# Lolly's journey to find a family



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hello everyone!  

So this is the start of our journey    We have decided we would like to adopt!!   So after completing an initial telephone chat/mini interview, receiving our application pack and sending the expression of interest form, we are not so patiently waiting on an appointment date for our first visit with the SW!

I know that this is very early in our journey to be starting a diary but I think it would be lovely to get to know some of you, and share experiences with those who have, are, or are soon to go through the adoption process.  Any support, advice, stories or simple chat would be lovely, and will help keep me sane on what is sure to be the most exciting, yet nerve wracking journey ever!!

A little about our story so far:

Me 27, DP 30.  TTC our first for 4 ½ years, with PCOS and Endo.  We have had 3 failed ICSI cycles, everything was good on paper each time, yet our little embies didn’t stay    I struggled so much with the emotional stress of treatment that we decided to stop after our third cycle and look at other avenues in order to be a family.  I work with many deprived children and while I know it is a totally different situation, have always felt that adoption would be a fantastic way to give a child a loving home and family.  DP took a little while longer to decide that this is a path he would like to take.  

We are hoping to get married within the next year, after I finish my degree in the summer.  Life is hectic as we have tried to fill it with things to deal with the massive void infertility has burdened us with.

The last few months have been hard and I find myself looking at LTTTC and treatment forums feeling the odd one out as this is no longer where I belong.  I am hoping to find a home here and regain a sense of identity.

Can’t wait to meet you all! 

Lolly  xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi Lolly, 

Congratulations on your start of journey we're both at exactly the same stage only I've got the date for my sw visit and that's in 2 weeks time. Hopefully yours shouldn't be too long now we only had to wait a week so fingers crossed you hear soon honey. 
It's so nice to find somebody at the same stage as us I hope we can keep intouch. 

Good luck and hope to chat soon
Emma xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Emma!!

Thank you so much for the warm welcome  It would be lovely to keep in touch and go through the process together, I think that would help massively  

I'm hoping that we will hear next week or early the week after as the letter we received said that upon receipt of the expression of interest form an appointment is allocated within 10 working days.  It just depends then how long the wait for that appointment is 

How exciting that you have an appointment   Do they come to your home or do you go to them?

Lolly xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hiya, 

It's so lovely to find someone at exactly the same stage as us we'll defiantly have to keep
In contact. 
The sw is coming to our house 1 night after work she was going to
Come as early as next Tuesday but she double booked do had to reschedule but waiting 2 weeks isn't so bad it will fly by. She said on the phone the course we need to go on starts in march so I assume that must be the start of the prep course. 
I'm so nervous but excited at the same time. How are you feeling at the mo? 

So lovely to meet you honey
Xxxxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Wow that seems so soon!!  Sounds like the prep course as we have been told we will follow the same pattern, initial SW visit and then 3 day prep course.  The lady I spoke to from the adoption team said that after the initial visit with the SW it is time to start telling work etc so it could all start feeling really real really soon!!

Feeling the same as you I think!  Really excited, but then the anxiety hits me and the horrible 'what ifs...' start!  But all in all feeling very positive and raring to go 

Lovely to meet you too!!   xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

ive told work already i hopless at keeping things in hehe there all being really supportive its lovely.

it does seem to be moving very quickly, i have a friend that has adopted and she has been amazing she has settles all our fears and gave loads of info.


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## Loobys

Hi

Just wanted to pop by and say Hello and goodluck on your journey.

although not at the same stage as you, i am looking forward to reading your journey, this time last year we was coming to the end of our prep group and now are approved adopter  

Love Loobys x


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## Ally Wally

hi lolly


hope you don't mind but i would like to follow your journey. we are about to send our application form off but realise that they may want us to wait 6 months due to fertility tx. hoping they will at least schedule a home visit. anyhoo...just thought i would pop in and say hi. looking forward to reading your posts.

ally

xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hello everyone  

Hi Loobys, congratulations on being approved!!  Are you playing the waiting game now? Must be so exciting that you are so nearly there  

Hi Ally!!  Looking at your siggy you have been through a lot, I am so sorry for your losses   My last treatemnt was sept/oct so technically I am not at the 6 month stage either, but the lady I spoke to was lovely and she said by the time I get moving it will be outside the 6 month period and she knows the agony of waiting around.  She said she remembered how it felt to be where we are now, was just nice to know that she knew first hand.  Hoping that you hear positive news back soon!  

Hi Emma, how are you today?  I don't blame you telling work at all.  I nearly did then decided against it for some reason.  I guess maybe I wanna tell them when I have news to tell and really be excited about!!

Hi to anyone else reading or going through this journey with us all.  Right, off to MIL's for dinner, hoping her delish Thai green curry is on the cards!!

Love Lolly xxxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hiya Lolly

im good today thanks how about you? counting down to our 1st sw visit 2 weeks today hubby is trying to get paintint in living room finished before she come's  

Have you heard anything yet hun?

I was only going to tell my managers at work 1st so they knew for meetings etc but then i thought oh i'll tell this person then this person and before i knew it everyone knew i thought oh well i have nothing to hide i'll just tell everyone and they have all been so supportive keep asking how its going but not too full on its lovely.

hows your day been? 

lovely to talk to you
chat soon
luv Emma x


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## rikschick

Hi Lolly, 
Just wanted to wish you well on your journey! Look forward to hearing more! x


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## flickJ

Best of luck Lolly, hope your appointment comes soon, the waiting will all be worth it


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Any news yet honey xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Finally I have an update  

So DP rang adoption team this morning, no reply so he left a message.  In the meantime the post came and of course our letter was there!!!  Little while later a SW returns his call and while she was on the phone he got her to give him a run through of timings etc.  She told him a lot of info and to be honest I think it was really good for him to hear it from someone other than me.  She said after our initial appointment, all being ok we will book onto the 3 day prep course which will take place either April or May depending on numbers (assuming May as everything is always longer than you think!).  After that we get our SW allocation which usually takes about a month.  From that point they do the home study which they don't like to exceed 8 months, in which time they visit 8 times, we have all the checks and give 1 family member referee and 4 friends, of which they choose 2 to send reference forms to.  She said friends with children or childcare experience is good.

I was really shocked that they don't speak to all the family members and I think DP was happy to be educating me for a change   He seemed happy and I think that the chat did him the world of good.

So I have to contact them tomorrow to arrange an appointment slot.  they run them every Tuesday and you have a choice of 4 time slots.  We have to travel to them but thats fine, quite happy with that at this stage.  Typically Tuesdays are my manic day of the week and the girl I always get to cover for me if i'm off is away on holiday for a whole month so my next free time is about 2 months away.  I don't want to wait that long if there is space before so may need to book annual leave and come up with a reason why its so important.  I have considered telling work but I wanted to after this appointment as I feel I will be able to give them a lot more detail of what will be happening over the next few months.  I guess number one priority is to ring the adoption team and work will have to fit around it.

I have a silly smile on my face and have been giddy since coming home.  Had to get on here and write it all down.  One step closer to my family, just soooo excited.  Please let this all go well       

Lolly xxxxxxxx


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## flickJ

Oh Lolly, I am so pleased you have finally heard something. Things are really moving now. It may take a little longer than you hoped but it will all be worth it in the end and you have details of the timeline which must help.

I know what you mean when you said it was good for your DP to take the phone call - I have dealt with the initial contact and sometimes it feels as though I am telling DH things but he needs to hear them from someone else!   

Good luck with everything


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Great news so glad you'v finally heard something hope you can get an appointment soon


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## Ally Wally

yay lolly..what lovely news. even i have my silly smiley face on for you. 

xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks so much ladies!!

I rang today to book an appointment and they offered me one next Tuesday!  Would have loved to take it but realistically we couldn't what with work and leave etc.  So We have one for the week after on 6th March.  I am having to shuffle annual leave about and cancel a day I had booked at end of March as mine does not get renewed until April but so be it, i'll do whatever it takes!!

Very excited and have been in the best mood.  It has been slightly dampened by my cat crisis this evening though as I have come home to find that he has been locked inside the newbuild house they are decking out for the new buyers next door.  I'm waiting on the site manager ringing me back... It been 20minutes though, how long til I chase it up.  My poor baby   

Hope all you lovely ladies are well.  Thank you again for your kind wishes, it means so much   xxxxxx


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## Ally Wally

hi lolly

sorry to hear about the kitty crisis. gosh...hope it gets sorted soon. luckily it's not too cold at the moment...actually whereabouts in the uk are you? i am in suffolk...always warmer here.

6th march? yikes...just around the corner. hurrah!


ally


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hiya honey

Awwww poor kitty hope he's out now. That sounds like something my cat would do. 

Great news on the appointment date I'll be thinking of you and don't worry honestly it's very relaxed anything you want to know just ask its all still fresh in my mind. 

Hope the cats ok? 
Emma.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi girlies   

Kitty crisis averted!! The nice man from the housing company came down to get him out   Silly boy was too scared to move so I had to go in and find him   Got to have a snoop at the new neighbours place too so all good!! He got scared of the man again as we left so he had to hide under the stairs while me and the   made a run for it!!

We are in Lancs ally. Warm but very wet at the moment!

Thanks emma that's great, assuming its just a brief get to know you session like when did you meet, what do you do, what are your hopes for adoption and the future

 xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

hiya 

she never even asked how we met just how long have you been together, how long married had any breaks! (no btw lol) any ex partners, do we have children with anyone else (no), why we want to adopted, she explained what will happen at prep course and how long the process should take she thinks we could make panel september all being well so you should roughly be the same and nothing much else really other than my weight. she had a look round our house but you wont have that yet you lucky lady no cleaning the house just yet   like my weekend was, this weekend coming up i plan to relax  

glad the kitty is home safe 
have  good evening xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for the info Emma, nice to know what to roughly expect.  I am quite glad that we don't have to worry about the house yet   Although we have friends staying this weekend so will be having a cleaning spree tomorrow evening anyway, can't get away from the damn housework!!

Yep, kitty is here with me all safe and sound, sleeping at the foot of the bed.  Creating some pretty bad smells in his sleep though, maybe it is the stress of the day coming out 

Thanks lovely, have a good one too   xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

my cat is terrible for that must be the male cat thing hehe
we put him out last night when sw came but he was at the bacck door when she went into the kitchen and she said oh let him in i love cats and he was loving the fuss he was getting all the time i was praying please dont make a bad smell  

dont work too hard on the cleaning tomorrow night hun.

night night hun


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## rikschick

Hi Lolly. 
Congrats on getting date for your appointment and well done for saving kitty! We have 3 cats and they always get into mischief! Good luck on your journey ahead xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Rickschick! I told my mum on the phone yesterday (she lives far away, well actually it was us that moved... anyways...) she cried! Bless her, I wasn't expecting it. Everyone in our family have been so amazing with everything, feel very lucky  

Wow, 3 cats! Thats a lot of fur to be hoovering up   My little one is a handful enough! But I love him to pieces, he is here with me licking the bedsheets, god knows why...!

Well I have cleaned the house top to bottom tonight ready for my friends coming at the weekend, sooo excited to see them! I don't know why i've gone so mad as they have a 2 1/2 year old so it won't stay that way! I love them as even though they are parents they don't talk baby 24/7.  Obviously the little girl is the centre of their world but they don't rub it in your face and have lots to talk about other than all the mummy and toddler groups they go to.  Plus I love their little one and can't wait to play!!

Hope you are all ok today.  Thursday tomorrow... we're getting there  

Love Lolly xxxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

have a fab weekend honey and make sure get plenty of play time with little one hehe do your friends know or are you telling them this weekend? its been amazing the support we are getting.

have fun

love emma x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

They don't know we have started the process yet.  They knew we were having ICSI but have been great and haven't asked too much, which is what I like to be honest.  I talk about it when I want too!  So they are a bit out of the loop, plus living 400 miles away doesn't help! So can't wait to tell them!!

Am going to borrow some toys from work for their little one.  Hopefully soon enough we will have our own stash of toys littering the house  

Hope all is ok with you lovely ladies xxxx


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## rikschick

Have a great weekend. Yes, get the practise in with your friend's little one! x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hello everyone!  

How are you all? I hope you all had lovely weekends… Boo to Mondays! Although saying that this time next week I’m going be a nervous/excited/gibbering wreck as it will be our appointment with SW tomorrow!! Hope the week goes quick.

Had a fantastic weekend with our friends. Ate far too much   think I need to detox! And am shattered as we had very busy days. Their LO is just gorgeous! She is a bright little button and had me in stitches most of the time! We played a game and she pulled out the paperwork that went with it and said “oooh, these instructions look complicated” She is 2!! I work in paediatric speech and language therapy and was using some of my ‘therapy techniques’ out of habit but she is soooo beyond them all!! She is functioning at around 4 years, but definitely has the ‘terrible two’ temperament! All the “carry me”, “give me my dummy”, “I want to do it myself” was coming out as she got tired!   

We went to a theme park yesterday and she wanted me to take her on the ghost train! She was giggling all the way round going “what a funny skeleton, he is scary”! I swear all the people thought I was tight taking her on a ghost train at such a young age but her mum insisted she would be fine and she was. We got off and she was going “again, again”, just like her dad did when he got off the rollercoasters!! I had her when her mum and dad went on the rides and reckon I looked quite good pushing a pram!! 

They went last night and just reaffirms why I need to be a mummy. DP said it made him want one all the more too and it is a totally different lifestyle we are so excited to embrace        

Lots of love to you all, Lolly      xxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Dear diary… Having a bit of a down day today    

I think most of it stems from too many early mornings, long working days, and being in the final couple of months of my degree   Well, that on top of the massive transition we are beginning to make, and the two ******** announcements and scan pictures posted yesterday.  Think they will always pinch  
    
Thought that writing it down may help…  So next week is our initial interview.  Wow time is dragging!  As it grows nearer I want to get excited, but DP’s nerves and frustrations over the past day or so seem to be preventing me from allowing myself.  I am terrified he will change his mind, although in my heart of hearts I know that this would never happen as we both want it so badly    He is incredibly frustrated at the level of invasiveness into our lives, the feeling of being judged, and being governed about what we can and can’t do.  All the while he assures me he acknowledges the reasons why and says that he can’t wait to be a father, he is worried about the entire process that leads us to that point.

Me, on the other hand, am very much looking forward to all the interviews, home study etc.  Not only is it a step closer to our child and family, but I like chatting to people!!  I so want him to be as happy as me, and am finding it a struggle not to be annoyed about the fact he is not.  Maybe after next week he will be, I really hope so…    

I feel incredibly guilty about all we have been through and continue to go through as it is my body that has let us down.  I know how much he craves to be a father, and I guess maybe he is still coming to terms with the fact that this will now happen in a different way 

This morning he said that he is worried about our future child having lots of needs.  I explained that all children have needs, and lots of birth children have something that may hinder their development.  We also spoke about how any child we have will have some kind of attachment or emotional need, even if it is short lived.  

He is very clued up with everything that may a possibility down the line, and I think it is scaring him    I felt bad as it was his moment to open up to me (something I have been encouraging him to do) and yet it is me that then got upset and he had to then offer comfort.  I know that this is so wrong, but I couldn’t help it    Now I am beating myself up.  

This journey is so hard    I was so happy at the weekend, and now feel so sad    I work with children day in day out.  I work with families and offer support to parents on how to interact, play and generally act positively around their child.  I have been studying children’s learning and development for the past three years.  Yet DP tells me not to think of it but I live, work, study ‘children’, so I can’t get away from it!!!!  I see so many children crying out for attention, living in poor conditions and it breaks my heart.  All I ever wanted was to be a mum, but it is the one thing I have been fighting to have for the past 6 years of my life.  It’s so hard as it is in my face every day and while I love it, it hurts so bad sometimes.

Sorry for the pity party!   Needed to get it off my chest    It can’t change anything but  I always feel better once I have let rip!!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Aww sweetie sending you lots of love

Not long till Tuesday I'm sure dp will start to get excited after that it's a very positive meeting.


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## flickJ

You really touched me with what you said, you are certainly going through a wide range of emotions (both of you). Rant on all you wish!    we are here to support you and understand what you are going through, you're not alone


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Only 3 more sleeps!  

Hope your doing ok honey 

Hugs 
Emma xxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you so much for the support Flick and Emma   

Feeling a lot better thank you.  Think we all have a meltdown every now and then!  I had a chat with my tutor at uni yesterday.  I was feeling a bit put out to be honest that the group (lots of mums) seemed to be implying that they were having a tougher time due to juggling work, family and study.  I admit that must be so tough, but I don't think that they should judge that I am 'lucky' not to have the extra pressure of children.  It's the opposite pressure.  wanted to tell them about the pressure of the fertility treatments and having to shoot up in the toilets!!  Decided not to funnily enough!!  Just had to shrug it of, but it does hurt that people see things as so black and white.  Anyway, spoke to my tutor about everything work related.  Hadn't planned to talk about the IVFs and adoption etc, but when she said you always seem so in control I did say it was often a front.  She said, 'yeah, i bet work can be hard', so I said not just that and the story came out.  Was quite therapeutic actually!!  She was great about it, and it just felt nice for someone to acknowledge that it has been tough.  I hope that the above makes sense     

So, two more sleeps!!  DP is doing good, we have had a few long chats and he said he was upset that I thought he didn't want this.  He just said that it's a strange adjustment when you have imagined something one way for all your life and suddenly you find yourself on a different path.  He admitted he was apprehensive about the process, and does still struggle with how invasive it will be but is excited about Tuesday and where it will lead us.  I guess he was having a wobble just like me and that is only natural.

I am feeling good right now, lots of Nice things in the next week.  I have just finishes an assignment so am happy about that.  My parents are up from Cornwall tomorrow.  Tuesday is our appointment.  then Wednesday we are off to Ireland to see my brother and his DF.  DP has surprised me with a mini trip for just us 2 down ton Dublin for a day out, nice meal and posh hotel.  Then back to bro's for a few more days R'n'R.  Can't wait!!  Although going to miss my fur baby soooo much!!

Hope you are all having nice weekends, and things are progressing in the right direction    

All my love, Lolly xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi sweetie

so glad your feeling better only 2 more sleeps to go wahoo let me know how you get on before you head off for your r&r

sounds like you have a fab week planned you deserve it

sending lots of luck and     

Emma xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## flickJ

Good luck for tomorrow Lolly, hope everything goes well


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Good luck for tomorrow sweetie xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you both so much!! I will keep you posted... Yikes!!     

Hope you are both well, speak super soon     xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Good luck honey let us know how it goes


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi All!  

Thank you loads for think of me Emma!

So, recently back from our initial interview.  I want to say it went well but I doubt everything at this moment, probably because my head is slightly mashed!!  We were in there an hour and a half, SW interviewed us and I think it was a student, sat back and took extra notes.  Some of it was hard, with all the timings and dates and previous relationship stuff.  All that is a past life and this path is now the future.

She did come back to the fact that we have only waited 6 months between last failed treatment and as we are relatively young she was concerned that we may change our mind.  We tried our best to make her see that that wouldn’t be the case but how can you evidence how you feel inside.  I guess on paper the 27 year old girl is still a bit in denial and things may change.  It is a bit frustrating to be catagorised like that but I suppose they have to make certain we are serious.  She didb say it was her only concern so worst case would be that we have to wait a bit longer to ‘grieve’, and then fingers crossed would sail through later in the year.  In my heart I think that they may take that stance and I know I will be upset, but at least its not a no, its a yes but not straight away.  

But on the plus side she said that my job give me good experience with children, she felt we were realistic at this stage about what to expect, was happy with overview of house, jobs and finances.  Raised a couple of things we would like more info on, like contact with birth families and maternity leave recommendations.  Its hard as so much is unique to the individual child.  She has to of course feed everything back to her manager, so we await the phone call.  I’m really hoping for a place on the prep course but it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if they say come back in a few months.  Oh well, we will have to see.  I’m not beating myself up about that yet.  And its worst case scenario, and if that’s their only worry then it’s not the end of the world.

Well i’m off to pack, then cat to the cattery (gonna miss him soooo much!!! Lol) and then mum is making tea for us all.  Hopefully I will come back from holiday with some more news

Emma, fingers crossed for you too and hoping you have a next step very soon.  Good luck to you all,

Love Lolly xxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey. 

It all does sound very positive sounds just like ours went only you with your 6 months since last treatment and me with my weight. 

Fingers crossed you get your call soon did they say how long before you get it? 
I'm sure everything will be ok and you'll be booked on the prep course soon. 

I should find out on Thursday I'm not holding out any hopes of prep course dates yet think it will be medical 1st. 

Have a fab holiday and keep me informed

Lots of love
Emma xxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Any news yet honey? Xxxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi all!

Sorry have been AWOL.  The amount of uni work has been crazy of late   and my head is mush  !!  I have been getting up and doing bits before work, in my lunch break and every night so to do anything else other than sleep has been too much!!

Anyway last thing submitted (until May, woohoo!) so I have a few weeks to catch up!

Still no news   I rang them today as have a day off.  The lady took my number etc and said she would look into it and ring me back.  That was 5 hours ago   Now I am wondering if they took my number wrong or maybe she meant ring me back at some stage, not necessarily today   I never confirm anything then do my own head in wondering!!  DF said he will ring tomorrow as he is working at home if we don't hear back before.  I doubt it now as assume they will be finishing at 5 today.  I have been phone watching all day, grrr! 

As I am not feeling too confident I have been looking into a VA in our area.  I enquired with them last year before final cycle and have their info pack already.  They look good and it was simply info evening timings that made us go with the LA.  But having met with the SW from LA I am unsure all over again.  Its hard being in limbo land.  I considered enquiring with the VA further today but think I better consult DF before I do anything.  So back to waiting by the phone...

Lolly x x x x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So got annoyed at playing the waiting game and looked into the VA we had talked to last year.  Fished out my pack and went online.  Decided to ring them and the lady was amazing and already made me feel better than I have felt in weeks!  They have an open day 31st which is this Saturday so I went for it and have put our names down.  I explained about LA and concerns that it was only 6 months.  She said this is fine and if it had only been 3 but we felt we were ready they would be happy to meet with us and make their own judgements as opposed to following the 'red tape'.  She said that time restrictions are silly when there are children waiting to be placed, and given the 8 months timescale they follow, we will be well past a year since treatment anyway so why wait.  She also said they run prep group 4 times a year but if we had just missed one would be happy to start home study so that we are not sitting around waiting.  Really we should have done this all along instead of commiting to one authority.  Of course I may feel different after Saturday but for now its all good.  This is the biggest journey of our lives, what was I thinking!!! Feeling positive all over again xxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So VA were amazing!!  

The two women were so positive and passionate about adoption.  Of course realistic that it would be a tough journey, but emphasised the partnership working stance they take and that they were there to help the process from both ours, and most importantly, the child's perspective.  They spoke about how rewarding adoption is for all involved and discussed their after care support.  Today they even left me a voicemail saying how nice it was to see us there and to contact them with any further questions.

We are sold!  Have sent the expression of interest form back and will wait for a home visit appointment.  Best get cleaning, haha!  

Lolly xxxxx


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## flickJ

That's such good news, I am so glad it was such a positive experience for you


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Flick!  It was very refreshing to have such positive people telling us that 'this will happen'  

How are you doing?  Excited and nervous with a squeaky clean house i'm guessing   xxxx You will be great


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

That's fantastic news lolly xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So we went to the VA open day Saturday.  They left a voicemail on Monday to make sure all is well and aking if we had a questions from session, which was nice.  Rang back and told them we were happy with the info we had been given and had sent the expression of interest form on that morning.  So got a letter today confirming it had been received and that we would be contacted soon to arrange and appointment for the SW to come and meet us.  They must have sent the letter the same day they got ours!  I'm impressed!!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Yay, yay, yay, initial interview number two Friday (eeeek 13th) at 2pm!!!

I have learnt from my mistakes and will be taking in a list of all past treatment, house moved, significant events dates, so when i'm put on the spot and my mind doesn't go blank I have a back up plan


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## flickJ

Good luck Lolly, that's quick - they must be impressed with you   that date may be unlucky for some people but I am sure it will be lucky for you   

I did exactly the same as you, in that I wrote down significant information because I knew I would get flustered at the interview LOL. I'll keep everything crossed for you


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Flick! 

I hope it goes well.  Not that the first one with LA didn't go well, its just the lady seemed 'suspicious' of everything we said and analysed everything.  i know it is of course their job but sometimes you just get a vibe.  We still haven't heard back and it has been a month today.  I don't know if that is long or not?  So this experience has me nervous and had a little cry today for no reason.  DF gave me a cuddle and reminded me that this is our time, a wedding and a family to plan, what could be better       

Anyways, I am so glad we found VA.  It is seems very different and a positive step. Only thing is now she comes to the house so gotta keep things sparkling, not a bad thing I supopose!!  

Happy Fridays xxxxx


----------



## flickJ

Best of luck tomorrow Lolly, positive thoughts


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Good luck for tomorrow honey xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks both of you! House is clean and I am raring to go  

Will let you know...       

Love Lolly xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So an update from today...

SW was amazing!  So lovely and positive and keen.  The only sticking point was a bit of debt we took from previous relationships after both selling houses just as the credit crunch was hitting.  She said if it wasn't for that she would have booked us on the June prep course there and then. 

But we all talked it over and she will refer back to her manager and ring back next week, and in the meantime we said were going to approach my parents to see if they would help us pay off the loan so we would be debt free (although paying them back a set amount each month, it is just not legally binding). SW said that if we kept the debt it would be questioned at panel, what if we lost a job, what if we had a sibling group placed, what if mortgage went up, what if I needed to take additional maternity leave etc etc etc.  Its best to be wiped if we possibly can help it.  She was lovely, kept apologising, and so open.  She was very pleased we proactively want it sorted and said it showed our committment.  I am so lucky to have amazing parents who are in a position to help, they have said yes and we have spoken to the banks to get them settled asap.

I'm not sure if this will hold things up until we have confirmation in writing they have been cleared, or whether we can progress in the meantime.  I guess they are just relying on our word though, so may need evidence first, which is fair enough.  

But she said she was happy we were a younger couple, in her eyes a great thing, thought we were good together, happy with the reasons why we wanted to adopted, felt we had talked it through and were sensible in our reasoning and committed to the process, good house safe and secure and ready to fill with a family, good pay and jobs, all was so good other than the damn debt!!  Honestly thought it would not be a problem as we have savings which we add to each month and surplus money on top of that, but she said it was looking outside the box, and as I said before, the 'what if' scenarios.  Plus she said that it could put other SWs off if they read that we were in debt and they may dismiss it as it looks as tghough we have been 'irresponsible'.  I think that once it is clear we will write a statement of what we have learned and how and why we will ensure that we will not get in this position again.  Hoping all will be fine once we explain to her next week.  Strangeky she thinks that doing this may actually enhance our case!

But me and DF are very happy with agency, SW and the ethos of VA, so all in all it has been a positive day.

Lolly xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

That is so amazing Lolly. Hearing other peoples positive events helps me focus on the future. Very excited for you, Going to see if I can send you a message as our stories are so similar it's scary. Keep me posted x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you for the message lovely, I have sent you a reply.

It is nice to share with others as it raises thin gs that you may not have considered, and further talking points/questiosn to ask.  I have found this site a god send and everyone here has so much to give.  Its been fab! Have been trying to get DF to join  

Happy Saturday everyone xxxx


----------



## flickJ

So sorry for the issue that was raised, but I am glad to see that you have sorted it out and reassured SW. It may take a little while, but in the grand scheme of things, what is a week or two?  

So pleased everything else went well    , keep that


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Flick  

I feel good about it now but I was a bit shocked at the time.  So lucky our families are so supportive and able to help us.  I feel embarrassed needing their input as until now we have managed to get a family home, good car, holidays, savings, all we really need, and pay the debt each month.  So they were surprised but understand and are so great!  Hoping when the SW rings this week she will be pleased with the plan.  I have also drafted a statement outlining how we have learnt from this and how we will ensure that it won't happen again (although realistically it won't as it was from past relationships, but oh well, thought might look good!)

Hope you are ok and glad to see on your thread that you are feeling more positive.  I suppose no one said it would be easy.  It is just sad though that so many issues are raised when many children are without loving families.  The SW on Friday told us that Wigan's LA has 40 children to place and only 2 adoptive families.  Sad.

Lolly xxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hello all!

So we have had a call from SW from VA (I have given up on LA, it is quite poor really, but that is another story...)  Anyway we told her our plan to clear the debt before we progress and she was very pleased and said that once we have written confirmation it is gone she can see no reasons that things won't go smoothly throughout. She will then be welcoming us to make an application and go on to the next prep course.  She was again, so positive, which is so refreshing.  We think that this will be the best thing for us, the adoption journey and then our future family.  We are excited and are happy for things to take slightly longer to ensure we are the very best we can be, ready for our future child/children  

Hope you are all well, my love to each of you   x x x x x x


----------



## flickJ

Great news Lolly,  glad she sounded so positive   It shouldn't be too long until you clear things up, by the sounds of things - then it's full steam ahead


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Flick!  I hope not, it shouldn't be too long to wait, and lots to occupy me in the meantime.  In 6 weeks I finish uni, then week away to Bulgaria, weekend in Manchester, alton towers trip, Cornwall to see family and graduation.  Hoping it'll all make the time go quick and then we will suddenly find ourself gearing up for prep.  I also hope that this SW remains assigned to our case throughout, she is so lovely!

How are you doing?  Hope you remain positive, all will be good for us.  We fought so hard to get this far, no giving up now


----------



## Smudgey

Hi Lolly , I hope you don't mind me reading your story   , thank you for replying to my post earlier .

I noticed you are in Lancs ...so are we ! Could I ask which LA and VA you have gone with as we are with LA at the min , but want to keep options open ( message me if u like  ) I did get a pack from a VA initially but they didn't call or anything , whereas LA rang and seemed more pro active , we decided on the LA purely because of what I had read that LAs get the pick of children , and VAs get older children and ones that are hard to place , but now not sure how true this is ? Confused.com ! 

When will you get more news ? X x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Smudgey, hope my reply was ok the other day! Seems like you have a good plan of action.  Thinking back when we originally enquired LA were very good and rang back off their own back etc.  But since our interview we have heard nothing (7 weeks).  I have been assured tht a report is being written but they won't commit to a timescale.  I don't mind waiting but the not knowing is always worse.  Lucky we have a good plan ourselves in terms of VA.  We are in process of sorting money bits out and think we will approach them with an update after I finish uni (4 1/2 weeks!) and after we have a week away at the end of May.  I am always pushing to speed thigs along but really going to try and chill a bit and enjoy the next few months while we pay some debt off.  Then all systems go go go!

Love to anyone reading, hope that you are all having lovely weekends xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hey Hun, 

Haven't checked in for a while so just thought I'd say hope all is going well with the last 6 weeks at Uni I'm sure you are doing great!!! Hope paper work etc is going through to sort everything for VA and finances. Take care Gwyneth x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks my love!  How are you?  

Not been so good, only gone and got bronchitis  Feeling poo!!  But on plus side we have submitted all our financial bits yesterday so hoping to hear back soon and get things moving   xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah sweetie that's rubbish sending   hope your feeling better soon! I'm ok just trying to sort out finances so we can put an offer in on a house. (Not easy when you can't take any time off.)

Glad you've got all the forms sorted you're really organised and on top of everything. Try and get as much rest as you can. Gwyneth  x


----------



## flickJ

Lolly, hope you feel better soon    Keep your spirits up


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks girlies!  

Think the worst thing is not sleeping.  I managed to get a bit last night by fashioning a pillow mountain to keep myself in an upright-ish position!!  Oh and my stomach is aching from the strain of coughing, but I could do with toning up a bit so you never know, if this carries on I'll have a 6 pack before you know it


----------



## Smudgey

Awww hope you feel better soon x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

6 pack will be just in time for your hols lol. Hope you're starting to feel better x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for thinking of me everyone!  

Starting too feel a bit better, managed more than 3 hours sleep last night!!  The cough has changed but i'm struggling immediately after to draw breath in, I think it probably happened once after a bad coughing fir and now I am just panicking   But getting there and soooo can't wait for a lie in tomorrow!

Finished my disseration today and no more saturdays in uni   That's gotta help!  My tutor who knows about the adoption plan gave me a hug and said she will always be thinking of me and hoping that we are getting on ok   Would love to go back in in a year or 2 with my LO   

hope you are all ok and enjoying your saturdays xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well done you the dissertation must be a massive weight off your mind. Time to sit back, chill and enjoy your holiday. Glad you are starting to feel better. x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Eeek to the spelling/grammar in the last post... think i'm all typed out  

Thank you Gwyneth, it really is a massive weight lifted.  Getting it proof read over the weekend by various family members (whether they like it or not!!) and bound next week.  Just an assignmnet and an exam to go!!  Hope you are ok and hanging in there.  Take care won't you


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hey sweetie, 

Found a house we really like but hit major hitches this week. I was meant to go and sign for my mortgage on Thursday but my boss wouldn't let me miss staff meeting to go. Then the mortgage man noticed Neil's accountant had made a mess up with the figures and so the agreed mortgage is void. We are back at step 1 not sure if we can borrow money again. Really worried we'll loose the house because it has sold and fallen through twice already so the sellers will be really nervous about any hitches. Trying not to feel sorry for myself but failing a bit. Just feels like the whole world is against us and through no fault of our own everything we do is a disaster and really hard work.   

Fingers crossed something sorts soon but I'm not very hopeful x x 

P.S I'll have everything crossed for you for last exam and assignment


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

That is shocking news, i'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all this as well as everything else   it really isn't fair    Annoyed at your boss for being a meanie, but ultimately its the accountant that has really screwed up.  What now, do you make a complaint, does he work extra fast to rectify the situation?  Its really not what you expect when you pay all that money to get a 'professional'    So I say you are more than allowed to feel sorry for yourself, i would be!  Big tub of ice cream is surely in order here  

Everything crossed that you can get this sorted asap and still get the house       

Thanks for the good luck wishes.  I think DF is up to something as he is in constant contact with BIL and while I pretend I am not listening etc, I of course am, and I've made out something about the blokes surprising me and SIL.  Then he mentioned something loosely to me about keeping a day free in a couple of weekends so we can have a BBQ (throwing me off the scent or is this the surprise ) Its so sweet, but all I can think about is 'I have 3 weeks to do all this work'


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hope your doing ok honey?

Hugs xxxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi lovely!

Yes I'm good thanks.  No news re adoption, all just plodding on with getting things in place for hopefully prep in October.  It is a way off but we have decided to have a great summer and have loads planned so while I expected to feel down about having to wait I am actually OK about it.  If things move quickly the VA said we can start filling in paperwork for our checks so we are not just hanging around doing nothing, so all is all pretty happy  

How about you, prep is so so soon now, yay! Bet you are nervous but sure you will enjoy meeting other people, sharing experiences, and learning new things. So exciting, you will be great   xxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi sweetie glad you have a fab summer planned your prep will be here before you know it. 

I'm ok thanks honey only 3 more sleeps I'm getting so nervous. I'm on annual leave from work this week so I'm hoping to relax tomorrow and Wednesday and just have everything done so I have no jobs to do at weekend. 
I'll let you know how it goes

Hugs xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Maccer

Hi Lolly,


I have been reading your diary and just wanted to say good luck with your journey.  I hope you don't have long to wait to start your  prep course and eventually HS.   


Maccer x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

2 sleeps now Emma!! Exciting times, can't wait for you to give me lots of words of wisdom in prep for when we get to prep   

Hi Maccer, thank you so much for reading and wishing me well   Can't wait to move forward with our dream!  I see from your siggy massive congrats are in order    

Hope everyone is well and each day is a step closer to your forever family xxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey,
I know getting so nervous now had a run out to the place tonight so we know where to go and what the parkings like around the place, feel happier seeing the place now don't think I'll sleep tomorrow night lol. 

Take care honey
Hugs xxxxxx


----------



## thespouses

Do make sure you have a relaxing evening before and sleep well if you can - we had a LONG journey the day before ours and the room was hot and Mr S wasn't feeling great anyway and he nodded off and the SWs noted this!

Our own SW thankfully thought it was funny!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh my God, that is funny   But not for you at the time i'm sure... more of a 'in hindsight' thing  

Emma, posted in your diary, but why not say it again... Good luck and enjoy!!! xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Ladies!  

So we finally got a letter from LA, only been 10 and a bit weeks   'SW been on long term sick... blah blah... very sorry for the delay... blah blah... SW back but has moved to a new team... blah blah... will look into your report as a matter of urgency blah blah...! So least we know why we have heard nothing til now, but we are none the wiser of what they think of us.  Plus what if there are questions raised?  Would be be required to meet with another member of the team 

I don't suppose it matters much as we are pretty set on VA, but now this has me second questioning that if we speak to anothert SW who is as lovely as the one from the VA, would I change my mind...??  Don't think so though as the fact its taken 2 and half months to inform us of this is a bad start. And also the long term sick and change of team smacks 'stress' to me... 

Either way we need to sort money, which we are getting there with, fingers crossed, so have time to wait and see what they come back with. 

Hope you have all had a good day xxxxx


----------



## nutmeg

That all sucks    Sorry you're having to go through this - maybe you could give another agency a call just to see the vibe you get?


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Nutmeg

Thanks for your thoughts   We enquired with a VA after waiting 3 weeks after initial LA interview, ringing, and being 'fobbed off' and told to be patient.  I am all for being patient if I know it is leading somewhere, but the feeling I got when I rang was the women wasn't telling the whole truth, and now 2 months after that conversation I have been proved right! SW was off on sick leave all that time!!

Luckily the VA we enquired with were fab.  We had an info day, initial interview and home check and feedback with them within 3 weeks.  We are hoping to proceed with them, just talking a few weeks out to clear some debts so there are no big issues to deal with down the line.  They have said to call them when were are ready and they will put us straight on to next prep   

Still will be interested to hear what LA have to say though... xxxxx


----------



## nutmeg

Ah good   I misread it! It's funny how you can just get a feeling isn't it? I knew from the minute I talked to ourLA they were right, yet I gone all round the houses and contacted 4-5 other agencies before I even called them!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I guess its like when you walk into the house you will buy, or the church you will get married in.  Sometimes the vibe says it all and you just know.  But despite that, doing research is good, and I have found it looks favourably on you as you have put in the effort and showed your seriousness in the process and then commitment to your chosen agency   xxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey how you doing?

Hugs xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi everyone!

Have been away so just catching up with all that has been happening!

Emma, lovely to see how well you are progressing now!! Must be getting excited, any news on your medicals? Eeek, I can't wait to follow your progress in the coming weeks  

Had a fab holiday, just what we needed, sun, sand, relaxation, good food and lots of alcohol!! It was so cheap as Bulgaria are not in the euro so the exchange was brilliant. Pints were 50p, cocktails around £3, but always buy one get one free as happy hour lasts all day! We had lovely meals out on the seafront with around three drinks each to the equivalent of £12ish! It was mad!

We walked on the beach, visited the ancient town were the vines all grew, there were little fishing harbours, church and castle ruins and statues. The other way was the strip where all the touristy bits were for buying souvenirs and knock of clothes and sunglasses etc. We had one day of rain but other than that it was around 28 degrees but did get up to 30 one day which is too hot for me. That was a pool day! The complex was lovely, big rooms, very clean – the maids made towel swans, fans, bows and rabbits on our bed every day. Only downside was the flight which was delayed a lot of the night on the way back. We had no sleep for 30 hours!! Most slept once we got on the plane but I was too terrified to relax (hate hate hate flying!!) When we got back Jedward were at the airport so everything took ages as a load of teenage girls were screaming and grabbing them while they ran around like crazy men, so security was tight! 

DFs stepmum has been asking a lot about adoption. She seemed to think we would get a little baby and went on and on about shopping for baby booties etc etc. I had to tell her that this is very unlikely and gave the many reasons. I had to drum it into her many times but think she is better informed. DFs dad admitted he is concerned that our child will have many 'issues'. Again explained that while there are always many consideration when adoptiog a child from the care system, many difficulties can improve/developmentally catch up/be managed effectively with the right input and care from us and help from our support network and SW and adoption team etc etc. I hope that they understand a little better, and know that these conversations will occur more and more frequently over the coming months.

Anyway, that is all for now.  Love to you all, Lolly xxxxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey, 

So glad you had a fab holiday sounds like bliss. 

Still no word on medicals yet sw is coming tomorrow night so I'm sure they'll be mentioned then. Just finished tidying the house ready for tomorrows visit she's coming after work at 6 very nervous again but hopefully we can get started on home study. 

Lovely to hear off you
Hugs
Emma xxxxx


----------



## flickJ

Welcome back Lolly, your holiday sounds idyllic - oh, how I wish we could get away this year (heart speaking  ) but we need to get the work on the house done (head speaking  )

Sounds as though you are refreshed and ready for the next steps


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hey Hun, 

Thought you must be away that's why I haven't messaged. So glad you had an amazing holiday it's just what you deserve after all your stress and hard work. It sounds very beautiful you'll have to share resort details but sadly like Flick hols are on the back burner for us   . However getting a dog is on the front burner and I'm very excitied about that.   . 

Don't worry about your in-laws people have a lot of knowledge gaps and naivety about adoption. When we told my mother in law she told me she would think long and hard about it before considering adoption. I pointed out to her as someone who had spent their whole career in children's services,  worked with a number of children in the care system including a child who was back in foster care after a failed 4 year adoption placement I felt I had thought it through with a level of knowledge and understanding a lot of people are unable to access. I also reassured her I understand the emotional and other difficulties that come with adoption and we were both ready for this. She responded by saying well if you have to go ahead with it make sure you get a baby straight from the hospital. She worked as a nurse in the days when babies were taken from mothers as soon as they gave birth and handed to waiting adopters who then lived the next 18 years not disclosing to the child that they are adopted. I explained to her this does not occur any more. 

Needless to say after this conversation I was really upset. I called my Mum and talked it through with her and she made me feel better. She pointed out to me that it isn't the route people are expecting to become grandparents through and some people may need time to adjust as many of us did before deciding to adopt. Also that my concerns about her treatment of the child and it feeling re-rejected are likely to be unfounded as children have a special magic  way of making everyone love them that we loose and can forget about as adults. So the adults reservations are pointless because the child will teach them to love it with time and space. Hope that helps (and makes sense) because it helped me x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hello all!! Hope you are all having a good day  

The holiday was amazing! Felt a bit bad wittering on about finances and then jetting off, but it was pre booked before all of this came to light so we just enjoyed it to the max as not sure now when we will have a week away again.  We have sat down and done some realistic finaces today and we are going to pay all our direct debits that we can off, house, car, pet and contents insurance, so that we have more left over each month to put into savings.  Hopefully we can pay my parents back within 2 years, although if we are lucky enough to be matched    before then, then it may be longer while we get all the kiddie bits and bobs  

Gwyneth your post echoes a lot of the stereotypical views that people still have of adoption, and why wouldn't they to be honest.  There is little in the media other than negative stories, and while the system continues to change and develop no one would actually know unless they have first hand experience, and have done all the research/joined these type of forums to share experiences, that we have.  I hope that in us following this path we help to educate a few more people about the adoption process.

Your mum sounds a gem, it is so crucial that our nearest and dearest are on board and she makes good sense.  It is sometimes the shock and unknown talking I guess, and one a child is part of the family then the rest doesn't matter.  thank you so much   

Well I was cooking tea Thursday night and the home phone went. Raced upstairs and answered (out of breath) thinking it was DF as it was mobile number that ended in 9! It was SW from LA! At about 6.15!! Shocking. Anyway, she was checking in to see how we were doing and where we were up to after our original SW left! I said that we hadn't heard anything is over three months and had looked at other agencies. She fully understood. I explained about our decision to clear our debt and she was very happy to hear it as that was a concern when discussing our case with her manager. No mention of ages at all other than she was happy to recommend us for a younger child as we are a younger couple. So that was positive. She went over some details again to clarify and was actually very very good, after our original fears I was quite impressed with her approach. She said that we are obviously entitled to chose who we would like to proceed with, but on the basis of what I had told her, if we were still unsure she would like us to contact her when we have evidence we are debt free so that she can invite us in to meet with her and make a formal application. So we are back having two very realistic choices. I thought DF would be put off but he was actually really keen, so hoping that all is going as it should be, we should meet with her Sept/Oct, and from that make an application to proceed with either VA or LA. 

Anyway, by the time I got downstairs the risotto was a pile of stodge and ruined, but never mind, I was still quite happy! It is strange not doing anything as yet but knowing that things are slowly ticking along in the background.

I hope you have been having a nice weekend ladies?  We went to wedding reception Friday and my parents are up and staying for a few days also so have been seeing lots of them.  I did a big curry night for 9 of our family members last night so that was really nice (although i underestimated how tricky making 3 dishes at the same time could be!!)  Pork and apple cider casserole today, and probably not much else as the weather is not the best  

All my love to you all, Lolly xxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So I have been thinking a lot lately about telling people.  All the girls at work keep asking me about a wedding date. Two are getting married next year so it is wedding central!! I managed to put them off saying I wanted to finish uni first before planning anything. But really, given all that has happened with money and the timescales going forward, we have decided that we will probably save getting married until (EVERYTHING crossed) we have our family. It would be silly to spend money now when 1) we are now paying my parents back and 2) we will want to save some for decorating, kiddie bits, maternity leave etc. I am now putting them off by saying that, as we want to get married at the church where I am originally from, we are waiting until our holiday there in September to look around possible venues. I am fed up of lying!! Yet it is too early to say now. My manager is totally oblivious so it would be totally inappropriate to say anything.  Plus, if I had said when we originally applied a few months ago I would be looking a right tool, and it would have been upsetting and embarrassing.

So realistically after our holiday we should know more about prep and maybe I could tell a few to get them off my back??!!!  It may also help with the 'when are you having a baby' scenarios.  But what if something went wrong  Also I am aware that I will be asked ALL THE TIME if I have 'any news'!! Although, I work in the childcare sector so hopefully they may have a little more knowledge about the fact it isn't sign on the dotted line and here's your baby...  I know it is a little way off but i feel uncomfortable lying most days, and feel like I am carrying a shameful secret.  Although, I suppose I should be used to it!  I also worry I may get in trouble having had two IVFs during my time at my work that I didn't disclose

Yikes... xxxxx


----------



## flickJ

That's a tough one Lolly, we have decided not to tell people if they do not neen to know yet (ie people at work etc) but we did tell people we were using as references, close family who were to be involved in the process (DH's children, parents)

Now everything is official, DH told his manager because there maybe a time he needs to re-arrange holidays at short notice   but we aren't telling colleages until (hopefully) we have been through panel.

I don't work, so do not have your problem, even now we are getting the "Any news yet?!?"    from family

I think you can only do what you feel comfortable with and I am sure you will know when the time is right to tell them, they may be very supportive and understanding of this great thing you are doing


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for replying Flick.  We originally felt the same, close friends and family and other than that it would be need to know basis, like our managers.  It is only since getting engaged that I have felt this pressure to explain why I have not set a date.  I know it sounds silly but my work has actually gone wedding crazy!!!  I have until our trip in mid September to have a think I suppose...!

Well girls I have been ultilising the time we have to wait to get the all clear regarding our lones.  After speaking with the LA last week I have decided to contact a neighbouring LA to find out a little about them.  While I got quite a good feel after our chat with the original LA last week, I am struggling with a niggle that the rocky start is a bad sign if we were top progress with them.  the VA were fab, but again, I am struggling that we may wait quite a while for a match.  Its hard!!  But I am determined we will make the right and informed decision and each of these little processes takes us a teeny bit closer to finding our baby/ies     

Lolly xxxxx


----------



## Loski

Hi lolly just tell people when it feels right for you and df. Don't feel pressured into telling anyone that it doesn't concern yet.  
Pleased to hear that you have sorted your loan stuff out,  sorry to hear that your still feel uncertain towards which agency to go with hopefully one of them will feel right for you soon. As far as the va is concerned mine seems to be moving quick with times so far but will keep you updated as usual and hopefully they go quick and that will settle one of your worries.


----------



## flickJ




----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Girls!  

Thank you Loski and Flick, your support is invaluable   

Eugh, feeling rubbish    First AF since failed ICSI (last October!!  )  Glad I don't have to deal with AF often, but as it's been so long it's not nice.  Luckily I have had a lot of admin time at work this week so haven't had too run around after too many kiddies.  Seeing two after lunch tomorrow so hoping it eases a bit by then.

I think that I will wait and see how I feel, and what there is to tell, come september as decide then.  I know work would be supportive but none of them know about anything other than a couple knowing I had to have a cyst removed last year (it was actually EC and ET of ICSI number two!)

I think that this wait my by psyching me out a tad... I was very happy with VA so why am I having doubts  They have done nothing wrong, its just so hard to know as stories vary so much.  i know everyone is different and what works for each individual family is different.  But it is the most important decision in the world and it needs to be the right one.  So I feel that gathering as much info as possible will ensure I don't look back and think what if.  Does that make sense?  I am happy to talk to lots of agencies, and am enjoying my info gathering, so I guess it is all positive  

Hope everyone is well


----------



## flickJ

Lolly, you're doing the right thing ............. take a step back, find out all the information you need to make the decisions that are important. As you say, what suits one family doesn't suit another and vice versa. It's true that this is one of the most important descisions you will have, so you have to feel happy and positive about what you decide. 

Just the fact that you are worried about this makes me positive you will make the right decision for you, and one day you will be the mummy you deserve to be


----------



## Loski

Lolly one day it will just all click into place and you will wonder what all the worrying was about. Keep looking till you feel comfortable xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well just had a lovely call from the deputy manager at the neighbouring LA I emailed. She said that as we were out of area we would not be priority, although if we would consider a 3-4 year old they would invite us to apply. Due to our ages we think that is slightly too old for what we are are considering, so its a no go. I feel glad I spoke to her though as I am starting to feel ou decision will be an informed one, with no room for regret, and hopefully a great journey. Wish we would get letter to show us as debt free already, cant wait to get going!! 

Happy friday everyone x x x x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

It will all fall into place one day honey. Its great you being so positive it has to feel right for you. 

We just went straight to our la and we've not looked back but it's not the same for everyone 

Hugs 
Emma xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hi Hun, 

Sorry I've been out the loop for ages been crazy busy at work but that's another story. 

My advice on all fronts - work and wedding. I would say that you and your DF both have some debt to pay off and you have both been talking a lot about the future and being financially sensible in uncertain times (in the world and economy) so you have decided to save the whole cost of the wedding in advance before booking anything. You both think that is the best idea and would rather wait two years till you've saved than run up credit cards etc. 

Adoption- no-one has any right to know about our IVF or adoption. People do not disclose pregnancy in the early stages they tell their boss when they have to. Most people will lie for time off work for appointments early on. Tell the people you are comfortable telling and no-one else. It is not any of their business and has no effect on their life. If people ask about a family just say what I do. Don't  know really. Which is actually true much as we are desperate for a family we don't know when we are going to have one. 

With regards to agency I think information will help make your decision. They all have OFSTED reports you can read on the OFSTED website this may help a little. Take care Love Gwyn x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Gwyn   hi everyone  

Gwyn, How are you getting on?  Are you mummy to a fur baby yet?    

What you say makes perfect sense (as always  )  I  have been thinking that I may tell a couple of my close friends at work and 'fob' the others off!  I think that those I tell will be a good source of support, and also  they are the ones that raise it A LOT and so if they pipe down maybe the rest will all just forget about my giddy wedding chats of a few months ago    It will be nice to have some support as so few people know and those who do (other than DFs family) are far away, as I only moved up here 3 years ago, so my close friends are where I grew up.  My only worry is they will have a negative view of adoption, the system and all it entails (I guess I am already feeling protective of it  )  We also work in the NHS and see many children within our service that have been in the care system and have complex additional needs often due to environmental issues in early life.  I guess I hope that they don't think I can't cope, or stories are always always very sad with children never able to 'readjust'  There i go thinking way too much into everything again... someone slap me!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

OMG another thing in common. I moved here 5 years ago when I moved in with my husband so all my friends and family are also far away (it gets weirder and weirder   ) I think you are making the right decisions it is hard having no-one near by you feel you can really talk to so if you feel there are people at work you can rely on I would talk to them. Peoples views bother me but at the end of the day (not that it is the same in any way) but my husband has red hair and everyone always said don't I dread the thought of our children being ginger. Guess what I'm trying to say is that the world is full of idiots who will always find fault and criticse everything. All that really matters is that you are happy. No-one is asking them to be invovled. 

Fingers crossed I have found a breeder with Pups and we have met her but loads of people have applied so we are going to see her again this weekend and hoping to find out if we can have one. I think she wants to wait till she knows they are all ok before comitting them to people. If not think I'll just steal one put it in the boot and drive away   because they are so gorgeous. I will keep you posted. Plus you always have me for support. If you ever want a chat PM me and I can always send my mobile number etc x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi everyone!

Hope you are all doing ok, despite this miserable weather!  

Well after a sudden onset of panic on Sunday that we were waiting for nothing and that our loan repayment paperwork must be sat in a pile somewhere as it is taking AGES, DF rang up today to see what was happening.

The woman he spoke to said that she had 'just been passed our case this morning' (as if  ) and while everything appears to be progressing nicely (could have let us know that  ) we need to sign some papers.  We originally emailed them as we were told this would be fine.... anyway, hopefully once that is done we can finally get it cleared  and crack on   DF reiterated the reasons why we are doing this and how important it is that this is sorted asap.  I think she got the message   Just happy that hopefully we are getting nearer     

Then to get back to both VA and LA and make one of the most important decisions of our lives.... no pressure  

Love Lolly xxxxx


----------



## flickJ

That's such good news that you are nearly sorted out financially  , and will soon be able to start your journey


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi all  

Not much really to report... still... sigh...

I spoke to a good friend yesterday and had a great phone catch up!  I used to provide respite for the family.  She adopted 10 years ago and was matched with a beautiful 13 month old.  They later went on to have a miracle birth son who was diagnosed with autism aged 3.  I used to forget they were not biologically brother and sister as they look so similar in their features.  Show how well they consider family resemblance when matching.  I moved over 400 miles north 4 years ago but we are still in regular contact.  It was lovely to speak with someone with such a wealth of experience, and despite all the changes of late she could relate to lots of our early experiences already and offered some good advice going forward.  I said that I hope to update her soon    

Getting very nervous as degree grades come in this week, my stomach is churning already    So scary that 3 years of hard work boils down to this one email  

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend, love Lolly xxxxxx


----------



## nutmeg

Good luck, I'm sure your hard work will have paid off


----------



## flickJ

with your results Lolly, let us know, won't you


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks girls! Nothing yet... Our tutor emailed today and said she was proud of each of us so cue me panicking, thinking this is it, getting my confidence to look, clicked on and nothing! I shook for about half an hour after whilst the adrenalin wore off!! Just want it over with!! Keep you posted... xxxxx


----------



## Loski

Good luck lolly xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh girls I did it, I got a first!!! I am so over the moon right now!! Im on my phone and it wont let me, but if it did I would put some sort of celebrating smiley on right about now!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Congratulations honey that's amazing xx


----------



## flickJ

Woo!!! Congrats hun,        was it ever in doubt


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Teehee, thank you!!  I was honestly not sure, had dissertation to come back and an exam which I found awful so could have gone either way.  Luckily it went the right way   I'm shattered, think the adrenalin has finally worn off  

Lots of people at work were asking what's next and I had to bite my lip to say 'next I am focusing on becoming a mummy'


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

We are officially debt free!!!!! I'm ringing our LA tomorrow!!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

SW visiting us at home next Thursday for a catch up before we attend prep 25th, 25th, 26th of October.... Wooooooooo!!!!  Going ahead with the VA, another long story, but it is 100% the right choice.  Super excited now


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Fantastic news lolly really pleased for you. Yay it's all go now hehe xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hey beautiful 
Sorry I've been out the loop for so long. You got a first that is so amazing welldone you. PM me the story re agency choice I'm dying to know as we live close. Got an amazing little fur baby 6 weeks ago he is called Mac and is a right character. It's good to have company in the house when I come home. He's been sick the last few days but is on the mend now. So glad you've got prep booked that is amazing speak soon Gwyn x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I am irrationally nervous!  i feel we have been through so many tough journeys already... fertility testing, 3 ICSIs, enquiries with agencies, debt clearing, and here we are.  i am worried something will go wrong and it'll be taken away    I honestly can't think what would be a problem, like I say, it is that irrational fear.  I want Thursday to be here already, the nerves have already kicked in.  i think it is because it is so so important and wanted (needed), that I just want the box ticked and to get going.

Mac sounds lovely Gwyn, so happy you have a lil fur baby to come home to.  Is he all better now, poor mite.  I have sent you a PM, but please note that this is only our experience.  If you are to go down this route things may be very different for you and so you must explore all options.  I think some LAs are just so stretched that communication can be poor, resulting in inconsistencies in approaches and what we are being told.  No excuse when it is our emotions they are messing with, but sadly, a fact of life at the moment.

Emma, you are motoring through now arn't you?!!  Time has gone so fast!  are you enjoying HS?  You must surely be getting PAR soon-ish?  So very exciting.  What age bracket are you hoping to be approved for?  Have you a preference in sex?  DF wants a boy, but that is most men for you I think!  I will just be happy to be a mum, somehow choosing too much sits uneasy with me.  It feels like shopping for your designer baby!!

Hi to anyone else reading, hope you are all having a lovely Sunday xxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi everyone!!

Great visit.  SW was lovely as ever and very happy to invited us to apply.  She said she will put the application in the post tomorrow.  We are to sign and return and then she is going to start the clock on 24th October (the day before prep).  That starts the 8 month time period in which we need to get to panel by!  So looking like June time!!

So next steps prep in 3 weeks.  Then we start home study on 8th November, with another session booked in for 22nd.  SW is emailing us medical and CRB forms, and some of the homework worksheets to start looking at and collating information for.

So very happy, and equally nervous as after so many years waiting this is finally happening.  It is a surreal feeling!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Great news so glad all is going well. I will PM over the weekend x


----------



## Billybeans

Fantastic news lolly. all systems GO,Go,Go. Lots of luck and I hope time flies by for you.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks guys!  Very exciting!  We have received our official application now, and have session one homework to be looking at too.  Also SW emailed over chronology form, a list of all the documents she will need to sign off and a finance form.  Definitely go, go, go!!  

I have also spoken to HR at work (NHS) about pre adoption leave.  Having looked at policies the adoption leave policy mirrors the maternity one.  However no where does it give any guidelines on entitlement to time off for prep, HS etc.  I emailed them and asked whether it was considered in the same bracket as antinatal appointments, which are given as paid leave.  Apparently they allow 'reasonable' paid time in preparation to adopt, but I have to speak with my manager to arrange it formally, and give as much notice as I can.  So i geared up to speak to her today - it will be the first time I have told anyone outside of close friends and family.  Got in the room and bottled it and spoke about a visit I had been on yesterday.  i am kicking myself!!  So have to try again tomorrow    I have to though, prep starts 2 weeks today, and HS a month yesterday.  Also the application asks for consent to contact my work.  Oh god, it really is real now!!  I think I am scared as, while I know she will be supportive, she will be very shocked as no one at work Nikon anything about my probs, IF, ICSI, and now adoption.  Think it will be a surprise!  Wish me luck....

Love to you all!!

Lolly xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Just do it. It's no different to saying you're pregnant really it just isn't what they are expecting. Just tell the truth say you've been looking into it for ages and now it's suddenly go go. You'll be great besides they can't actually be unhappy about it to your face x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So we have had a busy weekend speaking with our chosen referees.  Luckily they were all very happy to have been asked, and I even had one offering to drive 400 miles to come and meet our SW in the new year!

Also spoke to my manager today (was shaking like a leaf!  )  But as everyone predicted, she was very happy for us!  She has granted me paid HS leave and offered to give a reference before I even had to ask.  I said I would take prep training as annual leave and while unlikely, she said to leave it with her just in case I am entitled to any addition leave allocation.  Phew!  So officially sending our application off tomorrow.

9 sleeps til prep


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Fantastic news so pleased for you. I knew she'd be nice. Nine sleeps it's all so soon!!! Very exciting x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Fab news Lolly I'm so happy for you. 

Want me to start your daily how many sleeps till prep  

9 sleeps lol xxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

8 sleeps


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I LOVE you Emma, hahahahaha!!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

7 sleeps xxx


----------



## Billybeans

Fantastic news lolly. 7 sleeps hey? Will fly by.
So pleased that your boss was fine with you and it surely must feel like a relief now?
xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies!!  

Hi Shining Star   Yep, big relief!  Deep down I knew she would be, it is just so scary admitting to people outside of friends and family of our plans.  She didn't know of any of out IF TX so she was shocked, but super supportive xxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

6 sleeps  xxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

5 sleeps not long now


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

4 sleeps


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh my God, 4 sleeps sounds such a little amount


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

3 sleeps  xx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omg only 2 left  xx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wow it's come round so quick only 1 more sleep how you feeling honey? Xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Sending so much love and hugs for tomorrow I know they will love you


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Aww thank you lovely ladies!!   I just feel excited to be honest.  think the nerves will kick in properly in the car tomorrow, but hoping it won't take long to relax into things.  We met a few SWs at info day and our SW is lovely, so should be ok... Woohoo, it's finally getting really real


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Enjoy it honey we did. 

Good luck and I hope we get an update tomorrow


Hugs xxxx


----------



## Billybeans

Thinking of you today. So exciting. Let us know how you get on.
xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks girls!  

Sooo...

Today went well, but my goodness are we tired now!!  Was quite nervous going in, especially as we were told they would be making observations of us throughout the sessions!  

We did lots in groups and they split me and DF up!  But was all ok, everyone was nice, and was interesting to hear other people’s opinions, experiences and perspectives.  We looked at child development and attachment (which was strange having just studied it all for three years, haha!)  Looked at some example profiles and some scenarios, eg, child not settled at bedtime – what would you do?  Also went over some case histories and cycle of neglect which was very sad.  We have some homework about what we would or wouldn’t consider re, a child’s needs, history’s and medical or special needs status.

Tomorrow we look at names, matching and parenting.  Looking forward to it as our SW is presenting.

Hope all of you are well, off to bed early doors tonight!! xxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

So glad you've enjoyed your 1st day honey hope you get a good nights sleep ready for tomorrow xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad it went well bet you could have done the course for them   . Enjoy tomorrow sleep well


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Evening all  

Really enjoyed today!! Discussed names and the make up of our personal identity. This lead to preserving histories and the importance of children knowing about their past and maintaining healthy links. Then went on to matching considerations and the varying needs of children awaiting adoption. Then looked at play and positive praise. then case studies surrounding troubles at meal and bedtimes and coping strategies. Finally spoke a little about panel and made a list of questions for the 4 adopters who will be doing a Q & A session tomorrow morning. Also have our photos taken for PAR tomorrow. All good!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

We had a great last day and on reflection have really enjoyed the whole of prep.  It has opened our eyes to why SWs do what they do, and that, while invasive, the process is integral to the end product - a successful placement.  Met 4 adopters today and many of us (well the girls at least!) were in tears.  It is so heart warming, and the love for their children is so apparent.  Then read some example life history stories.  More tears!  DF was very positive and we are both going to be doping our homework this weekend all ready for home assessment to start on 8th November.  I have really shifted some of my opinions towards certain elements of the process, like meeting birth parents, and today we were given something tangible in the Q&A session with real life people!  And it proved to us that they know what they are doing so embrace it!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

So happy you enjoyed it honey, we missed ours the week after hehe. 

Not long till hs starts so excited for you xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Session 1 done, next one 2 weeks today.  I LOVED it!!  Found it very therapeutic delving into my childhood, and as I was very lucky in my upbringing they were happy memories.  SW put a slight spin on some things that I had not considered before which was very interesting and though provoking.  She was here 2 1/2 hours.  I was worried about the amount I had done for homework but she said it was great info and thanked me (showed me questions for DF - a page, and mine - about 5  )  Still talked for my full slot though!!  We are finishing childhood and personality next time, along with education and doing CRBs.  She is also bringing medical forms.  She said session 1 went really well, so happy!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Great news welldone you glad you enjoyed it x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

That's fab news Lolly so pleased for you xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So I have heard on the grapevine that my referees have gotten their questionnaires today.... Must send loving texts, boxes of chocolate and offer to be the designated driver on our next night out to keep them all sweet


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

haha im sure they'll give you glowing references honey dont worry xxxx


----------



## Billybeans

Hi Lolly, Just been catching up in your diary. So it's your 2nd home study soon. Glad all is going well for you. How many referees did you need? Do they have to be within a certain distance from you?


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi guys!

Yep, second appointment a week Thursday Shining Star    We needed 3 referees that knew us jointly (1 could be a family member), and I needed an extra one from my employers as I work with children.  The 3 we put forward needed to have known us for at least 5 years as a couple.  We found it hard as I have only been living here for 4 years (moved 400 miles to where DF grew up) and so people close by have known me for less than the specified time.  I said there are lots of people that would be willing to do it where I am from, and that knew DF well too as he initially moved to be with me, but he hated it    Anyway, I didn't think the SW would be too happy travelling all that way, but she said that she could do a telephone interview with them if needed.  They are hoping to come and stay in February though so hopefully she can see them face to face.  As for the other two we chose DFs sister, who I have known longer, and my old manager (between 4-5 years, so a dodgy one).  SW said that if it is a problem she will ask us to submit one more each, a childhood friend or something.  She is also talking to both of our mums as she feels this will add tons of positiveity to our PAR as they are so involved and supportive.

Yikes, when you type it out it is a bit mind boggling  

Love Lolly xxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So session 2 of HS today.  Poor SW was late due to terrible weather on the roads.  Ended up being here nearly 3 hours - we can talk  

Discussed schooling and education, personality, beliefs and values, ethnicity and diversity and our perception of this, jobs and past relationships.  She wants a further two references for me as I used to be a respite carer in another area - one from the authority as she needs to check it out, and one from the child's mum as she thinks it will add weight to our PAR.  CRB done and medicals and homework left. Next session in 2 weeks, then 2 back to back as she couldn't fit two sessions in in December.

SW said at the end we had done really well, and that she was happy with "no concerns whatsoever"!! Loving it      But KNACKERED!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Brilliant news sweetie glad it went really well I knew she'd love you x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wahoo fab news honey you'll soon be all finished 

Hugs xxxxx


----------



## DiDi2012

That's good!! I know, they are soooo draining!! We loved our sessions, but went home totally shattered every time!

Have fun with the homework....


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks guys!!  Yikes DiDi, you went home?  You mean you had to go elsewhere?  I would be good for nothing after, driving would not be wise  

So girls I am STRESSING!  My manager is due to receive her reference letter from VA this week.  I suddenly had a thought and worried her PA (biggest gossip in the whole world ever) may open the post.  I emailed my manager and she said she wouldn't if it had 'strictly private and confidential' on the front.  I have no idea if it does or not, and the letter is en route.  I have told 3 people at work.  That's it, and that is how it will stay until we are at least approved.  This may now be in jeopardy  

On the plus side, I spoke to the mum of little I used to look after when I was a short break carer last night.  Her first child was adopted and second (birth child) has ASD.  She has been asked to provide an additional reference as she was more than happy to do so.  She gave some great advice re, managing the process and matching considerations.  She also made me well up and she said that she already knew how she would end the letter... 'as an adoptive parent myself, and holding sound knowledge of the considerations to parenting and adopted child, I can safely say I have no concerns that X and Y would be more than capable of giving a child a loving and happy home'.  

Hope you are all well x x x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I think take the bull by th horns. Ask your manager to tell you if she opens it and then speak to her yourself. Tell her it is really important that she keeps this to herself surprisingly most gossips can actually keep important secrets. In reality she is commiting gross misconduct if she discusses it. As a PA se has to keep anything confidential like your boss does. However in reality your boss is unlikely  to enforce the rules x  x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks hun  

She is based in the admin office and I honestly think she wouldn't think about it before she opened her mouth and said something like 'why has X got a letter from an adoption agency?'  And then there would be at least two more gawping    However I have looked in my managers tray this morning and letters addressed specifically to her have been untouched today, so I'm hopeful it will be left...    Although the ideal is it has those magic words written on the front.  Blooming eck, all the considerations


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Manager got the reference, still sealed, probably due to the fact that SW had stopped letter in time and added 'in strictest confidence' and 'to be opened by the addressee only'... PHEW   

She is now going to write a rough draft and get her bosses PA to type it up as it needs to be on headed paper and a-ok!  She asked my permission for this and am happy with that as PA is out off the admin team gossip loop!!  

Medical forms being sent tomorrow and homework on Saturday.  It's all go xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah really glad it got there undisturbed. All moving forward really quick now exciting stuff. Take care see you soon x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

So pleased its all moving for you sweetie xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

everyone!!  Happy weekend, hope you are all having a brilliant one  

SIL rang today.  She is clearing out nieces bedroom ready for the Christmas influx!  She has offered some books as they are like new.  For a minute I thought she meant I could take them into work.  Then I realised she meant for us and our future LO


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah how lovely and very exciting. You'll have to start a little collection of stuff for when you little angel/s arrive x x


----------



## DiDi2012

Enjoy seeing their stuff ready for them, just picture yourself


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I am now worrying this will jinx things... god, why can't I just be excited without all the worry?!!!  Like us all I just want it too much


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I know what you mean but I know this is all going to go great for you. Maybe keep it in the loft so it doesn't feel to in fate's face to temp it X


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks hunny!   I said that to her, thank you so much but I will be locking it away for the time being!  She understands though and even admitted she was worried to ask me because of that reasoning.  

So we are 2/3 through our homework and having an xfactor break!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Session 3 today   Went really well    She was with us nearly 2 hours.  We talked all about our relationship, how we got together, how things progressed, how we cope with stresses, problems etc, what is important to us as a couple, what is trivial, our biggest challenges, how our relationship will change when a child is placed.  Then I cried   We were talking about whether either of us had made any sacrifices for the other.  DF said that I had made the biggest, moving 400 miles to be with him.  I said he had, coming into a relationship knowing that there was IF issues, and a very real prospect of not having a birth child.  I said he had given that up to be with me, and SW said 'and that is unconditional love'... so of course I burst into tears!!  

Medicals the week after next, then next 2 sessions 3rd and 10th January    She said that we did really well and again said that she was very pleased and had no concerns  

Because of the weather our little kitty was bored he trampled all over SWs papers, sat on her lap, tried climbing in her bag and then bit her thumb!!!    Ooopsies!!

Hope everyone is well   Love Lolly x x x x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah so glad all is going so well babes. DF is so sweet  . Naughty cat outrageous behavior  . Dread what the dog would do to a SW he's a horror. Went to an adoption open evening last night. I'm trying to write about it but DH keeps interrupting speak soon love me x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks hun!  I know,   is a terror!!  Luckily SW is a cat lover - although sure even cat lovers don't appreciate being bitten on the thumb, or any other finger for that matter!!  

Ooooh, looking forward to hearing all about it, heading to your diary now


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi sweetie, 

Our cat did exactly the same to our sw I couldn't believe it the little terror he is lol

Hope your ok? 

Hugs xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Naughty cats   And damn the snow, he is normally out and about not climbing the walls (or the SW )

Thanks hun, please tell me.... how are things with you?!!  is it all official now, has all the paperwork come through with the big stamp of approval?  

x x x x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi Lolly, 

Yep letter came through its all offical it's just a waiting game now. Nothing to report as yet hoping to start getting profiles soon. 

So glad your moving on honey won't be Long till its all offical for you too  

Xxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Just wanted to tell you that DF sailed through his medical    Did urine test to look for blood/sugar, neuro test (follow my finger, resist my hand, walk in a straight line etc), blood pressure, eye sight, height, weight, talked through any old but significant illnesses on his medical records. Then he filled 'doctor bit' and done!  

Mine is next Wednesday at 4.30  Well I'm out with work for a three course Christmas lunch so no doubt my BMI will be slightly higher then normal


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Another box ticked and another little step closer. Looking forward to Saturday x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay another step closer. 
Enjoy saturday sweetie and dont worry about your bmi you'll be fine  

Xxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks guys!! Who would have thought I would be looking forward to the medical   But now DF has had his and explained what is involved it all seems pretty straight forward   all is as it shoukd be and I am also deemed 'fit to adopt'    

 See you tomorrow Gwyn  

Happy weekend Emma, are you up to anything good?  

Hi to everyone reading, hope things in adoption land are good  

Ps... started the third lots of homwork today, all about past fertility treatments.  Getting it down on paper makes you fully appreciate what a long and difficult journey it has been to get to this point.  I don't know how we did it, but at the time you do what it takes.  I know that it is the past, but it is apparent I still remember every single little detail


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Just think it's  the worst one over once it's done. After that it's the future which is exciting and should be happy and fun. Thanks for yesterday it was great to catch up. See you soon  x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So I am medically 'fit to adopt'!!!  Woohoo!   Although having had mine after my 3 course (plus coffee and chocolate, so technically 4 course) work Christmas lunch was not the best.  When he felt my stomach I thought I might puke!!  Luckily my BMI was within range still - felt like I had put a stone on    

He stalled a little too long over my urine sample dip stick test, so I of course started panicking.  All was of course fine   So then I worried my heart was racing when he took my pulse    Will I ever now worry?!!!  

So next steps are two more HS sessions in January, and our final day of prep 31st Jan.  Looking forward to seeing everyone from the group again.  I can't believe we are about half way now


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Every year on Boxing Day I feel sad.  Sad that Christmas is over and there is nothing to look forward to.  Just another year done, and another to come, where once again we are without our family, and there is no glimmer of hope of ever becoming a mum    EXCEPT this year there is hope, and for the first time in so many years I am not sad   I am happy and excited, and looking forward to 2013 so much.  This is our year, it has to be, we have waited so long.  The glimmer is there and it is growing.  That light at the end of the tunnel is steadily getting brighter    It was a Merry Christmas, and I truly believe that this will finally be our happy New Year


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

2013 is definitely the year for you. Hoping 2014 will be the year for me. So glad you are enjoying Christmas this year last one just the two of you so exciting to think this time next year you'll be knee deep in toys and doing a million exciting things. Can't wait to live it all vicariously through our catch ups. Let me know when you / you and DF have a free day x


----------



## flickJ

Oh Lolly,  I have everything crossed for you - I'm sure you are right and that everything will work out positively for you,  , 2013 is definatley going to be your year.

Best wishes to you for the new year, and also to you Gwyneth


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Flick glad you have got in touch with another LA hope its going well x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Gwyn and Flick   

Flick, I am so happy to hear that you are persuing the LA, good for you, they would be   to turn you away, positive vibes to you and hubby,   this is your time hun.

Gwyneth, as ever thanks for the support.  Looking forward to our brekkie date at the weekend  

So tonight is the night of the big party... I am looking froward to catching up with friends and family and wearing my new Christmas frock    I am NOT looking forward to the envisaged questioning from DFs side of the family about our adoption story    We have of course told our closest family, and bless DFs dad, he was so excited he told his mum.  Not too bad really, grandma is ok to know... what is NOT ok is that grandma told DFs cousin, who told her dad and step mum (auntie and uncle) and god knows who else   They are not the type to be discreet so I am expecting a million and one questions tonight    NOT ok as there are so many that don't know yet and I can already forsee others overhearing this awkward conversation and then asking their own questions.  I feel I am going to have be blunt and say that we are not ready to discuss it yet.  I am sad as it was our news to tell when we were ready, and while DFs dad was excited, he should not have taken that away from us.  Although to be fair I don't think he expected his mum to then blab it to god knows who   We have told him to keep schtum now, we likened it to being about 8 weeks pregnant, things look good but there are still no certainties.  We are not ready to share until the all clear at the 12 week scan    Too little to late me thinks... wish me luck, I am sure that I will soon be told I am being 'grumpy' or '*****y' blah blah when I change the subject swiftly but WHO CARES     Grrrrrr!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Say whatever you want we spend far to much time being considerate to others. Tell people you are upset they know so early and you're not ready to discuss it. Just ignoring people works well too if they ask a question just respond with something totally random like did you see the Miranda Christmas special x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Gwyneth   Do I sound like a broken record    

Darn.... knew I should have watched the xmas special


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Not at all I think you are good for going I'd probably sulk and refuse  . Can't wait to see you Sunday we can gossip all about it then x


----------



## Billybeans

Hope things went ok at your party yesterday Lolly and that you didn't have to answer a load of questions. Thats so insensitive. If I knew something that someone hadn't told me I would keep quiet until that person felt ready to tell me.

Good luck with the rest of the journey.

I will keep popping by to see how you are getting along


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks both!! 

Shining Star, thank you for popping in, how are you me dear?  

Gwyneth, thanks for last night!  Sometimes my head gets mashed way too quickly so a friendly text to take my mind off things and reaffirm I am not   helped massively  

It was actually ok, mainly because I played the whole 'avoidance' card, although hard to make a quick getaway in the crazy high heels I was wearing     There was a couple of knowing looks, and pauses as if I was expected to say something... so I generally did, about the weather, Christmas, the food, my new dress    There was of course some adoption talk, but from DF, (I let him deal with it), and was actually quite cute as he told people he was glad they knew as he was so proud of what we were doing   Wow, he has come such a long way in the last year


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah glad it went well see you tomorrow. X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Happy 2013 the year you Will become a Mummy   may it be magical and wonderful like you deserve x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Happy new year honey this year will be our year  

Xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Happy New Year lovely ladies!! Glad to start 2013 feeling positive (for a change!!) I hope that we all experience may happy times this year. Hugs to all reading   xxxxx


----------



## Billybeans

Happy New Year. Must feel such relief to know it's going to be a positive year ahead. Lots of Luck.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Shining Star   I really hope that this year is better for you, you deserve it hun   Thank you for checking in and offering your support.  Take care lovely xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Session 4 done and dusted!  Wasn't too bad actually, considering the content of the session.  Even as we were taking more bits came back from our TTC journey, despite the 3500 essay we had written!!  How could I forget having to be monitored extra closely after my third egg collection because of my heart racing at 145bpm and they couldn't stabilise it    How could I forget that they wouldn't let me go back to DF and crying when they told me they may put me back to sleep as I was scared I wouldn't wake up    I guess some things you block from your mind.  That, along with recalling 3 failed cycles, OHSS, prior MRI scans to check for tumors as my hormone levels are so out of whack, and all that goes hand in hand with IF made me more than certain that this is 100% our path to our family.  Having said all that SW said there was no reason why down the line we couldn't try again.  Was very surprised to hear that that was her view point given that many are against treatment due to the affects on an adopted child.  Right now I can clearly say no way, but nice to know she would support that option if it came to it.

She is back next Thursday and we are talking about support network, ecomap, and how we would support a child's integration into our community and things we may put into place due to any 'differences'.  

I went to see my ex-boss and referee this lunch time.  She works at a children's centre and got me a 'what's on' pack!  Lots of bumpf about the importance of play, safe living, the EYFS and child development which was funny - as was the speech and language group   - but the facilities guide was good.  Will add that to the homework!

Hope all of you reading are well.  Big hugs  

Lolly xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad you the session went well had been thinking of you but didn't want to text incase she was still there. Well done worst one down onto the exciting parts now. X x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ah thanks lovely!  She went just as the cat ran in without his collar.  It has a bleeper on so we went to look for it (as it has all his tags on and catflap microchip)  Picked up a signal pretty quick but then spent an HOUR with the help of a very nice man with a torch rummaging through his garden looking for it.  Found it a good 2 meters up a conifer tree     I wouldn't normally bother like that but as we could hear it bleeping it was just infuriating and none of us would give up    Then the asda shopping came and the man ranted for nearly 20mins about how they boxed it all up wrong blah blah blah, he then freaked at the neighbours dog and complained there was not enough space for parking and what would happen if we needed an ambulance  

Rang mum, ate, and have only just sat down.  Bloomin' dramas over nothing!!  Least the hour out in the rain cleared my head!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad you found the collar all that stuff is expensive and we are saving our pennies at the minute. Should have told the Asda driver oh an ambulance would be fine they're good drivers   . What a load of stress and running around. Hope you got a hot bath after the rain is awful x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

And he was certainly not a good driver, had to reverse back and forwards four times, and even then he was super close to the neighbours car!!  My hair has super poofed due to the rain and I have just picked a twig out of my parting   So a bath sounds gooood!! xxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hey honey,

Glad your session went well honey. I hope your relaxing now after your eventful evening hehe. 

Hugs xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Emma, still tired now, so this weekend will definitely be spent slobbing!!

Mini rant coming up i'm afraid girls.....  

So I am bridesmaid for my dearest friend who lives nearly 400 miles away (where I originally moved from to be with DF).  The wedding is in August, and she is fully aware of our adoption plans.  She is supportive, but I have to push for that support, ie, she will not raise anything regarding adoption, I always have to tell her and often push for some conversations around the subject.  I think this stems from her knowing of the many years of hurt and devastation resulting from my IF and failed treatments and not wanting to upset me.  She is not reading any of the signs that indicate how excited we are about all this    

Anyway, me and our other friend are bridesmaids and are so excited!  Only problem is that due to the distance it is hard for me to get down to see her - 15 hours by coach, 3 changes on the train and I am scared of flying, me and DF share 1 car (and he wouldn't let me drive all that way alone anyway!)  I have said I will get down for dress fitting and shoe shopping, the hen do and of course the wedding, so at least three times in the next 7 months.  She is pushing for when I can come down (obviously excited), but I have told her I have no leave until April due to a lot being used for prep.  I am also struggling to commit to dates as of course we are not sure what is happening in our journey.  It is also going to be really expensive going down three times and we are trying to save - but that is by the by really, needs must.  It is just the pushing for answers I cannot give, in front of another friend who doesn't know we are adopting.  It's getting awkward, and she should know better    I will be there, but just feel a bit sad that she is not considering what a crazy busy time this is for us at the moment.  That is the point i'm making, I just want a little support, as I will be giving her with the wedding.  I know it is a busy and stressful time for her too, she is getting married, but I understand that and talk about it loads but it's not returned  

I love her so so much, and she will be wonderful with our child (she is a nursery nurse).  I'm not sure what i'm looking for but just needed to write it down as I feel a bit sad.  I know if I explained this to her she would be upset, and feel guilty and it is the last thing I want.  Just some realisation that we can't just drop everything and pay a few hundred pounds out willy nilly


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

It's hard people just don't think. I was talking about negative views with my Dad today (who is really positive) he said I have to give people time etc. But I said why should I. If I showed anyone a scan picture if I was pregnant they would be really excited and positive no-one would say are you sure you don't want to abort it? This is our journey to parenthood and this is the only journey we are going to have. 

I have come to terms with no two lines, no scans, no moving in my stomach, no labor while DH holds my hand and strokes my head, no breast feeding but I will not come to terms with people not giving me the same happiness and enthusiasm. It is wrong and unfair. If you were pregnant and didn't want to travel for the same reasons she would understand it is just that her brain isn't putting this in the same box. Tell her it is the same box this doesn't have to mean upset or conflict just say I need to commit to this like you would a pregnancy. This is my exciting journey I won't do the things you will but this is as important and a much bigger commitment in terms of time and money x x (Sorry I have had a rant too)


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

You are so so right, people do not make the same connection at all! Like you say, if I was pregnant it would be all talk baby, so why is this so different? There is still a child coming, just in a different way. I think I will have to talk to her again and explain what I can do, what may be tricky etc. I have already said we hope to go to panel by end of June so that is a no go etc for meeting up as until we get a date I cant risk it. Hoped the hint would have given a wake up call but doesnt seem to have. Maybe I expect too much? Like I say, we are so close, I just thought she would be more excited for us? Maybe she doesnt want to jinx it...? Thinking that makes me feel a little better!

So glad your dad is so supportive! He is right in what he says but so are you, why should we give people time to get their heads round it? If you love us you are happy that we are happy. End of. Sadly it doesnt work that way xxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwww honey sending you hugs. I totally agree with gwyneth and think maybe you should just talk to her again maybe her main focus this year is the wedding but you have also got something major going on in your life too and you need her support too. 

Thinking of you 


Xxxxxxx


----------



## skyblu

Hi Lolly    .
I am sorry but since I have been through adoption for nearly 2 years now and just been matched   I have to say............. stop pussing around your friend, if you were as close as you say you are, then I would expect the same support you are giving her. As the others have said , if you were expecting then she would be all over you. Tell her straight that you have a lot going on, be honest , tell her adoption is stressfull enough without worrying about upsetting her. Also say all the nice things , like you want to be there for her, how excited you are about being a bridesmade and all that goes into it but you also want her support and your appointments and panel dates are more important.
(mind you I am sure if you had to cancel an appointment with your SW she would be o.k with it. They do realise that you have still got a life to get on with before you have your little one).
Sorry if this sounds harsh but I stopped pussing around people a long time ago, if they don't understand the support you need at this most exciting time in your life, then sorry she is not much of a friend.
I am sure though if you sat her down and told her straight how you feel, she would be horrified that she was being selfish and not being the friend you need. But don't you feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Good luck hun and best of luck on your journey and your friend. 

Skyblu.xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for everyones advice, you are all stars    I know you are right Emma, not too much to ask is it?!!  I think it's harder being far away too, she is kind of removed from things a bit more.

No Skyblue, it doesn't sound harsh, it sounds like the advice I may give someone else in the same situation, so why am I struggling to take it    I know you are all right, I think I have just been a bit swept up in all the positivity we have received so far and as this is the once source of support I assumed would be there, I think it just hurts much more than if it came from someone else.  Don't get me wrong, she is not being negative, she is just ignoring it which is almost worst because at least I can address negative comments.  I think I will have to re-explain, in a nice but to the point way, exactly what we are going through, exactly what SW expects from us etc etc.  I'm hoping she just is being a bit ignorant to the whole thing, I mean even I didn't understand what it all entailed properly until we were well on our way, so why would others?  I said to SW that one of my problems is I have a tendency to put others ahead of myself and worry about what they think, but it is time to toughen up and think about us and our future    So if that means telling it 'how it is' then so be it!!  (Still excited about her wedding though  )

Wish me luck....


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Good luck sweetie let us know how it goes xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Good luck you'll be great x


----------



## Billybeans

Hi Lolly, with regards to your friend can you speak hyperthetically so you could say some of your friends havn't been supportive and explain why and what you expect from them. Then sort of involve her in with it by saying I need yourself and others to be there for us during this time and explain how you want her to be there for you...Am  making any sense here?
Like you I would find it awkward to be harsh and upfront. Alternatively you could write her a letter and post it to her explaining how you feel. I find it easier to write stuff down then you can think about how to put it and re-write it if it doesn't sound right. You don't want to be saying something the wrong way with a risk of loosing a friendship that you value.
So glad your SW visit went well. When is the next one?


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Shining Star, that is good advice... 'guess what so and so at work said, im really upset' etc. Ok, wont milk it, but it is a good way in to introducing the subject and all the complexities that surround it. I can talk the talk, but when it is someone so close to you I find it hard to be too blunt. So this is great, thank you!

We have our next visit on Thursday, all about our locality and support network. Meeting sister in law for drinks in a bit, she is an outreach worker and has gathered me bits regarding groups accessible in the area, so tomorrow we will be finishing our homework and waiting for 10th to arrive!! X x x x X


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Enjoy a night off and having a nice glass on vino. Speak soon


----------



## skyblu

Have a Lovely night Lolly.
I was (and still am to a point) like you, putting others first, but when it came to the adoption I had to toughen up and say it as it was, I haven't lost any friends from it, because if I had then I would of known they really wernt my friend in the first place. Mind you do have the added problem that your friend is so far away, so maybe it is just a case  of her not being involved and seeing what you are going through on a daily bases. I think I would go by Shining stars advice and give a hypothetical story like one of your colleagues/friends don't seem to understand what you are going through and how hard it is and how much you thought she would of been there for you , and just see what she says. I am sure though that she is just caught up with excitement and arrangements of her wedding and when you see her she may have more time for asking you how things with your adoption is going.

Good luck hun and try not to worry too much about it.
Take care
Skyblu.xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi guys!  

Thank you all again for your support on the friend issue.  So today I got a 'days til wedding countdown text' so sent back a 'days til panel' (going off 8 month guide) reply!!!  She sent back something along the lines of exciting stuff and a good year all round, which was nice, but soon back to wedding talk.  I really do think she is happy for us, but is so wrapped up in her bubble, and with being so far, it is hard for her to relate to it.  It is just drip feeding her bits to change that mindset I think.  I haven't raised the 'hypothetical issue' with her yet as she has been away and doing it by text didn't seem right, but still will, just to reinforce that I need her support etc.  We have planned to catch up this weekend so I will let you all know!

So we had our fifth session this evening.  Compared to a lot of the others it was quite easy going!!  We talked about support network, all good, spoke about facilities in our area, all good, and then went on to how we would support a child who was 'different' (trick question ladies - we are all different and that is what makes us special - seemed to go down well  )  Although of course talked about other forms of support and how we would integrate a child into our community.  then we spoke a little about contact, but will be covering that more in 3 weeks at day 4 of training.

So homework is to read a mock up CPR and answer some questions, not sure what yet, she is emailing tomorrow.  We also have a session in 2 weeks where we will also talk about childcare experience - hope that will tick some boxes     She said we are 'motoring' through.  I hoped for a panel date, but no such luck   DF asked if we could be going to panel early seen as we are motoring    She said it was a possibility to go in May, but i'm still thinking it'll be June, and then anything else is a bonus  

 to all reading xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Well done you. I love the panel count down fab idea lol x


----------



## nutmeg

It'll be here before you know it Lolly xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva




----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I would give anything to turn back time to last week when I was writing all about my cheeky kitty. He has been taken away now and all there is is overwhelming pain. We miss him so much, he was our baby when we couldnt have one of our own. Can you love a pet too much? Because if you can, we did. I got sent home from work as I couldnt stop crying. I need the snow to come now to cover his paw prints and the spot we found him. He is sleeping in the garden now and I take small comfort he is home. I loved him so so much, it is too painful. RIP my beautiful boy x x x x x


----------



## flickJ

Oh Lolly, It must be awful for you to have to remember such things   As soon as I read your post, the tears started pouring down my face  

I, for one, can sympathise with you. I have been through my share of distress caused by animals (re-homed three dogs) and I thought my heart had been ripped out each time we had to say good-bye. 

To lose a Fur-baby (because that's what they are) is devastating, but the memories of them and their special ways will be with you forever.

Lolly, I hope the pain get's better for you, and I helps to know there is someone out here who understands what it is like to lose a beloved animal


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I started crying as soon as I got your text yesterday and I'm crying again now reading this. People can't understand what our pets mean to us as Flick said they are our fur babies, the children we have not managed to achieve yet despite having suffered so much. 

I am so sorry about what has happened to your beautiful kitty. Take as much time as you need, sod everyone else. I said to my DH last night when we have lost a family member I have gone back to work after a day or something but if I lost my fur baby I'd need a few weeks off to recover. That isn't because I don't love my family it's because I love my dog so much as I know you do your cat. I am here if you need anything. Loads of love x x


----------



## gettina

he'll be merrily gambolling about in kitty heaven with new play mates and lots of treats now.
So sorry you are going to miss him dearly.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks girls, it just feels so quiet and empty without him. I shouted night to him out the window just now and will every night. He is snuggly warm wrapped in my dressing gown, cuddling his mouse. I miss him :-(


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwww lolly I'm so sorry. 

Hugs xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Mum spoke to SW yesterday to arrange a visit when they are up next month. Mum said what had happened and SW sent us a text to see if we we are ok, how nice is that? God this hurts xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah she obviously thinks a lot of you which is great news. So sorry that things are so sucky but I'm glad home study is going so well x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well it has been the most horrendous week I have actually ever had.  There is of course the grief from my beautiful cat and the hole he has left in our lives, and this is the thing that is the worst.  There have been many other things to contend with too, which have come at the wrong time and have been difficult to deal with.  I think we are starting to turn a little corner though although I did cry my eyes out when SW visited today.  Plonker....  

ANYWAY, our visit actually went really well after the initial melt down!!!  Our SW said at the end we are very strong candidates and she is really happy with our application and progress      Today we talked all about childcare experience.  It was crazy because for every situation she raised I had dealt with a child in that position.  Very sad as a lot of the cases were very distressing and deprived    But she did say it made us looked well equipped for the possible complexities of adoption.

Our next session is 4th Feb, with our final day of prep next week, where we will be discussing approval panel, matching, intros and post placement support.  She said we are ahead of time so if she can get us to panel before June she will.  Still got June in my head though as then there is no disappointment.

Love to you all, and thank you again for your kind words.  So many have been through so many tough times and so much worse in life, I must be thankful for all I have.  I just feel lost without my baby xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Great news that you may be in before June I've always thought you would.   So sorry you've had such a rubbish week but the way you've got on with everything as a couple shows what wonderful people you are x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Great news honey fingers crossed you get there before June. 

Sending lots of hugs xxxxx


----------



## Maccer

Hi Lolly,

Sorry to read about your cat, they are such a big part of the family, its so sad when we lose them.  Great news about going to panel early though.  I hope everything gets a bit better next week.

Maccer xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ahh, thank you all, you are all such great support, it means a lot  

Well today really is a turning point.  The past week we have had had money worries which threatened our adoption plans, although they were not our fault, we were being unfairly targeted, and thank goodness the dispute was overturned in our favour.  The company at fault are now being extra nice as they know that legally we could get them fined for what they have done.  DF has fought so hard, I am so prud of him for protecting us and our future family.

We have also had some health worries with me that threatened our adoption plans, but my results have just come back NORMAL, again, thank goodness.  The problems I have experienced are all down to my endometriosis and hormonal imbalances from PCOS.  But when they start testing for cancers 'just in case' it is ever so scary    I have kept this one quiet from many people as to say it out loud terrified me.  I was convinced I was ill, and the health professionals remained very neutral (they have to I guess) so it was not reassuring.  But my results were rushed through and for that I am thankful.  What a lovely was to start the weekend now. 

Our little cat will never come back but I honestly believe he is now looking after us like we did with him.

We have just added to our savings and now have a healthy sum for our future baby/ies, and so to celebrate I have just ordered a baby book for adopted children.  Our first purchase    Praying life is now plain sailing for a bit


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

And my mum has just bought 'Related by Adoption: a Handbook for Grandparents and Other Relatives'


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey, so pleased everything is ok make sure you celebrate this weekend. 


Happy reading. I'm reading toddler taming its very good. 

Hugs xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah sweetie you don't have to keep things all to yourself I've been worrying about you so much you can always talk to me. So glad your test results have come back clear  . You've been super brave. Lots of love x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ah thank you Emma, oh and happy reading, you will be 'taming' before you know it!!!

Thanks Gwyneth, I so nearly spoke to you, but knew I would get in a state    It all kicked off a little the week before my little lad was taken, and I actually had all the testing done the day he died.  I think with that it all got a bit much and suddenly I spiralled a bit    Then it was the Friday with all the insurance stuff when I was texting you like a crazy lady    But we are turning a corner now   and will get back to smiling.  You have been fab, THANK YOU   Oh, and we need to rearrange our dinner date!!  

DF has turned an invite with a friend to go to the pub tomorrow and says he is taking me out to celebrate


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah glad you are being taken out. I've got my brother and his girlfriend coming over for fish pie and a good chat. Was going to see if you two fancied it but a romantic meal for two sounds a lot more exciting. You didn't text like a crazy woman I was glad you text me you have been there for me a lot of times. The only thing I can say is life is unfair and cruel. There is no even spreading of hardships some people deal with a million things while others go through nothing but easy times. I wish this wasn't the way but it is. Having  accepted this has made my hard times easier than when I used to battle with it and get angry at the injustices. The one thing that comforts me is for me I have lived / am living the worst and have surviving. On the list of awful things for me the most painful is living childless while desperately wanting one. So I tell myself every day once I have adopted bad things will happen but they won't hurt like this I will hold my babies and know I will be fine. The rest ofthe world will hurt and struggle as will I but I will have peace knowing I will be fine and have survived worse. As will you x x you are very brave and strong x x


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## Billybeans

Lolly, I am so sorry for the upset you have been through over the past week or so  
I like you and Gwyneth love my fur babies very much, they are our only family and we treat them like a family member. They give unconditional love and support. They are our rock at times and I understand what you must be feeling. It does the soul good to try to think about the happy times and the pleasure that your cat gave to you. He will know how much you loved him and will have given you his love in return. I hope the pain and upset eases given time.
So pleased you have got such a good relationship with your SW, I'm sure that helps. Well done for getting through the tough times together as a couple.
Lots of Love


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks both so much  

I have randomly requested a carvery for tea, got a craving for a roast dinner(!)  Not the most fine dining or romantic evening, but sounds good to me!  Have also been looking at cinema listings but bar Monsters Inc 3D there is nothing much I fancy!  Damn it, when you need a child to go and not feel silly in a theatre filled with 5 and 6 year olds!!  Hmmmm, wonder what my niece is doing today....  

Thank you Shining Star.  I have had very similar responses from many of the girls on here, and it is because rightly or wrongly we are pouring those maternal needs into caring for a beloved pet   We really want another but are not sure if we can ever face this heartache again.  He was my baby and I miss him terribly but am finding peace with it a little now.

You are right, our SW is fab, we have been really lucky.  We had her for both initial interviews and then she asked if she could keep us for HS. Nice to be wanted, and I know she will do her very best for us.  

I hope all is going ok with you hun, and you are moving a little closer to the journey you will be undertaking.  Big hugs!

Ahh, thank you Gwyneth, you are so lovely to think of us!  Sorry we couldn't make it.  I still am so looking forward to catching up!  next weekend DH is is with his friend who he has cancelled tonight, and next my parents are up for my Birthday.  But after that I am all yours!  Sorry it will have been so long.

You are right in what you say.  Surely now we can cope with most things as we have been through some of the hardest times in our lives.  You have been to hell and back and are still standing and fighting, you are the strong one!  I have that same vision.  Things are never all rosy, hard times will hit again, but with our families with us we can cope.  It was a little like that with the cat, things would go wrong but I would hug him.  Crazy I know!  Imagine how strong we will feel with our families by our side.  That will be true happiness and we have all waited for that day for so so long.  I think even before you and me were trying we were waiting.  I keep telling myself it will be all the more sweet when that day arrives.  I think this all puts things into a massive perspective, so while everyone else whinges about the stain their kids have made on the carpet or the lack of sleep we will embrace it all.

Like you I have had to let go of so many things or I would go insane.  DFs mother is still at that point and finds it so unfair we have to jump through hoops etc, when she sees mums smoking and screaming at their 5 children in the street.  I acknowledge that and have had that hurt for a long time, but I told her she must let it go.  She has to come to terms with how it is as otherwise she will drive herself mad, and at the end of the day, it doesn't change things.  I tell her if I felt like that I could not do my job, I have had to try and be 'ok' with it.  It is so hard though.

Ok.... I am waffling  

Well my mum and dad have been super stars.  They were thinking what to get me and DF for our Birthday in Feb and April.  They thought maybe we would like a washing machine and a tumble drier.  Right now we have a combined one and it is rubbish.  We only use the tumble drier for socks as everything else gets ruined    Mum said she is thinking practically, it will be something we really need when we are parents and that she couldn't imagine not having good quality ones when she was washing all the baby grows etc when me and my brother were little.  We are bowled over as it is such a kind gesture, and will be very much needed.  She is certainly winding down now, has finished being a vice school governor, writing for the local paper and parish magazine, and has only retained her actual paid writing job for a county magazine.  My SW thinks it is so she can be here lots more once our baby or babies arrive.  We are all getting excited  

Oh, and by the way, my friend who had upset me a few weeks back has come through this past week or so.  She has been amazing and has shown me how much she does care.  She even messaged Thursday asking all about how our visit went.  Happy!


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## Billybeans

What a lovely post Lolly, so glad your friend is being supportive,such a relief for you and your parents sound as fab as mine. All good!


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## Ally Wally

Hi Lolly, i am loving your updates. Can I ask which book you bought for the little one(s)? i bought the 'related' one for my step mom for xmas and secretively found my dad reading it a day later and he had nearly finished it. made me quite emotional...


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Ah that is lovely!! That would choke me up too! Do you mean the baby book? It is called My Journey: A Baby Book for Adoptive Families and is £8.90 from the internet - you know the site I mean (dont know if im allowed to name it or not!!) It has good reviews, only down side seemingly is that there is a section for baby shower pics, but I thought I could put our last days at work in there etc. Cant wait for it to arrive! x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh you'll have to let me know if it's good. I've bought a couple of BAAF books adopters handbook, Parenting the child who hurts and trauma and resilience. My Dad has bought 4 copies of the other relatives book one for my 3 brothers in this country and him and my Mum. My sister has bought it for her and my brother in Oz. So everyone is getting very informed x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Ahh that is great hun, lovely people are so involved and will hopefully understand some of the challenges we will face and why we will parent our babies the way we do xxx


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## Ally Wally

thanks lolly..that book is so adorable. seems to take a while to come from the US so i may order it now...but am feeling strangely hesistant in case i jinx things. but at the same time..may be brownie points for us in the eyes of sw's? ;-)


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I know what you mean Ally, it is scary to temp fate and I am usually the last one to do so, but I was feeling happy so thought why not?!! Eeeek!   You're right though, it does take a while, mine is still not due until the week after next   

So we had our final day of prep training On Thursday.  It was nice to see everyone after 3 months, and see where they are all up too.  It was a packed day, starting with a talk from a teacher about education.  She also works in supporting foster children and their families, so had lots of insight.  It was good at points, but a lot we already knew and she talked for literally two hours without breath    Next we had a session with the agencies clinical psychologist.  She was very good, and I could imagine is great with children.  We did a session on emotion, but our emotions as prospective adopters.  It was good to be able to normalise a lot of what we feel and talk in groups and realise it is totally typical behaviour for this stage in the process.  After lunch we had a session about contact, very interesting, which merged into telling your child about adoption.  We looked at life story book in more detail and went over the later in life stories etc.  they had also recently update the training to include social networking and contact through things like ********.  It is scary to realise just how easy it all could be.  And finally we finished with post adoption support.  The VA seem to offer a fantastic package which we will definitely use.

At the end we were told to start getting some pictures ready to use in our intro books   And as we left the SWs were telling us all 'good luck at panel'  

Have had a busy week at work, but time is flying!  Went to a beer and cider festival with friends last night, met a friend for lunch today and then had a mad clean of the house.  My mum and dad arrive tonight for a week   So excited to see them, I haven't since October and I think that is the longest time it's ever been.  SW visit Monday, my Birthday Wednesday, a day off Thursday.  Times are getting better


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi everyone!  

Hope you are all well?

So we had another visit on Monday.  Went well!  We talked over our case study work, and then through our matching criteria.  After after much discussion me and DF have realsied we need to have the 1 or 2 conversation again!  It was also hard as a lot of the difficulties we were saying no to defined many of the children that I work with.  I was thinking 'but that means I am saying no to a child like Jonny, as he is a lovely child, does that make me a bad person?'  SW said no, of course not, and working vs parenting 24/7 is of course massively different.  I said that I will always feel guilty turning any innocent child down, but I understand and am realistic.

She also met my parents, they talked for over 2 hours!  She answered a lot of their questions, and they really liked her, so all good there!  She is back 28th Feb and in between now and then she is going to start writing our PAR!!!  Wow!  She said it will help her to identify any gaps, and keep things moving forward!

So girls, today is my Birthday, and DF got me an adorable little baby girl kitten!  She will never replace my beautiful boy and I will miss him every day, but she will ease the hurt i'm sure.

Love to you all, Lolly xxxxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Happy birthday sweetheart hope you've had a lovely day. 

Awwww little kitty that's so lovely xxxx

Glad it's going we'll honey you'll be at Panel before you know it. 

Hugs xxxxxx


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## gettina

A late in the day happy birthday lolly.
A new, different little innocent purr machine to love. Fab.
And nice one on how you are scooting through hs.
X


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Great news she's starting to write it now because it takes ages so that should speed up getting  to panel once all visits are done. What are you thinking in the 1 vs 2 debate ? Always here if you want a sounding board. Lots of love x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks guys!! We have taken her to the vets today and she is small (630g) but perfectly healthy. I love her so much already, though still miss my boy every day. It is scary how attached we are to our little pets!

Ok, so the 1 child vs 2 children debate.... well, we are going in circles really....

Having 2 is a worry due to:

* Being in a townhouse, I would feel uncomfortable for a child to be on a different level to us, and some SWs will not entertain it anyway.
* I worry about the difference raising 2 financially, compared to 1.
* Having a child is life changing, would 2 be too overwhelming, especially for DF who isn't that used to children?
* Would I be able to bond with them both the same and give the same attention?
* What if one is a lot younger and needs more support, would the older one struggle and become distressed?

BUT

* We would have our family and wouldn't need to go through the process again.
* The children will be birth siblings, and will always share that connection.
* They will have the same contact arrangements.
* We would manage, it would just be hard initially, but you get through it and we would of course love it!

With only having 1:

* We wouldn't be able to apply for a sibling until the child is around school age, so that could be a good 3 years.
* If we adopted a second time could we manage the process again?
* What if, down the line, it is deemed our child must be a single child due to their individual needs?
* If we did adopt a second time, what if the children struggle to adapt to one another?
* Will contact agreements be different? Imagine how the oldest would feel when littlie is off to meet their birth siblings when they have none... 

HOWEVER:

* We have the prefect space to house one child, and would make it their own.
* We can give them all our time, love and attention!
* We will be able to coordinate an easier work/life balance, as there won't be multiple schools/nursery drops each day.
* If we did adopt again we have been told by our VA that we won't have to repeat everything, just do some 'top up' sessions.
* It would be easier for me to drop more hours at work only having the one child to support.
* There is always the possibility of a birth sibling coming along later, and maybe we would be the first choice to care for that baby?
* Realistically I honestly feel DF would struggle having gone from none to two needy little ones.

Can you see why we are going round and round   Plus, i'm sure I must have missed something vital, this is just off the top of my head at this moment....

Has anyone else has similar thoughts?

Thank you


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Me and Neil have the same debate regularly but we have 1, 2, 3 in the mix. We have the space and I have all the same arguments as you but I've always desperately wanted a big family. I want a dining table full and I know that 2 to me will be enough to keep me happy but I will always pine for more. Four children is what I have always wanted but 3 is max we could ever get. Like you I worry about giving them enough vs advantages it is so hard. I also have to balance my need to have a big family with that. I don't want children to feel there is something missing for me because I only have 2 and to me that doesn't feel like a family. I know that will sound weird to others but I am from a massive family in all aspects siblings, cousins, aunties, uncles etc. To me 4 people doesn't feel like a family because it isn't what I have known it feels like a load of empty seats that need filling. 

I hope that doesn't offend anyone I don't for a second look at other familes and think that it's just about me and what I have always known and wanted. 

So hard wish I could help more x x xx x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

That doesn't offend at all hun, it is what you have grown up living and knowing, and the notion of family in your head will of course relate to that. Plus, when you have build up your ideal in your mind it is hard to shake. For me and DF we both have the opposite image to you, and have the family of 4 in our heads. But again, it is because be are both from families of 4, so it is our comfort zone. It is whether we have the instant family or work towards it one at a time. SW said that we have the option to be approved for 1 or 2, but the big thing here is she feels we will have loads of profiles for siblings as there are many waiting in our area, and that would proably be the focus.  So in my mind then what is the point of saying 1 or 2, as it would obviously be 2   Plus, we mustn't let the 'quick match' if we go for siblings sway us, as it has to be right... ahhhh! 

Isn't it difficult?!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Have posted the quandary on the parenting board for us. Thought some insight from ladies that have lived it might help x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Happy Sunday all, I hope everyone reading is well  

My parents have gone home now   Probably will next see them in April   I guess not too long to wait, and by which point we should have our actual panel date    It has been a lovely week, and mum explained all about our adoption plans to her Aunt who is 83.  She is the most modern thinking 'old' person I know and said all the right things. She is super excited but realistic about waiting times. She said that when we get our child she will be on the first bus over... Mum said she drew the line in talking about funnelling  

My adoption baby book came yesterday, it is lovely and definitely worth the money. It is a little Americanised in polaces, but can get round it easily enough. Is a nice keepsake with lots to fill in! 

As for the big 1 vs 2 debate we are leaning towards 1 at the moment.  I think we need to speak more with our SW about the logistics about be approved for 1 or 2, and how realistic it is that we see profiles of both categories, or whether we will be swayed in the sibling group direction.  I think it comes down to the fact that we both have to be totally happy.  I would be either/or, I know however my babies come I will love them with all my heart and soul.  DF on the other hand is pretty overwhelmed at the thought of 2, so that says it all really.  Not 100% yet, but we are now thinking singlie.  I still find it strange that we have the choice...

Right, now going to enjoy all the Cs... coffee, chocolate, computer, a clean house, and the cat!  

Love to everyone in adoption land


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Do you know anyone with two little ones you could borrow. I know that sounds weird but having two little one for a day / evening will give you a really good starting point for discussion. Me and DH have always had our 3 nephews loads over nights and weekends etc so we know what it is like logistically to get 3 under 4's out the house and that we have systems that work (now it took a few tries   ). 

I know without this experience DH would be terrified of more than one. His only issue with 3 is emotional he knows that in terms of routine etc it would be mega hard but we could do it because we have. He is worried about giving them enough love and attention to help them feel secure. He says 2 is perfect because we can cuddle one each. Also they can pick a favorite parent   very DH. Pointed out to him he is way stronger than me so would carry the older one because they are lighter not because they have picked a favorite. He said oh yeah didn't think about it like that  . 

If I'm being honest I think your heart lies with one but you feel two is the sensible choice in your head. I may be totally wrong that is just my gut feeling.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Bless DH, one to cuddle each, that is sweet!

Do you know what, we don't actually know people with two LOs  Most have one at the moment, or have siblings, but much older than our age bracket.  

I think DFs mum saying she "hopes we only get one" is adding to his anxiety   I believe she thinks two may be overwhelming for us, and is trying to 'help' but actually is throwing a spanner in the works!!  

I think you may be right with your feeling hun, although I have not really thought about it until you said.  I really don't want to go with an option because it seems sensible, it has to be right.  I also don't want to be swayed about waiting times, as if we have to wait longer for the right match then that is what we will do... (I am not under estimating how hard this will be though)

Gah, it is all so difficult.  I think we really do need to talk this through with SW further.  We also have some more thinking re a couple of matching consideration needs, as she felt we were undecided on a couple.  It feels like we have reached the 'intense' stage


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey, 

We had the whole one or two debate after prep, we went to prep saying one finished prep saying two but now it's back to one, we thought it through and what we worried about was the bonding so we decided one and then in a year or two do it again, we know we can do it so why not hehe. 

Hope your ok? 

Hugs xxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Emma!  

Thanks for sharing your story hun, I think we are a bit like that too!  Started off thinking 1, then 2, now not sure, and if I am honest with myself I think we will end up saying 1.  It still is undecided and I did want to be approved for 1 or 2, but don't want to push DF if he is uncomfortable with the idea.  We are still talking, and will be with our SW when she is back in a couple of weeks  

Started my chronology yesterday, it is hard remembering the exact dates of things!  Thank goodness I haven't lived abroad or anything, as I can see why some of the ladies struggle finding all the old addresses out!  Luckily my mum had everything all written down!  Think DF will struggle a little more  

I'm ill again   Full of cold, but having only been back to work a couple of weeks I can't really be off again.  I did cancel my school visits so I wasn't sneezing on the children yesterday, but groups and drop-in clinics today, so can't really bail on them    It is our furbaby's first day on her own all day today    She will be fine i'm sure, lots of food, toys, comfy spaces and nowhere she can climb or get hurt ( )  Hoping she will be pleased to see us when we get home later and we get some mini purrs!  I will try and upload a photo at some stage (if I can!) as she is such a cutie, although I may be biased!!

Hope you are all well - well(er) than me   - and have a good day xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah feel better soon babes  . Hope your baby kitty has been ok on her own all day x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Ah, thanks hun, think im finally on the mend. Fingers crossed!

Sat in the staff room with all the pregnant peeps talking about how they were on the pill and still got pregnant, one had the coil, one only needed her husband to drop his pants and she got pregnant. Ground swallow me up :-(


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## Mummy DIY Diva

People suck!! 
Wish I could flick them all in the back of the head to put some sense into all the idiots. People will never understand the hurt we live with. Wish I could get rid of all the people who constantly make our battles even harder without knowing but all I can do is send        .


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Knew you would understand    

It is the ignorance of people that wears me down    But then again why shouldn't they think that way, have some fun and 'boom' they are pregnant... if it has always worked that way for them then they wouldn't consider that not to be the norm.  Well I guess it is the norm and we are the 'abnormal' ones    While I am thrilled to bits to be adopting it hurts that it has taken over 6 years to get to this point and still I am having to prove my worth, when so-and-sos husband only needs to "drop his pants" and she is preggers  

Ok.... rant over


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I know sweetie and it always will. I wouldn't change what we are doing but I would love to change how and when we got here. I will be so grateful that we are blessed with the children we fingers crossed are matched to but I will never be grateful for the journey we have had. It has been awful soul destroying and more painful than I believed anything could be. People will never understand that so we are lucky  to have each other x x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks lovely! Can relate to everything you have just said, so nice to know people do understand, although equally I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Just read it while my computer loaded up and it choked me up. Had to pull myself together when two colleagues walked in! Thanks so much. And cant wait til Saturday!! x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah me either will be great to talk with the boys too. 
I had a rubbish work moment today a Year 11 pupil bought the 12 weeks scan of his and his girlfriends baby today.   There is no justice they will be parents by September they have nothing to offer a child and didn't plan for one. The world and his best friend will all they can for them and patch up the messes they make. Yet we have to prove we deserve to be parents.   

Oh well tomorrow is a new day and hopefully no 15 year olds will show me their scan pics. Don't worry I managed to smile and say ah. The fantastic actress I am  .


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## Sq9

xx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Sending big hugs sweetheart xxxx


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## bluedreams

Hi Gwenyth, big hugs    

I work in a secondary school too and know exactly what you're talking about.  I think it was only the other day a pupil had started talking to me about her baby and asked me for advice as she thought I had my own children (shed seen a picture of me n my godson on my laptop) on how I coped with the labour    How do I help her there? I couldn't, and also had to pretend that it wasn't breaking my heart talking to a 15 year old about these things.

I just tell myself things happen for a reason, and I'm glad (well sort of) that she felt she could talk to me about her worries. xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks Blue dreams. Probably best not to tell her that at 15 her pelvis isn't properly formed for labor so it'll hurt like hell. 

It's just one of those things isn't it life is sent to try us. (On a near daily basis) Have a wonderful weekend ladies. Especially you Lolly because your eating my cooking (finger crossed you like it) x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh no, I just saw these posts, how difficult for you    Well done for holding it together, I know that inside it must have been turmoil    And same for you bluedreams, 15    The world works in mysterious ways, I know we will all get there but sometimes it is just plain hard    One of the 'preggos' ( ) at work left for her maternity leave today.  She made us cakes which was sweet, but said she was up making them at 3.30am as she was so stressed about the baby   Seriously?!!! Ahhhh, I will show you stressed    Anyway... lets not go there again  

Thanks or the hugs Emma, sending some back   and hoping you are bearing up ok xxxxx

So we have received an email from our SW, it contains our health and safety check, pet assessment for our little furbaby (she said she can't wait to meet her!) and a budget form.  She wants us to fill it in twice, once for one child and another for two children.  So best get going with that soon, 28th will be here before we know it.

Gwyneth I know your cooking with be fab, I said to DF I have a feeling you will be a great cook and I will have a lot to live up to when we return the favour.... so no pressure    

Hope you are all enjoying your Friday evenings,

Love Lolly xxxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So have had a look at the pet assessment we have been sent for our little lady!  Two pages and 13 questions later I am a little concerned... only because she is a baby so if I fill it in now, yes she does 'poo in the house' but hopefully won't long term.  No she hasn't had her injections, but of course will be as soon as she is old enough.  Yes she does bite, but it's more a chew as she is a teething kitten.

52 questions makes up the home health and safety check   I'm sure all of you who have passed this stage know it is standard, and of course we should be fine, but I must admit I was quite shocked it is so extensive!

So we have had a lovely weekend   Me and DF went and met the lovely Gwyneth and her hubby for dinner last night.  It is always great to talk to like minded people who understand IF, the feelings it evokes and of course now, all things adoption!  It is company where you can completely be yourself and not worry about being judged in any way    Today my lovely friend from work came and we went for lunch.  I told her our plans and she was thrilled and said all the right things.  Then our neighbours came over this afternoon for a couple of hours.  Now it is suddenly Sunday evening and the weekend is gone once again    Back to the grindstone soon enough, but until then I am going to enjoy a lazy evening with my man and puddy cat


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Well I just had a phonecall from my 83 year old great aunt telling me how very sorry she was... My mum saw her a week and a half ago when they were up on their jollies and so I thanked her and said it had been a tough couple of weeks (I thought she meant when the cat had died  )  She said no dear, that you can't have a baby!!  She went on and on about how you just don't think, you grow up, get married, have babies...  She said her mum always knew she would have a family as she used to dress the cat up and push it in the pram (apparently that determines your fertility or something  )  Anyway, the conversation was very very sweet.  She is so happy for us to be adopting and wanted to reassure me that that child will be seen no differently, and that she will be wanting a cuddle.  We did have some crossed wires when she said I must just be waiting for that letter to arrive!!  But all in all it was lovely and I think she enjoyed learning a bit more about what happens.  If only everyone was so wonderfully supportive, we would all be laughing


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## bluedreams

Aww lolly that is so sweet!! Isn't it lovely having support like that?! X


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwww so sweet xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Dinner was great thank you so much for coming. Can't believe how chatty DH was he normally says next to nothing when meeting new people. I think your DF really helped put a number of his worries to rest. You should charge   . 

Glad you've had some really positive contact from friends and family your Great Auntie sounds like a legend we could all do with one like that.  

Looking forward to our next catch up. x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So today we have completed a few more bits of paperwork in preparation for our next visit on Thursday.  We have our chronologies done (DF did get a bit grumpy at one point when I got annoyed at him for not remembering the month he moved house in 1983   Oooops!!)  We are also looking at budget planners, one as we are now, then will complete another for one child placed and one for two children.  This will be done by tomorrow evening.  We have also gone through our home safety checklist and seem to have most things in place.  The changes we envisage having to make are installing blind cord tidies, adding a lock to the cleaning product cupboard and knife drawer, buying a carbon monoxide detector and getting the boiler serviced.  I think I will also try and get our family trees done for Thursday.  Hopefully we are nearly there!!

SW promised to start our PAR so looking forward to an update.  Also think our referees may be hearing from her soon.  Really hope we get to panel in May but still think it will be June as our VA only have one a month and there will be people ahead of us in the 'queue'... But I guess what is a month when this is the rest of our lives we are talking about?!!  Can't believe we are nearly there


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thought I would update you after our 8th session today... So we finished off our matching considerations and SW also clarified a couple of previous queries she had encountered when starting to write our PAR    It was a relatively short session compared to others as we are almost there!!  Only one more session left booked in for 4th April, and between now and then she will be visiting our referees and writing our PAR (she booked a few days out in her diary in front of us so that she can get on with the report, nice to know it is important to her)   

We also had the 1 or 2 debate.  She feels we are young, have experience, the facilities and support network for 2 but is happy with our reasons behind our decision for 1 child at this time.  She made us aware that we are likely to wait longer but while hard we accept that we would always wait for the right match.  We also completed our budget planner and she is happy with our calculations and ability to afford to raise a child comfortably.

She thinks we are on for May panel which will be 16th   BUT this is no means set in stone and a lot is hinged on getting one of our referees interviewed who lives 400 miles away!  They have to go through the county council there and pay one of their SW to do it.  Hope that they pull their finger out!!  Fingers crossed!! 

I also asked if we need a second opinion visit and she said that they are not a requirement and only get carried out if there is some uncertainly so no we won't have one!  Love that there is no uncertainty!!    I also asked (because I am nosey) what her caseload is like and how many she has ongoing at the moment.  She says that as she is a principle her caseload is smaller due to managing and supervisions etc.  So she does all the initial visits from people enquiring, and at the moment has 2 people going through HS (one is us!), 2 awaiting placements, although one is linked, 2 families she is supporting post placement and the possibility of 1 second time adoptive couple coming back for another.  She also is doing some work with an older man who was previously adopted in terms of tracing.  Just though you may be interested! 

 to all reading!  Love Lolly   xxx


----------



## crazyspaniel

Getting there now Lolly, May will be here before you know it x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you!!  It seems far away in some respects but it's March tomorrow and then May is technically only 2 months away.... Yikes!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

​16th May is going in the diary I'm being positive and excited for you. Glad you are being nosy it's very interesting to know isn't it . Well for nosy peeps like me it is.

So glad she has no concerns (although if she did I think she was a nutter.) Getting really close now which is fab love the positive news. Enjoy the weekend x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

It's 7 weeks not 2 months lol x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

7 weeks   Hahaha!!!  Eeeeks!  I may post-it the 16th but not get the biro out just yet        DF is more positive as he said she wouldn't have mentioned May unless she was pretty confident   

Also forgot to mention that she is struggling to get in touch with the old LA I used to live in    I was a respite carer and all they need is a quick check that all was well from the county council, no complaints or issues etc.  But she has written to them twice in the past three months and nothing    They will have to call and keep trying, but another possible thing to throw a spanner in the works, although time is still very much on our side.  Gah, why do I always see problems....?!!  

So when she next comes we will do the health and safety check, she will sign off our documents and is bringing some CPRs to gauge our reaction on some issues to see how far we will go in terms of certain needs.  Then we are DONE   

Oh, and she was totally smitten with the kitten!!  She spent the first 20 minutes playing with her.  luckily as she arrived kitty had been sleeping so when she asked if she could hold her she was stillpretty comatose so there was no scratchy bitey probelms, phew!  Then she started fishing out bits of paper from her bag and screwing them up to make kitty toys!  At the end of the session the cat got a special goodbye chat too!  Cute!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay 16th may is a good day it's my birthday too  what a nice present ill get YOU getting APPROVED wahoo xxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Dear diary... long time no speak  

Hi to everyone, not too much to report really as we are still waiting on our next appointment with SW which isn't for another 3 weeks.  I hope she is busily writing our PAR and contacting our referees behind the scenes though.  We still have some work to complete (family trees, gathering documents, finishing ecomap) so enough to be ticking us over while we wait.... god, the post approval (    ) wait will be awful  

I am being a bit silly (someone slap me!) and worrying about our financial checks... I have it in my head that they won't just look at the account balences but will trawl through and examine every purchase   We had to take a big lump sum out of savings recently as DF lost his phone   and buy a new one.  We have also had a few cheques coming in after a dispute through the insurance company over our car and liabiliy of an accident.  Will we have to explain everything?  And if we do why does it matter?  Why am I worriied?!!  I just guess I don't want her to think we can't manage (we can) and that she belives we have enough savings (we do).  God, I don't know wnat i'm on about    I think as it is the last HS session I am scared of falling at the last hurdle over something crazy  

Anyway I have been looking up all things kiddie and getting excited    Have seen a lovely winnie the pooh cot bed that we love.  DF said to buy it but no way I would just yet!  I was going to buy the Tomy photo album but after adding it to my Amazon basket I got scared and logged off  

I have been a way this weekend on a hen do (3 nights of carnage!) and it has confirmed in my head that this isn't what I want anymore.  Don't get me wrong, it was a laugh and a fab experience, but I just want a quiet family life - as far as that is possible - my boozing and dancing til dawn days are most certainly over!!!

Hope all you ladies are doing well on your own adoption paths.... it feels like we are now so close yet still a million miles away.  We will keep plodding on I guess and I will keep browsing gorgeous toy chests and baby blankets and getting freaked out and buying nothing!!!!  

Love to you all,

Lolly   xxxxxxxx


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

Don't worry about the finances, they just want to see that you can manage, they won't scrutinise every purchase, although our SW did see some iTunes stuff and make a comment that we wouldn't be able to keep doing that (um, I think how we spend our disposable income is entirely our decision).

I have an Amazon Wish List, so I keep popping things on that, like the Maxi Cosi Axix car seat (it's amazing) and a cot bed, books etc etc...  Why don't you set one up, it's not as scary but it reminds you of things you'd like in the future.  Also, you can share it with people so they can buy you things you want for LO.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks auntie Katie, a wishlist is a fab idea   I didn't realise you could do that, oh I am going to have fun fun fun!!! Cheeky talking about your iTunes   I am worried they may figure out my takeaway indulgence now   

Oh and on a separate note why do pregnancy announcements still hurt so much?


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Don't know babe but they do. I think for me a big part is that it hurts me that others are given so easily what I have suffered and fought  so much for and still not achieved. Wrongly it makes me feel that on some level they are deemed worthy and I am not  . 

Don't worry about finances they will be fine. Headline figures only I think. I don't get paper statements so don't know what they will want me to show. 

I think the the on-line list is a good thing then you can just hit purchase when the day comes   which will be soon. With regards the post approval wait I wish I could say something that would help but I can't. I already think about it and dread it so much. It's like being back TTC and getting your period every month and not knowing when it will change. Only we've moved so beyond that and already waited so long. We will paint your house and that will keep you busy. I've got rollers, trays, sheets etc in the garage still so don't buy any of that I'll lend you our stuff.


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey

Honestly don't worry about finances they just wanted to see we where in credit in the bank and had some sort of savings
You have nothing to worry about I promise. 

Big hugs xxxxx


----------



## gettina

Hi Lolly 
You are motoring through HS! 
Re our financial checks our SW wanted to see a couple of months of our joint bank a/c where our bills get paid from. She asked us to point out our income (or in our case cos we have personal a/cs for our salaries - transfers in) that cover the bills. And she wanted to see our mortgage, utilities etc going out. DH is self employed which she was a bit unused to but he reassured her with business bank statements and then insisted on showing her his 'books'. He's so proud of mastering his accounts that despite her saying more than once that won't be necessary she was still forced to look and thankfully got the lie of the land and made suitably impressed noises (at the neatness and accuracy rather than the actual sums)! 
Anyway, the reason for piling into your diary is that we just had HS today and she asked about health and food habits etc. DH was making out we were perfect (we do eat healthily on the whole) but when I mentioned our weekly takeaway she looked much happier and said, 'oh right so you aren't healthy eating fanatics then' approvingly. It's becoming clearer and clearer she actively doesn't want perfect in  any areas (yay!) she wants flexible more.
I totally agree we the dancing days being over! Nice to be sure isn't it (mind I have ten years on you - have been sure for a v long time....)
I daren't look at any child related shopping yet (your getting scared and logging off made me chuckle) but am starting to gradually create space in cupboards etc at home for the future shopping - a low key start.
good luck with your next visit.
gettina x


----------



## Ally Wally

ooh lolly, the amazon wish list will change your life. also, are you into pinterest? it's a selection of online noticeboard/moodboards you can create for yourself with pictures and links to things you like or want to buy.  i already have one for the 'kiddywinks' and seriously..it's the best thing ever..it's like shopping without the mastercard bill at the end or the fear factor as i can soooo relate to that. 

am sure you finances will be fine. they were a bit casual with ours, they just took copies of statements to show we were in credit...we chose a good month with minimal amazon purchases ;-)

loving following your story.

xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi all  

Thank you guys so much for reassuring me and talking me down!!  My anxiety levels have gone a little out of wack at the moment as I think I am so scared that this will be taken away.  I think as it has been so many years in the making that I am trying to portray us as the perfect couple, but really, what is perfect anyway?!!  We have the capacity to parent, the love for a child and the ability to be able to keep them fed, watered and safe.  That is what this boils down to and so I am sure that there will be nothing to worry about.  But when you eat, sleep and breath adoption (as we all do!) it is hard not to let your mind work overtime sometimes  

Gettina, I am loving that my weekly takeaway may actually be applauded!!  Bless hubby for showing her the books!  Bet you were silently   in the corner!!  But shows his organisational skills and ability to plan and manage so can only be a good thing!  Keep with the cupboard clearing, you will have plenty to fill the gaps with soon!

Ally I will definitely be looking into pinterest, sounds like many of us have similar outlooks on buying bits this early so I bet others will enjoy looking too.  We are all online with our banking so not sure how it'll work.  She will either have a look on the online statement and tick it off or we may have to do a printout while she is there.  They want the past 3 months (typical when skint after Christmas  ) but we are in credit and have our savings so sure it'll be fine. 

Emma, thanks hun, it is lovely to hear from you!  Were you as worried as you neared the end or is it just me?!!  How are things?  

Gwyneth, as ever you are a star!!  And as for the offer of an extra pair of painting hands, well you don't have to ask twice!!  Haha!  The pregnancy announcement did hurt and I think you hit the nail on the head when you say it is because some are given it so easily.  Married a year, wait until first anniversary and bam!  It is not that I am pining to be pregnant any more, it is that we have had to endure the journey.  We are not that close any more anyway so I can steer clear a bit more!

Well SW emailed yesterday to confirm contact numbers and asked us to let them know she will be contacting (already had but did again!)  Hopefully she will be ringing today/tomorrow to arrange the visits.  Eeeeek!  Poor DFs mum is scared of saying the wrong thing but she will be just fine.

Love to all, Lolly xxxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey 

I was so worried its only natural honey. 

Have you read my diary I've been dying to tell you  

Hugs xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

OMG girls, I have just reserved 4 (yes 4, we live in a townhouse!) stairgates at argos as they are holding a half price nursery sale. But do I go and buy them....?!!!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Do it hehe although we've just bought 2 from mothercare there the wooden anti trip ones for £15 each we bought them as its a bargain hehe xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ahhhhh, think I might you know!!!   that is a bargain hun!  I read your had found a pushchair too, which one did you go for hun? Isn't it scary and exciting all at once


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

I'd do it you will need them. 

We went for the mama's and papa's Luna buggy in lime green. 
Feel very over whelmed at the mo can't believe it's hopefully happening. 

His sw is coming a week Tuesday very nervous now the cleaning has started lol xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ah hun you will be fine, better than fine, you will be great! They chose you and there is a damn good reason why   But I agree, get cleaning and planning which biccies you will be offering


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I think get the stair gates you'll need them whatever so good buy x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I am an idiot to get mad at narrow minded ******** idiots but sadly I am. I am furious   I have a suggested post because of my Google searches for the DfE all about adoption. Someone had commented underneath that nature has rejected you and that is the only reason why people adopt. I can't even comment as everyone will the see our business, plus we want to stay anonymous   But my god I have the response planned in my head!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Spineless idiot and they know it that's why they are anonymous.  Clearly can't be an intelligent being making these comments I'm sorry people are so **** and also weird. Why actually comment am I the only person whose parents taught them if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. Preferably ever in that scumbags case  x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwww honey I get the adoption ones on my feed loads too and when I read the comments it's breaks my heart too. 
Some people are just idiots. 

Big hugs xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

It just annoys me no one would make a comment about single parents,  step families etv. We're just another version of normal. Can't believe people are so accepting of parents that abandon their children.  Yet judge people who do nothing but love.  Shows what is wrong with the world x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I am not upset really as that person does not deserve the satisfaction, just angry. Angry that people are just so ignorant, uneducated, rude, judgemental and selfish. Also annoyed at myself as I knew as I scrolled down there would be controversial comments so why did I do it?!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I have just spoken to my lovely friend, the one who adopted and then I later provided respite for because her birth son was born with lots of difficulties.  She gives me valuable incite into the process and some things to be considerate of when looking at profiles.  She recalled the moment she saw her daughters profile and described the picture attached in minute detail.  This is over 11 years ago and she said it is a moment she will never forget.  Was lump in throat moment.

But interestingly I learnt some new things, and things which would never be allowed today.  The main on was when she asked if we had thought of names.  I explained no and why keeping a child's name as far as possible is so important in terms of identity.  She said that when they adopted their SW told them to call their LO their birth name in front of foster carers but use the name they had picked when they took her on trips out to start phasing the old name out!  How confusing for her!  But i guess common practice back then.  She was also shocked about possibility of contact with birth family for a one of meet, but saw the value in in.  She said this is a big reason why names were changed back then, but also for anonymity from foster carers tracing.  I know it is not always the case but it is possible some contact may be maintained with FC, if only a Christmas card.

It was really intersting, I learn something new all the time.

On another note we are snowed in   But good TV, a cuppa and a cat on my lap, I'm feeling fine


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh please share the words of wisdom about matching and looking at profiles. Hope the roads are getting better by you and that you are ok getting to work tomorrow.   Crazy about the name changes didn't realise that only stopped so recently. I assumed that went out ages ago. 

Funny isn't it how much changes in what is in reality quite a short time period. Doing my half marathon on Sunday 7th April if your free and fancy cheering me on x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

SW is meeting DFs mum for a chat and then his sister today for our family reference. Just heard his mum has been baking... different quiches, cakes, has bought cheeses and picky bits. SW will be having a teatime buffet and will be put out when she is back with us next week and is offered a mere coffee!!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Sounds like MIL had a bit of a grilling about support network, type of child she could see in the family, how we support one another, things we will do within family life, our IVF, childcare experience. I didn't expect that much questioning as she is not a reference, just a meet and greet. But sounds to have gone fine and SIL having her interview now, eeek


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Love quiche if she has any spare tell her to send it my way. I am sure it went really well don't worry  . She was just probably worried and nervous to give the right impression that it felt like a grilling when it was more of a conversation. (I know I would be like that). 

I am sure SIL will do you proud she knows what she's doing. EEEEEK so close now x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi all  

Hope you are enjoying the Easter weekend.

We met up with S and BIL on Thursday, sounds as if it went as well as can be expected.  SIL works in a children's centre and was in her element taking about children and parenting!  She also promised SW she would enrol DF in a dads group   Can't see that one happening to be honerst, but you never know I guess...

I have come to the conclusion we will be at June panel.  SW is interviewing our second referee next week, but once interviewed the reports are written up, sent out for each reference to sign and then get sent back and included in the PAR.  Well if we are to be at May panel the PAR will need to be finished really soon to get it to us to approve, then submit to panel the month before.  This seems very rushed given we are April on Monday, and as our referees in the other area have still not had any contact, let alone got a date set for their interview I am pretty certain May is a no no.

I am surprisingly not disappointed (yet)  In a way I would love to get there, get it 'out the way' as I am getting quite anxious, but in the other breath what is a month?  This is the rest of our lives we are talking about.  It is another month to save, get things ready etc.  But then the worry is prolonged.  Pros and cons for both.  What will be will be I guess, but some official confirmation at final session on Thursday would be much appreciated!!!

Me and DF are trying to make the most of our couple time without breaking the bank.  Today we have been for a nice drive, had a pub lunch, a walk by the canal and even found an ice cream factory farm place.  We got out for a wander and saw a fab play area, ice cream parlour and farm animal and petting area.  We have that one stored in the memory bank for when we are parents, be lovely to take our LO there for a ride on the tractor


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So tomorrow is hopefully our last homestudy session.  All the documents are laid out on the coffee table (although naughty kitten keeps knocking them off!)  Family trees done, pet assessment done, home health and safety form ready to go, Ecomap done and all colour coded to say whether our support is practical, pre-planned practical, emotional, virtual (ie, you guys!!!  ) or professional.  

Only little worry is that DF is missing a payslip (hopefully if we show his wage on the bank statement we will be ok) and they want our P60s which won't be ready for 3 weeks.  But other than that everything is good to go.

For some reason I feel sick with nerves, maybe it is as she is meeting reference number 2 straight after, or maybe I am just terribly worried of falling at the last hurdle    I just hope we are good enough for them


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah  sweetie I  can imagine how stressful it must be so close yet so far  . You are both a million times more than good enough they will love you and all you have to offer. Your LO is waiting my love xx x


----------



## Sq9

Good luck for tomorrow. Sounds like you've got everything covered


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwwww sweetie you'll be fine don't worry. 

So happy your coming to the end of hs not long till panel  

Big hugs and well done xxxx


----------



## Primmer

Good luck for tomorrow


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

Have faith, you are going to do just fine!  Good luck and I really hope you get a good nights sleep xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

thanks everyone, you are all stars and your support is invaluable  

Wonder what SW will make of the bucket under the leaking boiler that decided to give up on us this evening   oh well, it's real life I suppose, as is the messy house as well have spent all night mopping the flood and calling our plumber friends  

Will let you know...


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

No-one can lie life without a boiler breakdown every now and again. Remember show the silver lining not the problem like you always tell me. 

Boiler - Such a relief it has broken now so we can get it sorted. Definitely won't be any issues this winter when LO is first placed with us, so pleased. 

House - Can't wait till the house looks like this from Lo's toys how exciting will that be  . 

Loads of hugs and positive vibes x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi everyone

I feel like all I do is whinge at the moment so I will start with the positive - and this is the big positive.... it went brilliantly    Silly me getting in knots over every little thing and all was fine (i'm sure all you rational people knew it would be!)  She literally went through everything and ticked it all off, told DF she would see his next payslip and our P60s when she brings our PAR next month, not a problem.  We finalised everything and she is still certain that we will be at panel next month.  SW said she will do a phone interview with our referee who is out of area so it isn't holding things up.  So panel hopefully in 6 weeks     She read through parts she has done for our PAR and also showed us some profiles     One really stood out to me, little lad 14months.... anyway, lets not run ahead of ourselves.  She is going to contact us when PAR is done to come out and show us, hopefully in a couple of weeks.

She then went to meet our second referee.  Sounds like it went well, we are meeting for coffee tomorrow (my treat of course) as she is dying to tell me!!

So the bad news... boiler still leaking everywhere and now I think I am getting an abscess    Been dosed up on painkillers and DFs strong anti inflammatories all day.  At one point at work I felt like I was floating and started talking a load of crap to my colleague.  Emergency dentist in the morning me thinks, boo  

But all in all a good day, mustn't grumble!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Whoooooooooo! 16th May it is ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh literally the most excited ever!!!!! You should ask about the little boy you never know it may have been a sneaky thing to see if any caught your eye (obviously only if DF feels the same.) 

Wish my bro was in the country he could sort your boiler no problem  . 

Hope the dentist goes well although your ramble to your colleague was probably hysterical so perhaps carry on with the concoction of pain killers  . Hope you feel better by the weekend for the wedding. 

Loads of love and hugs xx x xx x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awww honey panel will so be here told you it's a lucky day as its my birthday lol

Hope you feel better soon honey

Big hugs xxxxxxx

Ps I agree with gwyneth if you both felt something ask about him honey. Xxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well the weekend plans are out the window as I have an infected wisdom tooth which has spread nicely down my gum and jaw and into my neck   I am drugged up and in bed contemplating whether or not I am brave enough to take the letter the emergency dentist gave me along to my own dentists for further investigation   apparently the top wisdom tooth is also displaced so he thinks they both need to come out...  

Managed an hour with my friend earlier to feedback about the referee interview. She is a star and it all sounds to have gone well. Got home to find out DFs step brother had let us down big time and was not coming to fix the boiler as promised. No means of heating, washing or hot water, plus pain equalled a rather large meltdown on my part   I went to bed and when I woke DFs cousin and stepdad had done a temporary fix. They are brilliant and why they are classed as part of our support network and the unreliable stepbro on the other side is not   

Rant over!!

Hope everyone else is enjoying a sunny Saturday, much love to all


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwwww honey get well soon. 

I'm in sympathy with you I'm full of a cold and got bad earache :-( feeling sorry for myself. 

Hope you get things sorted soon. 

Hugs xxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for the sympathy Emma!  I am in at the dentist in 2 1/2 weeks for scans etc, so hopefully will get all this sorted asap!  Until then the antibiotics have worked a treat.  Can open my mouth, chew again and even got back to zumba last night after busy day.  Loving the drugs  

My friends at work caught me yesterday.  She knows and has been lovely about it all, asking to show interest, but with good gaps in between so she doesn't mash my head!!    She said she had a dream that me and DF turned up at her house and I went and found her upstairs.  She said she could hear crying and then DF appeared with our little boy, a baby called Daniel!!  I said that this could get freaky, you never know!!  Bless her, she then went on and talked a load of rubbish about when we are approved and get to look through what she describes somewhat as 'the big book of adopted children' and take our pick    She then said she was working with a little boy who is being placed for adoption in the school down the road - how ideal and it is so close    She means well, and not having a go as if you haven't been through the process then why would you know....


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Bless it's all well intentioned I am sure but people think weird things don't they. Especially when you work in our sector. I am also quite convinced that people don't really actually listen they hear what they think you're saying not what you actually say. Someone was talking to me about the positives of having the children's holidays with my job - I said obviously it would be a positive for someone with children but for me it's a negative right now me and DH can't choose when to go away and in the hols I'm often lonely as everyone is busy. I'd rather have the money of working 52 weeks and be able to choose my time off. 

They then said well that's only short term by Christmas you'll have children to take the holidays with - Erm I've said multiple times the time scales involved in adoption and that realistically we are working to August 2014. Never mind I just smiled. As you say no-one gets it even if you tell them. 

Glad the drugs are kicking in my lovely speak soon x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So big step tonight... we have arranged to spend a few hours with DF's friends and their 18 month old on Sunday!!  We haven't seen them since baby was 8 weeks as it was just too hard at that time (mid IVF cycles) and somehow it was easier to let things drift.  Plus they had new baby and were mega busy anyway.  We have all spoken on ******** etc a few times and she asked my opinions on nurseries in the area, but thats all.  I don't think it is the 'children thing' at all, I mean I work with them everyday!  It is them knowing that they had what we wanted so badly - of course the families I work with don't know our circumstances, so its a lot easier.  Plus you are not emotionally involved in the same way.  Also they are still close with DFs ex-partner who now has a baby and I could almost forsee that that would come up in conversation somewhere and I would have just died inside.  Because if he had stayed with the ex it is likely it would have been his baby if you know what I mean.  I am very certain I am over all that now, although ex talk would always be uncomfortable so I hope they show some respect on that front.

Anyway, DF was very sweet.  His friends said LO is shy with new people.  DF told him not to worry at all, that I am great with children and would have him playing is no time!  So sweet he has such faith, I hope I don't make him cry now or something dreadful!!  I know he is confident about adoption as I work with children, but it doesn't always work that way!

DF was saying it will be nice to get back in touch properly as when our LO comes home they are likely to be similar in age and so we can all go out topgether.  Very sweet of him.

Bless his friend, I know he will ask some crazy inappropriate questions but with the sweetest meaning behind.  I mean when I had an operation once he asked what for.  I told him I had a cyst removed from my ovary.  He asked what an ovary was and his wife shushed him and said 'lady bits'    So not sure what his perception of the adoption process is but I do know he told DF tonight that he thinks our LOs will be friends.  Super cute!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwww your df is very sweet honey. 

You'll do fab on Sunday I know it  you'll have the lo playing and running around it will be so lovely. 

Hugs xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well our friends and their little lad have just left.... I WANT ONE!!!!  Scrap that, I need one    I was very rude and practically ignored his parents favouring repeated singing of 'twinkle twinkle' and playing peek-a-boo behind the curtains        I have smeary hand stains on the window from when we looked for birds and nose prints on the patio doors from when we waved bye bye to the cars.  I hope with all my heart that I am doing that with our LO soon, I swear I would want for nothing else.

Love Lolly xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad you had a good day.  Not long to panel now. Then the Lo hunt will truly begin. I'll send DH with his CWW magazines to read profiles to you. He's good at vetting and understanding what the phrases really mean. It's been a weekend of catching up with others for us both.  Will have to catch up soon x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today I email SW and asked her if panel would be May as we will need to sort time off with our works. This is true however was more of a plea to give me some info!!   her reply was 'panel date for May is 16th, I'm still working on your PAR though'. Now if that doesn't smack of June panel then I don't know what does   oh I just wanna know  

I then emailed my boss enquiring whether there was any leave allocation for panel or if I had to use annual leave... now I can guess what the answer will be but who knows, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised  

See me being all negative tonight


----------



## Wyxie

Hi Lolly, exciting times.  

The second time we went to panel our PAR was completed about 3 days before panel (it was rushed in as we were going back for a particular child who was available, and our SW had very little time to do it), so it is possible.  The first time round it was only completed about 3 weeks before hand iirc.

Fingers crossed for the panel date, but yes, you're right to be prepared for it to be bumped back, less disappointment if it happens then.  

It may or may not work, but when I applied to adopt, I spoke to my employers and asked as I would have got ante-natal appointments off if pregnant, would I also get time off for SW appointments, and they said yes of course!  You never know unless you ask!


----------



## Ally Wally

Ah Lolly, you sound soo like me. Our panel date is 15th May but I too am already preparing myself for yet another delay as our sw seems quite behind on the paperwork. She still hasn't replied to my email I sent 10 days ago!

My boss said that once we were approved, we could have any time off for appoitments as an allocation (same as maternity appointments) but only once we were approved. everything before then is annual leave. sounds fair but it would be nice for once to be able to use annual leave for holidays rather than appointments ;-)

hang in there...


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awe honey our par was finished only a few days before the deadline don't worry I'm sure she'll do it. 

I'm panicing now as paperwork for mp has to be in by the 30th so as not to delay that. 

Don't worry she'll do it. 

Big hugs xxxxxx

Ps I had to take annual leave for both panels. 

Xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for the encouragement guys!!

I feel a bit of a grump now as goodness, you have all had things to contend with along the way and so my whinge seems silly really.  What's an extra month hey....  

Ally, wow, 10 days, that is poor.  I hope that you hear soon and you get to panel on 15th.  Imagine, if I do get to panel in May mine is only the day after yours!!  Fingers crossed it'll be a good week huh?!! 

Awww Emma i'm sure it will be done, everyone is so supportive of this match and they know baby boy needs to be with his mummy and daddy so no one will want any delays  

Thanks Wyx, it is reassuring to hear from an experienced adopter and maybe we still have time to get our PAR done yet.  But like you say maybe best air on the side of caution as then less upset.  It is a little annoying in a way as all the way through we thought it would be June.  Then SW said that she thought we had flown through and it would easily be done in time for May.  Wish she never said anything    Oh well!!  

So I spoke to my manager.....     I will be allowed half a day of paid leave      I will bump it up to a full day and maybe even the day after as if we are successful          we may treat ourselves to a lil drink that evening.  Whenever that may be!!

SW emailed today asking a question so she is obviously working hard on our PAR.  Watch this space ladies!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You can be cautious and I'll be positive and excited for May that way there are positive thoughts and vibes out there and they don't have to be yours. The none ending road of waiting is frustrating and you have every right to whinge. (Think how much pregnant women whine after their due date and you'll realise that you are not a whinge at all.)  

I really believe there is time yet hunny and it is far from too late. If it gets close I'll offer to go and help SW get it written. I'm really quick at typing and know a lot about you   . (Wish I could  ). 

If you need a moan you know where I am x x


----------



## Wyxie

-x-Lolly-x- said:


> I feel a bit of a grump now as goodness, you have all had things to contend with along the way and so my whinge seems silly really. What's an extra month hey....


It's an extra month, all the extra time is hard, mostly because it's entirely out of our control and that's hard because that's a large part of what I think a lot of people want to get away from when they make the decision to stop fertility treatment. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting, while everyone else seems to get what they want so easily. Waiting has always been the hardest thing for me, waiting and not knowing!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Gwyneth, as ever you are a star! And have a fab way with words, bet you could get it sorted   Thanks hun, means a lot  

Wyx you are right in all you say. Waiting is so frustrating but I can deal with it so much better if I know what I am waiting for/working towards. I would rather wait until June but know what is happening than maybe be going to panel next month but maybe not. That might sound bad but I like to be organised and pre plan where I can. I feel out of control right now. I rationalise and think that the days are booked out in my diary, DFs work are pretty flexible, all is ready our end so what difference does it make. But I keep coming back to I JUST WANNA KNOW!!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So I had an email from SW today with a list of questions on.... working on our PAR on a Sunday afternoon.... can't fault her persistence to get us to panel next month!!

Also B and SIL had the write up of their reference interview through.  She naughtily read it to DF on the phone and he was chuffed to bits with it!  Said it sounded really good.  Also final referee has her telephone interview tomorrow.  Maybe we will get to May panel.....


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

* Afterthought *  

Maybe she is so behind she is having to work weekends......


----------



## Wyxie

It's good that she's working on things at the weekend, and that she's willing to.  Our SW has been available to us on the phone whenever we have needed her, and although I have never taken advantage on that, there have been a couple of occasions when that's been in the evening at the weekend and once when she was on holiday (although I didn't know it, and it wasn't until the next week I found out, she just answered and had a chat).  

Glad to hear that things are going forwards.  I imagine if she's busy at the weekend with your work, it's because she's planning to get it done in time for the earlier date - fingers all crossed for you!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

What wonderful SW you have had Wyxie, we have been lucky with ours too, speaking of which.....

DF just had a phone call from said SW...  She has one week from today to submit our PAR in order to make May panel!!  She has emailed a couple of questions (which I have already replied too and sent!) and plans to finish it in the next couple of days.  Then it is emailed to us and we need to read, alter and sign.  In the meantime she is contacting our final referee today by phone and will write that report up (not sure if she has to sign it or not).  All being well (slightly ambitious?  ) it will be done within the week and we will be on for May 16th.  DF did tell her that if it had to be June then we understood.  SW told him she didn't want to miss the deadline for the sake of an extra couple of days and is determined it will be done..... yikes!!  So IF this all gets done in time panel will be 3 weeks Thursday..... and BREATHE


----------



## Wyxie

Sounds very promising!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh very excited most excited ever x x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I actually feel so sick right now girls!    I don't think it's helping that I am 400 miles away from DF, I need a cuddle and him to tell me it'll all be ok    I am literally churning inside and I don't know why I'm so scared.  I have been waiting for this for so many years!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah sweetie   I know its not the same as a hug from DF or any real person.  It is terrifying but you will be approved with a huge yes and you will be amazing parents.  Plus I will baby sit if you need me I am a cool baby sitter.  Loads of love and hugs  x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ok when reading lovely posts like that makes me blub like a baby I know i'm getting a little overwhelmed!!  Thank you hunny, you are a star as ever    You will be the best babysitter, I have images of coming back to you doing handprints across the patio or something    Actually that'll be me.....!!!

I just spoke to referee number three... she said the phone interview was quick and painless!  Basically SW read out her written statement and questioned a couple of bits and then said anything to declare, nope, fab!!    Simple  

Can't wait to get back to DF now, got a looooong journey tomorrow but it'll be worth it.  Next time I come back home to parents I will hopefully be approved and can tell some of my friends here.  Crazy thought


----------



## Sq9

Super exciting. Have fingers and toes crossed it will all be done on time and from the sound of it sw pulling out all the stops to make sure it is


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Check out my ticker ladies!!!!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May panel here you come x x x x x x x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wahoo not long now honey xxxxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Our PAR is being emailed across tomorrow!  We then have 3 days to read, amend, leave our feedback before sending back.  Our SW has then pledged to work on it from home all day Sunday to get it in on Monday, aka, deadline day!!!  Wow, cutting it fine!!!

She started reading bits to me on the phone today.  It is awkward when someone is saying nice things about you, your relationship and lifestyle, but was super nice and flattering.  Very excited to see it


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

You'll do it honey I know you will ;-) xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

PAR was emailed at 9.30 this morning!! Can't wait to read it with DF later, the wait is killing me


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh it would me I'd be having a sly read couldn't help myself


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Read the first 3 pages before feeling guilty


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ha ha knew you'd crack your so like me   Don't worry I won't tell next time I see DF. How long is it ?


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Haha, couldn't resist   its 63 pages, but will be bigger once submitted as that will also include our ecomap, 6 references, family trees, pet assessment, home health and safety check and our feedback! Probably will be around 85 pages in total   It is a lovely reflection of our lives, families, values and hopes for our child and future   we have altered a few bits and have to change some more tomorrow, but it's pretty insignificant stuff and all in all she has done a fab job


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Knew she would.  Glad it's only minor changes x x


----------



## Ally Wally

Lolly, reading this puts my faith back in the system. I am so impressed she is working weekends to finish it. We have not been so lucky, our SW just cancelled our panel for May as she is behind on paperwork :-( Don't get me wrong, she has been a gem all along but because they had delayed us once already, i think she put us on the backburner this time and time caught up with her. 

Anyhoo...i'm rooting for you on the 16th 

Ally x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh no Ally, I'm really sorry to hear that   It must be disappointing as well as frustrating. After two delays I hope that you are now very much on the 'frontburner' and fly through June panel. Thank you for your support  

So we have read through everything and are very happy with the work that has gone in to our report. There is one line in the vulnerabilities section about having not parented before. So again, happy with that as not exactly a criticism   I Skyped my brother in Ireland and he is really excited for us. He was laughing when I read him some childhood bits, like when we used to play teachers and I used to boss him around  

Decided as it's payday I will be treating myself to a new panel outfit, happy days


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh so exciting panel shopping ekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!! Text a picture when you find something xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Our social worker is a gem   She just rang to confirm a small point and let us know she has edited our report and it is now complete and will be sent first thing in the morning   She will be in touch to let us know what time panel will be. Starting to get terrified now


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## Mummy DIY Diva

That's amazing what great news. So glad she has got it sorted and shown so much commitment to sorting everything on time, it bodes well for a quick and successful match x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wahoo fab news honey. 

Roll on 16th may  

We should hear Tuesday if ours made deadline. Our sw did everything our end in plenty of time so we should be ok. 

Big hugs xxxx


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## Frangipanii

Big big yay x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks guys!!! I am excited and scared and impatient and nervous and happy and uncertain all at once!!

On a grumpy note one of my friends who knows our news and hasn't really made much of it is now gushing about someones 12 week pregnancy announcement


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Challenge her on it. Not in an aggressive way just observationaly say you've noticed the difference in how she's treating you and the other friend and want to get to the bottom of it. It may be that she doesn't know what to say or it may be general uneducatedness. Either way she's got to get on board or get out. Quote from a book I bought for family and friends perhaps she should borrow it x x


----------



## Frangipanii

I havr zero tolerance for people who see being a birth mum differntly to being an adopted mum. Zero.
Give her a chance and if she doesnt show her worth then be done with her. Your life is going to be so rich soon that you will not have time for people who are not worthy! x. x


----------



## Wyxie

It's sad isn't it, that somehow you're less of a Mother when you adopt.  In reality you have to be so much more of one, although often it doesn't feel like it.

I was so lucky that almost all of my work colleagues were incredibly supportive of us trying to get a family through adoption.  Some I think just said the right thing, but at least they made the effort to (to be fair, that's all I can say I was doing about pregnancies for the last long time, and generally as briefly as possible) but a couple of the girls I worked with were so incredibly positive about what we were doing it really, really helped, and when I went on adoption leave to be honest they did more for me than they had for a lot of girls having babies, because they knew how long I'd waited to have our family.  I am very sad in a lot of ways that I've had to leave but hoping they'll take me back part time in a few years time!

Family were more varied, mine were luke warm, my husband's were very enthusiastic.

Overall though I have to say I've tried not to make waves with people, which isn't really like me I guess, because it always seems to bounce on, and I can get on with people if I make an effort and didn't want my in general less than awesomeness in social situations to effect Wyxling.  I just quietly lost touch with some or stopped talking to them much.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Now that we have started sharing the news a bit more widely, I've also noticed people's muted reactions. In my case, I believe it is a combination of things.

1) they didn't know anything about our infertility journey
2) because of (1) they expected me to say we we're pregnant 
3) Hand-stitched dad and I are not gushing when we share the news. 

I've decided to give people a 'get out of awkward silences free' card for hearing the news for the first time. After that, it is their decision how they get to know our plans to have a family. I expect it will be easier when it is an actual child I'm sharing the news about. At, least that's what experienced adopters have told me!

I'm not sure I personally would confront them on this issue (for above reasons), but it sounds like you feel hurt by this. So, I hope they get their heads out of the sand and share your excitement about this next step!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks all   I think I can be quite naive sometimes and just think that people will read my excitement and react accordingly. Of course in the real  world things don't work that way and it hurts. And I haven't got a scan picture to share!!!   I really hope that things will be different going forward once it's more 'real'. This is a cop out but in all honesty I don't feel it am able to confront her now, I am so drained! I will continue to hope for the best and cry in the corner at people's ignorance   Luckily this has been quite rare for us so for that I'm very grateful. Love to you all


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy




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## Frangipanii

love to you Lolly. Chin up (not in a patronising way), panel is only days away! Nothing in life is plain sailing unfortunately but at least we can vent together!!!!!
big hugs. xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I don't blame you hun you've had loads on plus zooming all over the place for various events. You don't need no drama (in the words of whatever pop icon sings that tune.)


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh god Gwyneth I don't even know, I'm way too old these days!!   I must admit that this is the hardest part for me. We are just sitting waiting for panel and with each passing day I am more scared. I really didn't think I would be. I think work being so so busy is not helping though to be honest. Distraction is good but feeling overwhelmed is not. Have my supervision next week so think I gotta start telling them this is all pretty unmanageable. What will they do without me when I go on adoption leave eh?!!!!      Joking, honestly my head is not that big!!

Thanks for the hugs Emma, sometimes we need them more than we know. And Frangi you are so so right, I don't know what I'd do without my adoption friends, the ones who you can say anything to and just get it. Don't know what I would do without you all


----------



## Wyxie

Sending big hugs your way.  Nothing wrong with virtual hugs.

If it's any consolation, which it probably isn't, I was absolutely all over the place in the weeks leading up to approval panel.  It was just awful.  From the second opinion meeting through to panel I was a complete mess.  I absolutely would not stand for anyone saying "it'll all be OK" because at the end of the day they didn't know that, and so many people had said that to us when we were trying to have a biological child.  They were wrong then, and I couldn't rule out that they were wrong again.  I knew of course that our SW would never have let us go to panel if she didn't think we would be approved, but there's always that chance that things will go wrong, so no celebrations planned until after the fact for us!

I found that if I started with "I'm going to be a Mum" and followed it up with the details quickly before anyone had time to say anything inappropriate, rather than starting with "we're going to adopt", I got more positive responses, especially from people who didn't know about our infertility issues.  I think there are people for whom adoption isn't the same as being a "real mum", and therefore they don't know how to respond, which is incredibly sad, but there are also people who maybe didn't know about our attempts to have children, or that we had made the decision to stop trying, who will instantly understand that there's a huge amount of sadness implicit in the statement as well, and perhaps they also don't know how to respond.  I also just hope that people pick up on my tone and excitement and take their queue from that, but sometimes a bit of a shove in the right direction is needed.


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wahoo only 2 weeks to go   

Have you got your time yet? Xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Wyxie, that is good advice and it is great to hear that my feelings surrounding panel are not uncommon.  I thought I would be excited and in part I am, but equally I just cannot relax    I am not thinking rationally!!  I don't think we will be shown the door but it is not a certainty (nothing is) so I just feel unsettled at this point.  And the fact we haven't yet been given a time is also playing on my mind (so no not yet Emma  )  I mean if it is going to happen so soon then surely we need to know pretty soon.  DF was going to ring SW today but got called into a meeting so couldn't.  But SW has been great thus far and so UI feel that if she knew we would have received an email by now.  More waiting I guess   

I really do hope that it's May as I have had to book a full clinic on the day June panel is!!  DF is telling me not to be silly, all is submitted and of course it'll be May!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

It will be may honey don't worry they just take there time with giving you a time. 

I felt exactly the same as you did so I emailed sw and she said she would contact lo's sw after the weekend for the panel time and low and behold she emailed me the time that afternoon. 
Call them Monday honey. 

Big hugs xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You will be fine for May. You'll get your time soon I'm sure. Try and relax when ever you get the chance.  It must be so hard my love all the waiting and putting your life in others hands x x


----------



## Ally Wally

aah lolly..totally totally understand how you are feeling...we have a new date for panel now (29th may) and i should be happpy and excited but like you i feel unsettled. i'm awake at 5am .... i mean who does that on a bank holiday weekend!! good practice for little ones i guess ;-)... yours will definately happen on the 16th as they have submitted all the paperwork and from what i have read, the arrangments (time etc) are always a last minute thing. contact them on tuesday if you can....just say you need to know a time to arrange time off from work or something or just tell the truth and say you want to know.

what i keep trying to remind myself is that this waiting is the easy part as we are working towards a set date. it's the waiting for a link/match that is going to be the killer. fun times. ;-)


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Ally, so glad that you have a date and it is so near. Maybe start a ticket like me and that way you can have a look each day and quietly freak out a bit more like me   Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not totally   and all this is a normal reaction. Also you echo what I have heard from many others, times are always last minute so it's good to know we haven't just been forgotten   I stupidly think I may be ok once   approved as then it's no longer and 'if', but deep down it'll know that'll be the hardest part by far   oh well, one step at a time!! Hope you are making the most of your super long days, reckon an afternoon nap may be in order  

Off in a bit to meet the lovely Gwyneth for giant hot chocolates and to put the world to rights!!   so best jump in the shower!

Love to all


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Can't wait best walk the dog so he sleeps while I'm gone. Sunday is not a good day for him because he is terrified of church bells   we have no idea why bless him. See you shortly x x x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

10 sleeps   xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

is that all?!!!!  

( )


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Whoo so close x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yep not long now honey arghhhhhh. 

So excited for you. Into single figure sleeps from tomorrow  xxxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

9 sleeps  xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Today DF rang SW who confirmed panel is definitely next week and we should be receiving our official letter and time in the next couple of days. She couldn't tell us any info as it is not her who sends the letters out, it comes from an external source. But she did promise to let us know if she hears anything. I hope we get our letter tomorrow!!   I wanna know already!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wahoo fab news honey


----------



## Wyxie

Wonderful that things are working out for the earlier panel date, very pleased for you!  Here's hoping for a short wait afterwards.

Hope you're all well.  Hubby is off this week and we're having a bit of a busy week between one thing and another.


----------



## Ally Wally

yippedee-doo  it'll be in writing soon...hang in there..any day now with their second class post system. is it just me or does anyone else feel that this whole process could be speeded up just by switching to first class postage ;-)


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So true ally   

Thanks lovely ladies! I'm feeling a little more settled in the sense that I know it's next week for certain, now just gotta get the time and all sorted... except what the hell to wear!!!   went and had a look in a few shops Monday and ended up with a lovely new maxi dress, somehow I don't think overly appropriate, very nice though!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

8 sleeps  xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Who needs a ticker when I have an Emma


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

I'll be back in the morning  lol xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Let me know if you want to go shopping / outfit advice at the weekend x x


----------



## Wyxie

Lolly, I think it's nice to get a new outfit, and it shows you're making the effort, but don't worry about it too much.

Our first approval panel I had the norovirus, it started literally, just as I was leaving the house to go, and my husband kept telling everyone I was just nervous.  Honestly, I've never been so physically sick in my life.  I realised after we got back in the car to go home that I'd managed to get just a little bit of sick on the back of my skirt at some point, between being sick out the car door on the way there - something I have never in my life done before - and in the toilets while we were there.  I never even noticed, it was all I could do to stay upright while we were in panel.  Anyway, if I can get approved with sick on my skirt, I'm pretty sure there's not too much to stress about.

Still nice to get a new outfit.

Incidentally, at our first matching panel, I wore the same skirt, and managed to brush past some gloss paint in our newly painted spare room on the way out the house, which I didn't notice until we got there.

The next time we went to panel for approval, I wore jeans.


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

7 sleeps  xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh wyx you've totally calmed me down, if you can get through panel like that (you poor poor thing) then what to wear is certainly not important! Although would love a new outfit   would love a girls shopping trip gwyneth but at a wedding this weekend, think I  will have to nip to town in a lunch break. If all else fails I'll dig something out I'm sure  

So big news, panel and million percent officially happening a week today and our time is 11.45!! Ideal time, miss push hour, can have breakfast and not have to get up at crazy o'clock but also not late enough for me to get mega crazy worked up. Happy   oh, and terrified!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Brilliant so glad. Have a fab time at the wedding x x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wahoo fantastic news so happy for you. Xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Good post today, no bills, no junk mail, just (another!!) wedding invite and our invite to panel


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Sorry had a lie in today lol 

6 sleeps  xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

you deserve one hun (as long as it doesn't happen again  )


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Lol trying to get my sleep in now while I can haha. 

Xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Give it a few weeks and you'll have forgotten what sleep is!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

And I can't wait   

Be you soon honey xxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

5 sleeps  xxx


----------



## crazyspaniel

No lie in today Emma?!    
How's the wardrobe plans going Lolly?! Xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Haha, she's a good 'un   although only 5 sleeps  

Well I do think I may have lost the plot crazyspaniel   as yesterday I saw a cardigan with little white bicycles on and thought Ooooh, that'd be good!!!   it had been an extremely long day and luckily I came to in time to realise it was a rubbish idea and I needed to get a grip   so still no idea!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Not today crazy spaniel lol too excited were going away for the weekend our last weekend away as a 2  xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh have a lovely time Emma.  The bicycles sound interesting?  You'll be fine worst case scenario I'll get you from work Tuesday or Wednesday and take you to the Trafford Centre x z x


----------



## crazyspaniel

Ha ha Lolly!  So next there's what to wear when Los sw visits, what to wear to meet FCs, what to wear for mp, ....what to wear to meet LO for first time!!! Xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh my god, having palpitations now!!!   one step at a time me thinks...!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

4 sleeps  xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Really unsettled today   the build up is killing me, I am tired and have started with a cold. I have a red nose. Today I replied to our social workers email confirming panel. I have admitted I am nervous (in a cool, calm, toned down way) and hope for a nice reassuring email back!!! Maybe I am expecting too much, but I can hope. It's all got a bit stressful of late and reading others sad news makes it quite clear that nothing is guaranteed. I just have to hope we have done enough. I swear I couldn't have given any more.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

It's totally understandable to be nervous. We are nervous because we care . I am always here so give me a ring or a text if you need anything x x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

3 sleeps  

Big hugs xxxxx


----------



## Wyxie

Of course you're nervous.  Not long now.  I hope you've planned some rest time in for after approval panel.  Plus a little celebration of course.

Hugs, Wyxie xx


----------



## Frangipanii

I am nervous for you!!!! Obviously you'll be fine!!! So exciting!!!!!!! yay x x x


----------



## Sq9

Not long to go now. Very exciting and nerve wracking at the same time


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Eeeaaaakkkk 2 more sleeps  xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I can't believe we are at the 'not tomorrow but the next day' stage    Really scared now!  My main concern at present is that I will go in and sneeze at all the panel members, or blind them with my bright red nose!!    Damn you germs!!    Hopefully over the worst bit now though.  Stupidly went to zumba last night (nearly killed me!!) as i'm trying to 'carry on as normal'.  But inside I don't feel normal.  I feel churned up and have permanent butterflies!  It is crazy to think that years of TTC, fertility testing, treatments, illness, heartache, prep training days, home visits, homework sheets, research, family discussion, planning, hope have all lead to this one point.... Hurry up Thursday!     for good news


----------



## Frangipanii

if I had a time machine I would fast forward it for you. x x x. x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So I have an outfit!  It is a peachy/pinky dress with little black and white hearts.  I thought I would wear it with a black cardi (I have a long one but just bought a short one as think it'll go better), thick tights and heels.  This is the deal.... I look young.  I am not quite 5 ft 2 (although always round up!!) and am a size 8.  I am relatively young but look younger.  I want to wear heels to give me some height as flats would make me look about 12.  I just don't want to look like I am going on a night out (not that I would wear this on a night out!)  I have flats, heels and mega heels, not much in the way of 'medium'!!  I think I need to try it all on!  I don't want to buy shoes as well.  Car tax and MOT is next week so gotta be sensible.  I just want to look ok, and like me.  And that dress is something I would wear again.  Formal get up/power suit is not, but wanted to look 'nice'.  Oh heck..... least its better than the bicycles  

Oh god, it's nearly here


----------



## Sq9

Sounds perfect.  And you can never have too many pairs of shoes......!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Eeek I love it   and it goes well with the heels in had in mind. They are chunky so don't look high like a stiletto might. Happy. But obviously still terrified!!!!  

Oh my god, what shall I do with my hair...?!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

You'll be perfect honey don't worry you'll look beautiful whatever you wear. 

Eeeaaaakkkkk not long now and then you'll be sat here like I am now putting pictures into the talking tomy photo album very soon haha xxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omggggggg 1 more sleep  xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Sounds great to me. Hair down with a little bit pinned to the side or just straight down. Hair up looks younger me thinks. Sending loads of hugs   x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So phone call and voicemail from an unknown number sends me into blind panic mode   turns out it was the supplier from a load of hen party props I have ordered for my friend   panic over and breathe!!!  

Thanks girls, you keep me sane (ish!!!)


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Rude!!!! How dare they ring today of all days  . You will be wonderful tomorrow with your perfect height shoes. x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I know!!!!   and to tell me that the purple leg warmers I ordered her were out of stock so have had to go neon green instead, how bloomin' rude!!!!


----------



## Wyxie

I hope everything goes smoothly.  

Not long now, and you can relax for a little while.


----------



## Sq9

Good luck  . Try and get some sleep!! Xx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Ill be thinking of you tomorrow honey ( and checking here every 5 seconds haha) 

You'll be amazing I know it  xxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omg omg omg the day is here. 

Try not to get too stressed honey you'll be amazing 
I'm thinking of you lots and can't wait to hear your big fat yes!!!!! 

Lots of love 

Xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Loads of love to you two.  Can't wait to hear good news x x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks my lovelies! I actually slept well but woke up with the alarm shaking! Still shaking now!! OMG OMG its P-day


----------



## Ally Wally

i can't bear this any longer....any news


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Yes yes yes YES!!!!!!!!!!!!      

Unanimous yes from the 10 strong panel.  Got asked three questions, SW a further four.  Whole thing done and dusted in 20 minutes!!!!  Crazy!!  The chair came and spoke to us beforehand to calm us down, run through the questions and let us know that there was a positive feeling in the panel room about us.

Soooooo happy!!!!!!!  

Thank you lovely ladies for the amazing support, couldn't have done it without you


----------



## Wyxie

Wonderful, wonderful news.  I'm so very pleased for you.  I hope you can relax and celebrate now, knowing you will be a Mummy, it's just a matter of when


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Wahoo massive congratulations mummy in waiting. 

So so happy for you. 

Big hugs xxx


----------



## flickJ

^jumpin

Go Lolly!!! I am so,so happy for you, thats wonderful news


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Amazing news write down the questions I want to know what they ask x x


----------



## Frangipanii

super news. So so pleased for you...many excellent congratulations!!!!  x x x


----------



## Ally Wally

Whoopeeeeeeeee! I also wanna know the questions ;-)


----------



## Sq9

Whoop whoop! Congratulations     fabulous news xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you everyone!! After all the nervous build up it was a very positive experience and we are just so happy!  Have had a great day, had cocktails, then were joined by DFs family for a lovely meal. Came home and had a three way skype chat with my mum, dad and brother. We have had amazing support from friends too, my best friend was in tears and we had so many lovely messages. Have been very lucky. Now we chill, we wait, and we paint the nursery!!!!  

Ok, the questions were had we enjoyed the process and what had we learnt?  What the plans were for me returning to work and childcare arrangements.  And why we had decided to proceed with our agency having previously contacted and had an initial interview with another.  So all pretty standard.  Our SW was asked why she felt we had capacity to parent two but had decided to be approved with one child, clarify an ex-partner and a referee who had the same name were not infact the same person (errrrr, no  ), whether she felt we were able to ask for help in times of crisis, and again confirm our reasons for proceeding with our VA.

It was so quick, they were so nice and we are so made up


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Just want to tell you all what a lovely friend Gwyneth has become to me.  This morning I was surprised by a beautiful calla lily basket and card that made me cry as it was about watching the flowers grow as our family does.  I am so touched and so thankful to this site for letting me get to know her, allowing us to share our stories, support each other and enjoy looooong chats over hot chocolates    I also love that DF and her hubby seem to get along well and have similar outlooks and opinions during their 'man chats'.  I know the men can often get overlooked in all this so it is great that they can be open with one another and understand those feeling from the male perspective.

It is a sunny day, we are off work and we are approved to adopt.  The world is good today (except for the fact I need to clean but we'll overlook that one for now....  )

Lolly xxxxxx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

I'm so glad it went well and you have a lovely friend to share this journey with!


----------



## Ally Wally

aaah gwyneth rocks! what a lovely idea....even making me tearful. thanks for the details on the questions lolly....they were really helpful although i'm starting to stress a bit now. less than 2 weeks away. eek!

enjoy every minute....you're a mummy to be xx


----------



## flickJ

Oh, how thoughtful - what a good friend Gwyneth is  , how fortunate you are to have such a good friend to help you through the exciting process you have been through and have yet to come


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah bless you that's so sweet. You are very welcome you and DF are great friends and a source of information for us  . Can't wait to catch up over lunch tomorrow hope you enjoyed your walk and chilled out day. Soooooooooooooooo excited for when you get a match   it's really soon x x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwwww that's so lovely. I'm made some wonderful friends through here don't know what I'd do without them  xxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Happy Saturday everyone, hope you are all enjoying despite the rain  

Have had a lovely long lunch with Gwyneth and her hubs, but now I literally am popping out of my jeans!  

I feel so relaxed and happy at the moment.  I think its a combination of the stress of approval having been lifted, the new excitement for our future family life, and the fact that I have enjoyed some real quality time with DF.  Life has been so hectic of late and its been nice to step back and actually be together.  He has been working weekends due to a big work contract, and last weekend I went to a wedding while he was away with BIL, so we hardly saw each other again!  Soon we have more stag dos and hen weekends (why so many 2013 weddings?!  ) and then his golf trip away    I feel like we haven't been a 'couple' of late, and anytime we did spend together was consumed with worry of panel.  Now that we have let it go we have had a great couple of days just spending time together.  I know it won't last as life is far too manic for my liking at the moment, but this down time is just what we needed.  Will be gutted when reality hits again on Monday morning, but until then I am enjoying it!!  

Love to you all!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Looking at pushchairs


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

-x-Lolly-x- said:


> Looking at pushchairs


Hoorah!!!!  xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh very exciting I love push chairs think I could become an addict lol start hiding them in the garage or something x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

My DF is cute! A pregnancy test advert came on tv, the type that 'let you know how far along you are weeks before your scan'. Next an ovulation kit advert came on TV, the type that 'maximise your chances of getting pregnant'. All these adverts the type that used to make me cry, angry, depressed. All was quiet til he piped up 'well we don't need any of that stuff cos we are already having a baby!' Love him


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwww that is so cute bless him. 

Yay to looking at pushchairs I loved looking for ours hehe 


Xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Yay can't wait x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today we have been invited to an adoption open day event with the aim of matching children waiting to approved families.  Wow    that happened quick!  I think that as our paperwork gets put onto the systems we are included in mailing lists.  But I do think this is a little soon and would like to see whether our SW has any possible links over the coming weeks first.  Also it is very short notice (as our details are only now going 'live') and is a work day so we wouldn't be able to attend anyway.  But regardless this proves that things are going on behind the scenes. Just waiting for our official approval letter now, there is a space on my fridge where it will take pride of place, surrounded by my Purple Ronnie magnets


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Exciting to know that our area is proactive though good sign for the future x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Official 'yes letter' signed, sealed, delivered and stuck on my fridge


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Yeah great news all official x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

And now we wait...


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hopefully not too long honey  xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Fingers crossed for good news very soon. Once all the weddings are done   x x


----------



## Iced_Sliced79

Love the feeling when you receive that letter!!!  I laminated mine straight away & put it in the fridge too.  

Hope you get a match soon xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ooooh I love a good laminate!!!  Although knowing me I'd get it jammed or something    Maybe a plastic wallet will do for now  

Thanks, me too, although like Gwyneth said gotta get wedding season outta the way first   My friend would literally have a meltdown if I bail on her before the big day on mummy duties (bridesmaid for my sins....!)

Like I said before, have an amazing day tomorrow, I hope it's just magical for you both   xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So I have our consent forms so they will be signed and posted this morning so that our details are added to the local consortium and national register (although they will try to place from consortium as one of their aims is to keep 'local children' with 'local adopters)  I am excited but realistic that we may be in for a wait.  In one way that is frustrating but in another it will give us time to get weddings, weekends away and holidays done, plan, paint, buy and save.  So all in all what will be will be and right now I hink that our LO will find us when the time is right.  I may well be saying very different things in a few weeks!!!


----------



## Frangipanii

How exciting Lolly, reading with excited anticipation!!!!! And wishing you a speedy link!! X x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Let me know when you need a paint hand. I'm around this weekend but away next. That's as far in advance as I plan


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks hun!!  I will be sure to call you when (WHEN) we decide to get on with it.  You see DF wants to help too, but everythime I mention it he gets a bit stressed (work is crazy for him at the moment as you know).  I think its hard as he really wants to do it too but working each weekend is getting a bit much    And we are running out of weekends where we are together... next weekend he is away, then my brother is coming over, then he has a works do, then I am away for a hen do, then my parents are up, then he is on a golf trip, then a wedding, then our hols and another wedding    In all honesty it is TOO much and we have agreed if we get a possible link then we will have to drop some things to get organised.  If not we will try and all get this madness out the way and then knuckle down to getting the house ready.  Really only needs a lick of paint so shouldn't be too bad (I hope!!)  

In one way I am glad for the distractions over next few weeks as waiting is never the easiest thing, but equally I have never expoerienced a year as busy as this and I do think we need some down time.  Each day as it comes I suppose.  Who knows what may or may not happen.....


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Stupidly excited about our new baby monitor   £90 down to £35, how I love a bargain!! DFs stepmum has given us a cotbed so hoping to get that soon, although can't get rid of double bed just yet, my bro wouldn't be happy!! But as soon as he goes its no longer spare room, it'll be the nursery


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

-x-Lolly-x- said:


> Stupidly excited about our new baby monitor  £90 down to £35, how I love a bargain!! DFs stepmum has given us a cotbed so hoping to get that soon, although can't get rid of double bed just yet, my bro wouldn't be happy!! But as soon as he goes its no longer spare room, it'll be the nursery


Where from? Where from


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Teehee!! Argos have a great half price sale on, and randomly I got a free £10 voucher the other day for being a loyal O2 customer! Very happy with my purchase!!


----------



## Wyxie

Hmmm, looking for a cheap 2nd baby monitor atm.  I will use the one Wyxling's got for Bladelet, as that's really good, but wouldn't mind a cheap one just so I can hear any major mischief going on in Wyxling's room still!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Can imagine you tuning in and Wyxling playing dolls, dressing up, bouncing on the bed and peeping on her new baby brother


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Just bought a Tomy talking album and am ridiculously excited!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

There so much fun that's what we used. It's so funny recording the voices lol xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Very exciting I hate the sound of my voice recorded it will stress me out  so much to hear lol x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Haha, me too   We were doing a run through last night, 'hello I'm mummy', 'and I'm daddy', 'and this is your bedroom' etc. Sounded so unnatural and that's without it recorded!! Yikes


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

What a funny thought you and DF practicing your lines   Would have loved to be a fly on the wall x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well since approval I have told a few more people of our wishes to adopt.  I have been extremely lucky that everyone has been overwhelmingly positive and so happy for us.  Only the one 'brave' comment ( ) which got the standard answer!!  But it was all meant in a nice way.  But now I am getting the 'any news yet?' questions   Its only been 2 1/2 weeks    Although if people don't know how the system works then approval = find a 'baby' and go!!  It's not bothering me yet, maybe if there is no news a few months in it might.  This is why I was reluctant to say, but other inappropriate baby and marriage questions were worse, so chose to share.  I'm still glad that I did, but if we do get any news I won't be telling them until it's all official.  Family and extremely close friends only.  Oh, and you girls, but that goes without saying.  Limbo land is strange, but i'm happy.  Happy we are approved, happy we can start buying some bits, happy it will happen.  Just hope this mood stays the further down the line we get.

Love to you all


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I am very sure there won't be a huge amount more time down the line.  So far you haven't been up on a22 I'm sure as soon people realise you are out there they will be running to your door lots of love x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ahhh thanks lovely!  Watch this space I guess.... in the meantime it's wedding season to keep me good and busy (and skint..... good grief  )


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Geez tell me about it.  Other people getting married costs a fortune lol x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Selfish people


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I think of you most every day,
You're in my dreams as I sleep and pray.
My heart is filled with so much love,
Wishing brightly to the stars above.
I hope our wait won't be too long,
To sing for you a lullaby song.
I know that when the time is right,
You'll enter our lives with great delight.


----------



## Sq9

Ah, that's beautiful.  Lo is making their way to you now


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Love it x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Just had a spending spree on early learning centre online as there is 20% off baby and toddler toys! Just generic stuff like bricks, a garage, shape sorter etc. It's free next day delivery too so guess what I'll be doing tomorrow night


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ekk so fun and exciting.  It's a good idea to spread the costs out a  bit and get some stuff now


----------



## Ally Wally

damn you....yawn....i am so tired today as was up late last night window shopping on the early learning sale! what fun ;-)


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

good times huh?!! Our delivery arrived today, can't wait to open it late (my treat after kettlebells!!) Why not look at Galt too,ffree delivery on orders over £20!! Such fun   How are things with you anyway Ally?


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Enjoy playing with all the toys x x x x


----------



## Ally Wally

ooh galt....a new one to explore. i'm good thanks...just in limbo land waiting for a match. such a weird feeling...like a pregnancy without a due date, only i get to drink :-D


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Haha, snap!!!    It is odd isn't it after the 'process' and living from one SW visit to the next, gearing up for panel date etc, to, well, nothing    I hope we both get some news soon, but until then I am going to make the most of my 'pregnancy' by having fun, catching up with friends and having a few drinks this summer.... oh goodness, that just sounds wrong!!   

Ps..... gotta stop buying toys


----------



## Ally Wally

hehehe...i've taken up knitting...!...incredibly therapeutic and good for the soul. however,  have just bought a book on how to knit baby and toddler blankets and am worryingly excited about it ;-)


----------



## Wyxie

Hehe, me too (about the knitting).


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Opening an email with shaking hands, looking at a little face and thinking 'could this be my child....?'  Surreal!!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omg lolly, how did it go? How do you feel? Xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva




----------



## Sq9

. Xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I feel like it could be!! But trying to keep calm


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You're being amazing as always x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I'm not inside, haha!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Not surprised just got a text off you while posting this. Got everything crossed for you x x


----------



## Wyxie

Everything crossed that this one works out, Lolly.  When will you know more?


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone!! Well we have told SW that yes we would like some more info so hopefully will get CPR soon. Not sure of timescales or anything and to be honest, while everything looks good so far the information is limited so we are staying calm. Hope for an email from social worker tomorrow, even if just to acknowledge our interest and give next steps.   all reads well!


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

So exciting, keeping fingers crossed for you! xxx


----------



## Frangipanii

Fingers crossed!! Very very excitin time for you!!!! Ah ah excitement bubbles for Lolly!!!!x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So social worker has replied and said other couples may well be viewing profile, so very right to be cautious. She is requesting full CPR and little ones SW has all our details. I guess if it's meant to be it will be.   for some clarity soon!!! Yikes, this bit is so very hard


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

Keeping everything crossed!  We were told once we'd already kinda got our hopes up that there was another couple interested, but luckily they were nowhere near as good a match so they were discounted and we were the only couple put forward to the matching meeting, but it's a really hard time!  xx


----------



## flickJ

Good luck Lolly, the waiting must be so hard but your so close now,


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So hard when you just want answers    it all works out for you my lovely  x x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone    Eugh, waiting is hard    I have no idea of the time scales here, but had hoped to get CPR this week.  It's the VAs panel day today so think SW will be busy with that, and then it's Friday again.  I was fine until this and now im impatient, anxious, cautious, excited, worried, pretty manic actually..... plus hormonal, gah!!!  I know our SW will give us info as soon as she has it, it's waiting on the other side.  there is also the possibility (likelihood) LOs profile has been seen by others who are registering an interest, so I know this may well not come to anything.  I hate not knowing!!    If I knew I would have to wait a week, then so be it, I'll wait and be happy enough with that because at least I know!

I was texting Gwyneth yesterday (she is very lovely you know  ) and told her my friend at work is 6 weeks pregnant, got pregnant a matter of days after coming off the pill.  She is lovely and I am happy for her.  I am not craving to be pregnant, not really upset or jealous like I used to be.  I'm just a little brain boggled by the fact we tried for years, YEARS, and nothing and others can get pregnant at the drop of the hat.  I am so excited to adopt, but we have gone to great lengths to prove we are worthy to be parents whereas others make their own choices and ping, it is as easy as that.  The process just confuses me sometimes.  She has a due date and we don't, that's hard.  I think I need a rule today, no checking emails every 10 minutes, I think 2 hour intervals is ok though


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi honey, 

The waiting is awful honey. Hope you get CPR soon sweetie. 

Big hugs.

Ps sleep now while you can coz believe me it stops lol wouldn't change him for the world tho  

Xxxxxxx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Oo, I am jealous! HSDad is desperate to buy Lego, but if we did he wouldn't be able to resist playing with it! I can't imagine the anticipation and frustration and excitement and fear and longing that must build in the months before you are matched. Shopping is a good distraction!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva




----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi everyone  

Thanks for the support!

HSmum, the toys are fab!!  I keep peeking in the box, but am loath to unpack any just yet as I will never get everything back in the boxes!!  We love Lego too!  Me and my brother grew up with the stuff coming out of our ears    My mum kept it all and it's currently gathering dust in her loft.  I'm hoping that it is shared with our LO sometime soon.  Expensive stuff but worth it!!

So SW emailed today.  She has LOs CPR and has raised a few issues.  In a way it's disappointing she is concerned about a couple of points, we wanted it to be 'perfect'    but this LO is in care for a reason, and realistically we know there will be many issues with any child we adopt.  In another way it is great she is raising these as it helps us to see whether we are the right parents for this child.  From reading her summary we are thinking she doesn't, but maybe we are reading into things too much,.  She knows us well and understands what we can handle so we really value her opinion.  having said all that she is sending us the CPR, amongst a few other profiles she thinks may be possibilities.  I am now wondering what 'a few' entails, 2, 3, more  they are coming by post so sadly we will have to wait (I want to read them now!!!)  I am already scared that we won't find 'the one'.  DF says that if we don't then we don't and our LO is still waiting to be found.  However I already know I will be upset if we don't.  I don't want this feeling to sway my judgement though.  It is blowing my mind!!!  I guess we sit back and we wait some more....


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwwww honey it's so hard but you WILL find your perfect lo soon I promise. 

Hang in there sweetie it's so worth it. 

Everything we've been through to get lo has just faded and it was so worth it. 

Big hugs xxxxxx


----------



## Sq9

.  It is mind blowing but your lo is out there making their way to you in their own time xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Another update.... it's all happening at the moment!  SW rang DF.  She really has concerns about LOs CPR and how it will impact his development.  We really respect her decision and have decided that we won't continue with this LO.  It is sad but the right thing to do.  I feel guilty and then annoyed at myself as of course I shouldn't feel guilty, this is the right thing for everyone.  We are awaiting some profiles in the post of other LOs, but DF got the feeling that these may not be ones to persue either, although he may be wrong.  He said SW mentioned a baby that she is trying to contact SW about, and kept going back to the subject of baby.  I wish she hadn't mentioned it as again, still early early days and I don't want to pin hopes on something that is possibly never meant to be.  She also said there were two good links but too close so we are discounted.  Wish she hadn't said that too!!  I think she wants to reflect that she is actively doing all she can, but we believe that!  She is doing a home visit in July, but doesn't want us discouraged if there is no news.  It's all swimming around my mind at 100 miles an hour.  I was happily plodding along until this profile on Monday and since then it's all snowballed.  But in a mashed up confusing way.  We are no more in the know than a week ago.  She is a brilliant SW and I know we will find our LO, just not sure when.  DF said that we will wait as long as it takes for the right match which is of course true.  She is very happy we are not jumping in feet first at the first profile we see as she has worried I might apparently!  I'm not an idiot, I have a massive desire to be a mum but I won't try and make a possible link work if it is not the right thing to do.  

More confusion, more waiting.....  Oh well, little brother is staying this weekend so that'll take my mind off things.  Can't wait to see him, it's been forever.  Love to you all xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

SW has just sent ANOTHER profile through.  It's all a bit much


----------



## Frangipanii

Overwhelming isnt it!!! I am finding it hard going!!!! And it is tough reading!!! Fingers crossed the LO is with you soon!! X x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

The profiles have arrived in the post. That's 7 this week, all under 2 years and also social worker is enquiring about a baby that she seems keen on. We have enquired about one and then sadly said no and think we will ask for further information on two of those we have seen this evening. We will wait and see what social worker says about little baby. This has been the craziest week of my life


----------



## Wyxie

Sounds like an awful lot to take in.  I hope you find your child soon.

Take care,

Wyxie


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Must be so much to think about hope your brothers visit well and truly distracts you babe. Good luck working through it all x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwwww honey I know exactly how you feel, it breaks your heart saying no and you feel really guilty but try not too they will find a forever mummy and daddy. 
Your lo is out there honey you just have to find them or they will find you like our lo did. 

Big big hugs xxxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Ps if you ever need a chat just inbox me  xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi all

Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine!

I just wanted to update my journal on the past week.  It has been madness!!  I am actually feeling quite down as I write this and slightly annoyed that our emotions are being toyed with.  Our SW is being great in actively finding profiles for us, like I said 7 in the past week!!  But the couple we have enquired for more information about have both had significant difficulties that we had outlined within HS that we would not be able to accept.  SW did not know the information as didn’t have CPR of either of the children when she sent us profiles.  But I think she should have.  I think that profiles read brilliantly and make the children sounds to be just perfect for us and our family life.  You look at the picture, recite the name in your head and think about the very maybe possibility that they may be your child.  Then the disappointment hits when the issues are revealed.  Don’t get me wrong, I know all CPR’s will highlight issues and we have said what we will be able to cope with.  But these two LOs have needs that fall into our ‘no’ category, so I feel we should never have been sent their profiles as now all I feel is upset and guilty.

I know that our LO is out there and we will wait as long as it takes.  I just hoped one of these may have been.  I think we will talk to SW and tell her we don’t like this approach.  Hopefully the past week has shown her further what type of children we are attracted too, and would have perused if medical needs were not so significant.  The description of their personalities, likes and dislikes and currently lifestyles etc was spot on.

This is incredibly hard!  We will go back to limbo land, waiting for news.  I know it’ll come, just not sure when.

Love Lolly


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So hard hun x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I wrote that late morning and since then we have had 3 emails, a telephone call and 5 more profiles from SW.  I can't get over this, but in all honestly while it was a dream we would have many profiles, I am finding it very hard.  I don't want to pin anything on any of those gorgeous little faces after past experience, yet I want to be grateful and hopeful we are being considered and we may be looking at our baby.  It is a crazy journey and right now I don't know whether I'm coming or going.  I need a holiday!!!    

(honestly hope I don't sound ungrateful, I really really am, just very emotional time... how am I meant to work with all this going on?!!!  )


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You don't sound ungrateful at all hun. It's so much to consider and take in. So many worries and issues to consider x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

It's so very hard honey and once you go on the database that's it you get loads our sw was still getting approached about us after we'd been linked to lo. 
It is hard when you get so many at once you just want to shout slow down but then your scared you'll miss the ONE. 

Thinking of you and if you need me you know where I am  

Lo is snoring now so I get to do the ironing wahoo.... Not lol. Xxxx


----------



## Frangipanii

Thinking about you Lolly! I thought having patience to get to panel was the hard bit but reading the profiles is exhausting
And awful!!! Hope it find your flower soon!! Lots of love x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone, so good to find likeminded souls!!  We looked through all the profiles that have been sent today again and sent SW an email with our thoughts.  Watch this space I suppose, it's one day at a time at the moment.  All we can do is hope, but my heart is closed at the moment as I am so scared of us getting hurt    Will keep you posted ladies


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Mixed day. Lovely time with Gwyneth talking all things adoption! She really looked after me and is such a good friend. Thanks fertility friends!! Today made me think about little ones we have enquired about a lot. Also never know 6 hours pass so quick  

Then came home to awful news that a colleague passed away this afternoon   it was expected but very very sudden. Called a few people and we had a cry together. She was a brave and strong lady  

DF is home soon and I am looking forward to a quiet night in and a cuddle.  

Love to you all


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So sorry but at least her suffering is over.  Hope DF was home quick


----------



## Frangipanii

I am so so sorry for your loss! How awfully devastating for you!! Many many sympathies! I hope u find some solace in the peace your friend will find.
I do hope u find your little one soon and grieve peacefully!
Much love 
Frangipanii
X x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

So sorry honey. 

Sending big hugs xxxxxx


----------



## Guest

So sorry to hear what a hard day you had - so sad to hear about your colleague.

Love and hugs xxxxxx


----------



## Sq9

So sorry to hear that lolly


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone, you are all so lovely!    It was a difficult day at work yesterday as when you are back in the place she always was, walking past her office and seeing people who shared their love for her, well, the tears come    But we also had some laughs thinking of better times.  There was some upset between a few members of the team (which I stayed away from) as her voice is the answer machine message and some thought it should be removed out of respect while others felt it was erasing her memory.  I can see both points and I know it is all fueled by grief.  everyone is dealing with things in different ways and I think it is too raw to be thinking of anything like that just yet.  The funeral is next week so we are hoping they will honour the time so we can all go and pay our respects.  It is so surreal that it was only 3 weeks ago we were laughing and joking in the staff room  

On the adoption front.... well not much    We are still waiting to hear back from SW about LOs we have requested more information on.  She wants the children's SWs to read our PAR and then if they like us she will vet the CPR before sending.  says it avoids disappointment, but if it's a no then we will of course be disappointed regardless.  I guess we just won't have invested as much.  We are really trying to withdraw from them to protect ourselves, but who am I kidding, it'll hurt a lot.  Anyway, watch this space.  SW said back end of this week so i';m not expecting news, but we can hope can't we....


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Sooooo....  we have two social workers that want to meet with us and have the CPRs of two little ones!  The plan is to look together over a takeaway tea later and write down all our thoughts and feeling to feed back to our SW tomorrow.  DF has had a brief look and says only has positive feelings.  I can't open the god damn email as i'm at work and the system won't allow!!!  Ahhhhh    I hope that one of these is our LO    SW says that she has questions (of course) but wouldn't have forwarded them if overly concerned and didn't think they were potentially a good link.  Oh my goodness, I am so nervous!!  One holds quite a big family resemblance and the other has a very strange detail within birth family history that may be 'a sign'?!!! Aaaaand breatheeeeee.......


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omg lolly I have everything crossed xxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So we have said we would like to meet a LOs SW    But our SW is running prep training for the next two days so we are back to waiting for Friday and a response....  She also encouraged us to write done some questions which we have done already.  I can't believe this is real, my tummy hurts... think it's those pesky butterflies!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Social worker called us at lunch time. She is pleased we have had the gut feeling about one of the little ones as she did too and thinks this could be our baby!! When she is back in the office later she said she is going to try and sort a meeting out with little ones social worker and another professional who has been supporting the family. Once we know when it will be she will book in to come and see us so she can prepare us and discuss questions. She was really positive and we can tell when she is happy or not with a situation. And she is happy, and we are too


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Fantastic news so pleased xx x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

I hope this is the start of something BIG! :-D


----------



## Guest

That is so exciting Lolly - will cross everything for you xxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks so much for the well wishes everyone  

So i have news   our social worker is coming to see us Tuesday because little ones social worker and family finder are coming Thursday   Feeling nervous, excited, unsure, giddy and in love!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

5 sleeps x x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Really?!!! Is that all?!!!!   (thought the smilie was fitting somehow!  )


----------



## Sq9

Sooo exciting lolly.  Not long to go now


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today our SW came to visit.  She was 15 minutes early and was stood on the doorstep when I pulled up    But all in all we are so glad we had the session as it has really helped us to begin to prepare for Thursday.  She asked us some mock questions like why this child?  What challenges may we face?  What are we looking forward to?  What if the child didn't attach to us immediately?  Then supported us in preparing some answers.  We gave her our questions and her list was about five times as long    But a lot were what I had deemed more appropriate for foster carers like sleep pattern, routine, how well settled child is etc.  So now we feel almost ready but kind of more nervous!!    We have lots of notes so better get swotting!  

On Thursday SW is arriving about 45 minutes ahead of child's SW and family finder to help us calm down (she knows me too well  ) I didn't think she was coming, to which she replied "of course I am!" so I feel better about that.  We have rearranged our furniture so we are all face to face on Thursday and SW has advised nice biscuits!!  I asked what is the likelihood of things not proceeding and she said it can happen (was hoping for complete reassurance  ) but said as they sourced us above others (turns out the approached her, she knew nothing of littlie at that stage) she is hopeful.  Child's SW is off sick soon for an op, so we hop to be told whether things will proceed fairly quickly.  Good, I will need putting out of my misery either way  

During the whole of the adoption process I hadn't actually thought about this bit.  It is scary!!  I feel like we are being interviewed for a child.  It feels unnatural but I know it is necessary.  We need to come across well but not be too formal.  SW says just to be ourselves, but how can we be when we will be so nervous?!!  DF is used to business meetings so he is going to try and relax and be his usual chatty out of work self and i'm going to try and smile a lot!!  2 sleeps


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Very exciting honey, you have nothing to worry about I'm sure of it  
Sw will love you. 
Just be yourself you will relax once they are there the family
Finder said to me relax Emma she could see how nervous I was hehe. 

Good luck Thursday 

Big hugs xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I said to our SW I will be soooo nervous and did a weird hand flap thing! She said 'oooh yes, do that, it'll look more natural'?!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I always talk with my hands. They will expect you to be nervous so just accept that as part of the course. Glad your SW is staying with you that will help with asking questions etc. They will love you I am sure. If it was me I would just make sure the bedroom you would use looks reasonable. Obviously it won't be a nursery at this point because you don't have a child yet but also don't want it full of random stuff or acting as a storage space. That will be a task for us one of the spare rooms is DH's office   . Just declutter if it's a bit cluttered (which I doubt.) 

I know they will love you both. 1 sleep now hunny x x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Feeling sick, nervous, excited, apprehensive, scared, positive, negative....


----------



## flickJ

Best of luck, hun - just be yourself, you'll be marvellous


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Today is the day your dreams start to come true   x x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I'm going to be a mummy!!!!  To 8 month old pink!  They couldn't have been nicer or more positive.  We have booked a day of meetings to speak with foster carers, medical advisor and have a pre-panel meeting (we get the matching certificate that day!!!) Then panel September and she will be home end of September for good!  Oh my goodness, it really is what dreams are made of


----------



## Ally Wally

oh lolly....what wonderful wonderful news! super exciting times ahead xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So happy for you was crying when I got your text and misted up again reading this.  Blooming adoption brain I'm well emotional all the time . That's my excuse anyway   x x x


----------



## Frangipanii

AmZing news!!!! ♡ ♥ ♡ both going to be mummies in September!!!! Xxx


----------



## Sq9

Fabulous news lolly   xx


----------



## Wyxie

Wonderful news, so very pleased for you.


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

Congratulations! Wonderful news! xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone, you are all brilliant!  Your support as ever is invaluable  

I haven't slept well, I was too excited!  Too switched on thinking of all the things we had to do and buy.  Wishing that the car wasn't due a service and the TV hadn't broken as that money would buy us a nursery furniture set    Thinking about my family, how they are feeling?  About our baby girl, wondering what she was up to (hopefully sleeping!  )  How beautiful she is and how lucky we are.  About finishing work, wow, a whole year off being a mummy.  Just thinking.  And feeling like my life finally all makes sense.  We were meant to be parents to this little girl and that is why we had to endure the hardships we did.  It all has fallen into place and I haven't felt this content ever and not as genuinely happy as I do today for many many years.  Adoption works and it is the best thing we have ever done


----------



## flickJ

Oh Lolly, I'm so, so happy for you and your DP - you really are a perfect little family now


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Yay just yay x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks again ladies, you are all stars  

So yesterday we started buying bits and pieces, with the big purchase being the cotbed and mattress.  Also got some clothes and changing bits and shocked myself at the price of SMA.  Roll on the cows milk    My mum is up staying and I kept asking her whether buying all this was ok, or am I jinxing it all    She of course told me to stop being silly and enjoy it    SW rang which freaked me out a little, again, expecting the worst (what is wrong with me!!!  )  She was just checking we were doing ok, asked what family had made of LOs picture and explained she would be sending us a summary of the meeting we had one Thursday (the one where LO was described as the 'textbook baby'    )  Today we are off to sort shelving for the cupboard in LOs room.  My dad is doing it for me while they are here, what a relief, DF hates doing shelves!!  Also going to look at paint for the nursery, but think it'll end up cream.  We have ordered big wall stickers for the feature wall so want something neutral in the rest of the room.

LOs SW is off to see her today so   for more photos, she did say she would email some across!

I have been trying to work out when I will finish work.  MP is a Thursday so would I finish then or go in the Friday and then have the bulk of the next week off before we meet LO on the Friday?  DF has been trying to work out what leave he will be taking (never enough for the daddies  )  Luckily he will be working from home 2-3 days a week so he will join us for lunch and can tweak his hours so he is around for LOs dinner, bath, bed etc, and then do an extra hour after.  I guess we will see how it all works out.

Yesterday I told my great aunt, she cried bless her!  She looked at her little face and asked 'why did no one want her?'    I had to explain that she was wanted but that the birth parents were deemed unfit to parent safely and effectively and left it at that.  She said she can't wait until she come to play and proceeded to tell me all about the toys stashed under her chair!!

It's all still surreal!  Can't wait until 13th August when we will meet all involved with LO.  SW described it like a mini life appreciation day type set up, with a nice lunch in between!  Luckily between then my parents are here, we have (another!) wedding and will be seeing the lovely Gwyneth and hubs, so time should pass quite quickly.  When I think about it all my tummy flips!!


----------



## flickJ

Lolly - how perfect it all sounds, you must be bursting with pride  

By the sounds of things, 13 is certainly your lucky number (home study, matching panel, matched, final meeting) 

Do as your Mum says and enjoy yourself


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Flick!   Oooh, hope you are right and 13 is lucky for us!  LOs SW was trying all she could to have the meeting on another day but only day all were free!!    How are things progressing with you hun?  Are you still waiting to hear?  I imagine with the changes just coming into force things are all a bit up in the air...?

So today spent another small fortune.  This time it was mainly in B&Q.  we wanted a nursery furniture set but all the ones we liked and were in a realistic budget were either out of stock or had crazy long delivery dates.  So we have ordered a cot bed (the mattress came today, woohoo!) and have decided we will convert the walk in cupboard into a large wardrobe.  So we went to get shelving and brackets, a rail, and all the bits to fit it all in place.  My dad is doing it for us, what a star!!  We also got some paint for the nursery which my mum wants to do when I go back to work tomorrow.... ummm.... be my guest!!  Another star there!!

Have had a lovely few days off with friends and family in the sun.  Back to reality tomorrow, but hopefully not for long!!!!


----------



## crazyroychick

Just caught up on your news, yay so pleased for you! Fantastic xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

So very exciting Lolly!


----------



## juboo

I hope you dont mind me butting in but your story has really touched me and i can hear your excitement! DH and I go to approval panel in October and reading your story this evening has really re-focused for me why we are doing it, I am so excited for you! Sometimes it's so hard to see an end to it all (well a new beginning not an end but you know what I mean!).
I am now going to stalk everyhing you post from now on lol!!
Congratulations xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Loving wall stickers can't wait to see which ones you have chosen.   So excited to meet up and chat all things baby girl. Ekkkkkk x x x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks guys!!  

Juboo, thanks for stopping by, be sure to stick around    It is so easy to get caught up in the process, doing what SW tells us to do and plodding on from one visit to the next.  I hadn't really ever realistically thought about this point.  That might sound crazy but I could never imagine it, it always seemed so far away.  But the day came, I actually can't believe we are here and there is a real little person that we will love and parent, keep safe and help develop and grow.  It is an awesome responsibility, but something I am so elated to finally start to really consider.  I said to the lovely Emma that my heart is ready, my head may not be.  How can we ever be truly ready to be a parent?  How can anyone?  But we will learn, and do our very very best for our baby girl.

IVF nearly ruined me, adoption has rebuild what had previously crumbled.  And now it does all makes sense.  We were meant to be a mummy and daddy to this baby girl.  She needs us, but I think we need her even more


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah so beautiful   your baby girl is lucky to have two such amazing parents x x x


----------



## juboo

Crying!! Thank you!!! Adoption has given me the light at the end of the tunnel that IVF temporary blotted out!!! Roll on October!!!!
Cannot wait to follow the next part of your story xxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Such a lovely post honey. 
You'll be amazing parents to your beautiful girl. I'm so excited for you  

Hugs xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

My mum and dad went home today   and DF is away on a golf trip    Feeling a bit lonely, although have loads to do, just no motivation to do it!!    So all being well we will have started introductions this time in two months.  It still seems an age away, but when I break it all down we have busy weeks and plans for many of the weekends, plus a holiday and weddings to attend.  It should go quickly, and good things do come to those who wait.... I'm just not so good at waiting!!  

Also impatient for more pictures of LO, but know we are lucky at the likelihood of getting some more so should stop whinging I guess    3 weeks Tuesday until we meet all involved with LO and hopefully learn even more about our girl.  Can't wait!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Yaaaaay!!! Official confirmation of life appreciation day next month!!! 19 sleeps...

I am super excited


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Brilliant news x x


----------



## flickJ

I couldn't be more pleased for you, you deserve it so much


----------



## Billybeans

Lolly this is amazing news, I'm so excited for you. Can't wait to hear a bit more about your little girl. So do you think she will be home by end of September?


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies, we are so excited and know this little girl is just perfect. We hope we are perfect for her too. The dates for introductions starting is September 20th so   she should be home for good at the end of the month


----------



## Sq9

Fabulous news lolly. She'll be home with you before you know it


----------



## Smudgey

Hi Lolly , just been catching up on your story ...omg how exciting !!!!! We are just behind you in the process and go to panel in September , it's finally getting closer , we are hoping for a girl 0-3 , good luck with your meetings etc , am so pleased for you and hubs ) xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone!  Smudgey and SQ, you will be next, it's so exciting!  Home straight now girls  

So yesterday I had a little 'meltdown'    Good things don't happen to us and I think the feeling of being genuinely happy and content backfired.  So I convinced myself it would all crash down and got all upset and panicky!  I know, I know.... I am a total irrational nutter    i just think that knowing babies were a near impossibility at 21, and then numerous years of tests and treatment, loss and heartache still affect everyone deep down.... 'it always went wrong before, why won't it now?'  I get scared to love her too much in case she is taken away    But today I am picking myself back up and starting again.  We have LOs life appreciation day in 2 weeks and after that I think it will feel all the more real.  Me and DF don't have long left as a couple and I want to enjoy it, not mope around.  I think a big part of the problem is we are both exhausted from work and haven't really had any down time.  I have had leave but it has been travelling to friends and family to sort wedding arrangements for my best friend.  I have loved every second but it has been busy.  We have consciously tried to save leave for when our LO comes home, but it means neither of us has had a full week off all year.  Me and DF have our final holiday in just under 4 weeks and intend to eat out, drink in some lovely beer gardens (hopefully in the sunshine), have relaxing walks and just chill.  We can't wait


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah   hunny. I can imagine exactly how you are feeling.   It's so hard to trust isn't it. People say your being daft etc but they're the same people who told you IVF would work or they were sure a natural miracle would happen   . So they don't realise that their faith means nothing to us. 

Everything will be fine in a matter of weeks you will be sat at home with baby girl in your arms wondering how life ever worked without her x x x x x


----------



## Sq9

.  Sounds like your holiday will come at the right time for you both.  Take care of yourselves, enjoy your last few weeks as a twosome, and your little princess will be home before you know it


----------



## Frangipanii

You deserve this so much. It is your turn and your time! I think it is perfectly normal to have a melt down. U know me I have them often. Soon holiday time will be here and you will know so much more about your little one(u need a nickname) and you will have so much to discuss. Thinking of u love f x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone!! It's all very up and down and   me is still totally irrational. I keep wondering why we haven't been given times and venue confirmation for our day of meetings, have they changed their minds?!!   Then the more rational me thinks not to be so stupid, we only got approval panel confirmation the week before!!   That the date is confirmed so it is happening and no news is good news  

The good... i bought more bits for baby girl, I looked at her clothes and toys and it all felt real and exciting, it is nearly the weekend, my 3 new dresses arrived and we are another day closer to meeting our baby (can say next month now!!  )

The bad... a car reversed into me and I was crossing the zebra crossing at work, me and DF argued   (but all ok now), our neighbour rang me at work to say our kitty was stuck over his side of the fence (near the road  ) and couldn't get back (luckily DF was working from home, I have a headache and am still so scared!!

What a bag of emotions!!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

x x


----------



## Sq9




----------



## skyblu

Hi Lolly, Just seen your post. What you are going through is perfectly normal, I went through the exact same. You may find that you and DH will probely argue a bit more as you are so tense and worrying about every thing ( well DH and I did).
Please don't worry, everything will be fine and at the end of September you will be a mummy and you will all be a family.

Oh and CONGRATULATIONS.    

Skyblu.xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Skyblu, taking time to post and tell me i'm not going totally mental means a lot!    It is such a whirlwind, and a part of the process that no one can prepare you for at all!  So it is nice to know that I have not been the first and certainly won't be the last to be up one minute, down the next and constantly thinking of little pink all the time in between!  Worrying is what I do best, and I am sure you will vouch for the fact that it will continue, especially when you have a little one is climbing up the bookcase or when they are poorly and you can't make it better.  So for now I will try and relax a little, enjoy the time with DF (not much left just the two of us  ) and email SW on Monday for a sneaky update!!!    

Love to all as always


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Wow, lots has been happening in Lolly-land.... lots good, lots not so good, all incredibly emotional but each day is a step closer to our little pink and so for that I am super thankful!

We are majorly excited for our life appreciation day next week!  We are meeting medical advisor at a children's centre, and then have to rush across town to the LA offices to meet with the foster carer.  We have submitted a list of questions (only 24  ) and can't wait to find out all the answers.  Honestly, it feels like Christmas!!  6 sleeps, hurry up Tuesday!!!  

Today SW emailed us a 42 page report all about the birth family    No new information, but just more detail.  It made difficult reading, but opened our eyes a little more and obviously it is so important we have a holistic view of everything.  I feel an awful lot of empathy for the birth parents and remember back to prep and an adoptive mummy guest speaker saying she wanted to parent them too.  I understand what she means a little more today  

This weekend we are staying in and putting together the nursery.  I am really excited to see what it will look like, I have an imagine in my head but can't quite comprehend there being a nursery in OUR house yet!  

I think about our baby most moments of every single day.  DF told me this morning that this is the happiest he has ever been.  I feel like that, but equally it is the most anxious and terrified I have ever been!  I am a bundle of emotions, but mostly I'm full of love for our baby girl


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Your beautiful baby girl will be home forever soon. Enjoy putting your babies room together.  Glad DF is so excited and happy x x


----------



## gettina

Such exciting times lolly.  
Love hearing what 'the husbands' say now and again. 
Gettina x


----------



## Frangipanii

Lovely to catch up with your diary!!! I can feel the magic in your heart and tummy!!! Scary and lovely all at the same time!!! ♥


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

This weekend we created a fabulous pink nursery for our baby girl!  I love it and I love what it represents.  A little room for a little girl who will help us create our little family.  I never thought I would see the day.... a nursery in my house?  Oh my goodness, this means it's really happening!!   And only 2 sleeps until little pinks life appreciation day, we just can't wait!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Nursery is beautiful bet you're counting the minutes till tomorrow x


----------



## flickJ

Good luck tomorrow, Lolly - I do hope everything goes smoothly for you, you deserve every special, precious moment


----------



## skyblu

Your day is finally arriving, have a great day tomorrow Lolly and take plenty of pictures, they change so so so quick.

Shyblu.xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone   Skyblu, maybe I have bigged it up a bit much as we are not meeting little one tomorrow, it is life appreciation day!! Bet still mega excited!! Can you imagine what I'll be like when we do meet our little pink?!!  

Love and hugs to everyone


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Little pink updates here we come x x


----------



## flickJ

Lolly, enjoy today - everything you learn about "Little Pink" is so exciting and special


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Hope you learn lots and it goes well today.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks as ever lovely ladies  

Today has been brilliant! The medical advisor was lovely and called little pink perfect!! She gave us a fab summary of her development to date and had only seen her yesterday, so I told her I was jealous   little 9 month old pink is sitting, crawling, has excellent pincer grip, is transferring toys from one hand to the other and is pulling up to stand, with brief moments where she let's go and is free standing!! Clever girl!! She is using babble strings and is saying mama and dada! The MA sits on the matching panel and gave us an idea of the questions we will be asked. She also said she would be writing her final report and would send it to us along with two additional copies, one for GP and one for health visitor

Then we met with her foster carers, they were lovely, although obviously very attached to her as they spoke a lot about maintaining contact. They very kindly brought us lots of pictures and answered all our questions. They have made her a memory box which sounds lovely

We had the pre panel meeting where we went through all the paperwork, signed the parental responsibility documents, got matching certificates (with no dates on!) and went through a very rough plan for introductions. We learnt we are getting a £250 settling in grant and mileage pay, lovely little bonus!

We learnt she loves musical toys and will dance about, also that she likes labels and tags. So we have bought her a duck teddy which plays songs and has tags around each wing! It will be the toy we use in her talking album!

So final home visit 5th September before panel on the 12th.  So happy


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Wow she sounds super very advanced.  A dancing little pink is very cute. Maintaining contact will have to be decided based on little pinks best interests x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Our SW says no as she believes that for a child that young it is not in the LOs best interests but for the FC.  But they were so keen and the panel chair did mention we needed to do what feels appropriate for all involved.  I can foresee tricky times but we'll see what feels right at the time and play it by ear...


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

That's all anyone can do.  I guess the problem could be that you can't explain to little pink what is going on and she may get confused.  That said as you know I  pro fc contact.  Complicated isn't it x


----------



## Sq9

Sounds like you've had a fab day with lots of useful information. 5th sept will be here before you know it xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today I handed in my notice of leave!! I finish on 17th September, take annual leave for a couple of days, then through intros and start adoption leave on placement day which is 27th September   As we have a holiday coming up I only have 15 working days left!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Whoooooooooooo!


----------



## Frangipanii

How utterly exciting!!!! Xxxx


----------



## Sq9

Whoop whoop!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

APE paperwork completed and submitted.  Passed to the LA by our lovely SW... our bit is done!!  Now we wait (and make a Tomy album!  )


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

One step closer x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today we have decided on little pink's middle name   We have been going in circles with this since we were linked, with me liking certain ones and DF liking others, the only one we agreed on we ended up not being able to use as it apparently had another meaning   Anyway today DF said why not give her your middle name, that way she will always have a special connection to her mummy   So sweet!! We have also decided against changing the spelling of her name. So this way her first name is from her birth parents, her middle name from her mummy, and surname from her daddy. Sounds perfect to me


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva




----------



## Wyxie

So glad to hear things are going so well.  She sounds wonderful.

Maintaining contact is a tricky one.  We have no contact with Wyxling's f/c, although before she was placed I'd always planned to keep in touch with the f/c.  I had been leaning towards not keeping in touch with Bladelet's because of his young age and just to keep things between the children constant.  However, I have had a change of heart on that one.  They have been such a large part of his early life and have done so much with him, that I do think I will maintain contact with them.  I also feel that they will take the appropriate step back and I don't think they're trying to "hang on" to him in an inappropriate way.  I am confident they won't try to interfere with our parenting.  I could see us keeping in touch and even meeting up occasionally.  I know they keep in touch with several of the babies they have moved on previously, with only one who they haven't seen since.  They haven't in any way pushed us to keep in touch, which I find encouraging, although I am sure they would like to see him again.

But, I don't want it to effect him attaching to us or for it to be confusing.  We have our 6 week meet up in a couple of weeks which is happening a little late for various reasons, about 10 weeks in.  After that I don't plan to have Bladelet see them for at least 6 months, probably more like 12.  I'll send emails and photos in the meantime, but I want to make sure I'm sure he's properly settled with us before they're reintroduced.

I also feel that staying in contact with the foster carer will help both children to understand the role the foster carers played, especially as these foster carers will have further babies placed who will no doubt be involved in any contact.

Just as an extra anecdote, there were two couples on our prep group (second time adopters) who kept close contact with their first children's respective foster carers.  Both said that it worked well, and in fact we met one of the foster carers during the prep course who was amazing and had moved on a huge number of babies.  She had managed to keep in touch with all and make it work and said that being able to step back and accept that the foster child was loved, but only borrowed, was essential to make it work.  One of the couples (different foster carer) subsequently had another child placed from the same f/c as their first child.  Although contact had previously worked well, they had to stop it, as the foster carers simply couldn't let go of the second child.  She was clearly very special to them, and they simply couldn't take that step back and it was interfering with the relationship between the adoptive Mum and child.  I hope that makes sense.

I think what I'm trying to say, is keep an open mind to keeping in touch.  It just depends, sometimes it's a really positive relationship for children, when their birth parents have had very little to do with them, and can help with self esteem later on.  Sometimes, it just doesn't work.

Hope all goes well over the coming weeks, don't really get on to post much at the moment, but still come on here and read most of what people are up to.

Wyxie xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you for sharing Wyxie, contact with FC is a strange one as there aren't the same 'rules' there are for the birth family.  It would be an easier decision if both sides were not so adamant, FC about keeping in touch and our SW telling us this is bad, bad, bad    Ok, so she said it is our choice, and it is, but I know how strong her views on this are and I don't want her to think we have been irresponsible.  I know ultimately we will judge it as it comes, but I already feel in a difficult place with it.  The FC have done such an amazing job and have cared for little pink since she was only a few days old, I feel we owe them somehow.  But then others tell me that it is their job that they are paid to do and while we should be thankful our daughter had a great start, we actually don't owe them anything long term.  Oh it is so hard.... I am rubbish on the spot and hate disappointing anyone, but I am very aware I don't want to agree because I feel I should.  I want to agree because I feel it's the best thing for my daughter and family.  I guess we wait and see what happens in a few weeks time....


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Be honest and say you will maintain contact as long as it is in little pink's best interest and a positive thing for her. That way you aren't making false promises but you aren't making a big issue of saying you are not sure. x


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## Frangipanii

I am sure that with your wise head you will make the best decision.  Contact is tough but you have to do what feels right!!!! Love to you and thanks for you comments on my situation.  ( and yours Gywneth) xxx


----------



## Wyxie

Foster carers are doing a job, ultimately, but it is an incredibly difficult job which of course consumes their whole life.  I don't think there are many people who could take a child into their home, even temporarily, and not love them a huge amount.  I am absolutely sure I could never do what they do.  We've had two very different experiences with foster carers, and the difference it makes going forward is massive.  But, part of that role, and the love that foster carer's have for their children, is making sure they have the best possible future, in moving the child on and helping them to start bonding with their new family.  I think it's only right that we as adopters feel incredibly grateful to someone whose given our child so much, but that's for us as adults, not for our children. 

Ultimately, I think it will be obvious whether continued contact will be in your daughter's best interest, and I'm sure as Mummy you will do what's best for her.  I do think, though, that contact is more likely to work well if there is a significant gap.  Both sides need to let go, and move on, and your child needs to attach to you properly and maybe even forget their foster carers, in order for a more appropriate relationship, such as you may have with an aunt or uncle or family friend, to develop.  

I'm actually very open to the idea of contact between people who've been important in a child's life, unless it becomes clear that it's not good for the child.  I'm open to ongoing letterbox contact with birth family and I really hope that they take it up, and that we can meet with our children's birth Mum.  I'm very unsure how I will at some point in the future discuss with our daughter our poor relationship with her foster carer and why we no longer see her.  I'm worried that she will want to contact her foster carer if her brother still has contact with his.  I think it's something that an adolescent may struggle to understand.  I know that if we make the decision to keep in touch with our son's foster carer we're much more likely to have to have this conversation sooner than we would like to, and I'm unsure how I'll try and explain something so complex to a child.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

That's really tricky Wyxie, and I guess one of the complexities that comes to light when you have two children placed separately.  You are right, we will 100% do what we feel is best for our daughter, and if there is any face to face contact it will be much further down the line.  I really do wish that our SW didn't have such strong opinions on it all!!  I am hoping that as intros progress we will know one way or the other about what to do and what we see best.

Do you think there'll be a possibility of you meeting with birth parents?  We have agreed to a meeting if the birth mum would like to, and apparently she has just also agreed that it is something she would like to do.  It won't be until next year but it's nice that by that point we will be able to share how she is developing and hopefully offer some reassurances that LO is loved and cared for with all that we have.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

1 month today until I meet my little pink daughter for the first time


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## Smudgey

Oh gosh Lolly , it must be so exciting !! I'm getting very giddy now , can't wait for approval panel to be over ! Apparently our LA are matching very quickly ...! 
I don't think we are too far apart from what we discussed earlier in the process !


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Whoop an excuse for some more baby girl shopping me thinks x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Pay day on Friday and oh yes, I intend to  

Smudgey that's great news, everyone seems to be moving quickly after approval so it's encouraging. And super exciting!!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

People are odd.....    Today I got asked 'WHY' am I adopting?  This coming from a total stranger.... now what I should have done was go into all the ins and outs of my medical problems and made them feel really uncomfortable... but I didn't   I was a bit stumped and replied with the somewhat unwitty 'errrr, because I want a baby and can't have one'    She continued asking if I knew about my future child, 'ummm yes', oh so they have been born then, 'yes', why don't you just foster them then? 'Why don't you just  '  Of course I didn't say that and just explained that concurrency wasn't for me due to the risks attached.  But her 'FRIEND' did it that way... well i'm not your frickin' friend am I?!!    Seriously, where do people stop with the totally invasive and inappropriate questioning    Really annoying thing is I didn't and wouldn't have told her, some gob***** who I have already had words with did.  Not impressed


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## Mummy DIY Diva

People suck! I have decided my default response is - because we want to be parents and they need parents perfect match.  Then just repeat  with a confused look on your face till rude questions stop  x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Today my lovely friend at work bought little pink a funky coat from Next and mummy and daddy a bottle of champers... how lovely people can be!  After the idiot on Tuesday I am feeling happy with the world again


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Bet it looks perfect in her lovely wardrobe x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

28 sleeps until we meet our baby


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## Frangipanii

Same for us Lolly!!! Cant wait!!! I still have so much to buy and do it is unbelievable! Just little things like an extension lead for their bedside lamps. 
I am so happy reading about you excitement as it rekindles it for me. Thanks x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Mother care and early learning centres have sales on this weekend.  Been advertising on the radio all day thought you ladies might fancy a visit x


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## Wyxie

M&S have a sale on summer kids clothes too, if you want to pick anything up for next year.  Mothercare have a sale on summer stuff on their website, and all the new stuff in is buy one get one half price.  Got a couple of lovely dresses for Wyxling & some very cute dungarees for Bladelet.  I tend to buy the next year's clothes in the end of season sales - I like to get nice things but can't afford it any more I guess.  

I do love babies in dungarees.  Wyxling always looked utterly gorgeous in them too but I figured for potty training, they may not be ideal.  Baby ones have poppers on of course, but they don't do that when you're buying size 3-4.  Tescos have some cute baby boys stuff in for winter as well, and they normally do three packs of girls' t-shirts that are really good and very pretty.  I find Tescos clothes have worn and fitted a lot better than Asda on the whole.

Lovely to read about you both enjoying your nesting.  

Wyxie xx

P.S. I would definitely recommend you buy t-shirts with buttons or poppers on the neck for babies, they really hate having stuff pulled over their heads and when they start to move around, they'll make it hard work if you shove tight fitting stuff over them.  The necklines they have on vests with the slits are great on vests, but on t-shirts they just stretch them until the neckline is round their middle and they look awful.  Mind, a thick smearing of weetabix, snot, rusk, sick and dribble is definitely an acquired taste, so I guess it's all relative.

I'd also buy clothes a size big if their foster carers say they've got enough clothes.  I think it's easy to underestimate the comfort kids take from familiar things on placement, even little things like their clothes.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for the tips ladies, have got some stuff in sales for next year already   We went 12-18 months but apparently little pink is dinky so is only in 6-9 month clothes. Luckily my mum has rallied round and bought a load of 9-12 months stuff so we should be okay and next year is looking good  

Frangipani, so glad your hope and positivity is coming back. We really are intro buddies aren't we?!!  

Well we are off on our holidays tomorrow, fingers crossed this rain stops, I want sun and beer gardens please!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Have an amazing last holiday as a family of 2! Next time you will be listening to the wheels on the bus CD and constantly leaning into the back of the car trying to amuse little pink   . Bet you can't wait x  x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Nope I really cannot wait   although after hearing twinkle twinkle little star for the 10th time I may change my mind!


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## Billybeans

Have a fab holiday lolly - where are you going? I'm so pleased you are nearing the end of the adoption treadmill and you nearly have your daughter home. How wonderful


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi Billybeans, lovely to hear from you hun   We are currently in the Cotswolds, then down to Bath, Devon and then Cornwall as my best friend is getting married down there next weekend and I am lucky enough to be a bridesmaid   The day after we get home we have our social worker visiting just to check we are all prepared for panel. Then week after is panel, then week after we meet our baby girl. So happy. Finally happy  

Have heard on the grapevine MIL has bought loads for little pink and is coming round to surprise us when we get back. I'll act surprised, honest!


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## Frangipanii

happy holidays! xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Hi everyone  

Thought I'd update everyone as I haven't posted in a while!

So we are now 12 sleeps from panel and 20 away from meeting our little pink! We are putting together her talking album tomorrow as best we can while away. We have SW coming Wednesday to make sure we are all ok and prepared as best as possible. All go and we don't get home until Tuesday night!!  

My mum is so sweet. Little pinks picture is up on the fridge and the conservatory is full of toys. We also have a bag of 9-12 month clothes to take back. We took down the pictures foster carers had given us and they have already been scanned and printed  

Yesterday was my best friends wedding and it was lovely and pretty emotional! I had previously been a little hurt at her lack of adoption talk as we went through home study. But when we were approved she burst into tears and sent the loveliest card and gift. I think she just worried about another knock back after seeing us struggle over the years. But she is genuinely so excited for us and keeps calling me mummy  

Had a lovely holiday but think I'm ready for home now, cuddles with my little cat who I miss loads, and being closer to being a mum to the most precious baby girl in the world


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## flickJ

Oh Lolly, how fantastic you must feel    It really is such an exiting time for you, relax and take care of yourself - you will soon be a mummy!!!!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Wow, I am feeling so overwhelmed and lucky to have such wonderful family    Tonight DF's mum, stepdad, sister and her husband came round.  We, or should I say little pink, now has a walker, a large buggy toy, books, loads of bath toys, a musical book and phone, a cot mobiler, hooded towels, a peppa pig winter coat and glove set, a gilet, 3 pairs of trousers, 3 beautiful dress and top sets, 10 top and legging sets, tights, loads of vests and sleeps suits and a full set of Johnsons baby lotions and potions that will keep us going forever! I can't believe they have done it, we are so so grateful


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## Loobys

Congratulations on your match lolly, I haven't been on here much in past year, its 11 months since we become a family, you will enjoy every second  and I will pop back to see how intros are getting on


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks so much Loobys   Means a lot   Wow, nearly at the year mark, how brilliant, congratulations to your lovely little family  

Today we had our final visit! All went well, to be honest there wasn't too much to discuss. Just had a chat about panel, she checked we were feeling ok, had a look at our Tomy album and was happy with it. All pretty standard. All good. 8 sleeps


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Just about over a heavy cold and DF is coming down with it now   Hope it's gone before matching panel (5 sleeps!  ) I came to into two big bags of toys at work on Thursday! Everyone has been more than lovely and we are so blessed with our family and friends. Little pink is so loved already and she has no idea about us yet. Feels strange! This weekend we are doing lots of little bits like batteries in toys, constructing the mobile and walker, learning how to put the pushchair (which arrived yesterday) up and down etc!

I've had a really long lie in this morning! Figured why not, after next week I'm unlikely to ever get one again


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Definitely enjoy your last few lie ins x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I can't believe we are finally here,  matching panel eve!!   Please please please say yes, we need this little pink more than many people will ever know (I know you ladies understand  ) The 12th at 12 and then our future is decided and everything changes forever. After years waiting I can't believe it comes down to this


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

You ARE going to get a yes you will be little pinks mummy tomorrow  
Xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Tomorrow will go perfectly x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Thinking of you today sweetheart. 

Now go get your little girl xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Let the fun begin Mummy x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks lovely ladies   your support is second to none, you are both super stars and I am so grateful   Yikes, it's finally here, how'd that happen?!!   The butterflies in my tummy are waking up


----------



## crazyspaniel

Good luck today!!! Xx


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## Sq9

Good luck lolly. It will go like a dream I'm sure then your little pink will be on her way home


----------



## flickJ

Best of luck today, hun .......


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## Frangipanii

Thinking of you.....cant wait to hear some news! ..yay xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So they said yes!! All of them said yes, we are the right people to be our little pink's mummy and daddy and love her forever    I cried, little pinks SW cried, the FC cried, DF sneezed (poor poorly DF  ) and our SW gave me a massive hug and said we had cleared the final hurdle and she was so proud of us! We meet our baby girl in 8 sleeps, I can't believe it   We are so overwhelmed with happiness!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay congratulations mummy  xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Best day ever - well for till 8 days time


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you ladies   We got asked 4 questions which went fine and everyone was lovely. We have our intros plan and it looks intense, but that's intros for you! We wish it was this time next week, but I know this is our last week together so we need to make the most of time together. Just hope DF gets better quickly so he can enjoy it!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Remember questions for me you know I need to know x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Ok so questions were..

Why little pink?
What were we most looking forward to?
What did we think the biggest challenges would be?
Our PAR says we compliment each others personalities so they wanted us to explain

Pretty standard questions I'm guessing


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## Sq9

Amazing news    .  Enjoy your last week as a twosome xx


----------



## gettina

Woohoo lolly. Very well done. And just a week till you start becoming a family of three!! How wonderful. 
Exciting!! 
X


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## Wyxie

Congratulations, wonderful news.  Can't wait to read about you meeting your daughter.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Thanks you know I like to think about all possible questions x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

7 sleeps  xxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Beat me to it Emma   love your countdowns x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

I'm waiting for a date off you then your countdown will start  xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks so much for everyone's support, means a lot  

   7 sleeps!!!


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## flickJ

Let me add my congrats, Lolly ......... or should I say MummyLolly


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Flick   Wow, never get tired of hearing the 'M' word  

You know, this site is wonderful! The support and vast experiences of others is second to none and I have made some amazing friends! Yesterday a beautiful personalised card came through the post from the lovely Emma   It's so special a we will treasure it always   Then later who surprises me but DIY Diva, turning up with gifts for little pink   I did a double take   I am so grateful to you all   xxxxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Can't wait to see little pink trotting round in her little boots in a few months time. 

Also 5 sleeps yay yay yay x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Causing total havoc no doubt!!     5 sleeps


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## Mummy DIY Diva

We love havoc


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

So glad you liked it  

Can't wait to meet up on the shopping trip we plan to do hope your coming too DIY diva  

Xxx


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## Sq9

Very exciting lolly   can't wait to hear all about her


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Can't wait Emma x x


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## Frangipanii

Five sleeps lolly!!!! Terribly exciting isnt it!!! Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

4 sleeps x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

4 sleeps   It's nothing really is it?!!    Although lets face it, really it's 3 sleeps as I don't reckon I'll get a wink on Thursday night!!  Yesterday was mainly spent clearing out cupboards, going to the skip, organising, realising that the stairgates are not as straightforward as they looked to assemble and baking lemon cake and rocky road for work.  

I have finished seeing children at work and am office based today and tomorrow wrapping up paperwok and getting silly bits like travel claims sorted.  Oh and constantly gassing to all my work colleagues about little pink as they seem almost as excited as me


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sounds like my kind of days in work


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## Mummy DIY Diva

3 sleeps plus last day in work for a year x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Yay!!!!        Another sleep closer to our little pink (and fab days out with you and Emma!!  ) xxx


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## Frangipanii

This is all so real now!!!!!!!! How are you feeling?? I am so excited!!!!!!!! Xxxx


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## Ally Wally

hey lolly, i hadn't logged on here for a while but wow...so glad i did now...it's so close now....am sooooo friggin excited for you. i can't wait to hear how the first day goes and how you will be feeling. 

thanks for posting the details on the panel questions, you know how we like details ;-)

we too have a match....a big fat juicy blue one....but we have alot more sleeps to go!! i can honestly say to all the lovely people out there waiting, just hang in there...it's all for a reason and your perfect little one is getting ready for you somewhere and will find you when they are ready.

i have not felt this happy in a long while. 

ally xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ally    I am so happy for you!  I keep up to date with your blog so have read all about LBM   He sounds a delight and I was hoping you would pop in so I could send all my love and congratulations    The wait is are a killer, but suddenly it all makes sense, as you have found! Good times, scrap that, GREAT times    Thank you for the support, keep reading as I will try to update about intros too as I know how helpful they are from reading about others experiences.

Frangi, I feel a bit like I'm in a bubble.  I know it's happening but it doesn't feel real somehow.  Everyone is full of smiles at work today and I am too, but I don't think it's hit me that I won't be here for a long time after today.  It's odd, I am so excited, but also very nervous, and know from looking at our introduction timetable how exhausting the next week will be.  then she is home and that will be a whole new world of tired!  But I am so happy!  I want to run in and scoop her up and kiss and cuddle her, and for her to cuddle me back.  Of course I wouldn't ever dream of doing that(!!), and no way will that happen! If it did I would be somewhat scared about her attachments   But in my fairytale it's how meeting your child should be, and while I know it will be so different, it feels a bit odd.  Does that make any sense?


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

So excited   xxxx


----------



## Sq9

Very very exciting! Enjoy your last day at work


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks guys!!  So I am DONE!!!    Everyone has been lovely.  Little pink had separate presents and we had many cards from lots of my colleagues so I really wasn't expecting anything much, but they really overwhelmed me!  A gorgeous card, 2 bottles of bubbly, a 'worlds best Mummy' mug and coaster set, and the same present for Daddy! An 'I love my Mummy' photo frame, and same again for Daddy! And a generous Amazon voucher which I already have spent in my head!    Also little pink has a super fluffy and cute cat hat!! It was lovely, everyone piled into the staff room at lunch time and we all had hugs! I haven't cried, I think I am too smiley to cry today


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Congratulations! I think it makes total sense to want to run in and cuddle her it's a strange thing so much emotion but the need to go at there pace   it's hard. In time LP will be hugging you all day long I am sure.


----------



## gettina

Omg lolly. No more work!! Yippee. It's the final countdown (done at my end in dramatic soft rock style).
X


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

2 more sleeps  xxxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

5.46am hun?!! Guess I'd better get used to it   Eeek, 2 sleeps is crazy!!!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Oh yes that's the norm for me hehe. 

Xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

2 sleeps to go 2 sleeps till little pink x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I cannot believe that tomorrow morning I will be thinking '1 more sleep, tomorrow we meet our baby'   Wow, just wow!


----------



## Frangipanii

Lolly it makes total sense! My head is squished and completely wrecked today! We are going early and staying an extra night cos we are getting to stressed!!! My head is battered!!!
Sitting on the couch drinking chocolate milk and eating pepperoni and duck egg and crisps, with salad cream!!!! What the hell is going on!!!!!! Love to you mrs lovely!!!! Will be thinking of you!!!!
Xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I'll admit I've had a strange day today too. Started off quite slow and chilled and then this afternoon I got a little manic and realised I couldn't cope with all I had to do (there really isn't that much!) I think the emotions are really kicking in and I'm being a tad irrational!! Not as bad as you but am eating a bag of mini marshmallows used for cooking with a cup of tea   What are we like?!!   Love back at cha, now go get those scrummy urchins


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omg!!!!!!! One more sleep tomorrow you meet your beautiful daughter xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

One sleep Whoooooooooooo


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Waaaaaaah!!!!!    ( )


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Lolly what are you doing up at this time. 

Back to bed now!!!!! Lol it's the last time you'll ever get a lie in hehe 

Hugs xxxxx


----------



## Ally Wally

Yippeddy doodah yippeddy day.....my oh my...only one more day! lallalllaaa lala lalalaaaa. hope you do 'technically' get to sleep tonight. hashtag excited xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ally   Thanks lovely, this'll be you soon  

So I took Emma's advice and went back to sleep, but only for an hour or so! I am shattered!! I think I am running on nervous energy and now after a mammoth cleaning session I am pooped   So cupboards cleaned and sorted (with the addition of Minnie mouse bowls and fairy spoons!  ) Whole house scrubbed, washing all done, finishing touches made to little pinks room, stair gates up, child locks on, house kitted out with safety bits and bobs, little pinks picture in the heart shapes slate frame we have had empty and waiting since January. We are ready! Just waiting for DF to get home from work now, he is finishing early at 4 o'clock


----------



## Sq9

Tomorrow you meet your baby - enjoy every second


----------



## Frangipanii

Nearly tomorrow!!!! I cannot wait and I am ok now!!!! Will be thinking of you!!! love from me x x x


----------



## Wyxie

Hoping for a wonderful day tomorrow.  Treasure every moment.  

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


----------



## flickJ

Good luck tomorrow Lolly, enjoy your special day


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Omg it's today arghhhhhhhhhh.

Thinking of you both honey. 
Can't wait to hear all about your amazing 1st day meeting your daughter 

Big hugs xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

The rest of your life starts today the waiting is over. So happy for you both x x x


----------



## Ally Wally

can't wait to read your update later. whoop de whoop. xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Today! Today! Today! Happy memories to come.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

It's here!!! Is this real?!!! Ahhhh!!! Thanks everyone, will keep you posted...


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Yaaaaay, we have met our daughter!!   She is teeny tiny and the most beautiful little thing I have ever seen.  Everyone thinks she recognised us as she smiled up at us through big eyelashes straight away   She took a little while to approach us, we just sat on the floor and played and she crawled over and leant on my leg!   She then looked up at me and grinned before going back to the safety of her FC   I got cuddles later and she liked me singing twinkle twinkle. Daddy played peek-a-boo and she has an infection giggle and gummy grin! Later we blew bubbles and she caught them (and tried to eat them!!) She is so perfect (and I am so tired!!)   Wow, I am a Mummy


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Mummy Lolly, Lolly is a mummy, Lolly the Mummy, Lollymum ? Take your pick. So pleased for you can't imagine how emotional today must have been but you are there and your little girl is amazing x x x


----------



## Wyxie

Wonderful.


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Have a wonderful day today xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Drinking tea from my mummy mug from work and counting down to 10 o'clock and more time with my baby... I've missed her!!


----------



## Sq9

Just amazing   xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You'll have to get one from photo box with a picture of little pink on   . Can't wait to own a bit of tack like that x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Had a fabulous day today   Our little girl has the most heart warming smile and when she is really happy you see her dimples! The FCs have been great too and have left us on out own a lot with her today so we have had quality 1:1 time with our daughter   When we arrived she smiled at us and was happy for us to sit alongside and join her play.  she sat on Mummy's lap for a long time and enjoyed listening to nursery rhymes.  She had giggles with Daddy when he blew raspberries on her tummy and when he put her down later she pulled up on his legs to stand!  She has been giving lots and lots of prolonged eye contact, trying to sus us out.  She kept touching my face to explore and put her hands in my mouth and tried to grab my tongue!!  She remembered bubbles and gasped when I blew them!  She is so dinky she had to sit on a cushion in the highchair, but cheeky monkey knew she was centre stage and didn't eat much lunch.  We got cuddles goodbye but when I asked for a kiss she shook her head and said 'no no no'!!  I gave her lots anyway!!

Tomorrow we arrive at 7am and will be giving her her breakfast and bottle.  Then  it's getting little pink ready before a trip to the supermarket with FC so Mummy and Daddy can stock up on her favourite foods.  SW called after we left and is happy with our feedback, she said she was proud of us and hung up saying 'bye Mummy', I'll never tire of hearing it


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Wonderful day a trip to the supermarket is a great idea hadn't thought of that. Early start tomorrow but I always think kids especially babies are at their most lovely when they have just woken up.  Enjoy x x


----------



## Wyxie

Just so good to read that things are going so well.

I think doing "normal" stuff like supermarket trips is good during intros.  With Wyxling we wouldn't have done anything like that and tried to fit "normal" life around our time with her.  With Bladelet we had a normal family routine already, and it just seemed logical to fit him into the parts of it he was present for and it worked well. 

Look forward to hearing about how it goes.  

Wyxie xx


----------



## skyblu

What a perfect day  so so so pleased for you mummy Lolly 

Skyblu.xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Today has been been tiring but lovely!!  It started with Mummy giving breakfast and bottle, all was going perfectly until mouthful 8 or so when the response being the oh so familiar 'no no no' and that was breakfast done.  Next was a morning bath (so we could see and get prepared for giving her hers tomorrow).  Little pink was super helpful and rubbed bubbles on her tummy and arms! Can I just say that naked babies are uber cute!! Then nappy and play time! Little pink came to both Mummy and Daddy and was a very happy smiley girl   Next was nap time.  While she slept we looked at baby pictures and pictures from contact with BM, BF and BGrandma.  It was nice to see but very sad.  They look so in love with her, they just can't parent for various reasons, but i'm so glad she was so loved and wanted.  

When little pink woke up we tried her in her carseat.... she loved sitting in it but as feared it's MASSIVE   We bought it before we were linked as it was on a fab offer, but despite being 9+ months it won't be suitable for at least another 4-6 months in my opinion.  The top of her head just reaches where her neck is supposed to be, my dinky little girl!  So a trip to Argos tomorrow   Anyway, after all that we headed to Asda.  Little pink sat in her seat and was a happy girl bopping to the music being played over the tannoy   When we got back it was lunch time... this was much better and lots was eaten followed by two yogurts and juice.  After she was happy for Mummy to do nappy time and then we watched Balamory which she LOVES! She sang along to the tune 'buh buh buh buh' in a recognisable tune!  She then claps hands and looks at you to make sure you are applauding her efforts too!   After some more play and giggles at Daddy pulling silly faces it was nap time, our cue to leave.  She had kisses on the cheek today but was too tired and grizzly for too many cuddles. 

She is gorgeous, simply gorgeous and has an amazing happy temperament but doesn't feel like 'ours' at all yet. Intros are very strange for everyone and I am very conscious her little world is about to come all undone and we need to build it back up again and make it a safe, secure and happy one.


----------



## twinkletoes13

Hi Lolly!

I am so pleased everything is going so well! She sounds like an absolute sweetheart. I am so happy for you all.  

Just four more days and you'll be taking her home with you for good! 

I hope everything keeps going so well.

Twinkletoes x

P.S YOU'RE A MUMMY!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for dropping by lovely!! I just can't believe it really, we are so very lucky   Today is our lie in day so we are still in our pyjamas!! But can't wait to see our beautiful girlie again later!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I must say I've had the best day, and I am confident in saying DF has too!!   We arrived to massive gummy grins and she crawled to us for cuddles! We headed out with FCs to the shops and split up once there, this meant a whole hour and half with our baby girl, and proper family of 3   Little pink rode in her new purple pushchair and charmed the world   Daddy kept wanting to push, he was so proud and as much as I wanted to I let him as the image just melted my heart   We took little pink to see the rabbits and fish in pets at home. I took her out of her pushchair for a closer look and she followed the fish round the tank!! She did well out of the trip and was treated to a new toy and two pairs of shoes!! We had the pushchair facing Mummy and Daddy and chatted with her and she babbled back. Super adorable!! She seemed relaxed with us and didn't look for FCs once, although admittedly was delighted to see them when we returned to the car, but totally understandable and normal.  

When we got home Daddy changed his first nappy, but was a little slow meaning you wiggled all over the mat!! Mummy had to sing to distract you and Daddy succeeded in the end   Next was bubbles! So much giggling and passing the bubble pot back to Daddy to request more! Mummy then fed you dinner and you ate up well! The 3 of us snuggled and watched in the night garden before bath, bottle and bed. I am falling so in love with my little pink!  

Our SW rang on the way back (after collecting a maxi cosy from a very generous friend!) She is delighted with our accounts of how it's all going, but had to ask us if we wanted to proceed (as it's the review meeting tomorrow!!) Had to ask twice what she had said..... ummmmm YES   So tomorrow is review at 10 o'clock and then a trip to your new home! Can't wait until the morning


----------



## Dreams do come true

Somebody sounds a tad smitten  you're posts bring. Tear to my eye and bring back so many memories  x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

How exciting review today and visit to her home what a superb time.  Glad Daddy's getting stuck in with the nappies x x


----------



## flickJ

Oh Lolly,    

How fantastic that everything is going so well for you and your family - I read some of your posts out to DH yesterday and he just melted (I think he had tears in his eyes, though he wouldn't admit it  )

I am so, so happy for you, Mummy Lolly


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Awww thank you lovely ladies  

Just got in.... I've hit a wall.... I am so so tired! 13 hours a review meeting and over 160 miles in a day will do that though I guess! I cried in Tesco carpark, I cried thinking about how much the foster carers will miss little pink, I cried when a lovely friends sent me a beautiful adoption poem, but no tears in front of little pink, so success!!  

Today we arrived and played until 10 o'clock when people started arriving for the review meeting. Mummy got you down for a sleep so we could meet without all the social workers cooing over you!! The meeting went brilliantly and it was nice to hear the foster carers say she is doing better than they had expected   So placement day is officially confirmed for Friday!  

Next Mummy and Daddy went home and made the sitting room baby paradise with all your new toys!   You arrived a little after and took it all in your stride, looking around and crawling to explore. We showed you your new room and you loved the wall stickers, shouting 'ahhh ahhh' when you saw the monkey, Daddy was super impressed with your animal sounds!! The foster carers said you were a very lucky girl and it made our day  

Once you were settled with Mummy the foster carers snuck off and you continued playing happily for about 20 minutes. Then you crawled to the stairgate and started shouting (for them I think  ) Mummy distracted you with some carrot puff snacky things and after that you were full of smiles and giggles for the rest of the afternoon.  You had some tea in your new highchair and then it was back to the foster carers. Little pink.... you fell asleep!   At 5.30pm.... uh oh!! Mummy tried all her tricks but the car journey was too long and you couldn't last.  We woke you up and you were again smiling back at us, wish Daddy was that happy when he wakes up!!  

We played outside for a bit before you fell forward and bumped your head on the decking   Cue tears and scream for a loooong time, we felt so terrible.  Mummy consoled you for a while but really you just wanted your foster carers, which admittedly is hard, but totally understandable.  Once you'd settled Mummy and Daddy did your bath, you were very happy splashing about, although weren't so keen to have your hair washed!!  After that it was jim-jams and bottle time. The late sleep meant after the bottle you started throwing your dummy at Mummy and giggling, obviously in no mood to sleep! After a while we all decided it was best for Mummy and Daddy to go as it was all becoming a bit of a silly game!  The foster carers gave us a present from their daughter, some food, gorgeous clothes, your cups, some gifts from your first Christmas, your red book, and the wrist bands from the hospital when you were born. It's all getting very emotional...  

Anyway tomorrow we are picking you up at 9 and you come to Mummy and Daddy's all day! (poor little kitten!) We can't wait to see you, but until then we need to sleep!!!


----------



## Sq9

She sounds such a perfect match for you


----------



## skyblu

Beautiful,  I think some one is in love  You and dh get plenty of sleep and roll on Friday 

Skyblu.xxx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

I love the way you tell the story to her! Magical!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Perfect hope you have slept well x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today little pink you came to your new house all day!! You have been brilliant, better than Mummy or Daddy could ever have hoped. After a sleep in the car we went shopping!! But not before we were a bit cheeky and stopped at grandma's to let her peek through the window at her sleeping little granddaughter!! Well, we had to pass to get to the shops anyway   It was so lovely, she had tears in her eyes and said 'oh Lolly, she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, I can't believe she is ours'. Amazing!  

We went to the shops and bought some gifts for the foster carers and the other little girl you have been in placement with. Then we went home and you played with Daddy while Mummy made you dinner. You at it all up!! Next was sleep time. We put you in your pushchair in your new room and you went straight to sleep, well, we'll ignore the 5 minutes of singing first!! After 45 minutes, ping, you were was awake again!! We Skyped Granny and Granddad who live far away and they watched you chase the poor cat! After we had rescued kitty you waved at the screen and they melted! 

You have explored the house again and sat with Daddy on the bed with your bricks for a long time. I love watching you with Daddy! Or rather Daddy with you. He is so smitten and after all the heartache and the uncertainties he had around adoption way back in another life, he now says it is the best thing he has ever done and it was all meant to be. When I see you two together I know he is right  

Little pink, you ate up all your dinner up and then Mummy and Daddy had a well deserved cup of tea while you watched in the night garden and chatted away to all the characters! Next we did some singing and once again you amazed us by beeping the horn all by yourself when Mummy started singing the wheels on the bus. Clever girl!  

Mummy ran you a bath, but before we braved it and we did some glittery handprints to put with your photo in the frame for your lovely foster carers. You loved your bath and after we got you all talked up and into your pyjamas Daddy gave you your bottle and you fell asleep staring into his eyes  

We headed back to the foster carers, you sleeping in your pyjamas ready to be put straight into your bed. Of course as soon as the engine stopped, ping, you were awake   Again we had to leave you as you were getting giggly with Mummy and Daddy and wanting to play.  Poor bubba, its all so confusing right now. We picked up more of your clothes and kept your bottles, tomorrow we will get your memory box full of precious things.

Mummy drove home and was so tired it probably wasn't safe   Silly Mummy nearly ran a red light and Daddy had to shout at her to stop   Then she stood at the front door for a while until Daddy reminded her that she had driven and the keys were in the ignition  

See you at 9 o'clock little pink, sleep well, we certainly will   Mummy and Daddy think tomorrow is going to be a park day!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Beautiful hope kitty was okay being chased x


----------



## twinkletoes13

Only one more sleep......  

Sounds like everything is going perfectly, I'm so pleased for you. She sounds like an absolute poppet.

Enjoy your last night in the house with just the two of you.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies, wow, I can't believe we are a day away from being a forever family   But until then here is day 7....

Not quite as tired as yesterday as I've eaten at a normal time (not nearly 10 like last night!) But getting there!! Auntie T sent Mummy a lovely text this morning and when Mummy read it to Daddy she burst into tears and couldn't finish!! Little pink, you will have some wonderful people around you and are already so loved.

Today Mummy and Daddy picked you up at 9 o'clock and as usual you fell asleep in the car within minutes   You woke up near home and we took you to the park. Daddy pushed you in the pram to see the ducks and you giggled when they all ran towards you!! Next Mummy pushed you in the swing and when she knelt down you reached across and snuggled into Mummy's hair. Daddy got a lovely picture! Next it was time for home and a quick play before dinner. Mummy tried you with some melon but you didn't fancy trying it so she let you play with it, much more fun! We don't think you are used to finger foods yet so we are going to have fun my girl!  

After dinner you had a long sleep, I think this is taking it out of all of us. When you woke up we went to print some pictures to put with your handprints in the frame. We saw Mummy's work friend at the shops!! She enjoyed meeting you and although you stayed quite quiet you gave some good gummy grins!  

Home time and tea. You wouldn't eat for Daddy so Mummy fed you (just this once!) and after you sang along to cbeebies. We all got soaked at bath time because you had a bit too much fun splashing! I think Daddy encouraged it!! You shouted lots putting your pyjamas on so Daddy had to play peek-a-boo to distract you! Mummy left you both snuggling to go and make your bottle. Mummy gave it to you tonight and you gripped Mummy's little finger the whole time. By the end mummy had pins and needles but she wasn't letting go for anything. You fell asleep with a little sigh and Mummy wanted to keep you forever.

As we were getting you in the car the neighbours arrived home from holiday and had a little peep at our sleeping princess. They gave us big cuddles and said you were so beautiful! We put all your presents in the car for your wonderful foster carers and dropped you off for the last time. We collected the last of your clothes, a present and card for you and your big memory box full of special goodies. We said goodnight to our sleeping pink and came home. I hate leaving you behind. Last time though little pink, because tomorrow you make Mummy and Daddy's dreams come true   xxx


----------



## Sq9

Utterly fabulous    xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Today's the day I will be thinking of you x x


----------



## mafergal

I have loved reading your diary so far Lolly! I've spent my mornings this week on my train journey to work reading from start to finish & this morning had me in tears (God knows what the guy next to me thought   ) happy ones!   It's a beautiful diary & your daughter is very lucky, I'm genuinely so happy for you all x


----------



## Ally Wally

now i know i said i wanted everyone to stop crying in my world but geesh lolly, you had me going here. sensational reading. my mandala card this morning said 'celebrate'....how appropriate!  enjoy your special little family. xxxxx


----------



## flickJ

Today is the first day of the rest of your lives 

I am sure you will enjoy all the precious moments to come, and best  wishes to you all


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

We have our daughter!! That was the hardest thing but now little pink is singing in the back of the car and the world is good. I'm not sad anymore because I am a Mummy and we are finally a forever family   Life begins...


----------



## Sun Flower

Congratulations mummy and daddy   

I've been following your journey on here and reading your updates with tears in my eyes, it's wonderful and amazing and heart melting. 

Enjoy your new family xx


----------



## GERTIE179

Congratulations to the Lolly family - enjoy the rest if your lives and remember if you have a set back or two they are just that passing moments that will fade.


----------



## crazyspaniel

Many congratulations Lolly and family! Xxx


----------



## twinkletoes13

Congratulations, Lolly + DH..... YOU'RE OFFICIALLY A MUMMY AND DADDY!  

Enjoy every single moment with your precious baby girl.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva




----------



## crazyroychick

Massive congrats mummy and daddy x


----------



## Sq9

. Congratulations mummy and daddy xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you ladies   I can't wait until each and every one of you experiences this happiness, and for those of you who are already Mummies, well, I finally understand  

So today we are a family and we are so proud! We drove over to your foster carers for the final time. Your family finder had beaten us to it and was waiting. We went into the house and silly Mummy broke down in tears. Your lovely carers were crying too and we all had cuddles and then we had to go. It was very quick and you sat in your seat singing away, oblivious to the big big change in your little world. Outside Daddy thanked your family finder for finding us, she told us we had all found each other and it was all meant to be  

We got home and our neighbour came to say hello. You stared with big smiles before breaking into your cheeky smile and waving, what a little flirt!!   Mummy went to register you at the doctors and your social worker called to say she will come and visit on Wednesday. You'll see your new health visitor soon too, it will be a busy time!

The post came and you had a gift from Mummy's lovely friend. The card made Mummy cry again, everyone has been so kind and is so so happy you have come home to your forever family  

At lunch time Mummy tried you with some broccoli alongside your jar.... not a success but you had a good squidge! Then it was nap time and you went straight to sleep like a good girl. When you woke up we got to Skype Uncle J in America! You charmed him like you have everyone and he was so happy to meet you! You showed off how you play peek-a-boo with your blanket all by yourself and how you like to walk holding onto Mummy's fingers.

After we waved by bye to Uncle J we walked in the sunshine up to the park. Grandma and Grandad were waiting to peek at you. They made sure that they didn't scare you and stayed in the distance. You kept looking at all the people walking by but snuggled into Mummy and Daddy. We are so delighted we are forming a bond and you feel safe in our arms. 

We went home for dinner and tried you with some pasta. You had a little nibble but cried for a jar. It's a big change for a little lady so Mummy didn't push too much and went to get a jar. Little pink, you loved feeling the pasta and by the time I got back you'd rubbed it in your hair and Daddy was looking horrified   

Today Daddy fell in love with you more as when Mummy says 'where's Daddy' you turn to look for him and smile when you find him! Daddy kept asking Mummy to do this over and over and was so proud of his clever daughter! After a bath Mummy sang to you while we got your pyjamas on. This calmed you so no shouting today. Then Mummy lay on the bed with you while Daddy made your bottle and you gripped Mummy's hair, put your forehead on mine and stared into my eyes for a long time, it was a lovely moment  

At your foster carers you went to sleep in a bouncy chair downstairs but Mummy didn't like this idea so we made a comfy pillow pile in your bedroom and snuggled down. Mummy gave you your bottle and after you drank it up Mummy rocked and stroked your hair you until you fell asleep. You looked so beautiful and Mummy cried happy tears as she had waited so long for that moment, and after dreaming it a thousand times over it had finally come true. Mummy put you in your cot and snuggled you in your blankets and watched you sleeping for a little while and breathed you all in. 

Tomorrow is another big day so sleep well our little pink, Mummy and Daddy love you to the stars and back xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So wonderful couldn't be happier for you. Your family is amazing x


----------



## Sq9

Sounds just perfect .  Enjoy every second. Can't wait til we are there


----------



## mummy2blossom

Just wanted to say I've been following your journey and it has honestly given me hope and excitement towards our own journey. Although we are still a long way off from being in a position as wonderful as yours, your updates are so heartwarming and really make me feel so positive (the most positive I have ever been!)

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful and special time in your life

Wishing you all the happiness in the world as your dreams come true


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks girls, you will all be here soon, I promise  

Trinajc   A year ago it was me reading intro diaries and feeling excited, wishing and hoping it would be me one day. Now it is, and next year it will be you, and there will be another lovely lady reading who will be inspired by your stories


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

And you've just made me cry again.  

So so happy for you both. 

Xxxxxx


----------



## Smudgey

Fab diary today lolly , huge hugs and congrats , I had tears of joy for you and Hubby reading this xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

She's still asleep now! So far that's 11 hours   Mummy has had about 4...


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Too exciting, Lolly! You really do make it feel real. Someday that will be us. So happy for you and your little girl.


----------



## Frangipanii

So pleased for you lolly. She sounds amazing!!!! You are obviously an amazing mummy and it sounds like the perfect family. Congratulations lovely lady!!!
Much love to you all x x x x


----------



## gettina

What a gently thrilling diary entry. So so happy for you both lolly. Xx


----------



## Jacks girl

Just caught up pm your last diary entry, made me all teary and happy for you   congratulations again hun xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So little pink has been home two nights now and Mummy is slowly getting used to living with the sheer exhaustion!! It's been hard but she is our daughter and the love keeps growing  

The first night was amazing and if i'm honest, a bit of a fluke!! Last night not so good but we are getting there and learning together...

So yesterday was another busy day. We walked in the sunshine again and opened a very special present from Auntie T, a treasure basket filled with goodies! Mummy and little spent most of the afternoon filling a pouring, shaking, playing and exploring!

You are so lucky and got some more presents in the post from some of Mummy's friends who live far away, all in pink! We got a special 'welcome home little pick card' and Mummy managed to read the first line before crying (everyone is being so kind and soppy at your arrival and it's hard to cope with the emotions at the moment!! Heehee!) It was so lovely! Later Mummy read an email from two of her friends who both know the pain of not being able to have a so longed for baby, and then the joy when after many years they finally arrive. We are finally all Mummies together in 2013! I can't wait to meet up with them in the future and instead of crying into a glass of wine we'll be racing around after our little ones in a soft play centre while our tea goes cold!! Perfect  

You got quite unsettled yesterday afternoon and Mummy got upset, were you sad, missing your foster carers, confused, didn't like your new home, Mummy or Daddy. Turns out it was your teeth and after some granules you were smiling again and we had a lovely time singing songs and you ate up lots of dinner. After bath we did the same as your first night at home but this time your eyes stayed firmly open.... uh oh! At the foster carers you went to sleep in a bouncy chair downstairs with them but lovely Emma advised me to start as we mean to go on so Mummy put you in your cot, snuggled you down and went outside the room. She listened to you singing and shouting 'mama'  and when you got upset went back in, lay you down and snuggled you with your blankets, stroked your head for a while and left. This happened 8 times before you went to sleep. Mummy had to resist every urge to pick you up and cuddle but we don't want you to learn that you can cry and as a result get up to play.  But you slept 8-6.30 so we are pretty pleased with you little pink!!

Auntie T has been giving Mummy lots of tips on yummy foods we can try but as yet Mummy hasn't had time to cook anything at all! But we have sweet potatoes, sugar snap peas, butternut squash, swede, carrots and broccoli all ready to be cooked up for some yummy dinners! 

This morning you woke up singing and then snuggled with Mummy and Daddy in their bed until it was time for breakfast. Today Mummy has dressed you in your new dress..... 9-12 months and it's way too big! Get growing girlie! Look mega cute though, heehee! It's nearly nap time and after we are going to Skype Uncle J again, and hopefully Auntie H later too. 

Little pink and Daddy played while Mummy got dressed, she loves her Daddy! Little pink Daddy said you found the cat picture in book and turned to find you cat (who was hiding behind the curtain!) before smiling.... yes, we all know you are super clever!!  

When Mummy came back down Daddy was singing The Verve while you snuggled on his lap. Within two minutes you were asleep in his arms and he looked the proudest Daddy in the world! You are now snoring in your cot while Mummy thinking it's time for a cup of tea and an attempt at coaxing the cat out of hiding


----------



## aaa is a MUMMY

Lolly this is beautiful to read and brings back some amazingly special memories.  Almost 2 years on since we discovered our bubba those momemts just get better and better enjoy every second  because it really does go far too quickly.


----------



## twinkletoes13

Every time I come to read your diary, Lolly, I end up blubbing. I need to remember tissues next time. You all sound so deliriously happy, it's just perfect.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you TT   (sorry for making you cry though!!  ) Thank you aaa! How lovely to read, I can tell how happy you are   I will make sure I savour every moment   Although having said that I did have a wobble this morning   Little pink is teething very badly and was so upset that it broke my heart   She cried to come up but when I tried to cuddle her she thrashed and pushed me away.  this repeated a while and I had a little sob. I worried that the reality had finally hit her and she was grieving, confused, hurting, missing her FCs and struggling   As it turns out we gave her teething granules and she perked right up   And as silly as this sounds i'm worried my little cat is stressed. She keeps biting me and lashing out, sleeps behind the curtain or furniture, and I miss cuddles with her   We are all adjusting but it's hard work!! On a brighter note little pink only had to be settled down in her cot twice last night so that was great! 

Mummy, Daddy and little pink walked to the woods today and had some lunch out. A lady in a shop commented at how lovely she was and asked lots of questions! She said she was a dink and I said just like her Mummy    We stopped at the shop for some vapour rub as you have the snuffles at night and bumped into your Uncle S   You charmed him of course and we know Auntie T will be jealous he got to see that!   Mummy made sweet potato and butternut squash for tea and after the initial head shake and spit out before little pink had even tasted any, she ate up a good amount and Mummy was pleased as it is a total new taste   We had a bump after tea and Mummy and Daddy had to blow hundreds of bubbles to calm you down! Nearly time for bath, bottle and bed. Oh, and Mummy mopped the kitchen floor today, total accomplishment!!


----------



## Sq9

Sounds like you are all adjusting really well. The hard work and blips will all be worthwhile.  Amazing


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Sounds like a really successful day all round x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Much better day today, feeling very happy right now   Today Mummy and little pink walked to the children's centre to register and meet Mummy's friend who is an outreach worker there and she did our induction.  You fell asleep on the way but woke up and had a look in the sensory room with wide eyes   We also registered with the dentist so they can check those pegs, all two of them!!  Mummy's friend gave us a goodie bag full of books, recipe ideas, vouchers and information on all the groups we can go to, you can't wait!! Mummy walked home past grandma's and we waved to 'B' the dog through the window. Grandma was out in seconds once she knew you had come to say hello and she told you she loved you lots.  I know you will love grandma lots too (she'll have the chocolate buttons!) We went home for lunch and Daddy said he had missed his girls!  After lunch Daddy took you to clean the car while Mummy ran round and cleaned the house all ready for your social worker visit in the morning. 

After playtime Mummy cooked spaghetti bolognese for dinner and apple and banana for pudding.  You've had a good try, lumps and all!! Mummy was so proud, and thinks your trust is building as you are now willing to try lots more (whether they stay in your mouth is a whole different matter!!) We are so pleased with you!   You had a splashy splashy bath and your bottle snuggled into Mummy.  You didn't fall asleep so Mummy popped you in your cot with your blankets and after a minute of chatter you were sound asleep!!   Please sleep through again, Mummy thinks Daddy is tired today!!   

Tomorrow we think we'll go and feed the ducks... xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Fabulous day little pink is adjusting so well what a star x x


----------



## Loobys

Congratulations lolly, hubby and little pink I haven't read all ur updates but skimmed over last few why my little pink eats breakfast and plays, I will Look forward to reading properly later xx congratulations again xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Loobys!!   Hope you and your little pink are well  

So we just had our review. I should be concentrating on the positive, but a little annoyed about one aspect.... Anyway, first the good... little pink's SW is delighted at how well she is settling, she observed her cuddling into me lots and sitting on Daddy's knee (all the while avoiding her  ) She said we look tired (yuh huh!  ) but that we are coping well.  She asked about sleep, eating habits etc and is pleased she is doing so well as it shows she feels safe   So on to the whinge... she asked whether she had shown any distress, I said just from teeth issues and a little bump she had. Well then it was all 'where did she bump, what happened, you need to tell me, what did you do, do you know the signs of concussion' blah blah blah!  She made me feel awful   She was only pulling to stand and slipped and had a tiny knock, we were there but sometimes you can't quite catch them in time   I know she has to cover her back, I get it, but still aggravated me! I told her I had dealt with lots of bumps using my many years in nursery, had put a cold compress on and didn't deem it to be a significant knock!!   She said if it happens again we have to call her   For goodness sake, I have worked with children for years, I have seen a child break their arm, have a seizure, split their head and loose a tooth when they fell. I know when to worry and when to think its all part of the learning process   Makes me conscious she isn't really mine yet...


----------



## aaa is a MUMMY

Lolly worry NOT it sounds to me they were trying to find something wrong typical social workers. You are doing a fab job xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I think you are doing a wonderful job   my advice would be just don't tell SW things like that if SW is going to be a weirdo. I worry about children that never bump because that means their parents never let them do anything fun x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks very much for the reassurance ladies, you are wonderful as ever   She bumped again earlier but no tears but is a little line on her forehead, keep it to yourselves though  

Lovely day today, she has eaten brilliantly, has taken to taking a bite of her finger foods and then offering to me and I have to bite before she will have some more   Although there is only so much half chewed food Mummy can stomach   I have also been showing her her toy telephone and holding it to my ear and talking. Today she did it all by herself and started babbling, wonder what she was saying...   Daddy is getting a cold so it's been a girlie day today!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

It's all about the girly days   x x x


----------



## Sq9

I would definitely only tell sw what she needs to hear and nothing more.  You and dh are doing amazingly and little pink is clearly settling and putting down strong roots for a brilliant bond with you.  Keep doing what you are doing and enjoy every second


----------



## Wyxie

Sounds like things are going really well.  So lovely to read about it.

I would just humour the SW's fussing but not tell her what she doesn't need to know.  If she can't see any bruises and you haven't taken her to A&E, I wouldn't mention it.

Having said that, I've had both mine at A&E for head bumps not far into placement and really, in both cases, there was absolutely nothing I could have done about it, and I just took them to get them checked out as Wyxling's was quite a hard knock, and Bladelet's wasn't, but he had a squishy patch on his head (turns out he always had, but I'd never noticed).  

Bladelet's generally OK, but Wyxling has always been permanently covered in bruises.  When she gets agitated she just doesn't seem to feel pain properly and crashes around from bump to bump, sometimes she does it on purpose.  Even Bladelet who's not been wandering outside very much has already managed to scrape half the skin off the side of his face falling on concrete in the garden.  They heal fast, and we can only keep them so safe.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Wyxie, I really do think it's need to know isn't it, and for SWs to get a grip a little!! Babies bump, that's life. Surely not having a mark on them is far more abnormal?!!  

So today little pink has been home for a whole week. It's been a crazy, tiring, emotional, smiley time and we learn more about one another every day. In every way we continue to adjust, but equally it feels like she's been here for so much longer. I suppose in our hearts she has been. She is developing so well, and shows us a new 'trick' everyday. We are so proud of our daughter and are so thankful for this journey. I would live the years of heartache all over again to have my baby daughter home where she belongs.  Granny and grandad from far away are coming next week and so begins a whole new chapter... We are all so thankful for all the love, support and the genuine happiness from our friends and family, not to mention all of you, in welcoming little pink home. We are a forever family. We are blessed   xxx


----------



## Frangipanii

And you deserve every second of it and every moment of pink happiness!!! Xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Clever little pink, she will now turn to look correctly when asked 'Where's mummy? Where's daddy? Where's cat?' She is also able to select the right toy when asked to 'find duck and find frog', and when we say 'little pink shake shake' she goes and gets and plays her maraca!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So cute love a child that can do a few tricks   . Only joking she is a little star and bright as a button x x


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## Smudgey

Oh lolly you are doing amazing and little pink sounds adorable ! Makes me excited for whats in the future xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Our social worker visited today and it was lovely. She said she could see how well we are doing just by looking at how happy and content little pink is, and that she was 'all over us' so the bond is definitely forming. Made me quite emotional when she said all this   we gave her a card and flowers and at this moment little pink decided to blow kisses, nice little scene   LAC review on Wednesday!


----------



## Handstitchedmum

So glad it is going well for you! I am starry-eyed whenever I read your updates. You are starting to convince me to go younger!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

It's lovely to see lots of firsts with a little one, I really feel like I'm 'mothering' her too with bottles, weaning and nappies. We always said we wouldn't  want to be matched with a child under 12 months due to the uncertainty, we always said a boy too! But at the end of the day she grabbed our hearts and none of the other preconceived ideals mattered anymore. You'll know what's right when it all falls into place


----------



## twinkletoes13

Hi Lolly,

Just thought I'd pop by to see how you're getting on. Little pink sounds like a real charmer, and you sound like a fab mum.  

Happy one week anniversary too!  

(get well soon to Mr Lolly!).


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks so much lovely!! It's actually 2 weeks today, but did just have to double check with DF as all the days merge into one!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well DF is back to work tomorrow and I'm feeling quite nervous about it. It makes me wonder how will I get it all done, but I know routine is key and I'll be trying to establish a good one over the next few weeks. We have a few things planned this week which will help including first LAC review, and much more fun, our first visit to the sensory room at the children's centre!! I am going to take little pink on walks with grandma and the dog too and go on a girlie shopping trip to buy her some more clothes (she has so many but they are all so big that I have relented and will get some 6-9 months winter gear!) I'm sure we will be fine but right now it's a pretty scary thought!!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You will be fantastic it's normal to feel scared but I think DF going back to work will enable you to really settle and get a strong routine in place x x


----------



## Sq9

I'm sure you'll be fantastic. Enjoy your fabulous 1 to 1 girlie time - if things don't get done round the house, so what, they'll get done eventually


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today we had our first LAC review, scheduled for 9am and what a palaver is was   First of all two unknown health visitors turned up. Credit to them, they had only received the invite yesterday, were on time, got an overview on where little pink is up to and we have a further visit scheduled for next month. They had to leave at about 9.40 by which point no one else had arrived   About 5 minutes later little pink's social worker arrived with the IRO (who had clearly just been smoking  ) and when I explained they said there was an admin error and the meeting was actually meant to be at 10 o'clock   After waiting 15  more minutes for our social worker we decided to start. The meeting actually went very well, although we got a big shock when little pink's social worker said something about the sound of pitter patter feet in the future, so we don't know what this means if anything at all. They left and I put little pink down for a much needed sleep before ringing our social worker. Well it was in her diary but she said she had thought today was Tuesday   I do believe her actually as she was totally mortified and is coming out tomorrow instead! Poor little pink was a bit upset and very clingy when she woke up, and is crawling after me crying if I attempt to move. It's good in the bonding and attachment sense, but I'm a bit upset that it's all been a bit much for her this morning, too many new faces and fuss. Anyway, next formal review in January! Let's see what happens next time...


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Little pink took her first steps this evening, all 2 of them!!!


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## SummerTilly

Congratulations on the steps Lolly! Wonderful news 

Exciting about the pitter patter... if they mean follow-on sibling


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Clever little pink x x


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## Sq9

Fab little pink


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## peacelily

Well done on the walking Little Pink!


Our DD was the same after the first LAC review last month, really thrown by the number of people in the house, especially SWs she was familiar with (which to her must have been associated with moving   ) she was very clingy all that day, and cried at bedtime (most unlike her).


Peacelily xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies   We had some more steps last night, I couldn't have been a prouder mummy  

Peacelily, I'm glad the behaviors is quite normal, but it' sad this happens. We are lectured on slow introductions of family and friends, neutral environments and for them not to be over familiar. But it seems that all this goes out the window when it comes to review time. She was still a bit out of sorts yesterday but our social worker did come and see her in the afternoon. A quiet day today I think. Plus nearly the weekend and daddy will be at home   I'm sure she misses him a lot as she looked at his side of the bed yesterday and said 'bye bye'  

On a lovely positive note yesterday our social worker said little pink had grown, her personality was starting to shine, her hair was thicker and her skin was glowing, she knows she's home. I thought it was a beautiful thing to say


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww clever lil pink on walking. We knew the fall out of the large number of folks at the review meet would have been too much so we arranged to meet at local SW offices (both SWs had visited by that point) so it's worth considering for those you know will find it hard.

It is a bit of a contradiction but it does all get forgotten about once they are all away (roll on court dates eh)
X


----------



## Wyxie

Glad to hear things are going well, and wonderful news about the steps.  Get ready to lock all your stuff up and grow eyes in your bum!  Bladelet is an absolute little monster at the moment for being into everything he damn well knows he shouldn't be.  He just looks at me with big eyes and gives me a huge happy "look Mummy, what I'm doing, can you come and stop me please" smile as he wacks the TV while I'm trying to get dinner ready.  I say "Bladelet, no, rascal cage" (what we've renamed the play pen too) and he gives me a huge sulk and reluctantly walks away about half the time now.  The other half just can't resist making Mummy come and move him, and he goes in the rascal cage!  Luckily, after an initial little paddy, he actually is quite happy in there and plays well.

Wyxling used to get massively unsettled by her SW visits, and the review meetings were awful.  We tried to get them moved or have them so one of us went and the other one took Wyxling out, but for our LA, the IRO has to actually see the child so she had to be there for at least part of the meeting.  It was never good.

Bladelet dealt with the first one OK, but the second he wasn't happy at all afterwards.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies, I know it'll be so strange without SS and SWs milling around, but if the couple of days fallout we had is the result then like you say Gertie, roll on court dates!!

Wyxie, I already feel like I need eyes in the back of every body part going   So god help me with the walking   She is also developing a defiant cheeky side too, this week has been scratching, the leather sofa, the wall (not so bothered with that one), me (more bothered here as it hurts!) We have told her 'no' and so now she does it, looks at me with a smirk and shakes her head   Little madam!! She has also taken to spitting, where that came from I don't know!! We wondered if it was her teeth bothering her, but I think she had just clocked that we bristle when she does it and so does it all the more!! She met great grandma yesterday and spat at her   Ooops!! Other than that she's a delight....   

She has two little white tips on her top gum now so her front teeth are finally coming through   She hasn't been too unsettled so far which is good. Her new word is 'wow' very enthusiastically spoken and sometimes with an 'ooooh' in front! Very cute!!  We have introduced cows milk to her breakfast porridge and as with all the other new food and drink she enjoyed it and wolfed it down!

It is a month ago today we started introductions. I can't believe its only been a month.  It doesn't feel forever yet, but certainly a lot longer than a month! We met some neighbours from down the road yesterday. We are not close but stop and speak when we see each other. They couldn't believe we had a daughter and having spotted us from afar said they assumed we were babysitting! We did get a couple of inappropriate questions, but delivered in the nicest way if that makes sense?!! They said they were sorry with what had happened and I said I wasn't, we were meant to be little pink's parents and they beamed and agreed.  I mean that wholeheartedly, you couldn't pay me to go through treatment now, even if it was guaranteed to work.  I don't want a baby baby, I want my 11 month little girl.  It is a horrendous thought that if I had given birth to her I would be going back to work next month, just as she is really developing her personality, starting to walk and talk.  I have never been all gushy over newborns and while I get to fulfil my mothering desire with little pink, she is quite independent and does a lot which I find delightful.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we knew she was our daughter, a lot of it stemmed from discussions on here and close friends having to make the choices we were faced with only a few months ago. I think on receiving the profile initially it was the fact there was no reason to say no, she ticked the boxes so to speak and while I was reserved I knew I wanted to know more. When we got her CPR I read it willing there to be no reasons to say no to her, which shows there was a strong desire at that stage to progress.  We spoke to family and their excitement ignited mine, although I remained very cautious and outwardly played the whole thing down. Then at the linking meeting her SW did a great job of bringing her to life and nothing had ever felt so right. When we were told there and then they wanted to proceed and did we need time as a couple to talk it through I remember looking at DF.  I could see in his eyes he had fallen for her and I just knew we were finally going to be parents.  I finally get it now.  The journey we have had to endure in order to find our little pink, if one stage of the past 7 years had panned out any differently I wouldn't be sat here watching her sleep, falling in love with my girl.  It was the hardest time, but it lead us to this point and I wouldn't change any aspect of it for the world


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww Lolly that's wonderful and sums up my feelings totally x


----------



## Ally Wally

here here lolly. *applause* very wise words and i totally totally agree. i would love to add a link to this on my blog somehow but not sure how to do that?

lots of love
ally


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I have no idea either but I won't get you done for copywrite if you want to copy and paste!!  

Well after 3 mass vomiting sessions last night we are not having the best of days. Poor little pink   and poor mummy


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Oh dear you poor things     hope you feel better soon x x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

You have done fabulous today honey just like you do everyday  

Sending big hugs

Xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks both of you lovely ladies!   And thanks to Emma for helping me through yesterday   today is another day and we are dosing up on teething granules and braving it at our first baby group this morning. Wish us luck!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Anytime sweetie we're a good support for each other. 

Today will be great 

Big hugs xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Love this site, it's made me some lovely friends for life  

So baby group was a hit!! We both enjoyed it and the 'a' word didn't come up, I was just a normal mummy   Little pink did some finger painting, played the instruments, loved singing time and had a good explore of all the new toys and little friends she had met. We'll be going again


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So glad it went well x x x


----------



## flickJ

Hi Lolly,

So pleased your first baby group went well and you both enjoyed it


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Little pink just crawled to me and gave me the biggest cuddle   Then she looked at me and leant in for her first spontaneous kiss for Mummy   Unfortunately just as I puckered up she opened her mouth and licked my lips   Gotta love my girlie though, really falling for her these last couple of days


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well we are now 5 weeks into placement and only another 5 until we can submit our application to adopt our little pink forever and ever   We had our first trip to the doctors yesterday, poor little thing has infected dermatitis behind her ear and is now on steroid cream and strong antibiotics for 5 days. We of course have to tell her social worker on Monday, keep jumping through the hoops I suppose   First birthday is imminent and I really cannot wait, to see my daughter surrounded by family singing to her and sharing cake, well, I already know I will be   All happy tears though. 5 weeks in and my goodness I love my girl


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So we have recently celebrated a first birthday! It was amazing, little pink looked absolutely beautiful in her party dress and enjoyed spending time with all her favourite people. We sang happy birthday and Daddy helped blow out her number 1 candle. She smiled and clapped all the way through and I burst with pride. It was a scene I have wished for for so many years. Even when I was a little girl it was my dream and finally it's come true. It was a very overwhelming day and there were tears at various stages!! But all happy tears. I love that little pink so very much, she has completed our world


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

One day little pink you will read this diary, and I hope you see that the last three posts have all ended with a  I hope you understand that it is all down to you and how happy you have made Mummy and Daddy


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Such a lovely post honey little pink is a special little lady. 

Xxxxxxx


----------



## Smudgey

Lovely post. Lolly )) and happy birthday little pink xxxx


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## flower power

What a lucky girl she is. Glad you all enjoyed the celebrations and may there be many more. 
Xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So lovely you're a beautiful family. Glad Little Pink had such a wonderful birthday bet she was spoilt rotten especially by those Grandma's   x x x


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## GERTIE179

Awww how wonderful and what a happy lil pink x


----------



## Wyxie

So glad you had a wonderful day on her Birthday.  It sounds like things couldn't be going better.  Wonderful to read about.


----------



## crazyroychick

Love reading your diary, glad you had a great day xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Two months ago today we brought our little pink home forever. It was the most emotional day we have ever had. The heartbreak for the FCs, the fear of being forever parents to this vulnerable little person, the overwhelming joy at being a family and the concern for little pink whose life was about to change forever. But she has far exceeded everyone's expectations and we couldn't be more proud. It is so surreal. Two months is nothing, but equally it feels like a lifetime. I forget I didn't give birth to her. I wonder what on earth we did with ourselves before she came into our lives! We have had first steps, birthdays, weaning, doctors visits, teething, parties, kisses, sleepless nights, baby groups, swimming, shopping trips, cuddles, tantrums, new words, illness, family visits, long walks, messy play, exploding nappies, health visitors, singing, climbing, vomit, laughter, tears and lots and lots of love. I am a real life mummy and I am loving each and every day. And little pink, I hope you are too   xxxxxxxx


----------



## Sq9

fabulous post xx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

That little pinks a little star and you are a fabulous mummy x


----------



## GERTIE179

Wow what a fast two months that's been. Loving your update Lolly x


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Love the update sweetie. Little pink is a beautiful little lady me and little man loved meeting you both and can't wait to do it again soon. 

Hugs xxxxx


----------



## flower power

So nice to read your positive post! 
I love the honesty of this forum and completely get it when Mums need a moan and I love reading back on all the advice re behaviour and attachment issues that LO's come with, storing it all up for when our turn comes to bring someone home. 
But to hear such joy and pride and happiness from you fills me with excitement for our future. 
Thanks and congratulations. 
FP. Xx


P.s. this doesn't mean you're not allowed to moan in the future! Xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for the kind messages ladies. And thanks for the permission flower power... here I go... only small really and my fault for doing all my Christmas shopping online but bloody delivery men ringing the doorbell at nap time is doing my head in   I think I need to make a threatening sign... She's only managed half hour sleep and I cried I'm that tired today. I had literally just sat down   Daddy is out later so I'll be home alone with a very tired tired little pink while he is off boozing   That means hangover tomorrow and an early get up again for mummy. I had my Monday all planned and he has just been called into the office so I'm stuck at home now   (we only have one car) Also he won't be there for her first injections with us and I just wish he could be. I miss my parents so much right now, and grandma who lives close has not called all week   All these are small things and not actually adoption things, just usual parenting things, but when you're tired it feels big drama. Gotta go, I see poo face...


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs gorgeous.  Hope there is more sleep for mummy and little pink today.  Lack of sleep makes the most patient of angels frazzled.  Sending some zzzzzzzzzz's your way x x


----------



## gettina

Hope you've had some chocolate or some other treat since you posted and have a good night's sleep.
You sound so weary.  
Sending love 
Gettina


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies, you're right, I was frazzled. Never underestimate tiredness and he impact on your ability to cope and rationalise. But thankfully the sleep on my part is a little better so I'm much brighter today  

Yesterday was our adoption agency's Christmas party! It was fab, food bags for the children, and entertainer who had instruments, bubbles and flashing lights! Father Christmas came with presents and little pink tried to pull his beard off!! Nearly ruined Christmas for a village hall full of children!! Oops! We saw our friends from prep and their little lad, and met up with another couple who we hadn't seen since training and their two little boys. Lovely to catch up! Little pink was the youngest there and after a while wanted to go off and explore. Trouble was all the others were charging about and I was worried she would get trampled!! It's events like that that reassure me about our aattachment. She stayed close to mummy and daddy for first half an hour and would return to me and lay her head on my lap (with cheeky grin!) when people spoke to her. She did recognise our social worker though and waved across the room to her! She wore her beautiful party dress we got for her Birthday party and had a lovely time. 

Today is a mega busy day. We have a sensory/movement/music session later, her MMR this afternoon and then SW is coming! I tried to put our SW off saying she would probably be a bit upset and grumpy after the jabs, but she said 'oh well, not to worry, i'll come anyway'   It's coming up to 10 weeks of placement so we can submit our paperwork soon  

Friday is Mummy's night out. I'm worried after little pink was unsettled when Daddy went last week, but we will see. She's with Daddy though so is sure to have lots of fun (and chocolate buttons!   ) Then on Saturday is the towns Christmas light switch on. There is a torch procession, fireworks, music and all the twinkly lights. It's something I would previously have avoided but this year I'm so over excited for it all


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Just went to our first sensory and music group. At the end the lady got out big fleece blankets, LED stars, turned the lights off and put on the projector that was full of twinkles. The song came on 'snuggle baby, snuggle baby, I love you'. Little pink snuggled right in to me watching the stars and right there in a room full of people I cried!!! Having an over emotional day today!   Wish me luck with her injections later


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## Mummy DIY Diva

What a gorgeous munchkin x x


----------



## Smudgey

Love reading your posts ! Hope the jabs went ok xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Smudgey, your turn next lovely   The injections went as ok as they could have done thank you. My lovely friend had luckily pre-warned me that they now give three separate jabs in the legs which I hadn't known. I thought it was one combined shot. Anyway, poor little pink wasn't best pleased and did have a good cry, poor baby   Nurse was a bit annoying as she commented on the adoption and decided to throw in 'you'll get pregnant now...' Oh right, adopting cures infertility, who knew   I told her I bloody hoped not and to get pregnant now would be my worst nightmare. She looked suitably shocked   but replied with 'well, it always happens that way' Ummmm.... no, no it doesn't   We all get it and sometimes it winds me up, sometimes it doesn't. She wound me up, probably because she is a medical professional and should know better. Also it's as if saying what I have isn't enough. My friend said she hopes I'll get my miracle baby now. Well thanks but you know what, I already have my miracle baby, she's called little pink and is all we want and need  

SW came in the afternoon too (crazy busy day yesterday!) and we can submit the paperwork to formally adopt our little pink next week   She's a star and after taking some details said she will complete the form this week, send us copies with a covering letter of what we have to include when we send them, and an addressed envelope. Brilliant, we are so lucky to have her.  

Today little pink looks very tired so we have had a very chilled hour at the local sensory room before a quiet afternoon in. Might just have to Skype Granny who lives far away later though before she gets withdrawal symptoms


----------



## Daddyboo (Paul)

Hi Lolly, 
Sorry we missed you at the Xmas party - I really should have messaged to see if you were going!

My DW and I were the ones without any kids manning the tombola    It was a joy to see all those forever families enjoying themselves, and we were really pleased that we volunteered - I think it showed our SW what kind of people we are.

We'll have to meet up next time.

Paul x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh no Paul we missed you, hope you had a good time? Although of course it'll be even better for you guys next year!   We had the crazy baby in the purple dress who kept trying to crawl into the chaos  

So yesterday we went to the Christmas light switch on. It was lovely! We stopped in the church and sang some Christmas carols and little pink joined in   She liked all the twinkly lights and just started wide eyed at the fireworks! Can't wait until she comes down one morning to a big Christmas tree full of sparkle


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Christmas is so exciting bet little pink will love every minute.  I am sure it'll be pretty special for mummy and daddy too


----------



## gettina

Lolly, your family life sounds so joyful. Just wanted to say how happy I am for all three of you. 
Gettina xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today we got a big envelope recorded delivery... It was our application for the adoption order   Our brilliant social worker had filled it all in for us and made the relevant copies, included a copy of the placement order and an addressed envelope. We need to check and sign, add little pink's birth certificate and the all important cheque and send   I emailed her to thank her for all the hard work and she wished us a fabulous Christmas with our daughter and family. What a wonderful woman


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thinking a lot about birth mum today. Not sure why. People make their own assumptions as to what person she is, some crazed junkie or an uncaring mother who abandoned her children. I feel strangely protective over her. I explain she is just a young woman who never had a mother figure herself and simply doesn't have the know how to raise a family. That it doesn't mean she didn't love her children, want to keep them with her. I find it sad and will be forever grateful to her for making such a special little pink. I wonder if she is pregnant as expected. If she is hiding away in order to keep this baby, which sadly will never happen. She isn't a bad person, just one with a tragic tale to tell. Maybe all these feelings will alter once we meet her. Maybe they will heighten. I think of those pictures from the final contact and how happy she looks while holding her. But I can't wish it any other way or we wouldn't be a family now. Lots of thoughts today...


----------



## peacelily

Goodness me, what a fab social worker you have    I had to do all of that myself!!


Just wanted to echo your sentiment towards BM, I feel the same towards both of my children's - though they came from very different backgrounds    always think more about them around birthdays.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks for sharing your views PL   I've since spoken to others and some have altered their viewpoint after failed meetings or contact difficulties. I suppose we are not yet far enough down the line to forsee how my emotions may change. I suppose this is just how I feel now. And I do hope it stays that way, it's so much easier and healthier than having hatred. But everyone's experiences are so unique in would never judge. It's a minefield!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well Christmas has been and gone and it was wonderful to finally be a family   It was very busy though with family parties and visitors, and I was conscious to keep little pink close to me and keep our quiet time with Mummy and Daddy at the end of the day consistent. I think that really helped as at times I could see she was getting a little overwhelmed. I really do think people forget she is still a very new addition to the family. True it's like she has always been here but she hasn't and I don't want to undo all the hard work we have done very early placement. MIL is desperate to feed her which little pink will not tolerate one bit, I always swoop in and take over as MIL must be 'very busy'. She did want to pick her up all the time but has finally realised she is happiest when down playing. A big source of my annoyance came when she was with Daddy he told me little pink was baby-napped by MIL and taken to their bedroom to wake FIL. I was not impressed as that is a very intimate thing and something special to our family. I am delighted to say she screamed the house down and they won't be trying it again! But we got through those little incidents and everything else has been lovely. She got so many gifts and has just generally charmed all she met, she really is our little super star, we are very proud. 

We are now back to our usual routine with Daddy back to work today. It's nice to regain some normality. She is fully walking and her understanding and language is coming on amazingly. We have our second LAC review next week which half of me is dreading as I really feel we may get news of another pregnancy... anyway, I promised myself I would cross that bridge when I came to so I'll stop right there.

Love to everyone   xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

She's a super star and so are you and daddy.  In laws are sent to develop our patience lol x x


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww glad you had a lovely family time. We had great time too and managed most if the family as with our littlie being a bit older he can make his intentions very known. Were having a bit of upset now and think its from all the routine breaks even though we kept as close to normal as we could. 
X


----------



## Wyxie

Lolly, So glad you had a lovely first Christmas together.

We had a similar issue with hubby's gran; she simply would not stop asking Wyxling for cuddles etc and Wyxling was very uncomfortable with the amount of attention.  I tried on a number of occasions to ask her to just let Wyxling come to her in her own time, but she wasn't having any of it, and just kept saying "oh, your brother came for a cuddle, he wasn't bothered" and various things to that effect.  She didn't listen to a word I said and was all "oh, children are just children, she's fine, she's not going to come to any harm" etc etc.  She was properly annoying me.  Tbh MIL was overstepping the mark massively as well, and lifted Wyxling into bed with her on Christmas day morning for a snuggle, which I was definitely not impressed with, given how confusing Wyxling finds the relationship anyway, and our previous discussions about what it is and isn't OK to do with our kids!  Bladelet was also considerably unsettled by Christmas and all the family, but seems to be calming down a little now we're back home again.

I hope the next review goes well, whatever the news or lack of.

Gertie, Wyxling often struggles after the fact rather than during, which can make getting family cooperate really hard at times!

Best wishes to all.

Wyxie xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies   It's sad to know it's not just us, it's something we all have to deal with at varying times from varying people. But we all know it's probably one of the biggest adoption issues we all face. I know ours comes from a good loving place but it's still incredibly annoying at times! I suppose Christmas is the peak time and I am hoping we don't have a post Christmas fall out. That's why return to normality has been good these past couple of days. Although having said that I have another little whinge today... proud mother in law wants to show the world she is grandma. It's lovely but holding on to my baby while she cries 'mum mum mum' and reaches out to me with tears in her eyes is not ok. I will not have her thinking mummy doesn't respond to her needs and  physically took her out of her arms and back to me very quickly (catching grandma's hair in the process!! Oops!) Grandma looked put out but needs must and little pink always comes first!

I hope calm is returning for you all


----------



## GERTIE179

Oh dear! I've had that too from my own mum (who in fairness is a baby whisperer most of the time just not with my darling boy). When's he's upset she's tried to take him from me/DH and we have to just ignore her being out out but if he wants mummy then just try n stop me grrr

Wxyie I think most of it is from our lack of routine and over excitement but there's other stuff been going on too so I think I know why. Overall I think he's coped amazingly well and it's clear how loved he is by everyone. X


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So things aren't all roses and tweety birds all the time   My goodness I love this little pink but today has been horrendous, she has been in a horrible mood which lead me to declare I had 'reached the limit of my sanity!'   Ok, a tad dramatic and I don't even know if it made any sense (I knew what I meant  ) but goodness she knows how to push my buttons. It's not been one particular thing, just a general day of screaming, hitting, food throwing/smearing and defiance! Even the checkout girl in Tesco asked what was wrong with her   I have ignored, I am ashamed to admit I shouted, but hey, we're all human, I have cuddled, I have sat her down to calm down. I need a consistent approach, today was seeing what would work and realising nothing did! She has been poorly and is teething so it could be that. It could also be the fallout from Christmas. She has followed me all day crying mum mum mum. A great sign but very draining. I'm glad Daddy has been home to see what full time parenting can be like! Also next door ringing the doorbell and waking her up hasn't helped either of us, of all days   Anyway nearly bedtime, tomorrow is another day...


----------



## crazyspaniel

Lolly,  
Tomorrow is indeed another day, sounds like your positive times far outweigh the negative ones so don't lose sight of that x

Hope little pink is feeling better in the morning.... It's nearly bedtime


----------



## MummyAuntieKatie

Lolly I do sympathise, we have days like those!  they aren't as frequent as the used to be, things are def settling down but it can get to you sometimes! xx


----------



## GERTIE179

Lolly - big hugs - I had a similar day yesterday and ended up in tears. We've had such a great while but were still getting fallout from Xmas & other changes to routine that are unavoidable but last few days have been awful. DH home too and he's found it awful too so we just take a few hours at a time. Hope it passes soon (of tooth pops through).

Tomo is another day & were in a New Year so lots if positives x x


----------



## Wyxie

Big hugs and lots of sympathy!

We are seeing some of this from Wyxling and I think fall out from Christmas and the big routine breaks are definitely a big part of it, because overall she's doing a lot better now, and although it's all relative she really does seem to be making progress.  It feels like just as I start to relax a little and start to think we may one day come close to a "normal" family life, Bladelet is getting very difficult, and I'm just tired, so very tired, and want our normal to start now.  Not perfect, just not a complete roller coaster all the time.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Wyxie xx


----------



## Sq9




----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you everyone for the kind replies and insight into the fact we are most certainly not alone. It restored some of my sanity last night to speak to others who get it. Adoption makes you question everything, rightly so, it's good to have an awareness but I think I could drive myself mad questioning and analysing every behaviour... So today is another day and already we are off to a better start. Little pink slept through for over 13 hours   and we have managed breakfast time without a tantrum! She giggled when she saw the mouse on the cereal box and tried to copy mummy making squeaky sounds! I've been adding lots of praise and every time I say 'good girl' she's been smiling and nodding her head   Think we're all trying today   We are going to have a quiet family day, just us 3, nothing too extravagant, just a walk and lunch out. Thanks again


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

The behaviour has improved brilliantly. But the clingyness is through the roof. It's ok when we are out or with other people but at home just little pink and me, or daddy too, it's exhausting. Should I carry on with what needs to be done so we don't get into bad habits and expectations? Or do I go to her at each cry because she is obviously craving that closeness and reassurance? I'm trying to find a happy medium, except no one is happy right now   I'm not sleeping at  the moment and of course that makes everything a hundred times worse. Second review tomorrow and possible news of a sibling. I'm dreading it to be honest because hand on heart it simply isn't the right time. Oh for a good night's sleep... xx


----------



## Flash123

Lolly, I'm sending you a big hug because I could have written your post myself. We too have just found out about little mans little sister. It's my dream come true. A boy and a girl, full sibling but we too have had to say no, and it has broken my heart. For many reasons I know we have made the right decision and if we said yes it would purely be for my own selfish reasons - a very young baby. 

Little man has also been going through a very clingy stage. A month or so ago I asked on the parenting board if this was normal toddler separation anxiety or something more. I too didn't know what to do. Was responding to his needs making things worse or storing up difficulties and problems for the future. We're we spoiling him? My conclusion is that at this age if he wants contact and reassurance it's because he needs it. He has settled extremely well and all sw are thrilled with his attachments but he still has times of insecurity and anxiety. It is a nightmare on times, I can't even go to the loo. At times of clingy ness sitting on my lap isn't even enough, he has to be around my neck - cheek to cheek and to be honest sometimes I want to find a cave to climb into...alone! My gut reaction is to go with it at the moment - as difficult it is at times. Our little ones have still only been with us for a relatively short period of time and they have a lot of catching up time to do.

I will be watching this with interest to see how your little one treasure goes. Take care xxx


----------



## GERTIE179

Hi,

I echo Flash & have had 3 periods of this over the last 11montgs. I went with it and it does ease but when you go back it can still feel like a huge step back but it's not really. Think younger and it helps knowing you're not spoiling them. 
Hugsx x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you so much Flash and Gertie, it's so helpful for you to have both shared your experiences. In'm sorry things are tough for you too, it's helpful to know we aren't the odd one out though. It's just draining isn't it. But you're right, think younger, I always forget as in so many ways she is so advanced really. But emotionally she's taken a battering poor little mite. She won't let daddy do any of the care at the moment and I'm so tired. And I think daddy is getting a little upset, although he hasn't admitted to this yet   DF's parents think it's nothing to do with adoption, that it's typical toddler behaviour and surely she remembers nothing but us. Then it makes me wonder if I am over analysing everything   But equally they don't know what we know adoption wise and also don't see the true behaviours we are currently experiencing, only me and DF are and I think to anyone else they simply wouldn't believe it as she's so angelic around people.

Flash I'm really sorry that you had to say no to littlies sister. I think you have been very brave, put your boys needs first and that shows true love. I do get that it's heartbreaking though, I feel that at the prospect already  

Early night for everyone I think. Currently getting some respite at the mother in laws, tea and biscuits help!


----------



## GERTIE179

Oh lack of sleep makes me a bubbling mess so don't feel bad. I get the ultra clingy waaaay more than DH and sometimes he forgets how draining it is - then when we have a bad period and he's about then he suddenly goes ahhh.

I agree there is a right difference - some of its toddlery but there's an intensity and odd feeling that you know is just not normal. But it does come good remember it's just a phase and when she feels settled again she'll be all like mum!!! Leave me be!! 
Lol x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Sending hugs   lovely you are doing an amazing job. Just remember that always x x x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Your an amazing mummy and never ever forget that. 

Big big hugs. 

You can have a real hug next month when we see you little pink and the other lovely lady (you know who you are) again. 
Xxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies   you make me   with your kind words. I'm having some self doubt issues this evening about whether I'm approaching things all wrong, but it's trial and error and a learning curve for all of us. Wouldn't eat any dinner. Just took it away and dinner was finished. Then later gave her some toast and she'll have bottle before bed. Daddy has helped at toast time as she doesn't play him up really. He said he needs to be there every time he works at home to get her used to him feeding etc. Big progress there. Bathtime now, hoping for a happy pink and no tantrums tonight...


----------



## Sq9

Sending big hugs lolly.  You are doing an amazing job.   You all get a good night sleep


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So second LAC review went really well. We talked through all the current issues and everyone saw it as a positive thing (although our SW did lecture me privately in the kitchen about not having enough (any!!) 'me' time!) They felt that from a bonding and attachment point of view it was great, and she is feeling safe enough with me now to start testing as she trusts me. She knows there will be no big repercussions because she is secure in Mummy's care. That made me feel a lot better. We also talked about the aftermath of Christmas and hoped that with return to normality and routine would see the return of a happy pink. Her behaviour lately has been a lot better, I think because of Mummy dealing with it better, the return of her calm routine and increased Daddy presence! Also have been seeing more of DF's family and she was taken to soft play by her Auntie, Uncle and cousin Saturday morning, a big first. I really missed her but it was good for everyone I think. She was however very clingy again yesterday and maybe it's because we had been apart, or maybe it's because she was tried. I really don't know and could second guess everything. She did follow me around a lot, cried if I left the room, sat between my legs to play and when I moved to the sofa she came and stood by me with her hand on my leg for quite a while. Today she has been great other than screaming for England when Daddy tried to feed her tea. In the end we abandoned the macaroni cheese and went for a fruit pot which she loves. You could see she was torn as so desperately wanted it. She did end up eating it all (between sobs) which is great progress, while I hid outside the door listening!! She had an hour of daddy time while I went back to zumba for the first time and it did them both a lot of good. 

So we have no news of a sibling and I am extremely relieved. My heart honestly does go out to you Flash. I don't know what happened, maybe SW's were really wrong, although I do know BM had a loss soon after little pink. I don't suppose we will ever know. The BIG news is we are meeting little pink's birth mother this week. We really want to do it (actually instigated it happening within the LAC review) but are incredibly nervous now times and dates have all been confirmed. Birth father has refused to attend. We have drafted some questions with the support of our SW and they want to get a picture of the three of us for little pink's life story book. We have been told to choose a recent photo to show but SWs think it would be a good idea to have it on a phone so she can't keep a copy. BM has bought a large Christmas present for little pink and we have been asked if we want to accept it. She's been told not to but they can't physically stop her. We think we will as it's for little pink, but will of course open it to make sure it's appropriate before storing in the loft for when she's older. They feel this will continue every year.

Anyway, that's it for now. Wish us luck, I think it will be an extremely emotional meeting and one I so desperately want to come out of feeling a sense of peace for all of us.


----------



## Sq9

you are all doing so well. Good luck meeting bm.  I'm sure it will mean so much to little pink when she's older to know you've met her xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you SQ  

So D-Day is looming and I'm nervous and anxious, yet strangely looking forward to it. Maybe to satisfy my curiosity, maybe to give her a sense of ease that we are good people and little pink is very loved, maybe so we have the memory to share with our daughter when she is older, or maybe simply so we can draw a line under it. Also today we received the date of the first hearing which is scheduled for March. It's all ticking along very nicely


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## gettina

Well done on a thriving little girl lolly, and a really positive lac review. And great news re march. 
Gettina


----------



## flickJ

Oh Lolly,

I am delighted for you and how well it is all going  

I can't believe how time has flown by and you have been a family for four months now, and come March, it will all be finally coming to a conclusion.

I do love reading your diary and wish you all the best for March


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies   March isn't too far away and it's lovely to have a date to work towards. I just hope they don't apply for leave to appeal, but watch this space I suppose...

So we have met birth parents now. Birth dad was there which was highly unexpected, but I'm glad he showed up on the day. It started with drama as we were supposed to arrive first and then leave first so that they didn't see our car. Little pink's SW was chaperoning then to and from the meeting too. Anyway as we turned into the street they were all stood in the entrance to the carpark 15 minutes early  Luckily they didn't bat an eyelid as we drove past and hid down the street waiting for our SW! We went in and the SWs made introductions. BM was really scowling (understandably really), avoiding eye contact and flicking her hair around. She thrust a present for little pink at me and I asked her whether she would like us to take it for little pink to open or whether she would like to open it now and show us. This thankfully seemed to do the trick and she was very happy to show us and the ice was broken. We talked about little pink's progress and showed some photos. She was giggling and asking whether we thought she looked like her. This had worried me as I didn't want to return home and see her birth parents looking back at me. Thankfully I can honestly say I didn't really see any similarities, but to be kind we said that she was petite like her and they both had long eyelashes. She seemed delighted and I'm glad we could do that for her. She said the settling in letter had made her sad but thanked us. We asked some questions and she was happy to answer then all. She clearly loves little pink and for that I'm so grateful. BD was quiet and it was suspected he had been drinking, but equally when prompted he did share a little about his hobbies and asked a question. We had a photograph taken of the four of us for little pink and then it was over. 

I think considering the situation we were in it went remarkably well. I'm so relieved it's over but so very happy we had this opportunity, for everyone involved. I was so glad to get home to our girl and gave her the biggest squeeze. She is just so precious to us  

Love to everyone


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You handled it all amazingly well done to you and DF. It must be overwhelming and such a mix of confused emotions for all involved x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks lovely! I know DF didn't sleep at all well the night before as he started overthinking it and just how surreal the concept all was. Luckily he did great, everyone there did, although as soon as I started talking I could hear my voice trembling! Just feels a massive weight has been lifted, and I never even knew it was there until now


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww I think that sounds like everything well as you could've hoped for - these situations are very difficult but you clearly have little pink interests first x x


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## Flash123

Lolly, I have nothing but the upmost respect for you and dp. Well done. What an amazing thing you have both done for your treasure . I can't imagine how emotionally draining the whole experience must have been for you both.xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks so much everyone   The entire meeting was only about half an hour but my goodness were we exhausted by the time we got home   Like you say, it's just emotionally charged and so draining. But poor DF didn't have much time to recover as he had an operation the next day!! Wow, what a crazy week!! xxx


----------



## Sq9

Well done lolly.  An amazing thing to do for little pink


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Long time no speak...  

Life is good and our little lady continues to develop amazingly well. She can make animal sounds now which is super cute, is doing all the actions along to incey wincey spider and twinkle twinkle little star and just understands everything! Daddy is delighted as he will say 'little pink do you want football?' and she'll nod and run to the tv   She is finally loving to be with the in-laws too. It took a while but really did it? She has been here five months now but was in foster care for twice as long. They had a big family and it took time for her to transfer those attachments over to others. Luckily with mummy and daddy it came quite quickly, we were very fortunate. 

We met with her foster carers for the first time today. It was at our house so she was in her safe place, had all her familiar toys and was comfortable. It seemed to work well. Time will tell. They were delighted to see her and bought her clothes and an easter egg! She was happy to continue to play and show toys but came back to mummy for a cuddle and few times. She also stood by the gate and had a little cry when I nipped downstairs. Luckily daddy was on hand to offer a squeeze! 

Less than two weeks until directions hearing now. Fingers crossed...

Love Lolly xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Oh, and the absolute BEST thing she's been doing lately is pointing to us spontaneously and labelling 'mama', 'daddy'   Just gorgeous!! She'll also then name herself and the cat


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

She's such a clever little girlie and a beautiful girlie at that. 

My little man can't wait to see his little girlfriend very soon x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

She's a super bright button xxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Emma, could we have the first FFs wedding on our hands?!!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'll dust off my hat   x


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

It's a possibility you know how they are when there together and whenever they see a pic or video lol. 
Xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Can you imagine we'd love it. I best get an invite by the way x x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Well obviously!! And the girls will be their best friends so will naturally be the beautiful bridesmaids!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

that would be the best day ever.   No pressure kids lol x


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## Sq9

Sounds amazing - you've all come so far and your hard work is paying off. Can't believe it's been 5 months. Wedding sounds fab


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Lots going on for us all at the moment which I hope to update you all with soon. But in the meantime we are all happily carrying on and little pink continues to thrive. We have been going to a sensory group for some time now and at first little pink stayed close to mummy and admittedly did look rather terrified at times! But the past couple of weeks her confidence has just snowballed and now she's up at the front copying the dances and actions of the lady who runs it. She's getting involved in all the play with instruments and puppets and even got a sticker the other day for a great solo dance in front of the class   The lady who runs it is a foster carer and knows our story, I think she has a soft spot for little pink!   Anyway she came to speak to me at the end of the last session and said how far she's come and how she's like a different child now, she said she was so proud of her, and mummy is too!

Directions hearing was this week and we're waiting to hear when final hearing will be! Very excited but a little nervous of all the appeals being granted lately. We have a SW visit next week and she's said if we haven't heard by then she'll be ringing the court within the session. We should know soon!

We've had a lovely time with DF's family lately and they do so much for us but I really get upset with them not listening to me when it comes to little pink and eating away from home. If we are going out I'll make her a packed lunch of familiar food and she knows her lunch bag and is quite happy. Grandma had her for lunch yesterday as Mummy had an appointment, I took the packed lunch but she insisted on making her something. She just smeared it in her hair for attention, threw it and basically ate nothing. She was given things she likes but because it was in a different bowl, different presentation its a no go and I've told her so many times   So grandma gave sweets and cake instead   I was there at that point and told her no but she overruled me and I had words as I just saw red! Grandma laughed   It's so hard when it's not your mum! Then we had tea at sister in laws, bad move eating out twice in a day, never again. She was given food that needed to be fed off a spoon, another thing she uses to exert control and I've said not to do it but sister in law works with children and knows best!! She screamed, threw it and didn't eat any. Auntie thought she had had a victory when she licked the spoon but I think she was desperately hungry by that point and just didn't know what to do   She refused yoghurt from her auntie but did eat it for mummy and then had 4 grapes and about 7 raisins. I know they think I'm being silly and she has to learn but it's just so distressing and it annoys me when they make out she's just a fussy eater but she's not at home, she eats loads! Being fed is partly trust and partly control with her and she let's mummy just fine!! I've asked Daddy to have a word if this comes up again because I just won't put us through it, especially when she's been up since 5 crying with hunger and we've been in the kitchen by half past having breakfast. I know my daughter and what is normal for her. I just don't think they get it. It got late and sister in law offered a bath at hers which I politely declined (didn't say last time she bathed there after a horrible nappy explosion she screamed at bathtime for a week!) Little things but we know our children. It's hard sometimes. Anyway rant over!

But generally things are great and these are small issues in our happy family life. Daddy is going self employed so he can dictate his own hours more and see his princess grow up without being stuck in an office at day  

Right, best sort this baby and first thing to do is wash last night's smeared dinner out of her hair


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs you must be shattered you poor thing x x


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww Lolly big hugs

I have similar things here and it drives me mad. I admit I'm a bit controlling but we the only ones that know the aftermath. If LM doesn't eat dinner then he's up several times during the night. My mum watched him fir a usual day last week but decided to take Alan out visiting her friend then her work - que LM shouting & crying in his sleep all night. They just don't get the reasons why we control. Ps it's not any easier being your own mum. If I get mad my in laws know they've overstepped my mum just goes in a huff as she's a baby whisperer with everyone else but that doesn't work with LM. 

X x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies! I must admit I do find it really insulting and disrespectful but trying not to dwell now, trying to see it as a learning curve for mummy to really lay down the law when needed. They hate her upset but inadvertently have caused a very distressed little girl who has been in floods of tears most of the morning. I will remember this and be even tougher next time (although firmly believe I shouldn't have to be  ) To the outside world its small things isn't it but to us and babies who still have certain trust and attachment issues they are pretty major in their little world. Routine is so important to children, especially those who have had to rebuild their lives once before already.

Gertie, poor little boy, I hope the upset resolved. Going back to work must be a major guilt trip and I really do sympathise with you having to leave him when I'm sure you just want to wrap him up and little longer   I also think it's hard to be tough when ultimately family are helping us out, as ever its a minefield


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Adoption is of course the best thing we've ever done, but today adoption land has worn me down   Just found out birth mother has applied for leave to appeal, cue a delay and a few weeks of worry and uncertainly. My rational brain tells me it's an inconvenience, nothing more. The mummy in me worries someone may come and take my baby away   Feeling overwhelmed today


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww big hugs Lolly x I know it won't stop the worry but it's very very unlikely to come I that horrid scenario x


----------



## Sq9

.  Nothing anyone can say will stop you worrying, but try and stick with your rational thoughts as much as you can xxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs little pink belongs with you try not to worry although I know that isn't possible.  Xxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies, I think I got caught up with little pink's social worker saying on numerous occasions there was no way she would try and appeal   I just feel so shocked and really upset after our successful meeting too. I do understand why but I am equally just angry with her. We received life story book today and I can't bring myself to look at it as I can't stand to see her right now, how bad is that?   This is the silent part of adoption, no one tells you about how hard it can be living in between worlds   I just want to be left alone now, I hate that I feel that way. I also hate that a social worker from our agency said 'it's only another four weeks to wait', you try it then, four weeks of worry and uncertainty. Feels like a lifetime away


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

I feel so incredibly hurt today   We have done everything we could to show empathy to birth mum, compassion towards her, met with her, reassured her, showed pictures and told her all she wanted to know about little pink. We have written her a well thought out settling in letter and have promoted her to family. And now she's using it all against us and saying all sorts of lies to try and get leave to oppose our order. I shouldn't be so trusting, I can't stop crying. My baby's future isn't in my hands any more, it once again sits with a stranger who I pray sees sense and let's her stay with mummy and daddy forever. I don't think this should be allowed, I'm so upset


----------



## crazyspaniel

Ah Lolly,
I'm sure it will be okay (easy for me to say I know)  
Hope you don't have to wait too long, hopefully this is just a blip on your journey x

Planet adoption can be very cruel


----------



## Flash123

Awwww lolly, I wish I could give you a real hug. This is so unfair and such a terrible situation to find yourselves in. It really makes my blood boil but sadly, in the world of adoption, it doesn't surprise me.  Try to re-read popsi's thread of bp being granted leave. Hopefully it will give a little hope. There were good, proper and right reasons for little pink to be given a new forever family and there would have to be some amazing change in circumstance relating to bm. To change her family They would also have to prove it would be in the bests interests of little pink and not have a negative impact on her well being - not a bloody chance!

You must feel like you have been used and betrayed. When you met with bm, I remember writing you a post saying I had nothing but respect and admiration for you and I still do. EVERYTHING you have done you have done for little pink and when this nightmare is all over and is a distant memory she will know what good people you and dh are.

Take care my sweet xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you so much Crazy and Flash   The support on there forums is amazing, from those who understand which counts for a lot. All the advice is so true, deep down in know it really but fear keeps taking over. I think the shock has hit me more than anything, we weren't prepared for this as all parties were adamant birth mother wouldn't have the capacity to try and contest, but she has. And I worry that because she's pulled something out the bag this time then what next?   No further news today, I don't know if that's good or bad? I so desperately want to speak with our social worker but next week is her eighth off on sick leave   I want this over and to be a normal family. This side of adoption is a scary place.

Love to all


----------



## Wyxie

Lolly, I'm so sorry that this is happening.  What a terrible situation.  Sadly, it's one that seems to be quite common at the moment.  I would advise calling the agency and asking to speak to your SW's manager.  In this situation you need direct support and advice, and someone to be liaising with child's SW and their legal team to find out what is going on.

The issue of capacity is a difficult one, but even if she did demonstrate she had the capacity to conduct court proceedings herself that's a million miles away from being able to demonstrate that she can parent a child, let alone that it would be right for your daughter to go back to her.  I know there's never 100% certainty in anything, and nothing anyone can say is going to make it any easier.  Thinking about you all at the moment and hoping the next few weeks pass as quickly as possible.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Wyxie, we're going to be making more calls Monday as I feel like we've just been delivered this bombshell, received a letter from the courts and have been left to fend for ourselves. That's no good to anyone as I'm sick with worry. I can't believe it's another four weeks to wait, I can't wait that long feeling this way as I'm already getting ill. My other half is getting annoyed with me as I keep seeking reassurance in him, I don't know where else to turn   Little pink  
has older siblings who are in long term foster care and see birth mum once a month, they won't be returning to her. Given this alone surly she can't have little pink going back to her? They are strangers, my daughter has never been in her care. How is this allowed?


----------



## Sq9

Unfortunately all this is possible because of a change in legislation a few years ago which means birth parents now get notice of the adoption hearing.  They never used to under the old legislation as a freeing order was the end of the road for them. All it does is give them false hope which is very unfair on them, and puts adoptive parents through hell.  Bm will have a very, very, very big mountain to climb to even begin to convince the court they should contemplate giving her any chance and it is one thing to be granted leave, but quite another to get any further than that.  When you speak to ss on Monday I would ask them whether they will pay for you to get legal advice and if they won't, push for it, even if it is just to speak to the local authority lawyer who is dealing with the case.  I think speaking to a lawyer who deals with this type of thing is probably the best way for you to get reassurance. I know it is way easier to say this than go through it, but try not to think of it as a 4 week wait, take it a day at a time and try as much as you can to keep doing the amazing job you have been doing since pink has been home.  You wouldn't be human if you didn't worry, but you and your other half are amazing and the best parents for little pink, so have confidence in that.  Sending you the strength to get through to the other side of this xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you SQ, what lovely reassurance   We have been told that placing authority's legal team is now involved but have no more information. We will be digging deeper on Monday to see what that involvement entails and what next steps are. I know our voice is through our representing social worker and team but I feel like everyone else gets a say and we are just sitting here worrying and waiting. DF is convinced this will not get the time of day and has looked online and said up to 50% of cases are now being opposed so we should have expected this. He also thinks that the courts would not waste their time and money on an appeal for a woman with so many ongoing difficulties. I desperately want to believe him but what do we really know?  Plus she's already been lying so will continue to do so I expect. I need to talk to people on Monday and try try try to stay calm as this will make me ill. I know it's all about being fair but honestly I don't think this is fair on us as a little family. Also small thing but the covering letter from the courts says the mother this, the mother that and refers to us as the adopters. No, I'm her mother, I'm the one who has been up at 6 comforting my teething baby. I just think this system is so cruel


----------



## flower power

Oh Lolly I can almost hear your pain in your last post. 
Why does everything have to be so bloody difficult and painful when all you want in life is a family?
I don't have any useful advice I'm afraid as we're only just staring out, but I've been following your journey and its so clear the love you have for your Little Pink, it shows in every post. 

I can't imagine how hard the next 4 weeks are going to be for you all, and 'try not to worry' is such a stupid thing to say. It doesn't sound like she's got a hope in hells chance of another go but that still doesn't make the situation any less stressful. 

One day at a time! 
Thinking of you. 
FP. X


----------



## Smudgey

Lolly , just caught up on this and have been in tears reading your posts , I can't imagine what you are going through with worry . Please try not to worry , I'm sure it will all work out . Just wanted to send lots of hugs to you all xxxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks so much again to everyone for their ongoing support   I'm still incredibly hurt, angry, anxious BUT reality has slowly started to creep back in and the reality is there are 101 reasons why little pink was removed from birth mother and will never be going back. Least is that birth mother is a stranger to my daughter and that they won't surely disrupt her again. That is without taking anything else in account. Have spoken to our agency today and they couldn't be doing more. Tomorrow we will hear from adoption manager at placing authority who will have legals take on things. As a responsible parent I will never send my daughter back to that environment and will fight all the way. Obviously hoping common sense prevails and this is thrown straight out of court. Also our social worker is due back at the end of this week, not a moment too soon!


----------



## Daddyboo (Paul)

Hi Lolly, I don't usually venture in to the 'diary' section - may be I should more often - anyway, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that all this is happening, I'll think positive thoughts for you.

I'm sure as sq9 states this is going to get more common, i'm surprised they are allowed to do this as 'fair' should work for both sides.  Yes BM should be able to contest, but that should be prior to intros starting, not when LO has been home for several months.

Sending you lots of love and hugs,

Paul xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Paul, everyone's support is amazing. I agree, I really don't think at this stage any of this is fair on adopters. Little pinks case has been to court three times before we met her, enough chances. Also when I break it down in don't think it's ethical to be giving vulnerable people like birth parents false hope. Last night I had our stand in social worker and little pinks social worker call, after hours and I really appreciated that as really it was above and beyond. The placing authority's legal team don't think there is a case for full appeal and don't think further action is needed at this stage. Hard because we are proactive people but great as they feel it's clear cut at this stage. Judge knows the family well from previous proceedings with siblings which is good and all the notes from the birth parent meeting contradict the letter which has been submitted so it's clear she's falsified information. Little pinks social worker and manager are going to visit birth mum as way of reassurance that little pink is thriving, settled, happy and very loved. I do think she will still attempt this appeal but hoping it is thrown out. Sounds positive for us but I won't have faith until I hear categorically. I won't have faith until she is all ours forever

Love Lolly xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Another call from little pink's social worker checking we're ok today. More reassurance and that she is fighting this all the way (if need be, let's hope she doesn't have too) We think our social worker is back on Monday at the latest too. Feeling much more 'normal'. Plus I didn't have any bad dreams last night, definite progress. Love my girl more than anything


----------



## AoC

Hang on in there, Lolly.  Hugs!  Take all and any support that's offered, and don't be shy of asking for more.  I'm glad your SWer agency are supporting you.  You ARE her mummy.  And you will be forever.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you AoC   You're right, I am her mummy! For a little while I just felt like a glorified babysitter   It broke my heart. But positive thinking is back and so is fighting for my family xxx


----------



## flower power

Good to hear things are sounding more positive. 
PMA all the way! 


You Are the Mummy! 
X


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Our social worker has returned from extended sick leave   We had a really good chat yesterday, I told her how much I've missed her!!   She made me feel so much better about a few things, the main one being all the trouble with birth mum. She's coming to see us the day after the deadline for her to submit her appeal request to court as hopefully we may know a bit more by then. I honestly think if she hadn't have been off I wouldn't have got myself in such a state. But oh well, it  is what it is and I'm just happy she's back. What a massive difference your relationship with your social worker makes


----------



## Flash123

Loll, I'm so pleased things are sounding better and much, much more positive. I know exactly what you mean about your sw, the relationship you build with them can be so important. We think the world of ours but she has been on long term sick since just before our issues and I have missed her dearly.

Take care xxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad you're feeling better about it all. You're a strong lady and a fantastic Mummy x x


----------



## Primmer

Lolly - so sorry you are having to go through all this stress and worry. It does sound like all parties concerned don't think bm will have any chance but horrible to go through. Do glad to hear your sw is back and that you are close as it will provide you with the reassurance and support you need. Sending hugs your way x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone, your support is second to none   We are still sitting back and waiting, it's hard but nothing we can do. I just keep reminding myself of all the reasons why leave to appeal can surely not be granted. I have managed to look at her life story book now without crying, definitely progress! The anger has subsided and I just feel a bit in limbo. I so want to be this little girls mummy in the eyes of society and the law. Of course in my heart I already have been for many many months   My whole world


----------



## AoC

You're doing great, Lolly.  Hang on in there!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you AoC  

So we are back to the mega clingy stage! It's like little pink is trying to claim me, we have a consistent 'my mama' to label and a constant need to try and climb me at the moment. If me and daddy have a cuddle she is melting down, crying, climbing, trying to push daddy away. We are trying to group hug but she's still unhappy, grabbing for me and kissing my face repeatedly. She's had a morning with daddy and loved it but is turning on the tears if she sees or hears me. Tried to stay away! She's happy to play with me or even alone if I'm at her level but heaven forbid I stand up or try and sit on the sofa to give my poor knees and rest! Daddy says to ignore the cries because I need to rest sometimes but how can I deny her when she's crying at my legs 'my mama'   I can't, it's obviously a need right now. Fun and games these babies!!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Little pink has just come and asked for help to get her fish puzzle out of the bag purely using Makaton signs! So proud


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So clever she's amazing x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So this week we have got the amazing news that the birth mother's right to appeal was refused and we at last have a date for the final hearing. Lots of tears, relief, happiness and kisses for our little pink have followed. I feel a massive weight has been lifted and as our social worker has said 'we're nearly there now'! So now we wait for the final hearing in just over 3 weeks time. What a fantastic week for our family it's been. Thank you all so so much for the amazing support xxx


----------



## GERTIE179

What excellent news :-D. Happy Easter x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Whoooooooo fab news x x x


----------



## Flash123

Fanbloodytastic news lolly. I'm so chuffed for you. At last common sense has prevailed.
Woooooohooooooooo xxxx


----------



## Jacks girl

Fab news Lolly thank goodness, have a relaxing bank
holiday xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you so much! We are just waiting for the official letter outlining the circumstances from the court, but the outcome is what's important. So delighted that it's been recognised that we are the best family for our precious pink. We love her so much!


----------



## crazyspaniel

Fantastic, so pleased for you


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Great news for your family!


----------



## Sq9

Whoop whoop lolly.  Just fabulous news


----------



## Jacks girl

-x-Lolly-x- said:


> Thank you so much! We are just waiting for the official letter outlining the circumstances from the court, but the outcome is what's important. So delighted that it's been recognised that we are the best family for our precious pink. We love her so much!


Awesome just awesome  congratulations xxx


----------



## Frangipanii

Brilliant news so pleased for you!!! Congratulations x x x


----------



## Wyxie

I'm so glad this has been resolved (relatively) quickly.  I can only imagine the relief you must be feeling right now.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you so much everyone. We are feeling extremely happy, relieved and just at peace. Roll on May when   the adoption order will finally be granted. Our girl ours always, and we'll be hers, perfect  

A busy time this end. Little pink is coming on leaps and bounds. My parents live away and see such a massive changes in her each visit. She makes me so proud. Yesterday we took her to her first easter party with all of daddy's family. It was lovely but of course everyone wanted a piece of her! She behaved appropriately and I was glad, although clearly a few of the older relatives were a little hurt. I try not to feel too guilty but it can be hard when they're been outright rejected. The foster carers also sent her an easter egg which was a lovely gesture.

We've also had a lovely day on grandma's narrowboat which she completely adored! She stood at the front looking at the sheep in the fields, feeding the ducks and pointing at the swans. It was a joy to see the wonder on her face. Sailing through the town it was like the queen had arrived!! She stood waving and shouting 'hi' while blowing kisses at all the people sat outside enjoying ice creams. She certainly makes the world smile  

Her speech and language is coming on so much now, her understanding is scarily good! Her single words are really coming now and I thought it would be nice to record them, after all one day I hope to print and bind this diary and give it to her as a special gift   So here we go...

Bir (bird), buh (book), goh (gone), fra (frog), turtuh (turtle), dow (down), baba (baby), nana (dinner), duuuu (juice), booh (book), dodo (dummy), poh (pop), bohboh (bottle), gada (grandad), wacwac (quack quack meaning duck!) We have hi, bye, mama, go, daddy, teddy, ta, bubble, more, ball, car and a variety of signs and animal noises nailed now though! l just adore this stage!!

Groups start again after the holidays this week and I'm glad we'll have some structure to our days back. She's completely over the chickenpox too so we haven't missed out. 

Lots happening and I'll update again soon, love to all


----------



## Daddyboo (Paul)

That's great news Lolly, I'm glad it's finally all slotting into place.

Lots of love to you and your family.

Paul x


----------



## Loobys

Hi lollys

I've just had a quick catch up on your diary and my old diary while having sleepy snuggles before bed x glad little pink doing well xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So today the adoption order was granted and we learnt that little pink is all ours forever and ever, we will be her forever Mummy and Daddy   She is our princess, our beautiful baby girl who was meant to be, we were all meant to be together. I suppose now is a good time to add she is going to be a big sister to a little blue one. This baby is arriving at slightly different way as I am one of those crazily infuriating people who adopts and gets pregnant. But I firmly believe it's all because of my little pink, I think being a mummy to her cured an illness so deep, one no medicine could help. It's not been plain sailing and I admit to crying for my daughter when we found out. How would this impact her little world? How would she feel when she learns of the different ways her and her brother entered our lives? How will we cope with two such little people? Can I give her enough? But with the support of family, friends and our social workers we can and will do it. We are currently in and out of hospitals with an array of problems but the love from my girl pulls me through and I know she has blessed our lives in so many ways. Today is a good day, today and forever more she is our daughter xxxxx


----------



## Flash123

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
Firstly woooohoooooo and huge congratulations on becoming a forever family and putting all that crap behind you. You are meant to be and mother universe/god or whoever you believe in has brought you all together. Amazing.

Secondly OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG - I just don't know what to say other than it is utterly fantastic. A baby brother for little pink - fanbloodytastic. I am truly thrilled for you, mr lolly and more importantly little pink. Take care lolly xxxx


----------



## Frangipanii

Congratulations!!!!!!!! Amazing . Love to you all ! ! !


----------



## crazyspaniel

Wow lolly, many congratulations for all your lovely news!!


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Well you already know how over the moon I am for you and your beautiful family. 

Little pink is a beautiful little girlie that I love to bits and so does my little man. 

You have 2 miracle babies and you deserve it so much. 

I've had the pleasure of spending lots of time with you and little pink and Ofcourse our other beautiful friend and I've also been able to feel little man kick and I'm so so so excited for you all little pink will be a fabulous big sister.

We love you all loads but you already know that. 
😘😘😘😘😘😘


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you everyone for the love and well wishes. You're all inspirational ladies who've got me through to our happy ending today  

Aww Em, we love you too! Your support is amazing and your boy is majorly beautiful   Little pink certainly thinks so   Thank you for everything you do


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

And thankyou too my lovely your an amazing support xxx


----------



## Wyxie

Congratulations.  Incredible news all round.

Wyxie xx


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww fabby news & wowsers on the surprise front! I'm sure lil pink will just take if her stride with her wonderful mummy and daddy to guide her through it. Hope you are keeping well
X


----------



## Mummy Noodles!

Congrats. Lolly..what a lovely, inspiring story!!! So happy for you and your forever family! 


Noodles xx


----------



## Sq9

OMG lolly - simply amazing news all round  .  Little pink will be the most amazing big sister.  Congratulations to you all.  Take care


----------



## Daddyboo (Paul)

Congratulations Lolly that's amazing news, if you need anything you know were we are xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Massive thank you again for all the lovely messages, they mean so much to us as a family, you have no idea


----------



## Smudgey

Just caught up on this news ! Omg ! Absolutely thrilled for you all Lolly    ! Xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## AoC

HUGE congratulations on becoming a forever family after everything you've been through!  So wonderful to know the AO is sorted and your lovely little girl is yours forever - just where she is meant to be.

And HUGE congratulations, too, on your pregnancy!  I hope the medical woes are manageable, and I'm sure your little boy will hang on in there long enough.  

And I'm sure that you'll be a wonderful mummy to them both.

(And I don't hold it against you for being one of *those* adoptive mummies!   )


----------



## Handstitchedmum

A family is a family, no matter how it is made.   Congratulations to you two and lil pink, for growing to include lil blue! I hope it all goes smoothly and safely for you both.


----------



## gettina

Double congratulations lolly.

I'm sure little pink will simply know she and her bro are loved by their mummy and daddy because both will be clearly treasured by you guys.

Much love Gettina


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you so much everyone, your posts have brought tears to my eyes (no its not the hormones!   ) We are very proud of both our children, and while I know there may be tough times ahead we hope little pink will always feel secure in the knowledge that she is our beautiful princess who lights up our world. We chose her and her us. It was meant to be. Baby blue is just a surprising cherry on top of an already well iced cake  

We had our goodbye visit from our social worker yesterday. It was bittersweet as I'll genuinely miss her so much. She's been part of our lives for over two years now and while I know it's been in a professional capacity, I'll miss her popping in and making herself a coffee before settling down for a chat   So hoping she can make the celebration day, she said she'll be there assuming it doesn't clash with her holiday. Now what are the odds of that happening...


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You know I'm thrilled for you.  2014 is for families of 4. Em get your application in for number 2   he he he xxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Haha mummy DIY I don't think so little man is enough for me for now!!!!!  xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Yes!!! I most certainly second this Emma   Yay, we're all forever families


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ha ha Em you know I'm joking.  I know can't believe it. All this time and we're finally all there. Xx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

I know you are sweetie, 
Never say never hey  xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

group hug ladies!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So its nearly the day of the celebration hearing and I am so excited yet so nervous. Excited because it's the day I've dreamt of for so long. Excited because all our family will be there to celebrate. Little pink has a gorgeous new outfit, we've arranged a family friendly pub lunch after and ordered a pink butterfly cake! We've got a present for our social worker who has done so much for us and just can't wait for our happy ever after with our girl. I'm nervous because I'm terrified I might not make it. Please don't get me wrong, for years I wanted so desperately to be pregnant, and I'm just incredibly blessed it happened, but it's been the hardest thing I've ever done, and that says a lot!! I have been in hospital again recently and fear it may happen again   I hate being away from little pink. She copes so well but I'm heartbroken each time. I feel guilty I can't lift her, take her in the pushchair for walks or drive her somewhere special. I hate being reliant on others to do a lot of the care, but know how lucky we are with our support network. It's a mixture of emotions. I am determined to make it to court, to have an uneventful day and just focus on my daughter, she more than deserves it. Baby blue better keep on behaving! It's his turn today and Thursday to get the glory as we have hospital appointments. But Friday is all about a very special little girl, our little pink   xxx


----------



## crazyspaniel

How exciting lolly, hope you have a great day  

I know it's very different but I remember how hard it was putting ds second during our long journey to find dd....
You really are pulled in two different directions  
As I'm sure you realise it doesn't get any easier, I put myself through so much guilt about both my children, I remember thinking it would be fine because I would have plenty of time with dd when ds was at sch and then I could spend time with him.... That really doesn't work but I'm hoping in time when dd is more secure she will allow me to have a conversation with her brother!

Hopefully your little blue will be a dream baby when he arrives  
Xx


----------



## Sq9

xx


----------



## Frangipanii

Major love to you lady. You must be exhausted.  But as always coping marvellously. Amazing and inspirational. I will keep my fingers crossed for baby to stay put and for the celebration hearing to go ahead!! 
Xxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you all so much for the support and crazyspaniel I really appreciate you sharing your experiences  

Ladies, guess what happened.... little pink's celebration hearing was yesterday at 10 o'clock and baby blue made his grand entrance at 9.23....   Unbelievable!   But court were wonderful and have agreed to rearrange. Pink and Blue have had two meetings, little pink said 'baby' and signed 'sleeping'   It went well, my two babies


----------



## Loopylou29

Congratulations, hope all is well


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Can't wait to see you xxx


----------



## GERTIE179

Oh wow oh wow. Huge congratulations but lots of wishes for baby blue too and that you are keeping well and as sane as you can through it all.
X x


----------



## crazyspaniel

Ah fantastic news, hope you are both well xx


----------



## Sq9

Congratulations lolly   . Hope you are all ok and enjoy getting to know baby blue.  I'm sure little pink will make the most amazing big sister


----------



## Frangipanii

Oh Lolly. I am over the moon that baby blue is here and well. What a wonderful arrival.  Amazing just amazing!!!! Love to you all!!!!!! 
From the four of us to the four of you!!!!! Xxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Yay you updated wahoo. 

Congratulations honey he's soooooo beautiful just like his big sister. 
Can't wait for cuddles and to give you a massive hug too. 

Love you lots xxxxx


----------



## Forgetmenot

Congrats x lots of love xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Oh wow, happy birthday baby boy.


----------



## flickJ

Congratulations to you all on the arrival of your special bundle of joy, and his special sister


----------



## Flash123

Wooooohoooooo wow, I wasn't expecting to pop on and read that lolly. Fantastic news. I am thrilled that baby blue is here, safe and sound. A wonderful addition to your precious and cherished family. Take care xx


----------



## Wyxie

What lovely news, congratulations.  

As for the hearing, it's a shame, but I think it might be nice for little pink to have a day that will be all about her after the arrival of baby blue, to show her how special she is despite the arrival if another baby.

All the best,  

Wyxie xx


----------



## crazyroychick

Congrats Lolly, what lovely news    xx


----------



## Jules11

Wow,  that really was a celebration day. 

Big, big big congratulations.  Hope your children    are happy and healthy.  You deserve all the happiness your little family will bring.

Jules xxx


----------



## gettina

Many many congratulations to all of you lolly. 
Gosh, he really couldn't wait to meet you all could he?! 
I hope little pink is a happy big sis and enjoys a day all about her in the future.
Gettina


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you everyone   I agree with a couple of the comments and celebration day should be little pinks day before baby comes home. Make a big fuss of her and lots of attention. She's coping wonderfully so far but we're only on day 7. Tonight I'll be home early to do tea, bath and bed and will have the morning with her tomorrow. She's visited her brother a few more times but it's a very sterile environment here and she gets a little unsettled pretty quickly which is of course totally understandable. She went to kiss baby blue yesterday but pulled away last minute whimpering and saying no no no. We'll go at her speed and treat this time like introductions. But she's sleeping through and eating well, but is more cuddly, again, understandable. My children are my world, so proud of them both. And oh so tired


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs babe you must be shattered xxxx


----------



## Daddyboo (Paul)

Just wanted to pop in and congratulate you Lolly, I can't believe how excited you and your family must be.

If there's anything we can do let us know, we're not too far away.

Sending lots of hugs and all our love  .

Paul x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Paul, that's very kind. Luckily all our family are rallying sound so fingers crossed we'll stay above water! But lovely you thought of us  

Life remains hectic, lots of trips to the hospital, juggling two children with very very different needs, teething, groups, expressing breast milk, cooking, trying to keep things 'normal' (who the hell am I kidding!   ) Little pink is unsettled. Of course she is. I'm trying so hard to be there for every bath and bedtime, to do something lovely with her every day. Give her lots of love and cuddles. But it's hard. She's very clingy and tearful. I feel awful but I don't know what I'm supposed to do? Little man is doing very well, we hope he'll be home in a week or two, although will need to be readmitted when a little bigger for some routine surgery. One day I'll look back at this and laugh


----------



## GERTIE179

Aww big hugs - I can only imagine how tough things are. If it's any help - a FF friend is finding her eldest girl struggling with the baby (both BC) and been very teary & clingy. When they're so young they just don't yet understand about sharing mummy.

Hopefully once little blue is home things will get easier in your routine.
X x


----------



## Sq9




----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Sending big big hugs sweetheart. 

Little pink will be just fine she's a tough little girlie and will be great. 
And as for little boy blue he's doing so well he's a little fighter and amazing like his big sister. 
Can't wait to see you all. 
Love you tons xxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Huge hugs babe you're doing amazing.  You'll all be home together soon keep focusing on that xxx


----------



## Flash123

I can't imagine how tough it is lolly but you sound like you are doing an amazing job - well done. As diva says, not long now until your precious family are all together and 'normality' can resume (ha ha ha who am I kidding - it will be manic and simply wonderful. Just how family life should be)

Take care xxx


----------



## Primmer

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job! You must be exhausted. It will be easier when little blue can come home


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Baby blue came home last weekend. Little pink has regressed. I feel guilty, I've upset all my baby girl knows and loves. But I know we'll got there. At the moment we're choosing our battles and slowly seeing little improvements. Love her so much. And my precious boy. Sleep deprivation is a killer but my god I know we are blessed


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

You're doing an amazing job xxx


----------



## GERTIE179

Yeah for baby boy being home. Baby girl will get there. Hugs & hope the sleep gets better - I know it's a killer x x x
You're doing amazing! X


----------



## crazyroychick

Great news baby blue home and little pink will get there, big hugs for your wee happy family xx


----------



## Sq9

You're doing amazing lolly. Having a baby brother or sister is a big adjustment for any little person - she'll soon adjust and will be an amazing big sister.  Hope you get more sleep soon. Take care of yourselves


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you all so much for the kind words and reassurances  

little pink is so much better! The past 4 days or so have seen a turn around and she is mainly back to my happy well behaved princess. She is accepting daddy more and allowing me to quickly leave a room without her. She smiled at the man behind the desk at soft play and said bye bye to a lady as we walked to the park. Last week anyone else coming close resulted in a meltdown. She is getting used to having her baby brother at home and constantly says 'baby here' and looks into his moses basket! When I feed him I get her doll and bottle out too so she can be like mummy. She allowed me to feed him yesterday while she played which was fantastic. Just so long as when I'm done I give her lots of fuss. We're getting there!


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

We finally have a date for little pink's celebration hearing take two!! So excited!! Also our social worker is coming to visit this week, her words were 'I know technically we're not involved any more but I want to meet your son'   Bless her!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Yay to celebration take two xx


----------



## Primmer

I am sure celebration hearing will go ahead this time and with two little bundles of joy! how lovely of your sw too.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks guys! Our lovely social worker came today, she's more like a friend now and we'll all miss her lots. Celebration day next week and I'm so excited for little pink to have her special day  

My girl is amazing. She tires me out something chronic but I'm so proud. She's hitting the terrible twos so we're having to keep a step ahead but it's nothing we can't handle and very age appropriate. She's stringing words together consistently now and using a combination of words and signs to form short sentences. This morning she did a little tiny poo on the potty! She's growing too fast! She's getting better with her baby brother, she kisses and cuddles him, we just have to be careful as she can get a bit over excited with him! They shared their first bath yesterday and it was too cute!

We took her to a garden party on Sunday and she was in her element, dancing with all the little old ladies who were totally charmed by her, going down the bouncy castle slide on my lap, feeding the animals they had on their land and just generally smiling and laughing the whole time. She did us so proud especially when someone said to my mum what a lovely family she had!

We're meeting her foster carers in a couple of weeks at a big park for a picnic. I can't wait for them to see how much she's grown and developed. She's a lovely little girl. And just as I've written this she's run in, sat on my lap and planted two big kisses on my lips. I'm a lucky mummy!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

They are both super gorgeous xxx


----------



## Sq9

Amazing


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Two beautiful babies and a wonderful mummy. 

I have seen poo evidence thanks for the pic lol xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Celebration hearing tomorrow! Well, celebration hearing take two! It's no wonder I went into labour last time, I've been running around like a mad woman and this time I have two children I need to organise  I've defrosted the cake and changed the date by re-icing! It's not great but it'll be ok! Have got our family's and social worker's gifts ready and have printed a few poems. This is a lovely one I've only come across this week:

Adopted children are special and have a special family tree, 
Those who don't know may think the same as you or me, 
But there's something underneath that makes theirs unique.

Above ground where everything can be seen, 
The branches look the same, the leaves a similar green, 
But underneath it all is a special set of roots.

Those roots are important, they're from a different name, 
It's not something to hide away or something to shame, 
Because its something that makes their roots very special.

Adopted children should feel their roots helping them stand tall, 
For without roots even the strongest trees fall, 
They should known their roots for they're rooted in love.

_Russell Elkins_

So hopefully there will be no dramas tomorrow (  ) and we will finally have little pink's extra special day, where the judge will tell her and all her family how loved she is and how she is staying forever and ever


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Whoooooooooo have a wonderful day babe xxxx


----------



## Flash123

Beautiful lolly.
wishing you and your dear family a simply wonderful day. Enjoy every moment xxx


----------



## Sq9

That's a beautiful poem.  Have a fabulous day


----------



## crazyroychick

Have a lovely day with your amazing little family xx


----------



## Keeping busy

Lolly I hope you had a wonderful day on Friday, I bet it was really special xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks everyone! We had a fantastic day! We actually managed to leave the house on time which was a massive achievement in itself   Little pink looked so beautiful in her pink dress, white sparkly cardigan and her sandals with the big bows on! We arrived at the court and I redid her hair! We met our lovely social worker in the café for coffee and little pink ran around with her cousin giggling away! She then managed to get wedged quite firmly between a window and pillar and had a little scream but mummy to the rescue....   We were called up to the 7th floor and little pink loved the view, pressing her nose against the glass! Our social worker took pictures of us outside the courtroom and again once we were inside and seated. The judge came in and was just a lovely kind man. He involved our 9 year old niece by getting her to introduce everyone and then he made a fuss of little pink. He said he was delighted to finally meet her and she was very special. The judge has been involved with the birth family for many years and he was happy to see such a positive ending. He was so pleased to see baby blue and told us all about his children and grandchildren and said he had lots of admiration for us with two under 2   He spoke about the appeal and how we must have been shocked and upset after such a positive birth parent meeting. He really knew the family and case and I got the impression that he would never have considered awarding leave to appeal but equally would have been kind towards birth mum. He gave little pink a special certificate and she got a present from our social worker. Then he asked if she would like to sit in the big chair on the stand. Me and daddy went too and she had to sit on my lap as no one could see my dink behind the big desk! We had lots of pictures and she waved to everyone and blew kisses to the judge! She even put her feet up on his desk, getting a bit too comfy if you ask me!   At the end he wished us well and said he might see us again for number 3   He was just a happy twinkly man  

After we chatted to our social worker and promised her we would send photo and email updates! We'll see her at the Christmas party. I'm glad not all ties are cut. She's been in our lives nearly 2 1/2 years now and helped us to be a family. We owe her a lot and she feels like a friend almost so I'll really miss her visits.

Then we went to a family pub where a few more joined us. Little pink played with her cousins and got lots of attention from all. She gave out cards to family with special messages we had written, along with a photo and 3 adoption poems. Then got told off for making so many people cry   After the staff bought out her sparkly pink butterfly cake that we had frozen! I managed to re-ice the date and it was actually lovely. She cut the cake with a little help from mummy and we all thought about just how blessed we are this little princess came into our lives.

So that's it. It's over. She is ours and more importantly we are hers. It feels complete and I feel at peace. But really all this is far from over. Really this is the start and life is only just beginning....


----------



## Keeping busy

Beautiful


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwwww such a lovely update. 

Love you guys loads and can't wait to see you soon. 
Xxxxxx


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So beautiful xxxxx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

I felt like I was in a Disney movie reading that!  magical Xx


----------



## Frangipanii

Amazing to read!! Congratulations x love to you all x x


----------



## Sq9

Sounds like little pink's day was amazing.  Congratulations


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So little pink has now been at home longer than she was in foster care   We celebrated by meeting up with her foster carers!   Only the second time we've met in person but couldn't have gone better really. She was friendly yet shy, playful yet clingy. Very appropriate all in all! They were delighted to see her and clearly still have a lot of love for their first foster baby. But I don't feel at all threatened any more. She is poles apart from the baby we met, she is now a toddler, a proper little girl. All in all we had a lovely time!


----------



## Smudgey

Hi Lolly ! Just catching up as I've been AWOL for a long time ! Fabulous news and congrats on baby blue huni xxxxxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well a year ago today I finished work to start adoption leave, bubbling with excitement at the prospect of meeting our little pink in 3 days time! How on earth has it been a whole year?! But in equal measure it feels like she's been here forever. My baby is now a happy chatty toddler, fiercely independent, way too intelligent for her own good, social, beautiful and full of endless energy. She's also entered the terrible twos...   But I genuinely believe all her behaviours are very age appropriate and part of normal development rather than anything adoption related at this stage. I have started calling nurseries in preparation for her free sessions in January, and also my return to work in May. I feel excited for her, I think she is ready and will really enjoy it. My struggle is choosing the right one. My role sees me working in many of these nurseries so I get to see 'behind the scenes' so to speak and it's not always a good thing. Anyway, mummy hat back on, I'm planning to do the rounds and see what feels right for meeting my daughter's needs. Can't believe she's getting so grown up. She's even moving into her 12-18 month clothes, slowly but surely


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

A year today since our beautiful daughter came home forever. She's my shadow, my mini me, my  little buddy, my heart and soul and along with her brother completes our world. We're so very lucky! I can't believe it's been a whole year, but equally I can't remember a time without her here. My baby is growing up and i'm so very proud  

Love you my little pink xxx


----------



## becs40

Ah lolly congratulations! What a truly lovely post to read.
We hear so much negativity through social services throughout assessment and then as with most things in life on forums people tend to most more negative than positive. Obviously because when things are good you're off enjoying them and post when things are tough for advice and support. So it's lovely to hear the positive. Huge congrats again. X


----------



## Forgetmenot

Lolly just lovely x so nice to see such a positive side, and how very special your little girl is x
Here's to the very exciting beginnings xx


----------



## Sq9

Lovely post lolly.  Can't believe it's been a year


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Ah thank you ladies   Don't get me wrong, life is pretty hard (isn't it for everyone?!) and she can drive me mad (can't all 22 month olds?!)   But I wouldn't change a thing, never ever ever! I am so proud of my resilient little girl, I love what adoption has done for us


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Wow, the terrible twos are pretty darn terrible!!   That is all.....


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Well we've just got back from the most fantastic family holiday   I took my babies down to where I grew up (moved north with the other half 6 years ago!) It's a very long drive with two tinies so we drove at night so they would sleep. We were exhausted but it worked well. I haven't been home since little pink came into our world. We were meant to earlier in the year but baby blue put in his appearance and life got too hectic. So it was wonderful taking her down to meet all my friends, they adored her! And baby blue did lots of gurgly smiles to make sure he got some attention too! The kids coped amazingly well with the upheaval and we enjoyed days at the beach and petting zoo, went swimming, to the park and shopping, ate out and mummy and daddy managed our first date night in months while granny and grandad babysat. We were just so busy though we're all shattered. I'm still only half dressed   

We came home to a letterbox from birth mum. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to read it after such a long drive and it being so late. I was worried it would be upsetting and keep me awake. But I couldn't not so we read it and what a pleasant surprise. It is very appropriate, very thankful to us as parents and basically short and sweet. She's obviously had help but that's fine. After all the appeal lies and upset I'm very happy. We are waiting to hear back from siblings but apparently they can't currently locate birth dad so he hasn't received his letter from us yet. Even if he does I don't think he'll reply. But I'm glad little pink has a nice letter from birth mum to look back on in years to come. It signs off 'Looking forward to your letter next year' so I think it will all continue fine. MIL not best pleased, still thinks we should cut all contact as she is ours now, but not going down that road with her for the hundredth time!!

She starts nursery next week. I'm actually not at all nervous now. She's so ready and in the last couple of months her confidence has blossomed. I think she'll have a fantastic time. And then very shortly after my baby pink will be 2   How did that happen?! We've got her lots of happyland because she's ready for more small world play now. Can't wait to see her face and get the candles on the cake!

Behaviour wise she's a lot better. We had a horrendous week about 3 weeks ago but she's out the other side. For now. We are already so similar that I think we clash a little. Plus we are together all the time, it's bound to happen. Often I feel I need a break, but I always miss the kids after an hour or two, can't win! They've still never stayed a night away from me or daddy, don't think I could do it... actually the thought of a lie in says I could


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Little pink has started nursery and I think I was a little naive thinking how well she would settle and how much she would love it. It's still very early days but for now she's struggling. Lots of crying, unsettled sleep, clinging, panic   I feel so terrible right now and am dreading tomorrow. I know she'll settle but my god do I hope it's quickly. Feeling a very bad mummy tonight


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs you're doing amazing xx


----------



## Sq9




----------



## crazyspaniel

Good old mummy guilt.....
 hope she settles soon x


----------



## gettina

Oh god lolly it must be so upsetting. I hope she settles really soon.
My lb starts aged 18 months in dec and am soooo dreading it. He's quite clingy generally at the mo and while long term I'm v happy for him to be going a couple of days a week I am v worried about the short term. Don't know how I'm going to concentrate at restarting work! And I didn't think of it affecting sleep. 
Sorry - hijacking your diary.

Let us know how you all get on. Fingers crossed.
Lovely to hear about your holiday. 
Gettina


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks ladies! Definitely mummy guilt!! It's not nice is it.....

Well some progress (you'll be very happy to hear Gettina!) First week was pretty awful, lots of tears and tantrums, waking at night sobbing and I was really starting to panic I had damaged my little girl forever.... ok, a little dramatic but you know what I mean! Anyway on Monday she ate a little dinner at nursery, for little pink this is a massive achievement. On Wednesday while she cried at her peg she had stopped the full belly sobs by the time we got into the room and did (very begrudgingly!) go to her key worker to make a Robin! She also had her face painted, a big sign of trust. The staff say that she's quiet but is joining in and they're really pleased with how she's getting on. Phew!! Hopefully in a couple of weeks the tears will have stopped. And then it'll be me crying that she doesn't 'need' me any more   We actually went to a group together this morning and when we got in the car she looked at me questioningly and asked 'nursery?' Bless my girl!

We've had a birthday, it was such a special day and we had a little tea party with family. She loved us singing happy birthday and blew out the candles on her cake before looking at me and saying 'more birthday', so we had to sing all over again! It was adorable when she clapped along giggling! She's so loved by all the family, a truly special little pink who makes me laugh, drives me mad and fills my heart with joy


----------



## Frangipanii

Lolly, you write with so much love and such a need to be everything to you dd. you are amazing and I think you need to realise that you are providing her with the most important thing in the world and that is your heart. she could not be a luckier little girl. 
xxxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Fran you make me   Thank you so so much, what a beautiful thing to say   Me and DF were talking the other day about whether we believed in soulmates and how I truly think she is mine. She is my mini me, we are so similar is crazy. It means we clash and wind each other up something chronic, but also that we laugh at the same things, enjoy the same activities and even share a same favourite dinner   Our son is truly a miracle but I firmly believe it was our daughter who turned our world around. Love our babies (although I'm constantly exhausted!!)


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

So our second Christmas with little pink, and our first with baby blue has been and gone. It's 2015 and I'm sat contemplating the times gone by and the coming year. Little pink is amazing but demanding. It's all pretty typical for both her age and the fact a little baby came and invaded her world. She is very accepting now of baby blue, will give him a toy, a kiss, stroke his head. It's taken a white but melts my heart to see. He adores her. It's funny to think she has biological brothers out there. We received Christmas cards through letterbox from them signed 'your eldest brother xxx', or 'love your 6 year old brother xxx'. I just kept thinking, no, baby blue is her brother. The non biological sibling she is growing up with. It's strange. 

We recently met with her foster carers and they continue to adore their first foster baby. She hasn't a clue who they are but loves extra people to play with and is very accepting, well, most of the time! She is scarily switched on, just goes to show that in this case nurture beat nature. Sadly her birth siblings all require support to varying degrees with their learning and it brings it home how unnecessary it all is. How things could have been so different for them. They suffered through the environment in order for our daughter to be removed at birth and to thrive. It makes me sad and thankful to them on a strange level. I feel guilty too but it's the way it is and nothing can ever change that now.

She's increasing her hours at nursery next week and just loves it now. I'm so glad she's ready. She asks to go and cried on a Saturday when we walked past and it was closed! How times have changed!! She loves to socialise and learn, she soaks it all up and is fascinated in the world around her. It makes it easy for me really! I love picking her up and having the big run and hug and shouts of "mummy back, home, bye bye nursery, see you soon!" 

Baby blue is finally doing better, it's been a long tough road but just like his sister he's a fighter and can overcome adversity. I know he will thrive in time. My two very special children amaze me every day. I am happy, exhausted, content, stressed, settled, thankful, and very blessed. Happy New Year everyone


----------



## Frangipanii

What love and passion you have for your beautiful children x x happy new year x x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Today part of our family was taken away from us, our beautiful little kitty Tia. My poor daughter is far too young to understand yet waits for her to come home for 'ninny' (dinner). I've told her the car made Tia poorly so she's gone to be a star in the sky to feel better. It's so hard as I've just told her not to drink the bath water as it might make her poorly, now I'm thinking she'll worry she's going away too. She seems fine for now but I have to stop crying, she doesn't like 'mummy sad'   Eugh, Friday 13th was a bad one here


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So sorry huge hugs xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

So so sorry sweetheart. 
Big hugs coming your way. Xxxxxx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Oh no :-( much love from us


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you so much. The grief is awful but this time I don't feel as empty. That's obviously not to say I didn't love her just as much as Billy but we have our children now. They need me and I have to be strong for them. So this morning little pink has helped to make chilli for tea and after nap time we're baking buns. Baby blue is weaning and the dietician has given us a strict routine so I've been kept on my toes. In between I've been sad and teary, god I loved that cat so much, but no more pets. Not yet anyway. They were sent to us to love, grow and nurture as surrogate children. And now we have our children so it seems their work is done and they had to leave. It's desperately awful and maybe one day we'll get a dog but for now I'll keep my furry babies both in my memories and will be forever grateful for the love they brought when it was so needed xxx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

My first mother's day with my two babies and my completed family, who would ever have thought... I know I'm a very lucky lady. Happy Mother's Day to all the yummy mummies and mummies to be xxx


----------



## Frangipanii

They are also very lucky, a special family for a special lady x x


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Things are generally going well...

Little pink is toilet trained now, she has only had four accidents since starting so I'm very proud. She is finally starting to talk at nursery and show them what she can do, it's taken 6 months but on a 1:1 with her key worker she was able to talk about some animals and later do some play with shapes. She is such a bright spark, she counts to 10 and knows all her colours. Her language is amazing, I really am very proud of her desire to learn and ability to soak it all up. She's still a dink in 12-18 month clothes and we are having some eating issues again at the moment, but it's all pretty typical stuff so hopefully we'll come out the other side soon. I'm back to work a week Tuesday and have tried to explain. At first she was a bit upset but in all honesty I think she'll be just fine. I'm so ready to get back to work now, just three days though, otherwise I would miss my babies too much!

Baby blue is doing fab at long last. He's been my complex child, the birth child. You never can tell can you? But he's finally eating well, he's passed his milestone check for adjusted age with flying colours and is saying mama and dada. It's very strange to think he's now the age little pink was when we met her.

It's been so tough, I love my kids with all my heart but I wouldn't have planned it like this. Having said that I wouldn't change a thing either. Funny how life pans out. On tough days with two tiny ones I must admit I can lose sight of just how lucky I am, but when I stop and think about our journey I know we are blessed. Next challenge is to strengthen me and DFs relationship. Not that we are in a bad place, we're just so busy we've lost any us time. It hit home when we both totally forgot our anniversary. So we're planning a meal together soon and hopefully a weekend away at some stage. It's easy to let things slip but time to get some of our relationship back and not just be mummy and daddy.

Anyway, that's all for now, love to you all xxx


----------



## Emma-is-a-mummy

Awwwww what a lovely update honey. 

Your babies are amazing and I love them to bits  your a fabulous mummy never forget that. 

I totally understand the needing time away from being mummy and daddy it does you the world of good hopefully you'll be able to do it more often soon. 

Love you lots honey xx


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Wow it's been ages since I updated! Life is busy busy but that's just how I like it! Things are generally all good and life rushes by. Little pink says 'I be three on my birthday'... how did that happen?! She's just gone into a big girls bed and so far I'm delighted with how she's doing. I waited until she was more than ready and so far it's working. She still has a dummy at night so that's the next step. I'm in no rush though. She never has it in the day, is fine to put it away each morning and her speech is crazy good so why create an issue where there isn't one? And this comes from a speech therapist!!   Don't tell....   

At the moment I'm so in love with watching the relationship between little pink and her baby brother developing. He adores her and her name is his most clear and consistent word at the moment. He was wide awake as soon as he heard her voice from her room this morning and demanded to get up to go and find her!! There's still the usual sibling stuff but we've come a long long way in the last 4 months. It's strange to think she has birth brothers, when we do life story work I never call them her brothers, I say they also came from X's tummy, I think calling anyone else brother at this stage would be too confusing. It's also why I never use anything like tummy mummy. But everyone is different, but for now it's working as well as life story work can with a two year old   

I was in contact with our social worker the other day and she said it was 'ridiculous' how alike our two are! Everyone comments, and how much she is like me, I love it   We're hoping to meet foster carers next month. We haven't caught up since March so they will see a huge difference. Little pink's confidence is finally soaring. She's doing well in nursery and has a great relationship with her key worker now. 

I'm actually loving being back at work too which is fab. I think time apart can be good as we all value our time together so much more. I always try and plan special things to do on our days together. The children also get a daddy day each week which is good for them all. He's a great dad but building his own business takes him away a lot so his Mondays are special and I'm glad they have that time while I'm working. I enjoy being back with adult company and my friends and I enjoy I get the chance to miss them as coming home is all the sweeter. Even though it's knackering  

She's a monkey at times but at the moment all is going good. We never know what the future holds for any of us, but in adoption terms, to date we've been incredibly blessed. It's too easy to take fer granted and whinge about the small things, but then I give myself a shake and know we're blessed. Now if only I could get her to eat.....


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Your babies are both beautiful clever and amazing and I'm so happy I've been able to meet you all and become firm friends I couldn't be without you and love our monthly meetings 
Love you lots honey xxxxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Me too Em, can't wait for the next one! They all played so well, we should all be very proud I reckon


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hugs they're doing amazing both of them.  So are you xx


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## Sq9

Lovely update. Sounds like you're all doing really well   xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you lovely ladies! Yes, as well as can be expected with a 1 and a 2 year old   Hope you're all good with your little pink SQ, I imagine she's thriving and you're loving it


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Still floating about, frequenting both the adoption and prem baby boards!

Life is hectic but lovely! Still find it hard to believe this is our reality, from no babies to two in 8 months! I continue to get the odd message from people looking into adoption who have enjoyed reading our story. These messages are lovely and I hope inspire people that adoption can definitely be your happy ever after. I've also been working with our adoption agency again to write a piece for a new adoption campaign to launch next month. I'll be doing a live ******* Q&A soon too which is exciting. It's been great to be back in touch with our SW again, she said, and I quote, 'your children are soooooo cute and look so happy', loved that! 

All is well here. Little Pink's FCs visited recently, you can see how they still adore her, and she is very much aware of their place in her life, they have a special relationship emerging, I can see it. She is doing well in understanding her life story and then how her little brother came along. She's at the age of playing babies and I see her recreate it in her games, so I know we've done well in the life story work to date! Phew!! She really is a bright spark and we are really blessed to say that so far she's been easy to parent and she continues to develop just fine. Long may it last please!

Baby blue isn't much of a baby any more! He's 2 in a week and is flying. To say he had a rough start he's really turned a corner thankfully. He's still tiny, but both my two are, and at last I'm not worried! 

The bond these two have is amazing. We really are lucky. If we only had Little Pink I'm pretty certain we would be in the process of number two now. We always wanted two and how blessed we are it happened the way it did. I hope they stay as close as they grow up. Both me and their dad are boy/girl siblings so it's great they will experience they types of childhoods we did. The small age gap has been extremely hard, especially with little man being so poorly for so long, but now it just works. They are best mates, keep each other entertained and play nicely, on the whole!! Little Pink really sticks up for her brother and he copies all she does! 

So life is good, tiring, expensive and chaotic but we are happy. Happy and skint


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

And what a beautiful family you are and I'm honoured to call you one of my best friends. 

Love you all loads xxxxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

We love you guys straight back!! xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

It has been faaaaaar too long since I posted! But that's not such a bad thing, it just shows I'm busy being a mummy, and boy have we been busy! I don't remember what I used to do with my days!! I love to be busy, working 3 days and then having my time with my babies, it's the best mix for us and on the whole, other than the usual woes, we are a very happy family of 4. Wow there were so many years that I never dared to dream we would have our perfect little family. I'm the girl I used to envy, the mum who had her boy and girl, the house, the car, the job she loved, the cat and the love of her partner. Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, life isn't and never will be, but it's good, when you strip it back what more could we want? I shouldn't have judged that girl I used to envy. I almost hated her. She had it all and I had nothing. She rubbed her perfect family in my face as she walked round the shops, waited to pick her children up from nursery, put her family pictures on social media for all to see. But she may have had a story, an untold one that will always stay with her. I now wonder if people look at me and make the same judgements. What emotions do I evoke in others? Sometimes I feel guilty for that and other times I remember how damn hard I fought for each of my children. I know I deserve to be their mummy. I've recently done some writing for our adoption agency that I thought I might share for anyone thinking of walking this path. My advice would be to do it, you might just meet your soulmate 💗

Dear Adopter

So here you are at the start of your journey, I hope you're holding on tight because it really is a roller coaster ride, full of ups and downs but ultimately propelling you towards your goal, to be a family. I'll tell you now, it's hard going but more than worth it!

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mummy, to have a baby and give my fiancé the greatest gift of all. Sadly it didn't happen and it was awful. But in time we explored adoption and I realised that carrying a baby in my tummy wasn't as important as being called mum, however that happened. 

So we applied and started on the gruelling yet exciting road that is adoption! Some days were just great and the hope bubbles away in your tummy, this was really happening and we were taking steps ever closer to our longed for child. Nothing could stop us! Then other days the fear crept in, am I good enough? Are we good enough? Is our house the home a child could be happy in? To grow and thrive in? Would we love them the way we should? Be loved as mummy and daddy or just be the glorified babysitters? I wonder if you are feeling any one of these things  right now? If you are currently nodding along then please know that all of these crazy thoughts are perfectly normal!

We ploughed on through preparation training, the home visits where we had to bare our souls and once again hope we were deemed fit enough to be parents, and onwards to approval panel. The fear that hit me on that that day was new and at times, all consuming. This room of strangers determined our futures, they held this unspoken power to make our dreams come true, and thank goodness they did. We got a unanimous yes and in that moment our new journey started. To look for the little one to join our forever family.

This is the really crazy part! Finding your child. How do you know? Everyone told us when we found them we'd just know. But how? That wasn't a good enough answer, I wanted to know how exactly? What if we made the wrong decision and the child we adopted was meant to have a different family. What if our child grew up hating us for having taken them away from their 'real' family? These emotions are very real and raw, but we kept talking and believing, and waiting. I expect you'll find the waiting one of the hardest parts. Most do. But suddenly the profiles started to ping into my inbox and it became really real. These were actual children looking for forever homes, once again the questions started as we tried to look at them with both our heads and hearts. 

And then one day we saw her, a little pink with big greeny brown eyes, whisps of fluffy hair and a cheeky smirk written across her face. We cautiously read through her story and subconsciously ticked all the boxes we had crudely outlined in our matching criteria. She seemed the perfect fit. Requesting more information we learnt of the birth family's story, feeling both empathy for their journey and sadness and anger over the unnecessary suffering of Little Pink's older siblings. A mixture of emotions swirled, but underpinning these was a feeling of wanting to be her mummy and to love her unconditionally. We proceeded with the link and in time we were matched. 

Allowing yourself to dream of the simple things is the greatest pleasure, of feeding ducks and pushing a pram, the things you've suppressed for so long as it was just too painful. I relished in walking down the children's aisle in the supermarket, I was suddenly allowed, I was going to be a mummy and had finally given myself permission to step into this forbidden land. Some may think I'm crazy but I'm wondering if you can relate? I have a sneaking suspicion that you can!

The day came to meet little pink. Her daddy and I sat in shaky silence outside her foster carers house, waiting for her fashionably late social worker to arrive. What if she didn't like us? What if she cried? What if she didn't feel right? If we weren't the perfect family I had imagined all along? As the fear grew a car pulled up and we were hurriedly ushered into the house. We were going to meet our daughter.

You build yourself for this moment for months, even years. You picture the perfect scene, happy tears shed, an explosion of love when she crawls to greet you for cuddles. The reality is you are strangers, and the overwhelming feeling I had was intrusion, into these kind people's home and this innocent child's world. As she was thrust towards me for our first embrace all I could think was how much smaller she was than I'd expected, none of the clothes we had bought her would fit for months. I studied her perfect little face and tried to read her thoughts. Did she sense my fear? Know that I wasn't her real mummy and was just an imposter in her world? She squirmed as we took some blurry shots, happy to be released from my unnatural grasp. 

As the week progressed we started to find our feet a little, nappies were changed, bottles given, and we shared giggles over bubbles and musical toys. Maybe we could do this after all. 

I remember the evening our social worker called and asked if I loved her yet. I answered truthfully, I answered no. Love can be a slow burner and while I loved the idea of being her mummy and us a family, you can't force a feeling that isn't quite there yet. I reasoned that we had to get to know each other, be used to each other's company and trust one another first. But in those early hours when I'd watch her sleep I used to will those feelings to come. And while some days I wavered, ultimately I held onto that faith, and it was this notion that carried me in those early days.

I can't recall the day we fell in love, it just sort of happened. She was mine, ours, and we were hers. Although realistically in adoption land things aren't quite as simplistic as that. As a new adoptive family there are restrictions on what you can and can't do, certain issues that needed permission or reporting to the powers that be. At times you may feel like a stand in parent, incapable of making the final judgement call. I held the fear of something going wrong, her birth family somehow finding us and coming to take her back. 

Experiencing the chaotic lives of the birth family in a face to face meeting dampened those fears, yet they were immediately reignited when Little Pink's birth mum contested the making of the Adoption Order. My rational brain left my body and I ached with the horror that my baby girl, the one I had just started to truly love, would be ripped away. Yet how could I compare to the family that had created her, the woman that had carried and given birth to this precious gift? I broke down and the following days passed in a sea of snotty tears. 

Ultimately the Judge overruled the appeal request. Yes, the relief was immense, but the sadness that another mother's heart had been broken sat heavy. She had had her last chance to show she cared, I will forever be thankful that Little Pink will understand the depth of the love she carried.

Our story was completed two years ago now with the granting of our daughters Adoption Order. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful she is. She was meant to be ours and we were certainly meant to be hers. I have accepted we are good enough, more than good enough and we are her forever parents. She will always have her story and we proudly share it with her, but we no longer feel we are competing against her birth family, we celebrate them for giving our daughter life. 

Our journey through heartache and longing finally makes perfect sense. It is true that the greatest things of all come to those who wait. So I wish you well adopter. Keep the faith that some things are just meant to be, through the good and bad just keep going and one day, as you cradle your child you'll understand the reasoning behind your journey. 

I am so grateful to adoption, it allowed us to realise our dreams and created our perfect little family. As I sit here watching my daughter playing in the garden I feel so much pride and I know, forever our baby she shall be.

Love Lolly


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Love this letter but you already know that.

You have a truely amazing family and I am so honoured to have met you through this forum your one of my closest friends and you stuck with me forever. 

Love you lots xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Awww just seen this Em! Bless you! We love you guys too xxx  

Below is another piece of writing I've completed recently around meeting birth parents. I hope it helps any of you gearing up for this big step, or those if you new to adoption who want some further insite into this scary prospect... 

Dear Adopter

Adopting is scary. The initial thought of raising someone else’s child is as far as many get. But if you see past that and realise that creating a child and giving birth isn’t what makes you a mummy and daddy, then maybe it’s the right path for you.

If you proceed then you will have many things to consider, one of which will be contact and the possibility of meeting your child’s birth parents. This instills fear into many, admittedly myself included. But it is one of the best things we have done and it is a big part of what underpins our daughter’s adoption journey. Here is our story…

It was thrust upon us one Thursday, ‘how about you meet the birth parents next week?’ the cheery social worker trilled. She delivered it in such a matter of fact way, but nothing could detract from the enormity of those few words. I instantly felt the blood drain from my face. My stomach flipped and I suddenly felt distant. Of course we knew this moment was to come. Throughout the adoption process you discuss how birth parent meetings are encouraged, so that you can ask questions and they can have some peace of mind and closure. But most importantly so that you can tell your child you met them and this is exactly what they were like. How they presented, the colour of their eyes, the tone to their voice, the way that they dressed, whether they were tall or short. To bring the description you have on paper to life. To make the photographs your give your child more real. To turn the fantasy into a person. As I reentered the room I could hear details being discussed, times and venues, it was so rigid, so controlled. Yet this was huge, another first in our adoption journey and the butterflies were already swirling with a vengeance.

As we compiled our questions and gathered some photographs of our precious girl I wondered how they must be feeling. Were they as anxious as we were? Did they have any questions for us? Were they excited to meet us even? Or were they angry, angry we took their baby away, and did they want her back? My dreams filled with possible scenarios as each night drew us closer to the day we would meet the people who had given us the greatest gift in the creation of our daughter.

I think my biggest fear going into the meeting wasn’t the possible hostility, or feeling the inevitable guilt that I had somehow ‘stolen’ their daughter. It was that I would see them every time I looked at Little Pink’s face and studied her perfect little features. Until this point so many people had commented on the resemblance she had to me and I relished in these moments. Each time it reaffirmed I was her mummy and she was my girl. This was suddenly at risk and the thought was almost too much to bear. What if I saw them? What if that gave me the constant reminder she wasn’t really mine? It was the first real wobble, did we really have to do this?

Waking up on the morning of the meeting I allowed my mind to wander. I wallowed in a daydream where I could just roll over and go back to sleep, to start again and pretend it was just another normal day. But it wasn’t. This was big.

As we dropped our precious Pink off with her grandparents I was aware of her sweet babyish innocence. Too young yet to be aware of her story and the enormity of this day. The day we would talk to her about in years to come. I briefly felt a pang of sadness for the journey she had ahead and then a fierce need to protect my child. A million emotions surrounded my fragile mind, but I plastered on a smile and with a cheery wave bid everyone goodbye. It was time.

With trembling hands I opened the door and there they were. Just people. But people which held such power at this moment. People that would shape our lives forever. I managed a weak smile and we sat down in silence. Those split seconds where no body spoke felt like they lasted a lifetime. All I could hear was by heart beating faster and faster, until the moment was broken with birth mum letting out an almighty sigh. I looked up and our eyes locked. And I saw her. A scared little girl in an adults body, my shield fell down and I felt her hurt. She was grieving and it cut deep.

Birth Dad sat quietly, avoiding eye contact and trying to shrink into the corner. He shifted awkwardly in his seat, still no one spoke. Luckily Little Pink’s social worker broke the eerie silence and gently prompted us into our questions. I heard my voice. It sounded high pitched and shaky. Not me at all. After a slight pause and a subconscious pep talk I continued. And it was just fine.

We all spoke, about their likes and wishes for their birth child, we assured them we would always cherish Little Pink, and tell her her special story. We shared photos and had a picture taken all together. A picture that now sits proudly in our daughter’s life story book, to illustrate the tale of the day we met her birth parents. Everyone is smiling and it gives our daughter an important message, that her birth family accept us as her parents. That photo is priceless in her acceptance of her adoption. I am extremely glad we have that image, to us it is so very powerful.

As we said our goodbyes there was a split second where I thought birth mum might hug me and if she had, I knew in that moment, that I would have hugged her back. I would tell her that it would all be alright, her child was safe and forever loved. But she didn’t and the moment passed. It was time to go.

After much trepidation I can honestly say I am so so glad we met Little Pink’s birth parents. It allows us to bring their personalities into the stories we share with her. They are more than just grainy photos in a book, they are real people who created our daughter, she deserves to know all she can. And they deserve to have their stories told. They are not bad people, they are people who did not have the childhood our daughter is fortunate enough to be experiencing. They made some poor life choices, but not from a place of malice but for simply not knowing any better. Children trapped in adult bodies. Expecting them to raise a child was simply beyond their capabilities. I don’t feel guilty for taking their child, I feel relieved that the cycle has been broken, and blessed that we are the right parents to raise this beautiful girl. I will always consider them, think of them on special days, but I don’t see them in her face. I see us. Her voice is her mummy, her mannerisms her daddy. Genetics are only half the story.

I am so happy we have this tale to tell. To tell her they loved her but couldn’t keep her and care for her the way every child deserves. But that she is a lucky little girl, she has two sets of parents, her birth parents who created her and fought for her until the end, and us, mummy and daddy who love her to the moon and back, and who will always protect her, now and forever. And really, how many children can say that?

Love from Lolly xxx


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## GERTIE179

wow fantastic writing and so emotional - well done and glad all is well in the Lolly household ;-)
xx


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## Thepinklady

Lovely words lolly. I particularly liked your words

'They are not bad people, they are people who did not have the childhood our daughter is fortunate enough to be experiencing. They made some poor life choices, but not from a place of malice but for simply not knowing any better.'

I know that for some of our little ones their reason for being in care is through malice but for many many the point that briught them to being in the care system is not through a malice choice or treatment by their birth family. It is simply their families  past life experience and the point in their life that they have got to through no real fault of their own. They will have not been blessed with the same amazing life experiences our little ones will now get. We as adopted parents need to gain that empathy and understanding if we are to be able to acknowledge the important role they played in creating our perfect little humans.

In concurrency the adoptive family as foster carers meet the birth family two to three times a week for many weeks when handing over their little ones for contact. This provides a very real and meaningful relationship with the birth family and gives a superb opportunity to be able to pass on a deep understanding to our little ones of their family as they grow. Also in Northern Ireland regular continued direct contact with birth family is directed by the courts if it is safe and appropriate. This is common place and continues throughout the child's life until they decide themselves they no longer want to do it or birth family pull out. The research into this has been very positive for children both in getting information that they need at an age appropriate time and also in allowing them to see that their adoptive parents give them permission to acknowledge their birth parents and to talk and ask about them. For many they also see that they were not 'stolen' from  dream perfect family but often see the reality of why they are not with them. 

Your words celebrate birth family not fear them. Thank you lolly.


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## Dawn86

It's so good to see a positive story about dealing with birth parents. This is one aspect of adoption that really scares me. 

Lovely letters. Thank you for sharing. Enjoy every minute with your perfect little family of 4  And thank you so much for the PM. Xx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

It wouldn't be right if it didn't scare you initially. It feels threatening and you feel vulnerable. As you move through the process it's explored in more detail and the reasons behind the theory are discussed. You are supported so don't worry just yet. Just keep reading and learning and see how you feel after discussing with others. And thank you   I'm always happy to help where I can. Take care xxx


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## Norma12

Lovely to read your experience of meeting birth parents, thank you for sharing x


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## ciacox

Thanks Lolly. This was helpful for me to read as I've been thinking about Cub's birth parents a lot. From the beginning we've been asking to meet them. Cub's SW hasn't broached it with them (I think she assumes it would be too much for them). And then the contested AO and the last few months it would have felt very difficult to have such a meeting. We finally have AO and I'm thinking of raising it again. But it's a year since Cub was placed and I'm wondering if it's too late? At what stage did you meet BPs?


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Ah congratulations on the order, another forever family officially. Wonderful news! We met them early on, after 3 months of placement. I remember social workers saying they thought it was best doing it this way, as in their experience to revisit and stir emotions down the line once things had 'settled' wasnt a wise move for either party. The LAC review was January following a September placement and I do recall them saying it's now or not at all. In hindsite they didn't want us to meet them once they'd been served the notice of the adoption order application, the emotions would have been too great. Also I think at that point she didn't feel so completely ours if that makes sense, I think later in the year it may have felt more difficult. But then I'd rather have the chance to do it than not have that experience. We met and it was as detailed. However then BM did contest the AO and wrote some nasty lies about how we presented in that meeting, and briefly I wished we'd never bothered. But that was my hurt coming through and once all was ok again I quickly gave my head a wobble and it was a great thing for all involved, especially our girl


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## itsonlybridge

It is a Sunday afternoon and I have spent the day reading your diary from start to end. 

We are at the very very beginning of our adoption journey with our first sw home visit planned for next week. I have been doing a lot of research and reading and diaries like yours are so insightful and informative. I have blotchy eyes from the rollercoaster of emotions I have felt with you as I've read the things you have been through along the journey. 

I coming to realise this is going to be a long and intense road with ups and downs, tears and frustrations, worries and fears, but like you, our desire to become a family and share precious memories with our children is staggeringly strong and I would walk hot coals if that's what it took.

Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you and your lovely family a wonderful life together xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Ah thank you so much! I love that this diary is still helping others even now! We sure do have a good story to tell, and with certain considerations within some of our daily life, for the most part we are a very normal family and I consider our adoption story a big success. I wish you the very same and want to say, despite the obvious stresses that will come along the way, do try and enjoy it. Enjoy the feeling that at each stage you are getting closer to being a family. Be excited! Because it really is a lovely time if you embrace the process. I wish you all the very best and look forward to following your own story  

Life ticks on here and we are, on the whole, a happy little family. School place has been applied for and my goodness is she ready to go! Having said that I'm glad we've had the extra year together (she'll be one of the eldest in her year) and plan some lovely family time this year before we are tied to weekends and holiday time. We've recently had letterbox from siblings and birth mother - the latter being a lovely surprise as we haven't received any for a couple of years. She sounds well and the letter was sweet and completely appropriate. I feel a connection to her and want happy things for her. I am also thankful little pink is loved by her BM, she sounded proud of little pink's achievements and I'm glad I can give her that as in honesty I don't think she has much else in her life to hold on to.

Love to you all xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

My next piece from the iadopt campaign... Foster carers.

Dear Adopter

When you decide to adopt and start stepping gingerly through the different stages of your journey you are faced with many challenges. Will you and your lifestyle be good enough to be considered to adopt a child? What type of child could you consider parenting? Could you adopt more than one child? What about the birth family, their circumstances and contact? I thought of all these things before and throughout our adoption journey, but rarely considered much about our prospective child’s current family, their foster family. 

The first time we met Little Pink’s foster carers I was a complete bundle of nerves. A swirl of thoughts clouded my mind; what would they be like? Would they approve, like us even? Were they ready to let her go? At that moment they had what we wanted more than anything in the world, our daughter, and we had to get it right.

As we entered the room we were greeted by a friendly faced couple, they smiled and answered our questions cheerily. They shared pictures and spoke with such love. But unpinning all this it was impossible to ignore the sadness and the loss they were already starting to grieve. Their voices trembled at times, and I saw tears dance in their eyes. I was excited yet uncomfortable, what right did I have to unsettle this happy family unit? Our social worker read my face like she had always done and reassured me that this was their job. They had done an amazing thing in giving Little Pink the best start in her early months, but now it was time for her to move on to be with her forever family. My worries eased, we were her family and we would love her like no other, she just didn’t know it yet. 

As we progressed through matching panel my excitement rose. I started to wonder how Little Pink was doing that day, what plans she had with them. My mind wandered and I imagined them showing her the pictures we had sent of us smiling and waving. Had they given her the teddy, covered in mummy’s perfume? Or opened the album that played our voices telling her how excited we were to meet her? I hoped so, yet I felt powerless. I just wanted to know that she was alright. I was a mummy to a baby that I hadn’t yet met. Time crawled on agonisingly slowly. 

The day we met her was probably the scariest of my life. We walked into the room and there she was, our daughter, cooing happily on her foster mother’s knee. We were strangers, intruders into her happy little life, and while I yearned to grab my daughter from this woman’s arms I didn’t, I settled on the sofa and waited. Those few seconds felt like an age, and she didn’t let her go. I just wanted my baby.

Finally, as Little Pink was carefully sat down on the floor, I watched their faces. Foster dad sat closely, with a protective arm outstretched. His eyes were kind but cautious, and I suddenly felt intimidated by this man. It was him she went to when she banged her head, it was him she snuggled in to for her bedtime milk and called dada when she was afraid. How could we replace the only family she had ever known?

As the days progressed we spent more time in their home. It was hard but they opened up their lives to us, took us shopping, cooked us meals and on a level we bonded. Each day was easier as we got to know them, yet harder as their upset grew, knowing their time left with Little Pink was limited. 

The day we took her home forever somehow almost felt wrong. What should have been one of the happiest moments of our lives will forever be tainted by the image of our daughters’s foster carers crumbling on the doorstep as we drove away. It was more than a job to them, they had loved her and done all the things a loving parent would do in her early days. I imagine the loss cut deeply, and while I desperately tried to relish finally becoming a mummy, the reality is I cried the entire hour drive home. As friends and family waited to congratulate us the guilt ate away inside. I tried so hard to move past it but she didn’t feel ours yet. I felt jealous that they still knew her more than we did. We were frauds caring for a baby that we had only met a week earlier. It was hard.

But time passed and wounds healed. We learnt her likes and dislikes, the songs that soothed her to sleep, her favourite dinners and the food she would throw to the floor in rejection. We got to know her routine, how to bath her so the water didn’t drip in her eyes and how to make her giggle until her cheeks flushed pink. We learnt how to be her parents and she started to feel more like our child. 

Some people keep in touch with their child’s foster family, and others don’t. It’s a personal choice and your decision is likely to be guided by the experiences you’ve had. For us it felt right to keep in contact, after all, it was the first significant relationship Little Pink had experienced in her life, it was part of her story and we felt it important to preserve that. 

We kept in regular phone contact and first met with them 6 months after Little Pink had been placed. It was emotional! There were hugs, tears and laughter along with a massive swirl of anxiety that coursed through my body. Even in our house, wearing the clothes we had painstakingly picked out for her, playing with the toys we had bought and smelling of home, I still felt she was partly theirs. I still desperately sought their approval. 

As we exchanged pleasantries I hovered close, somehow terrified my daughter would decide it was them she wanted after all. My heart stopped when she cried after her foster dad as he left the room, but was fit to burst in the instant it dawned on me she had thought it was me who had gone. As she clumsily crawled to my knee I knew that she was ours and we were hers. I felt the tension, the jealousy and the threat their presence had previously instilled leave my body and finally, I fully enjoyed our time with these very special people.

The day our daughter had been home longer than she had resided in foster care was another little milestone. I’d counted down the days and Little Pink and I did a private dance for two in celebration around the kitchen table. She’d been here longer, I felt we knew her better now and it was us who were her family. They knew the baby that was, and had nurtured and helped her grow into the beautiful girl she now was. Our daughter. 

We meet up with Tim and Sandra every few months now. We exchange photos often and each Christmas Little Pink makes them a card. They’ve never said but I know they will keep each one forever. When we visit, her photograph is still pride of place on the mantle piece, alongside the messy handprints we added as a parting gift. They are an extension of our family and we talk about them often. Little Pink’s eyes still smile when we mention their names or she spots their photographs in her life story book. They are almost as special to her as she is to them. 

In reality it would have been far to easier walk away, and to put my own selfish needs of being Little Pink’s one and only before anything else. But I’m not, and am so very glad I didn’t. We are a success story and Tim and Sandra hold a special place in all of our hearts.

When you adopt a child you have to share them, they will never truly be all yours. But if you can, embrace that, celebrate the people who stepped into your child’s life in their greatest hour of need. The ones who were there when mummy and daddy couldn’t be. After all, you can never be loved by too many.  

Love from Lolly x


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## Tictoc

I love this. I always counted down the days with each child until they had been with us longer than they hadn't been with us - that felt like a bigger day to me than the celebration hearing to be honest. Like you we were lucky in that our third child had a great foster carer who we keep in touch with. My second child didn't have that and even though she came to us at a similar age to th third there is a huge difference in her emotional security - foster carers can do such an amazing job.


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Tictoc. I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in my thoughts! I always felt threatened by the bond they had with my daughter, but actually thank goodness they did as it meant she got the best start which counts for so much as you say. I'm sorry to hear that not all FCs are as wonderful. It is a job at the end of the day, but there are those who see beyond that, they are the special ones xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So school looms! Little Pink is both excited and highly anxious. She will be fine but she's full of worries bless her. Although academically she's more than ready. Today we had the home visit as part of school transition and seemed to get the gold star treatment with headteacher attending alongside teacher and TA. As soon as I saw he had come too I knew it was because of that invisible 'adopted' banner flashing over Little pink's head! Not a bad thing though. He explained all about the PPP fund and how it's used in school - family support worker, play therapist and private SLT. Also said trips, extra curricular activities and uniform could be subsidised - wasn't sure about that one but interesting if nothing more... Said that we would need to meet a minimum of termly. I'm assuming to tick a box, but any extra liaison/feedback isn't a bad thing. Had the 'does she know chat' 🙄 They were quite surprised by what she does know. Asked if there were any drugs or alcohol consumed in pregnancy. I explained we only knew what BM had disclosed, but we thought it was a no and so far all was going well. We talked about birth family and their significant LDs and he said 'ah yes but nature vs nurture....' again, 🙄, but so far in our case that has shown to be the scenario to date. Little Pink did well, a bit overwhelmed initially so was her usual impulsive self and hugged her teacher who she's only met once! A bit inappropriate but better than sticking her tongue out or head butting, which we've had before! He closed by saying he thought adoption was a great idea!! Not great enough that he did it mind! Although two of the school staff have, so that's good to know. Very lovely people, a few rookie errors but all in all positive and keen to work together. Roll on September eh...... My girl is all grown up!


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## crazyspaniel

Wow lolly, little pinks school sounds great so far!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Here's hoping CS!  

So she's finished nursery now   Had her leavers assembly today and they told a story of their preschool year and sang songs that linked in to what they'd learnt. They all got a certificate and gift and everyone clapped. They are all personalised and hers says well done for being the best thing to come in a little package 💕 Her keyworker cried as they hugged, shows me that she's a very special girl to many different people. Next step is saying goodbye to the group we've attended religiously since her third month of being home. Now that's gonna be the killer for me! 

Love to all xxx


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

She's one amazing little lady. Both your babies are amazing love you all to bits. Xxxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So this week is National Adoption Week, a week that always makes me recall our journey fondly, be thankful adoption touched our lives and created our family. But this year it also makes me think about how different my children are growing to be. The way they behave, react, learn and experience the world are sometimes unrecognisable to one another. Raised the same way but increasingly often poles apart. Because sometimes love doesn't conquer all. We will never know all of the complex genetic history Little Pink's birth family hold, what is present in the blood that runs through her veins. We will never know exactly what she experienced in utero, the trauma of losing firstly her birth mother, and then the only parents she ever knew when came home to us. Sometimes life with Little Pink feels like parenting plus. You are parent, therapist, councillor. You second guess whether the behaviour comes from attachment, from her processing the latest contact between us and her birth family, or is she simply just tired? She thinks deeply, tells me at 4 that when she's a lady she will get a job so she can buy her birth mother food, that maybe she's going to die, that maybe she's already dead. She is already afraid of her birth father because 'he wasn't kind'. My little baby struggles so much too often. And that's the reality of modern day adoption. It's not a happy ever after, it's the start of a new and sometimes difficult journey. But would I do it all again? Of course I would 💕


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So back in November we asked for some help from
Post Adoption Support and after a discussion a referral was accepted and we have a therapeutic consultation scheduled for January. Our SW thinks we need some help with some of the sensory needs Little Pink displays and some life story work. We also discussed therapeutic parenting more and there have been some things we immediately put into place with great success. I think that Little Pink struggles with school. Not academically but the separation from me has been harder than we all realised. Which is silly really but she’s always been very resilient and I always give her too much credit. Actually it’s probably a very healthy reaction for a child like Little Pink, it’s a good thing she’s missing her family, but sad she’s got so much anxiety around being apart. Sadly I have to work but grandparents help the 3 evenings I’m away, well for hour and half til I get back at 5. We have done extensive reading past couple of months and have addressed some of her sensory difficulties and again, with great success. I have a friend whose adopted child displays many many sensory behaviours and she’s helped me so much. We have found ways to help Little Pink regulate and she’s sometimes recognising herself she needs help to calm and asking us to use some of the strategies (for example chewing her chewigem necklace or hanging upside down) which is great progress. At this stage I’m not convinced we will be accepted for any therapy but I’m not convinced we need it either now. We needed strategies and I wasn’t going to wait to find out what they were. I’m not deluded, I know she’s not a complex child (yet) all things considered, but she certainly has certain difficulties that need addressing carefully. I also aware that things will constantly change, it’s taking things as they come with our kids. School have generally been great and are willing to implement anything we see fit, it’s more family recognising that sometimes she isn’t just ‘naughty’ but she is struggling and traditional parenting approaches will not help and can actually hinder. But we will get there. After a very wobbly last half term, we have had a lovely 3 weeks. Christmas was spent with family by the seaside and it was really lovely. She did amazingly well and I think me and her dad being constantly present for the past week and a half has done wonders. I worry for when schools return and reality is resumed but we will manage. I was struggling with my relationship with her until recently, I just found it hard, too hard, but now I think we are good, happy, it feels much more ‘normal’. For many reasons, too many to list, and most nothing to do with adoption, 2017 has been horrid, so here’s to 2018. Happy New Year xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So a month in to 2018 and it’s already such a busy one! Post adoption support meeting was great. We came away with a lot of reading, training options, support for school and validation that our concerns are justified, she seems to present as the ‘classic adopted child!’ In adoption land she is not complicated, but for first time adopters we are learning together the best way to support our daughter as she grows. We have ups and downs and better weeks in school seem to equal harder times at hone. Sadly, these last two weeks she is excelling in school, and right there is a line you don’t think a parent will ever say! It’s just the crazy world of adoption for you! I suppose we will see if her containment at school spills over into the weekend again or not...  I’m remarkably proud of some of the fears she’s been able to voice recently, it’s good to know she’s able to share so we can work through them. But generally life is good, exhausting but fulfilled. My highlight of the week has been showing off my wonderfully beautiful and  resilient daughter to my work colleagues when she came to visit! I always relish in the ‘isn’t she like you comments’! This crazy girl, who drives me mad but fills my heart. I will make no secret of the fact I have struggled with our relationship at times, and probably will for the foreseeable future, but I know this girl was meant to be ours, and we are hers. Love to you all xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I don’t know if it’s because of how much we are educating ourselves or not, but Little Pink’s sensory seeking behaviours are getting more and more apparent. We are meeting those needs as best we can and are adapting life accordingly. She has so many wonderful experiences, but I think we are more in tune with what she can and won’t cope with. And if she can’t, we avoid! We are trying to give her the tools to try to self manage some of her needs and she now has a vast array of chewigem type toys and jewellery, a chin up bar for swinging on her doorframe, her room is decluttered to try and create calm. We do things together like deep breathing, rolling in tight blankets, foot massage, hiding under blankets and jumping. She also wears earmuffs a lot so I foresee ear defenders being purchased soon. So now, when she dysregulates I get her to make a choice of what she would like to do to try and calm her body. Even her little brother will often make a suggestion to help! It can be hard as when in that heightened state she often can’t listen or think, so then I will make the choice for her. I think she wants to be calm so she generally doesn’t argue the point! It’s become quite common vocabulary at home now and while days are quite exhausting, I do think her behaviour and anxiety is slightly improved, although certain situations of course flare it up. She can’t manage any parent assemblies at school and the latest fear is singing at recent birthday parties, she is just too scared to open her mouth. But that’s ok, can live without it!! She is sensitive to clothes, noise and temperature. She mouthes everything and vocally stims and pulls very odd faces, almost like tics, often. If she cries she cries for so long, I dread her falling over as it’s nearly an hour of trauma! When I list it on paper it all sounds pretty horrific, but it’s not, not once you get used to it, it just becomes your child. I wonder how long I missed it for? I suppose when children mouth things at 2 it’s considered normal, when they are still no further forward at 5 and a half it paints a picture! 

School have been great, have done some reading and staff training and agree now how obvious it all is. They have things in place to help her regulate if she’s struggling and we keep that open and honest dialogue. I think now her teacher gets her more she actually likes her company. She openly admitted she couldn’t fathom her behaviour before as she’s academically bright. I think discrepancy between academia and behaviour is around 4 years now, so a real confusing profile if you don’t know. 

I’m quite an open person and have started telling people a bit more now. There’s a case for not over sharing but I don’t want her, and us as a family unfairly judged. I want to raise awareness, especially when she is in the hairdressers licking the shampoo bottles and sniffing the chair!! We have also started talking to Little Pink that all brains work differently and sometimes hers gets too busy or can’t work things out in the same way, and this is because she didn’t get the same love and care when she grew in her birth mothers tummy. It’s quite deep but her brother who is nearly 4 had started to question a lot of her behaviours so it was time to start drip feeding the next bit of her life story really. They of course will be different, but just as special.

Adopting a baby doesn’t mean the ride is straightforward at all. It’s just different. Who knows what the future holds but this is just part of my daughter, I wouldn’t change her so we just educate ourselves on how best to help her flourish. That’s just what parenthood is all about right?


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## crazyspaniel

Sounds like you're all doing a fab job lolly, love hearing your updates x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Crazyspaniel, that’s really kind. Often think of you and the old crew, and hope everyone is doing alright. Happy Easter xxx


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## GERTIE179

Sounds like little pink & blue have a fab mummy & family doing a great job!!

Couldn't describe this better myself:
Adopting a baby doesn't mean the ride is straightforward at all. It's just different. Who knows what the future holds but this is just part of my daughter, I wouldn't change her so we just educate ourselves on how best to help her flourish.
[/size]
[/size]This is exactly how we feel & our boy is still the same awesome lil guy but we understand and work with his quirks. X


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks Gertie   I’m so glad you can relate, it’s lovely to chat to likeminded people, your little lad sounds just as much fun! Parenting plus, but double the rewards xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Half an hour early for the sensory workshop for adopted children with trauma and attachment difficulties. Really looking forward to it. I feel quite immersed in everything at the moment, and that feels good currently (knowledge is power and all that). But I’m mindful of the fact that I’m trying to regain control of a situation I clearly don’t feel in control of. I did it two years ago when my little boy was being genetically tested for a rare form of dwarfism and actively had to step away from it in the end as it was doing my mental health no good. This feels more positive though. I feel I’m learning about my child, my damaged child, who deserves the best and due to societies ignorance (my own included), isn’t currently receiving that. In adoption terms I still believe we have all done quite well this far and my daughter’s difficulties are quite typical considered her past. However if we don’t get it right for her at this early stage we are setting everyone up for a blowout down the line. Next week we will meet with school to discuss her emotional and behavioural difficulties there, next month I go on therapeutic parenting training and that will then lead to PACE training. I feel exhausted reading it, but living it honestly isn’t as bad as it sounds. When we get something right I feel empowered to carry on. I like to be proactive and learn and we do have a happier home because of the changes we are making, so will keep going. It’s not a quick fix this, it’s a whole shift of parenting, of expectations and is something we need to change for ever really.

Little lad is slowly coming to terms with his sister’s difficulties. Due to his own history he’s very nurtured, which I know needs to stop in light of big school looming! He’s finally coming on socially, and has a crazy brain in terms of his knowledge of the world. I’m really proud of everything he’s had to manage and I love the bones of him!

Despite everything my two completely adore each other and actually always have. Little Pink was too young to remember his birth so he’s always been in her world. They know each other’s vulnerabilities and when it matters will help each other out in order to achieve. When it doesn’t matter they fight like cat and dog. And that’s probably the only level of normal that we have in our house some days!! I am happy though, I think we all are. But tired, definitely tired!! 

15 minutes....


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## -x-Lolly-x-

How time continues to fly by so fast is beyond me! 

I almost want to go back to the last happy post, but then I’d have to go through all the mess we have had as a family recently all over again, and I definitely don’t want to do that! It’s been tough. Everything at the moment feels tough. I fear I’ve lost a bit of my fight. I know I need to advocate for my children, but why is it so tough? Why is she so tough?! Clearly that is a really silly statement! I know too well the reasons why, I just wish some days we could have some ‘normal’, but I suppose this is our normal. There are just different levels of mania in our house! I wish I could make the world easier for her. I think I work too much. I can’t afford to not work so much. Well, not really but that is a whole other story!!  I do love my jobs so then get the guilt that actually maybe I actually work so much to avoid the chaos that is my life. But is the chaos a result of the fact I work too much? Genuinely I don’t believe that to be the case, but who really knows. 

Transition times are hard. Three days ago I jinxed it by saying it was all rosy. It is not. We’ve had a terrible afternoon, it’s so sad. I love my kids so much, and try and implement the therapeutic parenting knowledge further training gave me, but my word, sometimes you just want to scream!! And cry. And I do. Probably too much. I’ve asked the ASF for an assessment. I don’t think she will meet the criteria for interventions now they no longer fund sensory assessments of need though. NHS won’t fund one either. I feel a bit stuck. Her sensory seeking behaviours override so much and it’s what we can’t access! Eugh!!

Wow this is a depressive post! But it’s a safe place to vent. I hope to look back at this in a few weeks and feel happy we’ve moved forwards again as deep down I know we will. We always do, it’s called life! I think I’m burnt out from holding it all together, but it’s what has to be done. A million people walk in those shoes every day, I’m not special! I can’t wait for our holiday. I can’t wait for some time the 4 of us. It’s been far too long again. 

I suppose this post is the reality that adoption can bring. It’s not all flowers and fairies. It’s a hard slog, and exhausting. But it’s still worth it! Just...


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So a week and a bit on from my depressive, head is exploding post and I feel a bit chirpier. I’ve spoken quite a lot to a couple of friends and I’ve realised it’s normal to feel a wobbly. More so it would be more worrying if I wasn’t! So I’m embracing that. Little Pink is a constant whir of emotion, it’s exhausting for me, so it must be for her. She’s constantly ticking, talking, moving, she’s hyper aroused 99% of her waking hours. So actually it’s not one thing, no, her behaviours are low level things, but it’s the constantness of it that grinds you down. You always have to be on your A game parenting her otherwise it deteriorates quickly. And I’ve been on my W game lately, so it has. And then the cycle continues. So I think that that, on top of stuff with OH, work pressures and a little boy with medical appointments and transitioning to school, I had a bit of a ‘I can’t do this!’ moment. But of course I can. I do. We all do. We have post adoption support from our local authority visiting a week Monday. I’m still not convinced of what they’ll think in terms of support, but I’m pretty receptive and hope that they are too. Watch this space I guess.

I’m sat here, watching her at her ariel arts session, thinking how determined she is to achieve and succeed. I need to take a leaf out of her book and woman up!


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Two lovely social workers validated my concerns and seemed committed to help us all as a family. I am both shocked that they are requesting a full assessment of need be completed, and so happy that we are getting this early intervention. We all agreed we are managing and are far from crisis, but why wait and see if that comes in the coming years? I cried, I felt huge guilt, was totally honest, felt proud of reaching out for help and ultimately am relieved. Relieved that she is seen and that we are heard. I feel like a few things are starting to line up for us again. Now to enjoy summer!


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## crazyspaniel

Asking for help is not easy so well done you. Also you've had your concerns validated and hopefully you will all get the support you need before too long! Happy holidays


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you CS, I really do feel validated. I don’t know if my refusal to accept it was as bad as it was was a barrier I’d put up to combat disappointment if we were turned away, or if, like I’ve said previously, I’d lost perspective. When you live it it’s hard to tell! But I’m happy. 

We are currently away, by the seaside, in our happy place. Since school finished I’ve noticed a couple of things that make me once again realise that she finds school stressful. She’s not chewing anywhere near as much, she even grew her very first proper finger nail! We painted it with bright pink nail varnish in celebration! She’s happier in herself, and hasn’t soiled since the day school finished. Having said that she’s struggled a little today, when we met some friends, who we and definitely she, loves. But it’s the anxiety around social situations I think she’s finding hard. She was fine, well I say fine, she was completely wired(!), but we were outside where she could run and she had fun. Our friends get her as I share our journey with them entirely, they don’t bat an eyelid as she’s just Little Pink. They took her to feed the chickens and even said they had been considering adoption (she can’t be that bad  ) So it was a lovely time. But to me it’s so obvious how different she is to others. Things are all becoming more obvious. I’ve come to the conclusion that she doesn’t trust me or her dad either. That’s a biggie, but it’s another reason underpinning why we’ve asked for help. But so far it’s a great holiday, she is having a ball with her brother. Tomorrow we meet more friends, and we are having a family meal out, then Monday is body boarding day! Can’t wait! I will relish my happy bubble for another week and try and make some more memories with my little family. 

So happy holidays everyone, enjoy the time, you can never get these days back, even if they are interspersed with a little bit of crazy


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## -x-Lolly-x-

We are back from our holidays just before the rain started. We got very lucky! After a very wobbly day last Sunday, I returned to work and Little Pink did brilliantly. We had a good couple of days before her little brother was admitted to hospital which threw her again. We will just resume stability and return to school stress will hit. I guess it’s the way it goes. We will try to smooth transitions as much as possible but sometimes life happens. All in all it been a good summer though. Maybe that’s because we asked for help and the pressure is off? Or maybe she’s learning to manage herself better? I’m not sure. She continues to try to self regulate, have had a couple of incidents out recently where she’s taken herself to a quiet area ‘to keep myself safe mummy’, or asking for her chewigem necklace as she wanted to bite. These are few and far between still but when they happen I do feel so proud. We had a family wedding Friday and she had a ball. Despite her difficulties she does seem to captivate everyone. We are lucky, none of our family or friends ever judge. They listen and ask questions, it’s the best way. It helps I’m quite honest probably. I don’t try and cover up or make excuses, this is Little Pink, she had a tough start and we continue to try and heal the hurts, but yeah, sometimes it’s tough going! 

Our social worker called Friday, she is going to come out again to discuss packages of care, they have a few options. Which is quite exciting actually. When Little Pink heard me in the phone she became very upset. But we had a chat and she asked if they wanted to help us be a happier family. Yep, they do, it’s all we all want 💕


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So back to school happened. And as predicted the build up was worse than the actual event. Just the usual Little Pinkisms in the few days before but since she’s been back at school, outside of tiredness, she’s been pretty great. Which is a blessing to write. We’ve had positive feedback each day, and she’s been given a couple of responsibilities, such as returning the register and helping her little brother on the yard. She’s even been moved back on the carpet (previously at the front for ‘silly’ behaviours), which is pretty amazing actually. I suppose we have to see how long she lasts!! I’m not sure if this is a honeymoon period or if the stability of her (good) new teacher and the extra structure of year 1, is what she needed. A bit of both I expect. But I’m enjoying it while it lasts. Life continues to be pretty tough but maybe, just maybe I’m seeing some progress with my daughter after a wobbly year? And maybe we are managing her needs better and she’s calmer? I know when she will and won’t manage better now and we live our lives accordingly. Which is not quite the life I would have imagined but it’s what we need to do for her to feel safe, and actually that’s fine, parenthood has to be about continually adjusting your expectations and compromising to meet your children’s needs. Her sensory seeking behaviours are reducing, I was too scared to admit that before but I’m certain now that we are making progress there. She even said the other day remember when I used to chew mummy... now I’m not saying we are past that stage by any means, but things are shifting a little. 

We have our social worker Monday morning. She’s offered a package of care that I had to refuse for a couple of reasons, so we are looking at something a little different. I almost wish she was in a tricky phase as my view is skewed again and I have the tendency to think that all is fine. When I know deep down it’s not. Anyway I’m back to wittering! Curious to see what Monday brings, will report back...


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Well we have a plan, and this plan includes a full sensory assessment of needs alongside, so to say I am happy is an understatement. I still feel a bit of a fraud at times, but as out social worker rightly pointed out, prevention is better than cure. She said we were sensible to actively seek support before crisis point. We manage so it becomes the norm, but I guess, if life can get even better, then we take what is offered to adopters with both hands and help our little girl thrive. I’ve always said knowledge is power so I’m excited to work alongside the professionals and tailor a package of care specifically designed for her. Let’s hope things continue on this track and ASF support the SW and her manager, and fund the damn thing now. That could really be a spanner in the works...


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## -x-Lolly-x-

5 years a forever family and we are celebrating by ordering some food while the kids sleep   Rock and roll... I’d have it no other way! Love our Little (Big) Pink


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Yesterday we had good news and bad news... ASF has approved our application so hopefully full assessment is imminent, but sadly our social worker is leaving. She’s moving on to therapeutic interventions with children and young people, I can’t knock her, sounds the type of role that I’d enjoy too! Maybe our paths will cross again, who knows. 

Things here tick on. Ive been a bit flat this past week, had a bit of a moment, inconveniently at work. But it’s times like that when you realise you are not alone. My work friends are gems. I also have a couple of wonderful ladies in my world who have been checking in with daily pep talks, my rocks, and today I finally feel like me again. Which is good, because there is a very special girls birthday on the horizon. Life is a rollercoaster, and the bar is still holding me in place tightly! I’m actually very lucky  

Love to all xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

We are definitely in a topsy turvy stage of life with both children. I feel we are on the cusp on something at the moment with them both. Little Pink is Little Pink and we all know about her and her issues. Baby Blue has his own difficulties, mainly socially and emotionally, and one half term in school already have him in two different intervention groups. However, I am so unsure what is learnt behaviour or reaction from living with his sister, and what is innately just him. We are starting with what at this point I consider to be the ‘easiest’ support available, which is ASF pathway. I know at this stage I don’t have enough ‘evidence’ for support from external agencies for my birth child. And maybe, if I can pull help in for his sister then things will change around for him too. The theory makes sense, but I’m just a bit lost at the moment!! 

Good news is we have a new SW and I’ve spoken with her. She seems nice. What I perceive to be a softly spoken older lady who will be professional and quietly assertive. I think that’s a good approach. We have a clinical psychologist coming in a week. We’ve had a bit of a battering by our daughter recently which in a bizarre way is good, it keeps it fresh in my mind. When she is on a good run I question my choice about asking for support, even though previous SW continuously reassured me I wasn’t wasting anyone’s time, and that early intervention was very sensible. 

Currently sat in children’s party chaos! Only the third school party she’s been to, they are almost unwelcome, however I can’t shield her forever. She’s in the queue for face painting. She’s there by herself, chewing frantically, and has lost her place once already for moving, but actually she’s doing well. Every now and then she frantically waves at me and gurns!!   She just can’t help herself! She’s allowed herself to wear a skirt today and looks pretty   When we arrived 3 girls ran up to her and one hugged her, was nice to see. However otherwise she has been alone. She seems content, but it strikes me that she reminds me of the children I go into settings to observe who are in the process of autism diagnosis. She definitely has social communication difficulties, but they link to attachment and trauma and not ASD. 

We’ve had a 6th birthday now, how did that happen?! So we are open for the Christmas stress, which has started to creep in. It’s such a magical time of year, but can cause so much anxiety for our kiddos. Last year the build up was horrid for her but the actual day and aftermath was beautiful, so let’s hope for at least a repeat. Our neighbours have moved, not far and we’ve been invited round tomorrow so she can see they haven’t just disappeared. So thankful they get that Little Pink needs that type of approach, and don’t mind us invading 4 days in to their new home experience! She’s definitely wobbly. Hoping this party doesn’t tip her over the edge. She just needs acceptance, and this is a step towards that. Just a shame I can’t do what most of the other mums have done and gone to the shops or for a sneaky coffee shop stop! Ah well, she’s worth it


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So we’ve met with the psychologist, she seemed very rational, reasonable, personable, sympathetic but in a non patronising way. Everything you’d expect I suppose. We liked her. I was hoping for family therapy and she seemed to agree after hearing our story of how we came to be a family of four. She is going into school next week to see if they have any concerns there, and to meet Little Pink (from afar!) Since the meeting I’ve felt really positive, things are happening. I’m proud of us, for asking and accepting help, it’s not been easy. Meeting friends from our preparation course on Sunday, we generally meet once or twice a year and the kids, while I’d not class them as friends as such, get on great. Nice to be in comfortable company. Happy Friday everyone xxx


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## onolyn

sometimes these stories so carried away


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So DF left. He’s living with his other woman. Or should I say ‘girl’, great   I think our therapy plan might just be changing! Poor Little Pink, another loss. I wish I could make it better for her. Hoping that one day, when she reads this, she will know that mummy did everything she possibly could, but sometimes even mummies cannot fix things. Hmmm, must update my signature....


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## crazyspaniel

So sorry to read this lolly


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thank you Crazy, it’s definitely a game changer  

Siggy updated, time to move forwards....


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So Little Pink’s social worker visited following the approval of the ASF application and the funding being secured. I told her everything. I admit to being ashamed that this is the life I’ve dragged a vulnerable child into. It is a mess, but she assured me it’s not my fault. And I know it’s not, but mummy guilt rules. It’s just not fair on her. Although having said that I’m happier all in all. And happy mummy equals happy babies...? Here’s hoping. So far I think we are doing ok


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## -x-Lolly-x-

So social worker and psychologist have now visited and I have another appointment with the psychologist next week. I’ve heard on the grapevine she is both a professional and an adoptive mummy so I think I have a good one here! She will get it from all angles. She was lovely, they both were. So supportive. The approach we agreed on was to tackle the sensory first and behaviour second. I understand as hopefully with the right sensory diet behaviours will improve, however, given the circumstances it’s far wider than that now. I’ll be honest, it’s been pretty horrendous here lately. I get it, but it’s both exhausting and upsetting. And frustrating too actually, as I have learnt I simply can not communicate effectively with her father. He doesn’t want to be involved with PAS and think the hardline will be enough. He seems oblivious to the fact that his early and inappropriate introduction to his girlfriend (aka ANOTHER new mother figure) is a big part of all this. Ignorance is bliss and easier to deal with then guilt. So I look forward to the meeting next week as I have a list... ‘anger, violence, stealing, sleeping, swearing’... yay


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## crazyspaniel

Sending love and cyber support lolly xx


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## Jules11

Hi Lolly,

I've only just caught up with your diary today and i'm so sorry for everything you and your babies are going through.  I wish I had words that would help.  The only thing I can say is I have no doubt your babies will be fine because they have you as their constant source of love and support. I say that as the daughter of a women who came through a horrible time during separation and divorce.  I always knew I had the love and support of my mum no matter what happened. I've no doubt your two also have that and it will keep them loved, safe and secure.  It really does make all the difference when things are hard.

I hope you also have the support around you to make sure you feel loved, safe and secure. If in doubt feel free to post and i'm sure we can virtually supply hugs, I suspect we are geographically quite close so also happy to pop round with wine and chocolate. 

Jules xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Thanks so much both. Really appreciate you checking in, and Jules that’s so lovely of you. Thank you for your words, and the support. I really hope my children view it as you did and do. I’m trying my best, nowhere near perfect but as long as I keep trying I hope they’ll come to realise that. House has sold now so we are in the process of moving which is another big change but thankfully both are excited for now. I know it’ll change and we will have some further regression again down the line, but I’m enjoying this calm before the storm. And finally, just as things couldn’t get more blurry in my head, birth mum is pregnant, do we want to be considered.... salt in the wounds!


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