# Do you prefer to deal with people who have also had infertility?



## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

Hello,

I'm currently looking at careers and it seems to me that after all of my infertility, that I would be most suitable in a position that deals with infertility. It just seems like a natural choice.

I was just wondering if suffering from infertility mysekf would actually be advantageous or not to other people with infertility seeking support.

For example, I remember once when I was with a nurse and she was saying something about how much of a struggle it must have been for me and how hard infertility is, etc.

I wasn't trying to be rude, but it was an automatic response to ask if she had suffered infertility too.

She said no and she seemed a bit put out.

When I was thinking about it afterwards, I decided that it would be nice if some of the professionals had actually experienced what they expect others to go through - injections, scans, egg collection, etc.

I was just wondering if you agree that the best people to help someone cope with infertility is someone else with infertility, or if it really doesn't matter. Do you gravitate to others in the same situation?

Thanks xx


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## NinjaSparkles (Nov 6, 2012)

Personally I would rather speak to someone who had some idea of what it's like, yes. I've had appointments where the nurse has left me feeling terrible by having no empathy whatsoever and clearly not understanding how emotional a rollercoaster this is.


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## bambibaby12 (Oct 29, 2012)

Hi Louise

I completely agree, whilst everybody I have dealt with so far has been brilliant, I do almost feel that I almost have to down play the way I'm feeling when at the clinic so I don't sound like a complete neurotic mess  
I have almost felt I shouldn't discuss too much with the nurses as whilst I'm sure they've heard it all before it will fall almost on deaf ears. Non IF people just don't get it and I see it more now I've been on this site and the conversations I'm now able to have with ppl on here. I can say things and speak about things I wouldn't dream of speaking to even my best friend about.

So yes, I think it would be perfect for you to work closely with people who are suffering with infertility and I think you are very brave and selfless to even think about doing it,

Good luck hunny and really hope your dreams come true   xxx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

hi louise i think it's a great idea. i always pay more attention to a website or resource on infertility if the person has been through it. 
I have had people treat me who have been obviously awkward around my IF, and you find yourself being uber positive to try and compensate for their uncomfortableness or another who just prattled on about their kids which i thought was just not appropriate as i was highly emotional stimms wreck at the time, and trying to relax while she did my bloods. I would feel more relaxed around someone who had been through it. Lots of luck.. xxx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

i guess the only issue could be that you don;t get a break from IF in your work life ??


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

I agree totally.

I have the opinion, that only women who have gone through infertility can possibly understand what it is like.

X


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

Aw thanks for the opinions and support ladies 

I'm going to book on to a counselling course tomorrow, because that seems like a good place to start and it'd still be handy when I get a better idea on the specifics.

Yogabunny - that's a good point but I don't get a break from it anyway. It might even help to see how much other people struggle all the time xx


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

It's a tough one- I'm a nurse but not in fertility- there is the benefit of knowing or understanding the person's journey but also having to beware that it is their journey, not yours and you can't assume that their path/feelings/treatments or outcome etc will be similar, so sometime a little knowledge  is worse as you will have to put aside your own experiences to be totally objective. Also danger of being their for your own needs and not exclusively theirs, dangers of co- dependency and therapist/ nurses  own need to be needed etc. good supervision for yourself should help you not fall into the pitfalls during the therapeutic relationships. Gd luck with your course hope you enjoy it xxxx


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## jaykay76 (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi, I have lots of friends and some family who find the whole infertility thing awkward, and therefore are not comfortable asking me about it at all. It's a god send for me to find others who have been through similar experience to me, as I feel they are the only ones who could possibly understand. x


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## Littlecat (Aug 5, 2011)

I do think that talking to someone who really gets how it feels but I also agree with JJ1. DH and I had counselling (not really fertility related, just to help us through a difficult patch) a couple of years ago & the first counsellor we saw massively over-identified with our situation. Once she found out we had been together since our teens, she pushed quite hard for us to split up - later explaining that she and her ex had got together very young so she knew that these relationships stifle you. She couldn't separate us from her.

My mum was a counsellor for many years (and later taught on courses) and she always said that while experience of difficult issues is a good thing, you should have dealt with them for yourself first. If it's still raw, then it will be (like in the above case) hard to keep yourself and them separate. 

Also, for me, while I find it easiest to talk to a friend who is going through infertility issues (although in her case it's because she is gay, rather than actually infertile), the hardest person to talk to was a friend who felt she was because she wasn't pregnant again 12 months after giving birth to her first child. She was genuinely, seriously, upset but I struggled to support her. Could you support people who, you felt, were having a relatively easy journey?


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## babydreams09 (Oct 4, 2009)

Think it would be fab to deal with someone who had experienced infertility but not with someone who has preset ideas about donor (having read some of your opinions before they were removed by moderators).  Think that the person needs to be completely unbiased before helping anyone else.


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## katehe (Mar 27, 2011)

My personal view is that you have to be healed and moved on from your own journey before you can truly support others. The fact that I still get rushes of jealousy of others situation tells me that I am not quite there Yet. 
On the whole though, I do think it could be beneficial - I saw a grief counsellor this time round who worked in hospices and she was by far the best x


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

I'd agree with JJ1 and Babydreams09. I don't think experiencing IF means you'd necessarily be a natural fit for working with people with IF issues.


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

Thanks for the responses 

JJ1 - that is a very good point. My brother is a psychologist and looking into some counselling thing at the moment and he has warned me of the same. It's something that has to be learned like everyone else i suppose. He said that counsellors aren't there to give advice, but to allow other to be able to talk freely without judgement. 

Babydreams - Its funny that you'd say that because i don't have preset ideas about anything. I change my opinion about everything every day and it's all part of trying to get your own head around difficult situations. My feelings change depending on what it looks like i have to deal with, things that are out of my hands. If my hubby says donor, then donors are fab. If my hubby hates the idea of donors, then they suck. I wouldn't hold anyone to their opinions when so many emotions are in play and i can only be honest at that time when opinions are asked for. I don't assume they are correct, but they are valid, whether you or the mods think so or not.

That is something that perhaps you are incapable of understanding because you've never had to. You don't know enough about me or the sitautions that i've supported my friends through, including using donors, to be able to judge me... and show such bias yourself.

Katehe - Yeah, it's hard. I think rushes of jealousy are ok, normal, and easy to confine. Bitterness that stems from jealousy, not so good


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

> If my hubby says donor, then donors are fab. If my hubby hates the idea of donors, then they suck.


 really? i'm also not sure i'd be happy about a counsellor who hadn't formed their own views of the world that didn't change day by day and that weren't dictated by what their husband thought.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

An alternative to being a counsellor is to write. Fiction or non-fiction, whichever suits, informed by your experiences... That way you can help and reach a lot of people but without some of the risks involved in counselling. For a start you can have editors etc help you check the message you are sending out, and because it is slightly less personal to read a book than to sit with a counsellor people can decide for themselves if they want to keep reading. I think learning about counselling is a terrific idea, good luck with the course. However the majority of counsellors take a listening role and direct if experience wouldn't matter either way since they're not there to provide an opinion. i found this frustrating myself years ago when i briefly saw a counsellor, but that is just how it works. 
Another alternative perhaps (having been informed by learning counselling and experiencing IF would be something like a home-help role or life coaching. I have noticed from many many posts i have read on here that people can struggle with practical things after miscarriage which perhaps there is some 'market' for helping with (though obviously not a good idea to exploit people's suffering) but rather than a counselling role (which has a specific definition and obligations) you could help with more straightforward things like helping people get fit again or 'undecorating' an unwanted nursery...things that might be difficult to get help with if the people you needed to deal with could be insensitive. When i miscarried i really wanted to 'travel safely' through the world safe in the knowledge that nobody would 'say the wrong thing' to me and accidentally upset me, if i had wanted someone to eg help clean my house it would have been nice to have it be someone who would help practically without commenting in the wrong way. does that make sense? What about being a personal trainer for people wanting to exercise between cycles etc? it seems hard to get advice about that kind of thing. good luck.


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

Louise


I think the problem is that there are probably a lot of councillors already out there (sorry not trying to be negative), I sew a councillor a couple of years ago and tbh im not sure if seeing someone who has also struggled with IF would have made it any better?  Tbh often councillors dont actually offer any real practical help there there just to listen, my councillor was a young, man so talking about IF issues i thought was going to be hard.  But it was just amazing to have an hour to talk to someone about my issues, poor man   .


Also as someone else has pointed out i think it would be very very emotional and potentially very difficult for you if you hadnt resolved your own issues with IF.  Also how would it work if you did become pregnant, think that would alter the dynamics even further.


Iv often wandered if i could do something to help other woman and men going through IF issues and something i did think of approaching my gps and seeing if i could set up some kind of support group as they must get a fair few referrals to fertility specialists  So they could pass on the information that there is a support group.  But its a bit tricky cos when do you do it?  It wasn't right for me when i was struggling with IF issues myself, but im now totally blessed to be 39 weeks pregnant, but im not sure that would be right either!


I mean it depends what you want from it really, if its a career then i guess that's a bit different but if you just want to act as as a support for other people struggling  like i said above, with support groups or coffee mornings then i think that kind of could be done along side still having treatment.


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Just to wade into the debate, I do think that the most important aspect a counsellor needs is to not be burdened by unresolved feelings around their own issues. 

A few years ago I was working for a charity that dealt with supporting children through grief and loss. At the time I was really enjoying the work, loved helping people (although my role was a little more indirect than actual counselling although, effectively some of what I did was theraputic in nature) and started to think about taking some psychology courses and perhaps go into counselling in some way, maybe grief counselling or infertility counselling. I was really enjoying it - I've always got a personal kick out of helping others - so it seemed like the logical thing to aim for. Then my DH died, very suddenly and traumatically. I have to be honest, after that - and the baggage of unresolved grief I will likely carry around for life - I honestly don't think I could even begin to support anyone else in a similar situation. I struggle to support people in that situation informally, let alone as a professional. Too much "junk" in my attic these days and it's going to take me a lifetime to sort that out.  
Ironically, while I was learning the ropes of my job, I went through some experiential training. While I'd thought I'd resolved my feelings around my infertility (and specifically my m/c) well before that, what I discovered during that training was that I really hadn't. I'm not even sure I have even now.


I think counselling takes a very specific set of skills and there are very few people who are able to take on the mantel of other people's issues and shoulder them without it  having a massive impact on themselves. I think it is natural and normal for us to want to help others - after all, what brings us all together on FF is a need for support and to support others - but peer support is a very different proposition to counselling. They serve different purposes and have different functions. What works for one, may not for another.  
While I think someone who has suffered infertility does have a natural affinity with those suffering from IF, there is also a point that actually sometimes a little distance from the subject matter is not a bad thing. If, for instance, I have no personal reference for infertility, then I cannot judge a persons' decisions. I can only guide them to make the ones that are right for them. Counselling is very much about letting the person talk through their feelings, asking the right questions and not forcing or guiding a person into a path.

On the subject of personal opinions. It's fair to say we all here will have our own formed opinions about things and people. What is right for one is not for another; it is almost impossible to find someone who does not have at least one strong view on one subject. As a counsellor this really should not matter; whatever your opinions or prejudices are, you need to be able to leave them at the door when you enter the counselling session with your client and you need to create a safe and nurturing environment where they will feel able to voice their own thoughts and feelings without fear of disapproval or censure. 

So I would not say don't do it, but I would say give it plenty of thought before you rush into it. 

C~x


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## Nordickat (Feb 6, 2009)

Thanks for starting a really interesting discussion Louise. I hope the replies give you something to think about, it seems to have got lots of us thinking and I like reading other peoples thoughts due to extreme nosiness   


Just to throw my personal experience into the discussion too; I love the idea myself of being able to help others through counselling or home visits, as goldbunny mentioned and for years I´ve been dreaming of doing horticultural therapy, but I know I´m not ready for it and in reality, doubt I ever will be. I find it easy to say the right thing to people when I´m writing it down but face to face and ´under pressure´ is another matter. I don´t sit and think what to write, it just comes flowing out, but at the same time I only come on here when I´m feeling good. I´ve made lots of friends through FF and with some I chat quite often about IF and other stuff too but when we meet in person, I am much more comfortable not talking IF, and I´m someone who is very much at peace with the ´moving on childfree´ process. Thats just me though and I´m a very shy person so it may be my shyness rather than my unresolved sadness that makes it harder in person   


It would be nice to think that something positive could come out of this whole process even if its not a family. Doing the counselling course sounds like a great idea though whether you become a counsellor or not. It might be a real insight into your own mental health as well as helping others. Doing something that feels constructive and that you enjoy is always a good thing.


Good luck, 
Katxxx


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## moo84 (Oct 14, 2011)

Hi Louise,

This thread has made interesting reading! 
I can understand why you would feel that having gone through IF it gives you valuable experience to be able to support someone else going through a similar journey - but I think that is a crucial point: your journey may be SIMILAR to someone else's, but none of us go through all of the SAME things. The way that you might react to a given situation will be different to someone else's, even if on the surface your situation appear similar. So, would you still be able to support that person?
Also, although I completely agree that on a social/ informal level it is lovely, actually probably essential, to speak with people who have been through similar struggles to you, when it comes to dealing with counsellors or health professionals you want to be seen by the people with the best qualifications and professional experience - what affects them in their own personal life is not of my concern!
As a health professional myself I work with people with severe disabilities, I do not feel the fact that I am able bodied makes me any the less empathetic of their situations.
I'm not saying that having been through IF yourself would make you unsuitable for working with people also going through IF, but I think there is a lot more you also need to consider.
Coweyes' idea of the support groups seems like a good idea, but likewise I wouldn't know when the best time to do that would be.

I hope what I have said makes sense, I hope you enjoy the counselling course. Good luck with whatever career path you ultimately choose! x


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## Dudders (Jun 18, 2012)

To be honest it's one of those things that is a nice idea on the surface - in fact I thought about it for a while as I'd really love to help people going through the infertility journey.  But the reality is that without the years of experience in a medical or counselling field, my journey doesn't really qualify me to do anything other than lend an ear to other people in the same boat.  But even then, as Moo84 said, all our situations are actually very different, so a lot of the time I can't really understand how someone else is feeling.

I also think the biggest issue that I see here is how you'd market whatever you plan to do to people - as in how would you tell them that you had experienced fertility issues too?  For me this is an area where I like to be selfish so if a counsellor said to me they'd had a similar experience it would just get my back up as I'd be sitting there thinking, I'm here for me and I don't give a flying fig about you!

The one possible area where I can see that it might be of benefit is in terms of midwifery, so once a pregnancy is achieved it would be nice to be dealing with someone that has a clue how hard you fought to get there and understands that the worry never stops.  It's still a fine line though.

The support groups are a fabulous idea and would be the best way forward that I can see - good luck whatever you choose to do x


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

i'd be interested to know why one of my posts has been removed? and some others it seems.


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## Twinkerbell x (Aug 27, 2009)

Same here GG....


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## Kitty71 (Apr 14, 2010)

Ditto


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

any point in asking for opinions if any that don't agree get deleted?


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## Kitty71 (Apr 14, 2010)

Alas I think not.


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## babydreams09 (Oct 4, 2009)

Me too - I didn't think that there was anything worth removing on here... I've seen a lot worse!


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## DJCJ (May 24, 2007)

I noticed some posts had been removed - I don't get it either - I thought each of those posts made relevant points, based on what the original poster had asked. 
.... just my tuppence worth


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## Caz (Jul 21, 2002)

Posts are removed if they violate policies, including bullying and harassment policies. 
Unfortunately it's not always possible to contact everyone individually when moderating decisions are made, however if anyone needs specific feedback on why their post was removed, please contct me via pm. 

Caz


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## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

Thanks Caz.  

Interesting tho, i don't believe my post was either bullying or harassing. Just giving an honest and direct answer to the original question. This is obviously a virtual community so I don't know the people personally and I can only answer their questions regarding how they come across on here which is what I felt I did. 

Will pm you.

GGx


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## Passenger42 (Jan 27, 2010)

I had to think about this original question and in my opinion you don't have to experience the situation to be compassionate, sensitive to people's feelings and have empathy.


You wouldn't expect a MacMillan nurse to have overcome cancer to have care for cancer patients for example.  I have experienced different types of patient care in relation to IVF and the kindest person I came across ran our local EPU clinic, she was genuinely over the moon for me when I finally got my  heartbeat after my previous failures and had a genuine interest in my journey.


The worse experience I had was with a sonographer who was pretty blunt about my blighted ovum but then again I didn't judge her too much as I imagine it was a very difficult job to do as not all scans end in good news.


I had difficult finding an IVF counsellor so if that is a route you are considering it might be a good choice, however you need to make the client work through there own problems and thought processes rather than tell them your views.  I have a counsellor at present who does a lot of listening and helps to encourage me rather than make judgements, which is great, so I wish you well with your course, Louise.


If I was going to have a change of career and my time again at Uni I wish I had worked harder at science as I would love to become an Embryologist.


Passenger xx


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## Tulipwishes (Nov 20, 2011)

Ten years ago helping others with IF was something I also thought about, at the time I had worked in a Hopital on the labour ward for more than twelve years and I felt I could cope with others talking about IF and babies, but the reality was and still is that I have never been able to talk about my own infertility without getting upset, so I know that being around others in similar situations would be of no help to me and ultimately them. Maybe if I had actually fallen pregnant then I would find it is easier to help others.

I wish you luck though with which ever career path you choose.


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