# Any words of wisdom or advice?



## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Girls,

Struggling a bit today with donor choice. As most of you know, my family are entirely blonde/red headed, blue eyed, and fair/very fair. I have always wanted my child to fit in from a looks perspective and have tried to match donor characteristics accordingly. 

My egg donor has dark blonde hair and blue eyes which is not a bad match. I would have preferred light blonde/red hair but understand that us red heads are in the minority, so am OK with this.

The clinic has just offered me the best sperm donor match they have and he's brown haired with blue/grey/green eyes and medium colouring. Apparently they do not have a single blonde/red, blue eyed donor available and will not have in the timeframe of my tx.

They have said I can import from ESB but I refuse to pay the £1000 pregnancy slot for doing this, it's just too much on top of a DE cycle at UK prices. And even importing from another sperm bank will be more expensive than going with the clinic's bank. 

So, am I just getting far too hung up on all this? Does it really matter? Am I crazy for trying to engineer the child's colouring anyway....in the real world I might have fallen in love with someone black, Indian, Latin American or whatever....and had a child with completely different colouring.....the sperm donor match is not that far off...so why am I getting so stressed out about it?

I feel like I have no choice but to accept this donor so I guess all I'm looking for is some reassurance and advice on how to feel comfortable with my choice rather than feeling, as I do now, pressurized into something I'm not entirely happy about 

Feel free to tell me I'm making mountains out of molehills here - perhaps that's what I need to hear?!

Suitcase
x


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## wizard (Nov 6, 2008)

Suitcase I don't envy your position.  The thing about colouring and wanting a child to look 'yours' is completely understandable but even if you did get a 'better' match, your donors' own parents may look quite different from them and your child may inherit their looks rather than the donors i.e. skip a generation.  For all you know your donors may look quite like you in terms of facial shape and features but just have different colouring! 

On a personal note I am blonde and fair and my Dad had jet black hair and olive skin.  As it turned out, he wasn't my bio-dad but I don't think that anyone we came across ever thought that for a minute.  Ironically people used to say that I got my wavy hair and my asthma from him. And sometimes, kids aren't the spit of their bio parents.  My sister (who was his) also had blonde hair and fair skin.

It sounds like you're not prepared to go to an other sperm bank (understandably), and as you've said before you want a healthy baby and not a mini-you.  Whatever the physical characteristics your child inherits you will have grown them in your womb and given them life and they will be yours through and through.  They will grow up in your home with your values and your family will be their family.  They will hear your voice, and watch you and the way you move and carry yourself form the moment they are born (they will feel all of it before then!).  The fact they may or may not have your colouring will not change any of that.

Good luck - perhaps your anxieties reflect the stress of starting tx (there's always something to worry about!) and that donor eggs is / was a big step.  

Take care
Wizard x


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## ameliacooper (Aug 12, 2007)

Hi Suity

I understand your predicament entirely but just wanted to add my opinion.

You never know what your child will look like (even if it is biologically yours).  When  Lex was born she looked nothing like me (I didn't think) but no one said so  .

Even if you had a perfect match there's still no guarantees the baby will come out like that.  

I do promise you this though - that whatever your little one looks like the love you will feel will be overwhelming.



Axx


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Hi Suitcase

I think what Wizard and Amelia have said is so true and i also feel that you know all this to be true yourself - you may be anxious about other areas and it is perhaps affecting your decision... 

I totally understand your wish to do the best that you can to help your child to fit in to your family and as looks are often our first line of information, it is natural that you would want to match things up... if your wider family is homogenous in terms of looks then maybe you will be the one to shake it up and that may not be a negative. Would it surprise you to have an independent child who is happy to have a different story from everyone around him/her?? 

I do think that the donor characteristics are not so dramatically different as to mark out your child as too different ... If you had siblings who were all girls, then any children others may have will have their partners' characteristics too... equally any male siblings' children will have another influence so it really is up to mother nature what she decides to dole out... also from what I have picked up about your family, they will be delighted at the new addition irregardless of looks ... 

I loved Wizard's point about values and about the picking up of gestures etc. which is what i seem to notice about friends' kids more so than looks...

I hope you are happy with the choice  you finally come to - and more importantly that this tx is the one for you!

Lots of love
Maya


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Honey its a hard one - but remember even if you match appearance of donors with family - you never know what our genes will throw back at us...  My mum's family are a right mixture - mum had very blonde hair and blue / grey eyes and pale skin, one sister has dark hair and green eyes and other is dark haired - quite tanned with brown eyes.  It's all in the mix honey.  
I think that you need to think about what's important - being a mum or the characteristics of the child?  the child will take on so many of your mannerisms that colouring will fade into the back ground.  
My cousins twins (non identical) couldn't be more different - in colouring and looks.  Those that don't know baby is conceived by double donor will always pick out some similar features to you.  
It's a tricky one - I know at first I was looking for a donor with Mediterranean type colouring to match mine - now I'm happy as long as the blood group is the same as me.  Again that is my choice - some aren't bothered about blood grouping.  (Makes it a lot more easier to explain if you do not want to disclose donor eggs with some medical staff).
All the best honey - I'm sure you'll reach the right decision for you x x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Suity it is hard, but when I went to my CRM consultation  my donor wasn't with me (his partner was) and the Dr was looking at me and ticking boxes on colouring then he asked about my donor so we debating between light and medium and dark skin colour -  he has tanned-ish skin apart from when he is spray / fake tanned, but we said to his that we described him as 6 ft 3, dark hair and dark skinned  and that when he went to the clinic he had to grow 3 1/2  inches and be well tanned!  We then realised I wasn't trying to design the ideal baby.

L x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thank you all so much for your wise words.

You're quite right Maya, I do know all this myself, I think I'm just feeling a bit out of control with this DE cycle (vs OE where the actual act of doing the injections etc gives you a stronger sense of control) and I'm compensating for that by trying to control the aspects which I can - one of which being the sperm choice. And I suppose it just didn't occur to me that they wouldn't have a single blonde/blue eyed donor - seems like a fairly common mix...

My rational mind knows full well that the child's colouring isn't the important thing, and that they will be part of my family for so many reasons, none of which have to do with the colour of their hair or eyes. 
It's my irrational mind which is letting this become a much bigger issue than it needs to be...and like I said, a lot of that is about trying to impose some control on an uncontrollable situation. I need to learn to let go  

None of this is helped by the stresses of thitoday/this coming week - my brother in law has surgery tomorrow so I'm up at my sisters babysitting and as much as I love my nieces and nephew it's hard work, and I'm juggling that with actual work, and my impending sign language exam on Monday for which I have done no preparation at all 

Just need to take a few relaxing breaths and try not to let it all get on top of me I think...

Thank you all again for your replies, it really helps...
Suitcase
x


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Suity - the others have given you some fantastic advice but I just wanted to mention my experience in case it is helpful.  I have dark brown hair and brown eyes, whereas Jasmine is fair haired with really big blue eyes, so quite different to me.  Her eyes have led to loads of comments from people and quite a few have asked if she gets her eyes from her Daddy.  Sometimes these Daddy questions make me feel a little uncomfortable, BUT I also love every single tiny detail about my precious little baby, especially her beautiful eyes - she is the baby I was meant to have - I'm sure you will feel the same way about your baby whatever decisions you make in creating him/her. 

Some1

xx


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## madmisti (Sep 1, 2008)

Suity - wow, there are some very wise and eloquent women on here aren't there! Has all been said but just wanted to add that I think having the female donor similar to you is more important than sperm donor cos that is how it is for babies conceived naturally. As others have said, you can never tell how a child will turn out by looking at parents. If a child doesn't look that much like one parent, people assume they look like the other. My mother is under 5'3, fair, blue eyes and petite - I am 5'8, brown hair, hazel eyes and not petite (to put it mildly!)

I think you have a lot of insight into why you are feeling this concern and panic, which is good. All of these worries etc will fade into nothingness when you have your beautiful baby in your arms  

Take care hun
M xx


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Suity

I too do not envy your decision, it is hard enough choosing one donor let alone two.  Our donor has blonde hair blue eyes, but F is going slowely darker from his blonde start. I have blue eyes too and so does F. I was blonde as a child then went brown.  My dad has jet black hair and Mums is quite light in colour.

Good luck honey you deserve some.

 Chowy and a crying Chowy Pup.


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## starbuck (Apr 12, 2009)

Hi Suity

I had exactly the same problem with LWC.  I also wanted blue eyes with fair hair.  On my first cycle I was really upset to start with that I couldn't have this and that there was no other alternative.  I came around to the idea that actually it wasn't that important as I was going to love the baby no matter what and you can never guarentee what he/she will look like no matter what the donor.  This cycle again the donor didn't match my criteria but somehow this didn't even vaguely bother me and I was really excited to get him.  

Good luck with your decision and tx.

Starbuck


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## Violet66 (Dec 28, 2007)

I completely understand your angst. I'll be having double donor IVF in the next 3 months and I'm forever getting my knickers in a twist about it. 

In my case i am not too hung up on colouring - my obsession is all to do with the donor's personality and intelligence. I'm not convinced it's all down to nurture and I worry about whether one (or both) of the donors might have been humourless or a bit dim and that it might come out. I know it's shallow, and unreasonable but it does concern me at times. Everyone in my family is bright, sparky and creative - what if my kid doesn't fit in? 

But as the others have all said the genetic melting pot is such a strange thing that none of us know what it is going to turn out. Since I've made the decision to go for donor IVF I have become obsessed with looking at couples and their children in the street and I've noticed such a hodge podge. 

Both of your donors would need to have the red hair gene in order to have a red headed child - so one red headed donor wouldn't necessarily increase your chances.


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## muddypaws (Apr 10, 2008)

Hi suity,
In terms of genetics, even if the donor has your colouring you need to know their family history to know what other eye/hair colour genes they may have in their make up. You could still get blond hair even if donor has brown if he has 2 blond genes as well as 2 brown as brown is dominant to blond. My mum had virtually black hair and green eyes and we all have blue eyes and blond-light brown hair. I'd just go for it with the donor offered...I went for a brown hair/eyed donor rather than blond/blue when both offered as decided to choose the one who had Uni education in family history! May seem shallow but thought that more important to me. Good luck missus with whatever choice you make.  

Muddy x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Re Red hair my friend has long bright red hair (I was always jealous of her as a child and my Mum still commnets on it and how beautiful it is), her parents were blonde and light brown, she had a red haired aunt. Her DH has light brown hair and she has 3 bright red, spitting image of her children with red hair.  I always thought red was  autosomal recessive gene but maybe not
L x


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

I'm really suprised that LWC with the biggest sperm bank in the country obviously don't have enough blonde hair/blue eyes donors, but I guess that it is probably one of the most requested combinations.

JJ I am sure that when I learnt about genetics red hair is recessive and so both parent's need to be carriers of the gene, same as blue eyes.

Suity I hope that you are feeling better about your decision  

Bingbong x


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hmm, interesting about the red headed thing. My red hair comes from my mum's side. Her father had red hair, as does she and one of her 2 sisters. I am not aware of there being any red on my dad's side but it could well be a recessive gene as his family (like my mums) are predominantly Welsh...and red is more common there....

Anyway, I'm OK about it all now. I know it's silly to worry about colouring, I think it was just an attempt to stay in control of something which is simply not controllable. I'm practising learning to let go  

Been a long and busy day with the kids so haven't had time to be sitting around dwelling on it anyway  

Thanks again for all your kind words, it's so lovely to have such great support here, 
Suitcase
x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello Suity

I don't know if this is any help at all but.......

My donors were both dark hair/eyes, the same as me, and I'm sitting here with a  blonde, blue eyed little boy!! The dark hair is deceiving in the pictures. Of course, maybe that colouring could change but I have a feeling not. 

But I totally understand your thoughts about it all xxxx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Thanks LL...Alfie is very lovely btw  

Funnily enough after all that, the clinic called this morning and said that a blonde/blue eyed donor is now available so I've gone with him (apparently he's less popular because of height - at 5ft 6, but egg donor is tall, so I'm Ok with that, and he has a pen sketch which I wanted....)

Even more funnily, when they called I actually didn't really mind one way or another. Think my wobble on Friday was less to do with sperm donor at all, and more to do with this whole ED thing. Not that I'm not totally committed to it as the way to have my much wanted family, but at the end of the day let's face it, it wasn't my first choice (that would have been partner and children the 'traditional' way), my second choice (IUI with donor sperm), or even my third choice (OE IVF with donor sperm)....and as this cycle gets closer and closer I suppose I just can't help still wishing that things had turned out differently.
I know for sure that once I'm pregnant/holding my child (  this time it works) then none of this will matter at all, just got to get to that point...

Anyway, thanks once again to you all for your support,
Suitcase
x


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## starbuck (Apr 12, 2009)

hmm having said I was fine with my donor I'm now jealous they found you a blonde/blue eyed donor  .  They told me I would have to import to get a blue eyed donor..... Strange that they mention less popular - as if we have a choice !  My current one is also only 5ft 6.

Anyway am glad you are happy with both your donors now and will keep my fingers crossed that this one works.

Starbuck


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

Suity - wobbles are allowed - I went thro loads before my DEIVf.
Take care x x x


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## winky77 (Nov 27, 2007)

Hi Suity and everyone...
just read through all the interesting perspectives on here. It is fascinating how our thought patterns go .....as I am sat here with my ESB donor list trying to make a choice of a new sperm donor.....Interestingly colouring is probably the last thing on my wish list.....intelligence comes first (fickle as I am) closely followed by what I can discern about personality (which is why I like the audio interviews you can get with ESB)....having had so many failed cycles 'proven' donors are definately more attractive to me now than before.....and despite being of diminutive stature myself I definately have a cut off with blokes under 5ft 9 as I want to compensate for my short  genes!  

Suity...you are intuitive and self aware enough to have already recognised that this is not really about looks but the wider issue of control...and I can completely relate to that.  But just think about how in control you will be in the next 9 months.....it is your body who will grow this child into a unique human being...genetics are just a flexible blueprint of potential......and then your love and nurturing beyond that will be the main thing that shapes to what extent that potential is realised. 

Ok.....that's my contribution and now back to shortlisting my donor profiles! 
lol
..Winky


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

LL all babies are born with blue eyes, but not sure how old they are when they change to their proper colour.  Looking at pics of Chowy Pup, he was quite blonde when born but seems to be going darker.  Genetics they are a weird thing.

Suity as you say when you hold YOUR baby in YOUR arms  none of this will matter, he will have been made for you and you only and it will be you who will carry him for 9 months and you who will love him for a lifetime.  

C and C pup who is currently asleep under his baby gym.


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