# Dp not very keen



## Jaq (Sep 23, 2003)

Hi everyone

I think we are just about at the end of the road trying for our own children (well not even biologically mine as we have been using egg donors). I raised the idea of adoption with my DP 2 years ago when ivf with my eggs had failed but his reply was along the lines of "if you think I'm looking after some losers bratty kids ...." But last week when it looked as if our last cycle may be going pear-shaped (it has) he asked if I knew anything about adoption. I did not do much about it before as he had been so negative so I asked if he wanted to adopt. He said he wanted me to be happy and he did not really have any feelings on it one way or the other. Has anyone else's hubbie/partner been like this and then become enthusiastic about it? And won't the social workers dismiss us at the start when they detect his lack of keeness?
Any thoughts will be gratefully appreciated.
Thanks
Jaq


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Jaq

You have described my dh in the early stages of adoption to a tee. I have always been the person in our relationship that has been more committed to adopting than he has. Even recently we had some heated debates about whether or not we were doing the right thing. it is a big commitment and has to be right for both of you.

Throughout the process I have talked about 'when' it happens where as Rich as always said 'if' and continues to do so. Our social worker has seen that we are both different in our approach to the whole thing but that we are both equally committed to adoption.

I am sure once your dp learns more about adoption that he may think differently about his previous thoughts on it. There are a whole raft of different reasons why people have their children adopted.

The whole experience is a learning one. There are some good leaflets and books available to help. I would suggest going onto the BAAF site (www.baaf.org.uk) and ordering some of their leaflets. A good book I had was 'The Adoption Experience' by Ann Morris which I ordered via FF on Amazon.

Even if you just see a social worker initially and do the course, you are under no obligation, they as much as you want for it to be right.

If you want to ask any questions, then please ask, I will tell you what i can without compromising the integrity of the process.

Good luck
Love
Karen x


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## Jaq (Sep 23, 2003)

Hi Karen

Thank you so much for your reply - it is good to know Si is not the only reluctant male  And encouraging that you are obviously well on your way to getting the family you want - I'm not sure where you're up to but I hope it won't be long before a little person/people are there to share your life. We have a friend who fosters and has had some very difficult (and I suspect horribly abused) children - I just want to hug them and tell them everything will be OK (though I generally make do with a Hi and a smile) but I think they may have put Si off the adoption idea. So that's maybe where the difference in attitudes comes from. His sister is on my side and has sent press cuttings of happy adoption stories - maybe he is warming to the idea after all 
Oh well, I'll check out the BAAF website before we have our ivf review next month to keep all our options open.
Thanks again
Jaq


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## nigama (Jul 22, 2003)

Hi there Jac, I am going to go for one more ICSI try (my 4th), then at the end of this year look to adoption. I was met initially with resistance of this plan by my DH, not because of not wanting to raise other people's children, but he used to represent some of the mothers fighting to keep there children in court. He is very wary of them coming into our lives, whether now or 18 odd years down the track and worries with the new postbox systems that this may become easier.

I have found it best to take it very softly, heated talks resulted in him getting worse about it, now 6 months on from first discussing it we are both getting used to the idea that for us to have a family it may be the only option. I want to be a mother before I hit 37, Im 35 now, and in order for us to get to this we think it best to look into at the end of the year when we will have been TTC for over 4 years.

I personally think its a shock to the other halves, particularly when they are convinced that if you do enough fertility treatments something will happen - as mine is. But I have found that a certain amount of acceptance is coming in now I am not confronting the situ, but mentioning it now and then as something we are planning to look into should our next ICSI try not be successful. 

I wish you luck luvie. Love Amanda x


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## tjb (Nov 9, 2003)

Hi Jaq,
I too am having a hard time trying to convince my hubby about adoption,
He dosnt want to do i.v.f either as that isnt a 100%
so i dont think im left with much opption.
Its hard to say....... ok thats it im going to stop going down this rute and take the next, deep down you never know if its the right choice.
Mind you if you did adoped and had a child looking into there face you know you have done the right thing, when the go school for tha first time or fall and hurt thir knees and your there to wipe there tears away and make it all better. That feeling must be fantastic.

What ever you decide to do i wish you loads of luck and best wishes.

Take care tjb x


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

This is such a familiar story to me!
Dh is now keener than ever, but only if he/she is an infant. I think now he knows some people through his work who adopted much older than us and got a baby it has changed his outlook.
He still says though, that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't persue it. I panic of course and say the adoption people will work that out but he says that doesn't mean he doesn't want to do it, just that his main motivation is for me to have the child I want. I guess it is pretty normal to be aprehensive about it- especially if you have been through invasive and emotionally draining fertility treatment- to think about the intrusiveness, commitment and emotional/financial commitment adoption requires(I know it doesn't cost anything to adopt but my county requires six months off after adopting and even with the statuatory 100 a week that still is a HUGE drop in salary for me that we need to save for.) It is reassuring to read that I am not the only one who is leading the cause with DH in tow somewhat reluctantly at times- but then I think this stems a bit from all the treatments as well- it is always the woman who arranges the dates with the hospital, organises her own drugs, watches for signs etc. I too worry about possible intrusion from birth mothers at later stages but do support postboxes especially if the child has other siblings. It is so emotionally upheaving all of this isn't it??!!


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## Danielle1 (Sep 8, 2004)

Hi, I've definitely had the same sort of problem with my DH, he already has 2 children from a previous marriage and I know he is an excellent father, but he had difficulty getting his head around the idea of apdoption.  However I took him to see some relatives who had adopted two wonderful children and the DH in that relationship re-assured him that he too had a few doubts but now could not love his children any more than if they were his own.  I think this has really helped.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.


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## Natasha (Sep 21, 2004)

Hi everyone,

I am in a similar position as well. I have asked DH about adoption and fostering only to be met with a very non encouraging response. 

My DH has a problem with his chromosomes so it would cost us too much for us to the have PGD that we need, and so i thought that if we couldn't have our own we would help other children.

He already has a daughter of his own, and i think that he feels that that will do him.
This makes me feel very alone? does anyone else feel like this?
good luck to everyone.
i hope it all works out for you all


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## casey (Sep 26, 2004)

Hi everyone,

i've been looking at your messages with interest as I'm a child protection social worker and i'm on my 2ww with my ist ivf

Jac, yes a social worker will pick up on the fact that one partner is less committed than the other, but this would not necessarily exclude you.it would be better if he could think about what it is he is worried/frightened about.

Before a child is matched with adoptive parents, you would be given information on his/her background and any special needs, including behavioural problems. although I have to say it is usually older children with the most severe behavioural problems and these children are seldom adopted.

Most children who are freed for adoption are usually quite young, In my authority children are usually no more than 6/7 
years of age and usually a sibling. Most the Care Orders and Freeing for adoption orders are younger children, including those removed at birth.

Finally although it is worrying to you that birth parents may turn up iyears in the future, this would be the child's choice. Children are adopted for all sorts of reasons, and there are all sorts of parents.

If I can be of any help answering questions, let me know although I'm not an Adoption social worker.

Good luck to you all Casey


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Hi all,

On the point of birth families, I am adopted and got in contact with my birth family when I was 25. I can only say it has enriched my life. My adopted parents were anxious in the beginning but most of that was fear of me being hurt. Both sets of parents have met and are very comfortable with the situation now. At no point did my adopted parents think they were being traded in for a newer model and they have seen how much good it has done me.

Although every situation is different it must never be forgotten that birth family contact in this day and age should be in place wherever possible because, if it is the interest of the child, then that is the most important thing. Being adopted in the 70's meant my adoption was closed, no contact at all from the time of the freeing order and I grew up feeling as if a piece of the jigsaw puzzle was missing.

While I understand that my circumstances will be very different to many children's, I think that when appropriate as much contact should be kept as possible. My birth parents grieved for the loss of me and never forgot me, so much so that they incorporated my name into my younger siblings names. My birthday was especially hard but the thing that really tugged at my heart strings was that when I was 16 somebody saw me at my Saturday job, saw my name badge (my first name was kept when I was adopted) and thought I looked the spitting image of my birth mother. They told my birth father and he spent several weeks travelling over 200 miles each Saturday to the shop to see if it was me. The sad thing was that I only worked until 1pm and by the time he got there each time I had already left. Eventually he gave up thinking I no longer worked there and because he didn't know my surname he couldn't ask anyone. He told me that all he wanted was to be able to see me and reassure himself that I was OK. He said he would never have approached me, he just wanted to see me. They always hoped that I would get in touch and the day I met them I remember they just couldn't stop looking at me. My birth father said that day that if he were to drop dead right there and then he would die a happy man because he knew I was alright.

My siblings have accepted me without question, even though I'm an old cronie to my sister who is only 15....lol and I can honestly say I am as close to them as I am to my adopted siblings. It makes xmas very expensive though....lol.

As I grew up all I wanted was to know who I looked like and where did I come from. I used to fantasize about rich, famous parents....they're neither but I couldn't be happier because they are a wonderful loving couple. I feel blessed to have two fab families who enrich my life in totally different ways and I feel sad that I missed so many potentially wonderful years. 

For any child who is to be adopted I would not want them to have an empty space in their life like I did. Even letter box contact is better than nothing. Also for the birth families...they might not have the caring capacity to raise the children but in most cases they will never stop thinking about their children and loving them and they deserve the piece of mind to know they are OK and not have to suffer like my birth parents did. The adopted parents can only benefit from this too....they have a happier, more contented child who is secure about their roots and where they came from and as I have found, even if some of the stories you learn about are hard, it is better to know them, it is always more of a shock to find them out as an adult, it shifts the secure ground right out from under you otherwise.

I have nothing but humble respect for both sets of parents, my adopted parents for taking me into their lives and loving me as their own, and my birth parents for making the ultimate sacrifice in giving me up because they knew I would have a better quality of life than they could give me.

Birth parents are not scary monsters. If the contact was not meant to be then it will break down of it's own accord, after all we have all been with partners and thought they were "the one" only to be let down and disappointed and most of us get over it and on with our lives. Understanding comes with the older the child gets and it is better to let them draw their own conclusions than to be given a whole lot of waffle from someone else's opinions on the subject.

Anyway, talking of waffling...I'll get down off my soapbox now, sorry if my post is a bit intense. I just feel that seeing adoption from both angles adopted and adopting has given me a slightly different picture than others. I only hope I can be as good a parent as my adopted mother was to me.

Morgana x


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## Natasha (Sep 21, 2004)

How do you get your DH/DP to consider it?  My DH is so blunt.  He says that he isn't ruling it out but he would prefer to have his own, which is very unlikely indeed.  I said to him last night that i couldn't live a childless life.  I think that sounds a bit harsh now i have written it down, but does anyone agree with me.  I'm finding it very frustrating and lonely. 
Has anyone got any ideas on how to try and not convince them but make them consider the posibility a bit more?
Good Luck to everyone.
I love this site, it seems as though although people have problems most of them are positive about what is going to happen which reading this makes me feel a lot happier 
Love Tasha


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Morgana

I think your post is very inspirational.  When people find out that me and dh are adopting they immediately think the worst about their parents, but the reasons why children come into care aren't always what people perceive.

Unless due to the reasons why children come into adoption that contact shouldn't happen then I believe like you've said that children do benefit from some form of contact.  We are going to be in letterbox contact with our adoptive children's parents.  We both didn't think we could cope with face to face contact, but know that in the longer term this may be a possibility.

I certainly don't consider your post intense, but it is very informative.

Good luck
Love
Karen x


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