# Meeting the birth mother



## Juby1 (Jun 11, 2010)

Hi Everyone,

My DH and I were placed with our son 9 weeks ago. He is adorable and given it is still early days, things are going really, really well.  
Unfortunately though, some of my joy is being over shadowed by an overwhelming anxiety about having to meet our DS birth mother. His SW, has really applied the pressure saying she wants us to meet birth mother within the next 2 weeks. This is because there is a lot going on for this woman and our DS's SW says we need to think about the needs of the birth mother and what timing is best for her, but we just don't feel ready.I'm still getting to know my son and our DS has still not been left with anyone yet.

Our SW was furious  and said our DS's SW needs to be prioritising our DS's needs and not the birth mother, which obviously we agree with and that she wants the meeting to happen at a later date.

Such a fuss has been made about it and we have felt stuck in the middle, that it is now really on my mind and I'm finding it really upsetting, in a way I prob wouldn't be if it had been left as 'one of those things' we would look at later down the line.

After the gruelling process that we know is adoption, not to mention everything that  went before, I have had enough of being asked to do things that make me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I just want to be left alone to be a Mum, even though I know meeting birth mother is in my son's best interests. 

Sorry about this rant .... just wondered if anyone else has met their child's birth mother, and if so how they handled it?

Thanks

Juby xxxxx


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## AnneS (Sep 18, 2006)

Dear Juby,

as you can see from my signature, we are still waiting ot be matched and bring a LO home.
However, I did not want to "read and run".
I read your post twise and it seems to me that given that your SW is not that happy about the 2 week time frame and given that your young child is not to be at the meeting, it probably does not matter, if this meeting will take place later. I appreciate it might matter to the birth mother, but the preparation up to the adoption would have provided quite a bit of time for her to adjust to the situation.
I really do not want to sound harsh, but I feel that you have to look out for yourself and for your new family. That you can and should say 'no' or 'later' and 'on our terms'. It is important that you feel good and whole and happy because that is what you project to your child. I certainly do not think you should feel guilty and therefore put up with things that you feel you are pushed into. 
I also think that a difficult thing like the meeting of birth mum should be approached with care - as much for her as for your sake. You both will be nervous and if you feel a bit more time would put you into a better frame of mind and emotional position, stick with your SW and delay.
Oh dear, I waffle on. 
I hope my thoughts are helpful, even a tiny bit.   

best of luck,

Anne


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Hi

Do whats best for you and your family, think of no one other than that.  Basically put, your DS is not ready to be left yet so why even think about this?  Put it out of your mind and don't feel pressured into anything you dont want to do.

We were feeling pressured into meeting dd's BP's but having been here before with DS we decided to do it on our terms this time and will be meeting them at a time convenient to us in the near future, when dd is ready to be left with our family.  We have however agreed to write a letter to them for now, from us, explaining how she is etc etc.  Perhaps you could offer BM's SW this as an alternative? 

Good luck x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
I agree with Wynn, your DS isn't ready yet to be left with someone else and he has to be the main priority of everyone involved, not BM!
As your SW isn't happy about the meet taking place yet she should be the one dealing with your DS's SW and putting a stop to this, you have enough to put your energy into looking after and getting to know your DS.
Offer a short letter/card letting BM know that DS is OK and a few things he is enjoying without going OTT.
OT x


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## galaxy girl (Feb 12, 2008)

I agree it's to early. What matters is your son. We have met bp's ...... About 3 months in. Was a bit nervous but it went well. And as I am meeting them when contact occurs important to get out of the way......


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## Kestra (Sep 7, 2009)

Hi,

We had to write a letter 6 weeks in to his birth parents (not together) and grandfather to let them know how LO was settling in. I have only just left him (4 months in) for an afternoon  - when we went out for my birthday - with my parents but we were constantly thinking about him and rushed back. 

You will not be in the best frame of mind the first time you leave him as you will be thinking about him all the time and you will need to build your confidence in leaving him before going to such a emotional and daunting meeting. Your LO social worker should understand this as all though our HS the emphasis was placed on the needs of the child and as it is his SW not yours she should be more concerned over what is best for your LO and no-one else - I know my LO's was where our SW was a bit more relaxed!

I would def get your SW to talk to LO SW to sort it out as you do not need the stress at this important time.

XxX


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

our kids were here 5mnths before we met them and although we were anxious we are glad we did for their sake, they are 8 and 5 now and have asked and we can honestly say she is ok. We had our picture taken with her and the eldest knows we have met her. 


We learnt nothing new about the kids or their background but it confirmed what we knew and as they were so young when first taken into care 31/2 yrs ago i now feel equipped to answer their questions about who she is and what she is like.


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