# Help Lovely People! - Weekend/Evening Disruptions



## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Ladies, I need your wisdom!!  Any insights, advice, strategies welcome.

We have a good routine going now, Bluebird is sleeping well and his tantrums are much less, we've got a good system worked out with the dogs so that mostly I keep them apart until he's older and understands more about how to treat them etc etc...

However, on an evening when DH gets home he turns into meltdown child!  Same on weekends.  Bath times for DH are fractious as BB wants to continue play with Daddy, not go to bath and bed, plus he's getting tired.  He whinges, cries, has tantrums, almost as soon as DH walks in he changes into a different boy!  Same happens on the weekends. Yesterday was awful, they went to sport tots group but were back early because BB had a massive tantrum and DH is refusing to take him back.  Then all day he cried, whinged and generally behaved badly (BB, not DH... ) and made the day miserable.

I think I know why, he loves having his daddy home but he gets over excited, wants his undivided attention and also hasn't learned yet how far he can push DH whereas he and I are together all week and have got into our routine, he also knows when mummy says no, she means it and things like whinging don't get a reaction.  He's pushing DH to try and get his own way constantly but it means they don't have nice quality time together and weekends are just a huge round of tears and tempers!!  

I have to say, I've got a cold and stayed in bed this morning and apart from BB crying when DH wanted to change his nappy first thing (again, not behaviour I get during the week) they've been ok, they've now gone out to DH's brother and his kids for the morning after having a nice shower together (BB constantly asking 'Where's Daddy's bits?  Wheeeerrrre's Daddy's bits??'  lol  The kid's obsessed) and I'm chilling with a coffee, just about to have a shower and then take the dogs out in peace.  I wonder if by Sunday he's got more used to having Daddy home but of course tomorrow is Monday again...  

So, what am I asking?  Not sure really, wondering if others have similar issues?  How you cope, how do you get your babies over this little hump?  I guess he'll get more used to the work routine eventually, he's been with us for nearly 11 weeks now.  I was actually thinking it might be easier if I were a single parent!  (I'm joking, not on this earth would I want to be doing this on my own).


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

I know what you mean about thinking it would be easier being a single parent!!!
Our son was 6 when he came home, gradually over the last three and a half years his and hubby's relationship has detererated badly, to the point where DH, was going out to work before he came home to avoid him, spending a lot of time working over the weekends, and if I'm honest, I found it much easier and encouraged it, it was a relief when he wasn't around.
We have so made a rod for our own backs, our son has severe attachment difficulties, underneath what he was craving was attention from DH, he would get it in anyway he could, mainly winding him up, to which DH played into his hands brilliantly by reacting everytime to his bad behaviours, it got to the point where it was like world war 3 every time they were together.
The other thing we found was that even though we had been married almost 25 yrs when DS came home and thought we were very much together we both had very different views on parenting which did not help at all.
Over the last few weeks we have made a made sure that hubby has been here every night when our DS has got home from school, DH has made a huge effort not to react to anything that has been thrown at him, very hard when you are being called everything and insulted with extremely vile things. even if it has only been for half and hour, he has been here.
Hubby has just gone to work and said goodbye to DS and for the 1st time DS said to him bye, love you.
I Have had about 10 texts of hubby in the last half hour all saying, he loves me.
Suppose what I'm saying is our children are not easy, they take a lot of work, but one simple little thing can make all the rubbish we take so worth while, properly have not helped at all but virtual hug coming your way {{{}}}


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Miny, that does help, a lot.  I've been telling DH not to react but he always does.  Sounds like you've had a bit of a breakthrough! 

I just had my own meltdown, I'm sorry to say I screamed at BB in absolute frustration!  Mainly I was frustrated with DH but took it out on BB because he was crying (not upset crying, 'angry because I can't have my own way' crying), poor boy then got carted off to bed but was asleep in seconds, he's obviously over tired, that wasn't helped by our handling of the situation (him wanting fruit and crying/tantruming to get it rather than eat his pasta).  Normally we don't have fights over food but DH made the mistake of getting the fruit out the fridge before he'd had his lunch, that combined with BB playing up to DH anyway caused us all to meltdown and now I feel hugely guilty!  Going to have to give him a massive cuddle and appologise when he wakes up.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey MAK,

Yes we've had this. Funnily this started getting worse about 6months in. For us, lol man had done this with me in the first few months - effectively I couldn't do anything without him being the focus. When LO started this with DH, I just had to let him come round to what I was saying. DH spends a lit if time with LO as he works from home but even with that LO would be fine in the morning but as soon as daddy was near he just whined at him and wanted to control the play they did - basically get pushed about on a toy car.

My advice to DH was for him to Molly coddle him a little by spending lots if 121 with him but engaging etc rather than LO just playing alongside together. I put the toy car outside so he couldn't see it, then I went out & left them to it. Sunday mornings are the boys' time together and over the last few weeks this has greatly improved. I would ask DH to persevere but he's maybe right about clubs n stuff until BB feels he's had enough of daddy only. 
HTH
X


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Sorry to hear that things are tough at the moment.  We went through a phase of horrendous weekends and evenings which lasted for a few months, and it was awful.  Hubby clearly just didn't look forward to coming home and as a result came home in a terrible mood, and already on the defensive.  Just a few thoughts, not in the best order...

I know it's really hard, but reacting (or overreacting) will definitely make things worse.  He doesn't see Daddy as much, maybe he still feels like there's a lot of testing to do there, is he used to someone in the house going out to work when in f/c?  If not, that can be really hard for you kids who don't understand why a parent has to go out and work and feel like they're being left.

The only answer to this sort of thing is to stay calm, and just correct, and move on.  Things like saying he's not taking BB back somewhere are going to create a strong shame response, and when a child goes into this it becomes a downward spiral that's hard to break out of.  The more he feels he's bad, the more he will act it, the more he pushes buttons and gets a negative response, the more he feels he's bad.  I've got stuck in enough days like that with Wyxling that I know how hard it is then, and how much energey it takes to break the cycle.  Especially for young children with some issues, in their eyes, they are the behaviour.  He's also far, far too young for long term consequences.  If Wyxling really is playing me up so much I don't feel like we can get past it and have some good time the other side, I do sometimes bring her home from groups, but always on the basis that I can see she's just too tired to enjoy it, and we'll come another time when she's feel better.  It's never a punishment.  We'll go home and do something nice with just the two of us instead.

My husband struggles to stay calm in the face of revolting toddler behaviour.  He doesn't blow up, but he gets very cold and stern with Wyxling and it just doesn't work.  Luckily, he doesn't get most of it in our house, I do, because when he does we just end up with a complete disaster and I've had to just take Wyxling and get her away from him a few times because he gets locked into a really childish battle which he can never win by beating her at her own game of stubborn and sulky!

When BB isn't getting his own way, try to get DH to move on to something else.  It's really easy to get into the argument about why they can't have their own way, and at this age, it's not the issue.  Once the decision has been made it doesn't need to be justified, that's that, he can have a cry, whinge or a tantrum if he wants, but if DH has moved on to something else and stays upbeat but calm, then he'll learn he's not getting a response and eventually, stop trying so hard to wind him up.  That's the theory anyway, it kind of does work.

Also, getting DH to take the lead in what they're doing will be much better if BB will let him.  It allows him to set the pace, and any cooperation that he can get in play helps with cooperation in other areas.  It gets BB used to the idea that this adult being in control is OK.  When he starts to go a bit funny, it's normally time to move on to something else.  Have you looked into any theraplay ideas at all?  If BB will cooperate with DH - or with you for that matter - it's a really effective and fun way of playing that leaves the adult in control.  Also, just little things, like if he's having treats, let DH give him them, but try and sit him on his knee and share them together.

I hope you manage to get some decent time soon.  If DH is at work tomorrow, maybe he can try and come home and make a really big effort.  I badger my husband about this loads.  He comes in some days in such a meh mood.  I always tell him he should come home and go straight to the kids and show them how pleased he is to be home to see them.  A bit of energy at the start of the day or just as he gets home from work can save loads of problems later on.

Best wishes, and if you want to chat, just give me a poke.  

Wyxie xx


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Hi, Im aiming for a quicky response here  

I've scanned the other replies and I'm sure you've got some good advice there. I think we've all experienced it. We Deff did, Poppet suffered separation anxiety when Daddy went back to work and she was high as a kite when he returned. Weekends were just a constant battle as she was always over excited and attention seeking and would regress a bit more as well. Things have improved greatly with consistency and good old time. There's still glimpses of it but you know what . . My friends with birth families say they go through exactly the same. So to some extent it's normal toddler behaviour just heightened a little due to adoption anxieties. Kids love their daddies and will do everything to get their attention ALL the time especially when they go off to work most days. I see poppet try things on with DH that she did with me months ago and doesn't bother now coz she has learnt it doesn't wash, their relationship is different and almost delayed slightly in comparison due to DH spending less time with her due to work. 

I'm sure it will improve over time, give yourself a break over reacting to LO, we've all been there   xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Just to add to what Poppets Mammy has said, my sister's LO is just the same now with Daddy now she's 2.5 years old. She's been with them since she was practically newborn and definitely doesn't have any issues to speak of, she just wants Daddy. She gets hysterical when he goes to work or goes out and has for a long time. My LO is 12 weeks in to placement now and just starting the same, but more low key, daddy behaviour. He's been having to put her to bed at night as she gets so upset otherwise. He spends a lot of time with her at weekends, takes her out etc. We both have the same boundaries for her so she doesn't play him up yet. On the other hand my BIL is a soft touch and my niece knows it so her behaviour escalates at weekends and when she is told off my her mummy she runs away shouting 'Daddy! Daddy!' who promptly cuddles her


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I think there's some great advise for birth families as well as adoptive families in here!

Well done ladies, I'm bookmarking this page for future reference


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Thanks all, it's really helping, even just to know it's not just us!! 

Today was a case in point! He played up with Nanna, big tantrums, my mum incurred my wrath because she lives in the annexe and when I asked her to leave, twice, as BB was having a massive tantrum/meltdown but she faffed about and stayed and pulled him on to her lap for a cuddle...! She's had time to think this over and has, off her own back, said she will only come through when asked to as she can see her being here can make him worse as he plays her up or tries to play us off against each other.  She can see I get on much better alone with BB.  One battle I don't have to have.  Then, when Daddy walked in we were making our bed upstairs, as soon as Daddy walked up those stairs BB was all smiles then ran off crying, then proceeded to cry/play/cry etc etc until bedtime.  It's like he's tired and supercharged as soon as Daddy walks in.  Poor DH gets frustrated and upset, he's been at work all day for long hours and just wants some quality time when he gets home, this really isn't helping. 

Wyxie, we've not done Theraplay yet but we have a contact at Thinking Allowed the psychologists support unit so I might give them a call, sounds like a really good idea.  xx


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