# Baby Talk



## Edna (Mar 19, 2005)

Hi guys. I need some advice 

I go to quite a few mums groups with my girl and have met a nice group of women and Evelyn has some lovely friends. I usually enjoy them and value the friends I've met. However at the moment I find I'm dreading going to them. All the talk is about who is expecting number 2, impending births, about names, plans to ttc etc. Optimistic happy conversations. I'm feeling a bit down and negative and not really coping with these conversations very well. Anyone got some tips or advice on how to manage. I don't want to turn into a hermit so am still going to go along but need some coping strategies.


Edna


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## gizmo123 (Nov 19, 2005)

Hi Edna,

I just wanted to send   your way as I totally understand how you are feeling at the mo. I don't know what words of wisdom I can offer as I don't think I have any great strategies that I've found as of yet. I will be most interested to read what others have said. Take care - your little girl looks a sweetie by the way.

Gizmo x


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## leanne marie (Mar 12, 2007)

Sorry Edna i dont have any advice for you, i hate it when i get dragged in to babytalk, its fine on here because everyone knows what i am going through, but i find myself just saying that we havent really made our mind up yet as to wether we want anymore children, i feel awful for lying but I dont know what else to say!!!!  Its very difficult


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## Hun (Jul 14, 2003)

Hi Edna

I have had to deal with this for nearly 3 years now. I too have been through periods of wanting to stay away, but I know in the long run, that is not what is best for HH, as he needs to have friends, and even more so if he will be an only child. All of my NCT group now have number 2, and 2 are pg with No 3.

My coping strategies depend on how I am feeling.

My first is to be honest about where we are at and our situation.  Sometimes my honesty embarrases people - ie a girl I don't know very well, saying how disappointed she was that No 2 hadn't been a girl (she has a son HH's age), oh and are you going to have any more? I told her about our 4 failed treatments, and she looked so embarrased that I did feel genuinely sorry for her. On the whole though, it does make people slightly more thoughtful about things, and in my mind it can only be a good thing that people appreciate that having kids is not so easy for everyone.

My second is to spend all the time presuming that more pg's will be annouced that day. I guess its just about not being taken by surprise, and its about preparing yourself for the eventually inevitable moment.

My third is to realise its ok to have days and feel miserable and not like facing everyone. I try and focus on an element of my life that makes me feel really happy on those days, or instead do something special, like going out for a pizza, or a walk in the woods with HH or take him swimming instead of go to my regular group.

My fourth way is by telling myself however 'good' other peoples lives look on the surface, things are rarely as perfect as all that. And that when I hear someone is pg again, or had another baby etc, instead of thinking that 'I wish that was me' I try and think ok, thats nice for them, but nothing in that annoucement has actually changed in my own situation, and on the whole my life is good.

The 4th is the most important one for me - I guess its also hardest to explain, but its about externalising the 'happy news', rather than letting it get inside me, eat away and make me sad and resentful.

Wishing you much success with your FET.

Hun xx


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## Minkey (May 22, 2004)

Edna,

Can't offer any advice really but I can really understand what you mean - I went through it too & sending you big hugs  

Minkey x


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## Edna (Mar 19, 2005)

Leanne, Minkey and Gizmo, thankyou for your hugs. Very much appreciated. I'm glad I'm not alone. Before I had Evelyn I used to distance myself from babies when I was feeling down but I don't feel thats an option now.

Hun, many thanks for your thoughts. I like your coping strategies although I'm not sure I'm always feeling grown up enough for all of them all of the time. I agree entirely that its very important for Evelyn to have a good network of friends particularly if we are unsuccessful. Wishing you the best of luck for this cycle.


Edna


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## Betty M (Dec 6, 2005)

Hi Edna

I have felt exactly the same way too. 

It took me a long time and 3 more cycles (one FET, 2 fresh) to get my second and in that time my NCT group had nearly all had another one and in some cases two more (apart from the two youngest who repectively got pg by accident and on honeymoon and proceeded to conceive their 2nds the 2nd month they tried sometime after I finally had success). It was really hard. In some ways it was harder than the initial IF. 

My NCT group don't know about the IVF but did know I was TTC. One coping mechanism I used was to say my failed cycles were m/c - well one was so it wasnt too much of a lie. It definitely made them back off asking too many questions about whether I was pregnant yet and made them very solicitous about announcing their pregnancies from then on - no more cheery texts or group announcements but instead one on ones. I also, and this is really terrible and I still feel bad about it now, was secretly glad when one of the group started having real difficulties in conceiving another child. Otherwise I used strategies like Hun's - trying to focus on the good stuff and assuming everyone was about to announce a pg all the time. 

I still have pangs now some of them are going on to their thirds and I confess I am insanely jealous of the 5 (yes 5) natural pgs after IVF that have happened since Z was born on 3 of the FF threads I am most active on. It is not even that I actively want another I just want it to be easy for me for a change. 

Sorry this has turned into a totally me post but anyway I just wanted to say you aren't alone, I feel for you and am rooting for you for your next FET.

Bettyx


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## Edna (Mar 19, 2005)

Betty,

Thanks for your post. I don't think that it was a "me" post and I appreciate your honesty and sharing your feelings. It does help me feel less alone.

lol


Edna.

PS. 5 natural pregnancies...thats amazing and I agree I am so jealous.


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## karen (Mar 23, 2002)

Hi Edna,

I agree with most of what Hun said - some sound advice. I did tell alot of people that DD was IVF so hoped people would be more sensitive around me (sometimes but not always!). The only thing I can say which doesn't help at the moment is that it gets easier. As you know DD is 4 and so most friends have now stopped announcing pregnancies and are selling baby stuff which makes me glad we don't have to face more pg announcements. Don't give up the groups as you do need your friends and hopefully sometime you will be able to make your own announcement and they will all be happy for you!

Karen


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## Edna (Mar 19, 2005)

Hi Karen,

Thanks for your post. I've already adopted the position that everyone knows about our infertility and that Evelyn is an ICSI baby and like you hope that means my friends will be more sensitive. Not always working but then I don't think that they have much idea what this journey involves as they haven't really had to deal with it. Its good to know that it gets easier with time. Logical I suppose as friends complete their families.

Thinking of you and hoping you are keeping well.

lol


Edna


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