# Avoiding social events with children



## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Wondered if anyone else does this.  For the first couple of years of TTC I went along to everything, even though it was hard and just 'fronted it up'.  I would often end up crying on the way home though!  I'm getting to a point though where it is just too painful to be around babies and young children.  My partner will shortly be going for surgical sperm retrieval / TESE and I'm so scared that no sperm will be found as that will be the end of the road for us (he won't consider donor).  The feelings of grief at the prospect of not having a child are very raw and difficult to cope with at the moment. 
Last month I avoided going to a bbq as we would have been the only couple there without children and there would have been babies and toddlers galore.  Part of me couldn't face seeing the babies and the other part didn't want to have to sit through constant child talk with nothing to contribute to the conversation.  When I went to the same bbq the year before, I felt like a right lemon just standing there whilst they were all playing with their children and discussing car seats, sleep routines etc.  Felt like I stood out a mile.  Most of this group don't know our situation so there would potentially have been questions about when we are having children etc and asking if I wanted to hold the babies.  
I also avoided meeting up uni friends recently.  One of my friends had a baby in June and wanted us all to meet him but seeing her baby was just too painful.  I would again have been the only 'non-mum' and couldn't face the prospect of having to look at the baby and then have them all compare experiences etc (as another one is due this month!).  
Do any of you lovely ladies find yourselves avoiding things?  I never used to but I'm really struggling at the moment and it's too painful to go to things.  Someone pointed out a while back that I can't avoid people's pregnancies and babies forever (she never went through infertility!) and whilst that's true, it's too much right now.  I just hope that if we really can't have children, I can find a way to cope with it in time.  I feel completely left out of many social groups now as I'm the only one who doesn't have children and the entire conversation revolves around them.


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## stelmat (Feb 1, 2014)

Yes, totally normal.  I go in phases, sometimes it is ok and others I can't face it at all.  I find the worst ones are when I'm unprepared, invited somewhere in an evening and not realising there are going to be hundreds of screaming children there for example.  Or having a baby thrust on you, I try to avoid holding them and must come across a bit strange when everyone else is cooing.  I made myself man up a bit this summer and invited my husbands friends for a bbq.  They have all reproduced within the last year and I went wild and invited them all.  I felt a bit of a lemon being the only one with out a child but as I was hosting it did distract me sufficiently to get through the day.  I don't have any pearls of wisdom for dealing with it as I haven't yet figured out why sometimes I find it much harder than others.  I do say to myself, just carry on, deal with it and carry on.  My husband is worse than I am most of the time and I think that holding myself together for him can help.  

Best of luck with the sperm retrieval, I hope it is a success.


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## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

Hi magicpillow
Another NOA lady here
I'm lucky in that I don't have many friends with children and the ones that do would find talk of car seats very dull indeed  .I  also seem to be surrounded with infertile colleagues at work too! Maybe we're like magnets 
If I did have lots of friends with young kids / babies would I avoid events where everyone brought them? . Absolutely!
In this situation you absolutely need to prioritise Your needs and Your feelings
Don't show up to things if they are going to cause you un necessary pain, and absolutely don't feel bad about it either
The way I see it is a person who can 'leg-over - conceive" doesn't feel bad when they are chatting away about all things baby in front of me, so why should I feel bad when I decline an invitation to their baby shower?

Of course u cant avoid babies and pregnant women forever , but ultimately u wont have to as your friends kids will grow up
Some many disagree with this stance, but u have to look out for number 1
K xx


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## Banjo55 (Nov 9, 2014)

Oh irony of ironies. I'm sitting in a quiet pub right now having a glass of wine reflecting on the counselling session I've just had and somebody has come in with a baby!

If it was in the day I would kind of expect it but at this time of night? Talk about no escape.

On the point about avoiding social events with kids, I've done that a few times. I stopped going to church because there are loads of toddlers and pregnant women. Most of the women are mothers and it can be unbearable when the pastor goes on about children being a blessing.

(Oh God the baby in the pub is crying now.)


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## Annie37 (May 3, 2015)

Hi magicpillow just to say I get how you feel. I've avoided going to see the 3 most recent babies to my close friend/family group. There have been 6 close ones and a couple of work colleagues since just before the start of summer. I've spent a fortune on bloomin presents!!! 

Sometimes it's just easier to avoid. We are going through a difficult journey and you handle it how you can. Do what's best for you. My husband is actually finding facing friends and family's babies extremely hard and he has only just admitted this to me. We were having dinner in our favourite pub one Thursday night to talk about it all and (yes banjo!!) by the time our starter arrived there were 7 babies /toddlers/ kids on the 3 tables alone next to us. At 8pm at night!! We were so ****** off we pretended the starter made me ill and left. It should be for adults and suddenly they allow children in! I felt invaded like no where but home without the TV or ******** on is the only time we aren't reminded of what we are trying to create. 

You aren't alone in your feelings, don't feel guilty. I tried in past to go along with the baby conversations but it's a bit pointless and you have to fake your status! I've finally now told all my friends I'm having IVF (one friend had sort of told the rest anyway) and it's become a little easier as they are a bit more sensitive ie one of them has booked a visit to see me without her son as she said she wanted to remind me even though we are miles apart she is here for me. Sometimes people surprise us with how they help us to cope. 

Anyway not sure how much advice is useful just giving you some feedback!! I hope all goes well with your husband. Stay strong x


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## mattysmrs (Jul 7, 2013)

Self preservation. I do it all the time. Even to family members. Why should I put myself through more stress. This journey is hard enough as it is. Xx


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## Haydan (Oct 12, 2013)

i agree - it's all about self preservation - and healthy wellbeing. sometimes i do go and sometimes i don't. if i don't they just have to deal with it. ive got past the whole 'i need to be polite for their sake' i've been going through this too long now to constantly keep up appearances - it's exhausting if nothing else.
most of my close friends know about our struggles and so they are fine and just let me do what i need to do. i figure if anyone takes offence they need to get over themselves.


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Thank you for all the wonderfully supportive comments.  It's so reassuring to know it's not just me!  For the first couple of years I went to everything, including baby showers but as the reality kicks in that we might not end up with a baby, it's much harder.  I also find it hard that those 'in the know' like to say things like 'well at least you can have lay ins and holidays' and all the bad things about  having children.  Easy to say when you've conceived in the first month of trying!
When I think about it, there are friends I can see who don't have children and all my colleagues are much younger so nobody has children which is great.  I go on nights out with them sometimes (they are all mid 20s!) and it's great to have a proper good laugh without any kid talk and away from the trials of infertility.  Hopefully in time I'll be able to go to some and not to others as many of you have said you do.  At the moment I'm avoiding it all!  My partner's best friend and his wife have announced they are expecting number 2 (no probs conceiving either) and I spent the whole evening in tears.  I will congratulate them in time but I can't face it at the moment.  I get tired of putting on a front all the time!
I went out for lunch with my parents the other week and about 10 minutes in, two ladies sat on the table next to us with newborn babies.  It was so hard and I felt like my heart was being ripped out!  Luckily they didn't stay too long as the babies were unsettled but that was a tough one. 
Thank you for the support! xx


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

...and yes, it's definitely self preservation!


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## Hoping 2014 (Jul 11, 2014)

Totally relate to this. Went to a friends toddlers birthday some time back. Never again and I'm making no apologies for it either. We were the only couple without kids and it was soooo obvious. I hated the small talk and had to smile magnanimously while little Johnny ran over my foot with a truck. Never again. 

Had two weddings recently, a family one & a friends (no kids yet) one. The family one I dreaded and it was actually grand - no ignorant questions at all. However the friends one (where we though we were safe sat at a table with younger couples) was a complete nightmare. We were literally the 1/6 infertile couple at the table. I naively though we were safe as there was only one other married couple at the table. But sure you don't need to be married to have sprogs. The weird thing was that none of them had their kids at the wedding and yet thetalk was of babies ALL THE TIME.  Right down to editions of buggies (there are yearly editions??!!). If it hadn't been so tragic for us it would have been down right boring. I hope if we ever have kids I can talk about other stuff. Me & oh ended up getting hammered and went to bed early. Never again. We did not enjoy ourselves and cost us a fortune. We are now only going to go to events that make us happy - no bones about it and our families know this. The true friends will understand and the rest don't matter.


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Hoping 2014, I am so with you on that!  When I went to the bbq last summer (didn't go this year!) I felt like I stood out a mile whilst they were all tending to their children and talking about them.  It was 100% baby and kid talk and as well as feeling the pain of my infertility, it was so god damn boring.  Feel better when I read you saying you are only going to events that will make you happy as so you should.  I am going to adopt that attitude too now!  I'm so tired of putting a happy face on it all and pretending that I'm interested in all the talk about car seats, sleep routines, feeding, buggies etc.  Really don't give a sh*t!  Even with some of my friends with older primary age children, all the talk about is school stuff and what they are doing in their clubs etc.  The worst thing is when those in the know tell me all the crap stuff about having kids to try and make me feel better.  I feel like pointing out that they must have made a decision to start a family and luckily it came easily to them.  If they hadn't been able to conceive, they would not be feeling thankful that at least they can have lay ins!
Rant over!


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

We recently got engaged (had been hoping to have a baby first but never happened!) and have already decided it will be a no kids wedding.  Partly because I'll find it too painful but also because we can't afford that many kids.  All my friends have at least two!


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## staceysm (Nov 18, 2010)

Hi,

Fortunately, me and my hubby never had a huge amount of friends, so although we got our much wanted family, I honestly don't know how I would have coped being the only ones without children in a circle of friends.

My best friend has 3 children and she was always so supportive, that I really had no problems with attending any events for her little ones.  We would just have a good drink together afterwards.  She also said it was a relief to not have the constant chat about kids and competition of whose child could do this and that.  She would ask about me and what I had been doing.

Big hugs to you all.
X


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## magicpillow (Feb 8, 2015)

Just revisiting this one....Since I started the thread my partner had a successful TESE and although there is a good chance the swimmers won't survive the thaw, at least we can try IVF.

Anyway, everything I said before about social events still stands and I'm really finding now that only really want to spend time with people who either don't have kids or have had ferility problems!  On Saturday I went round to a friend's house for a girls night in with 4 of us.  Two have twins and had no problems conceiving and the other is my age and recently got engaged.  Anyway, she turned up and announced she is 15 weeks pregnant and it happened in the first month of trying (she's 39).  It was so hard not to cry, even though she was very nice to me and said she had been concerned about saying.  The rest of the evening was quite tough as although it was ok when they were talking about work, husbands etc, the topic invariably got round to pregnancy and maternity leaves.  Listening to all of them comparing pregnancies was too much.  They know I've been trying 3 years and we are having IVF right now!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I could almost see myself coming to terms with not having children if that's what happened but it's managing friendships and social things that I can't see if I'll ever be able to cope with anymore!  I feel like all my friendships have changed and I'm the odd one out in every group.  I can do 1:1 meet ups and groups are too much.  It didn't help that they were all telling me that at least I had options if it didn't work out and I could do donor or adopt.  So easy for them to say when they all conceived in an instant!  Rant over!


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## zossie (Jan 23, 2011)

I've read this post with interest and totally agree. Very few of our friends and family know about our trying and failed treatments.
Always felt awkward going to family events and waiting for the - when are you guys gonna have some? 
My fav was 2 yrs ago when our nephew became a dad at 19, completely unplanned and we had to go and meet baby, having to have a cuddle because it's expected and the 'oh she a natural' coming from the mother in law. All this at the same time as finding out we didn't qualify for nhs funding! Now the mother thinks I don't like her because I don't socialise with them.
For my sins I'm a nursery nurse and look after babies everyday so avoiding isn't possible but most people at work think I'm to tough because I don't cuddle and coo over them like they do. I can't I don't think of them as babies, more as small people I have to take care of. I hate the comments from people with children- you don't understand as you don't have children! 
Going back to work after a failed treatment is awful and I'm just waiting for the next person to announce their pregnancy.
It's all about self preservation!


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