# Changing mindset after losing a link



## ferness (Jan 12, 2011)

I would really appreciate some advice as I'm struggling at the moment. We were approved a few months back and are finding the waiting for a match really hard. We were approved for one LO aged 0 to 3 and shortly before panel were told of a link with a baby under 1, court process was ongoing but placement order expected soon which is why we were being told. It all sounded perfect... Then there was a deferral, now another deferral for a few months for more assessments and it's all really uncertain so the link is effectively gone and we need to look at other options. 

We have now heard about a 3 year old but I am really struggling to get my head around a toddler after a few months thinking we were going to be matched with a baby. If we had heard about the toddler first it would have been fine but now I'm not sure if I really want to wait for a younger child or whether I just got excited about having a baby and need to change my mindset back to what we originally said which I was happy with at the time? Confused... Any advice about coping with lost links and getting over them??


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

What a difficult situation. I can only imagine how disappointed you are feeling at the moment.

We thought we'd lost our daughter's brother earlier this year, who we'd been expecting to have for a long time. It was incredibly difficult, and we just took one day at a time. We since found out we are getting him, but a lot older than expected, which has been a difficult readjustment for me. I'd always planned that my second child would be a young baby, whether it was Wyxling's sibling or another. In the end I decided that having the sibling won out over my desire to be matched with a younger baby. He will be a baby anyway when we're due to meet him, but I know our LA has a lot younger babies waiting, and we'd expected to have him around 5 months at one point, so accepting we are losing out on most of the baby stage has been hard.

I don't really know what to suggest, other than wait for what you truly want. If this near match has made you realise you really do want a baby, I would strongly advise waiting for one. It's unlikely you'll wait that long now, there are a lot of younger babies coming through and a big shortage of adopters. Perhaps it may be worth speaking with your SW and discussing your options with her. If you are six or twelve months down the line with no more news you could reassess at that point and there will always be plenty of children who are three years old needing parents. You may also find a little time helps you to come to terms with not getting the baby you thought you would.

If what you really feel about this toddler is disappointment that it is not a younger child, then I think that will be exacerbated when you bring them home, and that is a bad place from which to start trying to build a relationship with your child. Whatever Social Workers may tell you about adopted children being emotionally immature and many toddlers are just like babies, don't buy it. A emotionally delayed toddler is most definitely _not_ the same as having a baby, even if they often display similar reactions and behaviours.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Wyxie xx


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

I was in a similar situation to you last year. We had a few failed links due to competitive matching and I had initially been keen on siblings where eldest was about 3.5/4yrs with a baby sibling or possible baby coming through. There weren't a lot if sibs coming through our Area and we were encouraged to think about toddler on own. 
After discussion (and the possibility that with one child you might find you can't adopt another later on due yo their needs we asked our SW to give us 6-9 months waiting for a younger child (under 18months by time they are placed). That ruled out a few who were approx 13-15months but no court order.

This wait was tough! We were near the end of the time frame and had nothing from our SW so we started profiling ourselves and even went to an exchange day - there we found our little man who was the right age but with a lot of Qs to be asked. It worked out for us but I know its hard (like Wxyie) when you know if Los bring placed under 6months.

I believe the right child finds you in the end and is well worth the wait. We've had lots and lots of firsts and little guy is very much needs babied so I feel we were right in holding out. 

I agree with Wxyie though that the early days can be tough so you need to know you made the right choice in case the next step doesn't happen ie younger sibling or adopt again (if that is your stance). 

Good luck x


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## ferness (Jan 12, 2011)

Thanks so much for your replies. It is helpful to know others have been through similar and come out the other side (but wish none of us had to go through it!). 

Wyxie - I think you may have said what I am honestly feeling inside but I am going to give it a bit more time to see if my feelings settle as the lost link is still quite raw. Another thing that's difficult is that we were getting mentally and practically prepared for a child moving in soon (at one point they were worried about a post panel holiday we had booked as thought he would be moving in by Easter!) so I have totally disengaged from work in anticipation of starting adoption leave soon and the thought of being there for months more is horrible. I'd also been spending time with local friends who have recently had babies and had a ready made network there, whereas we don't know so many locally with toddlers so I'd feel a bit more alone. is it feasible to meet baby mums for play dates if you're the only one with a toddler running around!?

Obviously I fully understand that this is not all about what we 'want' but I'm also aware that the worst thing for a child would be to go into a placement where the adoptive parents may have doubts or regrets - that's no good for anyone. 

Thank you both for sharing xx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Ferness    What a hard situation to be in.  Have sw's told you to walk away from the baby or have you decided you can't wait any longer? 

In your situation I would be completely honest with your sw and just say that you do not feel a connection with 3yr old    And ask for time to grieve.  You need that time to be yourself and lick your wounds, expecting a baby and losing it is tough, whether they have grown inside you or not.  I have been where you are and can feel your pain. 
Give yourself a few months break and when you're feeling ready you can really think about what children you can parent.


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## snapdragon (Jun 27, 2011)

I had a similar situation though my age range is older 3-5 We had two links with 3 year olds that didn't work out and we were than approached about a 5 year old. We never looked at the profile as we decided we wanted a younger child and were matched shortly after with a22 month old, so younger than our initial age range. From what you say I would be inclined to wait. There are a lot of younger children coming through. We just had this feeling of disappointment when a 5 year old was mentioned.


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Ferness

I just wanted to express my heartfelt sympathies for losing a link, that must have been awful. We thought we were going to lose our link a few weeks ago before it was all made official that we were the couple they wanted, and it was agony. I can honestly say it was the worst weekend of my life. We heard on the Friday night as we finished work that there was another couple being considered for our LO and had to wait until Monday eve to find out the outcome. It was the longest, most emotional weekend and I felt utterly distraught because they had never said they were doing competitive matching and we had already waited 3 weeks to be told anything from the day we saw LO's profile even though they had approached us initially - longest 3 weeks of my life. On the Saturday night of that weekend I cried my heart out, I was a distraught, sobbing, snotty wreck.

Yes, we got a 'happy ending' and go to panel next month, but I will never forget the pain I felt thinking we were losing the link. I had set my heart on it. I just wanted to share that so that you don't feel so alone, but I know that so many others on here will help you too.

In terms of whether you go for a toddler having thought you were getting a baby, I guess the thing to go with is your gut instinct. I will explain and you will probably laugh at me....

DH and I were convinced we were getting a boy. We had wanted a boy first since we got married. So convinced were we that we (don't tell my SW) decorated the nursery for a boy. Just one feature wall of boys wallpaper, thankfully....and a few...ok a fair few...other very blue items.  After waiting for four months and seeing a couple of profiles that weren't right (again with the gut instinct) our SW rings and tells us of a very possible match. Just one thing......it's a girl.     It threw me utterly but we wanted to see her profile and I had a very funny feeling. As soon as I saw her photograph I knew. I know that sounds weird - how can you 'know'....but we did. Hence the whole nearly losing the link sent me crazy.

So my point in that story is that it isn't necessarily the sex or the age but the child themselves. Because when we saw her little face we just knew. I'm one of those people who believes that there is a 'right' person for people when they settle down....might take some of us a while to find that person, might even mean marrying someone else first, but I've seen countless couples who are so right that it was meant to be. They fit, they work, they connect - they are perfect for each other. My own marriage is one of those and I am enormously blessed to have found my perfect match in DH. I'm definitely not perfect and nor us he but we're perfect for each other. So I'm thinking, and I could be wrong, that you'll see a profile and you'll know. Nor everyone does, I appreciate that, but I think all of the adopters I know in real life (around 4-5 couples) and ourselves did get that feeling when we saw the right match.

I just wanted to encourage you really to go with your heart. There was one little boy I was quite smitten with, but I knew he wasn't for us and I knew in going ahead I'd be depriving him of his perfect match. He was so beautiful, but I didn't feel for any of the profiles we viewed (we did an open day too) the way I did about our LO. It's a funny thing but it wasn't about age or sex, it was just about her and knowing she was for us.

I hope in my own rambling way I've helped a bit, but I'd say again, go with your gut and don't go forward if you are uncertain. With the right child you won't be phased, you'll just want to do it (although I won't deny moments of utter panic at times!  )

LilyElf x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

LilyElf said:


> I hope in my own rambling way I've helped a bit, but I'd say again, go with your gut and don't go forward if you are uncertain. With the right child you won't be phased, you'll just want to do it (although I won't deny moments of utter panic at times!  )


Ditto!!! I'd only seen profiles on BMP before, non of which gave me the feeling I got when we saw our first potential match from SW, but when I saw Bluebird my emotional response was something I hadn't been expecting at all and we both really felt the connection. I know it was only a picture (add to that the profile), and I'd not wanted to go as young as 2 originally, plus we were approved for sibs and he's a one and only... But it was right. I hope this feeling lasts after placement!


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## ferness (Jan 12, 2011)

Thanks so much for your support. I thought I was being stupid and overreacting but you have reassured me that it is ok to be upset when you have emotionally invested in a child you thought was a match. I feel like I should be more careful (if it's possible!) about getting attached if we get another link, but then I think you have to begin building that connection as part of the process. 

Wynnster - we haven't been told to walk away but it's already 3 months since we were told and to wait another 3 when the outcome is very uncertain feels too much of a gamble and our SW agrees. If we decide to wait for a younger child and no other links emerge then it could yet happen I suppose, but we feel we must explore other options. 

Thanks for sharing your story LilyElf - so glad there was a happy ending!


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think it's really good when people can see something in a potential link and feel that really is their child.

I am going to throw in for the other camp.  I did not, and still don't, feel like I could know it's the right child from the paperwork.  For me it was a question of potential problems and positives, and how they balanced out, against what I feel I would willingly take on.  There were some potential problems we were willing to take on, and there are always a lot of unknowns with a young child, but as far as we were concerned the less the better and we had set hard limits which we weren't prepared to budge on.  Wyxling, on the information we were given, ticked the right boxes and didn't tick too many of the wrong ones.  In fact almost none of the wrong ones.  The photo didn't jump out at me in any way, she had a great concentrating face, which I liked, but other than that she didn't really jump out at me, but then I didn't expect that from a child.  I guess I don't focus on how people look generally.  She sounded like a lovely baby, but nothing leaped out at me and said "yes, mine".

Somewhat ironically, it turned out we hadn't got anything like the full information about Wyxling.  If we had known about all the problems we would almost certainly have said no.  Our daughter had significantly more problems prior to placement than we would have wished for, and a difficult placement only made it worse.  While I certainly never expected things to be straightforward, I wasn't prepared for the reality either.  But, as soon as we met her there was just something about her that completely captivated me and that was that, she was our daughter for better or worse, and despite the problems she brings, she really is the right child for me.  Underneath all the hurt and scared is a little girl whose personality is very different to mine, and yet very good for me. 

She also looks nothing like the photos we'd been shown which, in retrospect, were uninspiring, and they didn't come close to capturing either how she really looks - cute as a button and very, very cheeky - or what a wonderful little person she is with a beautiful smile.  In fact I do not have a single photo of her prior to her placement of us where she is smiling, and I'm sure she did, they were just dreadful photos.  

With our second match things are a little different, because he is Wyxling's biological sibling.  I have a strong feeling that this is the right child for us, even though he is a baby with a lot of unknowns, and probably right on the very edge of what we are willing to consider taking on.  His potential problems are very different from Wyxling's, and may not materialise, but if they do we will cope, and I don't think that makes him wrong for us.  I also felt a very strong draw when I saw a photo, but that is largely because he looks so much like Wyxling.

Just a different perspective, I guess.


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Like in all walks of life, everyone is so different.  We are all searching for different things for different reasons I guess.  There simply isn't a one size fits all and that is coming through loud and clear from what is written daily on this most lovely forum!


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## Dreams do come true (Jan 4, 2012)

Hi hun

Sorry about typos...cant type on an ipad very well lol

We went through something similar, however our link worked out jn the end.

We had been approved for up to 2 age 0-4, and I had prepared myself for a 1-2 yr old. We were ahown several profiles but one really stood out...a 4 mth oldl and an an 18 mth oldnsibling we knew they had to be ours, it took 3 months to get the link confirmed and 6 months later they are asleep upstairs and so worth the wait!!!

Anyway to cut a long story short we continued to see profiles early on in case it didnt work out, a few profiles later (all children ahed 1-2) I still could not stop thinking about 'our children' and I felt others deserved more than to be second best to us so ee said no more until we knew what was happening with the link.

2 months in our social worker advised that we shouldnt just wait for these children and we should continue our search so we did...we went to an exchange day and it was the best thing for us as ot gave us hope.

Our heart was set on a younge child or a baby and a toddler with no known issues (changed because of thenprofile we had our hearts set on!)....and although at the exchange day they were family finding for harder to place children we were told about several babies and requested several cprs after the event...as they came through our link was confirmed.

I guess what I am trying to say...is hold out for the age range you have your heart set on, it may take longer but your baby is out there, I firmly believe that our match has worked out because our hearts were in it as well as our heads. If you have a longing for a baby then wait...

Good luck x x


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