# needed a place to share my feelings



## WaitingMsSunshine (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi everyone,
This is my first post in this thread. This morning we had our BFN in our 2nd ICSI and I just need a place to express my disappointment. I don’t intend to offend anyone and I’m sorry if I’m rambling, but I hope this is the right place.
DH and I are both 31 and are working full time. We need ICSI due to my husband’s missing vas deferens, caused by cystic fibrosis. Cystic fibrosis is a life-shortening, chronic illness and makes everyday life hard for my husband. Nevertheless, he gets up every morning and goes to work and tries to fit his treatment in around everyday life. He’s my inspiration and I love him more than anything in the world. Every now and then he needs treatment in hospital which isn’t very nice for him but is also always a physically and psychologically draining experience for me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that our life is already quite demanding, which doesn’t mean that other’s people life’s are less demanding or stressful.  Now, ‘all’ we want is to share our love and have a little miracle of our own. Someone who we can love, spoil, see growing up and share our experiences with. As this is not possible the natural way we decided to go down the ICSI route. Our first ICSI was in January/February this year (2 day-3 embies). I went to get acupuncture and everything went fine. I think we had implantation but unfortunately lost our little one(s) very shortly afterwards. Afterwards, we got married and had some relaxing time off and decided to start our next cycle in July/August. This time we wanted to make sure and also had the endometrial scratch and embryo glue. Again, everything went fine although only 2 eggs fertilised so we had to have 2 day-2 embies. But we were still hopeful, as one person on here said before; every day-5 blast was a day-2 embryo as well, until this morning, when our little bubble burst. I took two tests and both were negative. AF isn’t here but I can feel her coming. Today is 14dp2dt so I don’t think there’s a chance that the test might have been wrong. We’re still quite calm but it hurts. I know it’s no one’s fault but I feel that we (or anyone else for that matter) doesn’t deserves this.  I don’t want to be rich or beautiful or live forever, I’m hardworking and only want what nature intends for us to do anyway. I find it difficult to accept that some people seem to have/get everything so easily, which I realise might just be my impression as we all really don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. I’m sorry to say but it hurts to constantly see friends getting pregnant. No one should have to suffer so much and have to go through this ICSI/IVF rollercoaster once or several times. I feel for everybody on here, you’re all in my heart.  
Nevertheless, we’ll try again in the New Year and I realise that there’s a life after ICSI, even though it will be hard it will also be our very own special life.
xx


----------



## angelica_wales (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi waitingMsSunshine

Sorry you've found yourself here, I hope you find the ladies here supportive. We all know a little about how you're feeling...

Never apologise for ranting - that's what we're here for 

Angelica
xx


----------



## Little Rie (Jun 27, 2014)

Hi WaitingMsSunshine, welcome to FF but sorry that you have needed to find yourself here. Your post has touched me, and I can certainly emphasise with a lot of what you say. It's the opposite in our house though, I am the one with several medical conditions, a surgical history and I live with daily chronic pain. Our IF is unexplained, but suspected to be a complication from unrelated abdominal surgery. I get on with life, for I have very little choice of alternative. Like you, we both work full time. I am 32, DH is 36. He is amazingly supportive and I would like nothing other to make him a Daddy. All of our 11 nieces and nephews adore him, they all have such a giggle with him. It completely melts my heart when I see him with children, and it also hurts so much that I haven't been able to conceive for us. Neither of us blame me, and all decisions about continuing treatment are made be me, but I know that whatever decision I make, he will support me 100%, just as he has over the last 14yrs. All my surgery has been incredibly hard, but it was my choice, my risks. I always think that it's so much harder to be family, loved ones as there's so little you can do other than just be there and be supportive. It sounds like you are doing this amazingly well. 


I wish I could give you a hug, so here is a virtual one    Try not to blame yourselves, look after yourself as well as your DH and I   that one day you'll have your much longer for baby.


----------



## WaitingMsSunshine (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Little Rie and Angelica,

Many thanks for your message it helps to know that we're not alone.

Little Rie - I feel for you and it sounds as if we are in different but very similar situations. Thanks for the hug, it did help!   I'll hope one day both our dreams will come true!!!

xx


----------



## pp1979 (Oct 5, 2013)

Hi waitingmssunshine,
I too have had 2 unsuccessful ICSIs and am now planning my options.  2 of the 3 people i work with have announced pregnancies since my cycle in may.  Every day i go to work knowing that i could have been having their experiences as well and it hurts like hell, it does.  My ways of coping are acknowledging my pain, not feeling guilty for it but giving my self permission to feel it when i need to.  I don't apologise for it either.  If i get upset at work, i tell my pregnant friends that i am delighted for them, i genuinely am, i wouldn't want anyone else to go through this, but i am sad for me.  Do whatever you need to, get upset, get mad, let it all out.  I have a friend who has been where we are 9 times before giving up and she said to me "whatever happens, you will be OK",.and she is right.  We may have our dreams come true or we may experience game-changers, but one way or another, we will be OK.  Big hugs xxxxxxxx


----------



## Lottie1802 (Apr 15, 2012)

I was drawn to this post because of the name, a place to share my feelings, this is something I've longed for for years, I am not going through anything as heartbreaking as some of you, in fact we are just beginning our first icsi, but I try not to talk to anyone about it because you feel like you just have to smile and get on with it, I love my husband and I don't want him to see how weak I really am! I have never been so scared about anything, the thought of spending this money and ending up in the same place breaks my heart, it's probably the reason I've been holding off starting for years. However you ladies have touched me , it's nice to know my feelings are normal, and your strength inspires me and makes me feel like I am not alone in all this. I pray you all get what you truly deserve


----------

