# Facing reality...



## Forgetmenot

Well, today was my official, last and final bfn.  Gosh, thats hard to say aloud.

Its been a long journey and cant actually believe it has come to an end, and we still have nothing to show for our journey, except a purse full of credit cards and bills 

Its hard to believe that when you start this journey it might end this way.  I never wanted it to be us, but somehow knew it would be.  I am feeling calm and rational right now, but I am waiting the full impact.  We have yet to discuss the latest failure, as I do!!

So here I am, shouting it out, end of the road.  I often said in chat, its over, looking at other options, secretly hoping and having tx, as sometimes, its just hard to tell people what your doing, as everyone has a story and opinon about how your not doing it right or making an effort.  So here we are, tx number 8, done, over, finished.  No more planning.  The planner in me is looking at holidays and new cars, but really, this just masks the pain and the loss.  I actually dont know what to do.

I was thinking of booking a ski holiday for xmas as I cant do a family one, not now or in the future.... it smacks finality.  I wonder do we just blanket our families and say we are broken, to say how it is and that I just cant do it.  Yet another gathering for easter and I am making my excuses.... we are always on the out looking in and it breaks my heart.

Everyone in our families has the perfect family looking from the out in.  Am sure its all not a bed of roses, but it hurts to think we wont have this.  I think what is the plan for me, for dh?  will we be ok? I worry.

So here I am, a 36 year old at the end of their road..... cross roads... looking at what path to take.  Theres no going back, only junctions... and which path to take?  

Today, surprisingly calm outside... inside I am a shadow of myself.  In pieces, the what ifs, the maybes, the complete feeling of failure.  How to move on....

Its a horrible to place to be xx


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## Rowan22

Jen, I am so sorry. It's a stinking, horrible place to be. 

We never had tx, we couldn't afford it but I am amazed at how strong some people are, to go through so many treatments and still no baby. It must be so hard. 

You are in a rotten place right now. Do you think your family would really mind if you didn't join them for Easter? We have escaped from so many family get togethers because of the children issue. You need to think about yourself just now and what you feel you can cope with.

I'm sure other people will be on here soon and they'll respond. Thinking of you. BFNs are awful, I know and we only had natural ones.

Look after yourself.

Rowanxx


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## Dudders

Oh Jen, I'm so so sorry to hear this.  I'll be completely honest that I don't know what to say, I have no wise words for you, so in the meantime I'll send you lots of hugs xxx


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## Forgetmenot

Thanks Rowan, its such a challenging time... we're just not talking about it... I have put it in a box in my head and getting on. I know it is waiting for an erruption, and poor dh will get blasted.

I guess my biggest fear is pushing him away and building resentment..... its so hard x

Our families dont know about our struggles, so I guess they will think 'selfish sister' going away but I have done so much for my mum since dad, that actually it will be nice knowing mum is entertained and ok, and us having a few days away.

How did you guys work through? xxx


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## Forgetmenot

Lirac,
Congrats.  So good to hear of positive stories.  I think for me I need to draw a line in the sand and say its over.  I know if I dont i will be what ifs maybes should we shouldnt we and bankrupt ourselves.  Its just a head wreck.
I am avoiding thinking... I just cant do it now. I cant believe it is over or want to accept it.  Its just deverstating.
Thanks for your kind words xxx


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## Forgetmenot

Thanks dudders x


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## ♥JJ1♥

HI Jens I just saw your post and wanted to send you a    as I haven't 'chatted' for ages.  seems we both got a bfn!! I understand what you say about going back for another cycle- I explored -  surrogacy but it proved so hard  as a single person that I went to Serum for a last ditch attempt- another hysteroscopy and DE cycle.  


Take care hun xxx


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## moo84

Hi Jen,

I've just seen this post. I am so so sorry. There is not anything I can say that will make it better, but wanted to send you          
Take some time out for you and dh, don't push yourselves to talk about it, you will when you need to.
xxxxx


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## Rowan22

Hi Jen,

I agree with Moo, take some time out for yourself and your dh and just chill, for awhile.

I don't know how to move on, it's a process but it seems to take forever. I still get hit by all the emotions, even reading things in the news like the fact that the new archbishop of Canterbury has five kids. I can't help thinking, 'how did he get five and we don't have one?'

I've been posting on this board since 2009, I realised the other day. That is a looooong time!

But, on a brighter note, most people do move on and a lot of the people who were posting when I started _have _moved on. In some cases, that's on to adoption or surrogacy and sometimes the miracle's happened and they've got their babies. One thing I read somewhere was that whatever you decide right now it's not set in stone. You can always think again.

Look after yourself.

Rowanxx


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## Forgetmenot

That makes a little sense.... 

School holidays in 4 days time and then a week away to the middle of no where!!
Heres hoping we will be forced to talk... dh is guided by me, and wont bring it up until I do 
But need to talk.... had a little episode the other day driving to work... sometimes feel nuts in my car lol

Trying to think positive.... going to buy my silly car I always put off buying, as would be no good with a family and book a xmas holiday...

gosh this is going to cost me.... all to mask the pain... am sure it will get better, but thank you for your kind words xx


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## Debs

jensw   

I am so desperatly sad to read your update.

I think we are very good at wearing our masks    we are strong peolple - I have no idea how but we must be to deal with what we have been dealt with.

I know you are finding it hard to talk about it right now - but you need to    Whether that to us in here or to your dh or maybe a councillor?  I was exactly the same - and when I did open up I think the councillor wondered what the heck she had got on her hands    I cried and cried and cried which I hadnt been able to do and even though I felt like a bag of poo - in a weird way I did feel better for churning it all out.

Just remember you are allowed to be sad, angry, upset and all those other emotions you are feeling right now - dont be afraid of them they are natural.  One way or another you will find strength from somewhere and get through each day.

Its been 6 years now since my final tx (that realisation actually just shocked me!) but im still here and like my life now - its not the way I planned it and yes there are times when it does get me but im ok    It takes time but life can be good again and you will smile again.  Just dont try to put on your brave face if you dont feel like it - remember you are a person and you are going through a big time in your life right now.

Buy the car, plan that holiday - have something to focus on and look forward to and when you are back from that one - plan something else   As for family get togethers etc - if you dont feel like going then tell them so - you have to look after you.

If you need an ear you know we are all here for you.

Take care.

Love

Debs xxx


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## Forgetmenot

Thanks Debs, these things happen.... I am trying to be philosophical about it all... as in this is meant to be... this is the life I was meant to lead.... but hard to think that.  But hey ho.... I may look back one day an think, yes thats the reason  why!!!
I never thought I was a strong person, but when I reflect back over the last 2 years (the hardest in more ways than one), I have not had a break down, worked most days and carried on... so thats an achievement, however, I have been existing and not living and thats what I want to get right now.... it just the ways forward.... telling, not telling, but getting it out there if strong enough, to stop all the snipping (of the inlwas) and the kid questions.... and the why I avoid all family situations!!
I want to talk, but finding it really hard to put into words.  I have been seeing a counsellor on and off for two years... maybe a little mad!! To help with the processes of dads illness etc and IF.  I find it hard to talk, although have opened up more than I thought. I spend lots of energy fighting back the tears so not to look weak (stupid I nkow) as I think scared of what might come out!!
He has helped lots as I sometimes think its easier to talk with a third party, but then I dont think thats good either.... arghhhh!! I am sure it will all come out in the wash and will get there.... just fustrating.
It scary now the unkown... no planning... no more tx, spent 6 years too ttc.... and now nothing.  I know we wont get one of those mircales... but thats what messes with my head, but maybe lol I know not likely.... and my biggest fear is am I enough now for dh (i know the answer to this) but I guess when you are angry you hurt and push away those you love the most!!  Need to not do that   Working on it!! Have explained what I am doing!!!
So disjointed thoughts that are in my head.... trying. Trying to be positive and thoughtful, but I guess we will see.
Thanks for your message... means a lot.  Just scary unknown times...
Hope you had a lovely easter (least I got the eggs for myself  )
Take care, Jen xxx


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## crystalhearts

Jen, I could have written your post from start to finish and it would be a complete accurate reflection of me and how I feel right now.  (See my signature below) It's good to know I'm not alone. x


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## tribble

Jen
I think you need to lower expectations of yourself to cope, feel better etc. It will take you alot of time, but you will hget there. I haven't been on here for ages, because I haven't needed to so much. 2 and a half years since my last failed tx. The counsellor suggested it takes 2 years to properly get over a bereavement/loss, which is what this is, just not recognised by society / other people. I think I felt a fair bit better before the 2 years, but had bad days here and there after that too, it's not an exact science of course. In the last week I struggled with a glut of new pregnancy news at work; and also had a really powerful dream that I was breastfeeding a baby girl   

But can honestly say I do generally feel good now about things, have a good hub, pretty hard but good job, still got friends and lots of busy things in life that I like doing.  Do find some time to do counselling and do this together but also perhaps on your own as well so it is time just for you. Keep talking to each other and spend time doing stuff you enjoy doing together.
It won't ever leave you completely and do expect a long haul, but do expect to feel yourself once more and live happily again. I wish you that, I wish all of us that  
much love xx


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## tribble

Jen apologies I read your later post where you said you did do the counselling. After 8 tx you certainly need to allow a chunk of time to get through this stage of things.
I agree with Debs - it's the key stage in your life where you must give yourself absolute permission to do what is right for you. Duty and 'ought to' can creep back in later on a later point in recovery!

Also saw you were at Wessex. Me too! Must admit I still don't like driving past there if I have to drive that way - but it is easier than it used to be.
xxx


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