# Do any single ladies feel grief at opting to go it alone?



## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Just wondering... because I sometimes feel like this.

I am 37 and haven't had a serious relationship for over 10 years - nothing has lasted more than 2 months. I am planning on starting ttc in July with a coparent. I'm excited about my plans but I never dreamt I'd conceive my first child via a turkey baster 

I have given up meeting Mr Right anytime soon. I have been let down by a number of guys the last few years and I just can't wait anymore.  I am now at the stage I don't even want to date anyone now bc I fear they will only distract me from my plans! Meeting a guy, falling in love and having a child in the next year or so (bc I wouldn't want to wait any longer) seems almost impossible now. However I'm not ruling out meeting Mr Right in the future.

Sometimes - like today - I feel sad that my life has come to this.






Do any other single girls ever feel this way?


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## Me Myself and I (Dec 30, 2012)

I can certainly relate to the sentiment of your posting. Unlike you, I could not go the coparent route either - for me that has all sorts of other issues I wouldn't wish to deal with.

I hang on to the hope that if (big if) I am lucky enough to conceive via donor sperm, that I shall focus on our life together and should I happen to meet Mr Right For Us at some point then it shall be them having to fit around our life. Maybe the wrong attitude, but for me I have concluded that this is now my focus.

Can I ask as to why you have decided to go down the coparent route? Have you had any tests done, so you know where you stand fertility wise? Also, how do you know (pure curiosity) that he does not nor could catch any STIs during this time?


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## futuresbright (Apr 21, 2013)

Hiya 

no your not on your own feeling like this. Im single and will be starting IVF soon using donor sperm.
Like you and prob so many other people this is not how i ever saw my life pan out. I always thought life would go just as i wanted but my life has been anything but smooth   i always thought i would be married and have plenty of kids but got to be in my thirties and their is no sign of either!! 
ive decided i dont need a man to make me happy and i know i can provide a happy and secure home for any child/children i may have.
Just remember you are not on your own on here and we may not be able to provide physical help but we can be here for you emtionally.


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## alexine (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi I'm single with a 2 year old. I also felt somewhat sad and disappointed that I was having a child without a partner but I can honestly say with my hand in my heart, I'm so so glad I didn't have a child with the wrong man. I know people who have and it's a living nightmare for everyone... especially the child. 
Go for it whilst you are still young and have faith that you will meet "Mr Right for Us"...I like that... and will also remind myslef of the same.  
   
xxA


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## Rosie Ribbons (Sep 10, 2010)

Hi

I never seem to find the right man,all my friends were getting engaged and married,i wanted my career and children.although young I started to see that a lot of my friends relationships were starting to fall apart and for most there were children  involved,even my own brother married now divorced and 2 beautiful boys but the mess it all brought with it.i did start a relationship but I knew deep down it wouldn't work we split up and I found out I was pregnant and then I miscarried   it was then at the tender age of 25 I decided I wanted a family of my own didn't want the man and its complications so hence my journey to egg/share and donor sperm and girls the best thing I have ever done and the joy my baby boy has brought me is unbelievable and im now trying for a sibling.

I work hard and have a great mam and family who have been there when iv needed them,i havnt gone off men and hope that one day I might meet my prince charming but until or if that happens im the happest I could ever imagined.Our fertile window is so short I wasn't prepared to miss it waiting for a man to come into my life,life is to short to wait my lovelies 

juicy xx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Heidi - I feel exactly the same. I have also been single for years, and have given up on the idea of meeting Mr Right, or even just anyone at this point!
I am more than happy to have a child alone and have always thought myself to be strong and independent. But after going through 2 miscarriages and experiencing true loneliness, for the first time I am - begrudgingly - beginning to wish that I did have someone to go through this with.

I don't know if it's because I am feeling so very depressed and low at the moment, or if I really do wish I was in a relationship but I am finding being alone in the very tough right now. But even feeling this way, I still know that I want, more than anything, to have a child - be it alone, or with someone. And I accepted a long time ago that the latter just isn't going to happen!

S xx


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Sorry to hear your sad news - I'm sure you would still feel low and depressed even if you weren't single. I hope things pick up for you soon xx


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

It is nice to hear I am not alone with this! I too am happy with my plans but do sometimes feel like a 'failure' due to still being single. I think the fact my closest friend is due to get engaged any day now and that another potential relationship has disintegrated in front of my eyes isn't helping me ATM . I was seeing a guy about 2 years ago that I was really keen on but he just strung me along and broke my heart so I cut contact with him about 6 months ago and started my search fir a co-parent.

I love the idea of meeting a' Mr Right for us'. So cute!

Me, myself and I - I chose the co patenting route mainly bc I want my child to know their dad, plus I could really do with the financial and practical help. I suppose there is a lit of trust involved with such an arrangement and that goes for him checking for STIs as required but he is single and v moralistic so I am not too worried - but I have told him ge needs to get checked and show me the results before we start. Saying all this I'm only giving him 6 months to get me pregnant (he doesn't know this!) before I move onto plan B which will involve using a donor.


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## Helena123 (Jun 11, 2011)

I think when you embark on a co-parent arrangement then it is so important that both of you are upfront and completely honest right from the outset. It is not nice to lay down conditions that he is unaware of, ie he has 6 months to get you pregnant and if not, you will seek alternate arrangements. If he were just a donor, then fair enough, but so wrong in my opinion. A co-parent is so much more than that and should be treated with a lot more respect. Start as you mean to go on - discuss how far you are both willing to go in your arrangement with one another...otherwise, I ungortunately predict this arrangement is doomed to fail.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

Yes you are right. I suppose I didn't want to put any pressure or stress on him but it's best to be honest. We are meeting next week to discuss the nitty gritty details so I will mention it to him then.


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## LemonSponge (Jan 22, 2013)

Hang in there, it works both ways. I had a 13 year relationship from the age of 20. To outsiders i must have seemed like i "had it made" from very early on, but after getting my degree, a career and saving for a house...you can see what's coming...yes we split this year at the age of 34. I can't imagine i will meet someone else in time as i'm nowhere near ready to date again and adoption has always been something i am keen on, so i've decided to go it alone. I like the saying, "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". Sometimes you have to go with what is meant to be.


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

I think for me it was be a case of Life is what passes you by when you think things will just turn out right. I was in a relationship from 18-24 and I honestly thought he was the love of my life and we would do it all. When we split up I couldn't imagine being with anyone else - and I was right - I haven't! After I realised I had to move on, I thought that I would just meet someone. Being 18 and meeting someone is so much easier than being in your mid 20s and meeting someone, and as for being in your 30s - Ha!

I have a friend helping me by being a donor, I had 3 goes at IUI with an imported donor, then my friend offered to help and as much as I am grateful I can't help wishing that we were doing it for real together, not that I want him exactly, but someone else going through it with me. He takes an interest and asks how I am etc, but when I miscarried I think I wanted him to be there more than he was. And now that we are trying again, he isn't as invested as I am and the effort it is taking to get him where I need him at the time I need him is more difficult this time round. I have to keep reminding myself that this means everything to me and to him he is just donating.

I do wish things had turned out differently, I wish I wasn't doing this alone, but I am.

Plans never seem to work out the way I'd hoped!

S xx


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## aimless1 (Aug 14, 2010)

Hello
Just wanted to say that I think many of us have a grieving process when going it alone.  For me I just kept reminding myself that becoming a mother was the most important things and that overrode the grief.
I have my baby now and I still sometimes feel really sad (and lonely) that I am not with someone and I can get quite upset at the loss of the ideal of a traditional family.  However then I look at my son and its all worth it. I also remind myself about all the cr*p relationships out there (and about my own past relationship disasters)  and then I feel grateful to be where I am.
SMC81 - I had the same feelings round my known donor -  it's really hard to have someone being a known donor but not be invested as much. I didn't (and don't) want to be with him but I did find myself being a bit wistful and wishing things were different and it was a true partnership. 
A x


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

I hear ya! Rght now, everyone is getting engaged and married around me and I'm just....here. Planning my family which is amazing, but I still feel that pang of guilt. I don't think I'm ever going to be over my ex - we are still good friends and I still have a lot of feeling for him, but we wanted different things and there was a huge, huge roadblock in the way of us being together so there was no future. 

I hope we all meet the right man in the future! In the meantime, we have to be happy with what we have and be grateful that we aren't having children with the wrong men


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Heidi and everyone

yes, I also feel grief for the 'could have beens', my last relationship ended in 2011 10 days after I turned 34 I got this email from him saying 'I can't give you what you want right now', ironic really as I never told him I wanted/needed him to father a child with me and when, but he still picked up on it somehow.
Even more ironically, I'd already begun looking into donor/co-parent options by then as I didn't want to put any pressure on him or our fledgeling relationship!

Since then, I've had tons of dates and ttc with 3 different co-parents but nothing turned into anything stable, possibly also to do with the fact that I am too worried about getting hurt again.
Really I should have married my university sweetheart, who I split with after nearly 4 years aged 27, as a doctor had told me to have a family before 30 because of my PCOS. My BF was too young at the time.
Irony strikes again: he's now married, I am not, and I still don't have a baby either!

On a positive note: I have a lot of love in my life right now, especially through my tx, OHSS and miscarriage I've experienced so much support from friends and my family, and the two people I slept with over the past year (without ttc) have been very good friends who are still in my life and love me for who I am.

I also met a guy on a work trip when I was very newly pregnant, who told me straight-out last night that he'd like to be my boyfriend, but sadly he lives in America!

So I've not totally given up hope for a future as part of a happy couple, although I don't see myself getting serious or married anytime soon and I have my 3 ice babies. 

Tbh it worries me a little that any new relationship could make me wobble about my next steps (FET), as I long to be a mummy sooner rather than later, so in some ways I am putting the blinkers on where new men are concerned.
I keep meeting people but I am definitely taking things slowly and not rushing into some mad romance. Not sure if that is counterproductive or not - friends of mine have met serious boyfriends since I've been single so I wonder if I am subconsciously sabotaging new relationships out of fear of wasting yet more time.
I don't want to 'force' someone to have a child with me although that might be the most natural process.

By the way, I am having therapy/counselling about this issue, but going forward with treatment alone has been a much more positive experience (despite the horrendous side effects) than feeling stuck in the wrong kind of relationship!
I am sure many of you will agree.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

It's good to read all the replies. Sometimes I feel like the only girl left on the shelf!

TBH I don't want a boyfriend - not now. I couldn't have a happy healthy relationship ATM bc I'd always be thinking about my ticking clock and worrying about wasting time - a relationship would be unlikely to survive my anxiety and pressure - I'd feel a nervous wreck! My main focus is having my baby and then all the pressure will be off and I can relax 

If I met a guy now I'd have to put off my plans ttc for a while to see if the relationship develops and I don't have the luxury of time. My biggest fear is dating someone for a while and then getting dumped aged 38 or 39 and being in a totally worse state than now!!

As far as I'm concerned my love and sex life has been put on hold.


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## notamuggle (Jan 15, 2013)

I'm quiet happy on my own but every now and then I'd love to have someone to share things with. 

Last year I went on a holiday with 3 friends and they spent almost the entire time talking about their other halves and I just kept thinking why doesn't anyone want to be with me! And when they all got picked up from the airport by their fellas I had to play gooseberry and get a lift back with one of them. 

I'm really not good at Internet dating, it all just seems so false but last year I gave it a really good try and only got interest from men 20 years older than me!

I wonder whether I'm just too fussy but I'd rather be single than with the wrong man. so many people I know have been in horrible relationships and had to go through traumatic break ups and a number of the kids have been left with fathers who no longer see them 

Last year I moved from my one bedroom flat to a lovely little two bedroom house with a garden, perfect for a little family but still not sure what was going to happen in the future. 

When I found out about IUI as a option in January this year everything seemed to click into place. I felt like I'd been in limbo before just waiting for something to happen but now I feel in control of my future. 

I know the road ahead is unlikely to be smooth but I have plenty of friends and family for support and this forum is just amazing 

I feel the opposite of grief, I feel like my life is just beginning

I still hope I'll meet someone one day but it'll be when it's suits me (and hopefully my family  and not because I'm in a rush to meet someone just to start a family with them 

Xxx


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## LemonSponge (Jan 22, 2013)

One thing that annoys me is that i cannot get in the frame of mind of enjoying being single, because of the worries and pressure of starting a family alone. I'd been in a relationship since the age of 20, so you would think at 34 i could relish the opportunity to just be me and do as i please. It doesn't work out like that though, so i'm left feeling like i don't have time to "waste" on a new relationship or just have fun dating because everything as to be done "Now" (at least in my own mind, anyway).


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi LemonSponge - I feel like that exactly, but I still make myself go on dates and just enjoy the company and attention 
You might feel better once things move along with your adoption application, it will free up your head to concentrate on the developing friendship/s whilst your ball has started rolling towards becoming a mummy xx


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## BroodyChick (Nov 30, 2009)

Hi Ladies
in a way, it can also be seen as a positive thing that we know where we stand right from the start of our pregnancies/adoptions, i.e. no nasty surprises where relationships are concerned.
Another friend of mine just announced her pregnancy, and her partner left her as soon as she found out, and won't even discuss the baby. So she's not spent time (like we have) considering being a single mum before her pregnancy, but that's just the way it's turning out for her now. I've had issues with my co-parent (see 'relationships' thread) but at least he really wants to be a dad and shows an interest in me and the baby we might have as well as willingness to continue his support.

In my circle of friends, it is now more than half of all babies who have unmarried parents, and a few single mums too. So perhaps our situation isn't that unusual, and I must remind myself not to constantly over-think everything and possibly miss my 'window'!

Reading 'Beyond Childlessness' has opened my eyes a bit to just how much I like my life as it is a lot of the time, and if I leave it too long to have a baby I may just be unwilling to make the adjustments, especially without a partner's support. Does anyone else feel that way?x


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## moononthetides (Feb 20, 2013)

No, not now. Initially I did and am pleased I have been able to 'grieve' the life I thought I would have. I am now very much focused on the positives: my child will have my undivided love and attention, will not ever have to deal with a step-parent or stepbrothers/sisters, will be the focus of all my love and energy. The only real downside I can think of is money but I am better off than many couples with both working.

I also get to choose a name myself!  

I firmly believe that we will be just fine. x


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

I used to feel that way. I accepted that I wasn't going to settle down and have the family I had always believed I would one day I have. I could see all the positives, as a strong independent woman I was always more than happy to do all this alone.
Now, after 2 mc, spending a small fortune, and being let down by my donor and so called friend I'm bow seeing that maybe not even my 'back up plan' that actually I preferred to plan a, is now not going to work out.

After waiting 6 months after mc 1, a friend offered to help. He was enthusiastic and very happy to help and for once I felt some hope, maybe my luck had changed and for once things might go my way. Rhenish I got BFP first try with him and I was over the moon, a real change in luck, karma for doing everything the right, sensible way. Then I had mc 2. I decided to ttc ASAP, did AI last week after pos opk. Donor was not as helpful but still delivered the goods eventually. Then I discovered yesterday I'd had a false pos opk and actually got a real pos yesterday, checked again today and pos again. Can't get hold of donor, totally ignoring me. Clearly he's changed his mind, hope has gone. I don't have enough money to buy more vials and pay for IUI and everything is against me. 

I'm still grieving 2 lost babies. Now I feel I have to grieve my lost future. 
Maybe I'm not meant to be a mum. The more I try, the more determined I am, the less that things go right.
I'm exhausted emotionally, getting outbox bed each mornin is becoming more and more of a struggle. And I am so lonely that I don't know if I want to do this alone anymore.
More than anything, I hate feeling this way. I was looking forward to being a single mum. Not I don't see any future.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

((((hugs ))) to you SMC.


You sound like you have had a rough time but you are still young and have time to meet someone. Have you considered giving yourself a break from TTC for a bit - perhaps a year or so to not only heal emotionally but to also give yourself a chance to meet someone??

I am 37.5 and I feel my chances to meet a partner  to  have a baby are over. I'm not prepared to date someone for a year or two before starting to TTC bc I'll be 39 or 40 by then! I can hardly meet someone and start trying within a few months! If I met someone now I'd be v tempted to trick them into getting me pregnant and that's not something I agree with!! But at 31 SMC you have a few good years to play with. I think the only time I'd be happy to start dating again would be after I'd tried all the other options and they'd failed!

My plan is as follows...going to start ttc with a coparent in July. If that is unsuccessful I'll try 3 rounds of IUI and if that doesn't work then 2 rounds of IVF. I'd give up after that mainly due to a lack of funds but also bc I don't want to keep on going forever.

It is only the last 6 months that I'd have become anti-relationship - this is in response to my increasing anxiety about my ticking clock ESP as during this time my periods have become more frequent which I know can be a sign of being peri-menopausal ((( I am freaking out.


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

I have  been thinking about a break but to be honest I took a 6 month break after mc 1 and all I could think about was getting back to it. And I would jut see another break as a waste of time. I'm 32 next wk and my pcos makes time a little shorter. I want to be a mum now and I know it'll only get harder as I get older.
I'm so messed up, it's just set back after set back.

There is someone on the scene, he knows my situation but is a few years younger than me and says we couldn't have a future right now as he doesn't feel ready for a family yet and he knows I want it so much. I like him a lot but don't mind sacrificing being with him to ttc. If I were to stop then I would have sacrificed it for nothing.
I just don't see a happy ending to any of this.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

What do you mean? Do you feel that you have to choose between ttc and him? That's a tough choice.

One of my exes who I'm v fond off tried recently to get in touch with me but he's 7 years younger and says he's not ready to settle down and is "too young" for babies. I COULD date him for a few years and hope he'd be ready to ttc in a few years but I'm not prepared to risk it. I'd never forgive myself if I wasted the last of my fertile years on him eg if the relationship didn't work out years down the line or it lasted but I couldn't be pregnant years down the line due to my age. It is hard bc I have strong feelings for him and I feel like I'm missing out on having a boyfriend but having a baby is my no 1 priority right now.

I feel your pain. Do you have a counsellor you could speak to? You sound v down xx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

That's exactly my situation with this guy. Same age difference and he's jut not ready for kids yet.
If I want to give it a go with him I have to put off starting a family but like you would put getting pregnant before being with him. Having my friend be my donor meant it was so much more likely to happen, my savings are almost all gone so it was the ideal solution. I didn't foresee him behaving like this, I thought he understood how important it was to me. Because we work together we agreed that no one should know so in have nobody to talk to about it.

I'm very down and once again feel like all hope is gone. I have the number for a counsellor I just haven't called yet. I find it so hard talking about it all I suppose I'm just putting it off.


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## Heidi33 (Apr 2, 2013)

SMC - hope is NEVER gone! 
Your co-parent sounds v flakey. Ask yourself - is that the type of man you want to be the father of your child? My coparent us great - steady and reliable and this the type you need bc remember - he is going to be massively important to any future children. Everything happens for a reason - maybe there us someone much better out there for the job - have you tried coparent.net or coparentmatch.com? That's where I met my CP and there are some genuine guys on both.

Call the counsellor! You need someone neutral to talk to, it will only do you good.

Xx

/links


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thank you Heidi, I know you're right, I do need to call the counsellor. I'll ring on Tuesday.

My friend and I agreed that he would just be a donor. I didn't want him to have any real involvement. He would see the child occasionally but have no responsibility and that suits me. Maybe after the mc he thought it was just too much trouble. I'll see him on Tuesday at work, who knows how that will go. It should have been the perfect arrangement - he didn't have to do a lot!

I'll just have to start saving again and look into a new donor. I'm being referred for recurrent mc tests as well so there's a lot to think about. Thank you so much for the advice and for listening. Xx


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks Crimson.
A lot has changed since I last posted. After an attempt ttc that I never thought would work as I thought I got my ov dates totally wrong (ov test pos, then again 7 days later) I got a bfp. Totally shocked as I had decided to have  break, apply for a new job as I has been miserable for ages but wanted to stay to get maternity, so it really surprised me.

So now I have a bfp, still went for the job as I just couldn't stay where I was, they were making it impossible, and got the job today. It will be a struggle without occupational maternity pay but I am going to save everything and just do what I can.

Funny how best laid plans never really turn out the way you wanted.
I'm still very early, cant be more than 5 weeks so praying it doesn't go the same way as the other 2 pregnancies.

It's funny, the second I decided to leave, the black cloud that had been hanging over me suddenly lifted. Don't get me wrong, still devastated about my mc but things didn't feel so hopeless. It seems my job was making me more unhappy than I thought.
I just hope that things turn out for the best this time round.

S xxx


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

Oh SMC81 I'm so pleased to hear that you got that job, and everything is working out! Just goes to show that you can't plan everything, and things often do work out for the best


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## smc81 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks polita, I am very happy even though the situation is more complicated than I would like!
I am incredibley paranoid. Today I thought I had pale pink discharge and I'm having some slight pain tonight. I was due to go to Wales for a few days tonight but due to car and traffic problems I'm planing to go tomorrow. Not sure if I should though cos of this pain - this has always been the time that I miscarry, just before 6 weeks. I'm going alone so a bit scared of miscarrying in a Strange place with no one around. I suppose I'll just have to wait til morning to see if I have any bleeding. Got a bad feeling though.

S x


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## pollita (Feb 23, 2011)

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll keep you in my thoughts and hope that it turns out to be nothing serious!


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## sohocat (Aug 11, 2009)

Oh no! I am praying for you that everything will be all right and that they are stickies!


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