# Feeling really sad



## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

I’m just feeling really miserable and really need to get it out.

A couple of weeks ago I was doing so well.  I was really feeling happy and confident, I signed up for speed dating in a few weeks and even flirted with a guy.  I was looking forward to trying with donor eggs.  I remember looking at photo of my husband and thinking how proud he would be of me.

Now I totally feel like I’ve crashed and burned.  I feel so awful and miserable and don’t know what to do about it.  I had to go a big family dinner on sun that was all about my SIL’s pregnancy.  And today my real life friend who has been suffering with infertily is pregnant.  I’m happy for her but it means even my female friends who have been told there is little or no chance of pregnancy are now pregnant.  They quit and focused on careers and got pregnant but that just can’t happen for me.  And I’ve a meet up with friends from home on sat whom at least on if not more are bound to be pregnant.  I haven’t hear anything about being matched with a donor yet from my clinic and haven’t had the follow up I was promised from my other clinic after four weeks and four phone calls.

I just keep thinking I should face facts that I am suppose to grow old and lonely with no child or husband.  I should just except that my attempts to improve my life don’t work.  I feel like I should move on like my in laws think I should but I don’t know how.  I’ve only ever wanted to be a mother, everything else is just marking time.  I like my job but even if I went full time it wouldn’t complete me.  I do try to live an active life sometimes to the point I get exhausted and never have time for my home.  I love my niece but I don’t have the sort of relationship where I can pour my love into her and I can’t see having one with my nephew.  I feel like I should stop planning my life as if I hope to be pregnant by XXX time but I can’t.  I can’t stand the waiting.

I just feel so miserable and I don’t know what to do about it.  My councillor I’ve been seeing for years has retired and I didn’t really like my clinic’s councillor.  How can I get my mojo back? I’m so sad.


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

So sorry to hear you're feeling so sad silverbird    

this journey really can take us close to breaking point and to depths we never knew we could travel to. 

of course you're not 'supposed to grow old and lonely with no child or husband', i'm sure you're sick of hearing it, but you do have time, quite a bit of time, especially if you're using donor eggs.  this is one tough journey and it's the travelling that's the killer but once you reach the destination if was all worth it.

it is tough when everyone around is 'popping them out' but, unfortunately there isn't a way of insulating ourselves from that c**p that life throws at us, but it does help to have a plan and a goal in mind to work towards, for me, anyway. have you considered DE abroad? it can be so much quicker and cheaper but, obviously, depends on whether you want ID release etc.

it might not be a bad idea to find a new counsellor as i think we can get 'comfortable' with one we've been seeing for a while. i have recently stopped one on one therapy and am in group therapy which i know i will find challenging but i think things needed to be shaken up a bit and i need to be 'challenged' otherwise i won't face and deal with things. 

'moment by moment is bearable' love, i hope you feel a bit better tomorrow    
GGx


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

also, it's not even a year and a half since you lost your partner and there are no 'shoulds' about bereavement, grief, moving on or anything like that, it's different for everyone and you need to take as long as you need.  if you're not ready to date, don't date, if you're not ready to flirt, don't flirt. do whatever YOU need to do and don't feel pressured by anyone else's ideas about what you 'should' be doing. YOU are the one going through it.

 

GGx


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## Felix42 (Oct 14, 2007)

So sorry that you are feeling so downhearted. You've been through an awful lot and even without that this can be a long and exhausting journey but as GG says it is soooooo worth it. There is a saying that it is the things we don't do that we regret and I'm a firm believer in that. If you truly believe that you want this keep pushing forward slowly and surely and be gentle with yourself in the meantime. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. 

Love and hugs Felix


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks greatgazza and felix,

I know I have time but I'm just so sick of waiting.  I feel bad when I know so many of you have waited longer and gone through more treatments but I'm just so sick of it.  I don't know if I can stand to go through the journey some have.

I am quiet keen on id release and egg share as at least I can help someone else even if it's more money down the drain for me.  I might call my clinic and see whats happening.

I guess I'm just feeling like why do I have so much bad luck, being widowed is bad enough, being infertile is bad enough.  why do I have to deal with both?  although I know others do have it worse.

I really liked my old councillor because she knew where I was coming from.  How would I go about finding a new one?

The thing is last week I really was ready to date and flirt.  I felt great.  I was joking about seeing if I could get a man or a baby first.  I just want to get back to that feeling when I could conquer the world not the mess I am now.

I will keep plodding on, I've no other option really and deep down I know I'm tough.  I just don't feel it now.

Anyway thanks for taking the time to respond.


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Silverbird: I'm sorry you are feeling sad.   It can be really hard. As for dating, my friend who found her husband on Match said to try more than one internet site, and to put different interests in your profile on each one as that way you can perhaps peak someone's interest in a wider way. She said you have to put yourself out there. These were some of her words of wisdom that I am passing on. You are so young! I know you are sick of waiting. Keep calling and trying and researching places. I did get pregnant overseas and am so happy with my baby. I just want to meet someone now. As far as your therapist-can she recommend someone for you? Take care.


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Silverbird   . Sounds like seeing a counsellor would really help, I'd suggest either asking local people who they see or looking on the BACP (British association of counselling) website and finding local people and giving them a call. It's hard starting with someone new but it's often really useful to get fresh insight.


Bingbong x


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## Rach_Honey (Oct 2, 2012)

Hi Silverbird. 
I lost my husband in March of this year, i'm 26 years old. I have never gone through anything so awful in my life, the grief is so raw and real, i do know how you feel xx
Me and my husband froze sperm before he started chemo for cancer, and i'm just starting on my IVF journey now. 
To have infertility issues as well as being widowed is the ultimate kick in the teeth, i'm so sorry you are going through this. Yes i know other people have worse issues in their life, but this has got to be up there with them  
This seems like a lovely forum, i also talk to ladies from the Macmillan forum about general stuff. I've not seen any counsellors (apart from one with the fertility clinic for 1 session!) so cant really comment on them, but i know i feel better after having a good chat xx


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

thanks everyone, I might be able to access a councillor through work I'll look at that.

I posted on your thread too Rachel good luck.  I'm so sorry your in a similiar postiion but glad someone else out there is making the same kind of choices too if you see what I mean.


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

Silverbird, my heart definitely goes out to you. I sort of know how you feel, and it's a horrible feeling. 

All I can suggest is to try to remain positive. Even if everyone else is popping them out, your time WILL come, and the advice I give you is to observe how the joys of pregnancy and motherhood treat those around you and look forward to the moment when YOU get to experience that first hand. 

As for grief, I know it's not the same but I lost my dad very suddenly just after you lost your husband, and I know that the grief just doesn't relent. You will probably feel like you should feel better by now but you shouldn't. You're right in trying to focus on how proud your husband would be of you, so carry on making him proud.

In the meantime, try to find something that you can focus on which makes you happy - even something small, a hobby, something which you don't have to achieve anything by doing. Just something to fill your time, something to focus your thoughts on and something that makes you smile most importantly. 

If you ever need a chat/rant feel free to PM me x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

others have said it all, and more eloquently than I could, so I shall just send both    and positive vibes     your way silverbird
and rachel too (I've also posted on your thread)    
here's hoping you both find peace and happiness soon, whatever form it may take,
 
Suitcase
x


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## silverbird (Aug 8, 2011)

Thanks everyone, feeling a little less bleak today needed to get it out of my system.  Cazy as it sounds I was really starting to beleive that it wouldn't be possible to experince the love of a child or husband (again) and just having someone tell me that I can does help.


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