# Need to 'reframe' - help required!



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi my luvly girls!

I've got to spend Saturday night at a do with a woman who is heavily pregnant, and her baby is due almost to the day when mine was. I will have a good few friends and family there who know about our situation. This will be helpful when I'm crying in the loo, but will otherwise make me feel I'm being watched for signs of cracking, in the nicest possible way. I have absolutely no choice but to go, as the do is for my husband's cricket club and I want to be there for him, especially as he usually gets an award for best bowling averages! 

I felt really down about this last night but couldn't get online to talk about it. Hubby is really poorly with a cold so didn't want to burden him. 

The pregnant woman also knows about me, and the sad thing is that she is pretty new to my village, and if it weren't for her pregnancy I would probably have become great friends with her, she's very nice. For a while it was easier to see her as I knew she had endometriosis and believes that after 6 years of trying she only got pregnant because of reflexology, but as my due date approaches, this information no longer softens the blow of seeing her bump. 

When we were all having that whole bl**dy adverts discussion it really helped me to look at that in a different and better light, and now I don't need to switch them over. What I need to try and do is 'reframe' this upcoming event iin a similar way so I have some inner resources to rely on while I am there. 

Any ideas - humour welcome!

Leoarna xxxxxxxx

ps I know that I probably have been in worse situations than this over the last few months, but I think my energy levels for coping are wearing very thin at the moment....


----------



## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi Leoarna
This is a real toughie - because it seems you like this lady - and she has gone through some trouble herself from what you say...I really understand that feeling of being 'watched' by well meaning friends and family - they DO mean well, but sometimes people knowing' is really a double edged sword...However - the fact that there will be people there who do know about how difficult this is for you is a good thing in a way - because it means you won't have to pretend to be jolly and happy when you feel like c*ap inside. My advice would be to see it like a difficult sea crossing that you know will pass - you just have to ride it out somehow, the best you can. I would take the pressure off yourself right now and just be honest about how you're feeling - if you need to cry, then cry - it sounds like your friends and possibly even the pg lady would really understand...I often find that I force myself to be over-cheery in this situation, only to crash at a later date - and I am constantly being emotionally not honest about how I really feel - which I don't think helps anyone really. If you don't feel like smiling leoarna - DON'T!!

I do believe that you can do it - think of how pleased your dh will be that you are there. Plus, I'm sure all your friends will be so pleased and proud of you for being there _at all _ in the circumstances. Most of all, think of us here, supporting you - and know that once you're through to the other side, you can come here for safe harbour and comfort!

Good luck, rubes xxxx

ps not sure where the sea voyage analogy came from!? Its really windy here today - maybe thats it?


----------



## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Dear Leoarna and Ruby

This one is tricky, but I do like your suggestion ruby.
The way I would deal with it and Ive started using this more and more, Try not to think about the do until the last minute, if you do have to think about it, think of all the positives ie: what you going to wear, how you going to do your hair, spending hours in a big bubbly bath before hand to relax yourself.
Then on the day try to plan your day a few hours at a time, what you will be doing up to midday, then up to about 4pm, then concertrate on getting yourself ready.By the time you are ready to go out you know you only have a few hours to put on your happy face (if you want to ), before you know it, you will be on your way home.

Sorry to waffle but its the only way I know how to cope in these situations now,dont look at it as a whole day to cope with but a few hours, by breaking it down it will soon be over (just like rubys suggestion )

I know this probably doesnt help much, but you will get through it because you are becoming stronger and remember we are rooting for you.

love karen    xxxxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Leoarna

Is there anyone there with whom you can have a 'signal' if you need to escape for a while? Having someone to be there for you so you can go off and find a bolthole is a real help if you think things are going to get tough on the evening. It also helps to 'dissassociate' yourself with this lady - when I say this I mean that I have found it a real help in the past to disassociate any of my pregnancies with others who have been expecting or due around the same time as me - I have looked upon it as that being a facet of _their_ life as opposed to mine, and because of that what they do with their life is none of my concern - its hard to explain it here but I hope you get what I mean  anyway, that theory has been my lifesaver on more than one occassion because I have been surrounded by others pregnancies when I have lost each one of mine 

May I also be daring here and say that just because this lady is currently preggers does not mean you will not be able to form a good friendship with her at some point in the future... who knows what heartache has happened in her life and what this pregnancy means to her - I know you know she has had problems ttc but we all have hidden aches and sorrows... sorry if this sounds crass here hon, I know its difficult for you at the moment - but she won't always be pregnant, if you know what I mean? And if you do genuinely like her, it just seems a shame to me to isolate yourself from her from here onwards. Who knows what the future holds for any of us 

As for humour - think of all the blue veined cheeses you can eat, and all the other lovely food you can scoff without fear of heartburn (I hope there is food there)?! and all the alcohol you can ply yourself with - and all the silly dances you can instigate - get the cricket team doing the conga in and out of the toilets... I know I would - even if I had to do it one legged 

Thinking of you honey x

Lots of love from me xxx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

All brilliant and meaningful suggestions - THANK YOU. I feel better just for posting and receiving your support.......


Anyone else?

love and gratitude, 

Leoarna x


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Ummm. These occasions are always tricky, I've got one of my own horizon at a family bash coming up and I can relate to the sense of being watched for any signs of "cracking".

I was once told that if you put a black dot in the centre of a white piece of paper and focus really, really closely on the black dot, your brain plays a trick on you and the dot gets bigger and bigger until you can bearly see the white of the paper. Conversely, if you focus on the white around the dot, the dot gets smaller and smaller until you can hardly see it.

So for this purpose, treat the lady as your very own personal dot and concentrate on the white around the dot by turning the focus of this event away from the lady and back onto yourself and your wonderful hubby.

Face the fear and do it anyway (as they say). Have you thought about going out looking _absolutely fantastic_? If you feel they're going to be looking at you, you might as well give them something to look at. Get your hair done, have a manicure, splash out on expensive undies, take the plunge and get that Brazilian or do whatever it takes to bring the focus of the evening back onto your otherwise happy union.

I like your idea emcee of the "sign", I might try that one myself at the family bash which will be focused entirely around the latest arrival of the clan.

Gotta dash

flipper


----------



## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Leoarna

As usual the girls have offered you great advice already.

My advice was going to be similar to Flipper's regarding looking a million dollars so you feel good about yourself on the night and have a couple of drinks!  The pg lady will have to worry about people seeing her swollen ankles and varicose veins while you will look effortlessly lovely and if people are looking at you it's probably cos of those lovely pale blue eyes of yours and not to see if you are 'cracking'!

Just remember you are not specifically 'going to see her' but rather to accompany your husband and she just happens to be one of the crowd!  Just a dot (I liked that Flipper) ...... 

Good luck Leoarna  
xxx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!!!!!!

Going to make a list of all the ideas and systematically put them all into practice. I feel much better than I did 8 hours ago. 

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you - again!!!!!!!!!


Pipkin - thanks for the 'blue eyes' compliment! Funny that you raise it, as my hubby calls me blue eyes and says that they are one of his favourite features (there are others, but I probably shouldn't list them here......!) How are your sales? 


big luv, Leoarna xxxx


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Leoarna

Sorry that i haven't replied a problem with my computer...
Hey everyone some real great suggestions something that i will think about in the future...
I think you have two things going on and thats dealing with your own loss and meeting this lady who is having a baby the same time as yours would have been. A very tough an emotional situation that you are going through....
I also have a strategy like Emcee. I usually discuss with my hubby beforehand the possible things that will happen at that night. So that you both understand and you are both intuned with your feelings. I only have to look at Paul and he knows i want to go, or i need to go to the toilet for a cry. He always covers my tracks..
And i know this sounds like an old cliche, but could you ring or drop this lady a line to let her know that you may find it difficult to socialise with her on the night...You sound as if you like her, as all the other girls haven mentioned and maybe just to be honest will help lift your spirits. 
Or the most important thing is, if you do not want to explain is to look after you and your hubby. Just deal with it the best way you can and leave if you have to..Do not put yourself under added pressure as Karen said, deal with the evening when you get there..
Think of yourself...
love astridx


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Good luck for the coming weekend Leoarna, we'll be thinking of you.

flipper


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Yes Leoarna

Go knock 'em for six - am rootin for you gal, and you know where we are if you need us!

Lots of love & strength to you
Emcee xxx


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Leoarna
Thinking of you!!!
Keep in there! You are definately an inspiration and i admire your strength. Hard as it maybe, if you need to express how you feel we are here, once you get through the weekend...

lots of love astridxx


----------



## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

hello Leoarna, I've just got back from holiday and read your post. It sounds like you've got some great advice (except about the Brazilian -ouch! I'd rather have a hundred egg retrievals - at least they give you drugs for that.)

As for me I usually find that I disintegrate mostly when I'm busy telling myself that I can't. 

Just as I was getting dressed to go the church when I got married someone gave me a gin and tonic - worked a treat!

take care and just be your wonderful self.

Lots love


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Thank you girls, you've helped me so much - am just about to leave and don't feel half as bad as I thought I might.....


Love, 
leoarna xxxxx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

I survived1

I took all your comments printed out with me in my handbag. I thought of all of you often. I cried a bit, danced a bit, laughed more than I thought I would. My chums were great, and I did talk to the pregnant lady who was really sympathetic;so much so that I even managed to give her belly a rub and say that I would look forward to knowing that all is well and the baby has arrived safely - and I meant it. The only way around fear is through, but knowing you were all rooting for me made such a difference!

Thank you so much for being there fore me when I needed it!


Leoarna xxxxxxx


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Leoarna,

I'm glad the night went better than you thought it would.  That's the great thing about this site.  Not only is it a place to come and chat to people who understand, but it reminds us that we are not alone and has removed that horrible feeling of isolation for me many, many times.  I've often found that thinking of all of you lovely ladies when times are hard, has given me a newfound strength.  This is so invaluable isn't it?

I think sometimes we can worry about such events so much and work ourselves up into such a frenzy, that we can sometimes surprise ourselves when the even actually happens!

I think you did extremely well.  You found strength from all the lovely girls here, but you allowed yourself to acknowledge your own feelings too.  You didn't try to brush them under the carpet or run away.  It sounds like you found a "balance" and you should give yourself a huge pat on the back girl.  This is a huge milestone.

But most of all, it sounds like you remembered how to have fun too!!  You must be feeling really proud of yourself.

Well done, and I'm glad you found the strength you never thought you had
All my love
Gill xo


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

flipper


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Way to go Leoarna!

I am soooooooo delighted to hear how you fared hon. Good on you for facing your fears head on, you are a courageous lady. You are an inspiration! I'm so pleased you got through it ok, and so proud to know you. 

Lots of love to you
Emcee x


----------



## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Leoarna

Oh babe I am so PROUD of you.  
You have been so brave,you found the strenght to do it.

Senading big hugs

Karen  xxxxxxxx


----------



## SwedenSam (Feb 1, 2005)

Ok that I join in?

SwedenSam (Samantha)


----------



## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

leonarna!
Nice one girl - you've done yourself proud (and us!!)   
well done
ruby xxx


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Leoarna
You are an incredible person that seems to find a way through in the end.....You did it!!!!       

Lots of love astridxxx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

First time I've had a chance to come on line properly, and here am I being greated by all those amazing messages. I've been lucky to have good friends in my life, but the way we all fight for each other's corner on this site just blows me away every day and renews my faith in human nature.......

Thank you, I honestly don't know where I'd be without you. 

Love, Leoarna xxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Well done Leonora!!! I did something similar in sept when i attended my fil's 80th and their 60th ann all in one week with a 6 month pg niece!!(dh's) and the other niece who has had 2 kids in 2 yrs. Wasnt strong enough to go to the christenings at the time as going thru iui but made myself go this time. i was HUGELY proud of myself and you should be too!!!


----------



## karen j (May 19, 2004)

Hi everyone

I know this might sound alittle tacky but reading these posts have reminded me of a good saying

Together we stand    divided we fall    

When we have a difficult time to get through, we think of each other and we gain the strength to get through, I love this site.

Sending you all   
karen  xxxxxxx


----------



## Gen (Dec 9, 2004)

Wow,

I've just been reading through this stream and I have to say *Thankyou* for sharing such excellent advice.

I feel so much more empowered dealing with my own fears, especially in challenging social situations after reading your posts.

I'm not sure what's next and I wanted to see what "Moving on" - deciding and accepting is all about and I can see straight away that I would be in good company - truly amazing and inspirational.

Leoarna - I'm proper impressed well done .

Thanks again for sharing your good advice, I'm going to print this off for future reference too.

Gen xOx


----------

