# Feeling negative after a negative cycle



## Smurf2 (Mar 4, 2011)

Feel the need to get this out of my head, and onto paper (or the screen) so to speak.

I know that we were not guaranteed, or possibly even expecting, a positive result with our first DE IVF cycle...and in some respects i was preparing myself for seeing that negative preg test that i saw on friday morning.  I guess what i didn't expect was the incredible doubt / loss of hope that this DE IVF thing will work for us.  I had got past, what in some ways is another hard thing for the mind and emotions, the idea that this would not be my egg and would be donated.

Having had a blast put back in (ok - maybe it might have worked if i had had 2 put back) and for it not to have worked it throws up doubt in my mind as to whether i can ever get pregnant again - be it DE IVF or even some miracle of one of my own eggs implanting.

I feel that i need to be the strong, decisive, positive one as although my husband is supporting me, it was ultimately my need/want/decision to pursue DE IVF.  If i start to waiver, then this whole thing becomes even more uncertain.

In my brain, i know that ivf is a bit of a process - and that one individual procedure may not result in a positive - but that hopefully after a few go's it might work.  However, we can't financially (and emotionally, and putting life on hold for too long) carry on this for much longer.  I guess i'm just scared and so uncertain about everything.  Last week before i tested, i felt more positive about life in general and felt strong.  Now i just feel a bit weak and fragile.

It doesn't help that most of my friends have got no.2 with ease and in the time that i lost a pregnancy, had two cycles of ivf everyone else has moved on.  This is so ingrained in my mind and my heart, and i don't know how i'll resolve it for the future.  I love my son so much and am trying to make the most of him, but things are often tinged with sadness for me.  At the park i can't help but 'count' how many the next mum has - and just thinking about my friends fills me with envy that they are on maternity leave with no.2 and i have no idea if i'll achieve that now.


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## ♥MillyMax♥ (Nov 21, 2005)

Smurf2 said:


> Feel the need to get this out of my head, and onto paper (or the screen) so to speak.
> 
> I know that we were not guaranteed, or possibly even expecting, a positive result with our first DE IVF cycle...and in some respects i was preparing myself for seeing that negative preg test that i saw on friday morning. I guess what i didn't expect was the incredible doubt / loss of hope that this DE IVF thing will work for us. I had got past, what in some ways is another hard thing for the mind and emotions, the idea that this would not be my egg and would be donated.
> 
> ...


Hi Smurf

I know we have spoken before honey when you were deciding on the right clinic path for DE for you.   to you for your recent result.

I cannot offer any advice regarding your current feelings and heartache when you see other more than plus 3 families but hope someone will be along soon in a similar position to help you.

Reason I wanted to reply to your post was that since we last spoke on here, I wanted give you some hope with DE, I have just been through a DE cycle at Shady Grove and tested positive a couple of days ago and although very early days for me my levels are hugely positive and reassuring. I know this is a clinic you had initially looked at and thought maybe it might be worth a revisit for you.

Hope you don't mind me contacting you and hope I can give a positive slant to first cycle DEIVF.

Wishing you much success for the future in whatever path you decide to continue your journey  

MM
x


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## Smurf2 (Mar 4, 2011)

Thanks Millymax.  So pleased that your treatment has gone so well.  I think we were just unlucky this cycle - it is such a gamble.  If money was no object , and if we didn't already have our son, i would've seriously considered shady grove.  Given that i'm already lucky enough to have a family, i didn't want to plough disproportionate money (and time away) with ivf.
There is still hope, but i think i need to try to balance out the 'what if' it doesn't work and also be able to cope if we decided to stop further treatment.
I have frosties to go back for so that is some help.


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