# parents of singletons after ivf-looking for friends



## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

I feel like it need a group of people who get it and seeing as everyone i  know has more than one i thought i would see how everyone is dealing with this,  
I live in essex and would very much like to meet parents in the same situation.  My son is nearly 4 and has some differculties with socialising with other children.  I know my stress hasnt helped him.  
If anyone is local i would love to meet up.


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## kara76 (Dec 14, 2004)

Good idea. I would love to meet but I'm the otherside of the country boo bvoo


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

in same boat here, feeling like I'm a strange species in my area as I have a singleton ! I found a ******** group for parents of only children - but they are all USA apart from me !! so would be lovely to have some nearer comrades x x


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## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Yes love to meet up. 
I am in Herts. 
Kukixx


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

hi kuki 

i will pm you x


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

kuki your box is too full


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi Rachel

I have a 3 and a half year old only child.  I'm about to try for no2 with a known donor but being 40 I'm not sure of the outcome!  I'm near Herts x


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

hi amelia we will have to try and meet up where are you?


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

\i'd love to meet parents of singletons too, I'm leicestershire x x


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## lyns76 (Nov 14, 2009)

Hi,

can i join the group please !!!!

I have a 3 1/2 year old from my third fresh attempt, would love another but its not working out for us so far and funds have put a stop to things for a while.

I am so sure i wouldnt be feeling so upset about our situation if i had friends and family that only had 1 child, feel VERY much an outcast again and starting to alienate myself from certain situations/meetings......it sucks !!!

I am in Warwickshire !!

Lyns x


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

Hi Lyns 

I know what you mean about groups it gets to a point when its seems like you are the only one who is yet to go onto no 2 , i have lost contact with all of my nct group pretty much as my son has sensory needs which can affect is behaviour too and along with the onging strain of ivf and the financial drain it all can get to much when you are surrounded by people who can concieve naturally.  hope you find a way of staying in groups as it will be something you can work thru in time hopefully 

Rachel x


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## lyns76 (Nov 14, 2009)

Thanks Rachel,

Hope your son is doing well, can things improve in time with his sensory needs?

I am pretty much the same with my old nct group friends, i started to eep a distance when the kids started turning one and all the mothers started discussing when they were gonna start trying for number two !!

I honestly thought all this crap would be over once i held my little man in my arms but i can honestly say my desire for a second is just as strong as it was for my first, just wanna feel part of the norm if that makes sense and just start to enjoy my life again.

I am so in love with him and wish i could shae these feelings off but i guess we cant help how we feel.

take care,

Lyns
xxxx


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Rachel

I'm in the same county as you (will PM you) and also with the complication that my only child has special needs.  In some ways that makes it harder, because before I had my DD I had visions of what I would do with my child and what he or she might do, and I have had to rethink all of those (do you know the 'Welcome to Holland' piece?  That says it very well).  I feel that would have been easier if I could also have had a 'normal' child, and other mums having no2 with no difficulty at all just rubs it in.  

But then I look at some of the severely disabled children I have met, and people who have not been able to have children at all, and am very grateful to have my DD.  Nearly 4 years down the line I am now comfortable with the fact that I will only have the one child, but a bit worried for her in the long term once DH and I are no longer around, because she will have no siblings to look out for her.  

I'm afraid to say that one of the things I did to help get used to only having the one was to avoid the 'moving on with children' thread, as that just seemed to upset me when I thought I had got things sorted in my head.  

Rachel - I have met a good crowd of mums through the special needs groups.  They are all different, and some have several children and some only one - another mum the same age as me has an only child with Downs the same age as my DD.  Now that your DS has his diagnosis, you may find these groups easier for socialising as the other mums will understand if your DS's behaviour has an off day, and some have extra helpers to entertain the children so that the parents can chat to each other for support, but if you want to meet up, I will be happy to do so.

All the best
EG x


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

thanks EG

I have pm you and would love to meet with you, i have just been to my first special needs centre and it has been so refreshing to meet other parents who are dealing with S N  the only thing is i feel like maybe someone would think what she here for her son has only got spd if that makes sense.  But it has been a huge help so far and yes i heard welcome to holland in the course yesterday funnily enough i think i have heard it before it seemed familier, i know i am in holland but feel like i might be going back via italy if that makes sense.

rachel x


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi ladies, I'm practically in Scotland (Sunderland) and although we hit the jackpot with our very first icsi, I didn't get to start treatment til I was 39 - and I would have to meet the added costs of having EC under GA to access my right ovary next time as I only managed to get 4 eggs first time around from my left.

I suppose by the time we save up enough cash to fund a fresh icsi cycle, I'll either be too knackered to do it all again, or my body will let me down...whichever wayI look at it, financially and physically, I have to be realistic....it's not going to happen. 

I have soo many friends who are much younger than me, who had had all three 3 nhs attempts (and more) and still not been successful - so I feel guilty for wanting a sibling for Hannah - I don't suppose it helps that the water babies class before ours is now a class of newborns and the ache I feel to carry another baby is overwhelming at times.

But I look at my gorgeous girl and feel sooo lucky - don't think I'm ready to 'move on', I'm toying with the idea of a hysterectomy, as I have a recurrance of fibroids, which is where my infertility journey began - at 41 I don't want to give up the 'possibility' of never having another child. 

But yes, I do feel very isolated at times, it's 14 years since we had a little one in the family, and most of my friends have grand kids..... I've met some lovely ladies at water babies and soft play etc, but I feel I have absolutely nothing in common with them as most of the babies seem to have been 'mistakes'.

Sheila


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

thanks Sheila for your story , i was once told "you really want a baby" as i was paying for fet,some people who have babies unplanned have no grasp of what its like to be in an infertile marriage.


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

hi

can i join you too?

i have a DS agesd 3 from Yorkshire but will be moving in next few months to either notts or cambridgeshire

It is a bit isolating as all my nieces and nephews are not only children and are all contemplating their own lol!

Em


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

I brought this up with my h.v when Hannah was a 'baby' - there are parenting classes for teens, there are groups for young mums but there is absolutely nothing aimed at 'older new mums' - even my hubby gets to take Hannah swimming for free as part of a 'Dads and Kids' campaign - I have to pay to join in the watery fun ..... just feel that we are in a minority and overlooked at local level...so it's great to have a thread here on FF.

Hugs and best wishes to everyone
Sheila


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## georgia2 (Jul 30, 2008)

Hi. I can't meet up as am in Glasgow, but I was interested in Lyns and Rachel comments about become isolated from groups when the others go on to have baby number 2. 
I am becoming removed form my mums group. Every so often I make an attempt to join them, but often come away feeling quite down. I am fairly private about treatment and discuss it with only a few people. I can't imagine discussing it outwith a one-to-one situation. What have been others experiences of discussing treatment? Do you think it helps, especially in the situation with the groups of mums who probably haven't had treatment and also have a second child?


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Georgia - I steered well away from the 'chavs' but did meet some very nice ladies at water babies classes, and found that some of them were very interested to learn of our icsi journey, one of the ladies cousins was actually going through treatment so she wanted to learn everything so that she could provide her cousin with as much support as possible - but the others who had no preevious knowledge were astounded at the drugs, the scans, and everything we go through - they just thought you can't have babies, you go to a clinic and they remove your eggs and do all the hard work for you - but when I went back to work and had to move water babies classes I seemed to flounder a little - I stay in touch with some of the initial waters babies Mams via ********, but rarely meet up which is a shame.  The water babies class I am at now, the ladies are nice enough, but there is no social interaction at all, and I feel like an outsider at times because I wasn't in their group from day 1.


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

hi ladies

Im glad that all of you have shared your stories it really is good too hear that i am not the only one, life seems to be very stressful at the mo and we are now accessing a playgroup for special needs which is good.  Preschool hasnt improved though my son just hates it.  

rachel x


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## lyns76 (Nov 14, 2009)

hi girls,

When i went for my 6 wk scan at the fertility clinic after my succesfull cycle i saw a couple there that i knew from my home town, thankfully they didnt notice me there (treatment had only been made aware to very close friends and family) but even though it sounds harsh i was kind of happy that i finally knew someone else that needed help conceiving.
When the babies were born and we started going baby club she was there and we chatted a little, i let it slip about having ivf in the hope that she would open up to me and say that she too had help to conceive but she didnt say anything about it but i could tell that she completely knew what i was talking about.
To cut a long story short before my son started preschool i was fretting about once again being the only one there that wasnt expecting or already had number two but as i knew her little girl was starting too at least i knew that she would be there too and i wouldnt feel so alone......well guess what, at the play and stay session that we went to before they started she announced that she was 12 weeks pregnant.  Obviously i congratulated her but sobbed my eyes out when i got home.
I hate to sound so cruel cus she must be so happy but she was my kind of comfort blanket through this.  Got no idea if it was natural or she had treatment again.
Everytime i drop my son off now in the mornings i am looking around to see if i can spot any other mums that only have one child cus i am sure it would help me feel better.
I am trying my hardest to mix more with other mums that have more than one child but i am running out of excuses to tell people why i only have one !!!

Hope we can all get through this   

Lyns
xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Oh Lyns I feel for ya.... I've not had any comments as Hannah is still young (under 2) plus everyone knows Hannah was an icsi baby - so I suppose people are wary of upsetting me by asking if we're going to have another go.  but I found out the other day that one lady that I work with who also had treatment at my clinic is 16 weeks pregnant with a natural conception.... although I'm genuinely over the moon for her and her hubby, inside I'm so jealous and wish soo much it could be me - I always thought that having my icsi miracle would make my family and life complete...and I love my princess soo much that I really do feel guilty wanting a sibling for her.  

Sheila


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## Martha Moo (Jan 30, 2004)

Hi ladies

Oh iam so with you on the 2nd child thing, DS should have started preschool but due to his health condition hes not been able to, we moved to the area when DS was about 9 months old and i tried the groups but i didnt quite fit in since i was mid 30's every one else teen early 20's no one spoke to me and DS was ignored

There is one lady that is friendly and she had difficulty in conceiving (needed clomid) and her DS is in same class as DS we saw them out and about and she said ooh cant believe how big they are getting now we will have to have another! (she knows we had IVF well we had ICSI but myself and DH choose to say IVF to those not so close to us)
Mind that said she doesnt know i have no ovarys i just smiled and carried on!

DS is just asking for a brother and sister he would like one for christmas! *sigh*

Of course wouldnt change it for the world what i have i think that people think that once we have one (after IF) our worlds are complete  to a certain extent i think it is but i think its like a box of chocs, the first was divine and now you have tasted one you want the rest of the tray

Em


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## rachel1972 (Jan 2, 2007)

i like that analagie holly , i think that once you have been pregnant and experienced the whole miracle it is addictive and you defo want more of it however hard or scary the journey to get there.  

Lyns big hugs to you 

love to all  xx


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

I think I'd be happy with another 2 or 3 if they all came out like Hannah - who is an utter joy - funny, happy, easygoing.... dunno if I'd feel the same if she was a mare !!! 
My Mam always said if I came along first, and not my sister, she'd have stopped at one, dunno what she could've meant by that!!!
Sheila


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## lyns76 (Nov 14, 2009)

Ha, i now what you mean girls.
I must admit in a way i am kind of glad that i didnt have two little ones very close together as it has been a joy to have been able to give all my love and attention to Harry especially after what we went through to get him.  I have seen lots of my close friends stressed and running around and not being able to give attention to one at a time so that aspect has been nice.
Like i said if i had a few close friends with just one then i am sure i could move on easier but if i am honest having another is the first thing i think of in the morning and the last thing at night....doing my head in   

Harry too is a pleasure, so easy to entertain and a joy to have in our lives and my hubby is 100% happy to just have him in our lives........also Harry doesnt want a brother or sister when i ask him, he just says he wants a doggy !!!

I do sometimes wonder if its just that i want a BABY if that makes sense, they seem to ggrow up so so fast although i am loving this age !

Hope everyone is well

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## HazelW (Mar 6, 2009)

I know what you mean! I think I just want to be pregnant again, although not sure how special it would be this time round with less time to just enjoy it. Maybe surrogacy is the way to go for me! xx


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