# Hello - newbie here!



## simon1 (May 22, 2006)

Hello,

Just signed up for this site.

Unfortunately earlier today, my wife and myself were told that our baby had no heartbeat and have to go for another test next Tuesday. I know what this means, my mother in law is a nurse and has put me straight on the matter.

I'm so sad and don't know what to do with myself.

My wife was pregnant back in January and having done tests etc, found out that we had miscarried that time too at around 4 weeks. This time it was 9.5 weeks.

Really don't know what to say or do about the whole thing. Our baby was due on Christmas eve and it was only yesterday that i was joking with some friends that i needed to book a stable for the night!

Hopefully i can seek some comfort in these forums!

Simon


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## xxTonixx (Jan 5, 2006)

Simon I am so very very sorry that you and your wife are having to go through this! These boards are amazing for support but unfortunatly I cant think of the words to help not sure there are any. 

Be good to yourself and your wife because together you will get through this.  I have been where you are and know how hard this is.  

You and your wife are in my thoughts!


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## tweetie (Feb 5, 2005)

hunni i am so sorry for you and your dear wife at this time.is it another scan you go for next weekyou will find that there have been many people on this site that know exactly what you are going through and maybe able to offer words of advice on this.unfortunately i have not but can understand re the miscarriage as had one myself a while back.my thoughts are with you both at this time.fingers crossed for you both.lol.xxx.lisa.


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## simon1 (May 22, 2006)

Thank you so much Toni.

One of my old bosses at work had a similar thing happen to him and i was always under the impression that it was quite a common thing. People still say miscarriage is but surely 1 in 8 is not common!?! That's just 12.5%!

And happening twice too!?

We've done everything right - or so we thought! I'm only 23 (young i know - to be both married and a daddy!) and my wife is 27! Neither of us smoke, i only drink very occassionally and my wife has not touched a drop even since conception!

I just feel so angry!! 

Tweetie / Lisa - yes it is another scan/examination next week but from what my mother in law has said (a retired nurse!), 2 doctors not hearing or seeing any heartbeat is not a good thing.


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## xxTonixx (Jan 5, 2006)

Simon unfortunatly m/c is extreamly common and we were given odd of 1 in 4.  After having 4 Ihad tonnesof test but they just put it down to bad luck! (Not what you want to here!!)

You may be young but to be honest I think age has nothing to do with it!  I started my first IVF at 23 and if anyone can understand the desire to be parents it is all the people on here!

You have every right to feel angry!

Please take care

Love and hugs!


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Hey Simon1
So very very sorry for you and your wife honey   
FF is a fantastic website and I am sure you will find the help and support you are looking for.  I know there is a thread on the message boards for blokes which you may find useful, I am sure there will be other men there in the same situation as yourself and may you can help each other?  If not, everyone else on here will do all they can to help and support you during this awful time.
Wishing you and your wife lots of     thoughts
Luv
Tracy


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## simon1 (May 22, 2006)

Thanks!

I suppose we've been lucky then unlucky on both occassions!

We've only really been trying since about December and 2 conceptions by May can't be a bad thing - just been unlucky after that though i suppose!

Really think i'm going to be pressured to 'perform' next time we try and that might not be pressure i need!

We'll see i suppose.


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## xxTonixx (Jan 5, 2006)

Pressure is the last thing you need at the mo!

Dont know if it is viable but perhaps you and your wife could get away for a little bit just to try and work through this!

All the best!


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## simon1 (May 22, 2006)

Thanks Tracy!

Pressure didn't seem to affect me the first time round as it didnt seem real! We didnt tell anyone other than my mother in law when the miscarriage happened. This time, everyone knows! We have a pregnancy journal and everything - i've not even written an entry in it yet - wanted to make sure i had something good and lengthy to add to it rather than a half-thought-through comment. That feels bad now, the fact that i never filled it in. We also have a few magazines and a book, and a pack of bibs that my sister bought and a 'sniffer' too. It so sad when i about it.

Anyway, these boards look like the help i may need! My wife is currently having a lye down and i've got lots of work to finish off that i'm trying to do - i'm a bit of a forum-addict anyway so something like this is just what i need!


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## xxTonixx (Jan 5, 2006)

We are here anytime!


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## simon1 (May 22, 2006)

xxTonixx said:


> We are here anytime!


Thanks folks!!


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## Kamac80 (Nov 24, 2005)

hi there simon and welcome to the site

Im so sorry to hear that u and your wife have lost not one baby but 2.

We are all here to support u

Kate xx


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## Lilly Sioux (May 18, 2006)

Hi Simon

I am new here too.I have just had a BFN after IVF. This site is so helpful - it has made all the difference to me.
I had 2 m/c too last year within about 3 0r 4 months of each other. They are very common - 1in 4 or maybe even 1 in 3. Some women don't even know they have miscarried if they aren't trying to get pregnant and haven't tested.and it happens early. They just think it was a heavier period. Not that knowing this helps one iota. That's probably what you are thinking now too! In fact I remember a Doctor telling me this and I wanted to scream at her!!! You can scream at me too -just wanted to say that it is common and women go onto have healthy babies after m/c. (perhaps I should listen to my own advice!!)

I didn't want to be one of those statistics...I wanted (still do) want to be the 'other3' of the one in 4 if you see what I mean.People can say the most stupid things to you too -you want reasons -well i did and often there aren't any but I didn't want people to say well you're so blessed in so many ways I have a ds so of course the other thing people say is well at least you have.......  & I am blessed in that , I know that but you feel so wretched after a m/c that you are pushed to see anything positive.

I have been very open about this and I found it amazing to hear about so many people I know who it had also happened to - I just never knew. 

Maybe something to focus on is that you can conceive and there may be a reason why your wife is not holding on & for this there is help which may work for you. I expect your MIL has said this although maybe it is too early for you to talk about it all?

You sound like a very kind sensitive man and Often the man gets forgotten. Think I was a bit guilty of that. My hormones were all over the place & I needed to grieve and forgot that my dh was distraught too  he just showed it in a different way.

Be kind to one another. Allow yourself to be sad -it's an important part of the grieving process - I think, & angry!!!

You'll have loads of support & kindness here & I wish you both all the positive vibes for a trouble free pregnancy in the future. 

Lilly Sioux


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi Simon

I'm so sorry to hear about your sad situation.. I'm sure you'll find the support you and your wife need on here.  

I think FF is an awesome place to get care and support from others in a similar situation to yourselves, the only word of caution I would add is to not use it as a substitute for talking to your wife!  I know you're probably thinking "silly mare, as if I'd do that??!" but it's easy to get absorbed on here and then forget that someone else in your relationship is also suffering too..If you can gain the support you need on here to give strength to your wife and help her through then that's a good situation, but so often I've seen guys on here who can talk to all the women on here no problem but then haven't the first idea how their wives are feelin!

I think you're pretty impressive because blokes dont normally want to talk about their problems so it's commendable that you've come on here to get some support - very "new man"! 

Take care of yourselves....

Amanda x


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## Lilly Sioux (May 18, 2006)

Hi Amanda
You were so kind to me last week when I joined ,distraught! I started today badly -in a bit of pain -  but optimistic after talking to some Doctors today. Wanted to say "thanks" also that you talk a lot of sense re message to Simon. You made me remember my dh who also needs a bit of love ....I think it's cos I go through the physical stuff & forget a little (not totally) that he suffers too.

Love Lilly Sioux


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## AmandaB1971 (Feb 19, 2006)

Hi Lilly..

I'm happy to help you, I'm glad what I said to you last week was of help (half the time I think I talk a load of old rubbish!! ;o) )

It is easy to forget about your partner sometimes it's easier to talk to people on here who aren't emotionally involved.. I mentioned it because sometimes I have to check myself and share my feelings with my dh, but sometimes I think it suits us that I use this site because he's a man of few words who often doesn't want to talk about his feelings whereas I'm other way would talk hind legs of a donkey given the chance!! lol

Take care of yourself

Amanda x


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## Vixh (May 19, 2006)

Hi Simon
Just wanted to say HI and am feeling for you both - I only joined the site last week and can honestly say the site has helped me so much already, just knowing you are not alone in the situation is so comforting.

Both of you will get through this - don't really know what else to say but it will happen in time.   

Look after eachother.

Vix
x


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