# Telling Family



## myturn (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi

After three failed IVF attempts and DE the only way forward DH wants to tell his family.  They are very close and i understand that he wants someone to talk to and it will stop the "when are you going to have grandchildren" talk but i'm not sure.  

I'm not ready to tell my family yet but feel i have to as i can't risk them hearing from anyone else.

Any advice welcome!


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## Shellebell (Dec 31, 2004)

Hi


I am going to move your post to the Donor Board so you can get some answers to your specific DE question   


x


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## myturn (Jun 29, 2011)

Ok, thanks


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

Hi Myturn,

Everyone's story is different, and so are their families, so I can only tell you what my experience has been. I had a natural miscarriage at 38 and wasted several years of trying naturally as all the regular hormone tests were good before moving to IVF. We did 2 Own egg cycles with disastrous response, one biochem and a BFN. When we were advised to move to DE I knew it was coming and I was very accepting. I really never thought it was a big issue to accept using a donor and was open from day 1 with family and friends and I can honestly say I have never had a negative reaction. My parents absolutely adore their granddaughter and don't see her as anything less than my daughter and therefore their flesh and blood. Only a couple of weeks ago my Mum commented on the fact that Hannah has the same fluffy, fine hair that both she and I had as small children. Another lady I know had a premature menopause (17) and had DE twins in her 30's, but without telling any family members. sadly she had an acrimonious split from her husband who then threatened to 'tell' their relatives about the DE, so she felt compelled to tell them herself. None of them batted an eyelid as they love their grandsons.

Only you will know what is right for you, but I think you may be surprised at how accepting your family will be. At the end of the day you will be given the gift of a single cell, but it will be your body which nurtures it to life - it will be totally your baby and their grandchild.

I hope you are successful and are as blessed as we have been - the gift of DE has brought us more joy than we could ever have imagined.

Caroline


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## heavenly (Sep 7, 2011)

Myturn - I do understand.  We have been TTC for 4 years, both my sisters know we have been trying (they both have kids), but they do not know we have been seeing a FS for the past few months or that we will probably be looking at DE.  I keep putting off telling them,, as I don't know when we would start treatment, and also, there is so much for me and OH to get our heads around re DE, I don't want them knowing until I have as much info as poss.    One sister I know will be fine, the other is a bit judgemental but perhaps I am being too harsh on her.  I have no parents, grandparents etc to tell.    We probably won't be telling OH's family as they are a bit of a dysfunctional bunch who would probably love using that knowledge in the future, so easier not to tell!  Families eh?

I will be telling the child (if I get that lucky), I won't be able to keep such a big thing a secret and will tell my sisters and close friends.

You will know when to tell when you are good and ready.  xx


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## myturn (Jun 29, 2011)

Hi Heavenly and Lil Elvis 

Thank you so much for your advice.  It's much appreciated. 


xx


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## Sarah140 (Mar 26, 2012)

Just wanted to add... We've been very open about our IVF struggles with family and friends. And now it's time to move to a donor egg, we're telling people about that too. The vast majority of people we've told have been great. They take a deep breath, ask me if I'm okay about it, and then say that obviously it'll be my baby as I'll be carrying it. Which is fab. But... It tends to be friends that are finding it easier than family.

My DH's parents both have reservations. Firstly his dad was all in favour until we told him we'd have to go abroad for an egg. Then he seemed to change his mind and just wants us to be happy with our son and leave it all alone. And his Mum just keeps saying that she'd hate to see us ruin the lovely family unit we currently have - almost as if a donor baby would have two heads or something! It's odd. Especially since it would still be their grandson as we'd still be using Matt's sperm. 

Whilst they say they'll support us with whatever decision we make, I know that behind the scenes they're hoping we'll give up with our plan. My DH keeps telling them that we're still thinking about it in order to avoid whatever difficulties it is they're having coming to the surface. They make me feel a bit like I should be more anxious about this than I am - because they all are. Almost like I'm not making a big enough deal about it. You know? I'm cool with it, so what am I missing that they're all seeing?

My mum has been great though. Saying that these days no family is "straightforward", it's rarely one mum, one dad and 2.1 kids, and that carrying and giving birth to the baby is all that really counts. So, I have someone in my corner at least.

Wishing you well,  Sarah  xxx


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