# Second time adoption - intros and existing child?



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Any input, please?

I'd like to understand a bit more about the practicalities of intros for a second time adoption, and how your existing (in this case adopted) child is involved?

I've got the impression from prep that the first one or two days will be just parents and new child, then introducing existing child a few hours at a time from then on.

Ours will be an out of area adoption, so my mind is boggling a bit about what happens to poor Bug while this is going on.  Do we need to have a third person with us at whatever accommodation SS will provide to care for him while we're doing intros?  

I had thought that he wouldn't be there for the first day or two, but I hadn't realised that after that he wouldn't be there for full days.... 

If anyone could share their experience/intros timetables/how they managed existing child I'd be really grateful.

Thanks.


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Our 2nd adoption was out of area, placing LA hired us a cottage big enough for us, our older son and my mum who came to look after him whilst we were with our new daughter, 1st 2 days were just us, then 3rd day we took our son, we'd all then went out for Sunday lunch, us, FC, children in placement with FC and my mum, after that we picked our daughter up and took her to the cottage and we were all involved including my mum. After 6 days she came to stay at ours for a couple of nights, she then went back to FC had a good bye day and we picked her up the day after and brought her home. My mum went home when we did our few days at home ax she lives in the opposite direction, FC was some what in the middle of us.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

That helps, Miny, thanks.  Sounds like we need to sound out family to see if they would be able to help.    Bug has a favourite aunty who would be brilliant, but she's not available during term time, sadly.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

I'll be back later to add our experience AoC.
One thing I would say though is to be tough and stand your ground with things you don't agree with for intros (regarding the wellbeing of Bug). I know you would anyway, but just wanted to warn you that it could be necessary. 
Our SW was lovely, but our little lady's SW was extremely dismissive of little man's needs and how he'd possibly be affected throughout. We managed to have our view and suggestions for compromise respected in the end but it took some doing.
Fortunately our SW backed us and agreed totally. 

Will be back with a rough idea of how it was organised later.

Anj  
x


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## liveinhope (Jan 8, 2008)

Our match is out of county too.  The placing authority have been pretty good so far and agreed to pay for another hotel room so a carer can come with us to care for DS.  That's why intros are in Easter hols as they probably could've started very slightly earlier.  The family finder has been brilliant in considering DS needs which is nice

Would be interested to see how your intros looked Anj

LIH xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

We've just had intros for sibling...

Was tough, had to stand a lorra ground as they wanted to dump us with our 18m LO in tiny travel lodge...

LO was with us everyday @ FC. He had only been placed 8 months or we'd have had a different plan with a relative.

Good luck :-D x


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

Recently adopted our second. It was foster to adopt but intros much like normal adoption route. Social workers had a plan for intros and how we should introduce our son to lo but it was a mad plan and thankfully they were happy to adjust it knowing we knew our son best and what would work for him. LO was only 4 months old and our son 3.5yrs. He only met baby a couple of times during intros and the rest of time was with family. That worked well for us but all children are different and you know what will be best for your son so don't be afraid to voice any concerns as it's so important to get it right.


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi AOC, we had eight nights away in total for intros number 2 with child number three. We stood our ground on what we were prepared to do and not do, as Anjelissa said. 
We had four nights without our eldest two - who stayed at my mums and then four nights with them. It worked ok but quite stressful.they wanted us to take do things that wouldn't work but they did bring intros forward so that dd didn't miss any school. 
I wasn't totally comfortable leaving kids with my mum but what choice did I have. I found it quite hard but 13 weeks in and it was all worth it x x x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Continued from earlier....

As far as I remember, we met little lady on day one at FC's for an hour (without little man).
Day 2 we then went for 2 hours again without little man, (including a drive in our car with FC and little lady).
Day 3 we took DS, and was for about 3 hours, (including taking little lady out for a walk in pushchair).
If I remember correctly, we put our foot down about any more heavy involvement with DS as it would have served no purpose and would have been counterproductive for both children, everyone agreed.
I stayed overnight in a hotel the next night to cover bedtime and wake up routine at FC's house.
I think the next day FC came with little lady to ours (DS was at school most of the day but saw DD for an hour before FC took her back to her home).
The following couple of days were at our house with us collecting her and dropping her back to FC at night.
I think in total her SW wanted it to be 14 days! 
By about day 8 we all had a meeting at FC's house (pre-arranged to see how it was all going) and everyone including FC, FC's SW, and our SW agreed that to prolong intros further would start to become counterproductive and potentially damaging to the brilliant progress made. Little lady was reacting really well to us but was starting to get a bit tired and ratty. We also could see that it would start to upset FC's children and our DS. Our lovely SW, bless her, added in that everyone was just getting very tired and she could see no benefit to anyone to continue to 14 days.
It was then agreed that after a day off for FC and her family to say goodbye, and for us to regroup, we would bring her home the morning after (in total it was 10 days).  

I think the main point would be to make sure when you have the planning meeting to be prepared that you will likely have to push back on a few things, not just for Bug's wellbeing but for sheer practicality of managing the 2 children.
I know our experience was quite common, and it is totally possible to have a successful intro period whilst balancing the needs of both children, I just think that as parents of our first lo's we have to go in ready to fight for them (of course alongside not jeopardising the intro process for our second child).

As waterkerfuffle said, you know what's best for your child and in fairness to your new addition's team, they may not totally be clued up on his specific needs or how he's likely to react.

On that note, just one other thing, and without mentioning any specifics, something was suggested to us that we felt very strongly would be detrimental to our DS's wellbeing (our SW agreed and was quite frankly amazed at the suggestion).
It was something that could be a trigger to any adopted child and affect their sense of security. It felt as if our DD's SW had double standards slightly, seeing as right from the beginning we are educated to the specific needs that all adopted children have in common (alongside additional specific ones born from history and circumstance).
As our Son was from a different LA it just felt as if this rule ceased to apply   
Like us, I know you wont take any nonsense with regards to Bug's wellbeing, but I just thought it may be useful to go in forewarned that not all suggestions made regarding your intro plan will be made with him in mind.

In our case they were quite dismissive of our views in this regard, but we still managed to tweak the intro plan into one that didn't compromise either child's wellbeing or sense of security. 
At the end of the day, along with it being a HUGE event for your new addition, it is equally a HUGE event for Bug, you of course know that, but with all the planning and logistics involved it sometimes takes us as parents to give suggestions to make it work I think.
In your case this will also be regarding being away from home etc. 
I'd go to the planning meeting with ideas of what could work, and then if it's miles away from the suggested plan, hopefully you can reach some sort of compromise to make it practical and positive for all of you  

Another thought (last one ), myself and DH were allowed to tag-team it a bit (after the initial couple of days together), especially for the late night/early morning etc. It was the only way we could manage little man at the same time, maybe this would be a possibility for part of it? 

Lots of luck AoC , I bet you're getting excited now! 

Love Anj x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Thanks so much everyone.  

Anj, I am a lioness.    My challenge is going to be doing it in a co-operative and assertive rather than aggressive way!    Thanks for all your info, esp the bit about tag-teaming, which wouldn't have occured to me!

I think what I have in mind is that I'd like to minimise time that Bug is away from us overnight, and maximise his involvement, because he can be quite controlling, and the best way to manage this is channel it positively.  Plenty to think about, thank you.

Yeah, I'm stupid excited, even though there's no prospect of a link any time soon and we haven't even had approval panel yet!  I like to be prepared, though.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Lol AoC , I presumed you would be, re/lioness 
As for the way you do it, I'm sure if you go in already armed with useful ideas of how to make it work then it will just come across as pro-active lion rather than an aggressive one .

With the tag-teaming, they were happy for that as an option as long as we'd obviously been together for the first few days with little lady. In the end it was the only way to juggle things really, as little man had never stayed anywhere over night without us (even at relatives) so we weren't prepared to make what was already a stressful time for him any harder or more worrying.
We only tag-teamed a couple of the days, but it definitely took the stress factor away in that regard.
I got the impression little lady's SW sometimes thought we were being over cautious with him, but at the end of the day we know our son and how he's likely to react, so we just had to stand our ground with certain things.

I hope they agree to your suggestions 

Lots and lots of luck 

Anj x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Wyxling was involved with all of our introductions with Bladelet except the first meeting.  She spent quite a bit of it playing with Bladelet's older foster sibling and/or one of us, while the other concentrated on Bladelet, which helped.  It wasn't ideal in some ways, and the introductions lasted a few days longer because of it, we had some shorter days, but I'm sure it was for the best.  We had to leave her for the planning meeting and Life Appreciation Day which was already more time apart than we'd had previously and I'm sure leaving her more when we were just bringing a new baby home would have been the wrong thing to do.  It's a hard balance to make.  The decision as to how much of the introductions she was involved in was left to us.


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