# Foster carer visits



## daisy0609 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi guys we recently adopted a 20 month old little girl and things are going fab with her she eats well sleeps well and interacts and plays with us both well. Now we have been told that we need to have more visits with the foster carer to learn how to play and interact with her. She was a bit thrown off when the FC came to visit just a couple of weeks after she left and I don't want the same thing to happen again. Any advice would be much appreciated. 
Thanks in advance


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## babas (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm a bit confused as to why you would need the foster carer to show you how to interact with your little one. From what I know this isn't normal procedure. I'm sure others will have more advice but surely toddler groups etc would be more beneficial.


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

Was this mentioned during intros? Who has decided that you should see the fc to learn how to play and interact? How did that person reach this conclusion?
This is far from normal, yes speak to fc if you needed to check something but not frequent visits. It will be very unsettling for lo.

If there are concerns over interaction then ss should be organising play therapy or getting you to visit toddler groups that are just for adopters.

You need to speak to your sw and get clarification of why this has been suggested, were the concern has come from and how have they made this decision. Once you have this information then you can suggest alternatives or satisfy their concerns.

How did you get on with fc during intros?


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

This does sound strange? I believe it could be quite confusing for your LO if her FC keeps popping up. Maintaining contact is one thing but seeing her regularly in early placement sounds counterproductive to me and you should tell the SWs that the last visit threw your DD out. Did contact go well with your LO? It seems really strange that they think you need help interacting with her if you feel things are going well, and if things weren't going well, I'm surprised they didn't extend intros. 

I have to say in your shoes I'd be set against having lots to do with the FC as I just don't see how it will be helpful given her age, it will just confuse her and slow down bonding. She's too young to understand things or have them explained to her. My DD (21 months) saw her FC a couple of months ago over six months into placement and it completely threw her out for a whole week. Given she hadn't see her since she was 11 months old I didn't anticipate it going that way but was wary as our DD really struggled when our son was placed with us shortly after she was, and I was right to be as it really messed her up for a while.

I'd voice your concerns about it slowing down bonding and confusing your DD - your her mummy now and don't forget it or be pushed around if you don't think it's the right course of action


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## daisy0609 (Oct 29, 2012)

These visits were never mentioned during intros we were just told that she would be here for a visit a couple of weeks after she moved which was done and then a final visit in the next couple of weeks and that would be it. As far as we have been told there was no concerns over the way she interacts with anyone. We got on ok with the FC until she got the moving day moved back as she hadn't said her goodbyes yet. And her changing the way things were going but apart from that everything was fine. Our SW is coming out tomorrow to get more clarification on the situation.
Thanks for your replies makes me feel that I'm not thinking that this is weird on my own!!


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

I know fc do an amazing job and most do an amazing job but it sounds like fc is struggling to let go of your lo.
Do not feel guilty about that, the fc should be supported after introductions and it is down to ss to do this not you.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I'm with loopy on this one....sounds like the FC is pulling strings and trying to manipulate time with LO. If your SW doesn't feel there's a problem then that will say it all. My DD's FC was brilliant, but struggled to let go and was quite manipulative. Stand your ground, say no. Seriously cannot see how this would benefit your LO at all and will more likely muck things up. Stand firm!


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## daisy0609 (Oct 29, 2012)

Thanks guys this has been playing on my mind for a week as our SW has been on annual leave!
Am glad that what I think everyone else does too if you know what i mean.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Brilliant advice nothing to add but to say stick with your instincts like loopy and Elf say. You know best x


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## suzylee (Oct 5, 2012)

Speaking as a FC it is heartbreaking letting go and all FC's struggle with it. So many times I have heard the words " why didn't I adopt her/him myself". 

That said there doesn't seem to be a valid reason for the visit and it doesn't sound like a good idea for your family. Stand your ground, you are in charge now and as long as your putting your daughters need first they should accept this. 

Hope it all works out for you


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

As others have said that sounds very odd indeed and may well be something instigated by fc who could be struggling which is understandable but not your problem so yes stand your ground and do what's right for you.

With regard to ongoing contact though with fc, when my husband and I adopted our son the fc came to see us a month into placement, then 2 months on and about every 3 months from then on until present and we have had lo for 18 months now and he was 15 months on placement. In the early days of placement it did cause upset to lo and for a few days after but as time went on he got used to it and loved seeing them. For us it has worked really well and for our son he has remained in contact with people who loved and cared for him and they have remained in his life which was important for us to have that. Doesn't work for all I know but great when it can.


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