# Feeling Lonely



## rach:) (Feb 25, 2005)

Hello  
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 4 years. DH diagnosed with azoospermia (sertoli cell only) 2004. After going round and round in circles we embarked on our 1st DIUI Nov05 which was BFN. Due to the severe lack of CMV -tive donors at that time, we decided to stop Rx and pursue adoption. To cut a long story short (beaurocracy and ineptness of our agency ) we have been forced into the position of reviewing all our options and have decided to give fertility treatment another go, particularly as the donor situation has improved, and we never really gave it a good go in the first place!

We both feel like a weight has lifted and much happier, but at the same time I feel quite lonely. A lot of my friends and family have children or are pregnant and I kind of feel like I don't fit in a lot of the time. I've certainly drifted away from friends who have children, and I don't feel like it's just me not making the effort - I think they find it difficult once baby comes along. They enter a new stage in their life - a new club-and the commonalities diminish.  

Is there any one else local to Woking experiencing similar situation/feelings? 

Rachx


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## Nibbles (Jan 10, 2006)

Hi Rach, I'm sorry to hear about your story and I certainly know how you are feeling even though my situation is a little different  

DH and I tried for 4 years before we finally stroke lucky. He has low motility and I suffer from endometriosis, high FSH and abnormal antibodies. Not a good mix  
Our consultant basically said we could not conceive a baby together the natural way. We were advised to go straight down the ICSI route rather than trying IUI, and as you can see from my history it took 4 goes. We set ourselves a target of 4 fresh cycles so we were nearing the end of the road and I had pretty much started to accept that it might never happen. 
In the 4 years we were trying ALL of our friends got pg, some even 2 or 3 times  , and that was very hard. Everyone elses life moved on while we were at a permanent standstill - that's how it felt. Like you I felt excluded form the "special club", it was like my friends could no longer talk to me once they had their babies  
Although personally I always found their pregnancies harder than after their babies were born, it was like that pregnancy announcement was a stab in the back every time  
I was looking into adoption as that has always felt like a good way of having a family, but DH wanted to exhaust EVERY other option first including sperm donation if necessary, so we trudged on.

I think it's really important to try to stay strong, take time for yourselves, cherish the relationship, remember why you're doing this (never lose sight of the goal!) and perservere. But at the same time I would always advise to set yourself a limit because otherwise you risk spending years and a fortune and that could ruin lots of other good things in your lives. 

I wish you all the luck in the world, and that you soon find a suitable donor! Which clinic are you at? We had all our tx at Woking Nuffield and I can highly recommend it. 

And don't forget, you are NOT alone - loads of people are in the same or a similar situation - they just don't talk about it. We have always been very open about our struggles but many aren't and it's amazing what you find out once you start "confessing" to people. My old colleague who I worked with for 7 years has three children all conceived by IVF. I had no idea until very recently. My old boss adopted a girl from China, before that they had tried IVF three times. One of DH's friends tried for years and eventually conceived 2 girls by IUI. I could go on and on....

Lots of   and   to you and DH for your new journey!!!


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## rach:) (Feb 25, 2005)

Thanks Nibbles,
We are certainly in a much better place and much stronger than when we had our first DIUI as we were still both coming to terms with our "loss". So much so that we have both been able to contemplate (for a few seconds!) what life would be like without children. We would never have been able to even let that slip into our minds a few years ago! 

I totally agree about setting a limit-we've always said whatever route we decide will not be at all costs. That's one of the reasons we decided to go down the adoption route - we didn't want to get stuck on the infertility Rx treadmill! Ironically here we are again, but this time our clinic has a programme which, when we get to the top of the list, will enable us to have treatment over successive months, rather than having treatment one month and then trying to hunt down sperm for another go, which could mean a gap of 6 months or so - that was the most stressful part, particularly as DIUI has a lower success rate than IVF or ICSI.

Our first DIUI was at the Woking Nuffield. They were great but didn't have any CMV -tive sperm and they advised us to move to a London clinic which is not so convenient!

We have been open with friends and family from day 1. Last time I had a colleague and friend having IVF at the same time as me and that was really helpful. She now has a baby and has distanced herself, despite efforts on my part!   Oh well, chin up. I'll be fine - just having a crappy week!

Thanks again Nibbles and all best wishes for your pregnancy  

Rach


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## Ciara A (Feb 26, 2007)

Hello Rach! 

I am in the same situation with my hubby - in that he has azoospermia too.  We are going down the DIUI route too - we have our first appointment with the Bridge next Tuesday (using ESH as the satellite clinic)

DH has know for approx 8/9 years that he couldnt have children of his own (married before and its the reason they split up) - so when we met he was very open with me and therefore I have had a long time to come to terms with it too (we are together 5 1/2 years now) - its daunting and exciting at the same time that we are starting this new journey next week.

I am here for a chat anytime Rach and similarly it would be nice to hear from you on your views of The Bridge and your DIUI experience.  

Take care 
Ciara. X


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## rach:) (Feb 25, 2005)

Hi Ciara,

How exciting for you both! 

We've found the Bridge to be good so far. We were orginally with Woking Nuffield (back in 2005); as a smaller unit it felt more personable, but on the other hand they had no sperm and there was a long wait to get an initial consultation in the first place! The Bridge is a much bigger clinic - you probably end up seeing more different people, but they've all been really nice   We are on their donor share W/L for treatment at the Bridge. 4 weeks ago it was a 6week wait(!) which is likely to be longer as we need a CMV negative match   , but to be honest we've got so used to the waiting game that we are pretty laid back about it at the mo.

It's great to have a link with someone who is at the same clinic, also having DIUI. We can compare notes! Have you had all your prelim tests done yet? I guess it could be pretty quick for you guys if you are off to Denmark?

Hope it goes really well on Tues! Let us know how you get on!

Rachx


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## Ciara A (Feb 26, 2007)

Hi again Rach,

Yes am very excited for appt tomorrow - we know that we have to be there for 3 hours - first appt is a New Referral Meeting, then meeting the Nurse and then to meet the Prof (unpronounceable surname!) - very excited about it.  Will let you know how we get on.  Not sure what prelim tests have to be done I suppose we will find out tomorrow.  I had the day 21 bloods etc done in May and then had a lap & dye done in June and an ultrasound scan as well.  

As for going to Denmark - yes it could be quick I suppose as there doesnt seem to be a wait for the sperm donors there but then I am not sure about what we need to do with The Bridge / ESH before we go (or maybe we will just be able to go soon - as I said it will all come clear tomorrow i suppose!)

I hope you arent going to be waiting much long for your match - I will say a little prayer for you and DH.  

Maybe when the times comes (please god) for the two of us,we may even end up as cycle buddies, I am always here for a chat anyway!! (love to talk me!!)

Take care and I will be in touch again on Wednesday. 

C. X


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## rach:) (Feb 25, 2005)

Hello Ciara,
Thinking of you today for your first appointment! Hope it goes really well, and you are able to get going with treatment asap!

Yes, lets hope we can be cycle buddies   

Looking forward to finding out how you got on  

lol
Rachx


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## Ciara A (Feb 26, 2007)

Hi again Rach,

Well we had the appointment with The Bridge. Havent really been able to log on since Tues cos its been really busy in work. 

We thought that The Bridge were lovely - we met with Dr Immarone and then the Nurse and then The Professor G (whatever his name is) and they were all really nice. Very helpful and "indepth" as well.

Basically I need to have the prelim blood tests done (HIV, Hep B,C etc) and then we have to have a counselling session because of using a donor and then we need to give the clinic the details for the donor (ie hair colour eye colour, blood group etc) and once the clinic in Denmark has a match for us (which doesnt take long apparently) then we are set to go whenever we decide to go. My next cycle would be due around the time that my Mam is due over from Dublin so its not going to happen in October. Also because we want to get the extension finished and sorted etc and see where we are with our savings etc so we have decided to wait until Nov / Dec to go with it. Either way we are good to go and its just when *we * decide the time is right. Its great to know that we are nearly there now. On the basis that I am ovulation ok, we are going with an unmedicated cycle and we will just test with the smiley kits every morning till the day comes and then we need to book our flights when they tell us we are good to go and fly to Denmark the very next day. Dont know how I will wing that one with work!! (might have to pull a sickie!)

Anyway gotta run here Mrs -talk soon,

C. XXX


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## rach:) (Feb 25, 2005)

Hi Ciara,

Really glad the appointments went well on Tues and very exciting that it could all be happening quickly 

I had to get all my prelim tests done again as they had expired (!) but i managed to get most of them done through my GP which was helpful. The implications couselling is fine - the counsellor - Pip (male) was very good. I don't imagine we will be cycling before Nov/Dec at the earliest. We are going for a medicated (with clomid) this time round, to up the chances, even though I am ovulating ok. I might ring them next week to check out the latest on the W/L front.

Danish sperm is supposed to be very good. Actually I think most places are better, in terms of quality, than UK sperm! You are going to be on such a high - perhaps you should keep it quiet from work - makes it even more exciting!

Good luck with all the blood tests.

Keep me updated!

Rachxx


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## Ciara A (Feb 26, 2007)

Hi again Rach,

Am having my blood tests done next monday and the GP rang me this week and confirmed that the surgery will cover the costs of them which is great as they are costly enough at The Bridge.  Helen in Dr O's office said to ask and see what they said so as they say if you dont ask, you dont get!!

Then our counselling appt with Pip is on the wednesday.  We have filled our in "donor" sheet and will drop that into them on the wednesday when we are there.  

DH recently lost his job (unfair dismissal it looks like) so we are playing the waiting game too at the moment as we have decided to use a solicitor to take it further.  Very stressful and worrying times ahead for us - so we have decided that it will be Nov/Dec at the earliest too when we will start our cycle.  

Our extension wont be finished until end of Oct anyway (originally supposed to finish at the end of Aug!!  ) ) so we would rather get that out of the way as well.  

Isnt this sunshine just fab fab fab - long may it last!

Take care for now.

C. X


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## rach:) (Feb 25, 2005)

Hello Ciara,

Great news about the freebie blood tests - you're right they are soooo expensive at the Bridge! The counselling session is fine - Pip is lovely.

Sorry to hear about your husbands job situation-what a bummer. I think you are wise re. waiting til stressors have eased.

I rang the Bridge last week to find out about the waiting list - we're 36th! Sounds horrendous, but the nurse said she estimated another mths wait. I started the mind body programme at the Bridge last week and met another girl who said the list goes down pretty quickly, so fingers crossed!

Hope your appointments go well this week  

lol
Rachx


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## Ciara A (Feb 26, 2007)

Hi again Rach,

Sorry its been really busy in work and just havent had a moment to log on and reply back to you!!  

Well got the bloods done on Mon morning - have to wait 2 weeks for the results, then I took a half day for this avo's appt with pip and I was looking through my Bridge folder last night and realised that the appt was actually supposed to be YESTERDAY avo!! Feel terrible for missing the appt but phoned this morning and all was ok and another appt has been arranged for Next week instead! I blame it all on the fact that we still have our builders on site (since May!) we are having a big extension done and the whole house is being gutted as well and its at the really messy stage now and we have had to move in with parents in law for the last two weeks - I am stressed out and that is what is making me have mushy brain!! (am also quite stressed cos of DHs job etc but thats another story!!)

Thats good news re the waiting list - hopefully you will fly up that list and it will be your time soon enough!! Fingers crossed.  

No other news really - coming up for our 2nd wedding anniversary in 2 weeks time, cant believe that time flies by so quick!!

Take care for now.

C. XX


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## rach:) (Feb 25, 2005)

Hello Ciara  

Sorry, I haven't been on here for ages!  

How did the bloods go and the re-arranged appointment with Pip (!) ? 

Any news on DH's job front? I hope things have settled down and you are feeling less stressy - I can emphasise fully on the extension front!

Have you had your anniversary yet? If not, hope you are able to so something special  

No other news on my front - haven't heard any more on the w/l front. Enjoying mind-body course though!

Rachx


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