# Some Thoughts



## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

Please forgive me, in advance, for the ramblings below..  Just needed to get something off my chest.

My wife is on day 5 of menopur injections.  The nice people at CFL warned us that the upheaval of hormones in her body may result in mood swings, depression, blues etc.  I've been joking with her since we started the injections that any day now she's due to turn into Godzilla.  To her eternal credit, and I love her for it, she's handled it all with incredible (but not uncharacteristic) grace and dignity.  She's amazing.

The past three years we've been trying for a baby have been gut-wrenching, to say the least.  It isn't an exaggeration that 36 months has seen 36 false dawns and hopes dashed.  I can't say that I've been the model husband through this.  I'm incredibly flawed and anybody less wonderful and supportive as my darling wife would, most definitely, have shown me the door by now.  One of my biggest flaws has been my inability to discuss my feelings.  My wife has suffered most because of this.  I bottle everything up, on the pretence of being the strong, macho, silent type.  Ironically, this makes me the weakest of the weak.  My cowardice defined me.  I've tried very hard, after some therapy and serious soul-searching, to put this right.

My wife stays strong through all this.  She takes what the world throws at her.  While she has been battered and bent by it, she's never let it break her.  She inspires me.  In the three years that we've been trying to have a baby, it seems that everybody we know (and all their near and distant relatives) have managed to have babies.  Her colleagues seem to sneeze and conceive.  Everywhere she turns, baby bumps and ultrasound scans confront her.  Its hard not to see the damage this does to her, but she gets on with it.  Every evening, at 7pm sharp (no pun intended), she struggles to pinch an inch and stick that needle into her.  As a typical gutless wimp, I can't watch because of my stupid fear of needles.

I try to tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of her for going through all this without complaining.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully convey how I feel to her.

Yesterday, I got a txt message.  The text message I have been dreading for almost 18 months.  My friend, my best man, asks me to call him when I have a few minutes.  I was his best man 18 months ago too.  I know what the txt message means.  He tried to hide the ominous nature of it with a smiley face at the end, but there was no getting away from what was about to happen.  I took a few minutes to prepare myself, then made the call.

I can tell from his voice straight away.  He laughs nervously, as do I.  We're great friends.  We tell each other everything.  There are no secrets at all between us, and the elephant in the room is staring at us both.  He takes a deep breath and just blurts it out.  His wife is pregnant.  After 6 months of trying, and one false dawn, she's 10 weeks gone.  In typical Irish fashion, I offer a congratulatory "good man".  As soon as I say it, I hate myself.  Everyone else who hears his good news will bounce up and down and be deliriously happy.  I don't have the energy for it.

Please don't get me wrong.  I am absolutely delighted beyond words for both of them.  They will make excellent parents, and I will love their child like my own.  I have already decided that if this IVF works for me and my wife, this guy will be the godfather to my baby.  I hope, and pray, that I am given the same honour when his child is born.  But I still hate myself for that first weak reaction to his news.  My second reaction is worse:  how the f**k do I tell my wife this?  

There's no good time, place or method to tell her.  It is, quite probably, the worst news I can tell her right now.  Forget all the colleagues and distant friends who have fallen pregnant since April 2009.  This one piece of news is so close to home, and with our egg collection scheduled for next week, the questions are racing in my head...

Do I wait until after egg collection?  Or after re-implantation?  What if, during our scan on Thursday, something has gone wrong and we have to stop treatment?  Add to this, the reality that my friend's news is likely to be made public before the end of this week...  By knowing this news, and not telling my wife, surely the deception is worse than the impact the news will have?  I promised my wife "no more lies" so many times, only to break that promise so many times.  We're in the best place our marriage has ever been (at least in my opinion).  I can't, in good conscience, jeopardise that.  It's cruel to be kind sometimes, so surely the only option is to tell her the news?

I agonised on it for 24 hours.  Today, a work colleague's daughter was announced as being pregnant.  The colleague apologised for the timing of the news but my wife told her she'd rather have known now than be told at a later time if the IVF hadn't worked.  When my wife tells me this story, the answer is suddenly before me.  So I tell her about our friends.

Yes, it was the wrong time.  There was no right time.  I hate myself for making her upset.  I hate myself for not being able to fully empathise with how she feels.  I hate myself for not being able to shout and scream and laugh and cry and celebrate my friend's wonderful joyous news.  This is what it's like when you go through IVF, I suppose.  The world is against you.  I hate the world.

But I love my wife.  She's my rock, my angel, my love, my girl.  And I can't give her the one thing she needs.  It's not my fault, and it's not her fault.  My macho, strong, silent act means nothing.  My girl is hurting and there's nothing I can do to fix it.  She smiles and laughs but, underneath it all, I see her aching.  More than anything else, this kills me.

John, I love you like the big brother I never had and I'm sorry I was such a sh*t friend yesterday.  I'm not jealous and I don't resent you this wonderful miracle.  I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression I did.

Sarah, there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you and I'm sorry for so many things.  You've been there for me so many times, through problems of my own making, and I've thrown it back at you.  Once would be too many times.  I've lost count of the ways I've hurt you.  You deserve so much more and you love me more than I deserve.  

We'll get there, and when we do it will be as a result of your bravery not mine.


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Just had to reply. What a beautiful heartfelt post. Your Mrs is a lucky lady to have someone so solid beside her.

I can't understand for one minute how someone who can write so eloquently and with such a depth of emotion can't share it with your Mrs.  Please, please show her your post as it will make such a huge difference to her. 

I wish you every success with your cycle.

Dee


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

Yes, please show her your post - it brought a tear to my eyes so I'm sure will be the perfect way to show her in words how you feel about her and your current situation.

Sending you lots of luck for a successful cycle .


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## leanne9373 (May 10, 2012)

What a truly heartfelt post.  Please show your wife this.  My partner sounds very similar to you, he never talks about feelings and emotions and switches off if he finds himself in an emotional situation, it is the main cause of most of our arguments.  If I had the chance to read something from him like you have just written i can't tell you how much it would mean to me.  Show her, its truly beautiful .  I hope you both get everything you wish for x


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## haribo (Apr 12, 2009)

I haven't always been a model husband either, just haven't known what to say at times.
It's very difficult, good on you for getting it down.


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## haribo (Apr 12, 2009)

forgot to add, good luck to you both for this cycle.


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

I am sat here crying   My husband and I struggled on for several years, the hopes dashed every month, the needles, the heightened emotions.  It is heartbreaking and I understand the anguish this causes.

I also think you should show your wife your post.  I am lucky my DH is quite open (well, for a man) but there were times I thought he wasn't that bothered, when inside he was breaking up.  When we spoke about it and I realised he was in pain too, and DID care (however much he was the 'strong' and 'brave' one) it really helped me.  I'm sure it will be the case for your wife too.

Very best of luck with your cycle


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## Lil Elvis (Dec 31, 2009)

What a lucky woman Sarah is, and what a wonderful father you will be! As the others have said ... just show her your words and I know she will give you the biggest hug. She will totally understand how hard it was for you to deal with your best friend's news and how best to broach it with her. Likewise I am sure he will know how bittersweet his news will have been for you both. Infertility is so very tough, far harder than anyone can know unless they have struggled with it themselves. The only upside is that you will undoubtedly have thought about it far more than most couples and will truly recognise what a wonderful gift parenthood is when your time comes.

I truly hope that your time is now just around the corner.

Caroline


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## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

Wow Irish Fella, you are so much stronger than you realise or give yourself credit for. I can't imagine how hard it was to write that post and I hope it helped. You're not a bad person  for feeling or reacting like that to your best friend's news, you are human and it sounds like your friend knows it would be hard news to hear and he will understand your reaction.

I echo the others and I hope you show your wife this post, the love and caring you express for her is so deep and although i obviously don't know her i think she would appreciate it more than you can know.

I wish you both the best of luck with this cycle answer the future. you will be an amazing father xxx


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

I wanted to pop back on and thank everyone for their kind words and advice.

As it turns out, I showed my post to my wife about half an hour after I wrote it.  Lots of tears and cuddles ensued and we both felt better about things.

After a few days, I sent a txt to my friend saying exactly what I'd said in my post.  

Horrible news yesterday when he txted me to say that his wife had miscarried.  12 weeks gone and then this happens.  I really really hate the world.

Truly heart wrenching, and now I'm in the reverse position to what I wrote about.  He's just suffered a terrible tragic loss, yet our IVF cycle has gone incredibly well.

Egg collection resulted in 22 (TWENTY TWO!!!) eggs, 16 of which were mature enough.  12 of them fertilised successfully, and 6 were mature and viable by the time of transfer.

So, we transferred 1 and the other 5 went into the freezer.

Tomorrow morning, my DW goes for the blood test and at 4pm we call the clinic for initial results.

If it's a BFP, I'll want to shout and scream it from the rooftops.  I'm nervous and excited and terrified all at the same time.  And I know I'll feel exactly how he felt.  Yet again, there's (hopefully) going to be a big foetus shaped elephant in the room.

Jaysus, I remember the days when he and I would go out at the weekend for a few drinks and be too scared to talk to all the gorgeous women in the bars we went to.  Now we're all grown up, wouldn't it be wonderful to have such inconsequential problems keeping us awake at night?

Anyway, thanks for the support.  It meant a lot to know that a lot of faceless people were rooting for me.  

Big 24 hours ahead, I know I won't sleep again tonight.


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## Faithope (Jan 16, 2011)

Lots of           for you both tomorrow, I look forward to your update.

Good Luck!


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

Oohhh good luck *Irish Fella*! Let us know how you get on .

Sorry to hear about your friends' miscarriage though... They must be heartbroken. Life really can be unfair .


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## hellsbells26 (Aug 10, 2010)

Your first post floored me so much so I couldn't think of how to respond. 

So delighted that your treatment went so well. I have everything crossed for good news tomorrow     

So sorry to hear about your friend. You'll help him through it  - it really is crap. I know what you mean about problems - oh to be that young lighthearted and niave again.

Hels XX


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

BIG FAT F**KING POSITIVE. 

thanks for all the wishes and prayers. I've never been as happy or proud or terrified as I am right now.


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

Fantastic news *Irish Fella*! Here's to a h&h pregnancy!

Now: celebrate!!


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## hellsbells26 (Aug 10, 2010)

Congrats to you and Sarah enjoy x x


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## dhneil (Mar 28, 2005)

I'm so glad it seems to be going well for you. Best of luck with the rest of this scary adventure.

Neil


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## Kaz1979 (Apr 11, 2011)

Congratulations. Never commented on a post that I just "fell on" but couldn't not. Glad you showed your wife and great news on the BFP. 

Xxxxx


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

Very best of luck to you and your wife with your BFP.
So sorry to hear about your friend, life really can throw crap at us sometimes  

Have an uneventful 9 months  

S x


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

I'm in Portugal on business and my wife is miscarrying at home. 

I really f**king hate the world.


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

Oh God . Is it 100% sure? Bleeding and cramping _can_ happen and yet not be anything serious with the baby... I really hope it's not. Either way, I hope you can get home soon to be with your wife .

xxx


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## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

*Irish Fella* Oh no!!!!! Is she definitely losing the baby? I hope there's still some hope. Absolutely gutted for you both       xxx


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## Magicbaby (Jan 11, 2011)

as i stumbled acorss this post reading ur heartfelt thoughts Irish fella u sound like so many men esp my DH - reading on i could find a great big smile across my face for u and ur OH and reading on even further that smile was wiped from my face - i really   that its not a miscarriage but implatation bleeding which can happen - even though we dont no one another im thinkin of u both and  please take comfort from ppl here on FF  

Magic x


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

Thanks for the support ladies & gents

Mother in law tells me it's a proper period with bleeding and cramping so makes me think it's more than just implantation bleeding. 

Having said that, there's always hope that it's routine although I think the luck of the Irish only goes so far. 

Heartbroken. Just want to cuddle her.


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## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

Oh I'm so sorry   I wish you could be with her too. At least her mum is looking after her and she's not alone   Be gentle on yourself as well too, it's not just your DW that needs a hug xxx


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

*Irish Fella*, your post have brought tears to my eyes .

Has your wife been to A&E or your clinic? I had a lot of bleeding that I presumed to be my period a few days before my BFP from our cycle of ICSI, which also lasted a few days, just like a period.

There are a few threads on here of women experiencing heavy bleeding and thinking it all over, even further into their pregnancies, yet in many cases everything turned out to be ok in the end.

 for a happy outcome for you,

xxx


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

She's called the clinic and they said there's not much they can do today. They said just to see how it goes over the weekend and made her an appt for Monday. 

In a way, it makes sense what they say. In another way, it's even more frustrating.


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## haribo (Apr 12, 2009)

Really sorry to read your news mate.
I hope Monday brings better news.


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## hellsbells26 (Aug 10, 2010)

Really hoping and wishing for you and Sarah. Take care of both of you x x


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## Kaz1979 (Apr 11, 2011)

Hi Irish fella

The ladies right you can bleed and all be well so fingers crossed. Be prepared for the worst and we'll all routing for you for the best. 

Just tell your wife to rest up, that's all she can do. 

Kaz xxxxx


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

Well we went to the clinic this morning and they did a blood test, we get the results in a few hours.  Everything is crossed and I'm praying to every God I've ever heard of for some benevolence.

If I may ask a question about progesterone?

The nurses this morning wouldn't test for progesterone level and said there's no proof that progesterone supplements can help a pregnancy "stick".  However, the more we read it appears there are cases where progesterone has helped women with recurring miscarriages.

Should we push harder for some testing on this?


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## hellsbells26 (Aug 10, 2010)

Sorry can't help with your question -interested in replies myself.

I have everything crossed for you both. X x


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## dhneil (Mar 28, 2005)

I'm having trouble finding the right words. 

I hope it all turns out OK for you.

Neil


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

Bad news unfortunately. Now just got to wait for nature to take its course. 
Still, the sun came up this morning and we carry on as best we can. 

Thanks for listening.


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## Honor77 (Jan 12, 2011)

So sorry Irish Fella .

Take care


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## Stubborn (Jul 1, 2011)

Very sorry to hear this


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## hellsbells26 (Aug 10, 2010)

So sorry x x


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## Kaz1979 (Apr 11, 2011)

So sorry to hear. Thoughts are with you. Xxx


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## Magicbaby (Jan 11, 2011)

thinking of you both


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## haribo (Apr 12, 2009)

So sorry for you both.


Haribo


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

So sorry  words are pants at times like this, but hope the thoughts and wishes being sent your way help you find some comfort xxx


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## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

I am so sorry *Irish Fella*, I hope you're both as well as you can be and your wife's physical recovery is ok  
I wish words could make more of a difference, just know I'm thinking of you both and am so sorry for your loss xxx


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## luckychance (Jul 2, 2012)

I have just gate crashed on here and have been so moved by this thread and should you read this Irish Fella, I'm thinking of you both   be strong for each other.


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## binky47 (Jul 13, 2012)

Likewise, Irish Fella!  Hang on in there!  I have been so moved by your posts. It is fantastic to see someone posting so eloquently from the male perspective.  My DH is also the strong silent type and it's so easy to forget that he has strong feelings too and its hard for him to watch me get upset. So sorry about what happened to you and your wife.  Life really does suck, sometimes. Hopefully next time will go better for you.   For what its worth, my best friend and I, both married at about the same time, are both trying to get pregnant.  Guess what's the one thing we're not talking about...


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

Hello. Me again. Quiet down the back please... 

Well, we're in the middle of the FET process. Not sure if middle is the right word. 

Injections complete. Oestrogen tablets ingested. Pessaries are being...... pessaried. 

Tomorrow they take our 5 snowballs out of the freezer and give them a warm jacket. All being well, they'll transfer at least 1 and hopefully 2. 

It's late and I can't sleep. My beautiful wife is breathing softly beside me, trying to get rested and ready for the emotional turmoil that's ahead of us for at least the next two weeks. 

As I lay here, something struck me and prompted me to come back on here and share it with you. 

I'm ready. I'm really truly ready. I'm pretty sure I was ready before but I'm more ready now, more serene, more confident about being a father than I've ever felt. And, because of this feeling of confidence and readiness, I'm more worried than ever that the FET won't work. Before, I was worried for how my wife would react. Now I'm feeling selfish, for the first time, about it. 

That's not a bad thing though. It proves to me more how ready I am.  I just really hope the snowballs are ok. 

No chance I'll sleep tonight.


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## The Irish Fella (Apr 25, 2012)

Good news. 2 viable embryos. Not sure how many of the 5 it took to reach the magic number of 2 but I'll ask questions later.

We transfer in an hour. Eek!


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## Totoro (Mar 24, 2011)

Oh wow that's great *Irish Fella!!!* Good luck! Hopefully you'll sleep better tonight  xxx


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble (Oct 19, 2011)

Best of luck Irish  hoping for you both x


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## Taffy68 (Oct 4, 2012)

Good Luck Irish, I hope things work out for you.

Our story is that we are currently on our 3rd attempt at ICSI and the collection was on 23rd September at which point 12 eggs were collected and all 12 fertilised. Transfer was last Friday, 28th September, where 2 embryos were transferred back and 5 are in the freezer. 

On the last 2 attempts, my wife had her period 4/5 days after the transfer, but this time, we are currently on day 6 post transfer and she feels absolutely fine. We actually changed clinics for this attempt and they have undertaken a significant amount of different tests, which were missing with the first clinic.

I know how you feel, from a male perspective. We are more than ready for babies in our lives and as we are further along in the process than ever before, it is hard not to get ever more optimistic, but that also means if we fail again, it will hit us harder that our previous attempts!


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## litecubed (Sep 20, 2012)

Best wishes IF, really hope this works for you.

+1 for your comments on being ready, like Taffy68 I know exactly what you mean in describing this state of mind.

Taffy good luck with yours as well. These waits slow down time to a truly astonishing degree - all you can do is take it a day at a time and both hope.


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## Jen xx (Mar 14, 2011)

Ur post really moved me,I'm wishin u both all the luck in the world,by the sounds of things u are both very lucky to have each other!!I really hope this works out for use xx


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## Kaz1979 (Apr 11, 2011)

Good luck for this cycle. Fingers crossed xxxx


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## Taffy68 (Oct 4, 2012)

Just a quick update.

Today, we undertook a pregnancy test. We know it is quite early to do so, being 14 days after collection, however, we have a positive result. We were so overwhelmed, we tried the test again, but with a different manufacturers testing kit and that too came back positive.

Thursday is our scheduled blood test and we are looking forward to obtaining the results. Hopefully, the next question is whether or not we are expecting 1 or 2 little cariads. 1 would be perfect, twins would be awesome and something we both want!

This is an immense roller coaster ride and at times is quite frightening, particularly when the wife has her down days and I just don't know how or what will cheer her up. I know though, that the emotions, the pain, the ups and downs will be so worth it in the end.
Hang on in there folks, for those of you who are currently in the middle or just about to start the process. It is tough, no doubt about that, but I hope you are all like my wife and I and come out the other end smiling and being ever closer for the experience of trying to bring little bundles of joy in to your respective worlds.

Good Luck / Pob Lwc to you all.


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## mfmcmoo (Jul 16, 2010)

Good luck!


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## melanieb (Feb 12, 2009)

didnt want to read and run!
the very best of luck    i really hope this is your time 
melanieb


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## dhneil (Mar 28, 2005)

The Irish Fella said:


> I'm ready. I'm really truly ready.


Nobody is ever truly ready.

Congrats on the BFP.

Neil


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