# Having suicidal thoughts and not sure what to do....



## catloaf

I have had two failed IVF cycles very close together - this past January and March. The first was a BFN and this most recent one was a chemical pregnancy/very early miscarriage - which I took even harder because we had a few days of hope. I even had a bit of nausea and just felt a bit weird. Then one day it just went away. This was two weeks ago and I am still grief stricken and having suicidal thoughts. I keep waiting for the pain to lessen but it's not. 

I am lucky in that my clinic offers free counselling which I have been trying to take advantage of while I can. I am wiped out emotionally and have zero hope for the future. My husband is tired of me being depressed - we found out in August of last year that we needed IVF and have been trying to conceive for 3 years before that. 

I see a very bleak future ahead and I cannot accept the fact that I might never have children of my own. I am racked with jealousy, envy, guilt and shame every time I see a baby or anyone pregnant - I've never felt more sad and alone. I just want to end this pain and feel scared that I have been fantasising about ending it all pretty much everyday. I want to try two more times if we can get a loan but I am afraid that this whole process will break me once it's over. I have had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager and am now 37 so have always been prone to negative thinking. But this feels like there is no happy ending. 

Sorry to be so dramatic but I just don't know where else to turn. My husband is tired of me being sad and tells me that it isn't the end of the world, so I can't even talk to him about it anymore.


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## Rosie11

Hi Catloaf

I really understand what you are going through, but please, if you feel suicidal, see your GP, Counsellor or phone a helpline right away. Remember, this "journey" is tough and can bring up past problems with depression. But those feelings, and this journey, is temporary. Everything could be different tomorrow!

Sorry for your past negative cycles, I know how gutting that is. But you are in a very good position despite them, 37 is young in IVF with good success rates. It's a numbers game and you have to keep going, pushing on through, one day at a time. You could easily be third time lucky, as that's how many rounds it takes most people. 

My partner is also sick of my negative thinking, it feels unsupportive and I also have nowhere else to turn. These boards are fabulous for support, though, and helps you realise you are not alone. 

Have you tried booking in with a new clinic, to get some fresh perspective? Are you in London? If you need someone to talk to I can DM my number if you like

Please look after yourself Catloaf xxxx

Rosie


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## Danaa

Hello Catloaf,I completely understand what ur going trough my first cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy and it was heartbreaking but the pain eases in time.
Pls seek counseling,it will help you get trough this!!
Like the previous poster said maybe a consultation with a different clinic who will have a different approach maybe a bit more aggressive will work for you!is a good thing that you had implantation,it means that is just a matter of getting a sticky baby!!
I wish you good luck and lots of hugs!!


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## dileas

Hi Catloaf, 

Just wanted to write in to let you know you are not alone   Myself and my husband are on a very similar timeline to you as we also received our diagnosis of severe infertility last August and had our first failed ivf/icsi cycle at the end of February (also a chemical pregnancy). I completely understand everything that you are saying and the emotions that you are feeling. I am not sure whether that helps or not but sometimes it helps me when I know that there are other people who 'get it'.

It is often really hard to see beyond the emotional pain we are feeling right now and it can be so hard when people tell us to think positively when we just feel we have no positivity left. The feelings of seeing people pregnant or talk about babies brings up so many negative emotions. I suppose we just have to try to keep the hope alive that one day, in some way or another, that will be us too. I am yet to find anything that eases the pain completely but some things that have been helping me, as well as the counselling are already doing, have been: talking to others in similar situations (mostly through this board but also by letting a few of my close friends and family 'in' on our situation); trying to make myself be social when I can but also not being harsh on myself when I feel I can't; trying to reflect back and remind myself of my strength through this; and carving out space to relax and feel better about myself (e.g. reading a good book or watching a film, doing some exercise, having a day in the outdoors or a day at a spa). 

As Rosie said, try and speak to someone like your counsellor, GP or helpline or someone close to you as well as the support on here. Meeting up physically with people in your local area who are also going through may be something that really helps too. Although we are doing ivf at the moment, one positive thing that has helped me has been speaking with a family who have adopted and who I can see so much love and joy in - they have helped me to believe that there can be light in all this.

xx


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## Greyhoundgal

Hi hun

Failure can feel like a very dark and lonely place  Sadly it's something most of us on these boards have experienced so don't be afraid to share and seek comfort in others going through the same. As others have said it is often a gruelling numbers game  An unexplained diagnosis can be particularly difficult to cope with. There is a wonderful thread by another moderator, agate, which can be a useful thing to read if you want to think about what else might help. To find it *CLICK HERE*

In the meantime, I do think you should seek some professional support. Get an appointment with your GP first thing and they may be able to get you some counselling additional to that of your clinic.

Look after yourself and keep talking 

Grey xx


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## Artypants

Hi Catloaf

I'm so sorry to read you are feeling so low, as the others have said you are not alone and infertility and treatment can take you to places you would never imagine possible. If you are having suicidal thoughts please call the Samaritans rather than suffer alone, their number is 116 123 

I hope you can get some support to help you out of this horrible situation.

Lots of love xx


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## Rio2016

Sending you lots of        x


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## catloaf

Thank you so much to everyone for your messages, am really touched by them! I'm going to call my GP and see if they can help at all. I just feel so lost and incredibly sad every single day - am sure you all know the despair that can take hold of you when you start thinking of worst case scenarios. 

@Rosie thanks for your offer to chat - that's so kind of you! I really hope that things look up for both of us very soon! 

@dileas I have been having tentative talks with my husband about adoption as well - it's quite scary to think about as we're still going to have more treatment but it is comforting to know that maybe it's possible to have a family someday even if the ivf doesn't work. 

sending everyone lots of love xxx


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## Blueberry girl

You're not alone, I could have written that post! And you're extremely justified to feel as low as you do- this journey is a lot tougher than the fertiles could ever imagine, I have found that no-one understands unless they've had ivf treatment themselves. You're going through a process of grieving. Take it easy on yourself.

When you're at your lowest, just remember that there are thousands of women and men out there typing into their computers feeling the same desperation as you. Try to find joy in the small things at first, walks, songs, beautiful views, art, retail therapy, books, films, anything! Heal yourself first, rest and gradually gather up the strength to carry on...easier said than done, currently trying to do that myself!

Sending positive vibes, and healing light.
'It'll be ok in the end, if it's not ok- it's not the end...'
xxx


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## wishfulthinking

Catloaf,

I am rarely on the FF site anymore but I popped on today and saw your post.  I felt compelled to respond.  I was in the exact same situation as you a number of years ago.  I have suffered with severe depression since I was 13.  At 34 my then fiancée (now husband) and I started trying for children.  We had no luck and despite doing everything I could do (change of diet, immune treatments, exercise, multiple IVFs and multiple IUIs) it never worked.  It seemed particularly cruel that in addition to depression I was dealing with infertility as well.  I often felt suicidal.  I had never felt more alone and helpless.  I went to a real life infertility support group, saw a counselor who specialized in infertility and somehow made my way through it.  I honestly still don't know how.  At 39 I moved on to donor eggs.  I know that is not an option for everyone-and it certainly was not my first choice.  I was extremely lucky to have success through DE and eventually most of the infertility pain receded (it took a long time but eventually it just became a very bad memory).  I still have a lot of problems with depression...just no longer related to my infertility.  Please do whatever you can to protect yourself as you deal with this.  Be around people who are kind, sensitive and supportive.  Do not force yourself to do things that will add to your misery (baby shower etc).  See a doctor/therapist ...go as frequently as you need to.  Do whatever brings you pleasure.  Do what you can to survive this.  You can survive it and will come out stronger for it.  I wish you success and a child.  Please know that your life is important-you are important.  Also know that you are not alone, even though it often feels like it.  ❤❤❤

WFT


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## tily

Catloaf - sending hugs...
I don't have much to add - I'm a similar age with lots of failed and cancelled cycles behind me. Do what gives you joy and try and connect back with yourself. Use all the professional services you need to use along the way and vent on FF anytime. My husband also can't take the negativity so I've learnt to release it in other outlets!!! 
Best of luck with everything. Xx


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## magicpillow

Thinking of you catloaf, it's a horrible horrible place to be in.  I echo what the others say about finding things that give you joy and focusing on those.  I hope you can get some support and help.  Thinking of you xxx


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## catloaf

Thanks again to everyone who replied, I would not wish this pain on anyone but it is so comforting to hear that I won't feel like this forever and that I'm not alone. I know it sounds silly to say but last week I didn't think there was a way out. I am still feeling extremely low but I am trying my hardest to distract myself and at least have stopped crying constantly. My doctor has suggested I go on antidepressants but I'm not sure I want to risk it. 

@wishfulthinking - your story has really inspired me, I will be looking into donor eggs as my next option if IVF doesn't work out. Am so happy it has worked out so well for you  It gives me hope!


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## wishfulthinking

Catloaf,

I am glad I could give you a little bit of hope.  Do what you can to hang on.  Be kind to yourself no matter what.  ❤

WFT


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## Rio2016

Hi Catloaf, 

Just wanted to send you some more      on this Thursday afternoon

xxxx


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## pollita

Hi Catloaf, 

I just want to say that you most definitely are not alone. I for one have had terribly depressive (and somewhat suicidal) thoughts and it's a horrible place to be. Definitely let off steam here where people know what you're going through and can sympathise and support - don't keep it all bottled up because that makes it all so much worse. I know that I have been too scared to approach my GP or a professional because I'm undergoing IVF and I'm so scared that they will put a stop to it because I'm crazy or something! My brother keeps on at me to ask my GP for anti-depresssant but like you I don't want to risk it. I've been on them in the past and they do help, but I don't want to risk any delay or harm to getting pregnant. 

I guess I just want to let you know that you're not alone, it can be a normal way to feel after so much letdown with fertility treatments, and you should seek help from peers or professionals. Sending lots of love to you x


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## bippy11

Hi Catloaf, 

You have experienced a traumatic loss very recently, March is not that long ago, so just remember that it is completely understandable that you are feeling the way you do. MCs and BFNs are devastating. Give yourself the time and space that you need to heal and like others suggested, be kind to yourself and do things that bring you some joy and comfort, whatever that is. Time will help, but it's still very recent, so don't be hard on yourself that you are feeling down. You are doing the right thing by reaching out, and on here, we all understand.  

Along with ff, support groups, councillors, talking to family and friends over the years, I have also found exercise and meditation a great help. I have always done quite a lot of exercise, but only when I started on this fertility journey did I take up yoga and meditation and I think they have really helped me. There are plenty of meditation apps out there, I used headspace which is very accessible and taught me a lot, I have also done a meditation course and now just do my own. every morning 20 mins. Its not for everyone, but if you haven't already tried it, then maybe its something you could give a try if you want. 

Look after yourself, sending you lots of hugs xxx


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## wishfulthinking

Hi Catloaf. It has been quite awhile and I wanted to check in on you.  I hope that you are doing a bit better.


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