# in so much pain but no tears



## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Hi Girls 

Not sure where to post as i didnt want to bring the mood down on the board but feel maybe it might help if i was able to express how i feel, 
I started bleeding on saturday very light was hoping and praying this was implatation but by sunday it was all over ........... but i still can't believe it i feel like i am living in a bubble not a very nice one,  i am just carrying on as if nothing ever happened going shopping and buying lots think this is to try and help the pain my dh has been a rock and just so brave but he two is finding it very hard to accept it didnt work and we are not pregnant, 

How can this be ... we have such lovely embryos everyone at the clinic was so pleased and so positive to the point they were worried to put two back as they were so sure they would both stick   

i am just numb and not sure whats going on ... I have my review meeting tomorrow i am so scared thats when i might fall apart, 
but worse of all is the fear that i will just carry on as if nothing has happened  ..... my sisters baby is due in 7 weeks and i just don't know how i will cope   

i keep thinking it's all been a bad dream and that i'm not bleeding and i will get a positive it's just been a horrible mistake why is my head in denial   ........... i am such a fool to believe it could work 1st time i just wasnt prepared for it to fail, 

thank you for letting me rant ~ hoping i can be released from this nightmare oneday
Sara xxx


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Oh Sara honey  

I think the only way you are coping is by "blocking" it out, which is why you are unable to cry  I feel for you so so much. It would probably be better for you to let yourself go Sara honey, and give in to the emotion. When I got my last BFN I didnt dare cry at first cos I was frightened that if I started, I wouldnt be able to stop. And I have to admit, the tears, once they started, lasted for a long time, on and off. Well, here we are, 2 months later and I am still crying on and off. HOWEVER, you need the tears honey, you need to give yourself time to grieve your loss, and accept it. I know that sounds hard, but keeping it all bottled up will be much worse for you in the long run  

I hope your appt today goes well honey - dont worry about crying, I sobbed at mine and I am sure most of us have. As long as you manage to ask all the questions you need answering hunni, it will be ok.

It's so hard to see other people pg at this time honey, especially when its your family. I just want to give you the hugest hug Sara, you are such a lovely, kind, brave person and you are strong enough to get through this awful time, I just know it
















Lots of love, take good care Sara
Tracy
xxxxx


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## weeble (Dec 5, 2005)

Awww just wanted to send you both a big (((((HUGGLE))))).

Im afraid to say it doesnt get any easier either. Its like your in shock to start with and then something/anything can trigger it and all the pain and emotion come pouring out.

The good news is that crying is a natural part of healing and eventually your ready to get up and fight again, but the journey to that point is a hard and painful one. 

Thinking of you both and praying that you both get lucky on your next cycles.  

Love
weebs xx


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Oh hunny i know how your feeling i got a bfn in july and i was totally devastated and i am still its so hard to come to terms with it not working. 
I'm sure your sister is devastated for u and i hope she will be sensitive to whats happened and help u cope, i found that writing my own little letters to my embies on forget me not page really helped and allowed me to get out alot of my feelings and tears.
In time hunny things will seem so much brighter maybe not now but in time your be able to look at things and cope better, i really hope u feel better soon an remember dont be too hard on yourself, try and chil out with your dh and have u time. xxxxxxxxxx sendin u a hug xxxxxxxxx

shye x


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Mrs_H

I'm so sorry hun, i know how painfull it is to get a BFN and although with time it will get easier you never forget how much it hurts

sending loads of      our way

pam xx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Dear Sara
I am so sorry about your BFN.  You need to give yourself time to grieve in your own time and in your own way.  I remember my BFNs and they were like a nightmare - I couldn't imagine ever climbing out of the dark hole I felt I was in.  But you WILL start feeling better emotionally and physically eventually, and then you will be able to start thinking about the future and what you want to do next.  I see that you have frosties, so you can start thinking about them when you feel ready. And the fact that you produced good embies on this cycle is a good sign for any future fresh cycles you might have.  You are most definitely not at the end of the road, even if it seems like it just now.

Take care.  

Ellie


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you so much to everyone for your messages it's so sad we all have negitive cycles in common and you know the pain only too well ..  

today we have our review things went well and we have decided we would like to go ahead with FET this year not sure when might be next period might be one after we will see how we feel but for me having a plan for treatment is helping me ... because each step is a little closer to the dream, 

thank you all so much, still no tears but i'm sure in time and when i have let go completely we still have a photo of the embryos i feel we need to put it away and maybe then i can let go ... xxx
Sara


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## sanjo (Sep 8, 2006)

Sara sending you a great big  

I had my 1st BFN 2 weeks ago and like you I didnt expect it: it is horrible & your not a fool.  I hope your review goes well   .

I know its hard with your sister having her baby, my sister in law had my nephew a few weeks after my 1st ectopic pregnancy and thought I wouldnt want to see him and not be able to cope: you will be surprised how you feel when you see the baby, you will be absolutely fine am sure of  it.  I love my nephew to bits. The way you are feeling is expected honey.  You will cope just fine.

Take care

sanjoxx


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## Mrs_H (Jan 29, 2006)

Thank you all for helping me in my hour of need ... Lou thank you so much for your message for for wise advise as always but it means so much to me when you are going thought such hell, 

sanjo~ I am so sorry to hear you had a bfn  life is creul sometimes    Your right about what you said about my sister as i have a nephew who is just over 3 so my sister feel pregnant with him not long after we had been trying ~ i was totally fine as i was so hoping to be next didnt know i have FI then, 

I don't think the tears are going to come or anything i feel ok i think as i have a plan what to do next ... i think this is what is making it easier for me, also as i have a reason in my head why it didnt work this time makes it easier, 

thank you so so much  
Sara xxxx


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## Happy Mummy (Sep 22, 2006)

Hi sarah,
I am sorry about your bleeding and AF. It is normal to cry , but sometimes it even takes a while to cry. Whatever you feel like doing , letting it all go or not  yet showing it is ok darling , all in your own time. 
You are very right in thinking having a plan is the way to go. You have plenty of years to get those fabulous follies of yours to show up and get pregnant. 
We are no quitters and are very strong women and very good future mummies. 
Your next treatment may be the one. Statistically it always take a try or two before getting there. I just had a BFN , but hey next year January/feb will be my time, or maybe DH and I will manage it on our own in between?  
I have "intense" adenomyosis and one consultant told me one day ( not long ago) that even with IVF I only had 1% chance of getting pregnant !!!??.The hell with him ! Somehow I will get there , and Sarah honey you will definetely get there. 
Take care,
Future Mummy


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