# Changing letterbox arrangements?



## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi

Am looking to gauge your opinions on something:

We have different letterbox arrangements for our kids. We write twice a year for our eldest but only once for the younger two. I hate writing the letters and feel twice a year is too much. I'm going to request it gets reduced so I can do them all together once a year but wondered if anyone tried to change this, or if people think twice a year is going to make any difference for my son, who is who I do it for??

Thanks
Ruthie


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ruthie
For both of mine we only do 1x a year which I think is right for them/us.  When PAS suggested I did 2x a year for DS I refused (this was after it had all been set up for 2 years) as BM wouldn't get any more information just the same but split in 2 letters.
In your case, reducing his to 1x a year would mean they all had the same and would be fairer so I think its a perfectly reasonable request.
OT x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

we were meant to do twice a year for one of our letterbox contacts..even though i kept saying once was enough..everyone else we did letters to was having just 1 a year. I did 2 the first year and then the next year just did one and have kept it like that, i didnt inform anyone..i figured she'd work it out after getting just 1 a year at the same time for a couple of years...and i was right..i now get one back from her at the same time i send hers. letterbox aggreements aren't legally binding so i dont see why you cant change it at all.. 
kj x


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

I've asked so will see what response I get!

Thanks xx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hello,
For those interested in this, I finally had a reply, they said reducing letterbox contact to once a year might be too traumatic for BM, and although voluntary would I consider compromising and doing 2 a year till he's 10. 

I guess I could but kinda resent it, I do it for ds, not for bm. Am I being too hard??
Xxruth


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## Minna (Jun 20, 2012)

Hi I haven't posted it seems like for a lifetime, I have three adopted girls who I have had for five years. I think you should just do what is right for you and your family, one letter is enough to give all the info bm needs I do two letters a year and find it difficult to think of things to write and the girls aren't really interested either. I would cut it down to two but I have alreAdy cut out their face to face contact so dont think I could do that as well.


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Ruth
I'm in the middle of doing letterbox now and this year it just doesn't seem to be flowing!  I was asked to consider 2 letters a year but refused and said it would only give the same info but 2 shorter letters and tbh a year comes round quick enough so every 6 months would be too much.
I'd just do one letter and see what happens, they can't make you write them and as you say, you do it for for child not BM.
OT x


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

do you think BM is going to reply ruth? is she is going to actively participate in the exchange of letters then i could see that reducing it might upset her..if she isnt going to reply then i hardly think reducing it would be overly traumatic   perhaps do as you're toldfor now and see how much response you get and review it in  a year..and btw yes i do letterboxfor my children, not really so much for BM..

kj x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

We do letterbox in order that we can say we made the effort to little boy, because we don't want him ever to think we ignored his bmum or (because we aren't sure what's happened to him) didn't make the effort to find his bdad.  That way, even if we don't have contact in the other direction, the channels of communication are more likely to be open (we can't guarantee it of course, it could be that the letters/photos never reach her etc.)

So it's for her in a way, because we want to be able to say to him that we made the effort.


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