# Am I just the wrong?



## Toad76 (Feb 9, 2013)

Hi all, 

So we have started our investigations and research into adoption. I am 41yrs, my husband is 31yrs and we have a DS 3yrs from previous IVF. After lots of phone calls and chats with Duty SW's and a couple of open evenings we had narrowed down our choices. So we went to take it to the next steps and both agencies said thanks but no thanks after hours of chatting to us. They have both basically said we are too white and too middle class to be in with a chance of Fostering to Adopt, and that if they trained us and mentored us we would be waiting years. 

I have one more open evening with a local authority, (which everyone seems to say are useless and don't go through them), and then we are out of options. 

Am I just the wrong kind of person? I naively thought we would be able to offer a great home and family to the right little one. Seems we may be staying a family of three after all. More than a little gutted.

Toad


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## Danaa (Mar 6, 2016)

Im so sorry to read this...this is horrible.i know nothing about adoption but this sounds so wrong.I hope you soon can get a little one at home.
And people always ask why don’t u adopt?!I wish I can show them this!!!
Good luck!!


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## Tictoc (Aug 20, 2015)

Don’t give up based on this feedback. We were rejected by 8 agencies / LA’s before we found one that wanted to go ahead with us - most of the time we didn’t even know why but for many the fact we had a birth child was the biggest problem. 

6 or 7 years down the line now and we have adopted 3 children - all separately. You just have to keep fighting to get someone to put you through the process -the children in care will vary from region to region and over time.


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## cosmopolitan4112008 (Oct 18, 2013)

I do not have any experience, but i would say "dont give up". There is a child or children out there waiting to be saved.


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## Toad76 (Feb 9, 2013)

Thank you ladies. I knew that trying to adopt would be hard and stressful at times, but I had no idea that agencies would just turn around and say no, as if it was the lightest decision. 

I wonder if the Social Workers realise the gravity of their comments. I totally understand if you know or feel that we would be on a path to no where, and therefore there would be no point taking us on, and training us and getting us approved. 

However, a quick e-mail and a 'don't bother you'll be waiting years'? You just took away our hope and our dream. Have a little compassion. Just because I have been blessed with a son through treatment, don't be fooled into thinking that the pain of not being able to conceive is gone. It isn't, it's here and it's real. Yes I have started to grow my life around that grief, but I don't appreciate you ripping open the box. 

While we sit and watch our friends become pregnant with their second and third children, we are left behind, and so we thought we could do something beautiful for our family and for a child that needs us. You have just casually broken our hearts. 

That being said, I will be picking myself up and sticking the pieces back together to continue the search, because we were born to be parents, my son deserves to know a sibling and because quite frankly dear Social Worker, you are wrong. 

Toad. x


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## ciacox (May 31, 2013)

So sorry to hear this. I can imagine how painful it must be. The reality is that most adopters are white and middle class so this is not a satisfactory explanation. Tictoc might be right, it may be because you have a birth child. Or there may be other factors they're not being straightforward about. I would maybe ask for more detailed feedback in case there's something you can address. Good luck xxxxxx


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## ellemay32 (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi toad76

Im sorry your having so much difficulty in getting started with adoption. In my experience its not because you are middle classed. My sw told us off the cuff that there are preferences  for families usually married with no kids at the top, then single adopters, then families with bio kids. Its certainly true, we had no kids and adopted quick, my friend is a single adopter and she waited 5yrs. The couple who had kids who we met have yet to adopt at all. 

Tbh i know its harsh and social workers do have a habit of being straight talkers, but in this case like my friend waiting 5 yrs to adopt has been rough and a mixed bag of emotions. Its not easy ride and so its better to be told bye than to be given false hope. I know its not what you want to hear but in the world of adoption there are lots of people with no kids who the sw have a pick of despite the claims. So you would get left behind. 

Hugs xxx


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