# Advice Please....Feeling really upset about sisters comments



## kathdoug (Jan 10, 2011)

My sister and I are really very close.  She's know for sometime that me and my partner want to have children and she has always said she does not agree with it.  I now suspect that I am pregnant   as I am having all of the related symptoms. 

I just spoke to my sis' over the phone and I told her I am feeling sick.  She said "I hope you're not pregnant".  She said how she does not agree with this at all.  I told her she'll change once she sees the baby etc.  She said she wouldn't and can;t ever see her changing her mind about it.  She said she can only be honest with about her feelings, which I understand, but I only want her to be happy for us.

I am sooo upset by this and have told her that I am upset and that she should be happy for us both as  a couple. 

Has anyone had any close family members being so strongly opposed to your decision to have children?


----------



## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

That does sound incredibly upsetting. 
Your sister sounds very certain about her feelings now, and about not changing her mind. I don't think that you will be able to change it for her, but I think that you are right that it will change in time, and you'll just have to hope that will happen sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, you can't _make _her be happy for you!
My wife's father was appalled at the idea of us having a child (or indeed acknowledging that we had a relationship at all), but once our son arrived he did soften, and actually ended up becoming a loving grandad who couldn't be prouder of his grandson (and the fact that they weren't even blood related got forgotten along the way!). 
As close as you are to your sister, I think that you will have to pull back a bit, for your own self protection. 
I think that the best thing to say is that while she is entitled to hold her views, you would appreciate it if she kept them to herself, out of respect for you (and equally, you'll have to not push her to change her thinking before she's ready). There are plenty of lesbian families happily and successfully raising children together - you can do it too.

Best of luck (and I hope that your symptoms are indeed positive!)


----------



## kathdoug (Jan 10, 2011)

Hi Nismat

I just wanted to say thank you for your kind, helpful reply.

x


----------



## BobbyS (Sep 23, 2010)

Hi Kathdoug

I think Nismat has given you great advice, just wanted to say you are not alone, we have a similar situation. DP's family all know the difficulties we have had/are having TTC. DP's sister has never been comfortable with her being gay because of her religious beliefs (didn't talk to her for a while when she came out). Before Xmas, DP's sister told DP that she thought our difficulties 'were for the best'. DP hasn't spoken to her since. Her family live abroad so she is easy to avoid, I don't know what would happen if she was living up the road or there was usually a lot of contact, so I really feel for you in this situation  

Good luck, I hope it is a BFP for you xx


----------



## Strawbs78 (Jun 3, 2008)

Hi Kath

Just wanted to say I agree 100% with Nismat.. I'd be quite firm if it was my sister in telling her to respect my choices and lifestyle and whilst not coming around to my way of thinking but also not expressing her opinion to me.

I dont have the same issue as you but have a brother (there is always one!!) who hasnt coped re me being gay and all of these years later we speak only when i go home to Oz and there is something on and we are in the same place.. Things have improved enormously in that he will actually acknowledge DW but if Im honest I made the choice when he made it clear how he felt re DW that I would choose the family we were going to create over him and Im completely at peace with it..

not suggesting in any way you do the same just wanted to let you know you are not alone hon..


Hope that helped - sorry rambling a bit!

J x


----------



## single.mummy (Mar 12, 2009)

Hi
This is a hard one, particularly where very close family is involved and it is upsetting.

When I was pregnant with DD my SIL wrote me a letter saying how she did not agree with DP and I having children, that she did not feel it was "fair" on the child etc, she wrote on behalf of my brother as well, though I have never heard it from my brother's mouth that he shared those feelings. He is quiet in that respect and would hate the confrontation. She and my brother are both very religious and these did not help their feelings. (She did stress she had no problem with us being together as that was our choice however the unborn shild did not have a choice!!)

Anyhow, I replied explaining how we felt, how the baby would grow up in a happy, loving family and was being brought into this world by 2 parents who both wanted her very much. I explained how this was in no way an easy process to go through, in fact it had been the hardest process of my life and that this was not something that we were doing on a whim. etc etc

We never spoke face to face about this.

Well this was 3 years ago and since this point DD has been born and my SIL and brother have also had their own DD. They were always very caring to DD however since they have had their own DD they seemed to have softened much more. We see alot more of each other as we like the cousins to get together.

I had never told them I was trying for a baby and so I think it was a great shock to them and I also think they never thought that we would have a family and so when we had a baby before them - and the first grandchild in the family - I think it may have put her nose out of place a bit and maybe she was a little jealous.

I am sorry for rambling, the letter at the time really hit me hard, however over time these things seem to have been pushed aside . Could your sister be envious of you?


----------



## kathdoug (Jan 10, 2011)

Hi

Thank you all for you kind replies.

It looks as though a few of you also have had similar experiences to mine and all seems to have turned out ok in the end  

My sister said recently that she feels 'embarrassed' that we would turn-up to her with a new born baby and her neighbours would see.  She said what would I tell her in-laws!!!  I was totally shocked by this very shallow comment.  

I told her it is non of anybody's business but ours.  She knows how much we want our own children, and she knows how we'd make brilliant parents.  

Both my sister and I are VERY close since our mum passed away 3 years ago.  I don't want this to come between us at all as I love her soo much, but I can't help being hurt by her comments.

Next time I speak to her I will tell her kindly, that although she is entitled to her own comments, but she should keep them to herself.

We also have a older brother and he is totally opposed to our relationship. Her got married a few years ago and he and his wife did not ask me to be a bridesmaid, despite asking my sister. DOn't get me wrong, I was fine about it, but it was the sneaky way they went about it.  
I since then found out from my father (my bro told my father the reason why I had not been asked to be bridesmaid), was that his wife's to be's parents did not want a lesbian being a bridesmaid and that they are totally against same sex relationships etc!!  Hence to say I no longer speak to my brother.  
When my mum died my brothers in-laws came to my mum's funeral and I shook their hands to thank them for coming.  They were hesitant about shaking my hands, as if they were going to get a disease or something.

I expect for members of the public to be homophobic but not close members of my family.  It's so sad really.


----------



## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Oh Kathdoug I am so sorry you are having to go through this at an already stressful time for you & DW. It's just unbelievable how you've been treated & I feel angry for you. 

I really hope everything works out when you have your LO! In the meantime, keep chipping away at them. xx


----------



## katenreb (Oct 3, 2010)

Didn't want to read and run, I all ready had children when I came out to my family, my so called mum thought I should go back to an abusive ex rather than be happy with my girlfriend, my sister who I had been close to agreed. I haven't seen or heard from them in nearly two years but I couldn't be happier. my patner dont have much in the way of family has her dad and brother also dont approve, but we have everything we need in each other. the children are happy to me thats what matters.


----------



## rosypie (Feb 1, 2007)

so sad that people cannot be more accepting, especially to their close ones. things can be different when a child arrives, people's attitudes can soften but you might also find that your attitude goes the other way because it's one thing to tell you they don't approve but it's another to expose your children to that prejudice. that's partly why we told very few people when we were trying for a family. people always want to tell you their opinion don't they and we just didn't want to hear it from anybody.

my siblings were great but my sister's in laws are baptists and were awful to DP at the wedding. they have invited my kids to their house to visit with the cousins and we don't let them go. we are steadfast in that, no way they are going to a house where those attitudes might be expressed. there aren't that many family cross over events but when they are we are very careful about where we sit etc. and this all the more awkward as my mum and the MIL were friends from before the marriage. anyway 5 years on and the MIL has softened considerably. we just got on with living our life in the best way we know how and while not in her face she obviously knows about what we're doing through her grandkids and she has seen that we're just the same as anybody else. her husband is another matter entirely.

i think it's just so important to make it very clear that you don't want to hear it, will not listen to it, and that you won't be exposing your (future) children to it. then your family know exactly where they stand and what their choices are.

it's just so sad and such a waste of time.


----------



## Mish3434 (Dec 14, 2004)

Ladies,

Sorry to jump in but I'm absolutely horrified to see how some of you ladies are being treated, not by strangers but by members of your own families    .  How very sad that these people cannot just accept you for who you are and how you choose to live and who with    .  I don't for one minute think that my need/want for a baby/child was as a so called "straight" lady was anymore felt than your need/want is.  If I had a sister who was a lesbian and my MIL didn't approve it would be her tough luck and I would defend my sister to the hilt!!

I really hope these people get over themselves and understand that what they perceive is right is not necessarily the right way for others     

Praying you all get your dreams as i just know any children born will be totally loved by both their Mummy's and that really is the most important thing in any childs life   

Shelley x


----------



## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

It's so horrible to hear of what people have to go through in their families. We both had some initial negative reaction but both families now are very accepting and supportive, I was terrified to tell my nan - she was the last person to find out as she is very old fashioned but when she wsa eventually told (by my mum as i chickened out) she said men were a waste of time so I was probably doing the right thing      all that worry for nothing!  

I know it's cheesy but the people who matter don't mind, people who mind dont matter thing is how I live my life - you don't like it - you sod off. We don't deserve to be judged for who we love... especially by our own family.


----------

