# partner incompatability when conceiving, old wifes tale?



## timesrunout36 (Aug 13, 2008)

hi all, new on here and just thought i'de ask this question , is there really such a thing as partner incompatability when it comes to conceiving, i was with my soon to be ex husband for 18 years, i have a son from a previous relationship who i had when i was 15,(he is now 20), for the last 8 years of our marriage i was desperate to have more children so we never used any contraception for 8 years thinking that it would just happen, it never did, and as i had already had a child we assumed it was his problem, so about 18 months ago he was tested and the results were that he had above average sperm, i had checks done like early menopause onset and had scan to check for polycystic ovaries etc, and all tests came back clear,and our gp said she could find no reason as to why i had'nt conceived,my mom said she heard there is such a thing as two people just not being compatible when it comes to conceiving, is this true? unfortunatly we have now seperated after 18 years,not because of the baby issue but because he had an affair, i just feel like my time has run out (now 36). i now i am lucky to have my son and i love him very much, but as i had him so young my mom and dad sort of took over and it became a family affair in raising him,i never got to do it all by myself, i'm just feeling so low about it all, i think this is the end of the road.
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## faithfullyhoping (Nov 22, 2007)

Hi 

Sorry to read about your problems, you must be going through a hard time at the moment.

I'm not sure about being incompatible, but many people are unexplained in their infertility so you could just be one of those. It's a very frustrating category as you have no explanation to pin your infertility on and you end up searching around for reasons for it as you're doing now. 

I hope thinks work out for you.

Faithful x


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## GretaGarbo (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi,

Unexplained infertility is unfortunately more common than you would think. As Faithful says, maybe you're casting around for some kind of reason to explain what you're going through, as the doctors haven't been able to find a problem? Thats an entirely natural thing to do, and to be honest I tend to do it myself too. We're still trying to figure out what the issue(s) are with us.

Please do not feel like this is the end of the road for you, because of your age and being seperated. There are many ladies on this board who are having treatment that are your age or older, in their 40s. It is entirely possible, with the right treatment. There is a lady on the Repromeda (clinic in Czech Republic) thread who, with donor eggs, has had a child in her 50s.

Being seperated, would you consider pursuing treatment as a single woman? Again, there are lots of ladies on this board who are TTC, single and using donor sperm, check out this section of the board - http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=403.0

We live in an amazing world where all manner of things are possible - IVF, donor eggs/sperm, surrogacy, treatments at international clinics, adoption...there are lots of choices and I really hope you find one that is right for you.

Take care and best wishes,

Greta.


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## timesrunout36 (Aug 13, 2008)

hi Greta and Faithful, thanks for replying back, your right you do tend to clutch at straws and maybe over analyze things, i had a really bad day yesterday it just bought up to the surface all my fears of never having any more children, and i don't want  what i am about to say sound selfish or spiteful and i feel really ashamed of myself for thinking it, but yesterday my sister who is 32 announced that she was pregnant again, i managed to keep my tears back when she was telling me and sound really happy about it , but as soon as i got of the phone i just spontaneously burst into tears and cried for hours, i don't now what came over me. my sister was always the career woman, the traveller, and vowed she was never going to have kids because she wanted to enjoy herself without any ties, but 2 years ago she met someone who she fell head over heels in love with, came of the pill and within a few months she was pregnant, she had a gorge little boy who is now 5 months old, and she is now pregnant again, i love my sister to bits and totally adore my little nephew and god nows i do not begrudge her happiness and the lovely little family she and her partner are making, and by the way she has turned out to be an amazing mom, but i just can't help feeling why not me, it was always me who wanted the family life, i'm 36, nearly divorced, no-one else on the horizon, i feel like it is never going to happen for me. i have considered going it alone and have also considered applying to become a foster carer but at the moment i just need to get my life back on track, sort out the aftermath of divorce. i'm sorry if this post comes across as selfish.


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## RLH33 (Apr 25, 2008)

Sorry for butting in but I read the thread and had to respond.

You are not being selfish, it is very hard to cope with secondary infertility and a divorce at the same time can't possibly help matters at all.  I think you are quite right to take time out for yourself, get the divorce sorted and then you can think carefully about what you want to do.  As others have suggested there are lots of options still open to you as a single women and you never know, the love of your life might just be round the corner!!

I do wonder about the whole incompatibility thing, not necessarily for myself as I already have a ds with my dh but generally with regard to the subject of infertility as a whole.  There is a lady on this site who, from her profile at the bottom, tried unsucessfully to have a baby for years, split up with her husband, met another man and then had a baby totally naturally quite soon after.  Her ex also went on to have a baby naturally with his new partner as well so I can't help but think there is some truth in it.

RLH


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## timesrunout36 (Aug 13, 2008)

thanks rlh, i felt so disgusted with myself for reacting in that way, i suppose its more envy than selfishness, i don't now, but like you say coupled with divorce the break down of an 18 year relationship it just seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks, your comments about the lady who had a child with someone else after her split from partner was one of the reasons i posed this question about partner incompatability, as i said my mom was the one who said it to me, mainly because her brother who was with his partner for 15 years and they never had any children despite never using contraception, they split up and  he went on to have 3 children in quick succession with another partner and his ex partner went on to have 2 children with her new partner. i hope your right and that in time when i am ready to enter into another relationship that there is still some hope. thank you


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## vonnie33 (Aug 5, 2008)

Hi there,

sorry to hear about your prob, me and my dp have been told that we are not compatible but the way our clinic explained it to us they said that if we ever decided to split that we could both go on to have children with other people that we are having a chemical reaction to one another. I have also had 2 children from a previous relationship. I do think that there is some truth in this . Wishing you all the luck in whatever you decide to do.

Vonnie


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

You can have antobodies to his sperm, as my friend was using anaoymous donor sperm and this was the case with her but it was easier to change a sperm donor!L x


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## vonnie33 (Aug 5, 2008)

Thankyou, they have advised us to move on to icsi i think because we have had a previous eptopic which they said was a million in one chance in happening so they seem hopefull. So heres hoping.



Vonnie xx


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## timesrunout36 (Aug 13, 2008)

thanks girls for replying, have'nt been on for a while as i have been dealing with my divorce and also trying to find another job,coupled with the impending repossession of my house because mt stb ex is being an ass!!!!,  but i do value your experiences. i really am hoping that i can conceive naturally in the near future, watch this space, just got to find mr right, not holding my breath though


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## sentor09 (Mar 23, 2009)

I understand how you all feel.  I am at the point where I am blaming my husband and I am threatening him with a donor if it doesn't work.  So cruel I know but your know how I feel. sentor x


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