# Contact with birth family question



## pandagirl (Jan 12, 2013)

Hi 

I have been thinking about adoption for a while and dh agreed to consider it also. We went to an information evening, but he was put off by the fact that in UK adoption system there will always be some form  of contact between the child and the birth family and he is not comfortable with it. He is afraid that can create a whole load of emotional and other issues and he doesn't want his child to be contacted by some 'drug addicts'. 

i have read about direct and letter box contact but still don't quite understand how it works. Do the adoptive parents or the social workers or the court decide which form of contact is appropriate? How does this work in practice and has anyone had issues/concerns about this prior to or after the adoption?


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi honey. 

Contact is a difficult one to get your head around. 

The children's sw will make a recommendation with regards to the best type of contact. But it's rarely a formal court agreement. For our little boy it's indirect contact once a year which consists of a letter. No photos. Your address and names won't be given to bps.


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## Treaco (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi, we just turned down a match for a little girl and one of the reasons was the amount and ongoing contact with birth siblings.xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

We're actually in the wait from being approved to being matched at the mo so yet to actually experience contact so to speak.
As Mummypea says the sw usually decide on what's aporopriate. In our experience direct contact is very rare, most is indirect or letterbox (same thing) contact once a year. You would be expected to write an annual letter to whoever you have to provide contact to this may not only be the birth parents it can also be grandparents and siblings as well. The letter/s is given to Social services who will make sure you haven't revealed anything you shouldn't inadvertently and they will forward to the recipient. The same happens in reverse, the birth parent or whoever write their letter and pass to social services who check and forward on. 
The reality is many birth parents don't keep up with contact so it can become very one sided.
Adoption is very different these days to when children never knew they were adopted, you are expected to be very open with your child and be prepared to discuss their birth family and how they came to be adopted.
For us we've always seen this as a positive in that if we have been honest and open enough with our child that they would feel comfortable with sharing any desire to meet birth family with us so we can support them rather than them go off and do it secretively. Of course this is the what we would love to be the case and real life often doesn't follow what we hope so we can only that we've done what we can.


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## happypenguin (May 8, 2013)

Hi from me 

I think your DH may need to really explore adoption a little further (along with your guidance) as there needs to be some 'acceptance' of your possible future LOs past life history.

Letterbox Contact once a year is often Court Ordered however I am yet to see many examples of Birth Parents keeping up their side.

We are adopters via Concurrency and so had met the Birth Parents face to face 3 times a week for many months. It was invaluable.

I suppose I am trying to say don't move forward to prep group or Stage 1 until DH has spoken to SWs/adopters etc about his concerns as Prep Group will want to explore this (& other) difficult issues. You really need to both be at peace with the potential life story of the child.

Good luck x


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

Birth family can't be completely erased from lo's life. Children are removed for all different reasons, not just drugs and sometimes birth mum trys her best but her best isn't good enough and it can all be terribly sad. I know I feel empathy for my sons birth mum and I am happy to keep in letterbox contact, it's only once a year and for both sides it removes some of the questions of unknown that could be there if we had no contact. It's all done through a letterbox team so it's very safe as no addresses are exchanged. We will be able to answer lots of our son's questions and if he wants when older can have an input in the letter writing. We also have contact indirect and direct with birth siblings, doesn't work for everyone i'm sure but for us it's great and I love the fact that our son can build some sort of relationship with them rather than not know them at all. I'm sure if you do some google searches you will find info on the benefits of letterbox contact. Just watch those programmes back 'long lost family' although slightly different as they were mainly relinquished baby's but the children as adults often had lots of unanswered questions and wondering what there birth mum was like and that must really eat away. Good luck


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

We send letters once a year to birth parents and grandparents but have no contact with siblings. Letterbox is not usually court ordered so can't be enforced. We get letters back but I know this is not always the case. We don't feel it's much to ask to let lo's bp's know how he is doing, they have already lost so much. You might find your dh has more empathy for the birth parents after going through the process.


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## Villa181 (Aug 27, 2011)

Hi,

My DH was exactly the same- had all the same reservations around contact etc until we did our training sessions with our agency and then was completely turned round by what they said. We also went to a really good session run by a SW with a birth parent who had had a child removed for adoption- hearing her views on contact was very powerful and gives you a real insight into the 'other side' 

Good Luck


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

My DH was the same until we went on the prep course, you have to accept that you are adopting and that direct and indirect contact will be required. The SW will guide you through it, it's all very daunting at the start but you get so much support from the SW and LA.

Good luck
x


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Like some of the others have said, my DH was very wary of contact before we started process. After all the training etc he then saw how valuable contact can be and became much more open to it. 
We will have letterbox contact and also actual contact with sibling at later date if it's in LO best interests. We are fine with this as can see how would benefit LO in the long run. Picking up on something snapdragon said, I definitely feel empathy for LOs BM. I never thought I would but your emotions and feelings really change once you start the process 
Good luck xx


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

We were advised to do indierct contact (a letter once a year) with the birth mother if she engaged with Social Services and ideally direct contact with birth siblings who are older and adopted together. 

Birthmother has vanished so that hasn't happened but we've formed a fantastic relationship with LO's siblings mum and we email one another every month or two, often with a picture and we've met. She'd like the kids to meet twice a year but I'd prefer once a year. 
Generally it's gone really well and we are open with our LO about everything. 
He came to us at 10mths and he'll be 3yrs in a few weeks time.
Currently he knows: He, his sister and his brother all grew in XXXX tummy. XXXX loved them very much but couldn't keep them safe so his brother and sister got YYYY to be their new mummy forever and he got us. 
When you adopt, you inherit a family, not just the child, in the same way that when you get married you inherit a family.
That background is a part of who your child is and regardless of how much disdain or hate you feel towards the birth parent for the reasons your child is in care, they are still part of their history and you have to think very carefully about what you say and how your present them to your child. When you get the full details of your child's history before you get matched with them, you learn so much about their background. We felt able to understand how our son's BM ended up where she did and so been able to present her in a more positive light.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I think most adopters if they're honest found the contact idea off-putting at the start of their journeys..but you come to realise the benefit of it in the long run..esp once you hear other peoples stories
we have letterbox contact once a year with 4 members of our children's family..BM, BD, Bgranny and a sibling..its no great deal to write a letter and send a few photos. We rarely get anything back, even though I always say 'it would be nice to hear your news'. It doesnt matter though -my children will look in their files when they are 18 and see that I did my best to try and keep the lines of communication open for them..


kj x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Totally agree with the others   I also think contact is important for my daughter because it shows a side of birth mum's personality and gives her a realistic picture of some of her difficulties. This will help ensure she doesn't put birth mum on a pedestal and have unrealistic expectations of the relationship they may have going forward.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Has others have said by time we got to Prep etc we had accepted contact was in childs interests but weren't too sure of Direct contact and would review in each case to see if it was the right match.

We're in an unusual situation that we have No contact at all and it's ok just now as LO is still young but we know it's going to be difficult as he grows up as lots of unanswered questions that he'll never know. Very sad but shows a different take on it as if I was where you/DH are it would've sounded ideal but I'm quite sad for my little boy but we will support him as best as possible and use other ideas to generate some answers.

X


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

If I'm honest I would say that even now dh isn't thrilled about contact. He understands its importance but still isn't overly happy about the situation. He talks to wee man openly about his adoption, about the first time we saw him etc and he fully goes along with contact as he knows its in wee mans best interests but he still struggles a little with his own emotions. this is something I hope he manages to come to terms with as I don't want wee man to pick up on anything. We have direct contact with one sibling, will probably have direct contact with another when she is adopted and at times when we want to. so far we have met them once. we have indirect contact twice a year with bm, bf, birth grandparents and another sibling. 

TBH  and I know every situation is different and many others won't agree, but  before we had wee man and for the first few months I had quite a lot of empathy and sympathy for bm but, as my love for him has grown that has slowly depleted. I would die  for him yet she could have and SHOULD have made so many decisions that would have prevented the awful suffering her precious children endured and as a mum now, I can't get my head around how she could have LET it happen. 
It is because of this that we requested including the birth grandparents in our contact arrangements. I couldn't care less about bm & bd - I do that for our son but his birth grandparents were the only people, other than his foster family and us who showed him any love at all and they would have just been forgotten about and would have known nothing about how happy he is. Seeing my mum with him I couldn't do that. We have received beautiful letters back from them that we will treasure -  bm & bf nothing. 

Flash


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Flash that's a really interesting post and I can see why your feelings have changed. We've yet to get lo home so can't really comment other than as you say we are at the initial stage of empathy and understanding. However I sense your situation is quite different in it seems it's bp's making the wrong decisions and choices yet birth grandparents obviously being a different kettle of fish. 
Certainly with our lo's background we believe the bp's choices in life are because of their own upbringing and grandparents are a big part of that and the current situation so I guess every case is different as will everyone's own reactions and understanding be.
Lovely to hear that your getting a lot back from birth gps though and how precious that will be for your son.


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## pandagirl (Jan 12, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your replies, i found them very helpful! It seems like most people accept contact as something beneficial for the child whether or not the like the idea. I will try to explain this to dh when the time comes. If anyone has come across any books/materials on the issue, pleas let me know. Otherwise, my only source of wisdom will be ff, which i am not sure dh will find convincing!


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## AdoptionDreams (Feb 10, 2010)

We are in the process of adopting a little girl, she has no form of contact at all. Every case is different so don't allow it to put you off at this stage x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Hi pandagirl,

As others have said, it's something that most adopters will have found quite daunting to think about in the beginning, so totally understandable and natural to have reservations. 
You will most likely get a broad range of opinions and experiences on this subject as it will vary so much dependant on circumstances, children's histories, type of contact and so on.

I can only speak for our own situation, but we have annual letterbox contact with both our children's birth parents and one birth grandmother (for each of them). 
Although this was agreed by both sides it's not enforced by a court order, it's just what we all agreed to after guidance from SS on what was best for all. 

Again I only speak for ourselves (as I know we'd feel slightly differently about things had our children been treated badly or neglected by their bps), but both our children were placed with their fc pretty much from birth.
We feel empathy for both sets of bp's, and after learning of their histories we can totally understand how their own unfortunate experiences in life lead them to a place where they were unable to parent a child.
I find writing the letters to be quite an emotional experience tbh as we love our children more than anything in the world, they are wonderful special little people, and being able to feel empathy for the bps also brings a sense of sadness for them as the letters must feel like a double edged sword     
I put a lot of thought into what I write and try to include what I would like to hear if I were them.

Sadly (as is often the case) we have yet to receive a single reply, but we keep a copy of each letter we send so that when our lo's are old enough they can look through and know that we did the right thing by them. 

Looking back to how we viewed things before starting the process (and I know many people will agree with this), it's hard to fully appreciate all the reasons and values for such factors as contact etc, but as you make your way through assessment it does make a little more sense.
I would also say in a funny way it's like learning to drive (ie you don't really learn to drive until you pass your test ) in that a great many things didn't make total sense until after our first child was placed with us.
Yes, we'd accepted everything, but certain things only truly slotted into place with us after placement, and I think that's when you accept and make peace with the parts of adoption that seem so complex and hard to accept initially. 
I suppose it gets easier as you then fully understand the benefit to your children.

All that said, you do get a chance to state what forms of contact you don't feel you could accept. 
Eg, we personally felt we couldn't cope with direct contact with bps, so stated this on the relevant form.  
I would say though that letterbox contact is the most common form of contact, and this goes through a department set up for this very purpose. Neither side have each other's details and the contents of the letters are checked by the department before being forwarded. It really isn't as scary as it first seems when it's discussed at the info sessions  

I wish you all the best, and lots of luck with your journey if and when you decide to take the next step  

Angie x x


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## bk2013 (Aug 15, 2013)

hey all

hope you don't mind me posting on here  - we are not going down the adoption route at the moment but i myself am adopted and didn't know if a view from my perspective might help.  i know i was adopted along time ago (37 years) and back then there wasn't the option of contact with birth families.  i grew up knowing nothing of my birth family and my adopted parents couldn't answer any questions i had and as a teenager i found this very hard.  

so maybe it probably is very hard to decided for LO's to have some kind of contact from birth families please consider how you will answer questions they may have when they grow up.

hope you don't mind me butting in.

x


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

That is a valid point, BK. I worry an awful lot about this as we do not think it is likely we will ever get to meet bm or that she will write. One of the massive benefits of contact is that it gives the child answers.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Thanks for posting BK. This is an interesting thread and your input adds a good perspective xx


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## rsm (Aug 20, 2009)

Hello everyone, very interesting thread. 

My DH and I believe that indirect letterbox contact is a good thing - especially for the child. 

A question I'd like to ask is regarding direct sibling contact. Has anyone ever been in the situa tion whereby annual direct sibling contact has been suggested but the sibling is in long term foster care rather than being with an adopted family. Therefore, the sibling is still having contact with the BM? 

I would never want my LO to think I had stopped him/her from seeing their sibling but isn't it a security issue if BM still has contact with sibling and I also would be concerned that LO would wonder why they weren't allowed to see BM if sibling is. 

Has anyone had experience of a situation like this?


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Rsm, a similar situation was discussed for our wee mans sibling. (Obviously i cant give too many details on a public forum) She isn't in long term foster care but has a special guardianship. Lengthy discussions took place and  It was decided before placement that it was too dangerous for anyone involved for any direct contact to continue as she had contact with bf and bm (when they turned up!) This has happened on two different occasions now, for two different siblings. She had regular direct contact with both siblings until their adoption and then it was good bye. I can't imagine how that has effected her. Thankfully, with the youngest sibling ss decided not to start direct contact at all as it would certainly stop once the adoption happened and she would experience a loss once again.


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## rsm (Aug 20, 2009)

Thanks for your reply flash. It's hard isn't it because on the one hand it's important for siblings to stay in touch but on the other if one has continued contact with BM and the other doesn't I can see that being a potential problem in the future. So hard to know the right thing to do in this instance. If the sibling was adopted there would be no hesitation on our part with direct annual contact


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