# Am I doing this all wrong?



## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

Little Red was placed with us early Dec (17 months).  We have a 10 yo birth child with autism (Big Red).  We were always very open with sw that we would need to do things a bit differently - we can't just not do his things for a few weeks. I've also been very honest about myself - I'm not someone who is good at being in the house all the time, its not good for my mental health so need to get out even if just for a walk.
Placement has generally gone really well, we've had a few ups and downs but has actually gone much better than we could have expected.  We had always said we would have family in at Christmas but its never big anyway -mil came to stay for 3 nights, my parents live round the corner so they popped in in the afternoon while mil and dh were cooking.  Christmas Day was fab - Little Red on great form, Boxing Day bit mixed but we coped, no major issues.  27th dh and Big Red took mil home and stayed with her for 2 nights, me and Little Red stayed home. It wasn't easy, Little Red was unsettled and we are having some independence battles (she just started to walk independently the day before we met her and now is determined to walk everywhere (no pushchair!) and then wants to be carried when tired - not always possible - but she screams when not getting what she wants - this is quite a lot because she only uses a few words at the moment so you don't always know what she wants.

She is a very strong character already.  I had already realised a couple of days ago that I was starting to use some negative words about her behaviour, eg 'control' and I have been trying very hard not to do this since.
SW came yesterday, we've normally had a very good open relationship, so when she asked how Christmas had gone I told her some good some bad - probably far too much.  I feel that we got majorly told off - shouldn't have done what we did at Christmas, I'm using negative words and thoughts - this is very concerning, we shouldn't be going out, I shouldn't be expecting her to eat her own food (while boys were away she only wanted to eat whatever I had in my hand even if she had the same on her plate - she'd want mine and throw hers away so I was struggling to eat and drink)....

Please don't get me wrong, I know we are getting lots wrong, some right and we are just trying to work it out every day.  I'm sure some of my expectations are unrealistic, and some things may not be the ideal but they are just what we have to do as we have another child who has needs to.
When she left (after staying 2 hrs across lunch time so both kids were grumpy and out of routine!) I just felt a complete failure, like we'd both been majorly told off, and am now ever more confused about if we should be going out, never going out or what!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey Brummig,

Firstly their is no right or wrong as it has to suit you and your family. From your earlier posts, little red seems to still be a bit unsure of visitors in her space so where possible I would look at things to help her feel comfortable ie for us we kept visitors to hear minimum and visited SW at office on some occasions, no visitors past the stair gate and family came in every room but HV etc was kept in main living room. No visitors at eating times and only us at dinner table. 

Were a family if 3 so we could. We did go out most days but kept things simple - parks, supermarkets, coffee shops and not others houses as these were things that unsettled our little guy. We relaxed things along the way as we felt more secure.

Little man still wants what mummy has and will prefer my plate if we are somewhere new even if it's the same but this fades so I just go with it. Oh and fed a lot too I've just learnt to adjust how I eat one handed mostly lol

I can't recall what age lil red is but presume 10-14 month stage which we had been told was a very difficult age for them to move at - we definitely found this. Kids that age are needy/Independent/stranger aware & into everything so the adoption layer just complicates things. I found I couldn't do much housework during his waking hours for first 4months and I found that quite limiting. I had to change my expectations greatly but doing that made things much better.

Your lil one is sleeping & eating well and bonding each day so there's lots right. Think over SW advice without emotion and see if you can see any valid advice but at the end of the day she's your daughter now and you know your family best.

Big hugs and try not feel bad - SWs will be out of your life soon and they're not there when you have bad moments per se so you just need to do it your way.

Ps I said No & Dont a lot in early weeks as it just kept coming off my tongue and LO pushed a lot too. It's not damaged our bond in anyway as we kept up the keep close mantra and I did lots if the skin to skin and rocking activities that are recommended for bonding.

My LO has been home 11.5 months & coped exceptionally well at Xmas but we've had to keep things simple for a few days as the excitement & break in routine resulted in a LO who was a bit manic/hyper (not really how you describe him). Routine back & lots of mummy daddy time and he's getting back to his normal self.

I hope this helps and purely suggestions as I don't want you to feel more pressure.
X x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

You're doing a great job for the first few weeks!! 

My son came home early December (5 years ago) and I can really see why children are not usually placed around Christmas time.......  We had no decorations up, kept his routine as much as possible, only saw my parents for a few hours in the afternoon but still he was a little unsettled. 
So for your LO it would have been a hugely anxious time, strangers coming in, strangers leaving, then the people who she is starting to bond with left    I know and you know what was happening really, but that is how it would seem to your LO    
So in answer to your question, yes, that was wrong to do, but, you have acknowledged it and can adjust things   

Have in your mind, routine, routine, routine.  No you don't have to stay home, go out for a walk, go to the park etc but make sure lo is with you 24/7.  Let her claim you, yes give her your food, do (to some extent) what she wants you to do.  The 'rules' of life can come later. 
Try to keep everyone at a distance for a while, you just need DH, big & little red and you.

xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hey Brummig, don't let your SW make you feel bad, they haven't got a clue what it's like bringing home a traumatised child.  Yes, you probably made lots of mistakes, who doesn't?  All we can do is our best, and try and change the things that aren't working.  It can be very hard not to be negative with kids at this age, because they're just getting mobile and into everything they shouldn't be and we have to say "no" to a lot of what they suddenly find they can do, but yes, getting a balance is important, and often I find not even bothering with "no" or "don't" and simply sweeping them up and moving them and getting them into something else can feel more positive.

As Wynnster says, routine is very important, and will help over time, but it doesn't have to be staying at home.  

I would be inclined to humour any desire for babying in a child this age, it will really help you and her in the longer run, but it's hard.  Wyxling almost never wanted babying and I seized on anything at all that she did want me to do for her, like carrying, and just did it as much as I could.  I desperately wanted to be able to baby her and she was just fiercely independent and fought about everything.  Bladelet often wants babying, but it's really hard sometimes with another demanding toddler there.  I tend to find that even if it's something that's damn inconvenient, embracing it in the first instance works best.  Both Bladelet and Wyxling have gone through phases of wanting to only either walk or be carried.  With Wyxling I just carried her, within reason.  She was a big girl - 32lb at 19 months - but within a few weeks I could carry her half a mile or so if I needed to.  With Bladelet it's harder, because I've often also got Wyxling, and I need to take the buggy out, and trips are sometimes longer etc, but I tend to go with letting him walk, when he wants a pick up I scoop him up for a huge cuddle and say what a lovely idea it is, then put him in the buggy.  Wyxling often wants to be fed now Bladelet is here and I sometimes still feed him, and it's a right pain in the backside when I have to feed both of them, but again, I just tell her it's fine to be a little baby and Mummy loves looking after her, and feed her a couple of spoonfuls, and she normally changes her mind.  I'd be inclined to just feed her/put both your plates in front of you if that's easier, do whatever you can to keep her close and baby her, and try and enjoy it as much as possible.

Hope you have a better few days and things settle down now,

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Christmas is such a hard time and no matter how hard u try it just isn't possible to keep it normal. Unless u cancel it and don't leave home have tv on etc, everywhere is different.  Our bubba came home 10 days before xmas 2011 and it was awful we threw our tree out the front door on boxing day and took all decs down she just could not cope. Xmas 2012 was marginally better and this xmas was fab. 
You did what was right for you all maybe it wasn't right for lo but big red needed it either way u would probably have had 1 set of challenges to deal from one or other child. Whats done is done have some real intense family days and it will all balance out again.

You are mummy and don't let anyone tell you, you are not doing an amazing job.  Happy new year onwards and upwards xx


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## Sunshine7155 (Sep 30, 2013)

Hi there,

I have to say my son was placed just before Xmas and it has made everything so much harder! Everyone saying'what a wonderful time to have a child placed' but in reality it has been extra stressful and has made it hard on our son. He has met so many people that he might not have met so quickly had it not been Xmas! His routine has been messed with and to be honest Xmas just got in the way of us trying to get to know him so I can't wait for normality so we can finally get to know him!

Please don't be harsh on yourself - you are don't a amazing job I am sure and it is brimming hard work - I have had the shock of my life haha in a nice way though and we had an 'incident' with one of the many sws the other week which caused upset to me too but they can be quite judgemental at times!  The main thing is you know in hour heart you are doing your best and yes we will all make mistakes! We are humans after all.  I am getting better each day and they will for you.

Big hugs and keep going matey xxxxxx


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

Thank you all for your support. Yesterday was a better day even though  I had to go for a hospital appt which meant leaving Little Red again, but DH was there with Big Red.  DH had sent a long email to SW following on from meeting, so she rang yesterday (just as we were sitting down for a late breakfast and spent 30 mins on the phone while ours went cold, and kids got upset!)  We sorted some things out, some we will never agree on and can't change, but I think it was important for her to realise that  what she thought had been quite a positive meeting had felt very different to us.  She wanted to come out and see us the first day Big Red is back at school. We eventually agreed on the Thurs so that we can have a few days to get into a routine.

She is 18 months now, but she was 8 weeks prem so developmentally more like 16.  

We have reorganised table so she sits next to me, and opposite DH, not at the head of the table, and meals have been better (although these have all been as a whole family, not tried just me and her yet).  She didn't want to get in highchair yesterday, so I gave her a big hug, then put her in, she screamed and tried to get out for a minute, while I went to pick up her thrown cutlery she saw the boys starting to eat and stopped a moment. DH suggested that I just started eat.  I did,  and she just picked up her fork and started to eat!  So we just all got one with it, not too much attention on her, just occaisional praise "Look Big Red, Little Red is eating her dinner, she likes the meat...."

We can't take Christmas down yet as that would cause meltdown by Big Red, but we kept it quite low anyway - 2 small trees on bay window, 3 tinsel garlands on pictures, a couple of ornaments and cards.  Its DH 50th on 7th Jan, sadly for him it will be very low key.  Its also the day Big Red goes back to school.

I think we got a bit complacent because she has done so well and many of the things we thought would be a real problem have been fine.  Sometimes we need to remind ourselves what I have accused other people of forgetting - if we had had a baby 4 weeks ago we wouldn't have been expecting to get out much or get anything done!  

Like you FC1234 I'll be glad when its over in many ways so we can get into a routine, although it will be harder because DH will be back at work so it will just be us! Thank you all.  Hope you have all survived!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Glad you are feeling more hopeful Brummig. Personally I found DH going back to work great - daunting at first - but I kept to the routine and it really helped. DH was fab and was home early etc which I was glad of as that hour before dinner being started/ ready was awful as that was LOs worst hour (FCgave me good reasons why this was the case as he had been same in FC). 
X


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Our bug came home early Dec in 2012, when he was just two.  We don't count that first Christmas as our first Christmas, as we were all in such shock to the system it was nothing like a normal Christmas!  We didn't see any family or friends and barely went out, although I made a rule early on to get out for a walk in all weathers as close to daily as possible.  Bug was always better for that.

But obviously with a ten year old, too, you can't do all that!  Don't worry, lots of family time, routine, and babying and reassurance will get you well back on track, and whatever your SWer thinks, it's her job to support, not undermine you.  ((((((hugs))))))

Even at 2.5, Bug wanted to be fed some things and wanted to eat with his hands, which drove DH crazy, but I insisted we didn't turn meal times into a battleground and just went with the flow, and now he's fine.  As he approached his third birthday, he started to get anxious, so I invented some bath time 'baby' games where we cuddle like he's a baby and sing silly songs etc - the message was he might be growing up, but he could still be my baby if he wanted.  Both reassuring him about not having to grow up too fast, and putting in some of those baby moments he missed.  He LOVES the 'Baby Boy' game, and still now is really adamant that he is "NOT a baby, and NOT a Big Boy, I'm a Little Boy!"


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

doing better.  Day 3 of DH at work and no major disasters.  How is it though that I am so tired when she (and me) are sleeping really well - feel pretty mank - and my arm muscles are killing me from all the carrying.  Feeling like she's been here forever - in a good way.

struggling for lunch ideas though - any suggestions? She's not keen on bread.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

It's because as soon as they wake you are constantly on the go, little pink sleeps through but either way I'm knackered!! All the lifting, carrying, up and down the stairs, playing, planning ahead etc, don't underestimate it   Our little pink doesn't really like bread either but loves anything with a crunch. Her favourite things are rice cakes, rivita crisp breads or crackers with cream cheese. Also likes pitta bread with cream cheese again or houmous, and will occasionally eat cheese on toast. We have tried tortilla wraps but it was a no go! But maybe little red would enjoy? Good luck


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Breadsticks breadsticks and breadsticks.  

I found that I was knackered but the hardest thing was THINKING with a LO around.  I was in shock for weeks at how hard it was just to co-ordinate a meal while looking after a LO.  I was brain dead.


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

glad its not just me that feels like I have baby brain!

I do feel the couple of hours from tea time are like a military op of food, baths, getting one into bed while keeping big on happy, bed time no 2, then tidy up, and prep for next day!


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I can't imagine having two right now so know you are doing a fabulous job


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Glad things are looking better.

Jacket spuds for lunch times are always a big hit here.

And yes, getting our two out the house in the morning in time to get Wyxling to nursery through all the strops, nappies, toilet trips and refusals to get ready or be got ready need to run very precisely in they just don't work.  Same at the other end of the day as well.


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

it's hard work and physically draining when your actively planning your day and putting so much effort into keeping LO entertained and then dealing with early placement behaviour and then trying to figure it all out. It's hard, but it does get easier and comes more naturally and is then less draining. 

I agree with breadsticks, crackers, rivita's, jacket potatoes etc are a big hit in our house too. Have you tried crumpets? We often have omelette or quiche with salad. We also do a lot of picky things so cheese strings/chunks, ham, carrot sticks, apple slices, grapes, lettuce, Cherry Toms (for me - she won't touch them, lol). Poppet used to prefer a small amount of bread with crusts off, she's becoming less picky and will eat bread as well as buns and just loves wraps but she still doesn't eat much breadh things compared to crunchy things.

Xx


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