# So hard to accept



## wishingwell (Jun 5, 2008)

I have not been on here for ages, but have decided to give it a go once more for I really feel the need to contact those that will never have children!

I am coming up to 40 the end of this year, and am usually surrounded by babies or pregnancies and although we have known for all our married life that we will not be parents - it is still so hard to just accept.

The world is all about having children!  There is no getting away from this!  My husband and me live in France and it just happens to be a country of high fertility rates!

I have also found out that the reason why I am not having a period - none this year, so far - is because I am going through early menopause.  I had to have a small operation last year to remove excess oestrogen from my uterus and it is believed to be causing the menopause!  It feels so strange because I have always been a late developer; I started my period when I was 16 and was told that I was highly fertile!  It appears - not anymore and that is hard for me to take on board!

I know there are tons more suffering and I should feel grateful for what I have, but just sometimes I feel rather sorry for myself!

What does not help is that I just cannot cope with pregnant women!  I feel that I am the only one because when I do encounter someone who can't have children, they do not feel this way, which makes me feel terrible!

There was once a time, where I was working, that one of the young girls became pregnant; it was believed she was infertile.  The whole room just kept talking about it and gave her a book all about babies!  It was asked when i was going to have my turn; I just gave a weak smile and felt like punching out!!!  After this, there were several occasions that I hoped she would trip - how bad is that!!  Yet, when i saw her struggling, I rushed over to help her, but in my head, i wanted to push her!  I hate myself for these thoughts!

Now, year's later, I still have this feeling of emptiness.  Infact, I feel half a woman!  

Just want to know if my feelings are unique?

A very sad member, Suzanne


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello Suzanne

I just wanted to send you a hug    It's been a bit quiet on here recently.  I'm sure you're not the only one, and someone who can really empathise with early menopause etc be along soon.  It sounds like you're in a really difficult space at the moment so I just wanted to send you my love

Jx


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## dhikki (Sep 5, 2005)

Dearest Suzanne,

I totally understand how your feeling maybe not in the same way. I have PCOS and endo. Have been told from an early age i would need help to get pregnant. It has never happened i am now 31, 12 april! 

I hate feeling like half a woman. Until 6 months ago i only had a period or two each year, and now i have them nearly all the time. It is like a constant reminder that my body cannot get anything right. I have had tests,scans but nothing can explain this turn around. the doctor gently hinted it could be early menopause and all she could do was suggest the mini pill, to try and regulate things. I know it sounds silly because i know in myheart i will never be a mother. But if i am on the pill there is no chance or getting pregnant. Who am i kidding. Me get pregnant thats a joke.

I feel so guilty to my dear husband, he is 45 on 31st march and i have robbed him of his chance to be a father. He would be such a wonderful father. He should have found someone who wasn't barron.

I get a knot deep down in my stomach when i see anyone pregnant, i can feel my tears when i hear that someone is pregnant. 

Your in a sad space at the minute, but your not there alone because i too am in that very sad place  

Love always Donna x


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## Shell 2 (Oct 26, 2008)

hi Suzanne
I am so sorry you are so low at the moment believe me you are not alone in the way you feel.......
It is completely natural . We have been trying for 13 yrs to get pg through ivf etc and have come to the end of the road........last month and believe me i felt just like you say, i even find it hard to be around families and felt the same when a best friend was pregnant so please donnot beat yourself up and it is healthy to let your feelings out. This site is excelent and without it and all the support from everyone that is in the same boat i dont honestly know where i would be so dont feel bad for airing your views.
I hope your dark clouds fade but in the meantime just feel the way you feel without feeling guilty and keep writing on here to let us know how you are doing.


Lots of hugs 
Shell 2


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## Chilli Pepper (Nov 11, 2008)

hi suzanne

just wanted to add my support - I completely understand how you are feeling. I have had some AWFUL thoughts about those people around me who are pregnant!! I know I am a good person, so I'm quite shocked when I think such terrible things!
But, y'know, I guess it reflects how massive a thing this is for us.. to be a woman, but not able to have children... it doesn't add up does it?

please keep on posting... if I hadn't had FF over the last few months I think i would have gone mad. we understand what you are going throug

lots of love

jill


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## Montagne (Nov 27, 2008)

Hi Suzanne

There is no reason to feel bad - I too am nudging my way towards 40 and going through premature menopause ( so cruel huh)? and have had thoughts which have made me feel like a bad person. I know really that I'm not bad, just coping with a dreadfully sad thing........Counselling has helped me a huge amount and made me realise that it's OK to feel sad. I have got to the point now where I'm OK with my close friends' babies, but for people who are more acquiantances it's still really, really hard. There is a girl at work who is leaving next week - they had a lunch for her last week and kept asking who would be going and trying to get more people along. I normally just say "Oh, I can't make it but you have a great time". They kept asking if I'd be able to get back in time for it and I just wanted to shout "For God's sake leave me alone - it's great she can have a baby but I can't and I don't really fancy celebrating her impending birth" (especially since she has told everyone that she doesn't think she will love her child more than her dog!!!). Instead I sat there dumbstruck not knowing what on earth to say, feeling like an idiot. Most of them know I can't have children, yet it didn't occur to them.........and that's the thing I realise these days, that if people haven't been here, they just can't possibly know how it is. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it seems that everyone on this board can identify with your feelings and I can say that it does get easier. i was just thinking today that it doesn't occupy my thoughts all the time anymore. It comes back and hits me sometimes, but it's not all consuming hurt like it used to be, so I'm hopeful that there is a way towards a happy life.
Where do you live in France? I lived in Metz for a few years and loved it 
You take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone......

S
X


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## ticker (Mar 29, 2008)

no one really understands how it feels unless its you!  all i can think of is why them sure they are useless etc! its the lonliness that is difficult cause you know this it! although you have a loving family and hubby nothing can prepare for the pain or loss!  maybe if we stay in contact we can help each other! x


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