# What I've done re the family christmas.



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi,

Just thought I'd let you know that I feel very liberated   by being up front about why the idea of a family Xmas is a nightmare this year.

You will all understand when I explain that my brother will be there with his wife of 20 months and their baby of just a couple of weeks - it's due in early December and is going to be my parents' first grandchild. People who have been around for a while may remember that my mum has been tactless in looking about for sympathy cos she isn't a grandmother IN FRONT OF ME!!!!   Ive always told her to stop worrying and wait for my brothers to finally settle down. Now that's all been happening in the last 2 years. My other brother and his fiance will also be there and they are very focused on planning a future with a family. Also this is SiL having a baby who told me she knew how I felt cos she had a fertility problem too (was it one or 3 months they had been trying?)   Ironically she must have been pg when she said this. Then she kept telling me how sick she was of being sick, and giving me way too much detail re scans, etc. 

I told my mum I could not get to the family reunion at my parents' home in Spain at Xmas cos i had nobody to look after my horses. My family seemed to think I would be really sorry not to be there! (Have they no imagination?!!!)

My overly bossy stepfather then destroyed my polite reason for saying I would not be coming. He managed to track down the daughter of a friend of his who lives near me and offered to pay her to do the horses (she apparently is a single parent and needs the money.) I said thanks, but I didn't want someone I did not know to be competant to do it. He said I should be putting a family Xmas before the horses, telling me I am selfish, poor mother wants you all with her .......P and J want a family Xmas with the baby...J and J coming too....special year.....blah blah. 

Well I thought, people just don't always get what they want do they?    I asked if anyone had considered that I might just want not to be stuck in somebody else's house with everyone focused on a new baby for a whole week, with not even a room to escape to? (I would be on the sofa.) I pointed out that Xmas is a difficult enough time for me already as I have had 2 miscarriages at Christmas and the results of 2 failed IVF cycles other years and have told them before that this has left me feeling very bah-humbug about the whole Xmas thing. 

I was quite angry that they had not considered this and were trying to organise my life for me.   So I  rubbed it in a bit and said it was hard enough going shopping for a baby present and even worse folding it up and putting it in a parcel to send away when all I wanted was to have my own baby to buy clothes for. I pointed out that if that had been tough, what on earth would a whole week be like? I said  we would all be better off if I did not come as they could relax and make a big fuss of the baby without worrying about upsetting me. (Not that they would have worried!) That has shut them up!

I know I will feel sad at Christmas, even sadder this year as I imagine all of them without me. But I am definitely better off not going. And at least they know why, even if they don't understand!

Another quiet year for me and DH then, and we will be treasuring each other's company.

Love Jq xxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Crikey JQ, can't believe you were practically being bullied into attending the christmas gathering even though you had said you couldn't make it! Your FIL sounds like a right parcel!

As you have shown some people simply never *get it* do they... am glad you were able to spell it out to him, I hope it hasn't come at too much of a personal cost as in raking up old emotions and feelings - grrr - sometimes I wonder why we have to go to such lengths to protect ourselves though when christmas is supposed to be a time of peace and love... you work hard, why should you leave your precious horses or subject yourself to your family (whom are from what I can gather from previous things you have said about them as supportive and understanding as a gnats chuff) when you can have a christmas you want with your DH in the comfort of your own surroundings! Argh! Not much to ask is it?

Your mum has all year to see you if she wants to hon doesn't she?

Massive  winging their way to you

Love
Emcee xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

You sock it to em Jq!!! I'm proud of you for speaking up. It is true that they may still not understand - but what else can you do? We have always managed to keep our distance from relatives with babies at Christmas - but unlike you we have never been given the third degree. Awful. But you stood your ground - and that it good. You have marked your boundary and people need to respect that. Maybe they will in time if you are consistent. I hope you and hubby have a quiet, peaceful Christmas doing the things that make you happy. Don't waste any guilt on not being with your family - why be a martyr? You've been through enough. 
Lots of love,
Bernie xxx


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Well done Jq (and welcome back!)  

I think its fantastic that you said extcly how it its. Sometimes people care about us deeply but lack the imaginiation to put themselves in our shoes (like my lovely but maddening cousin too!) I think with people like this its no good relying on them putting 2 + 2 togthere cos it just won't happen and it just has to be said in balck and white, no uncertain terms etc. Its the only way some people will even think of it. I wish I could be as brave as you about it.

Hoping very much for you that everyone will be more sensitive to your feelings, and understanding about why you need to retreat at this time of year.

HUGE hugs to you hun and so glad to see you back.

E xxx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thank you darlings!

Your caring replies show just why I have missed you!  

Don't worry, I feel no guilt and long ago realised that my parents and oldest brother (who i love nonetheless) are amongst those who will never really get it! They seem to think that enough time has gone by for me to act like a gracious maiden aunt and fall in with their plans. They do not realise that anniversaries and Xmas can be really tough for people in our shoes. Maybe more so when anniversaries and Xmas overlap. I know it would have been easier if the first of my own brothers' children had not arriived at Xmastime. I know my parents and brother have probably forgotten my anniversaries and it was in anycase not planned this way. But they will just have to wait for me to visit them all in Spain in the spring, as i promised before they started to expect me at Xmas.

Time does indeed make things easier - for me this means I have learnt to stand up for myself in this way. It is worth persevering if only because you find you can do so without guilt, even if it does not change the ways others behave in the long run. 

Another thing that I have told my "blood" family is that I cannot feel the excitment they expected of me at the thought of becoming an aunt - I pointed out that I am an aunt 9 times over on DH's side, a godmother to a dear friend's child, and now a great aunt too! Both my mum and brother's reaction showed that they had forgotten this! (In all fairness I have to say that being an aunt to DH's nieces and nephews was not a trial as most were born before or about the time we met and the one born a bit later came before we realised we were unlikeley to have a child.)

Better news: my dearesr SIL on DH's side has recently become the first grandparent of our generaton in DH's family. She acknowledged how hard it must have been for me to shop for her daughter's/my favourite neice's new baby. SiL acknowledged that she had just realised that i was facing being left out of the grandparents' club! I am looking foward to seeing her tomorrow.

LOL 2 u all  

Jq xxx

ps Am i the ony person whocnno access "more" smileys?  











It may sound wierd, but I am upset about my own mum not aknowledging that not being able to become a grandmother is tough. In a way it feels worse than having to deal with the fact that after all these years my brother will become a dad.


----------



## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Hey JQ,

No I don't think it does sound wierd about your mum's non aknowledgement of the fact you won't be a grandparent. I suspect that as with most people's reaction to our inability to have children, they just never consider how hard it is for us because it is all so easy for them and the questions and heartache that we face just doesn't occur to them. I don't think they actively try to be mean but people just get so tied up in their own lives they just don't think how it feels to be in our situation. 

Perfect example of this for me was my sister a few weeks ago. She is normally very empathetic to our situation but phoned me to tell me that she and her dh had just been asked to be godparents to some friends daughter. This absolutely blew me apart because if I had been able to have children she should have been my child's godmother first and I don't want her to be godmother to some other random child when I can't give her a niece or nephew to be godmother of.

I told her so but now I look back at what I have written it seems as though I was a stupid child having a tantrum over nothing!  

That said we can't help but be sad for what we will never have or be that we long for. Unfortunately I think that this is one of the hardest things to bear with IF - it feels like we stand outside looking in at a perfect scene, something we will never be part of and I struggle with that all the time. 

I guess before the IF we looked forward and imagined what our future might be. What the different roles in our lives would be - daughter, sister, friend, aunt, partner, wife, mother, grandmother and for us the last two won't happen, it is a big chunk of hope and dreams gone, but I guess all we can do is to be the best we can be at the other things.

I genuinely try to be that. My life has to have some meaning and if I can't be a great mum then I want to be the best I can be at my other roles.

JQ I am sorry I seem to have gone off on one. It sounds like your SIL is a lovely person. I hope you had a great time with her today.

You take care honey.

Love 

VT
xx


----------



## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

JQ   hunny ..you deserve a special Christmas doing what you want to do ..hope you get it hunny xx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Thanks for more replies.

WLABC, I am sure DH and I will havea loving time. Hope you have something to look forward to as well. XXX

VT, I am sorry to hear how sad you felt to hear that your sister was soon to become a godmother to a child not yours. It does not sound like a tantrum at all, but a natural reaction that many of us here will totally understand. I think it was good that you felt able to explin this to your sister, as she has usually been understanding, I expect she will have listened and le arnt some more about just how difficullt this IF journey can be. I believe that if we can be honest with the people we are close to and are able to listen to each other about the important things, we can stay close even if our lives take different paths. Thanks for wishing me a good time with my SiL. It was great to see her. She brought with her a photo album given to her by her daughter and son in law who just had a baby. She told me she had it but waited to be asked to show it to me.(Sounds awful, but I waited till "Strictly come Dncing" was over!)  It was lovely to see the photos of my favourite neice and first grandneice and i look foward to seeing them all soon. 

Thanks for reading and replying everyone. Jq xxx


----------



## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

I read that and didn't realise you were talking to me and spent a few mins trying to work out what wlabc meant      thanks hunny   x

Cat x


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

So did I LOL!


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Sry grls! I tnd to use abrvatns! Like my sig! Jq xxx


----------



## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thats ok hunny .. I was just having a   moment lol


----------

