# I am sooooo sick of TTC over 40 but I can't let go....



## malteeza (Mar 23, 2005)

Hi ladies,

I'm 43, been trying to have a second baby for 7 years - 3 of them since I was 40.  I feel like howling at the moon...I hate this fricking TTC but I can't stop.  Why the flippin heck did my life turn out like this?  When I first started TTC, a milliion trillion years ago, I never ventured off any boards other than TTC or to dreamily look at antenatal club posts.

Fast forward 7 years and I now have 'earned the right' to visit the 'TTC over 40, TTC after loss, TTC after recurrent miscarriage, TTC with male factor, TTC with clomid,...blah blah blah.....

Anyone else having a bad day?

Malteeza x


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## madison (May 6, 2005)

Malteeza,


        Sorry you were having a bad day & hope you feel better today... I know how you 
        feel about not being able to stop... I had miles from my 4th icsi & had 2 more shortly
        before he was one.. That was it.. no fertilisation on the last 2 goes.. poor responce
        all 6 times, only 2 follies on one occcasion ( the one that worked tho   ) & he was
        the only one to fertilise.

        BUT... I just cant stop... its been almost a year since we decided enough is enough &
        now I am looking into doind it all again in January  

          Lots of luck to you

                  Katy. xxxxxxxxxxx


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

oh Malteeza  

Not only do i seem to have an ever-increased range of boards I can visit, but am also surely due an award for the amount of u-turns...

1. I'll never have medical intervention (aged late 30s, with 20 years of hospital visits looking after members of my family behind me, naively believing it would happen naturally)

2. I'll just give it 1 go at ivf and at least we'll know we gave it our best shot

3. I'll just give it a 2nd go at ivf (because the last one worked, but sadly not for long)

4. I'll just  give it a 3rd go at ivf (because again it worked but sadly not for long, and anyway, it takes an average woman 3 goes to get pg with ivf, never mind an old bid like me) but this time we'll have genetic testing so we'll know the score. Then we'll definitely stop.

5. I'll never have donor egg treatment (because it's too weird and, hey, a miracle will happen and we won't need it). All the way through really until...

6. Surprise surprise, downregging for donor egg tx.   Fingers crossed this might get me off at least SOME of the boards... 

Lighthearted really, but just to say i know the feeling well. Hope you are feeling better today xxx


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## malteeza (Mar 23, 2005)

Hi Ladies

Thanks for your lovely messages. I'm feeling a lot better today, although I think if my neighbours wouldn't complain, I really could do with howling at the moon to get it all out of my system!  

Oooh, I could so relate to everything you girls said about u-turns, 'just one more time', not buying vits/preseed etc in bulk, because 'we won't need it this time next month/year/decade! '

I caught myself looking at baby clothes in a aisle at ASDA yesterday and it struck me - do I look like some demented, 'past it' 'ole has-been, mooning over babygros?  Hmmmmm, that's not a question I want to answer this morning.

Anyway, thanks a million for your lovely messages and good luck to you both,

Love Malteeza xx


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## marinegirl (Aug 5, 2008)

hi malteeza - thought it might make u feel better to know that I am even older than you, 44, and still ttc.  I seem to fall in love with every baby I see and keep imagining the two embies inside me now are boy and girl twins.  Sometimes I imagine myself pushing a two seater pram!  I will not give up on my dream, if I can't have a baby with my own eggs then I will try DE.  Sending you lots of PMA vibes and baby dust.
marinegirl x


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## Sam1934 (Aug 4, 2008)

Hi

I just wanted to join this thread as I can sympathise with you all.  I've just had my 1st attempt with ICSI and didn't respond well. Got 2 follicles, 2 eggs, both fertislised much to the doctors surprise and both transferred.  Thought all this was a good omen as not expected to get that far but on Wednesday AF started and there was no turning back.  Feel absolutely devastated.

Our follow up consultation is on 31 October and by the time we're probably able to start again will be Dec/Jan by which time I will be 42.  Therefore have been thinking long and hard about DE but don't know if I'm giving up too soon with own eggs.  If I try again with own eggs and fail I'll kick myself for not going straight to the DE route.  Also money is a factor as this is so expensive there will be only so many times we can afford to try.  Has anyone else had to make this decision?  Was it also very hard to make?

Sam


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## Be Lucky (Mar 22, 2008)

Hi malteeza me been tryin for over 7 years and not trying 2 take away ur pain but havent had 1 child yet and i am 43.i had 1 mc though.sam i am in a similar position 2u and we hav decided 2 stop tryin with our own eggs and go down de route.mayb it mor difficult 2 consider that routei ifu had a child but i dont think it a lesser choice.i hav seen people try 9 or 10 times with their own eggs and no pregnancx.so they broke and brokenhearted as well.in a way lettin go of oe treatnent gives u sum freedom.luv 2 all.feel free 2 pm me sam berniex


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Malteeza - hope you're feeling better - howling at the moon sounds very therapeutic to me  

Hi, Sam, i'm so sorry to hear your sad news.   Take Care.

What a nightmare we find ourselves in. How many conversations have i had with myself questioning, 'why did i wait till i was past 40 to really think about ttc?' Where did my life go, i'm sure last year i was still in my twentys!  

But here i am on my 2ww after my first icsi, poor response, 3 follies, 2 eggs, 1 embryo (which believe me,  i am more than grateful for and thrilled to get to et  ). But as Malteeza says, each issue we encounter comes with a free invite to yet another board you can post in! Low morph, underactive thyroid, low amh, poor responder, the list goes on..... but it's the over 40's one that's probably the worst to gain access to   (no offence intended!) I have to face the hard fact that i am literally putting all my eggs in one basket as there aren't enough for 2 baskets!

I think that the choice of DE is probably the most difficult decision us old birds have to make, it's one of those 'having to face the music' moments where we have to admit we can't get what we want with what we've got. Personally, at the moment i'm totally against any thoughts of DE and dp says he's not willing to go down that road. I think if i had a sister i would feel differently if i could have her eggs, but the odds of my brothers donating me any eggs just ain't gonna happen, not in this lifetime anyway! But i'm realistic enough to know that if things don't go to plan, this is something i too must deal with as i will also soon be 42. 

Sue - good luck with your De tx! It's good to hear that you've made your decisions and i bet you can't wait, this may be your lucky cycle!   fingers crossed. Are you having the tx in this country or abroad?

Hang in there ladies, lets show the youngsters we can still give them a run for their money  

Take care and lots of luck x


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## Sam1934 (Aug 4, 2008)

Hi Girls

Moth - Good luck.  I really hope it works for you.

Malteezer - Hope you're feeling better.  I looked at the Next catalogue yesterday as thought I'd buy myself something nice to cheer me up but couldn't help having a little sneak at the maternitywear.  You're not alone.

Be Lucky - I think I could talk about OE v DE forever.  I'm currently drawing up a list of pros and cons to help DP and me to come to a decision.  Part of me just wants to go down the DE route as I feel there is more chance of success.  Can't believe how much it hurt when 1st cycle didn't work.  On the other hand feel as though I haven't really given it a chance as I see that many people have had 3 or 4 attempts or more before they got their BFP no matter what age they are.  Also unfortuantely money does come into it.  If we could afford it I would keep trying with own eggs for another year but have to be realistic and don't want to bankrupt us.  Also had always imagined having more than 1 child and using OE will not allow for this to happen.  (I know don't be greedy).  Don't want to wait much longer to have a child as I feel more aches and pains with each birthday.  We see our consultant for a follow up at the end of October so have plenty of time to drive myself insane. 

Also, if anyone has been through a failed cycle, is AF worse than usual?  I have really bad pains and haven't experinced such a heavy AF since I was in my 20's.  Thank god it's the weekend and I don't have to leave the house.

Sam


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Thanks Sam, i hope you don't drive yourself too mad making your decisions, i am sure you'll both do what's best for you, but yes, it's a shame that money has to come into the equation.

I've read that af following tx can be quite heavy and painful so maybe that's what it is. I hope af pains improve!

PS - i don't think you are being greedy wanting more than one child! It's just sad that we feel guilty about wanting more than one! With all the pain, drugs, stress, emotions and cost of tx, we should be blessed with more than one child for persistence (wouldn't that be great!)


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## Be Lucky (Mar 22, 2008)

Sam yes hav had a lot mor painful and heavy periods btwn my 3 ivf gos this year.and i had fibroid removed 4 yrs ago which had made my af lighter!also notice my af hav been closer 2gether.think that a sign of gettin older!i was down 2 go czech republic in april as so dear in uk but hav found sum possibly sum  less expensive options in ukmoney is an issue .hav spent 16k on unsuccessful treatment already.good luck moth it only take 1 egg and 2 sue and everyone else as well.berniex


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Thanks Bernie

Sorry to hear about your failed treatments, i know money isn't everything but it certainly limits our choices with ivf doesn't it.

So are you on another cycle at the moment?


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Bernie, have i really gone mad from my insomnia or is that a duplicate post


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

blimey there's a lot of us out there   

Sam - i know this is easy to say, but you will KNOW when it's the right time to move to DE, and suspect you do need to try again with your own eggs. We kept trying long after it was sensible really, but just needed to know we'd tried everything. Tho like you finance were/are a big issue. DP particularly stresses about it (being that bit older i guess). This tx really is the end of the road for us (tho i will admit i've said that a number of times before...  )

For us, after we'd had genetic testing and all embryos were abnormal, we'd mentally moved onto adoption. DP was keen (as was I) and we got in touch with a few agencies - sadly due to our age the general consensus was that we'd get a child of 4+ (unless we were prepared to go the route of fostering first, and i really couldn't face the potential for loss again...). And much as I hate to admit it, we really didn't feel ready for that (i feel awful even typing that  ). ANYWAY, once we'd made the leap to adoption, the move back to DE wasn't that hard. I'm still grieving (majorly) for the loss of my own genetic child, but am excited to be doing a treatment with a much higher chance of success. I also suspect that if i'm ever lucky enough to hold that baby in my arms, the last thing on my mind will be whether or not it was my egg or not - i hope there will come a day when I will be glad all this happened, as it led to this particular child that i love so much...   

Tx is in the UK (a year's wait sadly, but we wanted to be honest with any child, and wanted them to be able to trace their donor if it mattered to them when older). My DP was also really opposed to DE when it was first mentioned (and still gets upset if we talk in too much detail about the donor...) but has come around, and is even starting to sound excited...   . 

enough, should be working, but distracted by y'all...   

Moth - you've not really gone mad


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## Be Lucky (Mar 22, 2008)

No post a lot on internet on mobile and hard 2 tell when u press button twice!no moth must update my profile..decided not 2 go 2 create as such a low chance of success.sue-sure i will get mixed u up with sam!wher ru on the waitin list for de?how old ur dp?my dh 47.take care berniex


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Bernie, i can barely text, let alone e-mail posts from my mobile!  

Sue, sounds like you have had quite a journey and i can completely understand where you're coming from and how you're happy to be where you are now.  I agree that after giving birth to a child, it seems hard to imagine you'll even consider the origin of the egg!

Take care x


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

Bernie - that's positively teenage of you   i'm still working out how to send a photo from my phone  

tx underway at the moment (been downregging nearly 5 weeks) - we went on the list about a year ago (Care Northants - hell of a drive from Devon where we live but not as far as abroad i guess  ). DP 57    I've said to him we're going to have to approach this with some humour as people WILL assume he's the grandad (  ). I'm planning on making a t-shirt for him which says "I'm not the grandad, i'm the DAD". He's a very young, fit 50s, but know it's got harder and harder for him as the years have gone on (he worries he'll be an embarrassment to any child  ).

Moth - find it very hard to really imagine getting as far as the giving birth thing (in fact i've just sorted out myself some rescue battery chickens to take my mind off things when it doesn't work). So much for PMA...  

xxx


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## Be Lucky (Mar 22, 2008)

Sue sorry if this sounds thick but is this care northants the same as care northampton?they quoted me 4 2 6 mths waitin list when they rang me bk the other day.tell ur dp not 2 worry.my dad was 43 when i was born but always look older and ppl always thought he was my grandad.!things r different now.a ex colleague of mine had a 2nd family at bout ur dps age.and he great.goin round town on his motorbike.he bout 63 and his partner bout 45.has ur dp got children already.david had grandchildren as well.


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

hi bernie - yeah, care  northants same as northampton   We were cmv negative (not good as it means a longer wait). In the end we took a cmv pos donor (as did all the research and am happy with our decision, especially as we got an altruistic donor ) - but it probaby did add to our wait. Much as i like them there, i think i would assume a bit longer than 6 months (for your own sanity) if you decide to go there. I wanted to use Care as i know they take the immunes stuff seriously (and i have a thyroid problem, which has probably nothing to do with the miscarriages, but wanted to cover all bases....) Thx for your sweet comments about  old dads. DP has spent all his adult life in the sun (walking, climbing, sailing blah blah) and has never heard of sunscreen so know what you mean about looking older    I think it's fine if people think he's the grandad (most of his mates are granddads now  ) - we just have to learn to be cool about it i think. No kids of his own - he's always wanted them but his ex didn't   I won't tell him about the motorbike as he's angling to get a new one after writing his off 6 months ago (along with his shoulder in 2 different places   )


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## marinegirl (Aug 5, 2008)

Sue - we are 44 and 50 and "not bothered".

Moth - when are you testing? 25th for me. 

marinegirl x


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## Be Lucky (Mar 22, 2008)

Sue/Marine

I didn't feel that old till I went to a University open day a couple of weeks ago and the parrents didn't look much older than me with big "grown-up" children!

Remember as a child feeling a bit bothered cause other nasty kids said my parents were old,

They weren't old only 38 and 43 when I was born but just seemed old.  Perhaps people did more then.  Cause I feel about 21!

Sue what are the risks with a cmv - and cmv + donor?  Do the clinic ask you to sigh a disclaimer.

I had never heard of CMV till I saw info on CARE a week ago and looked up on FF for information - Clinics should explain it on their website!

So be prepared for about a year wait Sue then - what was the final cost?

Have my name down for Reprofit in CZ in April next year.  Cost put me off lister - 8K.

But would rather go here as would prefer to have counselling and Donor info for possible child l8r.

Nothampton not that far for us really.

Where are you in treatment Sue at mo?  Sorry for all the questions?

Marine - you get around like me!  I have seen you on aoubt 4 threads today!

Off work for a week now on hols - go Jersey Thursday.

Yippee

Bernie


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Bernie, have a fab hol in Jersey. Don't drink too much eh!  

Marinegirl, not long now - my otd is Oct 1st.

Hi Sue, Sam and malteeza, hope you're all doing ok.

xx


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## marinegirl (Aug 5, 2008)

Bernie - yes I am a FF addict, how long have you been on the site?  Luckily I spent the last 7 hours by the sea and that helped me forget that the day after tomorrow I am due to test.  I do not have any pee stick as away from home so that makes it impossible to test early...

Sue - I also have friends who are around 60 and 43 with 2 beautiful little girls aged 2 and 3 - he has grown up kids.  I do not think they ever regretted it and it certainly keeps them young.  Men in particular have been having second families for centuries.  I think it is great that technology has allowed women to also have a chance.  I know a couple of women who have had DE at 48 and it worked for them.

marinegirl x


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## Be Lucky (Mar 22, 2008)

Marine bout 9 mths i guess but it seems like longer!only 2 sleeps 2 go till u test.hope it happen foru.know a 47 who conceived with own egg with ivf.nite all berniex


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## sue93 (Jun 14, 2006)

hi gals - 

bernie - i reckon the total (including icsi, tho we may get that refunded...) has turned out to be about 6k (including the drugs and charge to be on the waiting list). Getting the icsi refund will save us about £800. CMV is a bit of a minefield tbh - most clinics abroad don't worry about it with donor egg (tho they do with donor sperm as the general consensus seems to be that the sperm could infect the recipient, whereas the process involved in getting the egg and transfering the embryo would make it unlikely in the extreme). The basic principle is that CMV is a very bad thing to get if you are pregnant so the less exposure to the virus in any form the better. However most people in the UK are cmv pos (which is a b*gger if you are cmv neg like both of us are) - and since the waiting lists increased there seems to be a general move towards allowing cmv pos transfers into neg recips. Do you know i don't recall signing anything, tho i expected to. I'm 5 weeks into downregging and the donor is just starting stimms (i think) so about 2-3 weeks to ET (if we are lucky). 

Marinegirl - really good luck for tomorrow, fingers crossed for you. let us know how you get on.

Moth - when are you due to test, good luck to you too. 

Sam -  hope you are doing ok.

Sue xx


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## Moth (Apr 17, 2008)

Hi Sue

Thanks - Oct 1st for otd, another week to go! Good luck with your treatment. Not long and you'll be on your 2ww!!  

xx


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## Be Lucky (Mar 22, 2008)

Hi sue hav been tryin 2 trace u.hope u okjust 2 let u know we went 2 care in northampton for consultation las week.impressed.goin 2 meet counsellor on thur.berniex


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