# Reactions from your own parents



## Lumi (Jan 14, 2010)

Hi
I was wondering if anyone has had bad reactions to 'the news' from their own parents, to the point of family break up. I think I'm heading this way! I told my mum and step-father a few years ago that gf and I were going to try for children. Reaction was mixed but verging on the not so good side rather than anything especially positive - it's never been mentioned since. Mother is v religious and very influenced by that. Step father has strange opinions on everything. They come and visit and are usually fine with and accepting of gf but have since heard that mother finds my lifestyle difficult to cope with (we have been together 12 years, we both work, we live in a house with a cute dog, we're vegetarian except fish, we give to charity, we care about the environment, we don't do heroin,  we don't scam the elderly, we're not burglers, we don't go out and get drunk every weekend and smash windows or other people's faces - oh but we're of the same sex so that ruins everything!  )
I've written this thread out five times now and deleted most of it. I don't really know what I'm asking as I know that every family will be very different but has anyone experienced anything really negative telling parents they're pregnant - although I'm mostly interested in non-bio responses as I wonder if the bio connection makes things easier for some that may otherwise find if difficult? 
Going to stop writing now and just hit post.
Thanks
Lumi


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## katena (Nov 14, 2007)

Hey...

Just wanted to to say i was was sorry to hear about your family...it sounds really difficult to live with!!  

Whilst we're still TTC...we have told both sides of our family...all have been great on both bio and non bio sides...bar my dad...(technically ne would be bio grandad).

When i told him he said that that he wasn't sure if it was 'right'...that he thinks a child needs a mum & dad...i think hes forgetting that he was such a   role model and actually moved out when i was 11 after having 2 affairs!!  

Now....well..he treats the subject like a huge elephant sat in the room...if we dont talk about it..it doesnt exist!!

K


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

lumi - congrats on the pregnancy wonderful news!!  and twins thats ace.

im really sorry to hear about your mum.  its such a shame for her really .. and makes things hard for you ... it must feel like utter pants to have her disapproval.

i have to say that while it all turned out in the end absoultely fine my DP had a terrible time coming out in her early 20's and her mum didnt ever tell her dad ... my dp told him 12 years later when she bought a house with her GF at the time.  she was very worried about what her mum and dad would say to our being together and TTC .... but weirdly they have been really really great about it, i guess they moved on in the last 20 years.  and now they love our baby.  they dont make any distinction she is non bio grandaughter.

i think your mum will sotften when she meets your beautiful twinnies .... even if she doesnt ever really approve in her mind, i think it would be very hard not to love the children .... she might not know how to talk to her church friends about them, or might not be flashing photos around ... which will be very sad for her.

how are your other family members?  brothers/sisters/dad?

good luck with the pregnancy.


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## Debbie&#039;s Wife (Jan 14, 2010)

Hi Lumi, congratulations on your twins!

My family has been very accepting of DP, I didn't come out to my family until I met her. But if I was lucky enough to be actively TTC I would be very worried about telling my mum, but thats down to age rather than anything else (I'm hoping she's see it differently ie. see me as more grown up, once we're CP'd). I think my mum sees herself as far too young to be a grandma (she's 54), but she knows people younger than her who have grandchildren. To be honest I think she's a bit snobby about it lol. Personally I like the idea of being younger because I would love any children I might be lucky enough to have to get to spent time/days out with grandparents like I did when I was little... in fact my grandparents were older but we still got to go to different places before my grandad had to give up driving.

I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice for you... but I am thinking of you and I agree with Aimee that your mum won't be able to help but fall in love with the twins when she sees them.


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## lesbo_mum (Dec 22, 2008)

Em's i didnt know you hadnt come out the closet until you met Debs   Louise didnt come out to her family until we had been living together for 6 months   I'd like to point out we lived in a one bedroom house... how they didnt know is beyond me lol

Lumi- Congrats on the twinnies...

My mum was always ok about it all TTC, CP and coming out but i'm not paticularly close to my mum so that could be why  

However we had some issues with Louise's mum, nan, and brothers when we wanted to have our CP but they have come around now. As for TTC Louise's mum was a bit off about it at first but has now come around.. Louise's dad has always been ok with us. But her brothers are still unsure about us TTC... one of them as come around a bit but the other thinks its "wrong"..

We do both think though once we have a baby they will change their minds as i overheard the one who thinks its wrong taking to Lou's dad saying if they have a boy we'll have to take it to football... we cant have it ending up all fluffy and pink lol


Em x


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## lucky2010 (Jan 10, 2006)

congrats on the twins!!

Julie didn't come out to her Mum until she was 40 (when we got together)!! That was worse than telling her we were having a baby 5 years later. She was a bit 'off' about the idea of us having a baby but now adores him more than life itself!!!!

good luck


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## Lumi (Jan 14, 2010)

Thanks for your comments and thoughts (and congrats). While everyone's situation is different it's really useful and helpful to know that not everyone has had a smooth ride, incl on the old coming out experience. It's amazing what some people choose to be blind to/not 'notice'!
Since starting this post I have, after general consensus, emailed my mum the news and have been told by other family members not to expect to hear from her too soon. However, one of her closest and oldest friends has said she thinks she'll come round and love the little uns. Time will tell but I'm kind of at the point now where if she can never cope with it, that's for her to deal with and not me. Soon I'll have my own little family to worry about. My aunt called me after my mother had called her after receiving my email. I guess she (my aunt) was very shocked - they're a rather traditional family. She didn't once say congrats but asked several times if we were both happy with it. Er, no, it's been a complete shock. We had no idea you could get pregnant from IVF. If we'd known, we wouldn't have gone through with it.  

Incidentally, OH's parents and family are over the moon and my sister is v happy for us (my father died when I was two). So we do have support there. And my mum's oldest friend mentioned above is being fantastic. All in all I feel in a better place now, maybe because my mum knows, even though I haven't heard from her!


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## halo3 (Nov 9, 2008)

My father hasn't spoken to me for over 2 years, now he has a grandson who he has never met, at first I was upset but now that I have a child and know the immense overwhelming love that you feel I find it harder to understand his behaviour even more.  

My baby is my world I love every bone in his little body, just thinking about how much I love him makes me well up , I am sure in his life he will behave in ways which I find hard to understand but I would, could never  imagine not wanting to be part of his life, or rejecting him.

I now feel sorry for my dad that he is missing out on this amazing child, I guess it will be harder when my little one is older and asks questions but we can prepare for that.

I have spent too much time getting upset by my fathers behaviour and have found the best thing is to let it go, you can only be yourself and if your family find that hard to accept then that is their issue.

Good luck with the twinnies x


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

on the news this morning the statistics were announced from a national opinions survey and apparantly belief that same sex relationships are wrong has fallen from 64% in 1982 to 38% last year ... so things are improving!


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## Lumi (Jan 14, 2010)

halo3 said:


> My father hasn't spoken to me for over 2 years, now he has a grandson who he has never met, at first I was upset but now that I have a child and know the immense overwhelming love that you feel I find it harder to understand his behaviour even more.


This is really sad, especially when you hear of some grandparents desperate to see their grandchildren and they're denied contact for one reason or another. I think you're right about letting go. People are what they are and that cuts both ways. I think I'm realising that now. Que sera sera. My twins will either know my side of the family or they won't, but they'll still be loved by us.

Aimeegaby, I saw that survey result and was pleased by it - except it obviously hasn't filtered through to kiddies and their "that's so gay" drole. I think it was in relation to this survey where I read something which said "[blah blah] homosexuals and lesbians". Isn't that like saying "**** sapiens and women"?!!


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## LiverLou (Jan 8, 2010)

Hi,
Have posted on non-carrying Mums thread but just seen this one.
My parents reacted badly when I came out 20 years ago. We gradually established a sort of distant relationship on a sort of "Don't ask, don't tell" basis. After many years of non-committed relationships I fell in love with my DP 4 years ago and we moved in together. My parents gradually accepted (or so I thought) I was now in a committed relationship and met my DP and even came to ours for Christmas with my sister and family. Both DP and I worked hard to build relationships and we thought things were going well until we told them we are expecting twins in July.

Their response was viscious and breath-takingly nasty. We are evil, our children will hate us, the world will despise them, I will be 60 when they are 15 (Not sure why this seemed to be such a dreadful thing) and we will receive no support and split up due to the strain and our children will be brought up by paid carers... Actually, writing it out makes me realise just how deranged they are.

So I have simply severed all contact and told my sister I am finished with any attempts at communication. I am sad and angry but realising that the most important thing now is for us to try and protect our children when they arrive from contact with people who think like this and to try very hard to be the best parent I can be.
I know that 38% is still way too high a number but the improvement in people's attitutes is happening and I just hope that will continue.
I just hope that my poor experiences of parenting won't lead me to repeat that poor parenting with our Children.


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## babylemonade (Feb 24, 2010)

I was very moved reading some of your replies and it's made me reflect on my own situation in a way I hadn't before. I didn't have my 1st female partner until my 30s, the first one lasted a year and then my 2nd partner came along and we wanted to live together. It's kinda weird telling your parents that when you are in your 30s, mine were a bit shocked but supportive and now my mum esp loves my DP (she is adorable). We are in our 1st month ttc and whist my dp has discussed it with her parents I haven't with mine. I wanted to be able to tell them that I'm pregnant not that I'm ttc.  I think they would express worries about a child without a father and any hassle they might get because they have 2 mums. I figured that they might not be very +ve about us ttc but they would be +ve about having a grandchild from me. I just didn't want to hear anything -ve about something I think we should all be very proud of. Ladies, we are changing the world, one little step at a time.

Good luck to all your special families.


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## magsandemma (Oct 18, 2006)

Hi Lumi

Just a quick note while Lou watching in the night garden, lol.  Big Congrats, twins you girls will be busy, lol.

Just wanted to say that I had similar experience with my step-mum, she is also very religious and couldnt get her head around me being with emma to start with even, big arguements and debates, then when we were trying to get preg I told my dad for him to tell her if he wanted as I wasnt up for the arguements or lectures about how it wsnt normal etc etc.  Anyhow I told my parents when I was 10wks preg and again dad told her the news, dad always seemed fine with everything as hes very laid back easy going altho I do think he found it a bit strange at first.  I never heard from my stepmum from when I was 10wks preg until just before I had Lou, however as soon as Lou was born it was like she was a diff person and there had never been a problem, very strange but I really hope it is the same for you guys.

Try to not let it get to you I know its hard but just enjoy your pregnancy and hopefully they will come around in the end!

Maggie
xx


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## bobinski (Feb 18, 2010)

Hi Lumi - we had a mixed set of reactions about our pregnancy.

We had to tell my parents we were TTC for a variety of reasons and so they had a bit of time to come round to it (though it did take some time) before getting really excited about the whole thing.

We told my DP's parents when we had conceived (I was carrying the baby) and they were very very unhappy, saying some really horrible things to us and about us (particularly about the baby not being part of their family) (I think for both sets of parents it meant they had to confront our "gayness" and realise that this was no longer a possible passing phase) ....... however ...... they did come round and, despite our fears, came to meet _*their grandson * _ on the day he was born and have been totally besotted ever since giving us loads of support - even doing some babysitting when i've gone back to work.

It was a long and rocky road and we were sure it wouldn't end up like this - both sets of parents are really religious and come from small country communities but we, and our baby, have been embraced by all family and their friends - even to the extent of being introduced to my in-law's vicar!


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## Lumi (Jan 14, 2010)

bobinski said:


> I think for both sets of parents it meant they had to confront our "gayness" and realise that this was no longer a possible passing phase


I think this is VERY true for me too!

I get a lot of "oh, once they're born, who could resist them" etc but my mum is STARTING to come round and sooner than I thought, just a month after telling her - she actually asked how OH was and wanted to know the results of the sexing scan, but I don't yet know if she'll be 'granny'. I've had two letters from wider family members telling me how much I have distressed my mother and how theologically it's not right - and in one case, how it's not right theologically, ethically or practically, although if your ethics and morals are from theology, how can you put them as something separate?

Maggie, your step-mum's behaviour is fascinating, if you don't mind me saying! It's nice that you have a good relationship with your dad though
thanks for your words too, babylemonade. We are all changing the world - hopefully breeding a little more tolerance and compassion.


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