# NEW APPROVED AND FAMILY FINDING IN 2016



## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Hope to natter with some others going through the family finding process


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Hi there, a bit ahead of you insofar as we have matching panel on Tuesday, but thought I could share some promising news for prospective adopters. For the last 12 months or longer we've been warned repeatedly that there would be a long wait & that they were now conducting annual reviews for approved adopters.
Since Easter every couple from our prep group (April last year) has been matched - that's 4 couples in a matter of weeks. We asked our sw if the adoption landscape was changing (I might add we're with a LA that is small & so doesn't do any in-house matches), and she said there's been a total turn around - impact of regionalisation, one neighbouring LA never having previously realised that our LA relied upon other LAs for matches - to the point whereby our LA now only has one approved adopter waiting for a match. 
We were matched when our lo was 19months, I know another 2 adopters have both been matched with 17month olds & the last goes to panel in July for a 15month old - so all of us matched with that holy grail of a single child under the age of 3!


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Aww thank you! It's always nice to hear from someone with such lovely news! 
We are lucky to be with a VA as opposed to LA, which will hopefully help 
CONGRATULATIONS on your panel and the pending arrival of your LO

MIRACLES ARE WORTH THE WAIT XXX


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## divegirl99 (Dec 5, 2011)

Hi all,

Just thought I'd share our experience and see if anyone had any advice.
We were approved a month ago and quickly put forward for a child that was perfect for us.  Last week we were interviewed and were up against another 'strong couple' but thought that we would be quite successful.  The feedback yesterday deemed us very strong and there were no issues however the off the record feedback our social worker gleened was that we didn't seem as emotionally connected to the child as the other couple and that we hadn't put the vision of them living with us across enough.  I really am at a bit of a loss as to how to rectify this as it appears to be a clash of personalities rather than anything we did wrong.  I admit that we are strong emotionally if you know what I mean and don't tend to be too gushy but I'm wondering whether that's what they want.

We have got everything we would need, pushchair, cot, highchair etc even though my husband said it looked a bit too keen but we're thinking now that there may not be such a thing as too keen.

What do you think, any advice would be appreciated.

Good luck to everyone going through this as it's a long journey.  

Sally
xxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Dear Divegirl, 

I don't know what to say.. so I shall send a giant hug   we have not yet progressed as far as yourself but admit that I already feel very confused about the expectations of how we should come across as potential parents..... Our SW (WHO IS LOVELY) and the Agency were very clear we should be open minded but keep an emotional distance and protect ourselves, so as to not invest emotionally in a link that may not progress, so I tried (and as a very emotional person it was hard) but the next they want you to show your emotional reasons and commitment to a profile that you are looking at sort of forsaking all other enquiries....

I would write a letter to the Child SW explaining why you feel so strongly about LO and that you are concerned that you didn't portray this at the time.
Respectful, but honest, get it checked and approved by your own SW and sent across.... nothing to loose xxx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

That's hard  
To be honest I would try not to overthink it. ..they had two couples to choose from and there might of been  no real difference between you. 
Who knows how they really decide in these situations, our daughters sw lived quite close to us, maybe that was part of the reason, less travelling when making visits? Who knows?!
You can only be yourselves, you are approved as adopters as yourselves so there is no need to be something different. 
It will happen when the time is right xx


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

Hello. I'm going to write this as somebody who was in a competitive link and was successful.
Firstly, we had our definitive response the following day as the out of area csws visited both couples in my area on the same day and can't imagine having had to wait any longer. When you talk of the 'off the record feedback' I would take it with a pinch of salt. I know that may sound ridiculous, as surely you listen to feedback and act accordingly, but in our case it later transpired that the other couple in the link had been at our prep. The female in the couple posted a lengthy rant upon feedback into a private social media group we have set up between us. My oh was particularly upset/angered by the fact that sws had not been honest with them - the feedback they had been given in no way matched the feedback we had received. 
We were told that the Csw & FF were really impressed to learn that we had recently enrolled on a course looking at therapeutic parenting as it showed we had an understanding of the need to parent differently. If interested - and it can only boost your application, we looked at our PAR very much as our cv - then the courses run termly and are £40: http://onlinestore.sunderland.ac.uk/browse/product.asp?compid=1&modid=1&catid=53 Much was made of it, they liked it & liked us - yet according to social media 2 hours later the other couple, who took the rejection very hard, had not been chosen as the other couple (ie us) had been selected as they had more childcare experience with nieces who stayed over every month - my nieces come over for a night or 2 in school holidays, and we received no feedback about child experience having been a deciding factor. What I'm saying is you might be told what your sw feels is easiest to tell. I likened it to job interviews - if you've ever been in the position of selecting someone to do a job then sometimes you just know, and yet you've got to find something to say to the unsuccessful candidates, and often you beat around the bush. I would never say 'from the moment I set eyes on you I knew I couldn't work with you' - and yet have felt that way!! Similarly, feedback would never be 'I wasn't blown away by your cv but as soon as you opened your mouth, I just knew that we'd work well together'.

When our visitors left, our sw felt that things had gone as well as they could have done. TBH we were just grateful to have had a visit. OH had a cancer diagnosis shortly after approval so we hadn't long since been back in the family finding system and our sw had done nothing but remind us that sws would be put off by the c word and we might have a longer than usual wait on our hands. We felt it reassuring that an sw was willing to visit. We approached it feeling we were the 'also ran' couple; that the visiting sws were travelling quite a distance & had had the arrangement with the other couple for at least a fortnight whereas we didn't even have the date an time confirmed until nearly 10am on the day of the expected visit! When they did arrive they were an hour early, our sw hadn't yet arrived and I was part way upstairs carrying the change of clothing I was planning while OH was at the door! Despite our obvious alarm at their very early arrival we were welcoming & the whole thing broke the ice and was referenced frequently throughout the afternoon (though upon realising their mistake said they'd go and come back as it wasn't fair them being there and not our sw).

What I'm saying is, that you are entitled to feedback in the event of being unsuccessful, but that feedback may or may not be accurate. Like job interviews often do, it may well come down to who feels like 'best fit' so as crazy spaniel suggests, there's not much to be gained from over analysing - and for the record the other couple actually went to matching panel a fortnight ago (& a fortnight before we got there!).

I don't know how helpful that is, but as soon as I made the comparison to a job interview - even for a job I really wanted, it made acceptance/rejection a little easier to bare.

Helen

/links


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## divegirl99 (Dec 5, 2011)

Thank you all, you're right it's no good overanalysing it but it is hard at the time.  We're actually being put straight forward for another child who's status has just changed so we'll see what happens.
It transpires from further conversation with our SW that they other couple have worked with children in some capacity so maybe it was actually that which made the difference.
Anyway as you say, we'll be matched with the right child in the end.

On another note, we're actually looking for siblings and had been told throughout the process that there were lots around as they were harder to place, so far (in the last 2/3 months) there haven't really been any. There have been lots of single children however.  Maybe it's different in other parts of the country.

Thank you for your support, I know we'll all get there in the end.  It's just difficult when you know you need to connect in some way with a child you've never met then when you do and you don't get matched it's hard. 

 to all.

Sally


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Divegirl - I hope the new link goes well, sometimes it's the surprise changes of direction that lead us to the right place  

Helend - Thanks for the wise words, I know they were aimed at helping Divegirl primarily BUT when put so well it's a frame of thought I will try and carry with us too, it's definitely ringing very true...

I know you'll all shake your heads at me here as we have only been approved and ratified for a couple of weeks (though our adoption journey initially began just over 3 years ago) But I really am fidning the process and the way they want you to connect/maintain distance all in one go a bit bamboozling


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