# So heartbroken, and can't talk to anyone



## andymay (Aug 25, 2009)

Hi all
Can anyone please just share words of support or hope or anything to get me through this horrible day? We had a successful cycle of IVF in April, which resulted in a BFP and then a m/c at 5+5. After a horrible few months during which I got bronchitis and every infection going, we finally got to use our frozen embryos in a transfer on 20 August. I was on a medicated cycle so they told me I wouldn't bleed until I stopped the drugs if I got a BFN. Everything went so well - our blast thawed well (though we lost the rest), and started dividing again, lining great, and for almost 2 weeks I felt really positive. Then the day before OTD, last Tuesday, I woke up to a lot of heavy bleeding. It felt like the m/c all over again and I'm still getting flashbacks to the horror and fear I felt. We think the only way I could have bled, and overridden the medication, is if I'd had an implantation which had failed - esp as had a faint line on the stick before it turned to BFN. 

Pick myself up and carry on - back to work, lots of exercise, healthy diet - and tell myself we'll get through it. Try to put away memories of the m/c, and deal with the anger that accompanies the traumatic, unexpected bleeding and horrible end to our FET. But today I woke up feeling ill, didn't gp into work and stepped off the treadmill of life for long enough for it to hit me that I don't think I'll ever hold my own baby, and I've now lost all our frozen embryos, and had two losses. I can't stop crying. My husband is away at a conference and won't come home and we didn't tell anyone about the FET so I can't turn to any friends - and my mother worries too much for me to really lean on her. The house is so quiet and I can't stop crying. I feel stupid for not coping better. I feel guilty for not being at work. I feel like such a failure, and so incredibly angry and lonely. If anyone could spare 2 minutes to say something nice, I'd be so grateful. 

AM xx


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## Every cloud.... (Mar 29, 2010)

Hi

You're not alone now...you've loads of 'vitual' friends now!!!

Stop being so hard on yourself, everything you're feeling is OK and natural looking at everything you've been through.

So my suggestion for the rest of the day is to put your feet up, watch a favourite DVD ( 'cos daytime telly is rubbish) and eat some chocolate.

Be back in a minute!!


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## Sidsgirl (Oct 11, 2004)

Hi Andymay - i am so sorry for what you have been through. I myself went through 5 MC's so i know how you must be feeling.
What helped me, because i also did not have anyone who i could really talk to apart from my lovely friends here on FF was to just let myself cry and grieve until i was just all dryed up inside. 
It takes time and you need to cry and grieve for your lost babies. Please don't feel stupid for not coping better what you have been through is heartbreaking and it is normal to break down and cry. 
You must be sick of hearing this but time will help you heal, you will always remember what has happened but you will find with time you will just cope better.
I was also very angry, but i turned that anger into determination to fight on and eventually get what i always dreamed off. I had immune problems though which were making me miscarry, with treatment for that i now have my girls.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you need to cry and you need to just take each day at a time just doing the things you feel comfortable to do.
I promise you it does get easier, maybe when you feel a little stronger to carry your journey on you could see about having a few investigations about why you did miscarry.
I hope i have helped a little take care of yourself because you are important

Love Carmela x


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## Cazne (Jul 19, 2009)

andymay,

I'm so sorry to hear your news.  It is just so terrible when the treatment doesn't work or it goes wrong.  Please don't feel you are alone in this, FF is great and eveyone is so supportive, I am sure you will recieve some replies from others too.  Sending you a virtual 

 

Thinking of you Cazne xxx


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## loubes (May 30, 2009)

Andymay     

How you are feeling right now is perfectly normal and perfectly natural hun.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve you just have to do what your body is telling you and if that means locking yourself away from the world to have a good cry and eat too much chocolate then that is what you must do.  Until you heal properly you will not get your full fight back and you need that to move forward and try again, as the others say time is a great healer, 10 months ago I didn't want to believe that but its true.  You will never forget what you've lost and never get over it but you learn to live with it and in turn live life again.
Do not feel guilty about work etc, they will not understand something that right now you cannot understand, having DH around has probably kept you on an even keel and now he's away your feeling more vulnerable.
Just go with what your body wants to do, you have all your virtual buddies to support you through this difficult time thinking of you babe x x x


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## andymay (Aug 25, 2009)

Every Cloud, Carmela, Cazne and Loubes, thank you so, so much. Everything you say is true - I know I need to take time to grieve properly. It's funny, you think you're moving on and coping well and then one thing just slips slightly and the whole lot falls down. I've been buried in work, garden and gym and then, all of a sudden, sitting in a quiet house it just hits you like a train. I know you've all been through so much too, and your words of wisdom and comfort do give me hope that one day I'll be able to do the same for someone else.
It's odd, right now it's not even that I'm crying because I'm not pregnant, more for all the shattered dreams and broken hearts and lost embryos... As you say, Loubes, with DH away I feel so lost and vulnerable. It's hard, his way of coping is to just carry on, and I feel so angry with him for not being a mess like me, which I know is unfair. 
Thank you all again so much - and my heart goes out to each of you for what I know you've all been through, too. I've got some plans for moving on - including changing to a clinic I feel more supported with and doing the investigations, as you suggested - so let's hope we all meet again in happier times  .
Much love,
AM x


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## wishing4miracle (Sep 7, 2006)

just wanted to give you a   


its totally normal to feel the way you do after everything youve been through.especially as you had the loss in apr and then went straight into another tx which was a bfn.and i expect it doesnt help that your dh is away working either.we are all here for you if you need anything.i havent got any friends in the real world but i have been on here for about 3/4 yrs and get all the support from my ff family on here more i expect then a real friend would give.


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## andymay (Aug 25, 2009)

Thank you, Wishing. It's funny, i couldn't bear to be on FF for the first couple of days but actually it hurts less to be on here and talking to people who understand than I thought it would. Even people with BFPs you know have had times like this, so you don't feel anything like as angry or sad as you do when you see pregnant women on the street, on ******** (in the shops, on the tv, in the parks, etc etc). Everyone's so kind, becuase everyone understands.

One thing that scares me a bit is how angry I am. Angry with everyone and everything. Every time I see a pg person - or even hear one of my friends bleating on about how cute their baby is when they dribble food - I have to grit my teeth to stop myself saying something inappropriate. Normally I'm a really even-tempered person and I hate saying nasty things to people or even being unpleasant in any way, but at the moment I don't seem to have any ability to self-censor. I think that's the most major change that IF and the M/C has brought about in me and it scares me - I feel hard, and bitter, and full of rage. 

On the bright side, no one in the office dares to ask me to do anything at the moment...   

Take care, and thanks again,
AM x


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## beachgirl (Jun 7, 2007)

Andymay      , so sorry hun, it's very common to be angry, when is your DH home?


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

Andymay there is no right way to grieve - you will experience EVERY emotion in your vocabulary!  And you are doing well to admit to your grief and begin to deal with it.
I've never had a misc but have had 4 bfn's.  In past I've just felt sad and angry then got up, wiped myself down and got on with life.
However after our latest failure I'm determined to 'sort' myself out properly this time so I can move forward and rid myself of all these negative feelings!
What I'm trying to say is.......... go with the flow, let yourself grieve and treat yourself well.  You've earned it.
Good luck X


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## andymay (Aug 25, 2009)

Just wanted to say thanks to you all again. back at work today and feeling a little better but expecting up days and down days. I thought because I felt okay last week I wouldn't have a down day but it's not that straightforward is it? I guess in time there will be less and less of them. DH home tonight so very grateful for that. Seems like I'm making a big fuss, but I'm not very good at being alone at the best of times! 

I'm very grateful for everyone's kind words when I really needed them. It's so good to know you're not alone. 
Love to all
AM xxx


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