# Telling a child its from an anonymous donor abroad



## kerenlyn1 (Mar 25, 2010)

Hi

I am thinking about becoming a recipient for donor eggs.  I am thinking about going abroad due to waiting lists here as I am nearly 44 and am worried about being really old by the time I eventually have success with a pregnancy and become a parent.  

I am definitely in favour of telling the child and close family about receiving donor eggs to conceive, but I worry that when the child grows up they will have the knowledge they are donor conceived, but will not have any chance to contact the donor and find out about half siblings etc as the donation is anonymous.

I would really like to hear from those of you who have gone abroad for donor eggs and how you feel about telling your child, if thats what you decide to do, and the fact that your child will not ever be able to trace their genetic origins.

look forward to hearing  your thoughts.

Keren


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Kerenlyn1
If you are thinking of going abroad for egg donation simply because of waiting lists you might like to know that there are several clinics in the UK where the wait is under a year...sometimes well under a year.  You can wait that long for a donor at many clinics abroad these days.  

You might be interested to know that the main topic at DC Network's last national meeting was The Big Questions when Going Abroad for Egg Donation.  The transcripts of talks from two parents who have children (now young school age) conceived in Spain and a donor conceived adult who brought the perspectives of a range of other donor conceived people as well as herself, are available in our latest Journal, available to members from today.  Do join us if you would like to read these articles and also have contact with many parents who have been abroad, and like you, have worried about issues of anonymity and how a child might feel in the future.  Of course, no children actually conceived abroad are yet old enough to tell us how they feel and we really won't know anything at all until a good number of them have grown up and start doing so...but we do know a lot about the importance of early telling as being protective and about building resilience in children to withstand life's imperfections.
Have a look at our website and consider becoming a part of the world's largest Network of families by donor conception.
Olivia


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## Millie25 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi Kerenlyn,

Just thought I would pop on and let you know about our treatment, I too want to be completely open about our situation and the fact that we had to use a donor egg.

We went to the London Women's Clinic, and only had to wait about 3 months to be matched with a donor, and had a successful cycle within 6 months of registering with them. 

I did enquire with a few clinics in Spain first, but by the time we were able to get out there for an appointment the wait was working about the same.

Good luck with your decisions!

x

xx


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
I have nearly 8 month old twins. I intend to be open with them. I have kept all the emails organising my cycle, took lots of photos including of the clinic, and kept a tx diary.I even bought some presents for them.  

I went abroad for several reasons - the success rates are higher with younger donors without any medical problems ( I havent got anyone who could be a known donor in the uk ) and i did a tandem cycle, which is not available in the uk. I had a lovely time abroad - a holiday away from the stress of daily life, without work phoning me up etc.

I am aware my children may resent the fact that i took from them the chance to know their donor. However, even in the uk, there is no requirement on donors to keep their information up to date with HFEA - and no guarantee that HFEA will even exist by the time they turn 18. I will deal with that should it happen. In the meantime, I have already started telling them their story. I want it to be something they have always known, rather than something they ' find out' about.

I hope you get a good outcome, wherever you decide to go.


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## kerenlyn1 (Mar 25, 2010)

Hi Mierran,

Thanks for posting your thoughts.  You have a point re: requirement on donors to keep their info up to date and your point about HFEA made me think, especially with the Government talking about disbanding it.

What is tandem cycling - do they put embryos back that are from your OEs and the DEs?

Thanks Olivia for your advice about DCN - yes I have been on there and seen the 2 articles you talked about.  It is a very helpful site.

Hi Millie - it would be interesting to know when you went to the Women's Clinic - when there was a 3 mth waiting list.

Thanks

Keren


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## Millie25 (Jun 8, 2010)

We registered with them in september, 2010. We were told originally 6 - 9 months, but were first contacted about a match at the end of november, but it did not work out.

Got another match in december, and had treatment in february.

As long as you are comfortable that you are making the best decisions for your family. You are more likely to get younger better quality eggs abroad, but then with egg share in the uk you can also be choosey about who you accept, based on age, past fertility etc.

I did feel it was important to be able to give any child the opportunity to trace its genetic history if they so wanted. But can completely understand the advantages of going abroad.


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi kerenlyn
So glad you have found our site useful.  The articles I mentioned are NOT on there as they have only just come out in our Journal.  They will not be on the site for a few months yet.
For everyone's information, most of the functions of the HFEA are likely to be taken over by the Care Quality Commission, but not fully until 2013.  The Register will stay intact (it would take legislation to change this and no-one has should suggested that it should go) and be available to access by all interested parties.  A working group is currently making sure that the new body continues to collect all the information a DC adult is likely to need and has in place appropriately qualified staff to respond to approaches from DC adults and parents.  The working group will also recommend that a process is put in place to make sure that it is easy for a donor to change information about him/her in years following donation.  Clinics will have a responsibility to remind donors that they should change information, particularly about their health status, over the years.  We can only hope that this will happen.
Olivia


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi kerenlyn,

I've cycled at LWC in London, been on the waiting list at CRM in London and also cycled at Reprofit in the Czech Republic. I waited ca 6 months for a match at LWC, a similar amount of time at CRM. I went ahead with LWC because they offered me a donor just before CRM. Unfortunately that cycle was a BFN. I went abroad after that for 2 reasons: cost (thinking I may need more than 1 more cycle and simply not being able to afford UK prices for that) and success rates (generally a little higher abroad as young donors are used vs the older egg sharers in the UK)

In all honesty I wanted an ID release donor, hence my attempt in the UK, but when it came down to it, I wanted a family most of all and if going abroad was the best chance of achieving that, then so be it. Like mierran I am intending to make this story something my twins know from very early on rather than something they are 'told' at some point in later life. I'm single so questions around 'daddy' may well start earlier anyway...
Who knows whether my boys will resent the lack of donor information, or whether perhaps they simply won't be very interested one way or another. Only time will tell. As their mother it will be my role and responsibility to help them deal with their feelings on this, whatever they are

That said, if you definitely want an ID release donor and the only barrier is waiting time, then sign up with some UK clinics for sure as I think you'll find similar wait times at many of the popular overseas clinics 
Best of luck
Suitcase
x


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## lucymorgan (Nov 2, 2007)

Hi,  I am thinking about this quite a lot at the moment as I have a gorgeous son from a DE cycle in Greece.  Although everything is anoymonous I would like to try and find some link so that if he ever when he is older wants to find his siblings (I know he has them) or his genetic mum he can. I am sure that on the clinic board on ff there are some women who may have had the same donor and I also know I could let the clinic know that I am open to this and provide some way they can / if they want create a link.  Its not for me, i'm okay without having any of this, but i'd like to keep the doors open for my son.  I havent really voiced this before as I feel like maybe its improper as i went abroad and its anoymous and maybe i should just accept my decision has this consequence.  

Lucy Mxx


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## Fertilitychallenged (Jun 16, 2010)

I live "abroad" (but for me Sweden is of course "home" - hence my sometimes weird English) and I also went abroad for my tx as it's still prohibited to treat singles here. Double donor is completely banned.

I had doubts when I went from id-release spermdonor in Denmark to anonymous spermdonor, my main concern was actually the fact that the donors in Sweden are id-release which would give my child a different background from most donorconcieved here. And society is REALLY against anonymous donor here, the political climate does not leave any room for discussion... But in fact the waitinglists are so long here, and so many people does not fit the requirements - so at the moment it is fairly possible that there are more children conceived abroad than at home. Most of which with an anonymous donor.

When I went over to embryodonation I had most of my concerns dealt already. Some by thinking it over during my shift of spermdonors, some was time itself. 2 years ago I found it strange to even consider dd, now I've loved and lost a son who was utterly and completely mine - genetics didn't matter.

But yes, I'm planning to tell the child. I'm planning to start weaving it into the bedtimestories so it can become a part of life the child has "always known" so as to avoid it to be a shocking reveleation later in life. I am also part of a big Swedish community of mothers or mothers to be via clinic (both spermdonor and dd) which I hope will give the child other children to reflect itself in and if an when questions regarding background will arise, they also have the possibility to discuss this with eachother. In the community most of the children meet other donorconcieved children regularly from a very early age. In my network there are also a few other families made via double donor, which I hope will be valuable in the future.


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Dear Fertilitychallenged,

Sorry to barge, but I looked at your very sad history and was worried about you going into another cycle without extensive miscarriage testing.

Is this kind of testing something you have already had? I would really recommend it, as to lose a pg so late is often a sign of some systemic issue (e.g. clotting disorder, infection, thyroid issues, uterine problems etc).

I would really recommend testing asap before moving on if you can.

There is lots of info. about testing on this thread, and your GP may be able to run the basic tests for you as well:-

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=52.0

Best to you,
Daisy
x


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## Fertilitychallenged (Jun 16, 2010)

No worries... Since I am in a position as an "outlaw" here (as treatment for singles are prohibited in Sweden) it's always been problematic to even get the simplest tests done. But as I was pregnant and within the system this last time, they have actually done an investigation into why I lost him - and also trying to conclude why I kept miscarrying early when I went with my own eggs. Not all the results are in, but I have an appointment with the hospital Monday. Since most of the tests were done during my stay at the hospital my mind wasn't completely right so I don't know exactly what was done. I know I was tested for APS (since I stopped taking aspirin - as protocolled - a week before he died) and Factor V (although that has been done before) and that they did both fetal and maternal chromosomes (the latter is somewhat cloudy why they did as it was not my eggs) as well as some infections. They also did an autopsy of the placenta and fetus. The results from the placenta will wait for another 2 months though - but when the dr called to confirm sex she said they had to discuss the rest of the chromosomal analysis with me as there were "findings". Also I was called in to redo some of the infections testings which I guess means something came back positive at the time of miscarriage... So it leans towards me being freakishly unlucky on top of actually being infertile (I'm hormonally going towards POF it seems, this didn't show in blood until last summer but could have caused my bad embryos earlier). I know not many chromosomal anomalies survive past 12th week and usually they would be viable then but together with infection I guess it could be lethal... I guess I'll know more next week...


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

You have been through so much.  I really feel for you.  It is good that they are trying to find answers for you, and I hope the test results will clarify things for you.

It may be an idea to take aspirin throughout your next pregnancy on a just in case basis as this is a basic treatment for clotting issues.  If they would prescribe blood thinners like clexane in addition, this might also be a wise approach for extra peace of mind...

Once again, I am so sorry for all you have been through.  This journey can be so tough and you have to fight your corner in the face of so much heartbreak.

I am a single mum of donor embryo conceived twins (age 46 then) who are now 4 (I'm now 51!).  I had 6 miscarriages before being diagnosed with clotting and autoimmune issues.  Treatment was steroids and clexane which resulted in a live birth.

If you don't find answers in Sweden, is there any possiblility of you seeking a consultation with a specialist in the UK??

I hope you can find success very soon.

Daisy
xxxx


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

FC, I just wanted to send you a big hug. I'm so sorry you lost your baby boy on top of all the sad losses before. i hope you will get some answers that will bring closure, if that's possible, and mean you can cycle again with some confidence lightening won't strike again.

xx


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