# Work-related troubles - am I being unreasonable?



## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

I know most posts that start with 'am I being unreasonable?' usually end up being unreasonable... but hear me out!

I'm a manager at work and have been open and honest with my team about my treatment. I started having appointments around the end of Feb/beginning of March and now I'm about to cycle (I d/r in two weeks). I thought it would be fairer to be honest about what was happening, and also easier so that I wouldn't have the stress of hiding anything. From the moment I called a meeting to 'announce' my plans, the other two members of my management team (assistant manager and supervisor) have progressively become more and more friendly with each other, and unfriendly towards me.

Most people are not friends with their manager and I do not go to work to make friends - while I get on with everyone at work, I'm there to do a job and to do it properly, sometimes that means correcting mistakes. Unfortunately, every time either my assistant manager or supervisor make a mistake and I correct them, they assume I am just making a big deal out of it because I am 'on hormones'. I'm actually not, yet.

The situation escalated this week because they took it upon themselves to go above me to my boss, and complain about me. They told her how much they care about me, and how they don't want to upset me. My boss then spoke to me, and said she was 'finding the right time to speak to me about this because [she didn't] want to upset me'. I fear I have been made to sound like a complete lunatic. It doesn't help that my assistant manager has been telling all of the staff that I could commit murder and get away with it 'because of the hormones', making me sound like a mentalist. It has been made worse because the pair of them have been chatting to each other about me, winding each other up about how 'on edge' they think I am. Now, my boss thinks I could burst into tears at any moment. The problem when people think you're crazy is that no matter what you do, they'll put it down to you being crazy. If they do something wrong, and I tell them, it's because I'm on hormones. I feel like an unfair picture of me has been painted to my boss and I haven't had the chance to respond yet.

I haven't even started treatment yet, so I really need to nip this in the bud now. If it were two men speaking about a woman undergoing IVF this way, he would be held up as being disgustingly sexist. Should it be any different when it's women talking about other women? I think I will be seeing my boss (she travels around) on Friday, and want to raise this with her. I'm not really sure what the best way to go about it is. I feel discriminated against, but I don't want to sound paranoid - and I'm at risk of sounding that way because they think I'm dosed up with God knows what. It's hard to look rational when everyone thinks you're irrational! It feels so unfair because going through IVF does not make you lose your marbles! It makes me wish I'd never said I was starting treatment.

Thanks for reading, I think I feel better just for having a rant. Any advice?


----------



## jo_11 (Apr 1, 2009)

OMG, it sounds like you're at school, not work.  How childish of these idiots    Sorry you're going through this.

Personally I've never told people at work, as I don't want to be judged/talked about, but you are where you are, and I assume - quite reasonably - you expected them to be grown-up about it.  

It sounds like your boss is just as bad tbh, and her approach needs to change, on the basis the culture is started at the top and cascaded down.  I would be quite stern, and professional (bordering on cold almost) when speaking with her, so she knows you're not hormonal/crazy and that you mean business.  She needs to have a word with the two witches; I'd insist on a verbal warning re unacceptable behaviour.  

I'm not sure if you can make any changes at work but I'd certainly be keen to split the assistant manager and supervisor up, for sure.  I'd also consider taking holiday/unpaid leave for your cycle, so that you can show a clear demarcation line between work and IVF, to mitigate any possibility of them thinking your work may be affected.  Just to take away any ammunition for them.  I'd equally consider telling them you've had to delay IVF until later in the year as things aren't right (any excuse!).  What you don't want is the stress of this on top of a stressful IVF cycle.  Btw, my 'hormones' have never been affected negatively by an IVF cycle (and I've had enough!).

I'd also be inclined to put this on record with HR, in case there are any repercussions (just as a safeguard).  It's borderline victimisation.


----------



## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

oh what a load of unneeded stress! i have been in a very similar position workwise not about ivf but in the sense of being accused of behaving irrationally in such a way that if i defended myself i'd prove their point and if i didn't it would look like agreeing with them that i was guilty. it's like an old fashioned witch hunt. 

i'd put everything down in writing, but i'd consider just doing that and mailing it to yourself and then not opening it..(that way you have a sealed dated copy and can't be accused of making stuff up later, when you ARE on drugs!) however then i would just get my head down and stay out of trouble, i'd think 'put myself and my treatment first' and either just call in sick or go in and ignore evryone and just get the job done. you really can't win this one and trying to could just lead to more stress. also bear in mind you might go *actually* loopy later on the drugs,and it would be a bit awkward to spend a fortnight arguing your case that you are of sound mind only to then not be at a crucial moment. i reckon take a deep breath, if they say anything, thank them sincerely for their support and concern (get good at acting!!) and then by your balanced, calm and professional attitude prove beyond dispute that nothing matters other than getting a professional job done... on the inside, put yourself first, on the outside put the business first and everyone else can go jump in the pool. 

good luck with your cycle x x everything crossed for sticky bfp!


----------



## flowerfaery (Apr 26, 2012)

Keep clear written records of any discussions you have about the matter, if you have a verbal conversation with your boss then make sure you send an email that goes something like 'just to summarise our recent discussion ...'

Is there someone you know and trust in HR to have a chat with so that your concerns are recorded?  I wouldn't go down the bullying/victimisation route at the moment, you want to nip things in the bud if you can not escalate the situation.  Once words like bullying or harassment get thrown about people become defensive and hostile and positions become more entrenched.  You need to stay very calm and try to get your boss on side, you can state that you are a little concerned about people blaming hormone treatment for any disagreement that has taken place when you aren't actually on any hormones at present.  That is a valuable piece of information because it highlights that your junior colleagues' perception is factually inaccurate here.

Do you have access to any kind of mentoring schemes for people in your industry or women in business?  I think it is your colleagues being unreasonable here, but I hope you won't be offended by me saying that you were rather naïve  in sharing such personal information with colleagues in this way.  It is likely to backfire and be used against you, but I'm sorry that you've found this out in such a harsh way.

I hope you can find a way forward with minimal additional stress.  If you are a member of a union then having a chat with an employment advisor can often be useful and doesn't mean that you have to take anything forward.  Getting senior support to manage the situation is essential though.  Good luck.

Flower


----------



## sarahsuperdork (Mar 12, 2013)

jo - Thank you! Sometimes, it's good to just hear that you're not being completely irrational. The more people around you think you're going crazy, the more convincing it feels and you can end up second-guessing yourself. I'm lucky that I have the luxury of controlling my own rotas so yes, I'll be ensuring that they never work together without me anymore. If I can't trust them, I have to make sure that I control the situation as best I can. I'm definitely taking unpaid leave for a week around EC/ET and then (fortunately) treatment should coincide with a week's holiday I already have, so I feel less pressure about the stress affecting my treatment.

goldbunny - I agree, it's very difficult (nigh on impossible) to win in a situation like this. Whatever you do, you look like they're right and justified in what they're saying.

flowerfaery - More good advice, thank you. Writing everything down is definitely essential because it gives me something to come back to later. Yes, I definitely feel naive. Lesson learned! It never fails to surprise me how absolutely vile women can be to each other.

We don't really have a HR system, so to speak. There is someone at our head office that deals with HR but in retail, it isn't really like a lot of jobs. I'll definitely be approaching the subject with my boss, and going about it from a factual perspective rather than an emotional one. I think by sticking to the facts - I am not yet taking any hormones, I have not asked anybody do to anything that isn't part of their job, I am still performing my job to the same ability - I have the best chance of coming out of this looking remotely normal. I just want it on record so that if the situation escalates, I've at least got something to go back to where I can say I was being completely reasonable and not hormone-crazy at all.


----------



## jo_11 (Apr 1, 2009)

All the very best; let us know how you get on.  And the very best of luck with your cycle


----------

