# anxiety



## tinkerbell24

Hello ladies I just wanted to see if anyone else suffers with this or is it just me. Since my ectopic I had a tube removed a year later another one removed. I then had a cyst which went on its own and I felt that it was one thing after another and every time I felt ill or had a slight pain in my stomach I went to the gp or sat at home thinking is anything wrong with me, my partner tells me I panic and worry to much. I started to see a counsellor which I've now finished to get out all my problems. I started to suffer with anxiety my heart raced all the time and it worried me because sometimes I could be on my own when it starts and nothing sets it off so I started to panic something was wrong with my heart sill I know   I worry about everything. My mum has ms and I always worry and my Nan had breast cancer and a triple heart bypass and because of these problems in my family it scares me. I know it all sounds so silly. My anxiety I've always had really but not as much as I have now. I get scared when my heart races when I'm on my own I always thought panic attacks happen if your worried. I can just be watching tv and it can happen and as soon as I take a deep breath it goes away. Does anyone eked suffer anxiety and worries and how did you deal with it. I'm scared to go to the gp in case my anxiety interferes with ivf. I want to control it before ivf because I'll end up a nervous wreck I always worry about everything and its ruleing everything tahnkyou.


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## KateMart

Hi Tinkerbell,

I get something very similar and have had panic attacks in the past. I Found that Kalm tablets helped me, although you can't take these during treatment. 

Also, camomile tea can be quite calming, as can taking a decent probiotic regularly. 

I'd also recommend trying to find a way to relax such as acupuncture or yoga.xx


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## Molly99

Oh sweetie, it sounds like you are in a really difficult place.  I can understand your reluctance to go to a doctor, I worried about that a lot too.  I was more concerned about whether it would have an impact on potential adoption though, I might be wrong but I can't see why it could hurt your IVF.  If you have a nice doctor then it really might be worth just giving them a try and having an exploratory chat with them.

It sounds like you didn't really get a lot out of your counselling sessions, hopefully they concentrated a little on coping mechanisms and not just giving you an outlet.  I didn't really get on with counselling myself but I know that some are much better than others.

I found Inositol really helpful and it has positive fertility benefits (though it isn't suitable for everyone), I also started to do lots of relaxation things such as yoga and taking walks.  I did come out of it, so who knows it might have worked, I think that I also had to find a trigger to make me put in that super human strength to really want to do something about it.

I hope that you get some great advice.  Take care xx


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## Handstitchedmum

Hello Tinkerbell,

So sorry you are having a rough time. It's really good that you were able to spot the signs of anxiety, such as obsessing about illness. That's the hardest step, to be honest. 

It's so good you are seeking support on the forums which are filled with lovely, kind, experienced people. I urge you to consider seeking support from your GP. 

You clearly understand that it is important, both for the success of your IvF and for your well-being, that you get the anxiety under control.      Being pregnant can worsen anxiety due to the high levels of hormones. 

I've seen many women suffering from anxiety in all periods of pregnancy and motherhood; if left untreated it may get better but it also may get worse.  My friend had postnatal OCD. Another friend's untreated anxiety resulted in depression with psychotic elements, which sounds pretty scary but just means that her brain was so stressed it started smelling things that weren't there. There are some excellent GPs who really understand that what you are experiencing is very normal response to an uncertain time in your life. And even more people, such as physiotherapists, acupuncturists, ministers, and so on, who can help you with your plan to reduce anxiety.

You deserve to feel happy and secure at this time in your life. Reducing anxiety and stress will also increase the odds of success for your fertility treatment as well as give your baby a great start to life. There are plenty of fertility-friendly treatments for anxiety such as counselling or medication. Best of luck with whatever you decide. Xx


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## Val74

Hi tinkerbell, am sorry to hear you're feeling like this. You have had some good advice already I hope it helps you. I agree with everything said and also find that hypnosis/relaxation CDs really help. When amidst a panic attack, techniques similar to those used during flashbacks can help; deep, calm breaths, acknowledge its  a panic attack and will pass, take note of your surroundings using all your senses to keep you grounded. Another thing I did when I realised stress was taking over (for me it was being convinced I would be assaulted or murdered  and got to the point where I wouldnt even go walking alone!) was reduce external stimuli so for me that meant stopping watching the psychology/crime programmes I love, not watching the news etc. So even though theres not much you can do about your poor mum and nan perhaps there are small things that mayghelp, so if you're a Casualty/Embarassing Bodies fan or perpetual googler ban yourself for a bit.  And sometimes finding the emotion behind something and naming  it can help, lots of us can dress our emotions up in so many things they can get bigger than us and we cant even put our finger on whats wrong. Hope you feel calmer soon, let us know  how you're getting on.x


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## tinkerbell24

Thank you so much for your advice it was all really helpful. I'm glad I'm not alone. Val I also have worries about that too and it did stem from me watching the news and reading newspapers and now I constantly check my doors even though I know they're locked! I will go to bed and get back out just to check the cooker isn't on. It seems I'm paranoid over everything. I didn't realise until my partner said my moods are up and down and I always worry....I've even accused him of being elsewhere though I know he never would. I've had bad abusive relationship in the past which doesn't help. I seemed in a good place 4 years ago until my ectopic but I managed to pick myself up as I always thought I could conceive still until having my last tube removed then I just hit bottom. My partner doesn't understand it much and don't want to keep been moody & pushing him inxase he leaves. I'm good at giving advice and listening to others problems I always have been. People see me as always smiling never let anything get me down but behind closed doors I'm not that person but paint on a smile when I see people. Thank you so much for the replies I will try any method I can.  I know I should see my gp but I don't want it affect ivf in anyway if no method works my gp will be my next step x


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## Val74

Paranoia is awful. It's good that you can see it and how it's impacting you. I didn't at the time. Reading your post reminded me of how bad I got. You're not mad so don't go thinking that, you're just reacting to loss and, frankly with the ectopic, trauma. No more 'bad' programmes, take time to relax (Helen McPherson is good for IVF, Paul McKenna has a good stress one too), do nice things for yourself, one thing I learned the hard way is that you don't feel this sh*t for eternity. You still are that girl who helps others, she's just having a tough time and needs  a bit of looking after.    xx


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## Handstitchedmum

If I could 'like' Val's post, I absolutely would!


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## Val74

Thanks handstitchedmum, perhaps that's the only good thing about this most taxing of journeys is that it's us who can truly understand each others' hurt. Hope we're all looking after ourselves,   for us xx


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## MrsGorilla

Hi Tinkerbell and everyone

Wow, what a lovely lot us FF-ers are - we could set up our own counselling business I think 

Tinkerbell, the advice you've been given here is fab fab fab. I can't help but stick my oar in though with my own suggestions! I've been in a similar situation to you with anxiety and in the past have been on medication for depression. The fertility treatment journey DH and I have been on has tested me in ways I never thought it would. I love a bit of Bach's Rescue Remedy if I am feeling particularly wobbly. Inbetween times though, I couldn't be without my Headspace app - it is brilliant. Guided meditation, 10 sessions for free then something like £8 a month to have access to all of their meditations. I can't praise it highly enough, do give it a go if you can. The animations are fantastic too and sometimes if I feel on the verge of a wobble, just watching one of those can really help me out. Alongside Headspace, I have been reading "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer - it has been really really eye-opening. It is getting a little spiritual towards the end and God pops up a few times which, I must be honest, isn't really my thing but the overall theme of the book is incredible for people who sometimes just have too many thoughts. This is my favourite quote from the book: "99% of the thoughts in your head do nothing but freak you out." Ain't that the truth!!  

Good luck with finding what works for you Tinkerbell, it's hard but at least you know you want to do something to help yourself - that's more than half the battle


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## Val74

That app sounds fab mrsgorilla!! I bought a book once called Women Who Think Too Much but couldn't stop overthinking long enough to take it all in!!   Tinkerbell hope you're doing ok xx


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## tinkerbell24

Yes we could set up or own counselling sessions   

val I love your post its bought a tear. You've all be amazing and now I don't fell so mad. It's so frustrating how a bad thing or a few bad things can change you for a period of time. I have told my partner to bare with me at the moment. I don't seem to have support from family but in a way I think they may think I'm ok because of that smile I paint on. I've never been a paranoid type I've always been the one to let things go past me and carry on but now I feel backed in a corner where I darnt talk to anyone in case they think I'm after sympathy or talk to my partner in case he walks away. Sometimes when people come to me with problems I close my door and cry and think why can't people just ask how I really am. Last time I saw my gp over something completely unrelated she asked me how I am after my operation ect and I just broke down and that's how I got to see a counsellor. I think because all this happend a few years people think I should be over it all but because I never actually properly grieved its now weighing heavy on me but people don't see it like that. If that makes sense. I hope I do get to be the person I was and I will always continue to help others. I'm really glad this site is here its helped me so much thank you ladies x


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## Val74

You, of course, will get back to being the person you used to be, changed a bit and probably for the better though. I'm a lot older than you, 41, (who said that?!  ) and have learned over the years that sometimes you have to prioritise yourself. It sounds like you're a natural helper, probably the kind of person who ends up having someone random telling you their life woes in the pub toilet , sometimes though you just have to put yourself first. There is nothing wrong with sometimes saying to others 'I'm really sorry, I care for you deeply but I just can't do this right now' You HAVE to look after yourself. When you're the type of person you seem to be this is really hard to do because it feels selfish, but it's not. You have to take that step back sometimes, you can't be every thing to every person, especially if your own support is limited. And for most of us going through this support is limited because an awful lot of people cannot even begin to empathise, and those who can, with the best will in the world, will never truly be able to understand if they haven't been there themselves. You have been through an awful lot, you need to have that time to grieve.

Did you ever do anything special for your baby? Perhaps a private letter to them will help you grieve; it did me when I had significant losses; the pain of grief I remember was actually physical I was hurting so much. Still does sometimes. A special momento for you to remember your baby maybe, something that is significant and personal to you and your partner? And maybe, as Molly mentioned earlier, a different counsellor so you can be allowed to grieve safely. You have been through so much already and have IVF to come _but_ you and your partner sound good together, and tubes or not your chances are good. You're a good person, far from mad, and I'm sure will have a happy future in front of you.....even if it may not always feel like it. Helping yourself now will mean that when your pregnancy comes you will be in the best place to enjoy it as much as possible.

We're here if you needs us.  xx


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## Val74

And, p.s., the best thing I did was confide in a very small number of extremely _trusted_ individuals. They don't always say much but I know that they know that the smile is hiding a multitude of sins, they acknowledge it with their eyes and with very few words and, sometimes, that is enough to help, other times their hugs are considerably tighter than they would be ordinarily.  There is absolutely _no_ shame in admitting that it's hard and you may need a bit of help now and then, don't forget that.xx


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## tinkerbell24

Val thankyou so much your reply and 41 is the new 21 I've heard   and your completely right sometimes we do need to prioritise ourselves and I think that's where I'm going wrong I'm thinking to much of others and not thinking enough for myself. I have a Angel baby ornament for my baby and a candle, I also decided to have a tattoo quoted (with pain comes strength) not to everyone's taste and I thought about it deeply and it just makes me feel close to my baby like he/she is always with me. It seems there's only us who thinks of our baby when anniversaries come around and I spend the day quite moody...lots of choccys   and a feel sorry for myself day. The letter sounds like a good idea. In the past I have written things down how I feel. Sometimes when my partner doesn't seem to under stand I've wrote to him assembled as writting it down is easier than saying how I feel because I find that diificult without bursting in to floods and always turn it into a little to stop my tears. I've spent so Mich time mothering others I think it's time to mother me for a change. Hopefully I'll be back to my very unusual normal self soon and thank you so much for your advice you've been fab! X


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## Val74

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more positive and it's lovely to hear that you've marked your baby beautifully.  I think your tattoo sounds lovely, not everyone's taste I know, but I like them and have something similar with two little stars for my embies; nobody else knows the significance of it but I do.  xx

Thank YOU for making me smile!  See, you're helping others without even realising that you're doing it!   41 is the new 21, I'm liking the sound of that, now, let's find my eggs to tell them that and make them behave! 

Keep us posted on how you're doing and start putting you first once in a while. xx


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## Val74

Oh, and just because others don't mention your loss when the anniversary comes around doesn't necessarily mean they're not thinking of it. Sometimes people don't know what to say. Sometimes definitive dates don't register in others' minds like they do ours, naturally. But my friend lost her Dad and, even though I don't always talk about it, even though I'm _rubbish_ at remembering dates, I always know roughly when his passing was, and keep more of an eye out for her around that time, even though she may not even know it. 

Gnite xx


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## tinkerbell24

Val I'm glad I made you I smile. Woke up more positive this morning making my cuppa I switched on tv heard the news and took some breaths and even hummed to myself...not a nice sound   anyway all seemed to be working until I heard the word threat so I very stupidly decided to research threats in the world today and my gosh I wish I never had. I've always always had a fear of fire and wars since I was small and if I hear there's a threat to the world I will panic for months and everyone will bassically laugh at me and off course I turn it to a joke but deep down I'm seriously scared. I thought I'd grow from it when I was little but never did. Some worries I can control others not so much. My dad was attacked working as a van driver a few months back and I constantly worry about him what would I do if something happend to a member of my family how would we all cope ect. I know I need control these and stop worrying cause it will run my life. I know I'm doing it and I shouldn't but find it hard stop. I'm not as laid back as I used to be its strange how we change . I'm definitely going to take all your advice and control this and hopefully be back to a newer me soon


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## littlecat83

Hi tinkerbell

Ergh anxiety and panick attacks are terrible things. I've suffered from them mildly ever since I was about 9 (yep I started early!) and went through my worst bouts at the age of 20ish then 24/25 and again a few years later. Like you I also worry terribly about world crises and how they are affecting everyone and don't get me started on health epidemics. Remember SARS? At uni I quarantined myself in my boyfriend's bedroom and announced I had it. Talk about your drama queen lol. People kept coming in and offering me soup or wine (probably would've helped) and I was all 'noooo don't come in, save yourselves!'   Then there was the whole bird flu thing. That started off major panics again. Oh dear. I have to laugh about it really, as I can see what a silly person I'm being.

At one point I did go to the doctor when I was about 24 and she recommended a counsellor or medication. I was up for the idea of counselling but never got referred, guess the NHS wait lists were too long. I've never been up for the idea of medication for it as I'm not depressed and find I can manage it myself. I don't want to be reliant on anything like that. 

About three years ago I went through my worst period, very dark and anxious, crying on the way to work, just couldn't feel light at all. This was even before all the infertility stuff. Honestly my laughs felt forced and I just felt really crap to be honest. I got through it by watching a LOT of comedy on TV (Big Bang Theory was my favourite at the time). I was getting to the stage where I honestly didn't know how I was going to move forward next and think my boyfriend and sister (both VERY patient) were at their wits ends but I went to one session of meditation at the Buddhist centre near where I live and honestly, it was like my brain was re-set. I think it just gave it a couple of hours out from the swirling thoughts that kept charging around my brain and I felt so refreshed. Yoga also really helps as it's a routine you can do where your mind is quieter as you're just trying to think about what your body is doing and not your brain.

I've also heard that 'tapping' or cognitive behavioural therapy can really help with anxiety. Look it up! Haven't done it myself but know people who have. Fresh air and clean healthy diets can also help your mindset as well. Things like smoking, alcohol and sugar don't really help as they unbalance your body (saying that I'm still a sucker for red wine   )

Good luck and remember to be kind to yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## tinkerbell24

Little cat your first paragraph made me chuckle   I know it sounds silly when we talk about our worries and fears but to us its very much real. When I tell someone a worry and they laugh at me I kind of have a giggle aswel and turn it in to a joke but the back of me is saying I'm very much serious.

The counselling sessions I was only aloud 12 and if I needed more I would have to be put back on the waiting list and that meant the possibility of a different counsellor she gave me good advice and on my first few sessions I was always in tears and when I left I felt a weight had been lifted but after time it comes back so I do think it's just a temporary fix for me and bassically just someone to talk to. I was given anti depresents years ago and I only took 2 cause they made me feel physically ill and like you didn't want to rely on them, I was given them before my counselling and never took them my gp actually said this will help take the edge off but I really wanted to do it myself like before but for the life of me I can't remember how I pulled out of it before. I know news and papers make a mountain out of a mole hill but for people like us it sticks in our heads. I've read about yoga and have popped a app on my phone so might try it tonight it the comfort of my home


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## Guest

This is such a nice thread, I had to butt in and say how nice it makes me feel just seeing people being kind to each other like this & supporting each other like sisters  
 to you all xx


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## littlecat83

I agree Merlin. So nice to be able to support each other with all our problems and worries.

Tinkerbell - is the app 'Simply yoga'. If so it's really good i use it! There are plenty of free meditation sessions online too. Try find one called 'The mindfullness of breathing'. It's a commonly practised meditation and all it is is teaching you to relax and focus on breathing. Really helps when you're panicking!!! Let's kick that anxiety to the kerb.  

Val - you're totally right. Sometimes it is ok to be selfish. I'm the one in our group of friends that everyone goes to and I have one particular friend who has some very deep troubles, and when we were going through our last round of treatment I had to ask her if it was ok that I backed off a little bit to deal with my own stuff. She was fine with it, as any friend would be. Shows that if you're open and honest, and make sure people know where you are with your feelings then things usually turn out ok : )

xx


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## tinkerbell24

Merlin your right its a amazing thread it really is x

Little cat yes that's the app I'm going to give it a try and look at the one online you mentioned. I'll be doing it tonight as my partner is at work until 10 so I'll look silly on the living room without him giving me funny looks


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## tinkerbell24

Back again ladies and was doing so well   Words fail me sometimes I've been to help my cousin to decorate her 15 years old daughters room they know I'm slightly panicky they don't know the half and as we were decorating she told me how a women had told her there is an eclipse on friay bit also its been said could signal the end of the world oh my goodness I dropped the paintbrush quicker than anything. She and her husband were joking about it and I stood there opened mouthed   I didn't find it fun to say the least. As soon as I said it could be true they laughed even more   so needless to say I'll be in a coner Friday sobbing     I've not read the paper seen the news today yet someone always seems to have a great story to tell me x


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## Val74

Awww tinkerbell    I know it is easy to say and probably very hard to accept and absorb but there have been stories like that around since we learned to communicate. I remember the catastrophy surrounding the year 2000, yet nothing happens. Not to say things can't I know but it's very unlikely. No more news, crime, disaster programmes; you have permission to be clueless for a short while, and tell those around you to zip it for a bit so you can be positive! Google and printmoff 'Why Worry' poem, tongue in cheek take on worries helped me. Another is Desiderata 'Go Placidly Amongst The Noise and Haste.  Val xx


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## Handstitchedmum

Agreed about limiting sensory information. When I stopped watching the news and violent/thriller movies, my nightmares went way down in frequency. Counselling didn't help me as much as medication did, in the end. My mum has anxiety so I'm guessing for me there is a genetic component. I got by for a long time through a lot of methods, but by far the best has been meditation. It has taught me so many skills that have helped me manage the anxiety. I'm going to try that app, as I don't have the time to visit our local Buddhist centre or do my yoga classes.

There are lots of medications, so consider asking your GP to recommend a different one. For OCD tendencies, I think sertraline is supposed to be a good fit? You need to stay on it for at least three months to see the benefits.


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## tinkerbell24

Val I'm going to look at the poems tonight I'll do anything to calm myself. Last night a got the yoga app and some other apps I found was 'worry box' something my counsellor told me was to write down worries before bedtime and put them in a box and look at them the next day and Mark them as importance and question can you control this worry? Can you control if this situation happens? If the answer is yes deal with it slowley if no then burn it. I also found a cbt diary app so I'm going to give them all a shot along with the poems and hopefully see a difference x

Handstitchedmum the news I really need to cut out the news it makes me so nervous. I'm sick of sitting down and finding a worry. I go to bed and worry and something years on from now or what would I do if a fire happened in my house tonight? The next day I lock my doors and double check. I walk and look around me constantly. I see a man I cross the street. I get on a bus I panic. I hear a noise I jump a mile. 
I've been doing driving lessons for a few months now to help with interdependence but I even hey nervous doing that so that holds me a back a lot. I used to be a confident outgoing person. I was a great weight didn't care what people thought or said about me. After the ectopic I lost a lot of weight and my partner was always picking about how much weight I'd lost I've always been small and thin like my mum but the weight I lost was horrible. I'm gradually putting it back on but my confidence and dropped a lot. I even worry about confronation from day to day things. Seems really bad when I write it and read it back.

Sorry for the rant   New day so I will be positive


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## littlecat83

Eclipse over and we're all still here Tinkerbell : ) Hope you're doing ok today xxx


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## tinkerbell24

little cat that made me smile. We are all still here very very embarrassed face   feeling a bit more positive today x


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## littlecat83

He he!! Keep your chin up and have a lovely weekend xxx


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## tinkerbell24

Thank you have a good weekend yourself x


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## Handstitchedmum

Glad we are all still here! 

I experience existential depression and anxiety, and I find watching this helps calm and redirect me:






You may also find it a source of inspiration?

/links


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## tinkerbell24

Wow great video very calming thank you. Glad we all made it   one hurdle gone


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## Val74

made me laugh too that! Did anyone see much of it?! We drove up a mountain to see it, quarrelled, had a naughty squinty peep, saw very little and drove home in glorious sunshine, no moon e forced darkness! Have a good weekend everyone, catch you soon and glad to see you with real virtual smile tinkerbell1  xx


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## tinkerbell24

I didn't see much either just slight darkness. Have a good weekend ladies and again thank you so much for all the support and laughs


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## MrsGorilla

Hi everyone!  

How are we all doing today? Wanted to share with you all (and especially you Tinkerbell!) a "top tip" I found recently for relaxing - it's so easy!

You might have come across this already if you've been looking at yoga - it's a recommended move to do before you go to bed. You lie on your back with your legs up a wall, so you make an L shape, and you stay there like that for about 20 minutes. Super easy! I do this lying in bed with my legs up against the headboard, and then listen to a guided meditation on my Headspace app - I always sleep really well after doing this and I don't know about you ladies but I know that I always feel better and more resilient if I've had my sleep.

Hope this helps others like it's helped me 

Hope you're all having lovely weekends


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## tinkerbell24

Ooooh mrsgorilla I'll try that tonight my dp might wonder what the heck I'm doing though   but it's definitely worth a go thankyou x


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## MrsGorilla

Haha, oh Tinkerbell just get him to do it too! My DH loves it! It's kind of hard to get your bum close enough to the top of the bed to then swing your legs up (you'll see what I mean later on!), so I'm not a true L shape but my feet are up higher than my head and that's the main thing!  

I've been "working" through the Anxiety meditation pack on my app - it's been great. Lots of advice about just noting thoughts/feelings and letting them pass on through, don't try to resist or fight or grab hold of them, let them pass on by.

Loving all the relaxation tips we're all giving each other, we'll be the most Zen chilled-out fertility-frienders there are!


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## tinkerbell24

Mrsgorilla what a great nights kip. I decided to have a nice hot bubble bath with lavender (Nan swears by it for calming) I then watched a film with dp, then popped in my headphones to listen to some meditation, feeling very sleepy we went bed and did what you said. Dp did ask what I was doing   after explaining he got in bed with a strange face whilst I was in a  L shape   I normally find it so hard to fall asleep straight away but last night I felt really tired. This morning I feel a bit more refreshed hopefully nothing will stand in my way today. Thanks mrsgorilla x


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## MrsGorilla

Hi Tinkerbell,

Great to hear you had a good sleep  Nothing like a relaxing hot bubble bath is there? 

Hope everyone's having a lovely day today


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## littlecat83

Ooo I'm going to try that one! Also badger sleep balm is very very calming if you rub it on your pulse points and back of your neck before you sleep. Plus the picture is super cute.

http://www.badgerbalm.com/p-393-sleep-balm-natural-sleep.aspx

I find room and pillow sprays quite nice as well for getting the room calm and peaceful before bed xxx

/links


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## tinkerbell24

Little cat badger balm looks so cute! I'm trying anything and everything at the moment. My dp is a heavy sleeper already so don't want to knock him out even more   I'm using the L shape technique and listening to a meditation audio before bed. I've got so many apps on my phone. One is called happy habbits it has lots of audios and happy quotes I even pop some quotes on my calender to look at in a morning it helps a lot I found it helpful yesterday as my Nan had to got o hospital for a breast screening as she found a lump. Years and years ago she had breast cancer found my me when I small, I accidentally knocked and her and she noticed the lump and it turned out she had it a while, she got through that and 6 months ago had a triple heart bypass and now another lump. I read these quotes all day until she phoned me and she won't get the results for 2 weeks so needless to say I'll be constantly reading quotes throughout 2 weeks and told her to do the same x


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## MrsGorilla

Hi Tinkerbell and everyone

Sounds like your nan is a real fighter, Tinkerbell  

I hope the phonecall in two weeks is good news, it's good to stay positive, keep spirits up as much as you can. I hope you're remembering to look after yourself during this time Tinkerbell - stay well so that you can be there for your nan when she needs you xx


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## Val74

Some lovely things to keep you outta trouble tinkerbell!    you have some good news with your nan and that you're doing ok.   xx


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## tinkerbell24

Thanks ladies she's definitely a fighter I really hope it's good news for her she's been through a lot and she's my rock I've always been close to her. I'm trying to keep positive for her. 2 weeks is a long way to wait and she's on holiday in between so hope it'll relax her. Definitely staying out of trouble Val     hope all you lovely ladies are ok x


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## tinkerbell24

Hi ladies me again   I just really need a rant. Now this is going to sound immature and childish and so stupid and I know it does it's something you would do with your first ever boyfriend on a school playground. I thought I was doing so well with meditation audios and breathing exercises. Years ago before I met my partner he was with this girl more so a fling, anyway when we got together I found out my partner and her had been emailing now nothing in these emails were about meeting it was more so banter just one or 2 flirty texts. Anyway when I found out I went mad and said I want a man I can trust I've been in a relationship where I was hurt and I will not do it again. Dp apologised said he didn't want to lose me ect and we carried on we both made the decision to cone off ******** as people just wouldn't leave us alone. Now we all have a past and past partners and I obviously accept this it doesn't bother me. But I found out this girl lives at the back of my partners mum and in the summer it's uncomfortable I'm sitting there making sure he's not looking that way (I know so stupid) I did keep bringing up the emails and my partner said it's in the past move forward. Anyway at the weekend my partners mum wants a conservatory and turns out she's asked this women's dad as she knows him now I'm not a really jealous person but felt like I had a knot in my stomach. I was in a mood all day but didn't want to keep saying things to my partner as it's been 7 years since these emails. I think to myself what if my dp is there when the dad's there? What if she turns up? What if they see each other and they start to like each other again makes me feel sick and  So uncomfortable but I don't want my dp to think I'm too bothered about it it's been years. He said in the past he can't help who his mum's friends with and I know that completley. Tis is why no ******** is in our house so we can't see or hear anything. I know I'm thinking too much into this I always do and I'm sick of thinking about things that probably won't happen. And now been infertile it makes me think he'll wonder in time cause I can't give him a family. I say to myself if this happens he's not worth it and I'll be hurt for a while and then be ok but I need this feeling off insecurity go away Eleanor I'll push him away. Why am I like this now. He's said I'm the only one he loves but I feel like since my ectopic I've lost self confidence he knows that and basically can't do anymore to make me feel good. If I do get a tad bit jealous I keep it hidden until it goes away but I just can't shake this of at all no matter what he says. I need a firm telling off I sound like a teenager   anyone got any firm tips or stories to make me feel better and snap out of it thanks ladies


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## tinkerbell24

Well ladies bad news my bans results came back and her breast cancer is back, she's having a lump removed at the end of the month and radiotherapy for 3 weeks. She's still her cheery self won't let it get to her I was very strong on the phone but as soon as the phone went down I cried. My mum's worried as this is the 2nd time she's had it and my grandad had bowel cancer I've read we can be checked for the genes but I seriously can not face the result I can't do it. Would the cancer in my family ruin chances of off too? I've got so many questions for her and it scares me to death. I don't want see my gp cause I don't want the test and to be told I can't have ing through cancer running in my family I don't know which bored to post any of this on x


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## Handstitchedmum

I am sorry to hear the bad news    Cancer is a complicated thing, and having certain genes may increase your risk but does not guarantee you will get it. Genes can be turned on and off, and even when genes are turned on, the body may "catch" the abnormality in time and you notice nothing amiss!

If it gives you peace of mind to know your genes, there are tests. But they will not give you a full picture. There will always be uncertainty, except the fact that we will all, someday, die. That is sometimes a scary prospect but it doesn't need to be. I find mindfulness helps me to "let go" of my desire to control my own ending and identify things I can control, such as my diet or exercise or mental well-being. I may not know my ending, but I do have input into my story.  and whatever happens, I would like to face it with dignity and without fear (a lofty goal). 



Are you asking if your genes will affect your access to fertility treatment? Under NHS, there are not many restrictions where that is concerned. On the contrary, I think specialised commissioning may fund specialist tests to ensure certain genetic conditions are not passed down. Cancer genes may not fit the criteria; you will need to speak to your local commissioners to find out their policies.


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## Val74

Am so, so sorry to hear about your Nan tinkerbell. Really hope she's able to beat it without too much discomfort   bless her. I don't think you need to beat yourself up for crying, she's youq nan, you love her and you're scared; of course you'd be upset. I know it's hard for you when you worry a lot and sorry if this doesn't help but  as handstitchedmum said, cancer is so complex, it's like a cruel lottery. I've seen people fight it successfully, people lose to it quickly, healthy people get it young and wild living people live to their 80s/90s without so much as a peep from it. It's an awful conundrum  that can eat you up.  

As far as your DP's ex, I hear what you're saying. It's horrible having insecurities like that. Unless there's something you haven't said though there is nothing to suggest he is being anything other than honest with you. I wonder whether this is a control thing for you? That you're scared that she may end up finding out about your struggle if her father is there working. This situation c.n stir up so many emotions. I remember feeling actually crazy thinking DH's ex knew about our infertility, it's a fiercely intimate and private thing for us. Is it something similar for you? You have to trust him though, as you love him and would never do something  to deliberately hurt or deceive him you have to trust that he would be the same for you. Don't push him away inadvertently  xx


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## tinkerbell24

Thankyou so much for your replies they were both lovely my nan is so so strong I've just had her some flowers made and popped them over with a card inside she loves them and cheered her up.

Val you've hit the nail on the head with the ex thing I suppose I'm scared of our struggles coming out and she preys on that and tries to interfere. I'm not bothered about any other exes just this one because of the past messages I found but nothing since. None of us are ******** we both decided to delete it and I hate the site. I suppose at the moment my self confidence is down I feel horrible in myself and he tells me he loves me and pays me compliments but I never take them. I think if they see each other again will it trigger something I don't think it will but it's always there. His middle brother brought his girlfriend to see us for the first time the other day and ages really pretty which made me feel horrible. It's a no win situation with me and I can go days feeling ok and something knocks me down. I'm very old headed always have been. 

Thankyou so much for the replies I feel loads better if all eked fails this site gives me hope I'm not alone x


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