# Put me out of my misery



## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

I will stop punishing myself BUT, you know if you’ve had a negative cycle that you have to pick the entire thing apart so you can tick off in your mind that you tried your best and everything you could possibly do you did and every effort was made…well, I got to the point where I’m stuck.  I’m stuck because this is just so awful and I know I’ll be told to forget it and put it to the back of my mind and not to keep going over it but it’s like a grieving process and I need to know.

To cut it short, it’s very hard to stimulate my ovaries and my Consultant said this is the last go with my eggs, we got to EC which was a huge challenge in itself but due to the awful weather we arrived late!  We estimated our journey would take 1.5 hours and so we left with 3 hours spare but we arrived half an hour late.  I’m now torturing myself because I had 3 follicles, 2 of which were a good size and one that was small, they only collected one egg and I’m assuming it was the small one cos the other 2 popped.  I had a scan just before they knocked me out and 3 follies were showing so do they show if they’ve popped?  There was a bit of fluid that was flushed out and checked but I’m convinced now that we got so far only for it to be lost through us being late.  Our darling embryo was abnormal so unusable.  My HCG was at 11.30pm on the Saturday and the EC was due at 10am on the Monday but went ahead at 10.50 so the 36 hours wasn’t up.  Can anyone put me out of my misery?  I can accept it didn’t work but finding it so hard to get this ‘being late and popping eggs’ bit out of my head.

Sorry for rambling
Nix


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Sorry i cant help with the timing thing and size of eggs as didnt do ivf/ icsi altho i will say i understand as for our 2nd iui we were on time but the doctor put off our basting for nearly an hour as she was running behind and had another couple in. She sent the nurse to do the job(no offence to nurses as i trained to be one b4 teaching) - she couldnt do it and doctor had to come back in and do it. i worried that the washed sperm was wasted and was sure it wouldnt work.Which sadly it didnt . But you could be different. try not to worry! you are probably worrying more because it might be your last go but try and be calm xxxxx


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## Northern Sky (Oct 14, 2005)

I'm so sorry that your cycle was unsuccessful.  

Please don't blame yourself.  I'm not very good at producing eggs either - during my first IVF cycle, I had 4 follicles and only 2 eggs (at first they thought there was only one, then they mysteriously found another one!), the second one produced 3 eggs (one immature) from 6 follicles - from which we were lucky enough to get one embryo.  It is perfectly normal to get less eggs than there are follicles and for some of the eggs to be immature, and the fact that your EC was carried out before the 36 hours were up suggests that it is very unlikely that your other two "popped" early.

I think we have a strong need to look for "reasons" why these things happen/ don't happen but I really don't think your lateness (which was obviously  beyond your control anyway) would have affected anything at all.


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Nix
I am so sorry to read your posting....
I am not sure what to say and offer in the way of advice....and i am sorry about the unsuccessful IVF....
I hope that you find some answers from the medical staff so that you can move forward and as you say 'put you out of your misery'....its a tough road and we are not always given the full details or picture..
I am sorry...
lots of love astridx


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## jaffa_orange (Jul 14, 2004)

Nix

What a heartbreaking message. I feel so sorry for you. I was also astonished when I looked at your history, as it is so similar to my own, apart from the fact that I had peritonitis at the age of 11 ... and here I am, 25 years later, paying the most terrible price ... I also have problems with my eggs, too, seem to produce them okay but quality and fertilisation is poor.

I can relate to what you say in so many ways. I myself was scheduled to have GIFT on the day of egg collection (if you don't know what that is, look for an explanation on my 2-ww diary), and it was cancelled at the last minute due to my adhesions .... plus, DH had to produce 2 samples on the day and guess what -- EC was delayed. I was panicking that I would ovulate, but my consultant assured me that the results of my last blood test indicated that ovulation was not yet imminent. If you are still fretting about this story, then maybe you could phone and speak to your nurse and get her to explain the results of your last blood test before EC. I am sure they will indicate that your short delay was not a problem. I must say that, if I were you, I wouldn't choose to do this, though, as you might just make yourself feel more guilty than you already do. I hope you don't continue to feel this way for too long; you are not to blame for anything.

And you are right, it is a grieving process, and you have to get through it in your own way. Counselling works for some people. PM me if you need anything.

love

Jaffa
xx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Thanks for your kind words ladies, as ever I would be lost without your support.

Jaffa - pm'd you
Nix
xx


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## Ginger (Jul 17, 2003)

Nix

I'm so sorry to read that your cycle didn't have a good outcome. Maybe the clinic can help you - the Dr doing the EC would know if there was more than 1 follicle to aspirate when the needle went in, I believe it is sometimes guided by ultrasound so they can see the follicles they are aspirating. I hope you can can get some inforation to help you to stop torturing yourself.

I just wanted to let you know that one one of my EC days there was an emergency in the clinic and we were delayed by almost an hour - I was frantic but the clinic staff were very reassuring and said we had at least an hour of leeway. If your scan showed follicles then they were still there. Try not to blame yourself and I hope you can find the information and support you need to help you move forward.

Ginger  xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

I think everyone on here has said all the right things. I really identify with you though. Its extremely hard to stimulate my ovaries too, and it was always a hue achievement for me to get to egg collection. In 4 cycles I only got there twice and that was touch and go as it was! 

This last cycle we were lucky to go to e.c, and we had six eggs, but notihing fertilised, we have been told this is due to poor egg quality and that they can do no more for us unless we use donor eggs, so i undertsand the fear you must be feeling, and the need to search for a reason, and a second chance. This is the first time anyone has mentioned poor egg quality (as opposed to my usual problems with quantity) and like you I have been torturing myself that it i something I did. The only thing I can think of is that I did differently was taking DHA capsules to try and improve quality.... my twisted mind is blaming the poor quality on that!!!!  

I'm sorry i'm probably not being much help, but sending you moral support.

E xx

P.S  - It is true that not every follicle contains an egg; this is why they like you to have a minimum of 3 or 4 follies in order to get to e.collect. So try not to blame yourself.


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## daycj (May 11, 2004)

Nix. I am 100% certain that no hospital would time anything quite that precisely just in case of problems like you encountered.  I know the window is 36 hours from HCG but I bet your life there is a margin of time allowed within that (even for their own sakes in case another EC is difficult etc).  Don't beat yourself up over this.  Whenever we get a BFN we always look for a reason to "blame" ourselves.  Please don't do that although I know how hard it is.  You are doing all you can..............much love.  xx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Ermy - I totally understand how you feel, I guess we are in similar situations.  We stopped fertility treatment about 8 years ago when my eggs were good but decided to give it another bash last year, tried twice, first abandoned and then this one.  I could beat myself up about stopping when my eggs were good but what's the point, we need to move on.  We have a nice life, we're happy, the grass is still green, there's blue sky and flowers so forward we go - sending you lots of love.

daycj - your post has helped me - thank you.  Well done for managing on your own - clever lady!!

Lots of love
Nix


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Nix

IWell done for sounding so brave, but you know its ok to rant and howl if you need  
I really understand those nasty thoughts that find their way into your head to torture you! But try and remember the reasons you stopped tx the first time round...no-one does stops tx lightly and I'm sure you did the right thing for how you were feeling at the time. hindsight is a wonderful thing but it doesn't mean to say it was a mistake to stop when you did.

I am torturing myself this week... they never mentioned bad eggs before....what if I got a second opinion etc, etc, etc. I just want my mind and heart to have some peace but thats not the way IF works, eh?

I notice you're in West Sussex...I am too! Which clinic did you go to?


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