# New to FF - trying to accept I will never have a child



## Moll73 (Dec 6, 2017)

Hello FF

I am new to this site and wanted to say hello and introduce myself.

I am 44 and have never been pregnant. I married young to someone who had previously had 3 unsuccesful IVF treatments with his ex wife. When we got married he said he wanted kids but we accepted it wouldn't be straightforward. Our only option was ICSI and we simply couldn't afford it. Because he had IVF on NHS previously, I was not eligible. When we could afford it, he said that actually,  he never wanted kids, but didn't say as I probably wouldn't have married him. I stayed with him because he became very ill, but the resentment of not having children stayed with me. I started the process of egg donation at 34 because it seemed it would give me some closure, then I was told I may qualify for a free IVF treatment  as a result - husband refused to agree to even try it. By then I had had years of really resenting him for lying to me about something so important as having kids. Everyone around me got pregnant again and again and it destroyed me. I left him 4 years ago after 22 years together - it sounds awful but I should have done it so much earlier. 

Now I am remarried to a lovely man, who is a few years older than me, but recognised how much a baby meant to me and agreed to reverse his vasectomy and give things a go....I went and got my AMH levels tested first and the results were devastatingly poor. We then went to fertility clinic in the summer who said my only option was egg donation. 

My husband will not agree to this. Whilst I respect his decision, I am finding it pretty devastating. I had a window of about a month when I thought I had a chance to become a mum and it was all seemingly snatched away with the visit to the clinic. My husband's blood test results show that he would have had a reasonable chance of becoming a father via IVF/sperm retrieval which makes me feel even worse.

I am finding it really hard and blaming myself for not freezing my eggs when I had the chance. I blame myself for my body letting us down. My husband is pretty upset too as he didn't manage to have children with his first wife. 

My best friend has just become a granny (again) and not for the first time I am finding myself avoiding her because she simply doesn't understand the concept of infertility and all she talks about is her beautiful grandchildren. In fact, I lost a lot of friends over the years as they announced the happy news because I just couldn't bear being around them with their bumps and their babies.

I would really like to hear from anyone in a similar position and any tips for starting to try to move on?!


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## mo89 (Feb 4, 2016)

Hi. Sorry I am not in the same position, but just wanted to offer some advice. It seems a lot of your life has been taken up with the want to have children but unable, and due to ex husband and now current husband. Do you want to resent him in years to come? Why is his final answer the one that goes? You want the egg donation, he doesnt. Why should he win? This is something you have wanted for so long. And I know I couldnt not be a mum. Its all I want. You have already stayed in a marriage and supported a husband who wasnt on same page as you! Sorry, I know its very opinionated but could you use donor sperm too? I can see why a women maybe wouldnt want egg donor but dont see why the man would have such an issue. I always try to think of my life, if I was on my death bed, what would I be happy about? What would I regret. Xx


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## florenceroxanne (Nov 9, 2015)

Hi, 
I TOTALLY agree with what mo89has just written. 
The "title" of your post is just wrong: you MUST NOT accept you will nver have a child! 
You have been suffering for years, do you want to regret such an important thing for the rest of your life? 
Please talk to your husband again, I can't believe he doesn't accept egg donation IF he knows about your deep sorrow, I just can't believe it.
Parenthood matters more than genetics. You don't have to be blood to be parents.

Then, if he says no, go on by yourself. Remember that a child is FOREVER.

I have a single friend who went to Spain and now has beautiful twins. She s one of the happiest people I know.
Whilst I have other friends who would like to have a baby but are still waiting for Mr Right and are now realizing it's too late, but they don't have the courage to try without a partner. So they start pretending it's not so important, BUT I can see a shadow of sadness in their eyes.
If a woman wants a baby, her desire cannot be deleted.

DON'T LET ANYBODY WALK ALL OVER YOUR DREAMS

Good luck


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Moll73 I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation    Have you had any counselling together at all? Is it something your husband is open to?  I think whatever you decide you're going to need to speak to someone impartial.  I really hope you find the path that's right for you.

Take care

Dory
Xx


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## Tincancat (Mar 19, 2012)

Go for it solo if necessary.  You regretted those 22 years and surely you don't want to let another 22 pass by with someone who can't get his head around donor eggs?  You both need to talk this through. 
TCCx


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## Wishings15 (Mar 27, 2015)

I agree with the other ladies I had 2 rounds of ivf with donor sleep before I met my partner & if he doesn’t want kids I wouldn’t have been with him.

No man is worth giving up your dreams for. Don’t live with any regret. If he doesn’t love you enough then more fool him sweetheart. You sound like a very strong independent women - you got this xx


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

It sounds like u have spent many years compromising what u really want for the sake of  others. 
maybe it's time to start putting yourself first and going after what your heart desires .
Lots of ladies on FF are trying for their first child in their 40s and 50s with donor eggs and embryos 
Xx


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## Moll73 (Dec 6, 2017)

Thank you ladies for replying to my post and making me feel welcome here. 

Deep down I know that what I need to do is actually move on with my life without a baby and that is what I am finding so hard to do - which is why I am posting here to see if anyone can give me any tips on whether they have come to accept their position and how they cope. Only I can take responsibility for the fact I didn't leave that first relationship much sooner and do something about it. And I mentally beat myself up about it regularly, believe me!

My new husband was very clear to me that he felt he was too old to have children when we first met and that he had had the 'snip'. He was also very honest about how much infertility in his previous relationship had destroyed him and left him feeling very isolated (as it does everyone).  I welcomed his honesty and felt 'oh I am too old anyway now - put this behind you!'. It meant the world to me that he changed his mind to agree to try as he knew how much it meant to me, but he personally didn't feel comfortable with egg donor idea previously and still doesn't now.

It's really hard to put it into words so this sounds a bit rambling and makes me sound half hearted about the idea but - Deep down, especially at this point in time (we both lost long term well paid jobs this year to add to the mix!) I don't think it would be right for me personally to have a baby 'at any cost' (in my case egg donation and going solo) at the expense of my wonderful new husband and our marriage.

It's just that the brief glimmer of hope I had when we agreed to try to have a baby of our own just feels like a whole new grief. I know it does for him too, as he allowed himself to get quite excited about the prospect of a baby having 'buried' thoughts of a family for years.

I suppose what I am asking is: (And I am sorry if my first post didn't really say this - I was shaking and crying seeing my situation in black and white!)Are there any ladies out there who have made that decision to not pursue treatment/stop trying/accept that it won't happen for them? What tips do you have for trying (and I know it is trying) to accept how things are and move on without children in your lives? 

P.S. Dory - Yes we are looking at counselling - he is very open to this.

Thank you  for listening.


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## teddy7 (Dec 26, 2009)

I think there is a Moving On thread here somewhere which might help you...somewhere near the bottom.  You could try posting there.  Not sure how active it is though.  Big hugs.  Xx


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## teddy7 (Dec 26, 2009)

Having said that I can only see a thread for Moving On with children. I'm sure there used ot be one for Moving On without children. Perhaps one of the Mods could assist? X


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Moll73  Good luck with the counselling, give yourself time to grief for this too, just because something's the right decision for you doesn't mean it won't be sad for a while too.

Here's a link for the area Moving On for those without children http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=94.0

Dory
Xx


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

Hi Moll
  

I know Dory has given the link for the section within these boards but it may be useful to also consider the website www.gateway-women.com They have a strong online community as well as meet-ups throughout the world. It is specifically for women that don't have children or as their website puts it:



> If you're childless by circumstance, with those circumstances ranging from infertility through to all kinds of situations such as your partner not wanting (more) children, a chronic illness, not being able to find a partner (what is now known as 'social infertility'), not being able to afford having a baby 'on your own' (and not being all that keen about being a solo mother either), thinking you didn't want children and then realising you did, your relationship breaking down during fertility treatments or...


They may be able to provide more specific support about Moving On and deciding not to pursue at all costs.

After our 5th attempt and 1st early miscarriage, my other half wanted to stop. I don't know what I would have done if he insisted. I was lucky in that my other half accepted it was my money and my body and to that extent he would support me. We then both got lucky on our 8th try however by that time I was also considering Moving On and found the website quite interesting.

  
Turia x


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## Laura1122 (Dec 15, 2017)

Hi Moll, I am new to FF and your post does resonate with me. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for four years. We have gone through all the testing and are due to start ICIS for the first time in January. Throughout the four years and particularly in the recent weeks leading up to the clinic giving us our start date, my thoughts have naturally fallen to what if this doesn't work? How many attempts do we try? When do we say enough is enough? Can I live without a child? is my husband enough and our current life enough?

The conclusion I've come too is yes a child would be the best thing ever and if I had a magic wand of course I would fall pregnant immediately. But you know I like my life now and I think about the things I can do if my current life continues as it is. I can re-train as a veterinary nurse, we can go on super duper holidays, spend money on our house, retire when we want too, spend time together. I know this isn't comparable to the dream and what a child can offer but at the moment, being child free is what I know and looking ahead I get strength from the familiarity. This has helped prepare me for the other outcome and I hope the familiarity of your life helps you to also get excited about what could come next.  

The other thing that has helped me is saying aloud to my best friend a week or two ago, that I have been preparing myself for the possibility that I might never be pregnant. It was hard saying it aloud and I did a lot of waffling beforehand but it helps with the acceptance. I've also ghosted a lot of friends with children and that has helped me too.

Going to counselling is a good idea as you can say things aloud to someone, without judgement or it ever coming up again in x-years time like it could with a friend. 

I hope this has helped you? You're not alone and I hope you start to feel excited about what you can do in the future being child-free rather than child-less  xxxx


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