# So Stupid GRRRRRRR



## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

I am so stupid,    i could wait no longer and took a HPt actually i took 3 just in case  at 9 days post fet....NEGATIVE....I'm devastated...why oh why did i do it....although i do think its a true negative....cant believe i now have to leave my fiance in 8 days and return to work in South Africa with no pregnancy to look forward to and face everyone there to say it didn't work...My faith in god is being tested to its limits lately   .....we have had so much sadness in our family this year and everyone has been rooting for me to close this year on a positive note .....xxx


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## vixter_1 (May 30, 2011)

Hi Clarabell

Firstly I will say it could be a wee bit early but I don't want to give you false hope. When is your OTD? I really know how you feel, a lot of us have been in your position - I've had 3 transfers of 7 embies all resulting in BFN and the pain is awful. I did get my first ever BFP a couple of days ago so I'm proof that, somehow, you pick yourself up and try again. My DR says its a lottery and each time you have to be in it to win it. It's so painful when you loose but, sometime, I hope really soon it'll be your time. More than that I hope you tested too early and there is still a little bit of hope this time round.

Take care of each other

V x


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## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

Hi my OTD is the 2nd jan.....i feel like my heart has been ripped out...i knew its was a high risk it would work but from the second they were transferred i got instant protection over them...thank you for your kind words xxx


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi clarabell

So so sorry for you.  I too had a BFN this morning. There are no words to describe the pain and feelings that you have been let down.  I felt like my  embryos were my babies.  I wonder why we put ourselves through this.  my husband wants to try again but I dont know if i can face going through all the emotions again.  You must test again on Sunday it is only wednesday so there is hope, if only a thread.

Take care,  i feel your pain and understand.
Big hug

Janey
xx


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## dinkydott (Feb 18, 2011)

hi clarabell, so sorry to hear you news, i had a bfn back in aug, and it felt like no other pain i have felt, 
im now starting my second cycle and you do find it in your self to pick your self up again, ivf is a rollercoaster and the roll of the dice,
spend time with dh and family they will all be there for you,  

im also with the others and re test again sunday, dont give up


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## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

Awww Janey i feel your pain ...i really do....i feel quite empty...my poor other half has had to put up with me so sad all day...didn't help when he said something funny and i didn't laugh...lighten up will you...was his response...he felt the wrath of my thoughts...bless him...i know he meant well.....we are now in discussion of our next move...being away all of the time makes our choices and timing so difficult to sync....i think we will go straight for another try. But financially after that I'm not sure where we will be....Claire i wish you so much luck for your next try and pray you get a BFP xx....i will re test on sunday and probably a million times before that too lol......Ive tested so many times today that i had to burn the evidence on the fire while my fiance is out, he has no idea how many HPT Ive gone through   What makes it worse is that my whole cycle was medicated so my AF will not come until i stop the medication on day 14.....quite a scary thought , it feels like i will be giving up somehow...very odd...of course i am totally mad so not thinking logically...I'm sure time will heal....I have always been a faith can move mountains kind of person,...we travelled for 15 hours in the car to visit Lourdes in the summer as my brother was given only weeks to live and we knew our ivf would be coming around...i prayed so hard...and i lost my brother a few weeks later....my faith is so being tested today  .
I will try and remain a little positive until my OTD and will let you know the result...thanks guys for the support xxx


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## dinkydott (Feb 18, 2011)

clarabell,thanks darling,
oh sweeti, im sending the   round, stop them pee sticks now, tell sunday, also i have heard only the wee in the morning is the best, so doing them later on in the day will not give you true readings, shame if after sunday you still have to take meds,
i had to stop mine right after i told clinc, then af came day after,

so sorry to hear about your brother also,   .....i lost my dad few years back and you just think life is out to get you,when you think there is more bad news, 
faith hey....iv got none, but i do have hope and so should you,
and what dont kill us makes us stronger, 

we will always be here for you, and if ever you need a rant, cry or even a little chat im here, ff is a god send sweeti, and you not alone, you will never be alone, xx


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

Wow the support on here is amazing.  Ladies you are beautiful, dont forget that, and you are loved by many people.  Clarabell, you've been through so much this year but it will make you strong, even if you dont feel it.  To loose your brother must have been awful, how did uou deal with it? 
Keep posting.... Even though Im not sure what my next steps will be I will def still post and support you during your next cycle.

Good luck hun, sending you the biggest hug and praying that God will send you your miracle soon

xxxxxx


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## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

Ahhh Janey he had cancer, i found out while i was in South Africa.....we live in France but all of my family live in the UK....i am one of 7 kids so i felt so left out when he got the news, As time progressed it spread and so i made an effort to get time off and fly back to the UK to see him...i didn't even recognise him, I flew back to SA and received the news a little while later he had passed away....i couldn't even get to go home for the funeral which devastated me. I recorded an album in his memory for the Macmillan fund and the family have had so many charity nights in aid of them...i have had to miss every one of them....i had the embryos transferred on his birthday and i was so sure he would be my guardian angel in Prague. i am so sure he watches over me tho. 

You are so right about the support on here, i find i say more on here than i do to my partner. My partner has 2 little girls from his previous marriage and i am so fortunate that his ex and i get on so well...and i love his kids to bits....one of them sent me an email yesterday and it was so touching for a 13 year old, they both know we are having ivf and they are so happy about it
this is her email...bless i love them so much

From Charly 

    Clare I am really happy that you are my step mum because you treat us like we are your own children and unlike some step mum you are very kind and caring. You are not a wicked step mother you are much more special than that I love you Clare you truly are the best step mum ever. This is one Cinderella that doesn't have to clean the house all day xx

I am very lucky that if all else fails then i have these 2 kids to love xxx


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

OMG brought tears to my eyes... Lovely lovely girl.  I am close to my husbands girls (in particular the oldest, she is a gem) We are lucky to have what we have but it doesn't take away the longing for our own baby. How I long to hold my own baby...... 
You have been through so much, you must already be strong. I am a firm believer in the spiritual side of life, even if I am not hugely religious. I am sure your brother is looking over you.  He is your Angel . He cannot influence what happens but he is there with you.  My best friend believes that babys are "made" when a spirit is released or ready to  join this world.  My husband says, good things happen to those whose wait.  It is not  our time yet but one day it will happen.
Angel hugs to you xxxx


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## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

thank you Janey....when i was 13 my head of year at school....Convent school too.....asked my to decide my future by taking my lesson options...i looked at her blankly and said....errrr , i just want to be a mum....she had no words lol.....i am as close as i can get and have been in childcare for 22 years and a nanny for the last 2...i am ready for my turn....it will work for us ...im sure of it and i wont give up until i have to xxx


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## Jen xx (Mar 14, 2011)

Hey girls

So sorry for what each of u are goin thru but just wanna wish u lots of luck with ur comin test,I tested 2 days before otd and it was bfn however I tested next nite and was bfp so really can change overnight,please try and stay positive and fingers crossed ul get ur bfp

Jenna xx


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## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

omg jen you have just filled me with new hope lol.....i really hope i have your luck...thank you...i know it wont happen for everyone...but glimmers of hope can keep people positive...thanks again xxx


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

Never give up Clarabell. You so deserve a BFP. Let me know when you do your next test

xxxx


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## Guest (Dec 29, 2011)

Hi Clarabell,

I am so sorry to hear about your BFN and how devastated you feel.  

Just wanted to share my story. My last embryo transfer was in Oct and I just 'knew' it hadn't worked; I felt exactly like I do when AF is coming and just wanted to get the cycle over and done with, so that we could move on and think about our next steps.  

So, I tested 4 days bef my OTD and it was a BFN. I was devastated, even though that was what I was expecting, and cried buckets. After so many txs and so many false hopes, it just felt like too much. 

Like you, I had to stay on my meds until my OTD but the day before decided to test once more - I don't know why- maybe there was some niggling doubt, or maybe I just didn't want to hear the clinic say 'negative' without having faced up to things again. Anyway, it was a BFP!!!   (and, at first, we were pregnant with twins, although one sadly left us at around 8 weeks  ).

We're now nearly 12 weeks pregnant and hanging on to every day. Ours has been such a long journey that I just want to say 'hang on' and please don't give up yet. You have tested much too early and, although you may still get a BFN on the OTD, it's by no means certain that your dream is over. 

Stay strong and positive and I'll be sending lots of good thoughts your way - from one early tester to another  

  

Jenny xx


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## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

you people are an inspiration....do you realise that....it is an amazing feeling when you feel like you have hit rock bottom to have other people who you have never met say things that can make you feel so special and so determined....i have woken with a new outlook on life and in general I'm quite a positive person but this tested me to the limits....i got dressed, make up on, and we went shopping in a place called cap 3000 in Nice France...my partner feeling the need to protect me...kinda gave me free use of his credit card typical when men don't know how to fix things bless him....but His eyes lit up when all i bought a clear blue digi test and said....ill do one more try on my OTD....he knew i had given up hope on it all yesterday and it crushed him....he keeps walking past and talking to his babies...saying ...i know at least one of you is comfy...proove mama wrong......  . so today I'm being positive and of course if this does not work we will try again in feb.....We will get out BFP somehow...i know it xxxxx
Again thank you to everyone xxx


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## dinkydott (Feb 18, 2011)

clarabell.....good for you sweeti, big   and sending you    all the way to france, xx


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## Janey E (Dec 20, 2011)

Wow thats what you call inner strength and believing in your faith.  Made me cry (keep doing that this week!) Good for your girlie, maybe we should all take a leaf from your book when it comes to being positive (and have a partner like yours that takes you shopping!!)) 

Janey
xxxx


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## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

Haha Janey...he is a gem.....bless he works so hard to pay for all this treatment...and i leave him for months at a time to run the business...see to the house...look after the dogs etc etc...he just gets on with it.....he is my toy boy lol.....I'm 38 and he is 33....when i woke this morning i thought to myself...2 years ago we lived on a run down council estate...i had just had spinal surgery and had to leave my job as a nursery nurse on maternity and Wayne was finding it hard to get back into work after loosing his job as an electrician...so i posted some adverts on a website for Monaco looking for work as a nanny.....i got a job straight away and moved to France....Wayne followed a few months later and we rented our UK house out found a beautiful villa here in France on the top of a mountain....got the dogs in the car and we have never looked back on it...Wayne now runs his own company here.....so i thought we have so much in life already and although it is still incomplete....if i can manage to uproot and start a new life..(.i still cant speak the lingo lol)...then i can dam well master the art of conception...and i will xxx


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## clarabell1973 (May 18, 2011)

BFN... ....oh well onwards and upwards xx..happy new year everyone xxx


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## sarah_2011 (Oct 4, 2011)

Oh my ladies, I have just cried reading your amazing stories ladies, and cried again reading the tremendous support offered to each other.
Clarabell - I'm so sorry that it ended in a negative for you, I was so wishing it wouldn't.

Take all the strength, goodness and words of support from this forum into 2012 and I'm sure you'll get you BFP

Take care of yourselves xxxx


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