# i feel so lost really need some friends tht understand how im feeling



## LauraLoo20 (Mar 21, 2010)

ok so here we go ermmmm dnt really know where to start tbh. im 20 years old and infertile doctor thinks my one and only tube is blocked. me and my fiance have been ttc for nearly 3 years now, have got tht BFP once but it turned out to be an ectopic. they removed tht and my tube. when they removed it they saw alot of scar tissue and adhesions which i think has come from an ovarian cyst tht i got diagnosed with about 3 years ago . having a lap and dye in a few months to determine wether this is the case. kind of hope it is at least then i will have some answers and explanations and hopefully move forward from the place i am at the moment. i just feel so alone in all this my friends dont know wht to say to me they just tell me tht i will get pregnant and tht im still young. it doesnt make me feel any better tho just brings it all bck home to me and i just think if im so young then why the hell am i having these problems.  i guess it makes me angry i dont wanna b angry but thts how i feel. i feel as tho i dont deserve 2 b hear because i cant do wht im put on this earth to do.....i feel useless. my dad died when i was 16 and i just really really need my own family.  but it seems sometimes tht nobody understands wht i feel. im so fed up of feeling so down my only option at the moment (i know it sounds extreme is to end it all or to drown my hurt. but thts honestly how i feel. ive thought about anti depressants but really dont wanna get addicted to them cuz i kno tht this can happen. i just feel a failure !!! i really wanna try some IVF but the thought of this terrifies me. would i just get laughed at because of my age?? i cant wait anymore because its pulling me further and further down. i would reallyt love to here back from some of u girlies beacsue i really need some HELP at the moment. Can any1 realate to tubal problems and IVF i would love to hear from u   and loadsa baby dust too u all xxx


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## sequinn (Aug 5, 2009)

Oh honey - your post speaks so clearly of your hurt and upset which, I'm afraid, is hand in hand with infertility (no matter how long or at what age).  I can't really help with your questions as our reasons for IF are so different.  Dare I say you have come to the right place to get lots of love and support!!

Have a look around the boards to see which ones are most likely to give you the answers you are looking for.

xxxxx


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## ahssakat (Mar 20, 2010)

Hey,

I had to respond to your post as you sound so down. Even if I can't give you any useful advice at least you know someone is listening     First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father when you were so young. It must have been terrible. I'm sure that you are still grieving for him. Do you have brothers or sisters who you can share that experience with? You don't mention your mother, so I assume she's not in the picture, or it's difficult for you to talk to her. You say you need to have a family of your own as soon as possible - perhaps you need more time to get over the loss of your dad before going through the stress of IVF etc.

I can relate to your fertility problem. It's horrible, but I am really worried about your depression. I think it is better to try and get some help, even if it is anti-depressants. Go to see your doctor - I would assure he knows the stress you're under and will try and give you what support he can.

Please feel free to ignore this paragraph. I'm also going to say something really insensitive, something that your friends have been saying to you that you don't want to hear. You're young - twenty. Maybe now is not the time to be getting yourself in knots over this? Have fun for a few years - save some money, take your fiance, and go to Australia, New Zealand and Asia. IVF can wait - even ten years will not make you 'too old.' I'm 30 and wondering whether I'm ready to go through it!

Anyway, please try and get help for your depression, and ignore anything I said that upsets you. I just wanted you to know that having a baby is not your only option at the moment.

Love

Kat


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## LauraLoo20 (Mar 21, 2010)

hi thanx for responding u havent upset me im one for taking in what ppl say. My dad was very ill and tbh it was probably kinder for him to leave us as we was so so ill. Everything tht happend back then has made me mature alot quicker thn someone else my age; which is why i think i need a family   i just know if im having problems now there mre than likely knowing my luck are only gonna get worse. This is just how things always seem to work out 4 me.   im still trying to live my life i have a trip booked in June with some friends and fiance, i still work and socialise. but this problem is always there its the first thing i think about and the last i think about before i go to bed. As for mum we are working on our relationship and its comin along good; but shes never been here b4 she just got pregnant. i dont think she can even begin to contemplate how i feel with this. xx. I think IVF is a big step for anyone


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## dakota (Feb 6, 2007)

Laura , firstly a big   and secondly welcome to Fertility Friends  

I know how hard it is when your young and want a family and its not happening. Half of my friends were starting there own families and the other half were out drinking most nights, no one really understood what i was going through or how i was feeling and ended up in a very dark place.

Like you i also didnt want to go down the anti depressent route, and my GP referred me for counselling which really helped, not just with the pain of IF but other things that were affecting me too. Its worth enquiring about as you from your post you really need that support  

Nikki xx


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## coweyes (Sep 4, 2008)

LauraLoo

Sounds as if we have been through similar things  .  My dear dad was paralysed in a car crash and later died in hospital the man driving the car i went to school with and still occasionally see him around.  This took me about 5 years to really be able to move on from and only really managed when i met my wonderful husband.  We got married 2 years after we met and brought a little house that needed a lot of work.  We then started thinking about having a family.  A year later we had fertility testing where they found my dh had low sperm count.  There was still a chance that it could happen naturally though, and even though our consultant discussed icsi with us we left it a year hoping it would just happen naturally, well it did not.  So we went back and started the ball rolling on the ivf (icsi) front and then i became ill and found out i had a natural ectopic pg where i had a tube removed.  This really was the end of our natural fertility!  I then stepped down from my dep managers post at a care home cos i was struggling so so much with things.  Since then i have had a car crash and two rounds of icsi, one resulting in an early miscarrage and one which was just negative.

Life has been at times really really tough for me, my dear husband and for our relationship, but what i have learnt is that its so so important to recognise when things are too much.  Its one thing being worried, sad and angry about things, that totally natural and as someone else said comes hand in hand with IF.  But the feeling i got when i read your message is that it was more than that!  When my dad died i felt unable to cope with life and was nearly sectioned as i was feeling suicidal.  I never, never want to feel that way again and make a point of recognising the signs that i am struggling way before i get there.  I think your so focused on wanting a baby that you are not listening to what your body and mind is saying to you!.  Its shouting out that it needs help, you must listen to it, because your in a very dark place at the moment.  Please please go and see your gp and tell him how you feel allow him to put you on anti dep and make sure you get some councilling, even take time off work if you feel it will help.  The most important thing at the moment is your health and not having a baby.  Eveything else will appear a little clearer and manageable when your in a better frame of mind.  I totally understand your fears about ivf but believe me you cope with what you have to and NO woman on here would believe that they have coped with what they have, esp me.  (if that makes seance )  Take some time out and get yourself sorted before you start trying to sort your IF issues out. 

Please take care of yourself and get some help.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Hello
I am sorry you are in this dark place we call infertility.

It is really difficult when you have lost a parent. I have lost my mum and I really need her to talk to. I found mothers day very difficult with a dead mother and a dead baby this year. It breaks your heart.

Modern anti-depressants are not really addictive as such, but might need to be weaned off slowly to avoid withdrawal symptoms. If you really are clinically depressed then you should be assessed by your GP. You need to take them for 6 months after the depressive symptoms are resolved to prevent relapse. There are some recent safety concerns concerned with some of these drugs and heart defects in babies, so you might want to put TTC on hold if you do go down that route.

Another thing that might interest you is egg sharing. If you need IVF yourself and you are finding the expense of it daunting, and do not meet the NHS criteria for IVF as you are so young, egg sharing might be an option for you. As you are so young you are more likely than older women to respond to the drugs well and produce a lot of healthy eggs. Some of these eggs can be donated to another couple who do not have any of their own. Both couples benefit - you get free IVF and the recipient gets the chance of a baby they would not have otherwise, and they pay for the cycle.

Obviously, there is the point that one of your biological children might be brought up by someone else for 18 years and they might come and find you later in their life - you would need to decide if this was something you could do.

There are also some other criteria that you have to meet. Here is a leaflet from the clinic I attend.

http://www.lwclinic.co.uk/download/OD%20Information%2001.06.07.pdf

IVF seems like a big uphill struggle, until you actually do it. Then it becomes much easier - sometimes the worrying is worse than the actual thing. No one will laugh at you hunni, they will think of you as brave 

I have had people tell me that I will get pregnant if I relax. I will get pregnant if I want a baby less. I will get pregnant as I am (was) still young.
These people have not got a bloody clue and just make you feel worse - how can I get pregnant when I have no working fallopian tubes and a husband who has no sperm at all?
I just want to tell them to p!ss off , but of course I am too polite!

**This post contains an unconfirmed link/information and readers are reminded that FertilityFriends.co.uk or its owners are not responsible for the content of external internet sites**


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Laura and welcome to Fertility Friends 

Laura hunny  I'm so glad you've posted to say how you are feeling  You really need support right now. I think you need to tackle the grief from your dad passing away, then move onto your next goal  Have you had any form of councelling at all? What's been said about anti-depressants .... I think you should have a chat with your doctor, there are so many antid's out there, there will be one to suit you. Even it's a mild doseage it may just help take the edge of how you are feeling, and if controlled properly, there is no reason why you should become addicted to them hun  It doesnt help that there's a stigma attched to taking them, but no-one needs to know and it's an old fashioned stigma. Please dont let it put you off 
See if your GP can refer you to a good councellor too. You could try to organise something independantly if you preferred. Here's a suggestion  
CRUSE Bereavement Care
0870 167 1677
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

With regards to starting IVF, many of the clinics within the UK do have their own councelling service to go hand in hand with the procedure. IVF seems very daunting, after all it's something we never thought we'd have to do, we dont know what it entails. The only thing you can do to make it a little easier is to break it down into little chunks and overcome each chunk at a time. Think of it like knitting (stick with me on this!) You need to knit a row of 20 stitches. Dont think about the entire jumper you have to knit, just the first 20 stitches to make one row. If you drop a stitch, you pick it up and carry on til you finish the row. If you are lucky, you get to finish the jumper perfectly, but sometimes it can take a couple of tweaks or attempts to get it right  
I hope that made sense 
Above all, please stay in contact with us here. FF is probably the best form of support you can get, likeminded people going through a similar journey.

Please have a good look around the boards, feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home. Fertility Friends is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too (add them to your buddy list in your profile!), lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping or even nights out! You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other. It's hard when family and friends don't fully comprehend what this journey entails and the emotions that go with it.

Here are some links which you should find really useful at the moment&#8230;&#8230;

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*Peer Support (for asking fertility and treatment related questions of your fellow FFers) ~ * CLICK HERE

*Tubal Factors ~ *CLICK HERE

*Pregnancy loss ~ *CLICK HERE 

*Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply) *CLICK HERE

There are several stages to IVF, this will help to explain it 
*A Rough Guide To IVF ~*   CLICK HERE

When and if you decide to start IVF, we have an area here where you can go through it with others at the same time. This is called the cycle buddies. So you wont be on your own and you'll get so much support 

*Cycle buddies ~ *CLICK HERE

*Keep a diary of your treatment ~ * 
CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!

Wishing you lots of luck    and 
Keep in touch
Ceri xx

PS I have also sent you a pm (private message)


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## gracey88 (Mar 9, 2010)

HEY LAURA

I am 21 and know how you are feeling. I only found out in dec that my tubes were blocked as beforw that we thought it was a male factor problem...and turned out it was me! To be told this at 21 broke my heart as i never had a clue, normal periods etc.

No i have come to terms with it and met a lovely consultant we are having icsi ivf as my husband has low sperm count also so this is the last option for us.

Please try to stay postive i know its hard and especially being so young.

Are you seeing any docotors or cons?

  
being on here has helped me to find out loads of things and will help you on your jouney...it has me


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## Monkeymoo (Nov 11, 2009)

Would just like to say my little bit which most people have said here before me. You are not on your own. I cannot say I completely understand your scenario as me and my husband have unexplained fertility where all ersults of tests are normal. Me and my husband are both 29 and have been trying for a family for years and years. I too thought we'd be too young to be put forward for fertility treatment when we first started out but there was no problems and we were lucky to receive NHS funding. I Lost my Dad when I was 24 and a month later my husbands mum passed away. I was recently involved in a car accident which could have been extremely fatal if things had happened a minute later. BUT we have to keep smiling, I know it seems easy for other peeps to say this to you but things WILL get better, age is on your side, go out have some fun, life's too short


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## LauraLoo20 (Mar 21, 2010)

Hi Gracey88  
Thanks for replying to my post, its nice to know theres people on here my age with blocked tubes. Good luck with the ICSI  !!! I am currently seeing a consultent following an ectopic pregnancy last year  . it broke my heart as wed been trying for ages and they needed to remove my baby and one of my tubes. when they were in there they removed a very large cyst and was alot of scar tissue and adhesions. although they are doing a lap and dye in a few months i am already 99% sure tht my tube is blocked. i know tht might seem really negative but i know how long it has taken us to conceive and it being ectopic then the mess it was down there just spells it out for me and my partner. really wanna get this lap and dye sorted and done then know my next steps and start IVF. Have been in touch with an IVF clinic, have worked out a guesstomite on how much its gonna cost us and planning to go along to an open evening at Bristol Reproductive clinic to have a look around etc. Once again i wish you the best of luck   and lots of baby dust  . and hope u get your   very soon xxxx


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## Mazza1971 (Aug 19, 2009)

Dear LauraLoo20, 
You have been through a lot and are only 20 and I am sending you   . Everyone's longing and need for a baby is completely  personal to them and as you know that you will need treatment then there is nothing wrong in getting the ball rolling. I have always known that I wanted children from a very young age, however I didn't meet my husband until I was 29 (day before I was 30) so by the time we started trying for a baby I was 32. I have found over the years that we have put our lives on hold just in case I am pregnant etc... and it is the worst thing you can do..
Look at all your options that are available. Speak to your doctor and ask them to refer you to a fertility specialist. Everyones PCT seem to be different as to when you will be eligible for free NHS IVF treatment but you never know with your GP fighting your corner you may get referred. Or as someone has said there may be the option of egg sharing. Read a fertility book about the various changes you can make in your diet to make your body ready for conception (unfortunately even though alcoholics, drug addicts etc. seem to be able to reproduce without a change in diet it is helpful to prepare your body). I really hope you will start to feel better by being proactive. Infertility is a minefield and there are lots that can be done to help you realise your dream but being positive that one day you will have a baby, be a Mum and you and your fiance WILL have a family will help your state of mind.

But most of all don't put your life on hold because when you do get your baby you will be ready and will feel that you have not missed out on anything!


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## bunny73 (Jan 29, 2009)

Hi lauraloo  

Didnt want to read and run.
I am 23 and have blocked tube as well as other problems, DH has sperm problems too.
Just wanted to say feel free to message me if you fancy a chat or want to ask any questions.
Big hugs  
Bunny xXx


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## Zoelouise (Mar 10, 2010)

Lauraloo,

I just wanted to say that _I promise _ time will heal the pain of losing your pregnancy, although it is always with you. You will find that you look forward and not back.

I try to think that for a very important reason that i do not yet know, my baby will arrive when the time is perfect and, with hindsight, you will know why you had to wait.

I cry almost everyday with this IF but there are so many of us going through the same feelings of not feeling like a proper woman... i specifically dont think about a future where i am not a mum and most importantly i keep believing that it is what i am meant to do in life... soon 

The person (i dont remember your name sorry!) who suggested travelling was right i think... you never know where your baby might be conceived! Try to take a bit of a breather so that when you become a mum you are in a relaxed and happy head space, you have many fertile years to come.

take care,

Zoe x


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