# Smug parent... or am I being really mean?



## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Ok, grumpy old woman moment coming up.  

Today I went for my free counselling session at the IVF clinic (hmm, the only thing that is free) and what did I see the second I walked into the waiting room? Two women bouncing a very new baby around and whooping and cooing so loudly while looking around at us all, they were clearly trying to catch the attention of any poor soul trapped in that room so they could be warmly congratulated.

Well, I couldn't even bear to look at them. But whilst I felt angry and irritated by their lack of sensitivity to the rest of us in that room, I also felt I was being utterly pathetic by not at least managing a smile in their direction. After all, this couple (or woman and her friend, who knows) were clearly there waiting to see their specialist to show off their new baby, and it could only mean the baby was the result of IF treatment. Really, these women were no different to me, they had needed help to produce their baby, and yet there I was still feeling as mad as hell at their happy little display.

Now I hate ridiculously fertile smug new parents, being that I am rather bitter and twisted about what's happened to us, and considering it is only two weeks since my last miscarriage. And I certainly could do without being confronted by new babies and the happy family scenario while I sit waiting for a counselling session about not being able to produce a baby of my own. But to feel so bitter towards fellow IF patients who have had success..?

Should clinics be a bit more sensitive about this? Should new parents be more aware when they come back to the clinic? Or is the problem all mine and I should just get over myself and stop being so horrible? 

Oh dear, I feel like I stooped to a new low today. Actually I feel pretty disgusted with myself. And just as I thought I was turning a corner with this.  

B xx


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

NO NO you are not mean - the clinic is in the wrong.

Please accept this hug Bandicoot  

In my humble opinion this situation should not be allowed to happen in an IVF clinic.  I know this did happen when I was going through treatment too with our clinic, when all the nurses came out into the waiting area to cluck around the baby.  Of course that is the whole point of having IVF to produce a baby but I do think this could easily be arranged out of hours as women trying to conceive with IVF are at the height of their most vulnerable time - especially if, like you they are going for councilling after a m/c!  My God why couldn't they see couples and their babies for 10 minutes after all other appointments have finished or before surgery?  It is common sense for goodness sake ...

You are not in the wrong for feeling like you do - you are just hurt and this really does not help but I hope my post has just a bit.

Hopefully your 'smelly' boys (the dogs!) can give you a little cuddle Bandicoot as you need it (hope that raised a smile....)

Seriously sorry this happened Bandicoot

your friend Pipkin xxx


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## Charlies-Mum (May 25, 2005)

OMG how awful for you.  Sending you a big 

Even though I'm now heavily pregnant I still can't stand to see 'smug' parents (I am working very hard not to become one myself) and can't believe the Clinic would allow them to do this. At woking I believe they ask you to come in on a day when they only do BFP scans (i.e. those still TTC are not around) which makes much more sense to me.

Have you thought about telling your clinic? It may be that they are not aware....

You're not selfish hun at all and we all understand where you are coming from 

Deb


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Bandicoot   I understand


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## Karen-C (Sep 22, 2003)

Hi hon

I 100% understand where you are coming from but also being someone who has now got two precious boys from IVF I also understand the need to perhaps "show off" a bit tho I would never be so insenstive to take my boys anywhere where it might cause someone upset. I have wanted to take my boys into the Royal Infirmary where I had my tx and show them off to the fabulous nurses who made them happen but I appreciate, cos I've been there myself, how it could affect those waiting for scans etc and how upsetting it can be to see babies when you are going through tx yourself.

I always remember when I was going through my second m/c and was asked to come to docs surgery to get bloods done and they told me to come on a Tuesday morning .... baby clinic morning!  Well, I sat there having to watch all the mums bouncing their bundles on their knees and probably wondering why the miserable old cow in the corner wasn't looking at their precious babies and cooing, so I know exactly how you felt hon.

It's very difficult but perhaps they should have two separate clinics as I feel tx is hard enough going without having other peoples babies shoved in your face.  I know I hated everyone with a baby when I didn't have one (I know that sounds harsh but sad to say true).  I also felt disgusted with myself for the way I felt but hey, truth hurts eh and why lie.

Sending you a big hug hon and I wish you all the best.

Take care

Love

Karen xxx


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## s.a.f. (May 20, 2005)

Yep - Have experienced this too. 

I sometimes wondered if the clinics do it deliberately - to show off their successes in order to persuade you to have another go with them ??

I used to hate seeing all the photos of babies plastered all over the walls of the clinic (I used to hate it even when I was in the middle of treatment) - again I'm sure this was to show off their successes. Perhaps they feel that it is encouraging ? It didn't have that effect on me, it just made feel more upset.

What we really need is photos of people who have not been successful with treatment but have still achieved happiness - now THAT would be inspiring !!

S.A.F.


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Bless you Pipkin for your empathy and support, which has just made me weep.

Deb, thank you, too - you are wonderful to post about this while you are heavily pregnant and  may have felt like telling me to get stuffed! I wish you nothing but joy for the remainder of your pregnancy and birth of your baby.

Elaine, and in fact everyone, I feel the need to make it abundantly clear that my issue is not with us IF girls falling pregnant, my god that's what we all want and bloody well deserve and I would be so happy to read about anyone here having their dream come true. But I personally do find it really hard to be confronted by it while waiting for counselling. I can see it is unfair of me to lash out at the couple with the baby when really I should take issue with the clinic (and I think I will) and it actually isn't that hard to keep everyone happy: Deb's clinic in Woking managed a very sensible solution so why can't all clinics be like this? 

Believe me, if I was ever to hold my own baby in my arms I too would want to be straight back there to celebrate, but having been on the other side of this I know I would want to be respectful of the feelings of others there. Elaine you tell a wonderful story of hope from meeting the lady with the baby on your egg collection day, and of course your little miracle should be celebrated. Perhaps if the couple today said something similarly uplifting to me I might not have been left feeling the way I do, I don't know. But ultimately they weren't there to make me feel better, they were there to celebrate with their specialist. And I wasn't there to coo at their new baby, I was there for much needed counselling about whether it's time to stop. But there we all were, in the same little room.

So the reality is the my clinic sees nothing wrong with putting someone who has just miscarried and needs counselling in the same room as someone who is celebrating success, and I have a problem with that, right or wrong.

But please don't misunderstand me and think what I am saying is: if I can't have it then neither should you. I couldn't bear you to think that.

B xx P.S. I've just seen that more of you have posted and I will read your lovely posts properly but for now feel a real need to get this up there and clarify what I'm trying to say (maybe not very well)


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## Karen-C (Sep 22, 2003)

HI

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my last post and appreciate that I shouldn't really be posting here but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Also, we tried for a long long time to get our boys and dreams can come true.

Take care

Love

Karen xxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Karen, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story which truly shows how it can be from both sides of the fence, and you certainly haven't offended me: the more I read these posts the more I think there is a common sense solution that keeps everyone happy. You have a right to celebrate and show your gorgeous babies off, especially after such a long wait (I know I'd be chomping at the bit to do just that) and the likes of me has the right to a bit of space at this point in time. So it's surely just a case of different times/days for us all? 

S.A.F I love the idea of a 'happiness' wall!

Well, it's me who is hoping I haven't caused any offence. Oh dear, as Lou and Andy say, it's a right kerfuffle...

B xxx


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## Twigs (Aug 15, 2006)

B, please do not beat yourself up about feeling this way, I totally understand and would have completey felt the same!!!!
I do not post often but when i read your post i felt sooooo angry that this had happened and i really felt for you so just had to reply
I agree with the other ladies that have had successful treatment in that yes it is something to be celebrated and perhaps for some during their treatments seeing others having such successes is encouraging and gives them hope but when that hope is dwindling and u are reaching or have reached the end of the road and all hope has gone its a very different story and i think its only those of us who are at that stage that can fully understand 

Sending u very big hugs
Twigs xx


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

s.a.f. said:


> What we really need is photos of people who have not been successful with treatment but have still achieved happiness - now THAT would be inspiring !!
> 
> S.A.F.


Indeed it would!

Even though I've been through 3 treatment cycles, I've been lucky enough to have never bump into people with babies at the clinic, although every time I went, I always dreaded it happening. I can't imagine how you felt, seeing that when you arrived for counselling.

I simply cannot imagine how wonderful it must be to have your tx work, and to go on to deliver a baby. I imagine it must feel amazing, and I understand the desire to show off the baby. However, I strongly feel that an IVF clinic is _not _ the place to do it, whether it's meant as an inspiration or not.

As a person who is currently trying to come to terms with living my life without children, I don't want to be told "keep trying, maybe it will work next time - look! it worked for me!! look at my baby!!" I have tried IVF as many times as I can, and I'm physically and emotionally knacked from it. That sort of thing irritates rather than inspires me. Some people _don't _ get to have a child, no matter how hard they try, or how much they want one. I don't want to annoy or offend anyone, but this is a "moving on" forum, which strongly implies that the members have stopped tx, or are in the process of deciding to stop.


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Interesting thread B. I'm valuing everyones opinions here too. When we were going through tx, we too saw people who had been successful bring their babies in, but it didnt offend. It actually spurred me on, but i can understand both sides here. 
When i had my pg confirmed by the clinic, they said "you must bring the baby in to see us" which i said i would, but i've always said that i would ...
A) Not take baby into the waiting area, would want to be as sensitive as possible.
B) Ring the clinic first to see if it was convenient.

I would be absolutely gutted to offend anyone, but i would also like to go and see the people with my baby who made it all possible.
Discretion is paramount in situations like these i think.

I wish you all the luck B in acheiving your dream hunny. XX Take care X


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

We've all been through the same heartaches of trying for a family of our own, and I am so thankful to this site for being my saving grace. However, I would like to give a gentle reminder to you all that this space is for those who are at the end of the line regarding treatment by whatever means, and that emotions are already running high about this thread, some of which have already been communicated to me privately away from the board. Because of this reason this thread is going to be locked.


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