# Sometimes Feel a Bit Embarrassed and Isolated?



## Brown-candy

Hi Ladies,

Lets vent it all out here!!

Lets tell our various experiences of inability to conceive and carry to term or even conceive in the first place after several months and years of TTC and how we try to manage the awkward situations   when we are faced with them.

I know personally that after ttc for over 3yrs now, i cant even attend friends wedding or parties of my peers, talk less of baby showers   due to embarrassment of answering some awful questions that people could be so insensitive to ask. 

Saying bits of ur experience with infertility and how u cope with everyday challenges that it brings may help others here who find it very difficult to cope.

The issue of stigma and labeling is one of the various challenges we have to deal with.

 

Thanks in advance

Brown-candy


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## smallbutmighty

Hey Brown-Candy,

Good idea. I find it much easier to deal with the ones who don't know, because I just defer the topic by talking about how much I'm enjoying my job or some event in future which would not work well with kids and they assume we must not want them yet and don't ask.

For the persistent ones who ask whether/when we're having children or God forbid, if we're having difficulty, I take a view that those are incredibly rude questions which if they had any emotional intelligence they wouldn't go near in the first place. So, I normally laugh it off and ask if they're always so interested in other people's business and do they not have enough going on in their own lives to worry about without worrying themselves about mine? If that fails I tell them their mother should have taught them not to pry and walk away.

The worst is the group of girl friends I did tell, some of whom have gone on to procreate. I have go to a wedding with that lot next year and I'm dreading it. They've blatantly told their husbands, who aren't my friends tbh and I deep down resent them knowing. Some of the girlfriends in that group are really pitying, which I hate. Pity makes me feel like I'm some pathetic lost cause and reminds me there is something wrong with me. To be honest, I just avoid seeing those women at all as much as possible. I actually just welled up thinking about how much I dread seeing them and how humiliated it makes me feel.

The most persistent ones are the pregnant ones and the ones on maternity leave, who keep wanting to meet up and bring their baby to show me, or badgering me for news, even though I have told my friends very clearly that I've cleared the social diary and am taking it easy for a few weeks. Doing IVF does not mean I also want to hear all about your pregnancy, I would have though that was _really _obvious. So I just tell them I'm not up to it/too busy and if they still don't get the hint I just ignore them.

The best people (other than my beloved husband) have been male friends and actually a couple of male work colleagues. They are totally pragmatic, supportive in a positive way and really cheer me on and have a bit of a sense of humour about it.

As for baby showers, I've never gone in for those even before we started trying because I think they're commercial nonsense. Bah! Humbug!

What you must do is broaden your circles so you get the fresh start of meeting people who know nothing about you. I just started an evening course and enjoy going to the pub afterwards with a group of women who I can get to know but who know little about me other than what I decide to share with them (although I'll probably skip it over the next couple of weeks). We talk about our common interest instead, which makes a great change! It is about making your life about more than having a baby.

Oh, and this forum is pretty great for support too


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## Brown-candy

Hello Smallbutmighty!!!

I cant help but laf at "commercial non-sense"!    

One of my collgues who knew bits about my ttc told me she was also ttc though she already had a 4yr old, called my one day to announce her pregnancy. I was happy for her though but sad that I wasn't the one. Worst of all, we met again in our work place and she was asking me 'how far with yours now?'. I was like, nothing yet but that am still hpoeful, and then she went "just relax, it will happen"   
am like    

I was so   by her level of insensitivity even when she knew what it meant to be ttc for yrs


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## scribbles

*****HUGS********

I felt a need to 'come out' as IF and starting tx and felt so much better when I did.  I just put a ** status 'Going for our first IVF appointment, fingers crossed' and was overwhelmed with the support we received.  Not only that but a few of my friends text me to say that they were having some troubles ttc and now we are swapping notes.  For me (but defo not for everyone!) being out in the open about it and getting the information across before anyone felt the need to ask saved a lot of stupid questions and rude people sticking their nose in.

You're always going to have the fertile myrtles sticking their oar in and asking stupid questions but you're so much stronger than they'll ever be.  IF forces you to be tough and strong and keeping dignified in difficult situations.


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## Brown-candy

Hi scribbles,

I do sincerely admire your courage to go OPEN about IF and tx. I can never tell anyone apart from me mum and dad.

I so pray everything works out on my 1st ivf cos am faced every blessed day at work with that same question "any kids?" 

Dear God pls wipe my tears and misery away soon!!!!


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## smallbutmighty

Hey Brown-Candy,

When do you start your IVF? I have my first scan tomorrow so we might be going through it around the same time?


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## Brown-candy

Sorry smallbutmighty, Its taken me ages to get ur reply hon. I started my D/R on 31 Oct and its my Day11 today and its been ok apart from nagging headache and tiny things gettinh on my nerves. How are you doing?


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## Tiffanymi

Hi, I found this an interesting thread because I am actually finding this quite difficult lately. I used to say I'm not ready yet as you don't actually want some people knowing your business but I'm so scarred from TTC it's so hard to even say thoeae words anymore. I now say when the time is rights, but even that I think is giving away too much. Truth is it's hard you don't know what to say. So some people assume you have chosen kids over career and others suspect TTC. How do you get people off your back without being rude if you a not wanting them to know!?


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## Brown-candy

Tiffanymi,

You are absolutely right. There are no right ways of saying this realy without giving away too much info. 
AFM if someone ask me again, I just say that am studying at the moment and I cant do both at the same time. By that they will just back off and wont bother me again.
How embarrass i feel when i see people that I have recently just married being pregnant. And my parents also feel terrible as well because they should be carrying their grandchildren by now being that am the first child of the family.

Am just lucky that my younger sister is like 12yrs younger else i would be thinking 'oh she will soon marry and start bearing kids while i still mark time. heaven knows that my time to get pregnant is now.


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## Tiffanymi

Hi brown candy. I know it's very hard. And all my siblings have there 2 nd kid and my last sibling has just announced theirs. I feel very bad at the moment but started a new cycle today and preying my time is finally coming...it's just getting herder to stay motivated...


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## mrs_ss30

When people ask me questions such as 'do you want kids', I always reply in with an ambiguous response like 'maybe', 'we'll see' or 'I hope to eventually'.  I find that these responses don't give anything away, aren't a lie and allow you to hide behind a double meaning - e.g. if I say 'maybe' people assume I mean that I haven't made up my mind yet, whereas what I actually mean is that I don't know yet if I can have them so maybe I will, I don't know.  

It does get harder and harder to say these things with conviction though and Tiffanymi I completely understand what you mean about being scarred from it all.  This journey has affected me so much I'm not sure that I'll ever fully 'recover' even if I go on to have 10 babies.  

xx


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## Tiffanymi

Mrs ss30 that's quite a good way to end the subject when people ask. I will try x x x x


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## Dixie chick

Hi Tiffany,
Just a word of warning: I've used Mrs ss30's ambiguous approach lots of times. Usually "We'd like to one day" but recently my rather insensitive colleagues replied by telling me my biological clock was ticking, and if I wasn't careful I'd run out of time. I was gobsmacked at their crassness. Even if I hadn't spent years ttc (which they don't know) their suggestion that I needed to have a baby soon, that they knew what timing was best for another couple, was just offensive.
I'm sure my shock showed on my face even though I tried my best to take it in my stride.

Has anyone thought about whether they will tell people they've had IVF once they've been successful (fingers crossed). I think a lot of people will make the connection if I announce I'm pregnant, but I work in a very multicultural environment, and I know some would have religious and moral objections to the process. It would feel like a weight lifted if I could finally be honest, but I wouldn't want to be judged.

Has anyone met any people who object to assisted conception on principle, and how did you respond?


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## Flips

I always tell people (jokingly!) that I'd rather have kittens when they ask the rude question about if I'll have children. I think if we're lucky enough to have a child then I won't make any secret of the IVF (especially as once you have one child the next question seems to be if you'll have another!) as I want people to realise that it's not easy for everyone, and it is a hard process. If anyone objects to IVF morally then I'd hope they'd have the sense to keep it to themselves and not say anything, as they'd essentially be saying that my child shouldn't exist.

It's my husband's gran's funeral soon and I'm worried about his aunts and cousins saying 'when are you having babies then?' - he got this at the last family funeral he went to and I'm not sure I'd cope with it at the moment, but I do want to go and pay my respects to his Gran.


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## Dixie chick

Hopefully being open would stop people asking when you intend to have children, but they might start giving well meaning 'advice'.

I think those who have never been in the world of IF don't quite understand it's a medical condition which needs proper treatment. It can't be fixed by lying on your back with your feet in the air after baby dance, taking a holiday or other minor things.
I have two good friends who don't really know each other, and one had premature ovarian failure and has no viable eggs. I explained this to friend 2, who is usually very kind and thoughtful, but she still managed to come out with the old chestnut 'just relax and it'll happen'. It was through ignorance rather than meaning to be rude, but still came across as a daft thing to say. Perhaps in time being open would tackle the ignorance, but it could be uncomfortable in the meantime.

Flips, I'm surprised the topic of your family planning would come up at a funeral, but if you're concerned you could go to the service to pay your respects, but not go to the wake. That could help avoid awkward small talk.


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## Flips

Thanks Dixie chick, unfortunately I think it will - my husband went to his aunt's funeral earlier this year and was asked 4 or5 times when we're going to have children! His family are obsessed with having children! I might just go to the service then go back to my in laws while they and husband go to the wake - although his parents don't know about the ivf so I'll just have to say I'm not feeling well. I'll just see how I feel on the day.


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## Brown-candy

Hi girls

I think opening up about treatment needs time as some cultures don't just get it when it comes to ivf.
I quite agree with mrs_ss30, but sometimes one is put on the spot light that one will fumble before one could think of the most appropriate thing to say. Its just an awkward situation to be in.

Flips you are quite right, families wont stop asking the 'when will' question. And even the slightest illness will be taken as pregnancy sickness 

Dixie, I will never announce that I had my babies via ivf. I just leave it to my parents only and no one else. Its a big thing to us as most of my cousins just get pregnant with a snap of a finger  so giving out such info will mean alot to me

God knows this situation is a very difficult one


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## Swifty84

Before I knew we were infertile my mother in law constantly said loudly in public " I can't wait for my grandchild that's all I'm waiting for" including at a funeral, but now she keeps quiet I weirdly feel more pressure/ awkwardalso my cousins are pregnant but I know they haven't announced it on ******** out of respect for me but that annoys me more! In a way I want people to carry on as normal because any special treatment makes the infertility more real if that makes sense.  X


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## Swifty84

So thinking about it I suppose I wish no one knew ( apart from a few friends who get it) but everyone at work does because of my op.  I cope quite well with new babies. However after discovering this site it's made me realise it's quite acceptable to be down about it. Glad im not on my own as it feels it sometimes


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## queenie81

I do feel very isolated, from my colleagues at work who have children, my friends who mostly all have children and generally society!!!! I have told a few people. Some people at work as I have to have time off for appts and am a teacher so cant have holiday or anything. I told one colleague who I am quite friendly with,after someone told me she had been making comments about me having random time off (for hospital appts) and I was fuming! I have told my parents only a couple of days ago and only.told them as I have a tube op coming up. I do feel that when people know they are different. I find most of my conversations with my friends, who know, are about ttc or infertility/ivf and it does feel like it is the only thing that defines you. On the other hand, it makes them more understanding and sensitive so I find I swing from not wanting anyone to know, to thinking sod it I've got nothimg to be ashamed of!


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## MissT (formally MissTurneriffic)

I have only just realised that i should have been more open from the start. I spent years saying 'maybe one day' etc when people asked us when we would start a family and I used to avoid pregnant people and things like baby showers. 

In the last 18mths -  2yrs I have done the opposite and pretty much everyone knows of our TTC issues and it's like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. There's no pressure to keep things secret. No hassle from friends if I'm not up for going out or don't want to go to x's 1st birthday party. I am pregnant now and if people ask me why it took so long and aren't I worried about being an older mummy I just say ' it took me 9yrs of TTC and this sadly is not my first pregnancy but hopefully will be my first baby - some people are not lucky enough to find it easy.....' that usually shuts them up and they become embarrassed or awkward. I like that they are embarrassed. So they should be for asking such a stupid question.

It also means that everyone around me knows how much of a little miracle my little baby will be when he is finally here and that they understand how worried I still am that something still might go wrong as anyone with IF or prev losses know that we will not relax til our baby is in our arms.

I hope you all have the 2014 you all want and deserve. Big hugs xxxx


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## queenie81

I too like that they are embarrassed...it is not easy for everyone but most people assume it is so iy is sometimes important to remind them of that. 

Not long now for you, how exciting x


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