# When is enough enough



## Stella100170 (Jan 11, 2010)

hi there ,in no means do i intend to insult or hurt anyone with this discussion ,it's a question about when it's time to call it quits regarding age.. when I last had a cycle of IVF it was 10 yrs ago and I had decided then that if I couldn't have a child by the age of 36 I would no longer try, but due to circumstances neither could I afford to go private or receive help on the NHS so I had basically called it quits at 30..My maternal instincts and craving had never fully gone away though.. I lived and coped  with being childless but had the odd day where i hated who i was and especially hated those who didn't give two hoots about their children,did they not realise how lucky they were to be blessed with such a gift,anyway getting to the subject with which i intended. After giving up for so long, but still craving for a child of my own I thought I'd try one last time aged 38 to ask my Dr if they could possibly treat my DH and I on NHS..previously I had asked about 4 or 5 times to be told the same answer " sorry we can't help you because your spouse has already got 2 children" which made me irate as it felt like i was being penalised for his and his ex's fortune.. so seeing the Dr i was expecting the same answer but to my astonishment they actually agreed that they could help ..i was completely ecstatic as I'd given up hope ,this was 2 yrs ago.I remembered what i had said all them years ago about what age I would last try  but could not give up on this opportunity so the beginning of this year aged 40 my DH and I started what is my fourth cycle on IVF (I'm now on the 2WW) I never dreamt that i would still be trying for a baby at my age let alone at all ,but there surely must be a stage when a woman ,including myself when we have to decide not to try anymore..I for one would definitely in no way want to attempt to try and have a baby in my 50s,, it would be so selfish of me for one thing ,apart from love what could i offer it,my health would be deteriorating by then ,my bones would showing signs of arthritis, I surely would not be able to kick a ball round a football pitch ..also death would cross my mind..with a large quantity of people these days the average length of life is 60-70 which means my child would only be 10 or in his/her teens .. I appreciate women who have that longing ,don't get me  wrong ..so do I but in all honesty would it be fair to the child in the long run if he/she had elderly parents?


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi i ask the same question, when is enough, enough? I think its probably a question that most of us ask ourselves.  I dont truly know i am 30 and for me its not about age, i have decided to give it 4 goes and if it does not work by then, well maybe it will never.  I (personally) dont want to be doing this in 10years time, yet again not cos of age but emotionally.  I hope that in 10 years time it will all be resolved one way or another.  I have considered other options such as adoption.

Saying this i dont know how i will feel so maybe i will continue, but to be honest i hope not.  We have given so much to make our dreams come true, and it is my biggest dream to have children, but in my opinion there must be more to life than wanting a baby.  xxxxxxx


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## apricot (Apr 21, 2008)

Personally I think you have to go with your heart and ask yourself 'when I am lying on my deathbead what is it I would regret?' if that is not having children, then you have your answer, if its travelling the world then maybe children are not so important. 

For me my cut off point is I think, menopause - if by then it hasnt worked then I think I will accept it and move on. But then I did say in my teens that I planned to be dead by 30 as life after that would be just tooooo old!!!! Funnily enough I changed my mind once I got there! So I wouldnt make any hard or fast decisions, just see where you get to - if children is the only theng that matters to you, then I am sure you will make a better mum even in your 50s than many do in their 20s - but if other things are important to you too they will probably naturally take over as your focus changes.

Big    and remember you are female - it is your perogative to change your mind!!!! xxxxxxxxxxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

apricot

Your message made me laugh my school friend always said she never wanted to get to 30 cos its just so old.  It was her 30th birthday the other day and had a great time


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## Orange Smartie (Dec 30, 2007)

I think it depends on the individual woman. One woman at 50 may be in perfect health, fit and energetic while another woman may be early 20's and in ill health etc.  I don't believe there should be a prescriptive, predetermined cut off for women wanting a child. 

Life span is increasing in the UK and especially if your own parents are fit and well, women can expect to live into their 80's and often beyond. There's no reason why a fit 50 year old can't have a baby imo. But there are lots of other people who would disagree....

xxx


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## butsy (Sep 25, 2008)

I think it's a personal decision, based on many factors not just age.  I'm now 35, which many would think is very young, but I've given myself another year before accepting that it won't happen and starting the adoption process.  That will probably give me 2 more IVF cycles which brings it up to 3.  DH and I have talked a lot and we both agree that we don't want to continue down this road for another 10 years.  We want to enjoy our lives, and if that means finding other ways to contribute to the world (other than providing it with our wonderful and talented offspring!), we would rather do that while we're still relatively young.  For us the decision to stop is more likely to be based on how much more treatment we're willing to put ourselves through rather than how old we are.

But everyone is different, and I'll probably change my mind in a year's time!!


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

butsy

Your post reflected our situation and how my dh and i feel.  We are on our second round of icsi at the moment have decided to give it a total of 4 goes, but like you dont want to continue another 10 years. xx


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## joeyrella (May 13, 2009)

hi
i have decided that once i get past 36 i don't want to carry on having any more treatment.  its because by then i will have been ttc for 10 years and i think that's long enough for me.  i have no negative feelings about women who try for longer, or who start trying at a later age, its more that our marriage has already been completely over-shadowed by infertility and i'm not prepared to spend the rest of our marriage putting ourselves through the stress of fertility treatment.  i think i have to have a cut-off point for my own sanity!


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Joeyrella  I feel the same, think its probably healthy to try and have a cut off point.xxxx


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## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

Read this post with interest. Never did I think I would be facing/contemplating cycle #6!! But I am yet to feel "enough is enough". I truly think you will know in your heart when you've had enough. Maybe after 3 tx maybe after 10 (hopefully not!!) but everyone has a limit and everyone's is different. I have friends who tell me they don't know how we've gone thru what we have but we have never thought of it that way. To us IVF is a means to an end and until we a) are told to give up or b) have had enough then we will carry on. Keep calm and carry on!!

PL x


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