# Finding this journey so hard today...



## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

We are on our 2nd IVF after 5 IUIs. We are more than a week through this 2ww and I must admit that it is next to impossible to stay hopeful. For the first few days I thought maybe I had some symptoms but now they have disappeared. We are starting to prepare ourselves to accept that I simply can't have anymore children. I must admit that I feel cheated for both our IVFs, the first one-3 poor quality eggs and eventually 1 grade 3 embie to put back with just a slim chance of success. The 2nd IVF although we got 11 eggs we only had 2 ferts and they only reached a 2 cell and a 3 cell by day 3 when they were put back and we were told again that the chances of success were slim. I feel like my body has let me down. The first clinic thought I was pre-menopausal. Maybe they were right? 

There is nothing that can be done for poor quality eggs. DW can't donate to me as her brother is our donor. So if we start trying treatment with her we will have to find a new donor. We don't feel that an unknown donor for a potential second child would be fair when Jacob knows his donor so well. So unless we can find a donor that wants to do it and that we are really happy with then our journey is over. People keep saying-at least you have Jacob-that is true and we feel truely blessed to have him but I must admit, when my family tell us that, we find it does not help. It does not feel like our family is complete but I am starting to realise that we must accept that Jacob is going to be an only child. Sorry for the me post. This journey is just so hard.


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## Attagirl (Jun 28, 2012)

Whilst I am in a very different place, I understand the thought processes. From a medical perspective have you tried all the homeopathic remedies which supposedly aid egg quality? From a psychological perspective, I totally get the absolute love of your existing child but the desperation for another - I think it probably stems from an imprinted view of what your family will be like which you have had for years and which will therefore - if the worst case scenario is true - also take years to overcome. Ending on a tough love approach, my husband is an only child where his mother was one of 6 and desperate for multiple children. She has spent years of her life being miserable as a result of only having one. If you reach the end of the road, let yourself mourn for a while but then snap out of it for the sake of yourself, your relationship and your son. In the meantime, I wish you all the best for a successful result. Having started off my childbearing massively complacent I am coming to the conclusion that all children are a miracle, but sometimes the most amazing miracles happen...I have a friend who had premature menopause at 31 and 18 months later is pregnant with twins!!!


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## BecsW (Jun 14, 2009)

Hi Attagirl,
Thank you for your response. I did do weekly reflexology for some time listened to natal hypnotherapy CDs too and between my 2 IVF cycles I took DHEA but I am not convinced that they helped, although my AMH did increase from below average to average in the two months I took the DHEA so maybe there is something in it? The relaxation was good as it helps put you ino a positive mindframe which must be helpful I reckon.

As for the tough love, that was hard to hear initially but I have given it some thought and think that you are right. Treatment can take over your life and means you can easily lose sight of all the things yuo do have. 

I am grieving a little bit I know that and must allow myself to mourn,
All the best wishes to you, where are you on your journey?
Becs x


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## Attagirl (Jun 28, 2012)

Hi Becs

I have a 20 month old daughter and have been trying to conceive for 7 months now. Being naturally very impatient, especially as my LO was conceived incredibly quickly I had tests done and have discovered that I have a very low AMH though with a normal FSH ( a bit odd). I am now having follicle tracking to figure out if my eggs are actually being released with a view to starting treatment (type to be decided) next month. The thought of not having a second child is to be unthinkable but I would also contemplate adoption...I think it is the most amazing gift to give to a child. Not sure my husband would go for that though. Here's to hoping for another child though. Thinking of you and your journey. 

Attagirl


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