# grandparents



## Jo09 (Oct 12, 2009)

Hello all 

This is my first post on ff for a long time. after years of failed ivf me and my dh decided to pursue a family via the adoption route and we were quickly matched with our dd and ds who have now been home 6 months. It was pretty much love at first sight for us and during the honeymoon period they were perfectly behaved which we knew wouldn't last   Then when they settled in they became normal toddlers with all the naughtiness that entails.

But recently I've been feeling really insecure to the extent its keeping me awake at night. They are both becoming very close to my Dh's parents who have them for a couple of hours twice a week. this is a good thing as my dh's parents are lovely and I need a break. 

but my dd's behaviour gets me down when she returns. I know it might be separation anxiety or just a common thing people with birth children also experience but I worry she will end up more attached to her grandma than me because I'm always the bad cop trying to set boundaries and grandparents are great fun. Don't know if I feel this insecure just because I'm not birth mum. Never felt insecure before in any relationships.

When I'm with her at grandmas, I see both dd and ds doing all the things I stop them from doing at home and I'm convinced dd does them deliberately when I'm there as much to say 'look I'm doing what you say I can't'. Its the look in her eye and smirk that riles me but the books say they are not as manipulative as you suspect. She can also refuse to give me a hug after a visit when she is usually tactile , won't do anything I tell her and wants grandma to do this that and the other for her .i don't get any of this from D's. Maybe its an age thing.

I have discussed this with dh and whether we should ask his parents to impose the same rules but we decided against this as grandparents ought to be able to set the rules in their own home and commonly spoil their grandchildren/are a bit more relaxed. I wonder whether we are being too strict 

Just wondered if anyone else is worrying along these lines and whether it gets any better as time ticks on?


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## ayah (Dec 18, 2013)

Jo09,

First congratulations on your toddlers.  They do sound lovely.  Then it all sounds very normal to me,like you say grandparents do get to spoil there grandchildren.  And great grandparents spoil them even more!  My DS gets away with everything at his great grandparents.  I dont even recognise how leniant my granddad is with him   .  Whats more is parenthood and I believe motherhood even more is full of insecurity, questioning ourselves.  Toddlers do test the boundries, not manipulation just making sence of the world and what is and is not OK.  You sound like you are doing a great job and descussing with DH and feeling you parents in set can set there own rules too.  Home needs to be strickter I think.  They are there more and need to learn boundries that will set them up for life.  Grandparents can be a place let go for a bit.  My DS is my birth son.  

Hope there is some reassurance in there.  

All best Ayah xxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

When I first let my mum watch my LO for an hour or so or if he spent longer periods with DH then he could get quite rejecting if me (still can when he wants to play it up). It's a lot to do with the attachment stuff and it gets easier when they get more settled.

Yes I get your anxiety and not wanting to spoil your Los relationship with GPs but I'd be using resources etc to get them to see you need a good bit of consistency with rules etc. if also be asking if they could maybe take them out rather than watch at their place, to try and avoid one set of "house" rules being different this early on. 

I didn't let anyone watch my LO til he'd been home for about 9months and always in his own house with the rules to be adhered to. The GPs don't always keep to this but I make sure LO knows and I reinforce the rules. It's worked well here although lil man can sometimes play us but that's normal. There are a few of us that have had issues with GPs at times.

I think (for me anyway), we can be sensitive as we've longer for our children and the bond is hard earned rather than a natural build up through pregnancy and birth. The GPs want to help out instantly but we want to ensure the trust and bond is there before letting others in. But there's a bit of understanding from both sides to ensure it works.

I hope this helps. I'll try and find a few other threads that may be useful for you too.
X x


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Hi Jo   Phew, I'm glad it's not just me and my two - though very sorry that you're having to go through this! DH's parents are lovely and do so much for us all, but I also feel quite envious and worry that my kids will like them more than me - especially my DD who ADORES her granddad. 

My two are also naughty during and after visiting grandparents and are allowed to get away with a lot more with them than they are when it's just us. DD (16 mths) will cry and have tantrums over the tiniest of things. DS (2yrs3mths) will just test our patience and try all the things he knows he's not allowed to do. 

I agree that grandparents should be more fun and relaxed, but if they're seeing them very often it may be good to have a few ground rules in places - particularly if there are issues you really feel strongly about and really enforce at home. We were all at grandparents the other day and I made my DD stop climbing the stairs (they STILL haven't got a stairgate) and went to sit down to finish my dinner, when MIL got up to go and help DD climb the stairs! I had to tell her off for that one, as I'd JUST told DD not to do it. Plus she doesn't understand then why I won't let her climb the stairs all the time at home. The other thing I asked her not to do is say, "Don't do that or Mummy will shout/be angry". If she doesn't want the kids to do something, she shouldn't blame me for it.  We did try putting down a few more rules at one point, mainly around feeding/caring because our DD wasn't attaching to us as well as we'd hoped, but they were only followed for a week and then ignored - so it's easier said than done  

I also end up feeling a bit pressured to spoil the kids after any prolonged grandparent visits, as I'm so reluctant to be the bad cop and it really hurts if either of the kids ask for a grandparent or if DD pulls away from me to go to one of them when I'm carrying her. I'm not sure if I'm helping or hindering the behaviour issues by doing that though...probably hindering as I'm not being consistent   

I think as adoptive parents, it's partly because we're still in the process of bonding/attaching and I wish we could have done that alone for a good 6 months or more before introducing them to anyone else. Our two have been home 5 months now and met grandparents after just a week as DH and I both got very nasty sick bugs and we needed some support. 

The thing that helps me is to remember how fortunate I am that they do love them so much and have accepted them completely as their own. My own family haven't shown nearly as much interest, so I am very grateful to in-laws for being so involved, even if I do get very jealous and anxious about it at times. 

Anyway, sorry there's not much advice there - but just wanted to say you're not alone and I'm pretty sure the behaviour is fairly normal. Hopefully it is just a phase or age-thing! xxx


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