# I feel I don't deserve to be here



## Whosdatgirl (Aug 5, 2013)

I found out in January 2011 that I couldn't have children naturally. Both my Fallopian tubes were severely blocked that specialist weren't able to unblock any of them. I separated with my partner for this reason as he said he would go through IVF with me. I found myself unhappy with this as he already has two sons who he didn't make the effort to see, and felt this as a woman would make me feel guilty if we had a child.
We broke up shortly after finding out I couldn't conceive naturally.
I have since found a new partner. We have only been together a year. I didn't think much about trying to have a child but me turned to my new partner that I couldn't have children naturally. He said one day when we are both ready we can discuss when the time comes. I am 35. Have for the last year moved back into my mothers home as I lost my job and still not working. I don't claim benefits, I still earn money working as a temp trying toget myself back into full time permanent employment. Financially I'm not stable. But I had put having kids out of my mind. I have just found out I am 4 weeks pregnant, I feel this is a blessing as I always thought I couldn't have a child. I have known for a week and have yet to show how happy I am. My partner isn't ready and though he says he loves me and wants us to be together he doesn't want us to have a child yet. Am I being selfish if I follow his wishes instead of my own. I see his point as we both aren't financially ready for this, but I feel this is my only chance. If I ever had a child I never wanted to go into it as a single mother and have always wanted to be married first. I felt worthless not being able to have a baby now that I have this opportunity, I don't know what to do. I have a supporting family and great friends but its not the same as going into this with the father of my child. Although I know some marriages can end in divorce at least I know with a mans support I know I never came into this alone.


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## C0nfused (Apr 13, 2007)

Hi Whosdatgirl,

Welcome to FF! It sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do. I think you need to take proper time to decide what you want to do. Its your body and you have to do what is right for YOU not what is right for anybody else. 

You say in your post that you are aware that this may be your only chance of having a baby and that you felt worthless at not being able to have a baby now you have the opportunity. You also say that you feel the pregnancy is a blessing.

I also appreciate that you do not feel you are in a stable financial position and your partner now states he is not ready. 

You need to decide what you want to do, as you have to live with your decision. Speak to your partner, and make sure he knows that this potentially could be your only chance of having a child. And if YOU want to continue with the pregnancy, it sounds like you have a supportive family and friend network. Don't be forced into making a decision EITHER WAY that you will regret. You need to be sure. Perhaps get some counselling first??

Jenny


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

hi whosdatgirl
I really feel for you, i have the same diagnosis from 2011 and can imagine how hard it must be to make this decision now you have been blessed ...after all the emotions of not being able to conceive... and all the heartache with your last relationship.... and yet now other things aren't as you planned.    I don't think I can tell you what you should do, only that you should listen to your heart not just your head   And that life is not often as you thought it would be.... 
Have you told your partner? i wasn't sure if you've told him that you are pregnant, as although you have talked about kids, it could all be different now that this has actually happened.
Please make sure you go to your GP, as we have a greater risk of ectopics if we have had blocked tubes. and you could ask them for counselling at same time if that is something you think might help. 
Lots of love and support to you whatever you decide xxx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Welcome.


I think you need to make a decision based on if you actually want a baby, totally forgetting all other aspects, finance, boyfriend etc etc.  Yes it may not be an ideal situation, but if you want this baby and you have a lot of support then everything else will work out.  Even people who have planned to have a child for years (iv been trying for 6-7years and just had a daughter) have a perfect scenario.  My house is small and money is tight, but we manage.


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

The way I see it is, if your boyfriend 100% didn't want children yet then he should have used protection to make sure it never happened, regardless of your fertility problems.  He chose not to and as we know these miracle pregnancies do happen from time to time.

I can only speak for myself, but if I had found myself pregnant in these circumstances, I would embrace my miracle and continue with the pregnancy regardless of what my boyfriend/partner wanted.

Before you decide what to do, then perhaps have a chat with some of the ladies on the single thread on here.  There is so much support out there now.

Good luck and I wish you all the best.

X


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Hi Staceysm


I don't really agree tbh, if you have fertility problems you kind of already see it as contraception if you know what i mean, so in my mind that doesnt really play a part, but just my opinion. x


Whosdatgirl


I have to say i think your post is quite refreshing, im not being rude but i see many ladies on here so desperate to have a baby, that they forget the circumstances that they are going to bring the baby into.  But as Stacey said go have a look on the single thread, your no doubt get some excellent advise there.


Good luck. xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Stacey how is your little one? Wow what a huge life change having a baby is   , but wow how totally honored i feel to be given the chance to experience motherhood.  x


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Coweyes,

I wouldn't personally use possible fertility problems as a contraception, but that is just me.

Yes, we have been totally blessed, just wish that all the other ladies on these boards could be as lucky as us .

Wish you all the best Whosdatgirl.

X


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

I have to admit, I wouldn't use just any fertility problems as a form of contraception, but both tubes being completely blocked is kind of final - after all that's what tubal sterilisation is so I can certainly understand why one might feel it's ok. 

Whosdatgirl, welcome to FF. 

I think you are trying to run before you can walk, so to speak. You really need to break it down into two thing. Firstly, you need to think about how you feel about having a baby now. If you want this child - regardless of all the practical reasons why it will be hard - then I think you need to follow your heart and have faith that everything else will fall together in due course.
Secondly, I think you're trying to second guess what your fella will say about the pregnancy. You really don't know how he will react; you need to tell him. You might be happily surprised in how he reacts. Alternatively, if his reaction is negative, it may lead you to conclusions about your future together. either way, you need to tell him. Only then will you find you can begin to unpick the situation and seek some answers. 

C~x


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