# How to accept - a bit sad



## Pogo1 (Jan 2, 2004)

I am feeling very sad today and have been everyday since dh and I decided to give up on tx. He probably thinks i am the wife from hell, with all my tears and downers. I try to start every morning with a smile and then a big dark cloud looms over threatening to envelope me or i feel I am sitting on the edge of a great big dark hole, not knowing when I might fall in and I know once I do I will never get out. I shed a few tears every single day and I fear that I might drag dh down with me - i know it hurts him to see me sad and he says he has no intentions of leaving me, but I can't bear to see him lose his grip as well. 

After 6 failures, you would think I have had enough and I have, but something keeps telling me not to give up and still I know I won't be able to cope with another failure. I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking at other people and their families and feeling jealous or borrowing other peoples children (I WANT MY OWN!) for the day and being grateful for the little time I spend with them.

How do you come to terms with not being able to do the most natural thing your body was intended for -I can never see myself accepting this. I look into the future and see a crabby old bag, bitter and unforgiving. I don't want to be that person - I know there is life without children, but finding that 'thing' that fills that great big GAP in your life is so hard.  

Love to all
xxxx


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

hi crabby know how you feel, I am 43 years old. Once we become obsessed it takes over everything, I have moments when I get into my work that I completely have no other thoughts, but when I am quiet it all comes back. I know i am too old for adopting not for DE which is one of the routes you can do until 50 + unless you find that doc in Italy and go on to 60+.  Sorry as I don't know your situation I can't suggest but hav you looked into donor eggs.


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## Pogo1 (Jan 2, 2004)

Hi Bottle,

Thanks for replying. I have thought about donor eggs and adoption and have even mentioned adopting from abroad to dh, but he dose not seem to too keen on any of these. 

I know what you mean about work - it is the only saving grace for me right now, having found a great job to keep me busy and take my mind of it.

Definitely not donor eggs at 60? I don't think i will have any energy left to run around after kids by then.

Take care,
X


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## bottleofwater (Jun 19, 2007)

sorry DH doesn't seem keen on DE or adoption, it will be the same for me I fear, I have mentioned DE but my DH thinks I am crazy. Sorry I called you Crabby but your name is Crystal OOps I got that wrong. I think it takes time to heal these thoughts there is no quick fix unfortunately, the times I have become pregnant (then miscarried) it when I really didn't think about it or was happy with my life at that point.  Then after the miscarriages I become obsessed again. I feel like I don't get what I want if I wish for it. So someonhow I have to get on with life and not think about it, hard I know, great you have a really good job that does make a huge difference.  I am sure you know women like yourself and sometimes this helps, I also know women with children that are deeply unhappy, not because of the children because they have other issues. take care of yourself toox


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## Pogo1 (Jan 2, 2004)

It's ok, i don't mind being called crabby - its dh's nickname for me anyway.

I am sorry to hear of your miscarriages, it must have been very heart breaking having something snatched away like that. In all my tx cycles, i only had one low +ve which turned into a negative, after that, not a glimmer of a +ve. I know what you mean about people with children are also unhappy, my sister is very unhappy with her lot, even though she has two lovely kids and one of each - she is envious of my life and being able to do what i want when i want, but there are only so many times I can go shopping, do my nails etc. etc.  before i get bored - I don't even bother now, I am so bored with it all, I am turning into a desperate housewife! but less of the house and more of the desperate.


Hugs,
x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Crystal and BOW,

Sorry guys that circumstances have led you here, but at the same time, well done for posting, as this place is a great source of support for very many people. 

There is no one miracle solution to the challenge of getting through the moment where you realise it probably isn't going to happen, but if you stick around here long enough the wisdom of the regulars here will give you some pointers....

In the mean time, let your grief out, rant as much as you need to, and trunst that people here will understand....

Love to your both, 

MM xxx


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## lilacbunnykins (Mar 15, 2005)

i know how you feel,i to cant accept ill never be a mum,i suppose because i know i can have ivf and theres a big chance i could get pregnant,but sadly we cant afford private treatment,so thats it...if i was told i could not have any kids point blank i know i would be able to accept that,i to have had to pregnacies got to 2 months with 1st one and about 5 weeks with 2nd both resulted in eptopics and lost both of my tubes,worse thing was i had iui treatment for both of them so emotions were high with both...i cant help you with the how do u cope because i dont know either,just wanted to let you know you not the only one going through this and a big hug comes from me to you x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Crystal, BOW and LBK,

There are quite a few of new people joining this board, and you are all very welcome, though as MM says, we regulars are sorry that you have been undergoing the pain of IF and are now having to come to terms with the end of the road. 

It is such a hard time as the regulars know. But I hope we can offer our support to you by listening to your stories, sharing our own and being here to celebrate the small but positive steps to finding your own ways forward. Your first posts here are indeed the first of those steps, so please keep visiting!

Love

Jq xxx


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## Pogo1 (Jan 2, 2004)

Hi girls,

Thanks for your replies. It is not nice we are all in this position, but somehow we get through it and it is nice to know there is support out there from people who have been there and gone through similar things.

LBK-sorry to hear about your traumas - we are in the unexplained category and nothing as yet has been found wrong. I hade tx with the best: Mr T. from the argc and still nothing (IVIG, streroids, the works!). There is a very small chance it could happen naturally, but i think that is highly unlikely now after 7 years ttc. 

Hello to MM and Jq - nice to know we have a place to rant, although I am ranting everyday, so it will be selective ranting. xx

Hugs
XXX


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## MrsPoogs (Nov 7, 2006)

Hi Crystal and everyone else on the tread.

My feelings and thoughts echo what you have said in your original post and I am so sorry that things haven't worked out for you and I am in a similar situation, feeling very lost, sad, angry, upset and don't know what to do next.  I too, have been enjoying until now, the pleasures, such as shopping, nails, lunches and other stuff and feel now totally uninterested in it as I still dont' have what I want and that's a child or children.  I too, have friends who are jealous of my spare time and freedom when all I want is what they have got and thank goodness for work as it is the only steady sane thing in my life!

I have been waiting for IVF now for years and have been waiting on the NHS for 2 years with treatments and then since Sept 06 on the actual waiting list.  Finally, my chance comes round this year and I have had all the tests and have been given the funding only to now find out that my FSH levels are slowly rising (probably due to my age 39 now, 40 early next year) and that if they don't drop in the next few months I will lose my place.  I was also told that I could not receive private treatment in the interim as I would lose my NHS place which made me even madder!! I was very fortunate to have been able to have one chance privately and would have felt happy to have been able to give my NHS place to someone else but this was not mean to be and I too, may have now lost out on both counts! How totally mad is that?!

I would dearly love to Adopt and had set my heart on it if the tx didn't work, but my DH has now said he feels he can't go through adoption as he feels he can't love someone else's child/ren.  I don't feel like this at all and know friends who have adopted both successfully and unsuccessfuly and I have a very good friend who was adopted from birth successfully.  It is such an emtional rollercoaster that doesn't seem to finish and I wish I could just get off and find some normality although I dont' know what that is anymore.... TTC does take over your life.

Maybe your DH will change his mind in time and come round to the idea of adopting, I am wondering whether this will be the case with my DH.  I still feel like I can't give up as I want this so much, but maybe I do need to accept that the tx won't happen and I wouldn't force my DH into doing something he didn't want to do. 

I hope you don't mind me joining the thread as right now I am not sure where I belong....

Poogie x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Poogie, 

Some people stay for good, some just drop in for a while, and either approach is just fine with the regulars here. Me? I think it far wiser and braver to at least peek behind the 'involuntarily childless curtain' than to deny the possibility of you ending up there, and there is a lot of wonderful support to be had here. As we always say, sorry you've ended up with us, but you are very welcome.... 

Love, 
MM xx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Poogie,

Yes, welcome. You may feel sad to arrive here, but it is a place of solace and support.  

Love

Jq xxx


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## Pogo1 (Jan 2, 2004)

Hi Poogie,

Of course you are welcome! I am 39 too and soon to be 40 next year. I set 40 as my 'stop and get on with life' point. Although 4 years of tx seems to have gone rather too quickly for my liking. 

Adoption seems to be the only option for us, as dh is totally against donor eggs and he is not totally opposed adoption but very wary of it and how we would cope physically and emotionally.

I also have high fsh, but has come down several times for tx, so you still might be in luck in the next few months. 

Love,
xxxx


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## MrsPoogs (Nov 7, 2006)

Hi everyone.

Thanks for the warm welcome on this thread.  I am hoping that my FSH levels lower so at least I can have one try at IVF I think I would feel much better about having at least one chance. My DH is finding our situation very difficult and things are very tense for us at the moment and I hope they will get better in time.  

I do think about what it would be like to not have children and I do realise I may have to accept that it wasn't meant to be - but I am struggling at the moment, maybe its because I still hold out some hope I can have the treatment of that DH and I can consider adoption next year.  

Its funny but my "quick fix" remedies for helping me cope on this difficult journey are not helping me now and I just feel lost and burnt out and don't know where to go, perhaps I do just need to feel sad at the moment (but not for too long).

Jq and MM thanks for the welcome I think I may stay a while as I am not sure which thread I belong now as I am in between.....

Crystal - I do hope that my DH will consider adoption in the future, maybe he will once he knows whether or not we can have the treatment in a few months.  Good luck with whatever you plan to do.... 

My DH and I seem to both be suffering with the pain of not having had the treatment early this year privately when we decided to take the chance and my DH said he didn't want to carry on as he didn't want to jeopardise the NHS place and I am also now feeling so annoyed and angry at being stuck in the NHS system and I wished now I had investigated having IUI or IVF even last year... hindsight is so frustrating..... I know I probably should try to focus on the future it is just hard at the moment hopefully in a few days or next week or so I will pick up again .....

I have today off work and have been learning to horse ride in the last two months hoping this will help me focus on something else and also to do something on my own which is actually fun and I am so not an animal person!  I have a lesson tomorrow at 8am   and am off to London to meet a very supportive girlfriend for lunch which will be nice.

Anyway, hope everyone is ok and have a lovely weekend.

Poogie xx  

Ps. where is the sun?


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