# So difficult



## Chrissy44 (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi,

I just came in to offload and ask for a hug please?

I'm really struggling being around pregnant women and new mums at the moment.  As a f/t mum of a 2 year old I feel like I can't get away from it and right now I'm struggling to carry on smiling.  The 5th member of my NCT class has just announced she's pregnant and as my DP is away I'm feeling really lost.  I've started thinking that I might have to give up looking after DS f/t so that I don't spend my life with the people who right now I really would like to avoid.  Im sorry I don't mean to sound bitter and I am genuinely thrilled for them but I feel like I've been stabbed each time a new announcement comes hurtling my way.

Sorry - just need to feel I'm not all on my own


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## the_gruffalo (Mar 29, 2009)

Hi Chrissy,

Sending you a big   to let you know you're not alone.

It is so difficult to be around other mums when it seems that every other week there is a pregnancy announcement.  I became quite anti-social for a while and things got much easier when DD went to nursery part time as she was getting to spend time with her friends, but I didn't have to listen to constant baby chat.

Be kind to yourself- it is OK to feel this way.

Gill x


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## Chrissy44 (Oct 1, 2009)

Thanks Gill  

I do feel very antisocial at the moment and that's not me.  I don't want to send DS off to nursery yet as that wasn't our plan, but it's getting so painful.  And then someone today said to me "just the one" when asking if I had children which, again, is such a hard thing to hear - for a start he's not a "just"


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## Skybreeze (Apr 25, 2007)

Oh hun I am sooo sorry!!     

Its never easy getting everyone elses good news, when we are so desprate for it to be us. 
I have had so many pregnancy annoucements lately, and feel the same as you. 
Take care and please off load to us whenever you want.

Natalie xxxxxxxxxxx


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## the_gruffalo (Mar 29, 2009)

I HATE the 'just the one' comment!  I often feel like saying 'yeah, JUST one perfect child who I wouldn't swap for your 2 any day'.

I try to console myself with the fact that I'm not like most of my friends who have 2 close together and who are so sleep / 'me' time deprived that they and their marriages seem unhappy, and they can't always spend quality time with each child.  We can devote all our time to DD and if (when!) a new baby comes DD will be at school, but will have had the benefit of 5 years with us, going swimming when we fancy it etc etc etc.  Although things haven't worked out the way I had hoped, and I am sad about that, I am happy that we have been able to make DD's early years so special.  

Maybe I'm just kidding myself, but it's how we cope!

Gill x


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## Guest (Oct 7, 2009)

You are so not alone on this one. I have posted before about my jealousy of pregnant woman and sometimes I feel bad as there are so many woman on here that haven't even been blessed with one child! When I find out about those who are pregnant with number one I get terribly jealous thinking about how amazing and life changing that first baby is. I know I will adore our 2nd child the same but there is something magical about doing it all the first time round. I then get terrible jealousy about my friends who were pregnant with or after me and are now expecting #2. I hate it when they say  "we wanted them to be close together" and I think we did to. And I'm always aware that I'm waiting for news from those who give hints that they are TTC. I have the added emotion of some jealousy towards DP as she is TTC our 2nd LO. Sometimes I just want to shout out "Let me just try again!" but I know we can't give up yet as it will break her heart. So many people ask if we are going to have another one and I want to say "yes, I want a million kids and we have been trying for over a year now, and we have spent a fortune on the credit card, and we have borrowed money off my parents, and there has been so many tears!". But, no, I just say " We would love to soon"  
This year DP and I have also had to deal with my sister getting pregnant again after having sex for the first time in a year! and my little sister going through an abortion which also broke her heart and has taught her a very painful lesson. It is obviously the pregnancy that causes me the jealousy because once my friends have had the baby I feel ok and have no problems going to see them, but as soon as one gives birth, another one announces their pregnancy  . I guess we can never get away from it and just have to learn to deal with it. I hate the way this jealousy brings out the most horrible, selfish side of me as I am never like that in other aspects of my life  . Hope you feel a bit better when DP comes home    

Skybreeze - I know you have been having a really tough time too from your previous posts. Hope you are feeling a bit brighter


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## Guest (Oct 7, 2009)

Hi Chrissy

You are definitely not alone in feeling like this.  DS was conceived v. easily and we thought the same would happen again - but we have been ttc #2 for nearly 2 years now, and as you can see we have tried to move on to tx as i am not getting any younger and neither is DS (he is now just over 3).  

I found the time from about 9 months ttc to just over the year the most difficult with people being pregnant and deal with it a bit better now although it still gets me sometimes.  Today i feel quite jealous of Natasha Kaplinsky - i don't know why, i want my own baby not hers!  I think it is that i just can't stop asking myself why it hasn't happened for us - it is very frustrating when you think you have got this side of your life sorted out.

I thought what Gill said was spot on, and the only way to get through it is to put all your energy into enjoying the one you have and trying to let this effect their life as little as you can.  This time last year almost each time i looked at DS i was filled with huge guilt, but now in some ways i think he is the lucky one - particularly looking at some of his friends that have reacted badly to have a closer sibling.  One in particular is sooo ignored now by his mum focussing on the new baby i just feel so sorry for him - and her to be honest because it is such a great age with all the enthusiasm they show for life, and she is missing all this.  You have to be really strong and just push yourself into a way of thinking that means you can spend time around these people, but especially your LO.

Here are some hugs     

Kate x

PS - i meant to say that there is a thread here for those with a LO with DH that are now struggling - come and join us?


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## ambergrace (Feb 7, 2009)

Chrissy - oh hun, you are absolutely not alone   and unfortunately that 2 year old stage is the key time for everyone else to seem to manage to get pregnant with a second child at the drop of a hat. I used to loathe the whole toddler group and preschool drop off thing as I would be the only one without either a bump, a baby, another child in a buggy or an older one at school etc etc. I hated the fact that DS was the only one without a sibling, and at the same time felt guilty for wanting a second child so badly when so many primary infertility sufferers would have given anything to have DS. 

The way I coped with it was by being very open - I never hid the fact that we wanted another and were having difficulties, though I was very matter of fact about it, and found that did seem to encourage people to be (ever so slightly) more sensitive about the situation. But it is a tough situation to be in, and you have my every sympathy 

I am with you on the fulltime mum thing as well - it's just constantly rammed down your throat isn't it - you can't set foot in a park, music group, softplay centre or even a flipping cafe without seeing a pregnant mum with a toddler somewhere around! My absolute worst experience was taking DS to a birthday party when he was 3 and another mum (who didn't know me) said 'where's your other one today then, at home with your husband?' I then had to explain that actually there wasn't another one      it was awful! Fortunately she was mortified when I explained our situation - served her right, too! 

BUT...

there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. It took us 3 months to conceive DS, and 3 years/2 miscarriages/6 rounds of Clomid/1 bout of IVF to conceive successfully a second time around - but conceive we did, finally, and baby 2 is due in the next couple of weeks   

I know it absolutely doesn't feel like it at the moment because you want a second baby like NOW - I was exactly the same, and it's horrible, and there's nothing anyone can really say to make you feel better. But there are so many advantages for both you and your DS in having a bigger age gap and Gill is so right, you get to do things you just can't with that smaller gap. DS had a different kind of preschool childhood to many of his contemporaries, but it had lots of advantages they didn't have. And he is now getting his baby brother or sister at a point in his life when he's old enough to be genuinely excited about it (which he SO is) and old enough to be nicely independent (though I am realistic about the fact that we are inevitably going to have jealousy issues in the same way that anyone would) with his own little social network etc at school. I on the other hand will get big chunks of time each day for just baby and me, without that whole issue that Kate describes of missing out on the older child.

Secondary infertility is so hard and I don't think I will ever forget how hard the last 3 years have been but I hope my story gives you a little bit of hope....In the meantime don't be afraid to avoid people on what I used to call the 'bad baby days'. Skip out of a gathering if you don't think you can cope with it, make excuses to the pregnant posse if you have to, go and do something nice with your DS instead that you wouldn't be able to do with a bump or baby, or treat yourselves to a little something even if it is just cake or similar feelgood type thing (DS and I ate A LOT of cake ). 

Lots of     to you and all the other SI girls, and take care  

Amber x


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## Chrissy44 (Oct 1, 2009)

Hello,

Thank you sooooooooooooooooooo much to everyone for such kind and thoughtful responses - has given me a lovely warm feeling  

Ambergrace - many congrats on your imminent arrival, it really does give me hope after you've gone through so much. 

I think I would be fine if I knew that I would definitely have another LO in the future.  I'm totally with you guys that it is so much better for DS to have me to himself and have all the fun and attention that comes with it (he actually learnt to dive to the bottom of the pool and collect a ring today and he's only 25 months  )  I see numerous mums with two, close together and they are all really struggling with jealous older siblings and lack of time/sleep/fun stuff.  The irony is that I am constantly helping them out as they're so frazzled (which I don't mind but it makes me laugh that I am looked to as the organised, together one!!)  I think DS and I have totally benefitted from spending all our time together, it would just take the edge off is I knew that another was on the cards.............as I'm sure everyone else feels!

KateA - is the thread the one at the top about having a sibling with DH and wanting another?  Will definitely come along and take a look.


Lots of love to all of you - you've made me feel so much less lonely - thank you xx


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## macavity (May 31, 2006)

Chrissy,
I am almost exactly in your shoes. My little girl was 2 in July, and it took us about 2.5 years to conceive her. We have been trying for about a year for baby no.2, and I found myself pregnant in March but unfortunately miscarried 6 weeks later. 
The thing that is really tough at the moment is, like you, having regular NCT friends happily announce that they are pregnant again. Lots of them have had baby no.2 already and one is due almost exactly on the date that I would have been had I not miscarried. Another has just announced she is 8 weeks preg. It makes me so sad/jealous/bitter/sorry all at once but then I feel so bad for being a ***** (in my head). I also find that they are all really nice and sympathetic to me (I was very open about my miscarriage) but just being with them sometimes is really hard and quite emotionally draining. I was with pregnant friend and brand new baby friend on Thurs for a couple of hours and felt so down afterwards. I also have been mentally tussling with myself all weekend over late period, even though I've done 4 tests and they are all NEGATIVE!!! Of course i'm not preg (got period this a.m) but somewhere in my stupid brain I was constantly saying "but you might be....but you might be..." even after four BFN's!!
Big hugs to you, I know what it feels like! 
Becky


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## Mazza1971 (Aug 19, 2009)

Sending you a big   .

I know exactly how you feel! Most of my friends have 2 or 3 children and we have been struggling for our 2nd child for over 3 years. We didn't conceive easily the first time round! Following a miscarriage we fell again after 18 months after we had started to have tests on the NHS as to why it wasn't happening. Then we had to listen to 'I told you it would happen if you just relaxed!' Which may have been partly the truth but when we started to try to conceive again I wasn't stressed/worried and really thought it would just happen! Unfortunately not! So back to the NHS and got the only funding that was available and did 6 months of clomid and a laproscopy which showed all clear. We then tried again naturally with acupuncture as I thought well there is no problem to no avail. So in April this year we decided due to my age that we would have to go down the private route and try IUI or IVF. 
When I went to the initial appointment they have to do all of the normal blood tests and they did an AMH test which came back at 6.1 (very low ovarian reserve) and we have now found out that I only have about 5 or 6 antral follicles therefore am never going to produce loads of follicles. As you can see my first round of IVF was abandoned and the 2nd resulted in 2 Embies being put back which unfortunately didn't stick..

Anyhow we have paid for another 2 treatments (we signed up for a 3 for 2) and I go back to the consultants 5th November to discuss when my next cycle will be. 

However, if neither cycle works then I am going to have to close the door on adding to our family as TTC has taken over my 30's!

Sometimes when I am reading horror stories on fertility friends I feel extremely guilty and can't beleive how lucky I am. My God, I have the most beautiful daughter who I absolutely love to bits but she has started school now and keeps asking if we can have a baby as she is a big girl now and would really love a little sister or brother. I think she has just realised that everybody seems to have a sibling! And I want to be one of the parents in the playground trying to manoeuvre my pram!

Wishing everybody a BFP soon. Lets hope 2010 is our year!

Mary xx


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## Chrissy44 (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi Becky and Mary,

Thanks so much for your hugs and kind words.  

Like you Becky, I feel sooo guilty about feeling down when my friends are pregnant.  Its a funny mixture of emotions isn't it - your pleased for them, but you feel so sad that it isn't you.

We have now been referred to Hammersmith Hospital so will see what they have to say as our test results are all fine.  Everyone keeps telling me that's good -which it is, but a part of me wants there to be something that can be "fixed" so we know what to do next.

Big hugs to all and lets hope that we're the next ones with the big announcements  

xxxx


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## squidgely (Oct 30, 2009)

I have a 6.5 year old DD conceived naturally. TTC for 3.5. years.  I agree when looking on the bright side we have been able to take part in lots more with her such as swimming and provide a bit more for her as there is only her such as activity classes which she loves.  The thing that really got me last week was when she asked for a baby brother or sister like everyone else.  She too is noticing all of her friends are having siblings and we struggled to think of a child in her class who didn't have a sibling.  I said maybe one day she would have a brother or sister but what can you say to a 6.5. year old.  We are seeing the consultant next week to discuss clomid.  I had an ectopic last year and left tube removed.  Had all blood tests/scan/HSG which showed remaining tube clear.  So we will have to see what the consultant says.


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## Chrissy44 (Oct 1, 2009)

Good luck with the consultant Squidgely - we're off to see one too in a couple of weeks so perhaps we can swap positive vibes     Let me know what happens xxx


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## honeypinkblonde (Jun 3, 2009)

hi i sort of understand how you feel,i have 2children agecd 11 and 6 and have been ttc for 2yrs.i feel so jealous and cant stand being near babies or bumps.i really really want a baby,i'm a stay home mum my ds is at school and i feel like i'm wasting time.i dont want to start working i want another baby.its so hard.dont let them bother you,your little one is still little,enjoy every minute and it will happen.i have given up hope.i really dont know know where to go now,but its so nice to know others feel the same/you take care of yourself and good luck


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## squidgely (Oct 30, 2009)

Hi everyone

Chrissy-  I am on cycle day 18 and am taking clomid 50mg on day 2 - 6 so I have completed this months.  Had a scan on day 13 and had a 18mm folllie.  Was told by the nurse that in the next 2 - 7 days I should ovulate.  So there has been lots of    over the last week.  Haven't had any se apart from bloating and stomach cramps this week.  Was feeling very positive but am now a bit nervous about af turning up.  Good luck to  everyone

Squidgley


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