# Did the process scare you?



## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Hi everyone,

At long last I feel brave enough to post here - not because you scare me    but because we have finally made the decision that we are going to (hopefully) adopt  

So far we have only attended the open information evening - so we are right in the early stages.

I just wanted to ask you all how you felt at this stage.  I have been worrying so much about getting rejected - its taken me so much courage to get to this stage    I am stessing so much about "what ifs" im wondering how im going to cope going through it all.  The information evening was very good and I came home all excited and positive about it - but now im back to fretting    Im hoping once we have had the initial visit from sw I will relax a little more.

It should take about 2 weeks for us to see a sw but then there are no prep groups available till October - so I dont really know if that means we cant do anything till then.

I know that this isnt going to be an easy ride and I fully understand why questions and the processes are in place - but did any of you feel anxious about it all when you first started?  Did the initial sw visit help put your mind at rest?

I so keep thinking that Mothers Day next year I might have something to celebrate and thats what keeps me going.  I was at a party last night surrounded with children and I just sat there taking it all in - how much fun they had - how much fun it was to watch and how wonderful dh was with them.  It tugged a few heart strings I can tell you.

Sorry if you think im being a bit of a wuss - im not usually....honest     But think im going to be in need of these boards quite a bit  

Love

Debs xxx


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## yonny (Mar 5, 2005)

Hi there Debs, thanks for starting this! 
Ive just had my 4th BFN - this morning!!!!   and am beginning to realise I may never have a child of my own
I also want to start the adoption process but have heard some nightmare stories about sw's!!! 
Any tips or advice gratefully received!!
Yonny x


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Yonny   to you hun.

Im sorry to see your news this morning.

Im sure we will get some positive news from the girls on here   and we can start to believe that our dreams will come true  .

Love

Debs xxx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Welcome to this part of the boards! 

You will read some horror stories about adoption BUT there are far to many good stories hopefully that out weigh the bad ones.

On both occasions we've had excellent SW who we still keep in touch with, our first SW we have been in touch with now for 12 years+.

The process is not meant to scare you BUT open you eyes to what may be and what you are hoping to do.

The hardest part of the journey is accepting you will not have your own biological child & grieving for what may have been, which I think your both doing and excepting.

You'll read many a happy story about adoption on here & I hope your not put off to much.............adoption is the best thing I have done & I'm saying this to you both on Morthering Sunday which is a hard day to deal with when you have no children & what you have to hold onto is that with adoption you DO know the outcome and you will be a family & you'll celebrate Mothers day just like I am doing today.

Love
Andrea
xx


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

hey debs

i have recently started the process for fostering so a little different to adoption but i can understand your fears and feelings of 'will i be good enough' as they are perfectly natural feelings to have (or so im told!!   ) We have just had our first initial sw visit and she was here for 3 hours talking through the process and answering our questions etc, it was a lot to take in for the first visit and after she left i felt brain dead!! we have had the weekend to think about what she said and we have been talking about the process and the fact she is going to reccommend we have 2 young siblings or an older child each time and the thought petrifies us but also makes us excited that something is happening at last. 

You will be good enough, you have struggled through IF and got this far so do not underestimate your strength as you will make a fabulous mummy to a prospective little child. You have to keep focused and make sure you and dh talk through how you're feeling at thats one of the key things that will keep you going   

Sorry I cant be much help but wanted to say that your feelings are definitely normal xxx

 jo


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hi there girls

im fairly new to this process too, so welcome   

debs -  i know where you are coming from. we are 8 months down the line, from when we showed original interest and still have days where i think ' this isnt going to work' or 'we are not going to be suitable for adoptin' or 'they wont let us' etc etc i think when we have been thru so much disappointment and let downs trying to have our own kids that its only natural. its good to know im not the only one.   

vonny - im so sorry you got a BFN. hope your ok.  

as i say, im only at the very start so things are all new to me too, but hopefully we will all learn together.

hope everyone is having a good weekend.

lots of love camly xxxx


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## Spaykay (Nov 29, 2006)

Hi Debs! Your fears sound very natural as I have felt them to...really having ups and downs with this!

Yonny darling,  so sorry about your BFN hun, I'm so useless I didn't even realise you were testing today. Hope we can help you over here!

Just to let you know that we've started an Adoption virgins thread if you would like to join us, we're all just starting out over there.

Kay xxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi all

Just wanted to say welcome to you all.  

It's been 4 years since we first started on this road, and I agree that the hardest part was putting IVF behind us. 
The process to start with can be very daunting, and sometimes intimidating, but that's only because to start with, it's the unknown to all of us.

You will hear horror stories about adoption, like most things in life, the worst -case scenerios always get the most publicity. The stories of all the millions of very happy and contented adopters, don't get shown.
Well, I for one, can confirm that the happier stories can and certainly do happen!

Meeting your sw for the first time can be nerve-wracking, but like any relationship that we make in our lifes, it takes time to develop that trust and friendship with your sw.
One thing to remember, is that your sw is on your side. They need to get to know you inside out, to be able to evenutually find your child.

Adoption has given me the only thing that I had ever dreamed of becoming. A Mum.
I can't recommend it enough!!

Best of luck of your journeys. It is well worth the waiting!!


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Debs

Firstly Welcome to the adoption boards- so happy you have posted

As you know we have gone through the adoption process and i enjoyed it- sort of found it therapy in a way as we had to talk over everything and anything! (and my SW will tell you i talked for england!) 

Yes the process scared me to start with- i cleaned the house from top to bottom for our initial visit, when we went to prep i felt nervous however so does everyone else (our SW said everyone on day one looks like the rabbit caught in the headlights) however i never ever got myself in a state before a SW including panel like i used to before going to clinic about tx.

We have a fantastic SW who we get on really well with and she has helped us so much including through writing letters for us to do with a house move.

I think you need a great SW as you need to feel 100% comfortable talking to as you talk about very personal things.

I know our LA has a 6month wait before prep at the mo however we were lucky as we were ment to go on the April prep after our screening visit in the Jan however someone dropped out of the Feb one so we got their place (maybe worth saying you are able to jump in if someone drops out- if thats poss for you with work)

Best wishes

M J
xxx 

PS ment to say today is the first mothers day where i havent cried or hidden- i have cooked lunch for my inlaws and even took a prep friend shopping in mother care yesterday as she hasnt got a clue what she needs to buy/look for when buying


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Debs,

Welcome to the Adoption board    It's lovely to see you here.

I think it's only natural to feel scared, when you start out on a new journey.  I'm sure you will be just fine, just take each step as it comes.

Wishing you lots of luck  

Love Laine xx


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi,

I would also like to  welcome you both to this board and wish you luck in your journey.  I found the process a positive one and we had a lovely social worker she was an agency one and we had a different one after we had been approved who was and still is equally as nice.  What I enjoyed was knowing that after each visit etc we were one step further to fulfilling our dream. If you read my signature it says I have been extremely lucky and fortunate to have a birth child, however my dh has never experienced this and wanted it very badly, for him he found it hard moving from tx to adoption but seeing him now with our gorgeous little girl who was placed with us in november makes it all worthwhile.

Most social workers are lovely and supportive and want it to happen for you after all thats there job!! but they also have to be extra vigilent I guess given that these children have more that likely suffered or not been looked after as they should so it is crucial they are placed in a loving stable environment, I used to remind myself of this when we were asked obvious or intrusive questions.

Dont be put off by a couple of my posts about our little girls social worker I'm fairly sure you will be fine.

Good luck and all the best to you both

Dawnxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Debs

I can still remember feeling scared after the info evening.  Must paint a pretty bleak picture and the prep courses are designed to give you ALL the info, good and bad, about all the issues that these children can face.  What kept me going was the knowledge I could back out at anytime, I wasn't going to be left with a child that I couldn't cope with but mainly that I would get to be a Mum.

We enjoyed our prep course and made some good friends which we have stayed in touch with.  It was draining and sad at times but it also hit home how right adoption was for us.  The home study was good to, we have a really nice sw and you really look into your life in ways you'd never thought of before.

We were approved in September and I had many 'wobbles' when I was sure they would turn us down, not for any rational reason but just because we had been so unlucky with ivf, there was no way we could be lucky with adoption!  Now we are at the start of a potential match having already had to turn one down.  It has filled us with excitement and we are eager to move forward but there is also part of me that wonders whether I will be good enough, whether the child will like me and before that whether the SW will decide she doesn't like us afterall!  

Initially the scared feeling is due to the 'unknown' but then I think it moves on to another level as you realise just how important it is to you.  I don't mean you feel scared all the time but, maybe it was just me?, at key points like them accepting your application form, approval panel, meeting children's sws, matching panel and then meeting the child(ren).

Overall though I think its the best thing we have done and in many ways I wish we had come to it earlier.  Today was a good day for us, previous Mothering Sundays have been hard due to not having a family, now I feel like its just a matter of time rather than if.

Good luck, am sure you'll be fine.
Love
OT x


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Thank you everyone for your replies  

I hadnt thought about linking it to all the failures we have had with tx so maybe your right - im just expecting complications and negative results as thats what im used to.

I do feel a bit more positive tonight - im glad I took the plunge and posted.  

I said to MJ earlier what a wonderful area you have all built in here.  Im glad im part of it and I pray to God that next year we are all well on the way if not already celebrating Mothers Day as we want to  

Thanks again for helping me today  

Love

Debs xxx


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## Spaykay (Nov 29, 2006)

we're all here together to our happy ending! The offer of joining the 'adoption virgins' still remains!

Kay xxx


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## yonny (Mar 5, 2005)

Thank you girls for all the posts - it helps to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel! 
Well done once again debs for voicing my ( and probably others!) feelings! 
Kay, sweetie, I will definitely see you over there also as Im sure debs will as well!
yonny x


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