# Living Childfree - List of Members



## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

The Living Childfree board is home to some wonderful people....If you would like to join us, please let me know.

Astrid
Bel 07
Chick 66
Dawn J
Juel
Julie Anne
Katie Louise
Laine
Littlest (Sarah)
LucyEgg (Lucy)
Mojo
Marj
Nicky
SAS Jane V (Sarah)


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## sas jane v (Aug 7, 2003)

Hi laine and everyone else

looks like I shall be joining you all on here I think I have posted to many of you before on here and other threads- its a big decision to stop isnt it - will give you a brief hx of our journey for those who dont know me
ttc for nearly 12 years now - unexplained IF or subfertility have had 3 early m/c 3xIUI 6xIVF 2xFET
we took a break 4 years ago after our 3rd IVF and went thru adoption process -sadly because of family problems we were turned down - hence went back on the IVF trail at different clinic.
  We were due to try DE next month but dh has recently been diagnosed with Parkinsons disease and cant face anymore tx so we are now pretty much deciding to stop tx as things are so stressful at the mo...
  initially I felt a huge weight off my shoulders but feeling flat this week (PMT doesnt help here either)
anyway am having some counselling and have decided to go on the Fertility Workshop in London in Feb at least I feel then I am doing something while deciding to stop trying
I realise this is going to be tough but then the last 11 years havent exactly been fun (tho not all bad by any means) and looking forward to some new things in my life - not sure what yet but who knows ?
  hope you are all well and anybody else fancy coming to the workshop - dates are FEB 19/20 have put details on the other thread - scared i will be crying all w/e but hey if it helps it helps


    take care all

      sarah 
p.s.I am Sas jane not Littlest Sarah if anyone confused by two Sarahs on here


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Sarah,

You know you are very welcome to join us.  I will add you to the list!

Have just started a new chat thread for Jan/Feb, so please post your news and if you need support, I for one will be there for you x

Sorry to hear about your dh being diagnosed with Parkinsons.  I am sure things haven't been easy for you.

It ill be interesting to hear how you find the course.  It won't matter if you cry, as I'm sure you won't be the only one.

Laine x


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## Topsy (Jan 18, 2005)

Hello ladies!

I've been reading this brilliant site (especially this thread) for a while now and finally feel able to join in.  This is going to be a long rant so hope you're sitting comfortably...

We've been ttc for 6 years and are pretty much at the point of giving up.  I got pg naturally after 1 year but had a missed miscarriage which showed up on the 3 month scan.  We assumed I'd easily get pg again, but I didn't! We had all the initial investigations and I had a laparoscopy 2 years ago but the diagnosis is unexplained.  We've been thinking about going for IVF for years- we've been on the NHS waiting list for 2 years and recently had initial private appointment at CARU in Bristol (I really liked them).

However (and this is why I've felt awkward about joining the site) the truth is that I don't think IVF is for us.  I sometimes struggle to put my finger on why.  Is it because I don't want children enough?  I don't think that's it as I've always longed to be a mum.  I am very afraid about the procedure itself which doesn't help-I really admire all of you who've been through it as it absolutely terrifies me.  But more than the physical side effects, it's emotional- I can't stand the thought of being in limbo any more and the emotional rollercoaster and all the waiting involved in IVF scares me.  So I'm trying to decide to get on with my life child free.  I'm nearly 37 and have already spent most of my 30s waiting for something-blood tests, a hycosy, the laparoscopy.  I don't want to spend more precious years going through IVF.  However it's a hard decision to make.

I feel guilty for not giving my husband children (although he understands and is brilliant) and for not giving our parents grandchildren (we have siblings but no sign of them sprogging so it looks like neither set of parents will get grandchildren if we don't have any).  My head says that I should give IVF a few goes and then at least I can look back and say that I tried everything.  But all my instincts say that IVF is wrong for me and I believe you should go with your instincts. 

The other week I was having a clear out and found all the pregnancy books I bought during the few weeks when I was pregnant.  I've put them in a bag for the charity shop and, it may seem silly, but it feels like a big step for me to give them away and acknowledge that my life won't include bearing children.  

thanks for reading this.  I hope you don't mind my joining you! 

Love and hope 2005 brings you lots of happiness
Topsy


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## sas jane v (Aug 7, 2003)

hi Topsy - welcome to the thread as a very recent reruit myself (see above) it sounds as if you are following what feels right for you and that can only be a good thing

welcome aboard


    sarah x


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## Marj (Sep 10, 2003)

Hi Topsy

Welcome to this thread.  I hope you find lots of support here.  I've found it so comforting to know that there is somewhere I can come and chat, particularly when it feels like the rest of the world just doesn't understand.

I can relate so much to what you have said about IVF.  The short version of my own story starts with ttc in 1993, followed by fairly basic investigations in 1995, then a laparoscopy in 1998.  All tests revealed nothing more than minor endometriosis, and IVF was recommended.  Decided at that stage not to go for any further treatment, but kept hoping and believing that it would happen naturally.  It didn't.  So in 2003, at the age of 37, decided to give the medical approach one more go, and signed up for a private course of IVF in Feb 04, in the context of increasing FSH levels.  However, when the reality of what I was about to do really hit me, I decided I could not go through with the treatment, and cancelled.  We have been learning to live childfree ever since.

I have also had times where I have thought "Maybe I don't really want a baby if I'm not prepared to go through IVF" and I know some people think that about me.  The physical side of the treatment didn't scare me but I just didn't feel that it was right.  I also thought that I would feel at peace if I had tried IVF at least once, then could say to myself, well at least I've explored all the options, but then where do the options actually end  ?...treatment can be pursued overseas, I could have explored the donor egg option etc. etc.  There seem to be endless possibilities for treatment.

One year on, I don't regret making the decision to pull out of treatment .  Of course, I still feel very sad about the infertility and probably always will, but you have to do what feels right for you.  This will be different for everyone.  

I don't want to influence your decision in any way, but thought it might help to hear from someone who has "been there".


Lots of Love,

Marj
xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

dear all
I find this thread the most real because each and everyone of you have experienced what i could real 'infertility'. When i read each of your stories i feel such sadness and pain that comes from them. I can relate to each and everyone even though our experiences are slightly different we know what its like to feel being childless. We have endured years of infertility some more than others, also endless unsuccessful treatments. It doesn't matter whether you have gone through ivf treatment or whether you haven't its the loss of the years and the heartache of not having our own child. 
We have had to learn and try and accept what is infront of us because the choice of having a family has been taken away from us. I think this makes us strong but i cannot quite work out why we have have to go through this in the first place.?
Even though i haven't given up yet, i hope that i can be a part of this thread because we are nearly there. To be honest never in my wildest dreams at the beginning of our infertility did i think that i would be facing a life without children? 
I hope that i can be of some support to you all, because it certainly isn't easy...
Marj and Topsy i think you are brave and that you made the decision which was right for you both, that takes alot of guts.
Sas jane, you and your hubby have been through alot i hope that there is something good for you both comes out of this.
love astridxxxxxxxxxx


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## Topsy (Jan 18, 2005)

Hi everyone

Thanks for your replies which I read with tears in my eyes!  I can't believe it's taken me so long to post as it's great to have your support.

Marj-I found it really reassuring to read that you don't regret your brave decision a year on.  Totally identify with everything you said.  

Sas jane-it sounds like you and your dh have been through a dreadful time.  I know what you mean about wanting to look forward to new things but not sure what!

Astrid-I'm not quite 100% there yet on the decision not to go ahead with treatment either and also have many days when I still can't believe this is happening to us.  

Better go now as dh wants to use computer

Lots of love to you all
Topsy


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hey Topsy

Welcome to Living Childfree!  It is great to have you with us.  

The decision you have made is so tough but you are with firiends who know you feel and will be there for you.

Please come amd share your news on the Jan/Feb chat thread.  Looking forward to getting to know you.

Laine x


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## lilyanna (Dec 13, 2004)

Hello I hope you don't mind me posting here as I am still undergoing tx, but the posts from topsy and Marj in particular have really hit a nerve and I can totally relate to what they are saying...

I have aggressive endo. I have had 4 operations in as many years and am about to have another one next week. It keeps coming back! I'm sure that next week I'll be lined up for yet another op to excise the endo and adhesions. I have a very good consultant the only problem is that he is so popular his waiting lists for consultation and surgery are ginormous!  While we are waiting to be treated I am taking Clomid. It's unlikely to work, but we thought we'd give it a shot.

Anyway, my point is...18 months ago my consultant told me he thought my chances of conceiving naturally were slim so we were put on the IVF list. My health authority has a 2 year waiting list which means I could be called up in a few month's time. The problem is my gut instinct says I don't want to have it, whilst logic tells me I should.

I am now panicking that we can't conceive naturally and we can't conceive on Clomid and this great monster is lurking in the future. I really want children, but like someone already said I think, well, maybe I can't *really* want them if I won't do absolutely anything to get them. I have had so many operations, and been poked and prodded about so much, I just want the humiliation and indignity to end. I can't bear the thought of all the hormones and the procedure, plus I've been told that where I am referred to is like a conveyor belt, when I was hoping to be treated by people who might care for me as a whole person, not just for my eggs.

I feel so guilty too. I have 3 goes for free, and I feel I would be stupid to turn these down as so many people have to pay. To say no to this might deprive my husband of being a father and my Mum of having the only grandchild she will ever have. I'm tearing myself apart with this, even though I've not even got to the top of the waiting list!

Does anyone know whether, if you ask for IVF to be postoned, you get sent to the back of the queue or chucked off the list completely?


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi lilyanna
I was so touched by what you have written and sort of understand the agony that you are going through. As you mentioned Topsy and Marj may understand your sitution better as they have endured the same or similiar issues.
I do understand the dilemma's of going through tx and know that you can be pulled in so many directions. The thing that maybe you need to address with your partner is where you want to go from here and what are your real feelings on the matters. Once you have addressed these issues maybe then you can start working things out in your mind. It is about taking one step at at time, because i think you have to go through the process of grieving to even reach the other side. It does take along time.
Last year i was in a similiar situation where i couldn't face any more tx and i  went down the alternative therapy route and i found that atlast i am being treated as a person. They have helped me build a positive outlook and now  i have slowly come to making decisions with myself and my dh. Also i embarked on a counsellor who specialised in dealing with women with infertility issues and it was the best thing i ever did. 
The more pressure you put on yourself about conceiving naturally you will cause problems for yourself, it will send you around the bend. Also your life will be taken over and this will only lead to depression and losing some control over your life. Don't worry about making any decisions about the IVF this will eventually sort itself out and when you have made the right decsion you will find  some peace in your life. Try and stop being hard on yourself, you have already been through alot and that already shows your strength of character.
Goodluck it is't easy, but it does help when you start working through these grey areas I have found now that there isn't no stone unturned in my relationship and we can now talk about anything without being frightened what the other one is thinking. I don't feel guilty anymore and neither does he and that is one sure weight off our minds..
Love astridxx


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## Topsy (Jan 18, 2005)

Hello Lilyanna and everyone

Lilyanna, I hope your op went OK, if you've had it by now.  I'm not surprised you don't fancy IVF at the moment after all you've been through.  I do agree with what Astrid said-it is so difficult to work out what you "really" want and what is right for you, and it takes a long time.  I also agree that you shouldn't put any pressure on yourself. No-one says you have to make a final decision now, or until you're ready.

Last year I thought we would be nearly at the top of our waiting list for IVF.  However when my dh phoned up to check (I was in too much of a state even to phone) he was told that the waiting time of 18 months we'd originally been given had gone up to 2-2 1/2 years!  I'm not sure if this happens in other places-I think it might be something to do with funding problems locally, although no-one has ever given us the full story so I don't really know.  Anyway, it might be worth making a phone call to your hospital to check how long your wait might now be.  

Lots of love
Topsy


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