# Every day I have different emotions



## Mrs Moo (Aug 7, 2010)

I had a BFN on wednesday cried all day, Thursday I felt angry and today I feel lost.  I know a break is needed as this is what the consultant advises to get my body ready again but dont you feel like you just want to try sooner rather than later. Sometimes I could just cry out of knowhere other times it takes something to trigger it like on tv I cant believe how many emotions me and my DH have experienced its so tough and next time is probably going to be our last time so thats going to be even harder, all I can hope is that the next time we are blessed.

My heart goes out to all you ladies out there who are experiencing this all beit once or many times over I'm sure times a great healer but at the moment I just cant focus on anything but this heartache  

I would take all the pain I have suffered from the Endo over this pain I am feeling now.  Here's hoping the universe answers us all next time


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## Irish Dee (Jan 30, 2008)

Hi Mrs  Moo,

Just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that you are not alone.  I wrote the following post after my 3rd BNF.  Hope you have some good people around you to give you  hugs and just to listen,

Dee

***********************************
Just wanted to put a few thoughts down in words to try to support/encourage anyone else who might have gotten or will get a BFN in the next few weeks.

I think that I am lucky to be blessed with an upbeat, cheerful, optimistic outlook and before I embarked on this IVF journey, I tried to make sure that I understood the actual chances.

The statistics have to be taken notice of and I was aware going into this that 72% of women in my age group (3 are unsuccessful at IVF. 

I decided that I would not allow myself to feel like any kind of failure/disappointment if it did not work for us. The more I thought about 28% success rates, the more I felt that it was a great number, but I have to think that it was always more likely not to work. Would anyone here back a horse that was 72% likely to lose a race? (I know its a rubbish analogy, but it's the best I have today).

I have to now accept that this cycle has not worked, but what are my choices? 

Do I lock myself in a darkened room and let myself cry and howl and feel absolutely depressed and down? 
Do I push my husband away and not allow his sorrow to hep me recover? 
Do I cut myself off from my friends who have children because I can't cope with them? 
Do I allow all my anger and frustration to colour my view of my life and kill all enjoyment or happiness until I have my baby in my arms. 

What will happen if I let that happen?

Will my clinic ring me and say that they've made a mistake and that I am actually pregnant. Of course not and by allowing myself to soak in misery and heartbreak, who will I actually be hurting?

Or course I'm going to allow myself some time to heal, feel a bit stronger and maybe enjoy a beer or two. When I feel stronger, only then will I allow myself back on this crazy journey again.

I'm not saying that I don't care, of course I do, but I have to be realistic about the chances of success and I'm not going to let my life be destroyed by infertility.

Where is it written that we all get what we want in life? Maybe a great husband, a nice home, good friends and a lovely, supportive family is what I get? I have to appreciate what I have and enjoy my life.

If I have a baby some day, it has to be an enhancement to my life and I can't live a half existence waiting for my life to start when I get a baby. 

On a positive note, I now know that I my body responds well to the down regulating drugs, that my DH and I can create 'viable' embryos and most importantly we can get to the stage of transfers. How many unfortunate ladies even here on this site never even get to the transfer stage and face abandoned cycle after abandoned cycle? 

Best of luck to everyone starting the process and to everyone who is waiting to test in the next few weeks

Massive hugs to everyone here, who march towards motherhood, like a silent army. Keep the faith and our time will come.

Ding ding, bring on round 4!!!!!


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## Tama (Feb 6, 2009)

Mrs Moo I'm so sorry to hear about you bfn    They are heart breaking    

I have just had my 2nd IVF bfn, we have been ttc no. 1 for just over five years and each month I have hoped and each month I get another bfn. I have found that this bfn has made me very angry and the next moment just totally broken and in tears.

I am sure that these are normal feelings and have been told in time I will feel better - doesn't help now. I know my first IVF was so painful I thought my heart would just stop working.

I really hope that over the coming days you start to feel a little better    I think you need to let your feeling play out and just give yourself time to heal. I don't think the pain ever goes away but just seems to become easier to live with.

I really hope that you will be successful with your next tx    Sending you BIG     

All the best

Tama xx


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## frith (Jun 9, 2010)

I feel for you. I too went through a total roller coaster of emotion. I even broke down crying in Tesco. Didn't eat for days.

I won't say it gets better, because that doesn't help. And I supose it doesn't, I still cry often after 4 weeks, but it does get easier. 

The last post puts it in a nut shell. I pushed people away and didn't want to talk to anyone. But take support when it's offered. I didn't think talking to the counseler would help, but it's good to talk to someone that your not worried about upseting like your partner and family.


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## spooq (Sep 18, 2006)

Hiya Mrs Moo, I'm so sorry about your BFN    It will take time for the pain to feel less raw but it will soften eventually.  I can't tell you that you'll feel 100% in a few months c'os whilst on the IF rollercoaster, you will struggle through but after experiencing a BFN, it is particularly difficult.  But as I've said, you will be able to pick yourself back up once some time has passed and you've been able to heal a little   

Dee, I really loved reading your post. I am usually quite an optimistic but realistic person and will try to find the positive in any situation however, I believe that IF is really testing me and has definitely changed me (not necessarily entirely for the worst) forever. A lot of the questions you pose really do ring true and I'm going to read this everytime I'm going through a particularly negative period, like now   

Tama, like you, I've gone through my 2nd failed IVF/ICSI this year after TTC#1 for over 5 years. That anniversary was horrible and I feel that I seem to live anniversary-to-anniversary even though I really try not to. Every Nov when its my birthday, I think that's another year I'm not a Mum and another year I lose with my child. Every Xmas I don't feel like celebrating (but I do anyway) because its yet another reminder that time has passed, that I've spent my time living the last few years suffering from IF. However, we can only be strengthened by our experiences and always have hope because some day, whether as a Mum or by accepting a child-free life, we will be happy.

Frith, I'm like you and tend to shut people away. I don't like talking about it, not even with DH, though I've been trying more recently. I find it easier to keep it within me and work through my grief that way. I know that a lot of ppl don't think that's particularly healthy but each to their own! However, I work at it all the time and do my best to keep moving on with life even though sometimes I'm in a lot pain. But its still important to accept that yes, we are on a difficult journey, and that yes we're allowed to feel sad.

       for all couples suffering from IF.

Suzi
xxx


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## Mrs Moo (Aug 7, 2010)

Thank you to everyone who has replied these comments mean so much to me. 

I usually try to be very positive I read alot of visualisation books like "The Secret" and have very positive friends although once upon a time I was such a pessimist.  Now however I have to say that I'm not in a very positive place but when me and my DH embark on journey No 2 I'm sure I will get there again. 

We go away for a weeks holiday and then when I come back I start back to work after 7 months which will take some adjusting to but it may help me as I am such a people person its hard not be around people although sometimes you do just want to shut yourself off.  

Now I know what we go through with IVF I think it may be alot harder the 1st time it was quite exciting and you really do believe that its going to happen 1st time maybe I'm going to feel different the next time, we shall see....

Lotsa love and big hugs to everyone 
Sharon xx


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