# Feel like I am going crazy today- UPDATE Feeling more positive



## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

I am typing this in tears and trying not to let dd (3) see I am upset. We had dd in 2005 after first iui and have since had 4 failed iui's and one very recent failed ivf ttc no 2 - the only fresh ivf cycle we are having. I have promised dh we will throw in the txt towel if our FET doesn't work in January. I don't hold out much hope for it as we have 2 one day frosties and I can't even imagine them surviving the thaw. As they were frozen on day 1 we have absolutely no idea about quality. I have been back to work (I teach part time) since the bfn and seemed to be doing ok - but today I have fallen to pieces. I want it for dd - I want her to have a sibling so much it hurts. My dh doesn't see it as so important - but at the moment I feel such a failure and a rubbish mother as I can't give her this most natural thing in the world. I know this is irrational - but I am torturing  myself. I feel such a crap mum today as I have no interest in playing and she is just tootling around on her own - and that rubs it in even more and it is a vicious circle. I feel like screaming and dh is home late tonight and I just want to lie in a dark room and sleep. People keep asking when we are going to give her a brother or sister and it is getting hard to say the same old lies. No one knows about our txt except one very close friend of mine - and she is dealing with her sister having cancer and the other day her dad has been diagnosed with very severe bowel and liver cancer and probably hasn't got long to live. I think this has pulled me down too as it is so sad - and I obviously can't talk to her about my relatively unimportant problems. I am so sorry for this me me me post but I think just getting it out might help. I feel so down with what we are going through and we know so many people with illnesses at the moment too (another close friend of dh's has recently been diagnosed with bowel cancer too - but it is at least operable and treatable hopefully). My mum has recently lost her hearing and they think it was a stroke - and my dad is coming to terms with having Parkinson's. You couldn't make it up! I know so many of you are going through worse times than me - and have been ttc a sibling for much longer - and I feel so weak and selfish. I don't mind if nobody reads - I just wanted to talk to someone. Love and luck to you all xx


----------



## BAE (Sep 25, 2007)

Oh hun I'm sorry you are having a [email protected] day.
It's totally understandable that you would want a sibling for your dd. Our ds is only  12 weeks old but my dh has already said he doesn't think he can go through tx again. I'm not so sure and would quite like James to have a brother or sister.
Haven't really got any words of wisdom but you are not a rubbish mother. Everyone is entitled to a bad day and by the sounds of it you have got a lot on your plate. If you can do talk to your dh and let him know how you are feeling.
Don't think I've helped much but do take care  
Love Bev xxx


----------



## agora (Nov 15, 2006)

Hi

I hope typing that out helped.  Just "talking" can do wonders.  In that same vein have you considered counselling?  You are allowed to grieve for a child you very much want and do not yet have.  It sounds as if you have a lot going on in your life as well as treatment  too, which can't be easy .

On a positive note, my daughter is the result of day 1 frozen embies.  The success rate of embryos frozen on day 1 tends to be better.  The quality itself is not always the important factor.  Our embryos were only Grade 2 but my daughter is perfect.  

I don't think you are weak or selfish and you will come out the other side of this.  Infertility is crap and it is only natural to feel down about it.  Hope some hugs help in the meantime   

Agora x


----------



## donn1 (Jan 17, 2006)

hi ach

let it all out, you dont have youre best friend at the mo so we are here, dont feel bad and you are human and sometimes we all have to have OUR time, i know this well as u can see from profile as had bad times and thought i was ok, but for my friends being their then i would be pulling the covers over my head, we are hear for you and please remember that you dont have to be strong all the time and its ok to have youre thoughts right now and not selfish at all


lindsay1


----------



## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

Thank you so much for your kind words.  don't know what I'd do without this site! It is difficult with nobody knowing - dh is a very private person and would hate me to be talking about it. He doesn't even know my best friend knows - but I HAD to have an outlet - as well as FF of course. I have got to pull myself out of this as I' think I'm starting to get depressed - I feel tired constantly and can't be bothered about anything - apart from dd. I have never had depression but I know how it can get hold of you. It is also early days after the bfn (only last weekend) and so I probably should expect to feel like this. The thought of the FET being our last chance is hard to get my head around. I would carry on with ivf - but dh and I discussed this and agreed to stop after 4 iui's and 1 ivf. He wants to get our life back and the cost is crippling too - and I can't go back on my word. I think I'm getting panicky about our time running out. THanks so much again   Agora - great to hear about your one day frostie dd - very reassuring x


----------



## BAE (Sep 25, 2007)

Hi Rach,
glad it helped sharing on here. Do you think you could talk to your GP? With so much going on in your life it is hard to keep going on as normal. Your GP might be able to offer support and advice before you do get depressed. 
 hope you are feeling a bit better today  
love Bev xxx


----------



## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

Thanks Bev. I think I am a little worried about gp in case they say I need to take tablets which could affect txt etc. I feel a bit wrung out today - not a great morning but I feel a little perkier now. It helps that dh is at home today too.
Thanks again, Rachel xx


----------



## BAE (Sep 25, 2007)

Glad you do feel a bit better   I know you wouldn't want to take tablets but just talking to GP or maybe a counsellor for infertility treatment might help. Does your clinic offer a counselling service?
enjoy the day with your DH and DD  
love Bev xxx


----------



## dosaa (Nov 10, 2008)

I totally appreciate how you feel. I have a 5 year old DD and desparatly want to give her a brother or sister. I have just had a failed IVF cycle eggs didn't fertilse and was desparately sad especially like you said watching DD playing by herself whilst I was feeling too upset to give  her attention. It is very hard but we must keep going for that miracle and it's ok to feel desparate for a second I think as it's all relative.

Take care
Ax


----------



## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

Hi - just an update that I am feeling far more positive now. I had to force myself to get out and do stuff - and I teach 2.5 days each week and that has kept my mind busy. As well as being hopeful for our FET (or maybe even a natural miracle?) I am trying to come to terms with Katie possibly being an only child. One thing I am so glad about is that when we started ttc our first child, the child of my dreams is EXACTLY like Katie has turned out. I really wanted a daughter, and she is so beautiful, funny and clever - I am so proud of her. I know she will be fine if our family stays at just the 3 of us - and I do feel blessed. I'm just praying so much that we can give her a sibling. So I am feeling more positive and hope it lasts until after Christmas when we do the FET. Good luck to all of you with your txts, and thanks so much for your support x


----------



## Tinx (Sep 2, 2005)

Hi Rachel

How are things? I have just realised that this has not been updated in a while and yet I have only just read it and I wondered how you are? I am so so sorry about your last bfn. Have you managed to feel stronger? I know what you mean about havin g to come to terms with dd being an only child. We are hoping to have fet in the summer, but I am already panicing and yet also preparing myself incase it is unsuccessful. You are not a terrible mother, you are a wonderful wonderful mother. If you werent you wouldnt care, worry, want another child etc. It is only natural to want a sibling for your precious dd and also only natural to mourn when that dream is not realised. Have you been able to get any counselling?? I am amazed that you have coped so well without having hordes of people to talk to. Especially being a teacher and seeing other children all day, I can relate to that big time!!! Have you thought about homeopathy or acupuncture at all, they also relaly help with grief, depression etc. Seeing a counsellor is in fact very like seeing a therapist as you need to share so much of yourself, and then the remedies on top, its great! I hightly recomend it!!

I cant believe all the people that you know who are having such difficulties, bless you it must be so exhausting. I hope that you are able to find some peace in all this. Keep positive, you do have your wonderful dd, she is the love of your life and only really needs you and dh. I love that you write how proud you are of her, I say that about my dd everyday and know just how you feel.

Take care sweetie and if you get a chance, do let me know how you are xxx

Tinx xxx


----------



## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

Thanks so much Tinx - your dd is gorgeous   ! Well - I am probably going to have FET next week or week after - having a natural cycle and so have to wait for my LH surge. Hoping it doesn't fall on the weekend otherwise it has to be cancelled as they are closed on weekends   . I am almost assuming it won't work - I just can't imagine it! Another thing that has made me feel a little better is that dh says he wants another fresh go - we had agreed not to, even though secretly I would keep going until it worked if we could afford it. So I do have some hope left if this FET fails. Hopefully our 2 one day embies are little fighters! I will let you know how I get on - and all the luck in the world for your next try in the summer. I am feeling more 'stable' - I have been doing hypnosis cd's at night and I think these have helped me feel more positive about life in general. Thanks again for such a lovely message


----------



## Shoe Queen (Feb 28, 2008)

Hi Rach

Just read your post and had to reply as I know exactly what youve been going through.  My dd was also born in 2005 after 2 failed IUI and 2 ICSI.  I thought she would be enough for me but last year found myself desperate for another child, not so much for me but I want to give her a sibling.  We had an FET early last year but unfortunately it failed, I was so desperate I threw myself into another fresh ICSI and was delighted to get a positive result, only it was shortlived as I miscarried at 5 weeks.  Since then I have struggled to get over it and everyday is a battle my dd is the only thing that keeps me going but it is awful when she keeps saying she wants a brother or sister like all her friends.  I ended up having post natal depression and was only diagnosed after dd was a year old, after counselling I found out it was a result of the fertility tx and not being able to tell anyone what I was going through.  I feel myself on that slippery slope again but am trying to remain positive and am currently ttc naturally, however every month that passes is getting harder.  DH and I have now started the adoption ball rolling and hope to have the family we so desperately want by taking a different path.

I really hope your FET works out for you and the best piece of advice is to remain as positive as you can, I know its hard but hopefully you to will get the family you deserve.

Lots of luck

Cath xx


----------



## Rachel2 (Oct 3, 2004)

Thanks Cath. Ruby looks like a little angel! We haven't really discussed adoption as yet - but maybe we will be ready to consider that in the future. Good luck with completing your family   xx


----------



## Tinx (Sep 2, 2005)

HI Rach

Really glad that you are feeling so much stronger. Also what wonderful news that dh is willing to have another fresh go. You certainly have more hope. It is the hope that keeps us all going. It is a hard enough battle let alone the strugle being made worse with little or no hope. Really pleased for you and your family. Praying it all works out one way or another xx

Tinx xx


----------



## Tinx (Sep 2, 2005)

Me again!

Also wanted to say Hi to you too Cath.

I felt terrible when Willow hit the 1 yr milestone, its interesting that many women say that, I wonder if its cos we are still getting rid of all the drugs that are left in our systems? Glad that counselling has helped. I hope that you are able to have a good week this week and find some time for yourself.

Take it easy hon, lol, Tinx xx


----------

