# Really struggling with everything right now :(



## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi,

My partner and I have been TTC for nearly 2 years now and we're currently going through investigations. I have PCOS but my tubes are clear so i'm a bit confused now. My partner is currently waiting for the results of his sperm test. If his results are bad then we have to go straight to IVF but I can't have that until i'm 23 and i'm nearly 22 so that's a whole year of waiting. There's no way we can afford to go private because we've got our own house and don't have a lot of savings. If his results are positive i'm going to be given drugs to help with my PCOS but the doctor said it could be 5/6 years before I concieve. I am so lost. Having a child is all i've ever dreamed of and I really thought it would be easier than this. I'm struggling to cope with everything and my job is suffering and my health. I've been sent home from work twice because I can't stop crying and I feel so anxious at work it's hard to be around people. My fertility nurse has referred me for counselling and I have a telephone interview next week. My collegues say I should go to the doctor and tell him how i'm feeling so i'll get anti-depressants but I really don't want to be on them. I don't want to be labelled. I'm tearing myself apart and I can't afford to lose my job but I really can't cope and I can't find any real jobs to do working from home.

Any help would be very much appreciated 

Carls x


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

O Darling   .


Im sat here struggling not to cry for you as iv been there and know how all consuming it is esp when you start off.  I found the investigations one of the hardest parts i really did, for me they kept on finding things wrong with me, things that werent even totally related to fertility, so i can, along with pretty much every other woman on this site, understand why things are so tuff for you at the moment.  


When you start being investigated it all feels so so intense and it is, your scared that there going to find something wrong its all so so conflicting.  What i would say from personal experience is try to forget the time span.  Yes you have been trying for 2 years and if you need ivf it will be another year, but in all honestly the time it takes is irrelivent.  The important thing is that you do finally get your baby and that your able to hold on to your sanity and the the things that are important to you, eg your partner and your job.  It has taken me and my dh 6 years and 4 rounds of treatment to get to where we are today, 37 weeks pregnant.  It has been the hardest and longest battle of our lives so far, but we have somehow managed to cope and most importantly stay happily married.  What i am saying is that you need to be careful that your need to have a baby doesnt over shadow all the other things in your life.  Yes its natural for it to to some degree but remember that the only reason you want a baby is cos you have a partner that you love and a stable life style.  


I know its blooming hard but try to be in the moment and enjoy the life you have, yes your heart is breaking and you have realised there is no quick fix but you still have so many other positive things to focus on.  Yes i think anti dep help if your really struggling but maybe you just need to take stock of where you are with it all and try to make some small positive steps.  I know sports isnt for everyone but i found a lot of release from badminton, jogging and most importantly walking the dogs.  Yes it doesnt change anything but it helped to stabilise my mood and wear me out so i slept well.  Council ling was another thing i tried and found to be very helpful.


I can understand about you struggling at work as i was a dep manager of a care home but couldn't really cope with it, my boss was very understanding but also know that i was struggling to have a baby.  After quite some months, maybe even a year my boss suggested that i may need to consecrated on whats more important, eg having a baby.  I stepped down and became a support worker.  i struggled a great deal with this disision and on one level it compounded the thoughts that i was useless, but the benefits of just going in and doing my job, outweighed it.


Yes waiting for a year to start treatment is tough but my god your lucky that your treatment is being paid for you by the nhs, do you know how many rounds you could get?  After having 2 x icsi and one nat fet, we found out that we were having the wrong treatment as i also have a genetic condition and need pgd.  The 2 x icsi and one nat fet were funding on the nhs at our local hospital, after we used them up unsuccessfully we know we would have to pay for treatment, we were so tired and down trodden by it all and our relationship had started to suffer.  We decided to leave it a year before we looked into having more treatment at a different place.  When we did look into it our new clinic found that i had this genetic condition because of that it took another year till we started treatment.  So in total the wait was 2 years, were were so so lucky to receive one go of pgd on the nhs,this round has given us our longed for pregnancy.  The wait was def worth it, by the sound of it your also lucky enough to be receiving nhs help that is pretty amazing and a lot more than a lot of woman get.  Yes the waiting is hard but use the time wisely, get fit, having fun with your partner and sort your head out and your work, the year will fly by.  xxxxxx


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you so much for your reply, wow you waited such a long time for your baby, I wish you the best with everything  

I also think I am lucky to have such an amazing fiance because I know this can tear couples apart. Your advice is very helpful and I am trying to do a lot of things to take my mind off it, they help for a bit but my mind always comes back to it :/ just the way it is I suppose. 

My boss is back in on Monday so I think he will be having a big talk with me then, kinda dreading it but my assistant boss has told me not to worry because he's been off for months with depression so he knows what it's like.

The doctors have been no help whatsoever! All my tests and counselling have come through the fertility nurse who I finally plucked up the courage to tell her how I was feeling. 

I know we have a way to go and I am trying so hard to be positive.

Thank you once again for your advice, it means alot and I also know I am not alone in this like I feel at the moment.

Carls x


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## stelle (Oct 9, 2007)

Hi Carl's I'm sorry to hear your feeling so down big hug xxx stay positive your so young you will get there x I've waited 10 years and not giving up I will soon be 40 and just managed to get funding and staying positive x I went through a rough patch during the investigations but feeling good x stay strong xxx


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## Tiggs81 (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi Carla

Like the others have said, stay strong. I normally find I go through stages of being consumed by everything baby and fertility related, feeling down and unsociable, then will have a really good couple of weeks and manage to try to 'forget' about it all. You are so young, try to enjoy your time with your fiancé and friends and concentrate on all the wonderful things you can do as a young, carefree, child free couple! Getting stuck in a negative mind set really takes its toll on relationsips, I definitely believe staying positive helps. Good luck x


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you both for your reply, I get where you're coming from with the feeling fine one week and then awful the next, I am a bit stuck at the moment. I've just signed myself off of work for a week so I am hoping to sort myself out. We've just been told my fiance's sperm is fine so that's brilliant for him but now it's making me even more upset because now it's all down to me and I feel like i'm holding him back although he's telling me not to be so stupid. I know we can get through this just hard atm, thanks for the support. 

Carls x


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Also, probably sounds a stupid question but how do you get the pink writing underneath your posts that tells others about you? 

Carls x


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## Toad76 (Feb 9, 2013)

Totally get where you are coming from. We are having all the tests now too, but this is the second time for me, as I was married before and ttc, and sadly that fell apart. 

I'm now happily remarried, and here I am again, ttc and being referred. Some days you just feel like you can't cope, and want to cry all the time, and everything reminds you of babies, you feel like you are going mad. 

That's why I found this place recently, and its not been long, but I feel so much better knowing that what I feel is normal. It's not cause I can't cope, or am being pathetic, which is how I felt. 

Take comfort in the fact that we're all in it together. You might not be able to have IVF for 12 months, but is there other treatment you can try in the meantime now you know your DH sperm is ok? 

Focus on making sure you are both healthy & eating right. I'm about to start Yoga to try and help not be stressed! Make sure you're on the right vitamins etc. 

Read any info on reputable sites about how to be healthy to conceive. NHS & Tommy's are good. 

I'm finding trying to concentrate on what I can do now it helping, while we sit out the weeks of waiting for blood tests, and referral appointments. It's really tough, because I was 25/26 when I first tried and now I'm 36, it feels like I have been waiting to have my family forever, and my divorce inbetween felt like such a failure I thought I would never have a chance. 

Good luck on the journey, and join me in trying to stay positive, and when you just can't then talk to someone on here who can listen. That's my plan, hope it helps you too.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Dont worry everyone asks! and so did i  


Go to the front page, forum, profile, then forum profile then go to signature.xx


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## BABYBEAN (Jul 3, 2011)

Hi Carl's

I was just reading around the site and noticed your post and while I can't offer you much advice I just wanted to send a big   your way. After having my DD at 35 with no problems, it was while trying for a second it all went wrong for us. I didn't really suffer much during the investigation stage as in some respects I was in complete denial, but I did make the mistake of forging ahead with back to back treatment cycles, which didn't work and in between times I had miscarriages which I just didn't give myself the time to get over. The last 4 years or so has been hell, and like you I really struggled at work and forgot who I was. I ended up on antidepressants for a year in 2011 and I can honestly say those days were the darkest I have ever experienced.

You have a window before you now to try to work through your thoughts, emotions and feelings, it will also give you time to prepare mentally for what may, but hopefully won't be a difficult time ahead, and you are young,and really have that going for you too. Don't make the mistake of missing your feelings out and nurturing yourself like I did, try if you can, but I know it's hard when you are so desperate, to see this time as a window of opportunity to increase your chances, go and do all the nice things you can. Most of all be kind to yourself    

Babybean


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Toad76, Sorry to hear about your marriage that is one thing I am scared of but my fiance seems to be a tough cookie putting up with my moods! Glad you hear you have found happiness again. I feel like a failure especially now that my fiance doesn't have a problem, don't get me wrong I am so happy for him but it just makes me feel like i'm holding him back now although he assures me I am not   I am glad I came accross this site as it has made me realise although most of my friends don't understand there are people on here who get it. I am also keeping a diary which is helping me control my feelings a bit. I am taking folic acid and also I am trying to exercise although some days it's hard to be motivated. I am glad you are staying positive. I am trying so hard to be positive. Thank you for your responce, it means alot. 

Carls x

Babybean, You are lucky to have had your daughter with no problems  but I can see how much of a struggle you have had with your second, this is one of my biggest worries. My fiance and I have always said we want 3/4 children, depending on whether we have girls or boys, ideally we'd like one of each and then one more but at the moment all we want is a healthy baby. So we are worried about if we will actually have the family that we've dreamed about. I find it hard to be kind to myself when I feel like I am failing. My doctor isn't very helpful with my mental state, he's referred me to Right Steps but they are not really doing much. I am going to attempt to help myself with Rescue Remedy for my anxiety and Kalms to help with my mood and sleep. Also, I'm thinking about giving accupunture a try. In the meantime, i'm going to keep myself busy on my week of work and try and regain some normality! Thank you for your reply, it's nice to know that people care  

Carls x


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## ilovethesea (Mar 11, 2013)

awwww sending you all big hugs for a bit of comfort with your worries  

i understand exactly how you are feeling and i joined this site so that i didnt have to feel alone anymore as all the worrying can make you feel terribly lonely  

we have been ttc for over 2 years now, my other half has 2 teenage daughters already but we have no children together. I am 33 and he is 39.  i was refered to mr moustafa at frimley park hospital last september. i had an exam, a chlamdia test and got sent away to have a da 1-4 blood test and a hycosy test and my boyfriend to have a semen analysis.  we have finally had all of those tests done and this afternoon at 4pm we have to go to see the consultant again for our results. the radiographer who did my hycosy test said things looked ok so am really unsure what to expect from this afternoon.

i go through phases of not thinking about it and then when i know my appointments are coming up i get really upset and anxious! ive cried twice already today with nerves about this afternoon and in the end made myself join this site so that i could be a friend to others and maybe make some new friends so we can help each other out.

after the hycosy test i cried in my car like a silly billy and this lovely lady knocked on the window to ask if i was ok and that made me cry even more!  who knew making a baby could be so difficult!

i share your anxiety, i think the fear of the unknown and waiting for appts and test results is the most terrifying thing of all and that is the most upsetting bit.

if you need a new friend with an equally anxious mind then count me in, i am here!

xxx


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi ilovethesea  

In the end I took a week and a bit off work because I was getting myself into such a silly state! Luckily it has helped and I am a lot more relaxed now and trying to keep positive - trying! I'm also taking Kalms and Rescue Remedy so i'm guessing they're both working as i've calmed down a lot more now! 

I've had all my tests done - as far as i'm aware - and waiting for them and the results is truly terrifying. I have PCOS but clear tubes so that's okay I guess, Fiance is fine nothing wrong with him! I went through a stage of telling him to leave me because I was the problem but he's still standing by me. I am really lucky to have him although I thought finding a husband (to be) would be the hard part not making a baby!!! I guess I planned my life thinking there would be no problems here and now it's all gone wrong I really am finding it difficult.

This site is great for knowing you are not alone in this, no matter how alone you feel and also for asking questions, finding out things and helping others  i'm really glad I stumbled across it 

One thing I do to help me calm down is keeping a "Journey to Pregnancy" Diary. Sounds silly I know but it really does help me control my feelings.

Nice to hear from you and good luck with everything 

Carls xx


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## ilovethesea (Mar 11, 2013)

Hi Carls,

How are you today?  What are the next steps for you now?

Thanks for the tip about the pregnancy diary, I am going to look at that today.

I booked some time off work today and am going to boots tomorrow to get some calms and might treat myself to a facial or something relaxing!

I went to the appointment with the consultant at Frimley park hospital yesterday. The consultant said my tubes are clear but I need some assistance with ovulating although my bloods showed no signs of pcs. He said though that my OH has a low sperm count and 0 % motility which was a massive blow to us. We have to resubmit the sample and hope its better in a months time and have to take all these vitamins in the meantime and then if OH results get better then he will give me Clomid. Consultant  also said i have to get my bmi down to under 30 maximum and its currently 33 and before he gives me Clomid.

I have made a list of the vitamins to buy and am hoping for the best! just frustrated that we didnt get clomid yesterday and i got myself into such a tearful state yesterday in fear of the results and now have to go through that again! i hate the waiting game so much!  so now we have to pump my OH full of vitamins and hope and pray the motility changes in a months time.  we were told if it doesnt change then he will be refered to a urologist who will see if they can identify any problems and then if that doesnt work we would need assisted conception but they have said we cant have that because my OH already has 2 kids! 

i wanted to scream out loud yesterday!

am trying to be positive but i know that come results day again i will be stressed and upset!

its like the never ending waiting game!


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## Carls305 (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi,

Yeah i'm good today, seem to be tired all the time now but I think that's the Kalms doing their job. Trying to stay positive at work although it's hard I can't afford to lose my job.

Oh I'm sorry to hear about your OH's sperm test, I hope the other sample is better! If not I suppose there are drugs for him to take too. I'm not sure as really luckily my Fiance's was normal.

Well the next step for me is an appointment with my fertility specialist on the 4th April. I'm guessing they will give me clomid or metformin (metformin i'm hoping for because i've read that helps you lose weight too!) I didn't know you had to have a certain BMI before they gave you clomid?! Never been told that before, I will have to do my BMI it's probably over 30 though  I'm trying to lose weight but it's bloody hard and i've been told it's even harder with PCOS! Lucky me!!! The only good thing for me is that i'm young but it doesn't stop my need for children. People keep saying oh you're only young you've got time on your side, plenty of time for that etc etc and it drives me crazy!! I know that but i've always known i've wanted children young and now i'm in the perfect situation to have one but I can't 

I too am on the vitamin thing :L Currently taking Santogen Mum-To-Be as it contains a lot of good vitamins and most importantly Folic Acid. 

Sounds like you had a pretty rough appointment  Glad you are taking time off work it really does help just to relax yourself and spend time by yourself too.

Stay positive! 

Carls xx


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