# Thinking about Surrogacy



## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Hi I'm Melana (code name),

Me (32) & my husband (30) have been ttc for nearly 7 years!!!. My husbands sperm is alittle on the low side and there not sure what is wrong with me, although I have slightly raised FSH levels that could indicate that my egg reserves are a little on the low side and not in the best condition. If my levels stay high, I will not be able to do IVF/ICSI. 

We adopted almost five years ago we have twins boy and a girl. Adoption is a very hard and stressful and I really not sure about doing it again nor is my husband.

We have been thinking about Surrogacy on and off for years, but still not sure, you worry about the surrogate changing there mind!!!. 

I am black and my husband is white and I am wandering as we are new to this whether there are many black surrogate mothers, I have looked at the Cots and Surrogacy UK sites for information.

It would have to be straight Surrogacy and I am not sure about my egg quality, but I am worried about the procedure and emotions. We have waited so long to have a baby of our own or close to it. We love our adopted twins, but it is not quite the same. We have had so many tests and treatments and let downs, you wander where you get the strength to carry on, but you do!!!. 

Which is the best Cots or Surrogacy UK?. I am worried how much it will cost and whether anyone would choose us and whether we would bond with them!!!.

I would like surrogacy to be a positive experience and would like to hear from people who have had good experiences with straight surrogacy.

I do have two sister younger than me 27 & nearly 21, but I think it would be weird or stressful if my second sister 27 year old wanted to keep it, I think it might be better kept out of the family!.

Any information would be greatly appreciated!!!!.


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## Jaq (Sep 23, 2003)

Hi Melana and welcome to the surrogacy section  
We too are Intended Parents looking for a surrogate angel to make our dreams come true after several years of tests, surgery and IVF. So I understand a little of what you have been through and how you desparately want your own little baby to love. Unfortunately we are still quite near the beginning of our journey and have not yet found a surrogate to help us, but I think all IPs worry that they will not be chosen or that the surro will not like them. The cost can also be an issue as it can sound like a lot (typically £10000-£12000 for surrogates expenses, plus costs of blood tests, joining organisations, travel, insurance, etc.), but these costs can be spread over a year or so, and you do get less shocked by them as time goes by  
Both COTS and Surrogacy UK are very friendly and helpful, plus some people do surrogacy independently. I don't know if there are many black surrogates in the UK - I suspect not, but maybe you could get one of the magazines interested in doing an article about it - it is illegal to advertise for a surrogate directly, but they could do a general article which might encourage more black women to consider surrogacy
Your other option would be to use donor eggs - have you thought about this? Again there are relatively fewer black donors in the UK and long waiting lists. However, a lot of girls are going abroad for treatment, mainly to countries such as Spain, but some have been to South Africa, the Caribbean or India, which might be able to match you more easily. But what about asking your sisters? If they were to donate eggs to you, they would be a very good match! and there would be no problem with them wanting to keep the baby. If you are unsure about asking them directly, why not tell them about trying to find an egg donor, and maybe they will take the hint  
Of course I hope that your FSH levels are OK and you can have your own baby to complete your family - whatever the future holds, I wish you the very best luck in your journey  

Love Jaq

PS For inspiration see the congratulations thread - Jayne has just given birth to a gorgeous baby boy for her IPs


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## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Melana

There are 2 organisations as you say below, as for who is best, what suits one person may not suit another, the same goes for fertility clinics. We all have different experiences and it is not fair to any organisation or clinic to take sides. 

I have been in the surrogacy world for over 10 years now and in that time have known mixed race couples to be matched with black surrogates for straight surrogacy and I have known some couples to use a white surrogate with an egg donor who is the same race or similar to the intended mother. However, on the whole most surrogates tend to be white. This is not usually a problem when persuing host surrogacy but obviously would be an obstacle when pursuing straight surrogacy.

SUK is a much smaller organisation than COTS so I would say your best chance would be with COTS as overall you would perhaps have a higher chance of finding a surrogate who is black with them due to the higher number of members they may have overall. I am a member of SUK and am not biased. If SUK was the larger organisation I would say to join them as I am obviously biased towards them.

I have just recently given birth to my second surrogate baby. I would like to think I would never keep a baby that I had intended to have for another couple. I did not go into this wanting another baby, but to help a couple have a baby. I have also been infertile myself and previously suffered over 10 long years of infertility so know what it feels like to long for a child and think you are never going to have one. I also understand your desire for more children, even though you have 2. I now have 4 children and for me I did not feel content until I had the first 2 at least.

Few surrogates decide to keep the baby, but in the few cases where this has happened there has usually been a breakdown in communications. People may have rushed into the arrangement and not thought everything through beforehand. Take your time, get to know your surrogate and communication is the key. If you enter into a surrogacy arrangement with these thoughts in mind it is highly unlikely to go wrong.


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Thank you all for replying back to me. You have given me and husband something to think about.

The money is still an issue as I am not sure about taking out a loan or whatever, I thought that you are not allowed to pay for Surrogacy apart from basic costs, but providing them with a lump sum after is like paying for a baby. I might be totally wrong, but it seem a little strange .

I would consider doing an article if it helped not just me, but other people in the same position as myself.

We still have a few options left, we are going to keep trying for at least this year. I am planning to talk to my sister and we may look at adoption as well, eventhough it was not the best experience for us. 

Something I wander if you can help me with I heard (this may sound strange )
that you can take, if you are going down the surrogacy route special tablets to help your breasts make milk, so you can breastfeed the baby when born, I think you still have to make it up with a bottle feed, but it would be a good way to bond with your new baby. . Let me know your thoughts on that!.

Also what happens when the baby is born does the baby come to you straight away or is there a cooling off period, so to speak as there is in adoption (the birth mother has six weeks to change her is she so wishes).

And one last thing, I not sure I would want to prepare for the baby coming till it was already here, just in case does that seem strange, I know I could not cope if I had the nursery ready with no baby to put in it!. 

I read all the posts and think that Jayne? is great especially after what she had been through.

I think that surrogacy could be great I just need to know everything, so I know potentially what we might be letting ourselves in for!.


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## Jaq (Sep 23, 2003)

Hi again Melana  

Re. the money: the amount should just cover expenses, but this will include all the extra expenditure that the surro will have because she is pregnant and cannot do everyday things as normal, including cleaning, childcare to cover antenatal appointments, maternity clothes, loss of earnings and so on - these amounts should be paid as they arise (ie before the birth) but there will be more payable around the time of delivery as this is obviously a bigger change from "normal" activity. And more may be payable if your surro needs a caesarian and cannot drive, etc. for a while afterwards. I too, do not like the thought of "buying" a baby, but you are not really doing that - you are paying a wonderful lady to "babysit" for 9 months for you, plus giving something back for the priceless gift they are giving you   I know it sounds like a lot of money (especially for those of us who have already spent loads on IVF!!), and it will be more than if you were pregnant yourself, but most of us work out some way of getting the money.
I too have heard that some women have been able to breastfeed their surrobabe - I am sure there will be people that can help with that side of things nearer the time.
Again, as I have not got that far yet, I can't tell you from experience what happens after the birth, but I think that usually the intended parents will take over all care of the baby from the moment of birth and take him or her to their home as soon as possible. However, the child will legally be the birth mother's until the parental order is gained which will take a few weeks I think. 
Finally, I quite understand your not wanting to get things ready for the arrival of your little one too early, in case things go wrong - for many of us, we are so used to things not going according to plan that we always expect the worst. However, if you are close to your surrogate and really get involved in the pregnancy, I think you will begin to believe that you will get your little baby home and can begin to get excited and to allow yourself to buy things and decorate - I hope so anyway  

Best wishes, and keep in touch!

Love Jaq


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## **Tashja** (Jan 13, 2005)

There was a lady on SUK who brestfed her baby for 8 months even though she did not carry the baby - so yes this is possible for some people to do after taking a combination of tablets.

Also I am/was a surrogate and the plan alwas was that as soon as the baby was born it was handed immedietly to the parents.  I do not think anyone would advocate a 6 week cooling off period where the surro kept the baby   So this is not a worry !!!

Good luck 

Tashja xx


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## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Melana

The baby will be placed in your arms straight after the birth and it will be your responsibility from thereonin. With the birth of our own surrogate baby, our surrogate mother and myself were able to spend the night in hospital in our own rooms. The next day our wonderful surrogate and her family came to visit us and we took lots of pictures of her and her family with our baby. Once the baby had had all its checks we were then able to go home with our baby. Our surrogate had gone home a little earlier. My own surrogacy experiences as a surrogate mother were very similar.

The legal process takes several months to complete. You have to wait 6 weeks before you can apply for a Parental Order and it takes about 3-4 months for the process to be completed. Further info and necessary forms are available on both the COTS and SUK sites, ie www.surrogacy.org.uk (COTS) and www.surrogacyuk.org (SUK).

The surrogate mother could change her mind at any point, but this VERY rarely happens. As I said before it happens generally when people rush into things and the surrogacy arrangement is not stable and there is a breakdown in communications that is unable to be resolved.

Surrogacy is not for everyone, you have to be strong enough to cope with the stress and strains of it all. There has to be trust on BOTH sides. As a surrogate mother I could not help a couple that I felt did not trust me. The whole surrogacy arrangement would be strained and it could be a thoroughly miserable experience for all concerned. However, if you take your time and build a good friendship and there is trust on both sides it will be a wonderful experience!

Whether you have a child via adoption, surrogacy, IVF etc, there are always worries. 

Finally, regarding breastfeeding a surrogate baby, this is possible. A friend of mine was successful in this and breastfed her surrogate baby for 8 months. If you join an organisation they will have members who have been through the experience who will be happy to advise you and pass on tips.


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Thank you again for taking time to answer my questions! . I did speak to to someone from Cots yesterday, she did make me feel a little more assured about the process and the relationship between us and the surrogate. She was also a surrogate mother, so she gave me a real insight as to how it works and the possible pitfalls.

Some good news another person called me from Cots (possibly a manager, I don't remember!) said there are ethnic (black) surrogates, not many, but there are some, so it can still be an option for us! .

Also great news about the breastfeeding, I thought it was possible, it would be something I would like to consider, should we go down the path of surrogacy.

I am glad you are all so positive about surrogacy, but are aware and realistic about the pitfalls!.

I'm sure if we do go down the surrogacy route and we are lucky enough to be chosen that we would probably get on fine and have a great friendship at the end of it, but if we did not hit off I would like to think I could speak up without worrying about not being chosen by another surrogate mother.

Regarding the money he did say that you agree the amount at the beginning and you pay a fifth and then the rest when the paperwork has been completed. I do still wander how they decide on how much will ours be nearer £5,000 or £10,000, from what this guy said it is usually nearer £10,000.

My husband is not as keen not just because of the money, but he worries how I will  cope with someone else carrying our baby, but after nearly 7 years you just want the end result!!!!. I will miss out on the process of being pregnant, but if it is not meant to be there is nothing I can do about it, what I said to him is once we have decided we are not going to keep trying naturally anymore, I will take sometime out and maybe have a holiday before embarking on the next stage of trying to have a baby!.

I am leaning more towards surrogacy, instead of adoption, I just not sure where I will get the money from as I am really not sure about getting a loan as we just about pay the bills as it is, which I am sure alot of you are in the same boat as me .

Thanks again.

Melana X


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## **Tashja** (Jan 13, 2005)

I am glad you have sopken to someone and that they have helped alay your worries 

Even though you say you will miss out on the process of being pregnant, tis is not entirely true !! If you find te right surrogate they will allow you to attend all the scans, appointments and the actual birth !! My couple asked to attend EVERY appointment and scan eventhough it meant a 4 hour drive !!

Good luck Mel

Tashja xx


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Hi Mrs G,

I guess you have point, you can be as involved as you want to be. It is still not quite the same, but it is very close!!! 

I know I keep talking about how much the surrogate charges, but does this vary or have you personally only known the amount to be £10,000. If we do go down the surrogacy path, we will use a black surrogate and from the person I spoke to yesterday said, they are not that popular, will they charge more or less than £10,000 it just makes me wander? , do we have to wait till we are chosen to find out or do you set your amount you can afford before hand?.

I'm not saying they do not deserve it, but it is alot to come up with it's almost as much a (2 goes of IVF!!!).

My husband thinks it should be around £5,000 and he still thinks that is alot!!.

I know there is more than money to consider, but I have to think of afterwards as I have two children (adopted) to think of (maybe I'm being selfish!!) .

Let me know your thoughts or anyone else out there, with the same feelings .

Melana X


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## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Melana

I will explain a little about the expenses side of things.

Every case is different but below is a list of typical pregnancy expenses and this is how easy it is to get to £10,000. I am not saying this is what every surrogate will require or ask for but is a guide to how the expenses add up to this amount.

Extra food/Convenience food - £1000.
You would want to ensure your surrogate was eating a healthy diet, plenty of fruit and vegetables etc and you would want to make life as easy as possible for your surrogate. She may need to buy more convenience foods such as ready made foods that just need microwaving or placing in the oven. The first 3 months and last 3 months of a pregnancy can be exhausting. 

Cleaner/Help Around the house - £1000
Perhaps you would like your surrogate to have a cleaner to help with the housework. Even if she does not require a cleaner she may have to ask her husband/friend/children to help a lot more around the house. 

Taxis - £300
Does your surrogate have a car? You would not want your surrogate carrying heavy bags of shopping home from the supermarket. Perhaps she could order her food via the internet? You may want your surrogate to have enough money to take taxis or to be able order her shopping via the net. 

Takeaways - £1000
There may be times when your surrogate is too sick or tired to cook. Perhaps it would help if she and her family were able to buy takeaways at these times during the pregnancy. This is particularly useful during the first 3 months of pregnancy and towards the end of the pregnancy.

Childcare - £1000
Most surrogates will have childcare needs at certain points during the pregnancy. Ie to attend ante-natal appointments. If your surrogate is not feeling well at times during the pregnancy she may use a nursery/pre-school/friend to help care for her children. Childcare during the birth. Holiday childcare. Putting the children into a holiday club for the odd day here and there during school holidays. This can be very helpful during the long 6 week holiday, particularly if your surrogate is heavily pregnant at this point. 

Entertainment for the children - £500
Keeping the children occupied during school holidays. Perhaps a day out here and there, a trip to McDonalds as a treat. When mum is pregnant with someone else's baby the surrogate's children have to make many sacrifices. Mum may not be well enough at times to have their friends round to play. But the odd treat for the children can make up for the times where they have had to miss out.

Loss of earnings - £1500-£3,000
The surrogate will receive maternity pay but this is only 90% of earnings. A surrogate who works shifts and gets a shift allowance, will lose significantly more than this. She will need perhaps 6 weeks off before the birth and 6 weeks afterwards. Her husband may also need to take time off work at times during the pregnancy.

Clothing - £500
Maternity clothes and also after the birth the surrogate may need some clothes to wear before she gets her figure back. 

Holiday for the surrogate and her family after the birth - £1500
The above amount would probably just about cover the cost of a short break in a caravan for a week for a family of 4 in the UK.

Contingencies. You must also have a plan of action should your surrogate become very ill during the pregnancy. What if she requires bedrest and is in hospital for a week or two due to complications, a threatened miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy etc?. What is she gets pre-eclampsia? What if she has a c-section?. 

I agreed with both my couples that they would either have to arrange and pay for a live-in nanny to come and look after my children or take care of them for me. My husband would not be able to take time work of as this would affect us financially, plus the fact he sometimes leaves the house at 5am and often travels abroad on business. In each of my surrogacies my IMs were prepared to drop everything and take care of my children, which I preferred rather than have a nanny who my children did not know.

You have to be comfortable with the amount of expenses you are able to pay. Most couples have to take out loans/increase their mortgage and/or save hard to fund a surrogacy arrangement. At Surrogacy UK we suggest the surrogate receives her expenses over the period of the pregnancy, ie 5-10% per month. This makes it easier to budget for the intended parents. All expenses must be declared  to the Parental Order Reporter. The POR may ask to see evidence of payments and ask for receipts where appropriate as proof. 

Most surrogates do not like having to accept expenses from their IPs, but without these expenses surrogates and their families would be out of pocket financially and many would not be able to even contemplate being a surrogate.

Hope this explains the expenses more fully.


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Hi Crownmum,

Thank you for letting me know the breakdown of costs that we may incur, I am not resentful of how much it costs, I just wandered what it was going on. I do think they deserve to be looked after during there pregnancy as you would look after yourself and family.

Cots were saying that you pay about a fifth and then like I said before the rest at end. I am surprised that you can pay basically on monthly basis, would this start from confirmation of pregnancy or when insemination starts?.

And how is it paid by direct debit or in person?. Also are you allowed to know how much your surrogate would charge before you make your commitment to them, so you have time to think about it? or do you have to assume how much it might cost and budget accordingly?.

Please let me know or anyone else who reads this what you think. .

Melana X


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## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Melana

Expenses are paid on a monthly basis (as soon as a pregnancy is confirmed) as most expenses are incurred over the period of the pregnancy. SUK do not advise on paying lump sums at the end, as this leaves the surrogate mother out of pocket during the pregnancy. However, a surrogate may receive something at the end for a short break for herself and her family or it may be added to her monthly expenses during the period of the pregnancy. If the surrogate miscarried very late in pregnancy it could cause an awkward situation to accept expenses from the couple at such a stressful time. Everyone is individual and expenses are paid however the parties agree, DD, SO, cheque, internet transfer etc and in whatever amounts the parties concerned are happy with. 

When a surrogate joins SUK she lists her expenses on her application form. The same goes for the IPs. If a surrogate chooses a couple who have listed their expenses as XXX but the surrogate only requires XX then that is all the IPs would pay. When a surrogate chooses IPs then the IPs are informed as to her level of expenses. 

After a period of getting to know each other of at least 3 months, and if everyone is happy, a Surrogacy Agreement is drawn up. This document lists everything from what tests will be conducted during the pregnancy, contact before, during and after the birth, and all the expenses etc. It is not legally binding but puts everything down on paper so everyone is aware of what they are agreeing to.


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Hi Crownmum,

Thanks again for replying, I did not know that you put down what you can afford, if that is what you mean, wouldn't the surrogate get put on by that or does that help her choose her intended parents!.

Sorry can you please explain, I am having a stupid day! .

Melana X


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## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Melana

Expenses are confidential. If a surrogate requires XX in expenses then that is all the IPs pay her.

It really does not matter what the IPs have put on their form as the surrogate never sees this information.


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## **Tashja** (Jan 13, 2005)

I believe with COTS it helps so that a surrogate who needs more (i.e. she is the main wage earner) does not pick/match with a couple who could not afford to pay her this money.  It is important that the surrogate is not left out of pocket in an arrangement.


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Hi there Crownmum & Mrs G,

Thanks for the info!. Cots & Surrogacy UK are very different organisations it hard to know which is best!.

I guess if we are thinking of doing this I better get saving!!!!! .

One thing I've just thought of, do you wait till your surrogate is pregnant till you invite them to meet your family & friends or should they meet them before as you do spend as you said around three months getting to know you!. The reason I ask is if your surrogate for whatever reason does not fall pregnant it would be a waste of time building your family and friends hopes up wouldn't it?.

Let me know your thoughts if you have time .

Melana X


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## **Tashja** (Jan 13, 2005)

I think this is a personal matter !! I met my IMs Mum and dad and that was it I never got to meet any of her other family.  But her mum did come to the hospital with us when we went for the transfer !! 

Some surrogates never get to meet their IPs families but some become very close - almost like an extra member of the family !! 

My IPs never got to meeyt any of my family 

Tashja xx


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## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Melana

As a surrogate I invited our surrogate to meet my parents. My mum was terminally ill with cancer so I thought it would be a great comfort to meet the special person that was going to help us have a much wanted baby. It was, as she died a year before Abigail was born. Our surrogate also met the rest of our family at Abi's Christening. We met my surros mum before too. Over the years we have both met each other's family as we always invite each other to family events. I always said, if our child ever got married, it would be an honour to have her and her family there too.

As a surrogate I have met both my IPs family but they have not met mine as our family live 200 miles away from us. It will be quite a gathering if everyone meets up, just with the friends we have made via our surrogate families alone!  

With my first IPs I met their family at the Christening and was made to feel very welcome. My first IM is one of 5 so there were lots of relatives to meet! With my second IPs we met my IFs mum when we went to stay at their house  one weekend, and we invited my IMs parents and her brother and family to our house for a BBQ in the summer. Although we did not meet everyone until I was pregnant, we had planned to meet everyone before but I got pregnant on the first attempt of treatment.

I've received letters from my second IPs family before, during the pregnancy and since the birth which is very nice too. 

This may not be the case for everyone, and not everyone may be happy to be so close, but this is the way it has been for us.


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Thanks Mrs G & Crownmum,

I guess I won't know till we start down that road if that's what we are going to do. We are still deciding whether to have one go at IVF, even if there is not a great chance or whether to go down the Surrogacy route!.

I just want to have a happy healthy baby of my own, I'm getting sick of waiting for one the natural way! .

With surrogacy there is still so much to consider, the surrogacy family, the process, the children, my family and my husbands family, our own feelings, will we able to cope with someone being pregnant with our baby, watching her tummy grow and wishing it was me.

I'm not sure how everyone will be about it, our families have had children with no real problems!.

At least if I wanted I could breastfeed like I mentioned before, so at least I would be doing something pregnancy related with the baby .

I guess it still needs some further thought.

I would love some words of reassurance. 

Melana X


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## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Melana

I am wondering why you are considering surrogacy at this stage when you are still considering having your first attempt of IVF.

Surrogacy is for those who have been born without a womb, have had a hystectomy, had repeated miscarriages, had repeated implantation failure with IVF, unexplained infertility as long as all fertility treatments have been tried or have been advised that carrying a pregnancy will cause serious harm to their health.

The BMA advise it must be a treatment "of last resort" and I presume it is the same case with COTS as it with SUK that you need a letter from your doctor confirming you are unable to carry a baby to term for one of the above mentioned reasons.

Surrogacy is a huge undertaking, and like you say: "With surrogacy there is still so much to consider, the surrogacy family, the process, the children, my family and my husbands family, our own feelings, will we able to cope with someone being pregnant with our baby, watching her tummy grow and wishing it was me."

IVF is the easier option by far, so I wish you lots of luck with it, I really hope it works for you.


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Hi Mrs G,

Thanks for the info, I know I have not had IVF or anything, but it has still been nearly 7 years trying. I am only looking for this being a possible in the future if we have tried IVF possibly and still no joy!!!. 

I guess I can carry a baby, but the specialist did think it was weird that I had never been pregnant not even once!!. I had a lap. where they look inside and check your uterus and tubes. I did have a adhesion holding back my ovary to my pelvis, so he cut through it, but did say there is no real reason why I should not  get pregnant that was a while ago.

I have had 3 failed IUI's, they said that could be because my husband's sperm is quite low and with this new info about my FSH levels, that could be the reason for not conceiving, I guess there is always donors eggs or sperm I guess!!!.

Sorry for wasting everyone's time, I guess it was a bit too soon to be thinking this far ahead!!!.

Thanks to everyone .

Melana X


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## Jaq (Sep 23, 2003)

Hi Melana

Don't apologise for wasting everyone's time - you need to know what all your options are, and there is a lot to surrogacy, so it is good that you are thinking everything through, even if (hopefully   ) you do not need to go down the surrogacy route. And there are a lot of people who just come onto FF and read through posts without posting themselves - so you may well have helped to answer other people's questions too.
If you do end up needing to try donor eggs or sperm, post on the donor eggs and sperm boards - I found everyone very helpful there too and made a couple of good friends through the donor eggs threads  

Whatever your future holds, I wish you the best of luck and hope it is not too long before you are holding that wonderful baby of your own  

Love Jaq


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## crownmum (Jul 18, 2004)

Hi Melana

I started looking into surrogacy about 3 years before we finally went down that route, so it is never too soon to learn about surrogacy. 

All the questions you have asked, will, I am sure, give many people more of an insight into what is involved in surrogacy. So don't feel you have wasted anyone's time.

We all wish you lots of luck with IVF.


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

Thank you all,

Sorry, I was just having a bad day, I am always running before I can walk.  

We are going to go down the IVF route, we are also going to try some complementary medicines to help and see what happens, I will keep you all posted.

I would like to wish everyone luck, surrogate mothers and intended parents, I hope everyone dreams become a reality, as it has at least opened my eyes to other options out there and I am differently more for than against surrogacy now!!! .

Melana XXX


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Melana

I have been thinking about the other options available to us, as its starting to seem that we are unlikely ever to conceive naturally and IVF might be our only option.  We can't afford to pay privately for it and I've so little hope of it working that I don't really want to go through with it, although my DF is keen to give it a try.  He has more hope than me.

I have often thought I couldn't bear the idea of someone else being pregnant with my DF's baby and watching her give birth to the baby I wanted to give birth to.  I felt I'd end up resenting and hating the woman and the baby, and feeling that my DF should just leave me to be with her!!!  I felt I'd feel like a spare part, a useless, unfeminine failure of a woman who had to stand back and let a "real" woman conceive and carry and bear my DF's child because I was too inadequate to do so.

Anyway, after discussing this with my DF he says he couldn't bear surrogacy either.  He couldn't stand getting someone else involved and watching her have his child rather than me.  I think that means that this avenue is closed off for us.

Adoptiion may be an avenue, but I worry whether we would be accepted as I'm already 34 (will be 35 in december) and by the time we've had our try at IVF and possibly tried any other route I may be too old - DF is 11 years younger than me (he's 23) so I don't know if that would be an issue, whether they would object to ONE half of the couple being over the 35 is the other half was still young. . .


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## melana (Aug 9, 2004)

To Ladymoonlight,

Sorry to hear that you have been trying to conceive for so long, it does take it out of you emotionally!!!. 

I think what ever you decide you have to be united as it will not work. Otherwise you will cause stress and turmoil in your relationship!!!.

I don't think even your other half can really appreciate what the feeling is like when you cannot conceive and carry your own baby. It's like someone has taken away your god given right to be a mother!!. 

My husband and I adopted nearly five years ago, I have six year old twins boy and a girl they are adorable and pain at the same time!. We have been trying to  conceive for nearly seven years and coming round to the idea that it probably won't happen, but we live in hope!!.

I am 32 and my husband is 30 and we did say if we do not conceive by the time I am 35 we will adopt again (maybe!!).

I will give this warning Adoption is not for everyone and not to be taken likely or used as a last resort!. I had some bonding problems when they first came to live with us. I just did not feel like a natural mother and I still wanted a natural child.

Please exhaust every possible avenue as when and if you decide to adopt you will want to put all your focus into that. It takes along time and it quite invasive and you are unlikely to get a baby, unless it has special needs or you are just very,very lucky you need to go into it with your eyes wide open!!!!!!!!!.

I do not want to put you off or anything, I just wish someone had made me more aware, what the real pitfalls are and that it does not always have a happy ending as alot of the adoption matches breakdown!!. 

I quite happy to give you any advice as I am training to be a fostercarer at the moment, so I will be to give you some up to date advice when you are or if you are going to think about going down this route.

Good Luck in what ever you decide.

Melana


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## LadyMoonlight (Mar 10, 2005)

Hi Melana

I really don't think that we could cope with surrogacy.  I wouldn't feel any bond with another woman's child that my partner had fathered.  I would hate her and the child and probably my partner as well and would think "why doesn't he just leave me to bring up their child with her!"  I couldn't bear to see her experiencing the pregnancy I can never experience, or being reminded about how easily "normal" women conceive.  I couldn't bear to see the look on my partner's face watching HER give birth to HIS child.  I would feel like a total spare part.  I've always thought surrogacy must be an incredibly difficult thing to go through and I can't even bear the prospect of doing it myself.  And my partner can't either.

I just don't know what else we can do if IVF doesn't work (and I doubt it will).


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## surro_mummy (May 4, 2006)

what makes me angry is why cant you advertise for a surrogate? I have applied for cots but alot of intended parents are put off cots as they are so expensive! I am very lucky as i get pregnant very easily but poor parents who struggle seem to have to be multi-millionaires to have a child, these clinics must be making a fortune. vikki x

**EDITED - Please be careful with what you say ***


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