# needing a shoulder to cry on



## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Hi ladies,
I've been lurking for months and keeping up with all your journeys. I stopped posting a while back as I just thought I needed to stop obsessing, but really need to reach out just now. This is all sending me quite literally around the bend. I cried myself silently to sleep last night, my poor Dh left for work in fowl temper this morning as he doesn't have a clue whats wrong with me. I knew I was fertile yesterday and DH was knackered after work and not up for any BMS, I just lost the ability to be rational and ended up in a mess. The thought of spending another 2 weeks hoping against the odds that I might be pregnant (whilst knowing fine fecking rightly that I'm not) is just breaking my heart.
This is just all so hard...
Also fed up of the NHS and it's cock ups... I know some of you know more than others what I'm talking about.. we too were 'forgotten' untill I phoned up to chase appointment letters. 
x
d


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## mmcm (Aug 12, 2010)

duckybun

i want to reach out and give u a bg hug, this journey is so difficult and believe me everyone feels the same, somepeople just deal with the situation different than others.it is such an emtional rollercoster, from start to finish, through the tears, many highs and lows, but unfortunately we just have to put them in a little packpack and carry on.

You have to be hopeful and positive throughout this journey, whatever the path we have to follow the road, sometimes might not be the way we intented but believe me there is happiness at the end, i to cried endlessly and believe me it doesnt make me feel any better and end up fighting with the hubby, it really is as bad for them, believe me no matter how bad it gets a problem shared is a problem halved, dont be alone.... PM me any time sweetie, xx take care


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## Boo333 (Aug 22, 2011)

Hi Duckybun
I just wanted to say sorry you are so low at the moment.  This journey really is a rollercoaster.  I also stopped posting a while back to take a break emotionally.

Its tough on your relationship I know its easy to say but like mmcm says you have to be open with DH.  Last month I found myself putting to much pressure on DH to perform on demand (if you know what I mean). And had to just say forget about it for today and we will try tomorrow.  
I totally get what you are saying about NHS I've had issues too and it just makes the whole thing 100 times worse.

Hope you are feeling better today.

Big Hugs
Boo


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## Boo333 (Aug 22, 2011)

sorry also meant to say I started acupuncture in March and found it great help with stress and emotions.  Could you try it? or maybe reflexology if you don't fancy the needles?

Boo


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Dear mmcm and Boo,
thank you so much for your kind words of support. It really does make all the difference that you understand what we're going through. I had a good old cry on the sofa on Friday night with DH and bless him he'd do anything to help so we've discussed it and we're going to go private and try to get things rolling. It's just the not knowing what's going on and waiting for the NHS to give us any information just seems to me like we're slowly pulling our own teeth out. It's been 7 months since our last appointment at the RFC, we still don't have any results from the SA and I don't know anything about my progesterone levels. I'm just so frustrated, like I said to DH on Friday (through the blubbering and unattractive sniffing) at least if I knew there was a specific thing that meant we had to get treatment to get pregnant then I wouldn't get me hopes up so much every month and then be crushed when AF arrives, but on the NHS we aren't even being told that much. So Origin it is...

I honestly can't thank you both enough for reaching out. It's taken me a couple of days to level out enough to be able to post back to you, please don't think it didn't mean the world to me when you both reached out xx

Boo, I have thought about acupuncture, just never seem to have the time at the minute to research it though! There's a clinic quite close by to us that apparently specialise in fertility treatment so I might just take the plunge and go ahead and make an appointment. If it helps even a little then it's worth it. Where are you going to get it if you don't mind me asking?

Too everyone else who's read this post, apologies for the downer! But like mmcm says a problem shared IS a problem halved and I'm feeling much rosier now .. still gutted that we even have to have these conversations ... but at least I've talked to DH and he's a rock.


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## Boo333 (Aug 22, 2011)

Hi Duckybun

I am glad you've spoke to DH and are feeling much better.  I always think when you are able to make a decision to do something you feel like you are getting somewhere or you at least have a bit of control.  Its really hard when you are waiting on Dr's and relying on them giving you information.  You really have to keep hounding them.  It's ridiculous that people like us have to resort to paying for treatment just to get what we should for free.  I really know how you feel.  I have been going to local hosptial for 3 years and eventually had to go to my GP to get referred to Royal, don't think the hosptial would have ever referred me on every time I went it was just 'come back and see us in 6 months'. (That's my wee rant over)  

I get acupunture done with a Chinese man in Coleraine because that's where I live.  But there are definitely other posts on here from girls who went to different clinics.  He's really clued up on fertility treatments and even tracks my cycle and gives me dates for BMS.

Good luck with going private at least you will get more satisfaction that way.

Keep us posted on your progress.

Boo
xxx


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## mmcm (Aug 12, 2010)

Have to pray our miracles are coming.... Stay positive xx


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

Duckybun you sounded just like I used to be  
Angry cos DH wasn't up for it when he needed to be   I used to cry myself to sleep sometimes he didn't know but I didnt want the 'its ovulation time' pressure.

I've just compaeted my first IVF (ICSI) round and Im glad I made the decision to admit things weren't working and start looking for solutions xx
I Know how hard it is xxx

Get that ball rolling.. you'll feel 100 times better! xx good luck to you sweetheart xxx


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Staceyemma,

ta hon, and all the best for the 31st! 

x


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## staceyemma (Jul 30, 2011)

thank you! I'm very nervous!!! xx


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## prommer (Jul 22, 2011)

Dear Ladies - Duckybun, Staceyemma, mmcm and Boo333 - wow, hope I've got you all in!!

I just wanted to give you all a big hug and wish you all the luck in the world at becoming Mums      I remember the frustration waiting for rubbish NHS treatment - Queen Marys Roehampton - absolutely horrendous care!  But I also remember the excitement and trying my best to be as lucky as all the other normal Mums, walking around looking blooming wonderful with their 4x4 prams!! Sorry, just a little green monster rising up in me  

Sadly I am one of the `moving on' ladies.  It's soooo hard to close the door on such hope for my future, but you have to continue living and loving otherwise it means that not being a mother makes my life useless and pointless and I know that I and DH have tried so hard and deserve to finally be happy with what we have - each other.  

Good luck to you all    
Prommer xxx


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

hey Prommer,

Thanks for the hugs hon. 

Its the unknown that's the hard part and I think that as long as you know you've tried everything you can bear to, and got the answers that you needed, then making the decision to move on can be a positive one. I've said to DH so many times that if I knew I couldn't get pregnant, for what ever reason, then I wouldn't have to deal with trying not to build my hopes up every month just to feel so crushed every time AF rears her ugly head! You're absolutely right that there are other things in our lives which are valuable and we are all so very lucky to have those things, whether they be partners, friends or relatives.. even work. We just need to not loose sight of the fact that it's not just becoming a mother that will give us a sense of self worth or achievement. Any child born to a mother who validates themselves on their child's existence is putting a hell of alot of pressure on a young person growing up anyway, and I hope I, if am lucky enough to be blessed with a child, they will be able to be proud of the parents who brought them up for other reasons than the fact they gave them life.

Sounds like you and DH have been through alot together and if you've made it this far, through so much, you definitely deserve to happy. Much love you to
x
d


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