# In the same boat?



## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Hello. So this is my first time on here and for the last 2 weeks I've been really trying to avoid thinking about TTC due to many of our closest friend's and family's pregnancy announcements and the turn up of AF an unusual week late. After the initial tears of 'why not us? and psyching myself up to take a pregnancy test (didn't have to AF arrived 2 mins before I was going to bite the bullet, a blessing I suppose) I sorted myself out and focused on being happy for those lovely people but I just feel sharing in their journey is going to make mine that little bit harder to bare.
On April 2nd DH is having SSR - PESSA first (hopefully they get some) then TESSA if no sperm is found. By the 5th we will know if we have viable sperm to continue to the next stage which will be ICSI with us taking part in the egg sharing program with me as a donor. DH has had his screening tests and I have had my AMH taken a little under 2 weeks ago so we're still waiting to hear our results. 
Its taken us a while to get to this point as we've been too scared to go down this route - this sounds silly so I will explain. DH has a child from his previous marriage, after him came many miscarriages, a neonatal death, reduced sperm count result, 2 attempts using sperm donor then marriage break up. Obviously a horrible journey for both of them and all in very quick succession. 
DH never fully remembered/understood or blocked out most of the information from his results and experience other than he is infertile. Since being together we've been praying for a miracle whilst looking into adoption or fostering thinking they were our only options. Months rolled on and no miracle, applications to adoption agencies seemed to come to dead ends for different reasons. Then in January we bit the 'we need to know' bullet and revisited DH's consultant urologist (treated him during previous marriage) and were given hope!!!!! 
Diagnosis: obstructive azoospermia with 75% chance of retrieving sperm via SSR! 
We are choosing to egg share - I'm not going to lie - because financially we're struggling and after researching sharer's and recipients experiences it seems a wonderful thing to do. But I am going a little crazy and I'm desperately trying to not let this take over my life, I really don't want to become baby obsessed as I'm scared of the strain it will put on our marriage. I know 1 person who has been through IVF and I feel a little isolated from my friends with bumps or children as they don't get it and I feel I bore everyone else if I talk about it. So help, advice, shared experience would be such a welcome support as I feel I do DH head in or upset him. Plus I feel to scared to hope in case it doesn't work and I have to face my friends big bumps and all I have is a BFN. 
Man that was long. Sorry.


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi Bemy,
I'm new to the forums too, I am in a slightly different position, but can definitely identify with your feelings of wanting to speak to someone else rather than boring my friends (as wonderful as they are, never been through the same situation and have kids).  I used to take every single pregnancy that was announced really badly - especially the "we weren't expecting it" ones.... It's so easy to conceive!? It's not fair, etc etc, but I'm managing better now.

My DH has Azoospermia, so we are taking the route of IVF with donor sperm.  I would gladly donate my eggs, as I would like to be able to help someone who is in a similar position as us, but they won't accept me because of my weight (and that's why we couldn't get treatment on the NHS too - damn weight!)  

We went for our initial consultation last week and now waiting to get the ball rolling - blood tests and choosing the donor, then onto the meds for IVF.  Are you waiting for your blood tests from the initial tests? Two weeks seems like an age!... I need to learn a lot of patience in all this!
I'm a little nervous too, but keep thinking back to our consultants parting advice to us - "stay calm and don't stress, take each stage as it comes.  The brain can have all sorts of effects on the Uterus..." So - I'm aiming on keeping a happy Uterus! so far its working... Lets see how long it lasts! Would be good to keep in touch with you. Xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Hi Olive,
Thank you for your reply. 2 weeks does feel like forever and that's just waiting for blood results! I think if I ever get to the stage were I'm on 2ww I may go insane. But wow your ball is definitely rolling and I don't think there is any wait for donor sperm? I could be wrong though. 
What do you and DH feel about donor sperm as it is a possibility for us if SSR doesn't work and I still don't know how I feel. My DH is all up for it but I'm still in the 'try for our biological child' stage. He's obviously had a lot longer to think about it than I and strangely I have no qualms with donating myself and love the thought of helping a couple get out of this awful place of infertility. But, I don't know, I looked at a sperm bank site and looked at stats similar to DH and cried because they just weren't him. 
But I never say never and if I get to the point where it's time to consider it again maybe I will change. I do totally believe this experience is sending me doolally. 
Anyway I'm going to avoid waffling, I hope your initial test etc go well, it'd be fab to stay in touch and who knows we could end up being cycle buddies?! Argh I'm so desperate to start but absolutely bricking it at the thought of what we have to go through and it possibly not working!! I really want a little person to call me mummy.


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hiya, that would be good if we became cycle buddies hey? I just want it all to start now! 

With regards to the donor sperm - we discovered about 5 years ago that my husband had Azoospermia.  We were both distraught, but I took it really bad. To be fair, DH took it just as bad, but as I was so upset I could tell he was staying strong for me.  I definitely went through a "mourning period" where I grieved for the biological baby that we will never have.  They did say at the hospital that we could possibly get some with SSR, but it was highly unlikely. My weight was too high for treatment on the NHS so we found it equally frustrating that we couldn't just get on with treatment, and couldnt have further tests for my husband until my weight came down.  I started to lose weight, and have lost over 3 stone so far, but still have weight to lose.  We went to a private clinic about two years ago, but they would also not treat my BMI.  We were recently recommended to a clinic that my friend had received treatment from, at a similar weight to me, and that's where we're at at the mo.  I know I'm going slightly off track there, but my point is that we have had a long time of coming to terms with it all, five years of just being "us" while I lost weight (and put it back on and lost it again!). I think that the long wait was also a blessing ip for us to go through all the different feelings and now be ready to crack on with it.
At our appointment this week, the consultant examined my husband and went through his medical history, and said that she could try the SSR.  We'd discussed previously that if there was a chance, depending on how much chance there was, we would take this route.  At the appointment though, my DH was more in favour of going down the donor route - and the consultant was happy with this.  I feel that if she'd have thought there was a good chance of finding sperm she would have adviced us stronger to try. So I feel we have made the right decision, but am also a little sad that it is definitely the end for us having biological children.  I also feel that DH has been through all his grieving and doesnt want the agony of having hope again for it to be taken away.

This may sound weird, as much as i want it and cant wait for it to start.... but there's a part of me that also finds the idea of something growing inside me that isn't my hubby's a little bit freaky...strange I guess. It doesn't stop me from wanting it though. I also can't wait to be called mummy too, so here's hoping hey.... Xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

You have to grieve and mourn, it's all part of it. It was strange for us as DH had already gone through it and I felt so guilty when I don't know it just hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue even though I'd knew the score before we even started dating. I think I just changed when we got married and moved in together my body just went into 'its time for babies' mode and I had to deal with it all. 
It's a head wrecker and I'm still not sure about the hope that we've been given, I feel like either:
We'll get no sperm.
Our 3 cycles we've agreed on wont work.
And we'll have to go through the grieving processes all over again before we look at the next options.
Then I want to kick myself because everyone says you've got to be positive and relax. But I'm just a bundle of worried, over thinking, nervous 'what ifs' that I can't relax or sleep properly! Sometimes I just want a holiday from IF.
From my DH Point of view (we've considered adoption) he says to me that, "we'd love a child we adopted as our own, so if we can share the whole experience of being pregnant with donor sperm the same applies." Which is true its just not what you imagine when you're thinking of having children with your partner. I suppose its like adoption but better? Does that make sense. Olive I think after you have hauled yourself through losing weight, waiting, grieving and the mountin that is an IVF cycle (which is no bed of roses) if you get your BFP you and hubby will be totally overwhelmed and over the moon with excitement and love it won't matter that its someone else's sperm you are going to have your longed for family. It's going to be amazing. My sister isn't my dad's biological child and she looks like him and shares the same musical taste, same love of nature and the same sense of humour and they love each other to bits - even after she's put everyone through the mill. He is her daddy. 
Wow, I think I've just swayed myself to donor if SSR doesn't work. Sounds silly but I forget that they aren't biologically related because he and my mum met soon after she found she was pregnant, we're engaged quickly, my dad was at the birth and they got married 2 months later. 
I hope that helped, its just made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. So yeah you just need to go through it to get your BFP now. Keep going with your weight honey, you've done so well so far just keep it up xxx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

You know what, the way your DH says is such a good way to look at it.  We had considered adoption, but I want so much to experience being pregnant that I didn't feel comfortable with that - it may come to it one day but I want to try first. 
I think we all have different feelings throughout the journey - and they come when we least expect... Like you say once you were married - before that thoughts about children are "one day"... But once you're married it's very real and thinking about it and then going through it are different things.
This site has been great to browse and also makes me think of things that hadn't even occurred to me beforehand! 
Its easier said than done, but do try and relax and dont get too ahead of yourself.  Even if you dont get any sperm, there are still other possibilities - youve already swayed yourself to donor if you need to!  
I'm lucky in that I'm quite a laid back person, so whilst I'm being quietly cautious, I'm also thinking positive - it WILL work! Having said that, I'm only at the start of the journey and I'm not too naive to think I will feel like this all along.  You can't underestimate the power of positive thinking! And I'm sending you lots of positive vibes! Xxx


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## mb2512cat (Sep 12, 2011)

Hi Bemy, I just came across your story and I wanted to ask if your DH has had his karyotype done? It's when they run a blood test to check your chromosomes. It's just that the history of miscarriages and a neonatal death would not be unusual of someone with a balanced translocation. I have a balanced translocation myself, so I realise I will tend to see other's issues through that prism (!), but it's just that if they had diagnosed me earlier then much less of the cr*p me and DH have been through would have had to happen. And I just don't think many people who have fertility issues get tested for it, even though BT isn't that uncommon. If that did turn out to be the problem, then it might not change the option of donor sperm, but perhaps you'd then want to give IVF with PGD a go. And at least you'd both have a proper explanation of why this has been happening to you. Anyway, I wish you all the best and I hope you get there sooner rather than later.


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Olive I think you're right on needing to be laid back but a positive realist at the same time. I shall work on it. 
Mcat, I'm not 100% sure he's had that test. It's long winded but here goes:
At our first consultation we met the same consultant as DH and his ex. He said that he wouldn't need to test again but would go through his notes (didn't have them at consultation) and check that chromosomes and FSH level were ok to proceed as his testicles and epididymis seemed normal. So maybe that was part of the test? Also his ex is in a new relationship and had further test herself TTC and informed DH that she had been diagnosed with a disordered where her antibodies attack the foetus and are really lucky to have their son. She has subsequently had a child but due to the nature of her problem she was induced @ 7months, she is pregnant again and she is being induce @ 7 months again. I don't know if that means he's ok and the problem was with her...
Anyway mcat I hope everything goes well this March - is your cycle starting soon or already begun?


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

to FF, Bemy!!! Have a good look round the site, post in whatever section you want and make yourself at home. There are so many sections here with a huge amount of information, so whatever you are going through there will be someone here to help you.

I know a lot of us have trouble with friends and relatives getting pregnant, I know I do. I have lost a couple of friends as they couldn't understand why I couldn't spend as much time with them when they were pregnant, they took it personally. There is a "Coping With Infertility" section ~ CLICK HERE which might help you.

Interesting what you said about your sister having similar mannerisms to your dad. My husband and his ex adopted 3 children, the youngest is a chip of DH's block, they are so similar it is unbelievable, the same with our (biological IVF) daughter, the number of times we have said "just like her brother!". The oldest one is very much like her mum, and the middle one is a lot like his uncle. So I think environment does play a large part in how we are. DH doesn't like the term "adopted children", they are his children, no different than Isabella is.

Here are a few links that I think might help you, either now or in the future.

Male factors ~ CLICK HERE

The Mens Room ~ CLICK HERE

Egg Share ~ CLICK HERE

IVF General chat ~ CLICK HERE

Keep a diary of your treatment (or read the experiences of others) ~ CLICK HERE

Cycle Buddies (undergoing treatment at the same time) - CLICK HERE

Regional ~ CLICK HERE

What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~   CLICK HERE

Our live chat room has a new member chat at 8pm on Wednesday. Here is our Chat Zone section which will give you info on other chats: CLICK HERE

Please feel free to ask more questions here, or on any other part of the site, there will be wonderful helpful people there to give you lots of support, information and cyber hugs if you need it.

Good luck!           

Sue


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi Bemy, how are you doing? How's the new laid back approach going? x 
How long will it be until you hear if you're accepted as a donor?


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Olive It's going ok thanks. Wish I could sleep properly though, it always affects my sleep when I have things on my mind even if I'm feeling positive and calm about things my subconscious is always active. Not thought about it much today but just got home and received an email saying DH has passed all his tests so he is ok to have SSR. Hopefully I'll get the results of my AMH tomorrow, if I haven't heard I will call - 2 weeks is surely long enough? And hopefully they'll tell me what the next step is to becoming a donor. Who knows. 

How about you my lovely, you doing ok? Feel you've had a good 'eating sensibly' day? If you're uncomfortable with me asking please say - I don't want to upset you. But I don't know - if you've done well be proud of yourself. I don't weigh myself anymore because it either depresses me or I become obsessive, neither of which are good for you. Anyway I hope it's going well.

Mcat - spoke DH he had the test after the neonatal death and his chromosomes were fine. I'm pretty relived and its probably the one thing he has remembered clearly. 
Much love all xxx


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## mb2512cat (Sep 12, 2011)

That's good to hear. Sorry your DH has had such trauma in the past, but hopefully things will get better from now on for you both.


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

From your signature you and your partner have had it more than a little rough too. It was very traumatic, don't think he will ever get over it but hopefully he can move on if this all works. I can't imagine how scared he will be for the whole 9months if we are blessed.
Mcat I'm  for you and your DH as you start this upcoming cycle and sending lots of positive thoughts your way. God bless x


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Mcat, just went to your blog via your link. Read your story. Thank you for sharing that, I'm not a massively emotional person but I have a lump in my throat. What a harrowing experience - to have gone through the ordeal twice. I can't imagine the pain of losing your boys, I don't share my husbands pain as I don't know it. But his DS still has a place in ours and his mum's family, just little things, mementos, flowers for his burial place and a decoration with his name on for the Christmas tree. No less loved for having such a small existence. 

Again, praying for you during this cycle. I hope you'll let us know how you get on whether great news or not xx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi Bemy, 
I've had a good day - I've started two weeks of slim fast to shift some weight quickly - I'm doing a skydive for charity in two weeks and need to lose 4lb to qualify for the weight restrictions for it.  I know it's not the best way to lose weight and will go back to healthy eating afterwards, but it will shift a few lbs quickly.  I'm still sticking to my "happy uterus" plans.... But work is so stressful that its proving difficult... I'm staying chilled though, bigger fish to fry.
I know what you mean about struggling to switch your thoughts off at night - everything always seems so much worse at night too doesn't it!?  Good news about DH, do u have to book his SSR now?  I'd have thought they should have your AMH by now - I had mine done last thurs and was told we should have the results this week... Hope I don't have to wait longer now.  Still working on the patience thing.
I don't mind you asking at all, it's good to talk to you.

Ladies, you and your DH's are so strong to have gone through all you have.  Thank you for sharing your experiences. I must seem a bit naive to it all (which I am tbf)... Xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Olive! 
I've just got my results and I got 38.92. The receptionists said that was good, I didn't know what it meant though so I googled it and its higher than average for my age so if we get the go ahead I have 80% chance of getting 6 or more eggs. So I'm being a positive bunny. SSR is all booked in so roll on 4 weeks 6 days and then we'll know if we have sperm then 4 days later they will thaw some to see if they survived freezing. Then I can start the next step in becoming a donor and hopefully starting a cycle! Eek, I'm trying not to get too excited in case we have no sperm and its time to re-think.

Wow a sky dive?! I was due to do one to raise money for our school in the next term but had to say no incase we were going to start a cycle. I did a bungee jump in Africa and it was great. have you sky dived before? I hope you meet your goal for it. You had anymore news? Xx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi Bemy! 
I also got my AMH results, which were 14.72, I have no idea either what it means, but she said its what she'd expect for my age and so she has no concerns about my store of eggs.  Mines way lower than yours though!
That's excellent news that you're ok to go ahead with the egg donor!  It's all a waiting game now!  Loving the positivity!  And whatever comes of the SSR you know you can deal with it together and get through.  I have a good feeling for you. x
Checked my weight this morning (I know I shouldn't but I have to look every morning) and I'd lost 2lb, Slim Fast is boring but you can't say it doesn't work!  Lol.
I've never done a sky dive before and I'm really scared! I'm glad it's next weekend so it's done and out of the way before we kick off with any treatment.  I'm raising money for a local hospice and looking to reach the £1000 mark which I think I will smash!
Where did you say you're having your treatment? Xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Yay go you! 2lb off - its going the right way slim fast or not well done you. 
If the doctors have no concerns you're great so don't worry about what it means, they know best. They didn't really say anything other than it was good to me, I just googled. 
How many of you are sky diving? You'll have to let me know how it goes and how much you raise. Sounds class, once you're out if the plane you can't go back and I'm sure you'll enjoy it then. It's always the anticipation and the anxiety beforehand that are worse than the thing itself. You'll be great.
We're having treatment at manchester fertility services, how about you? Xx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Ours is at Birmingham Priory.  Yeah I thought that - she's happy with the result so I am! I'm trying not to google and just be guided by the nurses, self diagnosis on google has got me panicked before, I always seem to find the worse case scenario for everything! It's hard not to take a peek though.

I'm not sure how many other skydivers, I don't know anyone else but there are more people doing it for the hospice. It's a tandem jump so at least someone else is in control! Will def let you know how it goes! Xx

Night Buddy! Xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Very hard not to peek at google but I'm really glad I did do research into before hand though as it made more sense when we went to the consultant. My mum is GP so she did some research and we kept comparing notes. I knew more about my husbands condition than he did! He didn't have much of a clue when we met the urologist and didn't quite realise how positive the outlook he gave us was.
I still get nervous thinking of the results of the op, 4 weeks 6 days to go - I'm not counting honest. We could've gone for earlier appointments and know already but DH is an occasional smoker and likes a drink or 5. So we decided to go for the one that was almost 3 months away from our initial consultation so he could sort himself out and replenish his little guys - if he's got any.
Have you chosen your donor already? Will you and DH chose together? Sorry these questions may seem a little daft. I'm a bit nosy sorry.
How's the job stress today? What do you do? Hope it isn't getting you down too much, if it makes you feel any better I've had to write 2 incident reports on kids in my school today which is never fun and had 8 kids on detention during my lunch break. Not a happy bunny. But I'm home now and a walk with the dog has chilled me out.
Hope you've had a good day xxx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Evening! 
Re google - I think the first time I googled I found this website, and I've used this to research a lot to be honest! People have been so helpful and friendly, I'm glad I found it when I did! 

That sounds like a good plan with taking the later appointment - you're giving yourselves the best posibility of finding some swimmers! Bet DH is missing the booze? I know mine would... He also likes a drink or 5! Lol.

Your questions aren't daft and you're not nosy!  We will pick a donor together, we've not chosen yet as we have to wait for our next appointment to find out how we go about it - we will try and match the donor as closely to DH as possible so that the baby hopefully has some of his kind of features (ie tall, dark hair, brown eyes). I have red hair, so I'm secretly hoping for a little red haired girl, but I will of course be happy with whatever we're (hopefully) blessed with!

As for the work stress, it's not really going away - I work in insurance, and it's such a busy time of year, I'm behind with my workloads etc... I'm trying to keep my cool and think "bigger fish to fry, it's only work" but when you're so bogged down its hard!  However, ultimately my aim is for my "happy uterus" so I need to chill out! Lol.
So you're a teacher!? Now there's a stressful job!


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

How's the happy uterus going? 

Try not to let job stress get to you, take your time with your work loads and try to switch off when you get home. I wouldn't have a clue what it's like in your job but its difficult to not let the balls your juggling slip when you've got this infertility lark on your mind. Are you doing any yoga? I was thinking of doing a bit, look in to fertility yoga, that's supposed to relax you.

Anyway I'm done in and need to get to bed, just been to visit my friend and her new baby - the only pregnancy and birth I've been selflessly happy about as they'd been trying for 6 years with 5 mc's and an eptopic and I got lots of cuddles from the little man which was so so nice. 

Night chick xx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Evening! 
Uterus is feeling happy today I am glad to report! Lol. Had a pretty stress free day today and cleared some of my backlog so feeling in a better place tonight.  Also broke up for the weekend today, we're off for a long weekend to Wales. Not sure of this yucky weather though!  How are you? 

We had our letter today from the consultant, confirming what was discussed last week, and asking for us to make an appointment with the nurse, so we shall be calling tomorrow for an appointment. Hope we don't have to wait too long! 

Sounds like you had a lovely evening with your friend and the baby! I also saw my best mate and her little man tonight, who I adore. I must admit to feeling slightly peeved when she became pregnant so easily as a "mistake" but her little boy is the best thing that has happened to me - until he was born I'd got an anti children defence barrier - As I couldn't have a baby, it was easier to hate kids.  Since he's been born I've loved spending time with him and it was that that made me start feeling broody again. He's a gorgeous little guy, and will be a tough act to follow! 

Hope you are good, are you feeling more chilled out now? 
Have a Good Friday.
Xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Where about in Wales are you off to? 

I'm doing good today, spending time with my friend and her little ones has made me feel really positive and thinking that - you know this could work, we could be pregnant by June if all goes well and I get matched. I'm being a positive bunny.

Just got back from my dog's last puppy class, he and I are done in and I can't even have wine! I'm going to watch some rubbish tv and go to bed, the dog is fast asleep at my feet.

Have a lovely time in Wales and well done that you've got through some of your back log. Take care xxx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey Hun! We're in Llandudno, hoping the weather improved tomorrow, but I don't think it's forecast too nice! Nice just to get away with DH tho.

I'm a bit fed up today - was expecting to call and make our appointment with the nurse for bloods etc, but have to go for a counselling session (18/3) and receive the report (about a week wait) first before they'll book us in - because we're using a donor.  Im quite happy with having counselling but I think that seen as we've had so long to come to terms with it, we're totally happy with our decision and this is putting us back by two weeks.  I know two weeks is nothing, but you know - I don't do patience very well.  So.... To keep myself busy and feeling like we're doing something, I'm going to try and get the blood tests through the drs - if they'll do it, and I emailed the consultant to see if we can get the cmv test in the meantime, which she said we can, so ill call back Monday to book in for that.  I'm such a brat, I want my own way! Lol.

Awww, so u now have a very well behaved puppy? What breed is he? 
Have a fab weekend bud, xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

2 weeks sounds like forever though. I have no idea what I'll do if I ever get the prop 2ww, go insane, kill some one, live in a cave as I'll be for too much of a stress head to live with! Ok extreme but along this journey it feels like you are constantly waiting. I'm almost counting the hours till SSR. Easter break can't come quick enough. Wishing my life away.

Though its so difficult to wait I'm sure counselling will just let you both completely put a lid on your decision (even though you are totally positive about it) I don't know, closure or something? You never know you may get the report back early too. How do you practise patients though, it's hard, I'd class myself as a patient person but with all this I just want it to start NOW!!!!! In my plans I was supposed to have finished popping kids out before 28! But as I've been told many a time, "God laughs at your plans." So I'm just going to carry on waiting, knowing that the big man has got a better one in mind. Though its hard to think that when you're going through it.

Llandudno sounds nice, apart from our disastrous honeymoon and a weekend last October to the lakes DH and I have never been anywhere on our own. Have a lovely time, just enjoy the time with each other and chill, try and forget about the baby lark.

My furry baby is a Hungarian Vizsla called Wentworh and he is pretty well behaved he just needs to stop jumping up on everything and everyone! My step son had his friend stay over last night and they've just got up and been jumped on - he's almost the same size as them when he's on 2 legs. Needless to say the boys left the kitchen very quickly to go play on the x-box. Ha ha.

Anyway, have a wonderful, relaxing weekend, hope the rain stays off for you. Xxx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey Hun! 

Sorry for the late reply - just got back from Wales, the break was just what we needed.

I've calmed down today and my toys are back in the pram! Lol. I've resigned myself to my "trial 2ww"!!  You're right, no point in making plans as they rarely go as expected.  However, to keep myself busy I'm going to see if I can get my blood tests through the doctors while we're waiting - maybe save a little time there (and money). Not sure if they will do it but I can try.

Wentworth sounds lovely! must admit i had to google what a Hungarian Viszla was, stunning dog!  Hope you've had a good weekend, can't believe it's nearly Monday again already! Xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Hey olive. How's it going?

I've not had a moment to get on here and reply I've not stopped and have received a cold sore for my efforts - not impressed  

How was your break? Hope you feel relaxed and I'm glad your toys are back in your pram - almost 1 week till your next appointment. Have you managed to get your tests done with your GP? I've been trying not to focus on it this week and be positive and I'm going to start running again to spend some energy; even though its not the best thing when your TTC I just need to feel better about myself and that'll help me. Wish the puppy was old enough to come with me but I'll face the streets alone. 

The pooch has annoyed me this week though - decided to eat dog poo over the weekend (don't know why) so he's had the runs. I didn't feed him for 24 hours, gave him plain rice which seemed to work then stupid thing ate poo again today!!! I'm so hoping I don't go home to a mess    But yeah, not many people know about the breed, I wanted a Weimaraner but found this breed which are really similar but better as they're slightly smaller, more calm and more family orientated. He's class. 

Have you got a dog? I want another one, DH is having none of it!  ha ha! Anyway sweetie I hope your week has been good so far - the weekend is so close I can smell it. Xxx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey Hun! 

I'm good thanks - only got the weekend to go until we have our counselling session on Monday.  This week seems to have flown, which is good!  I asked the nurse when I went for my smear test on tues but she said she didn't think they would do it, so I haven't bothered.  I spoke to my hospital on Monday to ask if I could get the cmv test done while I was waiting for the counselling session, but the lady I spoke to didn't know what that was, and out me thru to pathology, who said I can but they need forms or a letter from the doctor requesting the tests. So I emailed the consultant on Monday, but I've not heard back yet - I've felt particularly impatient today so I've emailed this afternoon to ask again! 

My weight is coming down nicely - the slim fast is doing the trick! I've been really strict with myself after a disastrous weekend - I put on half a stone, but then it was back off by yesterday, the way I yo-yo is ridiculous! It doesn't help that I have to peek at the scales every morning.  My BMI is down to 37 now - I'm worrying if they will change their mind and say they don't want to offer me treatment because of my weight after all!  

Isn't your doggy a little monkey?! Hope he's feeling better now! The things we do for our animals!  I don't have a dog, although I do love them.... I'm more of a cat person - have 6 of them! So I have  the nickname of Crazy Cat Lady amongst my friends!  They're also always up to some mischief, but I love my furry gang  Need a baby before I want to get another one!!

I think you've got the right idea trying to forget about it and focus on other things.... I wish I could - I'm getting a bit obsessive! I'm starting to lose the positive thoughts and starting to think what could go wrong!  I don't know what happened to me! Lol. I just keep thinking "happy uterus, happy uterus!" 

Enjoy your running Hun, speak soon! Xxx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Hey lovely,
:
Well done on bringing your BMI down, I'm sure your next appointment will clarify whether they'll except you or not. Its coming down though and that's the main thing so even if they say it still needs to be lower (fingers crossed it won't) you're on the right track to getting there. Try and avoid those scales, if you're anything like me if I'd put on a pound I'd be so upset with myself that I'd just eat more and it'd be even worse. So very 'easier said than done though'. 

Be positive it's going in the right direction!  

Only a coupled of days until your next appointment, it'll be here in no time. 2 weeks and 4 days till spermagedon for me. I know what you mean about starting to look at all the negative possibilities instead of the fabulous positives that COULD happen. I'm trying not to think either way as I find both kind of bring me down. Positives that could happen just seem so far away, pregnancy, birth, having a little one just seem so distant a dream that hopelessness creeps in. Argh and the world and his wife a pregnant all around you! 

Then I get to the point where I need to give myself a metaphorical slap in the face, tell myself to get a grip and NOT google which pram I'd love to get if it ever happens! Ha ha, oh man I wouldn't wish this on anyone, sometimes you just feel nuts.

Well cat lady, we just need to have our babies before we get anymore pets, here's hoping. Got any plans for this weekend? Hope work has been alright this week, speak later. xx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hey Hun! Day though

It's Friday! Yayyyy! Thank god it's the weekend, I've had an awful day at work, and so glad I have two whole days away from it all!!!  Although that means tomorrow is the sky dive and I'm super nervous now! 

I'm feeling a little more positive tonight - we had a reply from the consultant, she is leaving the forms for the blood tests so that we can get them done while we're there for the counselling on Monday - so that's another thing ticked off my list! Thanks for the pep talk... I need a metaphorical slap sometimes too! 

Spermageddon - love your terminology!  You've got a really good outlook Hun, and you're dealing with the wait better than me! 

I know what you mean about looking at what stuff you want - I see things in the shops and want to buy them, but its tempting fate so I could never buy it! It will be us soon! I'm sure of it! Xxxx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Oh my goodness - you're sky dive!!! Wow! You probably won't get this till later so...

How did it go? Was the weather good? It's raining here. Aw well done you, what an achievement! Now you can relax and forget about work. Why was it so bad yesterday?

I'm currently attempting to have a duvet day with DH. We really struggle to just stop, slob and watch movies. We've managed 2 hours of chilling in bed watching TV (I'd been up since 6 walking the dog and tidying up, then when back to bed at half 9) and now we're restless and have got up, thinking watching TV in the living room might still just make us relax. Can't see it though we'll end up doing something. Grr wish I could sleep and chill and actually do what everyone says is best with this TTC lark and relax and not stress. Fat blooming chance. Well I'm going to spend the day trying anyway.

On the plus side you've got your blood tests at the same time as counselling - so well done you and your niggling away - and my pooch has stooped pooping everywhere! Win! 

Ha ha - relaxing has defo gone out the window as DH has decided for our viewing pleasure we are watching the man city vs Everton footy match. Yawn yawn yawn. He supports man united so I have no idea why this is important. I shall go and find something to do.  Men!

Let me know how the sky dive went. Take care xx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Heyyy! 

Omg - skydive was just ridiculous! I'm still coming back down to earth - literally! Lol.  I was absolutely petrified and it was the most nerve racking thing I've ever done, but I'm so proud of myself for doing it!  We had a lot of waiting around for the weather, but it cleared up and we jumped!  I cannot believe I have done an actual sky dive!!!! So glad it didn't have to be rescheduled - couldn't have done it during treatment.... Or worse still, if I get pregnant! Good story to tell baby - look what mummy did! 

I know what you mean about finding it hard to relax and get some quiet time with DH - we're the same, always here there and everywhere and so busy in the week.  It's very rare we have a lie in, or a day of chilling in together!  At least you managed a couple of hours!... Blummin football ruins everything hey?  

I was so shattered I started writing this last night and only just finishing!  
Counselling tomorrow - feeling a little nervous as to what might be discussed... What are the "things we haven't thought about yet".... 

Hope dodgy has been behaving himself this weekend! Xx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Hey honey, I am so sorry for replying so late.

Have you come down to earth after your sky dive yet? And more importantly how did Monday go? It's just less than 2weeks till spermagedon and I'm trying not to think about it as I'm getting more negative by the minute. Just so scared they won't find anything. Argh, I really hope they do. Still hate myself that I get upset when other people are having scans, telling their kids etc. just desperately want it to be me!

Anyway need to start work n sort myself out - ha was so tired yesterday I came home from work and went straight to bed and slept, woke up at 9:30pm hungry so ate some cereal and went back to bed. Cannot wait for Easter break in more ways than one.

I'm looking forward to hearing how you got on, hope you're well, much love xxx


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## Olive18 (Feb 23, 2013)

Hiya! 

Counselling went really well thanks Hun!  It was actually a bit of an anticlimax - was expecting it to be quite hard going and for her to ask some really probing questions, but it actually felt more like a tick box exercise and like I've said before - we've know about it for so long and had time to come to terms with it, that we had already thought about the stuff she was asking us about, so she didn't really have to say anything to us.  Her parting words were "you're the perfect couple" - which of course I already knew   lol 

So having got that hurdle out of the way I called yesterday to make the appointment with the nurse to chose our donor, but she's on annual leave, so another nurse said she will send us some information, and I've booked an appointment for 17th April (the next available appointment!).... So my plan now, is to look around and chose our donor and try and liaise with the nurse by telephone so they can order the donor, and then the chat on 17th can be to really get the ball rolling!  I'm so impatient and just want to be filling my time with getting on with it. And waiting a month for an appointment is just annoying (I know I'm whinging again about waiting! Lol) 

Arrr Hun it's so hard not to get negative when you're waiting around, I know how u feel.  But keep them positive vibes hanging in there!  We need the next two weeks to fly - least its downhill now to the weekend and we all know they fly! 
Don't hate yourself for getting upset about other people's pregnancies - it's perfectly natural, I bet there's not another woman that is in the same situation that doesn't feel the same.  I found out yesterday that a friend of mine, who's only just had her second child, is pregnant with her third already!!!!  It's so damn "easy" to get pregnant isn't it??!! Grrrrrr! 
One day it will be us, and you now what, it will be all the more special because we've had to go through so much to get there.  I have to stop myself from fantasising about finding out.... Telling people.... Etc etc.... I just want it to be me! Us!  It will be one day.... 

Keep smiling Hun! Speak soon xxx


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## Bemy (Mar 2, 2013)

Brilliant, it's good that it was anticlimax just further proves how ready you are. Great. 17th is not too far off and I get the idea from experience so far and reading posts on this site that this journey is one long waiting game. So we just need to work on our patience and access some inner uterus, TTC zen or something!! Ha, daft I know but we're in it for the long haul and it'll be so very much worth it when we DO have our bundles and bumps of joy. 

I know what you mean about having the daydreams about telling people, scans, planning the nursery, pram, DH cuddling the big baby bump. Argh, I so can't wait for it to happen. Just the thought makes me want to be positive about it all. Just those annoying doubts at the back of your mind. I'm going to be positive they well find something.

I'm working on it and trying to be more healthy and chill, started doing a bit of yoga in the morning (ha I've done 3 days) and I do feel great at the mo, less tired and more energised to do something, it must work, I'm going to try to find some fertility yoga and see if that's any good. How's your BMI coming along? I'm still so impressed about your sky dive - how much did you raise? And you're right I can smell the weekend and it'll be gone in a blink and both of us will be that little bit closer to our next steps. Xxx


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