# Friends Advice



## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Hello all

I need a bit of advice.  We've just completed out 3rd unsuccessful round of ICSI.  I have a dilemma.  I have always been open and upfront with 2 of my closest friends about our fertility struggles.  That was until this year when one of my friends unexpectedly announced that she was having twins through IVF.  I had no idea at all that they were struggling or even trying to be honest.  I respect her decision not to say anything but I'd poured my heart out to her, when I was at my lowest it would have been nice for a very close friend to just tell me she knew what I was going through and vice versa.  To top it all off my other best friend had said at Christmas that she was also pregnant, so my 2 good friends are pregnant and due within 2 weeks of each other.

I decided to have my 3rd ICSI without saying anything to them, they were both in such a happy pregnancy bubble I didn't want to depress them with my failures. 

The question is, I'm having everyone over in a few weeks time for a bite to eat.  I know they will ask me how things are going and if I'm planning any more rounds of ICSI, I just don't know whether to say anything or not.

What do you think?


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## Wishings15 (Mar 27, 2015)

Fertilityhawk -   I honestly feel for you and if I'm honest I'm surprised your having them over for dinner it just shows what a strong person you are

I'd suggest just mention that your taking a break until after the summer and going to relax a bit.

I'm surprised that your best free kept if from you when you were sharing, but some women just don't feel comfortable at all discussing it. Maybe a small hit would've been ok tho xxx


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

Sending hugs. That's tough. I'm speculating but maybe the friend who has had IVF promised her partner she wouldn't tell, or had issues that weren't hers to tell. I'd find that really hard though. 

I've prepped for telling people things in the past and then changed my mind on the day and vice versa. Maybe see how you feel when you see them. xx


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## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

You're really strong girl! If I was you I would have reacted so badly to all of that. 
I did same as you, I was very quiet about my 3rd ivf but one of my friend did know we're planning another round. 
When we met for a coffee after a while she asked me what happened, what stage we were, my ivf failed but I didn't want to say it so I just didn't say anything and when she insisted I just gave her a really nasty look, she then understood she should stop asking.
I am pro not saying, I don't know for me is better like this, of course I want to speak with people and take it off my chest but even when I did that I realised that people 1. Rarely care 2. Will never understand 3. Will give me their not asked advice...and most of the times is cr*p. 
I hope you'll find something that suits you 


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Thank you guys I think i'll just see what it's like on the day.  I probably won't say anything to be honest.  

when my friend told me she was pregnant with twins after 4 rounds of IVF I was absolutely stunned.  At first I felt betrayed and very hurt.  She explained that they'd taken the decision not to say anything to anyone.  She said there were times that she was desperate to ask my advice but she'd agreed with her partner not to say anything.

I'm getting over it now, but I must admit I feel a lot more guarded about what I say.

Aley - I know exactly what you mean about friends not understanding who haven't been through IVF.  A good friend who doesn't live near me, texted me yesterday and said "have you thought about going abroad"  Apparently she knows 2 couples who have been abroad and they use different drugs or something and it worked.  Just like that!  I sighed, started to reply to her text and then gave up.  She means well was just what I didn't want to hear.

This week is turning into the week from hell, my AF arrived on Monday, 5 days before my OTD was due.  This morning my beloved Granddad passed away.  He was 95 and had been very poorly for a few months.  He died peacefully in his sleep.  My heart is broken but he is at last at peace. 

I think it's time to open the wine tonight................


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## Rio2016 (Aug 24, 2016)

I'm so sorry about your granddad. What a week. Big hugs. Do tell your friends about your grandad. You need love and support. 

I think friends just want to "help" and just don't know how to take the pain away. They can't take the pain away but I find knowing that they are there helps. I've probably said the wrong things when friends have been heartbroken and bereaved. I'm about to read  the new Sheryl Sandberg book on grief and I think that gives tips on supporting loved ones.

I've found texting people before I meet them helps. I've also asked friends to text me if they are pregnant and not to tell me over social media, group or surprise situations. One friend wanted to surprise me in person with her baby scan and babies gender and I just text her and told her that was hard for me. Honesty can be good.

💞💞💞💞


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## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

Sorry to hear about your granddad. It's hard when on top of ivf heartache you have to deal with something like this.

While I understand what rio is saying about friends I still can't get over what some people said to me, maybe they meant well but they definitely didn't succeed. I think when you don't know what to say it's better to not say anything at all, or just say you're sorry and offer a shoulder to cry on. Also people should know not to give advice about something that they know nothing about. One my friend kept yapping about how great the czech clinics are and everyone she knows went there and got pregnant, I closed her mouth saying that's a great thing but guess what, I can't have treatment there because I'm gay! and then of course is there actually a wonder clinic that gets all the ladies pregnant and I missed it? 
I think it's important not to isolate yourself from friends and family, it's just hard when they are a pain in the **** rather then a support.


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## tentoes (Nov 8, 2016)

FertilityHawk - sending you a big hug. 

I agree with everyone, because I think what you do depends not only on what you want to do and how you feel on the day but on what your friends are like (and only you know that). 

I'm at a different stage to you, about to start round 1 of ICSI.  I told my friends, perhaps naively thinking that they'd all be supportive.  And a couple have been amazing (admittedly the ones who have also been through their own fertility struggles).  Others have been pretty uninterested and some have been downright awful and I regret telling them.  The latter are the ones with the know-it-all advice when in fact they know nothing (e.g., and these are real examples, the first three from one friend and the fourth from another friend: "acupuncture will fix that", "you just need to take these vitamins - my friend did that and got pregnant", "they stick 3 or 4 embryos in you these days so you are bound to get pregnant the first round" and "IVF isn't that bad - you might get pregnant in the first week you start the drugs and so only be on it for a week").  

It sounds like one of your friends at least, the one who went through 4 rounds of IVF, will know what you're feeling and could be really good to talk to and a good support.  Although I can also understand why you feel hurt by her not telling you her story sooner.  I would too.  

So I would trust your gut and see how you feel on the day without trying to make decisions beforehand - you know your friends and know what you need.  Good luck.  Sending lots of good wishes your way.  And enjoy that wine.


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## annasss (Feb 8, 2017)

*Fertilityhawk*, I want to say sorry to you. I see you have a rare disease that causes a lot of difficulties, I suppose you are brave as you decided to share your story with us. 
your problem is like a coin of two sides. From one side, you wanted to tell the truth and feel easier because you emotionally stressed and feel like you need to get free. But from the other side, you don't want to offend them as they are happy with their pregnancies, am I right?
Frankly, I were on your shoes I would tell everything because sooner or later they would know everything and it would cause more questions and insults. 
Of course, it's all up to you, just listen to your heart and everything will be ok, oh nearly forgot to ask, what your family thinks about it?


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

Annasss, thank you for your lovely reply.

So friends are coming around on Saturday, first friend is due to have her C section in early July, 2nd friend with twins is having her C section mid July so really this was the last possible point that we could all get together.  I have absolutely no idea what to cook, its quite informal during the day so I'm afraid that in my manicness I will probably go overboard  

Regarding whether to say anything to them or not, I've decided that if they bring it up then I'll say something.  Our story has changed a little since I last posted though.  We had a review with our consultant who strongly suggested if we were to do another round to go down the Donor Egg route.  This has left us reeling a little and not quite sure what to do for the best.

I still feel as though my friends are going to be in this lovely pregnancy bubble and then I'm going to ruin it all with my depressing woes.  I really don't want to put a dampener on the day but I also want to be honest with my friends.

You never know they might not even ask    then it will be problem solved


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

FertilityHawk 
I would suggest not to discuss fertility issues with anyone. It's too personal. Better to post here anonymously or talk to a counsellor. 
I had trusted one of my friends with our fertility struggles. She was a close friend from work. After I told her about my miscarriage she started avoiding me. This girl insisted that her and her husband didn't want kids. She also has serious gyneocologocal issues and would need treatment to conceive. After 5 months of avoiding me she one day called to tell me she is pregnant -unexpectedly- and that she is very worried because she has all these health issues etc. Amazingly she kept calling me for support? Wow. Anyway. Not my friend anymore.
The other one also had struggles with conceving and although she knew my miscarriage problems she chose to announce on my face bringing the scan with her. Now, to be honest I wasn't jealous or annoyed at all, but I wonder how some people think. I would never do that. I would first send a text message just in case the other infertile woman bursts into tears? 
Anyway. Keep posting in this thread FertilityHawk. I am
Here for you and will keep
Checking and making sure I keep you good company during your journey


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## annasss (Feb 8, 2017)

FertilityHawk, hope you are doing well and your Saturday was great as well. What have you cooked for them?
It's been a while we haven't talked here, what's new do you have? Oh, I'm curious about your friend who would have c section in early July? Is she ok? Does she have a boy or a girl? What about your friend with twins? 
Sorry you have to undergo egg donation ivf, I know it's devastating. We have passed one round recently, unfortunately I've got bfn.  
But we will undergo one more cycle just in some time, I want to take some rest, I would probably go hiking these weekend. Hope it will work for me 

Post edited to remove unnecessary quoting


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