# Last post, life is cruel



## bbew27

Well here I am..........
Last IVF cycle in January, resulted in no babies. February fall from my pony, posh name "silver lining" broken back, neck and pelvis still non weight bearing waiting for op........feel lost.

Some years God takes more away than he gives. We have had 3 ectopic pregnancies and 2 failed IVF attempts, my horses keep me sane. On the bad days I go for a ride, blow away the cobwebs, put it all in perspective, deep breathe, smile and carry on! Now I am never going to be a Mum and I can not escape to my horsey world because my body, yet again, has failed. Bob (my horse) was given a "show name" Silver Lining, because every cloud has one. My way of finding a positive if we failed to have a family!!! My 4 legged baby.

I spent 2 weeks in hospital and nearly 3 months stuck in the house, can't walk, drive, work, ride. I feel so alone, so desperate so, so sad. Bob is now for sale and I just want to sit and cry and cry and cry.

Please ladies, boot me up the back side, shake me up and put me back on track. I am drowning in self pity, bitterness and anger, you are all so strong and I just can not find anything to hold onto. Words of wisdom, please.........


----------



## JillieBean

Hey, not sure how I can help but didn't want to read and run, just wanted to say that I believe God only gives us things he knows we can cope with. Have the doctors been able to given you any idea what the future prognoses is for you? Sending you some light squeezey hugs   xx


----------



## fingers_crossed1982

Bbew, I'm afraid I might not be able to add anything useful, but I didn't want to read and run! I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Before we started TTC I always felt that everything happened for a reason, but the more time goes on and the more stories I read on here, the more I feel that there seems to be no rhyme or reason for why things happen and sometimes bad things happen to good people. It is just heart breaking.

I hope you can find strength and hope from other sources, your OH, friends, family. You are certainly overdue some good luck and joy and I really hope it comes your way soon. You never know what is round the corner. 

Stay strong and all the best for the future, whatever it may bring!

Xxxx


----------



## Debs

Oh bbew27 I will not give you a kick up the bum but I will give you a big   instead!

I nearly cried reading your post - let alone having to deal with all that    You have every right to be sad and wallowing in self pity etc so if you need a rant/cry or a scream then go right ahead  

You have done so well to have got this far - dont give in now  

I said in a previous post that I had learnt to live my life differently - its not what I wanted but its the only life I have and I do want to be happy somehow or other.

There will be other routes for you to persue in terms of being happy again I promise.  Its not as we envisaged it but one way or another we somehow manage to do it.  Have you looked into doing something with horses that you dont need to be mobile for?  Im thinking the animals that are neglected and need some love putting back in their lifes or is there a disabled charity that works with animals that you could get involved with?

Dont give up on that silver lining sweetheart    But most of all dont keep all this sadness inside - you are allowed to feel as you do and you are allowed to show those feelings - so do  

Keep posting here and we will all hold your hand along the way  

Love

Debs xx


----------



## Stubborn

Sometimes you need to feel self pity and bitterness, just to let it all out and stop it festering.

I hope your luck changes for the better soon, you have had so much to deal with.     

Very best wishes xxxxx


----------



## Kazzz

Debs says it all, I am here to hold your hand. 
xxx


----------



## bernie1971

Well...  I just accidentally saw your post and would like to write something.
(I am not usually very good at comforting people so this is not what this is about).
I have been trying to come to terms with childlessness for the last 9 years. It doesn't get any easier, no... however, the older one gets, the less one sees newborn babies/small children around one's friends. And the older their kids get, the more one realises that one did not necessarily miss that much... watch any parent of a grownup child and he/she is not necessarily any better off psychologically than those of us who never had kids. I know, I know, it's all b-s in the end and what you and I want is to go through the experience. However,.... I guess it helps me to put things into perspective. Or does it? anyway, it's worth a try... well, pm me if you fancy, some things are easier that way... and do not despair if I do not reply straight away, my internet is not too great at the mo!!! much love, b-1971


----------



## janeo1

bbew
So sorry to hear about your terrible year, it has been a real humdinger!! I am so sad you have to sell your horse and hope he goes to a very good home with a owner who will love him as much as you obviously do.  You have been through so much so far, don't even try to bottle your feelings up  better out than in.  I'm sending you a massive   as sure you could do with one right  now.  We are all her to listen if you want to rant, rave, cry, laugh whatever. You will slowly mend your broken bones........ and heart I promise. It's not easy but thepain does lessen in time. In meantime you know where to come x


----------



## Forgetmenot

Am so so sorry x

It does take perspective... and sometimes you think its the worst.  I feel that too sometimes... but then look at what I have and it really isn't that bad x

Its sad how life turns out x but we are all here for you... and no doubt all waiting for our happy ending...

I think we will all get there in one way or another.. just differently x x


----------



## gettina

Sending you lots of love and strength. You are not alone in feeling bitter and self pitying. I personally think we all cannot possibly get the sympathy and empathy we need from anyone else as what we are going through is so awful, so we need to give it to ourselves. And we should not beat ourselves up for that either. 
You have gone through and are going through awful times - I'm so sorry. 
I hope you can have real hope that it will get better from here. Good luck with your recovery and with finding a loving new home for bob if you really must sell him.
Xx


----------



## Mamaji

bbew27: As soon as I read your post I closed my eyes and imagined wrapping a huge warm soft pink blanket of love all around you    .  I've been to that place where it feels like there is no hope, that everything is lost and there is just desperation, sadness and emptiness inside.  At times like these, you do want to shout at God and ask WHY WHY WHY

I have always been a great believer that things do happen for a reason.  I have had long periods of time off work because of broken bones which took away my mobility, and now when I look back on what was happening in my life at the time it strangely makes sense    I saw a counsellor who also does complementary health medicine - she helped me to look at the whole picture.  She said that sometimes the body breaks down and literally imbolises us in order to give us time to heal any painful emotional issues lying dormant within, that have maybe been too painful to process.  I realised that there was a lot of loss and grief within me that I was shelving, keeping going with my life because the pain was too much to bear.  Losing my mobility, meant literally that I could not walk away from myself, I had to look at the painful emotions and begin the process of processing them.

You have had such heartbreaking loss, maybe this time of physical illness is to give you time to nurture yourself emotionally as well as physically and for others to support you with this.  My experience is that the processes of infertility can give us a tough exterior which we present to the world and to ourselves in order to cope and get through it.  When the reality is often that we are breaking down inside, fragile, vulnerable, scared but with our strength holding all of it in.

Be gentle with yourself honey, as others have said, your body will heal in time as will your heart.

I work with disabled children and regularly take them along to a horseriding school.  It is run by someone who also fell off her horse and now uses a mobility scooter to get around.  Her love of horses was so strong that she felt she had to continue in some form.  She has set up a petting and grooming class for the children who cannot get on the horse.  She has lots of shetland ponies and they have been trained to sit on the ground at a height which allows the children to stroke them and brush their mane.  

I had a chat with her when we were initially arranging sessions for the children I work with.  For some reason she told me very personal things - she explained that through ovarian cancer she couldnt have children and that her horses were her babies.  She said that she deliberately sets up most of her school around children.  She said that once she had come to terms with not being able to have her own child she wanted to fill her working life with children - both the two legged and four legged variety!  She described to me the emptiness that she used to feel inside and that now every day she feels like a cup inside her gets topped up with joy as she sees the ponies enjoying the attention and the delight on the faces of the children.  She had me in tears when she was talking as she spoke with such passion about what she does and how she wanted to turn her pain into joy for both herself and others.

I was at the school yesterday and she was flying about in her scooter gathering the children up, organising the ponies, she has such vibrancy ... which she says she has gained through the pain that she went through.

I saw your post this morning and thought of her immediately and wanted to share her story with you.

Sending you huge       and love xx


----------

