# Can't stop feeling sad



## Tinks01 (Feb 2, 2011)

Hi ladies, 

I'm looking for a bit of support or a bit of a chat with people who understand how I'm feeling.

As you will see from my signature below, I got a BFN in September and I have put off posting on FF while I try and get over it all and move on. I am really struggling to come to terms with what has happened. I feel so sad all the time and get teary all the time. I know it's natural to feel sad but I'm surrounded by pregnant friends and their babies and I'm finding it really difficult to 'keep my chin up'. 

I have been avoiding babies as best I can but that sort of makes me feel worse because I feel terrible about the way I am feeling. It's a  feeling I find difficult to explain. My sister in law is due any day now and I cannot explain the weight that was lifted from my shoulders when I found out that she didn't want a baby shower. I am so so happy for her and can't wait to meet my new neice but the thought of being surrounded by baby talk really gets me down. I actually feel anxious about it. I feel like people are always watching my reaction to babies because of what my husband and I are going through. When I get together with friends the conversation always turns to babies and kids because that is my friends lives now and I understand that but I feel so disconnected from it all because I feel like I have nothing in common with them anymore. We don't talk about the same things anymore, like we used to because none of them have time for their old lives now that now they have babies. I do understand that's normal too.

We are going to see a private clinic at the beginning of December and I hope I will come away from that feeling a bit more settled and positive about our journey. And hopefully not feeling so sad.

I don't want to sound sorry for myself because I know that life is life and it's the most natural thing in the world for people to have babies but I am feeling completely lost because I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to that understands my situation.


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## nic32 (Oct 25, 2011)

Tinks, I know exactly where you're coming from and completely empathise with everything you're saying! I'm so so sorry but I'm dashing out and can't write a long reply but please know you're not alone. I've had a tough day myself today and have had some really lovely messages from the girls on here which helped me loads. It's completely normal for you to have the feelings youre having! I doesn't make it any easier to deal with I don't think but good to know people understand Xx


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## RedCandle (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi Tinks. I logged in to put up my own post but I can't help myself, I must commiserate with you! I could have written what you wrote myself. ALL my friends are pregnant, or they have children, or are even on their second pregnancies since we've been trying. Sometimes I feel like I really, really ****** off the fertility gods because this is so unfair. It is awkward too, I know exactly what you mean about people watching you when they know what you are going through. A couple of my friends even apologized when they made their announcements! (I'm sorry I know you're trying, but I am pregnant) that type of thing.

Today I started spotting.  Next month we will have been officially trying for two years. There is nothing wrong with me, and my husband was given the green light two months ago, I had really nice CM mid cycle and we really went for the goal this month if you know what I mean. AF is due tomorrow, but she always shows the first signs as a tiny speck of blood. And the same story occurs each month: at first I am in denial , then I am sad, then the renewed hope once ovulation nears. It is the same story, month after month after month, even after a failed IVF and two IUIs, the same story for all of those treatments, unchanging. Not a sniff of anything positive. 

I try too to keep my "chin up" but goddamit it is frustrating! There is no end in sight!

At least we know we are definitely not alone, even though sometimes that is hard to forget when you are surrounded by friends who are pregnant.

I say, take care of yourself, if you want to mourn and feel cruddy, then don't deny yourself those feelings. Have a beer/a glass of wine, and just move on. What else can you do?


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## Tinks01 (Feb 2, 2011)

Nic32 - thanks for taking the time to reply! It's just comforting to know that others understand x

Redcandle - I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Like you say, there's nothing we can do - except hope I guess. I have ups and downs and today was a particularly bad day. I hear what you're saying about friends apologising when they make their announcements. One friend told me the day after my m/c. I think she wanted to get telling me out of the way so she didn't feel bad that she hadn't told me. You can imagine how that felt.They mean well. x


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## Crimsonrose (Aug 19, 2012)

Tinks, you are not alone, don't ever feel you are, we are always here and I know exactly how you are feeling..

I have a best friend who has just told me she is expecting her 2nd child, two weeks ago, bang in the middle of my treatment.. She has been like a sister to me as we have known each other for years, she has already got one child which she is forever cuddling, kissing, in front of me, I think its lovely but I feel its hard and she doesn't understand, so now I feel like avoiding her which I feel a bit you know about.. thing is all she talks about is her child and makes me feel horrible inside but its so natural and I would be the same in her shoes..

My other friend has a 1yr old son who has just started nursery, he is all she talks about nowadays too, last week started bleeding Wednesday which is when I kinda knew it was over for me, was suppose to be meeting her and her son for coffee Thursday afternoon, knew it was too painful and cancelled, and told her the reason being like, which she understood about, her and my other friend met up instead, so I didn't complete squash the plans..


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## RedCandle (Feb 16, 2012)

Crimsonrose, I had the same thing happen to me too - I was supposed to hang out with a friend  and her son, but I had also started AF that day and I canceled on her, because it would have been to painful to see her with her son. Then my non-children having non-pregnant friend texted me to see if I wanted to hang out. Sure! I texted back, thinking we two childless gals can get a beer and *not* talk about kids/pregnancy/strollers/ etc. 

So, I order my beer and she orders a non-caffeinated freakin' tea. Yeah, you guessed it! She made her announcement within a few minutes. UGH!!!

Today, she has a 5 month old daughter and the other friend is due in 30 days with her second child. So much time has passed since she made her announcement - I recall the day and moment so clearly - and now her child is half a year old, and here we are still trying with the same story every month. Haha, you just have to laugh.

Tinks, I guess its safe to say you  are definitely not alone! However I find, that after a good cry (alone, so you can scream and look ugly) I feel a lot better. Then have some wine


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## Tinks01 (Feb 2, 2011)

Crimsonrose,  Thanks honey, I really appreciate the support. I think that some people think that once you have been around their baby or child it 'breaks the ice' and you will feel fine about it all after that! It isn't ok after that though. I know it's because they don't understand what we are going through but sometimes it's like they think the more time you spend around them the better you will feel about it. You're right though, it is completely natural for them and one day (with lots of luck and hope  ) we will all have our own babies and feel like they do - which makes me feel even worse for how I'm feeling right now! How can I expect my friends to be excited for me when I do nothing but avoid them just lately! ARGH!

RedCandle, oh wow, I guess that felt like a punch to the pants didn't it.  I agree though, they do make it seem easy. It's not a mystery to my husband and I, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's catch 22 though isn't it, if friends didn't tell you, you would be just as upset - well I would anyway! 

My news today is that my SIL had her baby girl this morning, my friend had her baby girl last night and another friend is due anytime. I feel so happy for them and surprisingly feel ok in myself, although I haven't yet been faced with meeting them and the anxiety that I know I will get when visiting is discussed. (And of course, them all watching for my reaction/how I cope). It is lovely to be an auntie again though!


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## Mooncat (Oct 26, 2012)

You are most definitely NOT alone. We got married in April 2008 when I was 30, had a fabulous honeymoon and came back excited to start married life and a family. I came off the pill and we started ttc. By the end of 2008, my periods had got really painful and heavy, we’d had no success and I was starting to worry. In 2009 EVERYONE got pregnant (obviously not quite everyone but my sister, my two sis in laws, both my bridesmaids and various other friends). Meantime, I was battling with horrendous pain, unhelpful doctors and disappointment every month. My downward spiral eventually led to a trip to the doctors in Jan 2010, when I was diagnosed with clinical depression 

Skip to now… we just had our first round of IVF and I got my BFN on Monday. I’m gutted, we both are, but we’ll pick ourselves up and carry on. 

People don’t realise how traumatic difficulty conceiving is, how much it takes over your life and consumes your thoughts. In the counselling booklet my clinic gave me, it says the feelings of failure to conceive are similar to that of grief. If (god forbid) a close family member dies, everyone recognises that as a horrible thing to deal with, they can relate and offer support, in a way they can’t when it comes to fertility issues. 

In my case, fertility problems hugely affected my self-image. For a couple of years, I felt like a worthless failure. I say felt because although I still have my moments, I mostly don’t think like that these days. I still feel guilt that my body is stopping my husband from having children, but I’m getting that under control with lots of helps from him.

Anyway, my tips that you may or may not find useful are:

Be a bit selfish - cool it with friends who don’t make you feel good (sadly my best friend of over 20 years now falls into this category for me) and make an effort to spend time with people who do make you feel good (they can be found in surprising places!). My sister in law has been great, as has a fairly new friend. Both have kids, but both seem to be able to relate to my situation in a way that helps me. They’re matter of fact about it, and sometimes make light of it, but not in a flippant way. 

Do the things that you love – The things that keep me sane are swimming, zumba, running (yes running!) and cycling on my shiny new mountain bike. I’ve never been sporty, but these days exercise is most definitely my friend! Whether it be cooking, singing, knitting, going to gigs, going to the theatre... just do things that give you pleasure, and do them often. 

Be kind to yourself – Physically and mentally. Don’t beat yourself up about it. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! And you’re allowed to feel down, it’s a really tough thing to deal with. Have nice long baths with fancy bubbles, treat yourself to a massage or a pedicure occasionally, get your hair done (now I have a BFN I’m going to dye my nasty greys away!)

Grumble on here – What’s great about this site is that people ‘get’ it. I often struggle to share my feelings even with close friends and family, because I scared they’ll judge or think differently of me, or that they’ll react in a way I find inappropriate and upset me. I don’t get that on here. I can say exactly how I feel, I can ***** and moan and whinge, and people are only ever nice in return 

Think about the future - I’m quite a planner so I hate the lack of control when ttc. I’ve found it helps me to think about the ‘what ifs’ and talk to DH about them – in our case, we’ll try and much fertility treatment as we can afford (or my body can take) and if we don’t get lucky, we’ll move on to adoption. That’s a really daunting prospect, but I know we could be brilliant parents to a child who really needs some, and that makes me smile


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## Tinks01 (Feb 2, 2011)

Mooncat, thank you so much for your reply and so sorry to hear about your BFN  
The future is definitely our focus. We are off to see a clinic next month and like you, I think we will continue until we can't afford it any longer. After each BFN I have felt like I couldn't do it again but then that feeling fades and I just want to start again and   that this time will be our time.


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## Mooncat (Oct 26, 2012)

Sorry for the long and waffly reply Tinks01, I’m still full of IVF hormones and trying to get things straight in my head, so once I started I couldn’t seem to stop! 

I think going to a private clinic sounds like a good idea, I really hope it makes you feel more positive. When some people talk about their clinics on here, they obviously get a much more bespoke service than we had. Because of where we live, we have to pay ourselves, but get treated at the NHS centre – kind of feels like the worst of both worlds! 

Before going back, I’m going to do more research into the various problems I have  (particularly endo and pcos) because I’m still really not convinced I’ve had the best advice for me. It’s felt a bit like a standard treatment conveyor belt. 

Wishing you lots of luck


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## Mooncat (Oct 26, 2012)

And on the subject of telling friends, their apparent lack of understanding, and friends who are pregnant/have babies, we've been grumbling about the same things on the general 'Between cycles' thread. 

I won't repeat myself, because I'm starting to get on my own nerves, but seems most of us have had similar experiences, and felt similar emotions... certainly gives me some comfort to know that I'm not alone in avoiding certain friends, resenting people who fall pregnant, and all the rest


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## Tinks01 (Feb 2, 2011)

Thanks Mooncat! I didn't actually check the main threads when I wrote this post - I was in a bit of a state and just typed a new post. 

Going back to what you were saying about private/NHS clinic's, as much as I liked my NHS clinic, I did think that they didn't go above and beyond to find reasons for things. I know of friends of friends that have been going through IVF on the NHS and got BFN's every time. They went private this year and the private clinic did a thyroid test and found an abnormality, corrected it and they are now expecting their first baby. I get that NHS clinics have their hands tied with funding but surely something as simple as a thyroid test would have been thought of and at what cost? 30.00?? The couple could have gotten pregnant without the invasive treatment of IVF and from a business side of things the clinic would have a better success rate. It just makes you wonder what other relatively simple tests have been missed by NHS treatments. I realise that every case isn't that straight forward but it just makes you think. I also realise that you spend a hell of a lot of money to go private so really, you expect the best treatment! 

Look! Now I'm rambling on! I'm sure there is a NHS/Private thread too


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