# School



## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

I was just wanting to pick your brains on schools.

Our eldest who is just 4 started school Wednesday. School have been fab to be honest, but I have my education planning meeting tomorrow and there is an issue I don't think they understand. 
Our LO has been placed for 8 weeks, we met with psychologist over holidays and as our LO has avoident attachment traits they were concerned about them attending full time. 

Both the link person and deputy head called me to say they have settled beautifully and don't see anything majorly different to the others. They feel full time would be fine and started saying she seems no different to others that are new. That they are a pleasure to have in class.

Their sw will be there and she was also at the psychologist meeting. 

My LO has been very affectionate, and said they loved me, was more clingy on day 3 and runs at me when I pick up. They have also got our photos out to look at a few times and says they miss me (however they also hugged the teacher and said they loved them too), so I know things are relatively superficial still. On day 2 they were tired and moody when I picked up and we had some horrendous tantrums most of night. They don't see that as they still on 'best behaviour' with school.I also think they are upset as 2 siblings at home and feel they missing out.
So really I'm going to ask for them to consider full days but maybe 3 or 4 days only until half term and review, I don't think our LO would like half days would be too disruptive. I got told they would miss out on a lot but in reception? Really? We do loads of phonics and reading stories and spellings at home all the time as well as imaginative play. Do you think I'm being reasonable? We have to live together forever and we got told if we don't get it right now, we will never get another chance.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Phine,

I think you should stick to your guns. There are AUK leaflets about why adopted children can struggle in school and how they can appear "fine". I would get my hands on them. Get some auk facts and arm yourself with info as to why they should be a listen ing to you.

Legally, children do not need to attend FT until they are 5 so I would be citing that too. I'd be inclined to lean to half days as it's better for structure and also not being apart from you too long but you know what suits your family best so that may not work for you.

Have a good discussion/email with SW & EP before your meet with school so that they will support you.

Good luck x


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## Artichoke (Jan 7, 2013)

Hello Phinie,

I am not an adoptive parent but I hope you don't mind me replying.   My daughter is also four and a little bit and started school part time last week. We feel it is too much for any child this age to go to school full time and I also wanted to have time with her as both she and I really enjoy spending time together and this is very important. Anyway, we decided that rather than defer or delay her school start (also options before they turn 5), she would start part time and we would not back down or be talked out of it. My husband and I talked to the head together and were prepared for quite a fight, but it was not a problem at all. So it was agreed that she would do mornings and stay for lunch and I pick her up after the lunch break. We might increase her hours a bit at some point during the school year but we are in no rush and it's unlikely before Christmas. Like Gertie said, they don't have to be in school full time (or indeed at all) until they're five.


Whether you do a few whole days or everyday but only mornings, it is still part time. I agree with Gertie in that half days make for a better routine (but again, like Gertie said, you know what would work best for your family) and most schools do the “focused” (not sure how to phrase it, but hope it's clear what I mean) learning in the mornings as this is when the kids are more alert. (They obviously “learn” stuff all the time by playing etc.) Actually, in reception all learning should be done through play. I really do not think you need to worry about your child falling behind their peers if they go to school part time. Maybe discuss with the school what would be the best way to do part time, but don't let anyone bully you into making your child do more hours than you are happy with. You as the parent have the right to decide for your child to do part time until they're five. Like Gertie said, stick to your guns!

I hope that the school can see that the most important things for your child is to form a strong and loving bond with you (which obviously requires spending time together) and that they enjoy school. Not that they're in school full time. 

Sorry for waffling on and good luck whatever you decide!  

Artichoke xxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Phinie, I think you're right to be concerned about her attending full time after being home such a small amount of time.  It's hard with avoidant children to form the bond you need to build attachment, and I think more time would be likely to be of benefit.  Schools in general don't tend to have a good understanding of the importance of forming a secure attachment with the primary carer and how an inability to do that can effect children in the long term.  I am hitting a real brick wall with getting any support for my daughter basically because she is meeting all her development milestones and appears to be quite bright.  Our HV, SWs, GP etc can't understand how a child who is developmentally somewhat ahead of her peers in most areas can also have serious emotional problems, and all I hear is "if she wasn't secure, she wouldn't be learning" where in reality it's nothing like that simple.  

I think if you start part time and then decide actually full time would be better it will be a much easier transition than going full time and having to scale it back if things go wrong.  How recently did she turn 4?  Is keeping her at home for another year an option?  We've considered it with our son, or simply keeping him in pre-school the year he is due to start school, because his birthday is in August and he's developmentally somewhat behind.  The school even suggested it to us if we don't feel he's ready to start although I'm very lucky in that one of our local primary school is absolutely excellent in terms of SEN and the support they've given Wyxling in pre-school has been brilliant.  They're already talking about what they can offer her when she starts primary school in 2015 and have been as helpful as they can be regarding both children.

You are Mum, and you get to decide what's best now.  Social Services will fall in line if you've got the support of their psychologist, but yes, it's better if you can show the school why you're making the decisions you are and be armed with the right information to demonstrate that you're not just a crazy over-protective Mum and do have genuine concerns.  The AUK information on attachment and learning on their website is quite good, iirc.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Daddyboo (Paul) (Dec 24, 2012)

I completely agree with Wyxie.

You are 8 weeks in, that's nothing in the grand scheme of things.  I don't think I could have sent our LO to school full time at that stage, it's only in the last few weeks that we have known she is ready to start tomorrow, and we are over 7 months in.

I believe we would have deferred a term and started her later if there had been any issues, but I do like the idea of part time, as that will give your LO some structure and most importantly routine.  Routine is exactly what you all need right now.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Paul x


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## MummyPhinie (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for your replies.

Meeting went well, both the home link and teacher were fab, the deputy head was a bit more determined but the sw backed me up, she came round afterwards to see the others and she said I did really well. Other than Wednesday which is pe and after school crafty club (my LO adores things like that and it's with their teacher and class so chance for extra socialising) they have agreed to short days, so finish after lunch, unless there an afternoon activity out (going on trip tomorrow). They will keep me informed via diary the coming weeks plans. But generally stick to the same routine.

I found a booklet on adoption uk and they are going to look at it. We will extend the days gradually towards half term, and slow it down or speed up as necessary. When I explained (not in any detail) that not only had they suffered neglect, loss , grief, trauma, plus separation from siblings in FC, so it was important for the whole family they really listened. Also discussed the topics of approaching families and who is important to them etc and how to manage her issues and behaviour.

I know my LO said she 'loved' her teacher after today's meeting I kind of love her myself! She is very caring.

As I had to take the others they are looking forward to having them too!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Great job, Phini!  I constantly go on about this resource, but I've found it really good - especially when people talk about behaviours being 'normal' and 'age-appropriate' (even if they PRESENT this way, if the motivation and cause is trauma and attachment issues, then the reaction needs to be different....)

Google Essex County Council Supporting Adopted Children in School.  Really useful table of behaviours, explanations and suggestions.


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## Lorella (Jan 10, 2013)

Glad your meeting went well Phinie x


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Well done Phinnie, I just want to echo everyone's advise and give you a pat on the back for standing your ground and doing right by your LO. 
You need to get access to the private section for ppl with placed children. As we have a forum on school starters as there's a few of us with LO's who have just started school   xx


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## Artichoke (Jan 7, 2013)

Happy to hear the meeting went well and that the teacher is caring. Wishing you and your family all the best!  

A xxx


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