# Am I wrong to not want to try IVF?? Has anyone chosen not to have it??



## mentalist76 (May 16, 2011)

Hi All

I wasn't sure which section to put this in so decided this was best as it's my first post.

My hubby and I have been trying for some time TTC naturally. I had been told when I was 14 that I had PCOS and I had to have an ovarian cyst removed which meant losing my left ovary. I've always assumed having children would be difficult. I have always been open and honest with by Hubby and before we go married I said that I would try anything to have a child but did not want to go through IVF. He said he understood. I had a lot of medical interventions for various things when I was young and I've just had enough of it.

After various tests we were presented with the following....

I no longer can be considered as having PCOS according to current guidelines. 
There's nothing wrong with me fertilitywise (apart from being one ovary short)
My Hubby however has less that 2% normal sperm.
We were told we would never have children naturally!

We found all this out in January and my hubby is now gung-ho on having IVF. It's tearing me apart as I feel that by saying no I'm choosing to deprive him of a child.   He says he understands but when I made him truely talk about it he ended up in tears sayting that he was not ok with not having kids. I feel so guilty but I really can't go through it and adoption just isn't an option for us.

I've tried to talk to friends about this but they all look at me as if I'm mad to not want to try every option. Am I the worst person in the world? My hubby says he loves me no matter what, but I can't help thinking that 10 years down the line he will regret it. Just fee like I'm losing him......   

Thanks for listening...


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## hopeful m2b (May 5, 2011)

Hi Mentalist, didn't want to read and run.  Feel so sorry for your situation, such a difficult position to be in.  I am new to IVF myself and am a couple of weeks in to treatment, so far it isn't that bad at all so may not be as bad as you think its going to be.  Although someone else might come along and be able to shed more light on the whole treatment process for you.  Have you spoken to anyone who has been through it who can tell you what to expect etc?  Whatever you decide to do has to be right for you and your Husband but don't write IVF off completely without further info, you might regret it later in life too if you don't even give it a try x


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## KG (Jan 13, 2007)

Hi, I saw the title of post and thought that I would reply. As hopeful says, I think it's useful to do your research and be sure about what it is that you don't feel comfortable with about IVF.

However, I think everyone, no matter how much they want children of their own, has a limit of how much tx they think they can cope with. Dh and I decided right from the start that IUI was as far was we would go and that if we weren't successful with this that we would accept that it wasn't to be. I think, more than anything, it was about giving ourselves a cut off point. Tx is v stressful and it helped me going into it that I knew when I would call it a day. 

I guess the difference is that we both felt the same about this, plus we were successful on our first attempt so I was never tempted to continue to IVF. I think it's a v tough choice if one of you wants tx and one doesn't.

Wishing you luck with your decision.

Kx


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

to FF, Mentalist!! This is a great website for support, information, laughter and friendship, it has kept me (relatively!) sane though all my treatment. Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home.

When I first got together with my husband he made it clear that he didn´t want any more children (he adopted 3 with his first wife) and I accepted that, although he knew it was hard for me. After we had been together for about a year he came home and said that he had been chatting to a friend of his and had a change of heart, he realised it was more important to me to have a child than it was for him to not have any more - if you see what I mean. You have to both come to a decision that is something that you are both happy with, and not something that either of you will regret further down the line. As Hopeful said, it would be worth doing some research into IVF, just to make sure that it isn´t something you would be willing to do. You could read some of the diaries of people going through treatment - CLICK HERE

No, you aren´t the worst person in the world - don´t even think that. You made it clear to your DH at the outset, you haven´t lied to him. He decided to make a commitment to you based on all the facts.

Here are a couple more links that you might be interested in.

The What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) thread will give you some info on how to navigate the site ~ CLICK HERE

We have a "Moving On - Deciding & Accepting" section ~ CLICK HERE , perhaps it would be useful for you to read that.

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sue


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## JasperP (Oct 10, 2010)

Hi Mentalist

My situation is a bit like yours, except my husband isn't gung ho about IVF.  It can't be easy.  

We still haven't decided whether IVF is for us.  Like you, I had medical things going on as a child and the thought of more makes me feel uncomfortable.  I'm not sure yet if I'm ready to go through with it, even if that means I won't be a mum.  I've got a lap and dye in a couple of weeks, and we'll probably make a decision when the results come back.

There's nothing wrong with deciding that you've had enough.  After all, it's you that has to go through IVF, not your hubby.  

Sending you loads of  
Marcia xxx


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## tholeon (Jun 25, 2007)

hi there,


you certainly aren't being horrible, you have always been honest with your DH , it is an invasive process and the woman obviously bears the brunt of it. However as someone who as been through it more than once (and has a child because of it) I can say that it really wasn't as bad as I expected to be. I don't know what medical treatment you had as a child but it is quite possible that ivf would be nothing like as bad as these.  Read up on it, talk to people who have been through it, consider your options and don't beat yourself up    x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Mentalist    


It is a tough one and one that has to be right for both of you.  My dh would happily not have any more treatment, but i am not there yet.


Have you considered having some councilling?  I think as others have said it would be good to arm yourself with all the information for and against having ivf.  Not just the medical side but the emotional and the financial, consider all the good and bad.  I think then you can make an informed choice.  Regarding DE I have to say that i always said that it would be the end of the road for me if it was suggested that this was our only option.  Not cos i don't agree with it but because it would just be a step too far for me.  But i recently found out that i have a chromazine problem and because of this DE may be a good option.  I am pretty at ease with it and can not believe how much my thoughts have changed.


What i am trying to say is that things do change and we are aloud to change our mind (either way). But maybe u both need to take things slowly its only been a few a months.  The choices you make now are life changing, take some time to absorb and re focus where you are with things now.  Once you have managed to do that then you are in a much better position to decide what's best in your future.  A choice that suites you both.  Good luck xx


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## lola33 (May 17, 2011)

Hello Mentalist 

I can relate to your situation a little bit. My DP always wanted to have kids, so after many talks back and forth, I decided to stop taking BC pills last year. So now a year on and no BFP I had some test done and it showed that my ovarian reserve is very low for my age and I have ovaries of someone close  to their 40 ties rather than someone in their early 30ties. I was, still am so devastated, for my own sake, but even more for my DP sake. It is really important for him to have children, even more important than me seems like. It really makes me feel like I completely letting him down and taking his dreams away from him. I do want to have kids, but it would feel a bit better if my DP said that we will try but if it doesn't happen, it's doesn't happen, life goes on.....but that it is not the case. No kids=our relationship going down the drain 

To cut a long story short, I decided to try IVF, will probably start with everything later on this summer. Im not doing it just because my DP wants kids, I am doing because I dont want to miss out on the experience of being a mother. If I didn't feel this way, I probably wouldn't do it just to please my DP.

You should not feel guilty about the way you feel, after all its your body that is going through the process, not his. But as ladies before me were saying, try to talk to people that have been through IVF and do a lot of research about it and then make your final decision. 

Best of luck with whatever decision you will make


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## mentalist76 (May 16, 2011)

Hi Everyone

Thanks so much for your responses. It's good to hear that others have had the same doubts. I have done lot of research already into IVF and have some friends who have been through it and I'm convinced it's not for me. And to be honest I'm not entirely sure now that having kids is for me either.

I don't feel ready for kids but at 34 I worry that either I'll never be ready or by the time I am it will be far too late.

I guess I'll just hang on in there and see what happens.

Cheers all

Jules


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

I think u just have to be honest with yourself. If it's not for u then it's sim


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Sorry pressed send before I was ready.

Basically follow ur heart and do what's right for u. x


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