# Coping strategies in between treatment cycles



## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm really struggling at the moment. I had a failed IVF cycle earlier this year with OE with my then partner. Fast forward 6 months and I'm now single and resigned to the fact that it's going to have to be a DE cycle next (in 2 years when I'm a) debt free and b) able to afford to do it with/without a partner. I'm really struggling with the fact that everybody else seems to be moving on with their lives and settling down whilst I remain in limbo. 

Whilst I'm trying to stay positive it's so hard sometimes, especially as so many things have been thrown at me this year. I think I'm depressed. No, I know I'm depressed, but I don't want to go down the antidepressant route. Starting counselling soon, which will be helpful and I know some form of exercise would be beneficial. But, my life feels so flat and devoid of fun at the moment. I just feel bitter and angry and it's not me.... I'm worried that this is it. I know that's my mood talking and not the reality, but I simply don't know what to do with myself sometimes  ... I have a really stressful job too, so it's really important I stay on top of things. I have lost my spark....

I guess I could use some words of encouragement. I also miss being in a relationship and am even starting to doubt my ability to meet somebody else because I'm in my 40's now. On a real downer today I'm afraid  ... I know I'll get through this somehow, but right now I feel like **** Trying to be grateful for what I do have (e.g. my health, a good job, my pet etc etc, supportive family (mostly) )... but then I'm confronted with a pregnant woman or young children as soon as I step out the house/go to the cafe and it makes me want to retreat back indoors. It's beyond frustrating. Life didn't used to be this hard!  ...I'm already dreading Christmas!


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## teapot73 (Jul 6, 2013)

Dear Gaia, you have had an extremely difficult year so far so it would only be natural to feel very low and angry. Sending you big virtual hugs  
I am not in the same situation but so far have had 6 failed OE IVF attempts (2 this year) and it put an enormous strain on our relationship. My Mum is undergoing chemo at the moment and I am worried sick (plus she lives in a different country and I cannot visit her this year as I am using all my annual leave for IVF), of course we talk on Skype but its not the same. One of my colleagues has just had a baby N 3 at 45 (naturally! not planned) and I struggle to see why its not possible for us. I totally understand you that despite best attempts to find positive things in life sometimes there is a limit to that and everything seems very dark. 
I hope counselling is helpful and you don't need any medication but if you decide to go down antidepressants route, please remember that they are not addictive and you might only need them for 6 months or so. I am sure you will meet someone who will love you, its just at the moment you are in a dark place where its very difficult to see any bright future.


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## angelica_wales (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi gaia

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I can assure you that you are not alone xx

You may find the Coping with Infertility board  useful

Sounds like you're having an awful time. There are no words which will make it better. I hope the counselling will help you move forward and help to find your fighting spirit again

This process is so hard without the money /relationship stresses added on...

Angelica
xx


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## Missjojo (May 25, 2014)

Oh Gaia, I'm sorry to hear you feel this low.  From what's going on for you I'm not surprised you're having a tough time with it all. I'm glad you're going to see the counsellor,  it was helpful for me. I didn't really think I was a counselling type person,  but I came away feeling better about feeling bad, that it was okay to feel that way and avoid pregnant people and isolate myself a little.  Is not a long term strategy but it is a bit of a survival strategy to protect yourself.  My counsellor did point out that isolating myself from situations and not filling that space with anything else would make me lonely and feel even worse, so I started zumba,  yoga, did a cake decorating class, print making class... You get the idea.  Maybe there is something you can fill your time with to distract yourself? And get some exercise and lovely endorphins at the same time?? It felt a bit superficial, but it did give my mind less time to race and being around others meant I had to hold the tears back! I hope you find things get a little easier day by day and you find a way to get your spark back. Take care. Xx


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies. It means a lot. I"m still struggling today (distracted marginally by a flu virus) but I just have to try and stay positive. The hardest part is not haven't an OH to weather the storm with. It's the loneliness that is the hardest to be honest...

Teapot73: I'm sorry to hear about your mum - sending you a big hug and lots of positive vibes - I hope she makes a good recovery. I know how stressful watching a loved one go through chemo is and I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. 

Still thinking about the exercise thing. Will ask my physiotherapist for a referral to the local leisure centre (a stones throw a way) - exercise on prescription I think it's called. My area are offering it to people with physical health problems, depression, anxiety and stress (with a GP/professional referral). I've got lower back pain so I think that counts. Knowing I've got to attend to get the full benefit might be all the incentive I need. Been putting it off. Am drawn towards swimming. Hopefully exercise plus counselling means no antidepressants. Want to avoid them if at all possible. Don't like this angry, sad person I've become though... It's not me...

Missjojo: Your counsellor is right. Isolation can make matters worse. Especially, if the space isn't filled with meaningful activities - I used to be such an active person - I can be again. Determined to get my spark back because I'm not going to attract positive things if I stay as I am. This year has been such a roller coaster besides IVF BFN - I've got to give myself time to heal and prepare myself for the day I will be blessed with a child/children - we must never give up!

Angelica: Thanks for the link. I thought about posting there, but I posted a similar thread recently - didn't want to come across too demanding  ...x


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm bumping this thread up because I'm really struggling today and could use some support... I'm really scared I'm heading for Depression because I'm finding it really difficult to leave the house apart from to go to work (funnily enough I don't feel as bad at work - probably because I'm distracted). But, the weekends are such a challenge. I've lost count of how many pregnant women I've seen today and each and every time I've just wanted to run (not always possible when you're in a cafe waiting for the drink you've ordered). I don't know how i'm supposed to get through this for another 2 years with nothing else to look forward to or take my mind of this. I'm sorry for the pity party - it's just that I haven't got  a lot of spare cash to do things with because I'm trying to clear my debts in preparation for trying IVF again - doing IVF in the meantime is not an option without a partner. I feel like I'm watching everybody else have the life I want and whilst things could be a hell of a lot worse I feel so lonely and trapped and don't know how to make myself feel better apart from exercise and counselling (which I'm about to start). I feel weigh down by negative emotions and I long to feel happy and excited about life again. But, I'm getting older and no closer to having the family I dream of. Two years feels a long time when every day feels the same!


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## teapot73 (Jul 6, 2013)

Hi, Gaia, I'm very sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. Do you have close friends or family whom you can talk to? I have been close to despair before and talking to family and friends, who went through IVF, helped a lot. 
I know 2 years seems like a very long time, in my case I have thought about possibility of DE in the future and it helped me not to panic about my increasing age and clock ticking away. 
I hope you start feeling better when the counselling starts


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Thanks for your reply teapot73... I'm sorry you've felt this way too - it can be a horrible and lonely place. Yes, I talk to family and friends. Unfortunately, I don't know anybody who has been through IVF in my particularly circumstances (e.g. without partner). Nothing seems to lift my mood though, even though DE is still very much an option. But, even that might not work, so then what?? Sorry to be negative... the thought of saving up all the money over 2 years only for it to fail is devastating. Then what? I have one or two friends that have had successful IVF actually. But, in their respective cases money was no object. So if one attempt failed they simply carried on to the next time - so talking to them would just make me feel resentful and bitter. Counselling is my best option really - in terms of working through my feelings. That and structuring my time until I'm in a position to try again. I guess I need a focus outside TTC - it's hard when everything I want is everywhere around me - normal family life


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Sending you a hug honey  

I'm not in your circumstances but I do know IF and it's hard. I don't think people realise how difficult it can be. It might sound daft to some people, but I daren't go to the hair dresses or get my nails done or anything like that because I know they will ask me "have you got kids...don't you like them...ooh, you're a career woman..." and I can't face those questions at the moment (I'm in the 2ww and my nerves arent the best). Yesterday doing the shopping I was surrounded by people moaning about their kids getting on their nerves because of the holidays, and how they will be glad when they are out from under their feet, and how the house is never tidy etc. It's something that effects every aspect of your life and I can completely relate to what you say.

The other year when I was waiting to start treatment I did a night class - it wasn't academically hard but it was something to get my teeth into and because I'm a bit of a geek I did a lot of extra work and it really helped me. 

Have you heard of Gateway Women - it's about finding a life that doesn't involve children, and might help until you are ready financially and emotionally to start again. My plan is to start doing some volunteering next at a local children's centre - basically to face my "fear" and also because i can't find another evening class I want to do at the moment and we do want to adopt in the future so I thought it would help our application. 

Please don't try and deal with this alone honey, I know it's hard when people don't understand, but there are people out there who do understand and can help.  


Xxxx


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Thanks Cloudy,

Yes, I've heard of Gateway Women - and downloaded the book onto my Kindle - although I've only dipped into bits of it. Part of me is a bit cautious to read it because it feels like I'm giving up on the pursuit of motherhood. Realistically I know that's not the case, just me being superstitious. Doing a course/evening class sounds like a good idea - would like to do some form of complementary therapy, but these sort of courses cost money. The other idea is a mindfulness course and some sort of exercise programme to help with relaxation and the production of endorphins - natures antidepressants. I'm a little low on motivation levels at the moment - but I will get there. To be honest my biggest struggle is loneliness - used to have a lot of friends/contacts, but the list has dwindled significantly over recent years (party by my own doing and circumstances) - my friendships used to be based on shared life experiences like most people. I'm hoping counselling in a couple of weeks is going to help refocus me although I realise it's going to take work on my part... what I need is some friends going through similar times - on FF and face to face...


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## Cloudy (Jan 26, 2012)

Have you used the FF Chat Room before - there are singles nights. Also, some ladies do meet up and arrange it on the Regions boards. 

The is also a website called Meet Up where you put your post code in and they give you a list of groups that meet up in your area: even stuff like Mindfullness groups and things.

I think you need to remember to be kind to yourself but maybe be a bit strict too - it's hard to get the motivation but if you had a deadline on your calendar, or keep a journal, it might help. I did that 100 Happy Days thing earlier this year - a lot of people do it on *******, but I just did it in a journal: it just means that you write down one thing every day that makes you happy. I also found if I was having a tough day it forced me to do something nice - even if it was a just a bath or reading my book or eating a nice cake.

Xxxx


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## HighTower (Jan 11, 2012)

Oh Gaia, I'm really sorry to read about how low you're feeling at the minute. While my circumstances are a bit different to yours, I too have become this jealous, angry person and I have cut myself off (consciously or unconsciously) from my friends with children. I don't want to be this person either. Please remember that when the dark cloud is hanging over you, you view everything through **** tinted glasses. It does pass - try and remember that. You mention all the things that you have to be grateful for - that's a really good idea. I find keeping myself busy helps - I've recently discovered I have a thing for gardening. Who knew?! Give me wellies and and a spade and I'm happy. Also, find a good self-help book that clicks with you - I found The Human Givens Approach (can't remember the authors but can double check for you if you like) helpful. It's like having a counsellor if the funds don't stretch to going to see someone (an NHS counsellor I was referred to a few years back absolutely useless but maybe she was the exception).
That's what's great about FF, you're not alone - there's plenty of us here who can relate to what you're going through. Hang in there pet!

Big hugs  
HT xo


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## gaia71 (Feb 16, 2013)

Cloudy, HighTower

Sorry for the delay in responding to your replies and your thoughtful suggestions...

My emotions are up and down. This weekend I decorated my small flat in different shades of yellow and to be honest the whole process was very therapeutic and I've done a pretty good job (with a bit of help)  . Yellow is such a happy colour and it has certainly lifted my mood a little. Think I need to get my creative juices flowing even more  ... I've also started counselling - a feel a mixture of emotions about that too - worried about what it may bring up amongst other things. But, I'm determined to get on with my life and not put all my eggs in one basket so to speak. My biggest challenge at the moment besides IF is loneliness. I miss having a partner around and although I've got male friends (which is nice) I miss the presence of another person in the flat and a person to share my life with. Most of the time I'm fine but sometimes the feelings take me by surprise - Christmas looming on the horizon doesn't help. Need to think of an escape plan I think 

Human Givens sounds interesting HightTower. I've heard of it but never looked into it. Is it a style of therapy or something? I read a lot of self-help books actually and some more helpful than others. I'm sorry about your experience with your counsellor. Some are better than others in my experience and I guess it also depends on the style of counselling they use. Personally I have not found CBT particularly helpful despite the evidence base. It can be beneficial for some people though. I find it useful to have SMART goals to help me to feel that I'm being proactive towards working towards my goals. My current goal is to be debt free by 2016 so that I have more available funds for DE IVF etc... even if it does mean living frugally and thank goodness I enjoy my job  .

Thanks for your support


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## deedee_spark (Aug 6, 2014)

Hi there,

I'm so sorry for your situation. Life seems like an endless struggle sometimes.
I was recommended the _chimp paradox_ at a fertility support group. It's worked really well - I'm now 3/4 of the way through.
In August I had a complete and utter breakdown over not being able to conceive. My mum was so worried about me she called my husband and told him not to leave me alone (my younger brother had just announced his wife was pregnant and various other things happened). I joined this and started asking for help.

Thanks to the book, I have made plans and importantly devised coping mechanisms to deal with pregnant people and left field events. I no longer feel everything is about babies (well almost). I took control of my diet and my life.

It's calmed me down more than any counselling I have had. Have a look at some of the reviews.

Good luck to you. xx


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