# down day- typical toddler I guess but how do you know?



## Boomerang girl

i have copied this from the other thread but thought i would start the ball rolling

Thanks Karen. I know, if i can be candid? on such a happy day for us(court notification of when we will legally adopt) and as i said things are on the whole amazing, we had a real up and down day today. dd decided to start not doing as she was told and giving me "the look", then if i followed through with the consequence (arms back in buggy straps, lifting her into house when she refused to etc) she hit me. she is totally on target for the terrible twos, and none of it was hard, and i am used to getting throttled at work by the kids i taught (special needs) but i felt so frustrated and then twice i put her on the naughty step and she cried and cried and i felt so guilty, but i followed all the rules and i told her why and we had a hug and she said no hit etc when we were having a hug without me prompting her, so its fine really, but as an adoptive mum i just wonder is she doing it because she resents me in some way? does she wish she had her foster mum back? she is so little and it has been three months and these were just five moments in a toddlers otherwise lovely day but i feel quite down about it. I am sure i wouldn't worry if i had had her from birth.  so there are ups and downs. i had a cry to dh tonight and we are trying to organise her party which is on saturday so i am stressed about that then just for comedy value (she has always called me mummy or mum) she sussed my first name today and kept calling me it over and over. when my friends kids all did that their mums just said no you call me mumy other people call me that, but i kinda thought what if the neighbours hear me saying that i wonder if they think i am forcing her to call me mummy. suddenly i feel all insecure. I know it is just a day and things are brilliant most of the time. i just feel rubbish now. sorry for the whinge everyone.
boomer


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## thespouses

I don't have any advice really but just wanted to say go with your instincts, you ARE her mummy so that's what she should call you!


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## superal

Hi Boomer

I hate to say it but....................she is a typical 2 year old, trying to find her boundaries and seeing how far she can push you & guess what.............it gets harder!!  

Don't beat yourself up about punishing her, the naughty step was used in our house from day one with our DS & when DD was old enough to understand the naughty step she also went onto it.  Now that they are a bit older we "ground" them!

You are a good Mum, you are her Mum & we all feel the way you are feeling at some point in our lives.


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## KarenM

Boomer

As I said on the other thread, I think as adoptive parents, we spend alot of time analysing our children's behaviour trying to read between the lines.

Most of the time we are just, as new parents, getting used to how children test us and respond.  I think how Strawberry is behaving shows she is attaching as sometimes when they haven't attached they acquiese, it shows she has the confidence with you and is comfortable enough to challenge.

Don't feel guilty about discipline, she will soon come to realise that when she is good she gets the praise and attention and when she is naughty she will be ignored and punished. 

You are doing a great job and you ARE her Mummy.  My little one thinks it is really funny to call us by our christian names (although she tends to use the nickname that Rich gives to me which is Gladys!!)  but she always says it with a big cheeky grin and a laugh!!

Hope you are feeling better today
Karen x


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## Boomerang girl

hi girls thanks
i am actually just fine. i have had a teary moment or two but now realise it is more of a mum thing than an adoptive mum thing. dh copped about ten minutes of it tonight when he got home before dd went to bed and he was totally stressed and there i was expalining why it was happening! i know it is why it is, she is just two and over excited about her b'day (which i will delete in a day or two for anonymity) so its understandable. andrea- thanks for your pm. you may well be right. but i am doing ok for now
xx


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## cindyp

Hi Boomer

Glad to hear you're feeling better and what are husbands for if not for us to unload on them.

I think we've all been there and I've come to the conclusion that it is easy to read too much into things.  They are just being typical toddlers.  My DS has driven me to tears before with frustration by being deliberately naughty and defiant but it's just pushing the boundaries.  Also they all go through the christian name thing because they hear us using those names to our partners.  My DS went through the phase with me and I just said "that's Mummy to you!".  As Karen says this behaviour is a good sign of attachment as if means that they feel secure enough to start pushing out and trying to stretch those boundaries.  We were just telling our SW the other day that we had a honeymoon period with our DS when he was really good and then after about 3 months when he felt settled in with us we began to see the real toddler   .

That said it's not always easy being a Mum, whether natural or adopted, and I think sometimes when you've adopted it's easy to over analyse.  I had a real problem in our first year because DS was more attached to my DH than to me, he was more affectionate to him and would turn to him first.  DH and I completely share child care as we both work part time so there was no bias there.  I found it very hard because as a woman I always envisaged myself as the main one to provide nurture.  I started wondering whether it was to do with the adoption, the fact that he'd had so many women in his life taking him here, there and everywhere.  He had a foster Mum, visits to BM, key care worker, at least 3 social workers involved and they were all women.  I imagined that he would always be like that and started to get a bit paranoid that he would never love me.  My DH said that it was rubbish and of course he would love me and he was right.  My DS is a very independent little boy who doesn't like mollycoddling and loads of kisses/cuddles, he prefers male company to female company because he's a boisterous child who likes rough and tumble.  However as he's grown, he and I have become closer and closer and we have a really strong relationship.  It's different to the one he has with my DH but that's only natural and he will turn to me for nurture as much as my DH and is as happy to say "love you" to me as he is to him.  These days the main problem is the more typical one that he will try to play one of us against the other.  You know when you tell them they can't have something and then they go and ask the DH.  We've had to learn to be very good at backing each other up.    

The problem is with us lot is that we are thrown in at the deep end, we are given children that already haver personalities, rather than babies that just sleep and eat.  We have to try and adjust quickly to parenting and it's quite a sharp learning curve.

I think it's good that this thread has been started so we can come and unload and gain some support from each other or suggestions to get more support.

Hope you have a good weekend.
love
Cindy


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## superal

Boomer

So glad you feel better, it is a Mum thing, not an adoptive Mum thing.

If my pm helped, I'm glad, don't worry about it if you are, you know what I mean, things will be fine, just relax, it takes time to get used to going from 2 to 3, no matter how long you've waited.

We went from 2 to 3 with our DS who was nearly 4.  it is easier with a baby than a toddler or young child but I wouldn't have done it any other way.

Congratulations on your court date and your parents coming over for the christening, how magical is that going to be!!   You've got so much going on things will get you down and were all entitled to a little cry every now and then!!

Love
Andrea
xx


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## Pooh bears mummy

Hi Boomer,

Just wanted to say, you are feeling all the normal feeling any mummy feels but it is so true, about thinking sometimes is it due to adoption but the truth is it is just because they are children doing what they do best, keeping us on our toes.

Bug hugs.

PBMxxxx


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## Ruthiebabe

Hi Boomer,

i'm so sorry you've had a bit of a tough spell, but i am so glad you wrote about it here......i've been going through exactly the same stuff with boo. it's exhausting isn't it!

he nearly broke my heart last week. A few weeks ago he ran of the postoffice and was on the road before i caught him. I was shaking for an hour afterwards. It was so hard to tell if he understood why i was so upset, and i ended up feeling that he didn't get it at all. Bt then last week the 3 of us were walkign along and were swinging him (the 1-2-3s) and his elbow pulled.....had 3 hours of hellish visions of social workers swooping down and taking him away, but to cut a long story short we were on our way to casualty with his little limp arm and he turned around and said "Boo naughty..... run out of post office".  i already felt terrible about his arm, but to thnik he cnnected it wth being naughty broke my heart. He managed to put it back into place himself before he was even seen by a doctor, and hasn't had any pain since.

better get back to DH.....there's a G+T being poured with my name on it
xxruthie


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## Boomerang girl

aw girls thanks! ruthie bless little boo!  strawb had a great party she loved all the attention now we have to spend the next week bringing her down off the ceiling!
x


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## Jo

So pleased Strawberry had a great time, and you are feeling better about everything  

love Jo
x x x


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