# I feel like such a horrible friend!



## EmWills (May 26, 2013)

Hi all

Sorry to put such a down message but I just need to get it all out. 

My best friend who is also my sister in law has just told us she's pregnant, wel actually her hubby told my hubby over the phone. It's their 3rd, I don't think they were trying I guess they are just extremely lucky. Problem is I have cried for 2 hours since we've found out. I had an feeling as we're so close I recognised the symptoms from her last 2 pregnancies but I still feel li I've been hit by a bus. 

I'm really happy for them I love my 2 nephews but I t's made me question everything. Am I not meant to be a mother because I am such a horrible person?! Should I put us through another ivf? We've been trying almost 4 years so that's 46 months including 4 ivf's that hasn't worked maybe it's the universes way of telling me I'm not cut out to be a mother? Maybe I'm not meant to pass my genes on and I should just give up and move on to donor eggs. Maybe I'm not a real woman? Everyone else in my family has gotten pregnant so easy maybe I'm missing an essential part that it takes to be a real woman? I don't know how I'll cope, I usually distance myself from pregnant women and babies but she's my best friend and sister in law I see her 3-4 times a week, how will I cope?! Last time was hard but now it's looking more likely that I'll never have what she's got, I'll never be a mum! 

Sorry for that, I just needed to get it all out. 

Em xx


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## CrazyHorse (May 8, 2014)

Didn't want to read and run.   

I don't think the universe, God, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, what have you, are trying to tell anyone anything through the affliction of infertility, anymore than cancer is a divine message that you're a bad person who deserves to suffer. Bad things happen to good people all the time.

Don't give up hope. I can see from your signature that your AMH is low, but clearly you respond to stims, and you do not have a history of recurrent miscarriage, which is very encouraging. I know this is a very difficult time, but you are young (I know you'll be sick of hearing that, but it's true!) and I honestly don't think you have reached the end of your fertility road.

And if you do move on to donor eggs, that is NOT giving up. You still shape your baby in innumerable ways (including through epigenetics) as you nourish them in the womb, let alone through raising them with love and care. The urge to pass on your and your family's genes is powerful -- I know, I'm still dealing with it -- but a donor egg baby is just as much your baby as one that shares half your DNA.

Sending you lots of good wishes for renewed hope and courage.   Believe me, I know it can be tough to wonder, "Why me?". When I can manage it, I try to reframe the question as, "Why *not* me?" I don't know if that helps you at all, but it helps me to remind myself that lots of other people who are no less worthy than me suffer the same pain. Life is challenging, all we can do is help each other through it.


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## littleeveningstar (Jan 17, 2015)

Oh Em,  
First and foremost, you are no less of a woman for not filling the world with children, it is not the only measure of success in a woman's life. You still have so much to give, and you are not being judged or punished or any of those awful things you are dwelling on. As my best friend so elegantly put it, sometimes s#!t things happen to good people. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.
Allow yourself some slack, you deserve a bit of self love, and as tough as this is you need to recognise that dwelling on the negative is not going to help you.
it takes a village to raise a child, whether or not you have children yourself, you will have the opportunity of being an important influence is so many lives. There will be so much love for you to give and receive in your life and while things are difficult for you right now, you can get through it. If you give yourself the love and support that I have no doubt you would give someone else in your situation, you will be able to find the mental space to think more calmly. I wish I could take the pain away, I really do. So much love x x x x


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## Ames xxx (Nov 24, 2014)

Hi Em.

Sending you  .

You feel the exact way I think we all have felt at some stage.  I always feel awful for thinking "why her". My 17 year old niece has just had her baby!! When I found out she was pregnant it hit me like a sledge hammer. I never dreamt that I would have to see her start a family before me. Another very close family member is on their 2nd and that hurt as she told me she was pregnant 3 days after my ET and I got my BFN 6 days later....She doesn't know about our struggles but it still stung.

I try my best to distance myself from pregnancy and babies but in these instances I couldn't.  I have had to grin and bare it. Then come on here to vent with all these lovely ladies to listen to my whinging! 

Your not alone. That's the most important thing you need to know. We get angry think things even say things then regret it most the time. It doesn't make us bad it makes us human. We carnt be happy for everyone all the time when getting pregnancy news.

All my family have kids and had no troubles conceiving except me so your not alone there either.

Hope you don't give up and I wish you all the luck in the world hun xxx


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