# Is there more to life than Children???



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi girls
Alot of us are at different stages with our IF journey and it certainly has its rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. Something that at the beginning of our journey we would never expected the emotions and turmoil that comes with it..
I am sure there are times that you have sat and thought about life with children and also reluctantly thought of life without.. As time goes by you realise that maybe having your own child may never happen and so you are left with facing life as Living Child Free. Or the case maybe that you will seek alternative routes because life without them is unbearable. 
Maybe moving on has brought out some positive strengths and new beginnings that maybe you wouldn't have been able to do without children. How do you reach that point where you think life is ok? also actually begin to enjoy life and start to get on with it and leave the dark days behind and move onto a new future?
Is it as scarey as we think moving forward and making the most of what we have got? What positive things/activities can we do that can enrich our lives...
Do we learn to share our lives with good fun people who are like minded and can enjoy life without talking about nappies and schools etc...
Are there benefits to have the freedom to do what we want in life?
Can we use our maternal feelings and use them in other areas of our lives?
Is this all possible or do we still feel that life cannot be without children and how do we go about dealing with those feelings? 
Anybody got any thoughts on these issues raised...
love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Astrid, hi ladies!

Ahhh... another thought provoking topic - I love it here!  Aren't you fab! 

I am at that point in my life now where I just want to be off the rollercoaster, having ridden it for so many years - I don't want to think about treatments or anything to do with me myself personally being a parent. I just need that breathing space - and time to reflect, and draw upon what I have learned through all of this, and how it has (hopefully) changed me and made me a more understanding and compassionate person.

I remember one birthday where I was so glum the whole evening and trying to put a brave face on it, it didn't fool my friends who asked me what was wrong. The truth was I never thought I would have gotten so far into my 30's and would still be childless. It seemed the end of the world to me then as I felt the old biological clock ticking away. Its a very difficult concept to try to explain to people! All I could think about the whole evening was that we shouldn't have been in a plush restaurant spending money we could have saved for more IVF instead, and wishing we could have been at home with our own little family. 

How do you reach that point where you think life is ok? I don't think you do - you just wake up one morning and realise that your heart hasn't been weighed down with sadness about it all, or you have a moment when you discover you haven't thought about your plight for about an hour... you can listen to someone regaling tales of their kids and it doesn't make you want to run to the nearest loo and have a good cry, and so on.

There are so many different hurts that encompass IF - its just being able to take some time out for yourself, to go with your own flow and to be extra-specially gentle to yourself and let the emotions come. And I think its about distancing yourself from those who are not good for your spirit, if at all possible. I know I kept my distance from those sorts of people when I was going through hard times with IF and when I was having treatment. (Hormones - whether IVF induced or not - a force to be reckoned with)! Our lives can be enriching in many ways without kids, but I understand that it can take time to get to that place. I've been on this journey quite a while now, so I realise I am more than ready to accept my lot. But if you had asked me this a few years ago you would have had a totally different answer!

There's my jumble of thoughts on the subject this evening! Thanks for giving me the space to be able to share them with you!

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi ladies

Interesting topic Astrid and a fascinating, balanced reply from you Emcee that is surprisingly close to my own experience and reflection on the subject.

In my own experience I don’t think you do just wake up and bounce out of bed one day “cured” never to look back.  I wish it was that easy but I know it’s a slow and gradual process but I think it’s a process that you have to work with, encourage and nurture.

Very, very slowly I’ve gone from our childlessness being the only thing I could think about, it was an ever present dark cloud that seemed to settle over me, through to forgetting to be upset by it, through to actually starting to enjoy the plus points.

I’ll be honest, I hated IF treatment, I hated being a patient first and a person second, I hated the uncontrollable hormonal storm that went with sniffing, I hated the waste of money, I hated the looks of pity from the nurses when yet another cycle failed, but above all I hated what it did to my outlook on life and the way it made me feel about myself.

Apart of my journey has been painful, a part of it funny; I actually went through my last ET without even bothering to take my coat off!  

Slowly but surely I’m getting there, despite myself sometimes.

It’s a very personal journey for everyone so I wish us all luck!

flipper


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

I realise I should have added that yes, I do, think there is much more to life!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Flipper and Emcee
Thanks for your input, you are great girls......
This takes some time for the penny to drop and realise that there is more to life than children. I don't think that it feels the void that is in your life but i have gradually learned to live with it. It doesn't hurt so much and i can think of many positive things in my life now that doesn't include children.
Sometimes i wonder if i am running away from the family/children bit but i have stopped to think over the last days maybe i haven't got anything in common anymore. Its like sitting with a load of Golfers and knowing that there is nothing in common, so why do i want to sit with a bunch of mothers?. I battled this out with my sister who seemed alittle surprised that this was my new outlook on life as if it was a sin that i didn't want to be surrounded by children and family talk...hey i am learning that i have given alot of energy and years to other people and their feelings when some of them have run away from mine when i needed them.  
The only thing i can say is i have never felt lonely and during the IF years my hubby and I had always put things in place and that has paid off.....so i am glad that i had that foresight to enjoy my life...
I understand the bad days better and i am sure there wll be tears but i can see that life is for living its how we move it forward

thanks girls....
From the person who is still learning the A-Z of infertility..... 

love astridxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

My dh is a golfer and it really is not fun talking to a bunch of them!!!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi irisheyes....
oooops.....ha ha....

love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies

My DH is a golfer too - I go all glassy eyed when him and his mates start talking about it, my head leans to one side and I start drooling with sheer boredom - you get the picture?  

What strikes me Astrid, is must we always be the ones to burn bridges, to take on board others feelings and put ourselves out when there is talk of parenthood all around us at times and we have nothing to contribute? I used to wonder if I would always have to tiptoe around people so my IF didn't upset their applecart, I was very careful what I said so I would not cause any uncomfortable silences, awkward questions or upset - now to be quite frank I don't give a flying fig!  

I am lucky enough to be in that place where I couldn't give two hoots what anyone thinks of me and my IF. Those who have questioned it have not seen the hidden heartache over many years, and I hold my hand up here and admit I still do sometimes have OUCH moments - but not half as many since I realised a lot of people in my life were contributing to those feelings.

We live and learn - and interestingly a study I read in a newspaper recently says that those without kids form stronger support networks than those with families!

Love to all
Emcee xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi - can I just step in and say I think it's fantastic that some of us are slowly beginning to take control and just explaining to people that they have nothing to contribute, so why should they drone on about babies/children ALL THE TIME?  As you say, who wants to talk about golf and knitting?!!

You have inspired me.  This is a great mindset.

LETS GET OUR VOICES HEARD FOR A CHANGE!!  GO GIRLS!!

Thank God for FF!!!

Love Gill
xxxoo


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## Vrivri (Feb 4, 2006)

Hello girls!

I definitely say yes to there is more to life than children. However, I could also ask you ' there is more to life than money'. Yes, but we all needed! You know what I mean  

I never had a maternal instinct and suddenly when I was about 33 as far as I can remember I started feeling broody, ummmm! I wouldn't mind to have a little thingy!   But my stork had probably the bird flu and never arrived.  

I never felt old before but suddenly as Emcee said I felt that my biological clock was ticking and very fast and I started to see younger people having children and other just enjoying their young days. The older ones having their families and enjoying them and I saw myself stuck in the tunnel of time and not moving forward. It is like waiting for somebody that will never arrived . 
I have these dreams over and over again about missing flights and trains and desperation to get to a place. I heard that the meaning is that we do not know which way to take in our life. So I guess it is my subconstious asking me for a direction to take in my life. 

Flipper I hated IVF too. It is horrible! I hated to have to do it even thought I had not problems. I hated to spend all the money in a month course that took me so long to earn and I hate the most to have spent that money and have nothing!  

I guess we are gaining heaven!  

Vrivri


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