# Bella's Journal



## ariellamcbella

Hi...

Hope no one minds but I thought it'd be nice to have somewhere to keep my journey from start to finish.... So have decided to get a journal going...

This first post is going to be a long one that'll put in perspective my life and my choices...

I have always had a maternal instinct for as long as I can remember...I don't really remember not having young children around me. Growing up I was the eldest of 4 children (2 girls, 2 boys)...when the youngest was born my mother went into a state of bad post natal depression, with my father working away and no one else really being around often enough to notice I was left doing a lot for my siblings. Due to circumstances around money, I often found myself subbing food outta my lunchbox to pad out theirs...Mum didn't notice as she had no involvement in getting lunchboxes ready, getting bags packed, getting kids dressed for school or getting us breakfasted. And this was before I left Primary School...at the time it seemed normal, but looking back I understand how utterly wrong it was - though Mum (for whatever reason) cannot/will not admit this occurred to this day. And as such I have not once had an apology, or a thank you, for it. 

As I grew up, this left me in the house as a very independent 'dependent'...i wasn;t one of the kids cause I was too mature and an authority figure to them...I wasn't one of the adults because quite obviously, I wasn't an adult...so I found myself in a state where I didn;t get a lot of comfort, or a let off of steam, with the appropriate people. Other relatives I was close to all died one after the other, and so I started to begin to shut people out.

When I was 15 I went on a school exchange to Germany, had a great time whilst I was there, and when I left everything was normal...but when I came back my Dad had no job, my parents argued constantly and there was a nasty tension in the house. The affect it was having on my brothers and sister was torturous, but it was impossible to make my parents understand. Over the course of the next few weeks, I would find out, whilst my Dad had been working away and we had all been in bed upstairs, my mother was inviting a man over to cheat on my Dad with...my mpther walked out on us on my 16th birthday, she moved into a half way house (witch stank of urine and vomit - and that thought made me cry myself to sleep nightly). My brothers and sister hated her for it, and though I spoke to her, I didn't hold back with the truth to either of my parents. My brutal honesty caused my mother to turn against me saying I was conspiring against her. At the thought of losing her kids and home, she wanted 'back in' I told my dad it was all wrong, that the reasons for her wanting to come back (or him taking her back) were not justified and were only going to serve to cause emotional harm to my siblings but I could talk no sense into either of them...I was right. My mum continued to cheat on my dad with this man...and the next 3 years was a massive mess. I was fostered when I was taking my GCSE's just to geth through my exams and I moved out aged 17, paid for myself to get through college and my own rent - since then (apart from xmas and birthday presents when they remember) I haven't had anything from my parents....

Even when I got agoraphobic after being held up at knife point, meaning I couldn't work for a while, no clothes, no educational support, no treats. My Grandparents (Paternal) took me in...she helped me a bit, but I really just needed to get away, so went to University 200+ miles away....Here I was able to clear my head and get my life back on track a little....but there were a couple of speed bumps and steps backwards that threatened the regression of the anxiety I was trying to overcome (particular when my neighbour tried to stab his girlfriend to death...and me and my housemates overheard the whole ordeal and then everytime I was alone someone tried to break into the house)...

I had a lot of time to evaulate my life as I didn't really sleep alot between the ages of 16 and 21...my dream hadn't changed...I wanted to be a Primary School teacher, get myself settled down and have a family that I could provide everything I never had (I had possessions, but nothing that mattered - no stability, no emotional support, no affection, no sense of belonging).

Meanwhile, my parents had 'extended the family' to quite a large scale...I am now the eldest of 11 siblings in a reconstituted family...

But as plans of mine go...things got a little detoured such as my career choice...My Grandad was diagnosed with Cancer (the one I had lived with)...Knowing that they would need to go to the hospital frequently, and that they had my Great Grandmother (who was paralysed from a Stroke) living with them...and how much my Nan doesn't stop frwtting when people look after her, I went home. I knew she knew that I was happy to do anything for my Gran, even if that meant 'Bed Pan Duties'. So to put her mind at ease, I came home and arranged with my uni to work from home for 6 weeks...they lost my work for a core module, I failed my year and subsequently my course. I cannot afford to pay to retake the year so I cannot get a degree, and therefore cannot be a Primary School teacher.

So I looked after my Gran until my Grandad was better (this was a while cause each time he got better a new diagnosis was made...he had 3 different cancers and 1 scare as well as 2 strokes in a year). But when he was well enough I started various part time/seasonal and temporary contracts whilst looking for a 'career'. I managed to get a job in IT due to my knowledge of languages, my computer literacy and my experience in a call centre (oh how I regret having these skills in retrospect! lol). And along the way met my DH...

We moved in together quite quickly out of convenience (we discussed how this was a practical move, not a step forward in the relationship before it all occurred) but it turned out to be such a blessing. I had suffered with really bad insomnia for a long time and often not had more than 2-3 broken hours of sleep a night. My head was chaotic, I was restless and not settled in the slightest. DH was laid back to the extreme...but also suffered with insomnia, but his worst was social anxiety. The move resolved our insomnia to a large extent, improved DH's social anxiety (on account of being subjected to chaotic and regular meetings of new/unfamilar people due to my large family and friend network). We also realised how well we worked together...and after 2 years of living together, got married. (To the dismay of some of our friends who think people should date for 10 years before getting married -based on their relationships that started off in high school).

After we got married I got really ill, I was in agony constantly, couldn't wear anything with a wasitband and the doctors kept acting like I was overreacting and depressed simply because I refused to go more than 200-300m away from a mode of transport to get me back to my house pronto, because if the pain took hold I wouldn't be able to move for a while...after them dragging their feet for 8 months, I had a laparoscopy, which dislodged my ovary from the part of my bowels that it was being yanked down by and causing me so much pain. I was instantly better...but in the meantime had been given a diagnosis of PCOS and told my ovaries were covered in cysts...not just a couple, loads. The strangest thing is, I was positive I had PCOS before the diagnosis...in fact when I went to the doctors on that first visit 8 months beforehand...I said that#s something i thought I had, and they were very dismissive...run loads of tests incorrectly and refused to believe me about my pain or refer me to a specialist for months... (I could write an essay on how appalling the NHS were in all aspects of this 8months - especially considering they new it prevented me from working). 

As soon as we got the diagnosis, we started TTC...had planned to wait another 6 months, but hey ho...no point in wasting time iif the odds are against you right? And as we knew the outcome was most likely going to be 'no natural conception' we started looking into our possibilities if it didnt happen.  We ruled out medical intervention, was offered surrogacy and ruled that out to... and decided adoption was for us, if natural conception wasn't possible. We TTC for 10 months, then contacted the agency for information pack, tried for a further 2 months and the waited a month before contacting them to proceed. 

Our Initial Visit was in April 2013... Invited to Prep for 29-31May, PAR workshop in June, allocated social worker in July, with Home Study starting on July 25th...I have had one other visit since and am waiting for next week for the second part of that visit. DH will then have his solo visit and then we will get to one session on our relationship...I think we will then have a 'mid point review' and then get on with the nitty gritty. 

Hopefully approval panel will be around January time that gives us time to get stuff sorted out...house wise and financially...

We have talked at great length and are hoping to adopt a sibling group of 2 (we would be open to a sibling group of 3 in the correct circumstances) aged ideally 4-6 (that is our most ideal range - but really we would adopt anyone between the ages of 2 and 8/9) and wouldn't automatically say no to any circumstances (provided it is reasonable to assume I would be able to return to my job after a period adoption leave). 

Now I have laid the foundations for our story, I will hopefully update weekly (or thereabouts) to try an keep a tab on how were are feeling, where we are at and so forth. More for me to have a way to keep track of where my head is at all the way through than anything else to be honest. 

Hope you don't mind me sharing my story, and please understand, the history of my life is to outline what has gotten me to the place I am at now, not for sympathy...I truly am over everything in my past (as it has delivered me to where I am now; hoping to provide children, who have also experienced difficulty, to find a place to belong, to receive the love and support I never felt I had and to be part of an amazing family, enjoying the crunchy with the smooth).

Thanks

Bella x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I really enjoy reading others stories and will keep an eye on your updates good luck  x x


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## flickJ

Hi Bella,

Wow you have certainly not had an easy time ...... but you seem a very focused person   

Your journey so far to adoption seems to have been moving along at a really positive pace, and I am sure before long you will reach your goal   Are you following the new guidelines? Good luck with your journey to become a family


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## Sq9

Good luck with your journey


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## ariellamcbella

Thanks guys!

Flick Our agency is on the new guidelines as far as the Home Study is concerned but they don't accept you formal application until after you have had Prep and understand your choice and are more certain you want to go ahead!

Today is our Wedding Anniversary and the realisation has just hit me that this could be our last one as a childless couple! :O it is an entirely realistic possibility...it's also possible of course that it won't be but...the thought that it could be fills me with some encouragement and motivation to get through the week! In between work, redecorating, helping the in Laws move house, a complete overhaul of our garden, looking after other people's children, teaching a 5 year old to swim and raising money for charity I haven't had a lot of time to breathe on our adoption journey so far...and we are holding and hosting a party for an 18 year old (well 17 it's her 18th next week, but party on the weekend) so pressure's on to get everything in house/garden finished before then...and I'm running out of steam! Lol. So it is great to get some motivation! 

I think after the mass cleanup operation on Sunday (which no doubt is going to be done by me alone as I will probably be the only hangover-less being on site) I think I'm going to spend the next two days largely in the cinema! Shut away from everyone and any chance of lifting a finger. In.order to just recoup a bit....then Tuesday when my SW comes I'm not going to be completly braindead! Lol

Thank heaven's I did all our 'homework' prior to the HS starting! Meaning I have none but SW has loads! Lol. I

But anyways....it's a strange feeling thinking this time next year you could be a mum to not one but 2or 3 children (not babies) and yet you have none now it truly is a strange, but exciting, concept! And one I do have some nerves about, but that I am just so confident of that I just know it's the best decision I have ever made in my life....not the decision to become a parent but to do it via adoption... Anyways...hungry lunch time babbling so sorry if not very coherent. Hard to read back to yourself on the mobile! 

Bella xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I am finding it very exciting to count our lasts. Last Fathers Day without children last summer without children last Christmas   x x


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## gettina

You have so much to offer bella. I hope this is the start of a positive, exciting new chapter in your life.
Keep us posted.
Gettina x


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## Billybeans

Lovely to read your story and background and what has given you the inspiration to adopt. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope the adoption process goes quickly and smoothly for you


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## ariellamcbella

Sooooooo...it has been a long 24 hours. Had very little sleep because our new MD came to my departments office today to let us know he was shutting us down. It was the first time he has ever even said hello to any of us...worried about how this may affect the adoption, but I will wait for my next SW visit (next week). It kind of feels a bit like every time I make strides forward in my life, something comes along and tries knock me off balance. It won't this time I swear...I have enough time (i think) to finish off paying the remainder of our debt (the end of my student overdraft - nothing major) it just means the savings I wanted to put in place aren't going to happen...(or aren't likely) but we can cope without! It's just whether the VA are going to have a problem with my 'job security' but I was the one going to go on adoption leave anyway! perhaps we can address our beliefs on my need for a job at the end of it all, as I no longer need to get back to this job, maybe I could pull some seasonal work out of the bag and get as much money in as I can for 'security' and then I can take as much time off as I need. Maybe we could consider younger children now? I dunno...It's all confusing...Looking forward to the meeting with our SW next week so I can ask the questions I need to know how they feel about it all...then I can make this constant confusion melt away!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I am sorry but I would say as long as you can live off DH salary it won't be a problem.  I intend to give up work and this is seen as a real strength of our application x x


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## ariellamcbella

Hi DIYDiva.. yeah I can see how it would be seen as a strength, but it was my wage that would have given us a comfortable lifestyle...as horrifying as working in IT truly is for my brain, it brings home the bacon...DH is very arty and is now working in a secure job that he enjoys...I wouldn't change that for the world. However it means that so long as he is doing it, I need to be supplementing his earnings with at least part time work in order for us to get fed...our rent and fixed bills (including media and communication) are covered by his wage, but if we want to eat, if he wants fuel for work etc. then that money needs to come from elsewhere - I haven't even considered luxuries in all of this! :O lol 

But in all honesty, so long as I pull 2 or 3 part time jobs outta the bag between now and placement, I should be able to get enough savings together to get us sorted, and hopefully one of these part time jobs will see me through after the placement too...perhaps DH can take the adoption leave for a little while (espesh if I can cover a few months rent - that's the main issue) and that way we will have no need for fuel!  lol i dunno...it just changes the dynamics and the plans that I had made and means I have to have a complete rethink... I was looking forward to a bit of a relax after the stressfully high paced summer I just had...oh well, I haven't ever been much of a 'sitabout' guess there's no point starting now espesh if I'm gonna be a mum soon! lol.

PS despite how frantic I may seem...it's just my OCD need for plans to be made and set in stone talking - in reality, I am just angry at my company for how much they have messed me about these past 4 months. i just wanna order a crate of sopping wet fish and got slap the management team in the face a couple of times!!! lol


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It's rubbish I know what you mean I am a need to plan. Hope there is something just round the corner for you


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## ariellamcbella

Hi All,

Finally sorted out everything work-wise...I will only be working 2 days/week between now and the end of October, in the interim I can look for another job...but my job status isn't a concern for the social worker...instead everything that happened in my past is...they think it is 'too fresh' in my recent past, and that our relationship is 'too young'..I honestly am horrified by the whole thing...I haven't been emotionally affected by my past for at least 4 years, going on 5 to be honest...I have things come up all the time that can trigger an emotional response out of me (ie, that connects with something that happened) but it doesn't cause a 'flare up' instead it causes me to think of what happened to me and be thankful that I got through it and that I am who I am now...I am pretty sure this is a rational response! 


She also doesn't think I would cope with the 'stress' of having 2 children simultaneously...which I kind of feel is offensive...During all of my actually stressful period in my life I was 'raising' 3 children as a child/teenager...now I am an adult in a stable household, with a stable emotional state and a stable support system...why wouldn't I be able to cope?

And she has made it very clear it's not just what the panel would be concerned about it is what she is actually concerned about personally!!! 

I am quite annoyed by it all to be honest! I am not going to deny it! I thought if anything it would be DH's lack of experience coping that would be a problem...

They say be honest about everything so that they can make a fair assessment...but by being honest they are trying to use it as a way to put us off...How crazy is this in a time when they are saying they are desperate for adoptive families?

Her main concern is that I will have problems 'forming attachments' because as a child it wasn't shown to me...I spend so much time with other people's children that I am very aware of how to form attachments perfectly fine! I just find it horrendous that they make these judgments and show them as massive concerns when actually the only meetings she has had with me is about my childhood and early adulthood...she hasn;t even spoken about who I am today...and she is making that judgement about me! 

I get that social workers have to make judgments, but don;t pause the whole process to bring up concerns that aren't valid without looking at the whole picture...there is a very large AND significant piece of the puzzle missing...5 years is a long time!

I don't know where that leaves us to be honest...she has really made me question myself and not in a good way!!! I understand that this process involves a lot of self discovery...but come on, I don't think they are supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, without having filled in a 3rd of your life's details!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

That sounds awful but unfortunately is not uncommon.  Lolly had an awful first interview with an LA who went on about her being too young and money and ridiculous things that weren't a problem.  She was really upset but luckily she also met with a VA who were thrilled to have her and her little girl is due home next week now.  

I know it is really awful but when you are ready try somewhere else some SW's are weird.  You will have to discuss what the initial agency said but they don't always agree x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

She's right, I did, and I was so upset! They were rude, judgmental, made inaccurate assumptions and tried to tell me how I thought and felt which was very insulting. I know it's easy for me to say now but I'm so glad all that happened because for one it allowed us to explore other agencies and find our fabulous social worker, and two allowed us to find our daughter. I have no doubt that if we had stuck with the original authority we would have had lots of delay, upset and miscommunications. It all worked out but we had to go through the bad to get to the good. I'm so sorry this is happening. Have they given any ultimatums, like we will proceed if you have some counselling? Or is it a no for now? Where do you stand at present?

Sending very big   It can be so hard


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## ariellamcbella

Thanks guys...

No, it isn't an ultimatum or anything, we are still continuing with the Home Study at present with a view (i think) that it might not happen...they have given no ultimatum. She has made it clear though that things will not be straightforward in our process and that it will progess very slowly...as if she isn't convinced she isn't even going to try convincing a panel...

she said that people often come into adoption much older than us...I am 27 in a matter of weeks, and DH is 28 nearly 29...i tried to point out that although some people may come into it later, we have chosen adoption as our 'next step' rather than fertility treatment, and her response was very flippant in the way that she was like "you have already exlpained why you chose adoption" when the point I was trying to make was, that we cut 4-5 years off our journey by not taking the fertility treatment route...not because we wanted to shortcut it, but because we feel like adoption is more appropriate for us...because we can empathise, because we don't want a baby etc etc...

I am not going to go through the full details of what she said, but her concerns are basically based around my past and not my present...and the last of these events happened 8-10 years ago....with me being over most of it for about 8 years, but the final event dragging on until 5 years ago with me having little 'quirks' that will never wholly disappear,  but faded significantly over 4 years ago...I just don't know if I have got a standpoint to complain about it from...or should I just bring up that her concerns are based on things we are yet to speak about...and I feel it is unfair! :/ It's a confusion I don;'t need at this moment in time...trying to work out what my next step is career wise...I am now super confused on whether I get a career job, or something little to just pass the time til we get to adoption, cause at this moment in time I feel like we aren't going to get there!!


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## Sq9

So sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time  .  When is your next meeting with your sw?  I think you need to speak to her about how she's made you feel and then decide whether you feel your relationship with this agency is workable or not.  You need to be able to trust that they are going to fight your corner at panel if necessary.  If the issues really were deal breakers, it should have been raised with you before now - that is the whole point of the initial visit.  From what you've said, it sounds like your past is one of your strengths because of how you have worked through what life has thrown at you and overcome things.  You need an agency who will recognise that, and if it isn't this one, there will be another one who can.
Good luck


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sending lots of hugs.  The other thing with age is it is largely dictated by when you decided to try to become parents.  I was 25 when we started and I am nearly 29 now. Many people don't try for a family for nearly 10 years older than me so obviously they will be older when they come to adopt. Age is irrelevant it is how you got to where you are that counts. Someone ten years older than me is no better worse more or less ready than me. They just reached a place where they want to adopt and so have I. Hope this works out and remember no one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself whoever they are x x x


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## gettina

good luck ariellamcbella
Assuming you stick with this la, I suggest keeping v calm and consistent in your responses to her questions/ assertions about your past and its impact in you. While sq9's point seems v rationale and sensible I think we need t be aware we are not equals with the sws; they are examining us and hold all the cards. I wouldn't talk about how she makes you feel etc as they may well not see it as the response of a really calm, over-it person. 
Also, most las use a scored test called asi. This will hopefully be helpful in supporting your messaging that you can attach etc. 
wishing you well - we have v uncomplicated pasts but our sw still 'found things' and challenged us in a sustained way about them - we just kept giving her the same dull answers meeting after meeting and all was well which I'm sure it will be for you too.
Gettina x


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## Handstitchedmum

My personal history is not too dissimilar in impact. Both DH and I were "mature children" or "young carers" for various reasons. Like DIYDiva, others, and yourself, we are also "young adopters". I knew from the start that my history posed a high risk, but it wasn't until I really researched adoption... and I mean, *really* researched it... and, more importantly, did a lot of therapeutic work, that I realised what that risk really meant for me and my future child. I was unwilling to gamble that much with our health and safety.

Very few people resolve neglect/abuse well enough for it not to impact on others, muchless themselves. The social workers see the extremes of this and know that the hypersensitivity of traumatised children can turn even the smallest hint of distress into acute and chronic trauma. For their sakes, we need to be well and truly mindful not just of what we do but what we don't do. It is a very tall order, even for the most "well-adjusted" adoptive parent. I like to think that those of us with a history of neglect/abuse may start out at a disadvantage, and may have to work harder to get the same results, but ultimately have the potential to achieve more. In adoption, the research indeed suggests that the most successful parents are those who have themselves experienced and resolved trauma. Now... If only someone had a tried and true method of defining "resolved"... ;-)

For me, I delayed the start of prep/home study for several years. All I can say now is that with every passing month I become a safer, more secure, and more stable adoptive parent. I may have been "good enough" back when we first agreed to adopt, but I am certainly much better now. With hindsight, I am really so glad we chose to spend more time working on ourselves. I compare myself today to the me of five years ago, and I really feel like we dodged a seriously damaging bullet. On the flip side, I truly feel like I am investing in my future child by increasing my own resilience and resources. It makes the delay more than bearable... Enjoyable, even. 

Not saying this is the choice for everyone! It was hard in the beginning, but grief does eventually turn into acceptance. I knew that once I could confidently and calmly explain to a social worker my history and why I am prepared to be an adoptive parent, without fear of their (mis-?)judgment, that I was ready. There was no time limit. For us, it took years. They may ask us to take a few more. Whatever time it takes, it will be worth it.


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## ariellamcbella

Hi all! 

Sorry for my silence, between the redundancy, home study, interviews and starting a new job i haven't had much 'leisure' time.

I don't want to sit here and argue my reasons why i know my past isn't going to add any higher risks than other people, as I could be here all day explaining...but my point was, she came in, got about 60-70% of a picture of my life, and the part that really matters she hadn't learnt anything about. She made a judgement about my relationship with my DH who she hasn't even done a personal with yet, and definitely hasn't done an interview on our relationship...so definitely has less than a 50% accurate view on our life and who we are and what we represent as a couple...when she left that meeting we both felt rather deflated, and in fact it was DH that pointed out how little she actually knew...during the meeting even made a point of saying to DH that she thought perhaps adoption wasn't as important to him as it is me, and that perhaps he was being pushed along in his want to do this because of my string desire to be a mum. Quite unfounded statements when you consider how little she has actually spoken to DH...apart from the initial visit before Prep she had only had 1 visit with him included and that was our 1st home study visit going over what the process was going to entail... I get that they are suppose to be there to make a judgement about our suitability and risk assess the situation...but how can they justify doing it with less than 50% of the information.

After the SW left, I checked with DH what he thought the discussion meant, and the tone of conversation felt very "we dont think you are suitable yet"...but then she came last week and back tracked over loads of points she had made the previous meeting and contradicted herself a whole load. For example she said that our relationship was possibly 'too young' and "not mature enough" the previous session, when she said about this she added how she wasn't sure exactly who was in our prep group but we would have noticed that a large chunk of adopters are much older...then this session she said no no, it has nothing to do with age or the length of our relationship...but that waiting a couple of years is likely to strengthen our relationship further (she can;t possibly know anything about the strengths of our relationship having not actually spoken to either of us about it).

Either way, things are on hold until January. After the previous session we decided that when she came for our most recent session we wanted to see about slowing down the home study/putting it on hold so that I can get more secure in my job having now found a new one. She said she thought it was a very sensible idea, and we agreed to restart everything in January. 

So i think we'll take the next few months to clear our heads, we know that this is not only what we want to do, but that now is a very good time to be doing it and are positive that this won't change. But will be able to come back at it with more vigour and feeling refreshed in the new year... in the mean time good luck to everyone!!! I shall randomly post between now and then with my thoughts (when I can) and try and follow what people are up to!  x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Bella congratulations on getting a job in the current climate so quickly.  I am so sorry that your sw is being unsupportive wish there was something I could say to make it easy for you.  Has sw given any advice or information about things she would like  you to do so she feels like you are ready?  Sometimes it seems to be best to play the game with them and make them feel listened to x x


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## Sq9

xx


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## gettina

Hope the job is going well Bella and I also hope you have as relaxing an autumn as possible before recommending hs. And hey, you never know, you might a different sw? 
Best, Gettina x


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## ariellamcbella

Hi Guys!!!

Sorry for my silence...first job didn't work out, so was working two temp jobs, and now working my job as well as helping out at DH's job after mine to get through til after xmas!!! So everything still on hold til after xmas. 

Aww not a chance of a new SW, we are to contact her directly when we wanna go forward with things...however, I kinda feel like I may look at a new agency/go LA instead!!! I may just speak to them about a few things first... may add a convo to the old agency and see what they have to say about all the mis-judgements and back tracking! it's kinda ridiculous!!!!

Thinking we are gonna have to start from scratch tbh from around the same point as we had started before...so starting in may, hoping for xmas/jan approval! It's tiring but hey ho such is life!!!

Hope all is well with everyone!!??!!

xxx


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