# Bad day when it should be a good day



## JoJo7 (Aug 24, 2013)

Hi guys,

I'm really sorry but I just need to blub. I'm feeling pretty guilty right now. A close family member just had their beautiful baby today. The first in our family. I'm the eldest and I guess I'm just really wishing it could've been me, I wish it was me that gave the first grandchild and great-grandchild. I wish it was me they were all coming to see in the hospital and posting about on ********. I just really wish it was me.

I give myself a guilt trip at the best of times and so feeling this way makes me feel sick to my stomach and I really don't like myself right now. Been secretly crying all evening just to get it all out so I can go visit in the next couple of days and give the support I want to give.

I don't want to feel like this.
Sorry for the me me me post. I just wanted to get it all out in a safe place.

Jojo x


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

that's ok. blub away.
it sucks when younger family members get in first, and even more so when they get in AGAIN and you still haven't got there. What really got me was my mother putting up pictures round her house of other people's babies and kids, oh that's so and so's little boy/girl... I was forever walking into a room and being confronted by someone else's child staring at me from a photo frame... for so long it was never me. the pain of it just eats into you. 

I was blessed eventually but I haven't forgotton how it felt. the pain, the frustration, the sense of hopelessness. not even being allowed to be angry but constantly having to put a brave face on and swallow back the tears. lost count of how many times I left the room so people wouldn't see I was upset.

Good luck when you go to see them, I hope it is easy and that eventually you get your own moment in the limelight and that when you do, your family make you feel special.


----------



## Lolem (Sep 1, 2014)

Jo jo, don't feel guilty. They're all perfectly normal reactions. I've been there myself and know how hard it is. Don't beat yourself up about it. I really hope you get your little miracle x


----------



## JoJo7 (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks guys, that means a lot x


----------



## MandyPandy (May 10, 2010)

I have felt your pain.  I have recently read back through my old TTC diary entries and wrote almost word for word what you have written. 

The pain does go away but in the meantime, you need to look after yourself.  I would suggest bawling your eyes out for as long as it takes... and maybe then write down all your feelings.  Write how it makes you feel, how it's unfair, etc., etc.  It really does help to get it all out - and you are absolutely allowed to feel the way you feel so at no point should you feel bad about yourself or guilty for what you are feeling.  It's a very painful time for you and you need to acknowledge that in order to move on.

Huge, huge hugs.  

xxx


----------



## JoJo7 (Aug 24, 2013)

Thank you Manypandy. You're right, allowing myself to bawl my eyes out for as long as I needed was exactly the right thing for me to do. I accepted my feelings, didn't try to block them Out and allowed myself to express them (in private obviously). I'm feeling stronger now and feel confident that I can deal with this. Also looking forward to meeting the new arrival but if I feel sad when I get home afterwards then that's okay too, I'm not gonba beat myself up about it. 

Thanks guys, you've been great.
Jojo xx


----------

