# food issues....



## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

Hi, I am looking for some advice here. We have adopted a little boy, 15 months old who came to us with weight issues. Things were going really well for the first 4 weeks and we managed to cut his milk intake in half with no real issues. He still eats 3 big main meals a day plus endless snacks. And he still has a bottle of milk on wake up and one at bedtime. 

However, since Friday, he has become unbearably unhappy and his demands for food are becoming harder to manage. I try and give him healthy choices like apple and celery, cheese, blueberries and crackers for snacks (and even sometimes keep a few squares of toast back from breakfast to use as a snack) but he now bursts into tears at the drop of a hat. (long drawn out inconsolable periods of crying) it's definitely emotional crying as physically he is fine. He sleeps through the night and for an hour in the day and is fine when he's eating. He drinks plenty of water, so it's not that he's thirsty. I am running out of ideas to calm and distract him and the cold dark afternoons are not helping. Does anyone have any ideas?

thanks
ally


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

Hi Ally, we (DW and I) love reading your blog.

You have said that FIL has stayed over recently - perhaps this has something to do with it?  You said that they got on from minute one, which is quite surprising really as you would expect LO to want his mummy rather than be happy with someone he doesn't know.

It all sounds like attachment problems and he has regressed due to this interruption?

This is only my guess though, hopefully someone with more knowledge will help you out soon - hope you're having a great Christmas though!

Paul xx


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

thanks daddyboo. this has crossed my mind. i'm driving myself crazy looking for the triggers.  i think the real test will be when dh goes back to work again. i want to ignore the crying but it seems to make it worse. last night was a real crescendo...my poor neighbours. not the magical xmas we had hoped for. lol!


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Ally hun Bubba came home 10 days before xmas and it was truely awful she cried all day was angry and wouldn't eat at all, which ok is normal for her so maybe lbm wants more as he is unsettled.  After lunch we took her out of her dress straight into buggy and off we went when we got home she was asleep all remaining presents opened by hubby and me and in cupboards out the way. We throw the xmas tree out the front door on boxing day and returned the house to normal. 
2nd xmas was better but still not quite the magic we dreamed of. 
3rd Christmas yesterday was amazing she still hasn't got the santa at all but have a feeling next year will be even better.
I truely believe the smallest things scare our lo's. We went to the twins bday party in the summer and bubba cried she was uncontrollable hubby sat outside with her eating icecream. 

I know another couple on our prep group (think u know who I am talking about) had her boys home in jan despite being matched at the same time as us. She was a bit upset as would miss xmas etc after last xmas their 1st our 2nd she said I am so glad we didn't have them home last year her yougest cried eldest went into himself.

It gets easier it just takes a long time you are doing a fab job xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

Our LO was 15.5 months when he came home and ate everything - even things the FC told us he didn't like. Went into hysteria crying when food was finished (like that at FC too) but more intense as he was still grieving.

We kept meals and snacks rigid but no more than 2.5 hrs btw things. Ie milk first thing, toast an hour later, small cereal 1hour after that. Small milk before nap, lunch 15-20 mins after waking....

Personally I would treat as younger baby. They need fed more on demand. You can limit calorie intake by watering down his milk (we did this for night feeds that he'd became adjusted to). Snack is always same time and roughly same thing - fruit or crackers.

He's still in early days so the strict routine will help him know the score and make him safe. I would agree with DaddyBoo that it sounds like a little upset and in the early months you can get a lot if these - sometimes knowing the triggers and others you just deal with the blip and go back to what was working. Did LO spend time in respite - if so he's msybe coped the first few weeks thinking its like respite and after a period it's dawning on him he's not going back hence another regression with grief. Our LO did seem to do this after 3wks (the longest he had spent in respite!

Does he still use a soother? Ours only had one at night but regressed during intros and lived on it for the first few weeks. We were able to wean off again once he felt safe with us.

Food is a big thing and I recall reading its THE primary attachment before a newborn learns to trust mum as it's a primal need for survival. Thus if LO has lost his primary attachment figure (presumably FC) then his need for survival is kicking in. This rationale helps explain why in times of stress some of us crave food. 

HTH and congratulations on your son x x


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

gosh, thanks guys. all soooo very helpful. he demands food almost every hour so just keeping to healthy snacks that take ages to eat. i have watered his milk too which he hasn't really noticed but am sure this makes him more hungry. 

he is currently massively rejecting my dh ( i think he worries he will distract me and i'll forget to feed him) this is so hard for my dh. i really feel for him, he was in floods of tears this morning. gah...they are all crying. lol! anyhoo...will soldier on and just keep feeding him. 

thanks again.

xxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Ally,

The rejection is normal - the LO needs to bond with one of you first before accepting the other. If LO had good male in FC he may not wish to replace him with your DH yet or you may remind him if female FC. My LO bonded with DH initially which was sooo hard but it got better. Remember you have the rest of your lives to build this and it takes months & years for proper attachment. Were 11.5 months in and LO has great connection with both of us (he's became a mummy's boy in last few months but generally prefers males incl DH).

It's a marathon not a sprint is a good mantra. DH and my LO have bath time as their thing. 
It's good for them to have 121 time when they are ready and let you get a rest and let them find their relationship.

X x


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

Thanks gertie, the snag is my dh normally leaves for work before he wakes up and he gets home after he is in bed, so they don't see each other in the week. The first weekend reunion was great. This last one has been awful.

I love the marathon mantra...I'm going to keep telling myself that. I think I will just keep being the main carer as dh goes back to work soon and that again is more change.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

There's other things you can do in a few weeks when DH back at work - speaker phone/face time/Skype as well as having photos of you three around the house and look at. I also used to know when DH would be home and for 10 mins before I would talk about DH a lot and him coming home to give LO kisses - now this is a big fun ritual they have. As I very rarely left him for first few months I didn't really get grand reunions so I wasn't seen as the fun one.
It was another way for them to have their special connection so it could be a funny noise/face that only DH does that LO loves (blowing raspberries even).

There's nothing to stop your DH from lifting LO when he's sleeping and having a little cuddle (as long as LO a good sleeper). It will help your DH bond and on a deeper level LO will know his smell and breathing thus all becoming familiar. DH could always do Saf morns for instance and LO will get used to it being their time. My DH has Sunday mornings and my LO loves his special daddy & grandad time.

Just small ideas that we found worked for us. X d


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

all great ideas, thanks. swimming on sat mornings used to be their 'thing'...last sat, dh had to end it after 10 min as LO was crying so much and had really worked himself up into such a state. so strange as he initially attached to him so well...now i think he panics as he knows he will lose him again during the week. 

baby steps...baby steps.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Ally

This all sounds quite typical for a little one on placement.

The milk/food is his comfort at the moment, it is his way of coping.  Just a thought, upon placement my son (then, under a year old) was having his milk out of a free flow bottle (most of it flowing over him in FC   ), once I had him all to myself at home (  ), I changed his bottles to first Avent suck bottles, cradled him in my arms during milk times and it made such a difference   .  It slowed the feeding (frenzy!) down and became a way for me to soothe him, rather than just something else in his mouth.  If you have not already done so, invest in a rocking chair too, to make it doubly soothing for him.  The sucking tired him out too so he would often fall asleep before I placed him in the cot   . It is what he needed.

It might be frowned upon by Health Visitors (who are used to dealing with secure birth children), but for our little ones there is a much more pressing need for soothing/attachment type parenting than worrying about teeth (at the moment   ).  

Just a simple thing to try (if you have not already done so).

Hope he settles.  It may take a while but once he learns he can trust you to be there whenever he needs you, things will improve.  Like you say, slowly, slowly, but you will get there.

DE x


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

Thanks dame Edna.... Yes he has a sucking bottle for his milk and really enjoys it. He has no trouble sleeping, so we're ok there. You so right though, the food is his way if coping and I need to keep that up, just make sure it's healthy. In a years time if there are still weight problems, then we can re-assess but right now I need to keep things comfortable for him. We had a massively improved day today.... No unexplained tears but then it was just me and him and the fridge!  My dh made an appearance just before bedtime and he got some heart-melting smiles from the little guy. He really needed that. 

Thanks for all your help.

Ally x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Ally

. That's good you have the 'cosy' suck bottles  

Sorry, without reading back, I am not sure how old your little one is?

I am of course no Doctor, but I would not be overly concerned about his weight at such a young age.  Our DS was very big for his height, when he came to us and was out of proportion (again, like your DS, he used his milk/food for comfort in fC - I don't blame him as I would have too     ).

Actually, the Health Visitor we had at the time was not too worried about it either as he was still active and in her opinion, he was likely to loose it once he was walking    She was right, and once he was walking/running, his weight naturally dropped off.  He now has a perfect build and weight for his height.  His baby weight has absolutely no reflection on his proportions now.

I'm no expert, as I say but that was my experience.
X
PS. My DS used to collect 'fluff' in the chubb fold at the back of his neck - so cute


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi Ally Wally, I haven't read all replies but just wanted to add a quick response as this is something we had a lot of problems with and I really do sympathise with how upsetting and frustrating it can be when things seem to go backwards.  

Wyxling came to us considerably overweight for such a young child (19 months at placement).  She uses food to sooth and at the time would literally eat anything she could.  Feeding had been irregular in time with birth family, and the result was that if food was there, she would eat as much as she could.  It had somehow gone unnoticed while she was in f/c and in the 6 months since her previous medical her weight had become an issue.  We gradually reduced food intake over some months, and cut out a lot of the crap straight away, but it took over a year for her weight to normalise.  We were advised that it was not good for a young child to lose weight and so we kept her weight constant and her height caught up with it in the end.

It has taken a long time for Wyxling to understand the concept of "full" and we are just starting to get there, but mostly she accepts what she's given and doesn't fuss too much now.  However for a long time in times of stress she would be constantly looking for food and it was the only thing that calmed her.  Something like Christmas which involves break in routine would induce lots of stress and food would once again become a big issue.  We never really found a short term solution, but over the longer term we simply made sure food was always predictable, set meal times and snack times and always the same amounts of food, treats at the same times, fruit at the same times etc, and over time she's started to accept food is always going to be there, and no need to "pig".

Hopefully after Christmas fuss has died down things will start to settle a little and you will enjoy some of your break.  Hope you're doing OK - I do sympathise with the not ideal first Christmas, ours last year was pretty rubbish and very upsetting.  Hopefully as time goes by he will become more settled and disruptions like this won't cause as much upset.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

All so comforting to read. Thank you. He is 15 months old and is nearly 12 kg. It takes me ages to dry between all those folds at bath time. ;-)  the health visitor wasn't too worried but did say we need to massively reduce the milk which we had done anyway and to monitor the weight in  a few months time when he starts to walk unaided.  

He is definitely too young to understand the concept of full. I  have been keeping portion sizes of all meals and snacks the same. Every time I scrape the bowl for the last spoonful, he starts to panic. The moment the meal is finished, I have to take him out of the high chair otherwise he demands more by whining and grunting and sometimes crying. We're getting there though. I let him self feed where possible and now place all his picnic lunch items on the plate in front of him and he eats them one by one.  Am really starting to realise that using food as a comfort is just his way of coping throughout this massive change in his life. 

Xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Just a quick thing - we used to say "nearly finished" & then "last bit"
We still use this now and it really helped prepare our LO as he used to meltdown when food was finished but it wasn't about hunger.
HTH x


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

My lo had massive food issues when he came home at 22 months. He would go to his chair from 9.30  wanting lunch and would have terrible tantrums throwing himself on the floor and against the wall and hitting himself. We did as you regular meals and snacks and feeding on demand with extra healthy snacks. Things gradually improved though we had months of him grabbing our hand and trying to drag us to the kitchen. It's a year in January and things are much better now though he does still use food as comfort. Lo was 14 kg at 22 months  but he gets much more exercise than in fc and his weight in relation to his height is improving. You are doing everything right. Things will get better. Lo bonded to me first and took quite some time to bond to my dh. Hard to believe that now seeing them together.


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

Just an update....we had a really good morning and dh was trying really hard to bond with him and it seemed to be going well but this afternoon / evening it all went wrong again. I think I am going to have to continue as the primary carer and dh is just going to have to take a step back. Hard as it may be. LO is displaying very peculiar behaviour. He keeps taking my hands, opening them and then closing them. Climbing onto me, pulling at my clothes and then pushing me away. Oh and then rolling his eyes when I don't understand. Anyone know what this means? Is he looking for food? 

Am on my own again with him tomorrow as dh is out for the day, so it will be interesting to see how it goes. Social worker is due round next week so it will be good to get her opinion.

Have cancelled a family visit tomorrow as it would just be too much for him. I don't want to overprotect him but right now,  he is an emotional mess and a strange house and people would be too much.

Xx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

Could just be oh look if I do this that happens. Eye  rolling could just gawd mum why aren't you laughing at me.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I get a huge amount of this with Bladelet (not food, just the wanting me, then not) and I think often the climbing on/ pulling away (or wanting to be picked up and go straight down) is just looking for reassurance.  I don't really want you right now, Mummy, but I need to know I can have you if I do want you, sort of thing.  He does it loads and really cries if he can't have me for any reason, but then as soon as he's been picked up, he's wriggling to go down and get up to mischief and if I try and keep him with me, he'll have a proper little paddy.

I would be inclined to turn the hand thing, into a game with him.  Anything like that, which involves contact, can be quite positive.  All round sounds like he's a very needy little chap at the moment which I'm sure is incredibly tiring for you.  Cancelling the family visit and getting some good Mummy and Daddy time sounds like a good idea.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

Hi, things are much the same on the food front but I just wondered if anyone had any ideas on how to entertain your LO while making their supper. I used to let him watch baby einstein on the lap top but I'm not keen on him watching too much stuff. 

Now he sits on the floor next to me, hanging off my legs which makes cooking anything difficult and he starts panicking and crying if it takes longer than 5 min to make. I've tried to explain to him that good food takes time and that it needs to cool down too but he's too young really to totally understand this. If I leave the kitchen, he has a total melt down. I've tried giving him a bowl and a whisk etc to pretend play but he just throws it aside. Although he's 15 months old, I would say developmentally he is more 12 months. 

Sometimes I make his supper while he naps and then re-heat it at supper time but this isn't really solving the problem. No point giving him a carrot or healthy snack and he just guzzles it and demands more. How does everyone else out there with ever hungry kids keep then occupied while you prepare meals.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I found this really difficult in early days, and decided I was complicating stuff trying to do too much.  I got into the habit of prepping as much as possible during nap times, or the night before, even putting beans in a saucepan and then into the fridge.  We also moved one of his favourite toy boxes into the kitchen and he could select toys to put into it to busy himself with.  I couldn't involve him in cooking at that stage, as he tended to disrupt everything and anything (gosh, how he's changed!  At three, he now lays the table, helps me stir, helps me find things in the cupboard... wonderful!)

Other than that, I just don't know.  I found it very hard, because it was so hard to concentrate on what I was doing, so cooking took twice as long!

It does get better, though.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

I echo AoC, both DH and I just had to get better at joining forces and prepping as much as we could. Casseroles were great and making double portions and freezing one for next week just meant less nights where we got frazzled. After a few months he got better but bad days we were right back (and still can be). I picked up a fun pod (little helper) off eBay for £20 and he now stands in this and I give him bits to do of play with if I'm doing a lot or I let him play with the water in the sink as he loves water and I know he's safe next to me.

Next thing on my buy list is plastic fruit/veg that they can "cut" with a plastic knife so he can mirror mummy.

If your LO is still young then others have used LO sitting in high chair whilst they get stuff ready and they have a snack or something they can do messy play with. Again just close but you can get some food prepped.

X


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## Ally Wally (Mar 1, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. I will try some of those as anything longer than 5 min and he has a melt-down. I guess I just need to be patient and keep doing as much prep during nap time to reduce the waiting time for his supper, as i'm alone all day with him from 6.30am to 7.20pm as dh has to commute to work. 

today, while i was making his lunch, i tried to get him to play with some homemade lavender playdough...well, he took a huge piece and promptly ate it..it's disgusting...pure salt dough...but he still ate it... un-phased. amazing!


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