# Feeling cheesed off with it all



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hello folks

Am feeling really down about the whole process at the moment and just needed to let it out. We are two thirds through our Home Study and instead of feeling excited that we are getting there I just feel thorughly fed up with how long it is taking. The whole thing seems endless, will we ever reach the end??

We seem to have bent over backwards and turned ourselves inside out to help them get to know us, and yet there is still always something else to be given by us. Smetimes it feels downright insulting to be asked the trivial things we are asked and to go into such minute details of our lives and histories. Its beginning t feel like the IVF did....constant appintments, constantly 'handling' professionals and knowing yur future is in their hands, constantly wondering if it will ever lead to anything.

The whole thing feels so one sided at times as we are giving our all and constantly being asked to sympathise with the difficult emotions of birth families and children (this is understandable), but we feel we ourselves are not allwed to have any painful emotions of our own. I sometimes feel they want adoptive parents to be saintly beings that have no feelings.

We have a really nice SW who has said how much she likes working with us, and is generally very sensible, intelligent and empathetic, and she has said it is all going well. I just wonder if I will ever ever be a parent. She noticed I wasn't myself yesterday but I don't feel I can just explain that the whole thing is peeing me off a bit! How can you convey how much longing you have and how sick of the journey you are to someone who hasn't experienced infertilty.  

She said we look as though we'll be going to panel September/October but I couldn't feel excited I just felt thats anothr whole 3 or even 4 months away...we first applied in May 2007!

REALLY sorry for the rant, I just had to let it out. Don't feel you have to give long replies


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## Misty C (Mar 1, 2006)

Ermey

Just wanted to send you a   - I know your having a difficult time with everything and feeling low, please believe me it will pass.  You and DH will be fabulous parents - it will happen - don't stop believing in this.  I know its hard but try to think of this time as 'getting ready' for your new family.  Think of dream you & DH have -look at where you kids will go to school, check out the play areas and play groups.  Start collecting pictures/brochures of furniture & toys for his/her room.  Of course these are minor things as I am sure when you child/ren arrive and call you mum - NOTHING will ever feel as wonderful. 

Love
Misty C
xxx


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## AJ-Coops (Jun 10, 2006)

Hi,

Just wanted to quickly say hang on in there -the wait is definately worth it    Just keep saying to yourself that they are doing their job and for them the child is their main priority and they need to make sure they know you both inside out to match you with the right child.  As we had weekly visits, the HS went quite quickly, as we were going from one week to the next and completing "homework" in between.  It did feel like we were jumping obstacles etc, but just take a step back and a breather - count to 10   - then go into the next session with fresh views  

Hope that helps - good luck with your journey.

Coops
x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Coops - did you have 12 visits? We have been meeting almst weekly , occasionally fortnightly, and in some ways has flown by but is still seeming to never end! 

Good idea to think of all the intrusiveness as helping the matching process...as opposed to just being under the microscope for the sake of it.

Thanks to all for your replies, am shocked to hear how long sme of you have been waiting just to get to panel..    Seems like my wait is not so big after all!   Maybe we will all go to Panel same time and be able to celebrate together!
Big hugs to you all.

Cmforting to hear from others who understand, but of course I am only sorry that you guys are having a tough time.

Helps to hear that the end goal is worth it...it seems so far off and unreal still. Don't dare get excited as it makes the waiting harder.

Thanks for listening all, sorry for the moan.

E  XX


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi hun

i have to say that yes it can seem very intrusive however when you get matched to your little one/s then you will see why they have asked so much!

Our 2 are so like us including looks and body shape!(their SW didnt see a pic of us until after we were chosen), personality ect!

We did prep last feb, started HS in march/april and panel mid sept! now look at us! less then 5 weeks away from putting in our court papers for our 2!

xxx


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Ermey,

As a community psychiatric nurse I was used to been the 'listening ear', so when we came to our home study the tables really turned so to speak!  We had a lot of visits from our s/w and at first I thought some of the topics she covered were quite intrusive, however I then thought 'right she did ask' and chewed the ear of her 

I actually found it quite therapeutic talking about myself for an hour, especially on the vist when they see you and hubby seperately it was like opening pandoras box and I could see her eyes glaze over on occasion .

I guess if they know what makes you tick and know you inside and out it will help with the matching process, I suppose there is an element of thinking you have to be 'perfect parents' but I suppose they just want was it best for the children who are waiting for their families and want to ensure a secure placement, I'm not saying this part of the process is easy I got quite emotional at times and used to find it hard returning to work after appointments and then having to visit people myself with my CPN hat on, but in a way the appointments did keep my going as I knew that if we were approved there would be a child waiting for us.

Stay positive and take care of yourself

Dawny

xxxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hello there,

Have to agree with a lot of what has already been said there although i can add.

We started our enquiries over 18 months ago and we had to put the whole thing back a few times due to DW ill health.
I have to say that we found it probably one of the most positive things we have done. We have a great relationship with our SW and we talk like old friends which i think is really nice, plus we have been asked if we would link up with other people going through the process to support them, which i think is a great idea.

The process is long and they have to do there jobs, we made it very easy for our SW and got our sleeve's rolled up and got stuck right into our homestudy and it really paid off for us as we ended up going to panel early as both our SW and ourselves had completed all our work.

I totally understand the process now and we went into it with a very open mind, the questions sometimes can seem a bit strange and intrusive but when you sit back and think what they are really asking you it all makes sense, after all some of the children have already been to hell and back and they don't want that to happen again .
I am right behind the system and think they do a fab job, contrary to what the papers say about Social Services.

Good luck with the rest of the process, you will see it will all be worth it in the end!!

Cheese


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## AJ-Coops (Jun 10, 2006)

Hi,

Just to add, yes we did have about 12 visits - we started the hs in dec 07 and finished in april 08.  Like everyone on here, there are lots of positive stories and also stories of frustration.  I think it really depends on the SW and LA.  Like Mr Cheese, we have nothing but praise for our area and sw - they have been a tremendous help and support, especially as half way during the hs, my dh father passed away, but instead of stopping the hs, they monitored us, kept us talking and just assessed the situation on a weekly basis.  It was great not to feel under pressure.  We now feel we have a good relationship with our sw and can ask her anything - which is what I would highly recommend, get to know them to  

Hang on in there and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep smiling   

Coops
xx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi again

thanks for moral support  I think I may have given the impression that I have been hlding back a little in the HS...which is not the case, we both have been extremely giving and open and our SW has said how much she enjoys working with us. I think perhaps becuase I have put my all into it I am running out of oomph and in danger of leaving nothing left to give!  

Luckily we really like our SW, but I wouldn't say we chat like old friends....my old friends tell me stuff about themselves too! What I knw about my SW I can count on one hand - don't get me wrong I think this is perfectly understandable and wouldn't expect her to tell us her life story! ...

Most of the time I understand why they are intrusive it just gets a little tiring thats all. I completely appreciate they have to be thorough, the saftey of the child's future MUST come first above my whinges tee hee.... but did anyone elese find there is lots of repetition and duplication? This last week we write our chronolgies, fill in a questinairre that asks the same stuff thats in our chronlogies, and then are interviewd about the same subjects...much of which is already covered in our family trees, eco-maps, and lifestyle sessions. Is it just they are making sure we are saying consistent things?

I feel much better about it today. I am sorry if I have seemed unnecessarily negative, its not me by nature I can assure you! Its just that feeling of that never-ending journey, all in some-one else's control. We whizzed along the first half of HS and now its going to take 2 mnths to do just 3 sessions...

oh dear I am hopelessly rambling and I am really not sure if anyone will really understand where I am coming from! I *REALLY* am not normally such a moaning minnie!!

Thanks all, sorry for my muddled, incoherent, ramblings.

E xxx

P.S sorry for typos we have a poorly keyboard!
P.P.S Coops, so sorry to hear about your father, can't imagine what you went through xxx


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

I think it does you good to have a moan every now and then & it does help by coming on here, asking for advice, "listening" to what advice you've been given BUT more importantly for you to know that your not alone & we have all felt this way about things some where along the way.

It's a long time since we went through the whole process and i struggle some times to remember things for example I have no idea how many home study visits we had!!   I could tell you that on more than one occasion our SW would say I'll pencil you in for an hour & 2½ hours later she'd be leaving and that was because we'd got a fantastic relationship with her, still keep in contact 11 years down the line!!

Any time you want a moan please feel free to come on here & we'll try to make you better.

Love
Andrea
x 

PS Glad to read your feeling more positive about thing now!


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## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Ermey,
Oh honey - you're not alone   We've all felt like this at one time or another (or a few times!   ) during the process. It is tough, but what everyone on here has said is right - hang on in there, there will be a positive outcome and you will be a mummy and the day that happens all those months of waiting and hoping will disappear. Everyone has given you great advice (as always - this board is just brilliant!  ) but one thing I ask myself when I'm finding it tough is 'would I give my social worker a child?' and the answer is probably no, not without knowing a lot, lot more of her! And don't get me wrong - she's absolutely wonderful and like MJ I really hope she will be a friend for years to come but giving someone a child is such a huge thing, I'd want to know every last detail of thier lives and their abilities... probably sounds a bit daft but it does help me and I've used it as an example when other people have said how long the process seems and the usual stuff about 'but you'd make great parents surely they can see that straight away' (v. nice of our friends but a bit naive!    ) and it seems to help them understand the process...

sorry, I'm waffling now! Hang on in there honey, you will be a mummy - don't ever forget that! You little one(s) are out there waiting to find you. Sneding you big hugs and remember you can always have a rant / moan on here!  

Lots of love
Sarah
xxx


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## rosielee (Jan 27, 2006)

aw you xxxxxxx
keep your chin up hun, please
you will be able to look back it this difficult time one day with pride.
remember why you are both putting yourself through this, its a difficult time, so very hard. especially after infertility, but if anything. you must let that make you strong, it WILL be worth it babe, im sure. and it is because it means so much that it gets difficult, its added pressure and the waiting seems forever because all you want is to be parents. chin up, be strong, keep it in the front of your head why you are doing this and you will get there.
ranting is fine, its why you came on this site, and you know you will get the replies you need to pick you up, im sure we have all done it, know i have lol   
fingers crossed for you both and your future
love and best wishes
rosie x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Thanks girls  

Its done me a power of good to let off steam, and its lovely to get so many kind and understanding replies. I am feeling much better now, and actually quite glad of the breathing space (don'e SW again till early July) although I feel as imaptient to be a mum as ever! 

Still a little cheesed off over some minor frustrations (providing info in triplicate, among others) but they are minor and I keep reminding myself how glad I am to have a SW we like so much.

Rosie your words really summed it up so nicely, thanks sweetie.

Sarah, thank yu for your post it has REALLY helped to try thinking of it the other way round! Your right, I don't think I would be giving someone so much as a guinea pig withut wanting to interrogate them!

Much thanks to all.

E xxx
sorry for typos


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