# How do I stop these feelings taking over?



## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Hi Girls,
I have fought a private battle with myself over writing this post for a long time. I have always thought of myself as one of life's copers. Over the years friends have always come to me with problems saying I am so stable and focused and together. Lately I am none of those things. I feel like I am starting to unravel. 

As anyone who saw my fisrt post will know, my partner and I recently decided to stop trying to conceive. Its been 5 long years of trying with operations and in the end 5 rounds of ICSI. In all that time we had only one short-lived pregnancy which today seems like it was only a dream. I am 41 now and I felt ready to stop for four reasons:
1. I really can't face more treatment and am worried about all the drugs I have already piled into my body let alone taking more.
2. We really tried everything we were prepared to do. Neither of us is comfortable with donor eggs. We did get all the immune tests done and have additional drugs at the last treatment but still no baby. 
3. I now feel too old to get pregnant and have a baby even if we could do. I would be 42 when it was born even if we got pregnant tomorrow. I never wanted to be an older mother or to have an only child. I feel like we are getting too far from what we originally dreamed of. Does that make sense? 
4. We have some frozen embryos, frozen at our request despite not hitting the clinics standards and despite the fact I feel guilty I do not feel able to use them. The odds of success are so tiny and I can't face more loss. 

So here I am and it would seem at least ready/resigned to move forward. I talk of wanting to find a way to move forward, I am not today longing for a baby but I finding the fact that we did not get our dream accutely painful. I know I need to find a way through the sadness and find a way forward and I did go to my doctor the other day with a view to finding a counselor. She has been very supportive through all my treatment and I guess she was trying to gauge how badly I was suffering. I was in tears as soon as she asked about our recent treatment. She asked if I was managing to function and I said yes....and here is the crux of my reason for writing.

You see I am functioning in some ways. Some days I wake with a heavy heart but every day I get up and get dressed. On days when I am not working and I am busy or doing nice things with my partner I even forget for a while and life can be good. However I am starting to dread work. I work for a big company but on my own from home. I have a job where I am very much in change of driving my own schedule with stratgeic rather than short term goals. If I do not get the process design done today no-one will notice except me. In this environment I am finding it almost impossible to get anything done. I find it so hard to focus, get distracted easily and feel I am achieving nothing but the absolute must-do deadlines. I feel like I am awaiting for someone to catch me out. 

So back to the question 'Are you functioning?'. Yes if I am busy and distracted. No if I have any time to think or anything difficult or focused to acheive. I can't see an end to this and I can't go on like this as it only adds to the stress. Have any of you felt this way? Did you manage to deal with it and keep working? How? If I could afford it I would stop working tomorrow but that is just not an option with a new house and mortgage.

I would so appreciate hearing of your experiences and coping strategies. I just feel worn out and very fragile.

Love MeganXXX


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## QD (Aug 15, 2003)

Dear Megan

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down and 'unravelled'.  I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying; we are a similar age and have had a similar blighted experience of IVF/ICSI.  I cannot claim to have sorted out any of my complicated feelings and depression surrounding infertility but I have been seeing a counsellor for the last 3 years and she has been an absolute lifeline.  I see her privately and pay £35 per week per hour.  I must admit that I never even tried to see a counsellor through my GP because I knew I needed something long term which was an option I was unlikely to be offered on the NHS.

To repeat, she is a life saver.  I have an hour a week which is absolutely mine, no judgement, no facile advice (have you tried adoption, standing on your head after sex, going on holiday, relaxing, you can have one of mine, it's not what it's cracked up to be, maybe it's not meant to be etc. etc. aaaarrrgggghh), an hour when I can say the most private, sometimes awful things and know that I'm safe and cared for and not alone.  Some weeks are harder than others, some weeks I have nothing to say and it's a bit of a chore going there and sitting in silence but despite the hard work, it is completely worth it.  I still have many unresolved issues and emotions but I have also made a lot of progress.  Unfortunately, now I'm going to be living in NZ, I am going to have to continue our sessions by telephone until I find a counsellor there which is a bit daunting but there is no question of me giving it up yet; I haven't sorted stuff out enough to stop seeing someone.  Was your doctor helpful about finding a counsellor?  If not, I suggest that you find one for yourself.  I found mine through asking around.  My SIL was seeing someone who was able to recommend someone suitable for me.

Can you tell I'm keen on counselling?!  I would encourage you to explore that option.  Life is more than just 'functioning', you are worth so much more.

Your job sounds quite difficult to manage and stressful too.  You are worried about being 'found out' because you don't have many immediate deadlines or day-to-day targets to achieve.  Can I suggest that this isn't particularly helpful to you at the moment because it is too similar to going through fertility treatment i.e. long term, lots of waiting about, planning strategies which may not happen the way you envisaged them etc.?  Is there any way of introducing more short-term achievable projects and targets into your working day?  I find work so much easier to handle when I can see results in quite a short space of time.  I have spent so long over the past few years working and planning towards something that has ultimately failed, that I need my work to be more immediately satisfying, to work on a project over a short space of time and then move on.  I appreciate that this may not be possible with your job but it might be something to think about?  As you say, when you are busy and doing stuff you like, the pain seems much easier to bear.

I really sympathise about feeling worn out.  I am so weary of all this baby crap.  Just this week I have been side swiped by another 'oops' pregnancy announcement from a 41 year old friend who already had 2 children.  

I do hope you find ways of coping with your battle,
much love
QD


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

M, 

I've PM'd you and will think more about your specific question and post again later....

Hugs up the motorway hunny, 

MM xxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Megan

Just popped on quick....

You are a coper, you don’t realise just what a coper you are hun.

It is such a hard decision to make and you will continue to question yourself that really is a normal reaction – I can so relate to everything you’ve written, it’s uncanny.

You don’t have to justify your reasons for your decision but I think being brave enough to list them like you have is a pretty major step.

As for functioning, to start with, I went into auto pilot.  Take one day at a time, some days you’ll cope better than others – don’t put pressure on yourself to feel better it will happen with time.  

With work, I found it better to keep busy as only a two people at work knew of our circumstances so I felt very little pressure but this is only my personal view from my own experience.  What I do know is that coming to terms with my fertility (or lack or it) was very much like bereavement.  I’ve cried rivers for my embryos (only you ladies will understand that) I’ve had so many emotions and even blamed myself and felt guilty for making them only for them die.

What you are going through is a normal reaction, I really feel for you Megan and I’m sure you’ll receive lots more advise and experiences from everyone else on here.

Thinking of you
Nix
xx


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Yes, I think Nix said it all when she said she 'feels for you' ... I really do too. Please don't forget that you are just at the start megan - it is all so fresh and raw for you.

You are coping by getting up and dressed and meeting those deadlines you have to at work - you deserve a pat on the back for that. So you might not be giving 100% at the moment - you are phisically unable to right now. If you feel deep down you really are not coping then get yourself some help like QD said - you have been through so much and I can feel your sadness.

I am sorry I can't help more. Please know that what you are feeling is totally normal after such a trauma (and a long one at that) and be good to yourself.
We are here ..
Pipkin x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

M, 

So annoyed - wrote lengthy reply only to have it lost, now too tired to repeat, forgive me! Will endeavour to try again tomorrow!!!!!

MM xxxxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Megan,

Just wanted to know I have read your eloquant post and will try and reply soon. My work is similar to yours and I know just how that feels. Right now I too am finding the long term project is going nowhere while I keep my email inbox totally up to date! Right now I need to go to bed, sorry that I can't reply more fully for a while.

Thinking of you,

Jq xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi there Megan

Oh how I relate to your feelings.  I too have always prided myself on being one of lifes "copers" and could I cope with the fallout of IVF, no I couldn't.

Like you we have poor quality frosties at the clinic which, no matter how guilty I felt, I simply couldn't bring myself to go through with another treatment, more loss.  It's all so damned difficult.

When our treatment ended I was the head of finance and operations for an SME and only I knew if I was really doing a good job or not and mostly I did a pretty poor job if I'm honest but got away with it. My coping strategy was to deal with small bite sized chunks of work and have another, small bite-sized chuck waiting in the wings.  Bit by bit it helped get me through the day.

As you work for a big company, is there any chance of getting another job within the same firm,  or doing the same job at a desk within a corporate facility, that would at least get you out of the house and might decrease your isolation.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of it at the moment.

Thinking of you

flipper


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

I think the thing that hit me the hardest was feeling the pressure of what to do with my life now I wasn't going to be a mother. For the past 5 years I had being working towards being a stay at home mum only to discover that was not my destiny. At present I am a part time self employed reflexologist/aromatherapist (business is not doing well) and a part time administrator. In my previous job I was PA to Head of Corporate Comms for a very large company and an Events and Hospitality organiser. It was a great job but my health suffered so I gave it up to go back to my first love, holistic therapies. Unfortunately this does not bring in a lot of money and my admin job stressed me out as my boss is a bit odd. I took 5 weeks off and at first I put alot of pressure on myself to sort my future out. That was at the beginning of the road, now I know that I want to continue with my business but maybe I should change my office job. I also realised that although DH would love to see more money coming in, it is my time now and I will do and work at my own pace. 

Give yourself sometime off, it is important and nothing to be ashamed of. Most of us on this thread are life's copers and most of us have realised that we needed to at some point take some time off. Last week I felt physically healthy for the first time in 8 months, that would never have happened if I didn't take the time off. I am now back at work and no-longer shouting or snapping at people and can handle stress alot better oh and even managing to laugh again. So at the beginning it all seems crap but it does get better and the ladies on here are wonderful hand holders. Good luck and excuse the rather long post.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Have to agree with everything that everyone has said, about finding it hard to get on with 'life' after treatment failure. I've often felt like I was wading through treacle, and felt such a 'fraud' and also that everyone would see just how crap I was at my work - because everything takes a battering and suffers after an enourmous blow like treatment failure, end of the road etc.

If you think counselling could be for you then go for it I say - it doesn't make anyone less of a person because they have had counselling - I've done it myself and found it so therapeutic being able to simply tell someone my story without having to take their emotions on board - hope this makes sense? It was a relief and a release I have to say...

We are here for you hon, and we hear you loud and clear. Think of us holding onto you very tightly whilst you wade your way through this, we aren't going to let you go and we understand...

Sending you much love and tons of support
Emcee xxx


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

What can I say? 
Thank you so much for replying, showing your concern, sharing your experiences and just blooming well being there. I can't tell you how much that means to me just now.
Sad as I am to hear it, its a relief to know that you identify with how I feel. 
I went to see a counsellor today. It was good to talk to her but I have to say that the overwhelming feeling I had was exhaustion. I am tired of explaining how this feels and feeling the need to justify my sadness and inability to function just now.
My biggest issue day to day is getting through 8 hours at work where I feel highly unproductive and where I am conscious I will fail to hit a big deadline at end April the way I am going. I have decided that I will do all I can and then I will take a week off at the beginning of May just to sort my head out a bit and have time to stop. I so need that. It really struck me today when the counsellor had to say, "keep breathing, you seem to have stopped breathing". I really am that tired! 
Love and thanks to you all,
MeganXXX


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## jules32_uk (Jun 7, 2006)

Hi Megan and to everyone else on this thread!

I have been raeding your posts over the last couple of days - thinking they all sound like me!  I am not really sure where I am at the moment to be honest.  We had a BFN on 4 April and this was suppose to be our last go.  DH is ready to close the door but I don't know if I'm quite there - I'm on the fence and just sitting there hoping that something will come my way and give me a glimmer of hope.

I had about 5 weeks off work for this treatment and started my time off at the stimming stage.  I found out the Thursday before Easter that it didn't work and only really had 4 days to come to terms with what's happened and where I am right now.  I  wish I had booked more time off this side of treatment really.  The people I am closest to there know my situation and have said sorry but don't really know what to say.

I work for a big co. too - approx 1400 people on the site.  I work in HR and so its a very people facing position and I feel I have to put a brave face on every day at the moment.  I am so tired in the mornings and just don't want to get up as I seem ton have no enthusiasm for anything at the moment especially work and I feel I've nothing to look forward to.  Does anyone else feel the same.  I love my DH and we have a great relationship but I feel really empty and numb at the moment.

At times I feel I need a change and a new start.  DH may have the possibility of a transfer with his job that woud mean a move to Derbyshire and a bigger new house.  I like that idea and seem to be clinging to that as if its the only good thing at the moment and DH is worried I will really fall down again if this doesn't come off and he feels pressured now.  

My job is getting me down at the moment, I'm not sure if its related to the treatment or I'm just losing interest anyway as I was getting a bit fed up before.  I have men coming up asking about paternity leave etc and although I'm brave it gets me down as everyone asks "ah - is it your first - how lovely" and I know I should be pleased but I just feel jealous.  Is this normal??

I just think I am in limbo at the moment - I haven't yet accepted it but I know I need to move on.

I would love to have one more go because I was convinced we would have some frozen ones but we didn't and I feel cheated out of my last attempt but money, time and the emotional rollercoaster and of course what it does to our bodies is making me really think about it.

I get annoyed when people say that we should have tried sooner but DH and I diidn't meet until I was 35, so didn't ahve the chance.  I know I haven't been through years and years of treatment many of you have but it still really hurts!!!

Jules x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Jules so sorry to hear about your BFN. Like we all have said both you and Megan need to take some time off to grieve. I pushed myself after my last BFN by doing up one house whilst buying another and then moving followed by a housewarming party, holiday to see friends and then Christmas. Naturally by March I was so stressed out because I hadn't dealt with my grief that I was shattered and not nice to be around. My Dr signed me off for 4 weeks and I took an extra week as leave. I have never done that before but I am so glad I did. 

People around you need to know that you can only take so much and it's time to tell them. Be brave and be good to yourselves, both of you. Let the pain out and bring new meaning and light into your lives, it will happen and for those jealous days that we all have you can post all your frustrations to us. Everyone knows and understands. Keep in touch and thinking of you both


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## jules32_uk (Jun 7, 2006)

Thanks Yamoona!  I will do my best, I know I need more time, I just don't think work will give me anymore as I've just had 5 weeks off for treatment.  I have booked myself into The Sanctuary in Covent Garden on Wednesday for a Spa Day.  I think it will be good for me.  I've been ther a few times over the last few years and by goin g by myself it will give me some me time and thinking time in great surroundings with some pampering thrown in too.  Just what I need.

Yamoona - I'm sure I've seen you on another thread.  Were you having treatment at The Chaucer?  That's where we had our treatment!!

Jules x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Jules, 

EVERYTHING you are feeling is normal; the tiredness, the jealousy, the need for change, the frustration with people's comments (I met my hubby a bit later on too). The length of time over which we have treatment isn't relevant; in my case I was on a serious clock because of approaching menopause, so did all three treatments in one year, but I don't think anyone on this thread would suggest that either you or I have suffered less just because our losses occurred over a tighter time scale than others. 

Lots of women stop to post on these pages without being sure if they have reached the end of treatment, and I just wanted to say 'that's ok'. If, for the time being, you feel more at home with us than anywhere else, then so be it, and should you decide to get back on the wheel, we'll support you then too. 

Finally, I want to reassure you that there is life after treatment - not always easy - but nevertheless so many of us here are doing it, making a success of our existence, determined to make sure that we define the role that childlessness has in our lives, and not the other way around. 

Welcome, keep posting, ranting, etc, etc.....!

Megan, 

1. I'm glad you had a chance to talk today and I utterly understand the feeling of, ' bl**dy hell, you mean I've got to go all the way through my story yet again?'
2. You can meet the deadline, I have absolute faith in you, and your decision to then take time for you is completely brilliant.

Go girl!

MM xxx


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Jules,
Welcome. I am glad you have found some help too in the words of all these wise women. I am a fine one to speak but do give yourself time. Your last result is so raw and painful that you are not in the right place to make a decision. The spa idea sounds fab. 
From personal experience you will know when you have done enough and when its time to stop. I asked that question again and again but in the end I knew we had given in a fair go, no regrets in the future, time to start letting go. Only you and your DH will know when that will be. 
In the meantime be kind to yourself. I know you have had time off but if you need more then you need more. Take care, keeping ranting and asking questions! I so feel for you but if you are looking for some of the best women on the planet you have come to the right place!
Love MeganXX


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Jules, hi and yes I did have both my treatments at the Chaucer. We must be quite near to each other!


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Again Megan,

I still would be willing to share with you how we can deal with the long term work issues post giving up ttc if that is helpful. Please pm me if you would like to discuss this further. I think I am back on track, but dreading an appraisal! I am wondering if a change is what I need, but on the other hand I take pleasure in knowing I am good at what I do!

Love to you

Jq xxx


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

jq,
It would be wonderful to share any experiences or top hints you may have.
I will pm you.
Love MeganXX


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Don't know about top hints!!!! Will look out for pm, but please bear with me for a while - friend to stay next 2 evenings and I am having 2 birthday celebrations, one on Fri and one on Sat. Lucky me!

Love Jq xxx


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