# Can I Join You -Feeling Very Sad and Alone



## hermione (Apr 19, 2004)

Dear All,

I don't really know where to begin.  I never thought I would ever find myself in this position when i started ttc 14 years ago.

By now, I thought i would have my house full of children, a dog and that lovely stone cottage in the West Country i had always dreamed of.
Instead i am childless (44) with a wonderful husband who adores me but does not want to have any further tx and not to keen on adopting either.He is happy with the two of us.
He says we tried our best and beyond but we should accept that is what not meant to be.We have been together 24 years this year and i love him more than ever
  
After 14 cycles of IVF,2 ectopic pg ,1 biochem & 3 m/c and nearly £60 k poorer  he has had enough but me, i just can't let go.I want to try DE but with no savings left DH is reluctant and thinks we should make the most of what we have.
We had our last cycle in July06 with pgs and immune tx but even with 5 grade 1 embies they all had chromosome probs so nothing to transfer.
I was devastated but didn't have time to grieve as my husband had a health scare a week later and i thought i would lose him (misdiagnosed by his GP but just had surgery and is recovering well)
This sent me on a total downward spiral my GP diagnosed reactive anxiety and duly signed me off from work.i couldn't stop crying thinking of life without DH but i was so shocked at my reaction as I had never had anxiety even after all my cycles of ivf,ectopics and m/c .
GP wanted to prescribe antidepressants which I wouldn't have but this episode had rocked my whole world.

I feel so sad I will never be a mother or a grandmother and the grief overwhelms me.I have had counselling but it has made no difference i still feel that great void of despair and sadness.
I cry everytime i think of no children ever
My beloved grandmother passed away 3 weeks ago and as she lived in Canada i didn't get get to say goodbye to her and that has deeply upset me also  
I have a few wonderful friends who know what i have been through and some who wonder why we just didn't give up years ago and go on holidays   but no-one really understands how i truly feel .
I have lurked on here for a while and only just plucked up the courage tonight to actually post as I know you will understand how I feel. 

I apologise for  the long post and I am not normally so depressing but tonight i just felt overwhelmed.

I just hope one day soon it will get a little easier 

Thank you for reading
Hermionex


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hermoine, 

That is just all so, so much to have borne, no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

I have to get out to work right now but rest assurred when I return this afternoon I will post a more fulsome reply. For now you should know that you have come to the right place, and that I am sure that by the end of the day you will have had many messages welcoming you to this place.....

Lots of love, 

Maggie Mae xx


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Hermione sweetheart,
I am so sorry for all you have had to go through and continue to go through. Its no wonder you are feeling so devastated. 
I have just joined here myself and really understand what you are going through. I  sadly do not have the answers but do gain so much from the wonderful women in this group at different stages of the journey. At the moment you have an enormous amount of grief and sadness to deal with and everything I read tells me that this cannot be sidetracked and there are no shortcuts. However in doing so it will help us find a way forward to a better place. I will certainly be here for you. It was only this year through a group I attended (where I met M-M) that I met others who truely understood and I can honestly say it was the best step I ever took. M-M is now running groups herself. Maybe something for you to consider when the time feels right.
Welcome again Hermione. You have found a safe and supporting place.
Love MeganXX


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Dear Hermione

You are welcomed here with open arms.  You've been thro so much and still have not got what you wanted.  I'm so sad for you.  

Like Megan has said, there are no shortcuts.  You've already made a massive step in helping yourself by posting on here and you WILL have support from people who really understand.

Thinking of you hun
Nix
x


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Hello Hermione and welcome to you. I felt so sad when I read your post. That's an awful, awful lot to have been through. No wonder you feel so overwhelmed. Who wouldn't? Why does life have to throw so much at some people? And right now it must also feel like an awful lot has been thrown at you all at once; more than it's fair for anyone to bear.

I'm so sorry for how everything has turned out for you. But so glad you and DH have such an amazing bond after all you have been through. He is clearly very precious to you and of course his health scare has been a shock. And on top of everything else... it never rains, but it pours, Hermione. 

I think you have made a huge leap in the right direction by getting some of how you feel out, and posted here. You will find such amazing support. It's like you have a giant pair of arms around you, hugging you tight. Sounds like it's just what you need so you just hold onto that big hug... we're all here for you.  

Much love B xxxx


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Hermoine

Welcome.

What really struck me reading your post was when you said you have been trying to conceive for 14 years - that is such a long time and you can't possibly expect to 'let go' straight away.  No wonder you are feeling so low.  You are right at the beginning of your journey of recovery.  It will take time to get your head around such a massive shift in your dreams.  We all know this is not going to be easy - in fact it is a very hard process but we do 'get it', we do 'understand' and you have come to the right place to share your pain and hurt.

So sorry to hear of you losing your Grandmother at this difficult time too and also the worry of your husband being unwell.  I hope your wonderful husband is recovering from his illness/op and back to himself again soon.  

So sorry you had to come to us but happy to have you.
Love to you
pipkin x


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Hermione
Just wanted to echo what the other girls have said, and welcome you here  . I am so sorry to hear of the long and painful road you have been on. It sounds like you have been through so much.. I agree - you must share an incredible bond with your husband, and it's so wonderful that you still love him more than ever, after everything you have been through. Some people never have that...But, as the others have said, you cannot simply 'get over it' - it will take time, but you have certainly done the right thing by telling us how you're feeling. 
I think it's perfectly understandable to have experienced anxiety - my god, everything you have had to cope with. I think you must be a really strong person Hermione, and I really am sending you so much peace and hugs.
Also, I really understand how hard it is to lose your grandmother - i lost mine recently and it's tough.
I'm so sorry I can't be more helpful - all I can say is that we will all understand and listen and be your friends.

love, ruby x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hermione, first of all welcome, it's nice to meet you. I'm afraid I do not have any words of wisdom but like all the others have said we are here for you and everyone always gives such fantastic support. I think what pipkin says is so true, after all this time trying, letting go is not going to happen overnight but a gradual process. Keep in touch with us and your GP, some anti dep really help as they can take away the constant thinking and allow your body and mind time to rest. Obviously they are not a long term solution but for now it sounds like rest is what you need and lots of it. I am worn out after only 2 cycles so I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. Thinking of you.

xxxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Hermione,

I just read your post and have tears in my eyes for you and all you have been through. I do hope you will find some support from all the kind replies you have had. This is a very special place and I hope you will feel understood and very welcome. I discovered FF only last year, long after I had come to the end of the ttc road. I feel sure that if it had been there when I gave up ttc, my life would have been easier with the support of the lovely women on this board.

I see you are online, so I will stay around for a while to see if you would like to meet in the chat room?

Just so you know who I am: I am very nearly 51. I feel pretty positive about life now,  I hope that is encouraging for you. But I don't want to pretend this is an easy journey, feeling good about life was a hard won position to find myself in, and to be honest I still have times when I am sad, especially about grandchildren. But mostly I am happy.

I gave up ttc after 7 m/c and several IVF attempts. Did not cope well at having to give up. I did not benefit from the counselling offered (but I do not write it off, indeed I toy with the idea of training myself) and refused antidepressants. I split with my DH, only to come to my senses and get back together! (So lucky that he was still there for me!) This experience has left me very aware of how dealing with grieving up can put such pressure on a couple, and I admit to having a bit of a mission about encouraging people to hold on to the love they have! (Though not to stay in a bad relationship - which yours sounds positively not!)

Anyway, I will be here for a while in case you want to chat in the chatroom.

Lots of love to you,

Jq xxxx


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## samblue (Apr 5, 2007)

Hermione, just sending you huge hugs hun, I'm off to bed now, but had to send you luv and happy friday wishes, I feel for you, but can't begin to imagine what you are going through and have been through. 
take care, luv sam xx


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Hi Hermione,

Have just read your post and just want to say that in my experience it definitely _does_ get easier but it does take a long time especially when you have spent _so _ many years ttc.

I spent 15 years ttc and despite high levels of 'pain' and sadness during those 15 years, the worst point was how I felt when I got to "the end of the road". It is only when you reach the realisation that there is no longer any hope, that you can truly begin the grieving process.

Four years on from reaching the end of the road I have gone from a state of "feeling overwhelming grief and hopelessness" to a state of "feeling fine but with some underlying sadness".... It all takes time and you are only at the beginning of the grieving process - so hang on in there - allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to cry - and allow yourself space and time ..... It _does_ get better - but I think the longer we have spent ttc, the deeper the wound and the longer we need to allow ourselves to heal.

hope this makes sense and hope it helps .......

S.A.F.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Hermione

I am so sorry that you are in such a place of grief at the moment. I see the other ladies have provided you with their pearls of wisdom - we all welcome you here with open arms and hearts.

When I was going through trying for a family of my own it was the hope factor more than anything that made me want to keep on and on... it was after treatment had ended the realisation that there was no more hope was something that was a very bitter and difficult pill to swallow. In the same token I now realise that having that hope was a gift in itself when all else had gone wrong... in time I hope you can find some 'small nuggets of comfort' (to quote our dear MM) in the midst of dark pools of grief.

It helps to talk and express your feelings, be assured you are surrounded by others here who understand. We may not have all the answers, and we may not have travelled the same road as you but we are all here ultimately because we share the same common bond - our dreams of having a family did not come to fruition.

I hope its helped you to get some of that despair and angst out here with us, and I thank you for sharing with us all too. You have made me feel very humbled and honoured to listen to the telling of your story at this late hour.

Go gently sweetheart, we hear your pain and we're here to chat to when the going gets tough...

With much love,
Emcee xxx


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## hermione (Apr 19, 2004)

Dear All,

i just wanted to thank you all for your replies,welcoming me so warmly and  your great words of wisdom .You truly are a wonderful bunch of ladies

Sorry for the late reply but was at a funeral yday and didn't get back until late loggged on briefly but then my water went off so had to try and sort that out ! 

I am feeling a bit calmer today and in a more reflective mood.It  is good to hear that things do get easier with time albeit slowly .DH has said it will as he is coming to terms with this easier than myself.
After my last m/c in 2004 he started to prepare himself for the end of tx but i never have even now i still think if we won the lottery i would try again,will i ever learn.
I do take comfort that i have been pg 6 times but sad that i never got the chance to be a mother.
I have decided rightly or wrongly to look for another job and move house within the next 4 years.I have been in the same role for over 20years and DH wants to retrain in another profession so maybe this will occupy our time

Hopefully I will post in a happier frame of mind next time as i join you all 


Thaks agin for listening

Hermionex


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Dear Hermione

There's not much I can add to the wise words of the other ladies but I do want to add my belated welcome and would like to endorse what a few of the others have said, in my experience it does get easier with time.  

Like S.A.F. I would say that mostly life is good just with some underlying sadness from time to time.

Looking to change jobs and move are very good ideas I think.  I changed jobs (twice) last year and I found it was extremely helpful in moving on.  In some odd way it broke the link between what I now see as my old life and my new life.  Although we haven't moved we will do, we'll down size, free up equity and invest it in ourselves and our relationship.

Try not to be too disheartened by the lows, they are a natural part of the healing process and combined with everything else you're dealing with, hardly suprising.

Good luck.

Flipper


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Dear hermione,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low at the moment.  

Well done on posting - I had never posted on a board before I found this site, but I am so glad I did. It takes great inner strength to admit openly that you are having a [email protected] time, but you have come to the right place  

You have had such a long and cruel journey to get here, it is not surprising you are depressed. I have been prescribed anti-depressants in the past, and they can be helpful in the short-term. If you don't want to take them, have you tried St. John's Wort? You can't take it with certain medicines, so discuss it with your GP first, but I know quite a few people who have used this and found it helped.

Like some of the other ladies on here, I gave up ttc some years ago - and it really does get better. It will take time, and when you have spent so long looking in one direction, turning around to look the other way is challenging. You are facing the unknown, and most of us are pretty darned scared of that. Like you and flipper, I needed to make changes in my life to kind of mark the end of the old life and the start of the new. It helped to change my perspective.

I wish you lots of luck with whatever you decide to do with your life. Hang on in there and remember everyone here understands and supports you. We are all here if you need us.  

Love,
solitaire
xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Hermione, I felt so sad for you. You have had such a difficult time. You must be a very strong person to go through all those treatments - although I am guessing that you feel anything but strong now.
After 14 yrs there will be a lot of grief. I always think it is important to let yourself grieve. A visit to your GP was a good idea. Sometimes I think antidepressants give you some energy - enough to let yourself grieve and that is important.
I am glad your husband is well now and hopefully recovering from his operation. A health scare often makes you realise just how important life is.
Good luck in your journey and I look forward to getting to know you better.
lots love Jo


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