# Donor conceived adult story: a cautionary tale for non-tellers



## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Here is the link to a story in the Daily Mail today about a donor conceived adult being 'told' about her origins late in life by her aunt - http://www.dailymail.co.uk:80/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=511388&in_page_id=1879

Olivia

/links


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## Milly40 (May 8, 2007)

Olivia,
        Can I just say that that family had other issues far deeper than the donor insemination.....the whole family sounded dysfunctional to me......there is no way I or many of the women on here would tell other members of the family without telling the child first,  sensitively and appropriately.
The mother sounded like she had issues with her husband perhaps due to him being infertile..I dont know.....and  also in those days couples were'nt counselled like they are now...I  (I am sure I can speak for many)...do not take this subject lightly.......
It was the father ironically who loved his children and it was the mother who had the issues.....

  Milly


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## Angelmummy (Jan 28, 2008)

Hi

Just want to say that I agree with Milly.

It is so easy to blame any problem in a family on a donor insemination, or an adoption or whatever but many many other families have problems as well.

It is an easy thing to blame. But I think anyone who goes to these lengths to have a baby would want to do what is best for the child. 

Kay
x


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## Jennifer (Jul 22, 2004)

Its very easy to lay blame on the fact that she was donor conceived and not told however, I believe this lady's issues are far more to do with the poor relationship with her mother than the way she was conceived.


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

Fortunately I'm not minded to take seriously anything written in the Mail, the Express, or the Sun, or indeed any other trash newspaper.....


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

You would think that people had more sense and sensitivity than to think they could tell the wider family but not the child... but I'm on a forum with a lot of US DE mums, and there are several who are doing just that. Including one woman pregnant with twins after her sister donated eggs, where the whole family knows but she hasn't told her doctor, and won't tell the children.


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

I did read the story a couple of days ago and my thoughts were that this would have been quite normal at the time, lots of adopted children were also not told of their origins in that era. Plus those who had cancer were not told, their partners were but not them.  Bobby Moore was not told he had cancer even though he had radiotherapy and this was back in the 60's.  I agree with disclousure but what this article fails to reflect the climate the woman and her siblings were born in.


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

bottleofwater said:


> I agree with disclousure but what this article fails to reflect the climate the woman and her siblings were born in.


That's true, but her feelings are very real.

My father was adopted, and I always knew that.. and a little about his origins... I think even for me to have found out late on that my grandparents were not my genetic grandparents would have been a shock. For instance, they are Irish... if my dad's real parents had turned out NOT to be Irish too (his mother was, is all we know) then I wouldn't actually be part-Irish, despite my Irish name.. that would feel really odd. So I can sympathise with her. It's better to know these things early on.


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

I totally agree drowned Girl, but I do think that a fuller picture from the paper would give an insight sometimes to reasons why.  Of course now she is older she is looking for clues and perhaps see's her mothers coldness as that, but her mother may have just had that personality.  I was reading about a woman that was adopted also recently who only just found out and had similar issues, again it was the same era. I think telling anyone their origins later in life is going to come as a rather nasty blow, it is very sad that some leave this information until their deathbed.  I know of a woman who also was told on her mothers deathbed that her father was not her real father (she had an affair).


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## earthe kitt (May 7, 2005)

What's al the drivel about "not my real father" and "not my real brother"?

Life is hard enough without us creating divisions within our families

Many of us - at least 1 in 10 it is estimated, are calling the wrong man daddy and that's without any medical intervention

My husband found out in his 50's that his brother has a different mother who was kiled in the war - it hasn't affected his relationship with his brother, nephews and nieces, they didn't like each other before they found out and still don't like each other. The origins of sperm and egg have nothing to do with their mutual antipathy, just the fact that his brother is a tight fisted control freak.

It's the relationships we form throughout life, not the origin of an egg and sperm less than 1/100th of a millimeter each

As for looking different...my twin girls come from the same donors but look completely different - one looks Slavic - from the Polish eggs and one looks Nordic - from the Danish sperm - however, they are both beautiful little girls

I do plan to tell my girls but not before I've worked out how to block internet access to DCN - life is hard enough without them being influenced by those n*****s

Jo


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## honneybee (Feb 21, 2007)

hi

I found this article quite sad and if I am honest upsetting, I understand that the secret was a terrible thing for this lady, but if I was honest the idea I would have to tell my child he/she was donor conceived would be a very difficult decision and i am not sure I could do it. (mine isn't but she is ivf)

I did donate my eggs and do know that my recipient is pg with twins. she may even have eggs stored from when I donated, my children know I had ivf for this pg, my family know too but my dh family do not know as they do not approve.

I am still trying to decide whether later I should tell this child when she is born..... my reasons is, I don't want her feeling any different from my other two children. I love them all so much, I think whichever decision you decide is hard.... they all have fall outs. so is there a right or wrong  

I hope I am not coming across in a bad way, I just still am unsure what is the right path to take.

This women seems to carry bitterness about her mother regardless, so is it really about it being a secret that makes her angry or the fact her mother was cold towards her?
mitch
x


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## earthe kitt (May 7, 2005)

I meant to add that people say "that one looks like dad" and "that one looks like mum" - I would so love to tell them just to see the look on their faces   

The girls  may have issues over  the circumstances of their conception  when they're older, but to be honest, if that's their biggest problem in life then they're very fortunate

Jo  XXX


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## Betty M (Dec 6, 2005)

Personally I think the difficulty with late telling of anything like for eg donor conception / adoption/ your aunt being really your mother or anything else like that is that by the time you are in your teeens you have a pretty good idea of your identity and your family history is very much part of that. I am for instance of dual ethnicity and that is a very important part of my identity. For me to find out that for eg I was in fact only one ethnicity would not only be a shock but would make me question who I actually am as a person as the dual ethnicity is so very much a part of who I believe myself to be and it has helped form my attitudes to a lot of things in life.  I think I would feel betrayed by not having been told even though I believe I would know that whatever my real origins my parents are the ones who have nurtured and supported me and in the end genetics probably doesn't matter at all.

Just my thoughts.
Betty


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Personally, I think this article bears as much relevance to modern practices surrounding donor conception as a 78 bakelite record does to an MP3 player! 

While I do agree with the principle and the idea that donor conceived children should know of their origins, sensationalist claptrap like this article does nothing to sell the idea to anyone and, in fact, I think it probably makes people more secretive about it because, goodness knows why you'd want to tell anyone at all if this is the backlash!

I seriously doubt that any child brought up in a stable and happy home, with parents and family that love them, will turn out like this individual. There's clearly issues there that go beyond the nature of her conception. 

C~x


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

Caz said:


> I seriously doubt that any child brought up in a stable and happy home, with parents and family that love them, will turn out like this individual. There's clearly issues there that go beyond the nature of her conception.


Not disagreeing with your point about the article, but actually I think the more a family is stable and happy, the more a shock for a child discovering late in life that they were the product of donor gametes...


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

I agree with you Caz, the paper sets out to sensationlise, what person would descredit their family first of all in a large tabloid newspaper, would the reasons be monetary or for attention. 

I think I may be odd when it comes to family origins as I have never been interested in my family tree or background one jot, although my sister pays alot of money to find out things that make eyes glaze over  , I actually secretly wished I had been adopted when young but thats another story.


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I also think that whether or not you choose to tell, particularly if you don't, or want some time to think about it,  you really need to keep it from the rest of your friends and family so that you are always in control of the situation and your child is first to know. I believe that is only right and fair.
Its so tempting to discuss it freely with others undergoing IVF; I know a number of people who chat about it very openly but personally I refuse to be drawn into discussing something which is hugely personal and not anyones business, in case of premature disclosure by the wrong people.

Many a family secret has been blurted out uintentionally, or even intentionally in order to shock and hurt. My cousin conceived out of wedlock years ago - at a time and in a community when it was still not done- and hastily married the bloke.  The child was born. Some years later a ( some would say spiteful) relative told the child, now a teenager, that her parents had to get married because of her .The marriage was doomed from the start as they were both young and immature. The child was devasted as she had been given a more rosy picture of events, and felt responsible.

I also blurted out to a school friend that she was adopted; we were 14 at the time.  This girl did not know. My mother, prone to discussing all sorts of things without any hesitation had told me the night before. 

roze


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

roze said:


> I also think that whether or not you choose to tell, particularly if you don't, or want some time to think about it, you really need to keep it from the rest of your friends and family so that you are always in control of the situation and your child is first to know. I believe that is only right and fair.


That makes sense if you plan to divulge the information at a particular age... but in our case, we'll tell our DE twins bit by bit as part of talking about how they grew in my tummy... so it's made sense to tell our 5yo DS... and telling him meant telling our whole families, of course.. I'm also thinking we should mention it to the school so if DS mentions it he will get understanding and support.

I do think some people seem to be ashamed they have used a donor, and that's where the reticience comes from... it's not something I really understand very well, myself.


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

drownedgirl said:


> Caz said:
> 
> 
> > I seriously doubt that any child brought up in a stable and happy home, with parents and family that love them, will turn out like this individual. There's clearly issues there that go beyond the nature of her conception.
> ...


Yes, sorry, that's true. I think what I was trying to say was that if you come from a happy and stable family all round, even if it was a huge shock to discover such a big secret about yourself, you would certainly "deal" with it better if you knew that your parents loved you unconditionally and supported you in whatever you did.

I think, with telling a child, you either do it from an early age so they grow up knowing it's normal, or you don't do it at all but, like Roze says, if you don't intend to tell, then you need to make sure nobody knows or it will all come out one day when you have no control over it. Once other people know, then you're better off telling your child and saving yourself the trouble it will cause later on. 
I'm not sure how far you go with regards to telling schools etc. Is there a danger that telling them makes it a bigger deal than it is and, maybe, does no favours in the long run? Just thinking that schools can be quite indiscreet about these things and kids will find any reason to bully and pick on each other... 

I'm in kind of the reverse situation becuase my son was conceived through egg sharing so, while he is not donor conceived, at least one live birth for a recipient came about from my egg donation. Ought I to tell him so he is prepared for this? It's a bit of a minfield!

C~x


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## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

I just wanted to be clear that I am not ashamed about using a donor- but I feel that other people either wont understand or will make an issue of it. I'm not prepared for some stranger to ask my child where her real mummy is, to tell her I am not her real mummy, or to ask me how I feel about being an 'adoptive' mum, do I love my baby despite not being her real mother, etc. Already the few health professionals that know about it have referred to the donor being the ' mother' of my baby and asked the above questions. If I am 'reticent' its because I know too well how people can be, particularly when their only knowledge of donor conception comes from the tabloids.


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Just wanted to add a comment about telling schools.  In DCN we encourage parents to tell the school about DC so that if children mention it they can be believed and supported...but of course parents make their own decisions according to their own circumstances.  Our experience over the years has shown that it is the children of single parents and lesbians who have the most difficult time....not because of DC but because they need to be able to explain the absence of a 'dad' from their parenting circle.  Children who have different sex parents at home mostly don't talk about DC at school until they are of an age to understand what they are doing and deal with the consequences.  Several DC children have found that because their friends don't understand the situation very well they aren't interested in talking about it and change the subject.  An attempt was once made at school to bully our daughter but because she has always enjoyed the difference of being donor conceived, the child concerned was not able to press any of her buttons.  Confidence and pride can make all the difference to how a child handles these issues.
Olivia


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I was thinking of mentioning it to DS's school, as he may well mention it... he knows about the DE side of our twins.. I wouldn't like him to say something and it be dismissed as muddled fantasy...


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Sounds like a good plan DG.  Sometimes parents find it helpful to take in one of the story books or Telling and Talking books so that teachers can understand better and then have them available in the school library.
Olivia


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## Wiz11 (Feb 20, 2008)

I just thought I would add in my humble opinion!
I am in quite a rare position where I can really see things from both sides of the fence.  I found out last summer that my parents used a sperm donor, so I am a donor concieved child, rather like still being a child!, but alas I am nearing 30.  SO it was rather late in life I found out.  I can really emathise with the woman...though do agree she does seem to have many other issues!

I did for a while (and prob still do) that part of my life is a lie..I have lost a lot of trust in my parents and resent them for not telling me the truth.  However on the reverse of this I actually understand why they didn't, in fact the never told anyone...as they were told not to by the medical profession at the time.  I also have to say that I feel no difference towards my Dad...he is just the same as he always was...and is still there for me when I need him.  I do think that I would like to know where half of me comes from...not to have a father figure at all, but just to see what of me is from him.  I am very very like my mum but there are things and part of "my story" missing.

A few months after I found out this info my husband had a SA that came back as 0...hense I truley do understand both sides!  We are not sure what will happen with us yet, but I do know that I would be happy to use a donor and that I would tell my child as early as possible.....just so there is not the shock that you have when you are hitting 30.  I think as a child I would have coped with the information better than I do now.  I think as an adult you maybe read more things into it than you do as a child.  Also I think the child does have a right to know....for example I always though my medical history was one thing and now its not...

My biggest feeling was being decieved....I still feel as I did before about BOTH my parents and actually feel closer now to my dad than I ever did.  At least I have 2 people who really understand what my and dh are going throuhg.


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Thank you for sharing that xxxx


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