# Family member having children



## Shirley1975 (Jul 7, 2009)

Morning
I have not visited this site in some time, but this morning i just didn't know where else to turn. Its been a year since we finally accepted medically that we can not have children.
Now i am hit with my Brother-in-law rushing a wedding so he and his partner can have children, also a week later i find out my sister is getting married to start a family.
Today i have hit a low trying not to burst into tears at my desk at work. How will i cope with two sides of our family having babies within close time scales. every family gathering will have children which ever side i go.
My dream was getting married and having babies, I came off the pill on our wedding day. 5 years on we stopped trying after me going through over 5 lots of major surgery and 3 attempts at ICSI, and stopped because the consultant said he could do no more, as once just not responding to high doses of medication. My tubes are now removed so can't even dream about a miracle.
I am really trying to focus on the things i can do with my life, but babies on both sides of the family, where can i go to cry and get away from it all.
thank you for been there and listening.
shirley


----------



## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

I have no words of wisdom but just want to send you  .
About 2 weeks after we lost our only baby I found out my 16 year old nephew and his 15 year old girlfriend were expecting.  I can cope with  the 4 year olds and above but this baby still cuts me to the quick every time I see him (which is at all family events on that side).  As it was nearly 2 years ago everyone assumes I am 'over it'.  We will never be 'over it' will we?  

Maybe skiing at Christmas is a good idea while the feelings are raw, and you can worry about the future later on.  Maybe a bratty, whinging 7 year old won't have the same effect


----------



## Mouette (May 9, 2009)

Oh Shirley... I'm so sorry honey. I think we can all relate... my younger brother is now in a serious relationship and although he claims he doesn't want kids, I'm sure the day will come when his girlfriend will make the announcement (she does the "when we have kids..." thing so casually... I remember when I was saying that without thinking it'd ever become the problem and the heartache it has - but I disgress). Anyway, I know that realistically I can't expect people to stop having kids out of sympathy. And I found that actually, it's not that bad, because they're the children of your loved ones, and you can't help loving them too. I'm a godmother to my cousin's young daughter, and I love seing her and reading her bedtime stories. 

What I'd say though is to avoid family gatherings if you don't feel like it. Personally I can cope with small committees, but when it's a large group and everybody starts cooing over a newborn and trade birth stories, leaving you excluded from the conversation and choking back the tears... yes, that's where I draw the line. There's no rule that says you have to ignore your pain and get over it. You have every right to be upset. Infertility is a bit of a taboo subject and people can be very insensitive about it. Well, how about things change and we get a little sympathy and understanding? I've decided I had to protect myself too, and that if people couldn't understand that, then tough. So if I feel uneasy about a gathering, or about certain people who I know will be insensitive, I simply don't go, and I don't feel the least guilty about it. 

I hope you hang in there. I know it's so, so very hard. I try to remind myself of the good things I do have - a loving mother, a wonderful husband, good friends and family.... Some people don't even have that. I know that sometimes it doesn't feel enough, but my DH gives me so much support when others would have freaked out and left, I have to be grateful for that, and never ever take him for granted.


----------



## natty84 (Nov 26, 2011)

hi hun, i have just joined this site for similiar reasons to yourself. We were trying for years. My friend was about to give birth and i was her birthing partner (she went into labour the same day we found out my husband was infertile). Our niece was born a month later and I just wasnt ready to face it. Instead of support from the family we got grief instead. We were labelled as 'selfish' and 'uncaring' even though they knew what we were going through. Then 2 of my friends had babies and i found it harder and harder to be happy for them. I ended up hating myself for the feelings of jealousy and resentment. I now realise these feelings are normal. We have just had the news that my sister in law is pregnant and we have to deal with it all over again. This was sent by text as well (how compassionate) Everything is about the baby with my inlaws and it breaks my DH heart cos he cant give them a grandchild. Its all over ******** and though we are happy for them, we still feel it is rubbed in our face. Once the baby arrives we are expected to coo along with the rest of them. They seem to forget how hard it is and not once have they come over to see us to find out if we are ok. If you ever need to talk or just someone to have a rant with, send me a message. sending 

natalie x


----------

