# slipping back



## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Hi ladies have you ever got into that place where everything is getting easier, you think your better at controlling emotions ext and all of a sudden you start to slip back. After my ectopic I obviously grieved but after a few months I felt ok to ttc again until I realised I needed my remaining tube removed and my only option now is ivf. At that time it never went in my head to be honest until one day I went to the doctors for skin cream and ended up breaking down   she put me through to a counsellor and I started to feel better after each counselling session I did feel drained because of all the upset but I realised I was hurting alot more than I thought and it all came out. My counsellor said I had a delayed reaction with everything that had gone on and it all came down on me. I'm the kind of person to say 'I'm ok' 'go ahead talk about babies/pregnancy I don't mind ' BUT the minute I get hone I'm in tears. Alot of family memeber and friends were pregnant at the time and one even had a baby on the day my baby would of been due and the strange thing is he's the child I'm close to. I refuse to cry in front of people cause I want people to think I'm ok but then I feel like screaming cause they never ask how I am people just can't win. The only time my feelings come out is if I'm arguing with someone. Recently I've started to notice I'm slipping back I've started to think ivf will never happen,my Nans just had heart surgery so that was bad enough. I've started to feel Moody around my partner and he knows I do have these moments but I just moan at everything and snap at everything. I never see any positive side to anything I really don't want to go back to counselling it did help at the time and I know I can control some feelings but others are just out of my control. I feel like I'm going mad. Is this normal? Thanks


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi tinkerbell, you sound completely normal to me. I have come to realise that going slightly mad is a side affect of the infertility journey  
I too went to my GP about something non fertility related, all she did was ask me how things were going and I broke down, just couldn't stop crying but Like you I am now back to putting on a brave face.


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Thanks for your reply I'm glad I sound normal   and not to   I did exactly same at the go she asked how things were and I broke down and that's how I came to see a counsellor. I find myself putting on a brave face but at the same time I crave for someone to say ' how are you really feeling" I think that's why I broke down at the gp's cause she was the only one to ask. I don't expect people to cry for me or give me all the sympathy I just want Peopke to know I'm not always ok and just knowing they care and give me support would help but I just don't feel they do care or give support x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

have you thought about reflexology? it could help - it helped me after my miscarriage, helps you let go of stuff you don't even know you're holding on to until it's released... it sounds like you have some stuff you need to shake off and can't because you're trying to keep it in and then it keeps trying to escape in bits and bobs... reckon you need something to help you move forward or you'll just end up sticking emotional sellotape on again and again instead of really healing. xx


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## kiki808 (Oct 4, 2012)

Tinkerbell - you're perfectly normal in what you're feeling . I've been there myself too and sometimes long for someone just to ask how I am too. When I take the mask ('brave face') off too, I just crumble and cry, mostly in private. I recently had a bit of a meltdown a couple of weeks ago - my current clinic is unable to treat me so DH and I are now being referred to another clinic - I was due to start this coming Monday. I got the call at work and had to leave then and there. I was crying on the train home and a lady came and sat next to me. She tapped me on the arm and said, 'whatever it is you're sad about, it will get better, everything will be fine...are you OK?' I don't think she knew it, but her words and kindness at that moment, really touched me and I blubbed to her , yes, a complete stranger.

Do you have close friends/relatives you are able to talk to about your feelings? 

Kiki x


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Good bunny that makes alot of sense and sounds just like what I'm doing I will defunatky look into reflexology tahnkyou x

Kiki so sorry you need to go to another clinic and sometimes I find the strangers armed the better ones to be honest. My family/friends don't talk to me about it and when they do they say oh it'll happen I dont really think they know the meaning of ivf or how it makes you feel. I've found since my diagnosis just how selfish and self centred people can be including those close to you. I find it hard to talk to family and tho k my friends have bsivally disowned me know they have there family's. The brave fax is the thing that gets me through but gokdbunny has hit the nail on the head there is so many things I've kept in and know I need to let go but can't and because I bottle ur up it creeps back to me now and then getting harder. Why do we have go through so much x


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