# Relationship probs - advice sought re ttc and sorting life!



## INCONCEIVABLE (May 1, 2007)

Hi girls,

I have been in a limbo  with my current dh re my wish to have a child for the past 14 months.  I caNNOT have my own bio kids anymore and the only way to become a mum is via a donor egg.  My dh went for one donor egg treatment and this hasn't worked and has been generally v. difficult around the whole thing.   So he really didn't want it even the first time.  Now he is adamant that he doesn't want it and I am fed up him controlling me with this.

I wanted to ask you all for advice.  What would you do in my place as dh is as good as out of the pic now re ttc.  I am 42 in June, working as a supply teacher, not many perm opps at the mo at least not in my subject area... I want a child... What would you do  and how would you go about achieving this. 

I have no family to provide support and I can't rely on friends as they are not in the whole kid thing... all are childless and am not quite sure that they 'get' me.  in what order would  you go about things?

I have asked my dh to move out but he is refusing to do so, even though we have a rental property where he could go. It's not as if he would have to rent or I'm kicking him out and he has nowhere to go... 
I do want to move on but feel stuck... 

Any suggestions, pls advise...

PS - TO MODS - I don't know where the relationship board is, so pls could you move this to appropriate place if not appropriate.


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## laurainhk (Jul 20, 2008)

Inconceivable,
it's tough. If this is any help, i was in a similar predicament.
My ex-bf initially agree to try IVF, went for sperm test etc., but when the test showed some serious sperm abnormality, he refused to get on board the IVF rollercoaster, even for one cycle. We had other issues in our relationship, so this was the last straw for me. We split up and a few months later i met a fantastic man, younger than me and started a new, very exciting chapter in my life. Unfortunately i found out a 6 months later that he doesn't want children. After 2 years, we are still together, enjoying our relationship but living day by day. I didn't make a mystery of my desire to have a child, and he understands how important it is for me. I cannot change his mind, no matter how hard i try. 
Finally I told him that i will try IVF using an anonymous sperm donor. He hasn't freaked out at the prospect, some of his friends have partners with children from previous relationships, so he knows that it's possible to be with me even if i have a child. We don't live together, and are both very independent people, which makes things easier. If my IVF is successful, i don't expect him to play the dad's role, change nappies and all that stuff, i would be happy just to have a companion to go out with, and share intimate moments. In case i have a baby, i will carry on working and rely on a live-in nanny for the first year to keep my sanity intact.. In Hong Kong help is very affordable, though i will probably be in the red by the end of the first year  But this is my greatest desire, and if it means taking a mortgage on my flat to sail through the first few years, i am prepared to do it. I reassured my bf that i will do anything i can to protect our relationship, though i made it clear that the first few months will be tough, i will be nursing, sleep-deprived and exhausted all the time. It helps that he has a great sense of humour and is a very good-natured, balanced and mature man, with a lot of interests. Too bad he doesn't want children.


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## INCONCEIVABLE (May 1, 2007)

Rose - thanks... I will certainly look into the single thread... Thx for all the info so far... 

Laura - its an interesting arrangement that you have got... Wander whether you could have persuaded him to be a donor?  
Anyhooo... Good on you to mind your needs whilst taking what's good for you ... If it works for both of you ...cool....


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## laurainhk (Jul 20, 2008)

You said your husband doesn't want to try DE IVF again. Has he explained to you the reason why? Is it because of the financial burden? Or is it because of the emotional toll it has taken on you both?
Does he really want a child, or would he be happier without children?

My bf doesn't want children because of the responsibility involved...but i suspect it's mainly because of religion (long story, suffice to say he is Jewish, and i am not)

He is happy if i do what's best for me, as long as he doesn't have to produce a non Jewish child and bring shame on his family


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## INCONCEIVABLE (May 1, 2007)

Oh my dh has got some issues about me not being ready having kids in my early 30's (I started trying at 35 as wasn't ready before), thinks he is now too old (he has sperm issues, too), job prospects are not looking good (is in construction) and thinks we have missed the boat.  He would still want a child with my own eggs, but I have run out... I'm not ready to accept all this defeatism and deprive myself of a chance of having a kid at some point with smb else or on my own... So that it in a nutshell!

Hmmm...  religion... I find those kinds of things difficult to understand... Who cares in this day and age...?  Were you not tempted not to use contraception ?


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## laurainhk (Jul 20, 2008)

I know, it seems ironic that religious differences are causing so much pain and hatred in the world in an age where we have easy access to information, and live in a multi-cultural environment.
I have given up on using logical arguments with religious people. My bf is not really religious, just part of a cultural-religious formation that excludes others in order to protect its internal cohesion and identity, and thrives on paranoid fears. Because his identity is a product of this identification with the Jewish community,  self-exclusion from this community would be tantamount to a loss of identity.

i am not using contraception, but he is...

It's very interesting what you said about your DH and his defeatism. Maybe the economic downturn is having an impact on his decision to abandon fertility treatments. Men tend to worry a lot about their ability to provide. They self-confidence depends a lot on their ability to earn. He is not old, his perception of his age must be influenced by external factors, such as job prospects. You are a teacher, would it be possible for you to tutor privately, in order to get an extra source of income? 
I am also working in education. Money is never enough, so I set up my own company to supplement my income. I have been working like a dog for the past 2 years, just to save up for IVF abroad and take a break from my grueling schedule in case my IVF is successful.  Luckily i speak several foreign languages, which makes it possible for me to work as an editor and translator, on top of my regular teaching.


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## INCONCEIVABLE (May 1, 2007)

You are spot on Laura... many th ings in life are about perceptions/misperceptions including identities...

good on you that you are sorted financially... I need a perm cntract at the mo to get some stability...Will see..

Hopefully smb is watching over me... says me as an atheist and i get my lucky break...


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## lily17 (Sep 25, 2008)

Oh Incon & Laura

OMG-- its totally ironic- but I am in a relationship where its totally the other way round!!!- My hubby is kind and thoughtful and is absolutely desparate for kids... he is so desparate that he has even suggested sperm donation or surrogacy if I am unable to produce a child with him.
I am very lucky in that I have already got 3 kids from a relationship when I was must younger, and Im now at the end of my fertile life, so things are proving very difficult
--tell ya what.... I'll just send him round!!  

Seriously, his desperation to have  child, does put pressure on our relationship- a few years ago, it would have just happened, but now at my ripe old age of 43, its just not happening ( tubes blocked and need DE) and financially its killing us - which is another added strain....... I do understand his need to pass on his own genes, but its not the same for me, as much as Id love a baby with him- I  have already reproduced.............
big sigh- - life is never straight forward is it?

And dont mention the religion thing-- hes a committed athiest!!!

Karen xx


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## KatieZ (Mar 20, 2009)

I'm in the same postion!- DP desperate for kids but it's a strain on us too (especially cos he'd known me for 6 years before he worked out what he wanted and those 6 years have made the difference between having any chance of me conceiving naturally and needing donor eggs).  I'm going ahead with it for him - but don't have quite the same yearning that I would have if I'd never had children.

Inconcievable - I'm sure the thought of going ahead on your own must be scary, especially since you can't see where your support system would come from, but I found that once you get pregnant, have babies, you meet a load of new friends (ante-natal, NCT, local babygroups - endless options that open up once your part of that world) and because you're all learning to be mums at the same time, going through the same stuff, those relationships become really important and you can end up with a really good strong group of friends supporting you, none of whom you knew a year before.  And I do mean people who are there for you no matter what, with emotional and practical support (eg we didn't have a car and one friend I made took me to the supermarket every week with her for over a year!)

ALso, having had kids with someone who turned out to be the most ENORMOUS mistake and who buggered off to America, leaving me with total responsibility for the whole thing, I've learnt that once you have children to care for you find strength and energy and emotional resources that you never dreamed you had - I'm sure if you had a child, because you want one so much, you would find the way that worked for you.

Katie


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## INCONCEIVABLE (May 1, 2007)

Thanks Lily and Katie... Lily sent you PM re donor clinics...

Katie..thx for that input... Have just seen about your dp sperm...You will need icsi... My dh had 4% normal morphology and needed icsi.. I suspect among other things, that's also one of the reasons why he doesn't want to do any more treatment as he is afraid of failure...He can't stomach it... The dr did say that the embryo quality has had an impact ....as we only had 7 eggs and out of those 7 3 embryos of uneven quality.  Got me pregnant but I had an early miscarriage.  Try to get your dh on vits, no alcohol and exercise regime as it does help.  Also it's worthwile checking if there is any fragmentation. 

good luck...


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## KatieZ (Mar 20, 2009)

Thanks for the info.  I thought that was probably the case; DP was hoping not! He doesn't drink anyway, so I guess lots of vits and exercise!! Good luck with however you decide to move forward too.


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