# A small step



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Well, you may remember me telling you about a couple we know where the man is a very old friend of dh (and me) and he's met a woman for about a year who is same age as me and got pg in the blink of an eye. Well the guy stopped by our place the other day for a cup of tea and it was good to meet with him. I think he understands about my feelings (though I've never actually said anything to him) as he phoned first, told me he was on his own and then asked if he could drop by. He has been meeting up with dh regularly but not me. So I guess I've made a step in the right direction. To be honest if his partner had been with him, I would have made an excuse and either gone out or said they couldn't come over. But like I said I think he knew this and was quite tactful. I know that in the end I'm going to have to meet up with both of them - but I've decided that I don't want to see her while she's preggers - that is the thing that would hurt me most cos I want it so bad (even now). When the baby arrives I will bite the bullet and go see them. I have to cos life goes on, doesn't it?
Bernie xxx
P.S. I wish I could rid myself of the jealousy I feel towards this woman, but I can't right now. I'm hoping it will subside with time.


----------



## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Well done Bernie 

Your dh's friend sounds sensitive to your feelings, you have taken a brave step.  Give yourself time to face his partner, this journey involves a huge amount of self preservation, if you feel that you are not ready in time to meet with them both then that's okay.  I dont know if you remember me posting a while back about a former close friend who became pg very easily, due to her insensitivities during her pg we went our separate ways, both dh and I were friends for years with her and her dh, had gone on holidays with them, they were witnesses at our wedding. I have not had any contact with her or her dh for over a year. My dh has had brief periods of contact with him however has not seen her. To cut a long story short the ex friend's dh recently turned up at a joint friends night out, he approached me and we had a heart to heart about everything, he acknowledged that things have not been easy for dh and I, was sensitive to our situation and didnt mention much about his wife or their baby (thank god!).  Both dh and I are planning on meeting up with him and his brother this weekend and are going to see a band.  This is a step forwards for me too; however I dont think I will be ever be able to face his wife, the ex friend, as I still feel quite emotionally raw towards her/envious of her lucky situation.  I know the feeling about trying to rid yourself of jealousy, it really can eat you up' like you say, hopefully through time it will subside 

Meerkatz x


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks for your reply Meerkatz - it helps to know I'm not alone in coping with this difficult situation. I will take my time and meet the woman (and baby) when and if I'm ready. I guess the jealousy will only leave me when I have built up a life in which I'm truly content without children. Still working on that one!
Bernie xxx


----------



## albi (Dec 24, 2005)

Hi Bernie

Sorry this is such a quick reply, but I have to go out!

But just wantred to say don't be so hard on yourself, for not being able to see your friend. It is hard to handle and sometimes you just need to protect yourself. I have had too! 

Take care

Love Alison x x x


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

HI Bernie,

I think this is really good news! You seem to have a sensitive friend who can put your feelings first and you are also able to see a way forward to dealing with continuing with the friendship, you know where your boundaries are, pregnancy is too hared to deal with, but maybe you will be able to see them as a couple afterwards.

If it helps, this may be a bit semantic, but I prefer the word "envy" to "jealousy."  To me, jealousy is rather a bad thing to feel as it is personal and suggests that the person we are jealous of may have done us a wrong. Whereas envy is more about wishing we had what others have got, without really feeling badly towards them as an individual. Somehow it feels a bit better about myself to be envyous rather than jealous! Hope this makes sense!

Love,

Jq xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks Alison for the reminder - I am prone to be very hard on myself. I have decided not to see them until the baby is born - but I have to face it then because life goes on and I want to be able to continue the friendship of the guy who has known my DH for years (and is actually a really solid, lovely person). But on the other hand I do need to protect myself - so I'll play it by ear.

Jq - you are very right when you separate jealousy and envy (and semantics are definitely not lost on me - a writer!) The thing is that I do feel badly towards them (!) And it is a horrible, horrible feeling. Jealousy IS the right word - nasty green-eyed monster. Trouble is I am envious too. A barrel of laughs (!)  But in my defence, on the whole I'm not a nasty person - which is why these feelings are so difficult for me. And I think that is part of the problem. Hmmm...... makes me think of shadow sides and Jungian psychology....
Bernie xxx


----------



## Griselda (Jan 24, 2006)

Yes.  Self preservation is the thing.  And jealousy?  If you recognise it in yourself then you are a nice person!  Nasty people don't recognise it in themselves.  They just hate someone and do rotten things.

I know it's a rotten old cliche and probably won't help at all and you'll all want to shout me down in a barrage!    But although someone may seemingly have the thing that you most want, they may not have the things that they most want and that you may have.  If that makes sense?  Does it help to sometimes count our blessings too?

My mum has just told me a story about her friend's son and daughter in law.  Apparently they went through everything to have a child (IVF the lot).  Now she is pregnant for a second time naturally but they are splitting up and she's considering a termination!  For goodness sake?!  

Y'know what?  Life is mad.  

Stick in there everyone.  

And for what its worth it's pregnant relatives that get to me.  I have two younger female cousins who have both been married for much less time than me.  Both pregnant in a blink of an eye.  One pregnant for a second time already.  I can't bear it.  I don't want to have family anymore.  I can't get away from them.  If I 'have' to go to a family party, I end up monopolising the baby and then running into a corner and sobbing uncontrolably when I'm advised that 'we have to go home now' by my DH which is all very very embarrassing and something I'd much rather not put myself through actually.

Although, strangely, pregnant friends tend not to bother me too much.  As they are generally kind and understanding and I am very pleased for them cos they're my lovely chums.

Anyway, sorry to ramble, and hijack this thread.  Bernie I feel for you.


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Bernie,

OK, so you are jealous! But as Griselda says, if you can recognise it, you are a good person - especially as you are  gathering the strength to fight this particular demon. I feel sure that as time passes you will find that it becomes a little imp and eventually disappears in a puff of smoke!

Maybe I am being too soft on myself to prefer the word envy? (I have felt jealousy too!) But maybe you are being a bit hard on yourself?!!!  I have thought about what you have said and feel the jealousy we feel in this context is more about self protection while dealing with grief than a reflection on our real selves? You have certainly had a lot of grief to deal with, whenever I read your posts I am so aware of your loosing Grace and how brave and strong you have been, and how caring to come here and offer so much to us all. So I embrace you and that includes your own angel and your inner green eyed monster!

Lots of love to you,

Jq xxx


----------



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Griselda - you are right I should count my blessings. And on the whole I do - but it's just this particular situation where I've got my knickers in a twist!

Jq - What a touching reply    I like the image of it shrinking to an imp and then 'poof' gone! You are right - the jealousy we feel is all about grief really. And it reminds me of something my counsellor told me. She said that during grief we sometimes use other emotions to mask emotions that are difficult to deal with. Could it be we are using jealousy to mask the utter sadness of our loss? How perceptive of you to pick up on my feelings about Grace - losing her was indeed a big deal. It was horrific in fact. Only yesterday I was sitting there reading all my poems about baby loss (yeah - I know how to have a good time) and was in floods of tears.
Thank you dear friend for you continued support - and for seeing the real me behind the mask of grief.
Bernie xxx


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Bernie,

Thanks for your reply - glad you could relate to my bit of impish imagery! Must be the writer in you!

Yes, I do think that jealousy can be a way we try and deal with grief. Maybe it is easier to feel this way towards other people than to deal with our own situation? But you are also dealing with your own situation head on, and writing and reading your poems about loosing a baby is part of this. I am sure that the fact that you are looking at your unwelcome and uncharacteristic feelings at the same time as dealing with your grief will get you through this.

Thanks for sharing what you are going through. Thank you too for all the support you give here (especially to my last new post!!!)

Jq xxx


----------

