# no one asks about infertility



## Miss pooh (May 26, 2013)

Hi, 

does anyone else feel like none of the people you have told about fertility problems ever ask about it themselves? 

I don't have much in the way of family and my hubby's family are in another country. So we have only  told a few people the full background to our journey as to not have anyone to talk to would mean we would probably burst.

However none of them ask how things are going or ever bring up the subject at all, even after treatment or investigations that they know are happening, not a peep. I know it's awkward to discuss, but I thought it would be easier than this, which is why we told a select few. 

Sometimes feel quite alone in it all, and get the feeling they forget we are still going through a rough time with this.

Sounds stupid and quite petty when I read this back to myself, but it's just a feeling I cannot shake recently. 

Anyone else ever feel like this?


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it's a tricky one. see for me i had to cope with a father-in-law who wouldn't stop asking about it. he wanted all kinds of personal information in the end i was scared to answer the phone. in some ways not asking is a cause of loneliness but in oher ways at least they're not asking the wrong thing. i don't know. i think i wish there were 'what to say' classes for all. it's not stupid or petty to feel upset because nobody is listening or asking. have you thought about starting an online diary you might be surprised how many people read along and can empathise.  i hope you find a way to be able to talk to someone about how you feel or at least not feel alone about it. good luck.


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## berberprincess (Oct 8, 2013)

Oh I'm totally with you on that one!!! I've learnt which friends are good ( they remember scan dates and appointments and wish me luck at every turn) and which friends who are no longer privy to what's going on. I felt quite angry towards some friends who knew I was gong for IVF but even months on, never asked how it went. I have a sneaking suspicion, they asked the " better" friends how things had gone so therefore didn't feel the need to ask me directly  

I have to say the friends who've walked in similar shoes just seem to " get it", whereas the ones who conceived relatively easily just don't understand, it's not on their radar.

A few years ago, I was probably that bad friend to a few of my close friends. It wasn't malicious or intentional but I just didn't take the time or care to ask how they were getting on. Then I got pregnant and definitely didn't feel at ease poking into their minds asking how their soul destroying treatments were going. Time has passed now, I have learnt and I'm very careful to take time to ask my friends who are struggling too. 

I hope you find the right friends to share your burdens with. Is there anyone who has at least registered what you maybe going though 

I have to say the girls on here are golden. No one says a bad word and are only full of kind words and compassion. 

BP XX


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

I think people just don't know what to say so end up saying nothing at all   

Have you tried looking for a local support group - I met a good friend through doing that and it was good to have someone that understood what I was experiencing x


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi Miss Pooh,

To be honest that is why I have found FF such a god send as there are many people on here who genuinely know exactly how it feels to live with infertility and go through all the stages of investigations, results, treatment, pregnancy, loss etc.  People who haven't encountered any of these things can try to be there for you but ultimately will never know exactly how it feels and some are better at supporting in these circumstances than others.

On my first cycle we told parents, in laws and a few close friends.  we found the friends either barely asked or acknowledged what was happening or were so incredible nosy that I in particular felt completely under a microscope with my every move scrutinized.  I also found that one friend was happily chatting about our progress through IVF to anyone who'd listen at work.  It was also very hard when that cycle was successful keeping news of the pregnancy quiet until we felt ready to let people know.

Given that following our first cycle we felt like we had no private life we decided to keep our second cycle quiet with only parents knowing and we didn't tell them until we had an EC date.  Personally I found this much easier to deal with, I had support from lots of lovely people on here but I could go out for a coffee with friends and not be grilled about everything.  The loose lipped friend was constantly digging for information about when we were going to try again but in the end I just told her I had no idea and didn't want to talk about it.  

If we decided on a future cycle then we'd definitely go down the more secret route again as, for us, it was better but everyone is different.

Throughout this journey you will find friends who surprise you, some positively and some friendships will cool considerably but this happens through life anyway for many reasons.

If you want more support, let your friends know and they'll either offer it or you'll realize they're not that great a friend but just be prepared it might feel a bit overwhelming at times if they ask too many questions.

Take care and good luck

Dory
xxx


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## Blondie71 (Oct 26, 2011)

I found the more open I was the more people talked to me about it, when I was stimming and snappy nobody came near me  people have to be so careful as nothing they say is ever right ie: just relax it'll happen  to the thing we all fear most what if it never does with it being such an emotive subject it is awkward


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## moo84 (Oct 14, 2011)

I would agree with the others that I think mainly people are scared to bring the subject up because they are wary that it will seem insensitive or they feel like they don't understand (either emotionally, or the technicalities of investigations/ treatments) and so don't really know what to say. 

Have you tried bringing the subject up yourself, it might be that your friends are happy to talk to you about it, but would rather you initiate the conversation - if you do that a few times and make it clear it is something you want to be able to discuss then they might well start asking more anyway...

I think it's difficult for 'outsiders' - if they don't ask then it gets interpreted as not caring, but then in other situations if they do ask people feel like their privacy is being taken away, or 'just want to talk about something else' at that time. It's a minefield for all concerned. I think for the sake of your friendships you should try to take the lead a bit and be open if you want to talk about things, hopefully your friends will then follow your lead.

If that doesn't work, then this is a great place to vent and get the support you need xx


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## Jonsgirl80 (Jun 6, 2013)

I think people who haven't been through it don't know how to deal with it - they might be frightened of saying the wrong thing or upsetting you or might think that you may want to keep it private. If you want to talk about it - you might have to bring the subject up yourself. If you need support - ask for it. People won't know if you don't tell them how you feel. If, after explicitly asking for support, they still don't respond, then they are not a good friend

Personally, I told a few people and every time I saw them afterwards it was all they asked about - to be honest for me it got a bit wearing after a while - I know it's because they care but I don't always feel like updating people on all the details - particularly if things aren't going well.

Sometimes I wish my friends would talk to me like they did before infertility and that we could talk about something else. I don't want to be defined solely by my infertility. I feel I am so much more than that.


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## Miss pooh (May 26, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your replies. 

It is a difficult one as I have only brought it up with few close family/ friends. So no one else would even think to mention it, only those outside the circle who ask "when are you having a family? Oh it will happen soon!" Grrrr
We have definitely not had anyone asking too many questions I'm sure of that.

I understand that there are those who don't want to risk upsetting either of us, but the few who know don't even ask if we have seen the doctor or what happens next. I don't feel I need to tell them everything voluntarily but if they were to ask I wouldn't mind saying bits and pieces. Even small talk helps me feel a bit normal about it and less of a taboo subject. I dont see them all that often so I suppose I don't want to ruin the nice conversation. 

I agree those who are going through or have gone through it before understand better. i don't want to think about losing any friends but ultimately know it can happen and infertility/ illness/ marriage issues all make it obvious who the real friends are.


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