# Questions to ask SW after a long wait for match



## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi Everyone,

On Friday we have a 'catchup' meeting with our SW.

As those of you who have been following our adoption journey will know, we were approved to adopt in April 2008 and have been matched to quite a few children since then, but none of these have been successful matches for one reason or another.

Since October, we have asked to only be told about children where it would not be a competitive match and we would be the only couple considered. This is because we have had too much heartache with losing out on a baby boy last summer to another couple and cannot face going through this again.

Also, we have asked to only be considered for children form our SW's area (as we live out of this area) and not see any children outside the area - again as we would hope we have more chance on being matched as our SW and SS know us wel.

Now I am worried that we are limiting ourselves too much. 

What questions should we be asking our SW on Friday? I want to make the most of this meeting. 

Obviously she cannot 'magic' child/ren out of thin air, but how can we be proactive, without appearing too pushy?

How much longer should we wait? I'm worried that we are wanting a child that just does not exist unless they are your own and thinking of trying surrogacy or something.

Can't do this much longer.

love Bluebells xx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya bluebells

we have kind of 'spoken' before and i wanted to send u a massive  

im not sure if ur limiting urself, as such, i know how much heartbreak you have gone thru. i know a few people on this site have sent their own details to different authorities, which may be an idea?  is there not also a national register type thing? (i think as we were in scotland this wouldnt have helped us if we were still waiting). have u looked at cww and be my parent etc?  

im sorry if this isnt much help and i hope that your sw'er has some news at least for you.  

lots of luck and love

camly x x x x


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Hi Camly, thanks for your advice.
I think we were on the National Register, but as we have now asked to only be considered for children in the area our SS and SW cover (after a bad experience with a competitive match outside our LA), I don't know if we still will be.
It's such a balancing act, weighing up whether to have the heartache or see more children's details.
I'm very confused about it all.

Bluebells xxx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

could you not still be considered for competitve matches but ask not to be told? everybody has to have an interview with a childs sw and wait to see if the sw considers them to be the right couple..would it be so different if you just didnt know if you were the only ones or not?

kj x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

Sorry to read you are still waiting to be matched (((hugs)))

It may be worth asking your SW how many couples are waiting in the agency for the same age range of children and whether they consider people who have been waiting the longest first if all else is equal.  This is what our LA were doing when we were approved as they had more than 20 'family units' waiting for under 4s.

Your approval age range and 1 or 2 children is fairly open though it may be worth asking if going to 0-5 would be better?  If its like our LA 0-4 would mean that you would not be considered for a child of 4yrs 1month.

I agree with KJ about being considered for competitive matches but not knowing.  Even when you are the only couple being considered there are no guarantees, a SW can say no and request more form fs.  Only being considered for children from your agency can limit you so I would seriously consider looking further a field as well.  

Do you have a flyer you could send out to other LAs?  If not it may be worth doing, you have nothing to lose and you just may find your family out there somewhere.  There are many people who wait longer than you have before finding their family but only you can decide whether you are able to wait, its certainly not easy the waiting or deciding whether to go down another avenue.

Good luck with your meeting, I hope you get some positive news and find your family soon.
OT x


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## emsina (May 23, 2005)

Yes it is difficult to know what to do for the best.  We were definitely on the verge of giving up when we were advised of our little girl and I am convinced to this day that turning down children did an awful lot of damage to our case.  The s/w’s wouldn’t let it lie when we were going to matching panel for this littlie either.

I know you had a bad experience outside the LA, but you could be limiting yourself by only going local.  We were actively discouraged going outside the LA.  They stated a matching process could take months and months.  Well guess what – the matching process within the LA took months and months!

We always knew where we were on the list of families waiting, so I am sure it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask.

No-one can tell you what to do, but hopefully you will come to a decision you and DH are at peace with.  I know how stressful this is as I’ve been there.

Best wishes,
emsina xx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Camley, Keemjay, OT and Emsina,

Thanks for your advice, it helped with asking our SW questions this morning. 

We are still in the consortium and so are being considered for children outside our SW's LA, which is good because they are quiet in terms of children that match us. (Many mixed race children which we would love to be considered for, but it is not their policy)

I mentioned sending our profile out to other LA's and SW says that she has done fliers, but it might be a good idea to update our profile photo and re-send out. She did say they have our details in terms of match, but I think that would be more of a data base. She does send out profiles though and has recently sent our Form F to another LA who have a child she thinks might be suitable. This would probably be a competitive match, but we do want to find out more and we have been asked to be considered for competitive matches in general again too, so this will hopefully increase our chances. 

She knows our concerns about the long wait and we also told her that we would rather see more children's details again (and risk a bumpy ride), than limit ourselves too much and have a longer wait.

So, we are going to get a very good friend and photographer to take a nice yummy mummy and daddy picture of us in a couple of days and ask our SW to send out our profile again.

Feels good to be doing something proactive and we are keeping our fingers crossed about the child she thinks might be suitable. She is going to try and find out more.

Best get back to work - trying to write my self-appraisal today. Oh joy!

love from Bluebells xxx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hiya

Great to hear your meeting was a productive one and you feel you have done something to move forward.

Heres hoping for the recent link      

xxx


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## bluebells (Apr 3, 2006)

Thanks Wynnster. I'm praying too. 
B x


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

glad ur feeling bit better blue - here's hoping for some good news soon.      x x x


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## emsina (May 23, 2005)

Glad you had a good meeting.  It all sounds positive and I'd hang in there for now!


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Good to hear meeting was positive, hope you find your family soon.
OT x


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