# How do you come to terms with the thought of never having your own child?



## Bluebell261 (Jan 31, 2010)

Hi all, 


We have been TTC for 7 years now.


We had our first ICSI treatment two years ago where I got a BFP but sadly miscarried.


I am in my tww of our second ICSI treatment and have just started my AF.


This is our last treatment, for emotional and financial reasons.


We have always said we would look into adoption as our second option, but I don't know how I will ever get over the thought that I will never carry and give birth to my own child.


Ever since I was a young girl my dream in life was to b e a mother and have lots if children, I just feel like I am a failure and I can't see how I will ever get over the feeling of loss for the child I know I will never have.


Sorry for sounding such a misery, I don't feel like I can express myself properly to DH as we have sperm issues or my family because I feel so guilty that I will never give them the grandchild I know they long for and they have helped us financially so much I feel I have wasted their hard earned money on a dram that will never be.


Has anyone else been in this situation and managed to overcome these feelings?


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Bluebell, I am so, so sorry about your news.  Sending you loads of  

I don't have any experience of this yet, so I am sorry that I cannot offer you any wonderful advice.  I just didn't want to read your post and not send you some hugs.

My sister never managed to have a baby and tried for many years.  She went through adoption with her wife in the end as she could see no other options available to her.  I won't lie and say that it was a miracle cure, but she has a wonderful daughter now.  She still feels the pain of never having her own, I'm not sure that it ever does go away but it has get easier and she is an amazing mum.

There are a million very uncomfortable conversations to have with our partners.  If it MF that you are coping with then there are options for you.  It's early days with your news and you need to give yourself time to grieve.  Living with regret and what ifs is the most difficult part of infertility for me, I need to have exhausted all possibilities before I accept defeat or I will always be sad & a little bitter.  It was a very difficult conversation with my DH about donor sperm (and it all went hideously wrong as these emotionally charged & sensitive things seem to  ) but it is something that I would like to consider if our one & only ICSI fails.

You've just had a big upset though, perhaps know that there are some options still for now & then think about them properly in a little while.  Don't apologise for sounding like a misery, you're absolutely entitled and it is completely natural, you have to get these feelings out xxxx


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## acewillows (Aug 30, 2013)

Hi! So sorry to hear about your situation. I went through a similar experience. It was incredibly tough to think my wife and I would never have our own child. I took it especially hard. Eventually my psychiatrist suggested something really helpful. We both wrote letters to the child we hoped we would have: how we expected him/her to turn out, what we wanted for them in life, and how hard we tried to have them. We then buried the letters in our yard and planted a tree above them. Now, we watch the tree grow from that love. It gave us something else to focus on. Finally, after enough time, we were ready for adoption - and now we have a wonderful little girl.


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## Leftleg (Oct 30, 2011)

Hi Bluebell, 

This is the question I ask myself all the time. I'm on my fifth go at the moment (in 2ww) and I don't know if we'll try again. People talk to me about adoption all the time and I'm very open to it but I think they see it as a solution and don't realise I will need to grieve for my own children first. I completely understand your sense of failure, this is so intrinsically tied up with who we are as women and it eats away at our self esteem. I wish I had answers for you but I don't, only the faith that one day we will be happy whatever form that takes. Sending you big hugs and lots of positive thoughts xxx


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## Bluebell261 (Jan 31, 2010)

Thanks so much for your replies.

It's my OTD today and of course it's a BFN.

Feel so sad :-(


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Oh Bluebell, I just wanted to send you hugs   The pain of wanting a child is so horribly intense, it's an unbearable grief.

No doubt you will need time to grieve, but I just wanted to share that I'm an adopter and starting that journey really started to heal my grief. It was the fresh start and new hope we needed. I have a beautiful 15 month old daughter and a 5 month old son I'm due to meet in two weeks time.

I'm not going to pretend the pain magically disappears but I can tell you that adoption is a wonderful and fulfilling way to become a parent. I wanted to be a mum more than I needed to have a biological child if you get me, and that's what I am now - a mum.

If in time you feel ready please come and talk to those of us on the adoption boards as we've all been where you are...or most of us xxx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

So sorry about your treatment.  I am also on the adoption road. The other thing I would add is people who have had successful ivf often still really struggle with pregnancies and babies etc and coming to terms with their infertility.  This journey is so hard and for many stays part of you. 

For me being a mum younger and having more than one child was the most important thing.  So after a bit of treatment adoption made more sense.  Will it mean that I am no longer hurt by the journey and the ease with which others have their families I don't know yet. But I do know that right here and now I wouldn't change what I am doing. 

However it takes time you need to cry scream talk snash plates have counselling whatever helps you.  I did all of the above personally x x


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## Billybeans (Jun 16, 2012)

Hi Bluebell, I am so sorry too for the journey you are on.
It's a really tough and lonely time, knowing who to talk to isn't easy. Not a lot of people can relate to it or understand our feelings. Please don't apologise for feeling sad, keep talking to us on here.
I hope you find the light at the end of this tunnel.
Much Love.
xx


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi,

i just wanted to echo what mummyelf said.

starting the adoption process helped me, i spent 7 very long, very sad years ttc and having treatment.

now i am a very proud mummy (8 months in!) of a 2.5 yr old and a 16 mth old, i do not feel pain any more, i love my children so so much.

the pain of not carrying a baby has gone for me, i never thought it would but it has. as i went in to adoption i realised that i had a longing to be a mother not to be pregant, and my longing is now a reality, it took just 11 mths beginning to end.

hugs x x


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## Troodles (Jun 7, 2009)

Bluebell


I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face. I'm so sorry for what's happened to you.  I'm in a similar place.  In total shock about what's happened and can't accept that I'll never be pregnant and canary my own child. 


I've started looking into adoption and it is starting to make me feel good. We have to wait for 6 months before we can apply which I think is a good thing as we really do need to grieve. DH can't seem to get his head round not having a biological child but because our last tx was DE I think I got used to the thought then.  


It is so hard and unfair isn't it but I think once we are mummy's the pain of infertility will ease. We will always think what if but just think of all the love we can give and receive from a lovely adopted child. 


I'm torturung myself with thoughts of being turned down now though. Such an emotional roller coaster!!


Wishing you and everyone else loads of love luck and best wishes and here's to our dreams coming true and finally being a happy family. 


X x x


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## -x-Lolly-x- (Feb 3, 2012)

Sorry people areexperiencing such pain, it really is such a tortuous journey and can break the strongest people. As another proud adoptive mummy I can truly say what infertility and treatment took away, adoption gave me back. It has been so positive and has built me back up from a shell to the happy person I was all those years ago. Some people may never get over not having a pregnancy and that's ok. But for me I wanted to be called mummy. And I am. That's my greatest wish come true and strangely now the thought of getting pregnant terrifies me! My fiance said last night 'I really wouldn't want a tiny baby now', which is crazy after all those years wishing and hoping. My daughter was meant to come home and I actually forget I didn't give birth to her. Everyone comments on how much she looks like us and in every way she is our perfect match. Adoption isn't for everyone and I respect that. But its saved us, it's just been wonderful. I hope whatever path people take they find their happiness


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## RachelMaria (Feb 15, 2012)

Finding it hard to cope today - have really been trying to be strong as am trying to come to terms with the fact that I might never be a mum - mostly coping OK but sometimes things just hit - feeling a bit blue about Xmas I think - walked into my favorite coffee shop this morning on the way to work - always stop for a gossip and a chin wag with the girls there - and one of them pipes up this morning with - well I won't be drinking this New Years Eve as I have just found out I am pregnant - said the usual congratulations and am happy for her - really understand what people mean now when they say it is a blessing - and am happy for her, but then she went on to tell me about how she didn't know and all about the first scan and she could see bubba moving about etc - was all I could do to get out of the shop without bursting into tears!

I hate feeling this way - it is really not like me, but now I am dreading going there in the mornings and watching her belly get bigger etc - don't want to feel this way about other peoples good news..


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Rachel I am so sorry. Don't feel bad for feeling like that you are a person not a robot anyone who has been through IF struggles with others good news. While you want them to be happy it just seems so unfair and awful too. 

Christmas also absolutely sucks so it is really a double whammy for you. Take time out for yourself and do something to relax and pamper yourself. Although it won't change anything or make anything better an hour of time for you without having to have the world in your face is vital. A facial is my pamper of choice. Sending hugs x x x


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## debbiedo2006 (Apr 24, 2013)

am so sorry to hear that.....I find that not everybody is willing to help. we have been trying for over 6 years. 3 years ago I miscarried at 10 weeks. our dr wouldn't help us as said we would have to wait 3 years after losing the baby ,at that point I would be 40 and would get no finical help. but  that we could have ivf privately. we have since had 3 failed goes at the cost of over £22000. we are borrowing money for our final attempt. we don't want to give up  yet but the strain on our relationship and financially. how long do we put our lives on hold........I feel like people around me don't understand. I will be 42 in april and partner 47, am not sure if I want to be over 43 when we have our first baby.........if we are ever blessed with one......


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## LittleRose2012 (Apr 28, 2009)

Hello all, just reading these posts and I thought I'd respond. It is so difficult dealing with IF. And I am sure failed cycles makes it feel much worse. I understand just how everyone feels here - and getting those feelings out in the open is a really good way to help ease the pain. It's been a year since our final ICSI failed. I don't know if this is what you want to hear, because all we want is success, but it really does get easier. Once you decide you are done and can't do any more TX, you then begin to work on pulling yourself back together. IF is heartbreaking, no doubt about it, but I do think it's possible to recover and get your life back. Don't get me wrong, I wish it had happened, but time moves on and before I knew it I began to accept that it wasn't going to happen, and that I didn't want to be sad all my life about it.
It's amazing sometimes how you find you have moved on without even realising it- I've come on these boards to look at the adoption forums just to find out a little more. I really understand what xLollyx says about not wanting a tiny baby now - I can very much relate to that.
There was a time when all I could do was think about babies, tx,money for tx etc etc, but it comes as such a relief to move on when you realise you can't do it anymore. Like Debbiedo, I don't want to be an older mum, am 37 now and hubby is 40. What I'm trying to say is that we are all so similar in our feelings and experiences. The want is primal, the need is so strong, and I used to think that only a baby would make me happy.
Not true. I've had a good year learning new hobbies, connecting with old friends and finding my confidence again. 
At the beginning, take each day at a time. Treat yourself as you would an old friend in difficulties - with compassion. Treat yourself. And believe that it really really will get better. I sincerely hope it does.


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## RachelMaria (Feb 15, 2012)

Thanks so much ladies - I know I am not alone xxx


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## Sparkly_Shoes (Jan 5, 2012)

Dear Bluebell

Lots of hugs.... 

I know how you feel. DH and I have been on this journey for 7 years too, Clomids, Keyhole surgery, IUI, IVFs, hundreds of appointments and thousands of pills, countless injections and several thousands ££ later we are still empty in our hearts and longing for a baby. 

Today my sister told me she was pregnant with her second child, and I am heartbroken, although I am happy for her at some level, I am finding it hard to cope that God (if there is one) has decided to give her two without any medical intervention, and denied me even one with all the help in the world? 

I don't think this "feeling" ever goes away, most of us, especially those of us who always dreamt of being a mother, will always have this feeling in our hearts. 

What does change however is how we deal with it, how we cope with this feeling, how much we let it affect our lives. In time, and with the support of your family and friends, you will hopefully feel better in yourself. Please do not blame yourself, it is fate and it is circumstance, its not you!! None of us chose this, life just dealt us a hand and its upto us how we play it.. 

Please donot feel you are alone - you are not. We cannot take each others pains away but we can share and  talk and offer a shoulder to cry on (Through words) 

I used to be very religious and had a lot of faith, that there is a God, there is fairness in the world but the last 7-8 years have broken that belief for good. But this journey has not broken my spirit and I will not allow that either. 

Lots of hugs
xx


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## Bluebell261 (Jan 31, 2010)

I totally forgot I wrote this back in October and I'm struggling today, well these past few weeks so came onto the boards for some inspiration and there was my post.

My very best friend is pregnant, she is 22 weeks now and I have avoided seeing her since she told me ( I have only seen her twice) and now someone at work is having a baby. The news broke me about two weeks ago, today it was baby scan images..

I can't get over the deep deep pain and sadness I am feeling at the moment.

I had started feeling positive and reading the adoption boards, but the recent pregnancy announcement and a follow up call from our clinic has knocked me out of sorts.

I know we can't have any more treatment, the strain on us is just too much, I love my husband, I don't want infertility to ruin our relationship but it's killing me as a person right now.

I'm sorry to everyone else who had written on this thread, I just wish I could make things right for us all.


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

Ah Bluebell   , it's very tough and I know exactly how you're feeling. I've lost count of the times I've darted off to the loo to avoid the "pregnant" one coming round the office to say bye before heading off on maternity, and lost touch with friends who've had a baby (although to be fair not sure the friendship was that strong to begin with).
We finished our 3rd and final ivf in November to get the bfn in December. It was incredibly hard especially as a close colleague at work was about to become a first time granny. I was dreading hearing the baby news and being around all the pics and baby talk. However we started looking into adoption almost immediately. I've immersed myself in the adoption boards for the past month, we've contacted agencies and are booked on an open evening on 4th feb. During the last 6 weeks I've written down my "story" with it all out there,raw feelings and some statements I wouldn't want anyone to read. This was for my eyes only. 
I created an imaginary list in my head of all the things that upset me about not being a birth mum and then another that made me think of all the wonderful things I would experience as an adoptive mum. All of this combined has transformed my life. I feel like I'm in the best place I've been for the first time in 7 years, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I'm excited about the future again. I've been loving sharing my colleagues experience as a new nanny and even met her grandson when he was just 10 days old. It felt lovely because I've come to terms with what I will have. 
There have been many tears and I'm quite sure many more, I'll always be sad for the bits I miss out on as a birth mum but for me I'm focussing on bringing an adopted child into our lives and being a family and dreaming of all those lovely mummy moments again.
Everyone moves on at different times but for me adoption possibilities have turned the light back on in my life maybe they can do the same for you.
Big hugs to you in the meantime, take care of yourself and do what feels right for you to  make yourself stronger. If that means hiding yourself away from others until you rebuild yourself then so be it. First and foremost take care of you.


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## Bluebell261 (Jan 31, 2010)

Thank you Becs for your reply.

Still feeling very teary this morning and I know all eyes will be on me today as I left early yesterday and my friend told me a couple of people asked if I was ok.

The hardest thing is that hubby keeps suggesting I may find my happiness with someone else, I feel like he's pushing me away (perhaps to protect himself) I can't do or say anything to make him realise I'm upset because WE can't have a family together.

Sometimes I feel adoption is a positive way forward, then at times I find the whole process far too scary, intimate, the fact that DH ex wife has to be involved when we have absolutely nothing to do with her riles me and I just don't know whether I can cope with the thought that an adoptive child will always have their birth family in the background.

I'm just so sad, upset, tired and lonely at the moment :-((


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## NAT1DRAGONFLY (Jun 13, 2013)

I hope you don't mind me coming in on this.....but didn't want to read and run.

Firstly sending Bluebell  

This journey we are all going through is a struggle - I think even at the best of times when we are feeling "strong" in our hearts we know we are still yearning for something that is missing.

All I can say is the thing that always gets us through is to have a action plan - i.e. what are we going to do if this one doesn't work? are we going to go again? and what are we going to do in the meantime whilst waiting if we do?

I am a strong believer in before making any big life decisions i.e. for you and your partner possible adoption route - you should try and get yourselves back i.e. book a holiday away together, or even just a long weekend etc. etc.......

I just think that along the way sometimes with IVF you can lose sight of yourselves and who you are as people away from IVF, tests, procedures, medication etc. etc. - when it all stops (whether it be until the next cycle or after your final cycle) you look in the mirror and almost don't recognise yourselves. That's why I really think it would do you the world of good to get yourselves back on track - quality time together etc. and then the big decisions i.e. possible adoption etc. can come in the weeks and months that follow when your both ready to, rather than adding extra pressure on to yourselves at a time when your probably not quite ready as such. Can both look at things that way with a clearer head and feeling better all round.

Good luck to you


xx


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## becs40 (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm not usually one for the profound quotes all over ******** these days but this on yesterday really it home.

"There comes a day when you realise turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realise there is so much more of the book than the page you were stuck on"

I really believe this, and I really believe infertility and the chapter of our forthcoming adoption struggle and journey are the sticky chapters in the middle that make the ending all the sweeter.


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