# Help Please dont know where to turn



## Kewoo (Dec 6, 2011)

Hi all

Apologies firstly if I am in the wrong place but I wondered if someone could point me in the right direction or offer me some advice please?

DS came home to us at 18 months old and has been an absolute angel, he has just turned 5.  Everyone who meets him thinks he's adorable, he's polite and acknowledges them when they speak.  It was only today someone said to me at work "How gorgeous is (DS) and so polite".  He is very well behaved when we go out for meals etc also.

He started school in September and was ok for the first month (he's been in pre school since he was 2 and no problems) for the past couple of months however I have been pulled aside I don't know how many times to say he has spit, hit someone, lied, caused problems in the toilets.

Myself and DH were called into school last week and we have agreed to work on a reward chart with school so he can get smiley faces and a reward, his Grandparents collected him from school today and he has been naughty 3 times.

He's very good 90% of the time at home and so so loving but it's like he's a different child at school.  We want to help him and we don't want him to be labled as the naughty child in school.

Can anyone offer advice?  I'm not blaming his early days on what happened to him but he did not have the best start (as I imagine most adopted children) but I can't help thinking it's had a lasting impact on him.

Thanks for looking
Kerry xx


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

It's bound to have have a lasting effect him, a lot of adopted children struggle at school, my son came to us at 6 yrs old, and struggles a lot at school, not acadamically but with the change that school brings, the infants were fab and listened to us and put lots of things in place for him like sitting near the teacher to feel more secure, he had a place in the classroom he could escape to if thing's were getting to much for him. They recognised that the he found playtimes, especially dinner time diifficult because of the unstructured nature of it, at lunch times the split his play and he went to 'help' in the nursery for 20 minutes each day.

Once he went to the juniors though I have had  a real fight on my hands to get them to recognise attatchment difficulties that adopted children have, I to was constantly being called aside by the teacher, have had several parents approach me in the school play ground!!! I have just kept on at them that he struggles with the unstructure of playtime, have put the owness on them, have said that we can talk to him after these incidents, but at the end of the day we are not with him during the day they are and asked them what they can do to help him manage his behaviour in the playground.

In the end I asked to speak to the year head as well as his teacher and printed a couple of thing's about adopted children and attatchment off the internet and took it in and asked them to read it. This half term things do seem to be setttling as they are recognising now what is behind his behaviour and dealing with it in a much more appropriate way.

I am also just starting to read a book by Louise Bomber called Inside I'm Hurting which a lot of people recommended to me, it is written for teaching staff in school to help them with working with children who have come through the care system, I am trying to arm myself with as much knowledge as I can so that should the need arise again I can fight on behalf of my son to get him the help that he needs within school.


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## Kewoo (Dec 6, 2011)

Thank you so much Miny Moo for your reply, we know he's not a naughty boy and that's what is so upsetting.

I have contacted SS for post adoption advice and someone is going to come and see us.

Thank you xx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

i just wanted to say I agree with everything Miny Moo has said.  Unfortunately school is really good at bringing trauma to the surface for adopted children.  It is especially hard at this time of year with all the changes in routine.  

I know school has been very hard for our son.  I have read the Louise Bomber book and it is a good one.  I hope you get some help from your Post Adoption support, I know ours has been very good.

Take care
Cindy


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

I'm not a mummy so feel free to ignore me. But maybe it's not him, maybe it's the school. What does he say about school? Is someone being mean? Does he just miss mummy? Is he just bored? It might be nothing to do with his past maybe it's not him, it;s them. Just a thought x


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## MaLarkinwannabe (Dec 23, 2011)

Hello there, I just had to reply!

Please don't brand this child already like the previous poster has said it could be anything causing this! Plus you look at any parenting forum on the web and it's full to bursting with stories of perfect little angels turning into the devil at some point in their lives! My daughter was an 'angel' until she hit her second birthday and then it was like the Harry Enfield sketch with Kevin and Perry....a little demon! 

ALL children have wobbles adopted or otherwise! It could be all manner of reasons, hated teacher, authority, missing his mum YES, could be gifted in some way and finds it mind numbing. Wonderful behaviour early on and good manners can be a sign of high intellect so he may not find it stimulating enough, it's possible and it's also a sign! I would say as best you can at his age, sit down and do his favourite thing and at the same time talk to him, don't prompt suggestions just ask small questions and let him do all the talking! I bet a pound to a penny it's something simple that could make you laugh in future, like he thinks his teacher smells! LOL

Good luck!


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