# Help! How to cope with monthly hope and disappointment?



## blockipe (Nov 25, 2013)

Does anyone else wish they were 100% infertile? I sometimes think I would be happier then at least I could start to move on. Instead I hold onto the hope every month that this will be the month. Even when I'm doubled over from endo pain throwing up, a voice in my head goes "well you haven't starting bleeding yet so you could be pregnant"
I'm sure I'm not the only one with this voice in their head but I still get angry at myself for holding onto hope. I thought getting diagnosed with endometriosis would give me some peace (after pestering the doctor for the surgery since I was 16. I'm 25 now) 
But instead I have been told that they have no idea why I can't get pregnant. 

I don't help myself either. I'm pmsing and watching one born every minute torturing myself!

Does anyone have any golden coping strategies with the monthly cycle of hope and grief? I just don't know how I can keep going on like this month after month, year after year. I just swing between depression and anger at my husband as he doesn't seem to be suffering the way I am. Which I know is unfair of me but I can't help it. 

Anyway sorry my thoughts are a little jumbled and pouring out in no particular order. I just thought talking to someone who knows what I'm going through could help. Friends and family mean well but I just end up getting angry at their endless optimism.


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## mrswoofy (Aug 5, 2013)

It's rubbish isn't it! If someone just said it's never going to happen you could at least have a good cry and get off the roller coaster. But there's always something else to try...

I felt the same way until I read a book called Trying to get pregnant and succeeding by Marisa Peer. It really cheered me up and I was lucky to get pregnant within a month. I'm now 26 weeks and everything is fine. I can't promise it will work for you but it will probably help you to feel better about everything. Good luck!


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

take some time off. seriously. it's draining just hoping and coming crashing to earth every month. Give yourself a couple of months in the year when you make it impossible...abstain or use protection, make absolutely sure you aren't... Yes at the time you'll panic and think you've wasted a month but it's honestly better than living with stress all year over it. you can't create fertility but you can 'fake' infertility.. you can give yourself a rest! 

it's take me so many many years to finally get pregnant and looking back, i wish i had spent less time stressing about it.     
of course i hope you get your happy ending soon! but you have to live, just a little, in the meantime...


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## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi there,

Yes, the ups and downs of monthly hope can be really really draining. I have a very close friend whose husband has 100% NO sperm, (they had twins through DS/IVF). Last week she told me that when she was 1 day late, she did a HPT. She KNEW it was nutty, but I think we can become really gripped by "CYCLE STALKING" (new term!). It's exhausting, but taking some practical concrete steps can help. 

When I was at the Zita West clinic, I was fortunate enough to have some excellent counsellors give me support. They were very insightful in terms of helping me to cope with the stress and emotional side of things. They also reckoned I had some sort of amplified PMT cos I was losing ti a few days before each AF.... so they advised me to.....1. eat little and often... never go more than 2-3 hours without a small snack.... a diet high in protein/'good carbs' and low in sugar and stimulants (caffeine etc) can balance our bloods and make us feel a bit calmer. Once I tried it, I did notice that I had less mood swings going up and down and all over the place. 2. Try to stay away from alcohol in the week before AF. It just makes things worse, and as a depressant really doesn't help!!

Apart from that, I think trying to live your life to the full, NOT putting everything off for project pregnant is really important. Do things that will make you happy, lose yourself, make you feel proud of yourself..... yes, you CAN! Don;t let the voice inside your head keep tormenting you and saying that there isn;t anything else you want to do other than be pregnant. MAKE yourself do other things. Honestly, I've wasted 2 years putting everything on hold. It just made my very mad and very sad. 

Be good to yourself, you sound so very sad and angry. Have you thought about talking to a counsellor? It's a tough road, do take some steps to unburden yourself. You deserve it

R xxx


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## Jonsgirl80 (Jun 6, 2013)

I do this every month and every month I'm disappointed.

In reality there is no chance of me getting pregnant naturally as hubby has an extremely low/zero sperm count but so many people say - "it only takes one" that after a while you start to think "hmm maybe it does"

My cycle is quite irregular so I never know when AF is going to come and so many times I've managed to convince myself we might have had a little miracle. 

[email protected]*k or what!


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

I honestly wish there was a switch, as I would torture myself to, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't shut of.

From a few days after ovulation all the imaginary pregnancy symptoms would start and I would convince myself that this was the month we were lucky.  I purchased early pregnancy tests and would start testing days before AF was due.  I would pick them apart and hold them to the light and convince myself there was a faint line.  I done this for about 3 years and even now, can see that I caused myself so much stress and no doubt made my fertility problems worse.

Haven't helped really, but you are not alone.

X


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Hi Blockipe,

I have thought this so many times!! It's the uncertainty and not knowing that is so hard. We have 'unexplained infertility' no diagnosis, no medical reason found and lots of times I have thought it would be easier if someone said it CAN NEVER and WILL NEVER happen! It's awful to wish something so awful on yourself in order to try and get some relief from it all, but it just seems like then I could say right that's it, the end, move on.  It's the hope that actually made things so hard for me, like you said you hope and then crash down in disappointment.  I have now given up hope in some ways, I didn't decide to do it, it just gradually happened, I always expect to get my period and never expect to be pregnant.  I still have pangs of deep sadness about not being able to conceive, but it has made things easier.  Although then I read things that say positive thinking and imagining you are pregnant and with your baby are really important and thinking it wont happen could hinder you conceiving, then on the other hand you hear it will happen when you least expect it, when you stop hoping or trying, so what the hell should we be thinking!!  Do our thoughts about it actually make any difference at all?!

I think what others have said about taking a break and not running our lives around the possibility of getting pregnant is really helpful.  For so long we were doing that, we have wanted to book certain trips but didn't because I might be pregnant but it never happened. Now we've decided to live our lives and stop doing that, I don't want to waste my life as if we do have a baby we wont have this time together, just us, in the same way.  I want to enjoy having my DH to myself, not thinking of the future all the time.  I think it helps to focus on the here and now, do lovely things together and not put things on hold.  

Good luck, it is a hard journey and one only other people with IF will ever really understand


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## Snave78 (Aug 16, 2013)

Again its nice to read my thoughts in somene elses post but heart breaking also. I hate the fact that the signs of AF can mimick the signs if pregnancy, as our consultant said "i can tell you nothing more than mother nature is cruel" and its true! And i can understand almost wishing for more than "unexplained infertility". 

My DH and i have also put our lives on hold "just in case" until the start of 2014 (does anyone else put dates in their diary and think, "oh i might be pregnant by then?!" ( i think thats the first time i have admitted it!) 

Nothing more to add except sending huge   to everyone!
Snave


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## Wisp (Mar 13, 2014)

Snave78,

Yes I have done that too! 

I like that your Consultant said it how it is, as that's exactly how it feels...cruel


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

I seriously thought about going on the pill or something before our IVF became a possibility.  How crazy is that!  The rollercoaster and obsession is so great every month that I actually thought this might be the only way to try and control it - treating infertility with a drug that makes me infertile  

If our final try fails then I think I'll still be desperately trying every month, even though we've never got close to a natural pregnancy in 4 years and the chances of it with my DH's poor sperm are absolutely negligible.  I think because my DH already has children it will be impossible to ever get away from it completely because it's always there.  I worry that we're doomed to spend the rest of our lives with this and that the only glimmer of hope is the menopause - god how depressing is that  

It's the little glimmers of hope that are the killers.  As long as there is hope (real or imagined) then it's hard not to go a little crazy.  It's hard to find a life outside of obsession isn't it.  Little steps though, I've weened myself off of the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor and shunned my thermometer of late.  That's got to be a good sign isn't it?! 

Sending you lots of


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## kerryh (Apr 15, 2014)

Feel exactly the same. I now think of my monthly cycle as a roundabout of misery. 

We had to take a month off trying and I was dreading it but actually it was such a relief and I had the most calm and sane month for a long time, which we both really needed. We went away for the weekend and had whatever sort of sex we wanted at whatever time we chose and when it came to my period I was so relaxed about coming on! 

So maybe do give yourself a months break.


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