# Low Self Esteem



## eggtastic

Hello there,

I am really struggling with low self esteem.  Its bringing me down, making me anxious and just making me feel really sad and depressed... and the the cycle gets worse.

OK, not being able to have a baby was just the icing on the cake.  As in, I have always suffered from low self esteem.  So, failing in trying to make a baby just re-enforced my feelings of failiure.  EG, nothing ever goes right, am I worthy of anything, am I capable of achieving things, can I be successful... On top of this I feel like I have become so insecure.  I am constantly comparing myself to others, like DHs ex, people DH can have a laugh with, Mum explaines how she is as a person and says your sister is like that... and I question myself, and I am not?  Does that mean I am not as good?

Its like I have somehow through my life come up with these beliefs and every time something goes wrong, it seems to prove that what I thought is actually true, whcih in turn makes me depressed.

Have any of you ever felt like this?  

I am feeling so desperately low.  I am making relationships difficult.  I feel like I have lost myself, my charachter and the fun me.  I don't laugh very often, and have kind of bowed down to my fate and have accepted the life is, rather crap, but in turn I am desperately unhappy and absolutely miserable.

Would appreciate any of your experiences and how you dealt with it to try and fix things.

I think I am going to look at some CBT books, but I think I need something really simple and easy to follow.  Through the years I feel like I have distanced myself from friends and other important aspects of life in order to protect myself from failiure... and now I am feeling so isolated and lonely


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## MadameG

Hun I just wanted to send a load of hugs    

I went through quite a few months feeling exactly as you've mentioned last year, it was before ttc but we were having a horrific time with DH's ex wife (a perpertual cycle but one I'm learning to cope with) and at the same time struggling with finding a new job after mine ended. I recognised it fully when I was speaking to a family member and realised I had nothing positive to say and had stopped smiling. For me, acknowledging that I felt miserable and insignificant/failing/inferior but allowing myself to feel that it was 'justified' to feel that way as things were horrible, meant that I found a light at the end of the tunnel and I began to claw my way out of my little pit of despair.

I am in a much better place now - it took a while but I'm sure that you will be too. Hopefully you can find something/someone to help you through this time and you'll come out smiling again. Taking time for myself was definitely important, as I felt like I was continually unable to achieve things but knew that the more time I spent feeling like that the worse I became. My allowance to myself was to sit in a nice bath or watch crappy telly for a while or to get some scones and cream - just little things that made me happy again. I also consciously began reminding myself of my achievements and visualised all the negative thoughts floating out to see in a box (sometimes with the ex wife..), which I found did work well for me.


Take care hun, I'm sure some others will be along with some better advice soon xxxxx


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## gettina

All I have to offer is hugs eggtastic.   
Xx


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## mrsmcb

Hi there hun

First of all hugs to you, you arent alone.
We are undergoing investigations and coming to the end of the road and I have been off work sick since january with depression.

i wont go into my local town, i struggle leaving the house, i dont want to see anyone and its horrible so I kinda know how you feel,

It is such a hard time  

Here if you need to rant and moan xxx


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## Lisafoxey33

Hi I know it'd hard guess we are all having low/high days & when you think your day cannot get any worse you hear about another work colleague/friend being pregnant!!! I just it as fate & life loves to play with us mind & body some people are born lucky & others are not!! We just have to keep fighting & hope that one day we are given a lucky card in life!! Good luck & chin up x


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## eggtastic

Hello ladies

I am trying to work through my emotions.  This is something I have not taken the time out to do in the past.  I had hard times, and somehow got over them (without working through the emotions) but what happens is every time I get a knock back, it re-enforces my feeling of worthlessness and feelings of failiure and inferiority.  I read a bit on the net about low self esteem and its really helped me understand 'why' I feel like this.  So, before which was only the other day, I felt like a 'bad person' for feeling the way I did.  But now I know that I am not a bad person, its just that each 'criticism', each time I am bossed around, or each time I am rejected, my inner beliefs are confirmed...

EG:

Being bossed around = makes me feel inferior because in essence I feel that I am inferior (always feel everyone else is more clever, worthy, pretty, capable)

What I need to do in order not to feel like that is:  Tell the person, I am busy right now, can you do it yourself OR, 'DO IT YOURSELF!'  

So I need to be more assertive.  Learn to say NO more.

Criticism= I am very touchy about this... I beat myself up about doing something wrong, get so upset.  I am not quite sure about this one yet... not sure why I take it so badly.  Maybe someone can help?  Or I might try and read up.

Rejected= This one is easy, basically when I am rejected, I feel like I am not loved.  It feels so bad because in essence, its confirming how I feel about myself, which is, I am not good enough to be loved. Being rejected is proving that I am not lovable.

This is a lot to work through... I think I will have to read a CBT book or something.  

MadameG - thanks hun.  Well I think you are right.  Its like a self fullfilling prophecy... the more you thing negative things the more negative you feel...  I need to do more for myself like you said, its the samll things that count, like enjoying the little things in life.  Give yourself time to chill.  I think my mistake is I always put everyone else first, give everyone the best and my self the 2nd best... but when you see that you do not get back any of that nice treatment, you start to feel low.  So in some ways I should not give too much, and maybe do more for 'me'.

Gettina - thanks for the hug - sometimes we all need them  

mrsmcb - sorry to hear that hun.  Are you seeing anyone about it?  Councelling?  Even over the phone or online on a forum?  I got like that at one point.  I went to a shopping center, got in the lift to go down, felt so anxious I went back to my car.  I just felt so ugly, so self conscious that i just couldnt face it.  I felt so unconfident - like a little mouse, so fragile that anyone could trample all over me and i had no strength to stick up for myself.  It was horrible.  But I somehow got out of that frame of mind at the time and it didn't last very long.  But what I can sya is, try not to give in to it, as it will snowball and become worse.  Please take little steps at a time and get out of the house.  It will help you.  If you get anxious, take deep breaths through your nose and out through your mouth.  

Lisafoxey - thanks hun.  As I am working through my emotions, I am starting to realise that I feel like I am just the unlucky one.  That everything bad happens to me and some of my family.  But I think that instead of feeling these things, and making myself feel worse, what I need to do is, focus on the good things that I have.  And to think of people that don't have what I have... maybe I need to make the most of what i have.  And instead of me moaning to myself, maybe I need to get off my butt and try and make a difference.

I know one thing, no matter how horrible and crap I feel, I cannot give in, I have to survive and I have to do something about it.  No one else will sort my self esteem out.  After all, my low self esteem is aboout my own inner beliefs about myself, not about what others think of me.

So I think I have to start by looking at the 'woman in the mirror' first, and 'make a change'.... in other words, I need to show myself, that I AM CAPABLE, I AM CLEVER, I AM PRETTY, I AM LOVABLE, I AM NOT INFERIOR.

In order to start believing these things myself... I need to do stuff to convince me first so that I can believe them.

Little tasks, like learning something new, pampering myself to make me feel pretty, NOT TO PUT MYSELF DOWN just to make someone else to feel better about themselves (I often do this, and then realise I made myself feel awful for the sake of boosting someone elses confidence), saying no to requests that will make me feel bossed around.  I must realise that I am me, there is only one, none like me, I am unique therefore special.  

OK - I CANNOT HAVE A BABY!!! But that is only a small part of me.  I need to stop focussing on what I have failed at, and what I haven't achived - I NEED TO STOP JUDGING MYSELF BY MY FAILINGS AND START TO JUDGE MYSELF BY MY ACHIEVEMENTS... and I must ACHIEVE MORE LITTLE THINGS TO BOOST MY SELF BELIEF AND SELFCONFIDENCE.

I am not going to give in to these feelings.  I am not going to let them win!

I am feeling stronger today than I felt yesterday, and the reason for this is because I am looking at the root of why I am feeling this.  Its not because i am worthless after all, its because I have been convincing myself of something that is not true - I just need to sort my BELIEF SYSTEM OUT.

I am not sure, maybe I have sounded like a nutter today.     But this thread has acted as therapy to me.  I hope that maybe it has helped you a bit too.

I just don't want to feel crap anymore.  There should be more to life than feeling crap!!!

bigs hugs and lots of kissess


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## eggtastic

By the way - would any of you reccomend any books about self esteem 

I found this on Amazon and i am wondering if it is a good easy one to follow:

Beat Low Self-Esteem With CBT: Teach Yourself by Christine Wilding and Stephen Palmer (26 Mar 2010)


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## eggtastic

Was feeling stronger yesterday.  Today, its another story.  For some reason my anxiety is controlling me more than I am controlling it.  Made the mistake of talking to my dh about it.  Just got told off and shouted at, told  to pull myself together, and get a grip.  I am sorry I opened my mouth.  

I am just so fed up of feeling to fragile and I feel so fed up of how easy it is for people to upset me and make me feel so awful all of the time.


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## eggtastic

Another day, another emotional struggle.  No one close to me seems to understand.  I have decided not to utter a word of my distress to anyone close to me.  But ultimately I need to speak to someone.  

This is something I will need support with so I am going to try and find a counsellor.  I have seen a lady on the NHS before.  But I don't think she was the right person for me, she was very cold and she didn't really help as much.  This time I feel more of a mess.  

I did see my GP the other day and she did suggest CBT and some form of medication, I think she mentioned Amytriptiline.  But I am a little bit worried about going down the drugs route.

I think I will give her a call back regarding the CBT as it costs a hell of a lot to see a counsellor.  It upsets me that it costs so much to seek help.  It shouldn't and it also should not be so hard to find one through your GP.  

In the meantime maybe throwing myself into the gym may help... that way I will probably be so physically tired I won't have the energy to worry and wind myself up all the time.


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## Rowan22

Hi Eggtastic,

Didn't want to read and run. You are obviously going through hell at the moment. I'm sorry and I'm also sorry that your dh seems to be so unhelpful. I think the problem is that these men run out of things to say, I know mine does. 
I have to admit I would be very wary of taking anti depressants to deal with this and so far I've managed to avoid that route. The problem is that it's a grieving process, like a bereavement and stopping that isn't helpful in the long run. CBT is fine when you're strong enough to talk yourself out of some of your more irrational thoughts. It's not much good on bad days. 
Counselling shouldn't be so expensive, it's ridiculous and so are the waiting lists to get any help on the NHS. You also need to get a counsellor who understands infertility and preferably not one who's going to go on about her children or grandchildren. (It's happened to me). 
I have just come from a hospital appointment where I've been told I definitely have the beginnings of yet another auto immune condition, and I tried to tell the consultant just how heartbreaking it is to have a serious illness that destroys your fertility, being left with chronic conditions as direct consequences - and once the initial problem is under a control, fighting a seven year battle to conceive and keep a child. I am so fed up with trying to force this body to do something it just doesn't want to do but I just can't stop. We have one round of IVF booked and after that? Who knows? 
That mythical state called 'acceptance' is still a long way off, I'm afraid. 
Exercise does help, if you can do it in this heat. I find that meditation helps me but it does bring up all the feelings, so again, you need to feel fairly strong to cope with them. 
The mantra 'it will all be all right in the end and if it isn't all right, it isn't the end' helps a bit, too, though I've no idea how it can be all right at present and I'm afraid of turning into a bitter, twisted old woman or a desperate, pathetic figure of fun, like the childless aunt in 'Outnumbered'. 
Look after yourself   

Rowanxx


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## eggtastic

Thanks Rowan  

I think a lot of my insecurities have been created by IF.  Im not saying I never used to be 100% secure before this all.  Its just that so many failiures is bound to knock your self esteem.  I was always able to pick myself up after one failiure after the next.  I think what happened is that I have come to a place where we have tried more or less everything.  And when it hasn't worked, and there is no where else to go, then it really is a blunt and cruel failiure, and the end.  

So I guess the feelings that this all brings about is how hard I tried, and how I failed every time, no one can help me achieve my dream... therefore I feel hopeless.  The one thing I wanted most in my life.  I feel like a write off, can't be fixed.  At times I even think to myself, maybe I would not have been a good mum anyway, I am so weak, maybe its better I did not have children genetically related to me anyway - as the poor things would suffer being as emotionally weak as me and prone to feeling down all of the time.  Maybe DH and I are a bad combination, maybe we are destined to be unhappy as a couple and maybe its a good thing that we didn't get to have children after all.  The more insecure I feel, the more clingy I get, the more DH feels suffocated and oushes me away, and when he pushes me away- its another confirmation, I am unlovable - I knew he doesn't love me, he obviously doesn't want me or find me attractive, soon he will leave me for someone else.  Then I vocalise this crap and then drive him insane, and then my fear is starting to become a reality because I am making it become a reality with the way I am feeling.... and thats when ANXIETY has got a hold of me and I am no longer in control... and as a result - a big old MESS!

And you can see the cycle of the bad thoughts, no wonder I have low self esteem.  Gosh, what am I doing to myself?  Constantly putting myself down in my head.  No wonder I get so upset when someone says something horrible to me or criticises me.  Its because if they think that too, then  it must be true. And thats when the tears come.  

I admire you Rowan for keeping on trying - as i think I cannot do that anymore.  I know that in reality, I cannot keep pushing myself.  I have already pushed myself too far - carried away with the hope of my dream coming true... and loosing myself in the crazy journey.  I do think enough is enough for me.  Good luck - you are very brave. x

Ps-that counsellor sounds like a right prat! And I would also rather try to avoid the drugs... but you never know.


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## eggtastic

I just read my post back to me and just reading my thought pattern back made me realise how I am managing to have a panic attack... its like your thoughts are out of control, and wha you are thinking makes you panic, then your heart starts to pound and you realised that you aren't breathing properly.

I wish there was a pill that could just stop you thinking.  That would help - a hell of a lot!  Maybe thats what antiDs do


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## eggtastic

Well, I have manged a few things.  Gp tells me that St Johns Wort acts like an antidepresant - so it bing natural I might give it a go.  Although my GP said it can take a while to kick in.  

I have also asked her to refer me on for CBT.  And she is going to check my thyroid incase that is causing the increase in axiety - apparently it can do that.

Feel like I am doing something more about it at least.  

This thread is starting to turn into some sort of a journal.  I know there are quite a few people reading this.  I hope you don't all think I am a nutter    But typing this out is helping me.  I can type quicke than I can write so beats writing in a journal anyday.  And at least I feel like I am talking to someone rather than talking to myself.


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## Rowan22

Lovely posts, Annarosie.
How can you accept surrogacy, though? We keep thinking about it because of all the health issues I have but I can't get over the ethical considerations and I also think I'd be a cr*p mother if I can't even carry my own child. (This isn't to attack anybody else's decision, obviously, it's just how I'm feeling right now.) My dh is definitely in favour, because he thinks it will give us what we want. 
How do you cope with the eight month wait, especially as in my case it would be her egg, not mine? And we'd be doing it in this country, so I'd be watching this woman pregnant with my husband's child, feeling utterly helpless because she could do what I can't. 
We're thinking about donor egg but I have to find some way to stop my body rejecting it, as all the auto immune rubbish means that the immune system is on permanent hyperdrive. 
Eggtastic, St John's Wort can help but if you're on any form of medication, you need to check with your GP first and yes, like all herbs it kicks in slowly. I'm glad she seems to be doing something for you. It definitely is worth getting the thryoid checked. 
I hope you start to feel a bit better soon.  I find keeping a journal does help, actually, especially on the worst days. 

Rowanxx


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## Rowan22

I'm sure you will be a fantastic mum, Annarosie and I hope you never thought I implied anything else. It's just that I find surrogacy a difficult route to consider, that's all. I am honestly interested in people's reasons for taking that route. 
We won't be going abroad for any form of treatment because we simply can't afford it. 
No, I don't think that having a functioning uterus or whatever is the most important part of being a mum, not at all and we were prepared to adopt. We were rejected three times on health grounds and neither of us can stand the thought of another rejection. Otherwise, we'd try again. 
Over the last seven years, I've shed cartloads of tears over all this. I was sick, very sick in my thirties and I was left with several chronic conditions and then found that the primary illness had put paid to my fertility. Despite this, I tried over and over again to conceive, not helped by the fact that by the time the original illness was under some sort of control I was already in my forties. All I've ever had is a few blips, when the period was a bit late but I've crashed so badly every time that's happened. 
The only solution seems to be to accept that my body just will not do this thing. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as that and the fact that I'm now 50 obviously doesn't help. I now have to think, 'OK, well am I just too old now?' Looking at your signature, you don't have that issue at least. 
I wish you all the best with your clinic and your course of treatment. I just don't know what to do but I certainly don't wish to come across as critical in any way. 
Good luck with it all.

Rowan


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## Rowan22

Oh, thank you, Annarosie!   
I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope the dreaded 2ww isn't too awful for you. 
We will go on thinking about surrogacy. To be honest, I think the biggest barrier just now, apart from finance, is wondering what on earth my family would say!

Best of luck with it all,

Rowanxxx


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## eggtastic

Hello

I just wanted to pop back on here and say thankyou to you guys for taking the time to respond.  I have been offline for a while and my phone isnt FF friendly.  

I have been up and down.  Its not been good but some days are a bit better than others.  The anxiety is getting a bit better.  St Johns Wort is something worth a try - if you google it, it is just as good as an antidepressant (only for mild anxiety and depression).  I think it has helped me unless it is having a placebo effect.  Even if it was, some effect even if it is imaginary is better than none.

Its going to take time.  I have to stay strong.  Afterall, having gone through many years of bfns, the stress and upset and the effects of all the dissapointments and failings had to show its ugly head at some point.

x


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## CathE

Just read your post and wanted to thank you for postig it as it's exactly how I've been feeling, particularly low self esteem and withdrawing from people. I've just moved to Australia by myself and it's still hard, but a new start has certainly helped x


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## eggtastic

I am glad that my post has helped you.  It was a difficult one to post as I felt quite ashamed of how I feel too and it is not nice to admit these feelings to anyone.  Since writing my original post I have opened up a bit more and had a little cry on a couple of shoulders.  And it has really helped.  Especially the next day after having the little cry and release, I just felt a lot more better.

All of these feelings are so complex sometimes it takes us a while to understand them and then get through them.  Maybe some of these feelings will be there in the background for a long time.  But the more we speak about them the better we will understand them and therefore develop better coping mechanisms.

CathE - You are very brave to do such a move on your own and I admire you!  That is a great way to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing something by yourself and you are obviously strong to be able to do that.

Actually despite all of these feelings that I have gone through and despite the fact that they make me feel really weak, I think there must be something strong inside deepdown otherwise I would not still be standing.  I think we just need to do little things to prove to ourselves that we can be strong.

Little things...

Good luck with your move.

I am in a good place at the moment... I know I will have a dip at some point, but I will just have to dust myself of by doing things that make me feel better about myself x


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## Mummy Noodles!

AnnaRose. Thank you for the two poems you posted earlier on in this link. Both ment something to me. They made me feel better and gave me hope. Loneliness can be crushing but reading these beautiful words lets me see I am definitely not alone. 


Hope you are feeling positive and moving forwards. Thanks once again.   


Noodles x


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## livingonaprayer

The lasy time I came on here I was full of hope and dreams, of a successful ivf, however it was not to be and since my BFN I have become overwhelmed by the same feelings that I am reading from you ladies. I used to be so upbeat, but it feels like this huge disappointment is gradually swallowing me all up. Everyone around me has children and it's like I just don't fit in anymore, as the hope has gone and it is so final.
All too often I find myself being treated like a child by peers, perhaps because they see me as a child ( not being a mother) or maybe that's just in my mind..I drift through each day, with no interest in an exciting future, reliving the fateful day of the BFN subconsiously, and I just can't seem to snap out of this, it's bloomin wearing me down.I don't know when I'll bounce back, but fear that my negativity will start affecting my work and relationships if I don't.
It's conforting to come back to this forum and read similar experiences, all of a sudden I don't feel in the minority and a failure on my own so much. How can we put our disappointment behind us and still live a satisfying life without children?
Any ideas of positive things I can focus on would be appreciated, as i feel so worthless as a woman now.


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## janeo1

Oh hun didn't want to read and run. So sorry you are in such a sad place at the minute and your right it does wear you down. Don't think there is any magic formula to make you feel better unfortunately. I don't think the pain ever goes completely but over time it doesn't hurt quite as much, doesn't feel as raw .  At least thats how it feels for me.  I too was naively optimistic at first, then spent years watching as friends, family, acquaintances & everyone I met through this site all had children  eventually....but not me. I don't know what to say to you, other than with time you will find your own way. It isn't the life we would have chosen for ourselves but its the one we have got. 
If you have a partner can you focus on them and spend some time together doing all the things you have put off doing  because of treatment.  I see you mention that everyone around you has children , perhaps you can enjoy relationships with them& be a fab auntie? I know I love my niece and nephews to bits and they mean the world to me, its not the same as having a family of my own but its the next best thing.  Sorry if this seems glib its not meant to be. I truly to empathise with how you are feeling, it will get better I promise x


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## eggtastic

sorry to hear that yolu are having a tough time.  I had a dream the other night that I had given birth.  It felt so real and I felt the love when holding the baby in my arms... very dissapointing when I realised i had just woken from a dream.  I feel flat.  I try to be happy and do things that make me feel happy.  Maybe the secret is that we have put the focus of our lives on having a baby and being a mother.  And now that we cannot achieve that, the meaning of life has gone.

Maybe the secret is to find a different focus and meaning to our lives.  To live life for ourselves.  To appreciate that we have our health and that we can have independence.  To be loved for who we are and not what our bodies are capable of.  To try and enjoy the little things in life. To enjoy being 'alive' for once and to stop prodding and probing ourselves with medicines and injections.  To somehow look at the positives of not having children.  I do this now, i look at crying kiddies and think, well at least I dont have to stay up at night... or worry constantly.  Ofcourse there is a little bit of 'fooling myself' going on there.  I would not mind the sleepless nights if i were a mother... but maybe this is the only way in which we can heal our souls.

We were given this life to live.  We must therefore make the most of it.  To be healthy is a gift.  Therefore grab every opportunity that life gives you.  Travel, take up that hobby you always said you would like to do... try new things, be kind to people less fortunate.  Give your life meaning other than being a parent!!!

You are the master of your own destiny... I am trying to practise this myself... it is a challenge... but I have to do this.  So can we all xx


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## Rowan22

Eggtastic, what a fantastic post!   
Livingonaprayer, I have been where you are. In fact, I'd be willing to bet most people on this board have been there and for a wretchedly long time. I think it's important to remember that Eggtastic is right: you haven't failed; your body has. It's true that this thought can lead me to wanting to tear into mine in absolute fury, especially as I have other health issues but at the end of the day your body is not you. We all know that so many people can accomplish the physical part of being parents, can produce babies as if they were shelling peas and can't bring them up when they get here. 
It does get better. I don't have the consolation of being an auntie, as my only sibling has no children, either and I can't get involved with other people's kids, especially as I always want to argue with the parents about how they're bringing them up (toddlers in Tescos at 10pm, for example?!) Once the children are a little older it gets easier, as by that stage they're starting to become more independent. 
I do think that the fact that so many of us are struggling with IF and in some cases, we are talking about very young women, does point to something being wrong in general terms. Perhaps it's some of the food we eat? This might be why there are so many illnesses, like ME, that were never heard of when our parents were young. I don't know and nutrition etc isn't my own field but I do wonder. (There were three very good programmes on BBC2 before the Olympics, entitled 'The Men who Made us Fat,' about this issue.)
I think Eggtastic is right about the change of focus, though that's easier said than done. I find that it doesn't always help me to spend too much time on here, either, though this forum has been really helpful to me. But you can read and read and read and get so down that you feel you want to shoot yourself in the end. It does feel as if it's all your life is about, not having kids and that can't be true for anyone. 
We are now going down the surrogacy route. I am not sure it will work but it's worth a try. New health issues have made the one and only round of tx that we could afford seem rather dubious. One good thing about doing this is that it means the issue is completely out of my hands; we can't afford to go abroad, so if some kind person won't help us, that will be that. There's a sense of relief, actually; I can stop obsessing about it all of the time. 
What do you like to do, livingonaprayer? What's always been important to you? Music? Exercise? Old black and white movies? You need to find yourself again, the you that isn't dependant on whether you have children. She's still there. And yes, I've felt like a failure, too but remember, it isn't you that's failed, it's your reproductive system. You wouldn't blame yourself if you have stomach problems, would you?
Sorry I've rabbited on a bit but I hope some of it is helpful. 
Look after yourself   

Rowanxxx


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## eggtastic

Rowan - love the 'find yourself' bit in your post!!!  I need to find myself too.  Im not there yet - just having a positive phase.  I agree, reading on here can be quite depressing.  I mainly come on here now either when I feel low for support or to write a post to help others really.  If I find a 'way' of feeling better I want to share it.  It is an amazing site that has helped me so much through the years.

Rowan good luck with the surrogacy.  Is it straight you are going for?

Love to you all xx


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## Rowan22

Hi Eggtastic  ,

I think I am in a positive phase at the moment, too. No idea how long it will last and I can still get those piercing stabs of grief from time to time but I think the fact that we are actually having positive phases is something. 
I've spent seven years of my life ttc and crying, sometimes every single month and you can get fed up with it, after awhile. At the end of the day, if the body won't, it won't and you can't make it conceive and carry a pregnancy. In my case, there are real health issues, which all add up to a malfunctioning immune system and the doctors can't or won't quieten it down. I think I've been pg several times, only to lose it after the first few weeks. 
Yes, we're going for straight surrogacy, there doesn't seem much point worrying about my eggs at my age. I am still trying to get my head around it all and this process isn't helped by comments from friends that I should just 'accept' my situation, usually by people who have children and grandchildren. 
I agree, if I do have a positive day and someone posts who is obviously so upset and distraught, I want to try to help. We all know what it's like in the beginning, when you get the 'you know you won't have children' speech, which in my case, was on the _phone_! I didn't know and I had no idea the odds were so poor; like so many of us, when I was young, I was told all about how to prevent pregnancy but never told that fertility in women is so time limited or that it's affected by illnesses.
I agree about this site, too, it's been a wonderful support during the last few years. I think this whole thing is a process, a grieving process and it takes a long time, unfortunately. Some people seem to be able to move on much faster than others and in some cases, a solution comes along more or less straight away and it's the right one for them. That wasn't the case for us. 
All we can do is keep trying to find ourselves! 

Take care everyone,

Rowanxxx


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