# Single Women TTC - Friends say i'm selfish going it alone



## bubble love (Apr 29, 2010)

Hi Everyone just thought I'd share my terrible day with everyone.

I have told two of what I thought were good friends of mine today about going it alone with IVF and their reaction has left me questioning and devestated. 

After explaining how I've been feeling for over 2 years and that i am godmother to two of the 5 children I have been told that my wish in going it alone is totally selfish and wrong. 

Can someone please tell me why i am being selfish because i'm lost for words....     

xx


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## upsydaisy (May 9, 2009)

Hi bubblelove, 


I'm not great with words of wisdom but just wanted to send you some      
Until anyone has walked in our shoes they can have no idea of the sort of emotional sole searching that goes into the decision to become a single mother by choice.  
The agonising many of us go through is often the complete opposite of selfish.  Having children under any circumstances could be considered selfish, no child asks to be here!
As a teacher I have witnessed many children of married 2 parent families who are suffering neglect and abuse and many children of lone parents who are cherished and flourish.  It is quality not quantity of parents that matters.  In an ideal world every child would have two loving parents that were married and stayed married happily ever after.  We don't live in that world.  In my experience children suffer more from divorce than from never knowing a parent in the first place.
I have been really lucky that my friends have supported me in my decision.  It was by no means an easy one to make.
The only person your really answerable to is the child you create.  
     So sorry you've had such a horrible day.  


take care
Upsy
xxx


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## indekiwi (Dec 23, 2008)

BL, sorry you've had such a dreadful experience.      


I don't have anything to add to what Upsy has posted as she has summarised the situation perfectly, but I would reiterate one of her points.  No child asks to be born - they are born due to the will of the parents.  In my eyes, that makes every parent in the world a selfish individual.  So that makes your friends about as selfish as they say you are.


There is, however, in my opinion, something particularly selfish about friends who, having climbed the ladder of family creation, with no one perhaps questioning them because they are in a traditional relationship structure, then pulling the ladder up behind them and making judgement calls on who is an acceptable candidate for parenthood and who not on the basis of their relationship status.  That really is quite appalling behaviour, particularly from friends who believe you are a strong enough candidate to be a godparent to their own children.     


Ignore them.


A-Mx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

bubblelove - it's always so hard when our friends don't support us 

When I get negative responses like this (fortunately rare), I refuse to let them affect me. I see it as their problem not mine. I have given a huge amount of thought to my decision and I know it's the right one - both for me and for any child/ren I am lucky enough to have. You only get one life, you can't spend it worrying about what other people think of your actions and decisions
I know it's easier said than done, but please try to put these negative thoughts and comments behind you. I'm sure for every negative one, there will be many more positive ones and lots of support coming your way - not least from all of us here

And I agree with upsy - surely any decision to have a child is selfish - whether made by a couple or not? Who can say whether two parents are better than one? Sometimes yes, sometimes no - depends on the parents. And who can say if there will always be two parents? My own father died when I was young - that's just the way things are - but should people not have children just in case they get cancer and die young? I guess what I'm saying is that all any of us can do is our best, and I'm sure that you will do your very best for your child/ren in the future, having given so much thought to creating them in the first place

Hope this has helped somewhat,    
Suitcase
x

PS just read Inde's post and agree entirely - friends like that you can do without. It's easy for those with husbands and children to make moral judgements but until they've walked in our shoes, they have no right. I'm not suggesting you ditch your friends - but if they continue to offer no support to something which is clearly hugely important to you, then I would seriously re-consider whether you want them in your life or not...


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## Damelottie (Jul 26, 2005)

Hello there

I agree wholeheartedly with all the others have said.

What a horrible thing to happen. Such an important piece of news for you to share and such an upsetting reaction.


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## Fraggles (Jul 3, 2009)

Bubblelove do you post on the singles boards if not come and join us.


Bah humbug to your friends. 


Apologies for being judgmental but I would say that selfish and wrong is what your friends are. It sounds like they are in a very different situation to you and I think a more accurate description is courageous and full of love that you are going it alone. It would be lovely if they could be real friends and whilst they might do things differently they instead supported you and your choices.


You are doing the right thing and don't let them affect your choice and giving up on your dream because they are so narrow minded and out of date. Sounds like they think Sandra Bullock, Meg Ryan, Angelina Jolie are selfish too or do they not count.


I think we can truly add their comment to the stupid things people say.


Hugs


F x


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## some1 (May 13, 2006)

Bubblelove -    what a horrible experience you have had today.  I think the others have made some good points, but I just wanted to play devil's advocate (a little bit) and say maybe your friends found what you told them a bit of a shock and gave an instant reaction (perhaps egging each other on a little bit) that they they may reflect on and then come to a different view.  I remember around 12 years ago a broody single friend of mine saying that if she was still single at 30 she was going to 'order some American sperm over the internet and use a turkey baster', I remember being really shocked and thinking 'how unpleasant!" - obviously a viewpoint I no longer hold!!!!!!

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that next time you see/speak to these friends they have a change of attitude.

Some1

xx


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## bubble love (Apr 29, 2010)

Firstly may I THANK YOU all for your support.

Reading all you posts makes me re-gain my strength inside. 

I'm still totally shocked as I feel that something so important to me has been joked off if not disgusted by my so call friends. Your right if they don't wish to support me then I truly don't want them in my life for the support of my other 3 close friends including my mother and father is the only support I require for the roller coaster ride ahead.

May I also add that ALL of YOUR support is truly golden and to is a wonderful gift.

May the years get stonger

Kind Regards
BLx


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## lulumead (May 29, 2008)

hi Bubblelove...can't really add anything to what the others have articulated brilliantly. But just wanted to say stay strong and remember its your decision...we all have our wobbles during this process which might make us question our decisions but I believe it makes us stronger for it and will make us better parents in terms of having to really have thought it all through. Sometimes I feel like we are made to think too much, when in a couple you can just get on with it!!
Anyway, rambling...    hope you have a better day.
xx


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## Grace10704 (Aug 7, 2008)

Hi Bubblelove
What a horrid day!  When I told my mum what I was thinking of doing she called me selfish, immoral and irresponsible which I did think was a bit strong!  I tried to rationalise it in the way that Some1 has pointed out - I had spent years thinking myself to the point of deciding I wanted to go it alone whereas for her it came a bit out of the blue.  I did start to wonder how well she really knew me cos anyone else in my life knew how much I wanted children & were just waiting for me to get to this point myself!
It is a horrible position to be in but as so many ladies have pointed out here any decision to have a child is selfish in the first instance - we don't have children for the good of everyone else do we!  If you have got to that point of knowing this is the route for you then gather all your strength in both hands, be the best godparent you can to those children if you continue to be allowed and focus on what you need to do to get there.  
This board is fab at all stages along the way & the ladies here will help you through every hurdle as will a whole bunch of the rest of your friends and family.
And when you are lucky enough to have that beautiful baby in your arms you won't even recall what was said by a few thoughtless individuals right now.
All best wishes
Jx


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## caramac (Mar 21, 2010)

hi bubblelove. Sorry to hear about your friends reactions - that must have been really tough for you. The lovely ladies on this thread have offered some great words of wisdom and so I didn't want to add too much other than to say I had a similar reaction from my oldest/closest friend when I told her of my decision to go it alone. It was really disheartening as she was the most negative reaction of all of my friends that I'd told and it hurt. She was also quite rude/detrimental about the process too.


After a while I realised her reaction was partly from shock of hearing my news, partly from ignorance of the process/options and partly a result of her own feelings towards having children (i.e. she doesn't really want any) and going it alone (she is married and has never been single all her adult life so is not used to doing anything by herself!). After a few days of getting over the shock of my news she is now very supportive, even if she doesn't agree with or understand my choice, because as she said to me I'm her best friend and she'll always be there for me.


So it is possible that your friends may come round to being supportive in the end. However, you'll never forget their initial reaction (as I will never forget my best friend's).


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## sweet1 (Oct 5, 2008)

Sorry to hear about your horrible day Bubble love. I would however echo the point that Grace and Some1 have said that it might just be a shock reaction on their part, and that when they see how serious you are they may come around to the idea. perhaps they are still thinking that you haven't yet decided on this course of action. I don't want to play devil's advocate at all but just trying to explain what *might* be the case. However, they could have been more sensitive about it. Hopefully they will realise this, in time.

As an aside to this, I have been very worried about telling my nearest and dearest. My mum recently went on holiday with my 81-year old aunt (!) who I was convinced would be up in arms about the idea, but apparently it came up in conversation (I didn't mind at all that my mum had told her, saves me doing it!) and she just shrugged and said 'that's the way of the world these days'!!! (Luckily she'd been listening to the Archers where this storyline was featured so may have made her think everyone is doing it!)

Anyway my point is, you just never know how ANYONE is going to react, good or bad, even those you know well.  At the moment, I personally tell as few people as possible - easier that way, till it becomes a reality.


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

I think that you will get this from people from time to  time, so you need to be prepared but as long in your mind you know what you are doing is right for you and why- you don't need to answer to anyone else or need their approval you are doing what is right for you and your LO.

Good Luck
L x


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## Maya7 (Sep 9, 2008)

Hi Bubblelove

I'm of the strong belief that there is potential for you to prove these honest but not too sensitive people wrong!! (We may not agree with them but that is what they think - at the moment - but you _can_ prove them wrong!! ) I didnt have anyone accuse me of being selfish but I did seriously question _myself_ in terms of being selfish ... and I came firmly to the conclusion that I was going to do whatever it took to provide the best life for my child ... selfish? No I dont believe so ... and ultimately I would have been the one to have had the regrets had I not gone down this route ...

Stay strong and focus on what you believe to be the right thing for you to do.

 
Maya


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## morrigan (Dec 8, 2009)

I don't think it is you being selfish its your freinds. Noone else really gets asked why they want to have children or gives it as much thought as those of us that have chosen this route.

They are lucky to have relationships and children without having to go through any of this. My GP when I told her my plans asked me if I would prefer to to it the traditional way if i met and fell in love with someone- When  I replied of course but Ive not been that lucky- she said well if thats the case I support you 100% as its based purely on your situation.

I find those people that have never been on there own properly for a significant period of time have absulutely no concept what it is like to be on there own for any aspect of life let alone a biological urge which is built in to our species. I could rant on this subject as discrimination against single people is rife in many aspects of life - makes me mad. I would say that it would be a shame to fall out with your freinds over there ignorance. My Dad disagrees with this process but has told me that it is my descion and he will support me in what ever I do on that basis. I did find out on discussion that some of his reservations were due to misconceptions but I think I would prefer honesty than people pretending they agree when they don't. We can agree to differ on opinons.

I hope when you get over how theyve made you feel you can chat and understand each others point of view. I wander if they relise how much it upset you- they probably should know.

 - Hope this doesn't damage your confidence- Be proud


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## Minnie35 (Oct 28, 2009)

Hi Bubble Love,   


What an upsetting experience, I just wanted to add a few words of support.  My sister, who's the person who matters most to me in the world, reacted in a similar way when I told her.  I remember how hurtful it was (and still is!).  I think it's really difficult for people to empathise when they've not experienced the yearning for a child that you have, and I really think that's what makes the difference in some people's reactions. It's not an excuse for them, they still should have been more sensitive and considered the effect their words would have on you. One of my close friends, who is a mum and has a partner, also reacted like that but again she never felt broody ever, in fact she got pregnant by accident! I'm wondering whether perhaps that could have contributed to your friends' reactions... that and a lack of appreciation of all the agonising and soul searching you went through to reach this decision, and that you are still going through! I have also noticed that the people who have reacted more supportively are the people who themselves always wanted children.


Nobody takes the decision to go it alone lightly.  You have done so much soul searching to get to this stage, and because of this, you'll be a wonderful mum and you'll have such happy children.  And your friends and everybody will see your happy, well-adjusted child and their judgements will have become completely irrelevant.


Please don't let this horrible, hurtful experience set you back.  As so many of the others have said, you're being precisely as selfish as any couple who decide to try for a baby.  And just think of how much thought you're really going to be giving to those comments when your beautiful child is there in your arms!


Minnie x


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## bubble love (Apr 29, 2010)

Your words are more than kind there magical... thank you. 

All I can say is that they have shown their true colours with a cold cutting text today... I'm lost for words by their reactions still today and how they have blown it all up out of proportin only this time I'm truly not sure it can be forgiven as I am disgraced by the way in which I was spoken to and with such hatrid in their tone of voice. 

My mom and friends I do have around me are all the support I need and my mom has excelled herself with loving concern for my needs which is over welming. 

I am going to keep smiling and keep my chin held high.

I have emailed reprofit for a price list, just wondered if anyone can tell me their pesonal knowledge of prices, procedures, length of stay and flights etc as I'm looking overseas and near to home but the prices near to home are rather steap!! I need IVF as I have blocked tubes!!  Minnie do you live in the midlands?? I have been looking at the Womens, MFS & Priory

Look forward to hearing from you soon, Thank you once again.

BL xx
P.s How's everyone getting on with their treatment Any wonderful BFP to share xx


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## suitcase of dreams (Oct 7, 2007)

Oh Bubble, sorry to hear about the text - what a nasty thing to do. Don't dignify it with a response - they're not worth it by the sound of it. Good that you have your mum and other friends (and us of course) to support you   

re Reprofit - for OE (own egg) IVF you would need to stay out there about 10 days. You'd go over on around day 10 of your cycle for a scan, then egg collection usuallly around day 12-14, and embryo transfer 3-5 days later depending on how they develop. You can fly direct to Brno with Ryanair from Stansted. Or you can fly to Prague, Vienna or Bratislava and get a train to Brno. It's all very easy and there are loads of travel tips on the Czech Republic board...
Can't remember how much it costs for own egg as I'm doing egg donor now, but I do recall it's cheaper than the UK even with flights and hotel. Although you do need to consider that if you use Reprofit sperm (cheap at €200) it will be totally anonymous. Whereas in the UK all sperm is ID release - ie the child can find out about/potentially contact donor when they turn 18. This is a personal decision for you to make - some people really want ID release sperm. You can still do this at Reprofit but you will need to import sperm from ESB or one of the other sperm banks, which adds to the cost. Again, if you decide you want to go this route, several of us have done it and can offer advice etc...

Best of luck, and don't let the negative people get you down!
Suitcase
x


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## Chowy (Apr 12, 2008)

Hi BL

Im so sorry that your 'friends' have reacted with such a selfish attitude towards your dream (and many other peoples)  They are the selfish ones honey not you, we all give this a huge thought, often years of thinking before we decide to go forward and pursue our dreams of having a baby of our very own without a partner.

Lets hope that there partners always stand by them, so they are not the ones coming with their tails between their legs telling you that they too are single mothers, although by default not choice.

How would they have reacted if you said you had a one night stand and had fallen pregnant by accident?  You are choosing a responsible route to achieve your dream and if they can not see that then I agree with your comment that they have shown their true colours and are indeed not the friends that you thought they were.  Im glad that you have other support and in the long run do not need them and their old fashioned opinions.

take care   

Chowy and Pup


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## Minnie35 (Oct 28, 2009)

Hiya BL, I live in Yorkshire, but I travel across to Manchester to MFS for my treatment.  I've found them really good, and they've got a relatively big sperm bank too so you could get tratment as soon as you wanted to after you've had all the tests.  I was over there today, they're really friendly and it seems their prices are much of a muchness with all the other clincs.  I don't know anything about the other two clinics you mention, but I found clinics very willing to have an in-depth chat over the phone if you were just wanting info to help you make your decision.  Hope this helps!

Minnie x


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## tegg (Apr 17, 2010)

i so angry and sorry friends have been so negitive... they are in the wrong being too selfish to see how your must feel... 

i have to admit my friends have been very supportive my mum keeps going on about gods will. which is all very well but makes me unwilling to talk. xx

all the best to you all


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