# LIES!!!!



## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi All

I know none of you have a adopted child as old as our DS But i just need to let off some  steam and have a rant over constant lies!!!!!!

I posted the other day how I was proud of our DS applying for the navy and felt really bad for him that he had failed by 2 points..................found out today this is just another one of his lies........you don't get told by some much you've failed by but told you have either passed or failed.

The reason we found this out is after the events of last night.............our Ds got himself a little job and we really proud of him but last night he was not home on time so I went to this place of work to find every where in darkness and I managed to speak to someone who basically told me he can't be doing the job he is doing if he is old 16 yrs old, hes lied and told them he is 18 which YES he looks 18yrs of age But does not act it.

To cut a long story short (ish) ...............he turned up r 1am in the morning claiming that the job did not finish till 11.30 and then he had to fill a form in and then walk home hence why he got in at 1am...............the thing is I was out side his place of work and 11pm and it was all in darkness............honestly does he think I am stupid 

Anyway this just adds to the list of never ending lies and it resulted in our son walking out last night........................I feel I have filed him as a parent But i CAN NOT TAAKE ANY MORE OF THE LIES....................If any one knows of any help I can get I would be very grateful I am contacting our SW and the after adoption support team and we will go from there.

Its not all bad parenting teenagers there have been some wonderful moments But these lies are getting me down


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

No practical advice but wanted to send you a hug, you certainly HAVE NOT failed your son.  All teenagers lie but its whether there is something more to it with our children that is worrying I guess and the extent of the lying.  Am dreading the teenage years, DS is bad enough at 3!!

Did your DS stay out all night or come home again?  I don't think even at 16 children think about you checking up on them or how believable their lies are, not that they think you are stupid and will believe anything they say.

He obviously wants you to be proud of him though very silly of him lying.

Hope you are able to get some help and get this sorted.  

OT x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

More Hugs coming    

Teenagers    Why do they do it ay - I was no angel as a teenager and must admit i'm not looking forward to the terrible teens either.

I hope you've both had a chance to clear the air and had a good talk about where he has actually been.

You know your son better than anyone, but do you think these are typical teenage lies or do you believe it is deeper than that?

Hope you are feeling better


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Like the others I can offer little more than   .  I do know that you have not failed as a parent, the problem is that when our children do something wrong it taps into all our dormant insecurities.  Lying teenagers is a phenomenon that occurs in lots of families, I have seen my nieces go through it.  I do agree with what Wynnster has said, as his Mum do you feel there is a bit more than typical teenage behaviour?  I know from my own experience that teenage years can produce very difficult feelings of identity issues even if you do not have the added twist of adoption so it could just be that.

I have been doing a lot of reading in the last couple of years to help us with DS and the latest book that I have read had one basic premise.  There are only two basic emotions, love and fear, and bad behaviour is basically motivated by fear.  The trick is to find out what the fear is.  There was a whole chapter on lying but I must admit I didn't read that chapter because it was a library book and I skipped the bits that didn't feel relevant to me at the time.  

I hope you get the support you need from the After Adoption Support but just remember we are here if you just need to let off steam.

love
Cindy


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Hi all & thanks for the hugs..........I really needed them...................... 

DS came home today after walking out on Tuesday night and YES lots of talks and tears and the under line problem is the lies which have resulted form him not knowing "who" he is and the whole thing about adoption.

We have always been open and honest BUT it seems even when you are open and honest its not enough so we have all agreed to talk more especially DS and we will hopefully get some help and support form the after adoption team.


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

I am glad that he is home and you have been able to talk about it together 

xx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

So glad he has come home and you have had a heart to heart about things.  It is hard enough being a teenager let alone the added issues which being adopted brings  

I hope he/you also get the support needed from the post adoption support. 

xxx


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## Tibbelt (May 16, 2005)

Hello Super honey,

Firstly Im' so glad DS is home and oyu've had a chance to talk and I wanted to send oyu a big big   - teenagers are never easy but I guess we all have to prepare ourselves for the added difficulties adoption may bring - thank you for sharing with us, a god reminder for us all eh?


I also wondered if you'd ever heard of 'candle time' - it's something I've read about and which apparently works very well. You and and the other person sit in a darkened room and light a candle ideally on a table between you - one person gets to talk whilst the candle is lit, there are no repurcussions and everything that is said stays in the room - once the candle is blown out that's it, no more is said - the next time you do it (perhaps the next day( it's the other persons chance to talk. Apparently this method can work really well with teenagers who find it hard to talk about feelings etc. I've never used it but think i probably will as the girls get older...might be worth a try perhaps? 

Anyhow - you are doing a fantastic job with your DS, don't ever think differently, lots and lots (if not all at times!) of parents find these years hard, the simple fact that you are willing to talk about things and to ask for help if you need it shows what a wonderful, wonderful mum you are  

take care honey

lol
S
xxxxxxx


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

It's a quick hit and run post, we are going to the seaside tomorrow so loads of packing  

So pleased you were able to sit down and talk.  Even knowing all the facts being adopted must be a big thing to come to terms with emotionally.  I hope adoption support help you make sense of it all.

love
Cindy


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

So pleased to hear he is home and you have been able to talk.  I hope you are all able to get the help and support you need to get through this without any more walking out and that DS can understand why the lies are so hurtful and not needed.  ((((HUGS)))) again to you all.
OT x


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## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

Andrea - I have been thinking about you, I have no advice to offer, but hope you're all ok 

Fiona


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

Andrea, just seen this post.  How dreadful for you and your family.  Perhaps ds feels he has high expections to live up to with you and dh both being achievers?  It sounds like he lied because he wanted you to be really proud of him ie failed by ONLY 2 points, he has got a job etc.  I'm only guessing but perhaps he needs reassurance that you love him for him and not for the man he is yet to become?  I was reading the other day that we all have high expections from our eldest children as we want them to be achievers and do the things we didn't do for whatever reason.  There is far less expections from the following siblings.  He is at a vulnerable age and being adopted doesn't help with insecurities that all teenagers feel.  That said it is very hard to cope with lies.  I've just found my 8 year old has been hiding his dirty pants and socks behind his chest of drawers in his bedroom for the past week as he was fed up with putting them in the wash basket!  We are having an on-going battle trying to get him to clean his teeth - he swears he has but you can tell by looking at them that he hasn't.  My eldest isn't adopted so I feel lying is just a part of growing up and not necessarily down to being adopted.     to you all


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Super Al

Wish I had words of infinite wisdom for you...but just wanted to say I Hope things are working out for you and your family. You seem to have a good handle on what could be helpful to your son ie the talking about things and getting support. 

Thankyou for sharing this with us - it certainly made me sit up and realise that no matter how open and honest we are with our children we can never know how adoption will ultimately affect them and their sense of self.

Your DS has a caring and understanding Mum helping him deal with all of this...Hope you are taking care of yourself too.....

HHH


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi Superal 

Just wondering how things are now with DS and if yo got any further with the support from Post Adoption?

xxx


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