# Big black cloud



## 555pebbles (Feb 24, 2006)

Hi Ladies
I read all the threads on here and it really helps me not feel alone in all this.
I have just had a friend visit me from the uk.  We had the best week went lots of places went to the city and had fun but I felt like I was miserable trying to pretend to be happy.  I feel like even though I feel I am coping with my feelings I still have something stopping me laughing and having fun like a big black cloud follows me everywhere.
I would love a puppy at the moment I feel it would fill a large void in my life but my husband seems to have every excuse not to have one.
I am like in some other threads finding it hard to make and be around new people as I almost feel I am hiding a part of my life from these new people when I almost feel I want to blurt out.
I don't think I can have kids and I don't think I will ever have a family other than my husband.
Sorry I am just wittering on.
Any advice on how to lift the big black cloud would be much appreciated
love
pebs
x


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Hi Pebbles sweetheart,

Just want to give you the hugest hug honey,   .  From your post it seems you have made that huge decision to get off the rollercoaster - it's the hardest decision you will have ever made hun, you must remember you are very brave and strong! A puppy is an excellent idea - such a shame your DH is against the idea.  If you're anything like me, I would just get the puppy anyway, and bring it home as a "fait accompli".  Even the hardest of males can't resist a lovely little puppy.   

I am moderating this board temporarily hun whilst Astrid is on holiday, and I haven't been brave enough yet to make that final decision to step off the rollercoaster.  We came close to it after last BFN but have decided to save up and give it one more try.  However, all the ladies on this thread are in the same position as you.  They are fantastic and will offer you so much support advice and understanding.  I will also be around all the time in case you ever need to talk, rant, shout, etc etc

Take good care of yourself and DH Pebbles, and good luck with the puppy
Love and hugs
Tracy
xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Pebbles

I wish I could tell you how to make the big black cloud go away but I can't hon. Its very sad because this is how a lot of ladies feel after things have been so difficult trying to achieve their dreams of a family.

The best thing that helped me was (and is) talking about it, sharing what you feel here to others who know how scary it can be to be between treatments or possibly facing the end of the line with tx. As much as you feel you are hiding a part of yourself from other people, take some comfort in the fact that we all recognise what its like to be living life how you are at the moment, and look upon this place as a safe haven where we all get exactly what its like. You can always talk to us here, and you will find plenty of support here too...

IF is so full of so many different griefs, the grief of treatment not working, the grief of our hopes and dreams not being what we hoped they would be for the future... its something that never leaves you but it does help to explore your feelings amongst like minded people.

Sorry that I don't have the answers you seek, but I do understand what its like to feel the way you are feeling hon.

Sending you a massive   and much love
Emcee xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Pebs

Welcome, as the other ladies have said the people here really do understand.

I can relate entirely to coping with your feelings but unable to laugh or have fun.  The thing that helped me move my cloud onto the distant horizon and then gone altogether for increasingly long periods was to determinedly focus on what is good about the life I have, not what was is missing from the life I wanted. 

Easy to say I know but eventually my cloud did shift and I hope yours will too.

Take care

flipper


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## 555pebbles (Feb 24, 2006)

Thankyou
 I am so moved at all your comments and certainely don't feel so alone.
I have sent of for a yoga dvd and am going to concentrate on loosing weight and getting fit I feel I am half way there cause it has been what I have been focusing on lately.
I even said to my DH yesterday while having a fight about nothing just needed to get my anger out that I need some happy pills just got their is no such thing as happy pills from him.  
I also tried to give blood today thought that was a nice thing help others and would you believe cause I am in the states they won't take my blood cause...... wait for it we Brits may have mad cow disease would you believe it I am not joking.
Again thanks for all you kind words. 
 and a group hug for all those going through what we do with the journey of IF.
love
Pebs
x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Pebbles
sorry that i have just replied to your posting!!
Thankyou for finding the strength to let us know how you are feeling. That takes one brave person to be honest how they feel..
So glad that you are doing your bit and donating blood. But my question is please look after yourself, this is a very difficult part of your life. Sometimes i think we forget about ourselves and we got lost in it all and then as you say that Dark cloud comes over.
Its not an easy road and i know that everyone on here will try and help you through these sad times..thank goodness there are gilrs that really really understand..and as you say 'you are not alone'..
Can i ask why your hubby doesn't want a dog at the moment?
Is it because you have recently set up home in Spain?
Maybe thats what you need something to love..? animals give unconditional love and they make you feel that there is some purpose in life when things are not too good...
Maybe he will change his mind when you explain this to him?
Thinking of you pebbles..
love astridxx


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## 555pebbles (Feb 24, 2006)

thanks Astrid
I am in the usa bit far away from spain! and unfortunately a bit far away from your meet up in Brum which I would have loved if I was still in the uk.
Dh says cause we live in an apartment it wouldn't work and it would tie us down.
and we need a garden.
I kind of think he is right.
I was thinking wouldn't it be great if we could blinker tv adds so we don't see all the babies.
But we can't blinker ourselves from the whole world.
love
Pebs


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Aww honey

No we can't blinker ourselves from the world but you know what? There is a little piece of the world right here at your fingertips who understand what you are going through...

Sending you a massive   from us all... I wish you could meet with us too - we will have you and the other ladies who can't make it there in spirit with us though.

You take care sweetie

Love
Emcee x


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Pebbles i just want to send you a big hug and say i will reply when i am feeling better -going thru a bad patch too,mixture of family and feeling inadequate too. Thinking of you tho!!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Pebbles
Umm sorry my geography is alittle bit up the creak..I hadn't realised that you lived in the USA...
As Emcee put it so lovely we are here at the end of your fingertips...
Thinking of you and as Irisheyes says we are sending you a big hug...

lots of love astridxx

p.s what about a CAT?


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