# Going to strangers



## crazy_cat1987 (Aug 20, 2007)

Hi there

After some advice on whether what I'm experiencing is normal. We adopted twin boys 4 months ago and they are now 15 months old. We can tell the bond is definitely developing and they call us Mum and Dad, they are very affectionate and loving and often come for kisses and cuddles. Whenever I take them out to a soft play they always go to strangers. It makes me feel like they aren't sure who they're supposed to be with despite knowing I'm 'Mum' at home. I had considered they are just really sociable babies as FC had plenty of visitors and 10 people in her home at any one time! I had hoped they would do this less often as time went on but it doesn't seem to be the case. People are always more than happy for them to sit on their knee or pick them up but it embarrasses me sometimes! Any help/experiences would be greatly appreciated xxx


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi crazy

Sympathise with you as my youngest was like that. Taken into care at 8 months having been essentially given little attention, seemed a happy soul toddling off by themselves. Would often go to the first person directly in their path, or more bizarrely random men or old men (FC influence there as they were mature).Sought out one guy 3 months in at our local library, who was sat reading to his daughter, stood between his legs and called him daddy  Was mortified, although have to admit there was a resemblance to my other half!
I made sure that I was always hovering around, let me do the mothering and cuddles if hurt, lots of bonding at bedtime, and now 6 months down the line, he is eyeballing me more, if someone picks him up crying he wants me, comes to me for everything. Now he is a little defiant terrible 2 wretch at times, but we have made lots of progress. I take them to play sessions based on parent/child interaction/ bonding and that + time I think has really helped. 
Keep at it, it takes time for that bond and trust, but it will come.

Btw mine is also a terrible flirt with girls and he completely charms people, at home it's 'where mummy' all day so I don't mind him being sociable when we are out!


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## crazy_cat1987 (Aug 20, 2007)

Ah thank you for your response, at least I know this can resolve itself and he will start coming to me rather than randoms! I suppose I'm being a little impatient as it is early days... Thanks again xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

My DD wasn't like this but DS was in the early days. He was only 5 months old but like your boys he was from a very busy foster home (again around 10 people at any one time) and just went to anyone. I reigned it in and didn't let family hold him for ages and spent time just bonding. It was very tricky as also had DD who was 16 months old (11 month gap) and had only been home four months herself. I think it is normal to an extent as I've noticed loads of kids have gravitated to me since I became a mum; I suddenly have 'safe status' I guess to the little people as I have my own kids, so that may be part of it. I'd look more at how your bond is when you are alone and if it seems as you would think it should be. For example DD took a long time to really hug me and snuggle in, I was the physical opposite of her FC; when these things started to happen I knew we were getting there.

It takes its time and in a few months time you'll probably look back and think 'we weren't quite bonded then but we are now', so just keep going as you are and it will fall into place. I'd say DS didn't really bond in a deep way with DH until our first family holiday when he was 11 months old, having been home from 4-5 months, whereas he bonded with me much faster. 

Don't worry about it too much, it honestly will all come together with time. 18 months on and I have to ask myself if I really didn't give birth to my children as they are so very much 'our children' that it seems weird to me that we didn't conceive them!


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Hi Hun I wrote a similar thread a few months back with my LO same age as yours. After the initial going to strangers phase he turned into my lovely little cling on.

All children go through it, some more confident to go to others whether adopted or not...

Most embarrasing moment was 4 months into placement he put his arms to a lady on a park & she actually picked him up!!!!!!! He then refused to come back to me...


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

crazy_cat1987 said:


> Hi there
> 
> After some advice on whether what I'm experiencing is normal. We adopted twin boys 4 months ago and they are now 15 months old. We can tell the bond is definitely developing and they call us Mum and Dad, they are very affectionate and loving and often come for kisses and cuddles. Whenever I take them out to a soft play they always go to strangers. It makes me feel like they aren't sure who they're supposed to be with despite knowing I'm 'Mum' at home. I had considered they are just really sociable babies as FC had plenty of visitors and 10 people in her home at any one time! I had hoped they would do this less often as time went on but it doesn't seem to be the case. People are always more than happy for them to sit on their knee or pick them up but it embarrasses me sometimes! Any help/experiences would be greatly appreciated xxx


I am going to disagree here. Happily going to complete strangers and wanting to be picked up/cuddled/kissed is not totally normal behaviour, and I would personally reign it in. My son used to do this and has got progressively worse to the point he would take a complete stranger's hand and walk off with them(!). He would choose me if he was upset, but when out and about he will always go to older women and try to interact, cuddle, kiss, climb on knees. It is not a normal part of child development to this extent and it's sensible to reinforce that it's Mummy he comes to for cuddles etc. It can be difficult but I do move him away from others even if it sometimes causes a huge tantrum. I have simply said "no, we don't go to strangers" and when a couple of people have told him that it's fine, I've corrected them. The explanation I give to others varies, and is sometimes is pretty vague with people who don't understand the situation, and sometimes quite clear to those who do; he needs to get used to Mummy and Daddy first. People just see a lovely sociable little boy, but don't understand that actually, that's not necessarily the case. If my son gets very upset I explain that he's a lovely cuddly boy, but we don't know x very well, and Mummy or Daddy will always be there to give him all the cuddles he needs.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

I'd agree with Wyxie, my daughter has been a bit indiscriminate with strangers since she came home at 2 and 8 mths, aged 4 she still needs to be reminded. Seeing her stroking the face of a friend of a friend that she'd only just met was actually quite uncomfortable and really shows how insecure her attachment is...
Maybe if stranger awareness had been introduced at a younger age it wouldn't be such an issue now


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

4 Months is early days still, for us we avoided soft play environments for a long time!  Its too 'free' for our lo's who should still be stuck to mummy and bonding! 

Both of my children were too friendly with strangers in the first few months, ds went to a man and gave him a hug, dh was crawling after him and he crawled straight to another man and sat on his lap for a hug    That was at softplay, hence my view on them not being a 'safe place' for insecure children.  

I found it helpful to write a list of places and activites we could do together that would be beneficial for bonding, I'd thoroughly recommend swimming, I appreciate it may be tricky with 2 but you could try them in swim seats or rubber rings.

But back to the question, no it's not 'normal' but i'd say it is normal for our children    It is our job to teach them what is and isn't safe. 

xx


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

We had the same issue with our DD. She'd quite happily crawl onto strangers' laps at soft play places and she would reach out for anyone to pick her up. She often wouldn't want to come back to me, which was surprisingly upsetting.  

She's been with us 9 months now and I'm happy to say that she very, very rarely goes to a stranger now. She can still be a little overly familiar with people she's only met a few times or only sees rarely, but I'm not quite as concerned by that.  We basically did what others have suggested and took her away as soon as we saw her about to go to anyone. We ensured that we did all the 'care' tasks; nobody else changed a nappy or fed her for a long time and even now it's only MIL and FIL who get to do that kind of stuff.


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## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Hi Crazy Cat, 

I agree with Wyxie too.  Going to strangers for comfort isn't normal behaviour and after just 4 months your attachment is probably quite fragile. Soft play areas are great for active kids but in the early days I'd try to stick to activities where your boys are only with you and rely on you for comfort.  Swimming is great, as is showering together for skin to skin contact (if no previous sexual abuse), long walks with boys in the pushchair facing you, cooking and crafts. 

I literally followed DD around like a shadow for months and when we ventured to public areas with other children and adults we didn't give her the opportunity to even look at another adult.  We were very protective of her and after nearly 2 years I still use theraplay techniques to deepen our attachment.

Have you looked at theraplay techniques to help your attachment with your boys? In the meantime I would recommend avoiding soft play (they still make my DD a bit unsettled) and focus on activities that allow you to keep them close. 

Good luck x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm sorry you've had this worry. ((((hugs))))

Personally I don't think this is really a matter of children knowing what is safe in terms of strangers, it's an attachment issue. Which doesn't mean of course that there's a long-term problem or an attachment disorder.

If you're interested, have a look at this, and scroll down to the bit about "Results - Attachment styles." http://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html

Don't fret - if you work hard on your bonding/attachment and make sure you keep your LO close while they settle, things will easily resolve. We watched a video about attachment at prep, and I remember they said that even a birth child with no issues is not really firmly attached until they're well over a year old...  It's a marathon, not a sprint.

I'm sure you'll soon have a Klingon. 

(side note, our SWer said after the fact that I shouldn't have bathed with Bug before the AO, as it's not allowed. I think that's stupid, and told her that it was in his best interests and I would probably do it again.... she accepted that, but had to repeat that it wasn't something that was 'allowed')

/links


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

AoC, you speak a lot of sense  

X


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

(Mostly I just copy Wyxie.....  ;-) )


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