# Donating eggs to sister - or not.



## JMR32803

Hi all! I am currently going through a really rough situation. (Please excuse any use of medical terms that are incorrect. I am not going through fertility problems myself, so I am not too knowledgeable in the abbreviations and actual terms)

My sister is 30 years old and has just found that her 5th round of IVF has failed. She is going through pre-menopause and has an extremely low egg count.

I am 25 years old, do not have any children, and from what I know right now, do not have any fertility issues. I am in a serious relationship, and will be married in about 1.5 years. I do plan on having children in the future.

When my sister found out that she was having problems, she told me that the doctor recommended using donor eggs. This is when she first kind of just brought it up to me. Right away, my initial thought was of course I would do that for her. However, I remember reading about egg donation and seeing that there are risks, and one of them is causing infertility, even though it is a low risk. Over the last 3 years, they have gone through the IVF process 5 times, each failing at different stages. 

With the 5th cycle being their last, my sister is now looking to me as her last option. She knows anonymous egg donors are a possibility, but would like to share genetics with her child. I am extremely uncomfortable because the pressure is all on me, being her only female sibling. I have read and read and read articles, studies, google, and forums about the risks. None of the risks scare me, other than the risk that I could potentially become infertile from this process. 

She knows that I would give her as many eggs as she wanted, but after I had already had at least one child of my own. That was my restriction from the beginning, and she knew that. However, apparently she sees the risk of becoming infertile as so minuscule that I shouldn't even worry about it. Also, I am a planner, and probably since I was about 21, knew that I didn't want to have children until 30 or later. So, for obviously reasons, she doesn't want to wait for me. 

I definitely see her side of this situation. She has spent thousands of dollars throughout this process, years of hoping/waiting, all to be completely devastated and disappointed. But is it too much from me to want children of my own, and that potentially giving her children could possibly cause me to not have any? Of course I want to help my sister, but not at the cost of my own fertility. 

Every time I talk to friends and family, all they can say is that they understand both sides, but don't ever have any advice.  

If you have been through this process, know someone who has, or would like to give me any insight, please feel free to do so. Thank you so much.


----------



## ELKA82

Hi. So sorry to hear about your sister struggles. And yours on making hard decision. I never been in your situation, but have younger sister and i am sure if we had something like this and she was even little bit unsure, i would never let her go through it.  X


----------



## CrazyHorse

I understand your sister's distress, but she needs to back off and stop pressuring you. Your eggs are your eggs, and if you aren't comfortable donating at this point in time, you shouldn't be made to feel bad with your decision. This is too important a life decision to make out of guilt or a sense of obligation.

I've been on the other side of this -- I'm 41, and have a childless sister in her early 30s who resembles me in many ways (both personality and physical characteristics). When I found out my pathetically low AMH at the beginning of my IVF journey, DH and I talked about whether to ask my sister about donating eggs if we couldn't make OE work. DH really liked the idea, and based on comments my sister made about egg donation in the past, I think she would have been open to it. But I finally decided I didn't want to ask her, even if we ultimately went with donor eggs, because I didn't want her to subject herself to the grueling process of stimulation and egg retrieval; I didn't want her exposed to the (small but real) risks of the drugs and procedures when she's not yet had a chance to use her reproductive organs to make children of her own; and, equally important, I didn't want her to feel emotional distress, either about deciding she didn't want to do it, or about her genetic children being raised by a sibling who lives on a different continent.

I'm sure your sister is under tremendous stress and feeling desperate, but she is not treating your concerns with proper respect here, and that has to stop. You should never be made to feel guilty about your decisions concerning what to do with your own body parts. If you want to donate to her at this time, that's a lovely thing; but, if you don't, that is your absolute right and you have nothing to apologise for.


----------



## WolfyOne

Hi JMR

Our situation is different in that we have had to use donor sperm, but we too looked at family options. As soon as we found out that DH's MESA had failed (sperm extraction operation after over a year and a half trying to conceive), which was devastating having been given a 90% chance of success, he wanted me to consider using a family member; however like you we were limited as to our options. 

Our main option was his father. He has a half-brother but in that situation there is a chance that the genetics would not be the same as DH. He spoke with his dad who was fine being a donor. Obviously donating sperm is far more straightforward that donating eggs. However, through our consultations, our consultant told us that due to his fathers age there was a risk of complications and his sperm would also have to go through more than 6 months of testing. When we spoke to his father again, he was concerned that should we go through miscarriage or have a baby with health issues, he would blame himself. As a result, we decided against family donation as we did not want to put everyone through the added strain. I let DH decide whether he was happy using anonymous sperm, as it meant giving up the biological link, but he decided he was ok with this. Given I did have a miscarriage last year after our second donor treatment, I can imagine that would have put a lot of guilt on his father.

In an ideal world it would have been great for our baby to have been biologically related to my DH, but we know in our situation it was the healthier and less strained option to go with anonymous donor. How our baby will feel growing up with the decisions we made, only time will tell, but we will be the best parents we can be.

Our situation was different as age etc. did play against us with regards to family donor, but the point being we completely respected his fathers wishes.

I hope this can give a little insight


----------



## simone546

Hi,

I am in a similar situation to your sister, I also have a much younger sister who I love enormously. I would say if you have ANY doubts, don't do it. Imagine if down the line you struggled with IF, would you be wondering what-if? What if it didn't work first time - would she ask you to give more eggs? Where do you draw the line. Everything carries a risk, although I think the chance of developing IF from IVF is small.... however, my cycles and body hasn't been the same since my first go, so who knows?  

It sounds like you're sister needs to talk to someone about her IF. Personally, I wouldn't ask my sister for her eggs. I think it could bring up all sorts of emotional issues later on for her, the child, my husband and me. 

Good luck with whatever you decide

Simone xxx


----------



## Calluna

Hi JMR,

I can't really advise one way or the other re donating to your sister as it's a very personal decision but I just wanted to suggest that if your sister has a very low egg reserve at 30, and you know you want children, you might want to think about trying for them before you're 30 because early menopause sometimes runs in families. Do you know how old your mother was at menopause? 

Just throwing a crazy idea out there but if you definitely don't want children until later, and you're already settled with the guy you want children with, could you consider having a cycle of stimulation and embryo freezing as an insurance policy for your own fertility? You could possibly even split the eggs with your sister so she would have a chance to get pregnant now and you could have frozen embryos to fall back on in case it turned out that your fertility had declined by the time you want to start trying. Like I said, just a crazy idea!

Good luck with whatever you decide x


----------



## cosmopolitan4112008

I wouldn't.
Apart from certain health issues regarding stimulation and retrieval (which I think are minor because myself never experienced any), emotional ones in  along run would be worse. imagine that child, who is basically oyour kid a year after a year. you will see her/him as your child and eventually the child will learn what happened. 

Also, she should see if she has some other issues. MAybe to check blood coagulation, if she need sto use clexane for example. Maybe the egg reserve is not only what she needs to address.

As for you, check with your mum when she got into menopause to spare yourself from fertility issues. Maybe you need to get your children earlier than planned.


----------



## WolfyOne

Sorry, me again, I just wanted to add that there are people on these boards who have used family donors successfully. This thread so far is from those of us that used anonymous donors (having considered family donation) or others that are using own eggs/sperm (so not undergoing donor treatment). There are some positive stories out there.


----------



## Teeinparis

I think you are amazing for considering this.  I haven't needed to look into this although donor sperm was mentioned at one point.  However, i wanted to through something out there.  

Given your sister's issues and not sure if it is family or genetic and that things can change quickly in the fertility world.  Perhaps if you do consider donating sooner rather than later you would want to keep and freeze half of your eggs just in case you have issues at 30.  Many woman are doing this and I wish we would have considered it in our 20's with more investigation.  

I would talk to the doctors in regards to risk.  That is the only way you will get the reassurance you need.  The emotional aspect I would say you would need to talk to the clinics counselling team and go from there.  

The other main consideration is your partner and how he feels about it.  It is tricky.


----------



## donna80

Hi jmr, 

I've no advice. I was in a similar situation with me being the big sister with pof, 

I got my diagnose and told the only chance I have to have a baby was with donor eggs I was 30, my little sister is 8 years younger no children and at that time in her final year of uni, she offered to help straight away, I was happy with that as long as it was safe I didn't want to put her at any risks at all to her health or uni work, 
but what I found out was that she too could have/develop pof, it looks like pof runs throught my dads side of the family, 
That for me put a stop to it and I told her as much as I would love to use her eggs I won't as it would destroy me to see her deal with what I am going through, 
Although she didn't donate to me she has been fantastic throughtout everything, she has been by my side whenever dh was unavailble, (she even held my hand and cried at one of my transfers) she has let me rant and rave then calmed me down, listen to be cry down the phone in the middle of the night, 

If you do not donate you can still reassure her your there to support her, 
All the best, 
Donna xx


----------



## fififi

JMR - sounds like a tough place both you & your sister are in   

Having switched to DE just over 2 years ago I too considered asking sister for help. I'm more fortunate in one respect as have 4 younger sisters to potentially choose from & all bar one already had kids very easily.
I spent lot of time reading through the DE board and saw lots of very happy, successful sibling donations. However both ladies were confident that what they were doing was the right thing. For me, as the recipient, I decided that I wouldn't be comfortable with trying using a sibling's eggs so ruled that out. This was more for my concerns about my feelings towards potential baby being closer genetically to my sister than me.

From the DE boards I learnt about epigenetics. Which is what convinced me I didn't need a sibling's egg to provide the connection I initially thought I did. Medically the baby is not genetically related however studies into epigenetics have shown that as baby develops in womb the mother switches on the genetics related to her. So if same embryo put into two different wombs the resulting baby would not be same because the mother carrying that child is different.
Might be worth encouraging your sister to have a look.

In UK clinics are required to ensure both donor & recipient have counselling prior to being accepted for process. Having the counselling doesn't commit you to anything but provides everyone with opportunity to hear & discuss all possible pros & cons. I went for counselling as way of deciding whether using an egg donor would be right for us prior to any signing up with clinic for this change from using my own eggs.


Right now you don't sound comfortable with being your sister's donor & if that stays the case you need to stand your ground and say you can't do it. I can imagine with you being her only sister that will cause a lot of hurt in short term and both of you will probably end up sad and angry with each other. However, like others have said, let your sister know that you're still there for her and try & be her rock when she needs it. The hurt & sadness won't be long term and I'm sure that with time, once she has had a chance to grieve for her personal fertility loss, she'll understand better your feelings. A single failed cycle is hard but when you get to point that five haven't worked out and doctors tell you to try donor eggs as a woman you feel such a failure. For many years she's been hoping and doing all she can to get a baby so the loss at the minute is huge and she needs time to grieve that loss. Whilst in that sad, low place it's normal she will struggle to understand why you won't help her. 

Hope both yours & your sister's future have happy ever afters


----------



## bombsh3ll

Hi JMR,

Don't feel guilty or ashamed if you aren't comfortable donating eggs to your sister. It isn't the case that you alone can either help her create a longed for baby or deny her one. There are lots of options out there, particularly abroad where donation is anonymous & treatment more affordable and accessible than in the UK. Embryo adoption is another fantastic idea which costs less than an OE cycle.

I think whatever your decision though it should be made with all the information available to you & for the right reasons, & I am not aware of any scientific evidence that undergoing stimulation & egg retrieval causes or increases the risk of subsequent infertility. The largest population undergoing controlled ovarian hyperstimulation & egg retrieval are women who are already, (or whose partners are) subfertile or infertile.

Another subgroup are those undergoing egg freezing because they are either advancing in years and wish to further postpone trying to conceive for social reasons, & those for whom infertility can be anticipated for example young women undergoing chemotherapy or with a strong family history of POF. These women undergo stimulation and egg retrieval and later end up infertile, but one hasn't caused the other.

Out of the remainder who are undergoing the process as egg donors, some will subsequently try to have (more) children of their own and discover a problem, however as fertility problems are common this would happen by chance anyway & is very unlikely to have been caused by the donation (& many times may have predated the donation but just not been known about).

If concern about your future fertility is the main factor for you regarding donating, I would speak to a consultant in this field who can give you all the facts & evidence. If your sister is perimenopausal at 30 then this does increase your own chances of POF too. Although this wouldn't be determined by whether or not you donate eggs at 25, this knowledge might influence your decision for example trying for children of your own soon or even freezing eggs for your own use later on.

Best wishes whatever you decide,

B xxx


----------



## JMR32803

Thank you so much to everyone that has responded. 

Unfortunately, I do not have good news. My sister has just received the news that her 8th round of IVF has failed.  

The first 7 were with her eggs (although I am not sure how far through the process was successful with each round), and the 8th was with donor eggs. 

So she did end up using a donor. I'm not sure how comfortable she was using a donor that was not genetically connected to her, but since I was not willing to give her my eggs, she really didn't have much of a choice. 

She is back at it again trying to convince me to give up my eggs. I am just still not comfortable with donating before I have my own children. There is definitely no way that I will actually donate until I have a child of my own. There are no ifs ands or buts to that. I have made up my mind. Basically I am asking for reassurance that I am not a greedy b**** for wanting to ensure my fertility over my sisters.  

Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post.


----------



## Wishings15

Guess I'm slightly on the other side. I've went through 2 failed ivfs which have torn me apart. I've got 2 rounds on the nhs and as my issue is implantation failure my options are DE or surrogacy? I didn't even ask my sister or think about surrogacy until she offered. Now I know that's she's already had her children but the kindness I felt at that particular time, knowing that's an option was one of the best feelings in the world.
I might be out of line by saying this but, I don't see why you cant move your life plans forward and have your own child now, then give your sister the eggs in a year or so.
Family/compassion is important, we give up things for others and make changes to our lives.
Good luck xx


----------



## loulu28

aww, hon, what a position to be in.

your sister at the moment might see you as the only option, in truth, this is not the case. Please don't do anything you're not comfortable with. It will just cause issues down the road.

Egg donation is well established in this country and abroad.

In some ways, i'd have thought using a registered donor would be better for her too... 

As the recipient of a donor egg, I like/love the fact that we do not know, and will never know, the donor. The child, Jakey, is all ours. We won't be looking at someone thinking 'do they know there is a link'.... not sure whether i'm making sense here but ...

I guess if you do go through with it you will have to remember you donated an egg, not a child and try to get round it that way...

Wishing you all the best and the greatest of luck,
lou
xxxx


----------



## Me Myself and I

Hi
Before I even started ttc I was told that de may have been my only option.
I thank God daily for my beautiful baby who arrived without any real issues comparatively.
At the start I broached the topic of de with my sister who already has children from a previous relationship.
At first she agreed in principle seeing my anguish. But as time wore on I could see her growing reluctance; how would she feel seeing HER child calling ME mum? Me chastising them? Raising differently? Etc.
Regardless of what was said about it being a cell etc this was the reality; it was our father who told her to vocalise this before I really thought this was my insurance policy so to speak.
I also think if I am honest I would have almost thought I would have needed to have been on my best behaviour parenting wise all of the time in case there was some form of retribution raised vocally about my parenting and baby's roots.
So though I can see your sisters anguish I am going to be different to other posters and say that you already have concerns and think you should not do this for your sister. 

I also advise you to get a blood test for your amh level to test your own egg reserves. 

Good luck, this is difficult for your sister but she needs to recognise the implications for you and your life as well, which she is incapable of doing when suffering so much pain and thinking you well your eggs are her saviour.


----------



## bundles

Ultimately it is your body and therefore your choice. Simple. Nobody has the right to badger you, not even your sister, once you have decided.
Good luck  
Xx


----------



## bombsh3ll

You are absolutely not greedy or selfish, there are plenty of other young women particularly abroad who either have children already or at least have no reason to be concerned about their own future fertility, who are happy to donate eggs & earn a fee for doing so.

_If_ an anon donor subsequently encountered infertility themselves, they wouldn't have to spend the rest of their life watching their sister raise the child that came from their egg.

Best wishes,

B xxx


----------



## Fox Gloves

Similarly to some other ladies here my sister also offered to give me her eggs if I wanted them or needed them in future. I have decided I don't want anyone including my future child to know I used donor eggs and so for mainly that reason I have decided not to take her up on her amazing offer. I did like the idea of the genetic link but I felt that my sister and other family members would always look at my child and compare/link it to my sister which I knew I would hate. 

My sister has had her children already but I know she would have offered even if she hadn't. And if the shoe was on the other foot, I know I would do the same for her. That said, we are all different and if you don't want to do it be clear and definite with your sister so that she can move on. Its absolutely your right to say no. She clearly will use DE as she has already tried so let her move on and be firm. Its probably best that she makes her peace with the genetic loss and doesn't keep hoping you will change your mind.

I do agree with the ladies who have advised you to get an amh test and if low, perhaps freeze your embryos now. If you wait, you may not be able to have children yourself in the future and that is not something I would ever wish upon anyone. Good luck, I hope you both have the families you wish for one day.


----------



## Island girl

wishingonastar15 said:


> Guess I'm slightly on the other side. I've went through 2 failed ivfs which have torn me apart. I've got 2 rounds on the nhs and as my issue is implantation failure my options are DE or surrogacy? I didn't even ask my sister or think about surrogacy until she offered. Now I know that's she's already had her children but the kindness I felt at that particular time, knowing that's an option was one of the best feelings in the world.
> I might be out of line by saying this but, I don't see why you cant move your life plans forward and have your own child now, then give your sister the eggs in a year or so.
> Family/compassion is important, we give up things for others and make changes to our lives.
> Good luck xx


This is a very different offering: womb vs. eggs. Very different emotional decision. Not just the physical component but also knowing that your sister's child is genetically yours.

I wish I could go back in time and freeze my embryos once I knew I was with the man I was going to marry, but at 30 my head was no where around thinking about Infertility issues. Even at 33 my mother told me she had early menopause at 42 and was sort of telling me time runs out, but even then I was not ready or concerned. JMR I am guessing is predicting marriage, a few years after marriage to be a couple then try...the best gift her sister may be giving her is early indication that the path may not be straight forward for her when the time comes. I pray for both sisters in this circumstance. I support JMR to want her own children first, that is what feels right for her.

For surrogates, I believe one of the criteria is to have had at least 1 child previously. Not sure if it happens that way all the time, but for agencies sourcing surrogates I think this is done for a good reason- partly physical, partly emotional.

I may need a surrogate and don't have a sister. Wish I did. I wouldn't hesitate in asking, especially if she was in a place in life where she could donate a year of her life. You were very blessed.


----------



## Anny1970

Hi there!!! I think that donating eggs is a good thing. But there is something you must think about before. Firstly remember that the medicines that will be used influence not good on the woman`s body. If you do not have your own children so it is not good. Nobody knows how the body will react for the stimulation medication. Are you sure that your health condition allows you to become an egg donor? Before ED you must undergo the list of medical tests. Of course there is a possibility that the doctor will not allow you to become an ED. The second thing: please think twice before doing this. You see you want to become a donor for your sister. You will see her child and understand that the child is genetically yours. I think that your attitude to the child will not be like to the niece or nephew. Of course it is up to you to decide. It is great to help a sister. Wish you good luck!!!


----------



## marty123

Hi,dear!
Seems you’re in a panic. Just try to take it easy. Probably it seems ridiculous this time, but think logically. 
It is wonderful that you don’t have any fertility issues. So you can give a helping hand to your sister as she really needs it. I’ll briefly tell you my story 
I’ll be 40 in half a year and have a trouble name medically luteal phase defect. This means my ovary doesn’t produce enough progesterone which is vital for preparing the uterine lining for the fertilized egg. It simply cannot go further by itself. In such I way plus my age factor I became a candidate for donor egg IVF. 
I’m also in need of a donor egg. And I got my relative involved into the process. I’m sure she would do it for me. She has already had a baby but they are planning to have also one more. Reading about egg donation risks does not stop her. I believe you’re young and won’t be put on some serious drugs while stimulating the ovaries   They’ll undoubtedly suppose your organism will do it.
Try to support your poor thing. She needs you so much! Talk about your considerations with a specialist, hope he’ll bring you at ease xxx


----------

