# feeling emotional and in need of some understanding ears



## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Hi everyone,
I wanted to write on here last night but had to wait for approval.  Somehow, I'm glad I had to wait before being able to write on here as I was pretty emotional last night and who knows what drivel I'd have written!
Anyway, I hope I'm writing this in the right place............. I'm a single woman, aged 35 and have been single for over ten years now since my partner died.  Any relationship I've had since then has been short lived and I'm now at the stage where I don't even want to consider a man in my life - they just muck everything up!  lol
However, I'm desperate to be a mum. 
I have a nice home that I've spent the last year redecorating and renovating.  I bought my own small business a year ago and that's doing rather well now......  in fact, I've done all of my prep work to creating an environment where I could successfully raise a child.  My mum and dad are fantastic and completely understand me and will support and help however they can.
Of course, the one remaining issue is how to become a mum in the first place!  A few years ago I investigated the London Women's clinic but the cost scared me.  I recently investigated the option of a sperm donor found privately but I have concerns over that too....
I would happily consider adoption but, from what I understand, a single woman stands very little chance of being succesful whether it's a domestic or international adoption and it certainly takes a long time.....

All of this is making me feel rather upset.  It was my niece's fifth birthday yesterday.  I love her and my nephew dearly and adore spending time with them but then, when I come home, there's a huge gap missing in my home and it's a child of my own...
My two dogs and cat give me something to adore and care for but, well, it's not the same is it?

Can somebody please give me something to look forward to?  I'm at a loss as to what the best way forward is.  I think my first preference is to go down the clinic route for AI or IUI but how the hell does anyone afford that and not get into debt?

I had a dream last night.......... someone had left a baby on my doorstep for me to raise and love......... oh, how perfect it felt... I had a purpose... until I woke up. 

How grateful I am to have found this place by chance.  Nobody else I know has even the remotest idea of how to advise or help.  They all either don't want kids, have their own family or simply don't understand why I wouldn't just go out and have a one night stand or two........


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## sanya (Jun 23, 2007)

Hi Cornflake,
Sorry to hear that you are feeling low but can totally relate to what you are saying, I think you have come to the right place and will find the support and advice you need here.
I too lost my partner very suddenly and in quite shocking circumstances it was 9 years ago now, I was 35 at the time and already really broody so I understand a bit of how you feel.
It took me years of counselling and grieving before I felt ready to move on but by then my eggs were no longer viable  
I have moved onto double donor now and am very comfortable and happy with this but it has been a very long road to get here.
By the way I completely feel the same in that I wont even consider a man in my life now, well at least not until I have given this my very best shot, the ones I have met since I lost my partner have always been short lived and not worth it, I know they are not all like that but I have no time to find out otherwise at the moment.
By chatting on here and talking to others I hope you find a way to move forward that you are happy with
love Sanya xxx


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Hi Cornflake,

Firstly want to say welcome and  

Me and DP are in a similar yet slightly diff situation... we are a same sex couple so will also need to find either a private donor or do IUI at a clinic... we have looked at loads of options to help with the cost.... finding a randomer on a website like co-parentmatch.com which scared the hell out of us as there were so many weirdo's it didnt feel safe!! then we looked again at the london women's clinic but decided against it as they are soooo... expensive!! Then we looked at another site called fertility1st which seemed fab on the exterior and may still be a option... basically they act as a introducer and you pay them £300 to find oyu a donor within 2 hours of you then pass your details to a courier company who deal with you and the donor so you and him never have to speak or meet this costs £170 per delivery of sperm.... sounds fab doesnt it apart from the bad press and them not being regulated oh and then there the fact your can never find out who the donor was!! 

So we have finally come to another decision to still use a clinic like the londons women's clinic but find a cheaper one!! I have really researched this and found one in Eastbourne called the esperance which seem really fab and there donor IUI is £875 per cycle which is better than the LWC's!!

we are going to try 4 attempts at IUI with them and then if need be move onto IVF with egg share at either Nuture Nottingham or at the LWC.

Good luck and keep  

Em x


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Hi Cornflake

Welcome to the site - hope you can find a way forward here ... 

Have a look at the single abroadies thread... If you are using your own eggs and importing a ID release donor, the costs are much lower than for London clinics and the standard of care is equal if not better. (IMO).

Hopefully you will find the threads very useful and get the support you need.

Take care
Maya


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Thank you so much, everyone, for your kind and understanding replies.  It really does mean a lot to me that I have found people who understand what I'm feeling and are also considering their options in much the same way I am.  I'm sick of trying to explain to people outside of my family why I choose to go down the route of single parenthood.  I'm sick and tired of people telling me how hard it is to raise a child alone.  Of course it is.  It's also the most rewarding and purposeful reason for living.

I hadn't considered going to my GP for tests as I didn't realise that would be an option for a single woman.  I will most certainly do that - I just hope that the results will be ok.  I think that's probably one of the worst things - not knowing whether your body will be up to the job in the first place!
I hadn't heard of the clinic in Eastbourne - that price seems a far more reasonable option than that of LWC.  Definitely a clinic I want to investigate further.

I'm based in Milton Keynes but I'm prepared to travel the length and breadth of the country if I have to.  I just need to get my brain in gear and find the right option for me at the right price and then I'll feel so much happier with a decision having been made.  I just feel like I'm in limbo right now.

Oh hell........... I'm feeling all choked up now simply because you guys understand.  I'm not an overly emotional person but this is one subject that gets to me every time.


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Thank you.  I'll keep that in mind.  I know that when I investigated at LWC a few years ago (actually, it was about six years ago) there wasn't a problem but, since then, with the HFEA change in anonymity matters, it has perhaps become a different story so you make a valid point.  I hadn't thought about importing from outside the UK.  Is it expensive?


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

The esperance dont have a wait on donor sperm so they tell me.. also i know a couple who are using them now off here who have not had to wait for sperm..

there site is here... lots of girls on the anyone there there on the sussex board use them and will be able to tell you even more.

http://www.sussexdownsfertilitycentre.co.uk/

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=137811.0

Em x

/links


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## OneStepAtATime (Sep 14, 2008)

Just to say that if you import from ESB to the UK the costs are much higher (I think part of it is that donors are restricted to 10 families, so they charge you extra).

I was quoted as follows: 
_Prices are quoted in Euros because the value of Pound Sterling is in constant fluctuation:

Shipping is €300 per shipment - this includes the return of our special tank, packing and administration.

Sperm:

€350 per unit of IUI-ready sperm from an open donor .

€275 per unit of ICI sperm from an open donor.

The price for the Pregnancy Slot is £1000/€1050 - which is a once off payment as long as you do not change donor. _

Plus, to have full access to all donors info on their website, you need to pay 100 Euros.

It's an expensive option when importing to a UK clinic (but there's no waiting list).
The woman I've dealt with at ESB (Janne) is extremely helpful and will send a spreadsheet of the donors who are registered in the UK (you can't tell by looking at the website).

I love the fact there's a lot of info on each donor - some clinics here give you hair, eyes, height and maybe job if you're lucky...

OneStep


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

i also contacted ESB and they seemed expensive.... the extra info was nice and i liked that side of it but DP didnt she said it creeped her out to know so much and see baby pics of them etc


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## Elpida (Feb 11, 2008)

Hi Cornflake and welcome.

I started this journey seriously just over a year ago but researching local clinics, their costs and wait for donor sperm - I went through the list on the HFEA website and spent a morning phoning them all. I then went to my GP for a referral letter and the screening tests. If you've made the decision that this is a path you want to take then just go for it - there are so many decisions to be made along the way and lots of different options but most of them you can't know about until you start. Of course, there's a wealth of knowledge on this board - I'd have been lost without the lovely ladies here.

Now that clinics can't refuse single women treatment there are lots more options, especially for those of us outside London, however the waiting times for sperm can be problematic. Leicester may not be too far for you and they have reasonable rates for IUI and usually seem to have donors.

Good luck!

E


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## Lucy-Lou (Sep 21, 2008)

Hi Cornflake and all,

I have not been on the site for ages - must update my profile ( I have had another go recently but BFN this time).  I was interested to hear you talking about importing sperm from for example Denmark.  I actually go to a very nice clinic in Aarhus in Denmark to have my treatment if you wanted to consider that (I chose my desired donator from the European Sperm Bank and they got it for me).  One insemmination procedure costs £580, flights vary but I estimate usually my flights, accommodation and food money etc - Total approximately £850 or so.  Obviously there will be 2 of you travelling but this would only mean an extra flight cost of about £130'ish as the accommodation I could recommend to you is the same for 2 people as for one (mini-apartment in the city centre - own kitchen).

The city is really lovely aswell.  And the clinic is just run by 2 midwives and is very personal and relaxed.  Just thought I'd tell you about it as another alternative to consider.

Lucy-Loux


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Hello cornflake

Welcome to our threads!  I'm so glad that you have found us and hope you will be able to find all the information you need.

As you can see I have been lucky to have my miracle baby and making her is just the best thing I have ever done!I was lucky enough to conceive using IUI which is much cheaper than IVF (my 5 treatments cost a total of £4000 approx).  There is a big variety in donor sperm availability around the country so it is definitely worth doing a bit of research - I know that Leicester ACU and Manchester Fertility Services have in the p[ast had much more availability than other clinics so they could be worth a try.

If you have any questions don't hesitate to post

some1

xx


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Hello Cornflake and welcome to the site. Glad that you have found us, you will gain so much information, advice and support from the lovely ladies on here. Good luck with your journey  

Lou-Ann x


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

hi Lucy- Lou is that Diers Klink


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## madmisti (Sep 1, 2008)

Cornflake - just saw your post on the fur baby thread and wondered where you were posting and here you are!  So osrry you lost your partner so young - tragic    It is great that you have come to a place now where you can focus on having a much longed for baby - and also that you haven't left it as late as many of us so you have a better chance of it working  

After looking at all the costs,waiting times etc in UK, I jumped straight to having treatment abroad ( at Reprofit in Czech Republic) as is much cheaper and no waiting for donor sperm.

Sure you wil find your way pretty quick now you have found FF - there is a wealth of info, experience, support and people to answer questions here  .

Good luck with the journey  
Misti x


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Thank you all for taking the time to share your thoughts.  Already, I'm begining to believe that I have more options than I previously believed which is amazing.  
Can someone please enlighten me though what some of the abbreviations used are....... I know IUI and IVF and I'm guessing that TTC is "trying to conceive" but what is BFN?

Some1, where did you go for your IUI treatments?  That cost seems far more reasonable than I've seen elsewhere


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Cornflake, just dropping by to say hello and welcome.    Like Some1, I have also had a bub through DIUI, and there is a growing community of families like ours cropping up around the country.  Hope you find all the information and support you need on FF.  Please come and post on as many threads as suits you - everyone is remarkably friendly.  May all your dreams come true... 

Whoops - our posts crossed - BFN = Big Fat Negative (ie didn't get pregnant); BFP = Big Fat Positive.  There is a whole list of these somewhere on the website but hopefully someone will copy and paste a link for you.

A-Mx


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

BFN is big fat negative

there is a abbreviations guide heres the link

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/component/option,com_glossary/Itemid,202/


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Thank you!!  You guys really are something special 

Hugs to the whole lot of you!


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## ♥Jovial♥ (Feb 25, 2007)

Hi Cornflake,

Just wanted to wish you welcome and lots of luck .... glad you have found us, you'll get so much information and support from the wonderful ladies here  

Take care,
Jovi x


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## CAREbear1 (May 15, 2005)

Hi I've PMd you


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Thank you, Jovi 
Carebear, I can't see a pm.... has it sent ok?


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Cornflake and welcome  

The other girls have given great advice already in terms of shopping around for both clinic and donor sperm. Outside London you can definitely get cheaper treatment, but the wait for donor sperm can be longer

One of the cheapest options for IUI and IVF is the Czech Republic - many of us use Reprofit in Brno. Even with travel costs, it is cheaper than many of the UK clinics, but of course you have the logistics to manage - particularly for IUI when you might need to fly at short notice etc

Wishing you lots of luck whatever you decide, we're all here to help eachother so fire away if you have other questions,
Suitcase
x


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Thank you, Suitcase.  

My mind is in complete turmoil as to the best way forward.  I don't know whether any of you have been watching the new series, "Find me a Family" on tv tonight but my heart has just gone out to all of the children waiting for adoption on there......... I so want to give them all a happy home.


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Cornflake,

Yes, I caught the second half of the program (I have evening class on Monday night so missed the first half hour) 
I'd be really happy to adopt but to be honest I've been scared off by the negative stories I've heard and read about how hard it is to adopt as a single person...but there must be some positive stories out there somewhere....

I think it's a single woman next week on the program - be interesting to see her experiences

Suitcase
x


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Indeed, it does look as though it's a single woman next week and I'll be most interested to see how it works out for her.


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Hi Cornflake,

Just wanted to say hello and welcome   you have had some great posts and suggestions from people and it can all be quite overwhelming at first so take it easy and give yourself time to explore your options and decide what's best for you.

The first thing that I did was see my GP and get some tests done, hopefully yours will agree to do them for you for free  

Most clinics do open days which might be good to go to so that you can find out more about treatment options in the UK. I also read a couple of books on single parenting which really helped me to think things through, I can't remember the names right now   but if you are interested that I (or someone else who has a functioning brain) can tell you the details.


bingbong x


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

bingbong, I'd be very grateful for the information on the books you've read.  I have books on fertility etc. but not on actual single parenting so that would be very interesting


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Hi again Cornflake

Single Mothers By Choice by Jane Mattes
Choosing Single Motherhood by Mikki Morrissette 
Knock Yourself Up: No Man? No Problem? by Louise Sloane 
Single by Chance Mothers by Choice by Rosanna Hertz 

You can get them all on Amazon. I have read the Jane Mattes and the Louise Sloane, found them both useful. Struggled with the Louise Sloane one at first but it grew on me. I think that they are all American and things work a bit different there but until Winky writes a book they are the best that we have   Happy reading  

Bingbong x


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Thank you  
I have now ordered each of those books from Amazon and can't wait for their arrival.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Cornflake welcome - there Are single mothers who have successfully been through adoption on here and I am sure would share their experience.I have a friend approved to adopt an under 2 so it us possible. Good luck. L x


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## cornflake (May 10, 2009)

Thank you, JJ1.  Did it take long for her to become approved?


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