# the booze dilema!



## NicL (Nov 11, 2011)

hello ladies

So dh an i are are trying naturally again for a while waiting to start second round of ivf in June (first sadly ended in a missed m/c). Whilst i am not expecting it to work (it didnt work the natural way for two and a half years, so why should it now?) I feel we should give it our best shot. I am trying to get my body in the best condition for natural conception but also with the june ivf cycle in mind. I dont smoke, have virtually cut out caffine (2 or 3 cups of decaf tea a day), eating greens, lentils and beans til they come out of my ears and take that many vits that if you shook me i'd rattle. I am having acupuncture and exercise 3 times a week.

All good....except for the dreaded alcohol. On my last go i cut right down but didnt cut it out completely until i started stims. But then was off it until we found out about the m/c (about nine weeks) and to be honest it wasn't that bad. I am finding it hard now though to work out about how i feel about it.

I know no one is going to tell you its good for you, and I know i should pack it in completely but am finding it super hard! its so stupid because i want nothing more than a baby and in my head i would do anything in the world, but having a drink at the weekend just makes me feel normal in this crazy world of ivf. Each week i think, next weekend i wont drink and then something happens - we get an invite somewhere, and i end up with a glass of wine. Sometimes i think its the hiding the not drinking which is harder than not drinking (cant bear the thought of people thinking i am pregnant, and not many people know about the ivf).

wow - just read that back and i sound like a right alcoholic! I dont even drink a lot any more (perhaps a couple of glasses of wine on a friday and a saturday) but everything makes me feel guilty now.

Anyway just after any hints or tips from other ladies that have managed to ditch it or if you've not what your approach to booze is...am going  

thanks 

xx


----------



## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

Hi NicL, 

I could have written this post 6 months ago! I really struggled with this one before my last cycle as stopped caffeine, went gluten free, exercised 3 times a week, had hypnosis, acupuncture and just felt I needed a couple of glasses of wine as a treat. They say it takes 3 months for your eggs to develop so you should be super healthy 3 months before starting tx. I did cut down on the wine and limited myself to 2 glasses a week........I did have a major slip up 4 weeks befor starting (I was having loads of immune issues and it kept getting delayed) and I ended going out and getting drunk  

I was so worried I started crying to the doctor at my clinic and fessed up abut my slip up thinking they'd tell me to wait and she just laughed at me and said it probably did me the world of good to let my hair down and release some stress! 

I think if you can cut down as much as poss but a glass or 2 of wine especially red isn't going to hurt then the month before totally tee total. In this crazy ivf work we need to maintain as much normality as poss.

Good luck with your next cycle x


----------



## NicL (Nov 11, 2011)

lexi 

thanks so much for your reply - makes me feel so much better knowing i am not the olny one driving myself crazy with this. 

massive congrats on your bfp and hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy

xx


----------



## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi Nic,

I totally understand how you feel, but I personally think there is a big difference between getting totally hammered and having a glass or two on a weekend.

I haven't got drunk in years, as it makes me ill now, however I have always found it relaxing to sit down with hubby on a Saturday night and have a nice glass of wine.

This journey is hard enough and the odd glass of wine certainly hasnt affected my treatment.

Take care and good luck.

X


----------



## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

We're all human at the end of the day and this process puts so much pressure on. Just for the record I didn't go out and get totally hammered and quite agree everything in moderation!! Xx


----------



## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Lexi,

You have misunderstood my post and didn't need to clarify that you didn't get totally hammered.  I wasn't  talking about you at all, it was a generalisation that there is a difference between getting hammered every weekend and having one or two glasses of wine on a weekend, therefore I don't think Nic has anything to worry about.

Couldn't agree more with the everything in moderation approach.

Good luck

Stacey 
X


----------



## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Nic, I had a MASSIVE blow out over Christmas and New Year before starting treatment in April... and I have to say I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would...and I   my wine.

I wouldn't tell anyone to give up completely, especially if they're struggling.... you know whats safe - an odd glass of wine here or there ain't the end of the world - and if anything, might help you relax and de-stress which has to be a good thing.... if I was going to partys though I did feel a bit of an odd one out with a coke in my hand - so I shopped around and tried every bottle of alcohol free wine I could find....some I wouldn't strip wallpaper with - but some were lovely, tasted like wine, but I was happy in the knowledge I was still on the wagon.

I suppose it's like everything else, moderation is the key - what you don't want to do is look back and say I wish I hadn't done that!!!

Best wishes   
Sheila


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

it's a really good idea not to drink alcohol - your liver has to carry out about 500 functions, really oughtn't to give it alcohol to have to worry about. What is it not doing that it should be, while it's processing the alcohol?

Having said that 2 glasses a week is no big deal. If it makes you happy, drink it. I'm sure our ancestors drank and got pregnant. 

However i don't think you should feel pressurised to drink just to fit in with other people socially. I think that's a bad idea, it should be about you and your body, not about what anyone else thinks. It's easy enough to make it not too obvious you're not drinking. Arrive early and order something that looks alcoholic and isn't, nobody will know the difference. Or just say you're bothered about all the extra calories in alcohol, which is a fair enough reason not to drink on its own. 

either way have fun.


----------



## eeyore_blues (Aug 24, 2011)

Nic, 
i completely understand how you feel, i'm having the same dilemma. AF has just arrived after our first cycle of clomid so i'm determined to make this second go the best chance so switching to the decaf drinks, i'm already eating healthier and exercising more unfortunately can't fit in extras such as acupuncture due to work patterns and finances at the minute but alcohol is one of my biggest fears. Not many people know we are under treatment and so if they saw me not drinking they would probably automatically assume i was pregnant. i see people who get pregnant everyday, often conceiving while under the influence! so have to agree that if the odd glass helps you to relax then surely that is better than avoiding it completely and becoming more stressed about it? My issue is that i love vodka and can't really water that down anymore lol so have been trying spritzers and i think the next step will be to try the low alcohol wines as a spritzer. I do agree you start to feel like an alcoholic when you look at trying to avoid it, i don't drink that frequently but may have more than i should when i do. sorry to rant


----------



## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm all for doing whatever is in your power to make maximise your chances, whether it is a proven fact to improve chances or if it is just a whim but I do agree that a couple of glasses of wine is a reasonable compromise if you are dependant on alcohol as being part of your lifestyle and identity.

What concerns me is that you are tempted to blame your decisions regarding alcohol for your miscarriage and that is something that you can't do if you want to continue drinking. If you manage to convince yourself of blame, it would be a very heavy burden for anyone to carry.

If someone has a drink and has a miscarriage and can feel assured that they weren't linked, then great, but if you aren't that person then I'd suggest not taking any risks and would stay clear of the alcohol xx


----------



## Sheilaweb (Mar 21, 2006)

Louise I didn't get the impression  that the original posting made a reference to her miscarriage being linked to enjoying an odd tipple - sadly the majority of miscarriages occur for any number of factors or culminations of many factors.  There are women up here in the north east who are happily smoking and drinking through their entire pregnancy in the hope that they will deliver smaller babies.  They may be a little smaller but their labours are a lot more severe.

Crikey, even my own mother enjoyed many a pint of guiness to boost her iron levels in pregnancy.  !!!

Yes I completely agree that all women SHOULD look after themselves physically and mentally - but at the end of the day it comes down to personal choice.  If completely abstaining from alcohol causes you more stress, then by all means have a wee drink.

Its like when I went to slimming world, if i'd had a bad day and grabbed a few syns, as long as I didn't feel guilty - I could get back on track the following day without hitting myself with a stick.

As the old sayings go - a little of what you fancy does you good / everytning in moderation.

Best wishes all
Sheila


----------



## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Hello
I personally think it is better to stay off alcohol if you can when ttc.  Official government advice at the moment is to stay off it (even though some experts disagree) and so did most of the nutritional advice I read when I was ttc.  For me, (especially when having IVF (and during the three-month lead-up to it), it was one of a range of things I could do to try and help things along.  (And also, for me, cutting out alcohol also meant that there was one less thing that I would feel that I had to beat myself up about if tx didn't work.)  I would certainly say to try to avoid more than 1-2 units a week (and a unit is much less than the average glass!). 

If you need something to help you de-stress a bit or don't want to stand out in company, how about having white wine spritzers (with lots of fizzy mineral water rather than soda if possible)?  You still get the taste of the wine but you are substantially reducing (not to mention diluting) the amount of alcohol and, if you are out, you can move on to fizzy mineral water without anyone really noticing!). Even though I am past the stage of ttc now, my favourite tipple is still a very small amount of white wine with lots of fizzy mineral water in a tall glass. 

Another thing I found when I was out while ttc was that while people noticed if I refused an alcoholic drink when offered, nobody really noticed when I didn't drink it once it was in my hand, and I could then abandon it surreptiously and move on to soft drinks! 

Good luck.

Ellie


----------



## DoraTheExplorer (Mar 4, 2013)

Hi NicL, I thought I would post as I'm going through this as well, in preparation for the 'fertility journey' I knew I was embarking on I've been doing a slow wind-down on the alcohol front since 1st January. I found the staggered approach has worked for me, I started to wind down from only drinking on special occassions to having alcohol-free nights out. The weekends are definitely different and going out without drinking is strange, there's no doubt about it. What I have found very helpful is alcohol-free beer which is available in a surprisingly number of bars. 2 weekends ago I was out both Friday and Saturday night, both times with people that were drinking, and I stuck to the alcohol free beer for the night. What I like about it is that you can still participate in a round, as it costs the same as a normal beer (good or bad point?!) and also you look normal, as there's a beer in front of you. It also tastes very similar to normal beer and I personally like that taste. As a wine replacement when I'm in a domestic setting what I do is I pick the biggest, nicest red wine glass in the cupboard (because at least part of enjoying a wine is drinking out of a long-stemmed red wine glass and why should you miss out on that just coz the contents are different!) and I pour 1/3 or 1/2 of fancy fruit juice (e.g. fresh pear juice, strawberry juice) and then fill up the rest with sparkling water, it's actually delicious. I find if I have that with my dinner, I don't miss my glass of vino so much - for a start I still have the same glass! For socialising I would BYO sparkling fruit juice or wine replacement, try to keep it in the fridge and top it up yourself, maybe no-one will notice. I've pulled this off before. Or at the most only the host will notice and won't say anything. As for giving a reason why you're not drinking.....that's a tough one! I suggest saying that you're doing a weight loss programme, or a detox. If you run, you could always say you're training for a specific race, or you could say that you've got a bit of a dicky tummy and are staying off alcohol for a while. If all else fails, cite religious reasons ! ;o)


----------



## NicL (Nov 11, 2011)

hi ladies 

thanks so much for the advice and suggestions.

Just to clarify in the run up to the last treatment i cut down to about 2 or 3 units a week. during dr and stims after i found out about my BFP i didnt touch a drop except for a tiny tiny white wine with lots of soda on christmas day (and it turned out that the little one had already stopped growing by then) - so i feel no guilt about having caused the miscarriage. I could never do anything once having a bfp that would jepordise the health of my baby - i wouldn't be able to live with the guilt.

I think the difficulty more at the moment is that we are in limbo land. I feel like i should be doing everything to help geting pg naturally, but not really being convinved it will work and not ready for next round of ivf. There i times i get so dispondant (if its not worked in two and a half years why should it now!) that i think sod it! Especially when you find out friends who drink their own body weight in vodka every weekend have gotten pg first time of trying (bitter...moi? Never!!) I suppose it is just that little bit of my life that makes me feel like i am normal in this wierd world of Infertility where we over analyse everything!

Once we have next IVF booked in it will become much easier to make the changes I need to because i certainly dont want to jepordise it working. 

goldbunny and ellie.st  i know you are both right and abstinence is best am going to try really really hard!

Ellie.st - White wine spritsers are my tipple of choice mostly these days especially when going to other peoples houses as you can stack up the soda and nobody really notices!!

Dora-loving the fruit juice idea - sounds great. Will give that a go this weekend. We have a relaxed one so will give it a go (hubbie is out on friday playing a gig but i have already decided i am not going - too many pregnant friends gonna be there. Too hard to cope with at the minute)

As for the reasons thing...wouldn't get away with the weight loss one as i need to put on a bit of weight but the running one is a good idea as i do run a bit(though need to keep it vague - dont want to find myself inadvertently signed up to a half marathon or something stupid!). 

I know i shouldn't care what people think but i just hate the idea of people gossiping about whether i am pg.  What i really need to do is learn to drive then problem solved. Just need to stop being a big chicken and take my test!!

eeyore_blues - how you getting on? I am a bit the same - to be honest its easier to not bother than to just have a little sometimes! I dont have a lot of self control! It is helpful that some pubs like weatherspoons now do small glasses of wine (125) so when topped up with soda can last a long time. 

xx


----------



## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

Nicl, please, please, please don't beat yourself up. You are doing WAY more than loads and loads of women/people to make your dream a reality.

i am not a big advocate of giving everything up and eating mung beans so maybe i'm not the best person to comment, and i know we, on here, have to go through more than most but geez, louise, a couple of glasses of wine really isn't going to be the deciding factor. most of my married/partnered friends conceived whilst drunk or if they didn't and didn't know they were pregnant ended up on very drunken hen dos etc. and whilst i'm not advocating getting plastered, life is just too short... a little of what you fancy does you good. and another FFer i met whilst out in Cz for my tx said it was better to carry on the way i was than stress myself silly trying to change myself massively thinking it would make it work. 

i'm probably rambling now, but who the f**k knows what's round the corner. sorry, i'm just feeling very 'que sera sera' at the moment as i will be going to couple friend's 23 year old daughter's funeral on friday as she was out riding with her mum and the horse just tripped and fell on her. my point is, there's only so much we can do and i for one could have done without drinking and smoking since i was 12 years old but i didn't know any better at the time and who knows when my time is going to be up.

GGx


----------



## NicL (Nov 11, 2011)

greatgazza

so sorry to hear about the funeral  - that is terrible. I was at a tree planting ceremony for a colleague at work yesterday who recently died of cancer. She was 41 and had given birth to a little boy shortly before she died. So i get the que sera sera thing and your right, none of us knows whats right. I think we just have to make decisions we are happy with and i probably need to try and chill out a bit too - I'm just a bit of an all or nothing girl!


----------



## greatgazza (May 27, 2010)

thanks, the funeral was today. was pretty awful and just wrong really. just heartbreaking seeing her parents totally lost. sorry to hear about your colleague, that's just so wrong as well, leaving a little one. god, some of it is just unbearable to think about.

yeah i'm an all or nothing girl too but when i couldn't do 'nothing' i just tried not to do 'all' if that makes sense. give yourself a break godammit!   

GGx


----------

