# My insensitive Mum



## amethyst_uk

Hi guys

I'm using you as a bit of a sounding board really as I reckon that feelings are better off out than in!  I have jsut endured 3 days with my mum and her partner visiting.  Now, don't get me wrong - I love my mum very much, but am beginning to wonder if she has any ability to empathise with other people.

My sister-in-law (and step sister) are pregnant - my younger brother's baby will be my mum's first grandchild and don't I just know it.  I have just put up with non-stop baby talk for 3 whole days.  Pregnancy symptoms, eating habits - even how easy it is to have a baby as all my brother and his wife had to do was have sex for a week and there you go - baby made!

Now, I know I should have asked her to stop going on about it, but somehow I didn't seem to have the right words and just nodded and made the right sounds in the right places.  My mum knows we have been ttc for 2 years and that we are on this hideous fertility "journey", yet seems to not think about how we must be feeling with all our family and friends falling pg without any problems at all.  I just want to shout at her to shut-up, but that doesn't make me a very nice person, does it?  She's only excited about her grandchild after all....

It also appears that she tells everyone that she comes into contact with about our failure to conceive.  We're private people and assumed that she would keep this personal information private - apparently not.  The sad thing is that now we feel that we have no choice but to lie to her when we start either IUI or IVF as she will be telling everyone our business.

ARGH!!!


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## chatterbox44

Hello

I know what you mean about other people i also have a sister in law pregnant and my partners brothers girlf is also pregnant (which i find annoying as they arent in a position to support a child at the moment they are still children themselves and very immature) we have been trying about a year now and nothing. So with the other babies in the family due over the next few months baby talk is everywhere on my partners side of the family !!!!! I get sooooo upset too.

I would maybe have a quiet chat with your mum she may not see how things are upsetting you. We can all help each other on  this site and we will all get there in the end hun. Keep in touch

xx


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## malbec

Oh Amethyst that's sooooo rubbish  

So annoying that you'd like to think being older would make people - especially our parents - wiser and more insightful!

I wonder whether you need to get this off your chest to your mum by letting her know how it made you feel? But it is difficult to know what would be best for you - it depends how she wouold react I guess - whether it might make her think in future about trying to be more tactful or if she is someone who wouldn't recognise that she might have been insensitive and would fall out with you. Again, depends how close you are but if you have an opportunity to get together just the 2 of you for a girly lunch or something maybe you could give her more insight into how difficult the whole situation is and how it's hard to hear of others getting pg / having babies etc? That make her feel pleased about you confiding more in her whilst giving you the time to tell her how private it is and how you'd apprecate her discretion?

If that's just not what you want to spend time doing however I think I would instead prescribe ignoring your ma and going for a glass of wine with a good friend who you could have a good moan about it to!

As for your mum telling others the details of your fertility - sounds like you really do need to say something about that if nothing else. Have you already tried dropping hints in conversation like 'obviously it's a very private matter and therefore most of our friends don't know' or 'we'd appreciate you keeping it confidential as we don't want the whole family knowing and waiting for news as it makes me feel under more pressure'....

Good luck!

xx


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## ♥JJ1♥

if i were you I would say that you are happy for the others in your family to have their baby and be pregnant and look forward to meeting your neices and nephews but as she knows you and DH/DP are having difficulty TTC and you find all her talk about the new babies in the family difficult to handle, but you can appreciate her excitement but you would appreciate if she didn't mention it, as it is very painful.  I would also say that you don't want her discussing your treatment with anyone else as you are private and you will share your treatment if you want others to know.  Say to her that you hope she repsects your wishes as you do need her support through this and you would hate you relationship to suffer, or you be forced to not tell her anything and be struggling when you value her support.

Good Luck
Lx


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## Irish Dee

Hi Amethyst_uk,

I wrote this post regarding 'other people's pregnancies' and have asked a few less sensitive people around me to read it.  Sometimes the written word hits harder.

Dee
*******************************************************
OTHER PEOPLE'S PREGNANCIES:

If you had a friend who was stood up at the alter on their wedding day, everyone and I mean EVERYONE would be very careful not to talk about their own wedding and no one would be shoving wedding albums at them and asking them which centre piece would be good for their own big day.

If you had a friend whose house had been repossessed, no one would be bragging about their new extensions and asking them to admire their homes and help choose colour schemes.

If you had a friend who was made redundant, you would not constantly talk about how much you love your job and how marvellous it was.

Why oh why, is it then, that we are 'allowed' to be slightly jealous about jobs/homes/weddings etc, but for some reason no one thinks twice about handing you scan pictures and telling you oh, we're having a boy/girl and the ONLY acceptable response is for you to almost be as excited as them.  And if that's not bad enough, other people too will fill you in on all the details of the pregnancy and a blow by blow account of what is happening.  

It does not happen with anything else in life and we are not expected to be over the moon for any other achievements made by any of our friends/family, but when a baby is on the horizon, we all have to be deliriously happy.  I just don't get it.

I've never heard anyone say that it was 'selfish' of a friend not to be chuffed for their friend's 'house/job/wedding' except when you are talking about babies.

I think the honest answer is that just people don't understand for a minute how crushing and breathtakingly sad infertility is.

Everyone can appreciate the other scenarios because they understand the other things. It must be like someone in a wheelchair with no legs trying to explain how it feels, but until you sit in that chair, will you ever really understand?

If I'm honest, I did not understand the impact of infertility until it touched my life. I was not aware that infertility is carried with you like an invisible cloak, marking you as slightly different from all those around you.

I remember back in the days before infertility crept into and put a shadow on my life, I would hear about miscarriages and 'IVF' and 'infertility' and I did not really give it much thought at all. But when it leaked into my life, I could not even begin to try to explain to other people how it feels not to be able to do, what should be, the most natural thing in the world.  It is the thing that we share on FF.  

I could go on, but I have a tendency to rant.

We are like a silent army, marching towards Motherhood!!

To all the strong fabulous women, struggling every day with this, our time will come.


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## shazkowalski

Hi Amethyst!

I can see why you needed to vent- how insensitive! I can understand how it makes you feel- I haven't even told my mum about us starting the IVF journey as she lacks in the understanding nature too!

Just try to shake her thoughtlessness off and think that it will be worth it in the long run. Have a good rant about her to your other half- am sure that they are thinking the same thing! Big    

Shaz
xxxx


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## Griffo78

Hi there, my mum can be insensitive too.  Although she finds it generally hard to be tactful, show empathy or be understanding because she has bipolar.  I only recently told her that about our troubles with ttc, although she is well meaning she can't help going on about who has children and that she has seen so and so baby and how cute they are etc.  She also keeps telling me that I need to relax which is the last thing I want to hear!  

Wishing you loads of luck xx


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## tegg

amethyst
I new here, but when mums say things that hurt they always seem to hurt so much more in my opinion... my mum has the tact of a gnat and even now she can say such hurtful things even when she trying not to which for me i just find more upsetting...

told mum last week about fsh levels and doc thinking the last five years of ill health was down to menopause and how empty and sad i feel not had children with my own eggs... her reply i know just how you feel..... HELLO mum i got two brothers and a sister and we all look like you in some way... (oh dear did i just admit that :O) 

so a big fat hug sent your way and to any one else in need...


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## sweetielol

If I was you I would speak to your mum and explain how you feel and although you know she is excited and you are happy for her, you just need her to be a bit more considerate of how hard it is for you to have to listen to all the baby talk when you are struggling to concieve.

I really understand how you feel, my mum does not think she just says

Mel x


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## amethyst_uk

Thanks girlies for all your replies of support and empathy.  I'm almost glad to know that it isn't just me that has problems with insensitive families.

I did speak to my mum in a round about way (I'm a chicken when it comes to confrontation!).  DH and I recently found out our chance of conceiving naturally is pretty much zero, which has been a little bit challenging to deal with.  I told my mum this and that we didn't want to hear anything about anyone who was pregnant (unless it's important - I'm not that selfish  ) and that we wouldn't be seeing any of our pregnant friends until we had dealt a little more with our feelings about it all.  Self preservation I like to call it!  So far, she has complied with our wishes and not mentioned my SIL or SS pregnancies.

Thankfully we don't have to wait long to start our first IUI, but we have decided that we (and all of you!  ) are the only people who know about it.  This way, any insensitivity about our IF will be accidental, which I will find much easier to cope with.

Part of me feels selfish to keep this to ourselves (esp as DH is an only child and his mum may never be a granny), but I think it is the best way for us.

So thank you to you all because without all of you here who listen to my rants and moans and who offer me support and advice, who knows where my head would be!  

Thank you!  

Am x


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## malbec

Hey Amesthyst - sorry to hear that you had that news. I'm glad you were able to have the convo with your mum. Totally understand why you want to keep the IUI plans to yourself. Treat it like a little private secret between yourself and your hubby (and us of course for peer support!)

I'm the sort of person who has quite a few different close friends and I like to open up to them. So, there are quite a few people who know we're going for IVF and who I'll have to update on how things are going. I'm already thinking that's going to increase the pressure I put myself under to succeed. So many people to disappoint if it doesn't work out.

There is a girl in my dept at work who went through IVF and I would like to talk to her about it when I'm about to start treatment (probably late May) but am worried it will just be yet another person who knows what's going on which might make me feel really panicky about it working out. I guess she'll be a lot more discreet and understanding than most though. To be fair our families and close friends have all been fantastic on the whole and havem't said 'the wrong thing'. My friends wait for me to bring up 'how things are going' or ask me in quite senstive ways at least. So hard when one of my closest friends is preggo with twins though, I almost feel like my situation stops her being able to be excited when we're all together.

I'll stop rambling now - maybe I shouldn't have poured that 3rd glass of wine!

xx


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## Kitty71

Hi Amethyst,

I'm glad you have been able to talk to your mum about it and hopefully she will abide by your wishes.

I have recently fallen out with my mum over her insensitivity and total lack of compassion regarding fertility treatment and I have not spoken to her now for nearly 3 months. I miss her alot but I know that we would row if we spoke and I don't think it would be good for me to be stressed right now as times are challenging enough at the moment.

You think the one person who will understand is your mum but unless they struggled to concieve (mine didn't I was a happy accident) they really have no comprehension what an agony infertility is.

Hope all goes well with your treatment,

Kitty


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## jasalice08

Hi Amythest
It was really interesting to read your post and I'm so sorry that your step sister and sister in law are preggers. I'm also sorry about your mum's tactlessness. Do you know what, my mother had 8 children, two girls, me and my older sister and 6 boys. I'm telling you this as my sister and I have both suffered with infertility as it's so ironic. We are going for a consultation tomorrow at Care Manchester which has taken me ages to convince my husband to do. We've been TTC for about the same length of time as you.
In that time my sister in law had a baby, my sister had a baby ( through IVF which is allowed) and a friend who I used to go to have a coffee with every week a nd complain about my infertility issues, told me she was pregnant and is due in July- all that time- and she was sitting there pregnant and she told me, " don't be upset" I felt so hurt and said, " I have a right to be upset". Also two other women at work are due in Summer. I feel so gutted and this is the most painful thing I've ever been through. I work with children and young people and when I hear of young people getting pregnant in my job or having abortions that adds to the pain. I'm coping though - I wish you all the luck with your journey. xxxx


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## malbec

Hi Jasalice, I had a similar experience to you with your coffee friend, we'd been trying for 10 months and the pressure was really starting to build. I guess we'd been lucky that no-one we knew had announced they were expecting in that time, but then it hit me hard - the first one was a colleague who I manage at work. When I found out she was 2 months pregnant (4 months after she got married) I felt incredibly jealous and hard done by. I'd already planned everything in my head (e.g. what could happen in our dept when I took mat leave) and she was spoiling my plans! It was my turn!

When I told my husband that she was pregnant and started crying he was really hostile and unsympathetic (he is v supportive now but at the time was going through a biot of a mid life crisis and was convinced the problem with us not conceiving was his age - he was approaching 40 at the time and finding it hard, think he blamed me in a way for not agreeing to ttc earlier). Anyway, the worst thing was I confided in a good friend who I work with that tihs girl was pregnant and how hard I'd found it etc etc, basically totally opened up to her about how i felt, so imagine how mortified I was when she told me a month later that she was actually pregnant too.

I felt terrible thinking about how she must have felt when I was ranting knowing she was pregnant but also felt very hurt that she hadn't even told me she was TTC even though I had confided in her when we had started (as she had asked). I can see from her perspective that they started ttc and got pregnant within 2 weeks (ARGH) and of course then wanted to shield me from it until she was 12 wks and ready to tell the world. But, it didn't stop it hurting.

xxx


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## zinabee

Oh GOD do I know how you feel!   My husband and I came to this new city about two years ago it's also when my husband and I started trying to conceive and found out we had problems, that is also the time that I  met like 4 other girls I always hung out with their "group" and now all 4 of  them and THEIR SISTERS are pregnant!! You can just imagine how left out I felt when everytime they get together it's the baby talk!!   I just want to tell them to shut up too but I'm the one throwing them the baby showers and visiting them at the hospital when they have their baby... Sometimes I feel like not having a social life and just staying at home...but I know it will drive me mad.


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## vicsut

Hi,

Yes , people can be incredibly insensitive. One of my best friends who is 8 months pregnant with her second child says things like, "its hard when your a mum" or, "you  dont know unless your a mum". I can feel very left out. I have explained how her comments can make me feel and she feels bad and doesnt think when she is speaking. I know she wouldnt want to hurt me. Then after our failed iui in May my mother in law who is into spirituality proceeded to tell me, just after I had told her the test was negative that "there was a baby but it died"....I am still quite traumatised by this but have to realise that in some bizzare way she felt she was helping me....so , people can say awful things and we just have to be as strong as we can and try and disregard upsetting comments. But I will never forget what my mum in law said and my feelings towards her have changed unfortunately and I dont think they will ever come back


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## dd_b

Dear Amethyst.
Sometimes I don't know want is wrong with people!
I have a younger brother (B) who got married and at the wedding his mother in law said to me 'oh you have a boyfriend , I thought you'd be a spinster' Cheers for that.

Then my b thought it would be good to tell everyone after his wife had just done a test that they were PG. It was valentines day, I was working with young kids, which was getting increasingly upsetting and I had had a bad row with BF. I was not in a good place and against my parents advice he decided to call me at work and tell me they were 4 days PG. Really sensitive. Then it just got worse and worse. My dad, my mum and myself all said to him to keep it minimal with me due to me TTC. But that didn't happen, it was dilemas over pushchairs, carriers etc...

You know the story- hoping to be PG, but Af arriving and then crying. About 4 months later, my Af arrived, while in tears I looked at my emails. My  B had set up a blog about 'their pregnancy' and it was the most nauseating thing I've ever read. 'I've named the lion on the curtains today after our friend billy, the giraffe after tom our other friends, honestly, it was sick. To think I had asked, and my parents to be spared this and they didn't give a  about my feelings. I then got daily posts , where the blog contained polls to vote 'will my baby like mushrooms?' I guess it should really have said 'will my baby become an egotist megalomaniac like their parents?'. I asked of course to be unsubscribed. A rather curt email if I remember.

Then I lost my job. A job that I had given up my own business for. Then their baby arrived. I then a week later I had M/c. I couldn't go and visit, I was in too much emotional pain. But I did go a month later. It was hard. But he made it worse- he went on for half an hour at least... ' I am so lucky, I have a good job, I have a £600.000 house, I have £30,000 in savings, I have a baby and beautiful wife'. Over and over. Honestly, I don't know how I didn't attack him with something.  He knew that I had lost my job, no money/savings, house insecure due to no funds....and then I had a M/c (actually he didn't know that, he just knew I was TTC it was an issue) and he just went on and on....

As I left with BF, I said -right that is it. One more episode and that's it -no B.
So Xmas arrives and on Xmas day I open the card he has left for me and it read- And bear in mind I am 40 and his wife is a teacher and I had just had M/C....
_'Teachers have changed the nativity play for a younger audience. The three wise men bring presents of baby wipes'

_My dadhad a sat nav from him and had a sat nav joke card, my mum had been making curtains and got a card about curtains.Honestly, You couldn't make it up!_ What an absolute_ 
They are now expecting their second as 'they didn't want to be like me'_. Thanks
_
I still haven't seen them and that's the way I would like it to remain.My best friend also said to my 2nd mc, 'oh well it was only some cells, it wasn't a baby'. But generally she's ok, so I still see her. But the whole thing makes you feel so alone.And when you see others get lucky without hassle it is annoying_.

_Anyway, I wanted to point out that people can be cruel even family who you don't expect it from, and that you don't have to tolerate it.

But, it is tough call if it is your mum. So, I hope you managed to sort it out with her.  x

By the way since writing this my folks have called and said not to involve them with details of my tx, and they don't want to offer me any support. Honestly, can you believe it! Dumped by BF and dumped by my family.  Thanks


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