# The worst christmas present



## ekitten1 (Dec 18, 2009)

Hi, 

Im new here and just wanted to introduce myself, I have just read a little bit on the site and I actually feel quite bad even talking about my problem as so many of you on here have been thru so much more.

Well, we have been trying to conceive now for just 6 months. I am 36 years old and so aware that fertility declines year by year, have been using an ovulation monitor for all of this time to increase our chances. I even went for a private scan to make sure that my ovaries looked healthy which they appear to be.

Fingers were crossed yet again for this month and yesterday, I discovered not only that I am not pregnant this time, but also that my bf has a problem with sperm motility. We wont know until monday when he meets his GP, just how poor it is. But, I dont think it looks good since he takes a combination of rather strong medications which are likely to be the cause. And coming off the medication is not an option probably for several years.

I dont know where we go now, we are at the very start of all this. I have read that icsi seems to be the answer when it comes to lack of sperm motility but from what I read on the internet, it is unlikely that we will get IVF on the NHS.....because I have a 10 year old son from my previous marriage. And private treatment is financially out of our reach !!

I know I should be happy that I have one child, that I was blessed one time more than a lot of couples will be but still, this has devastated me. I have wanted a baby with my bf for the last 3 years and until i do, I will always feel this big black hole in my life.

I spent all night sat crying and wondering why me, something I guess you have all asked.

I dont know what more to say, I am still absolutely numb.

This has come just before christmas and I dont know how I will get thru the holidays, but I have to keep strong and not let this affect my son or my bf. I guess one consolation is that since I am not pregnant, I can drink as much wine as I can this christmas  

Hopefully as I read on, I will find some comfort in what everyone else writes and maybe some answers/solutions to my problem.

Thanks to anyone who read took a moment to read this.

Cxxx


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

C and welcome to Fertility Friends 

I'm sorry to read of your predicament   I've left you some useful links below. I hope that there is some way you can both have a child together. There are lots of members here on FF who already have one child (either naturally or with assistance) and still yearn for another. 

Please have a good look around the boards, feel free to post in any area, and make yourself at home. Fertility Friends is such a huge support. There are many who are on their TTC journey, and others who have been fortunate to have little ones with assistance. You will soon discover that our members are very encouraging of one another and offering advice or just simple hugs. There's a vast amount of information here for everyone, so start reading, posting and getting to know others. You will make some great friends too (add them to your buddy list in your profile!), lots of members often have meet ups locally too, for chats, coffee, shopping or even nights out! You can share conversations with one another freely, simply because we all understand each other. It's hard when family and friends don't fully comprehend what this journey entails and the emotions that go with it. That's where we come in!

Here are some links which you should find really useful at the moment&#8230;&#8230;

*What Every New Member Needs To Know (includes a list of common abbreviations) ~ *   CLICK HERE

*FERTILITY GUIDES ~ *CLICK HERE

*Starting out & Diagnosis ~ *CLICK HERE

*Investigations & Immunology ~ *CLICK HERE

*Male factors ~ *CLICK HERE

*Questions for your first cycle consultation ~ (use the ones that apply) *CLICK HERE

You may or may not know, the procedure of IVF is outlined in the link below, and at the end of the treatment the eggs are left in a petre dish to fertilise overnight, whereas with ICSI this differs slightly in that the good sperm are injected directly into the eggs to maximise fertilisation
*A Rough Guide To IVF ~*   CLICK HERE

*ICSI ~ *CLICK HERE

*Secondary Infertility ~ *CLICK HERE

It is very common now for a lot of people to go abroad for treatment, stats are as good (if not better in some clinics) and the costs can be considerably less (depending on which you clinic you attend) I'm not sure whether this is something you have looked into or not, but i'll leave you this link below, as it maybe worth discussing and having it as an option in the future 
*Treatment Outside The UK ~ *  CLICK HERE

Its not all just serious stuff here, you can also have a bit of fun or just gossip while you are on FF too so check out the general chit chat / jokes / hobbies area:

*Girl & Boy talk - Community & Fun Board ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also chat live in our excellent chat room. We have a newbie day in the chat room every Wednesday where you can meet one of our mods for support, meet other new members and get technical support with navigating the site and using all the functions available here.  CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON NEWBIE CHAT 

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. It's a small world!

Wishing you lots of luck    and 
Keep in touch
Ceri xx


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## ekitten1 (Dec 18, 2009)

Thanks Ceri,

I think I am going to find this site a lot of help. Those links look really interesting and hopefully will help me understand what to expect. 

I think at the minute, I am just completely at a loss to know where to start, how long it takes to get a referral, how long the waits are and......argh....a million questions flying round my head.

Im have sent the site info to my bf and hopefully I can get him to have a look around here too.

C xxx


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## amethyst_uk (Dec 15, 2009)

Hi

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  I am at the start of this "horrible" process too, but my DH and I are still waiting for test results so we don't know what the probelm is yet.  DH SA isn't till 7th Jan, so another 3 weeks to wait!  It's all we ever seem to do isn't it...wait!

Will you be getting a referral to the nhs fertility unit?  I was told by someone at ff that you have to be seen within 18 weeks. 

Fingers crossed and good luck.


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Hiya C,    I think the best thing you can do for the moment is to get a referral to a clinic through your GP start the ball rolling and not waste any time, sometimes it can take a little while (esp being xmas too) also have a look here, read as much as you possibly can so that if and when you get a consultant appt, you can go armed with lots of questions and understand that bit more. It can seem really mind boggling taking all of the info in otherwise. Anything you're not sure of along the way, ask any of us here. When are you due to see your GP again to discuss the sper results?

There's also this for your other half if he's interested, It's a good place to start for him 
*The Mens Room ~ *CLICK HERE


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

If it is any consolation, I know how you feel and wish I didn't.   

I asked why me when we tried and tried and nothing happened for years.
I asked why me when we found out that despite a DS from previous relationship my DH was found to have no sperm whatsoever.
I asked why me when I found out that I had blocked tubes for no apparent reason and donor IVF was the only option left to us.
I asked why me when my DH refused to go for donor sperm and wanted a divorce instead (thankfully behind us now)
I asked why me when the NHS turned its back on us (and I worked for NHS for 17 years) because of DH's son, that does not live with us and I have never had a child and my parents have no grand children.
I asked why me just recently when I miscarried my precious IVF baby at 17 weeks after being so happy that I got pregnant.

I am hoping that one day we will get the answers to these questions, and at last we can both say we finally got there.

You will get through the holidays. Try and find some joy. Life is too short to spend it miserable (I can talk after 9 years of infertility sadness)
In the new year, try and find out what your options are, how much they cost etc.

There may be more options than you think.

For instance, does your BF drink alcohol, is he overweight, does he have a good diet etc.
Sometimes things like healthy lifestyle and vitamin supplements, especially selenium and zinc can help.
The medication might be possible to change to something less harmful?

You need to get your tubes and ovulation checked. If these are normal then it may be possible to take BF's sperm sample, spin it to concentrate the fast swimmers, wash it and put it directly into your uterus (IUI) in a natural cycle or one stimulated mildly with tablets (clomid).

It doesn't necessarily mean expensive IVF, there might be other cheaper things that could be done, perhaps even on the NHS.

Don't be too downhearted until you have been told the worst. 
Best wishes
Hazel x


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## ekitten1 (Dec 18, 2009)

Thanks for your replies, you have been so kind.

I guess I wont need to come here now, my bf has told me that he doesnt want a baby any more.

So it must be a blessing that I did not get pregnant. I feel numb, rejected and I dont know what to do with my life any longer. I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until all the pain has gone away.

I dont know how I will get thru the day, let alone christmas. 

I want to say good luck to all of you on here, keep going and one day, your dreams may come true.

Take care,
C x x x


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## Ceri. (Sep 6, 2004)

Oh hunny      Please dont give up if this is what you really really want. No-one has the right to make you give up on this. Over the coming months just spend time talking to each other. I think in reality hun, your bf has had a huge knock. Being told that you are infertile can cause upset, anger, denial etc. Let him come to terms with it, this might be his first reaction to lash out with. Given time he may come to terms with it     

Please stay in touch xx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

Hun, this is a man reaction. I have been through exactly the same with my DH.

The reaction they have to having something wrong with their fertility is to just shut it out, not go there, say they don't want a baby.
It is a big dent in their masculinity.

Maybe it is genuine, maybe it is just a reactive response. May be he would rather not know if the problem is him and he is saying this so he doesn't have to find out for sure and face whatever the consequences are.

My DH wouldn't face it at first. Then he agreed to have a biopsy, then another. Once the final nail to his fertility was banged in, he decided he didn't want to be a daddy anymore (in our case it would mean donor sperm or adoption).
We went to counselling and limped on in a marriage that was very unhappy for a long time until one day he announced he wanted a divorce if I would not give up on it.
So I had decided by that point that a baby was what I really wanted out of MY life, and if it meant splitting and doing it alone with donor sperm then that is how it had to be. No-one, not even DH had the right to take away motherhood from me.

For 3 months I was sorting out a divorce and seeing the doctor in the fertility clinic on my own. We were in separate rooms from June. He did come with me to a seminar at the fertility clinic about donor sperm in July, which I thought was odd. I went away with the girls to a spa for 3 days in September. When I came back, he begged me to come back and he would support me in having a baby with donor. We have been quite happy ever since and we have had one attempt, leading to pregnancy, but sadly miscarried. We are going on a cruise in January, and when we come back in February, we are going to try again with our frozen embyos.

It took DH a long time - about 2 years (incidentally the usual duration of bereavement) to grieve his fertility and realise that I was serious, and that he loved me, and if it is what I wanted more than anything, then he would accept it an move on.

I had realised that donor was our only option in Aug 05 , so I had started grieving then. But men are different and only think about emotionally charged things when they have to. DH didn't start grieving until 2007, and it took him a while to catch up.

I hope all works out for you. Let the dust settle. Specialist fertility counsellors are available and they might be helpful to work out what you both want and communicate.


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## ekitten1 (Dec 18, 2009)

Ceri and Hazel,

Thanks so much for your replies. Everyone here seems to have been thru so much. I think the whole fertility thing must be one of the worst things a person/couple can go thru.

He has given me several excuses for his reasons....some which are extremely hurtful and personal and have left me very wounded. I dont know if these reasons are really how he feels or whether he is just trying to lash out at someone because he knows it is down to him that he cant give me what he wants (naturally anyhow). I packed his bags yesterday and told him to go...he didnt and now says we can carry on with our plans, but it took 3.5 years of me trying to convince him to have a baby in the first place....maybe his heart was never in it

I dont know what will happen now and to be honest, i am too hurt to even think straight about this. I do know that i want a baby so much but now I am scared as hell. 

C xxx


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## Mistletoe (Holly) (Jan 1, 2007)

I really do know how you feel my love. 

At the moment you are both grieving and in shock. With time you will be able to think more straight. Try making pro/con lists.

I have even written DH a letter in the past as we ended up unable to communicate verbally. Just be careful about also lashing out though, as you are well aware, it is impossible to unsay things that are said, whether in the heat of the moment or not.

A counsellor may be very helpful to you. Try to find someone near you either through your local clinic or throught the British Infertility Counselling Association www.BICA.net. These people know exactly the issues that infertility brings and the feelings involved, and can help you to order your thoughts and feelings.
If like with my DH, he probably won't want to go, and probably won't want to do what they suggest - but you can go on your own and order your thoughts.

Men also get scared about the implications to their life that a child will bring. Infertility is a good excuse to avoid it.

You are just at the beginning of the journey. If my experience can help you then I am happy to keep supporting you.


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## scubababe (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi ekitten,

If he was going to go, he would have taken the chance when you packed his bags - it really does sound like he truly wants to sort things out with you, and if he says he'll start back TTC'ing with you, then that is positive  

It must be very emotional and draining at the moment, just try and enjoy the holidays (you wont be able to do much on the fertility front until after Xmas anyway!) and calm down about it all. Worrying and sleepless nights make it all seem worse....give it some time and I'm sure you'll both work it out.

It took more than 3 years to get my current DH to TTC - after 2 kids with 2 previous ex-wives with a lot of custody battles and hatred, he was very reluctant to have a third child in case it all happened again, but he finally felt secure enough to TTC with me for my first child after years of discussions. I really did try not to nag or get mad about his refusals, but occasionally it would all become too emotional for me to ignore, and divorce was not an option except on the grounds of adultery. I carried on hoping even though it was very hurtful - after all, I was helping him raise 2 children who he'd had with horrible women, financially supporting them all, and he wouldnt even consider one with me - but eventually it worked out for us   

I'm sure at the beginning of TTC he agreed for my sake, but now there's a little life in there he's as excited as I am and cant wait to hold him in his arms. So if your BF is agreeing to TTC, please take him at his word for now - even if his heart isnt fully in it, just appreciate what he's doing for you and know that the little bundle of joy will melt his heart once it arrives!

HopefulHazel - I hope you're doing OK, I was so sorry to see your post about your little one recently. How are you feeling/coping? I hope you enjoy your cruise and fingers crossed for the next try  

Sandy
xx


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