# Telling external family & inlaws about DE IVF?



## Sami78 (7 mo ago)

Hi all

hope you’re well!

sorry if this has been asked elsewhere but have not been able to find.
I’m hoping to have DE IVF in Spain in a few months if all goes to plan.
My husband and I have already agreed we would tell the child (🙏) but I’m not sure about telling his side of the family and family friends. 
I wouldn’t want the child to feel they had to hide this about themselves and we all know kids have a habit of telling people around them everything so I expect it would come out.
My worry is how others would treat them but also whether my in laws would feel they had more claim on the child then my side due to the genetic connection. Also my not being able to use my own eggs I’m sure would lead to talk (I’m Asian and there does seem to be a bit of a stigma). 
Any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be gratefully received x


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## Efi78 (Jun 26, 2017)

Hello,
We have decided to go down the donor eggs path as well. We will not tell anyone else other than the child. It will be her/his own story and in laws/parents don’t need to know. Why would they and what difference would it make in their lives. I think it would obly cause problems as I am not sire they would know how to handle this.


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Have a look at definingmum.com
Loads of support and info on donor conception and how to handel telling others.
She also offers a membership support group


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## Sami78 (7 mo ago)

Efi78 said:


> Hello,
> We have decided to go down the donor eggs path as well. We will not tell anyone else other than the child. It will be her/his own story and in laws/parents don’t need to know. Why would they and what difference would it make in their lives. I think it would obly cause problems as I am not sire they would know how to handle this.


Thanks Efi78 - wishing you all the best for your DE journey x


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## Sami78 (7 mo ago)

K jade said:


> Have a look at definingmum.com
> Loads of support and info on donor conception and how to handel telling others.
> She also offers a membership support group


Thanks so much K Jade for the info , I shall definitely the site out x


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## Ljp64 (Nov 23, 2013)

We have a five year old boy conceived by DE in Spain. We had implications counselling beforehand and we were open with everyone before we did it and during my pregnancy. Now we don’t discuss it as much but it’s certainly not a secret and our son knows. I don’t ever want him to think he should be ashamed of who he is, or where he came from but that’s a personal choice for it’s family. My in laws have no more claim over him than my family, he’s my biological child and in this country I have the same rights as any mother. As for my family my son has always been treated and loved the same as all the children in our family. I’d go as far as to say he’s probably my Dads favourite grandchild.


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## Sami78 (7 mo ago)

Ljp64 said:


> We have a five year old boy conceived by DE in Spain. We had implications counselling beforehand and we were open with everyone before we did it and during my pregnancy. Now we don’t discuss it as much but it’s certainly not a secret and our son knows. I don’t ever want him to think he should be ashamed of who he is, or where he came from but that’s a personal choice for it’s family. My in laws have no more claim over him than my family, he’s my biological child and in this country I have the same rights as any mother. As for my family my son has always been treated and loved the same as all the children in our family. I’d go as far as to say he’s probably my Dads favourite grandchild.


Thank you for sharing your experience Ljp64. We are using a clinic in Spain too. Agreed, last thing I would want is for the child to feel ashamed. I know I’m probably stressing at the moment about points I should not be seeing as still waiting for the donor part and no guarantee that this will work for us. Trying to keep a healthy balance between being realistic and not getting overly excited


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## Melissa87 (9 mo ago)

It’s an interesting question. I am about to startDE ivf and we have told my mother and father because there’s been some issues with our donor things keep getting delayed. My mother and father watch our oe child and I just felt they should know. I’ve also been open with friends who know how I’ve struggled. I don’t plan on telling everyone but I don’t plan on hiding it either. Honestly my mother has asked 100 questions about the donor so to stop it o said they agreed to move forward when they haven’t yet. She’s also expressed concern about others finding out. Quite frankly I don’t care. No one our age cares or judges and if the older does so be it. Her reaction makes me hesitant to tell my in-laws. We will be telling the child though for sure


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## Sami78 (7 mo ago)

Melissa87 said:


> It’s an interesting question. I am about to startDE ivf and we have told my mother and father because there’s been some issues with our donor things keep getting delayed. My mother and father watch our oe child and I just felt they should know. I’ve also been open with friends who know how I’ve struggled. I don’t plan on telling everyone but I don’t plan on hiding it either. Honestly my mother has asked 100 questions about the donor so to stop it o said they agreed to move forward when they haven’t yet. She’s also expressed concern about others finding out. Quite frankly I don’t care. No one our age cares or judges and if the older does so be it. Her reaction makes me hesitant to tell my in-laws. We will be telling the child though for sure


Hi @Melissa87 , I hope all the issues with the donor get resolved. I’m sure that must be quite stressful and doesn’t help when you’re having lots of questions thrown at you. I think our parents generation sometimes worry too much about what others will think. I’ve realised we have to do what is best for us, we are the ones living our lives and with the decisions we make x


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## Carajillo (4 mo ago)

Hi,
I would definitely recommend having a look at and/or joining the Donor Conception Network. They have a helpline and also a community of other parents with donor conceived children conceived from Spain and other countries. I have found it invaluable for my family (teenagers conceived in Spain as a solo mum). They also have online and in person groups where you can talk to others further ahead of you about who to tell and when. They also produce books on how to tell family and friends. They have a free webinar on what it means to join the DCN if you are interested. Lots of luck xx






Donor Conception Network | Supporting families through donor conception







www.dcnetwork.org









__





Talking With Friends and Family 2 Booklet Bundle Donor Conception Network


A copy of both booklets. Telling and Talking with Family and Friends - a guide for parents or prospective parents. Plus Our Family - a guide for friends and relatives. These two books are complementary to each other which is why we offer them at a reduced price for the set.




www.dcnetwork.org













Info Session: For new and prospective members - Booking by Bookwhen







bookwhen.com


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## Sami78 (7 mo ago)

Carajillo said:


> Hi,
> I would definitely recommend having a look at and/or joining the Donor Conception Network. They have a helpline and also a community of other parents with donor conceived children conceived from Spain and other countries. I have found it invaluable for my family (teenagers conceived in Spain as a solo mum). They also have online and in person groups where you can talk to others further ahead of you about who to tell and when. They also produce books on how to tell family and friends. They have a free webinar on what it means to join the DCN if you are interested. Lots of luck xx
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you so much @Carajillo , I will have a look at those links xx


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## BabyWanted! (Sep 6, 2019)

Sami78 said:


> Hi all
> 
> hope you’re well!
> 
> ...


We had our baby through sperm donation and like egg donation it might have a certain stigma on discussing it. Like you, we will definitely tell our child. There are several books you can read to them that eases in their story. As for telling family and friends I believe it is best to do so. But there is no pressure in telling them right away. You can tell them when a good opportunity arises. Good luck!


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