# Over 40, separated and considering sperm donation



## Will_I_be_a_mum (Dec 21, 2012)

Hi there,

I'm new to this forum and have read many posts which have filled me with hope yet provided a dose of reality that its not all plain sailing.

I really am at the start of this journey. Recently separated from my husband and looking at divorce. I have always wanted a child but my soon to be ex-husband has always had one excuse or another and now I feel I really have made some wrong choices in sticking with him as long as I did, hoping he'll change his mind. I'm now 43 years old, have no children and desperate to be a mum and the clock is well and truly ticking.

I'm thinking that IUI is the route to explore and don't know where to start? Should I first visit my GP and discuss with him? Would I be entitled to NHS funded IUI? How does this process work? Do I have to be divorced before I'm considered as a 'single' person?

At 43 I can't afford to waste time going down the wrong paths and would appreciate some advice. Like most people, I don't have a pot of funds and also worried that this will be another hurdle that will be a thorn in the side of making my dream come true to become a mum - feel sad at just writing that  

Thank you for reading and will wait in anticipation of a reply


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

Hi

If you are single I dont think many authorities will fund you for IUI or IVF however some more ladies on the single threads will be able to help you on this.  They normally do the tests on both partners so they will be aware you are single if you are seperated.

I suppose your first step is to get your fertility assessment tests done by your GP to see what your ovanian egg reserve is like etc?  I started out at age 45 and went straight to IVF using a donor due to my age and the extremely low chances of it working using my own eggs.  I got a lot of investigatory tests down through my BUPA althought they may have clamped down on this a bit now as its been taken off my renewal terms this year.  I have even seen fertility MOT's offered by London clinics on sites like Groupon and Living Social so might be worth checking if any deals available.

To keep costs down I had IVF treatment done abroad and certain clinics allow you to use ID release sperm so the child can contact the donor at 18, but you would need to check the rules of each clinic.

Go see your GP and then you can get the ball rolling, find out your hormone levels etc and then you can start making some decisions.  

I think at 43 you should be looking at going straight to IVF rather than IUI but your GP should be able to refer you to a consultant who should advice you, or if you can afford to go private it might be worth paying to see somebody as time is not on your side.

Best of luck with your journey, hopefully some single ladies who used OE will be along to help you soon.

P xx


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

Are you in the UK, if so there are no sperm donors and NHS treatment using donor sperm is not funded, however, I have seen a few women on here who appealed and won treatment but had to pay cost of importing sperm, this however, is a lengthy process.

We appealed and won funding for ICSI using my husbands frozen sperm but it took us a year.

You should call some of your local private clinics and find out your best options and also costs, fertility treatment is only offered in Scotland if you are below the age of 38 at referral, but not sure of your local policy.

Best of luck and hope you achieve your dream xx


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## Will_I_be_a_mum (Dec 21, 2012)

Thank you both for your advice - very much appreciated. 

I am in the UK so its been good to find out that funding is unlikely and that if you are lucky enough to appeal for funding that it takes time (which I don't have much of).

Guess i need to get to the doctors, what do fertility tests involve and is this a service on the nhs or do I need to pay? I guess I'm a novice here and maybe asking silly questions but am right at the beginning here of what could be a long journey - am I mad? Should I be focusing on dealing with not being a mother? To be honest can't contemplate that at the moment just want to know that I tried....and as they say dreams can come true 

Still need to learn all the abbreviations, its like another language  Whats OE?

Thank you once again, really nice of you to take the time to reply to my post.

xx


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## crazyroychick (Aug 21, 2012)

I am not sure but I would imagine your doctor could do basic hormone tests, as for further investigations I don't think they would be on NHS as they don't offer treatment to women over 38.

Our initial appointment took 4 months for basic tests so again a lengthy wait, I really wish we had seen what was available privately as I feel we wasted so much time, I was 27 when my hubby's reversal failed and feel that we would have had a much better chance if we had gone privately then, plus my NHS experience was awful and private clinic we are with now is amazing.

OE is own egg, your other option if your egg reserve is low is donor eggs, any other questions don't hesitate all the ladies on here are lovely and a fantastic support, I have learned more on here than I ever have from the clinics xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I doubt that you would be entitled to NHS funding due to your age and being single, so I wouldn't even bother appealing it wastes your time (which is not on your side), theirs and NHS funds . If your GP is feeling favourable they may do some basic hormone tests,LH, FSH, Oestrodial, prolactin (on days 1-3 of your period) and a day 21 progesterone to ensure that you are ovulating, and a scan for antral follicle count -  but are under no obligation to do so, but they aren't expensive tests in the scheme of things.
Also at 43 IUI may not be you best option. Also  as others have said your own eggs will be old so donor eggs maybe suggested but only a fertility specialist will be able to advise with some basic blood tests.

I am not sure where you are in the UK but maybe contact a few clinics and go to an open evening, or ring up and ask them to find out more about it and the process and costs etc, if you are going to use donor eggs then time doesn't matter it is the age of the donor that is important. If you are going for a private appt some clinics will offer you one within 2 weeks other more popular ones have 3 month+ waiting lists. Prices vary for IVF from private clinics, and depending on your drugs etc.

Good Luck- and spend some time researching, going abroad can be cheaper and quicker and is easy enough, I've been to Spain and now in Serum in Athens. The Lister Clinic in London do a lot of work and have a good rep with older women and IVF.
L x


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## Will_I_be_a_mum (Dec 21, 2012)

Oh thank you so much!!!! I'm touched that people care enough to reply to me - made my day. Thank you.

Lots of practical advice to follow up on and I do love researching stuff so I'm bit excited and nervous at the same time, but it feels soooo good to be taking control of this part of my life - for too long it seemed the decision laid in the hands of my ex husband! God knows why I left it so long that I've limited my options but hey hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Think I know what my new years resolutions are going to be... lol 

Thanks all xx


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Hi - the other ladies have given great advice on the treatment side. I'd also suggest having a look at the Ask a Lawyer discussion board on this site and the website of Natalie Gamble, the Fertility Friends lawyer re: having treatment while you are separated but not yet divorced. My understanding is that if you have treatment while you are separated, using donor sperm, your ex husband would still potentially be considered the legal father of any child resulting from the treatment. I believe that there are legal steps you can take to show that your ex husband did not consent to you having treatment, but it's worth asking for advice on the legal front if you want to move forward before you have gone through divorce. Maybe worth putting a post on the Ask a Lawyer board?

Good luck.

Rose xx


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## Will_I_be_a_mum (Dec 21, 2012)

Thanks Rose - that's very good advice as I was wondering about that side of things! I will check out the Ask a Lawyer board! Thank you..xx


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## smilingandwishing (Apr 24, 2010)

Hi there,

A few things.

There are sperm donors in the UK.  I have used a UK sperm donor. Once you have chosen a fertility clinic they will tell you if they have donors in their own bank you can choose from or whether you would need to go outside of the clinic i- if outside many clinics suggest sperm banks in the US.

Whether you go IUI or IVF wil depend on a number of things.  Your age and hormone results definitely have an impact but the clinic may also be interested in whether you have tried to conceive in the past - so they can understand if there could be underlaying fertility issues.  Just because you are 43 it does not preclude IUI, it is just that the chances are increased with IVF.  Some women like to try IUI first as it is less intrusive.

Some NHS trusts do fund single women now, but almost all will not fund women over 40.  You could fight, but as JJ said it seems like a waste of your time when it will be a long fight. 

I'd book an appoinment with your GP asap and get the ball rolling. Your GP should at least be able to offer you some tests. I would also consider contacting a clinic now and asking for an initial appoinment. These can take up to 6 weeks to come through.  As JJ says the Lister have a good reputation with women over 40.

And ... pat yourself on the back for having the courage to recognise what is important to your and to take the first steps!

If it helps, I was in a similar position. Not married, but with someone who kept me hanging on with the promise of children. In my heart I knew for a couple of years that it was never going to happen and once we split up I was just galvanised to move!  I had donorIUI at 40, and was blessed to give birth to my gorgeous son 12 days before my 41st Birthday.  I am now 42 and have just has donorIUI (same donor) again.  I am doubly blessed and am pregnant with number two , due in August.  

All the best for your journey

Smiling xx


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## Will_I_be_a_mum (Dec 21, 2012)

Oh smiling what a heart warming story - congratulations on becoming a mother - you have given me hope! I had tears in my eyes reading your reply - how soppy am I 

I'm extremely motivated to do this and have never felt so sure, it just feels right but worried about how I can afford it all - having checked out a few local clinics IVF is a pricey option but seems to have some positive results. I guess I'll have to find a way....

I just need to get the ball rolling and take it from there....wishing myself some luck. 

Thank you xx


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Just a thought, but have you considered donor embryos? If your hormone results indicate that the chances of own egg IVF working are not so good, then this is a very cost effective way of having treatment, and a cycle of treatment with donor embryos has around a 40% chance of working vs roughly 10% for a cycle of IUI in a London clinic, and the cost is not so different. Several clinics offer donor embryos, in particular the Serum clinic in Greece which has a very good reputation. 

There are several single mummies (who post on this singles board) in their late thirties/ forties who have been successful with donor embryos and the cost is significantly less than full rounds of own egg IVF in the UK or double donor fresh IVF in the UK or abroad. Of course the donors that make the embryos are usually anonymous if you go overseas (vs identity release donors in the UK) and this may be of critical importance to you, but if you're on a budget and trying to work out how to afford the high costs of treatment (whilst maximising your chances of success) then this may be worthwhile looking into.

Rose xx


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