# Really need a friend!



## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

As the subject says I really need a friend! Reaching out to you all as had another awful day which was topped off with another of my best friends 'texting' me to let me know their pregnant again. Their first was only born 8 months ago. I found out about her first pregnancy by text on the same day I found out ivf was my own option. This week I'm sorting out donors for my third ivf cycle. Unbelievable isn't even close to how unfair it all feels right now. My other best friend told my husband right in the middle of my last ivf cycle that she was pregnant wit their second as she was desperate to put the news on **... Screw my feelings. We haven't spoken since.

I have now been thru 20 pregnancy announcements since the ivf started. How many more before I crack I don't know! I'm trying all the time to anticipate who will be next but literally everyone I know is having a baby or their second.

Apart from my mum & husband I literally have noone to turn to or talk to.  I feel utterly alone & isolated & let down. None of my friends have stepped up to the role of 'friend' or have even tried to imagine the complete devastation & turmoil iv been thru esp since the ivf started never kind before that!

All my insecurities about the future, the next cycle etc have just swamped me again & I feel sorry for myself & lost in this whole awful & cruel journey.

I'm stressing about money to pay for all our appointments, tests, donor cycle, flights abroad etc & in the meantime everyone is just happily going along with the one thing I'm desperate for.

When does it end?! The pain, hurt, worrying, stressing, crying, putting life on hold.

EVERYTHING in my life has changed for the worse since this all came about. My marriage is strained, iv lost family & friends, my job is suffering & they've lost patience with me, our money is dwindling, we don't enjoy anything etc!

Is it too much to ask to want a friend to just come round & say understand, that I'm not being selfish, that they can imagine how awful things are & have been for so long.

Sorry for the rant as iv said I'm just totally worn out & lost in it all & hoping got a friend  xx


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## Sammilb (Sep 7, 2011)

Firstly listen you are not selfish! You just want to achieve your dream of motherhood. I don't view you as selfish. 

Secondly where friends are concerned if they were aware of your fertility problems and struggles for them to be so insensitive **** em! Your better off without people and friends like in your life regardless of going through this type of treatment!. I've now learnt to delete people that ***** and whinge about their kids/ pregnancy. 

One thing I've learnt is people with children will never know what it is like to want something so bad and have trouble getting pregnant. I think fertility treatment is a lonely journey and it really does help to chat to people that are going through the same thing. Don't be worrying about losing your friends, they wasn't friends in the first place then were they?!. Where work is concerned could you chat with your manager? And explain your situation?. 

I'm mostly on here so drop me a PM if you ever want to rant!  
I can't promise that I'll have the. Answers but I'm here to listen. 

Best wishes 
Sam


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## CGSM74 (Feb 7, 2013)

I totally agree with Sam.

Unfortunately unless you have been on this journey you cannot even begin to understand the toll it takes on everything else. But the important thing is to hang in there and know that there are others out there just like you. You are not alone and this is a great place to get the help, support and advice that you need.

Just tackle things one at a time. Don't look at it all at the same time as it will get too much to deal with. Have you tried getting some counselling too ? 

I really would say to keep your marriage together ... It is your basis for love and support and hopefully your hubby can be strong for you .... Or you can both both fall apart together, but lean on each other ? And the rest well .... Hopefully you can deal with it together.

But to say it again .... You really aren't alone. No one can understand the pain and hurt of knowing you may probably never have your own child. It goes to deep to explain really. But you should tell your friends how you feel ... Honestly. They may never understand but least they will know !

Not sure how to help you, but am always here so send me a message. Sending lots of support and positive thought your way !

Christina
Xxxxxx


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi Missymoo, firstly I'm so sorry you are feeling this way     You are not alone, I feel exactly the same in every way possible and it's truly awful!  I wrote a post the other day which was pretty similar to yours in so many ways, so just want to say, although I know it won't be of any help really, that I can understand how you feel.

I understand the heartache of 'another friend phonecall' and although happy for them it hurts like hell for us.  I too have had nearly 30 friends' children born over the last ten years or so, with 5 who have had babies since our ivf journey and another 6 who are due in the next few months, including my sister and sister in law.  It just breaks my heart that it's still not us. I used to get so excited for them all in the past but I just can't do it anymore, it hurts too much.

I too feel I have no-one to turn to as since our loss last summer. I just can't be around my friends with their newborns (although they haven't offered to meet me either since our loss) and don't have any none pregnant friends close by. I also seem to have distanced myself from my family since my sister's news (which she thought the best time to tell us was the night before out EC this time, when we had been given the news that we wouldn't be offered anymore chances!) I know my family are devastated for us but thrilled for her and I don't know how I can be around them at the moment or any time soon which upsets me as usually we are so close.  I know my sister won't understand as she has never got how hard this journey is for us and could never understand why I was so upset.  With my sister in law also pregnant we don't see much of my dh family either.  

It does seem like a conspiracy theory and how many more people can announce it (even my acupuncturist text today to say she is!) but I've had enough!  Like you say, how much more until we crack!  I feel I do nothing, I see no-one and I don't even recognise myself anymore!  I'm so different to what I used to be.  . I feel I didn't even get the chance to enjoy our first year of marriage as this torturous journey has taken over every aspect of our lives since then .  We don't go out or do anything and all I want to do is sit and think about this and research my chances, which in turn is making me miserable and crazy  . I too feel everything has changed for the worst.  I have up my full time teaching job thinking the stress wasn't helping so now do supply but I can't even muster the enthusiasm for that anymore! 

Anyway, I'm so sorry I haven't helped or made you feel better, but I hope it helps to know that there is someone out there who is feeling exactly the same and agrees it totally sucks!  Sending you a big hug    which I hope helps a little and I really hope things start to get a little brighter for you soon.  If you need a friend anytime just to scream and rant at then do so, I'm here.  Lots of love and I hope we have our miracles one day soon and our happiness returns, Emma xxx


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Thank you! I really appreciate it xx

Sam your right ppl don't get it or even close! It just upsets me so much that regardless of the reasons I'm supposed to be their friend & I'm struggling so much & just wanted them to stand up for me & try to help even if that was just listening! I just couldn't imagine in any situation when a friend was upset & devastated rubbing salt in their wounds! 

My work are aware of everything iv been thru but advised after my second failure I wasn't entitled to anymore support so this has added extra pressure with time off, emotional support etc. I'm trying my best to just plod on & balance my holidays / flexi time! My manager insist she's walked in my shoes cos shes went thru a couple of years of trying but that does not equal infertility + ivf + failures! It just leaves me feeling more frustrated that again noone has a clue what it's like!

Christina, I had counselling last year they work & it really helped. I do still try to use the tips she gave me but today it's just got too much again. It's one step forward in picking yourself up after a knock & then 3 steps back 

Luckily my husband is being brill he's my biggest supporter & has been then every step. I appreciate how lucky I am to have this. It's just the strain of this going on for so long on too of losing friends, money worries etc! It doesn't make for a happy first 2 years of marriage! Another reason I feel
So resentful of this whole crappy situation. It's took the normal & nice out of everything!

I was doing a lot better since new year just after my last cycle failed until today. Iv been busy with planning our de cycle, tests, flights to cyprus etc. it's just so unfair this is all my life involves now.

Emma, big hugs back to you xx. We do sound alike don't we?! It's like a mirror image! Why why why is all I can say. I really hope one day all us ladies get to share our good news & that our journeys don't go on too much longer so that we don't lose ourselves anymore or suffer more pain esp from our so called friends. 

Sorry I'm defiantly feeling sorry for myself tonight  

Thanks again to you all xx


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## L_ouise (Sep 23, 2010)

C'mon Missymoo  

I kind of feel like you are making a rod for your own back by putting such high expectations on everyone and everything around you to make this whole fertility situation feel better, when nothing will make it feel better BUT alienating yourself from your best friends and allowing it to impact your work and marriage is only going to make it feel a whole lot worse!

So your friends dared to go and get pregnant before you and then had the audacity to want to tell their best friend about it asap. Whether they would have told you mid-cycle, before a cycle, after a cycle - whenever - it would have been the wrong time. If they didn't tell you at all, well there would have been hell to pay then too. It is a no win situation for them, so to punish them for it by disposing of them is really quite cruel and i think you should apologise.

I don't know why work would be losing patience with you, but maybe it's time for a chat with the manager to get everything out in the open. They should have measures in place to allow employees to have infertility treatment and even if they want you to use your holidays at least they will be more flexible to take the strain off you a little bit.

Yes i do understand, all too well, that you don't need the burdens that you have created. Forgive your friends and make peace with them. The girls on here are great but they are no substitute for people in your real life that love you and care about you. You have to trust that they didn't mean to hurt you. They are ignorant due to no fault of their own and unless you take the time to explain to them then you are just going to get even more lonely and even more sad and even children won't be able to patch up the void left in your life... In fact, when the children arrive and nobody cares you'll probably feel more lonely than ever.

Sorry, i'm really not trying to rant at you. Sometimes people just need another perspective, you know. Sometimes the best friends aren't the ones who say what you want to hear but the ones that say what you need to hear  

I've done it all myself at some point


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi l_ouise thanks for your reply & perspective

Maybe on some points your right, they don't know & why should they?! But what I do know is if & when iv had friends going through a tough time I think about how I can help, what I can do to lessen their pain hopefully & I'm tactful. If a friend was going through a marriage break up would you text them to tell them your really happy & getting married? Or would you perhaps go round & try to break the news face to face but gently & cry with them if needs be?

Your right whenever I find out is not going to be easy to hear or the right time but to send a text is just cold & gutless. A friend should know better maybe my opinion is too high. But iv always treat others like you want to be treat yourself. Maybe even a phone call would have meant more.

I may sound bitter about my friends but really telling me their news just because they want to put it on **?! I would have hoped a friends feelings meant more than ********!

Anyway I'm not writing to defend myself. Your points were totally right I do need my friends but unfortunately I don't feel like there there for me.

I already admitted in my post I am feeling sorry for myself. Ill snap out of it again & go back to the daily grind. It's just hard being surrounded at work, home life etc with pregnancies & babies & families.

Maybe I just need a hug! Interesting comment about making a rod for my own back maybe it's my defence mechanism. Xx


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

!!


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi Missymoo, reading some of what you wrote..i felt like it could have been me. I have been through all those horrible emotions, the avoidance of life, pregnancy, friends, babies etc. Things will get easier...I have no remedies....just wanted to send you some 'i have been there and felt the way u do and got through it' love...if that makes sense. Infertility is shockingly hard and awful but it could work.......and i hope it does!!! Good luck and I am pleased you ha e such a loving dh. Maybe plan soemthing different or do something differnt to make yourself feel better. A change is as good as a rest...xxxx


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## rosebud_05_99 (Apr 15, 2008)

hi there
i have been ttc for so long that friends who had babies that during the time ive been ttc are now having their own babies. its so frustrating.

and i am angry with louise for critizing how u are feeling and defending the fertile ones, who after all have it all anyway. how dare someone come on here and critize us for our coping mechanism with this awful disease of infertility. just because they can be all happy clappy around their pg friends dosnt mean we all have to do that, most important is to take care off ourselves as we know we are the only ones who are coping with this hell, the pg friends get to move on and are self obsessed as well. 

big hugs and please know that we are all in the same situation and all feel the same way and its not wrong to feel how we do, its the others that have the problem, i wonder what kind of mothers these friends make when they cannot empathise with their own friends in times of need. it sure does suck

rosebud


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi to you all   thanks for taking the time to reply, your words & understanding do mean I lot esp when I'm feeling so raw!

Thanks for the hug Emma  

Frangipani & rosebud, thanks for your posts. It really does help to know there's others on here who understand only to well the hell of infertility. Never did I think my life would spin out of control like it has but I know I'm trying my hardest so shouldn't feel guilty.

Louise's post was harsh & upsetting esp when I was feeling the most vulnerable but there was a couple of points that made me think deeply esp about not throwing friendships away just based on this situation so I have decided to write my friend a letter to explain, I'm not sure whether this letter will make her realise the awful situation I'm in (she should already know a lot as iv kept her up to date to a certain degree) but I want my conscience at least to be clear in case the friendship can't withstand this mess, at least I will know iv tried to apologise for my reaction, explain the reasoning & tell her I love her! I'm not apologising for feeling how I do as that's not true to myself but I will apologise for my reactions in this whole awful situation if that makes sense! 

I defiantly don't think iv made a rod for my own back. I'm sure we all feel the same that we had no clue to the feelings, devastation, life changes etc this journey was going to create.  How can you prepare yourself for it?! I knew it was going to be hard & upsetting but I never knew the extent to how bad I was going to actually get esp the longer it goes on. I have been trying for 7.5 years so that's quite a long time to handle everything before its become too much to bear! Ppl can only take so much! I'm glad others are not suffering so much who would wish they were but just because you having a better coping mechanism don't criticise us who don't! You might find yourself feeling this bad one day!!! 

Thanks again to you all. Iv got to get my strong & focused head back on now (until the next announcement at least)! Xx


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## ELW7 (Feb 16, 2012)

Well said girls!! I thought this was a supportive site where we can help each other through the darkest days that this journey brings!   Hope we can all hang in there, keep going and with each others 'positive' support, come out the other side smiling!  Lots of love and   wishes that we get our deserved happily 
ever afters! xxx


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## Cleohegarty (Jul 18, 2012)

Hang in there it is hard i know all my friends have kids now and my younger sister is now pregnant. I find u have to keeo going and if things are to much have a good cry or have some alone time i find going for a walk or taking up a hobby can help. U are not alone and if u need support the chat room is very good. Take care


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## NicL (Nov 11, 2011)

hi there

so sorry you going through such a tough time. We all go through it at some stage or another and this journey affects us all in different ways and you have no need to apologise for your feelings. You can't help them. I've been lucky so far all my friends have been great including the ones with kids. I actually  am fine with babies but pregnant women take a while to get used too.

What i would say is try and see if you can try and get a bit of you back. You say you aren't really doing anything as you are so focused on the ivf.  Is there anything you loved to do before ivf? Perhaps a hobby you had or a place you visited? Or perhaps there is a skill you would always love to learn but never got around to. Now is the time because you sure as he'll won't have time when you do become a mummy which will happen! Doing something like that might help you to make some new friends but might also help you to rekindle old friendships by taking the focus away from kids. 

I recently did an  art class with a friend. I am a rubbish artist by the way but we had a blast. Met lovely people had a giggle she talked a bit about her kids i talked a bit about ivf but mostly we talked about other things and i came away knowing a new skill and it felt really good. All i feel like i learn these days is about ivf treatment. Know more about sperm and eggs than anyone should need too! I have now cleared out the spare room to turn in to a sewing room so i can start crafting again something i love but got lost in all this rubbish.

You are a strong intelligent caring person - you are not defined by infertility. You are so much more and you will get through. We are all with you x


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## NinjaSparkles (Nov 6, 2012)

Hi Missymoo,

I could have almost written your post a few times recently. The other replies have said everything I would want to far better than I could, I just hope you realise you are absolutely not alone. I know in "real life" it is an incredibly lonely road, but there will always be people online who completely understand.


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Thank you all for your recent replies. It's been lovely to receive so much support.

I'm feeling stronger again for now & focused ok us again. I did decide to write my friend a letter explaining everything we've been going thru, our feelings, how happy I am for them etc. hopefully this will help to ease the guilt iv been carrying & also hopefully keep the friendship going even if it is hard at the moment hopefully in the future we can get close again.

I think the hardest part of finding the news out apart from the obvious feelings of jealousy, resentment etc was realising I need to let go of the friendship for now. Not fall out or not be friends but just realise we have completely different lives at the moment & that its no ones fault. It's almost been a grieving period for another part of my life iv had to let go of! 

Thanks again to you all xx


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## danielle1370 (Dec 4, 2012)

Mission, I wished id written my friend a letter like that as your exact situation happened to me last year and has destroyed my friendship. As she was going thru a nice easy pregnancy I was having mc and embarking on this journey and we just became more distant and both said things we probably shouldn't have to each other so I totally admire your honesty to your friend and wished id done the same. Im finding it hard also to find the original me before this journey started, its so easy to get completely lost in it all.  Im actually going to get into some exercise classes to see if thay helps but I havent done any exercise in about a year so should be fun!!! Anyways hang in there, im lacking in understanding friends too so by all means pm message me anytime xx


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi Danielle1370, im really sorry to hear of what you've been through & that you've also struggled with a friendship  

Do you think its too late for your friendship? I found just writing down everything for a start was like therapy it helped put things into perspective for me & also look at it from my friends side of it. I also wrote it & went back to it a few times to re-word parts or add / delete things. I also got a couple of close people inc my husband to read it to make sure i wasn't coming across too harsh or pitiful. Even if you write it down but dont send it yet it could be something you give to her in the future. I suppose it depends on how much the friendship means to you & whether the things that were said were forgivable? I think we all say things in the heat of the moment plus when things around us are traumatic there's even more reason for things to be said that aren't necessarily how we might say things if were calmer. 

I did receive a text back from my friend acknowledging the letter. It looks like were going to keep a polite distance for now for both our sakes (mostly mine though). It still hurts a hell of a lot that one of my best friends isn't here with me going through it but selfishly i also don't want the friendship right now either due to the pregnancy & baby she already has. Its easier all round sadly to leave it be. My counselor summed it up perfectly the other day by saying i'm going through another grieving period which is now for a friendship. I think that's what hurt a lot last week when i found out the news it was like another nail in the coffin to me being on the outside of my friends lives & them all having want a desperately want. 

It really is unfair  

I think the fact your keen to do exercise now is a good step forward. Well done! We dont give ourselves enough credit....! I walk everyday now since before i started the first ivf. I find it great for keeping fit & getting fresh air. Its also something i now enjoy doing with my husband on a weekend.

Big hugs xx


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## Tinky27 (Dec 12, 2012)

Hi Missy Moo,

I know exactly how you feel. Since my fertility journey started none of my friends have stepped up either and I too have only my mother and partner to turn too. I feel totally isolated and lost in myself. My life is all consumed by "getting pregnant".

I've been off work for months battling with depression, my relationship is strained and I'm very close to loosing my job!

Its so unfair, but that is the hand we have been dealt so our only option is to remain as strong as we can be and pray that our dreams will come true. 

Nothing will ever be as important.

Your not alone. I promise xxx


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## Missymoo82 (Jul 17, 2012)

Tinky27, I'm really sorry to hear of your suffering as well  I had a really bad period last year before our first ivf when I found myself needing time off work. It was the first time in my life if been off sick more than a couple of days.

Be kind to yourself  

Your right we have no alternative but to be strong & carry on xx


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## danielle1370 (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks for the reply, I think sadly it's too late for our friendship but to be fair the whole dynamics of my group of friends is changing and it's sad as we all used to be so close. Plus all my friends bar the one with the baby all live away so girly time is few and far between. I think with my friendship the distance you talk about which is meant to make you feel a bit better actually made me feel worse as she was the one doing the distancing at what already felt like the loneliest part of my life. I think now I've adopted the art of self preservation and now enjoy the distance between us, her telling me how great motherhood is and how she already can't wait to try for the next baby is simply not a miss. 

Tinky, I feel exactly the same and feel like many whole being has been taken of by ttc. This month I've felt worse than ever about things and the prospect of ivf terrifies me as I wonder how I'll stay strong and hold it together.

Hopefully these feelings will pass for us all, I have an appointment with my counselor next week which always gives me a boost. So glad I ever found fertility friends its the only thing keeping me sane.... Well if you can call me sane lol x


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