# New poster: Terrified to adopt-very emotional!



## MaLarkinwannabe (Dec 23, 2011)

Hi all

I'm new here, this is my first post, a little nervous. Don't really know where to start really...here goes....I have a two year old little girl that after the labour I haemorrhaged so badly that I needed to have an emergency hysterectomy. I didn't know until I woke up in ITU 3 days later!

My husband and I have talked about adoption many times before but obviously now the reason to do it is more necessity that any moral will. I filled out the form of interest, waited what seemed like forever to get a call back and spoke to a sw who spent all the phone call putting me off!  She warned me about the huge likelihood of breakdown as I had a toddler and how it could effect her (which I found scary). She told me they were under resourced and under staffed and because of this it would take about 2 years or more to go through. She was very offish really and it seemed to keep coming back to our already having a little girl. I found this pretty heart-breaking as we have considered a surrogate but the thought of another woman carrying my baby would be awful. I had to go through the whole sordid story with her because as she put it "couples who have gone through IVF can be a nightmare!" I got off the phone and just saw my dream getting further further away.

We own our own home, I'm a stay-at-home mum, we've been together 10 years, we live in a beautiful area, we have experience of working with children....blah blah but they said that we'd be unlikely to be chosen because of her age. When I said it sounded like having a BC at all seemed like a problem she pussyfooted round an obvious "YES".

I cried and I found the whole thing painful really, but I'm desperate. I feel empty. Before anyone says it, I know I'm lucky to have my little girl (people are always telling me that) but having her has only made me realize what being a parent is, and I love it so much and she's growing bigger every day and is needing me less and less. Like I say to people sometimes ignorance IS bliss. When we thought we were infertile (it take 4 years to conceive) we resided ourselves to it eventually and planned an alternative life. But now I have her it's a kind of cruel tease knowing she's all I have in the world. It's hard to understand unless you've been there really. I've been on both sides of the fence.

Should we go for it? I don't know anyone who has been through the process so would really appreciate some opinions/thoughts/experiences...whatever.

Thanks in advance!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Malarkingwannabe
Big hugs as it sounds like you have been through it!!
Although I've had a great experience with SWs, I have heard that some
Try and put barriers in place or put you off slightly! I can't
help you as much  re adoption with BC but many people have and don't see that bring a barrier
Per se as I'm awaiting to be approved!

Wishing you lots of luck and best wishes to get through this
Hugs
Gertie x x


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## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hi
Could you call other Local Authorities? 
When I started calling the LA around us, some of them were awful on the phone, so it's worth having a look around and go with the one you feel happy with. 
Hope you find a good one


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## Duckling (Oct 5, 2009)

Hi, please don't be terrified (though I was!  ). I have heard lots of stories about awkward agencies who try to put people off. I think it's a good idea to ring around, including outside your area, until you find someone positive. I've found that you have to be persistent and not give up. I was only telling dh today how much I think my confidence has grown since we started this. You have to be stubborn I think. There were two couples in our prep group who already had children, so it doesn't have to be an issue. Wishing you lots of luck.
Duckling x


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## racheypache13 (Jan 8, 2011)

Hi,
We have a birth daughter who is 5 and we are part way through our home study. After the prep course, the social worker talked to us (negatively) about the added 'issue' of how the adoption would impact on our BD and I actually said 'Can it work?' and she said 'Yes, of course it can as long as you and your daughter are prepared'. We were told BD is about the right age but we have been going through process for a year already and to have as bigger age gap as possible between BC and AC. 
I know we're not through it yet but I know 2 families who have a BC and an AC and they are very happy. I agree with others to consider other authorities or even try same one again and ask to speak to someone else, she might have been having a bad day! 
We are very excited to complete our family and know what you mean about 'being grateful for BC' but we know we want another child. 
Please PM me if you need to. SO far my advice would be go for it!
Racheypache


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## PEJ (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, 
I am so sorry to hear the negative response you have had. 
My advise from my experience of social workers, agencies and different LA's is to not listen to all negativity and opinions. If you know that your family of 3 can provide a loving home to an adopted child then do it and follow your dream. My Dh and I started our adoption journey with an agency. Our SW was negative towards us both being self-emplyed and also tried to talk us into having a sperm donor!! We did not feel comfortable with her and we both found the experience negative which temporarily made us put our dream of adoption on hold. We then withdrew our application and applied through our local LA. Our current SW is amazing, positive and understanding. Stick with what you believe and know what you can do. It can be hard but you need to stay strong in yourself. 
Good Luck  
xx


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## MaLarkinwannabe (Dec 23, 2011)

Thank you so much for your replies! I've been hovering around reading and reading and this is the most fascinating forum I've ever been on! My other half and I are giving it alot of thought. One of the best threads I've read is the one asking if you've decided not to proceed, that's given us so much information it's unreal!

I think we will go forward with this but after researching a bit on here I think it would be best to wait for a bit. The hysterectomy is all still a bit raw to both of us really and my nearly dying in front on my OH still haunts him so I think a lot of healing needs to go on before we go forward anyway. I've decided I'm going to read and research, talk to people and then start on the road in future. The one thing that does bother me a little is I was one of the children that ended up in foster care when I was little due to neglect from the age of 5. My upbringing was a bit of a nightmare and I'm a little worried that will go against me. I really think it could help as it's one of the reasons we wanted to adopt years before I fell pregnant as I wanted to 'save' a child from a similar fate that I'd been through and I understand exactly how a child who's been through that feels! But I'm not sure. It wasn't official state fostering my mother just dumped me at the door of a women she knew who was a foster carer/friend and I stayed there sometimes months at a time. So this said there is no horrific record of abuse or anything they could find out.  But I am having counselling at the moment for it and obviously all the other stuff! LOL I sound like a right wreck! I'm not! 

I'm pretty philosophical about things and that helps. I've had reactive depression since the hysterectomy which I'm on medication for and I understand that's a major issue. But you get through it, people have been through worse. I've been to the school of hard knocks and my god it makes you strong!

Anyway. I will continue to roam around on here, I love people's stories!

Thanks for your advice.
Taniaxx


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

MaLarkinwannabe said:


> Before anyone says it, I know I'm lucky to have my little girl (people are always telling me that) but having her has only made me realize what being a parent is, and I love it so much and she's growing bigger every day and is needing me less and less.


Hi MaLarkin,

She's only 2 - she needs you entirely. My niece is 15, and my sister has only just started to comment that she needs her less and less. You've a good few years yet before you're surplus to requirement 

Good luck with it all, giving it a great deal of thought is vital in preparation and you are doing just that.

D x


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## Poochie1111 (Apr 26, 2009)

Hi MaLarkin


Sorry you've had such a bad first experience.  I know they have to paint a realistic picture but they shouldn't be doing it in a way that's puts you off. I'm assuming it's with your local authority?  It sounds like that if they are putting barriers in place with you now, then they may not be the right agency for you.  Like everyone has said, ring around and talk to the other local ones as you may just get a different response from them.  At the end of the day, you get to choose who you go with and you've got to feel comfortable with them from the off set, and it doesn't sound like this agency is doing themselves any favours. 


I know our agency ensures that there is a four year gap between children, but I'm sure they are all slightly different. 


Good luck x


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