# Am I being overly sensitive?



## sidl02

So today I saw one of my clients. I'm a dog walker and was dropping off her dog.
She's absolutely lovely but she has a 4 month old baby. She knows nothing about my situation and today felt like a tough day for me as it hasn't been very long since I was told I have zero chance of conceiving and it's all very raw and painful. Anyway, she was holding her baby and asked if I'd like to have a hold. I didn't want to appear rude and I certainly didn't want to go into my circumstances so I said yes. She then said come and have a look at what we've done to the nursery. So I subsequently found myself admiring the newly decorated nursery whilst holding her baby. Now if you'd told me earlier today that this would be the scenario i'd be finding myself in I would have felt nervous about being able to keep my emotions in check and would have said it would have been the last thing I could imagine. However, despite my fragile emotional state I felt I handled it perfectly. My client would not have known for one minute what turmoil I've been going through and the pain of even seeing a pregnant woman. But she was so happy and I was genuinely so happy for her. And looking back it was actually a lovely moment to share with her. Anyway, I came away feeling so proud of myself. It was a real test of my emotions at a very vulnerable time. I was so pleased with my handling of the situation that I phoned my best friend and told her what had happened. And she asked "oh right, so you actually find it hard to hold a baby"? 
It just took me totally be surprise. We have spoken a lot about my emotional state at present and she knows how vulnerable and utterly devastated I am. All I could say was "yes of course I do". I don't know what I was expecting and I don't know if I'm just being overly sensitive but I guess I was hoping for "well done" or "that must have been really hard for you". I guess the reason for posting this is to ask if I am justified in feeling hurt by her response? Xx


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## Hopefulshell

Firstly, very well done for the way you handled the situation with your client. It takes real strength to put your feelings aside and be genuinely happy for someone who seemingly has the thing you most long for. In terms of your friend's reaction, no you aren't being over sensitive at all. If you've confided in her about your situation yet she says something as stupid as that, I'd question whether she actually has any comprehension whatsoever of your situation?! I'm sure she didn't intentionally mean to offend or upset you, but I'm not sure she 'gets it' if she's asking something 'obvious' like that. Of course holding a baby is going to hurt but you did a great job so be proud of what you achieved. With regards to your friend, either accept that sadly she doesn't understand as much as you'd hoped she had or else try to explain how you feel to her again if you need her support in future.

X


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## Cloudy

Well done you honey, I'm proud of you and you should be proud of you too  

I think it's probably that your friend is not sensitive enough, more than you being over-sensitive! Surely common sense should tell her, even if she doesn't comprehend your situation, that the fact you called to tell her must have meant it was a big important thing for you  

Like Hopefulshell said, I don't think she meant it intentionally, and I agree it's a pretty obviously easy thing to understand where you are coming from.

I hope that you can take away from this your own strength can surprise you, and hopefully this positive feeling overshadows the negative feelings about your friend.

I think going forward you need to do what's right for you: you can talk to her again and explain why it was a big thing, or you can accept that she probably isn't going to "get it". I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, just whatever is best for you  

Xxx


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## sidl02

Thanks ladies for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate your comments. Sometimes it's hard to know how much to expect from people to be able to appreciate what we are going through, despite not having experienced it for themselves. My friend is lovely and we've been best friends for over 25 years and as I've been on this journey as a single woman she has been privy to all the ups and downs of this difficult journey. Probably the reason why i was so shocked by her response. It certainly took the wind out of my sails, that's for sure. But despite her response, it hasn't lessened the fact I feel really pleased with myself for the way I handled something which was so difficult and at a raw time. It's shows what inner strength we have when we feel we have none. I felt empowered that I could put my own emotions to one side to enjoy a special moment with my client. It was a lovely moment seeing a woman excited and taking such pleasure from being a mummy. What's not to love, I would feel the exactly the same. I have never felt any anger or bitterness to any woman who's pregnant or has a baby. Of course I envy them greatly, but I also feel their joy. Anyway, thank you again. This journey is such a roller coaster of emotions that sometimes you start to question your rationale when it comes to dealing with other people's insensitive reactions/responses xxx


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## Dancing duck

I think you have been amazing - I could not have done that.
I guess your friend just does not understand how you are feeling so it didn't really occur to her.
I get it all the time with my sisters-in-law who all have kids and expect me to be picking up their babies and helping feed them etc and often just thrust a child in my arms to hold while they do whatever.
If they only knew how I was feeling or even gave a second thought that maybe i might find it difficult but they don't and so I find myself avoiding them which makes me look anti-social.


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## loudlikelove

I think that sometimes our feelings are hard to be understood by those that don't have the same issues or feelings towards our situations/motherhood. 

I went on a simple day out with friends, who are aware of my struggles, to an otter sanctuary to have it be mentioned as clear as day about what a wonderful place it would be to bring children. It wasn't malicious or meant to upset and I don't think your friend was meaning to upset you. It's just a complex situation with a minefield of emotions!


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## Miss Sunshine22

Hi Sidl

Well done for what you did. It showed great strength. 

I think people really have no idea, without meaning any harm. One of my good friends, who had gone through two miscarriages and years of infertility, finally got lucky just before starting their first round of IVF (yep, the urban legend is true  ) Despite having first hand experience of IF, and knowing our situation, she eagerly rushed to let me hold her baby when I went to visit her. I was really surprised she did it, but I guess she forgot? I know she meant no harm, as she's a lovely person. And actually, in a way, it helped me to hold her baby as it got me over the fear of doing it (if that makes sense) Another time, a colleague in work was bringing her new baby in to show him off. The baby was passed around to everyone to hold, in turn. We had just had our disastrous IVF3, where we were told it was game over for my OE. Unlike you, I couldn't face holding the baby, and was squirming on my feet, desperate to get out of it as he got nearer and nearer. When I mumbled my excuses, a colleague who knows our situation (and who struggled herself with multiple miscarriages) looked really surprised and said "don't you want to hold him?", but one look at my face silenced her.

I just think people don't always think about what is going on for others, and in a way maybe that's a good thing? I'd hate for people to be conscious of it and to be walking on eggshells about it. I'm sorry you felt upset by your friend. It perhaps shows that she doesn't really "get it", but then again I don't think that anyone who hasn't been through IF themselves would ever truly "get it". Hopefully, it doesn't mean she can't still be a good friend to you.


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## sidl02

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond to my post.
I agree with every comment you have all made. I feel that I am very sympathetic towards other people's handling of my situation. It is impossible for anyone to truly understand what we are going through. My friend is a lovely person and I know she would have meant no harm or malice in what she said. It's just so difficult to keep our emotions in check that I guess what others would perceive as no big deal, to us it is a major hurdle. The nature of the emotional and psychological impact that this has on us makes it difficult to know when we're being too sensitive and when we're justified by our surprise when it comes to tactless comments.
But despite what happened, I feel proud of myself of my handling of the situation. I am proud that I could share my clients excitement as I am truly so happy for her.
I think the bottom line is I have to expect comments that are not meant to hurt, but are made due to a lack of understanding of our feelings. Thank you ladies once again, your responses have been really comforting xxx


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## gettina

I know it was a while ago now but I want to give you a hi five anyway. You did great.
And you probably are a smidge over sensitive - we are all. That's just how it is.
And NO ONE who hasn't been through IF can give us the kid glove treatment we need (yes, need). They will disappoint us - it's not totally their fault - they just can't know.
But we know. So come on and tell us when you did great and when you need tlc.
And in the meantime, go you and all the best.
Gettina


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## sidl02

Thank you ladies,
I think I'm on a roll!   
Today I met another client who is heavily pregnant.  Her and her partner were telling me that she is booked in for a cesarean next week.
I was jovial and chatted away to her about her feelings towards it and whilst feeling that heartbreaking pain that we all feel, I still managed to remain positive and happy for her.  Which I genuinely am, I'm just devastated for myself that i'm not able to be in the same position as her.  But weirdly I draw some strength from the fact that depsite my inner turmoil I can share someones excitement and whilst feeling sad for myself I can feel genuinely heppy for someone else. That's quite empowering and I'm proud of myself for that.  
So thanks again, your understanding and support is also empowering!
xxx


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