# Children talking about birth siblings at school



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi everyone
Ive just come back from parents' evening at school. No major concerns over Missboo. She is good at trying and socialising, just needs practice with writing and reading. I must get some in with her over half term .

Anyway, after seeing the teacher, I was given Missboo's numeracy, literacy and topics books to look through in the corridor, and as any Mum, I was excited to see what she's been doing so far this term. In the topics book, I came across an activity they'd all done where they had to draw their families in height order. Great I thought, feeling very proud.
First on the picture she'd drawn Babyroo (being the smallest), then herself, and then me.... great and correct so far, then she'd drawn "Billy" and then Daddy.
All fine in that Babyroo is the smallest and Daddy is the tallest, but "Billy" ??
He is her birth brother... she knows nothing more than his name, but as far as she's concerned she has a brother. Whether she tells anyone at school any more than that I don't know.
But I don't know how to handle it.
When we were on holiday in the summer, she made friends with a girl and went on to tell her that she has 3 sisters and a brother. (2 foster sisters, one half brother). She has also remarked before that she has 3 mums and 3 dads.... me and Daddy, her foster parents and her birth parents. Well yes, she is right in a fashion, but I have pointed out that she only lives with us and no-one else.
Now to complicate things further she does actually have more than one birth sibling, which she has clearly forgotten about and I aren't going to remind her of that information unless absolutely neccessary.

But how can I help her understand that we are her family and the others although part of her history, aren't current family members and don't need to be shared with other people (ie, teachers and friends at school) ??

I have this strong feeling that as she goes through school, there'll be more and more pieces of work that she'll add her birth family to.

Has anyone else experienced similar and how do I handle the situation?


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

aww

Don't have any answers sorry, but just wanted to pop on and read and give you a big hug. ((())).

PBMxxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks hun  

I had an even bigger shock last night. Checked on birthmum's ** page (probably prompted by what happened at school) and found out that Missboo's grandma had died yesterday - this lady is one of my letterbox contacts who I always have had lovely letters from. 
So I feel really sad about that at the mo, and it's tricky knowing how to handle these types of situations. Obviously Missboo doesnt need to know anything and won't. But with them living locally I know the funeral will be in our local rag, and I will be looking for it and cutting it out for Missboo to keep. But I feel I should pay my respects some how. I know she was birthfamily and Im not supposed to feel any pull but I do. 
I am waiting for SS to inform me officially and see what they say.

Thanks for reading though x


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## ritzi (Feb 18, 2006)

no answers but huge hugs  

ritz


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hi ever
i have been sitting here thinking about the death of granny situation and pondering on how I would deal with it..I would feel as you do..that i had to do something. i think just an acknowledgement from your end would be suffice for the birth family, and would probably be enough to make you feel like you had done the right thing..would you be allowed to just send a card through the letterbox contect (as an extra to your normal contacts) saying that you were sorry to hear the news and how she always sent you lovely letters which DD will treasure etc etc. i think they would appreciate that and understand that you do care.

kj x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks KJ

I might just do that. Trouble is I don't want SS to know I already know via ********! So if it's in the paper's notices tomorrow I will email the SW and say Ive found out that way


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

HI Ever, 
Sounds like you're having a difficult time at the moment  . I hope that you can move the situation about the birth grandmothers death. 

No wise words I'm afraid about the school situation Charlie is a similar age to Miss Boo and I am finding it hard at the moment to balance his need to know/should know about the birth family (not that he seems that interested though really) and wanting him to feel like his friends. Charlie and Lola have a younger birth sibling which we're yet to tell them about. I guess that MissBoo's teacher knows that she's adopted, if not I would have a chat and perhaps have another chat anyway as she could 'help' her when doing work like this by saying 'are you going to draw, Mummy, Daddy and your little Sister?'. On the other hand maybe it's helping her in some way to include her birth family at times? I think the age Charlie and Miss Boo are at is a difficult one as they understand but don't really understand if you know what I mean. I guess the other thing to remember is that a significant amount of other children in class are likely to have family set ups with other siblings more than one mum etc as the get married have children stay married way of family life is not so usual any more. It's all so tricky isn't it...please excuse my incoherent ramblings? 

Sorry to hijack your thread but I wondered if I could pick you brains on a couple of things, as there aren't that many posting presently with older children, I remember you shared your last contact letter with Miss Boo, Charlie is now 6 and we just sent out letter box this year so may have a letter or two back soon, I know each child is different but do you think it was helpful for Miss Boo? Also, Charlie and Lola have 'adoption certificates' that our court made for them framed and on their wall, am thinking that maybe I should take Charlie's down as he's likely to have friends round to play who can read soon, I am very open about their adoption but hold back a bit at school don't know if I should   Anyway enough of me.

Hope you have a good weekend and get some resolution soon.

Viva
X


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Hun

I think you are right about if it is in the paper then contact SS about sending a card etc. 

Viva, not sure what say but my gut feeling is not to take it down as this may send a negative message to charlie. And with his friends 'if'and i feel it is a big if they do notice it, take it as it comes. Not sure if that helps. Pooh bear is now 5 and pinky coming up2 three so going through similar things.

PBMxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Not been on for a while so just seen this post.  

Ever, our DS is fully aware that he has half brothers.  We don't discuss them and he doesn't remember their names but he has seen a photo of himself with them and BM.  It was weird because he first brought the subject up out of the blue about a year ago when we were discussing the arrival of his cousins' new brother.  As I mentioned we don't tend to discuss his bf but he is obviously aware of them and sometimes he will ask questions like "is my brother bigger than Rhys? (our godson)" but I have no idea if he has discussed them with his friends and to my knowledge he has never mentioned his bf to his teacher.  He tends to mention his foster carers more but more in the context of what he did with them (eg going to Legoland) rather than disccusing them as individuals.  I was told by the phsycologist that now is a classic age for a child to start to try and understand their adoption.  Unfortunately however much we try and explain it to them they are still too young to understand properly.  I fully empathise with your fear that Missboo will more and more add BF to her school work as I have had similar fears myself but I think that it is because it is nicer for us as Mums to try and forget about bf and just concentrate on being a family.  However I think as they get older they will understand more and probably be more reticent about sharing their stories.  We are trying to do more life story work with Junior to help him understand but not too often because it can provoke difficult feelings.  

I think you've obviously come up with the best solution to handle the death of grandmother.  Good luck with it all.

Viva, we have had five lots of letter box replies for Junior.  We always mention when they come but to be honest we don't really show them to him as just the mention of them has provoked difficult behaviour as he struggles with the emotions they provoke.  I am torn, part of me would prefer not to mention them at all but then I think what would he say ten years down the road if I just tucked them in a box.  All chidren are different so it is hard to say how Charlie will react even though they are about the same age.  Junior has attachment difficulties which are more related to his early life experience rather than merely being adopted so we know he struggles with strong emotions and the confusion of making sense of contact letters definitely provokes strong emotions for him.  We have been advised to be as honest as possible and I am but in a reactive way in answer to questions rather than let's sit down together and read your postbox.  The worst bit I find is that you send out information but you get none back, just a brief note.  It has been almost a year since our last postbox when BM announced the arrival of Junior's new baby brother but we know nothing more apart from his name.

On the question of the adoption certificates IMO I think you should leave them up there, Charlie and Lola are used to seeing them on the walls and probably wouldn't understand if you took them down.  However I am sure that Charlie is old enough to say if he wants you to take them down if they make him uncomfortable with his friends in the same way that Junior told us he wanted school dinners because his friends didn't take sandwiches.  Great for him more money for us  

Sorry for the incoherent waffling just come back from a frenetic 5 days at Butlins which the kids loved but DH and I were both laid up with bad colds so feel like we need a long rest now.

love
Cindy


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Cindy,

Just popped in and saw you post, so thought i'd say hello.

Chat soon.

PBMx


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