# Struggling with bad behaviour at nursery



## crusoe

Thank-you for reading, I am grateful for any advice or insight.
Ds has been with us almost 2 years and is 3.5 yrs old. He started nursery for 5 mornings a week, 3 weeks ago and things are not going well.
Ds has always been somewhat defiant and stubborn but nothing unmanageable. He pushes boundaries all the time but responds well to firm rules, routines and boundaries.
At nursery his behaviour is very mixed and especially poor at storytime. Today he was apparently running around the room, screaming, crawling on the floor and throwing toys. He quite rightly ended up on the thinking chair but this seems to have little impact.
At home we are quick to nip any bad behaviours in the bud but it seems to me nursery let things escalate too far. We have a meeting next week with the schools behaviour support worker which I hope will be helpful.
I feel humiliated every day going to collect him with other children pointing him out as naughty and the teacher booming out in a loud voice "very bad today mummy!" today I left in tears.
Ds knows how to behave and can do it but for some reason won't. I don't know what I can do to help from home.
Any suggestions or reassurance welcome.
Thanks crusoe xxxx


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## Boggy

You DS sounds like how I expect mine might be in a few months time    
It must be so hard for you hearing about his behaviour.  I'm shocked at his teacher calling him bad.  I trained as a nursery nurse, and it was made very clear that we should never ever call a child bad - their behaviour may be bad, but not the child.  

I think that you probably don't have access to the post-placement board?  If you PM suzie she will give you access - you'll find lots of helpful advice in there.    I can move your post over there once you have access if you want me to. 

Bx


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## wynnster

Big Hugs    It is so hard hearing people say those kind of things about your son - Extremely unproffessional i must say   

How does DS feel about pre-school?  Is he keen to go or not liking it? 

When I have been told something by the teachers, last time i remember being told he hadn't sat nicely at lunch time but had been silly eating  waving his head around with a sandwich in his mouth and making a mess    DS knew i wasn't happy about said behaviour and therefore his TV allowance was taken away for the remainder of that day.  

Last week he wouldn't stand in line to go back indoors after outdoor play cos he was 'waiting for mummy' and as a result he didn't get the end of day sweetie that all the children normally get from the teachers. 

How do you normally nip bad bahaviours in the bud?  Is that something preschool could do too?

Perhaps have a think about how you would like pre-school to manage his behaviour, time out etc so you're ready for this meeting. 

  Big hugs mummy


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## keemjay

i too am shocked at the unprofessional way in which the teacher is informing you..if nothing else i would politely ask that at the end of each session you can have a _quiet_ word, out of the earshot of others about how the days session has gone.
i was going to ask the same as wynn re whether he likes going or not? could he be overtired/over stimulated doing 5 mornings? did he go from no mornings to 5 or did he build up slowly?

if storytime is an issue perhaps they need someone to have him 1to1 at that point to help him sit still and behave in accordance with thier expectations

agree with wynn about having a think about what you think you would like nursery to do to manage it..

My DS (3.5 also) has just started nursery 2 mornings is on the lively side and i wrote on his forms that as he is apt to get silly and over the top with very little encouragement i would prefer it if they took him aside at the beginning of the silly behaviour and encourage him to do a quiet activity such as read a book or do a puzzle with a teacher, rather than let it spiral up and up..he doesnt possess an off button and i dont want him labelled as a naughty one, which i think he quite easily could..like you we are only 3 weeks in and i havent asked yet if he's got silly, i think he's still being a bit shy and not showing his true colours yet..i was going to ask tomorrow whether there have been any signs yet 

hope that helps

kj x


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## cindyp

As the others will tell you I haven't posted in ages but just came on the site and saw your post.

Like everyone else I am shocked by what I consider to be almost disgusting behaviour by the teacher.  Unfortunately it is not uncommon for adoptive children to react this way to pre-school and school.  A lot of children, even those who have not suffered the trauma of being  moved from bf to fc to their new family, can suffer from separation anxiety when they attend nursery.  It would be my guess that your DS is feeling it quite strongly.  He knows how to behave but he is feeling so anxious inside that his front brain has switched off and his animal brain has kicked in provoking the bad behaviour.  Margot Sunderland's book The Science of Parenting can explain that better than me.  The teacher effectively shaming him as she obviously is would just make his anxiety worse.  

My DS (can't believe it's been 6 years since we got him) was the same but would hold it in at nursery/school and let it out at home.  We were advised to constantly reassure him that we woud be there to collect him and also to give him a memento to take with him to keep us in his mind.  It was suggested a photo or cuddly toy or just something to remind him of home.  The idea was that if he felt anxious the staff could use the memento to point out that it would not be long until he saw us.  Time outs would make the situation worse (unfortunately we spent 2 years using Supernanny techniques before we realised this).  I think Keemjay's suggestion of quiet activities to try and bring him down is a very good one it certainly works for my DS.  

It is so difficult when it is hard to see what is triggering the behaviour and if your are anything like I was the instinct is to wonder what you are doing wrong.  Believe me when I say it is nothing you are doing wrong you just have a scared little boy who is communicating in the only way he knows.  I think the emphasis should be on the pre-school to help him when it all boils down to it he is only 3.5 and it is their job to support you and him to adjust to this new situation for him.  

I hope things go well for your meeting   

Cindy


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## superal

OMG!  

That is my response to your DS pre-school staff...how unprofessional and tackless was she!!

I am a pre-school assistant and I deal with challenging behaviours from children on a day to day basis and what your son is displaying is perfectly normal ........3 weeks is still early days.  He is learning to accept rules and routines which are all new to him and he should not be judged on the behaviour he is showing at this early stage.........in fact he should not be judged at all on his behaviour!! (I was taught that every child is different.... they bring their own challenges/behaviours......no one child is a "text" book child.....every child should be treated as an individual for who they are!)

You say your son can be stubborn.......I look at it more of him expressing his feelings....not a bad thing to be able to do!!  Although being a parent of a nearly 18 year who is stubborn........its hard to see it that way at times!!  

I would ask his teacher that in future she talks to you on a one to one basis and not in front of other children's parents.  maybe suggest some strategies that work at home for you for them to comply with........we are always supportive of parents and no one knows their child better than the parents themselves!

Does your DS talk to you about what has happened at pre-school.....does he say if things have upset him or does he say what he has enjoyed at pre-school today....it may help to settle him for example if he loves playing in the sand...activities could be provided to support him using the sand........you could say and the staff oh look we've got the sand out for you today if you take turns and listen you'll be able to play with the sand................he has to learn about rules, turn taking and socialising with other children nd the staff at the pre-school should be qualified and know how to settle your son.

Wish you lived close to me I would love to have him at our pre-school!

Your DS is who he is he may just need time to settle into a routine and I could really get on my soap box about the way you and your lovely DS have been treated....good luck with your meeting if it happened already let u sknow how you got on1

Andrea
xx


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## crusoe

I don't have time for a long post now but thank-you, thank-you, thank-you all. You have validated my feelings and given me much to think about.
We have had a wonderful Saturday with ds who has been delighful. It is clear to me he is a "normal" little boy who is understanably anxious about nursery and this displays itself in his behaviours. Nursery staff have to learn how to deal with that. I feel better prepared for my meeting next week with school now.
Andrea and Cindy you posts are especially helpful but I am very grateful for your replies.
I will keep you updated ....
Love Crusoe xxx


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## wynnster

Hi Crusoe

Just wondered how you got on with your meeting?

xx


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## keemjay

ditto wynn..did you get any resolution with the nursery meeting? be nice to hear an update  
kj x


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## crusoe

Hi there
Thanks for your interest here is an update ...
The meeting with nursery went reasonably well. The behaviour support worker "gets adoption" and it's possible implications so is easy to talk to and very helpful. She asked all the right questions and seemed to understand where some of ds's behaviours might be coming from.
The Head and class teacher - hmmm - they say some of the right things but I'm not sure they understand or even want to understand. Have a feeling the head has me down as a neurotic parent and the teacher still thinks ds is just naughty. We have given them some bite sized literature to read but I really doubt much will go in.
That said things have improved a little. I no longer get a dressing down about ds's behaviour in front of other parents and once last week and twice the week before ds came home with stickers for little things he had done nicely. Some positivity was much needed so we are pleased about this and their more professional attitude.

I think ds continues to be tricky to manage but perhaps they are starting to get to know him better now. At home he has been quite difficult for a few weeks, just low level defiance, wanting to do everything himself and getting upset when someone else does it. It's nothing too major but it is constant and therefore quite wearing. He feels quite high maintance compared to his classmates but I have to keep reminding myself some of them are 11 months older than ds!!! I think time will cure a lot of the issues we have at the moment but for now it is blooming hard work ....

Thanks all of you for your replies
Love crusoe
xxx


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## charlie_44

Hi Crusoe, 

I hope you don't mind me posting on this thread and if this isn't really appropriate can someone please remove!

I've been following this with interest since you posted as I know I may have to deal with this in the future.  I have nothing helpful to add I just wanted to send you a   and tell you about my sister and her youngest daughter.  My neice is almost 3 and from an early age she has been very challenging.  She knows her own mind and often won't be co-erced into anthing.  My sister picked her up from nursery the other day and was standing in the queue and heard the teacher telling a mother that her child had been poked by another child and was really upset.  My sister didn't think anyting of it until she got up to the front of the queue and was told that her daughter had been poking and prodding another child.  Once my sister got home she sat down with her daughter and spoke to her about it.  Ten minutes later her daughter poked her (so it's going to take a while!).  My sister happens to be a social worker in a fostering team   She's tried various methods for the behaviour but it's still a work in progress!

Lots of luck, Charlie x


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