# Am I being unreasonable?!



## tryinginthestow (Jul 12, 2012)

Please, please let me know if I'm being unreasonable or just plain unhinged  

I saw a friend on Saturday who doesn't know I'm ttc. She asked whether my partner I wanted kids, and I gave my generic brush off 'not right now'. She followed this up with 'but my husband mentioned a couple of years ago that you were trying?' and then looked at me for a response. I said 'errrr... OK', changed the subject and held it together for about 30 seconds, after which I excused myself and went and sobbed in the nearest loo!! Unfortunately, she must have noticed, as I didn't see her again that night but got a text the day after to say 'sorry if I upset you, but I didn't know it was a sensitive subject'. 

I can't help but think - whether it is a sensitive subject or not, that is such an innappropriate thing to say!!!! In fact, given what she was asking, how could it *not* be a sensitive subject?!!! I'm just so cross and it is eating me up inside!! We chatted over text and she basically said it was just an innocent question. I try *so* hard not to be over sensitive, and I feel like she has dismissed my response as an over-reaction. But I think my reaction was a reasonable one, as it was a bang-out-of-order thing to say!! And as far as I remember, I waited until I was safely out of sight before reacting, so it is none of her business anyway!!

Please let me know what you think... maybe I'm missing the point, as does it really matter?!! I can't figure out why I'm so particularly angry about this comment and I'd really like to know how you've managed similar things and what I could do differently next time

xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi tryinginthestow

Aw these situations are so difficult aren't they.  You're not being unreasonable, I expect (if you're like me) you're feeling hurt, frustration, anger and resentment for something that you can't have easily that others appear to get at the drop of a hat.  I obviously don't know your friend and if she is somebody who is usually sensitive or whether she is someone who tends to put her foot in it?!  But, from reading what you've said below it seems to me that it genuinely was an innocent question - that's not to say that the question is acceptable in any way, and people shouldn't go around asking others if they want children (as we all know that that option isn't always as easy as it first seems!), but it sounds like she realised almost immediately that she'd said something out of turn and felt bad for upsetting you, which is why she sent you the text the next day to apologise.  What she should have done of course, after your "not right now" comment is to just leave it there and not follow it up with "but my husband said.....".  Unfortunately people who've never experienced IF will never understand just how difficult and devastating it can be.

I always find that question very difficult too, fortunately I don't get asked "do you want children" very often now, but if people ask me if I already have children I usually just say "sadly not" and then they usually zip it and change the subject!!

Sending hugs   xxx


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## BunnieBW (Oct 25, 2012)

Hi Tryinginthestow,

I agree with Nosilab,  your friend seemed to be concerned but because of what you have been through it can be very difficult to answer these questions.  I had a friend who decided to ask me in front of a lot of people, some friends, some strangers "what's all this about you can't have kids?"  I was caught completely off guard but like you managed to stick to my normal response of we like our holidays and the practice too much.  Firstly I don't know how she knew as my husband and I are very private about our journey and secondly why she thought it was ok to bring it up in such a social place was unbeleivable.

I like to think that she was trying to be a concerned friend but it was highly inappropriate.  I think it makes you angry (and me and most of the women on here who have been through similar things) is that because of what we have been through it teaches us to think about what we say to others, we don't ask those inappropriate questions because we know how hard the answers can be.  We think that everyone should be as sensitive as us but unfortunately they are not.

I hope you are coping with it now and try not to be too hard on yourself, you've been through a lot.

sending hugs x x x


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

Bunnie!! I can't believe your friend said that out loud in a public place in front of everyone!!     Well done for holding it together and keeping your cool.  Totally agree with what you've said to Tryinginthestow.

Trying, hope you're doing ok   xx


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## honeybee80 (Nov 19, 2012)

Hi Hun  massive hug to you 

I don't think your being unreasonable! Honestly some people can be soo insensitive . I have this day in day out where I work on a children's ward of all places! Somehow my Infertility information fell into the hands of a woman that is a massive gossip and she always gives me this look of pity or makes a comment about me not being able to have children!! It used to make me so angry and so upset especially as a lot of the women there are of a child bearing age and I have to sit with them feeling really uncomfortable more upset that people actually know  . I really wish I knew what to say.. I'm hoping it will get easier for us both x


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## tryinginthestow (Jul 12, 2012)

Nosilab, Bunnie and Honeybee, thank you so much for your comments. I can't tell you how much you have helped   I had already mentally given my friend a pointy hat and a broomstick... I have to admit it hadn't even occured to me that she may be concerned but just expressing it in the wrong way. Although it is hard for me to understand her methods, at least it makes my anger go away. A little bit of context and a reality check goes a long way xx Thanks for sharing your experiences - I didn't realise other people had to come with the same thing. Thanks for helping me deal with it better, I wish you all the luck in the world when continuing to deal with similar situations xxx


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## Nosilab (Jun 29, 2011)

xxx


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## tracyl247 (Mar 14, 2010)

Hi tryinginthestow - Does your friend have kids? could she have been trying to start a conversation because she was having difficulty?

Take care

Tracy


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## tryinginthestow (Jul 12, 2012)

That's a really good point Tracy but yes she has two - she conceives just by looking in her partner's direction as it happens, which possibly explains why she is a little out of tune with my situation! ha ha.


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## tracyl247 (Mar 14, 2010)

ah well, looks like she might have just wanted a gossip session.  I am not sure that people who have never experienced infertility really understand the depth of emotions that we go through.  In saying that though we are probably more sensitive about this particular subject than any other,rightly so considering what we need to do to try and become pregnant.  

I think we can be very guarding of what we give away about our fertility or lack of it.  I never really told anybody apart from one very close friend and my sister.  If others asked it was always "no I am going to focus on my carer", after our first failed cycle I was a bit more open and would say that we were having problems as by then I was rather   with all the hormones that I think people were genuinely concerned about by wellbeing     

I suppose because I like being a bit of a devils advocate...... do we really know other peoples fertility status? just because it looks like they have conceived without any issue doesn't mean that is the case    I made a very regrettable mistake in the past about pre judging a situation that caused me and the other person great upset so I am now very aware of what people are saying to me and what I say back.

Although I do wish I had found a man that could just chuck his boxers in the room and hey presto     

Sorry that was a rather long winded post trying to agree that you do indeed have every right to feel annoyed because at the end of the day, it is your feelings about a situation and if it made you uncomfortable or unhappy then that is not unreasonable in anyway.

Take care

Tracy


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## tryinginthestow (Jul 12, 2012)

Thank you Tracy. I am never sure whether to tell people or not. I have close friends in the past who haven't shared anything about their problems ttc, so as a friend I knew something was wrong, but had no idea how best to support that person, which could be upsetting for all involved. So I have tried to be more open... and some days I'm happy with my decision as my friends can be supportive and challenging in a good way... and other days I regret it, when I think no-one understands me and I just want to go and eat worms.   This was a friend who I hadn't shared with, and look what happened there!! I'm sure there is no right answer. xx


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