# General ramble... not sure what I want to do



## Mrs-GG (Feb 9, 2005)

Hi  

My dh is very keen to try again for another baby early next year. Im no sure  I a) want another one so soon and b) want another one at all    Do you mind if I ramble on a bit to try and sort it out in my head?

My pregnancy was tough from the start with bleeding from the 2ww until the 12w scan, then I was in and out of hospital with high blood pressure, couldnt fit into any shoes!, got strep B and eventually had an emergency c-section. Alec was very sick at birth with a rare illness, was in ITU for 3 weeks and when we got him home we had to give him meds x5 a day until he was 4 months, do regular heel pricks to test his blood sugar and have a strict feeding schedule with minimal amount of milk to get into him. Pretty stressful. He was hypoglycaemic at birth and they struggled for 10 hours to bring his blood sugar up to any recognisable level, this resulted in some brain damage, apparently to his cognitive processes. We wont know the extent until he is older and we see what he can and cant do. So all in all my pregnancy experience was pretty crapppy    I dont htink I am quite 'over' what happened at the birth yet. I find myself dwelling on it with what ifs and if only they... we recieved a letter from a Dr last week, 5 months on, that summarised the birth and I burst into tears and got emotional when I had todescribe the birth to another Dr recently. I think I really need toget a grip of myself !!

Things Im worried about are

Having another baby means that I wont have so much time to focus on Alec's development and help him reach hisfull potential.
But on the other hand, having a brother or sister could help Alec develop

What if the same thing happens at birth with the 2nd baby? They arent sure if the illness was genetic or caused by trauma at birth. We have been told that any other babies we have will have to go straight to ITU whatever happens.

I found the first few months with Alec very hard and admit to feeling like I hadnt bonded with him. I feel quite ashamed to say it. What if this happens again?

We want to move away from London but need to be here for the ITU unit for any new baby as it issuch a rare illness and for the IVF clinic I guess. So there is a time pressure in getting pregnant as quickly as possible so we can move on with our new life.

We have a 2 bed house that is full to the gunnels already and cant afford to move in London. Where do we put the new baby?

I wasnt a skinny girl and put on so much weight while pregnant. I have a huge amount to lose before we should try again and the thought is a bit depressing  

Then there is the money issue and low odds of even getting another bfp before I start worrying about everything else. 

Also, I have such admiration for women with more than one child, how do you do it? I am cream crackered.

All this said, I am loving spending time with Alec now. He is adorable. We are so very lucky to have him here in many ways.

Sorry for the ramble, i dont usually do posts like this. Seeing it all written down was meant to help me sort it out... not sure if it has!    Any thoughts from you all to help me with a light bulb moment would be lovely.

Helen


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## SWEETCHEEKS (Sep 15, 2005)

Hi Helen...  ... Alec is beautiful!!!!!  

were do i start!!! 

Im soooooooooooooooo broody ... dh wasent until a couple of days ago, now hes saying he would like another and if it happened it happens... which makes me more broody knowing he wants too go for it again!!  

I would love another baby, infact i would kill for one.. But thats my heart telling me that .. and my head well :

1) - how would i cope with two ??
2) - Sounds selfish but its took me 12 months too get down too my normal size im actually 17lb pounds lighter than i was when i got pregnant!! so im doing well  
3) - 2x child care costs
4) House is not big enough and like you we wouldnt be able too afford too move just yet 
5) all the pain of ttc - when we have a lovely baby too love & cherish - why waste time ttc when we already have one too care and love.. it would be (in my eyes) taking the time away from him, which indeed could be wasted ttc number 2 !!

theres so many no no's on this one... but like dh says it it happens it happens and we would deal with it, but we are not prepared just yet too go ahead and try too make it happen with iui/ivf/icsi....

i suppose its one you have too look deeply into .. and personally i think its just our hormones, mother and fatherly instints and the fact we have such a beautiful baby, we just want that chance again - which could quite frankly go on forever  !!!!!! 

sorry if thats no help, im just telling you that i basically feel the same, and theres no answers ..  

I want too make the most of Drew for now , after  all we strithed too get him - now hes here... im sooo happy and i just want him for now, hes amazing .. 

Sweetcheeks xxx


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## CK78 (Mar 27, 2004)

Helen

It sounds like you had a really rough time and my first thought is if it was me i think it would be way too early to be thinking about doing it all again.  Please don't be offended by this but have you been able to discuss the trauma you went through at the birth and all the concerns you have for Alec as he develops with a counsellor - i think the awful time you had could quite easily put anyone off having another baby let alone all the heartache you had leading up to it and what we all have to go through if we want to have a bigger family.  

I hope writing it down has released it a bit but really i just think maybe you should not put any pressure on yourself and enjoy your son while he is young and reassess expanding your family when you feel ready.

No disrespect for your DH but he will not have to actually go through much to try again and if successful carry a baby for 9 months.  Have you talked to him about your concerns?

Enjoy Alec - he is a cutie!

CK78


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## petdowe (Mar 17, 2006)

Aww bless you Helen here's sending you a   take care thinking of you nicky xxx


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## spjulac (Oct 2, 2007)

I have only just read you post but can identify with many of the things you say. One baby is exhausting let alone 2......I would like another but wonder whether we should be spending ££££ on another potential BFP when we should be focusing our energy and resources on the baby we have. I gained a huge amount of weight when pregnant and have taken 18 months to loose it. I hated being overweight, it really knocked my self esteem (and its easier to get a BFP with a normal BMI!). After starving for months I finally feel normal, sexy and so hungry 
My DH doesn't want another, it is me that feels broody.

About your post.........
Given your awful pregnancy and birth experience I'd wonder if you aren't depressed- have you seen your GP/health visitor? If your not thats great, if you are do speak to someone it can and will get better. Bonding is very hard when babies have been ill in NICU, you won't be the first mum to feel this way, if its worrying you speak to your GP. I suspect the fact that you feel this way means you have bonded, but that it will take a while to realise it.  

Has Alec's GP or Paediatrician suggested seeing a Clinical Geneticist? They might be able to tell you whether Alec's condition was genetic or birth related, they know much more about these things than Paediatricians. If it is genetic then you might have a chance to know whether any future baby would be affected.

If you had another baby then you should be booked to a hospital with neonatal intensive care (ie not a home birth!), but most large hospitals have a NICU, its not unique to London, so don't let that put you off moving. Someone has told me there is life outside London, not sure I believe them though   (no offense if you are one of the 55 million who don't live here).


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## Maarias (May 4, 2005)

Helen,
I just read your post and wanted firstly to send you a hug  

I had a pretty traumatic pregnancy as well (bleeding early on and then placental abruption at 33 wks). My son arrived seven weeks early by emergency c-section and was in NNU for 3 wks. He's fine now and we feel really blessed to have such a perfect little baby. (like you I had/have strep b).

Like youra my dh has been very broody for ages, and like you I was and in part still am terrified of how another pregnancy would pan out for me, especially as I'm two years older now.

I've only now got to the stage where I feel ready to even think about it (my lo is 21 mnths). 

Up to now and in a way I still feel this way, I've felt so blessed and lucky to have even one child, and in a way it seems to selfish and greedy to want more.

I've spoken to my clinic about my worries about having another prem birth, and feel relatively comfortable about the fact that it won't necessarily happen again. Each pregnancy and each child is different.

I do understand your worries about moving out of an area with good neo-nat care, but like has already been mentioned, depending on where you're moving to, there is no reason why you shouldn't still be able to have this. I think one of the nhs websites lists the hospitals with neo-nat units and their grading.

Ultimately, you will know when and if you are ready for tx again, and your dh will have to respect that, as it's you who will have to go through the physical trauma of the whole experience.

Take care hun,
Mariax


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## sarahc (Mar 26, 2003)

Helen

firstly bg hugs to you

I had a horrible pg with amy i was constantly ill with viral infections and urine infections, I had her 4 weeks early and at 7 months she was diagnosed epileptic - some days having 3 seizures!

21 months later i did feel ready and we now have hannah, my pg was text book my labour fantastic and although she has had  3 febrile convulsions shows no sign of epilepsy.

It really is a personal choice but every baby/pg is different and you do just cope! having two is had work some days but you just learn your own coping strategies and i don't know how but both girls really do get lots of time with me. Hannah has the pre school days that amy does and amy has all day fri twice a month when hannah goes to nursery and we do things the three of us every week in that - and I work!!! you really do find time.

whatever you decide good luck
love sarah x x x


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## slinkyfish (Jan 17, 2007)

Hi Helen,

Your little boy is a sweetie!

No one can answer this difficult question for you. Not only have you been through the stress of fertility treatment, but you have also had a very traumatic start to Motherhood! 

I can only imagine what it's been like for you and it sounds as if you have to come to terms with it all before you can move on. Have you had any counselling? Having worked in PITU, I've seen the stress parents go through and it really is traumatic. It's well documented that it puts a huge stress on your relationship and it takes much longer to bond with babies who have needed special care. It's easy to say but try not to feel guilty about it. Many women including myself, have found it hard to bond and I haven't been through a quarter of the things you have. My problem was post natal depression. I was so desperate to have a baby and when the ICSI worked first time I was overjoyed. However after the birth, things became really difficult and I thought I'd made a huge mistake. I just couldn't cope. In the end my Health Visitor noticed what was happening and I ended up on antidepressants for a year. It took me a good 6 months plus to bond with my daughter and get back on track with my long suffering Husband. It took a number of years before I could face going through a FET, which didn't work and now 5+ years on I am pregnant with twins. We are obviously delighted, but have had the added stress of 2 bleeds, which have been very distressing. It really isn't easy and I think you have to be mentally and physically ready to put yourself through it all again.

Try and get some help via your GP, Health Visitor or contact the PITU your son was at, as often they offer support and counselling services for parents who have been through this distressing experience.

Good luck what ever you decide. x


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## Mrs-GG (Feb 9, 2005)

Hello
Thank you everyone for replying with such lovely messages.
I had one of those light bulb moments when a few of you mentioned counselling. It really never crossed my mind before but then after a bit of a melt down before Christmas when there was a piece on the news about 'natural c-sections' (did you see it?) at the hosp where I had Alec, the women had a lovley birth with the top doc in attendance etc etc it all came out in a rahter undignified fashion!.
I think I have narrowed it down to the main things that are bothering me, which are wanting someone to be held accountable for what happened to Alec and needing reassurance that I am doing the right things to stimulate the area of his brain that was damaged... so nothing major!!

aah, I was going to write some personals to say thanks but I can hear Alec stirring after his nap so I will pop back when I can.

Thank you again everyone
 Helen


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## *Bev* (Dec 20, 2005)

Hi Helen

I've read your original message several times and gone to reply over and over and keep getting distracted.  I'll focus on one aspect and thats the birth of your precious boy.  I too had a crappy pregnancy and ended up with pre-eclampsia, strep b then lost 27 hours after my son was born, my first memory after having Alex was walking around a dark ward obviously in the middle of the night having no clue what was going on or where I was, I was seriously tramautised by Alex's arrival and my pregnancy in general... I spoke to my HV about it and she referred me to a birth afterthoughts counsellor, it was the best thing I did, I never would have dragged myself out of where I was without her... she had some many answers to questions I didn't even know I had.  I talked non stop for hours with her and it gave me the closure I needed!  She answered questions about the pregnancy and birth as well as what if I wanted to do it again.... etc.... please speak to you HV and ask if you have a similar programme running in your area.  I honestly can't speak highly enough of the service.

I wish you luck with whatever decision you make.

Bev xx


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## DesertRose (May 5, 2006)

Hi Helen! Blimey! I could have written that post myself!!!  

My sentiments exactly............ only in my case I have a scary feeling I'm currently pregnant (test date is 10 Jan). It would be a natural conception if I am, and I'm currently [email protected] myself.  We had sex just after Christmas, and it's been such a long time since I've had to think about using contraception that it didn't even occur to me. Afterwards I looked at my diary and found out it was CD11, and since then I've been getting pregnancy symptoms (waking at 1am and not getting back to sleep, feeling sick during the day). I desperately don't want to be pregnant as I too had a rough pregnancy, but on the other hand I don't want Lara to be an only child either.  I feel she is so special to me that I want to dedicate 100% of my time to her without being ill through pregnancy or in and out of hospital.

Anyway, I'm not going to repeat everything that you've just said, but we're both having the same feelings!   

I feel such an ungrateful cow for even thinking these things, given what everyone else on here has been through.
I'll be in touch after I've tested to let you know what's happened,
Best of luck,
Desert


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## CM01 (Jan 4, 2006)

Helen 

It's all been said, I think, but I'll chuck in my two-pennorth for what it's worth...

Firstly, I think if we all waited till the time was right financially and practically, none of us would ttc at all!  The sums never add up, but some how you will manage if you fall pregnant again  

Secondly, I think you need to separate some of the issues you raise, and deal with them one by one.  Alec is obviously your priority, and if you have concerns about his development, and your management of it, then address that with the relevant health professionals.  As for weight loss, decide how relevant/important that is to you as an individual issue (regardless of ttc) then tackle it as you choose.  

The most important issue in my opinion is to resolve your feelings about the pregnancy and the birth.  None of us has the same experience, but many of us can empathise with your emotions; I know I can myself.  DH and I would never have deliberately ttc'd again after having the boys, because the entire experience left us so traumatised.  I was still having nightmares a year on from the birth, and eventually took Bev's advice (thanks Bev  ) and went to the Birth Afterthoughts service offered by my hospital.  I had already had counselling which helped with some of the guilt I felt over the pregnancy and over Alex's death, but the hospital service was fantastic.  It gave me so many answers about the birth - bits I couldn't remember, bits I felt angry over, bits I had simply got mixed up in my head...  I would definitely recommend counselling of some sort, and ideally with a midwife who can take you through everything that happened during your pregnancy & birth.

Hmm, that was more like ten-pence than two-penneth - sorry  

Thinking of you honey  

xx Clare

p.s. Desert - blimey, you kept that little concern quiet!!  Keep us updated, won't you  Fingers crossed things work out for the best for you


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## Mrs-GG (Feb 9, 2005)

Thanks girls, Ive never heard of the Birth Afterthoughts service. It sounds like such a good idea. I had Alec at one of London's key maternity hospitals so surely they must have the service?? I shall investigate!


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## DesertRose (May 5, 2006)

*Clare* - I've been quietly mulling it over for about a week. Feel wracked with guilt, but desperately hope I'm not pg......... but do I really?  Looks like there are a lot of mixed up ladies on here.

I'm not sure about the Birth afterthoughts service though, as my birth was fine(ish). But my biggest dread is the pregnancy and coping with Lara whilst I'm pregnant, and then having 2 children under two!

*Helen* - judging by my own mixed feelings at present my only advice would be to try and plan a potential pregnancy. given our FT problems DH and I agreed that it would be unlikely that I would get pregnant, so we should just leave it to chance and not use contraception and see what happens. I see now that for me that was a silly decision as it leaves me anxious and worried for half of the month. If you are not sure I would advise using a contraceptive until you have made a decision and then go for it! (Did that make sense?)


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## angel1888 (Oct 19, 2004)

I'm sorry you had such a rotten time.  I too had a hellish birth, but fortunately with a good outcome at the end of the day.

I think you are being very hard on yourself and maybe all you need is time.  Your DS is only 7 months and for many people that is just too soon to think about another baby.  There is no way I could have contemplated it when Sam was 7 months.

I think talking about the birth will help, but apart from that, put it out of your mind, enjoy your DS and see how you feel in 6 months - 1 years time.  I think you will find that things fall into place.

A xx


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