# New to FF - BFN today with FET for second child, feeling low & selfish -My Story



## 100480 (Mar 10, 2014)

Hello,

My story so far goes as follows. My partner and I have a big age gap, so decided I didn't want to be too old when I first fell pregnant. At age 20 we started TTC, but for 2 1/2 unsuccessful years AF decided to show up every month  After referrals from our GP's, we went for every test possible to determine our infertility. I only have 1 ovary, as I developed a cyst on my right ovary at age 18 which had to be surgically removed. However, all hospital tests including the HSG showed that everything else internally and my 1 remaining ovary looked to be in perfect working order. My partner's sperm test however showed almost zero sperm (less than a few thousand, and one sample even showed absolutely no sperm present), which was found to be a problem to do with a hormone in his body for which nothing could be done about - combining this with the fact the GP said my 1 remaining ovary wasn't releasing an egg every month, our chance of a natural conception was pretty much non-existant. So after almost 3 years of TTC, we were referred for IVF, although it would have to be self-funded due to my partner already having had 2 children many years ago.

In August 2012, we started IVF with ICSI. Luckily, my one ovary managed to produce a good amount of mature eggs - 9, of which 8 went on to fertilise, 6 developed normally and survived to day 5. We then had 1 embryo put back, and were fortunate enough to have 5 good quality embryos frozen. In October 2012, after several days of faint positive tests, we got a very strong positive result on the OTD. Our little star was born June 2013 after a perfect pregnancy and perfect labour 

Our daughter has been a delight to care for, and we are so lucky to have her. Due to my partner's age, and us wanting a close age gap, we went back to the clinic in December 2013 when our daughter was 6 1/2 months old to commence our first FET. I started all the injections mid-January, and had our embryo transferred 28th February. The embryo had thawed perfectly, and the embryo transfer was straight-forward and went perfectly to plan. We were given today 11th March as our OTD - I lasted until Friday 7th March before doing a test, which came up negative. I wasn't too upset as I knew it was still quite early. However, I did a FRER test yesterday 10dp5dt and it was still 100% negative, so I was kind of prepared for the test this morning to be negative but it didn't really make it any easier. Our clinic doesn't do BETA tests, so I have to accept what the HPT say.

My partner is sad too, but he is being sensible and looking at the fact that we can try again, and we're lucky enough to already have had success originally with the IVF. None of our friends or family know we have had this treatment, only my sister who is of little support as she herself doesn't have children so doesn't understand the yearning I have for another - so I feel very lonely at the moment, and I also feel selfish because I know how fortunate we are to have our 1 child and I love her to pieces, and I know there's so many woman who have had many unsuccessful cycles and probably don't even have their first miracle baby yet - so I feel selfish, which is only making me feel even more down!

We only have enough money left for 1 more FET, so the stress and hopes that will be pinned on that cycle are going to be so intense, and now I can only think of the worst happening again   I come from a fairly big family, and cannot picture my daughter being an only child, as I want her to have the special bond siblings share, as well as the opportunity of becoming an aunty in the future.

Please someone tell me to snap out of this selfish sadness and appreciate what I have got! And anyone who can tell me they had a successful FET story after having a failed FET would help to lift my spirits. I just feel incapable of hoping for a successful cycle at the moment xx P.S. sorry it's such a long story


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## naddie (May 1, 2012)

Hi Melissamummy, sorry you are feeling this way, it is one big roller coaster ride. I too had my little boy back in june 2013 after icsi, and a failed fet in feb, so I understand your feelings. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, but I feel its important to give my little one his own sibling. I am having another fet soon, but this will be my last with my 2 remaining embies. In my opinion, its the luck of the draw, always remember how lucky you have been to get to where you are and enjoy your little. When I was carrying my little boy, he was a twin and when I got my scan that confirmed I had lost one of them, I couldn't enjoy the fact that I was still carrying one, and spent too much time grieving over wot I had lost. Take time to get your head round whats happened, and stay positive if you are planning another cycle. xxx


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## 100480 (Mar 10, 2014)

Hi Naddie, thanks for your reply. It's nice to find someone who understands and is in nearly the exact same situation with regard to having had successful ICSI at the same time, our child's age and when we went for FET. I hope your little boy is as joyful as my daughter  Good luck with your next FET - have you set a date to start your next cycle? We have already decided we wouldn't cope or be able to afford having 2 embies put in incase they both stick, especially as our daughter will be under 2 years old if we do get a successful transfer, so we'll be pinning our hopes on the single one sticking again. I'm sorry to hear that you lost one of your twins, that must be heartbreaking. Let's hope both our rollercoasters end in a good place with our next FET's xxx 
p.s. totally random question, but does your clinic do BETA tests on the OTD? Just all articles I read most women seem to get a blood test to confirm a positive/negative result, and just wondered why my clinic seems to be the odd one out?! I'd so much prefer to have a BETA, as everyone knows the HPT aren't always the most accurate, and I'm sitting here still hoping not to bleed and do another test in a day or 2 and get a positive. At least a blood test would give me closure.. xx


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Hey honey, firstly I'm sorry for the BFN. Don't beat yourself up for feeling selfish because you aren't  

One thing i would say is that Im an only child: parents ttc naturally for 12 years for a sib, but then my mum got cancer and the chance was taken away, though she fought the cancer and won! Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I have the best relationship with my parents. I'm not going to lie, I would have loved a sibling but I don't feel I have missed out on anything. If anything it made me more outgoing and independent: as a child I had to entertain myself, do chores, and just walk up to other kids to make friends because I didn't have a ready made one. I never went through the terrible teens stage like all my friends, and still think my parents are cool. In fact I see them as friends and people, not just parents. I was never spoilt, but I did benefit from being the centre of their affection/attention and we are so very close. I am also very close to my aunties/uncles/grandparents.  

I know that trying for a second is obviously important to you, but if the worst should happen just remember that your child will not be suffering from being an only.

I don't know if that helps, but thought a different perspective would be useful. Wishing you all the best for your next one, but don't put unnecessary  pressure on yourself because your daughter will not lose out.

Xxxx

P.s. I am godmother twice over and an aunty through marriage - but even at 31 Im the baby of my family and always will be!   xxx


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## 100480 (Mar 10, 2014)

Hi Cloudy, thanks so much for your reply. I'm glad it sounds like you have a great family, I guess with myself coming from a big family it's just hard to imagine what it is like being an only child. It's great that you're close to all your family. Unfortunately my daughter wouldn't have the closeness you share with your aunties, etc as my partner doesn't really have any family in his life, and all my family live a long drive away so we don't see them often. I hope we can build a closeness with our daughter like you have with your parents though   and well done to your mum for beating cancer!  xxx


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

Don't feel bad you have every right to feel disappointed, it's a grieving process in itself and can raise very raw feelings that you may have never experienced before x


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## 100480 (Mar 10, 2014)

Thanks Blondie71, they certainly are feelings I've never experienced before. The negative tests when we were TTC were hard enough, but knowing I've lost a perfectly healthy embie that was inside me is so much worse . The clinic probably didn't help because they told me with the original IVF and this FET that they expect it to be positive, so that made me get my hopes up. I'm just trying to keep positive though, and look at our smiley daughter. Next FET will start in a month's time so will try and relax until then xxx


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

I can relate to your situation.

My husband is 10 years older than me and I just had a daughter in January and am already planning my FET because I want her to have a sibling of a similar age.

I feel less desperate to have more than one child because I myself can do girly things with a baby girl, but if I do have another I want it to be asap.

I don't believe it makes you selfish to want a playmate for your child.

You are only young though and your frosties aren't going anywhere. You have time to save up and perhaps a larger age gap is better than no sibling at all xx


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