# ED Abrorad or hear So confused



## louise007 (Feb 11, 2009)

Dear All
I am pretty new here-.Driving myself and DH mad! Started off convinced I would try ED at Lister again (failed 1st time),but since I have been on this site I am now looking into going abroad!!-Spain as slightly higher success rate -maybe..May even go to Ceram..However keep getting niggling worry about what to say to any child re anonymity.( Have spoken with Don conception newk) Would find it helpful to hear how others manage this issue or what plan to say..
Dont really want to stay in uk for this issue only, as want to maximize chance of success(cant afford to try again if this attempt fails too)However need to feel more able to manage anonymity issue.Has anyone else struggled with this?
Louise


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## mousey (Oct 18, 2008)

Hi Louise - just wanted to reply to your post . I had a failed donor cycle here and am just running up to a FET . After all the cycles I have had I am starting to feel exhausted by it all and really starting to feel my age  . If this one fails I would like to do another fresh cycle and then I really feel we have to stop . I have also been thinking about whether we would go abroad (also driving my dh mad )for our last cycle ( if it comes to that) for several reasons . 1.? whether there is a higher pregnancy rate with younger ,altruistic donors with no fertility issues and 2. the shorter waiting lists which for me at my age is important.
I would still want to tell our resulting child (hopefully) how they were conceived but I suppose the difference would be that they wont be able to trace the donor later . I hope that by being honest from the beginning that any resulting child will have a secure sense of identity that whether they are able to trace the donor or not will not make a difference to them . I may be being very naive and I havent talked to our counsellor or the DCN yet but probably will if this is the route we take . The things that have gone through may head as initial thoughts have been telling the child that a very kind women from (whichever country ) donated her eggs to give us a chance to have a much wanted child . I even had mad thoughts about making a child very aware of any cultural background- language ,culture etc . Lots of children are adopted from abroad and I suppose I view the process I am going through as 'adoption before birth ' but this is just a very personal view and I would love to hear how other people have dealt with this issue 

All the best for whatever you decide 

M x


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Louise and Mousey
These are very difficult decisions to make and I know many of our members struggle with them.  About ten per cent of DC Network members needing egg donation have been abroad, or are currently having treatment outside the UK and they have addressed the issue of anonymous donors/having little information in various ways.  All believe that being open from the beginning will help their child integrate their origins into their sense of who they are so that 'difference' is perceived as interesting/normal, rather than something to be worried about.  Some are planning to make their child aware of the cultural background/language of their donor from the beginning, others have decided to leave this up to the curiosity of the child.  They certainly plan to answer questions confidently and, if necessary, to say that in an ideal world they would have chosen to know more about the donor, but that this was not possible at the time.
Do join us at the Network to explore these issues further.  Everyone is welcome, whether treatment is taking place or being considered in the UK or abroad.
Very best wishes with your decision making.
Olivia


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## Mandy42 (Mar 26, 2004)

Hi Louise

Its a difficult decision and very personal so you must do what you feel is best for you, your family and the child.  

I went to Spain for DE and am lucky to now have 2 children (same donor as 1 was a fresh cycle and the other a FET from our spare embies) plus my own naturally conceived dd.  We have been quite open with eldest dd about her siblings origins.
As soon as she started getting interested in where babies came from (around 5) I bought a basic sex education book from Waterstones and also "Our story" from the DC website.  I found this useful at basic explanation. My eldest dd is now 10 and we have gone into a bit more detail with her.  Our 3 year old Olivia is not interested yet in where babies come from but we often read "Our story" together.  So far she does not really understand but I hope she will become comfortable with the whole idea in time.  We will do the same with her brother Sebastian (just turned 12 months).  

We decided to keep things as open as possible with our children but that is my own personal decision and that of my partner.  He probably would have been more inclined to keep things secret but in the end came round to my view.  
Just take your time over your decision and I am sure you will come to the right one for you.  

All the best

Mandy


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## Jane D (Apr 16, 2007)

Hi Louise and Mousey

I found it helpful to speak to the counsellor at my UK clinic to go over implications.  They give you the space to think things through and find your own decision and they never judge.  It is hard at first, but the DC network books are also a very useful resource. I went to Spain as I wanted to give myself the best possible chance for the reasons you mentioned, and also we could only afford to do it once.  Louise - I was at Ceram. If you want further info, pm me anytime.

Mandy - lovely to hear your story - I have 4 year old bio daughter who is v interested in babies and where they come from.  She does not yet know I am pregnant through DEIVF.  she will love reading all about it though I am certain.  

Good luck to everyone, wherever you decide to go.

Jane


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## louise007 (Feb 11, 2009)

Dear Ladies
THANK YOU ALL so much for your helpful messages.Relieved to see that it is posible to explain the issue re annonymity in a way that is ok and one can be confident about it.
I also have a 6 year old so will have to explain to her to ,one day if we are lucky.
Jane I have sent you an email asking about Ceram specifically.Not sure if it went through-please let me me know if dont get it.
Best wishes to you all.
Louise


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