# emerging from the dark



## recorder (Jun 14, 2009)

had 7 years of infertility - no help whatsoever from doctors and nurses.  Was told to always 'go away and relax' so i did because I trusted doctors up to that point.  V long story - ended up on my own initiative at at fertility clinic age 39 2008; told only donor eggs would work.  Had one cycle at massive costs - BFN.  Waited 7 months, had laparoscopy revealing 'perfect' uterus for my age (40).  Had second cycle of donor egg IVF at massive costs - took all my salary over that period - and had 'perfect' uterine lining, 'perfect' artificial hormones, 'perfect' blastocyst .... BFP    miscarried 10 days later.    D&C operation 8 weeks after miscarriage failed to actually come on.  Exhaustion. 
Two perfect blastocysts in freezer.  Survived the thaw and were described as 'best blastocysts we've had for a long time'.  Transferred 2 weeks ago.
Last Friday pregnancy test .... told BFN.  Went to meetings all day in London, nearly lost control of everything.
Came home later ... clinic emailed to say BFN was 'half positive/faint line' so continue meds and have another blood test.
Await HCG blood test Mondy to confirm pregnancy non viable and yes actually negative. 

This journey has been 9 years since 2002.  Went through menopause / going through menopause about now (when not on artificial meds for donor cycle) so now 41 and having to take on board all of recent events.
Have best husband in the world luckily and through all this, we know we want to parent.

And to be honest, so so so sorry to put all this down here but sometimes i wonder if i really have gone crazy trying to cope with all this and not tell anyone 'normal'.  I am ashamed of my failures and the IVF clinic refuses to let on that there are others who fail in this way, or rather that the treatment fails.  They only tell me time and time again 'miracles happen'.  they tell me time and time again 'we had a lady with a grade D embryo, fibroids etc and she got pregnant, we had this, that the other ... and yet every time they never acknowledge my struggle as if i was the first one to fail in this way.
We've been thinking about adoption for a year because we know we want a CHILD not a tiny baby and we know we want to parent and help raise someone.

I feel the oldest parent in the world - we've struggled to get treatment, can trust no-one as they always gave us the brush off.  Pathetic as it seems i stand here crying for hugs because enough is enough.    

We want to be parents and we love the idea of helping a child be the best it can.  I feel so isolated - i wish to find a group of people who, like yourselves, are celebrating helping a child who otherwise would look forward to nothing but misery.


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Recorder

Sorry to read of your frustrations with the clinic, been there done that!  We had 10 x tx with male factor (but that icsi could cure) before we called it a day, miscarried at 12 weeks and a couple of early mcs.  Went to clinic in Spain and were told should never have used DH's sperm after some tests, I'm sure you can imagine how angry and gutted we were.

Adoption has given us our son who is a perfect match to our family and we are now waiting to find our 2nd child.  Its not always easy but then no parenting is and the process can be hard and frustrating but the end result is so worth it.

Good luck with your new journey and don't be afraid to ask any questions.

OT x


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## recorder (Jun 14, 2009)

have known for a long time we will be adoptive parents - but had to tread the journey first. Our son/daughter is possibly born already and might be alive or about to be born. Friday was _their lucky day_ although we might not meet for some time.

What actually does bug me is the IVF clinic who is relentlessly positive. They just will not admit people struggle and they have never ever talked about others' failures etc. I think it is because they desperately want ot help us all and need to keep reminding themselves that what they do works ... sometimes. It does, but only for a small fraction of people - often those people spend huge amounts, waste time, try again and again and again and go through Hell before they get the famous baby.

Why can't they just admit - it mostly does not work!!! I would find it so much easier if they admitted this is the norm - it makes you feel less isolated and alone which only adds to your pain.  They are not good at moral support in the way that a counsellor is - they need to train their nurses in that area i think given the amount we pay them.


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

Hi 

firstly sending you a huge hug as you really do seem to be at the end of your tollerance and screaming to be heard

I hear you and there will be lots of other ladys that also hear you 

As far as the IVF clinics are concerned you said a word that I think is key "the amount we pay them" I may be wrong but we found that was all that mattered to them 

In my mind they know that the childless will do anything to have a child and will try to look for the possitive signs and that is all they have to feed us to get us to hand over a few more thousand! 

Any way...........as I said I hear you!

If you do decide adoption is the right route for you then you will join a new club full of parents to children who have slightly different needs but where the love is no less real or connected x 

I would say though hun I think you do need to give yourself a little time to come to terms with things before starting your journey as I think you do need to grieve the loss of birth children as well as the treatment you have recieved 

I hope you are ok xxx


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## recorder (Jun 14, 2009)

yes i will survive and thanks for the message.

But why don't people admit it? IVF works in only a minority of cases - WORLDWIDE the stats are around 30% success. Sometimes donor eggs can help if you are lucky. The science is 'crude' because science is a matter of perspective ... in 500 yrs from now they will look back at what we were doing and marvel at the courage of women and men who put themselves through it. Some people are lucky first time with twins, others let it take over their life year after year, thousands and thousands of pounds for tests that are inconclusive and treatments that _let them down_. You either 'believe' or you do not. Often, even when you are successful it is _not_ a result of anything anyone did - it is nature because there is too much scientists still do not know and sometimes success is attributable to things that were done ... but those things cannot be guarranteed as the cause of the success.

Tremendous congrats to all those for whom it works and thanks to all the hard work of the consultants etc. But there is a lot of politics here and I wish more was said in public about the failures and about the fact that the fertility industry can only help a few, no matter what is done for them and no matter how much is paid.

We will not rush to adoption - but our treatment has helped clarify two things:
1 our marriage is rock solid and our love is absolute
2 we want to parent at least one child eventually and that is absolutely clear. I also want 'a child', not just a pregnancy or 'baby' which I thought was a good first step.


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

IVF is a business first and foremost and every business has to make profit, in terms of ivf they are making huge profits for the very reason you said - people will pay and do anything to get a baby.  We spent a fortune but I don't regret any of our treatment and our clinic were very honest about the % of success (when we started out it was only 20-25% so no more than trying naturally).  Some clinics will just keep taking the money but there are some good ones that will not treat you unless you stand a reasonable chance, ie the same % as trying naturally.

There is a lot of politics around adoption as well so be prepared to find it frustrating as well.  The fact you know uyou want to 'parent' more than be pg and your relationship is solid is a very good start, you do need to really want to do this and have a solid relationship to put up with all the assessments and the waiting.

OT


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## recorder (Jun 14, 2009)

i think i knew it was time to adopt when I realised that _if someone gave me £20,000 tomorrow i would not spend it on donor egg IVF! _When I started the process, I just thought 'oh well, if i can save the money i will get the result i want'. So it's a different mentality.

that's the end point and i am glad i have reached it - tremendously relieved to say that.

mind you, would still take the money!!!!


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Recorder,

My heart really went out to you when I read your story 
It brought out a lot of emotions I have been going through,but thought I but to bed.

I really hope you get your much for family.
I myself have recently had my second m/c and are now looking into adoption.
When you have been through what we have been through I think it makes us stronger and hopefully we will be able to cope with the adoption prosses with ease.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hopefully one day I will read that you and dh are a mummy and daddy.
Take care and best of luck
Skyblu.xx


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## recorder (Jun 14, 2009)

as i said, i think really i know that i have reached a conclusion because if i won the lottery i would not think 'right, more donor egg treatment round the corner'.  But of course there is the grief.  THing is, with me, I have a fantastic set of physical structures, and good male 'potential'  .... nothing wrong at all, except no eggs!  It occurred to me today that actually i get pregnant 'easily'  because i have had two donor egg successes except of course in IVF it's so difficult to choose the right egg and i personally believe even if you have a crop of 20 or so, often there is only one or two that will come good.  If you get them, then brilliant, if you do not, you know the story!  ALso if you egg share - and i relied an another woman's egg share generosity, the chances are halved even if she produces 20 eggs!!  I also had two young donors too - should never have miscarried really but that's the deal.  Pure bad luck nothing else.  No explanation, no rational logic, just luck.  My pain has lasted since 2002 and now i really want to move away from that.  It is eating my life away.
The emotional pain is the worst - no escaping it really.  I guess we plod on, get up tomorrow, get breakfast, lunch, go to work, come home and so it goes on.
time and again the clinic was always telling me how many bad grade eggs made babies, how many women with terrible fibroids and endo carried babies ... and it makes my failure more acute because the eggs i got were always v young, my lining was always 'perfect' as it was a medicated cycle because it was donor eggs, and the fertilization rate was always high.  Shows there is no guarantee for anything.   
My bad week - one future child's luckiest day and we will meet somehow and save each other's life i hope.    
When we parent eventually every day we will count our blessings and view the child as a miracle for that's what it will be.  Not every mother really knows that i think and possibly we are blessed for that understanding despite the pain.  Hard to make any sense of anything really .  I want to me more than a failed statistic.
No-one at the IVF clinic even said 'sorry/look afteryourself / you've had a bad time/ this will hurt but we wish you well you've been brave'etc.


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