# Meeting foster carers with son after adoptive placement



## Poddingtonpea (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi,

  This is my first time posting anything i normally just read the forums for advice! 

My husband and i are currently in the process of adopting a 2 1/2 year old boy, he has been with us for 11 weeks now. We have been advised by our social worker that we need to meet the foster carers again with our son, this is so he knows that they have not disappeared off the face of the earth or died. We have arranged this for a few weeks time but are worried it will unsettle him as he was very attached to them. He is now pretty much settled with us and we don't want to upset him but feel we have to do the meeting. As his sister is still living with the foster carers we do tell our son that they are looking after her and keeping her safe so we are fairly sure he knows they are alive and ok but being so young it is hard to know exactly what he is thinking.

I was just wondering if anyone else had had a meeting like this and what experiences they had. I would be grateful for any advice anyone had too.

Thanks xx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi - our LO was 9 months when we brought him home and we were told we needed to see FC within 2 weeks! I was horrified. We meet FC at a play centre after exactly 2 weeks and I can tell you I was really hoping someone would wake up sick so it would have to be called off.

I think it worked well being in a busy and neutral place because he was distracted but obviously aware of her being there - he didn't actually go to her much and when we put him in the care to go home with us he was smiling. It did unsettle him though and we had quite a lot of screaming and refusing to go down to sleep etc - I do think though that after this period of being unsettled he started to really begin to attach to us. I'm not sure what it will be like with an older child but I think there is something in them knowing FC is still there and does still love them but just not in the way you do.

Keep it neutral and make sure it's somewhere easy for you to leave if it becomes too much. Good luck


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

There have been a number of threads on this topic on these boards the last while and by in large very positive experiences of meeting foster carers. This was one I commented on in December. Hope it is helpful.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=341471.msg6219507#msg6219507


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## Poddingtonpea (Aug 5, 2012)

Thank you for your replies.

Tictoc, 2 weeks seems very quick no wonder you werre horrified! Thanks for your advice, we are going to do it so it looks like a chance meeting then have a quick coffee and chat then go. As you suggested we can then extend it or leave quickly depending on how he reacts.

Thepinklady, thanks for the link. I did try to look at it but I got a message saying I didn't have permission. I will have another look through the forums to find the threads.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Hi Poddingtonpea - the link that PinkLady posted was for the post-placement board which unfortunately cannot be accessed by new members. The details are here: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=336957.0 Once you have been a member a while you will be able to access it. In the meantime have a good look round the main Adoption threads and Parenting Adopted Children threads, or even the diaries, as I am sure you will get loads of support 

Xxx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

Poddington we see our FC on a few times a year basis by choice but our boys where 6&11months when they came home.

Personally I think for a child over 18m it might set them back and confuse them even more when you've been making good progress? I mean I have no experience in it and may be totally wrong but I can see how this could cause problems.

We was also told we was not allowed under an circumstances to meet FC within 6m but we did anyway as they had baby bro with them as a newborn so we wanted cuddles!!! X


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Wow - seems like different LAs have totally different policies on this. My guess is that none of it is actually based on research. Or LA recommends a short meeting with FCs 2 weeks after placement. We're currently in the middle of intros with our 16 month old LO and have arranged for FCs to visit us at home 2 weeks after placement day. Now I'm wondering if I should be worried about this!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

In our experience, any time we've avoided something because we thought it would 'unsettle' him, we've made the wrong decision.  

18 months after he'd been placed (he was placed at 2) he made a comment to us about our cat having to go back to his foster carer because she'd been naughty.  He hadn't mentioned his foster carer to us once, and we thought she was out of his head... but all that time he'd been creating negative thoughts about foster care all by himself.  With hindsight it would have been better to have had a meeting.


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

I thought I had posted this last night but obviously not. This was what I posted in the thread I had linked to above and might be helpful/useful. I agree that every la have differing policies and I believe it is not based on research but merely SW own thoughts and opinions. Children need to learn that good and loving people simply don't disappear out of their lives!

We were concurrent carers to a LO who had been with us for 9 months from she was 11 weeks old and returned home to her BM a while back. We have had weekly ongoing contact with her since as we are continuing to do respite for her. LO moved home and three days later we had her for the day and have done so every week since. We recently had her for an overnight. Ourselves, BM and SW has seen no ill effects from this with LO and she is building good attachments to mum. I know that the case is slightly different from adoption as LO has had contact with mum twice a week from birth and the introductions home were built up over a month but she still went from being with us full-time to mum overnight and seems to have coped very well with still having us in her life alongside mum. She does not get super excited when we arrive to pick her up, although comes happily. When we take her back she just goes in and settles with her toys. Our social worker who is has carried out a lot of her own research and is up on most recent research firmly believes that the effects of suddenly loosing these significant people in their lives can be very damaging. On future placements we will be fighting very hard to ensure that our LO's have early contact with their previous foster carers as we have seen first hand that it can work. I would stress our LO was weeks off her first birthday when she went home. I have no idea of this same format would have worked with an older child with more verbal understanding etc. Don't be scared by it. You are the LO mum and that can not be challenged. I met just this week with an adoptive mum of three children, two of which were adopted as toddlers and are now in the last teens and absolutely no contact with foster carers occurred back then. her third child is only 10 and has regular contact with his foster carers who he was with for sometime. She knows on reflection that this ongoing contact has been very beneficial for him growing up and can see that her older children would have benifitted from such contact. She said initially her LO was a little unsettled after it but actually that was him working through things and processing it all. He needed this and it was good for him. I hope the contact goes well and is useful for your LO.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Ciacox - whilst I tend to agree that early contact is good for the child  (maybe not so great for the new parents) I would really suggest you re think having it at your house. I think it could be confusing and also doesn't allow for the quick exit when the time is right.


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Thanks Tictoc. Yes, after reading this we were already thinking about relocating the meeting somewhere else. I think we'll do that. Overall,I'm not that anxious about the meeting. I may be more so nearer the time tho! I would rather do it when he is still thinking about them, rather than wait til he's forgotten them. I'm really hoping to stay in touch with them as, although we don't have loads in common, they are fantastic people and love him a lot. As far as I'm concerned the more people around that love him the better!


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

We're the same - when we took our LO home the foster carer and her parents and other family were all there to say goodbye - they were obviously trying hard to control their emotions but all had tears in their eyes. I imagine the SW would have been horrified at this but we said we didn't mind them coming to say goodbye and they obviously all lived him and it shows in how happy and contend he is.


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## Poddingtonpea (Aug 5, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your replies. I am still dreading it but am slowly coming round to the idea, it will be hopefully be good for him in the long run. Just another hurdle to get over and we are very used to those now! Xx


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Spoke to our SW on Weds about location for meeting with FCs. She very much recommended doing it at home as she said that this helps LOs feel that the FCs accept this as their home and sort of give their blessing. I do get this but I know some of you have said that's a big no. Now I'm confused! Has anyone done this at home and if so how did it go? So frustrating because there just isn't the research really to know what's best and I do find SWs give their ideas as if they have some evidence base, when in fact they don't.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

The reason I don't agree with this is because at home you can't just get up and leave when you need to. You have to very politely ask someone else to leave which doesn't always happen as quickly as you would like.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

We had FC visit at our home about 4 wks after LO moved in. I was ok with it although had the obvious reservations. LO didn't seem to recognise them at first but then warmed up and was being passed around a bit ( lots of other kids ) quite happily. It was weird but just something we had to do and we got through it ok. It didn't bother me that they were in our house but was obvious they felt a little awkward and there was no way they would of outstayed their welcome. They were fantastic foster carers to our daughter. They stayed about an hour and a half and it was fine. It was nice saying goodbye and then being with LO in our home. She was fine afterwards. 
What I have always had as a big no no is going back to FC house. Although there are lovely memories there for LO as she was very well looked after, it was also the house from where she went to contact every week and it was a chaotic time. I personally feel very apprehensive about going back there (we have been invited) especially as things are going so well I wouldn't want to risk rocking the boat. You have to do what you feel is right for your LO. Every situation is different X


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## Kaytie (May 7, 2005)

We also did the first contact 3 weeks after placement at our home. It went very well for all and we stuck to the recommended 45 to 60min limit. 
Our daughter was very very attached to her FC but she stayed near me at first, then warmed up and walked over. The FC had been prepared not to pick her up unless she wanted this and it all felt very natural and she was laughing and shared her time between us. When she fell (on carpet) she wanted me and that's when I totally relaxed. I had similar worries at first, but in our case it went totally ok and had no issues after.
She was 13 months old then.


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Thanks folks - that's really helpful. One reason I want to go ahead at home is that one of the FCs hasn't seen our house yet. He cares a lot about our little one and will be finding things difficult I think so I think it would be helpful for him to know where LO is. I know that LO's feelings come above those of us grown ups but that doesn't mean our feelings don't matter. Will give it a bit more thought. I know they will be okay with us changing venue, but I also know they will be respectful of how we want to do it at home. It's booked for Saturday so I''ll let you know how it goes!


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## katie76 (Dec 24, 2010)

Hi

We adopted our nearly 3 yr old boy in December and our SW was keen for us to meet up with FC soon so that he knew not all relationships just end. His SW thought it was too soon, so did we. It was a good fc placement and placement with us has gone very well. It was arranged for local park cafe at 8 weeks post placement with us. He enjoyed seeing them, and it certainly helped them as they missed him a lot. But he didn't sleep well for a week, screaming in the night (normally 12hrs straight) and a lot of telling me he didn't want another family, anew family, needed a lot more reassurance. It def unsettled him despite the meet up being great. 

I definitely wouldn't meet at home, it's their safe place it may be confusing, plus if it doesn't go well you can't walk away. Somewhere neutral that has something interesting for them to play with I think would help. If I did it again,  I'd leave it until at least 3 months but I can only tell you from our experience, with our boy.

Good luck with it, I hope it goes well for you all. It's such a tricky thing to please all parties.

K x


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

Hi All

Just thought I'd come and update as we had our meeting with FCs yesterday. It was really helpful to read everyone's advice. In the end I guess it's different for every LO, and every family. My instinct was that he would be more comfortable to see them at home so we went with that. Given that it's been less than 2 weeks since placement I was surprised he was a little shy with them at first. FC2 (the guy) broke through that v quickly and they had such a lovely hug it brought a tear to my eye. It took longer for him to warm up to FC1. They had been so close while he lived with them but he didn't want a hug or to sit on her knee until the very end of the visit. She and I both commented that he seemed like he might be a little angry with her. They stayed about an hour and a half which was probably a bit too long in some ways (although having said that I'm glad they stayed long enough for him to feel ready to have hugs with FC1). Mostly LO seemed to enjoy the visit, playing with everyone and loving all the attention. There was one point when he cried about something (not being allowed to play with a phone I think) and he seemed totally overwhelmed not knowing who to go to. I just swept him up and he was fine. Towards the end I took him out of the living room for 15mins or so of downtime and they took their cue and didn't follow and just stayed and chatted to my partner. When we were seeing them off at the door there was a scary (for me) moment when he put his arms out to FC1 for a cuddle. I gave him to her for a cuddle and held my breath hoping he would come back to me okay. And he did. And we waved them off with him smiling in my arms. LO slept fine last nigth and today we have had probably our best day since he came home. So, unless there's going to be a delayed reaction I would say that the visit didn't unsettle him and may have made him feel more settled. Hope that;s helpful for anyone thinking about FC visits. xxx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Glad to hear it all went well - I think you're right we are all different and we have to follow our gut a little as to what feels right for our LO's


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Glad to hear it went well xx


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