# 42 tomorrow spent morning crying



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Yes I know I'm being pathetic - and it's not about being 42. It's about being 'me' at 42 - my life and the way it has not turned out as I wanted it. But if I stop and think rationally I'd have to say that there really is only one area that hasn't turned out right. And you all know too well what that is. Trouble is it gets magnified out of proportion. It's stupid but I end up thinking I've done nothing at all because I've not managed to push a sproglet out. Can you believe I got jealous of Nicole Kidman today?! (I read about her pregnancy in Hello while at the hairdressers.) That is just mad - never met the woman and never likely to. I just thought - "there is another one who's life is turning out right in the end". At 42 and without the resources for a baby buying spree in Africa or the top-of-the-range full-proof IVF clinic, my options are very much reduced. I feel a total mess inside and out. Where is my self esteem? Packed up and gone. And our friends (though I no longer count them as such) are eagerly awaiting their 20-week scan. You can't really say to them "We were like that too with Grace but that was when our universe caved in..." It just wouldn't do to talk that way...
Bernie


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## Donna Taylor (Dec 23, 2004)

Hi Hun,

Sorry you are feeling so rotton  

I have no magic words but I couldn't read without posting  
I hope your birthday isn't as bad as you think it iwll be

Donna x x x


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## meerkatz (May 17, 2007)

Dear Bernie

So sorry you are feeling low , all I can say is that I know how you are feeling, my birthday isnt far away about to turn 40 I had a miscarriage a long while ago, dont have many friends left due to majority being in the family way.  A work colleague of mine who is 41 announced over the telephone the other week "ive got some news to tell you"... you can guess what is coming next, yes pg naturally hadnt been trying for that long apparently.  It blew me for six; of course she doesnt know about my situation although I did feel like saying something but bit my tongue.  She is in process of moving to a new house to accomodate her lucky situation. Its so unfair, life is so unfair.  We are in a family sized home without the family , think moving to a flat may be the best option for us in the future.  The media really pushes the pronatalism in this country big time and the publics' perception of people producing at the drop of a hat.  I can understand you feeling jealous of Nicole Kidman, when I read about her lucky situation I felt the same way, not to mention other actresses like Sarah Parish from Mistresses who is 39 and produced easily too, read a magazine quote from her saying that she never thought about children until she met the right man not that long ago, then it all fell into place   Im waiting on Kylie Monogue making an announcement next as there doesnt seem many of these celebrity people at our age who are childfree.  
I hope that despite how you are feeling you can have a nice birthday somehow 

Hugs 

Meerkatz x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bernie love hig (((hugs))) to you sweetheart

I remember not too many years ago feeling pretty despondent at one of my birthdays - when one of my lovely friends took me to one side and asked me was I ok as I looked a bit spaced out I told her the truth - that I had never imagined getting to this age in my life without children - that myself and my DH had worked so hard to get to where we were today and I felt like we had nothing to show for it... that his parents don't bother their backsides with us because we don't have a child together.... oh she got it all, but I needed the space to let it all out!

I've found its not just about us as people who have struggled with IF and/or loss... its other peoples attitudes and perceptions of us too. Still can't believe how DH's folks don't bother their bums with us, but am not surprised any more at the many friends who have fallen along the wayside either. Get what you're saying about losing Grace too, although I have never been through that, its something that will stay with you forever but its not something that you can just bring up in conversation - even though you have experienced pregnancy to a degree... I felt like sh*t telling my heavily preggers friend about my last ectopic that she knew nothing about (I was really poorly, developed some kind of lung problem at the same time and was in hospital for a while and to be honest really wasn't with it at all) but didn't know what else to say as I was sick of hearing 'its happened to me it can happen to you too' YEAH RIGHT I HAVE NO TUBES !!!!! Thing is, why was I trying to spare her feelings when mine were being ripped to pieces?!

These celebrities who end up preggers in their later years make it harder for the rest of us who have little or no chance because everyone reads about them and assumes its a cake walk getting preggers when you're older because its all they read about!

So Bernie, you're not being pathetic... you're simply voicing how it is for you at this moment in time. And thats what we're here for - to lend a listening and supportive ear to you.

Much love  
Emcee xxx


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## sandnotoil (Sep 14, 2007)

Hi Bernie,
I may only be 37, but I understand you perfectly, as I too get those "if I can't produce a sprog what good am I" feelings.

I hadn't known about the Nicole pregnancy, but I'd got the same feelings a week ago when I watched Jonathan Ross, and 2 of the actresses from Mistresses were both preggers, and then you have the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Jessica Alba and probably the most annoying Angelina Jolie whose baby making exploits are followed with headline grabbing anticipation.

All I can say is it's good to let it all out, and on here is a good place to do it, so, no, you're not being pathetic. I am sending you some hugs     so you know you're not alone. I hope you feel a bit better.


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## Anabelle (Nov 6, 2004)

Myownangel 

just wanted to send you a huge   , I can relate to every word of yours.    I was 40 a couple of weeks ago, and I sooooo wanted to be a mummy by the time I was 40.  Everyone asking "what you doing for your 40th?" and me saying "nothing" with one of 'those smiles' on my face, when inside your heart is aching so much.  

Dont ever think you are being pathetic, how you are feeling is very important.   Yes I can understand the jealousy toward Nicole Kidman, I felt exactly the same way about Sarah Parish....Meerkatz I read the magazine article too, seems she's only been trying a very short while, aaaarrrgggggghhhhhhh.

I really hope you get through your birthday ok, I got to the end of the day of mine thinking "I survived another one"


A


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Bernie,

You are definitely not being pathetic. I had the exact same problem, but I was 37. That age represented something to me that I didn't realise until I couldn't stop crying and sank into a deep depression. I ended up getting some counselling support via my GP and worked out that I had been told that 37 was the age at which fertility begins to decline more rapidly (this is almost 10 years ago, so I expect things have moved on since then!). Anyway, subconsciously it represented the end of my hopes and dreams, and just like you I was surrounded by "celebrities" and their pregnancies. The good news is that, although I still get a teeny tiny pang of jealousy, it is so small that I barely register it. You too will get there, I promise.

I can also sympathise about scans. My only involvement with scans has been no heartbeat or empty sacs. Even writing that that still chokes me, so how you coped with Grace I cannot begin to imagine. My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you   

I really hope you have a good birthday, but don't beat yourself up if you feel bad. You are allowed to grieve whenever and however you need to. We are all here thinking of you.

Take care,
Love,
Solitaire
xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thank you friends. Your understanding has helped loads. I got a grip of myself on the Friday, as I had so much to do I couldn't sit there blubbing all day. I had an ok sort of day on my birthday - we went down to Rye looking around antique shops. The weather was amazingly beautiful and dh took me to dinner in the evening. Today I got an email from preggo 'friend' (the one I've been ranting on about). And 'horrible me' have deleted it unopened. Well? 
She doesn't need my friendship - she has other things to think about. And believe me I'm doing her a favour as she wouldn't like what I have to say (!)
Oh well - angry's better than sad, right? !  
Bernie x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)




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## Angelmummy (Jan 28, 2008)

Hi Bernie

Just saw your post and I wanted to send you some belated   as well. Glad the birthday went OK.

I feel exactly the same way as each year ticks by your hopes fade with them 

I am 40 in August and the only thing that will stop me completely cracking up   would be a BFP!!! 

The only thing that helps slightly is that I a now going for donor eggs (due to early menopause) so at least the biological clock isn't ticking quite so loudly anymore.

        

Good luck and i hope your dreams come true

Love Angelmummy
xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Bernie,

Came on here very late but could not check out without sending you lots of love. Will be in touch soon. Jq xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Bernie,

I hope you are feeling stronger now. I was pleased to read that your day ended up being OK.

Birthdays can be tough can't they? An OK birthday is pretty good in the circumstances and achieving OK is actually quite a triumph.

I feel that the early 40's birthdays are very hard for us IF women as 40 seems to be a sort of cut off age. Our birthdays just after 40 seem to bring little to celebrate as they seem only to mark time away from the hope of having and keeping a birth family. (My consultant drew the line at 40 and I had my last IVF just before 41 which resulted in my 7th miscarriage soon after.)

I realise that your birthday is also a mark of the time since you lost Grace. All I can say about that is that I wish I could hug both of you.

As time goes on it may get a little easier to face your birthday. One reason is that the older you get the less you will be surrounded by contemporaries (including aging celebraties!) who are having babies and seem really happy with their lot. (Not only that but I guarantee that those who are have babies will include people who end up moaning about thier loss of freedom/getting divorced/dissapointed that their children do not turn out the way they wanted and generally claiming to have a hard time! You and I can either feel that they don't know how lucky they are, or we can choose to believe that having a child is not necessarily a ticket to happiness.)

But it is not just that you can grit your teeth and count your blessings. *In your case I really believe that you are a person who will find new ways forward and will have other achievements in your life to celebrate. *

So no easy and immediate suggestions here. Just a hand to support you through a difficult birthday and a hope that future ones will be easier and eventually happier.

Much love to you, and for Grace,

Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Thanks wouldloveababy cat, angelmummy and jq. I'm getting over myself (thank goodness). You are so sweet to say I will have other achievements jq - I sure hope so. I'm going to put my all into writing. As you know, I've done a lot of non-fiction writing (culminating in a book last year and another one currently underway). What I'd really like is to have a fictional novel published - but that means writing it first (no brainer!) So I have promised myself that when this current project is done and dusted (by end April), I'm going to keep up the writing habit, only this time it will be my own stuff. 

If anyone is thinking of doing a bit of writing I have a really good bit of advice - get into the habit of doing some EVERY day. That way you will develop your 'writer's muscle' (I'm not sure where this is located - in the brain probably!) It is something I have found to be true through doing it. It works.

Anyways - the kind of deadlines I have don't allow me to wallow in self pity too long. I guess it will get easier with time - and a nice fat publishing contract!!  
Bernie xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Go for it Bernie! When can I read it?
LoL
Jq xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

You can come to the book launch!! (Just don't expect it any time soon....!)
Bernie xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bernie - you're scaring me now - LOL!

Reason being is one of my lovely friends keeps on at me to write - she says I have a wonderful way with words  She keeps nagging me to go on http://www.x365.org/ where you write as many words as your age for 365 days a year about different people who have touched your life in some way. Its a hell of a challenge - but one I am kind of thinking of doing! 

Hope this tickles some of your fancies - LOL!  

Love
Emcee xxx

This post contains an unconfirmed link and readers are reminded that fertilityfriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

That does sound interesting - I will investigate! Seriously though, take my advice and do something every day - doesn't have to be on a website. Just pick a regular slot in your day - I think by fixing a timeslot it helps train the brain. And after a while, you sit down and something magical happens!  
Bernie x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Thanks for the top tips Bernie!
Am an avid book reader, preferring books to the TV - don't have a clue about whats on the box most days/nights etc. Put me in the queue for reading your book when you have written it - and if you ever want a proof reader you know where I am  
Love
Emcee xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Emcee you just reminded me I did a proof reading course many years ago .. havn't used it at all since   I just loved books so much that I thought it would be a good career to get into .. I would love a room just full of lovely books.. I buy my Nieces lots of books really beautiful ones and it breaks my heart to see them all over the floor being trodden on; I think it is great for children to be into books from an early age but also to teach them to look after them.. all the children I have looked after are mad on books I think because my pleasure of books has rubbed off. 

I have a bookcase in my bedroom and I want one in my spare room and one in my lounge..then I can fill them with lovely books. 

Bernie .. Wow really impressed that you write books hunny.. I can understand that you would have to be disciplined because it would be too easy to just go and do this and go and do that and get nothing done!

I started writing a book once it was the biggest load of twaddle ever..but I enjoyed writing it !  I get going off on one part too much and drifting off the story ..would have driven any reader completely barmy  
Cat x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Cat... I share your passion about books and I like them being kept pristine too!
Have already filled the bookcase in the living room - the shelves are doubled up to cram more books on there and am sneakily on the lookout for more space in this tiny house to fill up with even more books! DH complains saying most women like clothes and shoes and handbags - well I do, I just happen to like books a teeny bit more! LOL!  

Emcee xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

I drool when I see these houses with a room just full of books ..If I don't get to adopt the spare room is going to be full of books   actually what am I saying it will be anyway it will be just full of childrens books


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

We love books too - our dream home would have a library! I'm terrible - if I read a book and enjoy it I have to keep it. But I do throw out ones that have been disappointing. (I started reading Ian McEwen's Black Dogs and totally gave up on it - couldn't find any attraction to any of the characters. Normally I love his stuff...) 

BTW Cat - that is what is meant to happen in the first draft. You just splurge and get it all down, get side tracked, waffle on etc. Then the next bit involves shaping it into a coherent whole. Perhaps you could go back to it? Or ask a friend to read it - I'll bet it's not twaddle.

Bernie xxx


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