# a sort of prayer



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

At the risk
of sounding like i am writing to santa claus
'I've been good'. 
truly i have tried. 
So please god, please
let me have a baby.
I thought we were getting one but it hasn't made it
I don't want to blame anyone, but, i do wonder.
I sat in the churchyard before i was pregnant and prayed i would be
I sat in the churchyard after i was pregnant, and said 'thank you'
I really thought, that this was going to be my time
But you wanted to test my faith a bit more it seems
if there's something else i need to do, please give me a sign
Because i still have faith, but i don't know if faith is enough.
So please tell me if you need more
Or if i must be punished, at least tell me what for.


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

my heart breaks for you, Goldbunny.  I just wish there was some explaination, some insight into the big plan, so to speak.  

Wish I had some words of comfort, some way to help you through all this.  

Sending you lots of love and hugs. 

Sue


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## Rose39 (Dec 9, 2007)

Oh hun, I couldn't read and run - I'm so sorry for your loss, sending big hugs.

I do understand how you're feeling - when things seem to keep going wrong and you're just told that it's bad luck, you can begin to feel that you're being punished for something that you don't know you did, and that your faith is being tested beyond what you thought possible. If you look at my profile, you'll see that it took me 10 rounds of treatment over 4 years, including a missed miscarriage and some awful setbacks which were very rare (e.g. sperm donor being identified as a carrier of a fatal genetic disease) before I got my bfp and this followed an awful relationship breakup from the guy I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I began to think that things were never going to change, that I must have done something wrong to be punished in this way, and it was very hard.

Please be gentle on yourself hun, you've had an awful shock, you're grieving for the baby you've lost and for the life you thought you'd have with this little one, your hormones will be all over the place as you wait for the ERPC, and on top of this it's Christmas, which is particularly hard when you're struggling with infertility issues and the telly is full of adverts of happy families. 

Hang on in there hun - I know things are awful right now, but just try to get through one day at a time, one hour at a time - you will always remember the baby that you've lost and you will always be his/her mummy. They say that time is a healer - 3 years on from my miscarriage I am still very sad that I lost the only baby that was genetically mine, but the sadness is much easier to live with. I found the Miscarriage Association's website very helpful in the first few days and weeks after my loss, and also found that doing some concrete things to remember my baby (e.g. I bought a bootee charm for my bracelet that I wear every day), helped me cope. 

I'm now in a better place, and look back over the past 5 years and realise that I've come through a lot, but I've come through it, which is the important thing, and you will too. My life now is not at all how I imagined it to be (I'd hoped to be married with 2 children by the time I was 30, and here I am in my forties, a single mum of a baby via double donation), but things have got better, and I can see that nobody gets the perfect life, even if it might look like this to outsiders (I remember opening up to a boss at work about taking holiday days for tx and about my miscarriage and he shared with me that they had suffered several miscarriages before they had their 2 children and how hard it had been). 

Do you have friends and family nearby for support? Do you have a local vicar that you can talk to? Please don't feel that you have to go through this alone - and the ladies on FF are here to help and support too. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad time     .

Rose xx


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## nikki76 (Feb 1, 2011)

So sorry


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