# 'Moving on' in your early thirties - anyone else?



## katehe

Anyone else out there in my boat? I joined gateway women and met up with a few people but they have all tended to be in their forties and not grappling with my issues of friends with babies and others' expectations that I will have one soon. Struggling a bit with loneliness and isolation at the moment ...


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## 2Buttons

Hi Kate, I'm not quite moving on yet but your post resonated with me, so I wanted to send you a hug and a high five    who knows what tomorrow will bring


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## EvaWishing

Hi Kate. I read your message and thought I completely understand how you feel. I am just 30 and our one and only IVF attempt has just failed. Whilst we do have unexplained infertility so always secretly hope, the quality of my eggs has been questioned through the IVF so a baby of our own is looking unlikely.  Trying to put a brave face on and my husband has been amazing but we are struggling with everybody around us either having young children, pregnant or planning more. Its so hard because I want to be happy/ I am happy for friends and always love their little ones but its always at the back of my mind thinking why is it always everybody elses turn and not ours?  I feel sick and nervous quite a lot of the time and every time I see another scan picture my heart sinks to think we may never have that. I really hope this feeling fades in time. Thats why this website is so reassuring. Its nice to be able to chat to people who understand and dont judge you for it. Sending positive thoughts your way xx


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## katehe

Thanks guys x
Sending you good vibes back x


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## lucy2831

Hi Kate 

I'm 31 and early stages of moving on. I've now had 2 ivf cycles. First resulted in miscarriage and second resulted in a perforated bowel and emergency surgery as my bowel was punctured during egg collection. Neither attempt resulted in many eggs being collected and we have with very sad hearts accepted that this is too much to go through again and are getting our heads around it and trying to move forward. So tough to do especially as almost all my friends and lots of family have babies, toddlers which have developed and grown up during the 4 years we've been ttc. I have no idea where we go from here. We have discussed adoption which may be an option in the future.  I just want you to know you're not alone and I'm sorry you are going through this too. 

Best wishes 

Lucy


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## katehe

Xx


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## empty dreams

Hey Kathe ☺
Im the same, I'm 33 and drowning in a pool of pregnant people everywhere😢😢it's really gracious you can be happy for your friend's I can't even do that anymore . Pregnancy and babies have become horrendous for me, I avoid it all as much as I can really. 
Maybe and hopefully it will get easier ☺☺
Best wishes
Maria ☺☺☺


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## katehe

Hi ED
Not sure I have been very gracious-actually lost my best mate a couple of yrs back after failed icsi. Managed to maintain my other friendships but strained at times when I have to make the effort to travel to them most of the time.
I'm 33 too and had a bit of change of role at work so I know questions about family will come up soon


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## empty dreams

Its crazy difficult to maintain friendships during this, I feel there's an elephant in the room constantly😢 I get on great in work the days I'm on with just guys as there is never baby talk with them, all they worry about is what's for lunch !
Iv always met any challenge life threw at me but maintaining friendships through this is impossible once babies start appearing 😢 I hope your new venture in work doesn't add any further stress to your situation, 
Best wishes
Maria ☺


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## sophiekh

Hi can i join u pls. I'm 32 and have been through ivf etc and am now on my own.

I have found that being at my age and without children extremely hard. My friends and family. ..even those years younger than me are happily plodding along ..husband and at least one child.
Or they are the ones who don't want children yet and are enjoying the perks of relationships.

I have found maintaining relationships hard.  I feel left out.
Trying to get over the 5 years of ttc. .still clutching at straws sometimes of thinking maybe there's a way.

I work in a huge office and it's been the year of pregnancies. ..and being sandwiched between 2 ladies who are due Nov & Dec. If I had done my last ivf and if it was successful. .I would been at the same journey as them. 

I want to go out meet out and meet new people  ..but I hate explaining why I'm childless. .like it was a choice right? ??


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## slimshady

You ladies are not alone 
I have PCOS and had 3 miscarriages in last 3 years. First one was natural and then 2IVFs. 2 were early mms and one was at 18 weeks.
After all these we realised (?) we have to move on. Cos we cannot bear to loose another one after going through all meds and stress! Me and my Dh don't have kids and our families don't know about our situation. We are from a Asian background and and infirtility is considered an utter shame and disgrace!!! 
But I'm glad I have such an understanding DH.
Apart from few of my friends no body knows about our situation and I don't even have anybody in the family to give me a shoulder to cry. 
I ws so stressed and was crying all time googling all the time looking for similar stories and meds and herbs. Then I quit work and started doing my masters just to take my mind away from things. I think it helped as I am very busy now to think and cry and to go crazy. 
And also I deleted my ******** account as I see my friends pregnent I feed bad about myself. 
All I can say to myself is some birds just can't fly and I will admit it slowly
But at the same time miracals can happen too
Who knows 
Hugs to everybody xxxxx


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## Bluebell261

slimshady said:


> You ladies are not alone
> I have PCOS and had 3 miscarriages in last 3 years. First one was natural and then 2IVFs. 2 were early mms and one was at 18 weeks.
> After all these we realised (?) we have to move on. Cos we cannot bear to loose another one after going through all meds and stress! Me and my Dh don't have kids and our families don't know about our situation. We are from a Asian background and and infirtility is considered an utter shame and disgrace!!!
> But I'm glad I have such an understanding DH.
> Apart from few of my friends no body knows about our situation and I don't even have anybody in the family to give me a shoulder to cry.
> I ws so stressed and was crying all time googling all the time looking for similar stories and meds and herbs. Then I quit work and started doing my masters just to take my mind away from things. I think it helped as I am very busy now to think and cry and to go crazy.
> And also I deleted my ******** account as I see my friends pregnent I feed bad about myself.
> All I can say to myself is some birds just can't fly and I will admit it slowly
> But at the same time miracals can happen too
> Who knows
> Hugs to everybody xxxxx


Hi,

I just wanted to,post as I can see you didn't get any responses to your message.

It sounds as though you have made positive changes to take your mind away from your fertility issues, with your degree etc.

I'm someone else in your positions, 30 years old, 2 ICSI a treatments behind us, one resulting in BFP and m/c and the last resulting in BFN.

I don't have many friends, my oldest friend and only one left from school had her first baby in May and has just announced she is pregnant with her second due this summer. A friend at work had apher first baby before Christmas.

It's so tough, especially when everyone around you seems to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat.

I hope everyone is able to find a way to be happy in their life, whether that's through further treatment, adoption, or living a life without children.


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## Tulip83

Yep, I'm 31 and very close to jumping off the ship. I am starting to think that in the end its less painful to give up hope then to continue to go through the eternal monthly grieving process and depression. Sending you hugs xx


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## slimshady

Logged on here after years. Wanted to read my posts. Thank you very much for replying and being nice to me.
XxxxxxxX


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## HappyHuman

Thanks for the honest posts on here, and for reviving the thread slimshady despite it being old.

When I started out on the ttc journey I felt so frightened of the idea of getting to the end and having to decide to stop and give up. I'm not quite at that point yet, but nearly 4 years down the line, I think my mind set has changed a lot. That decision doesn't seem quite as daunting or impossible.  A few things that have helped me:

Over time, being around pregnant friends and their kids has definitely got easier. I wish I'd known this at the beginning, because it was so so painful then.  Basically I stopped seeing it as "them and me." I had this idea that having a baby would bring perfect happiness, but observing my friends made me realise - they actually weren't necessarily happier than me.  Many were going through tough times in a different way, they just had different worries. By sharing our trials and tribulations on both sides, we do what friends are meant to do - share life's troubles and support each other. That's how people bond.  For a while I was really closed and secretive about everything, and friends probably shielded me and felt they couldn't moan about kid-stuff.  But I realised I couldn't fully immerse myself in my friendships without there being honesty all round.  It was actually helpful to hear other people's woes for once!  And, it's OK to be different to what "most" other people are doing with their lives. Life has taken you down this path but you can still make it a damn good life.

I stopped thinking that everyone would see me as a tragedy to pity (hated that idea).. and started feeling proud of my strength and coping skills.  I learned to really make the most of the bonuses of being child-free..  meals out, flexibility, more time for me and partner, more sleep ! Why the hell not??

I try to embrace the idea that I can be happy today, with what I've got right now, and my happiness is not dependent on having a baby. That's not a good reason to have a baby.  It might never happen, and that will always be a sadness. But both outcomes have positives and negatives - I just have to be brave and face up to those, accepting the negatives and maxing out the positives.

Hope this might help anyone out there grappling with the issues. Thanks for listening to my ramblings!


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## DP2004

Hi guys I hope you don't Mc me joining - am 35 and me and my OH finding it really hard to make a decision after failed ivf x 2- it's taken its toll and we just don't have the money for more treatment. We can do it but it means a lot if debt. We are looking into adoption and are excited about that but just not sure we have wholly given up on having our own baby. How do you ever know?! 


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