# Struggling!



## MummyElf

I'm not having an easy time of it right now, so sorry for the 'me' post.

My LOs are 16 months and 5 months and it is HARD. Little man (5 months) came home a week ago after a short contact period; so he's basically only known us for 2 weeks. He is a grumpy baby and I'm struggling. His FCs said he was quite grumpy and had a temper. I largely put this down to the fact they didn't get him into a routine and he only got 30 mins nap time a day. I've sorted this so he now has 3 hours broken into chunks which really works for him. His foster home was a crazily busy, loud, noisy one and there were always loads of people in the house; my guess is whenever he cried or whined a bit, someone scooped him up. So I now have a baby who can only manage a few minutes not being held (in his bouncy chair or jumperoo) before he starts to whine, then cry, then if you're not picking him up within 10 seconds, screaming and screaming. The second you pick him up he stops. I appreciate he is in a new home with new people, albeit we're bonding really well, but I'm really finding the constant demands for attention hard as this is all my 16 month old does too.

My 16 month old is a very happy child in general, easily pleased and the kind of toddler you're happy to take to the shops as she is perfectly happy to people watch. On the flip side she's a strong character and has hit 'toddler' full swing. The changes in her life cannot be underestimated, this I know, and I'm doing my best to give both kids attention and also do mundane things like washing which must be done, but she is tantrumming over every little thing. We're playing and having fun one minute, the next she's tantrumming. This started BEFORE her sibling entered the picture, but has naturally got much worse. 

I'm finding my temper is getting very frayed. When the SWs visit (for her or her brother -different LAs) both times she's been sneakily naughty almost knowing I won't tell her off in front of them; she hit me as hard as she could yesterday during a visit, just came up and hit me out of nowhere. She also kicked off big time during a nappy change, the SW told me to do it in front of her, she didn't mind, and LO started kicking etc. She's starting wars over stuff and it almost feels like she's trying to wind me up. All the things she has always known are no-nos she will do one after another. I distract from one, she goes to another etc etc.

I understand she's seeking control etc but it's SO hard right now. Some days I'm seriously wondering what the hell I've done when little man is screaming 'just because' and she's throwing wobblers.

On the big plus side, since last night she has started walking and I'm DELIGHTED about this. 

I suppose I'm just looking for support! I've not been the best mum these last few days and find my temper is short; whose wouldn't be with a baby screaming in their face and a toddler pushing all their buttons. I'm feeling horribly guilty having really shouted at her earlier when she persisted in doing something I asked her not to  shouting NO at me and then whacked me. This is one forum where people might understand! Places like netmums just love to condemn the mum who can't cope and they all act like they've never got cross or tired or fed up!    I admit I am not by nature a patient person but I'm bloomin' learning to be, and it makes me feel so guilty that I can't just smile sweetly and let it wash over me.


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## Mr &amp; Mrs Bubble

Dear MummyElf, 

I'm not a mum yet, but hope you don't mind me posting, I just wanted to let you know I think you sound like you're doing a smashing job, it can't be easy with so much change even when that change has been wanted and planned for. ALOT of my friends have had children close together and the behaviour your describing sounds largely interchangeable with what happens in their living rooms daily  

Siblings particularly so soon after a new arrival, will and do push the boundaries and even the most calm of toddlers often have a phase of turning into mini tantrum tornados. 
My friend has a little boy who was an angel for the first 2+ years of his life, no tantrums, then 'here comes' little sister and he spent the first 6 months pushing the boundaries like a professional mini nightmare.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't feel guilty... as a wise lady once said to me when discussing our life if adoption succeeds;
'Just because you have spent years waiting, and truly know the meaning of how magical it is to become a mother, don't think that excludes you from being able to also say how hard it is, to feel exhausted, and question your every action because that is all part of being a mother too'.


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## AoC

Very wise words from Mr and Mrs.  

I held on to a lot of guilt when my temper got frayed (and I only had one to juggle!) and it didn't help anyone.  You're human, you're doing a fantastic job in really hard circumstances, and you're tired.  It's okay, and it's going to BE okay.

I once said to my childminder that I didn't understand how she stayed so calm.  She said she only got annoyed when she was trying to do something else AS WELL AS looking after children.  When she was just doing her job it was easy.  As soon as she said this, I realised I mostly lost my temper when I was trying to make supper or clean or load the washing machine and my LO was making that hard.  Is there anything on the practical side, no matter how small, you can offload on a support network or hubby?

I know you don't have time to read, but have you read the Caroline Archer tiddlers and toddlers book?  She has some great bonding ideas for LOs - have you tried skin to skin contact for your grumpy little fella.  Has he got any underlying reason for grumpiness, maybe reflux or something like that?  Might not hurt to get a GP's input just to be sure?

Can you ask for any support from your SWer?  Do you feel your older LO is settled enough to try a couple of hours at nursery (I know there are mixed opinions on the value of this) so you can get some 1:1 with bubba?  And conversely can hubby take Bubba out in the pram on a weekend morning so you can get some 1:1 with older LO?

Just random thoughts, really.  You are doing a REALLY difficult job in very early days.  I think you're awesome, and so will your LOs.


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## snapdragon

Sounds really tough. Don't feel guilty. I've only got one and I lost it with him yesterday when he ran away from me in the park. We are only human. My lo can be very hard work. We have a lot of throwing, some hitting but much improved, resisting me changing him, cleaning teeth etc and constantly climbing onto the window cill because he knows I don't like it It can be very difficult to stay calm and I succeed at this better some days than others. When I do succeed thingsvare much better all round. I feel a lot less stressed and lo's behaviour is better. I know I would struggle with two so I think you are doing great.


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## GERTIE179

Hey huni,

First give yourself a big big pat, you're doing great!! Tots and toddlers are not easy plus you've went from two to four in such a short space of time. AoC cracked it again - it's when I try to email or text/phone that lil man doesn't give a min and its soooo frustrating but if you think that's your job then it gets easier. If need be, leave housework til later or weekend. 

Things that helped me in earlier days with my little limpet. I sorted Washings when daddy did bath and emptied it after he was sleeping (we use a drying rack in house). The next pile was left for hubby to put on before he went to work. Similar we spilt up other jobs and I aimed to do two things from my list when he napped.

I know you said before you found the clingy side hard but if you can think of sling time it may help lil man as he'll get use to your voice, smell, tone of voice but allow you to play with your little girl or go out walking.

Get out every day if not already and see people if that helps.

Can hubby finish early one night for a few weeks and let you get so e alone time or go meet a friend/go for a swim. Anything that helps as just now it can easily feel suffocating.

Also look back on your posts/diary for little pixie and remind yourself just how hard you've worked to get where you are today.

Hugs x x x


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## keemjay

life with 2 children is fine..as long as you're not trying to do anything outside of looking after them or trying to have a life lol   I used to wonder if i'd ever be able to make a phone call again!
this transition phase is going to be hard, you are ALL adjusting and theres just not enough hours or hands to make ie it easy....and you have 2 VERY young children so give yourself a pat on the back fro getting to the end of each day with 2 children who have been fed and changed and kept safe  
i would echo about a sling for bubba..get yourself to a sling meet (google for your nearest or theres a ** page called sling meet) and try on all the different types, there are such amazing ones out there. at least if he's snuggled happily up to you you'll have your hands free for DD and her needs
kj x


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## MummyElf

Thank you guys! All wonderful, empathetic and helpful comments! It's very hard to see the wood for the trees right now and any comment, however 'obvious' helps because my head is just not straight right now. We do have a sling, and I haven't been using it enough - BIG note to self. I'm also trying to remove all the unnecessary stuff and I know this will help. With pixie I tried to do it all; cooking, cleaning, getting out each day... I set myself up too much to do and would be upset when I didn't manage it all. Now I've completely re-prioritised. Just getting them up, fed, dressed etc and doing naps etc is enough! Factor in some play and if I can manage it a short walk (the getting ready takes longer than the actual walk) and that's plenty. I'm SO glad my pixie is walking now since last night - shoes are on the way and soon little walks will actually be a possibility. 

Earlier I tried to put him in the ergo carrier to take him out and push her on her smart trike. After about 20 minutes of getting us all wrapped up, I then couldn't get the ergo done up without help, and then realised I couldn't see to push the trike let alone lift her into it with him on me. He is a BIG boy - 16lbs. My daughter on the other hand is only just going into her 12-18 month clothes at 16 months old. He screams blue murder about the pram, I don't think he went out much at all. I think I might need to pop in earplugs for that occasion to be honest just to cope, he stops after 10 minutes or so by which point my blood pressure is sky high. Yesterday I took them both to the local shop thinking I had to do it alone sometime. Won't be trying that again for a while! He screamed so much that by the time I got there I could no longer recall what I needed or my own PIN number of 10 years!

Lordy! As they say - this too shall pass!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

You are not alone!  My temper can really blow on occasions, often triggered by LO but also DH not doing something right and therefore triggering worse tantrums… I wonder sometimes if I am having a little tantrum of my own.  I sometimes beat myself up about not reacting in the right way but then I have to convince myself that I'm not the only parent to get it wrong and get frazzled.  It's hard enough with one, I have great admiration for anyone taking on siblings!  

It will get better, you'll know yourself that once you establish a good routine and get more confident all of a sudden things that seemed a huge effort or really scary before get easier.  As someone else told me, it's all a phase and it will get better.

Sending you a massive hug. Try to move on from the bad bits without blaming or being too hard on yourself and look at the good times instead, the times (lots and lots of them) where you got it right. xxx


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## E3021

Just wanted to add another voice of understanding  

We took two sisters together of 18 and 6 months in placement so slightly older than your two but I can sympathise.

The first few months were a tiring blur but things are generally fab now. I too tried to run before I could walk and I am stupidly independent so wouldn't ask for help etc, I did all the weekly shops, all the cooking and all the cleaning, daft but it also gave me a sense of control - as all parents of babies / toddlers know it's very hard to control a lot of things in your life    once you have little ones!!

You are definitely not the first to lose their temper, feel out of your depth etc etc, we've all been there. I still have days like that. Just knowing that on here people understand and are brave enough to admit their own struggles helps us all get up again in the morning.

My social worker always talked about us being 'good enough' parents not perfect and although I'm the type who strives to be super mum it is helpful to know that all my children need is someone 'good enough' not little miss immaculate-saintlytempered-uberorganised etc etc.

Have a glass of wine and give yourself a big hug - you are brilliant and are doing a wonderful thing.xxx


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## MummyElf

Thank you MAK and E3021!

E3021, it's a big relief to hear things things are much better now. I don't want to wish this time away but I'm seriously looking forward to little man being a bit older. My daughter whilst tantrumming a lot is pretty amazing and comprehends most things. I've taught her sign language since she was about 13 months old to make communicating less difficult with a pre-verbal child and she signs all the time now, it's so great to have her tell me she wants more food or a drink or that she's knackered and just wants to go to bed via sign language. I am looking forward to little man hitting a point where (a) he can support his own head/body (b) screams less, communicates more. Do you have any tips? I order shopping online and am *trying* to be less house-proud although it doesn't come easy as we've got a lovely home which we spent 2 years renovating, just us two, blood, sweat and tears, before becoming parents. To 'let it go' when we worked so hard whilst working full time is tough for me. I'm also very stubborn I admit!

MAK - so glad I'm not the only one whose temper just blows at times. My daughter is very bright and she honestly does seem to deliberately antagonise. I've read so many accounts of not disciplining a child of 16 months as they 'won't understand'. Hubby tells me to be a grip and look at what's in front of me, not what a bunch of people say online. She makes a real pantomime out of yogurts now to the point I'm 'banning.' them. She partly empties them out and refuses to use a spoon, just smears them into the table and occasional eats a bit - she then asks me to help and hands me the spoon. When I take it she screams blue murder. I put it back in the pot to leave her to it and she wrenches it out saying NO and slamming it down, or hitting it out of my hand if I offer it to her. I get hit or shouted at in the process every time. I ignore / walk away and she just stares at the yoghurt. She asks my help, and the cycle repeats. She actually wants to fight about it. DH never loses his cool with her but even he got fed up this week and they locked horns over it. She eats everything else on her own just fine, but she gets weird about yoghurts. She used to happily eat them unaided with a spoon but now becomes possessive over them and deliberately draws us in to 'help' then throws a wobbler. Tonight I just took it away and said 'nope' once she started. Instead of having a huge tantrum she moved on after about 5 seconds. I'm not going there anymore for a few weeks; I'm sure it's connected to having a new brother and having to share in general (she was snatching toys from her cousin earlier) but I don't have the energy for 'yoghurt wars' right now so they're out! She'll have to have extra milk if need be, but I got so cross with her earlier and then felt horrible afterwards.


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## Stalyvegas

Hiya
Im not an adopter - but I happened upon the thread and just wanted to add another hug    I hope you dont mind.

I have 2 daughters, and when DD2 arrive I wondered what the heck I had done. DD1 was so calm and easy in every way and DD2 was like a tasmanian devil, grumpy all the time, a will of iron even as a baby - and a temper to try the patience of a saint.

The first 6 months were horrendous as I tried to balance everything, and reclaim the 'pottering about stay at home loveliness' I had before. And dont even start me on the guilt about how this was affecting DD1   
Things eventually settled and I learnt to manage 2 very different children, and although DD2's personality traits are still very present she is also a beautiful affectionate and loving child.

I suppose I just wanted to say its friggin hard & im sure you're doing a cracking job, hang in there   
Staly
xx


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## GERTIE179

Aww ME - they do know how to wind you up. That's lil mans wobbly moments (or days) where he just pushes or does naughty things that he doesn't when he's getting his 121 etc It will get better especially as you get used to juggling the two if them and they understand to share you.

Have you tried the yoghurt pouches - they're great as you can just let her sook them (I know it doesn't do much for spoon skills) but better than yoghurt wars if you feel you want her to eat yoghurt.

Ps if going out seems to be a palava then even just get into the garden and make things into a game.
Plus you might find a good mei tai sling is less bulky for putting bro in whilst in the house and let you do things with pixie that make her feel grown up or special - making crispy cakes was a hit here and just broke a ratty phase lil man was having.
X


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## Wyxie

It really is hard balancing two children who both need a great deal, and I also find I feel incredibly guilty at times, trying to balance things between them and never really being sure if I'm managing it as well as I can.  We all get cross from time to time.  It's inevitable really, especially when tired.  All we can do is our best,

I would be inclined to treat your daughter much younger at the moment.  In my opinion, 16 months really is a baby, no matter how advanced the child, and she will probably be functioning at a lower emotional age given all the turmoil she's had over the last 6 months, even if intellectually she seems very advanced.  Her whole world has been turned upside down twice now, and she won't have any understanding of why, or be able to express the confusion/hurt/rejection she will feel at a new baby suddenly being in the house.  Wyxling was very much the same and could seem to be a lot more calculating and deliberate than a child that age is really capable of being.

Re using a baby carrier.  I tried that with Bladelet when he was first placed, but sadly it didn't work well for me, because it really meant that I couldn't pick Wyxling up or cuddle her easily.  I found it practical when out and about sometimes, but in the home it just didn't work well at all.  It might be easier with smaller kids though!

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## MummyElf

Thank you staly, Gertie, wyxie - helps knowing I'm not alone!

I agree wyxie - she is still a baby. I view toddlers as sort of 20 months up. I have two babies! And being petite makes her seem even more that way.

I'm sure I'll get a balance, it's just incredibly hard right now, but I've told hubby how I'm feeling and he's being amazing. I'm SO grateful he works from home 3 days a week. It means he can help with crisis moments or make me the cups of tea I never finish  

Everyone tells you how hard adoption will be, but you cannot prepare yourself no matter how hard you try. I do feel guilty for my daughter, but I know long-term it's best, and being someone from a large family, I wouldn't want her to be an only child. 

I'm going to my parents today for some TLC x


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## E3021

Hi Mummy Elf,

I'm going to offer a random list of 'tips' - well at least share some of the things that worked for me and my two  

* We got into a routine early on of doing one to one at bath and bedtime, we alternate nightly so I am on eldest DD tonight and littlest DD tomorrow. This means they each finish their day at the centre of a parent's attention in a calm, safe way.

* I get up and get ready before I get them up then I am almost one up on them, I feel organised and ready to look after them.

* My two now nap at the same time which is when I run around lime a crazy lady doing all the house stuff and cooking to minimise the chores I have to do when they are awake.

* To begin with the baby was having an afternoon nap but the big one wasn't so I really took advantage to use the time to nurture our big one whilst baby was out of the way.

* I make massive meals and freeze portions - made 23 portions of pasta and bologneseE sauce last week    (have bought a second d freezer!) Then on busy days I just get two bags out of the freezer and they both get a home cooked, nutritious meal.

* I spent quite a bit of time to begin with just the three of us or play dates with close friends and similar aged children. We didn't start going to groups until they'd been home for about 3 months.

* that said, going to groups is quite nice for juggling two - get one occupied then spend some time with the other then swap. I rarely talk to the other mums, I'm the one on the floor engaging with my children but I don't care what people think.

* A routine is great for everyone, try and stick to what works for you by yourself even when hubby is about because then the babies know where they are - same expectations about meals, same morning routine.

* Have a packet of wipes and tissues in every room so you don't have to go far, same with nappies and changing mats. We also have three bases of toys - lounge, kitchen and upstairs. That way they can play wherever I am.

* In the early days I used a travel cot a few times as a play pen - for getting shopping g fro car to kitchen, for keeping one child away from the other etc.

* I used snacks and the TV to distract my eldest at baby's bottle time if she wasn't settled with toys.

Hope some of this helps, take each day as it comes and try to sleep!!!
Xxxx


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## katie c

sorry i can't offer any practical advice (i find one challenge enough! if i had two master Cs i think i'd go doolally   ) but i'm sure you'll crack it soon. meanwhile, have a squishy


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## Wyxie

E3021 said:


> * We got into a routine early on of doing one to one at bath and bedtime, we alternate nightly so I am on eldest DD tonight and littlest DD tomorrow. This means they each finish their day at the centre of a parent's attention in a calm, safe way.


We alternate bedtimes as well, and bathtimes were possible, although hubby often isn't home in time for bathtime and I will then do both. We find it works much better, although it can make me feel quite bad because they both want me to do their bedtime, and whichever one doesn't get me is unhappy about it, and I feel very guilty especially with Bladelet who screams for me when hubby takes him off. But, it does help. One to one time is calmer when they're not in a fight for attention, and they have relatively little contact with each other during bedtime. Each of them has one person completely devoted to them, giving them all the care and attention, for 45 minutes or so at the end of the day. It's so hard to do that normally, because if I'm changing Bladelet, I'm talking to Wyxling, if I'm in the bathroom with Wyxling, I'm managing Bladelet to keep him away from the million things he wants to pick up and throw in the bath or down the stairs, etc, if I'm doing anything with Bladelet I have a constant stream of "look Mummy, look Mummy, look Mummy" from Wyxling.

I have to say, I would go for separate nap times if you possible can and get things done, because while it's harder for you, they will both really benefit from any one to one time you can give them. I often struggled to make myself do that, because particularly with how incredibly full on Wyxling is to care for, it was just so tempting to get them to sleep together and then I could have a sit down and/or do some housework, but when I could make myself do it they were both much happier for it.

Wyxie xx


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## MummyElf

Thanks everyone.

Loads of brilliant tips E3021! I implemented the getting up first bit last week as wandering around in my pjs wasn't working; getting dressed whilst trying to amuse a baby and keep a toddler out of just about everything is tough at 7am! I've sacrifice my morning shower for an evening bath, I'll get it back one day, it's just a season.

They have their 'long nap' together between 12-2 and little elf has a couple of shorter ones at other times so pixie still gets a bit of one on one. I really need that 12-2 break, psychologically more than anything. I think I'd explode if I didn't get a tiny bit of time alone in the day to eat lunch and unwind.

We do bath time together, one each; but the alternating idea is a good one. Hubby has always done pixie's bath time as it's their time together when he's been at work all day and he's much more fun than I am as by that time of day I'm dead on my feet, so I naturally started doing little elf's.

And batch cooking is my all time lifesaver....I'm going to have to do some this week for pixie, I always cook her meals in batches and freeze them as we don't eat together at dinnertime given hubby isn't around to eat at 5pm most nights and it's too early for us anyway. Instead we try to have breakfast together.

Things will improve, I just need to lower my expectations of myself!


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## Arrows

Wow! To get your DS into a new sleep routine already and your DD walking (go her -obviously a new brother is a good motivator) is amazing! Don't short change yourself!!

One thing you said was someone mentioned not disciplining as at 16mths they don't understand. I don't know you or your kids but I swear that even at 16mths children are master manipulators and I don't see anything wrong with giving them a firm no and sticking to consistent boundaries (not saying you're not doing this already). I've never put up with my LO's 'nonsense' as I term it -when he fake cries or misbehaves to get his own way. Although we don't have no 2 yet (starting process Jan/Feb next year) we're with, or I look after, kids the same age a lot so we have a lot of jealous behaviour -similar as to how you described your DD behaving- and it's not easy. 
I like the 'own space' idea, though as we travel a lot we used a playpen rather than travel cot.

Love the sling idea, but could you go African style where the LO is tied to your back rather than front which would allow you to get on with tasks and hug/ deal with your DD? I have a bad back so not possible for me but perhaps an option?

I know it's hard but totally agree with the others that when you are just focused on being with the kids it's fine, it's when you do other things it goes crazy. My DS hates me being on the computer unless he is allowed to skype his grandparents. Unfortunately at almost 2 he knows exactly where the power button is an turns it off! He also has worked out how to access the emergency numbers and call Daddy from my mobile even though the phone is locked! Techno babies!

I really appreciate reading your thread and conversations as I've all this to come hopefully next year but it's wonderful to know that we're not alone and have such fantastic support here.


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## Poppets Mammy

Give yourself a big hug, you've got 2 very young little ones placed separately, that must be a huge adaptation for everyone involved, I think your doing great  

Don't have any words of wisdom as don't have two and Poppets not that young. Think you've had some great advice and support from those who have the experience. It will take time but I'm sure you'll all gel together and make a wonderful family.

I've only really skimmed through all the posts but one thing that jumped out at me in your original post is that you changed DD in front of the social worker which lead to a bit of a melt down and you had a fight on your hands. Do you think that might of made her feel vulnerable, it's a private thing and you know how the presence of a social worker can make them feel wobbly at the best of times. If I was you I'd politely excuse yourself for changing etc and even if they say they don't mind just say something along the lines of 'yes but my daughter might'. Just something that popped into my head while reading and thinking of your daughters point of view.

I think like the others have said she's just pushing the boundaries due to the arrival of DS, she just needs reassurance that your still there for her and not matter what she does wrong she isn't getting replaced. It's a hard time for LO's when a sibling arrives regardless of the added quirks of adoption.
We all loose our temper from time to time, at least you recognise it and strive to prevent it happening - some parents don't   everyday is a new day, reflect each night and focus on the positives then start fresh the next morning.

Your doing great, well done you and how amazing to have two wonderful itty bitty ones xx


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## MummyElf

Thank you Arrows - I showed your post to DH as I liked it so much!

Thank you PM - I also think she didn't want to be changed in front if the SW, but my SW is quite forthright and I felt a bit cornered. It was one of those times where afterwards you know you should have handled it differently. I know she's utterly fed up of SWs, so are we! We have our own, one for elf, one for pixie, the health visitor ... so many strangers traipsing through and if she's feeling as fed up with the constant in invasions as I am, which I know she is, it's no wonder.

We had a good day yesterday so that's something. My problem is I'm trying to bond with little man so need to hold him as much as I can as he's literally been passed all around 5 different women in the foster family at any time but also cuddle little pixie. I will wear a sling more, but I'm pretty smell in stature (5"2 and slim) and hauling a 16lb chunky monkey around is hard on my back. We'll work it all out, hopefully soon


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## Wyxie

MummyElf, I'm pretty small as well, although I do quite a lot of exercise and am fairly strong, but I've always been technically underweight.  I found with Bladelet, who was18lb at placement, that when I used the sling I needed to support underneath with one arm, and I only let the sling take the full weight when I needed to use both hands to do something.  From a purely physical point of view this made it much easier.  It was basically like carrying him, but then when I needed both hands I didn't need to put him down.  I would definitely invest in a good one if you plan to use it a lot, the sling/blanket style ones may look nice and natural, but they offer no support for your back, shoulders or abdomen and it's pretty easy to do yourself an injury using those.

Bladelet is 21 lb now and I can still use a carrier if I really want to as long as I don't plan to let the carrier take the weight all the time, although I don't often because Wyxling is actually the needier of the two generally when we're out and about in terms of wanting to be close to me and picked up suddenly.

I actually had more problems with one of my knees (old injury) from baby carrying, and if I'm wearing a sling or pushing the buggy I always wear a knee support.  Lifting from the floor while carrying Bladelet in the sling and Wyxling under one arm (which inevitably you have to at some point when you've got a baby not walking and a toddler who chucks a tantrum which you can't wait around for) is bloomin' hard.  Once I've got them both up I can manage to walk a ways like that, but actually getting them up off the floor (pwith a combined weight of around 55 lb now) is not good!  Two young babies is a good way to get strong fast!


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## MummyElf

Wyxie you must have arms like Popeye by now!! I've got an ergo carrier which is very good and can go on my back, hip or front. Fortunately my daughter isn't the same build as her brother but between them I think we're looking at around 40lbs....probably more by now to be honest, I'm guessing pixie's weight. Like you I spend my day carrying one or the other and by bedtime I'm exhausted! I was doing weights before they arrived and went to a class called boot camp but haven't had a chance since but I think it might be time to get the weights out again!


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## AoC

I have significantly less bingo wings since having a toddler....  ggg

I once got some very miffed looks from SWers when I flatly refused to change Bug's nappy in front of a room full of them at a mid-intros review meeting at FC's.  "No," I said, "I'm learning nappies and he's learning me, and it's not fair," and walked out.  They had to wait for us to finish and come back.    But I know what you mean about feeling cornered and hindsight.


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## rosie pie

Mummyelf - I thought I had it hard when my boys came home aged 23 months and 10 months but your age gap of 11 months is even harder. 


I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Like you i had my older LO home first and baby came 3weeks later, during which we had rushed, unsatisfactory intros with the poor little boy. this was 6 months ago and the one thing I can say is that I promise things get better over time.


I felt that I had no quality time for either of them and boy were there a lot of tears shed.......... The baby simply had to fit in as he had no choice really (I also have a birth daughter who is 11). At first he was showing me that I could meet his needs ie food, warmth, comfort but after he had been home for about a month he realised that it was me and my husband who were constant and although he had always been affectionate he really started to channel that more exclusively to us.


He also came from a very busy foster home and did not have a very rigid routine - the only way i could survive was making a routine that gave me some sanity and structure! He had never been out in his cot for a daytime sleep - I initiated that from day one and although had to endure some tears for the first few times all babies need to feel secure and comfortable is predictability in the way they are cared for. They need quality sleep to thrive as well as love, attention and food!!


My survival tips:
!) do not invite anyone to your house that you need to entertain in any way at all. Anyone who comes needs to bring you lunch and put the kettle on. they must also not be judgemental with how your children are behaving.
2) go to bed as early as you possibly can, sit down when ever you can, eat whenever you can, drink whenever you can, go to the toilet whenever you can.
3) do not ever say no to any help you are offered at all
4) do not go to play groups/soft play anywhere public really on your own as it will be so hard to manage - how will you go to the toilet/change nappies/have a drink/cope when one kicks off
5) have a focus for everyday and go to as many mum and toddler groups as you can to keep older LO entertained.
6) believe in yourself as a parent, what you and your DH have taken on is epic and don't forget that.
7) give you DH a big hug and kiss everyday even if it is over a screaming child!!!


If you ever want a chat PM me - it is only really experience that can understand having two babies let alone ones we have adopted!!


lots of love 


Rosie


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## rosie pie

I meant to add - my boys are now 28 months and 15 months (my birth daughter is 11)- they have a full sibling born 6 weeks ago - We were asked if we would take her..............................can you imagine...............................funny, the social worker who called me went silent when i asked her if she had any children!!!!!


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## Flash123

Mummy, sorry it's taken me so long to post you a hug but things have been manic... And I oly have 1! I cant offer wonderful words of wisdom like yu have had on here ( this place really is a godsend) and I can't empathise with having 2 but Iknow what's its like to have a lo from a busy, busy fc. He too was held at all times. He had no ability what so ever to sit on his own and just potter, he was unable to fall asleep unless it was in someone's arms and them he would wake if you tried to put him down. He was hyper with exhaustion, exceptionally demanding and extremely needy. I can't say he has magically changed into to a quiet, calm, peaceful little man. He is a still a worldwind, he is still demanding , he is still needy - but he's a baby. But my word, he is sooooo much better than he was and at times unrecognisable to the manic, hyper baby that turned life upside diwn 6 months ago. Routine and structure were key to him and he has thrived. Things were so tough so I can't imagine how tough they are with 2 babies. 

My best friend has 2 birth children with 11 months between them. I hope you don't mind but I chatted to her about your situation her initial response - "god bless her, for me it was hell" This was a girl who could 'give' 1 lo to her brother for a rest, other people could change the baby's nappy/feed him/cwtch him when crying and she still found it hell! Don't think you are alone and don't ever forget wat an amazing job you are doing. Now she wouldnt change a thing, then she says that year of her life was a blur - mind you, the copious amounts of wine She consumed to get her through may have a lot to do with that! 

Take care ME xxx


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## MummyElf

Rosie Pie - thank you! So reassuring to hear from someone who has done it and has survived to tell the tale! A 13 month age gap can't be much of a picnic either! It is crazy having such a small gap AND throwing adoption in to the mix! Trying to bond with one whilst the other is demanding your attention, or trying to meet the needs of the older child whilst the younger is screaming the place down....I actually question my own sanity sometimes! What has been really positive for me is I've learned to lower my expectations of myself, I've taken on something huge and if dinner isn't planned for me and DH or there are toys everywhere, life goes on. There's nothing wrong with fish finger sandwiches for dinner  

The nap thing is especially hard as he wakes up after 30-45 minutes howling and often goes down screaming too. He has never napped in his cot either until he joined us two weeks ago. Today I've put the radio in there and after 40 minutes I tried the 'sleep to wake' method by patting him gently on the back, drawing him out of deep sleep, then sneaking out leaving him to settle back ( he didn't wake, I just got him into light sleep). The idea is that he'll then sleep for a decent amount of time as he won't know where in his sleep pattern he is and I'm hoping radio 4 will relax him enough to stay asleep! Having slept in chaos until now, he cannot manage silence very well. I'll wean him off it once he's really established into his routine...I've met adults who can't sleep unless the tv is blaring and I don't really want that for him! I'm the opposite and need total silence and darkness!

I'm almost laughing at the social worker thing! Our children's BM is pregnant again with a full sibling, but there's just no way we'd consider it. By the time baby's born there will be 11 months between him/her and my son and 22 months between him/her and my daughter. And of course there is no saying when BM will stop - mine are not the eldest, they have older siblings also adopted!


Flash - thank you for taking the time to reply at a manic time! I know how full on one is, tbh two is just madness really   I'm thinking long-term goal of two close in age growing up together, but this bit sucks!   

Can I ask how you implemented a routine in terms of sleep (and seriously, was him from the same foster home as my LO!!!) - did you stay to settle, use controlled crying etc? Once screaming, our little chap will just blow until picked up (and in the first week he didn't stop screaming for anything: two hours one night of him screaming in my arms). Like you, once put down he starts again but much worse. My rule is to settle without picking up, so back rubs, soothing etc but not picking up mid-nap and I now wait set intervals to go in. It makes me feel so horrible but I'm doing it for him, he needs his sleep and is bloody horrible with out, all he does is cry and fuss and scream if he hasn't slept. He also thrashes about at very feed except the dream feed because he is always trying to see what's going on, even when DH us able to watch our daughter and I go to a quiet, dark place, he's just as bad, trying to see everything. The Health Visitor came yesterday but she's not been any help, just repeats what I know and struggles for an answer when I ask a question, just trots out textbook answers. I *hate* it when people say things like this normally, but I don't think she's a parent! She's got no empathy whatsoever and really doesn't seem to understand children, and when I did ask a couple of things she told me to see the doctor about them   Not 100% what she's meant to do other than weigh babies and hand out the odd booklet! Anyway enough of that, just sounding off really!

Right, better grab a sandwich as the munchkins are asleep!


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## Dreams do come true

Hi Mummyelf

You are doing a fab job, early on having two is all about survival.

I agree with ALL of Rosie's survival tips, especially the playgroup one!!!

In time it will be easier, it will all just work...and the struggling and moments of despair will become a distant memory. I can look after two standing on my head now, I couldn't for the first few months. 

You will be absolutely fine, just takes time to learn how to be a mummy of two!

I promise you that it does get easier x


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## MummyElf

Thank you dreams! I love the encouragement, it means so much! I keep telling myself in 6 months time it will be much easier and I know it's true! X


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