# dh very down in dumps!



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls, firstly have just realised that i am now a Gold member!!  That must mean i am on here FAR too much-lol!! 

Do you like my new avatar btw?

Anyway,it has taken me absolutely ages to get into site today and i have to go to a school carol service soon in the local Church-which will probably be freezing!!!

My dh is very down at the moment- as you know we have been thru a tough time in last 6 myhs with his dd- think its hitting him now! He didnt go to his work dinner (not really that bad as he has missed a few the 20 yrs hes been there). But he wouldnt go out for our usual meal to the golf club either. He did go to golf on Sat morn but was supposed to go to meal after which he didnt either.

I know i need to support him at this time but i am not very good around christmas time for the obvious reasons. He always was because dd was always there to celebrate far. Maybe this year he see how far she has drifted away from him/us and this is making it worse!

He then sometimes makes little jibes at me which upset me- to which i reply" At least when i am down/upset i dont DELIBERATely pick on you" - I just cry!!! 

Any ideas gratefully appreciated- i suggested we go away for a weekend in Jan(as a combined christmas/birthday gift) but he isnt really interested-and he didnt go away in the summer(rem i was in France with my mum etc).

He usually is the one who carries me i suppose but i dont know what to do for him   xxxx

p.s i probably wont be able to reply til tomorrow as home after carol service.


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi Irisheyes - firstly hope the carol concert went well  

It is soooo hard to see the ones we love really struggle with stuff and for me seeing a man really upset is particularly painful because so much of the time as you said, they are the ones carrying us and trying to be strong. I wish I knew what to suggest, but only you know your hubby and I just hope he'll feel able to eventually find the words to tell you what is swirling in his heart and mind, to help release a bit of his heartache.

As women we are lucky in that we have such easy and natural methods of being able to talk to others about almost anything (well that is especially the case with you guys anyway  ) and can get things off our chest (oh er just realised that sounds a bit dodgy   . . but you know what I am trying to say!) regularly and that helps things from getting bottled up, which is what can so often happen for men. 

When I have seen my Dh eaten up by the pain of IF and other things, and find him struggling to talk to me about it, I have written him little letters of support and left them out for him to read in his own time and space. Just words simply telling him how much he means to me, how proud I am of him and that I am there. I hope you find whatever method is right for you and your Dh.

Big hugs to you and your DH.

Love
Hippy
xxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx hippy, i think he was a bit better when i went home yesterday. My dh is also 10 years older than me(46 next bday) and i think he has got to the stage where he thinks" is this it?" with work,daughter etc. I do know how he feels as i sometimes feel the same.

I have written him many a letter in the past re how i feel/he feels etc - i know he is feeling it more at the moment as 2 of his good friends (one much younger and wives my age) have recently had babies and he is probably feeling down about that. We both hate the way our life has panned out and i think he feels he has failed me/ as i feel i have failed him. I will maybe buy a little card for him today.

I think  what he regrets most is the way our intimacy has declined over the years of tx etc . He sometimes refers to how great we were in the past but i just feel so exhausted with it all.We are still intimate but not 1/3 as much as we used to be. I suppose all the failures have taken its toll and deep down if i am honest i dont think i hold as much importance in the physical side as i used to.I know this bothers him. On top of that it is rather hard to "lose yourself" in the moment when a 15 year old is next door!!

To me its more important that i know he is there and feel safe. I also know that he is the one who understands how hard the tx route has been for us.I think he fears that when his dd is 18 i could just move on. i know i dont want to do this so why doesnt he? I am sure we will get thru this blip but it all seems like a constant battle.On top of that we will have many more announcements still to come in next few yrs with my siblings settling down.

Thanx for replying xxx


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Irish Eyes .....

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH.  Hippy is so right, somehow, it is harder to see a man upset as she said, they are normally the strong ones for us, carrying us through.

To be honest, I wasn't sure how to reply to your first post as I wasn't sure if you meant your DH was upset due to the IF stuff, or because of his DD ... or both.

But after reading your 2nd post, it appears it's more the IF that is hitting him hard perhaps, now that his DD is growing up and as you say, he may be asking, "is this it?"

Well ..... as Hippy also said, only you know him best and know how he reacts to things but .... maybe this will help a little.  This time last year, I was really shocked to hear my DH say he didn't want a Xmas tree put up .....

It was the first time in 8 years he had showed me a sense of "defeat".  I was dying inside for him but so shocked.  I suppose I took it for granted that he was always the "strong" one for me and coped "better" than me.  In a way, having to carry him through this bad patch actually made me feel a bit stronger and in control as I knew I was the only one who could understand him and get him through, having gone through it together.

Anyway, my way of trying to get him to feel better about Xmas was to remind him of how we used to enjoy Xmas before even thinking about babies.  I told him we used to be able to enjoy it then, so why can't we do it again ....?  I reminded him of all the fun nights out, the romantic Xmas breakfasts, the long-lies in over Xmas, being able to go out whenever we feel like it etc etc.  I know this is no compensation but I think it did help him a little.  I "forced" him to put up a tree and try to enjoy Xmas because I told him I'll be damned if this is going to affect us like this.  God knows it affects enough in life without taking the joy out of everything else ....

Like Hippy says, you know your DH best, but maybe a gentle reminder of how you used to enjoy things would help a little ...?  I do appreciate that it must be hard to be intimate with your SD around.  Maybe, (finances allowing) you could arrange a wee night away in a nice hotel somewhere, for a romantic dinner and overnight stay...?  I know you said he'd cancelled other dinner arrangements but maybe with you, it'd be different .... the pressure would be off him  ..?

I really hope you manage to get through to him somehow, you've been through so much together,
All my love
Gill xo


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## Hippy (Aug 2, 2005)

Hi Irisheyes - me again! Just wanted to respond to your sharing of how the intimate side of things has been so much harder since the tx stuff, as I can sooooo relate to that!!! I seem to have lost all interest in that side of things too, and just hope at sometime it will start coming back again because although it is lovely when we do, I can (like quite a lot of woman) also survive fine without it, but it does continually worry me that it has a big impact on my Dh and that he really misses me in that area, and I hate to think of him being denied yet another thing in life.

My libido just vanished during tx and has never really returned, and I am lucky if I feel in the mood even once in a month at the mo despite loving my Dh to bits & finding him deeply handsome etc. It is like someone switched off a button inside me in that area when tx finished and seems to be a problem with getting the ignition to start up again!!! 

I am going to try the wise advice of Gill   and maybe book a few romantic weekends away next year, to try and get this side of things back on course, but at present all I want from Dh is just hugs and his lovely company.  The not wanting the intimate side of things I feel is yet another scar from the tx failure i.e every time we are intimate for me it has that painful connection in my mind of what can happen for millions so easily but never for me. Despite knowing it is not physically possible for me to ever get preg, I still can never fully let go of the miracle thought and I think that is why I am currently avoiding the physical side of things because I find if I avoid it I can't then torture myself with that thought of what if the absolute impossible did happen, which I know is very selfish on my part and I have to force myself to work on this.

Glad I am not alone in this area hun, and hope we can both gently overcome some of this complex and painful issues in this area in the New Year. 

Big hugs
Hippy
xxxx


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Yes Gill i do remember last year that your dh didnt want a Christmas tree.I am so glad that your life has moved on and that you are strong together.

My dh brought all the Christmas stuff down from the attic last week.We have one of those "Santa please stop here" sighns that we put out when his dd was younger. I didnt really want to put it out as i bought a new cool snowman for outside. But dh went out the other nite and put it out  . I felt so torn as i know that sdaughter really doesnt care less about it anymore and i felt so sad for dh that i have left it there.  with the snowman.

Hippy,i am so glad you understand about the physical thing. Like you i feel that if i am not going to get pg then its too hard.We do go thru good phases eg when we are off work etc and have lots of time to relax but then we also have bad phases too where theres not alot going on! I do feel guilty but wonder if it will ever be the same as it was before this bloody rollercoaster!!! Like you hippy i also find my husband attractive and witty etc but i just cant help it having changed.I think i will book a night/weekend sometime in the new year-will see how it goes.

Thanx again for the kind words.


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## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hippy,

I would just like to add that you are absolutely not selfish hun ...

I can so relate to what you and Irish are saying.  I can remember bursting into tears much to my DH's horror, many times after having sex.  I just felt like such a failure and sex just re-iterated it for me ...

Like you say, it can be so hard not to relate love-making with baby-making and like you say, it is soooo hard not to "hope" for a miracle after each time, which is a vicious circle ...

Have you tried "sensate focus"?  I had some psycho-sexual counselling many years ago which encouraged lots of mutual massage and touching of genitals (sorry, TMI!!) but absolutely no penetration allowed.  The aim of this is to try and help  to bring back the "excitement" and "passion" again and, if done over the course of a few weeks, months, you may find, you can enjoy love-making again.

Avoiding penetration also I think, helps take the pressure off both partners for many obvious reasons including the crushing "hope" of waiting for a "miracle".  The sensate focus could hopefully, help to re-ignite the passion you once had for each other....

Maybe something to think about/try?

Good luck
Love Gill xo


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## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Gill,you dark horse!!!   Not sure if dh could handle that (no pun intended!!!) in that setting. Could try it at home tho !!!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

DEar Irisheyes
So sorry that i have come in late to your post!
I am too also sorry that you as well your hubby are having such a 'low' time at the moment. The trouble is the 'moment' tends to last a alittle long than we all would hope for!! this flipping IF certainly messes up all aspects of our lives.!
I can empathise why your hubby feels so down.It sounds as if he has come to a brick wall and his life has come tumbling down in front of him. I am sure that it all has got a bit tough for him and he is finding it difficult to pull through at the moment. The only offer that i can come up with is to talk to him. Write to him and just generally let him know that you are there for him. Its hard especially when we want them to be our rock for us...as Hippy stated. However over the years where they have supported us, they are bound to eventually come to a point where it hits them also. The one thing i can say is that he sounds a very warm and caring person. And because he does really care about what has happened and how your life has turned out. To me shows what a very thoughtful and caring man.
I can also see that he feels there is a loss where his SD is concerned. She is getting older and maybe letting your daughter go out in to the world, is a hard move for any parents. I also think maybe the age is getting to him and maybe he is going through that midlife crisis...
I also think when you mentioned the intimate sides of life...ours is crap also!!! i know this sounds awful but by reading all your posts i feel that this must a normal thing..i hate this about IF and how this has affected what was the highlight of our relationship was about (at the beginning before trying for a baby)...
Try and keep in there i am sure it must be so tough...my thoughts are also with you too..
love astridx


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Irisheyes,

You did say "any ideas"!!!!!

How about agreeing on spending some time without talking whilst this is an issue around your necks? (An evening for e.g.)  Not refusing to talk, but refraining from doing so? Sounds weird I know, but if you refrain from talking about the big issue, you have to communicate on another level, and that can let the care come through. Asking if the other wants a cuppa without words can make you laugh and break the ice!

I realise that my ideas may seem a bit doubtful. But DH has been here tonight and it worked for me again (till we can talk again about the big deals, which is essential, but I think talking will be more likely to be fruitful now we have made friends through wordless communication!) 

I don't know if this will make sense, but it is the only original suggestion I can offer!

Good luck and lots of love

jq


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## jomac (Oct 27, 2006)

Dear Irisheyes,
I'm sorry that you and your DH are having a hard time.
I do think that IF affects men and women in such different ways. I have found that I need to talk about it and want to talk about it seems all the time sometimes when my DH doesn't. It's easy for me to see this lack of talking as lack of caring. 
IF is something that tests communcation in arelationship more than anything.
I also agree with what everyone says about the sexual side of a relationship. There nothing like fertility treatment to put a strain on that. When you have to have sex because a blood test tells you you have to that's pretty depressing! I also think that lots of men find the process emasculating even if it's not them with the fertility problem. After all we women are more used to medical thinks - having to have regular cervical smears etc and when ( and I can hardly remember what this feels like!) we where trying not to get pregnant then I was the one who took the contraception. For a lot of men IF treatment is probably the most contact they've had with the medical system.
I always remember reading somewhere that the difference between men and women was that women needed to feel intimate in order to have sex whilst men needed sex to feel intimate.
Anyway take care.
Your husband Irisheyes is very lucky to have a caring wife like you to be there during this difficult time

Lots love  and marry Christmas to all

Joanne/Emma


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