# Why so scared



## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

I know many lovely ladies have done numerous rounds of IVF, so what makes me any different?...

Nothing is the answer to that, but that doesn't stop me feeling so anxious going into this next round, even if it is only our 2nd go.

First time round I was so very focused and surprisingly calm, that was until EC and hearing those words, 'no eggs'  

Even afterwards I picked myself up and was looking forward to trying again. This was until 4 days ago when I actually started stimms. Now I just keep thinking it is going to happen again and all my good positive energy seems to be lost  

I am having some quite disturbing dreams, not necessarily about babies, but very strange all the same  

I know that all of this is out of our control, maybe that is why I am struggling. I wouldn't say I was some kind of control freak, but this is a very different out of control feeling.

I go for my first blood test tomorrow and I am hoping and praying that this time my oestrogen levels do rise and that last time was because the long protocol shut me down too well. 

I think the hardest thing is that our consultant has said, faced with the same picture as last time he will still go ahead with EC as he has seen success with women in the same position as me  

I know people do go on to success after failed cycles and why wouldn't that be me?

I guess you really can't switch off your feelings, no matter how hard you try to be so positive.

Sorry to sound miserable, I know i am more fortunate than lots of women and that we can financially afford to do IVF, but to me that is a small part as it is the emotional part that is the hardest. I could inject myself forever, none of the physical stuff phases me either.


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## teapot73 (Jul 6, 2013)

*Spudlin*, I think anybody would feel very scared and anxious if they already have had a protocol which did not get them to embryo transfer. I haven't been in the same situation but had very different number of follicles and eggs on the same dose of mild IVF (within 6 months) - from 6 to only 2 - and the thought that I might not get to ET drove me absolutely mad. With my current protocol I am not even sure if we proceed to EC because of an ovarian cyst so I think I understand how you must feel. I struggle to concentrate on anything and has been getting weird dreams as well. This is my 7th fresh go, I've never thought that I would do more than 3.
Is your treatment different this time? I hope you get good mature eggs this time with excellent fertilisation, perfect embryos and a perfect baby/s 
Best of luck for the blood test and the scan!


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## angelica_wales (Oct 10, 2012)

Spudlin - I'm so sorry you're in such a low and lonely place but I can assure you,  you are not alone in feeling like this.

The first cycle is a journey into the unknown and you don't know where things can go wrong or if you do you think it's not going to happen to you

After the 1st cycle, everything becomes a bit more real. You're more aware of everything and worry everything will go wrong again...

I wish I could say it gets easier but it doesn't... we just get stronger

The only advice I can give (which a good friend on here said to me) is you need to focus on the reasons it will work and not the reasons it won't.  Remember that you are going through this to make your dreams (not the horrible ones!) come true

Take each day at a time. Worrying won't change the outcome

Never apologise for sounding miserable - We all know how you feel and are here to listen 

Good luck tomorrow xx


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## Gemlou78 (Sep 14, 2012)

Spudlin, I completely understand how you are feeling as I felt the same this time last year.  I was about to start my 4th ICSI cycle after having a failed cycle, a cancelled cycle and a successful cycle which ended in a early miscarriage.  I'd always had quite a low fertilisation rate and with my cancelled cycle I only had 2 follicles growing and we decided it wasn't worth having the eggs collected.  Anyway I went into our fourth cycle last year feeling pretty deflated and anxious and thinking this was never going to work for us and we'd never have a baby.  Again, I didn't have a massive amount of follicles but they managed to collect 8 eggs, 6 of which fertilised and 3 made it to blast.  I had one transferred and was fortunate enough to get pregnant and now have a beautiful 12 week old baby boy who is currently asleep upstairs.  I just wanted to share my story with you and show you how much things can change from cycle to cycle.  Just because you had no eggs last time, doesn't mean it will happen again.  I wish you all the luck in the world xx


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

I ended up having six cycles to conceive but I remember the second cycle being the most emotionally intense.

The first cycle holds so much promise and then when it doesn't work it sends you into a spiral. The thought of it never working is really quite overwhelming.

Be brave, you'll get there xx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thank you lovely ladies, I am just going to wack myself with my old friend the positivity stick  

There you go, feeling better already. Such wonderful wise words from you all  

I will let you know how it goes tomorrow. Very early start with an hours commute to clinic then almost 2 hours to work from there  

Made in Chelsea then bed


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## Caan (May 24, 2010)

Just wanted to say thinking of you today and Good Luck!! 

Love this!! " I am just going to wack myself with my old friend the positivity stick!!"  going to think of this when the going gets tough!!

Bye for now Cx


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Hi Spudlin

Just wanted to offer some words of advice I was in your position a few months ago infact I was worse that you. I really had no strength or desire to do another cycle as I was so devestated the first one failed. I didn't even have the energy to go to my follow up to discuss the cycle it was so raw and painful

We looked into adoption I filled in all the forms and then one evening my dh spring on me that we should go for our follow up first and then possibly do another cycle I agreed......probably due to the copious amount of wine that was consumed

I entered the second cycle not as naive and slightly more prepared that it may not work. I felt I had a better understanding and found myself more forward in asking questions at scans etc and know what I was lookhg for. I'm pleased to say we got a bfp last week and never did I think it would happen

You have to keep strong and keep the faith if anything what I have found is it's rare for ivf to work on first time it actually takes a few times it's just whether you have the strength to continue 

Wishing you the best of luck x


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thanks Harper,

Feeling a little more optimistic today. Had bloods done yesterday and after 4 days stimming they have dropped my stimms dose. I go back Fri for more bloods and first scan. This is way better than the last cycle, were they kept me on the same dose through to ec as my oestrogen levels were not great. I asked her does this mean something is happening and she said yes   Apparently they don't like you to cook too quickly so manage your doses to steady things.

Not sure if it is my imagination but I definitely feel 'twingy' in the ovary areas this tine too and a bit bloated. Last time I didn't really feel any different bar the headaches from buserilin


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

That sounds positive if things are happening already - when is your first scan?

Drink lots of milk, protein and hot water bottle xx


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## teapot73 (Jul 6, 2013)

*Spudlin*, change of the dose sounds promising - wishing you good luck for Friday scan! xx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thanks guys,

Definitely feeling the meds this time round. I had buserilin headache last time and again now   but also feeling tweeky around my lower abdomen and when I rode my horse the other night My boobs felt heavy and a bit uncomfortable. Not sore otherwise, but they are never like that normally when I ride. I also felt uncomfortable later that evening around my ovaries and I remember my clinic saying last time that it was ok to carry on riding or your normal exercise, but listen to your body and ease off if you feel anything, so I have backed off the more strenuous riding and I intend to just go for walks on him and carry on light yard duties. Quite easy at the min as he is living out for the summer so no mucking out  

Intersted to see what is going on scan wise, but also very terrified!!! It would be amazing to get some eggs this time at least


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Well scared continued as I'm sure it will do!!

Had EC this morning, terrified after last time. Anyway, from 11 follicles there were 7 mature and they got 6 eggs.

Feeling quite tender tonight and would love to start feeling elated, but now we are at the next hurdle, phone call tomorrow around 9 am, have any fertilised.

What a lottery!!!


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## Jam&amp;Cream (Jan 27, 2013)

That's great news *Spudlin*, good luck for this morning  X


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Spudlin that's great news you must be so pleased - good luck for the call today xx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Sorry to be the bringer of yet more doom ladies, but none of my eggs fertilised  

Had the call at about 9 this morning, they said that they could see the sperm embedded in the egg wall but none gone through  

All over yet again  

Next step icsi!! They did say that they will keep watching them for the next couple of days, I assume so that they can see how to plan the next cycle.

We have a follow up on Fri morning. I just want to crack on asap as soon as they will let me.

Surely these things can only make us stronger eh? As much as I would love to cry, I don't seem to be able to shed a tear.

Stupid question but I presume I stop the progesterone pessaries now then??


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## Jam&amp;Cream (Jan 27, 2013)

aww I'm so sorry. Glad your follow ups nice and early though, that's good news. How come they didn't do icsi this time? X


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Spudlin I am so so sorry but you got to take the good that you got eggs and they should be able to tell you info on quality. This might sound stupid but is it to late for them to try icsi? 

Big hugs x


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thanks ladies,

They don't try icsi unless known sperm issues and there hasn't been any  

I think it is definitely over this cycle, but I want to get going again asap.

Hopefully it they won't make me wait too long. I know they said 2-3 months after last cycle but that was long protocol, may be different after short as no down reg?? 

I know with clomid you just carry on each month? 

Let's see what the boss man says on Fri. We could have been seen this afternoon but with another doctor and as we have already swapped once I would rather we stayed with the same one.


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## Jam&amp;Cream (Jan 27, 2013)

*Spudlin*, they made me wait for 2 periods before I could do fet, I'd been on short protocol, so hopefully you should be able to get going before christmas. 
We did icsi, they said we didn't really need to as our donor sperm was superb but that it was up to us. Good luck for Friday. X


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## Sashaj (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Spuldin don't apologise  for feeling miserable. It's only natural to feel anxious and sceptical after what you've been through. 

My situation is slightly different but somewhat similar in the way I felt after our first cycle. Like you, prior to first cycle I was so excited and prepared until we got to our egg collection. I was lucky to have 8 lovely eggs collected but then the shock - we had no sperm! So one minute we are told you are so lucky we have lovely eggs and there goes my husband to give them his sperm sample and there was no sperm! This is all in one day!  I won't bore you with the details as to why this happened but I guess I felt similar to you. One minute you are high and happy and the next minute it is all shattered and you hit the low. I went through all that process to learn that we have no sperm! I was gutted. 

It took me a long time to recover but I did. They have learned from the first cycle and made some changes in our second cycle and guess what - I got bfp and gave birth to a lovely baby girl in 2013. 

I know it is hard when you are on the receiving end but the fist cycle is the learning point so they can monitor you and tailor your next cycle differently. 

I hope my positive story will give you some hope and courage to continue with your next round.

Remember that every round is different. I have read many times on this forum how some ladies had no eggs and then 10 eggs etc. It really changes and the fact that it happened to you once doesn't mean it will happen to you again.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best. 

Keep us posted. 

Love 

Sash

Xx


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## teapot73 (Jul 6, 2013)

Spudlin, Im so sorry   - the good news is that you produced good number of mature eggs, now your consultant knows to use ICSI next time, glad you dont have to wait long for the follow up. Sending you big


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thanks teapot, just feel so ill and numb  

Sasha, this is our 2nd round hun, first round in June did long protocol and no eggs  
Thanks for sharing your positive story  

I feel like that song, I get knocked down but I get up again, only this time it has hit me quite hard!! I'm like a zombie, just nipped to the shop to get me out of the house and felt like an idiot cos couldn't remember what I went for!!!


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## Jam&amp;Cream (Jan 27, 2013)

*Spudlin*, hopefully your next one will go great. You know you can get a good number of eggs now and that may of been the problem all along. My best friend ended up having icsi after ivf, they told her the outer layer of the eggs was too tough for the sperm to penetrate by itself. Fingers crossed x


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## Sashaj (Jul 25, 2011)

Spuldin I apologise. I skipped the second page by mistake and only just saw that you had no fertilisation in your second cycle. 

My first response was in relation to your first post. Sorry this has happened to you. So bloody unfair that you have to go through this. It is probably best to get on with your next cycle ASAP and just keep going. I stopped after my first unsuccessful cycle as I couldn't mentally carry on but it would have been better if I kept going rather than sit at home and cry like did.

I wish you all the best in your next cycle and I am sure it will be your lucky one. 

Look after yourself honey. 

Xxx


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## Sashaj (Jul 25, 2011)

Forgot to say - fantastic news about the eggs! Hopeful having ICSI is the answer. Good luck. Xx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thanks ladies, I know if I hang about I will only dwell. I also know that each failed cycle can help the clinic fine tune future cycles but it still hurts like hell doesn't it?

I am extremely pleased with my egg number after last time. It's like 1 step forward and 1 back!! 

Chocolate has helped me immensely today


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## Harper14 (Sep 29, 2013)

Spudlin I have learned with this process it's trial and error and now you know you have eggs once you do icsi you will have cracked it

I have a lot of admiration for you getting straight back into I know everyone deals with this journey differently but I think you are very strong and wish you all the best

In the mean time enjoy the chocolate & have some wine 

Xx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Thanks harper, not feeling overly strong today, maybe on the outside  

Unfortunately I don't drink, so wine is out, does this mean I could go for a cupcake??



Lets hope that icsi is the answer, be interesting what they say on Friday at our follow up


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## Littlemissv (Mar 6, 2013)

Hi Spudlin.

I was on the Clomid board with you. So sorry to read this update. This 2nd cycle has showed that the short protocol is the one for you, the dosage worked and next time icsi will be the way forward. Hopefully the adage third time lucky will come true for you.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
I'm in the 2ww from my 2nd cycle - and did some counselling inbetween rounds as I have 0 positivity after my first failed cycle. It definitely helped me keep more perspective this time round. I know it's not for everyone but it really helped me.

Hope your review on Friday helps you know your next steps. 

Enjoy the chocolate and I'm sorry that things haven't worked out for you YET! Take care.

L x


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Hi littlemiss, 
I remember you from our clomid days, seems such a long time ago now eh?

I know I should feel pleased that I at least had eggs this time, but each hurdle we have to jump is hard  

I have everything crossed for third time lucky, you have to keep hoping don't you?

Very best of luck for you hun


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