# New here and desperately unhappy



## merryscottuk (Apr 10, 2014)

Hi everyone

First of all, I feel a bit of a fraud being here as I have an amazing, healthy little 3 year old (nearly 4) boy.  But we have been TTC no2 for two years now (in May) and have unexplained infertility.  I have good and bad days and today is most def a bad one.  Period due next week and I can feel the loom of anxiety/desperation/hope/despair coming already...

Since trying, we have both had tests.  I've had scans, blood tests, hsg (unsuccessful) and a laparoscapy.  There's nothing wrong with me.  Husband has given two samples - both high % but with a few funky ones - nothing to worry about though they say.

My little boy is desperate for a sibling and I ache every time I see pregnant mums dropping kids off in his nursery class - or worse, their tiny new born baby in a car seat under their arm - while everyone coos and makes a fuss.  I can't bear it.

I get asked/told so many insensitive things from people: "are you not pregnant yet??!!" "well at least you have your son" and "just relax and it'll happen" and "would it be the end of the world if it was just the three of you?". Well, at the moment, yes it actually feels like it would be.  Ridiculous I know.  But I can't bear the thought of not feeling a baby growing inside me again, the smell of their skin, breastfeeding.  I can't comprehend that my time with my wee boy was the one and only.

Friends are pregnant or trying for no 2. One is overdue just now.  My best friend said last night that she's going to aim to be pregnant before xmas so she can "milk" the maternity leave at her work.  She knows what i'm going through but she still felt the need to say this as if it's as easy as baking a cake.

Sometimes I really hate people - it's so destructive. I even find myself hating my husband sometimes who thinks I'm "obsessed" with it and thinks we should just leave it and be grateful for what we have.  This is having such a toll on our marriage   We just seem to be on such different wave lengths.  He also drinks too much - way too much. Which I know may be having an effect on his fertility (despite his test results being ok).  He's not interested in IVF (which we'll have to self fund) and when we have our 2 year app on the 1st May, I know this will be discussed.

Yes I'm depressed and have been prescribed sertraline for the past 6 months. I'm also have counselling which is really good.  But days like today I just feel like running away from it all.  

Sorry if this is such a depressing post - but I really feel like there's no one else who understands around me.  It's a very lonely experience.

M x


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## MrsRL (Dec 11, 2013)

Hello. I didn't want to read and run. It sounds like you're having an awful time of it you poor thing. You have definitely come to the right place, this forum has been so helpful to me already. I'm not in the same situation as you as we have no children as yet and have been told our only option is IVF but there are lots of lovely ladies and boards on here that should help you.

Unless you have gone through this it is very hard to understand and people are so insensitive, it's not nice  good luck with everything and using the forum.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

hey merryscott, welcome.. it's not fraudulent to want another: you can't help the way you feel.. 
it's very difficult to live with someone when you believe their drinking is getting in the way of what you want or need. i think you will be less lonely when you realise there are people in here (though i'm personally not in the exact same boat!) who understand or are in similar situations. it certainly helped me when i realised i wasn't the only person not managing to pop a baby out to order. It can be easy to look around (because infertile people don't tend to wear badges) and see everyone else as succeeding where you have failed... babies everywhere and every TV advert makes you cry. 
_"Period due next week and I can feel the loom of anxiety/desperation/hope/despair coming already..."_ it's quite important to recognise that your hormones are creating some of the panic/despair feelings... while it's frustrating that you're not pregnant, it is still a good sign that you are getting periods.. some people start from worse scenarios. 
we were unexplained too it is frustrating because you don't know what to 'fix'. But on the other hand, there is hope. I think you need to talk again about IVF to your other half, maybe explaining that it would only get more expensive to do if you wait longer to do it, and agreeing a limit on treatment.. maybe he would let you do two cycles? That could take a year but you could maybe agree that after that if it fails, you accept the situation as it stands and move on? If nothing changes this argument will just hang over you indefinitely and weaken your relationship, but a specific time limit or set amount of treatment at least gives you something to work with. A few years ago ( i know it's not quite the same thing!) DH wanted to move house and i didn't, well eventually i agreed a time limit, and agreed i would do everything i could to support finding a house but the deal was if we didn't find one in the time limit, we'd stop looking. Well we were very lucky and found the perfect place! But only after we built a compromise we could both live with were we able to sort it out... before then it had been a couple of years of him going on about moving and me feeling threatened every time he mentioned it. I could relax once i knew how the timing would work. A similar approach could help you agree what to do next. good luck


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Merryscott    It is so hard when AF appears every month, it almost feels like a punishment and as GB says the hormones on escalate those feelings.

People say the most insensitive things don't they.  I've lost count of the amount of times I've been asked why we haven't had children yet, many people who you don't even know that well seem to think they can comment!  All of my friends have at least one child and are planning or are pregnant with their second/third babies and me and DH are just us.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down at the moment and that it is putting such a strain on your relationship.  I really hope that your appointment offers and opportunity for you and your husband to discuss some ways forward and hopefully find a compromise.

Take Care

Dory
xxx


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## merryscottuk (Apr 10, 2014)

Hi again,

Thank you all so much for replying. I didn't get a notification that anyone had hence not logging back in.  You're right about setting a limit/timescale goldbunny.  I just wish my DH would even talk about that.  We've had a bit of a break through with his drinking since I last posted and he's seen a counsellor.  He's also been off the booze (barr one day - scuse the pun) which is incredible.  I don't want to raise the baby subject again yet as I feel it might set him on edge. I very much walk on egg shells around the subject with him.

Well period is due tomorrow and i'm spotting already - feeling royally [email protected] as I always do! Even though I tell myself time and time again not to get my hopes up.  It's only natural though right?  I can't bear seeing all the bumps out and about, the cute spring baby clothes in the shops or even adverts like you say.  It's just like a knife in the guts every time.

I am fortunate in that my periods are so regular and I really must start using my clearblue fertility monitor now that i've reset it (I bought it from someone second hand).  I just hope it doesn't add to my anxiety - my counsellor says to stay away from them!

Thanks again ladies - i'll def be dropping in regularly. xxx


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## Mazerati (Nov 1, 2013)

This is how I feel.  So want a sibling for my DS.  Hate taking him to nursery because EVERYBODY has a perfect 2 (or more) kid family.  Feel that I have let DS down...  Everyone we know who wants a second has theirs now or are well on the way.  One friend I think is about to have a third but hasn't been able to tell me.  Secondary infertility is especially cruel - you don't see it coming...  The other day my DS referred to one of his toys as his brother..  I could have cried...


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## C0nfused (Apr 13, 2007)

Welcome to FF!!!

I hope you had a good Easter with your DS and hubby. I've put together some links to the different sections of this forum that I think you might find useful. There is a section on here for secondary infertility, which I think you could find some help in speaking to others who are in similar position to you. There is also a section about coping with infertility which again I think may bring you some support. I've also added some links about supplements, alternative therapies etc which, although you say you don't think you will go down the IVF route, you may find some useful information to help you and your hubby.

This is a journey for both of you, I hope you find a way to be able to discuss how you are feeling with your hubby to make sure that you are both on the same wavelength. Good luck with your appointment in May 

Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.
Here are a few links that I think might help you.

Coping With Infertility ~ CLICK HERE

Fertility Investigations - CLICK HERE

Site guidelines - CLICK HERE

Fertility Information Guides and Articles ~ CLICK HERE

Trying To Conceive Naturally with Fertility / Health Issues ~  CLICK HERE

Diagnosis ~ CLICK HERE 
Investigations & Immunology ~ CLICK HERE

Unexplained ~CLICK HERE

Secondary Infertility ~ CLICK HERE

Complementary and Holistic Approaches - CLICK HERE

Supplements & Fertility Friendly Foods ~ CLICK HERE

Acupuncture Reflexology & Chinese Medicine ~ CLICK HERE 

Homeopathy Aromatherapy & Herbal remedies - CLICK HERE

Reiki, Hypnotherapy and Visualisation - CLICK HERE

Preparing For Treatment / Waiting To Start Treatment - CLICK HERE

Keep a diary of your treatment (or read the experiences of others) ~ CLICK HERE

Regional ~ CLICK HERE

What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~   CLICK HERE

Our live chat room has a new member chat at 8pm on Wednesday. Here is our Chat Zone section which will give you info on other chats: CLICK HERE

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it. We go through all the highs and lows of treatment together. 
Good luck!


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## pumpkin1975 (Dec 4, 2013)

Hello merryscott uk

Just wanted to say hi and say that you are not a fraud! Why would you not want what everyone else craves? It must be heartbreaking.

People say cruel things. I've had it all from friends and family included. Now people understand that there is a problem they are nicer, but I still get crappy comments from people I don't even know! A checkout women in the chemist told me not to buy pregnacare and I should just relax and it will happen because that's what happened to her sister when she stopped trying ! Well bully for her! Why do people think it's their right to say such cruel things to strangers??

You are in the right place to let off steam, we get it. At the moment I feel like the whole world is pregnant and that I'm never going to be.

I have just started BCP for ivf no. 2. Would love twins!! That would solve the second sibling thing. But one would be a miracle.

Take care
Jx


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