# When does this get easier...?



## Daydreamer88 (Dec 19, 2012)

Sorry, this is a moaning post!! Just need to get things off my chest!!

People keep saying this gets easier (mostly people who have never been through it might i add!!) I have even started saying it myself, I think because I am just getting by at the minute, trying not to think too far ahead (which at the minute is my nurse consultation to start FET) but as soon as I think to the future I am filled with dread, anxiety and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel!!! My mind is in a negative cycle and I can't seem to break it...what if my embryos don't survive the thaw, what will we do if it doesn't work again, how much longer do we keep trying, how on earth are we going to find thousands of pounds to keep funding treatment to get what we so desperately want, how will we give up on our dream if/when it gets to the stage were we have no other choice...? I am just so scared and our failed treatment has made me so much more scared, it feels more real that this might never happen! It felt real enough before   If I do ever get pregnant (  ) I will be so scared of anything going wrong I will be just as much of a wreck!! 

I don't even know how I am going to cope over the next 6 months...in July my brother and his girlfriend are having their first baby-will be the first grandchild for my parents, first great-grandchild for my grandparents and obviously they are all very excited!! It will be my first niece but no matter how hard I try I can't find any excitement at all and I feel awful, I have no relationship and never have with my brother so I can't even manage to feel it for him! I also feel slight resentment as I feel so depressed since our failed ICSI and feel like I need my family's support more than ever and I have been forgotten about in the midst of all the excitement about the new baby! I understand that they must feel tied in the middle of a fertile child and an infertile child happening at the same time but it upsets me that they are not able to find it in themselves to support us both, especially as our paths (with my brother) do not cross very often and never have!   I also have a close colleague/friend at work who is due in July, she has been off 3 months due to morning sickness and has re-appeared at work this week with a huge bump that I just can't look at! I wish them all well and nothing but happiness but I just want to scream THIS SHOULD BE ME & DH!!!! We have been trying for a baby longer than any of these couples have even been together yet we are still stuck here years later banging our heads against a brick wall and it just happens so easy for them (one wasn't planned, the other happened in 5 months) I haven't seen brother & girlfriend since their pregnancy, and we wouldn't have seen them if they weren't pregnant but now my mum keeps trying to get us to go for meals with them all (which we have never done before!!) and I can't face it, I can't look at her huge bump and I am fearful he would say something insensitive- when we announced our engagement he actually said 'well you may be getting married before us but we will have a baby before you do' ...  that is just what he is like, everything is a competition!!  

I now cringe when anybody mentions pregnancy infront of me   I am fine with babies but not with pregnant bellies, am I totally crazy?! But I worry about how I will cope with the new baby in the family, I don't want to upset anyone but I also can't take anymore upset myself I just don't know what to do, I feel like such a mess!!  

How does everyone else cope? Does anyone else cope, or just keep it together as best as you can? 

...and breathe...  wow feels so good to get that off my chest!


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## mutley18 (Feb 25, 2013)

Hey daydreamer88 i couldnt read your post and not reply. This forum is brilliant for getting things off your chest so moan as much as you need. I cant begin to understand what you must be going through, you are not crazy and well within your rights to feel upset. Hope you find the strength to stay strong and follow your dream


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## Daydreamer88 (Dec 19, 2012)

Thank you for your kind reply, and letting me know I am not crazy! 

I just don't feel like myself anymore and hate seeing my DH who I adore more than life so sad too! He is so much stronger than me and he is having a wobble at the moment too, we are wobbling together  ! It is lovely people who help us get strong again so thank you again for taking time to reply to me   xxx


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## Daydreamer88 (Dec 19, 2012)

Also wondered if anyone else feels like they are living in another world looking in on the 'normal world' ... I am struggling to comprehend that people have sex and get a baby   I feel like a different species!!


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## Tiny21 (Jul 24, 2007)

So sorry you are feeling like this but it is totally normal, it really really is. It is such a hard, unfair journey that we find ourselves on. 

I couldn't read and run. I agree use this forum but have you considered counselling, does your clinic offer it? I personally found it really helpful when we were first on this journey and found out we needed donor sperm. 

Both of my younger sisters (who I am very close to and within months of us telling our family our situation) announced their first pregnancies and the first grandchildren for my parents, then to add to that my youngest sister was expecting twins - I couldn't handle this at all and found it really really hard, we don't live close geographically but I found it so so hard speaking to them and we are close. I do feel bad about that time but we were just starting on our journey and had found that we could never have our genetic children and never have children without tx. The counselling really really helped me. I also found IVF hypnotherapy CDs helped me but we are all different as to what might help. How is your OH with it all? 

I used to cry in Costa (for example, other coffee shops are available   )when I saw bumps and things people said I often left rooms, we avoided family get togethers as they were too hard at times - they are definitely harder to deal with than babies for sure. People leaving work for maternity leave etc. was very hard to deal with so you are not alone trust me.        

BTW - my sisters and I are as close as ever and I love my nieces and nephews to pieces but it was still hard to hear my sister was preg with her 2nd, even though by then we were blessed with our little boy and to hear that her DH had had a vasectomy hit hard too. I don't belive it does go away, it just changes and you cope in different ways. 

I sent our families some information from the Donor Conception network and some information about infertility to try and help them understand a tiny tiny bit of what we have to go through but noone ever does unless you have been through it before but I like to remind them of how hard this is for us every so often and that's without even touching on the debt we are in. 

This forum is fab for offloading, I really really hope that your FET is your time xxx

Oh, just read your new post - no you are normal - we do live in another world - the idea of having sex and getting pregnant seems unreal to me too now, tbh sex - what is it!?   Sadly we are different but we are not alone xxx


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## Daydreamer88 (Dec 19, 2012)

Oh tiny thank you so much you have made me feel so much better! I had to laugh at you crying in costa and saying that other coffee shops are available   I cry on the bus ALL the time when I am by myself, I just can't help it!! It is so good to know i am not alone with public crying!! 

It is also good to hear you found counselling helpful, I have an appt on 4th April for IVF counselling at our clinic, I am a big believer in these things but they have such a long waiting list, though it is easy to see why! 

Which CDs did you find good? I am looking at Zita West pre & post transfer, hoping to buy on payday...I have also booked in with hypnotherapist and acupuncturist to help with my mind and of course FET.

It must have been harder for you in some ways with you being close to your sisters.   how did you cope?

My husband is starting to struggle now which is making it harder as he is so strong, I hate to see struggling! I want all this to end for me of but more so for him. I just feel so bad that I can't give him a baby, he doesn't deserve this.

Thank you so much for your good wishes for my FET   I have a few weeks to muster up some positivity in time, just not sure how!! 

Haha yes actually what is sex  another thing IF ruins!!! Bloody thing!! Xxx


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

hi
i know what you mean i feel like a alien in a womans body as all these other women get to have babies yet i feel like an imposter in this useless body, i feel so sad for my dh and at times the guilt is overwhelming at how my damn pcos and immune issues has caused him so much pain as well, we are 18yrs ttc now and it gets no easier if anything it gets harder for me as time is definately running out,

we had planned surrogacy this april in india after 10 ivfs that were negatives and miscarriages, but in typical bad luck fashion for me it got cancdelled because of the irish govt refusing to give the letter we need to get a medical visa but its also the clinics fault as all along they told us we cud travel on a tourist visa. so everything i try turns to dust,

i hate how the world resolves around pg women and they are so insensitve like when they are talking to another woman who is married 18yrs and has no babies you would think the ywould know not to go on about pregnancy or babies. but no its everywhere. infertility is a curse and we are such strong women to keep going through this.

rosebud


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## Tiny21 (Jul 24, 2007)

We are strong women, that's for sure   

rosebud - you have had such a tough time too    

Believe me I have cried in all sorts of places and at home loads - adverts, tv progs, the lot, the weirdest things sometimes, even cartoons so it is all normal.  I didn't cope with my sisters at all, I shut down really, because we don't live near we stay with mum and dad when we visit, which is fine and lovely but I even left family dinners as I just couldn't cope. I did email them sometimes to try and explain my feelings and what was so hard, my counsellor really helped at this time. 

So pleased you are going to try some counselling, I am having acupuncture this time for the first time, I think it could really help you, try and find someone who knows about IVF as that helps too I think. 

It isn't anyone's fault, it's just one of those very very crappy random things, be strong for eachother, getting my OH to talk about it is virtually impossible, they don't really know what to say or do I don't think as we have to go through all the procedures and everything, it is hard. 

Good luck with the counselling and other bits, I really think they could help and you will feel positive that you are doing something towards it xxxx

I like the IVF companion CDs, people say Zita West is good too but I really like the ones I use  - Natal Hypnotherapy, they have a pre and post transfer one.


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi Daydreamer, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're feeling like this at the moment   I hope you don't mind me replying as I don't have any real advice for you as struggling so much in a similar situation myself, but I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you're feeling.... And it sucks!

We had a positive result on our first ivf last summer which was sadly ectopic.  Our second cycle in Jan was negative and I just can't cope with, nor can I get my head round believing it will ever happen now.  Like you say each stage is such a worry and I feel things are only getting worse, not easier! I also can't get my head around how it ever happens for others when it seems so impossible for us!!! 

What has really knocked me this time though is, like you, my sister's shock announcement!  During our second cycle the day before EC she rang to say she was 'accidentally' 13 weeks! (Not the greatest time to tell us as at that point they were wanting to cancel our treatment and said they wouldn't offer us any more!  Still a bit upset about her timing!) I feel terrible but this has devastated me.  We have longed for this for years but I know that they didn't really want a baby (well certainly not this moment in time) but what tears me apart is that it is due on the anniversary of our loss.  I really wish I could be part of her journey but since our loss it is just too hard and heartbreaking.  Like you, it's my parents first grandchild and it breaks my heart that we are not giving them the first one. I'm finding it really hard to be around my family at the moment and feel I have to put myself first for the first time ever, other wise I will crumble, but then I'm racked with guilt for not being part of their exciting journey like I would be had things been different for us. Since our negative result in jan we said we weren't coping so needed time to ourselves but I think my family think we should be ok now.  My mum even rang up to say I should be there for my sister now.  I hate feeling like this but I just can't bear to see bumps or newborns but I know I will have to some point soon.  It's so incredibly hard and I feel no one understands fully what we are going through. My best friend is also due in two weeks, the same week of our original due date, along with four other friends so I feel I am living in some sort of conspiracy or parallel universe as it's hard to believe this is all happening to us.

Anyway, sorry I have gabbled on.  I'm sorry I have no good advice to help you get through this!  I think we have to do what is best for us as this journey is tough enough, and that doesn't make us bad people, it's just about self preservation.  I wish you lots of love and luck with your next treatment and hope that we both find some positivity and strength to get through this  (we start again in a few weeks too   )   Sending you lots of love and luck, Emma xxx

Wishing all you other ladies lots of luck on your journeys too   xx


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## Daydreamer88 (Dec 19, 2012)

Hi rosebud...I know what you mean about the guilt...it is awful and just another thing on top of everything else!! You are a very strong lady still going after 18 years. We have gone 6 years so far, and at first it wasn't desperate we were just seeing what happened...we have gone about 3 years desperate and that feels like forever so I can't even begin to image 18 years...  and I think you are right, it does get harder...I am just finding that out!! Oh that is awful that your surrogacy plan fell through like that, what is your plan now? You are so right, the world revolves around pregnancy and babies, it is everywhere you look that is why it is so hard to get your head away from it all.   xx

Tiny...I am so glad it's not just me!! It is terrible what this does to us!! Big   over your not coping with your sisters, I have a really strong feeling I am going to go this way too. Did your family understand and support you? My biggest fear at the moment is that mine won't...they are already trying to force situations on me that are just impossible for me to cope with! I am really looking forward to seeing the counsellor next week, I am sure that will help and also help DH get some more things out as he is more closed about his feelings than me. Also really looking forward to the acupuncure, have you started yet? I did a lot of research and finally found the lady who did my hypnotherapy for needle phobia is Zita West affiliated and does acunpuncture and fertility hypnotherapy and I have read you can get a 20% discount off Zita West products from her. She was amazing with my needle phobia and I trust her so that has to be good? Thank you so much again for your lovely words and advice, you are so kind   My DH has started saying the CDs and alternative treatments I want are hocus pocus    think I will have a fight on my hands to do this for more than 1 month!! xxx

ELW7...thank you hun   Of course I don't mind youreplying, I am glad you did. It is heartbreaking to know other people feel the same, but also comforting that it is normal to feel like this and I am not an awful person for feeling this way. I am so sorry to hear about your ectopic and your negative cycle    It is so hard to say strong and sane through all this. You have to look after yourself and give yourself time, it is so easy for people not going through this or been in this position to think when you should be over things...it is so easy for people to tell you how to act, what to feel etc... but they wouldn't know as they haven't been through it!! With being there for your sister...the fact is people are naturally drawn to happy things and pregnant women get a lot of support, I am sure your sister has lots of support already and I am sure she understands, well she should anyway! I know exactly what you mean about living in a parallel universe...this is just not how it is supposed to be!!  Thankyou for sending lots of luck, I wish you lots of luck back and I hope and   that things work out for us all. Thank you so much again for your lovely message, it is so nice to know I am not alone   xxx

Me & DH had a big discussion on Saturday evening and he has said that if the FET doesn't work he wants a break of at least a year, I know after our BFN that the only way I can keep going is by keeping trying, how am I going to live a year without doing anything towards our dream? How will I be able to enjoy it?? He is right though, we come first as a couple and he says since we started the IVF I am slowly slipping away, like it is taking away peices of me...  I just wish I knew what to do!! I know you must all feel the same  

xxxx


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Thank you Daydreamer! I really hope so too   It is comforting to know that we are not alone in our thoughts and that we are not bad people, just human et the end of the day   Fingers crossed for you that your fet will bring you a little miracle and that this next year therefore won't result in you getting upset at not trying, but will be full of busy preparing for it's arrival!    Lots of love and luck, Emma xx


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## Littlecat (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Daydreamer,

I'm not sure I have any helpful advice on the family baby front. I know I'm extremly lucky with my family and closest friends - and I've still never cried as hard as when my little sister told me she was pregnant. We've found ways through it together, but I know how horrible it is (and it still bugs me that she'll be giving me advice when I have kids).

I just wanted to respond to your discussion with your DH. My DH wants kids as much as I do, but he finds it much easier to put it to one-side where as for me, I can cope fine as long as I'm moving forward with it, but limbo just kills me. Although we've been dealing with infertility since 2008, we've only had one round of IVF (and one FET) because my endo keeps flaring up, so we've had long enforced periods of stopping. I HATE it. Anyway, in a fertility counselling we came up with a partial solution. It did help me (and I think if I'd not been struggling with endo pain it would have been more effective) so I thought I'd share it.

Basically, she suggested I did a pleasure and distraction project. This is basically a plan of the things I want to achieve during the time out. For me (because I was obsessed) the starting point for my plan was where do I want to be when I'm a mum. This included things like really being organised with our finances (our spreadsheet terrifies our family but makes a huge difference to our savings), learning more about nutrition, learning to make clothes (so I could make fancy dress costumes and also because I know exactly what I like and never see it in shops), having a fantastic holiday with DH to look back on, learning yoga, learning more about history (my dad knows so much, it feels weird that I won't be able to give my kids the same answers). The idea is to plan it, research it, keep a diary of it, have milestones etc. For me the problem is that my go-to worry is what if I can never have kids, so the idea was to change that to a new thought. Is there anything you have always wanted to do, or a skill you'd love to learn (mine was going to be circus skills, but the endo put a damper on that)

I really really hope that your FET works and you don't need any of that advice.


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## Daydreamer88 (Dec 19, 2012)

Thankyou Emma that is so kind, I really hope the same for you     xxx

Hi Littlecat...than you for your reply. I am sorry to hear your situation   Your DH sounds like his feelings on this are very similar to my DH. I am much more like you, that I can cope when doing something productive. That is really good advice, I was coping really well until first cycle, but this was about 3 weeks after we returned from honeymoon. Before we had all the planning to do for the wedding, hen do and looking forward to amazing holiday of a lifetime with the honeymoon, I had also organised a massive conference that took 2 years to plan and that was over in September...all of a sudden I had more sadness and stress and nothing to look forward to anymore or to focus on. I love baking so I would really like to get better at that and I also want to learn how to make clothes and other little sewing bits, have wanted to do for years. I would also love to loose a bit more weight, I lost 2 stone last year for my wedding but I have put a stone back on due to treating, eating more and exercising less!! I think you are right and this is something good to focus on...we have also decided to move out our flat as a lot of bad things have happened over the past year whilst we have lived there (other than wedding & honeymoon) so will be good to focus on that too. Have you found this has helped you? 

xxx


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## MovingSiren (Mar 17, 2013)

Hello ladies,

Does it get easier? Does it heck? Fortunately for me (and I know this sounds bad but that’s how I feel at the moment) both my SILs don’t want children so on one hand there is no pressure and of course on the other, there is as my MILs would ideally want grandchildren
I am a go getter and have always been able to achieve anything I set my mind to except conception! It makes me feel such a profound sense of failure in myself and I was secretly glad when DH was told he had motility and morphology issues. I felt it wasn’t just my fault anymore and the guilt got easier to bear

I come from a culture where your worth as a woman is completely tied into getting married, having children and staying married! I am so glad I do not live anywhere close to home as I would either have committed homicide or suicide. I get phone calls and after the initial hello, the next question is “aren’t you pregnant yet? What are you waiting for?”
Of course it doesn’t help that other people can get pregnant on demand!
Oh and there is the why don’t you adopt line. The next person that suggests that, I will definitely thump on the nose. People seem to think I have lost all means of thinking for myself now…
The councils won’t even touch us unless we’ve given up ttc for 12 months!
And breathe…

I have decided to return to uni for a Phd this year. Haven’t announced it yet or I will get asked what I want to use all the certificates for and I have the answer to that. I am going to love them bits of paper!

Thanks for creating this thread and letting me rant. Love to you all. We are strong, very much stronger that most women otherwise we would have given up long ago! xx


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## Guest (Mar 28, 2013)

Hi All,

Thank you daydreamer for writing your post!! Im glad (dont know if thats even the right word) that im not the only feeling this way.  I am finding the world infertility/IVF journey quite hard, and it doesnt help some people's dumb comments and the fact its feels like every royal, celebritiy and family and friend is falling pregnant around without a single problem!! 
My situation, we had been trying for 2 years and knew there was a problem because my pcos...Fast forward 3 years, multiple tests and multiple ops and it still feels like figthinh a battle I will never win.  I had 2 ivfs which were unsucessful, last year my sister had one ivf treatment and texted me 5am in the morning with a pic of postive test. I just wanted to curl and cry. Then I find out my cousin is also pregnant and that 40 + uncle and his young wife were expecting baby number too...all these babies are due anytime soon...
Its hard to keep yourself positive and sometimes you need put on strong face to stop yourself from breaking down.  People say with time it gets easier? I sure hope so!


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## Littlecat (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi Daydreamer,

It definitely helped up to a point. There are times when it is impossible not to think about it, but I find it much easier to switch off & focus on other things. Baking is a good idea - we also found that when things got too challenging and neither of us could talk about it, homemade caramel shortbread was the best distraction. I do hope you learn to dress-make, I've really enjoyed it.

We took a break after our first cycle to get married and go on honeymoon and found it easy to put down then. Moving is a good plan - we moved out of our flat last year and into a house (which needs so much DIY) and the stress of moving was a distraction from IVF for sure. The downside is I keep thinking "this is where our kids will grow up". I have got to stop doing that!


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