# How do you cope?



## Tessie* (Nov 11, 2007)

Hi,

It's been just over a week since our first dreaded BFN! I have found the last week so tough and have really tried to move on and get back to some normality. It's been really difficult, but I really felt like I was becoming more positive about our situation.

Last night, however we got some news. My best friend has just found out that she is pregnant! We are so close and she is like a sister to me. I really want to be happy for her, but I'm finding it so difficult to cope. They had only been trying for a month! All I can think about is that *IT SHOULD BE ME!* I would have always thought about when my 12 week scan would have been and when our baby would have been born, but now I will be constantly reminded by watching my friend go through all those stages at exactly the same time I would have done!

She has been the most amazing friend to me and has really helped me to get through my first treatment and now I need to support her through her pregnancy, but I just can't imagine how I will do this. I just fear that everything will change between us because I can't imagine ever being able to cope with the situation.

I'm really divided with how I feel about the future. I know everything in her life will now revolve around being pregnant and I want her to feel she can talk to me about it, but we both know it will upset me too. I then worry if she doesn't talk to me about it she will start to keep things from me which will just affect our friendship.

I now feel like I'm back to where I was a week ago - a complete mess! Not only do I now have to figure out how I am going to get over my BFN I have to try and be there for my friend. I feel so selfish and hate myself for the way I feel! I just don't know what to do and how to move on! I feel like my life has been turned upside down!

T xx


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## Kez29 (Jun 30, 2007)

Hi Tessie

I feel I had to reply to you- my heart  goes out to you hun and I know how u feel, most of us do here. I have just had my first failed IVF also a few weeks ago and its only now that im feeling better, please give yourself time and dont forget all the hormones are still racing around your body too which makes it worse. I felt devastated when it failed, like my world had crumbled down, was heartbroken. We understand hun but i promise you will feel better with time.

Regarding your pregnant  friend, god I know how you feel. Ive been in that situation more than once unfortunately. Its so hard isnt it. I had the same thing happen this year to me where a v close friend was pregnant but was very sensitive to me to. She supported me through all my ectopics and the new start before IVF but as much as I tried I was so upset inside, i think it was shock at first. Its not jealousy its envy, which is perfectly normal. Anyway, shes now weeks away from giving birth and we are alot closer, its made us stronger. I havent let it bother me as much as Im pleased for her and shes my mate and I didnt want her to feel uncomfortable at same time. 

Im sure your friend understands your feelings, if shes your best mate and knows how hurt you are at your IVF failing and your need for a baby, she will be there for you too. It wont come between you if you are strong, dont let it either if you can help it. Its hard sometimes not to shy away and distance yourself, its a form of protection, Ive done it many times cos you do need to think about you too. Im sure she will understand, she sounds like a good friend.

I hope you will be ok and have good support from your partner, you can always come here to talk. We all understand and its a very tough time. Are you planning on doing IVF for 2nd time? Ive got my 2nd cycle all booked already and now I have a plan I feel a lot better, only downside is having to pay for it.

Dont give up hope 

Take care

Love Kez xx


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## Tiny21 (Jul 24, 2007)

and thoughts are with you Tessie. 
I know exactly how you feel - see longer post: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=109588.msg1562630#msg1562630
Take care, I am not going to say it gets easier or better as that hasn't happened in my experience but both sisters live away from me so I have been able to avoid it (probably not a good thing in reality), with your friend you are more likely to see her regularly which, though hard, might help you cope? 
Tiny
x


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## beefy (Nov 7, 2007)

had to reply to let you know i am going through similar experience...i got my bfn on wed 14th 2nd one...my friend who i work with also has just found out she is pregnant too.going to go through her pregnancy being reminded that it could of been me too..i went to speak to her,,and although there were lots of tears ..i wanted her to know that i didn't want her avoiding me or being scared to mention babies to me,,,,it is her time ..and i dint want it spoiled although i know it is going to be hard for me at times...it has helped me slightly because she needed to hear that from me and appreciated it.....its not going to be easy...I'm struggling with my feelings,,but your not alone and there is this wonderful site where your in company where everyone can empathise.....take care and just take each day as it comes..

                                  love beefy


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## kaypea (Nov 15, 2007)

Hi Tessie
Wanted to reply and let you know I know how you feel  
My sister-in-law can't stop producing babies - just announced her fourth is on the way! I was so shocked by the sudden wave of horrible feelings - hatred and really vile jealousy and just plain rage - which came over me when I heard the happy news. I thought I must be a really nasty person who probably didn't deserve to be pregnant. Of course that's not true. NOne of us deserve any of this! Hang in there.  You sound so close to your friend, it sounds like your friendship may carry you through. Just wanted to tell you you are not alone. 
Thinking of you  
KP
xx


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## Tessie* (Nov 11, 2007)

Thank you so much for your replies. It has made me feel so much better to know that it's not just me that feels like this in this situation. I really do hate the emotions I am feeling! Reading your messages gave me the confidnce to talk to my friend. We had such a good chat, hug and cry. It really does seem to have brought us closer. I just hope I can cope as time goes on and as her pregnancy progresses. I know there will be more hard times and tears. FF has made me realise that's OK and the support we offer each other on this site is amazing! I don't know how I'd cope without you.

T xx


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