# 1st ICSI - BFN



## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

I'm devastated!
  
The whole treatment went really well and I had 2 blasts put back. I just dont understand why it didn't work. We dont have frosties either which makes the situation worse.
  
We've got one more attempt on the NHS and then that's it as we cant afford to fund it ourselves. We're taking a break until May/June time and then we'll try again.
  
I just dont understand why life has to be so cruel x


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

MrsPaddy, so sorry to hear about your negtive cycle, it's not easy to deal with at all so big hugs. I'd recommend having at least 3-4 months before your next cycle in  order to emotionally recover and also allow your body to physically recover, maybe if finances allow, take a holiday prior to the cycle so you can fully chill out and be relaxed.

Have you anyone to talk to about your IVF? DH or another close family member of friend? x


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

Yeah, my hubby is being very supportive at the moment and I know I can talk to him. It's just horrible cos there is so much more pressure when you know it's the last attempt next time x


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

MrsPaddy, I agree, it does seem like there is pressure on but try not to think that way otherwise it'll consume your thoughts every wakening moment..use the next few months to spend time enjoying things with your DH, go for walks, pamper yourself and try not to think about IVF and IF...hard I know..


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

Mrs Paddy

I have also just had my first ICSI with a BFN. Know exactly how your feeling, it's awful isn't it?

We've been trying to conceive since I was 26 and I just feel like my best motherhood years are passing me by!! It's so frustrating all this fetility stuff. Another of my best friends has just text me this morning saying she is pregnant!!! How come all my friends (and sister who's pregnant now) just get pregnant straight away. I feel like it's an insult on my feminiity that they can just get pregnant straight away and I can't, like I'm not as womanly as them. Each person that tells me their pregnant just kicks me a little bit more. I know that's so selfish feeling like that, but I've wanted a husband and a baby since I was a child myself, and friends who haven't ever wanted them, decided they do and they get pregnant straight away!!!!

Like you say life is so cruel. 

We also had 2 embies transfered and all the treatment went great, and like you I wanted explainations but I just think there are any. Our centre doesn't do blast transfers so we were slightly behind you on that one.

When will you try again? I am waiting on my 6 weeks follow up app which is on the 15th March. 

I want to try again straight away but not sure if I should wait like you say beach girl. I don't want to wait and let more time pass me by and I feel physically fine but who knows. 

J xx


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

I feel exactly the same as you and understand what you mean. I've been with my husband over eight years and we're the only one in the family who doesn't have kids. There's been a pregnancy every year so we're getting kicked all the time. I think if one more person says they're pregnant it will send me over the edge. It's just not fair!

We're taking a break cos my body needs to rest as it's been through a lot and I dont think I'd cope emotionally if I started straight away.

We've got one more go of ICSI so going to wait 3 - 4 months and then try again. It's personal choice though, some people like to start straight away x


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

J9L, sorry to hear about your recent negative cycle, as you say it's hard when all your family are having children and you aren't..hope that you have lots of supportive friends x

MrsPaddy, big hugs, hope that you're ok x


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## sqwelch125 (Nov 4, 2010)

Hi MrsPaddy

I am in exactly the same boat as you! - why us!! Sometimes I think I must have done something bad in a previous life. It is just not fair. There is no god. I cant cope with this torture  

I to had 2 blasts put back on 8th Feb and on 16th Feb AF turned up 2 days before test date  

I had 14 eggs collected, 10 ICSI'd and 8 fertilised, they pushed to 6 day transfer. They all gradually dwindled away and they told me on the final morning that only 2 left as the rest had arrested overnight (had 1 'slow' embie and 1 was basically rubbish quality) - I was crying on my way to ET as felt totally gutted.  I now doubt blast stage and wish I had had 2 put back at 3 day and frozen the rest, if they were poor quality why push them on?

Now left with 1 more funded cycle which really puts the pressure on as I am starting to think of ways to raise 5K in case it doesnt work.

We could start next month but DH has said I need a break and to get over this emotionally and physically so we are going to book a cheap holiday and then start again in May so hopefully will be nice and refreshed - although I know I will be thinking about starting the next tx again  

Maybe we will cycle together  

Oh, to make things worse I made my friend cry who has a baby as said I couldnt be around babies at the moment and now she feels bad like she has upset me talking about her baby - it causes awkwardness. It will only be a matter of time before another pregnancy is announced in my office - I know 2 are planning it soon    I will put my happy congratulations face on again whilst inside I will be breaking down  

Remember you are not alone and here if you need someone to talk to  

Sqwelch x


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## sqwelch125 (Nov 4, 2010)

Hi MrsPaddy and all other ladies in devastation of a BFN  

I am in exactly the same boat as you! - why us!! Sometimes I think I must have done something bad in a previous life. It is just not fair. There is no god. I cant cope with this torture  

I to had 2 blasts put back on 8th Feb and on 16th Feb AF turned up 2 days before test date  

I had 14 eggs collected, 10 ICSI'd and 8 fertilised, they pushed to 6 day transfer. They all gradually dwindled away and they told me on the final morning that only 2 left as the rest had arrested overnight (had 1 'slow' embie and 1 was basically rubbish quality) - I was crying on my way to ET as felt totally gutted.  I now doubt blast stage and wish I had had 2 put back at 3 day and frozen the rest, if they were poor quality why push them on?

Now left with 1 more funded cycle which really puts the pressure on as I am starting to think of ways to raise 5K in case it doesnt work.

We could start next month but DH has said I need a break and to get over this emotionally and physically so we are going to book a cheap holiday and then start again in May so hopefully will be nice and refreshed - although I know I will be thinking about starting the next tx again  

Maybe we will cycle together  

Oh, to make things worse I made my friend cry who has a baby as said I couldnt be around babies at the moment and now she feels bad like she has upset me talking about her baby - it causes awkwardness. It will only be a matter of time before another pregnancy is announced in my office - I know 2 are planning it soon    I will put my happy congratulations face on again whilst inside I will be breaking down  

Remember you are not alone and here if you need someone to talk to  

Sqwelch x


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

Hiya,

Yep, I get everything you've said. There are so many unanswered questions but dont see how they can answer them when the treatment went well.

The only thing I think of is should they have put the embryos back sooner than day 5 and why couldn't they freeze any cos I had 5 left!

I also wonder if the pessaries worked cos I found they didn't always absorb (some went down the loo when going for wee or on underwear).

We'll hopefully be starting again in May/June so yeah we could be cycle buddies. I haven't been for my follow up appointment either cos dont want to go back there yet and hubby is also working away soon. Will prob try and go in April as just feel I need a break.

I'm also here if u want to talk x


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## lindylou1 (Feb 3, 2011)

Hi,

Hope you don't mind me joining you ont his thread. I am so sorry to read that you are going through the same thing as me. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

DH and I have just had a BFN from our first IVF cyle and I echo everything you ladies have been saying. It hurts so much, I keep asking DH what we have done that was so bad that we deserve this to happen to us. There are lots of ladies in my work who are pg at the moment as well and because I have been on restricted duties during the tx everyone has assumed it's because I'm pg. 

This is by far the worst part of the treatment cycle and the most difficult part to deal with. The tww was a breeze compared to this part.

We were very lucky in that we had six embryos frozen so we are hoping to have a FET cycle in May/June so maybe we will all end up cycling at the same time.

Lynn xx


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

Hiya,

Of course you can join this thread, no probs. I'm sorry to hear you've also got a BFN x


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

Hi lindylou1

Welcome!!! Sorry you've had to join this forum in the first place!! I wish we could all just get pregnant naturally and not have to go through this.

Like you say it's not fair. I spent yesterday in tears after my cousin told me she was pregannt with her 3rd, kept saying to hubby like you 'what have we even done to deserve this'. 

But as someone told me after my failed attempt on 2 Feb, to see the rainbow you have to have the rain. I know that will mean nothing to you know, and I know unfortunately how you will be feeling. Try to stay strong hun, you will and we all will get what we want, we unlike others just have to go through this horrible bit first.

xxxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hello everyone I so so empathise with the way your all feeling, this infertility lark is such a touch one.  I also find it hard because i don't really think people believe that its not going to happen if your young!  If that makes any seance?? No that made no seance at all   .  I think people believe its bound to happen one day if our young and there for don't really take it seriously!  


My DH always says it does not matter how many other people get pg or how easily it happens for them, we have our own journey and that's the only thing that matters.  If only it was that simple   , but i do agree with him.  Of course its not fare, i have tried much harder than all my 3 Sils but they have all had children, one is even on number 3.  But you know what, who cares, it is what it is.  I try really hard to be graceful about our situation and not to become angry and bitter.  I want to look back and be proud of how i handled things and if we are lucky enough to have a baby..... or 2 then none of that will matter anyway.  


Remain strong and focused as that will see you through the tough times, try hard not to get too wrapped up in the injustice of it all as it all becomes bitter and twisted.  Good luck xxx


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

Hi coweyes

I couldn't agree more. It is difficult this journey we are all on and I would love to think I could just get pg eaily like everyone else.

I know when I am having down days and I think to myself 'how come it can't happen for us where good people' but in reality life doesn't work that way. As people say, anything worth having doesn't come easily.

I know what you are saying about age, it bugs me because I'm 29 and we have been ttc since I was 25/6 people say 'ah your young it will happen no problem' but they don't realise their is a medical reason why we are getting pg. 

That said I know people who have gone through this horrible journey for 7 years and then fell pg naturally twice since giving up, so I suppose there is no reasoning or logic to it and if you try to find one you will only drive yourself insane. It will literally happen when it's your time like your dh says.

It doesn't make it any easier when it's something you would really love, but dh always says to me when I get down 'yes but so and so doesn't have a husband that loves them like I love you, they may have a baby but they don't have a marriage like ours'. I know he is only saying that to cheer me up, but it always makes me smile.

Keep strong girls, we will achieve our dreams, I just have to believe it. xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

JPL

I know that i have lost my way many many times and constantly have to re focus myself.  It is so hard not to get angry with others and start asking why.  The thing is there is no real answer, this is just the hand we have been given.  As you can see from  my signature i have had several disappointments but i try hard to look forward and not question what has happened.  I also try not to put emotion to things that have happened, if that makes seance, but that is particularly hard.  I don't know we are all different but that's how i have coped. xxxxx


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## ldh26 (Feb 6, 2011)

Hey girls.  Can I join?  I just had my 1st test result today and am really struggling. Failed ICSI.  I don't know many people it has worked for 1st time so am just telling myself that is the reason.  Can't contemplate any other.  
Can't believe how long they make you wait until doing another cycle!  I would start again tomorrow if I could.  Feel like I am getting desperate and it's not nice 

Oh and can't remember who mentioned a workplace full of pg women but oh yes!  We have 4 on mat leave at the minute in a team of 9.  I can't deal with all the thoughts of why not me, it's so horrible you're right. 

Anyway, would be grateful for some chats to stop me completely losing it! 

Lisa xx


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

Hi Lisa,

Sorry you got a BFN. It's so hard isn't it. You cant help but get your hopes up and then they get shattered, it's so unfair. I've noticed how everyone varies, some people want to start straight away and others want a break first. I got my BFN last month and I want to have a break, thinking of starting again in May/June.

It's also stressful cos next time will be our last attempt. We cant afford to fund ourselves, esp with no guarantee of it working.

We've possibly got a christening to go to at the start of May and I dont know at the moment if I can go to something which is all about celebrating a baby. I love my nieces and nephew (on hubby's side of family) and I'm really happy for them but I think it might be too much. Will have to wait and see what happens x


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## ldh26 (Feb 6, 2011)

Cripes mrs paddy that's a hard one. I don't think I could cope but we're all different, it's a wee while yet. My sister in law is having a baby in may too. I think I might hibernate until the next OTD! I really get that jealousy badly. Hope this gets better eventually...


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## lindylou1 (Feb 3, 2011)

Hi ladies,

Hope you are all okay.

I have not managed to post the past couple of days as been really busy at work which I think has helped take my mind of things a bit. Still feeling a bit teary but not as bad as I was. I am one of those who wants to get started again straight away. I'm a bit impatient and don't like waiting for things. I was one of those kids who got up at 3am on christmas morning having only fallen asleep at 1am. I must've driven my parents mad!!   I know May/June isn't really is not long to wait but it just feels like ages.

I too have been struggling with the feelings of bitterness and anger over the whole infertility situation. It's so difficult to keep putting that smile on your face when each new pregnancy is announced. We were invited round to our friends house a few weeks ago and I knew another couple were going who have recently annouced they are expecting their first child. DH was keen to go but I just couldn't face it. I just find it so difficult pretending to be happy and excited about someone else's pregnancy and babies then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. It's a vicious circle. I really don't like feeling like this but I just can't help it. 

I also find that people advise you to stop trying and it'll happen when you least expect it. What they don't seem to realise is that when you want something so badly it's impossible to stop trying. 

Some of the posts on this thread have been very inspiring and the next time I feel down I will try to remind myself how lucky I am to have the love of a wonderful husband and I will think of that rainbow which I hope will brighten up our lives one day soon. 

big   to you all,

Lynn xx


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## ldh26 (Feb 6, 2011)

Sorry Mrspaddy, I don't think I was very clear - it reads like I am talkign about your next cycle, I meant that the christening is a wee wile away. Blame it on the BFN  

Lindylou1, OMG what a post.  Summed everything up that I am feeling just now but put better than I ever could.  I think people generally prefer other people happy and uncomplicated and that is why it is so difficult for other folk to deal with our pain.  There is an expectation that you will be happy for others or they will end up beign the bitter one.  I have found myself doing it while feeling absolutely empty inside because I'm worried about what folk would think of me.  
My friend who had a baby in December didn't really understand why I got upset when she was going round her house showing me all the stuff I could have when she was done with it!  Part of it as well is that people don't really understand how complex IVF and ICSI are and advice like "if you stop worrying it will happen naturally" is how some poeple genuinely understand it.  Bless my wee grandad was determined to know as much as possible about it (I spared him the gory bits!) but then said to me last week that if I'd done everything the doctor had said it should work!   

I was considering forwaarding on that "empty arms" vid to a few folk as I think it would help them understand but then found that I felt ridiculously guilty as it might upset them!!!  Thank goodness for FF xxxx


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

No worries, I knew you meant the christening x


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## lindylou1 (Feb 3, 2011)

ldh26,

I totally agree that in general people don't really know much about IVF/ICSI or IF treatment of any shape or form. One friend asked me just before we started treatment if we had considered researching the internet and trying a turkey baster rather than paying four grand for treatment. Huh?? She was being deadly serious too!   I was a bit shocked and lost for words at first but had to laugh afterwards. If only it could be that easy! 

I have been fortunate in that my two immediate bosses at work have been very supportive and surprisingly the most supportive one is a guy.  Another thing I find really difficult is people who aren't aware of our situation saying "Are you not pregnant yet?" or "Is it not about time you and Dave were having kids, you're not getting any younger." Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I usually just reply with "Maybe one day" or "Plently time yet, no rush". What else can you say? I fear that one of these days I will lose the plot when someone says something like that, but then of course I would feel so guilty and sorry for them afterwards. 

You are totally right, thank goodness for FF.

Lynn xx


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## roxychick121 (Aug 2, 2008)

Ah Girls, ive been reading your thread its amazing how much we all think alike when it comes to IF


I too unfortunately got a BFN didnt even get to test date its 2mrw but my AF came on monday, me and Dh were absolutely devastated. We only get 1 free go on NHS and we have already paid private for the 1st attempt this was our 2nd.


We cant afford to go for another go and to be honest 2rnds of ICSI within 1 yr is enough for me for a while.


I went back to work yesterday felt like i was a zombie ......    didnt want to be there but need to keep my mind active. and yes my work is full of woman preggers cant even look at them at the moment    one of close friends is preggers too have to put on a brave face there now too    


I feel sometimes isolated and cant let myself say what i want to say or i will just break down into mulch so i just talk to my DH, to be honest i think this cycle has brought me and him closer than the last cycle. 


so this time every month i have to have something planned to keep me sane


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## Guest (Mar 3, 2011)

Hi everyone,

Can I join you? I have just broken a run of good news stories, by posting my BFN on the 2ww thread, so feeling pretty terrible right now. It's our first complete IVF cycle, as the first was cancelled before Christmas and both my age and AMH levels are against us, so have really been feeling the pressure, especially as there is nothing 'wrong' with my DH and so it all seems to be down to me. After a lengthy and nail-biting cycle on max stimms we only had one egg, transferred at 3 days, so we knew our chances were slim. Even though I felt very premenstrual over the last few days, I was still devastated to see just the one line.   

Anyway, just wanted a rant somewhere where people would understand.

Jen xx


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## ldh26 (Feb 6, 2011)

Aw Jen I'm sorry     

Although you're a lovely presence on these boards, it's sad to see anyone else on this thread.  Rant away lovely, I feel your pain.  Woke up feeling all positive earlier and an hour later got a rush of sadness.

Just noticed that you are here too Roxychick.  Sorry to hear your news     Have you had your NHS cycle?  Couldn't work it out.  As I said earlier on, I am desperate to go again, going to use the opportunity to try to get fitter/lose weight.  

The clinic kept saying I did really well yesterday as they said a lot of people don't get to ET. I know the nurse was trying to be nice but I just said, I didn't do so well where it mattered!  It's that uncertainty that makes another ycle so daunting isn't it. 

xxx


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## Guest (Mar 3, 2011)

Thanks so much *Lisa.* It really means a lot to be around others who TOTALLY get it, especially as my lovely DH is away at the mo. I was so sorry when you posted about your own test; life just isn't fair. I couldn't face phoning the clinic this morning, so chickened out and sent an email. At ET they said exactly the same to me, about the numbers that don't make it that far. My very practical DH said that he thought we just had to look at the ET as a 'head start' and not a cert. Of course he's right, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I've got a follow-up appointment next week, so guess we'll make a new plan then. I swing between just wanting to get on with another cycle asap and just wanting to run away and hide, but there is real time pressure for us and I think I probably just want to get going again. Guess I'll see what the consultant says next week.

Anyway, I thought I'd managed to stop crying a little while ago, but no...... Oh, well, at least I get to have a glass of wine (or possibly several) at the weekend 

We're going to collect our new dog tomorrow, so there'll definitely be something to focus my mind over the weekend  The friend who this morning suggested that I 'ought to go shopping to cheer myself up' probably doesn't quite get how huge this was for us. That said, I think we all ought to be very nice to ourselves just now and if that involves wine, shopping, and/or hiding under the duvet a bit then I think that's fine.

xxxx


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## ldh26 (Feb 6, 2011)

Oh Jen, that coment about shopping is a bit insensitive isn't it?  I do think it must be hard for people to know what to say if they don't get it.  I think they know you are hurting but don't understand the extent of it or what to do to make it better.  When we were first diagnosed, my MIL trying to be supportive said "you should foster, get your maternal feelings out that way.  I mean you've that big house sitting empty...."  She's lucky she's cute, that's all I can say!  

I am a bit ashamed to say that I am feeling a wee bit hungover after last night's wine!  2 glasses!  I am not good at drinking.  I might finish the bottle by the end of the weekend and leave it at that.  Won't help the weight loss.

So excited that you are getting a dog though!  We got two kittens last year, shortly after diagnosis.  It's been helpful to have a wee bit of unconditional love (well, it's less with  but you know what I mean!) and also a focus away from the stress of TX.  My girlcat used to "supervise" my injections every morning!  She was fascinated but she also sits in the sink when I'm having a bath to watch the bubbles! Weirdo....

As for the crying, I have been trying to go to the shop for 2 hours now to get stuff to make DH a nice dinner and keep wobbling.  I think we need to be good to ourselves and not push it too quickly girls, that's today's lesson for me anyway. xxx


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## lindylou1 (Feb 3, 2011)

Hi girlies,

I'm sorry to see others joining this thread as I know it means more sadness and I don't like to think of anyone having to go through all this sadness.

Roxychick, I really feel your pain. My AF arrived before OTD too. I was feeling quite positive and had convinced myself it had worked then WHAM, AF arrived early. I hadn't even had any AF symptoms like I usually do so it was completely out of the blue and a huge shock.

Jen, sorry to hear your sad news too, and also that your DH is away. What kind of dog are you getting. Hopefully it will help take your mind of things, at least for a little while. 

ldh, I was having a wee chuckle reading about your kitty sitting in the sink watching the bubbles, how cute. 

We don't have any pets   We would love to get a dog but we both work silly shifts and long hours and it wouldn't be fair to get one at the moment. Hopefully we will be able to get one one day. I keep threatening to get a cat but DH won't have it as he's allergic  

We definately need to be good to ourselves, I agree. I managed to get myself to the gym today but have undone all my hard work since I came home and raided the biscuit tin and poured myself a LARGE glass of wine. Will try harder tomorrow (maybe)  

Lynn xx


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## roxychick121 (Aug 2, 2008)

Evening Ladies


Just back from work and have to say I feel better for working takes my mind of it   


But you no what sometimes i feel like its not happened and then all of a sudden i get this pang of guilt and shock, you no i think i have put myself in this little bubble and im scared to come out of it!!!   Its great to be able to talk ladies i don't feel so silly    i think parents/family/friends try so hard on what to say they don't realise they hurt u in some way   they just don't mean any harm , watching marshlands oh scary xx


lindylou can i have some of that wine   , ldh cat in the sink    how cute, jen enjoy the puppy xx


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

Hi everyone,

It's really great to be able to talk to other people who understand what we're going through. 

Hubby's away for work at the moment, left on Wednesday and gets back on Monday, counting down the days.

I just dont understand why life has to be so unfair. Everyone in the family has children except us so it's hard when all the birthday parties come up cos everyone is there with their kids. I also hate it when people ask when we're going to have children, they just dont realise how sensitive that question can be.

I cant help but think was it not bad enough that i lost my mum to breast cancer five years ago this year and now I also face not being a mum myself

I'm going to book my follow up appointment soon but not looking forward to it x


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## roxychick121 (Aug 2, 2008)

mrspaddy i hate it too, birthdays are hard time, i have to go all the friends kids birthday parties and watch by silently crying inside. its got to the stage now where i make up excuses not to go. 


all my friends have kids now except us its truly heart breaking for us xx


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## lindylou1 (Feb 3, 2011)

Roxychick and MrsPaddy, it is difficult and I have made up excuses myself not to go the parties and stuff, even buying kiddies presents hurts doesn't it? Don't get me wrong it's not that I grudge it in any way, it's just that you want to be able to choose kiddies stuff for children of your own instead of always for other people's kids. It's the new baby gift buying that I find the worst, it breaks my heart even going into the likes of mothercare. 

MrsPaddy, It's awful when DH is away isn't it. My DH is going away for three weeks at the end of the month to trek to Everest base camp with some of his workmates and I am dreading rattling around the house on my own. I stupidly took the first week off as well and have no idea what I am going to do with myself for a whole week. I am considering just going away on my own for a week somewhere hot and sunny with a suitcase full of books but not sure if it would be a good idea and if I should just try to arrange to meet friends each day to fill up the week.

Roxychick, you can come share my wine, no problem. LARGE or small glass?   I am pleased to hear work was okay and took your mind off things. 

Lynn xx
Roxy


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## salgil (Mar 10, 2011)

Hi ladies

thought i would see if i can join in too. Had my first ivf/icsi in March and got a BFN.  Feeling lost and sad and DH is so disappointed that I thought he was going to cry. Meanwhile I cry daily. Have been off work for a month and felt I couldn't talk to friends about this as I doubt they would understand. Am going back to work on Monday and hoping I will cope.


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

Sorry to hear you got a BFN. It's horrible when you get your hopes up for them to come crashing down. The only thing I can say is try to support each other and take all the time you need. 

Hope everyone else is doing ok?

I've got my FU appointment tomorrow, not looking forward to it x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi All


Sorry to hear about all the bfn.  Coming from someone who has had 3 bfn, i would say try not to see one cycle of ivf as the bee all and end all.  I know that does not make sense, i will try and explain what i mean.  I learnt after my second bfn to try and see it as a longer journey. Yes you hope that it works as quickly and with as few treatments as needed.  Some people are luckier than others and achieve their dream quicker but others take longer.  Thats why its called the ivf roller coaster.  Hope this makes sense and remember to stay focused. xxxx


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## Daisy Princess (Jan 25, 2010)

Hello Ladies, 


I got a bfn yesturday, we're devestated.  It was our first cycle, my DH has obstructive Azoospermia so it will never happen naturallly.  I've done everything right, no alcohol, no caffiene, 2L water every day, conception vits, brazilnuts, helathy diet etc etc, I've not had any bleeding, so when we got the news yetsurday we were shocked and devestated.  


I want to start the next cycle ASAP, we've got to wait 6 weeks for a follow up appointment then the waiting lists for SSR are normally 3 months.  We've got 2 more funded cycles but I keep thinking are we going to end up childless for the rest of our lives.  




xxx


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

Hi Daisy princess

I have been following your posts on the CFL thread as I am having my treatment there. We had our first cycle of ICSI there in March and I know how you are feeling. YOU WILL NOT be childless and you will have a family you deserve it's just going to take longer for some of us. When I first had my BFN I was like you wanting to start straight away and couldn't work out why it didn't work as everything went exactly the way the CFL said the treatment should, we also had 2 embies transferred but I suppose it just wasn't my time. Someone said this to me after my first go and it really hit home to me 'remember to see the rainbow you have to experience the rain first'. I know it's hard now and it's like a big slap in the face (my best friend and sister found out they were preg the week of my BFN) and that really hit me. I was counting the days until follow up app and was adamant I wanted to start again asap but when I got there it all hit me again and I realised I was not ready so soon. So me and DH have booked a holiday in June and are having 2 months out. I hope you find some comfort over the next few weeks and take some time to pamper yourself after everything you have been through. Wishing you lots of luck and love for the future. xx


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## Daisy Princess (Jan 25, 2010)

Thanks J9L, It's a horrible feeling when they say it's a negative, especially worse for you when you found out your friend and sister are preg.  We've got a holiday with our 2 dogs in June, by the time we get the date for DH's PESA then I expect it will be August time so I'm hoping our bodies will be ready for it all again.
Hope you have a great holiday, relax and enjoy each other's company.  I hope your next cycle is successful, wishing you good luck for the future  xxxxx


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## mrspaddy (Nov 10, 2009)

I'm sorry you got a BFN x


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

Thanks Daisy Princess

It's weird isn't it because I secretly thought it was BFN but I was still clinging onto the slightest bit of hope that I might be wrong. We are enjoying taking a break from it all and like you say I think I may be ready for cycle 2 after a nice holiday but who knows. Your holiday will also do you the world of good and who knows we might be cycle buddies at CFL in July/august some time. Wishing you lots of luck for the future. xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hello ladies


I feel so much for you all i remember my first bfn it was totally heartbreaking.  Mine followed after a short bfp, so at the time tore my world apart.  I can remember thinking but i am young and that my treatment was text book!!!


Well after a total of 3 bfn i would say try not to see your journey and your hopes of mother hood defined by one cycle.  Try and see it as a longer journey than that a journey that will end when its ready to end, hopefully with a bundle of joy!  Basically try not to put a time limit on things or a limit to the number of tx as its really not helpful.  


After 3 bfn i have just found out that i have a chromazone issue which has affected all the treatment that i have had so far!!!  basically rendering them useless!!!  so basically my real treatment starts from here on cycle number 4.


good luck to you and i hope what i have written makes seance. xxxxxxx


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## J9L (Jan 19, 2011)

Coweyes- I understand totally what you are saying ( I am still new to the treatment game and still clinging onto the hope that I might get preg naturally, but of course I know that is nothing more than hope).

I'm pleased you have eventually found some answers as to why you tx hasn't worked, I can't believe it has taken so long though? You would think the clinics would have tested things like that. What will happen now? Will they give you tablets or somerhing? xx


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## jen747 (Oct 7, 2010)

Hello,

I've just been reading through the posts on here so thought I'd say hello rather than feel like a stalker! Your positive thoughts have made me pull myself together a bit after a day in tears. 

I had my first ICSI with a blast transferred and was feeling so positive as the clinic were so hopeful (we had 100% fertilisation and 7 of our 8 embryos made it to blast). Sadly I started  bleeding yesterday and today it became very heavy and an early response hpt confirmed the tx hadnt worked. My OTD should have been Thursday and I feel so gutted that we didnt even make it to test day.

I think only people who have experienced the heartbreak of IF and failed IVF can really understand how very disappointing and gutting this is. Its not as if we have infinite goes at trying or just have to wait until the next month or that we get to have fun trying like 'normal' people. All of my friends have children and my sister has 4 which makes it even harder.

Like other people have said, I'm scared that if it didn't work this time with the odds stacked in our favour, I'm terrified that it won't happen next time either.

I'm also wondering if its worth paying to have any tests done privately?

Thanks for listening (reading!

Jen
-x-


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## Daisy Princess (Jan 25, 2010)

Hello,
Jen, Could it be a implant bleed? maybe you've tested too early?  
Wow 100% fertilisation rate is great and your embies made it to blast which is really good, do have frozen embies?  I can't help with regards to going private as we're getting treatment through the NHS.  


J9L hope you are well, look forward to having a cycle buddy next time    we both having some good luck xxx


Coweyes -    for tx no 4, I hope it works out for you this time xx


Mrs Paddy - hope you are ok x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

J9L


No its more complicated than that i now need to pgd or cgd there not sure which one yet.  This basically means that the embryo is biopsied before its put back in me the embros that are effected are then discarded.    Its very very costly about £10,000 for one cycle   .  We are going to try and apply for nhs funding.  We have already had funding for our previous cycles but as this information was not know at the time out treatment was pretty useless!   .  We also need to see a geneticist to fully understand it all and to go through my family history.  This is our last chance as we can not continue with this indefornetly so hoping and praying that our luck is about to change.  Also hoping that the new clinic that we are now at will provide us with a good chance.  Well it can not be any worse than the last clinic. xxxxx


Daisy Princess Thank you


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## jen747 (Oct 7, 2010)

Hi everyone, 

Daisy Princess - afraid not, it is definately a BFN for this go. We have 6 frozen blasts so our next step will be FET.  We are getting NHS funded tx too, I just wondered whether it was worth paying for some of the tests such as NK cells etc. I know we were probably just unlucky that the blast didnt implant but there seem to be alot of people who go through several failed tx before they find there was something more wrong.

Coweyes - How did you discover the translocation problem? I've heard several people talk about this now - how common is it? Hope you manage to get the NHS funding. 

Jen
-x-


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## Anthu (Sep 7, 2010)

Hello ladies,

I have been reading the posts here and really feel for everyone who has had failed cycles. I just wanted to share my story with you. I have just begun my 3rd cycle after 2 previous failed ones and I am hoping it is 3rd time lucky for me. No one who hasn't gone through this will ever understand what a roller-coaster of emotions this is for us, but knowing that you are not alone in all this makes a huge difference. As some of you, all my firends and family seem to all either have just given birth or are pregnant, even though you started planning and trying for one long before any of them. It can be hard but you have to keep your head up and be strong.

I have very low AMH levels, have a small cyst on my ovary at the moment, have endometriosis and adenomyosis, blocked tubes, a possible hydrosalphinx, and the doctor has given me a 5-10% chance of success for this cycle.  I was previously unable too get a funded cycle, but since moving, this cycle is funded, which is great  I am a realist but you never know right..it may just be 3rd time lucky ?!! : 

I wish you all lots of baby dust..keep strong xx


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## Daisy Princess (Jan 25, 2010)

Anthu - I wish you all the best I hope you get a BFP 3rd time lucky


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## Anthu (Sep 7, 2010)

Thank you Daisy Princess  ... I am sorry about your recent BFN. Have you thought about how you are going to proceed next? 
xx


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## Daisy Princess (Jan 25, 2010)

Hello, yeah I want to try again, we've got our follow up appointment on 25th May.  I'm hoping to start again ASAP, but DH needs a PESA and there's normally a 3 month waiting list for the procedure, I suppose it give him time to heal from the last PESA as he had 10 stitches.  
Where are you up to in your cycle?


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## Anthu (Sep 7, 2010)

Hi..

Good luck..hope you can start soon. I just started stimming 3 days ago. Am on quite a high dose because of the poor response the last two times. First scan tomorrow, so I'm hoping for the best.


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## Daisy Princess (Jan 25, 2010)

Good Luck Anthu, fingers crossed I really hope it works for you xx


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