# Massive Mad Rant! Please say it gets better...



## Marmalady (Sep 14, 2017)

Hi Everyone. 

I'm Marm and my infertility is to date, unexplained. 

We've been trying to conceive since 2013. Suffered an ectopic pregnancy in 2015 which ruptured and I had to have my right tube removed. I experienced some fairly indifferent care from hospital staff on that occasion and then a horrible boss pressurising me into coming back to work too soon because otherwise I would be (his words) "unemployable". I then found another job and self-funded ICSI in 2017. Turns out that despite my high AMH my egg quality is poor and I was placed on a low stim protocol to avoid OHSS. Only one egg was fertilised and I soon miscarried. Then I amazingly fell pregnant naturally in June but sadly turns out that it was another ectopic pregnancy. The doctors managed to save my left tube through Methotrexate but it's been another complete devastation. 

I find myself absolutely and completely furious at the moment. I swing between anxiety and agitation throughout the day. I have now made the decision that I need to put my career on the back burner in order to stand a chance at having a family. Either more IVF/ICSI or adoption, I think I need to come to terms with the reality that I am not going to progress any further in my job.

I'm furious when colleges in our enormous, soulless NHS multi-team hot-desking area bring in their babies to introduce them to EVERYONE in the office. I'm enraged when senior professionals who can't find baby-sitters bring their children into the office when they are sick, sit them down in their exclusive offices and expect others to entertain them/ take them to the toilet whilst confidential patient records are left on desks. 

I am left deeply wounded and envious when I see pregnant women. I feel hurt that my friends are so busy with their own babies and toddlers to keep in touch. My best friend recently left me feeling really wounded recently when she was carrying her 9 month old, probably feeling a bit exasperated herself, exclaimed "honestly, why do you even want children?". I think if she truly felt the devastation that I feel right now, she would dissolve. I'm enraged by anyone who has the temerity to say "oh we weren't even trying, we just fell pregnant quickly", or anyone who assumes that fertility treatment always works. I want to push people out of the window when they offer unsolicited advice on the sure-fire ways to conceive: "get some acupuncture/ do yoga/ cut out bread/ quit your job/ get a puppy".

But underneath it all, I am absolutely gutted. There are times when I don't think I am going to stop crying. I cry in the toilets and clinic rooms at work. I cry in my car on the commute. I find myself thinking about all of the stupid or unkind things that I have done in my life and think that all of this must be my punishment. 

Please tell me it gets better?


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
Firstly a big hug. Infertility sucks. 

Secondly it does get better, but never completely. I am in the 2ww for cycle 10 ( excluding lots of early cancelled cycles due to thick lining and a cancelled natural cycle). 
It took 5 cycles and moving to de to get my twins. Another 3 transfers to get dd2. And another 3 to get here and I don't know if it has worked yet. 
But I have a family I wouldn't otherwise have. 

And yes, I still get upset when people get pregnant easily. When people comment on my kids that I must have my hands full and I need a medal. I tell them I love it. When they complain about their kids and how it means they can't do all the things they used to do. 

It is easier for some than others. And I can't tell you the outcome. I spent years and thousands on getting my family. I gave up on the oe idea. I researched and worked and scrimped and saved. 


But would I change it? No , as changing that would mean changing my kids. It would mean changing me as I am not the same person who started this journey . 


So yes, it does get better. But it is hard.


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hi Marm

I just wanted to give you a hug.  . Amd yes it definitely gets better.

What helped me a lot was that I focused on other things in life and made IVF just a thinkg I do on the side. I don't discuss infertility, we only discuss it woth my husband while I am going through a cycle.


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

It does get better.  You are currently consumed by it your every waking hour.  Like a form of grief it takes time. In between there is indeed a lot of emotional c*ap to go through.
Big hug 
TCCx


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