# Feeling low again



## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

I suppose it goes in cycles - up and down like Tower Bridge. Feeling very black about everything right now. I feel as though this loss, this grief, this yearning for a child, is touching every aspect of my life. I've lost confidence in myself and my body-image is way distorted (I think I'm a hippopotamus - no don't laugh!!) I just feel huge and unlovable. This sounds like a pity party - I spose it is. I just feel so useless, and can't think of a pupose for my life anymore. Wouldn't it be great if there was a magic wand I could wave over my world and everything would be right again. Just seems like any way I look at it I've got an uphill struggle ahead.  
Bernie


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Sorry you are feeling so down at the moment, it does seem to come in cycles doesn't it. All part of the grieving process I guess, not that that makes it any easier.

What have you been upto? Have you managed to get out or are you isolating yourself a little? I know I do as I just can't face people when I feel like that. If you are then chat away to us (though it might just be me today - very quiet on here). I will do my best to cheer you up. I am sure you don't look like a hippo. I however am one step away from being bald!! Not joking, have lost loads of hair recently. It started about 3 months ago (9 months after I stopped all the fertility drugs) and everytime I wash my hair and brush it I loose a handful   Then another handful when I do my daily brush, getting scared to touch it now... I think it will grow back at some point but I did pre warn DH that I may need a wig for Christmas


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## emmag (Mar 11, 2007)

I think it definately comes in cycles - And there's that famous model describing the stages of loss: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, and as far as I understand it, you can visit these stages in any order, and although it's unpleasant, it's perfectly normal to pop back and visit any one of them, even if you are moving on (which you ARE!! absolutely! I mean look how far you've come, right?!!)

xx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Am I moving on Emma? Well I suppose yes I'm off the Prozac and 'functioning' - but I've got this horrible feeling that I'm on the slide again. "Don't send me back t' dark place!" (Did you ever watch 'The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer' ?) Anyway, I Have isolated myself a little Yamoona. Can't face people right now. I have lost my confidence - and it is affecting my work. I'm a freelance journalist and I had an interview to do yesterday and I got myself in such a state sitting by the phone, not wanting to phone them. I was actually in tears, thinking I would blow them out, I couldn't do it, etc etc. But I MADE myself do it and actually it turned out fine. I don't know why I've lost confidence in something so unrelated  - and it is making me panic, because my career is something I hold on to and take pride in. 
Yesyerday I tried to talk about it with dh - and he just got really angry. I think he is frustrated with me that I'm not getting on with things like he is. Although he isn't coping that well - he is a walking maelstrom of anger lately, which isn't pleasant! He said he felt very alone. And I know what he means. But I'm sitting on this island and I don't know how to get to the shore. Just don't know how to do it.
Bernie


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

It sounds to me like you and DH and where we were back in March. My DH was really angry all the time and I was an emotional wreck trying to deal with him and my own emotions. In the end I was signed off work for 4 weeks and then took an additional week. Once DH realised I couldn't deal with his anger he backed off and let me go through the grieving process which basically meant I cried a lot. I also attended one of Maggie's workshops and have not looked back since. 

When I returned to work I was my normal self again but did suffer a set back after attending the workshop but this was needed, I was fine after I attended the follow up. Maybe now would be good to take some time off. It really is ok to do this and it will take away all the pressure and allow you to breathe a little. It will also show DH just how frail you are at the moment (they tend not to see it as we are life's little copers, right!!). I promise you that it does get better.

LOL
x


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## Toni J (Jul 2, 2007)

Oh Bernie,

Im so sorry to see you are feeling so low at the moment.You really seemed to be doing well a while ago.Mind you Im a fine one to talk .Im up and down like a bloody yo-yo at the minute.One minute im happy and think Im finally getting back to normal and then the slightest thing makes me flip out like pyscho woman.Im still not sleeping to well  and have to take a sleeping pill every so oftten to get a good night and Im still taking my calm tablets which dont really seem to be doing anything.

Im sorry your DH is struggling .I guess the Hubbies feelings get put to one side when we ladies are going through our treatment but it must be so hard for them to see  us  suffer as we do.Im sure they feel anger towards the " Situation" and not towards us.

My Hubby is so sweet.He always knows how to clam me down or the right words to say.We are going away for the weekend to a log cabin in Lincolnshire in the middel of some woods.Some much needeed time away together .

Bernie ,It sounds to me like you need to get away and have some time out just the two of you.Im sure a complete change of scenery and enviroment does help.

Please look after yourself and make time to talk with your DH.The last thing any of us ladies need is to fall out or have friction with our other halves..

Lots of Love and a Big Hug

Toni xxx


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

You are right Yamoona and Toni, that I do need some time off. Trouble is dh has run out of annual leave. He just about has enough to get through Christmas. (But I have to say that log cabin in the middle of the woods sounds great - I love staying in woods, love the sounds at night!) 
I guess the 'red mist' of my period has passed now and my mood is a little better. Yes, I was hormonal - and every time it gets to me as if it were the end of the world. But I know that in the long term I have got to deal with all these feelings. 
I think I'm just going to have to face the fact that I need a mini holiday (of around 3 days) every time I have a period. I should mark the days in my diary and say to hell with it - I'm out of action for those days. I know that in certain tribes the women go and sit on a pile of leaves for the duration - and there may be some sense in that after all (!!!)
Since I'm freelance, taking a few days off when I need to is one of the fringe benefits. As it is, I try and struggle on, hating myself for not being efficient and all messed up, when really I should let myself off the hook a bit. I could spend the 3 days doing 'nothing much' or something creative (I have several projects that I never seem to have enough time for). I think I've just talked myself into some kind of 'workable' solution!  
Bernie xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Bernie, 

Just to say you get some great support here, and the ideas around taking time out, being easy on yourself, and trusting that 'everything changes' (which measn that when things are really [email protected] they can ONLY get better) are very solid, therapuetic ones. We do have to face our demons around this issue, and redefine our place and purpose on this planet - but beleive tha there is a reason fo you to be here and a place for you to exisit within, and it shall be so!

One thought about DH's - and I am generalising a little here - nothing about the way in which British men are raised prepares them for the emotional onslaught of this stuff, and my own feeling is that when they express anger and exasperation, it is a cover up for feeling helpless and anxiety-ridden; in the face of your troubles, he is powerless to assist, and men are raised to believe that there is a 'fix' for everything and it is there job to supply it. No previous generation has had to face this stuff in quite the way ours is, and there is no manual, for either gender, on how your recover....

Keep ranting and talking, and let your grief have of you what she wants..... Cheesy, but there's truth in the statement 'what we resist, persists'....

Big love to you, 

MM xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

I am loving this statement from MM


> 'what we resist, persists'....


Never a truer word was spoken - having suffered a major meltdown many moons ago after bottling up all the trauma caused by losing a baby/infertility/others expecing me to 'snap out of it' I appreciate the sentiments behind it!

MM I love the way you word things... and Bernie, I am glad you can see a pattern to these peaks and troughs... hormones have a helluva lot to answer for, I always feel at my lowest ebb just before AF pays a visit - argh! And even recognising this fact doesn't diminish the thoughts and feelings that I have around this time, even sat here knowing I feel hormonal! Crazy, isn't it?

Love to all, inspirational peeps that you all are - even if you don't realise it!
Emcee xxx


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## bexx (Jan 23, 2005)

Hello,

Well we just lost our only BFP about, no I know 2weeks and 3 days ago. I cant forget dates like Oct 13th my birthday I would have been 12 weeks, due date was 29th April, my DH xmas party I had chosen a dress.....its all driving me mad.

Everynight I'm crying myself to sleep, now I'm taking sleeping tablets to get through.

I cant see the point in living. Everthing is such a routine. My DH is 26 years older than me and I have no brothers / sisters I can only see me being left on my own.

Nothing is compensating for the 7 happiest weeks of our lives. We have booked to go away in 3 weeks to Portugal but i'm not bothered either way, we will be away for my birthday and lovly dh promises to buy me something nice, but I dont want anything.

I want our pregnancy back....

Bex


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

MM - you're right everything changes.... But I feel so frustrated as I want to change - NOW!! One step at a time I guess.

Emcee "And even recognising this fact doesn't diminish the thoughts and feelings that I have around this time, even sat here knowing I feel hormonal! Crazy, isn't it?" That is so true isn'y it? For me it's as if I'm possessed by some crazy woman who refuses to have a rational thought. And so it is very difficult for dh to get through...

Bex - I'm so sorry you are having a rough time, but glad you have found our board. It is so heartbreaking to go through everything, get the longed-for BFP and then have it snatched away from you. I've been through that too and it is just the pits. I have those feelings of 'what is the point of living?' often. It was especially bad right after the m/c. One thing I remember afterlosing Grace, that helped a little, was to say to myself 'one year from now it's not going to hurt as bad' .... and it didn't. I'm not saying that the hurt has gone completely (well - you've just read my post, so you know it hasn't) but it is not so heart-achingly sharp as it was back then. When you have a m/c it is not just the fact the baby is gone - it is the whole package of all your hopes and dreams for the future - just shattered. And after everything you've been through to get to that point - it just seems so unfair.
I can't change what has happened (oh I wish that I could!) but I can say that little by little it will get easier. Right now you are grieving and you need to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you to 'snap out of it'. It's been less than a month! Maybe the holiday coming up will be a chance to get away from familiar surroundings, for you and dh to be with each other. The same thing happened when I had my first m/c. We had booked to go away - and although the holiday was far from what we had planned, it did give us some time to ourselves away from relatives and friends (who, though they mean well can often clumsily say the wrong things). 
Please post here as often as you need. The ladies here are very supportive.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby.
Bernie xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Bex, I am also so very sorry to hear that you lost your precious babe - its devastating enough losing a much wanted baby at any time but more so after the emotional rollercoaster of fertility treatment.

You are grieving right now, as Bernie has so rightly said, for so many things. I can promise you that in time you will feel more like your old self again, but you will never forget... time has a way of giving our hearts a wee bit of distance from the rawness of it all. It took me a long time to come to terms with loosing my babies honey - but I'm here, and life is good although it is tinged with sadness sometimes, and I will never forget any of my little ones, they stay in your heart forever.

You also spoke about being afraid of being left on your own - this is a bug bear of mine too. However, having worked with the elderly I know that just because you have kids doesn't mean to say they are going to stick around for you - kids are 'selfish' in the sense that they grow up and move onwards with their lives - its something we have all done, and its something most of our parents have encouraged us to do. There have also been studies that have proven those with no immediate family build themselves good support networks for times of need.

Go very gently on yourself honey, I have found the first of each anniversary and marker along the way is the hardest to bear - and no, there is nothing wrong about remembering dates either, I remember tons of dates also too - I promise you that you will get through this and we are here for you to lean on if you need us.

Sending you much love and a very tight hug  
Emcee xxx


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## bexx (Jan 23, 2005)

Hello,

Well this has probably been the most helpful anyone on FF has been and most sincere. The 2ww and any other site although you give advice and encouragement at the end of the day you are really only concerned about your own result. But here we have all lost our most precious goall. And I thank you for taking the time to post, although sitting in tears it has meant alot.

Big hugs xxxx


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## Guest (Sep 25, 2007)

Hi Bernie, sadly no words of wisdom for you my lovely. 

All I can say is that I completely understand how you feel, it hurts so much that we are unable to do the one thing women seem to be put on this planet to do. That then takes it toll as we feel like failures, big useless, pointless people without a purpose! So with you there  

Try and stay positive, keep busy and take time to do something else which you enjoy.

Love to everyone else xxx


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