# Need some help/advice



## tempus008 (Dec 19, 2008)

In a really difficult position. My sister who is in her 40's desperately want a baby. She has been through all the tests both here and in Spain and everything is ready for an attempt. The problem is that she needs to have a double donor (both egg and sperm) and is having trouble accepting this. The main problem seems to be that with treatment in Spain there is no way of knowing anything about the donors, and the clinic select what they think is the right match. She is also on the list here in the UK but her age is against her and the clock is ticking.
There are two main problems it seems to me.
1 The possible child would have no history, no way of ever knowing his or her biological parents
2. Not being able to choose the donor or to give further information  like skills or aptitudes etc.

I know that is all a bit crazy but I don't know what to do to help her. So I wondered if there might be a single older mum or prospective mum who has had the same treatment with a double donor and who might have some advice or help they could offer. She has spoken to the councillors etc but this hasn't really helped and while the need to have a child is great the issues around double donor and treatment in Spain is equally great.
Any help would be gratefully received.


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## Lou-Ann (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi Tempus, sorry to read that your sister is having a tough time at the moment. 

Sorry, but I cannot help with regard to having double donor treatment, but I think a couple of the other wonderful ladies on here may have been through/are going through this, so hopefully they will be along soon to share their thoughts. 

You may wish to introduce your sister to this group. We are a friendly bunch and the information, advice and support on here is great. 

Lou-Ann x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Hi there are several girls on this thread who are pregnant or having double donation FET.  I am 40 having donor eggs and using a known donor friend, for sperm in Spain, has she asked any of her friends to assist either with donor eggs or sperm. I had friends who offered to do both for me, but the girls were 37 so too old really but I am using a friend for sperm.

There are donor ID release sperm that she could buy from Denmark that some of the girls have and transport it to a clinic, in Europe and can have voice recordings and photos. Or there is the free donors worldwide website that some of the girls on the gay and lesbian thread who have used it and have used known donors.

Or if she chose to have treatment in the USA you can choose your sperm and egg donors and have much more info.

Also look on the DCN website there are info books for double donation, I guess at the end of the day she has to decide what she wants for herself. It may be useful for her to have counselling before she starts on the journey as it is emotionally demanding.

I guess at the end of the day it is a personal choice of how much you want a baby and what lengths you are prepared to go to get what you want.  

L x


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

Hi Tempus,

No easy answers on this one. .  I conceived my son with anonymous donor sperm in 2005 here in the UK - given that the donor provided his samples pre 2006 (when the law changed regarding anonymity), there is no chance that my son will ever be able to identify this donor.  In this case, at least he can monitor his likeness with me and my wider family network to see what he has inherited from my side of the family.  I am now trying to have a second child (at age 41 - my son is now nearly 3), this time using donor eggs and sperm.  It took me a while to reconcile my feelings about having no genetic connection with this possible second child - however, the desire for another baby, regardless of its genetic heritage, was the key for me.  I have always said that I would adopt if I couldn't have children, and if I can reconcile myself to that outcome, then logically, I should be able to get my head around having my own child with the help of two wonderful people whom I will likely never meet.  In this case, the female donor is in the UK (before I was matched with her I had planned to head to Spain) and any resulting child would be able to at least find out her identity in 18 years.  (The male donor is the same as for my son).  One of the deciding factors in my decision to proceed by using donors was that I would be the one providing all the nutrients and environment for a little being to flourish and eventually emerge into this world, and therefore I have as much "input" as the donors in creating this person.  I would be happy to chat to your sister if that would help.  There are a number of books available on single women going it alone, and these inevitably talk about single and double donors.  There are also a few websites (including this one) where she could meet a number of people considering or actively pursuing the same thing - since she would be anonymous, it might be a really useful way for her to come to a decision as to what is right for her.  But I would echo what has already written - she may find it useful to speak to a counsellor who is trained in this area (I spoke to someone at the Logan Centre in London who was terrific).  Big hugs to her and to you for being a supportive sister in this.  A-Mx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Hi Tempus, 

I really feel for your sister, it's not an easy path at all. I'm nearly 39 and for now still trying with my own eggs but after 3 failed attempts, including one miscarriage at 8 weeks, I'm also starting to think about the donor egg journey. There are several girls here, as well as indekiwi, who have gone down this path already and I'm sure they will be along to offer their thoughts soon. You've caught us at a quiet time - the thread is usually much busier but everyone is away for Christmas at the moment. Do encourage your sister to come and post here. We have regular face to face meetings as well and it might help her just to be in touch with people who are going through the same experience. 

In practical terms, your sister could I'm sure purchase sperm from one of the sperm banks in Europe or the US which provide quite a lot of information about donors. This would give her the feeling of control over her choice of at least one 'half' of the process. Xytex in the US is one option, or European Sperm Bank in Copenhagen. I'm using ESB to import ID release sperm to the Czech Republic - much pricier than the Czech sperm but it means I get to choose the donor and the child gets the chance to find the donor when they turn 18 (if they want to). And she should def get on waiting lists for egg donation in the UK too - although you are right that many of the lists are long and at 40 she does not have time on her side, nonetheless she may find she is matched sooner than she thinks.

At the end of the day I guess each of us has to find our own way through the different options. If you search on FF, there are quite a few threads about double donation/anon egg donation which put things far more eloquently than I can, but one of the things which stuck with me was a sort of recipe analogy - you have the ingredients (egg and sperm) but it is the mixer (the 'mother') who makes the cake what it is, without her, there would be no cake. As I say, it was said much more eloquently on the thread but in essence I guess it's what indekiwi is also saying re being the provider/environment for the baby. 

Hope your sister finds a way which works for her - as I say, do point her towards this thread - I have had so much support from the women here and I'm sure she'd find the same,

Suitcase
x


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Hello Tempus

I don't know a huge amount about this, but I did post a couple of links to articles related to this about a year ago - I will go and find it in a minute and bump it up to the first page so you can see it.  It is called something like 'For those considering donor eggs'.

I posted it when I had done some reading about a new/emerging field called 'epigenetics' which basically looks into the genetic influence of the carrying mother on the developing embryo.  An embryo has 'genetic potential' which comes from the sperm and egg of the donors, but the carrying mother influences this potential by deciding, for some genes, which to switch 'on' or 'off'.  Hopefully, the articles could be helpful to you and/or your sister.

Some1

xx


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