# how did you decide to move onto adoption?



## mungoadams (May 20, 2011)

hello ff's. as some of you may have seen in a previous post, we are just coming to terms with another BFN and considering adoption. could anyone give me thoughts and how you made the decision to stop tx and start the adoption journey?

we are finding it very difficult. in my gut i feel i just cannot face anymore tx; and that adoption is right for us. however, we had our review appt yesterday with George Ndukwe my wonderful consultant. He has looked at my notes v carefully and believes i still stand a good chance of a bfp again (have m/c on #3, #4 being a straight bfn). i have pcos and am basically guaranteed to go into ohss, and to get enough oestradiol (and therefore decent quality) per follicle for cycle #5 george would have to let me go into ohss and then manage it with cabergoline. but there are no guarantees as in my bfp cycle we came pretty close to cancelling ET due to OHSS and the embryo quality was not good enough for freezing (and wasnt in #4 either). 

i am finding it very hard to turn my back on ivf from a logical perspective when i have been told i stand a really good chance by a very good consultant. but emotionally i feel i am ready to stop tx.  

thoughts much appreciated. reading the adoption stories has really helped give me hope.


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## Kestra (Sep 7, 2009)

Hi,

We were very strict with ourselves and decided on 3 goes as the statistcs said a 1 in 3 chance of working so we felt we had to give it three goes. Saying that after a horrible number 2 we looked into adoption but decided we had to give it the 3rd go - which we had to pay for - so that we knew we had done everything we could before moving on and the LA like to know that you have def moved on from tx and were very supportive with our decision. I did get pg on our last go but mc early on and we knew we were ready to move on. We were also told I would get pg eventually but I am too impatient for eventually!!  I actually went to VA open evening whilst MC'ing as it was adoption week and there was loads of events on.

I was told that there were 3 main reason why people move on, financial restraints, physical limitations or being mentally drained. I have to admit I could have done a couple more and were lucky we could afford to give it a few more goes but we had made our decision and I needed to feel I was getting somewhere rather than all the maybes TX brings. To me having a family was more important that having a baby (they don't stay like that for long) and looking at my little dude on the sofa now I know I made the right decision. I did miss the routine of IVF for a while - very strange but it does become your life - but once the adoption process started all my focus went on that and I have not looked back!


Hope this helps with your decision and whilst going through our adoption process we made sure we had our summer of fun in our van!! 

Kestra x x


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## jitterbug (Nov 22, 2006)

Ahhh.... they like to dangle the carrot don't they?!

I had 2xIVF, one mc and one bfn. If we could have afforded it, we were all set for 3 cycles but after the nightmare 2nd cycle, both me and DH had definitely had enough - pyhsically and mentally. I was also 37 at the time and I knew my eggs were never of a good enough quality at the best of times so it was time to close the door and adopt (which was always our plan even if tx had worked).

When the decision had been made and I took all the drugs back, I sat in the car and cried but ultimately felt so relieved.

Our little girl came home last summer and we've never looked back. It has been the hardest and the best thing we've ever done. It isn't a walk in the park and it's nothing like having a birth child, but she is OURS - 100% and we couldn't love her more!

You will know when you've made the right choice because it will 'sit' right with you if that makes sense.

Good luck in whatever you decide. x


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

Mungoadams - I've PM'ed you!


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## mungoadams (May 20, 2011)

Hi kestra, jitterbug and MrsYG 

thanks so much for your replies and thoughts. 

kestra yeh i have been told 'eventually it will work' as well but not sure i want my life to be like sitting in a waiting room until my number comes up  its mainly the emotional strain that is making us thinking about stopping tx. i could force myself to do another tx, but i have managed to keep really positive till now and i am not sure i can keep that up anymore. 

jitterbug oh yes carrots a plenty  that is exactly how it feels.. tantalizing me with a bfp which may never be. our problem is largely quality related as well and we have done everything we can to improve it.. although our consultant george has a good plan to try to address it  

my gut feeling is that i want to move on to adoption, but we need a bit of time to let the bfn sink in. my consultant recommended i take 6 months to think it over, but i dont think i want to take that long.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We didn't have any treatment (at least 4 m/c but all conceived at home) and said if we had no ongoing pregnancy 5 years from starting, we'd move to adoption. At least we had money for overseas adoption! In the end we had no pregnancies in the last 18 months and got bored of waiting so our inquiry was after about 4 1/2 years and our prep course dead on 5 years. I definitely recommend a pre-agreed deadline.


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## mungoadams (May 20, 2011)

hey thespouses i am so sorry to hear about your 4 m/c but wonderful to hear you are a mum . thank you so much for your thoughts. how are you getting on now if you dont mind me asking?

yeh we have agreed cycle #4 was the time to review, which is where we are at after acupuncture, hypnotherapy, strict Zita West diet and more meditation that you could shake a rain stick at (i am joking, dont use them hehe) . we had 12 months of clomid too, and although of course i know some ladies have much more tx, for me, right upto to OTD on tuesday there was a huge positive optimistic 'pulse' that IVF could work; as strong as i could want - now there is a big void and a real need to move onto something that feels more positive. i feel v lucky i had a good consultant and feel i have thrown absolutely everything at my IF i could. apart from DE, which is just not for me (I always thought in that case i would rather adopt).

i am definitely not expecting a necessarily easy ride of it, and know that there may be some really challenging times ahead; but feel a lot more positive about adoption, as a gut feeling, then i now do about tx. we have always been interested in adopting siblings if possible, even if we had a birth child. i am a little scared i dont have any experience of children, but dh is a secondary school teacher so that should help. i am thinking about increasing activities with nieces & nephews (who i love and get on with really well with) and possibly some kind of local volunteering. plus family first aid course and life saving course (always wanted to do that!).

obviously i am in shock, exhausted and hormones are all over the shop (as they have been for umm ever?!) , but we have had this review date and the idea of adoption in the back of our mind for several years, so i dont feel i am rushing. obviously we will take longer to decide. everyone close to me i have spoken to so far has agreed adoption could be right for us.


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## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

I had been ttc for years but didn't take it any further. Contacted Gp and was refered and on wait list ivf. While waiting I fell pregnant but had a m/c at 6 weeks. Fell pregnant again few months later with twins. Lost 1st baby at 9 weeks and then went for scan at 16 weeks and baby had died few days before (he had downs). At this point I was thinking about adoption after had given myself a little time. Was just about ready to start ball rolling when letter arrived stating was at top of list.
At this point I was unsure what to do. I called my la and spoke to social worker and discussed process etc and decided to have one try at ivf just to put an end to ttc journey. Ended in a chemical pregnancy. At this stage I advised hospital that did not want to have anymore treatment and that did not wish to take 2nd nhs try.
Contacted la back up and got ball rolling. Have been to info evening and prep group and just waiting for letter for social work visit and hopefully home study.
I felt great when decision was made. I have started some voluntary work to keep me busy and gain some experiance. I volunteer in a male prison in there creche during visiting and also as a schools co-ordinator for childline going into schools and giving talks on abuse and staying safe.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We are getting on fine thanks, Little Man is gorgeous and we love him to bits!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Many hugs for your BFNs, Mungo (did you know Mungo means 'dear friend'?) and keep on being pumpkin-y!  

We had 3 NHS funded cycles (we were entitled to 2, but one was cancelled before EC, which essentially gave us another shot) without a hope in hell of buying any of our own.  We went into cycle 3 having already discussed adoption - I think I needed to know I wasn't running at speed into a brick wall when we started number 3.  I really didn't, didn't want to do number 3.  I coped quite well with tx, while tx was happening, but hated pretty much everything about it.  Turn 3 ended up being our best yet, and resulted in a horrible long-drawn out chem preg, but I felt hugely relieved we'd given it our best shot.

We gave ourself a year out to try and fix some of our financial woes (even NHS funded IVF is a hell of a strain on the pocket, when you've not got much margin of error, and have to travel a long way for tx.  And, let's be honest, when you're a financial IDIOT.  Long story  ) and lick our wounds.  

Then we set the adoption ball rolling.

We have no - nada, none, zilch - regrets, and no 'what-ifs' hanging on in the back of our mind*.  That was what number 3 was about - making sure we'd given it our best shot and could move on.  No-one can decide for you when that point is and when you're ready to move on.    But you're like me, by the sounds of it, you like to gather opinions and mull it over before you come to your own decision.  It's a good approach.  

Looking at Kestra's excellent 'three reasons' I'd say we were both mentally drained and financially broken.

Looking deep inside myself, and with brutal self-honesty, I'd also say I wanted a fight I knew I had a good chance of winning.  IVF was something done to me, with very little chance of success.  We chose this route, and there's a good chance we can get there.  I hate failure - I don't have a healthy relationship with it!

Ultimately, I think you'll know when you're ready to make the jump, and it's important not to have regrets dogging your footsteps.  Good luck, whatever you choose!    (((((hugs))))) 

*Actually, some days our only regrets are that we tried IVF at all.  What a sh!t storm tx is....


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## Lindyloo (Sep 20, 2006)

We had 3 cycles and moved onto adoption because we wanted a family while still young enough to enjoy them (around 40 when starting IVF). AoC's post made me laugh as somedays I regret the wasted time on IVF, but we had to give it a go. 

I know there will be future ups and downs with our DS re letterbox contact and lifestory books that wouldn't have with birth children. But after going through the HS (and now currently another HS for a 2nd child), and the friends I have who have also adopted, it doesn't seem that daunting and I have support around me if I need it. When you start looking at adoption, it can be quite scary, particularly if you're already emotionally drained after yet another BFN. I'd just like to say that once you get into it, it's manageable and the strength you had to go through the IVF will come back in force and help you get through the preparation groups and HS.

  to you both in whatever you decide to do next


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## ebonie (Apr 17, 2007)

Hiya i haven't been on here for a long time, We Tried to catch naturally for years and I had TX and it failed (obviously)   . Asked myself the question over and over do i want to keep on with the TX for god knows how many years and come out with no pregnancy no baby and drive my self crazy in the process. Or do i want to be a mother and go down the Adoption route and have a better chance of becoming parents. Well obviously we took the latter and it was the best decision we could have made, I was 26 and hubby was 33 when our Son come in to our lives, He is ours no i didn't give birth to him but that makes no difference at all. He never grew in my belly but i can tell u he grew in to our hearts, He is the best gift of life we could have ever been given we first met him 7 yrs ago on the 16th may and he celebrated his 10th birthday yesterday. I hope which ever decision you make will be the best one for you and hope you will be as happy as we are  xxxxxx


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## mungoadams (May 20, 2011)

so sorry i have been very rude and not replied to everyone. i have had a err difficult week, looks like losing my job..yikes. who needs money! ? !

AoC sounds like you have been through the mill! tx is soo expensive, and even funded there are still huge gaps  you do sound very sorted  

lindyloo congrats on your ds  yes i ams ure some time  off will help recharge our batteries.. good luck with Hs for #2! does the process seem easier 2nd time around?

ebonie aww lovely to hear from an adopter who is going strong after 7 yrs! happy belated nirthday to your ds! 

hopefully i wont regret the ivf, i think we needed to feel we gave it our very best shot.. i think we have pretty much decided, but i have read some of the sobering stats about outcomes of adoption, so need to digest them for a week or so. spoke to 6 duty sws at LAs, border LAs, and VAs. off to an open evening next thursday and have another 2 booked... doing lots of reading! thanks so much for all your replies. v helpful


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## Lindyloo (Sep 20, 2006)

Sorry to hear that MungoAdams, as if you haven't got enough to deal with. Hope it's good news with the job   

The HS is certainly easier this time round, as they're just updating our last report. But next week our SW wants to see us at home with DS.  It will be interesting to see how he reacts to a complete stranger asking him whether he'd like a little brother or sister!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

You're doing great, Mungo, and good luck with the job situation.


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## mungoadams (May 20, 2011)

hi lindyloo oh thank you  so sorry i didnt reply (again!) hope the HS went well? I am guessing you have had it. hope DS was ok. nice to know it is a bit easier 2nd time round!


aoc thank you. not holding out much hope on the job front, but at end of day its just a job, we will survive. altho right now i am seeing the attractions of being the real mungo (my dog, currently sprawled over half the sofa lol)


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## Lindyloo (Sep 20, 2006)

Hi Mungo

Hope it's not too stressful on the job front. We have our last meeting (and house inspection) tomorrow and then our SW is onto referee interviews. She met DS last week and when he realised she didn't have a baby brother or sister for him there and then, he soon lost interest in her and told her through an old kitchen roll holder that she could now go! 

He did ask DH today if when we had a baby and it grew up, would we have to give it back? And would DS have to go somewhere too when he's older? He's obviously thinking about it all, particularly as SW described it in terms of taking the baby away from mummies and daddies that couldn't look after it. We never talk about DS's birth mother as a "mummy" as it's too confusing so I'm guessing DS is now thinking he could potentially be taken away from us, being his mummy and daddy. We just have to keep reassuring him that he's our forever boy!

How's the reading going? Are you any closer to a decision?


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