# I can't bear this



## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

Just got a 'group' text from a friend who's pregnant, announcing the birth of her daughter. She knows all about our IVF and problems etc. In the text she puts ' baby is amazing, we are completely over the moon and completely exhausted but so so so so happy!' 

I feel like I've been punched in the face. Doesn't help that I'm having a bad day anyway but it's just so insensitive to send something like that to someone who's been trying for 3 years and had a failed IVF cycle!! She probably didn't think and just sent it out to everyone in her phone book but it's just so upsetting. 

I feel so sad and hopeless and like things are never going to get any better 

x


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## lydiadanni (Apr 22, 2014)

sickofwaiting I know what you're going through. I actually posted this earlier today (so sorry if you've seen in another forum!) but it's just how I'm feeling today. I feel your sadness and know that it feels that we will never get that thing that we want so much in our lives. But we must keep believing. Your friend has like you said, prob sent it to everyone, but it could be that she's just wrapped up in her happy bubble and hasn't even realised. Stay strong. Hope my post offers some comfort to know that you're not alone x

I found out this morning that our first ICSI cycle has failed... greeted by a harsh slap in the face, in the form of my period. So I joined this site immediately. What a relief to read stories of people expressing feelings which for so long I have tried to hide or felt ashamed to be feeling. I will admit that I can't cope when my colleague bangs on all day about how hard motherhood is, how tired she is, how lucky i am to not be up all night, not be broke all the time and able to take holidays. I'm about ready to snap with her. She saw me looking on a holiday website the other day (we've just been away and have another hol booked next month, we decided to treat ourselves this year) and she said to me very loudly "oh you're not booking another holiday are you? pah wait until you have a child, you won't be doing that!" She questioned me regularly throughout my ICSI treatment; "how do the drugs make you feel?", "how do they do the scans?", even down to "which end do you put your pessaries into" !!! And when I respond in an ever positive way, "well they make me feel sick, tired, irrational...but it's fine, all for a good cause" she'll rub in a good old dose of her usual salt in my wounds with a comment like "oh yeah, just like how I felt when I was pregnant"..........Right now, I want to leave my job that I love so much because of this woman!

I feel jealous when I see a pregnant woman recently. Before when I've seen cute little babies I've always felt "awww how lovely, can't wait until thats me". I've tried for so many years not to let the infertile beast get the better of me. Now that I've got a failed cycle, I already feel angry and resentful towards anyone with a child! how will i deal with that ongoing?!

Truth is, anyone who hasn't lived with infertility doesn't understand infertility. Fact. 

My mother thankfully says all the right things, never tells me to "relax and it will happen" and although she is super positive, she says its ok to grieve, cry, feel rubbish for a while. My mother in law is the opposite, her helpful words of advice were "sometimes some people just aren't supposed to be parents and you have to accept it rather than drive yourself mad with ivf"... 

This is only my first cycle I know, so i have a lot more to face yet but we've been trying for 5yrs and this already feels so devastating. I am dreading my friends getting pregnant (currently 3 couples trying) and dreading hanging out with my best friends and their cute baby, WhoM i usually adore being around. Now it just feels.....too hard.


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## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

Hi 

Just replied on the other thread too. Thanks so much for your kind words of support and I'm so sorry about your failed cycle. No one can understand the pain and grief of IF and going through all the IVF heartache. 

Your colleague sounds like a total nightmare, what an insensitive bint!! I can't believe the things she comes out with given that she knows you are having IVF, unbelievable. And what intrusive questions, it makes me so angry for you!! Good for you booking a holiday, it's just what you need. After our failed cycle we went to Thailand for 2 weeks, flew out on New Years Day just as everyone was going back to work, god that felt good! This sounds really immature but I wanted to be the one everyone is jealous of for once. I'm already planning my next holiday for July after our next cycle, as I know I will need one if it fails. It did us the world of good to get away from everything, I am sure it will to you too. Where are you going to go?

I know what you mean about feeling jealous. Sometimes I feel like 'awww how cute can't wait til that's me' but sometimes I literally want to scream and cry my eyes out because it really is just so damn unfair. I just got back from a wedding where there were about a million pregnant people. At one point 3 of them were on the dance floor comparing bumps and looking so happy I thought I was going to die it hurt so much. 

sorry to hear about your mother in law. i can't believe how tactless people can be making these flippant remarks, how would they feel if it were them unable to have a child!!! It belittles your feelings and makes you feel guilty for not just 'getting over it' - like it's that easy. It's not like the handbag you really wanted has sold out for god's sake. It feels like grief not being able to have a child, and people just don't understand it do they. 

You are super strong, us IF ladies need to stick together and we will get there in the end. Hope you feel better soon, the pain of the failed cycle does get easier I promise, but it takes time xxx


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## lydiadanni (Apr 22, 2014)

Aaargh I feel your pain over the bump comparing pregnant dancers! I would feel exactly the same. In fact I saw a photo the other day of an ex colleague from an old job and not only is she already pretty well off (with a rich hubby), owns a lovely house in the countryside, gorgeous, slim, fit (ran the marathon)...i could go on, she is now preg naturally with twins! Usually I would say "yeah, whatever nobody is perfect" but I swear she is! and it makes me green with envy. Jealously is a trait I despise but I'm afraid to admit that I feel it so often these days.

We're off to Vegas so it's the only thing keeping me going now. I'm sure I'll get the comments about being able to drink now, go to a club etc etc but as if that's important! I just wanted to be the happy pregnant couple on holiday.

I hope you book yourself a damn good holiday for July. You will deserve it. And more importantly, I hope you have success and get yourself that much wanted pregnancy. I hope chatting has helped a bit, it has for me. At least distracts me anyway! 

I'll prob be starting again July time myself. Wishing you all the best.

Lydia xx


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## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

Oh god I hate those people. My sister in law is lovely, slim, has an amazing massive house, doesn't have to work, has 2 perfect little boys already and a girl on the way, honestly it makes me blood boil it is so hard to be around her. We are good friends and live in the same place so it's been really hard. I've actually just started working for her husband 1 day a week so I have to see her bump on a regular basis!! 

Vegas will be fab, you so deserve it. I know exactly what you mean, you don't care about not drinking or whatever just want to be pregnant. It's so hard. People just take it for granted. 

Been lovely chatting and good luck on your next cycle honey, I really hope it works for you next time xxx


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## lydiadanni (Apr 22, 2014)

I just looked on your profile and you're from Brighton, I'm from Hove! Which clinic do you use? if you don't mind me asking.

Your sister in law sounds like she has the perfect life... one word... unfair  

Just found a good quote to keep us and people like us going "Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But you can't make a rainbow without a little rain".

All the best xx


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## sickofwaiting (Jan 31, 2013)

Oh that's really sweet that saying! Oh how funny you are from Hove! We are at The Agora, how about you? xx


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## lydiadanni (Apr 22, 2014)

Yep, Agora too! I know it has a good rep and the nurses are so lovely, but I did find that they didn't really give us any info other than how to do injections! I assume my follow up from this failed cycle will be met with a meeting to discuss what went wrong/how to move forward? 

Hey atleast when we feel like our world is crashing down, we can at least know that we live in the best city in the country - in my eyes anyway! We have the summer approaching so lots of bbq's on the beach to look forward to xx


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Arghh that must have been so hurtful! I'm so sorry. It felt horrible to read it and it's not my friend! It just cuts so deep doesn't it.  Sending you a big hug  . 
In some ways I don't want to be treated differently, but at other times, like when I read a text like that, I think it would be so nice if people could be a bit more sensitive and just say something separately to us e.g 'baby arrived safely, weighs, bla bla'. I think it is so true that people who haven't experienced IF just have no idea how painful it is.  Hope you're feeling a little better now.


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