# So fed up, not sure what to do



## JasperP (Oct 10, 2010)

Hello

I'm 39 and me an DH have been TTC for over a year.  His first test showed poor swimmers, and we're going to have our next round of tests (FSH, LSH etc for me, then vaginal ultrasound, 2nd sperm test for DH).  Our specialist said that our best chances lie with IVF.

Our PCT stopped funding IVF right after our appointment, so it looks as if we'll have to fund ourselves.  

My SIL had a baby yesterday.  She lives abroad, so I didn't have to arrange my face for a visit or phone call.  However, I came home from work today and my MIL printed out baby photos here because her printer isn't working.  So I came home and had to ooh and aah all over baby photos when all I wanted to do was cry.

I'm in a bit of state today, it's almost as bad as the day the specialist told us we'd need IVF.  

I don't know what to do.  I've always wanted to be a mum, and now it may never happen.  I don't know if I can face IVF, and I don't know if I can face not being a mum.  

Please tell me I'm not going mad.  DH doesn't understand quite how painful I'm finding this whole thing.

Marcia x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Marcia Its always difficult when others have a baby thats totally normal.  Try and except that your going to find it hard an just handle it as best as possible while excepting how ever you feel.  No wander your feeling a bit fragile i would be feeling the same.  Or should i say i have felt exactly the same every time someone tells me their pg, but i always know that it will feel less raw in a week.  It does not alter how much i want a baby or how unfair it all feels but remember someone else having a baby does not alter your journey or where you are today.  But saying that i do know how difficult it is    .


As for not facing ivf, there is no doubt that you can handle it.  But give yourself a break if you have been trying for a year then that must mean that you have not know that you need ivf for very long.  I was told about 3 years ago and i can honestly say i found it very hard and i felt so scared of what the future held and how i would cope with ivf.  But if you decide to have ivf (if thats the route you decide to take) you will handle it.  


Its difficult for our partners to understand.  When i find out someones pg i feel terrible for about 3 days, this has obviously happened many times esp as most of my friends are on number 2.  But its still difficult to meet my dh emotionally in the middle.  I dont really think most men will ever really understand how difficult it is for the woman.  They are just a different species.  Even the counciller at our fertility centre said that there would not be fertility centres if it was left up to men!!  I am sure you dh cares that your upset.  Your not going mad your normal for someone who is going through this. 


If you want to ask any questions about ivf or about all the tests that you have spoken about, feel free to ask.


As for not having treatment, i was lucky and so far have not needed to pay for treatment, but have now used all our nhs funding and will have to pay for our next treatment.  But who's to say that the pct would have paid for your treatment anyway?  What i am trying to say is dont be annoyed about it just more forward and look at ways that you can afford treatment, if thats what you want.


All the best


xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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