# just when you think you're on the mend...



## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi everyone,
Well I thought I was getting somewhere, but then my friend came to stay who is 6months pregnant, the baby kicked for the first time and her and her hubby shared a tender moment together in front of me, after they left  my world came crashing down on me, ended up holding a knife to my heart, but luckily came to my senses, I've seen a counsellor again, so back to normalish for now, until the next thing to upset me. Why can't I accept it? I'm still taking vitamins and still checking for period every month even when I know it will never happen.
Been arguing with hubby lot's too, just want to be happy.


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Oh Sarah huni  

Its so hard isn't it and i'm sure everyone on here knows exactly how you feel and where you are coming from. I myself only this morning read something on a close friends face book page that seemed to be pointing towards her being pregnant. Drove to work feeling sick thinking oh no!... How will i ever be the same around her again and why hasn't she told me instead of me finding out this way etc etc etc..... only then to read another post saying no not her someone she knows...The relief i felt was so imense!!!...then started thinking god when will i ever be able to feel happy for a friend , relative falling pregnant?..its such a horrible place for any of us to be in and i'm honestly not sure if that will ever change  but i'm   it will get easier.

I know what you mean about the hubbies too...I,m not sure of your situation with your dh...Is there any other options available to you to help you become a mummy?...Mine has a child from a previous marriage and its fairly safe to say i resent him for that even though i know all this is not his fault as its no ones fault but because even he doesn't understand the way i feel it makes me angry with him .Hubby was the one who said no more after 4 failed Icsi's(not that we had the money to do anymore) and also said adoption wasn't for him  I then  have to take a step back and remind myself that i do love him and we have a good relationship and if i didn't have him i still wouldn't have the baby i so long for but i would be even worse off because i wouln't have him either.... 

Keep talking to your counsellor sweetie as i'm sure it will help you to vent it all out to her.Or on here as you know that all the ladies on here are amazing and so strong  If you can't talk to your hubby could you write him a letter telling him how you feel?...Does he know how you felt after your freinds visit?...

Sorry for the rant about my situation i was just hoping it might help . I really wish you all the best huni. hang in there and keep talking and i'm sure one day the pain will still be there but that it will be bearable and easier to cope with 

Much love
Sam xx


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Aww darlin   

Its cack isnt it   total utter cack  

I know we will have our down days but to have to see that magical moment really would have been too much    Stay strong hun - its not easy but im glad you seen the councilor.

Ive got a lady at work who is pg - which is lovely as she has suffered 2 mc but she came in today (bearing in mind she knows my status) flashing the scan pics.  I ran away before she got to me    I know that sounds horrible but know you will understand    I went and hid for 5 mins in another office then came back  

Hugs to you too sam    If only we had a magic wand eh  

Love

Debs xxx


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## Sam1971 (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi Debs

I do understand comletely.We have to do whatever feels right for our self preservation.

Hugs to you too   huni.

Take care
Love Sam x


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## pinkpig (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks so much for your support,
I'm so glad we can say how we feel on here, knowing you all understand,this is the worst year of my life and it just gets worse, got a real shock yesterday when my aunt and uncle who have been married for 40 years with two grown up sons split up, my uncle is 60yrs old but has decided he wants someone younger!.  It's made me think lot's about my own future.  You think your hubby is going to be there for you for the rest of your life, with no prospect of children, this becomes a neccessity that the relationship really does survive, otherwise what is left? I can't imagine being 60yrs and being alone, I'll have no family by then, gosh i'm being so negative.


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## Moretolife (May 16, 2010)

I think everyone understands even if we all deal with things slightly differently. I have had nothing to do with any pregnancies since going through treatment and deciding to stop due to moments such as that which you had to deal with so you've done well to try and keep your relationships going and have your friend stay. When I'm struggling a bit with it all I try and think what I would say to a friend in my position and apply it to myself as its easy to be understanding of others and then really hard on ourselves! Its impossible to say if triggers like that will always affect you so deeply but I'm sure there are many others that you have overcome so there is every hope that the intensity will lesson in time. I have to say that was an intense moment and one I'm sure that would have deeply affected me too. I've got better at a lot of things as life would be a nightmare if I didn't so stuff like seeing families playing in the park, mums in groups with their buggies, the whole pretty package of mum, dad, toddler, bump and usually pup on a lead doesn't give me that churning feeling anymore as I'm exposed to it too often so react differently now to triggers like that but there are other moments that are definetely more challenging and personal such as hearing pg announcements and being shown scan pictures. I think because they happen less often and we're less prepared for them and they touch our lives directly instead of being impersonal strangers. Accepting that your response is natural, its ok, its a sign of your grieving is important. Your not failing to 'get on with life' which is what I suspect a lot of us tell ourselves deep down. 

I understand where you're coming from too about your husband, my husband and I have been going through difficulties lately, in a nutshell we moved house last year which was only 6 months after our final tx and its been a major renovation, moved into my parents for 7 months which was incredibly tough and he was working non-stop on the house to get us moved in which we did just over three months ago. Anyway due to the pressure on us my husbands way of coping was to shut down emotionally as he was just too exhausted to do anything else but he didn't come back to me when we did move in which really hurt as it became like living with a stranger. After our many cycles of IVF I was shocked that he would become so distant and cold over the stress of what is just a house even if it is our home. He turned round to me and said is it that you want out. I couldn't believe how easily he said it and my thoughts were so mixed, I would never have wanted to feel we were staying together for children sakes but it shook me how little there was keeping us together except the two of us wanting to be. It suddenly after 15 years together felt so precarious. So I know what you mean about that fear of being alone. We are working on it and have gone to counselling together and he is coming back to me slowly. For him he felt he never left as he knows he loves me but just stopped feeling and expressing that love and it caused a lot of the infertility stuff to come back and hit me because if we're not good together it feels everything is wrong. Do you think thats whats happening for you? You've been arguing and feel insecure and it makes all the feelings around your childlessness rear up and feel harder to deal with... It might just be me but I know that when things feel they're going wrong and you're having a tough time then everything becomes jumbled up. Last year I was feeling a lot stronger about our decision and the new life we were making but the stress of the house, moving in with my parents, the impact it all had on my health (I've had a severe relapse of my M.E due to all the treatment) and the stress on our relationship has meant I feel worse about our infertility as I tie it all together. When things improve on the home front and with a hope and a prayer with my health, I know my feelings will become easier to deal with about our childlessness, it just simply overwhelms you when it feels like all your life is turning to crap!

Sorry that ended up with quite a long post about me but I hope you get that I do totally empathise with how you feel and what I'm trying (in a rambling way!) to say. I guess its about believing this too shall pass and things will get better. 

Hang in there


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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Pinkpig 

Just for you    its never easy is it, but with time lots of things don't hurt quite so much. Don't beat yourself up, you can't help how you feel  inside and it would take a heart of iron to not be effected by the situation with your friend. I haven't been having any treatment for over 10 yrs now, don't get the stabbing pains but more of dull ache evey now and then.  Bit blue the other day as my pal is going to be a gran in couple of weeks.. Guess that brought it home again something else I won't experience. Shock about your aunt and uncle am sorry to hear about them. I have moments when I think oh no when my parents go there will be nobody left to care about me, but have  come to conculsion that there is no point worrying ourselves silly none of us know whats in store. Guess you just have to enjoywhatever life you have as best you can.  Think i read a buddist saying once somewhere...something along lines of we can't forsee the future, past is done and gone, so enjoy the present coz its a gift.  Probably totally misquoted that lol, but you get the gist.

Hope you feel these bite you on moments get easier to cope with in time. 
Jane x


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

Ladies - I give you all complete permission to avoid whenever necessary pregnant people's happiness and news, scan pictures, baby showing off visits, baby showers, you don't even have to sign the congrats card for colleagues if you don't want to. Who cares what excuse you have to make?! 

This is because, one day in the future, you will eventually feel better about asking how someone is & when is it due? And signing the card & hearing the news. And you will mean it. Thatd ay will be some way off & this will go up & down - but it will happen. 

So - for now - just back off from it all. For close family it is not that easy & you will have to see them and send a message but you can minimise this & give yourself treats afterwards, to be honest the family have got you all your life so they'll have to learn to live with it if you're not constantly gushing over baby & enquiring.
It is OK to be selfish on this one; it won't last forever & your fragile beings need protecting & nurturing.

You can  back off without becoming a complete cowbag - I promise!
Put yourselves first for once. 
p.s I wasn't always so clear & calculated, but this is a lesson all this has taught me  

xxx


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