# This weekend 2006



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Ladies, 


I'm not one for being online in the small hours, but I woke up about an hour and a half ago, and couldn't get back off.

This weekend last year, I found out I was pregnant with my hubby and mine's first baby. I can remember so clearly the feeling of relief and elation at having 'got there'. I remember how thrilled both his parents and my mum were, and the pleasure my hubby took in telling his mum and dad that we'd done it. 

So, so much has happened since then, that I can't really recognise the woman I see in my memory of that time. She was so hell bent on being a mum, and so afraid of not being. This year has the appearance of a WW1 battle field, with unexploded mines lurking all around me as I march through, passing by significant date after significant date. Next up, my wedding anniversary, followed four days later by a d+c for  our first missed miscarriage. And yes I know it is up to me to reframe these events as much as possible, and I do believe that once I have got through the anniversaries all once, it will be easier, but, I would also do my lost children a dis-service if I didn't acknowledge what they meant to me and how much I miss them. 

And I do...

I haven't really ever made up my mind about the presence of any kind of higher being in the universe, the notion of heaven, or living in another form once you die. But, I do quite often feel that I want to make my children proud of me, and feel that they are watching me down here, struggling by without them. If I'm honest, my drive to be content with my life as it is now comes in part from this motivation of wanting to live a dignified life so that they can look down on me and be proud of who I am. 

There are so many good things and people that have come into my life as a result of my journey and my losses; this makes it hard to wholly regret what I have been through. Better for me to embrace the pockets of good fortune and friendship I have encountered this last year, and recognise that I'm now stronger and more rounded than I have ever been, despite my deep and probably permanent sadness. 

But also, probably, better that I state somewhere, so that it is recorded for posterity, that I would have dearly loved to have met, cherished, cared for and loved my children, and that their little lives are as significant to me as anyone who actually got past the point of being born. 

The world is random, cruel and beautiful, and I have felt the full force of all of these features in every waking moment in the last twelve months. 

Sleep tight my angels, 

MM xxx


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Oh MM
you brought tears to my eyes.  
I totally understand the sleeplessness.
It's in the wee small hrs you feel so alone.
take care, my thoughts are with you
Lots love Jo


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

....and a tear to mine....


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

MM

Thank you for honouring us with the mentioning of your babies. I am a great believer that wherever they are in the universe they know what you think of them, and they love you too.

I am so sorry that your babies were not able to stay with you for longer, but in the short space of time they had with you I am certain you gave them all the love they needed. Love never ever dies honey, and although I'm not religious I believe that love can be felt all through the ether, wherever you are and whatever you are 'at'.

Holding you extra specially tight today my friend, for anniversaries are hard... go gently hon.

With much love
Emcee xxx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Dear MM

I cried when I read your post. You write so eloquently and clearly about your pain.

I know what you are going through. I can tell you that anniversaries do get easier with distance, but you will never forget. And why should you? These were lives that, for reasons we can't know, were not meant to be. But that doesn't change the meaning they hold for you or the very real feelings that go with it.

My oldest should have just celebrated his 11th birthday, but I no longer dread the end of February, I just remember it, and talk with dh about the life we might have had.

I don't know if you have done anything tangible to remember your children, but I decided I needed something to focus my grief on, and so I planted a rose "Remembrance" in the garden. This is something that I can take with me if we ever move, and it is in a place where I can sit quietly and contemplate life.

I don't think I believe in a higher being, just in an energy that is all about us. Our children are a part of that and I take comfort from believing that it was right for them to go there before we met - for their sakes rather than for mine. I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I have to believe that they were taken away from me so soon for a good reason. I have to see it as in their best interests. This means that I struggle with what might have been, but thinking that they couldn't have survived here with me has helped my anger to recede.

Yet again, I find myself talking about me. I'm sorry MM, but that's the only thing I'm an expert in (although dh claims to know me better than I know myself!)

The small hours of the night are the worst. Can you perhaps have a break somewhere, give yourselves space and time from daily life to grieve your losses? You talk a lot about how you should be feeling and what you should be doing - but your feelings are real. Let them happen. Give yourself permission to hate the world - it has been a cruel place.

It will get better.
With love,
Nickah
xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Nickah, 

I am able to allow myself to grieve, but it is so good to be reminded of the need to do so. I've come to think of my grief as a friend who pops in every now and then, and I am genuinely pleased to see her. In my preparation for the workshops I have been re-reading a lot of grief and loss therapy literature that I first made my way through when in training nearly ten years ago, and it has been tremendously helpful in putting grief in context. When she wants something of me - tears, anger, sadness - she is welcome to those things, and in the spaces inbetween, I get on with living a positive life. But it is good to be reminded....! Maybe I didn't write so eloquently above, because I don't feel full of shoulds, only a willingness to allow my grief to flow around me and do what it must to be soothed....

Another thing that my mentor Meredith is encouraging me to do among side the workshops is to hold a rememberance service where women who have lost babies, embryos, hope, can come and grieve. Society is not so good at recognising our losses as being comparable to the losses of others, but they are....

Bless all of you for having the compassion to be here day in and day out...

MM xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hi everyone, 

I just wnted to say a big thank you for all the support I've received here; it has definitely made a difference to how this weekend has gone. Last night hubby and I were at a house warming party in the village, and towards the end of the evening someone we like but who we're not that close to said 'So, are you going to try for another baby then?' He knew we'd lost one last year, but didn't know about the most recent m/c. We answered in unison, 'No, we're just getting on with our life', and I went on to say we lost another child and that we'd had enough of trying. He was apologetic, and I reassured him that it's ok to ask because it's nice to know that people care. I'm telling you all this because as it happened I felt strong enough to say it all; looking outside in, I have to marvel at the human spirit and it's capacity to ride stuff out! I don't mean that conceitedly, we have all been there and survived more than we thought we might. And all evening I had all your kind words echoing around my head....

Marvels, each and everyone of you!

Love, 

MM xx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

That could have been such an 'ouch moment' there hon but you were able to turn it around which is testament to the sort of fantastic person you are.

I'm in deep admiration of you hon!

Love to you
Emcee xxxxxx


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi MM
Your post was so moving..You are one amazing lady. I think it is so beautiful to honour your lost children - I really agree with emcee that they will be in the universe somewhere, 'aware' of your love for them  

Also, seriously well done for coping with that insensitive man, god why are people so intrusive? Sounds like you handled it so brilliantly.

love xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Thanks Ladies.... you'll notice I'm up late; it's been a strange day with my MIL chatting away insensitively; then later her dog going to the vet and being put to sleep (he was luvly and my hubby is gutted) ; and then finding out that my BIL has invited two couples with very young children down to stay in my PIL's house (next door to mine) for the May Bank Holiday, while I'm doing the workshop! It would appear that my good friend Grief wants rather a lot of me today, so rather than lying there, trying to get to sleep, I've handed myself over to her and said, 'do what you must'. 

And so I come on line and feel comforted by the support you've all been busy offering each other and me throughout the day, while I've been in my garden. 

From where I sit life is so much more vividly extreme these days. Pleasure is more intense (like seeing how much I'd got done in the garden and just enjoying how beautiful it was in south devon today) and pain is astonshingly forceful..... It can still catch my breath.

Here's to hot milk and the glories of sleep...

MM xxxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dearest MM, I sincerely hope that as I type this in daytime on the other side of the world you are tucked up in bed and sleeping tight... I haven't posted in the last few days (DH been working from home and took over the office) but I have managed a glance at all the new messages and you have been very much in my thoughts. You have what I think is a beautifully philosophical way of looking at things and if, as you say, Grief wants rather a lot of you at the moment, I think it is a wonderful response to simply say, ok, that's how it is right now, and to accept it rather than rail against it. When I am in a particularly low moment I try to tell myself that I simply have to let it be and feel wretched until I don't feel wretched any more. I remind myself it will not last and I will not always feel that way, and there is something very calming and really quite emppwering about that.

My love to you MM.

B xxx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

My Darling MM,

I am doggedly working my way through recent posts having been away as you know in Spain and then off sick. I have just found this post, almost as I called it a day. I feel so sorry I did not see this earlier.

Your post has really touched me. 

I am neither religious nor sentimental. But I share with you some notion that the lives we so nearlly held are significant and real. If that is the case, then your children have a mother they can surely be so proud of. You are indeed a woman of true care, compassion, bravery and love. 

We FF of yours are so lucky to have you amongst us. I know you will understand as I say I would rather we did not have to share this journey. As it sems to be our fate, I am honoured to offer your my hand.

My heart is with you,

jq xxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Like so many other days in the last 3 months, the first thing I do this morning is sit here with my tea and read kind words; Thank you, thank you, thank you......

Love, 

MM xxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Dear MM

I do hope you're feeling ok today (ok is so the wrong word but sadly I'm not blessed with such an articulate vocabulary as you).

You never cease to amaze me in the way you can manage to deal with everything chucked at you and still come out with a positive attitude, not only that but you then go on to help others.  I don't think you realise what a special person you are.  It's a privlege knowing you, that goes for everyone on here - I've never known support like it.  

It's such a relief to know we can seek refuge here know matter what time of day/night, we won't be judged only listened to and offered help.

Love you all gals
Nix
xx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Nix, 

I've had so many heart-warming and ego-plumping comments of late that I'm going to struggle to fit my head through any of the doors in my house! Seriously, it is lovely to read your words and to feel so supported. 

Philip Larkin wrote a great poem where he asked 'Where can we live but in Days?' suggesting that if you think about that question too long it'll send you screaming to the psychiatrist. He right of course, we have to live; get up, do stuff, think stuff, rest, go back to bed. Given that there's really no choice about this, my attitude is that where possible, I'll do it all with a smile on my face and some sunshine in my heart. Don't manage this at all some days, but when I do, it still feels good, despite everything. 

One of the African tribes has a saying 'Is the sky clear for you today?' meaning is everything well for you today. I know that for manay of us, not every day is blessed with the clear blue above us, but I hope that for you and our other good freinds here, that today is heading in the 'blue' direction....


Thanks again, 

Love to all, 

MM xxxx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hey Ladies, 

I've no doubt that this family holiday, like any other, is pushing buttons for some of you, just like it is me. I've excused myself from the pub and come home to write that as I face each moment of this I feel the choice between dignified acceptance and utter rage being presented to me over and over again, and somehow I carry both with me. I do all the things I would normally do on a bank holiday weekend with my husbands family visiting, but everything looks, feel, is, in fact, different. 

The remarkable-ness of our capacity to keep on going in the face of this is beyond comprehension.....

May you find some peace under the blue skies....

MM xxx


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

Dearest MM,

I had such a big lump in my throat as I read your post. I felt such a mixture of sadness for and empathy with you, along with (and I hope this doesn't sound strange) relief that the way I have been feeling over this break is perhaps not as weird than I thought. On Saturday night I lay in bed trying to read a book but not taking a word of it in, as a groundswell of emotion just engulfed me and big fat tears started silently rolling down my face.  Most of the time I think we can all find reasons to be positive, but breaks that focus on families can be just so hard to get through without finding a quiet moment where it's safe to let your guard down and those emotions out. I sit on those feelings pretty well most of the time, but Saturday night was definitely my 'moment'.

In my case I don't think it helps at this time of year to be on the other side of the world to my family - talk about adding to the sense of isolation that it really is just DH and me!

My thoughts are with you all, especially MM and anyone who may be finding this break hard. Wishing it could be different for each and every one of us.

With love, B xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

I can relate to you everything you are saying and I too feel the sadness. I had a group of friends round for dinner on Friday and one couple have 2 children. They always act superior and had great delight in telling us how they and all my old crowd had spent the day with their children at an egg hunting party. It's bad enough that I have to listen to this but also it is another example of something I wasn't invited to because I don't have children. My social life is very poor these days and whilst most of the time I don't mind there are occasions when the unfairness of it all hits you. I also noticed that when the conversations where not about children this couple started to talk amongst themselves as if they felt out of place. Interesting how human nature is to be with those that are sharing similar experiences, and those people only. We really are still living in packs!!

I have put on half a stone in 2 days, think it is just water retention due to drinking and this has also upset me. Will have to stop drinking again as my body can't take it. Back onto the health kick to make myself feel better. Oh and that's another thing my old crowd are doing, they are all turning into yummy mummies. No word of a lie, they go to the gym alot, are all really thin, have wardrobes to die for, some are going down the botox, tummy tucks and lip fillers route and even competing in triathlons. I would love to have the energy and motivation to keep up but I can't and feel a bit cross with myself that I feel I have to. I have never been a pack person, more like a bird that needs to fly solo!!! 

x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies

I too had a moment of sadness yesterday - in a busy shopping complex car park of all places (!) it seemed that I was surrounded by families, its at times like this it really hits home to me how alone (apart from DH of course) that I am in the world too!

I thought of this quote I had sent to me via email. Its from the poem 'To a Skylark' by Percy Bysshe Shelley and it summed things up pretty well for me yesterday, I hope you don't mind if I share with you all here... I thought it was particuarly apt after reading what Yamoona had posted (we are about here at the same time it seems hon)

We look before and after, 
And pine for what is not: 
Our sincerest laughter 
With some pain is fraught; 
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend folks, be good to yourselves.

Lots of love
Emcee x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Yamoona said:


> It's bad enough that I have to listen to this but also it is another example of something I wasn't invited to because I don't have children. My social life is very poor these days and whilst most of the time I don't mind there are occasions when the unfairness of it all hits you.


Yamoona, I have experienced this too - I know how isolating it makes you feel, like we didn't already feel isolated enough huh? Its like an extra sting in the tail when you're already suffering on many degrees, its not fair.

Sending you much love and massive hugs my little skylark...

Emcee x


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## Bandicoot (Mar 8, 2007)

So know where you are coming from, Yamoona. Sometimes the most isolating thing is dealing with friends who say they understand yet time and again demonstrate they don't. The most gutting for me is one of my oldest friends who should know better as she has been there, she had to have IVF to have her children so she knows what being on this side of it is like. Yet couldn't wait to tell me how fantastic her Easter was as she'd spent it with her kids and all the other mums and kids on an Easter egg hunt. And I have to say, 'how lovely' and what I don't say is that I spent it on my own, in tears at my loneliness and anger and frustration, because it's not the kind of thing you tell people who are having a fantastic Easter with their kids. Then she says she couldn't imagine life without her kids and it frightens her to think of being without them. Finally, after I've told her time and again I think I'm done with this as it's too devastating, she asks me if I'm getting ready to try again and will I be having treatment at the time she is coming to visit. Is she listening? Do I have to lose it with her and then probably lose her friendship too to make her understand? Oh and I have another friend with a three year-old, mercifully not someone I'm all that close to these days, who, after I told her about the fourth miscarriage last month, actually responded by saying to me that 'in a way' she envies me as 'all the mums agree it's hard work and you can't give 'em back'. Oh really? And have I just told you my life is a bed of roses or have I just told you I've lost another child? What part of that exactly do you envy? I just want to yell shut up shut up shut up, don't you get it? Can't you just say 'I'm sorry' and then if you don't know how this feels then shut up and keep all your stupid comments to yourself? No wonder we end up feeling so isolated. This is the loneliest path I have ever walked. 

Sorry about all the anger...

B x


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Ladies, 

As much as one can be glad to be in this circumstance, I'm glad that my and everyone else's posts give us all permission to feel what we are feeling. Sometimes I worry that my honesty here will mean that people will think I am not up to the task of leading the workshops, but I have to hold on to the belief that it is my understanding of what it is like, pain and all, that means I am of any use. Thank you for validating my words, it makes such a difference......

I've just been to a nice lunch party with the elderlies of my village, and it was a hoot - not all bad, this life, ...... We just have to look harder for the nuggets of pleasure....


MM xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

B... don't be sorry for the anger. Its what happens when you have to deal with others riding roughshod over what you are feeling - its like all the experiences you have had are not valid, the losses you have endured have been 'swept under the carpet'. I understand how distressing and frustrating that can be, and the isolation we have all felt because of our individual situations. It sucks - I can't say more than that because I'm not allowed to swear!   Big squeezy hugs to you hon x

MM once again you are right, there are nuggets of pleasure out there amidst the heartache. Glad to hear you had a happy time today, you deserve it. May I add that sharing your feelings here shows you have an indepth understanding of this whole process - it doesn't make you look like you're not up for the job in my book - far from it. Thank you for being you and for sharing so much with us - its so amazing to know we aren't alone in all of this, and that people out there really do empathise, and that there are people like you who are willing to help others along the 'road less travelled' (for thats how it feels sometimes) You're amazing!

Love to all xxx


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Bandicoot how terrible for you to have such an insensitive friend who after going through IVF should know better. Now I know that not everyone in the world feels comfortable talking about things they don't understand but when they do understand they have no excuse. I really think you should talk to this person about how IVF does not work for everyone which is why it only has a 25% success rate and perhaps she could remember this next time she asks if you are having another one or even if she would like to foot the bill!! Urrg sorry but I am angry for you on this one.

MM - You are an inspiration to us all and honesty is the best policy for us. I know I sometimes wonder if you all think I am bonkers with my honest posts but better out than in so keep it up.

I had a suprise visit this afternoon from one of my friends who has 3 children and I ended spending all afternoon with her family. Had a really nice time and can now come home and appreciate my dog and my DH who loves me for being who I am, wobbly bits and all. How quickly a day can change. Love to you all.


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Bandicoot,   I don't want to diss your mates but what kind of specimen behaves like that? And you're burdened with two of them? It's hardly suprising you're angry.

Aussies are renown for their honesty, in this instance I'd be brutally honest and live with the consequences.  Easy for me to say I know, but there comes a point.

As for the isolation and loneliness, I found it got easier as my friends and their kids get older.  Your mates will realise that they don't have a life outside their kids (who quickly find a life without them), find it unfilling and will be on the phone to you wanting to come out to play again.

Yamoona & MM, I'm glad your weekend got better.

flipper


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Hello everyone
it sounds like Easter weekend has brought lots of memories and thoughts of what may have been for us all - funny how holidays do this. At least we have each other.

Yamoona, you poor thing surrounded by your yummy mummies. I really think that if they feel the need to change themselves so radically - gyms, liposuction and botox and the suchlike they cannot be truly happy with who they are. Whilst you, dear friend, are on a different path that will ultimately lead you to higher places.

MM, I loved your quote from Philip Larkin. He is my alltime favourite poet. In my 20's when I was seeing a therapist to cope with my sorry upbringing I loved his poem "families". Now I'm 42 and struggling with my infertility it gives me yet a different take. For what it's worth (and with the rude words 'hidden")

They f--k you up your Mum and Dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill you up with faults they had
and add some extras just for you.

But they where f--ked up in their turn
by fools in old-style hats and coats
who half the time where sloppy-stern
and half at one anothers throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens as a coastal shelf.
Get out as quickly as you can
and don't have any kids yourself.

Lots of love Jo


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Jo, 

He was indeed a star, and good on us all for finding humour in all this dark, messy stuff....

Love, 

MM xx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Gals - I've been away for a couple of days but you've been in my thoughts throughout.  I didn't want to start another post but thought I'd add to this one as it's a relevant time of year for us.

My darling mum bought me & DH tickets for my fav show (phantom) for my birthday.  She bought them for London (where I've never seen it but always wanted to) and my beloved DH booked a couple of nights in a hotel for us.  This was all a suprise for my birthday and it was so lovely.  

What I didn't tell them is the milestone it was for me to go back to London after our last nightmare IVF in May of last year.  It was a HUGE thing for me to face going to London, luckily we went by train rather than car but we did get very close to our clinic, in fact DH mentioned a little about it while we were there.  

We had a fantastic weekend, and although I still find it hard to deal with or even talk to him or anyone else about that last IVF, I feel it was such a big thing for me to go anywhere near London and I did it - and we both enjoyed our weekend.

I don't even remember last Easter or my last birthday as it all turned into a bit of a blur.  I do know what an issue another 'time of year' can be for us again and reading some of your posts puts things into perspective for me.

Another milestone we've got thro ladies - well done.

Nix
xx


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Go Nix!

Well Survived!!! - I can completely imagine how big that journey felt, I'm so chuffed for you!!!!

Big luv, 

MM xxx


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Just popping in to send enormous hugs to you all, as I feel you all deserve/need it. Can relate to so much of what has been said.

Was deeply moved by your posts MM, have been thinking of you, and praying. Sorry not to be able to offer more support right now, dissertations are taking over my life!!!   

thinking of you all, and with you very much in spirit.

Ermey xxx


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Maggie-May and all,
Right on the button! Yes those family holiday times get me every time. Its the things I will never do that get me...it kills me that I will never set up an Easter Egg hunt for my children. I had a very sad patch on Friday. 
I have to admit that we kept to ourselves this Easter and did loads to the garden at our new house. Feel like we have really accomplished something together and have the aches to prove it! 
Like M-M I am experiencing such a wide range of emotions. Love the lunch with oldies M-M. I am the youngest by far at our village Gaqrdening Club and sometimes I fear getting old before my time but usually I just have a good laugh and think sod it! 
Hope you are all OK and have survived. Do you know what though, I am tired of getting through and surviving the main holidays of the year. I so want to get to a stage when I can truely enjoy them. Oh well, little steps......

Love MeganXXX


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hey Megan, 

I think those oldies are a good reminder to make the most of youth, and so actually keep you young. I was chatting at the lunch with Sylvia, now in her 70s, (who by the way had six m/c's, bless her heart) and she has had to make changes in her garden so that it is easier to manage, and has as a result given me the herbacious perrenials she can't manage anymore. That made me really appreciate that I can look after them, so I will! 

Does your gardening club have an annual show, Megan; we do and it is my favourite weekend of the year - I should invite you down to see it!!!! Keep the second w/end in August free!

In seriousness, it sounds like you had the most productive weekend; there is something so nurturing about gardening....

Love, 

MM x


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## Megan10 (Jul 16, 2004)

Thanks M-M,
That's a great way to think about it. I always think life is more interesting when you have a really diverse mix of friends and a big age range just adds to the mix! 
Yes we have a big show in September. We went last year when we had just moved in and it was great fun. Planning on entering a few classes this year if anything grows! The blackbirds seem very interested in our new veg garden so hope they do not eat the lot!
Back at work today and suddenly everything seems a real struggle again. Too much time on my own to think I guess.   I have made an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow. Need to get some support through this and see if she has suggestions on a counselor. My biggest challenge is I have days when I am busy and life seems Ok when I feel I am doing alright and others like today when I am really low again. I am worried that if I took time out I would feel like a bit of a fraud as although I am not fantastically productive at work i am keeping things together and dealing with the important stuff. 
I know I need to deal with all this but its hard to really let my guard down. Does that make sense?
Are you back at work yet? I know you were facing full time or nothing which was far from ideal. What did you decide?
Love MeganXXX


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hey hun, 

I totally get the whole 'keeping busy helps but is it ultimately the right thing to be doing?' question. My weekend had too many forced periods of doing not very much and I really slumped, but other factors were contributing, mainly insensitive family members and ranging premenstrual hormones, but there you go!

'A problem is never buried dead' is a concept that has no doubt already been spouted at you in varying guises... And it is true, in my case at least. It is TERRIFYING to admit the need to 'process', but that is pretty much the worst bit; my guess is you would quite quickly come to relish the once a week offload and feel some real benefits. I know you've been struggling to meet the right person - can I help? 

Ultimately, letting your guard down is a tough thing - for any of us - especially those of us who up until this issue were leading very up tempo, productive lives, achieving this and that all over the place... But, you may just find that you like yourself even better, and that you're even better prepared for the future if you do. Could I also recommend a great book that I'm half way through at the moment; 'Sweet Grapes' by Jean and Michael Carter - excellent stuff about facing and managing grief, and turning childlessness into a more positive feature of our lives, without denying the pain of it. 

I am back at work, and going part time as of next week - I think they got the feeling I might leave if they didn't acquiesce! Thing is, I plan to do this anyway, but only when I've found a suitable replacement part time post - businesses not yet being at the 'pay the bills' stage of income generation! I've not yet had to inspect anywhere, will do this later in the week, so we'll see how well I've prepared myself for it then!

Good luck for the doctors, and you know where I am....

Lots of love, 

MM xxxx


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