# I want to be happy...



## tracyb (Aug 29, 2005)

Hi everyone,

I normally post on the clomid board but I check in on here too.

I have been having a bad month with clomid side affects (feeling low and moody)  but have been feeling better the last couple of days.  I am due to visit a friend today, for her son's 5th birthday (we started ttc around the same time) and I felt mentally strong enough to go.

Another friend has just phoned to tell me she is pg with her 2nd.  She has been ttc for a while and has PCOS and is supposed to take metformin but hasn't been for ages.  She has irregular cycles and has not been doing all the other stuff that some of us do (vitamins, bms every other day, pineapple juice, cough mixture etc).  I am pleased for her but since I put the phone down, I haven't stopped crying  

I now feel really horrible but it just doesn't seem fair, which I know is a really immature thing to say but I can't stop feeling it.

There have been so many stories in the media lately about celebs who have had babys despite being a druggie, alcoholic etc.  I don't smoke, rarely drink anymore, eat healthy natural food and take vitamins etc, so why doesn't it happen for me

Sorry for rambling on and I am sure I am not making much sense but I just needed to offload some of my feeling so hopefully i can pull myself together and go and see my friend.

Dh is also upset now as he hates seeing me like this and I know he is hurting too but just finds it difficult to show it.  It is only 3 months since our last mc and I don't think we have really dealt with it properly as we were half expecting it anyway.

Sorry for the me post  

Tracy


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## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Tarcy , 
Big  for you hunni , I am sorry you are having a tough time right now .
Sometimes  most of the time we are all silently asking ourselfs why , but 
this all gets much harder when someone delivers their wonderfull news to us .
Hunni , I think its totally normal how you are feeling , please don't apologise
about a 'me' post cause we all understand how you feel and thats what the 
site is for - for support !
Wishing you strength for the birthday party 
Love
Freespirit
x x x


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Awwwww hunnie I am so sorry you are feeling so low.  Don't apologise either ok, you let off as much steam here as you want and its not silly what you are feeling, it is what we have all felt   I hope the day got better for you


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## tracyb (Aug 29, 2005)

Well I went to the party and I was very smiley   and happy  .  But when I left I just felt relieved that I didn't have to "act" anymore.  I had a little cry yesterday morning with dh but I was ok the rest of the day.

But today I feel worse than ever!!!  I just feel so upset and it is so unlike me to feel like this for this long.  All the work I have been putting into ttc, it just makes me think why do I bother??!!!!  Maybe I should just hit the gin, start smoking and take some heroin  OK maybe a little extreme, but I am sure you get my drift  

Anyway I had better pull myself together soon.

Thanks for listening.

Tracy xx


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## sweetpeapodder (Feb 6, 2005)

Tracy please don't be hard on yourself - it isn't that long since you lost a little one and that can take time to deal with and can surface into other feelings - be gentle with yourself and if you are still feeling really low and tearful, maybe you should speak to your GP?


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## freespirit. (Nov 24, 2004)

Tracy hun , 


tracyb said:


> All the work I have been putting into ttc, it just makes me think why do I bother??!!!! Maybe I should just hit the gin, start smoking and take some heroin OK maybe a little extreme, but I am sure you get my drift


I know that feeling soo well 

I am also getting ready to start acting really well when I make my return to work next week ( If they would sack me )

Just wanted to let you know you arnt alone with these sorts of feelings hunni .

Freespirit
x x x


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Tracy its not been long enough for you to be able to jump back on the horse of life fully recovered hunnie so please do not be too tough on yourself.  Youare going to have many more ups and downs but do not rush this process of grieving and dealing with what happened.  We are here for you .  It is totally annoying but time does heal - trust me.


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## tracyb (Aug 29, 2005)

Thanks for you kind words.

I am feeling a lot better today and I am nearly at the end of this horrible cycle of 100mg clomid.  It really has been the worst one ever!!

I will be back to 50mg from next month, which I can just about cope with.

Love Tracy xx

P.S. Nikki, I have sent you a PM


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Tracy glad you are feeling a bit better hunnie but here for you if you need me.  Thanks for the IM hun


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## buba (May 22, 2005)

I had my second miscarriage 4 months ago and I feel exactly the same as you....very bitter and angry as i'm very healthy and sensible!!!! I can't understand why it had to happen.  I just want to be happy as well.


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