# I guess some people just don't think who they're talking to?



## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

I've been having a hard week. Our hospital has "misplaced" some test results and I haven't been able to track them down (the only person in the world who can do that, apparently, is on holiday), my AF has gone missing again (and no, no happy miracles here), I haven't been sleeping, and all sorts of stress has been getting me down. So I'm not in the best frame of mind anyway. 

And I get an email from an old friend telling the happy news of their 2nd child on the way, which is all fine and dandy. I'm mostly fine with other people's pregnancies. But this is a friend who knows very well our history of "12 years and still no baby"; most of the details of it, and I've even talked with her about how our medical history might mean we can't even adopt. And in this same email she tells me that she now knows how I feel! Apparently they had to try for DC2 for 10 months before getting pg on their first cycle of Clomid. I'm sure it was a stressful time, yes. Had she told me about it while they were going through it, I'd have tried to be very supportive. But what on earth makes her tell me that "it was so hard for us, because having DC1 we know what we'd be losing out on! I know it's something you can't understand, but I just think a person's life is meaningless without watching children grow up and bringing up the next generation." Ummm.... thanks for that.  

I'm sure that's all true for them, but what the feck happened in her brain to think that was a great thing to share with me?! This condescending letter's really upset me; more so even than the pregnant friend who (also knowing my history) told me about her previous abortions and how she had decided to keep this one, because "Weelll... I dunno; might as well, right?" With her I must admit to thinking - good luck, baby!

I just needed to get that off my chest. Just one of those days when other people's thoughtlessness wasn't what I needed. I'm pretty glad I hadn't told the friend in question about how we're trying again. I answered her with a happy update on all the nice (apparently meaningless) things we've been getting upto all childlessly, with an afterthought of "Congratulations on the pregnancy; that must have been very hard for you."

And breathe. I'm gonna eat an ice cream!


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## moo84 (Oct 14, 2011)

Hi Myxini,

There's not much to say to that is there!! People can be so unbelievably thoughtless. Even those who we would expect better of.

   to you, try not to let it get to you too much, and I hope your hospital results turn up soon. In the meantime try to enjoy this lovely sunshine.

Love, Moo xx


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## duckybun (Feb 14, 2012)

Aw myxini,

I just wanted to let you know that I dont think I could've handled that situation with as much grace as you did. Your friend is very lucky to have you! Even if she is oblivious, I for one can understand how incredibly painful and upsetting that letter must've been. Massive hugs. 

X
Ducky


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## smilingandwishing (Apr 24, 2010)

Good on you for dealing with it so well.  Some people just don't think or even have the ability to put themselves in others' shoes!

Hope icecream was scrummy and that things start to turn round for you.

Hugs 

Smiling x


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## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

Thanks guys. It means a lot that some plp understand. 
Ice cream was lovely and DH brought home a bottle of wine, so I've had a nice glass too. Feeling much calmer.


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Just sending you a hug honey.  

Just wanted to reassure you that you aren't being oversensitive. I have a "best" friend who says rubbish quite often about babies (apparently it's really difficult when you get pregnant just looking at your husband) and I'm going to try and take a leaf out if your book and be gracious about rather than my usual ignoring tactic!

X x x


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## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

Hehe, I'm glad it comes across as gracious - my intention at the time was a bit sarcastic... Ignoring sounds like a good tactic to me really.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

My reply would have been far worse then yours.  How on earth can someone compare 10 months of TTC to 12 years of TTC?

I never forgot when I tried for 4 years after a m/c with not a sniff of a BFP and my cousin who it took 3 months to conceive, said how hard it had been and she didn't think it was going to happen for them!  Grrrgh.  

And good for you telling her about all the wonderful things you are doing in your 'Worthless, pointless life'.  I would have mentioned Las Vegas and 5 star cruises to!

I wish you all the best.

X


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi
A few yrs ago i had to drop a friend when she said much the same to me, she nad ivf and had a dd then three yr later a ds via a clinic i recommended to her which annoys me anyway hw it worked for her twice and never for me grrrr, we met up regularly and once she had dd with her and said to me keep trying and u will get there, then while bouncing her dd on her knee said she always knew she was destined to be a mother and how now her life is full of meaning and she couldnt imagine a life without them ect ect, i sat there thinking hw can she detail that to me when im just after getting a bfn, she said if its meant to  be it will happen , i went home and cried my eyes out also never meetup with her again,

On that note i once went to a so called healer for a skin condition and during the session i mentioned my fertility probs, he said his wife had pcos but still they had a ds, i smiled then he: hovered his hand over my abdomen area and frowned and said hmm, but for some women its just not meant to be,, i have felt cursed by him to this day and that was 8 yrs ago 

Its all so sad and hurtful i just wish people wud realise how awful they make us feel
Rosebud


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

On my journey I have learnt that for me (although everyone needs to find the way that is best for them) that sometimes I need to put myself first and nicely say to people - that wasn't a very considerate thing to do to me. PG people's and mothers rights seem to trump everything / everyone. Being pregnant / and or a mother doesn't make being incredibly inconsiderate, rude or condescending ok. 

It is very un like me I have always been a person who will massively inconvenience herself in order not to upset others but having been through so much with IF and other things in the last 5 years I have learnt that it is ok to put my feelings first sometimes. 

For me people are 100% entitled to their feelings / thoughts / views / moans / annoyance but and this is crucial PICK YOUR AUDIENCE!!!!!! I have 1 friend who is also adopting and with her I discuss lots of things and express loads of views that I simply wouldn't say to anyone else. 

I have a friend who is 8 months pregnant with her first child after 5 IVF cycles we discuss things that we would never say in front of the other girls in our friendship circle who all conceived naturally and very quickly. 

I give people round me this consideration and they should give me the same. Don't get me wrong I still tolerate the day to day thoughtlessness but when someone is insensitive on the kind of level you're discussing I either let my complete silence and killer eyes do the talking. Or make a quiet calm response like - I don't know being in my situation I don't really think I'm the right person to discuss that with. Or - That was a really insensitive and hurtful way to go round that. I know you didn't mean to upset me but think about it from my point of view and you must see that X is incredibly difficult for me. I understand it was probably the best thing for you and you have a right to put yourself first however I need to protect myself so I will probably distance myself from you for a while. I am glad you're happy and life is going well for you  but I'm not and life is tough and has been for a while so I need to prioritize looking after myself. 

I have found that the fact I no longer bend over backwards for everyone has meant they have stopped some of their most inconsiderate behaviors.  Unfortunately it seems people will do what they feel they can get away with since I lowered my tolerance others have become more considerate in response. 

I wish you luck and   how ever you choose to handle this and future issues with this friend. x x x


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## Myxini (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry so many of you have had similar crap to deal with.  And I think you're right Gwyneth. I try to pick my audience and I'm entitled to expect that others take my circumstances and feelings into account as well. 

At the moment I simply think that since this friend clearly isn't doing so, I will share less of my life and feelings with her for a time at least. I wouldn't want to lose her for good, because she's one of those ridiculously old friends who've always just BEEN there. I mean our grandparents were friends, our parents grew up together; we were born two months apart and grew up next door from each other etc. So I've always thought we have a friendship where we know each other inside and out. We don't actually meet very often these days, because of where we live, but when we meet or talk it's always been very effortless closeness. Or so I thought. I'm actually a bit surprised she hadn't told me about their trouble in ttc and told me her news in an email, anyway. Time will tell how things go, of course. I'm done mulling over it now, I think - more important things in life, after all.


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## chabelovsky (Jan 4, 2013)

So sorry to hear that you had to be on the receiving end of that. It is amazing how some of the most thoughtless and hurtful comments come from close friends, and how IF can start to show some big holes in relationships. But can also show incredible support from others.

My "best" friend (no longer I'm afraid) has come out with a string of hurtful comments, from repeatedly emailing details of donor eggs (even after repeatedly making it clear that my own eggs had not yet been completely written off thanks!), after my miscarriage texting me to say "OMG I've jsut seen the Panorama programme about pregnancy and anti-depressants - are you still on them, if you are you have to watch this - scary stuff". Gee, thanks, after a miscarriage and years of depression I really need more scary stuff! And the most recent, after inviting them for dinner this weekend to try to give her another chance, she told me about the "really awful" miscarriange another friend went through - that this other friend went through a really terrible time and how it was so hard because they already had their twins to look after... She's still not asked me how I'm doing after my miscarriage.

She really fails on the "picking your audience" front. Whatever she thinks comes out of her mouth with no filter and with very little regard for others' feelings. On the opposite end of this scale I worry about how offended she will be if I speak up and point out that what she says can be hurtful...

Good luck everone with your insensitive friends/family - sorry to hear that you too are dealing with this stuff, but it has been a support for me to see that this happens to others and that others find it hard to deal with.
xx


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## Mrs_Fox (Jan 4, 2013)

Hey ladies! So sorry you've all been through this unfortunately too familiar treatment.

I have two 'best friends' and when we started TTC 4 years ago they couldn't have been more supportive. But since then their interest has waned which is just fine by me because I have other much more sensitive people to discuss it with.

But, in the last 12 months they have both got married and are thinking about starting to TTC themselves and both on separate occasions have said 'Don't worry, we'll probably have the same issues as you' with the head nod in the direction of my belly! Nice, so just because we've had problems so will you? And why would you ever think that might make us happy or make it easier for us?? We wouldn't wish that on anyone.

And we have the other type of 'friend' who does the usual 'Well you wouldn't understand as you don't have children'. And our attitude to that is to remove them from our lives, because they wouldn't understand our life because they have children!

I know it's hard, but I find the best way is to surround yourself with those people who do care, empathise and don't constantly put their foot in it. I don't mind people asking the questions, because it's natural but as long as they ask with genuine care and interest, not something to gossip about.

Sorry rant over! xxx


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## smilingandwishing (Apr 24, 2010)

Aww, just sending more hugs to all of you that have faced unthinking people. 

I think not only is it the case that some people just don't think, I think others just seem to have incredibly short memories. For those lucky enough to become parents after years of trying a small minority can forget how painful those trying years were and be very blase about things.

The best thing is that there is a whole host of wonderful women on FF that are truly supportive and understand how it feels to be at all stages of the journey. 

Hope you're all enjoying the sunshine and managing to keep cool

Smiling xx


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