# Gobsmacked!



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Went into town with DH yesterday to do some christmas shopping... whilst waiting to cross the road I see a young girl of 15 or 16 at the most running up to the opposite side of the road and screaming at her friend who happened to be stood beside me 'I've done the test' her friend says 'what happened' and she screams back 'its positive' oh hell I thinks, poor kid is only a kid herself... then her friend says to her 'so who is the dad' and she yells back 'I don't know, its either xxxx or xxxx, but it could be xxxx  because I had a one night stand' to which her friend replies 'oh, you can't get rid of it though'!

Talk about gobsmacked - I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

The young girl in question was looking very pleased with herself I have to say, because she had all the attention of her friends - but I could only think 'poor thing'

Of course it goes without saying that it hurt - and all the usual thoughts went round my head 'why have we never managed to acheive this when we've been in a loving relationship and could give a child everything etc etc'

Moan over for now - but still gobsmacked about this conversation being yelled all over a very busy street like it was just some sort of throw away gossip!

Love to all 
Emcee xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Emcee hun,

I'm sorry you had such a shi**y "bite you in the bum" moment .......

Situations like this sadly just re-iterate hown bl**dy unfair this world is.  Well, I only hope that young girl doesn't look quite "so pleased with herself" once the reality of motherhood sets in for her!  I doubt there'll be any more shouting to her friends in the street in months to come once she experiences sleepless nights, nappies, feeds and responsibility .... (i would hope anyway)

It's so difficult to resist the temptation to ask "why?" ...............

Sometimes, society just seems to get worse and worse doesn't it??

I hope this doesn't get you down much longer hun, not easy I know ....

Hope you enjoy a nice cosy night with your DH tonight, 
Lots of love
Gill xo


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Thanks Gill xxx

I'm ok about it to be honest, I think I was more shocked   at how it was yelled all over the street like it was some kind of fantastic gossip! I have a few friends who have DD's of the same age, not to mention DH's DD is the same age too, so it really made me gulp! I find it scary that someone so young who isn't even out of school themselves could be facing motherhood!  

As for the bite on the bum moment, its gone now, but at that precise moment in time when I was there - ouch! It hurt!  

We are having a nice cosy evening of it, its very windy outside so we are snuggled in tight here! Hope you and yours are all snuggled in from the cold outside too!  

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Emcee
I am Gobsmacked!! You always believe that nothing else in life can shock?And then you are faced with having to listen to this type of conversation or shouting in the street for all and sundry to listen. I am sure you were thinking the same as all the people surrounding you?
Infact their is no answer to this, but immaturity for the girl in question and her friends...and in the process a child will be born without any real thought behind the whole process!!
I feel exactly the same as you Emcee. We are in secure and healthy relationships and we have moved to depths that some couples do not ever reach...So where is the child in our loving and caring relationship? I cannot work it out and i wonder what life is all about?
I can understand your shock, but also the sadness that comes with it for our own lives!!
Lots of love astridxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Emcee, what an awful experience for you.
It never ceases to amaze me how sometimes something so important as conceiving a child is done with so little thought.
I see lots young women who come and see me, newly pregnant and just say "I want to get rid of it" at 6, 7 and 8 weeks pregnancy. To them it is nothing but we would all give our soul for a pregnancy.
I always think that when girls and boys are about 10 they should have plugs put in their tubes and then before you want to get pregnant/father a child you should have to pass a very strict test !! - then of course you would have no problems getting pregnant and there would be no needs for fertility treatment! ( ahh fantasies are nice sometimes).
The thing with young women like the one in the street is that if they keep risking their fertility with STI's and suchlike they will have difficulty getting pregnant when they're all grown up and sensible.
Gosh I feel like an old fogey ranting like this. Maybe I am an old fogey!!
The other thing as that her own Mum may have conceived her at 15 and so that maybe all that she wants/expects out of life. Also underneath her bravado with her friends she may have been frightened as anything. She may also have had sex when she was drunk when issues of consent can be be very fudgy.
It is heartbreaking though to be faced with this when every fibre of your being longs for a pregnancy. 
take care of yourself
lots of love 
Emma The Old Fogey


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hello Emcee,

I have looked and looked again at this thread and wondered how to contribute. I want to say something, but it is all so complex for me.

You clearly feel compassion for this child-mother-to-be when you say "poor thing." Good for you to have such care and insight while you are feeling so hurt as probably all of us here do at the thought of the children born into such a situation. I don't want to embarrass you, but I have said before that you are an amazing woman. I really respect you for this.

Goodness, the number of times I have felt devastated when I have come across this type of thing - people falling so easily pregnant without apparent thought or care, people neglecting or abusing their children. It does seem so unfair both to the children and to those of us who know we could offer a child so much.

I'm sure we must all wonder at what sort of parenting this child has had to find herself in this position and to so desperately need the attention of her silly friends (and the rest of the street!) Who knows, but maybe her behaviour is some kind of bravado? Maybe she is really scared? Maybe her sleeping around is some crazy search for affection?

*Some positive things*

I don't know if this is of any comfort to people on this thread, but I do know through my work that *sometimes * there can be a good outcome in these situations. For example, one of the projects supported through the charity where I currently work is for pregnant teenagers and teenage mums (and the dads too when they are willing.) Lots of the girls are really scared and come for parenting classes. Some of them admit they wanted a baby cos they wanted somebody to love them but have realised it is not so easy and they will have to give grown up love and make sacrifices. The ones that see this can become good mothers. Some of them have gone on to do voluntary work going into schools and youthclubs to tell other young people that having a baby before you have made a good life of your own is not such a good idea, and then it is really hard to make a good life for your baby. The boys too can learn to be responsible and some of them volunteer to talk to other boys about better ways to have relationships with girls than to have unprotected, uncaring sex.

In this work and in previous jobs I have seen young mothers and fathers who did really badly at school decide to tackle literacy problems because they want to read stories to their own children and then go on to train for a job so they can give their children a better life. Sometimes I have been left with tears in my eyes to see how these young people (many of whom have had so little support from their own families) have responded so strongly to the challenges of parenthood.

*A difficult experience long ago that left me with a good memory*

Many years ago in my late 20s I was working with a really tough group of teenage girls. About the time I first got pregnant (naturally) one of them came to me for 1:1 support because she was pregnant (aged 14 or 15.) She had already fallen out with the boyfriend before she realised she was pregnant. This girl did not know what she wanted to do. During our counselling session she decided it would be best to talk to her mum but was worried about privacy as there was such a big household. Poor thing, she was in such a state she could not think of a way round it till I suggested she asked her mum to meet somewhere other than at home after mum's work. Her mum was really supportive, and her dad did not go crazy as she dreaded. They promised to support her whatever her decision and in the end she decided on an abortion.

The week after her abortion I was "off sick" with my first miscarriage. The staff knew why I was away but the girls did not know I was pregnant. What I did not expect was that the junior member of staff who covered for me with the girls' group told them why I was off! When I returned and found out I was very angry with my colleague because she had been unprofessional and I did not want to deal with immature sympathy from the girls. They were actually very sweet with me (so easy for a change!) and did not say too much as they probably did not know what to say.

Toward the end of my time with the group that same girl asked to see me in confidence again, she was rather embarrassed and said she had regrets she needed to discuss. ("Oh my god" I thought, "how will I deal with this?") What she told me was that she was so sorry that I had lost my baby and she realised that it must have been hard for me to know she had had an abortion at about the same time. She said that she hoped that one day she would be able to be as good a mum as she knew I would be and she hoped I understood she was not mature enough to do that yet. She then squeezed my hand and said "I do hope you have a baby soon." I have never seen her since but I do hope she became the good mother she wanted to be. She will be in her 30s now!

*A new challenge for me*

My current job (20+ years on) is managerial and the teaching I do is for professional staff. However one of my managerial colleagues who manages our contract with Probation has asked me to take on some additional work teaching literacy on a 1:1 basis with 2 Probation clients who have been identified as particularly challenging. She feels they need a mature and experienced tutor. (She and the most experienced members of her team have no spare capacity to take it on.) The chief exec has said he is happy for me to do this and I should be paid overtime at my managerial rate rather than at the normal tutor rate as it is my experience that is required, not just the basic tutoring skills. So next Monday evening I start.

One of the 2 clients is a 19 year old girl who has had 2 children taken into care (I don't get to know why unless she tells me, and that will be her take on it. I can't now remember the crime that lead to her Probation order except that it was unrelated to the family issue.) What I do know is that she has a big issue with authority figures as she is so angry about having had her children taken away. This is clearly *not* a situation where a teenage mum has turned out able to cope OK. I have been told she needs a mother figure who will be understanding but very firm.

*Am I crazy to take this on? * I don't have to do it! (Well I do now as I am committed, but I could have said I did not want the overtime!)

I am not there to help her with either her rehabilitation as an offender (Probation Officer's job) or her motherhood. (Nobody has a statutory responsibility to help her with this. Social Services will now "look after" her children.) I am just required to help her learn. In theory her agreeing to tackle her literacy problem is voluntary - she does not have to do it as part of her Probation Order. However it could be part of her trying to manipulate things in her favour. (I don't know if she is manipulative, but that is common in these situations.) As a literacy tutor I expect to encourage people read and write about what interests them (that is a way to motivate adults to learn.) She may well want to write about her personal views and experiences. (Common and likely.) Whatever my official role, helping an "adult" to learn basic skills means connecting with them as a whole person.

I hope I am far enough in my journey to deal with this professionally. I think I can draw inspiration from our FF, Emma, who is a GP in NZ, and has had to deal so often with patients who have babies when she would so love her own children.

*Some muddled thoughts*

*Oh dear Emcee, I have gone on and on haven't I? I wanted to connect with your compassion for a silly, lost pregnant girl and to hold out some hope that she might make good, but have ended up worrying that I will be unable to cope with helping someone who may have been a bad mother to learn to read and write!*

I am thinking of deleting all this, but a part of me says no - I *can * share hope that the silly girls will be OK with their babies and that we "moving on women" share your compassion, Emcee, to wish well to them.

I now think a very hard part of moving on is to learn to stop reacting as an IF person and to act with simple compassion. We are all getting there. There is so much compassion between us. IF experience may be the particular source from which we draw compassion for others.

I will hit "post" before I change my mind!

Love to all the FF on this thread. So glad I found you all!

Jq


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies, thank you for all your messages, especially yours JQ.

Before I go on, I want to say that I used to work with families in difficult circumstances many years ago, where they were at the 'last chance hotel' of either keeping their kids, or had just got them back from being in care and were being carefully monitored - so when it comes to situations with youngsters like this, tragically for those kids, I have seen a lot of similar heartwrenching stuff before.

I have known youngsters get pregnant for the same reasons as what you have mentioned JQ, because their home life is deeply unsatisfactory - and I don't just mean they don't get on with their parents, there is usually a lot more to it than that - and have seen these same youngsters more often than not fall by the wayside because they cannot cope with their offspring which means the same family cycle they have been in repeats itself over and over again - its very sad.

I know a youngster of 17 who already has a 3 year old, I knew the family years ago and predicted what the outcome would be because of the way that particular families' dynamics worked... I'm sure in the profession you were in and are in now, you can see these patterns repeating themselves over and over again... so I wonder what the agenda of the person you will be tutoring actually is, I was nodding my head in agreement with you when you were saying she may be doing what she is because she thinks it might look good for her... it wouldn't be of any surprise to me either!

A very wise lady I used to work with once told me that education was the key to helping people like the lady you are going to be dealing with; that education can pave the way for people to make a better life for themselves. I think many people in society can take education for granted - and that often schools let kids down too, when they come from disadvantaged backgrounds. Learning at school is not going to be any kids priority if there is horrible stuff going on in their own lives - and often schools are not equipped to deal with this. But I'm going off on a tangent here so I'll stop! 

I have often believed there is no such thing as coincidence - maybe I was meant to hear what that youngster was yelling all over the street - and yes I did think that it was bravado coming from her - the poor lass, I imagined her going home and not being able to confide in her parents etc... maybe it was some sort of a lesson the universe was trying to show me? But it still stung - even if it was only at that particular point in time, it hurt and I think I was taken aback by how much it winded me!

Speaking of the universe, I have no idea why it works in such mysterious ways - or why when I think I am healed and am able to move on from all of this stuff it sends me something to ponder upon once again! 

Love to all
Emcee xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi everyone, 

Emcee, you are so right about family patterns and dynamics.

Just to complete my ranting news and let you know that the girl on Probation is not going to have lessons with me, her Probation Officer has decided to withdraw the referral. I don't know why except a hint that she has been very difficult recently. So that's that, just the arsonist to teach! (If she really wants to learn she can take herself off to a college class independently of Probation and nobody at the college will know anything about her.)

Love to you all,

Jq


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