# Help - I have lost the plot



## karenann (May 22, 2010)

It appears that I have have lost the plot today !! We finally had to give up the dream of having children in January and although I have struggled and have had bad days  I have managed sort of ok I am having some counselling which is hard. But today I feel totally like I have lost it ! Recently I have been to a few events and have been asked 'do you have children' - I've managed to smile and say no without explanation - yesterday I went to a family occasion and felt totally lost unable to join in the conversations about children and babies. A couple were there with their young baby. To everyone else I appeared to be fine smiling and happy - inside I was screaming !! Today I have been inconsolable and have surprised myself at how lost I feel. The simplest problems today have sent me over the edge and crying buckets. I thought I would be stronger by now and feel frustrated with myself. My confidence has gone and I feel like a complete failure. My relationship with my dh has been strained as he doesn't really understand - he is settled in his life with his business and hobbies.  Any advice or directions on how to find the plot again would be gratefully received !!


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## daxcat (Apr 27, 2010)

Karenann - Big, big   . The way you are feeling is perfectly natural, I know it doesn't help or make it any easier but it is normal. Just when you think you're OK, something sets you off and you're right back at square one again. Men don't feel things the same way we do, they get on with things and don't seem too bothered. I'm not in the same situation as you at the moment, but I couldn't bear to see how much pain you're in without trying to offer some comfort. XXX


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## always (Feb 9, 2007)

HI Karenann
I wish there was an answer for you, but want to send you big hugsxxx
We are on our last attempt now, so totally with you on the feelings. We said "this is the last time" before but decided we had to go one one more time and luckily got the frozen as well which is giving us this last opportunity. Dh and I keep trying to have the "whats next" conversations, but i know we have very different feelings about the next step so have never really made the decision. I am dreading that day.
One step at a time is the only way i seem to get through things nowadays
Sending you big hugs and hope it all works out for you xxx


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## dhikki (Sep 5, 2005)

Hi Karenann,

  I am so sorry to hear your down just now, believe me your not on your own. I don't have any advice hun and for that i am sorry. I lost my ice babies a few months back and our dream is well and truly over. It still feels like my heart has been torn out.

Keep posting and talking about how you feel. There are some amazing people on here that help so so much,love to you 

Donna x


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## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Thankyou so much for your kind words of support - it means a lot to know that I am not alone in this struggle. Hopefully today will be a better day - at least I am not reduced to crying buckets at the slightest problem ! It just seems like such an uphill struggle somedays and I wonder if I am strong enough to get through it. Am sending you all big     and thanks for the support xx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hi Karenann

You are not alone - I know too well that silent scream inside! It is so hard to explain how some days you can cope and other days if there is a "trigger" you are inconsolable. I am coming up to AF right now and this weekend I had one of those triggers and tears just kept flowing. It is so hard seeing people with babies, preg women etc...it is just a sharp reminder of what we want so badly. I often feel like a starving woman surrounded by people eating food that is off limits to me!

I am sorry that this is causing probelms relating to Dh though, but I also relate to that. Dh and I had our first argument in ages after this weekend - only he can really understand what you have both been through, yet sometimes our DHs don't communicate with us that they do understand, and they often have other ways of expressing their hurt. They do feel it as much as we do, but they are more able to compartmentalise their lives I think. For my DH he can seperate out work, home life, TTC life etc. For me, it is all rolled into one mass of pain right now!

To be honest I think you were really brave for going to a social function where there were going to be children. I avoid those types of gatherings - it is not easy and it means that we are in danger of being left out of so many things but right now I am in self protection mode. So well done to you - keep going, and allow yourself some wobbles. 

take care

Nbrxxx


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## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Thank you Nbr for you kind words - coincidentally I read your post on Helen's thread this morning and posted a reply ! It is so hard isn't it - I am not sure if I was brave to go to the function r stupid lol - especially since I am also waiting the dreaded arrival of AF. I do sometimes avoid going to gatherings but recently I have had to attend three as there has been no way of avoiding them without causing arguments !!!  - Thankfully today I am feeling slightly stronger - well I can at least sit here and see what I am doing without attempting to test if my keyboard is waterproof under the flood of tears  . I just hate the feeling that I am left out - abnormal in someway not being able to join in when the conversations inevitably turn to children.  I am just so glad to have found this forum as it really helps -  I am sending you a big    thankyou 
karenann xx


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## ANZTorbay (May 3, 2010)

Hi Karenann, I've only just read your post but your words really resonated with me and I felt compelled to answer. I totally understand how you have been feeling and really hope that you are having a better time of it than when you submitted your first post. I also suffer terribly black moods and floods of tears by the same prompts you describe, and as a self protection method I avoid situations where children (esp. friends or family) remind me of a very painful reality. I know that can't be a long term solution as it is already seriously affecting my relationships with most people around me, and that as much as they are sympathetic & understanding, no-one can really understand how utterly devastating it is, and at some time their patience will run out.
I could not tell from your post if you had tried counselling. After 4 IUI and 3 IVF in 6 years (only the final one yielding a pregnancy which I lost at 12 weeks in April this year) I have been thru the mill emotionally and haven't felt strong enough to attempt counselling to date but think that I might give it a go now. I'll let you know if it's of any help. In the meantime I send you loads of hugs and wanted to let you know you are not alone. ANZTorbay xxx


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## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Hi ANZTorbay,  Thank you so much for your reply to my post - I am just so grateful for all the support that I have received from all the lovely ladies on this forum. Its good to know that I am not alone and that others understand the pain.  I am so sorry that you lost your baby in April - you must have been devastated - I am not sure if there are any words that can help with the pain but I am sending you big     I  understand how you feel - especially trying to avoid situations where children are present. I am having counselling at the moment - I am only able to get 6 sessions - it is painful but hopefully in the longer term it will help. I would recommend it when you are ready - it is really hard but I really think it helps. My counsellor has been fantastic. I am just struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother. Due to our age and financial situation IVF was not an option - some days I feel like I didn't do everything I could - that perhaps if I'd just kept trying - the sense of failure is so strong at the moment.  I have also felt so isolated - sadly both of my parents are now dead - my dh' family have been so unsupportive and unsympathetic they have not said one word to me and just make me feel like an outsider -  its so hard to go to family functions and have to pretend that nothing has happened - Lately I feel like I have been crying out for help and support and they just ignore me - its just swept under the carpet. We have had to put up with comments like ' there's more to life than kids ' - easy to say when you have them !!! I get so fed up with being judged - 'why didn't you do something sooner' etc... As if I don't judge myself everyday and wish there was something I could have changed - Not only was I not getting pregnant but on the rare occasions when I did I couldn't carry beyond 8 - 9 weeks.
Sorry to harp on - just need to vent at present ! I am stuck in a black mood that just doesn't want to shift. I can't thank you enough for replying to my post - it really helps to know that I am not alone here - and I am sorry for venting - I am hoping that one day very soon I will find the plot again - I think I must have put it in a safe place !! LOL I actually feel really guilty that I am feeling like this I should be grateful for what I have - its just that right now - I can't see it . 
I am sending you loads of    
love Karenann xx


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## karenann (May 22, 2010)

I am feeling guilty and ashamed today as try as I might I cannot seem to get out of this black hole - I have tried putting on the brave face - tried humour - yet this week has been the worst yet - I feel so guilty for feeling like this - I am so sorry I just don't know what to do I realise that people around me must be completely fed up with me - but I don't think I can live without a child and the guilt that  I gave up. I am trying so desperatley hard to find something else in my life but it all seems meaningless. I am tired and I'm not sure that I can fight anymore the pain is just so overwhelming - I want it to go away I want to find acceptance and peace but I just don't know how...


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## Maebug (Aug 3, 2010)

Hi Karenann,

You shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed and you are not alone in how you feel,  just take one day at a time.  

My DH and I have been TTC for 5 years now, we got PG naturally, 3 years ago, but unfortunately I M/C at 9 weeks.  We had our first round of IVF but that resulted in a BFN.  

We are lucky as our family and friends have been supportive, however they don't really understand how it feels.  So like you I put on a brave face and when people ask "when are you going to have kids" I smile sweetly and say we are happy as we are, when inside I am crying.

I do think our DH's understand however I think they find it hard to express their feelings because they know how much we are hurting.

Keep posting because I find writing down how you feel, helps.

Take care big


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## lots 1 (May 8, 2008)

Karenann,NO You are not losing the plot at all.You are bereaved of having a child the most natural thing in the world.Of course you are going to feel like you do,please don't always put on a brave face it is debilitating.[speaking from bitter experience]Sometimes it can be cathartic to just say"I would have dearly loved children but unfortunately it just wasn't meant to be".This can stop people in there tracks and hopefuly prevent them from asking others who could be in a similar situation.

Allow yourself to be angry,pi$$ed off,self indulgent it is normal.Post on here as much as you wish there are so many of us who understand what you are going through.I do hope the counselling helps you but please don't feel pressure to move on when you mentally can't.You will Know when you are ready to and even then you might find that you still have days where you cannot.

Love to you,Laura  .x


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## windygirl (Oct 3, 2008)

Hi Karenann

I really feel for you and recognise those feelings you describe. 

Don't know what the answer is.  I really respect you for doing the counselling - that takes a lot of courage and hopefully it will help you along your difficult path.

I'm holding on to the hope that there will come a day when it just doesn't feel so crap all the time.

You might not be surrounded by particularly supportive people, but people on here always take time to reach out and never run out of compassion, so you are not on your own.

Take care

Windygirl xx


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Karen     

I am sending you big hugs because even now when we gave up trying a few years back now I still have times like you   

But its important to remember that we are "alllowed" to have them    we are "allowed" to feel sorry for ourselves and the injustice of it all - because we have suffered a major loss in our lives.

One of my biggest problems was that I didnt tell many people when we had tx - which of course makes social events difficult because its a kind of ice breaker question when meeting people for the first time.  So although I didnt make an announcement in the paper - I started to reply like Lots1 says and am honest and say unfortunately it wasnt to  be - it sure does stop people in their tracks and they change the conversation - and then when you meet them again they of course dont mention it (mind you you do get the odd one who know 3000 friends who have all struggled and all got pg you only have to .....   )

I never liked saying it at first as it was like it was real because I was saying it out loud if you know what I mean.

I had a wobble a couple of weeks back - I went to a wedding to my friends daughter which was absolutly wonderful.  The whole day the parents of both the bride and groom were just brimming with love and pride it was wonderful to watch.  But then I get home and I get thinking and I know im never gonna be planning my childs wedding - not even a first birthday    and it got me - like everyones said - when I least expected it.  This went on for the week with the added what will I do with my wedding dress which has been up in the loft for the last 15 years and a whole load of different thoughts which hadnt been bought to the front of my mind in ages    I offloaded to my sisters and I think that helped me so I think you do need to get things out - do you have a close friend who could help.  DH although now is better at talking about it still I think gets a bit flusterd about what to say to me    But you know even if you feel there is no one out there to listen to you - you have us all here and even by writing it down and reading our responses I think you will find that a big help.

The one thing I will say is that the bad days dont go away over night - you are doing the right thing in having councilling and talking to us.  But one day you will find that that "something" took you to another place where you didnt think about this for an hour or two and then over time it will get longer and longer between your thoughts - but as I say this takes time.

As for dh - well as everyone has said they handle their thoughts and emotions different to us.  But why not try and have some us time doing something together - book some cinema tickets or go somewhere you both would like to - where you can come away and discuss the day together and you never know you might even have a laugh about what happened in the film etc.

Stay strong hun and keep posting - because we all understand on here and you are not on this road alone   

Love and hugs 


Debs xxx


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## nbr1968 (Feb 25, 2008)

Hi Karenann

I have just posted on the 10 steps thread, and I have not been on FF for ages other than for checking my messages - I have just felt that I could not find help anywhere and feeling very black - again - so you are not alone sadly - I truly understand your mood, and I too feel guilty because it almost feels as if if it somehow self indulgent! My work is suffering (I am self employed) and I really hate feeling this low.

Like you, I am trying to have some counselling - I know I need it. I cannot seem to get out from under this cloud. 

Debs reading your post about the wedding and the aftermath has made me cry - because I have thought all those things - the loss I feel seems endless - no 1st or any other birthdays, no firts day at school, no dropping of at Uni, no weddings, no this no that!!!! No one at the end to miss me, because I have also lost alot of friends over all this IF. People try and empathise but no one understands.

ANZtorbay - so sorry for your loss   - I sadly can empathise with that grief  I know that somehow we all need to find some peace - a magic "pill" would be nice because i am tired of feeling like this.

Karenann - big hugs to you   - small compensation I know - but it is all I can offer because it seems we are in the same place right now!  

Take care

Nbrxxxxx


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

NBR - just sending you a hug too   

If only one of us had a magic wand   
Im also sending love and hugs to everyone who might need it right now   

Love

Debs xxx


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## karenann (May 22, 2010)

Hi I am sorry not to have replied sooner - I just needed to withdraw for a while

Am sending you all big    and thanks for all the support.

Maebug - I totally understand the pain of M/C I lost 2 - didn't get beyond 8 wks  

Laura - Thanks for the advice about counselling I hadn't really honestly thought about whether I was ready to move on until I read your post - I think I just feel that DH and others keep telling me that I need to move on - I know that I do its just that I don't actually feel ready in my heart - if that makes sense.   

Windybug - It is comforting to know that I am not on my own and that all you lovely ladies are here to support me  

Debs - Your post about the wedding really hit home with me - I am sorry you had a wobble and hope you are feeling better I have also attended a few events recently which have brought up the same thoughts as you described.
Thanks for the advice re spending time with DH - I have been trying to do this but it is really hard as he is self employed and the business always seems to take priority - but I am persevering. 
I wish someone had a magic wand !!  

Nbr - Thankyou for your post - I am so sorry that you are also feeling low    it really does seem that we are stuck in the same place at the moment. It is just so hard to get out of it and I just feel so incredibly guilty about the way I feel - It feels as if everyone is just so fed up with me. You are right people just don't seem to understand. I am just so grateful for this forum - where there is understanding of the pain. It just feels so overwhelming at the moment. Likeyou my work is really suffering - I work for my husband and I am just not managing to do very much at present. Everything seems so meaningless - I have managed to join a group and sign up for a course but I feel like I am auto pilot like the person attending is not really me - inside I am just an empty shell. I don't want to feel like this and wish I knew how to take the pain away - for all of us who feel this way.  
My only suggestion right now Nbr is to keep posting while I don't have the answer to our pain I can listen and offer support so please post or PM me if youwant to chat  

Thanks all for the support and understanding 
Love Karenann xxx


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