# Hand-stitched Family



## Handstitchedmum

Hello!

_Hand-stitched dad_ and I are about to put our formal application in to a local authority to adopt. We started a blog to track our experiences, for ourselves, for others, but mostly for our future child(ren). I was a member of Fertility Friends for years while we tried to conceive. We agreed early on that we did not want fertility treatments. After diagnoses of subfertility for both of us, we had a miscarriage and several repeated early losses. It broke us down and we stepped back from the natural pregnancy route. We grieved and re-built our relationship with our new identities. Now I wouldn't trade our experiences for the world, as we are such better people and such a stronger couple for having them. We feel a lot of emotions about the adoption process, but nowhere near the anxiety and stress that plagued us while we were trying to conceive.

Our hand-stitched family is currently:

_hand-stitched mum_, 32 years old, British (dual-national)
_hand-stitched dad_, 33 years old, British

We live in rural Northern England with a few tiny, fluffy creatures. Our hobbies include: making crafts, playing games, reading books and watching movies, football and formula 1. Most of our free time is currently spent decorating our home or visiting family and friends. Our favourite holiday places include: Northern Wales, Whitby, and the Outer Banks (USA).

Our adoption timeline:

Pre-2013, we joined Adoption UK, inquired at adoption agencies and attended an information meeting at Rural agency.

February 2013
We decided it was time to start the process and contacted our top three adoption agencies (Big City, Little City and Rural). Little City sent us an information packet and invited us to an information meeting (with only a week's warning!). We attended their information meeting and felt positive about the team at Little City. A social worker from Rural called us for our first viability assessment and decided to recommend us to their monitoring committee. Finally, an administrator from Big City called us to take some details (a mini-viability assessment) and said that they would send a letter inviting us to an information meeting (also with only a week's warning!).

March 2013
We never received the letter from Big City, though we did get a call from the same administrator attempting to take our details again! We spoke with a social worker from Big City later that week, who apologised for the mix-up and said they would send out an invitation to the next information meeting in April. In the meantime, Rural sent us a letter informing us that the monitoring committee decided to proceed with our enquiry and a social worker would call as soon as possible to arrange a home visit. We called Little City to arrange a similar home visit. They asked us to complete and submit a request form, which we sent immediately.

April 2013
We still haven't heard from Big City about their information evening in April. We decided to remove them from the shortlist. We met with a social worker from Rural who decided to recommend us for preparation group. We grilled the social worker about the Rural adoption agency and were pleased with the answers. _Hand-stitched dad_ and I decided to apply to Rural. We are waiting to hear from them about whether we need early medicals. At this rate, we could potentially be approved for Christmas.

No hurry!

You can read more in our blog: http://handstitchedfamily.wordpress.com/

Both _hand-stitched dad_ and I are a bit shy on forums as we are sensitive and geeky folk. So, apologies if I am not especially active in group discussions. We much prefer 1:1 and face to face! We would be interested in contributing to an adopters group in the NW. We would like to expand our support network by getting to know other local people at different stages of adoption.

Thank you for reading!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I've been reading your Blog, it's lovely! Looking forward to hearing more about your journey x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Good luck with your journey your patience and quiet reflection will be invaluable. All the best to you and Handstiched Dad


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## Wyxie

Good luck to both of you, exciting times.

Well done on not being too impatient.  I was like a bull in a china shop once we'd made the decision to go ahead, charging round every which way trying to work out how much I could get done and how fast.


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## Handstitchedmum

Thank you for the lovely comments. Please let me know if any of you have a blog so I can add it to our RSS feed reader.

Wyxie, I so admire you for your story. It sounds like you have a lot of strengths that you are passing on to your wyxling. I look forward to hearing how the new sibling settles.


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## Handstitchedmum

Right now we are in a waiting and thinking stage. Waiting for the next step with our two prospective adoption agencies. Thinking about what sort of child we can parent. 

The waiting is sooo the easy part.

How can we really know what we are capable of until we try? My gut says one child. My heart says baby. My mind says 9 year old. We are talking about a person here. A real person. I cannot begin to draw lines, but somehow I must. Someday in the future, a not-so-little person will ask me why. Why was I adopted, why did you adopt, why did you adopt me?

You can't break a person down into respective parts without depersonalising them. When I met hand-stitched dad, I just knew. But more than knowing, I committed to him and to our journey without even waiting a breath. Is it really so different when adopting a child?

Dear child,

From the moment the social worker told me about you, I knew. You would be mine and I would be yours. We will spend a lifetime wondering 'why us,' challenging our match and each other, but whatever reason we propose... The real answer is that we are committed. I committed to you. And I will keep committing to you, with every new reason we find together. 

Love, 

Hand-stitched mum


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## -x-Lolly-x-

That's really beautiful handstitchedmum  

Thank you for sharing. Good luck with your journey, I look forward to reading and sharing


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## Wyxie

That's lovely, I enjoyed reading your blog.


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## Handstitchedmum

Thank you both -- spur of the moment emotion. Getting a wee bit closer to making decisions but still so far to go.

Finished my chronology of addresses and jobs tonight. What would I do without Google!? As I'm dual-national, social services has to do a variety of checks in multiple countries, so I wrote as much as I could remember to give them a head start.


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## Handstitchedmum

Finished our ecomap of support yesterday. It is an odd feeling, to go from being so internally focused (infertility/TTC) to externally focused (adoption). Hand-stitched dad and I were concerned that we didn't have a very good support network. Once we wrote things down on paper, it actually looks pretty good. Well, we _felt_ good about it.


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## Billybeans

Hi Handstitchedmum, just reading for the first time.
We live in North Wales, so I am glad you like this area  It's lovely isn't it?
Sounds like things are moving forward for you.  havn't read your blog yet, I will soon though.
Good luck.
I will keep popping by to see where you are up to.


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## Handstitchedmum

Thank you, Billybeans. So envious that you live in North Wales! I remember the first time I drove through Snowdonia; it was the first moment I felt like 'home' in the UK. I reckon we will be holidaying there quite a bit once we have a family.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sounds like a lot of useful information and steps forward.  Well done going to get DH on those tasks with me soon I think x x


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## Handstitchedmum

Tips for getting DH to start his ecomap welcome!  So far, we've worked through the matching criteria and he's joined my girl guiding group. Once he's "used to" being a unit helper, he's going to help out at a local beavers or cub scouts group. Love my shy boy.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I hate to say I just tend to take the lead and he joins in. If he won't help after multiple prompts I use tears to get my own way (not a brilliant quality I know but it works.) I only do it over really important stuff, hence why it works if I cried at the drop of a hat he'd ignore me   . If anyone has a less emotionally manipulative way of getting action from a DH who works all the hours in the day let me know please. 

I'm a visual colour kind of girl so going to get everyone to give me a photo I think and then stick them all on in groups / relevant support etc. I love things like that it's my idea of a fun afternoon I'm afraid I'm very dull like that. 

May buy a big piece of card to do it on this week. I've read the extra home study homework section want to do a load of them and wow SW when we get allocated one. I've always been a geek at heart and proud of it x x x


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## Handstitchedmum

The card idea sounds really cool! We are very visual as well.

I am taking our GoPro on holiday to visit family/friends and getting as many as possible to do short video references, including all the kids. I'm going to have them all speak as though they were speaking to their future cousin/nephew/grandchild rather than the social worker, so I can use the videos to help our child get to know my family as well. I have a big family! Bit selfish too, as I would love to have videos of all of them.


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## Handstitchedmum

Told my manager we were starting the adoption process... And then realised I haven't even told my parents yet.  This is the curse of a huge time difference! Any ideas for sharing the news in a gentle but personal way over the miles?


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Skype is good I always Skype my sister she lives abroad.  It's free too x x


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## Handstitchedmum

Thanks, Gwyneth.  we Skype every month. I wondered if the news might be lost in that routine and I also wanted to make it a bit more special.  We are visiting them this summer but I'm not sure we can or should wait that long. I fear that one of our UK family members will say something on ******** well before then!

In other news, the youngest member of our family is in hospital and we are all so stressed. :-( On top of that, our car is dying (after we spent a load of money on our holiday and decorating our house). And if that isn't enough, an amazing and life-changing ball has started rolling in an unexpected way. Wish I could say more, but it is early days. Happy to share in private message as I'm itching to tell someone.

So, our little niece is mending. We had prepared to buy a new car (just later rather than sooner). And the ball could stop rolling at any moment. Welcome to the roller coaster of life.

Seriously, at this point, anything could happen and it would not faze us one bit. We are shattered!


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## Emma-is-a-mummy

Hi handstitched

Just wanted to stop by and send hugs. 
Hope your niece is getting better. 
If you ever need a chat feel free to pm me. 

Big hugs xxxxxxx


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## Wyxie

Hi Handstitched,

I'm so pleased to hear your niece is getting better, that is the best news of all.

Good (I hope) to hear you have exciting news.  

Our car is also dying; it's getting to the stage where I think what it's costing us to keep it on the road is saying we should just invest in a new one.  Like you, we'd budgeted for it, but probably not quite yet and we'd hoped to get a bit more for our current car than we probably can now.  While at one level I know we did plan for this, at another I'm worried about eating into our savings so soon into my "not working" 2 - 3 years.

Hope you get some sleep!

I would tell them before the visit, you don't want them to find out second hand, but that's just me.  Mind, when I told my mum we were planning to adopt after about 15 minutes of conversation and me getting increasingly frustrated with her, she said "sorry my love, you said you were doing what?"  I had forgotten to take into account how little of her attention I often command when on the phone.  Given I could have got to her in 2 hours I think I should have got on a train (didn't drive then)!

Good luck, whatever you decide.  I hope your niece is still doing well.

Wyxie


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## Handstitchedmum

Wyxie,  your phone call with your mum is *exactly* how mine would go! In fact, I took my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law out to afternoon tea and barely got a word in edgewise. Then, when I finally did get the word in, they changed the subject after a couple questions. I'm glad they enjoyed the day (they never do things together like that) but I still feel like I'm waiting for a proper celebration. It's hard to know who I can be excited with, as no one I've told has yet to share in that.

In other news, we found a car, so drove three hours to view it and buy it! We had to borrow some money from our family but will pay them back in no time. I feel glad that we are getting this purchase out of the way. Now just need to rebuild our savings for our finance check!   

Our niece is back home now and looking really well compared to her shattered parents. Kids!

We made a big decision and decided to wrap up the toddler outfit I bought years ago when I thought we were only a couple tries away from pregnancy bliss. I put in a children's handbag I bought last year to match the outfit. I was going to wait and see if we were matched with a 0-2 baby girl, but when my niece went to hospital I realised I didn't need to wait. We already had a 0-2 baby girl we loved.

Her father texted me to say thanks and share a story about my niece and her new handbag. It felt right.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

What a beautiful thing to do.  Sorry others don't share your excitement it's difficult isn't it.  I sometimes feel like saying the reaction you've given me is like me saying are you sure you don't want to have an abortion to a pregnancy announcement.  So glad your lovely niece is on the mend  xxxxx


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I get the impression people just don't understand at all, they don't know why you are adopting because it doesn't register on their radar and also they are worried about you and think of all the ways things can go wrong.  Because it is so much more commonplace people don't dwell on what can go wrong for a pregnancy or a birth.    We have had various reactions, my friends were so excited and think it's wonderful but some of my OH's family have looked confused and asked why, what do we hope to achieve by adopting etc...  It's healthy to be curious but if someone told me they were pregnant I wouldn't look confused and ask them what they hope to achieve from it?!?!  

Some people are just ignorant.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Try it next time and see what they say lol. Then post and tell me x


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## Handstitchedmum

I like your idea, Gwyneth, of saying "I'm going to be a mum!" instead of leading with adoption. I think it is really important for me to learn how to be excited about this and how to share that excitement with others. Historically, I keep my excitement quite well hidden and it doesn't do me any favours. I'm going to try it with my friends first (who i know will be excited as they are famiiar with my journey) and then my parents.

Very stressful things going on, but all I can think about is the fun I had earlier this week with my Rainbows. I took off my glasses and one of the girls gasped and exclaimed "you are so pretty!"  Honest to god, I couldn't make this up. I have never been called pretty in all my life! Except by my husband of course. 

Little did she know, but I was researching getting contact lenses again. Have not worn them since moving to the UK. It will be hard to say no, after that exclamation!


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## Handstitchedmum

Drumroll please...


We have been officially invited to preparation group! Dates to follow soon.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Fantastic news well done x x


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## Handstitchedmum

Although we were offered earlier dates, Hand-stitched Dad and I have decided we want to start prep group in October. I had a nice chat with one of the managers of the Rural Adoption agency. Still waiting on an initial visit with Little City adoption agency. We don't need to decide where to apply until after prep group as they both coincidentally share prep group training.

I feel good about these timescales as it gives us more time to prepare.


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## Handstitchedmum

I have always had vivid, lucid dreams, so am not normally affected. But over the last few weeks, my dreams have changed. Instead of being the usual epic sci fi / fantasy adventures, they have been, well, real. Real emotions about real people and real events. For example, last week I visited my family overseas and grieved my gram. A dream visit of course. Last night I visited primary schools and interviewed teachers with HSDad. Again, a dream. 

I find this change a bit unnerving, although I see it as a very positive change. Rather than being drowned out by intense fear, other more subtle emotions and desires are being processed. 

I wonder if I will dream about my children someday. I never used to dream about my family. The children haven't even arrived yet and already things are changing. "Making space"

The dream triggered a search of local primary schools. I had done preliminary research two years ago. HSDad and I both agree that we would like to send our children to a diverse school, with other kids that have had tough life experiences, so that they "fit in" better. Having been severely bullied myself, I do worry about how our kids will fit into the "posh" area we currently live in. My parents moved us to a "posh" area to give us a "better" life and it was awful for me. I am determined to be a responsive parent who measures quality based on experience rather than statistics and money.


We are lucky that there is very good provision for SEN specialist schools in our area. But you have to go further afield for diversity. HSDad and I are really questioning whether we should move closer to Big City. It is further from family and friends, but cheaper, closer to our work, and has a better diversity.

As we don't have children yet, I am unsure how to make these decisions.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I'm not sure you can make those decisions until you have the children and know what unique qualities the bring with them.  We have looked at schools and the local village school seems lovely, for a birth child, but I worry that it will be too 'white middle class' for our LO and perhaps going a little further to a bigger school will be a better option.  We will interview all the head teachers once we need to put his hame down.  It's a really hard choice but I agree, for our children to really achieve they will need to feel accepted first, so that is more important than outstanding OFSTED reports in my mind.  

Luckily the local senior school, to which a coach goes from our village, is excellent and fairly large and I know has had adopted children there in the past, so I hope it is still as good once Bluebird needs to be thinking about that move. 

I have always had vivd dreams too, and I usually remember them quite well.  Like you, lately I have been dreaming about LO's, our family, decisions... That's once I can actually go to sleep and I don't have shopping lists and lists of household jobs running through my head! xxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Thanks AuntieKatie 

I wish we could wait until the children were placed, but we need to move before that. So, as much as possible, we need to anticipate our child's needs and give ourselves the flexibility to meet those needs. Presently, we don't have much flexibility, so any move would be an improvement.

That said, the social worker from Little City was absolutely in love with our village and home. He kept interrupting our viability assessment to exclaim something about it and then state how nice it would be for an adopted child. I think even the cracks and general wear and tear impressed him, as he could see we took pride in our home but were not precious about things. He was a bit over the top, to be honest! I think he was a bit gutted when we said we were planning on moving to a bigger house, but he could see it was necessary. I think he was actually thinking about the sibling groups on his books, and maybe that out-weighed any sense of loss of our 'lovely village home'.

I know I am posting in the middle of the night, but I cannot sleep. I have been ill all week and had a bad migraine today. I passed out this afternoon (cannot call it sleep!) for hours and now cannot sleep. Should probably take some more pain medication. Sleep is very important. :-(

That is it now. No more meetings until prep group later this year. Time to relax and concentrate on us.


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## Handstitchedmum

It has not been my week. 

On top of being ill, I have just learned that my therapist is leaving work for health reasons. There is no one else in our area who does this sort of therapy so I have no idea what will happen. It will probably mean starting over in an indeterminate time, which will have a knock-on effect on being ready for home study.

Will need to take some time to figure out what this means for me and our journey.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I'm really sorry about that Hun, hope you manage to find someone. Could the person who is leaving suggest someone they know??


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Really sorry to read that things are delicate at the moment.  Stability is so important so it must be a stressful time.  Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling a little better, if not tired today


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## Handstitchedmum

Thanks ladies. We had only just begun the therapy so there is minimal disruption.  There is no way forward without rocking the boat, however. I was hoping for a nice quiet summer, to be honest! Once I get over this respiratory infection,  I will sort things out. It will probably mean a little delay in starting home study, but these things happen! On the other hand, I might not be able to restart this year due to funding, so we could start home study earlier. The adoption agency hinted that the changes in July might mean starting prep sooner.


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## Handstitchedmum

Phew, I can breathe again! Colds suck!  

Being cooped up in bed has been bad for my bank account. I've spent a lot of time browsing ebay and picking out gifts for my family. I love buying things for other people. Though I normally avoid looking at children's clothes and toys, I searched for Boden and didn't automatically choose a category. *whistles innocently* It got me thinking about whether my child would wear these clothes. Strawberry skirts, rugby shirts....

HSDad is dead certain we will be matched with a boy, despite not setting a gender as an exclusion factor. I, on the other hand, think we will be perfect for a sporty girl. Call me stereotypical, but I think there are more sporty girls awaiting matches than feminine boys. And I love HSDad so much, but he is not a man's man. I wear the pants in our relationship and we definitely blur gender boundaries! I imagine this will feature in our PAR and be an important criterion for matching. 

My gut says they will match us with a girl. I have always preferred boys, but when I think of my extended family and our resources.... I think a girl will settle better. It is difficult incorporating the needs/desires of others into such a big decision (your future child) but I have to think of the match from the child's perspective. It will be my first act of empathy for my future child. How will they relate to my family and friends? How will they react to my home, my stuff, my community? ... And of course, me!

I will never make gender an exclusion criteria, because what they really mean is sex type. I think gender identity for adopted children is as complex as the usual identity conflicts. It will be an aspect of their CPRs that I will scrutinise thoroughly. And, over the course of the summer, I plan to think more about my own gender identity and the gender identities of my loved ones.

Boy or girl, if they are anything like me, they love playing football and dress-up.


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## Wyxie

I always enjoy reading your posts because of your attitude towards adoption and your future child(ren). It's very refreshing to read about someone who genuinely wants to find the child that fits, rather than a baby they can mould to fit.

From a purely practical point of view, boys are harder to place than girls, so you may find yourselves presented with more possible boy matches post approval.

When we had our prep course there was part of the course that was clearly designed to have an emotional impact, cheesy videos with child actors talking about terrible things. It had every other woman and not a few men in the room in tears, and I can honestly say the overriding emotion it raised in me was anger. Anger at being treated like I need belting over the head with something in order to generate an expected response. What did really upset me and my husband was the session that was spent looking at real children's profiles, and talking with one of the family finders. Even though there were almost no chance that any of these children would be right for us, I can't look at a real child and feel nothing for the fact that many of these children in reality would spend their childhoods at best in long term foster care, and at worst be in care homes or detention centres before they were adults. That is the cold reality for the children who aren't placed. One of the children in there was a 5 year old boy. We were told that because he was a boy, and he had no younger siblings who might act as an attractive "lure" for an older adopters who'd thought a baby was out the question, he was coming up to the end of his time where he was considered placeable. If he wasn't placed soon, he wouldn't be placed at all and they would look for longer term foster carers. 5 years old and his chance of a permanent family was almost at an end. That was two years ago and there are a _lot_ more babies going into the care system now than there were, so I can't help but wonder at what age boys, or girls for that matter, are written off to permanent foster care now.

Perhaps one less though because of you and HSDad.

Gender stereotyping is annoying, I don't fit, and it makes it hard to form relationships with other women sometimes. I form relationships with men who share my interests relatively easily, and don't seem to have many problems fitting in or feeling accepted, but it doesn't fulfil my need for female friendships because even though I'm not a girly girl, I do need something from friendships that most men don't seem to offer. Not sure if that makes sense.

Wyxling is turning into a bit of a tomboy, and while part of me is thrilled at that (I promise I haven't been encouraging this), another part of me can't help thinking she would have an easier life if she was just like most girls seem to be.

Glad you are feeling somewhat better.

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad you are feeling better   being poorly sucks. x x


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## Handstitchedmum

Wrote a long emotional post but then lost it when battery died, but that's okay. I feel better now that I've gotten that out and less vulnerable too, as it was not actually posted.

Things have been particularly stressful at work, which I could normally cope with quite well, but as things are also stressful at home and with my poor physical health... I am feeling quite fragile. I realised this evening that I haven't seen a single human face since HSDad left for work. I work from home, and I find the isolating aspects of my job very challenging. I am an emotional sponge, and it is now blindingly obvious to me how much I get out of my contact with other people, even just a few seconds. Instead of sharing in other people's days, all I have now are my own. As with the girl with the little curl (right in the middle of her forehead), when my days are good, they are very very good. But when they are bad, they are _horrid_.

I resent this vulnerability, mainly because I have been working so hard on my resilience. It must be similarly difficult to be a parent and have few or no people around to put things in perspective, just with a single shared experience. Who do you go to on a particularly horrid day? When you have done your best and it still isn't enough? You can't control everything. You will get hurt. People on the phone or over email can't see you, exhausted and afraid, weeping quietly in your chair. Children won't understand either, not for many years and maybe never. There must be another way, then, that we survive being alone for hours on end, day after day.

There are no guarantees, no matter how hard we work. I think of all those five year olds without safe homes being written off and I grieve. Why don't more people have room in their lives for others?

Because of my journey, my idea of parenthood has been wrung out and reduced to a very simple scene. Picture one adult telling one child: "I'm not asking anything of you and I'm not making any promises, other than: I will be here, with you, and I want you here with me, too. The rest we can figure out together."

Or maybe that is the constant in all of our relationships.


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## gettina

that's special hsmum
Thanks
X


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Hope you are less fragile today. Some days are overwhelming aren't they. I always find that the next day I feel  much better and less snowed under x x


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## Handstitchedmum

Week has been up and down, but so relieved to report that I have been given the go ahead to continue with my current therapist even though it will be at a new location. How kind of the mental health trust to let me decide whether I was willing to travel an extra few miles to continue with my therapist.   

It has all been very productive so far, although challenging and exhausting as always. I'm very glad we will be continuing.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Great news hun x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Love your quote, about expecting nothing, it's a very selfless way to see the world.  Actually, not completely altruistic as you only want to be there for each other. I hope I can emulate that in some way... Glad you have the continuity you seek.


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## Wyxie

Good news, glad to hear that.  Wyxie xx


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## Handstitchedmum

Just dreamt that HSDad and I adopted a sibling group of four -- one girl 9 years old and three boys ranging from 3 to 7. I sat with them while they were eating lunch. First, I gave attention to the littlest, and he was so adorable, smiling up at me. But I immediately felt guilty, and smiled at the other boys before interacting with their older sister. The older children looked guarded and angry and sad. Suspicious. I felt breathless when I realised I was their mum, and the responsibility and expectations felt like a heavy weight. I went away with my daughter for some 1:1 time, and as we walked I concentrated on my breaths. I knew that I hated the pain they carried inside. I knew there were better ways of coping with the pain. I knew they needed to trust me to start to heal, and I knew I couldn't make them trust me. I felt all of these things towards my children, and it made me sad.  I wouldn't trust an angry, judging, rejecting mother. As backwards as it felt, I knew I needed to accept even the parts I wanted to reject. Because that was how I learned how to trust others: accepting, trusting, myself. My daughter turned towards me. I saw the fight all over her face. I quit the banter, because the banter was getting us nowhere. I looked her in the eye and I said_____________. I don't remember what I said (I wish I did!). I do remember her face relaxing into the pain she felt. I remember thinking: right, this is the start. I can't take away any of it, any bit of her, however much I want to. I didn't tell her I loved her. But I did love her. And we held hands and then I let her go, out into the world. She turned back to me, wordless, not smiling. "Just enough." I thought. I was just enough. We were more than yesterday.

I woke and realised I have no idea how to be a mum. I can't even begin to set unrealistic expectations, because I never really had a mum. I have no point of comparison. I had to learn how to take care of me from scratch, and I am still learning. Is that what will make the difference to my child? That we are on the same journey? 

Or will that be the end of us both? Our breaking point?

Ugh, dreams.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I don't think anyone knows how to parent you just have to read as much as you can. Ponder and learn as much as you can from others advice and experiences and then just give it all you have got. Perhaps not with a sibling group of 4 though. That's a lot for anyone x x x


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## Handstitchedmum

I would say: four at once? Not in my wildest dreams! 

Except it was in my dreams!   We are only adopting one. I'm pretty sure about that.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sounds like a good idea x x x


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## Wyxie

I think the thought of four children placed at once would technically qualify that as a nightmare! 

I agree that we just have to learn, I think being open minded and willing to change your views on how things are is one of the most important things.  I have to say I do think in some ways having a very stable upbringing with parents who set a "good" example of parenting can help, but sometimes it can hinder.  My husband struggles to be flexible because he wants to parent how his parents did, and it does not work with our baby.  I think you absolutely have to be flexible and open minded about how you might parent in order to make adoption work with some children, because you don't get a "blank canvas" or anything close to it.  I think being intelligent helps, and being able to be rational and open minded helps, and having a good idea of how you'd like to parent if your child lets you, helps.  But really, no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy, and I think that even more important is being able to look at the situation honestly and say actually, what we're doing is all wrong for this child, let's find a different way of doing things that might work.  That and being realistic about what battles you can win, which ones you should win, and which ones simply are not worth fighting, in order to allow you to build a relationship with a child whilst also managing often difficult behaviour without becoming the "baddy".

I also think there's also a large amount of managing your own expectations, which will almost certainly have to be adjusted after a child is placed.  That's true of everyone having a baby I think, but especially true when you adopt.

Best wishes,

Wyxie xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

My relatives have historically come in sets of 2, 4 or 6 siblings... With 4 being the most common! I've always felt that the best scenario was no or lots of siblings. Actually the best scenario (for me) is no siblings and lots of cousins, but that isn't going to happen for my child, which makes me very sad. HSDad's family are childless or all grown up, which feels quite different to my own family. 

This weekend is my birthday and I am going to the spa for a mani/pedi !! Decided that I'm going to pamper myself all weekend in lieu of presents and fancy dinners. I am not normally a pampering kinda person, but I do want to learn non-food ways of rewarding myself. My lovely HSDad brought me home a few of my favourite things from the store and made me tea. He even got me flowers in my fav colours. It was so nice to have someone be so thoughtful and considerate.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Happy birthday lovely enjoy your Spa I love a bit of pampering x x x


----------



## Wyxie

Happy Birthday, that sounds lovely.

It is nice to have someone considerate.

My husband is lovely, but the romance never extended further than getting the flowers from tescos and then as he dumped them on the floor with the rest of the food shopping shouting me to come and give him a hand - lol!  I guess I didn't marry him for his charm and he makes up for it in other ways!

A spa day sounds lovely.  I don't normally do the whole pampering thing either, but I do find steam rooms/saunas really relaxing so I am quite jealous!

Take care,

Wyxie xx


----------



## gettina

Happy birthday! Hope you enjoy your smart new nails. They always finish us off so nicely don't they. And if that isn't enough of a treat, well there's a whole spa 'menu' to be tried...
Lovely hs dad. D'you know what, I think he's a keeper!  
I had to put buying me flowers for our anniversary into dh's electronic calendar on annual repeat after several years of rows about his failure to remember I'd like them (and believe me, after the first year I was not coy about it!) even though the actual anniversary itself was already there. It's better now! 

Have a lovely one. X
Gettina


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Thanks for the well-wishes.  

Had another adoption dream last night and took me a while this morning to realise it was just a dream! I really need to stop reading the forums right before bed. Ironically, our adoption plans are starting to feel more real.  

There is so much good news and hope and anticipation and beginnings and love on the forums at the moment. It's infectious. With so many people meeting their little ones for the first time, it has made me really think about meeting my future little one. And then I read someone describe having a child -- their child -- on their knee and I nearly wept, because something inside me just clicked. 

This will be me someday.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

I've never dreamed about being a Mum dreams are a funny thing aren't they. It's all overwhelming enough thinking adoption every waking minute without having it in your dreams, must be nice in some ways though. x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

This last one was nothing special! I ranted at a social worker about something and then felt horrified about "ruining"  our chances. When I woke up, I was racking my brain for which agency he worked for, until I realised it was just a dream.  Phew.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

I would like to officially announce that we have now decided which adoption agency to go with. We were going to wait until after July 1st, when all the changes took hold, but we no longer need to!

We decided against Big City adoption agency after they repeatedly messed up their communications with us. I'm not just talking little mistakes; I'm talking big ones. I have real doubts about Big City's management of personal information. Given that I also indirectly work with many people at Big City, it was not hard to strike them off our shortlist.

That left Little City and Rural. When we started planning for adoption several years ago, Little City was one of the best in the country muchless the region. Now that I have gotten to know them, I know why: they are highly experienced and all about targets. HSDad and I have been dropped off their list at least five times now, because we haven't met their prescribed timelines. Although we both liked the social workers we met, their info evening was all about the numbers: how many children they have, how many people they approve, how long it takes, and so on. It is no big secret that they often have a waiting list of well over a year and regularly turn down prospective parents that other agencies would snap up.

Now, investigating is kinda my expertise, so I feel confident in saying that Little City is not the agency for me. This doesn't mean they are a bad agency. It is important to monitor the service, set standards, etc. and hey, if offered a choice between good parents, better parents, and best parents... Who wouldn't choose best?

But I am not interested in whether an agency meets government targets. The government targets tell me averages and percentages, and not one bit of each person's adoption journey should or can be compared to others, muchless averaged.

So let's just say I put Little City and Rural adoption agencies to the test, and Little City just failed at the first hurdle. If I was interested in being part of their targets, I might have said yes. But, I'm actually more interested in adopting a child. I'm on a journey. And I refuse to be a number.

Shame on the British Government for perversely motivating adoption agencies to depersonalise adoption. I can't wait to formally apply with Rural Adoption agency. They may not meet the government's targets, but I believe they will meet mine. And I am happy to promote them openly and honestly, especially if it drowns out those bloody misleading league tables.

Remember, ladies and gents: you deserve a service which respects and involves you, is open and transparent, and listens to your feedback. It is not a race. You are building a foundation for the biggest skyscraper of a life ever. Do not rush this. Every moment matters.

That said, you have every right to query any unreasonable or unexplained delay, especially where a child is concerned. Some agencies are poorly managed and poorly resourced. Some are just unlucky. Chances are, something will go wrong. So best choose an agency you respect, an agency that respects you, and one you are happy to get stuck in with, for the long haul. And, here's the important bit: *one that is happy to get stuck in for the long haul with you, too*.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

It is now July, which means we are in the new system for assessing adoptive families!

I will find out soon whether we still are booked into the October prep group or whether we will need to do it sooner rather than later. I am hoping that the agencies will send out information explaining the changes, but that is wishful thinking. With all of the changes, it may be too much to ask an agency to be person-centred too. So, I will call them this month to find out what has changed and October will be here before we know it!


----------



## flickJ

Ooh, so exciting - you are nearly on your way        I hope it all goes well for you, and that your agency gets in touch with you soon with the details of your journey `


----------



## Handstitchedmum

We are members of Adoption UK and someone is organising a coffee meet up in the Manchester area. I know a number of us are from the Northwest. If you are interested, please PM me and when I get details I will let you know. Alternatively you can ask for details on the Adoption UK message boards.

HSDad is particularly interested in meeting with more men who have adopted or are adopting. Given how shy HSDad is, I am well chuffed to see him express an interest in this!

In other news, we are planning our big trip to see my family. I am going to do videos and pictures of each family member, to create a guide to my life and family. I will then use this to transition our LO to my culture so when we eventually visit its not such a shock. And they understand what sort of relationships we have and how they fit into those. Basically, prep work for my big family so they can accept the new LO. Setting up lines of communication, etc, so they can feel connected and 'bond' even though we aren't going to visit for some time.

The books thread is very useful as I plan to get some age-appropriate books for each family to read on their own time. I won't be around day-to-day to manage any rumours and field questions so best to leave them with something reliable. 

Also, we are considering adopting a child with autism, so I will be looking at some information for the older children to explain that. This will probably rock the boat a bit, as I'm sure some of my family members could be diagnosed as autistic. ;-)


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

All sounds very productive and a great idea HSM glad your getting the family troops in line   . Have a lovely time with your family x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Starting to plan and pack for our big holiday visiting my family.  Things have been exciting and emotional and  scary, and as soon as we come back it will be time to start prep group. Aaagggh! Time goes so quickly!

We have decided to hire a cleaner. I wanted to see if working from home had a positive impact on keeping the house tidy and clean, but actually the regular 45+ working hours per week is making it worse not better. So we decided to swallow our pride and get some help around the house (that is NOT my MiL).  So nerve-wracking hiring someone to clean the house. But ideally, it will become a routine which helps free up time to do other important things...like going to the gym. :X

Therapy (both physio and psychological) is going well. I really don't know how people become parents without having had extensive therapy. I guess there is no point rocking the boat if you are happy with where you are sailing (or what you are sailing in)?

For me, i feel sick about the sort of parent i might have been without the training I have had in child development or the years of therapy. I feel really grateful for our infertility, sometimes, because had we not considered UK adoption, I would not have done all of this preparation work. It has been a journey without an end in sight, which can be very scary. I am far enough in, now, to say that, whatever the end is, the journey is worth it.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Lovely hope the trip goes well and you'll  be in prep before you know it x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Still haven't told family. After the last few days, I'm not sure we will during this trip. I have been quite ill, disrupting our excursion plans, which has really highlighted the narcissism and resulting neglect of my parents. This has angered and saddened my husband, who knew about my childhood experiences but did not really empathise with it until now. 

We both are looking forward to going home.  Ahh, home <3.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

hope you feel better soon. You could always tell them over the phone / e-mail. I know you wanted to tell them face to face but if they are potentially going to make life harder work for you why not have them find out a a distance? 

Just a suggestion x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

DIY Diva said:


> hope you feel better soon. You could always tell them over the phone / e-mail. I know you wanted to tell them face to face but if they are potentially going to make life harder work for you why not have them find out a a distance?
> 
> Just a suggestion x x


We wrapped up the adoption-themed gifts and are leaving it with them for Christmas. We plan to tell them over the phone when we are closer to approval. We should know for sure by then if things are going ahead smoothly.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Sounds like a plan x


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## Handstitchedmum

We are back home now finally!!! It is freezing here!

Prep group feels very near and I am very excited. I have been thinking more about what our family will look like and I am leaning more towards staying at home and working part time eventually. I simply cannot juggle work and home, and my priority has always been work but soon it will be our little family! I don't really see work holding my attention once we adopt. So it is time to figure out what we can afford and go from there.... 

I eventually want to work with children with learning disabilities as a nurse, psychologist, or psychotherapist. Maybe when I am 45!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Prep is not far away at all now.  Glad you're safely back on British soil. I am going to stay at home and I think I may look into retraining or a change of sector on the other side.  I see it as an exciting opportunity to start again x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

So, seems like HSDad is starting to feel like he wants a younger child, after spending more time with our great niece, who adores him. No really, she just lights up when he visits, and it was so lovely watching him feed her dinner. She is my favourite age (2), and I love communicating with babies, so I would not say no to an infant. 

We have a lot more confidence now than last April, especially in terms with what we want and how we will manage. HSDad will be taking the adoption leave, so I can continue to invest in my job. As I work from home (and make my own hours), I can join them during breaks or meals and also attend any appointments with them. He seems happy with that decision.

We bought some children's clothes while we were on holiday... Just a few things for a 4-5 year old in my family's hometown colours. And a few other things which reference the country I grew up in, like books.

I felt very guilty/ashamed, like I was "cheating" ... Buying kid stuff when we didn't have kids.  It will feel easier once we are matched, as though that is some sort of proof that I hold the necessary qualifications to spend money on stuff for kids. 

On the flipside, a colleague was talking about her kids and I didn't feel a "them" and "me" wall. I casually and comfortably asked questions which just naturally raised the topic of HS Family adoption. It felt nice to talk about it as though it was a part of me and my current life, because it is. For too long, too much of me has been hidden away. I can't wait to be an adoptive mum so people can relate to me better (and vice versa). I know it can be an isolating experience for most, but seriously anything is better than the loneliness I have lived with.

I can't wait to be a family.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So true exciting times ahead HSM x x


----------



## Wyxie

Lovely that you're feeling more positive in general about the arrival of a family (hopefully) fairly soon.

I always enjoy reading what you've written, perhaps because it always seems so well thought out.  All the best with prep.  I found it a huge relief to meet with others who'd been or were in the same situation as us, and have been very glad I've kept in touch with most of them.

Wyxie xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Wyxie said:


> Lovely that you're feeling more positive in general about the arrival of a family (hopefully) fairly soon.
> 
> I always enjoy reading what you've written, perhaps because it always seems so well thought out. All the best with prep. I found it a huge relief to meet with others who'd been or were in the same situation as us, and have been very glad I've kept in touch with most of them.
> 
> Wyxie xx


Thank you, Wyxie. I really appreciate the kind sentiment.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Preparation group is very soon after an upcoming adoption meet up. It is all starting to feel very real now. Between reading about everyone's intros and panel dates, to spending more time with our niece, it definitely feels like we are Ready To Be Parents (cue the dramatic music).

In other news, I am learning a lot at work, which is enormously stressful. I cannot complain, though, as I have an excellent new manager who helps me re-focus when I get overwhelmed.

When life is busy on multiple fronts, I find the best way to cope is to busy up the other fronts to match. This way, work won't overwhelm personal life and vice versa. I'm pretty sure my colleagues would have their jaws to the floor if they knew how much emotionally intensive stuff I was doing outside of work. 

Right. This winter is going to fly by.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Good luck for tomorrow I am sure it will go brilliantly.  Looking forward to hearing how it has gone x x


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

It's today enjoy x x


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## -x-Lolly-x-

Oooh, you're off the mark and on your way!! Have a great day


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Thank you ladies! Today was a great first day. It felt exciting to meet other people on the same journey. We had a nice mix of people in their 30s and 40s with a variety of economic, ethnic and social backgrounds. HSDad and I wrote up our notes once we got home, which HSDad took very seriously. Rather cute!  

Tomorrow I'm going to take the details of everyone else in the group so we can put a group together to meet up and/or chat. I don't really feel like we'd be competing for the same children, as we all seem quite different. One presumes our matches will also be quite different, too?

Plus everyone else seems to want a sibling group.    We are not so crazy!  

Will share more when we finish the second day.


----------



## Sq9

Sounds like you've had a positive start.  You'll get so much from the prep course


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad everyone seems nice enjoy today x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Yesterday was intense. Still processing it and will write a blog post later. We have been working on a new website, but having trouble with the theme we purchased. Eventually we will have all the security set up to post more personal thoughts viewable only by subscribers. I'm thinking also about forming a virtual adoption meet-up (aka hosting a private *******-like social media page on the site).


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Enjoy the second half of prep  x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

We are gathering steam! Going to put in an official application this week and then the timeline begins! April 2014 panel, here we come!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Brilliant news HSM. Xmas 2014 should be with Lo's


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Sorry for going quiet. My lovely husband found out he will need surgery to correct a complication from the last surgery. So we agreed to put the application on hold until that is completed. 

We have decided to consider concurrency (or, foster to adopt) and are looking into the financial implications of it. I am heartened that the gov't is changing the legislation to financially support people who are doing it, but really one is gambling on the court system either way.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So sorry to hear about your dh hope he is fully recovered soon.  X x


----------



## flickJ

Sorry to hear your application has been delayed - my best wishes to your DH on a speedy recovery


----------



## gettina

Oh no - I never thought hand stitched dad would literally be stitched back together again. I hope the op isn't too major and goes totally 100% smoothly with a full recovery this time.

Guess it makes sense to focus on recovery but sorry you are taking time out of adoption - hope it's not a long break.
Concurrency/foster to adopt is v interesting. 
x


----------



## Sq9

. Best wishes to hubby for a full and speedy recovery x


----------



## Wyxie

Best wishes to you all, and hoping that HSD recovers quickly.

Wyxie xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Thanks you guys  and Merry Christmas!!

We have a date for his pre-op appointment and.... Drumroll please.... We finally told my family we are adopting! They opened some grandparent themed presents and the book "Related by Adoption" which HSDad's mum also got for Xmas this year.  Went reasonably well.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Fantastic news hsm. Glad telling the family went well. Hope hsd gets sorted soon so your journey can really get going x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Well, it looks like the surgery won't happen for a few months. HSDad and I were a bit gutted by the news. Plus we found out it is worse than we thought, so he will need open surgery and is at higher risk of complications.     

We also learned at Christmas that our nephew and his girlfriend are pregnant with another baby. We are happy for them, but I do feel somewhat vulnerable at the moment, with our adoption plans delayed. The due date is HSDad's birthday, so he may have to share. 

I am 98% sure that HSDad will stay at home during adoption leave and 45% sure he will leave his job to stay at home full time. The latter depends on whether I get a management post at my job this year. It is looking very likely! That promotion would mean we could afford to have him stay at home full time. I think it is the best thing for our family. Plus he could do contract work easily, with his line of work.

I have been reading FF regularly but trying not to comment, as I want the next few months to pass quickly so we can get HSDad healed and ready for home study. Realistically, it won't be until this summer that we start home study, now.

Good thing I am so patient...


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

So sorry to hear about the complications HSM   . It must be so hard you have been committed to this for so long.


----------



## gettina

Oh no. Poor hsd. And yes, good job indeed that you are patient. Good luck with the promotion. 
Gettina x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Very excited, as this week brings our first meeting with the social worker from our agency. 

HS Dad and I had a special moment this weekend when we went in a baby shoppe and for the first time HS Dad didn't grumble or avoid it/me. I know it seems likea very small thing, but actually it was a sign of a much bigger thing: HS Dad is starting to consider himself a father-to-be.

All we did was browse newborn 'developmental aids' and other stuff. We didn't even buy anything! But we did talk about what we would need when we had a baby... And later on, HS Dad bought his first baby item. That was a huge step for him... Letting himself invest into this increasingly real future of ours.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Ah that's lovely HSM it's lovely when these places that have been such a cause of pain for us are opened up to us. Good luck the new system flies you'll be through before you know it x x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

We are happy so far with our choice to go with a voluntary agency! Just completing our stage 1 checks now and will be attending prep group (again) this summer.

Pre-op done and then surgery soon for HSDad.

I have applied for a significant promotion and have been accessing several development opportunities which will be great help in securing a senior post. 

I might change my name to 'DIYDiva2' though, as will be spending all my free time finishing projects in the home!


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad HSD is getting his op soon. DIY helps make time pass quicker to me I think having something to throw yourself into really helps with waiting. Good luck with the promotion sounds fab x


----------



## Wyxie

We also did huge amounts of DIY.  It does, indeed, help.  

Good luck with the promotion.  Another prep group?  I guess your VA wants you to do it again to be "up to date"?


----------



## Handstitchedmum

We asked to do the prep group again. =) It's a good opportunity to meet people who are at a similar stage. This one is more local to us than the last one, so fingers crossed the people are, too. We really liked the people in our last group, but haven't really stayed in touch.

There will be an additional training day for the fostering, so that's new!

Still no surgery. We are progressing neatly through stage 1, however, with DBS checks, home safety checks, and medicals. 

This weekend, HSDad and I went shopping for pushchairs and car seats. Our first time was in a large specialist department store and we were both grumpy with each other (the side effect of feeling awkward and lost, I guess) so didn't learn a thing!  

HSDad did some research later that night, identified a front-runner and we went back out to a smaller, locally-owned store to take a look at it. So in less than 24 hours, we went from overwhelmed to decisive. And now we have that sorted. Just need to buy it when the time is right!

Picking out a cot is the next adventure.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Things are becoming very exciting now!

We now have a cot and a high chair. The cot was an excellent local deal and the high chair was the one I wanted, also local. (Can you tell I like buying used and local?). I want to be "good to go" once we are approved, and as we are fostering from birth, we won't have the benefit of inheriting the baby's stuff from the FC. We are the FC!  

I started unpacking our baby box into the dresser and now I am officially banning myself from buying more clothes. Seriously, the drawer is nearly full.

Most of it is clothes we bought on holiday, such as local sports team from where I grew up, or clothes that looked very similar to clothes HSDad and I wore growing up. For example, I am the proud owner of rainbow terry cloth shorts a la 70s/80s in size 12-18 months.   HSDad forbid me from buying the yellow plastic visor. Meanie!  

We are nearly finished with stage 1 now. Just waiting on checks to come in. 

The agenda for prep group matches what we did in our last prep group. I am looking forward to meeting people!  Repeating stuff I already knew the first time? Not so much...

STILL no surgery for HSDad.  

And finally, I am a step closer to the promotion. Fingers crossed.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

S shopping is a lot of fun enjoy.  Great news about the promotion fingers crossed it's soon.  X x


----------



## Handstitchedmum

We are so in this for the long haul!!

HSDad has had his surgery and we have had a social worker assigned. Roll on stage 2! We may be approved by the end of 2014.


----------



## flickJ

Oh, that is good news   So glad everything is moving on for you, soon be there now  

I am sure it will all go smoothly from now on, it's all sounding so positive for you both


----------



## Primmer

Great news!


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Thank you FlickJ and Primmer.   We are getting so excited now that HSDad is mostly recovered. That was the last big hurdle.  It is all open roads to approval, now, in comparison. 

Our excitement isn't helped by becoming Auntie and Uncle again recently to a gorgeous wee boy.     We can't wait to give him and his sister a playmate.


----------



## -x-Lolly-x-

Brilliant news all round! It won't be long now, suddenly everything seems to be moving forwards fast! Very happy to hear it


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Things are moving at a pace now. It feels lightspeed compared to our 4 year journey so far, but in reality it's, erm, probably really the standard 'slow' of social services?

HSDad is fully recovered. We have nearly everything in place ready to be concurrent carers. We have an allocated social worker. We are done with stage 1. We've even done some DIY! We're planning our last holiday before we have a placement. I started a new job. 

I'm going to finish our website so that it's fully up and running by the end of the year. I've discovered some sites/apps to share photos/updates privately, but my family abroad isn't inclined to use them. Looks like it will be a one-way flow of information then.... which is fair enough! My life is way more interesting.    

Some other things in the works. Oh yes, such as volunteering as a moderator here on FertilityFriends! I've got all the technical stuff down; just need to become ultra-familiar with the rules.    I'm covering Crossroads at the moment, as the lovely Dame Edna covers the adoption forums.  So, my attention may be a bit diverted at times. 

Anyone fancy a chat catch-up soon?


----------



## Wyxie

Sounds like you've been properly busy.  Chat catch up at some point would be lovely.

Wyxie xx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Thanks Wyxie ... Thursday evening is good for me. I will make a post on the main adoption boards.


----------



## Handstitchedmum

Home study is well under way now and I have to say, despite all the preparation we have done (and we have done a LOT!) .... It is absolutely terrifying! 

HSDad and I knew that the home study would be the hardest part of the whole process for us, possibly even harder than parenting itself, because we are both such sensitive and private people. It is so hard to just blindly trust a complete stranger with all of the intimate details of your life. Your mind says it will be ok; these are professionals. There is a process they follow. It is evidence-based.

But your emotions, on the other hand, are absolutely human.  

I don't think it helps that my story defies the statistical norm. There is additional scrutiny because of my history, in addition to our choice to pursue concurrency. So, ironically, HSDad and I must have even bigger reserves of confidence and resilience. 

There are times during our discussions when I realise our social worker is more nervous than me. He perhaps does not realise this, but he tends to over-explain and defend his questions, despite no challenges by HSDad and I. After the third session, I realised why he does it. It is to reassure himself. He is "thinking out loud" in response to the anxiety he feels about challenging us. Maybe it is not his anxiety. Maybe it is anxiety he picking up from us? But more often, it appears when HSDad and I are relaxed and confident. So, I do think it's his own internal state.

That realisation has helped me to relax even more during the sessions. Much to his chagrin.  

I still do wonder how the social worker will form a judgement about whether I have resolved my traumatic history enough to be a 'good enough' if not excellent parent. Does he really understand and appreciate the complexity of the human mind and body? What, of his own internal biases, will structure his perceptions of us?

So, terrifying, yes. 

But with each meeting, HSDad and I grow stronger and more sure of ourselves. This stage of the journey is teaching us how to seek and cite evidence of our achievements, in addition to finding the words to describe our losses. 

And if the agency does eventually reject us?

Well, as HSDad said, that's not our loss, that's theirs.


----------



## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad it's moving along well xxx


----------



## Handstitchedmum

I regret sharing this, as I don't want to scare off potential adopters. 

I feel like there may be some readers who will possibly think " well if this happened to Handstitchedmum, I have no hope." But every case is different. Please don't let my experience hold you back.



Our adoption agency has withdrawn support of our application at this current time. While HSDad and I disagree with their judgment, which was based on limited (and in some parts incorrect) information, we are absolutely in agreement that taking more time to invest in ourselves will only make us better people and parents. And that is what they are asking us to do, so we can hardly protest. We have therefore agreed to withdraw.

As difficult as this decision is, there are certain benefits. While we really like everyone else at the agency (and we've met most of them), we genuinely disliked our social worker, whose behaviour and communication style did not fit with our personal values (e.g. be kind). We are both so relieved that we never have to see him again. I even bought prosecco to celebrate over a roast dinner this weekend.

Also, during the assessment process, we discovered that our agency was actually a minor, inexperienced partner in the concurrency programme (run with another agency that specialises in both fostering and adoption). If we did concurrency, we would've been passed over to this other, more experienced agency. They are absolutely fantastic, and we've met with them almost more than our own social worker. I'm 99% sure some of my fav people on FF have gone through this agency. We should have just started with them in the first place, but regrettably we didn't know about them until we had started with our current agency.

Finally, our agency now says they are unlikely to ever support us to do concurrency because of my medical history. We only joined our agency to do concurrency. If we weren't going to do concurrency, we would have just continued with our local authority.

So you see, in the grand scheme of things, withdrawing is a bit of a win-win for us.

But still, there is the grief. The shame of being rejected. The frustration of being unfairly judged. We are sad; we feel we are ready and good enough. We know we have the evidence they need (but never had the chance to show them). We are still very confident we are more than good enough to be concurrent adopters, muchless "regular" adopters. We still believe this is our future and we will get there.



It's easy to think, 'I wish my journey was easier..or smoother...or with less challenges, changes or periods of vulnerability.' I get it. *That* journey is easier for other people to accept and understand; especially people who have not yet discovered their capacity to overcome crisis, to develop new strategies, and to become more than they are.

But we _have_ discovered that already. We have been tested (and deeply, over a sustained period of time). We have experienced life as vulnerable people. We know what it feels and looks like to 'sit with' that loss and that fear, to contain those challenging feelings as we continued to live and engage in life ...and to 'recover' aka improve and sustain our well-being. We have an excellent understanding of the components of our resilience and are continually investing in that system and process.

At some point, someone will have to give us a chance, despite or maybe even because of the scars of life we are decorated with. And then another person will have to give us a chance. And then another. Because it's only by living life and being tested that you actually begin to understand how capable you are.

So, in HSDad's words: their loss.


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## Maccer

I couldn't read and run, you sound like an incredibly strong couple.  I wish you all the best in the next part of your journey! 


Maccer xx


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## crazyspaniel

HS mum and dad, sending   as I don't have any useful advice...
Hope things work out for you soon.


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## Handstitchedmum

That's very kind of both of you. 

Genuinely, I am doing well.  

My gut told me the agency's judgment of me was disproportionate; and my investigation has so far revealed that they have made their decision using wrong and incomplete information provided by my GP practice. My GP (who wasn't involved in providing evidence to the agency) strongly agrees with me and will be helping me to put my records right. I am drafting complaints to the respective providers/agencies to ensure the information held about me is correct, amongst other meetings.

That said, we still intend to withdraw, as it is in our best interests. HSDad has to go back for surgery and we are happy to spend more time/money on ourselves before applying to a new agency. 

I have no hard feelings toward the agency for their decision (although HSDad certainly does) -- I can't change them without changing the whole system they work in, and that's not possible for one person. They had every right to set the bar higher, especially in the current climate where courts are putting less children forward for adoption.  We did and still do have concerns about our social worker, but he is no longer our problem. =) And sometimes you need to accept you cannot take responsibility for improving everything.


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## Wyxie

I'm so sorry to read this.  I hope you are OK and I'm so glad that you're not giving up.  

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

I posted a response the other day that doesn't seem to have made it on. Huge hugs so sorry you've had such an awful time of it.  Glad you're feeling strong you're amazing.  Hope you get the apologies you deserve xxx


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## -x-Lolly-x-

I so admire your outlook   Sorry it's not been a positive experience, wonderful attitude and you seem to have some solid plans in place moving forward. Wishing you and hubby all the very best xxx


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## Handstitchedmum

Finally!

HSDad has had his surgery. The more he recovers, the more we feel able to make plans for the future again. I really hope this is it. No more surgeries!

This year is the year we will sell our house. I will get the promotion. We will maybe even buy our future family home. Pilates is helping to reduce my migraine triggers. I will continue to lose weight. 

Next year will be even better! My brother, who just got engaged, is getting married to a lovely girl. HSDad's niece is also getting married. HSDad and I will have lost weight and gained strength (moving house does that to you, but I'm hoping we also join a gym as part of his recovery/prevention). We will be settled into our new home.

That makes 2017. 

We started TTC in 2007, realised it wasn't happening naturally in 2008, and began looking at adoption in 2010, applying formally in 2014. 

Another three years feels like a drop in the ocean, now.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Glad HSdad is recovering well.  Good luck with the plans sounds like really exciting times ahead.  Congratulations on the weight loss xx


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## gettina

All the best HSmum. So glad the other surgery is now behind hsdad. 
Good luck with the move and promotion.

Maybe if you change agency you won't need to wait quite so long?

Gettina x


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## Handstitchedmum

HSDad has been officially cleared -- no more surgeries!!! I also secured an apology from the GP for their contributions to the situation with our last agency. Hopefully they will be more thoughtful in the future, of the importance of ensuring information they share is accurate and up to date. My own GP has been extremely supportive, and we have a robust plan for ensuring the next agency is very clear about my resilience and capability to be an adoptive parent.

HSDad still feels understandably resentful of our last agency (e.g. social worker) and wary of starting the process again. We have talked about re-considering fertility treatments, but in the end, the evidence isn't there. All the risk, plus the cost, with very little chance of reward. On the other hand, we have learned *so much* about adoption in the last few years, we almost know _too much_. We've been witness to some significant changes in the legal systems and to how much social services have been broken by these changes. By adopting, we will be 'investing' in that broken system and we aren't really sure if we feel (ethically) right about that anymore.

This is by no means a value judgment on other people's choices. We all make decisions using different values and priorities and resources. HSDad and I are very driven by our desire to protect the rights of others (perhaps moreso than our desire to have a family), and safeguarding children by placing them in adoptive families, with little to no support, doesn't feel so clearly 'the right thing to do' as it did at the start of this journey.

Is it possible we could be a better parent, by not being a parent at all? That we could do more to protect vulnerable children, to change the course of their lives, and to make a positive contribution to our community, by not raising a single child?

I sit here looking at a deconstructed crib, two boxed-up stair gates, a rocking chair and a storage box full of infant clothes (from 10+ years of spot-purchases). There is a drawer in the spare room full of stuffed animals and toys. A shelf full of children's books. A twin bed. It feels like we have been running in place for years and now the door is open. Do you feel it too? That anticipation, that fear, that doubt, that curiosity, that drive?

There is, genuinely, nothing holding us back now except ourselves.


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## gettina

Don't hold back.
If/when you feel strong and clear enough anyway.
I do somewhat understand what you mean about the system being broken, though I can't begin to know what you were put through. But you clearly have so much to give and taking one child out of that system, and having an impact on its future generations too, would be a massive positive.

Whatever you decide, I am so glad dh is finished with surgery and that what you do next is in your hands and no one else's - so important. Good luck with your thinking about the future.
Gettina x


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## Handstitchedmum

gettina said:


> Don't hold back.
> If/when you feel strong and clear enough anyway.
> I do somewhat understand what you mean about the system being broken, though I can't begin to know what you were put through. But you clearly have so much to give and taking one child out of that system, and having an impact on its future generations too, would be a massive positive.
> 
> Whatever you decide, I am so glad dh is finished with surgery and that what you do next is in your hands and no one else's - so important. Good luck with your thinking about the future.
> Gettina x


Thanks Gettina, I appreciate the support. We are in need of cheerleaders at the moment!


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## Handstitchedmum

Recently, HSDad and I spent the day caring for our niece, who absolutely adores my husband. It is so adorable to see. I love 'testing out' skills I've learned as part of the adoption prep, to encourage emotional resilience and attachment. They really do work. It is such an amazing experience to watch a little person grow.

It was also a good test of how HSDad and I might communicate with and support each other, as parents in the future.

We haven't yet made a decision about adoption but we have made a decision about moving house to be closer to family, which a big step towards adoption. To be fair, it is a decision we are making, with adoption in mind, so perhaps we _have_ made a decision about adopting.


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## Handstitchedmum

Struggling with reduced autonomy in my new role at work. I realised today that I have enjoyed a high level of independence in my past roles and my happiness at work is inversely related to the level of micro-management I experience. 

Also struggling with a new medication which alters my hormones. This has a significant (e.g. Noticeable) effect on my personality and moods, making me more aggressive and more anxious/sad in response to life events. Think perpetual PMD! I am glad the medications are serving their primary purpose, but I think I will need to stop them if the side effects do not improve at the end of the three months. 

My new nephew is due this autumn. I can't tell whether I am this sad because of this trigger or because the medication is making me especially vulnerable to sadness.    Trying to (and succeeding in) just let it wash over me rather than get trapped into a cycle of unproductive thinking. No amount of thoughts will change the fact that my brother is starting his family, nearly five thousand miles away. What little attention I did get from my parents (also many miles away) is dwindling. 

I remind myself that I am someone worth knowing, even without children. And I am! I have grown so much in the last five years; I am literally a stranger to my parents and brother. They have not been here; they have not shared in my experiences. We have grown, and continue to grow, apart. 

These different losses are woven tightly together. And still I discover new facets. 

I feel like.. a disappointment. Among many other, much more positive feelings, wrapped around a sinew of survival. For I am a desert creature, raised in an emotional drought; I have learned to persist, to flex when the wind blows, to drop my leaves in the fall with minimal protest, and to lean towards the sun.  To seek out every drop of life-sustaining water and, when none exists, to make my own. I am both mother and daughter. I raised me. I am the person I run to when times get tough.  

Five years ago, I was as bad a parent as my own, but now I have replaced that bad programming with better code. Acceptance, kindness, mindfulness.. These lead to empathy, forgiveness, and authenticity. With these new traits, lasting friendships and connections take root. And from this network, resilience blooms.

I have to believe that other people will believe in me, when the time next comes to make a judgment about our ability to adopt. Because otherwise, what are we fighting for? Why do we even bother trying to safeguard, much less invest in, these vulnerable children? 

"I like myself much more now"

I trust myself much more now. And isn't that a funny turn? Year after year of therapists demanding my trust in them so they could give me space to heal... When the real answer was learning to trust in myself, so I was able to make space for others.

It is regrettable that so much of this improvement journey was on my own. I think there was a real opportunity for me to develop some solid attachments with proper adults. This would make it easier for professionals to trust in me, because even they are human, and we humans give unreasonable weight to the opinion of others. Affiliation bias comes to mind. 

I appreciate the importance of shared emotional experiences, to bring people together. As adults, it often feels like we have to move mountains to be with someone at the right time, to experience that true emotional authenticity. Was it always this hard? Or are our modern habits  (e.g. Social media) getting in the way of us developing deep relationships -- you know, the kind that change you and the way you see the world?

"I see you."

I find myself thirst for those moments. It is what I want most from raising a child: that intensity of gaze, that intimacy of emotional exchange. Really being there. Really seeing someone and, eventually, seeing their acceptance of and security in, that gaze, that presence. 

Yes, the principles of secure attachment.  

We are closer to moving house, having arranged the purchase of the new one. HSDad and I have been eerily productive these last few weeks, and it looks like we may be able to make a decision about adoption as early as Christmas this year. That fits neatly in the "take a year off" request of our last agency, but we are not re-applying to them, for many reasons.

In reality, with our planned renovation work, it will be many months into 2016 before we apply again (if we apply again). This will be our ten year anniversary- of our marriage as well as our TTC journey. Our niece will be nearly school age; our nephews will be toddling and crawling, respectively. It is hard to reconcile our desire to be young parents with the reality: we are increasingly older. Every year we delay is one year less that we have with our beloved children.

This is why I have worked so hard to make each of these years matter. So, someday, I can explain where I was, what I was doing, when my child was born. When they were neglected or abused, this is what I was doing to help them: becoming a better version of me. Getting my world ready. Making space for them.


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## Sq9

xx


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## Handstitchedmum

This journey takes us to some odd, challenging, deeply hurtful and wonderful places.

Later this year, I am starting my masters in social work, as a first step in qualifying for early years child psychotherapy. And I can say, without any hesitation, that I would not be in this position had I not experienced infertility, considered adoption as my first choice for infertility "treatment", and, after finally applying, been deferred a year.

You could say I am no further forward in having a family than I was when we first started trying, just under ten years ago. I carry the grief with me, but it is an easy burden now, rarely uncontained. I am starting to see family as a collection of experiences rather than a fixed concept: intimacy, love, attachment, attunement, joint attention, shared experiences, personal growth. In return, "family" has become bigger. Instead of isolation, I feel content in my space station, innovating and upgrading, ready for the next ship to dock at my station.

We are moving countries. A new start, a new adventure. I've moved countries once already so I know what a challenge it is to be an expat (immigrant?). It will be at least two years until we are ready to again consider adoption and then it will be on the terms of our new country. Different rules, different process.

I wish I could've had the journey that I set out to have, but only because I have met some wonderful people who, rightly so, have moved through this process to have their families. And here I am, starting again and again and again. 

You remain in my thoughts, as I continue to read the adoption boards, and I am sad to say I am Moving On.


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## Mummy DIY Diva

You're an amazing and adaptable person.  Wow SW in order to get to psychotherapy is a huge step sounds brilliant move for you.  Our clinical psychologist for DD is my sanity only professional who understands my life. I think whatever you decide you'll be fantastic.  I am sorry your journey is so full of obstacles.  Wish I had magic wise words but I know there's nothing ypu won't have thought yourself.  Xx


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