# Please adopters I need your opinion



## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

Hi all 

I have been on the auk site and I am feeling pretty overwhelmed and wondered if any of you could give me the value of your experience.

There is a thread that discusses an article in auk mag about a couple who's adoption failed and whilst discussing this there was a majority who described very very very difficult adoptions with children who had more issues than I would of expected as a norm.

DH and I do not think we are naive and we do understand the amount of trauma that our children will have faced and the difficulty's of the journey for them as well as us but one couple made mention that of all the adopters who had children placed that yr only 2 are still complete family's!! 

We have guessed that about 20 family's may have adopted from an average la and so this is just 20%!!!! 

This has really scared me as the last thing I would want to do is fail our children and put them through increased trauma! 

We are almost at the end of our HS and as yet have not done the "what will you accept, not accept or discuss!!" bit and I think it will be next. We have discussed this for hours and still can not agree as I have a tendency to accept pretty much everything in the view that I would accept these things if they were birth children. Yes I do know things are different for us but still I feel a huge amount of guilt attached to saying no to things that conditions or experiences of people and children within my circle.

Sorry I know this is a ramble and I hope it has made some sense but I am in need of something "although I am not sure what!"


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi Curvycat

Firstly, the majority of people using AUK are doing so because they need support, the ones who are having good experiences don't tend to post as much if at all.

When I first went on AUK I scared myself silly and this was before we started the ball rolling so I stopped going on there.  During HS I started going on there again more for curiosity than any form of need.  18 months into placement and I don't post, we have as normal a life as most people with birth children 95% of the time but there is the 5% when we have to deal with PAS or letterbox that the adoption side comes into it.  Our DS, and the children of our friends who have adopted, do lead 'normal' lives but yes there will be children who cannot do this due to their background or health (or both).

As you are coming up to your matching criteria bit I would urge you to be completely honest about the issues you as a couple can deal with, also bearing in mind what would happen to the children if anything happened to you - could your family cope with the issues or would the children end up back in care?  I know that is morbid but when children are involved you do have to think about every situation.  There are some things you will want to say 'no' to, don't feel bad for doing this, there are things you will say yes to because you either have experience of it or have signed up to it with adoption, ie abuse, neglect, learning delays, but I would say the majority of them you will say 'will discuss' to as the ranges can be so huge, ie needs glasses to completely blind, mobility impairment to being unable to walk, partial hearing to deaf.....etc etc etc

By doing this you are keeping your options open but are still able to say no to any potential link for any reason.  Some just don't feel right, some will have too many issues for you to cope with or the wrong mixture of issues for you.  No one wants to say no to a link but it does happen and, from personal experience, though it is very hard to do it is always for the best.

Our LA have a very good track record of successful adoptions, can't remember the exact figures but only a couple have disrupted in the last 5 years so nowhere near the number you have read on that post.  If everyone has done their job correctly and you have been totally honest all the way through there is no reason why your match shouldn't result in a happy family annd successful adoption.  Sometimes things are not known by SS about children or medical histories, some may say things are sometimes 'hidden' but I don't know how true that is, and sometimes things just become difficult as the children grow up and learn more about themselves.

Not wanting to give bad press to older children but they obviously have more memories and are likely to have suffered more than a younger child and these could then be more at risk from disruption.  

We all have to accept a level of uncertainty with adoption and having been in the position of having to turn a child down and then finding my DS, I do believe you get a feeling when it is right, maybe not straight away but answers to your questions wouldn't be a deal breaker.

Never feel guilty for saying NO to something, SWs need you to be honest about this bit in order to prevent disruptions as the damage that would do to you and more importantly the children would be huge.

Good luck with the last stages of HS and panel, after that is when the waiting gets hard!

OT x


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## Boggy (Dec 13, 2006)

Hiya

Sorry you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, I think we all do at times in this process  

When we were at your stage, my DH put a block on the computer so I couldn't access the AUK site, reading it was making me ill, seriously putting me into a depression and anxiety place I'd never been before.  I think it was because at the stage everything is still "if" and I'm the kind of person who looks for things to worry about.

DH lifted the block once we'd been approved, and now I'm on it a few times a day, though very rarely post. If I do then it's generally about my DS's medical condition, or I give factual advice to people about the process.  I'm careful not to ask about certain things that may be worrying me as I may not be able to cope with the response!  

I heard that the statistics for disruption were 1 in 5, so yes 20% (in a group of 20, this would be 4).  This is for school age children, it's much lower for younger children. 

As for the accept/not accept list.  Like everything else in adoption it's best to be honest, but also remember that you will get to read the child's profile and after reading it may feel that you could take something on that you'd have previously said no to.  On paper my DS's medical issues were very negative, the reality is no where near as bad. 

It's worth it in the end, honest!  

Bx


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

Fab advise OT & Boggy as always  

DH has banned me from AUK    Whilst it is informative at times it does give a very dim view of adoption on a whole and as a prospective adopter I can remember being very put off by alot of posts. I think OT is very right in saying that most of the succsessful placements get on with normal life and don't feel the need to look on the website let alone post. 

Hope that reassures you somewhat


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## fuzzywuzzy (Sep 3, 2009)

Hi, I would agree with all that has been said above.  I do go on there and read but the more you go on the more you realise it is the same gang of people posting all the time.  Sometimes I get the feeling they try to put people off on purpose, although I'm not too sure why they feel the need to do this.  Just pick and choose what you read.  Speak to your sw about your LA's disruption rate.  We're with a VA and they've only had one disruption in the last 5 years or something like that.  Disruptions are rare and the main thing I think is to be honest about what you can take on.  Yes, there will always be the unknown but there is a spectrum of issues, not all children are as traumatised as others, some children are more resiliant than others.  Don't let it put you off.  There are times I want to type replies on there as I get so sicj of reading the constant lectures about "the reality is different to prospective adopters' expectations".  Nothing can really prepare you for going from no children to suddenly having children, there will always be some level of expectation and to me expecting the worst is still an expectation surely, and not necessarily in the best interests of the child?  As OT said, generally adopters post on there when they need help.

Anyway, pity the adopters who go on there if they are going through a disruption - the things they are saying on there are hardly supportive are they?


Good luck, you'll be fine if you can be as open and honest with yout sw as possible.

Fuzzy


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## Mummyof2 (Jul 31, 2003)

I agree with all the good advice you have been given on here.  Not sure I like the "my dh banned me bit though"   If my dh tried to "ban" me from doing anything I wanted he would get       We are all grown ups here and able to go on a site or not go on a site by choice.  Personally I don't have any problems with the other site and have never found any posts that were negative but perhaps I do not go on those topics that sound "scary" to read what is written so those kinds of stories pass me by.  My experience of adoption has been very good personally.  

Re parents getting badly damaged adopted children - I have been to about 5 large, organised functions for parents with adoptive children and I have never seen anything other than a group of happy, noisy, excited children with a group of frazzled, harrassed parents, who are just like any other group of parents and their children  

We all feel guilty when we say no to an issue on the choosing section re a child but the reality is that bringing up a child is very hard work.  It is tiring and time consuming and difficult.  There are lots of rewards as well but it is not easy, especially when they start to push the boundaries and shout "no" at you.  This is perfectly normal behaviour for a child but not easy to deal with if you weren't expecting it and are feeling tired or down.  Added on top of that a child's possible extra emotional problems or physical problems and you have a minefield of worries and difficulties to cope with - yours and theirs.  It is for this reason you need to be totally honest what you can and can't cope with and the age of the child.  It will be much much worse if your placement breaks down and the guilt you feel then would be far more than saying no now.

Your sw doesn't just ask you what sort of things you feel you can accept in the child you adopt - you are handed a sheet with a long list of conditions written on it and columns, at the top of the columns is written yes, no, possibly.  We had far more nos than yes and as a result our ds2 has no emotional or physical problems whatsoever (so far). You need to sit down with your dh and go through the list of what you can accept or cannot - perhaps photocopy it so you have a copy each and do it separately and then come together and discuss your reasons for saying yes or no.    

Parenting is hard work and nothing prepares you for it.  You think you know how hard it is but when you have a child you realise how hard it is.  Is our DS2 a little angel?  Yes when he is asleep    He is domineering, demanding, strong minded and very hard work but he is also loving, kind, trusting and wonderful as are all little ones at his age.

Best of luck


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hiya curvy cat  

i can remember feeling the same way as you when it came to deciding on the matching criteria. we had said no to alot of the options but when we discussed them with our sw'er she obviously said what someone else mentioned that for example eye problems could be glasses,turn,blind etc etc.  so alot of our no's were turned into yes's.  again as someone else has mentioned when you read a childs profile things that may have bothered you might be ok.  when we heard about our 2 girls, they said the youngest had only started  walking in may this year and was having difficulties with her walking, she walked on her tip toes etc. that concerned me abit, but honestly - you have never seen anything like this!!! smiler runs everywhere and hardly ever falls down. her walking is perfect! again both girls have turns in their eyes but nothing major.  to us, they are perfect! 

try and not get too down about the matching criteria etc. when the time comes its ur sw'ers job to ensure you and your dh are able to cope and take care of the child and also whats in your best interest also.

best of luck sweetie. x x x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hiya

Hope the replies have been able to reassure you, it starts to get a bit more real when talking about children and their needs.

Just wanted to add, my DS's report was really negative about attachments and behaviour but we took the fact it was 4 months out of date, the age of FC and various other things into account.  Something just clicked with us when reading his report and when we met the SW she updated us and things looked better than the report stated but still the worry over attachment and behaviour.  There was nothing else so we were happy to deal with these things but as it turned out, DS attached really well and quickly and his behaviour (to date) has been no different from any 'normal' child.

We are just starting again for number 2 so it can't be that bad! 

Good luck
OT x


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## curvycat (Apr 8, 2008)

thank you all so much 

You have calmed me down and taken me in to a far nicer place  

I am the sort of girl who likes to know what she is to expect and hates uncertaintly and so as you can imagine this process has been kind of tough and I have managed it by trying to tune it out somewhat  

But now the end is getting closer   I think the reality is hitting me again and although I am definately not getting cold feet I am definately scared stiff! 

I do find that some of the stuff on AUK is very helpful but some of it is also pretty extreem i.e pet cats being killed ext and I think that I have seen a lot of this over the last couple of weeks and driven myself into a major panick! 

I am now however please that there are some who are "mostly" enjoying motherhood


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

i think you've already been given some fab advice 
i just wanted to add..i think its really important to read read read and educate yourself about the different  behaviours that adopted children can present, attachment and medical conditions..then when you see childrens profiles you can gauge what sort of problems might be implicated..alot of the adoption books have case studies and they are really worth reading
at one post adoption support meeting i went to this year a mum piped up 'we thought that past neglect was a problem we could easily deal with, much easier then other things like domestic abuse or a baby born addicted to drugs...if only we'd known what we know now...'  
Well if you do your reading you will know that neglect can have absolutely catastrophic implications for a childs development..i would rather have either of the other scenarios actually. I really couldnt believe anyone could be so naive, I can only assume she went into it all rather blinkered..
I read everything that comes my way about adoption, whether it seems relevant or not..i go on quite a few of the post adoption meetings because i feel if i only take one thing away then its worth it. Dh tho did say i was being rather enthusiastic going to one about teenagers the other day  i did take his point..i didnt go..figure it will come round again!

kj x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Totally agree with kj, read as much as you can about the different issues now so you can get some realistic ideas of what could happen.

Our LA do training courses, mainly for FCs and Workers but have allowed me to do them as well.  I am doing some in January that are totally unrelated to DS but I've always wanted to know as much as possible about things and as we are going again who knows what issues we will need to deal with then.  We also have adoption support meetings which often have speakers.  If you don't know already it may be worth asking your SW about any courses etc.

OT x


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