# adoption-starting out-help please!



## AliG63 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hiya,
Myself and dh are contemplating adoption, having been unsuccessful at DEIVF and  thinking about 'What next'? in our dream to have a child. Everything's horrible right now, having just had a negative pregancy test, and having no more money to throw at the DEIVF rollercoaster..
Just need to know 'Is it true that at 47 (dh is 61) we might have problems adopting a baby up to 2'? Had anyone had any positive experiences they can share?
Any advice would be gratefully received!!
Ali Xxx


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

Hi there
i hate to be negative but an LA or a VA would want to know that you could see a child through to adulthood we are matched with LOs aged 7 and 4 and in the middle of intros, we are both 34 and would not want children younger than 4 so widen your scope and think about sibling groups, it has taken us 18mnths to get to this point it is a long process and is intrusive


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## AliG63 (Jul 15, 2010)

Jules- Thanks for yr advice but we were told me could apply for any child/baby on any LA newsletter.
Don't think it's quite that prejudiced against oldies (!) or set in stone. We don't have any children from previous, don't smoke. so all good factors, . Also  dh is incredibly fit, does 5 mile runs weekly! but we'll just have to see...
Ali Xxx


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi Ali
Sorry to hear about your failed tx, I know how hard it all is   . I know there is an age limit but it is definitely in the 40s I think, best phone around and ask. May also be worth calling VA's too. I think you may have more of a problem with your DH's age really    but not really in a position to confirm as I don't really know. Unfortuntely there is a lot of competition for little ones.
However I do remember a lady that came to one of our prep courses who was 47 and had adopted an 18 month old boy. The reason why she had been able to was that she was happy to consider children from parents with mental health problems (not all mental health problems are genetic) and so she had not been in a competitive match with this little one. She seemed really happy, and he was now 4 and doing brilliantly.
Otherwise you may need to consider adopting from abroad perhaps although this is very difficult too and can be very costly.
Good luck!
panorama


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## AliG63 (Jul 15, 2010)

Thanks, Panorama, that's really helpful. Yes know Dh's age goes against us, but I'm still in my forties- in fact the administrator said that's the age group that make the most enquiries, so they must be
sympathetic to that- and fact that most of us have had horrible, long-drawn out IVF experiences 
Yes, will try VA's - think most of Barnardo's children they advertise as being age 1-4, so maybe that's more promising. don't like the idea of the red tape and real intrusion that surrounds LA's investigations. but what can you do? 
Thanks again.  Good luck with your little boy! 
Ali Xxx


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## sweets x (Jul 28, 2008)

Hi, can't offer much advice regarding the age situation. Just wanted to wish you luck x x


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## AliG63 (Jul 15, 2010)

thanks Sweets! Good luck to you too. It's nice all being in the same boat  Ali xxx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi Ali

I am awaiting Matching Panel and have gone via an LA and yes, it is intrusive and LOTS of red tape! But I think VA's have the same amount of intrusion and red tape too as it's all legally required...

As regards age... you are not old!!!! I am 40 and have been approved for a 2 year. They go on the age of the youngest partner and don't like there to be more than 45 years between the age of the parent and the age of the child but I am sure each case is judged on its merits and there will be the usual health checks... there are some REALLY unhealthy 30 year olds!

You have got through IF, IVF and all the nightmare that goes with that so I am sure you'll be ok. You just need to be resilient, determined and keep a sense of humour! It'll be worth it! xxxxxx


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## AliG63 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hi Kate,
Thanks for your post. Yes have been warned about the intrusion and red tape.! Also, someone from AdoptionUK said best to go through LA as it's quicker, as if you go through VA, it only has to be approved by the LA anyway.
My hubby is a lot fitter than me, he does 5 mile runs regularly. I'm more the couch potato  so will have to get fit quick.. We're looking at going to the LA open eve in early August, and feeling v nervous about it at the mo. How did you find the open eve? Really only just been thinking seriously for last few weeks, as the IVFDE wasn't successful, but feeling quite excited too!!
wishing you Lots of luck with your 2 year old!
Ali xxx


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Hi Ali

I was going to echo what Kate-h said actually!   

But also wanted to wish you good luck. We are with a VA and started our training and prep course in Jan, and have just been approved. Our friends who were approved last month with the same VA have already been matched so these things CAN happen quickly! Do bear in mind that some places want you to wait a certain period of time after IVF before they will accept you; but I think this varies depending on where you go. I have heard of people heading straight onto adoption process, and others having to wait a year. We waited, but that was our choice, we were wrecked after various IF treatments   

Best of luck - and no, you're not old!


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

We didn't have an info evening, we phoned up the LA (our neighbouring authority as we live in an inner city area where there are lots of looked after children and we didn't want to be bumping into Birth Family members or limiting ourselves). I spoke to a SW (who was later allocated to us) and she went through the whole IVF / age / ethnicity / jobs stuff and took our details (it was a 45 min conversation so I'd urge you to put the kettle on first... I thought it would be a 10 min thing) and she came out to visit us I think a week later (it was very quick). We made our initial contact in Sep 09, had prep end Oct / Nov 09 (there was a cancellation so we nipped in there), Home Study started Mar 10, finished June 10, approved Aug 10 (now for the worst bit .... wait wait wait...) Linked May 11 Matching Panel Jul 11, our little girl will hopefully move in mid Aug 11!!! It seems a long time but looking back it has whizzed and there's loads to keep you busy. I am still trying to lose IVF weight 3 years on - I am hoping an active toddler will prove a good weight loss incentive!!

Good luck and I can honestly say it's been the best thing we've done (and I am a young 40 hahaha!!!!)


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Ooops forgot to say... we waited 10 months between last IVF and applying for adoption. Our LA specify 6 months but we were wrecked too and it took DH time to get his head round it - frustrating for me because I am a NOW NOW NOW type of person - but in retrospect I am glad we waited and it ensured he was 100% ok with everything.

Much love Kate x


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## AliG63 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hiya Kate and Clomidia,

Clomidia- Thanks for the info. Sounds like quite a long wait for some post-IVF but hopefully we won't have to wait for SW allocation, etc., cause of my/dh's ages! I'm not sure about a VA, but might go to the Barnardo's open evening just to keep our options open. but someone said they have older and harder to place children with more special needs. Is that right?

Kate- Thanks. Sounds like it was quite long drawn out for you in the end. especially waiting for your little girl. How old is she? I'm really hoping we can look at children 0-3 but maybe we will have to go a bit older. Will have to see.
How much contact is there with the birth family pre and after the adoption process? Sounds a bit daunting!

Ali Xxx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi Ali she is 2. I know of people that got linked much quicker than us esp if you want a sibling group, but we were sure that one child would suit our family. We were happy to wait as so much in adoption (and life!) is uncertain, we wanted to be as certain as we could be that we could cope with the uncertainties (if that makes sense!) It was very frustrating though but I can understand why it has to be so pedantic (at the time I didn't!) I think you'll be fine with children 0-3. 
We will meet the Birth Parents at some point I think after our little girl has moved in. We will then have Letterbox contact. It's not something I'm looking forward to but I'm telling myself it'll be for her benefit not BP's or mine!
If you look at the whole process it is daunting, but take it in bite sized chunks and you'll be ok. I sometimes think ignorance is bliss!


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## lolabelle1 (May 2, 2010)

Hi everyone,
This is a very interesting discussion- mind if I jump on please?
We have recently been advised to give up IVF and are deciding whether to try VA or LA when adopting. I have also heard that VA tend to have more difficult to place children too. Do any of you know if this is true?
Thanks in advance for your answers 

Good luck Ali- I agree it is all very exciting!


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## AliG63 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hiya -
Thanks Lolabelle- Yes I heard from the administrative person at Adoption UK that VA's deal with harder to place children, and 
that the whole process would probably be longer as you'd have to have your child approved by the LA even if you've gone
through the VA. and the whole process  sounds long enough already    Good luck! 

Kate- Best of luck. 2 is a lovely age. Think we'd like a girl, and not sure about siblings. Think one child would be a big enough
take on, as both of us have never parented before. Did you do much about bonding with your SW? That is something that
scares me, both that I might not be able to and that the child might not too! but spose will learn more at the open evening. 

Ali Xxx


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi

DH and I have never parented before either and we have been through every emotion from huge excitement to absolute terror and I think that's normal. We are now feeling mostly excitement and we can't wait to meet her. We (well I!) are worried in case she doesn't like us or if she is very different in personality to how she has been described but we'll soon see! 

Our SW has told us and we've done lots of reading too, that parenting an adopted child is very different to parenting a birth child and we did lots of work on promoting attachment, so don't worry about that. I have found the hardest thing has been trying to deal with other people... eg people at work not understanding that we won't be bringing her in immediately like they do with a birth child, or that lots of love and a hot meal won't 'fix' her past, nor will she suddenly 'forget' everything that's happened   . I think the message is slowly getting through though! Our job is to help the children make sense of their past and be honest and open and therapeutic (in theory!!) but you will learn all about that too. It's really interesting and I HOPE I can put it in to practice!   

Lolabelle - I too have heard that VA's tend to have harder to place children but you're best checking out lots of different agencies before you make your decision.


Hope that's helped


Kate x


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

I would like to stick up for va, we were approved and matched in 15mths and have great sw who is on call 24/7 we are at the end of intros and only real issue is  motorskills with elder child 7, our va is professional and supportive while the la struggle to return a call


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## lolabelle1 (May 2, 2010)

Hi JulesF- so exciting one day until your child is home!  - did you have problems being matched? The agency we called were amazing but I'm not sure we would be ready for a child with very complex needs.


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Re the LA/VA situation, I'm not sure it's always the case that they take longer or are more complex. I think it depends on the individual/couple and how suitable they are for children out there... Our VA are fab; friends of ours have just been matched with a 12-month old, and they were approved 2 months ago - so you don't always have to wait a long time; it really is different for everyone. The other thing I like about our VA is that they are 100% committed to us - they are not being distracted with trying to find families for children as well as children for families, iykwim - they spend all of their time looking on the right match for us... couldn't recommend them enough... we have work emails/home emails/mobile phone numbers, any time we need them we can contact them... but this is compared to my LA who told me I wouldn't want to adopt the children they have (hence why we went with VA, how would he know we wouldn't want those children?!? Cheek!)


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

I think there are good and not so good SW's with both... I made a phone call to an LA who were appalling so sacked them after 2 months of them not being bothered at all and we really fell on our feet with this LA and our SW... Have no experience with VA's at all but would re-iterate advice to phone around and I think you get a 'feel' for how the LA/VA are....

Jules - wow how exciting having your children home!!! We are at matching panel next week.... I am so excited and also terrifed re intros! Have you got any top tips?

Kate x


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## AliG63 (Jul 15, 2010)

Hi everyone
Thanks for the advice. Think it must depend on the individual LA/VA on what sort of service you get. I'm talking as an absolute novice. but I have heard that the more flexible you are , ie saying your prepared to adopt 2 children or a child with special needs, the better. However you do have to think about your own needs and what you could cope with.
but we're going to an LA open even on 8th Aug so will find out a lot more then.
In the meantime going off to (wet) North Wales. So hope the weather bucks up  
Ali Xxx


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