# I want my happy mummy back



## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

This is so hard to write but I have to open up to someone or I'm going to crack. This morning my 6 year old ds got upset and told me he wants his old happy mummy back as I he feels I have been miserable since our new ds came home last week.

We are 1 week into placement and I feel totally numb. We have been blessed to be matched with the most beautiful little boy who has fitted in here so well. So what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I'm going through the motions but every day I wake up the weight on my shoulders feel heavier and heavier. I feel so alone. Dh has barely been here due to not getting paternity leave and I feel like I have been left to cope on my own from day 1. I feel so resentful of dh and totally exhausted. I thought I was hiding it ok but my poor ds saying that this morning broke my heart.

I have got everything I ever wanted so why am i feeling like this. Dh has taken them
To his mums today i refused to go as I just need a break. I have sat here and cried since they left and just want to run away. This should be the happiest time of my life but it feels awful. Ds2 deserves so much more.


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## Cranky Angie (Jan 16, 2013)

Jess honey ....
Of course having two is going to pull you in different directions and you are going to have divided loyalties. I ony have one (but 2 stepchildren) but I know how stressful it is even having one and trying to get stuff done in the home so having two must be twice as hard. You have had so much to deal with with finally getting DS2, it's probably all the emotions that are pent up and making you feel like this, plus sheer exhaustion, and if DH isn't helping that's just going to make things worse. 

Of course you are going to want everything to feel perfect now you have achieved your dream and got everything you strived for but you are putting too much pressure on yourself as you are still emotionally and physically adjusting to this new person in the house, it's a big shock!! Give yourself a break, take some time to adjust and just go with the flow for a while. And there's lots of people on here to support you as you go through it. 

Thinking of you.
Big big hugs 
Ange xxxxx


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

Jess honey you're being very very hard on yourself. You're a new mummy to two boys - of course your heads going to be all over the place. Your emotions will be in overdrive. Allow yourself time to adjust it's only been a week hun.  

Take some chill out time today. Go and sook in a hot bath and then give yourself a few hours sleep in bed. Sending you huge hugs hun xxxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Oh Jess! It's very, very normal to feel this way! The first day DH went back to work I cried my eyes out and told him he couldn't leave me alone with her. I was scared, down, tired....I hit quite a low patch those first few weeks and as I prepare from no.2 this week I'm worried about hitting it again. I felt bloody awful those first few weeks. Adoption 'baby blues' is very common. I definitely had a bit of post-adoption depression. I pulled it out of the bag in the end after two horrible weeks,but four months on I often get days I know could be 'blue' so I keep busy, busy, busy and don't let it take hold.

Bear in mind you're only just getting to know DS2 and although you may feel some love, it does take a while. I didn't love my DD at first, how could I? I didn't know her. Love at first sight doesn't really happen as true love (not attraction or strong lust) is about taking the sh*t with the cream....and frankly I only wanted the cream in those early weeks. The tough days sent me spiralling and I'd do and say things I'd regret later, I was way too hard on myself and DD.

The first few weeks / months are hard - lots of lovely moments, but it isn't going to be 'the happiest time of your life' so bin that notion for now, it isn't a Christmas card scene, it's real and it sucks at times. Ride the wave and do what you have to get through - the happiest time is around the corner but don't expect it just yet , I don't think anyone has an easy time at first  Adopting is a MASSIVE adjustment. Me....I've stocked up on wine to get me through this second placement period.

Be kind to yourself and tell DH how you're feeling. I can promise you it's normal. Does your LA do coffee mornings for adopters? If you don't know other adopters in your area get your SW to pair you up; I have a few adopters as friends and we ALL have felt as you do and still do at times, I promise you that.

If you need to PM please do, I so vividly remember feeling as you are now xxx


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Jess sweetie, sending you big hugs (((())))).
A week into placement our sw phoned to speak to dh, it was to check up on me and to see if I had developed the 'post adoption blues'.  Please, please dont think you are on your own feeling this way, it is so common that they did a session on it during prep. As much as our lo was our total dream come true, I really can't put into words how tough some days were. Dh was home for nearly a month and we only had 1 lo, I can't imagine how tough life must be for you, battling on your own and with 2 lo's. I think we've wanted this for so long we sometimes feel we can't admit to feeling sad some days - and that's a load of ****ocks. When you think of the support that many people have when they have given birth and you compare it to adoption it's no wonder it so tough. We can't let anyone else give them a bottle or change their nappy to give you a 5 min break. It is so intense 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for many months, sometimes years. Some days I wanted to find a cave to crawl into. Dh would skip off to work, talk to adults, be able to have a hot cuppa (that he was able to finish - when was the last time you finished a cup of tea)  go to the toilet in peace and somedays I was jealous. The only way I got through it was with military planning. I planned my days to within an inch of their lives, I was so busy that the cloud lifted and I realised that I soon I was really, really enjoying life again and more importantly really, really enjoying our lo. Slowly that planning has gone and now, 5 months in we are so chilled and happy its unbelievable. Yes we have tough days but now I don't beat myself up over them. 

Take care jess and be gentle on yourself xx


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## EveyBee (Mar 17, 2009)

Sending big hugs.  

We are waiting to be matched but I had to post as I felt exactly like this after bc was born.  It wasn't hormones it was just nothing like I thought it would be (we wanted him so badly and went through so much I felt I couldn't moan)-I didn't bond with him and DH didn't have anytime off.  I felt isolated and alone but it didn't last.  

Please don't be so hard on yourself its a huge adjustment, you are the best for both your children.  Maybe talking to DH will help or could he get some time off- holidays or could family/friends be supportive.  

If you had just given birth everyone would accept what you are feeling and know that you need support (2 is a lot harder than 1-as everyone keeps telling us!) adoption is no different-if anything you need more support.  You can't be expected to carry all this on your shoulders.  You will get through this i'm sure(you made through the adoption process in one piece!)  Maybe you could spend some time with your first child doing something you both enjoy?  

Hope any of this is helpful, sending you the biggest hugs x x x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

You are not alone!  4 months in and I still sometimes wake up feeling my stomach sink if BB is crying and up early and I have a whole day ahead of me with not enough planned to fill it.  It's got a lot better but it sure wasn't all baby powder and giggles! I don't think these feeling are different from birth parents, it's such a massive upheaval! It will get better, you know it will, and in the mean time it's a case of, as someone else said, having to 'fake it 'till you make it', especially for your older boy.  Bless him, he loves you and is worried about you.  Be a little bit honest with him, that it's a lot to get used to with everything changing but that it will get better, he's probably feeling similar things. xxxxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

MummyAuntieKatie said:


> You are not alone! 4 months in and I still sometimes wake up feeling my stomach sink if BB is crying and up early and I have a whole day ahead of me with not enough planned to fill it. It's got a lot better but it sure wasn't all baby powder and giggles! I don't think these feeling are different from birth parents, it's such a massive upheaval! It will get better, you know it will, and in the mean time it's a case of, as someone else said, having to 'fake it 'till you make it', especially for your older boy. Bless him, he loves you and is worried about you. Be a little bit honest with him, that it's a lot to get used to with everything changing but that it will get better, he's probably feeling similar things. xxxxx


I so relate to this! We are often on the same page MAK! That early morning cry/yell alarm still drives me mad!


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## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

Mummyelf and wynster thanks so much for your pm's. I feel so bad as I know I have replied to one of you but it's not showing who in my sent mail. Whoever I have missed I am so sorry but really appreciate both your kind words.

Thanks to everyone here who has shared their experience also I don't feel so alone now.

Xx


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi jess,
 I'm in a very similar position to you although BC is a little older so probably understands the situation a little better.
We had extended intros due to legal problems so I ended up doing the end of intros and placement by myself as dh had to go to work. If I'm honest I spent most of the journeys to and from fcs crying and I'm not even sure why.... 

Then there was the guilt, if I spent time with one I felt guilty about the other one!

All I can say is it does pass.....
Be gentle on yourself, having a ready made little person join your established family is soooo hard on everyone but things will improve I'm sure x

Sending virtual tea and cake your way xxx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

I spent 3mths with baby blues even with just the first one! I loved him but the lack of sleep and complete change left me miserable and so seriously sleep deprived! I have people come over when he was asleep just to hug me and so I could cry and they'd give me the encouragement to keep going. I went to one persons house just so I could sleep on her sofa with lo in my arms and be told I was not a bad parent!
Whatever way you'd gotten a 2nd child, the elder would still be jealous, you'd still be stressed and sleep deprived and there'd still be massive adjustments to make! DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF!!


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