# Support network



## kaz29 (Nov 4, 2006)

Hi Everyone,

We've had a few home visit meetings with our sw and in the last one she asked about our support network and we failed miserably!
I think that we we'd been concentrating on how we'd manage childcare, we hadn't really given it much thought. SW had asked us about emotional and practical support and I've been thinking about it all over the weekend but I still feel a bit vague. 
We would be relying on our parents a great deal but they are in their 60's, with DH's parents as back us (although he hasn't really discussed anything with them about adoption at all yet - which is another of her concerns!) She was asking about how my parents would cope if the child have behavioural problems, which is something I'll have to talk to them about and also what would we do if they weren't available for some reason.

We both have brothers which we are all close to, although DH's brother are both single and aren't really bothered about kids, so I'm not sure what support they'd want to give. My brother does live a fair distance away, so it'd be difficult for him to provide much support. 
The family do all 'rally round' for each other - my dad has lots of brothers & sisters and he does ask them for help, which I'm sure would apply to me too but it isn't something we've discussed much. I didn't want to tell many people that we're going through the adoption process as we've had so many disappointments, we're always expecting something to go wrong any minute! So it looks like we're going to be forced to tell people about it now. 
Also, like many people in our situation, we find it too painful to socialise with people who have got kids as it just reminds us what we don't have. 

I was hoping for some advice from the ladies on here, ready for when we re-visit the subject with our SW. First of all to try to understand a bit more about what the social worker is looking for and how to approach our friends and relatives to ask what support they could give us ?

Is it just me that finds the home visits really stressful? Even ones that go well leave me feeling really drained. I feel as if I'm being judged all the time and that at some stage one of us will say or do the wrong thing and it'll all be over - I know I'm probably over-reacting but I think I'm just so scared of it all being cancelled!

Thanks in advance!

Kaz x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hiya

I think we all feel like the rug is going to be pulled from under us when we first start on this journey, I know i did, our lives certainly feel like they're in the sw's hands!  But if there isn't anything that you need to worry about then don't worry! Be open and honest and really think about the question, ie If asked 'how would your parents deal with bad behaviour' you could say 'I'm sure they would follow whatever discipline we have in place'. 

As for Support networks it is not just for who would be there for your child/children, it is who would be there for you and your dh.  Don't forget you can include AdoptionUK website for support (and here of course    )  Neighbours are a great support, I've never had to call on mine for anything but to know that in an emergency they are on your doorstep is a comfort.  Family, even if they're in another part of the country, or even another country come to think of it, can be a great support to you emotionally over the telephone, skype, email etc. 
Write down those who you think would be there for you and what they would be good at, practical support or emotional?  You'll be suprised how much you really do need your support when the time comes   

xxxxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Just a quickie as I'm meant to be ironing!!!!!
Support network - Everyone and anyone you can think of, whether it be support via telephone, email, boards like these, family, friends, professionals like GP, SW, Post Adoption Support and any groups they run, any adopters you have stayed in touch with from your prep course.  Most will be emotional rather than practical, practical would be down to close family/friends and may be something as simple as bringing you a meal, doing some ironing or shopping, not necessarily anything that involves caring for any children.
If SW hasn't mentioned it, ask if you could have your parents (or whoever would be able to help with the children) CRB checked as part of the process so you do have someone to fall back on before the AO goes through.  Until then anyone the child is left with should be crb checked by SS.
Good luck
OT x


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## kaz29 (Nov 4, 2006)

Thanks for your replies and advice - it's really helpful and given me more ideas to think about.  

Hopefully this part of the process will be all over in December and we can start the new year thinking positively about going to panel - fingers crossed of course!!

Kx


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## tigerfeet1 (Nov 1, 2011)

Hi. I'm really sorry to hear you feel this way about your SW visits. I am a SW and do these visits all the time and you never hear how people find them.  It might be worth sharing with your SW how nervous and anxious you feel about the process as this is only because you are anxious to succeed.  Like the previous advice you have been given, it is worth thinking creatively about this question-it is not designed to trip you up or find a reason to counsel you out the process but to really think about what you might do if you found yourself having to deal with an emergency or were dealing with a stressful situation or just needed a night off.  Think outside the box-not only about people who have children but people you could pick up the phone to and have a blether.  Who do you feel closest to? Why do you feel closest to them? If it is your husband, who do you feel closest to outside of this relationship? Think about a stressful situation in your life? Who did you turn to? Do you know anyone that is a different religion to you? Or from a different culture? or different sexual orientation? These may be people you could seek advice from or support if you were caring for a child that was different to you.  Do you go to any clubs?  Are there any professionals you could see yourself seeking support from? Your SW? school staff? Nursery staff? Health Visitors?  
Its totally understandable you do not want to share your private business with everyone and this is quite right.  Maybe you should think about sharing your plans with one or two key friends and asking them to not share this with anyone else and take it from there.  
Hope this helps. Good luck.


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

at the time of our HS we got asked the same and with hindsight it is so important
all and anyone you would turn to for emotional social and practical support
our SW put us in touch with other adopters as well that has been great - people who get what it is like and why it is hard......friends with kids are great but adopted kids are so different


we have been surprised by how our friendship circles have changed as some people we [email protected] expect to be great - have surprised us so much...and others who we have been close to just didn't get it and we have moved away from
best of luck


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## kaz29 (Nov 4, 2006)

Thanks for the replies - sorry Tigerfeet I haven't been on the site for a while and didn't realise I had a reply! 
I have been giving it loads of thought and have just typed something up so I don't forget to include anyone! I think I felt put on the spot a bit as she hadn't really given us time to prepare, so I felt like I'd failed when i couldn't give her the answers she was looking for. However, I'm realising now that it's how she seems to work on everything - although it doesn't really help us!

I also got some inspiration when I went to a family bonfire party and saw loads of aunties, uncles and cousins who I know would be happy to support us and as we have such a large family we really shouldn't have a problem - it's just proving it!!

We've each got our 1-2-1s in the next week and then only 2 more meetings scheduled (although we might need another 1 or 2 as a couple of meetings were cancelled), but hopefully not long to go now!

A friend of mine told me at weekend that her sister who adopted said it was the most gruelling thing she's ever done and I know exactly what she means now!!

Good luck to everyone else!

Kx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

hiya. kaz you seem to be at a similar place in your adoption journey as us and nice to know someone who is able to understand where we're at. have you got a panel date yet?


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

Hi kaz you've got some great advice here and I can only echo what everyone else is saying.
We emphasised both practical and emotional support, locally and our course from family as well, but also SW, play groups and absolutely our adoption support group friends. When we did prep course we really got on well and see each other every month since and those with kids get to play together, those in the process of still looking, get some support and advice, we honestly couldn't be without them as we've all be through it together. 
It can be hard trying to think of "the right" answer when you are put on the spot, so to speak, so perhaps it's worth asking SW at the end of each session, what are we doing next time? At least that way you can have some time to get your head around it and generate some thoughts in advance. You don't need loads of detail, just an idea at least.  
We also found the sessions draining, I think it is the emotional effect of it all, particularly when thinking about your past, childhood, etc - it's not something you would normally do of an afternoon! Dh and I used to take the rest of the day off after SW visits and go off and have lunch or dinner, so we could get some fresh air and just relax our heads a bit! 
Good luck!


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Hey Kaz,
I recall doing our support network during HS and being equally as confused! At the time it was merely a paper exercise, however our support network has proven to be absolutely vital to us. Our little one doesn’t present with any challenges, she is just a typical toddler, however it is SO important to have family who will give us some respite, and generally just be there when we need a moan about things! It's important for our daughter too, she is a sociable wee character and she loves being surrounded by family (and being the centre of attention!). 
My Mum and Dad have taken her out this morning to see santa and his reindeer, she was so excited when I told her she would get a present - and it's bliss for me to have an hour or two to myself. I absolutely adore my little girl, however (as I’m still on adoption leave) I am with her 24/7, and sometimes it’s nice to have a break!
Good luck with everything, things fall into place and you wonder why you worried!
D x


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## Ipswichbabe (May 17, 2005)

This is somethiong that worries me. we have just had our date thr for the prep course, but my MIL & FIL are over 100 miles away and my mum althought only 30mins away by car is alone and with a disability. Over the last 10 yrs we have lost many freinds as they have had their own children and our lives have moved in different circles, so now we have few close friends and family to support us, however my best freind is now living the opposite side of the country to me, shes 300 miles away from her her family, and its just her and her hubby and she has 4 kids, she has no support network and copes well enough. Shes had to, and I am sure me & DH will cope too, I think the LAs put too much on the support network thing, as i know once i move into the new live of children i will meet other people in my cicrcle and make new friends who will help no doubt. 
But it does worry me. 
If i was to fall naturally i would be in the same situation, so whats the issue.....

Good luck. xx


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## Clomidia (Dec 13, 2007)

I think the issue is that most adopted children have traumatic and chaotic backgrounds and you may need more support to deal with these, for example of you need to campaign, say, for additional help at school, or more involved medical tx or whatever. Their needs are greater and therefore the demands on you will be greater. Not the same as having a birth child IMO.


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

we were in much the same position, my family is the other end of the country and doesn't get that adopted children are different...DH family are 30 mins away....and have been great,
however even friends with birth children don't get that this is different and tough, our SW helped us build up a support network of friends by introducing us to couples she had also worked with, we text call and meet up and it is a huge help and they have so much experience to draw on, there were also people on our prep course that we stayed in touch with


now that the kids have been here a while our SW is now having other couples contact us for support, it has taken nearly 2 yrs for me to reach this point I know realise the SW works for me and I use her when i need to for support and to network when i need advice from someone who has had similar experiences, so i would speak to your SW for help in building a network


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