# am i a terrible friend?



## amberclare

Hi i am new to this site so hope i am on the right track, anyway i would like to see how others cope when their friends or relatives around them fall pregnany, one of my best friends who lives an hour or 2 away has messaged me saying she needs to get hold of me on the phone i have a feeling that she is going to tell me that she is pregnant, i am not sure if i can hold back my tears and congratulate her this especially after my bfn  this morning
i want to be pleased of her and will love that she is having a baby once i get used to it but not sure if i can handle it right now, she is aware of my difficulties but not sure to what extend or she doesnt really understand the stresses of it (she was annoyed after 3 months of trying). my history is that i have pcos and have just come back from hospital appointment where they have arranged day 21 blood tests, hsg testing and suggested metformin. i have been activley trying for 2 years but for the last 4 years we have wanted a baby. 

i want to feel happy for her but just dont know if i have the strength to get over my issues today and congratulate her. i feel terrible that i am thinking this way but really cant help it.
just wanted to know what others have done in this situation 

Amber


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## Kat2011

Hi Amber
I know exactly how you are feeling hun. We have been trying for 4 years and are about to have ISCI. Two weeks ago my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant after only a few months of trying. I felt like someone had just punched me in the face. I said congratulations but then had to say goodbye and let my emotions out with my DH. We were devestated and felt so guilty for feeling so bad about such happy news. I eventually went to see my sister with my mum and cleared the air with her which I felt better for doing. However I cannot handle too much detail or conversation about her pregnancy right now especially as we are starting ISCI next month. I don't think anyone can understand how we feel unless its happened to them. I found telling my sister how it made me feel helped me but then again i'm not sure it made her feel that great. It's a very difficult situation to be in. I am happy for her but I am also dredding having to see her go through pregnancy if we have not suceeded. So I have picked myself up again and im trying to be a positive as I can be. I wish you all the luck with your tests etc. I know it's really hard and we all have our down days but try to be positive as much as you can. Your not a terrible friend at all. 
Kat x


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## Irish Dee

Hi,

You are not alone. I wrote this a few years back and hope it makes sense to you.

Dee
**********************************
*OTHER PEOPLE'S PREGNANCIES:*

If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them. And if that's not bad enough, other people too will fill you in on all the details of the pregnancy and a blow by blow account of what is happening.

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy. I just don't get it.

I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.

Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.

I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about miscarriages and 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world. It is the thing that we share on Fertility Friends.

I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.

We are like a silent army, marching towards Motherhood!!

To all the strong fabulous women, struggling every day with this, our time will come.


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## amberclare

thanks to both of you for these comments it does help to hear other peoples thoughts everything that your are saying makes sense and i feel like i would give that advice to others but when it comes to taking your own advice its a little harder! thanks to you both for replying good to know there is so much support out there

thanks again xx


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## bunny13

What great comments abovE, these have really helped me as I have 2 pregnant sister-in-laws and am due to go on a family holiday in a few weeks and was just gonna stay in the bump-free hot tub!


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## debs_33

Irish Dee - That exactly!!


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## rhi81

hi,
My best mate is 4 months pregnant it is so hard to deal with she relies on me a lot as she lost her partner 3 yrs ago (we were all great friends) so it is hard to support her ie going to midwife apps etc but i found talkin to her about it really helps as does crying to my dh sayin i wish it could be me   some days i can deal with it and some days its so hard and it makes you feel like a bad friend but really your not all i can do is take it one day at a time not finding it good at mo though just given up smokin ready to start treatment nearly 2 days now with no ciggies so everything getting a little   and feeling very   i think alot of us on here have a good idea how you feel but really your not a bad friend

rhi x


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## Katie Kate

Everybody here understands. When one of my best friends announced she was pregnant we were at a party and I cried for hours and went on to get thoroughly drunk and cry some more! It was the biggest kick in the teeth, so got married a year after me, is younger than me and got pregnant on the first month of trying. I found the baby shower and talk about baby kicking etc very hard but once her baby was born I couldn't for one second recent that beautiful little thing. Still jealous though. 
Now everytime I get a random missed call or invite to something I expect another friend to make an 'announcement' and have butterflies... And as for all the newly pregnant people at work!... If one more person says there must be something in the water in the office I will SCREAM! I drink lots of the water! 
X


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## Stansley2007

It seems at the moment that most of my friends are telling me that they are pregnant. One was only trying for a month and she had only been telling me six months ago how she felt she was going to have fertility problems as her husband is on some medication. A month after the wedding and bang!! How wrong was she!I think its an extremely difficult situation for both the pregnant person and us. They must dread having to tell you if they are real friends or family, but it is equally difficult to hear being on the receptive end. 

One of my other friends was making really insensitive comments around me like 'i would love a drink' or 'i feel really huge' and all i wanted to do was smack her and say 'you are bloody lucky to be in that position', as i would give up anything to be able to get to that point. I don't think they were purposely hurtful comments, i just think some people do not think. 

There are some days i can talk to my pregnant friends and other days when i can't. Its not their fault but that is they way it is and true friends and family will understand that. I think telling them how you feel and being honest is the best way to be. Tell them at some points you can't talk and they should respect that and to be honest if the shoes was on the other foot i would want to be in the position where i knew where i stood. 

Its difficult, however remember you are just looking after yourself and you have every right to be upset, keep your chin up. We all feel like this everytime and unfortunately people who have not had fertility issues just don't understand how deeply this hurts xxx


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## HannahLou

Hi,

I work in a baby room at a nursery and i show pregnant women around nearly every day, i feel like saying i hope you realise how lucky you are! 3 women at work have announced pregnancies in the last year and i burst into floods of tears everytime. Now everyone is at the point where i get taken into the office and told by the manager that someone is having a baby!! I feel awful and always apologise but i just cant help it, im sure everyone thinks im a crazy lady!! Just keep telling yourself it WILL be you soon =) xxxxx


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## gottahavehope

Hi all

Hope you don't mind me adding on .... I know exactly how you feel. Hit what I would call rock bottom this weekend. 
Sat at a wedding with all children included even the bride and groom 2 young children... giving speeches about being a complete family... 
We were the only childless couple at the entire wedding... 

... I say thank GOD for this website, and we can all share our experience and not suffer in silence. Nothing worse than feeling alone and I certainly felt that
this weekend. I say get it off your chest and you not a bad friend. You just need understanding to make you brave and lots of big   . Thats for everyone.

Stay brave xx


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## gottahavehope

PS Irish Dee I think it amazing what you wrote xx


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## Ella101

Just wanted to write a note on this thread as it's comforting to know that so many other people feel the exact same way. Your words are amazing Irish Dee, I'm sure many ladies on here will relate to that & feel a lot better after reading them.

I have had a few friends (2 of my closest friends at the moment too) & work colleagues announce pregnancies this year, the first was like a punch in the stomach. 
I had started to think that there is a fine line between me being selfish & the selfishness of the glowing pregnant friends, but now I just think that it doesn't take much on other people's part to just step back a little & allow you some space from all their baby joy.
You can be happy for them, congratulate & wish all the best for them, hoping everything goes smoothly etc.. However to be expected to jump up & down, clap, hug & generally fanfare for them isn't going to be easy. And no we would never expect somebody who had just been jilted at the alter to start help planning a wedding, so why should we have baby scans as well as every pregnancy update shoved under our noses, as if our feelings don't matter.

I have battled a bit with it, thinking some who have known my issues, have taken a little pleasure in seeing me trying to mask the sadness while acting out all the smiles & baby chat for them. 

We have been ttc for a long time & everybody knew we were trying, after many years & no child even the people who we haven't confided in know there are issues obviously, it's all people ask about too, like it's their business of course...
We are at the top of the nhs waiting list now for ivf, although just a couple of months ago I conceived naturally for the first time, it sadly ended in an early miscarriage at 5 weeks. 
Very ironic that it was so close to being at the top of the list for treatment, we're pulling out all the stops this month to see if one last try on ttc will work - never know!
Although I am very lucky to have the ivf opportunity (counting my blessings with it!), just I always expected it to happen by itself which let's face it we would all rather have!

Anyway good luck to all the ladies on here, hope all the waiting will be over soon & then when it does happen for us we'll know how much to appreciate it & how to treat others around us that may not be able to get there yet....

xx


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## NicNac1980

It is so good to hear other people having the same issues as me - i have only just found this website and i am so glad to have found it. We have only been ttc for a year and i know that is a short time compared to many other on here but it seems such a long time to me. So many of my friends keep announcing pregnancies - it feels like every time i look on ******** there is another scan picture popping up! When my dh told me his brother & wife were expecting i burst into tears and then i felt sooo guilty - I should be happy for them.

it sounds like everyone on here has told their close friends and family their situation - how have you found that? I haven't told anyone, i'm so worried about everyone asking about it everytime i see them. I don't want people feeling sorry for me but i am so fed of being asked why i have been married over a year and not pregnant yet!! I keep lying and saying i don't want kids yet and then feel bad for lying


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## Ella101

Hey NinNac,

I told a lot of people as it was hard not to after nothing had happened for a long time... I kind of wish I hadn't at times but then it is good to be honest about how you're feeling.
I have mixed feelings now though & have decided to keep it to myself for a while & avoid the topic completely, brushing off questions etc, just speak to my husband & vent anything else out on here (ha ha!!).
I go to a natural fertility clinic just now for acupuncture & they're great at listening there & giving advise on how I feel, kind of extra free counseling at the same time!
It's good to speak to others who understand & friends/family can't always see how hard it is, it purely depends on the individual though. Maybe speak to your mum or your closest friend perhaps in confidence, say it's getting you down & maybe if they can stop asking about it for a while..

I know that some people feel the need to say before they go for ivf/fertility treatment, just so they have the support there & that people know what they're going through.
I've decided to keep it quiet that I'm going to do ivf at the beginning of next year, just as I have so much pregnancy around me just now, I could do without more patronising remarks. I'll probably just say to my mum afterwards depending on how it goes..

Don't feel bad either, it's not lying at all, it's something that is very personal but at the same time something that everybody & their dog feel they have the right to probe you on!

Oh and if I see another scan picture on ********......!!!!


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## gottahavehope

Ella I just wanted to say hello... and I too can share in how you feel. Same age... and DH 36 with the same situation. Although never conceived naturally.
I agree with everything you have said. I feel that to magic up "being posititive" which is what some people who are not going through this say.... and mean well. You need to be able to around people who understand. Be able to vent somewhere and one of these   every now then.

Wish you all the Luck in the World girls and guys

x


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## confused123

I am glad I found this post TTC for 4years and had an unexpected BFP in September, after a cancelled ICSI in July. Had a miscarriage two days ago and am feeling very vulnerable at the minute, my cousin, sister and law and four friends are pregnant.  Yesterday a friend came to comfort me only to let slip that she is pregnant as well she had been TTC for4 years and deserved a lot of joy but all she got was a squeak.

It is hard as most of the people i confided in or now pregnant am starting ICSI after Christmas but am faced with 6 births between march- july.  In work i sit with three pregnant girls. I now literally am the only person i know in this situation and am feeling increasingly isolated.  My poor mother has watched to much pollyanna and constantly tells me all the things i should be glad about.  

I do agree with you that you need to be around people who understand but at the minute the is no one that fits that bill.  I Sometimes feel that all people expect is from you to is  "be positive" some days i do feel that but others i want to sit with a blanket over my head and hide.  

sorry this is such as negative post really wish i could say something to inspire.


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## Katie Kate

Confused123 I think we are in very similar situations- I fell pregnant naturally after nearly 3 years of trying and whilst down regging for ivf no 1, and miscarried shortly after. 
Everyone is pregnant around me and it is very hard to 'be positive'! I could smack the next person who says "it will happen now because I've fallen pregnant once it will happen again" that DOESN'T help and isn't what I want to hear! Some how I have managed to rope myself into organising a baby shower for my pregnant friend at work. She totally deserves it but I am dreading it. 
Got a family wedding in a few weeks- lots of dhs family that ive never met- I really really hope no1 asks about children and I've put on a bit of weight lately (comfort eating!) so hope no1 thinks my cake and pizza belly is a baby belly :-( 
Nincnac- it's a hard decision to tell people about what u r going through. I have ended up telling most of my close friends, mainly because when I was injecting at 10pm at night on a girls night in on a saturday it was hard not to! I also have a tendency to 'confess everything' whenever some1 tells me they are pregnant or TTC because it stirs up so many emotions I feel I need to justify my strange reaction. Things have been hard the last few months & I've ended up asking my best friends to tell my group of girlfriends not to ask me about it Anymore as it was getting too much. Everytime I went out I would get them coming up to me one by one & asking how 'things r going'. They all mean well but sometimes u just want to have some tome off from thinking about the one thing that is always on your mind. 
It is great to be able to vent on here, and sorry for ranting! X


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## NicNac1980

Ella101 and KatieKate, thank you for your words - it is good to hear what other people think and have done about telling / family and friends. I think i am going to stay with not telling anyone for a while. I just don't think i can handle people asking me how it is going all the time. A friend of mine struggled with ttc for 2.5 years and told everyone and i know i asked her when i saw her how it was going - i just thought that as she had shared the news she obviously wanted people to talk to her about it. I had no idea at the time how she must be feeling etc. It all worked out well for her and she has a gorgeous girl but she must have hated talking about it every time she saw her friends. I think if you haven't been in a situation then you don't know how the person is feeling, so although we get annoyed with family / friends asking all the time - i think if we share the news with them then they are bound to keep asking unless we tell them to stop. Sorry - a bit of a ramble but just what is going through my head. I think i just need to master the 'wow - congratulations' face when people tell me they are pregnant and be able to have the 'jealousy' emotions when i am on my own later!! 

Confused 123 - i know what you mean about people deciding you are pregnant when you are not by just looking at you. I went to a beer festival recently with friends and i was the driver so couldn't drink. One of my dh's friends was convinced i was pregnant as i wasn't drinking and however much i denied it he wouldn't believe me. It was really upsetting as i would have loved pregnancy to be the reason i wasn't drinking!!

Hope you are all having a good weekend x


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## Ella101

Totally understand on how frustrating it is when others that mean so well say 'it'll happen', 'stay positive' & 'you'll have your family soon', believe me' etc... How on earth do they know & nobody can possibly understand how it feels to stare fertility challenges in the face until you've been there. I can certainly say that it is one of the most painful things I have ever dealt with (and things haven't been all that easy in life!).

I have to say as well that when I look at others I can feel so robbed & I really try never to think 'why me' as it does no good at all, but why on earth should I be denied it all either!?

Confused123 really sorry to hear of your loss this week, understand how difficult it is when it is taken away so quickly from you. Hope everything goes well with ICSI over Christmas, just try to focus on that right now & as hard as it is put all these impending births out of your mind for the time being.. You know you can always share your thoughts here for the time being & even though people around you don't understand there are so many on here that really do.
I'm trying very hard to focus on the fact that when all the babies that are due around me arrive, I'll be ok as by that time I'll have my own on the way... Don't know how well that will work out for me though, but it keeps me sane just now anyway, so it's working so far!!

NinNac, that sounds so upsetting about the festival & being asked if you're pregnant just because you weren't having a drink, why can't people realise how intrusive that is!? Even if all this wasn't going on & I know that he didn't mean any harm at all, it is so insensitive! I am constantly under scrutiny, I get watched like a hawk at special occasions to see what I am drinking so much so that I'd dare not have a glass of wine in case I start getting all the 'OMG she's finally pregnant!!' rubbish (think I'd punch them!!!) 

Gottahavehope, thanks for your reply, good to know others know exactly how it feels. Best of luck to you as well.

Also katie katie good luck with the organising baby shower, thats is a very brave & strong thing for you to do. 

xxxx


xxxx


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## rosie79

Hi all,
I have just read through the entire thread and cried buckets.....
I feel exactly the same and want to offer a big hug to all the lovely ladies in the same situation.

My close friends know about my difficulties. Recently atteded a girls night in, where my entire group of friends proceeded to talk about their experiences of TTC, pregnancy, child birth, breast feeding, toddler tantrums etc etc. One of the girls announcesd her 2nd pregnancy news (they had been TTC forn 4 weeks). I was so annoyed with them all, and questioned myself for being selfish..... Why do people not even try to understand? I am happy to look happy for others but I dont think its unreasonable to ask that it isnt the topic of conversational all night?

I wouldnt tell people again. Every time one of my friends announces a pregnancy everybody looks at me for my reaction. I feel so sad, that I have to then look over the moon to makle others feel better!!!

Ive been TTC for over 5 years. Waiting to start IVF and not intending to tell anybody apart fropm our parents. My experience is that people filpantly ask, when are you starting IVF? When are going to have a baby? Your 32 dont leave it too late.... aarrrggghhh...........

Big hugs to all and good to talk to others in same situation x x x x


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## ♥JJ1♥

amberclare said:


> Hi i am new to this site so hope i am on the right track, anyway i would like to see how others cope when their friends or relatives around them fall pregnany, one of my best friends who lives an hour or 2 away has messaged me saying she needs to get hold of me on the phone i have a feeling that she is going to tell me that she is pregnant, i am not sure if i can hold back my tears and congratulate her this especially after my bfn this morning
> i want to be pleased of her and will love that she is having a baby once i get used to it but not sure if i can handle it right now, she is aware of my difficulties but not sure to what extend or she doesnt really understand the stresses of it (she was annoyed after 3 months of trying). my history is that i have pcos and have just come back from hospital appointment where they have arranged day 21 blood tests, hsg testing and suggested metformin. i have been activley trying for 2 years but for the last 4 years we have wanted a baby.
> 
> i want to feel happy for her but just dont know if i have the strength to get over my issues today and congratulate her. i feel terrible that i am thinking this way but really cant help it.
> just wanted to know what others have done in this situation
> 
> Amber


Amber how I deal with is it, I have to remember that these babies are their babies nit mine, mine is still waiting for me. I have been through years of IVF's etc and faced difficult situtations, including friends not knowing (why would thye I am single no DH etc people don't expect you to be actively trying!). 
My most difficult time was having to ring my friends as their baby was born, on the day that I had been told my baby died on scan.
Babies born on my due date etc

I also work with babies and children but in my min - they aren't mine!
L


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## Emily1971

I know how you feel.  Ive had to sit next to 2 women at work who were pregnant and hear all about their pregnancies for 9 months and now my partners two brothers have both had babies a couple of months apart.  I find myself being overly nice and keen with the babies as i dont want them to think im jealous or bitter about me not being able to have a baby.  I just plod on i think, life goes on and i carry on as theres always a glimmer of hope that i might be the lucky one one day.  

Good luck xxx


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## lynzb

Im sort of on the other side with this......my son was an IVF baby after 10yrs trying. He is almost 8yrs old now and we are waiting to start IVF again.

When ever my friends have announced pregnancies i have always been over the moon for them...i've been a birthing partner twice and number 1 babysitter. 

Recently i told my so-called best friend about our planned IVF and her stone cold reply was "You better not get pregnant before me" She is single with a very active sexlife just to get pregnant.!!
She now ignores me, doesnt call round to see me (but goes to an other friends up the road from me) & plans days and nights out which i dont get invited to anymore.

I try not to think bad of her.....i know what its like when you want a baby, but christ as far as she knows the only thing stopping her having a baby could be fate!

Good Luck ladies, i really hope 2012 brings you all tiny pitter patters of feet.

P.s Irish Dee, i couldnt have put what you wrote better....im going to pinch it if you dont mind?? xxx


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## Tulipwishes

When my sister in law told me she was pregnant, despite feeling sick to my stomach I over compensated and congratulated her and was very upbeat about the new baby. It wasn't until the baby arrived that all the old feelings and longings came flooding back, I found it very hard to watch my partner hold the baby, and I'm even ashamed to admit that I left the room on the pretext of making tea.

6 months on, and every time I speak to my mum she tells me how lovely the baby is, he is lovely of course, but I am told this on a daily basis via telephone, which makes me feel even worse.

Because I adopted my daughter my family expect me to have got over the fact I couldn't have children, I dont think I ever really did, I just pushed those feelings away.

Were not robots, and I wish people would remember that sometimes when talking about their pregnancies and babies, and to have some consideration to those who have struggled to concieve.

DP wants me to have counselling for my "issues", (his words). but I dont really see how it can help, he also wants me to tell my mum to stop gushing about the new baby every time she speaks to me, I then feel guilty and think well why shouldn't she talk about her new grandson.

I'm so confused with it all.

Tulip x


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## mb2512cat

hi all - i've been reading all your posts. Just wondering if anyone has more extreme reactions/behaviour. I am getting in a very bad way. It's a drip, drip of torture and there are now times when i do think I go a quite demented and it's highly distressing. Example of how it's got worse over time:
*When SIL1 was pg with No1 in 2010 we were in a restaurant with my DH, my inlaws and BIL/SIL1. MIL & SIL1 did nothing but talk about the new arrival, which would be the first in the family. I had already had a m/c by then and gone on to give birth at 20wks, but this didn't seem to influence anything. I guess to them it's no more traumatic than having a tooth removed. Throughout this meal I found it increasingly hard to concentrate and hold a conversation. My hands were trembling and I felt it hard to keep hold of the knife & fork and essentially what I was thinking about was walking out of the restaurant, into the middle of the road and hoping that there was a very large, fast truck coming my way. Through the SIL1's pg, if I knew we were going to see her one weekend, I would spend the week ahead being very anxious about it, doing my best to put a puppet smile on when she was there, crying in the evening when back at home, then being depressed for a week after. after the baby was born, I did go round and try to make all the right noises etc but inside I was actually dying. 

But at least I could still semi give the impression that I was ok. Now that is well and truly over. 
*Now after our most recent loss in May 2011. I have now what I would describe as a full-blown phobia of pg women and babies. I can just about stomach those I don't know, but people I do know, I do whatever i can to avoid them. At best it makes me want to vomit, at worst it makes me feel frighteningly violent. 
1) BIL no2 got married 8wks after our loss. With hindsight I should never have gone to the wedding. Emotionally for me, it was a disaster. It went wrong instantly. I was talking to my MIL at the church, then SIL1 arrived with the Boy Wonder, and my MIL instantly turned away from me and cried out in delight 'oh my wonderful baby boy!' I hated her from that instant. I ignored SIL1 & BW. All children/babies were banned from the wedding apart from Boy Wonder. Everyone was around SIL1 and admiring and cooing over BW. In the church, SIL1 looked at BW and said, 'look what happened since we got married!!' Cue visions of murdering them both there and then in the church aisle.   At the wedding reception, where was I seated? You guessed it, out of 10-odd tables of 10, I was on the table with SIL1 & BW. I spent most of the time outside the dining area. It was all i could do to stop myself crying. Then later the guest signing book went round, and I saw that my DH's cousin had signed it from him, his wife, baby and 'peanut'. so she'd been pg the whole time & of course she was on my table. I spent most of the rest of the night crying under a tree in the grounds. I just wanted to die. What was the point of living if all you do is get to feel like this? Relationship with DH's family has been down the tubes ever since. I do as little as i can to see them. 
2) A old colleague of mine, who lives locally, we were due at the same time, but obviously I lost mine and she went on to have hers. She sent me an email with his photo (I put my hand over the screen so I couldn't see the picure), said how traumatic the birth had been and said brightly, 'so what are your plans?'Hmm. I basically told her that hers was the email I was dreading and that I was dead inside, and that I had no idea why she got to have a live baby but I got a dead one, and a second dead one at that. Another ex colleague sent me a birth announcement and picture in a text msg. I could tell what it was as it was a multimedia msg and I knew the 'timing' was right, but I haven't opened the message and I won't. Both these colleagues sent me card & flowers when I lost my latest, but I haven't said a thing about their babies. Not nice i know, but just thinking about it twists my very insides. 
3) Last week DH told me that SIL1 is now expecting no2. These are my very first thoughts : 'she's inconsiderate *****, i hate her and i hope it dies. I just want them to have a taste of the misery that we have endured. but no, it will all go swimmingly for them. There is no longer an atom in my body that is 'happy' for them. I realise to be happy for someone else you need to have that emotion in yourself, and I can't remember the last time I felt it. We had a family get-together on Friday night with my DH's family. We went to see a show in London and went for dinner first. I held it together until my FIL started talking about my SIL1's maternity leave, and I actually dropped my cutlery and left the room. All energy evaporated from me, and it was all I could do to stop myself sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. When I got home I did. Just utter despair. DH's family have no idea what to do with me, what to say etc. i have turned into the nightmare DIL. I have just gone back to work after 7 months off. I have seen a bereavement councillor, and it has helped, but at the end of the day, I need an exorcism!!! I don't want to be like this my entire life. It's a poison now running through my veins and while I can be normal outside of his family, with his family I do become unhinged, and I am not any longer being able to cover it up. There is a DH family wedding in April and I think I am going to put my foot down and say I can't go, and be open with the reason. 

Sorry for the rant; i know it all sounds utterly deranged, but I thought if anyone is going to feel the same stuff, then it might be here.


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## sanfrancisco

m2b-my heart bleeds for you,you have been through so much.People just don't understand infertility and loss if they haven't been through it.I think your in-laws are being very thoughtless.As you can see,I have been blessed with a lovely healthy ds from my 1st cycle of ivf,and now despite being a mum I still have horrible jealousy and find it difficult when friends pop out babies and can plan their ideal space between their siblings,moan about their 3 baby bellies etc and how easy it is for me just havi ng 1 baby is etc,how they never have money etc.We have spent about £15k trying for a sibling(I know we are very lucky,but want ds to have a little friend and complete our family)I work to fund the ivf,whilst my friends who have never even had to buy an ovulation kit,let alone 15k on tx have the luxury of staying at home with their perfect families.What I mean to say is that I feel your reaction is completely mormal and acceptable for what you have been through.I am a mum,but I am still infertile,I will never be able to leave this behind even if I am lucky enough to compete my family,and still get very depressed and angry,bitter and jealous when people announce their easily concieved pregnancies.
I notice your husband has some chromosomal problems.Will you try for another pregnancy when you are strong enough?Has pgd ivf been discussed with you? I want to wish you all the best and sincerely hope there is a light at the end of this hellish journey you have been on.  xx


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## smc81

Hi Ladies
I know that my situation is a bit different. I haven't been TTC, but I am almost 31 and still not met 'the one' All the while, friends and family have been, and getting married and having kids. One ofter the other they have all been getting the family I so desperately want.
Over the last year I have watched so many friends and colleagues get married and fall pregnant within 12 months - all of them younger than me, and it feels like they are all living the life that I always wanted and thought I might have.
The worst thing was on the morning of my 30th birthday when my oldest friend called me to tell me she was pregnant - she had literally just taken the test. We are not 'best' friends but we used to speak every couple of weeks. To put this into context, she got married 5 years ago, I was maid of honour (we used to be a lot closer). A couple of years later she started seeing someone behind his back, and told me that she never wanted kids, she had said this before so it wasn't a surprise.

Then the affair was over and they were planning to have a baby - he knew about the affair. After a whole month of trying she got pregnant, and then came the phone call.
I was devastated, I was not handling turning 30 at all well, and could only think about how she had it all, a doting husband and a baby on the way. The last time I saw her all she did was moan about all the things she couldn't do being pregnant - how I wish I even had the chance to moan about such things.

The last text she sent me said she was fed up and wanted some excitement in her life - yes my reaction was exactly the same as yours! I couldn't even bring myself to reply.

I am on the waiting list for a sperm donor because I can't wait any longer for a man to help me make it happen, all I want is to be a mum and be happy. I have spent 7 years watching other people live the life I want more than anything, so I have to at least try and make half of it come true.

I just wanted to tell you that in some way I do understand how you feel. At the moment I feel totally useless as I can't even say I am trying to get pregnant, I am just waiting. I have no idea if it will ever happen, but my positive thinking is being tested every day and I don't actually feel all that hopeful anymore.

Wishing you ladies all the best and lots of best wishes.
S xx


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## Emily1971

SMC81

I can relate to your situation although i am attached now but i was mostly single up until i reached 30 and watched all of my friends getting married and having kids - I was always the bridesmaid and had to watch while everyone had their perfect families.  They would always be doing stuff with their partners etc so it was very rare that we would go out together in order for me to actually meet someone.  It was on my birthday i met my partner - my annual girls night out.  After trying for years finally discover my egg reserve is very low / undetectable so im now intending to have known egg donar IVF in the summer once i have saved up enough.  Good luck with your treatment I would definitely have gone down that route had i not met anyone.  The joke of it is is that all my friends are divorced or going through a divorce !

Emily x


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## smc81

Thanks Emily, sometimes I feel like I must be a horrible person to feel this way so it's reassuring to know I'm not alone.
Good luck with your treatment as well xx


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