# 2 week wait over Christmas?



## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi, I'm new to FF and this is my first post so I'm a little nervous. Just wanted to write for some of your thoughts and advice really! We're about to start our 2nd cycle of ICSI with down regging due to start next Sat and an estimated ec date of w/c 6 Dec. I'm starting to have the wobbles about the time of year, will have my 2ww over Christmas - I'm not so bothered about not drinking during the boozy celebrations because (hopefully!) getting pregnant is my priority but we really wanted to keep things to ourselves this time and I'm just nervous about questions, comments etc. Silly really I know! Guess I just feel cautious after getting a negative last November and then again with our frozen cycle in March. Since then I've had a salpingectomy in July and although I think I feel ready for starting again, I suppose I am just a bit bruised and maybe a little bit fragile about it all. I didn't live in dream land thinking that it would work the first time but it still felt like a big blow. I am 34 and partner is 37 - he thinks we should go for it as we're not getting any younger. Would be lovely just to get some peoples' advice really. 

Thanks for reading
Frothy X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hiya frothy, so sorry to hear about your previous attempts not working, fingers crossed for this one! have you tried the 'antibiotic' card, saying you can't drink because of medication? then if someone offers you a drink you can fob them off a bit easier xx hope that helps, Im fairly new to this too, 

Joanne xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Joanne

Thanks for your reply - yes that's a good one. We told a few close friends and family last time and they were all so very supportive and waiting in expectation but we decided this time we wanted to keep things to ourselves. It was just very painful telling people afterwards. So what's your story then? 

Bye for now

Frothy X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

we haven't told many people yet, only a couple of people know we've been ttc for about 2 1\2 years, and we only found out about 3 weeks ago that Hubby has problems with motility-they said they were more or less swimming backwards! so we are still trying to get used to the fact we will need fertility treatment. we haven't even told our parents, i don't know if the expectation will add to the pressure, or if it will just get everyone off our backs. one thing i do know is, once we tell people, there will be no going back, so we will have to be sure we want them to know! Aaaargh its just so confusing! 
Joanne xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

btw sorry if my replies seem short and to the point, i can only access this from my fone and its difficult to type properly lol xxx


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## Catb33 (Aug 1, 2006)

Hi Frosty, 


Starting tx again after a break is a difficult thing, and over Xmas is an added pressure. I found that to make the decision I looked at what I would feel like if I didn't go for it. If you'd be happier delaying a few months then that may be the better thing for you but if you'd sit there at Xmas wondering if you should have gone for it, then it might be better to go for it now. 


The antibiotic card is a great one. It will also cover you if you're not feeling well enough to go out!


As you're new here you may not have seen the cycle buddies board. There is a thread for each month so you can get support from people going through the same things as you at the same time. 


Good luck


Cath x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies. I've been having similar concerns, my frozen cycle was cancelled last week because of a car accident and I can't bear to wait till next year so i'm going straight into it during the Xmas season.  It's the work related parties that i'm dreading, don't want anyone from work knowing. I've told quite a few friends now, I've been avoiding bumps and babies and it was getting noticed (almost all my friends have babies) so I thought I'd better explain than offend people. Friends have been great and really supportive, feel less lonely now my friends understand what we're going through a bit more xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

Cath- that's good advice

bearhug- sorry to hear about the accident, hope you are ok? Im dying to tell people but still really not sure if i should. did the people you told start asking more questions? or did they start acting differently around you? like maybe avoiding normal every day family chit chat? i think that that would annoy me more than all the questions!
sorry to bombard you with all of this lol, it just plays on my mind a lot! 

Joanne xxx


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## samsa (Aug 20, 2010)

i am hoping to be starting my injections mid dec but transfer wouldnt be until mid jan. This is my 1st go so i have no idea how i will feel going through treatment, but i figured both me and dh will be off for 2 weeks together over xmas with lots of chill time so am actually hoping it all goes ahead to start then. Just an added thought xx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hiya samsa, i should be about a month to month and a half after you- hopefully!  

Joanne xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls, thanks for all your lovely replies. 

Joanne, your replies aren't short at all - no apols needed! I think once you get your head around your circumstances it's a really exciting time ahead for you both. We didn't tell anyone except my mum and a couple of very close friends who have been through the same but nearer the time I found it easier to confide in a couple of people at work, as I was terrified of mood swings or feeling rubbish (as it was I have never felt better during my injections!) - we also had a few weddings and things to go to and it's fair to say it's unheard of for me to not be drinking so decided to tell another small group of friends. I am kind of glad we did, because they understand now but I still feel sometimes it has become our identity - people are only being kind and supportive but I am always getting asked how things are going, if there is any progress blah blah. It saddens me sometimes that we will never have that amazing 'out of the blue' surprise at having a missed period and finding a double line on a test and that people seem to think it's their business to ask about things - but then again I do have a side to me that is very private and other people might appreciate that kind of support. I think you're right though, once it's out it's out but you have only found out recently and may decide you want to tell a few people once you have got your head around it. Do you have any idea yet when your treatment will start? 

Hi Bearhug - sorry to hear about your accident - are you okay?? I empathise with you so much about avoiding babys and bumps - and don't they just seem to be everywhere!! Needing IVF has brought out a side to me that I didn't really think i had. I have never been a jealous type but see the green eyed monster in me rearing its head - it's not that I want to take away other peoples' joy and pleasure, it's just that I yearn for it so much myself, you can't help but feel a bit wistful can you. Well done on getting a frozen embie, I will be keeping all my fingers crossed for you. 

Cath - thanks for the advice on the cycle buddies page. I will take a look. I think we are going to go for it as planned starting next Sat with down regging. My reasoning is that it's our priority and we've got the chance to go for it. Knowing what I am like in the winter months Feb/Mar aren't exactly the months I feel at my best and I don't want to look back and wish we had given it a go. On another post I read yesterday someone had put 'if you try and don't get your result then at least you know you have given it your best shot - if you don't try then you will never know' and that kind of spurred me on. 

sorry I have completely waffled, hope you haven't switched off! 
Best wishes to you all (and hi Samsa!)
Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Morning girlies!!

When I did my first cycle last year we only told our parents and I my manager, we had stopped drinking and avoided our friends so they wouldn't ask questions. I felt really lonely and when it didn't work I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. It was really hard. I hadn't found this website then either. The second time we tried we went for ICSI (last year as well) and it was only 3 months after the first attempt. We decided we couldn't hide away for ever so we decided to tell some of our closest friends. When we found out it didn't work and saw them most of them asked if I wanted to talk about it or avoid the subject, I wanted to talk about it and got a lot of support which I needed. We didn't have anything to freeze out of these two cycles. Then ealier this year we went for a third attempt, we had ICSI and CGH, we got a lot of embryos this time round and 9 made it to blasts, they had had biopsies done on them and the cells taken out were genetically tested (CGH). 3 out of our 9 blasts turned out to be normal and I had one put in around June but got a BFN. This time I didn't want to talk about it and said to friends that I just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened and have fun. So to be honest I don't know how you will react if it works or if it doesn't. I generally find it easier to deal with things by talking through them. I found this website this year too which has been great.

Frothy - we had ICSI too as you can see, but DH also had to cut down on his alochol, take Zinc supplements and avoid baths/saunas (nothing hot in the groin area). It made a really big difference to us when my DH followed that advice. Think we're going to be cycling together hun, my estimated date for implant is 16 December. Yep I hate that green eyed moster, i get it particularly bad with friends that announced their pregnancies around the time I got BFNs, I associate their lovely little babies with what could have been.

Joanne - yep I'm feeling better now thanks, was in floods of tears when my cycle got cancelled after all the build up and medication but it was the right thing. I want to be realxed and healthy when they implant our little blast (got 2 left now). I out a bit of info about hsaring with friends above. We did get a lot of stupid comments when we first told people though, I ended up sending my friends an e-mail with advise on how to support someone going through IVF and it has really helped. I can dig it out if you think you might find it useful? It's a link to a website.

Hello Cath and Samsa.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend girlies xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Bearhug

Bless you, been through so much already. Stick in there, I feel back on the up already after reading posts on here. Yes my e/c is planned for wc 6 dec so we will be going thru at similar times. Haven't decided whether to tell people again yet. Keep in touch x


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## Catb33 (Aug 1, 2006)

bearhug -    sorry to hear about your accident. 


Frothy -     for this cycle. 


MrsJC and samsa -   


Telling people or not is possibly one of the hardest decisions going into tx. We've been trying to keep it quiet at work (to the extent that I'm down as annual leave despite planning to get a sick certificate next week once we start stimming) but then when the mood swings hit with a vengeance last week there weren't many who knew so I had to just pretend it was a normal bad mood or PMT. Thankfully my boss, who got a bit of a tirade as he'd left us up the creek without a paddle, knew so I got away with having a go   We've also kept it fairly quiet amongst the family. OUr sisters know but not the parents. It gives us someone to talk about but people we're closer to and who won't be constantly asking questions. 


Enough rambling, need to go and check on the roast dinner. Hope you're all having a nice stress free weekend.


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

thanx for the advice ladies, i think Im veering towards telling people, at least a few close people who will probably notice the time off work and lack of drinking ability lol! Im known as being quite gobby and happy at work and its quite a small place- i work in a private nursery, looking after babies - and it will definitely not go unnoticed if Im moody or absent a lot x i think the questions will be worse if they don't know what's going on. will speak to DH later and see how if feels
Joanne xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

bearhug-that email sounds fab hunni, would be much appreciated thanx xx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello! Have gone through my e-mails and found the links, the first article is quite well written I think, puts things in a nice way. And in the second article; I've had all those things said to me. In fact it was one of my friends that gave me the idea of sending this out. We'd been at a wedding and she was trying to make me feel better about my up coming treatment and said things that upset me instead of making me feel better and I ended up shedding a few tears saying I wasn't sure if it was ever going to happen for us. The next day she sent me an e-mail saying she'd been researhing IVF on the internet so she could give me more support and that she'd found this second article and realised she was saying all the wrong things. I don't know what you decide to do but I hope it helps. I used to feel a bit abnormal about my feelings but now I realise that a lot of us feel the same way, I am normal after all  .

http://www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/membershipbenefits/?id=12172 http://barrenness.typepad.com/barrenness/2007/01/what_to_say_to_.html Cath it sounds like you have a nice understanding boss. When is your EC hun? Big hug everyone 

/links


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Brilliant reading thanks Bear Hug. I've had them all too, and now know it's quite normal to feel offended!
X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

thanx bearhug, I'll have a look now xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

Aaargh damn my stupid fone! the pages are too big for me to view properly!! thanx anyway bearhug 

 Joanne xxx


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## sleepypenguin (Jan 1, 2009)

Hi girls

Those of you worried about not drinking I was very concious of this during our tx as we had several family dos and I was always one for having a few drinks but amazingly no one noticed I wasn't drinking. 

Good luck everyone and I hope you have a fabulous start to 2011.

x


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## natalie.h (Dec 22, 2009)

Hi there

Just been reading your posts, and im on my third isci treatment and my 2ww is from the 11th december.  Feel exactly the same regarding the xmas dos etc,  think i will just pretend theres a vodka in my diet coke lol. 
Feel very anxious about our next treatment, i have told my family and my close friends as they were great support last two times. 

Natalie xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Natalie

I think we will be on 2ww at same time, as well as Bear hug so we will have to keep in touch. I too feel very anxious which is why I started this post I guess. Wondering whether I am doing the right thing so soon after my operation but if the consultant thinks I'm okay to start then that's good enough for us. When do you start down regging? Best wishes and best of luck XX

Hi Sleepy Penguin (great name!), I am probably being over-paranoid - people probably aren't that bothered are they! It's the smaller more intimate get togethers with friends I suppose I'm more concerned about. I notoriously get a mouthful of ulcers every December (must be my body telling me it's end of year and I'm worn out haha) so that's another excuse I could use not to fancy alcohol. 
How was your tx then, did you have success?

How are you Bear Hug and Joanne, having a good first week of clocks going back?? 

Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies! That's great there are a few of us cycling together, be great to keep in touch, I start D/R on Monday. Enjoying a few nights out this week before being super super good. I'm on my phone at the moment so just sending you all a quick hello and a hug, catch up with you soon. Night night girlies x


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

no!!!!!!!! i wrote a long reply and my bloody fone ate it!!!!!!!!!! stupid stupid thing!!!!!!!!!! 

hope everyone is well, haven't been on for a few days as its a bit difficult on my fone.....stupid thing.... but wanted to say hi to sleepy Penguin and Natalie! and Im so jealous of you ladies who are cycling together, i wish it was my turn, but on the plus side you can give me lots of advice! 

Joanne xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

frothy- Im good thanx, think the darker nights are making me more sleepy, i just want to stay all cosy Im my bed lol xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Know just what you mean Joanne, I seem to have lost all energy this week, it always takes a while to get used to it - roll on light nights again! 
Well I hope you stay on to give us all words of positive encouragement and we shall do the same for you! Scary to think I start down-regging on Saturday, trying not to think about things too much. Luckily work keeps me busy and I'm just taking 5 mins out to reply to this! 
Hope other than the start of the dark nights everyone keeping well. Out for fireworks tomorrow anyone? 
By the way whereabouts do you all come from? I'm in the north east.
Take care
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Hi. I am going to be on 2ww over xmas. Start dr next Thursday. Think it will be tough having the wait over xmas but at least if it doesn't work can get drunk over new year, put it behind me and be ready to start again with the new year! Last time I only really told 1 friend, not my closest friend actually but someone who is easy to chat with and who I saw regularly once a week so was easy to update her, she also didn't know my other friends so was good person to talk to. I told my family what was happening did not give them any dates, so that way I could have a few days to come to terms with each development before talking about it and was never asked about specifics because no-one knew about them. This time around I am doing the same thing, I am happy telling people we are doing IVF but just say it is a long process, and everything happens so slowly etc whenever they ask something about it and will only tell them details after have come to terms with result myself. I think everyone different though. If you don't tell people it means that you have to go through the roller coaster of emotions without a confidante except your partner and other people will not understand why you are not being yourself, however I felt that was better than having them know I was expecting some result or other. Most of my friends have not been through what we have and it feels like we are a million miles away from them in terms of where we are in our life because we are 26, have travelled around the world together, bought a house, got married, got stable jobs, gone through cancer, had to deal with the idea of the resulting infertility, had a baby and now going through ICSI again to try to make our family complete. Most of my friends still just getting started in their first jobs after Uni. For this reason they don't find it easy to relate just cuz they are out of phase with us. Over the past couple years this has started to slowly change as they begin to move on from student life but places like this I think give far more support because people understand. Anyway I am on Nov/Dec cycles but that board is so busy think if all your dates very similar to mine then might join this thread too if that ok? I am really excited about starting dr now. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly! Welcome to our chats! Your thread made perfect sense to me, I am being a bit vague this time, can't do with all the updates and giving dates etc and funnily enough since chatting to you all last week am so much more laid back about it all and not worrying what people will think if i'm not boozing over christmas. 

Wow what a time you have been through in your 26 years - how old is your baby and was he/she an ICSI success too? Sorry to hear of the cancer, that's really harsh. Sounds like you have a fabulous husband though and that you go through the rollercoasters together. I swear I sometimes feel like we have had a bad deal of cards with one thing and another and that other people seem to sail through life without so much as a knock but I know that's not true and I quickly give myself a talking to. I agree with you about people not understanding though and I have probably been one of those people myself in the past to be fair. I had friends who had children when we were still only 18/19 and at the time that just seemed to be soooo far off my radar and the same with marriage. In hindsight maybe my friends didn't feel I 'got it'. Ho hum. 

ANYWAY! Great to hear you are all geared up and excited for your down regging a week today!! Here's to hot flushes galore!Frothy X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hi Polly! welcome to the thread! Im looking forward to sharing all of our experiences along our journey, where about are you? Im in the north east, Newcastle to be exact! 

frothy-of course i will stay on, I'll be following your story all the way! 

as for tomorrow, Hubby is working til 8, so no fireworks for us  I'll probably just watch everyone else's from the window, along with Boo and Radley-the cats, who aren't bothered, and don't go outside so don't worry! lol iny about you? 

Joanne xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Joanne

You're not far from us at all then, we're near Middlesbrough! Think we'll go to a display tonight and then veg out with a chinese - (get my naughty food fix before tomorrow   Our cat Parsnip isn't too bothered by them either, although his ears just go back in surprise when he hears a loud bang. 

have a good day and an even better weekend
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Yes, Isla is an ICSI baby. Very lucky to have her. She is nearly 11 months. Yes, I did feel like we were dealt a bad hand at toughest times with the cancer but don't feel like that now because he has been in remission 2 years and we all very happy in our little family. My husband and I first became boyfriend and girlfriend at 14 and been going out consistently since 17 so we basically inseparable now, we grown together through going through the hard times and I think process of IVF makes you so grateful when you finally get that pregnant on the test. Other people who just get pregnant take it for granted but for me it was amazing and meant I felt close to my daughter even from that moment. Read A Thousand Splendid Suns a month ago and thought it fantastic book and made me feel so lucky, cuz some people have to go through such horrific things. Always good to get perspective. Glad u feeling more laid back about process and not worrying so much about what other people think.
Joanne - London. I did my degree at York and PGCE and MA at Durham though so spent quite a bit of time in North East and love the shopping in Newcastle. Trying to figure out if any fireworks near here tonight. My husband never home before 8 cuz he works in the city but might give the baby a late night and go in search of fireworks. On the other hand the weather looks rubbish and already got caught in the rain once today so we'll see. Am out for meal with friends tomorrow night in central London so maybe we go in search of fireworks afterwards. Sure just by being in central London will be hard to miss seeing some tomorrow! We have cats too and they bit scaredy cats but lock them in at night anyway. Last year one of them hid in a shed and got locked in but luckily found her cuz everytime we called she mewed so followed the noises! x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly 

Isla, what a gorgeous name. Is that book the follow up to The Kite Runner? Or maybe not a follow up, just by same author? If I've got the right name I've had it in my bedroom book box for ages and ages and can't bring myself to read it still because I bawled my eyes out at the Kite Runner and was so humbled by it all and just need to read it when I'm not an emotional wreck,. Really does put things into perspective, realise how lucky we all actually are, you can't imagine living in those circumstances and with that fear. Anyway that's not very bright for a Friday afternoon is it! 

Have felt really sicky and a bit anxious all day - maybe subconsciously the thought of starting again tomorrow, although overall I'm excited and not really given it too much thought. 

Enjoy your meal out tomorrow night
Frothy X


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## ejg123 (Nov 1, 2009)

Evening ladies
Can i join your thread please. I am about to start icsi in dec/jan,we were unable to start before because our hospital
is closing down for 2 months for refub.
I am having the same problem not sure who to tell this time, last cycle we told a few family and friends and they were
like why are you trying again and putting yourself through this when you already have twins (icsi 2004).
So this is why i joined ff so i can chat and have support,from these threads.
Good luck to all you ladies having tx,hopefully it will be me soon as well!  
emma xx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Thanks. By Khaled Hosseini. Yes, same author. Is actually a very uplifting book though. I always feel anxious at the beginning of a new thing even if I am really looking forward to it, think it is very natural. Hope it all goes well today, and yes, is very exciting to be getting started now.
Emma - is annoying about your hospital closing down. Are your twins 5 now then? You going to have 1 or 2 embies put back? You could end up with 2 sets of twins! You should do what feels right to you, and if you want more children then don't let other people put you off. x


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## hennups (Jun 12, 2009)

Hi! Saw this post and thought I'd reply as we're about to start out first ICSI cycle after 3 years of trying. Nearly everyone knows about us as we both have big mouths and I just can't NOT tell people when I'm going thru something like this! Christmas is the non-drinking bit for us too - start downregs a week Monday and EC/ET scheduled for w/c 13rd december. Very exciting and I'm quite happy to be the designated driver. It'll be good practise for 9 months of no drinking. 

I kinda wish I hadn't told so many people because when I go back to work afte the hols they'll all be asking - think I'll text someone who'll let everyone know if we aren't successful. But of course we will be, I'm sure!!!!!! positive thoughts!!!!!

So good luck to everyone
xx


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## jess1234 (Oct 18, 2010)

I am new to here  but i think i will also be with you on the 2ww over Christmas,  so good luck to all      I am about to start down regging for my 4th IVF try next weekend.  I was in exactly the same position last year, i had eg at start of December and my test day was Christmas day !!!  i was amazed to see BFP but it turned out to be a chem and i got af new years eve       I did go out to a cocktail bar in between but i told people i was a bit short of money and did they mind if i didn't go into rounds.  i then just brough my own and i got non alcoholic cocktails, no one noticed !!!!!    i did confess after thou.


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Hennups - Good luck on your first cycle. What stimming drugs you taking? Think it good idea to get someone to pass on the news if negative. I know it sounds strange but I prefer to be pessimistic about each cycle because then feels like less at stake so go into it trying to remind myself may not work because after it working last time keep hoping will go that way this time too even tho odds are against. Plus I know that even if it took us 10 years we would keep going so trust we will get positive sometime even if not this time.
Jess - Sorry to hear about your chem pregnancy. I didn't know how common they were until I looked at the statistics when I got positive test result last time then was so scared until I got to scan. Hope you have more luck this time round. Must have been tough testing on xmas day too. Think my test day will be couple days after xmas but have not received schedule. Will give clinic a call tomorrow if still not received in post because want to get dates in my head even tho know can change.
Great having few of us on such similar dates. x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

btw Hennups... if you breastfeed is even longer so definitely good practice! Trying to persuade dh not drink during cycle in sympathy (although I wouldn't have really followed this thru, wanted to see his reaction) but he was not having it! Think men are so lucky not to have to go thru it all.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Well I'm sorry to be a misery guts on a bright Sunday morning but wasn't sure where else to turn, feeling totally and completely rubbish, weepy, prickly and confidence at an all time low. I'm only on day 2 of down reg and last time I breezed through the whole process with nothing more than a flush in my cheeks but feel so low and weepy, don't know why. Had a night in with the girls last night, one of my closest friends is 6 months pregnant so there was lots of baby talk  and we had a look at the nursery etc and I just felt totally shaky and then another friend who is usually the funniest of the group of us was coming out with stuff that I just found really quite offensive (like losing a pet is worse than losing a family member - I lost my dad at 19) - I know she was referring to these family members you never see or don't think that much of but I just totally lost my sense of humour last night and was really prickly and serious! I really hope this isn't the sign of things to come over the next few weeks. Haven't told my friends again, just have this silly private side to me that doesn't want to be giving people updates and don't want to be talked about and don't want the sympathy off people. Was talkign to partner this morning (or rather crying!) about it and he thinks I should tell them and get it out in the open, just not sure what to do. Having one of those horrible hormonal days where I don't know what to do, feel restless and could just slob but don't want to be indoors all day, want to see people but don't, feel like talking but don't. Feel a complete mess!! 

Sorry to put it all down here, definitely need pepping up and I'm relying on you girls!! 

Welcome Hennups and Jess - Hennups I promise you your first cycle won't be all doom & gloom, I'm just having one of those days. Jess - 4th try - wow you go girl!! Best wishes to you both

Frothy X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

Aw frothy, don't worry about it, that's what we are here for! i think your partner is right though, it sounds as if you're struggling (sorry if thats not the right word Im looking for!) to cope with keeping all your emotions inside, sometimes it really does help to talk about these things, and Im sure if they knew what you are going through at the moment they wouldn't have been as insensitive. Im not blaming them, obviously if they don't know they don't know, but having said that, would they have altered their behaviour towards, say, excluding you from the night, or feeling like they couldn't talk about certain stuff in front of you? just a thought hun

hope you feel better soon, 

Joanne xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hiya Mrsjc, funnily enough just been reading another one of your posts in the 'before treatment' section about telling friends - it made a lot of sense! Thanks for your lovely reply, made me cry again though, seriously I need to give myself a shake up and a talking to today! Don't know what to do about telling the girls. We are all usually so open, hearts on sleeves and all that. It's just when you have days where you would cry if you talked about things I don't want to be asked. Maybe that email that bearhug sent us would help. Don't think today is a day for making decisions though cos once it's out it's out. 

Anyway how are you, you been up to much this weekend and have you decided whether you're telling people?

Frothy X


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## hennups (Jun 12, 2009)

Hi Frothy - sorry to hear your cycle is not going well. I was a nightmare just on clomid - savage hot flushes! So am dreading what my body will do on these drugs!! 

Polly - I am on Buserilin and Menopur. Got our injection training on Wednesday but I'm convinced they've got my dates wrong unless it doesn't matter. 

Last pill is on Friday 12th but they've written down on my protocol that last pill is Monday 15th and to start injecting on Tues 16th. Do you think it matters that there is 4 days before I start injecting. I'm gonna call the clinic tomorrow but be good to know if anyone else had a gap or should it be the day after last pill to start injecting?

Anyway, nice to meet you all


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy -   I think it is natural to feel like that some days. It is just tough for you that usually on those days your friends are there to support you but at the moment they can't be so instead being with them is more isolating than comforting. It is entirely up to you whether you tell them, obviously that would mean that you had more shared understanding, however, they still would not really know what you were going through because they are not going through it themselves and as Joanne says they may go the other way and try to be too considerate, or they may judge it right and be a real comfort, or they may still forget and be inconsiderate and that would probably make you feel worse if you knew they knew. I don't know your friends and how likely they are to judge it right and be supportive, or which you would feel better with because if you do feel you want someone to talk to then it is almost certainly worth taking the risk and telling your closest friends and it sounds like you might. I think either way IVF is a really hard thing to be going through and you are bound to need a hug some days. Also, IVF is a roller coaster and with the lows come the highs of knowing you could be pregnant before very long, so I am sure you will feel a lot better tomorrow or before very long.  

Hennups - I am starting d/r the day before I finish the pill, so who knows?! They said that is fine, it is just the way they do things. I think you should definitely ask about those dates though, because I would have thought that leaving 4 days there might be a chance that your body starts to try to ovulate because there is more time for you to start a new normal cycle and that might affect d/r. Of course I am no expert though, and so long as you have pointed out to them that they have given conflicting dates and what do they want then sure it is fine to go with whatever they say. Hope u manage to get it sorted tomorrow. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello girlies! Sorry I've not been on the last few days, I've been enjoying my last few days of being able to drink and be merry! I start my sniffs tomorrow, booo, I get a bit down on the DR. It's great that there are a few of us going through this cycle together, we can give each other a bit of support while the xmas parties are going on. The cycling boards get so busy I find it hard to keep up so it's going to be nice being on this thread and getting to know you a bit more personally.

Frothy - Oh hun    I get like that too. It's really weird, specially on dark cold winter nights, when I'm D/R I just feel like curling up in bed and get more tearful about all the bumps and babies around me. i know exactly how you feel hun, it's rubush and so unfair   . I'm actually avoiding nearly all my friends at the moment because I don't want to be around baby conversations, they really stress me out and I want to be relaxed going into this cycle. The doctor told me that stress is the biggest thing to avoid.

Joanne -don't worry that you are just after xmas, we're all going through it at different times hun.

Polly - hiya! I agree with you, "Think it will be tough having the wait over xmas but at least if it doesn't work can get drunk over new year, put it behind me and be ready to start again with the new year!" I've been planning my New Year Eve big night out already just in case  . Got to buy a fancy dress outfit.

I read that "A thousand splendid suns! but had to put it down it was so sad, the last thing I remember is the man making that poor girl chew stones off the floor and I imagined how that would feel and I had to stop reading, I'm a big softy!

Hennups - I haven't told my work actually, lots of friends and family know but I haven't wanted people at work to know for some reason. Are they being supportive?

Jess - what a good idea saying you're drinking non alcoholic cocktails! I might try that one, that's quite an easy one not to get into rounds for isn't it. What happens with a chemnical pregnancy? I've heard of them but I'm a bit confused about what it means. I've had bold BFNs in the past.

Emma - that's a long time for a clinic to shut down! Are you at Woking by any chance? I heard that was closed. Are you doing a fresh cyce or do you have some frosties?

Hi to everyone else! I hope I haven't missed anyone out.

Big hug, night night x


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

evening ladies, what a flippin day! spent most of it in a strop at the Hubster, or being snapped at-he started it, and it was all over the housework lol- but on the plus side most of the house got totally gutted ha! 

frothy-glad to be of help, and glad oy post made some sense to someone, i feel like Im rambling sometimes lol i still haven't told anyone yet, Ive come close to though, but when someone asks of outright if i want kids or am i going to have them Im just so used to shooting straight back with 'i don't know', or 'not yet' i almost don't have to think about it... 

a big 'hi' to everyone, especially those who mentioned me personally-sorry i can't return the favour, it takes soo long to look back on the different posts, i forget what Im writing before i get to the message box!!! 

Joanne xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

How's everyone today? Have you and hubby made up Joanne? Drive you mad sometimes don't they - housework is the only thing really that my partner and I row about! I nearly kicked off last night cos he had his head in the ipod for too long but decided to slope upstairs and write in my journal instead which I have found a godsend at times - it's just a little something I picked up at Paperchase after our last cycle as I wished I had written stuff down as it's so easy to forget things. So there are a few expletives in my journal instead of fired at him! Feeling a bit better today though, not had any tears or tantrums yet so that's a good start  

That's what I feel like doing Bearhug, just avoiding baby situations at the moment. Are your friends aware of your situation or are you just coming out with good excuses to not be able to meet up? Yes it's very stressful. Are you all set for starting your down reg - what is it you sniff? Mine is injections so just wondered what the difference is? Hope you are feeling okay. 

Speak again soon, in the meantime have a happy Monday (as happy as Mondays can go....)
Frothy X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

OMG frothy that is so weird, i was just thinking of starting a journal yesterday, Ive never written anything like that before or even kept a diary but i just want to put everything on paper, so that in years to come i will be able to look back and say 'this is how much we wanted you' to our kid\s (fingers crossed!) x it just feels like something i have to do, if you know what i mean?

and yeah we made up, we can never stay in a strop for long, especially with the two tearaways (Boo and Radley) ening something ridiculous every 5 minutes!

hope you are all ok this evening! 

Joanne xxx


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## hennups (Jun 12, 2009)

Hiya!

I told people at work because we're quite a close-knit team - I'm a teacher in a primary school! Also I've just got too big-a-mouth to cope with not telling people! They are all incredibly supportive and know when and when not to ask!

Also, my job means I don't get 'annual leave' so couldn't put being away down to that and scans etc are always during lesson time so it was just easier to tell people and then they understand my moods, feelings etc and are more understanding in certain circumstances!

So difficult though isn't it?!!!


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hiya hennups! Im a bit like that too, Im just going to take each day as it comes and hopefully when i start writing things down it will help me sort things out in my mind a bit easier

Joanne xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Joanne

Would definitely recommend doing the journal - has kept me sane during some very low and painful times. Am a bit silly really, only really turn to it when having wobbles so look completely unstable! Never write in it when I'm having a ball! 
I wished I had kept one during our first cycle last year so am now trying to log dates and doses and feelings etc.

Hennups, must be difficult for you at school, mind you must keep you nice and busy enough to keep your mind off things at times!

I can see me retiring to bed in about half an hour or man will start the iPhone argument that I started last night hehe.

Night all
Frothy x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Hope first day d/r going ok so far, and hopefully this time won't get u down so much.

Joanne - Since baby my husband and I gone traditional cuz I at home but still manage to have enough arguments, cuz I tend to think something must be wrong if have not argued for a while cuz clearly avoiding issues or something so try and find the issue  He obviously doesn't like this but then left to him he would avoid any issues forever, so think it kinda works for us. Agree, I just write when I need to and save as word files tho not proper journal. Did this thru the cancer and last ICSI and various points in last few years but times feel the need to do that are when feel need to get things off my chest so are generally when low. Think that is natural because easier talking to people about positives because that is what people expect of you. It is like when people ask "How are you?" "Are you ok?" "Are you sure you will be alright?" They don't really make it easy for you to tell them no, or want you to, or that is what I often feel.

Frothy - I was always hated seeing pregnant women when knew I wanted to be. Knowing that route for us not so simple been desperate to have another baby since Isla 8 weeks, is frustrating when other people just fall pregnant or talk about planning when they have another baby. Still, I know I am lucky and in a different situation than the 1st time round. Think journal a great idea.

Hennups - I was a primary teacher too but could schedule scans for any time from 7:10am so could still get into school on time luckily and called in sick for EC. ET was not on school day. I didn't tell them but think I could not have kept that up if had to do too many cycles, however I think they would not have let me go if I had told them because it is against their religious beliefs (I taught in a religious school) and they had no legal obligation to give me the time off. 

Talk soon. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies! I haven't kept a journal during previous cycles, I do think it's a good idea to get it all out on paper rather than letting it go round and round in our heads. I bought a little notebook and wrote down all the good things in my life to try and get over my last BFN. It wasn't really a journal as I just made some bullet piints and I kept looking at them to remind myself of the good things when I was in tears.  . Polly I think it's so true that people feel a bit awkward if your really tell them how you feel, it's a funny habit we've got of asking people how they are and then being surprised if they say anything other than OK!

First couple of days of D/R are going ok, I am doing Buserilin instead of Synarel and it's not irritating my nose this time. Frothy they offered injections or sniffs to down regulate and i asked for the sniffs, I have to do them 4 times a day.

Well I've told my friends we're going through this and I've just said I'm feeling sensitive to bumps and babies so I am going to avoid being around them for the next couple of months. They've been really understanding. I do feel like I'm missing out but then again I'm missing out either way as I'm get missed out of baby conversations when I do see them since I haven't got one. Hope that makes sense!

Night night girlies, eastenders is calling me 
 x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Think it sensible what you've told your friends and good they are being understanding. Just wondering what happens on a FET cycle?


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

In a FET cycle you have to do the Down regulation bit as normal to switch off the body's hormones, then you have to start taking Oestrogen and Progestorone in a similay way to IVF/ICSI cycle but the Oestrogen doses aren't as strong and you don't have to do the trigger injection to ovulate.  They then scan to check the lining and put a thawed embryo back in when the lining is looking good. 

It's funny to think I've got two little Day5 embryos already created and are sitting somewhere waiting on ice.  Aaaa

xxx


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## natalie.h (Dec 22, 2009)

Hi Frothy

I start dr tomorrow, feel nervous already as i hate needles. even though this is my third time, still cant stand needles.  So yes we will be on two week wait around the same time, how are you feeling? 

How is everyone else feeling? 

Natalie xx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

That's very honest of you Bearhug, so lovely your friends are being so supportive. I am swaying towards the idea of telling them and doing something similar. My work colleague who I share an office with knows and can't believe i haven't told my best friends. I've tried to explain it's not a cloak & dagger thing, it's protection for myself during a shaky time. Anyway....thanks for explaining re sniffs. We didn't have to down reg on our FET (at least I don't think we did), just had to have the big HCG injection so it's obviously different to your clinic's process.  Best of luck, really hope this is your time! 

Natalie, am doing loads better thanks, pleased to say I am back on the up and have had a good week so far. Have started with the hot flushes (quite nice having a toasty feeling in this cold weather  ) and have been corrected by a few people when I've said something wrong or repeated myself - this happened to me last time, was sending emails that didn't make much sense and talking about wrong things but just laugh it off and pretend I'm having a dizzy day. Other than that all good thanks. Have you done today's jab yet and how did you get on? We tend to do our buserilin at 8am but some people do them in an evening. Hope all okay anyway. 

Have a good day everyone
Frothy X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

morning everyone, how is everyone today? Im snuggled up in front of Jezza Kyle...not going out in that wind today! 

frothy- i told a couple of people at work, ones i know can keep a secret. feel like a bit of weight has been lifted, and like Ive got a couple of people 'on side' for when tx starts, so i can sound off, and they can rescue me if its a particularly difficult day! 

what has everyone got planned for the weekend then? somehow we've managed to invite the in laws around for Sunday lunch.....Im stressed already lol!

Joanne xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Yes, must be a weird feeling knowing you have babies there waiting on ice. How many embies do they thaw out for each FET cycle and does being frozen embies affect chances of success if survive the thaw? Hope everything going well for u. x
Natalie - Hope d/r going well and u getting over needle phobia. It is the taking bloods which I hate cuz often takes quite a few people a few attempts with me. Try to drink lots of water beforehand but just seems to be chance if they get it easy or not. I have started d/r. Done 2 injections for that now and it really not bad cuz needle very fine so doing in my tummy.
Frothy - You lucky to only have 1 injection. That way u don't have to think about it every day. Is that just for FET or new IVF cycle? We were also told to do jab in mornings. Better get it out the way anyway I think. Glad u taking the hot flushes in such positive way. Guess it isn't so bad in this weather. I am only 2 days in so not got any symptoms yet, but have to do this for 3 weeks so sure will by the end.
Joanne - We doing fine. Last day of noisy work with builders in flat downstairs (been going on all week and upsetting baby specially when wakes her up from a nap) so will be glad when that done. Went to story telling this morning at museum and Jehovah's witness trying to corner me again, they keep coming to us cuz my husband said something positive but I am the one always in. They so nice very difficult to tell them not to come back. Now started d/r actually want to talk to people less because outcome seems closer and don't want have to deal with each step with people knowing so trying to avoid subject when people ask (which they do a lot, "when you going to have another?"). Was explaining in vague way, now gone to being dismissive. I find in-laws stressful too, but luckily ours all 3-4 hours away and other side of London so don't come very much. I am going back in week time though, so will have to try and divide my time between everyone which is always a bit of a minefield (mine and dh's parents live in same place but mine split up). Hope it goes ok on Sunday and isn't as stressful as you anticipating. DH has exams in 2 weeks so basically on my own all time at mo cuz when he not at work he revising, so at weekend think might do a bit of shopping, and see a couple friends, might go and see xmas lights but bit worried will be absolutely crazy. Maybe better when not on weekend.
Hope everyone else well and getting on ok with d/r. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

So many posts on this thread kind of getting muddled so will apologise now if I get anything mixed up. How is everyone today anyway? 

Joanne we must have had a moment of rationale this week as I have also told my closest friends. Found it easier to put it on email and sent those links Bearhug told us about - lovely supportive messages back and it gets me off the hook for anything I don't feel like doing in the coming weeks (there is a baby shower I was kind of dreading but it's off my radar now).

Polly I think in answer to your question about FET, I think the chances are that bit lower than with a fresh BUT they wouldn't do it if it didn't work for people - we were lucky enough to get a freeze with our first cycle- they all defrosted beautifully but just wasn't to be and that's what led to my 2nd op this July where I had my left tube removed. PLEASE be okay for this time - which is a fresh by the way. I'm only on one injection per day for the down regging part then on to two per day - one in the mornign and one at night. We try not to mess about, just stick it in (scuse the pun) and no prodding of the skin a few times before, just jab it in then it's done. 

Natalie, how you getting on? You stick in there love!

Well don't knwo what is wrong with me this week, I am meant to be down-regging and taking things easy but have been absolutely hyper, out partying (no booze!) last night til late and have just tackled a clear out of the office from top to bottom. Think I may just collapse tonight - and need to give myself a talking to so I just slow it down. 

Happy weekending all 
Frothy XX


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies! Just a quick hello from me as i'm on my mobile and on the motorway (DH driving), off for a family weekend away as not everyone can get together at Xmas. Everyone sounds like they're well at the moment which is near. Big hug girlies! Have a nice weekend xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Thanks for the info. Know FET does work for a lot of people, we didn't do last time cuz couldn't, but think even if affects success rate slightly so worth it cuz don't have to go thru the EC and stress around that (plus cost). Sure won't happen same way again, you very unlucky for that happen at all. Think u definitely should take it easy if u feel that way. You need to relax and take some time to yourself be in a good state of mind for stimming, but saying that, sure going out now and again won't do any harm and also good to take your mind off things and have some fun. Glad u had such a positive response to telling people about IVF and sounds like you happy with your decision.
Bearhug - Enjoy your weekend! x


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## natalie.h (Dec 22, 2009)

Hi all,

Getting on ok with the injections thankyou, although i do suffer with horrible headaches.  Just trying to drink plently of water. 

do any of you have acupunture through your treatment? 

xx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Natalie - I am not, but heard positive things about acupuncture from other people. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Well I wrote a reply yesterday but then lost it somehow and then got caught up with other stuff and didn't get chance to re-type. There are quite a few people on the threads so apologies if I miss anyone out or get muddled up. 

How was your weekend away seeing family Bearhug, did it do you good and how are things going for you? 
Natalie, sorry to hear about your headaches, you stick in there. Yes have heard water is a good one, just gets a bit boring doesn't it! 
Thanks Polly, yes I do feel better for telling them.  

I was bright as a button yesterday but feel wrung out and hung out to dry today. Came on overnight and just spent most of the night rolling around in pain, was even sat in the bathroom in the middle of the night thinking they can rip it all out, I've had enough of having this constant pain down my left hand side where this corpus luteum is still there and then on top of that killer period pains, really feeling sick of it all. Guess I've just got to take the consultant's word for it that I am okay to start treamtnent again but something just isn't right down there I'm sure of it. So, looking fit today girls! Grey, spotty and sunken eyed with searing pains again so feeling really fed up and totally not positive at all. Sorry you will think I only log on here to moan, it's not like that honestly, I had written a very upbeat message yesterday I promise!! Guess this is the kind of thing I don't really share with my friends, as they just don't get it. Need some PMA from you all please!! 

Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy -   Sorry you have had such an awful night and not feeling good today either. You probably are fine to start if the doctor says so, but on the other hand, they see it from a medical 'will it work' point of view and won't really understand the pain you going through. I have heard from other people that their d/r AF has been a killer and much worse than normal so maybe is that but of course is worse for you because of your biology. I have actually got mine already only a few days into d/r which bit strange, but then I was on pill and came off for d/r and would normally get it day 3 off pill so must just not have been affected by d/r and seems same as always. Though as I said, am on Nov/Dec thread and so many people on there and quite a few had bad period pains and very heavy bleeding. Still, not much consolation to you when you feeling that way. Can you take pain killers for it or does that not help? Take it easy and hope u feel better soon. If is period related can't last too long, just gotta get thru it. And it is all worth it if it gets you your baby (or two)!   It doesn't last long and really hope u feel bit better tomorrow.   x
AFM Doing ok. Feel thirsty all the time on d/r and tireder than normal. Also emotional but think I would be anyway and that could be what making me more tired too! Builders drove me absolutely crazy at weekend. Had complete melt down Saturday cuz thought weekend would be couple days off where the baby didn't get woken constantly from naps and be tired and moody all day cuz no sleep, then constant banging and drilling and just got so angry which silly cuz neighbours have a right to put in bathroom. Just had been looking forward to weekend all week as bit of respite cuz been such a hard week for me cuz of the builders. They even came all day Sunday (what kind of builders are they?!) but luckily not so noisy so baby could get most of her long nap without being woken which made my afternoon so much easier. Back this week but think I used up all my angry energy at the weekend! Got AF on Sunday night but is fine. Had to pay to get another Gonal F pen delivered, and paying £30 delivery for the hospital mistake of them not ordering enough in the first place which seems a bit ridiculous as haven't even started yet so they had no excuse at all. Baby getting so close to walking is exciting! DH constantly studying now, only takes breaks to eat and sleep (when he crawls into bed at 2 or 3am) so just me and baby at the moment. Liking the cold with sunshine much better than all the rain last week! Feeling like xmas is getting close now and feeling excited about that. Going back to hometown on Friday for a week which I am looking forward to (to get out the way of dh and his study cuz has exams on Tuesday, Weds and Thurs). Maybe leave baby with grandparents and do some xmas shopping!


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies.  Not a good day for us today hey girlies.  I've been a bit neurotic these last few days, feel like I'm getting wound up about stupid things that I would normally brush off.  I'm currently annoyed as I got back late yesterday from family weekend away and now have to go away woth work tomorrow till sunday and have got no clean clothes at all to wear and I'm hoping some will dry out a bit by 6am tomorrow before I have to pack. Wish i didn't have to work away tomorrow, don't feel like socialising with work. Just haven't had time to stop lately. Being away last weekend was nice though, even though I did get wound up abut daft things no-one knew apart from DH.  Means i won't be able to catch up with you girlies till next week as I'll be abroad. I hope you guys are feeling a bit better,  this DR is rubbish isn't it! Soon we'll be on the next stage though, not long til our ET dates, yeay!!!

Big hugs xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Hope your clothes dry in time and enjoy your time abroad. Sure you will enjoy the socialising when you get there. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls, sorry not been in touch for a couple of days, hardly been near a pc for any length of time so just not had chance. Ohhh Polly, Bearhug, we are not having a nice time of it are we!! Hope you are both having an okay day today, it can really wear you down can't it. 

Polly thanks for your advice, yes I got through Tuesday, cancelled my dance class that I usually love so I could lie on settee with Heat mag and chocolate and blanket and it's just what I needed. Felt okay to tackle rest of the week, although still feel a bit mental to be honest with you. Rang the hospital for some advice on pain relief and some reassurance and they said they'll need to do a scan on me anyway so they'll see what comes up during my baseline scan and bloods which is booked in for next Weds. Wish me luck!! 

Bearhug you sound like me, always racing about at 100mph, we aren't Wonder Women though so hope you are somehow managing some time to yourself. Polly how are those annoying builders - arrrggghh I feel your pain! WHY is it weekends and early mornings people do these things?? how is little Isla, are you coping with everything okay? 

Well what a joke today, I have been asked to conduct a formal investigation on a staff member relating to a grievance - are they having a laugh I can barely recall what I had for breakfast this morning or string a sensible and proper sentence togeter without being muddled at the moment, haha I'll do my best but god knows what the notes will say!! 

Keep in touch everyone, and wishing you all the best
Frothy X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hi everyone, how are we feeling today? haven't been on much this week at all, i usually have a look to see how everyone is doing when Im on the bus home from work but my fingers have been too frozen to do so over the past few days! must be the week for AF as she arrived at my doorstep last night! got a question about that actually, the consultant at Cfl said to drop in for a blood test (something to do with my eggs, how many there are i think) on day 2, 3, 4, or 5 of my cycle at some point before our appointment in January. i couldn't get there today (and would it have really been day 2 anyway, AF came late last night) and probably wouldn't be able to make it on Monday or Tuesday either- i have another unrelated hospital appointment on Wednesday that Ive already asked for (Grrr) Anyway, i just wanted to know if this is crucial to have it done by our January appointment, Mp is it something that can be done nearer our treatment?! next AF will be due just after Xmas

Joanne xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

Ooops forgot to say, does anyone know if i would be able to get it done between Xmas and new year? thanx ladies 

Joanne xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Builders quietened down on Wednesday and went to my parents today. Feeling quite positive and happy now. Also feel very lucky to have a baby and feel more calm with process now. Think have adjusted more to d/r drugs, seem to be affecting me less than when first started. Was dh birthday Thursday and baked him a cake and haven't baked in ages and really enjoyed it! Also makes me realise how grateful I am to have him, and for us to have shared so much together and be so close - definitely feel like everything we have been through together has made us so much closer. Isla nightmare on 3 hour journey to my parents but she has cough and cold so think it understandable and can't comfort when I am driving. Exactly what I was doing Monday - Heat mag, chocolate and dressing gown tho instead of blanket! Definitely helps de-stress! Good luck with baseline and bloods. Hope they give u something for pain if it continues. Formal investigation sounds difficult. Hope it goes ok. x
Joanne - Invest in a good pair of gloves... they have lots of really nice ones in accessorize at the moment that are those mitten gloves, that you can fold the mitten part back to leave fingerless gloves so you can still type and then put it back over when u r done. Definitely has been cold lately. Winter seems to have come much earlier this year. If you already know you are doing IVF then they will only be using your bloods to work out your dosage of drugs for stimulation so should be fine next month as long as you have them before any treatment starts (once d/r starts it affects your hormones so must be before this). You know you can get those bloods done from your GP for free though if you ask. They can usually do blood tests before or after work if you work 9-5 so that might be more convenient for you? You should not have a problem getting them done between xmas and new year so long as not bank holidays or weekend when they run less services, you could certainly get them done thru your GP during this time. Hope this helps. x


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

thanx Polly! i have two pairs of fingerless gloves, Im just too much of a wuss to year them hahahaha either Im getting soft(er!) or its definitely colder this year! i will try and work out my dates and see where to go from there, my cycle can last anywhere between 28 and 36 days so it can be a bit of a lottery lol 

hope Isla is feeling better soon

Joanne xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls!

How is everyone today? Not logged on over the weekend and just taking 5 mins out to say hi, how is everyone? Polly are you still keeping bright? I love the sound of these foldback fingerless gloves, I mean I was there first time round in the 80's but didn't know about these mitten type ones, I'm off to Accesorize!! Tried to do a bit of shopping over weekend for Christmas but came back with nothing!! It was really rainy and miserable and just didn't have the pzazz to get stuck in. How's everyone else getting on in preparation for Christmas? Kind of can't think about it, know there is so much going on mentally beforehand.
Luckily am feeling much brighter, have been a bit headachey and tired but think last week's emotions were most definitely period-related and am happy to say I feel back on the up. Trying not to give things too much thought really, and work keeping me busy enough to not spend time thinking about the 'what ifs'.

Was out for Sunday lunch yesterday with partner and a group of his family friends.  Was asked 'are you going in for a family then at some point' and just did the sweet smiling that we will all be so used to but actually felt like jumping down her throat. You would think things like that would be a bit more sensitive given that two of the family friends could not have family of their own and have both had to adopt (they are sisters but both with different reasons for infertility, difficult times for them both though). Just fed up of it sometimes. But hopefully not for much longer!!! (let's wait and see)
Anyway hope everyone doing okay, good luck with AF not messing you around too much Joanne, I'm the same and can be anything from 28 to 35 days so know juwst how you feel. 
bye for now
Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello girlies!! I'm back and feeling excited about apprentice tonight!! Getting a takeaway and watching it with friends.

Polly you sound much more positive, you are lucky to have isla to keep your positivity up

Jo not sure, think they might close at Xmas (mine does)

Frothy, I used to get that all the time at work, someone even asked me if I wasn't telling them something when I put weight on, huh!!!

Hi everyone else!


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Joanne - I am always cold so maybe I am not best person to make judgement but I definitely think it is colder than normal for this time of year. Snow forecast for where I live in London on Saturday! Maybe will just be an early winter and will warm up earlier too?! Hope u manage to work round your dates. Do ask at your GP about when they would be able to do bloods cuz think they would be your best bet over xmas because IVF clinics scale down at that time.
Frothy - I have done a lot of xmas shopping over past few days, although probably still about half to do. Isla does not have enough patience for sitting still in shops so rest will be done over the internet. Nice going into town with shops looking so festive and lights on though. Really feels like not long till xmas now, which means not long till on 2ww as well. I like distracting myself with the xmas bit tho! Starting to think maybe would be better to spend xmas at home just the 3 of us tho, instead of visiting family given 2ww and dh is not allowed any time off over xmas (except the weekends and bank holidays) so maybe makes more sense. Glad u r feeling more positive Frothy. Definitely think keeping busy the way to go for now. Yes, hopefully you won't have to put up with the annoying questions much longer, and after new year hopefully you can smile knowingly instead. Definitely is insensitive, but think for a lot of people thought never even crosses their mind.
Bearhug - Sounds like a good plan! Yes, you are right. I think going through this process much easier for me as I have Isla thru IVF already. Although always a flip side too - I am surrounded by pregnant women and babies all the time and not much else to distract me!!! However, still feeling positive at the mo and hoping we all get our BFPs for the new year! x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls, lovely to hear from you all. Well plenty of snow up here, sure you'll be the same Joanne, more forecast for tonight so I hear - way too early in Winter for snow!! Oh Bearhug I missed the Apprentice last night, I was doing a Body Shop party, a hobby I have been doing for about 18 mths but time to call it a day and close down shop, too busy with work and this commitment but just did one for a friend last night. So who went out?? How are you getting on, do you have a date for your FET in theatre yet? I went for my baseline scan yesterday. Things okay I think. Lining at 2.4mm which they said was nice and thin. 7 follicles at the moment which they said was kind of okay. Some ladies have less, some more, so I'm kind of Miss Average but I'm okay with that. There was some concern over a shadowy area on the scan, probably the adhesions from my op in July, they weren't sure whether the consultant was going to abort this cycle and put me on a short protocol in Jan but I got the go ahead yesterday and back in for bloods tomrorow. Been so busy this week haven't had time to give much thought but you are probably right Polly that keeping busy is the way to go just now. 
Have stocked up on milk, pineapple juice and brazil nuts at home and am now lookign forward to getting in to a big hot bowl of pasta and a slob in front of the telly! 
Hope you are all okay, can you believe we'll be already in Dec by this time next week?? 
X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Great news on getting the go ahead! When do you start stimming? Think doing Body Shop parties really good idea - how much do u make from each party? I know - is so close to December now!!! x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly, I started stimming on Wed, 4 vials on Wed and Thur night then was back in for bloods this morning. Hosp just rang and said they wanted to increase me to 5 over the weekend, I'm not reacting quite enough to the drugs so they would rather give me a kick start over the weekend nice and early rather than leaving things too late. I was on 5 vials right the way through last time so I am on a high dose anyway which is a bit worrying but they wanted to drop me to 4 this time as I was on the cusp of developing OHSS last time apparently. Just going to do what I'm told and hope for the best. Have v quiet weekend coming up, in fact I'm leaving work now to go home and have hot bath and an indulgent night of telly and takeaway. Still snowy here so you wouldn't get me going out in this anyway!

I love the BS parties but just a bit too time consuming. You get 25% commission on everything you earn so is a good little earner but like everything you get out what you put in and I have really let things go lately. And now I'm just ready to have my spare room back to normal so having a big sale! 

Lots of happy thoughts for the weekend
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Don't think u need worry u on a high dose if that high dose is working for u and clearly it worked almost too well last time! Is great u have 7 follies already, hopefully increasing dose over the weekend will start off even more developing. I only had 7 follies right size anyway last time at my last scan and it worked. If u have started already u may well have ur BFP in time for xmas! How r u doing with the drugs so far? Any side effects? Definitely think is a good weekend to be staying snuggled up indoors! Love the snow, we haven't had any here yet but is very cold. I have to go in all the time for bloods during stimming too, hope u r managing to fit it all in ok around work etc x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello girlies!! It is really cold where Iam too but no snow yet. I'm in Bournemouth at the moment, went to see a dance group last night and stayed in a lovely b&b round the corner. The music was absolutely fantastic and I danced my head off. Feeling really chilled out this morning and all healthy.

Frothy apprentice was great! I love it   you can catch up on old episodes on the internet. Great that you've got the go ahead, it sounds like you might have EC soon? I was asked if I had kids yesterday, just shrugged it off but my tummy tightened un case more questions came.

Polly Ye that's true, most people with bumps and babies talk about them so it must be hard avoiding them. I'm avoiding a meal out with friends tonight because a baby is going. Bit annoying as it was my idea to go out for a meal in the first place as I'm not drinking, never mind, we're meeting everyone after the meal when baby goes home. I'm just going to tell people I had a big night last night and didn't want to go out too early. Ha ha.

Hi Joanne how're you doing?

Hello everyone else!!!

Oh Ye I had my DR test yesterday, all ok, on track for ET on 16th.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Nice to hear from you, hope weekends going well. Your break sounds lovely Bearhug, love that feeling after a great night if there's no hangover- the good thing about being booze free! Well dine on getting go ahead for 16th.

It has snowed heavily here almost all weekend so have barely left the house, done bits of clearing out and house work and a couple of lazy snoozes in front of fire. Made some Nigella brownies but actually girls I feel really boring at the minute! Partner and I love being life and soul but just feel at the minute we're having to be a bit choosy about where we go so as to avoid questions and feeling uncomfortable. It's his b'day on fri and we'll go out for a family meal but part of me feels a bit like this whole year has been spent planning for something or recovering from something, feel a bit like I want to go partying and let hair down! Obv having a family the most important though so let's see what Santa brings us, hopefully a bfp!!
Not much in the way if side effects polly, tummy bit sore and been tired and head achey but that's it thx. You are right, they know what they're doing. 8.00am bloods at hosp tomoro, hoping snow not too disruptive!
Well better drag carcass off settee or I will morph into a cushion.
Stay warm girlies! Has Isla seen snow before?


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Sorry Bearhug meant to add that's rubbish about the meal out you planned and now feel you don't want to go to!! Poor you. I am looking forward to the day when I can relax and stop feeling tense in these situations, can eat away at you if not careful. I have ducked out of a close friends baby shower in a couple of weeks, just can't face. Here's wishing we both get a great result in a few weeks.
Frothy xx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Aaaa thanks Frothy. I had a nice soak in the bath with candles and  joined the party after the baby had left, had a good night in the end and stayed up with everyone, don't think anyone noticed I wasn't drinking. I didn't take anyone up on rounds and when someone bought me a wine I took it to ladies with me and poured most of it down the sink and kept a little dribble in the glass  

OMG it is so cold out there! It still hasn't snowed here but it's -2. I stupidly left all the windows open when I went out and DH didn't close them till 4 pm!!! Wish I had an open fire too.

Right going to cuddle up in front of tele, night night girlies!


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

We are also hooked on the apprentice! Was very surprised that team won last week, but seems like so few candidates left. Who u supporting?
Bearhug - Is annoying u organised that meal and then couldn't go! Glad u had a good time later on tho. Think it is funny u pouring the wine away in the toilets - the lengths we go to to try and avoid questions!!! 
Frothy - Nigella brownies sound appealing! Maybe u should go have your night out with just u and dh or close friend who fine not drinking too if u feel like letting hair down. I am going out Thurs and Fri evenings and gotta make some excuses as to why not drinking, but ppl generally not persistent in asking. Think is always a bit surreal if u go to a club tho and everyone else drunk except u, feels like in a bubble but maybe that just me. Don't go to clubs much in my old age anyway tho, think it is nicer being somewhere where can talk! So won't stay out too late - makes too tough getting up in the morning at 7am, especially when so cold and dark at the mo but looking forward to going out. Glad u not too many symptoms with stimming and hope bloods fine this morning.
AFM - Still waiting for baseline on Thurs morning, been d/r for nearly 3 weeks now so feels like forever. Still, know come Thurs will all go so fast. I had EC day 10 last time so expecting around the same time again and due to risk OHSS I end up being in clinic almost every day from day 5 so will be busy. Can't wait to start stimming too now, but then don't really want to rush to 2ww cuz that bit so tough. When ur first follie scans girls? x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hiya girls

How's everyone today? Are you getting ready to start stimming Polly? Downregging for 3 weeks, that's quite a while, is there a reason for that? Sorry if you have said in earlier threads, I do read and take in, it's just then I forget very quickly!

Well what a palava getting to the hospital yesterday, snow was very deep and was over 2 hours late getting in. Luckily there was still a nurse there to take but we had a real battle with my veins, think I was actually dead yesterday! 20 mins and two bruised arms later they managed to get my sample, must make a mental note to at least do a bit of finger and arm flexing before tomorrow's! Still on 5 vials but they are happy that it's doing the trick. My oestrodial levels went from 34 last Weds to 79 on Friday and then 1254 yesterday. Haven't a clue what all this means so any advice welcome! 

Know what you mean Polly about 2ww coming. Can't believe how quick this is all happening for us all. Seems no time since we started this thread and none of us had started injecting again. Feeling very nervous for ec, will probably be a week tomrorow all being well. They said they might scan me this Friday just to see how things are going but will expect ec to be next Wed. Had a huge row (world war 3 virtually) with partner last night. He was being uncommunicative and difficult and I was determined not to bite back but then bedtime came and he nodded off without a worry in the world and I just couldn't settle without waking him up and having a dig. And I never learn because we ended up yelling and crying and falling aslweep feeling very drained adn emotionally bruised. Probably both just feeling a bit caged in as we've had snow since Weds and had to curtail plans and just the anticipation of what is coming. We're fine now but it's hard sometimes isn't it. 

Your plans on Thurs & Fri sound like just what you need Polly, don't forget the wine down the loo!! 

Are you okay Bearhug? You have a big day Thurs as well don't you? 
Love to all
Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hiya!!!

Polly what do you mean "at your age"! You're only 26 aren't you? You are still a spring chicken x

Hi Frothy, it is so hard isn't it, my DH falls asleep so quickly and doesn't let things bother him, I tend to overanalyse everything. It's a nightmare. Good to get it out in the open, have a nice cuddle tonight.

Hi everyone else!  

It's sooo cold! Ice cream is going Dow well though, it's never too cold for ice cream I say


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hello fellow ice creamy!! Am mad for the stuff, have you tried the Haagen Dasz choc praline and caramel? Oh my god heart attack inducing but soooo nice!
We are much better today thanks. Writing yesterday off as a bad day. Everyone just so fed up, overworked and sick of everything, think it rubbed off on us yesterday! Is anyone else finding that?
Grudges a massive pizza express for tea (keeping belly warm during stimming excuse prob wearing bit thin) and feel ready for bed and book. Rock n roll!!
Yes Polly good point from Bearhug, at 26 all I needed to get over a night out was a cup of sugary tea, those were the days!
Night all xx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Sorry for rubbish spelling, it's trying to auto correct itself. Grudges was meant to say gruffed! X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Ooo girlies it's apprentice night tonight, yeay!! Got friends coming round for takeaway and laughter, I want Lizzie to win, else Stella, the boys are rubbish  . What about you guys?

Frothy you sound much better I'm pleased to see x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Got apprentice on record cuz dh out tonight for mate's birthday. Hoping he gets home cuz all the public transport is really messed up this part of London cuz of snow and ice. Also hoping can get to hospital ok tomorrow cuz need get train, otherwise will be a very long journey and also hoping the nurses also will be getting into the hospital ok tomorrow to actually do my scan and bloods. Did like the snow until this dawned on me. Now just want it all to melt. Seems u had trouble getting in to hospital too then Frothy. Anyway, apprentice. I did like Jamie cuz he so charming but last episode think he was being bit stupid so not sure. Will watch last episode with dh and maybe change my mind! x
Frothy - I tried that haagen daz. Is very good. Prefer Ben and Jerrys half baked choc fudge brownie and cookie dough tho. I am pretty lucky in that when I am stressed my metabolism goes up so can then binge on rubbish and still stay same weight, but in this weather think I will be reaching for the chocolate instead of ice cream!
Bearhug - Not sure I ever was a spring chicken in that case!!! Like u I over-analyse then dh gets home and I just talk, and he internalises and doesn't like talk around subject if won't get us anywhere so can cause tension. Plus he sensitive cuz of me having go thru this cuz of him, which isn't really like that, because it is us as a couple who can't conceive, but always complicated emotionally isn't it? Cuddles always help u r right! Hope u and dh still enjoying the cuddles instead. 
Frothy - Didn't bother asking clinic why downregging for so long. My clinic always seems so disorganised and takes about a week for them to call back and never answer phones so don't ask something unless feel it will get me somewhere. Have had to call several times about problems with them ordering wrong meds so didn't bother about the d/r time cuz didn't seem most important to get thru about seeing as will still finish cycle before xmas. I have PCOS and started OHSS last time tho in end went the other way cuz of over-compensating by them so think maybe they thinking better switch off too long than not enough? Think more likely just that it fitted in with their schedule EC and ET or else just when appointment times free. Anyway, here now, so just want to be able to physically make it in tomorrow and hoping all is well to get started. 
Frothy - Horrible about your experience taking blood. I have had that couple of times too. Tends to help if I keep my arms warm and drink lots of water beforehand but maybe that is me being superstitious. No idea about absolute levels, sorry. Sure u could look them up online, but maybe this is a case of better off leaving it to them rather than giving yourself something to worry about. Hope ur scan friday goes well. x
When ur next appointment bearhug? x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies!  I'm on my laptop today so should be able to tpe properly for a chance, keep using my mobile and it predicts the wrong words sometimes without me noticing as I'm too busy typing away.

Polly you are right about it being both as a couple.  I remember when DH was diagnosed with a chromosome problem and he got really worried about it, his brother was told he had it and his wife left him (probably not because of that but my poor DH was all worried). I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him no matter what happened.  Told his mam that as well as as i think she was worried about both of her sons. I hope you get to the hospital OK. Are you at the Lister (your experience sounds like mine at the Lister last year)?  I hope you manage to make it to your appointment today   

Frothy - yep that's the Haagen Daz I was eating the other day, I absolutely love it mmmm. It's buy one get one free at the moment in Tesco. I've heard the snow is still really bad up north so I hope it's not going to cause you more havoc. It finally snowed down here last night and it looks beautifull. My work has told people not to go in so I'm at home today.  

My next appointment is a week today to check the womb lining. I think I'll have a Day 5 embryo implanted on the 16th if the lining has grown ok.  Aaaaaarggh scary.      it goes ok.

Hi Joanne, hope you're all 

Byeeee girlies xxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Just looked at my opening sentance, can't even type properly with a laptop


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Well was quite stressful trying to get into London but made it jam packed into one of the only trains not running. Was fine. Had 1st injection there of 112.5 Gonal F, continuing that till bloods on Monday morning.
I am at Guys ACU.
Bearhug - Must have been hard for your dh being diagnosed tho, can understand his worry and definitely good u were so reassuring. I also got tesco order coming tomorrow (not fancying driving out myself at the mo!) and stocked up on the haagen daz, hoping they not sold out by then! U having 1 blastocyst put back then? What is quality? Good luck! Great u got one frozen that made it to blasto stage cuz gives u very good chance. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

That's good you managed to make it in, and back home too   .  We've got 2 balsts on ice, just want to implant one at a time though. I don't know what grade they are, i didn't want to ask them so that I didn't start worrying about it. They are have a normal genetic make up though which is great.      it'll work.

Going to try and move my car, it's on a slope, can't see the snow going and it's bound to freeze overnight.


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Makes sense to do it that way. Some ppl choose 2 blastos and so much chance twins then which great except for the risks. I agree, better not to know, however I can never stop myself asking things like that and worrying! BTW Was wondering how long u have to wait between an unsuccessful IVF cycle and FET cycle? Is it the same as between IVF cycles or less time? I know maybe this isn't the most positive thinking on my part but trying to work out our options if things don't go to plan and maybe if we lucky we get frozen embies. Everything takes so much time in IVF world. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

I know what you mean! I think it depends on where you are, they told me 2 cycles which is 3 months to you and me as they don't include the withdrawal bleed as a cycle but it's still another month to us waiting ladies


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls! 

Well done for getting in Polly, must have been hideous in London. We forget how calm it is in the north with traffic and gettign places. Mind you the snow is causing no end of havoc. Have had more last night and all day today and no sign of it going. Fed up now, it's day 8 and still the sky looks full, 

ANYWAY! Enough of that, good news that it's looking like the 16th then Bearhug, a day 5 embryo is great!! Our unit don't seem to tell us the grades either, just how many cells the embies have but that's all. Sorry to sound thick but is Gonal F similar to the stimming drug I am on? (Menopur)? Best of luck with your stimming. First follicle scan for us tomorrow, will know more after that when e/c is looking. Prob next Weds we think. Totally petrified. LAst one was so painful and I can remember everything, so much for sedation meaning you won't remember things. It's this cyst on my ovary they have to go through, oh my god am so scared. THink they are going to give me a valium the night before so I will report back if it calms me down!

So did you both watch the Apprentice last night? LOVE IT!!!! Have bit of a crush on Jamie, want to thump Stuart and I too like Lizzie. 

Anyway I am logging off and facing the trek home. Off to a christmas fayre at a stately home tonight with some friends, the roads are probably hideous but just need to get out of the house! 

Bye for now Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

How r u all doing?
I had bloods taken this morning and feeling quite anxious. Last time were sky high at this point and am on lower dose this time but worried both ways - too high again and have basically stop for few days or too low cuz dose now too low. Will have to wait and see.
Frothy - Menopur just a different stimming drug. Both Gonal F and Menopur supposed to do same thing. Some women respond better to one or the other. How did your scan go? Do you have date for EC yet? Hoping cyst on your ovary does not cause so many problems this time. Try not to think about it, cuz nothing u can do anyway, just ask them if they can give u more drugs or stronger sedation when u go in this time. Surely if u request it then they can do under general? Sedation very heavy at my clinic and puts u asleep. Definitely share ur crush on Jamie. Christmas fayre at stately home sounds fantastic - hope it was good and roads not too bad. x
Bearhug - How r u getting on? Hope all is well. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

I'm so glad you posted Polly, I couldn't find the thread this morning, forgot it was under ICSI. Good luck with the results, I was on 225 gonal but I remember someone else on my thread on lower dose. 

Frothy was on menopure at my previous clinic. They do the same thing. Gonal comes already mixed so a bit less fiddly (not that I got a choice of which to use, just went to a different clinic). Oo your cyst sounds nasty. You can ask them to change medication and to do a practice run, my friend did that as she has previously had same problem as you. My last clinic did it under general by default but the one I'm at now doesn't use general.

I'm feeling a bit low today as went out on sat and found out another friend is pregnant. I had to hide in the toilet and shed a few tears (while also throwing some of my wine down there as I was pretending to be drinking as normal). It's not fair is it girlies


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

I'm on my mobile so trying to compact my message, bit too much probably as it might not have made sense Frothy - my friend had a practice go at being sadated to make sure she was out properly as she'd had a bad experience in the past. You could always enquire in case they can do something similar x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Oh so sorry to hear that you are both having anxious days. Not much better myself so we can just be neurotic together hey! Polly, when will you find out about today's blood results? Got fingers crossed for you my love.

Bearhug, that's rubbish timing with you finding out about your friend. I can't tell you the number of times I have had to disappear to a loo somewhere to pull myself together and get to grips with the news - time and time again. Worse though at this time for you as you are already feeling hyper-sensitive no doubt. My thoughts are with you. In fact I just had a little tear for you when I read that  

I am due to leave in 10 mins for my 2nd scan. On Friday I had 19 follies, largest at 18mm then 15.5mm then rest smaller. Wish me luck. Feel like I am carrying bowling balls about and can't walk very quickly, what a goon I look. Obviously be great if it means good sized follies but we'll see. Totally dreading egg collection, they won't put me under GA but have agreed to give me some valium to take tomrorow night and another one Wed morning as I will be in on Wednesday. Want to feel excited but just can't at the minute, found things really gruelling over the last week. Thank goodness partner and I getting on better as of yesterday. Before then it had been about 8 days of constantly griping at each other, so wearing. Sat we went to a cookery school for his b'day which he loved. I enjoyed too but think maybe hormones playing havoc with senses as everything seemed to make me feel sick and I could really notice the smell of everything. 

Will be in touch later with news. Keep smiling both of you XX


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Ooo good luck to both of you! I will check in to see how you get on. Betta get back to my work   . Thank you for shedding a tear, it's so lovely that you understand


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - On bar at top you can click 'add bookmark' then go back to this thread via your bookmark link. Tough u had to find out about your friend at this time - they should all put off getting pregnant until after we all pregnant   Anyway, know it is difficult to hear, especially when u r at this point in treatment. Definitely is not fair, but it will be your time soon too.  
Frothy - Hoping your scan went well and more of your follies have grown.   Glad u and dh getting on better now. I had to get up early this morning to get to clinic and dh just doing little things which meant I had more to do before leaving and just kept snapping at him. Think it is what it does to our hormones, and blokes aren't the best at being sensitive or thoughtful sometimes. Hoping EC still going ahead Wednesday for u so u can get those bowling balls out of you soon and growing into babies to be!!!
My EC likely to either be Saturday or Monday (Saturday when probably ready but they would prefer to put off till Monday if can cuz they don't like doing procedures on weekend if can avoid). That is assuming my scan goes well which probably Wednesday or Thursday. They will tell me when they call about bloods which they haven't done yet. My clinic notoriously bad at phoning so no real idea when will be, probably not till 4 or 5 based on last time.


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - How did your scan go?
Didn't get call all day about bloods, so called nurses line just before closing. No answer (they never answer tho) so left message cuz they had my wrong mobile number so had left my number with nurse in morning when took bloods and worried they calling wrong number. Still no call back so called emergency line at quarter to six to know what dose Gonal F to take cuz couldn't wait till next day obviously, doctor said nurse still there so got on line, she said she had left lots of messages for me during the day, I started trying to explain about number, she interrupted me straight away and said, look, I will just tell you what u need to do. Then said I needed to take 112 again yesterday evening and today and come in Wednesday at 8:30am for a scan. I said thank you and she just hung up. Felt really quite upset at time because she rude to me and had been waiting around all day for the call but feeling better today. Think she probably just wanting to get home. Good I am staying same dose I think, so gotta be good sign. Couldn't ask any questions the way she was with me so don't know what bloods actually were. Feeling nervous about scan on Weds already. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly, oh you poor love. Sorry not been in touch earlier. Meant to email this morning to see how you got on. Does this woman have any idea of the sensitivity that her patients are feeling? What a madame, should be ashamed of herself. We have one of those at our clinic, one minute she can be fine, next she's really snappy and rude, has had me in tears a few times too. I rang once and gave my full name and date of birth and she just went 'hurry up we don't need all that, what do you want'. You feel you've got more to fight with when you're feeling okay but in this hormonal state it's not fair. Are you paying privately for your treatment or through NHS? I am funded on NHS and sometimes feel you are caged in to a corner becuase you feel if you complain about your service they'll go 'what do you expect you're not paying for it' or you'll go to the bottom of the waiting list or something. 

Scan went well thanks. I have 20 follicles and 13 of them are over 16mm, some at 22mm. No wonder I'm feeling uncomfortable now. My e/c is 08.30am tmorrow morning. It is a good job I am in work keeping busy as I am cacking myself but have been given a valium for tonight and one for tomorrow morning. I know once I get in there I will be a brave girl and just say 'do what you need to do' but I must admit I feel very anxious. Weather is still very bad here and my mum can't get her car out to come over for mother comfort tomorrow so I have booked a friend in to come and babysit for me - have got The Notebook on dvd (haven't watched it but heard it's a good girly flick) and am now feeling very happy that I told my close girl friends cos they have all really come up trumps and looked out for me. 

Thanks for the tip about the Bookmark, I didn't know that either! How are you doing today Bearhug??

Wish me luck for tomorrow, I am having the girls over tonight for a Book Swap and pizza so prob won't log on again today but will be in touch to let you know how my e/c went - that's if I survive arrrggghhh!!!

Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Oh polly you poor thing. Some people have absolutely no sensitivity, they forget they are dealing with real people with feelings. Even if she had to go home that's no excuse to talk to you like that.   . Try not to worry about your scan (much easier said than done I know but it sounds like you're still getting on well with the medication).  Good luck for scan tomorrow.

Frothy I have a feeling that a lot of the clinic's are privately run and they just get the fuding through from the NHS if applicable...it doesn't make a difference to them who pays so don't worry about getting substandard service as I don't think that's the case. I've had NHS and have also funded own and they've been the same.  I hope the Valium works well tonight and good luck for tomorrow, great that your friends are being supportive.

Apprentice night tomorrow, yeay!  I can't believe Lizzie was so bi*^y at the end of the show last week, still think she's good though. 

Night night girlies xxx
xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Well feel more uncertain after the scan. I have lots of follies but still small. Biggest 11.5mm but most 8 or 9mm. Apparently my bloods were a little low but they kept me on same dose because of worry from last time OHSS, but if bloods low today then they will increase dose a bit. She doesn't seem too worried that are still small, but just worries me because day 7 last time biggest 16mm. Hoping just slow growing and will be ok. Apparently last day for EC is next Friday so just gotta get them up to size for then. Looks like EC will be sometime later on next week now.
Thanks for ur support about the nurse girls. I am self-funding but seems same as last time when I was NHS.
Frothy - Yes, definitely not surprising u uncomfortable! Your ovaries have been very busy! Hope EC goes well today! Have fingers crossed for u.
Bearhug - How r u today? Hope all is well. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Girls

How are you both today? Have you still got your FET planned in for 16th Bearhug? How are you doing today Polly? Sorry to hear you were having a flat time yesterday. So unpredictable what our bodies decide they are doing. Fingers crossed for a good growth between now and next week. Have you had more bloods today? 

Our ec went ahead as planned yesterday. Was in quite a state and told every clinical person and his dog that I needed strong pain relief. There was all kinds going wrong yesterday, drains leaking in theatre, staff not turning in cos of snow and just generally one of those days for the poor staff. Was crying in theatre (felt such a baby but was shivering with cold and anxiety) and then took 15 mins trying to get canula in my hand but long story short I survived and lived to tell the tale! We got 18 eggs, 15 of which survived the sperm injection. Have had a call today to say 7 have fertilised, have to say I feel quite disappointed and uncertain about it all. I think they usually say a 60-70% fertilisation rate so we are below average but had an above average number of eggs. I know it only takes one and I shouldn't sound so bl*ody greedy but I think I would have felt better if we had got say 8 eggs and then 7 of them fertilise as it would have made me feel we had a better quality. But we are where we are and we wait to hear from the clinic tomorrow morning to see when we go in. Do you think I sound ungrateful?? We had a better fertilisation rate last time so guess I am just comparing. And that didn't work so I suppose what's going through my head is more embryos last time but didn't work so we don't have much chance this time. How miserable am I, think it's cos I've just had Jeremy Kyle on whilst making breakfast!
Have got everything crossed for you Polly.
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - I can understand why you are disappointed. However 7 embryos is a fantastic number to have and when it all comes down to it, all that matters is the quality of the 1 or 2 that they put in, so there is no point in questioning why only that many fertilised. You are in a great position right now with so many embryos, so really hoping they keep doing well.  
AFM - Yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster. Despite the scan they reduced my dose Gonal F to 75 which got me so stressed out because nurse in morning had said might increase. I did question it and she said it is cuz my bloods went up to 1500. However, I looked this up and it is only slightly higher than average for day 7. She said it is cuz of the relative jump from 450 to 1500 in 2 days and so I went along with it. My concern is that they over-compensate like last time though. My scan shows that the follies are not developing too fast in fact are going slowly and bloods not particularly high so don't see why I am currently at any risk of OHSS. I had bloods taken this morning and asked to talk to a doctor so they put that in my notes, but to be honest, I am not holding my breathe for them to actually do this. I am just really hoping they put it back up because I don't want to have so few eggs again, when clearly my body perfectly capable of producing a lot more. I think they ought to take into account what happened last time and know that although my bloods were high last time (much higher - 3200 on day 7) I didn't get OHSS after coasting 3 days, in fact I didn't produce many eggs because they didn't monitor over the weekend and bloods dropped so eggs stopped developing. They over-compensated. So worried that they will let my bloods drop and would prefer to take the risk so I know will get good eggs, and worst case realistically then from this point that I can see is that have to freeze them if continue rising cuz already on day 8. Trying not to stress but after last time they got it wrong, so hard to put my trust in them when I know so much more about it this time. Know is not worst case if same happens this time cuz eggs I did have were good quality but hate not being in control and not being consulted etc Wish I could be a part of decision making. Anyway, don't mean to be negative, still overall remaining positive just getting myself worked up.
IVF such a tough thing to do emotionally. One hurdle after another. Hoping u girls feeling positive today. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey Polly

Thanks for your note back. I agree, isn't it just a totally anxious and wearing time. You go on an emotional rollercoaster and at the end of if you don't even know whether it was all worth it. It also leaves you confused like it sounds you are with your results and you don't understand why they make the decisions they do - and then not explain in a way you understand. (am I making any sense at all?). Best advice I can give is to accept their advice and the way they are doing things as sure there will be a reason for it. Know it won't be much comfort for you though sorry. 
I have just been flicking through some 'during treatment' posts as I have been a bit anxious about the timing of my ec yesterday. I was booked in for 08.30am so I took my HCG at 8.30pm Monday night. With all the problems in theatre yesterday I didn't get taken into theatre until around 9.15am and started ec probably around 9.30am. Does that extra hour have any impact do you nkow as I thought it was really important that it was exactly 36 hours. Anyway what I meant to put was that I found a thread on there about 'a letter to our embryoes' - have either of you read it? I will send you the link if you like, but prepare for a weep. X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Sure, send the link and I will have a read. I have to accept their advice because I have no choice, but it is difficult knowing they made the wrong decisions last time (they did admit this). The extra hour doesn't make any difference. It can't be that long after EC because there is a risk u will ovulate the eggs (which clearly you didn't do cuz they got lots), and shouldn't be less than 36 hours because the injection matures the eggs and otherwise there won't have been enough time for them to mature properly. My EC last time was also delayed by an hour just because they were slow with the people before me and they didn't seem bothered. Hope that reassures you a bit. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello girlies! Just a quick message from me as I'm in the office in my mobile. A big hug to both of you  . It's so hard being on this rollercoaster   .

Polly I think the best thing you can do us try listening to relaxation cds and do calming breathing exercises to minimise stress related chemicals whizzing round your body.

Frothy i'm glad EC went well in the end, you have a good number so focus on that hun,1 hour doesn't make a difference so don't worry about that


Betta get back to work xxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Morning girlies!!! How are you feeling?

Frothy any news on your embies? Yes please send link.

Polly what's happening next? Hope EC is planned before Xmas break?


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - How r u? Same question. How are your embies doing?! Hope all going strong still.  
Bearhug - What is happening with you at the moment? Do you have anything before 16th? I am just a worrier, would find something to worry about anyway. EC will be next week. Am in every day now with blood tests and scans. Next scan nurse said would probably be tomorrow, which surprised me cuz thought they wouldn't want to do on a Sunday, but apparently she says most people get scanned every other day from this point. If follies have grown by then, then EC will be Tues but they would have had to have grown 2mm both days for that to happen so reckon more likely Wednesday or Thursday. My bloods rising but not too quickly so they are not so concerned anymore and have increased dose again to 112 to speed up follie growth. Still have 20-30 follies growing and all growing about the same rate which is good so I know same thing as last time has not happened because reduction was right this time, so they have made all the right calls so far which I am happy about.
Had friends over to stay last night and out for lunch now so will sign off.


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Spoke too soon. Scan today showed larger follies now soaking up FSH cuz only low dose and smaller ones giving up and disappearing. At least my bloods staying down well now! lol Hoping still enough on EC day but know only takes one and quality more important anyway. Given go ahead for EC 8:30am Wednesday and no more daily ACU visits! x
How are u all? How were your weekends?


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey girls

Massive apology for not being in touch. My two lifelines and I've totally disappeared, christ I should have logged on yesterday before half our crockery set got smashed cracking the kitchen tiles....another story for another time, but hell yesterday was fraught with hormones! 
Thank you for asking how we are doing. We ended up having a 2 day transfer on Friday morning. Clinic rang on Fri to say all 7 had survived overnight but were all still only 2cell so they wanted them back in their natural environment asap. We were totally gutted, felt it was all over, really fed up driving to hospital - last time we had had an 8 cell and 7 cell put back in and that didn't work so what chance this etc etc...that was until the embryologist reminded us that last time we had a day 3 transfer and that three had developed within the hour from the phone call and getting in. Long story short have a 4 cell and 3 cell back in as of Friday. Test date Boxing Day (may leave a day or so afterwards if we can bear to). Have been suffering dreadful stomach pains ever since, bruised and swollen, can't even lie on my front or side in bed been that sore. Doc checked I haven't been vomiting or anything so ruled out any serious OHSS but think I am borderline again. Yesterday hormones were absolutely mental. Felt so black, really weepy, desperate, you name it. Probably doesn't help that snow is only just beginning to melt so haven't seen family for weeks but just felt lower than low and really sore. But you will be proud of me! I managed to go to my friend's baby shower today, I put a brave face on, hair in big rollers, make up and heels on and decided to go along because they're my friends and they've been absolute rocks for me so it's the least I can do to show my face. Was all quite full on a bit 'americanised' if you know what I mean but good fun and lovely to see everyone. 

Anyway enough of me me me. Polly oh my goodness you sound so much better than previous posts. Still a little anxious but you do sound happier. And you have Weds as a date!! Brilliant, have all my fingers and toes crossed. Remember what you told me about Isla - it only takes one! Best of luck my love, glad you won't be trekking daily, it does take it out of you, esp this time of year (not sure I would do Nov/Dec again in hindsight but with any luck I will be retracting saying that in a couple of weeks!). Do let us know how you get on. 

Bearhug, how's your rollercoaster ride going? Still on track for e/c on Thurs? Have you seen much of your friends and are you feeling okay?

Sorry for the long drawn out email and hope you don't think I am a psychopath after reading about the crockery smash. 

Love Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Lol Frothy - think it is good to express feelings/ frustrations somehow, perhaps not with crockery smashing but is better than keeping it all inside. Makes u seem more human, not more of a psychopath!!! I also am no good at keeping my emotions in check at all and often threaten my dh that if he ever got me sectioned I would never forgive him!   Sorry to hear u feeling down after 2 day transfer. I wonder what will happen with your other embies? Are they going to keep them going to see what happens? It may be they are just slow starters and still have a chance of freezing. Either way, now those 2 embies are back inside they have a good chance as best place to be and a 4 cell day 2 is the best u can get realistically isn't it? Anyway,   they survive and keep going. Think it amazing u managed to go to a friend's baby shower after all that! I don't think I would have. Glad you enjoyed it as well. It might be yours next - you never know! Hope pains don't stay much longer. Must be really hard stay level and sane on 2ww when as well as hormones to contend with u have lack of sleep from not being able to lie comfortably. Keep drinking water - our clinic says 3 litres a day which seems so much, sure it will settle down soon, your doc is right, if not severe by now then should get better.

Yes, daily hospital trips with London commuters wasn't good. Have had 2 scans with Isla too cuz couldn't avoid it, although rest of time we managed it with dh or a friend. She actually been good as gold so can't complain. It seems amazing cuz she was a difficult baby, and when all other babies burbling happily she would just randomly start screaming and I would have to leave everything early cuz she would get overwhelmed by anything new within half an hour. I had ideas that with a baby u could go out to lunch with friends and go round cafes and drink cups of tea. Not with mine! However, at 6-9 months she started changing into a little person and she is such a happy little thing now, and very outgoing. At the weekend we had friends stay Friday night, brought bottle of wine and I had drink squash (didn't ask questions though). Then I had to leave at 8:30am Saturday for hospital and dh said I had gone to 'the clinic'. Then we all went out for lunch at 2 with more friends and stayed there over 2 hours with happy baby (with mummy's endless bag of toys!) and they all drinking mulled wine while I was on the hot chocolate so now pretty sure they think I am pregnant which is worse than the truth, however couldn't bring myself to tell them. Then friends came back to ours for a bit. Then dh and I had takeaway in evening with x factor. Sunday we tried going to Hamleys but apparently we weren't invited to 'private event' so went to science museum, then we we went to Hyde Park Christmas Fair, then tried getting back Hamleys on bus but it stopped at Marble Arch for no reason and we tired so decided not meant to be and came home. My mum came to stay last night and just left for meeting London Bridge. Mother in law is going to come Tuesday to look after Isla while dh and I go to EC on Wednesday morning.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Your weekend sounds lovely and Christmassy, we used to try and come to London for a long weekend in December, have fallen out of the habit of it for some reason but you saying that sounds just fab. Hope it managed to take your mind off things. So I take it your friends didn't know first time round either? Don't feel bad about it. It's your decision, people don't realise how painful it is to talk about sometimes - plus we vowed we would keep it to ourselves this time as it was so difficult saying it hadn't worked but as the time came nearer we decided to share it (as you know, so don't know why I am waffling).

Are you all geared up for Wed then? Thank you for thinking me human and not a psycho, all is calm in the lovenest, think we both got a bit of a shock at the rage of temper and I am certainly not proud of myself.

Woke up middle of night remembering have not sent you that link - here it is. Maybe read at a quiet time on your own. It's lovely but quite a tear jerker.
http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=246604.0

Feeling brighter mentally today thanks, although still convinced it's going to be bad news. Did I tell you we bumped into some friends in the clinic when I was going for bloods and then they were in the cubicle next to us having ET as we were just out of EC? They are 2 days ahead with 2 x 5day blasts so will test on Xmas Eve. Small world eh? Am stupid to be comparing but have convinced myself that their 5 day ones will be the winners in this awful battle, don't I sound horrible. Just seem to have a really negative cloud over me.

Will keep on with the water!! Hope you are having a good day, not long now!!
Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies!  Been away for the weekend so sorry I've not had a chance to catch up.  I'm staying in tomorrow so will have a proper read through and catch up properly, I hope you are ok and coping. Big hug and night night xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Polly sorry am writing probably a bit late for you to get this but just a note to wish you tinned of luck for tomorrow. Everything crossed. Let us know how you get on when you feel up to it.

Bearhug, you still in on thurs? Hope you are doing okay.

I am feeling far more normal and rational, just starting to enjoy my time off work and back tomorrow!

Love frothy x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Tinned of luck haha damn phone.....tonnes of luck!


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Morning girlies!


polly good luck for todoy hun, really pleased you got to do it before xmas as it would have been awful if they had post poned it.      you don't get OHSS hun. big hug.

frothy you did so well going to babyshower, my god you are made of steel, i wouldn't have been able to do it, I've been a wreck lately as I found out another friend is preganant on top of last weeks one.  Well done.  i think we are going to have the same test date if it goes well for me at the hostpital.  How bizaar you bumped into people you know. Is she someone that you get on well with that you can talk to about things?


My transfer has been moved to today so I'm on my way in shortly.  I'm off work now till after New year and have no more things planned in the evenings so I will be around a lot more. Sorry I've been off the radar a bit. I've been keeping myseff busy to take my mind off things

Good luck Polly hun, let us know how you get on


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Good luck to u too if u have not left yet. Otherwise hope FET went well.  
AFM - Feel very angry at ACU and no way we are doing another cycle with them. Got out of EC and started crying. Basically they made too many bad calls along the way with us despite my worrying about their decisions and telling them so. They knew from first scan eggs developing slowly and might be better if increased dose then they decided to decrease it cuz of worry with bloods when bloods not that high anyway (as previously explained). This is all despite reducing dose last time so follies stopped developing and bloods not going anywhere near OHSS in the end. Then after they reduced dose smaller eggs stopped developing and then still did not increase dose after said now no risk OHSS just went back to same (so at least only stayed on reduced dose but still too low). Then on the Sunday did scan and less eggs and smaller ones slowing and still did not increase dose just kept same and left me on it till EC weds even though protocol says once 2 or 3 18mm go for EC (and I had 3 over that). Now today when they did EC they got 8 eggs which rubbish as I show all signs of high responder and max dose I been on over this cycle is 112 Gonal F which is lower than lowest normal dose, and as well as that only the 6 largest follies had continued to grow since scan on Sunday the rest getting smaller cuz not enough FSH (and larger eggs take more up so smaller ones get even less) so basically only had 6 large follies and most of rest 10mm (so gone backwards). I feel really angry they did not take last tx into account and have done a bit better (8 eggs instead of 6) but think it is ridiculous that they have been so cautious knowing didn't need to be after last time, especially as my bloods have been rising only slowly and steadily ever after that one they panicked over (which wasn't high, was only cuz was a jump from day before). Definitely if does not work going elsewhere where they will actually wait to see if going to OHSS before reducing dose and look at scans and make sensible diagnosis not safe (just in case) and end up with fewer eggs. Sorry for the rant but felt so angry when I found out what had happened and saw notes from EC today to know what had happened with follies.
Frothy - Hope u r doing ok and staying more positive than me at the moment! Seems like maybe it will be me dropping crockery tonight! x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Oh Polly hun i'm not surprised you are ****** off   8 is a good number though hun and with you being 26 it will hopefully mean you've got a good chance of them being mature. Have a nice relaxing bath and get rid if som e stress.


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

O...i'm on way back from hospital PUPO


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Congratulations Bearhug!


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

What are your 0TD both of u?


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Thank you. I was told boxing day but today they said boxing day is the earliest and really the day after might be best.  I was going to have a good drink on Xmas day if it didn't work.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls,

How you both doing?? 

Sorry not been in touch for a couple of days .....back in work, say no more. I thought Dec was wind down time!! 

Anyway, congrats Bearhug on having your ET - I can't remember did you go for the one blast? And are you feeling okay today? 

Polly, I felt so disappointed for you when I read your post last night.  Sorry I didn't get chance to reply but was flying out of the door and any response would have just looked short and abrupt. How are you feeling today after sleeping on it and have you had any more news today? So sorry to hear that you feel so let down by the clinic, it is such an important time I bet you just felt like losing it with them. Having said that, hope crockery hasn't made an appearance! On the bright side you said yourself it's a better cycle than last time and look what you got last time in lovely Isla so you know it can work for you!! Keep in touch, hope you are feeling a little brighter today and starting Christmas nice and early with lots of choc and films on dvd. 

My test date is Boxing Day. Haven't decided whether we will leave it a day or so but will see nearer the time, might not be able to resist. Feel exactly as I did last time, have no 'inkling' that I'm pregnant and on the whole would say I'm pretty convinced I'm not but that could be a protective shell I'm putting round myself to soften the blow if it's a BFN. So who knows. 

Best wishes to you both
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

You are both testing on the same day! Think nice to be day after xmas rather than day before tho, because xmas can take ur mind off it?! 
Think my OTD will be 31st December according to clinic which is 29th December according to me (14 days after EC rather than 16).
Try and stay positive. I was very neutral and try to remain neutral cuz like u say soften the blow but don't decide negative cuz don't want any negative vibes getting to embies!!! Actually was bit weird last cycle, cuz got cramping day 7 and 8 then went away so went internet surfing and found out that good sign and then was convinced I was pregnant so tested early without telling dh and was positive, don't know if that was my insight of just luck. Seems a lot of ppl convinced not pregnant and are. Someone on my other thread even stopped taking her pessaries cuz so convinced was af and then she tested positive and still positive a week after that.

Frothy - Thanks for your sympathy. Makes me feel like I am not being so irrational and over-emotional (even tho I am!!! lol)

Anyway, gotta be a bit of a rant today too. Phone call 7 out of 8 eggs were able to be injected and 5 out of those 7 fertilised so have been given slot on Saturday for ET. However, wasn't fun this morning because Guys said they would call between 9 and 12 to tell us about fertilisation and of course, typically, they didn't. So at five past twelve I was already starting to go crazy thinking I would be leaving messages all afternoon etc like normal, so I called nurses line, however, they answered the phone (they never do this - often the inbox is even too full to leave a message)!!! So the nurse phoned the embryologist to remind them to call me and ten minutes later got a call from the embryologist but oh my god, I am so fed up of Guys hospital right now. For what we pay them think they ought to call when they say they will. Fertilisation still in the average. So in exactly the same position as last time with 5 embryos. Hoping they do well. Looks like won't get to blasto though with only 5 embies but will wait and see. If Saturday then that is ok with me, cuz know was 3 day last time, but will fight like hell for 2 and take the risk.


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Polly that's great news you've ended up with five  embies hun. It is so stressful when clinics don't call back, Lister was like that for me last year. Argh. People can be so insensitive!

Frothy how  are you coping? I'm super emotional at the moment, even cried at apprentice last night when Joanna left. And today i've been stressing about my best friend bring too busy to see me during 2ww.  

xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

How you both doing? Bearhug, am super emotional too. Going from being very calm to feeling like a firework and today a few people at work have commented that I seem a bit out of sorts. Can't quite put finger on it, feel a bit fed up, a bit hormonal and a bit sorry for our circumstances so I sure need to ping myself out of it. Partner out tonight for works do, have told him the Spare Room will be cleared of pressies so he turns left at the top of the stairs when he gets in and doesn't come in and wake me! Need to start enjoying each other's company again though cos think we are a bit sick of each other etc. Do you know what I mean? What's happened about your friend not being able to see you during 2ww? 

Polly, rant away, that's what we're here for. How you doing today?

Meant to ask you both actually, I'm on progesterone support until test date but also on 4 tablets a day of Climaval - I remember being on this last time too but don't actually understand what it's for? Have read the leaflet and it's an HRT - have either of you had this along with your progesterone and what's it for?

Well girls a week today and it's Christmas Eve so test date for us all is looming ever closer. Are you up to much tonight either of you?


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies! I know it's been such an emotional roller coaster. I was getting myself really wound up yesterday, I got so wound up I ended up calling DH at work and he came home straight away at lunch time and didn't work the afternoon and missed out his xmas do in the evening, then he had to get up at 4am this morning to work in the spare room to make up the time. Poor thing. He said he didn't want me getting stressed out (my head just goes round and round when I'm on my own). I have turned into a nutter girlies.  

Frothy I totally understand honey, I'm avoiding everybody at the moment, I've gone into hibernation. I'm not working now till new year (have just taken it as holiday) and we're not going to any xmas get togethers. I can't face pretending to be all cheerful when I've got all this turmoil going on in my head and keep having raging moods at the tiniest things, and lots of tears of course.  Why don't you get some DVDs out and cuddle up together?  It might be a bit less stressful after some big fat hugs.  I'm on Progesterone and provera, the provera is probably the same kind of stuff as yours, i think it's Oestrogen. They told me if I get a BFP I have to carry on taking both to 10 weeks, i think they keep the womb lining going until the placenta is established. 

Polly I hope tomorrow goes well hun        . Let us know how you get on. i hope the snow doesn't interfere with your plans, it's such bad timing hun i hope you're not worrying about it      

Have a nice relaxing evening girlies xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

I feel like hibernating too. Was meant to be going to a party tonight but so not up for it. Lo has a cold and cried pretty much non-stop for an hour last night cuz she couldn't breathe cuz of being blocked up, and only way to keep her calm was to hold her. Was about to give up and take her into bed with me when she finally dozed off properly. Anyway, couldn't stand the thought of her getting distressed like that when I am not there so that just made decision easy. DH decided to go xmas shopping last night and only got back 11:30pm and think he may go tonight but he hasn't called and not answering phone so am on here waiting to know if should cook for myself or wait for him. We never good combination when we both stressed cuz traditional woman I want to talk about all the what ifs, worries, feelings etc and he wants to withdraw and try not to think about it. Think we are doing ok with it though cuz we been thru so much now, kinda accept that and are more understanding with each other, although does mean we still don't support each other very well.
Bearhug - I am worried about the snow. You know me too well! Always worry about anything that could be a problem! We are on Southern route and they have already posted notice that will be reduced services tomorrow, so that means just 2 trains an hour, which would be ok, only tends to be a similar number of people that have to travel despite reduced trains so trains all get delayed and can't always get on the trains. Have to wait and see. If worst comes to worst is a 2 hour walk, and I will be doing that!!! Lol I did want dh to come with me, because want 2 embryos put in and depending on situation not sure my clinic will want that, so wanted him argue this with me. Plus nice for him to be part of it. However, if trains rubbish tomorrow will leave him with lo cuz trying to get in with pushchair will be impossible and instead go on my own. This is all an assumption of course. Every part of ivf so scary cuz possibility get horrible call saying not viable, and also possibility get call saying doing well come Monday instead. With 5 embyros like last time, feels like fate given history repeat itself tho so still sticking with assumption be ok tomorrow.
Bearhug - Think that really good of your dh to come home like that for u. I think we all turn into nutters during 2ww so u definitely not alone in that! Is such a life changing thing, think it be more worrying if was not emotional.
Frothy - I am on cyclogest pessaries twice a day and that is all now. Don't know what climaval is. Sorry. Wikipedia good for that sort of thing if u do want to find out. I hate it when people say things like that, if I was u I would have been a lot more out of sorts after them saying that!!! I wake up for anything these days, wake up when dh opens the front door so makes no difference. I also wake up if it has been more than a couple hours of me being asleep and he not come in so prefer him come back bed with me cuz then I know he home ok. Still, I am lucky in that my head hits the pillow and straight back asleep so might feel differently otherwise. Yes, as said earlier, me and dh react so differently that currently feel like we are on different planets, but always figure that so long as u keep bringing yourselves back together it makes no difference. I am a complete romantic actually, and never really grew out of the "if u love each other nothing else matters" philosophy. Me and dh been together 9 1/2 years with me convinced of this so figure it probably good philosophy to believe in. So think as bearhug says, a few cuddles and chilling out with dvds together makes everything ok again.
This is a bit of a long post and still no call from dh so will sign off and try calling him again. Try and keep busy both of u, u r right, really not long till the wait is over.
Send lots of positive thoughts my way for tomorrow! x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello girlies!  Polly i hope it works out tomorrow hun      . I'm a romantic too.   I just popped back online quickly to say I'm on a frozen cycle so my tablets are probably different to yours Frothy, it just occured to me so thoght I'd betta pop back and tell ya. Night girlies xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Sorry for extra long post last time. Will make this one short. ET has been postponed to Monday because all 5 embies still going strong so going to have 1 blasto put in on Monday. Also hoping to have some for freezing, but not going to get greedy. I will be more than happy if I have one good one. Hope u r both well. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi Polly that's amazing news hun, yeay! Think snow will go away by then too, London is showing sun tomorrow. Don't apologise for a long message, it's great to hear from you. I tend to use my mobile a lot, it takes so long to type! I'm going crazy with the 2ww. I'm thinking quite positively at the moment so it's going to be a big fall if if doesn't work.    . Off to bed now night night x

Hi Frothy hun, hope you're ok   have you made up with your man?


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Hope you are both well and distracting yourself with festive season. x

ET went fine today. All 5 embryos still growing and developing, although only one was very good quality blastocyst already. 2 others early blastocyst and other 2 compacting to blastocyst? I think they said. Not really sure. Anyway, going to call me tomorrow to see if/how many good to freeze. They are going to keep the other 4 going till then to see. Anyway, had the best full blastocyst put in and am now PUPO! Going to try and enjoy xmas and attempt not to think about it every 5 seconds (which I will probably fail at). Official test date is new years eve which I am pleased about cuz new start to new year, hopefully a good one, but also know we are lucky in that we have inherited some money so can go straight on again if not. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Congratulations for bein PUPO Polly!!!! Yeay. Sounds great that the others are still growing  . Wish there was a secret to make the 2ww fly past without any worries! I am going insane here. Flipping between thinking it's worked and thinking it hasn't. Aaaaarrrrgg. Consoling myself with cakes and chocolates, not good! But at least i'm not drinking so that's a few less calories. I had a nice weekend in London, it looked lovely in the snow, never seen the snow so white there, it normally turns to black sludge. Went to see a show on Saturday along Southbank and visited DH family on Sunday. Now we're back home and i'm back to overanalysing all my twinges and checking my nickers all the time     that it'll work this time.

Frothy how are you doing hun? Are you ok


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hiya girls

Sorry bet you thought I had disappeared off face of earth. I'm still here! CONGRATULATIONS Polly on your 5 day embie going back in, you must be really thrilled, esp with last week's rollercoaster of emotion. Hope you are feeling fine today and best of luck for tomorrow's phone call. 

I'm doing okay thanks, tempers seem to have calmed much more in the last few days and actually feel quite normal today. I am still convinced it hasn't worked most days but as usual think it's my protective shell. Tell my few friends who know that if it hasn't worked they owe me one hell of a booze up. I have done so much picking up and dropping off lately due to not drinking that I won't be playing taxi driver for a minute longer!! Feel we're holding off from making plans though at the moment - few people asked us about new years eve but just don't know. I'm not a massive fan of NYE anyway, find I can be a bit overwhelmed and almost get a bit wistful sometimes about the year gone by and what's coming in the year ahead. Each new year we have prayed that this will be the year we get our baby news and each year has gone on to not be so, so just don't know how we'll be feeling this NYE. Anyway I am waffling, what I was saying is that I am convinced I'm not - I was exactly the same last time and I wasn't - but DP asked the embryologist during ET if there was any way I could know at this stage and they said no, that test date 16 days post-ET would only be the point of a lady having a missed period. So that has comforted me a bit in that we really DONT know at this stage. Plus I figured out that if a woman really did have clear signs and symptoms then pregnancy tests wouldn't need to have been invented now would they!  

Bearhug. I am gruffing everything in sight too. Have figured that it's Chrsitmas and too late to bother about any weight loss now. So mince pies and Roses chocs it is!! Been out for a lovely lunch today, officially should not need any food tonight but there's no way I'm not eating again hehe. Minus 13.5 in the car this morning - what is that all about then

Glad to hear you both sound bright, albeit crazy like me. 
Love Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Symptoms seem so wide ranging and doesn't seem to have much impact on outcome. Think symptoms must vary not only woman to woman but pregnancy to pregnancy.

Frothy - Thanks for luck for phone call. Would be great to have frosties, definitely, however to be honest, so grateful to have got this far, and embryologist just reminding us again today how lucky we are to have those blastos after only getting 8 eggs, so anything else will be a bonus. In a way, won't be the end of the world if no frosties, cuz will mean I can change clinic sooner.
Bearhug - I also eating everything in sight just same as always minus the normal exercise. I find it very easy to maintain my weight when I am active, but combination of no aerobics and not being able to go for my usual walks cuz of cold, ice and snow means I have turned into a couch potato. Going through lots of trashy magazines as well. Tesco made it here this evening so have stocked up on lots more junk food for xmas!!! Feeling happy and looking forward to xmas though and IVF drugs made me gain 2-3Kg last time and probably this time (though really not wanting to get on those scales) so figure in the scale of it the chocolate probably won't make much difference. 

Know 2ww will probably get me soon, but just feel confident about it all now has gone so well last few days. Know I been so lucky to have ICSI work before, so really due my fair share of disappointment but trying not to think about that. Really hoping works for the 2 of u as much as for me, cuz think u both seem to have gone thru so much to get here and know I already have dd and was fast tracked in first place cuz of the cancer. Fertility generally seems all so unfair. No justice in who gets pregnant and who doesn't. Anyway, thinking of u both and wishing you lots of luck. Try not to worry about symptoms. I gonna test 14 days post EC cuz that is when should show up on pregnancy test. What about u 2? U both waiting to 0TD? x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

How are you both?
Just a quick one. Clinic called and have been able to freeze 2 of the blastocysts so now have snow babies!


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

hi girls

just a quickie before our works Christmas lunch - they put one on for us every year and make a really lovely job of it, bless. So in a couple of hours I will be heading to my desk for a snooze. ANYWAY Congrats Polly, you must be thrilled - see after all that worry it has worked out okay. Just need to keep yourself busy next couple of weeks. I have been really bright this week thanks, although started with some period pains last night and thought that the end is nigh. Have written in my journal the things I must do if it works and the things I must do if it doesn't. Just don't like being left in this place of limbo feeling really desperate and upset - will give myself some time to get used to the idea then will do all the things that I haven't been able to do this year what with being in and out of hosp a lot. Anyway I shouldnt' be thinkign like that, pozzy thoughts everyone!! 

How's the snow down there? We got more on Sunday but sounds like the south is worse this time. Where abouts are you Bearhug, are you close to London? 

So here we are, all PUPO, seems ages since we started this thread and all felt really anxious about things. And what a rollercoaster it has been. Will try to log on later Ciao Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies!!!

Frothy nice to see you back hun, was getting worried last week after your post about being down and then it went quiet.  Sounds like you're keeping nice and busy. I live in Hampshire, about an hour south west of London, it's been snowing but it's not too bad on the main roads, I've been walking everywhere as I can't move my car.  I've been getting tummy pains too, no idea if it's butterflies or my brain making them up or the real thing. I'm going insane!!! Hope you enjoyed your Xmas party.

Polly that's great news on your frosties  . Thanks for you lovely wishes, wouldn't it be absolutely amazing if we got 3 BFPs, Ooo I hope so!!! We deserve it. I'm thinking of testing on DaY 14 too which will be Xmas Eve. I don't know though. Aaaaarrrrgg. I don't want to ruin things if I get anegative as my  family arrive then for Xmas. But I need to know.  

I'm going insane!!!

Hey what did you think about Stella winning


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Sorrry, didn't mean to go quiet. Sometimes bit hard to log on from the office and then I have to admit I am just plain old lazy when it comes to using the phone to email as it takes so long. Snow coming down again here, we have now had it since 24 Nov, wonder what it's like to see green grass again! Well I am feeling quite bright, am getting period pains mainly in an evening but just trying not to think too much about things, may as well enjoy the lead up to Xmas as best I can as who knows what will be coming. You are very brave Bearhug contemplating testing on Christmas Eve. Partner and I were talkign last night about when we are goign to do ours, think it will probably be Boxing Day as planned/ We haven't made many plans at all over the festive period but had a chat with mum last night and she is on standby for whatever we need (bless her) - whether that's a shoulder to cry on or a celebration so we'll just see how it goes. 

Bearhug it would amazing if we got three BFPs, a real little dream come true for us all. 

What you all doing Christmas Day? 

XX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - I have my laptop around and so just log on whenever I get bored so am on here far too often now. ff gets very addictive. Sounds like you have a lot of snow. I am in South East London and 3 weeks ago we had loads of snow and absolute chaos, this time seems we are the only place not to have it bad. Still snow, but not enough to disrupt things too much thank goodness. Frothy - sorry to hear about the period pains, but may be womb pains from implantation and expanding womb rather than period. You just can't know unless af arrives so think u r right trying not to think too much about it. Saying that, I am watching out for every sign and symptom and not getting much at all!!! Ovaries still hurt when move too fast but nothing. Anyway, wasn't expecting anything yet so will wait and see. Do whatever feels right about testing. It won't change the outcome so think whatever is easiest for you is right choice. Sounds like you have a supportive mum.

We have told both mine and dh's parents out of necessity but have said I don't want to talk about it since EC cuz has just been too emotional for me. Went to a funeral today and people kept asking me and dh when we were having another baby as they always do. Is just frustrating cuz no-one understands, but don't want to explain either so more shrugging it off. Hoping will very soon be able to tell them some good news! Agree with both you girls, would be amazing if we got 3 BFPs!!!

Christmas Day we are staying here on our own, although like you Frothy, this is more out of not feeling we have been able to plan it. Didn't want to be with other people cuz can't drink and don't feel like being with anyone either. I find it hard to hide my emotions and don't really like having to try so was happier being here. Anyway, looking forward to it cuz avoid difficulty of having to upset people from how we divide up our time over the xmas period and can have some time together. DH been working so much lately (he worked most of Sunday again after getting home very late every night and will be working over xmas holidays) that it will be nice to have more of his time and attention than if we were with other family. We did say we would try and go visit over the new year but will test on 29th and if positive then will go, if negative then probably end up putting it off another week and go for following weekend or something. What about you Bearhug?

Bearhug - Hoping pains are the real thing   Well, tell us whatever u decide to do about testing. Not sure what I would do given is choice of just before or just after xmas. So hard to wait. Thought Stella was clearly the one who deserved to win since watching the interviews so pleased for her.

Frothy - Think journal ideas of how to move forward both ways is really good thing to do but then I am quite a pessimist in that way. I always need to think through the what ifs for every possibility in life. Means I can keep functioning though so even though probably as u say best be positive, not sure I would change it. Think self-preservation sometimes has to take precedence, and the rest of the time I try and be positive!!!


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

More snow today arrggghh! Sorry to be boring talking about the weather (as us brits love doing) but tiring a bit of it all now! 

Forgot to add my bit about Stella, yes really liked her, think she really deserved to win. Did either of you watch 'The Apprentice final 5' a few weeks ago? Don't think they do it normally (or if they do have never seen before) - it was a profile on each of the last five, all about their beginnings and backgrounds and Stella's was very humbling as was brought up with not very much and has had this drive all her life to succeed. I like that kind of story. 

How you both coping with things? I continue to have period pains, mainly in an evening I must say. Not sure whether they're actually there during the day and I'm not noticing because I'm keeping busy or what but def more noticeable in the evening until 9ish. Quite a lot of ovary ache too?? Must tell myself to stop analysing cos as we all said we don't know at this stage. Work is keeping my light hearted anyway. I work in a private hospital (no we don't do IVF!) and have just been to see a consultant to give him a hamper as a thank you - anyway it was one of those really uncomfortable moments where he wasn't sure what to do so he stood up to give me a hug (I think!), I went forward and he ended up with his head kind of nuzzled in my chest hahah, oh god it's probably not funny to you both reading this but I'm giggling away at how his head was buried in my body butter greased up chest!

Sounds like DH is working very hard at the moment Polly. Think Christmas for the 3 of you sounds like a lovely idea. Nice to be able to have it at home when there are children around. Been really weird not making plans, not drinking. Am usually run down with a mouth full of ulcers and too many hangovers this time of year. The parties are pretty much over now except for in-between so just a little bit longer for us girls. 

I'm also quite a cynic and do quite often have a 'glass half empty' outlook on life but I'm also a happy go-lucky person....which sounds like a weird combination I'm sure. the older I'm getting I am adopting a bit more of a 'it is what it is' attitude to things that are chucked at us in life. Sometimes there just aren't answers and things are what they are. What a very blokey attitude you are probably thinking! Can't change the outcome of things sometimes, think that's what I mean. Definitely agree with your self-preservation comment Polly, could not have put better myself. 

Wonder how Joanne is getting on from earlier in the thread? Wonder if she has a date yet for treatment. 

Bye for now

Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hell o girlies!! Just popping in to say hello and send you big hugs, i'm out and about doing last minute shopping and then catching up with a friend so can't be on-line for long sorry

Frothy I love your messages, they put a smile on my face, this one is. like a sketch straight out of a comedy programme      I've been getting similar pains. Hope it's a sign!!

Polly I hope you get some quality time with DH soon and lots of cuddles, it must be hard him being at work a lot during such an emotional time   A close Xmas day sounds like just ejay you need x

Betta go girlies xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Lots of luck if u decide to test tomorrow.  
Hope the pains both of u been getting r good signs.
Frothy - No, didn't know it was on, would have done. But they did say quite a bit about her background on the normal programmes, and hard not to admire how she has made her own success. Liked your hugging story! I am not really a big hugger myself so tend not to go in for hugs unless I am sure they are unavoidable or with friends/family I am close to so never had that sort of moment.


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies!!! I'm back home now and wrapping a few pressies before my mum turns up, she's staying for a week. My sis arrives tomorrow. I've decided not to test early as DH is really against it. He says Xmas is cancelled if we get a BFN, he said he'll just want to stay in bed and not see anyone. We're having a big get together on boxing day too with lots of family and it's also my mum's birthday so that's not great timing either.  

The snow has almost gone here but it is absolutely freezing!

Polly is 29th your day 14 then? That's a good date to test.  How's your little one feeling about Xmas? Excited? 

Frothy I normally try the self preservation approach but this time I'm feeling scarily positive and very scared of an even bigger fall. Really really hope it's ok. What are you up to for Xmas and boxing day? I got the impression you're spending them at home with mum on standby?

Night night girlies, it's lovely to have you to talk to, you're great FF friends xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - Think that sounds like a good idea. It should be a joint decision between you and dh afterall, so if he feels it would ruin his xmas then is not worth it. Could you wait till after the get together on boxing day to test or would this be worse? Not sure any timing is good for a bfn, however would be a lovely birthday present for your mum and for u being with family if it was a bfp!

I am also feeling probably much too positive. Had not really been getting any symptoms other than very mild af type aches/pains, oh, and the ovary pains I have been getting since EC, however woke up in the night last night with af cramping, which I know other people get stressed about as a bad sign, but know I got that same time last time (night of day 8 after EC) and was pregnant. So think maybe it implantation. Kept me awake for about an hour in the middle of the night then stopped and I fell asleep. This morning feels like a dream. However, I did wake dh up and tell him about it so know I am not dreaming, he told me to try and keep still as I kept tossing and turning and not to get over positive. Think he is right, as knowing me probably is psychosomatic or something - wishful thinking. No bleeding or anything this morning and pains gone. So who knows. However, do feel much more positive now. Like you bearhug, think building myself up sets me up for a bigger fall, but I feel quite ok about things for now anyway. Knowing I have frosties helps I think cuz know should be fairly simple next tx. Think it very hard not to hope. Hoping none of us have to take that fall.  

Bearhug - My lo is too young to understand xmas yet, but she still loves fairy lights, so this is probably the highlight for her!   In fact she seems quite bored and frustrated at the moment stuck inside with me trying not to overdo things and go out too much when it was snowy and icy (tho seems better today) and all our baby activities stop over the school holidays cuz of school holiday clubs taking over the venues. She gets spoilt rotten though, she has far more presents than dh and I (sent from friends and family).

Yes, 29th is my day 14 so will test then as well as 31st which is my OTD. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Morning!! Yep I resisted the temptation this morning, I'm feeling strangely peaceful today. It's nice to have my mum around, she's in the bath and we're going to watch a film when she comes out and then go out for some tapas. My family and DH's family get together on Xmas and boxing day too, my mother in law makes a big effort and invites everyone round. Think I might even test on 27th so I don't ruin things for everyone if it's a BFN. I'm very undecided. Keep changing my mind. As long as AF doesn't arrive my bubble won't burst.

Aaa firelights must look magical to her, very sweet. I keep forgetting to put mine on as our tree is so fat!! I hope those were plantation pains hun . Is DH home today?

Frothy how are you hun? Are you getting nervous? 

xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Oh my god I can't believe how much I have missed in less than 24 hours!! How weird, I am feeling strangely positive too. Oh god, scary. Did wonder if I am getting carried away wtih the whole Christmas thing which is why I'm feeling bright. Last time I absolutely catergorically knew I wasn't. I can't explain it, I had crippling period pains, dreadful mood swings and this kind of feeling of 'opening up' down below (sorry that is probably way too much info but only way I can describe knowing I am going to come on imminently). THis time plenty of niggles down below but nothing like the feeling last time. Anyway am just figuring there is no point being a misery between now and test date because it won't change the outcome will it. 

Bearhug I'm glad my posts make you smile every now and then. I had the girls round for Secret Santa last night. We've been doing it for about 7 years now. We all pull a name out of a hat and then have a get together a few days before Christmas. By the time it comes we all know who has bought for who but all pretend we don't know. Last night was my turn to host, big buffet and I compiled a daft Xmas quiz where I made them shout out a honker sound like 'Ding Dong Merrily on High' before answering and then my friend who is dead funny I gave her Slade shouting 'It's Christmas' in a really raucous voice. We had a scream and it made me think how much I love my ladies. One of them is due her first on 20 Jan and although I feel desperately that I wish it was me I can't help but love how sensitive she has been to my feelings and she hasn't prattled on about anything. 

Remember me telling you both about some friends in the cubicle next to us in hospital? Their test day is today - I texted on Wed night to say we won't contact them on the day and best of luck. Thinking about them loads and hope they have good news. We have told our close friends that the mobile is going off for a few days after Christmas Day so that nobody feels offended if they don't hear from us. I said to DP this morning that part of me doesn't want to test. It makes whatever the result is so real. I find being PUPO quite nice in a weird kind of way, you are blissfully unaware either way unless the dreaded af makes an appearance. Does that make any sense? 

But yes, starting to feel a bit more nervous now. Quite looking forward to tomorrow actually. Nice big dinner, will eat until my eyes start slowly closing haha. Mother-in-law (to be)  reckons we're getting the Wii out - er, I don't think so. I will be horizontal on the settee watching Eastenders with a Christmas hat on my head, not playing bowling or anything - where's the tradition in that!! Wish DP had more of a sense of occasion sometimes. Think he is nervous about Sunday but I was bounding round the bedroom this morning singing 'Santa Claus is coming to town'  a la Michael Jackson and he just wasn't playing. 

Hope I manage to log on later, I'm working til about 1sh then off to my mum's for a family get togehter but will try and keep my eye on any replies. 

If not however I wish you both a very relaxing and happy Christmas Day. Will be thinking of you Bear hug on Sunday and hope that our 3 biggest dreams come true. 

Love Frothy XX


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hello everyone! sorry haven't been on for a while, just been busy, ill and too impatient to use this phone lol xx hope everyone is well? read up a little bit on what has been happening, wishing those waiting to test all the luck and fairy dust in the world! 

nothing to report this end really, we won't know any dates or plans until our appointment on 12th Jan, although i did drop in for my blood test and screening on Wednesday-Hubster was a complete wuss and said he would get his done next time when the nurse 'sprang' it on him that he needs to be screened as well.....he says he needs to psyche himself up but i thought it was funny to watch him squirm hahahaha Im so cruel! i really hope Ive managed to lose enough weight by then, according to my scales i have, but when i was weighed at the hospital (for something different) a couple of weeks ago i weighed 2 kilos heavier than on my scales, but about the same as the Cfl scales when they weighed me back in October! and i know i have definitely lost weight!


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

see what i mean about the phone?! wouldn't let me type anything else in the above message! 

anyway just wanted to wish everyone a very merry Xmas, hope you all get the presents and BFPs you deserve! 

lots of love and best wishes, Joanne Xxxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Joanne - Long time no see. Sorry to hear you have been ill. 12th Jan is my birthday so hope it is lucky day for u too! Your poor hubby, surely he should have guessed this tho! My dh did same thing, doctor said "have we tested you this time?" and dh said "No, but sure it is the same as last time and so we will have to use the frozen sperm anyway" and she let him get away with it!!! Wasn't that happy with him, cuz know it is unlikely fertility will suddenly come back (cuz of chemo) think worth testing every so often cuz u never know, do u? Oh well. He didn't see it that way. Blokes don't realise how easy they have it, do they?! Sure it was their scales. Sure you can tell from your clothes that you have lost weight. I always find that frustrating how different scales are from one GP/doctor to another. Also, how different they are from what my scales say, however I know I always cheat and weigh myself naked at the beginning of the day! This tx nurse asked me if I weighed same as last tx and I said yes, at the beginning of a day but not at the end! Good luck for your appointment in January.
Frothy and Bearhug - Think it is a good sign we are all feeling so positive and with no sign of af then maybe there something in it. Sure niggles gotta be embryo snuggling in to make itself little more cosy Frothy.
Frothy - Glad u getting into the xmas spirit. Hope your friends get their BFP today, tell us if they get in touch with u. I definitely feel same, even now don't feel like being with people, but after result more so if bfn. Last time when bfp though wanted to run around and tell everyone, after a few days this changed into worry for scan tho and glad I didn't until had seen a heartbeat. My friend just announced she is pregnant, had her 12 week scan yesterday. Do have somewhat mixed feelings cuz of her timing with our 2ww, however am pleased for her cuz she had a missed miscarriage early this year and only found out when she went for her 12 week scan and she had told absolutely everyone so was really heart broken over it. I feel like I have been nervous since I did first stimming injection!!! But know it gets scarier as gets closer.
Bearhug - Understand where you are coming from about being in bubble during 2ww. Almost like enjoying temporary pregnancy before anyone can take it away. Still, you clearly have more patience than me. Testing on 27th sounds like a good idea if you can wait that long but see what you feel like, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Your plan for the day sounds lovely. Enjoy it. Also, think is really nice in laws invite everyone around cuz means u don't have to choose between spending it with yours or dh parents and can have everyone together.

Have a lovely Christmas tomorrow xxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies!  Back from tapas and feeling absolutely stuffed. My mum is wrapping pressies and DH is out buying some so I'm tucked up in my pyjamas having a rest. Just tried to get a few last minute bits from Sainsbury and it was absolutely manic in there, eveyone pushing past each other like crazed lunatics.

Joanne nice to hear from you again!  That made me laugh that your hubbie had to psyche himself up, although I must confess I know what he means. I still hate blood tests.  Nice you have an appointment to look forward to in the New Year.

Frothy - Ooo your girly might sounds brilliant.  That's nice of your friend to be sensitive. I had a friend give birth yesterday and another the day before and I was quite upset about it yesterday even thought I knew they were due. But hopefully it's our turn this time.  I know what you mean about a part of you not wanting to test, my DH keeps saying the same thing   . I wonder how your friend got on.  I made a friend some months ago on this website who is lovely and she got a BFN today. I've been feeling really sad for her today and it's made me decide not to test till Monday as I'll be far too sad to join in family festivities on boxing day if it's a BFN.

Polly that sounds hard hearing about your friend, it is such bad timing.  I can't remember if I said that it happened to me a couple of weeks ago when i was out with a group of friends?  No one warned me before hand and I found out my friend was pregnant and had to hide in the toilets crying.  Awful. Also awful that your friend had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.  The first hurdle is so hard to get through it's scary to think we have lots more after.

I'm still feeling positive. I hope I'm not heading for a big fall   .

       we get 4 BFPs girlies!! xxx

Hope you have a lovely xmas day tomorrow!!


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls, bfn for us this morning. Completely crushed. Tested about 5 this morn as that's when I needed the loo and decided yesterday we would just do it. Need some quiet healing time so no family festivities for us today. DP's aunty died 8am Christmas day so all in all could just bury self in diver and not come out!
Wishing you all the very best though and really hoping bearhug and polly that you get your special pressie x x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

THat should have said duvet not diver!


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Frothy I'm really, really, really sorry hun, that's really sad news                . It's a good thing you didn't make lots of plans for today so you don't have to pretend to be ok. I'm sorry hun, wish I could do something. We've decided to test tomorrow as we have even more family to see today and    don't want to see anyone if it's a BFN. Dreading it. I'm so sorry hun xxx.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Thanks for your lovely words Bearhug. Know you are thinking of us, just a cruel world sometimes isn't it. Just put phone down from mum, feel utterly numb and like I don't know how we'll go on but we've been here before and we bounce back. Think it's time to put ivf to one side for a little while though. Much as we want a family more than anything in the world I think there's only so much my little mind and body can take at the minute.
Hope my messages haven't left you anxious for tomorrow. Keep in touch when you feel up to sharing your news x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy -     Really sorry to hear that. When I logged on here saw there were a few posts and really hoping one of you had already got your bfp. Also sorry to hear about dp's aunt. Seems like you have had a lot to take in within 24 hours. Not surprised you are feeling numb right now. Know there nothing I can really say but we are both here if you want to talk/shout/scream. Will be thinking of u.  
Bearhug -     For testing tomorrow. Hope u have a good time today with your family and manage to distract yourself from thinking about it.
AFM - Emotional. Argued with dh yesterday and made up but I am so reactive. Can see me getting angry about stupid things again today. Trying not to and to stay level cuz stress gonna get me no-where.

Still, right now just thinking about you Frothy and hoping u r cope ok today. Do try again in the new year year, especially if your clinic or another clinic have some ideas about how to change your protocol for u, however for now think u r right, makes sense to give your mind and body a bit of a break. Take care of yourself.


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

I know what you mean, the whole thing is so stressful and really unfair when you get to the end and nothing comes out of it. IT'S SO UNFAIR!! I think you should try and have a really top night out with your lovely friends, they sound really nice so you are lucky in that respect. And try and get lots of hugs of DP. I'm really sorry. Yes i'm feeling scared about tomorrow, much better to delay it though as only my mum and DH will be here by then. I'm sorry hun           

Polly keep going hun, it's an emotional time for both of you so he's probably a bit tense too.

xxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies. I couldn't hold out any longer and tested earlier. I've got a BFP this morning. 

I feel bad Frothy I'm so sorry, didn't want to go on here earlier but didn't want to keep putting it off either. Big hug  hun xxx

Hi Polly hope you've had a more relaxing day today hun xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hi ladies, just thought i would pop in and see how everyone is doing.....bearhug that is fabulous news! Im over the moon for you! 

Frothy- so, so sorry hun, i don't know what to say xx sending (((hugs))) to you xx its just so awful to have to go through all this and for it not to work! thinking of you hunni xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug -       So happy for u!!! Big congratulations! You must be over the moon! How r u  feeling? How did dh react? Glad it finally worked out for u. Shows just cuz doesn't work first time worth keeping going - admire you for having picked yourself up over again and got to this point and really pleased it has worked for u.

I have been a bit crazy today. Cried over breakfast for no reason other than being emotional and baby keeping me awake most of night cuz she has a cold, and dh asleep still cuz he tired from her keeping us awake so felt on my own. Not that I am complaining about her, cuz so grateful to have her, and she usually great sleeper and doesn't get up till 8 - 8:30am so am very lucky. Then again, that was no real reason, cuz cried about 5 more times during day. Saying that, feel more emotional than negative, cuz been feeling generally positive still. Keep talking as if we will actually have this baby and of course our odds still only 50% so in reality as much chance won't as will. Hoping, hoping, hoping...

How r u Frothy? Do keep posting if it helps u to talk, otherwise understand if u want to disappear for a bit. Will be thinking of u...

Hello Joanne. How r u? Did u have a good xmas?


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Bearhug, massive congratulations and I genuinely mean that - in fact it gives up hope not to give up, must have been an amazing feeling!! You enjoy it love XX 

I am pretty lifeless and not in a great way but thanks for your lovely messages girls. Just need some time to grieve and heal together. To add insult to injury we found out yesterday that our friends who we had seen in hospital got a positive. They were just saying a few days earlier that they weren't sure they could go through it again. It's not their fault but god it's hurting us. 

Will log on again soon, well done again Bearhug and good luck for the 29th Polly XXX


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## justone (Sep 10, 2010)

Hi Frothy. I am so sorry for you.   You're in my thoughts and prayers!   I just wish there was something I could say or do to make things a bit better for you.   
Hi Bearhug. I am so pleased for you.   You're also in my thoughts and prayers.   Look after yourself. 
To all my ICSI friends lots of    and   .


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Frothy I can totally understand how bad it must feel to have friends at home gt a BFP when you've had bad news. I'm so sorry hun, it's like adding insult to injury. I've had that happen to me so many times before I've lost count. IT'S SO UNFAIR!!!  I think I will be scarred for life! Big big hugs hun             . And thank you for your best wishes.

Polly, I know the 2ww is sooooo stressful I'm not surprised you're feeling emotional.  The lack of sleep doesn't help. But you are doing great keeping positive. Hope you are getting a bit of support from DH and a few cuddles.      . Thank you. DH was super thrilled. I was crying my eyes out before I did the test as I was so stressed out about the thought of not testing and DH really didn't want to test with family around. When I did the test I was still crying my eyes out and it didn't really sink in.

Hi Jo thank you for your message.  Hope 2011 brings you some nice things     . It's not long for your consultation now is it   

Hi Briege!  Nice to hear from you hun. Thank you also and a hug back to you too


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hi everyone, hope you are all enjoying the holidays

Polly-yeah we had a good Xmas thanx, hope you did too xx 

bearhug-yes its coming ever closer, starting to feel real now!!! i keep reading the info the clinic gave us over and over again lol-Im so nervous already! 

Im gonna have to either stop eating these chocs or give them to the Hubster though, otherwise the weight Ive lost will all go back on and they won't start tx at all!  

if i reach for those chocs you will all gave to shout at me!!! hahaha

Joanne Xxxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Polly how are you getting on hun? You ok?

Joanne, leave those chocolates alone   he he, I'm onto cakes now  

Hi Frothy


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

bearhug you're too late! i had 3 Brazil nuts and a vanilla cream! but that's over the whole day so that's alright.....! hahahaha

hope everyone is ok this evening, Ive just had a lovely long bath with my new 'soap and glory' stuff-may as well make the most of it while i can, because when Im pregnant or have a little one running around i won't be able to!  pma all the way!!!

Joanne xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Joanne - That is what husbands are for - to watch baby while u have long relaxing bath!!! But yes, I am missing hot baths already from 2ww!
Bearhug - I am doing ok. Just feeling stressed about testing tomorrow. Feel like putting it off now cuz don't want to know, but know that won't achieve much either cuz would have the same problem just 2 more days away, and don't think I can put it off knowing should know with reasonable accuracy tomorrow. And at least if bfn is still small chance. Anyway, I feel like I have got too obsessed over this result, cuz is not the end of the world if not but feels like it. Think 2ww has been harder for me this time cuz am at home with lo and have nothing to think about all day except babies and IVF so does feel like it means everything, whereas before my job (primary teacher) was very good distraction cuz kind of job u do get completely absorbed in. Last time worried about calling in sick and trying to get to work on time after blood tests so had less time and energy to worry about result. Anyway, could talk all night (as u probably know from my posts over last few weeks) but basically I am stressed but in a way will be glad to have test over with. That way I can move on. Hoping to post up good news tomorrow, fingers crossed.


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Good luck for tomorrow Polly!!!    

Joanne that's not too bad a all hun, well done!

Night girlies xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls just logged on to say good luck for this morning Polly, really hope it's a positive. Just getting ready for work, prob good place for me to be as not been great and will prob benefit from a bit of routine. Will log on later this morn for more of a catch up xx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Well was a bfn for me this morning. Really thought it would be positive but mainly based on the fact that it was last time I think. Thought it would be too good to be true. Anyway, will test again Friday but used first response so know extremely unlikely to change and trying to get my head around it but hard to look forwards not backwards. Still, only been an hour so not gonna give myself hard time over that! Hoping can start FET soon and really want them put both in but think it unlikely they will let me. Those 2 not as quick develop as 1 put in so really think less chance with them and with it being FET cycle, but FET cycle worked for u bearhug so know can happen. One step at a time. Hope u girls ok this morning. Sorry u not doing too well Frothy. Hoping the work routine helps.


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

I'm sorry Polly hun         . I had three good blasts this year and they put the best one back in May and it failed yet a got a BFP with one if the two slower ones. You still have every chance with your next one. Also it's a lot less stressful doing a frozen cycle. Our CGH consultant told us that in Japan they don't do transfers after fresh cycles, they do frozen ones a few months after once people's bodies have recovered. Will still   for Friday xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Oh darling I'm so sorry. I share your pain completely. You are not alone. What a devastating day for you. Take things slowly, I'm 3 days on and although I wake up every morning feeling utterly black and sad as the days go on I seem to be just that bit better. Us girls who have gone through IVF are made of strong stuff! Don't make any big decisions over next few weeks, one day at a time. I still haven't seen anyone since Boxing Day, phone has been off, although I texted on Tues to let our close friends know and then switched phone off again. Feel I need to be solitary and in my own little world at the minute. DP has not left my side for 3 days and has been an absolute rock. Funny how we're at our best when faced with crisis. 

Bearhug how you feeling love? Have you told anyone yet or are you hanging on for a bit? Bet you are on cloud nine and so you should be! Did I tell you that DP was hovering over my shoulder when I wrote the other day - he read your history bit and it gave him absolute hope to carry on when he saw this was your 5th go. You go girl, not one to give up!

Joanne, your message about the chocs made me laugh. Don't think we have had a proper meal since Christmas Day. Picking at this and that when we feel like something, The thought of cooking at the minute just a big turn off so it's been take out or chocolate all the way and DO NOT CARE!! 

Am doing okay at work. A handful of people know but I got my office bud to text them in advance to say please don't ask me anything or give me any sympathetic looks as I won't be able to cope. Just need to carry on as normal as even a hug from someone will set me off. 

Polly, do what you need to do over the coming days/weeks. 

Love Frothy XX


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

morning ladies, (((((hugs))))) to everyone, especially Polly and Frothy.... 

Hubster is off to work today, Im so bored already!!! and i only got out of bed 45 minutes ago....! feel like such a lazy mare, but Im waking up loads in the middle of the night with this stupid cold lol-so that's my excuse, ha! 

what is everyone up to today then? 

Joanne xxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Morning girlies.  Glad you are back at work Frothy that should take your mind of it.  I've just updated my history actually as I hadn't updated it since the car crash in October (which is why my October cycle got cancelled).  It's actually my 6th attempt with the cancelled october cycle!  I count the April ICSI & CGH as an attempt as well as I had to take all the medication and would have had a Day 3 transfer if I had less than 6 embryos.  Because I had 9 they let them go to Day 5 and then they couldn't transfer one as CGH takes a couple of days minimum to carry out so they had to be frozen. We knew this dilema when we started the cycle and I tried to get a Day 3 one transferred anyway but we were told it would be high risk of being abnormal which absolutely devestated me.    Yep it's been one of those really demanding years and to be honest I still can't believe I've just got a BFP.  I'm really worried that something is going to go wrong any minute, I'm still knicker watching and doing a pregnancy test every day   . We've told our parents and a couple of close friends that gave me support during the cycle. DH didn't talk to anyone during the cycle and now wants to tell the world but I've asked him to hold out till the scan just in case something is wrong.  

Polly again I'm sorry hun, keep positive for 2011 and give your litle ones lots of cuddles and remind yourself that you know it will work for you as it already has before.    

Joanne I'm having a lazy day too, just been pottering about in bed looking up holidays on the internet and eating xmas cake. Mmmmmm. Might pop to town this avo and have a look at the shops 

xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - How long were u told u had to wait between IVF cycle and FET cycle? Also, did u choose to have only 1 frostie put back at a time or were u not given a choice? Thanks. Can understand the worry but the biggest hurdle in IVF is definitely getting that BFP so from here the odds very much in your favour. You definitely deserved that BFP after all u have been thru. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Polly my clinic tends to ask people to wait three cycles. I was a bit desperate and they agreed to let me wait 2 cycles as long as AF arrived on time both cycles which would prove my body was back to normal..which it did. They also offered medicated and natural. Having done both I prefer medicated as it's predictable and easier to plan around work, and it worked! xxx

Big hugs to you both Polly and Frothy


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

Xmas cake in bed?! that sounds fab! hahahaha Ive spent the day tidying up - unbelievable how much hair comes off two cats- and trying not to eat the chocolates!!! ......Im sure its not coincidence that when i type 'eat' into my predictive text it comes up as 'fat'.....! lol 

Joanne xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - How r u doing today?
af arrived for me last night which felt sad but at least it is closure I guess. Girls on my clinic thread think standard to put in 2 frosties at a time anyway, so if that the case will stay with them and do FET with my frosties, probably in March. Trying to focus on that now. Find it helpful to be moving forward anyway.
Bearhug - Do u have a date for 1st scan yet?
Hello Joanne. I also have 2 cats and agree about the fur but mine not malting at the moment. Much worse when they are.  At the moment they just lie around and sleep all day, preferably on me or by a radiator. They can go out but when it is cold they are softies and like to stay inside and cosy.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

I'm doing okay thanks, how are you? I found work hard going yestrday - was utterly lifeless and had no energy so at 2ish my colleague suggested I nip away early and she would cover my butt if any calls came through for me. What a gem. So I went over to see my mum who I haven't seen since Christmas Eve. Came home to DP in the kitchen cooking up some Gordon Ramsey delight and a homemade mojito so that put a smile on my face and I vowed to have a stronger day today. In tonnes of pain, in fact am thinking of starting a new thread to get some advice from people with similar symptoms as it's just not right, know it's not. Don't think clinic seem to get the discomfort I am in at time of the month, is not even AF pains particularly, it's this mass on my left hand side which goes right the way around my hip and back and sits there like a painful dull ache and makes me want to rip everything out sometimes. 
On the whole today feeling bit brighter but still suffering from the energy slugs, maybe it's the Quality Street I am eating for breakfast at the minute, not exactly nutritious lol. 
March will be here in no time, I always think after Christmas it's 6 weeks til Valentines Day and by then the nights are getting that bit lighter and spring starts to rear its head so get yourselfl through these winter days and heal yourself from yesterday's bad news. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. 

Did you get to the shops then Bearhug and any sale stuff out there? We've decided on a little project to revamp the lounge so have ordered a new suite, carpets and telly - sounds a bit impulsive but it was the plan so thought why not. 

We've got a cat too, he's happy now the snow has gone, looked like bambi on ice when he went outside. Talking of which did anyone watch the Polar Bear Spies on Ice docu last night? Fantastic! 

Love to you all
Frothy X


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

Aaargh!!!!! yet another flippin reply eaten by the stupid fone! that's the second one today! 

hope you are all well, not gonna type too much cos it just gets eaten, so I'll wish you a happy new year!!!! lol

Joanne xxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies!! I know how hard and horrible it all is, I'm sorry    . I found it hard imagining carrying on and getting BFNs but just tried not to think about it and focussed on fun things and holidays in between treatments to get my energy back. Frothy it sounds like a great plan doing your front room up, good to keep busy. Polly I think that's great, March isn't too far away, I just had 1 transferred as it was a blast, they don't like transferring 2 blasts at mine, I was happy with that though. Joanne I'm on my mobile too so also sending a short message, have you finished your chocies? I'm on amareti biscuits now, got 3 big packs for xmas. We're off to Cornwall with friends, in the car as I type. Planned it months ago as we stopped planning things around treatment earlier in the year (keeps us sane)...i'll probably be the only sober person out but DH has promised he won't get too ****** so i'm still looking forward to it. Got a few bits in the sales but didn't have long as I didn't get out of bed till 3!! Ooops

Happy New Year Girlies!!! Hope 2011 is good to us all


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Bearhug, thanks, know you know what it is like also. Did they change your tx plan much in between each one? Think they thought that my tube removal would fix our problem but sadly not the case - our fresh cycles have been pretty much the same and a mirror of each other so interested to know whether there was much change in yours and how they approached your cycles. Feel still at a loss to getting answers at the minute but it's probably too early to be asking too much as sure in time things will look a bit more rational and we wont' be quite so bam bam bam with wanting answers. 

Have a wonderful break in Cornwall, sounds fab. Never mind being sober, you won't have a thick head on NY Day!

Happy new year everyone, hope it's a good un. 
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Hope 2011 brings us all lots of good luck, health and happiness!

I have follow up booked for 1st Feb. Nurse said should be able to start pill after next bleed if I go in and ask doctor to give permission so should be able to start d/r for FET end of Feb which would be great and said if I insist should also be able to get them put in both blastocysts which I know risk but I feel worth it given best did not implant. Really hoping it works out and also that Frothy, u also making plans start again soon in 2011. Sometimes just get unlucky. U think even if 50/50 (as was given to us) that still means on each tx half couples get unlucky even if no problems so worth persevering.

Also, please keep me updated on pregnancy progress Bearhug. So glad u got ur positive.

Hello Joanne. Hope u r well and having a great evening. x


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

happy new year everyone! hope you all had a good one! think i drank enough for us all.....but that was my last one before tx so that's my excuse lol x bit delicate this morning i have to say, so Im off back to bed x night!!!Xxxx


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## Catb33 (Aug 1, 2006)

Happy New Year. I hope 2011 brings you everything you dream of. 

Cath x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Same here Joanne! Then lo woke up at 5:30am and had to go into her (she gets herself stuck in the corner of the cot and can't get back!) and then she was ready to get up at 8:15am (even when I was not) so am a bit tired too but starting feel less hungover anyway. Giving blood tomorrow - last time I did it the blood wasn't going into bag properly and couldn't get the pint, it all went into a huge bruise across my arm instead, which put me off, however figured after blood tests everyday on tx then should be able to handle it and know is good thing to do. Today going to take it easy.
Thank you Cath. I hope 2011 is a fantastic year for all of us.


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - How r u? Hope af pains have eased up a bit. Sorry the doctors aren't much help with it. Hopefully next tx u will get pregnant and then breastfeed and will therefore have a year and a bit off from it!


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

OMG Polly i was just going to bed at 5.30 lol x have just about recovered now, been taking down the decorations  and tidying up all day-Hubster has done absolutely zilch apart from play on his fone and whinge all day about EVERYTHING! I swear Im gonna throttle him before this day is over! 

hope everyone else is well! 

Joanne xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

My hubby driving me bit crazy cuz he is the one going to bed at 3 or 4am every night when he has day off next day (BH or wkend) this xmas and rolling out of bed at 11am and I have not had a lie in for a month or two so starting to get a bit frustrated but can't really make him get up for baby when he has hardly slept after going bed so late!!! Vicious circle, eh?! He is trying to apply for Oxford masters at the mo in economics which he really wants to do, only he does not have a degree in economics so not convinced he is going to get very far with it, but he persevering with application process. Hoping if it is what he wants to do then he can use charm or something to persuade them?! Hmm... We should also take the xmas decorations down, but will probably wait till the 6th cuz I quite like them up. Hope ur dh survived the throttling Joanne.
How u Bearhug? BFP sunk in yet? Don't think my clinic like putting in 2 blastocysts at once even tho are frosties either, but I believe is the right thing to do given were little slow, may not survive the thaw, and best one didn't take. Plus means can leave my clinic sooner if doesn't work. We'll see what they have to say at the follow up.
Frothy - Have u considered changing clinic? They may have different ideas to your clinic or prefer different protocols that might be more suited to u. I know u don't live in London but have u considered maybe doing tx at one of the London clinics and just staying here during stimming? It is when I look on HFEA stats and see they have double the success rate then start thinking maybe worth it emotionally and financially, but that personal choice, I don't know how u feel about it or what clinic u r currently at or if u have the funds at the mo. Whatever u do next, don't give up cuz u only had 2 tx, u can't make assumptions on ur response to tx when u only had 2, especially if u been at same clinic for both, but might be worth making a change if u got similar response to both and was at same clinic? I don't know. Anyway, do log in cuz want to know how u r.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls!

Happy new year to my FF's! Sorry been AWOL for few days, just spending bit of time at home, bonding and getting stronger. Managed a night out on NYE, was very proud of self as during the day on the 31st I felt pretty disastrous. It was good to get dressed up, hair done and heels on and just told myself to treat it like a normal Friday night and not get emotional. Midnight struck and one of my friends hugged me and I thought oh god I'm going to go, I'm going to cry so I just kept hold of her tight until I had composed myself enough to let go. What a lightweight I have turned into though, I was tipsy after 3 vodkas and only managed 3 more - gone are the days of throwing back 16 and going 'eeeh I can't even feel it' haha, oh god I sound a right alcy, that's back in my 20's may I add! 

Haven't really given things much thought as yet Polly, kind of need to get over this try I think before making any big plans. Just the way I need to do things. Need some time off from barging into next tx because it's been a hell of a 15 month slot, with 2 operations and 3 treatments, just feel need to be myself for a little while. Going to see how my review appt goes and I am armed with a list of questions already then will possibly look at other options. We have one more NHS try as we are very lucky in this locality that we have 3 funded goes. Not sure where we go after that. Not thinking about whether we need to pay privately yet as that time isn't here yet (and hoepfully won't come to that). 

Have some nice things coming up, going to have a night of pink fizz and giggles with a close friend in Newcastle end of Jan and got a comedy night with some other friends in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to getting my personality back (know that sounds totally drastic but I think I have been a bit dead behind the eyes lately). 

That sounds really exciting about your DH Polly, bit of a brain box you've got there haha

Glad to hear everyone is doing okay and keep in touch love Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Well done for going on a night out and it sounds like u glad u did. I was definitely not up for that at the time. Understand u not wanting to make any big plans at the moment. Do what u need to do. I like to feel like I am doing something, and always need to have the next plan in place, but that is just me and know it probably better to sometimes stand still for a bit and appreciate where I am in life and what I have. When is your review appointment? It is great u have another funded go when u r ready tho. Here we only had 1 funded cycle. Sounds great u making plans with friends over the next month. Hopefully that will help to lift your spirits. Know what u mean about getting your personality back - I feel that way too. My dh is much too clever, it is a bit annoying, he won an award last year for the top score in the world in 1 of his accountancy exams, then next round of exams he got 2nd highest in the world and was disappointed!!! Lol! He not so enthusiastic on the whole accountancy thing tho and really just wants to find a way out that suits him and still makes a well paid career. I have been helping him edit and refine his personal statement for the last 2 evenings which is bit strange as it like going back to my days at Uni and editing my essays (I always used to have to spend ages on this because I have never ever managed to write an essay within the word limit first time - so have to keep going back over to cut down and he used to help me). BTW - u go to Newcastle a lot? When I doing PGCE at Durham always used to go there for the shopping and think is a great city.


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies! Glad you are both focussing on the future, that's great  . I've been getting home really tired and going straight to bed! Feel like sleeping as I type. Think I got used to sleeping lots over the xmas holidays. I had a nice relaxing break.away. I must confess I did feel weird being sober!  I've got my scan on Tuesday, thanks for asking. Feeling really nervous in case it's an empty sack, have heard if two cases of that lately and it's made me really worried. Fingers crossed! 

Polly your DH sounds like a superbrain! Do you know when yoy might start again?

Frothy, a few nights out will do you the world of good, and don't worry about shedding a few tears, it's good to get in out

Joanne how are you doing hun? You must be starting soon?


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - May well be the pregnancy making u so tired. Hope u didn't go to sleep at ten to four tho! Glad u enjoyed ur break. Good luck for your scan. I know it does happen, but much more likely it will all be fine, so best not to worry about all the bad possibilities else u will spend ur whole pregnancy worrying (at each stage there is always something to worry about). Try to enjoy it. Sure seeing heartbeat on the scan will be really magical moment for u and dh.
Trying to get cancellation but not getting anywhere. Nurse called back Tuesday and said go on pill straight away and didn't know why other nurse told me otherwise so am on that now but my appointment not till 1st Feb and on pill means should get af on morning 28th so really bad timing cuz u need to get go-ahead on follow up before can start on day 1 next af I think. Can't figure out a way to talk to doctor to get the ok before that to register day 1 end of Jan instead. Feeling frustrated. If was just a no at least then I would have to accept that wait another month, but way it is now, is really annoying me cuz is a case of me not being able to talk to anyone to ask in the first place. Anyway, if can't get cancellation will try going in and getting message to doctor somehow, but otherwise may have to wait till feb af for day 1. Will have to wait and see. Doing all I can. Been reading up on lots of research about FET with blastocysts and still feel putting both in the right for me given our blastos 1 day slow and fresh not worked and thawing of blasto issue cuz not so successful and there not being so much research and lots of controversy on how successful blasto FET is - very conflicting studies and stats on this. Even contacted 'one at a time' on it and they said just not enough research to be able to say eSET with blastos good idea or not, so for me think not worth the risk, even tho I don't want twins cuz think would be tough with my lo. Anyhow, getting myself bit back together now. Got on top of housework again, been taking lo out a lot even tho not all activities on again yet (cuz of term dates) to story telling and soft play centre I have joined for the year and we will go to the nursery rhyme session at the library tomorrow too, started doing my aerobics again and trying to get thru my book club book in time for meeting next Tues. Spent this evening taking xmas decorations down on my own (dh still at work even now!!!), earliest he ever gets home these days is 8:30pm and he doesn't get up with us in the morning either cuz he too tired so rolls out of bed without breakfast to start another day. Can't wait till he free of this contract in summer and can change companies cuz it just not funny at the moment.
Hope u all ok and going back to work hasn't been too bad after the xmas break. x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - When I am bored have a tendency to click show unread posts since last visit and have a browse of what comes up and saw u posting on Nov FET board. Wanted to say thinking of u, hoping no more scares and all is well on Tuesday.    
Hope everyone else ok. x


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Thanks Polly. I had a horrible shock bleeding in the restaurant and DH cancelled our deserts and we came straight home and had a lie down and tried to get info on the internet. I'm feeling better now I've had no more bleeding, DH is really low and worried, he thought we'd past the challenging part and hadn't thought if the next 8 months as hurdles. We have to wait till Tuesday to see if things are ok. Nervous wrecks we are!! xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Girls

Sorry got a bit behind on things this week. Am thinking of you all though. Bearhug - are you okay?? Last post made me hold my breath when I read it, I hope no more bleeding? Stick in there until Tuesday - nearly there, fingers and toes all crossed that everything okay. 

Things sounding quite stressful at home Polly, hope DH workload and hours settle soon. We do live fast paced lives don't we. Midweek my DP and I are usually like ships passing in the night - either me running an event or him teaching night class and then both have football (him) or classes (me) and it can get frustrating. It is doing me good to keep busy though. A friend had a baby boy last week and I have another friend due any day now. Feel quite anxious about it all but have got my rational head on and will do what I need to do - don't think I have got it in me to fuss around everyone but will do the polite thing and be a nice friend and pay a visit but think it will just be a short one with DP then I can probably just come home and wail and then get it all out and then congratulate myself for doing it (with a glass of wine no doubt) and keep on going. Hmmmm. Am pleased to hear though Polly that you are feeling a bit brighter. You think it will never come but it does. Slowly does it, day at a time. 

Can't remember if I said but I have had my review appt through for 28 Feb. Normally I would be on the phone hounding the secretary to get me a cancellation but for now that's okay with me. Am still writing in my journal and today I have put together a spreadsheet type thing of dates that I can mark off when I am getting my pains - may help, may not but think I am going to try and monitor things a bit in case there is any kind of pattern. I still say there is something wrong so without wanting to sound neurotic I think it is worth completing. 

I enjoyed a good drink on Thur night with my work colleagues. We were on an away day doing some training and walked down to a few pubs and the plan was to stay out til 7.30ish when DP said he woudl pick me up. Clock forward to 00.15 and I stumbled in, pretty bamboozled but having had a much needed laugh with my lovely work friends. Friday was a tad fragile but was worth it. 

Bearhug, please let us know how you are doing when you get chance. Your post shocked me so do hope everything is okay. 

Frothy X


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies!! Quick hello from me before I start work, panic is over, scan went well today and we saw little heartbeat  . Thank you for all your support and lovely messages. I spent all weekend worrying and trying not to think about it. Feel so relieved and emotional. Be back soon xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hi girls....sorry haven't been on for a while, just been kind of stuck in limbo until we know what's happening. Hope everyone is ok-sorry i haven't got time to read everything but glad all is ok bearhug! 

Our appointment is today.... mixture of nerves, apprehension, excitement, doubt.... I have lost weight, but Im one kilo - exactly! - over the target weight they set for me  do you think they will be ok with that? or will they be cruel and make me do it before they start anything? i am due on next week so maybe that accounts for the extra kilo lol

Im driving myself mad with this, wish me luck and I'll post later to let you know how i get on! Joanne Xxxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Woop woop Bearhug, so pleased, been logging on now and then to see if you had written as been thinking of you. So glad everything went well, was it a lovely feeling? 

Hi Joanne, sorry if i am too late but best of luck with your appointment - hope they haven't been too cruel with you, do they not know it's been Christmas eh?? Write when you can and fill us in on your start date etc. Loads of luck. 

I've been doing okay although had a strange moment earlier, Was chatting to a colleague (pretend work, a gossip really hehe) when another colleague came in with her new grandson who was born in October. Before I had any control over anything I just ended my conversation saying I had to go to the loo and just broke down in there. Not feeling particularly emotional or hormonal today, in fact was beginnign to think I was doing really well but it's the first baby I have seen since it all happened over Christmas and I think if I am honest I am probably more affected by things than I either realise or properly let on. All comes crashing into reality when ever I see one and still feeling so full of angst at my close friend being due in less than a fortnight. But don't wnat to become someone who can't face seeing a baby, must look so rude to people who don't know that I just make my excuses and disappear. 

We were lying in bed last nght and DP said he wants to go back to trying with dates etc in between now and next treatment. Nice that he is thinking of things but tried to explain in a very calm way that what I need right now is a healthy sex life NOT lookign at dates and knicker checking at time of month every month, feel at the minute I have been through too much of that and want to just be normal for a bit. Plus I still think he has this vision that it will still happen naturally whereas I have pretty much accepted that it won't. Sometimes get a bit frustrated wtih him for making me feel hopeful every month when in my heart I know it won't happen naturally. 

Sorry don't know where this has all come from today. Seem to have a pseronality shift whenever I come across baby talk, start feeling anxious and snappy. Think I am probably a bit more mental than I lead you all to believe haha. 

Anyway hope you are all keeping well. How you doing Polly, you okay?? 

X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - So pleased everything is ok. Was worried for u but glad it is all fine. Scan must make it feel more real now.
Frothy - Glad to hear u still getting out with friends. Can see it would be frustrating u and dh keep missing each other when out different evenings. I have read several places that so long as u having sex 3 times across a week then if is gonna happen is gonna happen. Think so long as u doing that then try and convince dh not to date watch, cuz u r right, sometimes need it to not be about that all the time but instead to be simply about connecting and feeling close to each other. Don't think ppl would think u rude when u disappear when baby arrives, think more likely they would just think u not a baby person and not think anymore of it so don't put any pressure on yourself on their behalf. Sometimes u gotta concentrate on looking after yourself, and so long as u not nasty to anyone then forget about them and what they might think. I always feel like I am a bit crazy and wonder when someone going to figure this out, however think people who think they're sane r probably more likely to be crazy!!!
Joanne - Hope the appointment went well and they didn't mind about the extra kilo. An extra kilo really isn't very much so u have done really well, especially as Frothy said, it has been xmas!!!
AFM - Nurses said should be able to backdate day 1 in effect. Still can't get cancellation and starting to feel defeated on this so probably give up and wait till 1st Feb, however they said if scan ok then can count af before apt as day 1 and just have to get everything sorted by day 21 which will be mid Feb which means wouldn't hold things up anyway. They already put me on the pill so that all sorted. So doesn't seem so long till FET now if all goes to plan. Like Frothy, I also think getting bfn affected me more than I thought it would, find it hard to have same energy and positivity generally. Is my birthday today and have planned nothing and wishing had got my act together and done something, tho is too late now cuz babysitter needed. Still, going back to Gloucestershire tomorrow cuz my sister flying in from US (we both american and british citizens and she lives out there) and we going to spend the week with family so that should be nice. May stop feeling sorry for myself and give open invite to old friends there for meal out at the weekend instead! Saying that, did make effort to get out at weekend. Went to vinopolis wine tasting tour with dh on Saturday evening which we put on hold cuz of tx, and managed to get lots of free tasters by being too chatty and got tipsy on very little when u add it all up which is probably why so chatty and hence more wine given to me - vicious circle, but was good evening and finished it off by going to wagamamas for meal. Then on Sunday went with a friend to see Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition at nhm which I really enjoyed. Also managed to read my 500 page novel in 4 days over the weekend for my book club yesterday evening which I was impressed with, tho the book I was less impressed with. Still, had lovely evening with the girls last night too discussing books and men!!! Know can't complain cuz I am still young, but think maybe would find birthday depressing anyway cuz, like a lot of women, I would like to stay perpetually 21 and each birthday reminds me that is not gonna happen!!! lol! Hope u all well.


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hiya ladies, good and bad news-i was almost there, and think they would have forgiven that.....if they hadn't written the wrong height in my notes!!!!   consequently my bmi is higher than they thought and therefore i have to lose more weight! Tbh i was expecting them to tell me to lose more weight, i just wasn't expecting it to be their fault! who'd have thought two inches could make such a difference?!  

obviously we have just had Xmas, so if you take that into account, and if i continue with the diet as i have been, i should be at my target weight before you know it!

hope you are all well, even though i don't do many personals (ruddy fone again!) Im following you all the way, and do try to read everything! ((((hugs)))) 

Joanne xxx


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hello!! Just a quick hello from me, feel.super tired in weeknights at the mo.

Frothy I've felt like that so many times hun  

Polly it doesn't seem long now  

Joanne, idiots hey!  You haven't got much to go though so keep going  

Night night xxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey girls

Happy belated birthday Polly, sounds like you had a nice weekend celebrating! Agree with Bearhug, not long at all now! Our place insisted on at least 3 months in between fresh and frozen so we had to wait until April last year after our disappointment in Dec 09, bet you feel like it is nearly here already.

How you doing Bearhug, everything still okay and have you shared the news with anyone yet? 

Joanne, oh your poor thing, I really felt for you when I read your message. What numpties!! How much do you need to lose still? 

I am doing okay, have moments when I feel very flat but others when I feel grateful for what I've got despite not having children yet. The future feels very unknown and scary at the minute so I am trying to concentrate on the here and now. Have a busy weekend planned; part of me thinking it will do me good, other part of me thinkign I will be a wreck come Sunday night and craving some time on my own! I keep forgetting how recently it really has all happened and that I am still healing mentally. 
There's still plenty of baby news flying my way that i am just having to get on with. A friend texted yeserday to say her sister has had a little girl - there just didn't seem to be any acknowledgement that I might be finding news like that hard and have also had other texts to say she was there getting her cuddle fix and then another one this morning announcing the name. And close friend due within days still in my head, worrying myself to death at losing it and now feeling I can't face to go round. Just all feels a bit unreal sometimes that I may never have that. Oh god I am getting mawdling now, must be the 1.5% Bucks Fizz I've just had cos of our Matron leaving today - note to self, stay off the gin tonight!! 

What you all up to this weekend?

XX


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

afternoon ladies! Im just chilling today, watching food network (love cookery shows!) when i really should be cleaning the house!    Ive got another half a stone to lose, shouldn't take unn long he i stick at it, but got a mahoosive chocolate craving atm....!! i night have to have one square, otherwise i will go the whole hog later and scoff loads!!! 
  

hope everyone is having a nice weekend, its blumin miserable here in Newcastle! Joanne xxx


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

flipping predictive text! Im sure you all know what i mean lol


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Hello all. I have not posted for a while cuz not really had any news what with being inbetween tx however I have been keeping up with your messages.
Joanne - Annoying u have to wait longer to start. Think ur plan good one tho, it is a good idea to have small bits of what u enjoy. I have always found it impossible to lose weight by trying to starve myself or cut things out completely (when try tend to actually put it on cuz end up binging in the evenings) and when I just try to eat healthy and exercise I lose weight quite easily so definitely have the attitude of nothing bad for u if in moderation. Think that so important not to try and cut out the pleasures in life. Not worth it. Saying that my eating healthy and exercising in preparation for tx isn't going fantastically tho I have been being better last couple days. Too much unhealthy snacking and also when away from home I can't keep to an exercise routine. Oh well. Hope u doing better than me!
Frothy - Mine may still insist on 3 months for all I know. Only been able to talk to nurses and can't confirm anything until see doctor at follow up. Now is only 2 weeks away and after a couple weeks of calling on and off throughout every day (to only get thru on phone once a day but this can take quite a long time!) I have given up so cannot know anymore until appointment. Feel resigned now but not in a very positive way. Really feel like my clinic is the enemy which not good. Also feel angry at everyone at the moment. Being stay at home mum really good and bad at same time. So much time to think and want to go back to work, but at same time know it not what I want for lo until she at least 2, and also not practical with tx and with us planning on moving in the summer.
Also been away last week to see family and sister over from US which lovely altho sleep tricky with baby with temperature and cold in different place. Miss seeing my sister, she lives out there with bf and they just bought a house.
Most my friends still not had babies yet so does make it easier for me I think. Do know how rubbish it feels tho with those I do know and now in so many baby groups where all starting get pregnant with number 2. Hope last few days not been too tough for u Frothy with any baby related news.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Ditto - sorry not been for a little bit but nice to see we are still keeping in touch. Joanne you can do it!! Not too much pressure on yourself in January, it's just a rubbish month start to end so you need a little something to keep you going. I'm not so much on the chocolate but the wine at the minute, seeming to get me through my days arrgggh! Feel a bit low today, am still on this rollercoaster where one minute feel fine, next feel like screaming or crying (am with you Polly on feeling constantly angry). Just a bit flat about the future and everything going on around me. Had a chat with colleague who I share office wtih the other day saying if I take anything out on her I really don't mean to and she just laughed and said she wouldn't take any notice of me anyway! Charming! But that's what I need, someone to not worry if I am a bit snappy.

Got back from work yesterday and DP said that the friends that had been in at the same time as us (and got a BFP, think I told you about them?) had texted him yesterday and sent a really nice note saying they wanted to get in touch with us before the news got out because they had their first scan yesterday and there is just one baby in there but everything going fine. So lovely of them to think of us but just plummeted thinking it should be us, now got to face all that news about them expecting, oh god. So yeh totally feeling I'm not coping that well at the minute. Friend is due her baby today but no signs as yet. Saw her for the first time on Sunday since our BFN and just didn't feel like  I wanted to be around her and just can't find the effort to gush and for it to look genuine. Feel such a bitter twisted cow!! She must have noticed because she sent me an email on the Monday saying she doesn't expect anything of me and DP and that when the baby comes we don't have to feel like we need to go round, it was such a lovely email, I feel bad that my friends are probably wondering how the heck to handle me at the minute. Hoping it will get better and that I've still just not dealt with the last tx yet. 

Oh Joanne by the way I hope this isn't depressing you love,  you must wonder what you are getting into but I promise you it's exciting times! Polly you mentioned moving - you staying in this country still? 

Well got tonnes to do here so best get on. Bearhug how are you, everything still going okay??

Talk soon girls

Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Hope u r feeling less low today. Know the feeling about the emotional roller coaster.

I am doing bit better at the moment though due to buying new house plants, a new pet hamster who we have named George and who is very cute and looking into a holiday end of March which is perhaps not so wise cuz of FET, but figure dates with FET more negotiable and once set shouldn't change so hoping can work around it. Not big holiday anyway cuz we not got lots cash at the moment for obvious reasons, however DH not been allowed any leave since August so wanted go away somewhere so going to glamorous rural Wales for a week. Still, I am really looking forward to it. Also only just over a week until follow up so doesn't seem like so long anymore, and also enjoying my wine in the meantime. Taken up exercise again and depressingly put on weight which I always do when I exercise cuz I build up muscle which does make it seem a bit pointless - I do mainly aerobics but some bums and tums. Watched that will ur crash diet kill u programme and actually quite tempted by the maple syrup diet! lol  

Frothy - Think so long as u feel u not coping well then u aren't doing so bad! Think it only when u don't realise and sink under that u have a real problem so sure it will get better over time. Sure it is tx - it is so life changing and so important to ur life it does take over ur emotions to get bfn. However definitely think u should look into other clinics when u feel up to it cuz make u see r other options. Also maybe try immune testing if u think may be issue, so many girls on here swear by it altho it is expensive. Anyway, sure u have ur own ideas and ur follow up will also help see things more clearly and hopefully help see best way forward for next tx. Yes, we staying in the country but dh doesn't like his job and will be free change in summer so will move to wherever he finds job he wants. We only got 2 bedroom maisonette at the moment so would like bigger home so makes sense move further out of London whatever. Weird that altho my sister and I both dual citizens seems like she got all the american and I got all the english. Can't imagine feeling at home over there - they all way too cheerful!!! Lol

How r u Joanne and Bearhug?


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey Polly

Thanks for your lovely words. Am feeling a lot brighter today thanks. Am on here from home as the carpet is getting fitted as I type - yes the splurge that we had between Christmas & New Year is finally getting put in! New settee on Thurs so that should be nice. Had a mammoth cleaning session yesterday, I always find cleaning bathroom good thinking time so I had a good scrub (hell how did it get so dusty!) and a bit of time in my own thoughts. Yes you're probably right, as long as I acknowledge that I am not coping that well  - better than going under and everyone around you seeing it but you not. 

Your week away sounds lovely, lots of fresh air and countryside - is good for the soul! I can't wait for spring to come, get out on the bikes and just generally feeling like this long winter is on its way out for another couple of seasons. Quite mild here today though and very bright. I too have started exercising again, am using muscles I forgot I had. Think that makes you feel better too. Looking back to Nov/Dec with all the tests and tx it seems a bit of a blur - do you know what I mean? 

My friend still hasn't had her baby so that is kind of hanging over me - silly I know but keep thinking every time I look at my mob there will be a message or a missed call. Have mixed feelings about it all, very excited for her new life as a mum but should be us too. Oh well, nothing I can do. Thanks for the advice re clinic, to be honest wtih you not really sure how to go about researching and what to be looking for. We are at  James Cook as it is our closest place and I think is known for being quite a good facility for IVF. Haven't really thought about much more so any advice any of you could offer is welcome. We are going to have a chat to the consultant at the end of Feb about immune tests, again don't know much about them but agree it's definitely worth a conversation about. The nurses always joke that I am on the ball, well I'd rather be like that than not understanding, although compared to some of the people on here I would say I am not very up on what's what in this area!! 

Anyway will go and make the workmen a cup of tea. Glad you're enjoying your wine Polly, I too am enjoying a few bevvies too - in fact am wondering how I didn't drink for so long haha. We went to see a comedian on Sat night and DP had had a few and started heckling in the audience, oh god I wanted to die but then thought what the heck get me another vodka in haha.

lots of love
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - What does the carpet look like? Must be lovely transforming ur home. With our house we had to do everything when we moved in -repipe, re-wire and replaster whole kitchen then put new kitchen in, new boiler, knock down wall, new carpets and flooring throughout, knocked out old gas fires and fire places and alcoves, new bathroom, new front door and window, shelves and built in cupboard (dh now has shelf obsession which I constantly having to reign in!), redesigned garden and had decking put in over old cracked patio, redecorated throughout including having to steam off a lot of woodchip in the middle of July on my own cuz dh chemo then and almost died in heat!!! Knocked out other doorway. Trying remember all now!!! Had crazy weekend doing manic tiling of floors and whole bathroom in time to get glass screen drilled in on the Monday! We had nightmare builder for 3 months and was really slow and kept hitting on me whenever I home despite me keeping knocking him back, when we went get married had not had working bathroom for 2 weeks and I remember getting back week later and still no working toilet and burst into tears! We lived in one room for several weeks with one of those portable hobs and a microwave and used bathroom at work. Hmmm... that was not meant to be negative, laugh at it now, but now this house is so much our own, it our first proper home (we rented student house and run down apartment in Sydney before and so had get all new furniture too) and we made it all our own so feel attached now. So nice when u can choose everything urself and make it your own.

Not sure I would agree about bathroom cleaning, but then I try to do all chores in Isla's 2 hour lunchtime nap so always rushing around trying to get things done. She won't let me do things when she up cuz always wants to come too, to be cuddled or picked up and tantrums if ignore her or shut her out of a room so never think it worth it (I am too soft!), plus don't want her around cleaning chemicals anyway. I could do them in the evening but that is my thinking and relaxing time so don't want to give that up!!! I am still going with the exercise. Agree with you about spring - I also love summer. It is definitely the sunshine - I miss it so much! I find it very hard not to feel happy when the sun is shining. Yes do know what u mean about the tx - a stressful blur!!! Though counting down to follow-up and dreading getting started again but also cannot wait.

Has your friend had her baby now? Not sure will feel much better when she has until all has calmed down about the birth, but know then u can start to try and accept it rather than waiting. I always find waiting harder than anything else. With cancer that drove me crazy too, and still does, u never really relax about it and dh paranoid about everything so gotta admit now I read his hospital letters to keep track of all the tests rather than asking him direct because he won't tell me himself without direct asking and doesn't like talking about it. Pretty certain he knows this and prefers it this way cuz I either stress or think he stressing over nothing, neither response is very helpful for him and he not kind of person who likes talk so can't really support him that way either. Anyway, waiting is something I not good at with cancer, IVF, queues, the post, anything really.... so can understand be better when baby is born cuz then can move on. It will be you too, just takes some people longer than others to get there. U have enough time on your side, know u will get there.

From my clinic and me know doesn't always work that way with good or bad facility - my clinic seems great with standard responses but not so good with women who under- or over-respond (like me), so success rate stays about average, but that doesn't really tell the whole story. Also their success rates and reputation boosted cuz they take a lot of pgd patients and have really pushed forward research with eSET. When researching London clinics also realised other clinics same - have strengths and weaknesses, for example ARGC the best but u have to go in twice a day for bloods and have much higher chance twins cuz always at least 2 blastos put in if available so may not suit a lot of people and higher risk pregnancy a lot of time. They also particularly pride themselves on difficult cases - women who have had lots of failed tx elsewhere and they go out of way to work out why and how get pg this time with incredibly thorough testing and consults - so very good for this. Whereas Lister has reputation for being great with older women or those with high amh. So think it worth looking around and finding out more. Apparently lots of women swear by Dr Gorgy in London for immune tests as he is very thorough with them and relatively cheap compared to what the IVF clinics charge (he is independent and then forwards on the results to your clinic). Anyway, have a think about steps forward, but do take a step forward when u feel ready and don't just trust what your clinic says, do your own research and do go to a couple of open evenings for other clinics as well or have a consultation to see what they have to say. If u have a consult u r still under no obligations. Don't know if u have to stay with James Cook if u still have funded tx left tho. Would be worth asking ur GP. Agree about being on the ball, my clinic try to push us around and been able to argue things by knowing more so has really been worth the research.

Know the feeling about the drinking - when I was doing tx I was thinking - I had a window of 3 months to drink after 2 years of not drinking (stopped in preparation for tx, then pregnancy then breastfeeding) and wondered why I didn't make more of that!!! Now have more time can drink - will reduce to 5 units a week if given go ahead for d/r then stop for d/r and onwards but still am far too sensible and haven't had more than a large glass (or equivalent) of wine since went to vinopolis and was complete light weight - 3 weeks ago now! Lol Still, having a glass most nights (with 2 nights a week alcohol free) - I am too much of a good girl so feel guilty if go over the government recommended daily and weekly limits and actually don't want more, so thinking that probably good sign am doing ok now. As for the diet, hmm... getting better but not fast. Have changed our evening meal menu (tend to have about 8 things cook so makes shopping easy) so all are suitable for lo so she can eat what we eat but this means cooking takes longer cuz trying new recipes, and I am exercising after putting lo to bed at 7 to 7:30 so only start cooking 8:00 or bit after so eating late and snacking in the afternoons. Also I still have chocolate left over from xmas and my birthday sitting beside me on coffee table which too tempting. Should also move the biscuit tin somewhere I can't see it! Lol

Signed up to 'the week' after realising had no idea what has been going on in the world the last few months, or more like the last year and a half, so thought that good thing lo can take off me and I can pick up again without losing flow (reading 'The Sound and the Fury' at the moment which so disjointed keep getting lost as can only read a few pages at a time before lo comes and gives me one of her books to read to her or takes it off me for attention). Paid for holiday so that all confirmed now. Awaiting af in next few days as last pill was yesterday but not like urs Frothy - mine quite light and not painful, just make me feel sluggish and bloated for couple days before. Saying that no idea if tx will make it different? Maybe I should also be inspired by you and do some more cleaning too! x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Sorry for the long reply - Didn't realise I had written so much. Please don't feel need give long response or anything, I chattering away is all. x


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## ange14 (Jan 5, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
We have been informed today that we have 5 embryo's (at 8 cell stage ) and we are confused why some transfers are done at embryo stage or Blasto stage and what gives you a better chance od BFP.

Can anyone help Hopefully I am making sense.

Ange


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Ange - With blastocysts you have a better chance of success 50% with day 5 blasto compared to 30% with day 3 embryos, however u do take a small risk none will make it to blastocyst - usually 25% to 60% fertilised embryos make it to day 5. You have 5 that are doing very well because they are at the 8 cell stage on day 3 so shows they are going strong and that means u r likely to get some make it to blastocysts. I was in the same situation. I had 5 good quality day 3 embryos and chose to go to blastocyst and all 5 made it to blastocyst although only 3 were good quality by then. Most clinics recommend that if you have 4 good quality day 3 embryos you continue to blastocyst so you can figure out which the best ones are to put in. Hope that helps. x


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## ange14 (Jan 5, 2011)

Hi Polly, Thank you very much for your response It has really helped, but then of course it raised more questions. My head hurts !!!!!!!


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Sorry not been in touch for a few days. Polly - wow!! Where do I start writing back to your essay haha, you must have been full of energy that night! Welcome ange14, have you had your transfer now and how you feeling? 

Well things okay here but am still very up and down. Friend had baby girl on Friday morning, actually didn't feel too bad at all on Friday but this weekend have gone downhill as seem to be getting lots of texts about it from various people and then my friend is being what I think is a little bit insensitive talking about breast feeding, sleepless nights to me - I'm the wrong person to talk about that to right now! Next hurdle is to pay a visit but may not be until next week now as we both have hectic weeks this week. Probably just me being hyper sensitive and will be fine, am due on and it's about 35 days now, quite normal for me but kind of feel I need to come on now as getting a bit fratchy and anxious, does anyone else get like that when they are due on? 

Anyway had a canny weekend in Newcastle with friend and am sticking to booking something nice in once a month to keep me bright and perky! Lounge is looking lovely thanks Polly, we weren't sure about the carpet but it's fine and happy with it. You sound like you don't do things by halves,gosh I would have had a mini breakdown doing all that in one go!! You sound like you are quite good at DIY and stuff - I steer well clear, not been allowed to pick up a paintbrush since absent-mindedly painting over a plug socket when we first moved in together/ That's fine by me - I'll make the cups of tea! 

THanks for the tips on clinics and research. I think we are probably tied to James Cook with us still being funded by the PCT, not sure. Just one more go anyway and then we'll have to re-evaluate the future. 

Sorry it's not a mega long reply, just wanted to check in to say hi and hope everyone okay. Joanne how are you doing?

X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Well I had appointment this morning and no arguing necessary. They said they thought last cycle was very good and not sure would do anything differently which I don't really feel ok cuz think they should have had drugs higher at end to increase egg yield with but felt it unimportant to push on that right then as was more concerned with FET. With FET instantly felt depressed cuz our blastos aren't great quality. They are full blastos and still developing but they were a day slow to get there and cells aren't that good quality so are graded 4CC. Still - she said that you never can tell. Anyway, was a bit upsetting obviously cuz with FET knew our chances worse than fresh cycle to begin with. She initially asked if we wanted to do FET or fresh which just made me feel worse cuz makes me feel like maybe she thinks not worth doing FET but then surely they wouldn't freeze them if they thought no chance. Know fresh has better odds working and was depressing to know blastos not great but we still doing FET cuz of costs and cuz there is still a chance even if it is not as good as we hoped. Anyway, she wanted us to put both in if they thaw anyway so I didn't even have to ask. So am starting buserelin on 16th Feb with ET w/c 14th March - probably on 15th or 16th. Hoping no delays cuz going on holiday on 19th March. Feel down about it all right now knowing quality of blastocysts but also kinda figure I was too positive about last tx so maybe better I am feeling so negative. Anyway, all starts again. x

Ange - How did ET go? How r u?
Frothy - Not feeling like so much energy today. Oh well. Sorry to hear about feeling rubbish about baby. Will be your turn soon. Hope af arrives soon for u. My periods everywhere so never expect them anytime in particular, still can make things rather inconvenient hence had very little time since age 17 not on the pill. Think lovely idea about booking in something nice - maybe once a week rather than once a month! You deserve it! Glad u happy with the lounge. I know - I am emotional and obsessive. No idea how I got to the ripe old age of 27 without jumping off a cliff or going off the rails, my theory now is that maybe those craziest are actually the most sane. Not sure. Anyway, yes, I am very obsessive and if I set my mind to something find it very difficult to stop and get carried away. Looking back on it not sure I would recommend leaping into DIY on your first house with very little experience and without thinking out the potential problems of no bathroom or kitchen for months. Hmm... I try to leave DIY to dh but with cancer I had to take more on myself cuz he needed rest for long time, so know a bit more, but don't like DIY or anything manual that makes me feel tired out. I am quite petite so not much use with heavy stuff anyway. I do do all the decorating though and quite enjoy that bit - sort of therapeutic. I think u r wise to stick with the tea making.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Well Polly I think that's great that you even got any to blasto stage and like so many other girls on here there is loads of evidence to say that you can get your BFP with lower grade embies. Is it this month or next month you start your FET? That's weird though that they said would you prefer a fresh or a FET, maybe they just sensed something that you were a bit disappointed with the quality. How much does a FET cost compared to a fresh? With us being funded at the moment if you have any frosties then you must have a FET cycle before going on to a fresh. Got everything crossed for you my love. 

I am doing okay thanks. Had a nice night out with DP last night. I had to take something back to House of Fraser in town so said why don't we get a taxi in just before closing, I will pop in to take it back then why don't we go for a few drinks. Just both feeling totally couped up at mo and working hard so we did that, well we had sunk 3 Desperados in less than an hour (have you had them, it's lager with a dash of tequila, gorgeous) and then thought better slow down so went for an indian and then out for a few more. Had a really good laugh. Not felt too bad today but he has died on the settee ALL DAY and I am now getting sick of him haha. Only thing with drink and me is that the following day I can feel a bit low and I hate getting like that so am fighting against any black thoughts and know I will be back feeling loads better tomorrow. Why do we have to feel rubbish after a good night! Feels like spring should be here soon, glad to have got January out of the way aren't you?

Still not had my AF - today is day 40 or something. DP thinks I should do a test but as I said previously I am fed up of weeing on things and facing facts I am not going to get preg naturally, well a less than 1% chance or something so am just letting nature take its course for just a few more days. Might sound v selfish as in 'but what if you are and you went out drinking' but  I've got most of the signs now that it's probably on its way and just my body settling down. Boo. 

DP is on meal tonight so waiting for him to peel his carcass off the settee after the Chelsea/Liverpool game (he doesn't support either but it's a big game apparently) and think I'll go and get a shower. 

Bye for now, hope you have a nice week ahead. 
Frothy X
PS - have started meeting a friend every Sat morning for a walk, doing me the world of good, starts weekend with a clear head and a feeling of having done something - 5.5 miles yesterday, was v pleased with self (hence ruining it all with indian) byyyeeee


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

I am feeling really negative about our FET yesterday and today cuz of quality of blastos just not reckoning they got any chance, or even sure they will survive the thaw, so anyway, finding it very tough thinking about starting this cycle. Know it possible to get bfn with lower grade embies but with frosties not sure how much chance they really have. Too much googling so not good. Really want move forward but know haven't really got over bfn either and don't know how will deal with this one knowing gotta start from scratch at new clinic if bfn cuz just don't think Guys place for us. Saying that no way am prepared to delay tx so I gotta get over this and convince myself does have a chance. Had argument with dh yesterday evening cuz he doesn't get so involved with tx as me so hard cuz he doesn't remember dates or know what going on at each stage. Anyway, I need to snap out of this negativity.

FET £850 including meds, our last tx was just over £4500 I think tho tbh I try not to add it all up so could been bit more. In their interests to ask cuz obviously they would get more if we chose do another fresh than frozen. Thanks for the support. I don't know why I am being so rubbish about this. It is the thought of going thru this again and again and again. bfn are hard to accept. Know u already been there and still going and admire u for that. Know that I am also prepared do the same thing, but doesn't make it easy. Also, hate it that odds so bad so know likely outcome is won't work.

I finding it so hard no time with dh and that he doesn't keep track of tx and know what happening when to ask me about it and support me. Saying that, before arguing last night had felt everything great between us, so hoping I can pull myself together and maybe that sort everything on its own. Certainly gonna get no-where trying talk to him about it cuz he withdraws and I get angry. We going out for meal on Saturday night to celebrate valentines day (decided to do it early to avoid cost of eating out on 14th), and I booked London Eye and nice restaurant and dh knows going out but not the rest so hoping lovely evening.

Know what u mean about black thoughts day after good night out. Is frustrating. Hope u feeling better now. My birthday January so never think of it as bad month but liking the sunshine today making it feel more like getting towards spring. When is your follow-up? Later this month? Must not seem so far away now.

U never know. Miracles happen. I think I would feel like u tho. We have no chance getting pregnant naturally and always so depressing taking test that just confirms this month after month so maybe best leave it if u can. Otherwise hope when af arrives is not too bad for u. Probably long cycle cuz body recovering from drugs.

I think walks in the countryside most grounding thing in world. Nothing makes me feel more peaceful or happier than going for a walk in the countryside, especially when sunny. Probably biggest reason find London tough to live in. I love nature. I am keeping up with my Davina DVDs - 4 a week and fits in well with my routine. Definitely feel more toned now but weight still same (mainly because my chocolate eating is same or more!).

Hope ur week going well and u enjoying the sunshine.

x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey Polly

Think you and I having a bad week. Reading all your words nodding and with tears in eyes, feeling pretty hopeless this week, battered down by the whole lot and basically fed up. Maybe it's one of those weeks where somethign is squirted into the air as everyone just seems fed up. Do you ever find that? You can have a bright day and the world is bright with you but then other days everyone is full of hell??

It is absolutely soul destroying you are right but you said yourself you will continue until you get what you want out of this and I admire you also for that. My consultant reminded me that if FET didnt' work then they wouldn't do it - I know the odds are lower you do sound like you are being pretty realistic about things. But honestly you never know!! You have got back on track very quickly though and I did wonder whether time might come when you thought wooah not got over December's BFN yet - sorry hope you don't mind me saying that. I just feel so far from starting tx again right now and can't imagine picking things back up again yet. Feel utterly bashed about from it all. 

AF came Monday afternoon after all. Felt sore and grey as usual but stuck at things as normal.  Got an email from a work colleague on Mon aft saying she is going to be a grandma - her son and d-in-l had had tx in May and failed and then gone for it again over Christmas - she knows nothign about us so for her it's jsut sharing her exciting news. I drove home from work completely black, cried all the way and sobbed on DP's shoulder saying I think I have come to the conclusion that I think we might just be one of those couples who can't have children. Felt devastated. Seems good news everywhere else. It's not that I want these other people to have the same heartache, I don't wish it upon them, but I don't seem to meet anyone else who has had a series of negatives at James Cook. Anyway, DP said let's go out for tea so we went to an italian near by, had a heart to heart on the way down and just wanted a glass of red wine and to have a quiet little cry if I wanted to. Got in there and we were put next to a couple we know. The ENTIRE MEAL consisted of them talking about their babies, scrolling through phones to show us their pictures, then asking us if we knew whether our other friends (the ones who went through tx same time as us and got BFP) were expecting a baby in SUmmer.  Then they turned to DP and I and asked when we were going to have babies. Oh god it was absolutely horrendous, I felt completely shell shocked, DP said later he thought I was going to run out in tears and he would have to throw some money on the table and run out after me. Felt so wobbly and angry. We said on the way home you could write that into a movie script and you would watch it and go 'that would never happen' but it so did. 

I too had a row with DP this morning, he showed a really hard cold side and I just walked out to work in the end, couldn't be bothered with it all. Things taking their strain this week. Must be that thing in the air again I was saying!!! 

Sorry to drone on, hope I haven't bored you rotten. Keep me in the picture re appointments for FET. Yes our follow up is 28 Feb. 

Frothy XXX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy

Definitely does sound like we both need some cheering up. Yes, think that is it tho, if u r down then it way u see the world, u don't notice the happy or positives except in a way to make u feel more depressed, and when u r happy u don't notice sadness around u. So don't think it is catching and we passed it on to each other!! At least I hope not! In that tho maybe can pass some happy to u cuz I feeling lot better again now. Think I needed to accept and let go of last tx and let myself feel negative about this cycle to be able to face up to possibility of going thru whole thing again for bfn. Now I have done I feel good about starting and counting down the days again. At least this way if I have to deal with more heartbreak can also heal and move onto next ICSI sooner and hopefully be successful sooner too. Figure more cycles get thru in shorter time then more chance getting pg and having new baby while dd still young so gotta keep pushing on and I am pretty strong underneath it all so know will be fine in the end whatever thrown at me. Just need to fall apart now and again!!! Lol

No that fine to say about December's bfn. Don't think I realised it would make me feel different about starting again but it did. Understand why u might not feel ready to start again. U r right, does bash u about emotionally. Still, it is worth it cuz it will make u a wonderful baby, hopefully sooner rather than later. I read that until u had 5 failed full cycles (this not include FET) then u have roughly same odds each time of working or not, cuz most of time it just luck going other way and u shouldn't give up. U not even close to that so likely u just been unlucky. However, if it is starting get u down then immunes good thing to investigate to put mind at rest. Sure u won't be one of those couples who can't have children. U not found any reason why IVF won't work for u so u gotta believe it will, and u still got time. If the doctors didn't think they could get u pg then they would tell u.

Meal did sound awful. Think u did really well to keep it together. Think I probably would have walked out or made some excuses or something. U must be very strong to have been able to sit there and listen to that and keep it together.

Hope u getting on better with dp today. My dh and I doing better since then but he has said he will be working all evening almost every evening till 1st March (exam) now and don't see him much else cuz he sleeps till Saturday lunchtime cuz he tired after week and he college on Sundays all day, and only rolls out of bed when has to be catching train so have had to accept will be going thru lot of this on my own, but then that not his fault so gotta try not get angry at him. Can't help feel sad we have so little time together these days tho. Looking forward to our night out on Saturday. Am keeping details of evening secret from him as surprise.

Anyway, lots of hugs.      Hoping ur week has turned around and going better now, if not then hoping the hugs will help! x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey Polly

Thanks for your lovely words and really glad your outlook has changed this week and you're back on the up. Sure I will be soon. You are so right, it's worth it in the end, just a battle of emotions in between!

Week just not getting much better. DP off sick yesterday and we had planned to go round together to my friend who had had the new baby. Don't know how I managed it but went on my own last night. Felt physically ill - the knot in my stomach dug into me, dizzy head, banging heart, shouldn't have gone really but it was just hanging over me until I did it and have a killer week next week so wouldn't get round again for at least a fortnight. Really didn't want to go but figured week could not sap many more emotions out of me and best to get it out of the way. So I've done it! Stayed half an hour, did the coo-ing and the ah-ing in the right place and despite feeling under scrutiny I just did my best and got on with it. Not happy with DP at not going - obviously it would be selfish and stupid to go when he's full of cold but just typical of how I feel I lack emotional support sometimes. We have had world war 3 again this morning, he is being quite selfish this week I think, putting his own needs first and not considering that i have had a rough time of it this week and am still keeping going. He keeps saying I need a couple of days off but I argue that I'm not ill but a bit more help around the house would stop me perhaps living life at 150mph. He doesn't get it though. So this morning one or the other has put the phone down on the other one about 3 times and now it's the text message fight. Probably my fault as I keep pushing but I'm feeling bloody well peed off this week. 

Your bit about moving on from Dec tx is so right. I'm nowhere near over it yet which means it would be silly for me to try and take on anything new just yet. Agree compeltely that the sooner you're back on the better but I've had too much over the last 18 months with the 2 ops in between and just need a complete break from it all. It's good to hear you are feeling more focussed, do you start at the time of your next bleed? Have a lovely weekend with DH, and relax!

Frothy XX 
PS - sorry for the whinge


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - I hope the weekend has helped revive your spirits. I know what u mean about the battle of emotions, it really saps all your energy. I been thinking about that lately and wondering if I can actually be bothered to change clinics afterall. I know I am going thru IVF and all and should be completely immune to it but I am really quite doctor/dentist/optician phobic (anyone who has power to suddenly land a bombshell on u of all the things that could be wrong with you), and been looking at clinic websites and dreading all the extra tests I would need done. My clinic not that thorough and didn't even scan me before this FET and will only do so for lining scan to give ok to ET. They only took blood tests this year as an afterthought and didn't bother telling me the results anyway (not even sure they looked at them!). Basically, they have assumed I am fine and aren't worried about all that, but other clinics are a bit more thorough!!! This I don't like the thought of. Also, ET is quite painful and difficult for me cuz I have tilted womb so cervix curved, my clinic just sort it one way or the other, had stiff catheter first time cuz couldn't do it with normal one, and last time had trouble getting into position but managed then he left it in position which they don't normally do while sorted other stuff ready so was all fine, but looking at CRGH they put something in cervix that stays there 2 months to widen it for ET if they think might be tricky which hate thought of and have mock ET which don't like thought of either. Anyway, know I really being bit silly but it is the psyching myself up for all these things, not sure I can find the energy all this. Plus we have frozen sperm so have to get it transported somehow to go elsewhere.

Yet saying all this really hate my clinic for way they have treated me at times and for the lack of communication at all times (even crucial - not calling to tell me fertilisation when promised would to me is a bit unforgivable and that just one instance). Also getting stimming drug balance right, really think they haven't done too well. Anyway, I think I am driving myself crazy worrying about everything at the moment. Think decided might depend more on when my clinic say I could start again. If big gap then move and deal with tests. If small gap then go straight again cuz ultimately my aim is to get pregnant as quickly as possible and all extra tests and sorting sperm transport would take time if go elsewhere. Sorry for thinking my thoughts out loud but feel confused as to next steps after FET.

Think u did right thing about going to see the baby. Think the worrying about going often almost as bad as the going so definitely good to do it and get it out of the way even though know it made u feel awful. At least u don't have to think about it anymore. Hope next week isn't as killer as u r imagining. Sorry to hear u and dh arguing. I feel I lack emotional support from dh too most of the time, cuz tbh I don't think he knows how to give it, but also know that not his fault really cuz his family don't talk or acknowledge emotions so he never really done that. Should not get angry about it but be constructive but I always get angry anyway when I feel he being insensitive or inconsiderate. He not got up till 12:30 yesterday (when lo goes down for afternoon nap for 2 hours - hence why on here at about 2pm a lot when chores done and my lunch eaten!!!) and is so frustrating knowing is only day of the week that we together at the moment and he spending it sleeping in! Still, is all pretty much forgiven cuz we had such a lovely evening last night. Kept it all a surprise till arrived at Waterloo (lo went down fine at 7pm and we left promptly at 7:03pm! and not a whimper all evening according to brother in law - which conveniently has always been the case so far when he baby sits). Then walked to London Eye and it was beautiful all lit up. Did the 4D experience which was a laugh, and then went on the Eye which was amazing. Clear skies and London all lit up and night and could see for miles. Really beautiful and romantic. Then walked across the river to Covent Garden had a drink then went for a meal and food was great and we got on really well and it all perfect. Then went home, sent home brother in law and then time for   ! Was really lovely evening. Anyway, this morning lo woke up at 7:45am as normal so not even early but still felt effects of 2 drinks last night! Lol! And got 2 blisters and my feet killing (too much walking in heels!) but was all so worth it.

We also went to Sainsburys and bought that meal for £15 deal which will do tomorrow which will give me a night off from cooking! and think will make some heart shaped cookies later as I feel in a baking mood and seems appropriate thing to bake.  So all seems really good with me and dh, but that way I am really. Way too up and down. Don't know how he puts up with me, or how I manage to put up with me too as I am too emotionally extreme! Looking forward to d/r on Wednesday now and last drink Monday I think - quite looking forward to alcohol free time too and feeling unhealthy at the moment, think compounded by feeling depressed yesterday morning and on way to park with lo walked past bakery stall and bought cake which lo and I shared on the swings and feel a bit like detox would do me good. Oh, and then at restaurant for dessert we shared a cheesecake and a chocolate soup! Which was lovely but so bad!

Ok, I am chattering away again now. Will sign off. Hoping u sorted things with dh. I always live my life at 150mph and dh does everything at about 5mph but much more thoroughly, however know much easier when u can meet each other half way. Have u tried asking him if he can help u around the house at the moment or do anything else to lighten your load a bit? Did he apologise about being selfish last week? Think it understandable u been annoyed this week, although hoping it improving and relationships are always combination of the both of u, so don't say it your fault for pushing, sure u could both do things differently, however is much more difficult when going thru IVF and the stress of not being able to have a baby yet. Also know this process been more demanding for u over last year and half cuz of the ops on top of everything else so think it very natural u feeling like this at the moment. Be much more surprised if u said everything felt fine.

I start d/r on day 21 and stop pill same day then start hrt when get af and have lining scan 2-3 weeks after this to get go ahead for ET 5 days later.

Don't apologise for whinging! I do it more and makes me feel better about doing it! Lol x


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hi everyone, sorry to to hear you are down in the dumps frothy and Polly, sending    to you both xx

haven't been on here for a wee while as was nothin to report, but weighed myself on Friday and surprisingly, only need to lose 3lbs to hit my target! so Ive made an appointment for 4th march and hopefully it will be all systems go! Im so excited! xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Joanne - Great that u r only 3 lbs away now! You must be really pleased to be so close. Great to get an appointment too, so u have something to work towards and look forward to. Really hoping they give you the go ahead and things can start speeding along. Hope all is well generally and u had a good last couple of weeks and valentines too.
Hope Frothy and Bearhug u both well.
Frothy - Not heard from u in a little while, tho know u said u be very busy. Hope all is good and u and dh getting along better now.
Bearhug - Be lovely to hear from u and know how ur pg progressing.
AFM - Started d/r last week, af arrived yesterday so now taking HRT. Should have scan in 2-3 weeks to check lining thick enough for FET.


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

thanks Polly, yeah we had a nice Valentines evening, we didn't go out or anything and i would have hit him with flowers if he dared to buy me any-they put the price up so much for Valentines i think its disgusting lol, any other time he is very welcome to get me some hee hee- we got one of those meal deal things from waitrose, it was yummy! 

can't wait for my appointment, don't want to get too excited though in case something goes wrong-not sure what, would just be bloody typical lol

anyway time to get off the bus, see you later! Xxxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Joanne - Think those meal deals much better idea than going out on Valentines Day. Idea of having excuse be romantic once a year great, only that is way too exploited by everywhere that sells stuff. I agree about buying presents altho dh did get me chocolates and I didn't complain!!! Lol Also would not say no to flowers, chocolates etc any other time but dh not most romantically minded so I go down our local florist once a week to buy one of their £5 bunches of flowers cuz I love having flowers around the house. Know the feeling about not wanting to get too excited about appointments, progress with IVF etc but I find it impossible not too and I also feeling excited cuz...

Got my scan booked for next Thursday! Yay! If ok then ET will be 5-6 days later. Though I know scan is quite early so may have to go back a week later still for another if lining not thick enough.

Talk later. x


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

ooh how exciting! i can't wait until i have to go for stuff like that (although not looking forward to the fight that will ensue at work about it!) 

the only time we've gone out for Valentines is the first year after we got married, and i had a bit of an incident with a piece of sea bass and its fin....i shudder every time i think of it lol! i don't do skin, fins or tails!!! yuck!! xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Joanne - Curious as to this incident with the sea bass and its fin... tho do not want to make u shudder more in having to retell it so won't ask! Hope u r well, have had a good week and looking forward to the weekend.

I am so looking forward to Tuesday!!! DH has his exam Tuesday morning and then he has the afternoon off and as he has been at work days, then studies in the evening only stopping when I put his supper in front of him, then goes back to studying until 1 or 2am, and goes off to study at college on the weekend will be great have some time together again. Will actually be really strange having him around again in the evenings and at weekends cuz I got so used to being on my own. Will have to share the tv schedule, not go on ff all evening and lo get used to having him around at weekends again! Anyway, will be good cuz I miss him and will be so nice to have the afternoon with him on Tuesday too cuz he hasn't had a day off since August except the xmas bank holidays. My mum coming over Sunday which will be nice. Think tomorrow morning will go to library with lo then maybe park in the afternoon - weather dependent. Saw rainforest roadshow today and lo sat through whole thing (45 mins) altho she paid more attention to my bag of toys than the talk, but we got to meet a tarantula, preying mantis and scorpion and hear stories. Also feels like holiday to Wales getting closer which will be lovely too (19th March), some time as a family and break from my routines. We will go via Cheltenham so can see my and dh's parents. No news on when his dad's op will be for the mouth cancer so plans for next couple weeks could have to change a bit. DH wants to see his dad again before op cuz is quite high risk and he won't ever be same again cuz jaw being removed plus chances survival 5 years pretty low anyway, but one step at a time.

Hope all is well with you Frothy as well. Love to hear from you about how u getting on.


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hiya Polly, re the sea bass.....Im not very good with fish, i cant deal with anything from our aquarium-even if its just a rock, i still can't touch it lol- and so when we have fish to eat it has to be a certain way (definitely no fins tails or eyes! skin side down or eyes tight shut when i handle it hahaha) and if there's any bones i can't eat it! anyway when we went out for this meal we asked the waiter if it had fins etc still on- he said no- and did it have bones in- only a couple me small ones- so it came skin side up....was doing ok...found a couple of bones...again was managing quite well...until i reached over to put the bones on the side of the plate and my arm brushed a great big crispy fin! i nearly choked! Im even cringing now just thinkin of it! needless to say i left the rest and vowed never to order fish again! lol oh god it was just awful, i can't describe how sick it made me feel! Xxxx


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girlies
Sorry to have seemingly fallen off face of earth, not had chance to log on lately but thinking of everyone. Wow can't believe how quick your fet has come round polly....loads of luck! Well done on your weight loss Joanne, how much is that you have shifted since new year and please can you share your secret??
Will try to write mire in next few days but keep writing as I will be wanting to read updates and good luck both with your important weeks ahead 
Love frothy x x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Ps fish story hilarious .....Bork


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Lovely to hear from you Frothy. Was starting to worry about you. How have you been? Do write when you have the time cuz have missed u being around.  
Joanne - I second that - fish story very funny! I don't eat meat but do eat fish but don't like it when they keep all the parts on either (tho not to quite same extent of revulsion as u! lol). Good luck for your appointment Friday. Tell us how it goes.
Did you both have a good weekend?
AFM - Feeling scared of appointment for no particular reason and of thaw for good reason, cuz I feel like quality more likely to have an affect on surviving the thaw than on implantation. I reckon if they make the thaw then clearly they strong enough to have a good chance, but so worried will not get that far. I trying not get hopes up this time but am still obsessed with babies and getting pregnant so still is constantly on my mind so know will be disappointed anyway if doesn't work cuz always a chance until that bfn. Anyway, on a positive note my clinic said can start ICSI on next af after FET which means despite how much I resent my clinic I am probably going to grin and bear it. I have kinda come to the conclusion that I hate the whole IVF process and will wherever I go cuz of the intrusiveness, the emotional roller coaster and my general phobia of doctors and tests. My clinic can't get dose of stimms right for me, but they did get me pg first time and they have our frozen sperm held for ransom (well not exactly but transporting it is a bit of a problem) and also despite not getting dose right this wasn't why it failed so hopefully just coin toss landed wrong way and will be different next time. No way to know really but do know if can go straight away that feels more important to me than moving clinic where it would take time to do their tests etc cuz my priority getting pg as soon as possible and it just a judgement call and I gambling will work next time. Hoping I make right decision. As for life in general. DH has his exam tomorrow and seems very nervous pacing up and down hall this evening reading notes over, really hoping it goes well for him cuz then he can start looking new job without the ridiculous hours he working at the moment and we can move sooner knowing where he placed. If not is not end of world cuz can resit May. Got so used to being on my own every evening and weekends not sure quite how easy I will adjust to having him around more (I am not good at living with ppl cuz like things my way! lol) Will be nice though cuz feel starved of attention!!! My mum was around for day on Sunday to keep lo and I company and lo adopted her handbag and wandered around for about an hour just carrying it around the house! Was very cute. She also counting to three (tho in rote - she obviously doesn't have a clue what it means), but she tends to only use about 3 words each week and they change each week which is a bit odd but she follows instructions well so I not worried cuz she clearly has understanding. This week's new words are shark, tea and star lol. My dad coming stay Wednesday night cuz meeting London and staying Thursday to babysit for us while I have my scan in the afternoon. Oh and dh's dad's operation is going to be on the 9th so we probably going to go back chelt this weekend, tho dh doesn't want to think about it all till after exam tomorrow. Right dh says he wants go bed now and prefers me go too cuz he can't get sleep easily without me (which I think very sweet) so I better go now. Goodnight girls.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi girls

Yes sorry, days are merging into weeks and weeks merging into goodness knows what at the moment! Taking 5 mins out of a stressful day in office, should do it more often but actually forget most of time! You are bound to feel anxious Polly but there is no reason why shouldn't work for you, just keep positive and bright eyed and bushy tailed, you can do it! 

Update this end is that we had our follow up appt yesterday. Consultant went through all details of both cycles plus FET and has come to the conclusion that it is quite likely that the reason for BFNs is the quality of my eggs. I have had a very sluggish start both times to the menopur and although got there in the end and got lots of eggs he is concerned that we are only having a very low number of high grade embies. Is concerned that my reserves are low and not sure he holds out much hope for us having much success. Said my hormone levels look fine and for everything on paper seeming okay he thinks there are other issues. So I had bloods for AHM which haven't had before and did a chromosome test on DP. Indicated that if didn't work for cycle 3 then not much point in going in for a 4th paid go. Actually felt quite calm but was v quiet rest of day yesterday and lot to take in. Devastated obviously but feel that perhaps I need to start processing the fact that we may not have a child of our own. Results will take about 5 weeks to come back so we will see then. Wants me to lose some weight before next cycle, I am still within the desired level but thinks getting rid of half a stone even might help chances. LAst night felt peed off but quite strong emotionally, had some tears at bedtime but just trying to cope with this the best I can at the moment. I said we were happy to wait until Aug/Sept for next cycle, give ourselves a break from the chew but he said he wants me to do it asap once body settled down and thinks AUg too late and wants us in May or June. Also going to put me on a short protocol instead of long. Not fuly sure what this means other than that I don't think I will down reg for 2 weeks before but other than that not really sure what it means. Hmmmm. Painful stuff to hear but not a lot I can do about it. DP's sperm is pretty rubbish and my ovaries are knackered so I made up a new name for our condition - Spovaritis (thought that was quite funny in a moment of sadness). DP was good yesterday but has woken up this morning really angry about it all. 

Anyway I have got way layed with other bits whilst typing this so must sign off. Do write back both when you get chance!

Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - So sorry that the consultant was negative about your chances. Anyway, really don't think u ought to think too much about it until you have done 3 full cycles cuz one or two not working can often be bad luck and u can't really conclude is a pattern yet. Hope the tests don't show anything wrong but do tell us the results. Even if something does show up on the tests then just remember that lots of people do defy the odds even if they are given bad news, however hopefully that won't be an issue and everything will be fine. Also there are lots of ladies on here that have improved their egg quality thru modifications to diet etc so it is worth going onto the low AMH threads and having a look at some of the advice cuz if egg quality is an issue no harm to try some natural supplements or changing diet to see if it changes things for your next tx. If doctor thinks u may have low AMH then definitely think u right to go straight onto another tx even if you not sure u ready, cuz think u would regret it too much later if you didn't. Don't make any decisions about 4th tx or anything till after you get your test results back and have tried the third. It is too depressing to try and think beyond the next step and there is no need cuz all the tests might come back fine and u may get pregnant with no problems next tx. Also agree about the weight thing cuz again, if you don't do everything u can to try and make it work then u will wonder what if. I read a study that the ideal BMI (in terms of attractiveness to the opposite sex) is 21 so maybe will have other benefits as well in terms of male attention!!! Lol Also think short protocol a good idea cuz know for some ladies it makes a big difference to number and quality of their eggs to do it that way - means u only d/r until af then go straight into stimming I think. Know must have been really tough to have to listen to what doctor was saying. Try and take it on day at a time, one step at a time and keep going. Do everything you can and it may well work. Not surprised dp is angry about it all, you must be too. Hoping u r supporting each other and helping to boost each other's PMA for your upcoming tx which may well see you pg before the summer!

AFM - Got lining scan tomorrow. Wish me luck. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

How did your lining scan go? Was that on Weds? Have logged on few times last few days but got server error message each time, not sure if that's something my end or with FF so sorry not been able to contact you. Have you got a date now for ET and hope everything going to plan?

Thank you for your words of encouragement, very kind. Feeling okay. Trying to be quite philosophical about things but not giving up and thanks for the tip about the low AMH threads, will take a look on there if I can find them in this maze of information. 

Been back home for the weekend and just got back - moved up here from near Manchester about 8.5 years ago and not visited for at least 5.5 years so been a real blast from the past. Have done really well - stopped off en route to see friend with 2 yr old twins (who I have not been able to face seeing for 18 months) then had a night with a friend who is married but has never had the baby bug on Friday then on to my old friend from high school who haven't seen for about 12 years. She has a 15 year old and a 6 year old, was a lovely picture of family life but not without its ups and downs so although I got the pang I do see that it's not easy. Have very much enjoyed myself and have given myself a real pat on the back for coping. Been like a little mini holiday. Have obv had a few drinks this weekend (in fact waaaay too much red wine Friday night) but have tried to make sensible choices with food without saying I'm trying to lose weight. All going well until this morning when I was handed a mega full english, 2 of everything and ashamed to say I scoffed the lot! Going out for a drink shortly with DP to tell him all about weekend but then have vowed that as of tomrorow need to buckle down and think weight loss!! 

Hope you are keeping busy and things not getting to you too much. Fill me in on dates and will apologise now if I have missed anythign as don't seem to have a very good grip on diary dates at the minute. Just had a reminder from new car insurance company that if don't send proof of no claims within 7 days will reduce them to zero and had forgotten completely about it. 

Thinking of you and hope all going well 
Frothy XX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

My scan didn't go exactly to plan. Nurse said at first lining was 8.4mm but think it different in different places cuz then she said was 6.7mm and that was more accurate or something. Anyway, that isn't thick enough (they like it to be 8mm) but she said to stay on the same dose of oestrogen as wasn't that thin and should thicken by a week's time so have another scan next Thursday and fingers crossed all is well then. I know it only a minor set back so long as all is ok this week, however felt like fate against us having another baby at the time. Dropped new large carton of milk all over the floor first thing in the morning and on my hands and knees mopping it up with dishclothes while lo watched me amused from her highchair, waited 30 mins for the vet then had to leave anyway without seeing the vet as had left lo with my dad at play centre and had to get them home for tea and then the scan. Anyway, glad to say being so ridiculously emotional I did quickly realise this was a slight over-reaction and stopped crying over it and getting so gloomy within 24 hours and now feel ok about it all and not like fate is against us having baby (at least not so much!!!).

DH's exam Monday was different format to all practice papers he been doing for weeks and tutor gave written apology for having prepared them so badly, so dh had to improvise and everyone seems to have taken a different approach to new format so basically it seems a bit hit and miss if he passes or not. Will have to wait and see. That was Tuesday and thought we would have afternoon together but he didn't call me and instead went for coffee with his mates and came back at 4pm confused as to why I was wondering where he was and how the exam had gone!!! Had my book club Tuesday evening then my dad came round Wednesday lunchtime and stayed till Thursday teatime cuz he had meeting Weds morning in London and had taken day off Thurs to look after lo while I went to my scan. Then on Friday evening we drove back home and I dropped dh to stay at his parents and stayed at my mum's with lo, and cuz light comes in that room lo woke at 5am which not funny!!! But she well behaved whole rest of stay even at dh's parents house so that was great and hung up blind so she slept well second night. Went out with dh for meal Saturday evening then back to his parents and also had quite a bit of time at my mum's which should stop her guilting me for maybe a month or two!!! lol Was sombre atmosphere at dh's though cuz of his dad - apparently is 10-20% chance of him dying right there on operating table on Wednesday (is an 8 hour operation!). Also dh's mum looking much older, maybe the stress I don't know, but made me think more about life and growing old u know.

Then on Saturday night when I got back to mum's she said she was worried her mum would die during the night cuz her mum was saying she was too tired to carry on and was very frail and seemed to have chest infection again. Anyway my granny made it thru the night but still very frail and my mum doesn't want her to have to die on her own but granny won't move out to mums or her sister's to die cuz don't think she likes the finality of such a gesture. Decided to take a detour this morning to go see my granny which 45 mins extra onto our 3 hour journey but glad I did, cuz u never know if will be last time u see them, and plus I think it so good for her to see little children to make u feel part of life. Only stayed half an hour cuz she tired, hoping my mum wrong but she is very old. So got back to London about 3pm and I feel very tired too but feel more positive about the future and definitely realised scan not going to plan certainly not important on the scale of things.

FF went down a bit one day but sometimes u gotta go bookmarks rather than show new replies cuz that server gets overloaded. Maybe that will work for u.

Wow - Is a long time not to have been home so must have been a big deal to go back. Sounds like u had a very sociable weekend. I also being bad with diet at the moment - eating so much chocolate and I so want to go back to the weight I was before IVF started in November and have no will power! So u doing better than me anyway. Everything always tempting me. Good luck with losing weight. Very jealous of the red wine drinking!!!

Enjoy your drink with dp.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Oh you sound about as emotionally wrecked as I am!! Sorry to hear about your granny and DH's dad - sorry but must have missed info about him going in for operation, what is that for? Strange how the 20-30% chances you talked about are very similar to IVF, know what I mean? Hope all goes well on Weds. 

I was quite calm last night but for some reason being back in work today has made me feel real surges of panic all day, can't explain it, kind of feel like I'm not here and everythign is a blur and I'm not breathing smoothly and feeling all anxious. Sometimes get like this with time of month and come to think of it am probably due on fairly soon. Came back from lunch early just to get back into office and have quiet time then my colleague who I share office with came back in. I told her I had felt really anxious and panicky over lunch and she just said 'you haven't got anything to be anxious about have you?' and I was a bit like 'well, er, there's stuff going on with the hospital isn't there' - I didn't elaborate as I haven't told her everythign that went on last Monday, just wanted to get head round it myself first and as she has children I don't feel she alwasy fully understands. So then without further discussion she just said 'oh thought there was somethign else making you feel worked up' and I actually feel quite peeved that it has just been glossed over! It is probably me as like I say I think I am due on and generally emotions feeling a bit high today but I just feel like I haven't really been acknowledged if you know what I mean. We are normally so very close and she is going through high periods of stress at the moment too and I do usually share so much with her but feel her response was a bit dismissive. She would be mortified if she thought I was typing this about her so actually I have come to the conclusion that it's probably me. 

Sorry about your disappointing scan result but they know what they are talking about and am sure things going to be tickety-boo this week for you. And I presume if not then you will delay and go for it a month when lining better? Not that that is ideal at all and I am not wanting to trivialise anything, just mean I wondered what would happen if it didn't end up thickening to min 8mm? Or is it different when you are self-funding? Last 2 cycles I have been something like 10.7mm which they have been happy with which is why they are coming to the conclusion that it could be an egg quality issue. We'll see. Forgot to mention the BMI 21 comment - IN MY DREAMS!!! is all I can say to that! 


good luck with next scan this week
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

I had a bit of a strange morning and feel quite confused now. Firstly scan showed that lining still just about the same as last time 6.5mm or so, so nurse went to ask doctor what to do (I am still on standard dose and I thought they would either cancel the FET and go next month or up my dose - some ladies go to double the dose onto 6 pills!) however doctor said to go ahead cuz the lining looked good quality so the thickness shouldn't matter too much. Hmm... Didn't expect them to say that cuz know by general criteria that not thick enough. I never had any issues with lining thickness on fresh cycles either but nurse said that very common cuz much higher levels of hormones on a fresh tx. However, tbh I don't think it should affect the outcome if lining looks good and as they didn't up the dose before maybe they don't want to leave it longer cuz then quality might not be as good over time? No idea. So ET is scheduled for Tuesday with both blastocysts unless get phone call in morning that neither survived the thaw. I know it probably not good that lining not thick enough, but then again always knew it against the odds because of the quality of the blastocysts so kind of feel like it is either meant to be or not.

Other news, dh didn't want to do sperm analysis before our last ICSI cuz he said as at 6 months post chemotherapy his sperm count hadn't gone up was unlikely to even though I wanted him to get it tested anyway, so after going on about it thru the ICSI cycle he agreed to get it tested on our follow up and it has come back as 14 million which is still low but it was about 5 million before and we hadn't had sex for 5 days before the test I think instead of 3 (I wasn't expecting him to agree on the day so hadn't really planned ahead) and he has a desk job, works long hours without breaks, takes long hot showers, drinks alcohol and lots of caffeine, does no exercise and refuses to take vitamins or eat breakfast despite my best efforts. So I am thinking maybe this will give him some incentive to try to take steps to improve it and we could get it to 20 million which is classed as normal, and if his fertility is coming back maybe means will carry on increasing anyway even if he did nothing to change lifestyle and diet. This could potentially mean may not need ICSI. If we did try naturally or using clomid (my cycles are everywhere so thinking maybe best go straight on clomid) there would be chance of genetic defects cuz of the chemotherapy affected DNA, however this is only a very small chance. So I don't know. It was a bit of a surprise. I stopped breast feeding 2 1/2 months before we started tx and periods only just returned 2 months and we didn't ever really try to conceive naturally anyway using dates etc so thinking maybe it worth trying? Course know sperm counts fluctuate and maybe was a very good day or something but is quite a big jump in numbers so getting my hopes up.

You are right about chances. Strange old world. DH's dad survived the operation but is still in intensive care.   He has mouth cancer. He is an alcoholic and smoker so not out of the blue, but is still a shock and obviously a horrible thing to be going through. He only has about a 35% survival chance over 5 years but one step at a time.

I used to have panic attacks when I was depressed. Since feeling like I more in control of my life that all sort of went away but I definitely know the feeling. Did af arrive? May well be that... hormones are strange things. Still, with everything you have been thru lately think it quite natural to be feeling that way. I think you are right that your friend would feel upset if she knew u thought that because reading what you have written I really think it was simply her not thinking very deeply about what she was saying and she seems to care about you because she asked about you. People who not been thru IVF or infertility don't really understand how emotionally involved we get and how little things (in their eyes) can have so much emotional significance attached. I know it is difficult though because words can hurt and u don't need that right now. Hoping dh giving you lots of hugs and helping u get yourself in right place to start anew.

Hope all is well with you this week. Write soon. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Thanks for the update. Well you sound brighter than I thought when I read the first line about the lining being a similar thickness; thought you would be on a bit of a downer but you sound quite philosophical. So booked in for next Tues - brilliant!! Got everything crossed for you pet. Bit weird what the doc said but like you said hormones or anything could affect us in all kinds of ways that we don't even think about with a fresh cycle. Will be thinking of you on Tues. 

That's interesting what you said about the sperm with your DH. My DP's is severly low at about 2ml per million, he gave up smoking in August last year and it went up to 4ml but that is still in the same rubbish category (think I might have said this before so just ignore if i am repeating myself!). He is in denial about his diet, it is not terrible like some men's are but def has room for improvement and the only fruit and veg that pass his lips is when it is part of a meal that I have prepared. He would never choose healthy stuff if he was cooking for himself. 

AFM I am getting in the zone for losing weight. Been really good all week and feel quite determined at the moment. Helps when you are stocked up nicely at home and know that the food you choose is going to be okay. Aiming for about a stone which actually in the grand scale of things is not really very much at all (when you think of people having to lose like 7 stone before they will even go on the waiting list) but it seems a bit of a mountain to me at the moment! Have done 2 events this week with work where they always put food on so I have been strict and limited myself with portion sizes and what I am picking. Boring but needs to be done. Now where's those grapes!! 

Think it must have been hormones - came on yeseteardy, quite pleased back to 32 days as last period after ICSI was 41 days and I was hoping my body was starting to settle down. 32 is a normal cycle for me. In hindsight you are totally right about my colleague, I didn't say any more to her, just felt a bit rattled but sometimes best to come on here rather than kick off with someone and then regret it later. She is an absolute love usually. 

That is good news that DH dad survived op; just hope his stay in intensive care isn't a long one and that he is on the road to recovery soon. Does make you think doesn't it. 

I used to have panic attacks a lot too. I lost my dad at 19, he literally dropped dead in his sleep so it was the biggest shock and took years and years to come to terms with. Lookign back am amazed at how well mum, sister and I have done, you think you will never put one foot in front of the other again you are that weak with it all. Sometimes resent IVF in that haven't we had enough heart ache but you know what there are people way way way worse off than me and I am grateful for what I HAVE got, not what I haven't. 

So are they doing the thaw tonight and leaving over the weekend did you say?

Good luck Polly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Going to be a short one for once as I want to go get some sleep. LO been ill with vomiting and diarrhoea for last 2 days and is really miserable so lots of cuddles and television. Hoping she gets better soon. Thanks. Know the FET and lining all seems a bit odd, but I feel like too much to get my head around anyway at the moment so just going with it all. Hoping the thaw goes well.

My DH had 2 million on 1 of his tests ages ago, I think always fluctuates but we will get it tested again and if it still around 14 million then I will force him to take steps to try and get it up to 20, tho my clinic I think would advise us to ICSI unless get over 20 million cuz of the genetic effects of the chemotherapy.

I agree men often in denial about diet etc My DH eats what I cook for him and I make his lunch too so he does get lots of vegetables but then he also buys crisps and coffee to supplement this! Lol He also doesn't have breakfast cuz I don't have time to do that in the morning cuz I gotta be getting lo up and breakfasted and he can't be bothered. Not sure any man would choose healthy stuff if cooking for himself. Most wouldn't bother with the cooking part either! Lol

Glad u feeling positive about losing weight. A stone does sound like a lot when u think of it at once, but if you break it down into weekly targets then think it will seem less so. Also once u start losing weight the numbers going down is a great incentive to continue. Think u r doing really well with it. Also good news your cycle getting back to normal.

Sorry to hear about u losing ur dad so young. It is a lot of heartache but think u have the right attitude trying to focus on what u r thankful for cuz most of life out of our control and can't be changed so no point letting it make u unhappy. Although easier said than done of course. 

They are thawing the blastocysts on the morning of my transfer then putting them in a couple hours later if they show signs of further development. If not then they are supposed to give me a call to cancel. 

Right, off to bed. Talk soon.

BTW Joanne - How r u? Hope all is going well with u.


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

hi everyone, been trying to catch up on progress but so much has gone on since i was last on it will take me quite a bit of time! hope everyone is well? 

quick update, had our appointment on 4th march, waited over an hour to be seen, and think when they realised we had been overlooked, they had to drag one of the nurses off her lunch or somethin....i was in, weighed, and told my bmi was .6-yes, point effin six too high....sorry but you'll have to come back when you've lost that 2 bloody pounds! furious isn't the word, Ive worked so hard, lost almost a stone, and done exactly what they told me-they actually said to ring for appointment when i was near my goal, and then they treat me like that! like i said, i think they had just dragged one of the nurses off her lunch- Hubby even said he didn't think she was particularly nice either. i just feel like all that effort has been rejected, and Im really quite down about it. Im meant to be going back this Friday, but Tbh Im finding it difficult to be motivated. xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Joanne - Try not to let the nurse get you down. Friday is so soon now just make sure you skip breakfast and don't drink much liquid before the appointment just to be extra sure!!! Is very frustrating they made such a fuss over such a tiny amount of weight. Sorry they wasted your time too going to that appointment and keeping u waiting, that is annoying after they told u to make an appointment before u quite at the weight. However, really exciting everything could get started on Friday!!! Surely that's a great motivator?! Try to focus on the positives. We have quite a few of those type of nurses at my clinic and they have really upset me at times, probably without them even giving it a second thought and it just not worth getting upset over cuz it will only get u down. I feel that if u get tx and it works then none of this will matter anymore, including the nasty nurses and the extra couple weeks wait over 2lbs. Hope it goes well on Friday.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Girlies, mega quick one from me, just to wish polly a load of luck for tomorrow!! Joanne that is so pathetic, bet you were just so sunken....but hey 2lb is nowt compared to what you have lost already and as I always say you can lose half a pound in a poo haha sorry girls!
Write more soon x x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly, just thought would log on before lunch to say hi and see how you're doing? Hope everything gone to plan today X


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## Catb33 (Aug 1, 2006)

Bump


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

All good. Both blastocysts survived the thaw (80% cell survival and 75% cell survival) and have been transferred. They were graded 4BC so bit better than said before and both still developing fine. Transfer was horrible as normal, took ages cuz they couldn't get tube in right place and they were 30 mins late calling me in so I was bursting for the toilet as well, however got them in and that is the important thing. LO still not well, doctor prescribed those rehydration salts so brother in law had to look after her while I went and she cried constantly when I was gone apparently, she having clear liquids only for 24 hours and then we going to try and introduce only bland food etc to try and build up gut and get her to keep something down. She has a cough today so think this not helping but I am really hoping she start getting better soon. Only been sick once today and think that due to her crying constantly the 2 hours I was gone, so think we are making progress. Anyway, I am PUPO with 2 blastocysts!!! Test day is 26th March.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Great to hear from you and congrats on being PUPO! Been thinking about you so logged on from time to time wondering if you would be on. Sorry to hear transfer a bit ropey but it's all done and an FET is so much less invasive than a fresh anyway so well done you. Now positive thoughts and keep busy (sounds like Isla will happily be keeping you busy, sorry to hear she's not well still).

Good luck!! 

Frothy XX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - How r u? How has your week been? Hope all is well with u.
Joanne - How did your appointment go today? Hope scales were your friend and u can finally start.

Isla is well again now but it did take a long time. The clear liquids seemed to do the trick and then I slowly reintroduced other foods and she has been eating pretty much non-stop since then!!! She clearly making up for the time she was ill. She also very grumpy - one of the molars has partially come thru - don't know how long it takes a molar to come all the way through?! But also think it has a lot to do with the fact that when she was ill she was spoilt rotten and allowed to be carried around or sat on me all day watching tv and having constant attention and she is having to get used to things being back to normal. She keeps tantruming when I don't pick her up when she demands it or when I put her down again!!! It also been a battle the last couple days to get her back into a napping routine, but getting better today. She also slowly seems to be accepting once again that she cannot be carried around constantly or be entertained by the television all day. We will get there in the end!!! She is strong minded like me! Lol So glad she is better though. Hated seeing her ill.

Am at my parents at the moment. DH went to visit his dad in hospital this afternoon and due to a chest infection this week he is still in intensive care and can't speak or swallow yet but they are hopeful he will get there which will be great. He is also still very swollen and not all that happy, but then u can hardly blame him being stuck in hospital so long and what he is going thru.

Will be going to cottage tomorrow for a week so doubt I will be able to post for a few days. Think it will be good to take my mind off the 2ww as well. Will try to generally relax but lots of options for day trips too and cottage is in 100 acres + of woodland owned by owners (just us and owners on the land) so lots of walks. Will also take baby backpack and do some walks along Pembrokeshire coast. DH and I both love walking - I am not into major hiking but love the countryside so love getting out and about on walks.

I don't know when we will test yet. On my other tx really wanted to know, but now I know what a bfn feels like not so sure I really want to get that result so soon. Know my af arrived last time before OTD so this may mean I have little choice in finding out sooner rather than later cuz clearly the pessaries are not enough to put af off if it is going to come.

No real symptoms either to speak of. No cramping certainly. Little twinges but I have them all the time anyway so don't think it is anything I can read into. Convinced this won't work but don't want to have to start over again. It is such a tough thing to go thru, and to do again and again. Still, I will, cuz even if it last thing I feel I want to do, know I have to keep pushing on. Would mean would have had 3 tx in 6 months!!! Anyway, keeping an open mind cuz obviously I would love to be proved wrong and have my bfp this time and not have to deal with more tx. Think FET was easier than ICSI cuz don't have to rearrange my life so much to fit in with it and not nearly so intense so not finding the 2ww difficult at the moment.

Am planning on enjoying the holiday and spending lots of time reading and out in the countryside and really happy to put tx to the back of my mind for this week at least. x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Unfortunately we got a bfn. Am gutted. Tested yesterday morning cuz today at parents and didn't want to be bursting into tears with them there! So shared a bottle of wine with dh yesterday evening and trying to put it behind us. I didn't have too high hopes of this tx working anyway cuz always knew odds against us. However, it is the thought that this could go on and on and on with negative after negative that is depressing cuz I know I can't stop. Having another baby just everything to me at the moment. Will start new tx on my next af. It has not arrived yet and have stopped all the drugs as of this morning, then I gotta wait till my day 21 and d/r for 2-3 weeks as I will be on long protocol again.

We had a lovely holiday btw. Lots of sunshine and warmth.

Hope u r both well Frothy and Joanne.


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## MrsJC (Oct 11, 2010)

so sorry to hear that Polly....don't know what to say except sending you     xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Thanks Joanne. I start wondering what I am doing wrong tho cuz don't get why both embryos implanted on my first cycle and last fresh and frozen none did. What is different?

How r u? Have u managed to get to your target weight?


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Oh polly I am so sorry to hear your news, must apologise for being all to pot with dates, didn't write back last wk as you said you were unlikely to get connection whilst away and I have lost all track of what date it is and your test date coming around. Absolutely gutted for you my love, so much to deal with. How is dh and are you being looked after emotionally? None of my business but have you considered a month or two off it all, get over the strain of the last few months or are you geared up mentally for a try sooner? Age and time are on your side. Sorry again x x

Afm we are still waiting for our amh results to come back. Feeling bright this weekend but I'm still prone to knocks v easily.

Joanne how you getting on, have you shifted that stubborn couple of pounds?

Polly you know where I am xx
Ps apols if spelling dodgy


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Thanks for your concern but I want to start again as soon as I can because I think it would be harder to get back to it if it stopped being part of this continuous process if you see what I mean, plus I would like to have a baby soon so I can be a stay at home mum and raise my children close together. Nothing will really get started till end of April anyway cuz of my clinic starting d/r on day 21 then having 2 or 3 weeks d/r, so think that will give me time to psyche myself up for the tough part. Anyway, I have not taken this one so hard cuz I was expecting it. DH has been around lately cuz of having holiday so that has been lovely. I have set myself September as the limit for us for this way of thinking, and I will continue to move forward as fast as I can until then with the IVF, but we want to move then and I know IVF taking up too much of my life at the moment so I cannot keep this up forever and think I will start applying for a job for Sept if all goes well with moving and no +ve. Even if not, IVF will have to stop being the priority after we move cuz it has definitely worn me down and can't go on this way. We will still continue with tx still but it will have to fit around what is happening with us and not the other way round after then cuz otherwise could see this eventually ruining my life if it took over for too long.

Hope your results are ok. What date u expecting them back? Glad u feeling bright this weekend. It is a good place to be even tho I know it fragile - it will get less so and glad u on the up.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey there, good to hear you are managing okay. Hope I didn't sound like I was trying to talk you out of immediately getting back on with a fresh cycle - it wasn't meant that way at all. I hit the wall after December's BFN and know that my body and mind aren't ready for any more just now, but we've never had a +ve and have had 2 operations to get over so think I just reached my limit in the new year for now. Well done for carrying on, they do say that you only relax once you get to the top of the mountain, not on the way up, I quite like that saying! Good too that you identify that it may start taking over your life and what steps you might need to take after September. When is Isla's next birthday and how old will she be? Work been very good for me keeping me going so you never know might not be a bad thing but who's looking at Sept now, you've a long way to go til then and hopefully good news. 

Test results due back prob in next fortnight. Trying not to think about them too much but every so often it all comes over me and I feel really weepy. But it probably sounds like I have given up on things and think my attitude towards IVF has been a bit negative lately so that's why I know I'm not geared up for another treatment just yet, need to be fully 100% positive come the next time (that's presuming there will be one). 

Write soon
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Try not to decide what the test will show before u get it back. Hopefully it will all be fine and you will get some reassurance.  

No, I know u were being thoughtful and have my best interests at heart. I think we are both in different places at the moment and also don't want u to think that I feel that going straight on is best for everyone - as u say, it all depends on whether u r ready physically and emotionally cuz it is such a tough thing to go thru.

I like that saying. I think it is true. I don't think it would make me feel any better to take a break from tx because I like getting things done, and I would feel much better knowing I am doing all I can. I am not so good at rest and relaxation - I like finding my next project or obsession! Whereas, I know other people are very different and prefer to recharge.

What have u been up to the last few weeks anyway? Hopefully u been pampering urself a bit while u waiting results and taking the time to heal in body and mind.


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## bearhug (Jun 19, 2009)

Hi girlies, just thought I'd pop in and say hello and give you a hug        . Sorry you're feeling down, and for Persian I'm sorry tx didn't work xxx


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Bearhug - How r u? How is the pregnancy going?


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy and Joanne - how r u? Haven't heard from u for a while. Hope all is well.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Sorry not been in touch for a few days, logged on yesterday from the iphone but was taking me so long to type on it I had a mini tantrum and decided to leave until I was at a pc! How are you doing? I see from your summary update that you're booked back on for your next fresh cycle - and your baseline scan is on my birthday so I hope it brings you luck! Keep us informed with how you're doing and are you feeling a bit more back on track after the sad news from a couple of weeks ago? Never goes away I know but something new to focus on now. 

We've had what we think is some bad news from the hospital. Well firstly I rang last week as it is about 6 weeks since my AMH results and they have lost my sample - can you believe they have no record of it at all so don't even have an audit of it having left the unit to go up to Glasgow so had to go back in on Weds for a re-test. The nurse asked me to ring her on Weds afternoon to make sure it had gone and when I rang her she said that DP's chromosome analysis results had come back and that something has been identified but she couldn't tell us what and that the consultant wants to see us in his office at 2pm today. She gave me the number of the genetics lab to try and get any more information to arm us ready for this aft but they wouldn't tell us anythign either so it has been a really anxious wait and today my stomach has done more flips than a circus act and just feel generally weighed down by it all. DP is convinced it is something bad and he has months to live or something, I think it is more likely to do with reproduction tests adn that there is an abnormality or something but we really don't know what to expect. It is obviously not good news with them wanting us in so quickly so just have to sit tight and wait for 2pm now. 
Last weekend we booked a hol to Tenerife flying out this Saturday so at a time when we should be getting really excited we just feel anxious and worried. Here's hoping that this afternoon isn't quite as bad as we are anticipating. 

How you doing Joanne, any news on progressing to treatment for you yet?

Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - How did your appointment go yesterday? Hope nothing as bad as you were expecting came up. Really useless about them losing your sample. Why didn't they call you back to get another sample?!!!! So ridiculous. Hope u told them this. Do tell me how u got on yesterday tho. Have u got a cycle booked now? How r u getting on with the weight loss?

AFM - My level 1 immunes came back and are all normal so hoping last ICSI was just bad luck. My clinic has mispaced my file after nurse took it to place drug order cuz they forgot before, but nurse seems to have taken file, not put in order and now no-one can find file. Can't get my drugs unless hospital places prescription so am chasing at the moment - 6 days till d/r!!!


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly, sorry for late reply and leaving you hanging on! 

Well as you know we were asked to go back to hospital at short notice on Monday afternoon to discuss the results of some of DPs blood tests, mainly a chromosome analysis that he had done about 6 weeks ago. It has been identified that there are abnormalities in three of his chromosomes but they are what is called a balanced transition which (in laymans terms, I think I’m explaining it right!) means everything is still balanced and in equal quantities and therefore he is healthy and fine. It is suspected however that when mixed with my own DNA the same abnormalities may be passed on in a potentially unbalanced way which could cause a high rate of miscarriage, or in our case so far, an embryo not implanting because it is not fit for life. 

We have been given an urgent referral to a genetic scientist to discuss in more detail – what risks we are facing, what percentage of success we could now be looking at etc and to understand the DNA make up of us both a little bit more. After that we will still be awaiting test results from my last test which I had redone last week. Won't be back for another 5-6 weeks so trying to put things to one side and enjoy our holiday, did I tell you we booked a hol flying out to Tenerife on Saturday? 

Overall if we do ever manage a successful pregnancy we need to prepare for tests and monitoring throughout and need to face risk of miscarriage or termination but we’re not even at that stage yet so at the moment are just taking one step and one day at a time and are not making any decisions until we have managed to gather all of the information we need. 

So only a few days til d/r for you - you feeling okay? 

Frothy X
PS - level 1 immunes? What is that? Hope the unit have found your files!!


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - I guess you will have to wait until u can see the genetic scientist before u can really understand the implications of DPs chromosome abnormalities. I really hope that it shouldn't impact too much on your chances of having a successful pregnancy. Do you know how long it will take before u can get some more conclusive answers? Think it is a big thing to take in, even tho it may not make as much impact as u fear, it is still something u didn't know u would have to think about. How r u and dp dealing with the news? Hope u r doing ok. Think u r right about taking it one step at a time, before u see the genetic scientist u can't really have a good idea about what extra tests or monitoring u will need so if u can think it great to take it one day at a time like u said and gather in all the information.

Maybe it a good thing ur AMH not back for a while - seems like u got enough to absorb at the moment without worrying about your AMH results. U have had a lot to deal with in the last few months.  Sending lots of hugs your way x


Think it great u booked a holiday! Give u and dp some time together to focus completely on each other and not think too much about anything else. Hope u have a lovely time! When do u go?

Well my stresses this week seem pretty insignificant in the scale of things really. I spent 3 days chasing my hospital to send off my drug prescription and they have lost my notes still and so in the end the nurse asked me what drugs I would need and we made a list and she got the doctor to sign it off so got the prescription to the drug company late yesterday afternoon and drugs were delivered today with 1 working day to spare!!! Start Monday morning and have the nasal spray for d/r. This time I also know I have all the right quantities of the drugs too cuz I got to tell her what I wanted ordered so that one less worry, however still concerned that they have not seen my notes since Monday when first nurse took them to order my drugs and lost them. Also, same as last time, find this time just before starting drugs over again really tough, cuz know what I been thru last ICSI and FET with negatives and don't want to go thru it over again but know I will, and will get thru it somehow. Longer this chain of negatives goes on tho, the more I want to hide away and pretend none of this happening. Still, even tho feeling sad today am generally fine.

Eating a low GI, high protein diet, low caffeine, lots of exercise and lots of supplements. Stop alcohol tomorrow after meal out with dh in evening, which I will miss. A glass of red wine is a great incentive to eat well all day and provides a treat when I trying to avoid reaching for the chocolate. Really trying to give this my best shot.

PS Level 1 immunes are basically thyroid function, immunoglobulins, thrombophilia panel and autoimmune antibodies. GP did them for free and just ruled some things out that could create problems for implantation. Can send u more info if u want.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

HI petal, well you sound on fighting form - go Polly! you sound very positive indeed for next cycle, glad to hear the nurses are listening to you this time. Finger, toes and everythign crossed for you. 
We are doing okay thanks, just not thinking of things too much really before hols. Went out for a few drinks last night (well holidays have to start a couple of days early don't they) and I just dropped into the conversation has he thought about adoption at all. In the past DP has always been very much that he couldn't even consider it but I was quite surprised last night that he didn't rule it out. Long way off though and not something I wanted to have a deep conversation about, just to drop it in really. We would have quite a bit of support if that was the way things went for us as we have friends who have adopted two girls so they would be able to tell us a lot about it. Anyway not given up on having our own just yet. 

WE fly out 8am tomorrow morning - and no I'm not sorted! Last night was supposed to be a bath/shave/nails night but got way layed in the pub and it didn't happen. Going to try and get away early today so had best log off and go get some work done! 

Not taking iphone away or anything - I like the kind of holidya where there's not a lot to remind you of home worries so try to avoid seeing any news or anything but will be in touch when back. 

Goodluck with d/r
Love Frothy XX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - So soon!!! Have a wonderful time and tell me all about it when u get back. Think it great dp is being open minded but think u r right to take things one step at a time - wait and see what the doctors say. Pub gotta take priority!!! lol I banned my dh from taking his iphone on one holiday and he actually did it and think it good to get a break. He very addicted tho and on it constantly checking football scores and reading the news etc so drives me a bit crazy. Hope u r bringing a few good books and magazines as well.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hello Mrs!
Long time no e-speak! How are you doing, have you started d/r and feeling okay? Got everything crossed for this fresh cycle for you. Been enjoying the nice weather too? 

We flew back from Tenerife on Saturday, honestly have not stopped since we got back (not even been in work) - getting everything sorted for a big party we're having tomorrow for Royal Wedding so been trying to get all the holiday washing done, big shops etc and had a day out at a theme park with my nephews yesterday. Holiday was mixed weather, think we had a bit of a freak week there as apparently it had been 30 degrees every day for a couple of months before but we had a day of torrential rain, so much so the beaches and roads flooded and sewers burst open (not a pretty sight). Flew home with rain too which I think is quite unusual but never mind, got some sun in between. Emotionally I was quite mixed as well - one minute screaming laughing at something DP did or said but quietly quite comtemplative and feeling a bit anxious about the latest news we had just received. My aunty had lent me a book, don't think she put two and two together, but it was (fictional) about a woman who craved a child but her husband didn't want one so she had an affair wtih his brother to try and get pregnant - obviously not my story (one hopes!) but some of the emotions played out in the book were pretty close to the bone and although I should have stopped reading it, I didn't and it made me a bit weepy at times. I think the top and bottom of it is that I am not very good at relaxing! 
So I've come back feeling that although I'm having a lovely break from work I think underneath everything I am probably quite highly stressed. There's a lot of layers to me and I don't think I am coping that well at the minute - knew it would come out; work keeps me so busy I dont' have much time to think but I knew it would come out some how. Rang the hospital the other day for an appt with the counsellor - not sure what I am expecting to get out of it but feel I just want to talk  without feeling guilty of what I say or how I am feeling. It was on the consultant's advice - perhaps he sees that things have been tough and I think it's probably right to take his advice. 
But anyway! Are you looking forward to the royal nuptials tomorrow? I wasn't really that bothered when they first announced it but now I can't wait to see her in her dress!
Hope things going well with you, write back when you get chance
Frothy XX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Hope your wedding party in full swing and going well. I definitely not got the energy to organise anything like that these days and know how much work it is so not surprised u been busy with that since u got back! Had tv on watching wedding since this morning - waiting for the balcony scene at the moment. Am enjoying getting into it all and love weddings, especially this so fairytale isn't it with young royals clearly in love.

Sorry to hear u had a couple of days of rain on your holiday but as u said, at least u had a few nice days in between and was good just to get away regardless of weather. What did you get up to or were u mainly relaxing by a pool? Know what u mean about knowing it not a good idea but not being able stop yourself reading with the book, although reading thru some of the emotions u feeling thru someone else's experience can also be therapeutic too even tho upsetting at times. It is the world we live in - doesn't make it easy to switch off and relax but sure it has done u more good than u realise to have got away with dh and taken some time out from normal routines.

Seeing a counsellor sounds like great idea if u think it might help u. As u say, even if they give u no further insight into anything (which they may well do as well) then it gives u chance to talk about whatever u like without worrying about what someone else thinks or taking up their time. Hope u find it useful. BTW think it natural to feel that way that u stressed and not coping - u have gone thru a lot and are still in the midst of tests and consultations and a lot of uncertainty. It is a very difficult time in your life so it is bound to feel very stressful.

d/r bit rubbish. Was fine for 3 days then on the 4th got killer headache that wouldn't go away for 2 1/2 days, and a felt dizzy, out of it and completely out of energy, but then gradually got better since then. Headaches went on and off, and now only come on when I forgotten to drink water for a little while so is much better. Know the pattern now (not great knowing I am an old hand at all this!!!). Am more tired than normal still tho, fell asleep at 9:30pm on dh while halfway thru watching last Harry Potter film so now gotta somehow find time watch other half without him within next 36 hours on tv rental! Lol Went to parents for last weekend cuz dh signed up to speeding course on Tuesday to avoid the fine and points. DH and I went for a long walk in Cotswold countryside and for pub lunch and afternoon tea in the Wolds which lovely and spent time with dh and my parents as well as meeting up with a few old school friends. DH been off work this week but last couple days just been relaxing really. Start stimming next Thursday which seems scarily soon now but looking forward to it. I could be pg in a month's time (tho of course wouldn't know it yet)! Really really hoping it works this time. DH got offer for masters at Cambridge so trying to decide if this really a viable option for us come September.

So where are you with dates? When is your next appointment? Do you go back to work Tuesday? Make sure u do ur best to have a relaxing weekend following your big party today, and hope u go back to work feeling refreshed.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Sorry for being rubbish and this being another late reply - been making the most of the nice weather, completely unusual to have this much sunshine for April/May - plus lots of party tidying up to do and getting back to normal for tomorrow.

How are the energy levels/dizziness doing for you? Not long til you start stimming - which is also my 35th (arrggh) birthday so I will be thinking of you naturally and wishing you lots of luck. Hope you have had a few nice days with DH being off as well. Do you live near the Cotswolds then? Sorry I always thought you were London (excuse my geography, you may well be laughing at that thinking that London is right by the Cotswolds - sorry) Can't beat the countryside. We are really close to the North Yorkshire moors, about 15-20 mins in the car and you're out in rural life so it's lovely. Same to the seaside as well (some parts pretty grotty though I must say) so it's nice sometimes just to have a breezy beach walk.

Well done to DH being offered a masters at Cambridge!! Wow, he must be thrilled. Have you come any closer to making a decision since you last wrote? 

Party went really well thanks, did you enjoy watching the wedding? Thought Kate looked amazing, she got it soooo right and was so elegant. Lovely. Pink fizz was flowing and one of my close friends got really emotional (there's always one!) saying she wished she hadn't married her husband (we are sure he heard) and that she had come off the pill in November because of pressure from him and that every month she prayed she wouldn't be pregnant. She has never wanted children and when they got married 18 months ago they agreed (she says) that he would respect that decision. But Polly I knew in my heart things would  change because you should see her husband around children, he clearly adores them and as we all get older and your friends have babies then I did think that he would want them after all. I haven't thought too much about it, funny how we're in completely different situations, can't help thinking there would be a bit of a bitter taste if she was to fall pregnant, knowing that deep down she didn't really want a family and here we are going through a complete nightmare. Anyway c'est la vie.

Back in work tomorrow, goodness me you will have to scrape me out of bed to go in! Usually even after a week I am ready to get back into it but I have had such a nice variety of seeing family and friends and eating/drinking what I like that I don't want to go back! I think I should just be a social butterfly but still have salary paid in to my bank every month, what do you say?? MUST get back onto the healthy eating plan though. Have easily put on at least half a stone and feeling very chunky indeed. Did a big shop earlier and got meals planned. Ashamed to say have not cooked a meal since back from Tenerife on Easter SAturday! Too much eating out to do, either at friends/family or can't be bothered cooking and going out for meal. NOT GOOD. So as I type I am crunching on pepper and hummous (good) and a large rose wine (not so good!). Seriously need to get my strict head on though - you haven't had chance to let yourself go since December's treatment I know but I said I was going to enjoy myself etc - which regrettably always goes on to my stomach and hips haha. 

Glad you think counsellor a good idea. Have you ever had anything like that? I had some private counselling about 6 years ago - I lost my dad 16 years ago which was a massive shock to the whole family and the system as he died in his sleep at 50 with no signs or anything. Didn't tackle it at the time and it all came to a head about 6 years ago so saw someone then and it was good for me. Struggling to find someone who really understands though and am hoping when the hospital ring back ( I will forgive them as it's been a short week last week and 2 bank hols) I find someone that I can confide in and open up to. 

Anwyay I am totally prattling on about myself - booooring!! Keep in touch, don't be as rubbish as me and hope you are feeling a bit more on the up. 

Love
Frothy XX


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

PS in my prattle I forgot to add that we have had our appt through with the genetist for 7 June - about 5 weeks off X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy,

Appointment 7th June... does this mean u have decided to put off plans for tx till after u have seen the geneticist? My clinic (Guys & St Thomas' London) are well known for PGD and most of the girls on my clinic thread having PGD alongside IVF or ICSI so quickly learning more about it all.

Would have thought u'd be feeling a bit down with going back to work so glad to hear u so cheerful - tho maybe that is the effect of the large glass of rose!!! I always hate evening before going back to work, is much worse than when I actually get there. Having been off work a year and a half am definitely missing it, miss the children so so much. Children so honest and open and love talking to them. My husband finds it amusing that I always say I like children and animals but not adults! lol You clearly are a lot more sociable than me!

Hope u have finished all the tidying up from your party now. Was great u had such good weather here on your second week off, even tho weather in Tenerife let u down a bit - not usually that way round!!!

I do live in London - sorry, I didn't make that very clear in last post. Mine and dh's parents live in Cheltenham the so-called 'heart of the cotswolds' and I love going for walks around the rolling hills and pretty villages there. I went to uni in York, and also think the moors are beautiful, tho in a very different way. In the winter looks so desolate but beautiful at the same time. I so have to move out of London, cuz want to give Isla that feeling at peace with the natural world. I can be stressed out at everything but second I get away from it all to countryside it all dissipates and I feel whole again. DH was at uni in Durham while I in York and we did the distance relationship thing for the three years which I found impossible, but meant I drove up that stretch of motorway a lot, and took lots of late night train journeys on Friday and Sunday evenings. We also explored the coast, and it is those old mining places. I am so rubbish at place names but one place up by you the beach is lovely and there a lovely cliff path then u walk further down and it all discoloured like alien landscape from all the old mining waste. Maybe I should look up where that was. Anyway, hope u take the opportunity to take advantage of that rural life a lot. Think that more therapeutic than counselling - tho maybe that just me!

As for counselling. I definitely think it right thing for some people, but wasn't right thing at right time for me. When I first started uni I hated it and got depressed, this partly to do with my course, with having an idealistic view of what uni would be, and also cuz dh and I trying and failing at long distance relationship. I stayed cuz dh and I decided to take a break and I didn't know how much of my unhappiness was tied into all that, and I felt pressured not to be a drop out. Having stayed when everything in me crying out to leave for so long kind of killed a part of me, the idealistic, live your life true to you and your instincts part of me that maybe would have died anyway with life's experience and to cope with this I shut myself away. Anyway, I basically ticked all the boxes on uni counsellor form to say I was suicidal cuz wanted them to listen, but she just tried to teach me breathing and visualisation exercises for my anxiety and said she thought that should help. The other one was my mother's counsellor (who she really likes so clearly she got more out of her sessions) just agreed with me when I explained course and uni experience, and said it understandable. He said he thought I would be fine when I finished and I had decided that what I wanted to do so we sort of ran out of things to talk about. I think how much u get out of counselling really depends on the counsellor tho, and also why u going. I wanted to be happy and to leave uni, but obviously that not what counsellors do so don't go on my experience, it very different. I do think the best counsellors can do much more than just being a supportive listener tho even that can be really useful sometimes. Give it a try, u got nothing to lose and it may help u.

Ur friend at party with husband who wants kids and she doesn't, she doesn't seem very happy. Hope things work out in a way they both can make work for them. Doesn't seem like an ideal situation. It could go either way tho, maybe it will give her ammunition to make her husband feel eternally indebted to her and guilty for making her do that, or maybe the maternal side of her will kick in when she gets pg and it will never get brought up again cuz they both feel it right once baby there. Still, bit of a life destroying gamble. U r right, guess it does make a contrast to your situation as well, however hopefully it will work out the right way and u will get ur baby and she won't until she lets go of the bitterness and resentment, cuz that the way it deserves to be if any justice.

Happy Birthday for Thursday!!! Hope u will be celebrating! Thank you for sending the luck my way - think we need it after last 6 months with 2 negatives. Energy levels still not great but getting along well enough, nice having dh around last week, and dizziness and feeling ill much better. Feel more myself. Or maybe I just got more used to myself on d/r! Scared of stimming. Scared of a future with bfn after bfn after bfn. Still, I know this the right thing so gotta keep moving forward with it all. I not been so strict with diet last few days either with dh in the house cuz he not so good at feeding himself, so whenever I get something for him it easy to get for me too! Went out to lunch today (starter and main!) and even went out for tea (herbal) and cake the other day.  However, not weighing myself till after tx and know I gotta get super strict come Thursday so being little more relaxed for now. Am going to start protein shakes on Weds ready, and they actually say on the tin 'not recommended for weight loss' which depressing as well! All in good cause tho and none of that will matter if get pg.

You did say about your dad, sorry to hear of your loss. Must have been an awful shock. Glad the counselling helped you tho. Maybe u could go back to same counsellor if u felt u worked well with them?

And u think u talk a lot?!!!.... x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey - just a quick hi to say thanks for lovely long response! Survived first day back at work, knew it would be fine, I love it really. By 11.00am it was like I had never been away, was just like a slug the first couple of hours not really knowing my name never mind anything else. 

That's awful you didn't settle at uni - so you left after all mid way through your degree? I was at Bradford doing German & Spanish but dad passed away that first summer so only did a year and never went back. Don't regret it now but at the time it was a bit scary facing the big wide world. Def agree it depends on your counsellor. Yes the one I saw was good but I went back to see him a couple of years ago to talk about IVF but I don't think he was specialised enough in the topic - he was obviously lovely and supportive but I got the vibe he didn't really 'get' it. 

Got a call this morning from hospital counsellor - was bad timing as someone was in office with me so said I would call back. Hoped her phone might go onto voicemail so as to at least leave a message but didn't so will just keep trying,.

Rang hosp this afternoon and AMH result not back yet, and I was telling nurse about latest appt with genetist. In answer to your question yes we will have to put tx on hold until we are a bit furhter forward with that. She did say that pre-implantation genetic tests could be an option for us if the consultant thought it would be viable, they don't offer the service at our hospital but could hopefully get it funded for us. It's something to think about anyway. 

So have you been super healthy today then? I have been very disciplined indeed and must sign off as going to my dance class in half an hour and wanted to prepare a stir fry beforehand just to throw in the wok when I get in about 8.45pm. Keep going til stimming, will write more soon

Frothy X


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly, just logged on this morn to say good luck with starting stimming today - you're half way through, stick in there!! XX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

My scan today went fine. Lining 3.0cm, ovaries calm (this is relative of course with my PCO!). Nurse said could do jab myself later if I liked (really does make me feel old to this game the way they talk to me now) which I am going to do so 1st and 2nd jabs will be closer together in time cuz will do others at about 8pm every day normally. She also said to keep going on at the doctors each time I go in to remind them that I want more eggs this time (which I was planning on doing anyway) and make sure I get them look back at my notes before reducing dose or deciding when EC will be. She said I will probably be stimming a while this time, maybe longer than last time even to get more follies up but slowly. Hoping it works. If they tell me reduce my dose from current 112.5 again I gonna insist talk to doctor personally or else I not doing it (I getting expert at being the difficult patient too!!!) altho obviously I didn't tell them this today! Lol Anyway, happy to be starting stimming once again.

Not quite half way thru - certainly not halfway thru the stress!!! Lol But getting there. Don't really care what I have to go thru if get a baby it just so frustrating knowing do all this and maybe for nothing. Hoping not that way this time.

Glad u survived first couple days back and enjoying it!

No, I stayed at uni and got my degree - did the sensible thing but forgot how to trust in my instincts which I had always naturally done up until that point. I am such a driven, energetic person know would have done fine without it, or gone back somewhere liked better, and not lost that trust in myself so do regret that but water under the bridge and all that.

Think u r right. Much better talk to someone who u don't have to explain IVF to, who just knows, so u can talk about what really matters to u, working out ur thoughts and feelings about it. Did u manage to get back to that counsellor and get an appointment?

Definitely, good to think there are options out there for u to explore re. pgd etc Hope u get the amh results back soon. Do u know when u will get to see the genetic consultant yet to discuss all this?

Not really super healthy, but will be now (she says!!!!). I not fallen off the wagon properly at all last few weeks tho so figure small chocolate with meal isn't so bad. Gotta be strict now given go ahead for stimming tho. Thing will find most difficult is trying to drink disgusting whey protein shakes this time, and also drinking 2l of water, cuz my headaches have improved so not so much instant incentive. Plus I don't like water, but am determined not to have my usual sugar free squashes cuz apparently some of the artificial stuff in them bad. I don't know, but am trying everything. Glad to hear u been doing well with healthy eating. U go to dance class then? What kind of dance? That good way to keep fit. Think best ways keep fit are those u don't do for the purpose of keeping fit but cuz u enjoy it. At uni went to exercise classes with friend and so much more motivating if both u going and can chat the whole time!!!


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi there Polly

Good to hear from you, you do make me laugh when you talk about your clinic and the doctors - don't stand for any rubbish! Good sign from scan, know just what you mean about being familiar with everyone and everything now, the nurses at our place are virtually on our christmas card list! You're right though, it doesn't matter what you go through provided you get a baby at the end but sadly there's no guarantees are there. I think I am getting more accepting of the fact that actually we may never have our own. Massive thing to get head round but do honestly believe i'm on a different journey now. Still in limbo obviously waiting for my bloods which still aren't back. 

Yes the counsellor did ring me thanks on Weds and we arranged an appointment for 3rd week in May. Feeling okay at the minute, was dreadfully hormonal earlier in week and in lot of pain from period but seems to have settled. Out tonight with the girls for my birthday so looking forward to that and kind of back in a 100mph life which although I moan sometimes think probably suits me quite well so don't have to too much time to think. 

I've heard that about sugar free stuff too. I'm quite lucky as have always drank loads of water - usually have a 1.5l bottle every day at work so don't find it difficult to have more. Always think for people who don't like it though must be harder. No I don't think a little chocolate with meal is bad whatsoever!! 

Dance class wasn't on! Haven't figured out why yet. Drove over and car park empty and doors locked. So went for a jog instead, only did 10 mins and it nearly killed me, and that's only from having 2 weeks off doing it yikes!

Hope stimming going okay, thinking of you
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - How r u? Have u got ur bloods back yet? Glad u got an appointment booked with the counsellor and also that ur period pain settled. Sounds awful the pain u get. Hope the birthday drinks went well. I know other people who also like living the busy life, however I like a mix, I love being busy sometimes but at the end of the day I really love sitting down for a couple of hours and doing nothing. By nothing I mean watching tv, going on the internet or reading a book. When I was depressed and anxious at uni I got to the point where I was terrified of having to be alone with my thoughts and used to do anything to try and keep my mind occupied, however now I like having time to myself. It helps to keep me centred. Still, other friends say that it does the opposite to them and they prefer being on the move all the time. So long as it suits u then u already got that life pretty well set up for yourself at the moment it sounds like! U one busy lady!

Also u talked about coming to terms with possibility of not having ur own baby. Tho it good to try and get ur head around the possibilities, don't give up on ur dream of having a baby of ur own yet. Know it good to look at other options but don't let go of the idea of having ur own at this point if u r sure it is what u want. Think u r dealing really well with everything being thrown at u. Stay strong.

Think it great u drink loads of water. Very healthy! How is the jogging going? I am missing my chocolate. I told DH this time after EC I am going to have 1 glass of wine, eat lots of chocolate and exercise!!! Of course I may not feel like the exercise when it comes to it, but I can't see how it would do any harm to relax a bit before ET when my body not required to do anything other than be there! Tho it does seem like a million miles to get to ET. Always worry about all the things that could go wrong every day.

So anyway, update... day 5 bloods 1100 oestrogen, day 6 (today) scan 19 follies largest 12mm, lining 7mm and awaiting blood results. Still on 112.5 Gonal F however scared they will reduce it this cycle as with the other two and will end up with less eggs. Also scared of them not reducing it and having OHSS. So really to sum it up, I am sat here awaiting a phone call (as I was yesterday and will be doing every day this week I expect) and feeling very nervous about everything. I forgot how much of an emotional wreck I become during these 2 weeks or so up to ET! Am slowly losing the plot on the IVF and everything is baby, baby, baby.... Oh well.


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## angiebell (Mar 23, 2010)

I had 2 8 cell blasts put in last Tuesday and 2day I'm having really bad cramps , back pain and spotting I'm hoping dis is normal ?? I'm trying 2 luk at all ur posts on my phone my laptop is broke  is der anything here I can take as a good sign ?? Any answers good or bad wud b greatly appreciated as dis is my first round of ICSI so don't know war 2 Tink  I also done hpt 2day I know it's a little early but I got bfn


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Angiebell - Cramps and spotting can be caused by implantation of embryos (good) or the progesterone u taking (which wouldn't give u any idea about anything really) or impending af (bad). No way to tell until u done test. But it IS normal so don't worry about it.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

How you doing, scans sound like they're doing well - 19 follies already, that's great! Are you feeling okay? Know just what you mean about baby baby baby, that's why I needed a break from things as it was becoming my identity and it was all a bit woah. 
Yes I do have quite a hectic time but also love nothing more than a book or slobbing out in front of telly - did you watch Apprentice last night - hooked!! Am on a new book at the mo, mum got it for birthday last week and I don't want to put it down! 
thanks for asking about night out - it was brutal!! Not quite sure at what point I got to the point of barely knowing where I was but it happened so I had to deal with the hangover the next day - oh and a bleeding foot!! Must have been dancing shoe-less, deary me. 
My AMH results are back and are 26.3. The nurse said that is absolutely fine but that's all I know - do you know much about it and whether that is an okay result? So we're pleased with that but then we're facing the fact that it is most likely that this chromosomal issue is reason for no implantation so got that to deal with next but haven't given up and am not giving up just yet, just think mentally it's the journey I am going on but still hanging on in there! 
How is DH and have you made a decision about Cambridge yet? 
Have you got a date for EC yet? You haven't had chocolate this whole time? wow how good are you! You can look forward to that with the collection is over, must be in next week or so though right? 

Off out to dinner with a consultant tonight, can't really be botehred and really trying to be very disciplined so the last thing I need is a big mid-week pig out so if I finish on time might try and do a little 10 min jog (seriously about all I can manage) before going out! 

Angie - congratulations on your ET....Polly is right with her advice, it's totally normal and there are women who have cramping who get their BFP and other who sadly get a BFN - there's no real knowing until test date so hang on in there....and no more hpts!

Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Well think it is good news. My bloods yesterday were 2000 so although this is high, I think taken with the scan which shows 19 so not TOO high then they are ok with this which is good, so they have decided to give me a couple days off and staying on 112.5 until scan and bloods on Friday. I know dose still relatively low so not sure how many of those follies will keep developing, but will have to wait and see what scan shows on Friday and at least no dose reduction so that is good.

That AMH result is pretty much average for ur age. They only get worried about it really when it is under 10, especially if it is under 5. So that all sounds really good and must be a weight off your shoulders. Know u still have the chromosomal issue, but at least now u have more answers, and hopefully the geneticist will say u can solve that with PGD.

Hope dinner with consultant this evening goes well, and u manage to stay disciplined with what u order. 10 min jog is still good exercise and gets ur heart rate up so good for u for doing that. Also, any exercise that gets ur heart rate up will speed up your metabolism for rest of the day so it definitely worth doing.

Sounds like u had a great night out - shame u don't remember all of it!!! Lol Think u gotta do that now and again tho.

I had my book group last night so haven't watched the Apprentice yet tho it was on record so will watch it this evening. I been storming thru books at the moment. Had my book group book to read last week, was heavier going than I anticipated and nearly 500 pages, I only ever start them a week before so it fresh in my mind but only just got it finished in time this time. Am about to start Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow by Peter Hoeg. Was on sale for 10p at my library. What is ur new book?

Anyway, I still thinking baby, baby, baby but think gotta give in to that for the moment cuz would be futile trying to distract myself when so much going on. Getting quite uncomfortable too, not sure if it the follicles or the drugs. Probably a combination. Went with my mum and Isla to Tate Modern this morning to see the Miro Exhibition which I really enjoyed, then took Isla up to 5th floor play area and she went crazy over their slide up there. Then had lunch and just got back. Either park or garden centre this afternoon depending on the weather. Started getting irritable with my mum yesterday afternoon but aside from that am doing ok with her being here and she been here 3 days now, she usually drives me bit crazy so think I am doing well! lol

Forgot to answer few more qs. Cambridge no decision yet, dh gotta go there first really so he gets more info and better idea and he hasn't, but there no hurry on deciding for couple months. Offer stays open. EC day undecided. Probably will be Mon, Tues or Weds. Don't know more accurate than that yet.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey Polly

Your morning at the Tate sounds lovely, you still having good weather down there? Wow you did well reading 500 pages in a week; I only really manage reading in bed unless I have a quiet time in the evening but would never get through that in a week! Not heard of the author or title of this one you're reading; what's it about? My new one is Secret Smile by Nicki French. Nicki French is apparently a husband and wife couple - it's Nicki something and Michael French and they write together doing a chapter each, although you would never know. It's a psychological thriller about a stalker and is getting good! 

That's a relief to hear about the AMH results sounding average. The nurse told us that when we see the genetist next month we should mention pre implantation testing - it's not offered at our unit but would probably be able to get it funded. 

Meal went well thanks, I have to admit I could not be bothered going at all, making small talk etc but it was fine and a nice group of people. Hideously expensive (even compared with London prices) but as I didn't pick up the tab that doesn't matter haha. 


Good luck for scan tomorrow; hope those follies are doing what they should be doing.

Frothy X


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## angiebell (Mar 23, 2010)

So spotting turned into full on af  but I will do frozen cycle !! And I will still do my hpt on d 15 th !


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Angiebell - Sorry to hear ur news. Good luck with your frozen cycle! Sounds like u don't have to wait long to get started.

Frothy - I at home all the time so read in small bursts throughout the day. Yes, weather still very good here. That is strange idea writing book with alternate chapters like that. Will have to look it up. I like reading emotional drama and family saga type books. One for my book club was so-so. Next book club I am hosting and have chosen 'Intuition' by Allegra Goodman which supposed to be good and figure it gives a lot to talk.

My scan went well. 7 18mm and another 5 between 14 and 18mm, then more between 10 and 14. I was told EC would be Monday unless my bloods 10,000 or more in which case I would have to coast, so was waiting anxiously until they finally called at 5:20pm and said bloods 5000 so is fine. Also they are letting me have Gonal F in the afternoon before my trigger to try and stop follicles going backwards like last time so had less follicles 14mm or above on the day than on the last scan 3 days before which was frustrating. For once I actually happy with all the decisions they have made throughout this cycle so far which I have never been before so going into EC feeling positive. EC will be Monday 11am.

Also, on sadder note my Granny passed away yesterday. My mum was staying with me to help with lo so she had to leave yesterday but got back in time to see my Granny before she died and hold her hand which was important to her. My granny was 89 and had been independent up until she went into hospital a few days ago so think it not a bad way to go, tho is still sad.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi polly

Ah sorry to hear about your granny, that's sad news. How are you feeling today? Been a hectic weekend as was working yesterday so only had one day this weekend to cram everything into! Just wanted to log on to say hi and will be thinking of you tomorrow. Let me know how you get on and everything crossed x x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Got 18 eggs! Made us wait around for ages to check sperm ok. Not feeling 100% confident cuz as we were waiting for so long they were able to tell us of those only 9 fully mature, 1 immature and others M2 (as in 1 stage away from being mature) so they hoping they will mature in the lab so can be injected. This a bit annoying cuz they took me in half hour early (so only 35 1/2 hours after trigger) when supposed to be 36-40 hours after trigger to let them have a chance to mature. I did point this out at the time and they said by the time all sorted would be 36 hours, but can't have been cuz I was out by then. Still, fingers crossed others do have chance to mature in the lab. Not sure how often that happens, but don't normally know anything at this stage, kind of wishing hadn't asked now cuz would know tomorrow anyway. Still, if had asked me this morning if I would be happy with 9 fully mature eggs I would have been ok with that so know it not so bad just fed up with Guys making mistakes is all. Was happy to have 18 eggs!!!


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Wow that's brilliant news!! 18 is fab, hoping you get a good fertilisation rate from your mature ones! You are so funny the way you are so on the ball about timings, I wouldn't have a clue. You feeling okay tonight then and how is DH? 

Been a crazy day today, only just sat down and we're tuned into Made in Chelsea, hilarious.

Let us know your progress and well done! 

Frothy x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Call today that they managed to inject 17 eggs so the others did mature in culture so they must have just needed a bit more time and 10 fertilised. Not sure why fairly low fertilisation as is ICSI. Hoping won't affect quality of the other embryos cuz know it often goes in batches. Tho it is weird cuz had 70-90% fertilisation last 2 cycles of those eggs they could inject so worried that my egg quality not good. Know we using frozen sperm so may affect, or thinking maybe could be to do with the fact that I had several follicles with 2 eggs so they might not have been fully grown?!?! I don't know. But worrying about quality... Nothing else to do but wait till Thurs. ET scheduled for 9:30am Thurs unless we get a call. The anciety is killing me at the moment, not sure how I going to get thru next 2 weeks. Is so depressing that with every bit of good news is bad news. All I really care about is getting pregnant and hopefully at least 1 of those 10 is good quality and that is all I need.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Well done love, that is brilliant, don't be disappointed and remember every cycle is different so maybe best to try not to compare, although it's totally natural of course. Do you remember my last cycle, we got 18 too and only 7 fertilised and I was devo'd but it was still 7 and in your case you have even more! And you will have read the threads about people with a much lower number to start with and they get their bfp! So relax until thurs, have that glass of wine and choc and will be praying for you.

Just about to start doing some work, feeling v behind and bit out of control work wise so gonna try and claw a bit back. Just had a lovely chicken and new potato salad, not sure how appreciative dp will be of that on his return from football!!

Speak soon
Frothy x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Always sounds like u work so hard!! Hope it all feeling back under control and u r having a good week.

Good news today! Of the 10 embryos they are all still growing and dividing and doing well. 1 has decided to sprint ahead and is 13 cells (day 3) so may well burn out, but embryologist says u can't know for sure yet, but the others are all 7, 8 or 9 cells and looking good so ET has been delayed till Saturday as we are going to blastocysts. I asked about having 2 put in and she wrote this down and said if it is what we really wanted then it is our risk tho they will discuss it all Saturday. For me I think this is what I want tho I might change my mind if the quality is very good as last time (ICSI and FET) the blastocysts were only so-so or not that good so maybe that contributed.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

That's brilliant news, well done, you must be really chuffed! Were your embryos doing this well last cycle in December? I cant' remember sorry. We have never got to blasto stage so they must be doing very well. What time are you in SAturday? It's funny I was thinkign about you this morning, didn't go in until 10am today and was getting ready and glanced at clock and it said 9.32 and I thought ah Polly will be going into theatre - but it didn't happen! 

Yes having better week than last week thanks, haven't managed to do any classes or runnign except for a very short one this morn as been doing some nights this week and have a cosmetic surgery event on tonight (the weather is gorgeous, I could SOOO do without it) but hoping to do a bit more exercising this weekend. 

Keep me informed 
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Kind of u to be thinking of me. Just a quick one as more than ready to fall into bed... ET is 10:10am Saturday. Hope cosmetic surgery event wasn't too bad and weather stays gorgeous for u for the weekend.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Guess you'll be either en route or already in hospital as I type...hope you had a peaceful night's sleep in preparation for today. I'm figuring whether to go on a bike ride, had a few wines last night so slightly groggy, know I should get up and go but my get up and go has got up and gone! 
Let me know how today goes, I've got a good vibe on this one X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Hope u decided to go for a bike ride - the weather is too nice not to be outside. I woke up at 5:10am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, think it combination of nervous and light mornings. Had ET and it went so smoothly, first time they did it just like that. I asked for the stiffer catheter or whatever the tube they use is called cuz they ended up having to use it on the cycle with Isla and last two they been fiddling around for about 10 minutes with the normal soft catheter and still didn't sound confident so maybe it was that but feels good to have a smooth transfer for once. Hope it good sign. As for the embryos, only 1 of them was expanded blastocyst and it was BB so is ok and better than last time at least. They put that one in but I had asked for 2 to be put in so they also put in an early blastocyst that was looking good (tho of course is a bit slow as is only early blastocyst). I was happy to have made that decision about 2, and they were fine with going with that. After 2 negatives think need to do anything to increase chances of it working. OTD is 1st June. Hope u enjoy the rest of the weekend.


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

I just got the call to say they have frozen 3 of our spare blastocysts, 2 are not great quality as last time - expanded but are 4CC so low chance but still chance so worth freezing, however one is hatching!!! Yay! And is 5BB. So it caught up again and is now where it should be on day 6 and is pretty good in terms of quality too. I am so pleased. We have never had a hatching blastocyst! Hoping it freezes well. Also hoping this is a good sign for the ones they put in.

I also have a sore throat this morning and my wisdom tooth hurting so stressing this could increase my immunes or something.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hey Polly

Congratulations on your ET and your frosties - that's great news! Did you do anything different in preparation this time with your embies being a better quality? Are you enjoying being pupo? 
I have my first councelling session this afternoon - have not done what I said and planned anything but maybe best just to let it flow with it being the first one. DP said am I sure I'm doing it at the right time as I seem quite perky and bright at the minute but I kind of think I should stick to the appt as am sure there will be lots to talk about. I seem to be okay when I'm not faced wtih having to tackle the subject or face babies but suppose in a way that's burying my head a bit and you never know when the next situation will come along and knock you for six.
Had a really quiet, lazy weekend, must have needed it as energy levels been dead low. Dragged self to zumba yesterday morning then spent rest of afternoon watching films, eating chocolate and drinking wine!! We are usually on the go all weekend so don't feel too guilty I suppose but the indian takeaway last night won't have helped the waist line! Not finding it easy to lose weight at the minute, feel under pressure to get this stone off but there's always some kind of celebration or meal or something - need to reign myself in and not bow to temptation quite so much!
Brilliant news about everything your end, you must be dead chuffed.
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

How r u? I am going bit crazy on the 2ww!!! Had af type pains/ cramps on and off and can't decide if they good or bad, tho had them when bfp and bfn so know it probably absolutely neutral and is the cyclogest. Still, impossible not to read into every twinge or cramp. In terms of doing anything different, I took supplements and protein shakes and had a strict diet, however I don't think it did improve the quality as last fresh cycle I had a much better fertilisation rate (5/7 in Dec and 10/17 this time) and of those that fertilised all made it to day 3 being good quality both times and in Dec 3/5 got to expanded blastocyst whereas this time I had 5/10 of those that fertilised get to expanded blastocyst. I know I got a hatching blastocyst this time tho that was not put in unfortunately so has been frozen (hoping those I do have on board also hatched but maybe will never know) and I think that partly due to fact if u get more than twice number of eggs then it more likely u end up with a few more blastocysts to choose from. None of them were more than B grade this time which is same as last time and most of mine both times seem to be slow growers to get to blastocyst tho that often genetic and doesn't necessarily mean anything. Think it tough to get A grade tho and embryologist said shouldn't read too much into grading as it is only a guess cuz they got nothing else to go on and also that the grading is subjective. Really don't believe there much u can do about quality. A lot of it is related to age and genetics and the rest to do with stimming drugs (or that is what I believe). I think I would do the bee products again as that not much effort but that is it. I know some people recommend dhea but I not doing that cuz it can increase risk of OHSS as I produce a lot of follicles.

Was enjoying being pupo but now am 10 dpo know either they will have implanted or they won't. That is it. So not really enjoying it anymore, and instead driving myself crazy wondering whether have or not. Don't know how I will survive the weekend!!! Went out and bought 4 tests today but don't know whether to use them. Not sure which is worse.

How did ur counselling session go? Was it useful and did u like the counsellor? 

I definitely need a lazy weekend now and again. Think that is what weekends for most of the time, tho u seem much more sociable than me! Did u enjoy the zumba? Lots of ppl seem to have taken that up so got me curious as no real idea what it is like. Jealous of ur afternoon - would love to spend an afternoon watching films, eating chocolate and drinking wine... bliss!!! LO does not let me watch films, obviously wine not good idea right now altho healthy diet not so much anymore, popped into Sainsburys while out buying all those pg tests and bought some fresh baked cookies, and they were 2 for £1.50 so had to buy 2!!! Lol I also had an Indian takeaway sunday evening which was delicious and my waistline not really my priority at the moment so don't even feel guilty! Sure me talking like this not very helpful to u tho while u trying to lose that stone. Know the feeling about always being something. While stimming was a bit rubbish as my friend had a tea party and I went along but of course could not have any tea or any cake!!! 

U never told me when ur geneticist appointment is? I think it must be much harder losing the weight if u don't have that incentive of a target date for knowing when tx begins to know when need to lose it for. U could set weekly targets tho for more manageable steps towards the stone. I did that after frozen cycle and said 0.5Kg a week, and altho I didn't always make that (only had 4 weeks and ended up losing 1Kg I think instead of 2 in 4 weeks but had also lost 1Kg before the frozen in 2 weeks - will probably have another 2Kg to lose after this fresh tx too but lets not think about that) it was definitely good to have it in mind when I stepped on the scales each day so if I hadn't lost anything for a couple days I tried harder the next 2. There loads of plans out there too - watched that program on crash diets a while ago. I know it tough but I think the Cambridge diet sounds really good as don't see how couldn't lose weight on it and it not about deprivation but controlled calories. Anyway, sure u will lose it one way or the other if u motivated but think it probably a difficult time for u at the moment with everything going on to be able to motivate urself to lose that stone. Won't always be that way and know u will get there.

Hope ur week this week going well.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi polly
Thx for lovely long post, sorry that this won't be anywhere near this long as on tiny keyboard again on iPod and can't face all the typos it puts in! Been in Stratford upon Avon for few days with dp, have you been? Not familiar with that part of the country at all and  in love with it! Stayed at a lively manor house hotel and had swims and saunas as well as nice meals out and drinks, lovely.

So I have a feeling test date is tomorrow?  On your post you said you bought 4 tests, so did you manage to hang on?? Wishing you lots of luck. Oh I know, these bloody cramps drive you insane, not the most racing fortnight for one is it.

Thx for asking, appt with genetics is a week today. Yes need some focus now again. Councillor was good, if you can call it that! We bonded and to be fair she got me on a good day so mood was bright. In again in June.

Got everything crossed for you 

Frothy x x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Ps ....that is lovely manor house .....and not most relaxing fortnight!


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Been a very emotional day. tbh I been testing +ve since 11dpo (now on 16dpo). Today I also tested positive on hospital pee test, however at same time I did clearblue conception indicator and it said 1-2 weeks. I should be 2-3 as am 16dpo. I have been drinking 3L + of water a day (cuz I have had quite a lot of mild OHSS symptoms since Saturday altho they slowly got better since I upped my water intake - hoping that also not a bad sign) and had a couple glasses of water within hour before bed as well, so woke up bursting at 5:30am so tested then (went to bed at 11:30pm) so really hoping it just cuz less concentrated cuz I drinking so much!!! However, it is just so so stressful cuz I know it not way the result should be right now. I also aware that conception indicator is not as accurate as pg or not pg, however it should still be pretty accurate (they claim 92% tho this is average and only claim 75% week 2-3). Clinic say a +ve is a +ve and refused to do a blood test cuz they don't think it very useful, and have booked me in for first scan 22nd June. I went to doctor this afternoon and explained but he said he thinks it about right cuz I only 16 dpo, and that beta wouldn't tell me much more, and said what would I do with the result anyway? If it is high it would be reassuring but if it on lower side I would get even more stressed out even tho he said lots of pg ladies have lower beta HCG during very early days and healthy pg. He did give me the form for the blood test anyway and I had it booked for later in the afternoon, however after lots of tears I decided not to go cuz the GP is right. Until scan then I won't be able to know anything conclusively (unless I start bleeding in which case that will tell me anyway!!!) and doing that stupid test has got me so upset I don't want to risk making it even worse for myself by obsessing over the figure. He said they wouldn't do further beta hcg anyway so I wouldn't be able to know if doubling or not but would only have a number. I decided instead to buy a couple more of those tests and test again to see if it goes up, if it does go to 2-3 then 3+ then it probably means my levels just not rising exactly evenly or as the average, or else was the extra fluid making less concentrated, if it doesn't go up and no bleeding in about a week then will probably get that blood test for closure cuz by then will tell me more. Have not been able to go get tests today so won't be able to test tomorrow. Do take this as a warning tho - if u do get pg whatever u do DO NOT USE THE CLEARBLUE CONCEPTION INDICATOR!!! Googling it shows just how many ladies get stressed out by them and usually for no reason. Still, I feel in limbo now and cannot celebrate the bfp cuz scared am losing it already. It all feels too much to cope with right now.

Hope everything ok with u.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly, well I think congratulations are in order young lady! You sound way too stressed at the minute to take things in, possibly a mix of the hormones etc but you should cut yourself some slack and relax until the 22nd - and what will be will be.That sounds quite blunt doesn't it and isn't meant to offend, I just mean by testing every day and worrying about HCG levels it won't make the outcome any different. Did you feel the same way with Isla? You have done really well to get your BFP which is what you so wanted but now you sound like you're talking yourself out of it and have to agree with your GP if I'm honest. 

How is DH and is he chuffed with the news?

Sorry it's a short one, read your reply last night but only just had chance to log on. Frothy X


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi polly,how you doing? Just logging on quick before zumba to see how you're doing. Things ok? X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Yes, been away a few days with my granny's funeral service and then a wedding in Somerset. Since writing I have done 2 more tests, one friday with same superdrug test as did 11  and 13 dpo and line came up straight away and was much darker than before, then did the clearblue conception this morning and it gone to 2-3 weeks (which is what I am) so that ok. I may do another clearblue conception in a few days, however will have a think cuz doing that first one on OTD was a mistake and got me so stressed out and not sure it worth the worry as what will be will be. Will have to wait till scan to know anything for sure whatever it says, but needed to do that second clearblue today for reassurance that miscarriage not immediately imminent. I was really stressed and upset on OTD because of that test, however I did try and ground myself after seeing the GP and as I said decided not to follow up with blood test and since then I have been a lot better. I am so scared of losing the baby, however I feel accepting of things right now so am not panicked anymore just hoping and praying baby stays safe. Longing to see a heartbeat on the scan. That would be amazing and I might start believing it then. For now, I am going to remain cautious and not get my hopes up too high cuz this process kills me and I find the heartbreak so difficult. Hopefully there will be no more but I am not going to get ahead of myself. Next step is scan. Will try do no more tests of any sort before that and think I may well succeed with it cuz idea of having another test saying something bad at moment feels worse than lack of reassurance as for now I am pregnant and that a fine place for me at the moment!!!

I am sorry if I sounded or still sound ungrateful for the bfp. I am very happy about it. I also hope it doesn't make u feel sad about not having ur bfp yet.  I know there is no justice in who gets a bfp and who doesn't. I really hope u get one soon too. Would really like to keep in touch and know how u getting on if u ok with that?

How r things with u? How is zumba?


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Good to hear you're a bit more relaxed about things. Of course we will keep in touch, is always nice to hear how you are doing, we've been each other's FF over the months haven't we! Things can come across wrong sometimes on email so don't worry about it, I was sure you were thrilled but stressed at same time. 

We had our appt with the genetist this morning and sadly it is not positive for us. DP's issue (3 abnormal) is so rare that in 15 years of our genetic counsellor doing her job she has never come across it before. THat is not to say that there aren't people in that situation already but there is very little literature or research been done on it and when she discussed with Guys they said that a live birth with a deformity would be high risk and they do not even know whether PGD could be an option for us becuase they don't know enough about what they are working with. It is not a huge blow because we were already geared up for problems but hearing it all was very upsetting and I just feel completely drained and at a loss. Adoption was mentioned for the first time so you kind of know by then that our own child is going to be not much short of a miracle. DP's dad, mum and brother have been called in for a blood test, so they can get some understnading of whether it has been passed on. If it has then there is more hope for us, given that DP is completely healthy. If it just started with him then they are pretty much working blind. So it's at least another 2 month wait for bloods to be back before we start making any decisions. Can't believe I have come back into work actually - eyes are stingy and misty (wear contact lenses!) from crying and just look a right state. But life goes on and I can't sit at home and maudle. 
Keep in touch
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Wish there was something I could say to make ur news less devastating.   Must be so hard to hear them talking to u about it all without any answers. So sad to hear they don't know what options r for u. Makes it difficult for u that it so rare and so little known about it.    Only positive is that it gives u some answers as to why IVF not been working for u, altho those answers definitely not the ones anyone would want to hear maybe can help give u some closure if u decide not to pursue things further. Hope the blood tests give u a little bit of hope and if they do and u not ready to give up on this then do have another proper discussion with Guys. Know I complain about my clinic a lot but they really have a lot of experience with PGD and can develop tests so it worth talking further if there any chance of a healthy baby. If dp himself is healthy shows it possible to have those chromosomes and develop properly but guess if they don't understand it then doesn't give u many clues. Would u consider donor IUI or is that not an option for u? I think adoption a great thing to do if it feels right for u and dp altho sure u need time and space together to work out what u want to do from this point.

I hope u r doing ok. I am sure it must be really horrible having to carry on as normal while u trying to take this all in, u have had so many bombshells the last few months it must be really tough. Take a few days off work if u want to and cry if that is what u need. U gotta put urself first, altho I know it can also be therapeutic sometimes to escape to work away from all the IVF stuff. Follow ur instincts but do take care of urself.   U r right life does go on and I am confident that in a few years time, one way or another, u will have ur little family at home with u and look back on this as a distant memory. U must remember that thru the tears and heartbreak u facing and been going thru lately.

AFM - Ur news eclipses anything I been worrying about. No more hpt testing for me, leaving it to fate and awaiting scan. No spotting, less bloating, feeling much better physically and no real pregnancy symptoms. Hosted my book group last night which was fun. We discussed a book about experiments on mice and the ethics of omitting results and complex relationships in the lab. Guess it was an odd choice of book on my part but lot of discussion and I enjoyed the book as well as the company so all good. Would like to start exercising again but not sure how to fit it in as I have so little time to myself these days. Pouring with rain outside and lo sleeping away.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Thanks for your note, god I am totally going downhill, have no interest in doing anything or seeing anyone, not even told my closest friends yet. Can't quite bring myself to say it just yet. Have had two nights now feeling lifeless under the duvet watching dvds and it's all I want to do for the foreseeable but sure I'll come round, I have to! The girls know that something has happened at Tuesday's appt but am too lifeless to even talk at the minute, they have been so lovely with texts etc but know that this is how I handle things and shut myself off until I am ready to talk. Work as you can imagine is a complete inconvenience!! Desperately not wanted to go in last 2 days but am too conscientious to ring in sick, how pathetic! DP was a bit more chipper last night and said until we have categorically been told we 100% cannot have our own children then he'll fight on but I think we need to be a bit more realistic about these things - let's face it if even the experts don't know what they're doing then there's not much chance really is there. And I tried to explain last night what if we passed something on to our child and it left them infertile and we knew about it all along, how selfish woudl that be just to fulfil our own needs?  Anyway know my email sounds really flat, it's not meant to, just how I'm feeling I suppose. Feeling incredibly angry and peed off at life and pregnancy and babies just seem to be everywhere all around me all the time. All too much to deal with at the minute. 

Your book-group book sounds intense! Give me a bit of chick lit like Sweet Valley High at the moment haha
Frothy X


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy,

How r u doing? Think it natural how u feeling. Wish something I could say to help u feel better but instead all I can do is send virtual hugs.     Don't pressure urself to tell anyone about that appointment until u good and ready. U gotta put urself first in this. DVDs great for escapism, as r books, even if it is sweet valley!!! I spend many evenings that way and don't plan on feeling guilty about it, so u definitely shouldn't either. Glad ur friends know u well enough to give u time and space until u ready to talk. Forget conscientious. Do what u feel like about work. U don't have to tell them the truth if u call in sick. However, maybe work has been good distraction for u. DP is right about keeping in mind there is still a chance until they tell u categorically that it is not possible. At this point I not sure u can give percentages or know the exact chances and know that frustrating, sometimes can make things easier if they purely black and white. Not surprised u feeling angry either. I would do if I was in your situation. I think u have been very patient and accepting thru last few months and don't think I could have been. Give urself time and be kind to urself.

Hope u have a nice weekend planned and full of stuff that doesn't involve babies or pregnancy. Thinking of u.

x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Thanks. Am doing okay. Saw sister and mum Fri night - lots of wine and tears then a whole heap of laughter, nothing stops us when we get together. Sat was a lazy day then yesterday went out for lunch with friends. Almost had a row coming home from restaurant as DP still in complete denial and thinks that we should take whatever risk becuase maybe that is how our life is mapped out and I was saying that doctors woudl probably let us do anything but would give us harsh warnings and how fair is it really to bring a baby up knowing that there could be problems. It's different if it happens naturally but to knowingly go into this vast mine field of complications when even experts do not know, well I'm not really prepared to do that. But anwyay things still raw and he is bound to be devastated so I just changed topic and said let's not row. 
Have taken a day off work today - woke up this mornign with banging head and just feeling lifeless. Got up and showered as normal then just said to DP 'you know what. I'm not going in today' and he was like 'good for you, have a day to yourself' so I am officially mending my sails and having a bit of me time. Been a bit boring really! Fell straight back to sleep, this is typical of me, I go into shock or worry and the only thing I want to do is sleep. Put some washes out on the line and cleaned the windows -rock & roll - NOT!!! But done me good. Still feel pretty low on energy but will be back in work tomorrow, just don't feel like I can be bothered doing much. Have def lost my va-va-voom in the last week. 
How are you doing, are you feeling okay and are there any symptoms for you yet? 
PS got a lovely PM from Bearhug yesterday, was nice to hear from her 
X


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly, just thought I would log on to say hi and see how you're doing. It's your scan this week isn't it (Tues or Weds?) - are you getting excited and feeling a bit more positive about everything now? I'll be away with work but do write and let us know how it went. 
I'm feeling a bit brighter about things, only took the 1 day off work and went back in Tuesday, glad I did really. Had a night with the girls on Weds night and they gave me some good therapy. DP's parents and bro have gone for their bloods and apparently the scientists are 'fascinated' by DP's chromosomes and can't wait to get their hands on his parents' blood samples so will probably not have to wait the full 2 months it would normally take. Still not made any decisions about future, everything still in limbo, goodness IVF does make you good at waiting doesn't it. 
Hope all okay your end; write back and tell me what you've been up to.
Frothy XX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Good to hear from u. I been feeling very tired lately with sickness coming and going, and somewhat in the middle of nowhere cuz still don't believe am actually pg so been counting down to scan and trying not to think about it - which of course I fail at. Scan is on Wednesday. Got in a panic this morning - lo tripped over her daddy shoes (he had left them in the middle of the hallway and she had only just got up so I hadn't had chance to tidy yet - dh doesn't tidy up for himself) and she fell forward and banged her head on the doorframe. She screamed then a huge bump came up and my paediatric first aid course had said if they get bump then take them into A&E to check them out so dragged dh out of bed and off to A&E we went with lo clinging on to her piece of toast we had hastily put in the toaster. Anyway, in conclusion they said it seems fine, have some calpol and go home and luckily at 8am they not too busy so this didn't take long either but it stressed me out and then felt stupid to have dragged us all in first thing in the morning for a doctor to take her temperature, weigh her, ask a few qs (which are the warning signs I know anyway) and say go home. So lo having her afternoon nap and I have just had one too but still feel exhausted.

We went to Imperial War Museum yesterday which Isla wasn't impressed with either, tho she did like the tube journeys and having lunch, she wanted to be carried everywhere and whinged and complained a lot. Still, guess was good to get out cuz it been such a grey and dull weekend. Got Avett Brothers concert on the Wednesday evening, my sister got tickets for my mum, dad, dh and me, tho don't think dh is going to go cuz we not had anyone except my mum put Isla to bed and said to him we would have to do dry run beforehand if he wanted to come and he never got around to it so he will have to stay with her. Concert is at Shepherds Bush so is a good 1 - 1 1/2 hrs from here due to tube line changes so we couldn't get back quickly if there were problems at home. Mum wanted to stay with us but I told her I would prefer she didn't as scan the same day and if it goes badly I just want to be alone, she gave me a hard time about it, emotional blackmail which only makes me more stubborn but feel worse about it. If scan fine then I would have no problem with it but I just can't know so can't guarantee. Know it is selfish putting me first but I gotta do it sometimes and it not like in this situation every day. Anyway, mum eventually stopped going on at me and found somewhere else to stay overnight so is fine, except for the tension between us now.

Oh, and also dh went to see Cambridge on Friday and liked it, but dropped the bombshell that actually it only a diploma if u do one year so it better to do 2 years. He basically wants to go altho he hasn't said anything definitive yet. I don't know how things will work out cuz of having to find some solution with our home here - selling or renting, or about accomodation there or anything. I am making a big sacrifice if I go with him and uproot with lo and potentially new baby on the way cuz could be very isolating for me and I desperate to settle after he had his 'London experience' which was never what I really wanted, however I am fine with this so long as it won't be something else after this, then something else etc If he makes this decision and changes career direction again he has got to stick with it at least for a few years cuz it is too hard for us. It is also a huge financial drain on us while I am not working and if new baby on the way then I wouldn't be able to find work there for quite a while either. Again, this I don't mind if it works out in the long term, but that will depend on whether he works hard and makes a proper go of it at the end of it. I can't decide for him and will support him, however find it all so scary.

Glad things are looking brighter for u and the day off work did u some good, as did the girls night. Hmm... not sure if I would be flattered or annoyed at the attention of 'fascinating chromosomes' but if it means it a good motivator for them to look more into it for the potential for u to have baby together then guess it gotta be good thing. Think u particularly good at the waiting. Don't know how u do it. Decisions about future are difficult, sure u will get there in the end but don't put any pressure on it. Sure at some point something will just feel right.

Hope dp not still in denial and is talking about things in a productive and realistic way. It will be much better for u once u on the same wavelength with this and can start to look forward. Maybe he just needs some time and space to get his own thoughts together before he can talk about it all.

Sounds like u much better today anyway, and sounding more positive. Hope it continues that way. It also sounds like u have great network of friends and family supporting u which must help. Anyway, sorry for taking a while in replying and being so unenthusiastic today, I gotta get my energy levels back!!!


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## badswimmers (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi Polly, remember your name from the December/Jan Buddies thread.

How are you? hope you are ok.

I remember a few names in this topic.

We had a short break after our first bfn but are in the final week now of our 2ww.


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Badswimmers - Yes, remember u when u posted at end of Dec/Jan thread. How did this cycle go for u? Hope u get lucky this time.


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## badswimmers (Jan 25, 2010)

polly16 said:


> Badswimmers - Yes, remember u when u posted at end of Dec/Jan thread. How did this cycle go for u? Hope u get lucky this time.


A lot more positive after a better response for my partner to the treatment. Last time we only had two embryos but this time there was actually a choice. None good enough for freezing though which would of meant we had a backup plan.

Two better ones transferred though.

We can see how the process can become addictive as it was certainly easier to go through a 2nd time.


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

I am very happy! 1 strong hb!!! Measuring right size and at top of uterus.

Really pleased everything is good and also bit relieved that is not twins, tho know we would have been happy had it worked out that way too.

The nurse did say I still had mild OHSS so keep drinking fluids which is hopefully the reason why I still can't do up most of my trousers!!!


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Great news! I never doubted for a second! Well done and look after yourself. Will write more soon, just at work but wanted to log on to say hi and congrats XX


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - Thanks. How r u? Hope all is well with u and u have had a lovely weekend in the sunshine.

Badswimmers - Have u tested yet? Good luck.


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi polly, here we are Monday again! Yeh doing okay thanks, definitely getting stronger thx to amazing listeners in family and friends, plus keeping busy always good for me. Been in London this weekend with work, a spinal conference at a hotel near euston so Saturday was spent in a window-less room all day- fun!! Spent afternoon yesterday with sister and mum in back garden, still sat out gone 10pm, not often you can do that in the north east. Dp away with work in France so meeting girls for happy hour tonight at local Italian. Still fragile when think a about things too much, what our future may be, but try and dispel those thoughts. Perhaps nit quite dealing with things head on but dealing with living my life I suppose. Did I tell you about the girl at rumba who works at hospital? If not will tell you when in front of a proper pc as fingers making all kinds of mistakes on this little keyboard. 
How you doing, you feeling okY and what will your due date be?
Take care
Frothy x x


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## polly16 (Oct 13, 2010)

Frothy - How r u? think there nothing worse than being stuck in a windowless room. It throws me out completely. Was soooo hot that weekend. Have enjoyed the weather last week more as was cooler but still sunny. In London I find it just doesn't cool down at night at all so it is really horrible when it humid. Hope u enjoyed the night out at the Italian. Can imagine u would still feel fragile when u try and get your head around the future, I know I feel that way most of the time! and think it would be more strange if you weren't feeling that way at the moment. I think u r dealing with things very well, afterall that is what life is about, dealing with things day to day and getting by. You haven't fallen apart and you seem to be being very sensible about all the decisions you are making. No, you didn't tell me about the girl at rumba. Do tell...

My due date will be 6th Feb 2012. I have second scan this afternoon and feeling nervous. I think it is just the way this pregnancy will be as I have had a harder journey to get here than with Isla, plus am less naive after scares with her and losing her twin. Fingers crossed all is well today. I also have my midwife booking in appointment next week and 12 week scan at the end of the month. Also, big news dh has decided for definite that he wants to go to Cambridge to do this masters and has accepted the place and handed in his notice for the end of September. This has made me go into a complete panic about how we are going to get everything sorted out and also so much change cuz I generally find that scary and stressful (tho I know it will be worth it).

We spent the weekend doing DIY and had a carpenter in a couple days ago for a few odds jobs and been cleaning the house following the DIY and touching up paintwork ready for valuations (have 2 today and 1 tomorrow). We are thinking financially it makes most sense to rent our place here and then find a 3 bedroom house in Cambridge for a similar rent. We should only be in Cambridge a year or two cuz likely dh will go back to working in the city and we will move closer to the city (tho still stay in commuter belt land rather than in the city) and buy there when it likely we be staying a while. So it is all go here and too busy but at least the house is looking better all the time and we making progress. We going to Cambridge for 5 days not next week but week after (our holiday this summer!) to look at the area (I have never been to Cambridge) and to look at properties that are available.

Hope all is well with you. x


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## Frothy (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi Polly

Wow is it realy 3 weeks since you wrote - many apologies! Kind of getting carried away with life's business (as you do). How you doing and did your trip to Cambridge go okay / manage to find somewhere to move to? Hope you are feeling okay and starting to get excited about things. 

We've finally had some answers, top and bottom of which mean there is no point continuing down the IVF/ICSI route as DP is infertile due to his chormosomal condition and that even PGD would be too high risk for us. Been a mentally draining few weeks, although think I digested this information several weeks ago so hasn'st come as a bolt out of the blue (we were told this last Tuesday). Has been passed down from mother to DP and his brother, who up to now has not tried for a child but was planning to start trying this year. Very painful for them. DP's mother upset but quite irritatingly so with comments like 'I always wanted to be a grandma' and at the moment the entire family aren't really speaking about much, just getting on with day to day things and not mentioning the unmentionable!

AFM like I say think I processed a lot of this information a while back, although still find it incredibly hard to talk about and am trying to just get on with life. So I'm laughing and partying and throwing myself into work, knowing that it will probably come out at some point as I feel a bit like a firework but if I'm burying my head then that's that, I probably am but it's the only way I can deal with things just now. 

We still have donor or adoption as options but they are completely different ballgames and not somethign we feel strong enough to talk about yet. 

Away for few nights camping at weekend, about 20 of us which will be fun if only this damn rain was to stop! There are some friends of my sister's coming along who had a new born in April and they have only just booked on; I could really do without it but what's the point in feeling worked up, have probably gone through the worst we're going to go through already so just have to get on with it. 

Sorry again has taken ages to reply 
X


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## pinkcat (Dec 3, 2008)

As discussion is now off topic the thread has been locked....feel free to keep in touch with each other by pm.


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