# When it goes wrong and you get the BFN



## badswimmers (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi everyone, this morning we have had our 2nd and last treatment.

We both thought we had coped ok. Unfortunately after this second treatment I have learnt what is the hardest part for me.

I know this might not apply to everybody and bless you if you don't have any, but for me telling the parents is the hardest part.

First I had to tell my partners mum because she knew she couldn't cope with doing it. That was ok because I told her at the start she could hang up on me and speak to me later and then I broke the news. That suited her because she took advantage of the hanging up option and could go and let herself deal with the news.

For me it was hard doing the man to man thing as I had my dad on the phone. I kept it together, we briefly had that part that a lot of you will understand where nobody knows what to say. Then after speaking to him my emotions came pouring out.

... so my verdict as a man is sometimes it is easy to be strong for your partner and keep it all together but telling the parents or really any people that you are close to is the hardest part of the whole process.

Now we just don't know what to do today, lucky for me I work from home so I can take it easy if I want and go off somewhere or throw myself into work as distraction.

take care all


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## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

It's a bloody horrible thing to have to do no matter what and I entirely understand what you mean about having to tell your parents.  It's not bad enough that I can't have children but it means they won't have grandchildren either - which I know for one that my parents have always been so keen on (urging me ever since I was about 25 to crack on with it - despite the fact that at that point, I didn't even have a partner!).

When I first found out about our IF issues, I really felt guilty for 'depriving' my parents of this as I knew how badly they wanted it.  All their friends have loads of grandchildren and they keep asking my parents when they'll have grandchildren.  On top of this, my brother's DP was born without a womb, so she will never be able to have her own children and I know we are their only chance (so no pressure, eh?!).

Over the years though, we talk about it more and they understand that in no way can I change the way things are and that as hard as it is for them, it's harder for me so they've been really good at (mostly) keeping strong for me/us.  They know what I have to go through so do their best not to make it harder on me even though I know how disappointed they are.

I had never thought about my DH having to tell his parents.  I'm the one who tells mine and we have a good old cry together but it must be different from a male perspective. 

In terms of what to do next, my advice (take it or leave it   ) would to be to be kind to yourselves and take some time to grieve.  When it hasn't worked for us, we tend to go out for dinner or stay at home and get a take away.  Nothing else interferes - no TV, no phones, no internet. We can then talk it over between us, have a few drinks and take time just as a couple.  Cry together, hold each other but allow yourselves to grieve.  I know you feel you have to stay strong but if your DP is anything like me, she'll need to know that it meant just as much to you as it did to her - so, I know it's hard but be strong but also make sure she knows that you're feeling it too (as sometimes staying strong can come across as indifference).  I wouldn't start thinking too much about the future or 'what to do next' just yet.  Give yourselves time to grieve for your loss - most importantly though, you need to come to terms with the fact that neither of you has done anything wrong.  Sometimes it just doesn't work.  It is absolutely no-one's fault.

In terms of throwing youself into your work today- it all depends as only you will know best.  I threw myself into the gym after our last failed cycle.  Not only did I work out some aggression but the endorphins also helped me to cope.

I wish you all the best with this and your onward journey.


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## badswimmers (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi there, thank you very much for offering a reply. Much appreciated.

It's certainly not easy switching off and it does become an addiction even after a setback. We did manage to relax at the weekend and had a nice meal.

We are still keeping to ourselves and it's next week when we'll see the parents again. I think really we are avoiding emotions by not seeing them so soon afterwards but we are happy having our own time without any of the difficult moments of conversation.


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