# When to say enough is enough? Especially if you still have frozen embryos?



## elvie (Aug 13, 2004)

As above really.
Dh doesn't think we've tried hard enough for a sibling (actually I think he thinks I haven't tried hard enough not 'we'). I am happy to give it one more FET go but after that think it's time to call it a day even if we do have embies left (which we will have). I have a lot of them in storage and therefore I could do 10 more SET cycles in theory. But where should one stop!?

As background, we have done 2 fresh cycles (first resulted in ds) and 3 FET transfers plus one that was cancelled after taking the drugs but the embie didn't defrost.
This has been very on and off over 9 years. 

Another issue we have is that when I do a cycle, I don't exactly feel enthused by it all - it isn't my idea of fun or something to be excited about - whereas Dh thinks I should be more positive. How do other people deal with this?


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## KLconfused (Jan 2, 2010)

Hi, that's a tricky one. 
Firstly im jealous you have so many frozens. I know everyones situation is different though. 
You haven't said if you would actually like a second child? I know there are loads of benefits of just having the 1. 
If you do want a second child though then I would do the transfers because you don't want to look back and regret it when its too late. If you can afford to have lots of tries then I would give it maybe 1 year or so and do as many transfers as you can to try to get pregnant. I really don't think whether your optimistic about it working or not makes any difference. Its understandable that your not excited with what you have been through in the past and the treatment can be pretty awful. 
If you give it a set time you know what you have to get through and you can agree that with hubbie. Then you have done all you can.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

yeah i'm jealous too of the idea of 'lots' of frosties, it took me 2 cycles to get my three frosties and they are very precious! 

there's a few ways to look at this: if you don't want another child, then don't try! don't put yourself through it if you aren't sure..
but on the other hand, maybe those embryos are your children waiting to meet you! if they already had names and faces, would you put them back in the box? or would some maternal instinct kick in? 
how does/would your existing family feel about it? 
can/would you donate the unused ones or would they be able to be used to research, or would they be destroyed? 
good luck deciding anyway.


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

Honestly?

It sounds to me like you've had enough - maybe not forever, but certainly for now.  This has been your life for YEARS now so yes you have tried, and you have tried hard enough.

Perhaps your husband would have a slightly different view if he had to pop pills and be a pin cushion constantly!  It seems that at the minute you and your husband are in different places and that he's still desperate for another child and you're now wondering whether you can face putting yourself through it again.  It doesn't mean you're giving up on your babies or that you aren't willing to try hard enough - my consultant said to me that if it was left to them as men to go through what we do, we'd have died out a long time ago - and how very true that is!

It's easy for us to say oh wow how fabulous to have so many frosties, but it's so draining to keep going and going and going.  Maybe that is coloured by the fact that you already have one child, as it's not as black and white as if you don't keep going you will never have a child.  There is absolutely no shame in doing what is right for YOU and if that isn't necessarily what your husband wants then perhaps he'd like to become a medical guinea pig and have a womb implant and see how well he copes with being pumped full of drugs and prodded and poked!

I think there's one of two ways to go here - take a few months out to really really think about this so you can get a clear idea of what you truly want rather than just keep going regardless.  Alternatively you agree now with your husband to continue and do however many cycles you feel you want to do and set the limit at that - if it's one, do one.  You don't have to answer to anyone just because you have frosties - if you've had enough, then it's time to move on.   xxx


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## elvie (Aug 13, 2004)

Thank you for your helpful advice and kind words. 

I think part of the problem is that he has already started to resent me for 'not trying hard enough' so far (in that I've had such long gaps between treatment cycles because it isn't something I'm desperate to do again each time) and because I've been negative about treatment over the last few years and he doesn't understand why I moan a bit about having to do it. I can't be all oh great it's time for treatment when it's not exactly pleasant. I think for him it's about the possibility of having another baby which is a positive but for me I never allow myself to think like that as we know that it often doesn't actually work! i.e. it doesn't result in another baby!

To him he just thinks we have these frosties, keep going on and on, but as you've all said, it's not as simple as that for us and it really does take over our lives.

If I could get pg the normal way, I'd have had a second one hopefully but I'm so grateful for the dc I thought I might not have and whilst a second might be nice, I'm not desperate enough for that to go on forever.

I'm happy (well relatively! Maybe that's not the right word - willing!) to do another cycle of FET. Really I think DH and I have issues around treatment that might benefit from counselling. 

I like the idea of doing it for a set time and then stopping. 
I'm scared that when we stop he won't agree with it and then will again, resent me. The existing resentment is eating up at our relationship in other areas sadly. 

Sorry to get all heavy!


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

elvie

It seems it is as I suspected and tbh I think your husband is bullying you in to tx that you aren't ready to do at this time.  If it's already affecting things, I'd be inclined to dig your heels in until it's sorted.  There's a niggle in the back of my head - and probably in yours, that even if you do another cycle and you get another precious bundle ... will this all start again over number 3 just because there are frosties left.

I'd insist on seeing a counsellor if I were you - I'll openly admit that I have always been sceptical about such things, but now we're entrenched in this journey I think it's important to get some outside perspective.  Your husband needs to understand what he is doing to you and your marriage before too much damage is done - he needs to realise too that your son will be picking up on the vibes at home.


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