# Any words of support needed



## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

This isn't really anything useful just having a really terrible week and need to try and cheer myself up. 

My second lot of ICSI failed last month. 
In the last week my friend told me she was 17 weeks pregnant by coming over and telling me face to face which I found really traumatic. I don't know if I'm just being horrible but it is really easy to google how to tell an infertile couple about a pregnancy - face to face when you are starting to show is not it. An email is far better. 

Then I got home to an email off my sister saying she is pregnant with her second- bless her she is the closest person in the world to me and warned me via email when she started trying and then also has given me a few weeks of knowing before she tells the others. 

My sister moved to Australia because her husband is Australian just as I found out my husband and I couldn't have children. She is coming back for Xmas and I am meant to be hosting everyone. I've just canceled that because Xmas is an awful time of year for me and I can't face hosting a million conversations about my sisters pregnancy (I'm one of six so it will be millions.) Also I don't what would be worse the conversations or the awkwardness if people try to be considerate and not have them. It's not fair to expect that so I figure best to stay away. Also I found out my husband did something i find really hurtful as well. He just says that he feels so useless and hates seeing me miserable all the time and needed to escape (he is the partner with the infertility issue not me.) 

At the moment pretty much struggling to find anything to feel positive about and I just feel so angry for all I've lost. I was meant to have the first child from my friends and siblings and that meant a lot to me. Also me and my husband have put so much into our marriage and have always valued each other so much but the stress of this is tearing us apart. I'm so bitter for the version of us in my head who have 3 children now and no problems. That might sound stupid but we really did have a problem free relationship before this because we treated each other so well. We had money problems and thought we might loose our house when the credit crunch first hit but normal problems like that never rocked us like they did others. 

Just guess I feel like there is no end to the upsetting things that are happening to me at the moment and I also hate myself for the fact others happiness to me is bad news. 

I also hate feeling like I'm full of self pity because I'm not someone who lets life get them down I am just out of fight right now.


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

You are not alone hunny 

Pg annoucements are just awful (no matter how much u like the person)  maybe your friend thought it would be better to tell you face to face, unless they have been thru it or have seen someone suffer they just don't get it. I don't know about u but I've had the "relax it will happen" and "its just not ur time" and other unhelpful quotes shoved down my throat enough times I could scream!

I agree with ur comment that you n dh wouldn't have problems if it wasn't for infertility, and it is such a shame. Like u I always imagined us with more than one child.

In my mind I have donor sperm thoughts, I don't want to upset my DB but we don't have great fertilisation rates, so after one more tx (our 3rd) when we have some money I am going to suggest it- I am scared as the last thing I want to do is upset him, but I have this need to be a mum.

I think you have done the right thing for xmas, it would be too painful to be around all that and be plastering a smile on your face trying to be a hostess.


I don't have any words of wisdom, but I'm more than happy to chat if you need to get things off your chest. Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you. 
My partner has suggested Donor with IUI to me however I've looked into it and its success rate is only 15% and I'm 27 so in the best bracket. I think he thought it would be a month 1 success thing. This came up because I was very honest and told him I loved him as much as he loved me but I needed a child more than I needed him. I didn't say this to make him suggest donor more to make him take adoption more seriously however it made him come back to me with donor - which to be honest to me was a total shock at first. we are going to ask about it at our review of this cycle (which is next month when I might be able to face it.) However I am not convinced that he is fully behind it and not just saying yes because he's scared I'll leave him. Perhaps try ways to make him think about it so you don't have to be the one to say it. Just looking at a leaflet or asking at a review meeting are there any other options they may suggest it? 

I don't know what your male issue is ours is morphology - my husband has less than 1% of his sperm that are the correct shape and able to fertilise also he has low number in a lot of samples. How serious your issue is will probably affect how willing your partner is to consider it. x x


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

We have low morph, low motilty and low count, possible dna frag problems.

Can I ask, what are your fertilisation rates like?

Ours fertilise abnormally or stop developing or really slow developing.

Yes donor IUI may need a few tries, but the cost compaired to a full cycle, here it is around £1,500 or £5-6,000 for icsi with db's sperm.

I am not too sure he would come up with it off his own back, he has offered to leave to "let me find someone who can give u a baby"  but he has also said no to adoption, so we are nearing a similar conversation to what u had.


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Pressed send too soon, Thank u for ur advice  xx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

I am so sorry about your BFN.  I think what you are feeling is normal.     You must still be very raw from your BFN last month, and your hormones are probably still all over the place as well.  (I remember both of my BFNs and they were devastating in ways that people who haven't experienced them could never understand.)  You WILL start feeling better and your fight WILL come back but you need to give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Please don't beat yourself up for the way you are feeling just now; you need time to grieve and recover.  After my BFNs, I personally found that it helped alot after a while to start planning the next stage but I think it is important to give yourself time to recover physically and emotionally before climbing on the rollercoaster again.  

I am so sorry as well that your husband has hurt you.  IF and IVF puts such a terrible strain on relationships.  Can you think back to what brought you together in the first place, and why you always valued each other so much?  Hopefully all of that is still there somewhere, and you can work to bring it back again. 

I know you feel that you have lost everything (I truly remember being in that place) but you never know what is round the next corner.  (See my profile.)  You still have possibilities and options, so please take care of yourself, and I hope that things will start feeling better soon.     


Ellie


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Our first round was on the NHS and we did a long cycle and got 18 eggs 11 were mature 4 fertilised and 2 survived to day 3 and were put back. My husbands sample was 5 million on that day (the worst its been in terms of number) and when we got our notes it said she struggled to find sperm to use and had to use some abnormal ones. It also said my eggs were all poor quality. I was really ill with OHSS don't know if this is why with my eggs. 

The second round we went private - we went for a consultation to ask all the questions we had been too shocked and traumatised to ask last time. We didn't totally intend to go private but I am a teacher and our NHS hospital shuts for 2 weeks in holiday periods when I can have treatment. 

One of the main reasons we went private is because he said my husbands poor even by his poor standards sample on the day will have really reduced our chances. The private clinic will freeze samples and use the OK sperm from multiple frozen samples as well as the one on the day to give us the best chance. Which they did. 

Second time we did a short cycle which didn't make me really ill (NHS also said I would have to do long again which I really didn't fancy.) 
This time 24 eggs 14 mature and 7 fertilised. They all survived to day 5 so they would only put back 1 and they froze 1 the others weren't good enough to freeze so got discarded which I hate thinking about as it breaks my heart. Hope the detail helps. It is such a difficult thing and I love my husband more than anyone I know cares for their partner but ultimately if he won't adopt and nothing else works I don't know if I can stay with him. Everyone avoids talking about this with you but a friend of mine said to me (she is nearly 50 and happily married with 4 grown up children) she would have left if she was me because she wanted a baby more than her husband and she didn't want me to think I was a bad person if I was considering it.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you Ellie.x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Sorry hoping also meant to say I presume egg quality was better with the private clinic due to the better embryos but haven't asked yet x


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Yes I too am looking at short p/c next time, that was good news you got to day 5. So u still have a frostie waiting for u? Must be good quality to freeze  

No, I completely understand the same thoughts have crossed my mind along with donor sperm and the fact I am not sure if he will be up for the donor route, as he isn't up for adoption I just don't know. This then leads me to think if he denies donor and adoption I may have no choice but to move on- it would break my heart  it really would but unfortunatly we just don't get a second chamce at being in our 20's again fertility wise. And I am nearer to 30 than 20 now, like when we started ttc.

I always start planning what I'll do next, what clinic, cost and what we could do differently just so I feel like I have something to look forward to, are u going to have an et with ur frostie? 

I don't like the sound of them getting rid of any embies that can't be used  either, that's why I always say no to using them from research etc I think it is bad enough to let them go anyway   xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Got a meeting about what to do next on 2nd October. Going to ask about success rate with FET if we had 2 I would definitely go for it right away but one I don't think gives us much chance of success given that the fresh cycle was a failure. 

If it seems worth doing from a Statistics point of view then I will but for me the worst bit is the two week wait and failure it kills me so going through that for lesser chances seems a bit daft - don't know. We are currently selling a load of stuff to get money to pay for whatever comes next - Will let you know when I do. 

It would be nice to dream that I could have FET in the next few weeks and be pregnant by Xmas but unfortunately I'm a realist. I'm also really scared for round 3 because someone told me if it doesn't work in 3 fresh transfers it is unlikely to ever work. So next time feels a bit like d-day  The other hard thing is my husband has said it's not that he won't adopt he just believes 100% that ICSI will work at some point and will be quicker and less stress so its hard because I don't know when he will feel able to walk away. 

The other thing my friend said to me is that I need to be so sure of my marriage and I have discussed with my husband. We have been trying for a baby since I was 24 and next month I will be 28. I can only do this now he can walk away from me and find a younger model in 10 or 15 years and potentially have success with ICSI. That is the cruel irony we can't have a baby because he is infertile but he could still have one in the future and I can't


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

I have read on here of lots of sucess with FET so it can happen, but like u say u need to be able to handle it if it doesn't work. The great news about having a frostie is that it must have been one heck of a stong embie to be deemed suitable to freeze 

I also know a lady who it took 11 cycles to get her son, but she got there in the end. It is a numbers game to an extent. We didn't get to ET on my egg share so I can't really class that as a "chance" the tx and build up was the same, but no 2ww or testing. 

If I was you, I'd have the FET then if you need to, look at another cycle. Although it took me a year to get started again, I just planned it over in my mind.

Now I'd go again in a heartbeat if I had the money.

I see adoption as at least we would have a child at the end of it, but it is a long process and you have to not have fertility treatment for a year, but like everyone ideally I would like a baby, which is just so rare here in the uk.

Yes that would be too cruel if that was to happen in the future, but hopefully it won't.  

I think you had fab results on your last cycle with embie quality getting to Day 5 blasts and having some to freeze,  realistically if you could do that again, it should just be a matter of time till you get a BFP.  xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Good advice. Is there no NHS treatment by you? Or do you have to go private? Is that why you egg shared to cut costs? I can cope with the do nothing for 12months either it's just so long. My husband says he can't accept that it won't work because when we sit in the waiting room every other woman is 10 years older than me and 2 stone heavier so if it works for them then it surely has to work for us because medically we are a far better bet. 

Is there anyone who could help you to save etc to afford another go. One thing me and my husband are really good at is saving which makes getting funds together easier. When I was a kid I was one of 6 and there was very little money about so I learnt to live off nothing. I'm good at saving everything I earn other than the bills. However it sends you a little depressed so you do have to watch it. 

I really hope that you manage to talk to your partner. This is such a stress that your relationship can get totally lost in the fight for a child. I am trying to re-find our relationship because I know that is why my husband hurt me he didn't feel wanted and needed like he used to. He feels he can't make me smile any more and we'll only move forwards if I make a massive effort to show him he can and I still love him x x


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## hoping :) (Feb 3, 2010)

Yes you are, and keep that in mind. I get told "you are young" at clinics which in one respect is good, on the other hand we have MF and not great fertilisation and they do nothing except inject the sperm with regards to men! 

I'd be over the moon if we made it to blasts, we had 1 day 3 transfer and our embies were only 4/5 cell so could have stopped developing already before transfer.

We had 1 funded cycle nhs, then they stopped funding 2 cycles, so that is why we egg shared (and I'd hoped Karma may have helped  lol) 

DB is self employed and working long hours for little money at the moment, waiting for it to ease alittle before we talk (apparently his head felt like it would explode as we don't have money for tx yet and pressure of that and work was getting to much) so I agreed to wait a while to talk about our next stage. Looking at abroad to save money.

Yes our r/ship has suffered a great deal but only thru infertility other than that everything else we can cope with.

Hope your ok, how did ur H hurt u?  yes u both need to work at the relastionship during these tough times. I feel like I am in a tunnel and I can't get out, it does effect me and my thoughts more than db's. 

Yes my boyfriend feels "helpless" through out treatment too. But he bottles it up where I'd rather talk.
Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

That is the problem with men they would rather just pretend everything is OK and carry on. I am waiting for my husband to crack one day to be honest. He just tells himself next time will work (he is a bury your head in the sand kind of person.) We also lost his Dad very suddenly to cancer during our first round - he went in on Xmas eve last year as an emergency and died at the start of Feb so my husband found out he can't be a Dad and lost his Dad within a dew months. Also we weren't there when his Dad actually died because I had a hospital appointment - I told him not to come with me but he insisted and I think he carries a lot of guilt about this. We hadn't told his parents then because of his Dads health so his Dad thought we were at work. Then we had to change the day of his Dad's funeral because I was in hospital again - we had to tell his Mum at this point. He's said to me he wanted to be able to go to his Dad's grave and tell him it had worked and it was worth not being with him for but he's never had that chance yet. So it's been a pretty awful year because my Grandad died from cancer 2 weeks later and my sister emigrated a month after we were diagnosed. I know how you feel on the work front my husband is self employed and we had a really rough couple of years financially in 2008, 2009 and 2010. Missed the mortgage a couple of months and very stressful but stuff seems to have evened out now so I really hope it will for you too. Me and my husband have the best luck lol x x


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