# New and need advice



## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi,

I could really do with some advice as I'm in a rut and I'm confused about what to do.

I'm 43 and I've been in my current relationship for over 10 years and it hasn't really got anywhere. The thing is, I have vaginismus and I've never had sexual penetration.  I've sought out plenty of help from professionals regarding this problem without any solution.

I really would like a child but as I'm not sure whether my partner is the right person I've delayed everything.  But the thing is I've never had the courage to go and I'm never sure I want to anyway, which is why I have stayed.

The thing is because there is no time to waste in respect of trying to get pregnant, I can't really afford to end the relationship for the purpose of finding someone else to have a child with can I?  It could take a long time to find someone who wanted to have a child and the stress of trying to do that would add to my depression I'm sure of it?  What should I do?  

I hope you won't give any negative comments as I believe there is surely someone who can relate to my situation.

Hoping you'll reply.


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi,

I can relate to this to some extent.
I was always terrified of sex, partly because when I was a teenager I got trapped by a fundamentalist church - and boy, do they hate sex! Also, it hurt when anybody tried to penetrate me. 
In the end, I finally went to be checked out and the gynaecologist found out I had a very thick hymen (sorry if tmi) and it would have to be removed surgically. That made intercourse possible though it was still a little while before I dared to do it. This, of course, is one reason why I'm over 40 and have no kids!
I don't know whether this is any help at all but just to say that I do know how it feels!
You say you've been checked out physically. Might it help to talk to someone, perhaps a counselor, about all this and see if there's anything else going on? Your post did sound as if you've got a few reservations about your relationship. I have to admit that even now, I wouldn't be able to have sex with anyone except my husband, who I trust never to hurt me.
Don't know if this is any help at all but didn't want to read and run.  

Rowanx


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Hi there
Gosh a very brave post from you. Welcome to FF, I hope you find the support you need on this amazing site. 

My personal view, having been in a relationship for 10 years (when I was younger) that got me nowhere, followed by a relationship that was a high risk in terms of having children, but that worked out, was that you need to examine very very carefully what you want from a relationship because children or not, the person you are with can make you very happy or very miserable. I have always felt that since I might not be blessed with children, I'd always prefer to be with a partner that I love and feel good with, since that is the here and now and also my more decipherable future. Children were always unpredictable. Ironic, as that was my view before I found out I had fertility problems.

If you chose to take the risk and leave your partner, it is possible to have a child as a single woman if it's what you really want. Not necessarily easy, but possible.

Do you think your vaginismus has anything to do with your relationship? Are you perhaps worried that someone new may not understand? I'm sure that the thought of finding or being with someone new, regardless, can be daunting. But not necessarily a reason to stay. It does sound as if you are so unsure it's delaying any other decisions about your life. I would tackle this first and then worry about whether or not you will have children, but do not delay as the older you are, the more you are likely to need help to conceive.

We have a board for ladies with vaginismus using IUI. Have you had a look?

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=7.0

I hope you make some decisions you are happy with soon.

We're here to listen if you need us.

Claire x


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Thanks for replying Rowan and Claire, it's very appreciated.  What I can say to you is that I am in a rut and I continuously search for a way out of this situation and to be honest I don't know what it is, which is probably due to the circumstances I have created.  Due the social anxiety that I experience I hardly ever leave the house and this adds to the complexity of having vaginismus.  Of course, it means that financially I am not very well off either so I wouldn't be able to afford treatment as I don't work to be able to afford it.  

I am so depressed and I can't even write my thoughts down properly here.  Should I just go ahead and try for a baby anyhow with my partner since I am  as it could be something positive that happens in my life.  I think if I leave it too late it will be something else that I regret and will further add to the depression I am experiencing.

Look forward to your reply.


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Well hun
I don't think anyone can really advise you what to do - it's your life, your partner, your chance at motherhood.....

I will tell you though that if you are already unsure about your relationship, a child is very unlikely to make you happier. A baby (and all too soon, a child) is massive strain on even a good strong relationship, and if you are already feeling depressed it could exacerbate things. I understand how frustrating and desperate the clock ticking can feel, I also understand you are worried you may regret leaving it til too late, but personally I would suggest you do whatever you can to feel better in yourself before you consider trying for a baby. This is purely my opinion though, and I don't know your personal circumstances so perhaps it is worth finding someone who can advise you professionally.

Are you able to get to your GP? I would strongly suggest you see your GP and ask for counselling. It seems you have alot to consider, which you need someone to spend time with you to help you sort out. 
You might suggest also that your partner and you see a Relate counsellor together, to discuss how your relationship will go forward.

http://www.relate.org.uk/

Good luck,

Claire x

/links


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi

Firstly here's a big  for feeling the way you do and for being brave enough to come on here and share your feelings - a really big first step in acknowledging the reality of the situation you are in. 

Your post sounds as if there are so many uncertainties in your life at the moment and some of them have clearly been long-term, to the point where they have almost become a version of "normal" to you. You say you are searching for something and you are questioning whether your relationship can give it to you, but actually hun, no relationship can give you inner peace you have to find that within yourself.  Often this isn't something you can achieve alone and a Counsellor or Psychotherapist can help you to achieve this and to resolve some of the thoughts and feelings you have.  Clearly you have a number anxieties which you have learnt to cope with by developing coping skills which mean you can avoid some situations which make you anxious, such as going out into social situations.  

I think if you can seek some help, just as you have today here, to help you resolve some of these issues within yourself you will start to feel much more settled and therefore able to cope with making long-term decisions about your relationship.  I certainly don't think getting pregnant and having a baby whilst you are feeling as you do would be wise for you, for your partner or for any babies you may have.  Yet, if you take a little time and help to get move along life's journey and to a better emotional place then I'm sure you'll make a fab mum.

I'm going to leave you a link for the BACP on their site you can find therapists in your area who can offer allsorts from Psychotherapy, Counselling etc.  It's worth giving it a go because your Vaginismus is only one element of a very complex situation.

Take care and well done for taking a first step! 

www.bacp.co.uk

Amanda xxxx

/links


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## adviceplease (Feb 7, 2009)

Hi,

Thank you again for your positive replies.  When you suggest getting counselling, I can say that I saw a counsellor in my twenties and sometime in my early thirties and it didn't get me anywhere.  I realise that I have a lot of obstacles to overcome and somehow since I have tried things in the past I am becoming less motivated to go for counselling.  However, I've noticed that I am getting very stressed and depressed about seeing people with children and my feeling left out.  I've always liked children and my sisters say it is a shame that they all have some and I don't.  Should I try counselling again or go ahead and try and get insemination somehow.  I am so confused.

I'm glad I found this forum and hope it can motivate me to do something.


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi again,

I get stressed about seeing young families, too, so much that I try not to go shopping when I know there will be lots of families about. This means that I don't want to shop at weekends, school holidays, after about 4 on a weekday...It's not a good way to deal with the feelings but it's hard not to just run away and hide. Needless to say, I avoid friends with children and even the neighbours if I can. 
I'm now having counselling myself, for this and a few other issues. I don't know whether it would work for you, it's difficult, at times and does drag up all sorts of feelings. My counsellor last week used the word 'accept' about the childlessness and no way am I ready to hear that word! I spent most of the next day in tears. How do you accept the unacceptable, especially when you read some of the stories in the media about multiple births, very young parents, etc?
You might like to think about getting some sort of help, hun, perhaps starting with your feelings about your relationship. Relate are very good. I do agree that counseling isn't a easy road to take but if you can get through the process it can be very helpful.
I hope you find some peace about it all soon. 

Rowanx


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Rowan -     I think we have all felt like you do at some point in the journey...... it's very tough seeing it all about you when you can't join in    Good for you getting some help to think it through, you sound very brave.   

adviceplease -  my suggestion that you talk to a counsellor is because you seem to have so much going on in your head and it's hard to pick it apart and decide what course you would like your life to take.  It also sounds to me as though your bodyclock is having a strong influence in this and may take you down a path without taking other factors into account.  As you say, you feel you are stuck in a rut, you don't know what to do about your relationship with your partner, and you don't really seem to know for sure, if I can be honest with you, about whether you would feel right to try for a child with him, go it alone and have a child, or not try to have a child at all.  These are such big decisions that you can be forgiven for needing some help to make them.

A counsellor will not tell you what to do, a good counsellor helps YOU to talk and think through your issues and your attitudes towards them, so that you can decide in your own time what is best for YOU.

I have the impression, if you don't mind my saying, that you'd like someone to advise you about what you should do.  No one can really do this hun, you need to make those decisions yourself, but a counsellor could help you find a way through the maze.  As you feel your time is running short I would do what you can to get someone to help you sooner rather than later, and not debate the issue for too long or your decision could be made for you. 

By the way most fertility clinics also offer counselling in relation to whatever treatment you are having.

But I would start by talking to your partner - you don't really mention his feelings in all of this, and I'm wondering how much you're trying to make decisions about your future together - or apart - on your own.  I really do think your future as a couple needs to be clearer to both of you before you consider having a child - with him or someone else. 

best of luck hun,

Claire x


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## Rowan22 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hi Claire and thank you!

Love the pictures of your little ones, by the way!  

We're still trying to work out what we can do. We've already been turned down for adoption on health grounds and my age is against us conceiving naturally. We don't have any money, either but I am not giving up! I want to have a child! And I am certainly not ready to hear the 'a' word!
All we want is one egg, just one good egg! I'm sure there must be one there. It's just finding it! 

Rowanx


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