# Am I being overly sensitive



## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi all - I'm after a bit of advice really.

Our son was placed nearly 2 months ago now and when he came to us his FC had put together a little book with lots of photos of him with birth mother along with some commentary. 

Last night his parents came to stay. First visitors really since he was placed so they have only seen him briefly on 2 occasions before and honestly it annoys me they don't show the same excitement as they do when one of their daughters gives birth - I am trying not to be too sensitive about that but then my husband brings out the book and is going to start going through everything about birth mother with them. It's not a big secret but it's his history and I don't feel it is open for everyone especially when they don't even know him yet - I think the effort should be in getting to know their latest grandchild and not having a good old chat about what his birth mother was like, what happened, why he didn't stay with her etc.

I basically made a fuss and put the book away saying it's not some thing I want shared at this point.

So question is am I being over the top and what are your opinions?


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

Not being over sensitive in my opinion. Its now secret that my boy is adopted but on DH and I know anything of his past and its for us to share as and when appropriate. I've had insensitive comments where folks have tried to guess or think the worst because you wont tell them.  I'd be having a big chat with DH and try and ask why he thinks that's ok.  

I can understand sometimes people have over shared when linking etc when needing help making a decision or there is info extended family may need to know i.e. disability/health worries but by 2 months in I would expect my DH to be ultra protective and know that this is your LO's info and you are really only the guardians of that info (your child may choose to tell more info than you would like etc but you can only support.

Just my opinion and feelings about it and he maybe felt he had good reason to - either way though it should be a joint decision so best have a chat and let him know your feelings and get to what you want going forward.

Remember the adage though once out it cannot be forgotten.
hug x x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Prior to our little one being placed 14 weeks ago, we sent an email to our nearest and dearest stating some boundaries.  In it we mentioned the lo was our son.  He has a past, but it is his story to tell and share as and when he wants to.  We will not be sharing any information so please don't ask. I wanted people to love him for him and not pre judge or formulate opinions.

Everyone has respected our wishes except my mil.... Which I new she would find difficult.  She has asked outright questions on three occasions.  I said to dh I was going to say something, so I took the easy route and emailed and said, p,ease do not ask us about lo as its getting awkward to skirt around the subject etc.... No comment was made, but duly noted I am sure.

I am so leased dh and I have been on the same page and have keep things very close to our chest.  Not because we are ashamed, but very much in protection of our little boy. It's his life. His story and we have to protect him, until he is able to make his own choices.  No one will be looking at that very private information unless he gets it out and shows people.

I was worried about people's reactions to our son as wanted it to be special and on the whole he has been wonderfully received... You may feel over sensitive and that's ok..... It's a wonderful thing  being a parent in this very special way but it is difficult.... Some people, no matter what y say or how you handle it, will never understand, and some will surprise you beyond all measure and that is magical.  

You and dh enjoy your new little family as you are all that matters in this.  Hang in there xx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Thanks for the replies. I think we should have talked about this but I just assumed my DH would be on the same page without the discussion. I was made to feel like I was being really over the top last night but I wanted to check in with people who are actually in my position for some validation.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I'm  sorry that MIL is being a pain. No one knows  our daughters  backgrounds  except  me and DH. I have two very close friends  on here who  are  also adoption  mummies  and they know most of my daughters  background  information  because  I  know  and trust them as fellow  adopters as well as friends  and we regularly  support  each  other  with how to drip feed life story  etc. However  no family  etc know anything. 

My Grandma  asked some inappropriate  questions  but tbh that's  her personality  she asks inappropriate  questions  all the time. When my cousin  got married  her husbands  best friend and best 'man' was  a woman and she asked if they dated. One question  she asked is oh they haven't been  abused have they? I  wasn't  there and my Mum didn't know  what  to  say and said  I don't  think  so. I explained  that any child  placed for adoption  and not  taken at birth  has been  subjected  to  a sub standard  level of care at best which  is  neglect  which  is  abuse. However  having  been abused  is not a reflection  on who a person is or a criticism  of  them as they  hold no responsibility for  it. 

It's  not  a great  phase  but won't  last long  promise  xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I agree diva.  I am very adamant that my babies history is his and it's not ours to share.... as for mil she wants gossip and drama and is going to be given short thrift..... His past does not define who he will become.  He has a precious soul and that's what shines through xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Also anything  said  to others  is likely  to be discussed  amongst  themselves  which  could  het overheard  by lo or cousins  etc .  I  would  hate  my two  to  hear  anything  from  anyone  else  but me and DH


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

You have put in words my very concerns. I don't want people talking and being overheard so my son hears things about his history from cousins instead of from us. 

I also strongly feel that his birth family history does not define who he is and many people will struggle to move away from that once they know it. DH's mother works as some kind of community nurse and thinks she knows everything already. She didn't really endear herself to me this weekend saying she didn't like our sons name as she knows too many kids with his name from questionable backgrounds. I did manage to restrain myself from throttling her - I happem to think we have been very lucky with his name and I love it as a part of him.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

No one knows our son's background other than one friend who I told only for the purposes of legal advice. No one has seen his lifestory book and if we do decide to share it, it will be with someone who is committed to our son. You are not being over sensitive


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Not being overly sensitive at all.

We talked about what we wanted to share in training, and our SW wisely pointed out that our parents didn't need to know any of his background in order to be loving grandparents to him.  End of story.  

They don't know any of his background details, including his birth name or even what area of the country he was adopted from.

As soon as info goes out beyond yourselves, you no longer have any control on how it is shared, even with the best will in the world.  Since my dear departed mother used to make habit of discussing our fertility treatment with her friends, we know she'd have done the same with Bug's life story - I once had a complete stranger come up to me at Mum's church and say how sorry she was to hear our IVF hadn't worked.  I was kind to them, because they were only being kind themselves, but how I didn't lose it with Mum, I will never know....!

It's also worth remembering that you have had extensive training on how to handle your son's life story.  It's easy to forget, as the process goes on, that adoption has a heavy training and education element.  Your family haven't benefitted from that, so may not understand as you do how important this stuff can be.

Good luck!


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

I would also agree you are not being over sensitive at all. 
Our FC made a book for LO too but it doesn't have any reference to BPs in it. It has pics as a baby, details of milestones and pic of foster home. I did get this out at celebration party as I felt I wanted to share these things with my nearest and dearest. 
The life story book will remain just for us to see until the time is right to share with those we trust. All details of BPs and LO past history is only known by me and DH. It is sometimes difficult and I will admit I sometimes generalise in conversation with my mum to give her a little idea of the things LO may face/have been through. 
X


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Thanks everyone - I got my husband to read this thread and it was probably more useful than me trying to just explain my reasons to him. Last time around we adopted internaTionally so we dont have any history and didn't face this issue.

Anyway, after reading what everyone wrote here he is now on the same page as me 😀


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Glad it's been useful, Tictoc!  (Hi TicToc's Husband!  *waving*)

I hope we weren't too rabid.... ggg


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