# BFN veterans club (multiple BFNs) part 2



## Juls78

Ok ladies here is your new home.

Hope you find some strength here.

PMA advice is not required - thankyou! 


julsxxx


----------



## Mrs Rock

Bookmarking! In hospital typing on prehistoric phone so sorry for short post but didn't want to lose you girls. 5 days now, so fed up but all's ok with little'un, just me they need to sort out x


----------



## kitten77

hi bookmarking too.

oh Mrs R - hope all good and sorted soon. massive hugs to you xx


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Will bookmark as well... 

Mrs R. i hope they sort you out and very happy to know the little one is nice and snuggled   get well soon...

Hi ladies


----------



## pinkpixie

bookmarking


----------



## billabong

Well I may as well bookmark too!  

Mrs Rock- You take it easy!  

Love to everyone else xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## honeyz

Hi there my Veteran Friends, Has anyone tried resveratrol /PYCNOGENOL or melatonin or apimist honey to improve egg quality?


I have just ordered all of the above cost me £100. I am already taking Vit D, Pregnecare preconception, fish oils and zinc I hope its not over Kill and I dnt end up with worse embies this time round  


Apperently one of the care drs is having lots of success with melatonin, I read tht on the fertilyzone forum if anyones interested.


Any experiences on the above would be much appreciated


Good luk to all
x


----------



## wobs

Mrs Rock - hope you're ok & soon feeling tip top.  take care
glad to hear little one ok

Honeyz - sorry no experience of either...have read a bit about resveratrol for lowering TNFa and pycnogenol for sperm count - are they the same thing??
If you read good stuff about them, sure it'll help.

Bookmarking too - now after all these years that I've learnt about it - good plan!!    

ttfn
Wobs


----------



## waikiki

Just popping in to bookmark! 

Sorry I've been AWOL recently, I am mad busy at work and just about to move house!  Hope that you're all keeping well ladies and I hope to be back with you all again next week once I'm in the new house.

 waikiki


----------



## kitten77

waikiki - oooooooooooo new house, such fun! hope the move goes well! spk next week then!


----------



## JBox

Bookmarking.  

Hi everyone. Mrs R - really hope ur doing ok xXxx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Good Morning ladies.. Nice day for ducks in Birmingham today    grim grim grim

Hope your all ok.. just bookmarking this new thread as i'm at work!!!!!    Would much rather be at home

Anyhow take care all and have a fab weekend.

x


----------



## wobs

Love that expression - "nice day for ducks"   
I am really daft not to have heard that before  Probably but hey I'm going to use it from now on


----------



## Winegum

Hey ladies 

Hope UK based ladies are enjoying the bank holiday weekend.

*Honeyz: *Yes, it is very difficult to accept a dx of unexplained and it is not surprising that we will try anything to get a potential explanation. However, in my experience, there is too much of "it could be this, it could be that", and having done everything, I am back to thinking that it is just a numbers game and maybe all I need is more IVF, along with that magic trio of fab egg fab sperm and fab embie.

*Nordickat: *Hope you are still at home. Was it about the bush/tree? I hope it has all died down now and that your "interviews" with the relevant authorities went well. As for other women getting pg, you can never assume anything can you, in fact, I sometimes play a little game with myself and ask myself who I would be most surprised to hear that they were pg. I am always on high alert! The next one I am waiting for is my friend who has a 5 1/2 year old, approaching 40 and has repeatedly said they are happy with one.....I am also trying not to think of waht a childless future really means, just focusing on the childfree bit ie: having money for lovely holidays, lying in, not having to childproof the house. ATM I'm worried about this: I know me and dh aren't trying to have a baby to mend a broken marriage, but I wonder if trying to have a baby, and failing, will break our marriage. I'm worried that we will react in different ways, turn our backs on eachother and want different things from our future. 

*Billabong: *Honey, your fear just radiates through the screen and I can imagine every day is agonising.  Thinking of you and looking forward to hearing more from you. 

*Kirsty5 & Togs: *Welcome to the thread 

*Parma violet: *What news from you?    I hope OTD brought you happiness. (Just had a sneaky look at your posts  )

*jbt: *Glad the exercise is doing you god and making you feel better.  at your dream. I'm sure you have had so many thought that like me, you have given up thinking they are a "sign". Has FIL moved in yet? I hope he settles in well. I need your advice about Jamaica, see below.

*vw22:* Have you had anymore success on the surrogacy boards? Don't forget to come and update us on your progress when you are ready.

*hkbmorris: * As I said above, I agree with you that it is as as simple as the sperm/egg/embryo equation. Level 2 immunes are very different from level 1. Have you read the immunes FAQ in the immunes section? It's very good. Speaking from experience, immune testing and tx is very expensive even if you just have the basics. Which is the fasting test, the glucose tolerance one?

*Greeniebop:* How are you my lovely? Your previous post was so wonderfully forward looking and positive. I think us girls always get through it quicker than the dhs and manage our BFN emotions better. I'm in South Molton! Lets meet up sometime. 

*Pinkpixie:* Hello, how are you?  
Ditto *Han*

*Kitten:* Where are you? Don't disappear. I promise we won't make a fuss of anything you post  Hope you are OK and precious cargo too.

*JBox:* Happy 40th! I hope your panic is over now.

*Wobs*: The summer holidays have absolutely flown by haven't they? How are you feeling about going back? How's the swimming and exercise going? What have you decided to do abotu your TNFa? I took Humira x2 but it had no effect other than pushing my reading up from 48 to 53 

AFM, I have been reflecting a lot lately on the fact that my immune tx hasn't *worked*. I went to see the Dr as a knee-jerk reaction to my last BFN and because I had seen some ladies have success after immune tx - not necessarily because of it but after it. Like everyone who does it, I hoped it would offer me a lifeline, but now I see that all it has done is confused me even more. I think we always put our faith in something until it doesn't work don't we? If it works, then we decide what it was that made it work, whether it was the new clinic, the different meds, our diet, our state of mind etc In reality, we will never know why something did or didn't work. I haven't got the time money or inclination to do anymore of it to see if doing anymore of it makes it work, so I have decided that I will go into my next tx and if that doesn't work, I won't blame it on the fact that I didn't buy anymore snake oil. You know when it says in the press that fertility clinics are praying on desperate women and charging vast sums of money for very cheap and easy procedures? They saw me coming! Yes - I am very disillusioned but it's not all sour grapes. On top of this I had a very bad appointment recently and I had to write and complain. I was so rushed and badly treated. I have yet to have a response but I will not let it go. Anyway, whether the next tx works or not, I will need an indulgent holiday afterwards. We will go away on xmas day for 2 -3 weeks and we won't have had a break for a whole year. We want winter sun and we like the city beach vibe (Did Miami last year) We like lazy days on the beach, eating out, people watching, wandering etc and prefer to rent an apartment rather than stay in a hotel or B&B - *JBox, *Ive read that Tel Aviv is a good place for a beach holiday but checked the weather and I think it isn't quite hot enough in Dec/Jan? This brings me onto *jbt* and Jamaica. Is it hot at Christmas and new year? We don't do package holidays, prefering to organise trips ourselves. Have you got any tips to start me off? For example, best part of the island, best beach etc, The other location we are considering is Cape Town, but flights are £££ and so is accomm. We probably won't book until after our BFN (no, I can't be anymore positive than that  ) just in case we get a BFP and I am too frozen with fear to move, let alone fly anywhere. Any help with planning would be much appreciated!

Much love to you all
Winegum xxx


----------



## pinkpixie

hi to everyone
was just wondering for those who have had the immune testing that it could be any reason why levels are elevated such as any infection etc happening at the time??  When we had our level 2 done we had the blood tests on the monday and then later on the week i had a very bad fluey/stomach bug and wonder if this is what pushed my TNFa level up as was trying to fight it off


Winegum - like you i am not convinced by the whole immune thing.  I think we are so desperate looking for an an answer and for it to be something we can fix.  So much of it seems to be chance.


Wakki how is the house move going


kat hope you are ok??


honeyz i dread to think what we have spent over the years in supplements    but if it works it will be money well spent


Wobs hows the sport active going I am aching from doing in today so hopefully it is doing some good   


hi to everyone else


I have been reading about serum at athems and am slightly tempted to give it a go as seems to have amazing reviews.  I def want a hysterscopy so might go there as no one in the uk seems willing to do it   .  Have enjoyed long weekend dont want to go back to work tomorrow!!


love to all
xxx


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Hey ladies,

So today was just crappy, one of the ladies in my office announced she is pregnant... i was surprised that i felt so bitter  i mean i said congrats and the niceties but i just felted gutted  it kind of just put me in a foul mood...

So on to another subject Wine Dec is great here, still nice in the days and cools down at night so you get a good mix of weather it's out of the rainy season so generally have great weather... if you are looking for a non all inclusive life then i would suggest Port Antonio or Negril... Negril has great beaches, mix of restaurants... Port Antonio is more relaxed, quiet they have nice beaches but more low key... if you go to Negril then I would suggest you fly into Montego Bay the airport is about an hour away.. if you go to Port Antonio fly into Kingston it's about 2 and 1/2 hours but certainly shorter than Montego Bay that is probably 4 1/2 hours... But if you give me some dates i can ask around for you and get some rates.. Negril will probably offer more in terms of things to do it really all depends on what you want to do on the trip... Negril has the famous Rick's Cafe and you can jump off the cliff... they have 7 miles of beach... if you wanted all inclusive i would suggest Couples Swept Away in Negril lovely property... Ocho Rios has more to do but i would need to know what you are looking for there is Dunns River Falls, there is swimming with the dolphins, Green Groto Caves... as I said give me more details and i can suggest some places for you... check our tourist board website www.visitjamaica.com i'd be happy to help you out...

Sorry not in the best of moods Wine i applaud you to be even thinking about being childfree and not childless 

My 9 years old niece told me today that she was tested on her reading to see what level she was at, she is in grade 5 and reading at grade 11 level, it am so proud of her but i wish i could be the one to brag about my daughter or son  

Have a nice night ladies... confusion reigns in my world oh and not only do we have to buy a stove we had to buy a tv on the weekend... we have a saying in Jamaica when things are just going wrong they say johncrown poop pon you Han yuh know bout dat hon?

Night

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## wobs

just popping on to say hi

Wow WG - another of those long posts. 
hope thinks are ok for you.  I think you are right - I am seriously sceptical about the immunes scenario - hence my umming and ahhing about humira.  I think (!!) we have decided we should just go for it... we'll see...
 re your worries about the future.  I'm sure it'll all be fine, just keep talking and sharing your worries/thoughts with DH.

PinkPixie - I'm with you on the aching muscles!!

JBT   
I want to visit Jamaica now   


Sorry got to dash  to those who need it
Wobs


----------



## Nordickat

honeyz - there is one proper study on melatonin published and it looks promising. I took it for my last cycle and will agian next time. Its one of those things you might as well try and if nothing else you'll sleep better during your tx   

JBox - have you had your results back yet?

Winegum  - I think being aware of what might happen between you and DH makes it easier to stop it. You will see the signs and talk about it before its too late. I think marriages break down during the stresses of tx rather than afterwards while you are trying to find a new kind of life together. Hang in there, who knows what this next tx will bring. How about Galapagos for your winter sun? Thats what we did way back after BFN #1. 

Sadly the police thing is far more naughty (in the eyes of the law) than the tree incident and I had to go and have my police interview today. I was horrendous and despite the lady being lovely it was just so awful. I sat in a waiting room with all the other criminals and just felt so small. I am guilty so have no right to feel out of place there but I did and just had that awful feeling of loneliness swallow me up. Anyway I did hold it together and didn't actually cry until afterwards. Its not over by a long way though so I still don't know what my punishment will be.

Love to you all and sorry for lack of personals,
Katxxx


----------



## wobs

Kat     sounds awful.  Hang in there.

Pixie - sorry meant to say yesterday; can't remember what your levels were - mine 45 - I asked re: colds etc... and was told it would raise it a little but not a lot.  DH found that aspirin might raise it (I take a lot due to migraines) - also told that would only raise it a little 1 or 2.  That said I am trying to ween myself off.  So there was me yesterday walking round with a heat pad attached to my head with a headband - seriously fetching but does take the edge of it and managed not to pop pills.  But only cos I was at home and not having to think/do much.  Won't be like that next week when I am back at work; then again I could start a fashion trend   
On another note - been researching and asking more questions and it seems cadiovascular exercise is out and basically (I think though don't really understand it)  it makes you healthier so raises your immune system.  Bye bye sports active for a few months.  Been told I can still swim - but not sure I will - I get seriously out of breath - surely that means its cadiovascular??!  Walking is the way to go I think for me.... 

That's all my waffle for now
HI everyone else

Wobs


----------



## billabong

Hiya Ladies!

Kat- Sendind lots of   your way, hope everything goes ok for you, you are too nice to be in that situation!  

AFM- Went for our 8 week scan yesterday, so shocked it was still there! The nurses said everything seems ok but as she felt she has known us for years she wanted to be honest and said not to get our hopes up although the chances seem good for now....We had hugs and tears all round. 4 more weeks before I can accept it is real and actually happening. 
This has been our 12th go...(I know IUI is a little less traumatic but still heartbreaking) ...5 IUIs and 7 transfers. 

Sending   to all of you great ladies xxxxxxxxxx
Sorry for no personals, will be on soon x


----------



## pinkpixie

billabong thats great news will continue to keep fingers crossed for you

kat     hope you are holding up ok

wobs my level was 35.9 i think anything over 30 is high??  so its not masively over??  I know you are not supposed to take echineeca or anything as that supports your immune system but surley some exercise is healthy  For me  i think it is more important to lower my weight as that can push your levels up as well but if weight is fine suppose it gives you an excuse not to exercise    but swimming is cardio it is just kinder on your joints so dont understand that why is everything so confusing    poor you re migraines i used to suffer and they are truly horrible.

hi to everyone else
xx
h


----------



## wobs

Billalong -great news!   Sure it was an emotional day

Pinkpixie - yes anything over 30 is high I think.  I agree re: the exercise - I've decided just to eat healthily, do exercise but just all in moderation!

Wobs


----------



## Winegum

Yay Billabong!  Fab news.  Just had a read through your signature and in terms of time TTC and tx undertaken, it is your turn so I hope with all my heart you are celebrating in 4 weeks.  You are wise to be cautious though, and we are with you all the way.

Jbt thanks so much for all the fab info about Jamaica!  Sorry you had a pants day. X


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Morning ladies

*Winegum*: No problem, please let me know if you need any further help I'd be happy to assist. Yea it's been sad you know a combination of things I guess. Really and truly this lady is in her 20s and I was expecting it as she had told me before that she was trying  I wish her the best but still will be hard to see her progress as the months go by 

*Billabong*: Really happy to hear of your progress!  I wish you all the very best and celebration in 4 weeks time 

*Kat*: sorry about your worries hon, hope the punishment isn't too harsh 

Father-in-law moves in this weekend and now I am getting a little antsy  truth be told i am not sure of the personalities etc... anyway we'll deal with it...

The time is drawing near and i need to see my doc to finalize FET dates etc... more anon


----------



## JBox

hi girls
sorry been out of touch. 
results not good, have to go for a bone marrow biopsy next week which obviously has its risks but coz i am 18 weeks already ( dont know how i got that far so quick) it can be complicated. i have to postpone the amnio which was scheduled for next week as they dont want to take any risks until they have done a biopsy and checked out what it is. 
i am nervous, worried and stressed


----------



## wobs

Jbox - just wanted to send you some hugs     
Hoping and praying that everything is ok after the biopsy next week

Wobs


----------



## jamaicababytrying

*JBox* lots of    ... I hope all goes well for you  just keep the faith and I'll keep you in my prayers.


----------



## kitten77

Hi all, just to say I'm still here and still reading but been very ill so as only feel better now I cant just ant type on phone.

First of jbox, big massive hugs. And hope biopsy goes well. X 

Kbt, hope the fil move goes well on weekend.


Billabong, well done km the news!!!

As for all abt immunes and levels I cant help on that I don't have any idea I'm afraid. 

And, just been ill, uti infection really bad, been so ill and can't eat anything, have list half a stone. Not good. Feeling bit better today tho. Not looking forward to going back to work on Monday.


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Oh Kitten sorry to hear hun... i hope u feel better soon!   

I hope the move goes well as well... 

Had a very brief talk with hubby this morning re FET, we're both concerned about the thawing process and can't seem to move past it  it"s so hard, since i guess we've already had the experience of thawing failure  

Will keep you posted after we talk to the doctor...


----------



## wobs

Kitten - hope you feel better soon   

JBT -  hope your talk to the doctor goes well...I guess sadly you won't really know until they try and thaw....  

Wobs


----------



## Here&#039;s Hoping1

Hello ladies,

I'm fairly new to FF. I have just had another tx. I have today got a BFN - again.
I have found this thread and I think it's just what I need.
Loving the no PMA required!.
I am in the stage of being able to cry at any given second but actually DH is taking this time much worse.  
The most frustrating thing is not knowing why the tx's never ever work although we are always told what a great cycle we have had and how good everything looks.   
This time was our last on the NHS so on our own now. Not sure what to do next really but I know I just can't give up yet.

xx


----------



## pinkpixie

Jbox    fingers crossed for next week hopefully you will get some answers about what is wrong.


Kitten    hope you are feeling better


JBT good luck with FIL moving in 


JoWill hi so sorry for the BFN    its so hard when DH takes it bad as well i think sometimes they get forgotten about by other people.  Take care of each other.  Have you considered immune testing or sometimes a change of clininc can help??


hi to everyone else 


AFM have now decided that def want a hysteroscpopy so am in talks with clinic in athens to go there to have it done will also have a chat about having our treatment there dont want to rule anything out and the ladies on here seem to have nothing but praise for Serum clinic.  Does anyone else know anything else about it


xx
h


----------



## Kitty_Kate

Hey girls. Mind if I join you? After ten failed cycles (4 icsi, 2 fet and 4 iui) I feel like I'm fairly qualified for this...

I just got my second BFP, but for the second time the numbers are dropping from the outset, so the pregnancy is non- viable.  Sort of a little disillusioned with it all now.


----------



## wobs

Hi ladies

JoWill - hi!  Sorry you are here, if you know what I mean.    Hopefully it is just a numbers game, but as Pinkpixie says it might be worth looking at immunes etc...

Hi Saucy Sailoress.  Sorry for your heartache   ,  Yes you're in the right place

Pinkpixie - don't know much about the place but people do rate it highly.  Who on here was mentioning about Penny

Hugs to those who need them this week     

AFM back to school this morning   so best get up and get going
Wobs


----------



## Hbkmorris

Morning Ladies

Sorry I've not been on for a while, just a quick hello I see there are some new names on here welcome to you all.

Where do i start!!?!?!!

Wobs.. Good Luck with School.. Bet that's a bit of a shock to your system! x

Saucy Sailoress.. Love the name, OMG how many cycles muffin.. God Bless you I wish I had your strength, sorry the numbers are dropping with your latest BFP.. Why is this dam IVF world so cruel to us and for you especially.. I hope things turn out good one day x

Pinkpixie.. I too am having a further hysteroscpopy infact my clinic are putting me forward for a trial called the Trophy Trial which is a series of tests along with hysteroscopy and biopsy! When we went for our follow up apt on Thursday last week the consultant said that he wants me to take advantage of this trial and if nothing comes back abnormal then we know it's a numbers game with me!! (not convinced myself, if nothing comes back wrong I'm thinking of getting my Level 2 immunes bloods done).. Good Luck any idea when yours maybe? I'm just waiting to hear from the hospital. I don't know much about Serum but I have heard that there very liked on FF.. Good Luck x

JoWill65.. My heart goes out to you, sorry for your BFN I feel your pain. We have had two failed cycles, all gone to plan with very good embies and last time top quality blasts and my consultant just things it's a numbers game with me but i'm not sharing his belief as we have self funded all our tx so far costing us £10k. As I said to Pinkpixie this time my cons is putting me forward for various tests which include a hysteroscpopy and poss biopsy and I'm looking into having my level 2 immunes testing.. I've already had level 1 done at my GP and all has come back normal but the bloods are another £1k this rollercoaster is a very expensive one! May the days become brighter for you and the pain ease.. It will trust me, just keep looking forward things come to those who wait! We're all waiting    x

jamaicababytrying.. How many frozen little ones do you have? I know I was worried with my two on my second cycle and we decided to go with a fresh and we wanted to keep the others for back up. I've heard so many ladies having only got a few or even 1 and they have thawed fine so keep up beat about them x

Kitten77.. How you feeling now? Hope you've had a better weekend and that your starting to feel alot better x

AFM well as already stated above my consultant is putting me forward to the Trophy Trial which is just various hysteroscpopy's to check out whats going on down under! I've also been looking into Level 1 immunes testing which I'm thinking of having done if the results from trial come back all normal. In some mad way I'm hoping they do find something then I've got an answer and I won't have to pay £1k for bloods but then you do worry what they may find... All very strange just got to wait now for the apt to come through the post.. hope it's very soon xx


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi Ladies 

New to FF and very glad to have found this thread today.  Had a terrible day, trying to hold it together but failing miserably, poor DH has had me wailing on his shoulder! Feeling better having read all your posts x 

Just finished FET with a BFN and had to listen to preg announcement at work today, and another story about emergency fallopian tube removal op and obvious fertility concerns and lots and lots of stories about a colleagues baby boy.  All a bit too much for me today.

Also started telling people who knew we were doing treatment it failed - does anyone else find this bit awful?

So sorry to read your post here Saucy Sailoress have followed you on 2ww thread - terrible terrible news   I don't know what to say x x x


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

Hi Longtimewaiting,

I know how you feel about telling other people. Just when I felt OK for the first time in a while there was someone else to tell and just like that the tears come. On the plus side, wanted to get out of a work trip and spoke to the lady running it, got all teary for no reason and ended up confiding in her only for her to tell me that she is about to undergo same treatment - using egg donor. Both of us felt so relieved to have someone to confide in. It makes you realise how many people are affected by it. 

I feel such a terrible person today, logged on to discover that the other two english girls who went to the same clinic as me both got BFPs and I felt so miserable and bitter about it. I now feel like such a ***** as they too have had to deal with infertility and this ****** journey but for that fleeting moment I was so jealous, what is wrong with me, I'm not this horrible person but feel so damn bitter at the moment. And is it just me or does it feel like IVF, infertility, egg donors and adoption are everywhere at the moment. It seems like everytime I turn on the TV there is something about it. Its so great to hear these successful stories but as soon as its mentioned I cry. Poor DH thinks he's married to a looney!!!! 

Think I need to go and flush my head down the loo and sort myself out....well not quite that drastic but you know what I mean. Think its being back at work after the summer hols that has made me so grumpy!!!!!!!

Sorry for the rant girls, promise to be more cheery next time x


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Hi ladies and welcome to the new comers...

HBK I have 3 embryos frozen, I gues why I am so concerned is that the last cycle when we had frozen embryos i didn't consider them not thawing and when they actually did NOT thaw i was shocked, angry and had no idea what to do next. Luckily we were able to do another cycle... this time I know there is a big risk of them not thawing but this time our funds has run out and i don't think we will be able to do another cycle at least not for another year, after saving up! So that is where my fears come from.  

I am going to see my doctor this evening and at first hubby said he wasn't coming now he says he is, so he is just as concerned as me... my other concern is if my lining is thick enough another issue i have problems with... so we'll probably do an ultra sound to see what my lining looks like and what he thinks of the FET.. you know ladies i have been having a rough time with this  and yesterday we went to the beach and there were so many families with little kids and they all looked so happy.  

Anyway I will keep you all posted on the doctor's visit... btw FIL moved in yesterday and I see that it will be a long road, another issue to deal with!  

How are you guys doing? JBOX, Wine, Billabong, Kat, Han, kitten, Mrs Rock


----------



## Winegum

*longtimewaiting, saucy sailoress, JoWill65*
Welcome to the thread all of you - 3 newbies in one day! That is both fab  and sad  I'm sorry for all your BFNs and losses. I hope you can find some solace here 

*Wobs*, hope your first day back was OK - it went quickly didn't it 

*JBox* - thinking of you   

*Greeniebop* - Just seen your post as I was posting - sorry you are feeling like you are. I've decided its inevitable that for long term TTC ladies who have been through a lot already and have had many many normal Fs and FFs get pg before them that it becomes a bit of a competition and each pg news is more difficult to bear. I swore I would never become bitter and twisted and always used to say "why NOT me?" when everyone else was saying "why me?", but it has crept in and I am now officially bitter and twisted. I find it particularly difficult that out of my first group of friends on FF there are only 2 of us out of 17 who have yet to get pg. Everyone has moved on. I saw a poster in my old clinic which said "The only thing more painful than having a baby is not being able to have a baby" In the same way, "The only thing more painful than someone getting pg is another infertile woman getting pg" Don't get me wrong - I am genuinely thrilled for my lovely FFs - but it is possible to feel two completely conflicting emotions and it is horrible - let's be honest. It's not just you - it's just that at this particular moment, you cannot muster the strength to cope with it all - that's why you are telling us about it!    Big hugs coming your way. How about a "blind date"?
*jbt: * Just seen your post too - busy tonight! Sorry your are nervous about your FET and the thaw. It's very difficult when you don't have a plan b. Give the FIL thing a bit of time - it's bound to be hard and I think you are doing an amazing thing    Thinking of you.

Everyone else, a quick hello  and goodbye, I'll post properly soon xxx


----------



## Nordickat

Hello and sorry for my rubbish posting skills at the moment - I am reading though   

Winegum & Greenie - I'm with you on being more hurt by the pregnancies of 'infertile' women too. I hate myself for it but can't help questioning why all the effort I put in is obviously not as effective as whatever they have done to get so lucky   None of us are horrid people, we are just people who hurt   

JBT -   to you too.

JBox - thinking of you lots

Longtimewaiting, saucy and JoWill - lovely to haev yo ujoin us but sad you are in this place too   I hope you find some comfort amongst us. And more importantly, where are you all based? This is important so we can find the most exotic location for the big meet   

HBK - fab news about the trial. I hope it does the trick   

Wobs - hows is going? 2 days done now ...... nearly the weekend.

Billabong  - i hope all is still well with you?

Kitten - I hope you are feeling better. And I hope other stuff   is going well too?

Pixie   and vw and Han (  if you are still browsing)

Sorry for not being around much but now I'm living in the criminal underworld things are a tad stressful. I have had some good news though. There is apparently a queue here to go to prison (does that make any sense at all to you   ) so hopefully I'll join a waiting list and by the time my cell becomes available then I'll have done my good behaviour and they'll let me off. Sometimes I'm not sure its me that should be on the anti bonkers tablets, rather the rest of the world around me   

Lots of love to you all, Katxxx


----------



## jamaicababytrying

*Kat* I am happy to hear from you! waitlist or not... I too am now dealing with a family member with depression, my FIL, and it's hard... it's hard to how despondent he is I don't know if he takes his meds I am all new with this and we are not that close to begin with so it is a bit uncomfortable...

Well just a quick update feeling very down at the moment saw doc last night and no good news, he strongly recommends we wait till next year to do the FET... he thinks we should wait till the construction is almost over so that there are no other variables to affect the success of the embryos growth... a good thing was that we checked the lining and it was ok it's above 7 at day 12 so he is ok with all that... so now i have to wait another 6 months or so before doing anything! I hate this, but i guess he wants to make sure he gives us the best opportunity available...

In the meantime i wait! I can't change jobs again! I can't move forward again!

May take a break from the thread i may only bring you all down I will check in every once in a while. feeling very crappy at the moment!


----------



## Here&#039;s Hoping1

Hello lovely ladies,

Thank you all so much for your really kind notes. I'm so touched.
Saucy & LTD - so, so sorry to see you on here too. I was keeping an eye on you on the TWW board and I'm really sad for you both.
To everyone else, I'm working my way through your stories to catch up. It wont take me long but hope you can bear with me  

Well over the last couple of days me and DH have been trying to plan what we are going to do next. So, we decided to book a review with the main Dr at our clinic and start looking into some initial immune testing etc. From speaking to my mum, I gather that she, my nan and my first cousin all had thyroid probs in their 30's so I think that's something we should explore more. HBK - I spotted that you have had your Level 1 testing done by your GP? How did you go about getting that done and what do you need to ask them to do so you get the right tests done?? Do you just ask for the "Level 1 testing"?? 

Hope you are all bearing up.  
Next time I'm on I will be up to speed with you all I promise
Take care all - and thanks again for all of your messages, they really helped me through these last couple of horrible days

xxxxxx


----------



## Nordickat

Jo - If you really want to catch up with our stories you'll have to read the 'veteran barbies' thread too, only another 80 pages to go  . In theory you should jsut be able to ask for level 1 immunes but I would take the list from the Immunes FAQ thread (http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=242395.0) so you make sure you get everything done.

JBT - re your FIL, just remember its not personal. He probably can't relate to anyone so its nothing you are doing wrong. I feel absolutely nothing when I look at my dh when I'm having a hard time, just no emotion at all which is horrid for us both. And I hate physical contact too, which I know is not something that will be in your relationship anyway but I'm just trying to help you understand him. I tell you what I do like though, the little things. Even if I can't look DH in the eye it does remind me that I love him when he does tiny things like buy me my favourite cake or a bunch of flowers. Sometimes I just need reminding that at other times I do have emotions and that I do know how to love. Its the small inconsequential things that might matter to him too even if he doesn't show it. And get DH to find out about his meds.

 Katxxx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Hi Jo

I went armed to my GP's with the list off immunes board (Nordickat has attached the link) not that they meant anything to me at the time but when my DR looked at them she said there all within normal range and that there's nothing to be worried about. From my understanding the level 2's are only a couple of tests but I'm desperate to have these done but my consultant won't perform them nor will my GP so it looks like I may need to make a visit to Care Notts for those.

Sorry I can't stay and chat but I've got to get back to work.

Take Care all x


----------



## pinkpixie

JBT    please dont worry about bringing us down we are all here for you i hope you know that xx


----------



## JBox

JBT don't u go anywhere we are here for u! 
Having a v tuff time will be back to fill u in later but always feel like my posts are so depressing!
Hello to all the newbies and to all the oldtimers xxx


----------



## Nordickat

JBT - I didn't notice you threatened to leave us. You can't! If you go we'll all be worrying about you so you have to stay here and let us look after you.

JBox   you know where I am.


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi Greeniebop – thanks for your understanding, think I’ve told everyone now thankfully and have cried so much I’m not sure I have any tears left!  There is so much in your message that rings true for me – the jealousy, the bitterness, the anger – I’m a different person and poor DH puts up with it all!

Hi Winegum - thank you for the welcome and kind words.

Hi Nordickat – thank you to you too and I’m in Devon in the UK – lovely but definitely not exotic!

Hi JoWill65 – glad you’re looking to the future.  My DH not ready to do that yet, understandably we need to do MIL funeral first.

Hi to everyone else too.  I love all your posts, so many things I can relate to.

Just a brief summary intro from me – we’ve done 8 cycles and I coped fine until cycle 5 last year which was a BFP that ended in miscarriage, at the same time my employer changed from being supportive to being horrible and a very close friend told me she was pg - I completely failed to cope, left my job and didn’t see my friend for her whole pregnancy.  After finding a new job (on a quarter of my previous salary!), having a break from tx and spending several months on antidepressants I made up with my friend and started to feel close to normal again.  

Tx continues and we’re now facing cycle 9 which will be an FET – we have 3 in storage.  Does anyone have any advice on anything extra we could try?  Consultants never gives any answers just says its luck.  Any thoughts on natural FET?

Hope to get to know you all better soon x


----------



## Nordickat

Longtimewaiting - It depends what you have done before but I would take higher than normal dose of folic acid and vits B6 and B12 - check the correct ratio though. I might also be tempted to take a little extra VitD (you brits are all deficient ........ even in sunny devon  ) and add Quercetin to your diet by eating extra apples and adding onions (especially red) to your dinner etc, oh and drinking some green tea. The EPA in fish oils might help too as well as the Bromelain extract in pineapple. You could also add turmeric to your diet as the curcumin might help. And last but not least, did you take baby aspirin on your previous cycles? I also read something recently about pomegranate helping your lining to get nice and thick. Obviously you might have done all this before and I´m only telling you what I am doing, also for tx#9. If you discover any other miracle embie glue then please tell me. Maybe 9 will be our lucky number     . If quater of the salary means a quarter of the stress then you made the right decision whether you feel it was in your control or not. I´m sorry you have had such a hard time but pleased that you are obviously coming out the other side and are feeling ready to be reunited with your frosties.
 Katxxx


----------



## Winegum

Longtime waiting - another devon bird to join me and greeniebop!  We are up north, where are you?


Devon it is then, Everyone round mine?   Just need a date now!


----------



## wobs

hi ladies

sorry to see some new ladies joining us - hello!  Sorry for all your heartache   

JBT - that's what we're here for - don't go anywhere

Just a quick wizz - a v v busy week.  Got a new year group and am snowed under already!  Oh dear....   Still the positive is that I am enjoying it...

Off to collapse now!!
Will try and post properly at the weekend
Wobs


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Thanks ladies appreciate the love... Kat thanks for the advise...

Still not feeling good and had to console the coworker I told you all about that announced she was pregnant! She lost the baby  we both cried our eyes out in the office yesterday! She is holding up well I didn't...

JBox sorry to hear you are having a tuff time   

Bye ladies


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi Nordickat – thank you, so much to think about!  So far I’ve been spending a fortune on Zita West preconception vitamins including the boost ones and the fish oil ones, that’s eight tablets a day!  We eat a really healthy diet and I even drink green tea every day!  Never taken baby aspirin – will speak to my consultant to find out more.  I’m ok with my low paid low stress job – it’s admin at a school so I get all the holidays off and the school is opposite my house!  Only trouble is it makes affording tx much more difficult  .  Feel like I could slip back into bad times after our BFN last week   and am worried but doing my best to hold it together and keep looking forward.  I really, really, really, really hope number 9 is the one for both of us.  I know I don’t have the strength to do number 9 just yet.  Hope it’s going ok for you so far.

Hello to the North Devon birds!  Just let us know when we can come round!  I’m in Exeter – have either of you had tx in Exeter?  We’ve only been there so far but have been very unhappy with them and are thinking of changing clinics.  We only went there last time because they gave us a free cycle to apologise for all their mess ups – actually just thinking about the place makes me feel angry.

Hi wobs – I’ve just been realising how difficult it is fitting treatment into school holidays – thought it would be easier but things never go quite according to plan.  Don’t envy you teaching, find admin difficult enough and I can hide at my desk in my bad moments.

JBT – sounds like tough time for you - long wait for FET, FIL and a really difficult time at work too.  Thinking of you  

AFM – cried quite a bit today, feeling drained and emotional  .  My sister was really kind and offered surrogacy, she said she just wants me to have a baby and said I’d be a really good mum – lots and lots of tears.  Often lose my faith in being a good mum – all this treatment has changed me so much.  Can't even think about what she said right now - it's too big a thing to think about and I want to be the one who gets pregnant anyway    I know that probably sounds very ungrateful x x x


----------



## wobs

LTW    What a lovely thing for your sister to offer.  At least you can tuck it away in the back of your mind and come back to it if you ever need it.    Sounds like an ideal job stress-wise (although I have to say sometimes our poor admin office at school seem to have SOOOOO much to do I'm not sure it would be that low stress!).  I've been thinking about stopping teaching to have our final treatment, but now I'm on the treadmill really and it's all underway so will just have to go with the flow and have time off.  Though am a bit concerned as although my GP has said she'll sign me off, another FF teacher said she had problems as although she was signed off, insurance company refused to pay as it was 'elective treatment'...

JBT - hope it's going ok with FIL.  Must be frustrating having to wait even longer for FET...grrrrrr....sorry to hear about your co-worker.  Hope the fitness is going ok??
Did I say I was all into getting fit etc... but because of my high TNF levels been told no aerobic exercise - so am now turning back into a slob!!!!  Actually supposed to be doing lots of walking so we're off for a walk today.

JoWill - I had some of the individual level one tests done at my GPs - definitely thyroid was tested.  Our consultant wrote a letter to the GP saying which tests I would benefit from having and them my GP said which they could do.
On another note, I had just had my level 2s/chicagos done.  In many ways i wish i had had them done years ago as 1 level has come out really high which might (and i am still sceptical) be the root of our problems...

Kat - hope things are ok for you.    Really hope that the queue is v v long   

hi Greenie, WG, Billabong, Kitten, Pixie, VH, Han, HBK, Saucy S, JBox.     to those who need them.  Sorry for lack of personals to you all.
AFM I've made it to the weekend - first week back at school was actually ok ish!  Maybe the break did me some good    Mind you I have a day's worth of work ahead of me tomorrow   .... Have taken my first humira jab - so far feel ok...so hoping it'll just work away in the background doing everything it is supposed to do without me feeling rubbish....

Hope you all have restful weekend
Wobs


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Morning ladies,

Not so hot with FIL... but i think it's just a matter of getting used to!

Wobs the fitness thing out the window but i hope to start back Monday morning!

Got some bad news my mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer so i am having a tough time, but "happy" we decided to wait with FET since i don't think i could deal with both! Don't have much details but will on Tuesd when she goes for her consult wish i were in the same country as her but at least my brother is...

Will keep you all posted... just not coping right now with all that is happening...


----------



## Winegum

Longtimewaiting: I had tx at Exeter and will pm you.  I have changed clinics.

Happy w/e everyone, will try to post soon x


----------



## musicmaker

Can I join you?  We've just gone through our 6th icsi and it failed.  This week we go back to the consultant for our follow up.  Just feeling low and sorry for myself.


----------



## wobs

JBT   sorry to hear news re: your mum. 

Musicmaker - hi....sorry for your tough times....you're in the right place.  It's sooooo horrible going through so many BFNs...Hope your consultant has something useful to say.   

HI everyone else.
shattered already.  when's the next summer holiday?

ttfn
Wobs


----------



## Hbkmorris

Morning Ladies

Sorry for not being on here much and no personals.. I'm supposed to be working!   

Just wanted to say sorry to hear your news JBT, god bless you all.. May your mom be ok and may you all find the strength to get through the bumpy road ahead   

musicmaker.. so sorry you've had your 6th failed ICSI i feel like giving up just after 2.. my heart goes out to you. What do you have planned next? Immunes testing maybe?

Must go Directors being a right DRAGON today. My only saving grace is i'm off for my first counselling session this afternoon and in a very strange way I can't wait to scream & shout at someone who may understand me xx


----------



## Winegum

Jbt: so sorry about your mum on top of all your troubles.  I hope this is your long dark night before a beautiful dawn. A dear FF said that to me once and I thought it was lovely, so I'm passing it onto you. Hugs.

Musicmaker, welcome - and other newbies, sometimes the thread is very slow and sometimes we do 2 pages in a morning!

Wobs hope the Humira is treating you well

Nordickat I need the benefit of your scientific brain.  i tested + for chlamydia in menstrual blood, took abs, waited 3 periods, retested and it's gone from conc. 35,000 to 120,000.  I don't understand it. Is testing positive fir it different to actually having it? I mean have I definitely got chlamydia?  I cant believe all my immune tx has rendered me worse off.  I'm quite disillusioned with the whole thing and I know you have your reservations. Help please.

Sorry to be brief, got to get to work
Big hugs all round
X


----------



## JBox

JBT - sh*t, so sorry to hear about your mum. I hope you are managing to stay afloat - and hope that FIL is respecting your space etc. 

musicmaker, so sorry to hear about all your bloomin treatments, you are on the right place here for a moan and a shout and some lovely girls to smooth you over. 

Winegum, sorry i cant help you with that  (i never did that test, my gynea here was convinced that it meant nothing and i didnt want to fork out the extra pounds!) but, ask agate on the immune threads she is the eyes and ears of...

my quick update is that i dont have acute leukemia as all the drs here suspected. but they dont know what it is and tomorrow i have another consultation with the hemotologist. she suspects all things horrible, including lymphoma, blood disease, bla bla bla. My gynae just thinks its a weird pregnancy thing, i dont know what to think. i just really simply have had enough of being prodded and poked and injected and investigated and scanned and tested and i just want it all to stop. after years of treatments, back to back, and now this, i simply never want to step foot near a hospital or a dr surgey again!. i am not able to do the amnio that i wanted to do, coz app i have no immune system and it could be dangerous to baba and me, and i might not be able to fly next week for a planned holiday to london... so all in all i am pretty peeved off. I hope that tomorrow things will look a lot better. 

haent heard from kitten in a while - kitten are you ok? you keeping your head down?

Hows about Mrs Rock? and billabong?

love to everyone

And kat, ill catch up with you later 
x


----------



## kitten77

Hi jbox so lovely of you to think of me, but i am never far away, just can't get near computer to reply properly and hate it on my phone. 

Just want to say to all that I am thinking of you all and hope you dont mind me not doing personals. Been off work poorly so not been well st all so am still here reading and sending all my love to you all. X x x


----------



## clogs

Hi


I am new on this post but clearly not to treatment and just wondered if I can join in.


JBox, wishing you all the best sounds as though you are having a really frightful time so just thinking of you and hoping all works out for you. Cx


----------



## Nordickat

*Clogs* and *musicmaker* -  I´m so sorry you need to join us and I´m sorry we´ve all been a bit quiet since you joined. We do go through posting peaks and troughs though so stick with us and we´ll look after you 

*JBT *- I´m so so sorry about your mum. If she has half the fight in her that you do though she won´t be giving up just yet 

*JBox* - I`ll be thinking of you tomorrow    and you know you are in my  everyday. Since neither of us are particularly religious I have decided to pray to the Gods of frescati and Rioja instead because I know they exist  . Lots of love coming you way though.

*Winegum* - I can happily give you my opinion on chlamydia testing  . Firstly ignore the numbers - they should really just tell you negative or positive because its not really very quantitative and your result doesn´t mean your chlamydia is worse now. Did you get the report straight from the test lab in Athens? If you did you´ll see that they don´t specify which chlamydia it is. Up to 80% of the population have been exposed to one or other chlamydia in their lives. There are some reports that it is connected to asthma, arthritis and other immune issues and as you know you have immune issues then maybe its not such a surprise you have been exposed some chlamydia of some sort but not necessarily the one you are concerned with. My other minor issue is the false positive issue as PCR does detect non viable cells giving false positive results. It is known that chlamydia can be resistant to some antibiotics and the chance of that might possibly increase if you have taken antibs for various things throughout your adult life. But, they do go in for the kill straight away and you´ve taken a massive and various dose of pills so it would have to be tough bacteria to fight that off. Maybe you need to see for yourself what antiBs work and with what success rates. Use www.scholar.google.co.uk and just do a quick search. I can´t remember the tablets so can´t do it for you - I can if you remind me what we took though. Then go with your get feeling. I had´t had a proper af for years (blink and you miss it - like clockwork but just spotting really) and my lining has always been borderline for tx, but since the antiBs I have proper af now and I forgot to ask about my lining but there were no comments about it being thin and after my BFN I did bleed loads compared to previous cycles ....... may be a coincidence 

*Wobs* - it must be alf term soon 

*Kitten* - I´m sorry you are so poorly. I thnk we are all a bit worried about your secret so can you just let us know that its all OK?

*hbk* - I hope your counsellor surived your shouting and ranting  How did you get on? Was it nice to offload?

*longtimewaiting* - how are you? Wanting to carry your own baby isn´t selfish at all and I doubt your sister sees it like that either. IF changes you for sure but it doesn´have to be changed in a bad way. Think about all the good bits of you too. Maybe you should have a scan through our old ´veteran barbies´thread. We all got together at the same time and we had some very frank and open chats back then and it might help you realise you are not alone in this. We haev all lost a bit of our hearts but I know I have gained in other ways. I am much more sensitive to other peoples feelings, I never assume anything about anybody and I realise that even when I don´t know it, I have an inner strength that the average pg-at-the-drop-of-a-hat chicks would be in awe of. You are the same, its just your BFN is too raw to see it. But trust me are are bigger and better than you think 

*Pinkpixie, saucy, greenibop, Jo *and* billabong* - I hope you are al OK out there somewhere? 

I know I´ve been a bit of a rubbish poster recently, although I clearly made up for it tonight  , I´m just a bit overwhelmed by life right now. I know that sounds melodramatic lol. I´m just finding the whole police mess stressful and then DH dropped a minor bombshell - he doesn´t want to have kids    . Not sure why he didn´t think to mention this 20 grand earlier  , and I´m not sure where it leaves us really. On the plus side of life though, we collected come of our honeycombs and we really are going to have honey this year which is way cooler than any BFP  . Bees really are THE most amazing little critters.

Lots of love to you all, 
Katxxx

PS. Special  to *MrsRock, Han* and *vw* if you are still browsing now and then

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


----------



## vw22

Girls thank you so much for remembering me in your posts!


I am always looking in and sending lots of good karma and support for you all.


Kitten hope you are ok.
Kat, you certainly get the challenges but super impressed with bee world... keep looking after yourself.
JBox, I am not sure how you have managed to stay together mentally through all this unknown. It must be so stressful when you have the baby on board. Really hope its all not too overwhelming.
JBT, thinking of you and your family.
Winegum, sorry I can't help on that stuff but don't be too dispondent, more knowledge can only help long term.
Wobs and anyone I have missed (and newbies) love to you all and keep smiling.


We are heading to transfer at the end of October with ED eggs and surrogate. Have met her on skype. Its a super weird world that I am sure will be normal after 9 months. After years of hoping it was the sperms fault for all the failiures and not me, now hoping its not!!! Or else we will be completely stuffed. I thought IVF was stressful until I started working with all these americans (no offense meant to anyone on here). I would like to say it has been a lovely experience so far but it hasn't been. Maybe its just us!!! Anyway we are moving forward at a snails space but hopefully with a positive result. Out of my hands now thats for sure!


I will be back after the transfer for an update, in the meantime best of luck to everyone at their various stages!
vx


----------



## pinkpixie

just wanted to say hi to everyone  i am reading just dont feel up to posting at the mo
sending everyone huge   
xx
h


----------



## wobs

Hi ladies

SOrry - quick oneliners (as always!! -will I ever manage to do one of those impressively long posts?!!!)

Jbox - really hope you get an answer soon from all those yucky tests and that all is ok.     

Kat   you always manage to post lovely thoughtful posts; thank you.  Hope you're doing ok.  That's a bit of a bomb shell from DH   

Pinkpixie - take care  

VW - thanks for the update.  So pleased you are making progress. Keeping everything crossed for you   

WG - hope you get it sorted soon, sorry no advice to give.
I loved the expression "long dark night before the beautiful dawn" - reckon there is are a few of us on here who could keep hold of that - thank you

Kitten - hope you feel better soon and that all is ok   

JBT - hope your mum's consultation was ok   

Hi Han, Billabong, Greenibob, Saucy, Jo, LTW, Mrs Rock, Musicmaker & sorry to anyone I've missed   

hi Clogs - welcome  

AFM humira seems (touch wood!!) to be treating me ok....hope it continues....still scared witness of the stuff!!!

Nearly the weekend thank goodness.

take care all
Wobs


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Hi ladies,

Thanks for the messages... been a bit out of it, we are still waiting on test results and then on to see an oncologist then we'll know how to proceed. It's been tough on me as i have already seen one parent pass away from this stupid disease but i also know treatment has made tremendous achievements and breakthroughs... so i am confident and positive about the outcome, it's the mental journey i am worried about... and also what she has to go through...

*JBox* i hope all went well for you with tests, you ar ein my thoughts
*Kat* nice hearing from you and i do understand when you say you are overwhelmed with life not dramatic at all... sorry to hear about dh sudden revelation
*VW* hmmm, wishing you well my dear and i await your reports...
*Pinkpixie* hey hon i hope you are doing ok...
*WG* ditto on what wobs said
*Wobs* howdy and hope you are doing fine...
*Hbk* hope your session went well and you got stuff off your chest...
Billabong, Kitten, Han, Mrs Rock newbies


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi everyone – I’m always reading but can’t always find the time and energy to post - gonna have a go at doing as much as I can now.

Wobs – hope getting signed off and paid works out - elective treatment – don’t get me started! The tears have dried up and I’m just generally feeling angry for now!  School admin is very busy but low stress and low responsibility compared to my old job.  The old job was probably more stressful than I realised while I was doing it, only really see that looking back.  Working and tx is a real nightmare – it’s very difficult to manage a career and tx that goes on for years.  I ended up sacrificing the career because my chances of a family are more time limited but I need the money to pay for tx and my current fear is ending up with no family and no bloomin’ career!  Never any straightforward answers!

JBT – so sorry to hear about your mum   have no idea how you manage to keep going through all the bad times.  Thinking of you.

Winegum – thank you so for your pm, it’s really helpful.  I’ll reply soon, just got back from MIL funeral and things so busy it’s hard to keep up, just doing one thing at a time.

Clogs and musicmaker – so sorry you’ve both been through so much  .  I’m new here too, 8th ICSI failed 2 weeks ago x 

Nordickat – I’m amazed by your ability to look at the good things when you have so much stressful stuff going on – not sure what the police stuff is but sounds horrible - and DH’s bombshell must be very hard.  My DH sometimes comes out with that one so I know what it’s like – makes me feel very lonely and selfish. 
Also think it’s amazing you can post so much good stuff for others - thank you for everything you said for me, I can only see the negatives at the mo but know you’re right, just need time to get things into perspective.  I will read back on the old thread soon – reading this one has helped me feel so much saner already x 

Vw22 – not religious but   for you – makes my heart hurt reading what you’ve been through x 

Hello to everyone else – will try and post again soon.

Also a question – does anyone have any recent info on recurrent implantation failure?  Found an article online but it was from 2006 and too technical for me really.  Need to do some research before going back to my consultant for follow up appointment - any suggestions gratefully received.

Love to everyone x


----------



## JBox

Longtime - have u read alan beers book "is your body baby friendly?" - its q interesting and the inspiration for immune testing.

Hi everyone else hope alls good. My bloods have returned to a better level so did amnio today thank goodness. 

Kat haven't heared from u in a while what's up?

JBT how u holding up?

VW2 sooooo good to hear from u. Very exciting developments ur end keep us up to date and good luck

Pixie - u ok hon?

Everyone else thinking of u have a good week xxx


----------



## Nordickat

JBox - sorry, we ditched work and the stresses and headed to the mountains. I hope you got on OK on Thusday?

VW -     I really hope it all goes well and you come back and announce your BFP. And I hope meeting her in person all goes well and this is the end of the stress and its just excitement form now on.

JBT - I hope you are still finding time for yourself too amongst all the new stress. Don´t under estimate how exhausting it will be for you too   

Longtime - putting your career on hold for a few years doesn´t mean giving up on it forever. You know #9 really might be lucky for us both and then I bet you get your confidence back too and realise you can be a fab mum and get your career back on track too   

Pixie -   I hope you are OK and know that you can come on here and post your ramblings if you need to get them out somewhere. Thinking of you   

Wobs - I hope the humira continues to be kind to you and also does its stuff   

I´m beginning to think more and more that I am at the end of my journey. I htink it goes back to the question months ago about are we trying to become mums or are we just trying to beat infertility now. I´m not sure what category I´m in anymore? Where are you Winegum, I know you have been here too. I am so exhausted by the whole thing that I just want to stop now and try and find a new life before its too late. Is being a mum really worth all these wasted years? I´m just not sure it is anymore. We have put a lot of effort into being childfree and not childless lately and a BFP will really mess with that   . I sat on top of a mountain for an hour this weekend by myself, well with pup too but I know how he feels about tx. He is mummys boy and hates my sadness and would really hate to share me with a baby. I sat trying to decide how I really feel and I just don´t know now if I feel devastated that I may never be a mum, or devastated that I may always be a failure   . Going back to my thoughts that a BFP won´t cure IF. It won´t for me and I know it. I´ll still have a criminal record and rock bottom self esteem. I´ll still be painfully shy and I´ll still be unfulfilled in my work. DHs words were a bombshell yes, but its one I can deal with. What he also said though was that I can´t provide him any support because I can hardly look after myself. He can´t talk to me about hard stuff because he is terrified of breaking me and thats no way for either of us to live  . Maybe its just time to move on? 

Love, a very very confused Katxxx


----------



## pinkpixie

Kat huge     i hope sitting on the mountain helped a bit.  Dont think there is a great deal to say apart from i know where you are coming from the process of tx and infertility is so time consuming as well as mentally and physically exhausting that i worry that when i stop there wont be anything of me left.  I have also almost started to fear getting a BFP as have no idea how either of us would deal with it.  I dont know what to say to help apart from please dont think that you are a failure you are a remarkably strong and brave individual and you will make the right decision for you and your DH.


xx
h


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Kat you have brought up a very good question  if I feel devastated that I may never be a mum, or devastated that I may always be a failure that is food for thought as i am also very confused.. i may not have done as many tx as all you ladies, due to finances but had i gotten the opportunity i probably would have, but i still can't help but feel the same it feels like i have done double figure tx... anyway i am also trying to answer some questions that i  probably don't want to hear the answer to...

As for me my pressure is sky high and we are trying to control it, but i am just so stressed based on all that is going on... i am trying to not allow it to overwhelm me but it is, the allergies are still lingering and that is just another reminder of the ivf horrors  had i never gotten that drug i would not be suffering drom these sporadic allergy outbreaks  

sorry to be such a downer...

JBox happy to hear that your test came back favourably and you were able to do the amnio....

Hi everyone sorry no personals tonite I'm just beat and frustrated...


----------



## wobs

hi ladies

Kat   to you....I think I understand totally where you are coming from....we are going through this last cycle because we don't want to look back and regret, however we were saying the other day that we have been so long as just the 2 of us it would be a major adjustment....I'm with you on what am i trying to beat - I was always told I could do anything i want in like - this has been a big hurdle but maybe at some stage I need to accept that that hurdle is one that a) we won't get over and b) that that is ok.  That things can be ok afterwards.  You're right we hope that the BFP will fix everything.....we wait and don't change jobs/move etc... at it's all linked to what will happen if we do/don't get a BFP....I hope your mountain top thinking helped and you are able to find some clarity over the next days and weeks to find out how you want to move forward.    I know my words are nothing like your wonderful wise ones that you post but I tried!   

JBT   

Jbox - glad levels better....are they still prodding and testing?  

LTW - i think we are quite similar in our treatment - MF and lots of BFNs.....I recently had level 2 immunes tested and one level came out particularly high....This can apparently cause implantation failure and early miscarriage....I'm hoping it is the key to something for us - still a sceptic - but at least we'll have tried everything.  I have a horrible feeling that not only will they want me to take more humira but also do IVIg (more scared about that one).  If you haven't thought about immune testing/haven't had done might be worth having your level 2s done?  Have you seen a urologist for the MF side?
Re: the career - what's that....I've been in the same job for years and desperately want to leave...but got to bide my time while it is helping to pay for treatment....Part of me though thinks we may have more success if I wasn't working all weekend to prepare for the week ahead   

Well hi to everyone else
Must get on!  Wanted to say hi this monday morning, but now need to get to work...eeekkk
Wobs


----------



## Hbkmorris

Morning Ladies.. blimey some of you are really early birds today..

I just want to say that all our emotions together are very stressing to our minds, body & relationships. For those that have the upmost supported DH/DP I'm jeal as my DP is ok but as his already got children he just doesn't feel my pain and no matter how I try to explain it he still seems to be hard shelled and tells me to relax...    not very helpful when your left wondering this is our last chance, why can't I be like those who've got BFP early on, what else is wrong with me, have no faith in myself, i'm not a normal women, hate the PCT for not funding any of our cycles etc etc. I did go to my counselling session and although I was expecting a huge amout of relief I guess I walked away wondering "was it worth it". She was a very nice lady, whom has gone through IVF some 20years ago and after 2 cycles gave up later on in life she decided to adopt and now has two grown up children whom have blessed her life. We discussed the thought of adoption but I just don't feel I can love a child with all my heart unless I had a baby first.. I then realised how wrong that sounded but she did ask me to be honest! We talked about everything any anything but I just don't feel it really helped me. I guess i'm looking for answers with a hopeful positive outcome.. if there is such a thing!!

Wobs may I ask what level 2 test came out high.. I'm just in contact with my local hospital who are going to see if I can pay private for some bloods I've had most of levels 1's done at GP apart from Karyotype & Thrombophilia screen (must include lupus anticoagulant, Activated Protein C resistance, Factor V Leiden, Protein C, Protein S, PAl-1 Gene Polymorphism, Antithrombin III and Factor II Prothrombin gene mutation, Methylene Tetrahydrofolate Reductase (MTHFR) Gene Mutation. My GP will not do these on the NHS and will cost £20-£30 each. I know NK testing is done with level 2 but I know there's more can you advise me on what these maybe please.

I'm really sorry I can't to personals at mo as I'm supposed to be working and the Director keeps sniffing around   

Have a good day ladies
x


----------



## Winegum

Ladies, I'm on the train and on my phone so will do my best with some mini personals.  We all seem to be going through tough times again so are in need of hugs and words of encouragement.  I think the "beautiful dawn" comment applies to a lot of us ATM.

JBox: relieved to here things are ok with your bloods.  How are you feeling about things? Are you in london? I hope you made it in the end and are having a good time.  I always think it's so sad when a BFP isn't the end of the road for IF ladies and can well understand your frustration at yet more prodding & poking.

Ltw: What a lot you gave to cope with at the moment.  Big hugs coming your way.

Jbt:  You too honey.  Don't forget that once everyone else is sorted, it's time to put yourself and your needs first.

Wobs: glad you are enjoying work - always a bonus, not long until half term!  Lovely post to Kat btw.

Hkbmorris: how was your counselling session? Helpful I hope. I'll reply to your pm soon.

Kitten: miss you, big hugs.

Clogs: welcome to the thread.

Vw: lovely to hear from you, and great news!  

Pinkixie: big hugs to you

Nordickat: thank you for your input on C.  I'm working my way through the thread on it and you and it have put things into context. Thanks again.  You have such gentle words of wisdom for all of us.

I could have written your post a few weeks ago.  At the moment I gave come out of an angry phase and I am now "ok".  I still don't really know where I am and what I feel but I think that I do really want to be a mum.  For me it was never about being pregnant, always about having a family and living family life.  I think I want that.  I have felt very hard done by recently regarding the wasted years, the person I have become, the experiences that have become part of me, the fear for the future, the wanting it to end.... So much if this journey is about bl***** patience and acceptance and they are incredibly difficult to learn.  It is also incredibly difficult to know what to do.  I really recognise that tx is an addiction. Maybe I'm feeling ok because I'm just about to embark on another cycle, I don't know.  Regarding babies messing with lovely lifestyle, of course you are going to enjoy being childfree, why wouldn't you, that doesn't mean you will resent the change in lifestyle a baby brings.  Keep posting lovely girl, and I hope we can provide some comfort.

Quick update from me, on train to London, seeing immunologist today to discuss managing my immunes during tx, it is a free apt as i complained that our ladt one was so rushed: result!   Also having dummy ET and endometrial scratch today at clinic  and will start sniffs - never done those before.  Hopefully will fit in some shopping and a quick coffee with a London based FF.

Big love to all xxxx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Winegum.. Hello Good Luck with today.. fantastic news about it being a free apt! What's a dummy ET? you lie there with your legs in the air airing all your bits! Oh joyess.

Look forward to your pm.. As for the Counselling.. well to be honest... not sure why I bothered, she was a lovely lady who had IVF 20 years ago of which 2 cycles failed and then she went on the adopt 2 children who are now adults.. So on that basis she was talking more about adoption to me rather than seeing through difficult times and giving me hope that a rainbow could shine upon me and send me a baby of my own! Not sure I'll be going to see her again as I don't feel I really gained anything other than how strong I must be deep inside and that what i'm doing is for me and noone else. xx


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Morning ladies, can't get rid of me so easy huh!

Anyway just a quick note HBK u must have been in my head when you wrote your post... my husband also has a child and although supportive he just doesn't understand and always says relax and our marriage isn't based on having kids  easy for him to say he already has a brat! I haven't done counselling but I have thought about it several times just haven't found the money or time to do it... something always comes up that is "more important". My job sucks and the only reason I am still here is certainly NOT the money but the flexibility it affords and the fact that I have been here forever my boss knows everything and is also very supportive! So can't move, can't change jobs and can't have a family... sigh!

Well i just wanted to say to you HBK you are not alone... and i agree with you to some extent re adoption.. i asked hubby if he would consider it and he said No without thought   that kind of took me by surprise anyway i need to get back to work as my day has only just begun yours is about ending if not ended already!

Later guys


----------



## Hbkmorris

JBT.. you've made me feel so much better, I was thinking that everyone else will think i'm a fruit cake.. well I am but you know!

Yep partners with kids pretty much sucks at times, i'm not even allowed to have contact, speak, see nothing so i'm virtually a single women in all of this and it breaks me at times but then I find the strength to fight back.. somehow!

Stick with the flexible job it helps keep your stress level down, I'm quite lucky to and I have no intentions of leaving for more money just yet. As for adoption I just can't face that thought right now.. I'm on FET autopilot at mo and shall have to save for a fresh cycle next year if all fails this time round. 

I've been looking into immune stuff, I've had some of my level 1's done at my GP's but there are some (well quite alot) that you have to pay for as a private patient.. If your interested I'll PM you later.

Enjoy your shift... I'm leaving in ooooh 10 mins time xx ha ha ha


----------



## jamaicababytrying

HBK my day had just begun not because of a shift but because you guys are hmmm 6 or 7 hours ahead! hee hee 

I know how it feels re funding cycles it is very very expensive to do ivf here and we have NO assistance whatsoever!!! I always see you ladies talk about immunes what exactly does that mean? The only thing we do here is a blood test before ivf to determine certain levels like fsh, lh, lupus etc... is that what you all keep referring to as immunes? I have been meaning to ask but never did, silly me! Because if there are tests I can ask my doctor about I would... because our FET next year is possibily the last chance for right now... certainly till we save enough to do another fresh cycle and for me to change jobs so for at least another 1 year!

Anyway    HBK yes it sucks to have a spouse with a child! Since you are constantly reminded of the fact that you may never have tht bond with another being!


----------



## pinkpixie

JBT if you wanted to look at immune stuff look at agates thread on here under investigation and immunes explains a lot of it.  It is mainly looking to see if you have clotting issues and/or problems with immune system that means embryo cant implant or if it does can result in miscaarriages.  Is y our body baby friendly by dr alan beer is useful.


----------



## waikiki

Hello ladies,

Sorry that I've been away for so long - I have been lurking from time to time, just been really busy moving house then had to go to the US for a business trip.  To top it all off then I cam down with tonsilitis (at least that hopefully means that the humira has been doing the trick!!)

Anyway, unfortunately I can't do personals tonight but just wanted to reassure you that I am still here and keeping up with all of your news.  Will be back again soon to post properly.

Big    to all you wonderful ladies.

 waikiki


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Thanks Pink I'll do that... so so much for trying to exercise, went walking tonight with hubby and alas as i got out of the car i twisted my ankle so I am praying it isn't sprained and tomorrow I'll be fine... sigh  this year is officially not a good year for me!


----------



## Nordickat

Wobs - your words were perfectly beautiful  . 

Longtime - I haven´t shared the police issue purely because its a public forum and its with the prosecutor but once its sorted I´ll bore you to death with the stupidity of it all ............. just hope I´m not doing it from my police cell  . I´m with JBox on the ´Is your body baby friendly?´book. It will probably help you find the right questions to ask at your followup.

wobs, pixie and winegum - thanks for your thoughts, and kind words too. I do think it will be OK in the end and hey,  if its not OK then its just not the end. The hard bit is knowing when its time to call it the end I guess. It is an addiction though and I´m a bit scared to stop and realise I actually don´t have anything in my life any more. And then when you officially stop, well that it. There is no more dream that one day it might happen, it won´t ever happen, its a definitive end and jeez thats scarey. The shrink is of the opinion that I can´t make a rational decision until the police are sorted which I suppose is true ....... I hate it when she is right!

Winegum - hope your appt went ok and you are back on the roller coaster. And that you managed some shopping  

Waikiki - good new on the tonsilitis I guess   I hope you are ok now though?

pixie -   if you are still struggling through the tough times   

JBT and HBK - I´m glad you have found each other to help with the step children woes.

Grubs up, 
Katxxx

PS. I´m in the UK this weekend - wooooo hooooooo


----------



## billabong

Hiya everyone.

Just a note to say that I have been reading but not posting. I have been a wreck for weeks and have been having scans every week up until last week (10 weeks). I have just been praying to get to past 12 weeks then I can maybe start to believe a little. Well over the weekend I had some spotting, had a scan Monday everything was ok..then in the evening had a major bleed..had another scan at the main hospital (not my IVF clinic) The midwife said she could see a bleed and where it is coming from and basically there is nothing we can do but wait. Sometimes it happens and they don't know why? 
I really hate the fact that even when you think you are there life just throws it back in your face, don't know how much we are expected to take sometimes? I will try and keep positive but just feel numb...how ironic that the baby is doing great but my lining may not hold out!  

I want to send a big hug to everyone and to say I have been thinking of you all, Jamaica so sorry for your news my   are with you and to anyone else that needs them.
Love to the newbies..saucy, longtimewaiting,musicmaker, greeniebap, hkb, pinkpixie, han, waikiki, vw22, jbox, jbt, Mrs Rock, Nordickat, wobs, kitten, winegum and anyone I have missed xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Oh Billabong i've just shed a    (tear) reading your post. This must be one of the worse feelings so far and I know that no one will ever make you feel relaxed but all I can say is the hospital will look after you and will keep a close eye on you from now on. 

I shall be    that the next few days everything quietens down for you and that week 40 comes through with the joy you've long for x


----------



## JBox

Billabong, hang in here hon. have heard of so many stories like this, big bleeds and then all ok.. really hope that its the case with you. have everything crossed for you, fingers, toes, eyes.....


x


----------



## Han72

Just a quickie to say

JBT      so sorry to hear about your mom, I really hope they've caught it in time      

and Billabong sending you so many     that all is well with bubs, rest up honey and take care of yourself. Are you signed off work? 

Kat - faaabulous! Enjoy the UK hon! I wish I was joining you... mind you, my parents are coming to visit this weekend so that's nearly as good  

Love to all and sorry no more persos, I've been absent for so long I've got a ton of catching up to do! I've missed you all tho!  

xxx


----------



## Nordickat

Billanbong   and hang in there baby billabong     

JBox - I'll email soon I promise. I'm completely drowning in work so no use to anyone at the moment anyway but I'm still thinking of you.

Han my looney friend   - lovely to have you back. I'm going to Wales if that makes you any less jealous lol.


----------



## Han72

Nordickat said:


> Han my looney friend  - lovely to have you back. I'm going to Wales if that makes you any less jealous lol.


   Looney toons!! Nope, don't care if it's Wales, I'm still jealous! 

xxx


----------



## pinkpixie

hi to everyone sorry am to tired for personals


am driving myself insane after deciding that we were going to athens for hysto now having massive second thoughts and cant decide to have hysto at private hospital and then treatment at care or to look at argc again.  Has anyone had any experience of argc


hope everyone is doing ok


----------



## Hbkmorris

Pinkpixie.. I can't share my thoughts of care or argc as i'm having tx in birmingham but may I ask when you say Hysto are you having a Hysteroscopy? as I am too before my FET.

After having 2 failed ICSI's that were supposed to be faultless he wanted to put me forward for the Trophy Trial, now when I had the first phone call about a week ago they declined me due to me not having a fresh cycle but since then my cons have spoke to the specialists and they have agreed to scan me in their department but I just won't be part of the trial which is great.

Now my question to you is, have you been asked when your AF is due? I haven't and the apt has come through a few days before AF is due.. my worry is will they beable to see my bits ok with a thick lining? I don't want to ruin the chance of this being a waiste of time.

Any help would be very grateful as the consultant who has contacted me (specialist) I really understand him much so until we go for consent signing next week i'm a tad lost!

Hope everyone else is doing ok... I'm so looking forward to a few vinos tonight that's for sure xx


----------



## pinkpixie

hbk when i enquired about having a hysto done at athens they said it couldnt be done when you were bleeding the best time was at beginning of cycle but could be done at any other time.  Thats good that they have still agreed to do it.  I am struggling finding someone to do it for me   
xx
h


----------



## Hbkmorris

Pinkpixie 

if you go to your GP and ask them to help you and explain the reasons maybe they world refer you to your local hospital for one. I think it's really bad that they aren't offering you this!

Are you having all your treatment in athens? surely by the time you've put the travel & accom prices together you could have one private over here.. a BMI hospital should be able to help you or contact your local OCT and ask them a price for one within a NHS hospital.

x


----------



## Here&#039;s Hoping1

Hello ladies

Sorry been laying low since I first posted. Been struggling a bit holding myself together. I have been lurking though and keeping an eye out for you all.
Billabong- have got everything crossed for u. My very closest friend had a massive bleed and everything turned out fine in the end and she went in to have a completely normal pregnancy. You r in my  
Nordikat - I hope u r ok & finding your way thro everything. It is such an incredibly hard journey. 

Wobs - your words totally struck home with me. Trying to keep any balance in your life beyond treatment us nigh on impossible. 
Winegum - how's the planning going on the immunes? Ok I hope.
LTW - how r u holding up? We were in tww together. Hope u r ok.
To everyone else, thoughts & prayers r with u all. 
Take care all
X


----------



## BABYBEAN

Hi everyone

Im in a really bad place at the min after having my 4th BFN today, was looking through the site and came across this thread.
In the last 18 months, Ive had 3 cycles of IVF with my own eggs, managed to get blastocysts to transfer on each cycle but sadly BFN. In between cycles, believe it or not I have managed to get pregnant 3 times naturally. Once last August, which was a chemical preg, then I was pregnant in March this year, but sadly miscarried at 6.5 weeks. In June this year, I had another chemical pregnancy.
With all of this in mind we decided to try DE IVF and Ive just finished the first cycle, I had 2 perfect 8 cell embryos transferred, everything was perfect- again BFN.     
I am completely devastated, destroyed and confused. I just dont have any faith in IVF anymore, not sure what to do next. I only have 1 frozen embie to transfer and after having spent the best part of £27,000 so far I have completely no idea how I would ever fund another donor cycle.
Reading through the thread has given me some comfort and hope at a time when I am broken. Would be grateful if I could join in, to try and get through this difficult time and hopefully help others along the way as well.

  to all
babybean


----------



## Hbkmorris

Oh babybean I'm so sorry to hear of your last bfn.. It bloomin hurts and as you know we've all shared your heartache. 

Gosh to conceive naturally and then the mc must be heart breaking. Have you had any of the immunes testing done? I know after all you've spent it's more money but whether their your eggs or donor if your body is rejecting them then non will stay.. I mean that in the niceist way! 

I've had 2 failed and just about to start FET in October/November and I'm terrified of another failure. I've decided to have my level 1 immunes bloods done next month and if they come back with probs them will delay FET until I've hot to the bottom of things. Also I'm have a hysto to make sure all is ok down under.. Maybe that's another option to look into.

I'm not sure what else I can offer other than all the support & hugs in the world and you want to scream, shout or cry feel free to pm me as I've done it to folk throughout my last 12 months. 

Xx


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi everyone – just back from a weekend away and a party where everyone seemed to talk about their children!  Felt like I was on the very of tears the whole time – and there were people with lots of different experiences there.  Three families with 5 kids!  One whose daughter died in a horrible accident.  One with two DS kids and no father.  One who gave and child up for adoption when she was a teenager, then adopted a child later in life who is very very difficult.  Another one with two adopted children who have both ended up in prison.  Some more straight forward stuff too but all very stressful and upsetting!  Sometimes I feel like a right wimp – everyone has horrible stuff to deal with and mine ain’t that bad!

Thank you to everyone for all the immunes suggestions.  I read loads about immunology last year but wasn’t completely convinced.  I’m not sure why there isn’t lots of evidence to show it works when it’s been around for so long and it seemed very expensive?  Maybe I should look again now with fresh eyes.  Some personal experiences would be good if anyone fancies sharing in pm.

Scary reading everyones stuff about when is it time to stop – some very honest stuff that I’ve not let myself think about.  Think I’m addicted for the moment - the decision to move on is the bravest one to make.  I keep going because I’m more terrified of stopping and giving up on the hope of a family than I am about another tx – and I really am terrified about that, not sure how many more BFNs before I go completely crazy.  In reality I know we’re close to the end (we’re doing FETs from what we said would be our last time) but I’m burying my head in the sand for now and hoping it will either work or if it doesn’t that I’ll persuade DH to do more or move onto DS.  Always thought of DS as a fall back option but am now worried that it might not work either.  There is clearly something wrong with me to have so many BFNs.

DH has always been more open to DS than I have actually – my biggest fear with DS is how DH will cope, I’m not convinced he’s thought it through.  I’m the one who wants a family more than him and I’m worried that he’ll resent a non biological child and it could come between us.  When times are tough with a DS child, will he throw it back in my face and say he never wanted this as much as me so it’s my doing and I can sort the child out on my own?  Am I being paranoid?  Worrying too much?  Not giving DH the credit he deserves? 

Kat – going back a few posts I know, but just wanted to say you’re strong and honest, definitely not a failure.  And sorry, didn’t mean to pry about police stuff, completely understand x 

Wobs – just had to look up urologist, so much I don’t know or understand, I’ve just trusted my clinic but think that’s been a mistake now.  Think I probably need to see my GP again.  The work thing is very hard – everyone goes on about work life balance but nothing is balanced in life with tx!

Hbkmorris – shame the counseling wasn’t so great.  Might be an idea to try someone else?  I tried loads of different people and spent too much time and money on people I wasn’t sure about.  Did find somebody good but not an IF person – just somebody I felt comfortable with and she helped me put things into perspective when I really wasn’t coping last year.  

Winegum – hope you’re apt went well.  Thank you again for your pm, I’ve finally replied!

Billabong –   can’t imagine how stressed you must be  

Hi JoWill65 – like you I’m struggling, ups and downs.  Would love to go back on antidepressants to calm it all down but trying to give myself more time.

Hi Babybean – let all the tears out – it’s a terrible time and you’ve been thru so much.  This thread has helped me massively, hope it will do the same for you.  

Hello, take care and   to everyone x x x


----------



## Nordickat

Babybean    another sad signature to add to our family. I´m sorry you find yourself here too but I hope we can provide you with some words of comfort and some hugs when you need them.

Longtime - its not prying at all. I´m just paranoid in case the norwegian police happen to read FF   I´ve written about it on another thread that you have to be logged on to read if you want to read chapter 1000 of ´Kats latest nightmare´lol. And if something hurts you and is stressful then its just as important as anyone elses problems are too them. I have been told off on here before for comparing my own woes to others and now I´m reading it from you I realise how silly it is. There is no sadness scale, yours hurts you and that doesn´t make you a wimp. And as for deciding to stop, I think we are all the same. One day I´m stopping and the next day I´m not and the reason I keep going is because its easier than stopping. Stopping means giving up hope and admitting its the end, and thats way more frightening than keeping the hope alive. Had too much to drink tonight to talk immunes but I will next time.

Jo     hang in there. The days will get easier eventually but you know where we are if you ever need to write it all down   

JBT - suspiciously quiet again   please let us know how you are getting on.

pinkpixie, HBK and Han    to you
 to everyone else.
Katxxx


----------



## Here&#039;s Hoping1

Hey ladies,

Well, I have had a pretty rubbish day today. Work has been $*^t.  
Plus have also found out two people I know fallen pg after very few months of ttc. I am so disappointed in myself that it makes me feel like this - but I just can't help it. I know it's completely irrational and everyone has their things to bear but I always feel that stab of jealousy/sadness for me & DH and whatever else is thrown in there! As I write it down I know it sounds pathetic. I'll be fine tomorrow.

I think me and DH still quite early on in our journey yet so must keep perspective. I think tx is very addictive tho'. I reckon that deciding to try again is like self-preservation against having to make harder decisions. I know it is for me anyway.

We have been to see the consultant. He told us that he was surprised that it hadnt worked for us yet. I don't quite know how that makes me feel yet. Anyway when we pressed him about where he thought it was going wrong he said that he thinks it is simply a case of bad luck. He gave us all sorts of stats about the viability of embryos etc and he thinks we just need to keep trying as much as we can ( financially, phsyically & emotionally!). 

He was actually very nice and when we came away we did feel a bit more reassured - if that is at all possible. I have raised about thyroid - have a strong family history but no symptoms. Anyway he thought it was worth checking and that gave me a good reason to go to the GP. He was also very nice and has agreed to do the thyroid test and the list of other tests ( I think people call this the level 1 testing) so am pleased about that. Going next Monday for bloods. If nothing else it might rule out worries on that front even if doesn't give us any answers. LTW:  I can pm you the list I was given if you want if you are looking into to this stuff too. Also Agate has done an amazing thread on here which explains a lot. 

Anyway, sorry to blab on. Just needed to let out some steam

xx xx


----------



## wobs

Hi ladies

WG - did I really say in a post I was enjoyed work?? When was that??   working ridiculous hours - well 70 hours - don't know how that compares but to me it is far too much.  Am shattered too.  Not sure if its the humira doing that or the work - combination possibly but i like to blame the work   

Billabong - hope things settle down and are ok...thinking of you...       

PinkPixie - we recently changed to the ARGC.  From being a total sceptic and thinking they were just in the money making business (well they probably are too but..!) I now wish we had gone there sooner.  The monitoring cycle was great (you do a monitoring cycle before you can start) - they check your bloods on day 1-3, your have a scan before you ovulate, and then another blood test to make sure you did ovulate.  They are the first clinic to say one of my levels was high and that they would not start treatment with it at that level - looking back at my results it is usually this level.....Also went for it and had my level 2 (chicago immunes done - more in a sec on this HBK) - they showed up 2 issues which could have been the reason for a) miscarriage and b) implantation failure.  It was about a 10 week wait to get our initial consultation and we know it will be v expensive (probably twice the price of standard ivf) - however they tailor the protocol to you exactly which is def what we need now.  If you want any more info feel free to pm me.

HBK - level 2/chicago immunes.  SOrry for delayed response not had a mo to get on FF
I had my level 1's years ago - and a natural killer cell test- when I showed the ARGC they said the natural killer cell test I had had done didn't really mean much.  SUre enough on the ones I had done with them there was an issue.  Also had high cytokines (TNF) cells...
THe tests I had was:
NK assay panel
TH1: TH2 cytokine ratio 
Thyroid function
Thyroid antibodies
Histone Antibodies
Anticardiolipin antibodies
IgA
I explained I had already had thyroid before but they said it was different.

I know that it is all chance and luck as well but at least I won't look back and regret that we haven't tried this.  From being purely MF we seem to have ever growing problems on my side!  However I believe for ARGC will be the best as they do daily scans/bloods etc.. to make sure we get the best possible eggs.  Fingers crossed anyway!!!

Sorry for lack of personals to others; got to get to work now   
Will try and post at the weekend if I get a mo
  to those who need them
Wobs


----------



## kitten77

hello all sorry first off that i havent been on here much, but i have been reading and keeping up with you each daily....ive become a lurker!

WOBS - blimey, how come your working far too much? thats a long week, nearly double my hours. you need to look after yourself.  glad your finding new clinic a help and that you have found some 'reasons' from you tests, hope they can tailor your tx to that now and get the positive result.

JOWILL - oh hun, its sooooo natual to feel the way you are feeling totally. i have felt this for years and the fact that 'wam bam thank you mam' and they are pregnant just hits you dont it. like i have always said, happy for them just unhappy for yourself and that is totally normal - would be worried if you werent.  

i think your right on the fact that tx is addictive, this is what i found, after every failed it was 'right on to the next' and couldnt think of anything else. glad that you have had a word with the consultant and that he has put your mind at rest a bit and your feeling more positive. 

KAT - hope your ok?  hows the police thing going? do you know when it will all be over? always here for you if you need us.  totally with you on the whole stopping thing.  it was never in my mind to ever stop as like you i think stopping was harder than carrying on. 

LTW - well done on the whole party thing, its hard to just stand there all day listening to other peoples stories of children with a happy fake smile on your face. 

the DS situation is a hard one isnt it.  DH said he was more than willing to use DS but when i spoke to him about it again he didnt seem as keen. sometimes i wonder if we both really want children as much as one another, but i think this whole IF thing is a mindfield of emotions.

BABYBEAN - so sorry to hear of you BFN it doesnt get any easier.  so sorry to hear of your natuals and loosing them... so sad.

PINK PIXIE - hello - sorry i cant help with your questions.

HAN, HBK JBOX - hello - hope your ok.

BILLABONG - hows things hun

AFM - nothing to report, other than still feeling really ill, off from work still so getting fed up with daytime tv - how boring is that!!!!!!!

sorry if i have missed anyone - and hello to all.


----------



## Winegum

See Wobs, it wasn't that long ago!



wobs said:


> hi ladies
> 
> sorry to see some new ladies joining us - hello! Sorry for all your heartache
> 
> JBT - that's what we're here for - don't go anywhere
> 
> Just a quick wizz - a v v busy week. Got a new year group and am snowed under already! Oh dear....  Still the positive is that I am enjoying it...
> 
> Off to collapse now!!
> Will try and post properly at the weekend
> Wobs


----------



## wobs

blimey WG!!!!  Did I really say that!!!  I suppose I am being unfair - the actual teaching is fine - it's the preparation/marking/everything else that goes with it that adds up to stupid hours...   However am going to have a day off this weekend somehow even if I work into the night on one of the days...Feeling soooooooo tired


----------



## chadwick13

Hi all, 
I hope you don’t mind me posting here. I’m not sure I qualify for a veteran yet. I’ve been positing on a local clinic forum, but the dynamic has changed completely and is now mostly used by relative ‘newbies’ who are full of excitement and enthusiasm, with baby scans as  their avatars. I don’t think they can quite ‘get it’ until they’ve had that bfn...

DH and I have had 2 unsuccessful ivf rounds. I have limited reserves, and my egg quality is not good. We went back to the clinic yesterday, fully intending on starting the ball rolling for a third and final attempt, but came away feeling as flat as ever. The consultant told us we have about a 10-15% chance of success given my egg quality. He then came up the THE WORST analogy ever about how ivf is like taking a football penalty, although it isn’t guaranteed that a professional footballer will score a goal, our chances are more like a kicking a half inflated football with a pair of slippers on. Cheers for that.

Arghh. I think we’ll still attempt the 3rd round, even if it’s just for the insurance of not having to say ‘what if’ in 5 years time – but it’s so hard.


----------



## Hbkmorris

Oh chad I totally understand where your coming from, I like you have had failed attempts and nothing makes it easier. 

What a way for your cons to put it.. I'm shocked by his words.. I think I would of launched a bunch if I'd of been there!! 

Why have they said your eggs are poor quality? Do you have many when it comes to ec? How do they fetilise.. i.e numbers? What are you fertility problems? The reason I ask is because on my first cancelled cycle they told me I has poor quality then on my second I changed protocol, started accupuncture & reiki and would you believe a though no many but better embies, then my third got to blasts although they still say my eggs seem good I'm left wondering if there that good why won't they implant! I've got low amh & blocked tubes whilst my dp has very low sperm count so we're faced with do we go for sperm donor or donor eggs which of course costs a fortune & we've already spent £10k.

Do you have any frosties? Maybe I'd ask to change protocol, Ive had flare protocol and it should give better quality over quantity of eggs.. 

X


----------



## billabong

Hiya

Pinkpixie- Sorry I have been meaning to post sooner. There was a lady that posted on here last month called Kirsty, she is on a local thread that I also post on. She is really nice and helpful and over the past month has been doing lots of research into different clinics. She has found out alot of info which may be helpful to you and I know she won't mind you PM her. Good luck  

Chad- A lady on my thread had poor quality eggs and her Doctor was quite blunt and said she should consider DE and not to bother with her own. She had her 3rd TX, got 3 eggs, put 2 back and luckily it worked for her,she is due next month. She was give the same % rate of success. Sometimes it is confusing to listen to figures, I had a 29% chance on test date that it would carry on and up to now it is still with us. (I had a HGC result of 29 on OTD)

Big hugs to everyone else and the newbies on here, will do personals soon xxxxxxxxxx  

PS- I managed to get to 12 weeks on Tueday, we had our hospital apt. It all looks like it is going well for now. I am still spotting though which is a worry. The Doctors have said that if I can make it to the 20week scan then I am pretty much going to be ok as they can do checks..hmmm Means more waiting! I am taking it very easy and it is quite sad as me and DH don't dare to talk about it. I wish we could be like all those lucky ladies that blink get pregnant and don't give it a second thought. Well I have waited years for this so I can't complain for waiting a little longer.. I just pray every second it sticks around for us. I have beaten my record, the longest I have been pregnant for in the past was 11 weeks  

PPS- I do apologise if I make any of you feel uncomfortable by speaking about it, please do not feel bad as I know how it feels. There are some threads where the ladies can go on a little (I am happy for them) but I don't want anyone to feel like that. If anything I want to be able to give you hope besides 5 IUIs this was my 7th transfer. It is so difficult and the PMA does dissapear after a couple of attempts. I am sure if it weren't for the money a lot more ladies would get their dream.


----------



## chadwick13

Hi hbk, 
Thanks for the response. Sounds like you've been through the mill. 

I don't know what the quality is so bad. We had about 10 follies the first time and 6 eggs. The second time we had more like 18 folies, but still only 7 eggs. There is usually a good fertilisation rate (I think about 5 each time). However, they don't develop well. At a 3 day transfer we had 2 grade 3 eggs put back (2 and 5 cell), and the 2nd time we had 2 grade 2s put back (but they'd only developed to 2 cells after 2 days). We've never come any near frosties.


----------



## billabong

Chad- Have you had any tests? I have had all the standard ones done over the years and recently my Dh had the DNA fragmentation one done which showed up quite a high % of damage. I think they say after day 2 or 3 it is the mans side that takes over with the embryos? Hope it helps, good luck xxx


----------



## Geordie_chick

Hello may I join you? I think I count as veteran now and I feel I need a bit of support and somewhere to hang around.

We've had our first immunology cycle at Care and did get a BFP but we had the 7 week scan on Tuesday and there was no sac or heartbeat. They called yesterday and the blood test did show that we had implantation and probably lost out at 5 weeks. I can't begin to get my head around it and doing the usual what did I do wrong when I know that post ET we did all we could - off work, never missed the pills or the injections that we've been having to take.

We have follow up on 12th October and I had some questions but wondered if anyone else is a immunology veteran?  I am not sure that I understand if this all works apart from that we've got further than we have on non-immune cycles and I felt better during the tx and had this great promise this was our best chance.  

Sorry such a down post - we go on holiday tomorrow and I had stupidly packed all the lutel meds ready to go and we were meant to see the midwife and have a intrallipid today - the house is empty and the meds packed away, it's like I am haunted.


----------



## pinkpixie

Geordie    that is so rubbish.  There are quite a few of us on here who are having immune treatment, i have had the tests at care and next round will have immune treatment but not convinced it is the miracle cure some clinics badge it as.  Hope you feel better soon  


Kitten hope you are feeling better soon


Chad i know some ladies swear by the Dhea (think thats how you spell it) supplements to help with egg quality have you tried all the supplements etc??


Billabong congrats and thanks for the info will find her and pm her.  Will keep fingers crossed for you and i like hearing your updates as gives me some hope!!!


wobs my friend used to be a teacher and the hours were ridicolous hope you have a day off at the weekend.  Thanks for the info about ARGC


winegum hi how are you


JBT are you ok you have been quiet recently??


Jbox hope you and bump are ok


Kat did you have a nice time in wales  Hope the police stuff has gone away.


Jowill thats good about your GP i think its worth getting stuff checked out even if it is just for piece of mind.


LTW i know where you are coming from about the immunes am not convinced by it all but am too scared not to try it if that makes sense.  It is rubbish at group occasions now hate it when everyone is going on about kids.


Babybean   


hi to everyone else 
it is so sad that there are so many of us on this thread but is nice that there is the support we can give each other


AFM went to see private gynacologist today and what a difference.  Actually saw this bloke under the NHS and he couldnt wait to get us out of the consulting room wouldnt answer any questions wouldnt listen and claimed our failures were just bad luck, what a difference today when we were paying for the appointment    was lovely and helpful.  Anyway he has agreed that a hystoscopy would be a good idea and am booked in for it on tuesday!!! He says it wont hurt and will be just like having ET so no anathesitic or sedation needed.  Its weird going to have something and wanting them to find something.  Would be great if there was a simple reason as to why its not working.
Anyway going to carry on watching educating essex!!!


----------



## Winegum

Hello everyone

*Billabong:* Fabulous news from you - a milestone reached, congratulations. I will only start to mind pg chitter chatter on here when 50% of us are pg and there is no more thoughtful reflection, so please keep coming on and telling us how you are, OK? In the meantime, you: hang on in there and baby billabong: grow strong.

*Pinkpixie:* Are you still going down the Athens route? Serum does certainly seem to have a huge and loyal fan base and if there is something in there that shouldn't be there, they will find it and get it out. For me, I almost wish I had never gone down the immunes route....almost. I expected to take some tests, have some treatment which would sort things out and everything would be perfect for cycling - it didn't occur to me that it would be just like everything else and actually throw up more questions than answers. You would expect me to be less naive wouldn't you!

*vw22:* How are things going? Hope you are hanging in there and still taking slow but sure steps towards your dream.

*Nordickat: *Is Melatonin a growth hormone? Re Chlamydia, I swear my AF is also bright red blood where it didn't used to be. I'm taking a second course of Abs - last time we had 1 large dose of Flagyl, 1 large dose of Azithromicin, 21 doses of Doxycycline twice a day and one large dose of Azi again. This time my cons has given me 21 days of Doxycyline and 14 days of Clindamycin (1 tab every 6 hours) I will finish the course half way through my 2ww - presumably it is OK to continue to take the abs this far - he did know I was close to cycling and seemed to think for quite a while before deciding on the protocol. I've only fouind one other lady who had this protocol and I'm going to pm her about it. I'm in two minds about it all still but figure it is a cheap and easy thing to do so why not do it. Logically, it makes sense to me that my TNFa is high from the Chlamydia. My NK are off the scale low, so nothing to worry about there. Anyway, let me now ramble on about something else. I am with you on the "wanting to stop NOW and find a new life" For me, the finding a new life is crucial as the finding it and the making it is what will replace the addiction of tx, and maybe more than that, the addiction of being an IF patient. I have been working hard lately at identifying what it is I might like to do and be good at in the next phase of my working life. Instead of lamenting the lost years etc, I have been thinking of all the things I am going to do and all the things I am going to spend my money on etc - I feel on the cusp of this new life. I picture myself at a fork in the road and one direction leads to family life and the other leads to a new me. I feel like I have already taken a few steps down the "new me" route. I've always been very determined to "beat" this but lately I'm finding it easier to contemplate "giving up", I think that's because I can see what I will hopefully be gaining. How are you doing - still deciding? Had anymore chats with dh on the matter? Did you have a good weekend in Wales? I hope so.

*Wobs:* Ha! Yes, you did say it. I can totally see how the extra work exhausts you and takes the shine off the pleasure of teaching. What are your tx plans? My TNFa is still elevated (50 ish) despite 2 x Humira and 2 x ILs. Are you managing to do some walking? I have quit swimming and running for now and I enjoy going on power walks and doing a few toning exercises with weights instead.

*Mrs Rock:* Long time no hear - how are you?

*Jbt:* Ditto - hope you are OK?? Are you still postponing your FET? What is the construction you talk about? 
*
Kitten:*
Will you be telling us any news like Billabongs Miss hearing your chitter chatter and hope you feel better soon.

*JBox:* No news from you either - I hope you and cargo are OK.

*Waikiki:* Nice to hear from you briefly. Hope you are Ok and enjoying your new house.

*Han*: Are you doing your TEFL course?

*Hbk*: How are you doing? I've sent you a quick pm

*JoWill65:* Have you had anymore thoughts about how to proceed after your cons appt? I hope you are OK

*ltw:* Thanks for your lovely long pm - I will reply anon. You said something very true which really hit me about being more scared of not being a mummy that doing another tx - when you say it like that, it seems so clear suddenly as to why we carry on.

*Greeniebop:* Where are you?

*Saucy Sailoress, Musicmaker, Clogs, Babybean, Geordiechick and Chadwickthecat,* you are all welcome on here and I hope you will stay and find some confort - sometimes we go though dry patches (like now) and other times we are very active, so bear with us, and tell us a bit more about you and your journeys.

*Chadwickthecat:* The IVF analogy you related had me in stitches - I mean I can imagine one of us coming up with it and saying it in jest to each other, but for a doctor to say it to your face..... I was laughing so hard I had to read it to dh. Let's just hope that Wayne Rooney nor Fernando Torres is taking the penalty for you next time, you never know, given the right preparation you could do a good job with slippers - it's possible to be successful using an unorthadox technique!
*Geordie Chick:* Sounds like you need big hugs. So sorry for your BFN.

*AFM:* AF is here, off up to London for my baseline scan tomorrow. I may be on here all the time, I may not, I don't know whether I will want to talk about it or ignore it. ATM I'm feeling OK. Quite positive about a new clinic and different protocol. Don't think it's quite dawnwed on me exactly what I am doing yet - it's been quite a long time since my last tx. Things are good between me and dh, both of us having come out of a dark spell, so, all we can do is get on with it.

Love to you all
Winegum x


----------



## pinkpixie

Winegum good luck for your scan today.  I have shelved athens for the moment going to have hysteroscopy done in Manchester next tuesday and then see where it goes from there.  I am with you on the immunes am still not convinced but am to scared not to have the treatment just in case    the thing is with care is that they dont offer a lot more of the aggressive immune stuff such as humaira and IVG so will just be having intralipids as well as steroids etc cant decide if that is good or not.  
I have some questions about the hidden C test i thought about us having it done but decided against it cos i must be low risk of having it (i know i am being thick here but the only way of catching it is through    isnt it) can you be at low risk of having it


hi to everyone
xx
h


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

Hi ladies,

Sorry I haven't been on here for absolutely ages. Have had some good news on the work front. DH has been absolutely miserable since he changed jobs nearly 4 years ago but his old boss got in touch and asked him to come back on a really good deal so he starts there tomorrow and he seems so happy again!!! I also got a promotion at work this week so I am now a joint deputy head of department. Its only for a year which is ideal as in January we are going to approach our local authority to seek approval for adoption!!!!! I feel happier than I have done in a long time. I am still so sad that we can't have a baby the 'normal way' and that treatment didn't work but I am sticking to the hope that adoption was the journey we were meant to take.

Anyway sorry for the me post, its just been so long since I have felt settled and 'together', I am loving the fact that I have no drugs in my system...except for the multi-vitamins. Have been a bit of a head case these last few months and have finally opened up to the colleagues in my department and they have been lovely. Also found out that a friend at work is about to start her first DE IVF so its been lovely being able to support her. We have also booked a completely extravagant holiday for half term so I am now on daily dates with Davina to try and get the weight off that I put on with treatment and if nothing else tone up those VERY wobbly bits!!! poor DH doesn't quite have the girl he married but I'm not far off and have managed to lose 4lb this week. 3 weeks to go so going to try super hard as want to parade around in a bikini and sample LOTS of cocktails!!!! 

So ladies, lots of news on here.

Winegum - hope the scan went well 

NordicKat - I hope that all the 'stupid' stuff gets sorted and that you find some peace after it all.

Wobs - not long until half term!!!!!!!  

Am on phone so can't see any more posts but will try and get better.

Have a great Sunday ladies and make the most of the sun xxx


----------



## wobs

Hi ladies

Apologies in advance - as it won't be a mega post like WG's!

Greenie - that's great news.  Well done you on working out what you are going to do & having a plan etc... I really hope the adoption process go speedily and smoothly for you.  Well done also on loosing all that weight this week!! wooohooo!!! Cocktails here you come!   

WG - hope baseline scan good.  Glad you are in a good place.  Thanks for your kind words.  Have had a day off this weekend - and what a different it makes!  Feel rested and relaxed ready for the week ahead... Have my humira bt in a couple of weeks - hope it has helped, but have a suspicion i'l be one of those it goes up for....fingers crossed.  they do say that it can make a difference anyway don't they....

Pinkpixie - hope hysteroscopy goes ok.  I know I just felt a little sore and bloated afterwards.  

Billabong - great news re: your scan. It is lovely to hear your news.  And I'm sure it gives us all a bit of hope. 

Geordie chick - sorry for your BFN....it's so hard when you think you have finally cracked it...unfortunately I think there is a lot of 'luck' in this game...   

Chad - can't believe the consultant said that....then again maybe I can!!!   

Hi VW, Kat, MrsRock, Han, JBT, Jbox, Waikiki, HBK, JoWills, SS, Musicmaker, Clogs, Babybean

Hope you've all managed to get out and enjoy the lovely weather this weekend (those in the uk that is!!)

take care all
Wobs


----------



## Nordickat

Bit of a quickie as I really should do some work after a very very long coffee with my friend   

Greenie -   it lovely to read such a positive post. There will be tough days ahead but at least you know  you are heading in the right direction now. Lots of luck with a adoption. Its a really hard process, very frustrating at times but at the same time its interesting learning about yourself.

Geordie  I hope having a holiday helps clear your head a little. 

Winegum - melatonin is the sleepy hormone and there is a study shwoing it helped with egg quality. I'll take it again, if it helps egg quality then geat, if not, at least I'll sleep better. Its perfectly safe and natural and really good for jetlag too. When we are away I'm finding it easier to appreciate being childfree, I'm still struglling with it in the real world of day to day living and I'm a way from being content to stop tx, but I do sort of feel I'm finally starting to head in the right direction. Of course I hope you take the BFP road     

pixie - not a daft question. The only way to get chlamydia in your lady garden (  love that term) is through sex. If you and your DH have never had sex with anyone else ever, then you are low risk. But, just one partner before you met will increase your risk. I hope you got on OK yesterday, a good cleanout might be all your body needs to keep the next babies safe.

Chadwick - your Dr wants   if you ask me. You are in the same situation as me embie wise. We used to think it was a sperm issue as our embies always stop dividing at day 3 and also our fertilization rate is poor. Last time though we used DS and got fantastic fertilization  rates, sadly all bar 1 embie stopped dividing at day 3 again so to me its clearly an egg issue. Do #3 though otherwise you might regret it. I haev decided its safer to regret trying again, than to regret not trying.

Wobs - we had a day of sun here too but its autumn for sure now. I hope you are OK underneeath the tiredness?

Billabong, kitten, JBox and MrsRock   and   

Jo, HBK, babybean, longtimewaiting JBT and Han   and   to you too.

AFM - I'm not going to prison   I have a 2 year good behaviour thing but thats it. When I initially found out it was OK I was elated but then it went wrong again and I was heading to prison. When I was cleared again this week I lacked the joy and relief. I don't know why but I think I'm just drained and tired of the whole mess. Anyway, once I have found out if it is completely removed from my record in a couple of years   , then I can jsut put it behind me. I told my friend about it all today and its the first time I've told anyone other than the shrink and it was such a relief and we even laughed about it   . Just realised I didn't ever confess to you what it was. I was charged with the illegal import of controlled substances (DHEA  ) which is concidered as serious as importing herion   and carries a 1000 pound fine and 16 days in prison. My shrink wrote a letter to say I was bonkers at the time and they should go easy on me and it seems to have worked. As long as I am squeaky clean for 2 years I'll be OK. And I have made a decision about tx. I have to do #9. I don't have a choice. I don't think I will ever be able to move on from this if I don't get this attempt over and done with. I need to draw a line under it so I can find closure and work out what my new life will be. I know its going to be hard and I'm under no illusion that 2012 will be a breeze, but just maybe I can focus on being Kat rather than being infertile.

Lots of love to you all, 
Love Kat (the free woman   )


----------



## Hbkmorris

OMG Kat firslty WELL DONE YOU and you keep the clean Kat for 2 years secondly HOW BLOODY STUPID.. Our law system is terrible.. all that money spent on something so silly when there are so many bad people in this world that get away scott free if not never found out!.. OOooh it angers me.

fair play to you for saying anything.. Import of DHEA so your telling me I can't get it via the internet or are we talking a tonnage load!?!?!? Regardless I can't believe it's taking all this time for it to be sorted out.

On a positive side treatment number 9 may just be your lucky star.. I really hope so as you've been through the mill muffin.

God Bless you x


----------



## Nordickat

HBK - don't panic! I live in Norway with very strange rules and all sorts of stuff - wine from a special shop, no Strepsils, no Lemsip. But you are right, there are far worse people in the world. One of my smallest moments was sitting waiting for my police interview surrounded by what looked like the dregs of society who no doubt had committed some real crimes   

The UK is fine and you'll not be breaking any law if you bought DHEA online. And no, it wasn't tonnes I tried to import, it was just 3 months supply and if I had known it was illegal I wouldn't have done it but as you can buy it in Holland&Barrat in the UK, it never occurred to me it might not be legal here. Being squeaky clean is not as easy as it sounds though as so much stuff is illegal. 

I'm don't have very high hopes for 9 being my lucky number, but thanks for hoping it is.


----------



## wobs

Kat - OMG!!!!!!  DHEA!!!!!!! Isn't that something lots of people take for fertility?!!!! So pleased it is all sorted out now...you must be soooo relieved!   
Well done too on getting things sorted out in your head.  I'm kind of with you on the I have to do this last go - I am under no illusions but I need to do it for me so I don't look back and regret.  Then onwards and upwards - that's what I say

take care all
Wobs
Ps yes thanks Kat I think I am ok underneath all the tiredness - not too sure really though - get up, go to work, come home, eat, work, sleep (usually early) and do the same the next day.  Methinks I need a break at half term!!!


----------



## billabong

Kat- Oh dear, you poor thing, so glad it is sorted out now and you can put it behind you! Seriously what a joke when there are REAL criminals out there and they are wasting your time over something silly. Well, I agree that you should follow your instincts and see what number 9 can do for you   

Sending you and everyone lots of love xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## waikiki

Well it's a good job I don't live in Norway otherwise I'd probably be doing a life sentence given the amount of DHEA I've put away over the past 3 or 4 years!  Seriously though, I'm so happy to hear that all of the stupid legal stuff is behind you now Kat.    

I understand how you cannot get your hopes up about #9, I feel the same way about my #8 which is fast approaching.  I too have been starting to feel better during the spells that I am away from tx, but perhaps this is because I know that I still have a teensy tiny little chance left, tucked up my sleeve.  I met a heavily pg friend the other day and the only thing that got me through it was that I kept thinking 'that could be me next year'.  The day that I stop for good (if I don't get my BFP before then of course) will be so hard and I am in awe of the ladies that have had the courage to take that step.  

Sending    to all of the other lovely ladies.


----------



## Hbkmorris

Ha ha ha Waikiki that's funny.. The amount of different pills I pop I think I'd be with you on that one!

Lets keep all our hopes & dreams up ah as we all have got to get our BFP soon.. My heart goes out to both of you that have had so many tx and I hope the road will soon be over as your dreams WILL be fullfilled. I'm only on round 4 with FET coming up and I feel such a dam failure it's untrue so my heart does goes out to you.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. I think i've got a dreaded cold on it's way.. feel like it needs to be the end of the day already!! Very very tired.

Anyhow Take Care all.. Happy Wednesday x


----------



## Here&#039;s Hoping1

Just checking in to say Kat I'm so pleased for you that all that stuff is now behind you. 
Who could have possibly known that simply doing that could cause so much worry and trouble for you?!
Anyway, onwards & upwards!!
Yay for you!
x


----------



## Myrtle Mop

Hi all, 

Hope you don't mind me butting in to ask a question. 

I'm 37 and about to start my 3rd round of ivf. I want to do anything I can to increase my chances this time. On the previous 2 rounds, I've had a fairly poor response (about 6 eggs, but not great quality). On my both previous occasions, I didn't do anything extra (no brazil nuts, no full fat milk, nothing).

Has anyone had any experience of combining ivf with any alternative therapies, supplements, acupuncture, etc? DH and I have promised ourselves this will be the last time we put ourselves through this, and I'll try anything to increase my egg quality!


----------



## Hbkmorris

Hello and sorry to hear your past ivf's havent brought you your dream. I have the same problem 3 cycles first one was cancelled due to poor response and next two I did acupuncture and reiki, they both helped me to relax immensely and I honestly believe helped my egg quality. Although we only got 6 or 9 fertilised we were lucky enough to get 2 frozen embies 2nd cycle and 2 blasts frozen on 3rd so I'd say defo try Acu and take pregnecare conception. I did eat brazil nuts and had milk (semi skimmed) but nothing else. I'm still waiting for my bfp but I do believe certain things can help your eggs. 

Im having a hysto scan done on 14 to check my bits and if nothing comes from that then we've decided I shall have my level 1 immunes done.

Good luck to you.. May all our dreams come true xx


----------



## longtimewaiting

Kat - I can't believe DHEA got you in so much trouble.  It's ridiculous.  I've taken loads of it over the years - I remember our consultant originally mentioning it in an odd way because it wasn't sure if it was legal!  Really hope you can put the horrible experience behind you now and move on to focus on tx number 9.  I wish I could say I'll be doing number 9 soon too but DH still doesn't want to talk about it.  Biting my tongue and hoping after our follow appt in 3 weeks will be a good time for him.

Myrtle Mop - I know it sounds crazy after Kats experiences but have you tried DHEA?  It's ok to take it in the UK and it improved egg numbers for us - we took 75mg a day for 4 months before starting puregon/menopure.

Hello to everyone else - I've been reading Vetran Barbies which has been really helpful.  Not feeling so lonely and crazy in my thoughts!

 to everyone.


----------



## wobs

hi ladies

Hope you're all doing ok

Myrtle Mop - sorry for your BFNs
Have you had your AMH tested?  Although it got me into a bit of a panic when we got our results (!) it will give you an indication of your ovarian reserve & likely number of eggs - quite a few clinics use this now to tailor their protocol so they know how you will respond.  Did you get eggs from every follie or did you have some empty follicles?  Lots of protein, milk and water is supposed to help during stimming.  Not sure what your 'issues' (sorry!!!!) are - assume you've both had all the standard tests done.  Try and forget that this is your last time, even if it is, as I think that will put pressure on you both.
Re: acupuncture - it is supposed to be v helpful for relaxing etc... if you like it anyway it can only help.  For me the very thought of all those extra needles is enough to induce extra stress, so not a good plan for me!!   
Supplement wise - pregnacare conception or something similar for at least 3 months prior for both of you.  Plus depending on DH's swimmer poss vit E/C for him.  
Also depending on your AFC (antral follicle count) at the beginning of a cycle, may or may not be a good month to start

LTW   hope DH starts talking about stuff soon.  Do hope the follow up goes ok.  Men do take a while to process this stuff don't they...take care

HKB - hope your hysto is ok

have a good week ladies
hugs & positive vibes to those who need/want (!) them
Wobs


----------



## pinkpixie

Kat   thats wonderful news but must have been such a stressful time for both of you.  


Greeniebop thats great news about jobs and hope you have a lovely holiday.  Hope Davina is working her magic   


wobs how long is it till half term for you??


HKB hope your hysto goes ok 


JBT hope you are doing ok


Jbox how are you??


Mytrle i have been having accupuncture for a while now and although it hasnt made a huge diff re egg amount it has helped me deal with everything so if it something you like the idea of its worth a go.  Like others have said extra protein helps as does heat during stimms i used to sit with wheat bag on my tummy all evening.


hi to everyone else.


AFM had hysto last week and once again it has raised more questions than answers everything was normal but linning was a little thin for time in cycle.  Consultant then decided this is why it hasnt worked and recommended oestrogen patches.  It was only when i came out and had time to think about and check my notes that though to question this diagnosis as oestrogen levels are within normal range and linning has always been thick enough during my fresh cycles so not convinced this is what is causing the failures.  Have emailed consultant with a few questions and he has refused to answer them but told me to book another appt with him to discuss them yep so i can give him another £200 even though i have already paid for 2 consults with him!!!  Am getting rather cyncial about the whole thing.


xx
h


----------



## JBox

hi girls. 

so so so sorry for being so absent. my bloods are still bad and the hemotologist and hospital are still being neurotic, but i feel thank goodness fine, and me and dh with some persuasion on my part to get the go ahead from the hemotologist, flew to london (albeit with the promise that i would wear a mask over my mouth - I DIDNT!!) and we had a fantastic 10 days (weather was amazing for first few days). I had no internet / mobile connection so i felt like i was thoroughly on holiday! 

Anyway , i have now caught up on everyone and wanted to say big sorries to those newbies who find themselves on this thread. Its a very supportive one and the women here are simply fab ( got me thro some very very bad times) but i am sad that you have experienced so many BFNs to end up here. 

To all my oldies here, i hope you are hanging in there and doing ok. I am pleased to read of changes with some, new clinics, new restored attitudes, new doctors, and even a couple of BFPS!. 

i am doing ok, have reached week 24 already, dont know how!!!! not going to pretend that everything is hunky dory with me tho, coz i am still trying to get my head round it all and what we have done and had quite a few cries with dh after spending time with family who discussed how much my nephew looked like his mum and my neice looked like my mum etc... i am finding it hard. i thought by now i would be ok with it, but i am not there yet. 

anyway, hope you dont mind me still being here, despite my status ( i havent updated my signature yet as i still STILL am a bit in denial!!!)

love to you all
xx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Hello sorry i've been a bit distant.. Works pushing me over the edge!! arrrrrrghhhhhhh!   

Wobs.. I'm ok thank you and Friday is Hysto day.. I must check the times as he was going to call me today! How are you doing? Did you have a good weekend?

Pinkpixie.. Your cons has got a nerve asking you to book again at your costings.. what a cheek! I'm worried about my hysto as I want them to find something but also don't if you know what I mean. I'm terrified there going to say "Game Over" you'll never carry but then I want them to say to me that there's nothing wrong.. Going bloomin cuckoo    like! 

I think i'm going to have to have my immunes testing done but the expense is someone a huge concern as we just don't have anymore spares £££ We've spent £10k in a year on IVF and now got to save once again.. Oh the joys. I hope you do get some answers as you deserve them now, keep me updated on your apt.

JBox.. Glad you had a nice in London, the weather has been pretty good.. I just want the winter to arrive now so that I can put my thick tights and boots on! 

UPDATE your status.. everything will be fine muffin. I can understand you concerns but trust me I know you'll both support each other.

Sorry newbies hope your all ok. I shall speak to you all again very soon. I'm late getting back from lunck so must go.

Take Care and thank you for my hysto well wishes.. fingers crossed all goes well on Friday xx


----------



## wobs

Hi Jbox
Great news re: the 24 weeks   Glad you had a lovely time in London - sure it was a perfect break.  And it's been such nice weather too.
Hope all your bloods sort themselves out   

PinkPixie - can't believe that re: not answering questions in an email and just wanting more money!!!!! GGGRRRRRRRR....Would a phone consultation be as much?  Glad hysto ok....That's the trouble isn't it - you just don't know whether they are clutching at straws or actually know something!!!  Is this chap attached to a clinic What about asking your clinic their view on patches as they'll be the ones treatment you - and are unlikely to ask you to pay for advice!!! (as you'll be paying for cycle anyway).  Sorry if I have got confused as feel you might be between cycles...

HBK - sorry re: work!!  I can totally understand.  Thankfully for me only 1 1/2 weeks til half term.
Anyway hope Fri ok.

well best get to work
hi everyone else
Wobs


----------



## Nordickat

morning all   

Sorry for my rubbish posting. I am reading but I'm completely swamped at work. Management wanted me to write a tender, I did, we won, management sacked everyone   . Now I am supposed to deliver a 4 man project by myself whilst being in the lab, in the office, in the arctic and in Brazil at the same time  . We have decided to do our final tx. My Dr thinks its a stupid idea but he is an idiot, the shrink thinks is important to do. She is right I know. Not doing it would just means I can pretend my journey isn't over and keep kidding myself I might be a mum one day. I need to do it for closure. So, end of November is my last shot. Speaking of November, I'm in London on the 19th meeting some FF buddies and if any of you are passing thorugh on sunday 20th coffee and big cake would be lovely   . And I told a real life friend about the police mess and we had a good giggle about it and it was so nice to have it out in the open. Its such a huge relief to share it and laugh, albeit heavy hearted.

longtime - I am bored stupid of tx and talking about it so I am happy not to need to discuss it with DH. Hopefully the whole thing will just pass us by and we can move on to working out how you actually 'decide' to live child free   . Maybe I'm a little naive to think we can do a whole tx cycle without noticing it happening lol. I'm sure your DH is just happy to be taking a break fomr it but will be back on board again once you've got dates and stuff. Still completely paranoid about getting in and out of Brazil next week lol.

HBK - good luck for friday

Pixie - I'd be cynical too. I hope you can find the answers elsewhere without feeling conned out of even more money.

JBox and Kitten -   and   and lots of love to you  both.

Winegum - how is this cyle going?

Myrtle - I loved acupuncture. I'n not sure it helped with eggs or anything but it did make me feel good which must in turn help with egg quality etc.

Jo - flying visit from you. Hope you are OK?

VW - I really hope everything is going OK for you too    

Waikiki and billabong   and   

Han and JBT - I hope youare both OK out there somewhere?

OK, back to the lab to work on cloning myself ans once I haev cracked that I'll be back in touch again   
Katxxx


----------



## JBox

Kat, 
i am pleased you are going for it... i really am
i think you are making the right move....

ignore my pm to you!!! xx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Kat, I second JBox's thought's.. You've got to give it your best shot.. God Bless you x

P.s I think this may be our last go as we've not a penny left!     

xx


----------



## coweyes

Hi everyone can I join?

I am in the process of having pgd at guys hospital since it has been found that I have a chromazone problem.  Any how looking forward to chatting . X


----------



## Myrtle Mop

Thanks for all the responses!
Wobs, we haven’t had the amh test. Our consultant didn’t think it would tell him anything he doesn’t already know, which is that I’m a poor responder. The first time all the follies had eggs, but the last time we only got 7 eggs out of 22 folllies. To be honest, I don’t think we know what the issues are either! We started with a diagnosis of ‘unexplained’, but since having 2 rounds, it’s clear that my egg quality and quantity is not good either. I will check out acupuncture and get some pregnacare though. 

Pink Pixie, how annoying about your consultant!

Nordickat – I empathise about the ‘doing it for closure’. We’ve told a couple of people we’re going to try again, and I’m so sick of the positive ‘mental attitude responses’, that’s fantastic news, I’m sure it’ll work this time. We’re not doing it because we think it’ll work, we’re doing it for closure and because we don’t want to say in 5 years, ‘if only we’d given it one more try’. 

Unfortunately, DH has thrown a huge amongst the pigeons. He's finally started talking, but when he did it was an explosion of 10 years worth of resentment and anger. He said he doesn’t know who he is, what he wants, if he even wants to be a father anymore, or who he needs to be in order to stay my husband   . It’s been a really, really rough few days. Damn men and their ability to bottle everything up for 10 years and only say something when they’re at complete breaking point!!!


----------



## kitten77

hi everyone, like i said, im still around and reading everyday but i havent left you all, im still here.

coweyes - welcome, but shame to see you on here, we have cycled many a time together im afraid to say. sorry to hear about your chrom probs, but maybe now they are able to help and taylor treatment to you.

kat and hbk - i totally agree that giving it one last go is a good thing, if it brings closure (if it dont work) is a good thing and wont have any regrets in years to come. 

kat - blimey work sounds a nightmare! what you company doing? dont stress yourself out trying to be in 4 places at once!  i would have loved to meet up when over but i dont live near london so thats a shame.  glad you were able to have a giggle (if small) about the police thing (which i think is totally nuts by the way, your country has many weird rules!).

hbk - good luck with the hysto on firday.

pink pixie - omg i cant believe they are saying you need to book another consulation to get some answers, that is shocking!!!! my dh thinks that clinics are out for all they can get, this in a way sometimes prove it. im shocked. can you not ask anyone else for advise?

jbox - im so pleased to hear you have reached 24 weeks, what a milestone (well everyday is a milestone if you ask me).  sorry to hear that you are still trying to sort head out with everything. - and update your signature, granted i have only just done it as i was scared.

myrtle - hi and unfortunatly welcome, sorry to hear of your bfn. as for alternative therapies, i have had it all and took it all, acupunture for me personally was awful, could have been the person doing it, but it didnt relax me at all.....reflexology on the other hand was wonderful, granted it never helped with any of my treatments but it was lush to have which cant be a bad thing. as for supplements taking me all me dear, including the dhea - this i have to say could have helped me in the last cycle (which failed) to have more and better quality eggs. 

hello to everyone else and everyone i have missed....dont mean to! xxxx

AFM - please let me know if you do not want me talking about this as i will fully understand....but im afraid your not getting rid of me i will still be here and posting even if not about my pregnancy.

well i had my 12 week scan, turned out i went thinking i was 11weeks 6 days, turns out i was 12 weeks 5 days.....so a week before hand....which is great but weird as that month my fertility monitor said i ovulated the week after....the body is a weird thing, so we got pregnant on a long weekend away! anyway, still got all day sickness, not complaining tho!!!! go back to work next tuesday after 6 weeks off - im scared tho, turned into a hermit!

anyway, better go, off to have a cold can of coke. hugs to all that want or need them


----------



## pinkpixie

Hi Kitten are we officially allowed to celebrate now??     thats great news about your scan.  I like to see your posts as gives me hope that it can still happen    Have you started to tell people yet


Cowyes hi and welcome we have cycled together before as well.


kat and hbk i agree with the closure have serioulsy thought about not doing last go like you kat i think because then i can keep pretending that this journey hasnt ended.  The positive mental attitude comments drive me insane find it really hard not to snap at people when they say that.


Mytrle sending you lots if   it amazes me how blokes can bottle it up for so long this is exactly what my DH has been doing and it all came out in the middle of manchester the other weekend   .  Is it possible that once he has got these things off his chest that he will calm down a bit?


Kat we might be cycle buddies   


jbox congrats on reaching 24 weeks   i hope you are feeling better about everything soon.


hi to everyone else


AFM after that   of a consultant told me he wanted £175 to answer the questions he should have given me time to ask in my other 2 consultations have decdied that i want to go to care as its only time consultant has given us any time and respect just have to convice DH now as he still wants to give NHS a go.


xx
h


----------



## coweyes

Myrtle I am so sorry to hear that ur having a difficult time with ur dh, I hope things improve. X x x c 

Kitten 77
Hello and a big congratulations I an so so pleased for u.

Pinkpixie hello sorry to hear about ur useless consultation. I have been to 3 clinics now and can honestly say I am gobsmacked at how different they all are.  Have u looked Ito the lister? I had a brefe spell with them and found them fantastic. When my chromazoe problem was discovered mr thum gave us a free consultation basically because he felt for us so much. He said that every clinic (probably only private) can carry thecost of a small % of consultations.  X x x


----------



## wobs

Kat - great news re: treatment   
Am totally with you & HBK on giving it one last shot & then closure
Sorry not around that weekend.  would have been great to meet you
PS hope the cloning works!!!

Kitten - great to see your signature   

Hi Coweyes   

MMop - glad DH has started talking... hope it all sorts itself out soon

Hi everyone else   
Best do some more work
Wobs


----------



## kitten77

hi all

yer Pink P - its offical now....still not counting chickens but yer telling people.

hi everyone.


----------



## Nordickat

Hooray - finally we can officially say    congratulations Kitten   


Coweyes - welcome   . I´ve seen you round and about on here. Sorry you have been around for so long but like your signature says, you are starting form scratch now and hopefully one cyle is all you´ll need now   


Pixie - I think my cycle will be very low key and I don´t even plan to stop wine completely or even the odd cafe latte. It never did me any good before and maybe the vino is the missing key. I doubt I´ll be posting about it but we can be pm cycle buddies ...... my last one got a BFP (JBox) so I think I´m some sort of lucky charm.


Wobs - opted for looking like i was about to break and some serious delegation instead of cloning ...... cloning would mean double the Kat so no doubt double the work would follow lol.


Myrtle - A similar DH type ourburst happened to one of my dear FF. The same thing, years of thinking came out in one fowl swoop and all pretty uch what your DH said.   They are now planning their next cycle and very happy to be doing so.   Often I think it comes down to fear. They are supposed to be the strong ones and carry us through even the hardest times biut yet this is all so completely out of control and I think they get scared about just how unknown the future is. I hope he feels better for letting it all out and now you can start the rebuilding   


I´ve just been discharged from my Crisis Mental Health Team and its a huge relief to know I´m now heading in the right direction  . I´ve even allowed to chose myself when I need to see the shrink ..... its like being a grown up again   


Lots of love to you all, 
Katxxx


----------



## Myrtle Mop

Thanks for all the kind words, you guys. 
I wouldn't say things are geting better, but we are starting to talk about things more objectively. I think the last 10 years of him feeling like he has to protect me and not show his true feelings have all come out (that combined with him being the busiest at work he's ever been, putting himself on a crash diet and grieving for idea that he may never be a father - although he says he's fine with all that  ).  We've been up crying together since 4am.... Argh - this is SO hard!
I refuse to become another couple who divorces after ivf. 
Thanks again


----------



## wobs

Myrtle Mop - big hugs coming your way   hope the talking helped

Kat - hope the delegation works

JBT - you ok?

AFM - on count down to half term - 6 days to go

ttfn
Wobs


----------



## Nordickat

aaarrrggghhh! we have no internet and the only tv dh can get is s4c (welsh for those that have been spared from knowing of its existance). i can deal with the welsh noise its the continuous translation from dh that is driving me potty.
wobs - i want to hear lots of none work plans from you for half term.
myrtle - you wont become a divorce stat becuase you are working on it already. you 2 were good before this journey and you can be good after, what ever the result. you just have get everything in the open before you can put it bcak together again. i think some of us have been at that stage before and we are all still happy couples. you will work it out so go with te flow and be honest. thinking of you and remember his will be just as scared as you xxx
kindle is hard work so no more from me tonight.
sweet dreams everone. katxxx


----------



## Winegum

Hello everyone 

*Pinkpixie*: I'm sorry to hear about your greedy consultant.  I have had some experience of a private doctor like that. I know that they can expect to make a good living from private medicine but some of their charging structures are really inflexible and give the impression that they are only in it for as much money as they can get. If you pay a fee for a procedure or a consult about something, any further questions or phone calls should be included in that fee I think. That's reasonable. What's not reasonable is charging a consult fee for two routine questions. With regards to the patches. I agree with whoever else said it to wait until you next cycle. Tell them what the hysteroscopy guy said - it might be a case of changing your stimms, or maybe monitoring your estrogen levels during the cycle with blood tests. About the hidden c, I have been with dh for 17 years and we have both had less than 5 partners prior to meeting. I was so shocked when my hidden c came back positive as I was quite certain I was low/no risk, but it's not about your partner it's about their partners and their partners. I was even more shocked to see that it hadn't gone after a strong dose of ABs. A quick look on the Hidden C threads shows that 95% of the women who get a positive have been in long, faithful relationships and had few partners, and a large number don't clear it first time. It is difficult to get your head around and and I'm not sure what I believe really, but it is cheap and easy to test and treat, so that's what made me do it. Even if there is a 1% chance that hidden C could be causing my IF, it is worth it to me to take the antibiotics. If it is all hocus pocus, then never mind. I will never know. 

*Greeniebop:* What a lovely positive post from you. It really sounds like a "When one door closes, another one opens" moment for you. I know that adoption is another rocky road and nothing is a given and there will be many ups and downs, but having said that, assuming you are able to jump the first few hurdles and are approved, the wonderful thing about it is that you know you will be a family at the end of it. I wish you success with each step. I'm sure dhs new found job satisfaction and the general positive feelings you're experiencing as you emerge from your IF nightmare and a lovely holiday will carry you through. How is the bikini body coming along? Where are you going? Have a wonderful time. 

*vw22:* How are things going? Are you in the thick of it? Looking forward to hearing an update from you. 

*Nordickat:* I'm probably the last one to express my horror at your being branded a criminal, but like the others, I was stunned. I think this is a case when "It never occured to me..." is a genuine defence. You wouldn't think twice about bringing back some neurofen would you? Why DHEA? What about herbal teas??  Anyway - although it has been a nightmare, you have coped admirably. You seem to be in a much better place than you were at the beginning of the year.  You have made a brave and in my mind the right decision about tx. At the risk of sounding like the PMA police, yes, you are doing this for closure, but can a little bit of you do it in order to try and get pg too?  I was asking about the melatonin because my clinic put me on a growth hormone but I didn't know the name until I picked it up - its Zomacton and they give it to kids with stunted growth. Another tender won by Kat - well done.  Why are you going to Brazil? I hope you have a good time even if you are working. I'm certainly not going to rule out being in London on 20th November - I'll put it in the calendar. What are you coming over for?

*Wobs:* Only 1 week left! What have you got planned for half term? Re Humira and immune tx - I think that test results might only tell part of the story and we never know what is going on in the background. Are you planning to retest TNFa before cycling again?

*Mrs Rock:* Long time no hear - how are you?

*Billabong:* You are doing great - how do you feel about things?

*Jbt*: No news from you for ages - it's unlike you. Hope you are OK. 
*
Kitten: *
I'm delighted we can finally celebrate your BFP on the thread!!    I love stories like yours, it really does show that anything is possible and I'm sure you feel that if it can happen to you it can happen to anyone. Very funny that you got pg on a dirty weekend - I hope no one thinks you followed their advice to "just get ****** and have a shag" otherwise they will saying "I told you so" and you won't want them thinking it was quite that easy.  How are things with dh?

*JBox:* Great to hear from you. I wonder if your bloods are just a pregnancy anomaly like gestational diabetes. It's bizarre but the great thing is you and precious cargo are fine. So glad you were able to enjoy a lovely holiday.

*Waikiki:* Hi, how are things with you?

*Han:* Where are you? Are you doing your TEFL course?

*Hbk: *How are you doing?

*JoWill65:* I hope you are OK. What's new?
*Longtimewaiting:* I know I owe you a pm. I will do it shortly. Hope you are OK. Is dh still being a bit quiet about future tx? Have you had your follow up?

*Myrtle Mop:* Welcome to the thread. I hope you like it here. You asked about what you could do to improve things - I think it is really difficult because we all want to believe that there is something or a variety of things we can do to help. In reality, the only thing the clinics care about is the things that have been proven to affect TTC - smoking, drinking, drugs & follic acid. They never say drink milk, eat protein, take fish oil etc. What I am saying is that difficult as it is, we need to put ourselves in their hands, but more importantly we need to feel in the right hands and safe in their hands. That's why, based on my recent experience I wonder if the best thing we can do is change clinics, or at least pay for a consultation at a couple of different clinics to get second opinions. 7 eggs/22 follies is disappointing, but it may not be entirely about you, it maybe about your stimming drugs. I think anything else is about what feels right for you. It's important to feel good about yourself and there is nothing worse than getting to a BFN and thinking I did this, this, and this and took that, that and that but it didn't help at all.  However, if you had reflexology or accupuncture or counselling to relax you and because it makes you feel good, then that will not have been in vain. I'm sorry to hear about dh's meltdown. I know it is worrying, but as others have said, the fact that you are not ignoring it is good. Also, it's good that it has come out even though it was a bit scary. It's horrible seeing someone you know intimately behaving in a way you have never seen tham behave. (The two worst days of my life were the days of my IVF BFNs. DH just sobbed uncontrollably all weekend and didn't particularly want to be comforted at that point, so I felt rejected and like I couldn't grieve to the same extent) It's so good to cry together and to share your loss. I have had recent wobbles wondering if we will ever come out of this unscathed - I've been worried that we will want different things form our futures if it doesn't go the way we want. However, I know in my heart of hearts that if this was going to break us it would have done a long time ago. I hope you come to feel the same.

*Coweyes: *Welcome to the thread. I have seen you on the Devon boards in the past, where I have posted very occasionally and still lurk sometimes and I think you live in Taunton? I'm in South Molton in North Devon. I know you have been through an awful lot but I really hope that now a very specific issue has been identified you will be treated appropriately and soon be on the way to your much longed for BFP.

*Saucy Sailoress, Musicmaker, Clogs, Babybean, Geordiechick and Chadwickthecat*: Are you still lurking? Hope you are all OK.

Big hellos to anyone I've forgotten.

*AFM:* Lots to update you on my end, and I must warn you that I am feeling positive, and details of my tx follow so look away now if you are not in the mood. Otherwise I hope you will forgive me if I'm a little more evangelistic than usual.  Firstly, I am so proud of myself. I have managed to get myself through a tx cycle in London, 200 miles from where I live & a minimum 3 hour car and train journey each way. Where a year ago I wouldn't have considered it possible, I have proved it is possible (Plus I found loads of FFs who have done it/are doing it, one lady from even futher west in Devon than me!) Big pats on the back all round. It's been a logistical challenge but it's actually been easy. I have learnt a lesson that sometimes we should just jump and trust that the net will appear. Changing clinics has worked out well for me, both in terms of results (so far) and how I feel. I realise now that while I was doing my previous txs, I felt that other FFs were getting "better" tx than me (more tailored, more professional etc) and that's why there were able to feel like it might actually have a chance of working. I never got that before. I was just going through the motions, but for the first time ever I actually feel like it might be my turn....I know!! Check me out  Talk of blastocysts and frosties has been beyond my wildest dreams but maybe not this time. As I said in my post to Myrtle, I have felt able to hand myself over to this clinic and trust that they know what they are doing. I have cleared several hurdles, several more to go, but here is my progress to date: My stimming phase went really well, lots of follies were recruited and grew on together without too big a discrepancy in size. On my final scan I had 16 follies. EC was yesterday. I came round to DH excitedly telling me they had retrieved 14 eggs! I promptly started crying and was told by the nurse that it was normal to be emotional after the lovely deep sedation. Good, because that is our best ever count! I know it is about quality and I hope we can match the quantity with quality but you can't help be pleased with that. The consultant popped in and said it had all gone smoothly, an easy collection. No blood, no soreness. The sample was very good but due to previously having ICSI they decided to do a 7/7 IVF/ICSI split. I got the call this morning: Of the 7 IVF'd eggs, one fertilised abnormally by 2 sperm, (I'm sure secretly dh was impressed with his eager little swimmers!) 6 fertilised normally. Of the ICSI eggs, 1 wasn't suitable for injection but 6 were injected and fertilised normally, so we have 12 fertilised eggs. We are so hopeful that we will have something lovely to put back out of that lot. I feel like the clinic and we have done all we can. What will be will be and we will live with it. Bye for now lovely ladies.

Big love to you all
Winegum x


----------



## pinkpixie

at work so quick on e but     to winegum for that fertilisation rate that is so good.  If you ever get chane could you pm me with the details of how you managed the logistics of tx'ing so far away and have you worked through it?


----------



## Nordickat

Winegum - thats fantastic news     

The Brazil trip is sampling the Amzaon and its tributaries   . I'm feeling a bit low again because I'm scared. Reading winegums post made me realise I want this to work so much and I'm very very scared of having to officially stop tx without getting my family. Ho hum. Back to ignoring the reality I guess and throwing myself into work.

Hopefully I can keep up with you while I'm away but if not, lots of love to you all and enjoy half term Wobs.

Katxx


----------



## Winegum

*Pinkpixie:* Will pm you this weekend. I hope I will be able to help. 

*Nordickat:* Lots of things have been going through my mind and I forgot to post some of them but your post reminded me of something. I have so much trouble believing I could get pg and that is based on nothing other than my experience to date. Seeing the BFPs on here has really helped me to realise that it could be me just as much as it couldn't. Recently I have been allowing myself to imagine being a mummy and letting myself want to be a mummy, rather than imagining that I am doing it for dh because he is desperate to be a dad. It certainly makes things a whole lot scarier. You've got a while to prepare physically and mentally - give it your best shot, that is all you can do. As you know, I am not one for being overly positive, but a BFN is devastating whether you are expecting it or not, and I have found myself carried along on a wave of positivity despite my best efforts to rein myself in. It is worth approaching it with renewed hope. As an FF reminded me, we might feel like we are just going through the motions, but we aren't, we are doing it to have a baby, it is OK to want it. Why do you have to stop after #9? Have you and dh made a pact? Much love x


----------



## longtimewaiting

Kitten77 - brilliant news, congratulations on your BFP! Been reading back thru vetran barbies and it was you that started this lifesaving thread - gives us all real hope so see you start this thread and now you've made it! 

Winegum - sounds like things are going so well, I'm really pleased, fantastic fertilisation rate x 

DH said he'd like to sit down and talk things thru this weekend!  Now getting scared about what he might say x 

Will update more soon - but gotta get back to work now.

Hello to everyone x


----------



## Nordickat

Winegum - I'm just so completely exhausted by the whole thing and feel I need to stop. I've had prison and a fine hanging over my head for months 2 months, mental health assessments for as long as I can remember, pills and pains and poking and proding for so long now I just want it all to go away. Thats why we are stopping. And I'm not sure DH would want to continue now anyway and I feel I need his complete backing. And I would have to go abroad now, there is nothing more my clinic can do for me and I relaly don't have the energy for that. I'm too tried of it all to even scrape some hope together. Anyway, this was supposed to be about your fantasic egg count and amzing fertilization rate. Long may those cells continue to divide   

Longtime -   hopefully he has got his head round it all now and wants a chat before all your dates come though. I doubt its anything to worry about and he is more likely just ready to get back on the roller coaster again after his break.


----------



## Winegum

*Nordickat: *Big hugs  I understand where you are now: You have identified the need to stop after one last tx, and I and we are here to support you in whatever way you want us to. How long are you in Brazil and when are you off? Do you get to fly business class as it's for work?


----------



## Nordickat

we fly out monday and are there in the amazon for 10 days. cattle class for us which is 2 grand each. i dread to think what posh class cost. i am so looing forwrad to time away from work but still being so busy i cant think about anything. dh is coming too and another guy and i cant wait now. hoping sampling on the amazon involves seeing snakes and monkeys and stuff.
in london to meet ff cycle buddies btw but i am mooching about by myself on the sunday just doing kat stuff 
battery dying bext hit sned xxx


----------



## wobs

WG - great news on your embies....wooohooooo!!!  Hope the news in the next few days continues to be good.
Thank you as always for your wise words...
I hope the humira is working away in the background - hopefully I'll find out next week....
Haven't got energy to make half term plans but am looking forward to sleeping!

Kat - have a fab time. That sounds an amazing trip!!  

LTW - sure chat will be fine  

Don't think I can add anything to all these wise words that have been said in recent posts - you are all soooo articulate.  I'd like to think I was the same as I am a teacher therefore should be able to write good stuff- but just doesn't come out quite right sometimes!!

Anyway hope the weekend is good to you all
Wobs


----------



## Nordickat

I had to come and tell you about my 4 legged little supporter. It turns out I´m not the only one who doesn´t like welsh tv. DH just turned it on again to watch some rugby show and pup has crawled up on my knee (he is almost 18 kg and way too big). I think he associates welsh language with shouting because the only time he hears welsh is during the rugby when DH shouts a lot. Its clear who pup with side with in a row anyway   .......... such a mummys boy


----------



## Here&#039;s Hoping1

Hey ladies,

Winegum, you truely are a star! You are so kind going through everyone one by one. Glad to hear that this cycle is going so well for you. Have got my fingers crossed for you. I would be really interested to hear how you have managed the treatment from miles away. Have you done anything differently yourself or do you think it is all down to the new clinic that you have had such a good cycle?
Kat, I am so jealous of your trip. What an experience!
Kitten , Congratulations on your BFP! It is so lovely to hear happy news.
To everyone else, hope you are all ok.
AFM, am having a crappy time at work. It is a long and boring story but I pretty much dread going in but we need the dough so needs must & all that. I keep wanting to move but am worried about starting somewhere new and managing the tx. We have decided to go for a FET at the end of November - have got enough holiday to cover it all. Am enjoying my last few glasses of vino this weekend....... Can't really get my head into it at the moment. Just taking pregnacare vits and Zita W's DHA supplements. Not really sure what else to do. Not yet had the results back from the bloods on the level 1's so just hanging on to hear about that too.
Anyway, bed calls - need an early night.
Muchos love
x


----------



## billabong

Hiya

Winegum- Just wanted to say how pleased I am for you, I know it isn't about the PMA it is all about the strength you have to keep trying. I have had good and bad cycles in the past, on one of my cycles I had 9 eggs and only one fertilised the next day that resulted in a BFN. I truly believe it is a game of luck and chance..you have a few embies to hopefully give you a good chance. All the best and let us know how you get on.   

Nordicat- hope you have a great time, I think you definitely deserve this holiday!  

I am sorry I haven't been great at posting on here recently, I have been going through a lot of mixed emotions and things are only just sinking in, after so many years of TCC I can't actually believe it. 
I read everyday to keep up with you all, like previously said you are all so articulate with your wise words I feel a true connection with the different emotions we ladies face and would find it difficult not to be part of this particular thread. 
Love to everyone and promise will get to personals soon. xxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## pinkpixie

Billabong hopefully things are starting to sink in a bit more and you can relax and enjoy.


winegum keeping fingers crossed for you


jowill    hope you are feeling a bit better


longtime hope your chat with DH went ok


hi to everyone else


AFM have started my metformin ready for my next tx and it is making me feel quite sick    but hopefully it is doing what it should be doing.


love n hugs to yoiu all
xx


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hello everyone x

Hi Nordickat – Amazon trip sounds great, have a brilliant time. Completely understand where you are with the need to stop after one more try. We’re nearly there too – that’s why I was worried about chat with DH, more of that in a mo.

Hi Winegum – thank you for your pm, I’ve read it quickly and cried!  I am such a big cry baby! I’ll read again, think some more, and reply soon.  Thank you for taking so much time to give me loads of great advice x 

Hi Wobs – get lots of rest over half term, I’m counting down the days too – only 4 days now!  Good luck with your tests next week x 

Hi JoWill65 – dreading work is awful for anyone and especially horrible when dealing with IF too.  Good news about your FET in November – hope you can focus on that and forget about the work, on the other hand the work stuff might help take your mind off the tx?!

Hi Billabong – good to see you’re ticker at the end of such a long journey in your signature. Gives me hope x 

Hi Pinkpixie – sorry to hear you’re feeling sick - just looked through your recent posts and think it’s good you decided to go with Care, you have to have confidence in your clinic – something I’ve taken too long to realise x 

Hi and   to everyone else. Sorry the personals are only to very recent posters x 

AFM – talk with DH went well, I was worried because I thought he might say we should use our frosties and then stop – he didn’t thankfully but we did acknowledge that we’re both near the end of what we can cope with.  I’ve thought it and probably said it on here, but not really said it to him.  I think he was relieved I could see the end is near and that made it ok for him to say he wants what I want and he’ll support me in whatever I decide. This is obviously great but …… sorry if this sounds ridiculous but …. I feel like all responsibility for what we do now lies with me and that feels scary and like a bit of a cop out for him. I do realise that he can’t win here! Anyway I need to think thru all our options a bit more, talk some more and make some decisions – any advice gratefully received! Particularly any thoughts on leading clinics – I’m not keen on going back to our local clinic.

On another note, my manager told me she’s pregnant today – coped well thankfully! Like Winegum (and others I’m sure) I’m always on high alert for preg announcements and had seen this one coming – although I had actually decided I was getting overly paranoid and had it wrong last week when she ate brie! Not looking forward to seeing her grow – I’ve been surviving another colleague talk lots and lots about her baby. Work know nothing about our tx – it’s feeling a bit weird at the moment as others share all sorts with me and I keep this tx stress all to myself.


----------



## pinkpixie

Longtime -    do you not feel that you can share your tx with people at work?  Do you feel relieved now that you and DH have had your chat??  Are there any clinics you liek the look of whereabouts are you?  As you know its taken me a long time to decide and ultimatley it came up to me as DH would go with what i agreed. 


hi to everyone else
xx
h


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi Pinkpixe - I've not been in this job long and had to leave my last job after sharing tx stuff with them - they were ok to begin with but tx after tx they got less helpful and eventually made my life miserable - they behaved so badly I probably had a case for unfair dismissal but I didn't have the energy to fight.  I just left in a haze of depression - hence my reluctance to share with my new colleagues. 

It was definitely good to talk things thru with DH - I now feel like I can start to look forward and plan - I couldn't do that without his support.

I'm in Devon and have looked at Plymouth and Bristol but since speaking to Winegum have decided to look at London.  Winegum has been great and given me loads of help and advice from her experiences.  I'm thinking of an initial consultation at CRGH - I've emailed them today to ask some questions.


----------



## Nordickat

Super quick message from the jungle  LTW - I find the pressure of being 'responsible' for decisions hard too.
 more later once I've checked out how hot it really is out there.


----------



## Winegum

Hey ladies 

*Pinkpixie:* Sorry I have yet to pm you - I will very soon, I promise. Have you made any form decisions on your next tx, where and when it will be?

*Nordickat:* Hope you arrived safely in Brazil - it _is _a work trip isn't it? I have to say that I am not a dog person unless they are completely unscary, don't bark, jump or lick, but your pup is so gorgeous and I just love the idea of an 18 kilo cuddle  PS Oooo Kat, hello! Just seen your post 

*Wobs: *Are you hanging on in there until friday? Hope you get to have some good sleeps during half term. 

*JoWill65: *Sorry you a finding going to work so tough atm. It's enough to have one area of your life where you feel trapped...Glad you have made a decision about your FET. You asked if I did anything different this cycle. I gave up sugar, yes, completely  and made an effort to go low carb. I wondered if I had insulin resistance as in the past I have had very irregular periods and PCO like ovaries. Since giving up sugar, my periods have regulated themselves much better. I don't really know what effect it has had or if it has been worth it but it has helped me to make much better food choices. I did it with my general health in mind rather than specifically tx. DH and I both took antibiotics this cycle to keep Chlamydia at bay - I did the Greek test, I don't know if you have heard or read about it, but it came back positive. Other than that it is just things the clinic have suggested, like the endometrial scratch. I also had a bit of immune tx, including intralipids. Hopefully it's all working away i the background. So basically, a completely fresh approach. As for managing tx from a long way away, I think the biggest and hardest thing was actually making the decision not to go back to my old clinic. Once I had done that, it was step by step and once I had had a couple of appointments in London, I realised that it was perfectly do-able, so for me it was just a mental shift from "God, I couldn't possibly have tx in London and take a day off each time I need a scan and think of all the train fares etc" to "Hmmmm London has a lot of good clinics, even if I had tx locally I would have to take 1/2 a day off, and the trains aren't _that _expensive, and there is even the bus" I just wish I had done it in the first place.

*Billabong: *I can imagine what you are going through - it must take time to adjust your outlook and to just accept that you are pg. If I am lucky wenough to get pg, I don't think I will look at the scan monitor until I'm at least 22 weeks 

*Longtimewaiting:* I'm so glad my pm was helpful. I have benefited greatly from the generosity of FFs in the past so I love an opportunity to give something back. I'm glad you have got as far as making enquiries - definitely the right way to go. How old are you btw? Only being nosy! Poor you having to deal with your colleagues' pregnancies/babies. If only they knew.....It's one thing knowing about it but another having it in your face. 

*AFM: *I'm still smiling  On Sunday (day 3) we got the call to say that ALL 11 of our embabies were doing really well and ALL were top quality. Assisted hatching was recommended, and ET was provisionally set for Tuesday. On Tuesday morning I got the call and jumped on a train. As of yesterday afternoon I have 2 lovely hatched blastocysts on board, named jelly baby and jelly tot, both grade 6BB/AA. To our great surprise and delight, we also have 6 x blastocyst ice babies. This cycle couldn't have gone better and I'm enjoying feeling happy for the first time in ages. I'm resting up at home, taking it easy. I could get used to being off work...........permanently!

Hello to everyone else 

Much love to you all
Winegum


----------



## Nordickat

Winegum - no wonder you are happy. Thats fab news ....... you're going to need a bigger car for all 8 babies   

We did arrive safe and well although we haven't actually been outside yet. And yes it is a work trip but work for us means going out to collect samples on the amazon river which will be quite an adventure


----------



## kitten77

i just want to say WINEGUM - congrates on being PUPO!!!!! and wow what a bunch - and ice babies too! fantastic, seems your new diet etc seems to help this cycle!  now you take it easy and put those feet up and take good care of jelly bean and jelly tot!!!! 

KAT - you go careful out there!!!! sounds a dangerous adventure to me  

LTW - sorry to hear your last job were nasty concerning tx, its funny how people can change isnt it, so can see why your not wanting to share. 

sorry no more personals, at work (yep back at work, and still feeling sick) - no more news from me. havent done anything!


----------



## Nordickat

kitten - you don't need to 'do' anything. Finally being pg is exciting enough for us   I think you might be right on the dangerous thing ...... there was a croc in the river today when we sampled


----------



## billabong

Hiya

Nordikat- Wow, it sounds amazing! You take it easy though...a croc.. . Sending you lots of  

Winegum- Wow again! Jelly bean and tot on board AND 6 on ice...well done you! You look after yourself and take care  

Big hugs to wobs,kitten, Mrs Rock, jtb, jbox, vw22, waikiki, pinkpixie, jamaica, hbkmorris, geeniebop, jo, saucy, LTW, music maker, babybean, geordiechick and anyone else I have missed xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## longtimewaiting

Crocs!!!  I’ve just had a freak out in my living room over a tiny spider on the sofa – anything dangerous and I’d be hysterical!  Be careful Nordickat!

Winegum – fantastic result, I’m so pleased for you. Thank you for your pm on costs and travel – will have to talk it all thru with DH.  Don’t worry about being nosey - I’m 33 very soon to be 34. Currently stressing about my age, been TTC since 27, never thought I’d get to 34 without a family. CRGH have passed my queries to a nurse so just waiting for a response for now – maybe things could work out by the time I’m 35

Kitten77 – hope the sickness stops soon and look after yourself really well x People can be very strange – just to give you a taster – during tx my old employer offered my imaginary maternity cover to a junior colleague! They clearly had some misplaced faith that tx would work – imagine how I felt when I had to tell them it didn’t, time and time again! 

AFM had a wobble at work yesterday – boss went for her scan and I had a bad moment with the colleague with the baby! Cried and told her some of our tx stuff! Nightmare! She was, of course, very nice and has a friend who did ivf in London who has a baby girl now – always more people affected by this than you think.

 to everyone x


----------



## kitten77

LTW - it is amazing when you actually open up to people who have gone through this, it is WAY more common than you think.  i for one and not shy about telling people now, i like the fact i can be the one to say it and the amount of people who have sighed and gone on to tell me their tx stories, its way more common. 

cant believe they offered the jounior the job! if only it was guanteed that it would work hey!

KAT - you go careful my lovely! dont go talking to any crocs or anything else dangerous for that matter!

WINEGUM - hope your tkaing it easy me dear. xx


----------



## wobs

Hi ladies

Made to it to half term!! woooohoooooo....

WG - great news!!!!!  Hope you have a v speedy 2ww...

Kat - hope all ok out there.  Sounds seriously exciting and scary at the same time!

LTW - I am v pleased we made the decision to change clinics again....I think you have to go for the best clinic you can afford and try not to fret re: getting there etc... For our first 3 cycles we took the easy local option - I wish we hadn't as that was when I was much younger and had much more chance.... As you may know we decided to try the ARGC. It wasn't an easy decision especially as I am an immunes sceptic, however they have found problems with my immunes which completely fit our history.  For us we just have to give it a go.  I know the ARGC isn't everyone's cup of tea but we have been pleased so far....

AFM - more humira needed so will be waiting another month of so.....but just got to go with the flow....

more later this week hopefully
hi to everyone
Wobs


----------



## longtimewaiting

Kitten - wish I could be as brave as you.  As soon as I start talking about tx my bottom lip goes and I'm in tears - not great for anyone!

Wobs - so glad it's half term but the weather is terrible!  I keep telling myself London isn't that far to travel, guess it's just something to start doing and stop worrying about!  Would love to hear more about your story and your experiences of ARGC if you have time to pm me.

And Hello to Everyone – just want to say THANK YOU to EVERYONE.  This thread has been amazing for me – thank you so much for saying so many of the things I’ve been thinking and for welcoming me.  I decided to read back thru Veteran Barbies, I’m up to page 20 and want to let you know a few of the things I ‘enjoyed’ reading;

The whole magpie thing – never knew about saluting them! 

VW22 - burning my huge file of infertility stuff sounds liberating, have decided to only keep the crucial stuff, as you say, most of it is just cluttering my house and mind with sad memories.

JBox – quote from you that hit home. ‘thinking about the last few years and how my treatments just haven't worked and yet how life has just carried on - how all the babies i have seen born around me have grown up to little toddlers, even pre schoolers, and how much time has gone by. How we have got older, how many friends, family members I have seen get pregnant, give birth, get pregnant again and yet nothing has changed my end. That gets me down the most, the day to day routines that turn into weeks, months, and then years with no changes, and how it feels like everyone elses lives just keep moving on and up.’

Obviously well before your fantastic BFP! There’s hope for us all there.

Mrs Rock – liked the tx long service medal post – again, obviously before your fantastic BFP!  More hope for the rest of us.

Nordickat – another quote and I’ve had this one going round and round in my head for a while now. ‘I very often wonder if I still have the same need for a child in my life as I did when it all seemed so easy, or whether I need it to prove I'm not a failure. That in turn brings the old 'I'd be such a bad mum anyway' thoughts and 'maybe its better for the potential child if I can't conceive anyway'. I can't imagine not having this stress in my life and I'm not sure if the reason I keep trying is because I'm so desperate to be a mother, frightened of a childless future, frightened of accepting I have failed or just frightened of how I will fill the huge hole that will be left in my life when tx is no longer there.’ 

Waikiki – another quote ‘Don't you just hate being the freaky 'non-maternal' one who doesn't want to cluck all over the baby?!’ Yes! And I never thought it would come to this, I used to love kids! 

And another one from Waikiki – ‘I wanted to have kids 6 years ago when we started ttc - as I get older each year, I find myself thinking less that I want a baby and more that I want to have a 5 or 6 year old child.’ Me too.

Will keep on reading and feeling better.  Thank you again x x x


----------



## Mrs Rock

Hi ladies
LTW glad you liked my post on VBs - great great thread which helped me a lot.  
I hope you don't mind me dropping in.  I do still read and keep up but don't normally post as I don't want to cause anyone any   feelings - I know too too well what that is like.  It used to drive me nuts when people would talk about pregnancy on my clinic thread or cycle buddies and I'd think "Just go away already".  Sorry to be so blunt about it but it's true.  Tickers used to drive me crackers as well especially after my MMC.  I was only brave enough to get a ticker myself on Saturday when I got to 24 weeks and I still feel a bit weird about it, although I like it.  I hadn't understood how nervous I would still feel, having never been able to imagine getting to this point.  I still identify strongly with the feelings expressed on this thread. 

Anyhow reason I am posting is to try and offer a little bit of hope and support.  I'm not saying "Rah rah think positive it will happen for all of you" because we can never know who it will happen for and who, sadly, it won't.  But I am saying, that if it can happen for me and for Kitten and for JBox and for Billabong then there is always the chance that you could be lucky in the end.  Sadly it is the keeping going that is the hard, hard part and god knows I know that.  

Enough from me, but I have you in my thoughts and am always hoping


----------



## wobs

Hi ladies

LTW - loved all the quotes you found....I remember totally agreeing with it all at the time.

Mrs Rock - lovely to hear from you...great to hear how you are doing.  24 weeks where did that go.  Yes I do believe you do offer us hope, but I also think you have had such a journey to get where you are no-one could be anything but pleased for you.

bye for now
Wobs


----------



## JBox

LTW - gosh i remember writing that and thinking at the time, that everyone will either hate me or agree with me... 

Its so bloomin hard this ttc and then ttkb ( trying to keep baby) thing (made that one up!). it is amazing how all encompassing it is, how it enveloped my whole life, my everyday waking moment - it would enter into  my every thought, into every discussion with husband, into every decision i made about work, social arrangements, travel plans. It would be what i thought about before i went to sleep every night, and what I would dream about. I never had any escape from it.  

And i agreed with Kat and others here, who noted whether the "obsession" was really about having a baby and becoming a mother or whether it was simply not allowing myself to be a failure and to try and beat infertility. i will never forget that and to be honest, it never ever leaves you either. I now obsess about other stuff, and well, LTW if you carry on reading thro the old posts, you will see that in the end i succumbed to donor eggs in order to get pg, and gave up on my own biological / genetic child.  And even now at 26 wks pregnant, i am still not 100% ok with it. There are days when i think i wont ever address it, i will bury my head in the sand and pretend i didnt do it, and there are days when i freak out and think omg what the hell have i done ( most days) and there are days when i calmly and rationally think about it and decide its cool, its ok, that I can handle this! But the reasons i did it still get blurred and i cant help to think that maybe i did it to prove that i could get pregnant, that i could beat this infertility, and not for the reason of  extending my family and giving my (naturally conceived) lo a sibling. 

I will not sit here and give anyone any PMA. First of all this thread is everything to me, but not that, and  I wouldnt dare to condescend the wonderful women here with comments like, "if you go on holiday..." or " just dont think about it..." or "keep your head up, it will eventually happen...". Its a load of ****** - it doesnt help anyone - and its actually NOT TRUE. I heard it so many times, i wanted to scream, and this place was my refuge. But I will say this. Everything you are feeling, everything you are thinking and any anger you have or bitterness, or resentfulness that your feel, is all normal and it is all totally and utterly legitimate. I couldnt beleive the thoughts i had about good friends, and family members, and sometimes i even said them out loud to DH who couldnt beleive that i could be such a bitter and unpleasant person. I sometimes think he wondered what the hell he had married. I even shocked myself with my reactions to hearing about friends that got pregnant. But after a while i stopped beating myself up. This is a hugely unfair and indiscriminate suffering, and very few people understand it unless they are going thro it. And if like some of us very very very lucky girls on this thread, you do fall pregnant, the feelings dont just disappear. They llinger on, coz this suffering, this unfairness, changes you and your outlook on life. 

I wish i had a magic wand, coz if i did, i would make sure that every single one of us here would reach our goals. Life is a B*TCH and there is no denying that. Some people are just lucky, they dont ever have to deal with anything "bad" or "difficult" and they sail thro life with no stumbling blocks. I stay on this thread coz i still relate to the women here ( and coz i care about you all and want to hear how you are doing) i cant chat to people on pregnant threads as feel a fraud, and i havent found anyone on the donor sites who feel similar to me at this stage, most of them are at one with their decisions. So i hope that you dont mind me being here , i do lurk more than post these days. 

Mrs Rock, lovely to hear from you, I really hope you are feeling ok?, Kitten, how you getting on? Look at you, the woman who started this thread….!

Just a bit concerned about JBT- where is she these days? She has gone awol… sending love. 

Big love to everyone else, Wobs, Waikiki, Winegum, pinkpixie, jowillis, billabong and obviously Kat and anyone else I have missed ( I am so bad at these personals!)

XXX


----------



## kitten77

Jbox - you just made me blub, and i mean proper blub as you have said everything i was thinking about how this will never ever leave you.  people say to me 'told you so if you just stopped trying it would work' - OMG do they really think i EVER or EVER would stop trying?!? like this 'obession' that we have can one day just wake up and think 'well thats it, gonna stop trying for a baby now' - no everything i ate, everything i drank, touched, ever wee stick for the fertility monitor each morning, thats not stopping trying, i never would so they can poke off when they think that. 

this infertlity will never leave you, what i feel that this has made me in to the person i am now, yes i have been in the situation that i was the horrible bitter women many times, how i WISHED it was me that was pregnant and not my friends  or family and that i wouldnt speak to them as i ....well just couldnt bring myslef to. how i cried and cried when a pregnacy annoucement was made, how i sobbed into DH arms for hours - i just couldnt be happy for them.  i now realise how this is normal, that im not horrible and the feelings i am feeling are ok to feel. its just made me into what i believe is a more compasionate, caring, loving person, who takes peoples feelings into account (sometimes before my own), and can relate to others in the same situation that if you havent been through all this i would never have become this person, and im gonna take this as a positive from this horrible infertility that we have been dealt.  

i have been very lucky to get a natual pregnancy after so many fails and years trying, but the worry doesnt stop, i get upset with people who talk about the future of my baby when each day im scared that i wont get to the next day, i believe i will feel like this until the baby is hopefully born, im scared to buy anything or to even think and let myself believe that this is happening....in case it doesnt, ive been to hell and back with infertility and know how much it can hurt, and i cant let myself believe its happening incase it doesnt and i cant deal with that hurt.  so its one day at a time with me. 

dont know why i have written all this to be honest.........


----------



## JBox

Kitten

LOVE YOU


----------



## pinkpixie

Jbox and kitten thank you    you words have hit such a chord with me.


----------



## billabong

I truly believe that besides you lot I don't know anyone at all that knows how this journey makes us feel. I have a large family and I am the only one that doesn't have children and I know they would not have a clue of what I have been through and the feelings I have now. I have been on other threads and I am lucky to have a local thread with some great women on but they are all in the first few attempts of Tx and have a lot of PMA. I too like you kitten have tried Pg threads and wish I could be like other ladies that can enjoy this time. I am so scared of not getting to tomorrow too, Dh and I don't talk about it really so not to jinx ourselves, I can't imagine shopping etc until after. 
It is true that this IF does change you as a person and I wish it was different for us all on here, I know I have changed and it's sad sometimes to think if things were different. 
Reading back on this thread I can't believe how strong you ladies are and it has helped me to find strength I never knew I had, so thankyou. I pray and hope you all find strength on which ever journey you take.

I guess we are so lucky to be able to share what we are going through using the internet, how else would we have ever got to share our experiences and thoughts when we all live so far apart? Sending each and everyone of you a virtual


----------



## Nordickat

I´m sorry I don´t post so much on here anymore but my reasons for not being here a very different to the pg reasons obviously. I do still very much care what happens to you all though and I do still read. I just don´t have much to contribute any more and I know which direction my journey is going to take me next and I don´t really know what that means for me on here. I know that I´ll never be pg, I know that some people will think badly of me for being a quitter, and I know its going to hurt like hell. I know that all of you on here will get pregnant eventually, and I will genuinely be truly happy for you all, but I can´t be the one left behind yet again because that really does hurt. Its not through being mean, its not because I don´t want to see you all with babies in your arms, its just I have my own ´never holding a baby´demons to deal with and I´m struggling to work out how to do that.


I agree that we change and that if you get pregnant of course you will be ´better´people, you have all that empathy without any of the bitter twistedness you had. What scares me is that I´ll never be a ´better´person because I´ll be bitter forever and it will eat me from the inside until I become a truly horrid angry person.


Anyway, the tears are flowing so tie to stop before DH notices. I am still around and I still wish you all well every single day, and I promise I´ll continue to do that even if you can´t see me.


Love, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you, 
Katxxx


----------



## Winegum

Oh Kat     What's brought this on?  
No one is going to think badly of you for being a quitter, even though that is absolutely not what you are
I do think a tiny bit badly of you (only in a friendly way  ) for coming out with such predictions about yourself and others that you can't possibly know with any accuracy. I'll let you have some, but not all, mystic meg.
In all seriousness I honour you pain lovely girl, I really do and I wish I could reach out to you and give you a great big real hug, have a massive chat and eat lots of cakes and drink lots of cups of tea - yes, we'll start in the afternoon and move onto wine later. 
Yes, we change and I don't begrudge any infertile woman her very real experience of infertility, however long she has been TTC.  However, infertile women who become pregnant and carry to term are survivors. (I'm talking about way ahead in the future, when a woman looks back on her infertile years and thinks "Thank **** that's over"  In no way am I diminishing the very real and present fears of our lovely BFP ladies. I hope and I think you will, get what I mean ) Until such time, in our own minds we remain victims, and feeling or knowing that we may never be survivors, or never find a way to survive is devastating and frightening.  
I think you are an integral part of this thread and while I understand you may not feel like posting, I wish you would, because I think you have a lot to contribute.  I for one love reading your posts. 
Please be kind to yourself and let yourself be loved and cherished 
Big love
Winegum x


----------



## pinkpixie

kat     i second what winegum says.  Hope you find your way through this.  You have helped me so many times on here but can understand that you might not always feel like posting. I truly wonder what type of person i will turn out to be when this fertility journey is over cos like you this next round of treatment is about closing a door for me as can honestly say that dont believe it will work.  I wish so much i could give you a big hug and take some of your pain away.  Please look after yourself xxx


winegum thank you very much for your pms has given me lots to think about.  Hope you are doing ok.


hi to everyone else xxx  JBT hope you are ok


AFM metformin is still making me feel like poo but hopefully might loose some weight as dont want to eat as feel sick.  We are now going to cycle with care in january so partly on count down and partly pretending it isnt going to happen cos then will have to deal with the reality of it   


love to everyone


xx


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Hi ladies,

Sorry to have been MIA but i have been lurking just been very down and not thinking I belong since i feel like my road has been cut off and not sure if it'll be fixed! i could not read some of these posts especially Kat's and not respond... yes Kat u brought me out of my shell, my comfort zone...

Pink i've been on metformin for years and i haven't lost &)*&#)[email protected] hope it works for u, keep hearing how good it is for weight loss but i am yet to see it.

Kat honey big hug, big hugs.. u r not a quitter!!! No-one will think badly of you! I too have some of the same feelings you do more so because i it also financial and i resent not being able to "just do it again and again" I feel alienated when friends get pregnant and have babies... especially when they claim they have a "problem" conceiving yet they conceive... Kat i hope u enjoy Brazil and your post really hit a chord with me too...

Thanks for you concern ladies, i just have so many things going on and i really want to try again but so many things are standing in the way and i am very mad! i am mad that my job sucks and doesn't pay me enough; i am mad that my body doesn't "work"; i am mad that my poor mom has to go through all she is going through and i am mad that my husband has his father living with us (not going the way i wish it would) i am mad with myself for being mad... 

Hope coming back  on with such a me post didn't make any of you regret i am back  

Hi everyone else, to those of you expecting      it'a great news!!!! 

Han I really hope you are doing well.

Ladies i am around even if i am silent, i just don't feel like i belong anymore... i go to be with my mom in a another week or so as she will be having surgery (double mastectomy),  she is a trooper so i know she will be fine!


----------



## wobs

hi ladies

wow it's been an emotional few days on here.

First of all Kat     no one would think you were a quitter.  And actually whatever you decide in the end is up to you - it's no-one else's business.  People can think what they like....but anyway they wouldn't think you were a quitter.  Your posts have always been soooo helpful and inspiring.  You always find the right words to say even when you are feeling rubbish yourself.  I know you tell us you are not, but you seem on here to be so strong and insightful.  

JBT lots of   to you too!  You are going through such a tough time at the moment and I guess you can't see a way through.  I'm sure the priority is your mum - i really hope her op goes well.  Can't think of any wise words but we are all thinking of you.

Hi to WG, Billabong, Kitten, Jbox, Mrs Rock, Pinkpixie, LTW, JoWill and everyone else.  Sorry for lack of personals.

I've read over the last few days with lots of sadness and happiness combined.  I can empathise with everything said on here and yet not sure what I feel.  I'm on a 2nd round of humira and due to start at the ARGC in the next few months.  Both DH & I feel we are going through the motions but I guess we wouldn't be doing it if we didn't have a glimmer of hope.  How I will feel afterwards I am not too sure.  I have a feeling I'll be on here hoping you lovely ladies will put be back together   .... There is always a future but it's how that future will turn out that is the hardest part isn't it.  JBT I'm with you on the job front - maybe after my treatment I'll then have to make some decisions about my future....

Well almost finished my school work, so going to have a few days off...

take care everyone
I'm sorry I'm not as eloquent as some of the other ladies, but sending   to everyone

Wobs


----------



## waikiki

Hi all,

Well Kat, your post has also dragged me out of the shadows! I know that I have also been staying away lately, to start with I told myself it was because I still had several months until my next tx and that I was taking time away from all things IF.  That was partly true, but the fact is that those months have slipped by and I start another DE cycle next week, yet I still haven't been back to post on here.  I realise now that you have voiced the concerns that I hadn't even admitted to myself...that if I came back and posted then I would only be hurt again when the other ladies on this thread got pg and I got left behind again.

To all the pg ladies on this thread, please don't take that the wrong way.    I am genuinely happy for you all as you have all overcome so much to have your miracles.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not terrified of being the one left behind again.

It seems that there are quite a few of us gearing up for more tx in the coming weeks and if I'm honest, this is the point where I always feel the tension starting to rise as I wonder which ones of us will be pg in a few weeks and which ones of us will be putting ourselves back together after another BFN.  Whenever I think about it I never expect to be one of the ones who gets a BFP and I guess that all of you would say the same. It's so unfair that things have to be this cruel.  

I have left so many other FF threads because I felt like I didn't belong any more as the other women sailed off into pregnancy, but I do feel that this thread is different.  I've been really touched reading the comments of the pg ladies on here and I have to say that you are the most considerate bunch of any that I have met on FF.    

Sadly because of the long battles that so many of us have had to end up on this thread, I don't think that all of us will be successful in the end (I'm sorry to say it, but I think we are all at the stage where we can be honest with each other).  I know that each of us is terrified we will be the ones left childless, but I hope that whatever the outcome for all of us, that we all have the compassion to congratulate those who are successful and comfort those who are not.  I have faith in all of us that we can do it. 

Kat - God knows you're not a quitter, you have been through more than anyone should ever have to to achieve your dream.  And only we can understand that there comes a point where you have to draw a line for the sake of your own well-being.  I am nearing that point now too.   

JBT - I'm glad to hear from you again as I think we were all concerned that you had not posted for a while.  I hope that what I have said will make you realise that you do belong here if you want to be here.  I don't think this thread is about who's having tx at the moment or who isn't.  We're just here to offer you support, and I'm sorry that you have so much to deal with right now.   

Han - haven't heard from you in a while either hun, hope that you're OK.  

JBox - I read your post on the DE thread yesterday.  I know I'm not pg, so cannot compleletely understand what you are feeling, but I have had so many of the thoughts you mentioned.  I don't know if I can help, but please PM me if you need me.

Winegum - I've got my fingers crossed for you.    

  to you all.


----------



## JBox

Oh my, i am so sad reading thro the last few posts. 

Kat darling Kat... you are so far from a quitter, the most determined and motivated person i have met here. Look at you and what you have gone thro expecially in this past year alone and look at how you have come out of each circumstance fighting. I am not dishing out the pma here, and you know me well enough to know that i wouldnt patronize you, but please dont say never. you just cant know that, look at kitten, look at me!!... if it helps at all, i remember when all my friends were getting married around me one by one, they were dropping like flies and i noticed a pattern - that every single flat mate i had, lived with me for a year or two before meeting her man and getting married. After this had happened about four times, i realised (being the very supersticious girl i am - see past magpie and lucky knickers posts) that if i wanted to get married, and not be the forever-single-girl-watching-my-flatmates-get-married-around-me, then i had to live on my own. sounds ridiculous, and well, maybe even desperate, but i was ready age 33 to get my own place anyway and lo and behold, within 6 months of being the single girl bout town, coming home to me and me alone, i met my now dh..... what am i trying to say? well you once said to me that every cycle buddy you have had that you pmd with ends up getting preg and "leaving you behind"(including me!) so my suggestion to you is, when you next cycle, do it on the quiet, dont tell ANYONE, make it your special tx that noone knows about... sounds ridiculous i know, but like i said, i am supersticious and i beleive in all these silly things and you just never know….!!!

JBT - i am so pleased to hear from you but so sorry to hear about your mum and what you and her are going through. I really hope that you manage to stay strong through this. Having FIL living with you cant be easy. I remember when my SD came to live with us permanantly, everything changed, I couldn’t walk around in my knickers and sleep with the door open anymore and suddenly I felt like I had a flat mate in the house, sharing my space, my kitchen etc. but it does get better. I promise you, it becomes the norm after a  while. Stay strong girl, we are here for you always. 

Big hugs wobs. And Waikiki, please pm me if you want some moral support. I got lucky on my 2nd attempt of ED and as you probably recall, I was convinced that my body was the problem and not my eggs… I still am in a way, I really hope that this too, will be the end of the road for you – at least you don’t have to suffer all those awful injections and drugs. Sending you the biggest amount of luck your way xxx

PinkPixie, I hope that you are doing ok luv. U are always so supportive and so there for everyone, I hope that you are managing to stay afloat in this horrible messy place! X

Kat, when are you back from the jungle? I want to talk to you….

xxx


----------



## Nordickat

Sorry   I didn't realise I had actually posted that message because my computer crashed. You can ignore my self pitty and I'll be back to normal soon I'm sure. I haven't read your replies yet but I will later. I'm back in the real world now and kind of hit the ground sprinting at work which isn't helping on the feeling sorry for myself front. Normal service will be resumed soon though I promise   .

 to you all, 
Katxxx


----------



## Nordickat

Thank you to all of you for such kind words. I'm beat though. IF has beaten me. I didn't want to be the first on our thread to have to say it ......... well I didn't want any of us to have to say it. But I am well and truly beaten and its a horrible feeling to have to admit defeat.
Katxxx


----------



## bethholm

Hi ladies,

Hope that you don't mind me joining you (my good friend Winegum, who I have met up with, mentioned this thread) and having read through some of the previous posts on here, I feel that I am at last hopefully amongst friends who understand.  

So, as well as reading my ever increasing signature below, here's a bit of background info on me. Sadly, it's not brief (although I will endeavor to try to keep it short) as it seems that the IVF road for us just goes on and on and on....I will apologise now for the long 'War and Peace' post but wanted to give you a picture of the journey so far..I promise next time to write a shorter post and when I hopefully get to know you all on here (I always get a little nervous when I join a thread as I feel that I am the new girl and some threads...) I will do more detailed personals.  

After TTC naturally and nothing happening, a lap and dye showed that my tubes were b***** probably after having chicken pox internally 4 times (a medical mystery) as well as salmonella which allegedly poisons your internal organs... So, it was do not pass go, go straight on to the IVF route where I was offered around 10% chance of it working by a really rude female consultant    as I was the grand old age of 40 (it took me a long time to find Mr Right and not, as some women have presumed that it was the case of putting my career first!)Don't you hate it when consultants show you fertility related to age graphs and then make that nose bomb diving noise when they point at the graph line after the age of 38... After sobbing outside our local hospital, being a proactive girl, I googled IVF clinics on my phone in the car park, unwilling to be beaten and then after several more days of research, ended up chosing to cycle in Norway. 

Cycle 1- found out that I am a poor responder, but brimming with naive confidence, how could it fail?  Foolish girl. BFN

Cycle 2- my cat died (16yrs old) the day before we flew out to cycle and DH buried her in the garden in the dark minutes before we had to dash up to the airport which was a 5hr drive away.  I  also had a huge row with my mother who claimed that I had to 'build a bridge and get over it' if it didn't work so we weren't speaking. Nearly missed the flight over there. BFN

Cycle 3- Still poor responder. Losing a bit of that confidence...Caught in the volcanic ash fiasco over in Norway which meant that we were stranded in not only the most expensive part of Europe, but one of the remotest. Ended up having to make our way across Norway, catch an emergency ferry put on by the Scottish Government, catch an overnight budget bus to London, back up to Stansted to pick up our car and then a long drive back to Devon.BFN 

Cycle 4- After spending a scary amount on immunes (blood tests galore, treatments etc), found out I had a list of immune problems and that I had actually had a chem preg on cycle 3, sometime during the last 2WW. Immune consultant failed to advise me to ovulate out my immune damaged (what little amount that I had) eggs which resulted in my worse ever cycle. Quelle surprise- BFN. A rather painful aquascan followed which revealed that there was nothing wrong with my uterus (they lied!!!!!!)

Cycle 5- 'Let's try a UK clinic' cycle... Clinic messed up on my meds resulting in a rude b**** of a nurse rousing me after the EC asking me how many eggs did I expect to get and that I only got 1. Then she walked away leaving me to cry (with my oxygen mask still on- lord, it was like a scene from a Hollywood movie)- oh and they wondered why my blood pressure was terrible and I was the last to be discharged that day.  Also found out that my DH's still at school just turned 16 DD was pregnant after a one night sh*g. Classy and heartbreaking too. It was also the year that I found out (on Christmas  Eve off my FIL)that DH's DS had got his 14yr old girlfriend pregnant too. But despite getting only 1 egg, it fertilised....and despite all the odds the miracle happened....a BFP.

So...why am I on here feeling like I am finally among people who totally understand, well at 7 weeks after all the above in May this year I had a MMC...

What a *****life is. 

After an ERPC (I think that my body was so thrilled to have actually got pregnant, it wouldn't let it go) and being told that they were going to'vacuum the product ' out of me by an insensitive t****r of doctor, I girded myself up again and threw myself at cycle 6. After a hysteroscopy at Serum showed a thick necrotic layer and that the embie (which later tests showed was a healthy one) had implanted on this so there was a restricted blood supply, I embarked on yet more months of vitamin popping, gluten free diet, no alcohol regimes and then with a tiny speck of confidence left, tentatively threw myself in to cycle 6. I wasn't naive anymore. Oh, and I also calculated during a 'why me' episode, that in 2 years I have had 6 rounds of fresh IVF, 3 operations, humira, LIT, and had over 300 injections (not to mention having to spend over £30,000 - mainly on credit cards- to fund the whole darn thing which due to me being on a higher wage than DH am ending up paying for 90% of it myself which also adds to the stress- as I am over the age of 39, DH has 2 children and therefore I am excempt on the NHS- ladies, don't get me started on that)...and nothing to show for it  .

All of the above has gone on in just over 2 years, together with union disputes with my ex **** of a boss,constant rows with DH who can't understand why I can't see his DD or new grandchild (oh and one FF told me to deal with the situation by suggesting that I spent an entire day bonding with her when even her gran says she is difficult to talk to plus she is close to her mad mother and I have only known her since she was 13 so it was never going to be easy) everyone else getting pregnant ('we weren't even trying or having sex, so I don't know how it happened') Honestly, I am expecting my neutered cat to actually get pregnant next.    Oh and since getting married to DH after he had divorced his mad ex wife 14 years before he met me, from the moment we got married, we have had nothing but trouble from her (despite the fact that she had the affair) - the police, late night/early morning ranting phonecalls, social services, her forcing their disfunctional teenage children to move in with us in attempt to split us up (and this was before we started on the IVF.) Oh and did I mention that the mad ex wife is fertile and went on to have another 4 kids with the chap she had the affair with... Bl***y story of my life.

So, this brings me on to cycle 6... I so can understand on here (I think we could abbreviate this to ISCU as we always use it on this thread due to the situation of us all) when you ladies mention that you are worried when other ladies are cycling in case they get a positive. Not because we are jealous (well, if we are being honest & my feeling on reading this thread is that this is exactly the kind of open and honest it is, a little) but it is the fear of being left behind. The situation hit home the other week when my close IVF friends who have been there through thick and thin, got pregnant, the support stops (even though I always ask about their babies and visit them, when funds permit, which isn't often as I am so broke!Maybe they feel uncomfortable with my situation?) and then the final nail in the heart for me has been that they are all now trying for a second IVF baby. You feel that you are back in the playground and want to shout at all these girls to hold on for you to catch up with them. 

So how did this 6th cycle go? Well, picture the scene; you are elated that you, an old bird, manages to squeeze out the grand total of 6 eggs, which even Paul Daniels would be pretty proud of (showing my age there ladies with that reference) get 3 fertilise, but only have one viable 1 embie to put back. The nurse took 3 attempts to cannulate me for my intralipid drip (I had blood running down my arm at one stage) and the pain was so bad from this that I ended up sobbing like a baby (if you pardon the pun.)Even DH was commenting on it as the nurse (who actually is lovely and was also traumatised by the whole thing and wiped my tears away for me afterwards as she felt bad about it) was trying to shove the harpoon up my vein before I went in for ET. Literally seconds after ET, DH and our consultant were discussing the possibility of cycing next with donor embryos.I couldn't wait to get out of the clinic. Like a few ladies on here, I am still trying to get my head around the idea of not only using donor eggs/embies but also the idea that I can maybe no longer use my own eggs anymore. In fact, in plain speak, I feel old and useless.

So, that's the long and short (well long   ) of it anyway. I am now on the wonderful 2WW and still feel 'why should it work out for me.' I feel that we have already had our 'it only takes 1' miracle and usually I am always the one that when all the odds are stacked and people say that you never know, it might work, it doesn't.

This is the first time that I have been on this thread and every post has struck a chord in me.

Nordickat- I feel totally beaten too. I told DH that I don't know how much longer I have the strength to do this anymore for the first time yesterday. I envy those women who produce loads of eggs, have frosties, have blastocysts as each and every stage in the IVF cycle is a battle due to my age and being a poor responder. I don't have any security in a cycle of having any of the above.
JBT- I had DH's DS living with us when we started out on our IVF journey and it was hell as he was 16 (so picture the scene!) I had only known him for 2 years and I felt as if a stranger was living in our house 2 days after our honeymoon (he hadn't previously lived with DH when I met him) I often used to feel the odd one out and often sat in my car outside the house (and it was my house!) not wanting to go in. It is so difficult sweetheart and then couple that with IVF too...  
JBox- we go a way back to through immunes.  I have PMd you and can honestly say that I understand how you feel and worry that I will feel the same way too if it comes to it.
Jamaicababytrying- thinking of you and your mum.   
Waikiki- big hugs as I too feel that I am left behind.   
Pinkpixie, Wobs,Bilabong,Kitten,Longtimewaiting and anyone that I have missed- thank you for sharing your feelings on here.  It makes me feel that I am not alone.  
And finally to my dear friend and fellow Devonian, Winegum - your support has been invaluable sweetheart this week whilst we are over in remote Norway. Thanks for being there in the dark moments. Thinking of you tomorrow and hope you don't mind me posting on here.      

JBox's quote hit home the hardest for me today as it summed this long painful journey up - ‘thinking about the last few years and how my treatments just haven't worked and yet how life has just carried on - how all the babies i have seen born around me have grown up to little toddlers, even pre schoolers, and how much time has gone by. How we have got older, how many friends, family members I have seen get pregnant, give birth, get pregnant again and yet nothing has changed my end. That gets me down the most, the day to day routines that turn into weeks, months, and then years with no changes, and how it feels like everyone elses lives just keep moving on and up.’

It totally sums it all up.

Apologies again for the war and peace post (which will probably take up a whole page!)

B x


----------



## Hbkmorris

Beth I just want to send you a real BIG hug as you've really been through the mill and I can't even begin to imagine how the hell you've got through it but you have and I'm amazed by you. 

You deserve so much and you will get your bfp just you wait and see.. I've everything crossed for you.. I truly have.. 

Good luck and god bless xx


----------



## Nordickat

Welcome Beth   . Winegum usually gives us the heads up to pour ourselves a drink when she does a monster long post   . I´m glad you feel you can share your story with us and I´m sorry to see you have such a long signature with no BFP at the end yet. You are right though, this is a thread to say what you really feel and not a thread where BFPs are promised, its just a thread where we understand what it feels like to watch life pass you by while others are out living it. And for the record, the fact that Norway is so remote is one of the reasons we live here, altough Haugesund is maybe a bit too remote lol.

No words of wisdom from me right now as I´m putting a lot of energy into just surviving right now and have nothing left to give. I´m so completely exhausted by this journey but at the same time so scared of those fateful ´this is the end of the road´words   

JBox - I understand your thinking about keeping it a secret but I´m not sure I can do it with no support at all. 

Wobs - you are beautifully eloquent and speak from your heart. I hope its not needed, but of course we´ll be here to put you back together again.   

Winegum       that you come back to spread good news soon. I hope whatever the outcome for all of us, that we come out as survivors and not victims.

JBT - lovely to see you again  . If your mum is half the fighter you are, then you are right and she´ll be fine. I hope spending time with her will give you a welcome break form FiL and that you can have a good cry together about everything   


Waikiki - the fear of being left behind is such a strange one isn´t it? I think I feel guilty and selfish for feeling that way but being left behind jsut adds to the horrid loneliness IF brings   . 

LTW - I hope our old thread made you laugh occaisonally and I´m glad it gave your some comfort.

 to everyone else   

And me? I´m trying to hard to get on top of things and I just can´t do it and I´m too ashamed of my inability to cope with life in general that I haven´t even told DH how bad things are. I´m working so hard that we don´t see each other so much and I can keep it all secret from him for now. I have a shrink appt on Monday and I´m too scared to tell DH about it. I don´t want to disappoint him all over again  . This is such a painfully lonely journey. And now I´m getting really stressed that continuing with my meds which will probably reduce my chance of success even more than usual will be a big mistake. I don´t know what they right thing to do is.

Thanks to all of you for helping me keep my head above water for another few days, 
Katxxx


----------



## bethholm

Thanks HBKMorris for the virtual hug and apologies Nordickat for not giving the heads up on a monster post   .Promise next time I will do exactly that,although I think I covered most things in the last post...  . We love Norway,having been 7 times now and I have recently found out that my ancestors came from these parts of the world too when I researched my family tree (big tip here ladies - do not under any circumstances research your family tree when having difficulty TTC as it's pretty heartbreaking seeing hundreds of your ancestors stretching out behind you and the line stops at you with no horizontal lines leading on!) We fly back on Monday due to Ryan Air deciding to change the flight by a whole day causing problems for DH and I as term starts again and I am in a new job.Life is never simple.Can't wait to get back to work to take my
mind off this cycle,especially as we've been stuck in a hotel over here since last Sunday,too broke to venture out (hence the monster verbal diarrhoea of a post earlier!

B x


----------



## Winegum

Beth, Nordickat was joking, we absolutely love long posts on here!  I am known for my once a month mega posts that's all. I'm glad you've found/joined us, although I did have to have a little giggle to myself as only you could come and join a BFN veterans thread the day after ET!  That's exactly why I love this thread though - anything goes and if you feel at home then you are at home. Have you read back through our part one which is called Veteran Barbies?  If you're stuck for something to do tomorrow...

Hello to everyone else, more from me anon x


----------



## Nordickat

I love settling back to read the huge posts on here so you talk away Beth   . I wish you had found us much earlier and then you could have had a couple of weekends over here in Oslo and saved yourselves some money on hotels. I´m glad you are with us now though and hopefully we can help you through the 2ww and onwards where ever you go next. Safe journey home, Katxxx


----------



## wobs

hi ladies
 to all

Bethholm - sorry you are joining us - but pleased you are too...if that makes sense!! Sorry for all your headache.  hoping this is the one for you

Kat - hang in there   

ttfn
Wobs


----------



## bethholm

Ladies -  what a wonderful welcome   . Thanks for the offer Kat re Oslo- we may be back if this doesn't work and it would be great to meet up as I am bored out of my tree here in Haugesund!

Wobs- I take it that you are a teacher? Me too. After enduring a cr*py job for years and not wanting to move in case I got pregnant (ha ha   ) I finally took the plunge and escaped and started a new job as a deputy headteacher this term. Very demanding as my class are all   , all Year 6 (18 boys and only 7 girls!)  and working well below age related expectations with SATs on the horizon (no pressure there then   ). No-one wanted them (I love them!), but at least I am away from an absolute ****** of a head and at long last, after only 7 weeks, am I being appreciated for the first time in years. What I am finding stressful however, is the fact that hardly anyone knows at my new school what I have gone through re TTC. I had endless questions last month off my new staff when I started off, asking me if I had any kids   . I kept replying that I didn't and eventually my mum said to put the word 'sadly' in front of 'not' and low and behold the questions stopped... I eventually told my new boss who is fab about the IVF after what I thought was a bad lesson obs. I left school way before I usually do and cried all the way home. I felt such a failure. When DH got home (he's a teacher too) I cried about work for a few minutes and then cried for much longer at feeling a failure at everything. Even something that I am usually good at, it seemed I couldn't do and it brought back all my emotions re my MMC 4 months ago. The next day when I went in, my head (who is male) came to see if I was ok as he sensed something was up. I ended up telling him (albeit not in as much info as my monster post on here   ) and he called me a 'silly cow' for not confiding in him earlier and that he considered me a friend, even after 6 weeks as well as his deputy. I tell you Wobs, having taught for 20 years in over 8 schools, I have struck gold with him (plus he's a northerner like me so we share the same dry sense of humour!!!) It's great discovering another fellow teacher on here too as like you, we are tied to school holidays to cycle (which is very frustrating when you just want to get on with it and many clinics are shut over Christmas, plus we spend every single holiday having some form of treatment!) and I feel that working with children when TTC can be difficult too. That's why I prefer to teach the older end of school! Good luck back at school tomorrow. Ryan Air have delayed our flight by a whole bl***y day so I am back in work Tuesday. My head is absolutely great about it and said that it wasn't my fault; DH's school (where I used to teach) have made him take it as unpaid leave despite DH regularly working until the early hours on marking vast amount of English scripts. Don't know why I am surprised about their decision really.

Kat-  Hope that your trip went well to the Amazon. Sounds like an amazing (yet stressful)I have been there several times now in the dim and distant past pre TTC and IVF... Happy days!

Winegum- thinking of you today. Hope you are ok.  

Thanks again ladies for the heart felt welcome. I feel that I have come home and look forward to getting to know you all as we all go through this hellish journey together.  

B x


----------



## Han72

My dear Barbies (whatever the thread's called, it'll always be the Vetran Baribies for me!) have I told you lately how much I admire you all?!

Beth - welcome to the nuthouse hon   , this board has to be one of the friendliest, kindest, most inclusive on a site that is full of such boards    Check out my sig, you'll see I feel your pain!  And I feel for you guys who are teachers, I always thought I'd like to be one but kind of went another way with my career. Then that all went South and I considered it again but the damn infertility had reared its ugly head by then and I couldn't face the thought of dealing with other people's kids when I can't have my own   Especially as I understand you can't so much as touch them without being accused of molestation and I'm a very "huggy" person...  Then I discovered CELTA! So I'm now teaching English to adults in Paris.  The best bit is it seems my instinct to go into teaching was right as I really enjoy it but the real bonus is it's all adults so none of that tugging at the heartstrings. Until one of 'em asks if I have kids of course   

Nordy - sweetheart, please try to stop beating yourself up. You've been through a sh1tty time. It's normal that you don't feel full of the joys of anything at all!  And what's this about disappointing your DH?  You're ill, and you're going to see a doctor who's going to help you get better. How is that letting anyone down? That's like feeling guilty for having a chest infection and going to the doc for antibiotics!  I may be speaking out of turn here but I would say that if your DH makes you feel guilty for your illness then the problem is his, not yours and he needs to get over it!  If on the other hand it's our favourite habit (us loopy types that is  ) of projecting onto other people then it's a matter of YOU remembering that you're ill! You feel this way because you're ill. It's nobody's fault and you're doing what you can to get better. And anyone that says any different can KMA!!!

Re: keeping tx a secret, how about picking one person (AHEM    ) and communicating with them via pm during the cycle? At least then you don't have to cope with absolutely everyone knowing but you still get the support...?

JBT -     and      for your mom.  I'm so sorry that everything feels so totally rubbish at the moment.  Tell me, what job would you do if you could do anything at all?  And what would make life living with your FIL easier?  Thinking that way might make easier to find solutions Sorry if that sounds a bit pollyanna pma b0ll0x and I'd like to say that this is what worked for me but in all honesty I think it was mostly the anti-depressants  But they helped me get to a point where I was able to think more positively or at least to think about what I DO want instead of concentrating on what I DON'T want, so I guess in a way that is exactly what worked for me as I do feel better now than I have done for a very long time....

Pinky - I hope the metformin side effects calm down soon and     for your cycle in Jan!

Wobs - if you're on your second lot of Humira I guess Mr T and the A-Team will have you back at IVF Bootcamp pretty soon (as long as the flipping hormone levels play ball that is   )  Sending you loads of     

JBox - please don't beat yourself up for feeling ambivalent right now.  Surely it's natural given what  you've been through to get where you are now? If I ever get preg with DE I'm pretty sure I'll feel the same way.. But I'm counting on that feeling disappearing once I hold that baby in my arms...  

Buggerit there were a million things I wanted to say to all of you but MIL is here and it's likely to spark off yet another international incident if I spend too long on the pooter    Huge apologies to everyone I've missed but     to all!

xxx


----------



## coweyes

Hi all. Sorry I have only posted a few times.

Not really sure if I belong here or not as I don't appear to have had as meany goes as most.  But if u read my signature ur see I am about to undergo pgd ivf.  This is very expensive and complicated type of treatment, and I know we r near the end with it all!

Anyway what I really wanted to say is that stoping treatment is not given up! No one should consider themselves as being beaten by it.  In my mind it's not like that. We all do as much as we can and because we value our lives and the things in it (other than having a baby) we decide to stop! Our mental health our relationships with our partners, friends and families and every other aspect of our lives are still important.  We must be proud of who we r and of trying so hard ......... And of knowing when enough is enough.  Xxxxxxxx


----------



## Winegum

Can I share my good news with you ladies?
Just got a BFP!


----------



## coweyes

Wow amazing well done. X x


----------



## angela123

Hi Beth,
I just had to comment on your post, as I have never posted here before, but some of the things you said really struck a note with me, I think we have all had those incompetent doctor and nurses with there insensitive comments, my god I've had a few.....My 1st nhs appointment after intial tests with some random nurse... at the tender age of 35 went something like this, actually word for word....
sit down,
do you mind having a student in here?
there nothing we can do for you.... 
you will never have children...
so no point in investing our funds on ivf for you, please sign this so we can take you off our books......... the worst day of my life..

but like all of us pragmatic girls (lets face it we all must have common traits to get this far and still be fighting, i admire you all) I didnt take no for an answer.
so after 4 ivf attempts and one MC.....here i am....ALL and I mean ALL of my close FF friends have there dream and I do feel left behind..... 3 of my close friends have got married this year or last(  all are my age and a little older) and have fallen pregant within the first few months!!!!!! WTF what about all those charts about fertility after38!!!!

I gotta be honest when I had the conversion of "were trying for a baby striaght after the wedding" I truly thought that one or more of them would be asking for my shoulder to cry on they seemed in my eyes to be so naive  ... come girls we know the stats!! however all have beat the odds and I just feel even more like my body is rubbish.....
My last attempt nearly killed me....I truly belived it would  work with DEIVF ......I had made my peace with DE and thought it was a dead cert...... The BFN was even worst than my MC.....Ive got to be honest....I was so sure... planning  babys birthday....then it all turns to ash. I cried so much i couldnt open my eyes for days....so onwards.....
I will not give up.....DEIVF in march....

love to you all angela xxxx


----------



## angela123

congrats winegum...you so deserve your fantastic news!!


----------



## vw22

Wow I just pop on for a catch up and see winegum's message. Totally fantastic!!! Really pleased for you! vx


I try and keep up as much as possible but won't lie and pretend I remember everything! You are all going through ups and downs I know. There are some real success stories here which are richly deserved and some self indulgence (not pity) which I also think is also richly deserved. Sorry I can't be more involved but I am following and hoping like mad everyones dreams come true.


S news. We were about to go for transfer this weekend and the surrogates boyfriend ended up in jail and then the doc found out the egg donor was lying. She had had two cycles with another agency in the last 2 months and had no eggs. AND had a sexual disease as my husband calls it..chlamidia! So it was one nightmare after another. All that contract stuff you pay an arm and a leg for and still you have no control. I am more stressed than doing IVF.


Anyway will keep you updated when something good happens. Hoping no one here ever ends up at this stage. Even if you think you are going to, have one more go at ivf if you can bear it.


Love to all, (I really mean it too) and sorry to be so transient.


vx


----------



## Han72

Winegum said:


> Can I share my good news with you ladies?
> Just got a BFP!


                      WHOOPPEEE!!! Congrats hon!!!

Love to all

xxx


----------



## Han72

Oh bloody hell vw   I'm so sorry hon, what a bloody nightmare!     So how did the doc find this stuff out? And how come he found out so late

xxx


----------



## pinkpixie

Winegum- was just catching up and saw your sig couldnt believe it huge congratulations        am so pleased for you.


VW -   how awful cant believe they have only found that out now.


Han - hi hope you are doing ok 


beth hi and welcome hope you manage to get home ok


angela hi sorry you have had such a rough journey


coweyes dont be daft i think the number of failures becomes irrelevant.  Everyone has a different number of goes they can manage physically, emotionally and financially.  Fngers crossed for your treatment this time.


Kat   please dont feel that you are a failure and that you are giving up.


HBK how did your hysto go??


JBT    hope your mum is doing ok.  It must be so frustrating when u want to start again and there are all these things in your way.


Jbox hope you are doing ok hun


hi to everyone else


I can totally relkate to the feelings of being left behind all my friends have babies and the round of number 2 are starting now.  My friend who went through IVF got pregant first go whioch was hard as it had been so good having someone to talk through who was going through it all.  Had thought about joining a cycle thread but cant face the stress i put myself under when the BFP's start coming through and the general naivetiy (sp) from first timers.  God i sound like a miserable and bitter old cow!!!  For those of you on here who have a BFP please dont take this the wrong way as am genuineally pleased for you all and like hearing from you all   
xx
h


----------



## Hbkmorris

Winegum.. Congratulations to you both    best news ever.. well done you x

VW.. I'm so sorry    how the hell did she get through the net of protocols.. Just not right nor fair.. Dam disgrace.. Makes me so angry. You take care of yourself and keep the faith if at all possible right now. 

xx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Pinkpixie.. Bloody painful! 

I've never had such a bloomin mare in all my life! It took the nurse's two attempts to fill me up and I felt like I was going to pop but in the end the camera was all clear showing all my insides and they said all is clear.. nothing abnormal which is great but also a bit of a pain as now I really don't know why my beanies won't stick with me.

When they took the camera out and did something to me this gush of water came flooding out and I felt like i'd wet myself.. Sorry prob TMI!! ha ha ha   

Hope your ok.. no your not a bitter old cow.. or at least your not on your own as I feel the same! My friend announced she was pregs today.. By accident caught with her new BF of only 5 months!! Great! x


----------



## Nordickat

Fanflippingtastic winegum   . Huge congratulations to you   . I would have put money on it being a BFP this time round. I think it was all those icebabies that gave it away. Told you that you´d need a bigger car now for all those babies   

Han   I was thinking about you today. I´ll email you tomorrow for all your latest news. Your course obviously went ok though? I´m glad you´ve found something you love doing, it must make such a difference for you   

Pixie   you don´t sound like a miserable old cow at all. I plan on doing what Han suggested and cycling on the quiet with just a friend on email standby for the hard times. That means I can decide when I am ready to announce my BFN too ....... telling people makes it even harder I think.

VW - I´m so sorry this is even harder than tx yourself.   I´m hoping with all my might that the process gets easier soon.

Beth - I really hope you are never in Norway again  , but if you should need to visit then you´ll be very welcome here.

Coweyes - of course you are welcome here. The length of our signatures is irrelevant and we are not out to top trump each other with max number of BFNs, we are here to help each other find a way forwards somehow   

Angela - I hope your determination is rewarded in March   

Katxxx


----------



## Here&#039;s Hoping1

Winegum said:


> Can I share my good news with you ladies?
> Just got a BFP!


Many, many congrats! I am so pleased for you. This is me:    !!!!!


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Evening ladies!
I recognise han, but seem to have lots in common with the rest of you.
The BFNs, I almost feel like asking the ladies with their well deserved BFPs to post a pic of the peestick, so that I know that the 2nd blue line really does exist   
I'm so embarrassed by the actual number of BFNs from DI/DIUI that I've just put 'multiple'. in fact i can't remember exactly, but prob double figures.
Have had 2 x DE, one I found out after may have been a dodgy clinic, second I had a bleed before ET & had a clot in my womb.
Oh yes, surrounded by fabulous fertiles in circle of family & friends. DH acquires dodgy bezzie mates with alarming frequency, & has even appeared on Jeremy Kyle. 
I have long-term autoimmune probs, but not sure if reproductive immune tx would be any good cos I'm well supressed after 7 years on pred.
DH rubbish with money, so I've ended up funding everything, coffers a bit empty at the mo, so break from tx.
is it OK if I hang around here? Don't think I'm ready to give up, but it's good to be somewhere there's hope at the end of the (very) long & winding road..................


----------



## longtimewaiting

So sorry don't have time to catch up with everyone properly and am going away for a week tomorrow so won't be here for a while but have to say CONGRATULATIONS to Winegum   

Such brilliant news x x x 

Lots of love to everyone


----------



## wobs

Just dashing on before I go off to work - half term over   and woooohoooooo

WG - what fantastic news!!!!!!      Congrats!!!!!

Angela & Seemslive4eva - welcome.  Sorry to hear of your journeys

Hi everyone else!
Wobs


----------



## JBox

OMG.... winegum that is the most fantastic news.... CONGRATULATIONS... wow, i am so so so so so happy for you. i hope you are ok hon, and not getting too stressed, and that you are now going to take each day as it comes. i know how nervy the next few weeks can be, so try not to think about it too much and just go with it. what fabulous news.... wow

And to all the other newbies, welcome and sorry for your reasons for being here, but you are with the best people here.... such lovely supportive unjudgemental women. I owe a few of you personal messages which i will get to in the next couple of days ( so busy at work at the moment)

so very happy for winegums news.....

xxx


----------



## bethholm

VW- What an absolute nightmare for you.    Even a Hollywood scriptwriter couldn't come up with half of our stories. Hope that you get it sorted out soon sweetheart.  

Wobs- Hope first day back goes well. I am back tomorrow (due to Ryan Air changing the fight by a whole s***ing day) but I dreamt of school last night so knew it was time to go back!

Angela- Thanks for the wonderful post and what an absolute horrendous time you had with that insensitive doctor. I hope that will post more on here.  

Seemslive4eva - welcome too from a fellow newbie to this thread. I love your sense of humour and can also relate to the money issue and DH. Mine isn't rubbish with money, he just hasn't got any so every month I do endless spreadsheets with calculations for the next round of IVF and immune treatments. Our shower broke nearly 3 years ago and still hasn't been mended. When I hear of people winning money, I work out how many cycles that would cover.   Every cycle we do we are maxed up to the hilt on all of our 4 credit card, so when we are in Norway, despite being desperate to look around and be a tourist, we sit in our hotel room for 8 days or so and watch movies or do schoolwork. At least it is enforced rest! When we eventually get there    I think the baby will be named Egg, Barclaycard or Visa as it has been sponsored by it.   It will also been forced up a chimney or down a pit as soon as it is old enough so that it can pay back over £30,000 that has been spent so far!Pocket money? I think not.  

Kat- Thank you so much for your wonderful offer.   I too have had depression and have seen a counsellor in the past and if I am being perfectly honest with myself, I think I came close to it again in May when I had my MMC. I just couldn't leave the house (apart from going to work) and would get flustered and stressed if I had to go to the supermarket. It took me 6 weeks to sum up the strength to go out one Saturday to a local town, just to look around. Sending you big hugs.  

Pinkpixie- I feel the same too (we are hopefully all miserable cows together!) but I am sure that this is natural. I worry that I will lose friends through it as I find it impossible now to be around pregnant ladies and babies. Hopefully if they are true friends, they will understand, just like they will understand that we are absolutely thrilled beyond belief for them as they made it. I feel worse when it is someone who has had fertility problems who gets pregnant, but then we have to cling on to the hope that if it happens to them and they have beaten the odds, then it gives us a glimmer of hope.  

HBK- Was it an aquascan you had where it was painful or the hysto? I had an aquascan with Mr G back in May and it hurt like a *******. It was so bad that at one point he said that he would stop. I let him continue as I thought that he would charge me anyway. During the procedure he also asked if I wanted to see if liquid could be dripped through my tubes. In for a penny in for a pound, so I said yes as he was up there anyway and that hurt too.I walked out of the clinic feeling utterly violated!!!!

Han72- Thanks for the lovely welcome too.  

Winegum - Thanks for being there at the other end of a mobile. I am so thrilled for you as it has been a long time coming and touched that despite your joy are still praying for a BFP for me next week. It would be so wonderful to be in this together. Please let me know if you need any further texts/ advice re the next steps and look forward to hearing from you soon.      

Hi to Longtimewating, Jamaica,JoWill and all the other ladies   .  We fly home this afternoon and then have the long journey back to Devon again and work tomorrow... I must admit that I can't wait as I just want to get off this damn hamster wheel, back in to the world of normality where school takes over your life!

B x


----------



## Hbkmorris

Hi Beth

Yes it was the Auqascan type.. the pain.. oooh very VERY uncomfortable and I felt quite strange for a day or so afterwards!They didn't mention my tube search mainly because I already know there blocked and ones had to be clipped of for treatment.

Safe Journey home.. bet your not looking forward to work     

xx


----------



## bethholm

HBK- I think everyone who has endured the procedure should wear T shirts which say 'I have survived an aquascan.' Aquascans are evil. Official. When I googled 'balloon, water, uterus' to research the procedure as I didn't know the exact name for it back in May, it came up as a sexual fetish... the things people do!   Nowt as queer as folk as they say from my neck of the world...  

B x


----------



## pinkpixie

beth i know i shouldnt laugh but your description made me laugh what women in their right minds would say carry on when its hurting and then say yes go on whilst your up there do more evil painful stuff    we all must be mad.  No men would put up with that!!!!


HBK i know what you mean mind showed that my linning isnt as thick as it should be but wasnt the amazing answer that i hoped it would be.  Its a very strange feeling when all the water comes out.  Must admit mine wasnt too bad but did end up with cystitis afterwards lovely!!!  what are your next steps


Kat how are you?  Agree that telling people is so hard think its a good idea to limit the amount of people who know.


hi to everyone else
xx
h


----------



## pinkpixie

Sorry also meant to say dont know if its useful for anyone but asda are doing vitamins 3 for £10 at mo and it includes wellman and sanatogen brands as well as their own so worth it.


Also Beth where are you from?


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Hi ladies just a quick note...

Wine CONGRATS CONGRATS CONGRATS... wishing u all the very best    

Han: Girl if i knew what i wanted to do to be happy i wouldn't be in this position, sigh! I am working on it though and still haven't been able to pin down the career counselor... I am stuck in a rut and just can't pull myself out! As for Fil truthfully if a lot of it had to do with mannerisms and his needyness... the laziness and the lack of regard for himself so many things are putting me off with this whole arrangement... i feel like a prisoner in my own home! He comes down in his underwear all day long, sorry i don't need to see that! and hubby has told him to wear shorts... too many things to say... now if your own children don't want to spend time with you that shows selfishness on their part and says something about you as a person... but since i have no children to comment i will reserve my feelings! It just hits me to know that when i get older i may not have children to take care of me! at least hubby has his son.... sigh!

Beth honey so sorry you have had to join this thread, but if ever there was a thread to join it's this one... the ladies here are great really really great! they make you feel so loved and not much of a failure even those who think they aren't helping they are! I feel you about stepchild living with you, my stepson lived with us when we first got married and he was very rude and nasty to me... i know logically sometimes it's what they learn and how they are influenced but i will never forget some of the things he said to me! 

Anyway this is a "quick" message I am just not feeling vibrant and i feel like i am losing sight of what is important. My focus right now is to find a new job and pray my mom will be ok... i travel next week to be with her while she does surgery... she is a great mom and has been there for me through my whole IF drama...

I just hate feeling the way i do day in and day out... i do have a great friend though who has been there for me and has been helping me through my funk...

To everyone i missed and welcome to the newbies, i'll be back to update you on my job search, mom and Fil


----------



## wobs

JBT     take care hun


----------



## pinkpixie

some good news for me for once    once we had decided to put treatment off till january i decided at having one last attmept at seeing if our health care trust would transfer our funding to Care and got the email to say that they will    so we will get our last nhs go at Care, will have to pay for the extra immunes stuff ourselves but will still be a massive saving. 


love to everyone
xx
h


----------



## waikiki

Sorry, I know I'm about a week late but...                  for Winegum - that's fantastic news hun!  

Also yay for pinkpixie!  It makes a massive difference being at the clinic that you want to be at, and I hope that this time it's your turn hun.    

Welcome to the new ladies - I'm sorry that you've found yourself here, but on the upside, these are the nicest bunch of FFers you could ever care to meet!   

Kat - am I remembering correctly that you will be in London in a couple of weeks? I think you mentioned the 19th but I will be in London for a scan and endo scratch (ouch) on the 18th if you want to meet up for a drink and a natter.

AFM - haven't even started tx yet and already had my first meltdown.  Had a phone consult with Dr G on Tuesday and it sounds like I'm going to need even more immune medication that I have done before and I thought I was already on pretty much everything!  The good news is that my hidden C has cleared up though!    Anyway, after 6 months away from tx I'd forgotten how stressful it is to coordinate all the appointments and treatments on top of a full-time job.  When Healthcare at Home told me that my drugs would arrive late because of their cock up I dissolved into tears on the spot.  I'm so sick of having to do all this again...    Anyway, enough of my whingeing, I'm off to my friend's birthday party to watch my friends eat (food with gluten and sugar in it) and drink (alcohol).  I'll be the saddo in the corner with an apple and a nettle tea...

  waikiki


----------



## pinkpixie

Wakki    and yey on the hidden c clearing up    I admire you for doing no sugar or gluten am really struggling just to do wheat free.  Doesnt help that with being on the metformin is causing my blood sugar to be really low which means i end up eating sugar   .  Its not fair that you are having to do this its really poo!!!


JBT    i hope your mums surgery goes ok.  It sounds like you are in such a hard place at the moment remember we are all here for you.


hi to everyone else
xx
h


----------



## jamaicababytrying

Thanks Pinkpixie i know what you mean about the metformin and the sugar... it happens to me! great news about your next cycle.
off again prepping for my trip...


----------



## bethholm

JBT- Thinking of you and your mum.  

Waikiki- I too am off gluten, sugar and alcohol so I can completely empathise! I also found out last time after 5 cycles that I needed extra immune treatments and was told I needed LIT. Mr G didn't tell me last year when I had all my immune tests done that I was borderline for LAD levels. I wish he had as due to my age, I really need to cover all bases! I remember feeling like you did at the time and asking myself how many more bases did I need to cover or what else was going to raise its head. This time, even in my 2WW, I have finally managed to get my DHEA results back (long story) and it appears that I would have benefitted from taking DHEA but our consultant who did not have these results, told me not to. Ahhh, too late now!   Shame I wasn't at the party either as we could both have shared a cup of nettle tea together.  


Pinkpixie- fab news re your local clinic paying for another cycle!!! We have had to fund all of ours as I was over the cut off age of 39 by a few months plus DH had kids already (although personally speaking I don't see why I should be penalised for waiting to find the right man to settle down with before I had kids and not s***about and expect the state to support me nor should I penalised for DH having kids either  .)Saying that, I wouldn't cycle where I lived for all the tea in China as that is where we had our bad experience with my lap and dye with a somewhat blunt consultant. We did however get our meds paid for for 3 cycles off a very sympathetic doctor who was equally hacked off with the IVF and NHS system.We live in Devon (like Winegum who I have met up with and is a great friend, despite only knowing her for a short while!) but I am originally from Manchester and DH is from further north than that, Glasgow!


Treatment is so stressful and I found that this time I was oddly more stressed during the actually cycling (follicle scan, EC, fertilisation phone call etc.) but for some reason I am completely chilled out during this 2WW. Maybe it is because it is my 6th go and I am Mrs. Cynical now thinking not only that it will never happen, but if it does by some miracle, I will lose it again. Work has been amazing and without sounding like that I have gone completely bonkers,I have forgotten that I am actually in the 2WW however I am sure I will be bricking it on Wednesday morning at some ridiculous hour in the morning. The whole IVF cycle has been a bit of a Bobby Ewing shower moment (showing my age there ladies   ) and never happened. The safety net is in place in case I get BFN on Wednesday; we will save like mad and cycle at Serum at Easter as I am hoping I can get my LIT done there at the same time thus saving a bit of money too rather than do 2 separate trips. I refuse to have LIT done in London again as I still have some slight scarring where Mr G injected me 48 times and bruised me where he held me down afer telling me off for moving my arm away (well stop hurting me then!)

School is great and it has been fabulous to take my mind off things, apart from the fact that it appears we have a poltergeist in school   . This has been going on for years with everyone saying it is haunted, however we have started major building work and things have become worse with things going missing. If I had known all this I would never had applied for the job there! During the school holidays, despite a key pad lock being put on the office door, when my head came back to check on the builders during the holidays, he found a comfy seat placed outside in the rain with lots of personal files on it. Also someone had got through the security into the other office and the whole hard drive had gone from the computer. The phone also rang from part of the school and no-one was there. Yes, it could be someone playing silly buggers, but last week I led a training session for all staff in my room and my head (who is a big Northern chap with tattoos and earrings) was sitting at the back of my classroom. At the end of the evening training session, he came to me quite shaken to tell me that when everyone was facing me, he felt someone pat him twice on his shoulder. It has really spooked him but more so, it is my classroom! I so don't need this as well. We are getting someone in to walk around the school and hopefully have an exorcism. I have warned my head that if he sees me running down the school drive during the day, he will have a good idea what has happened.


Anyway, that's all from my neck of the woods. Love to all the ladies on here and thanks for the wonderful welcome. Feels like home already.  


B x


----------



## pinkpixie

Beth that sounds a bit scary dont think i would like that!!!! I live very close to manchester just outside west yorkshire so hi to another northern lass   hope you contimue to feel chilled out.


xx
h


----------



## bethholm

Pinkpixie- whereabouts near Manchester? I was born not far from the dark side border    A few more twinges this afternoon, completely washed out and feel dizzy with hot flushes although I guess it is down to the drugs    Now have a small gold cross on my security pass- not taking any chances!!!!

B x


----------



## pinkpixie

Beth dont blame you thing likes that freak me out i am such a wimp!!  We live in a little village called Littleborough near hollingworth lake.
I know its no PMA but will keep fingers crossed for you anyway


----------



## bethholm

Pinkpixie- Hey- I know Littleborough a little but know Hollingworth Lake lots as I was often dragged around it at weekends by enthusiastic parents! I was born in Oldham and also know Todmorden too. Thanks for the fingers crossed.   

B x


----------



## longtimewaiting

Wow – I’ve missed a lot! Sorry it's a mega post!

Congratulations again to Winegum   and thank you for your pm – will reply soon x 

Mrs Rock – good to hear from you. I like hearing from veterans who have made it – gives me hope.  

JBox – another veteran who has made it and understands so much.  Your posts are beautifully written and insightful – always good to read so please keep posting here. I hope you are having more ‘cool’ days about your DE – the biological/genetic link stuff you post about is completely understandable. 

Kitten77 – I know I would be just the same as you about buying baby things and believing in being pregnant. One day at a time is the only way. 

Billabong – when it takes what you’ve been thru I guess fear can easily outweigh the joy. 

Kat – I second everything everyone has said. You are amazing – you say it like it is, make us all really think and give so much brilliant support to everyone here. With everything you’ve been through it’s no surprise you feel beaten – look after yourself as well as you can  

Pinkpixie – KWYM about counting down to the next tx and pretending it isn’t happening, it’s the strange world of contradictions we live in. Great you got your NHS funding tho.  Getting left behind is horrible – my friends went on to have their third lot (and suddenly even those babies are toddlers now) and one of them had twins – 4 kids in the time we’ve failed to make 1  

JBT – glad you’re back. You’ve got lots to be mad about – not sure how you’re coping with it all and not posting. Reading and posting is now my counseling. Reading what’s going on with everyone and ranting my own stuff is keeping me kind of sane for the moment. 

Wobs – thank you for your pm, I’ve finally replied. 

Waikiki – how do you manage to say it all so beautifully? Whatever the outcome everyone on this thread understands what a long IF journey can be – so much support and understanding whatever stage we are all at. Sorry your looming tx is stressing you out – hope the nettle tea birthday party was a good way to relax!

Bethholm – welcome from another Devonian, presume your bad experience was at the same local clinic I have stuck with for far too long – horrible place. Your story is so sad but told with humor – how do you do it?! You’re in the right place here, whatever happens – so many great people to support and understand. Hoping with all hope that this is the one – you never know  

Hbkmorris – hope you’re feeling ok about your forthcoming tx and sorry the aquascan was so painful. Can’t believe your friend is preg with BF of 5 months – this world is so damn unfair.

Han72 – I'm also always trying not too spark another row by spending too long on the pooter!

Coweyes – knowing when enough is enough is the hardest bit.  Also wishing you the best of luck with your PGD IVF.

Angela123 – so sorry about your recent BFN, life is so terribly unfair. You’re not the alone with eyes so puffy they don’t open properly. I wish you the very best of luck with your March tx.

Vw22 – not surprised you’re more stressed than with IVF, sounds like a complete hellish nightmare. How can all that stuff come out so late in the day? I feel so sad and angry for you.

Seemslike4eva – welcome and so sorry you’ve been through so much.  Loads of understanding here.

AFM – I’ve had a couple of weeks of extremes - some really good stuff and quite a lot of yuck stuff. Just back from a lovely break in Cornwall with DH where we enjoyed lots of lovely food and wine, walked some beautiful bits of coast and generally just had a good time together! Went to Jamie Oliver's Fifteen restaurant and recommed it on the £20 for 3 courses deal at lunchtime - it was great. And you can watch silly macho men learning to surf while you eat!

The week before, however, we had the biggest row of our 13 years together! DH didn’t realise how much I was struggling with life.  We’re both finding things difficult at the moment – me because I’m lost in this mess of IF and him because he’s lost his reliable dependable wife and his work is a nightmare – he’s responsible for a project that’s gone wrong and could cost his company millions and their just about to restructure is dept which, as we all know, means redundancies. After a couple of awful days we thankfully came out the other side realising we just need to be kind to each other – and I’m now helping him write his management team report on the nightmare project!

I also had my nieces (aged 9 and 14) to stay for 3 nights over half term – love them to bits but they were hard work and I had to question whether we are cut out to be parents. We’ve always looked after them loads and take them on holiday every summer and every New Year while my single mum sister goes to work but I have to say looking after the 14 year old is more difficult now than it was when she was a 3 month old baby! There were some lovely moments but the face of a miserable 14 year old wears you down and the bickering between them got a bit much too. DH says I shouldn’t take it on but I love them and if I put them on hold like the rest of my life they’ll suddenly be grown up and I won’t know them. 

And I spent a day with two friends and their 7, yes 7, children aged 1 to 6 – again DH says I shouldn’t do it, but if I don’t I just end up without friends! It was a difficult day and made me wonder - do I really want this? I just felt out of place which I guess I was. There was this horrible moment when I’m giving the 1 year old his bedtime bottle with an 18 month also snuggled up on my other knee – this wasn’t actually horrible, it was lovely – what was horrible was the look of pity from my friend and her husband. Sometimes I wish I’d never told anyone but I also know that would be horrible too.

And I have to go back to work tomorrow to listen to my boss telling everyone she’s preg. And her baby is due a week after ours would have been if we’d got a proper pregnancy and not a chemical pregnancy last time.

And I had my follow up appt at my rubbish local clinic.  It started off promising with our consultant saying that they had a whole team review to see if there was anything further they could offer us after we’ve been through so much. But it seemed all they wanted to offer was the option of the clinic counsellor sitting in on the appt! 

When we went for a scan during our last cycle, I was feeling stressed, they had kept us waiting for ages (even though we’d booked the first appt of the day to avoid things running late!) so when they asked me what was wrong I had a bit of a melt down and told them, in tears, how unhappy we were with them and how we felt they didn’t care, how we were only there because they gave us a free tx etc. 

I think this prompted them to offer the counselling but it, unfortunately, made me feel like they had a team talk about me not coping and needing counselling rather than about our tx and improving their service. They also made a big point of telling us how much they care about us and our tx – but it all felt like empty words that aren’t backed up by their actions.  

Anyway – we asked, yet again, whether there was anything else they could offer us and found out they are now starting to offer intralipids, aspirin and heparin when specifically asked for by patients. I asked about an endo scratch, anything to make ET easier and anything different post ET because I always bleed 4 days before OTD – apparently they can do an endo scratch, can try stretching my cervix a few days before transfer and can offer extra luteal support. I’m really hacked off that they offer very little until put on the spot. 

Since the appt we’ve got a letter suggesting genetic testing (karyotype) – so much for their team review before seeing us!  Don’t believe a word of it – this clearly came to them after seeing us.  The letter also says I’ve only recently tried DHEA when I’ve been taking it since we got very few eggs in our first cycle!

The letter goes on to say we may not be able to transfer our frosties elsewhere because of how they were frozen and that they may not survive transportation – that’s not what they said when we saw them!  I’m confused and annoyed by them – nothing new there!

We’ve got to go for it and change clinics – I’ve lost all faith in them.

Anyway I’ll stop ranting now and say hi to anyone I’ve missed and thank you for reading – if you’ve got this far!


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome!
I've been smiling all weekend cos I heard from a friend who's finally got her BFP on round #17.
Beth, thinking of you, like your sense of humour too.
Long time waiting, hope DH work situation has a favourable outcome. My DH is not working at the moment, living off my pension from medical retirement, outgoings low as we only have a small mortgage, but means that tx on hold while I think of ways to fund it. I spend lots of time with other peoples (easily conceived) children, too. I love my 9 year old niece & nephew, born a day apart, try to do things with them in the holidays, and we have opened a savings account each to present them on their 18th birthdays.
I live in Birmingham, started off tx with the free NHS IUI cycles, but they weren't particularly helpful, or caring etc. Now moved onto donor embryo adoption abroad - favour czech republic, solely because of skin/hair colouring, as DH & I are both really fair -skinned. 
Gotta go sort some stuff out - monday morning, determined to be organised... catch up soon xx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Good Morning Ladies

seemslike4eva.. Hello, i'm not sure I've spoke to you before but I too live in Birmingham and just wondered where is was you had your NHS IUI? I am a private patient at Birmingham Women's Hospital and after a bumpy ride with the head consultant back in January 2011 we have been quite happy with them. I fear this is our last go as we've spent nearly £10k on investigations, scan, tests IVF etc etc. I hope that going abroad really does full fill your dreams x

longtimewaiting..     God Bless you. You've really been on a little roller coaster of your own over the past few weeks. I hope that you & DP are back to where you should be.. 13 years together and only just having your biggest row is quite some achievement.. Making up is always the best     . As for your clinic WELL i'm lost for words... What selfish arses is all I can say. It always amazes me that you can go on & on plodding but the minute you kick up a fuss they actually can do something different. I had the same with my first tx (as I said above to seemslike4eva) It was a very bumpy ride and mistakes were made. The silly head cons put me on long prot when I'd already asked for short, I asked her to check my AMH before I went on further and she wouldn't have any of it. I them went private to BMI Priory spent £130 only to confirm that I had low AMH and YES I would need short protocol... Anyway she had to refund me her private fees as my cycle was cancelled and they were not to charge me the cancellation fee so that was a saving although I spent £1k on drugs which was a waist! ARRRRGH 

I can't see why they can't move your frosties.. clearly just being a pain. I would write a letter to the head of department, asking questions and ask them to confirm everything in writing in full detail.

It annoys me, IVF is enough of a roller coaster without having to deal with useless doghnuts in the hospital/clinics. 

AFM.. I'm ready for the self harming.. Bring on tomorrow morning.. Dreading the Headaches though.. God help me and everyone around me xx


----------



## bethholm

Evening ladies - if I didn't have a sense a humour I think I would have given up and driven myself to the nearest cliff top by now   (and there are lots down here in Devon!) Sometimes humour is the only thing that keeps us going on this mad rollercoaster! 

On the poltergeist front, more spooky things have happened at work.   The school office spent part of the holidays empting a filing cabinet of all the files and then moved it into the school hall only for the caretaker to complain that when it needed to be relocated from there, it was really heavy to move. When they looked inside, all of the files had been put back... I spoke to the dinner lady today who is a medium (I couldn't believe that I was having such a frank conversation with her about it today!) and she said quite calmy that she knew who was doing it. It was the former headteacher who died whilst still the head of the school and that he had talked to one of her fellow mediums and she had described the spirit to her and they realised it was him. The files from the cabinet belonged to him. He was really upset with the new building work and the fact that they are pulling down the teaching block that I work in as, wait for it ladies, he had designed it! He also kept going on about a tree and they realised he was worried that the builders were going to pull up the tree planted in memory of him next to the bench. What spooks me is the fact that on our website there is a beautiful picture of children playing on our playground and fields with the wonderful view of the sea behind and the bench and tree is in the foreground. For some reason I have always felt uneasy about the picture and can't look at it and I now know why. Can't believe I am so calm about it as usually I would be totally freaked by it all - I put it down to all this s*dding stress I have had with IVF.   

Very very achey ovaries tonight and headaches too (although I have been really naughty and drinking almost zero liquids, so that's the probable cause!) with lower backache. Bought the POS tonight and now seriously considering testing next July. What do you think ladies?  


B x


----------



## waikiki

Beth - I think next July would be fine, although hopefully you might see some other symptoms before then!    Seriously though, I've never been an early tester either as I always expect it to be negative so I work on the 'ignorance is bliss' model of pg testing for as long as humanly possible.  Several years ago before I started IVF I think that I may have had an early miscarriage at around 5 weeks, but because I never tested I will never be 100% sure - I kick myself about it now of course, as it could well have been the only time I would ever have seen a positive result!

Anyway, if you've got the test then just do it when the time feels right for you - I normally do it towards the end of the week so that I can melt down over the weekend if I need to.  Sorry, that may not be helpful on a Tuesday morning! When is your OTD?

Re. cliff jumping I live in Cambridge, so no cliffs here - not even any slight undulations I can throw myself from - perhaps I'm just living here for my own safety.


----------



## Hbkmorris

Beth.. I love poltergeist activity and everything that surrounds it. I wish most haunted would start up again as it was one of my favourite shows.

How fantastic to that the dinner lady is a medium, ooooh I'm all goosebumpy thinking about it and the photo.. I want to see that and show it to my friend who is a medium to and see if she picks up on anything. 

We live in a village and our house is aroung 100 years old when we first moved in I would hear the doors shut (click) and the stairs creek as if someone was walking up them during the night. My medium friend came over and she said that there was a lady there in a brown dress who held her dress up with her left hand (to stop her from tripping over her dress) She's very old with hardly any teeth and she only wants to stay in the oldest part of the property (it's been exteded over the years). Once she had told me that she was no harm to us and that she only wanted to remain in one area I was relieved and we prayed for her safety and that she protected us rather than harm us as & when we chose to decorate.. Crazy but true and now I really don't take any notice.. Things to move.. like my lamps would be twisted around the wrong way, curtains will be ajarr rather than fully closed like a had done on the evening.. all of these things happen late evening or early morning.. Very strange.

How you feeling now? Not long to go x

Waikiki.. How are you doing? Jumping off cliffs.. what thread have I come to?!?!? Ha ha I felt like jumping and hanging after my dear friend told me she was 4 weeks pregnant last night!! Oh what joy... she wasn't even trying which makes it ten times worse x 

AFM.. Well i've started the self harm this morning with my 0.5ml of Buserelin, now I know I shouldn't but OMG I know by the weekend the headaches are going to push me over the edge.. I've warned everyone close to me to keep at bay as I may snap, bite, moan. groan and cry so always some sort of emotion to look forward too!!     

Anyhow PLEASE let this work for us all this time xxxx


----------



## Nordickat

Beth - anything to tell us? I already know due to some sneaky peaking elsewhere just now   
Pixie - is it you that will be in London similar time to me? I am there from first thing saturday to sunday evening - is that the same as you?
Everybody else   and   


Sorry for being awol - being on here in the evening isn´t good for repairing marriage damage so I´ll be elusive for a while I think, until we can sort ourselves out a little. Nothing else to report. I´m either pg, have malaria or am suffering from exhaustion right now. As my collegue pointed out, IF and antimalaria tablets probably rule out the first 2 options where as 70 hours a week at work managing the most stressful project I´ve ever been involved with is pretty likely to cause the exhaustion   . Be back in December though when my work deadline is passed    to all til then ...........


----------



## bethholm

Evening ladies  

Apologies for going AWOL.We got a positive yesterday but I'm taking it a day at a time especially after a chemical pregnancy and MMC back in May.I also felt nervous posting to be honest as you have all been absolutely fabulous and I feel guilty and I know how hard it is when someone gets a BFP.If you take anything from it,please let it be that it was 6 Cycles of IVF,2 operations,procedures,over 300 injections and £36,000 in debt let alone my sanity.That's not saying that this is going to work as being the half glass empty sort of girl that I am,I am worried I'll MC again but at least getting pregnant again at 42 and a half after a miscarriage has restored a tiny bit of faith and I am hoping that some of this rubs off on this thread.

I'll continue to follow you all on here as this thread has so felt like home despite it being only a few weeks.If only I had found you girls earlier. 

Love and massive hugs to you all. 

B x


----------



## Hbkmorris

Beth. 

Congrats to you.. what fantastic news.. Ah you don't you be feelin any guilt.. You've gone through the mill in more ways than one so chin up and keep up with lots of        This is your time now ans enjoy every minute. I can understand that your worried about MC and I hope and    to god that that doesn't happen to you.

Enjoy mummy to be xx


----------



## wobs

Congrats Beth - great news! 

More at weekend ladies
Wobs


----------



## waikiki

Congratulations Beth!      Please don't feel guilty about posting your good news here, I'm sure that like me, everyone else has been checking back regularly to see your news.  I'm interested to see that you had a hysto at Serum before this cycle, which gives me hope that there is one more thing to try if my next cycle doesn't work.  I have already given my own eggs and full immune tx a good try, if this next cycle fails then I would have given DE a good crack of the whip too and maybe then the doctors will finally listen to what I've been saying for years about failed implantation!  Trying to stay positive about this cycle but honestly believe now that nothing will work until I go to Serum and have a good clear out so to speak.  Anyway hun, I know that it must be a worrying time for you, but try to enjoy it too.   

Kat - It's me that will be in London at the end of next week, but I'll be there on Fri afternoon so sadly we will just miss each other.  Hope that you enjoy your trip though!


----------



## bethholm

Thanks ladies for the well wishes as it means a lot especially as I've been there so often & know how it feels when it's worked for someone else (well,it's worked at the moment...)

Waikiki-we went out to Athens back in July primarily for LIT and had a free consultation with the amazing Peny at Serum.She strongly suggested that I had a hysteroscopy (which then led to frantic phone calls to the bank and parents as we hadn't anticipated any extra costs!) especially due to my age.Every time you have a period from the age you start menstruating, you don't shed all the lining so you get a build up of a necrotic (dead)layer of cells.I likened it to a build up of a plaque on your teeth over a 28 year period (yuk!) Anyway, she convinced us that this could be the reason behind my MMC in May.To cut a long story short,I had the painless,stress free procedure a few days later and was given a DVD of their findings (which was bizarre to watch I'll tell you what with my uterus lit up like Blackpool Illuminations! ) It revealed that I had a thick necrotic layer and scar tissue from my many failed IVFs,MCs etc.When the surgeon (who is top in his field) cut it all away,there was no bleed and where it was apparent that the embie had embedded, it was on this thick layer of dead cells with limited blood supply.The poor thing didn't stand a chance.He also cut implantation points too.Peny and the surgeon said that it would improve my chances 'significantly' of conceiving. Since then I have advised a few girls on the immune thread to go over to Serum for this procedure and they have had the procedure and also have found to have a thick necrotic layer.Quite a few ladies get BFPs after a hysteroscopy as it's a bit like a spring clean.Kind of makes sense.If you or any other ladies need any more information on this,please let me know and I would love to pass on as much info as possible (and I'm not on commission!!)

Off to catch our flight to Athens for more needles!

B x


----------



## pinkpixie

beth thats wonderful news congratulations


----------



## mccrea74

bethholm said:


> Evening ladies
> 
> Apologies for going AWOL.We got a positive yesterday but I'm taking it a day at a time especially after a chemical pregnancy and MMC back in May.I also felt nervous posting to be honest as you have all been absolutely fabulous and I feel guilty and I know how hard it is when someone gets a BFP.If you take anything from it,please let it be that it was 6 Cycles of IVF,2 operations,procedures,over 300 injections and £36,000 in debt let alone my sanity.That's not saying that this is going to work as being the half glass empty sort of girl that I am,I am worried I'll MC again but at least getting pregnant again at 42 and a half after a miscarriage has restored a tiny bit of faith and I am hoping that some of this rubs off on this thread.
> 
> I'll continue to follow you all on here as this thread has so felt like home despite it being only a few weeks.If only I had found you girls earlier.
> 
> Love and massive hugs to you all.
> 
> B x


Brilliant news beth. Well done to you!


----------



## kitten77

Hi all

first off sorry i havent been around much, but i have been reading and sending all my love and prayers to you all who need it. 

First off i want to send a MASSIVE congratulations to Winegum and Bethholm and i cried when i read your news, i am so very very pleased for you both. and understand the take one day at a time thing, im so pleased for you both.

Kat - sorry to hear your having bad times at home and remember we are always here if and when you need us. god those hours at work are long! hope the project ends soon!!

HBK - hope the self harm is going ok - big hugs to you

seems like 4 eva - sorry that you find yourself here, but a big welcome and these are all loveliest ladies you will ever meet.

longtimewaiting, mrsrock, jbox, billabong, pink pixie, JBT, wobs, wikikki, han, coweyes, angela123, massive hugs to you all to. and to everyone else i have missed, i dont mean to miss you off, but we have a big long list of members now (not a good thing i know, but nice we can all find a place).

afm - nothing much going on, go back to work a week on monday, that will be 10 weeks off in total - really dont want to go back.  

my friends cat is poorly at the moment and i believe this afternoon they are putting him to sleep, she is sooooo upset, ive cried too for him poor Ginge, its like loosing a member of the family isnt it, its so upsetting when we have to loose a furbaby. please send love to my friend. xx


----------



## Han72

Hi all

just wanted to say WOOP WOOP Beth   I know it's difficult so I won't go mad with the smileys but I really hope you'll soon be able to relax and enjoy a happy and healthy pregnancy and beyond   

Kitten    to you and your friend, poor puddy tat   

Love to all 

xxx


----------



## seemedlike4eva

yay, Beth, I'm sooooo happy to see your news! Well done, and enjoy every moment xx
Hbk, hello, I had 3 cycles of natural cycle IUI at the womens, til they ran out of donor sperm.I only ever saw a doctor once, in outpatients, then nurses the rest of the time. Had day 21 prog test, & HSG but that's all the testing they did. Had consultation and blood tests at Midland Fertility but my BMI was over 30, so they refused treatment, & i took an instant dislike to the consultant there. As well as with the fees they charged, there were no parking facilities! I'll be keeping everything crossed for you too this cycle   
I'm concentrating on my weight loss - 2 stone since last cycle, and improving my fitness by swimming regularly, oh yeah always praying for a mahoosive lotto win too....
 to everyone, trying to get to know everyone slowly xx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Hello.. I didn't like the attitude of midland fertility either.. Very snotty and quite rude so opted for women's.. All though I've not got my bfp I do think that the nurses (well some if them) are wonderful the rest are ok!! My cons is really nice I changed from the main head of the dept to her registra whom is male and is open to try different things. I just fear that I need immune testing although they keep telling me ivf is more numbers game and pot luck.. Easier said than done when we've no money left at mo.. 

Where have you had the rest of your tx? My bmi is over 30 yet they don't seem too concerned of that.. I've tried loosing weight and I dint drink alc or really eat fatty foods so I'm a bit confused as to why the kinds won't shift.. I guess I keep blaming hormones but they isn't really the case I just a fat sausage ha ha ha. Well done you though.. How fab.. 

Xx


----------



## Nordickat

Huge congratulations beth!


----------



## charlotte80

Hello ladies, hope you don't mind me gatecrashing, I am more a reader than a poster but wanted some advice - how do you find the strength to carry on?

Have just had my third BFN and it's hit me quite hard. I was feeling more positive about this cycle and thought this was our time. A little history about me - I had a natural pregnancy which ended in a MMC in 2009. in September 09 DH was diagnosed with hodgkins lymphoma, he had to freeze sperm quite soon after diagnosis so they could start chemo quickly. He had 6 mths of chemo and April 10 given the all clear, we started our first cycle only to be told in July that the cancer had returned. Wecarried on with the cycle anyway as I was already stimming - bfn. DH had more chemo and then a stem cell transplant last November followed by radiotherapy in January. We embarked on another cycle Feb - bfn. DH is doing well now and back in remission. We decided to change clinics and felt we made a good decision. We felt happier and went through tests and a hysteroscopy before treatment. This time had 10 eggs but only 3 fertilised which was worse than other 2 cycles but once ET came round was feeling good about it all but no another BFN.

We were lucky to have the first 2 cycles funded but have paid alot out for this cycle. How have you ladies that have had more cycles find the money? We are thinking of having another go but how do you think positive, if it hasn't worked now I worry it will never work. dH and I are going on holiday over Christmas, not sure we can afford itbut we really need to get away, relax and have some time together.

I've rambled enough now but would appreciate any words of wisdom of how you pick yourself up again, I've cried everyday since my bfn Monday.
Charlotte x


----------



## Hbkmorris

Oh Charlotte your post has brought a tear to my eyes. Firstly your both very strong to get through what you've had terribly thrown at you and I've had a friend who's gone through such cancer which is so cruel so I feel for you both. On a good note your hubby is on the mend and I truly hope that you find the comfort and support you need from all of us right now. 

We've had to pay for all our treatment and are in debt by £11k.. Where we got it from I don't know but I fear this is the end of our road after this FET as we have nothing left. All I can say is we've borrowed from parents, bank, credit cards and used all our little savings..  now it'll be remortgage if needs be but my dp is having non of it so I guess it'll be game over! 

I've thought long and hard about immune testing and we've also considered donor sperm but as I say we need to win the lottery first. 

My strength comes from wanting something so much and regardless of expense I'll go and get a weekend job if needs be as I want our baby so much it hurts.. 

I hope you get the future you dream of one day and please don't think your own your own in anyway.. Were all here to help each other xxx


----------



## catie_s

Hi ladies,
I have just got my 2nd BFN with icsi. I feel crushed and really dont know how I can face going through all this again. Everyone around me is pregnant, colleagues at work, old friends from school and  to top it off my 2 sisters in law have both just had babies. I just feel so useless and alone. Both times the biologist has gone on about how great the embryos are and I have had to beg for them to put 2 in as she was convinced it would be twins and yet both times it has failed. What is wrong with me. How do I keep hope and find strength to try again? I have read some truly inspiring stories on this thread, please help me to stay strong.
Catie xx


----------



## JBox

Hi guys... Posting from phone so its a quick one but wanted to welcome charlotte to the thread - u really have been thro the mill and back. You must be a very strong person - I know unfortunately first hand the horrors of hodgkins lymphoma and I am really pleased to hear ur dh is doing well. You will get there in the end but stay in this thread coz the gals here are wonderful and supportive and can offer some great advice.
Catie - so sorry to hear of ur bfn - us veterans know what that's like and we can sympathise. 
Han - good to hear from u its been a while
HBM, Beth, Waikiki,Wobs,Kitten,Pixie,long time, seems like, VW, everyone - sending love.
Kat u disappeared on me hon - r u ok? Missing u
JBT - how's it going there? Thinking of u xxx

AFM - had bleeding and pains on friday and ended up in hospital over weekend and am now on bed rest for 2 weeks and off work til birth. Am only wk 29!!!!!! So bored already! My dh is being amazing and pretty much doing everything. I think this little episode has made me realise how lucky I am and how much I want this child and how much I need to get over my issues. The baby is doing fine and I have a low lying placenta which means a def c-section! I just nEed to keep the baby in for another few weeks before I can relax.

I hope everyone here is looking forward to xmas and the upcoming break. I hear its going to be -20 in some parts of uk this winter I bloomin eck!!!! Its rainy here but still warm - about 20 degrees. So when u all coming out to visit?
Xx


----------



## pinkpixie

jbox    glad you and bump are ok make sure u take it easy.  20 degrees sounds lovely   

catie    welcome but sorry that you have found yourself here.  Have you had any extra testing done?

charlotte    i dont think you can carry on thinking positive i know with each failure a piece of hope and me has gone.  You need time to grieve and relax and spend time with your DH.  I have found that as time passes you start to want to try again and the pain to lessen.

love and hugs to all
xx
h


----------



## Nordickat

So sorry for vanishing on you. I have pretty much died inside and really genuinely have nothing to offer any more. I do read and will post if I have anything to say, its not an intentional stay away its just the way its turned out. Just feeling a bit of a freak I guess and a lonely one at that. And if one more person says ´its your turn next´or ´i hope my story gives you hope´I swear I kill someone. I just don´t understand why other peoples pregnancys should give me hope. All it does is enforce my fears of a lonely future. Yes most others get pg, but all that means for me is that I´ll probably be lonely forever because there are so few people out there who don´t have kids, because yes, it does happen to most others. Miracles do happen everyday I´m sure but I know they won´t ever come my way.


My life is now about getting up to go to work because its time, I go home because its time, I eat because its time blah blah blah. All I do I do because I have to, not because I want to. And that is my sad lonely life for another 40 years or so unless I am lucky enough to go early. Hence why I have nothing to offer on here anymore. I have moved from a different pain now. Not the pain of a BFN, that does pass as Pixie says, but I´m not sure the pain of never being a mum will ever go.


I´m sorry you are here charlotte and catie but I can´t help you stay strong I´m sorry. I´m not one of those inspiring stories, I´m one of the failure ones and I can´t tell you how to find the strength to continue as mine has all gone.  I can promise you though, as time passes by you will suddenly notice you are feeling a bit more you again and you will realise you have a wee bit more strength in you and you can try again. It takes time and it can´t be rushed. One day you´ll just realise you are ready to try again.


I will no doubt be reading here for a long while yet and I do genuinely wish all of you happiness in whatever form it comes.
Katxxx


PS. You take care of that precious cargo JBox xxx


----------



## catie_s

Dear all -  just had to share the most amazing thing that happened to me!
After my negative HPT this morning I went for my blood test in despair. Spent a tearful morning at work despairing that our 2nd icsi had failed only to then unbelievably get  a call from the lab this afternoon to say that my blood beta is 178 ( I am 14 days after a 2 day transfer) and so it is a BFP!! (the lab want a reading of more than 100 before they confirm a pregnancy) The HPT I did this morning was a false negative!! I was crying my eyes out on the phone to the lab. Since I got home I have done two more HPTs and they are both definitely positive!!!! I honestly never believed in stories of false negatives or positives but it has actually happened! I had truly given up hope! Still cant take it in. Just hope that everything goes ok from now on as still cramping ( was sure all day that AF on its way esp after negative test) I have to wait till 6th Dec for scan – will be a nervous wreck!!
Thank you to everyone for your lovely messages of support. I am crossing everything that we all get our happy endings!
Love Catie xxx


----------



## catie_s

Ps NordicKat - I'm so sorry. I know there is nothing I can say   xx


----------



## wobs

Kat - big hugs coming your way     you know we are all here for you.  Even if you don't believe it at the moment you are a truly inspiring woman.  take care

Wobs


----------



## wobs

Caite - great news.  Congrats.


----------



## bethholm

Kat- as Wobs said, you are truely an inspiration but it is natural to feel as you do after so mucn cr*p has come your way. I have had depression in the past and can understand, even though depression is different for everyone. Sending you much needed massive hugs sweetheart.         

Catie- Amazing news! Hope things are still going well and you are not going as mad as I am in the time between the test and the scan.  

JBox- You take care of yourself! Thinking of you.  

hbkmorris- we too are in debt by about £17,000! By the time that I eventually have a baby   , it'll be named after a credit card.  

Charlotte- sending you big hugs too as you've been through the mill. What helped me through my multiple BFNs was to plan the next one asap and be proactive. I likened it to going over the top in the trenches (albeit obviously not on the same scale!) and being shot down, only to pick yourself up and run at the enemy again (and be shot down again!) I refused not to accept that it wouldn't work, as what would all the tears and absolute pain have been for in the end (not to mention all the costs of funding all the 6 cycles plus investigatons and full immunes.) I think you have to be bl***y minded and a certain kind of person to go through IVF repeatedly. That's not to say that there does come a time when for sanity's sake, you decide enough is enough and that I think takes it to another level of bravery. Thinking of you.  

Hi to Pinkpixie, Jamaica, my dear friend Winegum, Han72, seemslike4ever,Kitten Mcrea,Waikiki and apologies to anyone I have missed.   

AFM- more poltergeist activity at work and we now know it's the former headteacher and a small child too. We have had mediums in school who have talked to them and they have communicated back. Sounds really surreal and can't believe I am taking it in my stride especially as I am someone who can't even watch something slightly spooky on tv! I spoke to one of them the other week, telling them about my IVF and not to pat me on the shoulder (like they did with my head) or move things back to their original place (like what has happened) as I have enough stress in my life! On a sad note though, I have heard this week that my cousin has had a bad climbing accident out in the US and is on life support. My family have flown out to be with him especially as we lost his brother in a mountain accident 14 years ago. Fortunately he is now stable, but we are taking it a day at a time especially as I am close to him. He'd given up teaching for a year to rock climb and mountain bike across North America with his new wife. We are hoping that as soon as he breathes on his own,they will fly him back to the UK. It's his second serious climbing accident in 10 years as he nearly had to have his ankles amputed after his last fall.

Back to school work...

Love to all,

B x


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi to all the BPF ladies – Mrs Rock, JBox, Kitten77, Billabong and more recently Winegum, Bethholm and catie-s. Hope you’re all doing ok – keep resting up, especially JBox.

Winegum – special thank you for all your help and support in pm x x x 

Kat – I’m so sorry your feeling so dreadful. Nothing I can say makes anything any better – IF is just an extremely painful thing. But you are a wonderful person and have helped so many and I want to say thank you for giving so much. Take care of yourself.

Hi to everyone whos started/about to start/planning the next tx – Pinkpixie, Waikiki, Hbkmorris, Coweyes and especially Wobs - thank you for your pm, I’ve been rubbish but will reply soon.

JBT – how are things? Hope your mum’s surgery went ok.

Vw22 – how are things? You were having a terrible time last post.

Welcome charlotte80 – sorry you’ve been thru so much. Hope with time you will feel a little better. We are fast running out of money – it’s prob one more go for us in terms of money and emotional strength.

Hello too to Seemslike4eva, Angela123, Han72 and anyone I may have missed.

AFM - I’ve been getting myself in a right old state about what to do next! Stress and anxiety levels sky high last week! Now trying to calm down and let the dust settle rather than rush and stress myself out. Doing the immunes level 1 tests and karyotype test with my GP so I’m doing something for now. And my GP is writing to my local clinic for a summary of our tx as they’ve heard nothing from them for the last 4 years – I assumed the basics were sent to your GP! And my GP said we should go elsewhere based on what he knows of our clinic!


----------



## Hbkmorris

Morning Ladies sorry i've been a bit awol.. bloomin DR is taking it's toll upon me   

JBox.. How are you doing now? Can't believe your having all the wonderful time off work.. Enjoy yourself, relax, feet up with DVD.. Just thing soon enough your not going to be able to do it so make the most of it now x

pinkpixie.. Hello you.. How are you? Are you all ready for xmas? x

Nordickat.. I feel your same thoughts daily! I used to always see a baby in my arms, in my home, with my DP & with my family but now I just see endless emptyness. I have lost all hope and I say that whilst DR for my FET which I already have decided won't work which isn't the attitude I want but just can't help how I feel. It seems that everyone around friends at work and around home are getting pregnat so why can't I.. I feel it's gods way of saying your just one of those women whom shall grow old bitter & twisted. All I can say is that life is what you make of it and I have decided that if this doesn't work I'm going to look into Fostering.. My DP isn't keen but he can either like it or lump it because i'm not spending my life without children in it. I've got to much love to give to a child that needs it... Your not alone    xx

catie_s.. We've PM'd how's the little beannie & mommy to be doing? I've told a few friends of mine your story and each one of them ended up crying.. Bless you x

wobs.. Hello.. Hows things in your camp? x

bethholm.. I like it.. Santander, egg, M&S.. I draw the line at Tesco's mind you! ha ha ha ha. I love reading your poltergeist posts.. I love anything to do with the past over folk.. BRING BACK MOST HAUNTED!!! Hope your cousin's ok and on the mend.. Such a nightmare when you all live so FAR away x

longtimewaiting.. Are you calmer today? I know the feeling only too well. Can I ask you if your having to pay for your level 1's at your GP's as I've has some of mine done but the remaining which includes karyotype i've got to pay for and it's coming up at £500! My GP said I can't have them done on the NHS as i'm not having any of my treatment on the NHS.. Bloomin disgrace! I've filled in a form for my hospital as I want a copy of all my treatment records it costs £40 but at least I can either decide to go elsewhere next year or I've got them for my own reading. 

AFM.. well i'm still DR.. bloomin bored now of injecting and the headaches are really harsh!! I've also got the dizzy spells and only every now & then the night sweats other than that all as normal really.. well as normal as can be. I've my baseline scan on 24th Nov (this Thursday) fingers crossed all is ok and I can start my 6 HRT pills a day. I'll have the nauseous to contend with then.. Oh the joys. 

xxx


----------



## hopeful m2b

Hi Everyone, do you mind if I join you?

I have just finished our second cycle of treatment with another BFN.  I am really struggling at the moment, feel so sad most of the time and on the verge of tears most of the time too.  Can't help think what might of been with our last two embies.  That is four we have lost now after ET between these two cycles.  I am worrying that we will never have a child of our own as I am 40 in a couple of months and time is running out.  Can't seem to pick myself up at the moment, the grief seems so much worse than our first cycle


----------



## catie_s

Hi ladies
Just to say thank you for the kind messages.   to you all, this is a really hard and unfair journey and I am just glad there are groups like this for support as I have had so many tactless and insensitive comments from people that just dont understand!!
Bethholm - my scan is on 6th Dec and it just seems so far away! I am really trying to relax and just enjoy this but I am honestly so scared that something is going to go wrong. I am frightened that I will see blood everytime I go to the toilet especially as I am still on the progesterone pessaries so (sorry if TMI) I have a constant sticky feeling and start panicking. Do you have any advice on staying calm? 
HBK - thank you for your lovely messages. I am keeping everything crossed for your FET.   Keep me posted 
Also can anyone explain what 'Tx' means? I am new to all these abbreviations and sometimes I dont understand what people are saying  
Catie xx


----------



## Hbkmorris

Hi Catie_S.. Glad to hear your scan is booked.. 6th of December is SOOOOOO round the corner so don't you fret. TX means treatment.. lets hope before long non of us will need to use such abbreviations.. I'm really    now. 

hopeful m2b.. getting a BFN is so dam hurtfull and very cruel, I feel your pain as I too have had 2 delivered to me and it really is sould destroying. After this FET I shall into immunes testing as there is a massive reason why my top grade embies don't wish to implant and I can't get NK cells out of my mind. I had a hysteroscopy a month ago to check for lining issues, fibroids or polyps all of which was fine so my clinic keep saying it's a numbers game.. can't say I share there theory as we're prtty much spent out now! Keep your chin up.. It has to work for us like it does for other ladies x

Hope everyone else is ok.. I'm pretty much fed up of injecting Buserelin now.. the headaches are immense and the dizzy spells are becoming a right pain in the   .

I've my baseline scan tomorrow but i'm still bleeding (only light) but it's still there on day 8 of my AF which is crazy as it's normally all done & dusted by day 5.. Hope that's ok and normal!! Anyone else had this? I'm stressing this cycle will be cancelled due to my lining not getting thick enough.. arrrgh non stop stress!! xx


----------



## kitten77

Hi everyone, i have been reading daily and keeping up with you but hard to reply on phone. hope everyone is holding up.

HBK - yes when i was DRing i was still bleeding when i went to my scan, they dont mind and say alot of people are still bleeding, i think the problem only comes if you havnt bleed and you will have wait then. i was still full on bleeding on one of my scans and they said the lining will be fine, and it was.  sorry to hear of the side effects from the injecting, not good. 

catie - your scan is day before my birthday, so good luck with that it will come quick enough (i have my 20 week scan on monday - scared!) - im sorry to say that the knicker checking will still be with you - i still do it now, i check EVERYTIME i go to the loo. 

hopeful m2b - sorry to hear of your bfn, it cuts like a knife dont it. i dont have any advice on how to cope im afraid, just look after yourself - ive had 6 failed txs so i know the greif it brings. massive hugs to you.

kat - how you doing honey

longtimewaiting - how are you doing now? still stressing?have you decided what your gonna do next?

sorry this is short and sweet - at work so able to post a bit more.


----------



## pinkpixie

kitten good luck  for monday cant believe its 20wks!!!!
xx
h


----------



## kitten77

thanks pixie - yer i cant believe it either! still scared sh**tless by the whole thing.


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Good evening ladies,
Lovely to see posts from the ladies who have are pregnant, lots of luck to you all at your different stages.
Hbk, hope your coping with the cycle, and    
Charlotte, wow, that's a lot you've had to deal with.
Kat, can identify with a lot of what you say,   
I think I'm at the stage of coping with the BFNs cos I tell myself that it won't work, success is just a bonus. the one time I did get my hopes up was the fresh DE cycle we had, as I had 4 put back, and told it increased my chances to 80%, and was truly astonished by the BFN. We only had enough money to do that once, & sadly had no frosties to fall back on. We inherited our house after my dad died, but it needed some work, so we took a small mortgage out to pay for the work, & used that for the big cycle. Even though we have about 80% equity in our house, we have no savings & having been caught in the debt trap before we started tx, and clawed our way out, I don't want to go back there. Although on my bad days I'd quite happily sell the house, live in a caravan, use the money to go to a clinic where they guarantee a pregnancy or a refund! Moving onto DE has taken the time pressure off, so we can have longer gaps between cycles to get the money together. 
We have wonderful godchildren, who are both in single-parent families, so we invest a lot of time & energy to help with their upbringing, and have opened savings accounts for them, to give when they are 18. We would love to foster, but don't think we'd be accepted due to our medical histories.
FF is the only place where I feel comfortable talking about these things, in real-life, very, very few people know the truth. I find disclosure really difficult, DH is prepared to be a bit more open, but often finds himself getting a sharp dig in the ribs   
As soon as the compensation comes through from his accident, I shall be on a plane somewhere to try to make a baby happen..... I have antiphospholipid syndrome, so after ET I have to have clexane, been on prednisolone for years, got a stash of ginger capsules, omega 3 capsules and selenium tablets, my last few cycle scans have shown a beautiful triple striped thick endometrium, and just for good measure I've lost almost 2.5 stone since last attempt!
Enough of me,     goodnight everyone xx


----------



## JBox

seemslike4eva.... wow, when i read stories like yours and when i hear how UNbitter and how accepting you are, i have such deep admiration and respect ... I know that all of us here on this thread have had huge long histories of infertility and txs but its the attitude we take with it thats what keeps us going. i cant claim to have been anything but angry, bitter, resentful, jealous, pssed off at the unfairness of it all and to be honest, even now when i should be absolutely 100% happy and on cloud 9, i am still feeling a bit resentful of those women who had no problems getting pregnant or even got pregnant after years of trying but with their own genetic child. I wish i was a better person, i wish i was a nicer person who could accept things face value instead of trying to change the unchangeable - it would make me a much calmer a much less judgemental person....
I am lucky that i dont live in the uk so tx here is free and the drugs are totally subsidised meaning a full ivf cycle can cost around 300 pounds.... still hits you hard in the bank, but nothing like you gals have to pay in the uk... hence my continuous struggle and treatments to get pregnant....but  i really hope that you guys find the finances to do another round of ed. i was told that with ed (if own egg quality is the problem) the statistics show that on the second cycle it ususally works and it did for me...and i really hope it does for you.
sending you huge huge hugs, really think you are amazing, and strong. and i hope that you reach your goal very very soon. 

xx


----------



## bethholm

Love to everyone else as this is a quick one before the mad children arrive (and staff...)Will post a longer message over the weekend as I am banished from the house as DH's DD and grandchild and DS are coming up and I still can't face babies or pregnant people.


AFM- tragic news this week as my cousin has been killed in a climbing accident in the States. He was only 31 and had given up teaching to rock climb and mountain bike across North America with his new wife. We lost his brother in a similar accident 14 years ago and to be perfectly honest, we've never got over that either. I was very close to both my cousins and can't believe that he has gone, especially as both had brain injuries from their accidents. At least with the elder one, he died at the scene 14 years ago, whereas this time his brother was on a life support for over a week. On a positive note, he has made at least 4 if not 5 people's lives better this Thanksgiving through organ donation. I have had abdominal cramps and lower back pain since receiving the news and pray  that everything is ok down there. My scan is around the 5th December and although lightning does strike twice it seems in our family, I hope  and pray we have a heartbeat this time.


Love to all,


B x


----------



## JBox

OMG Beth I am so so so sorry to hear that. What a nightmare for you all and of course his new wife. Please try and take it easy darling, you don't need added stress. I know its virtually impossible to think of yourself right now but please try and take care of you and your precious cargo.
X


----------



## Hbkmorris

Beth.. I'm really sorry to hear your sad news.. How precious life is and to think that he lost his brother in such tragic circumstances and now to loose his own is just heartbreaking.    I hope that you and your little bean will be fine and if you feel really worried why don't you go to the doctors and keep having you HGC levels checked.. I'd say if there rising then there's a pretty good chance all is ok.. I'm    for you hunni & my thoughts are with you at this terrible time x

JBox.. Where do you live? I'm moving!! We've spent £11.5K and would love to only spend £300 a cycle x

seemslike4eva.. Yours words read true for so many of us and no matter how much we try it feels like our bodies have failed us. Lets hope we all don't have to wait to long for our dreams to start coming true.. after all we all deserve it now x

kitten77.. Not long now for you..    and lots of    whilst you waiting.. 20 weeks where has that time gone x

pinkpixie.. Hope your ok x

AFM.. I had my baseline scan yesterday and all is ok.. lining nice & thin so I started the pill popping lastnight.. blimey all 6 of them!! I've had to set an alarm on my phone to remind me each day!! Next scan is next Friday 2nd.. fingers crossed the next week fly's by xx


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Beth, my heart goes out to your family. Will continue   that you have good news at your scan.
JBox, don't be so harsh on yourself! I'm quite sure that you really are a lovely person, and believe me I have had my moments of hating the world, being resentful,  & saying really nasty things to DH about his super fertile family....
HBK, hope the blue pills make you feel a bit better after the down reg with putting your estrogen back. Fingers crossed that your lining progresses nicely too.
hopefulm2b   
kitten, hope you're able to relax a bit over the weekend, all the best for your scan.
love to all x


----------



## kitten77

just a quick one - i would like to thank each and everyone of you for being so kind, i know how hard it is when someone gets pregnant and i know all to well the feelings (yes jbox we have all had them!) of how bitter you feel. but you have made me feel so ok about it, this is my family here and i didnt want to leave as i would like to be there for all of you if i can help as the feelings of IF never ever go away. 

please please please tell me if ANY of you are stuggling with my updates and i will be more than happy to keep them to myself as i know how hard it can be someones.

thank you all, i love you all.


----------



## Hbkmorris

Kitten77

Don't you leave us.. your story gives us all hope and makes us believe that dreams do come true.

You may post to your hearts content.. We all know the pain that infertility causes us but we all have to share stories like yours to realise there is hope for us all.

xx


----------



## bethholm

kitten77 said:


> just a quick one - i would like to thank each and everyone of you for being so kind, i know how hard it is when someone gets pregnant and i know all to well the feelings (yes jbox we have all had them!) of how bitter you feel. but you have made me feel so ok about it, this is my family here and i didnt want to leave as i would like to be there for all of you if i can help as the feelings of IF never ever go away.
> 
> please please please tell me if ANY of you are stuggling with my updates and i will be more than happy to keep them to myself as i know how hard it can be someones.
> 
> thank you all, i love you all.


I couldn't have said it better and it totally echoes how I feel even though I have only felt part of this family for a short time.

Thank you all for your heartfelt messages.My family and I are taking each day at a time.Even though I've lost my cousin who I considered to be my little brother (& v.v.) we have since learnt that 4 poorly people have have a better quality of life especially over Thanksgiving.My next hurdle is to get over my scan which to be perfectly honest, I'm dreading after having a MMC at the next.So many people have said that it is so unusual to have more than 1 MMC but as we have recently found out,lightning does tend to strike twice in our family.Since hearing the news this week,I've had slightly more subtle abdominal twinges here and there with lower backache.I guess only time will tell.If rather bleed than have a MMC as it is a complete head**** when you think everything is ok when you go for a scan.

Thinking of you all ladies and as kitten put it so wonderfully, this this thread certainly feels like my family and I have at last,after around 3 years on FF have found my way home.

B x


----------



## bethholm

Ps ' Only felt like part of this family' should read ' only been part of this family' but can't change it as I'm on my iPhone on my way up to London. DH's son, daughter and her 'quick sh*g one night stand at Christmas 
' newborn baby are staying at my house this weekend so I am banished as I still get too upset talking about her child (haven't even seen a photo) and sadly will be until the situation changes with me.Like many of you ladies (and the good things about this thread is the honesty and the fact that we are not judged) I am so very bitter about women who have not had the pain of IF especially in my case,a 16 year old and a DH who still can't understand why I can't see the baby as I should make more of an effort as it's his grandchild  (which is the very reason why I can't.) It's the only way we often can deal with our own pain and sometimes ladies we need to put our needs first.

B x


----------



## charlotte80

Thankyou for all your kind words.
We have our follow up on the 2nd so hoping for some answers but I'm guessing i won't get any.
We have booked our holiday, off to Gran Canaria for a week over Christmas. Not sure we can really afford it as need to save for another cycle but we need the break.
Sorry no personals am trying to do school work.
Have a good weekend all.
Charlotte x


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi Everyone 

Thank you for your messages – definitely less stressed at the mo. Trouble was talking to lots of people about our situation, I know they say talking is supposed to help, a problem shared is a problem halved and all that, but for me it’s just not like that. I think I’m better off sticking my head in the sand and pretending everything’s ok!

Anyway – my real concern and stress is that I’d like to go to ARGC, purely based on success rates but it’s not practical for us because it so far to travel, we don’t have anyone we could stay with and a friend who went there (and got pg thankfully) said it cost £30k in total including travelling etc and she stayed with a relative in London for 5 weeks! We've already spent that and there's no way we could find that money again.

I’m thinking CRGH is more practical and this might actually be a better option for us specifically, because they have the highest rates with frozen cycles and our only BFPs so far have been with frozen cycles. I’m going to try and go to an open evenings at CRGH and see how I feel after that and I think we’ll try and see Mr Ramsey at the same time.

Hbkmorris – my GP thinks its outrageous that we have to pay for any of our tx so he’s really helpful but there are some things he can’t do because he has to get all the GPs at the practice to sign up. He’s gonna do as much as he can and go through the results with me next week so I’ll let you know. Hope the HRT pills are going ok x 

Hi hopeful m2b – so sorry to hear about your BFN, been where you are too many times and know how hard it is, let the tears out whenever you can, don’t expect too much of yourself and give yourself time to grieve  

Beth – very sorry to hear your sad news  

Sorry no more personals – gotta get back to work but hello to everyone.


----------



## Nordickat

LTW - don´t put too much emphasis on success rates and stats. Some of the clinics pick and choose their patients dependent on their hormone levels and age etc, so a good success rate might well be skewed by the fact they don´t take any old person. Having least stress is more important if you ask me. And nothing wrong with burying your head and the sand and pretending all is well   


Beth     I´m so sorry for your sad news


 to everyone else,
Katxxx


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi Nordickat - lovely to hear from you. How are things with you? Thanks for your advice and understanding x x x


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Good evening!
How is everyone? Kitten, was scan OK? 
Just got back from our first Christmas meal, and received our first  card. Must get butt into gear & write ours. Whole tribe of outlaws descend on us for Christmas because we have largest house....ironic seeing as we're the only ones without kids.
Went to visit a lady with a new baby this week, coped fine cos it was just a flying visit, literally dropped the cards & gift, then left them in peace.
Hope all is well with everyone xx


----------



## wobs

Hi ladies

Hope you're all doing ok.
 to those who need them

LTW - I agree with Kat - you just need to find the clinic that feels right to you and that will work for you.

take care all
Wobs


----------



## longtimewaiting

Thank you Wobs - think I'm gonna try and visit the Lister too, then I'll have looked at 3 clinics, and see how I feel. How are you getting on at ARGC? Have you started cycling?

Hi to everyone - hope you're all holding up ok x x x


----------



## waikiki

I'm struggling today ladies...feeling terrible on all my meds and I'm not even stimulating (DE cycle).  They've upped my prednisolone dose which means I can't sleep and have developed thrush in my mouth.  After several delays my donor is now taking ages to be ready for EC, which I'm hoping isn't a bad sign.  This also means that I'll be on 2ww over Christmas, fantastic!

My two best friends have just had babies, just as I would have been due if my last cycle had worked.  Oh yeah and you remember the colleague's birthday party I went to last month where I drank herbal tea?...turns out she is now pg, even though she was there knocking alcohol back like it was going out of fashion because oops she didn't know she was pg.  She's off sick today because she doesn't want to go to the company Christmas party tonight and answer difficult questions about why she isn't drinking, well welcome to my f***ing world sweetheart, at least you've got a baby to show for it, what have I got? 

I'm sorry, I'm feeling very angry at the moment - please ignore my rant if you're having a bad day too.

LTW - I did 5 cycles at the Lister, and while it didn't work for me, it is a good clinic.  Just let me know if you have any questions.


----------



## kitten77

hi ladies, been trying to do a post for ages but work been mega busy, but just seen waikiki's post and work down and reply at once.

oh hunny, im really sorry you are feeling down, all the meds etc just really take it out of you as well, and plus waiting on someone else for the DE must be killing to. im sure its not a bad sign as everyone responds differently dont they to each cycle. 

its difficult to see babies born knowing if your previous cycles worked (one reason i NEVER figureed out when i would ahve been due on my cycles).  as for the 'normal' people drinking etc,        - it is unfair, we try our best to eat healthy, not drink, not stress etc and bleep all, others catch just like that, once thing i learnt pretty quickly in this IF game is that it is unfair, and other peoples lives carry on when ours seem to be going round and round.  unless people been in this situation, they will NEVER in a million years understand what we have to go through, from the little things to the big things.

i wanna send you massive massive hugs and wish you massive massive good luck for the DE. 

LTW - good that you are looking at different clinics and seeing which one is best for you, like KAT said dont focus on the stats as they pick and choose who they want, you shoudl go with the clinic which feels right for YOU! 

how is everyone else? all ready for christmas? im not, just not into it this year, just doesnt feel like christmas at all, and its only 2 weeks away! 

SEEMSLIKEFOREVER - scan was all good thank you for asking.

ive moved desks at work this week and i have a radiator beside me and one behind me im soooooooooooooooo hot!!!!!


----------



## Nordickat

Waikiki     I'm with you. Life sucks! I am having a particularly bad day too so I can't really offer any words of comfort but at least you know you are not the only one stomping around grumping about how injust life is. And Christmas ....... bah humbug to that!

As for stimming longer, thats not a bad sigh at all I can assure you. Slowlt slowly catchee monkey! You do veyr often get better eggs if they are grown more slowly so put that to the  back of your mind. Sorry you are feeling so rubbish on the drugs but hang in there, if you've got this far you can make it through the next stage too  .

Thinking of you   

 to everyone else. I'm having a real grump about today so I'll come back when I've kicked myself into touch. I am reading the thread but don't really have much to say at the moment I guess. 

Lave as always, 
Katxxx


----------



## JBox

hey waikiki, 

those prednosone made me feel so crappy and i couldnt sleep and had terrible headaches....but its an end to a cause and hopefully it will pay off. 
i know exactly how you feel re all the babies being born around you its especially hard when you are in the middfle of a cycle and feeling crappy. hang  in there hon. i met up with my friends who had her baby 4 months ago and told me mid (DE) cycle that she was pregnant ( after moaning that it had taken her longer than expected- 8 months and how traumatic it was for her!) and i started to feel really jealous that she was able to produce no 3 with hardly any difficulties and that the baby, looks so much like her other two kids and her! i really hope i am going to get over this in the next couple of months. 

Kat - im here hon if you want to talk it out. im sending you big hugs. i think you are feeling rubbish prematurely hon.... 


hugs to everyone else...

x


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Hiya comrades,
My ** yesterday had 2 pg announcements from 'fertiles', just to add to my festive grumpiness.
Waikiki, sorry that you're suffering from the cycle meds. I'm on long-term pred, and if I have to increase my dose for any reason, I'm high as a kite, so sympathise cos I can't offer any solution. 
Kitten, glad all well.
JBox, hope all is progressing well for you too.
Our boiler 'died' yesterday, boilercare man condemned it on sight, even tho the flippin thing has practically been rebuilt with all the new parts it's had, so we have electric heaters & no hot water. I'm happy to 'cope' for a couple of months, but as all the outlaws come to us for christmas, DH is insisting we get it done NOW, perish the thought that his family might get cold    Nice financial advisor is confident we can add a bit to the mortgage to cover it. Sooo tempting to add on loads for lots of cycles but when I get my baby we'll still need somewhere to live  
Betholm, how are you doing?
LTW, good luck with finding a clinic that's right for you - keep an eye on the Lister website from Jan 1st bec each new year they offer free cycles to a certain number of lucky applicants who fulfill the usual criteria for IVF, a few ladies here on FF have been lucky enough to win a place.
Our local newspaper is offering free tickets to Warwick castle over Christmas, have got 3 copies = 3 tickets in case I feel brave enough to take my godchildren, and haven't sunk too far into my pit of woe.


----------



## waikiki

Hello it's me...just tip-toeing back to say that I've calmed down a bit now.    Thanks for understanding ladies, if it weren't for you all I swear I would think I was going mad.

Kitten - glad that your scan went well hun.  Re. the due dates, I agree that your policy of not working it out is probably best, but this time one of the friends who just had her baby had IVF at exactly the same time as I did, so it was impossible not to think about what could have been...

Kat - it does help to know that I'm not the only stroppy knickers (my DH's phrase) not getting into the Christmas spirit, but I'm sorry that you're having a hard time too.    

JBox - luckily no headaches on the prednisolone so far, although I have developed an extra symptom of excessive heartburn over the last 24 hours or so - lovely!  I'm sad to hear that you are still grappling with the DE issue - as much as I am praying that this cycle will work so that I can be pg at the same time as my colleague instead of having to sit seething in the office every day for the next 7 months, I know that even if we do end up being pg together I will always be jealous of the genetic link that she will have with her baby.
It can't be long now until you meet your little one, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that your doubts will melt away when you meet him/her. You deserve complete happiness hun.   

Seemslike4eva - my hat is off to you putting up with prednisolone long term.  When I've been on 25mg in the past I've always felt quite wired, but actually found that I was just super productive.  Now that they've upped me to 40mg I'm buzzing all the time but can feel that underneath it all I'm knackered, but just can't sleep.
And I feel your ** pain - one of my friends who has been married for all of 5 minutes posted a particularly smug status update this week: "(Friend's name) has made a baby with (Wife's name Tagged)" with a picture of the scan.  There were so many congratulatory comments underneath this status update and the only thing I could think to add was "What do you want, a ***ing fertility medal?!"  Luckily I reined myself in before I posted it, like I said, I've had a few anger issues this week!   

Thank you all for being there when I needed you.    

 waikiki


----------



## pinkpixie

hi everyone just to say i am reading just dont feel like posting sending huge    to everyone


----------



## pinkpixie

Hi
Apologies for this post really dont want to offend or upset anyone.  Have been struggling recently am scared of getting left behind on this thread as everyone progresses forward and gets their BFP so have distanced myself.  Have given myself a kick up the    now as realise that by doing that am cutting my nose off to spite myself as you have all been wonderful support.  Have got our app at clinic tomorrow to have inj training as first time had immune treatment and i am shi**ing myself am very scared of starting this process again.  The thought of going through another 2ww and the subsequent dissapointment is sickening.


Wakki glad you feeling bit better 


Kat    hope you are doing ok pm me if you want a chat


Jbox i second what wakki says u deserve to be happy


sl4eva why do household things always go wrong at this time of year??


kitten glad your scan was ok


hi to everyone else
xx
h


----------



## wobs

hi everyone

Waikiki     poor you - feeling rubbish on meds & all that to cope with you.  I do think our hormones go all over the place during cycling - mine are bad enough anyway! 

LTW - had 3 cycles at Lister and thought they were good - just time to move on for us...

Kat   

sl4eva - hope you get boiler sorted!!!  Oh dear...

Pinkpixie  - just try and go with the flow and not think about it too much (as if!!!!).  

Jbox   agree with all the other ladies

Kitten - glad scan good

hi everyone else

1 week left of term for me!  yipppeeee
Hope you all have nice peaceful holiday plans
Wobs


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi everyone

Waikiki – sorry to hear things are tough. How are you getting on today? I have 2 people at work – one who did ivf same time as me at Easter (worked first time for her) so our baby would have been due when hers is and the other one who is due 2 weeks after I would have been had our last cycle worked – I try not to think about it but it’s always there in my mind.  Thanks for the offer of advice on the Lister – if you do feel like sending me a PM about how it went for you there, any particularly good/bad bits that would be great but don’t worry – you’ve got a lot else on at the moment.

Kitten77 – glad your scan was good and thank you too for the advice. I’m hoping I’ll know what feels right after we’ve done our visits.

Jbox – take care of yourself, also agreeing with Waikiki.

Seemslike4eva – I saw something about free cycles at the Lister but it said you had to have had less than 3 cycles before and we’re way past that unfortunately but I’ll have another look in Jan. Hope you’re back with heating and hot water soon x 

Pinkpixie – think there are a few of us feeling the same – dreading being left behind, the overwhelming dread of another tx and another BFN. I hope with all hope that everyone gets the BFPs need so desperately after all the BFNs.

Wobs – hope things are going well at ARGC. 

AFM my resilience continues to be tested! My boss is now very clearly pg, lots of pg and baby talk and I was told ‘you’ll be next’ by someone at work. I also asked to speak to the headmistress at work – her first assumption was that I was gonna tell her I was pg! I know I’m putting on weight but seriously – I wish people wouldn’t be so presumptuous! My ability to smile and carryon is wearing thin.

When I did speak to the head to explain our situation (briefly) she obviously realised her mistake. I asked her for a few days off in term time to check out, CRGH, the Lister and Mr Ramsey – she was great, thankfully, but I did find it horribly stressful. And there were a few comments I could have done without – how important it is not to get stressed because then the tx is more likely to work (when I clearly look stressed) which is basically telling me the way I’m behaving is the worst thing I can do. And a comment about a friend of hers who had done ivf ‘something crazy like 8 times’ – so that makes me crazy too in her eyes (if she knew the truth that is). I’m very careful not to tell people how many times we’ve done it now – even people who’ve done ivf can be very judgemental.

She was generally supportive though and is fine with me taking the days I need - just as I was leaving she told me I’d be a brilliant mum, which unfortunately sent me over the edge into tears! She was then very funny and told me there was no way I could leave her office in tears ‘cause that would make her look terrible! Tissues and lots of talk about Christmas and I was calmed enough to be allowed to leave!

I got my Level 1 results back from my GP last week – he said everything was fine but one immune antibody was high so I need to look into that in particular and check the other results to reassure myself. I find it all very confusing so haven’t done anything yet – going for the stick my head in the sand approach still for the minute! 

Hbkmorris – I took the list of level 1 tests from FF to my GP and he did them all except Thrombophilia screen – lupus anticoagulant and Factor V Leiden.

My GP also showed me a letter from my local clinic to him – it’s made be really mad with the clinic and especially the consultant who wrote it – he told my GP he is concerned about our frustration and anger directed at them because tx has not worked – he just doesn’t get it. We do, of course, feel frustration and anger that tx hasn’t worked but that is not our issue with them – our issue is about how useless and inefficient his clinic is and how many mistakes we have had to put up with, how many appts we have missed because they forgot to tell us about them, how many appts we have taken time off work to attend only to find we don’t have an appt and the letter they sent was a mistake, how many calls we have made to never get a call back – even on test day! In fact they seem so disinterested in our test day results we didn’t tell them it was another BFN once and we never heard from them – we told them after 2 months waiting and expecting them to get in touch! These are the reasons we are frustrated and angry with them!!!!!

Sorry about the rant – now I’ve got that off my chest hopefully I can move on and leave that useless clinic behind! Shame they still have 3 frosties of ours – we’ll not be using them there, that’s for sure.

Love to everyone x x x


----------



## bethholm

Quick one from me-Longtimewaiting-if you want to PM me your immune results I would be more than happy to look at them for you as I've been down the immune route and know quite a bit of info on analysing them and treatment too.

One week to go of Christmas madness with the under 12s...

Much love to you all.Will do more personals later this week.

B x


----------



## lil&#039; one

Hi ladies

May I join you?

We are on a bit of a journey, a few failed
fresh, a few failed frozen, an ectopic plus some life  happening...

Just getting to realization that this may not happen for us and struggling....

Will get up to date with you all asap...

Lil one


----------



## seemedlike4eva

morning all,
hello lil one, I'm fairly new here too, but everyone has been really nice   
LTW, glad your head has been supportive over time off, every little helps, but feel for you during your working day looking at a bump.  With a Lister app, I'm sure there must be couples who are slightly economical with the truth... 
Waikiki,    everything going to plan for the cycle, and you're bearing up.
Pinkpixie, I was nearly sick the first time I had to inject clexane, but it does get better after the first couple.
Got a few quotes for a new boiler, ouch   , but should be able to get it in for Christmas, and the boilercare insurance is giving us £200 towards the cost, nice surprise.


 Beth, Kat, Jbox, Wobs, HBK, Kitten, Charlotte and everyone else who's around x


----------



## kitten77

hi everyone.

LTW, glad your head was ok with the time off and being slightly supportive there, and its always one little comment that does tip you over the edge dont it!!! 

lil one - welcome hun, sorry to see you here but the best bunch of people here for ANY moan, groan, exciting news, or just feel a bit sad, we will never judge - where are you in your journey now?

waikiki - how are you? 

SL4eva - ooooo new boiler, not good and not good just before xmas!!! hope it gets sorted soon.

hello to evyerone else, sorry not many personals, at work and mega busy, just wanna say hello.

hows everyone coping withthe christmas season? was always the worst time for me, and think it will always be, it really makes infertility hit home (not that it dotn at any other point in the year, but i think you know waht i mean), and even though i am blessed with my miricle bump, the IF pain at xmas will never leave me. 

have people got long off over xmas?


----------



## Nordickat

lil one   and welcome. Have we cycled together in the dim and distant past on one of our numerous cycles? I recognise your name. Sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us. 


SL4eva - at least you´ll be warm again by christmas


LTW - I have the same boss issue as you. I was OK with it for as long as it was invisible but now I´m just desperate for her to go on leave becasue its just there all of the time. She is good though and never even mentions it to me and I know I don´t need to pretend to be interested either. I hope having a good cry to the head released some of the pressure and you are feeling a bit lighter after it.


Wobs - not that youare counting down the days til you break up or anything   . I hope you have a lovely relaxing break planned?


Pixie - I suspect a few of us haev gone quiet for just the same reason. I´d love to be able to say we are all going to make it out of here with BFPs but I guess its not true. I hope we don´t get left behind though, just move on to another life and find another form of happiness. PM on its way tomorrow   


Waikiki - I hope your knickers are the right wy around tonight?


JBT - how are you? And how is your mum getting on?


 to the bumps gang


I´m just trying to convince my body it has morning sickness instead of the same stomach bug everyone I work with has   . I feel rubbish so I´m off to bed shortly. I´m sorry for being quiet of late but I´m like pixie and its all a bit scary that soon I´ll probably have to admit defeat and call it a day. I´m not sure I´m brave enough to do it on my own though. Anyway, I´ll try and kick my butt too and come back on here a bit more.


Love as always, Katxxx


----------



## wobs

HI ladies

Kat - I know no PMA allowed but keeping everything crossed for you 

Hi Lil One

Hello everyone else

More personals next week when I have a mo - but by then I might be in middle of ARGC cycle hopefully....my body not quite playing ball at the moment (now there's a surprise!!!) but hopefully I'll be getting started soon.  Might not be that peaceful a Christmas!!! Ho hum....

take care everyone
Wobs


----------



## lil&#039; one

Hello ladies   

Thank you for your welcomes   

Kitten - your story has given me a little Xmas hope   

Nordickat - yes, i think we have cycled together before, hope you're feeling better now   

Wobs - have you started your cycle?

Hi to everyone, i will get up to speed with you all soon   

AFM After 3rd failed fresh cycles, had review yesterday.  Didn't tell me anything thing we didn't already know, stims not quite right - there is a fine line between not enough and too much with my overies   .  I sort of pursuaded them to do hysteroscopy, that'll be a few months down the line, so now we're deciding between that and another fresh cycle or trying a new clinic (Create in SW19).  Hard call   
Had a call from my Mum couple of days ago, and i pretty much let rip   .  Since my 'SIL' had a baby in September, we have vanished off the face of the earth to my family, my Mum is "finding things difficult", what can i say....we're living the dream.  Anyway, she's now sulking, can't cope with having to recover that relationship too, so i guess we'll be estranged for a while   .

Hope you're all ok, ladies

Lil' one


----------



## Nordickat

Well, my journey is over and BFN #9 it is.
Katxxx


----------



## lil&#039; one

Nordickat, words can't help, but we are here...   my heart goes out to you both,  so hard ...


----------



## Hbkmorris

Nordickat

Ohhh Nordickat (Kat) big       to you.. I'm having melt down in a major way with 3 failures let alone with BFN no 9. 

You've been such a tough cookie and I really wish I had the answer for you to say all will be good one day. My heart goes out to you and wonder when I shall have the strength to say No More... I reckon for me it's not long away as we just don't have the funds to continue on and in the eyes of my DP "we've tried".. not really helpful.

Anyhow all I can say is take care & may I hope that a christmas wish comes true for you one day xx


----------



## kitten77

kat -....... im so sorry to hear that, shed little tear for you, why is it so unfair! you are such a strong women, you take time you need to handle this, big massive hugs to you and always here when you need us. always. x


----------



## Mrs Rock

Kat, am so sorry. I know there is nothing I can say that will help.  But am thinking of you as always


----------



## waikiki

Kat, I am so, so sorry hun.     I am also sorry that words are so inadequate at a time like this, I wish there was something that I could say or do to stop the pain.

No cheering news from me either I'm afraid, the clinic just called to tell me that they have cancelled my cycle as the donor still hasn't responded.  Not sure if I'm relieved that it's all over before Christmas or devastated that after 9 months of planning I have to face another Christmas and New Year without hope.  Just sitting here trying not to burst into tears in the middle of the office.

It's not a good day for us today.


----------



## pinkpixie

kat there is nothing to say but i am so so sorry


----------



## kitten77

waikiki - sorry to hear your news that donor has been cancelled. what a bum. will you be going again with her? xmas is a hard time of year, so thinking of you babes. x


----------



## longtimewaiting

Oh Kat, that's dreadful news, I was wishing with all hope imaginable that #9 would be the one for you. You have put everything into this and life is so damn unfair, how dare it let you down like this. I know how much you must be hurting, thinking of you lots xxx

Waikiki - horrible horrible news for you too xxx

Really feeling for you both xxx


----------



## honeyz

Kat I really do feel for you hun!
I am exactly in the same place. Last and final ivf failed and to add insult to injury it was at the argc, where everyone seems to get pregnant
thinkin of u hun ur are so strong.


----------



## Nordickat

honeyz - thanks and    to you too. Its even harder when you think you´ve found the answer (like changing to argc) and still get a BFN. 


Waikiki - I´m so sorry for you too  . I´ll pm you later, I´m just waiting for it to get a bit darker so I can stomp around the woods with my pooch and cry to my hearts content with nobody seeing.


My day got even worse after my BFN so I came home ´sick´and have no plans to be well enough to go to work before Monday. The world is full of such twonks .........flippin fertile ones at that  


Thanks for all your kind words and special thanks to JBox, my rock   .


 Katxxx


----------



## coweyes

Nordickat  I am so so sorry i really am.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## bethholm

Kat - so so very sorry. It hurts like a b***** .No words off me will make it better, but my heart goes out to you having been there myself so many times. Thinking of you.     

Waikki- What an absolute a***. So sorry too as Christmas is an especially hard time of year.      

Love to all.

B x


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Kat   
Waikiki   
  for both of you, with everyone else here, had so been wanting you both to have your dreams come true.
xx


----------



## billabong

Nordikat-    so sorry for your pain, it is just not fair, sorry


----------



## Winegum

Oh Kat, I'm so sorry.  Thinking of you and sending big hugs.


----------



## wobs

Kat - so so so sorry to hear your news   .  Life is so unfair sometimes. No words     

Waikiki - sorry to hear your cycle is cancelled.    Hope you are able to chill out over Christmas   

Wobs


----------



## bethholm

On here for a moan so apologies but I know that this thread still feels like home and I know that of all the threads on here, you can hopefully understand why. It is funny in a weird way how quite justifiably sensitivity never leaves you,even in the early days of a BFP.

DH wants to borrow my car so that his daughter,her newborn (who I still can't being myself to see as it upsets me so)his son and girlfriend can fit in when he picks them up on Boxing Day.I'm being forced to go and stay with my parents as I still can't face the baby plus,wait til you hear this ladies, DH says that I have to now 'earn it' to see his grandaughter! His car is typically too small. When his daughter came up last time she stayed with the baby in the study which upset me as it was always going to be our nursery & ours as the first baby that slept there.When I had to get a car in August due to my new job, I got a 5 door car in case we had a baby & now the first baby in it might be hers.I'm tired of losing all the firsts when there are so little firsts to have such as first daughter first son (DH had these 17 years ago so I'll never give him these) and now first new baby in ages in the family.Constantly feel I'm coming in second every time & being pipped to the post.It upset me that there was a baby in my house the other week and (I even couldn't phone home in case I heard it in the background) & now feel that even my car is being invaded.
Sorry for the moan ladies- you hold these sensitive feelings for so long that it takes time to let them naturally go away.DH is currently sulking in the bath.Typical male walking away from an argument!

B x


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Beth,
I 'get' everything you said. Moan away, of course you want YOUR baby to be first. I'm sure, in fact I know, my sentiments would be exactly the same. 
Men!
Wishing everyone as good a week as possible, my to-do list is rammed full of stuff that isn't Christmas related, just hope I manage to get through it all by 5pm when everywhere 'official' shuts


----------



## coweyes

Bethholm

This kind of rhing happened to me! My brother was at home and we were goIng on a trip to the beach he decided to get a lift with me and not my mom at the last minute. Before I know it he had put his sons baby seat it and the son was sat in it. He then moaned at my dogs jumpIng up!!!! I did  not say anything but it sad make me feel sad.

The whole thing about being first, is not something I think àbout any more! The only thing I think about is if I am going to get there! Stay focused, forget about being first as when your baby arrives none of that will matter. X x


----------



## kitten77

beth

totally understand where you are coming from, and the 'annoyance' that just builds up and up and up inside you just frustrates you even more.  and people will think you are over reacting, when its not its YOUR feelings, and you wanted to be the first in your car etc, totally understand where you are coming from and how others do not 'get it'.....and they wont im afraid. 

like coweyes all the firsts have gone from my life too, so nothing that bothers me anymore, just think of your baby and how the tiem you have with them will be perfect it dont matter who was in your car first (and i know it dont help just now) but it wont matter, and think of all the 'firsts' you have with your baby, between you and baby. 

like you , been so long in this world that you will always be a changed person, always hold the pain of infertility with you (i know i do), but deep breaths, maybe talk to dh about your concerns? will he understand even a little?


----------



## pinkpixie

beth    i think we can all understand when you loose the "firsts" hope you can find a way through this.


Sorry for another down post but i am realy strugglin my drugs arrived on sat and ever since then have felt as though i am in a state of panic really dont know how i will do this again am so scared just the thought of going through it all scares me witless.  I just dont think i am strong enough to deal with it all


----------



## kitten77

pixie - deep breath babe.  you CAN do this again and you WILL do it again, your having a wobble as you know what is to come ie, side effects etc. try to think positive (i know i know no PMA allowed!!!  ) - but i mean as in each injection etc a closwer step. massive hugs.


----------



## Nordickat

Beth - I think you need to focus on what is important here and that is that you and DH are having a baby together. There is a first in itself. Hopefully when your baby arrives you won't care at all whether its first or last, but for now, don't let fretting about it spoil what should be a wonderful time. The only first I am going to achieve is the first not to have a baby and I'd give my right arm to be having any baby with DH, be it his 1st or his 10th, but sadly that isn't ever going to happen. Concentrate on the fact that you are having your first baby together and I'm quite sure your DH hasn't put a number on it and it will be equally important as all the other children in his life. Enjoy every second of this journey and don't let anyone spoil it for you.

Pixie - Hang in there. You can do this. It really is no bigger deal than last time and you got through that OK. This is the closest you have ever been to being a mum so go for it and who knows what will happen   . 

Love to the rest of you, not really into posting right now, sorry  . It turns out that coming to terms with never being a mum is not as easy as all that. It hurts like crazy and really, how do you find a way forwards from here? And jeez do I really really hate this 'festive' season. I don't think Christmas is the best time to try and move on.

 Katxxx


----------



## bethholm

Kat- so sorry if I upset you or was being insensitive.


----------



## wobs

Kat- big hugs coming your way     

Wobs


----------



## Nordickat

Beth - I'm upset purely because I'm at the end of the road and not because of what you said. I just think its sad that you are not enjoying every second of your dream because I know that as soon as your little one arrives you will completely forget about it being first in the car and the nursery. All that will be important is the fact that finally, after all these years, your baby will be in the car and it will be in the nursery


----------



## longtimewaiting

Hi Nordickat - how are you coping? Guess Christmas is just a time to get through when things are so rubbish.

Hi Pinkpixie - how are you feeling about it all now? Feeling for you - also feeling very scared! 

I had been feeling positive and hopeful but it's turning to panic and terror. Can it really work for us after so many failed cycles - feeling terrified about the expense and stress of travelling to London, getting another BFN and not coping. And we're no where near starting tx yet.

I'm fed up of this rubbish journey!

Hope everyone else here is surviving ok   to you all x x x


----------



## pinkpixie

Hi everyone just wanted to wish everyone a good christmas and sending everyone lots of    
xx
hannah


----------



## kitten77

Happy Christmas to all of you, I know how hard this time of year can be, hope you all ok and take care, massive hugs to each and everyone of you my buddies x x


----------



## lil&#039; one

Happy Xmas you wonderful, strong ladies

Lil one


----------



## mumtomadkids

vw22 said:


> Wow I just pop on for a catch up and see winegum's message. Totally fantastic!!! Really pleased for you! vx
> 
> I try and keep up as much as possible but won't lie and pretend I remember everything! You are all going through ups and downs I know. There are some real success stories here which are richly deserved and some self indulgence (not pity) which I also think is also richly deserved. Sorry I can't be more involved but I am following and hoping like mad everyones dreams come true.
> 
> S news. We were about to go for transfer this weekend and the surrogates boyfriend ended up in jail and then the doc found out the egg donor was lying. She had had two cycles with another agency in the last 2 months and had no eggs. AND had a sexual disease as my husband calls it..chlamidia! So it was one nightmare after another. All that contract stuff you pay an arm and a leg for and still you have no control. I am more stressed than doing IVF.
> 
> Anyway will keep you updated when something good happens. Hoping no one here ever ends up at this stage. Even if you think you are going to, have one more go at ivf if you can bear it.
> 
> Love to all, (I really mean it too) and sorry to be so transient.
> 
> vx


Hi VW iv just seen your post and was very concerned about it.Im a surrogate i just dont get why your clinic didnt screan the surrogate and donor also didnt the clinic do a CRB on the surrogate and her partner?
Sorry to ask tell me to mind my own its fine.
Iv noticed you are going to try usa you know there are good places in the uk SUK is very nice and all there surrogates are fully screaned and have CRB's before they can even join.
I wish you all the best for 2012 xxx


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Just dropping by to check that everyone's OK, or if not OK, that you're coping.....  
I've managed to miss out a lot of the 'festive cheer' cos I've had a mega chest infection, narrowly avoided hospital, and basically spent a lot of time alone in bed while the outlaws ran amok downstairs.. so it hasn't been too bad. Yep, being ill was quite a blessing.
Thinking of you all,    too x


----------



## bristolian

Hello hope you don't mind me posting, new to this forum but just had another BFN... I knew it would happen so should be ok but still taken it hard, it doesn't get easier.

Beth you must be so happy and it does give me hope to hear stories like yours. Don't worry about car etc, will go from your mind completely when you hold your baby, i'm sure.

To the other ladies, I am struggling with whether to carry on on this journey... Been ttc over 4 yrs, now 2 failed ivf cycles, just wondering if I have the emotional (not to mention financial) resources to cope with more tx.

How do you know when to call it a day And how do you cope with multiple 'failures'. Feel like I'm letting everyone down, they expect you to deliver happy news but sometimes it's just not possible


----------



## wobs

Hi ladies

Hope you all had a peaceful & relaxing Christmas.
Seemslike4eva - sorry you've been poorly.  Hope you feel better soon.

Hi Bristolian - sorry to see you joining us   .
There are no easy answers as to when to stop - I think you will know when it is the right time.  For us on each cycle we have learnt something new/found something out and progressed....I suspect maybe part of it depends on what the diagnosis is?  Hopefully your clinic can give you some answers at your follow up.  I know for us we said we could have 3-4 cycles when we began this journey....Now we're embarking on our 7th (we didn't get to transfer on 2 occasions so does that count??)...and feel slightly mad!! But for us we have one last shot in us.  
Re: coping with failures - I think we are all different.  Sadly now I expect failure - though I don't think really that is the answer    Have you tried counselling - I think most clinics offer free counselling and other FF'ers have found it v helpful I think...  All I can say is give yourself time to get over the BFN- it is a grieving process and you have to allow yourself to feel sad.  That said I have also always found keeping busy a good thing too.

Hi to everyone else.   to those who need them

Wobs


----------



## bethholm

Dream over.Back home on here girls.We went for our 11 + 3 scan today and we were told that I've had another rare missed miscarriage plus it is also unusual after getting a strong heartbeat on the last scan.

I am booked in for yet another ERPC this morning, the day before my last baby was due.
My heart is breaking.

B x


----------



## Greeniebop is a mummy

I am so sorry Beth. I know there is nothing we can say but my thoughts are with you xxx


----------



## wobs

Bethholm     .  So sad to read your post.   
Hope your physical recovery is speedy.  I know the emotional recovery will take longer, but you are strong.  Take time for yourselves.
So sorry for you

Wobs


----------



## coweyes

Beth I am sorry to hear that the scan did not go well. Thinking of u c x x


----------



## bethholm

Just back from theatre.To add insult to injury,the theatre nurse actually injected the embryo with formaldehyde by accident despite telling them 4 separate times that we urgently needed the embryo to be tested (a little bit too much information to be told this within 10 mins of waking up as to what they've done to your baby) so no sample can be sent off.The consultant said that as DH and I tested ok for chromosomes,she said that the baby probably died due to a chromosome problem.Well this wasn't the bloody case last time as the last MMC tests showed that the baby was ok and nothing wrong with it.Furious.

B x


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Oh Beth     , I am so sorry to see your news. Huge   to you, and want to     the hospital staff


Bristolian, hello & welcome. I guess DH & I are nearing the end of the treatment road, I knew before we got married that he had azospermia, so it's always been there, the possibility of never having children, but there's still a tiny part of me that won't give up just yet.


----------



## honeyz

OHH Bethholm!


Im am soo sorry to hear ur news sweet heart..  
Cant imagine how ur feeling..
keep strong, even tho I know its the hardest thing ever..


----------



## kitten77

I'm so sorry to hear your very sad news, and then to have more heartache after surgery. I'm really sorry, I know nothing we can say. Massive hugs. X


----------



## Sweetnats

Beth

I am so so sorry to read this crap news. What a nightmare to go through all you have and then have to deal with the incompetence of the hospital. 

My thoughts are with you at this awful time

Nats x


----------



## lil&#039; one

Beth,
I am so sorry,
Take the time to feel what you need to....support will always be here.
I'm not feeling well, no proper post,
Just jumped on to send a  .
Lil' one


----------



## Janey E

Hi there B

Nothing I can say that will make you feel better but didnt want to read and leave this post without sending you a message. So I am sending you a hug   to let you know that  you are in my thoughts.  I hope you can get throught this awful time for you.

Janey
xx


----------



## waikiki

Beth, words fail me...    

I can't believe that such an awful thing can happen, especially after you have already been through so much.  I wish there was something that I could say or do to make this bearable for you, but please know that you are in my thoughts.  And we are all here to offer any support that we can.

 waikiki


----------



## bethholm

Thanks again for all the wonderful comments. Still feeling numb from the procedure.  As I had to wait 5 hours to go to theatre, by the time I was called up, the pessaries had worked and I had started to miscarry. This was very distressing as both my miscarriages were without bleeding and as I had inserted the pessaries, psychologically I felt that I had killed my baby. We are also looking into writing a formal complaint to the hospital re the mistake made with the embryo as we have just calculated that we had actually asked 5 people at the hospital and it was written down in my notes. The surgeon had also said that he too would look at a sample of tissue to see what he could find. Vital information wasted.

Up in the anaesthetic room wasn't much fun either, with Christmas music blasting away and then one of the nurses asking what I was doing for the New Year after this. I was also asked after the procedure by 2 separate people if I had considered adoption. Words fail me.


Peny at Serum has emailed me several times this evening as she can't believe our news. It just shows what a big heart she has. We are phoning her on Monday and hope to cycle (although heaven knows how we can raise the cash in time!) with her at Easter.


Currently having a few G & Ts to numb the numbness.


B x


----------



## JBox

My god Beth I just don't know how I missed ur original post. I am so so so so so sorry and am just totally gutted for you.when did this all happen? How u doing now? How's dh? Is he getting it and supporting you? I hope ur taking some time for u and staying away from all those who don't make u feel good. And I hope u can chill a bit before jumping straight back to work after the hols. Sh*t i am devestated for u - having had 3 mcs I know how upsetting it is especially after treatments.
Bae please pm me if u wanna talk rant or just cry. I am sending u huge hugs and praying that 2012 is just going to be urs and everyone elses year.its enough now and all u wonderful women deserve so much more.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Rosa1939

Hello everyone, 

Can I join you please? I have just had my 6th ICSI BFN this week and am feeling very low, (not sure how to update my signature, can someone point me in the right direction?).  

I am 35, my husband too, we've been trying to conceive for 5.5 years and have male factor issues that we are aware of (94% poor morphology altho a high count), although I am starting to think there must be other issues, probably with me, that the docs have not spotted yet (I have had all the usual basic blood tests, tubes checked, hysterscopy etc - all good).  

Anyway, i think I need some support as it is getting harder and harder to pick myself up after each failure, i have read through this post and have seen that you have all been through the ringer with this too, my heart goes out to everyone on here and hope i can offer some support as well as get some comfort. 

R x


----------



## lil&#039; one

Oh Beth, it just gets harder  , I would encourage you to write a formal complaint, if nothing else it may help you to move on....

Rosa   welcome, it is so hard to keep going with this journey.

I hope the new year turns things around for us all  

Afm, we have a first appt at a new clinic on 13th jan, so I am hopeful for a better year, will have a couple of drinkies tonight to bid this one farewell, or similar . 

Sending so much   to you all for a better year  

Lil one


----------



## Janey E

Hi Rosa

Welcome to FF  There are loads of lovely ladies on here going through the same or similar.  Everyone supports each other and is it such a help and comfort.  I always thought I could manage on my own without the support of other people but I think I would be in a much worse place if it hadn;t been for FF. 

To edit your signature go to profile, then modify profile then forum profile, then enter your text under signature.

So sorry you have  had 6 failed ICSI's.  It is so hard to pick yourself up and keep going but if you have been through it 6 times then you must be one strong lady.  I dont know your whole background but have you thought about speaking to yout clinic or even changing clinics? Do you have a rest between cycles? maybe you need some time out with you husband? It is hard for them too and they often suffer silently,as we know they are not as good as expressing their emotions as us ladies!

Good Luck and keep going.  You will find the help and support on here helps you along the way no end!

Luv Janey
xxxxxxx


----------



## wobs

Betholm - so sorry to read about the hospital!!!!! Not what you need on top of everything else!! Can't believe it.  Take care   

hi Rosa- sorry you are joining us.
We've had 6 attempts too.  What is IVF Lite in your profile?  Presumably minimal stimming?
We too thought we were MF, but now it seems there are issues with me too.  
Have you seen a urologist for your husband?  We found that useful and if he has a count above 1 mil there are tests they can do - dna fragmentation and anaploidy.  If you want details of one I can pm you.
Have you stayed at the same clinic for all 6?  Are you happy with them?
What do you think about immunes? I am a total immunes sceptic but have just started on our 7th ICSI with a new clinic.  They found immunes issues with me that could stop the embryo implanting.  Do I believe it? I'm not sure.  But I don't want to look back in 5 years and say I wish we'd tried that.  This way I know we've done everything we can and then can stop knowing that we tried everything we could.

hi to everyone else
Wobs


----------



## Nordickat

beth. i am so so sorry for your news. your baby was obviuosy far too precious for this cruel world. tinking of you and hoping your heart heals. complaim for sure but allow yourselves time to grieve for your loss first. cry and mourn a little before you take on a fight. lotd of love to you both xxx


bristol. you know when its time to stop tx. if you are questioning whether it is or isnt, then you are not ready to stop. i am ready to stop and i know i am because i dont ask 'what if' anymore. does that make sense? it doesnt mean i am not utterly devastated by my decision but i do know its the right choice how ever much it hurts.


rosa. welcome to our sad family. i hope we can help you through this horid journey.


on my kindle so writing is hard so will leave it there. lotsoif love to you all and hoping tonight allows us some closure on tghe crap of 2011.


special hugs again for beth xxx


----------



## JBox

Kat where u been?

Missed u

Happy new year xxxx


----------



## Nordickat

just keeping a low profile jbox. finding moving on very hard and strugglig to work out where i fit in the world any more. that and not in the mood for festivities.


----------



## Rosa1939

Hello everyone, thanks very much for the kind welcome!

i just typed a long post which has just dissapeared, not sure what i have done but it may pop up somewhere very random so apologies if it does!

Wobs, yes IVF Lite is just minimal stimulation, you start on a natural cycle, baseline scan on day 2/3, if all good, than you start 5 days of clomid and then go back for scan and then start either (in my case) Gonal F or Menopur on a low doseage, then collect as normal when follicles are ready.  There is no downregulation period, so less drugs and, for me, no difference in the outcome; in my standard long protocol cycles I would get between 18 and 22 eggs, but many would not make it to day 3 and i have only ever transfered 2 embryos of decent quality (never top quality), the rest either stop dividing or are just too poor quality.  With the IVF Lite, i get less eggs (they aim for 3/5 and i usually get around 9/10) and still only ever manage to transfer 2 decent embryos, none left over to freeze and always on day 3.  So its less money, less drugs and end result seems to be the same and so the chance of it working (or not!).

As for immunes, i am like you, skeptical, but after 6 goes and no real reason as to why its not taking, then i am going to go for it on our next cycle.  I will also ask about sperm DNA fragmentation and IMSI for husband and full immunes for me, although how would it change treatment?  Would i have to take more drugs?  I have heard of ladies having blood transfusion type treatment and i think i would draw the line there! Where are you having your 7th cycle?  Have you started it already? is it a new clinic? I wish you very very good luck with that.

Janey, thanks for help with signature, i did eventually manage to figure it out! 

Yes, i have breaks between treatment, usually 2 per year, but after this failed treatment i want to start in Feb/March (if they let me) with a new clinic, i loved our old one but i think we need a fresh approach and some different treatment so although sad to be leaving them, we have no choice really.  Thinking of CRM, ARGC (but VERY expensive so probably not) and UCH.  i am getting panicky and starting to think they will never work for us, quite negative really but i just can't muster the positive attitude at the moment.  Where do you have your treatment? 

I'm sorry we are all here in the same boat but i am glad to have found a group of people who do understand exactly how i feel.  Just sorry we all have to be here at all.

As i said in my earlier missing post(!) i will be staying in this evening as i don't feel like celebrating anything but i do wish everyone a nice evening with loved ones and hope that 2012 will bring us all some peace and happiness. 

Rx


----------



## bethholm

Jbox- will PM you over the weekend. Thanks for your support as ever.  

Rosa - I echo the warm welcome to the sad, but wonderfully supportive family here.   I am so sorry to hear that you have had 6 cycles like we have too. It doesn't get any easier does it! I went to Norway for 5 of my cycles and Lister and for cycle 7 we are off to the wonderful Peny at Serum in Greece.

Kat- wonderful as ever to hear from you. So sad that you are feeling down. Wish I could give you a big hug     from a fellow (albeit very far back in my family tree) fellow Norwegian. 

'Lil one- good luck at your next consultation.    Not long now.


Wobs- thanks also for being there, fellow six cycle girl!  


AFM- Had another complete cry in the car to the supermarket today (to buy much needed tonic for the much needed gin) when DH laughed at a comment on the radio. I asked him how could he laugh when I was so heartbroken as there was nothing in the world to laugh at. Being the kind of man he is, he hasn't cried over this (hard Glaswegians for you!) but he came close to it when he was talking to his mum on the phone today. He is totally gutted by this all but doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve like I do (or have raging hormones still and a pregnancy bump.) We are in the process of writing a formal letter of complaint to the hospital as DH was furious that they deliberately told me about what they termed 'an accident' only 10 minutes after I had come round after the procedure and on my own as DH was downstairs. We are also praising the fantastic staff who were brilliant with me, but something needs to be said as it is negligence. What if my notes had said I was allergic to something and they hadn't read that?

Like everyone else, we are not celebrating tonight. If anything, after losing my dearest cousin, 2 ERPCs and losing 2 babies within 8 months together with 2 difficult IVF cycles each resulting in only 1 viable embie, financial ruin due to IF treatment and immunes, aquascan, hysteroscopy and DH's DD having a baby due to a one night Christmas sh*g, it certainly has been a b**** of a year.

As Rosa said, let us hope that in 2012 we all find some peace and happiness.

Love to our very special family on here.

B x


----------



## Hbkmorris

Hi guys so for no personals but I just want to contact Beth 

My dear friend as I've read your news I've cried non stop. Since my bfn I've not been on ff much but after reading your news I've had to write you a note.

My thoughts are with you and I to share your feelings to 2011.. Words can't express what your feeling until you've gone through it but I feel for you along with everyone else whom has had such a terrible selifh 2011. 

I wish I see into the future and say that next year will be better but I just don't feel it at the moment if I was honest. 

I'm off to sleeps early tonight as I can't share in any celebration.. I feel to down and depressed to raise a glass so I shall just say.. God bless to you all and please god give strength to those whom are very much in need tonight xx


----------



## Rosa1939

hello all,

Beth, i am very very sorry to hear of your recent loss, there are no words really, but i wish you every success for your future cycle.  Keep going and stay strong.  I have heard so many good things about Penny at Serum. 

God bless. 
Rx


----------



## seemedlike4eva

and plenty of   prescribed tonight.
It's a quiet night in - had some friends round for a chippy supper, because the wife has just lost her mum, they have no kids and she's an only child, so tough times for them too.
Hbk, sorry about your result hun.
Beth, wishing there was some way we could turn back the clock and put things right, 
Got whole tribe of outlaws coming tomorrow, so may end up drinking myself into oblivion in 24 hours time, as have got to be 'with it' enough to cook a huge gammon.....
Farewell 2011, Please, please let 2012 bring better days for all of us


----------



## wobs

HBK - v sad to see your result     take care

Just popping on to say here's to a better 2012 for everyone   

take care
Wobs


----------



## pinkpixie

beth am so sorry


----------



## Nordickat

Just passing through and wanted to drop in    for you all. I really hope this year is better than the last for all of us.


Beth -   I can only imagine how the last few days have been for you. You are still in my thoughts.


Love to you all, Katxxx


----------



## ANGELA29A

bookmarking.x


----------



## seemedlike4eva

hope everyone is doing OK. My house is in chaos as DH is putting in a new kitchen...doing it himself, planning to work through the night. Don't feel sorry for our neighbours on any account cos they have frequently kept us awake. A friends mum died, so we have had her expensive units, swapped them for our inferior quality, but still fairly new units before the house goes. We are still without a boiler, but coping with heaters.
Managed not to have an emotional meltdown thus far, weighing in at fat club on thursday may just tip me over the edge tho when I see how much I've gained


----------



## bethholm

Thanks for all the well wishes ladies. Means a lot as stuggling at the moment especially as Peny said it was rare to miscarry after such a good heartbeat and sizing. She thinks it was either a clotting problem and I need 2 x 40mg clexane 2 x day and/or a LAD flare so I need my levels rechecked, but heaven knows where we are going to get the money from for that as we are broker than broke. 

We have just found out that the hospital will be burying the baby in a mass grave with all the other babies and I presume abortions that died that month at the local council cemetry. We only found this out by chance as I happened to read the miscarriage leaflet that the hospital dispatched me with on the day plus the protocol had changed from when I had an ERPC in May- then they cremated the 'products.' I feel very strongly about this (although we do appreciate that there are some people who will be ok with this  ) as we feel that a mass grave sounds a bit like Auschwitz (both our images) and that I don't want it to go from the warmth of my womb into the cold ground.  I also can't face the idea of having our baby, that we didn't know was a girl or a boy, buried somewhere. We will never forget it even if it isn't buried. Anyway, the hospital has told us that we have to contact a funeral directors if we wish to have it cremated as the hospital (even though it was only around 9 weeks old when it died) can't do it. Some funeral companies will do miscarriages for free, but being quite a religious person, I would want a blessing said over him or her if they had to be cremated. It's just so heartbreaking to go through another MMC and another ERPC and deal with this.  

B x


----------



## seemedlike4eva

Beth. I do hope you're able to sort out your baby's funeral arrangements x


----------



## Shellebell

new home this way
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=278544.0


----------

