# Did you have any doubts when you were matched?



## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

I was just wondering if people ever have any doubts or uncertainties about their matches - or did you know beyond any doubt that your match was right?


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## Miny Moo (Jan 13, 2011)

Both times have known by the time we got to matching panel that it was right, as a said on another thread, had little niggle about son to start but only because he was a single child, everything else was just right, with our daughter she has just met our criteria, but the more we have got to know about her the more we are sure she is the right one for our family.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Dandlebean,

We had little Worries about what we were doing and could we do it etc and no certain worries about our boy but we did have a lot of unknowns/uncertainties so we would've been mad not to have little worries about them.

I didn't have any big omg is he the one doubts as I hadn't really been that way from day one. We were very realistic and honest throughout. But we did have big wobble during intros as some behaviours etc were new and severe so we worried that LO had bigger issues than we could handle.

Adoption is such a leap in this way I don't understand why we all don't combust with worry. It's perfectly normal (and human) to worry/wobble but if you have a bigger voice then don't be afraid to listen to it and talk to your OH/SW just to make sure it's just a general wobble. I used to do this if I fixated on one thing and like Miny Moo I had my heart set on siblings but LO was a singly so I worried about later regrets etc

I don't have any regrets. There's quite a few threads about this (I think skyblu posted during intros with worry and a lot of posts on there confirmed its all perfectly normal)
Hope this helps you.
X


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Ps some of my worries were the exact same as I imagine I would've had through pregnancy or near my due date as there's no guarantee on some things with BC too but you're too late to change your mind then ;-)


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

On reading little pinks profile we thought she seems sweet, looks adorable, ticks the boxes, no reason not to find out more. We also enquired about two other little ones on the same day. After reading the CPR we thought, still no reason to say no, she seems to have a lovely disposition and she could be our daughter. I started to feel excited when we found out we had been headhunted for little pink by her family finder and they wanted to come and meet us. We agreed without hesitation. During the linking meeting we had started to fall for her. The social worker and family finder made it personal and brought her to life and we sat there grinning. Suddenly there were no more doubts and we had to be her parents. At the end when they said they would like to proceed and what did we think we didn't even have to talk about it. We both knew. So by matching panel we had absolutely no doubts, we just wanted it to be official and had invested so much love into our image of family by then. I never had any doubts during intros and don't now. That's not to say some days aren't incredibly hard and exhausting. I doubt my parenting but never her. Because as her family finder maintains 'we were meant to be together'


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

We never had any doubts about Bug, but plenty about us and whether we were right for him.  We wanted him, body and soul, from the first moment we read his profile.  I'll never forget that feeling.  When his SW and FF came out to see us, there were actually tears at the close of the meeting, as his SWer and I looked at each other and knew it was meant to be.  She actually refers to that moment in her later life letter, when I thought it was just me who remembered it so clearly.

That said, he was very different to his profile when he came home - "eats anything" v. eats nothing "sleeps well" v won't sleep except on me, "won't go in car seat or shopping trolley seat" v no problems there at all.  But by that stage he was ours, and that was just him.  I had major wobbles in placement that I wasn't good enough for him, but that's another story.

One of the adoptive parents on our course who came to talk to prospective adopters was a single adopter and had adopted a seven year old girl.  She adored her, and they were perfectly matched, but she had severe doubts about the match almost all the way through linking, intros, placement.  She just trusted her SWer, who was proved right.

I think doubts are normal, and it's important to talk about them.


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## Macgyver (Oct 27, 2008)

We had no doubts that the littleman we saw on a DVD short was to be our son. We fell in love as soon as we saw his big eyes. When we got his CPR even tho there are uncertaintys ahead we still knew he was to be our son. I even started doing out his nursery ready. Which on the up side his sw loved when she came to the linking meeting and her words "looks like your son will just slot into your family tomorrow"    When I take him out so many people say " doesn't he look like you" if only they knew


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## Jess75 (Nov 4, 2005)

Nope we had no doubts either. What got it for me was watching how his social worker lit up when she talked about him she truly adores him and it shone through when she talked about him. First time I met him I seen what they meant about how endearing he was. He is a beautiful child inside and out we are so lucky


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## gettina (Apr 24, 2009)

Hey Dandlebean
I don't know what stage you are at but trust you have exciting times ahead. 
I am an indecisive person and we were linked with a real littley of well under a year so there was not much to tell us about him (eg in the CPR where it states what the child likes it just said he liked milk!). I didn't get an emotional rush from his photo (I now know he looks serious when a camera is in front of him so we didn't see his normal smiling face). 
So I proceeded all the way feeling I was taking a massive uncomfortable leap of faith but we really wanted a baby and knew we were unlikely to therefore have emotional factors to take into account so we focused on there being no facts we couldn't cope with so no deal breaker reason not to proceed - and was comforted by others on ff saying they didn't fall in love with CPR etc but are no v much in love with their little ones now!
And, first day of intros we got greeted with a big smile and (with considerable relief) knew all would be well. And three weeks since he came home we couldn't be happier.

Good luck 
Gettina


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi Dandlebean, I very much fall into the group that doesn't think there was a definitive "right child" out there for us that would could in any way have recognised by something put down on paper, or how they looked etc.  I did and still do think there were a lot of children who were wrong for us because they had issues we wouldn't have willingly and knowingly taken on.  Sorry if that sounds cynical, but we're both very scientific and methodical people.  We were actively encouraged by our assessing LA to keep asking questions of everyone involved with the child we were matched with right up until matching panel, to make sure it was the right match for us, and I think that is the best advice.  It seems these days that once a tentative link has been made everything feels decided.  I really believe that it's impossible to make that commitment until you've spoken to the SW, the foster carer definitely, medical adviser, and that any of those people could give the information that makes you realise yes, we definitely do want to do this, or no, actually we don't.  It's so hard to stay emotionally detached, impossible really, but I think continuing to question all the way through the process is really important.

Between us, we had doubts about both our children, and we talked about them and worked out what was causing the misgivings and decided yes, this was right for us and them.

When we had our daughter's CPR we read it through and I was blown away by how good a match it seemed, especially knowing BM was pregnant again when we wanted two children.  Hubby agreed on paper but looked at the photo and said he just wasn't sure that was his daughter.  We saw another photo at the first meeting we had with her SW and he couldn't work out why he hadn't thought she was as lovely as I did, although tbh neither photo was great, and it was months later when we realised what it was about the first photo which looked so wrong to him was that she had earrings in.  It wasn't a conscious snobbery, just a "something just doesn't look quite right to me" thing which I do kind of understand.  With our son I had some serious concerns when I read his CPR that this was a little boy who could have considerably more problems long term than we'd been led to believe, but after meeting with his SW, f/c and the medical adviser, and doing a considerable amount of research online, I was comfortable with his long term prognosis. 

Some people are blown away straight away, I guess it's just about what you're like.  I think if you have concerns you should explore them, because they may be real, but just having concerns doesn't necessarily make it the wrong child.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Thank you SO much everyone. Some really helpful advice  

We had a big disappointment with our first link, so I think with this second one we're just a little nervous to let ourselves get too emotionally attached and that's why we're having doubts. We're also not the only family in the running, so I think I've subconsciously been trying to find faults to lessen the blow if we aren't chosen. 

And it's such a huge decision, I guess we'd be crazy not to be considering it so carefully and taking time to reflect. I think we're rather like you Wyxie; quite methodical and analytically-minded. 

My main 'doubt' was due to the fact we hadn't had a lightbulb moment; but as we were first shown the profile when we were 'certain' about our first link, I suppose it's hardly surprising. 

Anyway, thanks again everyone, you've really, really helped   

P.S
We want this one more than ever now!


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

I had lots of doubts and really felt like I was taking a massive leap into the unknown.  

I found out as much as I could about everything written in the CPR and medical records, but I found it only gave you the most superficial impression of the child.  Mostly, I just couldn't find a reason to say no - and I thought that we would be able to cope with any potential problems or worst case scenarios.  

I'm not a love at first sight kind of person though - and I found the matching process to be a little bit like a bizarre form of internet dating.  I would never want to choose a partner from an on-line profile - and that is basically what you are having to do with a child.  

Saying all this, we bonded really quickly in introductions - and we now feel very lucky to have a beautiful little delight of a boy who is so far defying everyone's expectations.


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## dandlebean (Feb 24, 2013)

Thanks Nancy - that's pretty much how we've been feeling!  I find the whole thing really bizarre too; it almost reminds me of leafing through Argos/Littlewoods catalogues and picking toys to make up my Christmas list when I was little! 

But I definitely can't think of any reasons to say no and had we been asked to write a description of our future child's personality and favourite activites, it would be almost an exact match. Everything actually seems rather perfect, which I guess is why I felt I had to take a step back and consider it all a bit more carefully, rather than getting carried away by the excitement of it all. 

It's wonderful to hear that you bonded so quickly with your son and that he's amazing everyone!


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## NancyS (Oct 16, 2013)

Thanks dandlebean  

Looking back there were definitely times when I was excited and emotional - and I loved preparing the nursery and buying baby stuff.  However, there were other times when all I felt was terror. 

I don't think our AS looked that good on paper - there was a lot of developmental uncertainty and his name took quite a bit of getting used to (his friends should be called Alan and Roger).  He had been with fantastic foster carer's since birth and they gave us the most thorough information.  We were also able to have a sighting, which turned out to be more of a meet as it was at the foster carer's home and without social workers - this was incredibly helpful for alleviating worries.  

We found out recently that he had been turned down by another couple, most likely because of all the uncertainties.  When they are little it is really difficult to know what the future will hold.


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## Smudgey (Mar 13, 2012)

We had a match pretty much straight after panel and we felt she was right , however she was very local and we then discovered we had a mutual ** friend and there was too much risk , we had to stop the link and we were gutted . 
We saw one or two LOs profiles after and they just weren't right ...not even sure why ? 
When we saw little twinkles profile , we just knew , there was a lot of interest in LO and we had to wait about 2 weeks , but remained calm as we just knew LO was for us , we go to match panel on Thursday and start intros the week after , we just had a big gut feeling that LO was the one xx


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Wyxie's right, you have to approach it intelligently and question everything.  Just because, in our case, we fell like a ton of bricks, don't let that fool you into thinking we didn't ask lots of questions, do lots of research.  The SWers didn't think there was any need to talk to the medical advisor, and I insisted, and arranged a telephone appt on my own initiative.  I did loads of research, too.  And we didn't tell anyone until we had a MP date.

I sometimes think I forget to say that we did a lot of questioning and learning and checking, even though we'd already claimed him in our hearts.

It would have broken us to lose him.  But then we would have picked ourselves up and put ourselves back together (because that, above everything, is what IF teaches you to do) and trusted that he'd gone to some other good family and would be happy, loved and well-cared for.  And then we would have started again.

  Good luck!


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