# Telling parents and friends



## hornauth (Nov 16, 2005)

I'd appreciate any advice about telling parents and friends of situation.  We have kept it to ourselves for over 2 years so don't really know how to go about telling them.


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## charna (Feb 6, 2006)

Hi Debbied25,

I have told my family what we hopefully will be doing regarding the ES, I know this is the other way round for you.  They have been great and really supportive.

You will be raising this child together and I see it has you are only getting a seed to help you on your way, you DH will be the "Dad".

I'm sure your family will be understanding when they know how much you want children, as for friends do you really need to tell them ?


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I have told my friends about using donor sperm as I am single - however I don't have many friends recently who have conceived without using donor sperm (all professional manless women, or lesbians).  I have not told my family (Mum) yet as I don't want her to worry about me going through IVF/ anaesthetics etc  as she is elderly and has been unwell herself, not until I have a baby on the way past 12 weeks!!  

I am using a known donor, who iniatially didn't want to tell his (Catholic Irish) family that he was donating sperm, he is a gay man in a committed relationship, but in fact he did tell his parents who were supportive.

At the end of the day it is your baby in your family and much wanted.  I have friends and colleagues who were adopted  and others who foster and adopt children and I don't see themselves as 'different' children or parents.

Debbied25 - I guess you could say that you have had some tests and need some help TTC etc don't need to say when or how long and it is the truth, and take it from there, as from your ticker I don't think that you have had treatment cycles yet.  

Best of Luck
L xx


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## sweetcaroline (Aug 20, 2004)

Hi Debbie

We told our immediate families when DH was diagnosed with azoospermia, and they knew about his (unsuccessful) operation to retrieve sperm.  As for friends, I have confided in a couple of close friends but we have chosen for it not to be generally known that our son was donor-conceived.  I have got to know a nice group of girls through antenatal classes and we meet every week and sometimes - like when they are discussing ttc the next one or what contraception they are using - I really want to tell them, but then I think it's not MY thing to tell:  DH is the one with the 'problem' but first and foremost I think it's up to Seb who he chooses to confide in one day.

For us it was important to have our families' support and they have been great.  As for how to go about telling them, knowing families they are probably wondering (if not asking) about your plans regarding having children and I'm sure you will feel a weight has been lifted from your shoulders when it's out in the open and you're able to discuss it with someone other than your DH.  Sometimes I feel frustrated that it's so taboo and we can't generally talk about it in the way I'm sure we would if it were me with fertility problems!  Going back to telling friends, a woman I worked with was seeing a guy who didn’t want kids but she told me she was having DIUI behind his back so I foolishly told her about my situation.  When I got pregnant and she didn't (she is considerably older) she turned rather nasty and I was worried that she was telling people about me and DH.  Luckily my ex-colleague has now moved away but I would say be very careful who you tell!  After all it could affect your children, not just you and your DH.

Very best of luck with your tx
Caroline x


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi
It is true that it becomes less easy as time goes on to tell family and friends - pregnancy being a good time to start generally.  Have a look at the Telling and Talking booklets on www.dcnetwork.org for guidance on this as well as 'telling' children.
Best wishes
Olivia


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## hornauth (Nov 16, 2005)

Thank you all very much for your advice.

We are going to speak to my parents on Sunday.  I know they'll be fab about it and we're very close so they'll be extremely supportive.  We'll probably tell my sister and her DH also.  And we'll talk to DH parents sometime next week, I'm not so sure how they'll be but time will tell.    Not so sure about telling friends as yet but if we do it'd only be very close friends.


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## blueeyes (Jun 19, 2004)

Hi there
we have told family only. Our parents and brothers and sisters and one uncle. but I agree with Caroline once you have your longed for child it is their story to tell NOT yours. But whileyou are going through treatment You need the support of a few trusted people.
Our family have been great but one of my sisters was concerned and felt we should adopt but has since come around to the idea. 
Since our BFP everyone has been so positive.

It is upto you who you tell, but you can simply say you are having fertility treatment without going into the exact details as to why. Our friends think we have “unexplained” infertility, although DH has no sperm!!!!
Good luck 
Blueeyes


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## *Suze* (Sep 16, 2005)

hi

I think you must be very strong to have kept this to yourselves over the last two years and im sure when you confide in your family they will be very supportive. 

We had no choice but to tell friends and family due to my dh having testicular cancer twice (he was diagnosed azoospermic in between) and it doesnt take a lot to work out that we cant have children 'naturally' and i agree that now we are going along the tx route we dont want to broadcast the fact that we are using a donor however we have only told family our parents and 2 close friends that we are having ivf so we dont have to tell everyone the details. 

We are not embarressed to discuss our choice in how we are plan to get a family and have a few out spoken friends who (after a few drinks) have told us that we should adopt so we are on an equal and that my dh will leave me when im pregnant!! 

My dh decided he wanted to talk to his parents to find out how they felt about it and would they be happy to be our child's grandparents to which they said yes and couldn't wait!

good luck with telling them and im sure you will feel like a weight has been lifted  

much love
Suzi x


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