# Would like advice please



## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi

I'm really trying to desperately decide what to do.  I am 47 and childless.  I had two miscarriages when I was 45 almost 46 and I didn't try getting pregnant after that for several weeks.  When I eventually started trying again, I wasn't able to get pregnant and since I'd already had two miscarriages, I thought perhaps I should consider another option.  I can't afford IVF so I don't know what to do.  I know there is embryo donation and adoption but I still can't decide what to do. I think about this every day and I'm so worried that if I don't do anything about it that I will regret it.  

Can someone please help me to get motivated to do something about this because it's making my anxiety worse and I don't know If I can cope if I leave things much longer?  I'm looking for positive advice and recommendations.  Am I too old because I really don't want to believe that I am.

Thanks


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## astra (Jan 20, 2008)

Hi

I don't believe that you are too old to have a baby but it maybe that you need some medical help to figure things out for you. It sounds like you have done really well to become pregnant naturally but it's very sad that you miscarried. It may be that you have some immune problems (no expert but just thinking) and some tests could identify these and treat them. Perhaps get some advice from the Immune Issues forum. There is a lady there called Agate who has loads of knowledge. In terms of IVF natural IVF is cheaper and some places would treat you up to the age of 50 with your own eggs. I'd still get a few tests done whatever you decide to do and try not to get too stressed (easier said than done) 

Best wishes
astra x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

why not go to your nearest IVF clinic and ask about using a donor egg? It doesn't hurt to go on a fact finding mission even if you don't end up down that route. 
get a diary and start writing down possible things you could do (people you could ask, etc) and then tick them off. Once you get started investigating properly what your options are it will get easier. 
have you had your AMH tested? (antimullerian hormone blood test) or your antral follicle count measured? are you still ovulating? These are some of the things to find out. You don't say if you are single but you mention embryo donation rather than egg donation so does this mean you need someone to be the other half of the equation? Might be worth going abroad... 

so sorry for your heartbreaking losses I really hope you find a way to be a family.


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## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

No, you're not too old. I'm 48 and 36 weeks pregnant - I'll be having my LO in 2 weeks when I'll be 49. I ended up going for donor cycles as my chances with OE were so slim. 

Have you had any investigations into why you miscarried? Also, if you're thinking of OE, you should probably have your hormone levels checked out. You may be able to get these done on the NHS by chatting to your GP. 

Fact finding is always a good start to get yourself motivated. This site is excellent for that. There are lots of books out there about making your body baby-friendly. There's also a thread somewhere on here for over-40s who are TTC naturally. There seems to be a wealth of information on improving the quality of your eggs. 

Lots of clinics now do DE and embryo adoption so you could ring around a few and see what prices they charge. I went to a clinic in Athens, called Serum, who do these and will do free telephone/email consultations. I also had email consultations with my old clinic in Spain. You can gather quite a lot of information this way, which might help you think of the right direction for you. 

God luck xx


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I adopted a little boy in January at 44. There was a lady of 47 on my training course. I saw her last week and she had also adopted a little boy.  There are other options but why not pick up the phone and ring your la and go to an information evening. You are under no commitment and you might decide its not for you but nothing ventured nothing gained.


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi,

Thanks to all of you who replied.

Astra - you mentioned natural IVF and that it is cheaper.  I can't really afford the IVF treatment which makes me think that perhaps I should choose embryo donation or adoption.  It's possible that I've got immune problems but it's more likely my age that is the reason for the miscarriages.  I'm finding this a struggle to decide what to do because I'm a shy person too who would feel quite self-conscious going to my local doctor's surgery to have an AMH or any other type of fertility tests.  

Goldbunny - I do have a partner but he isn't as committed to having a child as I am.  Also, I would probably only be able to afford embryo adoption because egg donation is very expensive.  I think it's a good idea to try and motivate myself with keeping a dairy or something because it would be like a step by step approach to pursuing this.  I'm so self-conscious though about what my family and other people think.

Cooljules - congratulations to you and I hope you are keeping well.  You are an inspiration to me.  I'll be 48 next spring and therefore you can imagine how anxious I am getting.  Can I ask if you have any other children?  Also, can I ask if you had any doubts about getting pregnant and how are your family and other people with you?  I hope you don't mind the questions.

Snapdragon - congratulations to you on the adoption of your little boy.  This is something that I would be interested in doing.  Would it be possible for someone my age to adopt a baby or a toddler do you think?  

I'm trying to make a decision but I keep putting things off and then I start panicking because I haven't done anything about it.  I think it's being afraid of what other people think that prevents me doing anything and also not having a lot of money to afford various treatments.  I think I'm concerned about my age because I'm too self conscious about what people that I know will think of me being pregnant at my age.  I know that it shouldn't matter what other people think because I could end up bitter as a result of it. If you have any other advice, I would really appreciate it.  

Regards


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

The 47 year old lady I saw last week adopted her little boy in February (she was 47 when we did the training 2 years ago so would be older now). He looked about 2. I was 44 when I adopted a 22 month old and could have had a baby if I had wanted. My la actually said I was young for them. All la's are different but don't let your age put you off finding out more.


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## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

To answer some of your questions - this is my first pregnancy and it took me 8 years to get my BFP. I had more doubts before I got my BFP and don't have any about my age now. I've not had any bad experiences with anyone I've encountered through the NHS so far, in fact they have been almost over-careful to mention my age in relation to various age-related risks. Family and friends are delighted for us as they know how much we wanted this 

If you really want this, and it sounds like you do, you need to overcome your self-conciousness and approach your GP. You can contact some clinic about embryo adoption via email, which may make it easier for you. Same with adoption, I guess intial investigate doesn't require any face to face. 

Don't worry what other people think as it's not of there business 

Maybe you should write a list (as quick action plan) of what research and investigation you could do and then decide to tick one item off each day? For example:
- ask for advice and suggested clinics on FF for embryo donation
- contact a clinic for more information and prices
- look up you local authority for adoption information
- request adoption info from local authority
- research on FF what tests you could have to check fertility and make a list
etc, etc

Breaking it down and doing it stage by stage can help to get you started and then as you tick stuff off it will start to motivate you.

Good luck xx


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi,

Thanks again to you Snapdragon and Cooljules for the advice.  I spoke to someone in my family yesterday about wanting to have a child and they said that I should forget about it.  This is making me feel negative again and I'm thinking perhaps I shouldn't go ahead with it afterall but I can't seem to let go of the idea though.  I'm quite depressed at the moment and I'm worried that I will regret not trying. I don't want to turn into this bitter person and wondering what if?  

I'm putting off doing anything because I'm thinking what if they are right in saying that I shouldn't go ahead with it?  They give the impression that I'm being a little ridiculous.

With regard to adoption, do you have to be in full time employment and how financially secure do you have to be to even be considered to adopt at my age?  

With regard to embryo adoption, I think I can afford to do that but I'm wondering how many tries on average it takes to get a positive?

Even if I contact the clinics for information, I'm going to feel alone in all of this.  I think it's probably easier when you have a supportive partner or friends or someone that understands.  It helps that I can ask you people for advice here though.  

Regards


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## Coolish (Jul 10, 2012)

Why would your family member be right when that is just their opinion? I have friends that don't want children and some that have grown up kids that they had in their 20s. I'm sure they are happy as they are but it doesn't mean that they are right and I am wrong. You have to do what feels right for you - and it sounds like you will have more regrets if you don't do something...

I'm sure there are threads on here for embryo adoption, so you could ask the question there?

Also there are lots of ladies on here that are going it alone, without a partner, and there are threads that help to support them. Quite a few ladies on here in relationships still very often feel they are doing it alone as they are very often the driving force.

You just need to take that first step and contact a couple of clinics and investigate a few threads on here and ask questions. You'll feel more motivated once you do that.


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

From hand on my heart I'd like to add you are NEVER to old to want to be a mommy.. It's something that you have to follow if your heart desires. 

Costs with IVF are very high and I've spent £30k on my journey and no way in gods earth do I feel sad about it as I will carry on as the debt doesn't worry me know I just want to be a mommy. 

I could never afford DE and as I'm now 39 can't do egg donation so my only option is full IVF (I've blocked tubes). 

I looked in to Adoption, went to an open evening and they wanted me to start a course in January but as my local LA (most of LA's) require at least 6 months off work I had to pull back and delay the course. I can't afford 6 months off not with living alone, IVF loan and paying all the bills. I also work from home and still they wouldn't except it. So I'm back on the IVF rollercoaster. 

Some of my friends and family have said to me "You've tried and it's not worked so give up" others have said "You're self going through IVF on your own now" (as previous ones were with ex) I've even had "Why bother kids are a nightmare" (from people that easily can have kids).. Do you know what I say to them.. YOU DO NOT LIVE IN MY LIFE, YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TOLD YOU ARE INFERTILE and above all THIS IS MY LIFE AND I SHALL DO WHAT I WANT WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT... Most of them now can't do enough to help me now!! Strange how when you flip the coin they start to see it from your shoes. 

What I'm trying to say is follow your heart, follow all your dreams and do what you want.. we only have one life to lead and my goodness I don't want any regrets xxxx


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Cooljules - I agree that it's up to me and it really shouldn't matter what other people think but for some reason I'm afraid that I'll get it wrong and they will have been right.  All of my younger siblings have got children and yet it feels like I'm supposed to give up on the idea of being a parent.  It hurts that they can't see how it affects me.  My partner doesn't really seem bothered about me having a child because he already has several with his ex's.  I think I will also ask some questions in the embryo adoption as well as in here.  

hbkmorris - Thank you for replying with the advice.  It's so difficult to know what to do because if I give in to not trying I'm afraid of regretting things.  My self esteem is also affected by this.  

All the best to you.

Regards


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## Hbkmorris (Apr 7, 2010)

I totally understand how you feel as I feel it everyday. My ex had children from ex wife and trust me he wasn't at all bothered really although went along with it for my sake. 

Some how some where my age has crept to 39 & half and I know I'd like to give it one last shot next year.. If that fails then I start to re access my life and where I turn... In the meantime I have to remain strong (as much as I can) and never give up on hope.. I'm praying I meet Mr Right and I fall happily pregnant naturally!! Now that would be a shot (on both accounts) xxx


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

hbkmorris - I hope I decide what to do soon because I don't like leaving things like this.  I'm getting nowhere and I think the longer I leave it, I'll give in to not trying and then I would could end up regretting it.  If I could only decide on the best thing to do it would be a start.    

You are very determined and I hope you will succeed with your IVF. 

Regards


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