# I dont know how to feel ?



## BelleBecker (Dec 28, 2010)

Hi everyone, I just joined up as i feel like I need  little support with how I feel. Id like to tell you my situation in hope that someone is kind enough to offer any advice or better still any answers.
Im 27, recently married and have been with my husband for 10 years. We decided to try for a baby roughly 18 months ago with no joy. Four weeks ago my husband took a sperm sample and they telephoned us to say the sample was too cold (due to weather) and to re do one the following week. We took one back the following week (20mins after producing).
The results came back 'No sperm at all' (the sample was tested within an hour). I asked our GP, could it be due to being too cold againCould it have been tested too late (1hr20min maybe) He said No & refused to give us a re-test. He then advised us that artificial insemination was our only option other than adoption. 
I dont want a sperm donor, I want my husbands baby, Im devastated.  
I have been reading that there maybe an obstruction and you have have a little operation to retract sperm...... is there any hope??
Im so upset I havent told any friends or family, Im a very strong girl and dont really like to talk feelings but I just feel so hollow. xx


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## butterfly.kisses (Aug 10, 2010)

I don't have any advice to offer but I just wanted to send some hugs to you. It really is such a lonely time, is there no one you can talk to? I'm sure there will be other ladies around here who are in the same situation and will be able to offer a lot more advice than me. 

xxxx


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## Nicxwl2bamum (Aug 2, 2010)

Hi Belle! My name's Nic, and Im pretty new to all this too..... Wow, that is pretty shocking news hun, and I don't know what other people think but if I were you I would definately DEMAND a second opinion!! I think in some cases, health professionals are either tightening thier purses or just simply can't be bothered getting to the bottom of things becuase, at the end of the day it's not their life is it?!  I know we have definatley had experience of that because firstly, it took over three years of me persuading various Doc's to investigate my fertility, and then just recently after my Hubby's second sperm test (two years apart), we were given TWO different diagnosis, and I had to get stroppy with the know-it-all Receptionist to determine which was correct! Infact, we still don't know what the actual count was, just that it was 'borderline' hence the two differing opinions!    Anyway, sorry for going on there a little hun! I'm just surprised that they have been so blunt in what sounds like very early days for you?  Try not to lose hope and dwell on the negative hun.... I know it's sometimes easier said than done, but for me all that's driven me on after 4 years of ttc is to just keep that picture of our end goal firmly imprinted in my mind.  And these little hiccups and 'run-ins' with the health professionals are just hurdles. Somedays I wish I didn't want 'it' (a baby) so badly, but the truth is I have never wanted anything so badly than to be a mummy    We'll get there hun    Keep me posted. Here if you need me. Nic xx


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## BelleBecker (Dec 28, 2010)

Aww it was soo lovely to log in a see these replies, Thankyou!! ButerflyKisses im too worried of my family or friends reaction to talk to them plus if we did go down the artificial insemination route (or adopt) i would want to pretend to world that it was my husbands child .........  Is that wrong?    Anyway your kind words made me smile, I have booked in with a different GP and we have been referred to a fertility clinic so im gonna to become more bossy i think haha xxxxx  

Nic, thankyou for your response too, yeah our GP told us that we couldnt have our own children in a way a restaurant would tell you that they had ran out of a certain dish!! very lethargic! ( he also had a family picture of his 4 children on his desk staring at me!! lol )  From your story and with the way the professionals are with me at this very early stage, I think we do have a battle on our hands but at the same time you've got to push your way through the hurdles like with any dream you want in life.
My friends around me all have children (babies) and when they moan to me I just want to shake them and say "OMG id give u everything to have a baby!!"    
I can relate to how you feel in the latter part of your post, i can get upset and have to walk out the room when we're watching a film about a couple having a baby - silly really, but thats just how I feel. We would be great Mums. 
Nic, you sound like a lovely girl with a lot of love to give, you WILL be a very very good mummy!! Our day will come! xxxxxxxxxxxxx  Thanks again xxx


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## pinkmiche (Nov 10, 2010)

Hiya, 
Please try to stay positive and keep pushing for what you want.
My hubby had 2 sperm samples one which gave a zero count and the other just 1 or 2 non-swimmers.
He had the surgical procedure, which we had to pay for privately, but they found some sperm eventually!
Anyway we had our first cycle of ICSI in Nov on the NHS and I'm now 8 weeks pregant! 
So it is possible, you just have to try to stay strong and positive.
Miche


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## Guest (Dec 30, 2010)

Hi 

Just to say i think your GP is a bit lacking in knowledge

My husband had a vasectomy reversal which initial worked and then didn't.  His sperm sample came back as nil.  You need a few more investigations for your hubbie to try and understand why its nil.  There may be a blockage or it may be something else.  

We had ICSI treatment with surgical sperm removal, which my hubbie said was relatively painless.  He did have some hormone blood test prior to the procedure can't remember what though.  

There are quite a few threads on here to help.

I am having my first baby soon .. so don't loose hope.  It can still happen, just a bit more complicated xxx


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## BelleBecker (Dec 28, 2010)

Oh Miche thats AMAZING! congratulations that gave me shivers   i even stopped to read it out to my hubby!!! Im soo happy for you!
Do you mind me asking you a few questions ... if you want to reply privately instead of posting I understand, but a few answers about your experience would really help me Miche.
How old are you? How long did it all take from seeing your GP to becoming pregnant and How much did it cost in total to go private?. I really hope I dont sound too nosey, your story has really inspired me and I want to try exactly what you have done and become pregnant just like you xx 

Gemmasb thankyou for that wonderful read, these stories are exactly what I joined this site for!!!! I cant thankyou enough! Im actually teary eyed but in a happy way because Ive just realised there is ways ... I feel so relived and its thanks to a little bit more understanding and support from you guys!!! Congratulations Gem xxxxx


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

to FF, Belle! You will find that this is a great website for support, information, laughter and friendship, it has kept me (relatively!) sane though all my treatment.

Perhaps you could ask on the Male factors board, I am sure the lovely people over there will know all about sperm tests and amount of time between producing the sample and it being tested, also how much the cold would be a factor and whether an operation could be done to retrieve the sperm. Here is the link - CLICK HERE

As far as donor sperm and adoption is concerned and the issue of pretending that it is your husband's child, I have very strong opinions on this - it is your husband's child, he would be the father. Maybe not biologically, but in my opinion that isn't what makes a father, he would be the one helping out with feeding, changing nappies, playing football, picking the little one up when they fall and giving them a kiss to make everything better etc, that is what makes a father. My DH has 3 adopted children with his ex-wife, and a male friend has a son who was conceived by donor sperm and both of them consider themselves to be the father of those children. Sorry if I have come across too strong, but I know how much they love those children.

I hope the 2nd GP and clinic are more understanding and helpful and give you the tests and answers you need.

Good luck, let us know how you get on.         

Sue


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## VEC (May 29, 2007)

Hi there Belle

So sorry to hear you've been given such dreadful news and in such a ridiculous manner.

I live in Italy and so my knowledge of the system in the UK is a bit shaky, but I have a few comments on your situation.

1.  British GPs are often fantastic compared to other countries' but they are also frequently pretty ignorant about fertility stuff.  I would only take advice on fertility issues from a specialist not a GP

2.  We have two hospitals near us - my DP has done sperm tests at both.  The results of one hospital say that he has pretty normal sperm in quite high numbers.  The results of the other hospital say that he has no sperm.  Ask around (including on the male factor boards) to see whether anyone can recommend a decent place for testing - or alternatively wait and see what your fertility clinic suggest.  I don't see how you can make any decisions until you have a test result that you can believe in.

3.  I have friends who have had surgical sperm removal.  Some were unsuccessful, some were successful.  I'd definitely query success rates if you end up looking at having this treatment, and ask how you can boost your chances.

4.  There are some supplements that seem to improve sperm quality, so that even if only a few are extracted, those that are extracted are more likely to be of better quality.  Your DH would have to start taking such supplements three months before you enter into any IVF cycles, but my DP managed to multiply the numbers of his sperm eight fold by taking the two sets of supplements that Zita West supplies - they are expensive, though.

5.  If you haven't already, I'd really recommend getting your hands on a decent book on fertility issues.  I am a big fan of Zita West, so I'd suggest her "Fertility and Conception" book which is generally available through libraries if you want to check it out before you spend any money.  That books explains how our bodies work, all the processes that are required (either spontaneously or through technology!) to get pregnant, and any options - including donation.  It is well worth being armed with a lot of information before seeing a fertility specialist, as otherwise you end up coming away kicking yourself for not asking further questions.  I also found that this book answered loads of worries that I had, so that I calmed down a little in the early days.  And I still read it religiously in the run up to and during our IVF cycles. 

6.  In the early years following our infertility diagnosis, my DP and I seemed to come up an endless series of doors closing in our faces, each of them closing any hope of being able to make the most of one opportunity after another. HOWEVER, as one door closed, another door inevitably opened.  Whilst it was my DP's infertility that caused us to start treatment, the final solution to our childlessness was for us to use a donated egg - something that I was fairly open to from the beginning but which DP was dead against initially.  When we look back on our initial fears, we cannot believe them - we are now the luckiest people in the world, we have a son who is officially the loveliest boy in the world (according to 10 out of 10 in my family), and he has an extended family around him who adore the very earth on which he walks.  My family has no genetic link to him, but he is without question one of ours.  He shares a lot of our characteristics.  He is genetically linked to DP's family, and yet it was DP's family that objected to our use of a donor.  But now he is here, his origins matter nothing.  He is our son, and he is loved.  You may or may not need to consider donated sperm, you may or may not come to share our view on it, but I'd just say that for now, don't hurry to make any decisions, as it is very early days for you and the early days of discovering fertility issues are, I recall, just so frantic and terrifying, and I remember that we just spent the first couple of years running hither and thither desperately trying to find a fix.

Not sure if any of that helps.  Give yourselves some time to breathe in the middle of all this, andn remember to come on here with any quesitons you may have.  And when you first go for your fertility clinic appointment, somewhere on here I believe there is a list of suggested questions for you to ask at your first appointment - definitely worth taking paper and pen for that first visit.

Big hugs, and VERY VERY GOOD LUCK

VEC X


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## claire1974 (Dec 19, 2010)

Good luck, you have received some good advice so hopefully you can get a second opinion.  we had to have 2 sperm tests before we were referred to the fertility clinic, then we had another one at the fertility clinic which investigated mobility and deformities.  Our tests have varied alot so I genuinely believe that there is hope for you.  

Keep your chin up, you will get through this together and fingers crossed it all works out for you


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## itonlytakes1 (May 11, 2010)

hi Bellebecker,
just wanted to write a quick message to say you are not alone, we had exactly the same news this time last year there is hope for us! your other half should be offered some blood tests to see if anything is going wrong hormonally etc. well to cut a long story short i have had to lose a lot of weight to qualify for treatment on the nhs but my dh has the same problem as yours. it does get easier just takes time and remember dont give up hope think this website has kept me sane recently as no one else seems to understand what you are going through no matter how sympathetic they are!!  there are some really interesting stories on tha male infertility group so i would recommend that to you, you can get a lot of info off of there. anyways just sending you a big hug and lots of positive energy     hope we get to chat maybe sometime soon, looks like youve already been given some brilliant advice  take care xxx


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## Nicxwl2bamum (Aug 2, 2010)

Belle! Thankyou so much for your kind words..... made me smile    I know 2011 has gotta be our year


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## BelleBecker (Dec 28, 2010)

Thankyou Wraakgodin, I totally agree with your point of not being the biological father has no affect on you being a dad!! and that is exactly how we would feel ..... the problem is the family. My DH and I believe it would be in all our interest to pretend that the baby was conceived via us both as my DH's parents are early 70s and are just set in their ways of their opinions and we know they'd say if you cant have children youre not meant to have children and my family are just incredibly nosey and would make sooo much fuss. 
You may not agree with this and I may not be thinking very rationally but I just dont know how to solve anything at the moment. Im thinking way, way ahead ..... maybe I should just deal with whats happening now. 
Thankyou soo much for the link i have been on it and shared a few stories which has definitely helped me, Im so lucky to have found this site. xxxx Thankyou xxxx

VEC, WOW what an overwhelming response Thankyou so much! I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to write that, it was an excellent read !!! You have by far given my the best advice so far and so much to think about and concentrate on! I am truly grateful to you!  

Claire1974 & Gemgems, Thanks girls for your kind words, its clear that im not alone, I just feel so angry at times with people who have loads of children and couldnt care less, especially when theres women like us who have to go through all this! We'll get there! I am sooo much more positive now since joining this site, ive said it before but its all thanks to people like you two so again, thankyou xxxxxxxxx Goodluck to you both, keep me posted xxxxx


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## walds23 (Dec 28, 2010)

Hello, i know exactly how you feel, my fiance had 2 sperm tests done and neither of them had any sperm, so the hospital advised him to have sergery to go into the testicle and see if there is any sperm, a blockage or none at all. And just our luck there was none so our next option is donor or adoption, we have agreed a donor. I know it's not what we aim for in life but it's what life has given us and we cant change it, i love my fiance dearly and know that he would be an outstandind dad and i am not letting nothing get in his way of that, I know its such a hard decision to make this is your life, body and relationship and nobody should tell you what to do in it, but i never have had doughts on having a donor, You need to understand its a kick in the teeth for your partner too and there is no other way for him.
This baby will b my fiances without a dought the way i look at it now is this baby has been made for him, and for us. men take on other peoples children from other relationships all the time, but this baby has been brought in this world for him too. Im sure your partner will play such an important role in the treatment, pregnancy birth and so on.
Has the dr offered you this surgery? will you do it? i cannot believe they are refusing another tests thats so unfair.
hope this has helped. x


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## BelleBecker (Dec 28, 2010)

Thanks walds, as much as I wish you werent in this situation, im glad that there are others going through the same, just so I can compare feelings and issues with. Its horrible isnt it, I make an effort to not cry or get upset about it infront of my husband but my chest feels soo heavy with hurt. Id be an amazing mum, as im sure you will be . We are only at the stage were our GP has referred us to a fertility clinic to investigate further (we are waiting to receive an appointment)  We will definitely be opting for the surgical procedure to try and retract sperm and if that is unsuccessful yes we will use a donor. I husband is all for the donor but I have to be honest (and please dont judge me) Im not feeling it, I have only ever been with my husband and the thought of someone else's sperm fertilizing me makes me slightly uncomfortable, I dont know why ..... think im just looking into it too deep. Although you have actually just made me re-think my way of thinking with what you wrote about "this baby has been made for him, and for us" what a wonderful way of thinking ..... and you know what you are so right!!! You have just helped me overcome that! Thankyou so much! 

How long is your donor process going to take / cost  do you get to chose the type of donor like hair colour or eye colour?
Again Thankyou hun xxxxxxxx


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## Wraakgodin (Jun 17, 2006)

Belle - it isn't anyones business but yours how your baby was conceived. Only tell who you are comfortable telling. We haven't told m-i-l that Isabella is an IVF baby because we know it will be all around the family in no time - that woman couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it. And I know it will be the talk of the family, they have to gossip and sh1t stir about someone!



BelleBecker said:


> but I have to be honest (and please dont judge me) Im not feeling it, I have only ever been with my husband and the thought of someone else's sperm fertilizing me makes me slightly uncomfortable, I dont know why ..... think im just looking into it too deep.


No one on this site will ever judge you (and if they ever did, send them to me and I will sort them out!  ), you can't help the way you feel. When we first realised we needed treatment we went through all the scenarios, what we could and couldn't handle. To be honest the same thought crossed my mind. But DH asked me what the difference was between that and adoption, we would be "adopting" the eggs/sperm - and somehow that made it more acceptable to me.

Sorry this is a short message, DH works nights and has to go to bed and the computer is in the same room, so I am being kicked out!

Sue


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## walds23 (Dec 28, 2010)

Hello again Belle, im glad its helped you re-think and i know how heart crunching this is. You feel nobody understands and that hurts even more. How is your husband doing in all this? Yes you can choose donor eye coulur, skin tone, hair colur, nationality and even look back at family too for example if they have a spanish dad etc etc. Check how many successful pregnancies they have had, girl/boy etc ( a uk donor can only have 10 preganancies then they get taken of the list..how unfair) You can see what i mean by going on websites where people get intouch with potential donors and see the choices you get. ( but there for private companies i think)
We have been very lucky and have a known donor, we are just in the sperm quarintine period where the sperm has to be froze for 6 months and then re-tested for diseases or anything that can harm me or the baby then it can be used if all is well.
I do know where we recieve treatment there is a huge donor shortage so depends on the list your clinic has and if the couples infront of you decline a certain donor then another couple will get the chance to use that donor...does that make sense? prices i haven't got a clue our clinic has a price list on there website so check out yours.
We are on the list for a donor just incase it's needed then when we are at top of list we can decline or accept. This is because our donor has a low sperm concentration and icsi is the only treatment where we have a chance but if we keep getting nowhere then we will go for another donor. we had our 1st councilling the other day which was interesting and you will have to go too.
But what ever people think remember it's your life your and your husbands child, I told the women who was giving us counselling that i believe it's how you bring up your child is how they will deal with it i have started a diary on whats happened up to now and will continue so when the child is older and knows he was given to us through a donor i can pass on the diary and hope it may help he/she come to terms with whats happened. They can see what we went through and follow journey.
Have you looked at the legal side?
walds xx


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