# Looking to move to DE and could really do with some help



## SidneyJ (Jun 8, 2017)

Hi everyone

I am 40 years old and have had four IVF cycles in the UK with OE. First two cycles were BFN, third cycle was a chemical and fourth has just resulted in a missed miscarriage. I have opted to try and see if things happen naturally. I am still waiting.

I have been thinking about my options going forward. Do I give up and accept a life childless, or do I look at DE....

My husband was never keen on DE before this recent loss, but he is now the one suggesting it.

I feel worried that DE would still result in a BFN or another miscarriage. I also have no idea where to start with looking at UK or abroad.

All our OE cycles have been self funded, therefore cost is a factor for us as we have spent a fortune already.

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you


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## Mac78 (Jul 11, 2017)

Hi Sidney,

I am really sorry for everything you have been through. I know how hard it it's to find strength to keep on going after each loss. I have never tried a cycle with my OE, because every clinic I visited in the UK was very discouraging as I suffer from POF, my AMH was 0.02 when I found I had POF. Even after the diagnoses, I managed to get pregnant twice, one naturally and another using clomid, mcc both before 8 weeks.

It took me some time to get my head around the idea of DE conception and my husband wasn't really keen either, but now that I am 6 months pregnant I wish we had made the decision much earlier so we could consider having 2 kids. However, my husband keeps reminding me about everything we have been through, so a lot to process and it was great that we took our time and were 100% about the DE process when we started.

After our second loss we discussed our options; adoption or ED conception and we were not ready for either. We kind of left thing as they were and I just guessed that with time we will accept life without children. But I always had this what-if question at the back of my mind. Then, I noticed that my husband was feeling down most of time, he would say it was work-related but I could feel it was something else. He is not much of sharing feelings type of guy, so I had to wait for the right moment to ask him what was really going on. When we talked I sensed that he was finding hard to accpet life without children, but he would never say these exact words because he didn't want to hurt me. I could also sense that he was more open to ED conception but again he would never say out loud as he didn't want to pressure me to do anything that didn't feel right to me.

This is when I had to ask myself some serious questions and reminded myself that the clock was ticking, so I had to make a decision before it was too late, even for ED.

How badly did I want to experience pregnancy? How badly did I want to experience the miracle of growing a life inside of me? Every time I asked myself these questions my heart will say pretty badly and I would remind myself that nothing came easy to me in my life, still I never gave up, so why would I give up now without even giving one try? Having a genetic related child was more important than not having any child at all? Why not try for me because this is what I always wanted and for the love of my life? 

Even though deep inside I knew that I was desperately to try, the fear of failure was still very loud in my mind and heart. I kept asking myself, what if doesn't work? How would I cope with another miscarriage? How this would affect my marriage? To deal with it I started meditating and running much more that I usually do, now I know that subconsciously I was already getting ready for the treatment. Then one day we went out for dinner and decided let's do it, otherwise we might regret for the rest of our lives. Just like that, the decision was made.

Whist researching about the ideal place to go ahead with the treatment, as we did not have a big budget for it. I kept preparing my mind, my body, and my soul for this journey. My husband was always very supportive and kept saying, let's not put too much pressure on ourselves. We are going to give our best shot and let's see what happens.

We decide that Spain was our best choice; highly recommended from a friend, costs, and easy to find a match because of my background. Just bear in mind that in Spain ED is anonymous, this was not an issue for us, so something to consider if this is important to you. From the moment we decided on the clinic to the actual transfer took 6 months. Only because I had a suspicious of a polyp on my lining so I had to go through a procedure to make sure it was all clear.

In Feb we had the confirmation of a donor matching and by mid march we had our transfer. BFP first attempt!

I believe that the very firt step is being 100% sure that this is the path for you, perhaps asking yourself crucial questions and listen to your heart. Of course, making sure that your husband is on the same page as you.

Once you are sure about your decision, choosing the place comes down to; cost, anonymous or not, if is abroad or in the UK how easy would be to find a match. In our case we didn't want endless info about the donor, just medical history and the check list of all the tests performed prior treatment. This was crucial for us and it became very expensive in the UK, as some of the tests on the donour were not part of the package so the final pricing was way above our budget. 

I am not sure if this was of any help, but if you have any question I am here.

Big


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## snowdropwood (Jan 24, 2016)

HI, 

Also very sorry for everything you have been through .  It must be heart braking. 

The post from Mac78 seems very thorough and helpful. 

I also had 4 own egg treatments last year and various other things previously and am having double donor IVF in the UK. I am 43 and it was a process getting here and the processing continues. I find the DCN Donor conception network helpful and various books and podcasts too. Maybe as single i really need/ value forums and other forms of support too.

I found the Consultant and co ordinater at clinic helpful at the start and even with the Covid shut down for 3 months it has been about 7 months from first appointment to recent transfer.    The non annonimity was really important for me and staying in the UK felt more managble in other ways too. 

I continue to seek advise and support from others who have travelled this path and am slowly finding moments of peace with the decisions and complexites i feel are involved . Also the clinic counsellor , who i have lots of phone sessions with, was so experienced and reassuring .  Not sure if any of this is useful, and best wishes in finding the best ways forward from here xx


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

Hi, I am sorry to know you are going through this. In general, eggs of young donors are used in IVF DE, so the risk of miscarriage is much lower. I would recommend discussing all of the options you have with yr doc, and then decide on further steps. x


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

Hello!

Saw your post and wanted to say hello. 

First I’m so sorry for your losses.

We went for DE after four failed own egg IVF. 

We used Altrui and went with their first match. I got pregnant first time with the donor egg and had our daughter last year.

She looks nothing like me at the moment - she’s just like her dad - but to be honest this could have been the case if my eggs. I adore her and am so happy I decided to go with this path. 

I’m having an embryo transferred tomorrow with one of our frozen embryos.

I don’t think there are any guarantees in life. I can’t say it’ll work or won’t result in a miscarriage and I send you 💗💗💗 but if your consultant has said its your eggs then it’s a path that’s worth exploring.

I loved being pregnant and had a very good pregnancy after four devastating years of BFN so i wish you lots of ❤❤❤

Rio 

X


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

P.P.S have you ever had a blasto transferred? Have the doctors said to try do donor?

Also there are so many women who use donor eggs but don’t talk about it - I know a handful of donor conceived children in real life so don’t feel like you’ll be alone cos you aren’t x


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## Mac78 (Jul 11, 2017)

Hi Rio2016,

I am really sorry for everything you have been through. I know how hard it it's to find strength to keep on going after each loss. I have never tried a cycle with my OE, because I suffer from POF, my AMH was 0.02 when I found I had POF. Even after the diagnoses, I managed to get pregnant twice, one naturally and another using clomid, mcc both before 8 weeks.

It took me some time to get my head around the idea of DE conception and my husband wasn't really keen either, but now that I am 7 months pregnant I wish we had made the decision much earlier so we could consider having 2 kids. However, my husband keeps reminding me about everything we have been through, so a lot to process and it was great that we took our time and were 100% about the DE process when we started.

After our second loss we discussed our options; adoption or ED conception and we were not ready for either. We kind of left thing as they were and I just guessed that with time we will accept life without children. But I always had this what-if question at the back of my mind. Then, I noticed that my husband was feeling down most of time, he would say it was work-related but I could feel it was something else. He is not much of sharing feelings type of guy, so I had to wait for the right moment to ask him what was really going on. When we talked I sensed that he was finding hard to accept life without children, but he would never say these exact words because he didn't want to hurt me. I could also sense that he was more open to ED conception, but again, he would never say out loud as he didn't want to pressure me to do anything that didn't feel right to me.

This is when I had to ask myself some serious questions and reminded myself that the clock was ticking, so I had to make a decision before it was too late, even for ED.

How badly did I want to experience pregnancy? How badly did I want to experience the miracle of growing a life inside of me? Every time I asked myself these questions my heart will say pretty badly and I would remind myself that nothing came easy to me in my life, still I never gave up, so why would I give up now without even giving one try? Having a genetic related child was more important than not having any child at all? Why not try for me because this is what I always wanted and for the love of my life?

Even though deep inside I knew that I was desperately to try, the fear of failure was still very loud in my mind and heart. I kept asking myself, what if doesn't work? How would I cope with another miscarriage? How this would affect my marriage? To deal with it I started meditating and running much more that I usually do, now I know that subconsciously I was already getting ready for the treatment. Then one day we went out for dinner and decided let's do it, otherwise we might regret for the rest of our lives. Just like that, the decision was made.

Whist researching about the ideal place to go ahead with the treatment, as we did not have a big budget for it. I kept preparing my mind, my body, and my soul for this journey. My husband was always very supportive and kept saying, let's not put too much pressure on ourselves. We are going to give our best shot and let's see what happens.

We decide that Spain was our best choice; highly recommended from a friend, costs, and easy to find a match because of my background. Just bear in mind that in Spain ED is anonymous, this was not an issue for us, so something to consider if this is important to you. From the moment we decided on the clinic to the actual transfer took 6 months. Only because I had a suspicious of a polyp on my lining so I had to go through a procedure to make sure it was all clear.

In Feb we had the confirmation of a donor matching and by mid march we had our transfer. BFP first attempt!

I believe that the very firt step is being 100% sure that this is the path for you, perhaps asking yourself crucial questions and listen to your heart. Of course, making sure that your husband is on the same page as you.

Once you are sure about your decision, choosing the place comes down to; cost, anonymous or not, if is abroad or in the UK how easy would be to find a match. In our case we didn't want endless info about the donor, just medical history and the check list of all the tests performed prior treatment. This was crucial for us and it became very expensive in the UK, as some of the tests on the donour were not part of the package so the final pricing was way above our budget.

I am not sure if this was of any help, but if you have any question I am here.

Big


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## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

Hello,

Everyone has given fantastic thoughts about ED etc, so not much else too add.

I myself was adopted at birth.  I've never really given it much thought, as my parents are my parents.  But, perhaps strangely, when I was told I wouldn't be able to have children with my oe, I didn't consider adoption.  I did however consider ED. I have no idea why.  Perhaps because I wanted to be pregnant? I don't know. 

We did oe IVF and it wasn't successful.  We moved on to ed and the first 2 attempts didn't work, but the 3rd attempt did and we had our 1st daughter.  We tried again and that resulted in our 2nd daughter.  I'm so pleased we made the decision to use ed. 

We used UK clinics and an agency called new life to source the donor. 

My friend however tried ed 4 times and none were successful.  She did become pregnant, but sadly suffered early miscarriage. She used an egg sharer.

I firmly believe, your parents don't have to be genetically related to you, to have a wonderful childhood.  

Good luck with your decision and PM if you need more info/insight x


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## snowdropwood (Jan 24, 2016)

June 2015  - just to say i found your post very interesting / encouraging . I am currently v early in DD pregnancy.  i listened to a live stream yesterday put on by Altrui and Becky from 'Defining Mum' ( ** page and website)  - i personally find this kind of thing really helpful.  Also find the DCN membership really helpful  .  

The UK clinic i moved to this year were so supportive and professional with the ED treatment, despite the shut down for 3 months. I think i will be less jittery when i see the 3 month scan so day at a time xx


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## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

Hi Snowdropwood

Ah, that's lovely to hear that I've helped in some way.  

I love a good podcast too, as well as meditation to calm my mind. 

I'm now at the stage of starting to tell my eldest (3 year old) about her origins, but I'm nervous.  I've got a couple of books to help with the process. 

Personally I've never sought to have an interest in my genetic past, but I understand that my girls might want to, and I'll help them however I can if that's the case. 

But I don't think I could love my daughter's any more than I do, I literally burst at the thought of them  

And a massive congratulations on pregnancy.  It's sometimes hard to believe, after everything you've been through.  Sending positivity to you xxxx


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## Slips1010 (Dec 16, 2012)

Hi SydneyJ,

I wanted to reach out to you as I just saw your post and this was me many years ago. After 12 cycle's ,many ops along the way, 2 miscarriages, we decided on DE & DS - we now have the most handsome 3.5year old son. I WISH I had made the decision years before, but I had to get it right in my head first and I needed to grieve for my own eggs, the ones that just didn't work and were screaming at me to STOP and take a different path to getting the same result. 

I never ever look at my son and think he's not mine, I look at him with so much love and pride it hurts some days. He doesn't look like me or my husband - he is much better looking than the two of us put together haha but everyone says "oh doesn't he look like his Dad" we always giggle to each other when we hear this - people see what they want to see.

The only regret i have is not doing this sooner, I am now 41 and started HRT today - no issues with this at all - my body is shattered from all the years of treatment and i am happy for it to sleep now if that makes sense. I have two frozen embryo's sitting in a lovely freezer in Spain, which we have made the decision to give them up for research to hopefully help someone else who is in our situation - i don't feel sad for this i really don't. If i was younger i would try them but I am not, and I don't want to go through it all again because i am more than happy with my boy, he makes me get up every morning (although very tired) and he's all i wanted. I never thought I would ever be a Mum several years ago and I am thanks to DE.

I do not know what it is like to have my own DNA child but i do know that DNA doesn't make you a better parent.

Wishing you all the luck and I hope you find comfort in your decision. x


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Similar experience to the above poster and echo every word of it x


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