# 'Known' donor vs. unknown donor



## karen2205 (Nov 17, 2009)

Still thinking (and having my thinking complicated a lot by it being Christmas!) and trying to work out whether I should:

(a) find a 'known' donor on the internet [whenever I hear the term 'known donor' I always think of a friend of a friend, rather than a random person found online] and spend some time discussing expectations and writing down our understanding of what the relationship between child and donor would be or;

(b) go to a fertility clinic and use properly donated sperm from a donor my child would only be able to contact when they're 18.

Pros of (a)
Cheap
Child can meet donor, know who he is

Cons of (a)
People on the internet might not be being truthful about who they are/what they want. I'm likely to need to invite this man into my home and that's scary. 
Family Court involvement if we end up having a significant disagreement over how much contact/involvement he should have. 
Donor having HIV/other STD and passing it on

Pros of (b)
Less danger of Family Court involvement
Less danger to me of meeting someone who wishes me harm.

Cons of (b)
Expense
Medicalised procedures, with likely fatphobia and need to take time off work to attend 
Child can't know donor's identity until s/he is 18.

I don't have any convenient male friends/friends-of-friends I'd feel comfortable asking.

Can anyone think of other factors I should be considering? How did any of you who've made this choice make up your mind? Anything else you want to tell me?


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## bingbong (Dec 9, 2008)

Hi Karen,

Just wanted to say hi and that I totally identify with your thinking!!! I have been thinking about using a KD found through an internet site or going to Reprofit for IUI (where I would be using anonymous donor sperm). 

The cheap aspect is very appealing but I worry about the saftey of using an internet site to find a donor. Some are co-parenting sites and I personally would steer clear of them because I don't want to co-parent, not with someone I haven't known for a long time. I have heard of people who have used these sites with success, but also of others who found that the donor wanted to do natural insemination rather than AI. I think that you would have to make it really clear from the start that you would want natural insem (unless you don't mind obviously). I also think that if I did that I wouldn't tell them anything about myself, or the bare minimum so that they couldn't trace me in the future. I also worry about STI's and the trust issue.

It's a hard one and maybe you could try a register with a website and see how that goes and if it doesn't work out go for IUI at a clinic. Have a look at the LGBT board as they use the donor websites a fair bit I believe.

Good luck and keep us posted on what you do, there are just so many decisions to make in this game



Bingbong x


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hi Karen

Totally understand your thought process. I started off really wanting a known donor, ideally a friend who would be around and involved and who crucially the child would have access to. No one really came to mind, a couple of my male friends talked about it but they all want to have their children in the relationship they are in or hope to be in.  I then started talking to a friend of a friend, lovely gay guy who already donated in a clinic, but as we talked he started to think more about being a parent and as I didn't know him that well, I wasn't sure about parenting and it made me realise that maybe an ID release donor was the cleanest option for me, and then that started to make most sense. It will never be totally ideal as the child won't be able to trace their genetics until they are 18, and then they may not find any answers, but for me I liked the idea that should I meet Mr Right in the future then I wouldn't have the baggage of an ex and parental rights to deal with...obviously there would be different baggage  

I thought about the internet route but that seemed a bit scary for me. I couldn't get my head around why men would want to do that, surely if they wanted to donate they would go to a clinic and do it that way...hmmm...just my thinking...and I'm sure there are success stories of this.

Good luck with your thinking.
xx


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## estella (Nov 1, 2009)

My thoughts are that it is cleaner and more straightforward using a donor from a clinic. I guess I felt very private about this whole thing and the thoughts of the suggestion of 'natural insemination' with someone from the internet didn't appeal.

I can see your thought process but it could really complicate things for you later on (just my opinion)

I chose ESB but Cryos and Xytec are other good options.

If cost is a factor you can use anonymous sperm from Reprofit very inexpensively.

Investigate both but go with your gut!!

E xx


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## NatGamble (Mar 1, 2007)

Hi there

Do factor in the legal issues in making your decision too. The implications are quite different according to whether you have a clinic or known donor, and it's well worth exploring your position and how you feel about the greater potential legal uncertainty that known donation brings, and whether you feel that's worth the advantages. There's loads of free information on our website about the legal stuff on both sides (see http://www.gambleandghevaert.com/page/Single-women/8/).

Hope you manage to settle your thoughts, and best of luck.

Natalie
[email protected]


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## Jammy J (Sep 28, 2009)

Hi all, 

I just thought I would jump in here as I am also having the same decisions to make... it can all be quite mind boggling so it helps to discuss with friends on here!

I think my thoughts are what with Estella has said, investigate all options but then go with your gut feeling, it has to feel right at the end of the day.
For me, even though it's expensive I am going to try ESB.

Good luck all JAH


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## MistyLake (Jul 7, 2008)

Hi,

Just thought that I would add my thoughts and experience to this discussion. I started with IUI, had seven cycles, one drug assisted and had no success. I then had a sexual encounter with a known donor and got pregnant straight away. A factor to bear in mind is age, and how this affects your fertility. The older your eggs are, the less likely they will be fertilised in unnatural circumstances. What ever your age, I personally do not think your chances of success with fertility treatment are any where near as good as with actual sex. Think of all the factors which fertility treatment by passes, for example you are less likely to ovulate if there is no man involved, there will inevitably be lots of enzymatic reactions between vaginal secretions and sperm etc which make it more likely that you will conceive, the sperm will be in a natural environment, not have been washed, frozen and then defrosted and inseminated unnaturally in an unexcited female. ETC. What ever the clinics says about success rates, they will be higher when natural processes and preferably an attractive man are involved.

Just food for thought....

I am lucky because I had a handful of male friends who were prepared to donate. With time it became clearer and clearer which one was the safest bet...The guy I chose has proven to be ideal so far....


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

MistyLake - I agree with you.  There appears to be many more natural BFPs for women in their 40s.

Unfortunately, we're not all as lucky as you to have a "handful of men who are prepared to donate"   and I would not be happy to just go out and do it with a stranger (might change my mind after a few cycles  )

Brilliant that you got your LO and even better that the donor you chose was a goodun   

Cheers
GIA Too xx


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## sweet1 (Oct 5, 2008)

what I wouldn't give to have done it the natural way!

in my heart I probably would agree with you Misty, plus the fact that you don't have to pay hundreds, maybe thousands, each time you get jiggy and that with an attractive bloke it is also a lot more fun.

But life hasn't dealt me those cards as yet, so I am doing what I can and just hoping for the best. I think we are all hoping against the odds a little but it is heartening to see so many BFP's and babies among us which is proof that it can, and does work the 'unnatural' way, from time to time.

SA x


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Must say - my experience was the opposite. I tried the natural way for a loooong time and never got lucky so who knows


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## MistyLake (Jul 7, 2008)

Just to put my 'handful of blokes' comment into perspective...most women would not have looked twice at the blokes I know who were prepared to donate..., and all but the one I chose have serious issues making them non viable in all but the most desperate states!


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## GIAToo (Nov 8, 2009)

Mistylake - you've shattered the illusion now  ....I did have a vision of hot adonis types with perfect manners and totally sane!! As I said, so glad that you chose a good one and made your dream come true


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## Guest (Jan 9, 2010)

As a same sex couple we had no other choice but to use donated sperm. I can think of a few blokes that I would sleep with but I don't think David Tenant would be up for it  . We took the unknown donor clinic route and after looking into other avenues that have been previously discussed, we would never consider anything else because of safety, health and legal issues. There have been no men in our lives that we would consider as a known donor but if there was that would be something we would have discussed but he would have to be a very special and trusted friend. I think any choice of donor has it's positive and negative issues. I often think about what our donor is like and I hope that when the time comes to tell our children, that we deal with it well and that they feel they can be open and honest about their feelings. Good luck in making your decision and bringing a little one into the world xx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

karen2205 said:


> (b) go to a fertility clinic and use properly donated sperm from a donor my child would only be able to contact when they're 18.


For me it was very important to remember that 'would' be able to contact is, in reality, 'might' be able to. Not all donors will make themselves or their whereabouts known. I know there are many people and organisations who don't go along with that viewpoint but it is my personal opinion that it will be the case in the majority. I _do_ understand that some people would rather take the risk and go the clinic route anyway for this reason, but I was happy that using anonymous sperm from aborad was right for my family.

Good luck

LL xx


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