# Collection for a colleague - sorry if this is a repeat



## moomintoo (May 27, 2012)

Hi ladies,

I am looking for some advice. I am a nice normal person who has joyfully celebrated all my friend's pregnancies, births, their kids' christenings and birthdays. There have only been a couple of people I have struggled over their pregnancies - people that I don't particularly care for. The latest of whom is a colleague of mine. His wife had a baby this week. Ordinarily I would contribute to the collection and sign the card. But because I really don't care for him (he is a particularly difficult individual to work with) I am feeling really bitter and do t want to put I for this collection. If I didn't directly work with him I wouldn't give it any thought, but my team is quite small and it will not go unnoticed. No one at work knows that we have been TTC for 5 years already had multiple failed IVF, have lots of health problems etc. I am kind of their boss. 
Maybe I should just put £5 in and forget about it, but it is really driving me crazy. I have had several months of folk talking about the baby coming, had the baby pics sent round (I dutifully congratulated him), and am steeling myself for all the crap when he comes back to work. Now I have to pay for his good fortune? I just don't want to. 

My question is: is there any universe where it is OK for me to duck out of this collection?

Also, I am so stuck in a sort of weird pre-grief/unable to grieve I just can't move forward in any direction - even though I have been advised to go back for further Ivf. I just can't seem to pull the trigger on it. 
Help please...!?!


----------



## Ms G (Aug 4, 2014)

Moomintoo, 

Isn't it horrible that we agonize over these decisions as well as everything else we have to deal with. No one can understand the extent that TTC affects you unless you have been through it.

Normally I'm a huge advocate of only doing what you want and never acting out of obligation. I've tried to put myself in your shoes and I think I would put the money in the collection. The only important person here is you. My reason for contributing would be to protect my other relationships.  You mention that you work in a small team and the others would notice. For that reason alone, I would keep things simple and then try to forget about it. 

There is no right or wrong answer. Do whatever will allow you to put this behind you. 

As far as moving forwards goes, I've struggled with that too. I'm due for our 4th embryo transfer tomorrow (3 fresh and 1 FET) and never even a sniff of a BFP.  I have found some cycles harder than others. I've been coping better this time because I'm not letting myself focus on it as much as before. That may sound strange and it's not like I forget my desire for children for a minute, but I've made a conscious effort to plan other things.  We had got to the point of not seeing our friends as much. We were living and breathing IVF  24/7. Now, I've even limited how much time I spend on this forum and make sure I occupy my time with other stuff. It has really helped me. We also saw a counsellor together, not from our clinic,  just someone local. It helped to talk about how we are coping and what is going to happen next.

I hope that you manage to decide and that we both have our dreams come true.  

Ms G.  xx


----------



## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Ah Moomintoo that's a difficult one to handle. However, I think I'd do the same as Ms G - if you work in a small team and you're their boss I think you need to lead by example (however much it might hurt/aggrieve you). He'll return and his talk about his new baby will be short-lived hopefully, but if you don't contribute and it will be noticed unfortunately it could give others the wrong impression of you that will leave a lasting false impression. If they don't know of your struggles, they're likely to draw less than favourable opinions about why you didn't contribute. Sigh. It's hard I know, especially if you don't even like the guy!! In this instance, I would (begrudgingly) pay over the money, sign the card with some generic good luck message and try to just forget it. 

With regards to next steps, I fully sympathise with your situation. I was in limboland for over a year because I just couldn't decide what to do. My advice is as Ms G has done herself too - fill your time with other things and try to find peace with your current situation. I (eventually) achieved this through hypnotherapy but any form of counselling, or relaxation will help you get through this horrible in-between stage. Try to assess your options of what else you could try and take it from there. If you need more tests or a second opinion, for example, these little steps will help you to move forward without committing yourself to another cycle or indeed deciding enough is enough. I procrastinated for the longest time but in the end, I needed a break so I took it. Having a break and taking a step back can help you to look at your options and your current life a bit more objectively and rationally rather than when you're in the middle of TTC when the desire for a baby is so all-consuming. Of course the desire doesn't disappear while you're deciding what to do but it does become slightly more easier to handle when you feel generally more calm in yourself.  

Wishing you both the very best of luck and all the best for tomorrow Ms G.

x


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

if you can't get out of donating, (i think you might forget about it all quicker if you do, otherwise you might be reminded ever time you see a pic or something) why not give £5 to a charity of your choice as well. to sort of off-set it. or spend £5 on a luxury item for yourself if you'd rather. give yourself something else to think about anyway. 


as to feeling stuck have you thought about trying reflexology it can be helpful in letting go, moving forward. x


----------



## moomintoo (May 27, 2012)

Hi guys,

I am so incredibly grateful for you taking the time to write back to me. It has been really supportive and I feel like there is really no one in my life at the moment that understands how rough this is. It has been a hard week for me. I think you are right - it will be a quick rip of the bandaid to put in for the collection. I can just discretely walk away or speak to someone else if the baby chatter starts up. It is so weird because I find it easy to be happy for people I care about, but really hard if I have any negative feelings towards the people being blessed with a new family member.

As to what to do next, I have been in to ARGC having had this prolonged journey. Hubby and I are at the point where we just want to go for the apparent "best". I have had all my baseline stuff and they want me to contact them on my next period. I put it off this last few months, and couldn't work out why. I think I am just so terrified of starting the cycle of hope and haven't got my inner resources to be positive. I had always been so positive and optimistic in the previous cycles so when things didn't go as I hoped, it was extra devastating. Also, at the local clinics they were pushing me towards donor cycles - and my sister very kindly offered. So I feel like I am in a quandary: should we even waste our time (and money) on a cycle with me, or should we cut out the middle man and poach sister's eggs?! I just want someone else to take over managing all this and I will just turn up when told to. I feel like it is all on me. Hubby just wants me to be happy, I think.

Anyway, maybe an attitude adjustment is in order. And perhaps it is just around the corner. Just wish the bloody corner would get easier to get to. You ladies definitely helped me get a step closer today. Thanks so much.

Love and luck to you all.


----------



## stelmat (Feb 1, 2014)

I worked with a chap who never put in.  He said he didn't wish to and nor did he ever want a collection for his benefit.  Noone ever commented on his decision, it was just accepted that was what he did.

I've elected not to put in for certain people, the way they passed the card and collection around it was easy to do, you could just sign the card or put in a token gesture.  Plenty of people must have done the same as there was always a weird amount at the end inculding plenty of coppers.  Does everyone have to put in the same amount at your place?  

There are only four of us where I am now so it isn't an issue anymore!


----------



## moomintoo (May 27, 2012)

Well, I have done it now - although I have been a touch less generous than for other people who have been retiring or got married etc. 

Most people contribute to stuff within the team giving various amounts left to your own discretion. It was interesting as I arranged the collection for one of my colleagues when she was retiring and I got a sense of how important and special she was to people. This guy didn't contribute at all. In fact I am not sure he ever has. And I am not the only one who is not keen on him in the team. So I am sure others will not be putting in or would only be putting small amounts. 

Unfortunately it is not anonymous as the collection is usually done in person 1-2-1 or via PayPal. And like you suggest - since he doesn't put in for others he probably won't expect this. 

I think overall I am doing it more for his wife than for him: I think it will make her feel good to think his colleagues care. Also, I have done it for me: so I don't have to worry about it!


----------



## Ms G (Aug 4, 2014)

Well done Moomintoo.  

Just goes to show what a lovely generous person you are. You can feel all superior! 

Wishing you lots of luck in your journey.    xx


----------

