# Just starting out. DH seems really disinterested???



## dizzy_blonde_2 (May 6, 2013)

We're waiting for our first clinic consultation for DE iVF, and have been sent loads of stuff to read through.

When we received it we said we would both read it, and I have, lots of it, but it was interesting and informative and it's cleared up some questions I had.  

He hasn't though, and isn't making any effort to do it! He just doesn't seem interested!

Has anyone else found this? 

It's making me feel like I'm the one driving all this, filling in forms, chasing GP's etc etc, and he's just along for the ride! 

I just know that if I try to talk to him about it, he'll get defensive and say I'm moaning at him, and I feel bad for feeling upset about it!!!

Never realised this ride would be such a rollercoaster of emotions! One minute I'm really positive about it, next minute I'm wondering if we're doing the right thing .


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi Dizzy,

My husband also read absolutely nothing! It wasn't that he wasn't committed as by the time we agreed that we would move to DE we had already had 2 failed IVF cycles. I think his apparent lack of interest was more that he was sure that DE was the right way forward and that it was then up to the doctors to do their thing. He never had any questions about the donor, their identifiability, what we would say to our child .... anything! He just said that we were being given a single cell and that it would be my baby, our baby. He has really only grasped fully what it means as he has sat in on interviews I have given to TV, print and radio journalists - it has actually moved him to tears, which is most unlike him.

Don't be too hard on your husband - men really do seem to be wired differently and often seem to see things in a more black and white way than we do.

There are some things that do need to be discussed though, such as whether or not you plan on telling your child about your use of a donor, as this may then determine which, if any, of your friends and family you choose to tell about your treatment. Perhaps you could make a list of some of the points you feel you should discuss and then see if he will talk to you about them? This might be easier for him than reading through the paperwork.

I hope it works out for you both.

Caroline


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

There would be few fertility treatments or babies born if it were not for a woman's drive to be a mum. Men are rarely on the same page - in my experience about 5 years behind!


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## wehavethreecats (Feb 12, 2012)

hi Dizzy,
Your post made me wonder if he's ready to read the material?  

My DH kept wanting to read out to me, or get me to read stuff, on DE and adoption waaaaay before i was ready.  So, similar take to LilElvis/Mistletoe, but from the other end of the telescope.  

Guess one way of guaging the reason without it turning into a confrontation etc, might be to ask his thoughts about the timing of a DE cycle - if my DH had asked me this it would have been a chance to indicate readiness. This is tough stuff and you really need to have support from him... so getting a sense about any reason why you're taking the lead might be useful.  Though, can totally appreciate Mistletoe's point... when it came down to it, i did ALL the paperwork and 'project management' of the cycle! 

Good luck, Dizzy.
x


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## fayel73 (Feb 21, 2012)

I have a husband who has read little too! It is me who has chosen the clinic and done al of the research. I think he is supportive and committed but lazy lol. I guess everyone is different and as others have said it is different for a woman. He has a 16yr old daughter already. He does not have the full on ache for a baby in the same way as I do but i think he wants it in his own way. I get some of my support from girlfriends who are a more understanding and interested in the details. Good luck x


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## dizzy_blonde_2 (May 6, 2013)

Thank you ladies, nice to know its not only me!!!

I think I may have been a bit hard on him he's not a big reader at the best of times, and I think I may have put him off by getting 2/3rds of the way through  the stuff and sobbing my heart out saying I couldn't take it all in, didn't understand any of it and being a total hormonal drama queen!!!  

He is ready for this, we've talked about it loads, different clinics, UK or abroad, adoption, so it's not that he isn't ready!!!

I think that as I'm the sort of person that does research on anything I do, (4 quotes for a carport roof!!! Lol), so he probably just trusts my judgement, which I should take as a compliment!! 

First consult on Tuesday next week, so things are moving now!!

Thanks ladies, and   to you all

Dizzy
Xxx


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