# Stealing



## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Hi girls sorry I haven't posted for a long time I just seem to have lost track of everything at the minute. We are having a few problems with C at the minute and it is really getting on top of me.
We have a reward chart at home and it seems to be working for the children most of the time they get a smiley face for being good and a sad face when they weren't so good. So they get a treat after dinner if they have enough smiley faces I'm sure you know what I mean. But lately C has been taking things out of N's lunch bag on the sly and putting them into her bag so one day N went to school with hardly any food because C had it all. So we had the big chat about taking things without asking and that was fine but then she did again, then she went to the fridge and had taken out all the frubes and put them in her bag, so when I went to the fridge I thought I had lost my marbles and had imagined that I had bought them until I looked in C's bag and there they were. So this morning she had done the same thing taken things out of N's bag. So I was really cross and asked her why she did it and she said she wanted to. The girls get plenty of treats so it isn't that they don't get much in fact dh says I spoil them too much. So C isn't getting her treat from her reward chart at the minute because of her behaviour so I think she is feeling a bit hard done by at the minute. 
Had to go there T decided instead of going to the toilet to just do it on the floor.

So if anyone has had this problem let me know because I am tired of trying to think of things to say or do.

Thanks K


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Naoise,
Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time of it at the moment. I can't say that this is something that I've had to deal with or I have any great suggestions, I was just wondering if the 'helping herself(!)' was related solely to food and if she was eating it or just hoarding it? I don't really know where I'm going with this but if it's hoarding, is it perhaps a control thing wanting to decide who gets to eat the food, my DS 'Charlie' exhibits controlling behaviour regularly not that he ever understands why he does the things he does and I have had to do alot around him accepting that Mummy makes the decisions etc. 
I'm sure some of the others may have ideas...are you still getting support from your SW?
Sending you   anyway...off to pick up Charlie now from nursery.
Viva
XXX


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Thanks for replying Viva 

Things have managed to have get worse since this morning, C and T were playing together and C said lets break the toy I stepped in and said no don't break the toy you dont that you have to look after your things and T then threw the toy across the room. So she was sent out of the room and I asked C why she wanted to break the toy and she said she wanted to and I said even if you got into trouble for doing it and she said yes, so what do you say to that these children have no regard for anything or anyone and no punishment makes a difference I am at my wits end at the minute and have sent them all outside to save my sanity. 

Help needed please

K


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## superal (May 27, 2005)

Oh poor you......these things are meant to try us................again and again and again I'm afraid.

First of all, you are doing a fanstatic job and I'm sending you a hug  .

Our DS went through a stage of stealing money out of my purse.  When challenged he'd always say NO its not me BUT the day I caught him red handed he had to admit it. 

How did I deal with it.............shouted, told him he has evertyhing and wants for nothing, which is true, maybe we do spoil them but I also told him he only had to ask & yes some days I may so No but some days I may say YES! 

Shouting is fast relieve burst of anger, which I would not really recommend, its best to sit down and talk about what they have done & why its wrong.  Dealing with the situation straight away rather than leaving it for later helps them understand why you are cross and you can help them.

Reference the toy thing, you could just say...well they are your toys & i won't be replacing them when you break them, I'd rather you didn't do that but if that is what makes you feel happy then do it.

Once they realise you are saying go ahead but I'm not replacing it they may think twice.

If they do go ahead and break the toy, once it is broken, ask them what use is it now, did it feel good to break it, why did you feel you had to break it.

They may turn around and say I was angry and I wanted to break it, you could then suggest another way of getting rid of some anger..............have you got any play dough, if yes then ask them to "Kneed" it really hard and hit it and do what ever they want with it to take the anger away.

I'm not an expert but I have been there, come through it & so will you!!

Love
Andrea
xx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Sorry no advice here as i haven't got a clue   but i just wanted to say you are doing an amazing job hun and send you lots of      i hope you get things sorted out soon

pam xx


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## fiona1 (Feb 2, 2005)

Naoise - Just a stab in the dark here, but is C hording food because of previous experiances?. I maybe way off the mark, but it's what sprung into my mind when I read your post, with regards to breaking toys, I would make it very clear that they are their toys and if they choose to break them they will NOT be getting them replaced.

As Supreal said your are doing a great job, it must be really tough.

F


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

not really experienced what you are gong through but se have had 'toddler versions" of some of these things. Just had a nightmare 30mins before bed of which a full 20 minutes was spent going in and out of the naughty corner (she is only two so two min. max) and/or having talks about family rules.

For us - the main issue within a year of placement was about the toys being hers to do with as she pleased. It was mainly my fault as I put away some of her old toys (from foster home) without her knowing and she couldn't find them...she got really upset and thus breaking toys and hiding my things and general 'not behaving'. Eventually worked it out when she babbled away about 'dat not Bubbles' teddy...that mummy's teddy...Bubble's teddies all gone'. We have also used broken toys to talk about things that get replaced/renewed and things that don't/can't be fixed. it has helped a lot although sadly took two goreous very-broken toys; one of my favourite bowls and several 'now mended' toys to get the message across.

We haven't had 'stealing' but we have had 'hiding' things of late...not normal toddler hiding but more 'pushing boundaries' type hiding. Knowing she isn't allowed in the kitchen so going in and taking something to show that she did a naughty thing to see our reaction. SW tells me it is normal toddler stuff but no-one else I know has seen it..other than fellow adopters.

We have just had to go with the 'strong, consistent parenting' thing with bribery added in . lots and lots of time out...no pudding if dinner isn't eaten...clear sentences about why 'no' and 'consequences'. instead of 'please don't do that', we use 'no - it will break' or 'not do that'...basic responses that don't involve her having to work out what we mean at the same time as answering/actioning.... and loads and loads of over the top praise with chocolate button/boxes of raisins and stickers for all the good things she does.

Maybe C could get smiley stickers for other good things that you wouldn't normally count like 'sat nicely in car seat' or 'was quiet for 20sceconds in the supermarket'. We had to get 'creative' for positives for a few days before the postitive re-inforcement kicked in (altohugh I know others that did creative posititves (eg looking at every glimmer of silver lining) for nearly a month). the more she sees you 'counting' the positives the more she 'might' start realising about 'treats' and that she *can* get them without it being too hard on sad days/angry days and she doesn't need to steal to get them or take them off others.

just my thoughts - hope they help...if only to know that you are not entirely alone.
magenta x


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## naoise (Feb 17, 2005)

Thanks girls

Now that dh is home things are much better T and C have had an early night and N is having some quality time with her Dad at the minute. The food thing I really don't think is a past experience as I don't think that she could remember that far back, I think that she sees N with more things in her bag because she stays for lunch and thinks that she should have it too even though she comes home for lunch.

They don't really break things in anger just they thought that it would be fun, I have told them that they would not be getting more things if they break them I have put some of the toys away as I think that they have so much that there attitude is that  there is plenty more so if I break some it won't matter so hopefully they will appreciate things more heres hoping.

I am emotionally drained tonight as T has decided not to bother going to the toilet anymore and just goes were she stands she is the cleanest girl in Ireland tonight after all the showers she has had .

love K thanks for the replies


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi

I cant remember which is which is age order however i am guessing C is middle child? 

Ref the food thing- could you maybe make up a pack lunch the same for C however split it into what she takes with her and what she gets when she comes home-that way she see's and helps put it together.

Is the food thing new? 

You are doing a fantastic job with your girls

xxx


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