# After IVF, I desperately want to adopt, DH doesn't



## Tracey R (Aug 9, 2008)

Hi,

This is my first post here, and I’m basically at my lowest point, not knowing how to resolve a dilemma.  I’ve already spoken to my IVF counsellor but I’m still lost.

We’ve finished two IVF attempts – both unsuccessful, but I’m still desperate for a child.  

I would really want to try another IVF attempt, but DH has said he doesn't want to go through it again.

I've also raised the topic of adoption - I'd definitely want to consider adopting a child, but my DH is completely against it – he simply says there is no way he wants to adopt.

We’ve been together twelve years, and I’m basically wondering if this is the end of us – how can we go forward with such an irresolvable problem?  I really do love him, but I can’t bear the thought of him not wanting another IVF attempt and not allowing us to adopt – it makes me so angry!

I’m not sure that if I give in to him now, that I won’t resent him for it in years to come.  The infertility problem lies with him – my body is working absolutely perfectly, so I feel that he’s stopping me have my life-long dream of a family.

I really don’t know what to do…

Tracey


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## sara1 (Jul 28, 2008)

Hi Tracy,

Sounds like u r going through a really difficult time.  Would your DH consider going to counselling sessions with u?  If he did it might mean u could tell him how u really feel and he may come to understand your deep yearning 4 a child.
Maybe your DH is annoyed with himself 4 not being able to give u the baby u so deeply desire.

Does he talk to u about his infertilty problems or does he bottle them up?

I'm sorry I can't give u anymore advice.  I read ur post and I didn't want to go past it without replying.

I hope everything works out 4 u both and u can see a way through this difficult time together.

Sending u big hugs   

Sara


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## MillyFlower (Apr 6, 2007)

Hi Tracy,

Huge       . I'm sorry to hear of your two BFN's. I've been there and I feel your pain.  

Many men just need a bit longer to get their heads around everything. I agree seeing a councilor together could really help. Also you need to ask him why as he may just be scared of any more pain. There are so many options open to you both and the most important thing you can do it to be open with each other about how you are feeling. Could you have a chat after a few glasses of wine? It may help him to express his emotions and feelings 

Much love,

Milly xx


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Tracey,

My Dh was pretty similar, after years of ttc and nothing we had all the tests and it turned out he has abesence of the sperm tubes (cant remember the technical term) but basically meant the sperm could go nowhere, it did mean we could try icsi, but initially he was absolutely against this, he did however change his mind a couple of years when we got a phonecall out of the blue from the nhs clinic who were doing an audit of their files and wanted to know if we still wanted to stay on their 'books', we then went through the pain of 5 att,empts of icsi which resulted in nothing, dh from the beginning was very against the idea of adoption but had no rational reason for this just said he wouldnt consider it, he has never talked openly to this day about his infertility but before we adopted he used to say that every day when he woke up it came into his mind which made me feel very sad 

I cant remember the turning point when he changed his mind about adoption he just did and perhaps he needed time to come to terms with never having his own biological child, perhaps he still hasnt, all I would say that he loves his AD 100% and wouldnt be without her, he had always wanted a daughter and adoption made that possible.

Perhaps your dh needs more time and he may or may not decide adoption is for him you both need to be fully committed and ready for it as it is just as emotionally gruelling perhaps moreso that IVF (if thats possible).  I can relate to what you are saying about wanting to be a mother although I was lucky to have my own birth child just not to my dh, your dh probably does know how important it is for you to become a mum but maybe cannot see past his own issues with it to deal with your pain at the moment give him some time and perhaps broach the subject again when you are both relaxed.  Perhaps a weekend away? away from the day to day stresses can be helpful.

I hope you resolve things and achieve your dream.

Take care

Dawny
x


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## Tessie* (Nov 11, 2007)

Hi,

DH and I are about to start our third cycle of ICSI and we both know that one day we will have to agree that enough is enough, and I know that day isn't too far away. I know that doesn't sound very positive, but I guess we are just being realistic. My way of dealing with this is by looking at what other options we have after IVF. For me adoption is the next step, but DH is not keen on the idea. 

DH doesn't know if he wants children enough if they are not his own, he is worried about birth parent interference and that he wont love a child that's not biologically his. These are major issues that I find difficult to understand. DH wants to feel different, but knows he has these underlying feelings. We've talked through this and he is open to talk to a counsellor or anyone that has had a similar experience. Does anyone know where we can get contact details for a counsellor or help group? 

For me there are so many children out there waiting to be loved and cared for and I know we would be amazing at it!

Tessie x


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## billy69 (Nov 5, 2007)

Hi Tracey and Tessie,

I share your  feelings although my case is different - it is DW who isn't keen on adopting. Moreover, as I am the infertile one, I can't complain much.

In my case taking our time has helped. We understand each other's point of view better, I am now letting DW go on with her pg studies, and then we will probably apply for adoption in about a year time. Gathering more information on adoption (including info meetings at LAs) helps too and does not involve any commitment.

Good luck,

Billy


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

I don't know if this will help any of you but here goes....

When DH said he'd had enough of tx I didn't know what to do, I didn't think adoption was what I wanted to do.  After a while, having read many forums and some books, we compromised on trying adoption but if at any time I felt it wasn't right we'd go back to ivf.  With that in mind I felt able to look into adoption as an option not as the only way I'd have a family.

We went on an info evening and discussed everything on our weeks holiday the following week, I think I changed my mind every hour for the first 5 days!  We then decided we would have the initial visit and talk some more to a SW about things.  After 3 hours of informal chat we were a lot happier and I was eager to get going.  The prep course was emotionally draining at times, very full on with some scary details (but they have to give you the worst info rather than a rose tinted picture) but after each day I was more determined to adopt, I knew we could offer a loving, stable home to some children and that even if we didn't love them straight away we would eventually.

We now have a 2yr old son who has been home 8.5weeks, he can be hard work but then hes 2!  originally we went for siblings so we will go through the process again at some point for another child.

What I am trying to say is, you don't have to be 100% sure to get the ball rolling, how can you know for definate when you know nothing or very little about it?  You can pull out at any time during the process or put it on hold if you want to proceed but not quite ready.  I had all the same doubts but I know we did the right thing now.

Love
OT x


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## Tracey R (Aug 9, 2008)

Hello again, and sorry for my delay in responding, but we've just had the most awful weekend, full of arguing and unhappiness.

Thanks for all your kind comments and advice, which are all very much appreciated.

Out of the blue, he has actually said he WILL now agree to go through another IVF attempt!  This is wonderful for me, but adoption still appears out of the question, so I'll just concentrate on the IVF for just now.

The funny thing is, we actually have been going through counselling for the last few years, and he comes to every appointment, and didn't even drag his heels over it!  Our counsellor is wonderful and a lovely woman, but even she couldn't bring him round to the idea of adoption.

Regarding a nice few glasses of wine, unfortunately that's been one of his downfalls over the last while - it became too much of a comfort, so I know the stress is getting to him, but he'll need to cut right back on this now we're doing another IVF!

And a break seems a great idea, which is why I was so surprised we've had the arguments recently - we've got a lovely two week break in Spain just next week, so he should have been MORE relaxed not less.

Anyway, I suppose we just can't keep up with men's minds sometimes, and I'm just glad we're going to do another IVF later in the year - it's such a surprise.

Thanks very much again for all your kind comments and help - I appreciate you all taking the time to help, and it really helped soothe my stress reading them, and put me in a much better place, so thank you so much - I wish you all the same warm feelings and luck and whatever magical dust may be around you.

Tracey
xxx


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