# Control (AGAIN! SORRY!!)



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi all

I thought we'd got DD's controlling behaviour under control (haha) but it's back with avengence. 

This time it's about clothes! She's 3!! I dread what she's going to be like in 10 years time! 

She's fine at putting on her uniform for nursery because obviously it doesn't change, but she will not be told what to wear at all. I have tried letting her have free reign... limiting her choices... leaving her to it.... but we simply don't have time in the morning for her to faff.. even if we put the clothes out the night before by the time morning comes she's decided she doesn't like what she chose the night before!

I am beyond caring what she looks like (she's been out in a summer dress, tights, clogs, fleece and fairy wings this morning!) I had to pop to work and she spilt drink down her front and accidentally wee'd on her tights so DH had to take her home to get changed!

It's really starting to stress us... we have to pencil in two hours to choose a pair of knickers! Seriously!

Any help? I should also say we are sure it's a feeling safe thing (we've just had her celebration day so she's had that in her mind for a while now) so we've reassured and cuddled to the hilt ... what else to do?


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Hiya

I would say it sounds like a sort of typical toddler type thing, except with adoption thrown in the mix therefore 'exagerrating'  it(if thats the right word. Sounds to me like she is attempting to have control over her clothing because she wants to exert her authority or independence since, like many toddlers, she feels many other things 'get done to her' without her control (i.e. moving home, adoption etc) 

Or theory number 2, she is doing it to stall for time and for attention - because she knows it gets you annoyed or stressed and thereofe get your attention - and that just like she feels you can 'control her' she can also control you. 

Personally, I would give her a choice of 2 items. At this age, anymore than 2 to choose from will throw her into a bit of spin. So put out 2 dresses and ask her to choose one - and if she doesn't, then let her know there is a consequence of some sort - perhaps less park time/tv time/etc....This should enable you to retain some control (and time) and her to feel she is still getting choice and independence and autonomy but at the same time she is learning that actions have consequence and essentially that doing what she is asked to do by mummy and daddy, will give reward/benefit (or not). Let her take as long as she likes to choose between the 2 but let her know she has to choose one of them. Encourage her to be quick about choosing which one by mentioning the fun things she will get to do, once she is dressed (i.e. going out etc) 

Or, you just leave her to it and grin and bear it - and it will pass as a phase - but the best way to do that is to not give it any attention, not get stressed about it or at her or let her know its annoying you.  Its not unlike when they go through food phases - eating soemthing one day with enthusiasm and then the next day saying they don't like it and refusing to eat it - largely due for reaction most times.  Its all part of growing up and understanding that they can make choices, have control, responsibility and part of how they form their identity and their role and understanding of how they fit in the world - except in this case it could be related to her attachment to you and understanding the dynamic of the relationship between you and her. Right now, Im having a daily morning battle with DD and her milk for similar reasons where she is refusing to drink and can take up to 2 hours to drink 1 beaker of milk......only this week did I really stick to just leaving her to it and not giving her any attention over it, telling her to hurry up or tip the beaker up (she puts it down or just holds it in her mouth but refuses to drink any or swallow) and its working because she is realising that she only gets my attention when she finishes (though I have an eye on her always, she just doesnt realise! ha ha) 

xx


----------



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Thanks Iman - sage advice again  

Yesterday wasn't too stressful she fussed about  a top but chose a cardi instead which was fine. I laid out her favourite dress and leggings this morning and while I was at Tesco (7am!!!!) she started screaming in DH's face about the 'horrible' clothes (that after a stern word from him, turned into 'I love this dress') 

She's still in her 'jamas at the mo, so I'll let you know how absolutely no choice or attention works........ (if it does work, we'll slllllooooooowwwwwwly start letting her have choice, these leggings or those.....) 

Wish me luck!!!! xx


----------



## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Jitterbug, you are not alone.  My daughter has been the same for the last three years since she was two.  I've decided it is one battle I'm not going to bother with.  She lives in jeans and football shirts most of the time like her brother.  If I need her to dress a bit smarter I give her the choice between two items.  She will stamp her feet and have a mini tantrum but I tell her it's either that or we don't go out.  It's a shame because, despite me telling her that she doesn't need to, MIL is always buying lots of clothes for DD that don't get worn.  I think it is because she is the only granddaughter.  I went through DD's wardrobe yesterday and ended up taking out dresses and pretty tops that have never been worn.  Fortunately a friend's daughter loves wearing girly things so I know they will be going to a good place.  It made me sad for a while because DD is such a pretty girl (obviously I'm biased   ) and looks lovely in pretty dresses but she hates being told she's "pretty" and wants to be "scary cool" (her words   ).  I had my 13yo neice visit this weekend so I know that this phase will pass and the next phase will be asking her not to spend so much time in the bathroom or wear so much make up


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I'd be tempted to take her out in her vest and knickers!! honest i would, to make the point! it sounds like she's thoroughly enjoying all the extra attention she gets from faffing about, she's worked out it winds you up. I'd give a choice of  2 things, if she kicks off then say thats fine, we've got 5 mins and then we have to go I'm afraid, so if you're not dressed we'll have to go in your knickers. now would you like mummy to help? if no help wanted walk away..shout the countdown of time, when its up, do whats necessary!!
or, if that doesnt sound like something you could carry through..how about a little reverse pyschology and start letting her choose some clothes for you (perhaps make her choose out of 2 choices unless you want to go about looking quite freakish  ) make a bit of a game of it and maybe let her choose a necklace or something and make lots of positive comments about her choices..ooh that goes nicely together..i really like the way the pink goes with the blue etc etc
the other thing i find helps with mine in the mornings is getting dressed before breakfast..they love breakfast and they sure get organised quick if i say theres no breakfast till they're dressed!!
hope thats helpful  
kj x


----------



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi all 

It's funny you say that Keemjay, she refused to wear her coat the other day when it was pouring down ("it's not raining," she said, *sigh*) so I said fine, go out without and secretly put her coat in my bag. She lasted 2 minutes and hasn't argued about coats since.....    we've now started getting clothes out the night before (giving her limited choice but she gets free reign over knickers and socks and she loves her necklace!) If in the morning she decides she doesn't like that choice, then tough..... it's vest and knickers until nursery time... guess what.....? The control is still there (I've been writing in my diary and read back and it's when she's anxious so DH and I have been *trying* to use calming voices and lots of cuddles and she relents more quickly) but the rest of the time she's more or less ok and goes with the choice - no arguments!   

Thank you for your help, all of you! Funny, when we signed up for this, we didn't realise we'd be amateur child psychologists   
xx


----------



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Just to add ..... I do think as well as anxiety she absolutely LOVES attention so by giving her none and remaining calm, this absolutely has worked!

Love to you all and here's to a peaceful day!


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

oh yes you def start to work towards a pyschology degree while parenting adopted children!
glad things are improving  

kj x


----------



## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

every day is a learning day isnt it, being a parent    i have actually done something similar to kemmjay - when my lo wasnt taking her clothes off to put pj's on, i told her that she had til i counted to 5 and then she was going to bed wearing (or not wearing) whatever she had on. since then she races to get pjs on! i do think as well, its a control thing. its so frurstrating but trying to keep calm is the right idea too - sometimes easier said than done, i know. 


hope things start getting easier for you xxxx


----------



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Thanks all - yes every day is getting easier and it sounds funny, but every day we get to know her better which makes it easier......

Hope that makes sense?!

xxxx


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi jitterbug,

I'm quite late to post but I just wanted to say I'm glad it's getting easier   
I can TOTALLY relate with the whole getting dressed thing!! I have the 'getting dressed dance/battle' every day after little man's nap, even when he knows he's off out to somewhere fun (which is normally the case in the afternoon). 
I try to stay calm but inside it gets me sooooooooooooo mad!!!!
Our little Man is only 2 and a half and I have found some techniques that do help, I agree it is totally about control!
When our little man is a bit older I fully intend to follow through (after warnings etc etc) with threats of RIGHT....we're not going then!!!  but atm he wouldn't really care too much and would just adapt to playing inside etc, so the only person it would inconvenience is me (and whoever we were meeting up with). Give it 6 months or so though and it will be.... get dressed or we're not going......, I'm sure he'll soon 'get with the programme'.
Even at 2 and a half though he's soooo strong and if he doesn't want to get dressed and wont calm down it really is hard to get out of the house. As I said, we've found things that work for now but I have future plans in place too as I can see it will be harder as he gets older.

I have to say at this point, have any of you seen the Michael Mcintyre sketch about having children and how people without children just don't 'get' how hard it is to get out of the house and even to get a lo's coat on etc!!!    
OMG...I don't think I've laughed so much in a long time, it's sooooo funny. Hunt it down and watch it if you can!! (on that note, the one where he talks about appearing on Cbeebies is equally as funny   ).

At the end of the day they are all 'phases' and ultimately just battles for control. As quickly as one battle is won other new one commences  , it's an occupational hazard of having children I suppose. At the end of each day I can laugh at the mini-battles but wowzers is it frustrating at the time!!  
Like KJ said, we will all have the equivalent of a psychology degree by the time they are adults!!!   

Anj x


----------



## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

I saw that Michael McIntyre sketch Anj  . It's great isn't it  . Must see the cbeebies one, haven't seen that one  

Wriggler is good at getting dressed in the morning (on the whole   ), but try putting his coat on to go out and it's more of a challenge as he goes floppy or runs away !

X


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Michael McIntyre sketch 




Laughed so hard my stomach muscles now hurting!

/links


----------



## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

That is hilarious and so so true....

Anyone have the link for the cbeebies one?

I am crying!!


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

It's funny isn't it   

I don't have the link for the Cbeebies one, but he is basically talking about when he did 'Bedtime Story' for Cbeebies.
After watching the sketch we found the actual bedtime story he was talking about on youtube (with the penguin) (he did a few).
Once you've watched the sketch try to watch that too as it's even funnier when you know the background behind it!    

Anj x


----------

