# How do you do this?



## Kizzy161 (Jun 6, 2007)

Hello,

I'm 40, nearly 41, my DH is 43.  We've been ttc over 4 years.  This year we've had 3 IVF/ICSIs culminating in a BFP last week which became an early miscarriage yesterday.  I can't bring myself to use the term 'chemical pregnancy' 'cos it just seems to suggest that it never really happened and so minimises the pain of finding the delight at an (unexpected) BFP was just a cruel joke.

Partly because of our ages and partly because of the huge emotional, biological and financial cost of treatment, we'd decided that this last time would be just that, the last time.  So now we're faced with the very much unwanted challenge of moving on.

This last year, we've really distanced ourselves from lots of our friends as they have young families and spending Saturday nights going round for dinner while they juggle bedtime and bathtime, us playing the game and reading bedtime stories to their children etc etc began to get too much.  To add to that, I'm not from London (which is where we live) so my friends are too far away to see regularly.  What do you do?  Find new friends or force yourself into denial and make yourself cope with the friends you've got ... and their (of course lovely) children.

How do you manage to not let this damage your relationship? 

This is the board that no-one wants to be on isn't it?

How do you cope with another pregnancy announcement without the jealously, bitterness and plain old sadness for yourselves getting in the way of yet another friendship?

Has counselling been useful or did you just do it because you thought you should and do you think you'd be in the same place without it?

How can you express your grief without making it worse for your OH?

I love my DH v.much and can honestly say that I'd rather be childless with him than any other possibility but we're becoming a right pair of 'Billy no mates'.  So at the moment, as well as the pain and grief of what we're going through and despite support (usually text or phone) from some good friends and family, I just feel lonely and isolated.

How long before you stop feeling like you're living under the black cloud of infertility and feel truly happy?

Karen


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## Lentil (Jun 3, 2008)

Honey - I so dont know the answers to your questions but I really do know what you are feeling as I am also going through the same and have been since last -ive in Sep. 
A holiday to Vegas helped lift the cloud for 10 days (prob cos i was ******!) and then it came back, then my Dad having open heart surgery as that was so worrying I didnt have any time to myself for 10 days and so didnt think about things. Then a new puppy for the first 2 weeks it took my mind of things but now its back.

I stupidly bought a keepsake advent calendar 6 years ago and put it away for 'one day soon' when I thought we would have kids and by now I imagined 3 minimum. Shows how wrong I was.....This is the first year that I have got the calendar out and i feel so sad when I look at it but the time is coming where I have to accept things. We are going to have another icsi cycle in Spring 09 but before that I need to 'sort my head' out in case it doesnt work.........anyway - i started rambling sorry......take good care of u and OH and i would suggest a holiday which involves doing non child friendly things (like vegas) and dont expect to feel better over night. look after u xxxxx


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## kizzymouse (Jan 13, 2006)

I feel EXACTLY the same as you hun.

I have no answers to your questions - we are trying to buy a new house which we couldnt afford if had a baby, to try take our minds off it. I pretend to DH I'm ok, though I do talk about my bfp which turned bfn to him but he says it wasnt meant to be so no point in dwelling, but I cant help it. That was the only bfp I've ever had  

Sending you big hugs


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## topaz7 (Aug 10, 2008)

Hi Kizzy, I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are.



xxx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

hello Kizzy161

I too am nearly 41 and my DH 43 - we have been TTc for over 10 years and not a sniff of a BFP - The things you wrote about feeling like "billy no mates" rang so many bells - but it is only natural to feel the way you do - well I say that because it is natural to me, because I too feel that way - as for when you will feel true happiness again, you have been through the last 4 year culminating in your MC, then it will no doubt take some time and you will have ups and downs. I don't want to waffle on abouot myself but thought if I wrote what i feel that it may make you feel that you are not without friends - you ahve them here on FF, it is just that we are not physically there for you t give you a hug - but we do understand and do not judge.

I am about to have some counselling though i am not sure that it will be totally helpful because it does depend on the skills and understanding of the counsellor - I have never found it easy to hear about other's pg - the receipt of announcement cards always led to tears and feelings of despair and the green eyed monster would rear its ugly head and make me feel ten times worse for being so jealous of another's happiness. My only consolation now is that it seems that everyone who was going to have babies has done so - so now we just have to wait for the anouncements of grandchildren! I was 20 when my mum was my age and i just cannot believe that i am here now, still longing for a child of my own and not one in sight! 

I do not know the answer but can only say that you must do what is right for you - if that means protecting yourself from having to spend time with friends who have children, then so be it - if they are true friends they will try and empathise and organise things so that you can see them without children and do nights out where it does not revolve around their children. When you feel better, you can resume normal contact and just give yourself space to be able to say, "I am sorry but I just can't cope with this today..." 

We decided this year to do just that and put ourselves and our needs first purely as a method of self protection - it all got too hard - it did mean that we have lost "friends" but to be honest a great weight was also lifted. It was a quiet Christmas and New Year but not sad - for the first time no pressure to "do the right thing" and surround ourselves with the joy of other's children etc..... we are actually looking forward to a New Year without those pressures.

I hope that you find your path to the happiness you speak of - and when you feel lonley and isolate, post here and there will always be someone to help.

Nbrxxx


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Kizzy,

I know exactly how you feel and yes, we're pretty much 'billy no mates' too and for the same reasons. That's been the case for a few years. It just got so that I couldn't bear to see friends with their children.
Unfortunately, we're now getting just old enough to have to endure the grandchildren announcements, as some of them are starting very young! It doesn't help, really.
Like nbr1968, I can't cope with other people's pregnancy announcements. The most recent was my neighbour, who announced the news on Christmas Eve. We've been trying to conceive for the same amount of time and she already has a son. I can't help the feelings of jealousy and yes, I blame myself for them but I guess they're natural. 
I'd agree that you have to protect yourself. Don't do anything that hurts. Real friends will understand. It's good if you've got friends who can talk about something other than their children for an evening but not everybody can seem to do this. I find the best way is to grit my teeth for all the usual talk about schools, achievements, etc and then change the subject. I don't have nieces or nephews who are children but there are children in the wider family and even hearing about them hurts at times. 
I hope 2009 brings us all some peace. 

Rowanx


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