# Not sure what to do and need advice!



## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Lo has been with us now for 7 months and is settled, happy  and we have had no issues with her at all. She has been separated from her 2 sisters for various reasons for which I can't go into detail but contact is to be 3 times a year. We have no problem with this and have already had first contact and all went well, we are due for the second one at half term. 
Lo's FC's had lo from 4 months to 24 months and had a strong bond to which SW think is why she has attached so well to us. A few weeks later Fc then decided she didn't really want the eldest sister any more due to her behaviour and she was passed on to another foster family and I am pleased to say she is doing fantastic in her new placement ( she was excluded a lot when were going through intros and we brought this up with sw's) she is a very different child, for the better. 
Fc still has the middle sister and has regressed since both sisters have left ( there was only 2 months between the 2 changes)which is not surprising.

So that is the story of FC.

FC's were told that there would not be any contact with lo or us as they were too attached and this wouldn't be any good for lo.  ( FM wasn't even there on handover day to say good bye).
Lo has never ever asked for FC's since we have had her, she has of course asked when she going to see her sisters and has pictures of them in her room so she can see them every day. I find her not asking for FM very bizarre!!

The problem began on Friday when lo was looking at pictures on my phone and bizarrely pressed the name of the FC in my phone book, of course I spoke to her and all was pleasant, she said it was lovely to here lo's voice, and I could here her voice cracking through emotion, which is fair enough. When I came off the phone I asked lo did she know who she was talking to on the phone to which she said nanny, so I know she didn't recognise FC voice. After talking to hubby we decided it would be nice for FC to have a photo of lo, we felt a bit sorry for her.
This however all changed the next day when lo and I went to our lo supermarket, and who was there, yes the bloody FC and lo's middle sister. Luckily I clocked her before she saw us and I abandoned the trolley full of shopping, scooped lo up and got out of there fast. Making it a bit of a joke for lo so she wouldn't notice any thing. I was bloody tamping, even though FC's live relevantly close my local supermarket isn't any were near where they live and she even mentioned during intros it isn't a place she normally goes to. 
So my theory is she was over joyed on hearing lo's voice and decided to come to my local supermarket in a hope to bump into us.
IF this was the case she wasn't thinking about lo or her sibling, lo would of gone two ways, either she would of taken it in her stride or she could of been set back months, not only that her sister was there and I know she would of loved to see her and also I don't think FM would of been able to contain the tears and all hell would of been let loose.

I phoned our SW today and told her the story and agreed she is shopping too far out to where she lives and also dropped a bomb shell when she said that FM had asked if she could bring the middle sibling to the next contact meeting, to which I responded no bloody way. We talked in length about what happened and does seem to agree with me that FC is too emotionally involved and is going to see her and ask what she was doing in our local supermarket and advice it would not be in lo's best intrest to be at contact. I can't stop her shopping there, but it just seems too much of a fluke for her to be there the day after hearing lo's voice.

Do I bite the bullet and let her see lo and hope for the best or do I go with my instinct to protect my child. Her job is done, and don't see the need for lo to see her especially as she has never asked for her.
What would any of you do, or have any of you been in our situation and what did you do?

Any advice would be grateful and I am sorry because I know I have waffled but wanted to give a full picture.

Skyblu.xx


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

Hi

With regards contact, I think SS/SW need to be the ones to say yay or nay to this, though I would go with your gut reaction of a clean break being better for her, though can see she why she may wish to maintain some contact initially, given she was everything for nearly two years for your DD..... hard I know to accept, but true. If you imagine how hard it is for her to have seen all of those developmental stages, from weaning, to first tooth, walking, chattering.... that must be so hard when you still have one of the three in your home...I think w all can empathise with the FC *IF *she did purposely choose o go to the supermarket - and probably the possible effects went way over her head, as we all know can happen so easily, when motions are involved. We cannot knock the FC for loving/caring for the children.

On a totally different note, you cannot ban her form the supermarket (as much as you would like), but do have to accept it COULD be a coincidence. It could just be that this is the closest supermarket of that brand. For example, within relatively equidistant and a buit, I have many different branded supermarkets and different moods woul lead me to each, you know one does better cakes, another's fruit lasts longer, another does amazing meal deals, you get my drift....

For your own sanity, unless told otherwise I would try to verge on the coincidental side, so that you do not become permanently on edge when planning a trip/put with DD, as that will just spoil what should be an absolutely wonderful time with YOUR daughter. This woman is not a threat if you don't let her be......without sounding harsh, you have the baby! Enjoy her. You re truly blessed.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Skyblu, the relationships with fc can be o very tricky can't they? I think we all hugely appreciate what they have one for our lo's, after all, they have helped make them into the treasures we adore And there is no way I could do what they o and then give then up. BUT (and I'm trying not to sound too harsh here) they know what they are signing up to, as hard as it may be.  Surely, contact should be on your terms if at all and I strongly feel that is a decision that needs to be made by you and your sw, not circumstances engineered by fc. 

Our fc were also very attached and contact by text has slowly been increasing, something I am very, very wary off. Like you fc dont live on our door step but We have avoided all places we felt fc may visit as we felt they may 'accidently' bump into us. I also feel strongly ( and I know this snt everyone's opinion) but lo is now in anew chapter of his life. We will always be eternally grateful for all they have done and will speak extremely fondly of them to lo but I do not want any contact.

I feel you need to go with your instinct and not jeopardise the fantastic progress lo has made. If you meet Things could go very well, better than ever expected but they may also go pear shaped and I wouldn't be prepared to chance it because of someone else' feelings.

Take care sky xxx


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## katie c (Jun 15, 2009)

Me said:


> On a totally different note, you cannot ban her form the supermarket (as much as you would like), but do have to accept it COULD be a coincidence. It could just be that this is the closest supermarket of that brand. For example, within relatively equidistant and a buit, I have many different branded supermarkets and different moods woul lead me to each, you know one does better cakes, another's fruit lasts longer, another does amazing meal deals, you get my drift....


I couldn't help but think this too. There are reasons why people go to different supermarkets after all. For instance, I went to Tesco yesterday that I rarely shop at, as someone had bought me an outfit for our son from there and I wanted to swap it for the next size. So while I was there I decided I may as well do the shopping. (It wasn't the nearest Tesco either albeit it, it isnt miles away, but I went there as they have a bigger clothes department that the nearer one.)

The other week I went to Asda because they had a baby event, ditto last week at Aldi. I sometimes go to a smaller Morrisons than the main one as its also near an Asian supermarket I go to from time to time to stock up on ingredients.

I can definitely understand why it threw you, talk about a coincidence. But do you genuinely think she had the time (even if she had the inclination) to hang about a supermarket just on the off chance you may go too? I can get why you panicked a bit with all that was going on and the emotional element, and yes, I'd probably initially think the same. But logically, I think it's so unlikely. Shame on your SW though for not being more level headed.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I can see why you're thrown by this, I definitely would be (plus I've just down my own thread about meeting the FC) and things are no longer so clear in my own mind about what to do. When we planned to adopt we had a plan in our minds of how things would be and how we would tackle various things, all neatly laid out, but for us that has all gone out of the window now that our DD has been with us 3 months and we're so inlove with her, not to mention fiercely protective! That protective instinct is strong isn't it!

Here's what I would say - mum (and dad) know best. You know your DD and we don't so trust your own instinct. In the early days I wondered about various things and a friend said to me that I know my child better than anyone else and to go with my own gut feelings. People may think you should handle this in a certain way, but you do know best, we have an overview of your situation but you're living it.

Trust yourself and do what feels right.

X


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
Sounds like a coincidence rather than anything else but obviously timing has made it seem like more.


Have you considered lo hasn't mentioned fc because she doesn't understand where she has gone or why? It may actually be helpful to your lo to see fc in a controlled way so she can see fc is ok and hasn't left her because of anything lo has done.  Failing that though it is important you talk to lo about fc and reassure her fc is ok and lo hasn't done anything wrong.


OT x


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## skyblu (Sep 9, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreatiate it.

Firstly I want to make it clear that I do have sympathy for the fm as these girls were her first placement and I would think she is very inexperienced. We did have problems with her during intros, so it hasn't been plain sailing since day one. Also we feel bitterly disappointed with her by the way she treated the elder sibling. It was evident from day one that our lo was the favourite by all the family. Yes they did a fantastic job caring for our lo and that was the job they chose, this is why I couldn't do fostering and chose adoption.

Lo does know about her and her ff and they are talked about as well as her old house. This was as Old Timer had said ,so she wouldn't feel abandoned by her.  

Maybe I have made it bigger than what it is and I hope she was at that particular supermarket due to some other reason other than hoping to see lo.
As some of you have said, I am very protective of lo and she is very precious to us and as far as gut instincts go I feel contact with FM would go pear shaped and would cause unnecessary upset for lo. Also I know I can't stop FM going to this particular or any other shopping center and could in fact bump into her anywhere, but it just feels to much of a coincidence that she turned up more or less on my door step.


Both fC's and BP are too close for comfort and this was one of the issues we had when we had been linked to lo, but felt we could deal with it as BP wouldn't recognise lo and didn't think FC would be a problem 

Thanks everyone for your advice
I love this forum, you ladies are a great support.
Skyblu.xxxx


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I have to say it does sound a bit strange seeing her the day after you spoke on the phone. Maybe it triggered some emotions and she felt the need to see lo. A one off meeting might not be a bad idea. A chance for lo to see her again for the reasons already given and for the fc to see how happy and settled she is. We are 9 months in and haven't met up with lo's fc yet. We will probably do a one off meeting soon but I know how difficult it is, we really don't know how he will react.


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## bluebabe (May 14, 2009)

Trust your instincts. I did and I was proven right, my ds fc wanted them back because she feels she is their mother and it shouldn't be me, a bit unusual but trust your instincts xx


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## Mummy Noodles! (Mar 31, 2010)

Hi SkyBlu! Been following your posts for a while ... this is a difficult situation. This is my experience after 3 months (not 7).


Maybe this can help....Our LO has been with us for 3 months now....we were advised to meet up with the FC again to show our LO that they had not disappeared/abandoned him. Dh and I were very unsure about it and so were his caring FCs....Anyway to cut a long story short it went really well! It was well planned , all adults did their best and our LO was honestly fine!! I think it did help him to process it all.... Would I recommend it Well that's tricky as I know for ALL the adults it was difficult as let's face it - it can go either way. However SW dpt said psychologically, according to research, it would help LO. On the plus our FC were LOVELY and genuinely wanted the best for our LO. They weren't thinking of themselves. 


Can I also point out that SW thought we shouldn't meet again!!!  


I think FC being at supermarket could be a coincidence? As I often go to different shops in different areas depending on my mood. 


Totally understand your anxiety around it all.     These relationships are tricky. And to add to the mix you do feel fiercely protective of your LO - I know I am!!!!!   We love them!!  


Hope this helps! I am a bit tired so have rambled on a bit!


Noodles XX


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## watakerfuffle (Jan 26, 2011)

So many mixed views on contact with fc's but my own experience has been so positive. Fc was very attached to our lo (was with her over a year and seen many milestones) and did struggle and even step out of line in those earlier days of placement but when I thought of what she was going through (even though she signed up for it!) and how much she must have missed our lo I did feel empathetic. I always felt strongly that I wanted to try keep in contact with fc and for lo to see her otherwise I felt it would just be another person that had loved and then left our lo. Anyhow it has all worked out great and a year in we have seen fc several times, in the early days it unsettled lo but is happy and settled now about it all. I realise it can't work out as well as this for everyone but in the ideal world I do think contact with fc is so important and has been a real positive for our lo.  The fc and her family have really benefited to as they see how happy and settled lo is so there not left wondering.


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