# new here & my letter to motherhood



## endosisterliz

hi all
Am new to this site, am 16 weeks post hysterectomy following a diagnosis of stage 4/5 endometriosis,  I am feeling rather lost.
This week I wrote a letter to motherhood and I wanted to share it with people who might understand 

Hope you are all okay today xx

Dear Motherhood
As I write to you today, I can hear in my head the children’s nursery rhyme ‘ring o ring of roses’ , not sure if this has symbolic meaning as it has links with the plague or if its simply a childhood song.

It is taking me some time to understand where I am at, I don’t believe I truly understand,  I can only believe I am part of the way there.  It has taken me several attempts to write to you today.  I have decided to give you a name – that way you are more real than just fictional. So motherhood or ‘Mo’ for short.    Not having you in my life hurts more than I could ever imagine possible.  How can I miss something that I have never really had?

There are so many questions that I have unanswered – if I had met you then they would never have been asked.

What would you have looked like, would you be kind hearted or a dictator? Would you have had more than one or would one have been enough? Would you make me feel fulfilled and the woman that I so desperately crave to be? Would you have given me that purpose that I miss?

‘…… a pocket full of posies’

Do you remember how as a child I would play with my tiny tears, singing nursery rhymes,  cuddling my toys as if they were babies.  Playing innocently,  enacting what I took as a given to be my future, my destiny. The nursery rhyme “then comes love and then comes marriage, then comes Susie with a baby carriage”  I never for one moment thought that my baby carriage would be empty.  To me ‘Mo’ you are like a best friend who has always been there, and who would always be there no matter what pathway my life took, relationships may come and go but Motherhood is a given.  You and I would go hand in hand.

My dream of meeting you is like the nursery rhymes; just fairy tales.  My belly would never swell due to pregnancy, Duncan would never stroke and talk to the ‘bump’ or hold us like his life depended on it.  I never questioned that one day I would be a Mum I always believed I would make a fab Mum and Duncan would be an awesome Dad.

Yet as I write to you today, I know that this dream is over,  I am infertile. Strangely it feels good to tell you this.

After years of wanting to meet you I need to accept that this is not going to happen.  We need to let our friendship move to a different stage, I need to stop being defined by what I thought we had and begin a new relationship with myself.  I don’t say this easily,  you and I have so much history.  You have been my past, my present and my future.

A new future, a different future now lays before me.

Losing our relationship had been a silent death,  bit by bit it has fallen away, following years of miscarriages, treatment, operations and turmoil.  Friends and family around us know some, but not all of what you have meant to me and to us.  Its only recently that I have been able to be more vocal about how I feel about you and how I feel about losing you.

There are no words that can articulate how I feel about the loss of our friendship , of the mixture I feel emotionally done in, raw, empty, tired and scared.  Scared because I don’t know what is next for me, what is my purpose ?  I don’t wish to be defined as the person who is infertile, it seems such a cruel word.

Duncan and I spoke of our friendship with you yesterday,  he said that he no longer wants us to be thought of as the couple who can’t have children.

I was frightened by this statement because ‘Mo’ ;  if I am not the woman who is infertile then who am I?

I know that whilst I continue to think about you I cannot begin to discover what lays ahead for me in my new life. I don’t know who I am,  but I know that I have to begin to find out.

There is a huge part of me that is ashamed for my inability to carry a child,  I feel I have let our friendship down by not keeping my part of the deal.  Guilt lays heavily on me.  When I think of the babies that we have lost I am consumed with love for them,  much more so than ever before – it is like now I am talking to you about my next stage I am passing them to you ‘Mo’ for safe keeping, I know you will care for them and love them in the way that I do.  I feel privileged  that I can ask this of you.

No one said it would be easy,  its the hardest thing I have ever been through, its the toughest thing my relationship has faced, if I allow myself to think about it I wonder how I can put one foot in front of the other.  Thinking of you and our friendship makes me feel stronger, it feels safe and where I want to be.  Thinking of what is next for me makes me want to shut the door and hide,  yet I know I have the strength within me to re define my life,  I owe it to myself, my husband and my friends & family to move on from this.

………… ‘atishoo, atishoo, all fall down’

I am not going to fall down, it may take me sometime, but even by writing to you today ‘Mo’ I can feel the strength it is giving me.  There has to be life after infertility, albeit not what I dreamed of when I was playing in my wendy house with my tiny tears but there is a life.  There are many iconic women out there who are not defined by motherhood, somehow I need to begin connecting with the idea that I am a woman, this will take small steps and courage.

Thank you for being part of my life, thank you for showing me what love is and what true hurt feels like.  Thank you for helping me to understand what has defined me for all these years. I cannot imagine a moment, hour or day when I won’t think about you and our friendship,  I am and always have been accepting of what we have had.

Dreams are as precious as life, my life has been full of our dreams, just because we are at the end doesn’t mean the dream will stop it will just evolve.

I miss you

Love always and forever

Me


----------



## lollipops

Liz,


I am not in your position & I hope it doesn't offend you by replying but I just wanted to say a few words.

Your one hell of a strong courageous lady that deserves happiness. And I'm sure you'll find it. What a beautiful letter, it brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry for all you've been through, its so cruel how life can be. But as I said I sence a huge amount of strength within you, you'll make it through this dark stage & come out the other side.

Your letter to motherhood will comfort many.....

Huge huge


----------



## Sam1971

Oh Liz

What a beautiful and moving letter  . You sound like an amazing lady and I hope you future is a very happy one albeit different from what you imagined.

I'm sure all of the ladies on here can relate completely to what you say. I know I certainly can.

Much love and  

Sam xxxx


----------



## Mamaji

Liz

Your words touched me deeply and made me smile happy tears when I read the bit about tiny tears.  I had the same dreams, the same wendy house, the same tiny tears ... I used to mix up baby powder and water to use as her food ... I would talk to her the whole time (mum tells me I was only two) telling her that I was making her lovely food ... then I would feed her the "baby food", give her a bottle, sit her on the edge of my knee (the way I saw my mum do with my baby sister) and pat her back gently to encourage her to break wind, then she would be placed on my chest with a shawl wrapped round her, I would give her head gentle kisses and rock her back and forth humming Brahms lullaby to her (I think it was the music that was used to advertise tiny tears on tv).  Then I would gently place her in her carrycot and cover her with the shawl ... whispering I love you baby.... sleep tight dont let the bugs bite.  Then I would curl up in my wendy house beside tiny tears' carrycot and go to sleep beside her so that I would hear her crying.  So innocent ... so loving ... so trusting ..... so accepting in my own child's head that one day I would be doing all of these things with a real baby .. my baby .... but it's not to be!

The process of acceptance is painful, at times I have felt like my whole body is a walking wound which re-opens constantly whenever I heard a child cry or laugh, or saw a pregnant woman, or held my sister's children, or saw 16 year old girls on Jeremy Kyle popping babies out and not being able to care for them.  Through counselling and giving myself permission to really feel the pain... I truly believe that I am walking along the path towards acceptance ... it is possible.

I feel such a sense of empowerment coming from you and strength.  Life will indeed have other plans for you, unexpected, exciting ones.  My counsellor says to me "you will only every attract lessons to you in life that you are able and ready to cope with; they will serve to enrich your life for the good".  I believe this... the grieving process has changed me... I have always had compassion for other people... but my heart seems to have got bigger!!  It's as if through releasing my own grief and pain. ... I have created so much more space inside my heart to give love to myself and to other people and it feels amazing!!!!!  I still have sad times, my period coming every month is difficult .... I found a book which spoke of native american indian women who used to speak of their period as their moon time.  Every month when their moon time came, the women would gather together and allow themselves to weep, to support each other, to let go of anything which had hurt during that month and to imagine it all being released with the blood.  I have been choosing to nurture myself when my period comes... to allow the tears to come .... to love and nurture me the way I tended to Tiny Tears.

I can so identify with what you say about not knowing who you are, feeling no sense of identity.  I hadn't realised that so much of my identity was wrapped up in becoming a mum.  You say that you are looking to other iconic women to gain inspiration from .. the first person I think of is Mother Theresa ... the epitomy of the love, compassion and tenderness of a mother ..... she was never a biological mother but her heart nurtured thousands of people  

Your letter to "mo" is inspirational Liz and I am imagining wrapping you up in a huge  

Sending you lots of love

Nic xxxxxxxxxx

Sam: Hiya!!! How's things with you?      been thinking about you xx
Lollipops


----------



## endosisterliz

hello all

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your replies,  I am so touched and am also so pleased to say since I wrote the letter on Monday I have felt stronger and stronger each day.  I am so hopeful that I have turned a much welcome corner. 

It has been so great to join this board and see that I am not on my own.  I didnt know this group existed and I have come across it at just the right time. 

Starbaby , Sam1971 & Lollypops am returning your hugs , thank you so much it means such alot and I am so grateful that you took the time to write back to me 

Hope you are all okay



liz xxxx


----------



## hopetobe

had me in tears. I feel like a loving mum but I have no children. I gave up two chances 16 years ago and that really hits me hard. I work with other peoples children and that makes it harder. I still haven't come to terms with it yet. I look to your example and take comfort. thanks.


----------



## Desperate3105

Im sorry if you feel im intruding, but that was the most moving thing i have ever read.  You sound an utterly amazing woman, and i wish you and Duncan all the very best.

Love to you both

Laura xxx


----------



## endosisterliz

thank you - you are not intruding at all,  you are very very kind

I hope that you are all okay at the moment 

big hugs to you all xxx


----------



## DaisyMaisy

Thank you for sharing your letter.  I write this with tears rolling down my face....I had the same hopes, the same dreams, which I know now will never come true.  The hope, the wish, the want to be pregnant is still there, but out of reach.  It is something that I will have to try and come to terms with.....realise that my dreams will never be possible.

Thank you.  I know that I am not alone.


xxxx


----------



## Mummy Noodles!

An amazing , courageous letter. One which I can really relate to. I hope you have indeed turned that corner and are growing positively - as you deserve to - we all do. I am still at the stage of trying to not blame myself, and give up on the dream, the 'ivf rollercoaster' financially and emotionally, is costing my darling husband (he is totaly bereft as well) and I too much. I wish you all the very best in your healing and know that life must have many other interesting things for you in store as to write such a beautiful letter you have many fine qualities. My sister reminds me often - I am a person in my own right and I have many other things to give. My goal is for it not to be lost so we need to walk on positively with our head held high. Afterall what have we done wrong intentially Oh my me ...I hope this makes sense!........ Thanks for your letter, it has helped me understand I am not alone in grief..I am sending you positive vibes....   xxxx


----------



## Susan01

What a lovely post noodles. And I agree it's such a relief to hear other people expressing their hopes and disappointments and knowing that there are other people out there who understand. Such a hard journey.


----------



## endosisterliz

hi all

I never expected my letter to strike  a chord with so many

I hope you ladies are doing okay.  i wish there was something we could do to take this loss away.  It just seems never ending

big hugs 
xxxxx


----------



## harrysmum19

EndosisterLiz,
I have just read your letter and tears are streaming down my face as I write back to you. You are such a brave woman and I admire you so much. As you will see from my signature, we had a beautiful little boy as a result of ICSI but he sadly passed away due to a fatal heart defect. My husband and I have our first appointment at the sub-fertility clinic next week, hoping to start the IVF journey again. We have agreed to give ICSI no more than three more attempts (if both our bodies are ok to commence) before moving on to adoption - for financial reasons as well as emotional. Since losing Harry we have given ourselves 9 months to just be with each other and find ourselves again before embarking on more treatment - I think and I hope that it has been the sensible option. 
So many couples go through life without having children. They are happy and content with their lives as they are and I admire them. I am thankful every day for my amazing husband, my home, my family and my job. But because I have had a taste of motherhood, having Harry for almost 12 weeks, I know that I am not ready to move on yet.
You are a brave and courageous lady, and the people around you are so lucky to have you in their lives. The things that life has thrown at you have made you stronger, and I hope that I am as half as strong as you are.
lots of love,
Lisa xxxxx


----------



## jack12

A beautiful letter that has given us all food for thought and something to relate to. with much love   xx


----------



## barlismum

Dear Endosisterliz

I only came across Fertililty Friends and joined just a few days ago..

I just read your post and it echoed so much of how i have felt re my inability to become a mother..I too suffered with endo for years and despite various treatments along with the slimmest of hopes that i may have become pregnant naturally, i have never conceived...Now i am in my late forties and experiencing the Menopause..As a child growing up and playing innocently with my dolls, i never imagined that my life would remain childless..I always knew i wanted to get married and have at least one or two children, i even used to imagine how it must feel to hear those words " you are pregnant" and excitedly telling my husband and parents the joyous news.. I even had names in my head and so wanted a bump to stroke and to feel a part of it all....Seeing Family,friends,work colleagues etc over the years having their children whilst i sat patiently hoping, waiting for my turn to come but it never did..The sinking feeling and disappoinment month after month and wondering why cant it be me, the sense of loss that noone else can imagine unless they too have experienced it..My infertility has made me feel incredibly lonely and isolated throughout the years but i am thankful to have a good and loving husband and my five year old furbaby who has helped in my moments of sadness...Life goes on and i accept now that it was not meant to be for whatever reason, but there are still times when that ache is still there and a yearning, longing feeling..It passes and i dont seem to allow myself to get sad for too long but i know it will never entirely leave me..


----------



## DoodlePip

Endosisterliz, thank you so much for sharing your letter with us. I'm not really sure what stage I'm at just now, (well apart from being a bit of a mess) but it does help to know I am not alone and  can read posts like yours
Thank you xx


----------



## endosisterliz

Just stopped by -  I dont know where time has gone its been so long since I was here!.

Your replies are heartwarming .... you are all incredibly strong amazing women.  We are all at different stages, I find I take 1 step forward and 3 back.  

Hope you are all coping at the moment 

love to you all
Endosister Liz


----------



## Nosilab

What a truly moving and heartfelt letter, it had me in tears.  You sound like an amazing and very strong lady Liz, thank you so much for posting and sharing your letter.  I hope you have continued to become even stronger since you wrote those words last June


----------



## Tulipwishes

Dear Liz, 

Your letter to motherhood really touched me and actually brought tears to my eyes, so much of what you wrote I could relate to even though my IF is very different to yours.

I wish you and Duncan all the best.

Tulip xx


----------



## sazzasarah

Dear Liz, 
I just stumbled across your letter and wanted to add my voice to the others saying I found it very moving. And very helpful.  I am so sorry you have had to be in the position to write it... but I hope it's a comfort to think that for others of us in the same position, you have helped articulate how it feels so beautifully and it is really a help to read it and know that I am not alone here. 

Your letter helped me and I hope that things are improving for you as I am sure they will over time.

Sarah x


----------

