# A Peter Pan & sports day pity fest



## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I've just returned from a 3 hour car journey with 2 work colleagues and they talked INCESSANTLY about their children.  Honestly, non stop, not a single other topic raised.  TTC for 2 years now and I know that I'm sensitive but it does make things very clear, people live for their children.  It is the most wonderful and special relationship that you will ever have and how natural it must be to be so focused on them.

I found out this morning that this month was another BFF (big fat failure), my husband is having a wonderful afternoon at his children's sports day that he didn't tell me about (I only found out that it's on because we work in the same place and I can see his diary) and I just wanted to cry for all of that miserable car journey.  I just don't feel like a complete woman, I have no responsibilities or unconditional love but for my dog.  I'm 39 and I still feel like I've not passed the bar into womanhood.  I'm Peter Pan, the woman who never grew up  

I'm lucky, I love my step children but how it hurts that my DH had children with another woman and now we're left with the consequences of the vasectomy reversal that he had in the same month that they split up.  Please don't get me wrong, I'm not a bitter step mother, I don't resent my husband's children in any way and I'm lucky to have them in my life.  It's times like this though that I just want to shout that this isn't fair.  My colleagues ask if I had children and I have to say no, but my husband does.  It's none of anyone's business, but they give you that pitying look like 'I wonder what's up with her, it can't be her husband as he has children', then you're suddenly cut out of the conversation.

But, we dust ourselves off and prepare for another month.  I'm nearly 40 though, I don't have many more months to count down anymore.

Sorry for the pity fest and thank you for listening.  I just need to tell someone before I put a big fat grin on my face and hopefully hear at least some details of yet another part of how wonderful it is for my husband to be a parent whilst fighting the sadness that it seems we'll never experience this together for a child of our own.....


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## Mooncat (Oct 26, 2012)

Hey Molly, sorry to read that you're having a tough time  Ug, other people and there child talk... sometimes it just gets too much. Sports day is the hot topic at the moment - my boss has her son's sports day this afternoon, she spent a good 15 minutes telling me about it this morning, really got to me for some reason, ended up going for a walk and having a bit of a sob at lunchtime. She knows all about my situation, but it didn't stop her. Not that she's the only one, most of my friends know we've had a failed IVF, but most don't seem to make the link that it's hard for me to hear how wonderful their children are 

Don't give up hope though, lots of ladies have babies (natural or IVF)  well into their forties, so no reason why you don't have a few years yet. Try not to compare yourself, you sound like an intelligent and caring lady, focus on what you do have. I'm a bugger for looking round at others and thinking 'why not me?' but everyone's life takes a different path. I'm sure your path will lead to kids of your own one day, just don't let the desire consume you, and don't think you aren't complete because it hasn't happened yet.

Keep your chin up and keep smiling


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you Mooncat.  Blimey, I just felt so sorry for myself yesterday but today is another day.  I would have festered like that for weeks not so long ago, I just need an outpouring every now and then now.

Thank you so much for listening xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i thought it was just me didn't feel like a grown-up. like nobody ever takes anything i do or say seriously because i'm somehow still only a child in everyone's eyes, until i somehow reach that magical parent status where people suddenly know everything... it's sort of good to know i'm not alone in the peter pan feeling! hugs molly x 
i honestly don't know how to get anyone, at all, to ever treat me like an adult. everyone looks at me, sees i don't have children and assumes i am young... i'm 43! some people are grandparents but younger than me. my neighbour on explaining why she hadn't invited me to her husbands funeral (she's 86) said '...and you're only young'... i felt like she thought i was about 10 or something... too young to deal with death? and if i finally do get to be a parent i think i will somehow almost skip 30 years and suddenly be treated as if i am their grandparent and have to keep explaining that no i'm not...


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## Keeping busy (Apr 13, 2011)

I just want to send you a big


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Love to you Goldbunny.

We hide behind the fact that we're so advanced and developed but it's not true.  Just fizzing beneath the surface is the fact that we all still have to go through this tribal rite of passage into adulthood.  For men, it's off in the business world but for women childbirth is still our route into adult society.

I really do get the feeling of this childlike status and the fact that people just don't take you quite seriously unless you have children - the magical parental status.  That deathly few seconds too long of quietness when women who were happily chatting away to you just moments before suddenly don't know what to say when you admit to not having children.

Or the confusion that stepparenting brings with instant children and situations that you have no idea about.  I just want to learn and make mistakes and find a way forward like every other parent living with children but the dreaded 'you'll understand when you have children' or 'you don't understand because you're not a parent'.  How can me not liking toothpastey spit all over the bathroom sink have anything to do with me not being a mother?  

Does that make me any less of a woman?  I guess that I've convinced myself that it does, but it's not because I want it to it's because that's how it feels it is.  I suppose that going through infertility takes away some of our armour and we allow this to happen when we should fight back at such rudeness and insensitivity.  You'd think that with all of the supplements that we take, at least one of them would be some sort of superwoman shield!  If only I was a chemist, I could make millions.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

for me the worst part was the day of my 12 week scan where i went from in the morning believing i was on the verge of being accepted into the neighbourhood, the community... able to announce i was pregnant and then attend ante natal yoga and talk over the fence about kids stuff and later get invited to stuff, to realising that the dream was all over (for then) and that tomorrow would be another day of social isolation... i could almost cope with childlessness if there were some magical world i could hide in where it would be enough to just be me.


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Been there and got the t-shirt.... I painted on a smile and hid behind my cheery outgoing personality for donkeys years - I used every excuse under the sun - too busy enjoying myself, too selfish for kids, can't afford kids, didn't even want them !!!  - All the while I was in bits inside - every month the heartbreak of yet another period...it went on for such a long time, my friends' kids were getting pregnant!!!! I was left well and truly behind.  We did manage to get pregnant once, and I cried with joy telling family and friends, we also decided to open up to the fact that we'd been trying for 8 years (we visited our gp but was fobbed off - being too young at the time!!) - I had my ICSI treatment at the age of 39 - and for us, our dreams came true, and dd was the best 40th pressie EVER.

Now sadly, I've turned into one of those irritating parents - and no doubt get on peoples nerves....but at least hubby and I were 'in it together' - i don't know how I'd have coped with having a step child.  

And yes, it aggrivates the life out of me when poor excuses of Mothers (and I use ther term very lossely - can just belt little ones out without a care in the world - but soo many of my wonderful friends, who could make the best Mammies ever are stuck in limbo.

I just count myself extremely blessed - I hope your dreams come true too - it might be a very long and hard journey - but being on the other side now, I am soo grateful for my journey - as I truly appreciate my little miracle x

Hugs and babydust to everyone
Sheila


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