# iS 49 too old?



## londonman (Sep 17, 2008)

I am a 49 year old man(soon to be)
wondered if I am now too old for parenting?


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

I think the 'you are only as old as you feel' thing comes in here!  My dh took some convincing that 45 wasn't too old for another one (he has 3 already!!), but i talked him round!  

I think you can be a wonderful parent whatever age you are - as long as you want it. (although i have found that my dh is not as patient as he used to be - he blames that on his age!)

Good luck.


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## professor waffle (Apr 23, 2005)

My DH was 48 when I got pg & if we have another he will be over 50, he's a young 50 though but I'm sure you're a youthful guy too


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hi ya, bud.

Well for me i think sometimes age is in your favour as you are a bit wiser and i think more patient.
Never to old to be a parent, i recon


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## GretaGarbo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi,

No, I do not believe it is too old. My partner is currently 46 and feels that he is a much better father to his children now then when he was younger. We both think that should we finally manage to concieve a child of our own, he will be a much better father to our baby, as he is more patient person and will be more interested. He has talked regretfully of the fact that with his first children, that he was more interested in his career and blames this on his youth.

Good luck,

Greta.


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## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Sally - how did you persuade your DH to have a second? I'm champing to have another and time is running out for my eggs, but my DH is adamant he won't consider any more (his two older kids are now 17 and 21).

Was here any particular techniue to persuading him it was a terribly good idea? 

xxxx


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Guilt. 



It was v difficult actually - when we met, i was only 27, and within a few weeks I had known that our relationship was special and i needed to know that he would be prepared to go through whatever it would take for us to have children - knowing he had already had a vasectomy.  He promised that he would - knowing full well that I wanted at least 2 children.

Last summer, he turned it round saying that had he known how long it would take, how hard it would be etc he may have thought differently etc, and that he thought he was now getting too old to do it again. (he was 44 then).

I couldn't believe it to be honest - i had taken a huge chance on him, knowing that we may not end up with children, but i needed to know we had done everything we could to try.  Had he said 'well if we can do it by the time i'm 42 then yes', or 'yes, but no more than one', then i wouldn't have taken the relationship any further - we had only been together about 3 months when i asked him this, as i didn't want to get too deeply involved if I new he definitely didn't want any more children.

I told him that he couldn't change the goal posts now - as it was one of the main reasons we had stayed together - i wanted a family with him. Despite how much i loved him, i would have resented him if he hadn't at least let us try for a family.

I think he slept on it and realised that this could cause a lot of problems - maybe not now but in the future - if he put his foot down and said no, that he agreed to try again.

it's been hard going through treatment knowing he doesn't want it this time as much as me, but he does get these little glimmers of excitement now and i know he will be head over heels in love with the new baby once it is born.

Sorry - just realised that was quite long - i think it was quite a big deal, well it still is really!!  

You can't 'force' them, but if you think your relationship is strong enough, then it is worht another try to persuade him....
good luck hun


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Also, i've just seen that your LO is only a few weeks old - give him a bit longer yet to get over the shock of a baby after having 2 grown up children!!


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## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Haha! Yes, I know. However, I don't have much time left - I'm perimenopausal already!

I was thinking maybe next year, trying to persuade him that another was a frightfully good idea. 

Not good at the mo to introduce the subject, not in the first arduous months - I take your point!


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

I didn't want to hang about any longer either once i discovered my fsh was 14.3 and then 17.3 just before tx!


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## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Yowsers! That sounds like stress to me!

The build-up to tx is the worst bit I reckon.


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Yes - actually this time I was quite chilled out once i started treatment!

Sorry londonman - have hijacked your thread a bit!


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## broatchy (Jan 31, 2008)

hello londonman

my dh is 55 a very young one at that and we are trying for our first together just about to start our second icsi on the 30th of this month..yer never too old as a man its us females that have to watch only because of our biological clock ticking..

go for it is what i say..you will be a fab parent.


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## AngloAsian (Nov 4, 2008)

I certainly hope 49 isn't too old because I'm 62 and just about to set off on the SSR/ICSI trail so that my DW can have her first child.  

It was good to read sallywag's comments "from the other side". I empathise with her DH but fully understand her position too. I've agreed to try for a child despite all the odds being against us, because I know she deserves the best she can get. Having had a vasectomy over 30 years ago we're having to resort to technology, but that's not stopping us practicing the natural way too


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Welcome to the boards AngloAsian  

Great username  

Emma x


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## Miranda7 (Feb 12, 2007)

Looking marvellous for 62!


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## Pinky3 (Jul 30, 2008)

Hi Guys

I'd just like to tell you my dad was about 50 when me and my sister were born (two years apart) he was a brilliant dad who had lots more time to spend with us than other dads and also was more into doing family things - so we had loads of days out, holidays, trips to roller skating etc. 

Good luck to you all

George x x


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## AngloAsian (Nov 4, 2008)

Thanks Emma


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## Richard1969 (Mar 4, 2009)

I wouldn't say you were not in the slightest, my grandparents were in their late 40's when they had my two uncles, and they turned out fine.

But I have just fallen at the first hurdle in trying to get funding for my fertility treatment. My partner (of 7 years) is 26 and I'm 39, and the reason for being refused, I'm too old!   

The doctor is appealing to the decision.


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

This is a good question!  I am nearly 48 and my partner is 44. I had our daughter, my first and only child at 46.  We had trouble going for our FET when I was 47 as we felt then we were past it but that was really an energy/lifestyle/diet thing which we are now trying to deal with.

However as one of my consultants says, age is a general risk factor, but our bodies age at different rates, ie people are not necessarily directly comparable due to age, other health and physiological factors kick in too, particularly if people smoke and drink a lot.I would say that for a man its less of an issue provided that sperm quality is OK. People are  generally living longer and healthier lives and as far as I'm aware men have always been fathering kids well into their 70s! 
My parents were well into their 40s when I was born- my own father was 48. Both were wonderful parents.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

roze


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## wendy76 (Nov 20, 2008)

I am wondering what age is too old also, my DH is 47 this month and I don't want to carry on much longer because of his age.  My opinion is that he deserves his retirement to spend time on him & too relax not too be dealing with stroppy teenagers.


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Just found out that a friend is about to have a new bubba, and he is 52! It made my dh feel a bit better about his next one at 45!


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## broatchy (Jan 31, 2008)

my dh is 55 and looking forward to being a daddy again his other kids are 25 and 27


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## cleg (Jun 27, 2006)

well im 30 + have no children, my DP is 45 soon 46 (he prob feels younger than me ) + already has 2 from previous marriage 19 + 14 + he, well we are hoping + praying for one of our own



wendy76 said:


> I am wondering what age is too old also, my DH is 47 this month and I don't want to carry on much longer because of his age. My opinion is that he deserves his retirement to spend time on him & too relax not too be dealing with stroppy teenagers.


i thought about this too but what does your DH *honestly* want ? (i highlight the word honest as he has to be truthful to you + mostly himself, i am aware that sometimes men say + go along with things purely to keep us happy) surely its upto him to decide weather or not he is too old 

each individual to their own on this one, if you feel comfortable with becoming a parent at the age you are then go for it 

xxx


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## wendy76 (Nov 20, 2008)

Unfortunately he just agrees with me   which drives me mad because it is about both of us and he just says we will talk about it when the time comes, but I think women like to talk about things before they happen so we know what to expect.

I am the same situation as you he has two children from his first marriage who are 19 & 16 so at least if treatment doesn't work we may have grandchildren to look forward to.


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## cleg (Jun 27, 2006)

yes wendy it is nice to know where you stand   

xxx


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I dont know if this helps but a close family friend of my parents said they had been really worried about having a child in middle age - my mum was 46 and my dad 48. They had been advised to consider whether to continue with the pregnancy but they decided to persevere as the options were unthinkable to them even though there was little in the way of antenatal testing for Downs etc at that time. Apparently I made my dad so happy and this friend thought that I had improved his health and well being by making him a father.
I was a very stroppy teenager indeed but they seemed to deal very well with it. It was undoubtedly tiring for them but I never really noticed any particular lacking of energy compared to my friends parents. Dad was always taking me out on my bike in the evenings when he was home from work which involved fast walking trying to keep up with me. He would always play tennis and table tennis with me at weekends and when I was a teenager he would come to collect me from the weekly youth club and disco, sometimes around 11pm twice a week. We went on active holidays to the Isle of Man in particular. Only when they both approached 70 did things seem to slow down, but then I had left home by that time and started my own life.  When my mum became seriously ill I was there to support him. 

Teenagers are rarely stroppy all the time; everyone is different. Children are the complete unknown and unpredictable. There is no way of telling whether your family life is going to be ideal or extremely difficult. That is the risk for all parents/would be parents regardless of age. The problem with getting older is that people like to be in control , some more than others, and thats where the problems can arise. You can't control what you get with children and children don't like feeling controlled. You know who you are when you are a little older, and you are used to things being fairly settled into a routine of your choice. It can be hard to change.  You don't necessarily know how good or bad you will be at this until you have a baby. My DH and I were probably a little set in our ways- a result of childlessness rather than age necessarily but I think we are better now. Two major changes in career path for both of us, redundancy, a close family bereavement, and a baby have been our lot in the last two years so its been what you might call a challenging time so right now we are probably as open to change and new challenges than we have ever been.

If you feel you have the flexibility to deal with almost anything life throws at you, then this(parenthood!) is the job for you!

roze


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## sallywags (Jun 27, 2005)

Well said roze


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## haribo (Apr 12, 2009)

Hi londonman,

back to your post ... 
like they say you're never too old, all to do will how old you feel !

New to this site and want to see what issues I share with others.
Sometime I think I'm too old when I calculate how old I could be before any kids I could have are adults!
That's something I need to deal with when it happens - can only live for today

Haribo


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## MarkyB (Feb 13, 2009)

Hey Richard  we got nhs funding for ivf when I was 39 and DW was 24. MY age was never discussed.

As for 49, well for a start I think you're asking the wrong set of people as there's bound to be a disproportionately high number of oldie wannabe parents here!  Only joking everyone!

My farther was a school teacher so saw a great number of children and their parents, and he said he had one child whose farther was in his 60's and was the happiest most well balanced child in the school.

The mere fact you are asking the question probably makes you better farther material than alot of others.  Having said that, as a man you'll be entering the death zone when your child is still a teenager ...


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Bit late coming into this discussion but I thought what roze said was very important - it's not just about a baby, it's about looking after children and young people too, so it's a valid question.  The baby stage is all too short and it tires you out but it doesn't quite require quite as much mental or emotional resource as teenagers and young people do.  Having become a stepmum to 3 teenagers who are now adults, I'm quite glad I had the experience the other way round so I know what's coming!  

When I was about 18, my boyfriend at the time had a father who was in his mid 70s and was starting to suffer from low level dementia, his mum was in her 60s and their relationship was fraught.  He was very resentful of his dad who he had looked up to and had immense fun with when he was a child, but who now couldn't always communicate well or remember things.  It struck me as very sad.  

This played on my mind considerably as the years ticked by and I wasn't having any children, as my DH is 14 years older than me, I was 28 when we met, we weren't in a hurry to have children as I had no idea I would have fertility problems (well, I did but I didn't really think hard enough about the implications) and he was busy dealing with his then teenage children.  Anyway to cut a long story short he is now 56 and I'm 42 and my DH has two children with me and 5 in total - the other 3 are all in their 20s, one is nearly 30     Like Sally said earlier, I took quite a risk being with him when all around me friends were starting their families, he already had children and might not have wanted more children with me.  I really wanted children and always knew that I did.  The decision took him some time, I'm very grateful in some ways that we didn't really know that I'd need fertility tx as that would have made the decision even harder.  As it was I have a fabulous DH who despite moaning about how old and creaky he's getting, and how exhausted he is with two children under 3, went through many years of heartache with me to make our DS and was rewarded with a surprise DD just when he was getting his head around being a dad again in his mid 50s!    I actually think the whole process of fertility tx opened his eyes as he'd possibly been more blase about having his first children - though he loves them all dearly, and is very involved with them (one still lives with us), he was 26 when he first became a dad and had alot of other things on his mind - making his way at work, starting his career, earning enough for his family, playing footie every weekend      Nowadays he's relatively comfortably off, and considering early retirement and possibly spending more time with his little ones than he ever did with the older children.  He finds it tiring, and possibly more stressful, but also he has more maturity, more time, more of a sense of how hard we worked to get them - he is terribly proud of his adult children and their achievements, whatever they are, but our two little ones, haven't had time to achieve that much yet and I get the feeling he just enjoys them for being little miracles and a second chance at being a dad when he can put more emotional energy into it.

I think we both worry about what may happen in the future, how old we will see our children get to be, our health, whether we'll be a burden to our children or each other, whether we'll see our grandchildren, and so on, but to be honest people can suffer from illnesses, or lose their parents at any age and I doubt that many parents to be in their 20s worry about it that much.  My DH lost his own dad when he was in his early 30s, his dad died suddenly at 65 and never saw 3 of his grandchildren, his mum lived to 86 and still didn't live to see my DD.  My DH is fit, he looks after himself, and the children are not so much keeping him young but they are definitely keeping him busy and stimulated! 

Like roze we've been through quite a bit in the last couple of years and it's been busy and hard work too.  But I think the advantage of age is that most things are taken in their stride, with the benefit of a couple more decades of experience.  

As cheery says if you're asking, you're going to make good father material because for the majority of people it just sort of happens to them, there's not that much debate..  
My DH is a cracking good dad, he's an old git but he's definitely great father material.

Claire x


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## Kolar (Jan 20, 2010)

I'm 28 and my husband has just turned 60. 

We really want to start a family (he has one grown-up daughter from a previous relationship, I have none).
So if the willing is there, no, I don't think it's too late (40s isn't that old!!! )

However, on the physical side, it can be more difficult. We are having problems- hubby has low sperm count & moltility, and high abnormality    and have been trying for over a year now.

I have a friend who had his 2nd daughter in his 40s, it took a lot more time & effort to conceive than his first, but he managed it eventually (approx 1 year- but think of it as one year of extra sex than you may have had!)

Hope you resolve your dilemma
love & best wishes
x


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## Serene (Dec 6, 2011)

AngloAsian said:


> I certainly hope 49 isn't too old because I'm 62 and just about to set off on the SSR/ICSI trail so that my DW can have her first child.
> 
> It was good to read sallywag's comments "from the other side". I empathise with her DH but fully understand her position too. I've agreed to try for a child despite all the odds being against us, because I know she deserves the best she can get. Having had a vasectomy over 30 years ago we're having to resort to technology, but that's not stopping us practicing the natural way too


wow - my partner is 65 and im 29 - have been wondering is this unfair to him?

x


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I'd forgotten I'd contributed to this thread over 2 years ago!  Since that time I went on to conceive and bear twins by donor tx.  They were two years old last week. I am now 50 and managing three young kids under 5, one at school and the twins toddling and walking as well as holding down a job 4 days a week.
I was advised by medical professionals not to proceed with the pregnancy as I was 48 and the pregnancy and subsequent bringing them up would be too challenging.

Its been certainly challenging but you do utlise your limited resources better to cope. My pregnancy was no worse than anyone elses. A little more challenging on certain fronts but overall it went a lot better than with my first daughter. I can honestly say that having twins was easier than our first because we  more experienced, less anxious and more willing to let little things go.

I keep meeting so many people now in their 50s and 60s who belie their age and are fit and healthy. The biology of ageing will probably never change in conception terms but people are fitter, and healthier as a whole. The only downside is having kids when your financial situation might be more challenging due to job loss and impeded career progression. You will have to accept that you might see your kids reach 25 or 30. To us that is sad but it probably means theyll get their inheritance in middle age and benefit from it for their own families. But then there are no guarantees whatever.

My view is really that individual circumstances are what counts.  

good luck,


roze


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hello ladies,

What an interesting topic! I'm 12 weeks pregnant (thankfully and full of gratitude) with our first baby. I'm 39 and my DH is 55. We starting TTC 6 years ago and did not think for a moment that it would have taken us so long to have success.

DH and I had a long and interesting conversation about this topic over dinner tonight as I wanted to get his opinion and he made some very interesting points.

1. People are living longer and we're being told all the time that we are healthier and will live longer than previous generations.

2. My DH was 25 when is first daughter was born and he reckons that there was way too much in his life that needed attention, concentrating on his career, making money, maintaining a social life and that the responsibility of his daughter was, at times, overwhelming.

3. DH feels that he is now in a place where he has reached the top of his career, is financially stable and is already a 'home body' who enjoys spending time at home

4. He made the point, 'What are 55 years olds supposed to be doing with their lives? Watching countdown and playing bingo?

5. He feels that he has the patience and time to be able to be a fully involved, committed and loving father.

6. How many children are being raised in the UK without a father at all, so is it such a bind to have an 'older' dad?

7. Even if your Dad is 35, when you 15, you will always think that your Dad is a 'nerd' when you are a teenager, irrelevant of age

8. Does everyone think that all younger Dads have bags of energy to play football and be fully involved with their kids. Lots of 'younger' dads live very unhealthy lives, may be very overweight or working very long hours in demanding jobs that allow little of no time to spend time with their kids.

9. Do we all really imagine that dads in their 30's or 40's are all young, attractive, financially secure, healthy and have loads of time to devote to their kids?

10. Yes, my DH will be 75 by the time that our baby (please god) has begun to develop into an adult, but if we did not have this baby, my DH would *still *be 75, but he will have the pleasure and happiness of 20 years with a young person to enjoy and be a part of their live.

I'll be watching this thread with interest.

Dee


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I do second your point about 55 year olds. Most 55 year olds upwards I know are off walking the Inca Trail, learning salsa, sailing round the world, practicing for their first London marathon. It is presumably why the retirement age is being raised time after time. And why for most healthy people of that age wouldnt turn a hair at raising young children. My 30s were punctuated by heavy periods and PMT resulting in migraines and lots of time off work (I didnt realise that this was my reproductive system breaking down a little early,)  I used to oversleep due to excessive partying and just running around wasting my time on futile things. I had just bought my first flat and had an insecure job and a high mortgage due to high interest rates so I also had a second job in a pub. I would come home from work feeling exhausted and need to spend long hours in bed sleeping off my week. In other words, not great ingredients for having children!

However I do worry ( for ourselves as well) that people in their 50s just get fed up with increasingly poor working conditions and lose their jobs because they can do them better than their bosses, making them either wanting to walk out or getting sacked because they dispute something. I do therefore feel that prevalent ageism in our society is addressed to enable that generation to stay in interesting work if they want to , are not forcibly retired by younger bosses who are scared of their power and influence.

roze


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

My DH is now 59 and has stopped work to look after out twin boys - he is just fabulous with them. He has three grown up children from a previous marriage and says he really missed out on what he is experiencing now. He wouldn't hAve it any other way.

Lots of baby dust to all of you

KA xxx


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## Need1Miracle (Oct 20, 2011)

Nah, my DH is is much older than me, he has kids from previous but missed them growing up because of his career.

We both want this more than anything.


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