# Feeling Like the world is against me .. and struggling to control emotions :(



## MrsWakey269 (Feb 22, 2014)

I am writing this for a vent really...i love my husband but he is very shut off at the moment about the whole IVF and fertility process and on the firm standing that it will happen and wont even associate himself with any other option where as i am trying to prepare myself for all outcomes. We recently just found out that we are being referred for the IVF and that it take 2-3 months before we hear from the IVF Clinic and i although i have told a few close friends and members of out family i still feel like the world is against me and that its one thing after the other, for example, windy day and i drop the rabbit's litter tray which caused me to scream in rage and then break down in tears ... now i am not normally like this and just wondered if anyone else has ever felt this way or currently feels this way .. im so lost on what to do and i know the doctor said not 2 stress but now its in my head i cant forget about it ... Am i over thinking things or is this how loads of people feel?? I also work as a nursery nurse with lots of lovely little babies from 6 months to 5 years old and constantly have parents coming in announcing they are pregnant and i have no problem congratulating them but recently a staff member announced she was expecting at the end of August and its all anyone can talk about at work and i am starting to feel bitter  HElp me someone! i just need a friend in the same boat who understands all my craziness


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Mrs Wakey

I can completely understand how you feel.

When we first found out we had issues one of my best friends was about to have a baby and another announced her pregnancy, the third of our close group had a baby about 6 months before that when we were still TTC naturally so I know how  it feels to have people al around being pregnant, oh yeah and my neighbour was 6 months when we found out about our issues and I had to see her everyday walking past our house! Torture!

When we feel like this everything seems to go wrong and the frustration becomes exponential. Just after our chemical pregnancy in December I put my brand new leather gloves in the washing machine by accident, they were in a jumper pocket, my DH found me sitting on the floor in the kitchen sobbing my heart out!

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier but I am now a year on and I still have little breakdowns! 

I'm supposed to be starting a new cycle in three weeks with a Hysteroscopy and a scratch but now I find out I am still too heavy and need to lose about 9kgs which let's be honest is gonna be hard in three weeks!

I am working out for a hour a day and walking the dog in the fields for a hour and I am watching my food and only drinking  water!

We have to do so much for our dream and hopefully it will all be worth it in the long run! 

My advice is to keep talking on here, it sounds trite but it has literally saved me, having lovely ladies to talk to who understand, because let's face it people who haven't had issues just don't get it no matter how hard they try or how nice they want to be!

I'm sending you a cyber hug and I hope it helps I some small way!

Pudding
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## MrsWakey269 (Feb 22, 2014)

Hi pudding

That actually does help alot .. im so glad I found this site cos even just flicking through some of the other topics and sseeing what people say gives me a bit of relief.

The emotions properly hit me when my best friend suddenly announced she was pregnant but had been telling me she wasnt trying and still had her implant and told me by txt which I think hurt th most .. my husband found me curled on the kitchen floor totally inconsolable and not a clue what to do or what was wrong 

Im not a big girl but aftwr quitting smoking a few years ago the weight has piled on and I am worried that they will tell me a I have 2 lose weight before we can have treatment and I have been trying but its been very unsuccessful 

Its defo stressful least they dont lie aboit that xx


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Hi Mrs Wakey, I am afraid how you are feeling is completly normal, we all are trying to cope the best we can. I'm afraid I have nothing to make things better but just want to say you are not alone, try to take comfort in this forum, I know it has helped me a lot when ive had a dark day.


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Mrs Wakey

Okay this is the best thing about this forum, trading tips and advice and getting support from other ladies who have had the same problems as us!

Weightloss is something I have battled with since I hit my mid twenties, my teenage years were spent ridiculously underweight so it was a bit of a shock as I got used to eating whatever I wanted and not putting on weight!

Losing weight has always been hard for me and even if I work really hard I either lose only a little or none at all!

After our second chemical pregnancy in December we decided to have immune tests done, as you can see from my signature I was diagnosed as Hypothyroid and borderline PCOS.

Im on medication for them now, both of these would inhibit weight loss and so this is probably why I have always found it so hard!

I cannot recommend having these tests done prior to treatment enough, we didn't and I regret it.

I know they are very expensive but you can get your thyroid done at your GPs and if you have had issues losing weight this could be a factor!

The optimum for TTC is between 1 & 2.

Diet wise I recommend an app called My Fitness Planner, you add in all your food and exercise and it tracks your progress, you can't hide what you have eaten and it really makes you think about it!

I calorie count and this works pretty well.

I have also had success on the 2:5 diet and it's hard to get into but once you are used to it it's not that bad!

I could easily have written the last paragraph of your last post, when we found out we had issues and my Friend announced her pregnancy, I couldn't be there for the big announcement she was planning and I am so grateful for that, she called me the day before as she wanted to be the one to tell me and not hear it on the grapevine and I held it together  on the phone passing off my breaking voice as tears of happiness. I put down the phone and literally collapsed to the floor, my legs just gave way, I sank to the floor and sat there crying for about an hour, my DH found me and I couldn't tell him what it was he thought I was injured! To make matters worse she gave birth the day I started bleeding on my first 2ww, I still haven't seen her since the baby was born, I just couldn't! 

You are not alone sweetie!

Pudding
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## MrsWakey269 (Feb 22, 2014)

Hi pudding

You'll have to forgive me all these abbreviations are new to me so not sure what everything means. The whole weight issue is where I am now and I'm quite active in my job .. i chase children round all day (as my husband would put it) but its a nonstop job, i have 2 very active dogs and go to fitness classes but the weight either builds or stays the same but never goes down so very tempted to go to the doctor and have a wee chat.

You sound like you have been through the works but so upbeat about everything.  I had a little wobble at work today when a friend asked if i was OK   control is important to me and mines is slipping ever so slightly.

It took me a very long time to speak to her again properly and i tried my best but was quite glad when she went on maternity leave but she drifted away for a while and it took a time to get our friendship back and now we have it and seems our friendship is a lot stronger as i have confided in her how i felt and she was very understanding and i absolutely dote on her little boy who is now a year old and calls me 'Rarrr' which even as little as it makes me smile.  We all need the little things.

Feeling bit relieved

Wakey xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

MrsWakey

It is so sweet of you to say that, I worry that I am a blithering mess most of the time!

I have my up and down days, I think everybody does!

You sound very similar to me in regard to the weightloss, I had my thyroid checked a few years ago and doc told me all was fine but my TSH level was actually 3.47 when I was tested a few months ago, which although is within acceptable levels is considered high especially for TTC (trying to conceive) wish I had looked into it more back then but just accepted what I was told, I def don't do that now!

I know exactly what you mean about needing to be in control, I was the same and I still struggle with it but you will just have to accept that IVF takes the control away from you and if you try to cling on to it it will drive you crazy, you just need to focus on the things you can control like the weightloss thing, small steps, see your GP and get your thyroid tested and ask about tests for PCOS, again this makes weight loss difficult best to rule these things out and then you can focus on the important things!

Pudding
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## MrsWakey269 (Feb 22, 2014)

Hi pudding

yes my thyroid was checked in 2007 when i lost my father to sleep apnoea and for my mother's peace of mind, my 2 brothers and i were tested and i came up as the most likely but thyroid was fine and luckily sleep apnoea tests were negative too ... but definitely up for getting my thyroid checked again.

you may have told me but what does PCOS mean? i have started to work out the other abbreviations lol slowly but getting there.

sometimes i honestly feel like i think to hard about it and everyone says 'stop thinking too much' or 'dont stress and just carry on, live life normally' but is it just me or is it just easier said than done ... my mother recently has become my rock and today i witnessed the toll its putting on her to know that there is nothing she can do to help me .. sorry my little wild tangent there

xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

MrsWakey

I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been a horrible shock.

PCOS is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. It is where cysts develop on the ovaries more info is on this link http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Polycystic-ovarian-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx .

I've been diagnosed as borderline, there are no cysts that the doc could see but I have some of the classic symptoms, weight gain and too many large follicles.

It's worth asking the question to rule it out if nothing else.

You can have as many wild tangents as you want on with me Hun, I know exactly what you mean my mind quite often wanders onto new things!

People who don't suffer with infertility say the daftest things don't they! How can we live life normally when we are in limbo? That is how I feel all the time, I'm constantly waiting, waiting for the next thing to happen, a new diagnosis or a new cycle or just my period! It's like a hamster wheel that I can't get of off, to get off is to admit defeat and I not ready for that!

Infertility invades every single part of our lives, our relationship, our family, our work it takes over so completely so you can't just "live life normally" what you need to do is find a way to be who you are now and cope with it as best you can to keep yourself happy and above all sane!

You have taken the first important step towards that which is to reach out to people who understand exactly how you feel and can offer you advice and support, as you said about he abbreviations it is a whole new world and a whole new language that you have to learn and believe me it will start to make more sense soon and in the meantime if you need any help with it just let me know if I can help I will and if not we can find somebody who can!

I'm also really close to my mum and I can tell you that it breaks my heart to see how she and my dad suffer not being able to help, I know my mum thinks that she is useless to help me but her support is invaluable, emotionally and physically.

After our first chemical pregnancy DH had to go away for about a week on a pre planned work trip that was in the calendar well before our cycle was, my parents were the ones that put me back together to a functioning level before he came back, in fact I think he was genuinely shocked after our second chemical as he was here to see it all and he didn't realise how hard it was for me.

Mums just want to protect us, just tell her that you love her and appreciate her and I'm sure that will be all that she needs!

Pudding
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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hey, I've just posted about getting pregnancy jealousy about a donkey!  If there was a driven crazy by infertility club, then I would be a fully paid up member.  I'd probably be the club secretary, though perhaps my new dizzy heights of madness would bump me up to at least co-director  

Wild tangents are also my forte!  Honestly, I think that it is only because we are women (and capable of a million unassociated, random and equally important thoughts) that we are just able to hang on by our beautifully quaffed nails. 

MrsWakey and Pudding, you have both been through so much.  Although anonymity is fab, I wish that we could meet sometimes and share life, the universe and everything over (low fat) cake and (decaf) coffee  

I sometimes feel that everyone else would be so much happier without me.  I know this isn't true but the burden that my unquenchable desire to have a baby and the rollercoaster of emotions, costs and exhaustion that this brings is almost hard to bare sometimes.  

Although my DH comes with many, many of his own problems, it sometimes feels that the only way that we'll be happy again is if I give up.  My sister is a psychologist and has to hear about people's terrible problems all day, every day, I feel so guilty when she slips into work mode to hear my latest woes.  My Mum, oh blimey, she is a whole different cuttle of fish.  My Mum has a terminal illness, she cannot cope with stress or worries and I pile these on her on a daily basis.  I try to keep 99% of it away from her but she hears my unhappiness and confusion and it is awful for her.  I am so lucky in that we can only go through ICSI because she is paying, and perhaps that gives her some comfort in that she is providing us with the most wonderful gift that she could.  I am eating up her money though, money which she should be dying her hair purple and having the time of her life with.

Puddings so right, people who don't understand say the most ridiculous things.  My favourite is 'just relax', 'try to have a life outside of trying to conceive' or 'if it's meant to be...'.  They all go on the naughty list, which I wish that I was in charge of  

Control is very important to me too.  Everything seems to be out of my control since I met my DH!

I'd look into getting some more tests done to see what might be underlying, at least it is doing something proactive during your wait for the clinic.  If you're anything like me, with my control freakery, I need to be doing something xxxx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Molly

Let me start by asking you a question, do you really think that everybody would be happier without you? Because from what you have said about your family and your DH I can't see how that would be true.

We all have those moments when everything seems overwhelming and we want to give up but there are so many stories on here about women who try for years and do get their dream.

Think about it this way, we work so hard and wait so long for what comes so easily to others that it will just be all the sweeter for it, we will relish the sleepless nights and the teething and enjoy what other people complain about making our lives happier and more fulfilled in the long run!

Proactivity is so important, hobbies also help, I started knitting scarves but I ran out of people to give them to! Doh! all my female family members and some of my friends now have matching scarves, very cool indeed!

Lots of hugs and love to you Molly, stay strong, I know you can!

Pudding
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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Thanks Pudding!  I don't feel like that really, it's just a subconscious feeling and the terrible guilt complex that I'm cursed with .

I love that you've knitted your way through family & friends!  I'm still trying to find my proactivity, avoiding DIY on our renovation isn't a positive one   xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Honestly Molly i think we all feel guilty at some time, for me it was hard to accept that i had secondary issues on top of DHs low count.

I felt like my issues were the reason our pregnancies were chemical and if it hadn't been for that we would have been successful!

But here is the thing, that I am really good at telling other people not so good at telling myself, IF is not an exact science and we cant know what causes things to happen, blame is a waste of time and energy that can be better spent on other things!

Keep talking sweetie it helps to get all these feelings off our chests!

I weighed myself again this morning and i have lost 2.5kgs which gives me hope! we all have to find hope in what we can!

Pudding
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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Wow, great start to the losing weight .

I've been a veggie since birth (made that way, family didn't understand it at all!) and my protein levels are pretty poor. On top of my protein milkshakes, I don't think that all the nuts I'm eating now are helping with my diet.

I can't believe how much better it feels to talk and get some of the sillier stuff and worries off my chest. My DH is not a talker and finds the emotional stuff _really _ hard. I have to get all the whittering and chittering that I need to do out before he gets home! xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

I know what you mean about your DH, mine doesnt really go in for the emotional talkie stuff either!

Its frustrating isnt it, when he does finally talk it does him good so its so annoying that i cant seem to get him to talk without a fight!

Pudding
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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Good grief, you are us!  We make huge progress when DH finally talks - but we have to have a fight about having to talk first! xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

My DH tends to get all out of his box over nothing and prompts a fight where we end up arguing about all sorts of things until I get to the root of what he is really upset about!

It's like pulling teeth!

I would love it just once if he came to me and said I am upset/worried/annoyed about the following, then I could help or just listen, but no he always has to do it the hard way which is really hard when you are going through IF no matter who the issues are with!

Pudding
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## MrsWakey269 (Feb 22, 2014)

Hi Ladies,

After jst reading thru the last few posts and they made me smile knowing how similar we all are in such little ways.  My DH is also very closed off about all the emotional stuff but i know that he gets it from his parents and siblings unfortunately as they are also like that and dont like to do anything out of the box, for instance, we told them about the IVF process and they really werent that interested t the point his mother said 'it will happen when it happens' and his dad said 'why do they need to do all this poking around for' but my mum is the total opposite and wants to know everything and how we both feel etc ... its so hard to communicate with people who dont want to look at new perspectives on life.

I am currently having the whole 'they wudnt miss me' attitude with work as i feel that the girls i work with who would call themselves 'friends' dont really care but this may not be the case and im maybe being over-sensitive as they all know about how we are struggling to conceive and have recently just had our appointment but nobody has asked how it went, what the dr said etc but seem to know every single detail and want to know more about a colleagues pregnancy (when her scans are etc)  its a bit down-heartening really but i dont want to bring it up incase it backfires on me and they think im attention seeking

argh sometimes i could just scream!!

Rant done for now!


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Morning Ladies!

We are very similar MrsWakey, my Inlaws are supportive but aren't interested in any of the actual facts and what we are really facing.

For instance my MIL said to me and my mum at Christmas that perhaps while we are on holiday we will relax and it will just happen! I was so flabbergasted I had to leave the room before I said anything rude! Particularly as I was still coming to terms with a chemical pregnancy in December.

We have explained everything to them and I was very disappointed to hear that they haven't listened to a word we have said, my mum tried very politely to explain that that won't happen and offered to. Lend her one of the books my mum bought to learn all about IVF and that was declined, says it all doesn't it!

In regard to your work people I think that they don't know what to say IF scares people it's such a difficult subject to talk about that they are probably more embarrassed than not interested. Think about how much we have to learn and take onboard when we embark on this journey, it's a whole new language and world that I knew very little about before we were diagnosed! Perhaps they think you don't want to talk about it!

This may sound crazy but it's driving me mad so I have to see what you think, my SIL was put on clomid in jan and has booked flights to come over and see us in march which is pretty soon after being here at Christmas, my DH and his family don't really see each other that much! Her ******** page has said that she has been "feeling sick" a few times  in the last couple of weeks and I have this horrible sinking feeling that she maybe coming over to announce her pregnancy. DH says no that's not what it is but I'm just not sure! She has also made references to going out drinking which imam sure she wouldn't coif she was or thought she might be pregnant but the I know of friends who have lied about partying to over their first 12 weeks and keep it a secret!

Pudding
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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Sadly there will be some people who you would have thought would be interested who just plain don't want to know.  This maybe because they find it hard to understand or it may be disinterest but it is hard for you to work out which.  I have found over the years I now don't say much unless people ask and genuinely seem interested.  Those are the people who are your support network.
Good luck
TC x


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Morning!

I'd agree with Tincancat, I've learned the hard way not to tell anyone that you don't 100% trust.  My mother in law sent me a venomous text a day after my miscarriage 'by mistake, it was meant for my friend'.  The only people who know that we're trying one last cycle is my Mum and sister now, and that's how it will stay sadly.

Oh Pudding, I understand your dread if you feel your SIL will be announcing her pregnancy, I would be thinking and dreading exactly the same.  I have suffered really badly with pregnancy jealousy, it's actually got a little easier since I had a miscarriage - oddly, but at least I feel that I've been pregnant once even if it wasn't for long.

The sun is shining today   xx


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

The sun is shining today!

I'm probably being silly, I'm just so paranoid about announcements all the time, I'm usually pretty good at guessing when they will happen and avoiding them but if somebody is determined to ambush you they will won't they!

I need to chillax and focus on my own goals and the cycle!

Pudding
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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Hello Ladies
I have found this website really good for giving tips on how to deal with pregnancy announcements and the like. It is written by a psychologist who has undergone IVF herself. http://theinfertilitytherapist.blogspot.co.uk/2010/09/when-shes-pregnant-and-youre-not.html 
TC x


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## MrsWakey269 (Feb 22, 2014)

Afternoon Ladies

I have come to the conclusion that unless they want to know I haven't or won't say anything but now beginning to think that for my own peace of mind that maybe i should just do a wee group text and give a basic overview but then i doubt myself and think its a bad idea... its all very confusing!!

Pudding, on the SIL front I would be very suspicious too but then I wondered how often does she visit normally?? does she sound more excited than usual to come visit? then I would really question it but also I sometimes find that if I prepare myself for it either way it makes it a little bit easier and then its not so much of a shock to the system although it will still hurt to know that she is and you just have to remember to think positive and be supportive to the best of your abilities and I know how hard it is.
and congrats on weight loss too ... im considering giving the 5:2 diet a shot as it lookslike it would fit in quite well with my lifestyle so hopefully might get a bit of success with that while i wait to get appointment at local doctors.

thanks for the link Tincancat im defo gna give it a look over as any little thing helps to make things easier to deal with.

Ive jst had a right telling off from a caring friend about my negativity and she reminded me that i seem to focus more on the people thatt dont care than the people that do and need to remember that the people that do will always be there with a sensitive ear, caring shoulder and a baseball bat to knock anyone out that need knocked out lol sheis a one with words haha 

speak soon ladies


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Mrs Wakey

I think it is most important to balance privacy with peace of mind.

I tried to keeping all quiet from my friends but as my three closest ones were all new or soon to be mums I found seeing them and being involved in their lives without them knowing very hard! 

They have been my friends for almost 17 years since uni and I knew they would think something was up, I didn't want them to think it was sour grapes so I bit the bullet and told them, they have all been really supportive but still sometimes say silly things like the one that compared her post natal depression to how I was feeling after my first BFN, and the one who is a yoga teacher that told me she could show me some stretches that would help me to get pregnant! Really? with a low sperm count downward dog will get us pregnant will it! No smutty comments girls I was talking about yoga!

Anyway I love them so much but I needed a sane non baby obsessed person who doesn't have kids to talk to and that opportunity presented itself when a friend of mine also from uni called me to chat after she broke up with her boyfriend, we cried on each other's shoulders about all that was wrong, and she never says silly things to me like relax or don't stress and it will happen!

One of the mums is having a dedication for her baby on sat and I am dreading it I would be dreading it even more if my other friend hadn't called and talked me into going, none of our other friends know most have kids and all will be there probably asking me "when will we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet?", with promises of a safe word in case I get upset so she can step in and whisk me off and alcohol! Sensibly of course!

She sounds really similar to your friend, threatening people with a bat and your friend is right these are the people we should focus on!

A little anecdote to make you smile, my 11 week old puppy just barked himself awake and then because he had woken up barked at nothing it's a silly little bark that scares nobody more of a squeak really and he was looking at me as if to say well there must be something to bark at!

Pudding 
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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Mrs Wakey

If you do decide to tell people this link may help, I saw it on another clever ladies post after we had told our family and friends and wish I had see it before!

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Pudding
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/links


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## MrsWakey269 (Feb 22, 2014)

Hi pudding,

I'm still really torn on what to do but think it might be for the best to tell them as its causing me frustration at work by not really having anyone knowing apart from my manager who was really understanding and has been supportive through the process so far and just hope it stays that way as i warned her that i have no idea how things will be or how quick/slow or often things will happen now but she has been warned so   thinking positive.

Bless your wee puppy .. i have 5 fur babies lol 2 cats, 2 dogs and 1 little rabbit (we did have 2 rabbits and she had 4 babies but unfortunately we lost them all at Christmas as it was just too cold for them)
They are my babies and i love them to death and would be lost without them .. They were gorgeous little things when they were little and now that they are older I love them even more cos its like they know when something is wrong and you just need a little peace and quiet or a understanding cuddle which may seem silly but thats how it feels to me lol

xxx


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## Alotbsl (May 20, 2013)

Great link tincancat I found that very useful.


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Your welcome Alotbsl. I am not one for blogs and things but that one really struck a chord with me and I have read most of her posts.  
Good luck to everyone
TC x


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