# want to try again but partner doesnt?



## Rowingbeau (Nov 1, 2004)

Hi, Just wondered if anyone out there can relate to this. It seems that alot of us delay treatment for financial reasons but in my case there is one other problem - my DH just cant face it again. We have a DD 2002 ICSI who is our whole world! but would dearly love another child. We have had two more attempts which were just awful and now he cant even face talking about it. Problem is that I am so desparate that I feel like I may go to any lengths to have a baby.
I have been watching the BBC programme ALONE and am finding it difficult to know where to turn. DH doesnt even know whether he will ever be ready. He has had a particularly difficult 2 years for other reasons and is suffering from depression. Am i totally selfish?


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Oh honey, you're absolutely not selfish.  I feel very similarly to you, I would love to have another, but for slightly different reasons I can't.  My DP won't do any more tx, but also he just doesn't want any more kids (you'll see from my profile he's a very lucky man and it's me with the IF).  He also says he couldn't bear to go through what we went through - watching what I went through - again, and what it did to our lives - ie the fact that tx took over our lives for several years and we, well I, thought about nothing else.    I am also not sure I could do any more tx, I was very relieved that it worked third time, I could have possibly done one more cycle but that would have had to be it.  I found tx very difficult, and physically painful as well as emotionally hard work.

Anyway back to you.  The broodiness does not seem to go away just because you have one baby.  Women with IF seem to think they must feel guilty or selfish for wanting another child, when this is perfectly normal for women with no problems conceiving.  It seems for us the decision to have a child, first time, or any subsequent time must be very though through very hard, as it involves getting on a rollercoaster again, and this time it's one you really understand in advance too.  Also you have to think about the effect your tx may have on your first child, which was not an issue before.  It seems pretty unfair really that we have so much more to contend with than straightforward broodiness and desire to be multiple mummies.  I'd have had lots of babies if things were different, and I don't think it's selfish to think that way.

But of course the decision to have a child for anyone must be a decision made by a couple together.  So whilst you're not selfish wanting another, you must be inclusive with him for now when deciding what to do.  
I think you should probably stop torturing yourself by watching the programme, but then I watch it every week and cry for an hour!  Alot of my antenatal group are now having second babies and I'm finding the pregnancy announcements surprisingly hard to deal with.

You say you think you might do anything to have another........ what do you mean?  The urge can be overwhelming but try not to panic yourself by thinking you would take extreme measures - think those measures through logically and see if you still think you would go to any lengths...and remember to think about your relationship with DH, what it means to you to have him and your DD together, and why he doesn't want to do any more tx.

I'd give him some time and then see if you can talk about how he feels first to see if you can come to terms with this together.  I wouldn't start talking about doing more tx as that would seem like you're trying to force the issue.  You need to give him time, it's tough I know controlling how you feel about wanting a baby, but I don't think you have much choice.  Time may heal and work for you both, but you must plan in your head what you will do if it doesn't and how you will find yourself some peace and be able to move on.  

For me, I have just had to come up with plenty of reasons why more than one baby would spoil things for me.    My special boy has to remain particularly special and be horribly indulged.  But I am sad quite often about it. 

Sending you massive hugs and empathy, I do know how you feel.  

Claire xx


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## Minkey (May 22, 2004)

I posted something similar to this further down a while back.  I am in the same situation, I really want to have more treatment to have another child, but my DH does not.  He feels that he doesn't want me to have to go through all of that again (I had quite a difficult pregnancy once I was pregnant as well as the traumas of treatment) and is totally fulfilled by our daughter. He sees no need for another child.

I understand how you feel and it is totally natural, there just seems to be a burning desire inside me for another child and I must at least try to have one.  I can't offer you help, only sympathy.  I have decided to just leave it for now and bring it up again in a few months.  Pressurising him into it was just causing rows.

Hugs to you,

Minkey x


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Hi, I just came into this thread to post almost exactly this...

I'm not ready for one jsut yet, as Mollie is only 11 weeks old! However, I am aware that if we do have another, we need to start things moving fairly early.

DH has started being very cagey about going through it again - his views are different to those expressed on here - his main worries are age (his) and money.  He also has 2 children from his previous marriage, adn he feels a bit like he is 'pushing his luck' - as he has had 3 healthy children and thinks he may be tempting fate.

He has always known i would love to have 2, and even though Mollie is my world, and I am so so lucky to have her, I would love the opportunity for her to have a little brother or sister.

I could probably force him into it, but there is obviously no compromise here - except to agree how many attempts we woudl be prepared to have.

Not sure why i was going to post this, just to see if others have the same problem!


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## Minkey (May 22, 2004)

Sallywags,

Your post is very poignant to me. It mentions compromise and this is something that DH and I have talked over time & time again.  In this situation there is no compromise - you either do it or your don't, between us we can't ever remember being in a situation together the whole time we have been together, where no compromise option is available.  I guess that is partly why it makes it so hard.

Since my last post in December things have turned a corner and DH has now agreed that we can have further treatment, which we intend to start in the summer - but already we are disagreeing over the amount of treatments we have, just as you mentioned.

I have found that lots and lots of talking has got us this far & I hope that things happen for you too as you want them.

Minkey x


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