# will I ever like my son?



## Bearfriend

Hi,

we are six months into placement, our little boy came to live with us aged 4 and a half.  We had a few weeks honey moon period and then we started to see lots of behaviours that would indicate attachment issues.  I read several Daniel Hughes and Caroline Archer books and have been trying to parent along these lines, however I am becoming increasingly worn down and tired and in the last two weeks feel like a switch has flipped in me and I feel utterly cold towards my son.  I feel terrible for feeling this way and am trying to fake it as much as I can, just writing that sentence has made me fill with tears.  I know that if I continue to feel like this that I will damage him further and just feel at a total loss of what to do.  Has anybody else felt like this about their child and has it got better?

I have found nowhere that I can feel supported with this as family and friends only want the fairy tale happy ending and this is just taboo big time.  My husband is not being supportive and seems to blame me even more.  when he struggles with our son (and he has periods where he feels that he is 'horrible', I listen and empathise but when it is me it just seems that I am a mean mummy.)  Maybe I am a bad mummy and our son would be better off without me...I don't know if I have the patience and tenacity to carry on.  I feel such a confusion of feelings and have no one to share it with without judgement.

We had a LAC review 8 weeks ago when it was identified that our son has additional needs and therapy was suggested but we are still waiting.  My social worker is brilliant and is aware of the issues, I do find her really supportive but realistically she has a busy caseload and I could speak to her everyday if she was available!!  My husband wants to crack on with the adoption order but my social worker is really concerned about this and her advice is to wait; she raised some really good points to me that I hadn't considered, when I went home and shared them with DH he felt that she had been really unhelptful, he wants to crack on because he wants social workers out of our life but that's not a good reason to move ahead with applying for an adoption order in my view.  My son's social worker is nice but generally bewildered by my son's behaviour so I don't find her helpful at all.  I think the LA minimised a lot of his behaviours and I think my DH is trying to do the same now.

My son has huge control issues, he can be very rejecting for periods of time, generally he will pick a parent and push that one away and then flip to the other one, often it is mummy that he rejects which is no supprise really but it is hard to be that parent.  Cuddles tend to end in some sort of hurt e.g. poking eyes, pinching, hair pulling, hitting, kicking, or going for the genitals.  I struggle with the 'sexualised' touching as it is often aimed at me and I feel like I am being assaulted most days tbh.  When it first started it was much easier to be patient and not react etc etc but now I find I just don't want to be physically close to him after it and in the last couple of weeks I haven't been able to make myself.  This touching was not disclosed by the LA prior to placement and they seem bewildered by it.  

My husband is now saying that he is not sure he wants to do therapy (if the LA organises it).  He hasn't read the books that I have read and I think believes that with time and love everything will work itself out, I don't believer this.  My son is now 5 yrs old and what I see is a very charming psychopath in the making, he has no attachment to anybody or anything, people are objects to him and totally interchangable, maybe I am being unfair to him here but that is how it seems.  

I don't know if I have the strength to be the parent that he needs.

thanks for reading,
a tired and sad mummy
X


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## Miny Moo

Oh Bearfriend, I could have wrote so much of this myself today, we are 3 1/2 years in with our now 9 year old and I have completely lost the plot with him this morning.
It's horrible when you don't feel supported, my hubby really doesn't get a lot of his behaviour and I find myself on tender hooks when he's around, that coupled with a child who does everything to make everyone's lives around him a complete misery, shows absolutely now attachment to us at all even after all this time is bloody hard work, I have periods where I honestly do not like him and want him out of my life so that I can feel normal again, but it does pass and I know that Even through those intensely dark periods, I could not imagine our lives with out him.
We did not get our AO for 18 months as we wanted to make sure that we had a therapy in place, difference here though was that hubby wanted that as much as me, find hubby can talk the talk but unable to put it into practice.
I hope things get better for you soon, 6 months really still is early days , I felt like we were playing at being a family at that stage, it took me a long time to feel real love for my son.


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## GERTIE179

Aww Bearfriend <huge hugs>

It is really difficult to stay calm and patient when dealing with difficult behaviours. They really can test us and after having a difficult few weeks with LO (who's you get than your son) its hard to remember the genuine love feelings we had a month ago. I was going to suggest Mini Moo as I know she's been through a similar experience.

I find watching LO while he sleeps especially after a bad day helps me remember my feelings for him and getting out every day is easier to deal with rather than being stuck in. My DH and I have different thoughts currently on dealing with Los broken sleep issues and dealing with his challenges differently. I'm not sure which if us is right - we've also delayed AO to check out medical worries. None of which stops us being committed to our LO and we wi put in for ao once we ensure support is right.
X


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## Handstitchedmum

Oh Bearfriend   I really feel for you. You have such an impressive, reflective stance on what your family is currently experiencing. I am not surprised that your husband thinks love is enough, when he is so used to *your love* which is clearly so thoughtful and patient and attuned. 

Personally I think you have a lot of courage to have gotten this far, witnessing and experiencing your sons rejection and sexualised behaviours. I would not be able to cope with even a tiny bit of the latter as it triggers such a rigid reaction of disgust in me. Any child with sexualised behaviours needs therapeutic input, to ensure they learn how to keep themselves and other people safe. That includes you! I hope your DH can see the importance of therapy from a safeguarding perspective. 

Having worked with 5-7 year olds for several years now, it is an age where many of them are figuring out how to be different and to manipulate (control) other people. Control is very much a theme of this stage of development. They are still babies with all of the innocence and ignorance that comes with it, but also becoming young adults through curiousity and emulation. Quite chaotic really!! Add trauma to the mix and you get a child who pays attention to an awful lot and has learned early on how to keep themselves "safe" aka charming and controlling others. 

You are right that this stage of development may be critical for your son's future and he needs therapy. But I get the sense from your post that you have a lot of fear and feel rejecting of your son, too. I wonder if having your own therapy would increase your resilience and help you navigate the system with more assertiveness?

Either way, please take care of yourself. You deserve to feel safe and loved and confident about what you have to offer. And I think you have a lot to value in yourself!


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## goddessdream

Hello Girls..

You are all doing a wonderful fantastic job adopting children. Much respect to each and all of you..
Bearfriend all I can say is stick with it, never give up on him like all the others in his life before you. It is a really good idea to watch him sleep and remember your purpose and hopefully love will trickle back into your heart. You are your little boys world and beyond, be his wall.

Whatever he throws at you stand tall and show him you are the unfaltering love source and he will grow to realise this. Remember too that the cuddles you have with him that end up in pinching or poking are probably what he is used to, show him you cuddle a different way, the touching the genitals are probably the horrible product of what he has endured, he deserves a real mummy like you to show him a different form of love and cuddle. 
He is detached from you for periods because all others around him detached from him, the poor wee soul. If he picks on you to push away its because he wants you to come back stronger to him, 6months is very very early and I am speaking from experience it will get worse before it gets better... you can do it. The hurt and lack of love you feel feed on it to make you more determined to succeed!
Be sure to bounce off social services for support services and organisations to help you, maybe the nspcc or Bernardo's wud have advice lines.

Get some together time with you and your husband to relax, organise a date night together. You can give your son a new and stable life, no one said it was going to be easy and don't we all know that!

Keep going bearfriend you are an inspiration... 


Most of all remember you are a strong woman and you can turn this little mans life around


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## snapdragon

Your sw is right, you need support in place before you apply for the adoption order. Have you thought of posting on the main adoption uk forum. I've seen very similar posts on there and i'm sure you would get some great advice. There was a post recently  by someone who was having terrible difficulties with their lo and came close to disrupting but things have improved hugely and they have just had their adoption order through. As you have done a lot of reading i'm sure you know some children are very damaged by their early experiences and love alone wont be enough. I'm really sorry its so tough for you at the moment and I hope you get the support you need and deserve.


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## jdm4tth3ws

hi bearfriend,

im sorry i dont know if i should be replying as ive never adopted children. however i just wanted to reassure you that these feelings are perfectly normal.  i am lucky enough to have had my own children and on days like today, i really dont like my children very much. sounds harsh i know. to me, being able to admit that sometimes (a lot of the times, maybe) you dont like your child is very brave and very honest. 

my wonderful 2 have been showing me how they can climb on the work surfaces, break washing tablets, paint the carpet - yes carpet, ignoring requests to stop or to help me or whatever. middle LO decided to get hold of the clippers and clip halfway down his head as well. he was so pleased with his effort  . i have tidied his hair up. i have tried so hard to be patient today, grrr - doesnt always work.  

it does get better. they are both asleep now and like the other lady says, watching them sleep does help.  they look so innocent and beautiful, even though i have a sneaking feeling they are plotting in their sleep  

above all, trust your instincts and if you feel your family needs extra counselling before signing any paperwork, then go for it. everything has to be right, its a decision that shouldnt be taken lightly.  it is going to affect all of your lives for the rest of your lives.

hang in there hun, youre doing a fabulous job  and i think personally if youre questioning your feelings there must be feelings there somewhere - if that makes sense  

youre a great mummy - keep up the good work!!!!! 
i wish you well

jade xxxx


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## Wyxie

Hi Bearfriend, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment.  Sadly, having a very difficult child can be really hard on relationships as well, and it's hard not to disagree about how to deal with things.

When my daughter was first placed we had about 5 months of awful problems surrounding attachment and behaviour.  We never really had any honeymoon period after she came home to us.  She rejected me completely a large amount of the time.  There were times when she physically attacked me upwards of 50 times a day.  As soon as one thing was resolved, I had to step in to stop her doing something else that was dangerous, at which point it all started again.  It was a constant cycle and no real way around it.  She used to scream for cuddles and kisses from her cot at night, but if I went to the cot she would hit/bite/head butt and laugh at me while she was doing it.  I can honestly say there were days when I hated myself and her for how she was making me feel about her.  I've always loved her, but some days it was very very hard to like her, even though I knew that she was just a very confused and scared baby.  It's hard to keep that in mind when locked in what feels like a never ending battle.  Wyxling was much younger at placement (19 months although very big and strong for her age) so while it was hard to manage her at times, it was much easier with a toddler I'm sure than an older child.  I tried to stay very calm with her and like you did a lot of reading about parenting therapeutically and tried to work out ways of managing her behaviour and need to control while we helped her to build attachment to us.  We had a real breakthrough around 5-6 months into placement and things suddenly got a lot better.  We also got a lot of support from adoption services, and are still involved with them now.  Wyxling is doing pretty well, although we have recently had a backwards slip after a sibling placement and I am finding that quite hard. 

Like others have said, I found watching her while she slept really helped me.  I used to go into her room and pick her out her bed and hold her while she slept, I'm not sure if you'd be able to do that with a 4 year old but if you can it might really help.  Really, it was more for me than her in a way, but I found spending time with her when she was just a sleeping baby helped me to keep in mind that she really was just a very little baby emotionally, when she was being difficult.  It also helped our relationship quite a lot, as she got used to waking up in my arms and would have a little snuggle before the fight kicked back in and we managed to build on that quite quickly.

I think you're absolutely right not to press on with the application for the adoption order without getting some proper support agreed for your son first.  Social Services' responsibilities to him are much higher while he's a looked after child.  Love alone will not fix problems like you're describing.  Attachment issues aren't fixed with love alone.

The only other quick thing I can think of that I found helpful, was something someone told me quite early on, which is that with behaviour that's rooted in attachment, there isn't a quick fix, and that I needed to accept that our daughter was going to have issues for a while, and make the most of the good time around that.  Sometimes I still struggle with this, because I am a fixer, that's what I do, work things out and then fix them.  I think that accepting my daughter as she was really helped me to enjoy the good time with her without worrying about what happened 10 minutes ago or what might be coming in the next 10 minutes, and that in turn helped me to build a relationship with her.

I hope you manage to find a solution, it's hard not to feel like you're doing something wrong sometimes.


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## gettina

Hugs and strength being sent your way bearfriend  
And Minny moo and gertie

No experience to share but wanted you to feel my support.
And to encourage you to stand firm on seeking and accepting any therapy and post adoption support of my kind that you can get. From what you write it seems like your ds probably needs therapy...to support/top up your loving-as-possible parenting, which might not be enough on its own.
Truly wishing you and dh the best.
Do keep checking in, in case just writing it down helps a tiny bit.
Gettina
Xxx


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## Bearfriend

Thank you everybody for your kind words of support, they did make me cry again yesterday but good tears!  Sometimes its heart breaking to feel lonely and isolated when you have  people all around you but they can't hear what you need to say, and it amazes me that strangers can care and take the time to offer support and personal experience, so hugs to all.  Thanks particularly to Wyxie for taking the time to respond when it sounds to me like you have enough on your plate with a second placement and little Wyxling to manage! I take my hat off to all the parents out there who are sticking in with their children with attachment issues, its probably the hardest thing that I am doing.  I can remember being asked at panel how would you feel if your child rejects you and I can remember coming out with some words that looking back were a load of rubbish, because how could I know what it would be like and how I might cope.  After a month of totally unremitting hell, I guess I am only human and shutting down is protection, of course this is exactly what bearcub had to do to survive his BM, it doesn't make it easier to bear tho but perhaps makes it easier to understand.  However at no point did I think 'oh I'll just close off my feelings for them and will feel like I don't care.'  The truth is I don't love him yet, I hope that someday I will.  

I have to dash as its hometime and bearcub needs picking up.  I just wanted to say thank you to everybody and I will post again soon when I have more time.


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## Keeping busy

Hi bearfriend, I haven't adopted but have worked with lots of children who have been neglected / abused and worked alongside a truly fantastic play therapist who did amazing work with children. I know your husband is against therapy if organised through social services but depending where you are in the country and the availability of play therapist and your finances perhaps it might be something to think about. Wishing you the very best and I hope it all works out for you xx


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## TillyF

How are you a few months on?


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