# Newbie- 40 solo mom considering IVF and lonely in Berkshire



## parmaviolet (Sep 30, 2017)

Hello Lovely People

I'm a Newbie and been flirting with the idea of having a baby on my own (just not met the right guy) for the last couple of years.  Now that I've turned 40 the panic has set in and I feel a bit lost and am looking for some advice as to whether to try IUI or IVF first. I'm also hoping to link with other solo moms out there.

I've been to a clinic in London for some initial checks and have been told my AMH level is good and that I have a good number of follicles.  But I have to get some polyps removed first if I want to go for IVF and my smear test has just come back with high grade cell abnormality and I'm going for a colposcopy tomorrow.  I feel a bit scarred and overwhelmed with all the steps required and can't decide whether to just try IUI first.  How have people found IUI and IVF?  I can't help but feel the clinic is pushing for IVF as this earns them more money, on the other hand with money being an issue for me (I might only be able to do one round of IVF), part of me thinks I should just go for IVF as there may be a better success rate.

Also, I live in a small part of West Berkshire so have been struggling to meet other solo moms - does anyone know of any local groups or forums in West Berkshire?  I moved to the area 3 years ago and whilst I have friends, I don't feel I have anyone I would feel comfortable turning to if I needed a break from the baby (if I'm lucky enough to have one) for a couple of hours.  People have their own lives and I'm not great at asking for help.  I'm also an only child and my parents live over 500 miles away, so family support is not an option.  How have some of the other solo mom's out there managed for support?

Looking for advice and support.

Good luck to all of you out there - my thoughts are with you
x


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## pauli (Sep 19, 2016)

Hi Parmaviolet, I cannot help with many answers, but wanted to say my sister is a solo mum and she is amazing. She became a better person after having her baby. And she has no family support at all, she lives in USA, I live in UK. She had relationships in the past, divorced once... She always wanted to have a child, she first tried IUI which did not work, but her first attempt at IVF ICSI resulted in a lovely healthy boy. 

I thought IUI is relatively inexpensive, although we never tried it and do not know the success rates for your age group. But could  be a good idea for you if you are healthy and your hormones and ovaries are fine. Always good to ask Dr for advice. 

If finances are tight, you could consider IVF clinics abroad. Many ladies here have good experiences with clinics in Spain, Greece, Czech Republic. It is cheaper, and the level of care is often better than in the U.K. There is a lot of information about different clinics on this forum.

Good luck to you xx


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## deblovescats (Jun 23, 2012)

Hi parmaviolet
Sorry can't help with the Berkshire info, but can give you my input about being a solo mum.
Like you, I hadn't met my perfect partner so decided to go for it on my own. I haven't regretted it although it can be difficult at times. Due to my age, I went straight to donor egg so had double donation. I didn't go down the IUI route. Obviously it's cheaper than IVF but the odds of it working are less. I had two cycles at one clinic, one fresh, one FET, then which failed. I changed clinics, and again did double donation with an egg sharer (so I got half the eggs). This time I got 12 eggs, all fertilized, four developed to blastocysts and I had a son who is now 3 from a fresh cycle. I was lucky and had 3 embryos frozen. I had FET last year and my baby daughter is one this month. I still have two in storage. It's scary having to have all the treatment before you can go ahead, but just take a day at a time.
My children are so gorgeous and I love them so much. My life is much more rewarding with them and although my life is busier, I feel so complete. 
Hope this helps and if you want to message me, just do so, with any questions.


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## parmaviolet (Sep 30, 2017)

Hi Pauli,

Thank you for taking the time to reply and telling me about your sister.  She sounds amazing and it gives me hope to know that there are others out there who have gone for their dream and are succeeding not just surviving.  

I hadn't considered oversees treatment so will look into that.  I've seen quite a bit about treatment in Czech which looks promising.

Hugs
Parmaviolets


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## florenceroxanne (Nov 9, 2015)

Hello ParmaViolet,
I'm not a single Mum, well I'm not a Mum yet   but I've just read your story and wanted to give my 2 cents.
I'm writing from Italy so I haven't got a clue about solo Mums groups in Berkshire, anyway Im sure there are groups of SM!!
Anyway what I wanted to tell you is please GO FOR IT, take a deep breath and start this adventure, which is certainly a difficult one but at the same time it can change your life forever. I can understand you're worried about not being able to cope on your own, but there are so many solo mums and they manage to give their best to their children. If you have a permanent job and a house, then just go for it.
Your child will go to crèche and you ll be able to start working again.
I want to tell you 2 stories, just to give you courage. A friend of mine got pregnant at 40, she told her boyfriend (they had been dating for a few months) and he said he didn't want the baby, and they split. She has NO parents, she just has a sister who has her own child. Well, she kept the baby, today she's a beautiful 3-year-old girl, her name is Vittoria because she is her mum's victory. Of course it's hard, but she couldn't be happier. 
Another friend of mine, who is single as well, decided to go to Spain, and now she has twins. She is happy of course, but I must tell you it's really hard to cope with twins as a single mum. 
If you have a good AMH and a good amount of follicles, I would say try with IUI first, it may work.  Is your FSH also ok? Cause that is really impoortant as well.
As Pauli suggested, try and collect info about clinics abroad, it's much cheaper and they're really good clinics. Well, Spain has become more expensive actually, but Greece and Czech Republic and Slovakia are ok. Unfortunately in the CZ you need a partner. That's where I have planned to go for the second time. I had a positive result in May then miscarried   
Last thing I wanna tell you, I have other single friends and colleague who are giving up cause they are single and they are too scared. So they try to convince themselves that it s not so important, that they haven't got enough money, that a baby needs to have a dad.... But I swear I can see the sadness in their eyes. Morevoer, it's of course true that a Dad is also important, but every day I see couples who are not able to be good parents and single mums who wanted so much their babies that now are so attentive, informed, competent (I can say that because I'm in the teaching field and also work with dyslexic students). 
So I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do, and if you write here I will be happy to read   
Florence


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## sands11 (Jun 28, 2015)

Hi Parmaviolet, 
I hope you are well. I also live in West Berks and hoping to become a solo mummy. I'm very happy to chat either online or face to face. 
You'll see from my info that I've done IUI and IVF fingers crossed my next IVF round is a success. 
I look forward to getting from you.


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## star44 (Aug 28, 2017)

Hi ParmaViolet and everyone else, I don't live in West Berks, but I am in the same situation as you, I'd be very happy to chat to anyone in the same position, so we can support and help each other x


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