# I'm finding it hard to Stop Trying



## karen (Mar 23, 2002)

I didnt know what to call this post but just need some thoughts and opinions from people who understand.

I had a beautiful daughter as a result of ivf no 3 and agreed with DH we would have one further go to try for a sibling. ivf no 4 was BFN and we both quickly agreed to try again but it would be the absolutely final time. ivf no 5 another bfn but we agreed for yet another final attempt. ivf no 6 another bfn and I changed clinic for an absolute FINAL attempt. We defrosted all dh's frozen sperm to ensure we couldn't possibly give in to another go and I've just had a BFN for ivf no 7.

This one has really hit me hard. Friends tell me my daughter is perfect and at least I have her and that I've done all I possibly can (had ivig, steriods, intralipds and assisted hatching). Everyone thinks I should give up as we cant afford any more treatment and I'm now 40. Problem is for both of the last 2 ivf's I got a low hcg on test day (3-4) which then sank to zero two days later so something did happen. I'm finding it so so hard to accept that the dream is over.

Half of me thinks 7 ivf's and 40 years of age and no savings is enough and I should give up and move on with life and enjoy my daughter's childhood before I waste it being miserable and trying for another child. But how do I do this? Has anyone drawn the line and how do you get over it?

The other half thinks I should just keep going but everyone I know is telling me to give up and I know its not the sensible route. 4 BFN's in a row and embies never that great - isnt it daft to continue? And if I did continue when would I stop? I feel like a gambler who doesn't know when to stop.

Any thoughts on either stopping or carrying on would be really welcome. I just feel so lost.

(DH is older than I am and has 2 daughters from a previous marriage so adoption is out and he isn't keen on donor sperm. He hates me having to go through ivf as he feels its his fault but I know he desperately wants another - the thing is I cant tell if its because I want it or because he wants it himself)

Karen
x


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## mumtojack (May 27, 2005)

Karen - oh this is such a dilemma! I know exactly how you feel.

I have a son from IVF no 4 who is nearly 6 now. We then had 4 successive failures with the same clinic trying for no.2, so moved to the ARGC. I was diagnosed with really high immunes, but proceeded into treatment with IVIG, steroids, heparin etc and got a BFP but sadly never achieved heartbeat. This spurred me into thinking we really could succeed again so had one more IVF and 2 more FETs before realising that at 42 I was probably too old for it to happen.

But I just couldnt give up. We have just had IVF with donor eggs, 2 lovely Day 3 - 8 cell embies, but last week got a BFN. Not even a sniff of implantation HCG 0.6!! 

I dont know how and when to stop. I think having one child and knowing how special and precious they are, makes it even harder.

I wish I had answers for you, but find myself in exactly the same position, totally lost.

I hope you get some replies from those who have given up, moved on and accepted. It must be possible!

Good luck for the future, I am sure you will in time decide what is right for you.

Mumtojack x


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## susy (Nov 23, 2004)

Hi Karen, I know how you fell, its so hard to give up. We have had 4 ICSI cycles and 5 FET's, the 7th attempt FET resulted in our daughter, Ella, who we totally adore. However I would love a 2nd one, mainly for her sake, to have a sibling to share life with. I am 41 and both DH and I think we would be mad to use my own eggs again as its 3 years now since my last fresh cycle, even though DD is just 14months and I required 8 amps daily of the stimmulating drugs then and for extra days so don't expect a response now. We are considering DE from Spain and adoption but not an easy decison and not sure how we feel. Also its the cost and stress, I don't want to miss out on Ella growing up. Like you we are grateful to have Ella and I never thought I would feel upset again and know we are very lucky to have her. I wish I knew the answer to stop the grief.


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## leppyloo (Mar 16, 2009)

Hi Karen,

I understand how you feel.  I haven't even started IVF yet (was supposed to be cycling now but discovered I was pregnant but then had m/c) ... I have been TTC for a 2nd child since 2006.  It hasn't spoilt my time with my son but I am aware of this continual sadness and of course the time taken to recover from 2 m/cs.  Also I am tired of putting my life on hold ... silly things like not planning big holidays just in case ... So I have decided to give IVF a go over the next year ... maybe up to 3 cycles (depends on info obtained during 1st cycle) and then I am going to move on.  Not sure how I got to this stage - but I am quite determined to draw the line there.  One thing I can recommend is EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) ... I used this therapy to help me get over a past trauma (counselling etc failed) and I would definitely use it again if I got to the end of the 3 cycles and found it hard to stick to my plan of moving on.  

Good luck  

Leppyloo x


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## EH (Dec 3, 2003)

I am in the same mess as you guys, have a fab son who makes life worth while but am constantly thinking about how I have number two. After my 2nd failed attempt I am in a constant stream of panic. My relationship is holding on by a thread and all I can think about is another baby. I really feel I need help with sorting my head out. We have 3 frosties to use so it's a life line but I am so negative about it all at the moment.


I hate to say it but I can't go anywhere at the moment without looking to see how many children people have and whether they have double prams, the age gaps etc and pregnant women, well don't get me started on that. My partner would be furious to hear me say these things. I feel so lonely through this.

At work so need to close off.

Feel better for ranting.

EH x


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## Praline (Sep 6, 2005)

Hi all,
I'm so thrilled with our first daughter, and I only want a second child just so that she has a sibling (rather than wanting more than one for myself). My DH would simply love to have at least 2 kids.
After a BFN last weekend, I have 4 embryos left for one FET. If this doesn't work, I am thinking of stopping and accepting life with one child (only regret is that she has no sibilig). My DH would like me to have another 2 fresh IVF cycles if the next FET fails, though we both know this is risky as I had OHSS the last time.

Not sure what we will agree oneventually! However we have both agreed that we will not adopt.


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## karen (Mar 23, 2002)

Its so nice to talk to other people in the same situation although horrid that we are in this situation.  

Leppyloo what is EFT?

EH what you say is so true. I count children and grab at large agegaps (although less now as I no longer care about the gap as its too big), I look at mums with prams especially teenagers and think why not me. I especially cling to any single child family to not feel so isolated but as DD's school they are single parents - everyone else has 2-3 children.

One of the things I find especially hard is my daughter asking for a sibling and wishing on birthday candles or shooting stars "for mummy to have a baby" it makes me cry every time. I know I'm so lucky to have her - I sometimes feel selfish for wanting more but I cant help it.

x


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