# General Adoption Query



## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear All
I'm feeling a bit confused at the moment.
DH & I have just started looking into adoption. We're still a bit undecided if this is the right route for us, so we thought we'd do some research. We attended an introductory evening run by our LA and had an initial interview to discuss what we had to offer. It seems that unless we are willing to consider adopting a child over the age of 7, a child with special needs or from another ethnic background we have 'very little to offer' them.
Is it us? Are we just hoping for too much? We had rather hoped that out there there is a 'normal' child (or children, we did tell them that we would quite like to adopt a sibling group) of around 5 just looking for a new mum and dad. I know all children deserve a loving home and I know most of these youngsters will have baggage, but am I being inconsiderate or stupid in my reluctance to contemplate an older child, one who's had sxual abuse, developmental delay, 30% chance of schizophrenia, down's syndrome etc. or one from a different ethnic background?
I know I will probably be told by all of you that I'm being a bit naive to think that there are such children out there and that I should just accept a child for who he/she is, but I think that becoming an instant family will be a huge culture-shock in itself without overcoming any other obsticles.
We've written off to 3 voluntary groups as well and we are having introductory interviews with them in February, but are we going to be told the same thing? Maybe I just want a selfish 'easy' life? I'd love to hear of your experiences with all of this.
Sorry if this is all a bit me, me, me and thanks for listening.
Love
EML


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

Hiya EMl and welcome

I dont think you are being selfish or naive at all.  I have not much experience but from reading these forums you are not the only one to experience this from your LA.

I think sometimes they tell you the "worst" to see if you are truly interested.  We are looking for a sibling group aged 0-5 and know that in our area there are lots of adoptors looking at 0-2 single babies and they may have a longer wait.

Have you tried contacting your neighbouring LA's?  I think one of the other girls said you can go 50 mile radius of where you live so may be worth looking into that?

Please dont give up, LA's need people like you and you should not compromise on what you are looking for, that can cause a breakdown in the relationship a few years down the line if you feel you were forced into it.  Be honest and things will work out.

Good luck xx


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Alex
Thank you for your post. I was thinking that it was just me... as you said, maybe it was a bit of a 'worst-case' thing. I might see how we get on with the voluntary agencies (first meeting is in about 10 days time) and then go onto 'phase 2' if we don't get much luck with them. We did write to one agency which was about 40 miles away and were told that we were out of their area, so that put me off a bit, but I will persevere.
I don't want to give up looking into this. We've been through IVF and this can't be much of a worse hurdle 
Thanks for your advice, congratulations with getting this far with the process and good luck with your panel.
Love
EML


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

i am sure you have a lot to offer a child.  We all do and we all want the lovely 'normal' 2 week old baby with nothing at all wrong with it.  Be prepared to ask a few agencies until you find one that 'suits' you and your needs as a parent. Alex is right - they can sometimes give you the worse case scenarios - but often they just need you to know the 'truth' about children in care instead of rose tinted ideas.

however in answer to your questions (puts on flame proof suit)..

many agencies have more families seeking children than children seeking families in certain age ranges or ethnic groups.  My Local Authority are not seeking anyone for under 5s.  We have found a voluntary agency who place children under age5 - but rarely children under age 2.  Another agency was only looking for minority ethnic adopters. So we have gone with the vol org and they have been great so far. I wanted a baby but am willing (and delightfully excited)to give a future home to a toddler. 

Most, if not all children needing new families will have attachment disorders and a high chance of some developmental delay.  This comes from the fact that they have been taken into care for one reason or another - they didn't get the care and attention at a young age; were abused; they were malnourished etc etc etc.  However, 'developmental delay' is an odd term and each social worker has a different view on what it really means - one might mean that they are a bit behind on cognitive skills or are not potty trained at 4 whereas another means that they have an unspecified learning disability.  Some developmental delay can be improved once the child is adopted, settled and able to learn or develop in a stable environment but not all developmental delays can be overcome.  Attachment disorders are a whole other matter.  not going to go into it here but can manifest in many ways which I am sure the mummies on here will explain to you.  

We have said 'no' to Feotal Alcohol Syndrome and Autistic Spectrum disorders....however, we are willing to accept that our future child might have these but that they weren't diagnosed at the time.  But i reckon this puts us in the same boat as birth parents who discover a child's disorders/ illnesses in time - we will cope I am sure.  if you feel that you could not cope with a child with mental health problems or sexual abuse in their past - feel free to say no, but accept that these are the kinds of children out there who are waiting for homes and 'normal' children are far rarer and you may have to wait longer for a child.

Sorry...blethering away now.  hope this makes some sense.

Wishing you all the best in your adoption journey - i am sure you will find another agency that suits you better.  Don't give up hope  - as girls on here can testify - miracles do happen!! 

magenta xx
(prospective adopter)


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

EML

You have to feel that the background of the child is something that you can manage throughout their childhood into adulthood.  It will be you that will have to explain why they came into care and deal with the feelings that they may have about this.

The best example I can give is in regard to sexual abuse.  It is important to say that these are my personal views.  In my eyes, whilst no abuse is acceptable there are different degrees of sexual abuse.  Some I could explain to a child but others make me feel sick to my stomach and I couldn't contemplate discussing it with another adult let alone a child for whom i had parental responsibility.

What I am trying to say is don't let people brow beat you into thinking that that is your only option.  It would be unfair to the child if you had gone into it pressured to take them just to be a parent.

I hope you get more luck with the voluntary organisation and wish you all the luck for your journey.

Karen x


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## molly2003 (Mar 28, 2003)

hi karen and alex i think your wirte in allthis . but i do wonder . adoption is for probblem baby child or children come from in it .but with a sad back ground and there are many. like our liitle 1 special angel 
our little one come from. and so so bad back ground it makes me cry   just to think so bad people out there. but she will be mine and will love to bits for ever and will give her the most best and love in whole wide world. im so gald i came of ivf and started adoption a few  years ago.  it was a lot better for me to adopt the ivf , some people are different.
im reg disabled and it dont stop me doing anything but our little girl when she comes will tell her she has a shiny STAR more than other thats why she is a little more special baby and is called ((adoption)) ..
i can truley not wait for the day to come so many hugs so many crys and so much to take and give her .thats why i ake to see  her . love m xx and bow peep to follow


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

http://www.baaf.org.uk/agency_db/noflash_textonly/frameset_noflash.htm

Here is a good link to different organisations that you can adopt through.

We were told that same as Magenta re children


> Most, if not all children needing new families will have attachment disorders and a high chance of some developmental delay. This comes from the fact that they have been taken into care for one reason or another - they didn't get the care and attention at a young age; were abused; they were malnourished etc etc etc. However, 'developmental delay' is an odd term and each social worker has a different view on what it really means - one might mean that they are a bit behind on cognitive skills or are not potty trained at 4 whereas another means that they have an unspecified learning disability. Some developmental delay can be improved once the child is adopted, settled and able to learn or develop in a stable environment but not all developmental delays can be overcome. Attachment disorders are a whole other matter. not going to go into it here but can manifest in many ways which I am sure the mummies on here will explain to you.
> 
> We have said 'no' to Feotal Alcohol Syndrome and Autistic Spectrum disorders....however, we are willing to accept that our future child might have these but that they weren't diagnosed at the time. But i reckon this puts us in the same boat as birth parents who discover a child's disorders/ illnesses in time - we will cope I am sure. if you feel that you could not cope with a child with mental health problems or sexual abuse in their past - feel free to say no, but accept that these are the kinds of children out there who are waiting for homes and 'normal' children are far rarer and you may have to wait longer for a child.


Children do not get placed without going through lots of traumas in the main so they are all going to be damaged to a degree, but that degree can be very slight. We were told that a child could be classed as slightly disabled but that might mean that they needed glasses or a hearing aid - a "disability" that could be easily rectified. The agencies have to cover themselves by how they word things. We were told to read between the lines. If problems turn out to be "not very slight" after all and you find all sorts of problems there is lots of after adoption support available. Also you get a few months after placement and the child comes to live with you, before you can apply to formally adopt. If, in that time, you realise that this child is not for you, you can always decide to call a halt to the adoption. This would be traumatic but better than adopting a child that you were not sure about.

All the best

Jennifer


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

What about this one? Seems to cover large areas and they are actively looking for people who want to adopt children over the age of 4.

The Adolescent & Children's Trust (TACT)
The Adolescent & Children's Trust (TACT) Logo
The Courtyard
303 Hither Green Lane
Lewisham
London
SE13 6JT

Telephone 020 8695 8111
Fax 020 8695 8141
Email [email protected]
Website www.tactfostercare.org.uk



> *TACT is keen to recruit adoptive parents from a wide variety of backgrounds .........., (wishing to adopt) children over 4 years of age, brothers and sisters,*


 and children with disabilities or from ethnic minorities.

Contact us at:

TACT Head Office, The Courtyard, 303 Hither Green Lane, London SE13 6TJ HR and Accounts department
Telephone: 020-8695-8142

TACT London office - Regional Manager Mary Griffith-Jones / Area managers Beverley Crisp and Katie Day, The Courtyard, 303 Hither Green Lane, London SE13 6TJ
Telephone: 020-8695-8111
Email: [email protected]

TACT Birmingham - Regional Manager Sonia Bolland / Area Manager Beverley Pickering, Radio House, Aston Road North, Aston, Birmingham B6 4DA
Telephone: 0121-260-0518
Email: [email protected]

TACT Bristol & South West - Regional Manager Dot Jones / Area Manager Elaine Graham, Room 207, Park House, 10 Park Street, Bristol BS1 5HX
Telephone: 0117-915-4543
Email: [email protected]

TACT Cymru - Regional Manager Dot Jones / Area Managers Mike Anthony and Chris Morgan, 20 Victoria Gardens, Neath, South Wales SA11 3BH
Telephone: 01639-622-320
Email: [email protected]

TACT East London - Regional Manager Mary Griffith-Jones / Area Manager Charmaine Hodge, 2a Thorpe Road, East Ham, London E6 2HA
Telephone: 020-470-2088
Email: [email protected]

TACT East Midlands - Regional Manager Sonia Bolland / Area Manager Belinda Clark and Barbara Taylor, Armstrong House, 27 Station Road, Kettering, Northants NN15 7HH
Telephone: 01536-411410
Email: [email protected]

TACT Kent - Regional Manager Mary Griffith-Jones / Area Manager David Bradley, The Old Engine House, Goblands Farm Business Park, Court Lane, Hadlow, Tonbridge, Kent TN11 ODP
Telephone: 01732-853153
Email: [email protected]

TACT North West - Regional Manager Sonia Bolland / Area Manager Janice Rutherford, Century Buildings,18 Tower Street,Brunswick Business Park, Liverpool L3 4BJ
Telephone: 0151-707-9968
Email: [email protected]


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## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Thank you all for your comments... I was worried that I would sound like a complete b!tch for being so picky! I'm sure that there is someone waiting for us out there and I'm sure that once we meet him/her it won't matter (to us) what they've been through or what their difficulties are as we will overcome them as a family.
Thanks to Jenifer for the contacts and to everyone who gave their thoughts on this subject.
Kind regards
EML


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