# Where have all my friends gone???



## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

I don’t seem to have any left!   I know it’s me, over the years friends have kind of drifted away because we don’t have anything in common any more.  They all have families and I suppose even sub consciously I don’t keep in touch so much.  I probably have two true friends, one of whom is a xmas & birthday card friend really and one who’s an absolute rock, she is really the only friend I have with kids and cos she’s been through such a lot to have hers (ivf) I can talk to her.  

This all came from someone sending me an invitation to a party (you know, avon type thing) and I thought –  I know most of the girls going, they’ve all got kids now, they’ll all be talking about how Johnny’s done this and that and I don’t think I wanna put myself through that yet I’m sure I’ve moved on.  One of them has an IVF baby and that’s got up my nose cos she’s really a bit of a moo, I remember saying to DH once that how come she got her baby when she’s not nice and I didn’t get mine when I am nice – his reply was ‘who said life is fair?’  I do like the lady who’s invited me but I don’t know if I want to go.  

Is it just me, where do you find friends without kids (apart from this wonderful website)?

I’m not suicidal or anything, just had a good old think!


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Nixnoo,

You are certainly not alone with these feelings.  Unfortunately, it seems to be the way of it for many of us following this involuntary path ......

I am really noticing that I am seeing my friends (with kids) less and less .......  And I know that's about me.  It just makes you feel so "left out" and "incabable" when you're in that kind of company.

I was at a house party the other week there and someone "made a joke" out of not having kids by saying, "Oh I'm not having any - ha-ha!!! I'm a barren wasteground "  !!!!  She obviously thought this was funny ..... I just sat there wanting the world to swallow me up.  I felt totally mortified and it just opened up old wounds and completely ruined the rest of my night.

I don't know huni, if you feel that by going to this party you will just feel rubbish after it, then maybe look afteryourself and don't go but have a nice night in treating yourself instead.  I know it's a difficult decision because if you go and they talk about pg/kids - you feel isolated but if you don't go - you can feel even more isolated from company ...... It's a difficult one.

I suppose just see how you feel on the night.  Sometimes we feel strong enough to cope, other times we feel too vulnerable so I'd just play it by ear.

Regarding your question on where to find friends without kids - I really don't know!  Maybe through joining a nightclass or something to get out there and start meeting new people ?  

It's so difficult but I fully empathise because i feel exactly the same.  It's a scary place to be ....

Good luck and look after YOURSELF,  (lets face it - no-body else will..)
Love Gill xo


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## Luc (Jan 30, 2006)

Nixnoo, 

I know exactly how you feel. I used to have some wonderful friends. i was one of the first to start ttc. since then they all but one have gone on to have babies and i havent. i have almost lost contact with my two best friends in the world because of it. the only ones i can manage are the one who already had children before i started ttc as i dont resent them so much. i think its a horrible tradgey of IF. i do sometimes wonder if it would be better to make myself see them, would i get past this if i made myself see them, rather than avoiding the issue. who knows but for now this seems easier this way. i may one day look back and regret it. i have no ivf friends but do feel only people who know this heartache could really be true friends. 

i wish i had answers to your questions but i havent. its so hard to know what to do for the best. its nice to hear you have your 'rock', mine is my sister. she has 3 kids conceived easily, but luckily for me they came just before i realised we had problems so i never resented her. 

good luck with whatever you decide about the party. 

take care lucy


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

How spooky,
this seems to be a recurring theme. I've lost touch with two of my best friends who have gone on to have babies and who I find it too painful to be around as they simply don't understand what we're going through. (one of them started laughing and 'suggested' that I lay with my legs in the air after we had had sex in an attempt to migrate the sperm)-little did she know that I was doing that already!
Lucy, I kow what you mean about your 'rock', mine is my brother, and in the same way I adore his children as they were born way before we were even married. And yet Dh's bil and sil are about to have a child and I hate it already-poor thing, I suppose I don't really hate it, I just hate how they are Mr and Mrs perfect who seem to sail through life with o hitches whatsoever.
Sorry to sound bitter-having a bad day.....


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

I'm not on my own!!!

 Thanks Gil, Lucy & PP for replying. I just felt alone yesterday and started thinking.  I so thought I was ‘over’ all this especially as we gave up treatment all those years ago then started again.  The pain and awkwardness has never gone away.

I’ve hardly told a soul about our treatment although close family know and a couple of friends.  I’m the youngest of 4 and my brother and sisters all had their families started before we started ttc.  However, my sister fell pg unexpectedly and was scared to tell me, I was absolutely fine about it – she’s my sister and I love her to bits and I’ve never had my nose rubbed in it atall.  I’m lucky as my family is quite close and are very supportive, not sure how I’ll feel when my nieces start to fall pg though.  

My best mate has an ivf son and had a dreadful time conceiving and lots of problems, she miraculously fell pg again (naturally) and never told me for 5 months, dunno how I never noticed.  To start with, it was like a knife in me but I never ever resented her for it, probably cos I know the heartache she’s been through.  I’m now her daughter’s god mother and love my god daughter to bits, she’s a gem.

PP – I know what you mean, we had a similar experience, my so called best friend from school bumped into us in town a few years ago (she was pg at the time) and shouted at the top of her voice in the middle of a shop NO KIDS YET, WHAT’S UP AINT HE GOT IT IN HIM.  I could have decked her, I felt so awful for dh, I’ve never seen or spoken to her since, she has 2 kids as far as I know.   

Well ladies, I’m feeling more positive today, I’m trying to get back onto my healthy eating (slimming world) – I did lose 2 stone and have put it all back on again and that’s making me feel bad, so positive thinking, sod the party, I’ll see my friend who’s holding it some other time on my own so we can have a cuppa.

Thanks again
Nix
xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Nix and girls
This is such a difficult one and a painful area...
We think we have friends for life and when you go through something as truamatic as this,you are left with maybe one or two friends...
Over the years i have found this very hard and it did really break my heart....
However i have learned that you can count your friends on your hands. After our IF experience i want to only be surrounded by people that care and who are like minded...
If there is ever as a problem in my friends lives they can count on me, because we care for each other...
I feel better that i am not surrounded by people (friends) that never cared and to be honest i am releived they are out of my life. They caused alot of tears, pain and mainly Disappointment so i feel better about that now...let them be with people similiar to themselves because i don't want them...
And most importantly it is about making news ones who have the same qualities as yourselves.....maybe this would have happened anyway even if we didn't go through IF..
My friend who has never expereinced IF says she also can only count her close friends on her hand and she has also come to this crossroads but for different reasons in her life...
Do we just get alittle wiser...
love astridxx


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