# Initial home visit for concurrency - eek!



## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

DH and I have been considering concurrent care/adoption for several months. Personally I was ready to apply in about November but DH has wanted more time to think (fair enough). I rang our LA of choice today (we are on the border of 3!) to book onto an information evening in June and was told its fully booked but we could book on for the next one in September. So I did that and was having a bit of a chat with the lady and I mentioned concurrency, there was a slight pause and she said she might be able to get us on the June one after all. Within an hour she rang back saying they were happy to go straight to initial home visit and how are we fixed for Monday?  
I've put it back to next Friday which is better for DH work and gives me time to clean!!! I'm in a bit of a flap now though, what happens at the initial home visit? What can I expect? Will she want a tour of the house? How long will it take?? Excited but definitely flapping


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

Exciting stuff kandykane. As you know I am a big believer in concurrency and really hope things go smoothly for you and dh. It is a tough emotional roller coaster but without a shadow of a doubt the best course of action for young babies. It is the adults that are taking the risk not the children. My dh and I are just waiting to continue on on our concurrent journey. I will be following you and if I can eat of any help do pm anytime.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Thanks pinklady I am excited! Hoping the sw answers DH's queries enough for him to take the plunge...
What is the initial visit like?


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

I can't really comment on the initial visit as we are not in England so our process is a little different. I would imagine they will really go over concurrency and reiterate the risks and the emotional difficulties so that you fully understand what you could be getting into. It will be an opportunity for the SW to answer your questions and to ascertain your motives behind concurrency. I truely  believe you can not go into concurrency as a means of getting a young baby as there are risks. Remember 8-12 percent of concurrent placements return home so you have to believe in concurrency from the child centred point of view, in that it is taking all the risks of the child and putting on the adult who feels they are strong enough to take the risks. If the SW is doing her job she will be wanting to check that your entering into concurrency for the right reasons. Hope it all goes well.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi - we are currently doing foster to adopt and have a birth child as well as two adopted kids already (greedy I know!). I know our SW was interested in how we would handle the situation with our current kids. I think when you already have kids they are quite careful that they place a child with as little risk of going back to birth family as possible but the risk still exists. 

We had to be open with our kids that youngest could potentially go back to birth family. I did talk to the kids about this and explained that the birth mother is still having a chance to see if she can look after him properly (they are quite young) but that if she couldn't we would be adopting him. I can't pretend it hasn't been hard and my 6 year old started off crying about the birth mother a lot and praying every night that she could learn to look after him because it brought it all home so much that the BM still wanted her baby. I think a few weeks in the prayers changed to wanting baby to stay with us. The older 2 do mention things every now and then about whether baby is staying with us but generally they just get on with it and treat him like a brother. I think you need to acknowledge that there will be emotional fallout if the concurrency ends in the child returning to birth family.

Sorry this post has become quite long but I do think SW will ask about your birth child but remember lots of foster carers have young birth children and they deal with it. 

Feel free to ask me any questions too - it's been a tough time but we would make all the same decisions again.


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## Thepinklady (Apr 16, 2014)

Agree with all you say tictoc re children in the family, although children do cope better than adults with the risk because in there eyes children belong with their mummy's. SW will definitely discuss how you will ensure your lo is onboard with it all and will help you explain it properly. Tictoc just wanted to comment on you mentioning that they will probably only place children were the risk of the child returning home is low with families with other children. This may be the case in foster to adopt which is slightly different than concurrency. In concurrency absolutely no decision will have been made. An intense time bound 6 month piece of work will be embarked on with the birth family and while the past indicates that  there is a high chance of the the family not being able to make the changes in the time frame the active plan will always be reunification. In authorities where a pure concurrency programme is in place babies are being placed regularly with both childless couples and couples with children on exactly the same basis with the same Unknown risks. Kandykane from memory you have previously investigated your la and it is a pure concurrency scheme they offer as opposed to foster to adopt. In foster to adopt the purpose is to get the child placed in their final home as early as possible and there is no real plan for reunification but all the legalities and bases have to be covered so that it can go through the courts properly. Whilst there is a risk, I think it is something around 2% of the child going home. In concurrency the active plan in reunification but running concurrently beside this is the plan to have the baby placed in their permanent home should reunification not be possible. 8-12% of concurrent cases return home which is much higher than foster to adopt. I believe kandykane you are aware of the differences and are fully prepared for this. Questions to ask your social worker would be is it a pure conccurrent programme and what is the time frame that they work within. The work with birth family should be carried out within a six month period with final recommendations being made shortly after this period. You need to make sure that they will not let things drag on for much longer as this as it would be hard to live with the emotional side of this for much longer than this. Hope his helps.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

I do get mixed up between the two and yes you are probably right here. We are a foster to adopt placement though and until very recently two plans were being pursued with one being return to birth mother so we have had quite intense contact plans. 

I don't know if I agree or not about children accepting better - prob depends on child and a number of other factors.

Good luck for visit though - sounds like you know what you are doing


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Thank you for your input ladies   
Yes I know there is a risk with concurrency but we, as a stable loving family with good support, are better placed to deal with that risk than a vulnerable baby. I firmly believe concurrency is a fabulous idea. My DS is nearly 5 (where did the time go?!) and I think he will understand ok. He already understands a little because he asked me a while ago what happens to boys and girls with no mummy or daddy so I explained about fostering and adoption then. Also a friend of mine has been looking after her grandson who is likely to be adopted as her daughter (who she adopted!) has some serious problems and is not allowed to be alone with her son. So sad. The baby is 7 months old and we've looked after him several times to help out my friend, DS asked if we could keep him the first time we had him so I explained that his mummy couldn't look after him and we were just helping out while she tried to learn how to look after him. He definitely understood, but did say to me one night when he was falling asleep that he will love his brother when we find him. Melted my heart!! So DS is on board, I'm on board, I just need DH to be 100% and then it's down to the sw. I had a long chat with them a few months ago about our general eligibility and it all sounds ok. Got everything crossed DH's worries are resolved and this all works out for us.    


P.s. Pink lady you've got a good memory!


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Thanks for your support girls, the home visit went well but DH has told me tonight that he is now 100% against adopting    I have no idea how to move forward from this, can hardly type through my tears.


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Kandykane - really feel for you but please don't despair. Before we adopted our first DH asked me to put everything on hold too. I thought we were both ready to start but he was processing at a very different speed to me. Be patient with him.

Is he worried about the kind of children that are in care and what the future might hold or is it just adoption in general? Maybe you can meet up with some successful adopters and let him see what life could be?

After we adopted our first DH told me that he never would have done it without me pushing it along and he was so grateful I had persisted.


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## kandykane (Nov 17, 2008)

Everything's has been on hold for about 6 months while he thinks about it. It's a definitive no from him. It's adoption in general, he just won't.


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

That is so tough, KandyKane    

It is so brave of you both to be honest with each other at such a vulnerable period in your life. There is no real research behind this, but I do feel that part of the reasons marriages (and adoption placements) fail is because people haven't really listened to themselves or to each other. Your relationship clearly matters a lot to you both and it is really great that you have given him space to think about what he wants. I hope he gives you that same space and consideration.

i hope you continue to talk about it, because feelings do change and your feelings do matter. Xx


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