# 25 things I wish I could tell people about Infertility



## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hey all

I was messing around on the net and came across this list (well most of it I added a couple of things in cos I wanted to send it to a friend who was desperate to understand after a slight hiccup between us).  Sorry it's so long but thought I would post it on here - would anyone add anythng to it?



1. I wish you understood that infertility changes people. I am not the same person I was before I experienced it nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will be frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try and get to know the “new me”…maybe you will still like me.

2. I wish you would not be afraid to speak to me about my losses, my infertility, and to ask questions or if you can help. 

3. If I cry or get emotional when we talk about them, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. The fact that I have suffered has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing. 

4. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that nothing is happening to me, because it is a large part of my life. I need my friends and family by my side. 

5. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day, my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling. 

6. Being an infertile person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. 

7. I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected during and following what is happening to me. 

8. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over if and when I become pregnant or have children. We struggle to accept the fact that with each attempt at a child, we will face the same fears, concerns and challenges. We will also never forget the pain of losing a dream.

9. I wish you would understand the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight…sleep all the time or not at all…want to surround myself with business or be all alone, all of which may be related to my grief. 

10. My birthday, anniversaries of the failed pregnancies, holidays, and the days I find out that this cycle too was a bust, are all terrible times for me. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about me, and if I get quite withdrawn, just know I am doing my best to cope. Please don’t try to coerce me into being cheerful or tell me that it will be better soon. 

11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs throughout this journey. We will question things we have been taught all our lives, and hopefully come to some new understandings to include those with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion, opinions, and beliefs without making me feel guilty. 

12. I wish you would not offer me drinks or drugs to ease the pain. These are just temporary crutches. The only way I can get through this grief is to experience it, and sometimes immerse myself in it. I have to hurt before I can heal. 

13. I wish for those friends and family that are pregnant to understand that we are happy for them and our sadness/perhaps odd or distant behavior during this time is not personal but just a part of what we are grieving. 

14. I wish that you will not avoid or stop calling because you don’t know what to say. Show me that you care and I can lean on you. 

15. I wish that you would not judge the times that I am sad or find it hard to deal with things (like pregnancies and christenings). Infertility does not make us bad people just people in pain. 

16. I wish you did not tire of my constant mood swings and ups and downs, but that you would just be there when ever I was ready to talk. 

17. I wish you would not judge the decisions I choose to make. Keep an open and supportive mind and respect my thoughts and actions. 

18. I wish you would do the best you can to put yourself in my shoes and think about what you would do and how you would feel and use that as your guide to support me.

19. I wish that you pray for me to have strength and guidance and that this pain will subside.

20. I wish you would not try to offer solutions. Trust me, we have been searching for the answer with all the effort our souls.

21. Infertility is not a punishment for unrighteousness or a consequence of having done something “wrong.” It is an unfortunate side effect of being human and a recognized medical condition.

22. I wish you could see that the goal is not to “get pregnant.” It is to have a healthy baby and eventually the family that we crave.

23. I wish everyone knew that I do not judge them. There are many things which are part of life and I understand that life carries on. People face different choices and I will do my best to be there to love and support even if the situation is as far from my own as can possibly be imagined. When I discovered I was infertile I didn't lose my sense of human compassion.

24. I wish I had never had to write this and that people already knew about infertility and knew that it is ok to talk about it. If someone had a crisis then you would ask how they were doing – that’s what infertility is, a life crisis, and just asking doesn’t mean you will find yourself in an uncomfortable position, it will just show that you care enough to ask.

25. I wish people didn’t exclude me from things just because I am not a Mother. Not having children does not mean that I do not understand unconditional love! I am not an alien because I cannot have children and I am not to be feared or looked at like I have two heads. I did not choose to be infertile and I do not choose to remain childless.


Cherriepie

xxx

p.s.  Have posted this in two places as didn't know which board to put it on.....still quite new to the site so hope you are allowed to do that!!!!


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

26. If i do get pregnant, i will feel guilty for being so, and worried about what i say as i dont want to upset my fellow FF. I still feel the pain from the years of IF and understand that getting pregnant is not the end of the journey, it only ends when youve given birth. you are just that bit closer to "the prize" which is great but not entirely easy either. Everyone expects you to "jump up and down" and you feel a let down because you dont. Its not that youre not a million percent grateful for being pregnant, its just youre not sure how far your luck is gonna stretch.


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Well said Avon!

Not there myself yet but when I got BFP on IVF cycle I felt like I was leaving everyone behind.  I thought that I should be "happier" even though I was beaming from ear to ear but that in itself made me feel kind of bad.  And, like you say you just sit there thinking "is luck going to stay with me".  

Sending lots and lots of     your way.  

I think that is an excellent one to add to the list as it let's your fellow FF know that you still understand them and so much more besides.  

Cherriepie

xxxxxxxx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

thanks hun   even dh told me off today for looking at the scan pics as he said it could upset the other women (incase had miscarried recently) even though everyone around me was pregnant. i felt so guilty. its obviously still fresh in his mind too


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## Lully77 (Apr 11, 2008)

Number 26 is spot on.  When you've been through the same stuff as your fellow FFs it's so difficult not to feel bad .  When we got our BFP I just wanted the same to happen to everyone else.  I know life isn't like that but I just felt so bad for others and so did my DH x


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Avon - don't feel bad for looking at the scan pics although I appreciate that it's still on DH's mind (and most likely yours) - I think the excitement takes over....it's only natural.  

Lully - that just goes to show what a caring person you both are - I'm guessing that most people hang around on here after BFP which is great although I guess for some it's just too hard. 

Think both of you are fab and hope you enjoy every second of what's to come....try not to feel bad for doing so cos I am sure, like me, everyone on the site is delighted for your both and for certain, for me, your good news gives me so much hope.

Lots of luv n  

xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Lully77 (Apr 11, 2008)

Cherriepie   

I really hope this is the one for you     

Lully x


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

ah thanks cherrypie. i wasnt making a fuss or anything just wanted a quick glimpse   i mean there were kids running round and everything and i saw another woman doing the same. and at this main hospital the women chat together in the waiting area its not like assisted conception where you all never have eye contact and have your head in a magazine! was enjoying it and then dh told me to stop. i guess i need to be quiet and restrained but that isnt in my nature espec when i am excited!

i want it for everyone on here. i still feel the pain when i see those baby adverts on the telly, i feel it on behalf of me before, and FF in general.


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Aww thanks Lully and Avon!

Avon - it's really nice that DH cares so much though, so many men just don't take time to think.  Maybe it will just take him a little while to get out of "clinic" mode....lol.  Maybe have a wee chat with him and reassure him that it's ok to be happy and excited.  My DH gets funny like that too - like he doesn't want to talk about it when things go right in case he jinxes it - and here was me thinking that us ladies were supposed to be the superstitious gender....lol.

Know what you mean about sitting with your head in a magazine.  First thing DH does when we go to clinic is find himself a nice chair in front of the tv....lol.  Think I may just say "Hi" next time when I am at the clinic.  May not get a response but I know I would feel better if someone said hi and there wasn't that funny silence.  Always feel like the ladies there could do with a bit of a chat about anything in general but then that could just be me.  Been known as a chatterbox since nursery school and it's on EVERY report from school    

xxxxxxxxxx


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## fishface (Jun 17, 2008)

Lovely post cherrypie - i was choked


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

dh knows how sensitive i was to things thats why hes being like that. hes learnt a lot!! even bought me flowers for the first time in years the other day!! nah i think i will leave him to bring me down i dont wanna get too giddy need to keep grounded! difficult one with the conversations at fertlilty clinic cause you dont know why there in there. sometimes if someone had have spoken to me i would have burst out crying cause you try and hold it all in dont you? difficult one.


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Think you are right!!  Have just put my foot in it with a close friend of mine.  Her and hubby were waiting to start 1st cycle of IVF after goodness knows how many tries with clomid.  Just emailed her to see how she was getting on and got a reply saying that her and hubby have split.  Feel absolutely awful!!!  She did say that she is feeling really positive and enjoying freedom but.........

Will just keep mouth shut at clinic me thinks!

They do learn a lot don't they.....that's lovely that he bought you flowers and long may that continue....lol.  Can see where you are coming from about him bringing you down a bit - think we all get a bit anxious about getting too excited.

xxxxxxx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

yeah he is a good leveller my dh. very down to earth and doesnt take any hormonal rubbish off me   tells me how it is and that is good for me   he is sensitive just says stuff when nec, not one to chatter like my goodself  

dont be too hard on yourself hun, you wernt to know they had split   you would have felt worse if you hadnt asked how she was!!! yeah you gotta be sure before speaking to strangers that its welcome.


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Maybe he can give my DH lessons.  He does his best but can tell me off a bit too strongly sometimes although I do need it.  My mouth sometimes runs away without my brain and my DH has taught me to think before I speak although as you can tell there may still be some way to go on that one......   

Still feeling bad about earlier with my friend but think you are right - I would have felt worse if I hadn't asked.  Think it's because I know that she has been through so much and that she wants/wanted children.....just sad really to see that it has all come between them I guess.  I know she said she is feeling positive but still want to give her a big hug but wouldn't want to push it - she knows I am here if she needs me and that's the best I can do just now.

xxxxxxxxxxx


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hey Avon

How slow am I?  Just realised that you went for scan.....doh.  We were only talking about it.  So now that my head is out of the Suprecur cloud - how did it go  How did you feel...was it like you had thought?

Sorry if I am asking too many questions.......

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

I would like people to know that I'm not childless because I was 'making other lifestyle choices'. Apart from to not trick some poor man to get pg. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm not a career woman - I just left it too long looking for the right partner xxx


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Like that one too Emmalottie.  There are so many stereotypes and judgements placed on couples dealing with infertility and hate to say it but women seem to bear the brunt of it. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

emmalottie - yeah people presume all sorts dont they  

cherrypie - as long as she knows you are there and you care thats the main thing. it would be worse if you wernt asking. we all know that feeling as soon as you get a bfn for example, once everyone has updated themselves they carry on there lives as normal and avoid talking to you about it!

the scan went well though she did wiggle the thing around with the jelly for a few mins before she would tell me anything which sent my fear into overdrive?! they arent as sensitive at the main hospital as they are at the assisted conception unit. they treat you more "run of the mill" which is taking a while to adjust to!!! i AINT run of the mill


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Lol - don't think run of the mill applies to any of us....lmao.  I imagine it will take getting used to after being poked and proded and checked so often at ACU!

Such a shame that they aren't as sensitive at the main hopsital and how cruel to leave you hanging like that - my heart would have been in my mouth.  Maybe she was new at it....lol.  Glad that it went well though.

  

xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

its weird at antenatal its like they are all the people ive been avoiding for the last 4 years!! sat there with other preg women who are in there own little worlds. its very strange. and it still winds me up!>?? they still dont understand me!! i still dont fit in!!!!


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## cherriepie (Nov 3, 2007)

Hey Avon

Can see where you are coming from - I never quite got as far as you but still felt different.  To be honest I think it comes down to the shock of it all (we try and pray and hope but when it happens it's a bit like nah....I'm dreaming....lol) - don't think it will sink in completely until you are holding your little bundle in your arms.  On the other hand you may always feel a little different but it's only because you have had to fight harder for your miracle!!!  Perhaps thats a good thing - when he/she is a teenager and driving you mad you will remember what you've been through and think "hell yeah it was worth it".....lol.

Hope all is well!!!

Cherriepie

xxxxxxxxxx

p.s.  Have read first few posts in your diary and it's fab so thanks again....lol.


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## martina79 (Jul 27, 2008)

Hi Cherriepie
what an amazing post - i think the list sums up how we all feel

Avonqueen - the hospital was horrible - leaving u hanging without telling u the baby was ok!  even if u concieved easily every woman will want to know her baby's ok but after what we've gone thru u feel like u need a bit of extra tlc!  luckily my hospital & mw have been quite understanding/ 

i do feel a bit weird being pg - i don't want to b one of the smug women but at the same time i am so happy something i thought would never happen has.  i'm just trying to keep my tummy rubbing to the privacy of my own home  I had an antenatal class last week for early back care & i felt a bit of a fraud surrounded by pg women - like they were 'proper' pg & i wasn't - its hard to explain but i think all the pain makes u feel 'different'


its funny when u start to talk to people about ur fertility probs u soon find out how many women have had trouble concieving, mc's etc but its just not something we talk about its like a shameful secret that must be hidden.  i've had a few people ask was it planned & i feel like saying 'you have no idea'!  

martina xx


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## Avon Queen (Jul 8, 2007)

cherrypie - haha yeah youre right! i just long to hold em and it still feels like a long way off dream! no worries im glad my diary has been of use  

martina79 - i know! the lady who did the scan was prg herself and just treated it "like a job" whereas my heart was hanging by a thread!! they said it doesnt matter to them HOW i got pregnant, just that i am pregnant. which is fair enough, i mean, i dont expect special treatment of anything (then i felt guilty because i think they think thats what i meant). But they have to have some consideration that its taken so long to get here and so much upset and time has passed beforehand. it matters to ME where ive come from and makes a huge difference to my journey. but i guess thats my problem isnt it. Yeah i do feel different. and the women at work that got preg when i was ttc and that i saw and felt upset by are now gathering round in support and i realise they never meant any harm they are nice women and now i feel guilty for being so jealous of them before. and so guilty as theyre all being so kind to me now   . my cousin (who has had 2 kids with no problems at all) said how lucky i was to be having twins. and i could have slapped her!! she was only being nice but i dont class my journey as being lucky i class hers as being lucky and mine been bloody hard work!!!!!


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