# Donor sperm



## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

I was with my boyfriend for 7 years, and we recently broke up.  He won't be my sperm donor, because he said he would be too attatched to the baby.  He has had children from a previous marriage and he is a good father, really responsible.  Having previous children is not why he won't be the sperm donor- it has more to do with the fact that we are broken up, because he was willing to be when we were together.  It has more to do with the type of person he is-responsible, a good father, which are things I love about him.  He isn't good to be in a relationship with though-not relationship material.  But I am really grieving the loss of the dream I had of using his sperm and having someone whom I had a strong connection with.  Has anyone else gone through this?  I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this-so I am sorry if this isn't the right place for this.  I have to order anonymous spern now.  I wanted to at least have his connection in my baby-even if we weren't together, and I told him he didn't have to be responsible or marry me or anything.  He is just a responsible type of guy and would want to be involved anyway-maybe not the financial but he would have been there as a dad, and he is not willing to do that if we aren't in a relationship.  It's really painful.  I have to do donor egg also, as now I am too old to have my own good eggs.  We were together for 7 years and he kept putting off me getting pregnant.  People told me not to worry-that older women get pregant and so I was lax about it, and it was said with the best intentions, but it really is a lot harder when you are older, and now it is pretty much impossible for me.  If I could still ues my won eggs it would be a lot easier.  I was really hoping to at least have that connection with someone I love.  I was wondering for those who have used donor sperm what you feel when you look at your baby, what kind of connection?  I'm sorry if this is a stupid question, but I'm feeling really sad right now.


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Have to write quickly - need to make DDs supper

Truthfully (and I know my DD father/sperm donor) - I look at her and don't even associate her with him.  As far as I am concerned she is 99.5% mine and the rest his.  I have brought her up on my own and couldn 't be more proud and in love with her.  I honestly don't think of him in her one bit (is that bad ?).

Even if you had used him - I can't imagine you would love your child any more/less.

Good luck - am sure the others will be along shortly.

Axx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Sohocat,       

I don't know the man that helped me to create my son, and likely will never do so, and nor will my boy (due to the laws that were in force at the time my boy was conceived).  I am incredibly grateful to this man for helping me to achieve my dreams of creating a new life and being a mum.  However, like AC, I only very rarely think of the donor when I see my son, and it is a fleeting thing.  My son is my son, and no one else's.  He is a unique child, in the way that every child is unique, and personally I don't look for characteristics that might be attributable to that part of his genetic heritage (though I guess other members of my family might?  Perhaps I should ask!  )  

A-Mx


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Sohocat       I know my ex did offer me his   but I declined in the end - partly because we had had a relationship and it didn't sit right with me (ended badly).  Then a friend was going to be my known donor - but even that proved complicated.  I personally like the idea that I've never had a relationship or slept with my donor as I feel that I won't harbour any resentment towards my (future   )gorgeous child's genetic father and IF my knight in shining armour comes along I can't see it posing too much of an issue as the biological father has never been in my life or my child's life.  
It's hard and perhaps you still need some time to heal after the relationship?  
     
Take care mini x x


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Sohocat - I can totally identify with your post.  It took me a long time to grieve not having that connection of my ex partner in my (then potential) child.  

I am sooo glad I got that sorted in time to go on and have this child that i have longed for soo much longer than i loved my ex for!!  My son is the most precious person to have ever been in my life and I couldnt love him more than I do.  The fact that I dont know the donor makes it easier in that we will never grow apart and I will never fall out of love with someone I never knew!!

I can see myself in J and also his grandad ... all I know is that he has donor's eye colouring ... as for the rest, he is a lovable and unique little person ... 

Good luck with moving forward
Maya


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## estella (Nov 1, 2009)

Hey Babe,

I totally identify with you too, I had a DD with my now ex 2 1/2 yrs ago, I would have had another baby straight away as I am 36 and also had some earlier gynae probs. I wanted to have a full blood sibling for my dd but I was strung along quite a bit. I made the decision to use a donor and am hopefully going to do this next week, if all shipments arrive on time!!

You need to get yourself in a strong place where you view this as a positive and proactive step you are taking. You are not a victim and to be honest it is a lot less complicated if you use a donor rather than him. I'm wondering if you are harbouring hopes that you will get back together with him - and if that is swaying your thoughts on everything.  I know how hard it can be in a situation like this, you need to do some thinking and if you are prepared to go for this and become a single mum and forget about him then I say go for it but I think you need to do some meditation about all of this and build yourself up. I personally would minimise contact with him, you are selling yourself short. Get strong and do this out of positivity and determination if you are going to do it at all.

Hugs and Kisses

Estella xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

sohocat-I think that the girls have said some very sensible things, once you have mad the shift to donor sperm you are creating a baby for you, not a part of someone else or the man that you wish you had a relationship with.  Some of the girls talk about the difficulties choosing donor sperm and then others remind that they are not choosing a boyfriend.  If you want a relationship of whatever sort- just so your child knows if sperm donor/father figure or to share parenting have you considered using a known donor (I am with a friend, who is  a gay man and partner to another dear friend) or co-parenting.  Good Luck whatever you decide
L x


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## RichmondLass (Apr 26, 2009)

Sohocat

I understand.  I began wanting a child with my ex and we tried for a while and began treatment before we split up.  So I gave myself quite a few months before I decdied t go it alone.  By then it was all about having my child rather than our child.  I've had donor egg and sperm by the way.

i think you still have an emotional connection to your ex, and still love him which is natural.  We are emotional and hormonal creatures us women and men we have slept with will always have a place in our hearts and minds.

You began your dream thinking your child would have two parents and that's how you pcitured your future  You've got to reinvent that for yourself and the child now, which will definitely come in time.

I think your ex is being very sensible and who knows!  he may well play a part in your child's future in some way as a friend and role model, so don't despair.  You know he's not partner material though and that's very important.
scuse crap typing
RLxx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Everyone-this week I had to pick the sperm donor-I did it anonymous because of the timing of my procedure which is in December.  Very stressful with mourning all of this and trying to pick it out.  Your kind, supportive words have helped me more this week than you all probably know!

Richmond Lass-thank you for your kind words, and it is true-I did have dreams of him being in my child's life.  He would have been if he was the donor, but he probably won't be because he is not the donor-which is how he wants it; he does not want that responsiblity even if the baby is not his; he is not giving in that way-which is a huge reason why he is not relationship material.  He is responsible but not giving-I don'r know if that makes sense but it's true.  

Estella-thank you for you wonderful words of advice.  I appreciate your support.  I don't think I am horboring wanting to get back together with him-I don't want to right now, feeling the way I do.  I knew he would be in the baby's life if he was the donor which is what I wanted for the baby and me.  The baby would have a father figure, which I really wanted.  A nice, responsible man.  Plus, I have loved him and it would be a connection.  He is not someone anyone can be with-seriously!   I was hoping we could be friends..  I am ready to have a baby -I'm just really scared about the money, and how I'll do it on my own.  I don't have any family so I'm really scared to do this on my own.  But it is what I want-what I have wanted for a long time.  I liked what you said about selling myself short-thanks for those great words!  You are awesome!  

Lx-thank you  for your support-.

Maya-wise words,thanks you.  You are right about not knowing the donor because then there is no chance of growing apart or faling out of love.  I felt so much better after reading your post-it really helped me this week!

JJx-you are right, there are often difficulties picking sperm, and there are different way of doing this.  Thank you for your support!

Mini minx-What you said really makes sense to me and it rings true to me.  Your story really make me feel better and it made me feel so not alone!  Thank you!

Ameliacooper-thank you, you too really makes sense. Everyone does-and I appreiate your supportive words and feedback from your own experience-it is invaluable to me.

indekiwi-Thank you also, you are right and I love hearing about your own experience as well..


Everyone: sorry about the long post-I felt like I wanted to thank everyone so far, because you are right and have made me feel a lot better.  I hope you are having a good weekend!

Jean


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hello sohocat,

I can completely empathise...I started this journey just after splitting up with someone that I really imagined would be the father of my children. Its hard to adjust and grieve for that, but I think all the advice you have been given is very useful. Ultimately this baby will be your baby, and no one elses....and sometimes I feel really privileged that this will be the case, and sometimes I feel really sad (and selfish) that I am creating a child without a father.  However, this is the circumstance I find myself in and I'd like to keep faith that eventually a great man will come along and then I really think that having a child without a complicated past relationship hanging over us will be a very positive thing.

This journey makes us question every single decision in a way that just getting pregnant doesn't, so its no wonder if it is incredibly tough sometimes. I am sure that everyone who now has a baby through donor sperm & eggs would say that it is the best thing that they have done and they have ended up with the child that they were destined to have.

Good luck with it all, and we're all here and able to understand every emotion!!  There is always someone who has been through the same thing.

xxx


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Jean honey - congrats on choosing your donor honey.  It is hard but I have to say seeing Inde with her gorgeous boy and how she has addressed questions about poppets biological father really did help me and make me realise that what I'm doing is ok (so big thanks inde x)!!  A lot of people I talk too actually say that they wish they had the guts to take the plunge.
Take care mini x


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## estella (Nov 1, 2009)

Sohocat , I'm delighted you have chosen your donor!! Well done this is a great and very positive step for you.

There are some cheaper ways of doing everything - by for example going abroad, have a look at the threads about reprofit for example.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for your procedure in December. Tap into your inner strength and imagine how happy you will be when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time. Nothing else will matter! You are making this decision as a strong, informed and decisive woman. Well done!

Let me know how you get on...

Hugs,

Estella xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Estella
I am going to Reprofit Dec 7-14 with double donor.  Am getting anxious now-really can hardly talk about it, it is so overwhelming.


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

Sohocat, I've just added you to the Single Abroadies Part 8 board.  Hope I've got the details right.

Lots of   for your upcoming treatment.
Love and hugs, Felix xx


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Felix42
I looked at the Abroadies Part 8 website and you got my information right-thanks for posting me on there with everyone else.  I feel so official now!  Wishing for us all


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

No problem. Best of luck in Brno. 

Love & hugs, Felix xx


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