# Parents' reactions



## Chambordcheetah (May 18, 2014)

So I told my mum we are considering adoption (first person we have told full stop). I just saw her when we did the school run and she said probably not the place to discuss but she mentioned the idea to my Dad and his response really shocked and upset her.

Needless to say it was not positive. We have one birth child and are considering adoption due to her premature delivery. He said: "Well what about our other grandchildren? This would have the same rights." And my mum was like: "Yeah, of course." And he said: "But it's not blood. What do you think her brothers will make of that?"😱

I am quite stunned. And trying to digest this reaction. Unexpected. My mum said she shouldn't have told him but obviously he would have found out at some point.

I have a lump in the back of my throat when I think about that reaction. Isn't that sad?

Has anybody else experienced this as an initial, jerk reaction from a parent? Not sure what to do/say about it right now. Still a little shocked.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

It's upsetting when family or friends react in a manner that you don't expect. Your dad's reaction is not that uncommon in older generations but I would hope they change their mind and come round if adoption is what you want.

I've not experienced this reaction but we did have a distant relative react about our niece (diff circumstances that I won't go into) - needless to say the rest if us were appalled at the relative as it kept going with their strange and extreme views & have not been in contact in several years (they don't know about our adoption either).

Others may give direct advice if they've experienced this and how it was overcame.

X


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

I don't know if this is any help at all. A family member of mine gave up her child for adoption about 50 years ago. I was only told recently as she got quite upset when we told my family that we were adopting. She then explained it brought everything back. A few older relatives didn't quite understand why and what happens now. Was he going to be ours, would we change his name, was he going to be a new born etc etc. Many still felt like it was 50 years ago and you keep it hush hush and it was a taboo subject. I had to explain to them the difference from then to now and this made it a bit easier for them to understand. Maybe if you explain to your dad this might help.
I know it will be hard and what he said has hurt you and want to send you   
I hope things work out xx


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## Forgetmenot (Jun 22, 2010)

Hey x just wanted to give you a virtual hug! We have been putting off our, I mean my inlaws.... Dh is terrified.  We have now moved to stage 2 so time to face the music.  We have discussed all options with outcomes in respect to response.  We are predicting it not to be positive, though hoping for a pleasant surprise.  Time will tell.

Even my mum who is super excited.... Her first words were 'have you thought about surrogacy' they stay with you, but you have to chose to listen and move on.

Like the others have said, it could be a generation thing.  Let the news settle and talk to him... I am sure it will be fine.  Best of luck xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Dh mum was really negative at first.  She told me about two sets of people who gave back adopted children one because they burnt down a barn?  WtF definately made me think badly of the weird so called patents that left them able to burn a barn down / made that up.  

I think a lot of it was shock she also said she'd think long and hard about adoption if she was me. I explained I have always worked with vulnerable children and managed v challenging behaviour had worked with children in care and going through transition into adoption so I felt very aware of what I was doing.  

She came round partially as we got into the process and asked the occasional question.  I think she realised dh does a lot for her and she had to get on board a bit or loose his help.  When we were matched and it was two girls she came round a lot and got pretty positive.  She only had sons and grandsons so had never had girls.  

Now they're here she's really positive and taken with them.  We all live in a small village and people I don't know stop me and say are these xxxxx granddaughters she's told me all about them.  So she really has totally turned around.  Strangely enough I posted a very similar post about eighteen months ago.  However I might be being unfair here but our children are exceptionally pretty which I think has helped everyone wider bond with them quickly.  That's not just a comment about mil just a general observation.  Who wouldn't like to be constantly told their grandchildren are beautiful. Good luck I think a real child is so much easier to bond with than the concept of one.  I do now believe 99% of people when faced with a real child can't help but love them xx


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## Chipmunk (Jul 29, 2009)

Hi, my dad was extremely negative when we told him about our plan to adopt.  We also have a birth child (also born prem) I believe my dad's words were " if you go ahead with this you will have a 50/50 chance of making his life(birth child) hell". I was so upset,  that my dad would think we hadn't thought long & hard about the impact on our family & in particular our birth son. At another point he told me about a distant cousin of his overseas who had adopted 2 boys & 1 ended up in prison! 

My dad has always tended to react to things in this way initially so we weren't too surprised although I was still hurt by the way he said it.
We are now nearing the end of home study & although he doesn't say too much about it he has come round to the idea & asks questions etc now. Our SW visited my parents last week & according to both sides it went well! 

So you are not alone! Hopefully your dad will come round. I think the presence of birth children or other grandchildren tends to complicate things, maybe they don't understand why the want to adopt occurs?
X


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

My dad reacted very much like chipmunks!
He voiced his concerns to my mum that it was unfair on our birth son and that a friend of a friend had adopted two children that has subsequently 'ruined his life'  
He didn't say anything to us just didn't ever comment..
Now however he dotes on his latest granddaughter and she can do no wrong in his eyes  

I think it's definitely a generation thing xx


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

So sorry, Chipmunk. Can't pretend I understand but as some of the wiser people have said on here (a) once he has been educated a bit more about the process and (b) meets your new child it may be he is a little more accepting.

Still, big hugs, must be very hurtful xxx


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## Chambordcheetah (May 18, 2014)

Thanks ladies.

The more I have thought about it, the more stupid it seems. As my Mum said to him my brothers will probably not care I.e. They both have a brain and both have 2 children each and she shouldn't think they'd careless, in terms of who is "entitled" to what. My parents are quite wealthy and I think he could well be thinking about this in terms of finances.

I think it has shocked me because they have always brought me up to "do the right thing". They are generous and charitable. This is a curve ball. I have always put my Dad on a pedestal. This has made it wobble a bit :-(


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## Dawn7 (Sep 10, 2013)

Hi ChambordCheetah,

When me and DH told my parents, we were having Sunday lunch at their house (my 2 sisters and brother in law were also there) and they knew we'd 100% finished with IVF treatment. We had toyed with the idea of going private, due to family pressure, but we decided adoption was for us.

I agree with the replies you've had, as it my be a generation thing but also not many people understand adoption, which we've come to realise after u start to tell people.

My mum was ok (found out my mum didn't know much about adoption either), but I told my dad in the kitchen on his own and he was like "Really, ur really going to go down that route, its not something I would do" I was pretty devastated to be honest. But it was our decision to become a family.

My dad came back into the living room really upset and said he'd pay for us to go private, we had to say "No Dad" IVF was so painful for me and after our 3rd failed attempt we knew that was enough for us.

My mum spoke to my dad over the next few days and the reason he got upset was because he just wanted his own daughter to have her own children/family. Mum explained that adoption is a wonderful thing and said we'd be giving children with a poor start in this world an loving and amazing future. That they would be our children and it'd be no different and they would be grandparents again.

When we got approved at panel, my dad rang us to congratulate us himself, sent me a DH a text before bed, saying that we were going to make wonderful parents, like himself  He also asks me all the time where we're upto and what's next. Proper turn around.

So I can honestly say, maybe if your dad knew more about adoption and how much it means to have another child, he may come around.

Hope this helps and good luck with ur journey xx


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## Chambordcheetah (May 18, 2014)

Thanks Dawn7, that's really reassuring. He hasn't really got the first clue, having easily had 3 birth children and then both his sons easily having one of each. All straightforward conceptions and deliveries. His experiences are traditional and limited.

I can't expect him to know much about adoption because I didn't/don't. But I do need him to be open minded. He might have been a bit shocked at first, But nothing happens overnight so there's LOTS of time to get used to the idea   And my Mum is supportive. She doesn't want me to have another birth child, she deems the risk too high, so I think she is relieved this is a real possibility.


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## Lous mummy (Jun 16, 2014)

Hi, 
I'm not sure if this helps you but I have had a similar reaction from my dad, he actually told me in the beginning he thought I was making a mistake, I was devastated! I'm now starting stage 2 and although he doesn't talk about it much he is slightly more on board, I think you just have to leave them to mull over it, I said to my dad a while ago, 'this is what is happening, I would value your support but can continue without it should I need to' since then I don't start a conversation about it with him but I let him ask me questions which he does and so far so good. 
Xx


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## Chambordcheetah (May 18, 2014)

He hasn't raised it with me, probably hoping I'll change my mind, which we may or may not do but it won't be because of his feelings x


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