# Don't know what to do



## ALWAYSWISHING (Nov 6, 2011)

Hi, ive just joined this forum, I had my first son at 18, im 35 now and split up with his father  not long after.  I met my DH six years ago, he told me straight away that he had a vasectomy but I was so caught up in the relationship I thought I could deal with it.......... I can't.

I have spent the last few years in tears, begging DH to have a reversal,on a few occasions he has agreed only to change his mind.  I'm really struggling at the min, can't bear to see baby's or watch anything on tv, my step daughter is having a baby and my sister is planning another next year, I don't know how I can get through this.

I've had periods where I really resent DH and am really really mad at him, I can't understand why he can't do this one thing for me, if the situation was reversed I would have done it for him without a moments thought.  He has made the point that he does not want any more children and is happy with just me and him.

So where do I go from here, do I give my dream up, but don't think I can.  Do I keep pushing for a reversal or treatment, not even sure that we can afford this.  I know I should be grateful for the DS I have and I am, but it doesn't take the pain away.

Sorry for rambling but it hs felt good to get it off my chest
x


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## Bubblicious (Jul 8, 2010)

Alwayswishing, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in the situation you're in. I'm not good with relationship advice [real-life Bridget Jones until I met DH] but I didn't want to read and run.

I understand your pain at not having something you really want. Although I know we are lucky to have DC already, it does not mean that you don't long for something that you still feel is missing.

However, before embarking on this cycle of treatment [and knowing it could fail], I actually came to some peace and some level of acceptance about only having DS. I have felt SO low, like you, SO devastated but somehow [and don't ask me how] I realised that I had "wasted" over two years, perhaps not being the Mummy I wanted to be to my gorgeous DS because I was so preoccupied with this desire. So I kind of said, "what will be will be".

Okay, we are not in the same situation and I won't be patronising and say I know exactly how you feel. But I just hope you find some peace because feeling like this is no good for the soul. Sending you .


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## bangles (Nov 4, 2009)

Always, I would put it this way.  You don't have to use his sperm to have another baby.  You could use donor sperm, either here or abroad, and have another baby on your own.  

Now I'm not saying this is what you should definitely do, but I want to stress that the way things are, you must feel powerless to determine your own fate, if you think he is your only option for another baby.  

I have often observed that in our house, where dh and I disagree strongly about a decision which is a yes/no, 50/50, one or the other decision, the person who wins is always the one who is advocating the status quo, but that is not necessarily fair.

For instance, if a couple argues about whether or not to get a dog, one says yes, one says no, there won't be a dog.  If they argue about moving house, one wants to, one doesn't, they stay put.  The person who wants to change the status quo is always at a disadvantage.  And in your case, short of drugging dh and putting him in for surgery without him realising (!) there is absolutely nothing you can do about having the vasectomy reversed.

Your dh knows that if he digs his heels in, he will get what he wants - you staying with him, and no baby.  You have tried every which way to persuade him, you feel angry and upset that he will not do this thing for you, but there is nothing you can do.

So you have a choice.  You can either accept that he has won on this one, and there will be no baby.  Maybe in time you will get over this.  Maybe it will be alright.  Perhaps the wanting will go away.  OR, this will remain an open, seething wound that never heals.  You will question whether someone who could be this selfish could ever really have loved you.  You will get to an age where it is too late to have children and you will bitterly resent him.  This anger and resentment will ultimately destroy your relationship.

Which of these two scenarios seems most likely?  Only you know yourself well enough to guess.

You have to decide whether you are going to bow under and accept his view OR up your game.

If you up your game, you will have to tell him that you are not prepared to spend the rest of your life regretting not trying for a second child.  You will have to explain to him that his attitude will ultimately destroy the relationship anyway, so perhaps it's better to split amicably.  Tell him that you understand he doesn't want another child, but that he has no more right to expect that the status quo will continue just because he says 'no', than you have to force a child on him which he doesn't want.  He may think that as 'guardian of the sperm' he has the final say, but mention donors and he doesn't.

He will have to go away and realise you mean business and decide for himself whether a future with you AND a baby is better than a future without you.  It is a game of brinkmanship.  He may cave in and agree to give having a baby a go, or he may walk away from you, but you will be free to have fertility treatment and make your own decisions.  It's the risk you take.

I know that some people would label this blackmail, but it could be that he is kidding himself that this 'wanting a baby' is just going to go away.  He has a clear choice under these circumstances, but in the first place, you have to make your choice - which is do you want this baby badly enough to risk your relationship? and if the outline above fills you with horror because your relationship is not up for debate, then you probably need to accept defeat.

I'm sorry I can't think of an easier way, but this is the only way you can take power in these circumstances.  Good luck with whatever you decide.  B xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## ALWAYSWISHING (Nov 6, 2011)

Just a quick update, had a horrible few days where I didn't think i would ever stop crying, one person close to me is due to give birth any day and my sister announced she was pregnant.  I was dreading Christmas as couldn't cope with all the baby talk, ive been rowing with my dh.

today I've had the best news ever, dh is willing to go for a reversal and asap,  I know there is no guarantee but at least there is now some hope x


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## Mazza1971 (Aug 19, 2009)

Dear Alwayswishing,

Good luck with your DH's reversal and I hope that next year you are announcing your


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