# Why do we have to go through this?????



## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Hi
Tested today and my little embies are no longer with me.  Feel lost, empty and totally devasted.  Why, oh why do we have to go through this.  Life is so unfair, why is it that we are the ones who so desperately want to hold our own baby but can't.  There are so many unfit mothers in this world, they drag their children up and they don't care about them but women like us who so desperately want and need their own babies and who would give them more love and devotion than anyone, have to struggle and cope with failed treatments - going through the 2ww living each day in hope only to have those hopes knocked away.
Find it hard to describe the grief I feel, my little embie babies have died and I don't know when and I don't know why... maybe it's my fault, maybe I have done something wrong in my life that someone somewhere has decided to play this cruel trick on me and take away the one thing I want most in the whole world.
I am so sorry for sounding so negative but this is really the most gut wrenching sort of grief and I am finding it hard to cope with it.
I read this poem on Minow's 2ww and have decided to post it with this message as it sums up how I feel and how I am sure all you feel too.
Love
Tracy

Dream of motherhood

When the day seems long 
And the hours drag by
I close my eyes and dream

I dream of that babe I long to hold in my arms
And of the day I become a mum

When it’s all too much 
And the world’s not fair
I close my eyes and dream

I dream of my baby and its beautiful smile
And of the day I become a mum

When I feel alone
And oh so sad
I close my eyes and dream

I dream of laughter and of happier times
And of the day I become a mum

When there is no answer or words to explain
The pain I feel inside

I dream that one day a miracle will happen 
And I will become a mum

When the day is long
And life is hard
And no-one seems to care
I hold in my heart that dreams can come true
and one day I will be a mum


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Oh tcbp - I soo understand how you feel, we've just had our final cycle fail.

You did nothing wrong hunni and don't ever feel bad about being negative, you're not.  You're grieving, it so devasting isn't it.  I don't think anyone can understand unless they've been through it, that's why this site helps so much.  I don't even think our poor DH's can totally understand as it's happenning to our bodies and emotions.

Thinking of you - pm me if you need a shoulder
Nix
xx


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## deirdre (Nov 28, 2004)

I read your post Tracy and know exactly how you feel.  It does get better, but you cope as opposed to forget.  Life has to go on and 90% of the time it does, but every now and then we get down, something triggers it again.  For me today, it was talking to a friend about her SIL planning to adopt a 2nd baby from China.  Life isn't fair.  I have 3 nieces all under 21 and they have 4 kids + one on the way. It really p** me off at times, they have no cares in the world and live off governments hand-outs.  They just decide to have another baby and bingo it happens.

I had my 2nd ICSI in Jan which didn't work. Now waiting to hear when I can have 3rd and final ICSI, should be mid-summer we think.  I'm feeling apprehensive, I want the tx now but also don't because we have decided this is last attempt and then move on with life whatever the outcome.

I am 38 and been trying for 4 years, got blocked tubes so ICSI only hope.  My DH has 2 children from his 1st marriage - I love them dearly and they spend half the week with us, treat them like my own BUT ... they aren't and I long for my own child. 

this site is great when you need to let off steam or some support. Unless you have been through fertility tx, you can't understand really.


Chin up, let out your emotions, don't pretend you aren't greiving. No-one expects you to act as if nothing has happened. 

Take care, 
Dee x


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Hi Dee
Thank you so much for your lovely kind words.  It sounds like you too have had a hard time of it - IF is the most awful thing!
I wish you so much luck, love and     for your tx in summer.  I will keep surfing FF as it is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes, so I will look out for you and be routing for you
Love
Tracy


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Nix
Much love and thanks for your kind words of support.  I am so sorry about your final failed cycle.  How strong you are to keep on offering others encouragement and hope

Love
Tracy


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