# Dealing with failure



## fifalafel (Aug 30, 2016)

Hi, Im new to this forum - 36yrold female with no obvious fertility issues but husband has low sperm motility. My husband and I have just finished our second round of ICSI with no success. The first time around i only produced 7 eggs, one of which fertilised and we had a day 2 transfer so I was reasonably realistic regarding our chances. I of course was devastated when Aunt Flo arrived 3 days before i was due to test, but after a few weeks licking my wounds, I was raring to go again. We went back to the same clinic (Bourn) and began a second cycle. We were covered under the NHS for two cycles. This time they adjusted my stim drug dose to 225ug. Also i decided to pay for a scratch to help things along. I produced 14 eggs two of which made it to blastocyst stage and one which was suitable for freezing. As IVF cycles go, this was shaping up to be perfect. My husband and I were taking the expensive zita west vitamins in the run up and during, we opted for the EEVA trial which is said to improve the embryo culture phase, i was doing regular sessions of acupuncture and the blastocysts we produced, according to the embryologist were top notch. I was feeling so positive at the point of transfer...but that's when things started to go wrong. The consultant performing the transfer couldn't position the speculum correctly (sorry if that's TMI) which meant our precious blastocysts (we elected to have two transferred) were left out for some time. She tried to implant them but then stoped and sent the embryologist back to the lab with the catheter. She then readjusted the speculum and called the emb. Back in. This time she said they had been transferred. However i left the clinic feeling a little empty - deep down i knew something had gone wrong but I didn't want to let negative feelings in. So i went home (via the acupuncturist for a post transfer session) and did all the things I would do including all the old wives tales like eat pineapple core, drink whole organic milk and watch a funny movie 

Three days before test day, aunt flo arrived with a bang. I was completely devastated. Whilst deep in my heart i felt it had gone wrong, i had refused to let those feelings through so it hit me with such a bang. I went through the 2WW so hopeful - pretending i was pregnant and avoiding all the foods you should. I made plans on how we would announce the news to our families over christmas that we were pregnant etc. 

I am just so devastated. I cannot concentrate at work, now that i have returned. I cannot begin to think about christmas - we have not told our extended family we are going through IVF and plan to spend the holiday with them so im going to have to pretend everything is fine and festive. I just want to curl up into a ball and weep. Its been 2.5 weeks since my period has arrived but i cannot seem to shake this feeling of despair since i realised the second cycle had failed.

Whilst we have been funded by the NHS until now, we are lucky enough to have sufficient savings to have another go. My husband is ready to start talking about the next cycle but i just can't. I feel so self indulgent as people have it much worse than me, but i just feel like crying all the time.

I guess i'm reaching our to this forum to see if anybody else has been through this and has any suggestions on how i could try to move on.

Thanks for reading


----------



## Miss Sunshine22 (Mar 12, 2013)

Veronica, huge hugs to you 

We've all been there, negative cycles are devastating so allow yourself to feel like this.[I've also had x 2 transfers like you, where the catheter had to be changed, and the embryo ended up going back into the incubator for a while] It's completely normal to feel like this, and it will pass when it's ready to. I sometimes think that some of the grief is made worse by the rapid coming-off the IVF drugs and hormones - our systems take a really hard knock from it all.

You'll know when you're up for it, and when you want to try again. In the meantime, be good to yourself  and do what you want to do. If you don't feel like being festive, then don't force it. If you do feel being festive helps, then do that


----------



## kittykat76 (Jan 17, 2016)

Hi Veronica, I didn't want to read and run,I don't have an experience of difficult transfer but I do know the feelings of despair and depression that it hasn't worked. Be gentle to yourself,do whatever you have to,to get through this time. If that means putting yourself first and distancing yourself from family and friends then do it. The drugs really mess up your hormones and make everything feel so much worse,allow yourself to grieve as it will only come out futher down the line if you try and supress it. You will know when the time is right to try again,in the meantime keep taking your vitamins to make those eggs strong for when you are ready to go again. Wishing you lots of luck


----------



## fifalafel (Aug 30, 2016)

Hi Miss Sunshine and KittyKat,

Thank you so much for your replies. I didn't think about it but i guess the effects of the IVF drugs are bound to have had a psychological effect as well. Usually i am quite a positive person so im happy to think my current mood may be at least partially related to the drugs. 

Best wishes


----------



## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

Hi Veronica,

I'm so sorry to hear about your negative cycle and difficult ET.  It's really really pants to have negative results and I recall after one particular failed attempt when my period came I cried just as hard as when I got the negative result (they were 5 days apart) as it just reinforced the fact it'd failed again.

This time last year I was in my first, 2 WW and like you I kinda knew it would be negative but kept positive just incase.  It was such a painful experience, and like you we had to go through Christmas trying to pretend it was all Christmas cheer.  I think the way we coped with it was that we just declined lots of invites out and spent time together doing just stuff for us. We also put together a plan of action as to what we wanted to do next and we also booked a holiday for January so we could get away and have some fun, trying to escape the feelings that IVF brings.  

For us these things worked well and we had a fabulous holiday. Don't get me wrong there where some tensions when my husband would be snappy etc but in the most part we enjoyed getting away for it all. 

Remember no feelings stay the same permanently, you'll have good days and bad days and everything inbetween. If you feel sad, allow yourself to feel sad, if you wake up and feel not so bad, go with it, have a smile and enjoy it.  

People deal with this differently, but I hope the insight into how I handled my first negative result at Christmas time, helps you in a small way. 

Good luck with 2017 and whatever you decide. It could well turn out to be a marvelous year for you xxx


----------



## Jengles (Mar 3, 2016)

Hi veronica, sorry to read your post, how are you feeling? timing really doesn't help. Like Christmas and family aren't stressful enough? I think you probably need to give yourself some time. I agree the drugs and the whole process is such a toll on us. Have you tried any counselling? I just had some this week and it was so good to speak to an impartial person and just have a good cry. It was also good for my husband to hear from someone else how for women it could be harder


----------



## fifalafel (Aug 30, 2016)

Hi Jengles & June2015,

Thank you for your messages of support. June2015 - thank you for sharing your experience. I think we all deserve medals for going through this process.

I hope it will be worth it in the end.

Xx


----------

