# The next phase in my journey to parenthood? Still working through my thoughts



## Dawn86

It is the 21st of December, and I’m at work, but having a bit of a slack period and my head is all over the place, so it’s as good a time as any to start a new diary. Today is a Wednesday and I will be on leave from Friday, for a break at a spa so I have something to look forward to. It’s important to have something to look forward to because I’ve had very upsetting news about the failure of my latest IVF cycle, which failed last Friday. 

So I think I’m very raw, and I feel that it’s important to not rush into things. However, I’d like to document where I am right now. Writing things out has always helped me to process and plan, so I think this will be cathartic.

I’m 30 years old. I have been married for 11 years to the love of my life. I have been trying to have a baby for nearly 7 years, as we started trying to conceive when I was 23. My husband has non-obstructive azoospermia which means he produces a handful of sperm, instead of millions. There appears to be nothing obviously wrong with my fertility. So as long as we can harness his handful of sperm via ICSI, we should be ideal candidates for parenthood via IVF. 

But it hasn’t worked. We’ve had 6 IVF transfers over 5 years of 11 blastocyst embryos, and we’ve been pregnant twice but miscarried at 8-9 weeks both times. And with the failure of this latest IVF cycle, I think I’m done.

I have always wondered how I would move on. Would I have a light bulb moment where I would go ‘no more’? I still don’t know the answer to this one. But I’m at a cross-roads in my life. With this latest transfer, while I was desperate for a successful outcome, I didn’t feel attached to the embryos as I have done in the past. I didn’t name them or croon over them. It didn’t matter that they were biological bundles of cells that combined the genes of my husband and me. 

I just wanted them to grow so that I could give birth to them and hold them in my arms and read them bedtime stories. If they have my husband’s eyes, so much the better, but I don’t need that anymore. The desire to have love in a child’s eyes trumps the desire for those to be the eyes of my husband.

So maybe I’m ready to move on. 

Until now, I’ve always felt a ‘whole body’ panic at the thought of giving up on my own biological children and having a non-conventional family. I’ve had a clutching at my stomach, and chest, and prickling at my forehead. I’ve worried about:

-  People looking at me and pitying me for not having a conventional 2.4 family;
-  People judging the love between my children and me and thinking themselves superior;
-  Of being ‘abnormal’ myself.

But gradually I care less about what people think. As I said, the answer to most questions and fears about adoption have gradually grown to: ‘but I’ll have a child to love’.

I don’t know how this happened. I don’t know when my thinking changed, and how I’ve come to feel that this is the way to achieve my heart’s ease. 

I’ve been reading adoption diaries on this forum. I’ve had an ICSI diary for a year, but I really think I’m done with IVF and it feels like it’s time to start an adoption diary. Maybe others are thinking about when to move on, and my ramblings could help. 

It’s just so hard to know when to say no more to IVF. It feels like there’s every spectrum of person when it comes to IVF. This is my notion of the ‘IVF-to-adoption’ spectrum:

-  ‘Jump straight to adoption’ - There are those who know immediately that rather than IVF, they’d rather deal with barriers to natural fertility by going straight to adoption. I envy these flexible and decisive individuals.
-  ‘Flirt with IVF-ers’ – There are those who have one or two goes, decide it’s not for them and move straight to adoption with their hearts and minds fully intact.
-  ‘Down with IVF-ers’ – These are those who have one or two goes, find it an absolutely horrible process, and move to adoption a bit scarred but full of beans.
-  ‘One more go-ers’ – These are the people who have 4-5-6-7-8… goes and each go is the last one. They usually get to an IVF baby and are blissfully happy that their persistence and perseverance paid off. Kudos to them, but they’re incredibly lucky and we’re not all that lucky.
-  ‘I’ll get through IVF if it kills me’ – These are the people who have 5+ goes at IVF,  fuelled by the hope of a new clinic, a new country, a new protocol each time and are in some way broken by the process each time, but they keep going until they get to the take-home baby. I read one woman’s ICSI diary about 13 pregnancies before she got her take-home twins.
-  ‘Destroyed by IVF-ers with nothing to show’ – These are the people who keep going until they can’t go anymore and eventually accept that they won’t get to the other side with IVF. The thing that distinguishes them from the other categories is the extent to which they’re broken by the journey, mentally, physically, financially, emotionally and/or relationship wise.

I’m currently hovering in the ‘One more go-ers’ camp, but I don’t think I’ll get to an IVF baby and I don’t want to tip into the ‘if it kills me’ or ‘destroyed’ camp. I want to make it to a baby with my health and relationship intact. Having a child is more important to me now than having my own baby.

DH is so ready for adoption. He’s been ready for ages. I tried to convince myself I was ready in 2013 after our second failed transfer, but I wasn’t ready and I drove myself nearly to depression worrying about it. The ‘whole body terror’ s had me in grips. But I don’t feel like that anymore. I don’t know how I changed.

It feels like everyone else in the adoption diaries is so much more decisive and positive and full of beans than I am at the get-go. Maybe it’s because the diaries have been started at a later stage in the ‘IVF-to-adoption’ switching process. I don’t even know if I want to do just one more go with some frozen embryos before switching. 

But I’m just happy that I’m starting to find a hope and desire in my heart to switch, and that I’m starting to feel there is some light at the end of this journey.

If you’ve made this switch/ are contemplating this switch and anything I’ve said resonates, I’d love to hear from you. At the moment, I’m going to try and embrace the cross-roads and find positives when I’m still feeling a bit raw and traumatised so I recognise I need to go slowly and carefully. Xx

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I
Took the road less travelled by
And that has made all the difference!


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## poppy05

Hello Dawn
I've just read your first diary entry, well done for posting   
I have been in your situation too, it is a huge thing to move on from treatment, all i can tell you is how i felt - my last IVF was always going to be my last, I wasn't going to join the 'one more go-ers' camp, however we ended up with frozen embryos which was a first for me, so after suffering another mc we were torn with no more treatment or one last go with the frosties, i think i had 95% percent accepted I wasn't going to have a birth child, but the thought of these frozen embies was eating away at me, so we decided lets go for a FET if its meant to be then it will work and if not then we close the door and move on.
Of course it failed and I found myself booking in for some counselling sessions as i didnt know how I was going to get over things, i remember asking her 'how will i know when im ready to make the decision regarding adoption' her answer was 'you will just know'
And after about 8 months that day finally came, someone asked me if I had any children and without even thinking I answered 'no I cant have children' wow what a moment, and it was from then on in that I knew I was ready to continue my journey to motherhood, who needs to be pregnant to be a good mummy i thought, and as you can see from my signature we are currently waiting for our little girl to come home.


I didn't mean to turn this into a story all about me, but I hope some of what I've said can give you some hope? no one can make a decision for you as only you know what you really want, but I have a feeling you will go back for your frozen embies, which is exactly what I would do, and I can tell from the way you write that you have already begun to accept the possibility of not having a birth child, never give up, its taken me 20 years to get to this point, you can and will get there   


Poppy xx


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## Wishings15

I read your diary and will be folllowing your journe because is so similar to mines and I'm a bit lost x

Unfortunately, I'm in the camp one more goers and moving on to destroyed by ivf.
I only made the decsision recently that I would spend one more year at it. In 2017 if I don't have a bump I'm going to submit my application for adoption  

I don't even think it's the attempts it's the hold on your life and everything, I've not had the courage to view adoptions diarys. I don't know if I'm scared of the process or that I'm there.

Although, I don't think I would leave any frozen embryos mainly because I'd always think about them and also FET is so much easier on your body than a full round of IVF x


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## Dawn86

Thank you ladies.

Poppy, what an inspirational woman you are. After 20 years of TTC (how did you do it? you deserve several medals!) you get linked to a newborn baby. So you don't miss out on any of the milestones beyond pregnancy. You're very lucky, and I'm so pleased for you.

Wishings, I don't have answers to anything and I've failed at everything I've tried so far, so I'm afraid I'll be a rubbish diary to follow, but I do wish you all the best. I think you probably will be one of the successful IVF 'one more go-ers' because you seem so determined!

I'm just defeated by IVF and I want to get out while my heart and soul are still intact. That's the negative side.

The positive side is I'm starting to feel genuinely excited about the idea of adopting. I don't know why, because I've always really struggled to think about giving up on pregnancy and birth, and a brand new newborn. And I thought it would be completely impossible to move on, after seeing the heartbeats of my lost babies. I will always grieve their loss, and I will always wish that they had been born. But I still want to move on and have something to hold. I don't want more negatives and heartbreak - I want to move on while I still have my heart and soul intact.

I want a child. I want a family. That's more important than biology. 

Although we've managed to get sperm with medication and surgery, my DH has had samples with literally zero sperm. So we've known throughout that the chances of having a baby with both of our genes are remote. It was a miracle that we got to two heartbeats in two pregnancies via ICSI, but it's always felt unlikely. And now I'm accepting that it's never going to happen.

I'm making a list of all the things I'll never experience (a bump, a baby shower, a baby on board badge, maternity clothes, newborn shopping, a crinkly soft newborn...) and I'm grieving. 

But I'm also making a list of things I will experience through adoption (bedtime stories, walks in the park, messy mealtimes, toddler tantrums, huggles (hug + cuddle), toddler smiles and tears) and I find myself smiling at the latter list.

I want to move forward with the list that makes me smile. I'm still young, and I have so much love to give. I don't want to wait until I'm too world-weary and completely broken by the medical side. 

Does that make me a coward? The doctors say 'IVF will work if you stick at it long enough'. So am I being a coward in giving up on the dream of a biological baby? Or am I being strong in saying 'when one dream doesn't work, maybe it's time to try a new one'?

Regarding my frozen embryos, I need to think about it some more, and have a follow-up with the clinic, but actually I'm thinking I'd rather just leave them for now. I'd rather adopt and have my child to love. And then in 3-4 years, if I really felt the need, I could go through the frozen embryos (which will probably fail again) before trying to adopt a sibling. I don't feel a strong need to have that closure right now. 

I know I must be confusing the heck out of anyone reading this, because I'm all over the place. 

I also apologise if the seasoned adopters are rolling their eyes thinking 'commit already, what's wrong with you?' I guess I'm just trying to be honest about the lack of clarity and self-doubts that come in the move from IVF-to-adoption in the hope that others who have been through/are going through similar doubts can share their experiences.

More than ever, I'm starting to realise that there are so many routes to some version of 'happy ever after' which doesn't look remotely like the 'first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage'. And I could either have a tantrum about not being a Disney princess, or I could square my shoulders and say 's*&t happens. men don't have sperm. embryos miscarry. life goes on'.

Thanks for listening. Xx


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## poppy05

Hi Dawn


I just wanted to say if you need someone to talk to about adoption privately then you are most welcome to contact me via pm   


I would just like to add that all the things you have listed in your 'i'll never experience' list, you will be surprised, a year ago my list was pretty much a mirror image of yours, and now I have experienced a baby shower, i got to wear a 'mum to be' sash and badge for the day at work, i've got a baby on board sticker, and i went newborn shopping! all the things i had said to goodbye to finally happened, the only two things i wont have is a bump and a birth story, you can definately have most of the things you dream of, adoption isn't easy, but it is wonderful, and even though our LO hasnt come home yet i just know we made the absolute right decision, i am here if you need me hun   


poppy xx


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## tinkytoes

Hi dawn, just wanted to let you know that I was in a similar position albeit not with ivf but with trying naturally. My husband and I have had six miscarriages in total, each one after the third miscarriage was a 'let's try one more time' and slowly over the course of those miscarriages we began to let go as the realisation that we were very unlikely to have biological children became our reality.  We are unexplained infertility and like you were told that we would have a successful pregnancy and to keep trying. But the grieving was just too much, our lives on hold for years and I began to come to terms with it all. . My husband took a little longer to come to terms so that time helped me let go fully and completely. I remember being in limbo land for such a long time and all the things you are currently experiencing I did too.  I think most folk here will have faced all the soul searching and grieving you are currently experiencing. I too, wondered  when this light bulb moment would kick in. Ping! But it never did. I did go to an information evening for adoption about a year before we applied. I knew then I was not  ready but it helped to know that. My LA look on it positively.. A year later, our last two miscarriages and six weeks counselling I felt we could enquire again. I did however put off making that call for weeks. I was still a little unsure. That was four months ago. 

Today, I look back and remember all the pain, grief, jealousy of others and their children and the sheer despair that we went through. How I thought and panicked at the idea of not carrying and giving birth to my biological child. I remember in the early years that I could not see a way forward, beyond having our own children.  But fast forward several years and here we are happy, living life to the full and eagerly awaiting our panel date. 

I hope you get there, wherever there is, soon, but I think you're on your way. I do recommend a spot of counselling, I resisted it for years but wish I'd done it earlier.  My counsellor and gp told me many times I was ready to adopt but I just had to get there myself.  

I look forward to reading your diary dawn, I do hope this horrible painful time passes soon whatever you decide.  Best wishes tink x


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## Dawn86

Thank you Tinky, how lovely to hear from others who are at peace with the moving on. Good luck for panel! I'll look forward to hearing how you get on.

I feel like each day I'm living is several weeks at the moment. My head is so full of thoughts that it feels like time passes very slowly.

I've almost fully decided that we are going to go ahead with adoption, and probably without transferring the last frozen embryos. I know that the LA will want us to have closure and I feel that with 11 blasts transferred without success these last 4 have no chance so I don't need to transfer them to demonstrate closure. I want to move on to a real child.

DH and I are talking constantly. Night and day we are exploring our feelings. He is so positive about adoption. 

I'm positive too. I feel we have so much to give and I'd love to have a child to love. 

I'm anxious that we won't get approved. Our journey has been so horribly difficult to date that I don't have any faith left in the universe. I feel like I've been laid flat and beaten with a mallet so that there's no happiness or confidence or faith left in me. Clearly not a good frame of mind to be in so I just need to wait a few months till I feel better before we start the process.

I went to an open evening at my LA 3 years ago and I knew I wasn't ready then. 2 more BFNs and 2 miscarriages later, I feel I've made so much progress in reconciling myself to not having my own children and now I feel I can move on.

I've been having counselling with the same counsellor for more than a year now. At our last session we started exploring my anxieties about adoption and I don't think there's anything insurmountable.

I just need to be strong. 

The next open evening at my LA is at the end of February. So that gives me something to work towards.


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## Dawn86

So we decided to be proactive and call a bunch of LAs today to explore which one sounded nicest.

5 LAs called

0 calls answered

Argh

This is what comes of trying to be proactive between Christmas and new year's...


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## poppy05

Well done for taking the plunge   
Just to add i know most sw are off this week, ours isn't back until fri, you may get more joy after new years bank hol when all is back to normal, hope you hear back soon. xx


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## Dawn86

I just received a lovely and unexpected call from the Head of my IVF clinic.

I'll be posting this both in my ICSI and adoption diaries.

I've been crying for the past 15-20 minutes. It feels cathartic and although I don't like the word, it feels like closure.

When we moved to this clinic, I had my first meeting with their Head and even though it's a bit of a wait to see her, we have always asked to have our failure appointments with her so she knows us quite well. She's very straight and I've never felt pressured to have any add ons; if anything she says things like 'I have assisted hatching and embryo glue on the menu because women come in and demand it. It's a gimmick, you don't need this'.

I sent her a very honest email after this failure and said I think I'm done. Do you think I should move on?

I wasn't really expecting a reply. She's busy. I just thought that my email would sit in her records until we made a follow-up appointment to close things out. And I wasn't sure I would make an appointment to close things out because in my mind I've already largely moved on to adoption.

But she called me today. 

We had a very nice and honest conversation for around 30 minutes. We went through all the tests that we could do and thought carefully about whether we have left any stones unturned. We came to the conclusion that it's a numbers game and at the age of 30 with no known issues I probably can keep going and as long as my husbands handful of normal sperm can be harnessed by ICSI I could keep trying. The only thing we would do differently is use PGS to shortlist embryos for transfer. She said though that she wouldn't want me to do a fresh cycle again because fresh is always painful for me (sensitive to over stimming and always have 'kissing ovaries' from stimming) before using the last 4 frozens on the off-chance that they work.

I told her that I know I can keep going but I've been married for 11 years, having IVF since 2011 and everyone is in limbo and grieving. Our families have suffered with us, and it just doesn't feel like a game I want to play anymore. I want to do something positive and move on to adoption. I think I'm done.

To my surprise she said I think you're right. Don't beat yourself against the IVF wall and do more and more experimental tests or procedures. She said some very nice things about how impressed she was at how calm, measured and rational I've been after so much trauma. How well-informed and considered I am in assessing protocols. That she thinks I'm so positive and that this is the life skill that I must never lose. That I'm a 'remarkable role model for women going through IVF' (ha!! If she knew how I'm on the verge of insanity in every cycle!!) That so many women become obsessive and self-destructive. That my husband and I are a lovely intelligent couple who deserve so much happiness. That she will always be there to provide any advice I need down the years if we decide to come back to IVF but whatever we do she prays we will be blessed and happy. 

She also gave some practical advice about sending DH to her andrologist husband on the NHS (she was adamant we shouldn't pay to see him privately in Harley Street) just to close out any advice about the causes for DH NOA. I told her we've had great advice including Dr R, but it was a nice and sincere offer and I appreciated it.

Really didn't expect so much support from my clinic about leaving the IVF hamster wheel.

Looking ahead to 2017 and starting the adoption journey with our hearts and minds open. 

Much love to all... Xxx


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## Perkins2

Hi Dawn, I've just finished reading your ivf diary you are an amazing writer & a very strong woman to get to this point. Thanks for sharing it on here. Although my journey has been nothing like yours - one chemical pregnancy (cruel at the time but at least I got to experience the feeling of being pregnant for a few weeks) and two IVF's resulting in bfn, a lot of what you said resonated with me & made me feel much less alone. 
Now I'm starting my adoption journey, with all the trepidation it brings, it will be lovely to have you on here to talk about the highs & the lows. Your blog is so real & heartfelt & without sounding too mushy, is very inspirational to me and I imagine a lot of invisible women out there who don't feel able to post. 
I wish you loads of luck for 2017 & look forward to following your journey to being a mum x


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## ciacox

I've been following your diary and thinking it reminds me of where I was a couple of years ago. It was so painful to let go of our dream of pregnancy, birth child etc. You sound like you're doing an amazing job at thinking this through and making sure you're as ready as you can be to move on (you'll never be completely ready!). It's so lovely that you hot to speak to someone who you've come to know in the clinic and get her stamp of approval. Here's hoping 2017 is the beginning of a much happier journey. I can honestly say I've had no regrets from the day we decided we were ready to start the adoption journey. And I'm utterly in love with our little boy. Welcome to your new tribe! Xxx


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## Dawn86

Perkins, thank you for your message. It made me cry and I can't even blame any IVF hormones  

Ciacox your diary was one of the ones that made me feel most hopeful. Your journey has been hard, but lovely and I really hope I'm lucky enough to make it to the other side like you. I made DH read the post you wrote about your love for your son and we both found it very reassuring.

Yesterday I bought and started reading a book called 'How I met my son'. Apparently it's one of the more upbeat books about adoption (judging by front cover ) plus it was the only book on adoption in the pregnancy section (). I'll see how I get on with that.

Perkins you'll probably be running several months ahead of me in the process. I'll probably be asked to wait for 6 months after my IVF which failed this month. It's going to be a long slog. Ah well. I've waited nearly 7 years to start my family. What's another few months?!

So glad to see the back of 2016.  I'm praying that 2017 brings peace and happiness to all the extraordinary women I've met (virtually) on this journey.


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## Dawn86

I must warn you I'm in a strange philosophical mood, so please feel free to skip this one if you're not in the mood for existentialist angst 

These wilderness years of IVF with hospitalisation for OHSS, and the loss of two beautiful heartbeats, have changed me. When I started this journey I was 23, and after having had a couple of challenges in the years leading up to 23, I'd come into my own and I was on top of the world. I felt I had everything before me. I felt young and strong and confident. And then all of this horribleness happened. And it just didn't stop happening. No matter how I picked myself up and dusted myself off, it was an endless game of snakes and ladders ending back at square zero to the tune of Chumbawumba ('I get knocked down...').

I am blessed and cursed with a vivid imagination and a retentive memory.

It is very hard for me to live in the present.

_'Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable...
...human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.'
_
Extract taken from the work 'FOUR QUARTETS: Burnt Norton' by T.S.Eliot. Full poem can be found at http://www.davidgorman.com/4Quartets/1-norton.htm 

I feel weighed down by how horrible my journey has been to date, and I'm quietly but deeply scared that there's no end to this journey. Whenever I start to feel more hopeful about the idea of no more IVF and BFNs and miscarriages, with a hope of having a family by adoption after all, I start worrying about being rejected for adoption, or not finding a match. What if it is just not my fate to be a parent? Now, I'm not very fatalistic - I believe that with hard work and prayer your destiny can change. But I haven't succeeded with IVF and that's shaken my faith in the universe. It makes me worry that I'm one of those unfortunate souls who is born to 'endless night' and that I will fail at adoption as I did at IVF.

Here's the contradiction in terms - fundamentally, I'm not a defeatist and yet I'm feeling a bit defeated.

So what is the good that has come out of this horrible journey? What positives can I find?

In a nutshell, I'm not the girl I was at 23.

In my own small way, I've survived tragedy and that changes you forever. I'm much more patient than I was then, I have more empathy, and a lot more tolerance for human frailty and weakness. I realise now that you can't always achieve what you've set your mind to, and I genuinely believe that this hard lesson learned will make me a better parent than I would have been capable of being had I fallen pregnant at the drop of a hat when we first started TTC.

It's very difficult to find the right words, but I sometimes feel like crying over the loss of innocence of the strong foolish young girl I was at 23, while at the same time I feel like yelling at her for her arrogance in thinking that she could always strive and pray her way into getting whatever she wanted.

Since then, I've cried whole oceans of tears. I bear physical and emotional scars which time has healed but cannot erase. So many times on this endless journey I have felt that my soul is broken. But that is one of God's promises - that He will not place on your soul a burden greater than it can bear. Unfortunately, that isn't a guarantee that He will lift your burden, just that He will give you the strength to bear it.

And I guess that's what I'm saying. I may have preferred to have an easy path, but if instead I've been given strength, and that will make me a better parent, then maybe someday I'll be grateful for these wilderness years. At the moment, I live in fear of more pain and heartbreak. But I try to keep the hope that someday I can look back and say 'it's been worth it'.

Xxx

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## Perkins2

As always beautifully written Dawn, you so need to write a book!!! I've been inspired to start a diary & it feels very cathartic but my thoughts seem to come out of me like unpunctuated ramblings! (I was never very good at English at school, art was more my thing).
Like you, the thought of failing at adoption terrifies me. I came out of ivf pretty unscathed but that's only because I always had a strong feeling that I could adopt if the ivf failed. Now its adoption or nothing! X


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## Dawn86

Thank you Perkins  

So today I finished reading How I Met My Son.

I came away feeling a vague sense of unease and have been feeling a bit unsettled all day. 

I tried to work out what made me uneasy because it's actually quite an upbeat account with a 'happy ending'.

Finally I found the right words to explain to DH. I said 'I just wanted an uncomplicated life'.

Gah 

The adoption process and adoptive parenting is anything but uncomplicated. I need to be prepared. And rationally I am. But I guess I need to add that to my list of things to mourn: bye bye uncomplicated life.


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## Dawn86

Okay today I want to just give up on life. I'm not depressed, I just give up. 

DH's company has been acquired and he's been told that he along with most of his colleagues in the acquired company are being made redundant. This isn't a huge deal for him because he has been bored at work; this way he will get a payout to find a new job rather than resigning without a payout. But it will throw a spanner in the works for the adoption process because we won't be able to show he is in steady full-time employment. I had found a LA who said they were willing to see us now, even though it's been a month since failed IVF instead of the usual 6 months. But now I need to wait until he's found another job.

I think the problem is I have this sense of deja-vu. We found out about his azoospermia in 2010, when the economy was still really shaken from the recession. My company had redundancies, but I was spared. His company had redundancies, and he lost his job. I just remember feeling so anxious about being the sole breadwinner for that short period of time, and feeling worried about how we'd cope with azoospermia. He found a good role really quickly at the time, but since that point we've been through some really tough times, and now I have to face more uncertainty and anxiety.

I just don't want to cope anymore. I don't want to face anxieties and uncertainties and be strong. I want to give in to the seductiveness of being weak and crumbling. I want to stamp my feet and have a tantrum and say 'why me?' I want to just find a hole somewhere and hide. 

Which is really silly and juvenile because really I know I'm so lucky in my life with so many things.

But I don't feel lucky at this moment.

The other silly thing is that I volunteered to take on a challenge at work. Usually people are much older and more experienced before they're let loose in this role, but I thought I had a unique opportunity and I thought I'd grab it. And now I'm absolutely terrified I'll fail!! I know I need to keep stretching my comfort zone, and amidst all the IVF and miscarriage angst (  ) doing some really high-flying things at work in the past couple of years has helped my sense of self-worth. But now I just have an anxious knot in my stomach and I'm afraid I'm stretching myself too far.

It's going to be summer before I'll be able to start the adoption process because I'll probably have to wait another 5 months and then only start if DH has a new role. We should have savings to see us through, but that will eat into my adoption fund for being able to take a longer maternity leave if I need it.  Seems a bit pointless to be keeping a diary when I'm so far off actually progressing with anything.

Hence I give up. I'm a hopeless helpless defeated rubbish woman and I give up.


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## Cloudy

Sorry you are so upset  

I really wouldn't worry though: we looked to apply a few years ago and were worried because my husband had changed jobs, been made redundant from that post within months and was looking for something else. The SW said it didn't matter - he had been in employment since leaving school (except a few short periods when the recession hit) and there was no reason to think he wouldn't be employed again. They also asked how we could cope were financially with just my wage - we explained how and they reiterated that they were impressed that we had clearly anticipated things like this happening to us in life. They were more than happy to progress us, even with Mr C being job-less.

I am sure when you speak to them they will be no where near as worried about the job situation as you think they are xxx


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## Perkins2

Aww Dawn it's so awful when you feel so ready to parent but the stratosphere seems against you! You're allowed to have a tantrum & say why me! Because it's true! You may have things in your life to be grateful for but there are times when you're allowed to look at others & think, why the hell can't I have their luck. My best friend (and I've never shared by thoughts on this before) has had a weirdly similar journey in life to me. We have siblings of the same age, our parents were very similar however her life has always had a better outcome. Our mums both had breast lumps, her mums was benign, my mums was cancerous which then spreads to her lymph nodes & then to her mouth. Our Dads both became suddenly unwell (not at the same time btw) they both ended up on life support for different reasons, mine dies, hers makes a miraculous recovery. We both split from long term relationships, she meets someone new and they get on well with her friends. I meet someone new and we both get shunned from my old friends for not fitting in ( what makes it worse is her friends are my old friends that I introduced her to) She has fertility issues and succeeds at ivf first and second time round & still has four embryos left. I do ivf and fail both first and second time round & have no embryos left! Whilst I'd never wish her bad luck and happy that things have worked out for her, some days I think 'why can't things just work out for me!!!' You are having a bad time at the moment but you'll pick yourself up because like me you are strong. You can have more rubbish thrown against you than anyone else but keep wading through it. I'm guessing that's what makes parents of adopted children special. 

Please don't stop your diary, it doesn't matter that you may not be at the point of starting the process it's for you to write down your thoughts & feelings whether they be completely negative ones or hopeful ones. Look at My diary! I'm a complete winge bag at the moment!

You'll get there in the end, I've read your previous diary & was pointed there from something your DH had written. You sound a really lovely couple that would make fantastic parents xx


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## tinkytoes

Keep going Dawn, you've already turned a massive corner, don't lose momentum, you've definitely got the passion, its there in your words; it sounds like you'll be an amazing mother and I think you are right for these children.  

Cloudy is right, the work thing won't be anywhere near as bad as you think.  I know its no good telling you this as I was worried about EVERYTHING until we were solidly in stage 2 but thought I would say anyway as it helped when others reassured me.

xxx


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## Dawn86

Ladies, thank you for the messages about finances - that's very reassuring.

I've carried on looking into LAs, but I'm losing steam a bit. To be honest, I think I'll just have to wait for the '6m after failed treatment' period to lapse. No point in setting up another obstacle to overcome given that we may have trouble over proving stable income with DH redundancy as well. Hopefully in a month or two he will have found another job and we'll be in a better position.

I also felt a bit disappointed because a LA I had spoken to, who had been very encouraging including the statement 'we don't mind about 6 month wait after failed IVF if you're emotionally ready' have got back to me this week saying that actually they have checked their books and they have too many adopters so have been asked to not recruit at the moment.

It will be fine. This too shall pass. 

I guess I need to come up with a plan for the next 6 months. Try to get some volunteering experience with kids. Continue researching agencies. Try to make myself a bit happier.

What I really hate about infertility is that it's taken away a lot of my sense of self. I don't feel like a happy secure person anymore.

_'Out flew the web and floated wide
The mirror crack'd from side to side
The curse has come upon me
Cried the Lady of Shallott'_

Extract of the poem 'The Lady of Shalott by Alfred, Lord Tennyson. The full poem can be found here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/poetryseason/poems/the_lady_of_shalott.shtml

Bit Victorian and melodramatic and I may be messing up the punctuation, but that about expresses what I mean.

I have one of those heads that is full of useless stuff. I'm a management consultant. So knowing lots of random literature is not a useful life skill. Why didn't I do anything useful with my formative years like find and volunteer at orphanages? 

Anyways, I did have something useful to share with others who are at research stage, so I'll find that in my inbox and post shortly.

How's everyone doing. 
Tinky, where are you with Stage 2? 
Perkins, have you made progress with the mound of paperwork? 
Poppy, you're probably offline with your brand new LO; I hope it's as good as the rest of us are dreaming of! 
Ciacox, are you still celebrating the adoption order? I probably would be. 


/links


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## Dawn86

I meant to share this info that a LA shared with me. It seemed like a more thoughtful stock response than most LAs so I thought I'd share with others.

Bit grim about the competitive environment.

_In the present climate where there are a number of adopters waiting adoption is very 'competitive'. We are looking for adopters who come with experience, knowledge and skills which means that they could potentially take children with more complex backgrounds.

I also suggest that potential adopters read about general child development as well as specific health/ behavioural issues that often affect Children in care. CoramBAAF have a series of books called 'Parenting a child affected by...' We recommend the books about mental health issues, parental substance misuse and developmental uncertainty. They are very small and easy to read and digest.
You may also be interested in , Vera Fahlberg 'A Child's Journey Through Placement' which is a book we recommend to every adopter, as well as Caroline Archer 'Reparenting The Child That Hurts'.
Some useful internet sites : Adoption UK - www.adoptionuk.org, First4adoption - www.first4adoption.org.uk_

/links


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## Dawn86

I've barely cried in the past few weeks. Must be a good sign. I do feel a bit tearful today though, and dreading my AF arriving in a week or so. I always feel sad that all those eggs are getting wasted inside me while my youth is slipping away from me. 

Oh well. Must not be so gloomy.

DH bought me some gorgeous long stemmed roses today when we went out. They're so tall that I finally got a chance to use an incredibly tall crystal vase my dad bought me in November. It's such an impractical object that I thought I'd never be able to use it, but DH said I'd be grateful for it when I had tall roses or gladioli that would topple in a short vase. And he was right. Darn clever DH 

I realised its been a month since my last BfN and only 5 months to go until I can officially apply for adoption process to start. It feels like a really long time but it will pass. Everything passes.


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## Dawn86

So DH redundancy pay has been confirmed. It's a good pay. So hopefully he'll find a job soon and we will be able to bank some of the payout to add to my adoption fund.  

I'm going to be honest and say my adoption fears out loud. The likelihood is that others have been through/thought through this already and it really isn't that bad.

So here are my fears about adoption in no particular order.

1) I will never feel like I have a 'normal' family. 

2) Others will always look at me and refer to me as abnormal in some way ('that infertile couple who adopted'.)

3) Letterbox contact will always remind me that the child I adore is in some way entrusted or borrowed, not mine.

4) At 18 the child will get up and go in search of its 'real' family. I'll be jealous but of course I'll support my child in its journey. It will really hurt. It will feel as if I, and my lifelong love, was not enough.

5) Life will always be complicated. When I read about parenting adopted children there are so many things you have to think about. Every single action the child does, you could second guess whether it is due to some deep seated trauma. As well as all the practical stuff: bullying at school, callous kids telling them they were unwanted, insensitive adults. The list of practical difficulties seems endless on top of the rigours of normal parenting. 

Please tell me I'm over thinking this?! 

Dawn xx


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## Perkins2

All I can say is I have either had those thoughts or still have those thoughts. The hardest one for me is number 3, I'm just hoping the process will make me feel different about it 

The sw sent me a reading list today. Another reminder at how different this process is to having birth children. With pregnancy you might read one book, with adoption you feel like you are revising for an exam. 

Thanks for putting your fears on here. It makes things much easier knowing others feel the same xx


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## tinkytoes

If it helps, before I started I felt some of this and now, I don't feel much of it at all. 

I live and breathe the adoption process now and it is as normal and natural to me as to how normal and natural it was when I tried to have a biological child.  We've invested so much time and dedication to the adoption process I am generally excited despite the challenges that lie ahead (and I am no optimist, I fully expect it to be beyond hard and at times crippling).  

I don't feel that the children, when (if!) they come won't be mine, they will be totally mine but I accept they will not have my genetic makeup and you know, I am absolutely cool with that.  

I guess what I am trying to say is that by going through the adoption process there is a change that happens within you.  You let go and grab on to something new/different, both exciting and scary.  it is possible to look forward to the future again.  

I may not be saying this in 18 years time mind but for now, I am at peace and haven't looked back.  I hope you guys feel it too one day.  

xx


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## Dawn86

This morning I do not feel articulate. What I mostly feel is best summed up as ARRRGHH.

Maybe it's a good thing to have the forced 6 month wait before starting the process. I'm about 5 weeks past my last BFN and my first natural period since the IVF withdrawal bleed has started. I always hate periods. I hate that I have all these healthy eggs inside me that I can't fertilise because I have no sperm. I hate that I'm getting older and my eggs are all dying. My own fertility feels like a disadvantage because all it's so useless when my husband is infertile. The whole pain of the sore breasts, painful bleed etc. is just wasted on me.

I feel so sorry for myself. And angry that all my attempts at IVF have been wasted. I nearly died with OHSS. I defied the 95% odds twice with two miscarriages after seeing heartbeats. What was the whole darn point if I just failed in the end? I can't look back and say 'ah, it was all worth it'.

My faith is at the core of my soul. But I'm hurting so much on that front as well. I submit to God's will, but it hurts me so much that this has been my journey and that all our strength and hope so far has been in vain.

I can't really see an end in sight.

We've had 2 LAs say that they're not taking on adopters. They make lots of positive noises about our age, finances, relationship, etc. etc., and then they say 'we have too many people like you on our books. we're not accepting more adopters for 0-2.' We'll keep trying but it does seem like a very difficult process.

Ah well. The sun is shining. I had to do some work this morning (which I hardly ever have on weekends) but it's done now, and it's time to get out of the house and force myself to try to be more cheerful.


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## Dawn86

Okay so my period is over.

4.5 months left till I can apply to begin the adoption process. The last cycle failed in mid December so 6 months after takes us to mid June. Gosh that's a long time away. 

DH is now unemployed. I'm not that worried about money in the short term but I am generally anxious about the future. So many things in my life feel uncertain and just a bit black.

I woke up this morning with a huge heavy feeling on my heart. I feel like there's an age to go before I'll get through adoption, and then through to matching and it's all just weighing down on me. 

Sorry for the doom and gloom. I feel like everyone else in these pages is so positive and I just lower the upbeat tone. I feel like that cartoon character Droopy. Or maybe Eeyore. That's me.  

I read an article about a study. It looked at quality of life and happiness indicators for infertile people 5 years after their treatment. It found that the cohort who adopted after failed treatment were the happiest group: happier than those who subsequently had babies either by IVF or naturally. That made me feel a bit better. Of course I'm still currently unhappy 7 years in to my infertility journey but hopefully if I'm matched and get a child in the next couple of years, things will finally turn around.


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## Dawn86

My father in law adopted my sister in law.

DH's mum was a beautiful young woman in her early 20s, with one daughter when her husband tragically died of cancer.

DH's father had always fancied her but when she chose another man he stood aside with good grace but couldn't bring himself to marry anyone else. Then she was widowed and he came back on the scene and eventually asked her to marry him. 

She said yes. Her daughter was 4 years old. My lovely father in law promised he would love her as his own. They got married.

And he kept his word. A year later my DH was born. They were thrilled he wasn't a girl so that there would be no one who would even notionally take their precious daughter's place. And then a couple of years later my brother in law was born.

My father in law told my DH as soon as his NOA was diagnosed that we should adopt. 

He said 'never doubt that there will be love. I adopted your half sister. I love her as much if not more than you because she was my first child. I promise you that if you open your heart to a child, the child will fill it'.

Whenever I worry that I can't get through this, I think about my father in law's promise. That if I open my heart to a child the child will fill it. And I feel more peaceful.


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## Perkins2

That's lovely 🙂


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## Tictoc

Dawn - your father in law sounds like a lovely man!


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## Dawn86

Thank you both.

I just realised it's 4 months now until I can start the adoption process! I'm still a bit flat and to be perfectly honest a bit jealous of other people who still have the hope of BFPs. But I'm also a bit excited about getting started on the next phase of my journey


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## Fertilityhawk

Hi Dawn

Just wanted to say it's perfectly acceptable to be jealous or envious of people who can or who are pregnant.  A few weeks ago I was all for moving onto Adoption (my DH wants to do another cycle at least).  A good friend of almost 15 years sent me a text to say that she was pregnant with twins and had undergone 4 rounds of IVF.  I was devastated.  Not least because I had poured my heart out to her over the last couple of years.  I know fertility treatment is very private and something you might not want to share but I just felt betrayed.

It's fine to feel all these things, but moving onto adoption is such a brave positive step, the journey will be hard but as people always say when you've been through the worst of times already how much harder can it get!

I wish you all the very best of luck.


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## Dawn86

Thank you fertilityhawk. I'm sorry that you felt betrayed by your friend.

 

I'm in such a strange set of moods.  

Up and down. Hot and cold. Flat and high. Hope and despair.

I don't know how to keep coping with limbo.

I'm working really hard. Constantly relentlessly busy. Which helps me from feeling too much pain about my lost babies and too much anxiety about the adoption wait.

I'm in a bit of an emotional trough. I feel very vulnerable like the world is a bad place where bad things happen and 'all your piety and all your wit' can't change it. 

I have no right to feel like this. We've just been away for valentines weekend where DH spoiled me rotten. I'm a lucky girl. I have to be strong and grateful for my blessings. But I'm still finding it hard.

Nothing seems quite real and dependable at the moment. I'm reading my own words back and it looks like depression but it's not. It's just a void. I used to be able to imagine my babies. I can't anymore. I can't even imagine my adopted children. So it just feels like a void. 

I can get through this. I've gotten through worse. Emptiness is better than ragged pain


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## ciacox

It's grief. You will feel better and when you're on the adoption rollercoaster you'll start to get excited again. The gap between treatment and adoption is hard when we're so used to taking action. I hated it but in the end I'm so glad we had it. I had a horrible wave of grief about six months after our treatment journey ended. It was tough because I was just starting to feel it was over. But after that I felt much more after be to look forward. Xxx


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## Dawn86

Something happened yesterday.

After a very busy period (DH networking and job-hunting, me working), we went out for dinner yesterday and I felt relaxed and less stupid than usual (I feel stupid and off-life-track most of the time!)

Anyways, we had a good chat, laughed about various things and he told me he had something to show me. 

He took out a little painted figurine and said 'this is an award winning model that the artist gave me today, you don't know him'.

I went 'huh? I know all your friends.'

And he said well this is just one of the people he met at a networking event a few months ago. Apparently DH and this man had a discussion about business and then the man opened up to DH about his anxiety and depression. DH responded, explained that he had experience with grief because of our infertility and miscarriages and discussed a few coping tactics.

Then DH forgot about it.

And the man says that the conversation with DH has changed his life. That DH showed him more compassion than anyone else had. That because of DH's suggestion the man went to counselling and has started feeling better.

That's why the man gave DH his award winning painted figurine. As a present for the man who he says has changed his life.

How crazy is that? It just made me feel really solemn. That maybe all our suffering is not in vain. Maybe God needs us to go through this pain so that we can help people like this random stranger. 

Don't get me wrong- I'd much rather be happy than helpful. I've no instinct to be a saint. But I appreciate that no man is an island and if God intends to use our grief to change other's lives (what an extreme reaction to a random conversation!) then at least that's something good out of the unremitting bad. 

It does make me feel sad though. If everyone wishes us well and all these prayers from random people go to God, then why does our suffering not ever end? I just feel forsaken.

Funnily enough, my dad has always elicited the same sort of reaction by random strangers. People always corner my mum to tell her how much they love my dad!

So proud of my DH. He's such a good man. 

He's had some good interviews and has also had a few contracting days in the month. He's been off work for just over a month, but his redundancy pay covers 8 months so he's well on track to finding a new job in time and money is fine in the meantime.

Plodding on with life. One.day.at.a.time.

Xxx


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## Dawn86

Pulling myself out of my infertility bubble. We invited my husband's colleague and his wife to lunch. I'm a perfectionist and quite house proud (well what else do I have? It's where all my thwarted maternal desires go)! Which means we spent the whole weekend tidying and doing a good spring clean and planning a menu and preparing food etc.

Anyways we must have made them a bit too welcome. They arrived at 1 pm and left at 9.45 pm!! 

By that time I was wondering whether to start serving dinner but they insisted they were still stuffed 

Proud of myself. I tend to avoid many social interactions outside of work and family because I feel like such a social freak. 11 years married with no kids. Even when I write it I feel like a freak 

Anyways now to enjoy a well deserved rest and get to bed soon.


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## Dawn86

I haven't been here in awhile.

I'm a bit better. When I'm not on a period that is. I can't believe how strongly every period plunges me into despair. It's just too much for me because the pain and blood is a constant reminder of my miscarriages.

And the rest of the month I'm largely fine.

It honestly feels l Iike everyone else gets to the other side. Except me. I just remain in this endless childless purgatory. 

It's so hard to know that I'm not cycling again and that I have no more hope of a normal 2.4 family. Spring has always been a time of hope in my cycles. And after trying for so many years, I first got pregnant in summer 2015 and then again in summer 2016 and I lost both miracle precious ICSI pregnancies - for which I would have given my immortal soul to keep - by the autumn. I HATE THESE MEMORIES. I wish I could let go and forget. I wish I didn't have such a retentive memory. I wish those babies had never entered my life only to leave such devastation. But what is the point of these feeble, pointless wishes?

Other things in life remain challenging. DH still hasn't found a new job, although we are fine for money for a while with savings. My job is still challenging and I feel like I am not progressing quickly enough. I feel like such a failure. It feels quite self indulgent to write all this and wallow in it. Pardon my doom and gloom.

I have made a lot of progress in mentally preparing for adoption. We have decided on the agency, worked out how to volunteer with local scouts, and should be pretty much set to go by the time June comes. I really hope that this journey is more positive than the journey so far. I'm not brave enough to face more adversity.


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## tinkytoes

Hi Dawn,

It's good to hear from you.  I think the adoption process is just what you need now.  There is no lightbulb moment (think I've said this before) it is a gradual shift at the start of the process and the pain should lesson significantly the more you progress.  At least I hope it does.  

You need something to look forward to; something to pin hope onto.  I rubbished 'hope' before the adoption process and after my miscarriages.  I thought it was a foolish emotion destined to trip and hurt us over and over again.  I lived in limbo, in a dark depressing place and refused to believe in hope or anything like it.  

That was less than 12 months ago.  I have since  met one of my children (trying to stay grounded) and I am full of hope for the future.    

12 months is all it needs.  Maybe less.  Perhaps a bit more.  You will know when it happens.  I have every confidence you will get through this desperately horrible time but it is good to hear that some of the days are getting better.

As to the periods, I think we should all get sterilised and be done with it!!!!! Bloody periods (excuse the pun) 

  thinking of you take care (and keep posting and talking!!!) 

xxxx


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