# Coping with IF..and not turning into a right cow!



## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Hi everyone,

How do you do it? How do you cope with IF and not turn into a right cow? I have two best friends - one (J) had a gorgeous baby boy on New Years Eve, and my other best friend (C) is due in June. 

C and I went to visit J and her little newborn this morning - we bought gifts, I made cake, we hugged and chatted about labour and sleepless nights and how to remember which side you fed from last and all the time inside I just wanted to cry. Then it got worse as C began asking J about things you experience during pregnancy... I couldn't help but feel so envious, I swear if I'd looked in a mirror I'd have been green. I felt so jealous of what they were both experiencing, of a new bond to their friendship that I wasn't part of, and a sense of grief that it's not going to happen for me and my DH as easily (and naturally) as it did for them, and any chance of success for us is completely dependent on what Nationwide say in a couple of weeks.

I don't want to lose my two girlfriends, but at the moment I really don't know how to keep up a relationship. Part of me wants to cut all ties, hide at home, and only see my friends who don't have children (of which I have 1 - a single gay guy!) but the other part of me knows that I am going to need their support when our treatment starts, and (please god ) if and when we get a BFP I will need their experiences and tips.

Coping with IF effects every aspect of your life!


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## KandK (Nov 17, 2011)

Firstly    we've all been there!  The "right cow" bit had me thinking it was me that posted it    Of course it isn't easy to cope and it cuts you right in the heart when you walk by hugely pregnant women or ones pushing a little one in a pram.  Or you are the last one in your family/friendship group to have kids.  It is so easy to avoid everyone and hide in a world where everyone is like you.  The only thing that stopped me is trying to grasp something positive and think well when I get pregnant and give birth I want these experienced mums around me for advice!  Cutting out all your friends who have kids/are pregnant will just isolate you more when the time comes (and it WILL come) when YOU are pregnant.  Keep your chin up, vent here as often as you need to but let it go after that and try not to be bitter or resentful.  I always thought that well at least I can afford to get some tx and do something about my infertility, so many people out there just don't have that luxury.


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## Dory10 (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi Clairerianne

If I had the answer I think I'd be a millionaire!  It's so hard isn't it when all your friends seem to be moving on having children.  Not only do you not have as much in common as you used to but they have the one thing you'd sell your right arm for.

I have a friend due to give birth any day ( her third, since we've been ttc) and another close friend is 3 weeks ahead of where I would've been in my pregnancy.  I know it's going to only get harder as our due dates approach, she will be able to hold her little one and plan a future as a family but my and my DH will be left as always smiling fake smiles just wanting to get out of the room.  

I am now the only one of my close friendship group to either not be pregnant or have at least one child.  It's is such a horrible place to be particularly as we thought we were going to finally have our own family but there are so many people on here who understand exactly what we are going through and that helps.

Take care of yourself.

Dory
xxx


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

my gut reaction is to say 'just hide away' since that is what i did.... but actually, i regret it. Protect yourself - feel free to leave early, or say you have other plans, but as much as you can try and stay in contact, yes, it is so so hard... but i'm now pregnant and worrying that the friends i abandoned years ago because i couldn't cope with them being pregnant, will now have better things to do than talk to me, and i could use their experience and friendship but it may well not be there....

don't try and be superhuman, just remember it's not just you... it tends to seem like you are the only one who can't do things 'normally' but it's not, and if you have to take a different path to get to your family (ivf, whatever) then it just means when you get there you will appreciate it more.       

try keeping a diary. from every stressful experience try and find something positive and write it down. you can learn from their mistakes... when it's your turn you can be the one to make it look easy!


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## M0ncris (Aug 25, 2013)

Hi Clairerianne,

It doesn't sound to me like you are being a 'right cow' it sounds like you did brilliantly in a crappy situation.

I echo what the other ladies have said on here, use this space to offload, god knows I have.  Almost everyone on here knows exactly what you are feeling and have been there...

Do they know you are trying and having treatment?  I have a friend who has two children who I discuss it with and she asked me whether it bothered me talking about her kids... It doesn't but it was nice to be asked and also nice to be able to say to her, I'm dreading when xxx gets pregnant.

Give yourself time as well to get used to the new conversations and may be see the separately if you can as that will limit the pregnancy conversation.  Also, pat yourself on the back, it's incredibly hard what you are going through and you are doing really well.

You will get there.

GB, I would get in touch with your old friends.  I'm sure some of them would love to hear from you and would welcome the chance to share in your joy.  

Many hugs, and good luck with nationwide.
Mon
X


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## goldbunny (Mar 26, 2012)

i have, moncris, i just am not quite sure how far to push it without seeming a hypocrite, and once the baby is born, i don't know if they will welcome me with open arms or think 'she's got a cheek!'. guess only time will tell!!!


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Thank you all so much for the replies and advice  

You know it all in your own head really, and there are days when someone else would've posted this and I'd have replied as you all have, but sometimes you lose your own positive voice amongst all the emotion, don't you?

GB, you can open the door to renew your friendships - all you can do is try  

And Mon, my DH also suggested seeing J and C separately. They do know that we are heading for treatment, and they try and understand, but they never really can (and that sounds mean, but I feel it is true). I wish they would look up some of the things I've mentioned to them, like the hsg scan, so they know what's going on - but then that is selfish of me to think that when they have a newborn and a little bump - they have much more exciting things to think about! I resent it a bit though because I look up things they talk about, like the 16 week midwife appt to hear the heartbeat, what happens at the 12 week scan, etc, so I can understand when they tell me what's happening. (This, of course, does not always help me if I'm having a tough day   ) At least seeing them apart means quality time with them, rather than time with me sitting there as they discuss pregnancy stories!

Thank you all again so much, very nearly time for a cup of tea and Sherlock! (Chill out and relax time - much needed, very important!   )


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## keldan89 (Dec 14, 2011)

Hi clairerianne,

I know exactly how you feel. In oct 2012 we had our first ivf treatment & whilst I was DR I met up with my friends, one had a 5 month old, one had a 19 month old & was 4 months pregnant, the other had a 2 year old & was 8 months pregnant. After 2 hours of them all discussing sleep patterns, behaviours etc etc to which i just sat & listened as I had nothing yo contribute they finally asked how I was doing & I couldn't hold it in anymore & just burst into tears. Two of them left the room leaving me & my closest friend (the 8 month pg one!) crying in each others arms. I don't think they realised until then how difficult it is for us. Since then they have all been much more sensitive & I also try to get involved by playing with the children, that way you dont have to listen to what the parebts are saying, easier when the kids are older, nit newborns tho! I think after 9 years ttc I've also learnt to paste that smile on & I can hear my voice change with the strain of it all but I love my friends like you & would never wish IF on any of them

I think seeing then separately is your best option but also tell them you find it difficult sometimes so may need a bit of space. They are your friends so will do anything to help you, even if they don't understand what you are going through.

Xx


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## Bumble Bus (Apr 23, 2013)

Clairerianne,

I 100% could have written this post today, or one very similar!  I was on Skype with my best friend this morning and she asked me if I wanted to see her 38 week pregnant belly.  I gritted my teeth and said yes but I really really really didn't and it is a struggle to make the right noises sometimes.  I am pretty sure one of my other pregnant friends is upset with me for not showing enough interest in her pregnancy but it's just too painful for me to hear about.  I have tried to explain to them how angry and upset I am about my situation but I just don't think people can really truly understand if they haven't been there.

When I started my TTC journey 3 years ago I was the first in most of my friend groups to be TTC so my only gripe was that they didn't understand my frustration when it didn't happen.  How I long for those days as now it's raining pregnancies and babies and it's a lot bloomin harder now.

We have a dimension in that we are using donor sperm as my DH has none sadly.  I feel like when it's just the 2 of us, I am accepting of our situation and know what a fabulous Daddy he will be one day (hopefully) and I feel ok about it.  However, when I start to think of our situation in relation to my friends I get really angry.  "It's not fair" seems like a really babyish reaction aged 32 but actually it's NOT fair so I think it's ok to feel this way sometimes.  I think it is ok for all of us to feel rubbish about things when we are having a difficult time.  I want to feel less angry towards people but I also want to feel less guilty for feeling angry as I think it's probably a natural feeling.  

As you can probably tell, I don't have any answers but I guess just to say   to everyone and thank goodness for this fabulous place where we can at least talk about how we feel away from the annoyingly fertile!

x


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## Mzmaary23 (Mar 18, 2013)

I've had over Christmas an change of heart where as before I'd get really angry and jealous over the fact that so many people I know can get pregnant so easily and we are having to go icsi route, and then I was getting annoyed that some I know who do have kids and weren't looking after them right... But I'm now just concentrating on myself, my partner and my wee dog screw anyone else, I do have little moments where I think I can't cope, seeing pictures of people I know newborns or heavily pregnant work colleagues, but I'm now  when I'm down think I will be a mum and il be a bloody good one at that !! And I think what your feeling is completely normal for what we are all going through, and maybe if you can't face seeing them just chat via phone or text? As when you don't want to talk you need to text back


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## geegg13 (Dec 8, 2013)

Hiya ladies I couldn't read and run!!!
I also feel like a right cow at the moment my SIL is pregnant with twins we live opposite each other and I cant speak to her!! ive just had a failed ICSI and am struggling with my own emotions, I feel like she is boosting about her pregnancy and rubbing it in my face !! but truth is she is very lucky having a successful icsi first time on the NHS and we just paid 8k for treatment and it failed !!! 
I know the next 17 weeks will be soo very hard as I have no escape but to shut myself away feeling more and more isolated as the days go by !!!!! It is sooo bloody hard !!!!!


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## Froggy82 (Nov 8, 2012)

Hi Geegg,

Pregnant women in the close circle can be really hard to deal with. My SIL is pregnant and doing stupid things that could hurt her baby, and it drives me nuts how some people just don't seem to realise how lucky they are and how precious a little baby is.

But from what you're saying, your SIL had to resort to ICSI, so her path to pregnancy must not have been such a piece of cake. Easier said than done, but maybe try to think that she's one of us, that she's paid her dues. 

DH and I are about to spend 12,000 euros on a DEIVF. It sucks to pay all that money not knowing if it will work. It sucks that i will probably never have a baby that is biologically mine. IF sucks. I still feel bitter and jealous of people who get pregnant easily. I do my best to focus on my own stuff and I tell myself that it could always be worse. Difficult though not to be overwhelmed by all the emotions.

Hoping that our turn will come soon!!


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Oh ladies, another friend of mine, (not a super-close friend, but a good friend, you know what I mean) just had a baby girl on Sunday.
Her DH put pics up on ******** this evening and they've called her Bethany - the name DH and I had picked out if we were to ever have a girl. 

I know I shouldn't be so het up and upset about this, it's not like we were super close or are sisters, and I know it doesn't mean we can't use the name too, but it just brings everything up again, you know? Your internal monologue goes from "aw, that's the name we chose if we have a baby girl....if we ever get pregnant....if we can ever afford ivf....it's so unfair we have to go through IF...."  We all know how it goes!

Just as you think you're turning a corner, there's something else to trip you up.


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## misskitten (Oct 31, 2010)

hello ladies, 
I haven't posted anything for a while but this thread has really struck a chord with me today too. A friend had her baby girl today and has given her a beautiful name - one I love too. I feel really low about it, and the tears are only coming out just now as I write this. 
After my second failed cycle early last year I made lots of plans not related to having babies, went on a few holidays and put it out of my mind. I focussed on all the good things in my life. But since Christmas all the IF stuff has come to the surface again. I feel worthless and just so sad right now it feels like I'm falling into a hole. I feel sick with anguish and envy


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## geegg13 (Dec 8, 2013)

big hugs miss kitten xxxxxx


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## M0ncris (Aug 25, 2013)

Oh miss kitten and Clairerianne, that's so hard.  I am really sorry.

Hugs,
Mon,
X


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## MrsGorilla (Dec 12, 2013)

Oh MissKitten, isn't this just one of the hardest things about IF? Not only coping with IF and all the emotions that brings, but also the physical turmoil of treatment and then, to top it all off, guilt over feelings that make you feel like you're turning into someone else, a green-eyed monster.

IF really ticks all the anxiety/stress boxes, hey? 

I suppose it's important to realise, and accept, that our feelings are natural and normal. Also, it's ok to be sad! It's allowed! And here is a great place to be sad. There's a book I've used in the past, when times have been hard-it's called "The Happiness Trap" and it's about learning that it's ok to be sad, and you don't have to be happy all the time


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## misskitten (Oct 31, 2010)

thank you lovely ladies for your support, really does help


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## Mrsball (May 10, 2013)

Hello
I just wanted to say I completely echo all of the comments already made. This is such a tough journey that only those going through it can understand. 
Have you seen this?
I came across it on this site and thought it really hit the nail on the head. So much so that I am actually seriously considering sending it to my close family and friends as it may help them understand a bit. 
Worth a read at least. Even if you don't want to use it. 
X

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

/links


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## Pudding34 (May 13, 2013)

Mrs Ball, I read the article you posted the link to and wish I had seen it when we first found out our situation and started treatment I could have sent it to our families and the select friends we have told. It precisely details all the things I want to say to people but can't seem to convey no matter how much I try!

In the last year and a half we have been victim every one of those faux pas! A few examples being;

My husbands boss when talking about DH having time off for tx told my DH he was having a vasectomy as he doesn't want anymore kids!

My three best friends all having had babies in the last year and a half talking about their pregnancies and parenting in front of me, this has been especially hard for me as we were very close they try to sympathise but none of them had trouble or even a delay in conceiving so can't possibly get it!

One of those friends tried to compare how I felt after my first failed cycle with her PND, who on earth would do that! It's not more or less but it's like comparing apples with elephants!

MIL saying, after two failed ICSI cycles both chemicals, perhaps while you are on holiday, this week just gone, you will relax and it will just happen, she said this at Christmas, I wanted to say have you not been listening? We are MF as well so I don't see how DH relaxing will make a change in a week! Again she just doesn't get it! My mum was just about fit to be tied when she heard this and offered to give MIL one of the books she purchased on infertility so she could learn it doesn't really work like that but that offer was declined funny huh!

Ultimately I think that people simply don't get it and sadly those that should don't want to know, they are scared! and finding out the ins and outs frightens them so they just say stupid things that fall out of their mouths and sting us!

Pudding
X


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