# Am i being daft?



## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hi folks, I'm looking for some advice and reassurance!!  

I know this is probably a bit daft, but it's really eating me.  I'm really worried that I won't bond with our child  (once we've got one!).  

It's been building for months, but now we're approved it's getting scarier.  I think a big part of the problem is my work.  I've worked full time with children for the past 10 years, and as part of my work I've had to learn to "turn off" my emotions - self preservation I guess.  Of course infertility has taken it's toll too.

I'm worried I can't find the switch to "turn on" my emotions again when it comes to being with children, otherwise I'm a really emotional person, it's just when it comes to children.

I know everything there is to know about attachment through my work, am reading a Dan hughes book about it, adoption books about it and know loads of practical tips.  I'm looking for a rear facing pushchair and have a colleague on stand by to teach me baby massage, but I'm still so scared that it won't happen, and know it is such as important aspect of adoption.

I've gone part time at work to start easing myself into mummyhood which has helped.  My SWer senior pointed out that my work could cause me difficulties in bonding, and we heard an adoption lawyer talk about how important attachment is on the legal process, and I'm so worried our adoption is going to be a disaster.  

Are there any adoptive mums who can advise or anyone else have the same worries as me?

thanks 
Bx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Boggy

Didnt want to read and run - wanted to give you a big 

Have no advise however i think this is a common worry ( i know its something i have worried about)

xxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

boggy i dont think you're being daft at all
I have worked with children all my life, since my early teens..I'm a trained nursery nurse and have worked in all different types of childcare and all different ages. i also switched off the emotions as a necessary coping strategy...and i too was worried that perhaps they'd been switched off too long...but i can tell you most definitely they are switched on now, nearly 4 weeks into placement! I've found that its all just opened right up again, it all feels really natural and all the years of experience are really coming to fruition...Its so much easier for me to concentrate on what littlie is feeling/needing/wanting because I'm not worrying about little things like what food should i feed her, should i cut it up more, how much milk should she drink, is the bathwater too deep, how does the car seat strap work, should i carry her up the stairs or is it safe to let her crawl? (just picking out a few of the many things dh has had to get his head around!) Because those little things are just a piece of cake for me i'm looking at HER all the time and picking up on what i can do to help me and her bond.
It sounds like you are really doing your homework and preparation is good but dont get het up on it. i spent one night of intros worrying that littlie hadnt bonded with the FM all because we went to an attachment talk which frightened the hell out of me and all of a sudden i was LOOKING for things that werent really there.
i'm not sure why the sw thinks there might be diifculties for you..i'm racking my brains to think what work you could do to provoke that sort of comment 
try not to worry, I'm sure you will be fine, once you meet the child that is right for you, i'm sure it will all come flooding back

kj


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Thanks MJ and Keemjay

Keemjay - I too trained and worked as a nursery nurse and I hadn't thought of the benefit that the knowledge this has given me will help in the bonding thing - I won't worry so much about the practical things.  Thanks, that helped.  I now work for a children's charity. Without going into too much detail, my job is to keep vulnerable children with their mums, and failing that then be part of the decision making process when children may be removed - and of course now I am on the receiving end it's caused me lots of emotional conflict.  The social work dept are going to make sure we aren't linked with a child who I may have worked with or heard of.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has worried about this!  I've been following your story closely, and am delighted things are working out well for you.  

Bx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Boggy

Just wanted to offer my support  
You are certainly not alone on this one.

I expect that most mums-to-be have these anxious feelings about how they'll respond to a new arrival. 
I can't honestly remember much about my feelings before our daughter arrived as I seemed to be all over the place, giggling on the ceiling one minute, and crying like a baby the next!! I was an emotional wreck, and I guess it's just down to natural nerves and excitement, and main thing being, the unknown.

Now almost 3 years after meeting our daughter, I am starting to feel nervous about bringing a second child into our home. And it seems so silly to me, because I am a mum, and I know I shouldn't worry about it. But I cannot imagine loving another child like we do our daughter. But I know, and hope, that it'll come as naturally to us 2nd time round.

Sure you will be fine

x


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi sorry I have not responded to this message before.

What you are feeling is quite normal and I myself felt like how you are feeling now and that was after we'd adopted our son & fostered a baby via concurrency.

I was worried that when we met our DD that we would not love her, that we would not feel the same about her as we did our foster daughter & had we rushed into adoption so soon after our foster baby was returned.

All the questions we had simply disappeared as soon as we met her.

Yes we loved her from the first moment the SW handed her into my arms and I saw her big blue eyes staring up at me.

We felt more not the same about our DD than our foster baby & NO we hadn't rushed into adoption after the foster baby was returned.

Our DD moved into our house exactly 1 year after our foster baby went back to her BPS & it was the best thing we ever did.

I think what you are feeling is normal, nerves and a feeling of everything is out of your control.

Once you find you have potential matches and you read information on them I can guarantee that any feelings of doubt will disappear.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Boggy
I think its a pretty normal feeling, I know I worry about it.  

My biggest worry at the moment is how will we know the right child/ren?  Does our SW really know us well enough to do her bit?  

I hope though that when we do meet our children all those worries will disappear like all the lovely stories on here.

Love
OT x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Thanks everyone, all your comments have helped.  It's done me good to hear that I'm not losing my mind and what I'm feeling is normal.  I'm the kinda person who doesn't respond well to the unknown, and thanks to you all I'm feeling more calm and less stressed!

My overactive mind is probably trying to find something to fill the waiting for a match!!

Bring it on!!!!  

Bx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Bit late with the reply but here goes.  What you are feeling is perfectly natural, to be honest I had that feeling right up until we brought our children home.  Even after we were matched it didn't seem real looking at photos and during the intros although I felt the attraction straight away again it didn't feel real.  I think part of it was a self defence mechanism, after years of if tx and a bad m/c I couldn't quite believe I was really going to be a Mum, I was subconsciously waiting to be hurt again.

It was only when we got our DS home and shut the doors on the SWs that I suddenly realised this is it, this beautiful child is really ours to love and cherish.  Now nearly 3 years down the line and another child added to the family that love continues to grow.  Obviously there are days when I would gladly throw both of them through the window   but I love my kids to bits and can't imagine my life without them.  

Like you said, all this waiting is bound to make anybody's mind get overactive.  I suggest you concentrate on all those things you can do now without the kids and get as much sleep as possible  

Hope you get a match soon.

love
Cindy


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## shivster (Jan 17, 2007)

Hi

Not daft at all - we are just coming to the end of an emotional, tiring, exciting, nerve wracking, week of introductions. (Our son should move in on Wednesday 14th) 

I have to say I was concerned too, more concerned about his reaction to us than our reaction to him tho. 

I did have concerns about bonding, you see it is in my opinion no way similar to having a newborn placed on your chest but it has been equally amazing for me to feel our emotions and to see how quickly he bonded with us. 

I'm probably not helping with my ramblings, I will however send you some bubbles and my very best wishes for you and yours!


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Thanks Shivster, I'm feeling a bit more peaceful about it all.

I'm busy wallpapering the spare room with lovely paper with stars on it thinking that one day soon there will be a wee toddler in a cot with out-stretched arms wanting their mummy.  Just waiting on that magic phonecall!  

thanks
Bx


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