# So overwhelmed...



## mrs_ss30 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi ladies.  I don't know how best to start this post so I'll just launch straight in...

I'm struggling to cope with everything at the moment.  I feel like I've been ttc for a lifetime.  I am on my sixth round of clomid and on countdown (4 weeks) to my next hospital appointment where i'm fairly certain i'll be told the next step for us will be IUI.  It's just all so overwhelming.  I'm terrified that this will go all the way to IVF and feel sick about all the waiting lists and costs if we decide to go private.  I keep thinking that this is going to take years before either it happens or we can move on if it doesnt. To be honest, I've had enough after only 2 and a half years, I can't bear the thought of it being 4, 5, 10!!

I know that I'm probably scaring myself silly by not taking this in smaller steps or thinking positive but I can't seem to change my outlook.  I had a gut instinct that I wouldn't be able to have children and so far it's proving true.  I'm so frightened that this 'instinct' will turn out to be reality.  Has anyone else felt this way or am I just odd lol??!

I guess I'm just impatient and need to calm down a bit but any advice on how to do that would be gratefully received as I'm struggling to do it on my own!

Xx


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Hi Mrs S,

Sorry to read you are struggling , ok you need some PMA positive mental attitude, my mum believes in the law of attraction where if you think negative, negative happens. Now im not preaching just want to maybe pop that negative bubble. Every step in this fertility mind field is a step closer to reaching your dream 

Does your primary care offer any NHS funded cycles? also, there are options of IVF abroad, egg sharing etc which all cut the cost IF you have to go down that route. Just focus on the clomid at the moment don't swamp your self with what may not need to happen, just know it is there as a back up if needed.

Do you use a sperm friendly lube? as I know from experiance it clomid can dry up your natural Cervical mucus that the sperm needs to swim in.

There are two well known brands, pre seed (can be bought online) and concieve plus- from boots, near the pg tests.

 xx


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## yogabunny (Sep 12, 2012)

hi mrs s, it is really tough and you are not alone.    i am just like you in my thoughts, and dh thinks i am crazy, he really believes we can relax and get there, this means sometimes he drives me mad as there is too relaxed also!   but he just reminds me of how well i have done so far and that we can do it. as hoping has said, every step is a step closer 

what has helped me - relaxation/ visualisation audio, like zita west or circle and bloom. i just find that listening to those calms me down and brings my mind back to the present, instead of thinking about all the what ifs which constantly can go round in your mind. sometimes i am too worked up to do it properly but even if it is on in the background it has an effect.

- being more healthy has also helped me feel more in control of this journey and between cycling i have got back into yoga which i love, even though i am not brilliant at it!

- i have to force myself to go and have fun which can be hard when you are constantly on treatment, ttc, trying to cut out or reduce alcohol, keeping things secret from some people. but you need a release, things like going to see a silly movie... 

- it's different for everyone, but for me my niece and nephew are an absolute joy and they make me happy regardless of what is happening for me, i find that very comforting. and they can make me laugh til i cry  

- i've also gone freelance which has helped my stress levels also given me something new of my own that is not about ttc.

i never wanted to go down the ivf path, but it is manageable and with the support of this site i have been able to do it. i actually found it easier to tell a few people too, as just three little letters can get across the problem, even if no-one will totally get it unless they've been though it. 

i had a gut instinct too, i have even thought what if i have made it a self fulfilling prophecy.....but i've spoken to women who had a gut instinct too and they had no problems, my advice is try to forget that, and build a new gut instinct, that it will happen.  just tell yourself little things every day, i found katie piper's book inspiring and her affirmations quite helpful.

wishing you lots of luck and baby dust


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## mrs_ss30 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hoping and Yoga, thank you so much for your replies.  It really means a lot that you took the time out to offer some support.

Hoping, you're absolutely right, I do need to burst this negative bubble I'm in.  I think I've forgotten what being positive feels like.  My husband is very much of the same opinion as your mum - think positive and positive things will happen.  I know that I'm not helping myself thinking it'll never happen all the time but I think that comes from the fear that it won't.  I just want to get back to the happy, optimistic person I once was.

To be honest, I don't actually know if my NHS funds IVF.  My consultant has given me reason to believe they do but I've read elsewhere that they don't - that's certainly one to check.  If they do, I don't know how many cycles we get.  That's why I'm panicking about costs now.  That said though, I am being proactive and have started saving so if/when the time comes we are ready.

We do use Conceive Plus.  Although clomid doesn't seem to have 'dried things up' (sorry!) any but I thought it can't hurt to use it anyway.

Yoga - your dh sounds very much like mine!  To be honest, I don't know what I'd do without his laidback approach to it all...he keeps me sane!  Thank you for all the things you suggested.  Yoga and listening to relaxing music are certainly worth a try - I'm a pan pipes girl myself lol, I find them really soothing.  

I don't think it's the thought of having IVF that scares me, I know I'm prepared for that if it came to it, but rather it's the length of time it's going to take to get there if that's the route we need to go down.  The consultant said the waiting list could be anywhere from 3/4 months to a year, and that's going to be after we've been put on the waiting list for and had however many cycles of IUI we are entitled to.  This could be going on years more and the thought of that makes me feel completely and utterly panicked.  

I've got to say, I am so relieved that someone else has had that same gut instinct and I'm not just crazy.  I too thought I may be making it a self fulfilling prophecy so I'm really glad you've said that.  It gives me some hope that rather than it being an 'instinct' it is just all negative thinking, probably stemming from the fact that my cycles were never normal.  I see from your signature that you've had a bfp!?!  Massive congratulations!!  Even more proof that the 'instinct' feeling cannot be accurate!  I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy!!

Thanks again ladies.  I really don't know what I'd do without this site now.  Obviously I wish everyone on here would get their bfp but it's nice to speak to people who really understand what this feels like.

xxx


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