# BFN



## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

I am sitting sobbing my heart out after getting another bfn ... it hurts so much I can hardly breathe, I feel like my life has ended cos I cannot imagine life without ever experiencing what it feels like to have my own child, its been 10 cycles now and I am in so much pain ... each time I feel emotionally strung out to dry .... I just don't know what to do cos everything else is meaningless without this.. I keep thinking if god knew I was going to have this much pain/heartache during my life why did he not let me die in the car accident I was in when I was 11 .. we hit a lorry so he could easily have got away with it .. just taking me then .. instead I had to go through being raped...losing the one I loved .. I have been such a failure in this life god .. and I just can't do it anymore, this sheer utter mental torture ...I feel like someone has reached in and ripped out my heart .. I can't take anymore .. I don't know what I have done god to deserve this but I truly cannot take anymore     and I am tired of being tested .. just one more hurdle to get over ... all I wanted out of life was a family to cherish .. all around me people are throwing that away and yet I will never know what its like ... will never get to smell my own newborns skin and get a chance to cherish that life ... you torment me by giving me symptoms .. my mind probably wants to be pregnant so much it is producing these symptoms as we speak my ( .) (.) hurt and they don't hurt normally .. why god ? why put me through this agony? how can I believe in you when the god that I think of would not allow such agony ...or maybe I am just clutching at the final straw of belief that you are anywhere at all.. and really I am truly on my own ..I have never felt so alone ... I wish I could lie down and die ..but even that is not that easy ..I feel trapped in my own life and I want to get off ...I can't bear this agony any more..


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Wouldloveababycat-just read your post and wanted to say please please please don't give up and think that your life is over.  Never feel like you're all alone and there is no one there because there is.  You've been through so much already but that is not your fault and you haven't done anything wrong.  Wouldloveababycat- I really hope that you're ok.  Is there anyone at home that you could speak to such as a family member or close friend?  What about a counsellor at your clinic?  Please don't give up hope.  I know that at this moment it feels like there is nothing but you are loved and cherished and people are there for you.  

I hope that someone will be able to give more help and support but just wanted to let you know that we're here for you.  Let me know how you are.

Karen x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Just sat here feeling numb and tired .. a friend of mine has just sent me an e-mail and it has just really piddled me off and shows how she has no comprehension what it feels like .. I should just snap out of it and get on with my life... she is unhappy with her husband and takes her child/another one on the way for granted .. she doesn't realise how lucky she is.. does anyone else feel like they need to wrap themselves in a protective shell when they get bfn's because of stupid insensitive comments from people who have never been through it..


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Cat- you know that we're here for you and if you need anything at all you only have to say the words.  

Karen x


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## kitykat (Sep 21, 2006)

Cat

I always need to hibernate for a while to build up my strength again. You have been through so much - don't give up now. You must be strong to have survived this far. God must have a purpose for you - just sometimes feels like he should give a bigger signpost to it so we could get there faster. 

Love from Kitykat
XX


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

AF has now arrived         guess that seals it ! thanks you guys ..I wish I knew what that purpose was cos right now I don't know      its funny cos as a child everyone used to say she will make a great Mum because I was always surrounded by the younger kids and babies .. I so adored them and it has been my dream all my life and such a huge part of me ..I just don't know how I remove that part of myself ... and if I don't I don't think I can stand this pain..

Cat x


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## lainey-lou (Feb 18, 2007)

Evening.  I hope you are ok.

I so understand where you are coming from, we all do on here.  The pain of IF is unbearable at times, especially times like these.  There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but just know that we all understand and that this time will pass and you will feel stronger again soon.

I think we all suffer at the hands of insensitive friends.  I am afraid that unless you have been through this living hell there is no way you can understand the feelings of failure, emptiness, frustration and helplessness that it brings.

I am sending you  a  lovie.  Have a drink tonight (or chocolate if you prefer) and have a hug with dp, I find that helps soothe the pain.

I really hope your dreams come true, one way or another.  Pm me anytime you want to let off steam.

Lots of love 

Lainey x


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## ☼♥ Minxy ♥☼ © (Jan 13, 2005)

Tried to PM you hunny but your inbox is full 

N xxxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Lainey-Lou thanks hun.. I do feel brighter this evening thanks to all my lovely FF friends .. I am just weary now from crying so much totally drained and funnily enough drinking a large malibu and coke..first alcohol I have had for about a year ! but needed it tonight..and hopefully will help me sleep..

I wish I could take all our pain away ...  thanks to everyone for the huge support I have received .. it does help..Minxy I will go and empty it  

Cat x


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi Cat

I sent you a little message on 2ww board earlier but once I read this I just felt compelled to reply hunny.   I am not surprised you feel so lonely and down, 10 cycles of treatment is an awful lot to go through and you have been so brave to have gone through so much.  I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you will feel better in time and you will feel strong enough to make decisions about your future, whether that's with or without treatment.  In the meantime, the fact that you are able to share your feelings so honestly on here is very therapeutic for you and given time and the support of your FF Friends you will start to feel better I'm sure.

I fully understand the difficult time you are having with God at the moment, I felt just the same after my last BFN, I was very angry with him for a long time.  I know it's hard to put your trust in God blindly when you want something so badly, but just remember that God is there holding your hand through these dark times.

Take good care of yourself hun, how you are feeling does get better.

Amanda xxxxx


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## wishing4miracle (Sep 7, 2006)

ive been following you on and off and want to say how sorry i am to see you get another bfn.   ive been reading about you on your blog on your profile and it must have been hard for you to go through with tx and then you beloved to be taken away.ive got to say you are one brave and strong lady going through tx alone.especailly after all youve been through.i think many of us have big issues when it comes down to what we think towards god.i have a big issue with the fact of all we went through to get our bfp only for god to take it away i see it as being punishment for something but then again i feel everything happens for a reason and we must carry on.weve gone through 8 lots of clomid ,then being told ivf and icsi were our only option and two lots of isci with es to get our bfp in the last 2 yrs and for it to be only taken away.we are not letting things beat us and carrying on with tx early next yr.the pain of infertility is a big one and this i feel is of of my biggest failers but ive got to carry on as its a natural thing to want so much in life.i want you to know everyone has a purpose and meaning in life.i know your other half who pasted on will look down upon you and will you on with what you wanted together and now what you are trying to achieve whilst alone.youve come so far already.you just got to keep that spark alight.dont give up.a little life is always worth fighting for.we are all here for you. 

hayley


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## xmaspud (Sep 17, 2007)

To Wouldloveababycat,

I've just read your post.......to have survived all the things that life has thrown at you proves to me that you are 1 strong woman. But we all need time to hide away and re-charge sometimes. We are all on our own paths here, some shorter than others but you can be sure that the care and understanding will be here for you on this site. Please do not give up, take time out if it helps. 

Xmaspud


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Well made it through a day - hardly seems possible it is only a day since I tested, still have insomnia at the same time BFN or not   so thankful that I found FF cos I wouldn't have been able to make it through this far without all the amazing people on here .. you gave me the strength to pull myself through yesterday when I could quite happily have crawled away, shrivelled up and died.. 

I hope that I find strength to find a way...a positive path ..cos I do feel lost at the moment, lost as to what I can contribute to this life... I used to feel I had a purpose but now can't think what that is.. I need to go and see my counsellor ..amazing lady manages to get my head refocused and helps me see good in myself that I struggle to see otherwise.. and gives me strength to go on and fight the next battle. 

Guess its like I said to someone else recently .. I may have lost the battle ..but I have not lost the war! 

I feel like someone has taken a blunt spoon and is scooping out my insides .. very rarely suffer with period pain so guess it may be linked with how I am feeling.. anyway better go and see if I can get back to sleep !

Cat x


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## Davis (Jul 16, 2003)

Oh Cat - big big   and  . 
Sometimes it can all be too hard cant it. I have just had another BFN and like you I keep asking 'why me'. Some things just dont make any sense, and just dont have a reason. Like you we are all leaning to cope with loss month by painful month. There isnt any reason, but we pick ourselves up again and try again because we know that there is always a chance next month and the rewards are so huge. 
Thinking of you and wishing you lots of love and luck  
Ba
x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thanks hun .. sorry you got a BFN ..   I am not really sure I will be offered anything else after the last cycle of clomid.. cos I am single I won't be offered anything more without having it privately and I can't afford to do ivf etc.. so will be the end of the road for me... at least I have tried as hard as I could I just wish I had part of my DP to live on ..feel almost like I have lost him all over again.. wierd as that sounds!

Cat x


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## Nix76 (Aug 2, 2006)

Cat - always here with an ear for you hun.    

Nix


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thanks hunny ..I may need my head testing but starting my last clomid cycle (unless the dr gives me anymore which I very much doubt!) ..decided just to go for it ..if it doesn't work then the New Year will have to bring new adventures ... so first tablet tonight.. 

Thanks again for everyones support it means a huge amount to me .. and I feel much stronger already today  

I spent the evening with a great friend of mine and we had a proper giggle which did me the world of good..

Cat x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Well doing ok today .. flooding all over the place but feeling a lot brighter and taking the dreaded clomid drugs again lol.. found out today that my SIL (not the one who is poorly) is having an affair and has been for some time ..feel really sorry for my Brother .. some people just do not appreciate what they have got ! 

Talked to my Mum about considering adoption and think that will be the next step for me.. I have so much love to give ..and I see everyday how neglected a lot of these children are. 
Cat x


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## Libeth (Jul 17, 2007)

Hi
I read your first post a few nights ago and didnt reply - but couldnt stop thinking about your post and have been reading it for the past few days.  I think most people have replied saying everything I would have said and I just wanted to wish you well in your next cycle.  I am sure your DP is watching over you every step of the way and I hope so much that this is the time you get the BFP we all dream of. 

Libeth


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thank you hunny .. I feel I have come such a long way since those dark hours, I felt so lost ..and you lovely ladies found me and put me back onto the road of being positive and hopeful again.. I feel truly humble to be around you lovely lot and hope you know what strength you give people, in their hour of need x 
Cat


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Have put you on lucky 7's hun good luck x


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## Libeth (Jul 17, 2007)

Thanks for the 7s!  Think I need them too!  Hope you feeling a bit more positive and energised today.
xx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

I am thanks hun..I have been filling out my application form for a promotion ..so fingers crossed!


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

Cat
I've been folloeing your post. i'm so glad to see that you are feeling much stronger. I think you are one amazing woman. I hope and pray that this is your time. I truely think you are an inspiration.

Christine x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Ahhh thanks hunny   .. I amaze myself sometimes how I am able to spring back and have fresh hope ..probably a screw loose somewhere lol   

I have another scan tomorrow to see what my 'lovely' ovaries are doing .. I should be hopeful as my consultant said they have gone from being extremely polycystic to looking virtually normal and producing good follies ..so for anyone with pcos there is hope on that front ..just need to turn it into a BFP now                 

Whats the next step for you hun ? wish you lots of         

Cat x


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

good luck cat!


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thanks Jo did you see my message re Rosie .. she has had a gorgeous little girl lots of hair and is utterly gorgeous .. thats two girls from the clomid board in as many weeks.. Please god let my other FF's get their dream too x
Cat x


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

We'll try again next year but I'm absolutely terrified. I've never felt such utter desperation, pain and hurt. I truely admire you for how you have found such inner strength to carry on. I hope I've got some reserves of that.

Christine x


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

yeah and just got the message! cant believe how much hair she has! sooo scrummy   ohhh its made my day!


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Christine hunny .. don't be scared   we are here to help you and support you and give you lots of BIG hugs .. it is hard it is the hardest thing I have done in my lifetime and I have had lots of times where I wished I hadn't started it cos it has been so painful ..but I think we get strength from adversity .. I think you need to give yourself some real ME time hunny and pamper yourself and make yourself feel good ..cos it takes it out of you this IF and you have to recharge to be able to be strong ..so make a point of having some fun times and some pampering   and remember that we are here for you if you ever need to let off steam/rant/cry/laugh and we will send you lots of positive vibes to help you get through hunny and who knows it may be your time for a little miracle    whatever happens you have lots of people who care about you and who will be here to help you through x
Cat x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

and your cat is gorgeous by the way .. x


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

I know I just love him! he's called William and he absolutely loves to be loved. Sometimes I wonder if I could divide my love between him and a baby!

God listen to me- I'm so sad!! But at least I'm smiling. Oh god I'm like one of those people in a mental home or on a children's ward- you know when they bring animals in to cheer them up.

I really have gone mad now haven't I!!!!

Christine x


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

sound perfectly normal to me hun! although obviously im on the mental clomid pills so not sure what that means


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Yep sounds perfectly sane to me too hunny x (mind you are now talking to two of the nuttiest clomid chicks on this site   ) 

Its good that you are smiling hun .. take one day at a time and just come on here for a bit of madness to help you through and give that lovely cat lots of cuddles ..
Cat x


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

I've also now started to think I would like a puppy. Is this normal when you've just had a BFN? I want a springer spaniel and have been looking on internet for breeders. DP pleased as he's always wanted a dog.

Christine x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Yes I think so hun cos you want something to nurture and Puppies are cool ..so why not get one yes they might chew up all your shoes but they are so funny and very good company.. I did consider getting a third kitten ..too so I am just as bad .. lol
Cat x


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

erm yeah ive just been through that too! Started off with 2 cats and now got a puppy too.... not sure if its the best choice i have ever made though to be honest   Everytime I get a bfn then I want to get a new 'fur baby'. also had 7 rabbits at one point..... 

I would love a springer spaniel but dh got his way and we got a husky! OMG!   Such hard work!!! Let me know what you decide hun. Depends if you think William would cope with a puppy or not? My cats hate the dog so they're living in the spare room most of the time and i feel bad for them but dh loves the dog so i cant get rid of him (or the dog! lol) 

keep smiling


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Feeling low again today .. feels like get through one hurdle and lots more are put up   feel like I need to cry but can't .. I wish consultant could have told me more what the problem is but all I know is he wants an urgent appointment with me to sort out why my lining is getting thinner and my follicles are disappearing ..he said it was very abnormal


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

cat. im sorry hun, i wish i could help. if theres anything i can do let me know babe


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

Cat sorry to hear you are down today. Hope your clinic can sort you out.  

As you can see from my ticker I went to see a litter today and fell in love with one cute little fellow. He's too young to leave his mummy yet. Can't wait to get him. We're calling him Albert. It's such a lovely feeling to be excited and happy after my absolute deaperation of the last few days. He may not be a human baby but he's going to fill a big hole. I hope William likes him. Jo any advice of introducing my 2 cats to Albert?

Christine xx


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

awww albert looks gorgeous!

i would suggest getting a crate for him (its not cruel at all as it gives him his own personal place to hide and sleep) and then keep introducing them gradually. it will be tough at first but you should get there! also if you have him in a crate then show the cat to him, if he barks then tell him no firmly and cover the crate till he stops. keep doing it till he gets the message! thats what a girl told me to do who fosters dogs ready to be rehomed and she also has a cat so has plenty of experience in this field! 

let us know how you get on!


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

He is lovely hun x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

I am feeling really lost at the moment... feel like my last cycle has been snatched away from me .. and I am left in limboland.. saw one of my work colleagues today who has left to have a baby .. I had lunch with her and cuddled her two week old baby .. she was gorgeous and beautiful and just snuggled into me she was asking me how things were going for me and I tried to put a positive slant on things but inside I didn't feel positive at all .. I don't feel like I fit anywhere anymore .. like I am a piece of jigsaw cut out wrong..


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

im sorry cat   i dont know what to say hun


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## Nix76 (Aug 2, 2006)

Cat - i think I know what you mean.  It's like we're in limbo now that the final pills have been taken.  Just sucks doesn't it.


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

im joining you in the limbo land girls

big hugs to you all   

this world is a cruel horrid place to all the wrong people. it sucks


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Jo and Nix ..hope we get a miracle x


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## NuttyJo (Jun 29, 2007)

ive given up on miracles, got more chance of me winning the lottery and i dont even play it!   

ok i should shhhh now cos im being depressive  

ta for the hug cat xxx


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## Livelife (Aug 28, 2007)

Hello limbo landers

I've just had my mam round for the first time since BFN and I just felt awful. Feel like I'm just some sad case.
We've been away to the Lakes for a few days and I'm fine when away but just hate being at home. Want to run away. I go back to work on Mon for first time since Egg collection and I'm dreading it. 
I've got a friend coming round tonight for some wine which will be nice. But again I feel I'm awful as loads of pals have been texting to make sure I'm ok but I don't want to see them. I can't cope with the sympathetic comments. I can cope with my friend tonight as she understands having had horrific fertility problems herself resulting in hysterectomey at 31. I just feel bad that I only want to see people who have problems so that's just 2 friends.

I wish I could be positive and move on but it's so hard.

Sorry to be so depressing.

Christine x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Christine .. sorry you are feeling poo pants hun x Blimey your friends story puts everything into perspective doesn't it ..cos at least we are in for a chance to get pregnant ..but having to have a hysterectomy at that early age must have been awful for her   to her and every other woman going through this hell .. 

I feel a lot more positive today .. have been reading up about FSH treatments which is what I think I will need next and it looks like they might be able to do that with IUI .. fingers crossed anyway.. I now hav an appointment for the 21st December ..but still going to phone up every few days to see if they hav had any cancellations.. knowing my luck they will say that I need to lose more weight or something.. but trying to keep hopeful...

Cat x


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