# divorce post adoption.



## bex32 (Sep 18, 2004)

Hello all x
I havent posted for ages, but have often read where people are in the process. 
Hi Karen hope you are all well, we were placed with our babies at pretty much the same time.
Thought i would update you all on our journey since adoption.

Well xxxx and xxxx are now 4 and 2.5. They are just the best. DS has now settled in well. He was a real handful, we think because he had attachment issues but he is well attached now. He is a a happy boy and very funny!

DD has smiled since the day she came, she is a joy.

Onto the old man! Well sadly after 18 years together he decided 4 months after number 2 came that he no longer loved me and didnt see a future with me and the kids!!!!  I was totally shocked to say the least. He left in October a year later. We tried to make it work but his mind was made up.  So as you can imagine, the last 9 months have been the worse of my life. I have loss my soul mate. I cannot believe how he changed after the kids came. He felt at the bottom of the pecking line he told me! Well 2 kids in 4 months was pretty tough but i thought after all the IVF etc we had been through,  eventually beinga family would be the easy part!! How wrong.

So now i am a single parent to 2 and doing the best i can but its so hard.  I have spoken to our old SW how tells me divorce in adoption couples is higher than with natural children! This wouldnt have put me off adoption had i know it before because i believed we would always be together.  
Anyone else every been through this or finding like not as rosy as they had planned before adoption.
I find the hardest bit, that for years we struggled for our dream and when we got it, he bolted. 

In time i will be stronger,  lucky to have my birds xx
Check in soon

Bex


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Bex
I have no words of wisedom as we are just waiting for approval panel but I want to send you a (((((HUG))))) and say how sorry I am that after all you went through together your DH has changed and left you.  iguess when we look at all we've been through you think nothing is going to split you up but the journey to having children and actually having them is so very different.

At our last HS visit we had to talk about what would happen if we split after adoption and how we thought it would affect the children involved.  Whether what we said would happen in real life is hard to say as how can you really know how you would deal with anything until it happens??

You often hear of men feeling 'left out' when a baby comes along, no longer centre of attention etc and with adoption so much more effort has to be put into making the children feel safe and secure, in building attachments that would most of the time be there automatically.  Some men just can't cope with it and usually don't think of how the woman is going to keep going!

Its good you have your two birds, they will make you laugh when you want to cry  and will give you the hugs you need to keep you going.

Keep talking.
Love
OT x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Becky

It's lovely to hear from you but I am so sorry it is with such bad news.  It must be really hard for you.  I know we have found it a major adjustment going from one child to two.

I've sent you a PM if you want to chat.

love
Cindy


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## Boomerang girl (Jan 24, 2004)

Hi bex I just wanted to say how sorry I am, it must be so hard!

We have just had a traumatic week deciding not to persue adoption for a second child as I have just "outed" myself as being quite badly depressed for the last year- I love DD to bits, but she is hard work and I guess I kept thinking I would struggle through it but I can't anymore. So I will just focus on making our life (Me DH and DD) as amazing and happy as I can with the help now from my gp and some antidepressants and counselling!  I ust wanted to say that you are not alone, it isn't always perfect and I'm so sorry your DH has left - the stress can be enormous.

sending you a hug
boomer


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi, 
Like OT I don't have any amazing words of wisdom to send to you Bex but I just wanted to say that I think that it's really brave of you (and you too Boomer) to be honest about how it's been for you and in a strange way it's helpful to know that things will not all magically fall into place when we get placed! 
I'm sure that both of you will come through these hard times stronger and that things will be on the up again in the future, in the meantime I hope that your littlies give you many happy times and hugs (amongst the mayhem which I assume accompanies little people!).
Love
Viva
XXX


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## bex32 (Sep 18, 2004)

HI everyone.
Thanks for your replies.
OT, thanks for the hug! Miss adult hugs but my birds are making up for it.  xxxx has said this weekend countless times, i love you mummy! and tonight when i put him to bed i said as i do everynight. Out of all the boys in the whole wide world, i got YOU! your all mine! i then pretend to eat him and we laugh and hug!! That is what being a mummy is all about. His smile broke my heart, he laid on his side and the look of contentment on his face as settled to sleep made me realise " im doing ok!" i am his mummy and he needs me.  So starting to realise my worth again after being so low.  I mention about xxxx, because if you had seen him when he first came you wouldnt recognise him.  He sat alone, he didnt like being touched. He shouted. He awoke saying "NO" and went to bed saying"NO". He was a sad little boy, but now, wow he is just fantastic!
BG. I admire your honesty. You have done the right thing.  In time with some help you will feel better but focus on you. The whole adoption process and focusing on the baby when they arrive often means we lose who we are.  Your still there, but it is so hard at times i totally empathise with you. xx Resentment can easily creep into new families, not willingly but it is so difficult at times you start to think am i doing the right thing. In the romantic throws of adoption i too thought, yes 2 will be fine, was i greedy, was it too much. But in the next breath i think my situation may have happened anyway.  I dont resent the kids anymore, it didnt affect my parenting with then but i did fell if only....but that said I love them to bits. Its not them its the change that takes time to adapt to, but in time you just do x
Viva. Thanks for your comments.  I used to think that the baby will be "delivered" to us and away we go, but you dont fall in love straight away, any more than you do with a birth child. It take time to get to no them and they you.  Everyone will be saying, wow how wonderful, which can add more pressure when things are hard. But in time the bond occurs and you click. Now i dont feel the kids are adopted, i dont tell every one, we just live day to day me their mummy and a very proud one.  I am blessed.

DD has just broken her arm, bless her,  she fell out of xxxx's wardrobe playing hide and seek, i tried to catch her but i was under the bed at the time! (that was a good spot!) So we have had a busy time to the hospital and back.  She was so brave and i felt such a rush of protectiveness over her i thought i would burst.  Never did understand the expression, i could eat them up but i do now!  So now she is in a cast from her shoulder to her fingers for 6 weeks.  God is putting me through it!!  We coped, were fine! Thankfully xx
Anyway, i do ramble abit, been quiet for too long!  
Have a good week and will check in soon

Love bex xx


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## sundog (Jun 21, 2007)

Bex. Things must have been very hard for you, so sorry things did not work out as you had planned. BUT, it sounds like you are doing great! What lovely stories about your 2 little ones. I can tell you are a great Mummy. 

Keep on loving all those little moments, and keep coming on here for your adult intervention. Some more 'hugs' coming your way!

sundog
x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

Hi Bex,
Just wanted to add my support and to say I am so sorry to hear about you and DH. You are clearly doing an amazing job as a Mummy, I was really moved by your post! Please take care and do pop in here when you get the time,
Love JD x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

HI Bex

Sorry to read your news.  Its hard to believe it is three years this year since we were both placed with our little ones.

I think having children is a huge culture shock, adopted or not,, but the way we have to do it though adoption is definitely harder.

I think we all have difficult times.  We have argued far more than we ever used to but we are learning to adapt all the time and try to stick to the rule that we have always had of never going to bed on a crossed word.

Sorry to hear that things did not work out for you and DH but the one thing I know from this whole adoption expereince is that it makes you more resilient, so I am sure you will continue to do a fab job with your DS and DD

Good luck
Karen x


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Thinking of you Bex xxx

Laine


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Bex
Your two sound fab and you are obviously doing a wonderful job as a Mummy, you have every right to be proud of yourself as well as of them.  Its great to hear how your son has changed, that is a real credit to you.  Hope your DD mends well, poor girl!  
Keep talking, we're all here for support.
Love
OT x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

bex

even though we have never chatted, i just wanted to say you sound like an incredibley strong and brave woman.

you also sound like an amazing mummy!  

take care of yourself.

love camly xxx


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