# Does it get harder each time



## shellspain (Oct 29, 2007)

Ive just had my 2nd IVF treatment this year . 1st was ICSI with my own eggs, the 2nd was DE IVF (with ICSI). First time round i was naively positive all the way through and was devastated when we got BFN. This time i was quite concerned in the lead up that I was would be able to cope with using a donor. I finally felt like I was comfortable and happy with this decision and went ahead. There was a long delay before we got to ET stage (due to a temporary medicated menopause to treat endometriomas). This time round i was still positive but obviously more aware of all the hurdles you have to get over along the way (ie ..will we get any eggs, how many will fertilise, will they make it to transfer day etc etc etc). Got to OTD without AF arriving and felt secretly very positive that this was going to be our time for a BFP. When we got the BFN results I was absolutely gutted..but know that I cant afford to just fall apart. Need to try and keep strong with the hope that we can go back for FET in 2009.

its now 2 days later and the cracks are appearing and Im reall struggling. I cant even bear to have the tv on at the moment for fear of seeing any more adverts etc with babies, children or happy families in them.
I know time is a healer and I know i got over our last negative cycle but this one has hit me harder. Will every negative cycle be more painful than the last? If so I dont know if I can even deal with going through all this again.

I dont know if ive made much sense cos my head is spinning and im probably rambling on.


Shelly
x


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

So sorry for your BFN, it is hard and yes the old cliche is true time is a great healer.  For me my focus was the next cycle and that is all I could think about, I was in tx pretty much constantly for 2.5 years ranging from clomid,  an operation, 3x iuis and an ivf.  DH wanted us to take time out but I was afraid if I did I would crumble, I had to just keep on going.

Take time to grieve for your result as it is a loss and then re-group and decide what you want to do.  In the meantime be kind to yourself and do little things that make you happy, for me it was a meal out, swimming and spending time with dh.

Only you can decide what is right for you

Hope things work out for you and sending some      your way.

strawbs xx


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## Luisa8 (Apr 20, 2007)

Hi Shell honey,
Just felt I had to reply to you... I think in a way a BFN from DE does hit you harder. Not only have you gone through all the grieving for not being able to use your own eggs and everything that goes along with that but then you build yourself up to using DE with the knowledge that this time you really have a good chance of it working, I was given 60%, I mean it has to work this time..... Then when it doesn't, it really does hit you hard. I was exactly like you after my last BFN. I didn't know how I could possibly go through it all again (and don't get me wrong Im still soooooo scared it wont work) But after a few weeks I started feeling more positive and found myself, like strawbs, focusing on the next tx. Thinking what more I could do to help... changing diet, doing more exersise etc. I mean when it works (NOT if  ) it will truely make all the suffering worthwhile.
Lots of 
Kath xxxx


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## Bunjy (Jan 25, 2007)

Hi Shellspain
A comforting fact is that you are not alone - so let it all out. I have just had a BFN form my third IVF. I came on four days before I was meant to test. The day of testing was meant to be today - so I've had some time to get used to the idea.
I worried throughout all my ectopics and treatments whether I could cope, go through it again...basically take anymore. Like you, I dragged myself out yesterday with my parents to a shopping centre for a coffee and just noticed every person with a bump, with children, men pushing pushchairs....all those people who I'm assuming have no idea how lucky they are - although they could have been through it eh...we just assume they haven't !  But to beat yourself up achieves nothing. Only you will know if you can do it again - for us I just can't face stopping treatment yet. Yes, I have started to consider what if we cannot have our own natural children - but niggling at the back on my mind is that I can't stop just yet. 
My worry is that I have become a bit hardened to my emotions now. Yes, I cry and get overwhelming bouts of sadness and despair but I have sort of built a wall around myself - not necessarily a healthy thing to do - My husband and myself distract ourselves from the pain (not ignoring it) we are going to Brighton next weekend for a night. Tomorrow he has booked tickets for a comedian (I'm dreading it) and I have vowed to have a few drinks - as I haven't for so long ... we are going to try and have a night out the two of us without injections, sniffing, worrying and assuming...In the meantime we are arranging our follow up appt and the one thing that keeps me going at the moment - like some of your other replies is knowing we can try again !
You just never know eh ? When the time is right to stop I think we will know...for now I guess we just keep going ... 
A helpful tip for you may be that in between my second and third IVFs we had inital appts with two other units to get their views on how they would treat us - this was useful info to take back to our consultant.
Hope I haven't written anything which makes you more upset - much love and kind thoughts x


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Hi there

Firstly  I think many of us can completely empathise with what you're feeling right now, it's only natural and like I mentioned to another member the other day, it's almost like grieving and we go through all those grieving emotions....heartache, anger, frustration and finally, although may not believe it right now, acceptance.

We do all deal with things is such differing ways. I can't say it gets "harder" each time but I spose I've dealt with each individual cycle differently. Sometimes I've wanted to run away and hide, I've hidden from friends, avoided pregnant mates and their babies because I just couldn't face any of them....even changed channel when "baby stuff" has come on.....but I've realised that I can't run away for ever....that's just me escaping into myself and alone with my own thoughts isn't always the best place to be !!

We've had 6 treatment cycles now..... 
1st fresh IVF was BFN and I was gutted as I was so sure it would work (perhaps naively but I'd seen so many get +ve results on 1st go, even if I was older than many !).....then we had 2 natural FETs which were both chem pgs so we briefly got our hopes up, only for them to be dashed. I spose, after that, I just became more resigned to the fact that it wasn't going to be as "simple" for us (despite me knowing that there's no guarantees with IVF and having already experienced 2 natural mc's).
I ended up being signed off work for a couple of weeks as GP decided that I was just under too much stress and emotionally drained following the 3 cycles within 1 year.

We then went for our 2nd fresh IVF....again feeling so sure that it really _must_ work and when it didn't again (straight BFN) it was pretty tough and couldn't understand why it was so hard for us. The a 3rd fresh IVF a few months later......and finally our 4th fresh IVF was earlier this year....both straight BFNs.

Following the 3rd IVF (where we had assisted hatching which is sposed to increase chances) I was obviously completely gutted but it's almost like I'd hardened myself and resigned myself to the fact that it could be an even longer journey for us and I had to deal with that. When we had our 4th IVF we got to blastocyst....I'd been at high risk of OHSS again (with 40+ follies and 30 mature eggs collected) and to get to blastocyst stage, we honestly thought (as did the clinic) that really, this must be our time....we'd been through so much, even to point of possibly having to have ET cancelled due to high E2 levels etc but luckily I didn't get full blown OHSS and we decided we'd go ahead. I had Gestone injections so I didn't bleed early (like had on all other fresh IVFs) and actually made it to 14dpEC (9dp5dt) before I started bleeding (longest ever managed).......I just couldn't believe it.....heartbroken was not the word....BUT you know what, I barely even cried.....that doesn't mean that it wasn't hard....and was actually signed off work again for 2 weeks by my GP because a few weeks later I just felt so low and like I was just worth nothing, not a "proper" woman.....and I walked into his surgery room and just burst into tears....the only tears I shed.

That was back in April this year and it did hit both me and DP alot harder than the others because it was not only our 6th cycle but we'd got so near with blastos, but ultimately so far away  It's taken a few months to get my head round it all (not helped with other personal family upsetting news) but I like to think of myself as strong and that I pull myself together and dust myself off pretty quickly. Perhaps I find it easier to do this because I've had lots of experience from an unsettling and somewhat upsetting childhood (which I don't need to go into here !) and learnt at a very young age that I needed to be strong, independant and look after myself and my emotions otherwise I'd end up a wreck.

I do find I make myself busy....and immediately after unsuccessful cycles I always end up going out and getting way drunk (not always the answer but it certainly numbs the pain for a few hours !) and we've got a great circle of friends and family who are supportive and understanding.......and we've also got my wonderful neice who's our god-daughter who holds a very special place in our hearts (and is incredibly spoilt by us !!).

I'm not saying it gets easier.....and I'm not saying it gets harder......we just deal with things differently and some of us resign ourselves and become more resilient.....others possibly don't but decide to draw a line under treatment and to move on in other ways eg adoption etc. (all of which I have admiration for, as I have of you who has gone down the donor route)

We were planning on having another FET around now but due to the family upset, we've decided to postpone it until early next year as just don't need added stress......and I'll be 40 in Jan so hope to have 3 put back if we get them (have been advised to have our 6 frosties taken from day 3 to blasto).....and as it's our 7th go, maybe thats my lucky number after all !!!

Look after yourself and DH....don't shut him out as he'll be feeling the pain too, even if men aren't quite so open with their inner emotions.....treat yourselves, spoil yourselves.......just don't forget why the 2 of you got together in the first place and whilst you may not feel like it right now, make sure you have fun, enjoy being together (I know even after everything we've been through, all the heartache, we're as strong as ever, I think even stronger).

....and the age old cliche "times a great healer" really is true.  Just don't stop believing and staying positive.....I truely believe it will happen for us....and for you and many other FF members going through the same.

Anyway, not even sure if I've helped with all my waffling, apologies I seem to have typed an novella........but remember you're not alone, that's for sure....we're all here to support you ! 

Wishing you all the luck in the world in your journey.....dreams do come true !  
Take care
Natasha xxxx


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## shellspain (Oct 29, 2007)

Wow....thank you so much ladies for your responses and sharing your own heartaches with me. 
Kath, i think you may be right and its the fact it was a DE IVF cycle that has made it harder for me this time?! You know how much I want you to get your BFP this time round honey!

Bunjy & Natasha- you have both been through so much yourselves and for you to take time out to try and help me with my feelings iswonderful. I admire you both so much (as i do with so many other FF) that you manage to pick yourselves up and brush yourselves down after so much heartbreak and disappointment. I sometimes think that so many lovely ladies on here could go out and be fantastic fertility counsellors. After all ..who would understand any better than an FF'er!

Its weird cos sometimes i feel really strong and want to fight this awful infertility and other times i just get overwhelmed by it all. I know I will feel a lot better in time. My main concern is how i deal with my feelings. I had a very bad bout of depression when I was about 20 and it took a lot of time to fully recover (plus we have a long history of mental illness/ breakdowns and schizophrenia in my family) I am so scared of going to that place again that I tend to put walls up around myself. My friends think that I'm coping really well and i can almost believe it myself at times. The problem is I know if i dont let it all out or deal with it properly it will come back to bite me on the butt at a later stage and I cannot let myself get depressed again.

I think ill try to stop worrying about how im going to deal with all this in the future and try and to get on with dealing with the right now. Have a good break, spend some quality time with my DP, basically try and have some fun!

Thank you all so much you have no idea how much better you have made me feel. 

love
Shelly
xxxxx


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## Taxmin31 (Nov 21, 2008)

Hi Everyone

Just been reading your posts and have a tear in my eye. I am lucky in the fact that I have only gone through the emotional rollercoaster once so far, but will be going for FET in Feb of next year. 
I found that I turned to a glass of wine or two every night (wasn't drinking during cycle) and try to look forward to things I can't do when (if ever) I fall pregnant. I have a horse so love riding and my husband and I, and some friends are planning a snowboarding trip (again a non-pregnant activity) so that's really helped me. 
Everyone keep your chin up and here's to a sucessful 2009 for everyone! 

Em x


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