# When do you decide to stop trying for a baby?



## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi guys,

Feeling very confused, just wanted to say how i'm feeling and would appreciate your thoughts.  Not sure how to write my treatment history (in pink at bottom) but basically I have been trying for about five years now, had tried lots of iui's and then moved onto icsi and fet.  Nothing worked.  I really feel that I have had enough of having treatment: the stress of it all, the worry about what the long term effects of doing this to my body are, the drugs, getting time off work, finding the money etc etc!!!  Am really seriously thinking about adoption but that would mean totally giving up on ever having my own child.  I don't want to do that, but yet at the same time I just can't face having anymore treatment.  I know some people have lots and lots of attempts but I just don't think I can put myself through it all again.

I know that only dh and I can make this decision, but, how have other's reached this decision?  

Any support would be appreciated, its so hard.

Thanks, love maisie x


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## SUSZY (Nov 3, 2006)

Dear Maisie
I really don't know what to say as its probably one of the hardest decisions you will ever make.
I think you have to have a certain grieving process if you decide that you are giving up on trying for a biological child with your own eggs but there are the options of donor eggs (and or sperm) and also adoption - as with most things in life its just a matter of time and coming to terms with it.  I have been in a bit of limbo stage and am considering egg donors from having never really heard about it a few months ago but as ever it takes time to internalise, take it, get your subconcious mind to work on it and then decide what to do.
good luck
take care
susie


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi Susie,

good idea - will try to let my subconscious mind work on it,  my conscious mind is doing it 24/7!!  So hard to think of anything else.  Thanks for your message, good luck with searching for donor eggs

love maisie x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Maisiek

I'm afraid the only way you can reach a decision on something like this is by yourself... knowing when the time is right for you and feeling that its the right thing to do. Sorry if this isn't exactly what you wanted to hear hon, I know how difficult it is to walk away from everything. All tx gives us hope, and in my case hope where there wasn't a cat in hells chance before - and that can make it even more hard to turn your back on it all!

A lot of ladies here have had that choice taken away from them. Myself, I chose to not carry on down that tx road any longer because my body/soul/self had just about had enough - and my ovaries had decided to play up after 2 fresh goes at IVF. For me personally I felt I had already lost enough of my 'feminine identity' through ectopic pregnancies and losing fallopian tubes - I didn't want to lose any more. Ultimately in making that decision it means that I will never have the 'package deal' of pregnancy and motherhood, but in an odd kind of way it was also another means of taking control of things because I had not had any control over anything else that happened to me before.

Some ladies look at other medical options such as donor eggs, I have a dear friend who uses this site who is attempting donor embryos. Others are considering adoption... but whatever you decide you will know, because it will feel right for you.

I guess you have a lot of soul searching to do hon... whatever you decide for the future I wish you the very best.

With love,
Emcee x


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Maisie
Welcome! I hope that we can help you alittle through this difficult journey..!!
I agree it is very much a grieiving process and the first thing to ever have to face, is the reality of not being able to have your own child. That is a very tall order to learn to live with and a very painful reality...
But it seems to me Maisie you may have a few more issues going on. Trying to face the reality of maybe not going for more treatment. This adds on the added pressure of trying to face the reality of giving up on not having your own biological child. Losing 'hope' is so hard to learn to live with because we have conflicting thoughts with our pain and emotional feelings...hope is the one thing we also live for.
I along with Emcee agree its only you and your partner can actually come to that decision of ending treatment. There are future options and very positive ones, but you cannot really deal with them yet until you deal with the issues you have presented where your treatment is concerned.
I struggled personally for a long time and i then came to face my demons that maybe i couldn't do this anymore. I had enough of treatment and i felt there was no real hope for the both of us. But for me i actually had to do one final treatment. I felt in control and was quite realistic about the outcome. The most bizarre thing is the last treatment caused the least distress, as i think i had a more a better grip on things...
I know we are all different, but i believe you cannot force something it 'has to come to you'. Its about discussing things with your partner and both coming up with a plan that you can cope with at that present moment. Even putting things on hold just to 'find yourselves' and to take the pressure off yourself. Maybe give a few months rest and then go back to the drawing board. 
Maisie there are some different options out there and there is still hope, but in a new route. But that route is probably best taken, when you have put a lid on maybe ending your own treatment. I am not sure you can flip between one to another, because in the long run you are not dealing with your own grief...
I am so sorry that you are at this place and i have every empathy for you...but if there is solidarity in your relationship and support you will find that way through!!
lots of love astridx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Maisie
This is such a toughie... 
As the others have said very eloquently - its a decision you can only come to on your own...I think its a question of giving yourself and dh the head space to listen to your inner self. I know this is hard (my inner self always seems to be in conflict over what to do!)

Anyway, I just wanted to send you some support  ...its a really painful and difficult decision.
lots of love, ruby xx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Maisie,

Well, Astrid, Emcee, Suzy and Ruby have all raised some valid points and very wise words ...

I would just like to add that, perhaps, if you are still having all these "questions" going around your head, then maybe, this is a sign that you are not quite "ready" to give up all hope completely...?  Also, when you said, "giving up hope of ever having my own child, I don't want to do that ...."  I think as Astrid says, maybe don't put too much pressure on yourself just now.  Try and take things a day at a time, don't look too far forward and don't look back but just see how you feel again in a few months/weeks..?  You don't say when your last attempt was but I sense it was fairly recently and you're (perhaps) going through that awful stage that comes with a failure of complete panic and feeling of a loss of what to do next which I compltely understand and remember so well ...

For me, your point about worrying about the effects of all these drugs on your body was very poignant.  This has always been a huge worry for me, hence I didn't want to put more pressure on my ovaries by doing a 5th IVF using my own eggs.  (We'd already done 5 attempts of medicated IUI aswell)  I realise donor eggs isn't for everyone but for me, it was more about experiencing pregnancy and birth as opposed to having my own "genetic" child.  

As you can see, so far, using donor eggs has been my way of "Moving On" but I would just like to say, I don't think we have been at all brave in making the decision to carry on with trying different treatments.  I personally feel, it takes much more guts and bravery to say, "enough is enough .... no more" or equally, to have to accept that treatment is just not possible for whatever reason.  I just couldn't face that at all ....

I can fully empathise with your predicament, try not to put too much pressure on yourself, it sounds like you still have alot to think over,

Be good to yourself,
Wishing you all the luck in the world with this hellishly difficult decision,
All my love
Gill xo


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi, just wanted to thank you emcee, astrid, ruby and gill for your replies.  You have all made some really valid comments and I appreciate both the time and concern that you have taken in replying.  It really helps talking to others who know how I feel.  I was talking to a friend about it today who went through iui and got pregnant fairly easily.  Although well meaning I really felt that she just didn't understand about how difficult physically and emotionally ivf/icsi treatment is.  She was saying how I would regret it if i didn't try it again, and I kind of see her point of view - but when do you stop and say enough is enough!  I'm not sure that I am able to cope with another go to see if just in case it works.  This is a real dilema.  I guess you are right when you say that I/me and dh will know in time what to do.  My dh is willing to go along with whatever I want to do, but I know that he would like to give icsi another go.  I guess I will need to give myself some more time.  We had said that we would have a break over christmas and then think about it again in the new year.  I just can't seem to get it out of my head though!  Drives me mad!!!

Guess I must be patient and think about it some more.

Thanks guys for your help,

love Maisie. x x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

HI Maisiek, 

It seems to me, as the others say, you stop actively trying when you feel ready in your heart to give up on treatment. That may be difficult as part of your heart may still hope for a "miracle" treatment because that is something you can actively persue, even when logic says it is time to give up. On the other hand, giving up may seem negative at the moment. Deciding on your best course may depend on listening very hard to the medics and deciding just how much hope they offer, and considering whether it is enough hope for you. 

If it is, I hope you  will succeed. If you decide to stop, I hope life will bring you other miracles. 

Hope this makes sense!

love jq


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Meridith - and pardon me for jumping in here like this to you in the midst of Maisie's thread! 

I just wanted to touch on what you wrote:


> What makes you think that the child one adopts
> hasn't also 'chosen' its path, with you as his/her parent--in the same way a soul might choose its biological
> parents....?"


This is a very interesting concept and one that I have heard and discussed amongst my friends and others for a few years now.

In short, I believe we are all on one sort of personal spiritual journey or another - although I don't understand or know the reasons why some of us have to go through such heartache along the way, nor do I think that the things that happened to us were 'meant to be' or a test of some sort...

Just thought I would quickly dash in here and share my thoughts!

Love,
Emcee xxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

hi yes I am also very interested by this idea about adoption and 'souls' finding each other - its a perspective that I really connect with. I think there are things in life we do not/cannot understand - and that includes people who are connected spiritually - be they parent/child relationships - husband/wife - family/friendships or whatever. To quote the ol' Bard himself...

_...there are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in our philosophy_

Blimey! is it ever the wrong time for a bit of Shakespeare?
love ruby xx


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi Jq, Meredith, Emcee and Ruby thanks for all your inciteful comments - its so lovely to have some support.  

Your comments have all touched me, I suppose I have felt like giving up on treatment  is a negative thing to do: seems so final really!  But I guess if we do decide upon adoption then its just a new journey really.  Meredith, thanks for your thoughts, they are really interesting, I do believe in soul mates etc, maybe dh and I could be destined to look after and care for a child who really needs us.  I have thought about this before.  Maybe that's what our predestined plan is meant to be - if that's how it works!  And hey, Ruby I like your Shakespeare quote!!  Always liked that play and agree that quote is particualarly poignant!!

Thanks guys for all your help.  I have contacted some local adoption agencies to speak a bit more about what is involved, thought I would do it whilst off work: as wouldn't get any privacy in work and would be very difficult.  One agency is having an open day in January: so we are thinking about going to that just to find out some more info.  

love maisie xx


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## Spaykay (Nov 29, 2006)

Hi Maisie

I've popped on this thread a bit late really but found it interesting as I am also at the stage of deciding whether to stop or not. We have been told that we need genetic testing and that there is a strong possibility of us needing to use donor egg or sperm. I would be ready to stop before that and adopt, as I feel that giving a child what it needs to grow as a person and love is the most important part of being a parent and am starting to feel that perhaps the being pregnant and having my own genetic child is not such important part of being a parent. My DH is not as ready as me to stop so we're a bit stuck at the moment. I just wanted to wish you all the best in your decisions as it's never easy to make.

Kay xxx


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## maisiek (Apr 25, 2005)

Hi Kay,

Thanks for your message.  Your situation sounds tricky, must be very hard if you and dh are at different stages!  I am lucky in that my dh is prepared to go ahead with adoption or to try another tx.  He can see how much it is cutting me up and just wants me to be happy.  I think that as he has his own birth child from a previous relationship it is a little easier for him to accept the idea of adopting.  Good luck with trying to sort your situation out: being stuck is hard to cope with.  Take care,

love maisie x


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