# Agonizing over Quick DE (Spain) vs. Donor Info for Child (UK)



## Callioperac (Apr 30, 2012)

Hi, All -

Must admit that I've never really talked during my 2.5 year infertility struggle so I'm choking a bit on the "words" but...  I'm coping with secondary infertility (love of my life 3 year old son followed by 3 IUI and 7 IVF cycles - gah) and we're not looking at DE.  At 44 years old, the idea of going to Spain and having treatment almost immediately is so appealing - but...  how can I look that child in the eye when s/he's asking me about the donor and say, 'sorry - couldn't wait to find someone I could tell you about!'  Is anyone else struggling with this?  The shorter wait times in the UK come with their own price (sharing DEs, less of a match, etc.)  I'm exhausted.  I just want to do the right thing but I also want so much to stop this agonizing journey.  

Sorry - didn't let myself realize how down I am today until I started to write this.    

- Beth


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Hi Beth 
Just want to say follow heart if it was me I would go soon if yr ready and go to Spain better results you don't want a uk egg sharer lower success odds.

We chose Spain for reasons that we will tell child of history but we will be parents.  Had 2 cycles and I know in my heart it felt right with anon donor but that was us.

Good luck either way follow your heart X


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Callioperac
Making these decisions is fantastically hard. Check with National Gamete Donation Trust www.ngdt.co.uk re shortest waiting lists in the UK - sometimes with altruistic donors - and remember that egg sharers are only those women whose egg quality is not compromised by their need for IVF. But if need to get on with this quickly overcomes you, check out Hospital Quiron in Barcelona which gives as much information about a donor as you would get in the UK. No possibility of contact in the future or knowledge of half-siblings but much more info than any other Spanish clinic offers.
Olivia

This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that 
fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi Beth,

We were lucky in that cost was not a factor, but when we were told we needed DE the one thing I was clear on was the need for donor identification. If that meant that it would take a little longer then we felt that that was best for our child. I know for many this is the polar opposite of their feelings, but for us it was vital. As it worked out our wait in the UK was only 4 months, so after we had faffed sorting out an overseas clinic it actually wouldn't have been quicker. I always knew it was the right thing for us, but this was further confirmed when I got the information from the HFEA and found that our daughter has 2 siblings from our donor and a further 5 thanks to her donations. I am very open about having used DE and can honestly say that I have never had a negative reaction and not one moments regret for a 'genetic child'. Hannah is totally our daughter and loved by all as such - she is not different, just special because it took 3 people to bring her into the world. If this is what you feel is best, then you will be able to take the extra few months of waiting. And though I shared our donor's eggs with another recipient she was an altruistic donor - how fantastic is she! Not all egg-sharing means diminished chances of success.

Follow your heart and you will find a way through!

This weekend I am meeting with a group of 40+ Mums, many from DE, and the oldest had twins a few months after her 50th birthday so please don't think that time is the main factor.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Caroline


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi all,

Just reading the thread and this is exactly how I feel. Sounds ridiculous as we have already been to Spain for treatment but I constantly question whether anon is what I feel to be right for the child. I have premature ovarian 
Failure and, whilst this is devastating, my responsibility is to do what is right for whatever child I bring into the world. I have no problem in using donor eggs, I am just incredibly grateful for this opportunity. I am in the 2ww of an NHS DE cycle and definitely more comfortable with the idea of the donor being Id release. When in Spain for treatment one of the nurses at the clinic said that she did not believe that DE conceived children should be told about their conception if the donor cannot be traced, which I personally find uncomfortable.

It's a difficult one and really personal. What hasn't helped our situation is the number of cycles we have had! I think that just creates more of a panic response.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide!


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

So refreshing to read all post and one strong theme that runs through all is the heart wrenching decisions you have to make to get a such longed for child.  Caroline your so right in your post follow your heart don't give up keep strong and believing.

I have just found out my little sister is pregnant life is cruel so just trying to get my head round watching her grow whilst we go again for treatment so tough times ahead for all.

Good luck Tammy X


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi Tammy,

I have seen your posts on this forum before. You seem to be in a very similar position to me. I was diagnosed with POF aged 34, or rather fluctuating ovarian function, as I still have a natural cycle but have high FSH and low AMH. 

How's it going? Are you planning more treatment?

Good luck x


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Hi there

Thanks for yr post it's very reassuring to see such especially as its so emotive.  Yes hoping to go again in July August time but just had a blow that little sister is pregnant which has rocked our world as you can so appreciate.  Had 2 cycles in Spain fab clinIc such a positive experience 1st chemical pregnancy then 2nd neg cycle.  Trying new donor this time saved the pennies just and think will be last go but see how that goes and may look at adoption but when and how do u say stop don't know the answer.  

What is your position were you up to just now would be nice to keep chatting the support helps.

Regards Tammy


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## Surfergirl (Apr 30, 2010)

Hi,

That must be really hard for you. I hope that you are ok. It's hard enough dealing with all the emotions that come with this at the best of times. 

We have just had our DE NHS cycle and am in the middle of the 2ww for that. Only had one embryo to transfer unfortunately but we shall see! Have had 3 x fresh cycles and 1 x frozen at IM Barcelona but two negatives and two chemical pregnancies. It is not the successful treatment that I thought it would be. Not sure what we will do next. We have also discussed adoption and I have been to an information session. 

Take care x


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Hi Beth - are you fixed on Spain as the country where you want to have tx? The reason for asking is that I had tx in South Africa where you get lots of info on your donor, baby photos, medical history and some donors are willing to exchange emails with their recipients (where the egg donor agency removes identifying information so they remain anonymous, which they are by South African law). 
I used the Nurture agency in South Africa and you can request to access their donor list at no charge - there is no wait list at all, you can start the process as soon as you find a donor that you like. Cost-wise it's similar to Spain. 
Good luck!
Rose xx


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## Callioperac (Apr 30, 2012)

Hi, Everyone -

Thanks so much for the support and advice - I really appreciate it.  Sometimes it's just the 'not feeling alone' that helps.  

Tammy - my heart goes out to you.  It's never easy when a loved one gets pregnant.  I had the same situation with my sister-in-law and while I was delighted for them, I had to really work at not being bitter and angry which only made me feel worse because I couldn't be there for her 100%. 

Rose - thanks very much for the information on S. Africa - that's very interesting and I'll look into it.  One of the things that frustrates us the most about this process is that the health care profs don't seem to want to give patients the big picture.  Instead of saying, look here's what is out there even if I don't agree with it...  they just say nothing.  I find I'm only learning about options by stumbling across them.  

Again, thanks to you all.  I'll keep investigating and working to keep my energy levels up for the 'long haul.'  Good luck to everyone.

Kind regards, 
Beth


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Hi Beth 

Thanks for your kind words your exactly right it's hard to support people when they are pregnant especially as its happened through a burst condom which she tells me I so love my sister but it's going to be 9 months of hell trying to find the strength.

Your right the professionals give limited advise guidance on things like this I found that this site helped me with that speaking with people that had experienced whàt you are going through as is do unique emotive and sensitive to us.  I would enquire SOuth Africa we looked at this also ahead of us going to Gibraltar but we did have a positive experience and for us limited donor knowldge helped us get through it, this isn't right for all accept that.

Good luck be strong Tammy X


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I just want to say that i think this thread is very very interesting.  I really really respect the person who stops to think about the moral implications of what they are doing when they want something so badly, i think its something that can be easily over looked.


I don't know what i would do if i was in your situation, but what every you do good luck and i hope it all works out well.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Tamsutbadger

Sorry forgot to say, sorry that your having a tough time with your sister getting pg. You will cope with it i promise, i have become an aunty 6 times since we started trying for our own, it still hurts every time i find out another ones pg, but you do cope, i think you become desensitised to it, i try to remind myself that it makes no difference to my own journey.  

O and just to add insult to the wound, my dh learn that he has a sister 6 months older than him, he only found out when he was 29!!  , anyhow yes you guessed it, she has 4 children!!


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## Tamsutbadger (Nov 1, 2009)

Wow thanks do much for that it really helps to hear other peoples experiences 6 times wow that must have been so painful knowing how hard it is for. U and us really trying to become mummies.

Got to say sure I will cope just need to adjust I adore my little sister and want to enjoy being an auntie just gonba have to find a way to mask my pain sure I will just going to make treatment egg donor Ivf that bit harder as also it's our last go so all difficult good luck in all your journeys stay strong follow your heart and thank you  Xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

We r pretty much on our last go to, we have been really lucky to get funding for this cycle so there is a posibility on one more go. 

Yes it has been hard, I dot have sisters just brothers, so maybe that's a little easier. I try nt to expect too much from myself, I think the hardest thing is finding a natural level that your happy with.  Remember that u don't have to be ott about it. X


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## Callioperac (Apr 30, 2012)

Hi, Esperanza -

Thanks so much for your kind words.  It is completely unfair that money and time have to play such a big part of this "natural" decision to have kids and that we have to wear a smile for others' fertility.  At least here we can be honest!  

We've found yet another doctor and will be trying one more IVF (this time with DHEA, coenzyme Q10 and Vit D3) but will go on waiting lists in the meantime.  If the waiting lists haven't panned out by the time we're through with this IVF cycle, I think I have to just move on as quickly as I can (as you say, it's a horrid journey).  The more exhausted I make myself with the stress and worrying, the less likely any of this will work.  It hink you're absolutely right that we have to make a decision and not look back - just deal with.    

I really appreciate all the wonderful input you've all given and truly wish you lots of luck, happiness and peace of mind.  

Kind regards, 
Beth


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hi Beth,
we are in a similar position. My hubby is all for DE and just cracking on with it. He wants a child, and doesnt think it matters.... as in biological or not.
Me being the girl fast forward twenty years and have all these questions - what with all this trace your family trees, long lost families from adopted children.... I know one sided, but it makes me think ID or not.
I have had 2 failed ICSI cycles in spain, and on the last failed go, we had a donor embryo put back.... I thought about it, but only had 3 days to make the decision, we agnosied, and anyway it didnt stay.
We then had 2 ICSI cycles in the UK.
Its been a tough year with treatment and other stuff, and I now cant beleieve we are at the end of our journey. I still want a child. But I have all these thoughts like am I being selfish, just because we can do this should we? are we not meant to have a child etc.
My brothers all have children and DH sister has 2 children too... we are left behind and it kills everytime we see them.
I also worry about DH family (not being close and us never being good enough) - would they treat our child the same, concieved in this way.... so many questions and no answers.
Like you - ID release is good for the child, but not as much choice... should that matter?
How would they feel about siblings and not growing up with them.
DH says if we do our job right as parents, then our child would accpet this, I would hate them to resent us for wanting them so much.
I find myself cuddling firends babies, when I am feeling strong enough, and think would I love it, could I if it wasnt mine, and I know hand on heart I would... just all these niggling thoughts.... I ramble...
Its a huge decision, and it has to be the right one Beth, I think thats what I am getting at.... You will know when you are ready... and once you have taken the plunge I think you have to think no regrets.... you are making the choices at the time that are right for you x x x


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