# I just need to rant somewhere!



## Sonybear (Sep 8, 2008)

Hello all, I have not written on here for some time. We found out in 2009 after one round of ICSI that my DH has Globozoospermia and that we cant have children. Since then I have been coming to terms with not having children (do we ever really come to terms with it, I think eventually we just have to accept it). In the early days I had a lot of bad days, suffered with depression and really struggled. We lost a lot of good friends along the way, which was really my fault as I pushed so many away that they just stopped being there anymore. After about 5 years I started to feel like I was having more good days than bad, until I was managing to find some joy in life and on the days I don't find joy I just paint on my smile. I should mention that we tried for adoption but due to my history of depression and family history (broken home etc) it just didn't work out.

However, the past 6 or so months I have felt my depression coming back, I will be honest it hasn't started because of the fact we cant have children. I lost a very young cousin in a road accident 18 months ago and I have been trying to support his parents as best I can. Then my cat who I had for 13 years got very sick last year and died just before Christmas so I think this started my brain to looking very much at the past. My facade has slipped and the thoughts of children and the future have all started to flood back and it is now that this box is open I cant seem to close it again and I feel like I am back to square one.

Here is my rant.......So imagine my surprise when on breaking down in front of a very good male friend yesterday and explaining that I was feeling very depressed he said, well if it was me and children were my number one goal I would do everything I could to have one. Why wont you just use a donor?

Ahhhhhh!!!!! just because something is available doesn't mean you have to use it. Why is it when people who have children think it is alright to assume that because you cant have one naturally or via IVF that the next logical step is more science or adoption!!!!

So now I just feel like I have no right to be upset about not having children because lets face it according to him, I haven't really tried! I get that this is one persons opinion but why don't they have just a little bit of empathy before passing judgement!  and why oh why did I have to break down in front of someone!! 

Anyway that is my rant over, I just had to get it down.

Lots of love to everyone who is going through this, stay strong, keep fighting for yourself and know you are not alone xx


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

<3 

It sounds like you have had a number of losses lately.. so no wonder if you are struggling! It is difficult for people to understand the grief that comes with infertility. As you have noted, it is not as simple as having a child by any means.  My partner and I decided fairly early on that we didn't want fertility treatments. That put us apart from most people facing infertility, which is already an isolating experience. 

The triggers, like your coworker, come around, test us, stir up the grief... but we have found we can carry a lot. It helps to have a community that gives you space to feel (and rant!) and people who understand. 

If you feel that your low mood is getting in the way of your daily activities or straining your relationships, definitely speak to a doctor about accessing support like medication or therapy. These things can give you the space to process your grief. I hope you continue to share here as well, as there are plenty of ladies who have been (or are) where you are. Xx


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## Franny80 (Apr 10, 2016)

Hi Sonybear,

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through, and what you are still going through now. It sounds like your friend reacted how I think a lot of people react to infertility. They see it quite rationally - you have a problem and they want to help give you a solution to fix it. It comes from the right place, but in reality sometimes I just want to rant and have someone agree that yes, it is really ****. After my miscarriage we sat down with our consultant and he just said to us "sometimes life is just really unfair". This was the best thing he could have said and gave me the most comfort. Rather than someone trying to help me see the positives, that acknowledgement meant the world to me. 

xx


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

Those who never walked in your shoes will never understand. 
Wish you to find peace soon!


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## Millie87 (Mar 7, 2017)

Hey! My DH Also had globozoospermia! it's completely your choice of you don't want to have treatment or adopt! Don't let anyone ever make you think otherwise. Here if you ever want to talk xx


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