# Feeling crap!



## baby0684 (May 20, 2012)

Sorry. This is a bit of a me post!

I know its just because im tired, and hopefully it will pass.

My little man has been home over 3 months now. Since he been home iv been loosing out on sleep. I try to catch up by going to bed early, mum having lo for an hour or so. But im still so tired. Im taking it out on my older girl, which is not nice for her.

Now lo is getting more teeth, and getting even less sleep, and more clingy, so housework is suffering.

Iv been quite good about Xmas, been buying stuff alll year. But not wrapped, or done cards, I need to do them soon.

Im feeling so alone, don't really want to tell sw that im struggling, as I don't know what they will do. Have mentioned it to a close friend, but she has her own kids, job and partner, and obviously nearly Xmas! 

When people ask how am I doing, I just want to shout at them, im not coping, I need sleep, I need to do housework, im a crap mum atm.

And I just keep eating rubbish as im feeling down.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Sending hugs baby  
I know my 2 are older than yours but I do appreciate how exhausting it all is, lack of sleep is evil  

Do you have a helpful health visitor who could offer some advice? In my experience just talking about things helps sometimes...

I also don't think there's any harm in talking to your sw, they are there to support you, they want the placement to be successful   

One thing I can be sure of is you're not a crap mum, if you were you would be oblivious to the problems x

Have you read Margot Sunderlands book 'what every parent needs to know', she talks about how you need to forgive yourself when things go wrong   it's really worth looking at.

Keep smiling, things will get better xx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

You are not a crap mum hun. 

I remember those horrible days and they do pass and it will get better. We often joked that of I had had to have a blood test it would have come back as pure lucozade as I was literally drinking it by the bottle and eating choc.

My breaking point came around 3 months in as well. I had been to an adoption support group and oddly enough and I sat there listening to people saying what they were doing for lo's holidays to disney, this toy that toy, new cars etc etc. I walked out and walked down the road crying I got to the bottom of the hill and stood there sobbing my heart out I just couldn't come home. I text my mum just said I can't talk I need you I am such a failure.  I walked the 40 mins to my mums crying the whole way while bubba slept. They opened the door and I feel into my mums arms and couldn't stop sobbing and saying how useless I was. Poor hubby had been trying to ring and I just kept hanging up on him. I just felt I would never be a good mum I couldn't give her everyday practical things like sleep and feeding let alone everything else.
It was at this point I introduced my own version of controlled crying and that night we had a little girl who slept for 12 hours and we haven't really looked back. Every now and again she has sleepless nights but nothing like before.  She still eats nothing but everything else seems so much easier once sleep happens.
Talk to sw and health visitor (ours was useless) it will get better I promise xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I remember that point too. Sleep deprivation is awful and teeth are a nightmare -our LO spent about a month dosed on nurofen at night to help him (and me) sleep. I frequently broke down into tears and it is totally normal! At night you probably just want him to shut up asap but controlled crying does have it's place. Perhaps in the day if you feel like you just have to do housework -put the hoover on and play music really loud and let him scream. Seriously won't do him any long lasting harm to be fed, clean and able to see you but for you not to pick him up. In fact, the sound of the hoover used to send our LO to sleep which was much needed after screaming all night long.
Remember, sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture -the way you feel about not coping is a genuine and very much warranted response to continual lack of sleep! The world will seem a much better place if you get some. 
Does LO use a dummy? A teething ring or Teetha may help? Is he attached enough that co-sleeping may help? Perhaps a teddy or soft blanket may help? Our health Visitor was wonderful for advice on how to get a better sleep pattern -ours demanded lots of milk all night long so we swapped him to water, then no bottle at all, then as my back was bad, we went from picking up swaddling and rocking to sleep with cuddles to rocking in cot, to just retucking into bed and finally a bit better. We still get woken most nights at least 1-3 times but now almost always for dummy which will be going in around 6mths time after he's had chance to adjust to moving house. he'll be around 2.5yrs then.

For time with your daughter, could you have a pj day? Lots of snacks and pre-made/ easy food, movies and games so a bit more relaxed and restful?


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

. Xxx


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

sending love and strength and a reminder that this is a phase that will change.
And what are doing fretting about little non essentials like doing Christmas cards? You aren't superwoman! I've had a couple of friends in recent years have autumn/winter babies -.no cards were sent by them and there was no outcry!! Only some things matter, be selfish for the 3 of you and let some stuff slide is my advice.
Chin up hon 
Gettina
Xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Baby

Boy, do I know this feeling! Although bad nights are a big cause of how you're feeling, the emotional upheaval of adoption also caused me utter exhaustion! My daughter was sleeping through when she came (aged 11 months) but I was just so, so, so tired. I would try to nap in the day when she was napping but this rarely happened, there was always something to be awake for I felt I had to do. This feeling passed and then along came by son a month ago almost and he's good at sleeping through at night on the whole but wasn't napping in the day for more than 30 mins (he was 5 months on placement) and therefore very grumpy, screamy and difficult.

We has to do a form of controlled crying to get him into day time napping and break the bad habits the foster carer had formed. This was horrible because we were trying to bond and the last thing we wanted to do was hear him scream, but after having him scream in my face for two hours straight whilst I rocked him through sheer exhaustion and over tiredness, enough was enough. The Gina Ford book was sent to me the day before, I read it the next morning bleary-eyed, fed up and in a mess, and haven't looked back. 

I battled hugely with the idea of letting him cry but after 2 painful weeks, my non-napper sleeps 3 hours each day and 12 hours each night. He's much happier and on the whole a little smiler.  With controlled crying it's just that; you're not leaving LO and walking off slamming the door, you're going in at time intervals.

Although our daughter slept through we had a few nights where she messed us around - screaming blue murder then grinning and pointing at toys when we got her out of her cot   We implemented the controlled crying at those times to get back on track. 

Sleep deprivation is horrible. Plenty of mums wear it as a badge of honour, proudly saying they've not slept in years and still co-sleep with their three year old who wakes them up several times a night. They think those of us who cannot do this are heartless and state they would never ever leave their child crying, that a crying child needs them; it's simply not always the case! We found with our son when he was screaming he didn't want us, he wanted sleep! He'd carry on screaming whether we held him or not and me picking him up didn't comfort him as you'd expect at all. At best he'd stop eventually, fall asleep on my shoulder, than I'd put him down and he'd wake as soon as I did screaming again. I didn't want a lifetime if rocking him to sleep every night. I'm happy for those who are happy to do this, but we can't all spend entire nights rocking a baby off to sleep.

I'm in the meet needs then walk away camp whilst a routine is being established (then handling it according to your instincts thereafter). Your LO needs to work out how your household runs as much as the other way around, DH has always told me this. Yes I could abandon any housework for the next three years and just play with my kids but I would get depressed- it wouldn't work for me. You get to have a few needs of your own, I firmly believe that. You're not just a mum! Do what works for all of you, it takes strength and courage to do this, but it will make you happier all round.

And don't read too much on the internet, it only serves to make you feel guilty as the mummy-martyrs are out in full force on certain sites


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Oh huge hugs!  I remember feeling just the same.    But it does get better, I promise.

This is the time you need to call in your support network favours, talk to your SWer (they're there to help, not punish), talk to your family, HV, GP if necessary.  I'm sorry I didn't pick up how old your LO is - can you talk to SWer about whether they think it suitable for them to go to nursery for one morning a week to give you some respite?

And don't send Christmas cards.  No-one will think less of you.  And buy a load of cheap gift bags online and use those instead of wrapping.  The people who think badly of you for that aren't people whose opinion matters.

((((((hugs))))))

At three months I thought I was the worst mummy in the world who spent her time shouting and was worried I was going to snap.  Now we're truly blissfully happy.  You're going to get there, too.


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