# Sometimes I just want to cry...



## Louplou_22 (Feb 11, 2009)

Hello lovely ladies

I am not really sure where I fit in on FF now so thought I would post here and see where it gets me...

Just as a little background, I am 34 and I have a beautiful and amazing daughter, conceived naturally and born by emergency c section in December 2009. They also removed a (giant) cyst from my ovary whilst doing my section (as if I didn't have enough going on having given birth   ) It had taken us 2 years to fall, having suffered from ovarian cysts of varying shapes and sizes, and then I fell 2 months in a row, miscarrying the first very early. Having fallen 2 months in a row previously, when we decided to start trying for #2 when DD was 6 months, I fell in to the trap of believing that it would be easy!! Ha! Didn't realise how wrong I could be!

After I started to get abdominal pains I went back to docs. I was sent for a scan, referred back to consultant etc and eventually ended up with a laparoscopy in July this year with a suspected ovarian cyst. What the lap actually revealed was (aside from having no cyst!) that both my tubes were blocked and that my left ovary was polycystic. They managed to poke about with the right tube and say that that one is slow moving but working but the left one is totally blocked. We have been given until January to try on our own and then we are back to the sub-fertility clinic (NHS), but guess we will then need to go straight to a private clinic as we have DD. 

AF has just arrived for a very depressing 18th month in a row without the sniff of a pregnancy and I now feel so upset and scared that it just isn't going to happen again. I also feel an incredible sense of guilt that DD should be enough for me - I really believed that the desperation I felt when I was trying for DD would disappear but if anything, I think I feel worse about it this time and I don't really understand why. This has all been made worse today by the fact that I am pretty certain that the woman I share an office with pregnant. For some reason this in particular makes me feel so utterly useless.   

I'm not really sure what I need in response to this - I think it will just help to get my thoughts down. I would like to join a 'thread' but don't know where I belong.... any suggestions? 

Thanks for taking the time to read

Lou x


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## Smurf2 (Mar 4, 2011)

Hi lou

Sorry to hear about your journey - it is so frustrating when you know you've managed pregnancy before and now it seems so difficult.  You may find the secondary infertility board is somewhere you want to post.

I sometimes seem to span across a number of the boards - i have low ovarian reserve and have been pursuing donor eggs, and i already have a son conceived naturally.

I agree it is horrible to have that sense of dread when you hear or suspect other pregnancies are happening.  You just have to take care of yourself the best you can.  I've cried lots over the last year or so - sometimes prompted by my own situation, sometimes envious of others.  Unfortunately, i think it is normal to feel this way - so you shouldn't punish yourself or feel guilty about the emotions you do feel.


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## KG (Jan 13, 2007)

Hi, just wanted to send you a big hug and say most of us have had similar feelings whilst ttc no2. Why not pop on the TTC no2 thread in this section? I know the lovely ladies on there will know exactly how you feel - the thread has been invaluable to me over the past couple of years.

Kx


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