# Telling Family & Friends - good stories?...



## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

Hi everyone  

i read on here alot of stories about insensitive reactions to telling family and friends about our IF, and as much as it helps to read other peoples bad stories to know we arent alone and we have a safe place here to 'vent' about such incidents i wanted to see if people had any good stories about family and friends being supportive and if there are any tips on how to effectively tell people whats going on so that you convey how you need them to react?

Not sure if i have explained that very well... 

I have a small group of friends (wifes of my DH's friends) who i have now known for about 5-6 years, we all went through getting houses together, then came the marriages (all within 2 years of each other) and now we're all onto babies - and im the last one standing  
ive always been a pretty outspoken person so they all knew we were going to start TTC as soon as we were married, then after a year i told them that we were starting investigative treatment - now i am also lucky in the fact that one of my friends is a midwife and the other an anti-natal nurse! so when talking about things the drs & nurses have said to me if i didnt quite understand they would try to interpret for me!
when they knew i had appointments coming up they would just text to say good luck or ask how things went.
when we got our diagnosis (if you can call 'undiagnosed' a disgnosis!) there was none of the obligatory remarks, they just seemed to focus on what the next steps were for us and again showing their support for that.
while i have been going through IUI there have been times when i just couldn't face seeing them and theirs bubba when all together - and again i got nothing but simple understanding.

there have been no unhelpful suggestions of what we should do / could try, no insensitive comments or stupid questions - and they pretty much take the lead from me on whether or not i want to even talk about it.

Sorry to blab on for so long - im just really grateful to them - its not much really but then its also so much what they do. just knowing that if i need to talk to them i can but also if i want to forget all about it for a couple of hours they wont mention it. 

dont get me wrong i do have some other friends and family who have caused me distress but i have talked about that on here quite a bit in various threads so just wanted to give a shout out to the friends who have helped me so much.

Hope to hear other good stories so that we can see its not all doom and gloom when we decided to tell people whats going on.


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## Tiffanymi (Jan 18, 2013)

Hi Haydan. Mine isn't really answering only the positive side. I told my closest people...1 or 2 were so great that they genuinely feel for me and squeeze my hand under the table when someone announces their pregnancy. This is so special as it means they fully understand without saying a word. Some of the others have hurt me, as hey are close to me and seem o just nudge it off...perhaps they don't mean to, or don't care, but it hurts...


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

i wish more people could realise that a simple gesture like a squeeze of the hand or a reasurring look when they know something has happened that would upset us was all they needed to do to be supportive.

thats great that you have some friends like that


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## Roxymurphy (Jun 2, 2012)

I have had many insensitive comments and difficult situations too BUT...

I had a FET yesterday and although we have been selective about who we have told I had the most amazing run of texts of support from our closest friends and family all day yesterday. Genuine, heartfelt support.

I went to a great 'coping with infertility' seminar by Anya SIzer at the fertility show last week and she said 'think about who is in your support team and every time you face a difficult time imagine that team on the sidelines cheering you on'. I found that a really powerful image and I went home and text everyone on my 'support team' that imagery and they loved the notion of it and I have used it for support many times since.

Maybe other people can use it too. You're right Hayden, it is easy to focus on the negative but I am trying my best (today at least!) to start being more positive about all of this. Xx


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## moo84 (Oct 14, 2011)

Good thread idea Haydan!

I told quite a few people about our ttc... initially just close family and very close friends, but over the years I poke to a few more friends and then when we started treatment I told the few close members of my team at work. They were generally all very supportive and understanding, and although there have been a few 'insensitive' comments or 'misplaced advice' - these have all, I believe, come from a well meaning place.

I felt it was important for the people around me/ us to know what we were going though so that I didn't have to keep making excuses or explaining myself as to why we 'hadn't started a family yet' and why I sometimes found it difficult to be around pregnant ladies and talk about babies for too long at a time.

I'm now in the very fortunate position of being 15 weeks pregnant, and everyone who knows what we went through to get here has been extra excited for us when they've found out the news, and at work the members of the team who know are aware as to why I'm maybe being extra careful and cautious about this pregnancy.

Best of luck following your FET Roxymurphy

Good luck to everyone else too xx


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

i think thats a good point to remember when we think about who we are / arent going to tell; it would be so easy for people to just assume its '1st mom syndrome' when we finally get pregnant and are exra careful; they may even judge us as being over the top or spoilt when in reality we've just had to fight so hard that we want to do everything we can to protect it. 

i think carefully selecting people in our home life, social life and work life could greatly help with this to ensure we continue to get the support we need throughout the pregnancy.

i know my friends would do that for me - i am very lucky to have them.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi Haydan

I've found that the most understanding friends have been the very few (2) who don't have children as it suddenly hit them that they too might experience problems, my friends that already had children or were preganant didn't really want to talk about it so I have discovered who my truer friends are.  As for family my mum has been fab and my dad although he's quite old fashioned and doesn't really like to talk about all things to do with sex and pregnancy has been lovely without ever saying anything other than mentioning the hospital.  My MIL has done my head in but nothing new there and in fact OH banned her from mentioning it to me while going through the treatment as she is so thoughtless and comes out with inappropriate and hurtful comments.

I'm now 9 weeks pregnant and have only told my parents, Oh parents and my sister (who has alos been so supportive).  I know which friends I'll be sharing my happy news with first - the ones who've wanted to listen and support me through all the bad news over the past 3 and a half years xxx


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

hey Dory10, 

thats great how your OH stood up for you like that with his mom; shows how much of a team you were going through all this! 
great news that you are pg! - wishing you a lovely pregnancy!


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