# Single, severe endo, no eggs, immune probs, 3 mc's - anyone else?



## Lillyan (Jan 14, 2009)

Hi girls
I'm feeling very lost and just wondering if there's anyone else out there in a similar situation? I've had endo for 23 years and it's been a constant battle with pain and surgeries - it's had a huge impact on my life and I found out earlier this year that it has destroyed my ovaries and my eggs. I'm single and after two previous mc's, I decided to go it alone and did 3 rounds of IVF this year, 1 OE and 2 DE, the last ended in September in my third mc. I've no doubt there's an immune issue (have read Agate's thread and Dr Beer's book) but I'm completely smashed financially and can't borrow any more - there's no money for immune testing, let alone immune treatment or another DE cycle and it'll be a long time before I've paid back what I already owe. Two of my closest friends are pregnant and due at the time I would have been. It's absolutely killing me. Over the last 10-15 years I've watched every person I know start their families and I've tried so so hard - I've done everything - acupuncture, diet, fertility yoga, supplements, meditation, visualisation, castor oil packs, reflexology, prayers - the list goes on and on..... I'm dreading Christmas. My house is so quiet and empty and I know I shouldn't but I keep thinking of my babies I've lost and what age they would be now. I just feel so alone and that there are so many hurdles - I don't know anyone else who's in a similar situation, and not that I'd wish it on anyone or anything, but it would be great to hear to anyone else out there in the same boat as me - I'd love to hear from you and what you decided to do..... Maybe it's time for to give up on my dream but it will break my heart.
Thanks
Lilly


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Not in the same position as you ( do have immune issues though) but just wanted to offer you a bit of support.

Given what you been through its not suprising you are feeling down-  I think you have to give yourself time (yes i know we dont have much of that in this game) to feel a bit stronger- Have you spoke to your GP- I know when i hit that brick wall of feeling like i didnt know where to turn i was offered counselling (general not fertility) and i did take antidepressants for a while which i think also served a purpose with my immune issues. 

I think sometimes we just need to wait for the solution to show itself and when it does the next step will be clear.

Good luck


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hi lillyann,

Just wanted to offer a virtual hug. You have had a very tough time of it and I wish that you hadn't had to go through such a rough time. I think it is perfectly understandable to feel low at this time of year especially when it's hard to see what the way ahead will be.  I think it's very common to think about babies that you have lost and how things should be different, don't be too hard on yourself.  I wish I had some words of wisdom that could be of use!

I know it's not for everyone but have you considered adoption? You are clearly driven to be a mum and that would make you an ideal candidate I am sure. However, I know it's not for everyone and it doesn't stop the longing to be pregnant but is another way to create a family.

Big hugs, keep posting here as people do understand and can offer support even if only virtual.
Xxxxxxx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

hi lillyann

sorry to hear you're feeling so low.  christmas can be a really tough time of year and really brings thing to the surface, especially if you're not where you want to be with things in your life     i would definitely consider seeing your GP and asking if there is a women's services counsellor at your local hospital you could see?  my obstetrician referred me to the one at my hospital a couple of months ago and i was pretty p****d off that my GP hadn't referred me to her at the end of last year when i miscarried my first donor egg attempt as she understood all about my fertility trials and tribulations whereas with the private counsellor i had been seeing didn't know anything about it and i had to explain things.  it was such a relief to talk to someone who knew what i was talking about and understood all the terms etc, she is also free.  i also actually went back on my anti depressants as i was struggling a couple of months ago and my obs said they were safe for me right now.

as morrigan says i think it's sometimes good to just take a bit of time and give yourself a break from this tough rollercoaster.  as you're using DE you do still have some time as there are many ladies on here in their 40's (me included).

i hope you can start to find a way forward soon   

GGx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Lilly - Just wanted to say hi and sorry to hear you are having such a rough time.  I'm not keen on Xmas either, so, safety in numbers, eh     As Morrigan and GG mentioned, counselling would give you some well needed support (some cotton wool) particularly when dealing with those around you that are pregnant.  You could try your local family planning clinic.  I also looked into adoption which really did help.  The financial side of fertility treatment is a complete nightmare but as GG says, because you're already using DE you have more time.  Massive big   to you.  Wishing you lots of luck!


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## Lillyan (Jan 14, 2009)

Thanks so much for your replies girls and for your understanding - it makes such a difference to be able to open up to people who understand. I've been to my GP who prescribed anti-depressants and referred me to a counsellor. The counsellor is subsidised so there's a long waiting list but I should get an appt in January. I tried the anti-depressants but found them very strong so have opted for St John's Wort along with fish oils & b vitamins and they've helped me gain back some balance. I'm ok in the sense that I'm just getting on with things but I suppose I just don't know where to go from here - do I give up and accept that it's never to be or do I keep saving every penny and try again in 2-3 years.... I think you're right though Morrigan & GG, maybe I just need some time out and maybe talking it out with a counsellor will help me make a decision, and the fact that I'm using DE gives me time. Diesy & Lulumead I've looked into adoption before but I was told I would be bottom of the list because I was single - I live in Ireland and the national adoption agency is catholic-oriented and like their adoptive parents to be married couples, though maybe that's changed in the last few years - I might look into it again. For now I'll just try to take things one day at a time I think, and avoid thinking about the big stuff (inc Christmas and pregnant friends!) and maybe things will be a little clearer and less raw in a month or two. Thanks again for taking the time out to reply   xxxx


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## Diesy (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi Lilly - That's annoying about the adoption situation, you could try again and see if anything has changed.  They were biting my hand off to apply and said I could get a 3 year old because I was over 40.  The other thing I was going to say was - have you thought about trying a herbalist?  Instead of anti-depressants or St John's Wort?  You can buy them pre-made off the shelf or see a herbalist and they will concoct something for all that ales you.  Just an idea.  Keep your chin up, you've had a difficult and busy time with treatment this year, maybe see Xmas as a break from all that pressure.


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## blueytoo (Oct 5, 2003)

Hi Lillyan

I'm not in the exact same situation as but have some factors in common. I was diagnosed with severe endo when I was 18 after 8 years of hideous periods and have had two laparoscopies with laser surgery for it. I also have severe immune issues as my NKC are very high. I was very lucky to get pregnant with my DS 14 years ago by IUI on the first go after 6 months of home insems. I have since had a lot of tx as you can see from my signature and have had four miscarriages altogether, 2 with my own eggs and 2 with donor eggs. 

I love Christmas but the last 8 have been sad for me as I've either not been pregnant or fairly recently miscarried or been in the situation where I haven't been able to afford any more treatment.

I hope you can find a way forward with your journey soon


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Can I just add that I have always found christmas hard- it does feel like it highlights anyone who is alone sad or missing anything as there is this obsessive drive for everyone to have the best time- for the last 10 years ive had a job where i had to work christmas day so i can generally just opt out of it but i have also found that depression suicide domestic violence debt and just about any other negative thing in the world increases. 

I try and have a tongue in cheek answer to all those christmas comments- eg you cant possibly spend christmas day alone - why not seems to be alright with everyone the other 364 days a year!
How terrible for that to happen at christmas- really becasue it would be fine if it was in march !


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## laisona (Sep 27, 2011)

Hi Liliyan

O, Liliyan, you're not alone! I had severe endo and after treatment can't conceive naturally. I have done 
IVF attempts with my own eggs and DE but failed. The doctors suggested surrogacy but I was shocked and confused because of this.
I recognized that I couldn't anything as usual woman could. I was shocked that I needed an egg donor but when the surrogacy was proposed
to me I felt in deep depression. With the time I came to decision that if I had a possibility to get a child in my life I must try it in spite of everything.  You can try also embryo adoption if you're single and don't have a partner. Try to keep up your spirits! Don't be upset!


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## Lillyan (Jan 14, 2009)

Hi girls
Diesy the herbals sound like a good idea - I've never been to a herbalist but I take agnus castus to keep my cycle regular in between the fertility tx and milk thistle to support my liver with the excess estrogen from the endo. I contacted Trevor Wing in London as I've heard good things about him - I know he uses herbals for his patients. I'd be focusing on the immune element so am just trying to find out if I would have to get the chicago bloods & biopsy done before going to see him or if he can do them in his clinic. It's all cost dependent really - I imagine I'd have to have immune tx close enough to the next cycle to make sure it has a positive effect so I'm holding off on doing that till I have the money for another cycle. I've been doing a bit of research though and am going to start on an anti-inflammatory diet, which will include things like turmeric and quercetin and maybe resveratrol - surely that has to help. Have you tried any herbs?

Morrigan you're so right - I might use that response the next time someone asks me about christmas! The last couple of years I've done voluntary work on christmas day but I've no plans for this year yet. Looks like you're going to have your hands full! In case you're not back on in the next few days, the very best of luck   

Lasiona I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time    Surrogacy was also suggested to me after the DE failed. Where are you at now - are you considering another cycle? I looked into the embryo adoption route too - it's cheaper in terms of cost as it's a frozen cycle but the results aren't as good as with a fresh cycle, but I read somewhere that women with endo can do better with frozen transfers as it doesn't create such an agressive immune response. I don't know how true that is but I will be considering a frozen cycle in the future as it means I could try again sooner. I think I've decided that I'm just not ready to give up trying yet - you sound like you feel the same way?

Blueytoo I'm so sorry for your losses, your last loss was so recent - how are you doing?    
Lxx


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

Lilyann- i wouldnt have chicagos done too close to your when yo u want to cycle- it depends on what your having tested but I had high TNFa levels that needed treatment before cycling so had to delay my cycle-you need to allow about 2 months think the same goes if your having hidden c tested etc- the rest you probably have taken in previous cycles. I took tumeric for my tnfa as well as high dose omega 3- impossible to tell if that contibuted to helping as also took humira course. HAve you had vit d level tested by gp- tbh i didnt but just took supplement ( not recomending that of course!)


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