# Sleeping arrangements for new arrival = please help!



## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi all

As you know we've just met newbie's foster mum, the meeting went well and we really like her.
Our only slight hiccup at the moment is the "getting to sleep" routine.
Now and for as long as newbie has been in this fosterplacement, she has been left to fall asleep downstairs and carried to her cot when the fosterparents go to bed. That worries me in it's self because our DD goes to bed at 7.30 and I feel for the pecking order to be right, newbie should be put to bed first, before DD. Obviously we are keen to follow on step-for-step of how fosterparents routine goes, so that newbie (hopefully) will easily transist between there and here. 
The other problem is that newbie currently has her cot in fosterparents bedroom. They are advising us to do the same for the first couple of weeks until she's settled, and we are fine about that. Apart from there is no room for the cot to be built in our bedroom. We would literally have to remove furniture to get the cot in ours. 

Has anyone else had these dilemmas about babies' arrival? And is there an alternative option for us to have baby sleeping in our room to start with, without using a cot?

Any advice would be greatfully received!


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi Ever,

Our little girl was 12 months when she came to us and she had always slept in the foster carers bedroom, from their point of view it was because they didnt have the room elsewhere.  We are the same as you and didnt have room to accommodate a cot in our bedroom.

We did everything the same except that and she slept in her own room from the first night, the s/w's warned us we might have some problems but we didnt, the only problem we have now is that I have to rock her to sleep with a bottle of milk before I could put her down as we thought it was too cruel on the first night to just put her in a cot in strange bedroom, she is now 16 months and I have images of doing this when she is 5 ! 

Whatever you decide practicality does have to come into it but I am sure you will be fine after all you are an experienced mummy already!!

Dawnx


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## sundog (Jun 21, 2007)

This probably goes against the conventional advice, but we put LB into a cot in his own room (while he had previously been in with FCs) from the first night. We also adjusted his bedtime routine straightaway as he was used to going to bed for a couple of hours after his tea, then waking and coming downstairs to play until gone 11.30pm! They did this as they said they could not get him back down when he woke, but we felt strongly that this was not good for anyone, least of all LB so did it our way from the first night. The good news is that he took to it like a duck to water and there was never any reason for us to feel that we had done the wrong thing. It was as if he was ready for the change. He has slept through a 13 hour night since the beginning of January, something that there was some doubt over him being able to do.

You have to do what you think is best, but they are very resilient at that age (your LO will only be about 2.5 months older than LB was) and a good sleep routine is what all children really need. There are many other ways that you can give continuity and reassurance on those first nights, such as using their old blankets, familiar soft toys, favourite songs and books etc.

Good luck with what you decide. 

sundog
x


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## TraceyH (Apr 14, 2004)

Hi Ever

Our little one also slept in the foster carers bedroom from birth (he was 19 months old when we bought him home).  He also had a very bizarre bedtime routine which we adhered to whilst doing introductions, including them sleeping with the light on, but we put him in a cot in his own bedroom from day one with the light off.  We only had a couple of weeks where he would wake at 5.30 am and there was no settling him so we decided on the controlled crying routine and it worked a treat.

We too like Dawn rocked him to sleep but there came a point where he became too heavy to then put him in a cot so we changed to giving him his milk whilst he was on our knee and then putting him in his cot awake.  We now take him to his 'big boys' bed after his bath, he has his milk in bed whilst we read him a story, then it is lights off and asleep by 7.30 pm.

Good luck Ever, I am sure you will sort out a routine to fit in with DD.

Tracey x


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hi

Just wanted to add that it may mean you doing as the others have said and putting her in cot in her own room but I would suggest even for a few nights sitting in the room with her. Maybe putting a chair ( if possible) in there and having her resting on you before placing her in the cot.

I had to do this with foster child as he was used to being in same room with parent (same bed mostly ! ) and I spent first week on floor in his room while he settled 

xx


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Ever, 
Lola was in a cot in her FC's room prior to placement and we were told that she was a very poor sleeper, sometimes wouldn't go to sleep, or would wake after an hour or in the night and be awake for hours, FC used to take her downstairs and in the evening there would certainyl have been lots of people around. 
From the beginning we put her in her own room in a cot with the light off to sleep, I have a chair in her room and give her her bottle and read her a story cuddling her in that and initally cuddled her to sleep before her afternoon nap, at night and if she woke during the night (which I must admit I did really enjoy!). Within 3 months she was being put down to sleep in her cot and stays in her cot for 13 hours, playing happily or self soothing back to sleep if she wakes and her sleep pattern seemed to improve almost immediately from what her FC's had said. The biggest step was getting her to sleep herself in the evening as there were some occasions when it took over an hour of me rocking her in a dark room and after 3 months we just bit the bullet and did some controlled crying (4 days and she had it sorted!) when we were happy that she was secure enough to do that. 
Anyway that's what worked for us, I'm sure that you'll find something that will work for you too!
Viva
X


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thanks girls

I think the chair in the nursery is a very good idea. I understand fully that the child needs to feel secure and I'm keen to keep things as "normal" for her as possible when she arrives, but at the same time, don't want to be making a rod for my own back.
I did do some of the controlled crying technique when the dummy was first taken off DD after her arrival, it took 3 days (afternoon naps and evenings) before she soothed herself to sleep without it.
Although she was 20mths old at the time, and could possibly be a bit different for a 9mth old.
We'll have to see when the time comes!!  

But I will certainly bear the chair idea in mind. It sounds like a good compromise.

Thanks


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

gosh i am amazed reading this how many FC's have babies and toddlers  in their bedrooms..i thought it wasnt encouraged 
i suppose wherever new babies cot is going to be its going to be a change for her so you might aswell go the whole hog from the beginning..i would guess that as part of intros she'll be having a daytime nap at yours at some point so she'll start to get used to her new room/cot from then onwards..and hopefully by the time she comes to sleep for the first night she'll be a bit used to it.

as for the 'going to bed' bit i guess its a bit the same, everythings going to be new anyway so you might aswell do it your way from day 1..she is a baby and not going to be quite as aware of changes as a toddler might be...
if you did decide to do the FC's routine with  keeping DD2 downstairs then ( and i'm trying to rememebr how old DD1 is..around 4?) might she be able to understand if you explain it to her that DD2 needs to be up for a bit longer as she's just a baby and needs her bottle a bit later before you put her to bed upstairs (just make it up..DD1 wont know what happens once she's asleep )

kj x


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi Ever

Pinky was also in FCs room but put straight in her own room when she came home to us. Againtold she was a restless sleeper and will cry in lost her dummy. I had visions of being up and down all night putting dummy back in. But she has slept really well from day one, goes to sleep with dummy in but when i pop in to check her prior to me going to be it is usually out and she is fast asleep. I would fully recomed doing your own routine re sleep as this is suchan importent thing to get right from the begining. At 9 months she is young enough to ajust very quickly and easily.

Good Luck

PBMx


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## Lynnm (Mar 7, 2006)

Hi Ever

Like the others, ds slept in cot in fcs bedroom.  From day 1 with us he slept in his cot in his own room and he has been fantastic.  We were told he was a light sleeper and would wake several times during the night, but he really does sleep quite soundly.

Good Luck
Lynn xx


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi all,

I'm sorry to butt in on evers thread bit cheeky I know  but reading a few of your replies you mention 'controlled crying', our dd is nearly 17months and I still have to rock/nurse her to sleep for her daytime and bedtime nap its not much of a problem as she doesnt take long but conscious that I ought to be trying to get her to bed without doing this and she is getting a little heavy!

What is 'controlled crying and how does it work? any tips fully appreciated.

Sorry ever

Thnks

Dawn xx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Dawn

I am going to quote from Jo Frost (Supernanny)'s book here, but I've used it previously and it worked....

"You need a timer and a strong resolve. The first time he cries, you go in, reassure and then leave. Wait five minutes and if he's still crying, go back in and repeat the routine. And then wait 10 minutes and if necessary, then 20. In other words, you double the time each time. Soon you'll have a baby that can soothe himself to sleep without you.
When you go in to say "Sssh", just rest your hand on him, without eye contact and then leave. Do not pick him up or it will lead him to think he's getting out of bed. 
Whether he's in your room or not, it is the consistencyof the technique that makes it work, along with making sure that he's getting lots of love, attention and stimulation during the waking hours. If he is getting all he needs from you during the day, this technique of active ignoring is not neglect."

Phew! They soon get the message, even if they are hoping that you'll give in. The trick is, don't!! Stick to your guns, and they soon settle.

Good luck!


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

keemjay said:


> gosh i am amazed reading this how many FC's have babies and toddlers  in their bedrooms..i thought it wasnt encouraged
> 
> kj x


Its not allowed! Certainly not by LA Carers! Not sure how many of your little ones carers were agency carers?
I am also stunned at the amount of carers are doing this !


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## shivster (Jan 17, 2007)

Our little man was in cot in fc bedroom too! Amazed that so many were! It was a space issue for them too.

When he came we put him in cot in our room as advised and moved half the furniture into what would become his room. He had always been a good sleeper once asleep at fc. So when he started waking in the night we realised we were disturbing him.

Moved him after the 1st 6 weeks. He sleep fine from night one in his own room and has since. We have our bed and each other back (if you know what i mean ) and he is sleeping really well now. All three of us are happy.


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Hi Dawn, 
The technique that Ever described is the one that we tried first too...but...we found that going in upset her far more, in fact she seemed to go from just sounding a bit grouchy and unhappy to getting hysterical when I left again. So, we then made sure that we had the baby monitor on and left her unless she sounded in a real state, the first night she grumbled for an hour, the second for half an hour, the next 2 or 3 nights for 10 minutes and since then a minute or two at most and usual settles immediately. I actually started putting her down first for her afternoon nap and found that she settled much quicker in the afternoon and she was used to that before we took the bull by the horns and started settling her down in the evening.
All the best!
Viva
X


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi ever and viva,

Thanks to you both for your replies both of which were helpful.

We have had a busy day today and got back later than usual, dd fell asleep in the car back home from where we had been, sleeping for about 40minutes.

We had tea late and bath late, I took her to her bedroom and did the usual thing milk and then rocking but she was wide awake, giggling, pointing and pulling my hair (this was about 7pm and my tummy was rumbling), I dont think it helped the late sleep in the car, so I thought right lets just put her in her cot and see what happens,  I took the baby monitor down stairs and we could hear her talking to herself quite happily, ate my spag bol, about 20 minutes later went upstairs to check  because baby monitor was quiet, and she was sound asleep!!

Cant believe it, it might be a fluke but going to go it another a go tonight (still felt a little guilty though dont know why!)

Thanks again

Dawny


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## Viva (May 16, 2005)

Well done Dawn! To go down like that it sounds as if she's really settled and ready for settling herself. Lola used to be exactly the same when she wasn't tired, kissing me, climbing on me and generally fidgeting, I think that's when I thought enough! Now she jst lies quietly in her cot cuddling her little toy cat!
Viva
X


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Ladies and Gents

I am very suprised that alot of your little ones were sleeping in the FC bedroom.


xxx


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Spoken with our sw this morning, and it seems that it's best to do what FC advises, re, where newbie should sleep. 

I am all for letting them think we're doing one thing, and infact doing exactly as we please with _our_ daughter once she's home for good.
Only problem I have, is that FC mentioned that at some point during intro's she'll be bringing newbie and staying with her, which means I can't be pretending to put her to sleep in our room, if there's not a cot in there.
Wondered if I might be able to put something in there temporarily just for the sake of the intro's and infact put her straight in her own room once home.
 Looked at travel cots ?? My logic is that we'd use the travel cot for the intros for the afternoon naps, whilst FC was about, and then it wouldn't be a waste of money in the long run because we'd use it on holidays and as an occasional playpen.

Any thoughts on this please?


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

I think thats a good idea to get a travel cot. You could always put the cot in your room for when the FC is staying and then move it when she has gone 

Is is normal for the FC to come over and stay ? I dont think I would do with any of my foster placements but guess they know best 
x


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## dawny36 (Mar 28, 2007)

Hi ever,

It does seem unusual that f/c is coming over to stay.

When we did our intros the whole foster family came over stopped for a coffee let her settle with some toys then left us too it, my dh then dropped her back off in the evening.

I suppose each intros plan is different depending on the childs needs?

Dawn

xx

ps. travel cot sounds like the best solution to me


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hiya

Just to clarify, I didn't mean FC will "stay over" meaning overnight, I just meant that she'd said one day she will bring newbie and stay a while and maybe take her home again after the contact or if all is well, we might be able to take her back in our car.
I was thinking if newbie's naptime falls whilst they are both in our house, and FC sees that cot is still in spare bedroom, when she visits the bathroom etc, she might ask if we have another cot set up in our room.
We'll have to wait and see.

I think a travel cot is the most, and only sensible solution, even if it's to just keep up appearances!!


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i'm glad you clarified that FC isnt staying the night..i was thinking that was a bit weird!

if it were me i would put cot in new babys bedroom and say theres only room in your room for a travel cot and seeing as after a while you will attempt to move her to her own room its too much faffing to be moving a cot from one room to the next (which is in fact the truth, taking cots up and down isnt the easist thing in the world and OBVIOUSLY you will need to be spending as much time as you can bonding with your new DD  ) set up the travel cot in your room so its there for anyone to see..then do whatever you want!!!
ask around your friends to see if anyones got a spare travel cot..in my experience most people have one hanging about they'd be happy to loan...

kjx


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Ever

If you lived near me i have a wooden playpen/travel cot which i used for one of our nieces when she was little and i would happily lend it to you

Here is a pink travel cot from mothercare (you can get 10% off online orders with code AF8 and free del over £150 spend-before discount)
http://www.mothercare.com/gp/product/B0011KHHBS/sr=1-3/qid=1206102862/ref=sr_1_3/026-1409971-4820447?ie=UTF8&m=A2LBKNDJ2KZUGQ&n=44360031&mcb=core

or Argos do the travel cots from £30 ish (they have a WTP one half price at the mo for £34.99)

http://www.argos.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Search?pp=20&s=Price%3A+Low+-+High&storeId=10001&catalogId=1500001001&langId=-1&q=TRAVEL+COT&x=22&y=10

Mez
xxx

/links


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Thank you!!
I am going to drag Daddy along this weekend to Mothercare and Babies R Us for a nosey at them  
He pretends to not want to, and then his little face lights up like a christmas tree!!!!!!

It was very dangerous this morning, I let him go into town on his own  , and he surprised me with his restraint, he only came home with 2 things from early learning centre!!

No, in all seriousness, I will go and view a few travel cots and then I'll get a better idea of what will be suitable.
Thanks again

Ever x


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## magenta (Nov 2, 2004)

Suzie said:


> keemjay said:
> 
> 
> > gosh i am amazed reading this how many FC's have babies and toddlers  in their bedrooms..i thought it wasnt encouraged
> ...


Our FC were 'baby Foster carers' and have baby in their room as per SIDS guidelines. They only had DD at 18months because sw were unable to find a family for her and didn't want to move her unneccesarily befroe adoption placement. However she moved into her own room at our house from first day of visiting with no problems at all.


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