# Why are my wishes never respected?



## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

I am so angry right now.... I just got off the phone with my mum.... To cut a long story short, she's at my aunts and asked how the social worker visit went..... I was like subtle, does she know? Yes.  But I asked you not to.  Does everyone else know? She goes quiet.... and doesn't say much, and then I am made to feel bad for challenging.

The implication that it's just one more person that knows infuriates me.... Because I know the extended family will know.  We have only told immediate people we need to, this might go wrong, and is likely to, so add that to my list of failures.  

I cannot believe she has told her.  I am completely mad, that everyone will now be talking about it.  Probably not, but I am over sensitive and over emotional.  I think how will this be if it was lo information?  I feel like the family freak, on the periphery of it all, childless... And now no doubt, everyone knows about the ivf failures, the miscarriage and now this.  

I feel so much pressure and terrified we will be turned down.... and now everyone knowing is adding to it.

I just feel like that after everything, we deserve I bit of privacy and respect. 

Don't know where to start with my next conversation.... Xx


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## patbaz (May 21, 2010)

Didn't want to read and run huni. Maybe your mum needed someone to talk to?  We never told our parents anything about what we've been through for the exact same reason. It does mean that we have had no support network but unlike you we haven't hone down the adoption route. Sending you big hugs


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## Gwen A (Mar 19, 2014)

I wish I had the answer - going through something similar with mum-in-law. She insists she wants to help with childcare but if I can't trust her with minor things how can I trust her the most precious thing in my life.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

sorry your Mum can't keep   thats a real shame as you've asked her not to share. would a letter to her along the lines of what you've just writen here help her understand?
re a child info..well theres one simple solution..dont tell anyone..not even our closes family knew our childrens background (until recently when DD who is now 8 confided her story to my mum) And you have the perfect reason now never to dislcose anything to your mum as she's clearly not to be trusted   


kj x


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks for your replies.  Mum has siblings to talk to... She knew I didn't want to tell them, but had too and I know she is just terribly excited.  But it's no excuse. We haven't even told dh parents yet as they are our tricky customers and wanted to be in stage 2 first.  I now feel it's all been jinxed.

You are so right kj, wanted mum to be such a part of our journey, but through my sobs this afternoon to dh, I was like you can't trust anyone.

I just don't get why she let me down, then makes me feel bad for being annoyed.  I can't even begin to get my head around how little respect there is for my wishes.  She knows exactly how I feel about telling people and how dh family don't know yet.... It's just not fair.

Another anxious few days.  I know adoption is full of uncertainty etc, but I didn't expect it from our family. Xx


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## Laws1612 (Dec 12, 2011)

Hi forgetmenot......
wow you really have your hands full at the moment don't you with everything at your work and now home not what you need.....sending hugs.....


I no how you feel we have told our closest family and one set of friends I explaimedyet again to my mum not even to tell my gran parents and she did exactly that.....I even said if she did say anythin I would never tell her anything again so thats now sadly what I have to do....apparently it just slipped her mind.....probs because she was excited but not the point she wouldn't have done that if I was in early stages of pregnancy cause of risks but the same risks apply with adoption..
.tell her you are upset and how bad it has made you feel and maybe she will get slightly where you sre coming from and just keep everythjng between you and hubby for alil while she might get the picture then....
hope it all works out...keep focused it will all be worth it in the end ive been told lol xxxx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

FMN - I feel for you as my mum is the same. But I've learnt to realise its just who she is. If I don't want her to say anything I need to spell out the what not or who not and why. Even then it can slip her mind if she's over excited. 

We like Keemjay kept all our sons history to ourselves until he wishes to share. I'm soo glad we did - even though it means she can't always provide the right level if support as she quizzes. I've come to think its a generation thing - my grandparents kept to their own counsel as the saying goes but the post war generation feel they need to share. A lot of my generation some share on social media that they wouldn't share face to face.

Hugs x


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Oh hugs, I hate when this happens.  You poor thing.    ((((((hugs))))))  

I think it's worth having a calm chat (or write a letter if you struggle to express yourself) and outline some of the things you said to us about how you feel.  She probably doesn't understand the emotional load of all this on you, and is caught up in her own concerns about adoption and being a Grandma through that route.

We found early in our process that we were so worried about not being able to trust my Mum not to share details of LO's background, that the stress-free solution was to agree that when the time came, we wouldn't tell anyone.  (once I was greeted by a complete stranger, who was a friend of Mum's with, "how did the last IVF go for you?"  I was incandescent.)  If any of your hurt and anxiety is around future confidentiality, then just agree with each other not to tell anyone now, and cross that worry off your list.  Our SWer clinched it for us by saying that she didn't need to know any of it to be a good Grandma.    None of our family know anything about his background, his birth name, BF details, or even the geographical location he came from.  I've told one good friend about his background, because I needed one trusted confidant to help deal with the difficult stuff there.

As for having privacy for the process, the only way you're going to guarantee that is by not telling her what's happening.    (((((hugs)))))  If asked, we told family it was "going well", told them a couple of weeks in advance about panels and what they meant, phoned them the results immediately etc.  During linking, we told family "things are moving," then when the link was confirmed, just before MP we visited, shared one photo, and told them the name he would be known by.  

It's completely out of order that your Mum hasn't respected your wishes and your privacy.  But you can't make her unless you're emotionally honest with her and she really gets it, or you simply don't share anything you don't want passed on.

BTW, I'm sure you're going to be successful and there is a LO out there who is going to hit the jackpot with you for a Mummy.    Your Mum simply doesn't have the power to jinx something this wonderful.


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

so sorry you are having to battle with family members, if they are anything like ours, they are so excited and just 'have to' tell someone, but they need to be told that its YOUR news to tell as and when you want to. Have another chat if you can, have you purchased the 'related by adoption' book? its fab, we passed it around our mums and in laws, it keeps people busy reading up, makes them feel involved and ultimately gives them knowledge and understating (which can only be a god thing, as they will start to see things from your point of view)

good luck
xxx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thanks for your replies.... Still mad!!  Well more hurt and upset.  She hasn't phoned me, and knowing my mum she won't, stubborn like her daughter and then she will ignore it.  I am going to wait to see today, then I will call and explain how hurt I am and reiterate again why I wanted it confidential.  We might not get through, we might not want to proceed etc, and then we have to tell everyone.  I am just disappointed.  I know it comes from the right place and she is excited, but I have been trying to prepare her how different but amazing this will be and how slowly slowly etc it all must be.  

I know it has happened and that's that, but just feel all the other external pressure as well as what I am putting on myself.  This is harder than tx!!!

Just waiting now to hear re medicals, so this is what I am worrying about also.... Just want answers, but need to be happy to just be waiting! Learning this... But difficult, being on sw time!!!


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Ps me and dh will be keeping all the details of everything now to ourselves.  Next we will be told we are being 'secretive' our potential family is now our priority xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

Just an idea but you know you have to get family references?? What able asking you mum to be one and get the SW who interviews her to make a big deal about confidentiality?


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

I know how you feel, my mum was and still is the same. We only told them after we had been matched. But we told her this was our news and we would share it when and with who we wanted. But a few days later she let slip she had told my aunt. After lo came home she told her neighbours ( who I don't even know) and an old neighbour of mine. Wth the old neighbour she didn't even know her. It was only we were in the town and we bumped in to each other, but we couldn't talk due to neighbour having to rush off. Mum saw her the following week and went and told her. Ahhhh We always said we wouldn't hide the fact lo was adopted, but I would rather let lo tell people if he wants to. I don't know why she feels she has the right to tell everyone. I know she is excited but it's our news not hers. I think now it's to late as it feels like she has told the whole world. Maybe it's an age thing? My mum is in her late 60's. We are just glad we didn't tell our parents until after the match.
I hope you feel better soon and your mum understands. Xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

I think there's also an excitement thing to it and pride. I know many folk who have been very proud of us adopting rather than chasing countless treatment etc (although we did quite a few).

In the early weeks and months my mum had told quite a few folk (and many more we were adopting?!?). But I had to have a quiet word after she kept telling people her grandson was adopted! It's not obvious and it's not hidden either but really does jean from over the back who you see once or twice a year in a local shop need to be told?

I think it was just her not used to it yet. Tbh I think it can be hard on family who life close (or even if further away). With newborns they get yo take them out on their own and show them off and brag etc but with our littlies, we should be keeping them close, they may extremely shy/frightened or over familiar with new strangers so we look over protective at times.

I've found it fades a bit as they get to know their grandchildren and can take it at the child's pace. Maybe that's just our family though 
X


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Thank you for your replies and understanding.  We have not spoken since, so I imagine the usual, brush under the carpet approach so I will phone tonight!!

Arrows, we were going to use mum, but decided not to as quite strong opinions.  We spoke lots about it and how I was like her and didn't like people knowing business etc, so there was no excuse.  She was just excited am sure and really hadn't realised in the moment and probably thought I would never know!

Mcgeyver and gertie thanks for the info.  I did get mum the book... But don't think she read it all lol, might be the issue.  I think you are right about the info we now share, both about any little one and the process.  It's such a shame . We weren't going to tell our parents, but felt as mum announced she was moving. Areas she needed to know in case she wanted to stay.. Needless to say made no difference any way lol

AFM af arrived, so that will explain the constant snivelling!!  I just wish I could have all that whipped away.... There is no point each month 

Will face the music tonight and dh emailed our sw yesterday for an answer re stage 1 ending.  I have missed deadline for resigning from responsibility at work, and there is a promotion at work I would actually like to apply for if we're not going through to the next round ( we play a-factor in our house.... We're currently aiming for boot camp, aka prep days!!  Just trying to lighten the stress!!)

We also had quotes for garden to make it child friendly and proof OMG.... Don't want to spend that either!!

So we shall see today.

I am just a moaner.... Getting used to uncertainty and being out of control....gulp!

Thanks for listening xx


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