# How do you live your life around ivf?



## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

Sorry for the rant that's going to follow...

I just can't figure it out! Since I started the whole IVF thing, almost a year ago, I feel that my life has been on hold. Everything is around appointments, scans, injections and I don't seem to find a way out. The latest is that my period is late, normally I wouldn't care but with IVF a late period can cause delay, cancel cycles and throw everything away. I am booked for a FET in March, I did everything right, even took the bloody contraceptive pill that I hate and nothing went as planned, my period is late. I called the clinic and the nurse said "Can you come in for a scan today? If not you'll have to come tomorrow and if your lining is too thick we might continue with the injections or cancel" and here I am now, crying my eyes out. First of all, I have a job, a really stressing, demanding job, I can't just say "Oh btw, I can't come in tomorrow" no, unless I am dying or something and even so someone will probably check that this is actually happening. I know making a baby should take priority but I can't get free IVF, I have to pay and it costs...a lot, I have to work, there is no way around it. Luckly enough tomorrow I will start work late so I probably can make it to the scan but it could have been the other way around. 
For this FET I booked holiday so  I can stay at home and be stress free in my one week wait, I can't take 2 weeks so I'll call it my one week wait, I am going to test early anyway  and know by the time I will go back. That if manage to have this FET because my period seems to have other plans.
I am just so upset, nothing goes as planned, I started this rollercoaster nearly a year ago and all I managed to have is 2 BFN, a lot of hearthache, lots of tears, stress and a big hole in my account. My job is getting more demanding and I can't seem to cope, I used to be a career woman, now I am there barely hanging, I failed exams and I have no desire of doing better, my social life is crap, it wasn't amazing anyway but since the failures most of friends avoid me big time and I kinda accept it because I am just so tired and have no time. One of my best friends had a baby last year, she gave birth around the time I found out my second cycle failed...we briefly talked then and nothing since, I didn't ask how motherhood is, she didn't ask how non-motherhood-crappy life is either.
I tried counselling earlier this year and I was just so bloody dissapointed, I got out of there and started crying, the bottom line of the conversation being that I probably need to see my GP to get some antidepressants, that I shouldn't look too much into it, that IVF doesn't always work and I should accept this and I should stay away from reading forums because  it will just make it worse for me, lol...I obviously didn't listen that one. 
I don't need antidepresants, all I need is to see 2 lines on a pregnancy test. 
Sometimes I feel that there is nothing in my life but IVF, I feel trapped  I can't imagine my life without a child but I am afraid IVF is going to ruin me.
I read stories here about women that tried 8-9-10 times and I wonder if I will have the strength to do so. 
I just hate how all in my life is about IVF, I want to try for a baby but I want my life back too. I want to stop thinking about my period, if it's late, if it came, if I did my injections today, I want to be able to drink a glass of wine without feeling quilty. Is that even possible?


----------



## Kitkat496 (Jun 14, 2013)

Hi Aley 

First off - a big hug. I completely understand how you feel. I think the only useful thing I have come to realize is that IVF and a type A personality do not go together well. It is a terribly hard thing to do but I have had to learn to accept that things will not go as planned and also accept that it will take longer than anticipated. It's not (only) about treatment rounds but just to coordinate one treatment round.....

I too tried to fit a FET last October into my busy work schedule and was stressing and going crazy (my husband hated me and probably reconsidered having kids) to make it fit into exactly that long weekend that I could take off. Well, it was a BFN and now we are back to the drawing board. We then had to find a new donor but that did not work out, so another delay, then the coordinator went on vacation, then there will be another inevitable delay as I cannot take time out in April and so on and on. 

I try to just accept things now. I wanted to rush it and get it over with (get my babies and move on in life) but that did not entirely work so yes, if I am lucky to get pregnant again my kids will be much further apart in age than I wanted, yes, I will have to come up with more stupid excuses why I  miss work and maybe I will even have to be the delaying party if things get too crazy at work exactly when treatment is scheduled. 

It sucks. Infertility sucks. Keep breathing. And drinking wine. Very little concrete evidence of any particular food/drink affecting your fertility. My clinic even told me to have a glass of wine a night during the 2week wait to relax...


----------



## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Hi



One thing I have learnt for us along the way through our journey is to try and not be too rigid with everything i.e.  Expect delays, expect things to not go to a strict time plan, expect things to crop up that challenge us during the cycles. That way it keeps stress levels down. Cycles very often do not go to plan for whatever reason. Have to try and accept that happens and deal with each as a little hurdle that you will get over or around and keep moving forward. 

It can all be overwhelming at times  

Sorry you found counselling unhelpful. Have you considered another counsellor as it can take a couple of people before finding one that is right for you. I found my counsellor extremely helpful although took me a couple of sessions to work out whether was going to really help at the time. Now I see it as priceless tool which helps me now. 

Keep going hun. Keep talking to those around you who you can talk to. 

I have learnt over the years the friends and family we can count on and those who sadly we have let go along the way for various reasons. 

I can honestly say if you can try and see the hurdles thrown at you are all meant in a weird way and it will all work itself out with a bit of jiggling about and patience. The whole cycle needs a lot of patience - don't see you as failing just because something goes wrong during the cycle, not quite going to plan - try and calmly work through whatever it is with the support around you and your clinic. 

If you do not feel supported by your clinic then change clinic (if needs be) next time. Hopefully won't need to. 

Try to remain as stress free as possible. 

Good luck xx


----------



## Hereshoping99 (Dec 10, 2016)

Hi Aley,
Could you tell your work what you're trying to do? Would they then be more understanding if you do have to suddenly call in that you're going to be late one day? Can you talk to your HR department about it? I mean if someone had cancer then work would be understanding about them doing these things. I know it's not the same, but some work places can be really understanding. Maybe you've thought about this and it's not possible, but I wanted to mention it. I haven't told work but some friends of mine said maybe I should. I'm considering it. If I have more days like today they'll figure it out anyway!
Good luck and a big hug.


----------



## Teeinparis (Sep 15, 2013)

Hi! 

I honestly didn't.  I ended up with a 2 year + career break.  Having a baby was the most important and I couldn't take work due to the variability of the schedules.  This IVF cycle I was commuting 3 hours to the clinic and they called at 630 pm to get me at the clinic to before 12 noon the next day.  I wasn't even home from visiting them.

I had to give up a PHD and other things .  

It really sucks!


----------



## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Have to agree with here's hoping99 hun. 

I am so lucky with my work as from the time I have told them they have been nothing but understanding. It got to a point initially where was trying not to tell but with scans etc etc became impossible - didn't want to become more stressed trying to hide it. Was a big relief telling them and actually having their support. 

If I need time off for bits then make it up in lunch hours etc. 

We are cycling abroad now so using holiday and medical leave. 

Really hope our posts have helped a little. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself less stressed do it. 

Good luck xx


----------



## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

Thank you for your kind words, girls. 

In regards to saying something to work colleagues/HR...well, I tried and it didn't go as expected. I didn't even say I was doing IVF as I am quite a private person but I did say I need to attend clinic appointments for fertility issues and the way I was treated afterwards it really made me feel like sh*t. I regret saying it and I know I wont be doing it again. Maybe I am wrong but I have the impression that people have lots of support and sympathy for a married woman in her late 30s, 40s that is doing fertility treatment but me being gay and young, barely 30 I get the "Well, it's your own choice/fault." and therefore I should't ask for favors. 
Which I am not to be honest, even now I feel so ill, have a horrible headache, thanks to downreg injections and I probably slept 3-4 h in the last 24, same as yesterday but I will go to work and do my job, yes, it's my choice to have a baby and I have to cope with whatever.
Career break is a bit impossible for me but I am consider a change if my 3 embryos are a failure as well. I don't think I can go on like this forever.


----------



## Ems77 (Mar 3, 2017)

Dear Aley, your post resonated deeply with me as I've felt similar despair with delays, period not coming when it should. Tests going wrong, miscommunications set backs and delays. The pressure is all consuming and I felt like jacking it in sometimes (although deep down I really didn't )
It all changed when I gave up work. If you have any option to do that I would as it was the best decision. I thought ivf would never come, always a huge mountain ahead to climb, but it did and was a joy to do. 6 months prior I would have gone into it with feelings of definite failure. I think what helped me was putting my health and life first without guilt. I wish you all the very best! !!


----------



## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

I completely understand how you feel. IVF takes over your life in a way you never think it will.

I agree with the others. You have to put yourself first. If IVF is what you want to do, then you need to put it first. As hard a choice as it is to make, because we all need an income, sometimes taking medical/sick leave, or even a career break, can make a huge difference. Stress plays a very negative role in the outcome of our IVF cycles!

For me, I gave up my job (it was something I had wanted to do anyway, IVF or not) I wasn't happy there so I quit and went self-employed/freelance. Best thing I ever did! I know that not everyone has that option, and quitting your job isn't the only way to do it if you can have a break.

Put yourself first!


----------



## Pognut (Apr 8, 2012)

Just wanted to say - my work were rubbish about my taking leave for IVF, but my GP signed me off sick for three weeks. The progesterone was making me feel ill so she was able to say it was because of side effects from medication, and didn't even mention the IVF at all. Might be worth seeing if your GP can help - doctors seem to be really helpful with this. Best of luck.


----------



## KDJay (Sep 21, 2015)

Just wanted to provide an alternative as there seems a lot of advice about taking a career break or ivf taking over, I found it quite the opposite and both myself and my gf had treatment but both worked full time in demanding stressful jobs, I got to the clinic for their first appt 8am and usually turned up earlier and was seen and then went to work which was 90 mins/60 miles away, took days holiday for ec and et was on a weekend. It can be done, acupuncture was my Saving grace and kept me level throughout xxxx


----------



## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

KDJay, unfortunately you can't always schedule et or ec on a weekend but other than that I agree that is possible, after all I did manage to have 2 full cycles while working but is more about the stress of it, trying to organise everything, stress of I might not get that day free and so on.

I agree with others  too, sometimes giving up looks so tempting. 
I was so looking forward for my maternity leave, I had everything matched up perfectly but no... 
For my second round I tried acupuncture and guess what, I was getting actually more stressed trying to fit that in my day so now I am just keeping the basics, acupuncture clearly didn't help me anyway.
Thank you so much everyone for your words, I am thinking of a solution but hopefully if this work I'll get to enjoy my mat leave...at least I am trying to be positive.


----------



## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Good luck Aley!

I don't think there are many ladies that are able to give up work - I certainly couldn't - so don't worry. Although would be amazing to be able to of course. 

Think really may be worth trying to stress manage - I find meditation fab to wind down just before bed. Plenty of CDs around. I use You Tube meditation videos for ivf and fertility which do the trick for me. 

Told stress isn't good for your body generally so defo worth doing things you enjoy - or that help with aliviating it as much as you can. No matter how small. Make sure you have "you" time to switch off at times. 

There will always be a certain amount of stress - just trying to keep on top of it and try and keep each part in its own little box and don't let it all overwhelm you as it is. 

We all have our moments and you get through it. It will all be worth it in the end. 

Good luck xx


----------



## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

Thank you nat1dragonfly.
I am not big on mediation either but what does help is having that 'me time' when I blast the music and just forget about everything. Stress is definitely not good and there are days when I think my failures are because of me being  too busy, too stressed and overworked. 
Good luck to you too, I see you've had cycles abroad as well...and here I am complaining the clinic is 2h away.


----------



## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

Whatever works hun- everyone is different - blast that music on and get the feel good hormones circulating  

To be honest we found our clinic which was an hour away far more stressful than going abroad. We just factor it in as a sort of holiday as such. Being away from work and everything helps massively. 

Thank you. Good luck to you too hun 

Xx


----------



## aissha (Nov 3, 2009)

Aley, your words could have been mine a few years ago, it can and does become all consuming. I also tried accupuncture and lovely as it was, trying to get to the appointments was even more stress, so I too gave it up. I got lucky, a friend on here recommended a friend of hers who is a reflexologist and I started going to her every sunday afternoon and it really kept me sane. In some of the cycles I was able to see her a few times at key points of the cycle and I honestly believe that it got me to my first ever bfp


----------



## Moomin16 (Nov 10, 2015)

It is really hard isn't it. I have not had a proper holiday in 2 years as we have just been using leave for cycles. I am broke from it all - husband's 40th coming up and I have done nothing. I have been really lucky as work have been super supportive in the last few months and I have been able to work from home (godsend) and my work load has come down significantly reducing stress. Sounds like your job is really tough going - I would try and relax as much as possible although I know this is so much easier said than done. As others have said... I just take each day as it comes and deep breaths. Expect things to be delayed and for them to go wrong  - that way you are  prepared and not too disappointed. Hang in there, you're not alone.


----------



## Claudia H (Oct 2, 2015)

Aley,

I really do sympathise. I find it funny when people say to me, 'oh you are so brave for keeping going.' I think - no - its the other way round. The brave person is the one who makes the very tough decision to admit things aren't working and stop. But I can't face that, so the only other option is to just keep going. It's not out of bravery, its out of fear of childlessness and the lack of any other option. 

My life also feels like its been on hold for years. I am freelance which means short term fixed contracts which are full time and demanding. Sometimes I am lucky and treatment falls in between but sometimes I just have to suck it up. I try to get the appointments before work but they are usually always taken so I end up getting the earliest i can get but that always makes me late. And the way my clinic works, if you are just having a scan and no blood test (e.g. FET) you can only have them in the afternoons which means leaving work and coming back. My work have been very understanding up until now but there is only so far you can push it. 

I do feel that my life totally evolves around treatment. We can't plan anything as we never know what will be happening in a few months. And then the financial burden on top means you don't want to spend money in case you need it for another cycle. My career has been going solidly nowhere too. I have turned down promotions and opportunities as I always need to focus on this. I have to be available for treatment - that's the bottom line. 

It is also entirely all consuming and I find it hard to think about much else. There is always something to worry about. Why didn't the cycle work, should I be changing protocl? Quick do some more research!!! Should I be testing for this and this and this.... when can we start again, are my follicles growing, how many will contain eggs, how many will fertilise, will we have blasts, will they be normal, will I get pregnant? Right now I am also waiting for AF in order to start stimms again on cycle number 6 but she is nowhere to be seen. Apart from about 4 weeks break in total I have basically been on medication solidly since last August. always different and varying amounts but in Jan I was on 7 different things a day. It really is hard to have room for much else in your life when your day is a constant mix of injections, pills, scans and tests. 

The only thing that keeps my going though is knowing that this is a stage and no matter what the outcome it will pass. In 10 years time our lives will look very different. With children or not - we won't be standing still and all this will just seem like a distant bad memory. 

hang in there girl
xx


----------



## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

Thank you girls. 
Funny enough holiday is over and I'll go back to work this week...I can't even think about it, I just don't have the strength. 

As moomin, I too had to take anual leave for this and knowing that I have to go back to work and people will assume I just had a great holiday and ask questions is just making me angry! No, I didn't go to some exotic place, I had things poking my vagina and I poas big time admitting defeat eventually. 

Claudia, sometimes I feel that I want someone to tell me 'listen here, you can't have children' so that I can move on with my life. It sounds awful but I am at that point. I can't stop, I can't just wake up one morning and decide I won't do more treatment I actually think I am addicted to it.
I can't imagine myself going through 6 cycles but I know I will if I have too. I wish you good luck with yours, as you said, it will all pass.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Jengles (Mar 3, 2016)

Aley I completely agree with your post. I do find it very hard that it just takes over your whole life, plans on hold, social life out the window. Living like a damn health freak. 

Now we've just had a chemical pregnancy although I'm totally sad I do feel some relief that I can be me again. No drugs/apts/do's and don'ts on eating and alcohol. I went for a bottomless brunches on Sunday and really enjoyed it. It doesn't mean I want that more than a child but so many people get to have both, why can't we? 

Although some of you have talked about taking a career break it just isn't as easy for everyone. As the breadwinner in my marriage if I quit work I'm not sure at all how we'd cope and also it would probably drive me even more mad if I was at home while all my friends with kids were and posting pictures of all their day trips and "first" moments. I was lucky that I could take holiday and some unpaid leave for my 2ww which is difficult to explain to colleagues but I don't care so long as I gave it my best shot.


----------



## Aley (Dec 13, 2016)

Jengles, I completely understand. 
First thing, I don't care if it sounds bad but being able to drink alcohol after my failures was probably one of the few things that helped. Not the counselling or trying on some meditation apps, the alcohol! 
I am back to my usual now and actually trying to avoid alcohol. 
Second, I am too the one with the stable job and at the moment my wife is actually out of work, she's contracting so it can be a month, it can be 3 by the time she finds another job. How can I, despite the fact that I find it hard and hate going to work, quit? Especially when we have to pay for ivf. I can't, I have to suck it up and do it. I am considering changing paths...more to do with the fact that I am unhappy in my job anyway but that's not easy either. 
Most of days I feel trapped, between ivf and my job, can't quit any. 
The other day one of my colleagues said to me 'if you want a break from the job, just get pregnant and go on maternity leave!' 
Thanks! Great tip! Except for....wait a second...oh yeah, I CAN'T GET PREGNANT!  obviously no one at work knows about ivf, they are all a bunch of idiots not giving a damn anyway.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Jengles (Mar 3, 2016)

Agree nothing wrong with a drink, I am enjoying wine again and certainly helps with the pain and grief. 

Oh Aley, why have we both ended up between a rock and a hard place! I feel exactly the same, esp as it's 4 years on Monday and I took this job because it is supposed to be less stressful (it's not) and closer to home so therefore better for having children. 

Essentially even though I'm not the biggest fan of my job Ive screwed up my career by staying so long at this place, I have been doing the same thing for 4 years and other people have been given the bigger more exciting projects while I'm stuck on the same thing because I'm "reliable" When my boss learned about the ivf he was even less likely to.move me as when I was pregnant what would be the point when I would be going on maternity leave in a few months. Who knew I was going to lose the baby? I also wanted to change career paths I can't as I'm in limbo now, don't want to.switch or go freelance to get more money and then lose my benefits. We haven't even gotten into paying for IVF yet I'm praying we get one more cycle from a loophole of moving to a new area which hopefully will give us a third cycle. 

Sometimes I do wonder if it is all worth it? Maybe we should just try and be a couple who doesn't have children. Enjoy our lives and pay off the mortgage.


----------



## OHradicals (Jul 13, 2012)

I really feel for you. IVF obliterates normal life and normal thinking.

Maybe you need a break from the IVF for a little while?


----------

