# Asking A Relative to Donate



## Guest (Mar 3, 2010)

Hi I have finally come to the conclusion that at my age I will have to use donor eggs - it has taken a long time to come to terms with this. Now i find myself in a situation of having to come to terms with something I never wanted to even consider - the child will not be related to me and as a single girl, the child will not know a father.  I have never felt so confused in my life and I am totally overwhelmed by all the different routes I can take - eg find a known donor, go abroad and not know donor. So far I have not seen much difference in price if treatment is abroad but the waiting lists seem much shorter in SA and Barbados. US is far too expensive. I want to ask a relative to be the egg donor but I am scared she my refuse.   I have posted on here for a donor but I am not sure what else i can do?


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Hi Shad,

It may be useful for you to read through the donor egg threads for single women (probably starting at the beginning of the first one which was only recently replaced) as you will get a sense of how other single women have got their heads around things, and of the different tx avenues available both here and abroad.  Not sure if you've considered joining one of the waiting lists in the UK - CRM, LWC and Herts & Essex (think I got that last right?) all have lists with anywhere from 3 - 9 months wait available.  There are women posting on the DE thread having tx in South Africa, Spain, Greece and Czech Republic at present, so they may also be able to help with queries you have.  

All the female friends and relatives (bar one) who offered to donate their eggs to me were over 36, and the one that isn't found she couldn't for other reasons - however, I am very comfortable with the outcome I have of using anonymous (one ID release, one not) donors!  With respect to any child created through the help of two donors not being related to you, it might be helpful if you read up a little on epigenetics, which is covered by a thread on the DE and Sperm board (might have to go back a page or two to find the thread concerned).  I am 20 weeks pregnant with the assistance of two donors, and the life support available to my little one, including the nutrients and oxygen she needs to develop, come from me.  She is as related to me as my (own egg) son, and just as precious.  I am so very grateful that science, technology and legislation have all developed to a point where my pregnancy is even possible.   
 
Good luck with your deliberations, and hope to see you posting on the Singles DE thread so that others can help out and provide support.  

A-Mx


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## Baby Blue (Feb 20, 2010)

Hi Shad, have you tried to conceive with your own eggs? I ask this because, whilst all the odds are stacked against you because of your age, its not impossible!  

I also think it might help you to see a counsellor as you have a huge amount to come to terms with on your own. You could also try the Donor Conception Network - a charity/support network for donor conceived parents and their children.

Hope it works out for you.

Baby Blue


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Shad,

Firstly some   for you at this difficult time.

Inde has given some great advice re checking out the donor egg threads here, both for singles and in general. I took great inspiration from reading the posts there, especially from women who have their DE babies and who feel no differently ab out them than any other much loved and much wanted baby. I also found counselling invaluable, but you do need to find the right counsellor for you or it's a waste of time and money. The first 2 didn't work for me at all, but the 3rd one I tried, I am still seeing and she's brilliant....

Re the ask a relative. Could you perhaps just bring up the subject, make it clear you need DE, and see how she reacts to that first, before you ask directly if she will donate. This is what I did with my 2 younger sisters - neither of them offered when I had made it clear I needed DE and that younger siblings make great donors so I assumed from that they were not keen and dropped the subject. At the time I was a little hurt that they didn't even offer but in retrospect I can see that it would not have been right for me. Partly because I would have been somehow uncomfortable with the child's biological mother also being its aunt. But also because I can see now that it really wouldn't have been right for my sisters - one has no children of her own yet, the other has 3 children who are deaf due to a genetic condition so she has quite enough to deal with without going through IVF 
Anyway, just a thought but perhaps mention it more generally before you ask outright so you can see what the response would be. But also give some serious thought as to whether a family donor is what you want/what's best for you - and for the family member...

Not sure if this is the right place to share it and sorry for the long quote coming up but I read this article recently by a guy researching his family tree which really struck a chord for me. I've spent a lot of time researching my own family tree and I had been feeling very sad that my child somehow wouldn't 'belong' on the tree and this article really helped me see things in a different way. Here's the excerpt which really resonated for me:

_"One of the problems with genealogy is its fixation with genes. It encourages an obsession with the blood and that can lead us down some very dark alleys. For me, ancestry is just one thing that connects us to people, and feeling connected to other people is generally a good thing, as long as one kind of connection does not have primacy over all the others. Heredity, race and nationhood are not the best criteria by which to judge our fellow humans. Tracing ancestors and wandering around the towns and villages where they lived hasn't told me who I am...."_

And at another point he goes on to say:
_"Who you're descended from is interesting, but it's not crucial. Only the other day I worked out that my great grandfather's mother was actually his step mother. But she brought him up, so I'd say she still qualifies as family"_
(from an article by Jeremy Hardy in the Guardian on 27th Feb)

I suppose the point I'm making, in a rather longwinded way ( ) is that your baby will be your baby, you will carry it for 9 months, nourish it in the womb, give birth to it, feed it, clothe it, look after it, love it, teach it to be a good person etc etc - you will be its mother and it will be your child, and nothing can change that.

But these are things which take time to come to terms with, so give yourself that time and space. The beauty of DE is that the ticking clock is less of an issue, since the eggs will be always young...

Re abroad vs UK - your main consideration is whether you want an ID release donor. This is only possible in UK (also Australia/NZ, and at considerable expense the US). With an ID release donor the child can find out about/contact the donor when he/she turns 18. Initially I really really wanted this as I felt it was best for the child. I tried twice in the UK with egg share, one cycle was cancelled because donor didn't respond well enough to egg share, the other was a negative for me. I have now reached a point where what matters to me is having a healthy baby sooner rather than later, so I am going abroad where I can get a younger donor and have all the eggs rather than egg share in the hope that this will increase my chances of getting a positive. I still have a nagging fear that my child will one day be angry with me for not giving them the chance to trace their biological mother/father, but then again, if they know from the very start that this is simply not an option, then I'm hoping it will all work out OK....and I'll be there to help them through it one way or another 
But that's just me. You need to make a decision on this that you are comfortable with. Once you've figured that out, then you know whether you need to stay in UK or whether other countries are an option for you

Do feel free to PM me if I can help any further, wishing you all the very best with your next steps, whatever they may be,
Suitcase
x


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## Guest (Mar 3, 2010)

Baby Blue said:


> Hi Shad, have you tried to conceive with your own eggs? I ask this because, whilst all the odds are stacked against you because of your age, its not impossible!
> 
> I also think it might help you to see a counsellor as you have a huge amount to come to terms with on your own. You could also try the Donor Conception Network - a charity/support network for donor conceived parents and their children.
> 
> ...


Hi Baby Blue, I have tried in the past. My clinic have said there is no point trying IVF with my own eggs since it is unlikely to work at my age and i should go straight to DE. I dont have regular periods and I cannot seem to ever detect ovulation with those dip sticks. I did once ask to go on Clomid but doctor said it would not help - he felt the irregular periods were due to age and would therefore not help me ovulate.


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## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

I cannot imagine feeling any other way than the way I do to any baby no matter how they got inside my tummy! As soon as you are pregnant I can assure you and anyone else considering donor eggs it doesn't make a jot of difference. Rlxx


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## Guest (Mar 3, 2010)

suitcase of dreams said:


> Hi Shad,
> 
> Firstly some   for you at this difficult time.
> 
> ...


I understand what u say about using a relative and I have had some counselling. At first I was totally against the child knowing they came from a donor but then after counselling I realised that it was something i took for granted. I think my biggest problem is not having a named father on the birth certificate - the counsellor told me to put down DONOR but I have no intention of doing that. have looked at going abroad - SA and Barbados. Barbados is expensive but I hear good things about both Barbados and SA. UK waiting list is about 18 months and I cant wait that long at my age.


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## Guest (Mar 3, 2010)

RichmondLass said:


> I cannot imagine feeling any other way than the way I do to any baby no matter how they got inside my tummy! As soon as you are pregnant I can assure you and anyone else considering donor eggs it doesn't make a jot of difference. Rlxx


I hope so and I hope my family will feel the same


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## 9£Bundle (Nov 18, 2009)

Hi Shad - Just wanted to say that I'm pretty sure that you can't (?) put DONOR on the birth cert as this not acceptable for your offsprings privacy, now & in their future adult lives. That section is just left blank if there is no other parent. (This may be worth checking on the "Ask a Lawyer" board.) 
The world has changed, sometimes we need a little time to catch up when our lives haven't always gone to plan/dreams.     Personally I think its changed for the better in so many ways.  

Inde, RL, Baby Blue & Suitcase - Thankyou for sharing, its been good to hear.  

9£B
x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

shad said:


> the counsellor told me to put down DONOR but I have no intention of doing that.


7 months ago this was definitiely NOT an option. I wanted to put donor on baby's birth certificate but it wasn't allowed. The law _may_ have changed since then but I haven't hear so.

From my own point of view, having a double donor conceived baby - the only time it ever occurs to me is when I come on FF! Other than that it never crosses my mind.

Good luck with your decison making. 

LL x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Shad,

It's funny, I hadn't given any thought at all to not having a named father on the birth certificate. That seems, to me at least, like a fairly minor thing! 

If I am lucky enough to ever get pregnant, I intend to let my child know from the very start how they were conceived - of course when they are very young they won't understand but I want it to somehow be something they have always known, not something they are suddenly 'told' at a certain age. I'm not entirely sure yet how I will accomplish this, but certainly my intent is to make sure that they grow up with this knowledge and yet at the same time not make a huge deal of it. Ultimately this will be a much loved and much wanted baby and I hope that this will be what comes to matter most, not the biological details of their conception. So in that sense, the birth certificate is kind of irrelevant. Besides the only time I have ever looked at my own birth certificate was when I had to send it off to get a passport. Other than that it's just a piece of paper that sits in a file somewhere. Do you think that actually you are still a little bit grieving not having a child the 'traditional' way with a partner? And this is what lies behind your worries about the birth cert? I'd say that's completely natural and I'm sure we all feel that from time to time. Whilst this would not have been my first choice in terms of having a family, I firmly believe that I, along with my extended family and friends, can provide a loving and supportive environment for a child to grow up in and that they will not 'suffer' in any way from me not being in a relationship when I conceive them (and anyway I still kind of hope a father figure will come along at some point)

Good luck with finding the right donor/clinic for you. Rose39 who posts on here is going to South Africa very soon, she might even be on her way already, for DE...maybe send her a PM if she doesn't come along and comment on this thread....

Suitcase
x


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## Papillon (Nov 25, 2008)

Quote from Suitcase yesterday 21.25:

"Re abroad vs UK - your main consideration is whether you want an ID release donor. This is only possible in UK (also Australia/NZ, and at considerable expense the US). With an ID release donor the child can find out about/contact the donor when he/she turns 18."

In Finland we have nowadays only ID release donors. The law changed a few years ago.

Papillon


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks Papillon - then Finland also an option to add to the list for those who want ID release donors  

Do you know what the waiting lists are like for donor eggs though?
Also I think in this particular case, as Shad is looking for a black egg donor that probably rules Finland out for her...I wouldn't imagine there are too many women of Afro-Caribbean origin at Finnish fertility clinics?

Is it warming up over there now? I was in Tampere last week and it was minus 24 degrees - almost unbearably cold! I shall be in Helsinki next week, so hoping it's getting a bit warmer...

Suitcase
x


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## Guest (Mar 4, 2010)

Will be asking my relative tomorrow - well will let her know what I am looking for and she can make up her own mind. I am still grieving for not having a child the "traditional" way but I do accept it is possible I  will never have any child if I just sit back and wait and do nothing.  I think it is now easier to find African descent donors in the US, SA or Barbados.  Although I have been told there are some African descent donors in Spain and Greece.  I have heard good things about overseas clinics in SA and Barbados and that is what I need since I will probably travel alone.  Although someone tried to put me off SA by saying it was violent and I should watch Panorama but I am sure it is not everywhere.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Shad - good luck talking to your relative, hope things work out the way you want  

And re South Africa, although it does have a reputation for violence, particularly in Johannesburg, I would imagine hosting the World Cup will put the spotlight on the country in a big way and they will be making every effort to up the police presence etc - which could have a lasting positive effect. 
I've been to Cape Town and didn't experience any problems at all, I felt quite safe. You just need to take the same precautions you would take in a big city anywhere - New York and LA are also potentially violent and have high crime rates but you don't get people telling you not to go for that crazy shopping weekend in New York do you?!
It's all about being sensible, not going out on your own at night, sticking to safe areas, doing your research and taking the advice of your hotel etc - definitely don't let that put you off if you want to go there...

Best of luck,
Suitcase
x


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Hi there Shad,

Here in the United States there are donors of African-American descent for sperm and egg donors. So it is not really a problem here if you go to a Clinic in a major City. Only problem is that it extremely expensive...
I'm can't really afford this route but then again I'm not sure if you really want to use a clinic here in the States to begin with. My experience so far has not been good and I'm starting feel like the specialists here are nuts and loony.

I am considering going to Spain or Retrofit if I do possibly using egg donors/embryo donation but I am not sure if you want a child who may not share your cultural heritage. I am sort of debating that right now with the whole egg donation/embryo donation or dealing with a estrogen priming protocol with my own eggs (not to sure about this protocol) in Spain or Czech Republic since I am of Asian descent. 

I guess in the end it really doesn't matter who your donor or what the baby's cultural background is, just as long as the baby is yours and love that baby with everything you have...So I do hope things work out with your family member....

Just a thought maybe if things don't work out the way you hope maybe you won't mind using a European donor for the eggs and possibly an open African-American descent male sperm donor imported to the UK?


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## Guest (Mar 4, 2010)

wishingforanangel said:


> Hi there Shad,
> 
> Here in the United States there are donors of African-American descent for sperm and egg donors. So it is not really a problem here if you go to a Clinic in a major City. Only problem is that it extremely expensive...
> I'm can't really afford this route but then again I'm not sure if you really want to use a clinic here in the States to begin with. My experience so far has not been good and I'm starting feel like the specialists here are nuts and loony.
> ...


Hi there, yes the US is very expensive, although some of them have special offers - if you pay £16K you can have several tries at IVF and then have your money returned if it fails. I am looking for an African descent donor for both sperm and egg. I am willing to try SA or Barbados since they are cheaper options and I would be prepared to import the sperm from the US since I can choose my donor.

I was always told there is a shortage of African descent donors in the UK but in the US they are in greater supply. I think amongst African and Asian people as a whole egg and sperm donation is not widely accepted. However, if you try the donor database in SA you will find some girls of Asian descent - normally South-East Asian. You might also find Asians in Trinidad or Grenada who are prepared to travel to Barbados. If you are already in the US the Caribbean is not too far.


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## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

Candee also went to SA for donor eggs. Candee if you're reading forgive me biut not sure if your donor ws black or white and I think Sima got a black donor egg match in Greece. I have also heard good things about barbados. Rlxx


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## Baby Blue (Feb 20, 2010)

Hi Shad, you could try Global Egg Donors in South Africa http://www.globaleggdonors.com/ and import your sperm from elsewhere... They claim to be the least expensive egg donation program in the world and have a database of donors from a wide range of ethnic backgrounds with adult photos.

You should be able to find an egg and sperm donor to match your ethnic background.

Hope this helps, Baby Blue 

/links


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Silly question but what is SA? 

I think you are possibly right about the whole African and Asian descent donors not really being acceptable but I think that the only reason it is done here in the United States is because the donors appear to need the money, whereas in the UK no one is paid.

Thanks Shad for the multiple cycles thing....I've already been through 5 failed cycles already and not really up to that many more cycles...Maybe one or two is left in me. Aah on the both donors being of African descent. For me I wanted a biracial child because all my nephews and niece are biracial; my kid (if s/he ever pops into my life) would fit right in...course my nephews and niece would love my kid no matter because they are the type of kids who help and love each other no matter...


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

SA = South Africa...in this case at least, it may also stand for other things!


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## Guest (Mar 4, 2010)

Baby Blue said:


> Hi Shad, you could try Global Egg Donors in South Africa http://www.globaleggdonors.com/ and import your sperm from elsewhere... They claim to be the least expensive egg donation program in the world and have a database of donors from a wide range of ethnic backgrounds with adult photos.
> 
> You should be able to find an egg and sperm donor to match your ethnic background.
> 
> Hope this helps, Baby Blue


they do have a wide range of girls from different ethnic backgrounds. Not sure about being the cheapest although I have only compared them to the he SA donor banks which are cheaper.


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## Guest (Mar 4, 2010)

wishingforanangel said:


> Silly question but what is SA?
> 
> I think you are possibly right about the whole African and Asian descent donors not really being acceptable but I think that the only reason it is done here in the United States is because the donors appear to need the money, whereas in the UK no one is paid.
> 
> Thanks Shad for the multiple cycles thing....I've already been through 5 failed cycles already and not really up to that many more cycles...Maybe one or two is left in me. Aah on the both donors being of African descent. For me I wanted a biracial child because all my nephews and niece are biracial; my kid (if s/he ever pops into my life) would fit right in...course my nephews and niece would love my kid no matter because they are the type of kids who help and love each other no matter...


Do the clinic's ethical commitee allow you use a different race donor in these circumstances - not sure if you are using both egg and sperm?


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## Papillon (Nov 25, 2008)

Hi Girls,

Suity, single women use mainly only one clinic in the capital area and the waiting list for DE is around from 6 months to 1 year. In some cases it may be even shorter. And I don´t think too, that there are women of Afro-Caribbean origin at Finnish fertility clinics. So, Finland is ruled out for Shad.

February was much colder than normally in Finland. Now it is warming up over here, only minus 2 degrees during the daytime in Helsinki area. Also next week will be hopefully tolerable weather. About 20 years ago we had this much snow last time, big big snowdrifts are everywhere, even in the capital area.  As the snow thaw, we will have huge problems with the mass of water. But hope you will have a good time next week in Helsinki.

All the best.

Papillon


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Shad, in the UK you have to stick with donors of your own ethnicity (or, where you have a partner with another ethnicity, this can be chosen instead).  Not sure what the rules are elsewhere, though in the US I understand you can choose whatever takes your fancy!

Good luck with you conversation tomorrow.  

A-Mx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Wishingforanangel - Spain is not also a cheaper option particularly when travelling from the USA.  I had a cycle there and from the UK 4 trips from the UK (due to my lining complications) ended up costing me £12K ish- Euors 8300 to the clinic - not including drugs then monitoring in the UK and drugs, flights and accom etc etc
Lx


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## Guest (Mar 4, 2010)

♥JJ1♥ said:


> Wishingforanangel - Spain is not also a cheaper option particularly when travelling from the USA. I had a cycle there and from the UK 4 trips from the UK (due to my lining complications) ended up costing me £12K ish- Euors 8300 to the clinic - not including drugs then monitoring in the UK and drugs, flights and accom etc etc
> Lx


Wow that was expensive! From my research I dont really think going abroad is that much cheaper to the UK - CRGH charge about £6-7K for treatment but they do seem to do a lot of tests and monitoring. The advantage of going abroad is the shorter waiting times and being able to choose a donor.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

In spain I never got to choose my donor. I did consider the USA -Shady Grove but I was not elligble for their shared risk programme

L x


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## Guest (Mar 6, 2010)

Didnt ask my relative in the end - the time did not seem right. I now know it would be easier to ask a stranger. I saw her baby - a big chubby thing - that i wished was mine.


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Shad - why not have a look at the South Africa thread on the international board? There are several egg donor agencies and certainly the one I am using has a variety of donors from different ethnic backgrounds available. Although all donors are anonymous (SA law requires this) you get a very detailed profile and baby photos, which really help in the decision making process. 

Rose xx


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## wishingforanangel (Feb 6, 2009)

Been completely wiped out this weekend so I haven't really been doing much.

Thanks suity about the SA info. As I was thinking about it could of meant South America too.

Spain I think is cheaper too in regards to egg donation than in the US. Or at least it seems to be around the same price in the sense that I am including traveling accomodation etc to Spain.

Shad...in terms of ethical issues regarding who your donors are...there really is none here in the United States. Generally it is whatever you really want. Also I am sorry you weren't able to ask your relative in regards to donating...I hope you are able to figure it out. If want pm me. Maybe we can help each other. I still don't know where I am going yet either. Um. Shad if you do come to the US for treatment it will be around $30,000 for one cycle if you are using donor eggs, your treatment, and may or may not include the psychological counselling session, your attorney (solicitor) fees, the donor's attorney fees. From what I remember it doesn't include the medications for both you and the donor, the donor sperm, flights, accommodations, etc. Just so you know in case you do decided to come here to the States. It maybe a little cheaper if you do a IVF package but I'm not sure by how much.....


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## Guest (Apr 6, 2010)

wishingforanangel said:


> Been completely wiped out this weekend so I haven't really been doing much.
> 
> Thanks suity about the SA info. As I was thinking about it could of meant South America too.
> 
> ...


the US is so expensive but there are various clinics that guarantee a baby or your money back


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