# Negative really hurts



## MrsTab (Sep 15, 2014)

Hi everyone
I'm new to here and just need to reach out after bfn beta today.
It's our first time on a cycle and went straight to icsi. My initial month was cancelled due to an elevated fsh level 11.9, then this cycle found that I had a 10.2 fsh but advised I should go ahead with only 7 follicles. After a super painful egg collection, 7 eggs were retrieved - 5 mature and 2 fertilised. I had 2 embryos transferred on day 3, an 8 cell & a 5 cell. We thought we were so lucky and had really positives vibes about the cycle all the way through.

Im devastated and despite trying to be as realistic all the way through you dare to dream in the 2ww. 

Day by day it will get better and once we have a forward plan in place we will be focussed on new hope.  But today is really hard and I'm feeling upset and angry. I think my DH has less hope now too.  We have no frozen embryos and have used our 1 nhs funded cycle- so any further attempt will be 4k straight out of the bank. 

I know I'm being defeatist but a negative is really hard.  I look to your strength and wisdom on these boards ladies to help me through. Xxxx


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## Tbird1 (Jun 4, 2014)

Mrs Tab, 

Just wanted to say, I know how you feel I am at the exact same place as you right now.
How I am trying to cope is by looking to the future and taking the positives from the cycle. You got eggs and you got to transfer. I have researched success rates and they are not the best for the first attempt, although obviously it does happen! But we should be prepared for three attempts.! ( if strong enough emotionally and if possibly finiaciallly) 

Give your body time to heal and your heart. You will get your dream x xx  
Stay strong with your partner, as you will need each other more than ever x


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## MrsTab (Sep 15, 2014)

Tbird - your post just made me cry. I'm so sorry you're in the same position and salute you for your strength.

Thank you so much for your words of support, you are so right we need to look forward to the next steps and be positive about how far we've got. 

I've been so realistic & level headed all the way through and celebrated every success with this cycle- but I went off with the fairies after transfer.  I never expected to be thrown into each stage without space for a breath.

You're totally right 3 cycles is what we need to focus on. I've got so many qns for my consultant. Im feeling anger which isn't good but I feel like we've been treated like a number at our clinic as there are lots of tests and investigations that might have painted a fuller picture for treatment. The more I read the amazing resources on here the more I realise how treatments are just generic in our clinic. Maybe that's the way it starts with your first cycle though, it's diagnostic I suppose.

Thank you for your strength and perspective. Keep strong and focussed & your time will be here soon- we're half way there xxxx


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## Tbird1 (Jun 4, 2014)

Mrs Tab , 

Sorry I didn't mean to make you sad x 

I think on the first attempt we go with what the doctors recommend, this time if you have any doubts, speak up and tell them. I am hoping that they are at least able to pinpoint a possibly reason why it failed. 

I am doing some research on the possibly reasons why it failed and I will be asking my consultant what will be done differently this time. 

As my boyfriend pointed out we are paying them !! It all about learning from the failed cycle 

I will be stronger this time. 

We can do this xxx good luck.


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

Hi ladies, 

I also know how you feel, having just had our 2nd failed cycle, neither cycle got to fertilisation   first cycle I didn't produce any eggs even, despite follicles on scans.

After our first cycle at our follow up I had lots of questions, like why they had proceded to ec, despite rubbish oestrogen levels, to be told that some clinics go from scans alone and my scan appeared ok. They also said if presented with the same picture again they would also attempt ec. So going into round 2 I was so focused on getting eggs that I couldn't see beyond that.

When they came in to see us after ec and told us we had 6 good eggs from 7 mature follicles I couldn't have been happier, I almost skipped out of the clinic. I even stopped to tell the receptionist who has been so supportive, that I got eggs!!!

To get the phone call the next morning to say none had fertilised was horrific  , I could barely even speak. I have shed no tears, it is like I am void of emotion, like this whole process has knocked it out of me.

What I think I am trying to say, rather longwinded, is that there are constant hurdles we have to get over. They weren't lying when they said IVF is hard  

We have had no funded cycles at all, so I am not even thinking about the financial side


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## Panama81 (Aug 31, 2014)

Hi ladies I've also just got a BFN this week with my first round of ICSI.. We had two top grade embryos transferred all was going so well I was thinking really positive throughout.. 

I'm finding it hard now I feel myself constantly thinking of the reasons why it's failed , is it something I've done, did I go back to work too soon, also found myself arguing with my husband throughout the 2ww, it hasn't been easy.  

xxxx


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## MrsTab (Sep 15, 2014)

Tbird your support overwhelmed me & made me cry in a good way. Feel so alone with this - I've support from friends and fam but no one's been through this so they don't understand. I agree with you that as paying customers we've more of a lead on things. You know, I really wished i'd researched more before starting the cycle, I was blinded by it all.  Next time will be so much more focussed on what fits us- I'm looking forward to our positives soon. XxX

Spudlin- I'm so sorry darling it's so unfair. Every step feels like a lottery and the build up is so consuming that you focus everything into it. It really is so hard. It's the second day after my bad news and I feel sad still but we have some clear qns and directions together for my follow up appointment next week. It's made me feel a bit more control and armed for the next step. Reading other ladies stories gives me massive hope for us all we can nail itxxx

Panama please please don't blame yourself. I'm so sorry for your bfn it's really hard. You've done everything you could and there's so much conflicting advice on activity levels after transfer. My clinic told me to carry on completely as normal, I was a bridesmaid the afternoon of transfer. I'm trying to focus on the successes of this cycle.  It's so hard for pressure not to mount in 2ww. I had a shouty moment yesterday as felt like my husband had lost hope after this cycle. It's hard to not take anger out on someone but Tbird's right we need to keep them close and hold on tight through this. Xxx

We'll get our little bundles after this white knuckle ridexxxx


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## Tbird1 (Jun 4, 2014)

Mrs Tab - glad your feeling a little bit better, I am still down and tearful, blaming the drugs I wish I could just stop taking them! 

Spudlin - sorry that is really rubbish !!! I hope they have given you some answers as to why this,ay gave happened. Will you be trying again? 

Panama81 - I am not surprised you were really positive, it's hard not to be when you had two top grade embroyos. I went through that stage of blaming myself, feeling a failure!! But we have not failed - it is the procedure that failed !!!! 

We will get our dreams xx


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## MrsTab (Sep 15, 2014)

Tbird - sorry youre down, its natural with what we've gone through but totally need these drugs out. Hard to rein myself in today with it though - my eyes honestly look like kiwi fruits from all the balling this week.xxxxxxxx Im doing cinema this weekend - so I can just stare at something loud and not think.xxx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

We had our follow up this morning and we were expecting to hear icsi.

What we heard instead was donor eggs  

In light of the fact that both of our failed cycles were due to my eggs, OH has amazing swimmers  , our doc feels that even with icsi we are only looking at a 1% chance with my eggs.

Strange as it may sound I kind of always knew this was my path.... Creepy I know but I just knew. With DE we are looking at over 40% success. 

No brainer really cos I am not sure I could cope emotionally with another failed cycle with my eggs. I know lots of others have had way more cycles than us, but I am trying to be logical about things, especially as we have self funded from the start.


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## MrsTab (Sep 15, 2014)

spudlin that must have been a shock, how do you feel? Your success percentage is really good with DE that must be really positive to know, I bet you just want to crack on now.
Having read some of the other ladies stories I do feel like we're really new in the game.  I can't imagine it getting any easier though.
xxx


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## spudlin (Nov 12, 2012)

I feel ok, 
Not entirely convinced hubby feels the same though. Leaving him to his thoughts for now


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## HighTower (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi ladies
I'm so sorry to read your sad stories. Ivf is like a form of mental torture  . MrsTab, you hit the nail on the head about feeling so alone. I don't know anyone who's been through this either - people who are lucky enough to be able to have families without issue have no concept of what it's like. It's like looking in through the window of this baby club that you want to be part of but can't get in.

We had our first cycle back in May at GCRM Belfast which was unsuccessful. Even though we were told our chances of success were in single figures and they only collected a single egg, I wasn't prepared for how raw the pain would be. At the same time the two girls sat opposite me in work were going through their first pregnancies so it just amplified my pain. I spent my days just trying to keep it together while I heard every intricate detail of their baby's movements.

We have one NHS cycle in the pipeline, maybe Dec/Jan 2015. I need to get my head back in the ivf zone by then!

Sending you all some much needed hugs 
HT xxx


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## leebeeloo (Sep 4, 2014)

Hello, I hope you don't mind me saying something... 
I've been spotting on and off since Wednesday, and I knew then things had come to an end. But it is human nature to try and find hope - so I did. Unfortunately my initial thoughts were confirmed this morning when AF started. I was/am 7dp5dt of two' beautiful blastocysts (according to the embryologist). The hope I had for these two was amazing. It had taken is 5 years to get to this stage and nobody could tell me this wasn't going to work. I have an 18 year old son who I carried naturally, but for some reason (no one knows despite lots of tests) my tubes decided to block after I had him, which is why we found ourselves on this dreaded roller coaster ride. 
My mum carried 6 babies, her mum before her, so I really thought once we got these embies into my uterus there would be no issue! It must be a cuddly womb - look at my gene pool! 
The harsh realisation I face this morning is devastating. DH works away and is presently trying to find a flight home. 
I suppose as we used the access fertility program we should feel ' lucky'. We have paid for two cycles so now just need to wait for my body to recover physically then we will start again. I don't think I will ever recover emotionally as I do feel I have' lost' two "beautiful" babies - I know that is ridiculous and I know that naturally women go through this and know nothing about it at this stage. i also know "I never really was pregnant", but this IVF process gives you the balls to dream the impossible; to worship at the alter of PUPO and then crush you in an instant. I suppose right now I feel crushed. 

So here we go again. I have to lose weight (again), I have to prepare myself for the sleepless nights, the injections, the early morning commute to Manchester before work for the blood tests; scans, the emotional turmoil that comes from messing about with your hormones, and of course the hope... 
We have saved enough for another two cycles after the next. But I don't think there will be enough of my soul left to go through it if it doesn't work this time.
Being a woman sucks at times; being a woman who can't even do what she is genetically designed to do, sucks even more.


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## angelica_wales (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi leebeeloo

Sorry you find yourself here... Have you spoken to your clinic?  Bleeding doesn't necessarily mean it's over. There are plenty of stories out there of women who bleed and go on to have successful pregnancies.  I was convinced on my first cycle that it was all over after really heavy bleeding on 9dp3dt (equivalent to your 7dp5dt) I increased my progesterone on the advice of the clinic,  absolutely convinced it hadn't worked.  12dp3dt I tested and had a faint line, tested again the next day and it was even fainter, waited until OTD 2 days later and got a very strong BFP. My consultant theorised that it was possible that both embies had implanted and one had come away which is why the line initially got lighter.  Sadly I bled again and had  mc confirmed a week later but there are plenty of ladies who go full term!

I know it's all and scary and I'm not guaranteeing that everything will be ok but you could still go on to get your BFP. 

Regardless of the outcome this time around,  try to remain positive.  You have carried to term before so there's no reason it can't happen again!

Angelica
xx


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## leebeeloo (Sep 4, 2014)

Hi Angelica,
Sadly, the bt confirmed what we knew - BFN.
I'm a bit more composed now, possibly because the result allows us 'closure' and the opportunity to move on. We are booking the follow up appointment tomorrow and hopefully we will hear then what we need to do different, if anything.
I would have gone quite mad, had it not been for these boards. I apologise if anyone thought I was whining, but I found it quite cathartic to share my feelings here as to actually say (so hear) my thoughts would have seen my self and my DH (who has been my absolute rock, despite going through it himself) off.
I hope to be back, and more positive, in a couple of months.
I have my fingers and legs crossed for all of you out there. I've even said my prayer to St Gerard tonight... I'm not at all religious, but right now I'm willing to put my faith (quite literally) in anything!
Take care and baby dust to you all xxx


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## angelica_wales (Oct 10, 2012)

So sorry leebeeloo xx

Never apologise for whining on here!  There are many of us here who unfortunately know exactly what you are going through... 

Take some time to heal and come back stronger xx


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## MrsTab (Sep 15, 2014)

Hi leebeeloo - I know this is a really delayed response to your post but I've only just seen it after keeping myself away for a while. Im so sorry to hear of your pain, I hope you're feeling okay and getting stronger. Just wanted to send out hugs & wishes to you
Xxx


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## Hopefulshell (Mar 14, 2013)

to you all. It's a totally
rubbish place to be in as I know too well having
just failed our fourth tx last week  when you 
feel you've hit rock bottom it can seem a long way
back to normality but hold on to your dreams - 
we're so much stronger than we give ourselves 
credit for and our experiences will make us all 
super mummies when the time is right  

X


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## leebeeloo (Sep 4, 2014)

Hello,
I've come back to the boards as we are now in our 2nd cycle.
I thought I'd come and have a quick look here and wanted to say thank you for all your hugs and wishes.
This board really helped me deal with the gut wrench which is a BFN, so thank you
Fingers and legs crossed for us all
Xx


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## MrsTab (Sep 15, 2014)

Hi leebeloo
We're on our 2nd icsi cycle too- egg collection tomorrow. We've got about half the amount if follicles as last time but seen as we've got this far we thought just gamble and go for it as you've go to be in it to win it!
Hope you're feeling okay
Hope everyone else is doing well
Much love xxx


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## sunshine and clouds (Sep 28, 2014)

Good luck ladies!


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## itsonlybridge (Oct 29, 2014)

Leebeeloo I really understand where you are coming from. It's devestating isn't it. A few of us are chatting on the thread called BFN Oct-Dec a few above this one.

We have just had out first cycle of IVF after 11 years of tic and 3 mc after conceiving naturally.nothing found in investigations so we really thought that we had a chance with IVF if we could just get the sperm and the egg together and into the womb.. We had 2 blastos transferred and had our BFN on Thursday, it hurt more than I could have ever imagined and I have spent the last few days randomly bursting into tears. The last time I felt this upset was my last mc and it does feel like a miscarriage which technically it is... We had 2 week old embryos in our wombs and nurtured them during that time in the way women do in the first 2 weeks of being pregnant, being PUPO is no different really in that respect, we are full of hope and dreams.

Anyway just wanted to say I relate to everything you have said and I'm feeling it all right here with you xx


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