# Telling *my* children about my egg donation...



## CluckCluck (Jun 5, 2007)

Hi there,
Now that my sister has passed 12 weeks pregnancy we'll soon want to tell my son (4 and a half) that she is expecting. So far he has shown no interest whatsoever in where babies come from... but I guess it can't be very far away. Does anyone know if there is any literature about telling children about donation - but from the perspective of the (known) donors family?
thansk,
CluckCluck


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

I haven't seen anything, but my donor Hobbesy told her DS (4 at the time) very early on...

Maybe one of the general books about egg donation to start (the little ducklings one is good) or maybe just tell him the story of how HE grew, and then take it from there?


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Just to let you know that the National Gamete Donation Trust is currently developing some materials to help donors share information about their gift and the existence of potential half siblings, with their own children.
Olivia


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## Essex Girl (Apr 3, 2005)

HI there CluckCluck

I'm delighted to hear that all is going well with your sister's pregnancy.  

I had this conversation with my sister when we were going through TX.  Her children are 2 and 5.  As I was being treated at her local clinic, I stayed at her house when I had appointments.  On one of the days we had to bring the children to the clinic and the 5 year old was getting concerned about what was wrong with her mum, so my sister ended up telling her 5 year old then that she was giving an egg to her Aunty so that aunty could have a baby.  My niece was delighted with the idea of a new baby, though my sister did stress to her that it might not work.  She had some idea about babies growing from an egg in Mummys' tummy because she was old enough to remember her mum being pregnant with her younger brother.  When I went back for my 8 week scan, we showed her the picture and reminded her that it was the egg that her Mummy gave her.  Since then she has not referred to it at all, even when she came up to see her new cousin.

To us, the idea of donor conception is a big deal, but I don't think children that age are really that bothered about it.  Our experience is that you can tell them that mummy gave an egg to their aunty so that she can have a baby and that is as much as you need to say at this stage.  You have been honest with them and there is no worry about information accidentally leaking out later on.  We have not gone into the genetic implications at this stage, as that would only worry and confuse them.  If, when they are older and learn about genetics at school, they wonder about it then, that will be the time to discuss the genetic issues.  

Now that our baby has arrived, the donor issues don't seem such a big deal (especially because we have more urgent health problems to deal with), and even my sister made some comment about our LO having my eyes, then realised what she had said.

I hope that is helpful to you - do ask if I can help with anything else, and do give my best wishes to your sister for uneventful 2nd and 3rd trimesters.

All the best
Essex Girl x


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## CluckCluck (Jun 5, 2007)

Thanks all for these replies. We decided not to tell my son until it worked.... And as I had most of the treatment in Australia he didn't see me going off to hospital etc, so there were no concerns there.

Essex Girl - thanks for yout thoughts, and sorry to hear that you have been having health issues to deal with. Hope you are all okay.

Drownedgirl - where did you get the Ducklings book? I looked on Amazon and it was 20 quid! Seems a lot for a children's book - even if it is a rather specialised children's book!

Olivia - good to know that you're dev'g material for donors. One thing... although I know that they are genetically half-siblings, I personally would avoid material that used these terms.  Of course, it is easy for us... because they will be cousins anyway. But I wouldn't want to use the terms half-sister or brother, as I think that would be too confusing for them.

On this pojnt of genetic half siblings, here is something to think about. My mum is an identical twin, so my aunt is genetically identical to my mother. So - strictly genetically - I am half siblings to my cousins. But of course I am not. THey are my cousins, just as my aunt is my aunt.


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## drownedgirl (Nov 12, 2006)

CluckCluck said:


> Drownedgirl - where did you get the Ducklings book? I looked on Amazon and it was 20 quid! Seems a lot for a children's book - even if it is a rather specialised children's book!


I got it second hand via amazon. 
I have a list of books re DE on my blog:

http://thedrownedgirl.wordpress.com/2007/08/15/books-for-children/

THough some are more suitable than others for the donor perspective.

I think in your case, maybe look around for a good basic book on where babies come from, aimed at 5 yos. Have that discussion aimed at your son.. you want a book that has the right content about a seed from daddy, egg from mummy sort of thing...

Then after you've covered that and how much you loved him when he was growing, blah blah...maybe show him a scan pic of himself and one of your sister's baby... and then introduce the idea that her eggs didn't grow very well... and guess what, a doctor could help by giving her one of YOUR eggs, so that's what happened and now a baby is growing... just like it did with him... and how excited everybody is.

I found with my 4 yo (now 5) he asked stuff as we went along.. when he first found out I was pg he mentioned it being an egg from mummy and a seed from daddy, and I said no, we had tried and tried, but my eggs didn't grow, so we got some from Aunty K and a doctor helped us to start them growing ... and put them into mummy and they grew!!

And then later he said the boy twin would look like him and daddy and the girl twin would look like me... and I said no, actually I thought the girl twin might look a bit like Aunty K and her DD E.... because remember, it was Aunty K's egg.... he thought for a bit and said maybe they would both look a bit like him and daddy, and a bit like Aunty K, and bit like mummy... and I said, he was exactly right, I bet they will!

He hasn't mentioned it since. But as he sees Hobbesy's chidlren often, and her DS (almost 5) also knows about it, they are sure to discuss it amongst themselves in a 5 yo way when the babies come. For eg, I bet my DS will be very proud and possessive about the babies, and Hobbesy's DS will point out it was HIS mummy's egg so he is entitled to give them cuddles too, and a bit of squabbling will ensue


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