# Feeling quite proud of myself......



## Liliaicha (Feb 22, 2004)

......and I thought you girls would understand!

As some of you may know from a previous post my SIL is 7 months pg. I have found it almost impossible to deal with, and when my wonderful brother told me about it 4 months ago I told him that there was no way I'd be able to see my SIL while she was pg as it would be too upsetting for me.  (He told me about 6 weeks after my 5th failed tx).

I had one last tx in August which also failed so my relationship with my brother was particularly difficult - basically I didn't see him or contact him for about 2 months.

Anyway, I'd kind of built up some kind of weird thing in my mind that I would be able to deal with my own childlessness if only 'she' wasn't pg. All my negative thoughts were on her and it seemed to be a bit of a block. I couldn't get on with my life because 'she' was pg and it wasn't fair. I only had to think about her and I'd cry.

Anyway I woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago, and thought to myself that I was being ridiculous, I couldn't carry on blaming her. They'd been so understanding about me not being able to see her, and although they were sad about it they understood, which was great.

I invited my brother round that afternoon and told him that I was 'thinking' about maybe, the possibility of perhaps seeing SIL.  He was sooooo happy, but I said not to rush me, and that he must understand that I will always have times of sadness in my life because of my IF and it feelings would never go away.  He said 'whenever you are ready' and put no pressure on me.

Anyway I text him the following Friday, and we arranged for me to go round to their house on the Saturday for a coffee - starting slowly, without pressure, so I could leave any time I wanted. Saturday morning came and I couldn't face it, I spent all morning in tears, just thinking 'it's not fair' 'why isn't it me?'. Again my brother said 'no problem, whenever you are ready'.

This morning I woke up and thought 'today I'm ready!' I text him and he said to come over.  Then I started to get all shakey, and could feel the tears in my eyes but no bawling! I text him to warn him that there would almost definitely be tears!

When I got there my bother gave me a big hug, he could see the tears in my eyes, and I started to cry.  He said 'are you ready?' and I said 'yes' and we went into the kitchen.  When I saw her she wasn't a huge as I'd imagined, and we gave each other a huge five minute hug, with loads of tears, even my brother. I apologised for not seeing before and she said no problem. I even put my hands on her tummy, something I NEVER thought I could do, and she whispered 'that's your niece or nephew' I told her to make sure it was a niece as they are much better, and that really broke the ice, all three of us started to laugh.

We had coffee together and chatted for about 2 hours, pg/children not mentioned except when they were wishing they could go on safari, but obviously couldn't (I'm going next week, whoo hoo!)

When I left they both said how pleased they were that I had come round, and that they knew how hard it was.  When I left I didn't cry, and I didn't need my preplanned lay-by to cry in when I drove home!!

I'm so proud of myself that I have done it, at last. It feels like a step forward, even if it is a very tiny one, as obviously I still have the birth, and the issue of me being a godmother to deal with in the near future.

I'm also so proud of my brother and SIL in how sensitive and caring they have been throughout, we have had so many awful stories of awful people being totally insensitive, and sometimes downright rude to those of us who are childless, that I wanted to mention it.

I thought I'd write all this down as I thought other people on here would understand what a HUGE deal all this was for me, even my DP had said 'for god's sake just go and see her and be done with it!' He had no idea how hard it would be.

Take care all...

L x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Lillaicha

Thank you so much for sharing this with us!

Your post brought a big lump to my throat as I could SO imagine every step of this journey for you. You say its a tinny step, but it is not, it is a massive achievemnt and I am so pleased for you. i can really really relate to your story.

I am so pleased your brother and SIL were so patient and understanding for you, especially on the day when you must have been feeling so vulnerable and fragile. I could really feel it with you! I am utterly convinced that the patience and understanding of people makes such a difference in helping us face our fears. When they try very hard to think of our feelings it seems to make the painful obstacles so much easier to hurdle, (although of course as you say they will always be difficult and painful to some extent). 

I had a HUGE difficulty with my lovely cousin who is like a sort of brother to me, he loves me heaps but just could not understand why it was so hard and he was so excited about his baby that he just kept pushing me and pushing me to see him before I was ready. (the baby was born 6 weeks after we were told to give up having tx, so again, I can relate to you). 

The result....I went round to see them long before I was ready, at a time when I was at my most confused and vulnerable, and it was so incredibly painful to even be in the same room as the baby that I couldn't even look at it. My cousin was hurt and our relationship suffered (tho we're ok again now).

By contrast, I have found that another cousin was incredibly conscious of how painful it must be and was SO SO worried about hurting me that it made me feel so much better and able to be brave to see her....like you I had been dreading seeing her massive 8 month bump, but in the end because shed been so kind I even managed to hug her despite it pressing into my own empty belly.

It sounds like you have handled it masterfully despite all your fears and pain, and I really wish I had handled it half so well! I know it doesn't mean it will be plain sailing from here, but at least now you cn feel you tried your best and did SO SO well, and from the sounds of it they will be supportive in the future when you have to face the real thing.

Heres to you, you can feel so proud of yourself!


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

OOh what a lovely story, your brother and SIL sound lovely. You should be proud of yourself xx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

Well I'm crying here after reading your post! In a happy way though. I really feel for you because this week I just found out that my newly married SIL is definately ttc, and I expect she'll fall really quickly, and I'm terrified that not only will I never be able to see her again, but that I'll never be able to see any of DH's family again as they will only ever want to talk about the baby.....

...and she isn't even pg yet!!! (that I know of...)

Anyway, I wanted to say how brilliant I think you did. xxx

ps.



Ermey said:


> I even managed to hug her despite it pressing into my own empty belly.


Ermey, that really hit me hard, I can't imagine that at all. omg what a powerful image. I'm in awe of you for that. x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

tears of happiness for you Liliaicha!
Know what a difficult time you have been through, and I am so happy for you honey!

Emmag, can so relate to how you're feeling too - my SIL did go on to have 2 kids and my outlaws did nothing but talk about them - but now the boots on the other foot as they're sick to death of looking after them all the time!   and they are little monsters!    serves my outlaws right for boring the pants off the rest of the family all the time says evil me!  

Much love
Emcee xxx


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## Liliaicha (Feb 22, 2004)

> I'm terrified that not only will I never be able to see her again, but that I'll never be able to see any of DH's family again as they will only ever want to talk about the baby.....


Emmag, I know how you feel, I have not spoken to or seen any other members of my family (except my mum and step father who know my situation), because I would not be able to deal with all their comments and questions relating to my SIL's pg. Luckily there are no planned family 'events' that I would have to attend, where I would have to constantly listen to

"isn't it wonderful about your brother's news?" - _*yes of course it's wonderful, but also very painful for me, knowing I can never have that*_,

or "It'll be you soon" -_*I doubt it, have been ttc for 6 years with no luck,* _ followed by all the stupid comments like "just relax, it will happen" or "have you thought about IVF?",

or "when are you going to have children?" - *None of your damn business!!!* will probably be the answer, and will not be appreciated by my grandparents!!

My DP tells me off for not contacting anyone in my family, but I know I can't handle it. People do not necessarily mean to be insensitive, but it just doesn't seem to cross peoples' minds that I'm nearly 40, without a child, and that there may be a problem. (Mind you my favourite defensive reply of _"Children, god no! How would I be able to fit all my holidays in if I had children!?!_ which I have been using for years probalby doesn't help!!)

It's hard enough dealing with the sensitive, kind and caring people like my brother and SIL, so at the moment I refuse to deal with the rest of them!!

L x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Liliaicha - that is a HUGE step. Well done you. And it is so good to hear that your brother and SIL understand how difficult things are for you. It makes all the difference.
Bernie xxx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Lillaicha and All Of You Lovely Ladies
I too can relate to this. When my MIL announced to us the my SIL was pg (unsensitive cow...she could've waited, she told us about her 'much longed-for grandchild' a few days before my 40th birthday just when our miscarried baby would have been due) and I fell into a deep black hole that I am only now peeping over the top! I didn't speak to my in-laws for two years and only dipped my toe in the water again the Christmas before last as my hatred for my MIL wasn't as strong as my love for DH and he really felt hurt that I couldn't talk to them. However, the child is now 3 and I've never seen her (luckily BIL, SIL and child all live a long way away, so only visit MIL & FIL at Christmas). I can talk about her now, and I buy presents for her with DH, but I still can't bring myself to see her. I think I could see her if it was away from MIL...but she's always hanging around the child like a bad smell.
I think I've left it too long now, but each birthday and milestone that passes is still a painful reminder of what might have been.
Sorry if I'm not being much help, I just wanted to let you know that I think you are really brave for facing up to this!
Love to all
Elaine
PS...Ermey, "I even managed to hug her despite it pressing into my own empty belly." sheer poetry that speaks volumes.


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Your post was incredibly touching hun it made me cry and yes you are brave and you should feel rightly proud of yourself and your DB/SIL .. You will get a lot of joy from your new Niece/Nephew when he/she arrives and you will be glad that you made that move .. I have 4 god-children and sometimes it is bittersweet as it makes me think of what having my own would be like but I get so much pleasure from them ..they bring a joy to my life that I havn't managed to achieve through having my own children, so in some ways thats why I can imagine adopting a child/ren because I have a lot of love to give a child it may not be my own child if things don't work out but I pray that I can make a difference to a childs life be it my own or adopted..in my job I see how unloved some of these children are .. they are desperate for lovely Mummy's like us .. and wonder whether that is God's plan.. we are here to save the children who aren't lucky enough to have lovely Mummy's like us who would love and cherish them as if they were our own.

I wish you every luck and happiness hunny x 
Cat x


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