# Guidance.....



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Well you all know I have been grumpy, and we have had two children fall through.

We have been shortlisted between another couple and ss want to meet us.

With the other children we were instantly drawn, these ones, I am not so sure.

No real draw.  But equally didn't say no.  They are quite sweet I guess.  Worried slightly older than I wanted, the youngest being just two.  Would I miss out too much?

Didn't have any major desires for baby, not that we'd get one, but there would be no option....  Would I miss it, or would life get on.

Really don't know what we want anymore.  The last week has been so stressful and full of tears, I think dh will want to divorce me!! He's like adoption is killing me!!

Just wondered how people felt.... Do you know when you know? is slow burn just as ok? Did you go for something you didn't think you wanted and does the visit really help you in deciding either way?  

Thanks so much xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Oh forgetmenot definitely! Our lo had such a brief profile. It was basically nothing to stop us and the fact he was so young was the big draw. When we first saw his picture I definitely wasn't convinced, he was cute but there was no "wow" and I was so worried it was the wrong thing. 
I couldn't have been more wrong, lo is completely perfect and it wasn't love at first sight even with a cute baby but it was there very quickly once he was home. He's been with us 6 weeks and I couldn't be more in love with him, when he's in bed I often look through pics of him and see his little face and my heart just melts all over again. He completely is our world now and it feels like he's always been here.


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## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

Hello lovely. 

we new straight away that for us they were the ones. but we hadnt had two links fall  thro maybe yoir just nervous that could happen again. 

our little ones are aged 1 and 3. we originally said as young as possible 0-2.......but as time went on we completely changed our mind. and went to the age of 3 at the oldest....our eldest is over 3 tho but they are prefect. 

dont let this journey ruin your relationship that is going to make you into a great family xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

He's just worried about me... All the tears lol and only at the easy bit!!

The others we were drawn too..... And because were not I am worried.  And because they are older.  The ones we were drawn too, were older still.... And they were ok.

We have read their par and nothing horrendous as far as it goes.... How does anyone come out the other end xx


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## kimmieb (May 9, 2013)

I'm at this stage too - we have seen quite a few CPR's but not getting a 'connection' to them.

We have recently upped our age to 5 from 4 and seeing lots more profiles for doing this.

And we have just decided that we are being drawn more to profiles with girls in them - so we have just changed to say must have a girl so either 1 girl, 2 girls or 1 boy and 1 girl.

My DH especially is struggling to feel anything for a picture - it seems so alien to him that he really struggles.

We have been approved since July 2014 now so it just seems harder and harder as time goes on!


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

We loved LOs profile but I must say seeing his picture did nothing for me. He was gorgeous but I felt no 'draw' in fact, I didn't until weeks after he'd come home. I felt protective, I cared for him and superficially loved him, as I do all children, but it took time for love to grow. He is utterly perfect for us and so incredibly like me, most people make comments about it regardless of whether they know he's adopted.

Our son was only 10mths when he came home but for me, I've enjoyed 2yrs+ much more. His personality really shines through, he has his own humour and likes/ dislike and at 2yrs they are growing and developing every single day. I love to see all the incredible developments and milestones he leaps through now on a daily basis! 
Another advantage is that the types of holidays and activities you can do increases with each year that passes and you can do more and more things that you all enjoy rather than just 'little kiddy'.


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Sorry to read Kim x waiting is hard and so many variables,
Though you try not to compare, you still do!

It's just the unknown.... It's so hard!!!
I have been drawn and equally can say no, but these two can't say either way!!! 

Xx


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi there
We first saw our LO profile at start of stage 2!! Sw was testing us out as we were considering sibling groups, assessment focus is quite different. we thought ok sounds ok, then saw photo, and I was like ok they seem fine! We didn't think omg they are ours but couldn't see reasons why they shouldn't. We got to see them and briefly interact and even though the instinct to nurture kicked in, we still weren't completey in love or anything ( horrendously pressured day and we found we were in a competitive match ). It was only when we met sw and FC pre panel it became more exciting, we were generally scared, anxious, worrying etc. that a group of 3 was too much.
Youngest was 18 months at placement and I would have liked a bit younger, but dh. Didn't do babies and I think he is only really now seeing the advantages as we see the growth and changes. I got to baby all of them a bit, skin contact, feeding, changing, they regress at start of placement.
6 months down the line I am so in love. First day I actually got called mummy and to hold my middle one was magical and by the end of intros I would say everyday I felt tears well up at how adorable they are. I realise that we are very lucky. I sobbed with happiness when I got back into the car after dropping off the AO paperwork , 2 of my monkeys had come with me and they pranced and sang all way to court and back! 
  My youngest isnow 2 and yes we didn't see many firsts, but you get so many firsts with you as a family that overrides the others. First baths, first outing, first trip to seaside, first visit to school, first meal out etc
I think  sometimes for me I feel grief that I didn't actually bring these gorgeous children into the world and that they suffered early in their  lives and I couldn't protect them, as if affects them all in different ways.
But I know that I will do everything in my power to make their lives fulfilling and filled with love. A feeling that I hoped I would have, but looking at the cpr I just didn't have.
So unless something doesn't feel right don't worry about the instant draw. I think you will also be protecting yourself after your previous knock backs.


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Hiya, 

We were initially linked with a little boy that we really felt was the one. We 'knew' instantly and were convinced it was meant to be. When it fell through, we were devastated. After that, we didn't feel any sort of connection with any profiles. I think this was probably a bit of self-preservation. If you've already invested emotionally in a child, it's hard to break that and start afresh (and not compare). 

We saw a lot of profiles and there were a few we queried about but nothing ever came of them. When we saw the profile for our children, I didn't really 'feel' anything - certainly not an instant 'YES!' like I'd had with the previous LO, but we proceeded because there was no reason to say no. We met their SW and saw a DVD and I still didn't really get emotional or feel anything like I had with that first profile. But still, there was no reason to say no and they seemed like lovely kids and from all we'd seen and heard, they'd be a great match for us. Long story short, we were matched and they've been with us 10 months now   The love grows all the time but it was definitely the right match. They're our kids now and I can't imagine life without them (though a few hours would be nice ) 

Oh - and our DS was just turning 2 when he was placed. I also worried about feeling like I'd missed out on things, but I haven't at all. It was actually a really exciting age for him to come to us, as he was learning new words and doing new things almost daily. And we got to skip all the sleepless nights and baby sick and stuff


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thank you so much phinne and dandlebean.

Phinnie I have followed your story.  So glad things are going well.  I have enquired about a couple of three groups..... Dh is like noooooo but I keep going wait and hear.... Though in realit I think two would be better.  I think you have done so well xx

You give me hope dandle.  I think coz she is on the cusp of being little but getting older.... I think if we had two, we wouldn't adopt again.  It's another three weeks til we can meet them, and almost her birthday, so judging by how slow things have been so far... Would be months.

Was really disappointed our meeting was cancelled, so that's something, but every week is another week in care for them . So I don't know.  There is nothing to say no yet....

Just want life to start and I know I feel like I am trying to rush things, and in a way yes.... But I know it needs to be right.

Xxx


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