# it's just not funny anymore



## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

and that's why i've been laying low for a while. 

the second failed ivf has changed everything. i seem to have entered a new phase of my infertility and it's the phase which is utter sh*t, quite frankly.

it's the phase where i qualify for the description 'desperate'.

previously the 'desperate' label was just a word which i could easily understand. ah yeh, that woman there - desperate for a child. desperate. i totally understood it but i didn't feel it. it didn't apply to me.

now it does. and i feel it. it drags itself heavily around my empty womb. 

desperation. it's buying pregnancy tests three weeks after heavy bleeding and a failed treatment. it's holding the negative tests to every source of light for some sign of life and even hours later, pulling it apart and using a magnifying glass on the thin evaporation line. it's picking up a blue biro and wanting to draw the line myself just to help it along. to help me along. it's seriously considering whether perhaps, somehow, maybe even just one embryo went to sleep for a week or two before waking up and becoming a miracle. that pain in my breast? maybe it's the miracle. it's my chin wobbling when i realise outloud that i'm desperate and infertile and tell myself to stop this. it's when i realise with terrific impact that without treatment i won't ever get pregnant. that embryos die not go to sleep. that i can't ever wonder if my period will be late. i can't look for symptoms. i can't buy pregnancy tests. yet i do and when i do i have to hide them like the shameful secrets they are. that after hours of soul destroying scrutiny the evap lines finally begin to look real enough for me to admit them to my husband. then it's the look on his face. it's the sadness. the pity. i can see it and he can see that i've become 'that woman there - desperate for a child'. it's him squinting at the test and trying but struggling to see the line i've been almost seeing for hours. it's me trying to hold it closer to the light so he can almost see it too. it's the utter shame as he moves to hug me. 

it's looking at the cats and telling them i love them. that they're my babies. my two gorgeous boys. my lovely girl. and meaning it. it's realising we're broke and that we're up to our eyes in debt and it's watching my husband verge on a silent nervous breakdown because he's already working his ar** off, worrying about money, and is now finding himself making promises that he doesn't see how he can keep. 'we'll do it, baby, don't worry. we'll get the money from somewhere.' it's watching him fill with angry tears. it's feeling trapped. it's guilt. it's blame. it's fighting. it's trying to explain this abstract feeling which is overwhelming. irrational. this need. this pull. it's sobbing. losing control. shouting. shaking. hyperventilating. panicking because i can feel the drag in my belly that pulls everytime i remember the truth. 

and it's going to a primary school today and chatting to 5 year olds while thoughts of adoption appear in my head. it's my eyes filling up while i talk to a little boy wearing a filthy school shirt and ill-fitting trousers. he looks underfed and i want to take him home. it's the utter injustice. 

it's not coping with a cycle buddy expecting twins.

it's not coping with the sight of a colleagues pregnant belly.

it's not coping.

and it's desperate.

and it's just not funny anymore.

sorry. 

rosie xx


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## goldielocks (Oct 7, 2006)

Oh Rosie…  

I just wanted to reach out to you and give you a virtual hug 
I can feel your pain and grief as if it were mine you describe it so vividly 
There’s no point saying I understand or know exactly what you’re going through  - I think a lot of people on this site do understand though – all our “journeys” are different and painful in their own way 
I wish I could say something that would help – I think we start to be defined by infertility and also society defines us in quite a powerful way – it’s hard to fight against this but whatever happens for you ultimately you will find a way to retrieve the parts of yourself that have got a bit lost in all of this.  I resent so much the way infertility crept into every area of my life and intruded upon it and still does really. It’s like you tune into it and can’t tune out and sometimes it’s just too loud and overwhelming – I suspect this is how it is for you at the moment – too much resonating with everything. You need it to quieten down again  
It’s a terrible time straight after a negative result…however much you try not to hope you do otherwise you wouldn’t put yourself through it…the grief is immense when that hope is squashed and I think all experience it but perhaps some people put it on hold by thinking immediately about the next step – that’s how an obsessional cycle of events can arise…but  we need to grieve though – it’s important and necessary – perhaps some of your feelings are just natural grief at present – you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel them painful as they are 
I felt so low after mine ( BFN ), I never thought I could feel such distress, gut wrenching and visceral 
So bad I didn’t know if I could put myself in a position to feel that way again baby or no baby 
After a time I went to talk to the clinic counsellor for a few sessions – she didn’t make me be pregnant but it did help and I felt it took the pressure of my dh a little – perhaps you might think about this if it’s available
Take time, take just one day at a time 

Thinking of you
XX Goldielocks


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Rosie you have just more or less put into words my feelings after my second ivf failed i'm sat here   my eyes out and i just want to give you a big hug the only differnece is i was emotionally spent not financially (as we had nhs tx)

i have to say stopping tx and adopting was the best thing for us and i'm sooooo pleased i did it. i do still feel sadness that i probably will never experience being pg but i'm not that blubbing wreck who can't leave the house for fear of seeing pg women and babies everywhere. in fact i feel almost the like the person i was before starting to ttc. don't get me wrong i have my battle scars that i picked up along the way but then don't we all ?

another thing is since i stopped tx and decided to adopt i haven't felt the need to pee on a stick even when af is 3 weeks late !!!

try to take some time out from ttc (impossible i know) but have a really good think about things and ask yourselves a few questions like :-

Does it matter if my child/children are not biologically mine ?

am i desperate to have a baby or become a mummy ? 

Could i love someone elses child ?

Can i mentally, physically or finacially go through more tx without any guarentees ?

sorry i'm not meaning to push adoption onto you i'm just sharing with you the feelings and the questions i asked myself (as you mentioned adoption) most adoption agencies like you to have had your last tx at least a year before they will even consider anyway so it's not something you can rush into, but if you are struggling making a decision what to do next feel free to join us all on the adoption thread  

good luck hun, i hope your dreams come true  

pam xx

p.s if you have any questions just yell


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## strawbs (May 16, 2005)

Hi rosie
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, that any of us have to ever feel this way.  I could have written your post.  Yesterday I went to see the clinic counsellor and felt better, I am going to be seeing her again in 2weeks.  She is going to help me look at the here and now and not constantly yearning for the future (my future which has always been filled with children), as this is something I have no control over.
I have to learn to appreciate each day for what that day brings (this I find impossible) as all I see is great big empty house and an empty life and a sad shell of a partner who I feel so sorry for that I cant give him a child, I can see him constantly trying to be strong when inside he is devastated too.  I look in the mirror and see a fat, spotty, bitter, jealous, lonely and twisted person.  I am hating what I am becoming

What I am trying to say is you are definately not alone.  

Could you see a counsellor to give you some strategies to get you through this black time.

I am so sorry
strawbs xx


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## Fidget (Jan 27, 2005)

Rosie

OMG hun, you described me to a T have you been inside my head and my bathroom?!?!?!

    

Debs
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Nic Nac (Jun 8, 2007)

The loss we all feel is unbearable and we are at least fortunate enough to have FF as we all understand the pain and loss felt 
AF arrived for me yesterday in a big way. 12dpt. Feel so lost. Hospital still want me to test on Sunday even though it is negative. This has really annoyed me. Feel so angry and not being pregnant, we truly believed it had worked. All that pain for nothing. I feel angry with the world and suppose to some degree resent DH even though i know its not his fault. That wont last but i feel guilty for apportioning blame. We can only afford 1 more treatment and already feel scared and unable to cope with the loss and uncertainty. Will arrange review appt and go from there.
God bless you all and give you strength to deal with your loss and find true happiness xx


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## Mother Hen (May 22, 2007)

Rosie

I have been through some of what you are feeling, albeit your journey has been longer than mine at this stage. Stick around on this site, hun, as I know you'll get (& have already got) some excellent advice and also empathy from people who really know what you are going through.

Your DH loves you, and you are both on a very, very difficult journey. I sincerely hope that you can find a way to take one small step at a time, together, towards a better future and find people and strategies to help you cope along the way.

Lots of love hun

Mother Hen
xxx


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## Nix76 (Aug 2, 2006)

Rosie,

    

I wish there was something I could say or something I could do darling 

Nix.


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## flowerpot (Jan 20, 2005)

Rosie 
I don't know what to say. I got a BFN yesterday.
IF sucks xxx


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## cinders35 (Feb 23, 2007)

Hey Rosie,
No words.... 

Love Cindersxxx


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## MAL. (Mar 19, 2007)

Your post made me   .  It's like you have read my mind and put it in better words than I could ever of done.   Thinking of you xxxxx


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## ♥ Sarah ♥ (Jan 5, 2005)

Rosie,

Your post is so heart wrenching     ~ feel exactly the same as you do hun  .

Not sure what else to say than look after each other and take care.

Sarah x


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

rosie

So sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time, I really think the second cycle is so hard and crushing.  

I think on my first cycle I didn't really know what to expect and I got pregnant, so I thought it was quite easy+didn't even really know what people were going on about it being hard emotionally!!! ....but then had to cope with the loss, and all that went with it.  I felt so positive for my following cycle and thought I would get pregnant, but was devastated when it all went to pot and never even got to ET.  I had to take 3 months off the TTC journey or I would have been a total wreck by now.

IVF is so unfair and unjust, and you are so right there are parents out there who just do not deserve to have children, but our day will come.. we all have to remain strong and positive.

 to you and your DH 
L xx


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## ♥sparklequeen♥ (Feb 6, 2007)

*Oh Rosie ((((((((((((Rosie))))))))))))

I am so sorry you feel this way. It is so so so so hard, you're right. You have explained it very well. I echo all of those feelings hun, I really do.

We'll help you through it if we can - im always here if ever you need a friend.

Thinking of you

Lots of love

Sparkles x*


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## bodia (Apr 27, 2005)

Hi Everyone,

 This thread has made me   also. 

Rosie, I am sending you the biggest possible  

I have been thinking about you loads and am always here if you need a friend. In the past when I have felt like you are feeling now you have written words to comfort me and told me things somehow, someday, will be OK. Everyone on here has their own story, but we can all understand at least some of  what you are feeling.

I have had to teach a pg 15 year old girl last year. That was hell. I also work with lots of unsuitable parents, so I completley get that sense of injustice....life is so unfair.

Things will get better. I don't know when or how, but we will all one day be out of this current living nightmare. 

Until then, we are all here for you.

Loads of love and friendship,

xxx


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## Wendy K (Sep 26, 2005)

Hi Rosie, 

I also could have written your post, it made me cry 

I also feel I have lost myself through all this. It takes over your life and has made me so much more introverted, as my life has become taken over in my efforts to have a baby, I even worry about going out to meet friends who don't know about our situation, as when they ask what have you been doing with yourself?
I don't know what to say 
I could say "me, oh I have been having a REALLY good time, blood tests, invasive procedures, painful injections, horrid drugs, sleepless nights, full of fragile hope and then desperation, then I start to bleed heavily and feel so desperately empty and a failure that I want to cry every time I see a pregnant woman caress her bump, shout at an irresponsible mother being mean or feeding her child crap, or my favourite a pregnant woman smoking, and to top it all off this is costing us a fortune, so when we could really do with using our money on other things we don't and are constantly juggling and struggling to keep up with everything"

It makes me feel like I am bitter and twisted, but I know deep down I am not, i'm just very sad 

I have sacrificed so much of myself I am unsure whether I can ever get the "old me" back, before all this my life wasn't exactly a bowl of cherries, my mum hates the situation, one daughter who has everything she wanted with no struggle, and another who my mum admits I have had to struggle and break my heart for everything I tried to achieve, with no rhyme or reason, don't get me wrong I am very happy for my sister, it's just I do sometimes find it hard to see her not have to worry about money and with her two beautiful baby boys (she didn't really want children initially, I always did) but at 30 she changed her mind and she now has 2 and I as it turns out I was trying at the same time but have none to show for 5 years of trying and lots of money spent on everything from reflexology, very expensive vits, and other alternative treatments.

My mum just wants to have two happy and fulfilled daughters 

I try not to be this meloncholy usually, your post just really touched me 

I too also have 3 beautiful cats 2 boys and a girl (who I just bought a lovely new pink and purple collar for ), they are our babies 

I am also very seriously thinking about adoption, but am unsure how to find out and check which agencies would be my best port of call and how to decide on one to go with, it's all such a mind field,  where do I start 

I truly hope all you lovely girls find happiness and "yourselves" as even I realise the "old me" is still in here somewhere, she is just a bit bruised and battered and needs time to gain some confidence, and who know maybe one day I will get my groove back   

Love and babdust 

Wendy K


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## pobby (Jun 2, 2005)

I wish i had some words for you Rosie..your post really brought tears to my eyes    especially difficult to know how upbeat you always seem to be and how this whole thing is affecting you. It can rip at your soul it really can.
It wont beat you hun and the things you do and say and think are things we have all done. (i did have to smile though when you said about drawing a line in with biro!   )
we all understand and are here for you and I know its NOT ENOUGH because we cant give you what you want the most but if you can draw love and energy from the universe to heal you then we are sending it your way in the barrel full.

big hug
pobby xxx


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## coconutkym (Dec 9, 2006)

oh rosie i cried too!!

now there is good news, ypu are reallyy ypung and u have frosties too. i am 42 and have onl;y a l;ast gasp try with 5 foties form donr egs,

rather than just get back on the treadmill, take time out abnd enjoy yr dh. maybe u can get some extra work over summer to help with bills?

i would aslo recommend some further investigation and perhaps a diff clinic b4 trying again, for instance have you any odd immune problems, or blood clot problems. some clinics will precribe steroids and heparin for these eeven when there is no proven evidence. see immunology thread on staring out board, GP can do these.

do i remeber right that it was u on tricyclic anti depressants? and u stopped them fopr the tx?  serously go to Gp and say please can i have seroxat or prozac instead. the first is v good for obsessiveness. ( know i take it)




coco


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## Ella* (Mar 1, 2006)




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## janeo1 (Sep 27, 2006)

Rosie

You summed up the IF nightmare exactly  .  2nd time is always much harder I think. First time round we have the comfort of blind faith and naivety to some extent.  I am so sorry hun that you are going through a such a tough time.  Don't apologise for  letting those feelings out... just go for it...  It's perfectly normal and is a good release on here if nowhere else.  No pretence or Im fine act (when all you want to do is scream )is necesary here, so vent away. 
You will feel better in time chuck..... hard to believe I know, but true.  You like so many otherw will pick yourself up and find strength to carry on. Take time let yourself grieve over this coz thats what it is for all of us grief. 

Wish I could magically make you feel better, but I can't so in meantime here's a heartfelt big cyber  
jane x


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## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

no i've never taken any anti-depressants! nor am i obsessive. well, not clinically anyway although between you and me i do iron my underpants.

i think you've got me muddled up with someone else.

thank you so much to everyone.

i'm at school at the moment so can't say much but will be back later. 

much love,

rosie xxx


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## Mother Hen (May 22, 2007)

Rosie

Glad to hear from you...was getting worried about you as you'd been quiet since your mega-post. Even though we've not corresponded before, your post really touched me.  

Here's sending you lots of    and hoping that you and your dear one find the strength to get through this.

You could always take up writing to earn an extra bob - you really have a knack for prose that jumps off the page!  

Take good care hun

Mother Hen  
xxx


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## bodia (Apr 27, 2005)

Hi All,

Wendy - I can understand everything you say; most of the time I feel like a shadow of the person I once was. I find it hard to be around most people; I thankfully have a select few friends who I can talk to, although none of them live locally.  

Rosie - Glad you are resurfacing and like others have said; although we can't make it all go away we can all support and send you strength through this difficult time.

BTW, those that have mentioned adoption; there is a whole thread on the subject. Also, I was adopted as a baby and am always happy to talk about my experiences (extremely positive) with anyone who is thinking about going down that route.

Take care all,

xx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Link to adoption thread for anyone who want to take a look 

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=19.0

pam xx


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Rosie hun

Just wanna give you a big hug










Your post brought tears to my eyes









Take care
Natasha xx


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## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

today i had some yr 10 kids in my lesson ask me if i was having a baby.

i was very light-hearted and said that no, i am just having lots of cake. cheers.

i laughed it off and chastised them for their cheek but it didn't matter. inside i _really_ hurt. and now i'm home my chin keeps trying to wobble. but i'm fighting it. i don't want to be sad today.

and now i'm wondering why i shouldn't teach those unthinking yr 10s a lesson they'll never forget by _really_ answering their question.

by putting my board marker down. by pulling up a chair. by bursting into tears.

and saying, between sobs, that no, as it goes, i'm not having a baby. because i can't have children. not now. not ever. but, hey, it hasn't been for the want of trying. i've lost more than my fair share of embryos in my time not to mention both my tubes. that i've had ivf - twice - and failed. that i wish more than anything that they could be right. that it was a baby, not comfort food, giving me this little pot belly. but alas...

then picking up my board marker, standing back up and wiping my nose on my sleeve before telling them with a deep sad sigh that yes, i may have given it my best shot over the years, but no. there's no baby. just cake. but thanks for asking, kids.

thanks a f*cking lot.


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## kitykat (Sep 21, 2006)

Hi Rosie

Sorry to hear about your BFN and how hard you and DH are finding things. I tried talking to my mum at the weekend about answering peoples questions about starting a family and how I fantasise about giving them the "unexpected and truthful" answer. Even the hairdresser's assistant asked the other day. He was older than your year 10 kids but still young enough to be innocent about it and I just couldn't say " well actually - I have had two failed IVF's and I am waiting for a phone call to tell me if we can go ahead with the third". 

Don't say anything to them- they won't understand - just come and rant on here. We get it. 

Sounds like the school summer break can't come too soon for you. 

As my Nanna used to say "Be big and brave" You can get through this together. Long walks always help us and they don't cost anything. We had a really long rainy muddy walk after our last BFN and it just helped to be outside and away from everyone else and worrying more about soggy feet than my stupid womb.

Love and hugs
Kitykat
XX


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## Fidget (Jan 27, 2005)

Awwwwwwwww Rosie


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## bodia (Apr 27, 2005)

Rosie,

 Our job is the worse at times like this. I completley feel for you. I have a few kids who mention me not having kids quite regularly; and I have started to suspect that they realise that it's my weak spot, the one thing they can say which genuinely upsets me. That they could be so cruel is beyond belief.

I had a FF who was very honest with people when asked these questions; even told an estate agent once when she asked if she had kids!   However, at work with your Year 10's you've got to hang in there. Have you considered having a few days off though? Not long now til summer but with everything you have been through this year you might want to think about having a couple of days to yourself. It's so hard as a teacher when not feelinf on form....but I recommend rescue remedy always in your bag, and a bottle of wine in the fridge as soon as you get home!  

My heart goes out to you...remember you are not alone.
xx


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Hello Rosie,

You are an amazing woman. Going through all that and still teaching kids! Thank you so much for sharing how you feel on this threat. I keep reading your first post and cry, because it's exactly how I feel. Somewhere between wanting to hide away and never ever having to talk to anyone ever again or going out shouting at everyone I meet "NO, this isn't what I want, this isn't who I am, it's not fair and don't you feel so bl..... smug!!!!!". Then again, sometimes I just want a big hug. Being on hormones at the mo doesn't make it any easier. How do you say to people, "well no, actually, I'm not suffering from clinical depression, but yes, I do feel awfully low and when you were talking about xyz, it just made me cry, and no, I'm sorry, I can't come to your party, because, well, I just don't feel like celebrating. Why? Well, ..... (must have a cold coming). Oh, and yes, normally I'm not fat and spotty and teary all the time."

Last time I went home to see my family, my cousin asked me 'the question'. She is the same age as me and as kids we were very close, but don't see much of each other now. She had her first child when she was 18 (my goddaughter), her second a few years later and now she's expecting her third. I honestly had no idea that she didn't know, so I wasn't sure whether to be very angry, whether to lie (she's always thought that all I want is my career, haha - that's how we've dealt with 'the question' in the past), or whether just to tell her, yet again, the truth. I did the latter and ended up a complete wreck, but it did 'teach her a lesson'. She really was completely shocked, so that made me feel guilty ... But at least she won't ask again.

My 'best friend' at home, by the way, seems to think we're some kind of scientific experiment. Everytime I see her she wants an update, preferrably with all the grewsome details. Well, thanks very much  

It doesn't get any easier, and telling people what's going so that they don't ask you 'the question' ever again doesn't seem to stop them either. You have to be so strong. But hey, Rosie, we're Superwomen. We can do it, we have done it, we'll do it again and at the end of it all, we'll know how to really treasure all the good things we have in our lives.

Sending you lots of love,

Kats


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## goldielocks (Oct 7, 2006)

Hi Rosie  

So sorry to hear of your difficult encounter with the kids at your work…it is soooooo hard all of this….I agree with the points and advice a couple of the other wise ladies have given you…don’t expose your heart to people especially young people who don’t understand these issues and wouldn’t know what to do or say anyway. I know it’s hard but other people don’t get it and can’t necessarily be expected to – they live in a less complex world when people get pregnant 1 month after trying or it certainly seems that way to me at times !!! 

It is hard not to be angry with people who ask “ The Question” or who are thoughtless or tactless – a similar thing happened to me at the weekend – a distant relative of my DH at a family do asked if we were pregnant after we said we had some news ( actually about my work ). They’re like a knife to the guts those kind of questions but I think you just have to tell yourself that those people don’t intend to be thoughtless and don’t know any better and they certainly don’t warrant being party to your inner thoughts and emotions – use more valuable people for that – your dear jimmy or the ladies here – we can take it and we understand in the way that none of those people can…

We all know how hard it is though – like kitykat says I often long to come out with “ well no I don’t have any children because I’m 41, I didn’t meet my partner till later in life, my fertility is disappearing, after 2 years of trying and 2 cycles of complicated and debilitating IVF and £7000 poorer, no I’m not pregnant”. God it would be good – but that moment would be very transient and then I would be left feeling angry that I exposed myself to people as I say who don’t deserve that kind of access to me 

I think I suggested it to you before and I apologise if I sound like a nag but maybe some counselling might be good, a real live person to share these very difficult feelings with who isn’t virtual or close to you..
It really does help…

Thinking of you lots …and empathising with your grief and rage – we all really do get it 

XX  Goldielocks


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## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

thanks so much everyone. you're a real tonic.

i would never actually tell people the truth like that, least of all a bunch of yr10s, so don't worry. i'm not becoming unhinged. i was just a bit p*ssed off that a) i was being told i had a belly on me and b) i was asked if i was pregnant.

in the current climate neither were very welcome.

but i'm ok. feeling my usual chipper self. 

probably enhanced by the two chocolate covered flapjacks and the slice of victoria sponge, mind you but hey ho.

hey ho.

xx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hello guys

Feeling very small and lost in my life right now.  I've seen lots of posts about how the second negative is worse than the first, and it certainly is, but we promised ourselves three goes and I know I'll regret it if we don't try ... so my question is what's the third negative like?  Should I be ready to have a nervous breakdown or will I be more used to it by then?

Right now what's really haunting me is what my GP said when she first diagnosed our MF problems - she said 'not to worry as we can treat this' - I just want to make an appointment and tell her, no, you can't treat this, and no, you can't make it any better either!

Joanna


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Rosie,

I remember you from my first cycle and we now both have 2 neg cycles behind us (roughly at the same time). I know how you feel. 
I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you hun. xx

By the way, I have 2 cats too (one of which is 20years old, so I've had her since I was 16) and they are totally our babies. DH is just as bad as me with them. I know that wont change even if I do get peregnant! x 

Anyway, lots of luck hun. I'm having my 3rd go sometime towards the end of this year, so lets hope 2008 will be the year for both of us, hey! x

Love Angie xxx


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## Cubster (Dec 5, 2006)

Hi Rosie

We have never "chatted" before but I just wanted to say how much your post touched me, I had   streaming down my face. I'm glad you are feeling a little more like your old self today, I so agree with what Kats, said, we have coped with all this so far and we can do it. it's amazing the inner strength this journey reveals, I might be a wuss when it comes to creepy crawlies but by God I am one tough cookie after all these disappointments - I refuse to be bowed by all this. It's important we allow ourselves to grieve first for our lost embies though. I too have turned into a person I never thought I would, I have put my whole life and career on hold, I was sure that at the end of this year I would be ready to put a lid on all this business and move on, now I am nearing this self imposed deadline I am shifting the goalposts. More tests, investigations, new consultants and all the time the problem of money never going away   I find it helps to live just for the day I have long ago given up thinking too much about the future, it's the little things in life which are important to me now, sounds corny but true. I'm rambling, sorry, hope this makes a bit of sense. Hope you can find some peace soon and that you have a restful summer.

Cubster xxx


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## yonny (Mar 5, 2005)

Oh Rosie!! you made me cry     and Im a real tough nut to crack!! 

I dont have the words angel, I cant echo them as I havent been in your position (just about to start IVF no2  ) but I certainly empathise with you and all of you on this thread!    

I only hope and pray you  and DH find strength (and finances!! ) to go forward as you see fit - and that one day Im reading about your SO very well deserved BFP on these boards!

All my love sweetie, have a bit of victoria sponge for me! 
oh, and yes I iron my undies too! 

Joanna lovey Im sorry I cant help you with your question but Im sure one of the other ladies will be more than willing! Much    to you sweetheart!

Yonny x


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## DMM35 (Jun 18, 2007)

Hi
Just wanted to add to how much your post moved me Rosie (and Kats & Goldielocks)  
I had someone the other day ( pregnant with 3rd) ask me 'are you not planning to have a baby yet?' 
I said no but wanted to say "yes yes yes I have been ever since my DH came into my life at 31. I have planned and tried and wished and hoped but it just hasn't happened"  
But you don't, you just give them an answer they will be comfortable with and walk away. I too work in a school and have been reminded by a pregnant 17 year old that 'I should think about it as I was getting older'.  
It's a hard, tough and  'group' we belong to but I wish you all the luck in the world, stay strong and   to all xxxx


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Dear Joanna,

I just read your post on here and wanted to say, please, please, please don't think about the 'what if' yet. You have just as much chance as in your first cycle to get a BFP this time. It's so important to stay positive. Going through three cycles and now our forth has been difficult to deal with emotionally, but every now and then I try and remind myself that, when we first ttc naturally, we didn't expect it to work within the first few months. 'Statistically' IVF is no different. It's hard to keep your hopes up and I would be lying if I said that our third BFN was any easier to deal with then the first two, but you do get through it.

After our last BFN, my DH and I made sure we spent a lot of time together. We went away for a weekend (spending tons of money already, we felt we deserved a treat) and didn't meet any friends for a while. If anyone rang us, I was honest and said that I didn't feel like talking but just needed a bit of time. We really needed to be on our own for a while. And I definitely couldn't handle other people's babies. The worst thing is having to go straight back to work. I can cope so long as I just do some deskwork on my own, but having to deal with people is hard, especially when you have to seem so focused, but your mind and heart are somewhere else completely.

Like Cubster, I try to live more day by day. We've recently moved house and I'm happy just to meet friendly new people I can have a chat with and who do not judge us. Looking around, I see a lot of couples without kids. We've recently met two older couples who never had children, but have found ways of being happy together. That gives me strength. One of my main worries has actually been about our relationship. You need to work so hard on yourself not to be resentful or to feel guilty all the time. For a while, we both didn't acknowledge this, but we had to talk about it eventually, because it's such a horrible feeling. It was just there and gnawing away at us. Breaking up with DH is my worst fear and realising that has helped me to put things in perspective. We do think about the future and have a few things we would really like to do. It's not what we intended, but having plans definitely helps us to get through this together. Oh, and if we have to throw those plans over board because we're suddenly lucky, so much the better.

Not sure this is at all helpful, Joanne, but I just wanted to say, we're still here, still trying and yes, still enjoying life most of the time. Like a lot of ladies here have said, if you get a BFN, you need to give yourself time to grieve. Be kind with yourself and your partner, cry when you need to or come here and have a good virtual scream. But most of all, do a few of the things you enjoy and for now, start on that next cycle with lots of hope and optimism. There are quite a few success stories on FF. Reading those may help.

Let' s keep fingers crossed for both of us,


Kats


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## M.T.B (May 31, 2007)

Rosie

i just wanted to say as well as everyone else you really have made me cry  but also laugh your choice of words and how you write them is just so fantastic i know that may seem strange but im sure by just writing those words you really wanted to shout has made you feel more positive,reading back you say your not going mad!!!! i believe you, you just have such a way with words no wonder your a teacher, i think those words should be printed so people know the turmoil, have you though about replying to the message about wanting to help the press, cant remember where i saw that know but i think youd be great.....

with 1 failed IVF i dont truly know how you feel but a bit of an idea at least...

i hope you get what you deserve in the end but no words will help...

chin up darlin

thats what we're all here for 

take care

anthea xxx


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## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

i've just re-read this post.

it is the post i am most proud of. i was excruciatingly honest when i wrote it - at absolute rock bottom enough to talk about my shame and my humiliation and my emptiness, warts and all.

when i read it now i can relate to it as in 'that woman over there'. i got through it after all. i no longer feel as clawingly desperate as i did back then - but the pain is only ever a heartbeat away and as such i'm not strong enough to try again just now.

but i enjoyed reading it and was really struck by how refreshing the honesty was not just in the post itself but in all the comments as well.

so i've given it a BUMP because it's good to be reminded that we can and will get through the darkest of hours and still manage to look back and feel proud of the strength it took to do so.

my bingo wings are a shield of steel.

remember, yours are too.

rosie xx


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## margocat (Jul 26, 2007)

Rosie,

Yours was one of the first posts I read when I joined FF a few months ago.  Since then I have read your other posts and followed your story, and for the last few weeks have occasionally searched your profile to see if you have posted anything new.

I'm not your stalker, I just think you write astonishingly well, you sum up your emotions in writing better than I ever could, and you make me (and I'm sure everyone else) laugh - even in your darkest moments.  

I hugely admire your approach.

I can't tell you how sorry I am about your Mum.  I can imagine you are in pieces, I know I would be.

It's no comfort I'm sure - but you sound to be incredibly strong and powerful and you will cope really well I'm sure. 

Good luck with Primrose, you deserve her.

MC
xx


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## Gen (Dec 9, 2004)

Hi Rosie,

I'm pleased that you can look back on you original post and find that you are in a different place now.

I've been there after my 2nd -ve, and it is such a touch place to be.  It is tough being honest, when there is a lot of emphasis on being +ve with a good mental attitude.

I'm usually the +ve type but this cycle is hitting me hard and even though I'm on the tww I have little hope.  There is just so much that didn't go right in the lead up to e/t.  

I just want to send you loads of   that you keep strong, and get there in the end, what ever the end of the journey is.

I also wanted to bump up your original message because it is so touching and beautifully written.

LOL Gen xOx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hi Kats

I just wanted to thank you for your long answer and say sorry for not thanking you before.

As it turns out we've given being a 'family of 2' a go, and it seems to be working out ok - in fact we're steadily feeling better and better.  I've been able to commit to work, and am really enjoying that again now I'm not treading water, and take up new hobbies and interests.  I don't remember the second half of 2007 all that well now, looking back it just seems a blank, and I don't know what happened to it - I guess I was just being miserable - but 2008 is really looking up.

I don't think treatment is the answer for us.  But I really do admire you ladies who have the strength to keep going - bless you all and I hope and wish a miracle for each and every one of you!

Joanna x


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Joanne,

That's almost exactly how I feel. Though we're giving it one more go (am downrigging at the mo), I think I've started to get used to the idea of 'our world' being the two of us and - big news - our gorgeous new kat. We might try the adoption route, if it fails again, but I'm generally more at peace with myself and the idea of 'just the two of us' being more than enough. We got together because we love each other, not because we wanted to have children. That always was second to being together and it's the place I would like to get back to, just to have fun and start enjoying life again. We've earnt it, I think.

Do keep strong and don't let the unfairness of it all get you down. You're gorgeous, girl, you have a loving partner and the world's your oyster. So much to look forward to  


Kats


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Rosie ..I think this post must touch so many women on here; it was almost like you had reached inside us and voiced the utter anguish and pain that IF can bring; you are right to be proud of voicing these feelings   because by being open about them it makes the world of IF a less lonely place for other women feeling the same pain. 

Cat x


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## kizzymouse (Jan 13, 2006)

rosie, know exactly how you feel chicken

i've just had 6th treatment fail once again, af showed her ugly face b4 official test day   

I had a perfect 10/10 embie replaced but still couldnt hold onto him    

but will try again soon


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Kizzymouse   hunny sorry you got AF       for your next try 
Cat x


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Hi Kats

Best of luck with your cycle! I thought you might also like to see this thread http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=126713.0
I felt a bit sheepish starting it, but was overwhelmed with the positive ideas and responses I got back!

Jx


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Kizzymouse, I am so sorry, I didn't realise about the BFN when I posted my message on the other thread today. My whole heart goes out to you. Hope you have lots of loving, supportive people around you and are taking good care of yourself. We're all here thinking of you. IF's so hard, but you're strong and will get through this. You wouldn't have got this far, if you weren't. Be very kind and gentle with yourself. Wishing you all the luck in the world for your next try.

Joanne, I love your thread about things to do when you move on. I guess we're TANKs (two adults, no kids)? The messages on that thread are so upbeat, but they also show how hard it can be to find somewhere that isn't centred on kids. Travelling seems to be very popular. We'll definitely be doing more of that. DH is joining me for a conference in the States in April and I want to go to New Zealand and Australia with him. We have a good friend in Sydney and I'd love to see her. Definitely wouldn't be able to do that with kids. Probably the one good thing about stopping IVF will be that we'll that we'll have a bit of money again to do things like that.

I also liked your thread because with IVF it can feel like you're a complete failure. As if everybody else will be lucky in one of three attempts and you're just the odd one out. Well, that's certainly not the case and if you're like me, you need to know that there are others in the same situation and to learn from them how to get through it. I've also heard of the organisation 'More to Life', whom I'll look up, if we're unlucky again.

We're in the middle of our fifth and probably last cycle of tx and so far, so good. Have had more follies, eggs and now embies (10  ) than the last two times and am feeling a little bit more assured that things can improve, not only get worse. There really is no way of predicting how our bodies will respond each time we do tx. But I also think that acupuncture has helped. Plus I've been on Zita West's vitamins (don't mention money!) and DH and I haven't seen a drop of alcohol or caffeine for ages. I know it's unlikely to make THE difference, but it feels better to be trying everything we can.

We've also got ourselves one gorgeous, very affectionate cat and are completely smitten. She's not a replacement, obviously, but it's wonderful to have her around and waiting for us when we get in after work. I do get a bit too maternal with her, but hey, who's going to judge me for that  

Rosie, long time no hear. How are you doing? Did you get that puppy? Really hope so, because he's going to be the luckiest dog in the whole universe. Just don't knit him any jumpers  

Sending all you you a big smile and lots of    

Take care,
Kats


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## Kitty_Kate (Nov 2, 2007)

Thank you for being here, and showing me that it's not just me. I feel like a complete failure.
I had THOUSANDS of eggs collected, and hundrede of them fertilised, and nearly all of them were great quality, so why oh why won't they stay inside? It's not the eggs, it's not the sperm, it's not the embies, so it MUST BE ME. Why me? I really do feel like a failure.

Pol, I wish I could do like you, and make a decision to make a future with DH, cos I love him so much.
So WHY DO I CRAVE THESE STUPID BLOOMIN KIDS OF MY OWN
DH reckons we can't argue with hormones, and he sosososo regrets the vasectomy, and the lack of counselling given him back then.
Aaaargh, why can't I just shut up and be happy?

AAAAAAAARGHHHHH!!!!!!!


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Girls, lets pat ourselves on the back for still being here, still keeping strong, still knowing in our hearts of hearts who we are, why we're doing this, that it's worth it for that ONE chance and let's have a dance. Here's some positive energy for all of us on here:

                             

As you may have guessed, I'm a couple of days before test date, have never actually made it to test date without AF showing up and so am going       

Kats


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

More              and           for all who need them x
Cat


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## Kitty_Kate (Nov 2, 2007)

Hey good luck Kats


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Unbelievably, I got a BFP yesterday. It'll take me a while to believe it. Am absolutely shattered, as is DH. Those six years of ttc have really left their mark on us, but am sooooooo happy. Hopefully it'll stick. Am still worried sick.

Thank you all so much for your good wishes and for being there. Am sending you lots of    

Lol,
Kats


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## Kitty_Kate (Nov 2, 2007)

Kats, I am so happy for you, you made me cry.
I don't know you, but I do know that I need people like me to get pregnant to give me the extra hope I need to go back in there to take more of the same.

Thank you   Thank you   Thank you   Thank you   Thank you   Thank you   Thank you   Thank you   Thank you


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## Kats (Jan 25, 2007)

Katie,        I know exactly what you mean. I've spent hours on FF trying to find people who carried on and eventually got lucky. So glad it's giving you hope and it should. If it could happen to us, it CAN happen to you. I really had given up all hope and without reading some of the positive stories on FF would have probably given up long ago. FF will be my virtual home for a long time to come, I think. I don't feel at all included in the 'normal' pregnancy hullaballoo and can't get myself anywhere near those magazines and books with happy, smiley soon-to-be mums who happened to realise in week 6 that their period was late .... After IF, it's a completely different ball game. I am soooo worried about m/c, partly because I don't think I would be able to do all this again. It's just taken too much out of me and DH. So am     that it will stick and that this really, finally is our turn.

  

Katie, am keeping everything crossed for you.

Kats


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

What wonderful news, Kats - many many congrats!!!

jXX


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## ckhayes (Nov 7, 2006)

Rosie-You wrote just how i felt and i still feel.  Keep this post active, it will help many...
Wishing you   for the future.

Clare x


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## rosiebadgirl (Jan 8, 2007)

ella! cinders! kats! bodia! carole! minxy! everyone!

guess who's back!

it's me. 

remember me?

you're old mate, rosie?

i've come back and hey, i'm sorry i've been away for so long, girls. i've missed you, y'know. 

and rightly so, as penance for being away so long, i am now going to plough through the pages and pages i've missed on this thread to see what's been happening. then i'll be checking out your profiles to see how you've all been doing. expect personal messages from me over the coming weeks ok.

so anyway then, prior to catching up (because it's going to take a while, i suspect) i just wanted to say hello to you all and tell you that you've all been in my thoughts and that i hope each and every one of you is ok.

believe it or not, i have actually missed being in touch and have often wondered how each of my old ff friends have been getting on. i hope to read some good news when i read through your old posts. experience, however, tells me it won't be good news all the way though and for those of you who've had it tough, in advance i already feel sorry. hugs to you, if you need them.

anyway, it's nice to be back. really nice. 

i hope you still have room for me, bearing in mind i now come with TWO doglets in tow! (yes, jimmy buckled under the sustained pressure and i now have florencie, my 7 month old yorkshire terrier (she is my actual hairy baby) and my newest addition, billy, my 9 week old jack russell puppy (despite the spelling of her name, she is a little girl. a sister for florencie. but she's a right little bruiser and billy with a 'y' is exactly the right name for her). 

so i am at last a mummy and i don't care what anyone says. 

those doggles are the light of my life. i don't know how i managed without them.

well, i look forward to catching up with you all but, until then, much love and many hugs,

rosie xxx


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## Pol (Mar 9, 2007)

Rosie - lovely to see you back - but I'm soooo jealous - a jack russel puppy ... just what I wanted 'for Christmas' (I can't have one because DH and I both work some of the week away from home, but that doesn't stop me wanting one!!)  Please post some pictures!!!

Jx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Kats that is wonderful news hunny   heres to a happy and healthy 9 months           
Cat x


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## ckhayes (Nov 7, 2006)

Hi Rosie, ive just been reading through the posts again from the beginning.  Its like you've read my mind and put it all into writing for how i felt.  IVF is such a rollercoaster of emotions.
I got a ikle dog Charley (spelt girls way but a boy) he is my hero, always there for me, always understood me and listened when i needed someone, never moaned when i got him little outfits (except when he woopsied in his shorts) can you believe he is a staffie..lol... i love him sooo much, he is like son to me.
I got told after i had Katie i could conceive naturally (apparently in some cases it can rectify un explained fertility) each month since having Katie i get down when AF arrives.  I don't understand why I'm like this, just hormones i guess.  I want to stop hurting.  is it dissapointment or is it something Ive drummed into making myself do after so many years of ttc, that i should feel down, and i should feel like a failure each month that i cant do it naturally.

I wish you the very best for the future, stay strong   

Clare x


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## Emmib (Apr 17, 2008)

Rosie - very emotional reading this thread, and pleased to see you are back to see the wonderful feedback you have had from your FF family.  And congratulations on the furry babies, I know exactly how that feels and am currently working on DH for furball #2.  My baby knows I am her Mummy and loves nothing more than cuddling up with me on the sofa.

Kats - congrats on your news,   for your pg.  Keep us all posted

 to all my FF's who I have still to meet and chat too.

x


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## Tillybilly (Nov 14, 2005)

I am a new BFN IVF lady, this is my first cycle.  But of course I have had many BFN's naturally.

What can I say that no-one else has said - I fit this catgegory completely.  I had my review today and have ended up feeling like a BIG FAT FAILURE.  Is it too much to ask to have a baby?  I could be a good mum couldn't I?  What have I done to deserve this??  

I know everyone reading this knows how we feel.

It's such a mind    I wanna hold on..............................any tips??

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx


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