# Finding the strength to go again



## Sew it (Jul 30, 2013)

Hi all, 

I had my first IVF resulting in a BFN in July.

Just found out we've reached the top of the NHS list much earlier than we thought.  We can go any time we are ready to.

My question is for those ladies who have gone on to do more IVF after a failed attempt.  How do you get over the fear and find the strength to go through it all again.  

I'm not worried about the actual treatment, just it not working.  I was devastated last time it didn't work and honestly don't know how I made it through.  It was such a dark time, I don't know if I can face going back there again.

Any advice on how to cope and find the courage?

Thanks, 

Sew It x


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## JFizz (Oct 16, 2012)

Hi Sew it, 

Like you i'm struggling with the thought of starting treatment again and it not going to plan. I haven't had a BFN, but have had 2 cycles abandoned just before egg collection and have really struggled with picking myself up again after the devastation. I'm sorry if an abandoned cycle doesn't seem comparable to a BFN I have no idea how hard that must be. 

I'm terrified that something will go wrong again, the cycle will be abandoned, I won't have enough follicles, there will be no sperm, we won't get any embryos and worst of all a BFN. I'm also terrified that I have no idea how many more times I will have to go through this heartache and if i'm strong enough to cope. 

The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that we have a chance, a chance it could work and we can have a family of our own. 

I'm also going to see the counselor at my clinic this week to see if they have any words of inspiration. 

xx


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## Maria00 (May 16, 2013)

Hi sew it,

like you I've been struggling to go again after my BFN in August. I kept thinking it was not meant to be for me and DH to have a family (we had a very bad experience with our Plan A = adoption at the beginning of the year too). A couple of weeks ago I decided to see the counselor at my clinic.... and I felt soooooooo much better!   It really helped and gave me hope again. I am not looking forward to doing another cycle in Jan/Feb. 

Maybe you can do the same and see the counselor at your clinic too?  

Best of luck!


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## Helend75 (Dec 9, 2012)

I am completely with you!
Cycle 1 was, in a strange way exciting; my opportunity to have a family - in a couple of months time I might be pregnant! I'd worked out where the 12 week point would be (just before a big gathering of friends - perfect!) & when I'd finish work for maternity. Then the BFN came. It happened on a Friday & I took the weekend out to lick my wounds but was back at work Monday. 4 months later I started again, and only when day 1 of dr came along did I realise how emotionally unprepared for all this I was - i had a good mind to cancel the cycle myself. I spent the whole cycle completely despondent & could not see the point in what I was doing; why should it work this time?
I'm now in the position of having got my BFP but my first scan didn't quite go to plan (small for 7 weeks & slow heartbeat) & to be honest I've got every reason to assume the worst will now happen. I know I'll need some time off. I was so miserable during cycle 2 that I swore blind if I had a bfn I wouldn't put myself through it again (but then battled with the idea that if I didn't I was basically putting an end to any dream of having a family of my own).

I spent yesterday morning in tears to the GP. I don't think I've grieved for the fact I need ivf at all, that cycle 1 didn't work & everything has come crashing in as I feel I'm just biding time until this pregnancy goes belly up & have lots of worries about the future. Even if I do come round to the idea of cycle 3 I suspect OH has his reservations seeing what j go through. My GP was really good & is suggesting I see a councillor at our local gynae ward (my ivf clinic is some distance away).

You're both young enough to afford a few months before treatment - I really wouldn't recommend going through a cycle in the frame of mind I was #2 - even if it did result in a BFP. I've been thoroughly miserable & resentful - or maybe that's normal (to a degree) after 1 cycle when you appreciate a bit more that IVF isn't the miracle cure. Take time & be at peace with yourself whenever you start a cycle!


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## Sew it (Jul 30, 2013)

Thank you ladies for your lovely replies!

JFizz - I am sure a cancelled cycle is just as devastating as a BFN, I can't imagine what that must be like.  I guess both things are tough, just in different ways. You sum up how I feel.  I too am terrified that I'll need to go through this over and over again with no end in sight.

Maria00 - thanks for your virtual hugs!  I have been seeing my counsellor who is helping a bit.  Its just all so frightening.  Do you feel prepared to go again?

Helend75 - I am very sorry that things didn't go well at your scan and I really hope that everything works out for you.  It must be devastating for you and OH.  I agree that cycle 1 was exciting!  For all the reasons that you mention, but now it seems like those things are out of reach.  thanks for the words of advice too, I think I do need a wee bit more time, and we have time to think about when to go again, so best to use that time wisely.

Thank you ladies, it is nice to know I am not alone in feeling scared.  I read stories of women who go through this 7/8/9 times and I can't believe it and I can't relate to them so at least I know that others find it scary too.

hugs xx


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## Maria00 (May 16, 2013)

No, and I don't think I'll ever feel prepared to go again   but I will be 39 soon and I really want a family. When DH and I met we talked of having 4 kids... yeah, right!  
After the counseling I decided I really have to try one more time instead of crying and feel pity for myself   .... and if it's meant to be, then I will get my BFP.  
Good luck for the future!


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## monty moo (May 1, 2013)

Hi girls,

Just wanted to join in here and say reading this makes me feel Im not alone, been feeling all of the fear and anxieties you all are discussing. I too had a failed ivf in july and had 4 acquaintences and a cousin all of whom had success on their 1st attempt. I just assumed it would work for me too. I am also attending counselling now and was told to look at ivf as a course of treatments. Its very hard to stay positive and im so scared of the dissapointment of another cycle but Im determined that I will do 3 if thats what it takes to roll the dice enough times! Its crippling the fear that we may go throught this and not succeed but the thought of doing nothing and facing month after month of no success without ivf is no better to my mind x I wish you all the very best I cycle again in Dec/Jan and hope Ill be calmer and wiser this time round x


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## bekiboo13 (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi Sew it

I just hold on to the fact that ive only to gain from getting back to treatment. Yes another bfn will be heartbreaking, but no more so than the years we tried for a natural bfp with no joy - there are no certainties with ivf but i know that it is my best chance.  Ive also made sure ive got lots of other things to look forward to as treatment can take over your life.  Completely understand how u are feeling. When are you looking to cycle again? Xx


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