# Second failed ivf in hope of sibling



## Hevlaw (Apr 4, 2013)

Hi everyone, I'm new to this, and don't understand all the abbreviations, you all use, so bear with me!!
We had our wonderful son, who is three this week, with ivf, donor sperm.  It worked first time, all easy peasy really.  We knew we were lucky, but are only just now realising how lucky.
My husband and I were not ready for another baby before last year, and decided to do a cycle of ivf with the same donor sperm in January.  I was dreading it, dreading it being negative, and dealing with ivf and a toddler.  It was a bad cycle, I had a cyst which they drained at baseline scan, then a week after stimulation, the cyst was back, double the size and I only had one follicle growing.  Anyway, in the end we had 9 eggs, 6 fertilised and we had 2 good embryos put back, but for whatever reason I did not get pregnant.  It was awful, but I knew I wasn't pregnant 5 days before test day, so on that day it was a relief really to stop everyone around me telling me to be positive.  I know my body, and I just knew it hadn't worked.  I surprised myself by wanting to get straight back on the horse, and the clinic agreed that I could do another cycle immediately.
I had two endometrial scratches to help with implantation, and we started our second cycle in march.  This time it went well, but then we only had 5 eggs, 3 fertilised and the embryos weren't too good.  I had one 7 cells, one 5 cell and one 3 cell, but all with fragmentation.  Two were put back and I still felt really positive.  I coped really well in the 2ww, I was absolutely convinced I was pregnant. This time last week, I felt pregnant, I was so sure.
Test day was Wednesday (3rd) and I could not believe it was negative.
I feel like I'm falling apart, I just want to curl up in bed all day, in the dark and cry.  If it wasn't for my son, I would do just that.  Luckily, hubby has been off work so he has done a lot of the childcare, but even so, it's not fair on my son to see mummy crying so much (although we have told him why - good opportunity to start the whole 'where you came from' chat!). 
We are very lucky in that my husbands parents have said they will pay for three cycles for us, but at the moment I cannot bring myself to even consider doing another cycle....how do I go into a third cycle knowing that it is my last attempt? How do I stay relaxed and calm about it, knowing that this is really it, if it doesn't work, our journey is over? My husband has said it is up to me, if and when we do another cycle, but I'm over 36, my AMH is 0.7 so I know that time is not on my side.
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.  We can't afford a holiday yet this year, and I now have to go through October and December thinking that I should have been having a baby.  The earliest I would consider doing another cycle is July, but then if it doesn't work, I have to get through until April next year thinking I should have been having a baby.  
Part of me wants to 'get it over with' so that if I have to face the fact I will not have another baby, I can come to terms with this and get on with life sooner. But the other part of me can't bear the thought of it and doesn't know how I will cope.
Family and friends tell us we're lucky to have our son, which we are (and these two failed cycles make me realise just how much of a miracle he is) but my husband and I want a sibling for our son more than for us.  I don't want him to be an only child, not only because I value my sibling, but because of him having to deal with the fact he came into the world with donor sperm, it would be good for him to have a sibling to go through that with.
To top it all, I'm a community midwife and I can't face work. Luckily my team and my manager are really understanding, but it means that being off work I haven't even got that for distraction, but I can't face pregnant women moaning, or telling me they didn't even want to be pregnant, or that they already have children in care etc etc.  funny, I can cope better with the new babies, but it's pregnant women.  I loved being pregnant, really loved it and I have this raging jealousy that I don't know how to deal with.
Anyway, enough of my ramblings, I just hope there is someone out there who understands!


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