# I need positivity



## Nieta (May 7, 2015)

I realise that people gravitate to forums and blogs during tough times but have to say that I really struggle seeing so many negative adoption accounts everywhere. While it does not put me off adoption, it does make me question the path I'm on occasionally. I hate that feeling when I have so many good and well thought-through reasons for doing this, along with real life people that have had positive experiences. Rant over.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I think I'm one of the negative stories you are talking about. I would like to add that though lo can be challenging he is a wonderful boy and adopting  is still the best thing I've ever done and I wouldn't change a thing.


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Well, there's a post that's gonna make you make friends and influence people   


FWIW I think this board is pretty balanced. And it's a good place for people to be who are struggling, it's a great place for support. I'd rather people vented here than suffered in silence.


But I've seen loads of happy posts too.


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

I disagree. I think it's pretty balanced here, there's loads positivity and also lots of realistic accounts. Are you talking about the challenges some adopted children face or the process and subsequent wait etc? We are very lucky and were linked very quickly. But things have changed and I do wonder what would happen if we were to try and adopt now. It wouldn't have stopped me though! And for now our little girl is very clever, a very typical little girl of two, generally well behaved, no issues, who people compliment us on endlessly. Any issues we have are normal toddler issues, I am guilty of forgetting some days she is adopted. Like I say we are very lucky given her history. But that doesn't make any of the other little ones who may be struggling any less beautiful. Each forever mummy on this forum would go to the ends of the earth for their babies. We all love them the same. For us it is our birth son who has caused us endless worry with all his ongoing medial needs. The anxiety he's caused will stay with me always. But I still wouldn't change a thing


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Oddly enough I posted on the adoption buddies earlier saying as we were going through the process everything was geared to be so negative and we shouldn't even hope for "normal" let alone expect it. I'm still not sure if that's right or wrong yo be honest, I guess if you fear the worst anything better is a bonus is one thing but I do wonder how many adopters are genuinely scared off through the process.
I'm currently sat here amongst a room full of mega blocs and ballpit balls that my utterly amazing 11 month old has thrown around the place and has now moved on to the clean pile of nappies I've just brought in off the line and sorted. In a months time we will be celebrating his first birthday. Last June we were half way through the process and feeling a bit like you are now. I certainly would not have expected in my wildest dreams that in a years time we would be celebrating our sons first birthday having enjoyed his first solid foods, first Christmas with him, his first tooth, the first time he crawled, his first word, and now standing. He is completely perfect with no developmental of health concerns and life is amazing! Yes it's flipping hard work but that's any parenting for you but we absolutely have normal here! 😀


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## Nicola30 (Jun 13, 2011)

Hi Nieta,
It's probably quite normal to have a little period of everything being "annoying". I myself came off here for a little while at one point just because everything felt "so much" and the end goal seemed so far away.
In hindsight I would like to think we are a positive story if you can take anything from that. The process is designed to test, and test it certainly does, but looking at my little bundle of beautiful right now blowing me a kiss and giggling every piece was worth it. She is a pure delight and total perfection, I am so thankful I couldn't conceive naturally as there is no other person on this earth I could love any more than her.

Whatever thoughts you're having, just roll with it... It's all worth it one day x


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Hi Nieta

In my opinion, this board is in no way negative!! We do pretty well here for positive posts 

But, life is not a bed of roses with any child, adopted or birth and adopters can and do face challenges along the way. It's part of the wonderful job of being a parent, through good and bad times.

If an adopted child ends up having a few issues, it does not reflect whether the adoption was 'positive' or not.

ALL adopted children (no matter how 'normal' they appear), will have experienced trauma (loss of birth parent, loss of foster carer), and ALL of them will have a back story which will need to be sensitively handled and explained. Issues can occur at any point in a childs life as they try to process their life story and find out who they are.

As X-Lolly very wisely said:-



-x-Lolly-x- said:


> But that doesn't make any of the other little ones who may be struggling any less beautiful. Each forever mummy on this forum would go to the ends of the earth for their babies. We all love them the same.


Wishing you the best of luck! Chin up, it's so worthwhile, all of it 

DE x

Snapdragon - of course you love your wonderful boy - he's your Son afterall


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Well said ladies   Oh and yes little pink is 'fine' now but I'm already playing through the 'you love him more than me'... scenarios that come with having both an adopted and a birth child! So we'll hit issues that stem from adoption there's no doubt. But that's life I guess. Still wouldn't change a damn thing!!


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hmmmmmm I have held back posting on this thread for a little while as I really didn't want to offend but I'm starting to 'twitch' so I am going to get it out of my system lol. 

We are having a tough time and have done so in the past.i have posted on many, many occasions asking for help from these wonderful ladies. Do I consider myself negative - no. Do I consider us 'normal' - yes. Do I think this is the reality for many (note not all) adoptive children and their families - yes. Would I change a thing - no (apart from the pain he has suffered) 

he is my world, my dream come true, the reason why I wake in the morning and the reason I breath. Adopting is the hardest most heartbreakingly tough thing I have ever done, as is parenting but I would go through every moment again for him. 

Despite these tough times i too consider myself to be a 'real life person with a positive experience'  along with realistic.


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

Flash, I've been 'twitching' along with you!!

We have had and are still having a tough time but I prefer to think I'm being realistic rather than negative  
I do believe many adoptive children will have 'issues' at some point, may even go as far as to say most..
Personally I think prep for adoption could do with being more realistic, it wasn't until we were family finding that a sw said the highest incident of disruption is in families where there are already birth children, at the time I thought 'rubbish', 2 yrs on I can readily believe it.
BUT we not only continue to struggle with our daughters and some of the professionals involved but we are also very firmly a family of four, we love our daughter and strive to help her overcome her difficulties.
Yes birth children can also be unpredictable but they are usually securely attached, adopted children are not so their behaviours tend to be more intense/ extreme, so not 'all children do that' basically!  

Nieta, if you want to know more about our experience feel free to PM me, there is a lot that can't be shared on an ope forum


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

I am still waiting for it to get pants because our experience has been so smooth so far. Perhaps issues will come out when he is school age! However, I think it is a bit unfair when people moan about things being too negative on adoption forums. People have a right to come on and seek help and rant when things are tough, they shouldn't feel they have to hold back for fear of scaring prospective adopters, that isn't really fair.  Think this board is nicely balanced and quite restrained FWIW. There is one forum in particular where this would have got much shorter shrift!


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

BG, your last comment made me chuckle, just imagining some of the replies!


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

crazyspaniel said:


> I do believe many adoptive children will have 'issues' at some point, may even go as far as to say most..


I think so too, Spaniel 

Not negative, just telling it as it is 

Every one of our children experienced a difficult start and this will show itself sooner or later! That's what we are there for - to pick up the pieces and be their parent, protector, therapist (!) and play mate all rolled into one 

During our Prep course one of the social workers told us that being an adoptive parent is 'parenting plus'. I didn't understand that comment fully at the time but I do now!!

An 80's Kylie Minogue song has just popped into my head, 'if I had to do it all again, I wouldn't change a single thing, there's no questioning in my heart, when it comes to our love, I wouldn't change a thing!' 
X


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Hi Neita
I agree with the others. This forum is not negative.... just realistic (as crazy spaniel said). It is a great place for the ladies who have been going through a tough time to get support and advice and talk to their friends - that's what we all are. 
When things are going well adopters don't necesserily feel the need to post so often. 

It's really exciting that you have been linked with a little pink. Our daughter is 16 months now and perfect in every way. We were extremely lucky in that the process was smooth and she is the most gorgeous, clever, cute as a button daughter we could ever wish for. She sleeps well, eats well, socialises well. Everyone loves her and we love her to the moon and back. That's not to say we aren't prepared for some problems maybe in the future....but then maybe not...you just don't know. 

Good luck with your little one. It's all worth it xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Maybe I've taken the op's post wrongly. I didn't think she was having a go about the forums being negative more that because of it being a lot of threads where people are struggling (as is the norm with most forums!) she was looking for some positives to reassure her? Having re read I'm not sure now that is the case!
I'm also aware that my first post sounds almost gloating with how easy we've had it. I certainly don't intend it to be so. I'm acutely aware that we are incredibly lucky with how things have gone and how "easy" our little boy is especially reading others accounts. By reading those accounts it does keep me grounded, yes he's got no issues now but that nay not always be the case as he gets older. Indeed I'm well aware that as he's only 11 months now it's unlikely we would experience anything unusual at this age as he's been with us 5 months, but I'm quite sure as he gets older and he gets the understanding of adoption that we may well encounter problems then.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

When I posted about neglect impacting on brain development I wasnt being negative about my or anyone's children I was stating a medical fact.  In response to your question / presumption that under three's behaviour surely goes quickly.  

My children are the light of my life my eldest has been and is incredibly challenging but she is braver and stronger than most adults I know.  She has a respect amd consideration for difference that puts most people to shame.  She is compassionate intelligent but has big attachment and neglect / abuse issues that won't dissappear.  

Please don't think anyone is being nasty or critical but understand that although we don't all leave in the same street we are a community.  I have posted on these boards for three years and I know many people had been around years before I joined.  like all communities we are very protective of each other and care for one another greatly.  We offer each other a understanding ear in our toughest best and everyday moments because often as an adopter you feel unable to talk to your close every day friends about parenting.  Good luck on your journey and I hope you stay around to learn what a wonderful community this is x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

I'm rubbish at links but there's a thread I think I started a while ago called 'happiness is...'
Lots of positives on there x


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Flash123 said:


> ......he is my world, my dream come true, the reason why I wake in the morning and the reason I breath. Adopting is the hardest most heartbreakingly tough thing I have ever done, as is parenting but I would go through every moment again for him.


Awwww Flash, that made me all tearful  
I totally agree, and wouldn't change a thing .

We feel extremely blessed and would go through our entire journey again for our 2 little munchkins (even if we do feel we've aged about 20 years in the past 5 ).
As my signature says, we truly believe we were always destined to be Mummy and Daddy to our little man and little lady 

At the end of the day, we are all here to support each other through good times and the more 'challenging' times. 
Although we have so many amazing stories here of celebration, love and milestones reached, there are also many threads demonstrating the incredible level of support we have, providing a safe place where members know they will be understood completely (without the need to explain, justify, or be judged). 
I think we actually have an amazing amount of positivity here, but to me it comes in many forms, including being there for each other through thick and thin. I don't believe 'positivity' is just about posting the happy, amazingly wonderful part of being an adoptive parent (although we have plenty of that too), it's also about being 'positive' and supportive with advice and support to others when needed, and that we certainly have in shed loads 

Nieta, I completely understand what you mean about forums being somewhere people tend to gravitate during tough times, but that doesn't tend to be the case here. Many members have been here for the long haul, celebrating and sharing each other's journeys, and I think that point speaks volumes in itself 
Lolly summed it up pretty well when she said..... 'Each forever mummy on this forum would go to the ends of the earth for their babies'........., and I think that is the bottom line and overriding feeling  
I urge you to have a further read through the adoption boards here, I'm sure you will feel differently 
Lots of luck with your link, very exciting times ahead , and precious memories that will stay with you forever  

Anj x


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## GoofyGirl (Apr 1, 2013)

Anjelissa said:


> I don't believe 'positivity' is just about posting the happy, amazingly wonderful part of being an adoptive parent (although we have plenty of that too), it's also about being 'positive' and supportive with advice and support to others when needed, and that we certainly have in shed loads


What you said Anjelissa  

I actually find it refreshing to see the amazing support offered. 
I've been diagnosed with PAD. It's no picnic but I don't regret adopting at all. I just had a terrible few days where I was terribly afraid and needed help from others. And I got exactly what I needed. I'm now feeling more positive and able to cope. 
When I'm stronger I hope to do the same for others.

I'm glad to hear that you have thought carfefully about your decision. It's not easy. Taking on two stressed confused toddlers was about as difficult as I expected. What I didn't expect was how tough it would be to look after them 24/7 with no respite and with PAD.

I'm trying not to feel bad for asking for help and upsetting you. But I would and will do so again despite how it may affect others who don't want to see negativity.

I find this forum so honest and balanced and wouldn't want it to change at all.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah Goofy I'm glad you're feeling a little better, baby steps I'm sure but I wondered how you were earlier on so nice to read your post.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

We feel extremely blessed and would go through our entire journey again for our 2 little munchkins (even if we do feel we've aged about 20 years in the past 5 ).

Dude, tell me about it! Feel like the tin man sometimes, I creak when I stand!

GG, glad things are getting better x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Hugs GG so glad you're feeling supported you're doing amazing I was so nervous about PAD as I really suffered with my mental health through our IF. Can't imagine the strength needed on top of managing two early placement well done we're all always here xxxx


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

Barbados Girl said:


> I am still waiting for it to get pants because our experience has been so smooth so far. Perhaps issues will come out when he is school age!


I feel exactly the same - we've had a very easy experience and we were linked prior to being approved and matched only a month later - it all happened very smoothly. Our AS grieved for his lovely foster family, but bonded to us fairly easily and we found it easy to bond to him. We're now over two years in (he's just 4) and he's mostly a very happy and cheeky 4-year-old who has no obvious behavioural issues and has done well at nursery - and is just about to start school :cry

However, on paper he had a complex medical and family background, which had caused many potential adopters to reject a potential link with him, which is great for us, but also makes me think that the CPR does not always describe the child - and I know a number of adopters who have adopted a child that appeared more straightforward and has yet had more issues. Adoption is always going to be a leap into the dark - and I think it is important to prepare for the worst, whilst also hoping for the best for your child

Even though our AS has had no major issues as yet, we have changed our life to a far greater extent to other friends with non-adopted children. We're both working part time, we've done lots of co-sleeping and he's not spent a night away from us and we've mostly lived fairly quietly.


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## Bub (Sep 22, 2008)

Some great advice here and agreed - positivity comes in many guises. However, I do feel that Nieta was reaching out for some support really and the answers seem to be a be a bit defensive. I don't think there was any overt criticism of FF but rather a statement that some positivity (presumably meaning the 'ups') about adoption would be beneficial to prospective adopters. We hear so much about neglect, abuse, attachment, ineffective social workers, delays and, comparatively, very little about the joys. We know it's hard, we know there are unknowns, we know there will be challenges. But it's great too to read the positive stories to remind us why we are putting ourselves through such a difficult, invasive process.


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## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Now I am twitching! 

We have all given 'positive' stories!!

Not one of us would change a thing!  Keep going!

X


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## Bub (Sep 22, 2008)

I know you have! I did say that in my post  I just thought some of the responses weren't very nice. E.g how to win friends and influence people? Was that necessary? Many of you have expressed the need to use the forum to talk about difficulties without worrying how it will affect the positivity of prospective adopters. By that logic, the OP should also be allowed to have a rant about her perception that threads can be a bit negative. The forum should be for everybody.

As I said, I've really needed to read all of your positive stories on this thread but ironically they have been written in response to a post stating concern that there aren't enough positive threads!


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

I think the "win friends and influence people" comment was directed at the fact we have a poster here chiding posters for not being sufficiently positive when some people are on here for much needed support. Like they are supposed to keep it buttoned so as not to depress others.

We have all given our positive stories. I had zero negative to say- I have been very, very lucky.


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## Bub (Sep 22, 2008)

Ok fair enough. I'm not sure she was chiding though. I think she was asking for support. Perhaps I better button it and let the OP speak for herself!


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

I do feel that we should remember that the OP started this thread with the title 'I need positivity'. I think that maybe choice of words may of hit a few nerves but we should get back to what was intended for this thread, some stories for Nieta that will support her x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Bub said:


> I know you have! I did say that in my post  I just thought some of the responses weren't very nice. E.g how to win friends and influence people? Was that necessary?


meh. yes IMO i thought it was. in fact i thought i was quite restrained.

you have a poster with 6 posts, rocking up with what in effect is her introductory thread, saying we are all pretty negative compared to all her IRL friends who are all dead positive, and you wonder why some reacted defensively?

plus add the fairly aggressive ending 'rant over' which kind of implied thats my opinion, end of. if it had ended with something like 'let me hear your success stories i'd love to hear some positivity too' i might be more inclined to go with the opinion that she just wanted some morale boosting. but how it was written, to me, just comes across as really critical.

would anyone in real life go into a pub or something, and tell strangers they need to get a grip? or would they try and get to know them a bit first?

but hey, i could be being over critical myself. its sometimes difficult to read tone on a forum tbf


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## Bub (Sep 22, 2008)

I've seen the term or variations of 'rant over' loads of times and I don't read it as aggressive. I don't think your analogy of the pub/get a grip analogy is very helpful. At no point did the OP suggest or imply that anyone 'get a grip'.  I need positivity could be read as a request for positive stories.

So what if she's new. I didn't realise you had to ingratiate yourself with people on the thread before gaining a right to express an opinion. Very patronising.

I found both of your responses quite aggressive and have been out off seeking support by the tone of this thread, frankly.


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Bub said:


> I've seen the term or variations of 'rant over' loads of times and I don't read it as aggressive.


and i did. we are all entitled to an opinion, and we all have a right to reply.

ie: you think my replies were aggressive. i don't. i thought they were honest, and this is a robust forum. because lets face it, robustness is a vital quality for any adoptor.

and the reference to new posters was not remotely patronising. its considered good nettiquette to know your audience.


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## Bub (Sep 22, 2008)

You said it. But it seems the OP doesn't have a right to HER opinion. 

This is ridiculous. I'm not arguing with a stranger; it's not good netiquette. 

My intention wasn't to be inflammatory just to support the OP, because, IMHO, she seemed to be asking for support. I accept the tone might have rubbed you guys up the wring way though.

Sorry to all for wading in. I've always found this forum an invaluable support and value very much the robust opinions.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

There are already lots of positive examples and messages in this thread and throughout the adoption boards, but I just wanted to add the link to Crazyspaniel's wonderful 'Happiness is........' thread (as mentioned earlier)  :

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=317146.0

I'm also adding a link to the Adoption Stories board where you will find some lovely accounts of various adoption journeys :

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=182.0

Just one very important point to mention, although this board is of course for everyone (no matter what stage of the adoption process they are at), FF is primarily a support site, and as such people should feel safe and secure seeking advice and support from others.
I think this point is so important on the adoption boards in particular, as so often people find that friends and family just don't 'get' or understand the various challenges that we face, and they have nowhere to turn .
For many people this is the only place they feel they can speak freely without the need to 'sugar coat' or explain themselves at length in order to receive support and understanding without fear of being judged. 
I can completely understand what is being said regarding the usefulness of positivity for prospective adopters, but please understand (and as others have already mentioned) this is a community made up of amazing friendships, and as such, members shouldn't have to worry about how positively or negatively their requests for advice and support will be come across.
Of course by the same logic everyone is free to rant, but it's hard to know what else to say on this note really, as having read every thread here, I can honestly say that along with the posts providing support and advice to those having a tough time, there are also so many amazing tales of love, joy, and many many little miracles who have found their forever families .
One additional point to mention here is that although a member may one day post a 'cry for help', the very same member may another day post a message sharing joyous times/funny stories/celebration of milestones etc.

All we can do is urge any prospective adopters reading this thread to look a little further through the boards, hopefully you'll see it's more balanced and positive than you may have first thought 
(please see the links above as a good place to start)
That said though, the main (and very important) point is that none of us are here to provide 'balanced' or 'positive' accounts for others to read, we are all here for the same reasons, support, advice and friendship. The fact that the boards just happen to be quite balanced and positive on the whole is just naturally how it is .

As Lorella wisely mentioned, we should get back to the original point of this thread  
We all have our opinions and feelings regarding this issue, but further 'going back and forth' will benefit no one and will just cause bad feeling 

Anj x x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Bub said:


> But it seems the OP doesn't have a right to HER opinion.


no, thats nonsense. of course she is. but you have to expect on a public forum people may disagree with you.

i think the title itself was a bit inflamatory in itself as in 'i need positivity...' and i'm not getting it here! i didn't read it as a 'tell me your good news stories' one bit.

but i accept i could be being over sensitive, she could just be really bad at phrasing stuff. i'm happy to admit i'm in the wrong if thats the case, but its just how it came across to me.


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## Bub (Sep 22, 2008)

Ok I understand now. I initially read it as 'help, I'm having a wobble' but I see what you mean. 

Bx


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

but on a brighter note, if it was good news stories she was after, i can only say i had the slowest, most rubbish adoption process you could imagine, and one heck of a wait for a match (and this was a couple of years ago, before all the recent developments)

but i have to say, it must have all been for a reason. i must have been intended to be this boy's mummy. i cant imagine what lesser child   i may have been matched with had the process been smoother. my boy is just ace.   so my story is awful process...awesome match.

remind me i said that in a couple of years maybe, when it all goes belly up and i'm on here tearing my hair out!


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

the 'happiness is' thread! i'd forgotten all about that!

think i have something in my eye...


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

katie c said:


> the 'happiness is' thread! i'd forgotten all about that!
> 
> think i have something in my eye...


Yep, me too   
That's what it's all about at the end of the day, hey 
x x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Anjelissa said:


> katie c said:
> 
> 
> > the 'happiness is' thread! i'd forgotten all about that!
> ...


as Nicola said on page one, i am so happy we couldn't conceive. no way could any biological child be as gorgeous, funny, clever and happy as master c. the journey to get him was so worth it. 

mind you, wouldn't have minded not blowing that £4k on IVF admittedly


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

I've said the same, many times, I wouldn't go back and change things even if I could, and am totally at peace with how things were 'meant to be'.
Our two are so very precious, and we can't imagine life without them. 
Had things turned out differently we'd have never crossed paths. That thought is quite frankly unthinkable now 
x x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Anjelissa said:


> Had things turned out differently we'd have never crossed paths. That thought is quite frankly unthinkable now


i know. my heart breaks for the adoptors waiting now because of the caution being shown by SS, but on a personal level, it makes me feel physically sick that had that been the case then, we may not have got our boy. there was some aunt on the scene who said she'd look after him but was rejected, i assume now they'd give her a shot at parenting him. and he would have never been our son...

anyway, this is one heck of a tangent  but still, i have to say the positives _did_ outweigh the negatives, and i imagine the parents with less straightforward matches and who are finding it a struggle wouldn't disagree.


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## Barbados Girl (Jul 7, 2012)

My pixie rocks the hardest, am afraid guys, he is clearly the greatest


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

I'm going to be totally honest now I never admit this but whenever I'm out I look at the birth children surrounding my two and think not intentionally it just pops in my head howunattractive lacking in character and unintelligent they mostly are particularly considering the advantages they've had.  

I know I'm a bad person then I think god our bc probably would have been like them instead I've got these two amazing children that shine in every room.  Don't judge me I tell myself off for thinking such unkind thoughts about others children xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Lol mummy diva! I look at photos of my dh as a lo and thank god we have our little guy!


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

I quite often am thankful our daughter doesn't have my genes! I don't think we could of made one better if we'd tried 😊 xx


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Taking that as both a compliment and an insult DIY


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

children from my gene pool remain bauld till they're about four not a good look. I was definitely not an attractive child lol.  Tbh there's a lot I'm glad to know we've not passed on I know realistically one gene pool is as blessed and problematic as another in reality but I often think fleetingly my children won't need to worry about x or y xxx


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Mummy DIY Diva said:


> I'm going to be totally honest now I never admit this but whenever I'm out I look at the birth children surrounding my two and think not intentionally it just pops in my head howunattractive lacking in character and unintelligent they mostly are particularly considering the advantages they've had.
> 
> I know I'm a bad person then I think god our bc probably would have been like them instead I've got these two amazing children that shine in every room. Don't judge me I tell myself off for thinking such unkind thoughts about others children xx


you think you're mean? i look at other _adopted_ kids and make comparisons. 

i see them at toddler groups etc, and yes, a lot are very cute and all. but i got the best one.


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

I remember being pregnant and lots of people telling me horror stories about difficult pregnancy, birth, early months with a new born etc. Few people said "there were good days and bad but on the whole it was worth it". Looking bach though maybe in reality I was given more balanced experiences but homed in on the horror stories so that is all i really heard.

When starting the adoption journey for child number 2 I read other forums  and thought the posters must only be focusing on the negative. Surely adoption can't be that bad.

Now, after almost 4 years in planet adoption and nearly 2 years as an adoptive parent I can see a different reality. Hubby and i regularly do the "experienced adopters" session during adoption training. We have a list of stuff we wish we'd known so we share it with the prospective adopters:

_Home Study is intrusive, you will bear your soul to a stranger. Hope and prey that the stranger you are assigned "gets" you.
Panel is intimidating, they hold your hopes and dreams in their hands, but you will be told to relax and enjoy it.
After approval you may feel abandoned, your SW, who may have practically lived with you will dissapear until it suits him/her to speak to you (that may not be very often at all)
The wait for a link may be long and painful.
A potential link may fall through for many many reasons but you have to keep going because your child (who is still out there waiting for you) needs you to.
When you are linked with your child you have a lot more hoops to jump through but they'll feel like they really matter, this will be for a real child not just the hope of one.
When you meet your child it may feel like fireworks go off or you may just feel terrified and want to run away. All is normal, just keep going.
It can take weeks, months or years to feel like their real parent but thats ok. You are still their real parent regardless of how scared, tired, fed up you feel. Just keep going.

Even after the adoption order is made, the SW's dissapear and you are a family you will still live on planet adoption. Your child will never not be adopted. You will always have past trauma and losses to consider. You will always have a story to face telling to your child in the future. You have to do this even though you know your words may hurt the person you would never ever want to hurt.

_All of this isn't negative, its the reality of adoption. Even though this journey is painful at times every person who has posted in the 5 pages this thread had run has said they don't regret it, that they would do it all again in a heartbeat because their child/children are 100% worth it. How much love do we all feel to put ourselves through this and still be happy and grateful, how amazing must our children be that they can undo all of that hurt and difficulty in a process that can take everything you've got to give.

That sounds to me like a bloody big boost of positivity and a hell of a good news story.


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## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Jules I'm speechless (and that is soooooo very rare for me )

One smiley says it all....... 

Anj x


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## Sun Flower (Jul 14, 2008)

Thank you Jules!! your post is so powerful and so truthful. It sums it all up in a few simple paragraphs and yes it is positive and balanced, perfect description!


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## Norma12 (Jan 23, 2012)

Wow Jules, thank you for your post. The words mean sooo much. From someone who is starting to feel a bit scared as we approach Stage 2 this has really helped xxx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Hugs, Nieta.    I think I know what you were trying to say.  

Our Bug is adopted.  He's suffered trauma and mild neglect, and alcohol and drugs in utero.  But that's not who he is, that's just stuff that's happened to him.

Who is he?  He's a breathtakingly beautiful 4yo (and other people say this!  Hooray!  He didn't get my 'plain' genes!) who is agile, strong, fearless and determined, creative, imaginative, cuddly and caring.  He's smart, keen to learn, occasionally scary-intelligent, and remembers everything (except prohibitions...  ;-) )  He starts my every day in love, by climbing into our bed and snuggling.

I am an adoptive mother.  I've learned about parenting therapeutically, how to take a punch, how to prevent a punch, how to communicate with SWers and birth family, how to manage other people's expectations and how to keep going when it seems as if my four year old can't take a single breath without making extreme noise.... !

But that's how who I am, that's just something that's happened to me, although it's something I've worked at and applied myself to, too.  Who I am is Bug's Mummy.

I am amazed, daily, by how lucky I am, how much I love him, and how happy he makes me.

He's not normal, he never will be.  But from my perspective, he knocks normal into a cocked hat.  

Like Jules said, Keep Going.


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