# Tears at bedtime



## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

Does anyone else find bedtime is when their most difficult feelings about infertility emerge? The pain, the emptiness, the unfulfilledness, tears?

Some days I feel really sad all day, but often it's just bedtime when it's bad. My DH is understanding and really good at holding me and cuddling me but tearfulness and BD don't mix well! When he falls asleep, I always end up cuddling a pillow as a way of managing the sadness and especially the empty feeling in my womb. And then I feel silly that I feel so vulnerable. If I feel strong enough, I tend to feel better without the pillow but it's become a serious habit now! Thoughts? Better ways? Anyone else?


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## ladybird83 (May 18, 2015)

Your post really hit home for me. I too find bedtime incredibly difficult. I'm not sure I have a solution for you but thought I'd at least let you know that you are not on your own. I think for me it's about wanting to seem strong so I do my crying in private. But because life carries on regardless of infertility I find it easier in the day to put my thoughts to one side. When I'm in bed though I have nothing to focus on and that's usually when it really hits me. Have you tried doing some meditation or mindfulness? That has worked well for me when it's been at its worst but I wouldn't do it in connection with bed all the time as it too will become a habit.


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## Ms G (Aug 4, 2014)

Hello lovelies,

I don't think anything that you have said is silly or unusual.  I really struggle to fall asleep as well and I'm terrified of waking up in the night as my mind starts running again and I feel really alone in the dark. 

It got to the point where I was utterly exhausted as I was avoiding turning the light off at night. My husband has been very sweet about it and tries to stay awake with me. He won't go to sleep until he hears me fall asleep. Today, he bought me a tranquility reed diffuser which is supposed to aid sleep, lavender and jasmine. . Will have to wait and see how good it is. 

I have found a way recently which seems to be helping me. It sounds a bit daft, but it is very simple. I count to 12, imagining a clock face. I concentrate hard on the clock hand moving round the numbers and visualise it in my head. It's just a way of distracting me and avoiding the negative and fearful thoughts. I even do it sometimes during the day when I am feeling overwhelmed. I just repeat it until I feel a bit calmer. I might be sounding a bit bonkers now but whatever works eh! 

Sending you both lots of calm and sleepy wishes. xxx


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## bobo66 (May 1, 2012)

Hello ladybird83 and MsG, 

Thank you so much for your replies and your thoughts. I'm sorry you find bedtime difficult too, but glad we're not alone in this. I try to do some meditation every day but sometimes at struggle to make space for it even when I'm not really busy, and I find I have to feel ok enough to be motivated enough to do it.. I guess that shows I use distraction as my strategy all the time until I can't bear it any more or am too tired. Pre-melting is probably a better idea! The hands of the clock sounds like a really good idea as it's not just numbers but visualisation and movement. I will try it!

Xx


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

In the past I always struggled at nighttime too. The dark, the quiet, the lack of distractions - nothing but stillness and your own thoughts. IF can feel even more overwhelming and unconconquerable when you're tired too. When DH was asleep I'd look at this forum for hours and read others' posts just so I didn't feel so alone in how I was feeling. It was a constant nighttime companion for a long time. I also tried relaxation CDs and hypnosis which were really effective in helping me relax and switch off enough to fall asleep. The clock face is a great example of how visualisation and concentrating on something else can really help to switch off from your worries and sadness. Maybe listen to some music, watch a light-hearted tv programme or try to read when you wake up or before going to bed and force yourself to think about what you've watched/read/heard as a distraction mechanism. 

X


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## Turia (Feb 2, 2013)

Yes, bedtimes once the light was out was always hard...especially when my OH was snoring away beside me.  I used to feel so alone.

I developed 2 tricks that occupied my mind so it was too distracted to think.

Firstly I recited the lyrics to American Pie over and over again until I slept.  I had heard Don McLean sing a slower acoustic version so it lasted a while and almost acted as a lullaby.

Alternatively I was advised to imagine doing something that I enjoyed but to focus on every detail (a bit like Mindfullness).  I would imagine all 94 miles of thecWest Highland Way, visualising all the markers, bridges crossed, views seen, villages walked through or hills climbed.  

Eventually I put both methods together, reciting the lines whilst visualising the route!  Some nights I 'walked' the whole route but most times I was fast asleep within the first 10 miles.

You could imagine a place where you have stayed on holiday, a local park etc.

It solved my night times but I never found the way to stop myself crying when drying my hair each morning.  It was like the game 6 steps of Kevin Bacon, all thought processes went back to infertility e.g. 1. What shall I wear to work today, 2. I could wear that blue jumper, 3. I wore it last week to the clinic, 4. My treatment failed/is starting again, 5. I'm never going to have a baby.....

Thankfully however I finally did.

Turia  X


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## moo84 (Oct 14, 2011)

I don't have any decent advice as I never found a way to help myself with the sleepless nights, but will be stealing some of those tips Turia!
I did want to say though that as someone 'on the other side', I do remember those heartbroken long long nights of worry and pain. It's difficult to explain to someone who has not been through it, but my miracle of a little girl is over 2 now and barely slept for the first 15 months - those sleepless nights were nowhere near as painful though. 
Not much point to this post, but sending hugs, and so many sprinklings of baby fairy dust your way!! Moo xx


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