# How do you accept you will never concieve



## riley (Sep 22, 2008)

Hi
I've just found out that there is no way I will ever be able to carry a child.  

I feel so angry and am unable to stop thinking about it. I am constantly upset and feel I have no one to talk to. My husband is one of these people who just brushes everything under the carpet and so I am trying not to show how broken I am by this. He is also unable to father children so he does know how I feel but he has known for a while and has somehow managed to accept it. I however cannot.

We have explored every option and now know that if we ever have a child it will not be biologically ours.

I am fed up of thinking "why me?". Everyone else seems to be pregnant....Even those who openly admit they were not trying.

I have always been a positive person but I am absolutely destroyed by this news. 
Please help me cope with these feelings- I do not want to feel as jealous and angry as I do. 
Thanks for reading

Riley
x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello Riley,

I am sorry to hear how tough life is for you right now. If it helps, I think you will find from reading here that what you are feeling is normal. Anger and jealousy are a part of the grief we women all feel when our natural hopes to have a child of our own are dashed. It's important to let yourself have the space to grieve. 

Don't worry too much about you and DH being in different places just now. Not only has he had longer to come to terms with infertility, but men and women often face it differently. Personally I think part of it is that women want the actual pregnancy experience (that's why we feel especially jealous of pg women) whereas men don't focus on that for obvious reasons. What is important in your relationship is that you keep communicaring and caring for each other while accepting that diffferent perspectives don't mean you are incompatible.

I understand that you don't want to feel anger and jealousy,  such emotions are so alien when all we wanted was to express the love and tenderness of motherhood. There will come a time when you can let go of these feelings, just as long as eventually you make a choice to look forward and find a new way to express that love and tenderness. That is the toughest bit, to find a way forward and hold on to the love and tenderness. But it's not impossible. Just remember the fact that you are essentially a positive person, albeit one who has taken a huge blow and needs tme to heal and find her true self again.

I hope you may find a lot of support here.

Keep in touch, 

LoL Jq xxx


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## Natalie01 (Jun 10, 2007)

Hiya,

Just thought I would say welcome, I also saw your post in the newbie section.

You have definitely come to the right place.  It really helps that you have found us so soon after having found out.  The introduction into the 'world of infertility' is important, as it is so important to have a support network.  Jq is absolutely right, men and women do take the news very differently.  Not only because of the biological reasons that she mentions but from my observations society seems to treat infertile men and women very differently, not that it is easy being either!! For us women, it is society's expectation that we instantly become mothers or else we are failures and in every case it is our fault.  For guys there seems to be a ridicule that they are 'firing blanks and they aren't men'.....both are extremely cruel.

I also understand your situation that there are not many options, it is also not a good idea for me to have IVF either due to cardiac issues , likewise, these issues can also preclude me from adopting. However, over time I personally found that having that line drawn in the sand was a comfort.  It feels right for me to be here in this group, for me, after hearing the full impact that TS would have on my life, I don't think I would be strong enough to go through IVF or the adoption.  

Anyhow, you take care of yourself and your DH and keep communicating.

  

Nat xx


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## dhikki (Sep 5, 2005)

Dear Riley,

Sorry to hear your news Hun, the pain of infertility is just so awful. We do at least have the support of lovely people on FF.

I am lost right now and can honestly say have never been so low and depressed as i am right now. Have found myself in a bad place, even getting panic attacks now.

Keep reading and posting darling as there is always a friendly person here to help u through, and in turn we can help others.

Love Donna x


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## dhikki (Sep 5, 2005)

Dear Riley,

It does help to know there are people on here that really do understand the pain. When we are on here at least we know we are not alone...

So many wonderful people, and not one of us deserves this pain and heartache.

Love Donna x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Riley
So sorry to hear that you are having to face this. The only 'suggestion' I am going to put forward your way is to be extra specially gentle with yourself whilst you go through this enourmous grieving process - often others who aren't in our shoes don't realise that when we come to the end of the road the grief we feel for the life we thought we may have had one day with the hopes and dreams of a family of our own are something that are very, very real to us - yet we have nothing tangible to show for it. 
Just because we have nothing tangible to grieve over does not make our feelings any less worthy than anyone else - you have come to the right place hon to talk about how you are feeling and to explore those feelings too. Those that use this board will not judge you for it - myself included in that.
Much love to you, and to the other ladies who are going through a difficult time at the moment too
Emcee x


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