# When did the longing for biological baby go away?



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello 
DH and I have come to the stage where adoption is no longer second choice. We think we would be just as happy adopting children as having our own and therefore that the right thing to di would be to adopt. Also we have suffered infertility so ivf might not work anyway. 
But I have a niggling worry. I have friends who are ttc and I'm dreading them getting pregnant and sharing their news. I feel as though I'll be bitterly jealous of them and I'm worried as feel like a bad person for feeling this way. 
We suffered pregnancy losses at 12 weeks and then at 17 weeks and I still grieve for the 17 week loss very much indeed. I don't know if this is the reason why I'm so worried about others' pregnancies or whether it's because of infertility, or both. 
Anyway if nobody else I knew was likely to get pregnant in my circle of friends I would have absolutely no doubt that adoption is right for us. However I know that's unrealistic but can't work out why it should worry me so much. It's holding me back and I'm tempted to try ivf again to try and get rid if those feelings. But I feel like I'd really like to give a needy child / children a home and make something positive out of this grief. DH is really keen to adopt but is concerned in case my longing for a biological baby haunts us down the line so has more or less said its my decision and he will go whichever way. 
So what I'm really trying to ask is did the longing for baby and negative feelings towards pregnant ladies go away once you got your adopted children home? 
I'd really appreciate your experience on this. Sorry for long post. 
Xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think that's a really hard question to answer because it's different for everyone.  I know a number of people who do still try to conceive after having adopted children, and do still hope for a biological child, however much they love their adopted children.

For me, I think in some ways the answer is it doesn't, exactly, go away.  It just changed.

I don't long to have a biological child any more,  but I do still resent what my daughter and we missed out on in terms of her early life, and being able to protect, love and care for her when she needed it the most.  I don't wish she was a biological child, I don't want her to have my genes, in fact a lot of the things I love most about her personality would almost certainly never have come from myself or my husband if we'd been able to carry to term.  I just wish she'd been ours all along.  I realise that may seem contradictory, but to me it's not.

I can still feel a huge amount of resentment towards pregnant women and women with new babies.  I've really struggled with women who have children the same age as our daughter's biological brother, who we had always anticipated adopting, seeing them go through their pregnancies and have their babies, and listening to all the associated grumbles, and seeing everything we are missing out on, and knowing what the effect of our future son's start in life could have on him in the longer term.  I still find it incredibly hard seeing everyone else take for granted something that we can never have, and that our children can never have.  

I love my daughter more than I think most people could imagine, and it makes me furious that I can never undo any of the things that happened in her life before she came to us, particularly how badly her foster carer and social worker let her down.  

But life moves on, and we deal with it.

I think the resentment and anger and longing doesn't come because I don't have something I want, but because I can't protect my children from things that have already happened, and sometimes, however much I rationally know that there is nothing I can do about that, it does still feel like somehow I have failed them.

I also lost babies, one fairly late on, when we really had started to believe everything was going to work out, and it's hard to move on from that, but in some ways adopting does make that easier.  I still miss the babies I lost, but if any of my pregnancies had gone to full term, I wouldn't have my daughter, even if we'd later gone on to adopt, just because of her age and their ages.  My daughter was born on the day our last lot of IVF/ICSI ended with another miscarriage so in fact that last child would have been younger than she is.  

I wouldn't change anything now if I could.  Our family is not perfect, and it's certainly hard work, but it's our family.  

I don't know if that answers your question, actually.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.


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## Jenifers (Aug 26, 2010)

Hiya, I have a biological son and after 5 years of trying again after we had him we were told we could not have anymore children naturally. We are now only a few weeks off from having our new child join our family and we are thrilled. I still get a pang in my tummy whenever a friend announced their pregnancy, I still find it tough when I am told by friends how fertile they are their partners are and get angry when I am told 'Oh I know how you feel, we tried for 4 months for our little one'! I don't believe this means that adoption is not right for us or that we have not 'got over' not being able to conceive naturally again, it just means we are human and that life deals out some rubbish cards sometimes and no matter what we do, how many biological children and adopted children or pets we have, something has still been taken away from us and it hurts like mad xxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi EB,

This is definitely one of those questions that each answer is unique.

For me, I had stopped feeling jealous of pregnant women by the time if our last ICSI as I know not every successful pregnancy was easy to get. Doesn't stop me getting annoyed when I hear of cases/news etc about women bring pg but didn't realise how blessed they should be. I too lost pregnancies early on and still think/grieve for those. 

The only time my old negative thoughts about pregnancies everywhere and babies was when we had a longish wait from approval. But I was in a quite dark mood for a few months anyway.

But since being linked to our little man, I now don't wish for a pregnancy but like Wxyie I miss those early months for my little boy (and we've had lots of baby stages). I have a few family members had/due babies and honestly don't want to be in there shoes. I'm truly happy with my little family and how we got there.

HTH x x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks so much for replying ladies. I really appreciate your honest responses. 
To be honest I think I'll always feel my losses, even if I were to get pregnant again it won't take them away. 
The most important thing is to have a family and adoption seems like the most wonderful and worthwhile way for us to achieve this. And the thought of risking another loss is too much for me to bear. 
Best wishes to you and your lovely families 
Xxxxx


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

For me...as soon as we were linked, we were linked to a baby an a toddler  x


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

I still get excited every month if I'm late even after 12 years of natural trying with no positive pregnancy results and this hasn't changed since we adopted but I feel less angry/hurt/jealous etc when friends and family tell me they re expecting which is a big change since our son came home. Guess its different for all circumstances x

Have you tried grief counselling? We had that after we MC on our last round of treatment and it helped me loads and the SWs loved it and allowed us to start after a month rather than the usual 6 month wait

X


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

It is so different for everyone.  I have never longed for a biological child, whilst I would have been happy if we had got pregnant I was also equally happy to think of us continuing our nice life or adopting and making a family that way.

Now that we are linked I am 100% sure that I do not want to get pregnant and do not want to endanger this link. I've also never, ever envied pregnant women.  A friend of mine thinks I'm strange, she loved being pregnant and giving birth, keeps telling me it was the most amazing thing ever but I've never thought that way.  There are so many children needing homes, the world is over populated, why keep having more? (Don't get me wrong, if you can afford to have bio children I don't think you shouldn't, it's personal choice and I understand that some women feel the need overwhelmingly).

I do kind of wish I could have breast fed a baby, just to experience it and to give a child that best start in life, and I wish I could have had that bonding time which I'll never get with this little Bluebird, but I'm just not a baby person...   

I think you can see from the replies, only you can know when the time is right to move on from TTC and think of adoption as a viable option to build your family, good luck whatever you decide! xxx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

when we were first looking into adoption,I remember talking to a fantastic, inspirational adoptive mum of 7yrs +,  in the middle of the conversation she dropped in "it's not a magic wand. It doesn't make it all go away". That to me was like a lightening bolt moment. Up until that moment I doubted it was the right thing because I was still feeling those feelings you have in the pit of your stomach, in the depths of your heart. But then I realised thats ok. Don't get me wrong, I know 100% that we have done the right thing. The relief I felt when we stopped treatment was immeasurableand I can honestly say I feel very sad when I hear of people going through treatment. I feel privileged to be ale to adopt because I know plenty of people don't have it in there hearts and they would miss the wonderfuls things that have happened to us through this .BUT I do till feel bitter that I wasn't the first to hold my lo, I didn't see him cut his first tooth, I didn't feel him kick inside me, I couldn't breast feed him. I do till feel tht pang of jealousy when I here someone's pregnant but I will never try for a baby again. Sounds contradictory I know. 

Perhaps those feelings fade with time, perhaps they don't. But despite feeling all such things I have never felt so sure about something in my life xx


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

I agree with Flash completely. I have to say that I still often feel jealous of pregnant women and find tiny babies painful, but I'm also horrified by the thought that if I had become pregnant I wouldn't have my beautiful fabulous little boy. I feel more pain that it wasn't me that carried our boy, that I didn't see him as a newborn and that I missed the first year of his life. Also I do get a little jittery every month in case I am pregnant, because I feel that I've chosen this path now. So what I'm trying to say is  I have lots of contradictory feelings  . BUT having my little boy has been the best decision of my life. It has taken away lots of the pain and I do feel complete. Wishing you lots of luck. X


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

for me the longing never left me. 


4 years after our lovely boys came, our bio baby was born. 


i am still broody! 


adoption is so different to having a bio baby - adoption fills the needs for the child, it is not meant to satisfy the needs of the parent. 


many wonderful adoptive parents are fulfilled through adoption, but not every person is. 


ritz


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

BIG question here so I will try to answer it coherently.....

For me being a mum and actually sharing all the love I have to give was more important than having a biological child. I think there is a difference between wanting a child and wanting to be a mum, and for me, I wanted to be a mum and wasn't ever too upset if it wasn't biological. DH and I often joke that we don't think our genes are so special that we HAVE to share them with a biological child.

The ache to be have a baby 'of my own' went away as soon as made the decision to adopt. I was always more upset that I wasn't a mum than that I didn't have a baby 'of my own'. I have friends who have adopted and seeing them with thier children could at times cause a pang, even though I knew the journey they had been on because of that desperate longing to be a parent. A few months into the adoption process a good friend of mine got pregnant and for the first time I was happy for someone who was pregnant, really happy. She hadn't had an easy time of it the year before which made it easier for me to be happy for her.  Do I still get a bit of a pang when I see pregnant women? Yes. But it is a small pang rather than leaving me sobbing in my car on my lunch break eating as much chocolate as I can find because it's the first day of my period and every single woman I see is pregnant. But again, I have always had a massive ache to become a mum, and whether or not it is my biological child hasn't really mattered, although there is a part of me that will always feel we've missed out on the magical feeling of holding a tiny newborn I have just given birth to - but that only comes up when someone I know has a newborn and passes once thier child is a bit bigger and they have stopped glowing with pride quite so much and instead look tired and fed up    

So I guess what I am saying is that on the whole those feelings, and definitely the intensity of the grief, went once we made the decision to adopt and I cannot wait to pour all my love and energy into the child we are about to adopt. But the feeling of not being the same as all the other people who pop out babies left right and centre will probably always be there, deep down inside somewhere.

But I am glad to have got off the rollercoaster of ttc and I don't ever plan to get back on it again; it was emotionally draining and I can't bear to be back there. I am actively using contraception to prevent pregnancy and will continue to this for years to come I think because (a) I have endo so my periods are monsters and (b) I can't bear the slight hope you feel each month when you aren't protecting against pregnancy, because no matter how long you have been trying for, there is always the smallest speck of hope if you are a day or two late.

I think taking back control and not letting my body call the shots anymore has been a huge healing for me.

LilyElf


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks so much again ladies your posts have helped me more than you could imagine.  
I had already decided that adoption was the way I wanted to go and had started to shift my focus onto the children rather than ourselves. But now I actually feel ready to draw a line under ivf for good and the doubts have gone. 
Since reading your posts I've realised one thing, I don't have to be "cured" of my loss in order to move forward positively, I just have to accept it. Just realising this I feel a huge weight lifted. 
So anyway spoken to DH and we are going for it!!! 
We have seen our LA and spoken to a VA. they have both said we can start in July, so it will be under the new regime. 
So excited!!!!   thanks all xxxx


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Welcome aboard EB, welcome aboard!


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## Ourturn (Oct 8, 2008)

Eternal Bloom - thanks ever so much for posting this! I am waiting to start HS so still a long way off bringing a child home. I have ALWAYS wanted a family but after I miscarried my first the feeling intensified. But I lost baby after a baby and was told to keep going as I would have a live baby. I never did. I still grieve for my lost babies and I don't think I don't think its something I will ever forget or 'get over' BUT its something I have learned to live with. I had counselling after mc no 3 and then my most recent one which was a while back now. Can't say I found it that useful but I'm sure the SW will be happy and see it as a box ticked.
I am sure that once (fingers crossed) we bring a lo home we will be overjoyed and much of our pain will fade even further into the background.
I don't melt down when I see a pregnant woman but I still get a 'pang', will that stop after adoption? I don't know. I struggle when someone gets pregnant easily and then complains non stop.
I think what gets to me most is that I will not have been able to control the environment my child will have had during pregnancy and his/her early months/year. When I was pregnant I didn't drink/smoke, ate all the right food so find it hard when I see women drinking and or smoking heavily when pregnant. 
Anyway I think how I feel is normal, I am not going to beat myself up over it of apologise for it.
Good luck 
x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks AuntieKatie  

Good luck Ourturn, wishing you all the best  

Xxxx


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## newmum (Jan 22, 2011)

Very interesting post EB, thanks for posting and good luck with your journey x


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## nicola jane (May 14, 2013)

in our case after losing many babies we came to realise wot was more important to us.. either having the pregnancy or having the children ..and to us it was having the children but everyone is different you just need to follow your heart but you never get over your loss xx


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## albert1 (Sep 11, 2010)

Fantastic question.
As a bloke and being bought up by step-fathers with varying levels of abuse chucked in for good measure I always thought that when the opportunity came to be "dad" my life would be complete and i would break the cycle of my own upbringing. Having been the faithful hubby and supported the boss (Dear wife) through a number of unsuccesful fertility treatments we finally had to come to terms with the reality of the truth.
Our journey started at the begining of this year but we always had a clear route should fertility treatment fail. Despite all the sadness and heartache over the years we have now just finished our Prep group and for me i noticed how the course has help me realise that actually I have a lot of experience with the issues these children have started out life with. This has now made me even more determined to be "Dad" and try to do right for the children. I realise that the sadness of not having a natural birth child but I now would not change anything of the past because I feel that it has ALL led to the here and now, and i dont want to give any of that up. Onwards and upwards as my old nan used to say.


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## kimmieb (May 9, 2013)

I have a pang when friends announce they are pregnant or have their little one but however jealous I feel the feeling of happiness is always greater for them.

We are only in the early stages of adoption but feel that it is 100% what we are meant to be doing! 

For the first time in almost 2 years I have had my period and not cried for what should have been - to me this is great progress....this isn't to say that I don't still long for a biological child but I am understanding that they likeliness of this happening is extremely slim.

For us we got to the point of the next step being ivf and we had discussed this from the beginning that we did not want to go down that route and if we got to there without having a child than we would adopt and this is what we are doing  

Cannot wait to get approved and find our little one
x


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## ChickenLegs (Feb 3, 2013)

Good thread EB    Good luck with everything, have a daisy from me (you're welcome   )


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