# tips for dealing with toddler tantrums of the violent variety!!!



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

As thread topic heading suggests I am struggling with a biting, hitting,thumping, kicking, screaming boy. He is driving me insane. Nothing I do seems enough. I have tried things but he bores easily with things. Nothing else in this placement is that bad  bar that. I get why he is like that.  I just want to know how to stop him hurting himself and us all. 
Love and thanks in advance!!! Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

There are a number of physical practical things (can't help emotionally I am afraid) that I had to use when teaching my classes tended to be very demanding. 

Hair pulling - push the child's hand towards your head not away. Being pushed onto your head forces the child's fingers to splay open without hurting them. Pulling away from them makes it worse. 

Biting - again you are best off pushing towards not away if your arm is at the back of the pallet not the front it is harder to close the jaw and the bite is less painful. 

Kicking - remove shoes then it will be uncomfortable on their feet shoes offer massive protection and therefore enable them to kick much much harder. 

Hitting and general attacking - try and get your body side on to them all the sensitive bits are the front and back. If possible side on with your legs apart so they make first contact with the side of one leg. This is a very unvulnerable position and gives the opportunity to stroke a back or maneuver a child quite a lot while protecting yourself as much as possible. 

I know that's probably not the help you wanted but limiting the physical pain is important to help you stay calm. I am sure others will be able to give much better emotional support but these things are tried and tested and do work.


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi 
This advice is coming from teaching children with ASD and i would second everything DIY Diva said but one thing that might help slowly is to build in exercise into his routine. Have you got a trampette?  Some time bouncing regularly might help him regulate himself a bit altho watch it doesnt make him hyper. Or even just regular runs in the garden. 
Another thing I have always found v useful for volatile children is using deep pressure- often foot massage works well or pushing down on legs and one child used to love being squashed by a cushion or a physio ball( for safety they must be lying on their front) 

The idea with any of these things is to use them regularly not just in crisis. To give children feedback they need and are seeking. 
The other area that might be helpful to look at is how crisis/ tantrums start and build and which type of responses will work best depending on how far into the situstion they are. If you want any more info on this let me know  and I'll look it up. 

Good luck, you are doing an amazing thing. 

Livity


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Fran 

I feel for you, reading your post  

He's trying to communicate with you, he's using his anger to provoke a reaction but he desperately needs you!  All adoption experts say the same thing, tons of empathy is the way to go here.  It is not going to be easy (an understatement I am sure  ), but really try to help him to express his emotions and verbally empathise with how he is feeling.  Give a simple 'we do not bite' or 'it is not ok to kick Mummy and then follow up with the empathy, ie. 'I can see you are really angry about xyz, I want to help you' etc etc ....  By doing this you are acknowledging his feelings.  That is what he wants/needs, someone to really hear him and empathise with him.  This absolutely does not mean you give in to demands, you must hold firm and be consistent but empathise with him.  It will take time but you will see the benefits of this approach eventually and he will learn to trust you.  

I have always thought it was a little bit like customer complaint handling!  The irate customer will begin to calm down when he feels he is being listened to and empathised with . .... , just my take on things  

I can only imagine what a challenge it is to take on two toddlers at once so pat yourself on the back.  The early days are really tough but it does get easier and your children will learn to love and trust you.

Big hugs to you   . 
X


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

DIY and livity,
I think your advice is really helpful  

Fran,
Some things that I've been recommended to help with regulation are sucking thick liquids through a straw or teat, bouncing, jumping up and down and screwing up newspaper.
All I can say is it takes a long time to see an improvement, there is no quick fix... 

As far as dealing with the physical aggression goes I have to separate LO from myself as nothing else helps during her escalations! We are separated by a stair gate and can see each other but I know that once she's really cross nothing helps, we then have cuddly time when she's calmed down. I still have to avoid flying objects but just pick them up without comment  

Be kind to yourself xx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I have tried to explain how I do this with Wyxling, but it's really hard to put it into words.

With Wyxling, I find the best way (not the most effective, but the one that seems to give me the right balance of protecting myself and her, and yet not completely overwhelming her, which I have done a few times, but only when I've absolutely had to) is to scoop her up almost like a baby, sit her on my lap.  The trick is to not let them go rigid in the first place, or you can have a bit of a problem there.  If I put one arm around her back and far arm/shoulder, I hold the farthest hand away from me, while the nearest arm is pushed against me - she can get it behind me but not in a position to pull my quite long hair or seriously hurt me.  Other hand ideally goes either around the legs, right around the shins with her knees bent, which will confine more and prevent kicking, or under her legs (under the knees) if I need to lift her up.  If I have my arm under her legs she can still kick my arms, but it's only with her shins, and it doesn't hurt at all.  Biting and hair pulling are, in my opinion, the ones that are hardest to deal with.  In the past my arms have been covered, and I really do mean covered, in bruises from when she's dug her teeth in and just refused to let go.  If she's biting I sometimes have to hold both hands (it allows me to manoeuvre a little to keep my hands and arms, and hers - if she can't bite me she'll bit herself, away from her mouth.  The only thing worse than biting or hair pulling with this age group is an unexpected head butt, which is why I never hold her facing me when she's really raging.  I honestly thought Wyxling had broken my nose once.  

If she's really determined to bite, she'll manage to get round and get my upper arm which really bloody hurts.  If she's doing that I put one hand under her head to support her, and the other hooked behind her knees, and holding the far hand, near hand against me.  It works, but she hates it, and it's not as "cuddly".  I know it sounds odd but normally this raging and trying to hurt will roll into her sobbing and looking for cuddles and once you get used to doing it, you can hold a hand really very firmly and stroke the back of it at the same time, and she'll gradually sort of come round.  I find it's really important to stay very calm, absolutely not to get into a conversation at all while she's raging - I talk to her, but I don't engage in conversation with her - sing to her, sometimes quite loudly because she's in such a state that coming close to matching that can help to start to bring her "down".  It's actually really important that you're there and holding him at the end of these rages/tantrums, and keeping him with you for as long as you can.  This is the time he's emotionally youngest and most vulnerable, and this is the time you can help him form the attachment to you by being there for him, holding, soothing, stroking etc, for as long as he'll let you.

I would add to this, I am quite slim, but pretty damn strong now.  I look like I go to the gym, although I don't, I swim and I walk pushing the buggy a lot of miles each week, and I have spent 16 months on and off struggling with Wyxling.  I'm a stone heavier than when Wyxling was placed with us, and I can say with confidence that that's almost all muscle.  At 19 months old she was 30 lbs, she's now only a little more than that, but she's much stronger and a lot less chub!

I think with a young toddler, a lot of the problem can be pride, as well.  If Wyxling slaps my face, it doesn't hurt, but it absolutely infuriates me.  Same if she kicks me without shoes on - OK it hurts, but it doesn't really hurt, certainly not as much as walking into the corner of the baby pen which I do at least twice a day all on my own.  If she's harmlessly kicking her shins against my arm and otherwise contained, I just let her do it for a while and try to sooth.

Wyxling has been a lot less violent recently *touch wood* but Bladelet has started having some massive paddies, age 14 months, and he sometimes kicks, hits etc.  He was biting but seems to have stopped that almost completely.  His feel like more "normal" trantrums, although he's quite young for them, rather than the real raging Wyxling gives us - thankfully less frequently recently!

Exercise is definitely a good thing.  Getting outdoors, stomping in puddles, climbing, etc.  I have to say I found having a trampoline inside didn't work for us, as Wyxling would get quite worked up using it in the house, and because of her difficulties to regulate, this really didn't help at all.  I know have it outside and she uses it in the garden sometimes, and that's fine.  For some reason being in the confines of the house really changes the dynamic of what's OK and what's not and what works and what doesn't.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi,

You have had a lot of good advice already, but wanted to add how I have overcome this problem with my DS.

He does it for attention, occasionally he gets aggressive but it's usually when he is told 'no' or his sister is getting attention, i have zero tolerance with smacking/hurting mummy and sometimes his sister, if I can preempt it I do by distraction, and then I stroke his hand/arm and tell him 'gently' several times. If he has struck me then he goes straight on the 'time in chair' whilst I am still in the room where he is told that it I understand that he is angry and that's ok, but it is not ok to smack mummy, he is sitting on the chair until he calms down, when he seems calm (I.e stopped kicking/screaming) I ask him if he is ready to say sorry, if he says yes Then I get to his level and we have a kiss and a cuddle, I explain again that it's ok to be angry but it is not ok to hurt mummy. Initially it didn't seem to work, and sometimes he would keep hitting so He spent 45-60 mins repeatedly being placed on the chair but now, it is few and far between and he is very rarely on it for longer than 2 minutes.

The best advice I can give is be consistent, don't get angry I front of him and I often had to count to 10 before responding, I find it very upsetting. It only seemed to be me that he hurt, but then now I realise it's because he loves me and he was demanding my attention. He is not doing it because he doesn't love you, probably quite the opposite.

Stay strong and keep focused, things will get easier.

X x x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

OMG DIY Diva, I wish I'd read that a year ago!  Way too many fat lips and sore eyes here... LOL!  And, OMG Wyxie, the head butts backwards... oh they hurt!  

And Wyxie's right about the pride thing, too.  Nothing prepared me for how hard it was NOT to hit back when Bug slaps me in the face.

Only from my own experience, I'd recommend:-

1)  Look for triggers and remove/divert before tantrum happens
2)  Ice lollies take time to eat and are quite calming.  The cold helps soothe, too.
3)  Empathise.  "It's not okay to hit me, but I still love you and always will.  I'm sad you're feeling so bad, but I promise it will get better.  Shall we try...."
4)  Get outside, whatever the weather.  Buggy walks, parks, run arounds.  
5)  If you can't get oustide, bouncing on the mummy-daddy bed to banging music seems to expend good energy here.  
6)  In calm times, lots of physical contact - tickles, silly games, hide and seek together from something imaginary, cuddling under the duvet.  Anything that provokes belly laughs is likely to help express bottled up emotion.
7)  Duck.  Learn how to duck and block.  Less pain for you means less escalation of the situation.
  For us, when he got truly hysterical and I would be saying, "okay, it's alright, it's time to calm down now," he'd sometimes say, "I CAN'T!" and that was a signal that it was safe to pick him up, cuddle and soothe.  Spotting the moment when his tantrum train has got out of control and you can intervene to help is a skill that will just come in time.
9)  Is there a place you can just pile a load of cushions and duvets/blankets and drop him in them to let rip while you stand back, making soothing noises?
10)  Don't make the mistake of thinking you have a little monster, and then start picking him up on every little thing.  Agree with DH what things matter and what things don't yet.  When you've got past the violent stage, then you can worry about table manners....    I was so worried about it all, I'd sometimes think he was going for me, when he was actually doing something else, and ended up being too hard on him.  Learning to let the smaller stuff go helped.  Have a good hard look at what you can just let go in this difficult phase.
11)  Should have been 1)  and 2)  and 3)  Look after yourself.  Get some time alone, or with friends, or whatever you need to feel human.  Insist your DH facilitates this.  If it's impossible for him to do that, insist your SWer negotiates with their SWer for help/respite.
12)  Don't laugh, but have you tried sticker rewards?  Sticking gold stars on our Bug's jumper when he did good stuff had a HUGE impact on his self esteem and happiness and therefore on his behaviour.  HE didnt' like what he was doing any more than we did, and his self esteem was rock bottom.  Make the rewards for positive things (well done for doing x) rather than for not hitting mummy!
13)  I did occasionally have to hold bug down fora few seconds, but I hated it, he hated it, so I tried not to do it.  Any physical restraint would escalate him.
14)  Teaching him the angry stomp ("I can see you've got big angry feelings in your tummy. Would you like to do an angry stomp?  Shall we do it together?  *stomp and growl, shaking fists etc*) can help.

I'll come back if I think of more.  Gotta rush....


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