# I can't cope anymore.......



## gizmo123 (Nov 19, 2005)

I don't know where else to go but hoped it would help writing everything down here. I haave just had my 2nd ivf with egg share which resulted in a BFN. I have just rang today and found out my recipient is pregnant. I know I should be pleased for her but I just now feel like it has tipped me over the edge. I can't stop thinking asomeone else is going to see my sons beautiful blue eyes. I feel so angry as since speaking to a number of clinics they are shocked I was even allowed to limit our chances since I have a history of cancer only 6-7 years ago and went through intensive chemo! Should this have happened We would have found the money to go it alone if our chances would have increased and TBH we only went through ES for the finanacial implications.

My DS has gone to nursery today and I haven't stopped crying all morning. I truely can't go on anymore. My life has always been tainted with bad luck, operations and treatment and I have had enough. Likewise I can't bear the thought of O being an only child. I feel I have caused all this and don't know what to do. My DH and DS would be better off without me as lets face it I am worth nothing. My body is useless, I am tired and look a mess and I slowly believe my friends are also disappearing. 

I can't stop ringing people to try and get answers.. HFEA - should I have been allowed to egg share? Other clinics to be find out if they would have allowed me to do it... but the bottom line is none of this will make me happy - I just wanted a BFP and didn't get it and therefore I can't move on. My body is alive but my soul and spirit have gone


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

(((Gizmo)))

First of all I'm sorry to hear about your BFN    It must be very hard to hear that your recipient is PG too, good for her, but doesn't make you feel any better does it?  

Also, you are not useless, and I'm pretty sure that your DH & DS would want nobody else but you regardless.  I think you would be wise to have some counselling or see your GP?  I too feel like my friends are dwindling but I think its because I isolate myself from them cos they have kids etc...  Keep coming on here for support, we know how you feel.

I hope you are ok.  Give your DS a big hug, slap some lippy on and face the world.  

Stay strong.
x
Emma xx


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## kirsty33 (Jan 21, 2009)

Gizmo   

Didnt want to read and run hun......

Ive read your signature and you really have been through it. Im so sorry that it didnt work for you this time and it must be a double blow that the lady you donated to fell pg. But, hun, you did something wonderful for another person and you should be proud of yourself. It takes strength and compassion to be able to donate and you did despite everything you have been through. I know this is no consolation at the mo, but once the initial grief has worn off you may feel different.

Im sure your DH and DS love you very much and wouldnt change you for the world. It may help to sit down  with DH and talk about all these feelings you have, I'm sure he will say that he loves you for who you are. Your DS loves his mummy very much too and needs you.

It will take time and you need to grieve, but I hope you will try again soon. You are young and have plenty of time so take it easy,be kind to yourself, save up and have another go when you feel ready.

Love Kirsty xx


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## SarahPooh (Nov 7, 2006)

Oh Gizmo you poor thing     I was so sorry to read what you have been through and you are obviously feeling devastated and at rock bottom.  

First of all you are NOT worth nothing - your amazing body has already produced a son who no doubt loves you more than anything in the world and there is no way your DS and DH would be better off without you; I am sure they would both be heartbroken if anything happened to you.  You are going through a perfectly natural grieving process at the moment and I totally believe you feel you can't cope but I promise you you can cope, and you will cope.  AND you will feel better again, and be able to see that there are some really positive things to focus on here - you have survived cancer which is a huge victory in itself - and you have gone on to give birth to your son, and, very importantly, your body IS obviously still capable of producing healthy eggs that can be fertilised and will which make viable embryos - this in itself is such a brilliant thing - I have changed my signature because I couldn't fit everything on, but it took me 4 IVFs, 3 with ICSI, to get my BFP, because I hardly produced any eggs, and on my first go none of those I did produce fertilised which was heartbreaking and a terrible shock - what I am trying to say honey is that you still have such good chances of getting pregnant in the future because you obviously are producing lovely good eggs.  

You mustn't feel hopeless because I'm sure you WILL have a sibling for your dear little boy.  As Kirsty said, you should feel proud of yourself because you have done a wonderful, wonderful, life changing thing for the lady who received your egg and no doubt she will be grateful to you for the rest of her life - you have given her the most precious gift possible.  Also as Kirsty said, you have plenty of time and if your little boy has to wait a while longer for his little brother or sister he will be that much prouder of being a big brother.  

I hope I haven't upset you or been too stern with you, I just want you to know that life is nowhere near as dark as it seems to you right now.  I wish I could give you a real hug but will just send you another virtual one  . I think you should try and talk to your DH too about how you are feeling and if necessary to your GP because it may be that you are a little bit depressed (understandably) and he or she will be able to support you until you are feeling better.  Take care of yourself sweetie, give yourself time to grieve and get over the natural shock you are feeling, and have faith that it will all be alright in the end.

Lots of love 

SarahP xxxx


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## Minni (Dec 11, 2007)

((((Gizmo))))

So sorry to read your post and how you are feeling.  It is now suprising you feel low considering what you have been through.  But reading your ticker I know that you can cope hon- you have already been through so much and still come out the other end. Your dh and ds will love you dearly and won't in any way feel that your are useless.  You are far from that - look at everything you have had to put up with.  Dealing with infertility is something that only very strong women can do - I admire every single one of them.  And you have gone a step further - you have even been generous enough to donate your eggs and now give someone else the chance to reach their dream.  How selfless and amazing is that?  

I know it feels impossible at the moment and you need time to grieve but please be kind to yourself and ease up on yourself.  You have done something amazing and should feel proud not useless.

Big hugs
Minni x


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