# Rejection of Daddy and (almost) obsession with Mummy



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Dear all

In need of soma advice please. Dont really know where to start!! Long storyy........To cut to the important info, DS (aged 27 months) and DD (aged 15 months) have been with us for 10 weeks now.

DS seemed to attach well with both of us. DD less so, but she is getting better and both have come on leaps and bounds. 

DS however is rejecting DH alot. He will play with him, laugh, interact etc but he will not agree to be held by him and can be very forceful and sometimes cruel to poor DH. For instance, on one occasion DH picked him up and DS wanted to get down after about 10 seconds. When DH didnt put him down and continued to cuddle him, DS scratched DH's face,pinched him and poked his finger in his ear hard. When told to stop, he didn't stop. On another occasion such as today, DS told DH to go upstairs and leave Mummy and DD and DS alone to play and that he didnt want DH to play with us. 

DS can be very agressive and very wilful and stubborn. In his FC placement he was led to believe the FCs were his mummy and daddy and they didnt instill any boundaries or rules - he was pretty much able to do whatever he wanted and let to get away with all sorts of behaviour, such as throwing food and plates, hitting, kicking, biting etc. Now he has come to us and we of course, try to stop this behaviour - some of which has gone but other parts still there. He is 2 years old but this is more than the 'terrible twos' - he seems to have no consideration for anyone else or any concept that he should do as he is told. Instead he will play manipulative games and be very controlling of the whole family dynamic. Added into this is a very competitive and almost obsessive possession with me....he will push DD off my lap if she is with me, snatch things away from her that I have given her (even if I give him the same thing) and wants to push DH away from me too...

We are getting to our wits end....He can be soooooooooooo lovely and we can have such a great day where he will be with Daddy and all will be fantastic and then boom! he does something nasty towards DH. DH will cuddle him, kiss him, play with him, feed him, bath and change him, take him to park, play with him, comfort him, give him treats and nice things when he is good but he just throws it back in his face....Poor DH is feeling quite upset by all this now....

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with this? We have come so far since the early days but DS's behaviour can really break things up for us, just when its going good. How can we get him to like Daddy and accept Daddy as part of the family?? Has anyone been through anything similar.....For info, I am the 'primary' carer as I am off work and DH is at work 4-5 days a week....(when he gets back he comes straight to them both and does dinner, milk, bath and bed etc with them with me in the background)...

Any ideas?? or is it just a case of time?

Thanks


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi

Not got any real answers BUt just wondered if your DS had much contact with males before placed with you and if you knew what the relationship was like with the foster dad for instance and vice versa with females?

Our DS didnt have much contact with males although he has a foster Dad he didnt really have much male contact and so when my DH came on the sceen he would not leave him alone as he thought it was fantastic that he'd got the wonderful father figure at last and as for me I was the one who ws rejected!!

Our SW at the time told us that myslef and DS should just have some one to one time with each other and it worked...............I am talking a long time ago though as DS has been with us 14 years and thats why i SAY I dont have any real answers but can realte the feeeling of rejection.

Hang on in then, support each other and you will come out of this smiling!

Andrea
x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Hi Iman 

We had a similar thing with our daughter who came home 2 months ago. 

We were advised when she came to me for cuddles etc to say, "Oooh let's have a lovely family cuddle, come on daddy, all of us together..." etc etc (she is a Terrible Two too!) and likewise encouraged to do things with daddy alone. We found that Theraplay really helped- like wrapping her in a blanket while daddy held her close (she regressed a lot then with him too which was great) etc etc. and he does bath time and rough play which she loves. 

She is still moany if left with daddy while I go out for a couple of hours (he works during the week and i am primary carer) but she's come on leaps and bounds . Hope that helps and you have my sympathies!!!!

Kate xxxx


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Hi Iman

My son isn't adopted, but I thought I'd share some of the things he does because I think they're relevant to what your son's getting up to too.  And they're about the same age, interestingly.  My son spends every evening with DP, who also returns from work, plays with him, gives him his bath on his own.  HOWEVER, if Rafa thinks that there is a chance that his father might put him to bed instead of me, he turns to his father and says Bye bye Babbo.  And just keeps saying it.  He also hits people who he thinks might come between him and me.  And if he feels under threat that I mighth be about to go out, he just repeats Mummy mummy mummy mummy.  He generally is fine if he does end up going out without me, but he makes a huge fuss about it.  A lot of it is control stuff, I'm sure, he's two and he wants to show who's boss.  It's not a huge problem, but occasionally I think it can be quite hurtful to DP and probably to his grandmothers.  Actually, last night whilst he was sleeping, he said Bye bye Nana - probably in response to the fact that I was working yesterday morning, and so he stayed with my mother.  So I guess it's not just a control thing, but also a question of needing reassurance that when interlopers (DPs included!) get in the way, it doesn't mean that his mummy is going to go away too.

Last night, I was reading Rafa a book, and got DP to sit the other side of Rafa - at first Rafa just kept pushing DP away very forcefully and wanted to read just with me.  We ignored him and I kept involving DP in the book - finally DP then read the book through once - it wasn't appreciated as much but at least it was accepted, partly by getting DP to get saucepan lids out and bang them along with the character in the book!  

When it comes to cuddling, if R says he's had enough, I let him go.  His paternal grandmother is constantly kissing and touching him despite his attempts to wriggle away, and actually she is the one person he will not offer kisses to, because she doesn't respect his boundaries.  So, I guess I'd be tempted to let DS dictate the length of cuddles for now - but that may be different when parenting a child who has only recently come home to his parents.

Hope that helps - I know that our circumstances are different, but some of the behaviour is pretty similar.  And when things get really sticky with R and DP, I always remind DP that there will come a time when DP becomes R's hero (just by dint of not being around so much, but also because he's a man) and then it'll be my turn to feel unloved!

Martha xxx


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## LostHeart (Aug 2, 2011)

Hi  

I spotted your post on the main page, I hope you don't mind me dropping in. I work in a related area. I think the most important thing is to know that your DS's interaction is not about you or DH. He is transferring what he has learnt earlier in his life as it is the only template he has. It will feel like these things are aimed at you both, because you are the adults caring for him now. If you can have some kind of mantra in your head to remind you that it isn't personal, then you will free yourselves up to respond to him. It's really hard of course to do that, but if you end up responding because you feel got at then you and DS will get into a pattern that is very difficult to get out of. Do you have any info about his background? It might help you to get a different slant on it. In the context of you and DH as loving parents his way of interacting will feel harsh, but his trust in adults has been affected by broken attachments and once upon a time it may have been a form of emotional survival for him.

All the best with it x


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Wow thanks for all the replies - all so useful and interesting, thank you!!

Last 2 days have been a bit better. We have removed some of his and DD's toys and implemented a good behaviour system - whereby if he makes it to the end of the day without hurting anyone and listening to Mummy and Daddy he gets a gold star sticker and 1 toy back.....then when he has 10 gold stars he will get a special treat. Bad behaviour - after warnings - will result in removal of a star....

Seems to be working so far - he seems to respond very well to incentives and rewards, like many 2 year olds I guess. After the whole 'daddy go away' incident, I spoke to him about how this upset Daddy so Mummy was upset too and how we are one family together....and sometimes he can't have Mummy all to himself but Mummy will always have time for him...and how this might upset him but Mummy AND Daddy love him very much and no-one is taking 'anyone' away.... This seemed to go in.....I hope!!! We try and do a lot of family activities, cuddles and consistent routine. 

Re his previous placement - he was in same placement from birth. FC (female ) was main carer and her hubby worked shifts so out a lot at all hours. This could be why he is responding as he does......

Its very tough as you all know! But worth every second....just keep reminding ourselves its only been 10 weeks and he is only 2 years old.....

Thank you xxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I've been a bit under the weather so haven't been on for a while and only just spotted this.

Iman I have to agree with Lost Heart you need to look beyond the behaviour to what is triggering it.  DS was like this when he was that age and I was the one he rejected.  We put it down to the terrible two's but with the benefit of hindsight and the knowledge we now have we now know he was trying to communicate but we just couldn't understand what he was saying.

As you say your DS could be flashing back to when FF was away working and associating the fear/sadness he felt then with his Dad now.  You are doing the right thing and trying to settle his fears because that is what all this behaviour is about, fear.  His fear that you are not going to always be there for him, the unconsious fears that you as parents have that the behaviours will continue, and if your DH was like me he would have an unconscious fear of rejection by DS.  

As you say it is tough being a parent but it is worth it just keep up the hard work, don't take his behaviour personally (easier said than done I know) and hopefully he will learn to feel completely safe and stop testing you.


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