# Cant believe they have to contact an ex partner.



## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Hi,
I rang an adoption agency on Friday as you had to have a 20 min phone interview before they could send you information and apparently the law has changed and they have to contact ex partners?? i am gutted, my relationship with my ex ended very badly, he turned into a pyscho, threatening all sorts and putting blood stained suicide notes though my mums front door, got to the stage of a restraining order but fortunately he was caught drink driving and was locked up for a few months.  I think he is up North now.
How do they trace him?

Julia x


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## sanita (Oct 27, 2005)

Hello Julia

There seems to be different rules about contacting ex partners.  My agency only contact ex husbands or wives or ex partners that you have parented with.  Some others do seem interested in contacting any ex long term partners.  With regard to tracing them, they expect you to help them to do that.  If tracing is not possible they expect you to have shown willing and tried to trace.  It might be worth clarifying what they regard as an ex before you get too woried about it.

Sanita


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Hi Sanita

I made it very clear that me and ex never married or had children together, but she said as i lived with him for 13 years, they would still have to contact him.  She did think it would be better if he was untraceable but they cant change the rules......

Julia x


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Julia

I think the most likely outcome is that if you give them an address and they write but he doesn't reply they will leave it at that.  They have to show that they have tried to comply with the regulations but most authorities don't have the resources to chase too hard.

Cindy


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## Charliegirl (Apr 9, 2004)

Hi there,

We're just about to go to panel and when we first got in touch with our LA they did say they'd have to get in touch with my ex, which I wasn't looking forward to. They said they'd need his address and would contact him and ask him basically if he had any concerns about us adopting. They did say though that they understand that exes are exes for a reason and that they are careful to decipher what are real concerns from the ex and what is an ex just trying to be spiteful, which made me feel better. I even went to the trouble of phoning his old mobile number to get his address and he answered!! It wasn't nice at all but he did give me his address....THEN...I spoke to our SW at prep groups (September 06) and told her I'd contacted him and guess what?! She said the rules had changed and they didn't have to contact him after all!!!

Of course I was relieved but all I'm saying really is just double-check with your LA if it really is a requirement. Maybe it was just my LA, but I would have thought if they have to do it, they have to do it, no matter which LA you're with.

Anyway, as I said, we're going to panel soon, all checks have been done and they definitely haven't contacted my ex.

Hope that helps.

Charlie. x


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## GuitarAngel1979 (Sep 8, 2005)

Are they wanted to contact ex partners if you had children with them? I find it odd that they would want to contact my husband's ex wife if they didn't have children together.....

Can anyone clear this for me?


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Thanks ladies for the replies, i got dh to ring the sw back and apparently there has been a case where a couple adopted a child and then the womans ex turned up and murdered them all  and thats why they have to check  i havent even got an address for my ex, i know his mums address so i suppose i will just give them that,i think hes in Yorkshire somewhere, probably in a mental instutition!

Julia x


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## jilldill (Feb 2, 2006)

I think the rule on this changed because a couple adopted a child and the adoptive father murdered the child. When it went to court his ex wife said if you had come to me first I would have told you he was a violent man. They need to see that you have made evry effort to contact an ex spouse or ex of several years. We had to write a list of everything we had done to find an ex spouse and that was accepted by panel. This is a difficult area and has come up here several times it was something that upset me alot it is just another one of those hurdles we have to get through.
JD x


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## KarenM (Jul 30, 2002)

Hi Coxy

Welcome. We have had some discussions in the past on this as we all had the same reaction as you.

Here's the link and I hope it helps. Good luck

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=68427.0

Karen x


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Hi Karen
Thanks for the link, it makes me bearable knowing that other agencies are the same, but i am still dreading what the ex will say, what happens if he wants to be nasty and make up stories about me? is it his word against mine?

Julia x


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## claudia6662 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hi Coxy, i can completley agree with what you are saying, my partners ex is a very tough cookie. She is very manipulative and she made his life hell.  I can understand that sw needs to get a bigger picture of you but when the relationship is turbulent and rocky , (even called her pregnant daughter a **** and threw a glass at her) i dont think they should contact the ex. Why should we , two descent human beings , that both work hard for a living, that cant have their own child be put under so much pressure. And for someone that dosnt contribute to society , sits on her backside all day, gets benefits, is bankrupt ,  has her house paid for is allowed to have a say in it . 
Thats where its wrong, that we are made to feel this way. 
But i know in my heart of hearts that the social worker will see the biggest picture and that as a couple we are more stronger and willing than ever to go ahead with whatever hurdles that may appear.

Sorry for the big rant , i hope it has worked out for you xxxx


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