# Finding it hard to cope



## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

Hi there

Well my story is...After 9 years of TTC we started ICSI this year.  I have blocked tubes, DH low count porr mobility etc.  I started DR in March and had ET 1st June, 13 days later I started to bleed and everything came away.  We were absolutely devestated as we actually thought it was going to work I think.

8 weeks later we went to the clinic for our follow up appointment and much to our amazement the nurse said I had poor egg quality and elevated FSH levels and asked if Mom went through early menopause.  Both Mom and Nan were 30, I am nearly 28.  Why did they tell us day of ET we had 2 excellent eggs

She said we could try tx again IF we could find £4000 but the chances of it working were slim to none.  We decided against it.  Now 5 months on I am at my lowest I have ever been in my whole life and I can't see anyway out.

I don't want to get up on a morning and I don't want to go to work anymore.  I do though and I drag myself through the day but I am that close to giving it all up.  I went to see my GP but the counsellor has left and the PCT aren't employing a new one due to no more funding.  I dont want to go on pills as I feel I need to get out of this myself but I am so heartbroken I don't know how to pick myself up.  No one in my family knows how I am feeling as I hide it and I can't talk to DH.

He bought me a choc lab which I had always wanted and I love him to bits and for a few weeks kept my mind off all this but it's back.  Everywhere I look theres children and babies and its tearing me apart.  I just don't know what to do.  Will I ever learn to cope.


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## poppy22 (Jun 3, 2003)

Oh sweetheart, you sound just how i feel.  
Firstly why dont you ask to speak with a consultant. No disrespect to the nurse, but the amount of times iv been told something by the nurse and been in tears only for the doctor to say something different. Also it can take more than one cycle for it to work. Please get a second opinion, you just never know.? if you had 2 excellent eggs last time chances are you may get something next time and we all know it only takes one. 

The clinic where you went dont they employ a counsellor ?. 
I know its really hard iv been off work myself for 5 weeks now as i got a bfn 2 weeks ago and im absolutly devastated im sick of all this treatment im sick of all the upset and dissapiontment. Like you my husband bought me a choccy lab 3 years ago after a failed fet. He is my furry son and i love him.  

Like you i ask the question will i ever cope and could i live without children. i dont have the answer to that but im sure with time it would be something that i would learn to accept and find new ventures in my life things i wouldnt be able to do with children.

I really think you need to speak with someone sweetie,  and if your not able to cope with work can you not take some time off sick. Lets face it work is not important. you need to concentrate on you and explore all avenues avaliable before accepting anything. 

Please feel free to IM me dont feel you are alone because you are really not. 

love poppyxxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi there, i totally know where you are coming from! After my 2 bfns i was so distressed rhat i felt i was having a nervous breakdown! This was our  last chance as we had compromised with iui and decided not to go on with ivf- it wasnt the money , more the emotional upheavel and a moral dilemma about left over embryos(on my dh's part)

I had had my max sick days off and then i was so low -i was late for work often(i am a teacher so this is not good) and i couldnt get up in the morning. i also had an ulcer. finally i took a mth off- i would have taken longer except it was close to summer.I needed to get my head together and had thought about going to a counsellor. i didnt go in the end as i felt relaxed when off and didnt have to see anyone i didnt want to or who would upset me!! 

I went back for the last 2 wks of term and then i had 2 mths off.We went to Spain for a few weeks and also to my sisters new house for  a wk.I felt better when i came back in sept but still have my down days.If i hadnt taken the time off i dont think i would have been back for this term. I really wanted to take a year out (as i am teaching 10 yrs now and thought i would have been on maternity before now!!!). Unfortunately we only bought our new house 2 yrs ago and have amuch higher mortgage than before.

my advice to you is to take the time if you need it- my gp was very good and just put stress on the line as i didnt want my boss to know about my tx. Do it or else you will really fall lower.You need to think of you!

I was reluctant to go on medication- i was on beta blockers 3 yrs ago when i first went for tests as i was so stressed and my pulse was very high. I put on alot of weight with them tho.I havent succumbed to anti deps but if i ever gat as low again i might.

We are all going thru hell and altho i am trying to come to terms with the fact that i may always be childless i am only 35 so there is always a chance i suppose. I have a step daughter who lives with us- she is now 14 but i have lived with her since she was 8- sometimes it is so hard as i have dedicated so much time to her but would really love my own child.

Good luck to you- keep in touch. I am off for a week 2moro for half term so wont b online much nxt week xxxxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Angelbabywood,

I am glad you have turned to FF for help and support.  Believe me, you will get it here.

It has been an absolute lifeline for me.  I am so sorry for you pet.  Although my situation is different from yours, I can totally empathise as I am now trying to accept I will never have a child of my own and it is a nightmare.

Like you, I dont like to "burden" people.  Again, like you, my IF has been going on so long that I feel people are sick of listening to it.  As much as you try to be yourself, it does change you.  It breaks your heart and makes you "different".  You feel soooooo sad all the time dont you?

I really dont know what the answer is pet.  All I know is, through this site, we can support each other.  Lets face it, no-body else REALLY understands.

You say you dont want to talk to other people.  I used to feel like that.  But now (my mother made me see), after hiding it so long, I find it is just easier to cry in front of people who love you.  To hell with the embarrassment.  You feel better after talking about it and getting it out.  It really doesn't do you any good to keep it in.  

Just the other night there, after a horrible experience with my brother and his partner's gorgeous baby, I came home in tears.  I absolutely BAWLED my eyes out for about 6 hours solid.  Put on coldplay "Fix You" and cried, and cried and cried.  I felt sooooo low.    However, that was Sunday.  Today (Thursday) the sun is shining, I forced myself to go out to the shops (put the baby barriers up) and go to the gym and I do feel better.  dont get me wrong - I dont feel "happy" but I'm not hurting as much.  I also know that I will feel like crap again.  It just creeps up on you when you least expect it.  I think the thing is, you need to expect it.  I think that we will never get OVER this, but in time, we will (hopefully) learn how best to cope with it.  Unfortunately, only experience of going through this will give us the answer I think.  But we will get there.

Like you.  I can't see a way out either.  I have to force myself to get up in the morning.  I recently gave up work as I couldnt cope with IVF and a stressful job at the same time and I feel I have no purpose.

All I can advise you is LET your feelings out.  You might be surprised how supportive your friends and loved ones will be.  Dont put ADDITIONAL pressure on yourself by trying to be brave and keep all the emotion in.  It's why God created tears I believe, to rid your body of stress and hurt.

I would also like to stress that please think carefully before any doctor tries to "push" you anti-depressants or drugs.  The reason I say this is, if, in time, you decide to go down the adoption route, it could have an impact on their decision.  I know the adoption panel don't take too kindly to a histroy of ant-d's so if you can, try try hard to draw strength from deep down and pull yourself out of this dark hole.  Just take it a day at a time.  Try not to look forward and dont look back.  One day at a time.  Even start out with wee things.  Take a 5 minute walk, just to get out of the house.  Then try the shops, until you can slowly work up the energy and strength to start seeing friends and family again.

I do understand where you are.  I have been there myself so many times and it takes alot of strength to pull yourself up ... but in time, you will be able to do it.

I wish you all the luck in the world huni.  Take care of yourself and your DH - and you know where we are if you need us.
Love 
gill xoo


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi ladies

I'm so very sorry to hear of your suffering - it is very tough indeed.  ABW you can ask for a telephone counselling session - agreed it's a bit awkward when you've never met the person but it's not uncommon and you need all the help that's available to you.

Don't give up on life ladies. IF hurts and it hurts like hell and you have every right to grieve for what might have been. Trust me it can get easier if you let it.

I can't really think of anything else to add except I'm so sorry.

Take care

flipper


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI Agnelbabywood and Girls
Sorry that i have'nt been able to reply to your postings but i have been away for the last two weeks...I feel sad to come back and read about the dilemma's that you have had to expereince..
I have been reading all of the comments and what has been reiterated by all the girls, that you can express your feelings and emotions to all of us because we understand what IF is all about. The saddest thing to take onboard is the years of TTC and the hopes and dreams that gradually slip through our fingers. We all feel 'why me' and why can't i  have a 'success story'. But sadly it doesn't always work out like this for us and thats where i think alot of our depression and low days come in because the 'Unfairness' of it all...
I cannot beleive the way we have all expereinced different medical staff telling us about different things about ourselves. Its unfounded at times but it sets us off on a different rollercoaster and its so disturbing..
Please seek another opinion from another consultant or hospital so that you can put things right in your mind....
The other thing is which has already been mentioned is seeking professional counselling. As Poppy mentioned about looking for one at your Clinic.I went to see a counsellor at the Clinic that i was receiving treatment and she was excellant.She understood the pain and anguish of IF and had dealt with many other women in the same situation. Gill also is right maybe speaking to other family members and friends who are close to express your feelings....its amazing how much better you feel and i am sure they feel because they know where they stand on the whole situation..
Concerning the living without babies in the future is a hard one..I don't always face that question anymore not because i am hiding from it, its because i don't know what my future will bring..Its about taking each day as it comes. I know you cannot switch off these maternal instincts but its better to deal with it on a daily basis..
The other option is if you have come to the end of the road it comes when it does...you cannot force the situation because you are not ready do that yet...Maybe give yourself a time span and discuss things again with your partner in 6months time and this will take the pressure off you both...
The other way of dealing with it is looking at all your avenues and having peace of mind that you have done everything. You cannot give up if you still think there are unaswered questions still...but maybe speak to someone professional who will help assist you through this grey area of your life...
I wish i could wave a magic wand for us all and take the pain away...
Don't be hard on yourselves its a crappy place to be, but somehow it gets easier but with help from others and also making sure that you have done everything possible...
lots of love astridxx


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## Angelbabywood (May 11, 2005)

Thanks girls for your replies.  It does help to know you're not alone but also saddens me that there are soo many of us.

Well to add to all the crap DH has decided he is leaving me.  No real reason given but it hasn't been right well since I lost the embryo's.  I thought this would bring us closer together, boy was I wrong.  I really don't know how much more of this I can take I hurt so bad.

I can normally talk to my Mum but she lives 200 miles away from me and worries enough without me telling her how I really feel.  She also lost her Mum in April and I don't want to land all this on her.  I really dunno how MIL would react if I went and told her how I feel.  BIL and his wife don't understand and have already been talking about having another child even though they must know how we are feeling.  DH says I am not the only one who is down and I know he is down but I dunno how to help him when I can't even help myself.

I made an appointment with my clinics counsellor but the clinic is 1 1/2 hours bus and train ride from me (I dont drive) and I dont want to travel back all upset so cancelled it.  She rang me and was quite stroppy with me so I thought to hell with that.

Well im going to get off..Take care girls and thanks xx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Oh Kerry, I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time of it.

I really do hope your DH is just hurting and needs some space to think things through.  I hope he is just feeling "helpless" and feels he cannot heal your pain.

I know you are thinking your whole world has come to an end but please dont give up.  Give it some time and I really hope you can patch things up with your DH.

All I can say is don't hold back with him.  Be honest with each other.  You NEED to communicate.

I dont know what else to say but I;ll say a wee prayer for you tonight and you know where we are.......

BIG HUG 
Gill xo


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi kerry
Just reiterating what Gill has just said 'i am sorry'...this must be such a blow to you at this moment...
I don't also know what to say because this must be such an awful situation to be in and i just hope that you can find away to work things through together..
You know where we are if you want to chat...
love astridxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Sorry also Kerry- he is probably devastated too but maybe if you think of adoption it is something you can both do together.You are both very young and would be good candidates. Lots of love and take care xxxx


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