# Should we lie?



## ghostcar (Aug 10, 2009)

Hi there, my DP and I are considering adoption as he has male factor infertility. We have known for a year that this was likely, but only had it confirmed two months ago when he had a biopsy. 

I phoned our local authority and asked if we could attend an open evening, but they've said we have to wait for a full year after the end of treatment before we can even begin to apply. We are also considering donor insemination, but I wanted to look into both options at the same time, to see what's best for us. In ten months time when we're eligible to apply, should I lie and say we're only considering adoption? I know they want people to be in the right frame of mind, but it seems like an extra punishment to wait so long, especially as the process can take another two years. I'm nearly 39 and worried that my age will count against me, especially if we try DI for a year or two. 

Any advice? x


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

In a word no.

Adopting a child is a long process which you and your partner will find very challenging without a 100% commitment from you both you will not get through it, the number of hurdles you have to get over would possibly mean that you stop the adoption process and proceed with the treatment.

The subject of fertility treatment is covered in depth during homestudy by SW, so would be very difficult to get away with the lie.


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## ghostcar (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks for your reply. I do understand but, like so many others, I'm finding it hard to deal with the time scale. The thought of trying DI for a year, then waiting a year, then waiting to get through the adoption process just depresses me. 

I find the whole adoption process off-putting, which is deliberate on their part I suppose, to make sure people are serious, but it still surprises me that they do so little to encourage you. The SW told me to wait a year and then apply, but in the meantime to get more experience with small children. I totally understand the reasons but it's hard to be with small children as it's heartbreaking not to have our own. I can't help thinking there must be a more equitable way, that does the very best for the children but acknowledges how hard it is for infertile couples - it seems like the SW's want Stepford parents who just say the right things...


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## Mx4321 (May 28, 2008)

The one year rule is not set in stone. We had our last failed IVF treatment in August 07 attended an information course in November 07 we then completed an application with a written statement from ourselves why we felt we were able to move on so soon. SW had a visit to discuss application in Feb 08 and we spent a lot of time on this issue at this meeting.

we were invited to attend prep groups in Apr 08, approved in December 08.

The point I was trying to make that if you did not inform them on your on going treatment and having two paths running you would end up tying yourself in knots emotionally and physically. speaking for the two of us there is no way we could have coped with the IVF rollercoaster and the adoption rollercoaster at the same time. As in essence these are two distinct paths to parenthood.

One minute you could be answering questions from your SW on how you feel about not being able to have a familiy naturally and then the next minute attending hospital appointments.


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## ghostcar (Aug 10, 2009)

I'm really interested to hear that you were able to fight the one year rule - the SW I spoke to you yesterday was really adamant, but perhaps they would consider it. It gives me some hope that we can try DI and then see how we feel. I do agree with you, trying to cope with both at once would be v hard; I just felt like it would be better than trying to do them one after another as time is slipping past so quickly. If we'd gone private in the first place we would have saved two years of testing and waiting to get this far. Thank you so much for your advice, it's been really useful to hear. The lesson seems to be that, with IF TX and adoption, you have to make yourself heard, i guess.


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2009)

I am another one that also wouldn't recommend lying.  

There are a few other things to explore though:
Different agencies have different rules, so whilst one has said no another may be willing for you to go to an information evening at this stage.  
Have you considered fostering?  We fostered whilst doing fertility treatment, which gave us experience and as a nice unexpected aside we also met and got to know our new family.  Again some authorities wil not allow you to do this.  
Getting as much information as possible now (whilst you have time!) will help you in the future - more experience with children, internet based research, reading on attachment and the effects of early trauma etc.

Adoption ofte isn't an easy path, but it can be very rewarding

Bop


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## ghostcar (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks Bop, those are good thoughts. I have been doing quite a lot of research online but I hadn't thought of doing specific work on attachment etc. I have a very full on job, which I'd take a big break from if the DI worked or we could adopt, but I think fostering would be tricky. My best mate and my sister have newborns, so I'm getting hands on experience as an aunty/godmother if nothing else!


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## Tarango (Nov 3, 2006)

Hi Ghostcar, 

I see you are in Hampshire, we approached Hampshire in the beginning and were told very firmly to come back after a year even though we had not had any treatment (only got a diagnosis). They were very firm on the 1 year rule.... however, other agencies close by do not have the same timescales and if adoption was the road you decided to go for you wouldn't have to wait a year with other local authorities near by.

I hope you get your family whichever route you decide xx

Tarango 
xx


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## ghostcar (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks Tarango, that's a good idea. We could try Southampton as DP is from there and I would imagine there is greater need there. 

Good luck with everything too xxx


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2009)

ghostcar said:


> I have a very full on job


Just a word of warning - I had a very full on job, but nothing is as full on as parenting!! Do not expect to have ANY free time for at least the first year - even going to the loo can be a challenge some days.

As for fostering - it doesn't need to be full time - we did weekend respite care.

Bop


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

HI

I am firmly with the don't lie brigade. For all the reasons already stated. And from my personal experience.

I remember feeling exactly the same as you and considering continuing TX and adoption and being completely depressed and frustrated by the waiting process. we started our adoption training 10 months after our first failed ICSI......and then put adoption on hold as i realised I hadn't worked through all the infertility stuff eventhough I had been adamant that i was ready to move on with adoption. We didn't go back to adoption for another 18 mnths after that. And from my ticker you can see, the rest is history!! 

There is a lot of stuff to deal with and personally I think that waiting time is well worth it and needed. It's a great idea to use the time to get as much experience and knowledge as possible.

Also, I don;t think your age in adoption will be an issue. i was 38 when we adopted my DH was 41 and we were considered young!!

Good luck with the next stage in yout journey, whatever you decide it will be
HHH


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