# Back Home in Tears....Again



## Spirit2 (Sep 29, 2009)

Hello,

I have lurked, read and cried at all your posts but not posted much myself as I felt the floodgates would open. I posted the below on another thread but no-one responded.

I have had the worst year of my life. I had a large fibroid removed via abdominal myomectomy last year, I lost my Grandad whilst I was in hospital and my lovely Dad has just passed away. All the while the stress of TTC for 2 years has taken it's toll on my marriage. We have suffered an early miscarriage. We have just had our first round of IUI which has failed and they have found another small fibroid.

I am so worried how quickly a fibroid came back and how can I stop it getting worse. Can they remove fibroids again if they are problematic or do they just monitor them? What is going on in my body that has suddenly caused me to get them and how can I help myself? I just feel with getting older and having this I am on limited time to achieve what I have wanted for so long.

Anyway, my younger sister has just announced she is pregnant. I am devastated as she is due when I would have been. I cry every day about wanting to be a mum and it not happening. How can I watch my sister bloom and be around all the baby talk and all the cute stuff particularly as she is due when I would have been. I really wanted to share these experiences with my Mum first but now feel like the older redundant one.  I don't want this to sound the wrong way but I just don't know how I can be around there as I cannot bear seeing pregnant women in the street or at work or hearing people talk about their families. It will be everywhere I look now and I cant take it. I have just had more than enough and now I have to deal with this.

Sorry for the long post, I just don't know where else to turn. 

I was on my way into work today when I had such bad period pains (I was stupidly hopeful as I was 3 days late) and had to come home. I have been sick 3 times and it is really heavy and painful. I am in floods of tears. How does everyone cope with the immense disappointment and feeling like a failure?


----------



## poodlelover (Sep 3, 2009)

oh Spirit    

I am v sorry to hear you feel this way. I understand how u feel about ur sister "beating you to it" as that happened to me . After ttc for 6 years and a few BFNs she got pg after trying for a couple of months. I was devastated as you are but actually it wasn't as bad as it was with friends pgs. My nephew is now 18 months old and I look after him a day a week while she is at work. I love him to bits and after all he is as close to my own as there is. We are doing a FET this month with full immune tx~ will be 6th tx. As for coping with the disappointment and sense of failure there is no answer to that I suppose you just learn to deal with it as best you can. I have had to avoid friends and events but so be it in order to preserve myself. The impact it has had on my marriage has been immense. On one hand only we know how hard IF is but on the other there are days where I feel v guilty that I havent been able to give my DH the chdn he craves.
As for your fibroids~ a friend of mine had many fibroids removed as well as endometriosis and went on to have twins with her first IVF. So don't lose hope!!! Keep posting on here~ it makes a difference just to share with other people in the same position.

Take care 

PL x


----------



## Hopeful J (May 7, 2008)

Hi Spirit, 

I just wanted to give you a huge     i really feel for you hun, i know those feelings only too well  

I cant offer any advice on fibroids as mine has been pretty much ignored so i dont have many facts about hem sorry hun. 

Regarding your sister, it was the same for me, my baby bro had 2 kids (now 8 and 4) i remember feeling so 'redundant' as well and like i had been robbed of that bonding with my mum over her 1st grandchild. It will be hard hun, especially as you want your own so so badly. But the silver lining is that you get to be an auntie. It will be you your niece/nephew comes to when they need advice and just cant talk to mummy and although its hard to imagine now, when you see them you will be filled with such love. 

Are you and your sis close and have you spoken about your feelings? Try talking to her, sisters are friends of the closest kind and her reaction may suprise you. Although my bros reaction was pretty much never to mention it   dont expect miracles regarding changing how you feel, you are entitled to 'grieve' for your situation you have been through enough   but take the 1st step, let go of the anger and get it off your chest xx

You may think i'm being patronising as i do have my angel now, but that doesnt mean i forget one single second of my tx journey and the 5/6 long years of ectopics, mcs,  bfns and praying my late af was 'the one'. Even now i was late for af and had a glimmer of hope for s sibling, even tho i know better it still hurts so i really do understand how you feel.  

You have to realise that you are NOT a failure, you didnt fail at anything it is out of your hands - you just have to keep some hope that it will happen for you  


Sorry if that is no help i really didnt want to read and run xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Libran (Dec 15, 2009)

Spirit
Your post really touched a chord with me.  .  I have an older sister who has 3 kids.  By far the worst aspect of IF for me has been watching the delight that my mother takes in her grandchildren and watching the relationship between my sister and mother change and deepen as they shared that common bond of motherhood.  I could never share in that experience - how could I - and it frequently felt that they were shutting me out, although I know it wasn't really deliberate on their part.  There are no easy answers to this, and I'm prob not the best person to advise, as I'm still battling myself.  I have tended to "withdraw" from family life (I'm ok with just myself and DH around) simply because I didn't know how else to cope.  I agree strongly with Hopeful H, you are entitlted to grieve and put yourself first at this difficult time.    However, do try and keep the lines of communication open.  If your relationship with your sister is better than mine, then it is definitely worth talking things through with her.  I have cut myself off, and once you do that, it's a one way street and incredibly difficult to go back.  Also, draw as much support as you can from your DH.  Thinking of you XX


----------



## Spirit2 (Sep 29, 2009)

Thanks for all your comments ladies. I am glad others understand particularly regarding my sister. I feel that I will definitely be the outcast now that my Mum and sister will be bonding over things. 
The main issue for me is that my sister and her husband have moved in with my Mum (since my lovely Dad has just passed away) and so I will not even be able to escape it at all. I don't live near home, not out of choice I would love too (but perhaps not at the moment) but my husband has his job in the city. I don't want my Mum to have to take sides but my sister hasn't really been very supportive. She just says that children are not the be all and end all (then why the hell is she doing it) and I should look at surrogacy or adoption. 
I am of course not innocent in all this and have been feeling bitter and angry about it all. I have been struggling over the last few years and have been getting more and more depressed and tending to stay in with my lovely husband who has had to put up with so much from me.
I really don't like this angry and bitter person that I have become. Most days I just wish I could stay under the duvet and not face life.


----------



## Hopeful J (May 7, 2008)

dont we all hun  

This anger and bitterness manifests because NO ONE, even our nearest and earest, understand the pain. No matter how good their intentions nor how much they care for and support you will make them understand the pain of IF and sometimes when they're all happy going about thier daily lives you just want to grab them and shout 'DONT YOU UNDERSTAND.........' i even found myself not listening to dp as in my eyes he could go off any time he chose whereas i was stuck with the IF aspect. We want them to understand the grief - they want us to get over it   

Its easy to say children arent the be all and end all when you can get pg by blinking   but she probably wasnt trying to hurt you hun she just doesnt know what to say   i dont think they understand we want our baby not 'any' baby (am sure you've also experienced friends not knowing how to act with their kids around you, some didnt even want to mention them like i was plotting to steal their babies   ). But even when you get that it never stops hun, the next issue will be everyone asking about siblings not thinking that just because you were lucky the once, does not mean you'll have that luck again. Like you, i tended to stay away from things and DP and I had our own life. Not realising i was isolating myself. 

Dont do it to youself, some days you'll hate everyone, some days you wont but its sounds like you blame yourself and thats not right hun. But you will never ever be an outcast, your family love you. 

If going to your mums is a bit much for you why not have girly lunches out? turn it into an excuse to get out so when you do visit your mum you 2 have things to do, forming your own bond through experiencing new things together. 


If all else fails you always have this site and i'm sure i speak for many ladies on here when i say you can talk to any of us at any time we all understand xxxxxxxxx


----------



## charlie321 (Feb 2, 2009)

Hi Spirit  

I just found your post and I had to write something as I found it really touching. My sil announced she was pg in Nov and hearing it felt like I was trying to swallow a fridge. Eventually I actually became excited at the prospect of being an aunty but she sadly miscarried in her 11th week. To top that off my nan died last month so this year is not going so well at the mo  . I totally understand that horrible bitterness about other people's pgs too.  I just logged onto ******** to find friends have put their very detailed 16 week scan pic as their profile pics.  It really hurts to have to see that but I can't delete them or it would be difficult to explain as they don't know I'm having IF issues.  It's hard having to socialise with pg couples but it's not their fault and they are entitled to a happy life. That doesn't make it any easier though.  For me, it helps knowing there are people on this forum that understand and can give you support. This place is my little ray of light and keeps me going. It also keeps me hopeful that i will eventually have my bfp.  Other people's words of advice are better than mine but i wanted to share with you that you are not alone in how you feel.

Take care
Charlie
xxx


----------



## Spirit2 (Sep 29, 2009)

Hopeful J you have hit the nail on the head when you say we our families/friends to understand our grief when all they want to do is get over it. Apart from having the "why don't you adopt" line thrown at me they also want me to get counselling to "sort my head out". 

Charlie - I agree with your comments re other people's announcements and I really don't know anyone who is struggling as they all seem to be able to pop them out soon after trying. That is why I like retreat to the forums like this on the internet as you can share but still remain anonymous. It just helps to understand that you are not the only person going through this difficult time


----------



## maybe tomorrow (Jul 5, 2008)

IF is such a "taboo" subject to so many people, unless you are in that situation no-one can understand it. I m having things thrown at me almost daily that I have to try to deal with, and it is so so hard, I hate facing people, hate the thought of questions...I went out the other day and bumped into an old school friends, the first question is- "how are your kids" - so then I have to try to just say "oh i havent got any", then they say why not, etc etc etc - it drives me insane!!!  
I too am struggling like crazy at the moment, I returned to work about 3 weeks ago, and all seemed to be going ok - apart from the odd comment and the twinges of pain I get...
Then on Monday, one of the lads I work with grabbed me from behind, which made me jump out of my skin, and subsequently pulling myself... since then I have had a swollen tummy like Im six months pg and terrible pain. I feel like this has put my recovery back and have been so tearful since then, and I feel like you Spirit - pull the duvet over and not have to face the world..
I too feel like I am a bitter and twisted miserable cow, I have never been miserable, always quite happy, until now...I want to find the old me and wish I did not have to have had the TAH - it has changed everything about me  
Even though my IF tale is over, Spirit please try not to lose hope - there are lots of lovely ladies on here, who have had terrible journies, but have become parents...and I hope and pray that you become one of them.
My gorgeous DP has just text me to say go over to his tonight if I need company - He has his little girls tonight and the last thing I want to do is intrude on his special time that he has with them; the last thing they all need is me being miserable and unhappy. 

Sending you lots of love and hope.
Karen xxxx


----------



## tinky2511 (Aug 14, 2009)

hi, I can understand how you feel.  Im just recovering from my second ectopic pregnancy (discovered at 10 weeks) I had my left tube removed two weeks ago, I have also had seven miscarriages, and despite investigations I am no closer to finding out why i have recurrent miscarriage.  I have been hit particularly hard by this last pregnancy loss and am finding it very hard to deal with, at the momement I am an emotional mess, very tearful at the slightest thing.  My sister is six months pregnant and lives in Ireland so up til now I have not had to face her, but she is coming home next week for two weeks and I am dreading having to face her. I have just come from my mums and she is trying to organise things for when my sister comes home, I said that I did not think that I would be able to face her as it is too soon after this last loss, my mum went mad, and said that I just had to learn to accept things and that is that.  I like you do not like feeling like this and want to feel happy for my sister, but everytime i look at a pregnant women my heart and stomach flip, as it reminds me of what I have lost.  I too want to spend everyday under the duvet and not face people, I am feeling very low and alone at the moment.


----------



## Spirit2 (Sep 29, 2009)

Hi,

You sound like you have been through so much as well and now you have to face this. My mum initially tried to be supportive but neither my sister or her have had fertility issues so don't fully understand. In fact my mum and husband are getting tired of my crying and depression and now just want me to pull myself out of it. My sister and her husband are currently living with my mum so when I go home (they live 5 hours away) I will be faced with it. I think the thing is that it is such a visual reminder and you just feel like a failure as you are constantly reminded of things. Also they have a lot of friends who will just be talking about it all the time. My sister has not been supportive of things at all and I feel very hurt as I know if the tables were turned I would have supported her.


----------

