightmare in the kitchen area, opening all the cupboards and generally just being a right PITB. I wish we had taken a stair gate as it would have made life so much easier. 
Dh is also very reticent about trips away. He worries greatly about wee man spoiling others enjoyment with his tantrums and is generally on edge and doesnt react well when anything is just 'different'. Men eh? 
Looking forward to hearing about it. Take care x


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## Wyxie

We've been to CP before we had kids, and we had thought about the opportunities for rascalling and how problematic that's going to be.  I think we will take a stairgate, and also our travel cot.  The plan is for him to sleep in the travel cot and to use the actual cot as a play pen.

We may also take gaffa tape, just in case.

I have had the most lovely day out with my children today at the zoo, after we dropped Daddy at work this morning.  It really was an incredibly relaxing and fun day.  We went round at our own speed, stopped off to play on stuff when we fancied, and actually managed to see lots of things we haven't seen before despite having annual passes and going regularly.  We got there early and sat and had a cup of tea/snack in the cafe.  The cafe looks out on the snow leopard enclosure, and we had three magnificent cats lolling in the sunshine and grooming each other just the other side of the glass where we were sitting.  The kids were fascinated.

Wyxling really wanted to feed the lorikeets which are new at the zoo, but was quite scared when they actually came towards her.  I took them in early thinking it would be quiet, but not thinking that of course all the birds were very hungry and just mobbed us.  She didn't managed to hold the food cup so I ended up with one in each hand, and at least half a dozen birds on each arm plus two on my head!  Really incredible and the kids loved watching and came really close and even held one of the pots, but I kept the birds on me.  I took them back later when they were somewhat less voracious and she was so brave and so incredibly pleased with herself when she managed to get one of them on her hand eating the food out of the little pot.  They were really cheeky (the birds, that is, as well as my children) and stole the pot and had a squabble over it, and we spent ages just watching them and wandering round.  Meanwhile my son did lots of very big jumps to impress all the grannies, grinned cheekily, and generally got in people's way and enjoyed himself.

Wyxling is so interested in all the animals, I love her curiosity and desire for knowledge about everything.  Bladelet is also starting to get quite interested in a lot of the animals and really enjoyed it, although he was quite a naughty rascal at times!

We wandered round, the kids played together and posed for loads of photos, Wyxling stole my rucksack and was incredibly pleased with herself, and far too stubborn to give it back despite how heavy it was.  Bladelet was very tickled by this.

A goat knocked Wyxling over, and she was very upset, largely because it knocked her off the path and she knew she wasn't meant to go off the path when we were in with the animals.  Wyxling is so odd sometimes.  She can be so intentionally defiant of so many things, but some rules - usually ones impose by third parties - just seem to be sacrosanct.  She was incredibly distraught and convinced I was cross, no matter how many times I told her I wasn't at all, and I just wanted to make sure her split lip was OK, and fretted about it for ages.  When I finally managed to cheer her up and convince her it was all OK she then went back to the goat enclosure and comically told the goat off, much to the amusement of everyone else around.  Bladelet then decided to join in with lots of finger wagging and "no, no, no, no"s, and I was in stitches.  

To round the day off we were just on our way to the playground before we went home, swung past the Amur Leopards as we always do when we go past - they are beautiful but rarely out, and we haven't seen them since they had two cubs a couple of months back - and were lucky enough to see Mummy and the two beautiful cubs come out to get their dinner.  The kids were so happy to see them at last, and I could have watched them all day, they were playful and beautiful, and clumsy, just incredible.  

Both kids are tucked up in bed and I'm really hoping for a bit of a lie in tomorrow, but it was just a great day the like of which make me so happy.  Days like today when Wyxling is happy and largely relaxed, and Bladelet is happy, cheeky and stroppy, are just wonderful.  I can't begin to describe the joy I take in watching my children when they are just being children, inquisitive, curious, and delighted by normal, but also quite wonderful, childhood experiences.

And on that note, I shall brace myself for the reaction when Mummy has a morning of housework to do tomorrow, which I really can't put off any more!

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Sq9

Sounds lime you've had an amazing day.  Days like that make it all worth while


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## GERTIE179

What a wonderful sounding day out :-D


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## AoC

(((((Happy Hugs))))))


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Sounds a lovely day! We're at the zoo for the first time on Sunday, just can't wait


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## Wyxie

Hope you had a good time Lolly. 

Well, after a weekend of packing and trying to sort everything we need to sort out ready to take the kids on holiday tomorrow, we are, I think, ready.  I told Wyxling three days ago that we were going away, where we were going, and what it would involve.  She knew that we were having a holiday this year but I hadn't gone into any details about it so she hadn't really thought about things like sleeping somewhere different.

I have repeatedly reminded myself since of the wonderful piece of wisdom from a training course/seminar with Dr Margot Sunderland a few months ago, attachment, not attention.  Wyxling has been on absolute constant "base touch", even more than normal which I wasn't sure was possible some days, and it reminded me that this is pretty much what it was like all the time until about six months or so back.  Mummy look, Mummy see, Mummy can I, Mummy can you, Mummy I do this etc etc etc.  It's a pretty normal response to anxiety about something for Wyxling.  Essentially, Dr Sunderland said that children with insecure attachments can have an attachment need as often as every 20 seconds, and that these can present as attention seeking, and be incredibly wearing and annoying, but they are really reassurance seeking and need to be met as far as is possible.  I have been incredibly patient, my husband, it has to be said, has not been entirely patient but he's done better than he used to.  Wyxling has actually coped pretty well and a large part of the issue was probably due to us having a huge amount to do this weekend on top of the normal stuff which meant she didn't get the amount of direct face to face play time she seems to need.  I have kept repeating the words to myself, attachment not attention, again and again and again while trying my best to interact as much as possible, but still get stuff done.

Bladelet hasn't got a clue what's going on and has just been his usual rascally self.

Anyway, we seem to have done OK, they've been cranky and argued with each other a lot, and Wyxling has been sulky and defiant at times, nothing new there, but we're packed, they're asleep and no major issues.  I'm actually really hopeful that we'll have a nice time as it's a very child orientated holiday (Center Parcs) and there will be so much for them to do which really is right up their street.  They both tend to enjoy outdoors activities and the weather forecast while not brilliant, appears to be largely dry, which is just fine for us.  Hubby has been very clear about the fact he doesn't think a holiday will go well and that he is dreading it, which I'm finding more than a little upsetting.  I know our children, Wyxling in particular, can be difficult, but I do sometimes think he's completely unrealistic with the level of obedience, calm and decorum he expects of toddlers.  I honestly want to give him a big kick up the backside about the whole thing, but he has at least only been quite a miserable sod about it this weekend, rather than a complete total one, so I'm hoping he's coming round to the idea he could actually enjoy himself going away somewhere with me and the kids.

Hope everyone is well,

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Enjoy your holidays hun xxx


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## Norma12

Hope you have a fun holiday xx


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## Sq9

Hope you all have a fab holiday


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## Primmer

The trip to the zoo sounds fab. Hope you have a lovely holiday.


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## Wyxie

Thank you everyone.

I'm sure there will be more details at some point in the future when I've caught up, but it was actually had a pretty good holiday.  The kids were difficult at times, Wyxling in particular, and hubby struggled with them at times, but overall it was a good break with some lovely experiences for the kids and memories for us, and we had fun.  Even my husband agreed that it was much better than he had anticipated!


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## becs40

Ah so pleased to hear that Wyxie! Have been looking forward to hearing how things went.


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## Wyxie

Well, Wyxling is due to start back at pre-school tomorrow and she has been absolutely foul today, surly, whining, rude, defiant, bossy, controlling and finally completely melted down before bedtime. She is now fast asleep and I'm hoping she wakes up tomorrow feeling more her normal self and can enjoy her first morning back. In general, though, it has been so good to have her at home over the summer. I'm going to miss her like crazy and am already feeling absolutely dreadful about taking her. It's taken us so long for her to let me be Mummy, and now she's growing up and I don't want her to be away from me at all, I just want her all to myself. Of course it's not that simple and actually pre-school is good for her and the separation is good for Bladelet given how intense Wyxling is, but I didn't want to leave my baby tomorrow anyway, and seeing her so incredibly distressed this evening just heightened that. I want to go and snuggle her all up and keep her with me forever; I've already missed out on so much with Wyxling I don't want to miss more and I don't want to share her with anyone else.

In other news, I have finally managed to email back the Post Adoption Support SW to say no, thank you, we do not want regular visits from yet another SW to give us "advice", without using any four letter words. I've looked into private play therapy and it's just _so_ expensive. We may be able to fund it for a short while but it would tight and would mean cutting out every other non-essential outlay we have as a family. My husband isn't really convinced that it would help, which makes it a hard one for me to sell because of course he's the earner, not me. So I'm going to try and find ways for me to cut things out and save so that maybe in six months or so we can think about play therapy if we still think it would be useful. I'll just have to wait and see I guess, but right now it's not happening and we'll just have to muddle through as best we can.


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## Poppets Mammy

Wyxie - glad you had a good holiday at centre parcs, we went in spring and had a fantastic time, it's a great place for family holidays.

I totally understand your angst at taking Wyxling to nursery tomorrow, Poppet has only just started school last week and I'm finding it hard. Which isn't helped by the fact she's really not too sure and anxious about it all. I just dont want her to go, I want to keep her all to myself   I don't feel ready to be letting my baby go to school. It's hard going on us parents isn't it. Big hugs  

Xxx


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## AoC

Hugs, Wyxie.  What you said about missing so much of young Wyxie and not wanting to miss any more was really heartfelt.  I felt the same way about Bug, but his behaviour is so much more balanced when he's going to pre-school regularly, that the time we do spend together is far better quality and much more enjoyable.  That payoff makes the missing him manageable.


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## Flash123

Wyxie, just a quick post regarding play therapy. I dont if it would help, be viable or even if you would fancy it but my school is a training school for play therapist from our local university. They ave to complye o many hours 'in-service'. it is completed under extremely strict supervision and guidance and has proved invaluable for many of our LAC children. we run it parrallel to compliment our nurture class. We take a mixture of students with varying degrees of expertise including those in their final year. Many maintain a voluntary contribution after they have qualified. I don't know if they do this but maybe you could contact your nearest university that offers that course and see if the are any option from their trainee students.


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## Wyxie

Flash, I have looked into trainees, thank you for the suggestion.  The problem is that they need to be supervised, which means they can only do their free hours in institutions and there's nothing that can be done for us as a family with no connection to anywhere that offers play therapy.  The whole thing is very frustrating.

Wyxling did really well this morning and was great when I picked her up.  I was so proud of her taking her in today.  She's polite, confident, chatty with everyone, and brilliant at sharing when she's in this environment (terrible with her little brother at home of course).  She can read most 3-4 letter words, and knows all the letters big and little, she can count well and do basic adding and taking away particularly if there's food involved.  She's interested in everything that's going on behind her.  She sat down and wrote her full names with very little help and gave me a wonderful cuddle and a kiss goodbye.  When I picked her up she was happy to see me and really chirpy on the way home.  We went to a local play group which just runs once a week and which she loves.  Bladelet sleeps through most of it and we get to play on our own.  We spent a lovely hour or so playing with toys, making loads of things with play doh, and she sat and snuggled and dunked her biscuits in my tea.

Then we went home and it all just went wrong.  She was increasingly twitchy, rude and demanding throughout the afternoon and when I did finally put my foot down and tell her she was going to miss out on a treat because she was being so rude she completely went off the deep end, and we had a horrendous couple of hours of destructive and aggressive behaviour, resulting in me having to restrain her for a significant amount of time.  We seem to have got a bit of a problem at the moment, in that if she does something that she knows has a consequence, when that consequence happens, normally not being able to have something she wants like TV on, a treat, riding her bike, she then gets more defiant and behaviour just keeps spiralling.  In the past suddenly realising there was a consequence has often snapped her out of it, she's got upset, we've had a cuddle, and she's been much better again, but that's just not happening right now.  I find it really hard to get out of this cycle when we get into it and even when we get past the immediate outburst, she's then bubbling along, pushing boundaries, defiant, rude, and agitated/disregulated.  This tendency to disregulate is the thing my husband and I find the hardest to deal with because there never seems to be an answer.  I often can't reach her to bring her down when she's like that.

Anyway, she did finally apologise after dinner and we had an OK bedtime, but I'm just left feeling incredibly tired and helpless and hoping that we don't go back to every afternoon being a complete nightmare from about 4:00pm onwards.  This is the time I want to spend playing with my kids, but as often as not I just end up managing them and their behaviour because anything more is simply not possible.

Bladelet and I had a lovely chilled slow paced morning.  I had almost forgotten how hard it is to completely relax with Wyxling around.  She's always busy, always talking, always demanding, even when she's at her very best and the time we're spending is really enjoyable.  Bladelet is often difficult and naughty, but on his own he's so easy and we can toddle along doing nothing important in our own time, and sometimes even in peace and quiet.

Here's hoping for another good morning, and a much better afternoon.

Wyxie xx


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## Wyxie

What a conflicting week with our little Wyxling.  Back to pre-school again this week, and she's doing fantastically there, her teacher and everyone else there say she's the perfect little girl, kind with the new kids, helpful with jobs, not at all overwhelming, I can see how popular she is because everyone we go past on the way there and back knows her name and talks to her or tells whoever they're with that's their friend. She must be doing some reading in nursery, which she's got pretty decent with over the summer for her age, but teacher this morning pulled me aside to say she's clearly meeting all the development targets in reading, writing and numeracy for pre-school already so she's going to get her access to the primary school reading programme and books, which is all wonderful.  She's missing all the kids that are missing from last year - only around 10 out of 60 of the kids in the morning group from last year didn't go to school this September, but other than that, she's settling brilliantly.

At home, we're in a completely different boat, and things are pretty bad right now.  We have a lot of good time, some fantastic time, she can be kind and loving and wonderfully fun, but then she just goes like a switch is flicked and it feels like she's just looking for a fight and to be told off, and much as I try not to engage with it she's just so rude and defiant at some point there are boundaries and consequences, at which point things start to really fall apart.  She doesn't have tantrums really, never has, but she will ramp up the defiance, hit and kick, climb onto the top of furniture and throw herself off, on her brother if possible, and try to break things.  Inevitably I have to restrain her and then she rages and fights me like a wild thing.

She is such an extreme person, nothing is ever done by halves.  It's often like having a whirlwind in the house.

We are still nowhere on support of any kind for Wyxling and I am bracing myself for trying to fight once again with SS to get some funding for play therapy.

Once, just once, I wish she would show this incredibly defiant, difficult and troubled behaviour, and disregulation, in nursery, or at the GP, or with the HV, or just any professional who could get involved and try to get us some support.  How do you get support for the child who puts on such a good front to absolutely everyone else?

Tired, and worried.


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## Handstitchedmum

You speak to someone who knows precisely how well some children compartmentalise, split and/or dissociate their feelings, such as a child psychotherapist.  But good ones of those are truly gold dust.

Try googling child and adolescent psychotherapy schools?


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## Keeping busy

Oh Wyxie, it sounds like Wyxiling is so good at nursery but that almost makes her behaviour at home even harder to cope with. Just a thought,  are there any small local charities that could help?  I know we have a local charity that funds various support for families that have had CAMHS involvement.  Xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies.

I have tried several local organisations including a charity who fund help for kids, but nothing. We have never had CAMHS involvement and I don't actually know how good they are in this area.

This evening I have partially drafted a letter of complaint to the LA re Wyxling's treatment in f/c, introductions and her s/w, the lack of ongoing help being part of this. I had already told them it was coming before they refused help for Wyxling, so they shouldn't be able to turn around and say we're only complaining about everything now because we want help. I don't really hold out much hope for this working, but I think it's worth going through it and just seeing.

I'm going to see the GP next week again to see if they will give a referral for a play therapy assessment to be done, or any other help if not.

I want to get a play therapy assessment done, with a view to then doing filial play therapy, unless they're offering any better suggestions. I think the best way forward for us in the long run is filial therapy because it will help myself and my husband to be the ongoing therapists over the years as these problems come and go again. We have worked out that we could fund some filial therapy ourselves, but getting the initial assessment done, probably half a dozen or so sessions in a place with a play therapy room, is _really_ expensive.

I've also written to our MP to see if she'll get involved on our behalf. I know she used to be quite proactive about getting involved in all sorts of things, and she was actually a family law barrister with a lot of experience in public child law before she was an MP, so I figured maybe she'd be of some assistance.

All we want at the moment is play therapy, filial ideally, because of Wyxling's age. I imagine in the future some talk therapy would be helpful, but at the moment she's just considered too young for talk therapy and I think that's probably right. She does sometimes come out with things that give some insight into what's going on in that little complicated head of hers, but only ever to me, and not often. She's just too young for that right now.

She read a whole book to hubby today. Admittedly only about six pages with a simple sentence per page, but it's the first time she's ever read to him - I banned him from getting involved in teaching her because he's so bloody minded at times I was worried that he'd get her into a thing about it and she's just stop cooperating on that one. Actually, he was pretty good with her and she happily read him a little story. She's been great this afternoon in fact, it's been Bladelet who's been the hyperactive little monster, and hubby was out at bedtime so Wyxling and I stayed up a bit late watching Shrek and I even shared a couple of my very large very nice chocolates that hubby clearly bought me because he felt bad about going out all day when she's been so difficult this week. I gave her the heart one out the box, and got myself one out, and sat down on the sofa with her and of course I started munching. She then said I will keep this, not eat it, because it's from you and I love it, and put it on my desk and came and sat next to me. I was stunned. Wyxling has some issues with food and just never leaves anything, certainly not sweet food which she's always trying to get far too much of and very stroppy when she gets a no. She settled for a snuggle and we watched some film. Of course I then ended up sharing my chocolate with her, which seemed to be fine, but she refused for about 15 minutes to go and get the one I'd given her off the desk and eat it. In the end I had to promise to make her a bracelet so she could have something that's good to keep from Mummy (she has loads already, I make stuff with loom bands, but I don't normally make anything with beads on for her because she breaks them) to get her to go and get the chocolate off my desk and sit down and eat it. We had a very snuggly evening, and I put her into bed almost asleep and sang her a couple of songs while she held my hand, and off she went.

Bladelet then woke up crying which almost never happens; I think he was quite upset by hubby being out tonight as we're both almost always here at bedtime and definitely at the weekends. Had a huge snuggle with my little boy and finally got him settled.

All very lovely and snuggly.

More amusingly, we have a potty, a potty I want to put away. I don't want to potty train my son yet, he's not ready, and I'm not ready. It's not a good time and he's only just two. My husband is pretty determined that the potty stays out and keeps putting him on it at bathtime, bedtime, whenever they're in the bathroom doing nothing. I am getting quite irritated, as he's not the one here to do the bloody potty training, so I wish he would let me decide when it happens. Today, the potty was out, and Bladelet decided to sit on it. Wee wee, wee wee, wee wee he says. He stands up and sits back down loads when he's trying to use the potty, and always looks disappointed to find no wee in there. Her has in fact never managed to do anything in the potty, at all. But he keeps on trying, sit down, stand up, bend over to examine contents of potty, sit down again etc. While standing up and bending over to examine the contents of the potty today, he did a massive trump, and pooed literally all over the bathroom radiator and clean towels on it. He was a bit upset, Wyxling thought it was hysterical, I will admit to having a bit of a chuckle, but I have put the potty away, and it is staying away.

Sadly, hubby wasn't here to clean up.


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## Poppets Mammy

Your a women on a mission Wyxie and I have huge respect for you  

Absolutely love the potty story, made me laugh out loud  

Xx


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## Wyxie

OK, well, hubby to my annoyance, must have got the potty back out again today at some point, because there it was in the bathroom when I went to bath the kids and Bladelet happily trotted towards it as soon as his nappy was off, just like normal, saying "wee wee, wee wee, wee wee", just like normal, and sat down on it. Somewhat annoyingly, he actually did a wee on it, which has made hubby impossible on the subject of putting it away because _he's not ready for potty training yet!_ I might as well talk to myself. He did this with Wyxling, which was a much bigger issue with her because of her control issues and the related refusing to sit on/insisting on sitting on/refusing to wee/demanding to use it etc etc etc that we used to get in to and it drove me round the bend. I got quite annoyed with him about the whole thing, and he just isn't listening. Sometimes, he is simply too development focussed and doesn't see that certain things just don't matter at the moment. Now he's doing it with Bladelet too and it'll probably cause less problems, but right now when nursery just starting back and Wyxling seriously wobbling I don't want the bloomin' potty out. I can't even let him in the bathroom unless I am carrying him or he is holding my hand because he literally grabs and throws everything, breaks stuff, and shoves things in the toilet. Absolutely every time without fail he gets in the bathroom when he isn't being clamped my me or my husband, he causes carnage. It's 50/50 most days whether he decides to sit on the potty at bathtime or put it on his head, and I'm sure it being full of wee will make not a blind bit of difference in this regard.

I should add that despite his insistence that we push for potty training now, he's still refusing point blank to let Bladelet in the bathroom when he's having a wee. He seems to have decided that we'll just teach him to use the toilet sat down so that he doesn't have to demonstrate. I can't put a tampon in without two kids straining to get a good look, but he still feels his dignity is sacrosanct and heaven help that his son sees him holding his willy to have a wee.

Arrrrg. Men.


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## gettina

I have laughed at your witty writing wyxie but I'd be seriously annoyed at him! 
My dh absolutely tries to minimise accompanied trips to the bathroom (I think because it's practically a hobby for him) but I've virtually forced him a few times. 

I hope the snuggles continue. 
X


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## AoC

Ugh.  I think that's universal with men.  I didn't push it with DH, I just taught Bug to 'water the bushes' one summer and basically started with him weeing standing up so that he went very quickly from potty to toilet when we started.  We were still trying to work out what training seat we'd get (bearing in mind Bug is tiny) when we turned round one day to find him sitting perfectly happily on the normal seat, legs spread wide for balance....  

Um... okay.

But it does bug me when DH won't take him to the loo, especially when I'm 'on'.  My best one was in a dimly lit public toilet one day when attempting to change my pad with Bug in the cubicle with me.  He berated me loudly and long for "pooing my pants."  I just took my punishment meekly.  I didn't feel up to explaining.....


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## Wyxie

I'm trying to finish the letter of complain to the LA, but I'm just finding it so upsetting. This is half the reason I've never done it sooner, I just don't seem to be able to write it down appropriately.

I also owe contact letters this month, and I am struggling with these also. Normally I don't mind doing them, like most Mums I guess I quite like talking about my kids and am very proud of their little achievements, but this year I'm just finding it hard to get the right level. I like them to be largely positive, but always mention negatives too, as I want to give a balanced picture. This year I don't really know where the "real" midpoint lies, it seems to vary so much from day to day, and even Bladelet's is looking difficult.

On an up note we've arranged to see Bladelet's f/c soon, and while I know this is going to throw up very difficult questions with Wyxling, I am looking forward to seeing them.

I need to get all this finished soon. I know I'll feel better when they're all done.

AoC, the lack of privacy in the toilet still bothers me a bit at that time of the month. It also bothers me that Wyxling is still a little distressed by it, but won't stay out, and the couple of times I've tried shutting the bathroom door she's just been hysterically upset so I'm not going there again. I bleed _very_ heavily, so we're talking tampons and sanitary towels changed every 30-60 minutes for a couple of days, and the in the night and first thing changes will invariably be very messy and I usually need to wash 2-3 times a night for a couple of nights. Wyxling often wakes early morning if I go to the loo so she invariably comes in and finds the place looking like a complete mess and gets upset. Definitely not the scale of closing the bathroom door though, that was horrific.

Still thinking about having everything out when the kids are a bit older. 24 years of this once every four weeks, and nothing works properly anyway!


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## AoC

Wyxie that's really hard.  I used to have a similar time every month, but happily was on Zoladex (happiest time of my life, hormonally!) during placement and now have a coil.  Problem is (and apologies for TMI for those reading!) the coil seems to produce a lot of, um, brown, so it really does look like I've pooped my pants!  Is there any chance you could go on something to regulate/suppress things for a bit of a break?

I DREAM of a hysterectomy....  

Bug will actually let me go have a moment alone these days, if he's occupied with telly or tablet.  But obviously out and about it's different.  If we're all out together, I put my foot down with DH, which gets hilarious as he doesn't like to go with Bug, and because he hates my talking about Aunt Flo....  He usually says, "oh, I can't, I need to go, too."  I ignore the obvious that he SHOULD be going with Bug and just say, "that's okay, we'll wait here till you're done...."  

Re the writing, I'd just suggest getting it all down, gaps and all, with a rule of not being able to use the delete button.  Then edit the hell out of it, because that's easier than writing from scratch.  As for the letters...  it's a hard one, but try and release yourself from the confinement of having to say the 'right' thing.  You're a smart, articulate, excellent communicator.  You CAN do it.

Hugs.


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## Wyxie

AoC, I currently take Mefanamic Acid and Tranexamic Acid which do help and bleeding/pain are both much better, but still a couple of days a month of horrendous bleeding, although the pain is manageable with and it does seem to stop cramping causing vomiting most months.

Unfortunately, I cannot take anything with any progesterone component on a regular basis, which rules out the pill and the coil and most other forms of contraception.

Having a bit of a rough week this week, I think largely due to tiredness.  I really need a bit of a break which may be feasible this weekend.


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## Barbados Girl

Sorry things are so rough, Wyxie. It is almost an insulting monthly reminder, no?

On the toilet topic, my husband also will not let my husband see him pee and is very concerned about him seeing him naked. He says he never saw his parents naked. I, on the other hand have baby crawling around my legs while I am on the loo- I guess he is going to have to suck it up when I go back to work!


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## Poppets Mammy

Wyxie - totally random message alert!

I've just been browsing Groupon and noticed an Online Child Psychology Diploma Course for £49. I was curious and had a peep at the actual company and the course content. You don't get a proper Diploma obviously, so it's not going to directly lead to a fabulous career or anything. But may be useful from a personal interest point of view (if I had a spare £49 I'd be doing it as it's just interesting) but it made me think of you because it covers attachment/attachment difficulties and even theraplay - amongst a host of other things. Might be useful for you? 

Xx


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## AoC

Yeah, I found Tranexamic Acid and Naproxen were my magic formula, before the endo was properly tackled.  The TA was really transformatory, AS LONG AS I took it EXACTLY at the right times (even if that meant setting an alarm for a 3am dose) with food, and preferably 24 hours before I needed it.  (((((hugs)))))  I also used to eat a lot of iron-rich foods, both meat and non-meat, which seemed to help.

Hope you've had a good weekend.


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## gettina

I hope you are ok wyxie. You're v quiet (for you!)
Love gettina x


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## Wyxie

Thanks Gettina, I hope you're all well.  

I think a bit quiet pretty much describes how I'm feeling at the moment.  Quiet and tired.  We're bumbling along, I'm very worried about my husband and am sure he should speak to the Doctor about stress and/or depression but even the suggestion got his back up so much I haven't gone there again.  Wyxling is doing pretty well given the complete lack of any form of approval from her Daddy, and Bladelet's being a full blown monster - his behaviour at the moment is worse than Wyxling's has ever been, although without the added complications.  I am tired, a bit under the weather, and just taking one day at a time.  I am looking at some nursery time for Bladelet in the New Year and wondering what I can do to get my husband out of his current bleak mood for everything child related.  The kids are a joy and a wonder at times, and incredibly difficult at others, but I love them to bits and I have to believe we'll get there in the end.

I hope everyone is OK.

All the best,

Wyxie  xx


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## Primmer

Wyxie - sending hugs your way. You are doing an amazing job with both Wyxling & Bladelet. Your patience, understanding and love for them comes through in your posts. I really hope that your husband will seek the help he needs to be able to truly enjoy family life, I know that it can be hard to accept you need help and it is often something that you need to realise for yourself but hope it works out  for you all soon.


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## AoC

There you are.  

Beautifully said, Primmer.  

It sounds to me like your husband hasn't managed to adjust from his vision of fatherhood to the reality of your lives, and the pity about that is that if he could move into life as it is, he'd find it so much better than he thinks.  In a way he's grieving for his vision - unrealistic as it may have been - and grief's hard to shift.

Big hugs, Wyxie.  And yes, you will get there.  You've come such a long way already....


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## Wyxie

Thanks Primmer, and yes, AoC, you're probably right.  

At the moment I'm managing Wyxling although she's very hard work, but struggling with Bladelet.  I've given up on everything except an attempt to stop him biting, scratching, spitting and getting wee everywhere, which he seems to do whenever he is prevented from doing anything.  He completely ignores everything I say to him and no matter how calmly and gently I move him when I need to he almost always scratches and bites me and just thinks it's funny.  My arms are covered, and I really do mean covered, in bruises and marks where he's managed to nip skin with his teeth and break it.  Of course the more he does it, the more it hurts, because he's biting already bruised skin.  Even my hands are a bruised mess.  I am really struggling with it and nothing I say or do stops it.  He knows it's not nice, he knows it's hurts, but when he's not getting what he wants he just bites and then laughs if he manages to make me shout out/exclaim.  He basically seems lovely and adorable and snuggly but he absolutely will not behave for me and I'm ignoring everything I possibly can but still inevitably end up in conflict which means biting.  I can manage things better when Wyxling's not here, but when she is he's hell bent on destroying whatever she's doing or playing with and I have to step in, then it's chompy time.  I know he gets it at one level, but I just don't seem to be able to do anything except try and avoid it as much as I can.

Somewhat stuck for options given his limited grasp of consequences.  Play pen is still seeing far too much use, which he hates, but often I'm left with no alternative given how bad his behaviour is.


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## Sq9




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## Arrows

Oh Wyxie, we've been dealing with a lot of very aggressive behaviour too and it sucks -he has loads of empathy but still hurts me all the time. 
There're a number of seminars taking place provided by PAC, a well respected organisation for supporting adoptive parents, that may be useful? Could see if your LA will pay for it? We're looking at going to one or two of them if possible.

http://www.pac-uk.org/training/workshops-for-adoptive-parents-and-other-permanent-carers/

/links


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## gettina

Wish I had any advice but just sending lots of virtual support xxx


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## Wyxie

Thanks, I'm just at a loss as to what to do about the biting, especially him biting Wyxling.  He doesn't just bite and let go, he bites and holds on, and no matter how much Wyxling screams the place down he doesn't let go until I prize his jaws apart, which of course means he's really hurting her.  He's been poorly this half term which has just been a bit of a nightmare.  I haven't been able to take them far, Wyxling is understandably upset because she's missed out on all the things we were going to do together this week, and then been stuck in the house while I wash and rewash every item of bedding and towel we have and the second they're not being completely fully supervised with me right next to them, he gets in a strop about something about bites her, pulls her hair, scratches her etc, but it's the biting that really hurts.  He's been absolutely horrendously behaved for the entire week and nothing I do has any impact on this at all, he just thinks it's funny.  The only thing that stops him is being put in the cot or play pen then he sobs and screams for me/cuddles.  My husband is being a complete nightmare over this issue, and clearly thinks I am not strict enough with Bladelet, but nothing works.  He doesn't do it when my husband's here and he is maintaining that I should smack him every time he bites and that would stop him and that's the only solution he's offering, other than to put him in the play pen whenever I do anything, which would mean hours every day of him sat in there sobbing.  I am absolutely not going to smack our children, and I won't let him either, which he has accepted, but he just seems to have washed his hands of the whole thing now.  I don't often get really cross with my husband, but I am really very angry with him about this.  Bladelet doesn't settle and play in the playpen, and throws everything that's in there straight at me.  I am absolutely at my wits' end with this, and really I have no answers at all.  I feel awful that Wyxling is getting repeatedly hurt and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.  I simply can't spend the entire day glued to both of them and taking Bladelet everywhere with me isn't feasible because even if I carry him everywhere he just grabs absolutely everything he can get his hands on and throws it on the floor, at me, across the room etc.  He is absolutely horrendously behaved and I have no control over him at all and just no answers when both of them are here.  He knows he shouldn't do all this stuff and he's deliberately going out of his way to do it and I don't even know what he wants or why.  He's not happy because he's tired and poorly, he's not happy because he can't have his own way about everything, and/or grab everything Wyxling has, just normal toddler stuff really.

Before half term things were feeling a lot better.  Wyxling is generally doing really well, although she's full on and hard work, extremely hard work, but lots of really positive stuff in terms of behaviour.  Right now I'm just knackered after several nights of being up with hubby and Bladelet this week when they've both been ill, and very upset.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs babe no words of wisdom but to say that the instinct to a bite is to pull away but actually pushing into the jaw so you're at the back of the pallet prevents the force.  Might help you and Wyxling if you think she's capable of using the knowledge.  Also might take the fun out of it for b if he's in slight discomfort not others in pain xxxc


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## GERTIE179

A BIG virtual hug. Things sound very tough. Do you think Bladelet resents any time Wxyling is about and recalls some of her behaviour when he came home so has resonated attention seeking behaviour. Obviously when hubby home he gets more attention so behaviour is good?

I found this with little man (and still do), when he's calm and lots of one on one he's metly fab but if we have to do lots of appts etc in our one on one times then I find by the weekend he's starts playing up (normally he torments the dog as it's the thing that winds me up the most and have to take direct action).

No solutions but I always find knowing (or at least having a theory) helps me keep things rationale.

Got to run but hopefully some others throw some ideas 
X x


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## Sq9




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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies, we have had a better day today which has been nice, although largely because I have had a lot less to do which wasn't child related!

Gertie I think Bladelet's issue is just how intense Wyxling is and how demanding, and that's completely understandable.  It's hard to explain Wyxling to people who don't know her without just getting the "oh, that's totally normal" thing which completely infuriates me, because it may be, but not in the way she does it or the intensity with which she does it.  She never settles, she's always needing something from me, she just doesn't stop for a second, and if she's not got me she hassles the life out of Bladelet to do stuff with her, play with her, badgers and badgers him in the way she does me and it's exhausting, which continually telling me what she's doing, what Bladelet's doing, that he is having fun, her best friend etc.  The closer she's coming to pushing boundaries and getting into really giddy play with him the more she goes on about how much she loves the game which is her control and boundary pushing, Mummy, look, I'm pushing the rules, what are you going to do, when are you going to step in, etc.  It's just insanely stressful being in the house with them both, because of how she is, and although I try to stay as calm as I can I find it hard.  My husband finds it harder although I think he doesn't put the effort into staying calm that I do.  Bladelet largely ignores it, and that's fine, but it must drive him round the bend too, and lately he's started getting very interested in everything she's doing and wants whatever she has too and it's all just clashing together quite badly.  Today I just caged him whenever I left the room, which was manageable because I didn't need to do too much around the house and we went out for quite a while.  He bit her again this morning really badly and she has a huge bruise on her forearm.  I can't let him do it just because she's annoying, and the first priority needs to be keeping both children physically safe.  

The next one is for me to do more to get Wyxling to leave Bladelet alone, which is really really tough, and getting Bladelet to deal with being cross without biting, but I can't do that in the really intense full on whatever the hell this week has turned in to when we've all been stuck in the house far too much with me desperately trying to balance keeping up with basic hygiene cleaning and washing.  Wyxling is back in pre-school next week and we'll take it from there.  I'm just disappointed because I was really looking forward to her being at home and actually, when Bladelet is asleep and she's not competing with him, she's a lot more enjoyable to be around, and her continual touching base feels less intense and intrusive.

I'm probably being unfair on my husband, he's actually been really poorly this week, probably more so than Bladelet, so I'm sure that's not helping his mood.

I'm a little drunk, so that may not make sense, and back off to my attempts to make snails out of fondant icing without the antenna drooping.


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## gettina

While not ideal I hope the little ones are more settled in the routine with Wyxling back at pre school.
Xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks, we're doing OK.  It was Wyxling's birthday yesterday and she's having a party on Sunday just at home - not ideal but all her friends have had them and she would have felt left out if I'd said no.  She's been incredibly stressed and anxious/controlling/needy in the run up to her birthday but much better on her birthday and actually seems to be looking forward to her party.  We're having toileting issues at the moment which is a real pain, but we're managing it, even if it is causing a certain amount of stroppyness from Wyxling.

Hope everyone is well.  

Wyxie xx


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## Poppets Mammy

Where are you Wyxie? I hope everything is ok? Hopefully we'll hear from you soon   Xx


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## Wyxie

Hi Poppets Mammy, I hope you're well.  I've been around but haven't really been in the mood for writing lately, at least not anything definite.  I don't seem to be able to work out what I want to say.  The kids have mostly seemed to be doing OK given everything we normally have.  Christmas was OK by our standards, and I have had some lovely time with Wyxling lately, and sometimes with Bladelet.  Wyxling is doing some very normal stuff really well, going to gymnastics, staying on her own, really enjoying it and interacting well with the other kids.  She wanted a kite for Christmas and her face the first time we flew it was just awesome.  Bladelet loved having Daddy at home for Christmas and was generally really good the whole holidays, but has gone back to being revolting to Mummy this week while Daddy's back in work.  We do get good time and nice time, but it's really overshadowed by his horrendous behaviour and subsequent tantrums/worse behaviour when he doesn't get what he wants and/or is stopped doing what he wants.  My husband is convinced it's normal toddler naughtiness just taken to extremes, but I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm just paranoid.  Anyway, I have been posting occasionally on AUK forums, copied and pasted today's post from there.

"My son uses a booster seat on a dining chair.  Two days ago when I was clearing up from breakfast there was a massive bang and screaming, and I went in to find him on the floor, chair back had snapped through, he had smacked his head into the floor.  Luckily, no serious harm done, he's got a pretty good bump but no concussion.  My four year old daughter told me he'd kicked himself back from the table and kicked the chair over.  She appeared very concerned and wanted to cuddle him.

In the afternoon I put him in the booster seat again, but in the middle of the front room where he could watch TV while I got dinner ready, without trashing the front room which seems to be his main goal at the moment when I'm not there, making absolutely certain there was nothing he could grab onto to pull or push himself over.  A few minutes later the chair flew forwards and he smacked face first into the floor, hitting his face on a toy, splitting his lip and chin.  Wyxling was there straight away asking if he was OK and saying Mummy, Bladelet was rocking the chair again.

When he calmed down Bladelet told me Wyxling pushed his chair over.  Now his speech is not great, but he's starting to string a couple of words together and he was pretty clear that "Wyxling push chair" which helpful actions.  I asked her about it, explaining how seriously he could have been hurt, and very calmly, and she was very sincere in her denials and her assertion that Bladelet did it by rocking his chair.

Clearly Wyxling was lying.  I knew she was, because Bladelet couldn't have toppled the chair like that, and we did finally when my husband got home get an admission that it was her that had pushed the chair over both times.  What concerned me more, though, was how calculated and calm she was about the whole thing.  She’d clearly thought it through, made sure I was out the room and couldn’t see.  She’d obviously heard me tell him in the past on many occasions that if he kept rocking his chair he’d knock it over and bang his head, and decided to do it herself and blame him.  We both explained to her how seriously Bladelet could have been hurt, that we could have had to take him to hospital and that he might not have got better, and she understands this as well as a child her age can.  Although emotionally she doesn’t function normally, intellectually she is a looong way ahead for her age.

I really didn’t think she’d do it again although I’ve been watching both of them very closely, but to cut a long story short she did exactly the same thing again today, again, very calmly, I only nipped out the room for a split second and should have taken Bladelet with me I know, but I didn’t, and she pushed the chair over.  Again she was absolutely adamant and extremely sincere that it was Bladelet that had done it pulling himself over on another chair, but we’ve been videoing the front room and of course it was her.

We have had some other worrying stuff.  He once slipped his car seat straps and undid the seatbelt while we were on the motorway, and when hubby braked suddenly his carseat with him in it smashed into the back of the front seat.  He was OK, and I felt awful, as I’d had no idea he could get his arms out.  Since then we practically cut the circulation off when we strap him in.  Over Christmas our daughter undid the seatbelt and when we found out told us it was Bladelet.  Clearly it wasn’t, as he was still strapped in and could not physically have reached.  She does lie a lot, often about small stuff that doesn’t matter but that it’s very clear she’s lying about, and she’s very determined to get our buy in to what she’s saying.  She’ll just repeat the lie again and again until we either just nod or correct her.  But this is a lot different to that.

Anyway, I now feel like I just cannot leave them alone together at all because I simply don’t know what she’ll do next or when.  If she was doing it while obviously angry it would be much easier because I would know when I needed to step in to keep things under control, but I don’t.  I’m not sure if I’m over-reacting but this really feels quite sinister and very worrying to me.  I am worried that she’s picking up on my frustrations with Bladelet who is being utterly vile to me and to Wyxling at times and just thinks it’s funny.  He frequently bites her and throws things at her and my arms and hands are a complete mess of bruises.  Generally I manage to stay pretty calm with both of them but I have been noticeably frustrated and upset by him in front of Wyxling a few times recently and I wonder whether that may be part of the reason.  When I’ve asked her reasons for doing this she’s mentioned food every time.  We do think she has food issues (the dream child who eats everything on their plate including veg as far as everyone else is concerned of course) and she was very overweight when she came to us.  I manage her food intake because left to her own devices she would simply not stop eating.

I have asked the PA SW who was meant to come and see us today but cancelled to call me on Monday, but wondered about going to the GP.  I’ve been to see him before but wondered whether worries about her seriously hurting my son may prompt them to actually make a referral to mental health services.

Honestly, just frustrated.  Wyxling at times seems so much better lately in a lot of ways.  There are areas in which she seems to have made huge progress, but in others she just hasn’t and there’s always something new.  She’s often affectionate and very loving with me, although this is balanced out with some pretty awful behaviour at times too, and in general she is highly controlling and defiant/stubborn/resists our control, but in many ways it has felt like we may be getting somewhere. 

Ho hum, lost the plot a little there.  I just wonder whether I’m simply over-reacting but it feels like Wyxling really does need psychological/therapeutic help asap and has done for a while.  I’m doing my best but I’m not a professional.  I’m also now stuck feeling I have to take a perpetually horrendously behaved toddler with me everywhere in order to keep him safe.  The child that grabs everything, throws everything, and hits, spits, kicks and bites me whenever he’s not getting his own way, or for amusement if he’s in that mood.  Don’t get me wrong, he can be adorable, but he is not in any way easy.  What worries me most is that despite how horrendously behaved he is, to us he seems in so many ways the most “normal” and balanced of our children.

Thoughts welcome, most particularly on what I can do to try and get some sort of support for Wyxling!"

I know it's wrong of me given their ages, relative understandings, and the possible impact of their behaviour, but I'm so much more upset by Bladelet at the moment than Wyxling.  I guess that deep down I just know that Wyxling has problems which are unlikely to resolve without help, and accept that I need to keep them both safe even though it is likely to be a nightmare maintaining the level of supervision that seems to be needed.  Bladelet just seems to enjoy winding me up and hurting me.  I know he's too young to understand, but it doesn't change the fact I'm really struggling with him just now.  The continual disobedience/defiance/biting/scratching/hitting/kicking/throwing and his amusement with my attempts to curtail it are really getting me down, particularly in view of his total obedience to my husband and general awesomeness when Daddy is around.  It's not that he can't behave, he's just choosing not to for Mummy.  I do not seem to have another pool of unlimited patience for horrendous behaviour to spare.

Just reread my last post, and the birthday party was great, she really enjoyed it, although her pre-party anxiety was pretty horrendous.  She is generally coping with situations like this better.

Anyway, as I said, I hope everyone is well.

Wyxie xx


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## Sq9

.  Really wish I had some words of wisdom that would make things easier. Sounds like gp may be a good place to start.  So wish there was something we could do to help     Xxx


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## melloumaw

so sorry your going thru this wxyie, do you think you dd is trying to tell him off on your behalf ie paying him back for being naughty to you. i know it in no way validates what she is doing, but it could be a reason behind it. with regards to the lying, my eldest is a born fibber over the tiniest of things,nothing we've done seems to help. but she is like her bio father in this respect.
i really hope you get the help you need for your children, the system is poor. it took 9 years to be heard about my middle daughter being autistic.even then we had to gather the information and go armed with it to the doctors, maybe this will be your best option as you clearly aren't getting help from the people who should be fighting for you.
i wish you all the best
mel x


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## Wyxie

Thank you for the replies.  I am hoping we may have found a way to try and access some professional help for Wyxling.  My husband fairly recently changed his job and he now gets private medical insurance for us and the kids through his company.  I had assumed that any pre-existing problems would not be covered but I've just spoken to them and apparently the company pays extra so that any pre-existing problems will still be covered, including children's mental health issues.  I am due to speak to someone on Monday to find out what we would be able to access and what we would need from our GP to be able to do so.  Fingers crossed we may be able to get some appropriate help through this route.  Trying not to get my hopes up but it definitely sounds promising.


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## melloumaw

that sounds fantastic,hopefully it gives you a positive outcome for the future
mel x


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## Flash123

Wyxie, so glad your back. You and your wonderful wise words have been missed. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through but that private insurance sounds like a possible means into the world of support and care that your precious wyxling needs. I sincerely hope it opens the doors you need it to xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks Flash, I've not really been anywhere, I just haven't been posting much. I do read the forum most days.

I'm just looking through the policy at the moment and whether or not it will is a bit fuzzy. All I can do is call them on Monday to find out. If it's a no, we're back to SS and the GP and hoping for something, anything! I'm also trying to see if I could get DLA for Wyxling. If I could do that, then we could use that money to help fund treatment ourselves.

Anyway, either way it's waiting until Monday for anything. I should be used to waiting by now, but I'm not.

In the meantime despite some truly foul behaviour towards me from Bladelet at times today, and hubby waking up in a terrible mood with the kids and barely able to be civil to them, we actually ended up having a pretty good day. Bladelet was finally persuaded to sit on his balance bike and scoot shuffle slowly along which is a huge improvement. The wind died down enough that we got to fly Wyxling's kite in the park this afternoon without it and/or her blowing away. I even had a go which was awesome as I've never flown a kite before and we both had great fun, with a huge thanks to Bing for preparing Wyxling pre-Christmas for the fact that getting it off the ground would be a two person job! I have been doing my best Julie Andrews and singing the kids' favourite songs from Mary Poppins (again, and again, and again, although it does give us a little variety from this little gem which has been constantly requested since Wyxling's Christmas Concert and which Bladelet absolutely loves.


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## Wyxie

After a horrible day of biting and scratching from Bladelet, which has left my hands covered in bruises and my face covered in scratches, I have absolutely had enough.  I feel terrible for feeling like this, I never had this with Wyxling, but Bladelet is just being vile to me at the drop of a hat at the moment, and seems to have no remorse or real inkling that he's doing anything wrong at all.  He can also be adorable, but right now I'm just fed up of walking down the street with him screaming and trying to bite/scratch my hand.  

What's upsetting me more is that I'm seeing increasingly obvious signs of insecure attachment style and in particular he will just run up to anyone at nursery or who I talk to in the street and try to get cuddles and kisses.  That combined with his already terrible and now deteriorating behaviour just feels like a very bad combination.  It's really upsetting seeing it, and I'm finding it hard curbing his determination to get cuddles from the other Mums at nursery without them really understanding why.  I have come up with a half-truth, as in it's true but not the real reason, to semi-explain myself with people I don't really want to alienate or come across as too weird or over-protective too because these are the Mums of the kids Wyxling is going to go to school with.

In other news Wyxling is clearly having a difficult time the last couple of days which I suspect may be stemming at least in part from my Husband's mood, and also from tiredness and being a bit under the weather.  She was hysterically upset when Bladelet bit me this afternoon, and fifteen minutes of crying earlier because she missed Daddy (absolutely unheard of, normally she would simply be very difficult and sulky if she missed Daddy) who she then predictably pretty much ignored once he actually got home early.  These are areas in which she has made and is making huge progress and then others - lying and very devious/dangerous behaviour - where she is deteriorating.  

We are currently employing a combination of separating the kids in different rooms (upstairs this is fairly easy to manage) and almost complete supervision with video coverage for the small times unattended to monitor downstairs.  Today Bladelet has been in such a difficult mood that I've simply had him with me in the kitchen strapped into his booster seat when I've been in there or he's bitten/hit/thrown things at Wyxling. 

It's still a little unclear as to whether the private health insurance will be able to offer us anything.  I need to speak to the GP first and see if he will make a referral to a psychiatrist.  If he will, they will fund two consultations to reach a diagnosis (or not) and based on that will decide whether to pay for treatment.  If she was diagnosed with an attachment disorder or other mental health issue then they would pay for treatment, but they wouldn't pay for a diagnosis of ADHD or Autism or general developmental or behavioural delay.  However there is quite a significant excess on the mental health cover which we would need to meet.  In the first instance however I need to see the GP, and I haven't managed to get an appointment until tomorrow.

In other news I finally spoke to the new post adoption SW and actually that conversation was quite hopeful.  I'm wary of trusting SS in general, she showed a huge amount of empathy for how I must be feeling, but the suspicious part of me thinks that she's simply putting me at me ease so I'm more open about other problems in the home and it will all get thrown back in my face in the future.  I want to feel like there's someone who may be willing to help us and the kids, but I'm not sure I can handle more crap from Social Services right now.  She's coming out next Monday to start the assessment of Wyxling, and I'm considering asking for Bladelet to be assessed as well, although he may simply be too young for any sort of help to be given.  He is a very young 2 1/2 y/o.

So, a crummy day really, but tomorrow's a new one, and as ever I am full of good intentions.


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## Sq9

Wyxie, you're amazing.  So many of us would not be able to cope even half as well as you are.  I really hope the gp makes the referrals you need and that you are able to get funding one way or another to get what is needed.  So wish there was something I could say or do to make things better


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## Wyxie

Today has just been the lowest of the low.  Nothing particularly bad happened in the grand scheme of things, I'm just tired, depressed, fed up, and wondering why I can't do better with the kids.  Wyxling's need to control absolutely everything kills the fun in so much of our life, hubby can't help but respond to everything, Bladelet is just getting me down, I simply don't know what I'm doing wrong with him, but it's become absolutely clear that there's something.  I'm fed up of my husband being unhappy, and radiating a whole heap of negative emotions to the kids, but he simply doesn't seem to be able to help it, or even realise he's doing it most of the time.  He's wound up, stressed, snappy, hostile, and it must be obvious to Wyxling that he doesn't like spending time with her.  I'm fed up of Wyxling's awkward, sulking, controlling, defiant behaviour, and the lying, I'm really, really fed up of the lying.  I'm fed up of the continual spitting, biting, scratching, kicking, hitting from Bladelet, combined with his general amusement at my attempts to get him to stop it.  He just thinks it's funny half the time.  I can cope with his outbursts when they come as part of a big tantrum, because I understand that, and while it's not fun or OK, it's kind of age appropriate, but the rest is really upsetting me.  I don't want to feel guilty for how I feel about my husband at times, which is probably unfair on him, and about my son a lot of the time, really, funny, it doesn't feel like the misrepresented emotion we're so used to with Wyxling.  I feel guilty for even acknowledging to myself that having our son was almost certainly the wrong decision for everyone involved.  

I'm fed up of not being able to talk to anyone about how hard things can be because no-one gets it, and if I hear "oh, the biting stage" one more time I feel like I may actually hurt someone.  If my Mother in Law tells me one more time about the time her youngest child tipped over the coffee table in the front room during a tantrum, when she had guests no less, she will probably be top of the list.  

I need to be able to relax in my own home, and at the moment it's next to impossible.  

I want my husband to come to the meeting with the PASW on Monday because I don't want to do it on my own, but I also know that he's not actually a good advocate for our cause when it comes to getting help; he doesn't put things across well and often makes actually quite serious behaviours sound little and petty.

I've just had enough of so many things right now.  There's no answer, it's just the way it is.


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## Poppets Mammy

Ah Wxyie   Sending my love and support your way.

What have you tried so far to address Bladelet's behaviour towards you? How old is he now?

Xx


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## Arrows

Huge hugs. I Really hope they take you seriously and give you and the kids the help they need.


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## GERTIE179

Aww petal I really don't have any advice as think you are handling a really tough situation amazingly well and I really admire the strength you've shown in fighting for your children's needs.

Just sending a HUGE virtual hug. It sounds like you guys need a break to get some head space to think about how you can be on the same page for Specialist meetings and what will make things easier to keep going. Can your mum come and stay for a bit and maybe allow you and hubby some time to talk as I know you've said she respects your rules. X


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies and support.  I'm feeling a bit better today, and even decided to take the kids out for the day myself, to a local soft play and then to my Grandparents for the afternoon just to give my husband a break.  I then managed to scrape the car in a stupid parking accident - luckily on a barrier not another car - and feel awful about it.  Did the day out anyway but it really took the wind out my sails and it was a bit of a chore after that.  Just can't believe I did something so retarded.

Gertie, my Mum isn't doing too well at the moment, and she does find both the kids together quite tough, although she has had them in the past and I'm sure will again, it's normally only for quite a short period of time.  MIL would of course love to come up but it just massively increases the stress.

Meeting with SS tomorrow, guess we just see how it goes.  Hubby is trying to take the day off work to come to that and get some quotes for getting the car sorted.  He's been absolutely great about me doing a stupid thing to the car.


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## Flash123

Good luck for today's meeting wyx. Hope it provides some of he answers you are looking for or at least hope that they are out there somewhere xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Wishing you well for your meeting, thinking of you all xxx and don't beat yourself up, silly accidents happen


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hope today has gone well xx


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## Wyxie

Well, to my surprise and my husband's complete shock the meeting actually seemed to be fairly positive.  My husband took the day off and was at the meeting.  I am wary of getting my hopes up too much, she was very clear that all she could do was undertake the assessment and make a recommendation for the support Wyxling and we should have, but it would be up to her Manager as to whether they agreed the funding, but it looks as if some support at least could be offered.  I suspect it won't be as extensive as we would like, but a first step, she said quite clearly that our chances of getting CAMHS or other mental health services involved given Wyxling's age are almost zero.  Now we just need to wait.  

She also reinforced my suspicion that there are remarks on our file about me, probably originating from Wyxling's first SW with whom we had a terrible relationship, which may have coloured other people's opinions prior to meeting us and general willingness to offer support.  She even commented, sounding somewhat surprised, that I didn't seem to be particularly over-anxious.  It is the first time that we've had a SW come into our home and be positive about us as people and as parents.  I somewhat hesitantly feel that I actually like her and trust her honesty, although I know I'm in all possibility setting myself up for significant disappointment here.

In other news, while failing to sleep last night, I promised myself I was going to stop thinking of Bladelet as just a very naughty "normal" toddler, no matter how much he may seem like he enjoys driving me round the bend at times.  I need to stop getting so upset and cross by his behaviour, because I'm not hiding it so well at times and that's helping neither child.  I also decided that hubby and I need to stop taking the "easy" option, and me taking Wyxling and him Bladelet when we need to get stuff done separately.  Hubby was perhaps less enthusiastic to be greeted with my decision that he was taking Wyxling to gymnastics this afternoon while I stayed home and failed to get much done while Bladelet rascalled, but he did at least agree that it made sense.

I am so incredibly tired, but hopefully will sleep well tonight.  I also took advantage of my husband being at home today to go for a long run this afternoon, as the weather forecast this week seems to be telling me that I may be jogging in my big snow boots by Thursday morning!

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Sq9

Have everything crossable crossed that this is the start of your family getting the help and support that is so long over due.  

Take care xx


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## Wyxie

I went back to the GP today with Wyxling.  Last time I went I didn't take Wyxling, because I didn't want to have a basically negative conversation with her there, but the GP wanted to meet her before discussing where a referral might be made to in order to get some sort of help.  I was dreading it as I knew it would be a really tough meeting for Wyxling, and hoping the GP wasn't too pushy with her or too specific.  I'd told Wyxling just before we went in that we were talking to the GP because she'd done some very dangerous things when she'd been feeling bad, and that we wanted to try and work out what was making her feel bad so we could help her to feel happier.  I had stressed that no-one was cross with her, and that she didn't need to say anything if she didn't want to.  She just hid in my coat during the meeting and refused to talk, which was fine, but seemed to recover OK after a pretty big cuddle on the bus on the way home.  As an aside, life would be somewhat easier right now if I had a car of my own, but that's not really financially viable while I'm not working, and my husband has the car in the day for work.  It does make getting to appointments etc anything from a pain in the backside to a complete nightmare depending on where they are.

Anyway, I wiffled off.  The GP was actually somewhat more helpful today.  I think in retrospect she simply didn't know who could possibly offer the help we were looking for and had clearly done at least some research.  She said she felt the Community Paediatrician would be of no use, as she would have no real knowledge of adoption related issues, and there was no development delay.  She had made enquiries about CAMHS but said they will simply refuse any referral for a child as young as Wyxling.  She suggested that she speak to the PASW to see if she could suggest a paediatrician who had expertise in the relevant areas and whether the SW thought a referral along those lines would be helpful.

I just hope they don't each decide that the other one should do something and we end up with nothing.  I voiced this concern to the GP.


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## Handstitchedmum

This makes me want to become a child psychotherapist more than ever. These are such vulnerable children, with huge potential. Why do so many barriers exist to accessing expert help? And age, of all things. They simply do not know what is possible. 

That said, your area downsized its CAMHS a few years back and probably lost the key staff to help Wyxling. The system is in crisis. Try Leeds, if you can go out of area. They have more academic resources and are the closest child psychotherapy training centre.


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## GERTIE179

I really hope this brings the help you guys so deserve x x


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## Wyxie

It sounds like it is going to.  I had an email from the SW yesterday which really surprised me.  I would like to add it on here, but will probably instead post in the closed section of the forums, as something is making me hesitate.  I'm not sure why as anyone involved with me our my family and reading this would clearly be able to identify me and in all honesty that doesn't actually bother me because there's nothing I've said that I wouldn't say again, but still, something is giving me pause.

Today Bladelet decided he no longer wants to nap in the afternoon.  I suspect this is in part down to the TV programme which Wyxling is normally left watching while I take him to bed, and which he has developed a sudden interest in.  He's 2 1/2 and a lot of children do stop napping about that age, but Bladelet is not going to be one of them.  He absolutely needs a nap, in fact he could do with it a little earlier but it's not possible given Wyxling's nursery pick up, and without it he is utterly vile all afternoon.  He's still shattered at bedtime (6:30 normally) and sleeps at least 12 hours a night.  But today, clearly feeling grotty, full of snot and equally full of rascalry - a word I am not entirely certain exists but which surely would if anyone writing a dictionary had met my son -  he decided that he didn't want to go to sleep.  I made the mistake of going in to check on him after 10 minutes of shouting, as I assumed something was wrong, but no, there he was stood up in his cot looking grumpy, knackered, and very pleased with himself that he'd managed to get Mummy to come back upstairs.  Anyway, my aspiring Buddhist had apparently decided to eschew his worldly goods and was stark naked with the previous contents of his cot scattered round the room.

Soooo, realising I had probably made a mistake, I decided to go with it, put him a fresh nappy on, redressed him with his back fastening swimsuit on under his clothes, put him and his bedding back in the cot, and even one of his toys.  I gave him a kiss and informed him he was tired, and Mummy would not be coming back up again until he had been to sleep.  Almost an hour of comical shouting, singing, requests for a wide variety of items including a clean nappy, a cloth, a tissue, a number of different toys, chocolate, bubble mix and a digger, he finally shouted a happy "lots" through the baby monitor (usually the last thing I say to him is "love you  lots" and he replies with "lots") and went to sleep.  

15 minutes later I had to wake him up.  He was not happy any more.  I then had to take him out this afternoon to the swimming baths, where Wyxling had her first swimming lesson, and he was not able to go in the pool.  He was still, not happy.  He spent a considerable amount of time shouting through the glass wall where I and all the other parents were watching their kids having their swimming lessons.  He was quite amusing, but most definitely, not happy.  He then had to wait around while I got her showered and changed, home again, and cooked a very late dinner, before I finally gave him his milk and put him into bed.  We skipped the bath. 

Wyxling did absolutely brilliantly at her first swimming lesson.  It was complete mayhem there, loads of kids all queuing up to go into the pools, there must have been at least five different classes on at once, and she was looking very, very little.  After a back destroying 5 minutes of carrying her in one arm so I could cuddle her, while of course keeping the essential vice like grip on Bladelet, she had to go in and she looked so lost I just wanted to run back out with her.  She settled down a bit when she saw our neighbour's little boy, and by the time I'd gone round through the changing rooms to where I could watch from she seemed to be OKish, and was sat holding his hand.  She saw us through the window, fortunately it appeared to be soundproof or she may have got a little distracted by Bladelet, and gave me a little smile, but she just looked scared.  Once she actually got in the water though, she loved it.  She's always loved going swimming and is very confident in the water.  She was great at following instructions as she always is in these sort of settings, and clearly loved racing the boys kicking herself across the pool with a float under her arms.  She quite happily jumped into the pool without a hand, which I know she loves to do when I'm there, but I was surprised she was so confident, and even had a go at kicking herself along without a float, although as she usually does she sank after a meter or two.  It was wonderful to see her so happy and engaged.

She did really space out afterwards and I had a bit of a job getting her to move to shower, I had to go in to get her in my clothes and lead her out, wrap her up, and sit her down on my lap, and it was really hard getting her moving to get dressed, but once we got outside and she was back on her bike for the ride home she was pretty much OK and back with her feet in the real world.

I can't begin to describe how proud I was, and knowing how hard the very normal childhood activities and situations can be for my little girl just makes me so much prouder.


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## melloumaw

it sounds like she had a great "normal" time. here's hoping it continues for you
mel x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

She did amazing.  When my youngest point blank refuses I give her 15 minutes then strap her in the pushchair laid down.  So she can't fight enough to stay awake.  She'll scream for over an hour in her cot with the ability to hold on the side throw things and generally move around.  She'll only do one sleep cycle but although not ideal it's better than nothing.  I actually keep a pushchair upstairs for this reason.  So I can put it in her room next to her cot xx


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## Poppets Mammy

Sounds very positive, fingers crossed you finally get some help.

Well done Wyxling, she's done fab! I remember Poppets first swimming lesson - it's a very proud moment. I filled up with pride   xx


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## AoC

There's lots there that's sounding really positive, Wyxie, I'm so glad!  Fingers crossed it manifests into something you can use.

Long ages ago (ggg) I printed out and anonymised a post of yours about managing behaviour, which has since been on permanent pin up in our kitchen.  It's the one that includes "think younger, think younger" and talks about consequences and time outs being extremely unhelpful.  Today I showed it to our social worker, and it became in her eyes another piece of evidence that we know what we're doing, because we've read the good stuff, and can spot the good advice.

Thank you for making that contribution to our adopting again, even though you didn't know it.


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## Wyxie

Thanks, AoC, that's a lovely thing to mention, and I'm really glad things seem to be on track for another mini sometime fairly soon.  

To be honest, I think I need to find that and read it again myself, as a bit of a reminder.  I'm trying my best to think very young with Bladelet at the moment, and every day my good intentions last until I'm attempting to get him, me and Wyxling ready and out the door to walk Wyxling to nursery while he wacks, bites, spits, grabs, throws, slams doors and flicks light switches, all with a huge grin on his face, and I just want to scream at him!


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## crazyspaniel

Ah Wyxie, sounds a lot like this house in the mornings


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## Wyxie

To be fair getting out the house in the morning has got a lot easier again over the last couple of weeks.  As much as he drives me round the bend, I can manage Bladelet being difficult, because he's a toddler, but if Wyxling goes too then it all gets quite exciting!

AoC, do you by any chance remember where I posted that?  I would quite like to reread it and despite an extensive search last night, I have failed to find it.  A testimony to the amount of waffle I also post on a regular basis, no doubt!

I'm trying my very best to think younger and I am extremely proud of myself for staying as calm as I have done today as Bladelet has been utterly foul, and then completely pathetic and needing Mummy, and I can see no rhyme or reason to it, but I've been very patient with the awful behaviour and lots of cuddles for the sobbing, drooling snot covered baby crying for me, even when they've been rewarded with biting my shoulder.  Said patience helped by the cold day as I have two tops and two jumpers on, so apart from the time he bit my face (a new one, I didn't say anything, but do have what I think is going to be a cracking bruise on my cheek to explain in nursery tomorrow   ) he didn't hurt me.  I am having a glass of wine as a reward.

In other news Wyxling went for her second swimming lesson today.  She loved it again, of course, because she does love physical things and is great at listening and doing what she's asked in situations like that!  They use those long circular floats under them to help them float while they're learning to kick themselves along.  The instructor then got them all to have one go without the floats and supported their heads/backs as they went across on their own.  When it was Wyxling's turn she just said "no, thank you" to the instructor to any help, and set off on her own.  She did exactly what the instructor had told them, head back, bum up, flat in the water, and quite confidently and calmly swam most of the way across the pool on her own.  It was really sudden and unexpected and I can't even begin to describe how incredibly overemotional I felt seeing my little girl swim properly on her own for the first time.  

Sometimes these moments come at me from nowhere, often at the smallest things, and I am completely overwhelmed by the pride and love I feel for these little people that I cannot imagine life without.


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## AoC

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=270083.msg5706011#msg5706011

I did a search on a phrase in the post, and found it. The bit on my wall starts with the second para and ends all kids are different, with certain sections highlighted....  I did take out your kids' names.


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## AoC

There's something special about their achievements when you know what they're fighting against, isn't there?  Well done Wyxling.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Amazing she's a star.  Sometimes a dislike of physical contact from most of the world can spur you on. She's  very courageous xx


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## Wyxie

Diva, she's actually pretty good at accepting physical contact in situations like that.  She's been quite comfortable letting the teacher move her limbs around when they're doing other things, although I'm almost certain she would not be if the teacher was a man.  She's just confident (sometimes over-confident) in her own ability to do a lot of things and I've discovered that mostly, it's better to let her try on her own and work out for herself that she needs help, than force the issue.  She's incredibly bloody minded and I tend to avoid arguing with her when it'll work itself out on its own.  I also find that I see her in situations like that and after a day of comparatively normal family life I sometimes start to question myself as to whether I am imagining some of the problems we have.  Then we have a day at home like today where they manifest themselves in a hundred little ways, and we go through the day gingerly, carefully, and with far more calm and patience that I would have believed myself capable of a couple of years ago, and I realise that no, there's still something almost indefinable going on in her little head which just isn't normal for a child that age.  She's such an incredibly complicated little person.

AoC, thanks for linking that, it was useful for me to reread it with respect to Bladelet and bearing in mind how we've been (failing to) manage his behaviour lately and how miserable it's been making him and me.  It was also interesting for me to think about how my parenting of Wyxling has changed over the last year or so, as she's got older and in some ways harder to manage at times, but in many others more settled and with a significant improvement in our relationship.  It's also useful to think about how I've had to adapt to managing different situations.  

It also makes me realise that while I've made huge progress in terms of learning my daughter and managing her behaviours and hopefully understanding some of the reasons behind them, I have made very little progress in that regard with my son.

I can feel a very long and wibbly post coming on which pizza and wine is about to interrupt, but thanks again for re-linking that.

All the best to everyone.

Wyxie xx


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## AoC

"It also makes me realise that while I've made huge progress in terms of learning my daughter and managing her behaviours and hopefully understanding some of the reasons behind them, I have made very little progress in that regard with my son."

What I really wish for you, Wyxie, is that when you re-read that, the bit that turns up big and bold in your head is the positive, not the negative.  Give yourself some credit, please!    

I think we often forget to look back and live in the knowledge of a job well done or even a time well survived!  We're always moving on to the next challenge etc.  In our one-day second timers prep course, they reviewed a video on attachment we'd seen before, but it was completely different in the light of what we have now lived, and very positive.


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## Wyxie

Honestly AoC, it doesn't make me feel particularly bad or good, it just frustrates me, because it's not for want of trying!  At some level my daughter makes sense to me in a way my son doesn't.  I can think of a number of reasons why that may be, but none of them particularly help me.

It occurred to me recently that over the last 2 1/2 years I have become increasingly desensitised to the level of physical "abuse" my children, both metaphorically and literally, kick out.  Often it's not particularly serious, and lots of kids kick/hit/bite/scratch etc at times, as I have heard about a million times from other parents, usually when Bladelet is being difficult while I'm out.  "Oh, the biting phase" is my current most hated phrase and the rage I feel at hearing it grows every time I have to smile and nod politely at another well meaning Mum/Granny/Shop Assistant/Child Minder or whoever else it is uttering this mindless phrase at me normally while I'm on the nursery run for Wyxling.  Anyway, I digressed, but I guess what I'm saying is that the relentless physicality of parenting my children, first Wyxling, and now mostly Bladelet, but with much more ooomph if it is Wyxling, has really altered how I think.  In the last two and a half years I honestly cannot remember ever being bruise free, being urinated on (Wyxling, mostly, and now fortunately rarely) and spat on has often been par for the course.  I've had two awful black eyes from kicking, and several nose bleeds from head butts, two bad head bangs, knees stamped on, shins kicked, and more split lips and scratched/bleeding faces than I can count.  There have been many occasions where my hands and arms have been literally covered in bruises and scratches.  I've got used to explaining these things and I downplay it too when people ask about it.

In order to cope with this I've found that not only do I down play it to other people, my husband in particular, but also to myself.  It's just the way things are, and I've learned to live with it.  There have only been a few occasions where any real damage could have been done, so I've just come to accept it.  The whole point of this ramble is not that I'm feeling sorry for myself, but that I have realised I have started applying this mentality to the children too, which is a little frightening to me, and also leaves me very disappointed in myself.  

I've always been reasonably on the ball in respect of Wyxling hurting Bladelet; she's big and strong and he's a little weed; but I have not been doing everything I should to protect her from him.  He attacks her many times a day, bites her leaving bruises and sometimes making her bleed, he scratches her, and often throws heavy toys at her head and face.  Not because he's angry, it just seems to be another way of winding up Mummy and big sister up all at the same time, this is something I'm not meant to do, so lets do it.  Somehow I've allowed myself to get drawn into the "all normal toddler behaviour" idea and I've really not done enough to prevent it.  I always intervene of course, and try and stop it and give her lots of fuss/comfort, but I just haven't been successful in preventing him from regularly hurting her and I realise that I've really let Wyxling down in this regard.  Although he's never seriously hurt her he frequently bruises her and he did once chip one of her teeth.  The fact that it's a two year old means it's up to me to prevent it, and I haven't always been doing as much as I could.  At some level I have just come to accept that this is the way our family is, which is probably necessary for me at some level as an adult, but absolutely not for the children.

The last few weeks I have been keeping them almost completely separate.  Bladelet simply cannot be left alone with Wyxling when it's just me, Wyxling and Bladelet in the house.  He hurts her a lot, and while she doesn't hurt him much, when she has, it's been quite serious.  So Bladelet stays with me, even though he doesn't always like it as if I'm in the kitchen he needs to be strapped into a booster seat, but for now that's just how it is.  I'm doing my absolute best to give them both as much quality time as I can individually, and keeping them apart to play unless I'm right there.  Actually while they both dislike it, Wyxling in particularly, and it's a nightmare for me logistically, they have been getting along together and playing together a lot better when they are together.

Not where I was going with this post to start with, but that's where we ended up.


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## AoC

"I can think of a number of reasons why that may be, but none of them particularly help me."  

I know that syndrome!  It's the world of the deep thinker....

I think what you're saying makes a lot of sense, and your way of tackling it (given all the other parenting stuff you do about it, too) makes sense for you and your family.  You all need some respite from it, and although getting that for yourself is harder, you can at least give B and W some from each other.  It's not forever, it's for now, and it's what's needed.

I'm sad you've had to accept being hurt, because you don't deserve it, and I wish you would feel a bit sorry for yourself, because that's real and reasonable, but I understand that that wouldn't help you function in the way they need.

Hugs and strengthening wishes.


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## Wyxie

Today has been a tough day.  Wyxling's first full day in nursery, and she was very excited.  I'm getting her to do a few full days before starting school in September.  

I had plans for a lovely day with Bladelet.  Bladelet, it appeared, had other plans, and was just vile the whole day.  Hyper, agitated, looking for anything to do to wind Mummy up, and thinking it was hilarious, other than the few times he was sobbing hysterically because I just had no choice but to confine him while I sorted some essentials out, like his lunch, or changed his nappy.  

I also had a quick trip into town for a ultrasound scan, brilliantly they now offer these in the health centre in my local town, and by a ridiculous fluke of timing and buses and them running on time it only took us 50 minutes out the house for the whole thing, so, absolutely loads of time to spend doing lovely things with Bladelet.  Or not.  In the end after I made him a lunch he loves and after biting and scratching me determinedly while I strapped him into his high chair, he spat most of it at me, I just gave up, gave him his milk, which he also spat all over me and him, and put him down for his nap early.

I called to check Wyxling was OK after lunch and nursery said she was fine, had enjoyed lunch club, and was back in nursery with her friend who also stays all day on Tuesdays.  

She was OKish when I picked her up but by the time I got them home they had wound each other up into a massively agitated state and Wyxling was either ignoring or giving me a flat out "no" to everything she was asked to do.  Hugely defiant, sullen, continuously lying, determined to do things that are dangerous and/or going to break things, just the whole works, ending of course with her determinedly and sullenly trying to hurt me and Bladelet and/or break something.  I tried to separate them out without completely restraining her, and after an hour or so of attempting to calm and manage this there was a tussle over a chair I was trying to get away from her to stop her throwing it at Bladelet, and I ended up getting hit with it twice, once round the back of my knees which knocked me over, and then again in the face, which I think was an accident as she tried to pull the chair away again.  Luckily, nose is not broken, although I did wonder for a while as it bled massively for well over half an hour, but thankfully now doesn't look too bad, just bruised, although it feels bl**dy awful.  Wyxling's was almost hysterical, screaming she hadn't done it, it was me, because I tried to take the chair off her, and it was hers, and then buried herself in her bed.  Bladelet, fortunately, unhurt, and just causing the usual carnage.

It took me what felt like forever to persuade Wyxling out from under the mountain of covers and cushions and blankets and then another I don't know how long to calm her down enough to talk.  We did manage to rescue the afternoon, bizarrely, and play for a bit, although she kicked off again just before dinner but calmed again once I took Bladelet in the kitchen to make dinner and I persuaded her to make a den on the sofa with her toys.

She has been desperately clingy and somewhat less awkward since, and keeps hiding herself away but then let me get her out again for cuddles.

It was my husband's turn to put her to bed tonight and he managed not to be too off with her, and I went in after I'd got Bladelet snuggled and tucked in and sang her some songs while she just clung to me.

I don't understand how I can be so angry with Bladelet for his morning's antics and general wind Mummy upness and horrid behaviour, but not at all cross with Wyxling for something that could have seriously hurt someone.  I wish I could find the same level of calm with Bladelet.

Anyway, clearly, there are some limited consequences for the day's outbursts but I've learned not to carry these over to the next day as our best hope of getting back to normal is to wake up to a clean slate, an attempt to stay calm, and as much good time together as we can manage.  Actually, Wyxling has been doing brilliantly the last few weeks, and this really, really surprised me today.  I expected fall out, but not this.  

I am just incredibly sad, and so very worried for my little girl, and too tired to even be cross with myself for being unable to feel much but irritation for Bladelet at the moment, although I do at least think I manage to hide it pretty well.

Long day, tired day, going to spend some time with hubby before he gets cross with me for "doing nothing" as usual, which is what he thinks this is.


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## melloumaw

just wanted to send you a   you are such a strong brave woman, who deserves some calmness to her life.
i wish you and your family love and peace
mel x


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## gettina

Just  
I imagine your nose will ache for a while but hope it soon feels better
X


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## Wyxie

I'm sure the nose will be fine, but it is quite bruised and of course I can't cover it, which is really upsetting Wyxling, who seems to be very genuinely sorry but it's clearly making her feel terrible and that's not good because she so easily gets into the "bad child" place and when she feels like she is the bad child, she will behave like it. 

She's been incredibly clingy today, lots of cuddles and kisses and needyness, but also struggling to settle which tends to make her really controlling and feeds defiance, and then leads to her disregulating, which she has been on the edge of all day.  I have been super patient and she has been really trying to control herself and it's been tough for her, but she is at least trying, and trying to let me help her calm.  She's also been knackered; these periods of severe disregulation where she's completely off the rails and the associated emotional ups and crashes like she had yesterday would be enough to destroy anyone, so it's hardly surprising that she's been so tired today.

But, we got through the day, and had some good time despite the controlling behaviour.  She was very clingy at nursery drop off, and asked me to tell her teacher that something was wrong.  I asked her what was wrong, and she just said "yesterday".  I said I would tell her teacher that she'd been very upset and make sure that Wyxling could go to her and know her teacher would find her a special job to do, which she's very good with.

She had a friend come round this afternoon which wasn't ideal, but we'd had it arranged for ages.  We still had time for a long play together first and I let Bladelet have a good long nap, to my complete shock I managed to get her to engage in some theraplay activities, normally not something she would actually cooperate with if it's just me here.  Luckily her friend wanted to play board games, Bladelet had a long nap, and her friend's little sister had an absolute field day with our hoard of cars, rockets, bin lorries, diggers etc, so actually they played very calmly for an hour or so and went through our entire stash of games really nicely.  She did get quite hyper when they were playing with toys and Bladelet was up too, so I broke all the tele rules and shoved a film on after they'd gone to get through the half hour before dinner without incident from Wyxling.

Bladelet and I managed a reasonably good morning compared to the last week or so, which I really needed, although even on a good morning we still get random biting/scratching with no warning and just a laugh.  It's so frustrating, he honestly doesn't seem to get it or care.  I keep telling myself that he's still at the egocentric state of development, he's very young to have empathy, and using the same methods we used to use with Wyxling in terms of getting him to do gentle touching to "make up" for hurting, and praising all gentle play/touching, which feels like the right way to go, but never seems to actually make much difference in the longer term.  Even so, he was happy, engaged, we got his duplo out and I built the fire station for him, he nee nah nee nahed round the room putting out fires very happily, and we played Doctors and all his cars and trucks were the patients.  I am always struck by how incredible his imaginative play is when he forgets to be a little soandso.  When my husband is here he plays like this a lot, often with no adults, and it is wonderful to watch him.  When I sit and play with him and it's just us here he will take a little idea or something that I've done, and use it, and expand on it, and cooperate with it.  This is something that is a real battle with Wyxling.  It's rare that she immerses herself in play like that and it's one of the things I love most about being with Bladelet when it's just to two of us.

He did, however, bite Wyxling really badly this afternoon.  I nipped out the room briefly and was lazy and didn't take him with me.  I must have been gone for 20 seconds total, and he bit Wyxling's finger very badly and wouldn't let go while she screamed and screamed and I dived back in the room as fast as I could.  He really hurt her and I felt awful for leaving them together when I knew he was quite agitated.  Wyxling kept asking me promise not to leave them alone together again today, and I did, of course, I just took one or both with me everywhere.

Anyway, the day went OK.  I really hope this means I dealt with yesterday well enough that we can start moving back to where we were, with a relatively relaxed and happy little girl who was enjoying playing and doing fun things with Mummy and Daddy, and a little boy who at least when Daddy is here at the weekend, is a complete joy.  

The main thing that stands out today is just how much both of them have wanted to cuddle and kiss with Mummy, despite the problems, and in a rare event I managed to get them both to sit down with me on the sofa this afternoon and have a snuggle, one on each side, while we watched a film. 

My posts here tend to focus on the negatives, or at best the challenges, because that's often what I need to let off steam about or think through, which writing helps me to do.  Our family life can be difficult and stressful at times, and the helpless frustration and outright rage I feel on my children's behalf for everything that's happened in their short lives and all the people who have failed them can be overwhelming, but we are a family and despite all the problems, that gives me far more happiness than anything else.  I love my husband very deeply, but I could never have imagined loving another person as completely and unconditionally as I love my children, and that in itself is an incredible feeling.  They are both wonderful in their own very different ways, they can both be so incredibly loving and affectionate, and the good times we have as a family make everything else worthwhile.


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## AoC

That's so beautifully said, Wyxie.  Kudos to you.

And love and hugs, of course.


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## Wyxie

Thanks, lots of love and hugs to all of you too.

It's the first day of half term here today, and the kids were out all day Saturday with MIL, who was here all weekend.  They were, of course, impeccably behaved while with MIL and FIL, a fact I have been reminded about almost continuously since.  I have tried to avoid mentioning how they've been here, but of course I keep getting constant requests for updates.  How have the kids been since the weekend?  Is Bladelet kicking and scratching again?  Well Wyxie, I don't know what you do, because he never does it for me.  How about you go f**k yourself.

Wyxling has been awkward, avoidant and sulky.  Bladelet has been alternating between being extremely amused and pleased with himself for being as naughty as he possibly can be, throwing massive tantrums, and then sobbing for cuddles with Mummy, which of course he then responds to by trying to bite or scratch my face.  I have been as patient as I possibly can, and although I have no idea how, we have managed some limited good time in there today, and I did get Bladelet to show his teeth to the dentist for the first time ever by getting him to pretend to be a dinosaur and roar at the dentist.  They both enjoyed feeding the ducks on the frozen canal this morning and Wyxling was quite snuggly at bedtime.  Most of the rest of the day has been horrific and I've been completely failing at managing my stress levels.

Today has hopefully been the worst day of the holidays in terms of doing boring stuff, and having to get out the house at a set time (twice), and although I do feel a complete Wyxling meltdown at some point during the week is almost inevitable, I'm hoping tomorrow may be more sane.  I'm going to take them both swimming in the afternoon, which they love.  I've also just had to order new swimming costumes for both of them as the old ones are pretty much see through and falling apart due to being worn/washed so much, and they've arrived, so that will probably make for happy babies with new Peppa/Georgie Pig swim suits.


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## Wyxie

This morning my husband took the kids to do the weekly food shop while I stayed at home, which is what we do most weeks.  I get an hour or so of uninterrupted peace and quiet in which furiously attack the housework while listening to Queens of the Stone Age on full volume, and this morning everyone arrived home in a good mood.  The kids normally help Daddy bring the shopping in when they get back.

"Happy Valentines Day, Mummy" says Wyxling as she runs through the door and hands me flowers.  "Day" shouts Bladelet happily as he runs in behind and throws a box of cat food at me...  

My wonderful babies, I love them so much.


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## Sq9

😊 xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Ha ha bet you were particularlythrilled with the cat food xxxx


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## melloumaw

gosh that did make me laugh, glad you had a lovely day
mel x


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## Wyxie

It still keeps making me chuckle when I think about it.

Today, however, has been less than great, at least Wyxling was this afternoon after her second full day in nursery.  I am just so completely helpless when she gets in her defiant and disregulated state.  Helpless to make her stop it, make her happier, keep Bladelet out of it, nothing I do seems to help her calm.  

My husband is struggling when she is very rejecting, and I can't help feeling disappointed in him for how he totally fails to cope with this in front of the children.  Nothing I say to him seems to make any difference in how he thinks about, feels about or reacts to Wyxling.  She hurts him, and he just pushes that hurt straight back onto her.  He makes her feel horrible sometimes, and he must know it, and I can't accept that someone as intelligent as I know my husband is doesn't realise that making her feel like that is the absolute last thing we need.

I spend two hours trying to cope with her going completely off the rails in the most positive way I possibly can while managing both of them and trying to make sure no-one gets hurt and it feels like he just comes home and undoes any good my attempts may do because he can't see past the fact that "she's horrible to him" (she wouldn't give him a cuddle before he left this morning or when he got home).

I am so fed up right now.


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## AoC

Ugh.  This is "be the grown up" syndrome, isn't it?  

DH is awesome, but I still have to say to him sometimes, "yes, I know you've had enough of it, but he's 4 and you're 43.  So he gets to act up and you don't."

Maybe it's a bloke thing.  

Frankly it does sound to me like your DH needs some extra training/help/therapy.  But the ones who need it nearly always won't do it....

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))


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## Wyxie

I sometimes get very angry, actually I often get angry, or at least extremely irritated, but in particular I get very angry when I hear the phrase "I wouldn't stand for that".  "My child is difficult too, but they don't hit/bite/scratch me, they know I wouldn't stand for that."  "My son knows that I wouldn't stand for lying in my house".  

So, what would you do, exactly, if they wouldn't stop?  You'd tell them off, stand them on the naughty step, take their toys away maybe.  But they still do it, in fact it gets worse, and worse and worse, the more you punish them.  They're miserable, hysterical, and convinced they're horrible, but still, they keep doing it.  Maybe you'd smack them.  But they still do it.  What exactly, does "I wouldn't stand for that" mean.  How exactly do you intend to stop a child doing that.  Don't get me wrong, I understand children need boundaries, but what would you do if your child doesn't respond to that?

I hate the phrase because it implies that the reason my children do some of the things they do is because I do stand for it.  I do allow it in my house.  I make a choice to allow my children to behave the way they do, rather than to stop it.  I find the depth of ignorance of some people absolutely astounding.


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## Wyxie

AoC, you're probably right about needing support at the moment, he's stressed and probably depressed, and I keep hoping that if we can get some form of therapeutic help for Wyxling and us he will be able to get a better perspective on Wyxling's behaviour at times and that will help him cope better and just enjoy our children more.  He and they are missing out on so much because he so often can't see past the behaviour.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs it's hard. My see red phrases are they seemed fine to me they were happily doing x. Yes I imagine my children's stress then force my eldest to have behaviour melt downs sobbing hysteria etc and ensure my youngest wakes repeatedly to prove myself right.  

Also that people / professionals believe they have greater insight into my daughter than me. I mety daughters as a stranger I know how they respond to the unknown because we all lived it together. Her responses are different because shesuffered neglect and abuse for thewhole period her brain developed.  her brain is different to the children you normally deal with so shrespondeds and shows things differently.  This is a medical fact not something I have imagined Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Dumb idiots to be honest I manage it by just not talking about my children to people
I have some fellow adopters who are fab as are my parents so I just smile and nod to all others.  However sometimes it upsets me as ultimately it is distancing me from family and friends I've been close too and been there for when they've needed me
But I try not to let it. Hugs again sorry for the me post just wanted to empathise xxx


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## Arrows

Wyxie,  your post re not standing for stuff really resonated with me -not because I say or experience others saying it but unfortunately because I'm 'that mum' right now trying everything under the sun to get my kid to behave and failing miserably! 
Any magic solutions? 
Baby is due in 9 weeks and I'm in constant pain able to do less and less,  DH was at home for 4wks constantly due to redundancy and this week started a new job in a different part of the country so we now have the house up for sale and we're currently at my in-law's house hunting. Poor boy is totally thrown and is utterly horrible at the moment as not coping with all the changes and I'm exhausted and grumpy with a ridiculously short fuse. 
Any ideas?


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## Wyxie

Sadly, I have absolutely no magic solutions. One of the best pieces of advice we were given fairly early on with Wyxling was that there was no right approach to discipline that was suddenly going to fix everything. Problems that are routed in underlying emotional issues don't just go away with the right carrot or stick, and sometimes I think we need to just accept our children as they are, before things can start to get better. It's an incredibly stressful time for you, but more so for your son, who has all sorts of unexplained changes going on to routine, and will undoubtedly be picking up on your stress levels. In all likelihood things will get worse before they get better. The addition of a biological child to your family is likely to be _extremely_ difficult and scary for him. The idea will be hard enough but the reality of sharing you with a newborn baby who grew in your tummy when he knows he didn't, is almost certainly going to be harder.

When Wyxling really goes off the rails I find gentle correction, some very limited choices and consequences, presented as positively as I can, and as much praise as I can for _everything_, no matter how little, often things she's not even thought about. Moving a toy out the way rather than sitting on it, saying please, catching a cough, any sort of gentle touch or speech, getting her clothes on, washing her hands after going to the toilet, sitting or playing "nicely" - however briefly, just anything, and then just moving on to doing things together that are enjoyable. I think it's easy to kill the option to have fun by piling on too many consequences. If I can do that for a few days things will improve. I find now that if I can get it right on day one of huge disregulation and behaviour disintegration, they normally don't appear again the next day, as long as I can keep everything as positive as I can. I try and show as much empathy as I can for how she is feeling, even if the behaviour isn't OK, the emotions behind it are entirely valid. But most of all I try to make sure she doesn't start to feel like a "bad child", which is extremely hard at times. As soon as she gets in that frame of mind things will just spiral and spiral. It's not enough for them to know we love them despite their behaviour, they have to know that they're lovely, loveable and wonderful, despite their behaviour, and that's a lot harder. My husband seems to find it impossible some days!

I really sympathise with your situation, all the stress of your husband's redundancy and having him away/moving must be incredibly difficult. The thought of events like this which are out of our control often worries me, and I know I would find it incredibly difficult to cope in your situation.

Have you thought about contacting PAS to see if they can offer any sort of therapeutic help?


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## Arrows

Thanks Wyxie! Will definitely try to do that.  At in-laws just now and unfortunately had an incident with my FiL. LO was being utterly horrible as late eating lunch and so hit FiL cause he told LO what to do.  FiL then said to him 'do NOT attack me. You're mummy may not smack your bottom but I will. Do you understand me?' FiL then got irate because LO refused to respond to him.
I was right there! I asked LO to respond to FiL and then when he didn't took him upstairs with me to have a bit of time out and he wet himself. It was so hard but I calmed him down,  changed him and when he was okay got him to say sorry to FiL for hitting but had to wait till this evening to talk to FiL and explain exactly why we don't smack, how his statement undermined my parenting and choices and how stressed and anxious LO was, particularly with a delayed lunchtime as late food ALWAYS triggers behaviour meltdowns and that X, Y and Z were the methods we used to deal with behaviour. 

Not good, especially when I'm trying so hard to keep calm and praise him, along with encouraging them to I.e. yesterday FiL got really cross LO didn't use two hands to hold his cup and spilt juice so I made a game of it and LO was desperate to please FiL by doing it. FiL didn't comment so I very pointedly said 'look grandad, LO is using two hands,  isn't he a good, clever boy?!'


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## Mummy DIY Diva

His Arrows don't know how you stayed calm with fil well done you handled itamazingly well.  Think I may have sent lo out the room then smacked fil for his bad behaviour.   xxx


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## Flash123

Arrows well done you. I think you handled that amazingly well. Xxxx

I totally understand and passionately believe that the style of parenting we try to give to our children is what they and many children need and to be honest I really think that I would have been this 'type' of parent if we had birth children. But sometimes, on those bad days (which we too seem to be sharing at the moment) when theraputic parenting is damn hard I see parents who appear to have it easy, others who 'give nothing' to their children and those that don't give a hoot and I feel an emotion that I can't quite label. I don't think it bitterness or anger at our situation but i cant quite put my finger on it. all I do know is it isn't a very nice emotion or feeling to have.

Don't get me wrong, I would never wish to be like that - my little man deserves SO much more but that constant giving emotionally and often physically is so blinking draining and sometimes soul destroying when you don't feel you are getting anywhere. Combine that with life and situations that happen 'to' us and somedays are so, so tough.

Xxxxx to us all xxxx


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## Flash123

I have just re-read my post and I realise it sounds exceptionally negative and moany. It didn't intend it to be. Wee man is my world and I wouldn't change our lot for all the tea in china - however, I would change the situation that he was born into and to some extend the genetics he inherited that has resulted in so many issues and behaviours that he is going to need to battle against in life, issues  that sometimes makes our family life a little tougher than I wish it was. 

But then again - that's what makes him him and that's why we love him. 

I think I've just confused myself, let alone anyone else! Xx


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## AoC

I know this is an old conversation, but the "I wouldn't stand for it," thing gets right under my nails, too.  I usually get, "oh, I don't let...."  And what exactly do you do?  Chain him up?  Some people just do not get what it's like living with a child who (when disregulated) doesn't stop for a No, or a consequence, or for the basic levels of discipline.  And then when they see you reassuring and comforting and supporting, they think you're being soft and not challenging bad behaviour.  ARGH!

What nearly killed me off in placement wasn't so much the hitting, as the stage we reached where any praise or positive attention would cause him to immediately do the most 'naughty' opposite of what we were praising him for.  I just did not know where to go from there, without help.  Which thankfully we got.  It was soul destroying: discipline didn't prevent the behaviour, praising made it worse.  

((((((hugs))))))

Oh, Arrows, that must have been so hard.  I HATE family and friends taking on the discipline/correction role when I'm RIGHT THERE.  *glare*  I'm with Mummy DIY on my probable reaction....  "He's a traumatised child, you're a grown-up.  He has lots of reasons for behaving like a brat, what are yours?"

(Not saying he IS a brat... ggg  )

I know exactly what you mean, Flash!  Every time I talk about difficulties with Bug, I want to immediately say what an Awesome Dude he also is, and how much I breathe only to love him.  But I think you all know that.


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## kizzi79

Saw this on ******** and though was relevant (re others just not getting it)
http://theadoptionsocial.com/blogless-blogging/brighter-thinking-a-new-animation/
love Kiz x

/links


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## Wyxie

Dear Health Visitor, 

Would you like me to tell you exactly where you can put your "where your child should be developmentally" flier you insist on sending me every time I have to have any contact with you.  

I know where my children should be developmentally, which is why I know my daughter who you think is flourishing, because she is bright, is so far from it, and my son who is pottering along at his own speed, is actually doing pretty well all things considered.  No, he can't count, no, he can't tell you what colour that car is, and no, his speech isn't brilliant.  He has tantrums while you're here, instead of melting after you've left.  But he smiles, and he laughs and he genuinely enjoys things in a way my daughter quite possibly never will.  When he laughs it's because he thinks something is funny, not because it's a learned response to a situation, and when he cries he wants and can be comforted by Mummy.

I don't think I need to push his development, because he's getting there in his own speed.  He has lots of stimulation in the home, but if he just wants to play peekaboo then that is absolutely fine.  There is nothing wrong with my son wanting to play and genuinely enjoying playing baby games that largely involve eye contact and smiles and physical closeness with me.  

Conversely because my daughter reads better than most 6 year olds and can do mental arithmetic that would tax many adults that does not make her a flourishing child.  It makes her bright.  All the intelligence in the world will do no good if she can't sit, focus, and cooperate enough to complete anything with adult involvement unless they dance round six different dances and get things just right.

Give me help for my daughter, leave my son to me for a while, he doesn't need to be prodded and poked yet, but for my daughter, my very complicated and messed up daughter, time is ticking away, and no-one is doing anything at all.

How about you, and everyone else who is focusing on the wrong child, go to hell.


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## AoC

I wish I knew what to say that was useful, apart from "hear hear!" and sending you a massive cyber hug.  Crying with you.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well said hugs.  Xx


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## Flash123

Massive hugs to you ((())))

If only people would not assume they know our children better than we, their mothers do!


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## Sq9

Big hugs wyxie


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## GERTIE179

Aww humongous hugs - Grrr to those that dare think they know your children better than you do. Really hope you get the help that your battling for soon x


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## gettina

Hope family wyxie is doing ok at the moment.xxx


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## Wyxie

Hi Gettina, thanks for your message, I hope you're all well.

We're doing OK.  We manage on a day to day basis.  I am still worried about Wyxling's need to control everything and the resulting problems this causes at home, together with her complete inability to settle and relax.  

The help we'd hoped for and been told should be forthcoming from PAS doesn't seem to be matierialising though, they seem to have gone back to it's all me/my parenting/my understanding (or lack of understanding) or normal child behaviour/my emotional state which the children are picking up on.  The SW visited before Easter to meet Wyxling and really unsettled her - she was far too over-familiar and I was really shocked by how inappropriate her behaviour was in light of Wyxling's attachment issues.  She left saying that rather than going to observe Wyxling at nursery next (an appointment she failed to turn up for twice so far) she wanted to come and meet with me, and left me a leaflet about mental health services and a suggestion that I watch something on the TV about how kids this age behave.  I haven't even got the energy to make any sort of complaint.  Every time I try to get help and fail and am told it's all me I find things that bit harder.  I need to do my best for the kids on a day to day basis and I'm not sure I can keep doing that with Social Services coming out to patronise me and put me down.  I do worry if Wyxling requests her file later in life what she's going to find on there about me, given everything that's been said over the last few years, but right now I just don't feel like I've got any fight left in me.  I just don't deal well with Social Services any more, I'm so angry with them and that tends to come through as me getting upset, and that just reinforces their opinion that it's all down to me.

I haven't chased for the next meeting so I guess I'll just wait and see when they come back to me next.  It's been nearly 8 months since we initially contacted PASW and they've still not completed an assessment on Wyxling so I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime I'm just doing the best I can and trying to enjoy the good bits and not worry too much about what the future will hold.  Easier said than one some days!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

The lack of support really angers me it's so wrong. On prep they make out if its needed it will definitely be provided.  I completely understand where you're at there is only so many times you can bang your head against a brick wall xxxxx


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## GERTIE179

Hey huni ((hugs)),

It's so sad that the person who seemed to understand is now not able to help (and in all likelihood it's due to £s). I really get the head against a wall feeling and know that we will face that again in the not too distant future but for now we muddling along (Oct-Feb we always have a big blip but summer feels easier with all the quirks).
X x here anytime you need to offload x


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the messages, I guess we're just at the "see what happens" stage.  We've had a pretty stressful weekend but in the context of a Wyxling who has seemed to be a little happier and more relaxed recently.  She had an afternoon where she just went this week, which was tough for all, but it was also the first time in at least six weeks which is good.  But the aftermath of that and our neighbour moving out (we hardly know him but of course it's huge for Wyxling) has left her frazzled, frazzling and exhaustingly controlling although we seem to be getting back towards normal.  Bladelet was really thrown by her behaviour which is hard to describe to people, even here, given the complete lack of tantrum to accompany the extreme agitation and dangerous/extreme behaviour she displays when she goes, which has made him tricky.  Still, it's been a while since the last time we had this, and hopefully we can call it a one off this time and move on.

My Mum visited this weekend and she was completely worn down by Wyxling and her constant need to control/inability to settle which kind of makes me feel a bit vindicated in how I feel at times, but also quite sad.  Social Services seem to think I want to be vindicated in my opinion that something is "wrong" with Wyxling.  I would love nothing more than to be wrong, and for there to be a lovely easy better parenting solution to our little girl which makes me see that actually everything is fine.  Anyway, it was a tough weekend at times, but actually I've had a lot of good time with Wyxling over the last week or two and we had some lovely days out over Easter.  Being able to get outside is good for both of us, because it enables us to have much happier times together.

But, she never settles, and I'm trying to accept that, although it did take me back a little when I turned round to listen to her in the supermarket the other day and found her absent mindedly climbing the freezer compartment - seriously, she wasn't even thinking about it, just restless.  I am starting to wonder now about ADHD or Autism given her "wrongness" when it comes to Social Situations and highly controlling behaviour, but I'm really not sure, and again, I don't want to be right about that.  We are waiting to see Community Paediatrician at the moment, but we've been waiting a while!

Bladelet has been out of sorts and difficult for various reasons I'm quite aware of, which makes it easier to make sense of and be patient about (deliberate complete naughtiness about everything has been testing!)

But, I'm feeling on a bit more of an even keel.  I recently had a coil put in to help with terrible periods and try and put off a hysterectomy.  I've been pretty low the last month or two and felt absolutely rotten when I had it put in.  I had terrible bleeding for about three weeks, together with awful mood swings which I'd put down to the hormone component of the coil and I was considering getting it taken out.  I then miscarried.  I had no idea I was pregnant when it was put in but must have been about eight weeks judging from the size/development of the foetus when I miscarried and in retrospect thinking about the previous two unusually light periods.  I've always been careful about contraception given the disaster a biological child would have on our family, however remote the chances, so it was a complete shock.  

I do feel quite low about the lack of any further children, and I would love a little baby to bring home and protect from all the issues Wyxling in particular has, but I firmly believe we made our choice and having done so it would be extremely selfish and grossly unfair on our children to bring a biological child in the family given Wyxling's needs and insecurities so in reality it probably removed a very difficult decision from the equation.  While I want another child, I want another child through adoption.  Odd really, that for me, now, a biological child would have been the "second best" option, but I'm still upset on losing that third child I want because however unlikely it was, it was the only option.  I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that another child isn't going to happen.  SS would never place with us again I'm sure, and my husband has categorically ruled it out, but I want another child. 

In my head in daydream mode, in a couple of years time when Wyxling and Bladelet are happier and more settled, which they do continue to become despite everything, birth Mum has another and I get to bring home their brother or sister when they're just a tiny baby, and everyone is happy.  It's a daydream, I know that, but I don't want to close the door on the idea of more children.

I love my children and I'm trying to make the most of them while they're little, as people keep telling me I should whenever I dare to complain about anything that's tough, but some days I just wish there was more to enjoy and that they would let me be the parent I so desperately want to be.  I have so much love, time, playfulness to give, and it's tough when it just gets thrown back in my face in a torrent of defiance, sullenness and rejection.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I am so sorry for your loss. It's complicated and like you a bio child would be a disaster for my eldest however that doesn't diminish your loss or the stress you've been through and it must be incredibly hard on top of daily challenges. Massive hugs.  I understand the additional child thing it's the only aspect that still bothers me that I can't choose to expand my family.  There's no way my eldest would cope with introductions etc. However Ifeel I have space in my heart for another.  But I think I know it wouldn't be best for us plus DH says flat no too xxxx


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## Helend75

Oh Wyxie,
I've been reading your updates for the best part of 2 years with a mix of emotions but am responding today as I just feel such sadness for you right now - what a dreadful time you have been having of late (& yet still a desire for a third child through adoption). 
I have every confidence that your children are at the forefront of everything you do, every battle they have & hope a more settling time lies ahead for you all.

I'm so sorry for your loss, be sure to look after you in all of this x


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## Sq9

Xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Very sorry to read this Wyxie. Despite all you say a loss is a loss, even if the loss is really the reality that you won't be expanding your family in all likelihood. Plus the battering your body and hormones all take make it a very hard time. Sending healing thoughts and love to you and your family xxx


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## gettina

You must have so many emotions flaring up and sinking down at the moment. Sending love at a strange and difficult time. I'm sorry. 
Gettina 
Xxx


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## Wyxie

Thank you all for your comments.  I've been very hit and miss on the forums lately but I do read and I do appreciate it.  We are having our ups and downs at the moment, and Wyxling's difficulties seem to be evolving as she gets older.  

I have finally got round to doing something I have been meaning to do for a while, and setting up a blog instead of using this diary, which I think it probably more appropriate for what I post and have to say these days.  I have put a link in my signature if anyone is vaguely interested, although how often I will update it remains to be seen, at the moment I have a lot I'd like to say - so nothing new!

I hope everyone is well.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Wyxie

Just wrote a huge long letter to Social Services setting out all my complaints with how they are treating us (me, in particular), and was talked out of sending it by my husband, who feels that confrontation isn't the answer.  I have instead sent a very short email very politely asking for a couple of things, including that future meetings are recorded so that they can stop bloody lying about what I said (didn't put it like that), and that we are actually present at the professionals meeting they want to have without us present, so they can all talk about us no doubt.  I am now feeling incredibly bitter about the whole thing, but hoping that somehow, at some point, they actually complete the assessment of needs and we get a therapeutic assessment which is the carrot being dangled and keeping me holding in there and not telling them where to go.

Just so much frustration, upset, anger, and most of all tiredness.

Tomorrow I need to go for a tetanus shot, because today my son bit me hard enough to draw blood.  I wasn't cross with him or doing anything other than try to very gently move him along and get him home, but I'm sure SS would say that it's my over-anxious parenting that leads my kids to behaving like this.  If only I was calmer - not sure how I would be with Bladelet at the moment as I seem to be finding superhuman calm and have been both very proud of myself, and totally dismayed that it makes no difference at all to his behaviour - this wouldn't be happening.

Just fed up.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I think having a meeting without you is neither practical or moral. Would an old work colleague shot in on a couple with you might scare them into behaving a bit better if they feel a lawyer is present and recording What's said.  Hugs hope the shot isn't too painful.  My youngest bit my thumb and made it bleed the other week it hurt for days.  Xxxx


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## Primmer

Wyxie - to have a meeting without you present, particularly when most of the professionals there will not have met with Wyxling does seem a little pointless and ineffective. You witness her behaviour every day and can explain how a therapeutic assessment will be beneficial to both Wyxling and to you all as a family. The fact that you continue to fight so hard for your little girl (and your little boy) demonstrates what an amazing parent you are xx


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## Wyxie

Well the good news, sort of, is we have the assessment through without the professionals meeting.  The bad news is of course that it's my parenting that making things worse.  I knew the report would say this, but having it in black and white and knowing it's going to go on our daughter's file is another thing.  A real low point in an already difficult few weeks.  It's all about the negative and nothing at all about the calm and patience and love in the face of a torrent of horrendous behaviour and physical abuse for the last three years.  I'm also feeling a little sold out by Wyxling's nursery.  The recommendation is for a therapeutic assessment, I know I should be happy about this, but at the moment I just feel so down.  Of course I am sure this would just prove to Social Services that they are right about me.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs is there anyone you can get as an advocate for you in the situation.  I don't know if this is something AUK ot another charity offer but if so they should.  I'm thinking in the style of a union rep for anything employment based just someone who is an independent witnesses has some authority and can say no when people are breaking the rules that we aren't necessarily aware of.  I'm sorry about nursery that's a real toughie especially as I imagine your son will be going there as of September so you still need to work with them.  Xx


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## Barbados Girl

Wyxie, how unfair. What exactly are they saying you should have done?


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## Primmer

Wyxie - pleased that the recommendation is for a therapeutic assessment but so angry on your behalf that the assessment indicates that your parenting is somehow making things worse. What I know from your posts and your blog is that you parent with an amazing level of both patience and love that I am in total awe of. Keep faith in your own amazing abilities, do not let them knock you down xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the replies.  After a dreadful night's sleep I decided to speak to the head of nursery this morning about their contribution to the report and said I was very disappointed that these views had been expressed for the first time to the SW, not to me.  Said Head of Nursery said that they had absolutely not said that they felt my parenting was making things worse and it would appear that their remarks have been either misinterpreted or taken completely out of context.  The professionals meeting has been set up for next week, so let's see how that plays out.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad you've spoken to them hopefully the professional meeting will be a useful opportunity for frank discussion although from having attended a lot for work I find most people are quite spineless at standing up to others xx


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## Wyxie

Yeah, likewise.  There's no real advocate for us there, the HV and SW are very much in agreement, the HV knows the SW manager professionally from some years back and has told me she thinks I need to "chill out and go back to work".  I am hoping the head of nursery will be more sympathetic.  I am really hoping my husband can attend.  Things are somewhat hectic for him in work at the moment and as usual it's very short notice, but if it doesn't happen now it's after the holidays and that's at least a six week delay in us getting anywhere so I guess we just have to go with it.  It turns out that while the assessment has been written, this meeting needs to happen before any request for funding can be made, apparently, so I guess we just see.  Essentially it is a meeting to discuss how they can get me to see that it's my parenting which is the main issue, and what "support" can be offered in the form of people to get me to see that if I just chilled out and let the children play (oh god, if only they would) everything would be just fine.


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## Wyxie

I had Wyxling's end of nursery report today.  It was stunning, absolutely amazing.  Part of me is incredibly frustrated at the difference between home and nursery but that's a longer more thought out post for another day because I think I am starting to understand more of the reasons why.  But while I'm sure there will be huge amounts of stress, her general achievement level and cooperation bodes really well for at least the early years of school and I'm so proud of her for everything she's managed to achieve.  She is bright, capable, and generally polite, well behaved and liked.  I know this, but it's still nice to see it in writing.  Really though, what I would love her to be is happy and relaxed, but maybe in the future we'll get there.


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## Sq9

Well done wyxling and well done to you for everything you do to help your children achieve their best  . Good luck for the meeting and I really hope the powers that be see sense. You are amazing


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Well done Wyxling and you.  Xxx


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## Wyxie

Sadly, home is not so great.  I get good time with both of them when they're separate which is wonderful, and Wyxling can be affectionate and at times we can have fun together, but together the kids are just a nightmare.  The only way they will play is full speed running, screaming, carrying, throwing, dragging, jumping on and hurting each other.  They get incredibly high and hyper and just totally ignore any of my attempts to calm them.  I am trying my best to give calm choices and stress indoors v outdoors behaviour, but all to no avail.  They barely even acknowledge I'm there and talking.  Wyxling is largely the driving force behind it, and just runs round laughing telling Bladelet to ignore me and do x, y and z.  He needs no encouragement to misbehave and inevitably ends up in a horrendous hyper state just screaming, throwing things, crashing into stuff, slamming doors, throwing furniture, climbing furniture, flicking lights on and off, turning the taps on, grabbing everything, he's just completely out of control.  

Wyxling has to have attention all the time, and is incredibly physical when I try and play.  If I do get Bladelet to sit and do something calmer with me she literally climbs all over me the whole time, pulling and pushing and trying to drag me around.  She's also been like it with MIL and Mum when they've visited recently and she's been made to share their attention with Bladelet more than she has in the past (i.e. we've pointed out that they need to give Bladelet attention too even if he's less demanding in some ways).

The only solution I have is to keep them outside as much as possible and separate them when it gets too out of hand, which is difficult, and I just end up feeling like the mean Mummy all the time, continually talking about consequences, because if there is no consequence to not cooperating, she absolutely won't cooperate with me.  Wyxling is just so continually and determinedly defiant, won't play with toys at all when Bladelet's around, it's just all completely manic and frantic.  We used to get some respite when the TV is on but she's just not interested in it as much any more.

In other news we have the professionals meeting tomorrow.  I'm dreading it, but will also be glad to get it over and done with, I've barely slept for the last week worrying about it, and this level of tiredness is not good for me.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Good luck for today keep us posted xxx


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## Wyxie

Every time I have another email through from our SW blaming me for screwing up our developmentally normal child's life, my mood just hits rock bottom.


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## NancyS

I feel so angry that you are experiencing this attitude from the professionals who are supposed to help - it is shockingly awful behaviour.  Do they really whitewash away the early life experiences of your children as irrelevant?  

It sounds as if they have barely seen you with your children and have done no real assessment of your parenting - and yet are using your perfectly valid and normal anxieties as a way to point blame.  I think all adoptive parents can be anxious - it's incredibly hard when the worst things imaginable have already happened to the children you love - and you have to live with so much uncertainty.  What you need is encouragement and support and even if the social worker thinks you should be parenting differently, she should be advising you in a supportive way that gives you confidence in your abilities.  Her awful attitude is only going to make things harder for you.  

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.  If possible, I think I would try to have a supportive friend or another adoptive parent with you whenever you see your social worker


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## Wyxie

Well, it's been a while, largely because I feel like life has been on hold while we've been waiting for certain things to happen, and partly because I'm just so completely drained from dealing with our son at the moment and don't want to think about how bad things are just now, and my complete total and utter lack of solutions to the problems he is having.  Wyxling's in a muddle too, but I feel like to some extent I understand her, Bladelet's a mystery to me and I am just nowhere.

We have finally had therapeutic assessments done on both kids.  The report in respect of our eldest confirmed our suspicions that she is suffering from PTSD and has an insecure attachment.  There are some other concerns too but those were the main ones, and therapy is recommended.  The youngest was reported as having no attachment to me at all, inability to sit still/settle, and functioning at the level of a child about 18 months younger than he is in most areas.  At the time the report was done I think that someone saying he had no attachment to me at all would have shocked me.  Two months later and I can clearly see this.  He is in a complete state and his behaviour is consistently and continually horrendous for and towards me.  He is just horrible to me, completely horrible.  He is single minded in his continual defiance and determination to do everything he can think of he shouldn't do.  I cannot begin to describe how bad his behaviour is, and in all honesty when he works out how to undo the booster seat that I put him in when I really do need to get something done while he's in the house, like make a meal, or get my shoes on to go out the house, which I simply cannot do with him throwing, destroying, breaking, hitting, kicking, spitting, I have no idea how I will cope.  Therapy is also recommended for him, currently just 12 sessions, which I'm hoping will be extended.  We will also receiving support in therapeutic re-parenting with one hour a week sessions for at least 24 weeks.  The report was also on us, as Social Services would only recommend that the kids were assessed if we agreed to being assessed to, and the psychologist assessing concluded that there is nothing bloody wrong with us, aside from the secondary trauma and stress associated with parenting our kids.

I am just furious that it's taken so long for us to get help for Wyxling, it's completely screwed Bladelet up living with her.  They have a very unhealthy attachment to each other, it almost reads like the kids have a trauma bond despite never having been placed together prior to being with us.  In fact the person completing large parts of the assessment assumed they had been together prior to being with us because of the unhealthy nature of their relationship.

I am so incredibly, incredibly angry right now.  I should be pleased that someone has finally acknowledged the problems, seen them, and recommended help, and I kind of am, but most of all I'm furious.  Furious with Social Services, school, nursery, the GP, the Health Visitor and everyone else who has refused to see what's blatantly obvious if you actually look, refused us help, and patronised and dismissed me for the last three and a half years.

Absolutely furious.

I hope everyone is well, and that you're having more fun as a family than we are most days.


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## Sq9

Sending you massive hugs wyxie. I'm so sorry it has taken this long for the work to be done and for you to finally get the help your family has needed for so long. We've all said it before, but you have been amazing for your kids and have refused to give up on them when that would have been very easy to do. I take my hat off to you as I think you are utterly amazing. I really hope the therapy starts to improve things for you all and that you are able to enjoy some good family times together over Christmas. Sending you every best wish and the strength to come through to the other side    xxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Firstly  

I am glad things are starting to move forward with the services. The provision of quality child psychotherapy, especially for very young children, is so poor. It is a long journey; I hope you will get the support you need and deserve. Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I am so glad but also furious  at what the four of you  have been put through.  I  understand  completely  the parenting  a child with no attachment  as this is my eldest.  She is without  doubt the most horrible  and  abusive  any human being has ever been to me. Her life is totally  oriented  round how to hurt me although  she is more emotionally  abusive  than physical.  Although  her violence  levels have gone up a lot recently again.  

You  have  done  so well and I'm  always  amazed by how you  keep going  and manage  with  such calm and grace. Every child is different  but there's  an author  I've  been  reading  a lot  of  and it targeted at the  child with  no attachment.  I personally  feel near all literature  is for the very insecurely attached  child the child  with no attachment  in my view ( many disagree ) needs something  totally  different.  The thing I  like about  the author  is while being very positive  and practical  she also recognises  that the totally  none attached  child is hell to live with.  Which for me was very liberating.  I  blamed myself  and was ashamed  for a long time.  So im really  happy  someone  has said what we all know that  your doing  an amazing  job with your two. If you  want details  PM me. Always  here for you xxx


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the kind replies. 

Diva, it's not that he has no attachments, it's just that he has no attachment to me.  They feel his primary attachment figure is Wyxling but that this is transferring to my husband and they are forming the start of a healthy relationship.  He just has no attachment to me.

Having said yesterday that Bladelet was the bigger issue just now, Wyxling has had a difficult weekend and then the worst and most terrifying prolonged incident of going off the deep end yesterday that we have ever seen.  I wish I could get a psychologist/psychiatrist to see her when she was in that state because I honestly do think if they did we would receive a good package of support although I'd be concerned they may wish to take her into hospital.  I just hope the weekly sessions we have coming in the New Year, fingers crossed, are not too little too late.  If things continue to deteriorate as they have done over the last couple of months we will not be able to keep both children in the same house for much longer.


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## gettina

Just hoping you are all doing alright Wyxie with things moving in a positive direction. Sending love, gettina X


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## Wyxie

Thanks gettina, I hope you're well too.

We're finally getting some support, I'm just hoping it's not too little too late.  We're hanging on to things by our fingernails here and we have had to talk about what if one or both the children get seriously hurt and/or back in care.  My husband thinks we're very close to things breaking down, and at times I agree as I increasingly find myself in completely unmanageable situations, but at others I can't imagine things coming to that.

It's doubly frustrating because I feel like the support we're getting could have been incredibly helpful a couple of years ago, but now given the size and age of the kids, the additional time passed, and difficulty managing the children's safety - and mine for that matter - I'm not sure we'll be able to work through things before it all falls apart.  All I can do is keep trying and make the most of the good bits.  We're both exhausted.


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## Sq9

xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

This is the single biggest problem with the process help is to little to late. I often wonder if help had been put in place a few months into my eldests fc placement when fc asked for her to be assessed instead of nearly three years later how different would our lives be. Mostly my youngest eho now is copying a large number of her sisters behaviours and having nightmares screaming dd name screaming dd hurting shaking and sweating uncontrollably. The trauma of witnessing her sister is really screwing her up. 

I have no answers if I  did my own family would be in a far better  state. I never say it to anyone but I know in my heart for my safety there's a strong chance my eldest could end up in residential care when she's older as she grows my ability to hold and restrain will go and then who knows what will happen. Hugs xxxx


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## gettina

Just sending. love. I think about you. Hope the therapy for the children is helping. Worried that it's not.
xx


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## Wyxie

Thanks for the thought gettina, things are tough atm, one day at a time.  Things with tiny are at breaking point but I am holding out hope that an intensive therapy course in a couple of months with both kids is going to help.  We've been assured it should.  The weekly therapy wasn't helping much largely we think because it was only including my daughter and until we can work with them together I doubt we'll see progress.

Hope things are well with you.


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