# Facing a childless future, now having panic attacks?



## dhikki

Dear all,

I haven't posted for ages but have been reading from a far!

Can anyone tell me if they have suffered with panic/ anxiety attacks from there sadness of never having a child?

I have been so very sad this year as we have decided that is it for us in our dream to be parents, i am so sad and i feel like i am falling apart! I am falling apart can't be like this forever- how do i get myself out of this awful place?

PLEASE someone help me??

xx


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## Natalie01

Hi there,

I didn't want to read and run.  

When I found out it was 'game over' 11 years ago I was escorted out of a consultants waiting room, in public, in tears.  It is an emotional roller coaster.  The psychological effects of this (as I'm sure many of our gang know) last a long time.  I don't want to sound blunt but I would rather be honest the reason being, if I had spoken to somebody when it was my turn it could have prevented many years of psychological suffering I faced.  I spent three years on anti-depressants, I even went through starve/binge cycles, I guess because I was so unhappy with my body.

Even today I have anxious moments, and those weepy ones, where I struggle to socialise.  What I am trying to say is, without trying to focus on myself too much, is that you are grieving and it is normal for you to do that. However, if these panic attacks really start to infringe on your life, it may be a good idea to speak to your GP, as to be honest, you don't deserve to have your life infringed upon even more than it already has been. The pain of infertility is only understood by those of us who live through it every day, if your current GP isn't understanding then they aren't good enough for you. I certainly changed my healthcare 'professionals' like my undies (rather regularly!!) due to poor service that I paid for in my taxes!!

Good luck and keep strong, (From one Norfolk lass to another!!)  

Nat xx


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## dhikki

Dear Nat,

Thank you for your reply, infertility is such a hard thing to go through and cope with. Thank god for this site!

Where abouts in norfolk are you hun? I'm just outside of Norwich!

Love Donna x


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## Natalie01

Hiya,
I hope you're feeling chirpier this evening.  I find a large glass of wine and a long bubblebath (with an optional bar of choccie) helps!! 
I lived in Wymondham for 10 years, ahh happy days.  And that accent!!  I do miss it!! I'm in London now.  Mind you I visited about a month ago and Norwich has changed sooooo much.  Theres a whole new section by the station.  There looks as if there are some good shoe buying opportunities!!!!!

Nat xx


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## jq

Dear Dhikki,

Nat is right, facing that we will not have a child is a form of grief, and you have to be gentle on yourself while you work through it.

I don't remember panic attacks, but I was definitely stressed and depressed. I had problems sleeping and felt a lot of anger. I went on too long like that and made some stupid mistakes cos I wasn't truly thinking straight about what I wanted from life. Oh, I was fine at work, but not in myself. It would probably have done me good to get some counselling to help me find my way forward. But I struggled on alone (no FF then either!)  I'd had some poor counselling during final IVF treatment that put me off for a start. The GP said the NHS counselling waiting list was long and offered me antidepressants (I turned them down and said I wouldn't bother going on the waiting list.) And finally I resented having to pay for counselling after shelling out on IVF. That last reason now seems so silly, but I guess at the time I did not care enough about myself to look after myself, I was spending money on ****!  

If a little bit of time, relaxation and TLC doesn't help and if the panic attacks continue, maybe you should consider counselling to help you to look at why you are panicing and learn to deal with it. 

Good luck and stay in touch,

Jq xxx


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## FS

Dhikki,

Sorry about your news and the way you're feeling.  Panic attacks are scary.  I've had one or two.  There are a couple of ways to TRY to deal with them.  You must tell your doctor - he might prescribe you something like a quick-fix (eg like diazepam - but not diazepam 'cos I think they've stopped prescribing it in this country).  I suspect the more likely scenario is that he'll tell you to go for a slightly longer term thing, ie anti-depressants - apparently they work well with panic attacks.  You could also try something like meditation.  I've started going to classes.  Frankly, it's difficult to concentrate on meditation, especially in real life, once the class is over.  But it's good for the hour a week that I do manage to give it a go.  

It's normal to be angry, and to want to cry all the time.  IF is a gut-wrenching and cruel punishment.  We do understand, and you're not alone, even though I know we all feel alone with our personal stories.  

love,

FS


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## dhikki

Hi all,

Dear FS- I have been to my gp hun, who i have to say was very good. She doesn't want to put me on anything yet a while- she said to pace myself and give myself time. I have to go back and see her on 29th sept for another chat. I do cry all the time, so much so that it is getting on my own nerves ifthat makes any sense? 

Dear JQ- I have had problems sleeping, takes me so long to get to sleep then my sleep is restless and i wake up loads through the night- but come the morning i don't want to get up! Would you know how i go about counselling? I haven't any since before the IVF treatment started and that was 6 years ago now.


Feeling lonely today- but i must try harder than i did yesterday. My hubby won't be in tonight until atleast 9pm as he has an evening meeting. I will make myself go out today even if it is only out for an hour with my dogs!!

Love Donna x


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## Francie

Hi Dhikki

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I don't have much advice on dealing with the sadness of childlessness. This is all very new for me too as our last IVF ended in disaster a few weeks ago. What I'm trying to do is to live each day as it comes, not thinking to much about the future now.  And I'm trying to let myself feel the emotions as they come - anger, sadness, grief.  

Having anxiety and panic attacks is something I understand.  I haven't had them recently (though I do sometimes feel anxious about what the future holds) but many years ago I went through a stage of getting them alot.  Exactly as you say, I felt like I was falling apart.  I couldn't sleep or eat or concentrate on anything. And of course, the more worried you are about having an attack the more likely you are to bring one on. A real vicious circle. I was so desperate.  BUT the good news is they do pass and there are things you can do to help.  

I found the most useful thing was to understand was happening to my body when I had a panic attack. Your body thinks it is presented with a danger so gets ready to do something about it - the "fight or flight" response. It starts pumping out adrenaline, breathing faster, your senses become more much aware and your heart beats faster to get more blood to your muscles. All of this would be very helpful if you really did need to run from or fight a lion but it's a very frightening feeling if you don't know what's happening (I kept thinking I was having a heart attack).  When I realised it was a physical proccess that would pass by itself and was not dangerous, I relaxed a bit and stopped being so scared of the attacks. The other thing that really helped was breathing very deeply and slowly into my stomach if I felt the anxiety building up and repeating to myself "it doesn't matter if I get a panic attack, it will pass in a few minutes, I will be ok".  Also having people around who understood and could talk if I felt an attack coming helped. Maybe you can explain to your husband and ask him to do this. 

As some of the others have said, do go to your GP.  I was very lucky at this time because I had a great GP. She signed me off work for some weeks (I really needed them). And I got prescribed a short course of diazapam, exactly as FS said. I only took it for about 5 days to help break the cycle of the panic attacks and it did help. 

Dhikki, you are not falling apart! Panic attacks are so exhausting and so terrifying, I know they make you think you are. But you are not.  You are a very strong, brave lady!  You will get through this.  The sadness of childless is so huge and endless, as we here all know.  But once you break the cycle of anxiety and panic attacks, I really do think this sadness will feel less terrifying. 


xxxxx


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## dhikki

Dear Francie,

Thank you for lovely post. I think the sadness of dealing with a childless future is something that none of us can really give advice on as it will affect everyone so differently.... I am so sorry that you last treatment went wrong. I understand the heartache of another failed treatment cycle and i am sorry for you Hun. Your right you just have to take each new day as it comes, even though some of those days are so hard. I'm always here for you.

Thank you for your advice about my panic attacks i am sure over the next few weeks it will help me. I made myself go out today, i popped to my cousin for a coffee, i felt awful inside but i did it. Only stopped an hour so i felt i could deal with that.

My life truly is upside down at the minute, i am not getting on so well with my mum, and just feel useless and a waste of space. The only thing i feel i am getting right in my life just now is my love for my husband, i adore him and him me- thankfully! But even that is a double edge sword because i feel so heartbroken that i cannot bear his child, he would be the best father, and it is all my fault that he too faces a future without children....

The sadness i feel is so awful and feels so endless...

Thank you all for your support it really means so much xx


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## jq

Hi Donna,

I thought Francie's advice on dealing with panic attacks was really brilliant and hope it will help you.

I am glad your GP sounds good, suggesting you take a bit of time but not leavng it too long sounds good. If you are interested in counselling than asking the GP for a referral or local contacts would be a good start. Otherwise it willl be a case of looking locally for yourself. Lots of private practice counsellers will have a website, so you can startby googling counselling and the name of your town/county. Check people's qualifications - you need somebody who has had proper training and not somebody who has done some 6 week correspondance course! Look for people with BACP or UKCP accreditation. I think this site could be useful 
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/profquals.html  Many counsellors will offer you a free meeting to see if you feel you can work together. Try and find people who work like that and remember that you will be paying, so you have the right to decide what suits you.

As for the sleeping, I tried the usual relaxation techniques (again a google search could help and save you spending money on self help books or magazines with articles on sleep.) They worked for a while, but eventually were not enough. I found that putting the radio on to a talk channel helped! Music was not enough to relax me as the thoughts still whirred round, but an interesting story or news article made me listen and stop thinking, but cos I was tired I could not concentrate long and fell asleep! (Need earplugs or a tolerant DH for this!) But what really worked was very individual and you would need your own version! I imagined Nigel Slater, my favourite cookery writer, was coming to dinner and I had to invent a suitable menu! I gave myself rules such as not to do one of his recipes (no point!) but it had to have ingredients I knew he liked, plus it had to be seasonal (so the "trick" worked through the year!) I sometimes managed to think of a starter and began ideas for the main course but soon fell asleep - never got to pud!!! I think what made this work was that it was interesting enough to cut through my stressful thoughts and pleasurable as it was something I am interested in. If dear old Nige was really coming to dinner I would have been totally stressed out, but it was great as a fantasy because I could imagine everything being perfect and him asking me to help with his next book!!! I am telling you all this cos I think that if there is any fantasy project at all that could help you relax, give it a try! (Obviously not something that would upset you like having a ....) I still use this idea now if I have a sleepless night, and it still works! (Plus I give great dinner parties!)

I am so glad to hear that you and DH have such a great relationship. If it is any consolation try to remember that lots of people with kids have crap marriages and even that getting through IF together can even make a relationship stronger than ever.

Well done for making the huge effort to go see your cousin - small steps at a time are just right for you now.

I hope you are feeling OK today and am glad to see that you are getting some support from lovely people like Francie and Nat.

LoL,

Jq xxx


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## dhikki

You are all so lovely and are giving me the support i so need!

Hubby is just in so must dash- but will reply tomorrow!

Thank you JQ from my heart thank you.

Love to all speak tomorrow xx


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## meerkatz

Dear Dhikiki

I remember you from a reply to a post of mine way back in December last year, I found your comment very supportive, Im so sorry that you are feeling so low . How are you feeling today?  My heart goes out to you  the girls on the thread have given you some wonderful advice and Im not sure what else I can add.  Im one year down the line from my last final treatment, I remember at that time not wanting to leave the house, finding it difficult to sleep, eat and crying a lot of the time, I used to get really anxious at the prospect of being faced by families, children, pg women particularly in places like shopping centres and supermarkets to the extent that I avoided going outdoors at weekends (went to work weekdays, would put on a brave face then come the weekend hibernate );a year on and I can say that although Im feeling less anxious and depressed, my bad days can at times take me back to the some of the emotions of the early days after that final treatment.  I remember one of the ways I tried to reduce my anxiety during that time was thinking about the sea (this may sound mad), the sound of the sea has a very calming influence over me (I used to live by the sea so maybe partly the reason)   Also a good counsellor is really invaluable and certainly has helped me to work through some of my emotions.  As JQ has advised, make sure the counsellor is registered with a professional body as there are a lot of rogues out there who are not qualified in the area.  Im fortunate that I receive my counselling through the NHS but I realise not everyone is as fortunate 

Please continue posting, its therapeutic in itself and the girls on the thread give such good advice

Take care

Love
Meerkatz xx


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## Myownangel

Dear Dhikki, 
I can't add anything to what the others have said - except that my sister gets panic attacks and has found help with an organisation called No Panic (http://www.nopanic.org.uk/) They have a free phone line where you can talk to someone who knows about it and they also offer self-hypnosis tapes you can listen to that help you cope when an attack comes along.
Don't feel isolated with this - it's very common. Our bodies deal with stress in different ways. It's just a response to stress. If you can get the time to spend 1/2 an hour relaxing once a day I think that would help. 
Bernie xxx

Please note this post contains an unconfirmed link and readers are reminded that fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## jq

Hello again Donna,

I was touched by your warm thanks, so thank you!  

I see you have had a good lead from our Bernie about the "No panic" website. Isn't this board such a mine of useful information as well as so supportive?

I loved hearing about how thinking of the sea relaxes Meercatz! And no, Meercatz, it did not sound mad - the sound of surf is very relaxing and i think you can even get tapes of it. I know that in "visualisations" where people are encouraged to "see" themselves ina relaxing place very many people "go" to a beach!

Love. Jq xxx


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## Francie

Hi Donna 

I just wanted to check on how you are doing.  I hope the follow up with your GP went well and that the panic attacks have eased up a bit. 

Thanks for your lovely response to my post.  I totally understand your feelings of failure because you can't give your DH a child.  I think we all do here.  When I talk to mine about this he says he would rather have me and no children than anyone else with kids. And I'm trying really hard to believe him because I know that he deserves my trust.  As you say, you and your DH adore each other. That's so important. He loves you for you and all you have shared together.  At least we'll always know we didn't "stay together for the kids". 

Let us know how you're doing when you get a minute.  Thinking of you...

xxxx


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## dhikki

HELLO TO ALL YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE,


I have given ff a wide birth for a few months while i have been trying to come to terms with the end of our child dreams. I have popped by now and then to have look about but haven't posted, as all my posts have been so gloomy!!

I am feeling a little stronger now. My panic attacks have stopped. I have sadly gone back to smoking but am takings things a day at a time. It still hurts like mad, but i am trying to look to the future.

I have a new baby in my life who is helping me daily even though he is unaware of his help   He is a 7 month old foal who i now own, and have named him Elliott. He is adorable and was born at the stables where i keep my horses. So i have known him since he was born on the 21st may! He is my fertility baby, was going to call him Bart as i have had all my treatment at st Bart's but hate the name ha ha lol  

He is a reason to be up early every morning and gives me something to focus on. It is just like having a baby as he needs everything doing for him and always will.

Will try to get on and chat to you all over the next few weeks.

Love to everyone Donna xx


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## jq

Hi Donna,

It was great to get an email to say there was a new post on FF on a topic I had contributed to, as like you I have not been around for some time. I will try and send a new post to all my friends here soon!

I was so pleased to read about you having "Bart" (let us know what you eventally name him!) and how he is helping you to move on. I guess you have seen my picture - I have a "fertility foal" too! She is now a young horse though! I can certianly say that she was a big part of giving me reasons to look to the future. (She actually hasn't been easy, but I can feel proud of overcoming the challenges!) Her mum saw me through the TX years and she has seen me move on from that time. I could look forward to seeng my little horse grow and to backing her, riding out and starting to compete.  I am sure your boy will do the same for you. Horses are such special companions.

I am so glad that you are feeling better than you did when you wrote of your panic attacks. It is really inspirational to hear that things do gradually get better and it is very sharing of you to give us an example of how this can happen. I hope life will continue to bring you more good things. 

Love jq xxx


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## dhikki

Dear JQ,

Hello sweetheart, thank you for your post! And yes i saw your pic of your lovely Horses! Your right they really are a joy!

My little one is doing really well, he has been named Elliott. I love the name and if ever my dream had come true i would have called a human son Elliott. 

Elliott is a holstien x irish sports horse who should finnish up around the 16. 3 mark. He is dark bay. His mum lives at the stables where i keep him, so it's lovely that i can keep his first human mum up to date on his progress. He is just the sweeest little person and my goodness don't know what i would do without him! 

I also have another baby in my life, hahaha his name is Lenny he is a 3 month old rottie x mastiff puppy! So i'm speanding my days running after a baby at the stables then running round after a baby when i am at home! But i wouldn't have it any other way.

My hubby and i are so much closer, last year was very hard, but looking on the bright side it makes you realise what you do have and we are a family even if the children have fur!!!

How are you sweetheart? 

Loads of love Donna x


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## jq

Hi Donna,

I am OK but I am soooo jealous of you having a puppy! I would love to have a dog, I wanted one even before I wanted a baby! Never had a dog as working full time means we can't give a dog the attention he or she would need. In that way horses are a bit easier as so long as you can see to them at the beginning and end of the day they are happy without you in the field with their friends!

I am pleased to hear how close you are to your hubby. Me and my DH have a wonderfull relationship too, but a while after giving up on having a family we separated. Now so happpily back together we need to sell our seperate homes to make a new one! Once we get rid of one mortgage I can give up on the daily grind and get a dog! We would like to give a home to a greyhound rescued from the tracks. Just wish the economy was on our side and houses were selling!

Love to you and carrots for Elliott!

Jq xxx


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## dhikki

Hi Jq,

So glad you and hubby are back together.  

As for the dog and leaving him or her all day while you are at work the easy answer would be get two! Company for eachother when your not at home!! Hehehe No your right makes sense to wait.

I have 6 dogs, Lenny is the latest.

I have always wanted to rescue a greyhound, but i hve always had small animals i.e parrots and mice and hamsters. It has always worried me with a greyhound and small fluffies. Getting a puppy would be ok but then would defeat the object of rescuing one. But when i don't have any small fluffies i will give one a home with out doubt! They are such lovely dogs.

Hope your having a lovely weekend,

Donna x


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## jq

Hi Donna,

Two dogs! Now there's a thought! But it could really intimidate our cat (currently living at DH's house) when we set up a joint home and that would be awful as she was a stray who came into our lives when we were just over TTC. She was very shy and it has taken years for her to totally relax on our laps! So I think you are right, best wait till I can be at home more and make sure our eventual dog does not drive Tallulah out to seek a new home!

Oh and you have a parrot! I would like to have a parrot but my fantasy about going around like Long John Silver with one on my shoulder all day is probably daft! It would get a bit cold up at the stables and I guess it would not go down too well at work meetings! I can just about leave the horses at the farm when I go to work, but little fluffies would make me want to stay at home all the rest of the day! I am such a softie for cuties! I sneak food to the farm cat behind the farmers back - he thinks that she won't bother to cach mice and rats if she gets fed. Little does he know! I give her a cuddle whenever I can (she comes to find me when it's quiet.) I think I will steal her away when DH and I get a new house as she clearly would like to be cuddled more. (My house is by the main road and she could get run over here.)

Had a lesson on Florin today with my regular instructor and it went brilliantly! Just as well as it has set me up for a special lesson tomorrow with a showjumper - I would be feeling a bit nervous if today had not gone so well! Florin loves to jump and gets a bit over enthusiastic and so I need a very deep seat!

Hope you are also having fun this weekend! 

Love Jq xxx


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## dhikki

Having a bad day today, feeling really low. Everyone i talk too seems to be pregnant or knows someone who is!

My supervisor is expecting her 6 granchild anyday now and it is getting so hard to hear of her plans and excitement.

Am i bad to be jealous? i feel so awful but i want to scream or cry don't know what will come first xx


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## Bambam

Hi Donna

Sorry you're having a real low day today     Don't ever feel bad for feeling jealous either, it's so natural    The IF healing process is such a hard and painful road to go down but the bad days do become less and less frequent I promise. Having read back through the thread you have been doing brilliantly and come such a long way already   

Amanda xx


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## jq

Hi Donna,

You are neither bad nor alone to feel jealous, it affects everyone I know whose fertility dreams have not come true. But Amanda is right, it does get easier with time, you just have to be kind on yourself and take it one day at a time like you said you were doing withthe smoking. 

I hope you ar feeling a bit better today and maybe ha some fun in the snow. DH and I couldn't get to work and had a snowball fight.

Stay in touch,

Jq xxx


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## albi

Hi Donna and JQ

I have just been reading back through your posts, as I have been off here for a while too. Altough it's not nice reading about each others pain it is comforting in a way to know that you are not alone, and how it effects us and close relationships.

My DH and I went through a really bad patch before Christmas, but seem to be in a better space now. JQ so pleased you and your hubby are working things out, you sent me some really kind posts some time ago when I was on here.

Donna I too suffered panic attacks, I have sought counselling and had anti-depressants for a while. Things are better. I started smoking after my ectopic, then gave up again when I went through treatment. Now on chocolate and cake fix as don't really want to smoke again!

Don't be hard on yourself you'll give up again in time. Sometimes it's enough just to get through a day.

Sorry if this sounds a bit rushed but need to go but just wanted to say hi.

I loved you talking about your horses and dogs. I got another after my failed treatment. We now have 2 JRT's that are my reason for getting up in the morning. Enjoy your foals..

Take care Love Alison  x x x


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## jq

Good to hear from you again, Alison. I don't come here much now. It's ages since my  treatment ended and I have hit menopause and mostly life is good. I pop in now and then and whenever someone writes to me I relpy, so forgive me if I have missed anyof your posts.

Hope you are feeling better than when we last had contact and are enjoying your new pup!

Love, Jq. xxx


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## dhikki

thank you girls for all your support and lovely posts!


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## dhikki

Well, i got through another mothers day somehow. Not really sure how but there it's has passed for another year. 

Feeling so low just now. Trying hard to keep upbeat but not doing very well. I am just treading water to be honest. Getting up, going to stables, going to work doing housework. Eating dinner and going to bed! 

When i think about things it's so hard to be positive about life. I cannot believe that hubby and i have now been together for 8 mothers day, and still he cannot give me a card from our children. It totally breaks my heart.

One more year has slipped past, in a week or so i will be 31, another year older, another year clocked up and still longing for my own children.

How long will the longing last? When i turn 35 will it still hurt like this? When I'm 40 will the hurt be gone by then? Will it always be there? Will it ever settle, will the pain ever go? 

This is it for me, i feel sure, everyday the same, getting up going to work and all the time longing, wanting, needing wishing, missing........ Hurting like hell


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## dhikki

I know i have to sign the form. But how do i let go? How do i sign it. Where the hell do i find the strength from...............  I really don't think i am strong enough


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## Bambam

Donna I've replied to you on the other thread    

Amanda xx


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