# Meeting birth mother



## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

Hi Ladies,

I am after some advice. We are hopefully going to be matched to a little boy in a few weeks and the sw has encouraged us to meet the birth mother whist bridging   
Is this normal? I have to say dh and I are very apprehensive. The sw's say its good for the little one as they grow up to know we have met etc.... I am already so anxious about everything!!!

Thanks ladies.
Jacks


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi Jacks
We were also told we would meet the birth parents same week as intros, need to talk to my SW about this as I'm not sure it's a good idea doing it the same week. I'm a bit apprehensive too but I guess if it's in the LO's interests? Just have no idea what to expect!
Would be good if any of you who have done this can give us an idea of what to expect? Ta!
Good luck with the matching panel, ours is on monday! 
p x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

I have met with BM and for us it was a positive experience which I am glad we did, However, I strongly advise you to get the date of the meeting changed to after placement.  
Birth family do not know when introductions are for obvious reasons. 
Legally the placement order can contested up until the child is 'placed', so if you're meeting with the birth family during intro's they then know that that is there last chance so to speak and could potentially delay things.
The meeting however I strongly recommend


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

Thanks Ladies,

P good luck Mon our is on Weds, hope it goes well. Have to say I am a little nervous, let me know how it goes   

Thanks Wynnster, I had no idea that the placement order can be contested at this stage.  I shall have a chat to my SW and see what she says. Thanks for the positive feedback re the meet though, I was thinking it would be easier before due to trying to arrange childcare etc afterwards and "getting it out of the way" but maybe I am wrong hey!

Jacks


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

Hi P,

How did it go

Jacks x


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi Jacks!
It went well thanks, a resounding yes so all systems go, meeting him on tuesday, so excited!! 
Looks like the BM meeting may be on hold for a while as apparently she is not answering her phone and is not doing so great understandably at the moment, so maybe not till the future which is actually fine with me as was going to be too emotional next week anyway.
Good luck tomorrow!!!!! xx


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## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

We are being encouraged to do this in the future but to be honest, I am not comfortable. Initially i was because I thought it would help me understand where the children have come from but due to the nature of their case, other factors have come into play (namely security) that means we are saying a 'not now. maybe in the future at some point' .....I would take LOTS of advice as to the point of the meeting for all parties, the benefits, the negatives and be aware of any safeguarding issues.....I think it depends case to case but if you are not comfortable, say so. xx


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

P that's great news!!!!!! we for approved too just have to wait for confirmation but hopefully will meet him in less than 2w. V exciting.

Iman I understand how you feel its such a tough call isn't it. Thanks for the advice.

Still not sure what we are doing yet. Birth mother seems to be difficult to get hold of too...

xxx


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Hi jrrrh
Well apparently we may meet them next week after all. I am a bit livid because we meet our LO tomorrow and apparently as they were unable to get hold of the parents last few weeks they are having their final contact on wednesday   . So we don't get to see him wednesday now which is very annoying! And delays us bringing him home for a day next week, not that fussed about that but really don't want to meet them next week. And my sister (she's a GP) says that she would not meet them at all for security reasons and I must say I am a bit worried about that too and don't really know what the point of meeting them is really. They only ever lived with LO for 3 months and will have the letterbox once a year anyway so don't see what it will achieve. Think I need to talk to SW tomorrow.
But very excited about tomorrow anyway!


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

Hi we met with the birth mother and for us it was a very possitive experience

Hubby has always struggled to empathise with bp's and this really helped him see her as the fragile, hurt person she is 

We have photos and have enough info to have  conversations with kitten when she gets older. I feel that it is invaluable as by the time our lo's are old enough to ask questions and to have a potential need to know about there biologicals the sw's ect wont be around who dealt with the bps. I feel that we are in a far better place now to answer things. 

We are also doing letterbox contact and I think it should help "fingers crossed" as we will now know a little more about who we are writing to and we also asked what type of info she wanted to recieve. 

Our court order is due to come through in the next couple of weeks and so far bp's have not contested and the sw feels that this is because bm feels comfortable with us as kittens parents and knows that we will look after her and love her. BM said that she could see at the meeting that I was just bursting to be a mum.....

One word of warning though as we found that the sw's didnt manage the meeting particulary well and as a medically trained person it was left really to me to manage and to reasure and calm bm. She was hysterical and it took all my skills to stop her crying...... I would recommend that you discuss with both your and the childs sw who is to lead the meeting and if need be give your questions to the sw to ask 

It is a hard and scary thing to do but I think really worth it

Good luck over intros and enjoy every second


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

panorama said:


> don't really know what the point of meeting them is really. They only ever lived with LO for 3 months and will have the letterbox once a year anyway so don't see what it will achieve.


i think you might be missing the point here..hopefully your SW will help you become more informed as to the benefits of a one off meeting..i think curvycat has made some really great points..esp the bit about knowing who you are writing to...it helps so much to think about them as real people with real feelings...and they give you so much more insight than the paperwork ever will..and if you are lucky enough to have a photo its a great thing to be able to show your children at a later date

good luck with it all

kj x


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

Thanks ladies for your comments. We have agreed to do it and are trying to think of it as a positive thing. Fingers crossed.

xx


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## jrhh (Feb 6, 2006)

Well ladies,

We met her and I have to say after feeling so nervous it went really well. I ended up feeling such empathy for her and feel it will help tell our new precious boy  as much as we can about her. 
I would def recommend it 

xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I'm so glad it worked out for you, jrhh.


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## panorama (Feb 7, 2005)

Glad it went well, I met both parents too and also felt it helped, think it helped them too. Was very emotional but I think will be worth it for when he grows up xx


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## Guest (Aug 3, 2011)

Glad you found the meeting useful - for us it was one of the most valuable meetings we had, even if I was pretty apprehensive beforehand.

Bop


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