# Accepting childlessness



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Girls

I think this is a topic that we have problems with adjusting to and that is accepting childlessness...
It seems that when you accept that you cannot have a child then there will be no hope left in your life.....
Each month how do you forget about ovulating?? maybe screwing your mind up believing there could be a chance?
How do you switch off and forget about having a baby?
Its the hardest part and that is having to accept that you will not beable to have your own child...
Any suggestions in looking at these issues and maybe helping one another, because i am having great difficulty in accepting my fate in life...

Lots of love astridxx


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## flipper (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi Astrid

It's a toughy I agree. Speaking personally, I think clinging to false hope or one in a million chance is the worst thing you can do. I'm still working out how to forget ovulating - it's kinda something you can't ignore isn't it?

Every day I get up and remind myself it's not the be-all-and-end-all. It's not the way I would prefer to live my  life but it's the only life I have and I'll be damned if I live it as a hostage to infertility or in vain monthly hope.

There is more to life.  

flipper


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi flipper
Thanks for those words and i think you are right i am going to start waking up and trying that tactic 'its not the be and end all'...
You are so right about it ruling your life because i want mine back...maybe i am trying to hard to accept as it will come eventually...
I suppose its still early days as yet and maybe if i look back i have come a long way...maybe the key to it all is not to be so hard on yourself...
Thanks Flipper....
Love Astridxxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi ladies

I've come to the conclusion there is no way of accepting this. Its just coming to realise that one day, things don't hurt in the same way any more... and like anything that has been lost to us, we need time to grieve before we can begin to heal.

There is no way of ignoring when we're ovulating, or when af arrives, because its part of being a woman. But like I said before, being a woman is not just about producing offspring, its about nuturing other things in other ways.

The problem is, most of us are geared up to nurture just as nature intended - and its a very strong force to reckon with. I still get broody - and its the most awful thing in some ways because there is nothing I can do about it. I know I won't ever get 'lucky' - but it still doesn't stop the longing. So, I have turned my nurturing side to other things that I am passionate about, and I have learned to accept the changes in my bod, sometimes this has been hard to do but I've got there!  

I have found talking and exploring your feelings about this helps - and this is a pretty darn perfect place to do it in if you don't mind me saying so.

Something else that helps is thinking of all the things I can do as I don't have kids - and all the things I can do now I am not devoted to treatments. In some ways its fab not having any ties, yep, I wish things had been different, but this is how it is so in the same vein as Flipper I am damn well going to make the most/best of it and enjoy myself... and I do   

Sending you lots of love and chocolate cookies (I can't eat any coz I'm dieting - so I thought you could both share mine)! 

Emcee xxx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

I've found recently that keeping busy is best. Getting busy and throwing yourself into life is the only way forward. At least then you are getting on adnd doing something positive and living life whilst trying to come to terms with things. At the moment I'm getting involved in local issues in my area and trying hard at work and also planning the most fantastic holidays. It doesn't mean that things don't hurt. For example, both my cousins who are younger than me are expecting babies this year. This means I've been skipped over and my mum will be the only one of her sisters that isn't a Gran. But heh, you can either dwell on it or think - that's really sad, BUT I gotta keep on living, man!


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## Suzie (Jan 22, 2004)

hi ladies 

just wanted to add from someone else at the moment living childfree that i have learnt to allow myself the off days too  i used to think that it was a sign of weekness to let it get to me when i woke up in the morning but now realise its not and if i want to have a bad day and think that life is unfair then i do  and the good days are outwaying the bad so cant be too harmful

love to you all
suzie xx


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## lucysmith (Oct 12, 2004)

Hi Suzie,

I agree. There's no point trying to put a brave face on everything all the time. Another trick is to watch Eastenders. Their life is always so much worse than ours!! (even if it isn't real!!!)

Lucy
xxx


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## larkles (Jun 29, 2005)

emcee said:


> Hi ladies
> 
> I've come to the conclusion there is no way of accepting this. Its just coming to realise that one day, things don't hurt in the same way any more... and like anything that has been lost to us, we need time to grieve before we can begin to heal.
> 
> ...


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Jen
I didn't think you were being heavy at all - I have a strong interest in the paranormal and reincarnation and all of that myself, so could understand what you were saying there. (Now who sounds like loopy Lou)?!
No magic answers for you I'm afraid, was sat here nodding my head in agreement with what you had to say.
Lovely to hear from you - take care
Love & best wishes
Emcee xxx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi Jen and Emcee
I was very intrigued to see what you had written Jen....like Emcee i am also interested in reincarnation and and the paranormal...i understand when you said about your expereince and i also believe there is a reason but the answers are not always made clear straightaway...
I find that having these spiritual feelings that i maybe destined for other things gives me a little relief of knowing there will be an answer one day...
Its the inbetween feeling and i hope Jen that all goes well for you, as i know its a difficult time....
Emcee thanks for your input and Flipper with what you have written...because it is certainly helping me to look forward and as you say what better place than to share it here amongst lovely people who understand...
I apprieciate your input and thanks..
love astridxx


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## lilacbunnykins (Mar 15, 2005)

im sitting here crying because what seemed my one last chance of being a mum (fostering)has gone,because of problems with my hubbys ex last year and us being involved with social services(she was abusing one of his sons)we have been turned down for fostering.adopting,i cant have children naturaly as lost both tubes to eptopics,my only chance is ivf,but then theres no gaurenty there either,i just cant accept ill never have a child in my life,its so hard,what makes it worse my friend who is 41 is 4 months pregnant,she thought she was going through menopuase,she has said she wants me to be its godmum...i cried my eyes out when she told me and am still finding it hard,she does not live near me so its not so bad,but i opened and email from her last week and she had sent a scan pic of the baby.....i just cried my eyes out...she dont understand what im going through,this is her 6th child!!!just how do u accept it..!!!never having a child !!!


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Lilacbunnykins,

I'm so sorry to read your difficult posting.  This must have been a huge and devastating shock to you I'm sure and it must seem as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now.  I can only begin to imagine how you must be feeling.  Frightened I'm sure being just one of the many emotions you are feeling at the moment.

I often panick about childnessess and I too amd finding it all so hard to come to terms with.  There are no easy answers here I;m afraid.  I think all we can hope for is to find our own way of dealing with things.  At the very least, this will maybe give us some sense of control.

Whether that means you need to "distance" yourself from your friend and others who are pregnant/have children, or whether you throw yourself into getting involved with other peoples children to try and make up for some of your loss is up to you.  Things are extremely raw just now and you need to concentrate on looking after no 1.  If people don't understand your need for self-preservation when things get too difficult, then maybe they're not the people you perhaps thought they were.

I am always astounded at the people who have sent me baby pics/e-mails over the years.  It really does rip your heart out - again and again and again.

I don't think this pain will ever go away but hopefully in time, we will learn how to deal with it and feel stronger for it.

I really hope you find peace soon, whatever you decide to do next in life.

Sending you a huge HUG 
All my love
Gill xo


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## lilacbunnykins (Mar 15, 2005)

ahh thankyou for your reply,made me cry ,suppose just knowing u going through it too(dont mean the horribly)helps,u gone through so much more then me,so cant imagine how you must be feeling,my hubby already has 3 boys so dont think its affected him so much,must admit we dont realy talk about it,sadley we dont see his sons because his ex wife has turned them all against us(they all have special needs,so anything she says they believe)..as for freinds kids,well im auntie to quite a few lol,i love spending time with them ,got loads of games here and in the summer i brought a massive paddling pool(for me realy lol to sit and drink me wine in)as they love spending time in it,must admit two of them are 6 and 7 and they are a handfull,they stayed over once and was a nitemare..ahh was glad to hand them back,its times like that i think im glad i not got any kids...and the getting up early to get them all ready for school!!!see im trying to think positive ,if you can call it that!!!but we do get involved with friends kids ,they love me to bits which is great,so suppose i just got to make my bond with them a bit stronger,to make me feel better i suppose...oh this prob sounds confusing lol,but seeing things bit clearer then last posting,still not easy ,but hopefully i will get there..


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

HI lilacbunnykins
I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time....
You must be in such turmoil and i can totally empathise the feelings and emotional pain you are going through at the moment. I hope that you can find the support from your partner/family because you will need to talk to someone to deal with all your emotions at the moment..
As far as your friend is concerned that was so insenstive of her to send a scan picture, but i am sure some friends or family 'just do not get it'. It doesn't matter how much you think they understand the penny does not always drop. The most important thing is that you protect yourself from any hurt or pain and just think of yourself at the moment because you need the tender loving care..
You know where i am if you want to chat...
lots of love astridxx


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