# Adoption & alcoholism



## sass30 (Apr 16, 2011)

Am in dyer need of advice. 
My DW and i have finally got our initial visit date for friday.  we have waited 8 weeks alone for this due to prev LA checks on past addresses. 
  My worries are My father in law is a alcoholic. He quit at xmas and now has started. I will never forgive him if he hinders our chances. He runs a pub and lives above it so its too easy for access. We visit my mother in law every thursday but i hate staying too long as he is vile. 
Do SW meet our family members and what advice can you offer please 

Sarah


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## ma1978 (May 30, 2009)

Hi Sarah
Im just starting our Adoption Journey We have had our initial interview about 2 weeks ago 
I do think they speak with your family so my best advice to you would be is be honest with the social worker at your initial interview when they come to see you in your home.
Tell them the situation as they prefer you to be honest then to hide it and it comes out later. And remember its not your fault that your father in law has this problem!!!! 
Sending you big hugs and good luck on the road of Adoption. x x x


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## sass30 (Apr 16, 2011)

Thank you MA1978. Good luck on your journey x


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Hia sass, ma is right. They do visit your family members so the best option is honesty but you can also play the game and pre-empt the situation. Have a plan of action. You can tell your sw your concerns but say clearly from the off, what you currently do and will do, to minimise the risk/upset to you and your family. Show an understanding of the impact your fil could have on a potential lo e.g. Trauma is so connected with senses. For a traumatised lo the smell of alcohol could be enough to bring back memories. There are books out there with fab advice. I found adoption uk good for advice. I spoke to them and they recommended quite specific books for specific issues.

I personally know of 2 couples that have adopted whose family member is an alcoholic. One was a very professional and middle class family who had kept her mothers addiction secret for years. The other her brother in law had been hospitalised, arrested for aggression, drunk and disorderly...you get the picture . Both have beautiful little additions to their family. 
Hope this helps


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Agree with Flash, be open, be honest but be ready with your explanation of how you plan to mitigate any risk to your LO.  My MIL has some issues, mainly regarding depression and her behaviour can be manipulative and irrational at times, we don't have any contact with her currently but we were very open during HS and explained that we would very carefully manage any future relationship she may have with a grandchild and I would never be happy to leave a child in her care.  

You could try having your MIL to visit you, alone, or tell them that FIL can come if he is sober, personally I wouldn't subject a child to going to the pub just in case he's not having a good day.  In any case it will be a long time before you'd be able to take a child to visit, any visits would be carefully managed in a public place or your home so by the time things settle into a more normal rhythm you may find you have started a new tradition of how you see your in laws and it is on your terms.  

Good luck, and don't worry, I find it hard to believe this would stop you from proceeding in any way.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Our SW did not visit any of our parents nor did they have to be referees - we did have to have a family member as a referee, but chose someone else.  We have some issues with my brother (he lives at a distance so it's not a huge problem, but there are some things that mean I wouldn't leave him to babysit on his own - but we just have to live with that!)


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## sass30 (Apr 16, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your advice. I wouldnt know how to bring this up on initial visit but will certainly try. Fingers crossed this doesnt hinder us as after all id cut all ties with him to have our family. Veen cleaning house today and off thursday to get it all ready for  friday. No dea what to ask ect. We are there youngest adopters (29 &25) really excited and scare at the same time. 
  My DW said a lovely thing. We couldnt be their tummy mummies but we will be there forever mummies x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi Sass,

The fact that he's an alcoholic shouldn't stop you adopting, and I would definitely bring it up sat the first meeting.  They will likely ask you about your local support network during the visit anyway, and how your families feel about your decision to adopt, which should give you an opening to bring it up.  If not, just tell them, it really is the best way.  Apart from anything else it should help to put your minds at rest.

They will want to know how you can stop his alcoholism impacting on your children, and I imagine they would have concerns about a weekly visit.  They will also want to discuss how your F-I-L's alcoholism effected your husband's childhood and any issues that may bring up.

I imagine they will also have questions about your ages.  We were also fairly young adopters - my husband was 28 when we were approved and he does not have fertility issues - and he was questioned about his commitment to adoption because clearly, there would be the option for him to walk away and have biological children in the future, if it all got too much.  When it comes to matching, your ages will likely be a big positive, but for being approved, don't be surprised if you're questioned about the decision to adopt so young.

Good luck with the meeting, let us know how you get on.

Wyxie xx


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

you select who the SW visits as your referees


but you also choose who your children see and spend time with


as long as you demonstrate that you know how to cope with this and can keep your children safe you will be fine


my dad is a pathological liar and I have decided that he will have no role in my children's lives as he can't be trusted to do what he says when he says and adopted kids have had enough of being messed around without inconsistent grandparents in their new families.


they have never met him and never will as their needs come above his- you will need to make some tough choices


best of luck


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi
Good luck!
My social worker is 'obsessed' with our support network so as well as being clear that the FIL won't be allowed to pose any risk to the child, be clear (rehearsed?) on how you have plenty of other people to support you and you won't need him, or be tempted to rely on him or perhaps his partner too. And be clear that they don't rely on you either - the sw will want to know all your focus will be on the child, not handling any family vulnerabilities or dramas.
Apols I'm rushing slightly so this might all sound a bit uncaring as I'm just putting down my practical thoughts. Obviously sorry your wife has this extra pressure to deal with. 
Xx


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## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

We had a similar situation - my sister in law was alcohol dependant (she isn't now, though she still lives a pretty chaotic lifestyle). We weren't sure how to approach it. Our SW 'guided' our response, and made clear that we ought not be derisory about her – indeed we should show understanding (because, if we were matched with a child who'd come from a birth family with addiction issues, we'd need to be understanding and sympathetic about addiction for the child's sake), and indeed we'd be expected to say that we'd tried to help her deal with/overcome her addiction. Our SW didn't visit her, she didn't visit any of my husband's family actually. So, we basically said that we'd tried to help her as much as we could (which wasn't true, she'd have told us to do one if we'd ever tried to help her) and that we'd come to the conclusion that keeping her at arms length was the only way of preventing her chaos impacting on our lives. 

To be honest the reality will be much more important than the theory (i.e. what you say during home study). My sister in law HAS had an impact on my Mother in Law's relationship with our daughter (because she – my sister in law – lost her home, and has moved back in with my Mother in Law). It's not an ideal situation, because my Mother in Law dotes on our daughter, but there's no way that we'll compromise and have our daughter spending time at her house without us being there too. It's a shame.


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## Doubleprincesstrouble (Jan 28, 2013)

Yep the will want to know he&MIL are not part of support network. They will also want to police check him and if anything they consider a risk comes up they will expect you to agree to not let him have contact with any children.

Also they will want to ask questions about the affect it had on your DW's childhood.


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## sass30 (Apr 16, 2011)

No affect on child hood as he only started heavily drinking last year when he got depression. He will have no part in our lives but i cant deny my MIL as she has done no wrong.  Il speak to the social worker and do what ever we need to do. 
we face many challenges adopting as a same sex couple and this hurdle is a one that hopefully can be oversome. Really appreciate everyones comments and advice

Sarah


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## smudgerbabe (Sep 16, 2011)

as mentioned they like a 'positive' plan - so don't just bring it up but explain how you foresee it being dealt with whilst at the same time saying however we'd very much appreciate your input and experience as well and are interested in any advice. They like to know you've thought about it and how it would impact on the adoption (or not). Empathy is good as well and showing some understanding and you may find that you can use it in your home study and a good social worker will turn this into a positive for you - i.e. you've had this experience and it's helped you to have some insight into different addictions and how it affects people's lives etc.

What is your plan for MIL to see child with no risk from him? What does you MIL think about it all and the adoption? (they may ask).

Some of the initial visit questions may include stuff about your family - having just gone through the process I HIGHLY recommend you get this out of the way early on to prevent any stress for you and also they very much appreciate that and it shows from the outset that you're going to be honest with them which is a big plus.


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