# Angry at my reaction



## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Think this may be a longun!!  I hope it makes sense, just had to get it off my chest!

OK, the background to this is, at a previous work place I had a boss who was a bit of a moo.  It ended up that I became on equal terms with her due to promotion but she was still a bit of a moo as that’s her personality – very in your face and loud as well as a tendency to be a bit nasty.

So, whilst working there, I had a couple of cycles at (without telling a soul there).  Just before I left, around 5 years ago, my sister came to work there (hope you’re following).  Well, to cut a long story short, she’s obviously told them/her about our treatment because a while ago I saw moo at a party and she ‘wanted to talk’ to me about something but never actually said what.  I know she wanted to talk to me cos my sister told me she was having problems conceiving.  Anyway, it turns out she had a cycle of IVF which I was told had failed then her next cycle she got a positive – my reaction to that was I guess jealousy cos I just thought why her?  She’s not a nice person, I am so why not me – this sounds so horrible cos I’m not normally like that but she had been such a moo.  So, since then, and since my sister told me she’d had her 2nd child (naturally) just before Xmas (I never even knew she was pg) I’ve avoided any where that I think she may be, including going to my friends parties etc – UNTIL Saturday!!

My friend had a surprise birthday party at her house that was organised late and we were invited, I never even gave it a second thought.  As it was, we walked into her house and another lady I used to work was sitting there with her little girl, I sat down while DH mingled in the kitchen.  Then it happened - SHE walked with her daughter and a baby in it’s car seat.  I was so shocked at my reaction, I just froze.  I was absolutely distraught, my body language must have said it all because I felt myself turn away – I was desperately hunting for DH who thank goodness came and sat next to me but didn’t realise what was happening.  My flippin ears were like radars picking every word up, someone asked her what she had decided (meaning whether to be sterilised or not) to which she hadn’t decided.  Then I heard her get up with the baby and say ‘Let’s go and see Nix’ – I wanted to run out of there, I just didn’t know how to cope, I carried on talking to someone while she plonked herself and her gorgeous beautiful boy in front of me on her lap and I just kept thinking OH GOD PLEASE DON’T LET HER ASK ME TO HOLD HIM.  I looked in desperation at DH who gulped down his coffee and said shall we go, to which we made our excuses (after only about 30 minutes at this party) and left.  I just, made it to the car before I exploded into floods of tears.  This is how I spent the rest of the weekend!

I have never felt so many emotions, I was angry at myself for reacting like that, I have NEVER EVER reacted like that, my sister has had a baby while we’ve been going through IVF, my best friend has had a baby and I’ve been fine with them.  Girls at work have had children.  I think maybe I’ve made sure I’ve not put myself in these situations.  I feel bad for my friend who’s party it was, I feel I can’t apologise cos I never told anyone about my IF but it seems my sister felt she should!  I feel angry at the moo for being so insensitive – especially when she’s been thro’ it herself, I feel tearful – I’m just so mixed up when I thought I had it all so together.

I soooo wish I’d come to Bath to meet you all – no-one understands like you ladies.  Thank you for reading it and sorry for always moaning.

Nix
x


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Nixnoo, 

I'm just on my way out so can't post at length, but just wanted to say this sounds hideous, I would have reacted in exactly the same way, and from the last sentence of your post it sounds as if you think we've already met up, and we haven't, and I'm wondering if you can make it (4th Feb).....

Take care luvly, and there's nothing wrong with a good cry to get it out of your system, as much as you can....

Lots of love, 

Leoarna x


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Hi Nix

First things first....you are not always moaning, and even if you were it would be for a valid reason and that is what we are here for, to share and support.

              

Sending you enormous hugs for this.

I don't think you should be surprised or embarrassed at your reaction at all. other peoples pgs are always so hard to deal with, and sometimes we cope and sometimes we don't (or in my case, mostly don't!) . I am not surprised in the least that you felt so awful about this. Firstly you have a shared history with this woman, and an uncomfortable one at that...it sounds as if you don;t have wonderful memories of working with her anyway  
let alone with the IF issues on top.

You probalby felt particuarly terrible about this for several reasons, such as you were taken completely off your guard by not expecting her to be there, let alone with her 2 children. Then you were forced to be up close to her and the babies and couldn't even avoid her by going into another room or choosing to talk to someone else... I can imagine you felt very cornered and cut off from some of our normal coping stategies. But also maybe it was harder to deal with BECAUSE you know she has never been a nice person. It just seems so UNFAIR! You say you coped with you sisters and friends pg (and well done you, bcause that is a huge achievemnt in itself...I can't say the same!  ). so this implies to me that the reason this was particularly painful was because there is a sense that you love your sister and she deserved her pg, whereas understandably you feel that why should this nasty woman get YOUR hearts desiire when when you lonng so painfully for it.  It has highlighted the sheer unfairness and hurt of your situation. Infertility can sometimes seem like you've been singled out for pain, and this sounds like one of thse times.

When I worked in my old job it was just as DH was diagnosed and we were about to embark on our first tx cycle. I was in a terrible state. It was the sort of office where you cannot keep anything secret and I was working with 2 pg women either side of me and was in a right old mess. The only other lady in my team who wasn't pg  was a  lady who it was well known she couldn't have children. To cut a very long story short I discovered she'd written a spiteful document about me and my IF syaing really nasty things as though I was doing it for attention. In the end I handed in my notice because of her. I think I'm telling you this because I was so hurt by her behaviour, that the one person in the office who I thought might understand was so awful to me. I can imagine that maybe there is some of that in how you are feeling...this woman should understand how much it hurts to be near  others children, yet she acted completley oblivious, like now that she's ok it doesn't matter.

Dear Nix I am rambling Sooooooo much here! but I think I'm trying to say: 

I UNDERSTAND (and am sure we all do!)
I CARE
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL WHAT YOU ARE FEELING

Sending you massive hugs as I can imagine that this feels like a bolt from the blue and like a setback.


----------



## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

P.S

Forgot to say that one of the women that was pg in my office was really two faced and I can remember feeling so upset that she was 'allowed' to be pg. I can remember seeing her walking across the car park with her bump, and I had an overwhelming urge to push her over      which is truly awful and not like me at all normally (Honest!) 

so you see you're not alone


----------



## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Dear Nixnoo, 

I hope you can come to meet us in Bath!

I have to say that Ermey's reply was pretty spot on - You have done so well to cope with everybody's pgs, no wonder moo's was tough on you as she was so difficult at work and insensitive at the party. Don't beat yourself up over it, just remember you need some TLC from yourself and DH at these times.

Share your feelings here. We do understand one another, as we have many common experiences.  

In the job I had during my treatments there was another woman who had had unsuccessful IF. It was common knowledge as it was generally a supportive place and as we were teaching we had to arrange cover so kind of owed an explanation. Anyway the most insensitive colleague was actually teaching on a counselling course! When she married she announced that she would be having a baby asap and sure enough was pg by the following Xmas meal. She sat down opposite me and whilst rubbing her as yet invisible bump explained to me that she was determined to give her baby the best womb experiences she could and this meal was her baby's intro to gastronomy. She went on and on saying how she was introducing the baby to music and blah, blah, blah and I ended up leaving the table, said I felt a bit unwell. That was the most expensive uneaten meal I ever had! She spent the rest of the pg behaving like the original earth mother, constantly expecting us to all be interested in her oh so intuitive approach to pg.  Eventually she had a leaving party featuring a "guess the date and time of the birth" competition and a "guess the measurement of my bump" competition - at the party her bump was ceremoniously measured, so I am told. Needless to say, the other IF lady and I sent our apologies. Would you believe it but Mrs Empathetic-Counsellor actually asked us if we wanted to enter the competitions anyway so we had a chance to win! I guess you could put the story in a black comedy?

Nixnoo, no need at all to be angry at your own reaction, I think insensitivity makes us all angry and upset.

You take care now. Hugs   


love

Jq


----------



## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Oh Nix hun   sooooo felt for you, what a tough weekend, but I am so pleased you shared your post with us because it really struck a cord with me as I have just had a similiar situ this weekend too  !!!

A good friend of mine told me (very sensitively) that she was preg, but the emotions it triggered in me were really unsettling, and unpleasant and made me feel angry and scared at my reaction too.

Reason for my particular pain at this announcement was because this friend was one who shared the IF journey with me for a very brief while before she suddenly had a natural miracle and escaped having to start her IF tx - that hurt enough at the time in the sense of how unfair that all seemed  . 

I see this friend quite regularly and it took all my strength and resolve to bravely support her thro her preg, and then visit and hold her tiny one (that was a deeply difficult day) but over time I have watched myself grow stronger and become more comfortable with her little one . . . then Wham she suddenly has miracle preg no 2 and it knocked me for six, as I will have to go through that whole journey again with watching her second miracle bump grow and then the dreaded day of having to see and hold a new born   

What caused me the most pain was that both this friend and I have a strong faith, and I know it is crazy and silly but it made me torture myself with the thought 'why were my faith and prayers not as good as hers' why were they blessed so richly and Dh and I just put through pointless IF tx hell for nothing      I just feel so angry, angry that one couple can be so easily blessed above another couple, not once but twice, angry they didn't even have to try for no 2 it just happened straight away, angry that I will have to go through sharing another persons pregnancy when I soooo just wanted a year without one in my face, and angry that I feel angry when that is so not the real me, and despite my pain I love my friend to bits and in a normal frame of mind would be thrilled to bits she has been so lucky as she is a truly lovely, kind and supportive person. 

I have decided that the only way I can disseminate my anger is to write it down then rip it up, because I know I need to let my horrible jealous feelings out. They feel just like a nasty boil or spot that needs a good squeezing!!!!!!!!

So Nix, I share your tears, your anger, your feelings of why not us, why weren't we allowed to be given this gift    . The injustice of it all is just plain cruel and makes me want to scream my lungs out at the top of some remote mountain  !!!!!!!! When this pain and anger engulfs me like this I try desperately hard to grab hold of my hope that within all this, there just has to be some future reason that will show itself soon - and that is what will get me through each day, waiting and still hoping on this thought.

Although every preg announcement hurts, some just have that extra sting in the tail for a whole host of different reasons. It is weird isn't it, your person's child situ made you feel angry because they aren't a nice person, and my friends preg announcement made me feel angry because they are very nice and it felt like I was therefore the not so nice one who wasn't blessed!  Sometimes how ever brave we have become, these announcements and babies thrust in our faces just come and push our barriers down and re open very raw wounds. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE hugs to you and thank you for sharing your experience because in doing so it has made me see that the uncharacteristic anger and pain we are put through is a common bond between us all xxxxx

Love
Hippy
xxxxxx


----------



## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Leoarna – thanks – I thought you met this weekend gone, I’m going to try to get to the meet up.  

Ermey – thank you for your post, you’re right in what you’ve said.  That is awful what happened to you at work, I think it’s more likely that SHE wasn’t getting the attention that was her problem, it’s so hard to understand such mean and insensitive people.  

Jq – Ditto!    

Hippy – I’m so glad you posted, I had a similar thing happen with my friend.  She has an IVF baby but couldn’t afford any more treatments, then 7 years had a miracle 2nd naturally and couldn’t tell me for 6 months!  I was so pleased for her cos she’s a darling friend but I had to come to terms with it.  I couldn’t bring myself to visit in hospital but she understood even though I didn’t actually say so.  I can so relate you what you’re saying about your faith, it’s a normal reaction but it doesn’t help the fact that we feel it and then torture ourselves by feeling guilty that we felt it!  I think jealousy is the wrong word, it’s too strong maybe we should invent a new word for it.  Thinking of you Hippy.  

It’s all a case of preparing yourself I think and on this occasion I just wasn’t prepared and it bit me on the bum in a big way.

Thank you ladies for your kindness and understanding, thank goodness for this place.
xxxx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

The point you make about preparation is a really good one - I am always more able to cope if I know what I have to face. I gues, when we haven't had that time and are suddenly faced with something tough, we could say to ourselves " What would I have thought / done / etc if I had known that this was coming?" and then try and do it or think it. Haven't tried this myself but just occurred to me that it might work..... Then again!!!!

I'll include you in the pm-ing list for the meet up, Nix!

Love, Leoarna x


----------



## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hi Nix,
I'm so sorry to read what a horrible situation you found yourself in. It really was quite unfair of your sister to disclose such a personal piece of information which wasn't hers to tell without your consent-although I don't know the circumstances that it was told in.
I'm sure that we've all found ourselves in similar situations and it truly breaks my heart to read your post as I know just how you must have felt. Thank goodness you have such a lovely Dh who could read the situation immediatley and get you out of there. I think we must have some kind of invisible beacon within us that draws people with babies around us like flies around you-know-what and unless we barracade ourselves up in our own homes, there is no escaping them or their drooling parents.
Have you spoken to your sister about this, and if so, what did she say?
I hope you're feeling a little stronger now-sending you many, many gentle hugs  
Would be lovely to see you on the 4th if you could make it.
lol pp xxx


----------



## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Don't be angry at yourself Nix, it's a terrible situation to find yourself in. I can't add to what the others have said to be honest.

The last time something similar happened to me it took weeks and weeks for me to recover my emotional equilibrium even though I was convinced up to that point that I was "over" the whole IF/IVF/MC thing.

Be kind to yourself an reflect on your triumphs along this wretched road rather than this one incident.

flipper


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Nix,

I'm sorry you had to go through this .... it's the worst, worst feeling ever .....

It's bad enough when you "know" its coming but it always twists the knife in that little further when we are surprised by such events.... not getting any time to "prepare" ourselves.  And if you're anything like me, you're sooo conscious of "everybody" looking at you to see how you react ...... awful, awful, awful......

I do get the impression you're putting alot of pressure on yourself though hun..... It's totally understandable that you reacted in the way you did.  My advice is, if anyone "judges" you for it, stuff them.  They haven't been in your shoes and until they have, they could never understand. ....

Try not to dwell too much on how you felt at the time, just try to "go" with your feelings, let the tears come, do whatever you need to to protect yourself and hopefully, there will be better days ahead when you will "cope" better with these situations.  

Living with IF is a whole new learning curve (bl**dy hellish as it is ...) and I have come to the conclusion it's all about experience, and from that, we learn our own "coping strategies" as we stumble along this long, lonely, difficult path.  I don't think it's something you ever learn to "get over" but somehow, through time, we learn to "live With" in our own ways .....

Be kind to  yourself and give yourself a huge pat on the back - this was NOT an easy situation and did "cope" - you just coped with it in the way you had to for yourself ... at that particular moment.

Just wanted to add that I do understand hun ...

All my love,
Gill xo


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Dear Nix
I really feel for you and having to go through something like you did and quite unprepared for these events. I have read through everyones posts and they have said alot of things that i couldn't agree more with..thank goodness there are ladies like us that really can understand how this must have felt for you...
Firstly, I really really really admire and take my hat off to your husband. From what i can see noticed your feelings and reacted on your best interests, at the time when he recognised your distress. This for me really shows what an intuitive person he is and that you are both so together...not everyone can say they have this depth in their relationship..
Concerning feeling bad because you do not like this girl, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Pregnant or not, she is not a nice person - Fact!! To me you are being really honest and being real about how you feel. I think it takes alot of guts to be honest and feeling sad she has been pregnant and sucessful is hurtful because it happens to be someone you don't really like. I can relate to that and i have also got angry over the years with similiar situations. The only thing is because we are nice people that makes the added sadness of not getting pregnant even more profound. That feeling of it not being fair, because generally we are nice people and why does this IF have to happen to the nice ones? Its only recently that i have started to accept pregnancy in relation to it being not about whether you are nice or not so nice, but just a lot of luck...
The other thing that did not help you is that you wasn't prepared for the weekend. I am sure that you felt exposed and because you were surrounded by a person you didn't care for much in the first place, just added to the distress of it all. I have also learned something that some people do forget very easily about their IF, maybe because it wasn't such a difficult road for them in the first place. So hence they are not often affected by the trauma of IF, as you have experienced.  When you reach to certain points where the 'Hope' is less visable thats when you go through the emotional rollercoaster of IF, and some people are fortunate not to go this far down the IF path..
Maybe Nix this was going to come out somewhere along the line? Maybe it was there lurking and it came out when you least expected it. Sometimes i think these events are for a reason (i hope i don't sound patronising) because it gets us to re evaluate our lives and where we are going? Its sad and awful but its part of this process of grieving and takes us to another stage of coping.
Please do not beat yourself up about it. I think you did really well to leave the party and not to put yourself or your hubby in a situation, where it could have lead to complete exposure. You left and took yourself out of it and coped the best way possible. If your friend understands then she will be there for you, so do not worry..Also i don't think it helped because your personal business was let out by your sister and this may have also caused you to panic...
As far as Moo is concerned Stuff Her...she never cared in the first place, so why worry about someone you may or never would choose to meet again. Also its about protecting yourself and congratulations to the both of you, you did that...Keep in there...
Take care love astridxxx..
P.S Ermey i couldn't stop laughing at you wanting to push the girl over....ummm a like minded person i have had some terrible thoughts over the years...


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Nix my lovely

So sorry to hear about you being caught in a situation like that. I've been in similar many times too over the years. I am so glad you had your DH there with you though to rescue you. I had a code I used with my DH for any given situation when it was getting too much for me - isn't it amazing the coping strategies we have to come up with?

This moo-thing sounds like a right noo-nar. Fancy her coming up to you and plonking herself infront of you! What the **** was that all about? The stupid pithle-whistling trollope!

Sending you the most ginourmous hug, and the moo a massive two fingered salute of the 'go and stick yer head a bit further up the recesses of your buttocks' kind.

As for your sister telling others about your personal business, I would not be impressed if that were me honey. Perhaps she thought she was doing the right thing, perhaps she did not realise that moo was such a big fat moo-mar because people can be so snidey when they want to know others business.

Anyway, good on you for exiting away from the things that were causing you angst. I think it was the best thing you could have done, I would have done exactly the same myself. And if anyone is offended? Stuff, double stuff and triple stuff them too!

Thinking of you and holding you very close sweetie...

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Coming back to this Nix.....


----------



## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

OK Irisheyes  

For the rest of you fab girls:

PP - Been thinking about the sister thing, I’ve not confronted her atall about this, I think probably it’s because I never really told her about our treatment at the time.  I always involved my mum who’s been an absolute rock and I guess over the years of treatment my 2 sisters & brother have been told at some point about our treatment.  I think I didn’t involve them at the time as some sort of protection for me and them.  I’ve recently involved my brother and one sister from a distance but not the sister involved in this.  I guess people’s curiosity (or just sheer nosiness) is to ask so when I left my previous employer and she still worked there, she was probably questioned about my lack of family to which I know she would have put sympathetically and in no way been nasty.  Being put on the spot I guess she told them (I know, I’m still protecting her).  

Flipper – thank you for your honesty, I did say to DH on Sunday that this is something that’s never going to go away is it, like you, I really thought I’d got over it.  

Gill – My word, you’ve got into my head   – it’s so nice to have people who know what you’re feeling to share these awful experiences, not that I’d wish them on anyone but knowing I’m not alone is a very precious thing, even though it’s heart breaking to know others have been and are going to be put in these situations.  

Astrid – you are like the wise owl to us here.  You’re right my DH   is the best, he just knows me so well and has a sixth sense I think.  There, how lucky am I, lots of families don’t have such a happy relationship so I do count myself lucky on that front.  

Emcee – Yeah!  Why the hell did she do that??!!   Gloating cow!!  You’ve hit the nail right on the head.  

Ladies, you’re all so kind and supportive, thank you so much for taking the time to reply – it’s really really helped me.  I feel so much better for knowing that disappearing from the party was the right thing to do for ME and that my reaction was a normal one. 

Lots of love to you all     
Nix
xx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi Nix,i'm back. I can really empathise with you on 2 levels- the colleague at work and the sister thing.(although in my case it would be mum)

I work with a girl who i have vaguely known since primary school(2 yrs above me but always a bit loud!!!). She went on to be a pe teacher and when i started teaching i discovered her dh worked with my dh. We were invited out to dinner a few times in their company and when we had staff weekends away(which we did when we were younger) i was always wary of her as she would "report back" to her dh as regards who was drunk etc who in turn would keep my dh going.When i just got my job here she was pg with her first child. on a lunch out (dh and i had only been together 2 mths!!!) she asked would i like to have children!!! We had my stepdaughter you see who was then 5.

We got married 3 yrs later when she was  having her 2nd baby and that was all we heard about.At this time tho i suppose we were not yet worried about our tc etc.She and her fertile mates still kept asking on and off when we have a baby.I hated her for it!!! 

Finally in 2005 when we decided to go for iui came the last straw! She decided that since her friend (had been out 3 yrs straight more or less having babies) decided to have one more and got a girl she would just have to have another too(her two boys were now 8 and 5and she swore she didnt want any more) .

Lo and behold she got pg when we were having our final failed iui (although i didnt know til later as i was off 5 weeks having a mini breakdown). I was so annoyed when i came back on the first day of term into new year to hear this and sooo angry!! Why her and not us? Of course she went on to have the girl she wanted too!!!

Then she returned with the baby 4 weeks after she had her(we get 6 mths maternity here in teaching and no-one usually returns til they have to-with or without baby!!!). i felt sick when i saw her in the staffroom and left immediately.I posted about this here at the time. i was also going thru tests for miscarriage at this time too.

Of course she doesnt ask me anymore about babies and thats worse in a way.I pretend we are so busy having our life back now that step daughter is nearly 16 and we can go out a lot.If only she knew the problems that she brings!!! I am so glad i only told 2 people in work that i was having treatment(and one of them was after it all) as i would have hated for her and her gloating mates knowing all my business.

As regards the sister thing i think you should talk to her and say how upset you were. I hate these type of situations myself. I had only told my mum after my iuis which i am glad as i know she discusses me with others. I have had a few big rows with on this point but she thinks she is helping me by telling people so i dont have to!!! NOT! I finally told my sister last year about all our problems and i hope she would be discreet. I would be upset however if she told people especially people who were insensitive and also worked with me.

I hope you feel a little better now Nix- got to this post late i know but just rest assured that you are a wonderful person and she is not!!!! xxx


----------

