# Rejected as Foster Parents - so frustrated!!



## michelle.v

Hi Guys

Had some really bad news today and need some words of wisdom! 

We applied to become foster parents in Jan this year, we have been on the course and been through weekly visits from our SW for months (one a week for about 3 to 4 hours).  SW has been to see our 2 references for 2 hours each and we have asked 6 different friends and family to write a personal ref for us.  We were due to go to panel 24th Oct which was delayed due to an issue with DH medical report.

Since then SW has asked us to complete a family tree - which we did and she has come back to us that someone on DH side has had children put into care in the past.  This we had no knowledge of as we do not have any contact with this person, we dont know why they have been taken into care or where they live, we never see them.

This has turned out to be the reason that we have been refused, we are in disbelief!  If it was someone that we had regular contact with, or even infrequent contact with we could maybe understand but this is someone that I have never met and we never EVER see.

So gutted, we have moved house to have spare bedrooms, I have changed my hours in work and all for nothing    

The most devestating thing is that any child placed with us would be loved and cared for as if they were our own, why is it anything that we do to try and have more children never works out   

I am sorry - I needed to offload.

Does anyone know if we are declined for Fostering would this be the same outcome for Adoption?  Also if we are declined with LA will this be the same with an agency?

Any comments would be appreciated

Michellexxx


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## MrsYG

Michelle, firstly I am so sorry that this has happened to you.  I cannot believe it, it seems so unnecessary.  Like you say, if it was someone who would have close contact with any children placed with you I could understand it, but you've never met them?!?!?!

I would be writing to the Manager asking for an explanation, and I would look into other agencies too.  That is so frustrating having spent 11 months seeing the process through almost right to the very end    I think they are being completely unreasonable.

Sending you a big hug, don't give up   

xx


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## apparition

Dear Michelle
I am so annoyed for you. 

    to your social workers.

FIGHT IT!!! COMPLAIN APPEAL.
Talk to BAAF or Adoption UK.

Apologies for the capitals but these bureaucrats make me so anngry - go to the top even if it means David Cameron.

We're behind you!    it will make us all worried.

Apps


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## cindyp

I have to agree with what the others have posted.  Don't take this lying down as it is ridiculous.  The current media attention is on all these silly bureacratic decisions that are sadly still being made.

Good luck.


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## michelle.v

Thank you all so much!

I have had a conversation with SW manager today who has said that she supports the decline.  I got very emotional during the telephone call and I hope that she knows how much this has effected us as a family.

We have got to wait until our Sw has written a report then go in for a meeting with them both.  She did say that we are within our rights to go to panel, however I do not see that this would get us anywhere if the SW who has assessed us for the last 9 months does not recommend us?   

Do you think that we would be turned down by agencies now as we have been turned down by the LA?

Thank you all again, at least I know that I am not being unreasonable!

Michellexxx


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## keemjay

I'm trying to read between the lines on this one..it seems ridiculous that someone you barely know has put a spanner in the works..there must be more to it..like this person is a real risk or something   can they give you more details? probably  not due to confidentiality  
we very nearly didnt get approved because of an estranged (but unfortunately local) family member and their past criminal offence/prison sentence against a child..SS deemed him a risk..i pointed out that at least we knew where the 'supposed' risk was..frankly i dont know if there's a person living down my road who's a risk to us  
i would ask if theres anything you yourselves can bring to the meeting, to show you want to try to work through this..i agree that going to panel without your sw support would be a bit pointless..
sorry  you are going through this..i I hope there is some way through for you

kj x


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## minmouse

Hi Michelle,

Didn't want to read and run.  Some great advice here, it's a tough old process, but keep positive. Good luck with your meeting.

Sending you  

m
X


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## michelle.v

Hi Keemjay,

We have been imagining all sorts of horrible things and your right they cant tell us why because its confidential.  Although Dh is upset that he is related to someone who is a risk to children, it is not a concern or worry for us as we do not have any dealings with him, we dont know where he lives, but it is true, if you know someone is a risk that is even more reason to avoid them.

We will go to the meeting to see what 'links' they have come up with and to try and reason with them but I do feel that it is a closed door for us now.   

Michellexx


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## jade3

Michelle,

I can't give you any advise as i haven't been through it. But this saddens me so much, all the poor children out there that needs love and a lovely family to save them, And they turn you down all because you have distance family that you don't even see have had there children taking into care, i think this is disgusting what has that got to do with you.

I would try adoption, there are lots of stories in the news about this, how there letting the children down as there not finding them a family in the right time.

Also i don't think you should take there answer lying down, i would fight it all the way.

I am so sorry for you, i really feel so sad about this.

xx


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## Damelottie

Michelle

It makes me so very angry    . I do hope you manage to get them to see sense

Lottie xxx


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## keemjay

just sent you a pm hun
kj x


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## tigerfeet1

Hi. Just a brief reply. I am a SW who does this job and I wanted to give you a bit of advice.  I think you need to wait and see the report the SW writes as it does seem an odd explanation for why you would not be proceeding. If this person is not part of your lives then I fail to see why they would pose a risk to a child.  I don't like to make a judgement without all of the information though.  I know you have been very upset by this decision but it is important you keep a professional head on your shoulders as this is what you need if you are to be a foster carer.  This might be worth thinking about when you are dealing with the LA regarding their decision and its important you are able to keep your emotions in check.  If the LA has turned you down, this doesn't mean that a fostering agency would do the same but you would have to tell them of you're application to the LA and it is for this reason that having the paperwork with the reasons will be useful. From the little information you shared in your message, I think that perhaps exploring the adoption route may suit you better. It sounds like you are looking to care for a child for the longer term and for them to become a full member of your family and if this is the case, fostering may not be for you.  Good luck. You sound like you are having a very difficult time and I hope things work out for you in the longer term.


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## michelle.v

Hi All

Thank you so much for your messages, advice and support.  We have finally got a meeting with our SW and her manager on Monday.  

I will def take some positive things to the meeting, thanks Keemjay    and I will keep level headed and try and keep my emotions in check Tigerfeet.

At least I have had enough time to take the heat out of the situation!  Will let you all know how it goes

Many thanks
Michellexx


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## minmouse

Good luck for Monday Michelle,

Some great advice here, stay strong and state your strengths, they clearly believed you to be strong applicants to have progressed so far, I can't believe someone you have nothing to do with can have such an impact.

Let us know how you get on. Best of luck
M
X


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## michelle.v

Hi Guys,

Meeting didn't really go well, they are not supporting our application, we are going to panel the end of Jan but I am not hopeful.

They say there are too many questions and as there is a 'risk' they are unable to support us.

SW manager also brought up that as I was so upset on the telephone she feels that fostering is not for me - I have told them that we did consider adoption however we have not given up on having another child of our own yet and we feel that the love that we have to give would give children the best start in life.  We fully understand that these children would be moving on to adopters or poss back to family but whilst they were in our care we would bring them up as our own. How can a love of children be a bad thing when you want to foster

We will be sent a report, and we are able to write a letter in response to this, but today they did not want to listen to any of the ways forward that we put to them   

Dont know if I can take much more of this anyway.

Wish you all well with your applications and hope you all have a lovely Christmas

Michellexxx


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## Damelottie

Michelle - thats awful. I'm so so sorry    . Please make sure you write your own letter/report for panel. Don't automatically assume it won't be listened to. I'm sure most people think that and then don't go ahead - hence why some bad decisions sometimes aren't challenged. Its very sad if you don't feel that you understand their decisions. Even if you don't agree - at least understanding them would be a help


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## brisvegas

So sorry to read your posts.  I was just wondering if you had googled the person in question or asked around in your family for some 'inside info'?  We all have a relative that loves the scandal in our families. They may be able to give you some insight to help you to fight your cause.

Good luck


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## michelle.v

Hi guys

We have finally been given a date for panel!!!!  It has taken from beginning of Nov to have panel date next week.

Our case has been dropped like a hot potatoe and really put on a backburner.

I have bullet points of the errors in the addendumn and the concerns that we want raised but we have both come to the conclusion that we will not be approved.

We are going to panel for closure, totally shocking system and the way we have been treated is appalling!!!

Really hope you all have more luck in your quests that we have.


Michellexx


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## .45074

Hi Michelle

I have just been reading back through your post. I am so sorry to read about what a difficult journey it has been for you. It must be very hard to go to panel with the expectation of not being approved but I do wish you luck for next week.


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## Damelottie

I wish you alot of luck too. At least i hope you can get some reasons why xx


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## GERTIE179

Just mirror Dame lot tie - lots of luck and well wishes
X x


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## michelle.v

Thanks for your support guys!  Don't know what I would do without this site, helps me stay sane!!!

I will post tue night to let you all know the outcome   

Michellexx


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## LJyorkshire

Michelle - hope you get some answers..and even a nice surprise..it ain't over til the fat lady sings x


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## michelle.v

Hello all

Whe have had a stressful and eventful day - we have been approved!!      

panel went through the major concerns, we answered all their questions then had to wait around half hour while they made the decision.

They said they were impressed by the way we presented our case (even though we did not say anything new to what we have told the social worker or her manager) and that they were happy to recommend us to be approved - we were so shocked neither of us spoke!!!!  You might as well of hit us both in the face with a wet fish      

We have to wait until next week for the final decision by the decision maker so we wont be celebrating until after that, but the social worker who dealt with our case and her manager were both there and they did not look too pleased with the outcome!

Thank you all for your support and advice, it has been an awful 4 months but I am so glad we went today - it feels like a weight has been lifted from us both.

Good luck to anyone who is thinking of or going through this process, I think that we are proof that it is def worth keeping on fighting and not taking just one persons word for things

Michellexxxxx


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## laura0308

Well done you


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## LJyorkshire

Amazing news Michelle - so glad your persistence paid off!


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## keemjay

aaargh i realised halfway through the day that it was tuesday and that i had meant to send a message to wish you well..and then i couldnt get to my computer!
soooo pleased for you..all that reading and research was worth it, well done for not giving up, it takes some strength to fight the system  
hurrah hurrah   

kj x


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## Arrows

Incredible news Michelle! Keeping my fingers crossed for you for the big decision next week to make it all official!
Hugs to you both hon -you both deserve them after all you've been through!


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## skyblu

Hi Michelle, I just read though your post and the difficult journey you have been on.
I am so pleased that the panel made the right decision in the end.
We are going through a difficult time at the moment but unfortunately we cant do anything about it because we have not been rejected just been delayed.
After three years of not smoking my DH started having the odd one when he went out to the pub.
This started when we were half way through the assessment, when he did his medical he admitted to having the odd one.
Now they think he has been dishonest and class him a smoker.
We have been told he has to stop smoking completely for a year before they will consider us to go to panel (we were supposed to go to panel on Thursday) Our SW is going to the panel with our report on Thurday and see if she can get us to panel or if they can reduce the yearly term to six months.
To say we are gutted is an understatement, but just reading your post has given me a little hope that the panel will see more sense.
I hope you have more good news next week when the decision maker gives you the o.k.
Best of luck and congratulations on winning your fight.
Skyblu.x


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## .45074

Michelle


That is fab news! Well done   x


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## muminthemaking

Well done you and dh, really hope that the ratifier can see your committment and determination and give you the decision you deserve x


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## michelle.v

Thanks Guys!!!  

It is sinking in a bit now and I am trying not to get too excited until we know for def next week, but I cant help having the odd chuckle to myself     .  I havent told anyone in work yet so they must think I gone a bit   !

Skyblu     its such a nightmare hun, some of the red tape you can understand but having to wait a whole year     when they put children back with birth parents who smoke?  Hang on in there, you can never tell what the panel will say - we were so positive they would say no!  When did he last smoke? would they count it as a year from then?

Hope your SW can sort something out for you, the process def makes you feel like a criminal though!

Michellexx


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## Damelottie

I am just thrilled to read your news    . Well done. Thank goodness you still went to the panel


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## michelle.v

Hello All,

Not so good news today, the decision maker did not agree with the panel and we have been declined     

Another page to our life story! This process is such a rollercoaster, I have tried not to let myself get carried away over the last week but of course I have been excited and trying to get the house ready in anticipation for something that was not meant to be. ( I do wonder why bother putting people through the farce of panel if their decision has no effect on the final decision?)

Thank you all so much for your support, it really does help to get other peoples perspectives, and I wish you all well with the battle to become parents either by adoption, fostering or IVF, keep up the fight!

Michellexxx


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## shiabni12

Very sorry to hear that Michelle   to you, and I totally agree that it seems cruel to put you threw a panel situation and for the decision maker not to go along with their recommendation, why bother having a panel?? Hope you find a new path for your roller coaster ride and one that brings you happiness. xx


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## Mamaji

Michelle:    so sorry to hear what has happened ....can only imagine the feelings of joy at thinking you were approved to the low when decision makers think otherwise.  Sending you love and hugs and hoping that those that love you are giving you the support you need

love Nic x


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## skyblu

Michelle, I am so so sorry that the decision maker has turned you down  
As the others have said, it beggars believe why we have to go through the farce of panel for them to recommend you and then get rejected. I feel so angry for you both.
As they say, you can choose your friends but unfortunately we cant choose our family.
I hope you have a lot of support from your friends and family who are close to you.

I don't know where you live, but you can go and fight and try and get this overturned. 
I live in Wales and it is called the IRM, where you go and make a complaint if you have been rejected to adopt or foster.
I am sure there is someone you can go to, I know you properly don't feel like it at the moment, but please don't give up on your dream.
Can you try another agency?
I really wish there was something more positive I could say.

All the best Michelle and good luck with the future and I hope one day soon we read that you have won your fight.
Thinking of you
Skyblu.xxx


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## shuvit

Michelle.V
I am new to your thread - I have been annoyed   frantic   upset   extatic  and back down to frantic   through just reading what you and your DH have been going through over the past months
I hope closure (if this is what you both want) will assist you in getting motivated for the next stage of your life
Sending you a big hug - These setbacks are set to try us and will only make us stronger
Good luck in the coming months in whichever road you decide to take 
shuvit x


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## snapdragon

Sorry to hear this. I would also suggest you appeal.

The website you need in case you don't know is www.independentreviewmechanism.org.uk

/links


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## keemjay

oh god, i'm so sorry for you, i feared this might happen   I'm so cross for you, and it brings up what i've said over and over again after it happened to us..panel should NOT send you away hopeful at the end, for it then to be snatched away... no decision should be told to anyone until it has been ratified, you are right, its a total farce and one that should stop NOW   
did they give you reasons?
if you've got any fight left then you should try appealing
so so sorry hun  

kj x


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