# Time at Home and Routines



## Ally Wally

Hi, 

I guess I am looking for some re-assurance here or perhaps some suggestions.  Our LO is 22 months and although in some respects, he is an amazing child, he can be very tricky to manage and keep happy. My main question is how much time does your LO spend at home each day?  

I worry that our LO is bored and not getting the stimulation he needs. We try to go out at least once a day to an activity for a couple of hours and also an hours dog walk too. But sometimes it is not always possible to go out and I'm trying to encourage him to settle and be happy to stay and play at home. He is usually ok for 30min or so and then starts whining and becomes unhappy. He is not that interested in Cbeebies either, which I guess is a good thing? If we go out, he is a different child. Am I doing the wrong thing by not giving him what he wants all the time. Should I just keep going out somewhere to keep him happy?  I just don't feel this would be the right thing to do. I'm very much an older mum and go by my gut instinct most of the time but I am currently starting to doubt myself. I want him to happier, I want to be happier. He doesn't enjoy crafts or playing with people...perhaps something I need to work on...but he is not your average toddler. He's better off playing by himself with something as long as it has wheels and you are right there when he regularly needs you for reassurance. But that's just an age/developmental thing I think. I've tried all the theraplay techniques but he's not interested. My dogs on the other hand have never been happier. Lol. I do a lot of toy rotation and keep a box of emergency instant fixes, ie. the computer mouse, tape measure etc. Our house isn't huge and he's not interested in the garden much and hates the paddling pool so that's not even an option, despite my attempts at tents, tunnels etc. He also doesn't 'do' play-dates at other peoples houses either.

Maybe I have the next Bear Grylls on my hands and I just need to give in and let him be out all the time but this costs money in fuel (we have to drive to most activities) Who knows?

He loves routine and I do keep basic morning, evening, meals and nap times the same. But I do mix things up a bit in the day as I feel too much routine is not the best idea. So sometimes we go out in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, sometimes both. Maybe this is why he is not settling as he in anxious about what we will be doing next but I fear if I do the same things everyday, it will only get worse when we do need to change something if its raining etc. 

He has been with us for 7 months. He is not talking....well not English anyway ;-)....but his comprehension is spot-on.

I would be interested to hear how much time your LO's of a similar age spend at home and what your routines look like.

Ally


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## GERTIE179

Hi Ally,

Your description of your LO sounds very similar to my LO. At the same age he was exactly the same. We kept to routine but did go out every day. We didn't do a lot of activities as such - same toddler group where he would be playing with me or very very close to me as he would get upset if i tried to move away and we did soft play that I could go on most of the apparatus with him so all 121 play. My LO sees mummy as his best play mate as well as being mummy. Cars are a strong toy/obsession here and given his lack of wanting playmates etc I did worry about autism (there were other things too).

Now he's almost 3 and he's really flourished. He can play by himself more, has a fave cartoon if we need it, enjoys friends, but mummy is still his fave playmate. If we have wobbly periods then he can revert back very easily and needs me constantly to play and do stuff with him. He was quite delayed in speech too and again has suddenly taken a big surge forward.

I would try checking your schedule - for us we went out mornings or afternoons but rarely both but always had something on/to do even if it was just a spin to the supermarket for fresh items. It broke up our day but we still had 121 time and I think the coming home really resonates and helps some of our littlies more.

From what you have described, I would say you're doing a fab job. I used to think folk talked about the "early days" of LOs being home as first 2-3 months, but now it's really more like first few years. Yes they can settle quite quickly but your still early in building a relationship and that was always my focus.

Ps my boy hates being indoors and from friends too - all kids like being out but boys especially do. Do you have any parks near you that you can walk to? Even a walk in the woods/forest etc with the dogs is great for there little brains (and bodies too). If he was at nursery like some BC would be, many aim to get kids outdoors every day no matter the weather as they know the kids are not as manic with a but of fresh air.

Just remind him how much he loved outdoors when he's a teenager and you want to fumigate his room as he's wanted to stay in all weekend lol

Hope this reassures you x


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## Ally Wally

Thanks Gertie, that has cheered me up big time. If only he would 'play with me' that would be easier. I hope in time things will get easier. There are some swings close by that we can walk to and I do use those a lot to break up a morning if we are just staying at home. Although I do have the toddler strop to deal with when we have to leave so it all starts again. 

Both my dh and I love the outdoors so I guess it's a good match.


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## GERTIE179

We use the countdown and the "Last" word used a lot. We had to do it for food issues he had when first home so he understands what Last means. He still doesn't like it but he accepts more if I use this method on leaving & having something fun/nice to come home to. 

At 22mths kids don't really play together as such they play alongside so if he's doing something whilst you sit amongst his toys he sees it as you playing together. Do he like chasing type games. My LO loved these even at 15mths and now as he's older he mastered hide and seek and they type of games can be very good (although can get him very hyped so I need to be careful of the "when" we do these or it may spark a meltdown.

What about a sand/water table for outside in this weather or choosing some flowers to plant in the borders? Again he's not likely to help or might get easily distracted but he'll think your doing things together so it meets his need of you if that makes sense.
X


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## Ally Wally

Gosh, they do sound similar. He does love chasing games so may try and do more of those. (maybe this will stop him chasing the dogs) He really doesn't like water at the moment (but strangely loves jumping in rain puddles!) so haven't bothered with the water table but may try get a sand table for him. 

The stroppy tears I can handle....I'm almost pleased to see his is showing some defiance which is good on a developmental front. I just calmly pick him up and don't react at all. I don't even make eye contact. I just carry on as planned. Sometimes distract him with asking him to show me how the clip on his buggy strap works etc. He soon calms down. It's the whining that really drives me doo-lally and has me reaching for the gin ;-)


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## GERTIE179

I hear you - I still hate whinning. But I did notice when he was going through whiny phases he tended to connect more with whichever of us he whined at most (took it in turns to have moments at daddy but mostly aimed at mummy). The more I gave him & had fun & distracted where I could, the less whining we saw.

X x


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## katie c

[tangent] 42 is 'very much an older mum'? speak for yourself


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## keemjay

whats in your garden for him to do..if he likes being outdoors maybe you can tweak your space to help him enjoy it more. are there things to climb on/hang from?  what about a mud kitchen out there..little area with some pots/pans/spns (lots of ideas on internet) where he can make mud pies/mix/stir etc..with sand if mud is too messy for you    could you make a den/camp/wigwam anywhere? he maybe a little too young for imaginary play in a den/camp but might enjoy hiding in it or playing with other toys inside it? what about stepping stones (made of logs) to jump to and from?


if you think he might be anxious around routine you could make a visual timetable to show whats happening next each day?


kj x


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## Ally Wally

Thanks keemjay, some cool ideas there. I put a little tent up often and he has started to crawl into it if I'm in there but only for a minute or two before he starts whining? Hopefully this will improve with time (well I hope so as we are keen campers!) 

The whining drives me crazy and I generally just ignore it and walk away and he soons stops. Distractions don't always work as he's a clever sausage and can see what you're up to. If I'm desperate, a 5-10min session in his cot with his blankie works as a re-charge. 

Somedays I really struggle as I have so many cool ideas for kids and he just doesn't give a noodle about any of them. It can be very disheartening.


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## mummy to little pea

Hi Ally, 

Sounds very similar to our DD, she has been with us for 5 weeks now and beacuse she seemed to get very bored in the house with us we ended up taking her out a fair bit so was only prob at home for about 5 hours a day inc nap time, we have changed that and now if i am in the kitchen i will give her a wet cloth and she will wash the floor or doors and i will aske her to go get things from the front room and find that she will play a bit on her own whether it be for 1 min or 5 mins it is letting her find her own things to do, when out in the garden we will also have all her stuff out there and although she constantly asks for hand we will encourage her to go it alone a bit.

It will get better and we still have a lot to learn with our little one but everyday is a learning day x


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## keemjay

I'm always on about these things but do you think he'd play alongside you in the kitchen in one? it would sort of 'force' him to do stuff with you but in his own space IYSWIM. mine used to do playdoh, draw, do stickers on the counter next to me while i cooked..or they'd 'help with the food prep with a little blunt knife, stir stuff and also taste things

http://www.littlehelper.co.uk/product.php?id=1


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## Ally Wally

I have thought about that keemjay but he has big issues with food so that will come in time. He was over fed in FC as he wasn't settling in between feeds so we had a real struggle on our hands to bring him in line. At 14 months old he was on 700ml of formula a day plus 3 proper meals and a snack. 

I know this is the real route of our problems here as food is a massive comfort for him and we have to be very careful. He is a bit delayed developmentally so getting him to help in the kitchen will come in time. At the moment I am just getting him to appreciate that food takes a little time to prepare and doesn't just come out of a microwave. I am only talking 10 minutes here but he watches noddy or baby einstein in his high chair while waiting/watching me and we are slowly getting there. 

I'm writing this while yet again I have resorted to a 10min cot and blankie session. I have tried to explain that we need to stay home and play this morning and then we'll go out later (we're heading to the park for a picnic) but I don't think he understood. And then he smacked himself in the face accidentally with the hobbie horse and it went down hill from there. Lol. 

Anyhoo, i had better go and check on him.


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## AoC

I'm loving KJ's ideas/  

FWIW, Bug came home at 25 months, and it was months before he'd play by himself or with me for anything more than a few minutes.  I remember my second day at home when I realised we'd gone through my entire list of activities in two days.  Panic!

Playing at something for five minutes was a big positive in our house!

Favourites then were hide and seek, with ourselves or toys, Peppa dvds, walking outside, rides in the buggy, (short!) trips to the shop, going recycling, sticking stickers (mostly on the loo seat while I snatched a shower!)

He was much happier outside, but I soon learned we didn't have to do anything clever or spectacular.  Most days, even in winter, we would ride in the buggy or walk down to the river and throw stones and sticks, which he'd happily do for half an hour or so.  We did a bit of mother and toddler group, but he wouldn't really play WITH anyone, just alongside (which is age appropriate).  Jumping in muddy puddles was a bit hit, as was kneading bread, and watching me draw things with crayons on request.  Igglepiggle, a car, a tree, a doggy....  didn't want to draw himself, just watch.

He's a normal, active, playful three and a half year old, now, with a glowing pre-school report.  

Don't panic about all your cool ideas, you'll get to do them, just a bit later.  I calmed down a bit when I realised we had the rest of his childhood to do all this fun stuff, not just RIGHT NOW.


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## Ally Wally

Thanks aoc....true...I have years ahead to enjoy all my ideas. He is actually ok at entertaining himself as long as I'm nearby so he can bring me things. The main thing is he won't play 'with' me. It's so disheartening and if I am totally honest.....I am bored some times. I just carry on and play by myself hoping he will eventually join in but no luck so far. (many an hour spent playing with mega blocks, doing puzzles, pouring water in a bucket, reading myself stories, drawing, stacking, unstacking, making sand castles etc) All while he just passes his toy lawn mower or buggy over and over the door frame or unpacking a drawer) It becomes really obvious at the toddler group we go to when all the other kids his age engage with me. I have promised myself never to compare but it's hard when I see all my friends kids happily playing. I guess it's just a case of zoning into what he really enjoys and doing more of that to lift every-one's spirits.


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## AoC

Honestly, Bug was the same.  Chin up, hon.


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## NancyS

At 22-months I think most children are still mainly in the exploring rather than playing stage - and are just as interested in the outside world as they are with their toys.  When my adopted son came home at a similar age, he wanted to go outside at every opportunity and you only had to say "shoes" and he would excitedly run to the door.  

However, from about 2.5 this has totally changed - his imaginative play has kicked in and now all he wants to do is play with his toys and it is more of a battle to get him away from his cars, house, duplo etc. and he never wants to leave the house.  

Our routine was very boring at the beginning - and would mostly involve breakfast, followed by walk to the park or to feed the ducks, home for lunch, followed by at least a 2-hour nap and then it was almost time for dinner, followed by bath and bed.  One of the things that I found most useful at the beginning was youtube - we could easily spend an hour watching silly songs and videos.  We must have watched hickory dickory dock hundreds of times and it did help him learm lots of songs and nursery rhymes.


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## Ally Wally

Thanks guys, that is comforting. I guess it's all the HV and SW visits and the developmental tests he has endured in which they have drawn my attention to the fact that he doesn't play which has made it an issue for me. I never noticed it before until they went on about it. I've given myself a talking to that we need to just keep doing stuff he enjoys and the rest will come. 
Surely exploring the contents of the kitchen bin is the technically 'playing' anyway ;-)


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## GERTIE179

Ally, like Nancy it was 2.5yr before my lil boy could really do the imagination etc (were under Paeds so lots if tests too). It's only recently that some of my concerns are being alleviated. I recall how boring it could be at times & all my ideas were poo poo'd.
Now I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread since my ideas are good.
X


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## SWGirl

Does he seem happy when you sing?  I spent months singing nursery rhymes over and over again all day long,  at home, when out and about,  even quietly in the shops and bank.  My son does play with toys quite a bit more now but he'd rather empty out the contents of cupboards,  play with the hose pipe,  be at the park or outdoors,  out for long walks in his pushchair,  on the beach,  saying 'hello' to the neighbours cats,  getting the laundry out of the washing basket and putting it into the washing machine,  putting random items in the fridge or kitchen sink.  His favourite toys are telephones and remote controls (I have removed batteries from the ones I let him play with).  He loves watching diggers on building sites and he loves baths and the sprinkler in the garden.  The toys are useful sometimes but most of the time everything else around him is more interesting.  If you don't sing very much already I would suggest lots of singing.


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## SWGirl

and lots and lots of actions to the nursery rhymes!  It's so lovely when he copies the actions.


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## Ally Wally

Gosh, SW, they sound so similar! Apart from the sprinkler bit. Lol...still working on that ;-) Yes, I do sing a lot. In fact, I think I drive people bonkers in the supermarket queues going through my many made up verses of his favourites. It's amazing what a distraction it can be. I have the ceebeebies music album on my phone too which works a treat in times of trouble. 
I have still managed to maintain my sense of humour. Just yesterday a friend was round to visit.  We laughed and laughed at the scenario that lay before us: one of my dogs was flinging the wiggly worm toy around the garden while the other was playing with the hobby horse. My little one....happily dragging a phone charger around for an hour!


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## SWGirl

The made up verses are the best ones (although I did hear someone changing the row-row-row song to include a line which said 'hit it with your oar' which I wasn't so sure about) Yes,  that sounds about right with the charger.  You've just reminded me of the few weeks or so we had where my son seemed to constantly drag a keyboard around the house.  I gave him an old one as he kept trying to play with the one on the computer desk (the desk that I have formed a makeshift barricade around using other furniture so he can't grab the cables).  I considered cutting the wire off the old keyboard for safety reasons but he liked to drag it with the wire so I thought it best to leave it and only let him have it when I was closely keeping an eye on him.  Oh and the Henry Hoover seemed to be another favourite toy of his for month and months.  He has just started plugging it into the sokets recently though so I think I may need to move Henry Hoover upstairs out of reach.  I can't get him to do jigsaw puzzles (He'll chew the chunky wooden puzzle pieces but not try to do the jigsaws)  but in a funny way plugging a plug into a socket is a puzzle.  I plugged the safety covers over the sockets and he worked out how to take those out and put those back in,  I soon found him walking around with the safety cover in his mouth looking like a dummy (he doesn't like real dummies but puts everything else in his mouth).  Anyone would think we have no proper kids toys.  I going to buy some kiddies instruments soon,  maracas and tambourines etc to see if we can add some percussion to our singing. It's so much easier to be in the park than at home with him.  I have no idea what we'll do once the winter arrives,  lots of swimming maybe (He currently prefers the warm pools though which makes things a little tricky).


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## SWGirl

Mr Tumble "something special" did get him interested in Television though with a bit of a nudge from me as I want him (and me) to learn Makaton sign language so he can communicate better with his two year old cousin. I copy Mr tumbles signing and repeat those words.  He can sign a few words now which he can't speak such as 'bird'.


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## NancyS

We do lots and lots of singing, I think I can make up a ridiculous song about anything these days  

We also had morning discos - for some reason 80s power tunes went down best, with lots of marching around the room with maracas to Eye of the Tiger


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## Ally Wally

Omg SW....what a pity we don't live near each other. They would be great friends. That is exactly like my little one. He is obsessed with the Hoover....I have to lock it away and explain that it's having a nap. And yes....all I ever seem to say ALL day is...'no, not in the mouth sweetheart!' 
I was just thinking today how hard the winter is going to be but now I'm loving the disco idea. Yesterday for the first time, he willingly climbed onto his ride on motorbike. It was only for a second or two but my dh and I were secretively jumping up and down in the kitchen with excitement. Sad...lol!!! 

There is an amazing website called creative with kids and I always resort to that when I need a pick me up. She has some very interesting and poignant articles on there. They always seem to hit home with me.


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## Ally Wally

It is amazing how much effect the singing has. As an example, if we have to wipe his hands/face which he hates and brings the grizzly tears...all I do is resort to "this is the way we wipe our hands, wipe our hands, wipe our hands...lalalalallaalala....on a sunny Sunday morning" Works a treat. Every time. At the moment ;-)


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## SWGirl

Haha,  that's so funny as our song goes.... "wash those dirty hands,  wash those dirty hands with a rub-a-dub-dub-dub,  rub-a-dub-dub-dub, wash those dirty hands.... And wash that dirty face,  wash that dirty face with a rub-a-dub-dub-dub....".  This isn't one I made up, it's from one of the toddler groups we go to.  Yes what a shame we don't live nearer,  sounds like they would make great friends.


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## SWGirl

I will definitely have a look at the creative with kids website.


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## AoC

OMG I've just remembered the weeks where the only thing Bug would 'play' with me on was sitting with me on the rowing machine singing "row, row, row your boat...." with verses including screaming at sharks, shrieking at sea monsters, quaking at crocodiles and peeing on sea snakes!  Movement, singing, making loud noises and repetition - Bug's two-year-old heaven!

As a - eek! - 3yrs and 9months old, he has a violent aversion to the words "come here," which drives me crazy - he just runs in the opposite direction.  I caught him doing something he knows to be bad the other day, and he ran off.  I was calling him back and got frustrated and just snapped out, "get your cute butt back here!" which tickled him so much he came right back and we could have a calm and sensible chat about what he'd do differently next time.    Love it.

I will be complimenting his posterior frequently in the coming weeks....    LOL!


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## Ally Wally

Oh how cute. I love it. 

You are all full of fab ideas I'd thought I'd throw something else in the mix here as it's really upsetting me and leads to a very lonely existence at times. Not even my blog helps as an expressive platform as I can't be too open on there anymore as too many people know that it's me and I'm not comfortable with ex work colleagues knowing how I really feel sometimes. 

The upshot is that when we go to friends houses, toddler groups, soft play etc....he is fine and will enjoy himself for about 15min, then he decides he no longer wants to be there and it goes downhill from there. Today was a prime example at soft play, he whines and cries and climbs all over me, pulling at my clothes, nose, ears etc. it makes no difference if I pick him up or get down to his level and give him lots of cuddles or try and distract him. Not even the singing works. He just gets progressively worse until we leave. If I feed him, the food only works as a comfort for the time he is eating, then he goes back to being unhappy so it's not hunger. 

It's so bad, that I just don't go much anymore and if we do, we are always the last to arrive and first to leave, which doesn't help much when you are supposed to meet up with other moms and be sociable. It sometimes works if I totally ignore this behaviour. He will eventually wander off and play with with something for a little while longer.  But this is very hard to do in public places as people judge you. Ignoring a crying child is not the easiest thing to do in public and it's also very disturbing for everyone. I've even had other mom's picking him up and bringing him to me, saying 'your child is crying' which I found humiliating. 

Anyone got any great ideas? Do I take a computer cable or phone charger with me for him to play with? Doesn't this defeat the point of these outings. He's always been like this and 7 months in, we still haven't got to the bottom of it. I am sure once he starts talking, it will all make a bit more sense but for now, I'm really struggling here.


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## AoC

It's brutal, isn't it?  ((((((hugs))))))

I found playgroups hugely stressful and quite traumatic for a long time, but stuck it out as I could see some improvement.  After a while I just accepted that I wasn't going to get social contact with other mums this way, and that he was going to want to play with constant input from me - not playing WITH me, but wanting help, commentary, approval - for some time.  He did come round, but we kind of had the opposite problem in that it was the first fifteen minutes to half an hour that was hardest, but if we could both stick it out he tended to settle.  Can't tell you how many times we came home early, with me carrying a kicking and screaming and hitting toddler under my arm to the car, then crying all the drive home.  :-/

Part of Bug's problem was that he always wanted to control me, and having me around in an environment with lots of people made that stressful for him.  Interestingly, when he started going to nursery, he could cope with 'busy' play better.  Although he did once utter the immortal line, "it's TIRING being this busy!"  

Somehow we persevered, with much reduced expectations - I accepted that I probably wouldn't socialise, that he didn't have to 'join in', and that parents who wanted to judge me probably weren't worth worrying about.  

And going round to a friend's house was quite anxiety inducing until relatively recently, so always made sure we had the same expectations and that they'd understand if we had to leave quickly.

In the end, I actually got a best friend, a childminder we really trust, Bug's best friend and some good play experiences out of it, but it was hard and sometimes we chose not to go.

I think in your shoes I'd pick the best ones to go to, and yeah, I'd take whatever he's happily playing with.  Or let him know you've got it if he doesn't find anything else he wants to play with?

Try and make it easy on yourself and him as much as possible, and don't worry about other people's expectations.  It gets much, much easier!


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## kizzi79

So difficult! As AoC says if people choose not to understand they probably aren't worth it. But its still really hard. Naturally Im quite an insecure person who worries what other people think, but think since C came home I've got a little harder (or at least where he is concerned). I have only recently started going to full mother and toddler sessions though for similar reasons - it just wasn't worth the stress for either of us - but with persistance and gradually staying longer, for us it has got better and although he is a little nervous at first once settled somewhere he is quite sociable. These early problems are one of the main reasons I have gravitated to other adopters - they "get it", and understand that methods commonly encouraged in popular parenting programs and books simply might not work with our kids individual needs. Big hugs.

Kiz  xx


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## kizzi79

PS  C's big thing at the mo is leaflets (which he then shreads if he gets stressed -esp if doesn't have his dummy to hand)


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## SWGirl

Yes,  I would take his favourite toys out with you whatever they are as long as it's practical (not the Hoover perhaps). I suggest  take a few incase one is temporarily borrowed by another child.  It's a chance for trying to teach about sharing etc.  some kids seem happy to share some are much more possessive.  It could work out well but if you find other kids are trying to take his toys and it is bothering him,  maybe don't take them again for a while.  At the group I go to kids are always trying to try each others drinking cups and we have to keep jumping in to stop them.


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## Ally Wally

Thanks guys. We had the same scenario again today at his regular toddler group. He has a blast for about 15min and I foolishly allow myself to think this is going well. Then he asks for food and I know it's just going to head downhill....I managed to distract him for another 10 minutes and when he was just about to totally lose it, I brought out his favourite tape measure I had in my pocket. (Don't laugh!)  Sadly, he didn't want that. We eventually had to leave. He was happy at home for a bit but was looking tired and weepy so he happily went down for a nap and had lunch when he woke up. This proves it's definitely not hunger. But there were some positives....in those 15min, he willingly climbed inside one of the push cars. Result. 

Thanks Kizzi....it helps as you were there to witness it so know what I mean firsthand.


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## SWGirl

That's the good thing about the toddler groups,  you can just leave when they're tired or grouchy.  One toddler group we go to seem to faff around between songs a bit and take ages to start the next song.  My son just doesn't have the patience for it and starts to get restless or wingy in between each song,  in my head I'm thinking "come on,  come on... Please start the next song". Another one we went to for some time had a terrible lead singer,  making it difficult for everyone to join in and unusually very unstimulating for a kiddies singing group.  It didn't seem to hold his attention at all.  It was in a library so he just kept dashing off up the book aisles,  looking back at me and laughing at me chasing him.  Maybe also try other groups but maybe he was just getting tired


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