# I'm new - long story but at elast you know why I'm here!



## Nicola K (Oct 20, 2004)

Hi, where to begin? I have a son Domonic, from my pervious marriage. I had 2 miscarriages, one before my son and one after. 

I met my husband in 1998. We decided to try for a baby, immediately falling pregnant as soon as I came off the pill in 2000 Iwas 9 weeks pregnant and we were all looking forward to the excitement of a new baby (mark has no children of his own) when I had a dark sicharge one day and a mild pains in my side (which I'd had for a few weeks and not thought anything of it as my Dr told me its my uterus stretching) anyway went to Dr again and he sent me to EPU. 

Had scan and devastating news that it was EP. Kept in hospital, had operation, I cried and cried after the op, my poor husband didnt know what to say or do, my son was upset too, they'd taken away the tube, which would obviously have an effect on my fertility.

We decided to carry on trying for a baby, I still wasn't pregnant by the following november and we decided to get married as it was taking over our lives, each month was a dissapoinment when the period came. 

SO we had a lovely wedding the following August 2001, then what do you know I fall pregnant, obviously very worried that it would be another EP and I went ot my GPs and he agreed to send me for an early scan the following week, then I had the discharge again, I knew straight away it was another EP, tho I had no pain this time, I was 6 weeks, they took me in and did the op, again, devastating, this one was hanging out the top of the tube, so they managed to save the tube. Though HSG showed slight scarring, due to this we decided to carry on trying naturally but also seek IVF. 

The first go was more of a trial as the level of drugs they gave me didnt stimulate me and I only made one egg (2001), this cycle failed. 2ND Cycle in 2002, they doubled the drugs and I only made 3 eggs, but they fertilised and I had 2 put back, they did the test and it was positive! Then 2 days later I started bleeding, I miscarried, I had very little support from my SiL which really hurts me. April 2004, I had terrible pains in my side and was rushed into hospital for operation as it was another ep and they removed the tube. I cant explian the pain and emotions I felt, so unfair, my poor husband who has done nothing but support me and I cant give him the child we so desperately want together. 

During all this many of my friends have been pregnant and its been so hard for me to be happy for them (I am pleased )I have trouble showing it, I know they understand but every time I got pregnant one of my SiLs fell pregnant and went on to have healthy pregnancies and children. No one understands what its been like for us and people have come out with the most insensitive comments, BiL (fully aware of situation) make a "joke" about Mark having a dog to walk instead of a pram, esp MiL, told her my test was negative after 1st IVF, she said oh well , then went on to tell me my SiL wasnt feeling too good with morning sickenss (bad timing or what), boy do I hate her at times, she's said some of the most hurtful things. I keep clear of her now and we dont tell her whats going on with us. 

She was hurting my feelings too much. April this year I had the same pains and bleeding, again I was rushed into hospital with another EP, this time they took the remaining tube away, to be hoinest I had a mixed bag of emotions, 1)theyve taken my last chance of having natural conception 2) at least the risk of ep is out of the way now.

Not so, I've been told by the Consultant that even with IVF I have a risk of ep as they can settle in the stumps, is this curse to follow me everywhere? Anyway now I have just started my 3rd go at IVF, I'm on triple the dose, as my Drs hoping to make at least 5 eggs, I was really ill the last IVF with the high dose so I now I'm going to have a rough ride with the strength this time. 

We've decided that we'll maybe have one more go at IVF after this one, and then thats it, sad, as I know my Husband really wants us to have a baby together and all his friends have had them and his brothers I can see the pain on his face when he holds the babies. My son is sad too for the fact he's not got any siblings, he's 13 now

I'm truly blessed that I have him and I know there are a lot of ladies out there who done have any. I often wonder what went wrong with body after having him, everything seemed to have packed in. Anyway sorry its so long, but at least I have it off my chest now. I wish all you ladies the best of luck in whatever you decide to pursue. 

Dec 04 - Again another failed cycle, we were devastated when we got the results.  I only made 4 eggs (which is an acheivement for me) only 1 fertilised, I knew then that this cycle was over and it wouldn't work for us.  My friends have been very supportive, but my SiL have totally ignored the situation yet again I've had no support from them whatsoever.  I cant understand how they can ignore my feelings, I know its difficult to know what to say to someone when things go wrong, but a simple "how are you" or "thinking of you" would be lovely as it would open up to talk about things with them.  No matter what I have been through the last few years I have always made time the time to put their feelings first instead of my own all the time.

Anyway we hope to have another go in the spring.  Dreading it as it will be our last go so its more pressure for it to work.  

I still feel very raw with it all and am often found in tears.  I really cant put into words the loss and pain I feel.

People seem to think because your babies where never born that they dont and didnt exist.  Theyre very real to us as is the pain we feel for losing them.

I've used this board over the years as support as everone on here knows of the pain and trauma we feel through EPs and the loss of our children. I dont feel so alone, I often lie in bed at night with tears rolling down my cheeks through the overwhelming sadness I feel and feel life is so unfair and why Me?? Best wishes Nx


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## wolla (Jul 19, 2004)

Nicola

Sorry I can't offer any words of wisdom or reassurance - we're just starting out - but i felt moved by your post and wanted to send you a big   and I'm sure there are people on here who can identify with what you've been through and give you any support you might need.

The best of luck with your next round of treatment, I hope it all works out for you and DH.

Take Care
Mandy


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## EmmaK (Aug 6, 2004)

Hi Nicola,

So sorry to hear about your m/cs, i haven't experienced one but can imagine the elation you feel about being pregnant to having that joy and hope quickly taken away.

I know how you feel with all your friends and family, everyone around me seems to pop them out like theres no tomorrow, even my brother and his wife are three months pregnant! It is so hard, i'm so happy for them but also so jealous!

I really hope your next round of treatment works, you and your dh (he sounds great) really deserve for all your dreams to come true.

Lots of love

Emmak


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## Guest (Oct 26, 2004)

Hi Nicola

I am sorry to hear all of the m/c that you have had.  Like a the other ladies here i have not had a m/c and can only imagine what you have been through.

I also have a son from a previous relationship, his name is William and he is nine.  He would love to have a brother or sister and it is so hard trying to explain why he does not have one yet.  i often wonder what went wrong with my inside too considering I was on the pill when i fell pg with him.

The worst thing is the pain I fell each month my period arrives as I have been married 3 years this year and I so want to give my DH a baby of his own  

I would like to send you and you DH a big   and I wish you all the best in your treatment's from here

Love Charlotte


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## Nicola K (Oct 20, 2004)

Thanks for all your kind words.  Life is so difficult for us at times.  I too would love to give my DH the child he yearns for, this has broken his heart, he doesn't say much as he doesn't want to upset me, but I know he feels it.  We've said that if this cycle doesn't work then we'll have one more go, apart from which the money its costing us, we've spent £nearly £12000 on it so far,  we have to accept our fate, and just begin a different journey together and enjoy Domonic whilst he's young (13).  Sad but we have to get on, we dont want it to take over our lives and all we have to remember is heartache we've been through, we want some good positive things to do and remember too.  Lots of baby dust to you all. Nx


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## Val 12 (Oct 26, 2004)

Hi Nicola, 
i'm new to this site and was really touched and saddened by your story. I too have a child by a previous marriage (a daughter aged 11) and have been trying to conceive with my 2nd hubbie for almost 8 years (he has no children). We've had the usual investigations over the years and have been told we have 'unexplained infertility'. We've had 3 attempts at IUI and i'm almost a week into my injections for IVF.
I know what you mean about insensitive relatives, I don't know how i've kept my gob shut at times. My sister accidentally got pregnant 2 years ago and rang me in tears !!! I was half way through injections for IUI at the time. She decided on an abortion but felt she had to ring me and tell me all about it and how terrible it was for her. I found it so hard to cope with and am proud of myself for not calling her a totally selfish cow (obviously hadn't heard of contraception). My mother was very upset for her and couldn't understand why I was so angry. I really feel that unless you've had problems conceiving you haven't got a clue.
Sorry for rambling on but I really do feel u and dh deserve a chance of happiness and I will be interested to see how things work out for you both,
take care,
Val  xxx


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## Laine (Mar 23, 2002)

Hey Nicola & Val

A huge welcome to FF!  So pleased you decided to join us.

Wishing you much success with your journey's.

If there is anything you need, please ask.

Laine x


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## Nicola K (Oct 20, 2004)

Hi just wondering how you're getting on with your treatment, I'm hoping to have EC next thursday and ET next saturday, didnt think I'd get here as I had a cyst which wouldn't go away, everntually it burst, so I'm roughly 2 weeks behind schedule.  How have you found the treatment this time, I've been very sick on the drugs, but not to worry not long to go now.  Kinda helps having xmas to look forward to as it takes my mind off things for the time being whilst doing xmas shopping!  Anyway take care Nx


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## caroline1 (Apr 15, 2004)

Hi Nicola,

Just read your message, really feel for you right now.
DH and i have been ttc for nearly 6 years and we have had 2 m/c and 1 still birth along the way, so i sought of know like many of the girls on here how you feel.

I have only just started posting back on FF recently as i felt that I needed a break away from thinking about babies..however it's good to have come back, as i think i forgot just how much support that i had been getting from some of the girls on here.

I know what you mean about people being so insensitive, my best friend who had been ttc for 2 yrs called me to tell me she was pg on the day that my daughter sophie would have been due. My MiL also says things like 'you can try again', 'it wasn't meant to be' or 'maybe it's for the best'.
I don't think people mean to hurt, but if they just stopped for a moment and really thought about what they were saying then it would make a huge difference.

Hope that it's third time lucky for you, and got everything crossed.

Best of luck

Caroline


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## Nicola K (Oct 20, 2004)

Hi, hope everyone is ok and have a nice xmas and NY.

Braved it again and made my appt to see my Consultant again for 07/02/05, to start the ball rolling again for another go.  We've said that 2005 will be our last "baby year" - to try again one more time if this go in spring does not work.  I'm 38 in October and feel as tho time is running out for me.  Also being made redundant at end of March so it is an ideal time for me to take time out whilst doing the cycle as I felt very ill on it this time so I will be under no pressure about having time off work, this year I will drift with jobs until I know for sure if we're having a baby I dont mind and I can hopefully get a contract for 6 months or so, then have a few years off.  If it doesn't work then 2006 I will concentrate on a change of career and maybe do some studying, so as of sorts I have plans so to speak albeit they're all up in the air at the moment!!

Had a funny xmas and NY but feeling lots brighter now, as this 3rd go knocked me for 6 - feeling ill and the BFN.  Only just got myself back on my feet.  SiL still not spoken to me since beg of Nov and still not mentioned anything about the IVF.  So upset and mad with them.  My NY resolution is to cut out the negative people in my life and concentrate on the people who do support me and love me.  Otherwise I feel drained with trying to make excuses for people and the way they are.

Anyway see some of you in March for cycling together. Nx


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## Lucy Lou (Oct 19, 2004)

Nicola,

Just read you original post & had to reply, whilst i havent gone through all the heartache of ectopic pregnancy's i can definatley relate to the unsupportive in- Law bit!

Mine asked my husband just before we married if he should be getting involved with someone who was clearly going to be a "problem" - fortunately he didnt agree!!

I am such a stronge believer in "what goes around comes  around" & concentrating on all the people in your life that are suportive & ignoring the negative ones is definatley the way to go.

I really hope that 2005 is your year ( and mine!) & i wish you all the luck in the world.

Lucy Lou x


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