# New to FF - really struggling



## EmGran (Mar 15, 2014)

Hi,

My husband and I have been TTC for just over 2 years now, with 'unexplained fertility' as a diagnosis. I am about to start IVF treatment in October. I thought I was handling it all ok but I just found out via blasted ******** that my friend is pregnant again - instead of being happy for her I'm crying my eyes out. Coming on my period today has obviously contributed to the maelstrom. I feel like I am drowning in bitterness, sadness and hopelessness and I realise I am not really coping at all. 

I am worried about the future of my marriage, my friendships, my relationships with my family, and my own physical and mental health - there are other reasons on top of infertility why everything feels too much and I feel like I have had enough.

I guess I'm looking for someone to talk to - has anyone got some good advice of how to get through the bleak times?

Sorry to be on such a downer, what an introduction! 

x


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## Fi1981 (Dec 2, 2010)

Hi EmGran,

Sorry your feeling so low. I think you will find most people on here have been there.  It's the worst feeling.  I always coped with pregnancy announcements at the start quite well, obviously a feeling of jealousy of why not me was there but I thought I'd always dealt ok with it.  I think I started to feel it more in the last couple of years as I've seen people having 2nd babies when we have been trying longer than the age of their 1st! Spent many a time in tears over it, but it does get better. I always feel it's not that I'm not happy for people but it's a reminder of what I'm missing out on.

Your not alone & it's normal to feel the way you do. Try focusing on your upcoming ivf, it's not easy but it can & does work. You could ask your clinic if there is any support groups in your area you could join. This is a great forum as well. Lots of support & there will be a thread you can join when you start your treatment with lots of you going through it at the same time.

Keep your chin up & remember your not alone in feeling this way!

Fi.x


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

Sweetie, I can't really promise good advice but here's a big  

You have come to the right place as we are full to bursting on here with all the longing of TTC and all of the complex feelings that go alongside it.

Pregnancy announcements are horrific - please don't beat yourself up for feeling bitter and jealous.  Life is not fair - it is ok to think that because it is true.  It's ok to feel sorry for yourself and lick your wounds when hard things happen.

Fertility treatment is HARD but the way I get through it is accepting it's the only way for us and trying to think of it as a positive thing as far as possible.  I find it easier to keep that frame of mind when it's just me and my husband and harder when I compare other people's circumstances and how it came easily for them..... again.... life's not fair.

Take each day at a time, especially when you are hormonal hon, and keep coming on here   x


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

Sorry to hear your struggling  All the negative feelings that are weighing you down right now will subside and they are totally normal. It's ok to feel the way you do and it's good that you can off load here without being judged.

I found that I started to feel better once my IVF started and now whenever another friend gets pregnant I just think great another playmate for mine when they eventually arrive 

Good luck with your journey


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## EmGran (Mar 15, 2014)

Wow, thanks for replying and the lovely words of encouragement suzylee, Bumble Bus and Fi.

I like to think of myself as realistic, but sometimes it slips into pessimism which doesn't always help. After 24 + months of disappointment while TTC naturally I daren't get my hopes up for the IVF which kind of leaves me focussing on the negative elements of it. 

Perhaps it would be best to try not to compare my situation with other people's, after all what good can it do me? The funny thing is I am ok with babies and children - they are just some great little people on the planet like everyone else, but it's the pregnancy news, scan pictures and birth announcements that really sting. I was recently out catching up with ex-colleagues and one is pregnant, and despite knowing about my fertility issues she shoved her scan pictures under my nose and asked if I would like to have a look. I said "not really" in possibly the flattest tone of all time. 

The other friend that I just found out is pregnant with her second had actually been about to start IVF before she fell pregnant with her first child. I was genuinely so happy for her that time but strangely now she is pregnant for the second time I feel different, like I'm just a total failure while she has gotten pregnant twice now.

Well thanks guys for your reassuring words - it helps that I don't feel I have to beat myself up about negative feelings.

Any advice where would be good for me to join in discussions on this forum? I'll be starting IVF in October and will be donating eggs, if there's anyone else who has been or will be going down this particular path I'd love to talk it over with someone.

Also, is there anywhere on here where people are having general discussions about their partners and the effect of infertility on their relationships? I am really struggling in my marriage - in short, my husband already has a child from his first marriage - that's tricky enough and often I am jealous of his relationship with her. But to make it worse, because he already has a child we can't get free IVF on the NHS so we're paying for private treatment. Worse still, he's been out of work since we started trying 2 years ago. Even worse, so far the only hint of a problem we have seen in relation to our fertility is his possibly poor sperm quality. We've only been married for 2 years and this is certainly putting a big strain on things. 

Thanks again for your support x


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## karenanna (Dec 27, 2008)

Hi Em

  I remember one of my best friends getting accidently pregnant when I was going through treatment. It was awful as she and her husband had never wanted children. I remember getting off the phone when she told me and just bursting into tears about the unfairness of it all.

I've posted you some links below that might help:

We have a great board for Coping with Infertility here http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=554.0

Our IVF boards here http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=3.0

And also Cycle buddies threads http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=68.0 - one has started for Sept/Oct that you can join

Lastly - we have a regions in the UK section where you can find other ladies in your area http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=218.0

Lots of  for your treatment

KA xxx


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## EmGran (Mar 15, 2014)

That's great Karenanna, thank you I will have a look at those links.

Thank you again to everyone already. I've just come back from camping in the lake district and I feel a lot better - I think the break did me some good.

Onwards and upwards eh?


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## Hope74 (Jun 8, 2012)

EmGram, I just wanted to write to give you some hope and good luck. I was in a similar situation as you, with OH already having a child which made us ineligible for IVF on the NHS. That still makes me angry because it's so incredibly unfair - I mean, that child already has another mum, so how can that satisfy MY wish to be a mum? Also, like you, all my tests came back fine and the problem seemed to lie with OH's sperm - I guess although he fathered a child 10 years ago these things can change / deteriorate over time. Anyway, we went to one of the top clinics, have spent £20k+ but after 1 ICSI and 2 frozen transfers, we have a 1-year old baby boy and I am now 7 weeks pregnant again. Our family is almost complete. We didn't have that money sitting in a bank account by the way, we had about half, and just seemed to find the rest as we went along - as it was in drips and drabs that seemed to work! Best of luck for your journey! x


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## 2nd time lucky (Jul 6, 2014)

My heart goes out to you and I think the feelings of anger, bitterness and hopelessness are, I'm sure, ones we can all identify with. Most of my close friends are now onto their second, if not third, children. My sister in law announced she was pregnant again (3rd time) after we had confessed we were both going to try at the same time. My nephew just celebrated his second birthday. The strangest one recently that I probably feel the most guilt for is a close colleague in my team - same age as me. She had fertility issues and conceived her first child through ICS (sorry, not sure that's the correct acronym), and he's about 3. I've told her about my issues and shes been so supportive. She's just found out she's pregnant for the second time naturally, which I am genuinely delighted for her. I really am. But what really got me was when she told others in our team in front of me who aren't aware of my fertility issues. We just got married last year and all of my colleagues were there so I'm sure they'll all be wondering "oh why isn't she announcing anything?". It's hard when people assume it's a choice we're making or come out with stupid comments like, "oh youre not getting any younger" - it really does get on top of you sometimes. But I've found huge comfort in sharing experiences with others who know what you're going through. So hopefully this forum will help you out a great deal. Hope you manage to get all the support you need and know that you don't need to feel guilty about any of those feelings you have x x


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## EmGran (Mar 15, 2014)

Thanks Hope and Dawny, thanks so much for your support.

Yes it's so frustrating and makes me very angry that I'm having to pay for treatment because of my husband having already fathered a child over 16 years ago now before we had even met. Sometimes I feel so mad about how unfair it is, and it certainly doesn't help that it might be a male-factor problem causing our infertility... or that my husband isn't working and we're paying for this out of just my wages. It will be worth it though if we get there in the end, I haven't given up on the dream just yet  

Dawny - it's spooky because guess what? My good friend at work, one who has a kid already but has been incredibly supportive and has been great to confide in... it turns out she is probably pregnant with her second. Bless her she has been fretting about telling me. I'm pleased for her, but gutted because now work won't be the sanctuary it had been. The main thing I liked about work is I could not think about fertility stuff but now it's going to be there, in my face for the next 9 months. I hope I don't lose the plot at work!!  

Thanks again ladies xx


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Em, That made me close to tears. I am sorry you feel like that. It all sounds very familiar to me, I have actually distanced myself from some of my closest friends. Good luck lovely x


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## EmGran (Mar 15, 2014)

Hi Perla, thank you so much for the support. 

I hope in the long-term either our situation changes or the pain subsides enough for us to pick up friendships again. It seems especially unfair that we miss out on friendships as well as having to struggle with infertility issues.

For the time-being I will need to distance myself where I can for my sanity's sake... obviously not an option at work since we are all crammed into one office, I'll just have to work super hard instead to take my mind off things  

I feel a bit better now that AF has disappeared for the time-being. Fluctuating hormones don't help do they?!

x


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

It is such a hard time and difficult when people do not understand. I pretty much don't talk to one of my closest friends now as we were both trying at the same time! Her son is 18months now and she has never asked me how things are going since she had him, it may be as she doesn't know what to say but feels more like she is just getting on with her own life!
The worst thing people say is relax and it will happen and all that crap! 
I am having my next ivf oct/nov. X


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## EmGran (Mar 15, 2014)

Ha, yep I've had that from my mother-in-law. She tells me to "calm down"... strangely that never seems to make me feel any calmer.

I'll be doing my first go at IVF October / November too - I'll probably be hanging around the cycle buddies threads when I start so maybe see you there.

Best of luck xxx


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## Perla (Feb 20, 2013)

Ok me yes I will be back on there when the times comes.
Good luck to you too x


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