# Can feel the old depression creeping in again as we ttc no2... :(



## Bahhumbug

Hi all

Please forgive me in advance if this comes out wrong or causes offence - i hope I'm posting in the right place for 'hoping for another miracle'. It's the middle of the night,too,so who knows how this will come out!

We ttc for 5 years before having our amazing little boy last otober from our final FET. He sure is a handful but we adore him.

This site was a lifeline for me at that time and I'll never forget the support I received - thank you.

We have now started to try for a sibling and I am struggling (again). As I type I have the worst period pains an di expect it to all start again in the morning. With this much pain it can't be as simple as just 'unexplained' as we were told last time before we struck gold with our son. I have already been to the doctors, more to get it on my notes that we have started trying than anything else, and have been told that they'd take us seriously again after only 6 months, so I am pleased about that - a couple of months to go, although I may go back. I also suspect a possible literal phase defect as I think I ovulated on day 19 this cycle (?). Would need to look into this further though.

Regardless of any of this I can just feel the same old feelings creeping back in...big time bump envy and wanting to avoid a couple of friends I know have imminent pregnancy announcements, plus already feeling sad about the fact my lovely nct group will be onto thei next children soon enough and I'll be left out all over again. I definitely look back at pregnancy - and even birth - with rose-tinted glasses and would so love to do it all again. I am shocked and astounded that my wonderful little boy in the next room hasn't helped these feelings to abate - I read on another post in this section that someone said they almost felt the pain of ttc a second child worst than the first, and although I would never have thought that possible I think I understand it now.

My husband is struggling to support me and in his less patient moments says I will never be happy...this is rathet blunt but I know what he means and that when he says it it comes from a place of exasperation with me and not meanness. I don't know how to talk to anyone else about this for similar reasons as even just reading this through now it sounds like such a geeedy thing to think.

I don't think we would have any more treatment, btw, but I wouldn't like to rule it out. I just hope against hope it doesn't come to that again, not least because I expect I've used up all my goodwill at work for getting any time off for appointments etc, and I'm not sure I could take my son to clinic appointments without feeling too awkward for those waiting for their first miracle.

I'm almost willing my son to wake up for a feed now so I can give him a cuddle - so I really must be going mad haha!

Anyway, thanks for reading and hoping to find some support or advice on here. Sincerely sorry for anyone who finds themselves in a similar position - xxx


----------



## ~Sapphire~

I am sorry you are feeling that way.

Having a baby absolutely does not make the pain of fertility problems disappear.  I always thought that when I had my baby I would be better and if I was lucky again that would just be a wonderful bonus.  I was definitely wrong - I was every bit as desperate for my second child as I had been for my first.  It did make me feel greedy and guilty, like my first child was not enough for me but I think the real desperation comes from again knowing that it might never happen and you get to see others making the choice for more children and achieving it, seemingly easily.  When one cycle failed, I remember saying to a nurse at the clinic that I didn't know why I was crying so much because I had already been so lucky; she just said it is because you already know how amazing it is when it works.

I am not sure I have any advice for you because I don't think anything anyone says will make you feel any different but I know it is helpful sometimes for people to just validate how you are feeling.

Take care and, whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck.

S xx


----------



## Bahhumbug

Thank you so much for replying. You are right-validation is really important. I appreciated your kindness this morning xx


----------



## Bahhumbug

Hi
An update:
It turns out it wasn't a period after all and we did in fact, miraculously, manage a positive pregnancy which, unfortunately, we lost overnight. 
There is of course some - perhaps much - comfort in this success against all of the odds, but the loss hurts deep nonetheless as well as physically today. 
The little brother or sister for our miracle boy wasn't to be this time. Looking forward whilst also remembering and holding each other close xx


----------



## aliced

Hello,
So sorry for your loss but I'm glad you've got some comfort from it.
I feel exactly how you both describe. I feel so greedy for wanting another. My daughter is my miracle and my world but as she was about to turn one all my old feelings resurfaced and I feel really guilty about as I know we are so incredibly lucky to have her.


----------



## Max 2012

Hello

Yes we are feeling the same too. We just expected that we would have no trouble conceiving a sibling as we had 12 frozen embryos.  We never dreamed that we would be in this position now where our son has now turned 5 and we have no brother or sister for him. And it hurts like mad when he comes home from school and says " I wish I had a baby sister". We have recently decided that we are not going to continue with further treatment. Its been a really tough decision to make and one that im not sure if either of us believes its the right one. And one I keep changing my mind on to the point that its all I can think about.  But we don't want to spend all our money chasing after something that we don't have instead of enjoying the life with the son that we do have. I want to look back and say we had a great life and have happy memories.  Not ones of sadness and heartache and having no money for family holidays as its always spent on fertility treatment.  

But then as further pregnancy announcements pop up we find ourselves still being tormented over our decision.  I don't think this will ever go away, but will just get easier to accept and live life with as time goes on. 

And i feel exactly the same when you say that you feel guilty for moaning about a sibling when we are so lucky to have our children. But it is hard to accept it not working again especially when it has already worked in the past.

Xx


----------



## Bahhumbug

Hi Alice and Max

Please forgive my late reply. 
I am so sorry to read that you find yourselves in the same boat. It must be awful having your little boy mentioning it / asking - if only he knew how painful it is to hear it, poor chap.
I hope and pray you both have wisdom and clarity about what to do next, if anything. 
For our part we are going to keep trying naturally but I am sceptical we could have that much luck again. Maybe that is just me trying to protect my heart. My son has been really difficult this week and the pregnancy hormones are coming out of my system so it's. even a tough few days, but we will get there. 
Love to you both and thanks for getting in touch xx


----------



## teammonkey

Morning everyone,
It is a bitter sweet finding this post, as it is horrid knowing others feels the yearning I feel, and sad others have suffered failed cycles and miscarriages after successfully have a child through treatment.But at the same time, it is also nice to know I am not alone in this need. 

I too believed once I had my child I would just be happy and not want more, but as you have all said the need is there again, for a while we were able to be normal, just like our NCT friends, doing all the parenting stuff, maternity leave, baby groups, then as they grow everyone starts talking about babies! Naievely even though we only had 1 frostie, it was the same grading as the only other blast we got on our 1 and only fresh cycle which resulting in my son, so we hoped we could be lucky again, even though I did have major doubts! We did get pregnant in February but sadly I miscarried, which at the time I remember feeling the lowest I had ever felt, but looking back I think this is hugely due to knowing we cannot get pregnant again easily, and secondly we know what the pregnancy stages are, and the excitement, the first scan, getting to each milestone, then the birth and bonding. Which i yearn for so much. 
We are going back in for a fresh cycle this month, I am putting everything into this, and just praying this is our time, as others have said I want to live life how we were before, I want to spend our money on holidays, and enjoy wine again, and not have all my clothes be tight from he drugs/miscarriage, now back on more drugs in less than 3 weeks. But how long we will do this, I dont know right now. 

Heres hoping we are lucky enough to achieve our second miracle! My LO is 2 this month, and I don't know how that has happened, time is flying by, and I so want for him to have a sibling, I too am dreading the day he asks about a sibling. 

Big hugs to you all xx


----------



## Molly78

I m also doing what my DH says is our last cycle in June. I've had 3 failed transfers since my boy. I m also trying to put everything into this but I feel like I need a plan B... I really want my son to have a sibling and have started to think about adoption if this doesn't work but I m really not sure about that route. Let's hope our luck changes. Two of my best friends are pregnant which makes it harder. However, each time I m feeling low I count my blessings that I have my son xx


----------



## teammonkey

Molly friends getting pregnant is so hard! I get annoyed when friends talk about it so flippantly like it's so easy! Others who haven't experienced infertility just do not get it.. fx you don't have to consider another route! But adoption is a great plan B! For me, I feel I'd have this cycle, then any Frosties, but if it didn't happen think we would just stop and be happy with our 1 miracle! Fx we all are lucky this time xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Bahhumbug

Teammonkey
SO hoping it works out for you with the new clinic.
Stay in touch xx


----------



## teammonkey

Hi Bahhumbug,
Thank you so much, I'm so hoping too. I really hope you find a way to your miracle too xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Bahhumbug

Hello all
A very tentative update... quite miraculously we have found out that we are pregnant again...it's very early days but I'm feelin pants and taking that as a good sign. Won't be able to relax or let my thoughts go in that direction until I've seen a heartbeat, though. Focusing on my son and trying to divert my attention, whilst feeling very, very fortunate and humbled.
Not sure why us.
Love and kindness to all and hoping that this news might bring some comfort as reading suchlike has to me so many times in the past from some of you guys.
Xx


----------



## aliced

Wow a big congratulations. How far along are you?


----------



## Bahhumbug

Thbks very much, Alice! About 7 weeks now but have t had an appointment yet. Might request an early scan as don't want to get too attached.
How are you? X


----------



## Hannah01

Hi, I know the feeling when you little one growing older and with no sibling to play with. It sometimes seems like chasing a dead end. Hope things will change for better for us all…


----------



## teammonkey

omg this is so amazing, I am keeping my fx that this works out for you! Please keep in touch xx


----------



## Bahhumbug

Thank you team monkey. We are in total disbelief too. Haven't been able to get an early scan so just waiting it out and trying to think about other things - luckily my son is 100mph so he keeps me busy. 

How are you? X


----------



## teammonkey

Thats good that you are busy, does help doesnt it! Will you be waiting until 12 weeks? Oh I would be climbing the walls   Must be such a shock, I cant even imagine that ever happening, it must be a good feeling, so pleased for you x
I am ok, on day 22 of DR now, and so flipping tired! But I have my baseline scan tomorrow, and fx I start stims on Thursday, my clinic only start on a Thursday for some reason! Just hoping this is our time, as after a FET, pregnancy and miscarriage, then a fresh cycle, I am wiped out, and need to feel this was all for something, yet I cannot help feel it will not happen for us. But fx by July I will be surprised and pregnant!


----------



## aliced

Sorry I didn't realise anybody was commenting.
Just to update you that I'm expecting number 2. We are saving up for private treatment and thought we better have a good try first and fell pregnant. My first ever natural pregnancy after 7 years. Stll in a happy shock about it all. I hope this doesn't upset anyone because honestly I know how it feels and I never ever thought it would happen for us. I really wanted my DD to have a sibling but never thought it would happen.


----------



## teammonkey

Aliced I am so happy for you! Literally my one dream I wish I could have, always think about how amazing it must feel like to  get pregnant naturally, amazing! I am pregnant through our recent ivf cycle, feeling very sick but grateful to be here, as our cycle went badly and at day 4 it looked like a transfer wouldn't even happen but luckily 2 caught up a bit and here I am! How far along are you?


----------



## aissha

teammonkey, I remember you from the FET back in Feb, just wanted to say I am absolutely delighted to see you got your BFP


----------



## teammonkey

Ahh thanks aissha! It's been a tough year! Just hoping this 1 or 2 stick!! How are you hun? X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aissha

how many weeks are you now? I will have fingers and toes crossed for you that this it is all plain sailing for the next 30-something weeks   

afm, I read this post as the old depression is well and truly here with me. I did back to back FET's starting the first one at the same time as you were, but the thawing was appalling, in the end although I had 3 transfers, only 1 out of 4 transferred (out of 6 thawed) was even close to what would be expected for a Day4 transfer... so I really went into a pit of wallowing despair, I had said to myself that if it didn't work from 6 frosties, then we would draw a line under it and be grateful for what we have. But.... I felt robbed of the chance, because really only 1 out of 6 had a chance... so we shifted the goalposts and I am doing OI (couldn't face a fresh cycle - although in hindsight it would probably have been less stressful than the OI) and will stop in Sept when I turn 41. I am blessed with what I have and I have to just find a point where I can stop and live my life, if you know what I mean... the first oi cycle was 7 weeks long as they painfully slowly increased the dose, got AF 5 days early also because they insisted that I could naturally support the luteal phase, clearly not  . So I am now on my second cycle, have already been stimming for 2 weeks with no progress as they are slowly building up from a low dose again... hopefully I am on the right dose now and will have a scan tomorrow to see if there is any progress. fingers crossed... Sorry that was quite a ramble for a response to how are you


----------



## teammonkey

Ahh thank you! I'm very worried! I think it's natural after what happened last time, these early days are so uncertain! I'm 6+1 scan a week today. 

Sounds like you've had a tough time! Big hugs!! If I'm honest I'm not a fan of frozen cycles, I've only had 1 but hated how I felt, it didn't work, feel a fresh cycle is better! Never done OI is it less intense than ivf? I'm praying you have some luck! I honestly think luck has a lot to do with it! I'm at that stage now where if this doesn't work I think I'll just accept I'm not destined to have more than 1 and move on as this is so draining emotionally isn't it? Xx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aissha

I can completely understand what you mean, it must be terrifying, after the last time. It will be just a series of waits, until the first scan, until the next, until the first trimester is over, until you feel the kicks. Enjoy the nausea, it is the weirdest thing to be happy about but it is a good sign, and try to take it as easy as possible.

For me I always had good FET's. My first BFP was from a frozen and I think I had 8 frosties all except maybe 1 or 2 thawed nicely and ok they were bfn, but I also had lining issues then also...

the OI (ovulation induction) is what a lot of people do with Clomid, but because of my condition, I have to do it like a low dose fresh IVF cycle, so I have been on Menopur injections. So the first cycle I was injecting every night for 5 weeks  which was so not fun... if I had done a fresh, I would have just done a high dose, 2 weeks and then I would have had either enough for a transfer or not. This way they are being so cautious not to over stim me, that I started off on half an ampule of menopur for a week, then a full ampule for a week, and not a flicker of activity...

that's exactly it (emotionally draining). I don't think my DH can get it at all, it is soo all consuming, your thoughts are just constantly on it... I have actually seen a counsellor and plan to go back in September once I have finished the cycles, just to get my head straight. It has been messing me up for months now, so I think when I cross that line, I will need some help to accept.

keep me posted on how things are going      

(and sorry to the others on this post for hogging it  )


----------



## aliced

A big congratulations teammonkey, how are you feeling?
I honestly didn't think falling naturally would ever happen to us which is why we started saving for private ivf. I was sick of people telling me you will fall naturally after I had my dd. I remember the health visitor lecturing me on contraception and I just smiled and nodded away but thinking there's no chance so I won't bother.im 11 weeks now just 1 week till the scan. 
Sorry Aissha I can't comment on frozen transfer as I never produced enough embryos to freeze.good luck with it I hope it all goes well.


----------



## Bahhumbug

Hello Aaisha 
Not hogging at all and lovely to read how you are getting on. Please keep us posted about the scan results tomorrow - fingers and toes crossed for you.

And amazing news, AliceD!!! Hugest of congratulations. I bet you can hardly let yourself believe it. I'm so thrilled for you xx


----------



## aissha

Thanks bahhumbug  
Although I am a little sceptical about the number,  she measured my lining at 7mm this morning at the scan.... and a single dominant follie on the left of 12mm... finally some progress ... 

Wow Aliced that is amazing, I had to laugh at your saying you were smiling and nodding at the contraception conversation   I was the same   But without the same result alas... it is so wonderful that it does really happen in real life


----------



## Bahhumbug

Sounds promising, Aissha... how are you feeling now?


----------



## teammonkey

Aliced thank you so much! Today the tiredness kicked in & I've been a bit nauseous on and off. Seriously worried about our first scan, the usual panic there will be no baby or heartbeat. Fx it's all ok! Oh I remember health Visitor saying the same! Seriously! So pleased for you though! How are you feeling? How far along are you now? X

Aissha how's it going? X


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aissha

I am a ball of nerves now... over the weekend my DS decided to dive across me in bed in the morning and with the worst luck in the world he elbowed me exactly in my left ovary    I know exactly where it is as they always spend ages trying to find it from inside - and in fact have found it easier from scanning from my tummy... so I am just freaked that he has somehow burst the follie and the scan is going to be showing nothing....

I will update later...

just a couple of more days, teammonkey, until your scan... take the nausea as a good sign


----------



## aissha

So the scan this morning was ok/good... she measured the lining and I am sure it said 1.05cm    like 10mm   but yet she wrote down in my file 8mm   

on the left my dominant follie seems now to be 17-18mm but there also appears to be a 14mm on the right  

so triggering this evening most likely and have begged and pleaded for progesterone support, but not very hopeful after she said 10 day luteal phase is "not so short"   

Can't hardly believe that this cycle is progressing.... it has dragged on soo long...


----------



## aliced

Thank you bahumbug and you're right I still don't believe it. How are you doing?
Aissha I have everything crossed for you I only had 1 dominant follicle on my successful cycle. 
Team monkey I am the same I have my scan in the morning and I sort of don't want it in case there is something wrong I want to live is blissful ignorance. I was the total opposite with my dd I had loads of scns before 12 weeks. I'm 12 weeks now. How far along are you?


----------



## Bahhumbug

Hi Alice
I'm ok thanks for  asking. Never known tiredness like this, though, compounded of course by loooking after my son - a 'high-needs baby' according to the HV (aren't all babies high needs?!). Thank goodness my husband is around at the moment and so we are alternating the mornings a little (yes, I know how lucky I am 😜). Sickness has eased a little but still catches me unawares first thing or more often in the evening. 
I already don't feel like I'm giving this little munchkin anywhere near enough attention or thought - arghh, life gets in the way!

How aren't you this evening? X


----------



## aliced

Bahumbug I'm the same thinkng I don't seem to think or be as anxious this time around, poor baby. 
I had my 12 week scan today so amazing and as crazy as it sounds I can't believe there's a baby there wiggling away. I felt very emotional. 
I'm still feeling sick on a night it comes before bedtime.


----------



## teammonkey

Hi ladies,
Aissha so pleased everything is going in the right direction! Fx for you xx

Aliced I'll be 7+1 tomorrow. How did your scan go? I'm getting symptoms and all that but still panicking something will be wrong! Not even thinking about if it's twins or not I just want 1 healthy baby! Hoping everything went well for you! X




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aliced

The scan went well thanks for asking, everything looked normal so far it was a relief.
How are you feeling team monkey?
I hope everything is still going well Aissha x


----------



## teammonkey

Sorry for the late reply! 
Aliced so I am feeling fat, sick and fed up   I am so grateful to be pregnant, but I am someone who is very conscious about their weight, and with son and this pregnancy I seem to just be starving, feel sick if I don't eat, so I am eating all the time, so am looking fat and nothing fits. How are you doing Aliced?

Aissha hows things going?


----------



## aissha

Hey Teammonkey, Aliced,

Alas it was a BFN for me. And really this has to be the end of the road for me. I am struggling now (hence still on here, when I should be weaning myself off all things fertility related)   

feeling fat and sick sounds blissful to me now,   enjoy it if you can. Try not to worry about your weight, you can always deal with it after  

best of luck and   to you both


----------



## teammonkey

Aissha I am so sorry, but completely understand you closing the door on this now, I have said if this doesnt work out for any reason I am done, I just cant put myself through it when I have the most amazing son at home who I adore, I cannot keep pouring money into treatment and emotionally it is too hard and me and hubby are not as close with the stress and fear of sex lol! So I do get your decision. Wishing you all the best, and hope you can begin to accept your decision and move on xx


----------



## aliced

Teammonkey Snap!!!! Feeling fat and bloated eating to stop feeling sick and then feel more fat and bloated. I keep saying to DH that I'm not moaning just telling him how I feel as I don't feel I can ever be allowed to moan after all we've been through. 
Aissha big huge hugs coming your way lovely I'm really sorry to hear about your bfn. It's not fair I hope you're being kind to yourself.  X


----------



## Bahhumbug

Aissha, I'm so, so sorry xxxxxx


----------

