# Two imperfect people try adopting



## Perkins2

So how to start a diary of my adoption journey   Well probably with the title '2017 will hopefully be our year' The mantra me, my OH & probably hundreds of ff have said at the end of every year in the eternal quest for parenthood. 
A bit about what led us to today. Well me & my OH met a bit later in life, me 35 OH 40.  I'd previously been in a ten year relationship with somebody who didn't want children & I was happy with that until...bam my Dad died & suddenly family & having my own family became the most important thing to me. 
Splitting up wasn't that hard, whilst we'd had fun clubbing, hanging out with friends etc. my priorities & needs had changed, where previously I was longing for Saturday nights now I was longing for a pregnant bump & everything else that came with it. I was very fortunate in that I met my OH six months later. What was less fortunate is he didn't really fit in with my friends, many of whom didn't accept the split between me & my previous boyfriend (we'd been a very close knit group doing everything together) & I ended up withdrawing from them. 
Thankfully me & my OH just clicked & from the outset talked about our desire to have kids. I knew from the start he'd be a fab Dad, he was like nothing I'd experienced before, extremely attentive & always putting me first, knowing when I felt down & always able to make me smile. The hardest working man I know & in a weird way I suppose he reminded me of my Dad. 
We got engaged on holiday at the beginning of 2013 & decided to try for children straight away. We couldn't believe our luck when a few weeks after the holiday I got a bfp. One of those couples that don't even have to try!!!  however our joy only lasted 7 weeks  
Months went by of ttc where I endured endless baby showers, friends on their 3rd pregnancy, constant questions as to why we hadn't got married yet (because if we get married we'll then have to endure the when are you going to have children questions!) then in 2014 our ivf journey began. 
The first go (NHS funded) was a massive shock to me. My best friend had gone through the process, had got pregnant first time and also ended up with five very healthy embryos still in the freezer. I'd naively kind of expected the same result. But no, two blastocysts ended with a bfn & none in the freezer. 
Round two (privately paid) I threw everything at it, acupuncture, reflexology, vitamins (I'd have run round naked smacking myself with twigs if I'd thought it would work!) The 2ww was the most anxiety provoking time of my life, so much for trying to stay stress free! but again we got a bfn, this time on Mother's Day. We were away at the time & ended up eating out at a service station as it was the only place that wasn't full of families celebrating the day.
The second time round I went on the ff for support & whilst it was the best support ever I could also feel my mind being sucked into the wonderful world of immunes, DNA testing, sperm fragmentation testing & a whole host of other weird & wonderful unscientificly proven tests. My ivf consultant didn't help my fears by suggesting a test he'd previously rubbished, as a way of offering me some sort of false hope- PGS, which was ridiculous as that was a way of picking the best embryos to implant back in the womb & I was only making two per treatment cycle. 
In the back of my mind throughout the treatment was a work colleague. She'd tried ivf over 8 years before getting her little girl. I'd seen the misery she had gone through, the massive debt she'd accrued, the strain on her relationship  & the effect on her mental health. I know not all stories end up like that but I think it was so close to home that I wanted to get off the ivf train at the first opportunity with my mind & relationship still intact & with one paid treatment still to go that's what we did.


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## Perkins2

We'd talked about adoption throughout the second round of treatment and slowly I started to accept that I didn't need to be pregnant to be a mum & with my anxieties during the 2ww how would I cope with 9months! 
My OH agreed straight away to adoption. I was initially sceptical about how easily he was persuaded down this route & even got him drunk one night just so I could get his true feelings out  But after many weeks of various interrogations (bonkers I know!) I was relieved to see he felt the same way as me.


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## Perkins2

So began the information gathering which included internet searches, meeting with an old friend who'd adopted a child & telephone calls to various agencies. At the same time I'd been nagging my OH to be info gathering as well & thought we were on the same page, that is until we went to the information event. Wide eyed & lost for words my OH read one adoption profile & then another, then sat through a brief talk about foetal alcohol syndrome before admitting to me that he'd been expecting our child to come from somebody like an unmarried 15yr old catholic girl....hmmm, really! Thankfully we sat down with a lovely social worker who didn't seem in the least put off by my OH naivety & suggested he spent the next few weeks doing some research before arranging a social work visit. To be fair on my OH the info event wasn't for the faint hearted, the profiles were all large sibling groups from completely different ethnic backgrounds from our own, with an array of very complex needs. 
Following the event I arranged for a woman  from work to call round to talk about her adoption experience & then we went round a couples house so my OH could have a good chat with the husband & get a male perspective. Thankfully after that my OH felt more informed & less freaked out about the whole process. I then got him drunk again (obviously) just to check true feelings - definitely a strategy I'd recommend!


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## Perkins2

23rd August 2016 was when I made the call for our first sw visit. I was told if I didn't hear within 2 week to phone back. 2 weeks went by & I phoned back, we then waited another week before a lovely sw phoned to say she could see us tomorrow or the next day,then after that she would be going for an operation. Excitedly I phoned my OH who immediately said he wasn't able to do either days due to important meetings, grrr! & then Immediate panic by me, 'what if they think we aren't committed' 'what if they think, "if we've not got time for a sw meeting we've not got time for children"'. I then grumpily told my OH that he needed to ring the sw back & arrange the first visit as I could literally drop everything to attend. Unfortunately she ended up going for her operation without getting to see us first & then what ensued was weeks of sick, then another operation, then more sick, loads of calls from me to try & get another sw, no calls returned (soon realised that the phrase 'if you don't hear in two weeks' meant 'you won't hear in two weeks & you'll always have to ring back') then eventually we got reallocated a new social worker.


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## Perkins2

I should probably say at this point that we went with our LA, as despite it having 'Inadequate' as it's ofsted report we were rightly or wrongly lured by the fact it covered a massive area, so we thought there was a higher chance of matching with a child or children who's needs we best suited.


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## Perkins2

So now it's the beginning of Dec, it's a wednesday & ive managed to pin both my OH and the sw down for our first meeting. Me and my OH have booked the morning off work (grumbles from OH 'couldn't I have arranged a 5o'clock appointment') when the phone rings. It's the sw, she's in hospital with her son who's broken his leg....argh are we ever going to get this first visit! Deep breath by me & lots of empathy down the phone - I want the social worker to see what a lovely caring person I am by making statements such as -'of course we don't mind rearranging' (whilst flapping my hand at my OH who's growling & giving me the death stare)


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## Tictoc

What a nightmare start - being a very impatient person I struggled with the speed of the process but just try and bear in mind that the delays might be necessary to make sure the right child is ready for you at the right time. Our first time round was so slow but our daughter wasn't ready yet. Next time was so fast that actually if it hadn't been our second time we wouldn't have had time to catch our breath and it would have been too overwhelming.

Good luck


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## Perkins2

Tictoc you are so right, maybe our child or children aren't quite ready yet, that's a nice calming thought for my impatience. 

I'll carry on keeping my diary up to speed. My writing got interrupted by NYE, not that I did anything amazing. It was one of my best friends birthday, a big one. Unfortunately she is still friends with my ex & his friends so I opted not to go. Something the last few years have taught me is to be kind to myself & to sometimes be a little bit selfish. I've always been a person to put everyone before me, the first person to make someone's new girlfriend/boyfriend be part of the group, always mindful of others feelings, to be there at a drop of a hat if someone needs me & to stand up for right & wrong. Recent years have shown me you don't always get what you give! & I certainly didn't want to see 2017 in (mine & my OH year) with anybody that didn't wish us both well!
We ended up driving to a view point of the city & watched the fireworks going off across. I don't know why I said our New Year's Eve wasn't anything amazing, actually it was!


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## Perkins2

We ended up seeing our new social worker before Christmas, it was a Friday at 5pm. I'm normally a chilled out person, I have a stressful job which I take in my stride however when it comes to ivf or adoption I turn into the most anxious person ever! So my anxiety about the sw is whether she'll like us or not, I'm absolutely desperate to make a good first impression. So when my OH phones me Friday morning (working away in Devon) & casually tells me he's probably going to be late, I feel my head is about to explode!!

4.30 comes, I'm praying she'll be late as our house is quite hard to find but no such luck, she's early. Whilst she's using the toilet & probably having a nosey upstairs I phone my OH, using my 'where the hell are you' voice when I think she can't hear me & my 'I'm so in love with him' voice when she re enters the room. 

Thank god she's really nice & chatty. However when my OH gets home he doesn't exactly make up for his tardiness. My OH has a routine he does when he gets in. Basically he comes in the house, goes straight upstairs to drop his bags off(ignoring anyone in the lounge be it me, my family or friends), & then comes back into the lounge , eyes down answering work emails on his phone, only when that's done do you get his full attention. Does he change that routine with the sw being in the house? Nope! This sends me into anxiety overdrive & I start doing some weird laugh after everything I say, like my laughter will soften the situation & draw attention from the fact my OH is giving the impression he's not in the least interested in adopting. I can see in her rather bemused face that my tactic isn't working. Thankfully emails done, my OH turned on the charm. 

In total the sw was with us for about 2.5hrs and at last we felt a bit more informed about the process they followed. We told her that we would like two children between 0&4 & that we didn't mind about ethnicity as long as they weren't too different from our own (I.e. Strangers thinking I'd been having it away with someone that wasn't my oh), we said we didn't mind girls or boys (I didn't let on to the sw that I'd been saying if it was two boys we'd then have to adopt a girl as she'd told me whilst we were waiting for OH how much she hated it when couples wanted to pick the sex of their child). She then asked us about backgrounds, disabilities etc, which at this stage we didn't feel confident in answering as we didn't feel informed enough.

One comment the sw did make was that other sworkers probably wouldn't have been very happy doing the meeting at 5pm on a Friday. My OH responded that the previous visit had been Wednesday at 11am, which she'd cancelled & we'd taken the morning off for. He then went on to say was there any chance we could get a bit more notice before sw visits as opposed to a few days before as he had to try & arrange the time off work. This confirmed what I'd been thinking - that everything we say has a double meaning & he got the response 'but what would you do if your child's school phoned & said he'd had an accident & wanted his Daddy' erm...slightly different scenario as that's an emergency situation. Unfortunately that conversation has only added to my anxiety that everything we do or say is being scrutinised!

Somehow though, despite a few more gaffs from my OH (rolling eyes at hearing the baby next door crying! & sounding incredulous when the sw mentioned she'd cliff dived. To which she then informed my OH she hadn't always been the size she was, she'd just had an accident (to be fair on my OH he's not sizest hed only seen it being done by the young Mexican lads on a recent holiday)) we managed to do enough for the sw to say she was happy for us to start the first stage & would be writing that in her report.


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## Perkins2

I'm writing this bit separate as it was an issue I'd been especially worried about prior to the sw visit, that being my OH relationship with his family, or should I say estrangement from his family (I sound like I'm painting a terrible picture of my OH so far! He is in fact lovely & gets on brilliantly with my friends outside my old group & with my family)

Anyway the sw turned this into a positive & said they didn't really want couples with 'perfect' backgrounds as they usually lacked insight into the difficult backgrounds of others. Phew!


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## Perkins2

Following on from the sw visit I wasn't expecting to hear anything for ages, especially with how long it had taken so far but a week later I got a call from the sw saying we were booked on prep classes in January. She said a letter would arrive in the post with the exact times & location. I think she'd taken heed of what my OH had said about giving us notice (yep life before adoption is very different, people do have jobs!)

Anyway now time for a crazy story. I missed The sw first call so rang her back and spoke to her. She then rang me again whilst I was with a patient, I checked my phone, saw it was her & put it back in my bag. If for example it had been my child's school I would have excused myself from the patient & answered it but as it was the sw, i.e. Not an emergency, it could wait. When I got back to the car I text the sw asking what she wanted, to which she replied 'nothing, it's okay'. I then remembered saying at the meeting that if my OH happened to be away on business when the child's school phoned it wouldn't be a problem, as I always had my phone with me & could drop what I was doing to be there straight away. Was the sw testing me?! 

God is the adoption process going to do something to me that ivf couldn't & send me bonkers...?


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## Perkins2

So Christmas was spent doing loads of babysitting/building up childcare CV! This was in part successful- full day with 7 year old redesigning grandma's old tshirts into dresses & bags (I'm very creative) A day with my 3 year old niece, telling me how much she loved me & how I was her best friend. And not so successful - one year old nephew constantly crying when grandma left the room, hysterical during nappy change + wee everywhere, hysterical at the park, hysterical in the bath, happy again with cuddles from grandma.

if that's what bonding with my nephew is like, what hope have I got with an adopted child....?


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## Perkins2

So back at work tomorrow & I need to get hold of my adoption Tourette's. 

So the sw seemed keen that we are open about adopting, I don't have a problem with that. What I do have a problem with is that I can't seem to stop telling everyone! A new consultant that I vaguely know popped into work before Christmas. She did a short stint before going off on maternity leave. She came in to show everyone her new baby. Even before she had chance to tell 'The Birthing Story' I jumped in to say I was adopting. The sales people that we are getting our new home from, know we are adopting. My neighbour knows & I know that I'll be telling the lady across the road at the first opportunity.

I never ran around telling everyone that I was having IVF, so why am I telling everyone about adopting?! Maybe it's because I've recently turned forty & I just want everyone to know I'm not going into my forties childless, maybe I've just had enough of listening to everyone else's news & I want to talk about some of my own....who knows?! I wish I had some of my OH ability to be completely private. I mean he's so private I'm worried there will be some skeleton that gets uncovered during this process that will stop the adoption!

God, what if there is & I've run around telling everyone that we are adopting......we'll have to emigrate! This process really is going to send me bonkers.....


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## Dawn86

Great to hear that the initial meeting went well. I'm sure she wasn't testing you, but it's hard not to feel paranoid on this journey!!

I'm struggling with how much to share as well. At the moment I think I'll probably not share our adoption plans with anyone but close family and friends who need to know (e.g. referees). I read somewhere that there's a difference between being secretive and private on the adoption journey. I don't intend to be secretive because that will make it feel like a dirty secret, but I also don't want everyone to know because it's a private family matter and my child's story to tell, as much as possible. That probably doesn't make sense, but it's as far as I've gotten in my thinking at the moment.

Xx


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## Dawn86

Ps. I completely understand the need to tell others that there's things happening in your life too... I think most of us will know that limbo feeling


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## Perkins2

Thanks Dawn, I'm hoping that my recent meltdown has subsided & I can reign myself in. What I have learnt tho from blabbing to people at work is how many other people have adopted children. I'm actually quite amazed! & adopters seem to be the nicest of people, so keen to share their stories & offering help with mine.


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## Perkins2

Something I'm struggling with at the moment is a topic that the sw brought up at the meeting - birth control. When she first mentioned the subject & how they'd prefer it if we used birth control I was adamant that we definitely would. At the time I could have run down to the local pharmacy, grabbed packets of the pill & gobbled them in front of her to show her how dedicated we were to the process. As that wasn't an option I phoned the doctors the next day & made an appointment to see the nurse. The first appointment they had wasn't until this coming Friday. However since then I've had a lot of time to think.

So the plus sides of me going on the pill are; no more painful useless periods; no more week long headaches; no more am I pregnant/am I not (unexplained fertility); no more, 'should I still be taking folic acid just in case?' & then even more importantly (which is very different for different people) I wouldn't want to get pregnant during the process & end up with a birth child & an adopted child, for me it's one or the other. 

The downside however is a big one & thats - what if we don't get approved & I've wasted 6 months on the pill where we could have had the slimmest of chances of me getting preggers. Also I've still got a paid for ivf at Care that I would use if we didn't get approved. 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?


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## Perkins2

I'm sorry about posting a hundred times more than anyone else at the moment, I think it's because I'm so anxious about the process & the fear that I might not be a mum, the fear I managed to knock aside during the IVF. 

A new sw phoned today to say she wanted to see us before the prep class, to go through all the stage one paperwork & to fill in the registration of interest form. It wasn't what we were expecting. My OH was not happy, he doesn't like changes to processes & has got it in his head that every social worker we've spoken to has given us a different story. 

Thank god she didn't ring him as he had a full blown rant at the messenger (i.e. Me) about having to change his working week about at the last minute & having to get flights. We spoke about it later as I felt his annoyance was well out of proportion, to be honest I'd been really worried that he was having a change of heart by his reaction. He admitted he had overreacted, the reason being was that he was anxious about what the process entailed & thought we'd have a few more weeks plus prep classes to help him get his head around it.

God I've not even shown him the paperwork for stage one, all the questions are totally overwhelming. At the moment it's the references that are worrying me the most. Three references each, fine! Three references that know us both really well & can comment on our parenting skills, not so fine! I've got two references on my side that could comment on both of us & give some feedback on our parenting abilities but none of the rest of my friends know him that well. He on the other hand has friends who live far away from his army days, who hardly know me at all & wouldn't be able to comment on his parenting skills let alone mine. 

We've been together five years and have a pretty normal relationship, I think?! I meet up with my girlfriends by myself & have them round for tea when OH is away on business during the week. He sometimes goes down south to play golf with his old friends , occasionally we go round a friends house for dinner, we visit my family who love him & we do loads of stuff as a couple. However as we are only allowed one family reference, our life style means we only really have one friend who knows us well as a couple. 

My parents would never have passed this process & they were fab parents. My Dad played golf occasionally with his golf buddies & the extent of my mums friendships were talking to the neighbours on the doorstep. We were a happy family & it's only now that I remember that my parents never had friends round nor did they go round anyone else's. God knows how they'd have managed for references.

Anyway I've emailed the sw asking for advice & whether we need extra references that know us individually. At the moment it feels like my lifestyle is not going to be good enough for us to adopt & that really as a couple we should have been hanging out with other couples, playing with their kids.


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## Perkins2

I had a bit of a cry at work this morning, which isn't like me at all. I think I'm hormonal, which always makes life a little more difficult. I opened the email from the sw & yes they definitely want one of my OH friends to write a reference for us both, despite the fact they've met me once. That should be interesting reading! Especially the bit about my parenting skills, I'm sure he learnt a lot about them from watching me eat a curry. 

The bit that upset me tho & I knew this was probably coming, was she also said they'd definitely want references off previous partners. It makes me feel so exposed, I hate the fact that the group of friends that I used to associate with are now going to know that we are infertile, it's none of their business! There is no way my ex won't be talking about it with everyone. I called in to see a friend on my way home, she will contact him for me as I don't want to open up the channels of communication again. That's my past & I want it to stay that way.


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## Dawn86

Oh honey. I'm sorry. I'm sure it won't matter that you have one out of 3 referees who doesn't know both of you as a couple in detail. You have your other referees. I feel the same about how much harder it is for us to get approved as adoptive parents than any other couple and I rant about it with DH but he reminds me that these are vulnerable children and they need to find out as much as they can about our skills. God knows whether I'll get through the process because I don't feel like I have any skills! But I'm trying to hold on to how positive the SWs have sounded when I've called around and actually spoken to a person rather than a scary list of requirements. 

It's hard that you have to have a reference from your ex. I guess there's no way to soften the message? If you spoke with him in advance maybe he'll do the decent thing and not gossip about it?

Big hugs x


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## ciacox

Just catching up with your diary - sounds like things are moving pretty fast now. I relate so much to some of the things you said about your husband. I found the assessment process really strange as a couple. Almost like going to a job interview together. As much as I love my partner and (generally!) rate his social skills, I hated not being in control of what he said and did (!). Overall, I think it was good for us and as time went on I did come to trust that he was doing a good job.

Re the references, I wouldn't worry too much. His friend can talk about you as a couple through what he knows of you both through your husband. As long as you've got some people who know each of you I'm sure it'll be fine. And I'm sorry about your ex having to be involved. Just think, once you have adopted everyone will start guessing the reasons why so this just means it's happening a bit sooner. 

I told everyone too (and then panicked that it wouldn't work out). I think I wanted to talk about it for the reasons you mentioned and also because I thought (and still do think if I'm honest!) that people who adopt are super cool and I wanted to show off! Yes, the story of the adoption will be private to your child but in my experience it's impossible to keep the fact of the adoption under your hat. Having a toddler move in with you is pretty noticeable!


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## Perkins2

Thanks guys for the reassurance. 

I love my OH but don't particularly rate his social skills , we always laugh about how he stays in the car until the lady across the road has gone back into her house as he hates small talk. You worry when you are a single person going through the process but it's also hard when you're in a couple as you can feel like you are using extra energy helping your OH through the process. I love the analogy about the job interview ciacox, if one of you messes up you're both knackered!

My OH really wasn't happy about exs giving references  as not only will he have to give the last one, he was also briefly married to a woman over twenty years ago that had children. God knows how we'll find her details, my OH can't even remember the old address they lived at so tomorrow we are going to have to drive over to the area he once lived so he can work out the address.

I'm a right moaner at the moment. I know that ss need to know we aren't abusers etc. & can only find that out from ex partners, & it's all about the kids but I just want to get it out there that this is ONE ALMIGHTY PAIN IN THE !!!!!!!

I hope I start writing in a few weeks time, how much I loved the sw visit & how all the written work is so enlightening but I think I'm going to whinge throughout this whole process. You might want to stop reading now if you want to read a more uplifting diary .....


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## Perkins2

Haha just seen the emoji that one of my words was changed to, hilarious I needed a laugh 😂


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## Perkins2

Right time to pick myself up a bit. I was thinking this morning that people must be reading this diary & thinking 'selfish cow ' She's only thinking about herself & the references & not the needs of the children . The reason I say that is because that's my own thoughts & they make me feel very guilty. However I'm not going to guilt trip myself today, i actually think it's fair to think like that at the moment because in reality the children aren't real, I've not met any, I've not read any profiles (accept ones from the terrible info day), I've not learnt anything about them. My life & what I am experiencing at the moment is my reality so I'm allowed to moan about it. 

I'm guessing as we go through the process & the children become real my focus will move off myself & onto them & I'll want to do whatever it takes to benifit them. 

Maybe I'm getting enlightened quicker than I thought! However I'm going to stay a whinge bag for now ......


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## Perkins2

So I'm still worrying myself to death about references. We didn't end up driving around looking for my OH previous address from twenty years ago yesterday, he decided to look on google maps instead, which makes more sense. We ended up going for a walk & a pub lunch instead.

In the pub I spoke to my OH about our references. It's really hard as it's always me that brings up the subject of adoption. I think if I left it for two years at no point would he turn round to me & say 'so what's happening about the adoption'. I asked if he'd contacted his friend about being a referee to which he answered that he'd text him but he'd not replied back yet. I then asked if he'd definitely be willing to come to us for the sw one to one, to which he replied 'I'd like to think so but if not I'll ask someone else'. Well that's really reassuring because this friend is the most reliable out of all his army buddies & is the only one he sees with any regularity. Another big problem is that this friend has had extended service added to his career due to the speciality of his job & is still serving which means he could go abroad at any point. 

My OH, unfortunately for this process, has been the sort of bloke who has concentrated on his career & the girl he was with at the time. He has friends but only bothers with them occasionally/ rarely. He had European friends that he met through rock climbing & who he gradually saw less & less of in the time he's known me & the others are army buddies only one of which he has regular contact with, but even that friend has never been to visit so I'd hardly call them close! In fact when we've talked about marriage in the past my OH said he wouldn't bother with a best man. 

I know that makes him sound a bit weird but he is honestly a lovely man. When he leaves after me in the morning I come back to a spotless house with my slippers warming on the radiator, when we order food in a restaurant if I can't decide between two options he orders the second in case I want to change my mind, on my recent birthday he got up ridiculously early to ferry all my friends about so no one would have to drive, he always does a million jobs for my mum when we visit & once painted her garden fence even tho he'd not long dislocated his shoulder, he will sit for an hour in the evening & massage my feet, he's the first to help someone up the stairs with a pram & makes huge donations to charity at Christmas, the list goes on, but for some stupid reason we are having problems finding suitable references!!!!

It's a friends birthday today & I'm meeting her & some other girls for lunch. Some of whom are friends 
, some of whom are acquaintances. I'm dreading it as they've all got children & they will be talking children talk all through the lunch. Sometimes I can cope with this but at other times it's really, really difficult. I have tried to address this in a way that people won't feel that I never want people to talk about their children & although everyone responded really well, it's gone in one ear & out the other. I know one of my friends children had chicken pox last week so children & illnesses will be on the agenda. I've really got it in my head today that we are going to fail at this & I feel too wobbly to deal with listening about other people's children & feeling completely on the outside.


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## Perkins2

So I was completely pathetic today & opted out of the birthday meal. I told one friend I'm struggling with all the paperwork & worry we won't get through the process & to tell everyone I'm ill & another friend the same thing but with the added bit about my OH references. It's so hard knowing who to tell what, I want the support from friends but sometimes they only listen to half the story & before you know it I've got people suspicious as to why my OH can't get a reference. 

Had a good heart to heart with my OH after our initial row over the references. He reassured me a bit about his army friend, he'd spoken to him on the phone, he'd agreed to coming to us to do the reference but couldn't say for sure that he wouldn't be posted anywhere over the next year. I can't argue with that. 

Next problem - ex wife's of 8 months whereabouts! He's found on google where they lived 20 years ago but it's now a new housing estate. My OH is worried about telling ss this as he thinks it sounds dodgy & wants time to track her down. I'm not entirely sure where he is going to start with this as they have no contacts in common, and he has no idea of her current surname, but that's his plan. He therefore wants me to email the sw to postpone her visit. I've emailed her with the problem & I'll see what she says tomorrow ( I'm hoping that her email is a little more sensitive than last time when she just emailed me back the exact same thing she'd asked for)

I know I've been keen to get going on this process but it hasn't helped the stress of the references by having less than a week to supply them plus all our addresses from the last ten years. I mean who retains all that info, I don't even know my current landline number & ive lived here for seven years. 

So today has been depressed Sunday! I seriously need to consider getting some ready meals in the freezer as I never have any food in on depressed Sundays or Saturdays and as usual on these days my OH is working away doing overtime to get extra money for our new house. Not that depressed Sundays happen all the time, just a couple during my ttc years & ivf years. This is my first in my adoption year, although it's only a few days in, so not really very good going so far. 

Got a text from another friend earlier, inviting me to another big birthday do, this time for afternoon tea. I went to her baby shower years ago when I was ttc & it was horrendous trying to hold tears back with all the new mums & pregnant women. It will be the same group of her friends but several pregnancies & children later. Also got another birthday lunch next week, with a group of girls. I'm finding it so hard to deal with groups of women, at the moment I'm so much better one to one. Please god let me pull it together this week & let it be my hormones at the moment bringing me down! I can't avoid another birthday do next week.

Right time to get out of my dressing gown, have a bath & make myself look normal enough to answer the door to the dominos delivery man.


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## Tictoc

One of my friends who I have been closest to throughout my adult life moved to Cyprus some years ago - she was still my referee though and I hoped they would line up her meeting when she was over visiting parents - I was stressing trying to make it all work and my SW told me to not worry so much she would just speak to her over Skype. Hopefully that could be an option for your OH referee too.

Also - I think it's actually pretty common for adult men to be useless at keeping up friendships - especially when they are part of a couple. I worried about finding non family reference for my OH too and in the end a school friend did it but honestly this guy doesn't know us as a couple other than being at our wedding and we never see him now.

Sw's are used to all these issues so try not to stress too much about it. If you can't track down ex wife I am sure they will work around it. No experience with that one but I would imagine most people don't keep track of exes unless they have kids together.


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## bulmer

Try not to stress too much about ex's and references they are only part of the overall assessment.  I wasn't married but had cohabited and had no idea where ex was - I'd moved on and hadn't seen or spoken to him for years. SW didn't give it a second thought and said as we never had kids together it wasn't that important. If OH has divorce papers which show divorce wasn't based on any behaviour on his part that may help. For references we used a good friend of mine who had met OH but not regularly due to the distance she lives from us, a 2nd friend who lived nearby so had met OH more frequently but wouldn't say it was regular. A friend of his who I only know through work (I still couldn't tell you much about him) and family (they met both our respective parents) and they were happy with this. We emphasised that we spent a lot of our free time with family members making it clear they were all very supportive and keen to meet the children who were to be part of our family. Once you get the process underway it will all fall into place.  Good luck xx


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## Perkins2

Thanks, Tictoc & bulmer, it's so nice to come on here & read what people have to say, it definitely pours water on a very troubled mind! as it turned out the sw was lovely and put our minds at rest......

I spent a few days post meltdown pre sw visit with the migraine from hell, which was kept alive by my OH suddenly getting cold feet about adopting. Thankfully his cold feet was just an anxiety reaction to the impending sw visit (or as he saw it interrogation).

The morning of the visit I got ANOTHER call from my OH who was working in Edinburgh, stating he might be late AGAIN. So that added to my other anxieties that he a) had decided the social worker was pushy, b) had decided he didn't like her for being pushy & c) now appeared to have cold feet. 

Thankfully they arrived at the same time. Not so thankfully my OH presented as grouchy +++++. It's amazing how much panic a human can have in their heads without showing it in their face, well that's what I was hoping for! 

As the conversation got into more of a swing, the sw started her 'awkward' questions with my OH. 'Awkwar' purely because he's never really spoken to me about his ex wife & 'awkward' because he felt foolish for what she'd put him through in their relationship. But amazingly it was like a bit of therapy & after that everything seemed to change & become much more relaxed. My OH even admitted to the sw that his heart had been pounding through the questions. All in all I think my OH came across as very real & it was me that looked the peculiar one with a daft fixed smile on my face & the strange over compensating laugh I seem to have developed purely for sworkers! 

One thing that was a bit of a sticking point was the impending house move & we had a lot of discussion around whether we should start stage one, then wait for a few months before starting stage two, or wait before starting stage one & do them both together. The sw wanted me to get a more definite date for our house move & phone her back Friday with our decision. I'll write about that in the next post......

So all in all the new sw was really nice & more importantly my OH liked her!


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## Perkins2

I've just changed my title as I think it totally reflects our journey & basically if we can manage it, hopefully it will help others, if not I'll just delete the diary 😄

The day after the sw visit I phoned the building company to be told that the sales team that was there before Christmas had now left & they had a new team in post, great! I'd been dealing with the manager who was aware of the adoption & had assured me that she would keep us informed of progress. So now she'd gone & not only that, I found out she'd basically given us a much earlier finish date to get our deposits & probably her commission before moving to a new site. The new finish date is now end of the year. So it's now wait another six months before starting or give up on the house. 

Cue meltdown number 3!! Now it may just seem like a house, but this is my dream house & after years of ttc, short lived pregnancy & failed ivf, the hassle that we will be having over the next year & whatever our LOs will experience, I wanted there to be a piece of perfection at the end of it. My lovely family in our lovely house.  

Meltdown didn't happen immediately, first came the text from my best friend in response to my moan about the house. Very flippant text tellling me to just forget about moving & concentrate on the children. Then saying how she could have afforded a more expensive house whilst doing ivf but decided to save the money in case they needed treatment & then inferring we couldn't have everything. Well a) she didn't have to pay for ivf, we did b) she got two children at both tries, we got none c) she hadn't been after a house for 8 months & then lost it, she got the house she wanted & d)what has the price of the house got to do with anything! 

So after that I went to the doctors, to discuss contraceptives (I'd got the date wrong as I'd thought it was last week) I went in to see the nurse who as I expected said I needed to see the doctor if I wanted to start the pill. We then spoke about the failed ivf & how I didn't know whether to go on the pill or not to draw a line under things & then I burst into tears AGAIN( third time in 8 days, I'm getting good at this) Cue some mad flapping of arms ( no idea why) & then panic that she'd write about my emotional distress in my notes & the adoption team would see. I then blurted out about the house, the flippant message from my friend, how I'm sick of taking folic acid 'just in case', how I'm worried about taking the pill but then failing with the adoption & then a load of stuff about work & how there is no staff as there are so many off sick & im having to spread myself so thin to cover all the work. I was expecting her to think the crying mess in front of her had lost the plot but she said 'you've had a really rubbish time, no wonder you feel like this'. & do you know what, her saying that made me feel so much better. Not that I want to wallow in self pity & a lot of people have had it harder than me but I've only had from other people 'life is full of ups & downs' 'life is a rollercoaster' 'every cloud has a silver lining' 'you'll get there in the end' 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' or examples friends want to give me about their lives which aren't really comparisons. It was nice for a change to have my stresses acknowledged out loud!


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## Perkins2

Today I tried to get hold of the sw, thankfully I didn't & just left a message. Thankfully because I was worried she wouldn't be impressed about the cock up with the house & thankfully, because I was worried I might cry at the social worker ( what with my track record) 

I turned up at work, not knowing how I was going to get through it, with the tonne of stuff I needed to do, with almost zero staff & from a sleepless night worrying that the sw would discontinue the process & then in six months time not be able to get back on due to the amount of adopters. To say looking in the mirror my face said it all was an understatement with the great big bags. 

God knows what happened as I flew through the work, attended a meeting that I'd completely forgotten about prior, & had not prepared for, & was leading, & I came up with tonnes of great ideas (if I do say so myself 😉). I actually finished work on a high!

Please let that be my last meltdown, it's been a whole week & im fed up of using the word 'meltdown 'in my diary. We were meant to be going on prep classes next week but they will have to be cancelled as we have to sign our registration of interest form first & we can't do that due to the timescale of the house.  We will go away instead & try & get some chill time together. OH has done so much overtime recently for the house!

I emailed the sw when I got home so we'll see what she says next week.


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## Perkins2

I'm just sat here killing time before the phone lines open for the housing sales team. I'm so mad I've just found the agreement we signed that reserves the house for us & it runs out 3 months before the house is completed. The builders have been off for two weeks over Christmas so I don't see how things could have changed so much since we signed the agreement. The sales person completely lead us on & she knew we were adopting! I just can't believe the lows some people will go to get commission! & why do companies make it so difficult to contact them to complain? I don't want to speak to another sales person I want to email someone in the complaints department but everything I google leads me back to contacting the sales team arghhh, five more minutes to go before I can rant in real life. 

Sorry this isn't purely adoption related but it's going to impact on the process.


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## Dawn86

Perkins, how frustrating.  Did you manage to get through and yell at someone?

Yay for work going well. Go you! 

And some time away will help a lot. It's such a cliche but it really helps make things feel a bit more bearable when it all feels like it's going a bit pear shaped. X


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## Perkins2

I got through to the company & not only do they have a new sales team they have new builders. Apparently the builders were knocking up the houses too quickly & there were tonnes of faults. The new site manager has put a hold on the builds until everything is sorted. 

I've had a bit of time to process this now & get over the dream house scenario. We are going to put our names down with a few estate agents to see what else is out there. 

The sw has taken us off the prep classes for next week & preliminary booked us on some in April. I told her I was worried April would come round and there would be far too many adopters for children. She informed me that was the case already & they had three or four adopters for every one child. She said that was unlikely to change by April. 

Anyway it looks like after going one step forward we are now several steps back again.


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## Perkins2

This wkend we signed up to some estate agents to see what other properties are out there so we don't get to Aprils prep classes & find ourselves in the same situation with no potential house move on the horizon. 

There are some houses that look okay but there is something holding me back from making the first step to look at them. I've thought about it & realised the things that are holding me back are the areas that we are looking at have great family homes, fantastic schools & are just in general great areas for bringing up children. Where we live now is very urban, close to bars, fantastic neighbours& fantastic for couples without children. 

The new house we have our name down for wasn't going to be ready straight away so I was comfortable with that & could only see the positives in moving. Now we are in a situation where we could potentially see something tomorrow & get the ball moving I feel a little freaked out. At the moment we are a couple, how do we commit to a family home in a family area when we don't even know if we will get approved to adopt....


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## Fertilityhawk

Hello Perkins

I totally get where you are coming from, we moved from our terrace in Sheffield more than 4 years ago, we also had great neighbours, close to bars & restaurants and whilst the house was small we loved it.  We sold and moved out of the area (nearer to my family) and managed to get a really big 4 bedroom house with massive garden, which would be perfect for all the kids we were going to have ha!!     We do love our house but it's a daily reminder that just the two of us and our dog rattle around in it lol

The thing is though, our life back in Sheffield has moved on, our friends are still our friends but they have families of their own now and we socialise in very different ways.  

I think the point is you have to move on positively, sort of build it and they will come mentality.  

Try to think of it like the move is a really positive thing and puts you in a great place to welcome your family.

Take care
x


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## itsonlybridge

Just had to say I love that little phrase fertilityhawk. Build it and they will come.. Have to admit I got a lump  in my throat reading it. 

Perkins It's so frustrating when plans get delayed and our dreams are put on hold yet again for yet another reason, I know the feeling all too well. But as unsure as things feel right now, just remember that in the grand scheme of it all, you are exactly where you need to be. Just keep your goal in sight and you will naturally make the right decisions that lead the way to it, even if it feel likes step by painful bloody step at times


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## Perkins2

Thank you fertilityhawk & bridget. Yes build it and they will come! That is a great phrase. I just need to shake myself up & get out of the comfort zone that I am in at the mo. Thanks for the positivity xx


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## Perkins2

I'm having a terrible time with a friend at the moment.  She'd be completely horrified at reading this as we've been friends for twenty years & I'd imagine she sees herself as very supportive. She generally has been supportive over the time I've known her but at the moment I'm not finding her supportive at all & just quick to dismiss my adoption worries. Not only does she dismiss them she then starts telling me about her anxieties about her children. I almost feel like at times she's trying to trump me with who's having a crappier time. The last thing I want is to turn it into a competition but I'd switch my situation with hers in a heartbeat. 

Her latest worries are :
1) returning to a great job (two days in the office one day at home) from her second maternity leave. How much would I love to be returning from maternity leave & how much would I love to have a reason to not work five long days a week. 
2)getting her three yr old in the school of her choice.  It's okay for my children apparently as they have been in the 'care system' so can go to any school of my choice. Completely forgetting the fact I've got to jump through a million hoops to get the children in the first place & also forgetting the fact they may have developmental problems & I may end up limited to whatever school can offer the best support. 
3) Moving house. Apparently it's not a problem for me to move after I've adopted. For her to move with two children would be terribly anxiety provoking tho, the proof being that her son is a bit confused about her mums recent move. But it doesn't stop there as apparently the move (which would only be a few miles away) would cause anxiety to her brother & her mum. Now I don't swear but wtf!!! Her brother lives happily with his girlfriend & no he doesn't have any learning disabilities or Aspergers etc. Why tf is he going to be anxious about her moving!!! I've moved hundreds of miles away from my family, maybe I should be paying for them all to have therapy!!! 
The thing is she's so articulate at the time I pretty much sympathise with her & feel bad with my pathetic worries.

The other thing she does is turn the conversation towards children when we are in a group of friends which completely isolates me. She's had ivf so you'd think she'd know better. I tried talking to her about all the children talk & at the time I thought she understood, but afterwards I realised she thought I was referring to other friends as opposed to herself. 

I actually lied at the wkend to avoid spending time with her but she turned up at my house with flowers yesterday & I felt like a really bad person. She can be so lovely but then can make me feel so bad. I don't know whether she's changed or I've changed & it is in actual fact my envy that won't allow me to sympathise with her situation. Whatever it is, it's really ruining our friendship..


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## Tictoc

Her worries are real worries to her. I know that with adopted children our worries may well be different but until you're in that situation it's hard to understand. Many people still see adoption as the little babies who their birth families just couldn't look after because they weren't in the right situation - really how much did you understand about modern adoption before you started your journey? She probably thinks you are over thinking the situation because she doesn't know any better. Try to be patient with her - my family don't really understand adoption fully even now but it doesn't mean they love me or my kids any less.


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## itsonlybridge

I'm beginning to have the same issue with my best friend too and it is frustrating. She is the one person I want to talk to about my worries and fears but she is making me feel that I am over thinking and looking too far ahead! With adoption, you have no choice but to look ahead, thats the whole point of the prep work, to gain skills and knowledge and to think about the types of children and issues we may face and how we will deal with it. She keeps referring back to how I shouldn't worry, if they play up, just 'tell them off' enough times and it becomes routine! Ok then!  

On the other hand I have another wonderful friend who I haven't known half as long and she is soooo supportive! She asks me questions about the process that I have asked myself and I can see she is really interested and genuinely wants to support us.. This is whilst working as a full time retail manager (so not many weekends free) in a new job she has just taken on, bringing up a toddler (who is a bit poorly at the moment) and trying to redecorate so I am mindful not to offload on her. She is an amazing friend though and I am so grateful to her.

I will never fall out with my best friend, but I am distancing myself a little and refrain from discussing too much with her unless she asks. We need all the support we can, and if people don't want to understand then you can't make them, as frustrating as it feels.

Try not to dwell on your friend and maybe make the choice not to confide certain things to her. That way you'll feel like you've taken back some control over the situation.. Like my friend, they probably don't know what to say or think about it all because they don't know anything about the adoption process .. And don't forget that we are always here to talk to


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## Perkins2

You must have bags more patience than me tictoc. Mine is very thin from all this waiting. I may not have understood about adoption before going through it but I'd have listened to the person who was & wouldn't have dismissed their worries like I was the expert on it.  Your right, her worries are very real to her & I do sit there sympathising with her whilst at the same time feeling completely stung that what I've just said about my situation has barely been acknowledged & its so hard not to come away feeling bitter that you're not in a position to be experiencing the things that she is worrying about. Sorry about ranting, this his been bubbling along in me for the last six months! 

Like you Brigid I do also have a friend that I've not known as long who is amazing. I was trying to think about what makes the relationship so different & it's not that I go round hers sharing all my woes it's that it's an equal relationship of sharing where we acknowledge each other's troubles & boost each other up. She also thinks of positive ways to help me out like getting to know my OH so she can write our references & leaving me in charge of her children so I can build up my childcare CV. You're right I think I shouldn't confide so much in the other friend, I think she'd turned into someone I felt I should confide in rather than wanted to. Confiding is such a raw thing it's hurtful when what you say is dismissed. 

Thank you both for acknowledging both sides. It's good to come on here to rant.


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## Tictoc

It's easier to have patience now I am through the other side. Trust me my patience wasn't so great when I was where you are - it's a tough process to go through but all worth it in the end.


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## smithc

Hi 

My Advice is be careful with these people  we could wright you a book on are experiences and save your emails

Good Luck


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