# Looking for opinions on a (possibly) inappropriate gift



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I had a gift for Wyxling from my MIL.  It was fairly expensive and she's getting it framed, but I'm not entirely sure it's appropriate to put on Wyxling's wall.  It doesn't exactly offend me, other than that I think it underlines how little credit MIL gives us for having a clue what's going on with our daughter, but I'm worried it may offend Wyxling in the future.

To put this in context, Wyxling has been under mental health services twice now, which at the age of 3 1/2 is a pretty good achievement, surrounding problems with attachment and associated behaviour.  At the moment we're being refused further help and she does seem in a lot of ways to be improving, but I think that the improvement is in her and us managing how she behaves, rather than helping her address how she feels.  I guess it feels a lot like we're plastering over the cracks.  I suspect we will need further help in the future.  

MIL got Bladelet a lovely print of a picture from a Roald Dahl book with a really nice quote for his celebration hearing.  It was a lovely gift.  They also got one for Wyxling because as MIL said, it just sums her up.  Now I should stress that MIL doesn't believe Wyxling has any real issues and just thinks we're handling her wrong and/or don't really know that much about children, and we haven't mentioned any current problems to her, but she does know about the past problems, even if she doesn't accept them.  Wyxling's has a quote from Matilda on it, which I can't remember the exact wording of, but it's something like "Sometimes, Matilda, I really do wonder what is going on in your head" and my initial thought was that it just wasn't entirely appropriate.  My husband thinks I'm just over-sensitive and I'm willing to concede he may be right, but he is very down to earth and practical and Wyxling is an emotional whirlwind most of the time.

I'm interested as to what others think as to whether it's appropriate.

Thanks,

Wyxie xx


----------



## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Gosh, what a nightmare. The reason it strikes me as inappropriate is not so much because I know if and how this might affect your daughter (I am sure you know this best) but more because of the context of your ongoing issues with MIL. She knows your concerns and views about the issues Wyxling has and, whether she agrees or not, she should respect your views. Given I have taken it from your posts that she does not, I can understand how you might see this as thoughtless at best.


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Mmmm tricky one - and I suppose you won't really know what MIL is/was thinking. Gut feeling is she's not associated them but as Wxyling is very bright and says insightful things then she's maybe linked that together (not necessarily the CAMHs thing).

My initial reaction is why she didn't keep them both as pictures. Unless she knew or had another association with Matilda then what would the quote really mean to a child until they are much older? 

Be interested in others views too as I have a tendency to over think/be over sensitive about things.
X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I've responded in your diary hun xx


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks, I should probably add that I don't think there was any malicious intent at all, the pictures were a gift they put a lot of thought into and they got one for Wyxling too because they didn't want them to feel left out.  The quotes are from the book and are written under the pictures, which are reprints of the original sketches for the books, and lovely.  MIL absolutely adores Wyxling, but is pretty blind to a lot of her problems and prefers to think of them as quirks; she simply doesn't want to see a lot of the problems in large part because she has really not helped with them at times, and hasn't liked the professional advice we've had where extended family is concerned, which was essentially that she needed to take a big step back and stop overly-mothering her.  Basically, it's complicated!


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hmmm....i also overthink and I think I'd be on your wavelength..I would think it highly inappropriate in your situation! But..it does refer to Matilda not Wyxling so theres no reason for Wxyling to turn the statment  onto  herself. Also in a few years you'll be able to read her the book and confirm where the statement comes from and she'll see it is just a quote from a book. when she's even older you might even be able to share a joke about it on an adult level   thats me trying to see the best that could come of it..because really the alternatives are a) not put it up, b) remove/cover the quote or c) refuse the gift and have an undesirable conversation with MIL..and I'm not sure any of those are an option  


kj x


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Good point, I wasn't about to get the tipex out!


----------



## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks for the replies, folks. I think in and of itself the picture is absolutely fine, but MIL will I'm sure comment on it to Wyxling at some point, probably many times, in the future, because she's just like that, and that it "sums her up" as she said to us. She'll be proud of the gift and want to point it out to Wyxling in the future. I'm sure if it's an issue for Wyxling then I can deal with it then.

Having thought about it more, it does actually offend me, because it's a very in your face way of her making light of all our daughters problems as just a personality quirk, something MIL likes to do. I think it offends me more because she _has_ a daughter with some serious mental health issues, which for a long time were not obvious to anyone accept the people who spent a lot of time with her, and found it very upsetting and frustrating when friends and acquaintances failed to understand how ill her daughter is. I have often been tempted to make the comparison to her, but I know her response would be that it is totally different, because her daughter has a diagnosed mental health condition, and to her mind, our daughter doesn't. She doesn't seem to understand attachment and attachment disorders, or the long term effect of early trauma and neglect on brain development.


----------



## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi Wyxie,
I have to say that I would definitely read into this gift unfavourably too but then that's the way I think. You know your daughter best and if you think this could cause her problems with the way she reads into it now or when she's older, then I would not put it up. I would prob have to go with having a conversation with MIL about it (in the nicest possible way - if that's possible!) to try and make her understand without upsetting her...... very tricky I know! 
It would offend me too so understand how your feeling. 
Good luck with what you decide to do
Lorella xx


----------

