# Sibling ages



## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi 
We always said one or two LOs 0-3 years. But I always imagined at least one LO being younger than 2 yo, in fact for some reason 18 months old seemed perfect age for at least one of the LOs. 
But now we have seen a profile of 2 siblings who are 3 and 2. The younger is only just 2. 
I'm worried in case we say yes and them I feel like I've missed out. It's making me feel anxious but I can't visualise how young he will be as he's small for his age and I know adopted children regress to a younger age at first. 

Did anyone take a 2 year old after hoping for a bit younger? I feel like I'm being over fussy or over analysing. I'm a bit overwhelmed to be honest. 
The whole experience is overwhelming me more than I imagined tbh. 
Any experience is greatly appreciated. 

Thanks. GG xx


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

Hi goofygirl


It's hard when you have a younger child in mind and see profiles that nearly match what you would like to complete your family.
We were chosen for siblings but in my hear I knew I wanted to see 'the firsts' so even looking at profiles of siblings we never found a sibling group which had a child under 1 and an older child. I tried to get my heart to change that feeling but just couldn't.
We did see a profile for a group one was 1 1/2 and the other 3 but just couldn't shake this feeling that I wanted younger.
I am so glad I stuck with my heart, we feel in love with a singly boy who is now our son and I wouldn't change a thing. We plan to add a sister or brother next year. 


If your heart isn't with this group personally I wouldn't proceed with the link.


Good luck hunny it's a hard one. X


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Macgyver
Yes it's so hard. Reading the CPR was really difficult. 
Am going to be honest with the SW and see what she says. 
Thanks for replying xxx


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## daisy0609 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi we have a little girl who is 2 and I do kinda feel that I missed out a little with the younger ones. So when we do it next time we are going for as young as possible knowing that it may mean a wait but I don't want to miss out, even though I love her dearly if you no what I mean? X


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks guys. 

Pumperkin, twins must be great for age etc but hard work too. Glad to hear you're enjoying having them. 
Yeah would be great to have some firsts although actually 18 months would be young enough, I volunteered in a nursery and found them to be a lovely age for me. 

Hi Daisy, yes I do think I know what you mean. I think we would be happy and cope with the slightly older siblings but then might be wondering about what we missed and wouldn't be going back for another as you are doing, as we would already have our 2 kids. So we have to be so sure that it's not going to have a detrimental effect. 

Xxx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi Goofygirl
We saw a profile for two boys aged 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 and I thought they were just perfect but my DH really wanted as young as possible. 
I could not get these two out of my head for ages but my DH didn't want to miss so many firsts so we had to say no. It was quite hard and I still think about whether they have been matched and got to stay together. But now we have a link to a 6 month old pink which we are very excited about and I am sure the two little boys have found their perfect family. 

I think if you are worried that you may feel like you will miss out then maybe they are not the right match. My husband felt strongly like that with the two boys so we couldn't say yes. 

Good luck Hun xxx


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

also don't forget that by the time you've been through MP and they come home that could add at least 2-3 months onto any child's age


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi Lorella
Thanks for replying. Congrats on your link. 
My DH is really happy about their ages. 
And I'm so confused as they are perfect really and even look like they could be 'ours'. 
Going to have a good talk and think over the weekend. 
TBH it's brought back some of my IF feelings and I wasn't expecting it. I really thought I'd put that past us. 
Seeing the CPR and how easily BM and BF had babies even after they'd split up made me remember that while they were reproducing we were struggling and I was feeling really desperate and unhappy. 
I was really shocked to feel this way. I was ecstatic when we decided to adopt and more so when we got approved. 

I thought I'd feel really excited but just feel worried


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Beachgirl

We've been told that they will push it through quickly and that MP would be next month. So won't be much older than they are now.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think it's a really tough call.  Some people will say you should go with your heart, others will say that it's a situation where you need to be head over heart and think about what you really want.  We also wanted 2 under 3 but I wanted to do the baby thing, and put a very hard and fast limit on the youngest being under 18 months.  If I'd known what I do know I would have said 12 months.  As it was, we ended up with a 19 month old where we knew another was on the way, and we were led to believe we'd have the second child at around 5-6 months old.  That was not without its significant complications along the way, and we ended up with a 10 month old a year or so later.

Without wanting to sound overly negative, I think if you're after a baby and you're looking at a 2 and 3 year old, you need to be realistic about what you're likely to get.  I think it's true that a lot of adopted children regress at placement, but a toddler with delayed emotional (and possibly other) development is many, many miles from having the baby experience.  You get physical independence and all the usual toddler difficulties ++ combined with delayed emotional and intellectual development and it can be really, really tough for everyone.  It's not just what you miss out on from your point of view and whether you can reconcile yourself with that, but also what the child misses out on and how that can effect them, and how they may react to what is frankly, a terrifying situation for them.  Dealing with two newly placed toddlers at once could be really, really tough in the short-medium term.

Having said that, sibling groups where the youngest child is under a year and the elder is under three are not hard to place, in fact quite the opposite and they're usually quite hotly contested especially if one or or both the children are girls and there are no significant known issues, so it's possible that could be a really long wait.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Wyxie xx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Wyxie for your honest account. 

I'm not really after a baby (or at least didn't think so) but thought and hoped that the younger sibling would be 18months or less but this youngest will be 27 months on placement. 

I'm envisaging the first few months being particularly hard with siblings and I know others have had thoughts around wondering if their own bio children would be easier to manage and wondering if they have done the right thing. I'm scared of adding to these worrying thoughts with the additional worry of 'should we have waited for a younger child?'. 

But I'm also worried (I'm a worrier!) that there are no other children in our LA waiting for a placement at the moment and the national register will have lots of competition. 
Feels as though I'm being ungrateful as these siblings are lovely, uncomplicated and we are being told we are deemed just right for them. And we really want a family. 

But I guess we have to trust we will find the ones who feel jut right for us. I've already made the decision that we can't take these on. But I don't feel good about it at all. 

Thanks again everyone. X


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

((Hugs)) GG - turning down a link is always hard but you need to trust your gut even if your gut is saying no reason not to proceed.

We originally wanted siblings but the youngest under 18months and we waited a long time as they just didn't come up. I think in our area/consortium it was best practice to place a child and then look at subsequent siblings whenever the court proceedings would allow (and with no guarantees for the adopters).

Thus we started to open ourselves to a singly even though the average age of the "babies" in our National Register were around 15months so all in all we knew our LO would be around 18-20months coming home.  As it turned out we found a LO who was classed as harder to place from out of area. He had many things that we weren't sure of and I didn't have a huge pull of he's the one.... but I definitely felt he could be the one. we had to quite practical rather than emotional to ensure we had all the facts to make a decision but once we had answered all our Qs we got nervously excited for MP.

We really saw this little man in our lives for better or worse and I am so so glad we did. That's where I do believe you have to trust your instincts and if these LO's aren't not for you then they are perfect for another family.

x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Gertie

Our SW had told is weeks ago that there was a sibling group aged 1 and 3 that were deemed just right for us. But couldn't tell us more as placement order wasn't granted. He had gotten their ages wrong. 

Now I feel like I've lost something  . But agreed we are going to wait. Xxx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Goofygirl- when we read the CPR of our link it was really difficult. They obs prepare you at HS but it's nowhere near the same, as you are already imagining this child is potentially yours. After we read potential LO CPR my DH actually said after ' she needs us' (about our potential LO) and I agreed. We are now soooooo hoping this link goes ahead. 

I think when you find the perfect link all your feelings of excitement will come rushing back  

Please dont think you are being ungrateful. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it has to feel right for both of you. You will find your LO/Los who are just waiting for you to be their perfect parents   

Sending lots of hugs xxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks Lorella

Bizarrely I've actually realised that it's not their ages that don't feel right I think it's because I'm worried how I'll cope with two. I just felt bad about the link and couldn't understand why. Now we have admitted they aren't for us I've had space to think. 
We are going to ask to look at singly profiles and aged 2 or under. 

I hope we won't be waiting forever. 

Thanks again everyone xxx


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