# Worries about not being biological mother



## StrawberrySundae (Jan 30, 2017)

Hi I just wondered if anyone has any advice about using donor eggs please? After multiple MC's I realise have to think about it at my age.

I feel very sad about the thought of having a child who didn't look like me. My family are all very lucky with their physical appearance, so this is an extra thing that maybe some people would be less bothered about? It may sound unimportant but surely has crossed some other people's minds whilst considering DE? 

I'm also worried about what if my DH (or anyone else)decided to raise this in the future if ever we had a bad argument? Or the child preferred him as it was biologically related to him?   He's been very supportive throughout our ivf journey and is a lovely husband but no one is perfect.

These may sound like stupid things but I wondered if anyone else had thought about them or had any advice?

Thank you xx


----------



## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

Hi StrawberrySundae,

Sorry to hear you've had multiple MC. It's a very cruel world.

Now on the subject of DE there are several great threads under the donor egg section, but to answer your own questions, here goes:

Yes, these thoughts probably cross every intended parents mind when considering, and going through DE IVF and people have many different ways of looking at it and coming to terms with it.

For myself, I'm perhaps a bit different to most DE recipients as I was adopted at birth and so know what's it's like to grow up with non biological parents. When I say, I know what it's like, I actually know no different if that makes sense.  It doesn't bother me that I don't look like my parents or brother. Many biologically related people do not look anything alike either. 

I can honestly say I have never ever thrown up the fact to my parents that we don't share DNA.  It's ok that we don't look alike, they are still my parents.  Many OE conceived children have more characteristics from one parent, then the other.  In most of my friend's children I can only see one parent, if any, rather than a mix of both. 

When I move to DE it was an easy decision for me, as we wanted a family and there was no way my eggs were going to play ball.  I was a little sad that they wouldn't perhaps have my skin tone or eyes etc, but I know I will love them no matter what. Additional when going through the matching process you stipulate what characteristics you are seeking from the donor, eg. Brown hair, blue eyes, height, weight etc to try to get as close a match as possible to your own physical appearance. For others things like education and occupation are important.

I like the analogy (which I've used on here before) that an egg only makes part of a cake.  If you borrow an egg from a neighbour to make your Victoria sponge, it's still your cake. You cooked it and nurtured it.  It's the same with a baby.  

Of course there's the risk that your child/husband may say cruel words, but please do not let that stop you from having a family.  I'm 100% sure that biologically related children can say just as hurtful things as a DE conceived one and often children have a preferred parent who they go to. 

As you have these worries I think you should see a specialist counsellor (most clinics encourage/insist on this anyway) to ensure you are completely comfortable with DE and to go through your concerns.  I know most people find this really helpful.    

I'm now 20 weeks pregnant with a DE conceived child and I honestly don't feel like it's not my DNA and I hope that I can reflect that in how I bring my baby up.  We will tell our child(ren) about their conception and we will face any challenges along the way.  For me, being adopted hardly crossed my mind growing up (or now tbh) and it's just part of life and it honestly doesn't bother me.  I'm looking forward to meeting my LO and cannot wait to give them the biggest cuddle.  The baby growing inside of me, being naughty by giving me sickness all day long is definitely my baby. 

So, my advice is have counselling, maybe contact the donor conceived network, talk to people on here (as you already are) and try not to worry too much about future convrsations or physical appearance of your child.  There will be love between you no matter what.

PM me if you want to talk more, but I hope this has been of some help to you.

Hugs and thoughts are with the you xxx


----------



## sienna9 (Jan 29, 2017)

StrawberrySundae sorry to hear about your MC have they confirmed it is your eggs and not immune issues? If it’s immune issues you will have the same problems with donor eggs. 

I’ve just had a DE transfer & in 2ww, I did a lot of soul searching before going down this route and read people’s blogs who had children from donors. Which I found reassuring as the ones I read all said they didn’t feel any different and thought of the child as their own.
It’s also worth reading up on epigenetics as there is newer research showing that the mother’s womb even with donor eggs plays a part in the gene’s that are switched on or off. 
The other thing even if you had a child with your own eggs they may not look anything like you or your husband, that’s the fascinating thing about genetics there’s no way to tell.
The clinic we are using lets you choose, blood group, height, weight, eye, hair & skin colouring plus educational level for the donors so there will always be some similarities. 
I would do some more reading and consider counselling, it’s a big step to let go of your own eggs and it has to be the right time for you.


----------



## StrawberrySundae (Jan 30, 2017)

Hi June, that is a lovely reply, thank you very much!   I love cake!   It was really helpful to hear about your experience and views on the subject. We're open to adoption as well at a later date, but I wanted to try to have a baby myself too first. You sound like you will make a great parent! 

My DH has rung me up to reassure me too which has been nice. He doesn't mind what we do, which takes the pressure off a bit. My Gynaecologist who I'm seeing this week will no doubt urge me towards using donor eggs again and I feel a bit more open to all ideas, but haven't made my mind up about anything yet. I've looked at a couple of clinics in CR and Russia (you can see donor photos on the Russian clinic website, but my DH thinks there might be corruption over there?)

It sounds so superficial to worry about whether a DE baby would be ugly, but you're right that most children look more like 1 parent anyway and there's such a big gene pool involved even under 'normal' circumstances.

Thank you so much and have a wonderful happy pregnancy   xxx


Siena thank you as well   Yes I've read about epigenics and it's good to hear others' opinions who've been there. I feel a bit dubious about epigenics as I'm not sure the influence could be that great, so accepting & feeling happy about using DE seems more important to me, as well as focusing on the idea of nurturing & loving a little individual rather than wanting a mini-me! 

I agree that counselling is probably a good idea, although feel a bit bored of it after this long stage in my journey to having a family! I've already had some previously, sometimes it can be really helpful. BTW, I've noticed blood group is mentioned quite a lot with donors - this feels the least important thing to me - does it matter what blood group the baby is? I think mine is different to most of my family.

Thanks very much xx


----------



## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

I love cakes too, and StrawberrySundae's haha 

Yes, my husband was worried about overseas clinics too, he just didn't believe the standards would be the same as here and that there would be corruption, so we went with a clinic in London, which basically still rob you of your money haha.  Loads of ladies have been more than pleased with clinics in Prague, Greece and Spain. We really wanted to be able to tell the child they were donor conceived and give them the chance to try to ' trace' the donor if they wanted and a lot of overseas laws means donation is completely non traceable. 

On the blood group topic, I think if parents are not going to tell their child of their conception then they like to have the same blood group.  I've no idea what blood group my donor was or even what my husband's is, but I now know mine's a negative blood group and have to have anti d injections incase. 

Your husband sounds fab, definitely a keeper.  it really makes a difference when they do little things like that.  

Don't let your gynae bully you into it though. As Siena says make sure they can tell you, (as much as possible anyway) the reasons for the mcs. 

Good luck at your appointment and by the way, if you de cycle in the UK and  you don't fancy anymore counselling due to overload,  at the moment counselling is not mandatory, clinics will tell you it is, but it's not. What's mandatory from the HFEA is that clinics must offer counselling, but you don't have to take it. Just a small point, but thought I'd let you know.

XxxxX


----------



## boxfish (Jan 30, 2014)

Blood group would only matter if you don't plan to tell the child that he/she is donor conceived - so no, it doesn't matter.


I never wondered about my future baby's looks or what I would not have because of DE. What I wanted to get clear was, how DC would impact my child's life and if I would be able to live with what ever that might be. Well I found I could and never looked back from then. Like June I'm not genetically linked with my parents (fostering). That might play a role in that... I love my parents and they love me. 

Epigenetic is often mentioned in that context. I would recommend not to overstate that. Yes, you as carrying mother would impact what genes might express and what others might not. But in no way would you change the genetic material that child comes with. Despite of that: do you know that all humans actually share 99.9% of their genes? It's that tiny 0.1% (regarding to both parents, so only half of that for mother or father) we are talking about when we call someone "biologically related". It always felt weird to me that people make such a fuzz about it.


----------



## StrawberrySundae (Jan 30, 2017)

June yes I just like puddings in general!  
Thanks it's interesting to hear counselling isn't mandatory at the moment. Nice that you're happy for your LO to trace donor if wanted in future. I think we were looking at non-traceable ones, but maybe that's a bit selfish of me! Yes I'll see what my Gynae says, but don't think he'll suggest anything new. I've had immune tests & plenty of others, only have some slightly raised nk cells & antithyroid antibodies, so had steroids etc for that. I have to have any-D injections as well. Xxx

Aliena thank you also for replying   A really nice helpful positive message. Yes it's interesting to think that we all share so much genetic material. I once read somewhere that humans share 98% DNA with chimps and 50% same DNA as a banana!   xxx


----------



## annasss (Feb 8, 2017)

StrawberrySundae said:


> Hi I just wondered if anyone has any advice about using donor eggs please? After multiple MC's I realise have to think about it at my age.
> 
> I feel very sad about the thought of having a child who didn't look like me. My family are all very lucky with their physical appearance, so this is an extra thing that maybe some people would be less bothered about? It may sound unimportant but surely has crossed some other people's minds whilst considering DE?
> 
> ...


Oh, dear I understand you very well. my situation is similar. After several miscarriages we decided to undergo de treatment. I know it is already a hard issue for me and my husband. you know the saying 'a true mother is not the one that gave birth but the one who cared and brought up', it all depends on you, on your attitude to this baby. 
I have decided for myself that I would be the greatest mother in this world, no matter that I'm not a biological one


----------



## nevertoolate (Jul 15, 2015)

Hi please note that it should be made clear that the donor conception network are pro telling if you are encouraged to contact them. Some people tell and some choose not to tell. We will not get into that here but please be aware that there are two viewpoints.


----------



## StrawberrySundae (Jan 30, 2017)

Hi Annasss, I totally agree with you, thanks for your nice message   I've had a bit more time to think about it and coming to terms with the idea a bit more (some of the time!   ) Will do what I can and then accept destiny whichever way it goes. We will be happy with our babies when we eventually get them  

DreamingofBFP thanks yes I'm aware of the 2 arguments, I'd probably be in the telling camp, but I'm not there at the moment, so who knows.


----------



## annasss (Feb 8, 2017)

StrawberrySundae said:


> Hi Annasss, I totally agree with you, thanks for your nice message  I've had a bit more time to think about it and coming to terms with the idea a bit more (some of the time!  ) Will do what I can and then accept destiny whichever way it goes. We will be happy with our babies when we eventually get them
> 
> DreamingofBFP thanks yes I'm aware of the 2 arguments, I'd probably be in the telling camp, but I'm not there at the moment, so who knows.


 You are always welcome . We all here with one goal - to find a support and this is understandable. 
No no, you are ok, you are willing to take a time for consideration as much as you need. I also had a tough last 2 days, I couldn't decide where to go. I couldn't make up my mind to choose the place and that's killing.
Anyway, I wish you to gather your thoughts and choose the allowed path.


----------

