# Controlling emotions when telling family



## Monkey008 (Nov 30, 2011)

Hello,

not posted on here for a long time, but we have some great news, my wife is pregnant using DIVF (twins).  We just had our 12 weeks scan and ready to tell extended family (our immediate family have known since the start).

Before getting to this stage I have read a number of books (from the DCN library) and lots of threads on this forum, which helped me greatly to get to the point of using DI/DIVF.  All the literature confirmed that we would be open with people from the start, but that was 9-12 months ago, and recently my mind was concentrating on going through DI/DIVF.  

Now that we have got to the point of telling the extended family all the feelings from 2 years ago (finding out I have noa)  have come flooding back, and the excitement of being pregnant is turning into sadness, and all the tears are coming back.

I am worried that when I tell people I will breakdown, and when I discussed it with my sister-in-law, who already knows, I did breakdown (this was only an hour ago).

We want to be honest with the extended family (7 aunts and uncles and their children) as they will be part of our children's lives (although I would not class all as being part of the inner circle, but can't tell some and not others, as the others would find out, so would be better to come from us rather than being sordid gossip).

So after the long background, does anyone have any advice on how to tell extended family and dealing with the emotions it may bring.

Thank you in advance.
G


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Hi monkey,

Congratulations on your twinnies! We didn't go down the donor route so forgive me for jumping in but there are so many aspects of IF that are emotional I thought I might be able to help a little given our experiences. I suffer with severe endo and when I was diagnosed found it in really hard to talk about and confide in people without ending up a blubbering mess. I did find though that the more I talked about it the less emotional and raw it was so the less likely I was to break down and cry. 
I would say tell each family group seperately starting with your closest extended family, ie the ones that you trust most and mind least about breaking down in front of. It's no bad thing to let them see how painful this whole process has been and I would emphasise that if you do end up becoming emotionally overwrought it is because reliving the last however many years of your journey is emotionally draining and you are not crying because you are sad about where you are at now, you're delighted, it's just been such a painful process to get where you are. 
They're your family and the more honest with them you are, the more understanding they will have.
Once you've told the first few aunties and uncles I bet it'll not be an issue for you worrying about whether or not you'll break down. It's such fun finally beig able to say 'we're pregnant!!!' that the pain will start to fade from the rest of it.

Happy sharing!

X
Ducky


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Hi I just wanted to offer my advise.  After I was told I couldn't have children a long battle to establish that 7 years of trying it was a relief to know we could do something.  We embarked on the biggest journey of all donor egg Ivf.  3 attempts later I fell pregnant and the pregnancy stayed and I have my beautiful 14 month old daughter who well just adore its mind blowing...

My advise is tell the close family friends as soon as which u done and then tell others as it comes up.  I didn't tell too many till I was 20 weeks as I suppose I never believed it.  Yes I brokedown a lot tears of joy disbelief some because I was worried my little girl wouldn't look like me (although strangely she does) but is the double of my husband.  I would say be strong which u r for going through this and just go at your pace.  I think its lovely u writing on here be strong for your wife boy oh boy she needs u as the adjusting is hard so hard.  My only worry well its not worry is telling my little girl when the time is right we will but she was made with so much want and love and that's what I will tell her.  Once u told the people u need to move on enjoy the pregnancy its no big issue once they know yes they may ask a few questions and some think oh right a bit unusual but the fact u going to be a parent wow wow..... Good luck be strong go at your pace and hey if you cry so be it they r years of pain but tears of happiness yes your scared but let it out being a mummy well its the most exciting rewarding job in the world..
😊 x


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## DaisyMaisy (Jan 9, 2011)

Congratulations! We have 12 month old twins. They are amazing! Get ready for chaos! Lol.

We used donor eggs and a surrogate. We told close friends about it being donor eggs, some people not. People just assumed the surrogate was carrying our children made from my eggs/his sperm. Extended family don't know. But that's been our choice. I'm sure it will come up at some stage as I always talk to thd twins about their tummy mummy and a nice lady to had to give us her eggs as mummy's eggs are broken. Do what you feel best- if now is not the right time and you just want to tell people that you are expecting, so be it. There will be a right time and place to divulge information. 

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy. Xx


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## Monkey008 (Nov 30, 2011)

Duckybun, Tamsutbadger and DaisMaisy thanks for your replies.  With your advice and re-reading of the DCN telling and talking to family book, we took the plunge and earlier today we told our extended family (well aunts and uncles).  We were honest about using donor sperm and not one person had any issue with that and all of them were extremely happy for us.  I know there will be questions in time, and they will all be directed to my parents, but I have told my parents that we are happy to answer any questions and help educate people about this subject.

It is easy to look back at it now and wonder why I was so worried, and I didn't end up breaking down when telling everyone the good news.  My wife and I did this together and we are both relieved it is done and happy with the responses we got.

we are meeting up with some friends tonight for dinner so will be telling them about the pregnancy, although we have decided to keep the donor private.

We ordered the DCN telling and talking 0-7yrs book which arrived yesterday as we plan to start talking about how we made our family now.

Looking forward to the chaos.


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