# In desperate need of support and hope



## Tulipbaby357 (Apr 25, 2017)

Where do I start? Today is a really bad day. I’ve stayed away from ** and Instagram but decided to check out Instagram and saw that a girl I had worked with in Hawaii and who had given up hope of ever conceiving had just given birth to boy/girl twins. Instead of giving me hope it absolutely gutted me. I’m happy for her but every success who beats the odds makes me feel like more like a failure. Don’t get me wrong, I am at a point where even those with the best of intentions don’t know what to say. So here is my story in a nutshell:
Age: 44
Status: married 18 years
IVF own eggs 2 bfn
IVF DE 2. 1 early chemical pregnancy, 1 bfn
Hypothyroid 

I’m contemplating giving it one more try but am I delusional? Who at this point has had a success story after 18 YEARS of infertility? . I feel so incredibly lonely and sad and just don’t know what to do anymore 😔I hope someone out there can relate and help. Thank you for reading this


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## Mochashosh (Jan 23, 2018)

Hello Tulipbaby

I'm not sure I can help but I don't want to read and run.  I do completely see where you are coming from, especially with respect to every success feeling more like a failure, because I definitely feel the same way.  It's almost impossible for people to say the right thing.

I can't tell you whether to stop or continue; that is your decision as a couple, and yours alone.  Is there anyone you can talk things through with?  Could you see a consultant as a one-off and see if there's anything else they can advise in terms of new protocols or testing?  I think that whatever decision you make you must be sure that you have explored every available avenue so that you're not plagued by "What if?"

My despair echoes yours, but I'm sure that doesn't help you.

Take very good care of yourself.  I know it's naff to say, "I understand", but I do.

xxx


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## Tulipbaby357 (Apr 25, 2017)

Dear Mocha,

Just your sweet response means so much. I think the loneliness, the feeling of being an outcast is the hardest. I am originally from the Netherlands but live in Seattle with my American husband. People here are generally quite different and that makes it harder. Whenever I travel “home” it feels like I can be open about my condition. Not so here. I’m so sorry that you are in the same boat as I, I always tell my husband that I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Thank you for writing that I should not think what if, you are absolutely right. It’s what has kept me going all these years. I truly appreciate you writing to me and can only say that I hope we both get to find peace in this journey we are on xxx


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## andrea75 (Jun 20, 2010)

I feel the same after a very long journey... 5 fresh cycles and 1 FET. Now we have funds for a cycle but we have to decide on OE or DE? Or do we even bother? 

I’m sorry it’s so isolating where you are and you only feel able to discuss it when you are home. What is your DH saying?


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## Tulipbaby357 (Apr 25, 2017)

Thank you Crazycats42,

You have been through the wringer too, the question really is how long do we go on for isn’t it? As far as choice, I didn’t really have any. My FSH was already pointing to that I was a poor responder in my 20s. I couldn’t deal with the thought of DE for many years. Some people grow to accept that path sooner than others I suppose. How do you feel about it? DH is in the unenviable position of bearing witness to my unending suffering but knowing that it is ultimately up to me how long I want to go on for. He loves me with or without children. There is unfortunately no magic number by when we succeed, that’s the agony of the whole process, isn’t it? What if..


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## Momfor4 (May 4, 2016)

You are absolutely not delusional. It definitely can hapen with DE. Maybe not with your own eggs, but defo with DE IVF. Multiple Clinics in Europe does offer DE IVF wit money back guarantee, so they truly do know it is possible. So in case no live birth within 3 cycles (different between clinics), money 80% back . Private clinics would not offer this if they would not have strong stats behind of this. If you are ok with DE route, I recommend to explore clinic stats on success rates as well. If I understand correctly you have done 2 DE? Rounds or 2 embryo transfers?


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## dumbwing07 (Feb 4, 2012)

Tulipbaby357 - there is an amazing lady on here who has just given birth to a DE beautiful baby girl after years and years of trying, facing every hurdle and medical issue going and she is over 40 and never gave up. I think it really has to be ok with you deep down to give up, if you have the means, I would have one good shot at DE so you know in your heart you have tried, then if worst comes to worst and it doesnt happen, you know you have tried. I have everything crossed for you if you decide to go again xxx


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## StrawberrySundae (Jan 30, 2017)

I have had 8 transfers and 6 miscarriages and the same age as you, still at it!! It hasn’t got easier and DE can be just as disappointing! Have you done immune investigations? Don’t give up if you don’t feel like it   Take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy xx


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Tulip do look up Essie on here and look at her amazing story. Essie told her story recently in the Daily Mail. Inspirational lady she is. https://www-dailymail-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6347843/amp/I-menopause-36-Im-mum-13-years-later-nine-rounds-IVF-costing-60-000.html?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQHCAFYAYABAQ%3D%3D#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailymail.co.uk%2Fnews%2Farticle-6347843%2FI-menopause-36-Im-mum-13-years-later-nine-rounds-IVF-costing-60-000.html this is the link to her article.
TCCx


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## Tigs33 (Jan 31, 2014)

Hi Tulip,

We were in a similar position to yourself, although not trying to conceive naturally for as long, I am currently 37+4 with DE (2nd try with DE and 4th try with IVF overall), with this round of IVF we used a company that guaranteed a successful outcome (a live baby - not just pregnant) or 70% of our fee back, this took a lot of pressure financially as well as emotionally off us, and worked first time and we have 5 frozen good grade embroys which we hope to provide a sibling.  

Although not the most cost effective option, it made me far more relaxed and I wouldn't change it for the world.  Is there anything similar you could do if funds allow?


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## andrea75 (Jun 20, 2010)

Tigs33 said:


> Hi Tulip,
> 
> We were in a similar position to yourself, although not trying to conceive naturally for as long, I am currently 37+4 with DE (2nd try with DE and 4th try with IVF overall), with this round of IVF we used a company that guaranteed a successful outcome (a live baby - not just pregnant) or 70% of our fee back, this took a lot of pressure financially as well as emotionally off us, and worked first time and we have 5 frozen good grade embroys which we hope to provide a sibling.
> 
> Although not the most cost effective option, it made me far more relaxed and I wouldn't change it for the world. Is there anything similar you could do if funds allow?


I'd be interested in what clinic you used?


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## Lily0750 (Aug 1, 2015)

Hi Tulipbaby,

As other ladies mentioned some ladies had more than 4 attempts before they got a baby.

I am 48 and 10w 5d pregnant. It is my 4th attempt and 1st with Newlife Thessaloniki.
I would suggest to have a consultation with Newlife (i think it is free) and see how you feel about them.
They are very thorough and do everything to help patients to get a life baby, not just make pregnant.


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## Tigs33 (Jan 31, 2014)

Hi crazycats, we used Manchester Fertility and did the Access Fertility donor refund scheme (3 fresh attempts with as many frozen eggs as we would have got in those three fresh cycles) xx



Crazycats42 said:


> Tigs33 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi Tulip,
> ...


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## bombsh3ll (Apr 19, 2012)

Tulipbaby,

I know how devastating infertility is, but having come out the other side with a DE baby I just wanted to reach out and give you a bit of hope and say that objectively I don't think your prospects are as dire as you're probably feeling at the moment. 

Now, you say you have had 18 years of infertility, but only 4 IVF. Has a cause ever been identified? You mention being hypothyroid - has your TSH been less than or equal to 2.0 at the time of your IVF cycles? This is the optimal level for fertility as per many clinics, although TSH for the general public is considered normal if below 4.5.

Coming back to IVF; how old were you when you did OE? This may sound harsh/insensitive but I mean it in the best way - if you were 40 or over when you did OE, don't count them as "failed cycles" as in I've had x many tries and it hasn't worked. Yes, some women are successful with OE over 40, but statistically the chances are minuscule and I personally don't believe in OEIVF past 40 unless for psychological benefits eg allowing you to "move on" to DE. (Note I was 31 when I opted for DE, for reasons other than age/egg quality/quantity). I personally wasn't bothered about DNA, but I understand some people do pursue OE with really poor chances for this reason. 

So, if your OE cycles were post 40, you have really only had two transfers with any realistic prospect of success. 

It takes the average woman 3 cycles to succeed with IVF, hence the common recommendation for 3 NHS cycles to be offered or for patients to budget for 3 cycles if entering into IVF. Also, bear in mind a "cycle" is classed as the fresh cycle followed by transfer of all frosties from that round. 

As you are already using DE, I think you have every reason to still be hopeful. Go over and address any factors that may have been identified - in my case these were hydrosalpinx and poor sperm for example. You may have different issues or none. Make sure your thyroid is treated to the recommendations of your clinic before any further treatment. 

Finally if cost is an issue, something I learned about too late in the day but would probably have done first had I known about it, was embryo adoption. This basically gives you another chance at a fraction of the price if your hubby is comfortable with this too. (we actually tried post-birth adoption but were rejected prior to embarking on IVF so genetics weren't an issue at all for us).

Good luck, you have every reason to remain hopeful if you plan further treatment. 

B x


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## kgemini (May 11, 2016)

What an inspirational story, you have given me new hope.



Tincancat said:


> Tulip do look up Essie on here and look at her amazing story. Essie told her story recently in the Daily Mail. Inspirational lady she is. https://www-dailymail-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6347843/amp/I-menopause-36-Im-mum-13-years-later-nine-rounds-IVF-costing-60-000.html?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQHCAFYAYABAQ%3D%3D#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailymail.co.uk%2Fnews%2Farticle-6347843%2FI-menopause-36-Im-mum-13-years-later-nine-rounds-IVF-costing-60-000.html this is the link to her article.
> TCCx


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## nicky_nacky_noo (Oct 12, 2012)

Hi, if you'd like a little story of hope here's ours. TTC for 7 years, 2 failed OEIVF, 4.5 failed DEIVF (1 mmc @10wks) Got pregnant aged 42 on 5th DEIVF attempt. My little bundle arrived safely in February x


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

nicky_nacky_noo - amazing story, congrats


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## Clarabelle71 (Jan 14, 2016)

Tulipbaby , Iam 47 and had my first baby in August. Had infertility since trying at age 38/39. First ivf was negative at 44 , HD was against de at first. Had natural pregnancy but a loss at 7 week scan. I was heartbroken and had to stay off of social media as my close friend posted her baby scan photos just 2 weeks after my loss. Dh was on board with de cycle. I had to first take synthroid for thyroid and metformin for pre diabetes but got pregnant first try with Team miracle dr Firdevs. Best of luck x


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## Tulipbaby357 (Apr 25, 2017)

Hello Tiggs, thank you for the tip and congratulations on your successful pregnancy. We have looked into more cost effective options. The clinic we went with was there first time I had ever gotten pregnant so it was hopeful. We did a fresh cycle and then a frozen cycle with the same donor. The eggs that were frozen were not as good quality as the fresh cycle so it was less of a surprise when it didn’t work. Feeling a bit more ready to jump on the wagon again. Did you have to maintain your thyroid at a certain level? I hope I will be able to share good news of my own soon


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

I was 45 when I first started treatment so went straight to DE for the best chance of success and for my finances, as I am doing it on my own. I had two failed treatments, changed clinics and was subsequently lucky. My third attempt, with new donors, was successful and my double donation cycle resulted in my son who is now 4. I was 47 when I had him. I also had 3 frosties. I had an FET and my daughter is now 2, born when I was 49. I am planning a further cycle as  have two frosties left.
Good luck


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## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

since Jan I started reading books instead of visiting Insta or **. Just now I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I would advise to find something/smb that motivates you, inspires and give positive energy to fight and reach your goals.


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