# How to get on with a reluctant partner?



## billy69 (Nov 5, 2007)

I presume there are many other people in a similar situation, although maybe it is more often the other way around.

I'm very keen on adoption, my wife less so. We have collected a lot of info from LA, adopter friends etc, joined Adoption UK, but as she hasn't made up her mind yet, we keep postponing applying. She continuously oscillates between yes, no and maybe later. 

I understand her - she has an interesting life without kids, there are risks, and in addition she has a bad relationship with her own mother which probably makes her very scared of being rejected by adoptive kids. On my side, I can offer support - I will take at least 4 months adoption leave, and then work 50% from home so that I can do most of the childcare. I don't want to force her as it only makes sense to adopt if we are both 100% convinced, so are there ways to motivate her without making pressure because as soon as I push a bit too much, she reacts saying that it will be quicker for me to adopt if I divorce her, and we are back to square 1. Keep in mind that I am the infertile one, she has been supportive so I can't blame her, in a way I can't ask too much....

But I'd also like to be a father before being 40!

B


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## ClaryRose (Jan 26, 2006)

Hi Billy

I am sorry you find yourself in such a difficult position.  Adoption is a big step like many other options we are faced with when naturally conceived children elude us.  

Have you been to an open evening? or invited a Social worker to visit you at home to discuss your ideas in more depth?  That way you know what you are dealing with and what will be required.  It is a long process and you will need to have relevant experience of childcare and show evidence of this, for one so Social worker tend to suggest you volunteer at playgroups, scouts etc to gain this if not already experienced.  The open evening offers the opportunity to hear all about adoption, the process, the types of children available and lots of other issues many potential adopters may face.    It is also an opportunity to ask questions and talk to other couples/people who are considering this option. You can also request the home visit for a more indepth chat. 

I wonder if your wife has something in particular she is concerned about ?  Social workers will need to know you are both totally committed as, rightly so, they work on behalf of the child(ren) and many of these children will have been through foster homes and moved many times so Social workers cannot risk adoption breakdown, where the children are moved yet again.  Is you wife concerned about her relationship with her mother affecting the decision.  This will be something Social workers will explore and want her to explore too.  The process therefore can be very therapeutic or very painful dependent upon where you are starting from.  

I would suggest the open evening will move you both onto the next level, one way or the other.

I hope you find some sort of resolution.  Have you thought about sperm donation?

CR


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## billy69 (Nov 5, 2007)

Thanks. We'll definitely need to think/discuss more about it - I see you are thinking yourself! That's probably where all the energy of infertile people goes into, instead of healthy gametes: thinking.

It is probably not a matter of needed information anymore for us - we have been to the LA information meeting, spoken to SW, read books after books, and even one of my wife's friends is an adoption SW and I know my wife keeps asking her questions (at least she is curious...)! Childcare experience shouldn't be a big issue as we are both teachers and have probably more childcare experience than most childless couples. Maybe it would help to do something together, to see how we enjoy looking after a child as a shared life. My wife once suggested fostering, I dismissed the idea but maybe there's a point. The problem is more a matter of feelings than rational arguments, hence my lack of ideas (I must be better at rational arguments).

We're really not keen on donation, on moral, psychological, family and pracrical grounds. At least this is something we don't disagree on. But who knows, sometimes people change their mind - and we understand those who choose that option.

B


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## ClaryRose (Jan 26, 2006)

I have to say I think fostering is more honest than adoption as no one is pretending to be anything they are not.  Also, you are in control of who you foster, with more background information and how long they stay.  Once adopted, that's it!  Does that sound cold?  Not meaning to, at all. 

I think the key is trying to find out why your DW thinks you would stand a better chance of adopting on your own. It would be really interesting to find out what your DW real issue is with adoption an why she feels she may not get through the process as easily as you? maybe? what she is worried about.

I am a university lecturer - hmm - maybe the key to fertility is not to think so much!  That's where I have gone wrong............    Oh, and I was adopted


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## ClaryRose (Jan 26, 2006)

Ps - I had  fantastic adoptive parents (now deceased) and adoptive family (now mostly deceased) and maybe this is why I too have issues with donation and openness.  I grew up always knowing I was adopted (as children are now) and honesty is most definitely the best policy.  Our experience of adoption these days is total openness about having another mum and dad and in many cases, correspondence and contact.  I have doubts that maybe the pendulum has swung a bit too far.  Not a road we will travel despite much preferring to look after a child who is already here and in need of a safe and loving family rather than creating one who may have issues about identity.  Oh it's so complicated isn't it!


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Hi Billy69

Welcome to the adoption threads.

We spent from Jan 04 until dec 06 talking about adoption and reading about it- getting info packs and during this time we didnt both say "yes" at the same time to stopping ttc and moving to adoption 

I dont have the best of relationships with my mother however i see this as a positive as all neg things can be turned positive with adoption. (to show that you understnad certain issues and feelings)

Personally for us fostering is a no go as we couldnt face the thought of having to hand back children and also having to pick the picecs up each time the birth parents let the child down.

Claryrose- i dont think you  sound cold in what you saod however i just feel your a little mis-informed of how adoption and fostering works now -I would disagree with you over fostering being more honest compared to adoption- yes you do get to say what ages/type of children you could deal with however you are the ones picking up the pieces and having birth parents/family in your lives (and home at times) and also you may only get a call in the morning about a child and them be in your home by that night with nothing more then the clothes they stand up in and you will have very limited information to start off with. with adoption you get to say what ages, gender, amounts and typer of children you could parent. you get to read about the child, see photos,meet their social worker, ask questions and the matching process involves alot of people and you got to matching panel who have to agree that this is a good match (and then a decision maker signs this off who is head of childrens services)where as when you foster you take on children  for the ages/needs you are approved for (there are differant levels of approvals for foster careers)

good luck

M J
xxx


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

MJ think you summed up fostering quite well  except for the fact that even if you are approved for a certain age you often end up with what you arent approved for 

x

p.s saying that I wouldnt change a thing


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

Suzie said:


> MJ think you summed up fostering quite well  except for the fact that even if you are approved for a certain age you often end up with what you arent approved for
> 
> x
> 
> p.s saying that I wouldnt change a thing


See how much i do listern to what you say (i was using you as an example ............incase you didnt guess)

Glad i did sum is up well
xxx


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## HHH (Nov 13, 2004)

Hi Billy

In my experience the best thing was getting DH - who was the reluctant one - involved with children. Some way into the process he spent a day in a sure start nursery and was completely smitten. His hands on experiences with the children helped him to make up his mind that this is what he wanted and was prepared to give up on the cushy, having time and money life to have a family.

Good luck - i know it's a difficult time
HHH


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## everhopeful (Feb 19, 2004)

Hi Billy

It was my dh who was infertile and had already come to terms with not having a biological child well before we started IVF. It was me who was reluctant and needing a lot of time and pursuation to even think about adopting. I knew in my head that I would never conceive (my this time I was deemed infertile too) but my heart couldn't let it go. To me, it was like, giving up.

Someone said to me "Can you see yourselves living the rest of your lives without any children or grandchildren?" And the firm and clear answer was obviously no. It was then that I realised that I had to take those steps forward and be brave. And since then, I've not looked back.
I have also had a difficult and somewhat love-less relationship as a child with my mother, and have managed to turn it into a positive by making sure it will never happen between me and my children. 

I honestly think it just takes a bit of time and reassurance. She needs to have the confidence within her to take this step.

Good luck to both of you

x


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## Spaykay (Nov 29, 2006)

My DH was very reluctant Billy and even told me he wouldn't adopt (which upset me greatly as I knew that I would have to leave him if it ever came to that..I want kids that much!). However, having gone through a lot of treatment and him beginning to understand how much pain I am going through he has finally come round. He needed time, he needed no pressure and he needed to know how much it really meant to me and that I couldn't stay sane carrying on the way we were. 

It's very difficult having differeing opinions and hurts a lot. I hope you can stay strong and that DW begins to see how adoption may give you both the future that you wish for.    

Kay xxx


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