# Not coping and losing my marriage



## Jeme1ca2345 (Nov 23, 2009)

Hi all 
I just need to rant and vent my frustration.    
Tomorrow (mothers day, the club I can't subscribe to) is approaching and I dont know how to cope. My husband and I are arguing nearly every day; he doesn't want to egg share, donor sperm or adopt a child. We can't afford the ICSI treatment and are not entitled on the nhs.

I've had testing (aquascan and hsg) and a myomectomy where they removed a 3kg/22cm diameter fibroid.

I really feel like banging my head against the wall. I can't stop crying, I'm in such a low place. I have no friends as they have children or are 'single' and according to dh do not understand what a marriage entails.

I have no one to talk to; my job is stressful and demanding. I work with families who constantly pop out children and are unable to cope with them, or do not want to cope with them. Children are always in my face. All of my family, including my husband  are parents to children and I feel so embarrassed, sad and empty that I cannot have children of my own.

I find it a struggle every other weekend when my dh's daughter comes to stay. I avoid them both by going out for the day shopping or staying in the bedroom. I just can't deal with it, he will never understand my pain. Dh is sad because he can't understand how I feel.

I am at such a low point this situation is ruining my life, I think about it every single minute of every day to the point I am obsessive about it. I can't even bd with my dh anymore, the thought of it repulses me. I think to myself, "what is the point?" I'm not going to get pregnant any way

Then when I do bd i try to remain positive, analyze every single twinge, movement, pain, feeling  and convince myself that this is the month. Then the painful heavy AF comes and reminds me why i shouldn't bd with dh. Then he gets upset and stressed about not being able to bd.

I've really had enough of feeling like this, I've tried talking to my mum (the only person I could trust with this) and she freaked out and couldn't handle it. I just wanted her to hold me and say it'd be ok. But she said 'you need to relax' and 'if it's meant to be it'll be' . I died.


I'm writing this now and contemplating packing my things and getting a one way Tkt to anywhere for afresh start. I know my hubby loves me. He shows me all the time. I love him and he knows too. 

Just had my first counseling session yesterday which went well. 

Anyone have any tips on coping strategies that they could kindly share?

Thanks for reading x


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## weeble101 (Sep 2, 2010)

sending you a personal message!


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## raspberrytipple (Feb 4, 2012)

Hi Jeme,
I can understand how you feel, it really is a horrible situation to be stuck in.  We are still being investigated to find out what the problem is but I know how heartbreaking it is seeing people having children without even having to think about it, it is actually devastating.  I don't know whether men experience infertility in the same way as the expectation isn't there with them i.e. I don't think they get asked almost on a daily basis whether they will be having children soon.

This is the first year I've felt sad on mothers day although to be honest I don't come from a family where much fuss is made as it's a bit of a commercial rip off.....kinda like valentines day etc etc but this year I do feel sad, I've been on ******** and many friends (I'm one of few childless ones) have put up the little cards and presents their little ones have made them. 

For the moment I haven't really found a way of coping, I'm just muddling through and I've told a few people around me now so I can have my good days/bad days and feel supported or just 'this is why I'm sad today, I can't help it, but today I just need to be sad'.  I did read on a website that one woman coped with it by saying to herself 'I feel sad about it everyday so I will let myself cry for a bit every day, just allow myself to have 30 minutes or an hour to think about it, come to terms with it and sob or scream or whatever, then that is it for that day, I will get on with it after that for the rest of the day'.  I tried this recently as I felt so low and it did help, I kind of put my sadness in a box so I could be sad and have  a cry but it didn't dictate my life and leave me feeling exhausted all the time.  It's so hard, I'm sorry I dont really have any coping strategies but I did want you to know you are not on your own xx


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## marleymoo (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi Jeme,

I am so sorry to read that you are having such a hard time. I understand your situation as it is similar to mine. My DP has two sons from his previous marriage and the eldest (1 lives with us and has done for 4 years. Lets just say he's a handful and at times it has been awful but I try to be a good stepparent or whatever this situation makes me. Anyway, I will need IVF and whilst my DP is trying to be sensitive, at times he just doesn't understand. I, like you, am becoming more obsessed each day and its hard. 
I think conselling is a positive move, I am considering this too although I don't know where to start?
I also work with children. I am a deputy manager of a children's nursery and also doing an early years degree so my days are kids, kids, kids. Which can be hard. I have to remind myself that it's not everyone else's fault and keep a brave face (most of the time, anyway).
You can PM me anytime, I know it's hard but keep talking, it helps and try to welcome your DH's daughter. I know it's hard but the moment I started to try and 'love' my stepson, it instantly got better. Not great but better.
Big hugs hun

Marls 
xx


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## Maybethistime (Oct 20, 2008)

Hello jeme


At 30 you should be entitled to some ivt on the nhs.I know someone who was turned down as her partner had a child from a previous relationship. She simply changed doctors and  was then entitled to three goes on nhs.


It is very hard this whole game. I remember the first time I spoke to a friend who had extensive IVF, she said sex will never be the same again. Sad but true. 


Try to get a bit of exercise every day as its a natural antidepressant and be good to yourself.


On another note it's different for men they seem to process things in a different way. When we first started trying by dh said he would never event think about IVF, a year later we were doing IVF for the first time. When we got out first bfn, he said he would not be interested in donor eggs. Three years on and a natural BFP later we are now going down the egg donor route. People process information a little at a time. And the longer we remain childless the more we push the envelope of what we think is an acceptable way of getting our hearts desire. In the eighties The first IVF child was called a test tube baby. IVF is now acceptable and widely talked about.  Think about this forum alone, thousands of us, women of all walks of life, all shapes sizes colours and social classes, all of us with the same goal in mind. We can hardly pick up a paper without reading about surrogacy. Talk to your husband, and keep talking. Cook a nice meal tonight, open a bottle of wine and open your heart.  If you love your husband fight for him and in fighting who knows what else you will win..




Take care.


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## Duck007 (Feb 7, 2012)

Hello Jeme1ca2345, 
Sending you a really big hug right now ((((((  ))))).  Your post has had me in tears.  Things are so tough for you right now.  Some people really can't grasp how tough infertility can be and really isolating too.  I wish I could tell your hubby and mum to be much more supportive.  

Packing your bags is going to make it much tougher for you to get the baby you long for.  If there is love in your marriage then I don't think it is in jeopardy - it is just a rough patch.  Instead of focussing on running away my advice would be to focus on an action plan to make your dreams come true.  Your post didn't suggest that your husband would object to having ICSI so already I see this as a positive.  ICSI is very expensive - about £6,000.  However, if you really want something badly you can climb any mountain.  It may take you a few years to get the money together but I think you would regret it if you don't try. I am sure most of us want to be pregnant right now and it will be tough waiting.  IVF ICSI success rates are increasing all the time and your money might be better spent if you have to wait a while.  In the meantime, I would recommend that you carry on with the BD.  There are women who need IVF (including ICSI) who have conceived naturally.  The chances are slim but you might just be one of the lucky ones.  

Take good care of yourself 

xxxx


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## Jeme1ca2345 (Nov 23, 2009)

Thank you all    I am overwhelmed by your responses. It has really helped to be able to let it out and have responses from women in the same boat and understand my feelings. Up until yesterday I considered them my feelings to be unnatural and irrational. 

Today my hubby is forcing me to get out of bed and taking me for a walk at the park. I will def have a glass/bottle of wine today lol. 

Happy women's day everyone. As I write this and think about how much stress, grief and anxiety we are going through I feel that we should dedicate a day to us.


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## Maybethistime (Oct 20, 2008)

Yes, great idea. Someone on another thread said she was having a glass of champagne today in honor of mothers. She said that everyone of us are mothers. That while we wait to hold a baby of our own we are mothers at heart.. I liked that very much.


Happy mothers at heart day to all of us..


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## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Jeme, 
So glad you're having a better day today, although my hubby didn't have any children, that yearning to be a Mother is completely overwhelming and is the first thing you think of at the start of each day, and the last thing on your mind as you drift off to sleep.... I had counselling and it opened up all sorts of feelings and I suppose to some extent those feelings and emotions feel completely irrational, but hunnie, they are universal - for everyone who has had babies in their faces, which is especially hard to cope with when all you see is awful charvas and downright ungrateful people who shouldn't have responsibility for animals nevermind little bundles.

Hubby, if he isn't already taking them, should be giving what he has got, a boost, get him on multivitamins, and a healthy diet and exercise programme... my own hubby went from a low to a zero count, and we did manage to get pregnant once - sadly we miscarried due to my big fibroid.  

So try whatever you can to boost your chances naturally, and try and put some money aside.  Talk over your feelings with your hubby, if he has an understanding of how badly this is affecting you, he may change his mind, it'd do no harm just looking into the donor route... we had a sperm donor on standby in case hubby had another zero count at EC.
Best wishes and massive hugs.
Sheila


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