# I'm also new ... and a bit scared!



## Lea76 (May 25, 2010)

Hi,

My husband has been diagnosed with low sperm count and low motility - we've been advised that ICSI is our only hope.  It's all come as a huge shock and we are struggling to deal with it (we both have big families, so we never thought we would have any real problems, just that it might take a bit of time).  We found out at the end of March.  My tests have all come back fine, apart from a bit of a low AMH score of 13.21 which apparently means my egg reserve is probably more like a 36 year old rather than the 33 year old that they should be (if that makes sense?)..

I think that at the moment I'm feeling shock, disbelief, anger, frustration and huge sadness all at once.  And I'm trying to hide most of it because I don't want my husband to feel any worse than he already does.  And on top of that I'm trying to be positive and find my way around the minefield that is IVF/ICSI!  

We've told our parents but not anyone else at the moment until we get used to it a bit.  My parents are being great - supportive but giving us space.  My husband's parents don't seem to understand that we are freaking out a bit.  It was my husband's birthday at the weekend and tonight they have invited all 3 of his brothers and sisters 'round with our 5 nieces and nephews for a birthday dinner?!  I think that they are trying to be kind but it's not really what we need at the moment and my husband has tried to explain but they have been insistant - "you can't hide away from your family!"  Who needs enemies hey?! (or maybe we are being a bit sensitive?!)

I've been taking a peak at the site for a little while now and have today decided to be brave, sign up and post.  I don't think that there can be any substitute for getting advice from those that are going through it/have been there and everyone seems very supportive.  

Thanks, L


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## wanty (May 13, 2010)

hey dont be scared, there is lots of folk in the same boat asking why me why us. I am too going through the same emotions and believe me it will be a rollercoaster for a while. Its good to chat and see an independant view on things and yes this whole fertilifty buisiness is so vast that I cant get my head around. I am here if you want to chat.


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## Lea76 (May 25, 2010)

Hi wanty, thanks so much for replying.  It means a lot.  

I think that I'm still in shock to be honest.  My Mum is being lovely and says that everyone has challenges to face that this is mine and I need work through it and I'll be a better person on the other side whatever happens.  I'm sure that's true it just feels so huge at the moment and I can't think about anything else, it's driving me crazy.  So sorry for ranting, I don't think that I'm very accepting of the situation yet. 

And I do know that there are lots of people on here who have been through so much and still feel positive - I'm hoping for inspiration to get me through treatment and whatever the future brings.  

Thanks for being so lovely.  What is your situation?


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## PaddyGirl (Apr 21, 2010)

Hi Lea   

Welcome to FF - you are in safe hands here.  

You're so right, this IF journey is a minefield and it's not an easy ride. It's a huge rollercoaster but you will be given every support here. Any questions, just ask.... any rants, go ahead.....  we've all been there   

I have to say that your mum is right, I know you don't see it at the moment, but you will grow stronger for going through this, and whatever the outcome, you will be a better person for it. 

You are very lucky to have your family's support, for some it's a difficult and sometimes embarassing subject, people don't always understand or know how to react to it. Give everyone time. 

Take a look around FF - you will learn so much and the more you learn and understand, the less daunting it will all seem to you. x  It's early days yet, give youself time to digest the diagnosis and information...  and you will find your feet again. 

Good luck hon
PaddyGirl xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## wanty (May 13, 2010)

Hey you read my post earlier, I am the one with blocked tube, failed IVF (no explanation), major heartache, new husband who struggles with concept of IVF and  being a dad as he has done it all before. seriously there is a lot of stuff out there, and a lot of misgivings on information as well. Go and do something really happy together and try and park this for that time so that you can gain the strength to get your head around it all. Trust me time doesnt heal, it just makes you stronger to cope but 2 is better than one which is my motto!


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## Lea76 (May 25, 2010)

Thanks Paddy Girl and Wanty,  you are right - we need to give ourselves a bit of time.  It's just such a shock and I'm panicking and don't know enough.  What I really want is someone to say everything is going to be just fine - I'm sure that we all do - but I just have to accept that it's going to be a bit painful for a while.  

You have both really helped, thank you so much.  And who knows, I may even be able to help someone myself in a while? x


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## BAS BEETLE (May 24, 2010)

Hello,
im new too. I find everything so scary. I just dont understand the terminology or anything at the moment. We've been putting going to the docs off really until now. i find it all very embarrasing. neither of us have told our parents, its too personal for us and i think my parents would just judge me and blame me somehow for not being able to have a baby. You seem to have a much closer relationship with your parents. i hope you enjoy the FF site and i hope i learn to navigate around it!


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Lea and welcome to Fertility Friends 

Huge hugs hun, we felt (as do many of us here) exactly the same. Like the others have said, take a little time to get your head around it, unfortunately IVF is a waiting game anyway, so you'll have time to ask questions etc. I'll leave you some links shortly which i hope you'll find useful x
Please have a good look around the site and feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home. Fertility Friends is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too (add them to your buddy list in your profile!), lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping or even nights out! You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other. It's hard when family and friends don't fully comprehend what this journey entails and the emotions that go with it. That's where we come in!

Here are some links which you should find really useful at the moment&#8230;&#8230;

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Peer Support (for asking fertility and treatment related questions of your fellow FFers) ~ * CLICK HERE

*Complimentary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ *CLICK HERE 

*Male factors ~ *CLICK HERE

*A Rough Guide To IVF ~*CLICK HERE

*ICSI ~ *CLICK HERE

*What can improve egg quality and quantity ~ * CLICK HERE

While undergoing treatment, you might find it useful to join other ladies having treatment at the same time. The Cycle Buddies threads are just for that. You will find a thread, usually with a funny/inspiring name for this year's buddies. Just pop along to the appropriate month and say "Hi" when you are ready to start treatment.

*Cycle buddies ~ *CLICK HERE

Its not all just serious stuff here, you can also have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!

Wishing you lots of luck    and 
Keep in touch
Ceri xx

PS I have also sent you a pm (private message)


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

Hi Lea
I recognise loads of the things you are saying. You are much braver than me telling your families already (see my post 'feel very alone' I won't repeat it all here!). I was rubbish at that which made me more isolated. Your mum sounds fab with some wise words there, that's what you need - most people that will be accepting of you whatever is going on in your life. My poor mum had to watch my sis try her IVF twice & fail; and now the same has happened with me I think she is a bit bewildered so maybe I was trying to protect her as well by not 'fessing up until later on into the whole thing. But it's good you can get some support & keep this on your own terms - like you say, keep some control over who you talk to & when & how you spend your time. Soon enough you will be feeling rather out of control with hormone crazes & doctors appts, it's good to keep some control where you can.

What other people have said about doing other stuff is very very important. Had higher hopes for our second ICSI as felt more positive & knew much more what I was getting into (& that despite it being a hassle with some hormone dips; I knew the ICSI was something I could handle). Despite being more positive, I still had several plan Bs up in the air of other stuff I could do if it failed again - a holiday I wanted to do & get back into doing some running & races again. Not easy if some of your plan B things are going to cost you money, and you have spent lots on treatment, but there are cheaper things that will work for you too. Remember the IVf doesn't define who you are although it can feel like that in the middle of it - there is loads more to you so carve out some time together to remember that so you're not always focused on the one thing.
take care & lots of luck xx


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## Billie86 (May 25, 2010)

hiya everyone
i'm new to this, my first post.... me and my partner are having ICSI treatment at the end of summer not sure what date yet as were on the waiting list. were finding it scaring but also excited, but i seem to be feeling angry at other people, friends having babies ranged with jealousy and hatred. we need to have ICSI because my parnter has a low sperm count, low mobility and abnormal sperm... its heartbreaking, we was last at the hospital on 5th may when our consultant explained to us that ICSI is the best option for us and refered us to the IVF unit. He also told us if that dont work we can use a sperm donor or adoption, which i cant even think about at the minute. A few close friends and family know what were going thro and have been supportive although i had a friend who was not supportive or sensative to the situation, she already has 3 children and i think she maybe pregnant at present which just makes my blood boil. Most of my work colleagues and my boss know that we'll be going thro ICSI treament soon and they have been very supportive, letting me leave work for a few hours to get my bloods took. But i have my good and bad days when i think about what we have to go through to have a baby, been part of this forum will help a great deal as i know were not the only couple who has to go through with it, will all be worth it in the end.


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## cocoloulou (May 17, 2010)

Hi, I am new to FF too but everyone has been so supportive and I have met so many people going through the same as me and my DP.
I am 26 and my DP is 35, he has low sperm count and low motility and we have been told our only hope is IVF/ICSI also, we are waiting to be referred for TX now.
I know how hard it is to come to terms with and what a shock 2 the system it is but it does get easier and ICSI is such a successful treatment, just try to stay positive - I read all the success stories when I feel a bit low about it and there is hope.
I wish you lots of luck on your journey, keep me posted on how you are getting on x


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## Billie86 (May 25, 2010)

Thanx i went in chat first night i come on n couldnt believe how kind n welcoming you all are, very lovely understanding people it makes it that bit more easier knowning were not alone.. will be back in chat very soon as i only had a flying visit looking around xx


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## Tiki (May 26, 2010)

Hi. Just to say that acupuncture, change of life style and Chinese herbs can do miracles to sperm count - there is lots of research there...


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## Lea76 (May 25, 2010)

Hi,

Just a quick message to say a huge thank you to all of you for posting a reply to my message. It's meant an awful lot.

As you can probably tell, I was having a really bad day. I find that if I put myself in a situation that I know will be uncomfortable (kids parties, christenings etc) I just stress about it and freak out. I'm trying to control it, but also think that I have to be kind to myself. I've also been for a bit of counselling. I decided to be brutally honest with her about the crazy things that I think and I've been reassured that it's ok and normal. She reassured me that she had heard it all before many times - phew!

Another thing that has happened is that one of my closest friends has found out that her husband wants to leave her for someone else. It's awful and I've been trying to support her. In doing so, I've realised that I have an awful lot to be thankful for. I've been focussing on the negative things in my life rather than the good things and I need to try and redress the balance a bit. I'm not saying it's easy or that I can do it all the time - maybe a couple of days in the week (at least it's a start!!?!). But I think that I'm slowly starting to think differently and am starting to shake off the "way me!!!??!!", "it's not fair!!" thoughts.

Your posts have helped me hugely. It's amazing to know that there are people who understand and who are there for me. Thank you.

It looks like we might start treatment in Aug/Sept - so until then I'm trying to be positive  - which believe me is a big step from where I was when I first posted.

L x


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## fillan (Jun 8, 2010)

Hey Lea,
goodness you really have come a long way in such a short time! I just read the whole string of replies to your first one- your post attracted me as I felt very much like that in the beginning of my journey. It's really good that you were able to have counselling so soon- I was on such a long waiting list and had to struggle for about a year. I think that counselling can help a lot- it helped me! As you said you can talk your fears and thoughts through and you can learn that these reactions are quite normal. I really feel that this whole process had been like a grieving process for me to be honest. It's a big thing having to come to terms with. And as you said earlier, having to deal with all the people around you who seem to get pregnant so easily.
We were told about 2 years ago that my DH has fertility issues- similar to yours. I've just gone through my first ICSI attempt and am currently on the 2 week waiting- that's the time after the embryo transfer and there is nothing you can do but hope, pray and wait! anyway, the whole IVF thing is a journey and it takes time to find out the details and learn. To be honest,  I wasn't able to take much info on board before I started the treatment, so don't worry if you feel that you don't really know much about it at the moment , you'll find out soon enough! And IVF is ok, a lot easier than I ever expected!!  If you want to talk or find out more, contact me! I send you lots of positive thoughts!
fillanxx


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## Lea76 (May 25, 2010)

Hi Fillan,

Thank you for your message.  It means a lot.

I'm sending you lots of positive vibes for your 2 week wait.  Fingers crossed!!  I really, really hope that it works for you.  

I'm trying really hard to get through this and to remember that I was a happy person once and that my life did have meaning.  It's as though now that we've found out this is going to be hard, not having a baby is what defines us.  It's not logical at all.  But I'm learning that my emotions around this are so incredibly strong that they have taken me completely by surprise and I have to learn to deal with them.  But it's ok and it's normal - I was lucky to get counselling so quickly.  (I think that I can talk a good game now, I can't always put it into practice but I'm giving it a go!)

I understand that it can feel like a grieving process.  I've been obsessed with how I'll live without children, how my relationship with my parents (who would love grandchildren) will be affected, how will I identify with my friends who do have children.  All hard to comprehend and negative.  My husband thinks that we don't have to deal with that yet and the counsellor is trying to convince me that too - one day at a time but don't jump too far ahead ... have hope.  So I'm trying that for now - positive thoughts all the way.  

I really hope that it works out for you - I'm thinking of you and sending you good positive vibes.  Thanks for listening.

L x


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## fillan (Jun 8, 2010)

Thank you Lea, for such a quick reply! I do appreciate it as the wait is so hard! It's nice to know that someone is thinking of you!

I think your counsellor and husband are right- 1 day at a time, but that can be so incredibly hard. And putting the talk into practice is also not the easiest thing. I think it never was so much for me the thought of not having any children, I always thought I would one way or another. But it was very hard to come to terms with the fact that it would just not happen the 'normal' way, like everyone else around me. and crazy to think that for all your adult life till then do you try not to get pregnant. All a bit crazy... I didn't tell people for many many months (apart from 3 very close and long-standing friends). I only relatively recently told my parents as I just couldn't cope on my own anymore. and I think it's important to think about who you do tell- as after all you'd have to face them afterwards as well if it didn't work. So I've been quite choosey about that. and this website seems perfect for that, people who understand and have gone through similar things. 
You know, we were told that as everything was fine with me (well at the initial assessments but my hormone levels rose, probably because of all this stress! Although the docs seemed to believe that it was my ovaries aging rapidly...), the possibility of ICSI working for us was very high. So hang on to that thought! It'll work for us, I am sure of it! And it's true what your mum sais, it's a journey which undoubetly changes you. It has brought my husband and me even closer together!
I wish you lots of luck and send you positive thoughts- you'll be fine. Keep me updated!
fillanxxx


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## catherino (Jun 16, 2010)

Hi, 
I have recently joined FF when a friend reccommended it to me. I haven't really spoke to anyone yet, as i'm not really sure how to go about it. All the abbrievations are abit confusing to!!

We have been TTC for 4yrs, was on clomid for 7mnths with no results.
Had further bloods, scns, lap dye etc, turns out i dont ovulate because hormone level is either too high or too low! I have a blocked right side tube to.
DH got tested he also has poor motility and poor shapes (not sure medical name).
Feel like we have been going through tests forever now, still waiting for his 2nd SA and then for an office app with MR Haloob at basildon hosp.
I'm gussing we will be offered IVF or ICSI but will have to see.
So frustrating knowing that everything is in their hands, and were waiting for them to decide our furture.
Would be great to talk to someone with similar story, and share experiences as it can feel like your the only one sometimes.
xxxxxxxx


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## tribble (May 11, 2010)

Lea is right, this site is COOL! Well done all of us    

counsellors are absolutely great for helping you know that you're not a complete & total nutter. At least not any more of a nutter than you would have been anyway.
lots of luck to all x


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## Jaimeb (Jul 7, 2010)

Hello Lea76,

I wish you both the very best starting this new journey  . You are both still young and must be patient, stay positive and get excited to be starting to try for your baby. It may not be as fun as the natural way, but it is still a way.
You will now realise how common this is and all you can do is support each other and never give up.
My husband has no sperm count from chemotherapy and all of our family live abroad, you are lucky to have your family close by when you need them.

You will start seeing nothing but prams and women with baby bumps everywhere (I know I do). I choose to be happy for them rather than annoyed  .

We're on our 2ww from a 2nd ICSI, good luck in Aug/Sep


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