# You are not alone



## yakyakfire (Dec 30, 2014)

I am not alone 
Hi, I'm new here. I just wanted to share a little rant just so you know you are not alone, just so other people know it is ok to feel like I do. 
When I was a kid, what did I dream of? 
Well, ponies mostly I guess. I had a playmobil family with three or four kids and ponies and dogs. As I got older I would spend hours with my moms catalogues detailing all the things I would have when I had a family. I would choose bunkbeds and clothes that came in packs so they were better value. Two sets of each for boys and girls. a big shoe rack to go by the door.
Another Christmas has come and gone and there is just the three of us.
I stupidly cling onto hope. It kills me.
I thought this time it might be different. The timing works, and well it's Christmas, if I prayed hard enough, wished hard enough, asked St. Nick, then surely  a miracle might happen.
Every "family" gathering becomes dreaded. Who will announce an expansion this time? how many times will I be be told that I ought to stick to just one as an exasperated parent tries to part squabbling siblings?Yes I have one and I'm lucky, but at 22 nobody told me he would be my only shot and you try explaining why he doesn't get anyone to fight with even though it's been the only thing on his wishlist since I can remember .
Or will there be an enquiry into exactly what stage of the process we are in and what we plan to do next?Maybe I will be offered sage council  such as... when you  stop trying it will happen ( erm, no. no sex definitely means no baby)... or you will probably get pregnant right after you adopt ( not exactly a comforting thought). Possibly I will be told try harder, or asked " what are you playing at".Most likely I will be told not to stress over it and that it just isn't meant to be.Trust  me, barring medical help we have tried everything and if sods law worked I would have my family by now. 
And every month I hope
Every month my breasts must be swollen, that smell is surely stronger. I do think I am a bit queesy. I would be 28 when it's born I could  have three  more, 4yrs apart. 30, I could maybe have 2 yr gaps... 33 I could squeeze in 2 more. For two weeks against all odds i convince myself that this time it's  for real. 
and then I grieve.
And then I plan. We will adopt, I would only be 34/35 we would still have time to build a family, maybe we may get lucky  and once that has settled down I will be what! 38/39? miracles can happen right?Or perhaps we will go medical after all, surely then by the time I'm 34 we will be set, we could possibly do it again. or maybe adopt when its older?
And then I hope.
And the referral form for the fertility clinic sits in the drawer because this time it must surely happen.And some days I just don't know if can stand another disappointment. Another loss.

Sent from Samsung Mobile


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi yakyakfire and welcome to FF,

I just wanted to say that so many people here (myself included, although my path has been a bit different) will identify with all you have written 
It's so hard for those around us to understand (unless they have experienced infertility themselves), and unfortunately secondary infertility is often met with even less understanding and compassion, even though it is every bit as painful 

I wanted to thank you for your wise words, and for reaching out to so many who will hopefully gain comfort from realising they are indeed not alone in this battle.

I hope 2015 is the year that you realise your dream 

Angie x x


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## mrscharlala (Apr 11, 2014)

Hi
Nice to hear your story. I can definitely relate. I get cross at myself for not being happy with one. I'm so totally 100% head-over-heels in love with our daughter. I think she is the most perfect person alive. But I cannot stop obsessing about having another. 
It's so hard to be good mum when you're feeling miserable about another failed cycle


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## treezuk (Jan 5, 2015)

I couldn't have wrote that any better myself even after recently divulging to people that my egg reserve is low people still turned around and said to me you should just be greatful for what you have , two of those people who said it were parents of 2 children so how the heck can they 1) say that and 2) think that's useful to me in any way just because I have one doesn't mean he shouldn't have a sibling and I shouldn't wanna give him one. They also forget how long I tried to get him in the first place 5/6 years and then he was born so poorly he nearly died to me I just don't understand some peoples logic when they open there mouth.

I hope you find your dream this year xxx


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## yakyakfire (Dec 30, 2014)

Thankyou ladies. I have beaten myself up quite enought over the hope/despair cycle and this year I have decided  I will not even attempt to quit hoping. I just figured other people might like to know it is ok to hope in an irrational kind of way too.
I am finding the waiting hard, my sister tells me she knows how it feels because she really wanted more too and I just have to accept it. The difference being that she didn't want any until she hit 36 and she had two in 4 years. i had my first at 23 I wanted plenty more and now I  am 33. 
We think we will adopt but due to unusual home circs that will have to wait a couple of years, which is hard to watch time disappearing.


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## treezuk (Jan 5, 2015)

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles I hope that whatever happens you get your wish


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## TillyF (Oct 27, 2013)

I'm in the same boat too. Can identify with what you have said.
Horrible today when my dd said, 'what's it like to have  sister?'
Decided to keep on trying again, but don't know how much longer for. 
Good luck to all.


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## Sienna77 (Jan 6, 2011)

Just wanted to send you hugs, knowing that feeling all too well xx


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