# Please help!!!!!!!!!



## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Guys,
I really need you help and advice.

The story so far. Last IVF Oct/Nov 03 +ive but MC.

Contacted LA's in May 04, asked about policy on lenght of time after IVF, said usually 6 months ish but could be flexable. Discussed it again with head Sw following our info evening when she came and visited us at home June 04 disussed being approved by Xmas 04, She felt it was not a problem. Got offered prep course straight away June/July 04.

First home visit with SW 2 weeks ago. She met us. had a general chat about time scales, seemed to still be ontrack for Xmas panel etc. 2nd home visit last friday, me on my own. First thing she said was she felt that 8 months was not long after IVF, we discussed it quite breifly and i felt i had reasured her that we were very +ive about adoption and giving up IVF, even so much that we did not take our NHS place that we finally got offered earlier this year. Spent rest of 2 hours on my childhood and family tree.

Ment to have been seeing DH today for his childhood and family tree etc, message could i come home and join the session.

Outcome they want to defer our assesment for 6 months or at least till after xmas!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in total shock. Her reasons seem to be that we need to get over the aniversary of failed IVF. I said I felt we had moved on and were totally ready to face the ups and down of adoption.

After all this rambling my real point is they can';t say its policy to wait 12 months because it had been openly discussed from day one so if it is her personal opinion that we are not ready i feel that after 2 meeting totalling 3/4 hours she does not know us well enough to say that. She said she is quoting form her experiance!! but should we not all be seen as individuals. I belive each of us cope with trauma and loss diferantly and some take longer that others to get over it.

Do any of you know any research i can quote re grife/loss and how we cope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much mandyxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hiya Mandy

So sorry to hear your news. What a shock. I cannot believe that they've set you started on the HS and then decided to defer. Talk about getting your hopes up and then dashing them. How very cruel of them.

We too had our last IVF Autumn time last year, but we didnt have +ve result and misc., so I suppose we are not in similar position to yourselves. We were told we had to wait the 6 month gap after finishing IVF, and when we started I was worried that they'd want us to wait longer. We did have an initial SW visit where they were very "erm, not sure if you're ready yet...."" etc etc, which really upset me, but that made me realise that every SW has their own theory. To me, they cannot possibly say when you'll be ready - nobody can. Only you and your dh can possibly tell when you've moved on completely.
We were told that we would receive a letter of comittment from SS - saying they are happy to follow us through the process, which we did. But were also told that if they decide not to accept your application, they would write and we would have the chance to reply. Our own SW has told us that our session about the infertility was just as important, because if she had not felt happy about it, she then could have defered us. I think the same applys though, I'm sure you'd be able to speak to a Manager or somebody above your SW. You need to be able to talk things through with somebody independant - ie not your SW.

I really hope you and dh can support each other and work through this. It must be an awful feeling and I cannot imagine what you must be going through, but if you think of it, as a short term thing - and your long term plan will still unfold, eventually. Do not lose site of the end result.

But please talk through your feelings with someone from SS, they should be able to ease your pain and answer some valuable questions.

Good luck, and please keep in touch.
We are all here for you, whenever you need a chat.

Take care

E xx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Mandy

Really sorry to hear that your SW has been less than sympathetic.  You are right everyone has a different threshold for stress some situations we find ourselves in some people can cope where as others can't.

I know I didn'thave any tx but we weren't asked to wait until we had passed the anniversary of finding out about our infertility.

Did she give any explanation as to why she was overuling the Head SW?  Does she also not think that by letting you get this far and pulling the plug for a bit is actually far worse than getting over the anniversary of your last IVF?

I would speak with the Head SW again.  I'm sorry I can't help with stress/grief/loss stats or anything but just to let you know that I am thinking of you and I hope that your research or speaking to the Head SW gets you where you want to be.

Love
Karen x


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## Lorna (Apr 8, 2004)

I am so sorry to hear that they made you wait.  I am afraid I can’t help much, because after our last IVF cycle we moved onto surrogacy.
But, if I had been going to try adoption, I’d have been seethingly mad that anyone would want to make me wait 12 months before approving us.  Basically my consultant laid it on the line that my chances of getting pregnant were so low, it was very unlikely I would.  Consultants never say “never”, because someone always goes and proves them wrong!  And after I got over the shock, about 24 hours, I was deliriously happy I’d never have to try again.
Every psychology course has a section on change.  Every management training course has one too!  There are many, many theories on how people handle change, but they all have one thing in common, people are all different.  Some people get stuck at denial, others never get beyond the depression, the sense of loss, and spend years mourning.  For them 12 months would be too short a time.  For others, like me, we just zoom through it and move onto to something else without a backward glance.  A few hours after the disaster, we are ready to go again.  And we are all “normal”!
You can’t say how anyone will react to life’s little tests.  And your social worker should be trained to understand that.
I can only think that the local authority is short staffed and overworked and is deferring work to make their lives easier
Good Luck
Lorna


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

I think Lorna has probably hit it on the head there. Surely one SW should listen to the other and more inportantly to you two as a couple. Get back in touch and say you would like a further discussion with them....good luck.


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## Lorna (Apr 8, 2004)

I reread your post and I just had a gut reaction.
Maybe it’s just me, but lumping people into a group and making a sweeping statement, often derogatory, about that group, just feels like discrimination.
150 years ago, those in the deep south of the USA, claimed African Americans were less intelligent and so they justified slavery.  We know it’s rubbish now, but then in 1850, it was gospel.  Everyone knew it.
What happens now?  Can’t employ women, they will run off have babies.  Debunked years ago, but one MEP spouted that rubbish recently.
And now your coming up against the strongly held view that it takes *all* couples who have been through IVF, 12 months to recover.  They have to have time to mourn the loss of never having their own biological child.
Hmm!
Lorna


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Guys,
          Thanks for your messages of support.

I have written a letter expressing our view and wishes to continue as planned.

I am going to phone SS in the morning and ask to talk to the manager of the adoption team. I want to either fax or e mail her my letter and would also like a face to face meeting with her and our SW if possible.

Wish me luck.

Mandyxxxx


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Mandy,

Good for you, best of luck, keep us up to date xxx


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## shannis (Sep 2, 2004)

Mandy

My heart goes our to youa nd I can only imagine the pain you are feeling.

I wish you every success and hope with all my heart you can move forward with this  ..........

love  shannis x x x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Mandy

Good luck

I hope you approach works with them and that you will be back on the journey soon.

Love
karen x


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all you messages of suport.

Spent the morning trying to get through to someone!!!! Finally managed to get someone to answer the phone, informed team manger was out for the day, but got her e mail and sent my letter, then left a message for our SW to call us.

She finally got back to me about 4pm. Informed her that I had contacted her manager and would await her response. I said that we had still not changed our mind and wanted to go ahead with the assesment. I think she was surprised that we hadn't backed down!!!!!

I am planning to call again in the morning to see if team manger is in and read my letter

So thats all for now. But this is certainly not the end by a long shot.

Thanks Mandyxx


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## Nats (Aug 22, 2003)

Hi Mandy

I knwo im a bit late coming in on this one but I think its awful that they have changed thier minds so quickly!!. We contacted our SS about 4 months after our IVF and they didnt see it as a problem at all.

I just want to wish you lots of luck and hope you get the answer you so much deserve so you can continue with your home study.

Love Natsxx


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Girls,
        Better news today, finally got hold of the team manger at 4.50pm. She has read my e mail and had sent a respone.

She did not know that our SW wanted us to postpone!!!!!!!!!!! I said I thought she would have informed her first, she said all that had been said on friday am was that she had some concerns, and the manager just told her to discuss them with us, so she had no idear.

She seems to be being v supportive of us and is coming round tomorrow night, yipeeeeeeeee.

I will fill you in when i know more.

Thanks Mandyxx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Mandy that's great news.  I hope the Head Honcho can get you back on the path.  How would you feel about continuing with the same SW after this?

Can't wait to find out how tomorrow goes.

Good luck 
Karen x


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Mandy

That sounds more promising! I was only thinking yesterday that to say she'd only met you for the very first time and already decided you'd be at panel by Christmas - was a bit premature to say the least. I would've thought that most SW's would be more cautious about telling us definate time scales until they are completely confident that there will be no concerns. If she'd had any doubts at all during your first meeting, she surely should have said "we'll just see how things go for now" and leave it open until she can promise a rough time scale. To me, I would've thought saying to you  "well, if everything goes according to plan and I see no problems, I would've said sometime in the new year - possibly anywhere upto summertime". At least that would give them more scope to check things out with you, and for you to have a rough guideline would have meant that at least if she had a problem she could've spaced the visits out more than usual, giving you the extra time she thinks you may need, and you wouldn't have known any difference. 

But to say confidently you'll be at panel by Xmas - and that's before she knows you is a bit suss, and I've a feeling she's probably realised she's given herself too big a workload and is using the "infertility" line as an excuse. 
If this is true, then it is more appauling than first thought.

Best of luck, will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Write down all the questions and things you want to say, just incase your mind goes blank when she arrives!!

Keep us informed


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Mandy,

Really pleased that they are at least taking the time to speak to you personally to discuss this. The head SW at least seems to have their head screwed on.

We have just come back from our intro meeting....wow.... they had 2 adopters there who talked about their experiences of adopting. It really gave a good perspective on what you have to go through. Interestingly enough, when it came to filling out the form for the SW to contact you, DH (who you might remember was initially set on a very young child) said just to leave all the boxes blank when it asked what age groups you were considering. The choices were, under 3 years, under 5, over 5, single child, siblings of 2, siblings of 3 or more. The only ones we marked as a no were for disabilities. We had already decided this. Because I am a paediatric nurse and work with sick and injured children everyday we just felt it was unfair to me to be essentially doing 24 hour care both at work and then again when I came home. I know it might be selfish because I could probably easily care for this group of children because of my background but we just feel it is not right for us. Also a child will complex medical needs would mean I would probably have to stop work which is something I do not want to do although I will probably only go part time after I come back from adoption leave.

So anyway, they were really nice at the meeting and now we are just waiting for a SW to be allocated to us 

Will keep you all posted

Morgana x


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## Nats (Aug 22, 2003)

Hi Mandy

Just want to say that it all sounds much more promising now, perhaps they should learn to comunicate with each other a bit more, afterall they are always telling us that comunication is so very important!!

LOve Natsxx


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Guys,

SW team leader came round tonight. She was very understanding but I felt she was having to go with a damage limitation exercise, and although she listened to us, she said she had to repect her SW as a professional and take her views into account. 

So she has agred to allocate us to another SW from October, go ahead with medicals and stat checks etc but only re start home assesment in January. I am not 100% happy at all but feel that we have no choice and if we try and force our point it would go against us in the long run!!! 

My only hope is that when we meet our new SW they may feel able to start the HS sooner and this will not offend our origional SW as she will be long gone by then as she is moving depts at the end of this month. 

I would be really greatfull for any info and the kind of things you have to do in the HS and then we can be as prepared as possible and hopefully sail through it in the new year.

TTFN Mandyxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Mandy

I know that you are not 100% happy about the outcome of yesterday's meeting but at least they are not going to leave you with nothing until January, at least then you will be making some progress towards the final stages.

In terms of the Home Study I don't want to post specifics on here because the integrity of the process needs to be maintained.  However what I would do is ask the SW if you can have a copy of the Form F, which is what they go through with you on the home study.  It outlines all the areas for discussion.  It is not the most user friendly form but certainly if you got a copy of that we could have a "chat" about it away from public area of the boards.

Thinking of you

Karen x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Mandy

I've not been on-line for the last week so I've only just seen the bother that you have been through.  I'm with Ever, I think it was a bit suspect for her to confidently say you'd be at panel by Xmas and she was trying to reclaim the situation.

It is positive that the head SW is behind you and although it might seem like a long time until January at least they are not making you wait another 6 months.  The contents of the Form F that Karen has mentioned are quite personal and it can be quite draining.  You feel as you're having to expose yourself to a relative stranger who will be judging your every answer.  You're not supposed to feel like that but it's very hard not to.  Like Karen, I will be happy to get an IM if you have any more questions on the process.

Make the most of the next 3 months to relax and enjoy yourselves or you can try and get some more literature on adoption from the BAAF or places like Amazon to help prepare you.

Take care
Cindy


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## morgana (Aug 31, 2004)

Mandy

What a nightmare, sending you a big hug. I know you must be terribly disappointed but I think you are right when you say that if you keep making a fuss about it that the SW might look on that as negative. It is probably best if you remain as dignified as possible but whenever it is mentioned from their side then just remind them of why you felt it was a bad decision on their part and how unsettling it was to be told one thing then have them do a complete U-turn on you.

At the end of the day we all know how overstretched and understaffed they are and this decision probably has no bearing on you at all, as was said before they have probably realized that they gave an unrealistic target date for you and are trying to get out of it without looking to stupid and sadly it is you who will suffer.

Anyway let us know what is happening and I really hope your new SW is a bit more clued up and supportive than the last.

Morgana x


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi All,
      Thanks again for you support, it really helps so much to log on and have a read.

Karen, thanks for your PM. We do have a form that we got  given as the prep groups and our session that had origionally planned for friday was on the maps etc so i am still planning to do that work so when Jan comes round we will be ahead of the game. i am also planning to get the book, Adoption after infertility as it is ment to be a very frank and good account.

TTFN Mandyxx


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

hi mandy, I am so sorry they did this to you when you were supposed to be starting home study. not fair. ours is a similar- but different- situation. they are making us wait too, because I had some depression during the initial infertility investigations. I have just had to take it on the chin though. The sw did say the best thing to do was to get positive and start reading books from their reading list which will make us really prepared when everything kicks off- hving read these books should help speed up our part of the form f. so at least i feel now I can do something positive, and show that I can bounce back from disappointment and make the most of my time. The four books I bought I have put in my post on P7 of starting the journey..
I got them all off amazon for a total of 34 pounds which I think is not too bad and I am gonna read my little tush off for the next four months!
hope things speed along for you.
I wonder if this sw could tell you where she gained the insightful knowledge that couples must have 12 months after failed tx to grieve. I would never wish IF on anyone but sometimes I wish some of these people REALLY understood what it does to you, and how much guts, inspiration, strength and hope we have to have to keep swimming upstream on our journey towards parenthood.
wishing you all the best,
kylie
x


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## CarolineW (Sep 19, 2004)

Hi ya Mandy

Hope you are okay hunnie?

I will follow your progress on here as well   Speak to you soon.

love
Caroline
xxxxx


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