# Tantrums



## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Hi

Just need to post to say we are in our 3rd week of little ones home and our 2 year old has really tested me this week. Today she had a complete meltdown after a short nap and screamed for 20 mins, putting her hand in her mouth and screaming. She wouldn't let me console her at all. I think it was because she was tired but felt so bad for her and I got upset when my DH got home.

She is being more defiant and kicked off walking back from school this morning.

I've also noticed she would rather hold my sis in laws hand doing the school run walk or her siblings.

The majority of the time she is fine and she does come to me for cuddles & comfort.

Felt guilty for telling her off today but know she is feeling confused and emotional. I think she is also realising she's not going back to her FC home.

X


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hugs early days are tough grief just has to be gone through.  Children learn to find comfort in you but it takes time however I remember how hard it is doing everything right for a child and getting no response.  It will change keep going.  I personally would stop the holding hands with your sister in law.  It's so hard but they need to know it's you that are the centre of their world.  I know relatives think it's sweet and the child likes / loves them.  At this stage they don't and getting consistent contact with you is the best thing.  If she won't hold hands what about a parent facing buggy or little life backpack so your still connected.  You're doing great managing the school run so early in must be tough.  

With tantrums just physically be there and let them get it out at this point I would say.  Stroke their back or maintain some contact where possible but just let it be then try and get as much skin to skin / physical contact straight after as it's often when they're most receptive xx


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## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Hi Paulapumpkin, 

The early days are tough, I was filled with elation, excitement, expectation and then ultimately exhaustion.  While our children are grieving for the life they knew, I think we also grieve for the birth children we couldn't have. 

I agree with MummyDD, skin contact should only be with you and your DH for the time being.  As difficult as that is, it's really important that comfort only comes from you.  DD will of course seek affection from her siblings and thats ok but perhaps try to become part of that.  If DD wants to hold a siblings hand, perhaps you could all hold hands or DD could go in the middle.

I completely invaded my DDs personal space in those first few months, I did everything for her, carried her as much as I could, swaddled and cuddled her, bathed with her, showered with her, played lots of touching games (round and round the garden, piggies went to market).  I was very strict with family and friends, I visited them at their homes with DD and asked them not to initiate any physical contact with her for weeks.  I always used to take toys from home to ensure that there was consistency, I did not allow visitors at our house for weeks as it was important for DD to know who lived in our house. 

Building attachment is massive in those early weeks and although tantrums are distressing, it's your DDs way of dealing with grief and testing your commitment to her.  Allow her to cry but stay close and tell her you love her, don't allow anyone other than you and DH to comfort her.  Don't feel guilty about telling her off, children need consistent boundaries, just make sure you tell her why you're angry. 

Take care, be kind to yourself 
X


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Hi

Things have improved and as each week passes so does the attachment.

The sibling group are learning to play with each other again after being separated whilst in care.  They are trying to find their feet and we are finding that the little one is the boss. 

She has been going to stay and play which she's really enjoyed.
Our middle daughter is struggling a little as her older sibling doesn't really want to play with her anymore as he's too old.

I've also found the constant squabbling really annoying (I know how my parents felt now).


They really like structure but it's good they can entertain themselves. They constantly ask me to play with them and I feel guilty when I'm cooking or have chores to do.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Don't worry cooking and cleaning are facts of life. cooking is my kids screen time. They take it in turns to choose off Netflix what to watch. Cleaning I bought a miniature mop and bucket (vileda style same as mine) off Amazon so they could follow me round if they wanted 'mopping' with me etc. You're doing great don't worry xx


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

I'm feeling such a failure 

It's really hard at the moment and I feel down. Little one just screams (mainly in the car) and is saying 'no' a lot. We also get some gorgeous moments.

It's still very early days and I think I'm run down and feeling the impact of adopting a sibling group. For my birthday I got a 'boil' yuk!!!

My DH is fantastic but pointed out we are very privileged because we have a cleaner and I'm at home.  I've wanted to be a mummy for so long and I'm like a zombie at the moment. I Love them so much but feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I tried to sleep at the weekend but DH said I was hiding away, I got the hump with him and said can't you see I feel run down. I'm feeling jealous when he drives off to work.

Please tell me it's going to get better.

X


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## notgivingup (Apr 13, 2012)

Just wanted to send you some hugs. Life with siblings is amazing but incredibly tough.  I totally understand the mixed emotions - when you have gone through so much and dreamed of being a mummy and having a family, balanced with the exhaustion and realisation that being a parent is really tough, particularly being stuck at home when it's what you've wanted for so long. It will get better. It's important to take time for yourself, whether that be a few hours sleep or going out to eat a piece of cake and drink a coffee in peace (my personal favourite!) not least because it allows DH to be home alone for a few hours to see real life!

My LO went through phases of screaming a lot and is still saying no to most things, even when he means yes, but these are reducing hugely with 'therapeutic' parenting and only become apparent now when he is very stressed. 

Is there anyone you can call on to help give you support/break? Is the screaming a new thing or did it happen in foster care too?  I have to hold my hand up and say I am still not very good at asking for help cause I fear having someone else take care of them for a few hours might somehow affect building attachment, but admit it has huge benefits for everyone when I am feeling more refreshed. 

Big hugs xx


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## Sq9 (Jan 15, 2013)

xx


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## littlepoppy86 (Feb 14, 2014)

I felt down in the early days of second placement. I always felt guilty for one of the siblings as it's just impossible to give 100% to both children 100% of the time (unless one isn't there...)

But I read this quote and made me feel happy..

'You are enough, you do enough, you have enough' 

You're doing an amazing job, it's natural to want to hide sometimes so don't feel bad for wanting to do it!!! 

Sending a virtual hug x


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## Kaytie (May 7, 2005)

I'm 3 months in since the placement of our second child and I feel the same. Exhausted, disappointed with my feelings and as a mum. My son no longer gets the attention he used to as my daughter is taking up most of my time and I feel so guilty and a failure. I'm holding on because lots of people have said it gets better and looking back it has somewhat got easier but I often think why did we do it? It was so lovely being able to give him the attention and enjoy this gorgeous boy. I think reality just hits you in early placement and then you are so tired both emotionally and physically. Top that with a screaming child  and the tantrums and you feel even worse. 
Try to draw some strengths and get through it day by day. Tell DH you need some me time and sleep is the first step to get some energy back I'm sure he'll understand. Could you speak to your SW for support? How about some Theraplay, you can find ideas and info in YouTube.

I've just joined a gym and go for a relaxing swim and sauna twice a week at night when DH is home as I need to chill just now. It took ages to even muster the energy for that as I all wanted to do was hide.

Sorry if I'm going on about me a lot but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this, and maybe that will give you a little comfort in itself?
PS: I'm also jealous of my DH escaping to work whilst I run the family and household.It all seems so tedious at times. Just now I have no idea in the slightest how I'd even cope throwing part time work into this stressful mess.

Sending a big hug. I totally feel for you it's awful but try and not beat yourself up over it. I'm trying to do just that but I know how hard it is.

Littlepoppy, I love that quote x


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I've asked our SW for some advice as little one is crying for FC and keeps telling me she doesn't want to stay with us anymore. She will repeat what we've told her but I guess she doesn't understand. 

We had two screaming sessions today and I've noticed it's more when she's tired. She smacked me today in rage 
The other two are being affected and are getting frustrated by the little one.  We've reassured them that it's a tantrum and usual for her age and she's not going to be sent back!

I've organised some time for them to have some one to one.

Our SW is here tomorrow so it will be good to talk things through.

Heading off for an early night now!

X


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hi Paulapumpkin,

I had a cleaner twice per week and only 1 AD.  To be honest DH would have been sacrificed before i'd give up the cleaner.  It's bloody tough coping with an intense child.  I can't imagine how much tougher it is with more than one.  It all hit home for DH when i returned to work and he had 1 day (other 6 were with me or nursery) on his own with DD.  Never once did he suggest it would be easy to do anything at home on his one day, he barely held it together for the 6 hours (in a full week) he and DD were alone.

Perspective is wonderful.  Maybe your DH would appreciate some daddy time.  I've no doubt you'd benefit from some mummy alone time.

Big hugs and bloody well done.  

Julesxxxx


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi paulapumpkin - just read this thread so hope things are a little better??

I think perhaps your DH needs to life a day in your shoes - mine also quickly forgets that if he has a day at home alone with kids it's McDonald's for dinner and nothing done in the house! Having 3 kids is hard when they come one at a time, 3 in one go is incredibly hard for anyone so give yourself a break - the fact that you are feeling any love so early into placement shows you are doing a good job. When my middle child came home I would literally run out the door as soon as my DH came home from work - I would need an hour or two away from her screaming to regain some sanity! Make sure you try and find some time to recuperate and try to find a way to get your husband to see how hard it is being responsible for the kids all day.


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## Paulapumpkin (Apr 22, 2006)

Thank you tictoc. Things are getting better and we are making a bit of progress.

My hubby is starting to realise the stress I've been feeling and he is now trying to get home just after school. This gives me some time to sort stuff out whilst he supervises dinner time.  We are in a good routine which really helps.

Little one may start nursery soon after speaking to SW and HV, they both think it will be ok and she was in nursery whilst at FC house and loved it.

I've been feeling bad about putting her in pull ups too as she was wetting in the car, she was using the potty and the toilet but because we try and go out its been easier putting a pull up on.

I've  noticed she's been more affectionate towards me in particular which has been lovely.

I've booked some special time in with middle little one at the weekend as she fights for attention when she's home with little one.

Our eldest is making progress although it's frustrating as he's a bit of a 'downer'. He's started to push us about various things and is making us feel a bit crappy. We do get glimpses of pure joy and love it when he really laughs.

Its so early days which I have to keep reminding myself and we are all doing great really.

How is everyone else doing?

Xxxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Paula, I think you're doing fantastically!    I'm glad DH has made some changes.  I think it's hard for them, sometimes, to know what to do for the best.


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