# don't know what's for the best



## mrsm2009 (Dec 4, 2009)

Hello ladies, wonder if I can join you.  I haven't had tx but you'll see from my notes that things haven't been altogether easy.  I lost my first baby to a fibroid that at the time I didn't know I had, the fibroid was discovered a few months later when I was given the impossible choice that leaving it in would mean never conceiving again as the fibroid was now so large and taking it out would mean I ran the real risk of never conceiving again due to scarring in the womb (it was a fibroid that was growing into the womb).  We had it out (on our first baby's due date of all dates) and were lucky enough to conceive our son a few months later.  

We know how very very lucky we are to have him and we are a very happy family of three.  However as all you lovely ladies know, the thought of another little bundle of sheer joy is so seductive.  Having said I could never go through the risk of loss again or the worry of another not very straighforward pregnancy (scarring, short cervix, baby lying transverse etc), we thought we'd leave it to fate and try and curveball another in (I'm 39). 

We have now had another missed miscarriage diagnosed last week at 8 weeks.  I'm going to hospital tomorrow for an operation as my body never wants to let my babies go   .  I just don't feel ready to add that to my notes yet.  

We just don't know what to do for the best now.  I'm already starting to feel those old familar feelings of jealousy, obsession, isolation and bitterness that I had after our first loss and while we were going through the ops and trying for our son.  I would hate for those feelings to affect our lovely little family.  Do we carry on trying and risk another loss?  What if we never conceive again?  (fibroids grow with pregnancy, it returned with my son and now will have grown again with this one.)  How long do we try again for, when do we draw the line?  How would we be able to draw the line?  It's an impossible choice isn't it.  

I am finding myself furious again with everyone to whom children come easily.  We have friends who got pregnant with the second and we only found out by seeing the bump - they just shrugged and laughed and said 'oh yes, we always forget to tell people about this one!' as it just comes so easily to them.  Their blase attitude had me boiling.  The same with two sets of friends who got preg with their second and third, merrily telling us about how their 12 week scans were family outings, telling their children they were going to see their brother or sister - I couldn't believe their arrogance/naivety, it felt like a personal slap in the face that of course these things only happen to people like me, not them.

Anyway, as you can see it's all pretty raw!  I know you can't tell me what to do, but I would dearly love to know your experiences with the worry of further loss or it never happening again, and the worry about 'spoiling' what we've been so lucky to have already. 

Thank you for listening and sending    to all who need them xxx


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

Hi mrsm2009,
So sorry to read what a tough time you've been having. It's hard enough not being able to conceive easily but when all your joy is squashed by a miscarriage it just makes the pain 100 times worse.
Feeling pain when friends seem to just fall pregnant is normal - at least I hope it is!!! My latest difficult experience was when 2 of my close friends managed to get pregnant at exactly the same time my IVF cycle failed - they'd even been kind enough to look after my daughter a bit for me when I had to go for scans and to help me "take it easy" during 2ww. I want to be pleased for them but it seems so unfair when they weren't even "trying".
It's hard to achieve a pregnancy when you've already one child - I feel like our daughter has lost out a bit as I've spent most of the last 3 years trying again, so not really living normal, fun relaxed lives. Instead being constantly aware of what day of my cycle I'm on, avoiding alcohol, caffeine and not wanting to book a holiday just in case I can't fly etc. She would have a more fun time if we weren't trying for a sibling. Every now and then I try and think about stopping TTC but as yet that thought really upsets me and makes me feel like even more of a failure. I guess everyone is different but when to "give up" is never going to be easy and I'm sure even if you do, you'll always secretly hope a miracle could happen.
I hope tomorrow isn't too horrible an experience for you - from friend's experiences similar to yours it's the wait before the actual operation that causes the most emotional pain. Do the hospital offer you counselling at all?
Not sure I'm a lot of help but just wanted to let you know that other people feel the same as you and that I'll be sending positive thoughts your way tomorrow


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## mrsm2009 (Dec 4, 2009)

Fififi, thanks so much for your reply and for sharing your thoughts and experiences   .  Sorry it's taken me a while to reply but the op was yesterday. 

I guess you're right, there's no 'magic bullet' that can take away doubts or fears, or the jealousy we can't help but feel of people who can just pop them out.  I guess we can just make our way on these journeys as best we can and stay aware of how we feel and trust that one day we'll just 'know' when to stop, if that day comes.  

That must be so hard having your friends get pregnant at the same time as your cycle didn't work out     .  It's awful when you want to be pleased for them but you just can't bring yourself to feel that way.  Please don't be too hard on yourself, we all know how it feels.  

Thank you, the op went as well as these things can go.  No, the hospital don't offer any counselling unfortunately, however I've been thinking of looking for some as like you I'm so aware of how the strain of trying again and all that comes with it can affect you and your loved ones around you.  I'm feeling the old familiar stirrings of the dark places I went to when we were trying to conceive my son - I thought I'd left those days behind after having him.  

Take care, thanks so much again, and      that your dream happens for you soon xxx


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## fififi (Mar 16, 2011)

mrsm2009,
Glad your operation is now over and you can begin the process of building yourself up again. Hope you have managed to find something nice to do over this weekend and aren't in too much discomfort physically.

If you do decide to go along the assisted conception route clinics are obliged to offer free counselling. As yet I've not taken advantage of this but am about to start my final IVF cycle (spent all we can now afford plus I'm 41 so time not in favour either) and feel like I'll be needing a lot of support if things don't work out.

It's such a horrid place to be - wanting a baby/child but not knowing if it is going to be possible. To be honest I'm finding a lot of things harder this time around. Most of the people I see regularly I know via my daughter and they're all now onto 2nd and 3rd babies - I feel more and more left out of our get together's and increasingly sad when cuddling latest addition. Am trying hard to be gushing friend but holding new born babies is a real challenge. Then there's the problem that my daughter (3) is baby obsessed and spends ages cuddling the babies and stroking their hair - constantly asking me if I'm growing a baby. Despite me telling her Mummy can't have babies easily she is ever hopeful. (Wish I could have her optimism!)

Sorry to have waffled on. I truly hope your journey takes a positive turn soon and you feel complete as a family. But, do take time now to grieve your loss.
Hugs fififi


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