# Adopting (or Guardianship) within the family



## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Hi to everyone on this thread,

I hope that you don't mind my posting here. Seen some old friends already.

DH and I are currently "taking time off from Infertility" and licking our wounds from all the failed ICSI attempts. It is unlikely that we will try again.

Something has come up in my extended family and I wanted to ask the advice of the more experienced people here.

There is a 2 year old in my extended family whose Mother has an addiction problem. The Father has little to do with the child and there is a question mark over paternity. I recently heard that the child has been placed in care as his Mother is unable to care for him. Social Services have asked if anyone in the family can become this child's Guardian.

I have felt awful about this child since he was born as I have seen the disrupted and awful life he has had. The child's Father was also illegitimate and born to a teenage Mother and had a similar awful life. I feel so sad to see the cycle repeated.  However, I have also learned that in my family people can be very selfish and downright nasty at times.

My DH and I would consider becoming the child's Guardian but he is currently living abroad and there will be more than one bureaucratic hoop to jump through. 

I have so many mixed feelings. The selfish ones of course, and the guilt at wanting another woman's child. This would open the huge infertility wound for both DH and myself.  

Does anyone have any experience of this or thoughts. Any advice much appreciated. I feel so vulnerable to be even thinking about this.

with love from,


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## Jennifer (Jul 22, 2004)

Hi Flopsy - I have no experience of this but I just wanted to lend some support and say that you should follow your heart.  That is probably of no help whatsoever but I didn't want to read your post without replying.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide is the right thing for you

Jennifer xx


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Flopsy

Social Services will, if circumstances allow, look to see if the child can be cared for by someone within their own family before considering adoption.  They will assess if this is a suitable arrangement for the child and the family, so as you say a few hoops to jump through.

The section of the Adoption Act relating to Special Guardianship does not become statute until 30th December 2005.  You can get a copy of the act by visiting www .baaf.org.uk

I've never looked on adoption as wanting another persons child more that we would be offering that child a stable home environment that its parents could not provide them.  I also found that becoming a mother healed some of my IF wounds as my ultimate aim was to be a parent.  Yes I will never carry my own baby and nothing takes away that pain, but having someone call me Mummy far outweighs that.

Good luck
Karen x


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

KarenM said:


> Yes I will never carry my own baby and nothing takes away that pain, but having someone call me Mummy far outweighs that.
> 
> Good luck
> Karen x


that made me cry cos it describes how i feel exactly xx


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Flospy,

I have no real advice to give you or experience of this situation.  However, I would go with your gut feeling.  If you and your dh can give this little boy a loving, settled home, then go for it.

You have no reason to feel guilty about your desire to be a mummy.

Love Laine x


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## Blu (Jul 28, 2005)

Hi Flopsy

I have some experience of this from a professional point of view - ie placing children with extended family members.

It is always the view of child care professionals and the courts that a child is best cared for within his or her own family, if not the immediate family, then the extended family.

I would suggest making it known to the social workers, or equivalent, looking after this child that you would be interested in discussing the matter further - you will not be committed to this but at least you will get a fuller picture of what is happening and the plans the authorities have for the child.

This is a huge decision and you and your dh need all the information available before you can make it.

Many authorities in the UK now have Kinship teams, that support people caring for a friend or family members child, so you do not need to go through this on your own. IM me if you want some more information on this.

Best wishes

Ali


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## Flopsy (Sep 18, 2003)

Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice and moral support. We have contacted the equivalent of Social Services in this child's country and await their reply.

I really am so very grateful to everyone who replied.

With Love from,


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## Blu (Jul 28, 2005)

Good luck with it all Flopsy. Let us know how you get on.

Ali


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