# Not progressed to prep, what next?



## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Ladies, apologies it's going to be a me post and I have so many questions! I know there is much info And knowledge here that someone may offer some advice. 

Got report of 1st visit yest, after several pages of fairly accurate report gutted to read that 'concerns' meant we were 'not recommended to be invited to prep'.  I read this as End of Journey & spent the evening sobbing  & distraught. But, I know this process needs resilience so we picked ourselves up today and hav spoken to LA & arranged a meeting to discuss.  

Concerns: both overweight (both actively dieting), debt but plans to pay off with a windfall (which according to the law of sod arrived the day AFTER visit!), that we didn't know enough about attachment (plenty of childcare experience but no knowledge on attachment - Have read some  & hoped to learn much more at prep?), DP was abandoned by mother at age 10 and he can't recall how he felt. It was 40 years ago  & he was bought up by lovely grandp's but they didn't like that, and our suggestion that after a year of adoption leave, we considered 1or 2 days of nursery (may not be appropriate).

My questions are, has anyone else experienced a stall at this stage, not moved to prep, but then progressed? I'm not clear in my own mind if the invite to a meeting is to discuss next steps, or let us down gently? 

Also, the nursery care would not be essential, we could cover care between us and my mum, I thought it would be good for socialising pre-school but I was surprised at the reaction. I felt we had pretty strong childcare plans and surely many many people have to rely on some nursery care? Is this really an obvious taboo that I should have never mentioned?! 

Sorry it's a long post, if anyone can offer any advice or tips to handle the next stage it's very much appreciated.

M
X
X


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

sorry it feels so negative at the moment  
if you've been invited to a meeting then this is your chance to show your fighting spirit. if they have concerns then, if you can show how you're addressing them, this is your moment to show it. if you are unsure of what you need to do then ask them to guide you..ask for recommendations for books on attachment etc throw the ball into their court..get them to tell you how you can address their concerns..be positive about it..show how MUCH you are ready to do this..
I would think that they would be mostly worried at your DP's reaction to being abandodned..they may want to explore that in great detail..if he cant go into detail they might ask that he explore some counselling or something..i dunno just kind of guessing, but from what i know they would be concerned if he cant demonstrate some sort of emotion over it. 

re working (i presume that why you would be sending a LO to nursery/granny?) well in our LA it is frowned upon but many people go back anyway..after a year off. i would say you will most probably be able to use granny until,the child is old enough to go to pre school at 3ish..but that if need be it can always be re thought out depending on the child..show you can be flexible..

dont see this is the end, be ready to tough it out, you need to be big and strong because you need to be that way to cope with the road ahead..

kj x


----------



## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Thanks Keemjay,  

Great advice. I think you are right about dps mum, sw kept going back to it, so this feels like the biggest hurdle.  Re working, I need to return to work after 13 months leave as I'm the breadwinner, but we could easily have DP at home and I try for reduced hours, lots to think about it.

Thanks so much for your help and advice, I feel a bit more positive, this forum is just fantastic.
M
X


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
I agree the issue with DP and his feelings would be the biggest worry for them and I would guess they are looking for reassurance that he has worked through this and its not going to blow up at some point in the future.  He needs to convince them that it is a positive as he is going to know first hand how some of the children in care would be feeling and would be able to help them through that as long as he has dealt with it himself.
Work - tbh by the time you have to return to work you will have the AO and SS will not be involved BUT what they are looking for is your commitment to the children and your ability to put them first and be flexible.  Grandparent being available to help with childcare would be considered a better option than nursery by some SWs but others have no issues with nursery.....If DP can be available then that would be even better.  We have now had 2 children, DS placed at 27 months & DD placed at 14 months, based on the plan of returning to work after 12 months but being flexible and able to stay home if they need me to.
Good luck, show them you can fight for what you want - you need to be able to stand up for yourself and fight for any adopted child's needs.
OT x


----------



## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Thanks for taking time to post OT.  

I showed to DP and he said since the sw visit he started to recall some of how he felt when mum left, how everyone else had a mum and dad but he didn't. But having 2 siblings, lovely grandps who brought him up, and moving to a nicer area made it ok. Hopefully we can get them to see as a positive as u suggest.

  We can afford to be flexible on the childcare too. Ive lost 3lbs weight since sw visit, and I'm reading Caroline archer. so hopefully they will feel that we are starting to  address some concerns.

We are going to keep fighting, and thanks to the help I've had on here and my fab best mates support I don't feel beaten just yet.  

Thanks so much for advice

M
X


----------



## Candy Kate (Jun 14, 2011)

Hi Minmouse,

Sorry to hear that you haven't progressed to the prep course.  You sound a lot more positive though now, and thats great cos the sw are still keeping the communication open so I think you can show that you've considered their reasons and are still commited to adopting.  I would have been so lost without this forum, its such a comfort to know you can find people that understand and give great advice.  I have also been getting very mixed messages from the sw and they have closed the book on our case for the moment for reasons I don't really understand, we have things we need to address, but I hadn't realised they would hold us back at this stage.  But I'm not giving up.

Good luck
Kate


----------



## Autumn Jade (Aug 29, 2010)

Hi, I just wanted to add to all the lovely replies a bit about our own experience- we were turned down by the LA after we had spent 6 months waiting after BFN with IVF only to be told there had been so many people apply they changed the goalposts to a year! We then approached another LA and an agency- the LA said we'd have to wait 18 months   as they only run prep once a year and this years one was full!! More rejection! But the agency was amazing! They came out, were so super sweet and nice and genuinely seemed to like us, we have now started assessment & done prep so at this stage I'd definitely recommend an agency! Good luck, I hope it all goes well for you


----------



## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Thanks for replies Kate & Jade,

I'm wobbling a bit now as meeting is this week, but What I've learnt from this forum is you have to take each step at a time, and be prepared for knocks and fight back when you need to!

Really interesting about your experience with la vs Va jade, and something we will consider depending on outcome of the meeting. In fact I'll just go and do some research to see where our nearest agency is.

Good luck with your journeys. 
Well, all the worry is doing wonders for the diet, I weigh half a stone less than I did at 1st visit! 
M
X


----------



## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Evening ladies,

I've popped back on to re read your brilliant words of advice and make notes. D day tomorrow meeting with sw to attempt to address their concerns and see where we go next? I'll never sleep, it all feels so fragile, like your dreams, the rest of your life, is completely in their hands and could be made on the basis of how well we sell ourselves? Have spent the evening discussing each concern with dp and i feel we have prepared as well as can. WeVe talked about next steps if declined, another la, Va, I can't give up, not yet. I'm clinging to small positives and with the stressing over the last 3 weeks dieting has been a breeze! 9lb down, so thats one concern going in the right direction!

Thanks so much for all for your support and advice. Fingers crossed, this time tomorrow I will feel more positive.   
M
X


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Good luck mini mouse x


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Good luck today.
OT x


----------



## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Evening ladies,

Well firstly many thanks for your good wishes, advice and support, without which I can't imagine anyone getting through this process! 

So today we met to challenge decision not to progress us. Keemjay, OT thank you,  spot on in the assessment that DP abandonment as a child was no 1 issue, 90 mins of a 2 hour session exploring the topic.  I found it so stressful willing him to say the right thing. Thanks to the advice I got here we had discussed the topic at length so he was able to reel off all of that. A few other issues explored. Sw then told us a report would be written and a manager would decide whether to go against the original decision and progress or stick with the original recommendation, but she about to go on hols, so a 2 wk wait.  

Unexpectedly, I just got a call. Sw reassured on some of the concerns had grabbed her manager after we left at 5 and discussed. They have agreed that although there are still potential issues, we can go to early medicals to attempt to eliminate those before we (hopefully)go to prep? And she didnt want us to have to wait for that news. ( see, they are getting a bad press at the mo, but i have only respect for the sw we have met so far) Wow, it's a roller coaster! I'm barely out the starting blocks and can only imagine the bigger hurdles yet to climb.

So many many thanks for the advice and support, and to those who have got similar bad news, dont give up, keep fighting, or try new avenues. I know we have a very long journey ahead but it feels like a small victory.      . X x


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

yay good news, thats the fighting spirit they wanted to see    you have done great in getting this far  
    

kj x


----------



## michelle.v (Nov 14, 2007)

Minmouse

Brilliant news!  Perseverance seems to be the key to all this.  So glad for you, hope the medicals all come back OK for you both   

Michellexx


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Fantastic news!!!!  Well done to you and your DH for fighting them, it shows great resilience and ability to advocate for your future children   
OT x


----------



## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Thanks ladies,

Feels like a team win with all the help and support from this forum . Thank you! . Bring on the next steps, my fighting spirit just kicked in.  
M
X


----------

