# Feeling low



## gemc (Jan 3, 2013)

I don't really know what I want to get out of this post, but I feel like I need to write down how I'm feeling and see if anyone has been through the same.

I've just had my 3rd ICSI attempt and unfortunately it was a BFN (at the end of Feb) - I thought I was coping fairly well, but as time goes by I am feeling more and more down. We were originally told we could have one attempt as my DH is very low sperm and I have an equally low AMH level - after our first treatment we managed to get a frozen cycle. Our 2nd fresh cycle was granted as they wanted to see if I would respond to a different protocol of treatment (I did, but still a BFN).

We are currently waiting for our appointment to discuss options with the consultant so I don't even know if we'll be able to have a 3rd fresh attempt.

The closer the appointment gets (its 2 weeks today) to worse I'm feeling - I think before now I've just thought that the answer will be yes, but as its drawing in I'm so worried what they'll say to me. I know this is probably normal to feel this way but I just cant shake it - I just cant ever see myself becoming a mum & this is making me worse.

I try to not talk about it to anyone as I am normally the type of person who can just get on in life and cope with what's thrown at me. Everyone (including my DH thinks I'm fine and managing with everything!). Most mornings I wake up from a terrible sleep and then walk my dog whilst crying in the park! I know this isn't healthy - I'm just scared that if I let myself break I won't fix.

We've been trying to still try in between treatment, but now I just associate sex with so much negativity and I'm stopping myself doing it as at least that way at the end of the month I know I'm not building myself up thinking I might be pregnant - after 4 years its too hard to be constantly disappointed. I daren't tell my DH this is the reason as I know it sounds stupid - I just say I'm tired. I don't know how long I can do this for as I just feel I'm pushing him further away.

I'm really not sure what I expect people will reply with (if anything) I just felt that I needed to get it out to people who know - friends and family have been so supportive but until you've been through this you never fully understand - they just keep saying well it'll happen somehow, just keep going - very easy to say - not as easy in practice


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## Mel2304 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hi Gem,

Im sorry you are feeling this low. This journey has so many ups and downs its unreal.  

We have hadf two failed ICSI attempts, the first ended in mc and the second was a BFN.  At the time of the BFN, I felt really low aferwards and did not think i would be able to move on, that was back in February.  I was also worrying about getting our third attempt as we had to go to a review appointment.  We had that on April 29th and were advised we would get a third attempt, however, all the language used in the review was so negative we both left the appointment very deflated.  It is hard to be positivie sometimes when there is so much against you!

We are fiding it difficult to build our enthusiasm for the third go and have not confirmed when to to bookt it in although we have pencilled in September, i still feel that is really soon.  i hav read other posts to say this is normal and the "enthusiasm" may never return! I am going to get booked in for the scratch pprocedure to see if that helps.

i can empathise regards trying in between, it is hard not to associate that with failure but i suppose we jsut have to try and enjoy that again 

i was worrying a lot towards our appointment as well so that is normal. I hope that you get the next attempt.

We are going on holiday which has added a distraction to all of this. I ma looking forward to some sunshine.

good luck xxxxxx


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## lydiadanni (Apr 22, 2014)

I'm feeling the same today Gem. We got BFN yesterday and I woke to find my period this morning after our first ICSI (none to freeze). Right now, I can only describe it as my heart is aching. It's just so painful. So I can only imagine how awful it must feel to go through this more than once. I think you are so brave to have undergone 3 cycles. You have shown how strong you are to come this far so you can and will make it through this low point. You need to find the fight in you, it's in there somewhere and you need to reconnect with that inner strength you have. Reconnecting with your DH will help too, and we all know how much more connected we feel with our partners once we reintroduce intimacy. 

We want to go ahead with another cycle, possibly a 3rd if we have the money and if that fails then maybe we'll just chuck it all in, leave our good jobs behind and travel for 6 months. But in reality, how can we do that? If we want a baby and need more IVF, we'll need to keep those good jobs and keep working our butts off to pay for it. Life is so s**t sometimes.  

Good luck x


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

How about me replying with just a huge   to you all xx

I think that you get to a stage, some of us much more quickly than others, when it all gets too much.  Some of us meltdown quietly and some take others out with them, I have to say that I do a little bit of both  .  Sadly, I hate what this has done to me and the person that I have become, I often think about how DH and I would be if everything was different.  My DH is very practical and hates the fluffy stuff like that, he feels that we should be happy with what we have and that's when the meltdowns happen.  

I was a really early starter, I think that I started to feel this way towards the end of my first cycle, before the collection even. I just felt overwhelmed and consumed with sadness & negativity.  My only ever pregnancy, so brief, and I was negative throughout the whole thing. 

My second cycle I felt amazing and then plummeted like a rocket when it failed and I've been teetering around depression ever since.  Bizarrely, I think that it hit me every bit as hard as my miscarriage.  I'm now starting my very last go with our first & only FET and I'm only starting to feel brighter now I have some dates in my diary.  I worry what will happen when there are no more dates to put in  

People call this a rollercoaster and it absolutely is, we can go up and down a hundred times in a day even.  No one can maintain the level of effort that we have to without finding it overwhelming.  I wish that I had some wise and wonderful words for you but I haven't found them yet.  I am sure that they are out there.

I think that how you feel about sex is completely natural too.  It takes on a different meaning when you've been TTC for so long, it's hard not to view it as a means to an end and see that there's little point to it on the days that we can't conceive isn't it....even if we know that there is less than a trillion to one chance that we could conceive naturally.  I drive myself crazy every month, I know that our stats make it nigh on impossible to get pregnant naturally and that we haven't once managed it in nearly 5 years of very careful planning.  It's highly unlikely but it doesn't stop us hoping.

Thank heaven for our woofs.  Mine walks with me and listens to my rants or gives me those big beautiful eyes whenever I cry.  You have to let it out to someone and they are the best listeners    I realised the other day that there are soldiers camping in the woods where I walk, I must have put on one hell of a show for them.  No wonder they keep hidden with this crazy ranting woman wondering around  

Thinking of you all xx


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi Gem

I'm really sorry that you're feeling low 
I failed my 3rd cycle recently too so can
totally emphathise with how hard it is to
pick yourself up yet again! 

Don't be afraid to let yourself grieve for 
your loss (or to let others see you sad). 
Bless you, I know it can feel that if we
let our emotions truly pour out we won't 
ever recover but I've learnt from experience
that it's far easier to come to terms with 
loss and begin to move forward once you 
let that grief out and confide in someone 
you feel comfortable with, whoever that
may be. You will heal although I know it may
not feel that way right now. To go through 
3 cycles you're one brave lady and so much
stronger than you give yourself for  you 
aren't alone in how you feel.

Take care x


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## gemc (Jan 3, 2013)

Thanks for replies ladies, they have strangely made me feel abit better, in that there is other people out there that go through the same. You're all so brave and been through so much.
You're right life is s**t sometimes. I know we are lucky that we have others around us and we have each other, but it's just the thought of getting close to the next round.
I know I need to speak to my DH, just so hard & talking about it makes it even more real. I think I do just need to get it out in the open......... 
Thank you all for your kind words & you're all so kind in sharing your experiences, as hard and as sad as they are, I wish you all good luck in the next part of your journeys. We all deserve good news soon.
Hopefully, I'm aiming for a tear free walk in the morning - small steps first. x


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

I was so excited for my IVF the come down of failure was earth shattering. The fact that you actually get to egg transfer feels like such an achievement, I actually resented the embryo for leaving me! Crazy huh?  

Our sex life has hit a big low too  I wonder if it's common in our circle? I don't like talking to DH about it either, like you say it makes it real. I do worry that DH thinks I blame him somehow and I'm rejecting him. It's easy to forget they are as hurt as us because it's our body it's happening to.

I have dealt with the loss by planning my next move. Have been researching clinics abroad for the last 8 weeks and the time had flown and I feel better 

Hope you feel better soon x your not alone in this


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## pumpkin1975 (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi

You are not alone. We've just had our second ICSI treatment fail us and it's awful. I suggest seeing a counsellor, it helped me yesterday. It takes time xxx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh Pumpkin, I'm so so sorry   x


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## pumpkin1975 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks Molly. Just have to get through this rough time xx


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## Leftleg (Oct 30, 2011)

I'm so sorry you're going through this it's a very testing and difficult time. I just wanted to say try hard to stay positive but give yourself time to grieve first. It's a great sign that you were able to achieve a frozen cycle, I only got one frozen embie out of 4 cycles. I didn't get pregnant until my fourth fresh attempt after changing clinics and having immune treatment. I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant after my fifth transfer which was the frozen one. Your issues look similar to mine, have you been tested for immunes? I hope you start to feel a little better soon and have the strength to continue if you decide that's what you want. Big hugs xx


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## kk79 (Nov 11, 2013)

hey gem. I think we all feel similar at times, your post has been read 377 times when I'm writing this so that shows you something. Its being read by many ladies all feeling low and not knowing what to do next. 

I can relate to trying to keep on a 'good show' for everyone which is hard when this is painful emotionally and physically. But you really need to have a good cry with your husband and talk to him honestly about how you feel. The dogs are great but I never get any sense out of mine! My mum keeps telling me it will just happen one day when your not even trying...even tho I've explained many times it is medically impossible without a doctor and a needle she keeps saying it none the less which hurts.

Words of support - just remember your doing all you can to achieve your goals. You really cant do any more than you are doing. Its so hard but if you have the strength, keep going. you may just be rewarded one day xxx


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