# feelings of sorrow please advise.



## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Hi
I am going through a new cycle this year and should be feeling positive and hopeful but go through.moments of awful.sorrow and wondered if anyone could kindly give me any tips to get into a better place. I feel grateful to be able to have a donor egg cycle but get tearful too often. Maybe it is all the meds,but feel down. Any help would really be appreciated.


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## Lolisita (Aug 24, 2015)

Hi, 

First of all big hug   so sorry you are feeling like this, I know exactly how you feel, fertility treatment isn't easy and does affect your mood because of all the drugs.Try to stay positive and imagine a positive outcome.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

I think the thing that helps me the most is accepting that I actually don't need to be positive. It doesn't affect the outcome and wether I think it will or wont work really hasn't got any impact. I just let myself feel however I feel, rather than fighting the natural emotions. By not fighting how you feel I think it makes things easier, it reduces anxiety and takes the pressure off. If you need to cry, or be happy, or feel scared, or just want to forget about it, then do whatever takes your fancy. Sometimes you need to let yourself be distracted too: For me that's (decaf) lattes, cake, films and books! And you cant beat a but of trash TV!  

Good luck and whatever you do, don't beat yourself up or add pressure on yourself: Not because it will affect the outcome, but because you are already going through a tough time without adding to it.

Xxx


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## maire2012 (Feb 9, 2012)

DreamingofBFP just wanted to give you a big hug and wish you luck. Ivf can be emotionally draining.


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Thank you all. I feel I have true friends on this forum and really appreciate your support. I just trying not to think about the big picture especially if this cycle does not work.


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## Angedelight (Aug 17, 2012)

Hi
I'm the same, moments of positivity then moments of feeling very upset, bitter and negative. We start our cycle next month. Like someone else said, there's no way you can be positive all of the time. I guess knowing there's ups and downs and the low points will pass is helpful. Today I've deleted social media from my phone for headspace as its full of new baby posts from a friend. Look after yourself and do what keeps you feeling ok and helps you to try and be positive. 
A x


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## Bax (Feb 25, 2015)

This whole journey can be horrible - sending you  

Does your clinic offer counselling?  I went to see a councillor under sufferrance - I really didn't think I needed it - and it helped me understand my feelings a bit better.  I don't think it will change the way you're feeling, but it might help you see how to keep your head above water xx


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## Leenaj (Aug 12, 2015)

hi ladies 
Im not sure what I can say about positivity. I'm undergoing my first cycle. I felt really good when I started it in  December, but these last 2 days I feel rubbish - not sure if its the drugs, but I don't feel positive , and I hate feeling like this. DH says if I think bad thoughts, bad thoughts will turn into reality and this in turn then definitely makes me feel worried. I feel like I'm carrying a massive weight on my shoulders which I cant tell anyone - not even my mum because I feel like a failure. I think why didn't I try for a baby earlier, (I know im not really old, but still I could have found out about my fertility problems and started this IVF malarkey earlier), why do I have only decent tube and then DH have rubbish morphology. have a horrible black cloud over me with what if this doesn't work..then what....only thing that DH said to me last night was just hang in there, so maybe that's my advice too, it made me feel a tiny bit better......


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## Bax (Feb 25, 2015)

Leenaj, it's absolutely normal to feel that way in a cycle.  I've found that you start to feel more like yourself (physically and mentally) when you get to EC and the drugs stop building up.  I love your DH's advice - just hang in there!  It's all we can do on this journey xx


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

This really is the fight of our lives and we need to keep going to give it be best shot we can. I guess for me the most stressful part if all the uncertainly. when you are in your teens and early twenties you think you have all the time in the world but I so wish with all my heart that I know the facts about the percentages as we get to each stage of our lives. I cannot understand why the government or powers that be ensure that all women have that knowledge to save us from all this heartache when we are trying at different age groups. knowledge is power and I feel sick that I did not try at a younger age. this is what is causing me so much pain and agony now and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't think any amount of counceling for me is going to put thinks right, it is a rollercoaster that i cannot get off from and my poor dh is on it with me which is a journey without any guarantees only hope.
i wish all my friends on here total good luck with their cycles and peace in your spirit that we are doing all we can to get there.xxx


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## Victoria38 (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi dreamingofBFP,

I just wanted to say I completely understand how your feeling. I too have massive regrets that I didn't try for a family sooner and I also feel angry that fertility age awareness hasn't been put out there, people really don't have the education. I am sick fed up of hearing people say how I can easily get a baby at my age   this couldn't be further from the truth and if I could turn back time I would have had a baby much sooner as well as freeze my eggs, it hurts I cant turn back time.

However I have excellent chance of having a baby threw ED which I am going to embrace and I truly believe that if it works I wont love it any less than if it were my OE. It really is a wonderful option and it makes me smile to think there are hearts of gold out there who want to help make our dreams come true  

I think cloudy has given you great advice. I strongly believe we should allow ourselves to feel what ever we feel rather than fight against it. You cant make feelings go away and you cant push them under the surface. You don't have to accept and be happy with whats happened, you have the right to feel sad. Wishing you lots of luck we your ED Xxx


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## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Many thanks. I do feel very scared about where I will be if DE does not work either. I had slot of trauma after the failed own egg cycle. I felt a but written off by the clinic because being over forty the feeling was like what do you expect. I think not being able to use your own  egg hurts whether you are 16 or 60. The emotions are still the same. I think these clinics must deal with slot of ladies in the forties and are so used to the donor option speech that they don't care about the person anymore. I am a human being not just a profit margin and I cannot believe how badly people get treated by these businesses
I makes me feel so devastated that I have no choice but to trust these people with emotional and physical wellbeing without any guarantees for the fees charged


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi girls

Just wanted to send you all a collective  

This business is certainly no joke and I too have had my fair share of heartache with failed cycles and losses. So I completely understand where you're all coming from.

After my fourth attempt which ended in a chemical pregnancy I felt as all you do - lost, angry, sad beyond words, and so consumed by longing it took my breathe away. I couldn't stand to look at my reflection; so angry was I with my useless body. I had a full-on panic thinking about my fifth and final attempt and the pressure for it to work was just immense.  I was scared of everything - new drugs, expensive tests, how my DH would cope and, most importantly, how I could stand to let go of the dream to have my own child. 

I tried lots of ways to reduce my anxiety and stress but the thing that absolutely worked for me was hypnotherapy. It completely changed my life! It gave me back control over my feelings and put me back in the driving seat. Suddenly it was shown to me that I had choices - I didn't have to put us through tx again if I didn't want to and that realisation alone took the pressure off at once. I had a total of 6 sessions over six months and I can't recommend it highly enough. Of course it's not for everyone but what was so great about it was that it revealed things in my subconscious mind that I didn't even know I felt (I needed more healing than I'd realised!). I had some counselling from my clinic but in my experience hypnotherapy was far more healing and effective. I would certainly recommend my lady (based in Cambridge) and would advise anyone interested in this type of therapy to look around to find the right person whom they trust as it does require you to lay yourself bare (not literally  ) It was intense at times and I cried more than once but at the same time it had this amazing freeing quality that was totally unexpected. Although I had 6 sessions, by the 3rd I was already 'cured'. Amazing!! 

Fast forward a year off from tx and 6 months of hypno sessions and I've got a completely different mind set. I'm pumped full of drugs (10 different ones in total!) but feel the most relaxed I've ever felt before a transfer. I'm approaching my final try with a 'what will be, will be attitude' which I never thought possible. Don't get me wrong, I'll be devastated if it fails but my hypnotherapy has given me the tools to accept and move on without regrets if that second line fails to materialise (or my frosties refuse to warm back up). 

Three pieces of advice my hypnotherapist gave which really helped me were:

1) don't get hung up about the percentages and statistics for your age group. In the end we all have a 50/50 chance - it will either work or it won't.
2) you have a choice and you are in control of the process (even if it doesn't always feel that way). It's your body and you alone have the right to control what drugs you put into it and when it's time to say 'enough'. Don't let drs tell you to do xyz if your heart is saying 'no'. Gut instinct goes a long way to keep us sane and stress-free!
3) none of us have the  power to influence life or death, not even our Drs. So no matter what we do and how we try to influence the outcome, it really is out of our hands. I personally found this advise liberating after agonising for months over whether to take drugs I didn't feel happy taking and couldn't afford but felt I had to in case I wasn't doing enough. I perhaps should add here that my hypnotherapist was a cancer survivor so very much believed in the hand of fate. I do too but I appreciate not everyone does. 

Anyhow, just a few little bits of knowledge I've learnt as an 'old-timer' which I hope give you some comfort. This is undoubtedly a hideous journey but we should feel proud of ourselves that we're giving it our all (even if oftentimes nearly destroying ourselves in the process). 

Stay strong ladies - remember, happy endings don't always come in the form we hope or expect, but that doesn't mean we can't find happiness in another way when all this pain of IF is behind us.  

Take care all and good luck on your respective journeys  

x


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## pdk (Oct 29, 2013)

@ Hopefulshell : This thread along with your postings helped me a lot.  Your Quote "When dreams don't come true, dream anew", gives some   thoughts in this hard path. Thanks a lot 
{ Today i was again going back to -ve thoughts, so kept looking at posts on mobile at work } 

Goodluck to all


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