# Meeting Birth Parents - How did you find it?



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Just looking for experiences in this regard from those who have done it. The BPs didn't bother to show when we went last time during contact with our daughter, and now SS are trying to arrange another meeting as we are having our son placed very soon.

How did you find it? What sort of things are you supposed to ask / talk about? We're not particularly comfortable with it but we are doing it for our children (if BPs turn up this time) so that we can say we met the BPs. 

Thanks x


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

We met bm and her dad. We were beyond anxious it was both positive and negative.  It enabled us to see how bm had ended up in the situation she was in her dad was so unsupportive and took every opportunity to be little her. We actually said to sw at the end of it we wanted to take her home with us and help her sort things out was  
The negative was bm has so got bubba eyes and I found that quite hard cause up until that point she actually loomed like us and had dh eyes and for a long while after I couldn't look at bubba with out seeing bm. I don't now.

Questions um from memory we asked why she named her bubba, what did she like doing as a child. Bm asked us what she was doing was she talking walking etc. It then actually turned into an easy chat about a little girl who we all loved. We had a photo taken with her and gave bm a hand print which we had framed for her.
The following week we found out she was contesting adoption order and that really felt like a kick in the stomach but can understand with the passing of time why she did it.

Hope that helps. I do think I find it easier talking about her to bubba having met her.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you aaa - that does help. Geographically we're not that far apart so meeting them does make me a bit uncomfortable, and we know from ******** that they have links to our area and may well visit from time to time. It's highly unlikely they'd be anywhere near our little village but if we were to be in the closest town shopping, it could happen. We know what they look like from ******** so have already accepted when pixie gets her looks from, but sometimes when I look at her I can see birth parents and that's tough, although when I told a new friend recently that she is adopted she laughed because she said she'd always thought how much pixie looks like me.

DH is so reluctant to meet them and I know why, having 'researched' them thoroughly on ******** and received more of the history I too am pretty reluctant....it would have been easier to have done it at the start of pixie's contact than months on when things are so settled.


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## SummerTilly (Aug 14, 2013)

Thank you for this topic - nothing to note from my own experiences yet, but this is something I will follow with interest and contribute to when I am able. 

SummerTilly x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I've tried to meet with bm twice now but sadly she didn't show up.  I don't think she'll meet with us now unless she gets pregnant again or splits from current partner.  Both my children have a strong resemblance to her in looks.  Given how alike they are and that they have different biological fathers I imagine they also get something of their cheeky smiles, and identical sulks from her too.  They get their colouring from their respective biological fathers, but that aside they are incredibly alike even for siblings.  They don't look much like either of us, although more like hubby than me.  That hasn't ever bothered me.  I'd would really like theoopportunity to meet her.  Hope it goes well.  She's not much more than a child herself really, and I do have some sympathy for her, although I don't think that excuses how she failed my children and there's also some anger there at times.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

We haven't met little mans birth family and we def won't have the option too but we have photos of them in his life story book. It was so strange seeing them both. I think in my mind I had demonised them but when I saw his mum it broke my heart. She ws nothing but a girl herself, and looking at her photo when she had just given birth to our son it could have been any one of my friends lying in the hospital bed. It was a scene i have seen so many times before - yet with a happier ending for the birth mother. His dad was another thing completely, nothing prepared me for that!!! I didn't demonise enough! Our little man looks nothing like either of them and I can't help but wonder where he gets his looks from because he and his sister are so uncannily alike. 


It's funny mummy elf isn't it, my friends and family say I couldn't have given birth to a baby that looked more like me and dh's family think he's the spit of him. It's funny what people see xxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

It's true - birth parents, mums particularly, often have the most tragic of tales and I very much bear that in mind because pixie's birth parents do have a terribly sad story...but having said that, the way they failed pixie's siblings and would have failed her given the opportunity is pretty inexcusable. As always with birth parents (I worked in care for years) they think they are the victims, not the children who suffered at their hands.

Flash, as someone close wisely commented 'people see what they want to see'...quite a few people see DH in our LO but others see me. When I think about playgroups we attend etc, none of the kids particularly resemble their parents. If I didn't know who belonged to who I reckon I'd pair them up all wrong! Our area do a Christmas adoption party every year and we went a couple of years ago with my sister who has adopted herself - it was surreal! All the kids look like their parents! Yet they were all adopted! Most bizarre! There was even one little girl who was wiry thin with frizzy ginger hair and a distinct way about her, how she moved etc....well, her adoptive mum looked exactly the same. And I mean exactly!  DH and I couldn't get over how amazing the matches were, it was wonderful to see. My SW told me recently of a child placed who has physically altered to look like her adoptive mum in the few weeks she has been there. I think nurture plays a big, big role.


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

ME we aren't that far either in reality and we live very close to a large zoo which is also on door step to birth family. I am always alert but bubba in no way other than eyes resembles the chunky monkey that came home almost 2years ago or the last photos bm had.  bm found meeting us emotionally very hard so I doubt she would recognise us. Hubby also has same colouring as bubba and as far as mannerisms go she is a mini me she even has my beautiful singing voice (sorry bubba)  
I would do it again as hard as it was I think it is something very positive for everyone and I am sure bubba will be pleased in the future.


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## Stalyvegas (Oct 14, 2007)

MummyElf said:


> My SW told me recently of a child placed who has physically altered to look like her adoptive mum in the few weeks she has been there. I think nurture plays a big, big role.


My adopted sister in law (I think...?) is around 11 now - my FIL and his 2nd wife adopted her as a baby - and she looks more like my mother in law than her own biological son. If I had a photo I would post it as its unbelievable. They come from different countries - the child from Georgia and the mother is Israeli, but I absolutely believe that nurture must have played apart. She was just a 6wk old baby when they picked her up so they had no way of selecting a child that would match them (plus my FIL is a pasty fella from Yorkshire  )


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Stalyvegas said:


> MummyElf said:
> 
> 
> > My SW told me recently of a child placed who has physically altered to look like her adoptive mum in the few weeks she has been there. I think nurture plays a big, big role.
> ...


I'm a big believer in someone watching over these LOs and putting them with the right parents


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I think it can be like an arranged marriage - the SWs see photos of all the adults involved and think "they'll fit together" and without thinking about it, they base that partly on how the adults look.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Was speaking just today at our IV about meeting BP and BF so this thread has been quite interesting. I've already said I would be keen to meet any BF that were willing as I feel (as an adopted child myself) it might help me answer any questions our future LO/LOS have one day and at least we can hopefully help them that way. I did say however if they lived too closely (we are going with VA as opposed to LA) that I may need to reconsider due to safety/traceability.


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

We have a provisional meeting set up and we've been asked to come up with questions, these are the ones we've thought of so far, does anyone else have any they can add?


Why did you choose the name?
Is there anything that you want us to tell LO when they're older?
What can you tell us about BF and family history
I'm not sure I can think of any others


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

What do they/ did they love at little ones age... 
What are their hobbies passions now


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

summer girl said:


> We have a provisional meeting set up and we've been asked to come up with questions, these are the ones we've thought of so far, does anyone else have any they can add?
> 
> 
> Why did you choose the name?
> ...


I'd emphasise medical on the family history. I know it should all be filed somewhere but I heard a few horror stories in prep from adoptive parents about medical family history that wasn't known by any SW at that point - really important stuff came flooding out!

What did BM & BF like to do at LO's age?
Any hobbies/keen interests growing up?
Any concerns about LO/anything you think we should know?

It's quite difficult to come up with a list. Was there anything in the CPR that didn't quite make sense that they could clarify/elaborate on?


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

Hi both, thanks for your suggestions. Our LO is less than a year old without any health concerns as it's an unusual situation that has led to LO being placed for adoption. I like the finding out what they're interested in, there is a little in the CPR but we can ask directly and see if we get anything else.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

I would ask if they could say one sentence to a 16-18 yo version of little one about their origins what it would be......


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

It's interesting reading this thread as it is looking like we will have a meeting with birth mother (father is currently refusing) around February time. However we will need to be careful of how we word our questions as sadly she doesn't have the capacity to be able to process too much at once, or understand anything too complex. Another consideration when thinking up questions


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Turns out we didn't meet the BPs for our son after all - they didn't turn up on the arranged meeting for our daughter, and called in 'sick' for the arranged meeting for our son so it seems that is that, they really don't want to meet us and given the geographical distance we tend to think it best.


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## summer girl (Nov 27, 2009)

Ah MummyElf that's a shame for your son. At least you can say that you tried 😄

Xlolly hope your meeting goes well.


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