# Infertility makes me so angry...



## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Infertility makes me so angry&#8230;
It is robbing me of my life
My happy-go-lucky outlook
My smile
My friends, my family
It's changed me as a person
It's changed my relationship
It's making me choose a different path to the one I'd chosen
It's robbing me of rational thoughts and emotions
I hate how controlling infertility can be with my heart and emotions

I wanted more than anything&#8230;
To be able to think about and choose our favourite baby name
To go for our first scan and see our little babba growing
To plan with excitement, and decorate a nursery
My husband to sit beside me, rubbing my belly talking to our 'little one'
An excuse to buy a 'boring' family car with a child seat in the back
To rush around in the mornings getting ready for the school run
To be able to pick my 'little one' up from school and say "what shall we have for tea tonight?" with a smile on my face&#8230;
For the 3 of us to walk in the countryside hand in hand, showing and teaching our 'little one' the important and beautiful things in life&#8230;

But no, this just seems to happens to other people, sometimes people you'd least expect it to happen for - people who don't really _want _ it or _need _ it. People who haven't had to fight for it, who have no idea how this will ever feel, "oh! It just happened, can you imagine my shock when I found out?!" No actually, I can't imagine _your _ shock, I've never been on that side of the fence, I'm stuck on this side peering over and wondering what it must feel like&#8230;but I'll probably _never _ know&#8230;

I want to be happy for my husband again, I don't want to cry on his shoulder anymore (not about this anyway!). I want to be the wife he married and get back to 'normal', back to a life not dominated and plagued by hurt, sadness and heartbreak, all of these things hiding around every corner waiting to pounce out at me!

I want more than anything to be the next one making the baby announcement&#8230;before it's too late...


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i understand exactly.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

xx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

its strange i often feel so alone yet you've summed up how i feel.
big hugs
xxxx


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## set55 (Jan 10, 2012)

your making me  
infertility


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hugs Ellie  

Hugs Set55  

Infertility definitely    big time!!!

xxx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

Nosilab
you have a lot to think about i wish you lots of luck on your journey
thankyou for letting me know i'm not alone in my thoughts
xxxxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Thank you Elli, lots of luck for your journey too   You are definitely _not _ alone in your thoughts, and seeing these replies to my post reminds me that I'm not either  xxxx


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## irishflower (Apr 13, 2012)

ARticulated exactly how I feel at times


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## set55 (Jan 10, 2012)

i tell u what when i get hold of this infertility fellow i'm gonna        and kick his as- he must of course be a man!!!!
and all this applies to mr BFN as well


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## Lannypoo (Jan 19, 2012)

Nosilab... I know exactly what you mean about your husband... I feel sorry for my fiancé he has seen the life gradually sucked out of me I'm a hollow shell of what I used to be...   I would give anything to be that person before infertility defined me!


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Lannypoo, it is exactly like that isn't it, its like infertility drains the life from you   I totally agree with you xx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

PS good luck for your EC tomorrow


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## waterlily01 (Jan 23, 2011)

Gosh i wish i could be the person i was before infertility. not sure i can remember who she is. i looked at some photos of me before i was married the other day. in one i was visiting a friend who had just had a baby. i was cuddling the baby, a huge smile on my face! all i could see at the time was the beauty and joy of the baby. i was full of happiness for my friend. No doubt full of excitement and imagining what it would be like to hold my own baby..... now i look in the mirror and the girl i was has gone.
id love to be the person who was excited by their hopes and dreams. not saddened to the core.  infertility has a lot to answer for!!
hugs to everone who, as someone put it, has had the life sucked of them. 
Sincerely hope we can find it again xx x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Yes you're right actually - when I look back at old photos I look like the same person externally, but I know it's a totally different story internally, re my thoughts and feelings.  Infertility certainly does have a lot to answer for  

Hugs to you too   xxx


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## MJ1 (Aug 8, 2011)

Know how you feel and it sucks, big time! I also wonder why people who don't really have to try are blessed and we all have to go through this awful journey. 
Good luck and let's hope we do get the BFP's we all deserve
Xx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Lots and lots of luck to you too xx


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## Sakoko (May 16, 2012)

I feel exactly like this!


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## Flow13 (Jul 22, 2009)

I find what is hard too is that with people, you are expected to be happy for everyone. 
Today someone announced at work they are expecting.  I sat and smiled, oohed and aahed.  And yet inside I just wanted to call my oh and have a cry. And then to make it worse someone said 'you just need to relax and it will happen'.  If I had a pound for everytime someone says that, I wouldn't need to do the lottery.   
Unless people have been through it they really don't understand.  Someone else said 'a stressful job can have an effect on fertility', and yet he has 4 kids, so how can he even comment.  I don't want to get angry at people, but Infertility makes you angry with them. 
I wish you all good luck in getting bfps. x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Flow

Big hugs to you    It makes me sooooo mad when we hear the old comments of "just relax, it'll happen"!! Like you, if I had a pound for every time I'd heard that one!  I've also had "the stressful job won't be helping you know!" like everyone who's ever fallen pregnant in the world must have a calm and serene job - I think not!  You did very well to hold it together after you'd heard the announcement, I'm not so sure I would have, I think I would have had to leave the room  

Sending lots of love, luck and positivity to everyone reading this post     

 xx


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## ilovekids (Aug 12, 2011)

Hiya. I know exactly what you mean. Someone once said to me when asking whether I have some good news to tell (ie. Am I pregnant) that 'come on, you need to try harder'. I didn't even know what to say in response. I just tried to hold back my tears. She doesn't know about the problems we are facing, but clearly after 4 years of trying is it not common sense that we are facing some problems. I haven't spoken to her since, I'm afraid she might say something insensitive again, eventhough she might not mean to hurt me. Infertility is hard but I have learnt to concentrate on making my husband happy and focusing on the things that we enjoy doing. I do sometimes still have a cry day though.


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Oh....my....

I was just in total shock when I just read your post and saw that someone actually said to you "come on, you need to try harder"!!!!!!!!!    No surprise you haven't spoken to her since.  That's what I try and do too, try to do nice things with DH and remind ourselves that we still love each other even if we're never lucky enough to have children  

xx


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## angela123 (Feb 15, 2010)

Hi, Nosilib
My heart went out to you reading your first post.... life can be crap cant it?

Just read through the posts here, I think we have all had stupid, insensitive people say such hurtful things...over the last 5 years comments that have been made to me would make your hair curl! One person in particular informing me that after my MC it was “not my time” to be a mother!..... 

And yes infertility changes you in ways that are indelible and permanent and I am not the girl I once was…as you can see from my ticker I am on my way to fulfilling my longed for dream, but I must inform you that the light hearted girl I once was has long gone never to return replaced by a nervous anxious woman who KNOWS that bad things happen to good people but I also I hope someone who has more compassion and understanding of people.
Let's be honest us IF girls would never say such insensitive and callous comments that others would because we had walked down the more difficult road… so I like to think what has been taken away is replaced by other trait's.. if I can give you any info on DE please PM.
love and luck..
Angela xx


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## Klingon Princess (May 10, 2007)

When I was at university I had a older married friend who was trying to get pregnant.  I remember how she measured her temperature everyday and I remember so clearly her talking about her IVF attempts. she had ME which was making it harder for her.  She got her dream in the end after several years trying but I didnt understand and probably wasnt as supportive as I could have been.  I didnt understand her desperate desire to be a parent, didnt understand why she didnt just adopt.  How could I?  I was 20 and naive. I tried to be supportive I just didnt understand. Now I'm 40 and I am infertile, Ive been trying to conceive for nearly 12 years.
I lost touch with this girl several years ago.  I wish I could tell her that I understand now.  And I know she would tell me that she wishes I didnt.


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