# Referee Question



## rsm (Aug 20, 2009)

Hi everyone,

So finally after 6 years of ttc and 2 failed IUI's and 3 failed IVF's I'm over on this board.

We have literally just started our adoption journey and it's very exciting and very scary all at the same time !!

Just waiting to receive our ROI form and know that we have to choose 3 referees - one of whom can be family.

I have two sorted - one is my sister whose kids I have looked after since the minute they were born and who my DH and I adore like they are our own and my sister and I have a really amazing relationship so I'm very happy with her as a 1st choice.

The second is a wonderful friend of 10 years - a lady who is nearly 60 who is involved in educating teachers how to deal with 'difficult' children and children with learning disabilities - she's amazing and does amazing work. 

It's the third we are a bit unsure of.

Is it necessary that the referee has got kids of their own? If they have kids do we have to have had some interaction with them?

I guess I'm just asking who make the best referees - is there some people who would 'work better' than others or be more in your favour.

Sorry if this question has been asked before. I'm getting myself worked up over it already and this is only the very beginning !!! I'm gonna be on here a lot methinks... ha ha

Thanks in advance everyone

x


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

You got it easy I think!
We have to get a work reference each, a family reference each and 3 friend references. They must have know you at least 3yrs (though occasionally make exceptions) and at least one of them must have children. We went for 1 who knew me longer, 1 who knew DH longer and 1 who knew us both. All of ours had kids so wasn't an issue for us. 
It was easy to find ones for me but DH doesn't have many friends and took a while to pick one out.


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## rsm (Aug 20, 2009)

Wow Arrow - thanks for your reply - If I'm stressing over 3 I can't imagine how I would have felt with all the referees you had to find.

I'm only guessing by what I've researched online etc but I think it's only 3 that are required now. I see you started your journey in 2010. I know a friend who adopted 5 and half years ago also had to have 6 referees.

Blimey - I'm stressing over 3 so I hope when we get our ROI form I'm right in the research I've done ! 

When the ROI form arrives is there some letter or leaflet that mentions anything about sections you fill in ie. will they give any guidance about referees?


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## Arrows (Nov 9, 2008)

No, it's was a pretty simple form for us but you need addresses for the past 10yrs so you may want to get those details organised -Amazon address list was fantastic for getting old addresses! We've just sent out ROI in for LO no.2 and had to provide the same number of references so not changed in our area anyhow.


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## rsm (Aug 20, 2009)

Great idea about Amazon !! I can never remember old addresses.

Thanks Arrows and good luck with LO number 2 - keep us posted.

xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

My personal view is who will sell you best?  For us they had to know us at least three years. We went with friends who we are godparents to their children,  a friend and former colleague of mine (I work with kids) who doesn't have children but could discuss how well I dealt with very challenging kids and on my knowledge and experience of children from challenging backgrounds.  Then my parents.  

There were others we considered but we thought practically.  For example we spend a lot of time with some friends we adore that constantly tell people how hard parenting is and that nothing ever prepares you etc etc.  You know the sort lovely people but when sw asks are you well prepared for parenting you need people who'll say yes exceptionally so. Not well nothing can prepare you.  You also want people who will come across well but think before opening their mouth and say the answers sw wants to hear.  That's just my view anyway  good luck.


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## mafergal (Jul 31, 2013)

Agree with Diva, choose the third as one who will sell you best.  We actually struggled on references because not that many people have known us as a couple for the length of time they required. We had to provide the same references as you.  We chose our best friends who do not have children and to be honest, they've never really seen us with children either.  It wasn't an issue.  

We don't really know many people with young children so I pre-empted that being an issue and set up volunteer work in a toddler group for one morning a week and our SW then spoke to the group organiser as an additional reference. Have to say I found it so useful being around different children of similar ages at different stages of development and getting used to interacting with them. It helped with references and did wonders for my confidence.

Good luck with your journey


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Just to confuse you, the first time round we chose a couple that have known both of us for some time and have a child.  They had not seen us much since having their child, as a couple, though (I work with one of the couple so see that person a lot, including socially at work), so they didn't feel able to comment on our behaviour with children, so they asked for someone else who could say at least what I was like around children (I volunteer with children).

This time round because we have little boy, we just chose people who had seen us with him a lot, and had known us both for a while. It was much easier really.


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