# my worrying is getting worse



## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Hi ladies I need sine advice I've always been a worryer but not as bad as lately I worry over everything and it's getting me down and I think it's annoying partner. I don't know how to stop it I can worry over stupid things without reason and when I worry I can't consentrate and I go in a world of my own you would think my worries are purely fertility problems but I will honastly worry about abything. For instance I've been with my partner 5 years and we've had 3 years of loosing a baby, tubes removed, operation tests etc and we've got through it but I will be sitting there watching tv and I'd suddenly think 'what if he leaves'  what would I do 'what if in many years time he finds someone e les' ' what if he realises just how much he wants a baby of his own abd I can't give it to him' it's so hard to explain but this is taking over a big part of me now I've been waiting to see a councillor but the waiting list is so long I've got to wait. I've got apps on my phone to help but they army. I just wish I had the 'whatever will be will be'.approach on everything instead of just getting a bee in my bonnett and it staying there constantly. My partner said he thinks I'm looking for things toworry about but I'm not I hate worrying but can't help it xx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi tinkerbell, I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this.

To be honest, I could have written your post myself.  I don't think anyone 'on the outside' can ever understand the level of anxiety and self doubt that infertility can bring out in some of us. 

It certainly brings it out in me. I guess I may always have erred on the side of pessimistic but only just so.  Going through this, my dh already having kids with another woman and time running out has, quite frankly, turned me into a bit of a worrying Dragon.  I don't recognize myself anymore and I put my worries into my husband's mouth, I (sometimes) hear only the reply that I feel he is really giving and then brood on it.

I think that recognising this is a massive and brave step forward .  It sounds as though your partner is trying to be supportive and listen to you, after all you have been through an awful lot that would knock even the strongest.  

Talking about anxieties will always be the answer for me, with anyone who will listen but especially your partner.  My dh is a very practical man, he struggles with things that don't exist yet if I don't voice them they get so bad that I eventually explode.

I think that we both wish that we could turn back time and try to be a little more there for each other, even if it was just to share a hug and say that these things are just panic talking and aren't so.

So I want to send you a huge   from a fellow worrier.  I wish that I could offer more but don't brood, talk about how you are feeling and don't let it fester yxxx


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Thankyou so much for your helpful reply. It's good to know I'm not alone. My partner is also a practical man and doesn't worry about things unless he needs to . I also only hear what I want to hear abd dwell alot on it. I sometimes have a worrying moment and kind of expect my partner to know why I'm worrying but when I do tell him he says just stop worrying about it but nothing makes a difference I try to stop my worrying but just can't and when I do find myself happy and unworried such as cleaning and singing along as doing so   I kind of freeze and think why am I singing and acting like I got no worries then back to where I was again. It's so hard for people to understand but glad imnot alone in this   x


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Oh you've hit the nail on the head!  I really do expect my dh to know and understand things that he just can't see, he is very black and white.  Does it exist - no, can we do anything about it - no, then what's the point of worrying?

Funny thing is that when it concerns his children, our dilapidated house or his work then he is a terrible worried.  He just doesn't worry about infertility and our little bean of a baby.  I guess that some people feel that they can't worry over things that are in the ether and aren't really solid.

What you said about stopping with a start when you find yourself happy and relaxed though really rang a bell.  That sounds like grief lovely.  I read a lot about how infertility can trigger the exact same stages as grief.  Having been through both, I do think that this is very true.  I did need a lot of help with getting through this, it is inexcusable that the NHS has such a long waiting list for counsellors.  Can you afford to go private? Xxx


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Your completlet right. I also felt my partner worries more over other things than me and fertility ect. I can't afford to go private as we need to pay for ivf I was told I shouldn't be waiting to long now so hopefully I won't be. It's amazing what we have to go through you've been really helped me and I bigcongratulations on your pregnancy i wish you all the luck xx


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## Tigger99 (Dec 15, 2012)

Hi tinkerbell,

Firstly - you have been through a lot so worrying is understandable. If however you think you are getting into unhelpful negative thought pattern then there are things that can help. Have you thought about counselling or CBT or even learning some meditation techniques. Just an idea...

And following up on Molly's comment - infertility can trigger grief. You need to mourn the children that you haven't had.


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

one thing which helped me (and i can be pretty anxious) was 'thinking things through to the end'. it's not easy when you aren't used to it but it might be worth giving it a shot. 
sometimes when we worry it goes a bit like this:

1)think of a hypothetical or possible situation, however unlikely.
2)imagine feeling stressed, to the point the feeling feels real
3)imagine yourself acting in the most immediate way (fight or flight reflex, usually)
4)imagine other people's reaction to that
5)feel (because by now you are no longer aware you are imagining it) out of control, and at the mercy of the extreme reaction you envisaged, (which was a reaction to your imagined fight/flight reaction...)
6)find yourself SO scared you are now trapped between your body trying to stop you thinking about it, and then thinking about it...yet still only in this most extreme way.

here's an example:
1) i'm angry with someone (example) so i imagine myself going past their house and putting a brick through the window. i don't 'want' to do it,it's not in character, but it is my imagined 'fight' response to my feelings... 
2) i imagine them coming out and chasing me, angry, and then my being scared, out of control, angry...
3) i get hung up between trying not to think about it and obsessing about the possibility...


the 'think it through to the end' technique relies on you pushing your imagination to keep answering the 'question' 'and then what happens?...'

you have to keep doing that until you find your calm place. when you get to 6 in the top list, ask that question... make yourself answer. doesn't matter if the immediate thought isn't 'nice'. you just have to carry on reasoning...

in my example... i work out that they have to phone the police, since if they don't they might worry i might do it again, or, their insurance might not pay...then i work out i will be found guilty and sent to prison (it doesn't matter about accuracy, it's following a long line of thought...) so then i imagine i'm in prison, then i get out, by which time i'm not still angry... maybe theyve moved away...i start to imagine a 'new' situation... once i can visualise a calm ending to the story (even if not a good ending) i can now stop feeling so stressed and worried. Now i can ask myself 'how can i change this situation' and the obvious one in my example is 'don't throw the brick'. 

so now when i imagine myself outside the house angry, instead of imagining me doing crazy action, i imagine myself aware of the whole chain of events right up to the calm ending. Now i'm in a situation where i can think 'ok, that would be stupid, i wouldn't do that because...' and now i can stop worrying about that situation happening. but the key part, the important bit, is pushing past the 'omg X will happen stage... keep going... 'and then what happens'....even if the end point is 'and the world ends, and we're all dust'....doesn't matter as long as it becomes a calm ending...once you feel the calm you can see how to stop that storyline happening. 

hope i explained that ok. it's the middle of the night. x


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

Thankyou for your responses.

Gold bunny you explained that really well and it's a fantastic idea so I will defiantly give that a go thankyou 

Trigger when I had my counselling interview to see what step would be best for me and they only said counselling I suggested behavioural theropy but they declined and told me all my thoughts are from not talking about my infertility etc. But I've got a app on my phone which has a diary to write my feelings on and it has meditation audios etc just to help me untill my councelling sessions so hopefully they'll help


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