# BFN yesterday, this saturday I meet my brand new nephew, How?????



## luckyinluv (May 11, 2008)

Just got our BFN yesterday after our third cycle of IVF, reeling from it all, this cycle was the most awful experience, feel awfull too as yesterday was DH birthday! Our first two cycles went like clockwork but ended in BFN, this cycle went wrong right from the start. 

We tried a new clinic and they refused to collect the eggs from the right ovary saying there were too many veins surrounding it and would be too risky.  So we ended up with 3 eggs from the left ovary on day of collection and only one of those fertilised.  

On day of transfer they advised me that it was a poor embryo with some fracturing, so already very little hope.  the day after transfer I had a little bleed which they warned me of due to natural ovulation in the right ovary.  Then on day 9 I got a small amount of spotting and was deliriously excited only to wake on day 10 with a substantial bleed that kept going and only died down to spotting on sunday (day 12) and I am still spotting.  I know that now I have stopped my meds AF will start in earnest......   

My biggest problem is that my brother and his wife fly back into the country from South Africa where they live to introduce us all to their 10month old son and also celebrate the news of their next baby due in Dec!!!  How on earth am i meant to celebate with everyone and be excited for them?  

In the five years I have been TTC, I have watched 21 babies come into this world, during each of my cycles, some other woman has announced her happy news to me.  I am begining to be supersticious and think that my IVF cycles spread baby dust on those near to me.....

Now to drag myself through the shower and go to work today, how am I supposed to plaster a smile on my face and teach people?


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

I used to think that I had some sort of magnetic ability that made pregnancy surround me, despite not being able to have children myself. At one point I was working with three pregnant women, my sister was pregnant and my best friend was also pregnant. It was awful. I can utterly sympathize with you.


In my opinion, you need to put yourself first. I think set boundaries around the visit so that you know exactly how long you will need to be there. In my experience, it is easier to literally pop in on people grit teeth congratulate and then leave and have a bloody good cry about how flippin unfair it is. I suppose what I'm saying is, don't feel you need to stick around all the time with them because you don't want to upset them, either explain and say that you're finding it difficult (if you think they'll be understanding) or have a good excuse ready, you've been called in to work...


I really, really feel for you. BFN is like being smacked in the face and it really sounds like you've had a dreadful time this time round. I hope you'll be ok, look after yourself and DH.


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## Fordy girl (Jan 4, 2011)

Hi, 

I have just finished my first cycle and that didn't work out for me. My brother and his wife have just had a baby and I still haven't made it round to seeing them. I know that's awful, but my DH and I just can't do it. Life is so unfair and it makes me wonder about it all. I can't offer you any advice because I haven't been able to deal with my situation. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in not knowing how you will put a brave face on it. 

Vicki


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## luckyinluv (May 11, 2008)

Thank you fordygirl and wendycat for your replies, it really does help to know that there are other people out there who really do understand how you feel and who have been through similar.  

I am still reeling from the shock of it all, I know it is early days for me yet but right now I am thinking I dont want to go through all of the trauma of scraping the funds together yet again only to have paid a ton of money for a ton if misery....thinking of maybe going along the lines of adoption next.  

I know DH is happy with that, not sure how the family would cope/respond to that and very worried about the gruelling process they put you through, apparantly it is horrible


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## wendycat (Nov 18, 2006)

I've no direct experience regarding adoption, I have a history of depression and I think, from what I've read that is not accepted.


There's an adoption section on the site, why don't you pop over and do a reccy? Nice to keep your options open.


I know exactly what you mean about funds. It's soul destroying isn't it.


XXX


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## Fordy girl (Jan 4, 2011)

I have the same worries about the adoption process and how people will respond. I think that while you have to consider what people will feel and think, this is about you and your DH and the fact that you want to be a family. I think that only you know if can't face another round of IVF and you have to do what is best for you. but maybe you just need a bit of time. I was ready to give it all up and move out of the UK after what had happened, I just couldn't cope with seeing the people I know having what I wanted so easily, but once the anger had subsided and I could start to grieve, the way I felt changed. 

I have heard that the adoption process is tough, but I can understand why. You could always go to an information evening and just go and listen to what they have to say. My DH and I weren't sure if we could get funding from our PCT and decided that we would call the adoption service in our area to see what they had to say. They were really lovely and said that we could book onto an information session whenever we wanted and that should answer any questions that we had. It may be worth a look just to help you make a decision. 

Take care hun.


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## MrsK1970 (Jun 13, 2011)

Hi I am sorry sorry to see you are feeling so down.  I know exactly how you feel.  I got my BFN on Friday and didnt realise how it would affect me.

My sister in law is pregnant with her 3rd baby (due in October).  Her hubby just seems to look at her and she falls pregnant.  

She has been supportive and told me to go and spend an afternoon with her and the kids but I just cant face her at the moment.  I feel mean but thats just how i feel at the moment.

Sending you huge cyber            

Thinking of you xxxxx


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## Karen_S (Feb 17, 2011)

luckyinluv,

I totally understand your pain and frustration.

After failed tx#2 I am also feeling so alone, hopeless and like a giant failure. OTD was supposed to be tomorrow, but AF decided to ruin all that on Sunday.

It seems like the whole world is pregnant and has a baby. I just cannot understand why this is happening. Plus, no-one can possibly understand what this feels like unless they gave gone though it too.

I'm coping with being around babies, but only barely. All my friends are super-fertile and I think the universe dished my share of fertliity to them. About your brother, you must be so torn between staying a million miles away from the baby and the pg belly, yet wanting to support him adn be happy for him at the same time.

Does he know about your situation? Make sure he does, it may help him to understand your lack of enthusiasm when he is home. No matter what, you have to do what feels right for you. If you have to go to a family gathering, stick with DH for moral support, stay away from the baby if you need to, and leave early too if you feel you can't cope. A migraine, or allergies, or an upset stomach can't be refuted, so just leave and use that as an excuse. I've slowly worked my way through the A-Z of medical problems to avoid such situations. I think I only have ebola virus and in-grown toenails left.  But who cares - you have to do what you have to do and nobody matters but you and DH.

I'm sending you lots of cyber     and hope that, with time, you'll feel better. The pain and emptiness may stay for a while, but your abiity to cope with them will be stronger every day.

For anyone who knows me from the May/June thread, I like sharing thoughts for the day.

Here's one for everyone still suffering through this mad IVF journey:

_*Fall down seven times, get up eight!*_

Don't give up.


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## badswimmers (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi there, been in the same situation as you and can't really offer any advice upon how to deal with it.

I think really it's not a case of how you should deal with it but more of a case of others needing to understand how you might be feeling.

My brother and has partner had a newborn last October. We had our first BFN at christmas so you can only imagine how we felt about having to deal with family get-togethers over the festive holidays.

Luckily for us my mum understood how raw it was and how we would be feeling so in the end there were certain things done so that we were not put in any difficult situations.

You feelings are understandable and you should no way feel guilty about your feelings. Most people without fertility problems would never understand and just need to be guided about how we feel.


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## badswimmers (Jan 25, 2010)

luckyinluv said:


> I know DH is happy with that, not sure how the family would cope/respond to that and very worried about the gruelling process they put you through, apparantly it is horrible


The process is frightening. I have read a lot about it and seen programmes.

Although we would not mind adoption if it was our only option I don't think I could survive the process.

I can't even do interviews for jobs without being a nervous wreck, let alone interviews and meetings for adopting a child. It really needs to be the only option left for me to try and muster up the courage.

It sounds to me that you'll be fine as someone who teaches.


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## luckyinluv (May 11, 2008)

Thank you all of you for your lovely warm thoughts and wishes, cant tell you how much it means to know that my feelings are normal.  This process can be so isolating.

DH (my absolute rock) has said he would like to keep trying for a little while longer so I guess we are back to working 15 hours a day and since he earns more from night shift we will be passing each other in the hallway in the mornings till we have the money to try another cycle....

We have decided that adoption will be our last resort as my hubby's age is an issue.  

As to meeting my family this wekend I have decided, after five years of putting myself through these situations for appearances sake, I am going to be selfish and take care of myself ad not attend at all, six days after BFN is just too raw and soon. I think that a few of the family members will breath a little sigh of relief.  Of course they all want to be excited and chat about due dates and symptoms and shopping for the new baby etc and I know that my situation would make it a little awkward for all there   

By the way I took my last pessary on monday night, negative blood test on tuesday morning, how long before my AF should arrive?


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## jack12 (May 14, 2009)

luckyinlove, i can appreciate your apprehension and sadness in having to meet your nephew. My neice came along four weeks ago, the same week that ex hubby signed to destroy my last embie  . I felt so so sad that my life was yet again being destroyed, yet i was ?happy that my neice had come into the world healthy. I even had txt msgs from family members that week telling me to 'man up and move on'......move to where exactly. I dont know where i found the strength to go see her but i did. The last baby i had held had been my beautiful boy. It felt so strange to be holding a baby that had its eyes open and was breathing, wrong somehow. I remember explainig to this 'family' member that in not seeing my new neice, it wasnt an act of selfishness, more an act of self preservation!!! I guess what im trying to say is, do not put yourself in a position where you make yourself ill, you are hurting and need love support and time. Please know how sorry i am for your BFN and for how you are feeling and only do what YOU feel you can, noone else. Much love jack12 xxxx


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## luckyinluv (May 11, 2008)

Thank you for your reply Jack12, courage like you have shown in your journey makes me marvel at the human spirit, a child would be truly blessed to be able to call you mum!


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## luckyinluv (May 11, 2008)

Morning all,

This has been my third IVF cycle and how different from my first two this has been! My first two cycles the 2WW was uneventful and my AF arrived dead on time and I never even needed a blood test to confirm that it was all over for us.

This cycle I had a light intermittant bleed for three days starting from day 9 post EC, hubby and I were so excited thinking this was implantation bleed and cons was encouraging too, though he did warn that implantation is not always successful.

On Tuesday the 28th 14 days post EC we had had no AF arrive and so I got my blood test done and a BFN result, of course I stopped all hormone support on Tuesday and so I expected my AF to start quite quickly.

Its now Saturday morning, so beginning of *day five without hormones* and still not even a sign of AF - not even any cramps or twinges. Nipples are still dark and bigger than normal and have the bumps on so how long will I have to wait this time for all the progesterone to be metabolised and everything to settle so I can move on - this is so cruel!

I am also beginning to plan our next move and I know that I have to wait two normal bleeds before any new treatments can start. I am dreading the AF cos I know from my past cycles that they are very heavy and very painfull after all the progesterone but at the same time it always helps me close the door when AF comes and goes away again.

Anyone else had to wait and for how long?


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## louise36 (May 18, 2010)

lukcyinluv (and all other lovely ladies)

Just wanted to say im in exactly the same position.  One of my best friends had a baby in March, another one in June and another one gave birth on Thus! Also another one due in Aug!  I cant face the new arrival who came on Thus, my DH nearly got his head ripped off when he said she'd put the pics on ******** (devils work for us TTC ladies) and did I want to see them.  Erm no thanks!  I cannot find the enthusiasm to even buy a card let alone listen to stories of childbirth and how amazing the baby is. Bitter, moi never.  Im going to wait until shes come down from the high of having the baby and the sleep deprevation has kicked in before I pay them a visit.  We had our third failed cycle in March so its still a bit raw.

We missed my nieces christening in Oct as we'd just had our second failed cycle days before and i just couldnt face it.  You are doing completley the right thing by staying away, you cant put yourself in a position where you are potentially going to make yourself feel even worse (we feel pretty damn rubbish as it is).  They are happy in their own little world, doesnt mean unfortunately we can share their happiness as much as theyd like us to.  They have what they want, we dont and sometimes seeing it makes it all the more real and painful.  Their happiness isnt going to be any less if you dont go.  Its still hard though and I hate that infertility has made me change my lifestyle i.e I dont really see people anymore and have lost touch with some friends because of it.  

Anyway, take lots of time, its still so soon after your BFN.  Lots of luck with your journey

Lxxxxxxx


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