# Feeling like I just don't care anymore,



## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

I feel like all I want to do is runaway and never come back, everything just doesn't seem worth it anymore I love my oh v much but I'm beginning to think I can't do this anymore seeing others pregnant while am not, getting made to feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself nobody understands how I'm feeling they all have kids, I'm struggling v much with his lil sister see her just get away with anything she has a 8 month old her mum looks after her baby majority of time, she's in bed till 12pm during day every time I see them it's her mum pushing the pram, I'm honestly struggling to hold my tounge all I want to say is your not bloody parents you are just 2 waste of space that created a kid. Why the hell do they have a kid but not me, iv worked from age of 16 I have my own house I pay my bills I don't rely on anybody but yet the only thing I want I can't have, it was male factor we have but even before oh I wasn't getting pregnant. Iv just started my ladies. And it was 3-4 days late so yet again I got my hopes up then when the bloody witch arrives I could've cried. I phoned In sick tonight I just don't feel upto it can't put a brave face on anymore coz all I want to do is cry, I was on antidepressants before but don't want taking a pill for my problems I'm sorry for rant but I feel like here is the only place that seems to get how am feeling


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## Josie1 (Sep 30, 2013)

Big hugs  

I've experienced a lot in my life and can honestly saying infertility is the hardest thing I've had to cope with so your not alone. 

I find it hard when everyone around me seems to be pregnant and had to listen to someone in work talking about her daughter getting pregnant "on a drunken weekend" it just seems so unfair.

I don't think many people can even begin to imagine what it feels like when you want a family so much and it's not happened yet.

Remember always to be there for each other, you will get there maybe just not as quick as you'd like xxx


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## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

Thank you ! I'm just having a crappy moment - I had my oh nephew over staying this weekend, I loved having him here but it just sinks in and makes me feel like this should be me, i can agree with you there it is honestly the hardest thing iv been through, and seeing people getting pregnant so quick just upsets me nowadays, can't even pretend it doesn't hurt no more, and why can't it all be just so easy eh? For the ones who really do want kids to have them and the junkies, 'one night stands' teenagers who shouldn't be having them find it a bit tougher. And i hope so, I reAlly do as I really can't take much more of this


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Mzmaary, sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
I've gone through lots of episodes just like it, and the feelings of jealousy and bitterness sting so much. What made it a bit easier for me was to try and imagine that I WILL be a mummy one day, and that I shouldn't spend too much time worrying and wasting my life on 'what if's' when it would just happen at the right time for me.
Sometimes it's so important to give yourself a break, physically and emotionally. Try and get involved in something that can absorb your attention for a while, away from those fertility worries. I know it's hard and can sound impossible, but whenever I've allowed myself to be sucked into a project, or booked a holiday, or planned for something fun to do that just wouldn't be possible if I were pregnant, I found I enjoyed those activities and it took my focus away from being 'in my head' about it all too much. I hope this doesn't sound like too much like one of those pieces of unwanted advice, but I spent around 10 years now worrying and unhappy about my childless status and wondering what I could do to have a baby (I did everything in my power, couldn't have done any more!) and looking back on it I think an awful lot of mental energy was wasted.
It is still obviously important to do everything you can (go to appointments, live healthily, surround yourself with supportive people etc), but beyond that any bad feelings you expend on fretting just backfire on yourself. After my second miscarriage I somehow rediscovered my faith in fate, and was able to start my next round of treatment in a much better frame of mind. I also had help from counsellors such as Sarah Holland who work with ladies struggling through infertility and I learned a technique called EFT which helped with negative thoughts and feelings.
You have every hope that you WILL be a mummy one day, you have time on your side still and although every year you don't spend with your child/ren by your side can seem like a wasted year, do try and fill your time with things and activities you enjoy rather than worry about things that are outside your influence xxx


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## scribbles (Jun 23, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time at the moment, infertility can be a hard, weary slog with no guarantee of a happy ending. It's made worse by women just falling pregnant without a second thought and ignorant people voicing their ill informed opinions. It's massively unfair. 

It sounds like you have a top OH but can imagine that he's harbouring some negative feelings about his sperm issues. Blokes have it really tough trying to console us girls while nursing wounds about their MF problems. Us girls can feel broken or not real women if we can't conceive, blokes masculinity can take a bashing when they are diagnosed with MF problems. It sounds like you both need each other, have you considered couples councelling? DH and I had some before our first cycle as I have a history of self harm and we needed some coping strategies. We found it really helpful and it helped us cope.

We all need a rant, it makes us feel better and FF is ideal for it as we are all in the same boat!!! Hope you feel better and keep ranting if you need to!!! Big hugs xxxxx


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

When you are a mum you will be a far better mum. You will appreciate your kids in a way those who have so easily acheived pregnancy cannot, and love them with an amazing depth. You won't think about how you wish you were out partying. You will be happy to snuggle up on the sofa with them and read stories. You will look at them and marvel. 

Infertility takes so much. But it gives too. I know I am not the mum I would've been if my children were easily conceived. Thinks like work are much less important. 

You have to hold onto that dream and work for it. Do your research too - drs don't always know best. Save up so if your nhs tx doesn't work you have a plan b. Look at treatment abroad - much cheaper and often far better ( as someone who has had tx at both gri and gcrm )

Good luck. X x


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i cried for many years. i spent a long time 'pretending not to cry' which was even harder.. being in situations which felt awkward and feeling so isolated because nobody understands. Surrounded by people who think the whole things a joke or just make wisecracks or show off about stuff or complain... argh @ people having babies then complaining about how hard it is. 
It hit me hard when i hit thirty, that was tough... getting to 40 and still not being a mum and i was spiralled into panic... losing my first pregnancy at 42 seemed like the end of the world.

weirdly, it wasn't. 

mzmaary you sound like you think you deserve a baby as a reward for doing everything right and that you find it unfair because other less deserving people are reaping rewards they don't even appreciate. Sadly life isn't fair, and babies don't turn up as rewards.. 

but you do deserve to be happy, and there is PLENTY of time for your life to turn around in unrecogniseable ways and for your happy 'ending' to be your new beginning and be right around the corner. don't apologise for ranting, this is the right place, people DO understand here... i really hope you don't have to wait as long as i have! I wish someone had been able to promise me it would be alright eventually and i would have spent less time crying and more time building a life... i wasted a long, long time thinking it was pointless trying to do anything because i couldn't have the very thing i wanted most. 

but even if someone HAD waved a fairy wand and promised me everything would be ok, i doubt i would have believed them. Cry a bit, worry a bit, be sad a bit... but try not to let it take over your whole day. prepare yourself for the long haul and you might be pleasantly surprised that it doesn't take you forever... 

it really shows the bravest people when i look around me and see people getting back up and trying again time after time... there are no medals, no prizes... nobody ever put anyone's picture in the paper and said 'this person got their period again but they aren't crying' and gave them a bravery award, but it does take strength to keep going...     there will always be crap days but it won't be every day.   i think we all have to keep believing... even though for some it takes a long time...


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## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

Thank you for the replies feeling a bit better today but not 100%   I'm a nightmare right now one minute I'm happy next I'm sad or cranky and snapping at oh, I just don't know what to say as I just keep going over same feelings


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## Selby88 (Mar 24, 2014)

I just wanted to say you are so not alone....and this place is great to find people who care!

I think infertility is so hard because it's so out of your control. 

So what if you call in sick - look after yourself, keep posting if you need support, and don't lose hope.

You'll have better days, in the meantime just do what you need to do to at least stay sane!

Loadslove and hugs
xxxxx


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## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

Thank you!   today I'm a bit better - what seems to cheer me up a love reading goldbunnys diary on here and see how she's getting on, goldbunny hope your okay and little one here soon  .. Trying to keep my mind preoccupied not really working so off to jump in shower and try to get this house back in order from having nephews over past 2weekends   should of been gyming it this week but been feeling sorry for myself   Back to work tonight I honestly don't want to go but needs must and sitting about all day moping ain't going to help   had a moment at 1am last night thinking of my past and to now and realised I'm very lucky I have my oh he has always looked out for me and hasn't left his train wreck of a gf yet - he slipped up last night though I said oh why you with me and he was like he doesn't think he could get any better I'm like oh jeez thanks so I'm here till you find someone better   lol thank you again for all your lovely comments xxxx


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