# Has anyone managed to read The Primal Wound?



## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, 
I was just wondering if anyone has read 'The Primal Wound'. We were recommended to read it on our preparation group. However, when I go to read it I have to put it down as it just seems to emphasise how the adopted child will never be happy and the adopted Mother will never truly bond with the child. It really frightens me that I will not be able to make my potential adopted child's life happy and that they will always have a sadness. I am over sensitive at the moment. My two sisters have announced they are pregnant both their first child and I am so scared that I am not going to be able to bond with my child the way that they will. Sorry, I am aware I am being a little irrational here. Let me know if you have any thoughts on this.
Thank you xxx


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

it is a HARD read but keep at it..its depressing in places and makes you feel like your child will never ever get over being separated from their Birth Mother..this may be true at a very deep and complex level but it doesnt mean they wont manage a relationship with you or have a happy and meaningful life..just that there may be some issues that they may struggle with..my DD for instance despite being a very well adjusted 5 yr old (adopted at 19 months, textbook transition from FC to us) still likes to be near me alot, if i pop in the house from the garden, she follows, sometimes she shadows me room to room, other days she is more settled.. she clearly has an issue with separation but it doesnt have a negative effect on her whole life day to day (i can leave at friends /grandmas etc)..its just there running under the surface..and i do lots of things to try and help her cope with times when she is feeling anxious. this may manifest itself later on as something else but you know most of the population have some sort of disorder at some level and manage to have a normal life  
i think its a good book..it IS good to understand that actually the bottom line is that being separated from your birth mother is a traumatic experience and as adopters we cant make *everything* better with a magic wand..we can just do the very best mothering job we can..which in most cases is absolutely enough and absolutely better than the difficult life they might have had otherwise.
if nothing else read it so that you can truthfully say you have read it and be able to reflect on it with your sw 

 for your 2 sisters announcements..that must be hard..you can always wait till you are feeling a bit stronger to read the book

kj x


----------



## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, 
Thank you so much for your reply. That is very motivating and has put it all back into perspective for me. Thank you also for the examples you gave with your DD  You are correct most of the population do have a disorder of some kind. Our role is to be the best mother that we can, which is what I want to do. 
xx


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
I read it a while ago and agree with kj, keep at it and just remember YOU can and WILL make a difference to a child's life, you will be giving them a 2nd chance at having a family that they can grow up secure and loved in.  It may not completely heal the past but that doesn't mean you can't all be happy and have a good relationship.
OT x


----------



## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, 
Thank you for the encouragement. I will continue with the book. These words have renewed my confidence  
xx


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

I have read it. If you do read it, I would suggest also reading 'Coming Home to Self' which is the sequel. Equally hard read BUT it goes some way to explain what you can do to heal the 'primal wound' and is the 'solution' part to the first book. To be honest whilst I struggled with both I am glad I read them because I feel it has helped prepare me for what might come. best wishes, xx


----------



## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I have to say that I have not read it but as someone who works professionally in the area of child development, the whole idea behind it has great gaping holes in it.

As you'll know from learning about attachment on your prep courses, attachment takes place over a long period of time - several months - after babies are born. It can of course fail to take place if there is something wrong and of course there are many other things that can lead to problems later including abuse, neglect etc.

But simply losing a parent at birth does not _in itself _cause trauma. And that's the whole essence of her idea.

If that was true, then in the past all children whose mothers died in childbirth and who were raised by loving relatives experienced at parenting would have been severely traumatised.

It is of course a very difficult thing to grow up with - losing a parent at an early age. But it's the idea of losing them, that children come to realise as they are older, that is difficult. It would be similar if a child found out that a sibling had died before they could remember them, but they found out later.

There's also no evidence that children remember anything from the age she's talking about.

Most professionals agree with me - her ideas aren't accepted at all in clinical psychology or child development circles. I've just looked up the concept on Google Scholar, which lists books, articles etc. that are generally accepted to be "academic" and all the work on this topic is by the same author - her. So basically she has an idea and she talks about her own idea, and everyone else ignores her...

If you adopt a child who has been through abuse and neglect, and then was removed from their parents - yes it is hard to be removed from parents, but it is not this she is talking about - she is talking about removal at birth with no abuse, no neglect, and no uncertainty. And many children in the UK who were removed at birth then have months of to-ing and fro-ing and uncertainty with birth family and foster carers - again not what she's talking about.

So as well as being wrong, it's not very relevant to the UK situation.


----------



## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, 
Thank you for your post. I am feeling whilst reading that that it is so extreme and sad if this belief was true for all adopted children or children that have been brought up by close relatives. From this every situation is different, I am aware I need to keep an open mind whilst working though our home study at the moment. 
Thank you


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

The best book I found for HS is A Child's Journey through Placement by Vera Fahlberg and is a book you can dip in and out of at times after a child has been placed.

OT


----------

