# Q's about surrogacy



## Grumpygirl (Oct 24, 2004)

Hi there,
We just had our 4th bfn after egg donation abroad and since I've already had cancer I'm honestly wondering how long I can keep up with the disappointments from an emotional point of view. I just think there comes a time when you need to move forward, not backwards all the time. I hadn't really considered surrogacy as a real option but meeting Jennifer recently made me realise there are very genuine people out there who want to help for really good reasons. 

I just wondered if any of you could help with some q's? I'll probably contact COTS and SUK just for a chat but it would be good to find out some information from FFs as I feel so at home here.

1) How long would you be waiting for a match on average?
2) How often do things go wrong?
3) I have no ovaries so can only do straight surrogacy in the UK which is fine, but has anyone done host surrgogacy abroad or have any info about it?
4) What are the costs involved?

Also, and this is my major concern and totally selfish- do any of you Intended Parents feel funny about someone else carrying your DH's child? I know they'd be doing it for all the very best reasons but I always wanted to do that for myself and think there would be a grieving process to be able to accept it.

Thanks for any ideas,
Love
Giggly
xx


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## EJJB (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi giggly,
We had our daughter through straight surrogacy last October, and met our surrogate through SUK.
I will try and answer some of your questions.
There is no average wait, some people will meet their surrogate at the first event they attend, and have a baby within a year, others like us will wait over two years before they meet their surrogate.
Some surrogates will get pregnant very quickly, others it will take 8-10 months.
It's like saying how longs a piece of string.
When you say how often do things go wrong, do you mean with the arrangement or with the pregnancy?
SUk has never had an arrangement go wrong to the extent that the surrogate refused to hand over the baby.
Because they work on a friendship first basis people are encouraged to build strong relationships before entering into a surrogacy arrangement. SUk also offers support to surrogates and IP's so that if there are any issues they can hopefully be ironed out, before they become insurmountable.
As for pregnancies going wrong a surrogate is just as likely as anyone else to have a miscarriage, and this has happened a few times. 
Costs wise exspenses for your surrogate can vary but should not exceed £10,000 the legal limit.
On top of that you have travel exspenses, the cost of socialising with your surrogate, accomodation should you want to attend conferences, and so that you can  be near your surrogate when they give birth, and other costs which you would have with any friendship, birthday presents etc.
I can't answer your question about host surrogacy, as I have no experience of it, but I can say I didn't really feel jealous when our surrogate was pregnant I just felt very greatful to her and proud of her.
Perhaps because I had been pregnant myself I didn't feel as though I was missing out. I did my grieving when our son was stillborn, so I had already accepted that I could not have another pregnancy myself.
I think you need to do that before you can start doing surrogacy.
I really hope this helps, but remember it is only my experience, and I can highly recommend SUK.
Hope to see you over there soon.
Best Wishes.
EJJB
  x


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## Jennifer (Jul 22, 2004)

Hi Giggly 

Sorry about your BFN hun  So not fair 

Here is a link to the SUK boards http://www.surrogacyuk.org/cgi-bin4/default.asp

It can take any amount of time to meet a surrogate. At SUK they believe in friendship first surrogacy second which is great - It means that before you enter into an arrangement there is trust and friendship on both sides which is why they have never had an arrangement go wrong.

I have met some fantastic people through SUK and love going to their get togethers.

You know where to find me if you fancy a chat  and where are those piccies you promised me  

Take care
xx xx

/links


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## **Tashja** (Jan 13, 2005)

Hi Giggly

Just seen this  but looks like you have some great advise already !! 

Well I am a prime example of how not to do things  but I can say that as far as medical issues go "serious" issues like ectopic pregnancies, etc seem quite rare but miscarriages obviously have the same chances of happening as normal.  Like the girls have said above SUK have not had an actual arrangement go wrong but I know COTS have had a few go wrong - in ther defence though they have been around a bit longer.

Best advise I can give you now is to read, read, read and maybe attend a SUK get together to see what you think and to get things straight in your mind.

((HUGS))

T xx


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## Grumpygirl (Oct 24, 2004)

Wow, loads of info- thanks so much.

I'll definitely have a good read around and look carefully at our options. I think we just need a long term plan if things don't work out for us and it all becomes too much. It helps you move on, doesn't it?

EJJB- that was really enlightening, thanks so much. Lots of really useful info, but more positive than I was expecting somehow. Lovely to hear from someone it has worked for and congratulations to you and your DH, you must be so happy.  

Jennifer- I've replied to your IM, and I sent you the photos!!!!!! I'll send them again though if you didn't get them, they're funny. Any time you want to visit, you're very welcome, just remember your handbag!    

Tashja- thanks for the info as well, and congrats on your pg. Here's to a happy healthy baby and no pain at the birth!

Thanks for you help ladies,
Love
Giggly
xx


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## Jennifer (Jul 22, 2004)

Hi Giggly - I got the PM but not the photos   Will send you another email addy to try


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## HJW (Mar 19, 2006)

Hello Giggly & welcome to the surrogacy section.

We are with SUK too and have been really lucky to meet the lovely Jennifer who is going to be our surrogate (so excited).

Everyone is welcome at the social events - I think that the conferences are really worth going to, even just as an information gathering exercise. That's what we did when we first looked into surrogacy - we were quite unsure about the whole thing until we went to a conference and by the end of that weekend we knew it was something we definitely wanted to do. There is conference in October if you are interested.

Just on the going wrong side of things, as the girls say there hasn't been a situation with SUK where the surrogate has refused to give the baby to the IP's but be aware surrogacy can be a bumpy ride at times, with lots of ups and downs.  Previous to meeting Jen another surrogate had offered to help us, but just before we were due to go to the clinic, her personal circumstances changed so she was unable to help us - which of course was tough on us at the time. We are 100% definitely on an up now though 

As for the feeling funny about Jen (hopefully) carrying our child, I definitely won't feel funny about it, because I know that I'm gonna be there for every step and share as much as I can (apart from the morning sickness LOL).

Good luck.

Hayley x


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## Jennifer (Jul 22, 2004)

Oh don't worry Hayley - I will explain in graphic detail if I get morning sickness - You won't miss out


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## HJW (Mar 19, 2006)

I can hardly wait Jen  

(sorry for taking over your thread giggly )


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## Fruitbat24 (Nov 6, 2006)

Hi Giggly

I just wanted to say good luck with the rest of your journey.

Also from my perspective:

I joined SUK in February, met my SM in May and we started working together in September of last year.  Unfortunately after two attempts, circumstances changed and sadly we had to part company - though we remain friends.  Now we just have to wait again and see what happens.

I think though the costs vary depending on your SM and though 10,000 is the max quoted by the government some SMs have expenses a lot more than that.  And those larger amounts have been approved by the courts.

Sabreena


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Can I ask you lovely ladies for advice.  I have had a m/c and then 2 failed ICSI I have been using known donor sperm from my friend for over 2 years - I believe that my womb lining is the problem and my immune issues- a friend suggested surrogacy using my eggs, and my friends sperm- would technically being single and not quite 'the traditional couple' prohibit me from exploring surrogacy?

Thanks for your opinions
L x


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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

Hi JJ1 - I've just replied to you on the other thread here - just in case you didn't spot it!

Natalie


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

Thanks Natalie
L x


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