# Anonymous or open donor



## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

Ladies,

Just finished reading a book - Single Mothers by Choice which also covered a section on anonymous or open donors. 

And just started reading Helping the Stork-the choices and challenges of donor insemination. 

Which choice did you make? And what made you decide for anonymous or open donor? 

Your views are appreciated.

Russki


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

The biggest issue before contemplating is where you have treatment. In uk clinics can only use open donor in that child can have info at eighteen. 

Totally anonymous is available in most of Europe however. 
If youre going to Europe then often it is the wider selection of donors available to you and cost that may influence going for totally anon - are cheaper aand in greater supply than uk clinic compliant ones.

For me its a v difficult choice either way has pros/cons. 

One of my biggest concerns re open was that the donor could well have fathered hundreds of children. Ok is supposed to be limited to ten families in uk but if my child had this fantasy of one day meeting a biological father this could be devastating if one of hundreds - why would my baby count/be significant. Let alone the chance that he would really welcome them into his life when he has his own set up then when atleast midle aged..... a recipe for disaster? Potentially?

Another element was probably my insecurity about what could happen etc. Child could decide to live near donor etc after finding them ec. Though this is less significant tbh as in reality child could emigrate for thiousands of reasons etc by choice.....

Finality I suppose was another factor - if cannot trace thats it - can debate if was right/wrong but thats where it ends. 

Child choice - open gives child choice to choose to trace donor or not......

And finally open/anon can be influenced by whether intend to telll child theoir biological roots..... if not anon can be used..... 

Not sure if this helps as was only my thinking process to make a difficult decision that even today I still ponder whether I made right decision......


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

I've only had 1 IUI with donor sperm but I chose non anonymous donor. It was always an easy decision for me as I didn't want to deprive my child the right to conta t the donor if they so desired when older. I at least wanted them to have that option.
I worried the child would resent me for taking away that choice if I'd used anonymous sperm.

I went to a clinic in Denmark as I didn't like the thought of my child having potentially lots of unknown half siblings running about in the UK and unwittingly having an incestous relationship, however unlikely the odds. This was something that really bothered me and going abroad made me feel a lot more comfortable about it.

It's a personal choice really but it was a easy decision for me.


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

Thanks for your comments so far. I'm still very much pondering about whether to get open or anonymous donor. 

My friend reckons I should go for an open so I would give a chance to the child when he's 18 years old. And like yourself, Heidi, I've decided to seek sperm abroad. I'm very much swaying toward the Viking myself 
I can see your first natural IUI was negative. Sorry to hear that! Are you planning the 2nd IUI some time soon?

I'm still pondering whether to go for natural IUI in December. I'm based in Iraq and trying to purchase a flat in outside of London at the same time. I feel so much pressure and it brings me down. I have my days when I just want to leave Iraq and return to London. But I'm contractually obliged to stay here till end of March 2015. 

Life sucks at the moment.    

Russki


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi Ruski

I am having a HSG scan next week to check my tubes are clear and if all is good ill have my second IUI early Sept and third in October. If they don't work ill take maybe a year off then try IVF. 

I worked in Australia for 14 months and used to count down the days until I could return home so I know how you feel  It wasn't the happiest tine of my life!

How old are you? How long have you been single?


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Please bear in mind that unless using donors specifically from the clinics, then likelihood is the donor WILL more than likely if a non anonymous donor as this would probably be UK clinic compliant and thus could well have siblings in the UK. 

TBH if worried about sibling issue then totally anonymous is the way to go!


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

it's a really difficult choice - I couldn't decide so intially went with open donor but ended up having tx abroad where they wasn't practically so in fact my dd and current pregnancy are from same anon donor - there are strict country guidelines so only 5 children per country are allowed and there's a world widenlit but can't rembered what it is.

I have pangs of what if they are upset about it but at least they can't be disappointed that donor didn't want to be known at 18 - guess its down to
me to bring them up to be able to deal with what ever life throws at them - my heart says that there's no right answer - I actually dislike the open donor is essential for child argument as tbh unless your a donor concieved child how do you know . I also suspect in 20 odd years the prevalence of DNA testing might have put a diff spin on stuff by then !


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

Heidi, I'm 38 years old and been single since last November. My engagement ended up abruptly when I woke up to an email from him! Without giving me any explanation but I figured out that he didn't want to have kids in the end! 

And I always said I'd go frown a SMC route if it came to it. And now I'm in that position I still can't decide for December. I will be working in Iraq and just don't know how this is going to work. I'm feeling torn. 

Life continues to suck. And maybe I should just suck it up  

But still pondering about open or anonymous donor. It's so hard to decide. 



Russki


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

not to make you worry Heidi but I suspect going abroad doesn't mean that your child won't have half siblings in the UK - firstly because lots of English women/couples go abroad for treatment and secondly (and more likely I expect) many foreign donor banks (and especially Danish ones) ship sperm to the UK
morrigan - I had no idea there was a strict country limit (you are, I assume, referring to the country in which both you and I had tx?) - that's good 
Russki - I think it's a decision you just have to come to for yourself. Me, personally, I always wanted ID release donor(s) and had many cycles of tx in the UK for that reason. I wanted my child/ren to have the option to trace their donor in the future if they wanted to. And I had read much of the literature/media that suggests this is the 'best' option for the child. (although I do to some extent agree with Morri that we can't know that yet as there aren't enough donor conceived children to be able to have done sufficient research)
Anyway, long story short I came to the end of the line with tx in the UK and went abroad to improve my chances to success and since the clinic/country I had tx in only offered anon donors, that is what I have (I had both egg and sperm donor)
my twins are currently 3.5yrs and they know that they have donors and that we don't really know anything about them and we won't know anything in the future (when we read our book about it, they always want to know what their names are and I tell them we don't/won't know that) - whether and how this will impact them as they grow older and realise the implications I don't know. And whether it would be 'better' if I could tell them they would have more info at 18, again, I don't know
It is what it is and we'll work it out, one way or another  And I'm guessing if I'd used ID release donors that would come with its own set of complexities (eg them questioning why they can't find out more before 18, donor dying before they find out, donor not wanting contact etc etc)
so as you've already figured out, there are no easy answers here. go with what your heart tells you to do and you can't go far wrong 
best of luck,
Suitcase
x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Hiya, I initially went the Viking open ID Cryos route with my first IVF,  then I changed clinics, my finances and their country rules changed everything and I ended up using an anon donor.

I'm perfectly fine with anonymous now as I'm realistic enough about this to know he is a half my age student with nothing but money on his mind, and will prob have his own wife & family one day.

Would hate to set the boys up with fantasies of this man as how much of what you read on any donors page do you really know to be truthful?? this way it removes the potential and the boys have all of my family that love them beyond infinity and they will always have that guaranteed!

You should see the documentary "Donor X" it was about an American donor who fathered over 50 kids through a Californian sperm bank, the kids found each other on line through his open ID file number, they had this fantasy about him being a great & gifted man and set out to find him, they did  and he turned out to be a homeless heroin addict, he was a mess on the documentary and they all said they wished they'd just kept the fantasy as it really upset them  seeing that made me think twice tbh x


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

I've gone back and forth on this decision so many times I couldn't even count! Ultimately, I decided that I was happy with anonymous donors for personal reasons. As others have said, I did worry a lot about who the donor was and if my child got in contact with them and was extremely disappointed I would blame myself for it. Anonymous takes that away and the child can believe what they want. But I also understand that it's extremely selfish of me to deprive my child of finding out where they came from. 

At the end of it, I ended up having to go for IVF in the UK so it was a non-anon donor as that's all that's available here so the decision was made for me. 

Ultimately, whichever decision you make just make sure that you are happy with it and you can live with it. I strongly believe that the way you feel about what you chose affects your child's view on it.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Russki - I'm the same age as you and started TTC when I was 37. I dont really think we have the luxury of time so if I were you I'd just bite the bullet and get on with it! I actually wanted to put my plans on hold for a while and do some travelling but worried if I left things any longer and ended up not getting pregnant due to advanced age that I'd never forgive myself!  


Can I ask why you're unsure about December?


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

morrigan said:


> there are strict country guidelines so only 5 children per country are allowed and there's a world widenlit but can't rembered what it is.


Sorry the limit is 10 families can use one donor per country - but can have as many children as wish.

I have never heard of worldwide limit.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

10 is the UK limit me, myself, I - it may be different in other countries 
for eg, see here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sperm_donation_laws_by_country - although this does not list info for the country where both morri and I had tx, which is why I was interested in where she had heard that 

/links


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

def 5 as confirmed by clinics sperm bank - suity I emailed them and asked- you might be right it may be a family limit rather than child. every clinic has diff rules and even big Sperm banks use did rules depending on country treating clinic is in.


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Yeah Morrigan it's probably 5 families as one family might produce quads and then a singleton later thru any frozen embryos and it's game over for that donor, a big loss financially to the sperm bank then?


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Thanks for the link Suitcase - I hadn't realised countries had different quotas per donor families. I obviously knew about the quota relating to number of families not live births so was interesting to read that too!

Just to give some hope, I was 37 at the start of my journey. Now at 39, I shall soon be a Mummy (fingers crossed I shall soon meet my long awaited baby boy or girl!)


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Me, myself & I - nice to hear your happy news. I too started TTC at 37 but no joy as yet  Do you mind me asking how you got your BFP? X


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh wow Me myself & I are you overdue now how exciting you should be a mummy within the week  I was 2 months shy of 41 when I got pregnant so yeah def still hope x


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

I love hearing stories of ladies in their 40a getting pregnant because I worry I'm running out of time!


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

You know it's funny Heidi we're all so obsessed by the clock but if you check the census 100 years back it was extremely common for women in their very late forties to be having babies, granted it may have been their 14th child or another scenario is that they were covering up for their teenage daughters 'mistakes', my ex mother-in- law had her last child (no 6) at 47, she thought she'd gone into menopause  he was a lovely surprise!


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks Blondie - Wish there was a 'like' button on this site!


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

You're welcome  and you are still very young in terms of childbearing regardless of what Daily Mail  etc would have us believe, it's a lottery this and your winning ticket is in there just you wait and see x


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Blondie71 said:


> Oh wow Me myself & I are you overdue now how exciting you should be a mummy within the week  I was 2 months shy of 41 when I got pregnant so yeah def still hope x


Yes overdue!

Being older has some physical negatives, but all of positives far outweigh these!

There's loads of hope for women, even when told there's little chance!!!!


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

I also think the same, Blondie (one Blondie to another ;-) and we still have time although don't want to leave it till later. 

That's why I'm still thinking that I'm not 100% ready for December.  

I'm having IUI consultations in Riga clinic in September as I'm curious how things run back at home. 

Currently I've got everything set up at the City Clinic in London. My first un-medicated IUI is scheduled for December but I'm so unsure. Feeling so scared.  

Russki


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Can I ask whether you remain unsure/scared about being a Single Mum By Choice and all that brings OR the physical processes to become a Mum?

Being a SMBC IS a big decision, that involves a lot of planning about how to manage etc, but remember women do this everyday that never intended to, so in many ways going into it with eyes open is light years ahead of ladies who end up there inadvertently.

Is your family on side?

Have you considered counselling? A cousellor may be able to help you talk through concerns you have...


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

I think my biggest fear because of my work. I fly in and out of Iraq every 5 weeks and I spend 3 weeks off everywhere, hardly in London as I'm UK tax exempt. So this projects a huge instability for me as I'm constantly on the go. 
I'm trying and hoping to buy a flat outside of London so I can start think more of a child friendly environment but that proves hard as I'm in Iraq most of my time. 

My family (parents separated) live in Riga. My dad will support me etc but we haven't even talked about logistics of it all. 

I have 2 very close friends, one is a single mum lives in Luton. And the second girl in her late 50s is like a mum to me, lives in London. She's been my rock for the past 16 years (I arrived in London in 199. 

I feel all alone here in a men's dominated world, and even more lonely in London. I feel I'm distanced from London with no support, no network. Feel totally isolated. 

If I didn't take this job almost 3 years ago my life would have been a bit different right now. I'd have started TTC without thinking twice as it's all easier to do things when you're on the ground, when you live "normal" life. 

Life continues suck for me at the moment....

Russki


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Do you have savings that you could use to tide you over if you didn't  work for a year or two? Is giving up work something you would consider? If not, how would you feel if baby is not with you more than it is?

DO you have a preference of where you would live? Is Riga an option if you have family there?

I worked out that I could get by for a couple of years. Would work parttime if HAD no choice - leaving lo with family.


I think it has lots of issues to be resolved, but I realsied as much as I thought things out, until I was pregnant it was all hypothetical and my preferences totally did 189 degree turn.

Can you claim UK benefits?


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

That's why I'm here till at least next March as then I get my retention bonus which gives me a huge financial relief and more likely to be off work for a year or two if not more. 
I won't return to Riga as I left it 20 years ago and I consider London as my home, that's why I'm trying to purchase something in Surrey. 
I still want to carry on working pass March though as I figured out to be working in Iraq while TTC is better than just be in London. 
And if I decide for December's IUI and it's a BFN then I'll carry on being here till it becomes a BFP. I think it's a good plan, right? 

And once I'm pregnant then I can decide whether to come back here or not. I don't even  know what I'll think once I'm pregnant. I might go mental hahaha but maybe my views on life, work etc will change entirely as you've said?! We don't know it, right?!

I don't know even know if I can claim UK benefits since I'm currently a non-resident?! At the moment I don't really want to rock my Non-resident's boat till at least next financial year. 

talking out loud and post it on FF makes me feel much better. And thank you to all ladies for reading it and giving your advices/support. 

Much appreciated!

Russki


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

I understand your concerns but sometimes I think you've just got to bite the bullet and get on with it. People get pregnant in far worse situations and there is no ideal time I suppose. I think you'd figure everything out once you got your BFP.

Heidi x


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I'm going against the grain here Russki and think you should defer it if possible for a year or two as you will be in a much better position financially and emotionally if you are settled and stable, once you're pregnant it's not the time to start making drastic changes, much better to have done the groundwork beforehand, plus you don't know if you'll constantly be sick, hospitalised and even unable to work and where would that leave your bonus etc?

Re the benefits side don't think you can claim that easily if you're non resident but maybe somebody else will know better

Another thing where what is Iraqi policy on unwed pregnant women in their country? I know in Dubai I would have been jailed and the baby taken away as soon as you give birth and I would have been deported, you need to think about that as if you ended up with medical complications there that could get very messy.

Ultimately you'll come to right decision x

Me myself and I do you have your birth partner on standby  I had to ring my sister at 5.30am she wasn't happy lol hope things start moving soon x


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

thanks Blondie.
I think I'll definitely defer the IUI till I'm a bit more ready. Just found out that my mortgage application form with the International branch got rejected due to me working in Iraq. Rated as a high risk. 
So my broker will try to get a mortgage with my actual bank but I have to give them details of a property I want to purchase. I haven't even found one never mind wishing to buy it! So stuck again. and nothing will work till I spend more time in the UK. 

Just feeling low and defeated.  

Russki


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

You really are doing the right thing Russki I think the stress would really compromise you, how about a job in the UK maybe put the feelers out and make a permanant move to a town that works for you with work/childcare etc, raising a baby or even going through pregnancy in the Gulf would be a very hard thing to do as infrastructure very diff there and cultural attitudes   we'll say no more.... x


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

Thanks Blondie, will have to spend more time in the UK in order to try to purchase my own place. Think all my energy needs to go into that right now. Once that's accomplished I can start thinking about time I return to the UK. Can't do that till end of March anyway. And maybe closer to March I'll start IUI and keep going with it till I finally fall pregnant and quit my job here as I don't think I can deal with stress working here and handle pregnancy in Iraq. I'm already going bonkers here as it is and that's without being pregnant! 

My head is spinning.

Would love to meet up with SMC when on leave next month. It would be nice to meet up with "thinkers" and also SMC mummies. Get the boost from them

Russki


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi Russki,
Re meeting lots of other single women and mums, I am a member of the Donor Conception Network and they have about 600 single women members.  Some still thinking, some in treatment and some with children.



If you join, you can have the opportunity to make contact with others like you for support and a chat.
It really helped me while I was going through the fertility process, which can be so confusing and stressful when you are doing it on your own.
Wishing you loads of luck,
Daisy xxx


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

Thanks Daisyg, I've just become a member of that site. 

I'd have loved to attend their workshops but on those dates I'm working here, in Iraq. What a bummer! I'll even miss London get togethers. Double bummer. 

That's why I try to meet up with SMC ladies whenever I'm back in London which proves hard work too.  

Also, I can't see their Online Forum. What else do I need in order to "enter" it? Please advise. 

Thanks. 

Russki


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## Altai (Aug 18, 2013)

Riskski,

I think if you email Mandy ruddock with ur dcn queries, she would be able to help.
I can pm u her email. 

Good luck
A.


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## bode (Oct 17, 2014)

Wow! Just read all of that. It's been extremely useful. I just turned 39. I'm currently going through an egg freezing cycle (my first). I'm not sure whether I'm ready to go down the donor route, but I'm also considering making a move back to the UK and am house hunting in Surrey too. 

I only recently joined this site and it's remarkable how supportive everyone is. I have 2 male (obviously) friends I'm considering asking to donate or co-parent, but feel so funny about it. One is straight and Dutch and last time I saw him harped on about what a great Mum I'd make and I should just get on with it. I jokingly asked if he would do the honours and he replied he wasn't ready to be a Dad yet. He's in playboy mode.  The other is gay and Mexican and in California, and I'm suspecting he might want to be a Dad someday. I don't know how to ask. Perhaps it's all still so new to me.

I would love to meet up with some ladies as I'm desperate to be a Mum and just need to convince myself I can go it alone.


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Russki, I think things will fall into place for you more once you feel more settled somewhere.
Many SMC's I know of have family in the country they plan to bring up their child in, and it certainly helps. I had a partner who recently left me with the baby when he was just 3 months old and it's been very tough. Never to have that extra pair of hands, or a person you can rely on to provide relief... My family are also abroad so it's not easy but we're coping so far. I know people do, but the added stress won't help you get pregnant in the first place.
It worried me for you when I read Blondie's comments about being an unwed mum in certain places, you want to make sure you have a secure place for you and your child.
When I found my mind was all over the place about choices to do with donors etc, I worked with Sarah Holland of fertilemindset, and it really really helped to get my thoughts a bit straighter and sort out my priorities... perhaps something you should consider? She works via Skype so you can do this wherever you are x


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## RusskiHope (Jun 3, 2014)

Thanks Broodychick,
I'll chechpk her out. 
Tomorrow am is my little op on removing a polyp in my uterus. I also want them to check my tubes again.

Saw Dr M in London and he definitely recommends IVF since I've got my left tube clocked/closed. I'm not ready for it yet as I'm still working in Iraq and looking for a place outside of London.

I've chosen a donor, however, a non-anonymous but haven't placed any orders yet.
And I know for sure won't be doing any treatments this side of xmas.

Russki xx


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