# Advice please.... Like buses!



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Dear ladies,
Help.  Confused.com.  Why is it like bus, wait for one forever and nothing, and then two at once!  Adoption link, linked us to a sibling group of three.  The last three working days have been manic.  They a lovely, love the look of them, the older one is slightly older than within our range, but you know I feel it doesn't matter.  It will be a challenge and a handful.  They have had our CPR and sent us the par.  There are 6 links on Al.  She has tried to contact them, but not spoken yet so don't really know where land lies.  These are children from a long distance to us.  So......
Our so calls, with a baby.  Cute as a button.  She is is family finder.  Read his CPR and now confused.  What do we do.  Little one might additional need it the future as might the other children, but these are stated.  Not so keen on parental back ground. Lo is a young child.  But not feeling it reading the par.  They are very keen to proceed and want to meet.  Only meeting us if we agree to go ahead.  If lo needs develop it will be a very different family experience.  They are one, so would need to add later down the line if we had strength!
We both read them and felt he could be ok, but feel a much greater pull to the sibling group.  However, they might not want us.....
Advice, thoughts..... Gratefully received.  I know I shouldn't feel like this as I have been moaning and waiting, so shouldn't complain, but, really struggling xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

We was in the same position, one link fell through due to a competitive match then all of a sudden 3 family finders got hold of us and was all persuading us to take their children...

I felt a stronger pull to a girl but unfortunately knew on paper because of her unknown additional needs I had to go for the boy who we was linked with months back but fell through...He has now been with us over a year, I felt awful for the girl and the decision and she haunted me for a fair few months...I think of her now but only hoping she found her perfect family.

Do what feels right for you and your family, listen to your heart but let your head do some thinking too .

Good luck it is hard xx


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## Nieta (May 7, 2015)

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place! You're leaning towards the sibling group but might not get it. The baby seems to not tick some of your boxes and comes with great uncertainties but is yours if you want him. Hmmm... I think you have to decide if getting a (any) child is more important than getting the right one(s). I can't tell you what to do but it seems quite obvious who you want  .


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

All of the children could be right child.... I believe would parent the sinking group or the single one well and once we decide we would be committed.

I just don't know, so many uncertainties. If wait for sibling group it could be a no..... But could be a yes, could drag on.... And if we went for lo, we could be living family life... No one knows what's around the corner...

Arghhhh I am so confused and stressed... Probably end up with none now! Xx


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Oh FMN - I feel for you. Tough decisions to make. Head or heart? We had poss link with two gorgeous sibling boys who I fell for with my heart. Then had link with our daughter who on paper was everything we ever wanted but didn't pull on my heart so much then but oh does she now!! I think when they are younger you don't see so much personality so it's sometimes harder to feel that pull towards them. But they grow up too and if our daughters anything to go by develop into the most gorgeous personality ever!  Lots to think about. I am sure you will make the right decision. Hugs xxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I guess it's the level of uncertainty with Baby, could be find, or very challenging, both life changing!
The sibling group are a little older, so more known, but lived with more.
I am so torn and undecided.
Xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

It's so hard FMN x
I would say think carefully about what support is being offered, both choices are likely to need something in place. Would you get adoption allowance for the group, three children is an expensive business!
You're right to consider how much the older children have been through, sometimes problems do not show themselves until the move to a permanent family has been made.
Sorry to sound clinical about it but I think you do need to be a bit objective, too easy to fall for a photo!  

Hope you get more info on group soon hopefully will help you decide.

Good luck!!


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

CPRS side by side, sibling groups are more comfortable, more uneasy with the CPR of singlet.  However, all are cute.  I guess just had a weekend to dream about the siblings!
It's all a little crazy and feels rushed.  I just doubt the honesty sometimes.  All needs to be a leap of faith I guess. Xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I don't want to dampen your enthusiasm or sound like a negative nanny but please please think carefully about the sibling group. Read up on sibling trauma and what the older one may have went through (esp if out with your previous ages). CPRs are only the tip of the iceberg and a sub group of 3 is harder to place generally so the CPR could be slightly more persuasive iykwim. 

Baby or older sibs could have lots on undiagnosed issues which you need to deal with later down the line anyway. So think worse case in both and see what feels right in long term. I've read so many poorly written CPRs and its speaking to FCs and SWs that bring the child to life.

By the way my lo was a hard to place baby with lots of uncertainty and many delays and is now thriving and caught up (who knows for future but we will face it together no matter what). There's many on here who've adopted sibs together and had great success but they've made sure they've really been prepared for the what ifs if I recall.
X


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Three is a LOT. I know that sounds obvious but one of the things that makes that settling in period with adoptions is the intense one on one bonding. You need to think about how you would do that with three. I wouldn't even know how to cope on a day to day basis with three children with no issues! Read Weemofraz's posts if you haven't already about a disruption which happened with sibs who NEVER should have been placed together and that will give you tips on things to ask/look out for if that's what you decide to do.

Could you, without breaking confidentiality, give us categories of what issues the singly against the sibs have as it might help us put the issues into context for you. Was it Dawn on here who adopted three? She was defo a sibling group but it may have been two.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

You know what, whatever happens, I believe you will make whatever decision you make WORK.  You're that kind of person.    I'm very excited for you, although I can see it's so hard and stressful! 

Just ask lots of questions.  How often has singly been seen by their SW?  How well does SW know sibling group?  has a sibling assessment been done?  Who by, and what was the methodology? (i.e. an afternoon trawl of paper reports or a proper observation and interaction over weeks?)

If the singly were the same age as the middle child of the sibling group, how would you feel about them then?  I'm always a bit wary of the 'baby' pull.  

You can do this.    Good luck!


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks for all your messages.  I have only seen one photo of bubs.  They are cute, but changed in last month.  

AoC you are right we will love them no matter what, once they are yours we will deal with it, no other choice.  I need to feel we have made an informed decision then come what may dh and I can say we did right with the information we had at the time.  Anything could happen in a week or a year!  Life throws things at you.

This is a real struggle.  The sibling group haven't shortlisted, so we have asked questions but they have not come back yet.

I met as dh couldn't our sw and lo ones briefly, slightly less anxious, but will wait until next week when we have had the weekend to digest.  It kinda came out the blue and a little bewildered.  It's a funny old time..... Decisions decisions!!  I had to tell my boss... They were like, it's like busses..... Made me laugh!!

Thanks for listening, any further help appreciated!! Xx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

Great advice on here as always.  We adopted a single baby who on paper has quite a high level of uncertainty and was considered difficult to place because her head size was quite large and mis-shaped for the first few months of her life and birth dad is not known so there are potentially issues there.  We asked medical officer lots of questions about her head so felt like we made an informed decision. We took the view that something like this could happen to any baby and that all babies have a degree of uncertainty whether they are adopted or not, so we went with our gut which was she was right for us. Her head is fine now and to be honest, I'm sure if I shaved all my hair off it would be a funny shape so in the end we weren't to concerned about it. You need to have as much information as you feel you need, but I do also think too much information can raise concerns that are not really there.  One of the other concerns about our lo was that she couldn't eat lumpy food (she was 9 months when she came home). I felt that this was blown out of proportion with medical officer and foster carer talking about it could mean failure of muscles in mouth develop properly, delayed speech and a whole host of other issues.  In the end it boiled down to her not liking bought jar food and foster carer not being prepared to persevere with lumps.  A week at home and she was happy with lumps and home cooked food 😉. I'm not saying ignore concerns at all, but some do need to be taken with a pinch of salt and looked at in the context of the bigger picture.  Good luck - sounds like you may need wine at the weekend


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Hi FMN 
It is hard isn't it?
We had a few potential links at once but our LOs stood out as perfect for us. Exact ages and genders we had dreamed about. Our SW acted on our behalf and fielded all the enquiries as she really believed these were meant for us. If your SW knows you well speak to them. 

How is your local support network? I honestly think taking on 3 is just massive and the only way I would even give it a thought is if I had family and close friends who were at home during the week and able to help at a moments notice. 
Having 2 LOs has been really tough at times because my support network all either work full time or live far away. The one friend who is at home and lives nearby said she would help but isn't that close a friend and hasn't been the support that she said she would be so I've felt very let down. 
I have felt utterly isolated at times, I've made some new friends through adoption support or other local parents but because they are new friends there is nobody who can help at short notice, and who I completely trust to help and not judge which I really needed at times. 

Good luck with your decision 
GG xxxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I had wine... Getting there! Meet the sw of bubs briefly, and it has helped a little in creating a whole picture.  We have the weekend and an official meeting in a weeks time.

Both have risk, as does everything. I think it was a bolt out of the blue and basically I am scared!!  I told our sw that I was a little freaked out as it is something we have waited for for so long and it's not perfect, nothing is, and I need to take a leap of faith and jump, cos I know what ever the future holds we will deal with it because as soon as I let the bubba into my heart that's it.  I don't think I have yet due to our bumping matching ride nightmares!!

It could all happen quickly and I am freaked out, I guess like end stages of pregnancy, it's something in the future, then the stark reality of the dream..... Am waffling. I know I know, but can't say it yet as know something will go wrong.

Need to go and see my head teacher today and explain the situation, gulp xxx


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

FMN - we are in a similar position, been waiting and this week got 2 really good matches. One for sibling group of 3 and the other is for pink ages 4.

All the profiles read well and really could see us with any if them.

Our SW us super delighted we are interested in the sibling group!!!

We are going to see DVD and meet SW, hopefully next week.

Our heads our spinning at the mo, so many emotions and feelings.

X


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Paula it's really hard.  We like both, loved the sibling group, however, although they expressed an interest in us, they haven't moved on anything yet, so despiting CPR and pars exchanging, we were still waiting to hear.  
Lo is ready to move, and after a few days to catch up with my own though process, I think we are there.  We need to find out more info, but dates booked in.
Like yourselves all over the place.
Good luck with the DVD, I don't know if I want to watch ours with an audience, I know I will cry!!


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

I think we are there too, decided on sibling group. ( yikes!)

It feels right and both my DH & I came to the same conclusion.

I know we will cry when we see the DVD. If it's an official match not sure when the next panel date will be but I would guess LA would like intros during the school holidays.

We told close family today and we got the response we were hoping for.

I'm feeling fluffy and excited inside.

Keep me posted FMN.

Xxxx


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Wow good luck FMN and Paula. Great to hear xxx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

Awesome news!


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

We haven't decided yet (but we have if that makes sense!) and intoning confirmed yet x
Exciting scary times..... X


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

FMN - exciting times, I know that your decision will be the right one xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Primer, who knows what's right or wrong.  It's such a scary exciting time.  I can't concentrate, have so much work to do.  If we are doing this panel will be in a couple of weeks.  I cannot tel, you how much work I have to fit into that, nevermind getting every thing for lo.... We have nothing.  Well some story books.  I was buying first and 2nd birthday gifts yesterday for friends babies and I was so tempted but didn't.  I bailed on the first birthday party, just couldn't do it.  It was full of people I didn't know all with kids, and I just thought I am not being that person today.  I felt mean, but honestly couldn't face it.  My friend doesn't know about this next stage of our lives..... Nor does a lot of people, so think it will be a huge shock for lots of people!!


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## Tw1nk82 (Dec 5, 2012)

I agree fmn it is all so scary. We wait so long for all of this then when its a reality it is proper freak out time. Im sure you will make the right decision xxxxx


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## Primmer (May 1, 2012)

We have to take that jump of faith as who knows what the future holds for any of us or our little ones x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Sending you good vibes, refreshing sleeps, and a clear head and heart.


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