# Desparate for advice, problems with SW



## SR3 (Sep 18, 2008)

I've not posted on here for a while now but always read the posts.

We were told just before Xmas that our SW had finished our home study and that she was completely happy that we could go to panel by February.  Since then we've been put on hold as the LA felt that they needed to meet with one of my DH ex-partners who he'd only been with about 6 months and didn't live together.

We're both so angry with our LA.. they are now holding up the process to interview someone who has no relevance to us as a couple.  We have both been married before and our SW has already interviewed them.  Why is the process so intrusive...... we can't jump through many more hoops.

Has anyone else had this problem ?  I just can't see us ever reaching panel at this rate. Should we seek a second opinion with another LA ?  If this just another test to review our tolerance ??

Any advice would really be appreciated.  After getting this far we don't want to pull out now.. its our dream, our world !!


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## Guest (Mar 9, 2010)

Didn't want to read and run although I have no useful advice, just sending a big   Can you maybe explain to the SW that that relationship was long ago, superficial and nothing to do with you now? I can't believe they'll interview anyone we've ever dated, this is ridiculous  
Hope it is sorted out soon. 

Rivka x


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

how frustrating! 

You are so so near though and I would think that your sw has been advised by someone higher to do this, maybe its something they think panel may bring up    and your sw wants to make sure all bases are covered to prevent any hiccups at panel  

SS would not have brought you this far without wanting to put your through hun, try to remember that  

Is there any chance your SW could give you a rough idea when she thinks panel maybe? 

Best of luck x


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## SR3 (Sep 18, 2008)

We've tried really hard to explain how irrelevant that relationship was but they just keep on pushing.  It seems that you're not supposed to have a past.. its just so unfair.

Every time we get close to seeing our finished report they throw another spanner in the works !


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya 

first of all     i know how you are feeling. we felt that when we were going thru the hs process that we were told one date for panel, then it would be the next month, then the next then the next!! eventually tho the next month did actually happen.  i know how frustrating and disappointed you must be but try and keep ur chin up.  you WILL get there im sure.

lots of love camly x x x x


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

this does seem very strange has something come up that has made them feel this is nessesary??

Has one of your references said anything that may have been misinterpreted??

I am really sorry this has happened to you


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## kittykat1234 (Jan 15, 2010)

Hi there,

Just wanted to say stick with it, you are soooooo close, but i can imagine your frustrations!!  

I had my first hv today and was told they may want to speak with the last relationship i had which was only 2 months long as there was a child involved but thats all and its not definate so it looks like all LA'S and VA'S differ.

Hope it gets sorted soon and try and stay positive (hard i know), but you are nearly there   xxx


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## SR3 (Sep 18, 2008)

Thanks for all your feedback, it really does help to feel I'm not alone  

I'm going to try and speak to my SW again tomorrow and find out if anything has been said that could've misled them.  If there had been any children involved it would explain it but it was just a brief relationship.  I think we've just been a little too honest.  It doesn't always pay to open up your soul


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

ugh soooooo frustrating, we had a hold up too, late in the process but for a much more serious issue (in their eyes) we finally  made it through fine and i'm sure you will too, its just an exercise in box ticking for them..bet someone has just looked at the forms and said the sw's missed it out and to make sure its covered properly in case panel question it..you dont want panel to defer because of it

try and look at it a different way....the child you eventually bring home is waiting for the moment to be right...when you are matched you will look back and know that, if it hadnt beeen held up a little, your stars wouldnt have collided at that perfect moment for you all to come together as a family

kj x


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## Lulu40 (Nov 20, 2009)

You're coming across as quite anxious and frustrated, naturally.

But looking at it from a social worker's perspective, the more you try to convince them that this relationship was nothing and irrelevant and they shouldn't investigate it - because you can't bear the thought of any further delay - the more they're possibly wondering whether you have anything to hide.  

You're wanting to avoid the investigation and avoid further delays, they might be wondering whether there's a different reason you want to avoid the investigation.

Someone mentioned in one of the other threads that the reason for making enquiries of former partners was because of a case where an adopted child had been harmed and then it turned out a former partner said they should have asked her about him, because he'd been violent towards her children.  (I don't know the specific case, I'm just remembering the gist of what someone else mentioned about the reasons for them being so meticulous about background checks nowadays.)

It seems as though it's routine nowadays.  When I enquired about fostering and adoption, I was mortified that they'd want to talk to my exes, one of whom I fell out with rather badly over the proceeds of a house sale and we kind of have a legal agreement as part of the settlement never to contact one another again.  I can imagine how well that's going to go down if they contact him!  But all I could do was say this is the situation, I'd rather you didn't, but if you must, you must and I accept that.  It's all procedure, it's all about ticking the boxes, you can't really fight it.

Getting more and more fraught and trying to insist that they drop the investigation probably won't make them sit at their desk on the other end of the phone and go:  Y'know what, it was a long time ago, it was a brief insignificant relationship and I won't bother after all.

I haven't been through the adoption process myself, but I have had dealings with social workers and social services departments having been in care myself as a teenager.

Telling them that they're wrong doesn't go down well.  

Trying to get a second opinion from another LA likely won't go down well.

Kicking up a fuss might make them think that you're uncooperative.

Like you said, you've come this far it would be a shame to back out now.

Presumably it's taken you a year or two to get this far.  Do you really want to risk having to start all over again with another LA or a VA for the sake of having to wait maybe another couple of months?  

You're so close already, if all the rest of their investigations are complete.  Do you really want to start that whole process over again with another agency, because your anxieties and frustrations and impatience got the better of you at the last minute?


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## kittykat1234 (Jan 15, 2010)

What a lovely and very true way to look at it Keemjay!! Spot on!! I am a firm beleiver that what is meant to be will be and like keemjay says, when you see little one for the first time you will know why this delay has taken place.
Lulu40 - Very wise words and definately points to consider. When i had my first hv yday there were a couple of things i cringed about that she mentioned will have to be done, but i just said ok, if thats what has to be done then it will be and left it at that. I know you will know all this as you are a lot further on from me, but Lulu40 does have a very valid point that if you do question it, they may think ' hang on, whats the problem here??'. 

Your decision though hun - good luck with it all and let us know what happens and try not to get too down, you have come so far   and are doing so well xxx


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

SR3 - i can totally understand what your saying and know where ur coming from.  its very tough going thru this process and not all of it makes complete sense! 

just wanted to let you know that im thinking about u and know ur not alone in thinking what ur thinking.  x x x x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

You've had some good advise and I know how frustrating it can be having SWs digging into your backgrounds but to me if its such an insignificant relationship then theres no reason for you to be worried about them talking to this person  Like Lulu has said they may think you're trying to hide something by your reaction to this.

Do they have this persons address or anyway of contacting them?  If not, I'd be doing all I could to help them find it and get this sorted so you can have a new panel date.

Rather than talking to your SW about if a referee has said anything, ask your referees if any of them mentioned her and what was said.

Good luck and stay with it, when you get that right match this will all seem insignificant.
OT x


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## Guest (Mar 14, 2010)

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope issue is being sorted out. Has there been any progress? Good luck


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