# Pulled the plug on hope



## Mrs Moo (Aug 7, 2010)

I really thought this time was it, the positivity I felt through my 2 week wait was there and the doubts that I usually have were minimal.  It didnt happen for me and my DH and the feelings we had when we m/c the 2nd time have returned feelings that we were certain we wouldnt go through again.  Now its Christmas and it is the time for joy and happiness and all I feel is gloom and emptiness.  How do we get through this how does anyone?  I'm without the best Christmas present I couldve hoped for and even money couldnt buy it this time for us its never guaranteed is it.  

I dont even know where to begin with my feelings I just dont know if I can write them down as they are awfully cruel sometimes which is why I'm struggling to talk to my friends I know they understand but jealousy and anger does not make me a nice person. It was always going to happen a friend I work closely with getting pregnant with her 2nd child and another one pregnant at the 1st time of trying this was all going on when I was started my treatment. I didnt want to start thinking if this doesnt work how am I going to cope...but now I am here I really dont know how I'm going to get through it, I'm sure I will as this has happened before there is always someone with happy news and it is happy news they are miracles and its what they wanted and I know I should be thinking of me but this is what is now playing out in my head when I wake up, before I go to bed and inbetween trying to keep busy it just gets a hold of me and stops me, then I get angry and start crying. 

I dont know why I felt I could go back in to work 4 days after my otd really thought that seeing people would be ok but I lasted half an hour before I was sent home,  its Christmas after all everyone should be happyI  think I just made people uncomfortable. 

Now life goes on what do we do ...do we pick ourselves up and try our Frosties, this is an option that others may not have but i'm not so sure at this moment in time think its too raw.  It feels like being on the treatment cycle is the safest place because getting off it means its really over but its so emotionally draining, i wont be doing a fresh cycle thats for sure. 

As for now I have to get stronger to get back to work, work!, it couldve been so much easier to face if everything had gone right I wouldve been going with a spring in my step, wrapping christmas presents would have been done with a smile on my face instead my heart is unwrapped and broken.


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Mrs Moo   

I couldn't read and run. 
I don't have a great deal of hope, either, though we're booked in to try donor egg tx. The chronic illness I have is getting worse and it's now possible the clinic may refuse to treat me on the grounds of my health. 
As I was sitting waiting at the surgery this morning, before I heard the bad news, I was passed by Wayne and Waynetta look-alikes. She was double my size and he was obviously not in work or college but yes, you've guessed it, they were pushing a pram.
It's a cruel life sometimes. 
One thing that I find helps is to just write down what you feel. You don't have to show it to anybody but it helps to get those feelings out. You can't help how you feel and I wouldn't put yourself under pressure to feel what you think you 'should' feel, Xmas or not. If that makes other people uncomfortable, that's their problem. 
I'd give it a few weeks before you think about what to do next. Wait till you feel a little better. 

Rowanx


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## Susan01 (Aug 12, 2009)

So sorry Mrs Moo   
I don't know if it's any help at all, but what you're feeling sounds totally natural. I think we've all been there - with the jealousy and the anger as well - and it is ok to feel like that. It must all be so raw at the moment, but it will get easier.


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## felicity0288 (Feb 3, 2011)

Hello Mrs  Moo
I am so sorry for you sadness. I today have also recieved a negative with 3 blasocyst. We have been trying for 10 years and this is the last attempt. It is torture to think about the fact that I may never have the child I want more than life itself. We had a 1 year break and at the end of the year we found peace. We went back to have this ultimate attempt as the cycle before was not the best. Today I also donnot know how I will cope, as you do get on the merry go round and it is more scary to get of than stay in a familiar place. Even though that space may be hurting you. One time I miscarriged and my sister-in-law was pregnat at the same time, she gave me her first scan. It cut like a knife as my child would have been the same age. Every time I see her son it hurts. It is tough but I try to avoid children. I felt I needed to let you know my expiereince as I thought I would never find peace but at the end of the year break I did. This has helped me except the result today although I do cry alot. I hope that you feel better in time.  
Felicity x


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## Always Smiling (Oct 30, 2007)

Hi Ladies,
Just read all your posts and cannot stop crying.
It really really is very tough.
DH & I have come to the end of our road too....10 years and 6 IVF treatments later, no baby. We are trying to come to terms with the fact that we have each other and we will never have the family we have longed for.
I have cried several times a day for the last month....feel lonely, isolated & like a failure......up one minute and crashing down the next. Life is so unfair.
Not sure what to do now, trying to avoid 3 friends who have had daughters in the last 6 weeks.....look at children and think what ours would look like.....
On top of all that the medication has made me quite ill this time round with headaches, sickness, tummy aches and generally feeling very ill.
I really thought it was our turn this time round....a great Christmas present....not meant to be.
I hope time will get us all through this most difficult time....I wish you all nothing but positivity and strength.
X


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## felicity0288 (Feb 3, 2011)

Hi Always Smiling
I am so sad that you are also going thought the same thing. All I can think is that it gets better. Its got too!
Yes the medications really affect me also. The cruel thing is that they make you feel pregnant and this adds more to the loss. I also try to avoid children and every time I see children, like you, think of how ours would look. I have been for egg donation in the last 5 years so in some way I have already let go of the fact that I would not see my genetic baby. Its hard for my husband this time as he has to accept that he will not see a baby with his genetics also. We are thinking of adopion. We looked into it a few years ago and things seem to have changed with the way the system is working. We cannot carry on with the IVF as it destroys your life, as you will know. I hope that you feel better and can get through Xmas without to much upset. Take care!
Felicity x


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## Mrs Moo (Aug 7, 2010)

I thank everyone who has read my post I know this is a place I can come to get some kind of rationalisation as to why I feel like I do and how many are out there who feel this too. I know time heals but at the moment I guess we just have to go with its ups and downs.


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## Beanie3 (Nov 1, 2009)

Hello Ladies

Just been reading your post's and they brought tears to my eyes and my heart. This time of year is so hard and its always so family orientated. Even though it has been a year since our last attempt I still have days when I just want to hide. What hurts the most is people judging because you don't have children. The attitude I get is ha you don't have children why would you want Christmas off, so for 4th year running I have to work.

Don't even come up with excuses anymore as to why no children, why should we have to hide the fact just to make it easier on them.

Sending you all massive hugs at a very difficult time of year         

Beanie xx


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## rosie71 (Jun 19, 2011)

Just wanted to say I'm going through a simliar thing. I sometimes find it hard to see babies, and sometimes hearing of people who have babies not treating them right etc, makes me think why can someone like that have kids but I can't?  I might have the chance of having my sisters eggs or if not a donor, but it's still upsetting that theres not much chance of having my own baby. I always used to stupidly think, I wonder what my baby would look like, whether they would have my blue eyes my hair colour etc. It's so frustarting and emotionally draining at times.


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## happy42day99 (Nov 20, 2011)

just wanted to say i can relate to how you feel so much.

after two failed ivf due to egg problem, and doing ivf same time as work mate and hers worked
was emotionally draining!. she now gone maternity. but often asked myself. . was ivf alone twice not hard enough without putting the curve balls in of a successfully cycle of work collected lol
whatever sort of person you are you are bound to o get upset x

my advice is we gotta come off the gas peddle for a bit cos infertility is
about to break me down, and for the sake of my relationship its time to say enough x x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Mrs Moo

Just wanted to send you (and everyone else on here) big  . This fertility rollacoaster is a really tough one, and knowing when to stay on or get off is such a difficult decision. I also was really positive throughout my IVF tx, and particularly on my 2ww, what could go wrong? No bad signs, all seemed good! So I had the most wondereful Christmas thinking I was pregnant, avoiding all the things I'd been told to as a pregnant woman should, only to get my BFN on the 29th Dec, I was devasted! So had the worst ever start to the New Year. What a magical Christmas present that would have been, and an even more amazing 40th birthday gift as baby would've been due just after my birthday  We've just had the news from our clinic that it'll be no more IVF for us, not worth persuing due to my poor response last time and my dwindling fertility levels - so our options now are donor eggs or adoption. Some tricky conversations lay ahead with DH - but this could be the end of the road for me?! Who knows...

Please don't feel bad about your anger or jealously - both are perfectly normal given our circumstances, and everyone on here reading your post will be able to completely relate to those feelings, and you certainly don't need to worry about making others feel uncomfortable, you just have to think about YOU and as Rowan22 says, that's their problem, not yours.



Mrs Moo said:


> As for now I have to get stronger to get back to work, work!, it couldve been so much easier to face if everything had gone right I wouldve been going with a spring in my step, wrapping christmas presents would have been done with a smile on my face instead my heart is unwrapped and broken.


I can so relate to this quote, I sooo wanted to go back to work with a spring in my step and a smile on my face knowing I'd be a mummy just after my big FOUR ZERO! But no, it wasn't to be. You're post is so moving it brought tears to my eyes as I feel to terribly sad for you and all the others that have posted with very sad stories - life can be so cruel and unfair 

Sending you and everyone big


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