# BFN again! Grieving but trying to figure out next step....



## Crimson9 (Nov 1, 2009)

17dpo and BFN again. Time to accept its over this cycle....yet again. Haven't been able to stop crying all morning. I feel like I can't move or function I'm so trapped in grief. My daughters had chocolate for breakfast thats how bad I am!

Anyhoo, hub just went to bed without a word (he works nights) so I can't even talk about what I need to say, though gonna wait until my  DD's at school later so hopefully we can talk properly. She's just over 3yrs old and goes part time pre-school.)

Basically I HAVE to go back to the docs by the 16th if I am going to get more progesterone. But I don't know if I want to? This charting and waiting is driving me to insanity. I am undecided whether to just let my cycles run naturally (with a short luteal phase so chances of bfp almost nil) until the doc will refer me for Clomid? Thats not going to be until next year.... She said 'come back 6mths'. That was in September...so does that mean March? Or will 6 cycles count, although that roughly equals the same but if i don't take progesterone I might have shorter cycles....or should I try to get in a little sooner.....?

Or do I continue with progesterone in case there is a chance I catch before needing to have Clomid? Just frustrating that to take Progesterone I have to know when I ovulate which means I have to use OPK's and/or chart...which is keeping me trapped in this ttc-hell and not able to relax and 'forget about it'. If only my LP was OK on its own I could just b'd every two days all cycle and leave it at that!

Next comes hubs part....I was thinking he really needs to do his sperm test this Friday so we get his results before I go back to the doctors. Thats what I am going to tell him later and he's not going to like it! He wanted to wait and see if fixing my 'issue' would work first. This is only my second cycle using progesterone....But my options above - progesterone or no - really depends alot on his SA as if they are no good then what is the point? If he finds out now then he has time to try to improve them before I get to Clomid....

My daughters teacher at school yesterday told me she tried for 5yrs for her son (not sure if that was 1st, 2nd or what child) and yet concieved when she stopped trying AND whilst on the coil!!! I really want to stop trying so hard but its so hard not to! Thats why I am thinking a break over Christmas might be good...but then without the Progesterone I might miss a chance more? Aghhhh....so so hard  .

Of course other thoughts are 'what if we can never have more?' What if hubs sperm makes it impossible - or my body - or whatever. HOW do we come to terms with that? 

I know we're blessed to have one child...and that was stressful waiting and trying too. I only fell pregnant when I had given up hope. But its harder now in some ways than before as she really needs a brother or sister to play with and the more time goes by the more heartache I have knowing she is going to be so much older than no2 IF we even get a no2!


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## mariabelfast (Nov 2, 2009)

i've a daughter also, 7 yrs old conceived after 1 month trying & we've been TTC for 6 yrs 2nd time round! Tried clomid for yr and had 3 cycles of IUI, took a break and then decided to have ivf. It was cancelled due to POR am now kicking myself that we waited so long to do ivf as all that time my egg qulity & quantity was getting poorer. based on my experience my advice would be take a short break and if you're still really determined go for ivf. Im 35 and thought there'd be loads of time unfortunately not. Trying icsi in jan   hoping for success as cant afford another cycle. Chat to your DH and look at all your options I know its easier said than done but try not to get too downhearted. Read some of the success stories for a bit of faith.
Take care,
Maria


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