# Helping my wife cope



## down the duff (Jul 12, 2013)

Whilst of course I am struggling with our lack of success in terms of getting pregnant it is my wife who is having the most difficulty emotionally and I'm really stuck on what I can be doing to help.

Each month that goes by and the results remain the same she is more and more heartbroken. What doesn't help is that 4 of her friends have had successful births in the last 12 months and the woman she works with is 4 months pregnant.

Most weeks we have tears at some point and I am at the point where I am running out of things to say that help. There is only so many times you can reassure a person that things will work out only for them to continue not working out. Of course, what is also happening is that I am losing some of my own belief that everything will be ok. Is there anything I can say, or do, to make her feel better or at least to help her through?

There is no question of me giving up on anything. I love my wife and will continue to be there for her but I am worried that there will come a point when just being there will no longer be enough.


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## star17 (Oct 31, 2012)

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.  Sounds like you are a lovely DH and I am sure that you are providing a lot of what you need to already.

Everyone is different, but this is what I would find helpful from my DH (who is fab and does a lot of this anyway!):

1). Do your research.  I feel like it is me making the decisions and investigating all of the options.  I would find it amazing if my DH had thought through the options and we could have a good conversation about the future plans.  I find it quite stressful making the plans all of the time and having to work out what the next steps are, are we doing the right thing etc etc.  it would be a big burden off of my shoulders if we were both just as informed.  

2). Don't try to fix it cause you can't!  When she is down, support with lots of hugs.  But also remain positive.  I find it very helpful when my dhsays that e has faith that we will get there.  I need that boost to get me through (as a lot of it is me needing to be strong through ivf etc).  Not sure if you are doing ivf etc - but it will be the same I am sure if you are not.

3). If she is anything like me she will probably be feeling a bit down and hiding from the world.  My DH has organised things for us to do to take my mind off it.  For example he came home the other night and said we were acing 'date night' and we went to a local restaurant for dinner.  It was fab.  Nice walks are also good - being outside seems to make it better somehow!

4). Be very forgiving.  Clearly there is a line, but forgive her for not being quite as funny, outgoing, social and even the odd mood!  This is a hard road and it is easy to lash outgo the person closest.

5). Ali about your relationship.  This journey can test the strongest relationships and you have o get through it together and be nice to each other.  I also think it can bring you together - the two of you versus the world!

Please discard anything above that is not helpful!  I feel like I have jabbered on!

The other thing that popped into my head is whether you know what is happening - whether anything is wrong.  Your post suggests you are trying each month - have you had the investigations etc?  I found that knowledge and a plan has made me stronger.  

Good luck and take care.


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## star17 (Oct 31, 2012)

Ugh - sorry about the typos.


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## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

I think Star's advice are all good. I'd like to add that don't always try to act like the together-guy who keeps the stiff upper lip through thick and thin. When you're upset about this, share it with your wife. At least for me it's been a relief to know that my DH also cares and feels deeply about this, that it's not just me. And sharing it all somehow makes it a little less awful and helps to keep you together. 
Having said that, I don't know how we'd cope if my DH fell apart quite as much as I do!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

for a long time we struggled because every time I got upset DH would just say things like 'we will just have to try harder' and 'it's bound to happen soon/this month/next month' and 'just relax and stop getting so stressed about it it's your stress that's probably stopping it working'. None of these things helped and they made matters worse because a) I never felt like he understood the problem and b) his constant reassurance that everything would be ok actually prevented me from going to get help because I wanted to believe him...

what would have helped if he had said them would have been:

"i'm giving up drinking and hot baths and I'm changing my lifestyle to be as healthy as possible, for as long as it takes" (as opposed to whinging that i'm somehow stopping him living his life and turning me into the bad guy if I say anything - it's about the support that it means not just whether it improves the odds) 
"i'll call some people (GP, clinics, whatever) and get some information about how we can make a plan to move things forward"
"if you'd like us to go to counselling together I would be happy to"
"Let's go together to see GP/clinic and get advice"
"How do you feel?" (followed by actually listening)
"Here's some stuff I looked up on the internet I've been looking into what we need to do next and i'd like us to look at the information together" 
"can we talk about all the possible outcomes from where we are now and think about the pros and cons of each one?" (followed by looking at all the options in an open-minded way.. looking for some common ground even if it just means you agree you feel the same way about some things.)

it's incredibly isolating being challenged by infertility and the most important thing is to make sure she doesn't feel alone in the fight... followed by taking some practical steps to help her with anything she may be scared of facing alone.. sometimes even just a helping hand with the small stuff makes the rest more manageable. It took me so long to be able to go and ask for help, and that wasted a lot of time.. 

 good luck


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## netnet (May 18, 2010)

Hi I read your post the other day, but was rushing out so couldn't reply, then when I wanted to reply I couldn't find it! Got it now, phew...

The posts above give some sound advice, and I would like to suggest a few other things too. You don't mention whether you have had any investigations yet, but for sure stress won't help at all (yes, easier said than done not to stress).

How about taking some proactive steps to ensuring you are psychically healthy, like taking supplements to ensure optimum sperm? I know men don't like to think that anything is wrong with their swimmers, and there might not be, but modern lifestyles can often mean that our health is not what it could be. This is not to be critical of you, but for you to show your wife you are having an input. I can highly recommend Wellman Conception supplements, these brought my husbands levels up in only a few months.

Also, if your wife is finding it difficult to relax how about getting her a conception / fertility meditation to listen to. Apparently we women sometimes need to give ourselves 'permission' to get pregnant. That might sound strange when we want something so much, but if think about it logically it does make sense.
We (women) spend most of our lives trying to avoid pregnancy like the plague, and we are giving this message to our bodies constantly, often for years on end. Then all of a sudden we change our minds and decide we now want a baby. When this happens the subconscious mind can continue to work at protecting us, ie, avoiding pregnancy. The mind is a VERY powerful thing not to be underestimated.

I can highly recommend the meditations / hypnotherapy recordings by Maggie Howell, they work on the subconscious mind (blockages). There are many available including natural conception, IVF, giving birth, plus many others... They are available on amazon and are a very reasonable price (£15 approx).
I think it would help immensely if your wife were able to relax a little. Maybe you could get this as a little gift for her?

May I say that you seem to be a very thoughtful husband, your wife is a lucky lady. I know it's difficult when you don't know how to comfort the one you love. Keep doing what you're doing and offer her lots of hugs and kisses.

Good luck x


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## down the duff (Jul 12, 2013)

Thanks all - great advice.

We are currentlt undergoing investigations. I have a higher than normal count of anti-sprem anti-bodies (ASAB) but good sperm count and motility. They don't seem to think we should really worry about the ASAB.

My wife has had the first test and is waiting on the second, more intrusive test, which is imminent. We get her results next month (hopefully). I do some/a lot of what is mentioned but certainly not all so I have taken a good amount on board and will just have to try harder. 

Thanks again to all

P.S. - We're going to get her a course of Acupunture. I'm not much of a believer in that sort of treatment but everything is worth a shot. if nothing else, it may help her to relax.


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## Weebear (Jul 24, 2013)

Down the duff there are a few things that I do to help myself and pay for by myself. It would mean a lot if my dh supported this. I attend acupuncture and hypnotherapy. We together have also gone to some infertility meets. Tbh, these things help distress and given the woman an outlet for the emotion. Sometimes though all the emotions just need to be worked through. The book, conquering infertility by Alice Domar, mig be worth a read but e adoption chapter should be avoided unless your in that head space. Also I've taken advantage of as much counselling as possible.which is fabulous. You can get this through the nhs, hopefully but appointments are every 6 or so weeks. From all the diffnt things I've read, there really isn't anything to take the pain away and it kind of has to be experienced as it helps process what is happening and is a part of dealing with things in the future. I would also like my dh to take more of an interest. It is really left to me, so like someone already said, do your research and seem interested. Take your vits, keep healthy and don't moan about reducing alcohol etc. good luck xx


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

No advice, just wanted to say you sound like a fantastic husband, good luck


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## down the duff (Jul 12, 2013)

Thanks to all for all the advice  

We get our test results on Thursday - fingers crossed that nothing is wrong.


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## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

Fingers crossed for you guys.  
Even if there is something, at least then you'll know what it is, and you'll know where to go from there. 
Don't be shy to ask loads of questions from your doc if you're not totally sure what some of the results mean.


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