# How do you deal with it?



## mandyb (Jun 27, 2005)

Hi Everyone

I need some advice, can you help?

I feel that this is a bit of a moan but I do think that most of you will understand.  I turned 30 in March and decided that this was going to be a year of stepping back and relaxing for a while.  My husband and I have been TTC since 2004 and we have been diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.  We had are 3rd FET in December last year and the final straw came with the bad news of another go not working on Christmas Eve so as you can imagine not the Christmas I was hoping for.  Most days I stay positive but there are times now when I struggle to get out of bed if I'm not working.  This has become worse since my sister who is 23 got married in July and on first attempt is now 3 months pregnant.  My sister is a very young 23 and not always the most tactful person and life to her is a game.  With such an age gap between us I sometimes feel that she feels bitter about not being the 1st one to leave home, get married etc and therefore feels that she likes to do one better if she can.  I have a Golden Retriever who is 4 and to me he is my baby, following suit though my sister felt that she should also have a golden retriever and went ahead and proceeded to buy 1 and then another within a year of each other although knowing she was struggling to cope with one and that she was trying for a baby.  Her second dog is now 18 months old and is a very bosterous puppy, who with some training would be a lovely dog.  But when this was mentioned to her she automatically goes on the defensive.  Her announcement of her pregnancy came a few days after she decided that because I had made the comments regarding her dog and I was therefore interfering in her life and removed from her friends on ********.  She then contacted me to say she had some news, her words were "Don't be upset it will be your day one day and least you get to be an Aunty!"

This has hit me far worse than any of my close friends having children and I find my self shutting my self away more in hope that I grow a thicker skin and become less sensitive.  In the last 3 months 3 of my friends have had newborns and only 1 of them I have seen the others I have sent gifts but find it too hard to go and visit and that makes me feel awful too because I cannot muster the energy.  I have another friend due in June and my sister now in November and really need some motivation to get through this, Does it pass? or  get easier because I find it so hard to deal with and the people I hurt are my Mum and my husband because they are closest to me and they both know if it was in anyway possible I would move away to conceal my wounds.  But I know this is not the answer, I am normally a very strong person and only my very closest friends know of my infertility so I don't give much away very often but right now I feel I've lost my direction and I don't know which way to turn for this to become easier and so I can dust my self off and start forging a new life looking forward with my husband.

I hope you don't mind me moaning on but I need to release this someone and I know you will all understand.

Thanking you for reading my post.

Love and hugs


Mandy xx


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## Tinx (Sep 2, 2005)

Oh sweetheart, 

I TOTALLY feel for you, your feelings are soooo normal and we all go there at some point. I am afriad that i am the same as you, I tend to shut myself off and have lost various friends due to their pgs over the years as I just cant cope with it all. I even used to cross the road if a pg woman was coming my way! I am not so bad now but i still find it toug. Having a sister like your is also a real test of your patience and I am sorry that its like that for you. 

All you can do is acknowledge and accept your feelings, and try to coe with them on a daily basis. Things will beocme easier but its a long old journey. You need to be kind to yourslef and not feel guilty for your feelings. Nobody understands our pain unless they are going through it themselves.

Take care and enjoy your dh and look to your future, be positive and hopeful and you will be ok honey.

Take care, love Tinx xx


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## pippilongstockings (Dec 8, 2005)

Oh Mandy, you poor thing.  You sound really down    Infertility is so hard isn't it?  It sometimes feels like EVERYONE is pregnant or has a baby and it's so hard to keep up the pretence that everything is ok and you're fine  

Do you have any plans for more tx?  That's the only thing that keeps me going, knowing that we WILL get that BFP soon.

Take care of yourself sweetie xx


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## ckhayes (Nov 7, 2006)

Mandy - I have just read your post to my DP, It almost mirrors my sister and me, she is older and always felt she should do things first, I settled down and bought a house first, she said to my mum "ts not right Claire settling down before me" and within 4 months she had met someone, got engaged, bought a house and was planning her wedding   I split with my partner after 3 years (good terms) her marriage lasted 4 years and she by this point lived in NZ, We both met new partners and due to unexplained fertility and lots of tests we started IVF, my mum (though I'm sure I  asked her not to) told her and a few months later during my 2ww she announced she was pregnant and that I was going to be an Auntie, (turns out her DP didn't want kids yet and she came off the pill without telling him), and asked how the treatment was going, I got a BFN, but got a BFN 2 months later with FET.  Sometimes I feel I'm acting like her as I found out I was naturally pregnant (shock as thought impossible) and I swore everyone I told to secret, but I should have told her, but I knew that she would get pregnant immediately and I was worried as I suffered from early losses that she would be pregnant and Id loose mine, which I did at 5wks, but she found out as I was in hospital for a week (********) and was quite upset I hadn't rung her, it would have been an ideal opportunity to tell her what my problem with her was.  But the thing is if I would have told her would she be pregnant now!!  I feel Ive come down to her level    I love her dearly and would do anything for her, she can be an amazing sister, her friend said to me she is quite dizzy and doesn't realise what she is saying sometimes  

I really hope you you and your DH dreams come true     

Clare xxx


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## mandyb (Jun 27, 2005)

Hi Everyone

Thank you for your lovely messages - I think I ended up on the wrong board here because I haven't had my first miracle yet!!  But I still  always have hope!!
I am not planning on any more tx for the near future as I have been so focus on this that I nearly ruined my marriage so I am doing my best to focus on this at the moment.  I have a husband I love dearly and I am so grateful to him for his support so we want to take some time out for each other.  But I know how the focus of the treatment helps so much.

I also feel that this would be the wrong time to start again with my sister being the way she is she would probably feel I was taking away the lime light and I don't want to do that to her.

Looking at your signatures give me more hope because you all have got what you dreamed of.  I hope I will be that lucky someday.
Today's been a busy one but my great friend at work who also suffers from infertility has started a treatment of clomid so I have her to focus on and support.  And i've mustered up some energy to go out with the girls tomorrow night.  And I know I must some how call back my mate who I haven't seen for a while because I know I don't want to lose her although I know she understands, sometimes!

Thank you for listening to me moan, its so nice to have you understand on a subject I wish you didn't because I know you have had to go through what I am.

Love 

Mand xx


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