# Does this fertility nightmare ever end?



## isobella (Jan 18, 2007)

Just really need to try and put in to writing how I think I am feeling so hope you dont mind if I rant here.

After two failed ICIS cycles since last Jan and still no sign of a baby I am beginning to wonder if my relationship is going to hold out any further.  We have got ourselves in to quite a bit of debt trying to fund all these treatments in the past few years and now I don’t think we really have anywhere to go, can't afford anymore treatment and finding it really hard to cope with the future being childless, just feels like a never ending cycle.  We seem to argue constantly and it really came to a head last night when I was told by dh that he has lost respect for me over the way I have dealt with four years infertility......it was my 38th birthday yesterday and after a massive argument I spent the night in my car crying my eyes out as not only do I have to face a future without a baby my marriage is probably over to, just don’t know how we have ended up here and I obviously forgot to buy the book on how to cope with never having a baby.

I know I am not the only person going through this nightmare but why do I feel so alone, I just want this nightmare to be over and to get on with my life and stop being this twisted bitter old cow.

Sorry for the moan but hoped writing it down might help but just makes me cry.

Thank you again
Isobella


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## reality (Nov 13, 2006)

Hi Isobella,

I am so sorry to hear about your sad situation. I'm afraid that I cannot offer you any answers. Fertility tx is so expensive, stressful and all consuming - sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in what you are trying to achieve that you lose sight of the reason you went in to tx in the first place - because you love each other and want to cement that love with a baby.....  If you don't mind, i would like to suggest that you step outside of your situation for a minute and pretend that you are reading your message - how would you advise the writer? 

I know that it is equally upsetting for DH's and DP's when a cycle fails, but us women also have vast amounts of drugs to contend with as well as the disappointment. (I have only recently admitted to myself how many mood swings I had and how mean I was at times to my DH - I actually apologised to my DH for being such a "diva")

You have to be strong for each other - talk to him - perhaps agree to discuss it on neutral territory (so that you wont end up arguing) and maybe before you go, you could each write down what you want to discuss and how you feel - to stop either of you going off at a tangent..... just a thought.

stay strong - stay positive  

Reality xx


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

Isobella

I really feel for you and hope you've managed to have sort of a productive day despite horrendous last night.  I dread getting to that situation.  Still TTC naturally but once it gets to the treatments side of things I worry how it could escalate cost wise and how that will affect me and DH.  I turned 40  a few weeks ago so you do have a few years on me - hold on to that.  We've started looking casually into adoption and even the idea of a relative helping out with DH's sperm.  Sounds so drastic and never thought Id be doing it, but I think the thought of atleast having a child, mine or not, to raise helps take a tiny bit of pressure off me and the uphill struggle we have to do it alone.  At the same time Im thinking up ways to save money - however little.  Sellling loads of stuff on ebay (got £800 recently).

Take care of yourself somehow.. Chat soon.
Sheena xxxx


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

By the way, be interested to know your IF history.  Have you had ICIS due to sperm issues?  If so and you yourself are fine, have a casua think about whether by donating some eggs you can get your side of treatment (eg IVF) for free/reduced?  Sorry if Im overstepping, but its just Im at that stage where I'm thinking of all sorts.  I may even consider paying for treatment to get a donated egg, as my IF problems are due to me/ possibly my eggs not up to scratch.  I like the idea that by doing that Ill be helpng pay for someone else to have IVF or whatever if they donate me an egg (is it called egg share  or something. I must read up on this site).

Big hugs - do keep writing even if it makes you cry.

Sheena xxxx


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## reality (Nov 13, 2006)

Hello,

Sheena - that is really good advice, as you say - depending on Isobella's hsitory, egg sharing could be an option to get IVF free of charge, she then only has to find the extra money for the ICSI part. I am going to send you some bubbles - Reality xx

Isobella - hope you are OK - don't forget that we are here if you need to talk - Reality xx


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## fatcat (Mar 12, 2005)

Oh Isobella, how awful   I really hope you've managed to talk to your husband now. It can be so lonely at the best of times, this awful fertility business, can't it? Like you, we have had 2 failed cycles of ICSI and are beginning to think about plan B. 

You should be able to access counselling through the clinic you had your treatments in- do you think that would be worth a shot? Relate are also good if your husband would consider going to them with you- it might give you a chance to get both sides across in a 'safe' environment. 

What your husband said was really unfair- obviously I don't know you, but to have got through 2 ICSI cycles I think you're doing pretty damn well! It's not easy and I have soooo much respect for everyone here on this site and how they all cope. Whatever he says, it is harder for us girls- obviously the emotional side is just as bad for the blokes, but we have all the physical and hormonal side effects to deal with on top.

On a tangent here, but as you've had ICSI I assume it is a male factor problem- is it possible he is angry because he is feeling guilty or something? and just lashing out at you? 

Lots of random thoughts, sorry (it is Friday night) As I said, I really hope you've sorted it out, but remember there's always folk around on here, and we all know just how crappy the whole business can be. Take care of yourself and lots of   fatcat xx


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Hi babes,

Hope u have sorted ur problems out hunny. 
Please dont let the one thing that u and your DH want so badly destroy your relationship, i know how hard it can be hunny as me and my Dp struggled after my 1st BFN in july last year and i really thought it was going to destroy us.  It was not because i didnt love him it was just the arguing got too much and then one day we sat and cryed and talked and sorted it out.  His words to me was Do not let the one thing we want so badly bring us apart it should be bringing us closer and its true hun.
Some couples sadly do decide to give up and sadly dont have children but u must remember that as long as u have the love together and u keep the dream true it will happen for u.   
The thought of me not having another child kills me inside and i hate the thought that it wont happen and i pray it wont but i do have other things in my life thats inportant to me and u never lose the other things that matter to u most like your DH.

Good luck hunny and sit with hubby and have a nice calm chat and ask him to explain the things that are upsetting him and then u have ur turn where u say wat u need to if u both listen hard enough u will soon realise that its not the love its just the emotional roller-coaster that sadly IVF brings  but then it does bring so much happiness too.     

loads of wishes for u xxxxxxxxx

shye


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## sheena 1M (Oct 4, 2006)

How you doing Issy?

I read another thread tonight on another subject, but someone wrote in to suggest that the lady in question talk privately to her consutant re lack of empathy from her OH, and then arrange an appointment with OH and consultant for him to explain the hardships we go through with all these treatments and infertilty. Adding some science to it may give OH another viewpoint. 

I know that once my DH started talking man to man with my consultant he did get much more supportive and interested and almost sees it as a challenge now that he wants to solve. He's always wanted kids, he says, and until recently he just assumed somehow we would, and that I was maybe making too big a deal about it.  He knows more now.

Im wondering too whether your OH has really sat down alone and thought about what his life would be like in the future IF he remained childless.  Has he really imagined himself at say 50.  And what about 70? Is he ok with that - if so, atleast you know. Trouble is, anything you say will just sound bitter.  

Hope you are coping today.

Sheena xxxx


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## isobella (Jan 18, 2007)

Hi Girls

Thank you so much for your replies, I really do appreciate your help and support it was really kind of you all and I really do wish you all the luck at whatever stage of this rollercoaster you are at. 

Sorry I havent been on to reply but really tried to have a few days escpe from the internet.  DH and I went out for a meal on Friday night and had a good chat, he has asked if we can just have a break from discussing treatment for the next few months as he is really worried that we havent had a break and it has been full on for the past few years.  I must agree but it is just so hard (if onloy we had a little switch in our heads!!!) we have agreed not to discuss the I word for a while but agreed that I will still look into our options and give him the facts and figures and perhaps look at a way of having some treatment later this year.

I feel like such a cow but I just feel that every day, week month that goes by is pushing us further from even having a chance of our dreams (where is that switch!)but we will see how we go and see what the summer brings but it was good to clear the air....just hope it lasts.

Just a bit of my history, DH is fine it is me that has the problems,  I have immune problems, high NKs etc and quite a poor responder, first ivf x 4 eggs but none fertilised so they decided to do ICSI next time as this hopefully would work better, ICSI in sept, 4 eggs, 1 fertilsed, bfn.

Thank you all so much again and take care
Isobella


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## reality (Nov 13, 2006)

Hiya,

I am glad that you have made the decision mutually - I know that the summer sounds like a long way off, but between now and then, you can prepare yourself (mentally and physically), you can also gather as much information as possible so that when you do decide to discuss it again, you are fully prepared for all of the options. I am sending you lots of     

Stay Strong and remember that FF is always here - DH didn't say anything about not discussing it with us  

Take care.



Reality xx xx


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## x shye x (Jan 24, 2006)

Hi hunny,

Thats good u have had a chat xxxx

takecare 

shye xxxxxxxxxx


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