# opions plz need some help & advice



## luski (Jan 4, 2004)

hello need some advice i had a convo with my best friend on ******** earlier witch really upset me

we r doin surrogacy & she doesn't agree with it plz could i have opions on the following convo want 2 no if i'm in the rong 4 gettin upset

20:38Nicola
is a very big deal in a young womans life i should no iam 30 and its hard 4 me and ive got my baby

20:39Tammy
i no

i did all the stuff 2 put her off & i made sure she new wot she was gettin in2

20:40Nicola
sorry but u dont no amout of money is goin to prepair her 4 the lost feelin she is goin to have 

20:42Tammy
i no

20:43Nicola
u cant coz u dont no the fellin untill day 4 when ur milk comes the pain of labour is **** all compaired to it 

20:44Tammy
it not about the money she has a family friend who couldn't have kids n she saw how happy they were when they got there family & after that she was adament that she was gonna make some1 that happy 1 day

i no & i never gonna b able 2 have that & it kills me inside surrogacy is the ONLY way we can have a family

20:45Nicola
dont get me worng i plz 4 u but i would b more if she had done it b 4 or got kids of her own 

20:47Nicola
i no surrogacy is good and i no it is but not with an 18 year old child

**** iam on me 3rd and 30 and still learnin 

20:49Tammy
she not a child i spoke 2 many surrogates & she new the most about it & had councilin 4 it & she speaks 2 experienced surrogate regularly

20:50Nicola
ok then would u let carina do it

20:50Tammy
i no nothin will prepair her & she no's it gonna b hard after she rdy 4 it all we have a plan in the agreement 4 help after if she wants it

20:51Nicola
thats it rub it in her face auntie amy i dont care the us have got the rite way of doin things

20:51Tammy
wot u on bout rub it in her face

20:52Nicola
i just worred that at the end of it she goin to sday sorry but its mine iam keepin it

20:52Tammy
i dont wanna fall out over this it's sommat u will never understand 7 i not expectin u 2 all i ask is that u b happy 4 us & if u cant then i dunno

20:53Nicola
what do u mean shall i tell whats the problam is sum where along the line u no half of what i say is rite

20:54Tammy
i no the fear of her changin her mind

20:55Nicola
iam sorry i can have kids and no i prob wont understand but u cant blame me coz i can have babys iam sorry

20:55Tammy
it the big risk of surrogacy but we let that fear take over we will never have a family

20:55Nicola
now were getin to the nity grty 

20:55Tammy
i dont blame u i happy u can have kids

20:55Nicola
in 1 way 

20:56Tammy
that a real nasty thing 2 say

i have never bin angry or anythin with any1 who can have kids 

i have never bin angry or anythin with any1 who can have kids 

20:57Nicola
no till now 

20:57Tammy
no not now

this is y i said better on fone u takin things rong way

20:57Nicola
no iam not 

20:58Tammy
just coz i said u dont understand doesn't mean i got sommat against u havin kids

20:58Nicola
listen i hope she cum up tumps with herv end of the deal

20:58Tammy
only ppl with fertility issues can understand

20:58Nicola
thanks 

20:59Tammy
is that a real thanks or sarky 1?

20:59Nicola
if thats the case only mother would no what i mean 

20:59Tammy
u no u mean the world 2 me which is y i wanted u 2 b 1st 2 meet Amy

yes ur rite i dont understand that feelin

21:01Nicola
i just wantu to relise that when she sobs her heart out when u take her baby

21:01Tammy
i no wot it feels like 2 have a abay move inside u but thats it

it never her baby & thats the thing rite from the start

& yes i no there ill b tears she no's that aswell

21:03Nicola
so plepole can say itr looks like u then can they 

21:03Tammy
well no but theres nothin i can do about that

21:04Nicola
tammy every 1 thinkin it iam just brave or stupit enff to say bit

21:04Tammy
i can never have a biologicl baby

21:04Nicola
DO NOT run the giult trip on me 

21:05Tammy
it not a guilt trip 

u said bout baby lookin like me but thats impossible

21:06Nicola
do uthink i need this with an 11 day old baby

21:06Tammy
this is y i never said anythion

21:07Nicola
no u just ingoned me **** sake even wayne notise and kirks doin to wayner

21:08Tammy
we not ignorin u the money thing is real & we had already made plans 2 come over sunday or tues

21:19Nicola
ok

tell u what u doin what u want bout this amy thin i had my say end of ok

21:20Tammy
ok

21:21Nicola
good so do u think kirk will stop doin it to wayne coz let me tell waynes appion is wore then mine so u mite want to ingore him 4 a while to 

21:22Tammy
plz stop i cant take anymore

21:22Nicola
U WHAT UR JOKEIN ME RITE

21:23Tammy
kirk not ignored wayne in fact wayne said sommat 2 him on wow the other day that made his face lite up

kirk c's wayne as his only gd friend so plz dont spoil it 4 him

kirk c's wayne as his only gd friend so plz dont spoil it 4 him

21:24Nicola is offline.


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## luski (Jan 4, 2004)

plz i no it alot 2 read but would really b greatful if some1 could give there honest opion on it??


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## still smiling (Jan 15, 2009)

Hi hun,

To be really honest i'm not sure if i've read everything right as you're so good at abbreviating!
From what i think the conversation reads....

This might not be the support you're looking for hun but in all honesty...I think your friend's reaction might be one you will face many more times in the future.Surrogacy is and has always been a controversial topic and people are bound to get emotional/passionate about it.Your friend said she is voicing the opinions of others you know and i suspect thats true,people talk and not always favourably 
What you have to have from now on,if the decision is truly final,is thicker skin.People will always talk and judge,it's an unfortunate human trait,but you have to remain confident of your convictions.
What i suspect is also the issue is that your friend knows the intended surrogate?It's perhaps all too close for her comfort?Do you think she may have spoken to this lady and she has indicated some hesitance?
As you know surrogacy isn't an easy process and of course tears will be shed but maybe your friend needs reminding that none of those tears will be hers.She's made her point now and so she needs to take a step back."thanks but mind your business" would be the next thing i'd say to her if the topic arose again.

So no,you haven't been out of order and you handled that conversation with more grace than i would have.Its just that you will have to be aware of the fact that there will be many more 'opinions' along the way.

All the best hun xxx


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## brownowl23 (Jan 3, 2006)

You handled the conversation well. 

For future conversations I think I would merely say "Surrogacy raises very strong opinions for and against, and for those undertaking that option it is a very last resort which has been thought about long and hard. It not something that any participants in surrogacy undertake lightly. So whilst I understand you have your opinion which differs clearly from mine, we will have to beg to differ on this. Ive made my choice and if it means I dont have your support on this so be it."

You will however have to have very thick skin.

I have been thorugh Donor Egg IVF which is also something that not everyone agrees with. BUt it was my choice and thats it.


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## Stalyvegas (Oct 14, 2007)

Hiya

Im struggling to understand some of it myself TBH, some of the abbreviations and names etc are throwing me off sorry!

I have no issues personally with surrogacy, and I think that if you want a family and are unable biologically then its a route that could be explored. However is your friend indicating your surrogate is 18, with no previous children?  I have to say that bit frightened me, im sure she knows her own mind, and wants to do this - but carrying a baby is hard, and trying to detach yourself from that baby would I imagine be very difficult - and at 18 she is very young to cope with such a decision and the emotional trauma involved.

So in that sense I can see why your friend is hammering her point home - however I think she is doing it because she cares about you and knows that if it didnt work out and the surrogate couldnt hand over the baby it could destroy you....  

I dont think its a great place to have had a conversation of such importance, and I would phone/visit asap to go through the issues, and hopefully agree to disagree, because im sure you will need her support through this process.

Good luck with things


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## luski (Jan 4, 2004)

my friends does say she is 18 but that is rong & i've tried telling my friend but she hears wot she wants 2. She got like this when i breed my dog said i let my dog get raped unforuntly my friends will always voice her opions 2 me. if i do something it's rong but if it was  anoher person it would b ok. Thank you 4 the comments & support

Tammy


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## Twopence (Dec 14, 2008)

Hi Tammy

Sounds like a very difficult coversation you had with your friend. Unfortunately I think stillsmiling is right and you will get this alot. 

Thing is this is YOUR decision and that of your surrogate. If she had had the counselling and feels strong enough to do this then that is her decision. I am sure she has thought of how she will deal with it when the time comes and will get lots of support. Before i knew I had IF issues and was single (with no children) I was always adamant i would be a surrogate. I would still love to at least donate my eggs, I am just thinking I am getting a little too old now!!

Good luck to you and your surrogate. I think these conversations may well be best left alone as you will never agree with your friend and her with you. She is thinking as how she would feel as a mum having a child taken away, not as a surrogate doing this wonderful selfless thing. You will not be able to change her mind.

Take care and big   xx


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## Sammysmiles (Sep 8, 2008)

Luski, if she cared so much then why couldnt she speak to you on the phone or come around? She clearly isnt backwards in coming forwards if you catch my drift. Some of the things she mentioned were pretty harsh, baby not looking like you? Does she not think you have been through this in your own mind? 

Personally I couldnt give a child away, you couldnt, my neighbour couldnt, my Mum couldnt etc etc By this I mean it takes a certain kind of person to be a surrogate and I couldnt put myself in that place. There will always be an element of what if and you could drive yourself mad thinking about everything that can go wrong but sometimes you have to put your faith in someone and hope for the best and most of all trust them.

Good luck with everything and I hope you and your friend patch things up, you have been through so much and obviously need her support right now.


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## luski (Jan 4, 2004)

ty 
i've decided that if she cant deal with it then theres nothin i can do 4 her 
i've tried everythin i can 2 help her understand cant do anymore
ur rite it doestake a certain some1 to do this & i no i couldn't even tho i'd
love 2 b able 2 dont think i could do it emotionally. found her comment on 
the biological side of it VERY hurtful but she has these moods every now & then


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## Sammysmiles (Sep 8, 2008)

Well, I would be inclined to say those are her hang ups. Sometimes you dont need to say things out loud (her hurtful comments especially), she should just be there for you like you would be for her.

Big   and I hope everything works out the way it should for you, please dont let her comments sway your opinions. Its your baby and your future

xx


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## luski (Jan 4, 2004)

Thank you 

I am very happy with r choice of surrogate & trust her 100%
I suppose we r lucky in 1 way that this is the only person who has said anything bad.
Both r parents r very excited especially my dad & step mum who cant wait 2 start spoiling him/her

Thank god for FF & the amazin poeple on here


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## Sammysmiles (Sep 8, 2008)

You have got a great attitude hun x

Keep us updated with your news. Lots and lots of love and luck xx


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## CarolynB (May 17, 2008)

Luski

All I wanted to add is that the topic does generate strong opinions but lots of it is because people do not know much about the topic.  I also find conversations on chat can be misinterpreted.  Although I think her views are pretty clear.  I found some of the comments insensitive.

I must say that on the whole most of the people who my sister and I have talked to about surrogacy have been very positive.  Felt that it was an amazing thing for two woman to go through together to make a new life and have been really supportive.  I feared that we might face more negative comments but it has honestly been extremely limited.

I would suggest that this lady will be the exception and that there will be lots of other people who you can turn too for support.

Good Luck
Carolyn xx


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