# adopting an older child 4-5



## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Hi

We've just started the process with Barnados. We want a sibling group and have been told we could have a 4-5 year old and their younger brother/sister. We are very happy to adopt older children but how much extra "baggage" do they tend to have? I'm assuming that they will have been in the care system from a young age so won't be in an "abusive" household anymore so are the separation/abandonment issues that all adoptive children have more pronounced with older children?

Thanks for your help.


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

hi we have placed with us a 4 and 7yr old, the 7yr old is trouble the 4yr old is fine, and remembers very little of her past. We used a VA as well, and found that they are extremely supportive, but we have had to become very pushy to get the help the kids need with speech therapy for the 4yr old and counselling for the 7yr old. we also found that its tough as you will see from my previous postings, but friends who have adopted younger children say the same its hard work and nothing prepares you for it.
best of luck its the best think we did, but having them at 4and 7 means they do go to school and give you some headspace,


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Thanks so much Jules. 

I didnt think about the going to school part.. yes you're right it will take the pressure off a bit!!

Me and DH are really excited about it all. We just sent off the questionnaire they asked us to fill out and are waiting for our first SW visit. I've heard that VAs are very quick so maybe we can have our LOs home for next Xmas.. nearly!! WOW, what an amazing thought!!!

Thanks


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

There might be more baggage as they may have experienced a longer period of trauma.  However it is their history rather than their age which is more important, eg.  was the BM an alcohol/substance abuser which can have an effect from pre-birth.  With an older child it is easier to know what you are dealing with as there may be more information and they can talk to you.  When you have a much younger child who cannot communicate things are not always so obvious to read what is going on and can just simmer and then explode later.

Good luck with your journey.

Cindy


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Thanks Cindyp

I must admit I was dissapointed when Barnados said we would probably have to go with an older child as we really wanted under 2's but the more we think about it the better it would be to have older children. They've already got a personality and like you said they can communicate their pain much better so it will be easier to help them.

Just think! My children are already out there in the world just waiting for me to find them.. I'm a Mum already!!!

I'm soooo excited!!


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi We adopted our son when he was nearly 4.

There were a lot of advantages of adopting an older child.....no sleepless nights, no teething, no potty training.  He could speak to us and communicate his needs, we could have proper conversations..unlike with him now..hes 18 now and you get a grunt if we are lucky!!

He was in care from an early age and found the speration form his foster carers hard but we got through it and looking back I think we have had it lucky compared to some who have adopted older children.

Don;t be pushed into something though if your heart is not in it.

I dont regret adopting our son for one minute BUT we were young adopters at the age of 28...........when frist approached a VA... and we were told we were only likely to get an older child.......we talked at great lengths and agreed that a child under 5 was best for us............our son was 3½ when we heard about him but nearly 4 by the time he moved in.

A few years later we wanted to adopt again and we were very lucky that we got to adopt our lovely DD who was aged just 9 months.

I did read some where the other day that only 60 children under the age of 1 were adopted in the UK last year............the deman for younger children is always higher than that off older children.

If you are prepared and do research and go with the knowledge of I will be a mummy and an older child is what we would like then I think you will be fine.  We did all right of adopting an older child but hae been blessed with having a younger child as well.

It seems as though you are level headed and looking forward to your journey to become parents, i wish you lots of luck on your way and keep us informed.

Superal


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Our son came home at just over 6 yrs, he had been with his BF up to just after his 5th Birthday so had a relatively short stay in FC compaired to a lot of children coming through the care system.

It's been a tough 2 years, but it is the best thing we have ever done. As said before it does not necessarily mean the younger they are the easier it is, even prenatal condition's can have a big affect on the un born child.

A couple we have met since having our son have a son a month younger than ours, he has been with them since he was 11 months old and they practically have the same issues as we do.


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Firstly, good luck on your journey.

I think it’s very difficult to gauge how you might cope until you are actually at the stage of looking at profiles – only once the child is ‘real’ (and not a series of possible scenarios) will background become a serious consideration (that was my experience anyway). 
Despite being very confident during assessment that I could cope with an older child who had suffered early trauma, I think in reality I would’ve struggled had I been matched with such a child (there were two really quite young siblings in foster care with our daughter who were typical ‘examples’ - for want of a better expression - of the various scenarios you are presented with in assessment i.e. neglect, alcohol and such like). In complete honesty, I felt very relieved that it was our daughter we were there being introduced to (in spite of the fact that she didn’t want to know us at first, she was very secure with her foster carers, whilst these other two kids would’ve happily gone with us on the first afternoon. They were around for most of the introductions, and the elder of the two took to calling us Mum and Dad).


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## purplexed (Feb 18, 2011)

Thank you sooo much for all your replies. What Ive learnt is that all children are different and they will all have different problems regardless of age and experience.

We will keep an open mind and will hopefully know the right children for us when we see them

Cant wait!!!!


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

purplexed........well said all children are different......they devlop at different stages of their lives.........have their own identities/personalities and you recognising this means your going to be a great Mummy to some little boy/girl some day soon!!


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hi


dont have any advice on adopting older children unfort as our 2 were 2 and 3 when they came home. just wanted to say the others (as per usual) have given some great advice.


best of luck with your journey      xxxx


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