# I feel lost



## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

Hello 

It's been 5 months since my last ICSI and I feel so detached from my life and myself. I can't remember what it was like to want a baby, I _*know*_ that all my life it's all I've ever wanted but I just don't seem to feel it any more. It seems like any one can have a baby despite what they might do or how might they might treat it. What's special about that? I don't want to be like everybody else. I feel like having a family has completely lost any specialness or meaning for me. I don't understand why I feel like this or even whether the feelings real. I'm well aware that it could be denial/a coping mechanism to stop failure hurting; but how do I find out whether it's real or not?

I'm due to ovulate today but although DH did ask the other day he hasn't made any moves and I haven't bothered either. I just don't want to try.

Part of me wants to just stop TTCing and go on the pill. I told DH that and he said he thought I would severely regret that later in life and he couldn't agree to it. He says he would be happy with or without children, he also mentioned that he feels like TTCing/ICSI is controlling his life and stopping him from doing what he wants to do - i.e. going out and drinking. But, he had mostly stopped doing that before we started. The only time I've said please don't drink etc was leading up our last ICSI because it was NY and the EC was due in 8ish weeks. I'm devastated that he feels like that. I can't carry on doing this if he feels like that, it's too selfish. He would eventually resent me and leave.

I don't even feel particularly sad, I just feel shut off. Like a tele on stand by. My sister's SIL is 24 weeks pg and it was my nephew's BD party on Saturday, so obviously she was there. I didn't even feel sad or jealous. I did resort to calling her fat instead of pg to DH  That was just a little joke 

I also feel closed off from the death of my best friend. I was reading about him in the Evening Standard online and when I looked at his picture I just shook it out of my head and made myself feel like it wasn't the same person that I had loved.

I just cannot remember why I wanted children. What was so good about it? Maybe I'm having a quiet breakdown.

I've put on a lot of weight (for me) from the ICSI and I loathe myself for it. I feel like a disgusting slob and I am ashamed of myself. I am doing something to change that, Zumba 1-2 times a week and I make sure I burn off 800 calories per session; I'm also watching what I'm eating. But I've lost about 5 pounds and it isn't enough.

We're going on holiday in just over a week and all I want to do is relax and enjoy it, but I don't seem to be able to conjure enthusiasm for anything.

 xxx


----------



## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Aww hunny, firstly your not being selfish to DH, this treatment etc is just a part of your life not your whole life. He can have a drink whilst your not doing tx, we can't put our lives on hold forever. The 1st thing I do after my failed cycle is go for a drink with the girls! 

Your right it may be a coping mechanism at the moment, but if you are unsure, why don't you speak to your clinic and ask about going to see their councilor? And if u want to take abreak from ttc for a while, do that  

Go on holiday and just enjoy being a couple. I personally wouldn't go on the pill after all our time ttc but some times I don't pay attention to Ovulation and we have sex because we both want to when ever we want to.  If it happens great, if not then not as much sadness when AF arrives that month.

If you take a break from ttc you can always go back to trying in a few months or a year when ever your ready.  xx


----------



## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks for your reply *hoping * We do still drink, but we're not 18 any more and I think he forgets that.  He seems to think that if it wasn't for TTC he would be out clubbing every week - he wouldn't. I just don't want him to think I'm restricting him 

I did see the clinic counsellor after my first bfn and it was quite good; but I think I've got too many issues and not not all related to IF, think she found it a bit much. I had a traumatic event about 4 years ago and I asked my GP for help but he was completely unhelpful and useless. I think I need to see someone about it. 1 reason I'm going off having children is that I know that despite anything and everything I could do I couldn't ever completely protect them and someone could hurt them. I don't think I could live if it happened. The fewer people I love the less chance of anyone or me getting hurt.

Thank you again


----------



## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Aww T,  yes I'd find someone to talk to maybe try a different GP at your doctors... And maybe suggest to DP let's have 6 months off ttc and let him go n blow some steam and see he wouldn't be clubbing everyweek, and hopefully in that time you can get a councilor. You can't deal with everythig on your own 

Xxx


----------



## Daisy-Chain (Aug 12, 2012)

It's totally understandable how you are feeling Totoro   

On top of the whole TTC and failed cycles, it sounds like you have a lot of other stuff on your mind too which has totally consumed you and now the only way you can deal with it all is to block it out.  It sounds like your convincing yourself you don't want a family just to prevent hurt.

I agree with Hoping, maybe take 6 months or so out where anything TTC and tx related is not important on your priority list, blow off some steam, let your DH blow off some steam doing whatever he wants.  Keep fit and get yourself into the shape you want to be, this in turn will hopefully start to make you feel a little more positive.

Although your not looking forward to your holiday, it might be just what you need.  Away from normal every day life, the two of you and maybe you will have some fun again like I'm sure you did before infertility took hold.

Good Luck and I hope you manage to have a nice break and enjoy your holiday x


----------



## barbster (Jan 26, 2012)

Totoro, sorry to hear about how you are feeling   . I am no expert but I think you may be suffering with depression based on what you have said. You have detached yourself from your life so as to avoid having to feel anything and to protect yourself from feeling any pain. 

I feel that you should speak to someone, it could be a great help to you speaking to an outsider, so please go to your GP (a different one) and insist that you need some help.

I lost a very close friend also a couple of years ago. Like you, at the time I stuck my head in the sand and pretended that it hadn't happened. Unfortunatley, it had and eventually the reality came back with a vengeance. Try and deal with it now, as it will get harder later on  

Firstly, go away and enjoy your holiday, eat and drink what you want, don't worry about your weight and when you come back, go to your GP for some counselling help and set up an exercise plan to help you get fit again. don't think about TTC until you get through this and feel good abput yourself again.

Hope I don't sound too bossy  , hope my words can help you a little as a person who understands what you are going through


----------

