# Need to get this off my chest - Sorry!



## verdelegno (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi everyone,
This is my first post, so I'll try to keep it brief. Apologies if I fail to do so.   
DP and I have been TTC for nearly 2 years. We're both 36.
DP had a bit of trouble getting decent results from SA but eventually told that everything was normal. 
AFM after a number of tests, prods and pokes   got DX - Polycystic Ovaries.
They tested further and everything came back as good. Had 2 ovulation tests, both came back positive.
Started Clomid treatment 3 months ago (just started taking the 3rd round yesterday   ).

Trying to stay positive but finding it hard to talk to family.
2 older sisters have 2 children each and just learned a few weeks ago that my little brother's wife is PG.
What's more, when she passed on her happy news, she also said she had Polycystic Ovaries and had been on a similar treatment.
I hadn't told her about my issues - my mum had got there first ... without asking me if it was ok.   
In fact, I've just recently found out that when my sister-in-law called to tell me she was pregnant, my mum and sister were in the same room listening for my response via speakerphone!   

They are all treating me differently. My sisters aren't close to me. They have their families and up until they found out about this, just assumed that I'd chosen the selfish route. I get on well with my brother and I'm thrilled for them both. 
I don't want pity or to be deceived. Suppose they don't know what I'm going through - even sister-in-law. She's 10 years younger than me for a start. And she had only just started TX when she got PG.
Ironically, my dad is the only one who shows me any sensitivity.   

On top of all this, DP and I planned to get married next July. Now we don't know whether we'll be able to confirm the venue. We need to put down a deposit a year before date - which is now!  Initially hoped to have had a child before next July. Now looking unlikely. Having a family is our top priority. We can get married anytime...
It feels like our life is on hold until we succeed. 

Hope all this makes sense. Feels good to get this out.   
Hope I don't sound   

Verdelegno 

Btw, did I mention I'm a secondary school teacher? Love my job. Am a very lucky person in general...


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## bestbean (Oct 4, 2010)

Hi Verdelegno

Didn't want to just read and run, glad you feel better now you've let it all out  

Its such a tricky subject with family isn't it.  Me and DH have been TTC naturally for years!!!  We didn't really let on for several years and found it very difficult when his sister pregnant so easily twice!  Our family know now and the way were are treated differs, sometimes with no consideration, sometimes patronisingly, sometimes very supportive, I'm not such whether it was better when they didn't know or did!?

The only thing I would say would be to not put anything on hold, if you are successful you will manage it and if it takes you ages, at least you'll have done all those things you wanted.

Good luck


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## verdelegno (Jul 25, 2011)

Thanks Bestbean

I agree. I'm not sure telling family is a good idea either.
My mum has always been very supportive in the past. 
However, this is something none of them have any experience of (even my sister-in-law really, though she tells me she knows what I'm going through  ) so what can I expect, other than their misguided and insensitive actions towards me. They can't do anything. They can't fix anything. They can't even advise anything - something they all love to do!

Wishing you luck next month with your test date. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Hope you get the best news.

Verdelegno


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Hi Girls,

I have the same problem with my family. To be honest they treat my problem like its a taboo subject, which makes it worse for me.I would rather talk about it than not at all , as it makes me feel uncomfortable.
My MIL is constantly being insensitive and putting her foot in it. My SIL takes for granted her own daughter and has been known to say in the past that she'll carry our baby for us as obviously I can't! Well not in those exact words but that's what the conversation amounted too. When I corrected her and said there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to carry my own baby she just ignored me! 

People think they are helping sometimes but unfortunately it doesn't come across like that. Myself and DH really don't have any one person who we can lean on for support during tx as all our family does is end up coming across either insensitive or ignorant.

I have come to learn that it's not their fault, they just don't understand. I have tried in the past to be frank with them, explain what IVF involves but I can tell they aren't really following me and most of the time they loose interest half way through the conversation.

I have to believe that they do care but just don't know how to show it. We have both grown an extra layer of thick skin over this past 3 years, there's not much someone can say to me that I haven't already heard. I think we will forever get comments like ' just relax and it will happen' , 'go on holiday and try naturally' , 'why don't you just adopt' , 'I don't understand how you can justify the amount of money it costs for IVF' , ' I don't know why you want kids anyway, they are nothing but grief' , 'You can have my child if you want'
All these comments we have heard from people with kids,its so easy for them to say! But like I say you learn to rise above it, I tend to not even bite back anymore, I just nod and agree and change the subject. Some people will just never understand how it feels to want a child, especially those who have had no problem having their own.

Love Lolli


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## bestbean (Oct 4, 2010)

lollipops, we've also had all of those said to us, the most irritating for me is from MIL who also struggled to conceive, every time the subject comes up she says ''I know how hard it is and in the end I just had to give it up and youknow what, it worked for us, you just have to put it out of your mind....'' Oh really, now I know what to do!!!!


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## verdelegno (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi girls, 

Wow! Never thought complete strangers would ever be able to express such similar thoughts and feelings to mine. 
Why didn't I come on here earlier? 
Your attitudes are really inspiring.

I feel for DP as he told his mother recently and she didn't seem at all bothered. In fact, she was keen to get off the phone! Ha ha (You've got to laugh) She's not close to DP and with her experience of parenting, would probably see it as a blessing rather than a curse!

I totally agree with lollipop. My immediate family all know and don't talk to me about it but I suspect there's lots of talking when I'm not there...  
I've also heard a lot of the same comments, but just to add my favourite said by my eldest sister about a year ago (before she knew) 'you're gonna leave it too late to have kids if you're not careful'. 

I'm gonna try to rise above it as you said and grow a few more layers of skin too!


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Verdelegno! FF is a lifeline for those seeking support, information and friendship whilst going through fertility issues. Fellow FF members are fantastic pressure valves when family, friends, doctors and partners often just don't "get" what you're going through. It has held my hand throughout treatment and I've made some great friends and gained a vast amount of knowledge, both of which are key factors in at least maintaining some level of sanity!

I'm so sorry you've been struggling to conceive your baby for the past couple of years - it's such a stressful experience, isn't it? And having people tiptoeing around you and not really giving you the support you need cannot help.      I totally know where you are coming from about your wedding. DP and I were going to get married back in 2006, but then we discovered we would need IVF in early 2006, and apart from 2009, we have been IVFing every year since - not many cycles compared to many on here, but our priority is to create our family, and so I must admit that wedding plans are on hold because I never know whether I will be pregnant or IVFing long enough in advance and anyway all our money goes on IVF. It's a tough one. I suspect that we may end up doing a quick job at the town hall one of these days, which is fine by me, but in retrospect I somewhat wish we had got married when the idea was still fresh. Good luck making that decision.

Have a look around the site, post wherever you like, and make yourself at home. Whatever your circumstances, there will be someone who is going through a similar situation and who can offer support and information.

I've added some links which you may find helpful:

*PCOS ~ *CLICK HERE

*Clomid ~ *CLICK HERE

*Complementary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ *CLICK HERE 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area.

*What Every New Member Needs to Know ~ *CLICK HERE

There's also a thread on here specifically for teachers, which I shall dig out and post once I've found it.

You can also chat live in our chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here. 
CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT

Post here with any more questions, or on any other part of the site - there will be lovely people ready to offer friendship, hugs and support to keep you going through the ups and downs and you'll quickly feel at home.

Good luck, I hope the Clomid does its magic for you on this cycle - I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.     

Martha X


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

to FF, Verdelegno!!! This is a great website for support, information, laughter and friendship, it has kept me (relatively!) sane though all my treatment. Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.

I can totally sympathise, I think a lot of us have had to deal with family or friends who have been pregnant. I don't have any magic solutions, I wish I did. I just tried to put on a brave face as much as possible and disappear to the loo when it gets too much for me. When it is nothing but baby talk I really feel like screaming. Fortunately I didn´t tell my family at the beginning, although I did eventually tell my mum and she told my family (she caught me just after failed treatment and mentioned pregnancy, so I just blurted it out!). My family do treat me a differently when it comes to pregnancies etc, but I think it is just because they don´t know quite how to approach the subject, not wanting me to get upset or feel uncomfortable, in turn making them feel uncomfortable.

I put my life on hold a lot when I was having treatment. I did another study course because I didn´t want to go out into the workplace and then leave as soon as I got there, I didn´t buy concert tickets because I thought I would be pregnant by the time the concert happened (but of course I wasn´t and missed the chance to go), we didn´t book holidays etc etc. If I was you I would book it!

Here are a couple of links that I think might help you.

Clomid ~ CLICK HERE

PCOS ~ CLICK HERE

Complimentary, Holistic and Spiritual Approaches ~ CLICK HERE 

The What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) thread will give you some info on how to navigate the site ~   CLICK HERE

We have a live chat room where you can meet other members, take part in themed chat events and gain a wealth of information from people who are or have been dealing with infertilty. New member chat is at 8pm on Wednesday, where we can introduce you to other members, show you around the chat room and help with any queries you may have both in the chat room and on the boards. Please take a look at the calendar and of course our Chat Zone: CLICK HERE

If you look on the main forum index you will find location boards. You can find others in your area, and even people going to the same clinic who will provide invaluable advice - some groups even have meet ups.

There is actually a thread for teachers undergoing treatment, I am a mod there and they are a lovely bunch of ladies. Just pop in and say "hello"! CLICK HERE

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it. We go through all the highs and lows of treatment together.

Good luck!                    

Sue


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

oops, our posts crossed, Martha!!!  

Sue


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Sue - great - you found the teacher's thread, that's what I wanted to find!

Verdelegno - I meant to ask, are you Italian?  your user name is interesting


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## bestbean (Oct 4, 2010)

BlueRed, when we came out of the infertility closet (as it were) and told close family and friends where we were and that we got a chance to try with IVF, I felt such a lot of pressure, people asking how it went, what stage we were at how long it would take, of we had a result yet, what that meant.

I felt each time we came across a difficult time, I had to break it to them as well and I found I was sheltering them.  This is out second attempt and we've told no one, so far its been a lot easier to deal with.  

I suppose different people need different support but my acupuncturist and FF really helps, its just a bit more private


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## verdelegno (Jul 25, 2011)

I'm bowled over at how many people have replied to my post today.  
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. 
I'm still getting to grips with the site but I'll definitely have a look at the teachers' page.
I'm an English teacher and probably the hardest part of my job is that I have to teach Child Language Acquisition at A Level.
3 months every year, I'm required to teach every stage of a baby's language development, from birth to about 4 years.
There's lots of cooing, babbling and first words emanating from my classroom - plus me trying to keep it together! Hee hee  

Btw, I'm not Italian but I lived there for a few years. 
Mamma mia!!! 
If only...  Tee hee (I'm on form tonight  )

Thanks again to all of you. Big   all round.


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## loopylou174 (Jul 15, 2011)

HI Girls, 

just wanted to say HI and share my experiences.   I too had told my immediate family (including my in laws) about our struggles to conceive. I was OK until we got to the treatment stage and then had a bit of a meltdown! I love my MIL to bits but she was putting SO much pressure on us (constantly asking what was going on, telling us we should do this or try that.......) my DH and I decided NOT to tell her when we had are 1st IUI 12 days ago. I'm only just coping with the 2ww myself didnt need her analysing every twinge and pain too!!!!

Verdelegno I have 4 sisters 3 of whom have children and 1 who is pregnant at the mo.Its hard when they keep asking about children. To add insult to injury the one who's pregnant fell pregnant by a guy she had an affair with she's also got psychiatric problems and is absolutly clueless with children and I jusk keep thinking why her?!?!!?   I also work with children - I'm a Health Visitor and so see new babies on a daily basis! I guess I just switch off to my fertility issues when I'm at work!!! 

I've found FF a fantastic source of inspiration and support and its now my lifeline!!! Verdelegno hope you find it as good.  

Sending you all lots of   and   and   that it will be our time soon

Love Lou x x x


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## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

So many of us in the same boat. Its sad really, shame any of us have to got through this  

I think we can all relate to eachother, especially when it comes to other people being pregnant and perhaps not even planning the pregnancy. That one always stings....

I knew of a women who fell pregnant and after a few months was convinced she didn't want the baby and hatedbeing pregnant, moaned about putting on weight, moaned about loosing her old life...sad thing is she and her DH actually tried for this baby   If your not 100% sure you want a baby , why do it? You can't send it back or get a refund if you later think it's a mistake!   I would have done anything to be in her shoes! 

I use to work with children but I started suffering with depression and left. I worked for the company for 5 years and it was heartbreaking to leave but I was so unhappy being there and being reminded of what I haven't got all day,every day....I admire those who can stay in their jobs with children whilst having tx. I wasn't strong enough to do it anymore.  

I am sure in some way we all have to get our dreams , life can't be this rubbish surely?! We are all going to make excellent Mummies, without FF i would have gone insane! This site provides me with an outlet, somewhere I can voice my thoughts and feelings and not be judged and somewhere to make likeminded friends


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## loopylou174 (Jul 15, 2011)

So well put lollipops!!!!! Glad you've founf FF as supportive as me too  

Our moto is 'we'll get there' and we will.... all of us!!!!  

   ^fairydust


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## verdelegno (Jul 25, 2011)

Hi Loopylou

It is frustrating when people around you seems to make it all look so effortless.
There are so many women I've known in the last 10 years who say with confidence 'I'm going to start a family before I'm 30'... and they do!!
It's almost as if they've pre-ordered them on Amazon or something! Last time I heard that one, the tactless girl (who knew I was over 30) added 'because I don't want to be an old mum'. She followed this with 'so do you want children?' I was momentarily speechless and very uncomfortable. Not sure what I said. Probably something like 'We'll see'...  Chin up. Rise above it!  

Hi Lollypops

I'm sad to hear that you ended up quitting your job with children. That's my lifeline. I can't imagine doing anything else.
When I'm at work I don't get the chance to think about me... and that's great...it's the kids that matter. The hardest thing for me is coming home to an empty house - if the cat is out eating birds!  
Don't think that you weren't strong enough to continue working there. Different people have different ways of coping. I'm just a bit   taking comfort from the fact that I can make a positive difference in their lives, even though they go home and get cuddles from someone else. 
Anyway Loopylou, hats off to you - a health visitor! Now that's a job and a half! And you're right... just switch off and get on with it. 

Anyway, I'll leave you with one final comment. I live next door to a childminder and as I'm writing this, I can hear a baby screaming through the wall.  You've just got to laugh!!! Time to turn up the stereo, me thinks!

Take care of yourselves   
lots of love and best wishes
Verdelegno


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