# Keeping infertility a secret and excuses for not drinking



## BrightSpark99 (Jul 22, 2015)

I think I have posted elsewhere that we have not told anyone about our struggles.  We have told our work (we need to for time off) but no one else.  Given we have been married for so long and that I now can't drink booze everyone is constantly asking if I'm pregnant.  It's really irritating and partly my own fault I guess.  I have started to stick to a lie of "I want to lose weight for holiday" (I  have ad 3 holidays since all this started so it's wearing thin).  Anyone else in the same boat?


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## Albatross (Oct 13, 2015)

Hi Brightspark
I kept what I was going through to myself for years and then realised that it was really bad for my mental health so told some friends. I immediately felt better with bringing it out into the open though and discovered that some of them were also going through the same. I didn't tell family as I didn't want the weight of their expectation or feeling sorry that things didn't work etc. But I think that friends have enough distance.
I actually already didn't drink so no-one thought anything of that but by partner found it really difficult when he had to do 25 days of sperm improving antibiotics over Christmas   we had to pretend he had a chest infection!
I would encourage you to share what you're going through with someone though. It's a highly stressful thing and puts a lot of strain on a relationship so good to have someone external to that to talk to xxx


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## RB76 (Jul 27, 2011)

We didn't tell anyone really either. I think we were the minority, in only telling very few people. Only one person at work knew and that was as we had no choice. Like Albatross I told some close friends but not family, until we were actually pregnant. I preferred it that way, to having to say no it didn't work etc and feeling their sadness and disappointment too.

I don't know what you usually drink but can you have fake drinks e.g. 'White wine spritzer' (really shloer etc)?

I would also be very irritated by the questioning. You would think people might realise it's fertility related and actually just say nothing, wouldn't you, after the several years of marriage. Nope, they carry on.


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## AnnR (May 23, 2013)

We were married for 5 years before our miracle dd was born.  We told no-one, not friends or family and had to put up with constant questions and speculation. I was reduced to tears on several occasions by the questions, comments about starting a family etc (managed to hold myself together until just me and dh at home).  It got harder when we had a miscarriage and still kept they quiet too. If I was doing it all again I think I'd tell my family and a couple of close friends because once I actually got pregnant and past the first trimester I came clean and actually think with hindsight that it would have been beneficial to have that additional support whilst going through everything! It actually felt such a relief and I was surprised as I thought people would look at me as 'inferior ' or with pity but they didn't. 
Just adding my experience in case you might want to consider opening up to a close friend or your parents /siblings? You may be surprised how much it helps you xx


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## stelmat (Feb 1, 2014)

We have also told very few, although people are starting to guess now we have been married a while and are getting on a bit.  In fact at a wedding last week someone came up to my oh and said do you guys not want children or are you struggling.  I then saw him a few days later in the petrol station and he started discussing the latest ivf article in the paper with me, random and I'm not entirely sure I wanted the entire customer base of the petrol station to know about it.

With regard to the drinking I've just said I don't fancy drinking anymore as it was making me feel too rough the next day and followed with must be getting old haha.  I have the odd glass of pimms but haven't drank anything more in years and people don't question it really.  At first I had a whole load of ohh are you pregnant but when it is several years later and I'm clearly not popping out babies after every social occasion where I haven't drank people no longer comment.

Just to add how it has gone with people we have told so it gives you something to consider.  My FIL guessed we had issues as both my husband and I work with him so he knows when we go to hospital for appointments.  There is one other chap who works with us and he also knows for the same reasons.  They both also knew after our first mc as we were really busy at work and I had to keep stopping to deal with it.  My mum sort of knows, that was a massive mistake as she has not been supportive and has just said things like oh well it wasn't a baby after mcs.  To be fair to her she lost one at full term so she believes it isn't a baby until it is born alive and healthy and that has been her way of coping.  I've only told one friend and again that was a huge mistake.  She doesn't understand at all having had one first attempt child and one accident and while she has tried to be supportive it has pushed us apart and made it awkward when I've tried to confide how rubbish I've been feeling.  It has certainly put me off telling other friends as I would have previously classed her as my closest and best friend so if she can't deal with it then I don't want to lose more friends by telling them too.


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## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

We have told a small number of close friends and DH's mum of our infertility, but only 3 friends know we're doing treatment. Their support is really valuable.

I hardly ever drink anything - either I make sure I am the designated driver or might need to drive later, and like others have said because I hardly drink or say "I feel like [x soft drink], people don't question it. And I suspect many have in the back of their mind "They've been married a while...."


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## BrightSpark99 (Jul 22, 2015)

Good point on after a few years no one questions the not drinking!

Is it bad that I don't trust anyone not to pass on my "predicament". My best friend is great but I know she cannot keep her mouth shut. I couldn't stand some of her other friends knowing. As for family, I am an only kid and both parents are sadly not with us. DH's family live abroad so it's hard to share stuff. They wouldn't really understand. I guess I am also not really wanting the pressure of questions about it. It's hard isn't it?


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## violeta (Aug 28, 2014)

Not bad at all. It depends on how private you are with it - some people are fully out with it, some people are not at all and some people halfway. It's completely up to you - I don't mind talking about my infertility, as long as I'm the person who did the telling. I confided in someone a couple of years ago about my infertility and then I found out quite recently that they went blabbing it around the office! If you can't stand her friends knowing and you don't trust her not to tell, then don't tell her. It's yours and husband's business, and yours and husband's only. xx


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## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

Hi brightspark, 

It's a minefield!!  I have always enjoyed being a social drinker, going out with the girls after work, bottles of wine, bubbles etc, but then I started fertility treatment and bam, you shouldn't really drink anymore, how do you get past that one  

I'm like you, I've only told three friends, each for specific reasons.  Last year I had booked to go to Ibiza with about 10 of my girlfriends. Well, you guessed it , treatment was then scheduled for smack bang during my holiday.  I had a choice, postpone treatment,  go on holiday, wreck my body for a week, come back and proceed the following month, or cancel my holiday and continue treatment.  As it was all new, I wanted to get cracking and having a family was my priority (still is) so I cancelled, but I didn't want to tell 10 people what I was going through, as I didn't want all the questions that come with people knowing.  This was even harder as one of the girls had gone through IVF the year before and was very open about it, so I thought my friends wouldn't understand why I didn't want them to know.  Anyway, I told my closet friend in the group that I was cancelling Ibiza and told her why.  She completely understand. I then ******** all the other girls telling them something had come up, that I didn't want to talk about, but that I was fine and not to worry, but it meant I couldn't go in holiday with them and that I hope they could respect my wishes.  Thankfully they all did and not one of them has asked me anything to this day.  Sometimes they might say 'i hope you're ok' and give me an extra long tight hug, but that's it.  My friend who I told said they all kinda guessed what's going on, so I know they know really but are kind enough to ignore the elephant in the room as per my wish.

Then I have another set of friends where, again only one knows.  It was her 40th birthday BBQ the other week, from 3pm onwards. Well, normally I'd be there from 2pm, till falling down time, but I was in the first few days of a FET, which included progesterone injections in my backside, so not only could I not drink with an embryo onboard, but I needed to leave early to get my injection done.  (I had to lay down to minimise pain etc) .  I was lucky that I managed to just tell people that drinking really isn't suiting me these days as I get terrible hangovers and it's not worth it and I can still have a good time without fizzy pop.  I was shocked though when my best friend said, 'you can have one sip'. I was like 'no I can't, I've spent thousands on this and I want to do everything I can to ensure a healthy baby and that includes nil by mouth where alcohol is concerned' ( during the 2ww in any case). She just kinda said, oh ok. 

Anyway, another excuse I've used is tooth infection, on antibiotics, got to get up early the next day, I'm driving etc.  

There's no shame in infertility, so I'm not keeping it from people due to that, it's literally all the questions I get from those who do know, about how's it going, what's happening, when am I having an embryo put back, was it successful and then having to tell their little expectant faces it wasn't.  I find it hard enough dealing with it, without having to explain in detail what's happening to me. Even my parents ask all the time.  But such is life and people are curious.  You tell who you want to tell and only on your terms.  

One of my friends knows we want a family (doesn't know we're doing ivf)  even suggested that  we try IVF as it's been a while and I'm 40....seriously, no!! I know she's trying to help, but she's the biggest gossip that I just brushed it off, I don't want her knowing or the entire village. 

Anyway, enough of my waffling, I've gone on a bit.  I hope my experience of the drinking issue and excuses I've had help a little bit xxx


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## muusa (Mar 28, 2012)

I was actually cheating - at parties both at my own house and elsewhere, I had a bottle of grape juice that I filled my glass with and I pretended it was red wine. With the help of my husband we always pulled it off, if a glass of wine was poured, he would empty it for me (he did drink though) and I would quickly re-fill it with juice. My friends were actually genuinely astonished when they found out that I was already 3 months pregnant as I had been "drinking" all along


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## Fertilityhawk (Jan 22, 2015)

It really is a minefield, we told close friends and family the first round, told less people the 2nd round as we felt that we were living in a goldfish bowl.  We've now had nearly a year off treatment as I needed a long break to recover but when we come to our third and final round we're hoping to tell as few people as possible.  Even now I'm constantly asked by close family "so what's happening now then" - well not ****** much so leave me alone!

I've told people that I'm on a detox and mega diet and can't afford the "hidden sugar/carbs" that come with drinking, that seems to put people off for a while at least.

I'm really passionate about infertility not being a "dirty secret" as it's nothing to be ashamed of but sometimes you just have to deal with things as a couple before you're ready to face everyone else's questions


xx


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## Albatross (Oct 13, 2015)

Friends of mine (a couple) who had fertility treatment told me when they were starting it just so that I'd know and said that they didn't want to talk about it any further. Then the next I heard was when they were pregnant. That worked effectively because it meant I knew what they were going through but I never asked them how it was going- I heard when it was successful.

Of course, if you feel that you don't want to talk about it to anyone in your life, you have us here on the fertility forums. I think that helps a lot. Xxx


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