# Work stress!!



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls, how do you cope with work? I have been down since January ,coming out of it slightly now but i find it really hard to cope in work sometimes.

I suppose last year was the worst as i took extra time off after my failed treatment.I have had a couple of days off this year when things get on top of me but am doing ok i suppose.

This morning i had my yearly appraisal meeting with my principal and vice principal- i am a head of department.I was only given notice of this on friday at 2.oo and meeting was this morning so had to make sure had all my minutes together over the weekend.I was annoyed at that but did manage to subtly make my point while at the meeting.

I took on this job 2.5 years ago and it is really only giving me £1000 extra a year but for a lot of hard work!! I dont like the administrative side of it - although i am an organised person it is hard to do this and teach my classes well.Last year a member of dept was off and due back in Jan when i had planned to do my first iui. She didnt come back til June  and we went ahead with treatment - i was so stressed that no wonder it didnt work!Thats when i took a month off May/ June last year.

As well as that i have a woman in my dept(who used to be in charge but moved on to another post) who is a complete control freak and keeps running to the vp to ask to do certain things without going to me.Now he has spoken to me about this today. The thing is that i didnt really want this job in the first place and felt forced into this. With my continued problems with fertility i really dont enjoy it and feel that i would at least be less stressed in one area of my life if i gave it up.

I have spoken to dh about this but he thinks i feel like this because of the stress of if and i will deal with it all eventually.I know i am not really a manager as i am really not assertive enough and i feel i have enough to deal with in my personal life without work too.

As i mentionned in an earlier post it has got to the stage where i am "secretly" planning to go part time and working out how much i could live on without making dh pay all the mortgage. The thing is i dont know if i would even be given part time work as a lot of teaching jobs are being lost.As i teach languages and these are going optional gain soon i am not at all sure they would give me part time.

I hate feeling stressed out- any ideas?


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hi

just wanted to say that my dh is a teacher and it was hard enough for him to get time off when we were have investigations and treatment so i can totally understand how stressful it must have been for you going through tx and doing that job!  
The reason I gave up nursing originally was to give myself a break from the stress of IF and my shifts and heavy workload on top if that, i planned on taking a six month "career break" and started a part time job (19 hours a week) at our new central library , that was 5 years ago this october and im still there! I can honestly say it was the best thing i ever did with regards to work. I know im very lucky to have been able to take a pay cut and we are still financially ok but if you are able to cut out some of your workload then i recommend it  
If any of us can do something to cut out some of the stress then its got to be a good thing 

Not really sure if im helping but just wanted to say i understand 

love
suzie xx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Irish Eyes,

I too have given up work ........ completely!!  Thankfully, I have a very supportive husband who saw how stressed I was getting in my job last summer (no time to eat, couldn't sleep, worried sick about targets, lugging alot of heavy equipment around my appointments etc etc)

I can honestly say its been 6 months now and although I feel lonely sometimes, I dont regret it as I am CHILLED out.  SKINT, but chilled out and relaxed which is more important.  I still felt "lonely and isolated" at work too re IF issues so its really no different.  I just make myself get out to see friends when I feel like this.

Hubby pays the bills and we dont have alot to play with but I reckon at this point in our lives, this is more important.  I can always get another job later.

If you can afford to do it then I would say go for it.  As far as I'm concerned, it's well worth being skint if you're happier and more relaxed and who knows what may happen when you're relaxed ..................!!

Maybe sit down and explain to your DH just how this is affecting you and chat through your options of going part-time?  I always think it doesnt matter how much money you earn ...... you could always do with more anyway, you never have enough!!

Good luck hun,
Gil xo


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## Wendy K (Sep 26, 2005)

Hi Irish Eyes,

We've never talked before but I was working in a fairly stressful job, but I loved working with patients and thrive on getting things done. Then a retail manager came in and with  no regard for patient care and staff,  all the mattered was targets and that you managed to sell the most expensive lenses and specs ( I won't sell someone specs if they don't need them and I certainly won't make them buy expensive lenses if they don't actually need them). She single handedly managed to see off 16 staff many who had been there years and were dedicated to making sure the practice had a good and professional reputation and cared about their patients.  I had been working with the company for 14 years and at that practice for 5, I was requested  (told) to take over customer concerns (they were getting a lot more now!!) and after a while  I started  getting fed up and stressed so decided to go part-time my dh agreed as I thought it wouldn't help our unexplained fertility problems with me being stressed out.  I thought this would help but all I found was that I was trying to fit in a full time job into part-time hours and ended up working extra days and late nights for less money. 
After a year or so of this and some very stressful fertility stuff I ended up off sick with stress, I felt demoralised and tearful and at a very low ebb, so after much soul searching and discussion with dh I handed in my notice. It was a sad day after 14 years and many regular patients to leave behind. But for the time being even though I don't like not having my own money and money is much tighter now,  whilst I am in the position of needing to try and reduce my stress (something I find hard to do at the best of times) it was for the best as I want to give trying for a baby my best shot.  And work is not more important  than that.

If I were you I would sit down and and really talk about how you feel with your dh, he will probably be surprised that you don't like management, but, to me it sounds like a lot of pressure for very little reward, you need  less stress and if part-time does seem an option for you go for it.
Maybe you could put out some discreet feelers at work re: working part-time.

You could even consider trying something completely different I liked the library idea!!

I do hope you find an answer,

Take care and babydust to you.
  
Wendy K


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

thanx for the replies girls. Unfortunately the time of the year is past for me to apply for part time work to start in September . I would have had to apply around Christmas and as i only started feeling bad after that it was too late. If i do apply next year i am due for another increment which means if i give up my promotion point it wont affect me overall in my general pay.I would ideally have to do 3 days to cover me financially and give up my promotion(dont really care about that).

So at least i have the time to work it all out in my head. If i am put on the clomid and after 6 months it doesnt work i think i will really be ready to go. who knows maybe i will feel better by then(doubt it tho).

I worry about telling dh- will leave it til summer when we are off i think. I think he seems to worry about what other people think more than he should. He is also a teacher and a lot of people who work in my school have partners in his. But i think he would be ok with it given time especially if we are still able to manage the bills.He has a daughter as i have mentionned before who we hope will go on to university and i suppose we need money for fees etc so i know he would worry about that.

I will see what happens,if the part time doesnt go ahead then i will see about giving up promotion as it causes me too much stress.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Irisheyes, thank you for bringing this subject up!

I wish I had some answers for you, alas I don't as I am going through a lot of work related stress at the moment too. I had to have an absence interview because I have been off twice in a rolling year - the first one being my IVF last year which my employers were aware of, where I used all my own hols and ended up being off for a couple of weeks because I was really poorly afterwards when it was a big fat neg. The 2nd absense was a recently when I had that nasty flu everyone seems to have had.

Bascially my manager didn't believe I had been off genuinely ill the second time - even though I can present proof. Now I am facing a disciplinary hearing - I may not have one, but I don't know, as I can't glean any info. To be honest I am bloody furious about it. I feel as though I am being penalised for having IVF - even though I have always used my own holidays, even for appointments, even though hospital appointments are paid where I work, I haven't had that luxury, oh no, I have had to either use my own hols or go in my own time. I know I work for a business etc, but I have done all I can to ensure that my employer does not suffer in my absense.

Sorry hon, this is no help to you at all at the moment, I seem to have gone off on one here!  

Yours, stressed out with work to the max too at the moment, and hoping we can both find a workable solution!
Emcee x


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi ladies

I can't really add much here in terms of work stress but I wanted to comment on your post Emcee. Speaking as an employer I'm outraged. Being treated that way is not acceptable and you should take advice.  Visit www.acas.org.uk  for detailed information as to your rights on this!  Good luck.

flipper


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi ladies
Concerning Emcee post i have to agree with Flipper its so bad the way that you have been treated,,,,..
its sounds as if your employers are living in the dark ages...
Is there some policy that your company has to give women going through infertility treatment off. There is a policy where i work...Its so sad because i have the most wonderful boss that couldn't have been more caring and loving as a good friend/relative would have been. Why cannot they all be like that as its so hard without these pressures on top..
Irish eyes i cannot add more than what the others girls have but i have to say that i work only part time and its the best thing i have ever done..the stess levels are nearly gone and its gives us more time to think about ourselves...hey you deserve to look after yourself...
Take care
love astridxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Thanks lovely ladies!

I think I will phone the ACAS helpline when I get a chance Flipper, thanks very much for that link. I've had a good look through and can't see anything that applies to IVF/infertility treatment. 

I keep saying its my own fault for being in a crap job for so long! I should get out of there! The money is good but the way I have been treated over the years sucks!

Love to all
Emcee xxx


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## crocodile (Sep 14, 2004)

Hi everyone

had to put my fourpenny worth in here....

I had a similar problem in sept/oct last year, long story but basically I had a new very inexperienced boss (he use to be a lower grade than me, but ended up being promoted cos I had had so much time off in the past few years, due to ops bereavement and IVF)...

Anyway the year before when appraisals came around I had been given a grading which meant that i had met the requirements for my job that previous year no more no less...the reasons given at my appraisal was that I had been away a lot (that year I had had major surgery my mum died and a cancer scare - all legitimate reasons) I really couldn't have cared less so I accepted it...

This year I was also given the same grading the reason given this year that I had not been very motivated, part of the year concerned, not surprising for some of it as I had been going through IVF (one and half times - which they knew about) but also inspite of my repeated requests for work which was commeserate with my experience I had been given menial tasks and had been sidelined for work which had come into the department over newer people - who were asking for my advice, so I challenged that my lack of motivation was entirely my fault.....anyway again I took it on the chin...and then a month after my appraisal I was told as I had been given the same award in my appraisal two years running  I was now going to be put on an improvement programme and if my performance did not improve then I would then be facing disciplinary...

I was distraught and came home (not for the first time in floods of tears) my DH told be to hand my notice in (which I was planning to do once my new business was paid for), but I thought I am going to do it when I am ready and not be forced out, so I thought b*ll*cks and thought what have I got to lose so I fought it...and asked them why this course of action was being taken and then set about taking apart their arguement, by reading everything about the grading structure for appraisals, the greivance procedure and any other policies I could get my hands on, I then wrote a letter to my senior manager and personnell, folowing the grevience procedure as to why I refused to take part in this improvement programme. You see even though I was still caught up in my struggle against IF I was not going to be sh*t upon anymore and it was clear this was a constructive dismissal...I was even going to go to the docs and get a cert for stress if all else failed cos I was very very stressed at the time 

anyway the upshot is they all backed down, I received a grovelling apology and that was that..........and now I have fractured my back I am not in work anyway...and have been off for 6 weeks.  My DH has noticed that I am calmer and happier and more content since I have been off and so have I and wants me not to go back, even though I earn very good money and only work 4 days a week.  I am sorely tempted but since my work issues in sept/oct things have changed in my company quite significantly and I may have a chance of redundancy now so thats the only thing I am holding out for to be honest and whilst I am not there its so much easier to hang on for it     and after seeing my consultant today it looks like I wont be back there for some time either YIPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEE  

All I would say is that no matter how 'sympathetic' a company appears to be they are only playing games and will just want to be seen to be playing by the rules.  Whether you have IF or they are overloading you as soon as you are of no use to them or cannot 'cope' even under the extreme pressure they are applying then the under handed tricks come into play....use them as they use you and if you think it is telling on your your health or your well being then money really isn't everything and you will be a lot happier in the long run.

Maureen


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Sound advice there croc, and I am glad you gave your employers a hard time about things!

I have been where I work for so long partly because I always thought about the maternity benefits I would be entitled to, partly because of hubby being made redundant (its happened more than once unfortunately) and partly because the money is good.

But now I have come to a point where I have to get out of there, and hopefully in a few months time I will be able to put that promise to myself into fruition!

Its hard because I have been there for such a long time, but I am fed up of being moved around so much from one department to the next, learning lots of different skills, yet still having to answer to a manager I rarely work for. I have not worked for him for 6 months, yet all my holidays I want to book etc have to go through him. Its ridiculous! Never mind the stress I have had over the years there. You're right, there is more to life than money, and so long as I have enough to pay the mortgage and the bills I don't care - I want quality now.

I don't want to be working horrible shifts for another 'x' amount of years. I want a job where I know for sure what hours I will be doing for the whole year, or even the whole month would be a bonus. My husband works shifts too and we can't plan anything because my hours are always changing - one minute I am working shifts the next I am on regular days then before I know it with little warning I am back on shifts again and on and on it goes. The same has happened to him last year - so this year we made sure we booked all the Fridays for the bank holidays off in January and to hell with what anyone says - we plan on having lots of long weekends away this year!  

I have learned today that apparently when I go back to my department, not only will I have to get up to speed with the work that has to be done there I am also going to have to take on another role as well. Great - how much more do they want me to do I wonder? Its going to be difficult enough doing my job as its very physical, as well as taking on board all the changes that have happened since I worked there last, never mind learning a new job on top as well! Brawn and brain power huh, no wonder I always feel knackered!  

Just call me Superwoman folks - LOL!

Lots of love
Emcee x


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## Mairi (May 23, 2005)

What a good thread. It just shows that so many of us have the same problem - juggling work and IVF. I have a stressful job but normally cope OK (DH may say something different!) but since going through IVF and now dealing with other health issues I've found work stress too much. I can't cope with it and have had to be off a lot. I've tried to keep my boss informed and he has been very good but I guess that will only go on so long.

My GP has suggested cutting down my hours but thinks sitting at home may not help me either so I am trying to delegate as much as I can and be very organised! 

Not easy - I have no answers but it really helps to hear others have the same issues.

Mairi xxxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

hi mair
I have just read your posting...
I know this may sound as if i may be contradicting your G.P about spending time at home...Hey its wonderful to beable to do things in your own time and not to be pressured by a work schedule..Also you don't just stay at home you can fill your day with meeting friends, leisure activities and just giving yourself me time.
The time you get is great for your mind and it gives you time to yourself that you truly deserve. Aso when i go to work now i put in alot more because i am less stressed and i enjoy it more knowing i am only there a few days aweek. I feel your quality of life is more important...
Maybe in time when i get through this IF road and things are looking better then maybe i will go and find something full time because i will be in control of myself and no IF following me everywhere i go...
Sorry i am talking from a Me aspect but its the best thing i have done and my hubby agrees to and i have no regrets..
Lots of love astridxx


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