# Worried about choosing referees



## LemonSponge (Jan 22, 2013)

I'm only at the research stage but already worried about choosing referees. Family is no problem, i have a small but very close one. I have one best friend and the rest are really just work mates. At a push i could ask one of them and i know he would agree, but i wouldnt say he knows me on a very personal level, even though we have worked together for 10 years.

I'm a private person at work and although i get on with everyone and seem to be well liked, i don't socialise with them outide of work.

My 13 year relationship has recently ended and my partner was genuinely my best friend. We are still on very good terms so when the time comes i hope he could also be a referee, but it's too early to say at this stage.

I'm wondering if i could put my SIL down as she has 2 children (not with my brother) who i have seen grow up? Or would SIL only be counted as a relative?

Sorry to go on, but i'm really worried that a lack of close friends will end my adoption dream. I should add that i'm a single adopter so do not have a partner's friends to rely on.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think SIL will count as a relative. Does your friend have a partner? Or is there a long standing family friend you could ask. You know the type you call Auntie but they aren't actually related to you x x


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## LemonSponge (Jan 22, 2013)

Hi gwyneth, thanks for your reply. My friend does have a long term partner who i also know. They are a male gay couple who have been together 8 years. I hope this isn't adding to my minority quota, being a single adopter myself! I could ask my other work mate at a push. Dont have old family friends who know me enough. My family are so close and supportive, i thought that would be enough for SW.


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## Doubleprincesstrouble (Jan 28, 2013)

Hiya,

Just to say we put down our two best friends ( a couple) and the Sw said it was fine then right at the last minute someone higher up said couples count as one reference and we had to give another person as well.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I think just ask SW what they think is best. It can't be uncommon especially for those who have gone through IF as you end up cutting of a lot of friends as they have families because it's too painful to remain involved. Or if you have time what about volunteering somewhere and seeing if a manager or professional from there could be an additional reference? - Think someone else did that x x x


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## LemonSponge (Jan 22, 2013)

Thanks doubleprincesstrouble, i will keep in mind that a couple probably count as one ref.

Thanks again gwyneth, i will ask SW nearer the time if i am stuck for a second ref. I've read stories where some of the friends chosen as referees do not even have contact with the child once they are born and some friends turn out to not be as supportive as expected. I know i can count on my family and best friend, so i will stress that to SW. I really like the idea of volunteering and will look into it. I could only do weekends so that will limit what i can find.


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

Hi Lemon Sponge, Can't add anything more about references but on the volunteering front my husband volunteers at a children's contact centre and is on a rota so doesn't do every weekend more like every 3 but he finds it really useful, perhaps you could google to see if you can find one near you? It's gone down well with our sw as great experience.  Good luck xx


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## LemonSponge (Jan 22, 2013)

Thanks summer girl, that's a great idea as contact centres are open at the weekend. I feel much better now there are a few options for me to gain experience with different age groups. Would i need to arrange my own CRB check?


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

They will sort the CRB for you and if you are volunteering it is free. Good luck


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

That's my experience too, the people that you're volunteering for pay for the crb 😄 good luck


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

Hi LemonSponge - as a single adopter I had 3 referees - 2 friends and my SIL. They were perfectly happy with that and actually suggested my SIL as a referee so don't discount that (plus they may talk to the children as well!). As a singlie they also talked to my mum and dad. Someone who has known you for 10 years - albeit at work - still knows a lot about you - and can vouch for you being a responsible, law abiding, reasonable person so I think that is a positive as well.

Hopefully your ex will be in a position to do it too further down the line - you'll be surprised how people rally round to help. If they have any doubts about the number of referees they may just see additional family members. Really don't worry about this - BUT as a singlie you will have to show and demonstrate a very strong support network - you can include work people in this and GPs and this forum, local support groups etc etc as well as your family - good to show a varied mix.


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## Fi79 (Jan 23, 2011)

Hi lemonsponge, we are also at research stage and this is something that really worries me. I have lots of friends but sadly of my three closest friends, one died, one moved to the other side of the world and I have grown apart from the other one as she has been breeding like crazy all through my IF so naturally it has been difficult for both of us. I worry SWs will be concerned if I seem like a Billynomates. I read they look at how you have coped with IF and whether it has isolated you- I guess because adoption could do the same??!

Does anyone know how many referees you need and what sort of things they need to talk to them about?

I am also thinking of volunteering which could help with referees but I think would also be good experience for me too. I also read on another post once that in terms of a wider support group you can talk about FFs/ people you meet on the prep course/ parents in your area you don't know yet. So showing how things will work for you in the future as much as now.

xxx


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## LemonSponge (Jan 22, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your help as ever.

Smudgerbabe, it's great to read your experience with referees as a single adopter. I feel more reassured now as i do have a close support network of family and a few friends. My mum is a special needs teaching assistant and her best friend adopted so i think SW will be pleased with this. Hopefully i will remain close with my ex and he will help too.

Fi79, i have read that LAs ask for a minimum of 3 referees - 2 friends and 1 relative, which is what worried me because i could list a lot of family but not that many friends! I'm hoping this won't rule me out as my family will help with childcare and live in the same town as me, where as my friends live much further away. As Smudgerbabe said, sometimes you find support from unexpected sources, people do rally round if you reach out to them and i think a few people at work would help me with referees, but i need to learn to speak up and ask for help, because everyone is so busy with their own worries/problems, but they will help when they realise it's needed/wanted.

I'm sure you are strong enough to get through this, considering your battles with IF. I agree volunteering is a great idea for experience, not just referees. Best of luck with your journey xx


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