# What a mess



## jeeves (Jun 30, 2006)

Hi , posting for reassurance/advise. After 18 months of thinking about it I finally managed to get to visit IM Barcelona with my not very enthusiastic partner. I was convinced they wee going to laugh me out of the clinic as we both have blue eyes, negative bloods and much more urgent, I am 44.5. Anyway they were very nice and I wondered out in a dream thinking 'gosh it's really going to happen'......but now I 'm still a bit undecided. Our daughter is 5 and everyone in my family thinks I've given up trying to have more children apart from my friends who think I'm mad. My partner isn't too bothered by the donor part but but very bothered by the new baby bit, been old, working for longer....And to really complicate the whole thing I came back to discover I'd been offered a new job...the one I'd been dreaming of for the last two years...so I would risk getting pregnant in my probation period...It is a public service so I don't think they'd get rid of me but I presume it would be no paid maternity leave and lots of disapproval........... Oh and the money ......the money.....I think I have to do it, but I do worry about my age, how I look ( young and glamorous obviously..... ......).  Anyway anyone else with similar demons at this time of nights, decisive action is not my particular talent and it feels a hard decision to make. Very impressed with my smiley though ...


----------



## Kitty kat (Mar 21, 2006)

Hi Bridget

Having a baby is a massive undertaking and one of the biggest life changes you will ever consider, so everyone has to weigh up their own pros and cons, not to do so would be foolish. 

I am 42 and recently married, neither of us have children.  My husband is from abroad and not working, to teach here he has to undertake a year's full time course which we will have to finance.  We are having DE treatment at the end of the month, so if it is successful, there will be five months with no money whatsoever coming in as I am self employed in a long term contract that I will be unable to do for up to year after the baby.  We live in a very beautiful but one bedroomed flat in central London and have not decided if we will stay here or move back to husband's country.  I get night terrors thinking, why am I doing this.  We have a good standard of living, great holidays, nights out whenever we want and I have shoes to make Imelda Marcos green with envy.  Giving up this would be hard but my desire to be a parent with my wonderful husband outweighs all this ten times over.  So I am spending my savings trying to make this happen and I'm putting my faith in the universe that 'it will all come out in the wash' and if we are lucky, it will be worth it. 

In my mid (single)thirties, a woman at a wedding asked me 'if I was too selfish to have children'  she wasn't being mean, just curious and I replied 'it's because I'm not slefish I don't have children.  If I want an accessory I'll buy a handbag.' well times change and no one knows what is around the corner and now I dearly want a child, I think you have to ask yourself 'how much do I want this?'  'How much am I prepared to change or scrifice to make this happen'  there is no right or wrong answer, just what is right or worng for you.  Good luck with your decision  K


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Bridget,

This is all so overhwelming isn't it.  But reading your post, the one thing that jumped out for me was your job.  I've been ttc for 8 years now, I've put my life on hold so many times and here I am still childless.  Treatment after treatment never worked for us.  Of course,  I absolutely am not saying your treatment wouldn't work or try to be negative about that.  What  I am trying to say is that since all of this, the one thing I have learned is to "go for everything".  Go for your new job, and if you decide it's right, go for your treatment too.  It sounds as though you've worked hard to get this new position and it would be awful if your treatment didn't work and you had turned down this opportunity.  I know this has happened to me many a time and I really regret it.

Once you're in the job, you can worry about the other stuff,  (LEAST of all, the disapproval - you'd have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about.  You are quite entitled to have a baby - regardless of your career position!)  At least you won't have had any regrets.

I hope this helps,

Wishing you the best of luck in this difficult journey,
All my love
Gill xo


----------



## AlmaMay (Oct 15, 2004)

Bridget,

I would like to echo what Gill has said and add that jobs come and go.  My life has been on hold for so long I just had to get on with things.  I don't want to be a downer about this but the statistical odds are against you even with DE.  Cycles don't work 100% so your plans of starting a new job and getting pg at the same time might not come through.  I hope they do work and all your dreams come true at once.  This has not been my personal experience of IF though.

Good luck,
Almamay


----------



## earthe kitt (May 7, 2005)

I'd agree about the job issues - once you're in the public sector and switch around probation periods don't apply unless you're doing a switch between sectors e.g. NHS to Local Govt etc
Also for maternity pay you only have to work for an employer X no of weeks before EDD to qualify
As for age - I'll be 43 when baby is born and DH will be 61!
The current plan is that once I go back to work from maternity leave he'll take early retirement  and be a full time daddy - I'll get round to telling him one day
Fortunately he doesn't drink or smoke or overeat so there is a very strong possibility that he'll be aorund for the children to grow up
Don't put your life on hold for treatment and don't let your life get in the way of treatment - there are no guarantees that it's going to be positive first time anyway and no one is guaranteed three score and 10 years

Also - sod your friends and family. it's your life, not theirs

Good luck

Jo


----------



## ChrisChris (May 25, 2005)

Bridget

This is the first time I have posted but thought I would let you know my experience. My wife is 45 now and we have just had a baby boy via a Spanish clinic (Ceram). I found it really hard to commit to this and we also have a five year old daughter conceived 'normally'. Your partner is likely to be thinking 'why risk it when we already have a child we are really happy with?' All the thoughts about how old I will be when I retire also occured to me (i am 40 now). Your partner is also likely to worry about what the child will look like, be like, etc when you get closer to a decision. Us men do like to pick it all apart and worry ourselves sick. Just before our treatment I really wanted to call it all off. 
  
Anyway we are back to the sleepness nights. Our son is healthy and hungry. We are spoiling our oldest child less which she probably needed and after 3 weeks it is hard to imagine life without him.

Clearly you will have to talk it through with your partner. There is no right answer here and you will both be fine if you decide against it. 

My one 'useful' bit of advice would be this: I thought my partner would be likely to conceive fine and so I talked her into using one egg and not two. I notice many couples have twins with 2 eggs and I thought this wouldn't be a good idea for my daughter in terms of our available time (or for us in terms of finances). We were succesful first treatment and so the total cost was £6000 all in. The clinics know that you are more likely to acheive pregnancy with 2/3 eggs but if you do proceed to treatment consider this carefully. 

I have been reading the posts over the last year or so and appologise to all those who read this and their experiences have been far more complex or unsuccessful. We have been lucky.

Wishing you all the best what ever you decide.

Chris


----------



## CC1 (Mar 18, 2006)

Hi Bridget,

I too am 44.5 and we are only just starting our journey to try to become parents, the resons behind this stem from my stubbornness to try and suppress the desire to have a child with material possession which were achieved by climbing my chosen career ladder as far as I could, and with each new job, came a bigger salary and even more possessions. My work had become my life, and it took my marriage nearly falling apart to realize that the path I had chosen was never ever going to make me happy. I have since stopped working and take great pleasure in the simple things in life, I know this sounds corny, but for me at least this is true.

I am realistic about our chances of success, but I can say, hand on heart that this is the wisest decision I have ever made in my life, and if we are not successful, I will have to learn to live with this, but I will do this knowing that I gave it my all, which in my book is far far better than living with the regrets of not trying.

Personally I do not give a flying fart what others might think of me, as far as I am concerned this is my life, and as long as I do not tell other's how to live theirs, then its nobody else business how I chose to live mine.

My advice would be to take the new job, and if you and your partner decide to go for treatment, then go for this too, and you are are lucky enough to be successful, then you can decide how to overcome the obstables as they arrive, there little point worrying about how high the obstacle is going to be until you get there. Hope that makes sense.

You will see from the many post, that we all look a life differently, so ultimately only you and your partner can decide what's right for you, but hopefully our views will help you reach this decision.

Take care, Cheryl xxx


----------



## safarigirl (Feb 23, 2005)

Bridget i have to agree with much of the great advice you have been given.  I would take the job and worry about the wonderful dilema of having to tell them you're sorry a few months later you're pregnant!  

I didnt take a well paid job at the start of "trying for a baby" and i figured a 3 day a week job would be better for me once i was pregnant/and had a baby - yes in theory that was a great idea, but i am still without a child (trying, but the reality is my path is still unknown) - now almost three years down the line, 3 miscarriages later, and going for my second ED cycle, I would give myself the advice to have taken the well paid job, (I too was worried that i would fall pregnant soon after taking job and have to leave and it felt like I was taking a job without integrity!!!!) and worry about everything else later - at least the well paid job would have meant i wouldnt be worrying about debts etc now (I took the 3 day a week job to have less stress whilst trying, but now i have less work stress, but more financial stress!)
Take the job, take the cash, and hopefully a beautiful baby too!  As Jo (earthekitt said) and Gill said there's no guarentees it might take you one shot, it might take two, and by then you might well have worked in your probation period .....

Chris its great to have a "male" opinion on these boards, i hope if you have the time you post on the abroadies thread, it always helps having other views and new people...


----------



## jeeves (Jun 30, 2006)

Just to say thank you for all your very wise and good advise, don't feel quite so alone with my decision.
Thanks very much.


----------



## kimevans (Jun 2, 2006)

I'm about to dive off the IVF jumping board & I've had second thoughts too.

I think mine is just fear of it failing & how that would make me feel.  So maybe we all get cold feet at the last minute.  

I know if I didn't try I would regret it & I have gone through it now & feel more positive, but for a couple of weeks I was wondering were we doing the right thing.

So your doubts & worries are perhaps a normal stage in the IVF journey.
Best wishes for whatever you decide & the best of luck too.
Kim


----------



## roze (Mar 20, 2004)

Hi-  I agree with Safarigirl- take the new job if it is what you want and if it will make you happy- the rest will fall into place.

I have a similar issue- I took a drop in salary and status a few years ago to take  a job in what I thought would be a good environment to support my IVF, also in the public sector.  Boy, was I mistaken.  I had the hardest time ever taking clinic appointments and was made to take them as annual leave, whilst male staff got time off for medical appointments and others generally got so much more latitude than I.
Then my female boss loaded me up with work the evening before I was due to go into hospital for my first IVF so much that I had to work late. I was only to be off for three days. Things just  got worse and I felt victimised , however I could never prove anything as it was all so subtle.
When I had my first and only BFP and unfortunately miscarriage, I had to threaten that employer with the European Court of Human Rights in order to get paid, as they decided that this counted against my sick entitlement.  It was  a complete nightmare.  

I have a choice of a new job in the private sector in a largely male orientated environment and am concerned about the ease of which I can arrange time off for IVF, and whether I should tell them.
My DH ,like Safarigirl thinks I ought to go for it as it is much better paid, they are undoubtedly better employers and if I feel better about myself and my working life, many things are likely to improve, and who knows what may happen.  Whatever happens I probably should not stick a dead end job with a lousy employer just for a few more quid in maternity pay, and would not recommend that anyone do this.  Whatever the outcome of DE IVF, you need to retain some self esteem.

I hope you make the right decision for you, and the best of luck.


roze


----------



## babybliss (Jun 3, 2006)

Hi Guys just thought I'd join in with this discussion because you all seem to have a lot in common with me! I have had no kids yet, age 44 and dh 41, left it too late, dh also wasn't interested early on. Was 37 when we married (he put me on the pill as the Kirsty McColl song says) and then when I was 41 we got the devastating result that his sperm analysis meant he's infertile, we were so shocked, he is one of 5. We then had an op for dh on a varicocele he had, hoping it'd solve the problem but it didn't then visited nutritionist, that was no good either, hence after 2 failed tries ICSI and being told my eggs are "too old" for tx, (but OK had my partner been fertile) I have to face donor eggs and ICSI with dh sperm. It's tough. Also I recently got a new quite demanding good salary job, but I took it on well partly because we need the money and common sense dictates the donor egg might not work, and you can't guarantee anything. I also figured if we do manage it i'd be on higher maternity pay??!! The only drawback, because I find the job stimulating and enjoyable, is the long hours and stress which aren't good for conceiving, so i'll have to watch that. If it happens I'll be soooo careful. I work in public sector.
That's all. Just nice to touch base with others like me, take care and babydust to all, babyblissXXX in Birmingham


----------



## mick1 (Mar 28, 2006)

Hi just reading these posts make you realise you are not the only one with those thoughts or those problems etc,I too have been lurking round this site since april thinking about donor egg treatment abroad, have made some initial enquires to clinics, thought I had decided which one to opt for but now not so sure as it hasn't done well in the clinic review and I wonder whether each persons view on a clinic will be swung as to whether or not they are successful. Also dh is not keen at all and each day I have a range of thoughts as whether or not to go thru this again(7 years ago 3 ivf +1 frozen cycle) and whether I've got the strength to carry him thru as well. We really didn't have a good time last time + dh thinks we should not put ourselves thru it again, although he has agreed to go thru with it if I feel I have to.The past 7 years I have been burying my head and I am not happy, I yearn to be a mother but the odds are stacked against us even if I decide to go ahead, I am 44.5 + dh 47. I am frightened of failure as this will be my last chance. I welcome your thoughts


----------



## Andream (Feb 14, 2005)

I thought I would say my little bit. I am as some of you know trying for baby no 2 as I have a son who was conceived naturally. I have also had 3 mcs. I think we should all just do what feels right for us at that particular time in our lives. Loads of people have asked my why we are doing this as we already have our ds but you know in my head I never just had one child I had 3 or 4! 
As long as we have the emotional and financial resources to carry on we will until either we have another baby or we decide we have had enough. In my heart I can honestly say that neither of us have reached that point yet.
As for going abroad I say take the plunge I have been to two clinics CERAM and IM and was impressed by both. Everyone speaks good english the standards are very high and we have always felt looked after. I went for a scan a couple of weeks ago with a gynacologist and he said that he thought it was a fab idea as the chances of getting ED treatment in the UK are now so low. We all travel a lot more these days anyway so it didn't feel strange to us.
And finally as for life I have always carried on as normal booking holidays (skiing booked for next april!) and going for promotion at work. I don't want life to pass me by while I am waiting and I think for me the carrying on as though nothing is going to happen helps me with the emotional side of things. 
These are just my random thoughts not everyone is the same but I think what I am trying to say is do what feels right for you and sod what everyone else thinks/does  
andrea


----------



## cecily parsley (Jun 14, 2006)

Hi mick1
I dont think anyone takes the DE approach lightly, nothing is straightforward and there are always pluses and minuses. I am not very good at decision making - fine  at work re decision making, ie can make decisions easily and not mulling over and over analyzing them , but this is different.

My philosophy with this is that it is worth a go, because youve got nothing to lose and possibly so much to gain. If it doesnt work you are unfortunately remain  childless, but you then dont regret not trying.  Your age doesnt matter as much as it did 7 years ago with your own eggs. I guess the question is "does the pain of a prospective bfn make the venture too scary?" The problem with IVF is that self worth equates to treatment outcome - bfn's make us feel like failures when it is not us who have failed - the treatment hasnt worked.

And Im not sure which clinic you are considering, the more that are mentioned on this site the bigger the choice, the more difficult the decision making. Im going with ceram which has had a bit of bad press recently, I based my choice on several things, mainly because of Ruth who is unquestionably the most amazing , empathetic and warm person and highly experienced fertility nurse . I trust her implicitly,  in a way that  as a nurse myself  have found it difficult to with anyone else medical. People who have had bad experiences have equally praised  and dissed various clinics, I dont think people who have had succesful outcomes generally have bad things to say about their clinics. Reviews are by their nature subjective - film and restaurant critics can never agree, it really depends what you are looking for, what is important to you. 

My unsolicited advice would be to chase up your chosen clinic a bit further and have all the info to hand before you decide finally what to do, - all the clinics have similar good percentage rates with DE. Have you joined the mon night chatroom for treatment abroad at 7pm? Ruth, from ceram is usually there and gives unbiased advice even if you arent going to her clinic, plus you can talk to people  pre post and during ivf at all sorts of clinics. 

hope I havent come across as over opinionated, 
best wishes
cecily p


----------



## babybliss (Jun 3, 2006)

Not at all Cecily, you views help,   ny other opinions welcome. Thank you for the tip about Monday nights, that's reassuring. Although I have never used a chat room yet, so should be interesting. It's Bank Hol so I'll be home then too, no work! Yippee! And Andream I completely agree it does not matter what people think. My best advice has been from women who were successful with donor eggs already and seen the results. They are realistic and pragmatic, I think it's important to be honest from the start and not try to pretend. 
Mick1 I can see you are worried but the chances are very high with donor eggs if you are willing to give it 2-3 tries. I read on a Spanish clinic 95% for 4 goes. We aere all frightened of failure believe me and it is painful, but if you want a family enough you'll do it. 
Bye for now, Kind Regards
Babybliss


----------

