# Question...



## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

At the risk of getting shot down in flames I wanted to ask to help me understand something ...  

I've read a that a fair few people are being approved for girls specifically and Im wondering how this is 'ok' as such, surely if we were fortunate to get pregnant naturally (some are I appreciate) we wouldn't get a choice on sex then so why should we now? 

Even if a family do have a boy already etc ... again if you were pregnant you couldn't say we'd like a girl now please could you?


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## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi,

I thought the same as u, but I think saying that u have a preference is ok. Me and DH were actually asked if we had a preference, we happy to have either but as we got to say that we would prefer boys and had to explain why, so think SW's are fine with this.

If u think about when going through matching and stating what types of disabilities you'll accept or wont, is kinda the same. We don't get a choice if we're a birth child but do with adoption.

Hope this helps  xx


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

We were advised to go for a girl 2nd time around to minimise the affect it would have on our already adopted son.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Two couples on our prep course went gender specific one for a girl and one for a boy. They had family reasons for their choices and sws were happy with that.  Also that said I was certain I wanted one of each gender and have two beautiful girls asleep upstairs.  There is rationality but sometimes the heart wants what it wants.  Another friend was convinced they wanted a boy and also has a beautiful girl.  So I would say in my view and experience it's fine to have a preference however be open minded because you might surprise yourself.  Boys are harder to place so in some circumstances other adopters with wider criteria might be prioritised for sw allocation etc. 

For me I think comparing adopting and pregnancy is like comparing chips and cake totally different substances both wonderful in their own right. Yes you can't choose the sex of a pregnancy but adopters aren't pregnant. Good luck with your journey and do whatever is right for you.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi WP,

We didn't specify gender and our agency would've only allowed that in exceptional circumstances from what my SW advised but I have seen others happily pass panel.

When adopting a second or additional child/ren then different genders are generally thought to give less competition for each other (adoptive children as a rule tend to be a bit needier due to their history & lack of early experiences with you), thus boy/girl can sometimes help in this area. Similarly I've seen some folks where they opt for different genders to current family make up for similar reasons - ie opposite to step children/close cousins.

I don't think there's a right or wrong but I always think folks should remain open to either gender until later in the process but maybe state they have a preference. I know I felt I would be matched to a girl but it was my gorgeous boy who stole my heart (so I may be a little biased in my views).

Similarly some folk have felt strongly that IF had "stolen" their choices for family make up & Adoption gave them this choice. A feeling of gaining back a little control from the hand of fate as it were.

At the end of the day as long as folks are happy with their decision (and any impact that may come from it) and their SW/Panel support them, then LOs will be better off in their forever homes.

Ps I've been involved in this discussion before so hope I've summarised it as I recall as I do not mean to cause upset/ offence for what is a very personal decision.

HTH


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## Waiting_patiently (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks everyone it does help to read some of the reasonings why like you've all pointed out, just initially seemed a bit 'shallow' when I was first reading it.

I would be happy for either but have to admit I have a fear that when a child is older then into an adult that a son will flee with his girlfriend / wife and thats us without him.. Stupid I know but all sorts of things go through your head when potentially it may be the only child you have eh!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Totally but I just have to hope my boy stats a "mummy's boy" lol


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think my answer would be, because adoption is so much more complicated and people could look to specify gender for many different reasons, and it's not usually about wanting a "typical" girl or boy, it's about being able to make the right connection with a child.  Some people may simply feel they will connect better with a girl or a boy.  In families with more than one adopted child, it can be about getting the family balance right; children with attachment difficulties are likely to show more extreme sibling rivalry and jealousy and having different genders when having children placed close together is sometimes advisable.

There's also I think a pre-conception that boys are more likely to be "trouble" than girls, and have behaviour difficulties, and I can understand that too.  ADHD, which can be an after effect of drug exposure pre-birth, is more common in boys.  Autism is also more common in boys.  I think, although I have nothing more than anecdotal evidence to offer as proof, a lot of people may feel a girl presents less "risk" given the already significantly greater than average risk of an adopted child having long term problems.

When having a biological child you get a huge amount of choice, about how your child is cared for from conception, that you don't get with adoption.  Choosing not to drink, smoke, take drugs in pregnancy, choosing to put your child's needs first, make sure they're always fed, safe from harm, cared for.  You have the opportunity to shape your child from birth and see their personality develop.  Forming an attachment with an existing little personality is completely different and there are lots of factors that can effect that, gender, disposition, interests, background, we all make all these choices and when we're forming a family with a complete stranger, some people are going to feel they can do that more easily with a specific gender.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  

Given the choices that have been taken away from us as adopters, why shouldn't we have this particular choice?

Plus, if people want a specific gender they're probably going to wait for a match that fits anyway, so it would seem a waste of everyone's time not to be honest about it up front.

Wyxie xx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I read recently in one of the AdoptionUK monthly magazines that both boys and girls are adopted in pretty equal measures.

Here we go, from BAAF's figures...



> *Gender*
> 51% (2,010) of children adopted during the year ending 31st March 2013 were boys and 49% (1,970) were girls.
> 
> *Age*
> ...


http://www.baaf.org.uk/res/statengland

So it isn't true that girls are more sought after and that boys are harder to place, it's just one of those myths that SWs seem to bleat on about.

I put the Age one in there as well as it's interesting - our LO came home aged 3 years and 10 months.

My DW didn't really have a preference but I did, for personal and family reasons a girl suited me best - if we were given boy's profiles I probably wouldn't have bothered reading them.

The question was brought up at panel but after I had explained myself we were approved.

During the approval process you are asked to decide which 'disabilities' and 'unknowns' you are happy to face and which you would rather not have to - that's were you have to be honest with yourselves, just as you are when you come to parent, choosing a girl over a boy is just as important in my eyes.

Paul x


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi our decision for a girl purely came down to what was best for our bc.  He has always asked for a sister and is very protective and good with younger girls, he does get on with younger boys but is more likely to be competitive with them.  Throughout the process our sw and her manager both said they thought a girl would be more suited to and accepted into our family so they were happy to recommend a girl and thankfully yesterday panel agreed with them and we've now been approved for a girl.x


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

For us adoption is a choice, we can have bio children but want to adopt. We have specified a preference for a boy for a variety of reasons & our SW, agency & panel were in agreement. The main reason for me is confidence, my main experience with toddlers is with boys, at all my volunteering I have felt more confident & seemed to easily develop relationships with the boys... I don't know why.  I think adopting is hard anyway so easing the stress a little & boosting my confidence can only be a good thing in our view. 

There is an element of selfishness for everyone adopting & I personally don't see a difference in specifying/having a gender preference compared to specifying medical/background info that you are not able to take on, or the age range. They are all factors we consider when thinking about what we want & what we can offer. I think it's probably an equal split of those who specify & those who don't.

As Wyxie says, had we been dissuaded from specifying a gender we would still be at this stage only looking at blue profiles, but wasting various SW's time too.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

We didn't mind if we had a boy or girl, but in my heart I wanted a boy. The main reason was I was never a girlie girl, I loved football, motorbikes etc. I have 7 nephews and 3 necies. And 3 god sons. My mum wanted a girl but I seem to be more rough and tumble so knew I would linked more with a boy. Also my other half is the last 'surname' in his line. I know it's old fashioned but I wanted to carry the name on. We are planning for a brother or sister in a year or so, so then it may be a case do we decided we want a girl to balance out the family? Or another boy? That maybe a hard one.


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

We've said either boy or girl but I do agree there's no difference between specifying a preferred gender and the other matching criteria eg age. 
Birth parents don't get a choice no, but also don't have to worry as to whether they will bond with their child. 

I've always envisaged being matched with a boy as I work in a 'male' job and have always felt more comfortable in male company. However I realise children are different and I adore my nieces and would be really happy to parent a girl. 

I guess it's one of the benefits of all the heartache of infertility that I now have some element of choice, if we wanted it.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Paul, those statistics alone are a little misleading, because at the time that information was collected, there were more boys in the care system than girls (55% boys, 45% girls), therefore it's likely that the average age of boys being placed/adopted than girls is lower even though more boys were adopted overall, and that Social Workers are correct in their beliefs that older boys are slightly harder to place.

The age at adoption figure is the age at the adoption order, not placement, which is why such a low percentage of adoptions happen under 1.
Kind regards,

Wyxie


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

Beat me to it, Wyxie!   the stats also don't give a picture of how gender affects time in care. I haven't looked at the stats in years, but when I last looked, gender had a small effect on outcome. 

Would be more interesting to see the stats on preferences set in the adoption register...!

HSDad and I have no preference. Our gender roles are mostly switched, anyway, so whether we get a boy or a girl has little bearing on whether they will end up sporty or bookish or stylish or sensitive or crafty or... So on.  

That said, I've always connected with boys more easily because of the way I "play". So, I have been volunteering with young girls (at an age range I like the least) for a couple years and it has given me a lot of insight and confidence, which has made it easier for me to connect with and relate to girls. Because of this, I do believe most people have the capacity to connect with a child of either gender, regardless of their initial biases/preferences. I would certainly advocate ignoring your own gender and your "gender life experiences" when selecting a match, in favour of other matching criteria.


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## weemoofrazz (Sep 6, 2013)

Like Marfegal adoption was a first choice for us and we did specify that we wanted boys. The reasons are the same as many other posters in that I always felt more confident caring for boys as this is were most of my childcare experience lay, I am not a 'girlie' girl etc. Also boys were a better fit with our extended family and friends. Selfishly I have several friends with teenage girls and boys and all advised NOT to go for girls as they are more hard work! Adoption is a difficult enough road so I think I was influenced slightly by this also. 

Our SW was perfectly fine with this and the panel were also happy with our explanation for the preference. In the end we were approved for either 2 boys or a boy/girl sibling group. The first match that was identified for us was a boy/girl sibling group and my heart sank with disappointment that it wasn't two boys! After that we changed and stuck with just boys as I knew in my heart of hearts that's what I wanted most!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

The thing is, we're not pregnant, and we know our children are going to come to us with challenges and traumas to overcome, so it's about giving us - and them - the best chance of getting it right.

I'm not a very 'girly' girl and the home study revealed that I've got a bit of a confidence issue with 'girly' stuff.  Plus we felt naturally drawn to boys because our image of parenting included a lot of rough and tumble and mud and running around, and boys do tend to be more active and energetic (NOT saying that girls don't do all the above, okay?  ).  Plus all our experience with friends' and family's young children were with boys.  All the above meant we would have more confidence parenting a boy first time round, and it was our SWer who pointed this out, we hadn't realised there was a preference until that point.  It wasn't a specific matching consideration in our approval, but our SWer was looking primarly at boys.

I've since relaxed into motherhood and gained a lot in confidence, so next time round we'd probably go for a girl, partly so as to lessen the 'threat' to Bug.

I miss out on a lot of things because I can't have children of my body.  I am rendered powerless in many ways in reaching out to children of my heart.  Having just one bit of extra choice sounds reasonable to me.


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