# Kehlan's journey



## Klingon Princess

I think I'm going to start by looking back over the last few years and I'm going to be brutally honest.  This isn't my first attempt at adoption or even the second.  My first two experiences were horrendous and I'm not keen to put myself through that again but there is no other choice...  I'll explain.

I've been married to DH for 8 years now and about 6 years ago we decided to try for a family.  Nothing happened and eventually we went to the doctor and asked forhelp.  subsequent testing showed that he has zero sperm.  The result was that in order to have a family we would have to try donor sperm or adoption.

Well, I'm catholic...and at the time practicing.  And we all know the catholic church's opinions on fertility treatment so I won't go into that here.  DH was fine about the idea of a donor but back then, I wasn't.  Despite that I agreed to go on the waiting list, which I was  told was about 9 months.

In the meantime, DH and I talked things over and we... I, rather, decided to try adoption and DH agreed,probably more to keep me hapy than because it was what he really wanted.  He really does not like social workers... he's worked with them in previous jobs and has a pretty low opinion of them.

so... we made several phonecalls to several agencies and eventually decided to try the one that wa nearest to us in terms of distance.  Not actually our local authority, we live on the border of two authorities and the one for our county is actually further away than the other one.  A social worker came to see us.  She was really critical and to us, it seemed like she had taken an instant dislike to us...  She commented on the religious picture I have and made it clear she didn't like catholics (I can't prove this of course) and she seemed very disparaging of our home.

To our immense surprise we got a phone call a month or so later asking us to attend a 4 day adoption course which of course we did.  It seemed to go quite well, it was interesting and we learned alot.  DH had a few problems... he is dyslexic and really struggled with the classroom environment and the long lectures.  We explained this to the course leaders and they seemed fine about it.

To our shock, a few days after the course, the social worker came to visit us and told us they were refusing our application.  the reasons they gave us were beyond beleif... apparently during the course, we told her that we have no friends, because we don't need them, we have each other....  Now if we'd really said this, I'd understand them refusing us but it was a complete an utter lie.  What DH did say was that I was his best friend as well as his wife...  She told us things like "you love each other too much to have room for a child" and "You are not worth getting to know"

When we got the written report from them we answered it and addressed every point they made.  It was full of errors and had twisted many things we had said to make them mean something very different. In the report they contradicte themselves several times. I eventually got a reply to my letter in which they agreed that I had addressed EVERY point they had made satisfactorily... HOWEVER, they regretting they would not reconsider their decision.

so that was it... my first attempt at adoption!  I'll talk about the second attempt in my next post.


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## Klingon Princess

So... my second attempt at adoption....

After the heartbreak of our first attempt we decided to try the catholic agency. I felt that at least there I would be given a fair hearing and that my religion would not be an issue.

As I told you, I felt my social worker was anti catholic... well, we bumped into another couple from the course.. a couple who like us were practicing christians although not catholic) and like us they had been turned down.. as were the third couple to be turned down.  Interesting isnt it, that ALL the couple off the course who were not religious got through to the next round....

So.. the Catholic agency... they had my name on record from my initial enquiries.  WE had decided not to go with them at first purely because of distance travelled and they were aware of this as they had rung me after my initial enquiry.  So, they remembered me and asked why I had changed my mind.  I decided there was no point in lying as they would find out anyway and told them the truth, that we had been turned down.  they seemed ok about this and said they would judge for themselves but would contact the other agency.

We went to Nottingham to meet them and the meeting lasted about an hour and a half.  A week or so later we recieved a report in the post detailing the meetings.  It was full of mistakes, some of it really basic stuff, like I had told them my mum was scottish and they had her as Irish.  We wrote back to them and corrected the factual stuff.  As I said in my letter, a very large number of things were discussed in a very short time and it was inevitable that there would be mistakes and misunderstandings on both sides, and in the spirit of this, I was giving them the correct information....

that was my first big mistake... they later told me as a result of that letter that I was argumentative and could not accept criticism.

they still seemed quite positive at that time though... until they told me they were writing off for the report from the first agency and needed my written permission to do so.  I gave them the permission but admitted I was scared they would beleive the report as I could not prove it was lies. (That was my second big mistake)

the social worker from the first agency was a senior... a trained social worker and a colleague of theirs, albeit in a different agency.  Why would they beleive me over her?  turned out my fears were right.  The moment they read the report their attitude changed.  They rang me up and said they could not decide and were sending it to panel... the next panel was tomorrow and they would do it then.  I was asked if I wanted to attend but they told me "It will make no difference if you attend or not"
As I was supposed to be at work the next day and it was too late to ring my company to say I could not go to work, I explained this to the agency who said, don't worry it won't make any difference. (That was mistake number three)
Unsurprisingly the panel turned me down.  The reasons given were:

I am too argumentative (How do you argue against that without proving the point?)
I showed no understanding of adoption or the needs of an adopted child (Isnt that what the courses and home study is for?  to teach you?)
I showed no intelligence or capability of learning I have a degree, a post grad qualification, assorted other qualifications and speak two languages)
I am not a fit advocate for a child

Again I protested... their answer?  "Well you had your chance at panel and you chose not to attend.  you should have been there"

What more can I say?


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## Klingon Princess

Well, chapter three will bring us pretty much up to date.

Having been turned down twice for adoption, it seemed to us that the only route now was treatment.  After 10 failed IUI's, one lot of ICSI that ended in m/c and a failed FET (Ok, my test date is not until tomorrow but it was negative this morning and one day won't change that) I am forced to realise that treatment isnt going to work.

The 10 IUI's were not through choice, my treatment was NHS and they forced me to do them before I could move on to IVF. I was told that private clinics charged several thousand pounds, which we couldn't (and still can't) afford. I would have done egg share but no-one told me there was any such thing... and the NHS treatment took so long that at 36 I am now too old for egg share... so no more IVF for me.

so where do we go from here?  I've come to a decision that we have to try adoption one last time I rang our local agency and got an information pack from them about a year ago as I always had in mind that this would happen.  Yesterday I finally opened the pack and read it.... and made the phone call.

It must have been one of those days when loads of people enquired because it was today before I got to speak to someone.  They sort of interviewed me over the phone and it all seemed reasonable.  the only thing that seemed toworry them was that I have a German shepherd.  He's as soft as muck but that breed don't really have a reputation for being child friendly.

the only downside was, she told me that they are not accepting applications for children under the age of 6.  since we do want a young child, this was a massive blow tous.  But anyway, they'll put us on the list and contact us in a few weeks.  After which they will probably send someone out to meet us.

so that's it for now... Once again, all we can do is wait.  We have alot to talk about, alot to think about and alot of decisions to make.  We have decided not to tell them about our previous attempts.  If they ask me directly then I will not lie, I'll admit it.  but I won't volunteer the information.

It may be some time until I update this again... until I hear from them in a few weeks there is unlikely to be anything new to tell.  but if anyone is reading this, please feel free to comment.  I don't know if there is anyone out there who has been in a situation like mine.. if so, I'd love to hear from them.

thanks for reading.


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## Camly

hiya

i was reading your diary and just wanted to send you a massive    you sometimes wonder what else you can do to try and proove how great a parent you would be how can they make a judgement so important as they have done in the space of a few days?

i really hope you make some progress. please keep us posted.

lots of love and luck camly x x x x x


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## PiePig

hope its 3rd time lucky.


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## juju81

Thinking of you and sending loads of    

xxx


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## chelle21

hi hun
just wanted to wish you well on your journey, and   that it all goes well for you this time. you deserve this to work out for you and dh after going through so much


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## Secret Broody

Hi Kehlan,

I know it's test day today and I read your diary on your adoption process...I'm so sorry and wanted to send you a big Hug   

I hope it works for you this time...I didn't realise the adoption process can be so mean- All you want to do is give a child a home?!!    

Secret B
xx


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## Klingon Princess

Thank you all for your comments so far.  Not alot has changed since my last post expect that I got back my test results and they were as expected.  Now I'm waiting for AF to arrive and wondering what to expect.  I have no idea how long it will take to come or how bad its going to be... time will tell.

Meanwhile, DH and I went for a walk in one of our local parks and took the dog with us. Rufus is a pure white long haired German shepherd and is absolutely adorable.  He looks like a polar bear and is so friendly.  anyway, we were talking about the adoption issue.  He is not over happy about the whole thing, he wants a baby or a very young child and I think I've mentioned that our local authority is not accepting applications for children under the age of six.
It occurred to me how odd it is that we have just adopted a 7 year old dog, but a 7 year old child is too old.  Put like that it seemed so obviously wrong and unfair.... How can a 7 or 8 year old child be no good because of their age... don't they deserve a second chance at happiness in a family?  I pointed this out to him and he seems to have listened, to be willing to at least think about it...

For now, I'm not going to push it but will see how he reacts.  We have time, the local authority said it would be  few weeks before they contact us again.


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## Klingon Princess

I came home yesterday to find the answer phone flashing with a message from the LA.  It was too late to call them back so I did that this morning.  typically the woman I neded to speak to was in a meeting so I left a message and she did call back again.

She asked me quite a lot of  questions over the phone and has arranged to come and see us on the 1st December.  So at the weekend I'll be frantically making sure the house is not just tidy but absolutely spotless. Mum will have to be there as she lives with us, and so of course will DH.

It's DH that wories me.  We've had some long talks and I don't think he really wants to do this.  But he says what he wants doesnt matter, if I want it then we'll do it.  I just think his attitude isnt enough and that they will notice his lack of enthusiam. He is so caught up in the "I want a baby" bit that he can't seem to see past it.


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## ♥ M J ♥

Kehlan

Massive hugs to you for the way you have been treated 

Please Please make sure that your DH is 100% with you as you go through adoption as i can tell you that me and DH have a very very open and honest relationship and before we had children never argued at all however having 2 littles ones after being just us 2 for 10yrs has defenitily tested us, we are still as strong however a tad greyer! for my DH and i it took 8yrs of ttc and during that time we spent 2yrs thinking about adoption before moving on- we now have 2 lovely children who have been home for nearly 7months now and were just turned 3 and 20months old and i can say i wouldnt swop them for the world and age is just a number- our DD who is 3 understnads what has gone on in ref to adoption and is no less my child then a birth child would have been

Good luck

xxxx

Ps hope it makes sense cos i have wrote this while DS runs around like a whirl wind and DD is singing and chasing him!

xxx


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## Klingon Princess

Well, inititial meeting with social worker is over and I really don't know what to think.  The meeting was very intense and she was here almost 4 hours.  She  (the social worker) gave no indication of whether it was good or bad and kept saying it was not her decision, that she just writes the report and her supervisor decides, which I don't completely beleive because her supervisor will go on her thoughts and impressions.

Apart from DH, mum was also at the meeting because she lives with us and therefore has to be included in everything, all the training etc.

On the whole, I think it went reasonably ok or as ok as can be expected although a few issues did come up and I realy don't know how we will handle them.

If we are lucky enough to get through, the biggst problem is going to be finding a family member to be a reference.  Can't be mum as she lives here.  My dad and DH'S dad are dead, his mum is estranged and he has no other family apart from a cousin who is also his ex.  I have no brothers or sisters, only an uncle in Italy and one in Scotland, neither of whom have ever met Jim more than once.  They absolutely inisist on a family member who knows both of us and we just don't have that.

Also, DH'S ex... despite the fact they split up years ago,  they will want to contact her.  She is a problem because she has alot of reasons to be scared of social workers and will not want any contact with them.  Her eldest daughter is now almost 18 and is DH'S god daughter.  They stayed friends after their split and when she met her new partner (who treated her badly) and she got pregnant, DH was the one who helped her and as he wa unemplyed, spent a lot of his time looking after the kid.  Alot of people insist she must be DH'S but she isnt (he is and always has been, sterile) but he does love her like a daughter.  Social worker says she (the god daughter) will be fine as a reference but will still want to talk to the mother.

Other big problem is DH's age... he is 17 years older than me, I'm 36 and he is 53.  We were more or less told outright we would not even be considered for a young child because of his age and even if we get to the matching stage, that we will be often passed over in favour of younger adopters.

And then of course, theres the fact that DH isnt quite ready to go ahead, although he has not admitted this to the SW.  I think though that when/if he talks to her again it will eventually come out.

Having said that, we have time, far too much time for him to finish grieving and get on with the future.  We will hear by letter, probably some time in the new year.  If we are successful there wil be loads of forms to fill in and then attend a training course.  They only run two a year, the next is in February, which she says we would not get on as its to soon, and then the one after that is october, almost a full year away.  Another whole wasted year of waiting and doing nothing.

So, for now, all I can do is wait and pray


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## Carol 36

Wow I have just read all your post, you have cetainly have a very trying time.

I wish you loads of   and    you get the news you both deserve.

Hugs  
Carol


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## Princess Monica

Hi Kehlan,

Have just read your diary and wanted to wish you good luck, I hope you get positive news in the new year.

I live in lincolnshire and have today requested some information form the LA, we ideally want to adopt a child under 5 but from reading your posts it looks as though this won't be possible in Lincolnshire.  Guess I will have to wait and see. 

Take Care

Love princess monica x


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## Klingon Princess

Just a brief update. We got the forms through a week or so before Christmas so that is good I suppose.  However... reading through them, I saw the inevitable question.. Have you tried to adopt before and what was the outcome?

so... I can't hide it from them.  And as soon as they find out they will get the report from the original LA and then that will be it.  DH doesn't even want to bother filling in the forms.  

What we will do next I really don't know.  For now I'm focussing on one final last ditch attempt at treatment but after that?  I have no idea what the answers are.


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## curvycat

Don't let the previous experiences prevent you from going ahead.

I know of one very very persistant couple who went to 11 agency's before they found an agency who would work with them and they now have a wonderful DS! 

I feel for you as I myself am terrified of being turned down and wonder if after the devastation caused by infertility I could cope. You are a very strong woman and obviously have a lot of passion and fight. I believe this has been misinterpreted and I hope you will find a SW who See's your vulnerability and love.

I do think however you need to both be 100% behind adoption and maybe you need to spend some time with your husband until he is ready to let go off his dream to have a baby.

In our LA you have to wait 6 months after an IVF attempt to before commencing the adoption process. Maybe you should do the same, have a great holiday, cry, love and talk. 

I am lucky my DH has always wanted us to adopt and we tried ivf mainly because family and our consultant talked us into it. 

Please keep us updated and I wish you well


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