# Scared of failing this time around



## flappy_godmother (May 29, 2012)

Hello ladies,

It's been a long time since I posted on here but I was after some support.  My hubby and I went through ICSI in 2012 and have been blessed with a lovely little boy.  We were lucky to get treatment on the NHS last time round and despite my outlook on life usually being glass half empty I was so positive that I was going to fall pregnant, and I did, first cycle.
Now the time has come when we are going through it again for a sibling for our little man.  But like a lot of you ladies we are paying for it ourselves.  And all of a sudden this has turned my thinking upside down.  Although we have started treatment all I keep thinking is what if my little frozen embryos don't defrost, or what if it doesn't take.  We don't have much money and have literally one attempt at this.  I keep imagining that I will be letting down my hubby and little boy if I fail. 
Is this just the buserilin talking and are my hormones all over the place or can other ladies understand why I'm like this.  To make matters worse we told everyone last time that we were going through ICSI but this time we decided to keep it quiet just in case it doesn't work and this has meant I have no one to talk to about my worries.  
I don't feel like I can talk to DH as I have done so in the past and he has always said the right things "I love you no matter what happens", "there is every chance you will fall pregnant again" "we've got one beautiful boy even if we don't get another" but he doesn't understand what I'm going through emotionally, and how much pressure I am under.  
Sorry for the waffling but just wanted to voice my fears.  Hopefully they are all unfounded but still there niggling away.


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi flappy_godmother,

Everything you are feeling is totally understandable 
Going through IVF is hard emotionally and physically, no matter what your history, and yes the buserilin certainly doesn't help one's state of mind!  

Just to hopefully make you chuckle..............I remember having to crawl out under a table at a restaurant during my dh's birthday dinner (I was in the middle of a huge table, against a wall, so it was my only escape route ).
I love dh's family and we always get on fine but the buserilin had completely extracted all traces of my patience, control and normal sense of 'calm', and turned me into a crazy emotional scary monster  
It was a discussion around the bill that got a bit complicated that set me off.......''You had such and such, so you don't have to pay so much... I didn't have dessert so that means x-amount blah blah blah''....rather than everyone just splitting the bill equally (something which irritates me normally anyway...but escalated into craziness in my head!)
I literally had to get out of there before I screamed at everyone, so to everyone's amusement I got up, shot under the table.....crawled under everyone's legs and escaped outside to breathe!

The point I'm making in amongst all that waffle is please don't underestimate what's going on in your body atm, be kind to yourself and just know that all the thoughts/feelings/worries you are having right now are completely expected and normal. 
As for you letting your dh and ds down if the tx was to fail, that is absolutely not the case 
If that were to happen, it's the treatment that fails, not you, how can it be _you_ failing when it's something we all have so little control over when it comes down to the outcome. You mustn't let yourself think like that 

There are lots of lovely ladies on this board who I'm sure can totally identify with how you are feeling, so please don't feel alone 
I wish you all the best, and lots of luck for your treatment  

Angie x


----------



## flappy_godmother (May 29, 2012)

Thank you for replying, 
You made me smile and I can relate to your scenario, far too readily.  Well had my first baseline scan and all is going ok, onto the next step. Going to get poked and prodded by an acupuncturist friend who manages to stick a needle in my forehead and the emotions get the better of me and I cry like a baby.  However being able to voice my worries on here is another great way to release my tensions, and without the needles. 
Thank you again. X


----------

