# How do I pull myself out of this one?



## moses (May 11, 2007)

Hello

I have a beautiful daughter via ivf in 2004. I have just had my 3rd go at ivf so that I can give her a brother or sister and it has failed. It has hit me so hard. I don't know how to pull myself out of this grief that I feel. I look at my little girl and I love her beyond belief, she is so precious to me. Everywhere I look there are families with brothers and sisters and I feel so sad and guilty. I worry sometimes that I love her so much that if anything was to happen to her I wouldn't want to be here, it is an awful pressure that I have put myself under and I hate feeling like this. I am so grateful for my daughter and really feel for the girls that are just trying for their first baby so why do I feel so low? 

I want to go and have another go at ivf but I feel so negative about it as I have an fsh level of 13 and this time I only got 4 eggs and the only decent egg was highly fragmented. How do I accept that I may only have one child? I am even having regrets about my past in that I wish I'd tried more ivf cycles in my 20s (I only had one go in my 20s when I was 26 years old). I know I can't start regretting decisions I made in the past but it is so hard. Maybe I should go and live in China then I wouldn't feel so alone in my world?!? If any one has any advice, knows any good websites or has some great idea as to how I can get my head around this, please let me know. Thanks for reading. 

Hollie x


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## Scoop (May 26, 2004)

Hi Hollie
I really feel your pain. I had my DS via ICSI two years ago and we were blessed with our BFP first go. Last year we did FET and it failed - I was convinced I was invincible as it had worked the first time. Then we did a fresh cycle just before Xmas. I was devastated when my period arrived on Day 12 of the 2ww.
I am currently stimming on our 3rd fresh cycle and my blood test results revealed on Friday that I am not responding to the drugs. as well as hoped. The dose has been upped and I am back in on Monday to see what's happening.
It is so painful to think I may never give my son a brother or sister. How much harder this is when all around me are happily announcing their second pregnancies.
I have hope. I am clinging to that hope with all my might. I am not a quitter and I will not let this beat me. But not at all costs. At some point I am sure I will know when enough is enough. It's not just the financial cost, but the emotional cost, the obsession with getting pregnant...it's all so tiring.
Hang in there!! It worked once, it can work again. Please know you are not alone and be strong! 
Thinking of you.
Scoopx


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## Hun (Jul 14, 2003)

Hi there Hollie

As you can see from my signature, I had a little boy in 2004, followed by 4 failed cycles. I really do appreciate the feelings you describe. The pain is real and raw, and i feel frustrated that knowing it CAN happen, but it hasn't. We have probably reached the end of the line now. We have exhausted our resources - emotionally physically and financially, I  can't help feeling that it just wasn't meant to be for us - difficult decision to make as I produce lots of eggs and embies, but the quality is generally poor.

I don't think there is an easy way to cope with it, other that focusing on the day to day joys of having a child already, and taking it one day at a time. I have made some positive affirmations to myself to enjoy the rest of this year, make special time for our friends, especially those with children the same age as DS - we've had 12 adults and 14 children over for lunch today  (including a 4 day old baby!). Doing these things can be painful, but it is helping me return to normal and get on with life.

I have also tried to use one of my best coping strategies - not to compare our family to others. Its hard, when friends around you are popping babies out, but fundmentally their situation has no real impact on your own family - we are a unique, strong, happy, threesome, that can face the world despite wishing sometimes that things had have been different.

I hope that you can find some coping strategies that work for you...
Hun xx


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## moses (May 11, 2007)

Thankyou so much for your support, your words have really helped me. Hx


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## ready4Family (May 14, 2004)

Moses,

I so feel your pain.  Our son was born via ivf 2 years ago and we've gone though a failed fet in march and am currently in the 2ww wait again. Like you, I sooo want our Evan to be a big brother.  When we got our negative, I felt like no one understood (outside of ff) and people's attitudes were "well you have one, so just be grateful".  Well, I am so grateful and will always be as he's my life and like you, love him more than anything.  But they didn't understand the pain of infertility and wanting something so bad.  Even dh was upset for a day and then was fine and went on.  Anyways, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.  Sending you a big hug.


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