# When to give up?



## Tina K (Aug 20, 2003)

Hi


I think i know the answer to this - only i can decide! but it would be good to get thoughts.


It took us 11 IVFs to get my daughter - we had 2 previous pregnancies (on our first and fourth ICSI) both ended in missed miscarriages at 9 week scan. We had mostly negatives! We turned to both donor eggs and donor sperm and even then it took us 3 goes to be successful with our daughter (which was our 11th treatment in total). I know i am very lucky to have my daughter and she makes me laugh every day.


But i really didn't want her to be an only child - for both me and her (I really want to go through the whole thing again and i really want her to have a sibling).


BUT - we have had 2 FET which were both negative and a fresh cycle when i got pregnant with twins but miscarried (again) at 6w4ds. I am totally devastated.


I feel like we just have the worst possible luck with this IVF business - on two occasions having missed miscarriages after seeing a lovely heartbeat (apparently once you see the heartbeat you have a 95% chance of having a healthy pregnancy - not in our case, twice!)
Also with our latest miscarriage i had heavy bleeding with clots - very common with twins and a 50:50 chance it will be OK - but again, we were on the wrong side of the statistics.
Plus the 10 negative cycles of course.....


I am fed up of always being on the losing side (apart from one extremely miraculous daughter).


I am definitely going through the anger stage of grieving for my latest miscarriage - as you can probably tell from this!


I just don't know what to do. I don't know whether to try again - does the fear of a negative or another miscarriage outweigh the desire for another child? And lessen the guilt of Izzy being an only child.


In addition, i really have to try hard to give this a go at all - 3 months of downregging plus a full anti inflammatory diet (no meat, wheat, alcohol etc) - so its not like i can just ignore the fact i am having treatment and keep trying - each time i have to take at least 3 months to prepare and totally change my diet etc. Plus all the immune testing, travelling to Kiev for treatment (and therefore being away from my family), etc, etc.......


Maybe its just too early to decide whether i want to go for more treatment.


Sorry i know this is a rambling post, but i feel the need to write this to try and understand my thoughts.


Any feedback would be great


Thanks for listening!


Tina


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## B3ar (Jul 6, 2005)

Hi Tina


Just wanted to send you a massive   . I know exactly how you are feeling because I felt the same.  I had decided completely that this last tx would be the last one regardless of the outcome because i felt like i was going crazy and had had enough physically and emotionally. I never thought I would reach that decision and obviously I can't say for definite that if it hadn't have worked I wouldn't ever have tried again but at the time I was adamant when I never had been before.


Don't feel guilty for your daughter for not having a sibling she won't know any different. I am sure if you speak to anyone who is an only child they will tell you that they never felt like they missed out on anything and in fact some of them would probably say they felt that it was a positive advantage. 


My final tx did work but I have now been in hospital for 3 weeks and potentially will be here for another 8. I have never spent more than 3 nights away from my DD since she was born so my time here has been unbearable, even more so today because it's her first day of school and I have missed it.    That said if I knew this would happen before I started I still would have done it because this baby is fulfilling my dream but I don't know if my daughter would agree   


The age thing doesn't help either because you feel like you want to take time out to really think about what to do and whether you want to proceed but daren't because you are conscious that every month potentially decreases your chances of success. 


I hope you can reach a decision you are happy with and that once you make it you can ease your mind and be happy with your life. 


Good luck with what ever you decide   


xx


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## Tillypops (Nov 7, 2005)

Can I chip in?  

I am an only child.  My DH is an only child.  To all intents and purposes our DD will be an only child.  Neither me nor DH feel that it was a disadvantage to us not to have siblings.  Like B3ar says, what you don't have, you don't miss.  There are advantages to being an only child (just as there are advantages to having siblings) - I think you learn to be much more self-sufficient and able to make friends easily.  You don't have to be a spoilt brat either, I was always taught that things needed to be earned and not given to you on a plate.

It's such a tough decision hun, and you must do what is right for you - hope I haven't butted in and put my foot in it.

Take care.

Tilly
xxxxx


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## Tina K (Aug 20, 2003)

Hi


Thank you so much B3ar and Tillypops for your thoughts, comments and support - it means an awful lot!


We dont really know where we will go from here - I think the grief of the miscarriage is outweighing any rational thoughts or ideas about more treatment/adoption or living happily as a family of 3.


B3ar my thoughts are with you - i am so sorry you are stuck in hospital and send my thoughts and best wishes for you and your little one. I know how hard it must be to leave your daughter   


Tilly - thanks for your reassurance on the only child thing - i dont have a good relationship with my sibling so know that it isnt always best to have one! I think, selfishly, i really wanted more than one and wanted to go through the whole thing again - so i need to deal with these feelings.


Thank you again


Tinaxx


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## Nicki M (Jun 25, 2007)

Hope you dont mind my butting in too on this....i just had a BFN today from our attempt for a sibling for our little girl....am feeling really fragile, but my reasoning was the same as Tina K's....the desire for a sibling for her.  I come from a family where everyone has 2 children and of course all our friends have more than one so you see it as "normal".  I have to admit, it would be so much easier for us to have only one, but i am so unbelievably afraid of her being alone when we are gone (i am 40 and she is only 2) - and that is my reason for needing another child...dont know if that is right, but that's how i feel.

Thank you Tilly for your words - my husband is an only child as is a friend of mine....but no matter how much they tell me they dont feel they have missed out, i just cant accept it.....i wish wish wish i could.....any more words of reassurance would be really welcomed at this point as i feel quite swamped by it all.

x


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## Tillypops (Nov 7, 2005)

Hun, you've just had a BFN so will be all over the place anyway, so here are some    

You have to believe us only children when we say, we really were OK.  We didn't miss not having siblings, we didn't know any different, and your DD will be the same if that is the way things work out.  Just because everyone else has 2 children, it doesn't mean that you have to have 2 children too - you wouldn't paint your house lime green, just because it seemed like everyone else had.  You wouldn't shoplift because everyone else does!!

You know, I'm the same age as you and my DD is 3 in November!  I reckon I've got at least another 40 years in me and so have you, so that make our DD's 42/43, plenty old enough to have families of their own and not be left alone.  My Mum died in March last year, and I miss her terribly, but I'm not on my own.  I still have my Dad, my DH, other family members and friends.  You can't think like that hun, it will drive you bonkers!!

Just take some time to get over this BFN and then move forward in whichever way feels right for you - whether more tx or not.  But please believe me when I say that only children aren't lonely and we do grow up to be "normal" (whatever that is) people!!

More      

Tilly
xxxxxxxxxx


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## Nicki M (Jun 25, 2007)

Thank you Tilly....


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