# Background to quandary about having No. 2



## jaclaw (Feb 7, 2006)

Hi - hope you don't mind me posting about my quandry - I just do not know whether to try again. My partner and I are in our mid-forties and have a glorious 8 month old. She is our world but I am terrified that if we don't try again now then I'll regret bringing her up as an only child. On the otherhand my partner is terrified that getting pregnant again so quickly - and older - will be harmful to a) my health (I had gestational diabetes) and b) will impact on the time/energy I have for our daughter. Sometimes i'll be fine with that rationale and then I'll suddenly see further into the future and worry that our little girl will be lonely without a sibling. I think my partner is persudable - certainly if i get a fitness/health MOT but I do worry about the effect my being preggars and knackered will have on our little girl. I also worry that by the time I have No.2 I'll be really ancient!!

I know I should go with my "gut" feeling - but this feeling keeps changing - it is driving me (and I think everyone else) bonkers! Anyone else out there feeling too old for No. 2 ??

JacLaw xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## janinec (Nov 19, 2006)

hi jacklaw - i sort of relate to your post  - i had our wonderful miracle baby 11 weeks ago and almost straight away i started thinking about should we try for no. 2 - i am 37 and feel in shouldnt delay  before trying again, but on the other hand feel so grateful and happy to have my baby, feel that maybe i should just focus on the fantastic baby that i have and not waste time hankering after what i dont have, but then i think in th efture will i regret not trying again, and once the chance has gone, its gone ........ gosh what a dilemma ?


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## jaclaw (Feb 7, 2006)

Hi janinec - Sorry for not responding earlier but my little girl had croup over the weekend, poor wee mite. Anyway, I am going to have a health check - started today with mamms and smear - and going to focus on getting the diabetes under control. If general health and fitness improve and partner is happy with medical advice we will probably go again in May. The thing is we always promised that if we were lucky to have one biological then we'd adopt but we are a gay couple and the hurdles against us adopting a baby (or even toddler) are so huge and getting bigger. We were committed to intercountry adoption but have been told recently that no country is open to gay adoption! The UK and USA allow gay adoption but, these days, the likelihood of a gay couple in their forties getting a baby or toddler are pretty much nil. We have to be honest about our limitations as to adopting an older child with difficulties or a sibling group - I wish we did have the emotional resources to be able to do so but we haven't. So seeing our daughter as an only child needed some adjusting, hence our thinking about going again. Incidently, my best friend offered to be a surrogate - she is younger & healthier -  because but hey, guess what, surrogacy for gay parents is not allowed in UK. Maybe I should see all of this as some kind of a sign that we should go again! Anyway, thanks for reading my rant! 
JacLaw xxx


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## daisyg (Jan 7, 2004)

Hi JacLaw,

I think you need to decide very quickly - I agree that your priority should be getting the diabetes under control, but not at the expense of trying very quickly.  I don't know your exact age, but time is not on your side and you have no idea whether you may encounter difficulties conceiving again (don't mean to be negative, just realistic).  Depending on your age, you may want to go sooner than May - over 40 every month counts.

I think you do seem to want a sibling for your little girl - I would say get going now!  You could always continue to research adoption while trying.  You may even want to consider donor egg as something for the future as well?  Basically get going while still considering other options....

Best of luck,

Daisy
x


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## jaclaw (Feb 7, 2006)

Hi Daisy

Thanks for advice. We would be doing FET again. Wouldn't be able to start again right from scratch as now over 44 and my clinic quite honest about chances. My FSH is over 15 now. Yes, we will 'bash' on with adoption, in the hope that a country will open up. My doctor assures me that no reference will be made in medical report about IVF. So you are right, we have to do progress both as options. I also think DET is an option but again I have to consider my health and the impact on pregnancy. Having diabetes at conception can be very harmeful to baby so really do have to get that sorted - but can think of no better incentive!
Jaclaw xxx


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## karen (Mar 23, 2002)

There are lots of advantages to older v younger parents. I'm a tad worried that I'm 5 years older than last time but I know that there are plenty of less fit and able young people around. So I'd say if you can sort out your health issues and you want it badly enough, go for it. But go for it because you both want another not jsut for your daughter. There are lots of posts on this board which talk about the postives of being an only child. DH was one as was my mum and they are both very blanced and had happy childhoods. I have a brother who was nothing but a thorn in my side and we are now estranged so if my mum had him for my sake she made a big mistake!

HTH

Karen


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