# Late Miscarriage/0E DD's Considering DE



## monkeytree (Jan 25, 2013)

Hi. 

I am 41.5 and fortunate to have 2 DD's.  The second DD came along despite me being diagnosed with high fsh 23 and low amh 3 and being told I was unlikely to have any further dcs without ivf and even then low chance.  So my miracle dd came along and when she was 1 I couldn't believe it when I found out I was pregnant again and this time expecting a ds.  Then when I was 20 weeks (back in feb) I experienced a late mc and since then have been completely devastated.  I am so grateful to have dd's believe me after such a struggle but I seem to be stuck and desperate for dc. 3.  I know my ds can never be replaced it 's like this gap exists and I struggle thinking he died in vain (cause unknown) and that if he hadn't of died then X would probably have never have come along (x is the fictitious dc 4) hope this makes sense.

I am now back to dealing with the infertility struggle I faced before.  This time older knowing that another dc is unlikely.  The constant cycle of hope and disappointment continues.  I'm taking dhea, wheatgrass, B vits like before but it is all so desperate.  Realistically my hope is DE.  I am terrified of having another miscarriage but also feeling that I need to try something to change my situation.

The thing is I would be having DE treatment for me.  My DH is supportive but does not feel the need for another DC.  DH is in his 50's now and ready to have a break from the baby thing.  He is fantastic with the DDs and is fit and active but I can see his point of view.  My eldest dd who is 9 now is not keen on any more siblings.  She is fiercely protective of her sister who is 2 but thinks she is enough.  This is all about me and I wish I could let go of my burning desire to have dc 3 it's like I want to recapture what I nearly had.

I haven't hot my head around the DE bit.  I think if I became pregnant I would feel the same way as I do about OE dd's but who can say until they get there.  I would go abroad and have treatment so that the question of anonymity remains open.  Some days I am all for it other days I feel I lack the courage to have the treatment and face the prospect of another miscarriage.  I don't know anyone who has had IVF let alone DE ivf and wouldn't want others to know anyway due to potential anonymity factor.  I guess I live in the hope of another miracle happening.

I will post this on other boards too but just wondering if anyone can relate to any of the above, it would be lovely to hear your thoughts.

Thanks


----------



## Fox Gloves (Sep 17, 2015)

Hi monkey,

I am so sorry for your loss, that must be so hard.  

Well my story is a little different but similar enough that I can completely understand how you feel. I had my dd naturally and very easily and she is now 3. We started ttc no 2 2 years ago and again got pregnant quickly but I had a mmc at 12 weeks. Since then I have been unable to get pregnant again and have been diagnosed with a low amh of 3. I have tried IVF twice and it hasn't worked so I am now pursuing DE IVF for a second and maybe a third chid since I have always wanted 3.

I agree it gives me so much hope and makes me feel confident/happy/reassured when I hear ladies with DE children say how much they love them and are happy they had infertility otherwise they wouldn't have the dc they have got. I don't think I would feel any differently about de child than I do my dd but as you say, deep down I will always know and I wonder how I will feel when or if people make comments that baby doesn't look like me. I do think it will be worth it though, ultimately when you want a bigger family and more children it doesn't really matter if that tiny cell and their genes are not yours, the baby is and that's all that counts.

I know you say your dh and older dd are not keen but once the baby arrived they would be and would be glad you went ahead. Everyone is different and you need to do what is right for you, but I know that unless I had no choice at all, I couldn't find peace knowing I hadn't tried to extend our family. 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. xx


----------



## monkeytree (Jan 25, 2013)

Thank you so much Fox Gloves for your reply, I am very grateful.  I too was considering ivf to have my dd2 after a few years of trying a miracle happened my amh was 3.2 and a worrying fsh of 23, I couldn't believe it when I got my test results although I was 37 at the time and 39 when dd came along.  Please let me know what plans you have regarding de ie here or abroad etc, if you'd rather pm me then I would be pleased to hear from you.  My thoughts are abroad with the anonymity factor left open.  I don't want any regrets later on and to be able to say I tried everything, it all seems so daunting maybe it's easier after getting the ball rolling I don't know.  A lot of bravery is required after the miscarriage I can't believe that this could go right, just didn't see that coming.  Fingers crossed for you and I admire your determination.


----------



## Fox Gloves (Sep 17, 2015)

Oh Hun   I can only imagine what you have been through loosing your baby so late in like that and not knowing why must be absolutely awful. I have a friend who had a stillborn baby at term and has since had 2 children but was understandably terrified during pregnancy and new born stages in case it happened again. She was fine though and I am sure you will be too. If there was no know cause sadly it was probably one of those one in a million things where there was no reason and it won't happen again. 

I've decided to go abroad for my DE because there are no waiting lists, it's much cheaper and I am not planning to tell the child/children so I want total anonymity. I'm using a fertility nurse who acts as a agent and deals with the clinic on your behalf - maybe it's worth you touch base with her, she is fantastic and would Skype with you to talk through details, recommend a clinic and so on? Look at ivftreatmentabroad.com 

I have known this might be the road I would need to take for a while and once I made the decision and got the ball rolling the relief I feel is amazing, I just want to get on with it now. You will know when the time is right for you though. I just woke up one day, told my dh that this is what I thought we should do and he agreed! We skyped Ruth a few days later and filled all the forms in after that. Now we are waiting and treatment should be end of November. 

Here anytime you want advice and to chat xx


----------



## monkeytree (Jan 25, 2013)

Thanks Fox Gloves for your reply, wishing you all the luck in the world, May pm you in future


----------

