# 3rd time unlucky :(



## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Well, OTD come and gone for my 3rd treatment and my outcome is BFN..... AGAIN.  

It is with a heavy heart that I am posting again on the negative cycle and I can tell you ladies, that this just does not get any easier.

At the moment, I just feel a little numb.

Please bear with me as I feel that I have to have a good old ramble and a good moan.  

My heart is so full of hurt that I really don't know where to start.  I dream each night about something fertility related and during my waking hours, babies and IVF are rarely far from my thoughts.

About 4 and ½ years ago, me and DH started 'trying' for a family.  We had agreed that we would use no contraception again and would happily welcome how ever many little people we could 'squeeze' into the next 5 years.  Oh the innocence and the naïvety of it kind of makes me sigh.  We had no idea what was ahead of us.  If I could go back to the 33 year old me, I think that I would advise myself to expect nothing and if the impossible happens, then be thankful.

I have lost count of the pregnancy tests that I have done over the years and always, always, always I've had that solitary, lonely line staring back at me.  Then I switched to digital and oh yes, just in case there was any misunderstanding, I get the privilege of being told in no uncertain terms, 'Not Pregnant' every single time. I sometimes think that they will start to say to me, 'Do you really think so Dee?'

I've had to lose weight, give up smoking, more of less give up our social lives and most importantly become an expert in 'waiting'.  
Waiting for appointments.  Waiting for referral.  Waiting for treatment start dates.  Waiting for news by the phone on egg maturity, egg fertilisation rates, embryo transfer times, embryo thaw rates. Waiting for the 2WW and then waiting for the HGC call which invariable yields a negative outcome.  

I've endured the drug regimes, the poking and prodding, the injections, the charts, the swollen ovaries, the aches and pains, the egg collections, a hysteroscopy, the transfers and most crushing of all, the BFNs.  With my hand on my heart, I have never, ever moaned or complained about any aspect of any of my treatments.  I gritted my teeth and 'offered it up'.  My thoughts were that all this treatment could only be a drop in the ocean compared to labour.  I really thought that the less I grimaced and moaned, the more likely it would be to work as I would have proved my worthiness.

Funnily enough the word that occurs to me often is 'worthy' and by that I mean what do I have to do to prove that I too am worthy to have the joy of a pregnancy and a healthy baby?  

I really don't mean to cause offence and please believe me when I say that I would never deny any woman their babies, but how is is that some ladies  are blessed on their 1st cycles and others are blessed more than once and I can never even get to the point of 2 lines on a stick.  With all I've endured, I would endure it all a thousand times over is I could have a baby.
Sometimes I wonder, when is it going to be my turn to call my friends and family with good news instead of always being the bearer of negative results. 

Believe it or not, I'm actually quite an upbeat person and already planning my next cycle in September/October, please god, I'm deemed 'worthy' the next time.  

Thanks for reading,

Dee


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## livity k (May 19, 2009)

Hi 
Just sending you a big hug    it isn't easy is it, 

I'm just starting tx 4 and picking yourself up each time does get harder, 

look after yourself, enjoy the sun if you can and give your lovely DH lots of hugs, 

love 

Livity x


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## PaddyGirl (Apr 21, 2010)

Hello Dee

I was so moved when I read your post that I had to respond. I'm so sorry that you have gone through so much without the joy of a BFP so far.  I do understand how you feel, I'm sure all us ladies do, you're certainly not on your own.  It's crushing when it comes back negative isn't it?  I've had two failed ivf's and I was just devasted this last time, can't even start to explain how I felt really... must have gone through every emotion a dozen times over! 

You will soon be back to your old self again, we always pick ourselves up don't we.  As Livity says, enjoy the sun and cuddles with your DH.  Sending you hugs too.... x

You WILL get there. 

Take care sweetie
PaddyGirl xxx


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Good morning ladies,

Thank you for your replies.  It really helps to know that I am not alone.

The sun is shining today and me and DH are going to an afters of a wedding tonight, so looking forward to that.

We have also booked to go back to Ireland next weekend for a family wedding, (which we had said we could not go to because of treatment), but it should be a great weekend. It will be nice to see everyone and should take our minds off things.

Really appreciate the support.

Dee


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## GJT (Aug 20, 2009)

Well Irish Dee  

I had a wee tear in my eye reading your story - I don't want to feel 'sorry for you', but I hear you and I feel for you    It is a lonely end to such an emotional journey, seeing that single blue line. I have never had such an 'empty' feeling before, it's quite an odd emotion, as in a sense as we have lost something that we just 'nearly' had (if that makes sense). I keep saying to myself - this is only your first go, some women have been through alot worse - but to be honest, each journey is as hard as the next, the most important thing is that we can support and guide each other through it.

I have just had my first attempt at IVF, which has failed. In a way I feel a bit of relief, I know that sounds weird, but I now know I must move on to my next journey. I worry if that fails - where do we go from there, when is 'enough enough' so to speak. It's a hard one, but your body and mind will let you know when it has had enough, I'm sure of that. You keep doing what you're doing, stay positive and strong and you will be OK.

It's such a hard road, but we'll make it - what's meant for you will never pass you by, always remember that.

Say a big hello to Ireland for me - an have yourself a nice cool glass of the black stuff. 

Best wishes
GJ


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi GJ,

Thank you so much for you reply.  The feeling of not being alone in this infertility nightmare does give me some comfort.  I wrote this post before we started our 3rd cycle, and I still mean every word of it.  I think it is important to write things down when I'm in a good frame of mind and then revisit it so that I know that I can get through this.

Cheers again,

Dee
***********************************************
It's important to remember.....................

As we embark on our 3rd cycle, I'm going to try to make some sense of the infertility nightmare, I've tried to put down a few thoughts about how I feel about it all.  

Sometimes I get so obsessed about having a baby, I kind of forget the reasons that I wanted one in the first place.  Myself and my DH were chatting about this the other night and we have come to a few realisations.

We are only in this situation because firstly we found each other, fell in love and decided that we would live out our lives together.  We have managed to build ourselves quite a nice life that we hope to share this with a little one.  

I picture myself on our wedding day, before infertility stole effortlessly into our lives and put it's isolating cold hand around our hearts.  We were so happy and I honestly felt like the luckiest woman in the world.  Realistically, we still have what we had that day, each other and the love and happiness we had then.  But sometimes, it seems easier to think about what we don't have....................  

Secondly, we are not looking for a baby to 'fix' us, to make up happy or to give us a distraction from any misery/unhappiness. 

Thirdly, and this one took me some time to realise. At 38, I've always believed that I would love to have a baby, but if it was the most important thing to me, I'd probably have had a baby in my 20's. 

I was 32 when I met my husband and I never, ever considered having a baby when I was by myself. Who knows, if I was single, perhaps I would spend  lot if time on 'Match.com' instead of FF!!!!!!!

More than a baby, I always wanted a family and that is only possible with our lovely husbands/partners. 
We are our own little family and one day we will hold a little hand in ours!!!!

When faced with infertility it sometimes feels that it is the hardest thing in the world.  There are hundreds of thousands of people out there struggling every day with their own demons.  

Even though I sometimes think enviously about friends/family who have children, would I actually swap what I have for what they have?  If I was actually given the choice that I could have a baby, but I would have to make serious changes to my own life, would I do it?  The answer is no.

Most people struggle with something.  Illness, unemployment, a sick parent, a sick child, money worries, lack of understanding, lack of fun, lack of intimacy, lack of love.  I think we often forget that there are more ways than infertility to put a negative impact on our lives.  

I have to believe that one day, our prayers will be answered and we will become parents.  

Every success story that I read on FF has the same message.  Everyone says that as soon as you hold your little one in your arms, the years of pain and heartache just melt away.

If that is the case, I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over.

I only have one life and this is my intention.  I'm going to enjoy mine.  I'm going to enjoy my husband.  I'm going to enjoy my friends.  I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)

I will do all I can, for as long as I can to create a baby, but in the meantime, I'm going to have some FUN!!!

Babydust to all,

Dee


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## caroline9550 (Jun 30, 2007)

Irish Dee

So many points you make I can share with you. We have been trying since the age of 31 (5 & a half years ago).  This is also my 3rd failed cycle and feel so empty and I have a heavy heart. I manged to get to OTD which was yesterday but since coming off the progesterone I have just started to bleed.  I too have done so many tests and had the horrible one line only until last time when I did get a positive but ended in early m/c - not sure I'm over that even now but the pain has eased.

I shed no tears yesterday as I started thinking about how to progress. My eggs have been getting worse (2 poor quality embies acheived this last time) so was thinking along the donor egg option as I think thats what my consultant will advise.  I have been talking to another FF who has told me about going abroad as its much cheaper. After talking this through with DH (he is hurting too) he said he doesn't want to continue as its too painful and we simply don't have any more money.  Now my tears have started to fall as the thought of never carrying a child is unbearable.  Never seems so final and I just can't face that.

Sorry for the poor me attitude but I don't know anyone else who would understand better than you guys.

Caroline


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Caroline,

Massive hugs.  If I could give you any advice, I'd say to leave some time before making any big decision, it is all still so raw.

Dee


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## GJT (Aug 20, 2009)

Thanks for that Dee - my sentiments exactly   I think we need to enjoy what we have in life. I don't want this journey to take over my life as I think it will make me lose track of the wonderful things I already have. I have a fantastic DH, friends and family and a comfortable lifestyle.

Caroline - big    hun. I think Dee is right. Maybe give yourself a wee bit of time to heal. Time is a great healer, just to get your head together before embarking on anything. Infertility unfortunately is out of our control. The only thing we can take control of, is our life outside this journey, so we need a clear head before making any big decisions. I know it's hard, but we'll get through it and come out stronger than ever  

GJ


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## caroline9550 (Jun 30, 2007)

Thanks for kind words Dee and GJT, I really apprecaite it. Just so wanted to be posting happy messages by now.  

Already fell somewhat better today, back to work tomorrow. In laws are visiting tonight (invited themselves but they are travelling on Tues so I forgive their timing).  DH talking much more openly today and not ruling out other options so I think in time we may come to some comprimise


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Irish Dee said:


> Please bear with me as I feel that I have to have a good old ramble and a good moan.


ramble and moan all you like.  all i've ever seen from you is encouragement and support of others, you so deserve to have the same back. i only wish you didn't have to though 

i'm so sorry to read about your BFN, and so wish it had been your turn


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## bethholm (Jan 6, 2009)

My heart goes out to you all. 

We too have just had our 3rd cycle of IVF and had to endure 8 days of being stuck out in Norway where we received our treatment, due to the volcanic ash. I started to spot today, so it's a third BFN for us too. I teach primary kids in a really rough school and constantly see pregnant mothers with 4 or more snotty, dirty nosed children trailing after them. They drink, have casual sex, smoke, do drugs and have a poor diet, and still they have children, again and again and bleat about it. We have tried everything- acupuncture, lymphatic drainage, organic, Chinese medicine, the lot. If someone said that swimming naked in the North Sea 6 times a year would work, I'd do it. I am now 41 (it took me a long time to find the man I wanted to marry and have children with), so time isn't on my side. What breaks my heart is that every time we have had top quality grade A embryos put back in, for them to fail. 
The next step is seeing an immunology/gynaecology bloke next month, then it's back out to Norway in August as we are tied to school holidays. The clock ticks on.

Beth x


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## reb363 (Mar 1, 2009)

Hello everyone

Just wanted to say how I really identified with a lot of what you've said and Dee thanks so much for sharing the reasons to be positive, I found them really inspiring.

I am 6th time unlucky with a BFN today.

Do you mind if I ramble a bit too? I just really need to get some thoughts out and there's not many people I can share it with. If not just whizz to the end and do have a look at the link as I hope it will give you the encouragement to keep going and keep believing.

It was really painful to see the single pink line. My only solace is that if my three embies lovely weren't strong enough to make it then, in some ways, I'm grateful that they didn't implant only to have the pain of losing them a few weeks later. Nothing has been sadder for me than losing our lovely baby at 11 weeks and I just can't imagine the anguish of people that go through when that happens to them a few weeks later. Heartbreaking.

I've always bounced back so well in the past - with energy and optimism for the next cycle - but it really is the end of our IVF journey now and I feel that horrible, claustrophobic terror envelop me at the thought of never being a biological mummy. It was always something I wanted so very much and I have to just blank it for now and think about it in tiny fragments as the enormity of it is too big to face right now.

We tried everything that we could, more times than we should, pleading for just one more go We said we'd only stop when the consultant said there was nothing else he could do - he's a great friend who we knew was fighting hard for us every step of the way. If there was still a tiny chance then I'd grab it with both hands at any cost - but there is no point in putting all my energy into trying to achieve an unrealistic dream and forgetting to appreciate the wonderful things I already have; my DP, friends, family, my job, my health.

Going forwards DP doesn't want to adopt (which will make it impossible anyway) and, as we have donor sperm, ED doesn't feel right either. . I'll keep thinking about that one but I've always struggled with it.

So Dee I really held on to your words _"I don't want to waste a minute of my life worrying and being upset about something that I have absolutely no control over. I only have one life and this is my intention. I'm going to enjoy mine. I'm going to enjoy my husband. I'm going to enjoy my friends. I'm going to enjoy my freedom (even though it is imposed on me!)"_. I'm going to try and do that too; thank you.

Oh and I need to lose some bloody weight - no more excuses. I've put on 1.5 stone with IVF and I'm boring myself banging on about it - I just need to keep away from chocolate cornflake bites and chocolate fingers and stop blaming the steroids.

I hope you don't mind me rambling and I wish you all so much luck for a successful next cycle.     . I read a really good article that you might like too:

http://www.sahlgrenska.gu.se/english/news_and_events/news/News_Detail/Three_IVF_attempts_double_chances.cid902435

It basically shows that if you can stick with IVF, the more times you give it a go the better your chance of success. My consultant did say that almost everyone will get there in the end if they have the mental strength to keep going. This week he had a 45 year old who was 9 times lucky - and has just had gorgeous twins!

Sadly I slip outside that for specific medical reasons which is why we've been advised to stop but for anyone who can keep going read the article and keep the faith - you'll get there.

Love RXX


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## kirst01 (Sep 10, 2009)

Hi

I am having my 3rd tx of ICSI in june this year. I also have had 2 bfn  , having bled 6dp5dt both times. The 1st tx I had 18 eggs, 11 mature and 9 fertilised, 2 blasts put back, and the 2nd tx I chose to share my eggs, so I got 26 eggs-13 for me, 10 mature and 8 fertilised, 2 blasts again put back. It is just to cruel- a girl who I work with was upset and crying cos she hadnt fallen pregnant after 6 weeks of trying- 6 weeks  ...We are coming up to our 6th year..but we can and will all get their in the end


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hello lovely ladies,

How sad to see so many of us who have been through this unforgiving process so many, many times.  

Caroline9550, glad that the avenue of hope has bee opened up again.  It's so hard to make a solid decision when the pain of a negative is raw and like an open wound.  Take some time and together you and DH will decide what is best for the two of you.

Katie C, thanks for the post.  Do you mind if I ask if you are going again?

Bethholm, so sorry about your cycle.  I can only imagine being faced with children day after day after day, and to know in your heart that you could do such a better job than any of them.  Like you I met and married a bit older than my friends, (got married at 34) and sometimes I feel that have 'missed the boat'.  All my friends have children in school and way beyond the baby stage.

Reb363, firstly massive hugs. Sometimes I wonder how life can be so difficult when all we really want is to have a baby.  I can't imagine how it feels to have success on your last cycle and then to have it cruelly snatched away.  I see that this was also your last attempt.  So, so sorry.  I often say to my DH that starting IVF was difficult, but deciding when to finish must be one of the hardest decisions we might ever have to make.  Life is cruel.

Kirst01, wishing you loads and loads of luck on your next attempt.

Wish I had a magic wand to make everything better for everyone, but all I can do is send a virtual hug to all.

Dee
x


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Irish Dee said:


> Katie C, thanks for the post. Do you mind if I ask if you are going again?


i don't mind you asking, and no, we're not...unless some miracle happens and they find a 'cure' for me

we have pretty severe MF, and i have also produced vacuolated eggs both cycles. unfortunately the clinic didn't bother to tell us about this after the first BFN so we went confidently into the second cycle not knowing we had less chance of it working than other couples. so we're pretty disillusioned with our clinic tbh

we have had a second opinion but they haven't really said they can solve this problem...just that they'd try SP and a different drug as LP and the original drug hadn't really done a lot

as i know that chances are our embryos won't make it past day three, or that even if they did, the chance of early MC is that much higher, then we just don't have the strength to create our 'babies' just for them to die 

i don't want anyone else to be put off by this though, this is our unique situation and it doesn't mean other people's third attempts won't be fine 

hopefully in june we will be able to submit our application to adopt though, so not all doom and gloom


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## kirst01 (Sep 10, 2009)

Katie c

I think planning to adopt is very selfless act and takes an amazing person (s) to do so. You obviously have a lot of love to give a child, and I wish you all the luck in the world.  

And hugh   that your treatment wasnt sucessful. It is stressful enough to go through without being told the full facts

xx


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## tinydancer811 (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi ladies,

Hello Reb and GJ, I too have crossed to the other side and join the BFN group    

I wish it were for different circumstances, Dee, but I always enjoy reading what you have to say.  You have a knack for putting it all into words  

Hello to the other lovely ladies, I don't believe we've met yet.  Wish it were for another reason!

Betholm I'm a teacher too.  I'm in a private international school and we have rich parents who don't care (not caring seems to occur across the classes!).  Maids bring up the children and the parents spend no time with them.  It's difficult to watch isn't it?

May I ask how your DH's are taking all this?  Mine has fallen to pieces.  He announced at 8pm he was going to bed, he's been teary and is blaming himself even though the embryologist cleared his sperm 2 weeks ago and said it's fine.  He is looking back to when he was a teenager and very sick and saying that nothing comes easily to him.  I hate seeing him like this.  Just awful.  He's been so positive up until yesterday.  He kept saying "Let's try again" but not today. Poor thing - love him so much.


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Expat,

So sorry to see you on the negative cycle boards.  It just does not get any easier.  Massive hugs to you and your DH.  It must be so distressing to see your DH being so upset.  Mine is the strong, silent type and for the majority, my mood dictates how he reacts to me, (if that makes sense).  If I'm having a bad day, I get extra hugs and if I'm having a good day, he keeps upbeat.

Well, I have my review appointment tomorrow, so will hopefully get an idea for dates for the next (and hopefully my last ever) cycle.

Dee
x


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## tinydancer811 (Jan 25, 2010)

Oooh good luck for the review appt Dee! 

Would you be able to let me know what your Dr says?  Not because I'm being nosy but because I'm doing my treatment in Malaysia (where I live) in a great hospital BUT my Dr is an OBGYN who only has 12 IVF patients.  He gave me some ideas as to why nothing had worked so far, but wasn't exactly being thorough. I hear other people get all sorts of tests.  Have you been offered tests?  Or had tests in the past?

Sorry, so many questions!!!!

It's not nice to be on the negative cycle board, but at least there are lots of nice people to hang out with!


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Expat,

Unfortunately my review did not turn up any big answers.  My consultant said that we were 'unlucky' and that it is such a numbers game that you have to play the odds until your number comes up.  I have not been offered any further tests, but hopefully will start my fresh cycle in August.

Best of luck,

Dee


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## tinydancer811 (Jan 25, 2010)

Oh OK.  Funnily enough I could cope with being told it was a numbers game.....I think.  

I didn't cope well the other day when he said maybe I have a poor quality lining as I can't do anything about that!!  If he said "Not sure, try again", I probably would have been OK with that.  Instead he said "[email protected]  This should have worked." That was worse!!


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