# Just letting a bit of it out



## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Can i vent here please ?
I got my BFN today , I kinda thought it might be coming and prayed that it wouldnt , but only cause i didnt have achy boobs , I just kept reading and re reading the posts that said you could get a BFP without achy boobs , I guess thats the crazy point the longing for a child drives us to  
I've had a few aches and pains all through my 2WW , but again read the posts and convinced myself it could be a good sign  
It's all so bloody hard isnt it  
I suffered a ruptured ectopic pg in Oct , and now i think 'what if that was my only chance' , the lyrics to a song i don't even like keep coming back to me , they were in my head when i lost our angel , but now there back ,
Eminem 
''You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime''
Its crazy i know   just keep thinking ''This opportunity comes once in a lifetime'' what if i've missed my oppertunity and spend the rest of my life chasing something thats never going to be mine  
I feel like i've allready witnessed the depths of despair in Oct , and with the depression i've suffered since , I'm determind i'm not going back down there but it hurts dosent it , it hurts so much and its so bloody unfair   .
Feel awfull for putting DH through all this too . I've been a bit of a basket case since Oct , i know we married for better of for worse , but neither of us forsaw all this , I know i've gotta pick myself up again , i just wonder what the future will hold , how much more of this will he take ?
Well ........ after trying so hard and failing again i decided to have coffee and chocolate cake for breakfast , which kinda made me   I decided i ought to be busy to try and occupy my mind ,I've since cleaned the lounge and kitchen polished the windows , done some gardening and swept all round outside , now i feel kinda sick  
Really craved a *** this morning , well , i guess not craved one , but could have done with one , the old mentality of going back to the dummy in a crisis , i don't know wether it was to ease my feelings or to punish myself   , i'm pleased to say i resisted though .
Proberbly going to get a chinese tonight and drink alcohol , not that it will solve anything , but just cause i can .
Thanks for letting me vent 
Freespirit
x


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## allison kate (Aug 9, 2005)

Sweetheart, I so wish it had been a different outcome this time for you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers

Allison xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## dissyissy (May 19, 2005)

Free

A lot of what you said struck a cord with me.
I had a miscarriage as well, and am now wondering if that was my one chance and blew it.
Also, when I got my BFN a few days ago, I was soooo close to buying a pack of 10 marlboro lights
It is hard, there is no denying it.
Maybe try and listen to some postive music, like Aaliyah
'if at first you don't succeed, dust yourself off and try again'

In the meantime enjoy the alcohol and the chinese. You deserve it
And a big hug coming your way


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## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Dissy , 
I'm not actually listening to Eminem , that wouldnt happen , don't do that sort of thing , it's just in my head   ( if you understand ) . 
My radio is firmly tuned to Planet Rock and I have had it on all day !!
Thanks for the hugs ladies ,
Freespirit


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Hun  wish I could give you a real life hug instead, I am sorry


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

sending you loads of    it is sooo hard getting a BFN 

take all the time you need and vent on here whenever you feel like it hun, 

take care sweetie and i hope you begin to feel more positive soon    

pam xx


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## ♥ cat ♥ (Apr 13, 2003)

Aww hun I'm really sorry you are feeling so low.     

But please remember to never give up. I had a negative on my 1st IVF on Saturday and i felt like someone had kick the life out of me, but i decided that I'm going to give it 110% on my next shot. I went in to my 1st shot abit stupid i thought to myself that this is definitely going to work and i will be a mum by next Christmas. 

As my mum said to me that everything in life happens for a reason and what will be will be, never ever give.
''This opportunity comes once in a lifetime'' your opportunity has not come around yet,  but i bet it is real close, so enjoy your drink tonight cause you deserve it.

Oh and well done for stopping smoking and a HUGE well done for not having one, i know its soooo hard and you feel like it will help, but trust me it wont. I stopped 2months ago and thats the first thing i could of had after the negative but i thought NO and had a nice bit of chewing gum instead. Not much point starting again just to go through the struggle to stop. 

You take care 

And I'm thinking of you

Alison xxxx


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## RACHEL L (Jan 18, 2006)

Freespirit,

Rachel here, like you we had a BFN today too.  Like you we are going to graze on a takeaway and drink a bottle of wine...like you hon, I craved for a smoke...unlike you I didn't resist and now feel really stupid!  Keep going Hun, be strong!  Stay off the ****, I'm sure my will power will return tomorrow!

Rachelxx


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## MummytoKeira (Jan 5, 2005)

Freespirit and Rachel~ I am so sorry for your BFNs...Please look after yourselves. 

Em xx


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## Smurfs (Oct 19, 2004)

Freespirit

I am so sorry to read your post, my heart goes out to you at such a hard and sad time. A hard part of reading your post was it was like I could have written some of it   

I am so sorry, sending you so much love and such a big hug  

Shaz xxx


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## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Feel absouloutly shattered yesterday and today  
I have thrown myself into anything i can to occupy my mind with things , and now i 'm paying for it .
I've done loads of work in the garden , which now looks great , but after hardly doing anything at all , and i mean anything , since my ectopic in Oct i feel worn out .
I was so determing to keep busy , and not let myself slide into depression , now i'm just sat infront of the pooter , not even dressed  
Oh well , don't know why i'm writing this - maybe it helps - i don't know  
Think i ought to make myself go put some music on and shower .........


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## *lisalou* (Mar 11, 2005)

freespirit...

hi hun, hope you feeling a little better , i know its hard, ive been busy too trying 2 take my mind off   and its bloomin hard aint it!!?? theres one thing i bet ive got the cleanest house on my street  but now thats done its back to thinkin of what could have been.    im always ere if u need 2 chat, i share the pain..dont be alone 
love lisa xxxxx


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## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Hi Lisa , 
Thanks for your message   I so now what you mean about having a clean house , theres only so much cleaning you can do isn't there .
I feel really fed up , not really done much all day , i've tried to do bits of things but just keep finding myself back here .
To be honest i could easily poor a glass of wine right now , but i know that would be a bad idea cause later i have to take my poorly dog to the vet  
It never rains does it hun  
If your feeling anything like me and want a chat i'll bein the chat room for a while , i went in earlier today , but it was sooo quiet  
Freespirit
x x x


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## Fidget (Jan 27, 2005)

Free 

My darling I have only just seen this *slap* me for being so slack  

Hunni  I am sooooooo sorry and just dont have the words to say to you, but you know I am here if ever you need me 

Love always

Debs
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## sal24601 (Jan 3, 2005)

Freespirit,

I can so identify with what you have written, you could have read my mind. We have just got our 3rd ICSI N, and feel as if our world has come to an end. I have been finding solace in filing! And red wine! Also feel the urge to have a ***, only reason I haven't is down to a stinking cold at the moment.

I dont know why its so hard but I do believe there is some kind of plan, and when our chance comes along all the pain will melt away and be repleced with utter joy. we just have to keep going till then.

Long live Planet Rock! We will survive.

Sal


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## sugary (Feb 17, 2006)

Hi, I'm new to this site and just read your posting...i've come to the conclusion that life is just unfair for lots of people.....there's nothing you've done or haven,t  that would have made a difference....i've spent numerous months living like a puritan and it made NO difference !!!! 
i've always thought of it like this...remember those electric circuit boards in school...it all had to link up to light the bulb and if there was one thing not lined up forget it (at the moment I am definately not lined up at all!) all you can do at the moment is take a bit of me time and indulge yourself...you deserve it and ceraintly don't deserve all that's happening to you.

take care.

Sarah.


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