# This is me



## Matisse (Mar 31, 2006)

I am feeling so bad at the moment. We have been TTC for 20 months and had a BFN from our first cycle of Clomid the day after my brother and his wife heard that they had a BFP – they have been TTC for just 6 months, lucky them. My DH and I are really close to my brother and his wife but this has just torn me in two. I am shocked at how much of a mess I have become in the space of a week – I think it is fair to say that I am usually absolutely in control of most situations.
I have felt pretty crap about our situation for several months but my ‘Disease to Please’ has caused me to mask it all with a really happy brave face. I think now the true horror has been unveiled no-one knows what to do (because, needless to say, they can’t say anything right!).
I haven’t seen my brother/sister-in-law since they told me and I am terrified of my response at family gatherings with all the cooing and excitement ahead. I would be more socially acceptable if I could just say that I am pleased for them, but I’m not sure that I am. Does that make me a bad person?
On the one hand, I don’t want to be involved in fertility treatment but on the other we have tried the “natural” approach. I also have to consider DH (who is just about the most supportive person I could ever wish for) in all of this and he is sure ‘we can win this’.
I am now on a double dose of Clomid (hence the non-stop tears?) but have lost faith. I suspect I need to accept our situation and move on (that is what I would say if I was reading this!).
So, that’s me.


----------



## Pickle_99_uk (Dec 12, 2005)

Hiya, 

I just want to say welcome to FF and I hope it helps.  I find it incredibly supportive.  Its very hard to be around people with  bfp, when thats all we want.  I'm sure most people on here can empathise with that.  best of luck with treatment.

Tracy xx


----------



## zanne.. (Mar 22, 2006)

Hi,

welcome to FF i'm sure it will help you it has me. 
We have been ttc for 4.5 years and in that time most of our friends have had BFP it is hard to deal with at times but somehow you cope. It doesn't make you a bad person for feeling like you do.  

Hang in there   

Zxx


----------



## *Mel* (Mar 20, 2005)

Hi Matisse-Welcome to ff.We are almost neighbours(i live in colchester) No it does make you a bad person. I always say that I'm not sad cause someone pregnant-I'm sad because I'm not.  What tests have you and your dh had done? I assume that your not ovulating hence the clomid? Anyway good luck and best wishes with your journey of ttc-we are all here to support and give advise to you. Take care.Mel***

Sending you some


----------



## Matisse (Mar 31, 2006)

Thank you for your messages, I feel better already!
Mel, I am a bit confused by the prescription of Clomid as our initial tests (bloods and SA)showed that we were both 'normal' and therefore have 'unexplained subfertility'. On my first course of Clomid I made one large follicle and I suspect they weren't too impressed by this as they have doubled my dose from now on. 
I need to ask more questions I think ....
Emma


----------



## *Mel* (Mar 20, 2005)

Hi Matisse-I'm no expert but i thought they only gave clomid if you weren't ovulating? So it maybe worth finding out why you are taking it(there maybe a reason i don't know about) Where are you being seen at? Hope you have had a good weekend. Mel***


----------



## ~SUGAR~ (Mar 25, 2006)

Hi Matisse,

First of all I want to give you a great big   and tell you I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's so so hard when those around you fall pregnant so easily when you are struggling. The world just becomes this place full of pregnant women and babies. How you're feeling is perfectly normal, I know this cos I too feel the same, and have read comments from many many women who feel like it too. You are in no way a bad person, it's just desperation, hun.
Posting here is the best thing you can do. I felt so isolated for such a long time, and like you, felt at the point of losing it. But getting the support from my friends here is making a real big difference. I'm just starting an IVF cycle and feel so much more able to cope going into this one than I ever have before, and I know it's because of this website. 
There may be more hard times ahead, but you can and you will be strong enough to cope. Even on your worst days, you'll be able to pick yourself up afterwards and carry on because you know you can never stop until you get your goal of a beautiful little baby. And through all those times, good and bad, there'll always be friends here with you on every step of the way.
 with everything, and don't put extra pressure on yourself to face your brother and his wife until you are ready. If they're sensitive enough, they'll understand, and if they're not, well they'll get over it!
Be as selfish as you need to until you feel strong enough. 
Sending lots of     and   your way. Stay strong chick,
Love Jo Sugar x


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi matisse
welcome to ff
i had clomid 1st cycle i got my BFP nut lat had m/c but this wasnt due to clomid is was because ive got FVL which clotts my blood 
had 3more cyclesof clomid no ovulation and bad side effects
im now on tamoxifen which has started to work although ive been waiting 21mths for a BFP
i had an ectopic in 2003 te same wk i got my BFP my DB and SIL got their BFP at the same time then i had the ectopic  and whilst i was in hospital they found out they were having twins 
i felt sick to my stomach
there was me i had lost by baby and they had been given another 1it was so unfair
DB & SIL knew how bad i felt although i did try to b happy for them i tried not to let it show how bad i felt ,wen they had the babies i tried so hard to make a fuss of the babies every time i saw them to cover up how bad i felt but inside i was dying
now i love having the girls but they now ahave a baby sister aswell who is 11wks old ive had the baby over nite once i loved having her but wen she went home i was gutted i had had the tast ov having a baby for the nite having the sleepless nite and going to work half dead but i loved it 
even though i try to but a brave face on  how i feel i think they see right through me 
like u i have a very close relationship with DB  & SIL  they r very good as they understand how hard i find putting a brave face on and they try so hard not to rub it in 
i find that bonding with their children really has helped keep me sane
it just cost me a fortune wen they are with me coz my nieces and nethews know that i am gonna spoil them they all take it in turn to stay at my house ,(i end up skint )
good luck in ttc and make the most of the baby wen it arrives i understand how hard it is 
but just try and remember how bad ur DB  & SIL feel wen they know wot u are going though 
feel free to msn me or email me wen ever u want to chat ,windge or just have a gossip if it helps to cheer u up bubbles and baby dust coming ur way for luck and support
     
take care steph


----------



## emma.b (Mar 27, 2006)

Matisse and welcome to FF. I can understand how you are feeling. Me and my dh have been ttc for two years, his SA was not good and I am having a lap and dye on Tuesday. It's so hard when you find out people close to you are pregnant when you so desperatley want to be but when your time comes it will be worth the wait. As a health visitor I know lots of women who have tried for over two years and then became pregnant naturally, so don't lose hope. Sending you a big 
emma.b


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi Hun and welcome to FF.. 

The whole infertility thing is a hard journey and it doesn't make you a bad person at all to feel upset by someone elses BFP.. Everyone handles things differently, I cannot bear to see babies and pregnant women I dont know!  Yet my sister has two tiddlers under 2 and I love them to bits - I ruin them! (and get told off by my dh and sister for doing so!) It doesn't hurt me to see them, but sometimes when I catch sight of myself pushing the pram in a shop window it makes me feel really sad that it isn't my baby in it!  But, I wouldn't be without the joy those two kids bring me for anything.. Partly, you're probably just experiencing some shock cos you've just found out about them and hopefully you'll feel better about their pregnancy soon..

We're having ICSI at Manchester cos DH has abysmal SA, so I do understand what a nightmare this situation can be.. this site is really useful though and the women on it are angels, they can support you through just about anything..

Good luck.. And give yourself a break for being upset, it's normal to feel gutted when someone else has achieved something you long for so much 

Take care Hunny

Amanda x


----------



## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi matisee and a huge welcome to ff - looks like u have been made very welcome already  

I know exactly how u feel hun - me and my hubby had been ttc for a yr which was the same time as my hubbys sister and her hubby had been ttc when she fell pregnant - it really did hurt me but i tried to pick myself up and carry on with life - the baby was born etc and it felt ok when we visited them but yes it hurt so much at family gatherings and that and i was really annoyed when me and hubby got married and she was flaunting her 20 week bump in the photos - it wasnt her day but mine and hubbys.

Like u i am always trying to please ppl and put a brave face on all the time but something u learn after ttc for 3 yrs is that ppl dont really care how u are feeling unless they understand your situation and i have started to think about myself and if someone pipes up about babies etc i say what i think - yes its harsh on them but they have to know how u feel.

Good luck with everything and dont let ppl get to u - when it finally happens for u nobody can ever know how much u will appriciate that baby and some ppl in this world who just fall pregnant without trying dont even know they are born themselves as they think having a baby is a pain for them.

Take care

Kate xxxx


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi ladies
im glad u have replied to this message aswell as myself coz now i dont feel like im on my own 
there was a women who worked at my place who had her baby last yr now ive never had much to to with her but she knew all that i had been through and every time she was on shift she would stand up pull her top up and stand there rubbing her tummy whilst talking ,this seemed to be a habbit that she had as she did it all the time but u would think that she would ov took my feelings into account i wouldnt mind if she was at the end of the preg and was and getting pains but she left work wen she was 5mths preg coz she was to tierd and she even used to put her hand on the chair and push her self up all the time doing this she would push her belly out ans she hardly even had a belly i just used to get the feeling she was trying to rub my face in it 
and to top it all she came to work about 3 weeks ago with her baby to show him off to everyone
she came in to c me and it might sound horrible but i wasnt interested i pretended to be very busy and said she had to leave as the manager was on her way in 
i normally try to be happy for other but with her i wanted to rip her head off  
do i sound unfair??
steph


----------



## Matisse (Mar 31, 2006)

You lot are so kind, thank you for making me feel so much better - I hope I can do the same for someone else one day
xx


----------



## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi matisee glad we have made u feel a bit better - we are always here for u  

Hi steph - what a pain is that woman at your work like? Some ppl are like that im afraid and where i work over the last yr around 6/7 ppl have fallen pg and had a baby - one of them had twins naturally so of course it made life a bit uneasy for me although most of them were quite good and know my situation so were good around me. I dont blame u for making yourself busy when she came back in with her baby as i am the same.

I think it depends how ppl are with their pregnancies and their babies around u - one of my friends has just had her 3rd baby - i am his godmother as u can probably tell from my ticker!! She is 6 months older than me and this one was an accident but she has been so good to be throughout her pregnacy by not rubbing it in my face atall and when she was about to drop she kept asking me to meet her and go out but i came up with excuses which i think deep down she knew why i was telling them - then she had the baby and me and hubby went and saw them when he was only a day old and u know something it felt so wonderful to hold him in my arms as she made me feel so important and wanted.

Steph - ppl like that woman at your work are not worth it and u know u are bigger and better than her - think of number 1 for a change as i have and im getting better by the day

Kate xxx


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

There'll be loads of times when you'll be able to help us all out by cheering us up Matisse, I'm sure of that!! 

Steph, some people are just horrid and being preg doesn't make em any better!!!   Dont let someone like her affect you, she'll get her comeuppance one day people always do!  You shouldn't be smug like that cos as my nan always used to say "god doesn't pay his debts in money!!" 

Anyway, look after yourselves ladies..

ttfn Amanda x


----------



## Alona (Apr 2, 2006)

I wish I had this site last year.  My sister and hubby announced their pregnancy in March and I couldn't face either of them for the whole pregnancy.  I realised I am better with people once they have actually had their baby but seeing them pregnant makes me really nauseous, in fact when they made their announcement I lost about 4 pounds in a week throwing up I was in a state.  They had actually split up a few months earlier and the first month they tried she fell. I spent the whole nine months questioning the whole situation, why them? At the same time I felt so guilty and had no-one to talk to as no-one understands unless they are in the same situation.  If my parents said one more time that life goes on and I have to accept it I think I would have screamed! I apparently was spoiling the fact they were looking forward to being grandparents.  I could have been doing with this site then.  But Matisse, on the upside, once my niece was born I saw her a few times when my parents were babysitting and my heart melted, I am now building a relationship with my sister, although my DH is not coping so well and still can't face them.
Sorry for going on but I am just bubbling with emotion just now as I am waiting for 6 April for my first preg test and its driving me crazy.  Hubby went offshore on Fri and no one knows about our transfer 12 days ago so I am now on my own and glad to have found the site.


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hello ALONA 
PLZ tell me wot ur name is as ur not ALONA now u have found us ,i agree with u that it is easier to cope once thay have had the baby but seein someone who is pregnant is so hard it has been 21mths since we lost our last baby and have been ttc again for the last 15mths and nothing is happening so wen i see people who look like they carnt cope with the kids they have got and keep having more it winds me up so much ,
and u mentioned about ur parents saying that life goes on i get it off my mum it winds me up so much ,aslo wen i lost the 1st baby it took along while till i could pull myself together as i had had anectopic ,lost my tube then ruptchured my stomach,i didnt want to look at any babies although it seemed every one i knew was having babies and there had been a few times that i had gone shopping with my mum and i couldnt even look at baby clothes but my mum would go straight to the baby section and hold baby things up asking me if i thought they were ok as she had a few friends with new grandchildren ,and if she bumped into anyof them she would say "come on steph lets go and have a look at the new baby "but i wouls just say "no u go ill go and get wot i need from the other shop but i just always got the feeling that i was getting my nose rubbed in it and by my own mum who i have always been very close to wen i told her how it made me feel she would say im just trying to help u get bak to how u used to be coz u need to snap out of it 
how do we ever go bak to how we were b4 IF problems started taking over our lives 
i must admit i find it a lot easier now but only with people who i am very close to other i judge them all the time ,i know i shouldnt but i carnt help it 
steph


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Steph 

I know exactly where you're coming from.. our next door neighbours are two sisters and one of those has a little boy - he's 2 called Jacob and my blood boils on a daily basis when I hear her screaming and shouting at him, calling him allsorts of names and swearing at him.  Some days my dh worries I will go round and tell her what an ungrateful moo she is!!  Why is it, that ppl who can't appreciate what they've got have kids easily and then there's the likes of us who would cherish and nurture a child and we're on here consoling each other?!   It in't fair is it?! 

TTFN

Amanda x


----------



## Matisse (Mar 31, 2006)

It's so true - I feel under immense pressure to "accept the baby and know that our time will come". I think my parents are in a a difficult position - no doubt they are worrying about me but they don't want me to get so out of control that my brother then gets hurt. Perhaps that is the reason for all the 'pull yourself together' comments.
Anyway, i can hide no longer - off to work xx


----------



## ♥Saila♥ (Mar 27, 2006)

Hi Matisse!! I've been told that I will be prescribed clomid if my dye test comes back ok and at present I have unexplained fertility!! i'm ovulating fine!! I'm sure you are happy for them!! It's just mingled with the sadness that it's not you. I was really bitter when my friend told me she was pregnant and was offish all throughout her pregnancy and I knew it was hurting her but I was hurting too! Anyway she had a horrendous labour!! and I was devastated and the relief when I found out her and her little boy were ok was instantaneous!! I realized then how happy I was for her and although it hurted I still am. I still can't look women with bumps in the eye lol My friend was a terrible bump flaunter as well constantly stroking it!! grrr lol


----------



## Alona (Apr 2, 2006)

Oh my goodness, I too have heard the 'your time will come' and 'pull yourself together' but I had actually hoped that my parents would have had a look on the internet or their numerous medical books (my mother looks up symptoms then develops them) and at least tried to find out about IVF.  I get asked the same questions alot and I am fed up repeating myself and feel they are not listening.  My mum was told she had ME a few years ago(a very mild ME) and I read up as much as I could so I could help her avoid stresses but when the tables are turned my parents are too busy, it leaves me very upset.  When I avoided my sister last year, they were more concerned with what the rest of the family would think and not with how I was feeling and then you get a comment now and again 'we are here if you need us'!!
Steph, you are right Alona is not my name but a name close to my heart.  I have a really unusual name and if I put it on here I know someone I know will recognise it (as there is only one) and this is the only place I am being open about the IVF.  I am petrified someone will know what stage we are at as I am nervous enough about the test on Thursday and couldn't stand it if anyone I knew found out and asked face to face about it.  I feel better talking via a keyboard.  I also know everyone here are in the same position which makes it so much better.


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Alona 

Don't worry we can call you whatever makes you most comfortable.. Different people are comfortable with different levels of openess about their IF and it's what you're comfortable with for you that matters!

Parents are a nightmare, I've read so many posts on here about parents that I'm starting to think it's just a standard response and so now my parents hideous responses don't hurt me anymore!  When we told my mil about our ICSI tx she just sighed and said to my dh "oh well, I might ove known it'd be your fault!!"  I mean, how bad is that?!  She never asks about it, never shows a blind bit of interest!!    So you see, many of us are blessed with families who are completely inept at dealing with something which is so big and life changing for their own kids!  My father's wife objects on religious grounds to ICSI and has a great deal of "pleasure" in sharing her view!!   My reply: "You're entitled to your opinion, you're not entitled to share it with me!!" 

You and your dh are the only people who matter, look out for each other and let all the others look out for themselves!! 

take care

Amanda x


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi ALONA
dont worry about it if u r happy with us calling u this then that is fine and to know how scared u are and the fact that u feel confortable talking to us is great i hope we can feel the support i do from the site if does make a difference

hi Amanda
wot a good reply 
if u dont mind i will use that future 
YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OPINION BUT YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO GIVE IT TO ME 

ILOVE IT
STEPH


----------



## Alona (Apr 2, 2006)

I cannot believe the supportive messages I have received and this is the first day I have been posting here.  My husband is offshore and so glad I am sounding better because I am speaking on this site.  I am so used to negative comments as I mentioned before from family that these positive ones are making me cry, but a nice cry!!  I am usually a very tough person and can deal with any problems, but since we started this IVF last year, even the 'help the animals' adverts on telly have me howling, god these hormones are driving me batty.
I also like that reply Amanda and fully intend using that the first opportunity I get, in fact I wish I had seen it before a visit to my mother's this afternoon.  I was advised IVF was unfortunate but I had to think of everyone else round me and it wasn't fair to have others walking on eggshells by avoiding baby subjects, life goes on....  Sorry to be blunt but at the moment I don't care about everyone else round me, I'm fed up with them, I just want a wee island, with me and hubby!!!


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

u can have all the support u want now 
steph


----------



## suzy (Oct 12, 2003)

Hi Matisse

Reading your post, you sound so upset - I really feel for you, most of us have been there! I think that the majority of people on this board would understand what its like when someone close to us announces a pregnancy and you are trying your utmost to get pregnant. Part of you feels so envious, angry, resentful of them and one of the hardest things, is that these feelings are so  uncomfortable to bear and make you feel like a bad person. And making it more difficult is having to deal with these things when we are pumped full of hormones. So dont' feel bad, its a uniquely difficult thing to deal with adn I think very few people who havent' been through it really get it.

Infertility affects even the strongest of us. Yoru talk of the two of you on a wee island is also very common as its such an isolating experience and you want the pain to end - I've certainly felt all of the above.

Also its a very difficult battle to win because its largely out of your control. And its not as if you can be half there, or on your way, or that by working hard you are more likely to succeed. You can just put yourself out there, try whats available, look after yourself and your husband and see what happens. Everything else in life, I've had more control over.

So I just wanted to give you a big hug and wish you luck.

Suzy


----------



## Alona (Apr 2, 2006)

Thank you for the kind messages, I think I was really down last night as I was convinced I had AF pains when I went to bed, but this morning they are not so bad and I am feeling a bit sick, so I am choosing to think this is a positive sign.  I read back some messages here and felt bad I sound a bit self-centred just going on about myself, how are you all doing?  It is currently snowing here is Aberdeen and I love the snow, it looks so picturesque outside my window, so I am soaking up the positive vibes and sending them out to all of you


----------



## Jada&#039;s Mummy (Apr 3, 2006)

I know exactly how you feel about family members falling pregnant around you. My DP's brother got a girl pregnant after a one-night stand just before Christmas last year. As me and DP have lost a baby at 21w gestation and been ttc last 3yrs no-one wanted to tell us! So we were the last to find out. I was absolutely heartbroken when I found out, I cried for days. My DP has three brothers of which he is the second eldest. We were the first in the family to be expecting a baby, and everyone was overjoyed. Then we lost our baby. We saw him after he was born and named him Ryan. He was fully formed, just smaller than full-term babies.

Anyway, my DP's mother was very supportive and told dad-to-be that I was her main concern. They hadn't planned the preg, thy didn't evn know ea other, yet they decided to keep the baby, and make a go of it. They started living my dream. I couldn't be happy for them at first. There is geographical distance between us, we live in B'ham (where I'm from) the in-laws live in Kent and newly expectants living in Suffolk. 

I couldn't face to see them until DP's mother said they were thinking of asking us to be godparents, so we should see them. I thought this could be the positive that comes from this. So, we met when mother-to-be was 6months preg. I burst out crying, they seemed so happy, nut I knew they would never feel the happiness I would feel as this has been such a struggle for us. I was actually on my 2w break from work visiting the famitl in Kent when the baby was born. I was so glad it was a girl, even though they had had the nerve to tell me they had hoped for a boy! Our baby was a boy, how dare they be so insensitive! I thought you were supposed to hope for a healthy baby, they totally trashed my feelings, but that was because we didn't know the girl having the baby, and DP's brother is insensitive too!! I did fell loads better for seeing them though, I gad to do it for my DP, it was his brother after all, and we're a very close family.

The first family get-together was his aunt's 40th which was held in the family home. I just kept my distance whilst all the attention was on her. I felt forgotten and sad, but I survived. 

All through her pregnancy I convinced myself I would be pregnant by the time the baby was born, I wasn't. We have since found both my tubes are blocked. 

The best way I dealt with it was to force myself to be happy about the situation, in the end I did feel happy for them, you wouldn't wish your infertility on your worst enemy, but what we all go through makes the rewards that much more rewarding, I believe. I separated myself from their situation, this was their pregnancy, their relationship, their happiness. Patience is definitely a virtue, you are forced to become a more patient person.


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Alona

Don't be daft you're not self-centred!  We're all in the same boat, you're having a bad day and we're not, so we're helping you... Watch out for the posts hunny cos we see our consultant again on Monday so I feel sure you'll be able to return the favour soon enough!!   That's how it is on here, the only problem will be when we all feel like poo on the same day and there's no-one to cheer us up! 

I love snow too, we've had some here in Blackpool for the last few weeks but only a bit, nothing to get too excited about.. Scotland must be a lovely place to live compared with here... we need a baby and to move and then we'll be sorted!! 

TTFN and I hope you've built a big snowman!

Amanda x


----------



## Jada&#039;s Mummy (Apr 3, 2006)

Sorry, I didn't finish my earlier message, I got so carried away with the typing, I pressed the wrong key, I still have a lot to learn about these computers!!!

Anyway, when I was talking about being patient, I wasn't telling you what to do!! I hate that, especially when people tell you stupid things about trying to conceive, it only upsets you doesn't it? What I was going on to say was, the situation kind of makes you be patient, you don't have a lot of choice in the matter, but that's what makes it soooo frustrating, having to wait. All we ever seem to do is wait, wait for your period, wait for your drs appt, wait for your hosp appt, wait, wait, wait. It's so horrible, especially as I started this whole thing as an impatient person! This whole process changes you as a person, don't you think?

I hope these messages are helping you, we're all in the same boat, and it's so good to discuss this with people who understand!!

Take care,    Sharon-Louise  xxx


----------



## Alona (Apr 2, 2006)

Sharon-Louise, wow, what a story, I am so sorry for your loss and situation.  I hope all goes well with your IVF and keep us up to date how you are doing.  Another baby in the family too, life sometimes isn't fair.  I often find I am counting to twenty (ten is not enough) due to other's lack of sensitivity, imagine saying in your presence they would have preferred a boy, they have a miracle, a baby!  All of us here would give anything for that.  My sisters baby is 14 weeks old and she is an excellent baby, but I have had to sit through my sister complaining she wishes she had her old life back, can't stand the fact she can't get the amount of sleep she used to have, can't wait to get back to work for some 'me' time and says she would never have another.  What on earth did she expect! I deserve an award for keeping my mouth shut.  My poor DH has to listen to me every time I come back from her house.  I would have her baby in a second, she is beautiful, sleeps six hours a night and is exactly what I would love!!

I also get confused as I feel people going through fertility treatment have to cope with the treatment and be the sensitive ones to all around as THEY feel awkward, and if you don't, as my mother said 'it's a little selfish'.  I don't know how many times I wish I had a punchbag!!

I'm having a wee rant today folks!

Amanda, My snows disappearing... but it's freezing outside.  I'm feeling more positive just now, just forty hours to go until my blood test then the results between 2.30 and 4.30pm the same day, Thurs.  I'm getting jittery now.  Your surrounded by opinionated people too but you have a good attitude.  Hope all goes well with the consultant on Monday.


----------



## Alona (Apr 2, 2006)

Sharon-Louise
I just caught your most recent message, I know what you are meaning about waiting and waiting.  You tell your brain at every step, 'just two more weeks and it's okay'.  The two weeks past and then you are at it again 'just a few more weeks until the next stage'.  I even thought that once your perhaps a few months pregnant you could breath a sigh of relief, but I read your story and that proves that until that wee one is in your arms after nine months and given the all clear, it's never safe.  Mind you, I suppose once they are here too, they are a constant worry from then on.....
Gosh, I must start taking one day at a time as I feel this is like a whirlwind.

I love this fairydust, sending more out to you all

xxx


----------



## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

Hello

I used to post a bit on here but found it depressed me more for some reason but im giving it another try. Im really fed up with the whole IF thing & wish id never started ttc. My MIL p's me off by asking me when my sisters are gonna have babies-to 'take my mind off things', when I tell her she's being insensitive she looks blankly at me and asks why its insensitive! my dad & his new wife had a baby 14 mths ago and I am really starting to think they have 'stolen my turn' although i love my new brother I cant bear to look at pictures cos it breaks my heart to think it should have been me. They are letting us look after him for 3 days in Aug, to be honest I cant face it cos I think they're doing it out of pity but I darent tell anyone not even DH cos hes looking 4ward to it & they might think im being spitefull. I am! but my heart is broken and i need to preserve my sanity ive never felt this much pain in my life and ive been thru some tuff times in the past including my mum dying when i was 12 leaving me to bring up my 2 sisters and deal with my dads alcoholism, ive also had cervical cancer and severe depression but this takes 1st prize, im trying to be positive but ive got nothing left. Sorry this is such a miserable message


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi birdbrain
sorry u felt this thread was depressing and i suppose others reading it may feel the same as u but i feel confort from it as hearing other peoples stories make me realise that im not on my own 
as we all do have depressing days and for me every1 around me must get sick of hearing me go on about the same all the time ,they try to understand but how can they if they havent gone through the same  as wen we have a rant on here it takes the prresure off knowing that no matter wot we want to moan about  noone is going to judge us ,we all have different kind of IF probs but yet we all share the same pain 
i hope wot i have said helps u feel more confortable with the this thread 
sometimes it is good to remember that no matter how bad we are having it that there is always someone on here that has it even worse and yet can still give reasuring advise to others 
i hope u dont think i am i having a go or anything coz im not i just felt for u wen u said u found it depressing although i do understand where u r coming from
but i feel that no matter how we look at it the reality is that IF probs are depressing 
ive had days wen i felt really down and came on the site just to rant and after a few replies felt better 
i really hope you can get some support from here 
feel free to email or msn  me any time even if its just that ur having a bad day and want to moan without anyone judging you for it 
i know wot u meen about family doing things out of pitty but i suppose they think they r helping 
i have a niece who is 11wks old and wen she was just 5wks old i was asked if i would have her for the night as my DB and his GF WANTED A NIGHT as they have 8kids between them 
they have twin girls who r 3yrs and me and DB'S GF were preg at the same time but i had an ectopic 
the day i came out of hospital they found out they were having twins ,so in my eyes i thought it was so unfair i loose my baby and they gain another and yet my DB calls his kids some horrible name and just doesnt appreciate wot he has got although they both do feel really bad reaaly bad wen they are around me as they have been preg twice whilst ive lost my babies and yet they never show their happiness in front of me they wait till ive gone but then on the other had it oh our steph will watch to baby it good practice ,i have to make a joke of it coz i dont want them to think i recent my own niece's as i love them to bits but i do judge the way they do things which i know is wrong of me but wot can i do it just the way i feel
steph


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi Birdbrain

Sorry you're miserable hun... I've spoken to you on here before a few times before..

I dont know if Steph mis-understood your point, I didn't think you were finding this thread miserable more you felt depressed by the whole site last time you used it?!  Is this right?

Course it's different strokes for different folks but personally I find the site amazingly supportive, perhaps you were looking in the wrong areas if you didn't find the support you needed last time hun?  If I was you, I'd send a personal message to dizzi squirrel and ask her where to look for the best stuff for you.. She's great always knows where to look! 

Keep your chin up, this site can help you a lot..

Amanda x


----------



## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

Helllo, thanks for replying-im sorry I was having a particularly bad day

Sorry if I wasnt clear about wot I found depressing, its not this particular thread its reading the stories that make me sad, I start to worry more about not being able to afford tx and things going wrong if i do get tx, I just dont think im strong enuf to cope & be positive anymore. I am just really angry that this is happening to us, its worse when we come home from a hospital appt its 1 step forward and 2 back.

I dont really know which thread I belong in as my DH is still having investigations which have taken a year so far.. Its not that we dont ask q's but rather we have never seen the consultant. We had an initial appraisal with a junior and a student doc who couldnt answer our q's, DH had a SA and waited 4 months for the results then had to go 4 another and wait another 4 months for the results we saw a locum who seemed more interested in my career, we were hurried out of the room with a ' dont worry about that now, u have to have another SA first then u can ask' now we have to wait 4 another SA and another 4 months for the results. Does it normally take so long to find out wot is wrong or have we just had bad luck? Ive decided to sell my car to cover the cost of a private consultation to get to the bottom of it i hope that makes me feel better.


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi birdbrain
i dont mean to judge u in wot i say coz i dont honestly
ive to have been having a bad time lately and dont know wot threat would be best for me as i seem to write on allmof them as i feel that  ive got that much going on at the minuet different people on different threads can relate to me in 1 way or another but i have not spoke to 1 person who as got all the same probs as i have ,i know that people are going through different things than i am  but yet we all share the same pain 
at the minuet im trying so hard to save my relationship with my DP as the stress as come to a point that i dont think i can carry on not yet anyway ,only last nite i said to DP that i want to move out coz we have spoke about the problems for so long and we are still the same  we have dealt with a lot and have still got a lot to deal with
i am crying out for help and not getting it 
as a couple we have to face the fact that we need to grieve it may be 21months since we lost our last baby and at the time i reallt did loose it i ended up seeing a counsellor and taking anti-d's,i opend up to the counsellor bak then but it is only now that i have realised that wot was once a very happy loving relationship is now very depressing we snap at each other all the time and  our little girl is misbehaving or should i say 9 going on 16 with a bad attitude but is that because she can sence wot we are feeling and as we are not opening up to it it is destroying us 
here is wot the problem is i hope you dont mind me sharing this with you but i feel you understand some of how i feel 
here goes 
we started to ttc 4yrs ago 
u had sufferd constant PID


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

SORRY I ENDED THAT LAST MESSAGE BY MISTAKE PLEASE READ ON
had 2 laps got the all clear ,as i have IBS i was told by the con at the hosp that all my probs were don to my IBS  and i was given the all clear for us to ttc 
1yr later got my BFP had an ectopic . i had been told wen i had the lap that there were no adhiesons  as this it wot i had though due to the fact that i had had ops in the past and i understand that scar tissuing from the inside csn form in to 
adhiesons and cause infections . but  wen they opened me up in theatre thay had to remove not only my baby but my tube and i was told by the hospital staff that i wasnt having an ectopic like my gp had thought as my levels indicated that i had already had a miscarriage in the end i was in hospital for 5 days b4 they agreed to take me to theatre as i kept insisting that i hadnt had a miscarriage as i hadnt been bleeding and the pai i just carnt describe ,so i was taken to theatre to give me a peice of mine , i opened my eyes in the recovery room still doped up on morphine to be told i had had my baby and my tube removed  i lost it i couldnt handle wot they were saying to me , and i carnt remember if is was the same day or the day after but the  con came to me and explained that i had had my baby and my right tube removed as i had adhiesions wrapped around my tube  ok they didnt say it as blunt as that but that is how i heard it if you can understand .
wen i went home i spent days just craying and sleeping i opened my eyes i i could feel where thay had taken everything away and that was there all day ,still now 3yrs on i still get twinges there and it is just a constant reminder as to wot i have lost,about 10wks later i ruptured my stomach then found out i had an infecton ,
this had happend jan 03 and in november 03 i had a miscarriage  followed by another infecton .
in feb 03 i had another m/c but with this 1 i hadnt got my BFP i knew i was pg but wanted to wait to be sure  and i had started blleding bad and terrible pains i went to my gp and was told there is no point having a pg test done as coz of all the blood i had lost and the pain i was in it would come bak neg anyway so i was sent home with painkillers and tabs to stop the bleeding it was put on my notes that i had a delayed oeriod coz this is how they class it if you havnt had a BFP but i new i was pg and wots more i knew i was loosing it so as far as they were conserned that was that end of story i had to keep ttc ,and i did in july 04 i got a BFP again but i knew i was gonna m/c again i could feel it the blood loss the pains the US shown the sac but no baby we were told that i had prob m/c although the test was showing that i was still pg but no baby so over a period of 2wks  we had 3 more US 1 min being told everything was ok then the other being told there were conserns then after the last US i was given the notes to take to the gynea ward to talk to 1of the cons up there ,we were still under the inpression that i was still pg but the con sat down and bluted out rite u have had a m/c and just went on to wot was going to happen next thinking we had already been told but we hadnt 
i was given tabs to help everything to come agay instead og sending me for a d/c i ended up with an infection .
that was the last time i got my BFP 
i have since found out that i have got FACTOR V LEIDEN (FVL)which may be the reason for all the loss's we have had 
this is now being treated which aspirin and wen i nxt get a BFP i will have to have daily injections of heparin to help thin my blood down but taking the risk's into account i am so scared to TTC again coz if i was to m/c again i would blame myself coz i new wot the risks were and i was prepared to but myself through it my DD and also MY DP through the pain of loosing another baby and watch me go though it having the FVL puts me at risk of early m/c or a full turm m/c coz the blood can clott around the baby or the unbilical cord .
also i have got to have a dye test done though HYCOSY to check remaining tube and overies and also check if there is any sign of ENDO as since my blood as bin being thinend down i have been suffering terrible pains before during and after my period in fact the pain is there most of the time and it is possible that if i have got endo that it is only since my blood 
has been treated  that i have  started having periods  regular that i am suffering all the pain .
having all this to deal is putting a big strain on my relationship i have got with DP 
i dont meen to b blunt but we havnt even got a sex life anymore and we have rowed about it for so long now i have go no fight left in me coz i feel like im hitting my head at a brick wall as his reply is yeah i agree i know theres a prob and i will sort it out and nothing happens but i have started to think that it is that he is getting depressed and still grieving the babies that we lost .
the prob is ,is that he doesnt show how he feels to me he keeps everything locked up inside and i am starting to believe that he carnt make love to me anymore coz he is scared of gettignme pg coz he doesnt want to see me go through the pain again and he is keeping strong for me so that i dont see how hurt he really is coz he thinks the most important thing to me is to have a baby .BUT it isnt i long so much to have a baby yes and i dont think that as a family we will be complete till we have had a baby ,although DP is a  good dad to our DD i already had her wen we met she was 2yrs old and is now 9yrs old ,but we hadnt had the chance to share all those special moments together i did it with my mum and my sister last time 
i was 22 and single wen i had her and felt like a cheap school girl with no partner at the side of me and now im with someone who i love so much and i know how much he loves me and our little girl but yet we carnt be given the chance to be happy all we get is pain .
at the min im not ready for anymore pain 
i am gonna put it to DP that i got bak on the pill for at least 12 mths and give ttc a rest for a bit and try to rebuild our relationship and make a happy home for our little girl who is still with us and in the meen time we go on hoilday in 8wks and wot if i was to get the BFP i would either have to cancell the hoilday that we all so much want or go away being scared of doing anything that might lead to another m/c and i dont want any i want to be able to have all the test done at the hosp and if it is endo or something wrong with my overies or another thing i have been thinking is that with the last 2 m/c i didnt have a d/c could this ov caused more damage to my insides ,with all this to consider i just want to give my body chance for a fresh start and this will mean going bak on the pill and having time to concentrate on us and may be have my driving lessons save to go to disney florida which i have promised DD that i will take her for her 11th b/day and if we got pg b4 then and had to cancell how bad she would feel ,its bad enouth that she can sence the unhappines between me and DP but to have to loose the holiday she has been dreaming of she might recent the baby and i dont want that ,and wot me and dp need to remember is that she is a very emotional child and has had to grieve the loss of the babies and watch her mum crying all the time ,
i think we have come to the point that we need to but time for us 3 have this up coming holiday go on the pill so there is no pressure on dp that if we make love i could get pg and have to go through all this again, give us all time to become close again and and have some happy times we can come bak off the hloiday with the piece of mind that we can book the holiday we have been dreaming off and not have to worry  about wot might happen in the meen time .
also i want to be able to have passed my driving test for wen we do have another baby as i stuggled so much wen DDwas a baby.
i know deep down in my heart that if i get a BFP whilst i am feeeling so depressed and stressed all the time that i will loose it and i could not carry that guilt 
BIRDBRAIN
im so sorry to ov took over ur thread with this as i never ment to but wen i started writting i couldnt stop as this is the 1st time i have wrote about everything in 1 message  and it has made me realise wot i am risking and i carnt do it not untill i have got myself sorted out and become a happy loving family again ,we have been through so much i carnt chance thowing everything awy without a fight so i will have to but ttc for a much wanted baby untill we can offer that baby 2 happy loving parents 

please anyone reading this if this message can be put into a different thread which can help or even just understand everything wot i am saying then please move it somewhere else as i have now taken over
BIRDBRAINS thread with my story ,i hadnt ment to but once i stared writting i couldnt stop and didnt want to start it all over again somewhere else
thanks to all who have just read this and sorry it is so long 
i will go now and give ur eys a rest and my fingers (lol)
steph


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Birdbrain

My dh's SA results take about 3 days to come back!!  We get our results within the week everytime (and we've had 5 lots of tests done so far)  So I think if I were you I'd be asking what exactly they're doing?? Are they counting each little swimmer individually or what?! lmao

Good luck

Amanda x


----------



## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

Hello again

MandyB - you must have a good hosp. mine doesnt have a special fertility dept i have to use the gynae/maternity dept so that might be why it takes so long, its also a rubbish set up cos u see all the baby stuff, pg women and the maternity ward whilst u wait 2 be seen maybe thats another factor in why i get depressed when go 2 the hospital. We have talked about it properly and we have decided to just go private and raise the money by remortgaging, selling my car and cancelling our holiday (Nile cruise - boo hoo!) DH has applied for some new jobs too so I know hes serious now cos hes got a low stress low effort job but its also low pay, I have got a job for June - im studying for my finals now but at least i got a job to go to when I finish thats gonna bring some money in and if i dont get pg this yr im gonna do a PhD so i got summit else to think about for a few years. Im really trying hard to focus on positive things & I think being really busy will help, Ive joined a gym too & went yesterday for 1st time and now im sore! 

Steph31- thanks for sharing your experience, sometimes it just helps to put feelings down in writing - I know where youre coming from with yr relationship, my DH is very involved with his mum and that really got in the way and caused lots of problems for us, I havent had a mum since i was 12 so i find mother-child a bizzare relationship i dont understand, anyway we had counselling but it didnt help. I decided to take the matter into my own hands and trained to be a counsellor for 3 yrs - that really helped. I asked my DH to keep a diary and write down all the things he wanted to say but couldnt to organising his thoughts and feelings, after a few months of writing he became much more articulate in expressing himself if I asked him about stuff. I am about to finish a psychology degree now and during my time researching my area of interest (child & adult mental health) I have come to realise that there are massive differences between men & women in how we think, and express ourselves, for me understanding & accepting this has helped alot. DH went for counselling alone which resulted in massive changes but in all its taken 8 yrs to get back on track only to be faced with IF problems now all i want is a boring uneventful life but all the struggle has resulted in many positive things I just forget to see the bigger picture when I feel down. It sounds like you have lots of insight into your own situation about yr relationship & your DD (you must be a fabulous mother), you have been through such alot in such a short space of time, I can only imagine your pain, anger & fear, only u are the expert of yr situation but maybe u would benefit from a break for a short while to regain yr strength & focus on rebuilding yr family relationships. I have got IBS too which made my diagnosis of PCOS hard it took 2 years (my sister diagnosed it eventually when she was a medical student - brainy sod!), it can be very debilitating and not many people understand how horrid it is, personally i think its related to stress so the IF stuff cant be doing us any good. U dont have to apologise for butting in on my thread it wasnt mine, Ive just taken over someone elses - so sorry to them but you should get stuff off yr chest, im glad u shared yr story with me & hope u feel better for it. xx


----------



## steph33 (Mar 11, 2006)

hi birdbrain
yes it did help getting it all off my chest ok it took ages writting it all 
but wen dp came home from work i asked him to read the post that u have just read and we have talked about everything and both agreed to give ttc a rest for a while as i said earlier i need to get my body in shape and concentrate on the 3 of us and to ur comment about being a good mum i hope dd sees it like that and not just seing her mumgo phyco for the silliest thing 
DP has admitted that he has been feeling under pressure and getting very down coz of it and this is why he has been having a drink 
so now im gonna make an appoint at the dr's to go bak on the pill for a while so at least then if i do have ENDO  AND/OR PCOS they can try and sort it without having to worry about getting pg in the mean time and having to face more heart break
although i and stopping ttc i will still be posting as this site has been so helpful
i actually think that if i hadnt started writting how i feel to u all i wouldntov realised wot the prob was and could of faced loosing mt dp 
dp also thinks this site is very useful,helpful and +iv 
thank you 
steph


----------



## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Birdbrain

We were referred to St Mary's which is a leading fertility clinic in Manchester we've already done the local hospital bit.. I feel very lucky indeed to have been referred so quickly and efficiently and I know my dh does too.. It's not fair is it, that depending on your location the level of tx you recieve can be so different?! 

What's your new job doing?  That's exciting and something to look forward to anyway isn't it?  We're like you we've already decided that the moment the NHS dont seem to be putting our best interests at heart we'll defect to private treatment!! 

We've found it does help you cope a lot to have lots of other things on the go to look forward to at the same time.. saves you from becoming completely obsessed and that helps you be strong when the ups & downs come your way (as they always do in this situation!!)

Good luck

Amanda x


----------



## Starry.Sky (Feb 8, 2006)

MandyB - youre right about the varying levels of tx in th NHS we always say it should be called the 'Local' rather than 'National' Health Service. We dont have an option for going to another hospital cos there isnt another one here its such a small city, we can have 3 goes of ICI but thats all they offer here, so I dont even get the option of having the tx that is gonna be most successfull, although the success rates are 15% which is about right but the waiting list is loooooong bout 1 yr for 1st go so if it doesnt work I wont be able to do egg share IVF (Nottingham, Care) cos I'll be too old and thats the only way we could afford to do IVF at the moment. My new job is as a psychologist on an eye tracking study to see how we read food labels (hopefully it will help imporove how labels are printed for food allergy sufferers), im sorry to say its really boring and not my area of interest but its well paid (£1000 for 40 hrs) so cant complain as it will pay for some tx. and i'll never earn that much again im sure.


----------

