# Don't really know how to keep going...



## Schnoodle (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi ladies, 

I don't usually post in here but well, I've been feeling so lost and overwhelmed, I thought I would pop on and see you lovely girls!

We have had our 3 siui's and are awaiting out first and last ivf ( all funded) due to financial reasons we won't be able to fund our own treatment should the funded one not work. We were due to have our ivf cycle in febuary but I am out of work so we have had to put that back until things are sorted on the work front. 

I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with my emotions and feelings around infertility, to the point where I have booked myself an appointment with my GP to see about some anti depressants. My hunny isn't a 'talker' so it's hard to have a conversation with him about how I am feeling, and also we have MF issues, so I feel bad talking too much as I think it makes him feel guilty so as silly as it sounds its a bit of a taboo subject in our house! 

I, like many of you have lost a lot of friends due to infertility as they all have young kids and it kills me to be around them as they just dont get it even after all this time.also, I think I'd you haven't been through it you can't understand it! 

So, I just feel so alone and lonely and find it hard to think of anything else at the moment. I have been struggling to sleep at night and have found myself getting more and more anxious about what if this ivf doesn't work as I genuinely have no idea where we go from there. We have no savings and no one to borrow money from to pay for treatment, and hubby really wouldn't go for adoption so I just feel like this is our only chance. I can't seem to distract myself though I have tried, I'm joining the gym, and am finding it hard to take pleasure out of the things I normally love doing. 

I'm really hoping this is something I can drag myself out of with the gp's help as I just feel so lost and alone and so very sad.

Is it just me who feels like this? Does anyone have any advice? I'm really not much of a talker with strangers so counselling isn't really an option?

Xxxx


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## Fordy girl (Jan 4, 2011)

Hi Hun, 

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down. I have just had our 3rd cycle, you can see from my signature that we have had one heartbreak after another. 

My DH isn't a talker and he has MF issues too. We did go to counselling and it was really helpful, we had some counselling together and some just for me after we lost our lovely triplets. I too have lost lots of friends and feel really alone a lot of the time. My family haven't been great with understanding how I feel and at times they have been awful and I could have easily just walked away from them and never seen them again. 

I wish that I had some great answer that would help, but I don't. If you want to message me, feel free, I can alway do with another friend, and especially one who knows the disappointment of not being able to have children. 

I won't say keep your chin up, because that's crap. Stay strong as a couple. I have had to take my hubby aside and say a that I need to talk to him and once he realised that I needed that he was really good.  He has his ups and downs and sometimes he's really crap, but we have shared our experiences and nobody knows how I feel like he does. 

Take care and keep talking to us, it really does help xxx


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## Peaches1984 (Mar 4, 2012)

I agree with what Fordy Girl said.

People don't realize how hard dealing with infertility is unless they are going through it too. I have had one chemical pregnancy and a failed cycle. The chemical pregnancy torn me apart and I felt so down and sad all the time, I didn't think I would ever feel happy again. Things don't get any easier but you somehow have to find a way to carry on else it will swallow you up and will affect your relationship.

You need to try and keep busy, throw yourself into a project.

I hope your ivf goes well and that you are successful on your first go


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## muusa (Mar 28, 2012)

As an alternative to the therapist and the antidepressants, I would recommend a self-help book, Conquering Infertility by A. Domar. A couple of years ago I was in a very dark place myself and that book helped me out where a counselor I had seen hadn't (didn't click with her). Also, some sort of meditation/positive thinking program (there are many you can find, I used the Circle and Bloom one just because it was on promotion at that time) can be helpful.

Also, you say you cannot speak to your husband. I would try to find someone you can talk to who understands (even from this board, see if there is someone around where you live and send them a personal message), someone that you could actually meet up with in real life. Or maybe they have a support group at your clinic - this really helps SO much because as you say, the people who have not gone through this do not understand. This is another thing I did and it really helped both me and my husband, since I stopped asking him for support that he could not give me.

Finally, you might not want to hear it but I will try anyway - try to give yourself and your husband time. You are still rather young, you do still have time, another 10 years easily. Being stressed about it is not going to help. As long as you feel that you are working on it (at your own pace), that is all you can do. A few months is NOT going to make such a difference in the grand scheme of things. And since it's MF, you do have a good chance that IVF will work the first time. Good luck, I have my fingers crossed for you!


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Schnoodle, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.  I have just posted a very similar message before I had the chance to read yours and I can completely understand how you are feeling with regards to friends and feeling so alone.  This whole journey is just torture and so very very cruel.  I don't really have any advice for you as I am feeling so incredibly low myself and don't know how to cope with anything at all at the moment, but I just wanted to send you lots of love and I hope somehow that things start to get a little brighter for you, love Emma xxx


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## Schnoodle (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for the replies all, I bit the bullet and went to the doctors, who was lovely, but after I ha poured my heart out, he told me to fill in a questionaore and go back in a week!

Thanks for all your help and advise xx

Emma, bug hugs hunny xxx


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