# Saddest anniversary...



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Yes I've gone on a downer... Our anniversary is coming up and I just feel so sad. DH isn't himself at the moment either - he's coming to terms to a life without children (like I'm supposed to be doing). The other day he said something like 'I can't see what it's all for anymore. It's just one problem after another - I can't see an end to it.' To me (who is very sensitive and vulnerable right now) it sounded like he wanted to end our relationship    And I'm just so sad that things have turned out the way they have. I can'y change it. This morning I heard one of our songs on the radio and wanted a little smooch - but he just pulled away and said he had to get ready for work.   I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to get 'heavy' with him as it's difficult for him too right now - but I feel so distant, so separate. And I hate it. Now with our anniversary coming - I think it's going to be a non-event. I can't even bring myself to arrange anything...
Bernie


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dearest Bernie, 

I have no fix-it wisdom, but I do believe that moments such as this pass. As much as you are able, hold on to the fact that you have, together, made it this far. And don't force yourself to celebrate - there will be other years for that. Without wanting to sound all Mens are from Mars-ish, they really do deal with grief in a way utterly at odds with the female approach ( I am generalising, so do bear with me) and the pulling away is part of it - he'd probably be really surprised at your interpreting it as meaning that he doesn't want to be with you any more...Let this place hold you up for a while, and keep ranting till it eases...Lots of love, MM xxxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bernie honey, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Sometimes our men crumble when they think we are 'coping' for want of a better word a wee bit better with things - I know my lovely DH has been a tower of strength for me, yet when I have been feeling 'better' its been his time to crumble - and he is going through a particuarly bad time at the moment bless him. You say you're feeling vulnerable right now, perhaps your DH thinks you are more able to 'cope' at the moment? Maybe this is why he has given himself permission to crumble a wee bit?

I'd say don't give up on your anniversary - its mine this weekend and I decided yesterday on the spur of the moment to book us a weekend away somewhere together. We aren't going far, but it will do him the world of good to get out of the house and be away somewhere new for a couple of days. I wish I could wrap up all the crappy things that have happened to us over the years and throw them away - I can't so doing daft spur of the moment stuff is all I can think of at short notice for me and Mr Emcee!

Bernie my lovely, I hope I haven't gone off on one too much here, I am just trying to say in my clumsy way that in my own way I understand a little of what you are going through at the moment. Hang in there honey, you and your lovely man have been through so much - we are only down the other end of a keyboard if you need to chat.

Sending you my love sweetie, sorry that things are so tough for you at the moment

Emcee xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you MM and Emcee. I'm still feeling down in the dumps. DH is so angry these days - and lashing out at me for very little reason. He's just horrible to be with at the moment. And I know that it is because he is going through stuff (just like me) and I know it will pass and I know the man I married is still there inside. I guess this anniversary is just focusing things for me - and the one thing we don't have.  Poor old dh came home last night with a face like thunder and was telling me that a colleague of his had let him down badly with some work, suddenly taking off on leave. I said 'People can't just suddenly take time off like that - don't they have to give warning?'. And he said 'They can when they are off on paternity leave. It's his first baby...' So dh is going through the mire too. 
You are right MM that he is probably doing a Men are from Mars thing and retreating to his cave, but it's killing me cos I'm from Venus and I need reassurance and closeness. 
And I think you have an insight too Emcee, when you say that he thinks I'm 'better' so he can fall apart. Our relationship goes like that all the time, we hold each other up. I suppose the problem this time is that I'm not actually feeling that strong. BTW when is your anniversary? Ours is on 27th - and it will be 13 years (it doesn't help that I'm spooked by that number). I hope you have a lovely weekend. It's too late for us to go away, so I think I'll try to get us out of the house and go explore somewhere....
Bernie xx


----------



## EML (Jul 25, 2005)

Dear Bernie
You are not alone in this situation. My DH is the quiet, moody type and won't talk about what is wrong, but we've been together so long that I know when to leave well alone. I do tend to forget that he has strong emotions about TX too, he just doesn't show them the way I do.. my DH feels so helpless (ours is MF) sometimes, and often questions 'why me'. He told me recently that there were times when going through the IVF treadmill, that he felt like just carrying on driving and not coming back (I must have been hell to live with!!!)...but he didn't and he says that he WOULD have come back...eventually, he just couldn't cope with it all at that time. He just wanted some 'time out' from thinking about it all. Now I think we are closer than most couples we know.
All of us here have been through so much to achieve our dream that it is no wonder our relationships can get strained, but I'd feel reassured that you've been together for so long, you've survived awful grief, and you're STILL together. You're lucky to have such a sensitive partner. And the 13th anniversary isn't so bad, we've just celebrated our 15th and are still planning for our future.
The change of scenery is a good idea. When we've been down our house can be an awful reminder... the place where we kept the medicines, the room where I endured the injections and the 'nursery' that is more our 'junk room'.
I'm not sure if I've told this story on here before, but forgive me if I have...it might help, it did with us...
Following one of our (many) failed IVF failures, our nurse told us that in the previous week a girl had been sitting in the same seat when she told her and her DH the wonderful news that the IVF had worked. Upon hearing this, her DH had got up and said "I'm sorry, I can't cope with this, I thought it wouldn't work...I'm off" and left her. The nurse asked which we would rather have, a strong relationship, or a child (I know... I said 'both' to that as well), but I felt lucky to have such a loving partner. I had focused for so long on the 'goal' of having that child, that I'd 'forgotten' about him!
Anyway, I'm rambling...I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in going through this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Love
Elaine


----------



## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Hi Bernie

I am so sorry that you are going through the mire again right now. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and sending a great big   to you.

As for your anniversary, whether you decide to 'celebrate' it or ignore it, whatever you do, have a conversation about it and agree together what you will do. That way there will be no bad feeling if you mark it in someway and he doesn't or the other way around. I think that that is just setting yourselves up for a row and a thoroughly unpleasant time. And there really isn't any point in that, is there.


Take care of yourself

Vicki
x


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks Elaine, maybe we'll make it to 15 (lol). I know it is a phase - and not serious. I'm just 'feeling' it I guess. Thanks for the advice Vicki - we have spoken about it and it's a bit undecided although the weekend has been deliberately left clear of inlaws and friends. So we can please ourselves. I can remember anniversaries where I whipped dh away to a cottage and where he surprised me witha trip to Venice. But I guess not all anniversaries have to be wild celebrations - it's enough that we are weathering the storm I guess. Means more in the end.
Bernie x
P.S. I remember the first time dh tried to surprise me with a trip. It was on my birthday and he presented me with tickets to Bruge - they were dated for the following Friday (!) He has got better with experience...


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Bernie

Your tale of your DH booking tickets made me laugh!  

Our anniversary is also on the 27th and we will be married 13 years too - we got married at 3pm in the afternoon. What are the odds of us sharing the same anniversary date and years wed then hon?!  

I'm not superstitious so the number 13 don't mean zilch to me. I think myself and DH have had enough bad luck over the years so hopefully we've had our quota   I can dream, right?! 

As for being too late to book anywhere, I booked the weekend away on Tuesday - until then there was nothing planned at all! DH has never planned a holiday or a trip away - its always been left down to me. Thats the one infuriating thing about him   coz I wish he would pull his finger out and surprise me or spoil me sometimes!   then again, goodness knows where we'd end up - eek - this is the man who ran to the arrival door of the airport one year yelling that he was going in the right direction because we were arriving at the airport - LOL! I calmly walked to the departures door and said 'see ya later darling coz I'm departing from this airport'  

Thinking of you both hon, hope you do manage to have a lovely weekend together. Am sorry you feel like you are wading through treacle at the moment. 

Love
Emcee xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Wow Emcee - what a coincidence!  But you pipped us to the post as we got married at 4pm! Dare I ask where you got married? (Tempting more coincidence...?) We were in Ecton near Northampton, which is where dh's parents were living at the time - his dad is a vicar and he married us! It was quite funny though as his dad got all flustered the whole way through. Also he insisted in having his mate the bishop there for moral support (I was a bit embarrassed having him there in his big hat and purple get up - honestly I'm not that religious! - but we agreed so that dh's dad would feel better. Yet on the day he still went to pieces lol - kind of sweet really). Dh's dad provided entertainment throughout the whole day - the funniest moment was when he (drunkenly) leant on the bar and the whole thing collapsed with a large crash. I heard someone say 'The vicar's taken the bar out!' It was like something out of a 70s sitcom (!) Later we saw him drive away from the party without his headlights on - but he did survive. 
Thinking about that has quite cheered me up. It was a very memorable day!
Hope you have a great anniversary!
Bernie xxx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

MOA and E,

Happy Anniversary!!!!

Love, 

MM xxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

LOL - how fantastic of the vicar demolishing the bar whilst propping it up! 

We were married in Coventry at the church where I was christened - sadly the priest didn't prop up or demolish any bars that I am aware of - although he did give us a good laugh during the service! We didn't have a great deal of money and we saved and worked so hard between the two of us to get the cash together to get wed. DH's mother was a nightmare who picked to pieces every single thing we arranged - in the end she got told that it was *our* day and we were doing things *our* way whether she liked it or not! 

Thanks for the happy anniversary wishes MM!

And I hope you have a lovely one as well Bernie... sending you a very gentle spesh anniversary sharing cosmic twinny-thing hug!

Love
Emcee xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Hope you had a great weekend Emcee. Ours turned out ok in the end. We spent lots of time together and I felt our closeness coming back. When I told dh how I'd been feeling he was shocked (yep - we thought as much didn't we - a Man from Mars reaction) and said it was just lots of things on his mind. We had a good long chat and I think it helped him sort stuff out (prioritise) and not to worry about 'us'. So we are ok - but I'm not quite ok really as I can't get on with moving on (see other post). It's hard work.
Bernie x


----------

