# Cant find a match



## Guest (Dec 6, 2012)

I think this is the right place to put this, im after advice if anyone can take the time out to help that would be great

Surrogacy is something i have spent a long time thinking about and i even found a couple but after a couple attempts they decided not to try any more...its hard work ehh and the stress was to much for them, i think they found we found 1 hay presto we will have a baby in 9 months...it so does not work like that. Since then iv kept looking but its hard as well the people i seem to come across have odd requests (i think the worst was can i pretend to be her at a private clinic so she can claim the baby was hers?) i have no idea how they exactly planned to do this as i just didnt answer. 
Im pretty normal i think, certainly no earth mother type tho lol. Can anyone give me advice on where im going wrong and whats the best way to go about this
Thanks for reading 
Louise xx


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Are you a member of Surrogacy UK and/or COTS?

I think there might also be a few ** groups too - although I'm not too sure there.

I have had a pretty dreadful time TTC and have decided to turn to surrogacy.  I'm just taking the initial steps to find out what to do to find someone from the other end (so to speak!) 

Maybe contact one of the organisations who can give you some help (if you haven't already spoken to them)?

Whereabouts are you based?


----------



## Guest (Dec 6, 2012)

Im near Edinburgh in Scotland 
I joined a couple forums last year but they seem to be mostly american based...its great to find somewhere closer to home even to just chat and get some people to bounce thoughts off of. It can be a crazy world ehh. 
I heard those site general bother about the IPs as they are the 1s that pay  would you say diff? If im ever going to get to do this time is running out as i plan to go back to work full time when my daughter goes to high school and would rather i had a match and was well on our way by then. 
Thanks for taking time out to answer 
Louise xx


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

loumacd said:


> Im near Edinburgh in Scotland
> I joined a couple forums last year but they seem to be mostly american based...its great to find somewhere closer to home even to just chat and get some people to bounce thoughts off of. It can be a crazy world ehh.
> I heard those site general bother about the IPs as they are the 1s that pay  would you say diff? If im ever going to get to do this time is running out as i plan to go back to work full time when my daughter goes to high school and would rather i had a match and was well on our way by then.
> Thanks for taking time out to answer
> Louise xx


No worries - sorry I'm not much help - I'm quite a n00b myself. I had my last failed treatment cycle in September when I just had to put my hands up and say 'enough is enough'. I have put my body through all kinds of trauma and have been to hell and back and the time finally came when I had to face the fact that I would just never get pregnant.

It's tough but I'm working through it and am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel especially now that surrogacy is an option.

I'm not too sure about the American sites. I have to say, it's all quite new to me so I haven't really branched out too much.  My husband and I aren't in a position to pay silly money like the Americans are, so I guess that's why I've avoided them. I'm just in the process of sorting out membership with SUK, etc., as I haven't done that yet but I think the focus there is much more to do with just putting people in contact with each other then letting them sort out their own arrangements.

I think you're doing an absolutely amazing thing and I can't imagine why you haven't matched yet. Do you prefer to do host surrogacy or gestational?

xxx


----------



## Guest (Dec 6, 2012)

Im sorry to hear that,i cant even imagine how it would feel to be on the opposit side on all this
Ideally i would like GS but not ruled out TS
I know the americans almost treat it like a biz in some cases. Iv been offered crazy amounts but its not about the cash...the woman that wanted me to pretend to be her actually offered me a hell of a lot more than the limit and my expenses didnt even come close to even that. I think she was trying to fool herself as much as everyone around her and thats not a good place to place a baby in....i have no intention of being a mum again but the IPs need to fully accept where the child has come from and how it got here. It can be a seedy place sometimes
1 thing that does worry me is with medical stuff the way it is and things change and the parents have a baby on there own...how would that effect how they feel about any surrogate child.
xx


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

Strangely enough, that is exactly the kind of impression I get from the American side of things - it would be hard not to think of it like a business when that kind of money is involved.

Heh, I would be looking for a GS myself as we seem to be able to create perfect embryos but that's about it I'm afraid. I've had quite a few really good quality blasts (I have a couple frozen at the moment) and am thinking of going to make some more in the early New Year just to get them ready.  I don't see the point in putting them back in me anymore.

I completely hear what you're saying about it being seedy.  A lot of people want to take advantage of women desperate to have children and a lot of women are so desperate for children that they don't think about the reality of surrogacy, so I can see both sides of the coin.  People certainly need to be careful - on both sides.  From what I understand a lot of women go ahead with it all before they've completely come to terms with their own situation and it can create a lot of trauma for the poor surrogate.

I think the idea of meeting and getting to know each other properly first, etc., is brilliant as it does give you a really good idea of what each other is like which is the only way to move forward on something that involves so much trust from both sides.

In my case, if a miracle happened and I was able to carry a child myself after I had a child through surrogacy, as I would be using my own embryos in both cases, both children would be fully genetically mine so it would make absolutely no odds.  

xxx


----------



## Jessii (Dec 5, 2012)

Thought I would jump in on this!  

I would Stay Clear of the american sites as it is mainly about money and how much they can get! I'm in the process of filling out application forms for COTS and various other sites to become a surrogate, I have been told it can take a very long time which I don't mind as I would like to get to know the person I'm growing a child for in-depth! But the amount of stories I hear and the amount of heartache it brings me! I would love to help everyone but Unfortunately that's just not possible! Lucky for me I have never had a problem with getting pregnant but I have known others that have found it extremally difficult and the best thing and the right thing to do is move on from not being able to have kids to focusing of surrogacy else it does make it awkward. My friend has been a surrogate 4 times now and has always said I would rather have a loving couple who is happy with everything and patient enough than a couple that throws money at you and begs you in a way to be there surrogate as it can put you off especially when your not doing it for money but to make a couple's dream come true

Jess x


----------



## Guest (Dec 6, 2012)

Yeah i think thats why GS would be better as it takes that factor out and its not an issue to worry about but as i said im not against the idea of using me own. 
I think there is a fine line though on being friendly and getting to close as i think that can hamper things after. You must get on of course, how could you hand over a child to someone you dont like as a person and think they have good family morals and views but as i said fine line i think...do you get what im trying to say...would be hard to go from being best of friends to not talking to much after, if your used to constant contact with a person and it stops, really dont know if im wording that right but i hope you get what i mean. Your hormones are all over the place, your emotions are all over the place, would you want to be still have the amount of contact you would need esp in the weeks leading up but then how would you feel if things suddenly changed and you didnt have that support you had gotten used to from that person. its very tricky so i think there needs to be clear boundries on whats expected before and after is the best way forward i feel, as long as you both know where you stand, what you want and whats expected from both parties then you can make a informed choice on if and how to move forward.
All i need to know is the person will love the child regardless on how it turned out....even if i did TS n they ended up with a ginger lol  Time is really against me if im ever going to do this tho....its amazing how big this site is and how i had never found it before xx


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

loumacd said:


> Yeah i think thats why GS would be better as it takes that factor out and its not an issue to worry about but as i said im not against the idea of using me own.
> I think there is a fine line though on being friendly and getting to close as i think that can hamper things after. You must get on of course, how could you hand over a child to someone you dont like as a person and think they have good family morals and views but as i said fine line i think...do you get what im trying to say...would be hard to go from being best of friends to not talking to much after, if your used to constant contact with a person and it stops, really dont know if im wording that right but i hope you get what i mean. Your hormones are all over the place, your emotions are all over the place, would you want to be still have the amount of contact you would need esp in the weeks leading up but then how would you feel if things suddenly changed and you didnt have that support you had gotten used to from that person. its very tricky so i think there needs to be clear boundries on whats expected before and after is the best way forward i feel, as long as you both know where you stand, what you want and whats expected from both parties then you can make a informed choice on if and how to move forward.
> All i need to know is the person will love the child regardless on how it turned out....even if i did TS n they ended up with a ginger lol  Time is really against me if im ever going to do this tho....its amazing how big this site is and how i had never found it before xx


LOL! I am ginger, so the chances for me are pretty high no matter what. 

I absolutely understand what you're saying - I think that's important to get to know each other first: so you know where you're both coming from.

I also think that no matter what, the IP will love the child regardless. Deciding to go down the surrogacy route is not an easy thing at all and by the time you reach that stage, you really are grateful for the chance to have a child at all - be it boy or girl, black or white, whatever... you would love and protect that child as fiercely as any mother. Given everything we've been through, we're not going to suddenly say: 'Urgh - that's horrible! Send it back!' 

I'm sure you'll find a match soon. There are plenty of people looking.  Have you put your name on the list on here?

Good luck with it all. I'm sure you'll find someone soon. 

xx


----------



## ladybugmum (Jul 1, 2012)

I might be able to add you to a lovely ******** group with surros and IPs. Send me a message if you're interested.


----------



## Guest (Dec 9, 2012)

No i havent...im still very new to this site and finding my way around it but i will do as soon as i work out how to do it...thanks again for takin time out to answer my questions xx


----------



## DaughterofLilith (Apr 4, 2005)

Hi Louise - I've been in a similar position, I worked with one, wonderful couple, for six months with no result so we called it a day. I then looked for another couple, but like you, due to geography, was unable to find someone to work with; so I decided it was probably not 'meant to be' and gave up looking.

Please take heart from the fact that whilst you are looking for your perfect match, your potential intended parents are also out there somewhere looking for you. Wishing you bright blessings.


----------



## Guest (Dec 12, 2012)

Hopefully  but its better to take your time and be 100% sure than to jump in gun ho and find out later things arnt right  
If nothing else iv met a few lovely people on here so thats never a bad thing and if something happens even better xx


----------



## DaughterofLilith (Apr 4, 2005)

I agree 100% - especially the part about meeting lovely (and in my case slightly loony) people along the way.


----------



## Will_it_be_soon (Apr 18, 2009)

Hi ladies, hope you dont mind me adding to your chat. Im new to this site.  (well I registered a while ago,when I was going through IVF, but only recently started to browse again as I now need the help of a surrogate) So im just here to get to know other people going through the same journey.
Its seems its just as difficult for surrogates to find a match. Sorry you're having a difficult time too. I would have thought it was just IPs who had problems due to ratio of surro:IPs. Lets hope we can all find the perfect match before the year is out   

Good luck


----------

