# a question for adoptive mummies



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

hope its ok to ask this here

I know we're not approved yet, but positive thinking and all that 

I've ben wondering this for a while but for some reason its niggling me today...from things I've read and from stuff we learned on the prep course I'm very aware about protecting an adoptive childs privacy over their adoption story and that you dont go bleating it to all and sundry. But what about the simple fact that they ARE adopted? my friend adopted her son as a baby and so many friends she has now just think he is her natural child and she doesnt tell them otherwise..her son is only 3 so only just beginning to understanding his story but still isnt old enough to be able to vocalise it properly..her point of view is that its his info to tell and if he wants to tell his little friends in a couple of years time that he's adopted then thats fine, she doesnt feel that she needs to interfere with who knows and who doesnt. I think this is a quite rational approach and having discussed it with our sw so does she. maybe its being too over-protective? 
so what I am thinking over is, what do you say to other people/their children when you suddenly 'aquire' a child? obviously children are going to ask questions..we have a lot of friends with children and i know they will ask...so whats the answer to their questions if you are trying to protect your child rights to privacy over their adpotion? Is it right or wrong to say that they are adopted ?(in age approprite simple terms..) if you say they are adopted then you are telling them something that your child in the future might not want them to know..but on the other hand if you dont say the truth then you are kind of lying 
this is all a bit muddly, hope you get the gist of it, would welcome comments from people who've got their little ones and been there read the bk etc..

kj x


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## ♥ M J ♥ (Apr 17, 2004)

fab question kim

this has been something i have been thinking about for a while now as evern thought my side of the family i only have my niece however on dh side both his brothers and his sister have children plus all his cousins ahve children

nice to see your thinking positive about this

hug

xxx


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## Ruthiebabe (Dec 15, 2003)

Hi Kim,

we've been quite open about Boo. About him beign adopted that is. The approach we've taken is that there is nothing taboo about adoption, so why not tell people. I guess if its so out in the open for him then he'll never feel uncomfortable or ashamed about it. 

People can be really nosey about why he needed to be adopted. I had one woman (a neighour) ask me twice in one conversation about his BM. I just kept saying that she wasn' able to take care of him.....she got the msg eventually!

hope this helps,
xxxruthie


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## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

Hi Kim

We're like Ruth, we've been quite open about our DS being adopted.  We don't bring up the subject but if people ask we say he is adopted.  Living in a village it would be especially hard to hide the fact that one day we had no children the next we have a son.   

Although our son is not yet three we also mention the adoption word to him, we think it's best to be as open as possible with him from the beginning so that it is something he just takes for granted.

Like Ruth we've also had people being nosey about birth parents but I think it's just natural curiosity.  We just say that they weren't able to look after him and leave it at that.  We've found that people don't normally press too much.

As for other people's children, we may have been lucky but they all seem to have just taken it in their stride.

I think it's like all parenting you just have to find your own way of dealing with things.

Cindy


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## AussieMeg (Sep 5, 2004)

Hi there


Kim you know me but for anyone else out there (and I haven't read the thread I was jsut looking at Kim's last posts) I am adopted. I have always known I was adopted and told every man and his dog because I think it makes me very special and there has never ever been any stigma attached to it in my house (I have a natural brother). My mum sometimes tells people and sometimes doesn't but I think you need to approach it a bit the same as IVF twins some people I say oh they are IVF because I like them or I feel it is appropriate and other times I jsut say yes there are twins in my family...you just seem to know what to say

Just a quick one before I run off to bed but will write more if I get a chance

Sorry for butting in 

Love to you all
Megan


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## Pooh bears mummy (Jul 11, 2004)

Hi

We too are very open and if people ask or it comes up in conversation about children I am happy to say DS is adopted. I too hope this open and relaxed approach will help DS to feel that is a normal part of him which is not something to be hidden, but like other have said the whys and where fores of his adoption are private. So question around this area are by saying yes we do know his history etc and leave it at that and people soon get the message. Children so far have never asked.

He is only just 2 so have not talked to him about it yet but I am sure in the next 12 months it will be something we will talk to him about in an age appropriate way, with the help of his life story book and photos.

PBMx


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

thanks for your replies girls, great to hear how you're all dealing with it   

another question..sorry, still got my positive head on 
have you all told your families/close friends your adopted childs background ie why they were adopted, or is that something you and your partners have kept to yourselves from everyone? if you havent told what were your reasons, if you did, do you worry someone might let it out by mistake at some point?

thanks 

kj x


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## alex28 (Jul 29, 2004)

K

There was a post similar to this on adoptionuk site the other day and i think most of the mums said "their birth parents could not look after them" rather than gave the personal info.

I think personally i will go with that stance when we are lucky enough to be matched - i think its the childs decision to let people know - depending on their age of course and if they are aware of the circumstances of their adoption.

Thats my thoughts at the present time anyway, it may change of course!!!


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