# Is it just us or does matching feel...surreal?



## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Ok so...

You go through the whole lengthly process of applications, training, checks, home study and panel to be approved as adopters, yipee we've done it we're going to be parents! 

Then.....

Your matched! Again yipee!!! But then it all suddenly becomes real and the fact that you are about to make what is undeniably the most important decision of your life arrives, do you have all the information that you possibly could have in order to make such a huge decsion....most of it! Have you managed to ascertain that you will actually 'like' the children you are matched with and eventually love them as if your own, you hope and convince yourself that you will. Then your asked to make the decision   It's intense, it's emotionally charged and the whole thing weighs heavy on your heart and mind. 

Then....

You suddenly realise that you are about to say YES based on no more than reports written by people whom you hope really know the children and a few photographs! Is it just us or at this crucial point did anyone else think.....What the hell are we doing! We who would never dream of buying a house without looking around it, a car without a test drive, even a washing machine without laying eyes on it! 

Now of course, I am in no way suggesting that people ought to 'try before they buy' when it comes to adoption, but today it really hit home just how much of a leap of faith we all take at this point with regards to saying yes! We asked today if we could maybe get a DVD of the boys were matched too, the boys SW said no it couldn't be done due to the fact that at the present time pre-permenance order the BPs still have rights with regards to this and the LA doesn't do DVDs, indeed we were told this afternoon by our rather maverick SW that we were lucky to have seen the photos that we have and know the boys full names prior to being asked to say yea or nae!  

I opted for the only thing that I felt I could, I asked our SW to go on a road trip and see the boys! Don't think he saw that coming but to us it made perfect sense! He is the only person whom we can honestly say knows us and therefore could really gauge whether or not we are the right parents for these boys. Thankfully the boys SW thought it was a great idea and a date has been set for our SWs road trip! 

To be honest we do already feel that this match is right. We could see no reason at all not to say yes there and then today at the meeting. There was just something niggling at me that wanted something, anything that could say with some certainty that this was the right decision, are we alone? Has anyone else in this situation so close to saying yes to a match ever felt like this? 

Thankfully our SW is a great guy and willingly agreed to go visit with the boys and their SW at a sibling contact in one of the FCs homes in a few weeks. In the interim we are essentially still proceeding with the match and await a meeting to be arranged with the medical adviser and the boys separate FCs.

Have I just made my SW take a nearly 3 hour trip for no good reason other than my own insecurities? Friends and family keep saying that's it crazy to expect someone to make such a decision without ever seeing or meeting the boys, of course we understand why this is the case but it really did hit home today the gravity of our decision and really truly how much faith we must place in others in the adoption process to get it right on our behalf!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

In my experience yes what you are feeling is very normal. A bit like the last few weeks of a pregnancy - childbirth/will i be good parent/what if i dont bond.

Except our worries are a bit deeper than that as you understand trauma & loss more than those who haven't been through prep/home study. Our "babies" have their own personalities and experiences.

But you do need to trust you & your SW judgement and take that leap of faith to be together as a family.

Good luck
X


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Ps the scottish legal system & the code by which SWs work to is very similar. Our SW never let us see pics but our childs SW had photos once we were linked and we got dvd only because it had been done for a future exchange day. It certainly changed my SWs viewpoint as i know they discussed in their team (we dont have major security issues).

X


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## Hunibunni (Jan 18, 2009)

I felt every kind of feeling you could ever feel when we got matched I think it is perfectly normal. It's HUGE! I couldn't eat, sleep and felt constantly sick. BUT the more information we got the better I started to feel and I knew LO was right for us. It's scary I must admit but I'm meeting LO tomorrow and you know what I already feel he is ours and we are his. 

Good luck with everything 

Xx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

its for this very reason our LA do a 'blind viewing'..I honestly dont know how people get the 'feel' for their match without it   having a quick meeting with DD was SO important for us to really know who she was. And isnt this whole new 'activity day' thing thats becoming the norm a way of people getting to know the 'real' child rather than just on paper? Seems mad that most LA's dont do a blind viewing..but most don't..and most matches seem to go well  


kj x


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Many thanks to all who have taken the time to reply. 

As I mentioned we were 95% sure that this was the right match but it just seemed today that there was a brief moment that was just surreal, and I guess as Gertie said we just got a bit panicked and had what is probably a normal self doubting moment! 

The boy's SW really likes the idea of our SW going to spend a bit of time with the boys on our behalf, it's essentially the next best thing to our being able to see them ourselves. After getting a chance to properly discuss the 2 hour meeting through tonight DH and I have agreed that we definitely want to proceed with the match. Its hard to explain rationally but we do feel that we are the best match and the boys should be our sons. I guess I had my 'rational' hat on for 5 minutes today and freaked out! 

I think the fact that the boys have a very difficult legal situation is also praying heavy on our minds and instead of letting ourselves get head of heels and majorly excited, we are a little more reserved and cautious as I guess somewhere at the back of our minds a voice does keep saying that it might not happen!

DH and I used to think that adoption activity days weren't a good thing, after going through the matching process we've come to understand one significant benefit to them, the ability to actually see and interact with the LO's before you make the biggest decision of your life! 

Thanks again for all your comments


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

I completely know how you feel, but we were lucky enough to see them at an activity day, we have also been sent a wedge of photos to try and make them fee real and more like ours, we have known about them since February and they are only starting to feel like they are going to be ours now!


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

I think what you are feeling is totally normal (at least i hope it is!) i think its a feeling that keeps creeping up on you right until the day you meet them (and even sometimes for a little while longer) by the time we met him we had seen tonnes of photos but i remember the night before we met little man, coming on here, terrified it wasnt the right thing. what if he wasnt right for us and more importantly us for him. i worried about his smell, his personality, you name it. you have the added uncertainty of never seeing a photo of your potential children. It amazes me how la/va differ in something as simple as seeing a photo of your potential children and I agree with keema, I think it is very difficult to commit without seeing one or even doing a blind viewing. Our sw was adamant we needed to feel a connection and she argue that could only be done through seeing him.

I hope your sw meeting brings some added clarity to the situation but I promise you all these feelings are totally natural.
Good luck xxxxx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

I feel completely insane with stress at the moment at the overwhelming decision we are going to make so I am sure what you are feeling is normal!


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## Blueboo (Feb 11, 2012)

This is my first post but I just had to reply as it was so reassuring to read that someone else is feeling exactly the same as me! I think my SW is really put out that I am not jumping for joy about our link to 2 little boys, but it has all happened so quickly is is quite daunting. You are spot on about making such a huge decision based on pieces of paper and other people's opinions. Even if you were getting a pet you'd go and look at it first. The part about it suddenly being real also hit home with me, during all the training and home study everything is all theoretical, it doesn't feel related to your own life, then all of a sudden it's about real live children living in your house with you. It's hard to take in. I actually don't think there is enough talk about the matching process during the training. 
Hopefully it will all fall into place when we meet our little ones but I am with you, it's super scary!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Yes, it's very strange.  And sometimes you feel a connection, and sometimes you don't.  I don't think there's any correlation between a connections at matching and successful placements.    I can remember being completely ecstatic, because from first reading a few sentences of his A4 flyer we KNEW him as if we'd always been waiting for him (which I think we had) and at the same time completely terrified, not that we wouldn't like or bond with him, but that I just wouldn't be a good mum.

It's bonkers.  People with no experience of adoption are frankly horrified we don't meet them first, until you point out how damaging that could be.  

And personally I think going to meet YOUR CHILD is easier and carries less risk of failure with it than going to meet a child you might make yours.  The mind set and mental approach are just different.  But I can see that blind viewings work, too.

At the end of the day, children aren't cars, houses or washing machines.    And neither are parents.  In effect, the child is choosing you, too, but has other adults to act for them.  I wonder how we'd feel if the children had to come and 'view' us to see if they would suit.

However, your SW is bonkers and wants a slap upside the head.  The notion of matching without names or pics is, frankly, to me, barbaric.  It was made plain in our prep training that while it wasn't okay to change a name (or an appearance?!) because you didn't feel comfortable with it, it WAS okay to turn down a match on that basis, because it meant that wasn't the right match for you!

I think you're entirely right to get your SWer to visit.  A very smart choice to make!    Good luck!


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

AoC

I agree as I mentioned earlier that going to 'view' potential matches simply isn't on due to the damage it could well do to the LOs. We have now seen a good few photos of the boys and do genuinely feel that we are the right match for them, we really hope that the adults who made us their choice on the boys behalf made the right one! 

The real point that I was making was that I just didn't expect the whole process of matching to feel, well at times weird! As blueboo mentioned I do feel that we could have been doing with a little more time being spent on explaining the matching part of adopting at our training. 

Even after approval it would have been beneficial for our SW to just go over all that was about to unfold. However, our SW took it for granted that because we were very self informed adopters we just knew about matching! 

On the other hand it's such a difficult process to generalise about to others as for everyone it's individual and subjective. 

I was just a little taken a back at the enormity of the decision at hand and the fact that in many respects it just didn't feel real! I am definately taking comfort in the fact that were not alone, I was a bit worried I was being a bit  

DH and I are now getting our heads around the whole process and are beginning to feel very comfortable and confident of our decision to proceed with the match. Here's hoping the matching panel say yes now


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm totally with you - it's completely weird and feels very out-of-control at times.  Hang on in there, you're doing great.  

Our prep course was split into three days and then another day later on, which covered placement and the adoption order.... I rather think having two days on the assessment process, and then near approval panel two days on matching and placement would have been more helpful.


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