# Dear La'al Un



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Dear La’al ‘Un

In Cumbria, where we live, there is a local dialect word, “la’al.”  It means small or little.  So, dear little one, that’s what I shall call you.

La’al ‘un, there are so many things I want to tell you, about me, about your daddy-to-be, about our house, our cats, our journey.  Maybe you’ll read this one day, maybe you won’t – that’s okay.  It’s enough to have told you, even so.

I wrestle with the fact that you might not even exist yet.  I wrestle even harder, in the dark hours of the night, with the fact that you might be living in fear and sadness.  Hang on in there, La’al ‘un, we’re coming.

In two days’ time we’ll be driving a long way to go to our adoption preparation course.  It’s three days of intensive training and information, with a bunch of people we’ve never met before.  I suspect nothing will really prepare us for your arrival in our life, but that’s okay.  You’ll find we’re fast learners, gleefully ready for change, and more than a bit flexible.

I’m not precisely worried about the prep course.  I’m a bit worried about how we’ll sleep in the Travelodge, about how your quiet, shy-of-strangers daddy will manage.  I could do without worrying about whether I’ll be having headaches all the way through – I’ve had a lot lately, and although I know it’s nothing to worry about, I could do with being ‘on form’, you know?

Then again, I’m such a talker, it might be a good thing for me to be a bit quiet.  I can be a bit overwhelming, although I always mean well.  I’m just enthusiastic!

I’ve been trying to think what to tell you first about daddy and me.  Well, I’ve told you daddy can be quiet, but that’s just with strangers.  Daddy is the funny, friendly, helpful guy everyone loves.  I fell in love with him on a summer day in 1993 when I was a passenger in his tractor.  
Most people have an “our song”.  We have an “our tractor”.  It’s an International, although I always have to ask daddy which model it is.

I fell in love with daddy because he made me laugh, and because he made me feel beautiful.  He still does.  Why he fell in love with me, I will never know.

Maybe it’s because I laugh a lot.  And I do.  I laugh a LOT.

There will be a lot of joy in our big house, La’al ‘un.

What they call our ‘Home Study’ has officially started.  They’re aiming to get us to Approval Panel in August.  I know enough, now, about this process to file that under, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  That’s okay, too.  

We’ve been nine years searching for you.

We’ve learned the hard way how to wait.

We’ll wait for you, if you wait for us.  Is it a deal?

It’s a deal, then.

Speak to you soon, La’al ‘un.


----------



## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

What a beautiful story, AoC, I think it sums up a lot of people's hopes and fears - really moving   

I wish you the best of luck on your course and hope your dreams do come true


----------



## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Choked me right up! I think we can all identify with the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears.  Wishing you all the luck and happiness in the world.  Its what you and the rest of us here deserve   xxxxxxx


----------



## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Perfectly written and  a great way of sharing xxx  Good Luck on prep course and keep us posted!


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Thank you Flick, Lolly and KJB!


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Dear La'al 'Un

How are you today?  

I have so much to tell you!  I'm not sure I can get my thoughts in shape.  They keep fluttering around like crazy butterflies.

They tell you, you know, that your adoption preparation course can be really hard.  I've heard people say they can be pressured and harrowing, that they're run to discourage people who are not really committed to the process, and test those that are.  I wasn't scared, exactly - I know how strong we are, now - but I was worried how hard it might be.

It wasn't hard, La'al 'Un.  At least, it was only as hard as something this important ought to be.  

We slept okay, and I didn't have a headache, hooray!  We had three days with other adopters, some singles, some couples, and we covered lots of different things.  We talked about what our children's needs might be, and what ours are a parents.  We talked about attachment, and how hard it might have been for you in your early life, and about learning and choices and parenting.  The social workers were wonderful people who made us feel comfortable, but stretched and challenged us where we needed to be.  

We also talked about fudge and sausage, football and gardening, and how we wouldn't buy you a T-shirt with nasty and degrading language on it.  So there.  

I guess we're going to be horrible, strict parents, then!

(Not really.  You'll see.)

Our list of 'matching considerations' ended up being less restricted than I thought it might.  We did, though, realise that our old house with its horse-hair plaster and, lets face it, occasional damp, and four cats, might not be the best place for a la'al 'un with asthma!!!

For me, and I will tell your Daddy this soon, one of the best things about the course was seeing Daddy get stuck in there and involved and committed to it.  He was amazing, and I can't tell you how loved and secure I feel now that we're an equal partner in this process.  I've had to lead for so long, and it's boring and lonely and hard work!

We're going to make you feel loved and secure, too.

Oh.  And we're never going insist you 'clear your plate' before getting down from the table.  Just so's you know.

I thought I would cry every day on the prep course, La'al 'Un.  But it was only when we were talking about meeting your birth mother that I cried.  Not because I was scared of that, or didn't want to, but because it hurt just to think about someone sitting there looking at me, thinking, "they're taking my baby away from me," and saying, "just make sure they know I tried.  I love them."

But it was okay.  I wasn't the only person crying.  I wasn't even the only woman crying.  

I expected the course to be mostly about applying to adopt.  But actually it was mostly about BEING adoptive parents.  It felt like a vote of confidence in us.  We came back from the course feeling excited and raring to go.  A little scared, a lot daunted, but knowing we can get there.

Knowing we can get to you, La'al 'Un.

This week we have another visit from our lovely social worker, which we're both looking forward to.

And this weekend your Gran and Grandad are visiting to help us fit a new loft access hatch. This is very important La'al 'Un!  It means we can clear things away out of the spare rooms and start to create a space for you.  I don't suppose you'd like to send me a cosmic hint as to which room you'd like most?  The cosy pokey one or the spacious slightly draughty one?

Don't worry, we'll work it out.

What else should I tell you about Daddy and me?  Well, we like to play games.  Board games and silly nonsense games, computer games and trying-to-answer-the-University-Challenge-questions-first games.  Sometimes we have friends visit and play games with them.  This weekend we played 'Munchkin' and laughed at the 'pretty balloons!'

But we're not all fun.  I should probably tell you about nasty habits, too.  Ummm..... well, I occasionally pick my toenails, how's that?  And Daddy never ever washes all his stubble out of the basin.  *Sighs.*  I can be a bit snappy when I'm thinking too much (like, most of the time *eyeroll*) and Daddy can be a bit grumpy if he has to change his plans suddenly.  Daddy likes watching his team play football, and all the Grand Prixs, and we both like watching Big Bang Theory.

Bazinga! 

Keep your chin up, La'al 'Un.  We're coming.


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Awwwww AoC,
So lovely   , got me all tearful.
As Lolly said, we can all identify with how you feel, your thoughts, hopes and fears    

Lots of luck with everything,

Love Anj x


----------



## Nicki W (Nov 1, 2006)

Good luck with everything AOC! Am looking forward to following your progress.  La'al Un is going to be a happy chappy (or chappess, or both!) 
  
Nicki xx


----------



## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

Aw AOC i love how you are talking to your little one. Its beautiful xx

I agree about prep course not if but when you adopt and the type of child/children you will have!


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Thank you Anj, Nicki and Someday.    Yes, the course was a real eye-opener - it felt like a huge vote of confidence.  Not IF you become a parent, but WHEN!


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Dear La'al 'Un

I wonder where you are and what you're doing in this wonderful sunshine.  I hope it makes you smile.  I hope there is someone to make sure you don't get sunburned and maybe buy you an ice cream.

When I was a child, if it was this hot we'd play fill empty washing up bottles with water and squirt each other, or run round the garden threatening each other with the hose pipe.  We had a big pond in a small garden - sometimes we'd dabble our feet in the water and let the stone loach nibble our toes.

People pay good money for a fish pedicure these days!

We're making progress, I think, with our Home Study, La'al 'Un.  Our Social Worker is lovely, you would - you will - love her.  We laugh a lot, answering questions about our relationship and how we met, how we've weathered the tough times, and celelbrated the good.  She wrote lots down, but I didn't worry about what she was writing.

If there is one - one! - thing that I am sure of in this world, is that Daddy loves me and I love Daddy, and whatever we're facing as a couple (and as a family, when you're with us!) we can do it as long as we do it together, and talk about it.

We're good at talking.  ;-)

And laughing, we do a lot of laughing!

All laughing aside, Mummy worries sometimes.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and worry about the strangest things.  Big things, important things, but also things I can't make better by worrying.  Last night I woke up worrying about whether it would be the right thing to introduce you to my faith, or whether you should find your own way.  I fret a bit about whether your Grandad and two Grans will understand that they won't be able to meet you until you've settled down a bit.  I nibble my nails and bite my lips wondering if I'm going to be the mummy you need.

But let me tell you something important, La'al 'Un.  Everyone worries sometimes.  About big things and little things.  It's okay.  It's not the end of the world.  I tell Daddy and he'll say something wise like, "have you tried writing it down?" or "do you need to talk to someone else?" and I feel better.  He's good like that.

The thing is, the closer we get to you, the more real you become to us.  And that means we care about giving you what you need. 

We care very, very much, La'al 'Un.

Oh!  I forgot to tell you about the loft!  Do you remember I said we were having a new loft hatch fitted, so we could clear up the house and make more room for you to fill up with your books and toys and clothes?  Well, your Grandad and Daddy made a wonderful job.  Daddy took the whole week off work and has been doing amazing things, clearing up the mess up there, and insulating and boarding.  (Let's not mention that my office, which is where the loft hatch went, is TRASHED!)

So next we're going to do a lot of sorting out and cleaning, and we'll redecorate my office, and THEN, La'al 'Un, we're going to decorate your bedroom!!!  You've ended up with the end room, the bigger one.  It's sunny and spacious, and Cleo (one of our cats) hasn't QUITE learned how to open the door yet...  

I must remember to tell you all about our cats soon.  I wonder which one will be your favourite?  I think it will be Chrissy.  

Well, I should be finishing this.  Next time our Social Worker comes round, she's going to talk to me by myself, then the next visit will be Daddy.  I'll let you know how it goes, La'al 'Un.

Hang on in there, sweetheart.  We're coming.


----------



## flickJ (Feb 9, 2012)

It really makes my day to read your "conversations"   I have a tear in my eye every time, not because of sadness but because, secretly, it is what we are all hoping and praying for and you express it so well  

Can't wait for the rest of your journey


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Awwwww AoC  

You always get me teary when I read your diary entries   
I almost don't want to reply as I feel I'm intruding into your personal space for your La'al 'Un.
I hope you're copying your entries onto a word document as they will be so lovely for your lo to read when they are older   

Love Anj x


----------



## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Thank you Flick!  I'm glad I'm tapping into what we all feel!  I'm just trying to be honest, with myself and with La'al 'Un.  

Thanks Angj, I don't mind at all if people comment - I love it.    Sometimes I save up reading the comments for a down day, because it's a lovely boost.  I haven't saved the entries yet, but I plan to.  Although it's posted in public, I do try and think about La'al 'Un reading them when they're older.

But most of all I just don't want to forget.  We can move on so fast and not remember how we felt or what we did about it....  this is such an important time, I don't want it to be lost.

A.


----------

