# Just plain fed up!



## redmond (Jun 29, 2006)

Hi All,
sorry but very miserable me post coming!  Sitting at home alone on a Friday night wondering how did I get here! I feel like this IF has such a negative impact on my life and am sick of it.  My final treatment failed 4 weeks ago and I have been struggling to keep my head above water ever since.  Things seem to be getting worse which is worrying me as in the past I have found time has helped me accept things. My partner and me aren't really talking about anything properly and he is going out a lot.  The worrying thing is I don't care and am really questioning our future! I used to be such a sociable person but the last few years I have slowly let this go and now I have few friends about and can't face going out.  A lot of mates have disappeared into parenthood and the others still party hard but I am not interested in that life anymore.  I am stuck in my job too as I have let my carer take second place to IVF and have not taken opportunities that came my way. God I sound such a sad sap but am struggling and find it difficult to tell anyone.  This site is a godsend because I feel I can say anything and it's okay.  I am quite a private person and don't share my feelings easily so most people around me haven't got a clue how much I'm struggling.  I have decided to try counselling as I know I need some support just have to make that phone call now-have been putting it off for last few weeks!  Think I'm frightened of opening the flood gates!  This site really helps as I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I will move out of this so thanks to all of you who are further down the track in terms of coming to terms with  IF.  Reading your positive posts really help and I look forward to the day this all feels a more manageable. Thanks for listening x


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I know what you mean about the husband not talking about anything properly and all the friends disappearing into parenthood while we are left in the house on our own struggling to cope.

Do you think that you are suffering from depression? I get days of severe depression every month about IF and my husband cannot cope with it, at all. Mid cycle, my mood improves for about a week. I wonder if I should get counselling or antidepressants, because the feelings are very profound when I am in the depths. I have told a lot of people and I think that they are sick of listening to me as there does not appear to be any end to it.

This IF is so draining and exhausting. We haven't even had any treatment attempts yet. We have been TTC for 7 years and have had over 2 years of waiting, waiting ,waiting for investigations only to be told that there is a less than 1% chance that they will find any sperm to use on a surgical biopsy. DH had one biopsy and they did not find anything - so he feels it is his fault, even though I have to have IVF due to blocked tubes. 
Reminders are everywhere and affect my ability to enjoy even going to the shops.

Perhaps talking it through will open the flood gates, but maybe bottling it all up is worse. Perhaps in order to heal you need to let it out in a controlled environment so that you can properly assess your next move.


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## redmond (Jun 29, 2006)

Dear Hazel,
Thank-you so much for your response, and so sorry to hear you are having a hard time also.  I so know what you mean about waiting, I feel like we have put too much on hold for so long waiting for the elusive goal of a baby of our own.  Now that we are trying to accept that this isn't going to happen it's hard to work out what next....  Also you hit the nail on the head,  yes I feel I am depressed, and am concerned that it may get worse, and like you think it is linked to my cycle. I have bad PMT at moment so hoping it will lift a little when AF finally arrives! I agree to that I need to talk about my feelings more and think posting here is a step forward.  Thanks again and take good care x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

R, 

I just want to say 'hang in there'... Yes, it's sh*tty, tough, excrutiatingly unfair, infuriating and there isn't a bit of your life it doesn't poison..... If I say, 'but it gets better' here it will sound patronising and meaningless, so I won't, but I do want to ask you to have faith in your future, it can be a good one...

I'm a bit knackered after a hectic day, so I'll write a proper reply to your post tomorrow - but, having got in from the pub and seen your post I couldn't not write a little something, seeing you were still on-line, and having some idea of how you may be feeling....

We are all here for you, holding you up - try and picture this, if it helps...

Lots of love flying cross country to you,

MM xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Redmond and Hazel,

As we regulars have said so often recently, we understand how difficult it is to find yourself at the end of the ttc road. Lots of people don't seem to be able to bring themselves to post here for ages, though we know lots of people come to have a look. So we welcome you while acknowledging your pain. I hope you will both find solace and support here. As Redmond says, this place is somewhere you can say how you are feeling and be understood.

I think it is a good idea to go for counselling as IF and failed tx does bring all sots of painful emotions. A lot of us describe it as a grief, but know that because it may be unseen and hidden, the rest of the world does not necessarily recognise it or offer much sensitivity or support. Because it can be hard to get the support we need at this dificult time from our frinds and family, we often hope to get it from our partners. We expect them to understand because they are going through the same grief. The trouble is that they may not have the emotional strength themselves to fullfill all our needs, so counselling may help us get through this with an intact relationship.

What you say about your partners highlights that for many couples, men and women deal with IF differently. I speak from experience. In the face of my depression following the end of our own ttc journey, my DH ended up feeling that maybe I felt he was not enough for me, and this hurt him perhaps more than childlessness. Meanwhile, I thought our different reactions meant that he did not care enough for me. After a very long struggle, I am proud of our extremely strong bond.

It can help to understand that different ways of reacting and coping does not mean that each partner does not feel hurt or care about the other, nor that a couple is incompatible. Sometimes you need to give each other space to deal with things your own different ways. But it is best if you can keep the communication channels open so you can try to understand one another. If one partner wants to talk more than the other, it can help to recognise that a compromise may be needed on both sides. 

It is often more acceptable still in our society for women to cry and to want to talk things through, while men feel they should be strong. (Just look at how few men are on this site.) I think many men who actually love their partners dearly end up feeling powerless to support their partners and also do not want to add to the woman's grief by sharing their own feelings. 

So do not dispair of your relationships. If you can survive this, you can survive most things life can throw at you.

I also recognise what you have said about issues around friends and work, but I need to go to bed now!  Keep coming here and you will find ideas about how others cope with these challenges. 

Lots of love to you,

Jq xxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hi ya,

I thought i would like to add to this, as both myself and wife have been going through the same process as yourself.
I think you look back at yourselves and wonder what you have put yourself through.

When i married my wife it was because i loved her very much, although children became a big issue for us we both began to accept that it wasn't going to happen for us, although this has been very distressing for us both we are some how getting through it each day.

We found that talking alot has always helped us, how we both feel and what plans we are going to lay for the future.

The start to your thread is exactly what my wife has gone through, and her friends lately have turned there backs on her which i feel very sorry for her as she has always been there for them through tough times.

But we are looking forward to the future together still, i still love my wife as much as the day we married, if not more now.

Everything you are going through now is a mirror of what my wife has gone through, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Just remember we all need to talk through things, no matter how private of a person you are, communication is the way forward.

Maybe start by having a meal with your DH

As Maggie Mae has already mentioned we are all here for one another, don't feel you are alone going through this

Kindest regards Cheese xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Cheese!

So glad you posted here! It is always great to hear from you.

I hope you don't mind when some of us regular women talk about how in our experience men and women often react differently. (To coin a phrase, men are from Mars, women are from Venus....) It does not mean that we think *all * men react like Martians! You have never put such words into our mouths, but I just wanted to make sure you don't feel we are stereotyping you!

It sounds as though the one thing Mrs Cheese has not had to go through is any difficulty understanding your feelings or in knowing you understand hers. It sounds as though you are a man who shares how he is feeling. In my book, that makes you strong and special. I am sure that is how you are in Mrs Cheese's book too!

Love,

Jq xxx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

jq no problem,

Your right in what you are saying, i am not afraid to show my feelings and never have been.

But sharing your feelings through the whole tx route and life as whole has been paramount.
Just a little "how are you feeling today" helps to as you both have some kind of understanding of how you are actually feeling at the moment in time.

I have suffered with depression like my wife through all of this, and i think it comes hand in hand with the tx road.
But you have to look ahead and to the future, dwelling on the past has never been the answer to me.

I have said it before and i will say it again, i admire everybody who posts on this section, as we are and have been walking in one another shoe's through this time period.

We both know how painfull it is and how much we are all hurting, but maybe one thing that will come out of it all is, we all have a better understanding of grief and understanding of other peoples pain.

I would like to think of it as something special, but i just feel i have a better understanding of people and life, like so many of us on this site.

Here for the long haul,

Cheese xx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Dear Redmond,

4 weeks isn't a very long time at all. I know what you mean, because probably in the past you were able to think about the next tx, and how you would prepare - and how it would be different next time. This time is different, because it was your final tx. That raises the most deeply painful feelings. Instead of hope for the next time, you are faced with an ending, and how many of us are any good at dealing with that? I am so, so sorry you have found yourself at this point, because I can well remember how I felt at the same place on my own IF journey. Eventually you will be able to see that this is a beginning as well as an ending, but not for a while. The way you feel now is part of the grieving process, and I truly believe that counselling would be helpful for you.

I also remember questioning my marriage, partly because I didn't see the point of being with someone if I couldn't have children, and partly because of DH's behaviour. We didn't really talk about it. Well, not strictly true, I talked and he shrugged his shoulders! We got through, and are now happy again. He told me eventually that he hated seeing me so miserable, and didn't want to talk about it because it just made me cry. He thought that if he didn't say anything, all the bad stuff would somehow magically disappear and stop being a problem! I have now trained him to ask me how I am feeling on a regular basis, and to respond with a cuddle whatever I say.

I too lost most of my friends. Mostly because I let them go - when they had children I found it too painful to be around them. And I'm afraid that, of the few I did tell, only one or two stuck by me - I don't think the others knew what to say to me. I gave up my job for a few years and started my own small business, just so that I could concentrate on getting pg! It's all a bit of a joke now, because I was doing well at my previous job and the gap on my cv now doesn't do me any favours, plus I became more isolated. All of that and no baby. Life sucks.

I would say to you and to Hazel (and anyone else who finds themselves here) - counselling is a good choice. In a posting a few weeks ago (I think) Maggie Mae explained how to find an appropriate counsellor. If you can find the strength, make that call, and let the floodgates open.

It really does get better  

Lots of love,
Solitaire
xxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi there folks

I can relate entirely to your situation regarding being a private person thus finding it difficult to talk to the people around you Redmond. I would recommend finding someone you can talk to who will help you explore your emotions right now. 

Outwardly I was carrying on as normal, inwardly I was going to pieces and I didn't feel I could express it to anyone. (I'm the family "coper" therefore I cope.) Eventually I found a complimentary therapist who was also a very, very good listener and I was amazed by the therapeutic value of opening up - even though it took me a few sessions to get going (initially it felt deeply uncomfortable expressing my emotions).

I also find this forum very helpful because I do feel able to express both the ups and downs of my situation without any fallout.

Mr Cheese, how's Mrs Cheese? If memory serves my correctly she's been in hospital recently - how goes the recovery?

Anyway, gotta dash, I'm on my way out. I just wanted to say hang in there, we know how you're feeling and it's normal.

Bye for now

flipper


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## redmond (Jun 29, 2006)

Hi all,
just wanted to say thank-you for all your replies and kind, wise words of comfort.  Had a hard week but you all make me realise I'm not alone and the way I'm feeling is normal and will improve. This is such a supportive place it is the only time I feel people really get how it is and that helps stop me feeling so isolated. I am finally realising how my infertility has impacted on my life in all areas.  It's hard to explain but while actively having treatment I really thought it was a part of my life and I was coping with it well.  Don't know if that makes sense?  It is only since I've stopped treatment that i realise it has actually impacted on every bit of my life and how huge it is to me.  I am trying hard to take things slowly and DP and me are communicating a touch better.  I actually forced myself to go to a party the other night knowing a friend who is due when I would have been would be there.  I was pleased how well I was coping and actually enjoying myself.  Then just before we were about to leave a guy I had never met before but had been chatting to, asked me if I had any children.  I couldn't quite beleive what I heard but calmly said no, he then asked me if I had no regrets!!!!  I nearly laughed out loud I was that gobsmacked-people are just unbelievable.  Well I really wanted to give it him both barrels but didn't really want to upset DP or expose myself so just said no I don't like children-silly response I know but it's hard to come up with something when put on the spot!!! I look forward to the day when I feel strong enough to deal with that kind of crass insensitivity with the directness it deserves!  Anyway thats a whole other rant I won't bore you all with! Thanks again to you all and hope everyone has a good weekend x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi R, 

I'm glad that this place has helped - I have been incredibly grateful for it's existence over and over again in the last year.

I wanted to acknowledge your stating that you now realise how it has impacted every part of your life - on the surface this could seem to others a rather negative thing to state, but to me, its the beginning of things getting better. You can't fix a problem till you know what your problem is. Recognising which parts of your life need new strategies or plans in order that they begin to work for you again has to be the start of improvements, doesn't it? 

And the social situation thing will get easier, and one day you will find 'your phrase', the thing you say that gives people just the amount of information you want them to have, and crucially, holds them back from saying further things that may drift into being stupid or upsetting...

Stick with this place, R, knowing that your safe to rant here!!!!

Love to you, 

MM xxxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi redmond

I think you have hit the nail on the head there about just how isolating going through infertility can be, and how difficult it is to survive in 'everyday exsistance'. Good for you for holding your own at the party and being able to remain calm in the face of adversity - in other words - that cheeky so and so asking you a very personal question!

We all have our own ways of dealing with others and their comments. Me, I am very vocal - but that is me and my way of coping. You will as MM says find your own way to stop people and their comments or insensitive things they say dead in their tracks one day. Until then, remember that you are most certainly not alone here and that we understand where you're coming from, and are always on hand with an ear or two to listen to you rant about the pillocks you meet along the way who say the wrong things!

Hope you have a great weekend hon.

Love,
Emcee xxx


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