# Child finding out about their donor



## Pamela39 (Apr 6, 2006)

We are hoping to have IVF later this year with my cousins eggs. We all believe it would serve no purpose to tell the child if we are sucessful. We have not had our counselling yet so may change our minds as we all want what is in the best interests of the child.

I understand a child can find out details of their donor on reaching 18. I assume they apply for this information somehow. If the child is not told about the donor is there some mechanism by which they are contacted? 

Also I think the information about the donor will be held at the clinic and the HFEA. Is there anywhere else this information is held?

Thanks

Pam x


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Pam
I wonder if you have had a read through the thread about Telling Children about Donor.  You will find a mixture of views but on the whole people seem to feel that 'telling' is in the best interests of the child, whether or not the donor is known to the family.  Finding out in teenage years or later about donor conception is mostly felt as a deep betrayal by a young person who cannot understand why they have not been trusted to have this information before.  With a donation within a family the chances of the child finding out are even greater, so why take the risk of jeopardising relationships for the future?  Do have a look at our web site www.dcnetwork.org for more information about Telling and Talking.  The booklets cover known donation as well as unknown and identifiable donors.

At present donor information is held only by the HFEA and the clinic.  If a child suspects that they may have been conceived with the help of a donor - and many DC adults (who now know) did feel that there was something 'wrong' or odd going on in their family - they can approach the HFEA at age 18 to check if they were donor conceived.
If some MPs get their way next week in parliament, then birth certificates may be marked to either show donor conception has taken place or referring the holder of the certificate to a further register to check genetic identity.  DC Network does not support this method of forcing parents to tell...but we do believe very strongly that it is in the child's best interest to do so.  I do hope you are able to come round to this way of thinking.
Olivia


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## CluckCluck (Jun 5, 2007)

Pam,
My feeling is that if some people (friends, members of the family etc) know, then iinevitably the 'secret' will come out one day. This could happen in a way that would be very hard for the child... and not therefore in their best interests. Assuming family members know (which they must, if you are using a cousin's eggs), then I would go for openness right from the start. I guess the earlier that everyone gets their head round it and is comfortable with it, then the easier it is to talk about it... and tell the child.
goog luck,
cluckcluck


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## loobylou713 (May 8, 2005)

Can i ask how this register would work if you have donor egg from abroad. There is no information given about the donor.


Linda


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Dear Linda
Children conceived abroad do not appear on the HFEA register or any central register for that matter (if conceived in most countries abroad).  This means that they will not have the same opportunities as children conceived in this country to have information about or potentially contact with their donor.  We will not know for many years if this makes a difference to how children conceived abroad feel about themselves and their conception.
Olivia


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## loobylou713 (May 8, 2005)

I was adopted and many years ago you never got any details of who your parents were. I for one was never bothered about meeting my birth parents. I did when i was in my 30's put a ad on a site to find people and i found out i had a brother who i have met and a sister who still doesn't know about me. Noone in the family knew i existed. I was  in some way glad that both of the birth parents had passed away. I met my brother and he gave me a photo of her and i do look very much like her. I am not in contact with my brother now he's gone abroad and was never that interested oh apart from money.

It never did me any harm not knowing anything about my birth parents and i don't think i could love my mum anymore than i do.

So girls what i am saying is don't worry if a child knows from a very early age they grow up knowing. Yeah you will get you can't tell me what to do you aren't my mum. I said it but i never meant it.


Linda
xxxx


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## olivia m (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Linda
You're right, many people don't seem to want or need information about their genetic parents and sharing information from an early age is the most important protective factor in how a child is likely to feel about him/herself, BUT there are many other people who DO feel that knowledge of genetic parents is vital information.  We can't know in advance how our children are likely to feel so if it is possible to choose an identifiable donor then this is likely to be in the best interests of the child because it gives them the CHOICE about whether or not they want to have the information.
Olivia


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