# Single friend just had a baby, I'm feeling panicky



## Guest (Mar 18, 2012)

Hi all,
Looking for reassurance I guess, if anyone can offer some...Feeling a bit panicky today.
A good friend of mine gave birth yesterday night, as a a single mum. She had a short relationship with the baby's father (who left the picture soon after) and hadn't intended to get pregnant. It was a shock to her when it happened but she adapted to the idea really quickly and is this morning a new mummy to a healthy little boy. 

I'm having a few thoughts about her situation (most of them selfish if I'm honest....) I am completely delighted for her and looking forward to meeting the baby soon. At the same time, part of me wishes I was in her position. I guess she wouldn't recommend 'surprise' single motherhood, but at the end of this angst she does have a child now. And suddenly the journey to get there isn't important to her or anyone. 

I think I feel impatient. I am relocating back to England from overseas this year (mainly to re-connect with family), and will need to find a job and somewhere to live before I do anything about kids. It's frustrating, because the move home has  co-incided with a time when I am 100% absorbed in wanting to have a child asap (grrr). I have told everyone I'm moving and have quit my job, about to ship my belongings etc, but what if I'm not in a practical position to have a baby for another 18months or so?? Especially with the jobs climate in the UK. If that's the case I'm going to be 34 and a half, which is later than I planned when I started thinking about this a couple of years back. And it worries me, because I want to have more than one child if I possibly can. I didn't take the idea seriously for so long, I wasted time  (and was too daunted)when I had a good job and might have been able to set myself up with a house or fertility treatment here. I just presumed I had to get back home before I had a baby. But I'm starting to wish I could just start now, and unfortunately I've painted myself into a corner.

My friend with the baby is a teacher, and will be able to return to that to pay for them to live, with the help of family. I have a much less 'reliable' job, in media, which is good money when you are working but not so easy to re-enter after time off. I have always planned to re-train in a trade, for job/financial security, and am starting this training online, but it'll take a couple of years at least to get trained up and start earning. I know you can't see into the future, but I wish I'd Grown Up a bit sooner, and started to prioritise what was important to me and make plans for it. And as I have decided to take this path of being a single mother, it's especially important now for me to have a life that supports me and my future baby. The plus side is that I have my savings (for treatment) all ready, so that's a major positive.....

I feel like all my options to solve this are long term, and starting to feel I'll never be 'set up' enough to start the process of having a baby. 

Any suggestions or blunt advice most appreciated


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## aimless1 (Aug 14, 2010)

Hello there,
Know how you feel - I am going to be birthing partner for a single friend who is having baby on her own after a similar accident.  I feel very envious at times and wish I could just have an accident (although given that I never meet anyone or make any effort and actually don't want to, I accept that is not going to happen!). Also it is more complicated if the bloke wants to stay involved etc etc
All I will say is I have spent a few years trying to get myself in the perfect place to do it on my own and what I have discovered is there is no such place.  It is never an ideal time. I am never going to feel 100 percent certain and my career will go down the pan if/when I get pregnant (the industry where I work they simply never have women back after they give birth. In fact they don't really employ women in the first place as a rule).  I often wish I just went for it earlier.  But I also think I had to go round the houses to get to a good place today.
So no helpful advice except to say you are still relatively young and undoubtedly there are more difficulties as you get older but you only have to look on these forums here to see its not impossible.
Anyway best of luck. Just remember that there is no perfect time - just right time for you.
A x


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## Elle72 (Mar 13, 2012)

Arran, my yoga teacher would tell you this: Breathe 

I completely understand what you are saying but you have to take one step at a time.
So now it's time for moving, you are still young and plus there is no one that can guarantee that 32 is better than 34 assuming you will have to wait so long to get a job.

So a little planning ( just a little) here will help you to stay calm and relaxed, the important thing from what I see is to have your ideas and your desires very clear and it seems to me you are already there, so well done 

So now, if I were you,I would focus on looking for a job, and right after that you can start your journey. I am sure and feeling positive you will find it sooner than you catastrophic view! I think it's due to the stress for the move, I have moved in fact in my new place in september and I was imploding!

When we are over stressed we tend to plan everything even the long term future, you want everything to be perfect and you are thinking a 1000 things together and trying to prevent any possible complication. Stop, breathe and think positively, right after your move, you are one step closer to your dream, next step job and then hurray  

C'mon girl I am sure it will work all out fine


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## Guest (Mar 19, 2012)

Thank you Aimless and Elle. You've helped me get things into perspective, hearing sensible words from you -who are in a similar situation to me- is worth a hundred vague bits of advice from friends to 'just chill out it'll be fine'!

Reading my post again I can see I was letting my worries overtake me. Definitely the stress and definitely not going to get me anywhere! 

Elle -You're so right about one step at a time. And I'm gonna channel your yoga teacher and remember to breathe in and out I've been trying to plan everything, which involves so many unknowns it's bound to freak me out! I've got my goal in my sights so it looks like it's going to be better to line up all the steps in my head and just tick them off one by one, until I'm at the stage of starting treatment - at which point I'll start a whole new list of steps and probably be back on here in a panic asking for advice again! 

But I feel happier just thinking about the reduced stress levels I'm going to have now I'm getting this in perspective!

Aimless - I agree there's no perfect time, but I definitely need a job and somewhere to live, so maybe I'll start feeling more like I can do it when I get the basics in place! Best of luck with your journey


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Arran
I can really relate where you are coming from... What I think is great is that you have a plan what you need to achieve and how to go about it - you're active about achieving your dreams which is a positive thing!
So many people just drift aimlessly through life, but you also need to be careful not to 'over-think' something which can be (as in the case of your friend) quite a simple, straightforward process 
I gave up a freelance career myself in 2006 with the plan to get more stability, buy a flat etc, which I did. However now I feel a bit stuck in an often uninspiring job for the sake of my mortgage. Yes it is great to plan and have the right things in place to hopefully eventually give a good home to a child, but don't forget there will be hopefully 2 people involved and the man in the equation will take an interest in their child as well and be around to help you.
It will probably all take longer than 18 months anyway, but you will find lots of people around you to help and support you on your journey - on here or out there.
Keeping my fingers crossed for you, and good luck in your new home! xXXx


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## Guest (Mar 24, 2012)

Thanks Broody Chick, I appreciate the positive vibes! I'll take each step as it comes and try not to over-think. Good advice!


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