# dilemma



## Sarah09 (Nov 28, 2009)

Hi Friends
I was encouraged by recent posts about conceiving after 45, and wondered if anyone could share their view on my dilemma as I am still considering my options.  I am 48/49 and single.  I have been patiently waiting for Mr. Right all my life to have kids with, and after a year long 'nearly' relationship that never took off and finally ended a month ago with the guy dumping me for a younger (and beautiful blonde) woman, I have accepted I've been foolish with my life/time.  I have always wanted a family of my own, and have always described myself as 'family orientated'.  But I am essentially all alone in the world without any family- my siblings have moved emotionally and physically away from me over the years and all efforts to contact them have been rebuffed, and now we have lost all contact.  And why do I want a child...to be a family, to have someone to call my own family, to love and be loved by, to know that there is someone for whom I am family member, to know what it is to be a woman, a mother, to know that a part of me will live on when I die.  

So here I am, my fertility fickering in its last light... I am (just about) ovulating, and my FSH/LH levels are normal.  I had an ovarian reserve test (pelvic scan/tests) in 2006 and all was normal.  So the strong woman in me wants to surge ahead and go for the fertility options that may be open to me.  But what really frightens me is the fact I have only 15 years before I am a pensioner!  I don't have a great pension nor savings.  So am I selfish and foolish to even consider bringing a life into this world?  I always hoped to give the best to my child - I envisaged providing a good standard of living for my child but being of pensionable age at a crucial time with no one else to help, it'll be a poor childhood.  Off course, I also had a poor childhood, my parents struggled financially and we depended on some state help at times.  Lucky for me the state paid for my university education - will my child have even what little I had.  It's a real dilemma, for me.  This may be be my last chance...I have come to the shore, should I make a boat and sail with a child in my belly all alone.  Sorry if this sounds poetic, it's not meant to, it's just that I feel unable to move any which way.  Feeling sad, torn and alone.

Sarah09


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## Val123 (Jan 24, 2009)

I think you're very brave to come on here and share this dilemma with us.  I am 49 (DH 41).  We are expecting a baby through surrogacy at the moment, due 9th April 2010.  Our situations differ however in that I we have a huge and very close family, including my daughter from a previous relationship who is currently 23 and will be around for our new child long after we are gone, along with all my numerous nieces and nephews (who are will effectively be aunty & uncle figures for the baby).  I can empathise with your longing for a child, but also admire that you are not simply putting your needs first and seriously considering your potential child's future.

As for us, we did not decide in our 40s that we wanted a child, unfortunately we struggled with infertility for over 15 years and had every treatment under the sun before we had to resort to surrogacy as our final option - because we had been trying for such a long time, it never occurred to us to stop trying until every avenue had been exhausted and unfortunately it took until we were both in our 40s to achieve any success.  Do you have any close, maybe younger, friends who would be prepared to stand as guardians if you had a child?  Have you considered fostering, or adopting an older child or siblings?  There is more than one way of creating a family  .

As a mother, my gut reaction is to tell you to go for it.  You may well meet someone after your child is here.  I was lucky enough to meet someone who was happy to bring up my daughter and ultimately adopt her.  So even if you start off alone, you may meet someone in the future.  The fact that you are still ovulating is nature's way of letting you know that you are still capable of being a mother, therefore it could happen naturally at any time, you only have this dilemma because you are single at the moment.  If you were in a relationship and not using contraception and became pregnant naturally, then that would take the decision out of your hands.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.  No-one can guarantee how long they will be around for their children, no matter what age they are when the children are born.  Let the fates decide.  If you feel you can offer a loving home to your child and are fit and healthy enough to cope with pregnancy and birth, then let the fates decide.  Go ahead and try to get pregnant with donor sperm (or look into co-parenting), and if you become pregnant, then it is meant to be.  I am a great believer in fate and what's for you won't go past you.

I wish you all the best for your future and hope that you can re-connect with your existing family.

Val x


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## billyjean (Oct 7, 2006)

Hi Sarah

When i read your post, i felt that i was reading about me. I feel exactly like you. I feel lonely and feel like i don't have any close family. Although i have my mum who i adore and see every week. I also have a brother who i don't get to see that much, but we are close. 

Every man i have ever had a relationship with has either not wanted children or has not been able to have children, which is why i now find myself at my age childless.



I met a lovely man 5 years ago who i married. He did'nt have any real thoughts about wanting any more children, as he had had a vasectomy and had 3 grown up daughters. However at the time it seemed that he wanted the same things as me, so we settled down together and got married.

However he went through an unsuccessful vasectomy reversal, and tese for 2 bouts of icsi. He did this purely for me because he knew i longed for kids of my own.

Our relationship became difficult because of my longing. What made it worse was that i felt even lonlier because of his closeness to his kids. There is a real family element there that i felt an outsider to.

Not surprisingly our relationship has now broken down because he will not consider any more ivf, any adoption or even any fostering.

He thinks that i should accept being childless, and just have a lovely future on our own together. We seem to want different things. He is looking forward to his pension and retiring at 65,( he is only 46), and thinks i should be doing the same.

He would rather we spend our money on new windows and doors.

I've now decided to have DEIVF, knowing that he would'nt want it and that it would finish us off.


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