# Feeling sorry for myself



## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hello all,

haven't been around much for the past week. Busy with live and I've also has an attack of the "poor Me's". I'm someone who tries hard to be positive and normally doesn't let myself feel sorry for myself so I don't like the current me at all!

I think it's because I've has some irregular bleeding and when I went to my GP she referred me back to the gynaecologist who overlooked my fertility treatment. I don't think the irregular bleeding is a big issue ( both me and the gynaecologist think I've got a polyp and I'm waiting for a scan currently) but just going back to see him - his rooms are just below the IVF unit and having to take my knickers off yet again for another gynaecologist and go for bloods etc has brought it all back to me! 

This afternoon I was meant to ring back for the blood test result and I just couldn't face ringing in - when I was doing IVF I was absolutely obsessive about ringing for blood results. The blood test was to check that my luteal phase progesterone had showed I'd ovulated and the part of me that always hoped for a miracle (ie a natural pregnancy) couldn't bear the thought that I may not have ovulated. 

The specialist also feels I think that it would not be unreasonable for me to try ivf again. My husband is not keen at all although he's said he would if I wanted to.( which is not what I want to hear at all - I want him to say that of course he'll do it). So it brings the whole thing up again. The chances of IVF working are so small and I don't want to be one of those desperate women clutching at straws ( need to face facts no. 1 - you are a desperate woman.)

Sorry I'm not sure that it's appropriate to voice these sorts of feelings here. But I wander does everyone else have such a hard time stopping treatment.

take care all
with lots love Emma


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Emma
Firstly i am so sorry that you are feeling so low...but do not be so hard on yourself you have every reason to feel so low. I know that it is a very emotional place to be, but do not fight it as it will only come back and hit you some time in the future. I can understand your pain and the dilemmas that you are facing at the moment..
I can understand why you cannot face having to deal with a gynaecologist, as it just brings back all those awful emotions. I think they are so deep routed, which often leaves a big black cloud lingering over us. Just take it one step at a time and ring through for results when you are ready to deal with it. 
OMG Emma, i can really relate to what you are saying about further IVF's..I am also in the same situation ( i know that i haven't discussed this with all on here). But i can also go for another one if i want to, but like you my hubby says that he will do it for me if thats what i want? Its good that he will do it for me, but deep in his heart he just wants to move on and i am aware of this. I also think whats the point of doing a further IVF, because we haven't made any tracks in all the previous treatments.I don't know about you Emma, but it hurts and there is such an empty space, but it doesn't help the dilemmas that we are still facing?
I really do understand and if you want to chat i am there for you, because i do not know my head from my backside either?
Thinking of you..
lots of love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Emma, I can totally relate with how hard it is to go for gynea treatment for something aside from IVF and have all the thoughts and feelings flooding back. It must have been so hard for you going to your appointment and knowing the clinic you attended for IVF was on the floor above - I'm not surprised this whole episode has made you have thoughts and feelings coming at you thick and fast!

I've got no answers for you hon - only you can make those desicions for yourself. But what I will say is do whats right for *you* sweetie. If you think there could be a chance you may feel ready to face the gauntlet of more treatment then go for it - life is too short to wonder about the what ifs. As I've said many times before there is no right or wrong in any of this - and if you think more treatment may be an option you're willing to go through again then thats grand! It doesn't make you a desperate woman wanting to explore IVF again hon, far from it! It makes you a very brave lady to consider it again, knowing what its like to go through, and understanding all the processes involved - that doesn't sound desperate to me!

Whatever you decide to do, know that we are here for you. Sending you massive hugs and thinking of you.

Lots of love
Emcee x


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## pipkin (Jan 14, 2005)

Hi Emma

I wish I knew the answer  

The dangling carrot of 'further treatment' is such a 'head doer'!! That glimmer of hope it gives .... it's really hard to give that up, it' like a drug.  For me it was really important to be in it 'together' and not feel I was pushing DH into it and him going along with it to make me happy.  I think you've just got to have a really honest chat with each other - it's not easy.

Thinking of you Emma.  Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.
Pipkin x


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Astrid, Emcee and Pipkin
thanks for your kind words and thoughts which have been very helpful to me.
I did ring for my progesterone result yesterday and I had ovulated.
It is a very hard decision. My husband and I will have to do more talking. I do think that IF affects women in a different way to men. For us there is the whole biological imperative. For me it's the grief not only of not being able to be a mum but also missing out on the whole pregnancy experience. I see so many pregnant women in my job and I constantly wander how it would feel to be pregnant, to watch your tummy expand, to feel the baby kicking etc etc - the torture goes on!
My period is due any day now and that is also a particularly hard time for women struggling with this.
Thanks again for your thoughts.
You all experience the same thing I know and you all have a lot within you that enables you to reach out from your pain and touch someone Else's.
Lots love 
Emma


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear emma
I can relate to everything that you are saying. The loss of not going through a pregnancy and the loss of not being a mum. You have certainly hit the real reason why all of us are struggling. As you say we are contantly reminded by our cycles and it just adds insult to injury. It really is hard and i can totally empathise with your words...
I hope that you can get some peace from talking to your hubby and find some answers. At the moment i feel so down about everything and it just doesn't seem to go away. I am actually thinking of going to see a counsellor. My course is suffering because of lack of enthusiam and this constant struggle to keep a stiff upper lip when there is always a phone calls 'i am pregnant'. Do you know Emma if there was an operation to remove this urge i would be the first on the list. I have had enough and want my life back...
Thank goodness we have each other to offload..
I am thinking of you...
lots of love astridxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Thanks Pipkin
This has been on my mind for about 3mths now and its becoming overwhelming once again...going away and coming back just highlighted you cannot run away. It catches up on you eventually...
I thought maybe the answer to everything was to go for another treatment. And thats just made me even more miserable opening up a can of worms. So i am at a lost and as i say i think that i am going to give it another shot with a counsellor.
On the positive side i had a great time on my trek. To be honest i was glad not to have any responsibilities because i could let my hair down completely. I did not have to worry about anything and i was free of thinking about IF. Yippee!!! I felt 20yrs old again and the old me and thats probably why i had a mad moment of getting quite drunk and enjoying a massive hangover after we completed the trek!ha ha.

Thanks for your understanding...
love astridx


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## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

Dear Emma, Amcee, Pipkin and Astrid,

Is it ok if I join you?

It's just that you all sound just like me. I could have written anyone of your words myself. Oh Emma I've said so many times I refuse to expose my behind to another person. When I asked recently about why I've stayed (and failed) with my Dr. so long I wanted so badly to say I am shy about being naked in a parade!!!! In addition to believing that every gambler rolls the dice to win right? So I thought I should just keep rolling. Or worse yet I think I am just slow and I need to pack for the funny farm.

In two years I've cycled 8ivf's 2iui's and 1 FET. The closest i've gotten is a MC at 8 weeks.  

It is like listening to myself speak reading your post. 

This has been one of the heardest challenges I've ever come up against. And I did come up with a plan of over coming the cyclers addiction but I haven't gone through with it because I live in fear of the long term regret and loss will catch me down the road.
I am a secondary Infertility case. So I can say I would trade the whole pregnancy just to have a child of my own. I will gladly PM you the reasons why it is like I say. And I was the easiest case ever. YUCK! 

However the Dr.s are constantly telling me the best option is Donor eggs. And I am supposed to be so excited to carry someone else's eggs, that's the last thing I am after!!! Plus on top of that is when they say and "it"s your HUSBAND's", the very one who got me into this mess? NO THANK YOU!!! How fair is that ?I want one that looks like me,is like me. It could fall out of the sky for all I care, just please let it be mine. I know that is shallow. I live in a constant state of indecision and bewilderment.  

Please forgive me if this is too much.

So glad to hear you are safe Astrid and it was wonderful for you. 

However on earth did I let this happen!!!! Why didn't I fight sooner? Sorry for the ranting.


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear try2long
welcome!
feel free to rant.
I feel exactly as you do.
I really admire you for the courage to go through 8 ivf's. Your miscarriage would have been devastating.
I don't think anyone can understand this process except someone who's been through it which is why so helpful to talk here. At least it's a place where we can be ourselves no-holes-bared.

Dearest Astrid, I think counselling is a great idea. I'm going to go and see someone with my husband next Thursday.
try2long I can certainly understand about the shyness thing! I live in NZ and in the city I practice(I'm a GP) there are only 2 fertility specialists - one an old professor from med school and the other I used to be his house surgeon when I was a registrar. I'm sick of taking my knickers off in front of people I used to follow round in ward rounds and have cups of tea with!!

Anyway got to go to work - 7.45 here in NZ.
Yearday a patient rang me all joyful because she conceived with fertility treatment - I just wanted to burst into tears and hide, hide, hide. 

Lots love and shared tears

Emma


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## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

Hello Everyone, 

I hope you all are doing well. I am so glad you are all here. I have said many times "it" has eaten my life and a huge sum of money and given nothing in return. It is so hard to believe my Baby making years are over and my choices are to cycle to death or give up. Be perpetually miserable or be perpetually miserable....how do I choose

Emma my Hubby is a General Surgeon. My Step-Father was a Neuro- Surgeon and I have a large number of meddies in my family. I've always wondered about Medicine in the UK. I hope you were able to hide at least a moment after that!!!! And had enough chocolate while you were under ground. Chocolate is my primary food while escaping from life. Sometime it is the closest thing I have to an escape. From a medical stand point what do you think of fasting? 

This week has been Grand, two different calls from friends who wanted to know about infertility tx since at our tender age of 43 they have both decided to add to their families. Neither one of them believes it is NOT possible ---- or at best harder than hell to go through. The media has the womens movement lied to us. There isn't forever!!!! On top of all of this My bunny of eight years passed this morning. I am in pieces over that. I spent years loving that creature. I miss him so already.

Freezing in the US every where this week, how's UK? 

Much love and warm thoughts to all of you XXX Try.


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Try2long - Oh hun so very, very sorry to read your lost your beloved bunny this morning, that is so sad   sending you HUGE HUGS xxxxx Thinking of you.

Love 
Hippy
xxxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi Try2
So sorry about your bunny!! i can imagine you loving this little mite for years..i love my dog with a passion...
Take care astridx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Ouch try2!

I'm really sorry to hear about your bun  

Love,
Emcee x


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear try2long,
I'm sorry to hear about your bunny too, they're such gentle creatures.
We live on the country and rabbits are a pest here but we don't attempt to do anything about them. We just sit inside and watch them lop across the lawn.
I lost a cat 2 yrs ago and was absolutely devastated. 
You take care of yourself.
lots love Emma


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## try2long (Nov 25, 2006)

Thank you Ladies for all the kind messages for my bunny. As if the coping from day to day with moving off the baby dream wasn't enough then there is still day to day life and it's little set backs. I should dig out Coco pictures and get and picture with signature as memorial. 

I had to chuckle thinking about the name of this post. My mother used to always tell to stop felling sorry for myself. I being the precocious little creature that I was would tell her in reply, "if I don't feel sorry for me who will?!!" too bad she isn't alive today to hear I found a whole group of us, can only imagine what she would say. 

I hope all of you are well and I sincerely hope you can find a counselor to help. I have gone many times over all the IVF nightmare and it does seem to help. Mostly I look forward to hearing your stories. Since you all are live people who deal with the same emotions as me and you're struggling like me. My therapist is a male and IF is new to him. Oh well over all I think it does help. 

I've been in bed with the flu and still am not up to much, energy wise. 

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

If I could I would wave a magic wand and make it is all go away. It would be so nice for all of us to just flip a switch and take a break from it. 

Much love, Try


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