# What to say if someone asks if you have children?



## girl1970 (May 30, 2011)

Hi all

What do you say to someone who asks if you have children?  It's a seemingly innocuous question but if you simply say "no" there's usually an uncomfortable silence where you can almost see the brains working of the person who has asked wondering what to say next.

I can't think of anything back to say that doesn't sound defensive or gives too much away.  Usually the person has just been talking about their own children, so you can't ask the same question back.  

There must be something!  This has happened a couple of times in the last week and it makes me feel so raw.  How have other people managed with this?

Thank you xxx


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## Karen_S (Feb 17, 2011)

Hi girl1970,

I saw your post and could not ignore it.
LIke you, I'm 40+ and have to face that question far more than my mental state can cope with.

I used to just answer "no", but I read once that you can answer "Sadly, no" and that tells them nicely that you don't and possibly can't have children.
Other advice I was given is just to say 'not yet'. However, after reaching 40 that seems a little stupid becuase it's not like we have years and years left right?  

Whatever you answer, just be ready with another question for them. I call it the "teflon' strategy and the best thing you can do is deflect the attention away from yourself and 'that' topic and move on.

So where are you at with tx at the moment?
Hope it all goes well and you won't be needing the above advice very soon.

Take care
Karen


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi ladies,

I can't answer for myself, but a close friend of mine who is 43yrs old and has had 6 failed IVF's finds it easier to just be up front and honest.  Normally people then shut up straight away or just apologise and then talk about something else.

However I can understand that some people are more private and don't want to discuss it.

It took me 4 years and IVF to get my son who I had at 36 yrs old and when people asked me if I wanted kids, I just used to say that I was having to much fun and enjoying my holidays and nights out to much to even think about it.  I actually had a friend who was married and had 2 children tell me how lucky I was!  If only she knew. 

I wish you both lots of luck in the future.

Stacey
x


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## ratz (Nov 16, 2011)

Hi all, I got this q last weekend at a christening (6 days after 4th BFN); couldn't snap at the guy who asked "Do you have lots of children?", since he was a very charming 80-year old man, so I just said no. Deflection is a good strategy; though I did snap at some family (on OH's side) a few years ago when they asked why we didn't have kids, "Because IVF doesn't always work!". Cue deathly silence...probably not nice of me to make them feel bad, but they got me on a weak day (and they're OH's rellies, and he's the reason I have to have people and probes peering up my fruff every 5 mins - so maybe it was karmic). Sometimes I just say "No, I have cats". I suppose if I finally have to give up trying I'll say that I couldn't have any, but I'm not ready to say that yet. Is your friend still trying, Staceysm?

Karen, have you ever tried "Sadly, no"? I wonder if it might invite a "Why not?" response, which might be even harder to deal with?

girl1970, have seen you on some other threads; best of luck.

Ratz x.


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## butterflies4ever (May 22, 2010)

I got so use to this question being asked throughout my 20's my reply was *'I haven't found the right guy yet'*
Early 30's I justed replied *'None as yet' * so your basically not ruleing out ever having children without having to go into too much information. I found that if i was to explain my situation in depth, i'd most definanitely become upset & then start dwelling on my IF probs......

It's so hard to put on a smile when saying it, but i had to think to myself, *IT WILL HAPPEN ONE DAY *   (after my 11th cycle)

Remember that ladies x

Electra x


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Ratz,

For the time being my friend has decided to stop.  She has had 5 IVF's in the 2 years she has been married and really feel's that IVF has taken the enjoyment out of what should be the honeymoon period.  Her DH has two teenage children from his first marriage and although financially they can go on, she feels tired emotionally.

Like many couple's they have so much to offer a child and it does seem so cruel.

Good luck to you lovely ladies and never give up on your dreams.

Stacey
x


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## girl1970 (May 30, 2011)

Hi all,

Karen - thanks so much for your reply - deflection is really good advice. I find it sometimes difficult to think of something to segue into without it sounding like you're avoiding the question though...  eg "do you have any children" - "no, isn't it great weather we're having"  maybe I need to go on a conversation course!  You're right also about how the older you get the less you can say "not yet" - it's fine to say that in your early/mid 30s but older than that you run the risk of people talking about biological clocks ticking, which makes me want to thump them.

Ratz - thanks for your good wishes, and so sorry to hear of your BFN.  I like your idea of saying "no I have cats". Maybe I should get some cats...  Of course I could just lie and say I do, they might not ever find out...  

Stacey - I wish I could be as upfront as your friend, she sounds great.  I am quite private, and I don't usually feel comfortable sharing this part of myself with someone I don't know (and also who may not be a friend).  It feels like I have exposed myself, if that makes sense.  Good luck to your friend for future tries.

Thanks Electra for your positive vibes, hopefully they will work one day.  I got my second BFN yesterday so not sure yet what my next move is.  I've just turned 41 so the dream does seem a little further away now.

Take care everyone. xxx


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## butterflies4ever (May 22, 2010)

Sorry it was a BFN girl1970   stay strong   

Electra x


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## Kuki2010 (Oct 22, 2009)

Girl1970   be kind to yourself.
Love. Kukixx


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

One good reply I never thought of at the time 'Not yet, but we're working on it' and give them a bit of a smile.

Before I got lucky and had my DD, I could never bring myself to pretend I was childless out of choice.  I suspect there are more people with IF out there than we realise, because people don't like to mention it.  If I thought the person I was talking to would be understanding, I would mention IVF.  There's quite a lot of ignorance out there among people who produce without difficulty (my friend who had 4 children just assumed you went to a clinic and get pregnant and was quite shocked when I said we had had several goes and been unsuccessful.  If you don;t mind talking about it (and I fully accept that not everyone does) I think it's helpful to the world for people to know more. 

EG x


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## ratz (Nov 16, 2011)

girl1970, so sorry about your BFN.   Ratz x.


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## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Hi girl1970, 

I'm new to FF, so just catching up on some reading.  I'm sorry to hear about your BFN.  

Re your question:  I usually say "No, but I've always wanted them.." and from that short answer, they usually assume I haven't been able to have any so far....you can see their brain doing the maths...and they generally change the subject to the weather! 

The ones that probe further usually do so out of caring, rather than nosiness, so I don't mind entering into a conversation with them about it. 

But that's just me.  I hope you find a way of answering that question that suits you.  And fingers crossed that one day soon you can answer in an altogether different manner  

Liesa x


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## Cazne (Jul 19, 2009)

Hi girl 1970,

I always say 'no' and then wait for the uncomfortable silence to pass.  There are some persistent people who will then ask 'do you want children?' I just say 'yes'.  I then deflect as other people have suggested - I'll ask them about their own families - its a sure fire way to get the attendion away from you because if people have children, they are generally happy to talk about them! 

This approach isn't for everyone tho - it can be tough listening to others talking happy families.  I don't mind it because I think on the whole, those who ask the questions are really just making conversation, trying to find a common interest and it's not their fault that I can't have children.  Nor do I want them to know about it.

I've found with this approach that that most people get the message that I don't want to talk about family planning and on the whole they seem to respect that.

Cazne x


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## barlismum (Sep 16, 2011)

Its always the inevitable question isnt it  " Do you have children?".. When i was younger and still trying/hoping i used to feel quite irritated by the question,particulary if i simply said no and some people pursued it by asking why not... Now many years later ( but still asked the question by some) i just say " sadly no i could not have them" ... ..People are naturally curious and i am not as sensitive as i used to be, but having said that i am still amazed at the incidents of incredible thoughtlesness and insensitivity displayed by some ( family and in laws in particular).. I have managed to develop a thicker skin but fear it will never be completely impenetrable... My mother in law ( for instance) will go out of her way to ring us to tell us someone is pregnant. A year  ago my sis in law was in tears in front of me because she didnt think she was going to be a granny ( her daughter had only been married 6 months) she has now just become a grandmother...I did politely point out that she was fortunate to be a mother let alone a grandmother, but people are so wrapped up in themselves they sadly do not think..


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## babygirlforme (Jul 10, 2011)

HI LADIES, when I am asked if I have children, I answer to some people NO and to other people YES, BUT SHE DIED... 
Best wishes


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## Kitty_Kate (Nov 2, 2007)

Here in Kuwait they're into big families, and I'm sure that fellow teachers who are muslim feel pity for me not having kids.  So when they ask "Why not?" as they all do, I reply in full details about DH's vasectomy and reversal and treatments... No-one ever asks twice!


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## stumpy_UK (Aug 5, 2011)

i always give very simple answers.  a simple 'no' does it.  if they then say 'oh but you'd be a great mum!' i just grit my teeth and shrug and say 'life didn't work out that way' or 'life doesn't always turn out that way' and hope they take the hint to leave it alone!

family can be really hard.  when your own sister (who had her own problems conceiving but now has 2 beautiful girls) teases you about not having children....  i couldn't speak to her for months after that.  she was either cruel, insensitive or so self absorbed that she hadn't registered 15 years of operations and investigations for me......  whichever it was, i couldn't bear to be around her.  i still don't know what the right response to her would have been that wouldn't have caused familial world war III

my OH hasn't told any of his family what is happening. which makes it hard for me as i know they are watching and waiting for 'bundle of joy' news.  without actually realising we are trying harder than they can possibly imagine.


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## Cazne (Jul 19, 2009)

Isn't it just awful? I try and avoid the conversations whereas really what I want to do is be able to join in with tales of my own.  Its so sad.

After we were married and ttc and before we knew it wouldn't happen naturally people were constanty quizzing us - probably because we were newly weds.  I used to say 'yes, we're just waiting for the biology to work' - it seem so naive now!!


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## parva stella (Mar 26, 2011)

I find an emphatic NO works....I can usually bare the awkward silence...and then they rattle on about their brood...folk who get kids 'the easy way' as I call it tend to be oblivious to other folks problems anyway.

And if they persist and I feel up to it....I find 'you dont always get what you want in life' generally shuts them up, and I can make my escape!


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## stumpy_UK (Aug 5, 2011)

LOL.  it's the ones who stop all embarrassed when you say 'no i don't have children' as they literally have NOTHING else to talk about and no other topic so don't know what to talk about.  i smile sweetly and ask about their kids.  or pointedly ask if they have any hobbies or interests (mean?  moi?).

it does make me angry tho when they literally have no concept of any other life except one that revolves entirely around children.  most of my friends are fine, but sometimes you meet someone who really does think that my life is worthless because i don't have kids.  without realising there are other ways to be happy, productive and contribute to society.


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