# How to not get stressed - any ideas other than hiding?!



## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi

I'm currently waiting to start an ultra-short protocol ICSI cycle (baseline scan in 2 weeks) and I'm really struggling with not letting other things get to me at the moment. 

I am not coping at all with other people's pregnancies, primarily my 23-yr-old brother's GF's pregancy (approx. 18 weeks but they've only just announced it). I'm trying not to let it get to me but he wasn't even bothered about having kids, he's totally irresponsible (third girl he's got pregnant in less than 2 years, 1st was an EP, 2nd he's having nothing to do with and now the third is with a 17-yr-old he's been with for 5 months). I know its probably all irrational, but I have loads of really unhelpful, self-pitying thoughts popping into my head all the time - like why is it so hard for us to have a much wanted baby (5 years trying, 1 ectopic pregnancy [EP], only one tube left now, low AMH, nearly 40 now etc etc) when others just 'pop them out' so easily?! Even my best friend is so fertile she had both babies in the first month of trying (and she's the same age as me). It just feels like I'm getting my nose rubbed in it at every corner! There are other things too like my step-mother (23-yr-old bro's mum) is being a pain, and I don't have a relationship with my own Mum (long story - she's a bit mental).

Sorry, I'm embarrassed about how bitter and stupid I sound  but I can't help it - anyone got any coping ideas? 
I am doing some positive things like getting fit again (and enjoying it) but, most of the time I feel anxious and wound-up, and just feel like hiding and not having to put a brave face on when people call etc.

T x


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## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Hey T, 

Sorry to hear you're feeling so crappy.  It's hard not to feel bitter about other people getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. 

I am usually quite upbeat about things, but I am actually struggling myself at the moment, but I didn't want to read and run. 

I know that it's hard to cope, but I do find it helps to read success stories.  I am presently working my way through older threads on FF and just reading about people who HAVE fallen pregnant, whose tx HAS worked, who HAVE had their happy ending - all of that helps.  

I am also about to start yoga. Someone told me it works wonders for relieving stress.  

I hope you start to turn a positive corner soon.  You are not alone. 

Best of luck to you. 

Liesa x


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## Jardin (Jan 18, 2012)

Hello there,
Am avoiding my work by hanging about on here today but just wanted to send you some encouragement. I find the best thing is to try and remember you have a whole life outside of infertility problems and everyone needs nice things to look forward to. Even if money is tight (and you've got NHS funding - that's really lucky!) try to plan some nice things to look forward to - a spa day, a weekend trip with your other half or whatever makes you happy. Have a daytrip where you don't talk or even think about tx. Get outside and have some fresh air, go to the cinema etc. I regularly make a list of things that make me happy and then go and do some of them.  Also, why not see if you are entitled to free counselling and go and chat to a counsellor. I found that quite helpful. I also moan endlessly to my acupuncturist. Everyone needs an outlet where they can have a good whine!! Be kind to yourself. It may be a long journey and you musn't let it make your life a misery.

Very best wishes


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hi all
sorry if this goes on twice, flipping computer decided to crash... 
i know its so hard to stay positive, i feel like i'm surrounded by fertile people who fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and dont even consider how hard it must be to desperately want a family. needing an outlet is so true, i found just reading some of the posts on here can be really positive and helpful. - plus it feels like i'm taking some sort of control of things, even if i'm just reading about other peoples experiences. (otherwise life can feel like it revolves around timing, peeing on sticks and waiting!!)
course its one born every minute tonight which i insist on watching - then i feel even more isolated and pants. -) xx

anyway just wanted to say you're not alone, we all have those bitter moments 
big hugs. xx


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## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi ladies


Thanks so much for your kind replies and for not reprimanding me for being crazy   MUCH appreciated.


I'll try to take on board several of your suggestions. Its hard to get away from the whole ttc palava but I do find distraction has worked for me in the past so I'll try that again. And yoga too   


TBH I think just being able to have a rant has really helped. And you're right elli78 and liesa, hearing about other people's IVF successes is heartening so I'll have more of a nosey on here.


Jardin, I really do appreciate that I'm lucky to be getting NHS funding (we would not have been able to afford private until now, after lots of saving). All I can recommend to others is to keep battling with the NHS until they give in. We were refused treatment in Cheshire (reasons: DH has a teenage daughter, and I have low AMH/variable FSH) and we were due to have our appeal hearing on the day I had surgery to remove my EP. Since then we moved to the Highlands and continued the battle - fortunately they were better listeners up here    I like your idea of making a list of nice things to do - I like lists generally so I think this might work for me!


Its our wedding anniversary this weekend so we're going away for a couple of nights which will be really lovely.


Thanks again for giving me a sanity check. And Liesa, I hope the others' suggestions might help you cope better too?


All the best x


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## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Yep, T, I think Jardin's idea of making plans to do something nice is a good one.  We have a puppy, so I am a bit housebound at the moment...just while she's tiny.  However, I think I might head out to the movies on the weekend and hubby can puppysit! 

Congrats on your wedding anniversary.  I hope you have a lovely weekend away xx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hey armywife, enjoy the puppy! I have 2 dogs and they keep me smiling. Work colleagues dont know anythng about our journey. Tbh they think i dont want a family as im a crazy dog person. Im not sure if thats good or bad. Lol. Tamsin enjoy ur wkend away im sure itll be great for u. Xx


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## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Elli, what sort of dogs do you have?  

Our puppy is a Jack Russell terrier.  She is a handful and she is only 10 wks old, bless her!  I think a baby might actually be easier! LOL


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

ive got 2 boxers. The youngest is 2 1/2. When we got him i was up all nite for 2 weeks as he wouldnt settle. I too thought a baby would have been easier! Lol. X


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## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Ha!  I know that feeling all too well! Ours is actually sleeping for 6 hours at night now, before she starts crying.  Bless. 

Sorry for hi-jacking your post, Tamsin! x


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## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Oo but I can join in! I have 2 Springers, one 2 yrs old and the other 8 months so I know all about those sleepless nights and being housebound. They are brilliant though - love them to bits. Bet your pup is tiny Liesa - how cute!


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## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Springers are cute too.  Two of them as well? I take my hat off to you girls. I am barely coping with one!  But she is a wee cutie


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hey ladies, tamsin 2 springers must be fun!  liesa how is your pup settling in? We have my stepdaughter for half term so my dogs are loving it, theyre cuddled within an inch of their life,   xx


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## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Morning ladies


Feeling much more human today and nicely distracted by doggy talk    Liesa - your puppy is doing so well if she's sleeping 6 h at 10 weeks old! I'm sure we were having night-time wake up calls for a few more weeks with Springer no.2.


Elli - my DH had boxers as a kid, lovely dogs aren't they? Yes, springers are fun - they are very waggly, can't walk straight because they wag so much! And so ridiculously cuddly, which is very handy in winter - I sometimes get a 2-dog blanket   
xx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hey tamsin i was just thinking the same, that doggy talk is making me smile and distracted me from checking the calander as soon as i walk past it. We had a springer when i was young (as well as a boxer) she was a bag of fizz. My boxers adore my stepdaughter and sulk terribly when she goes home, makes me cry. Liesa your def doing well like tamsin says my 2nd pup whined loads at nite 4 weeks. X


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## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Dogs - bless them - they are a lovely distraction.

We discussed getting a puppy (ours is named Bundy) for AGES before we went ahead and starting looking. It was such a big decision for us. I am not working at the moment, due to my last contract finishing early and no jobs in the area, and so we figured while I was at home anyway, it would be a good time to get a furry new addition to the family.

I hadn't had a dog in years, and my last one was a border collie, who moved in with my sister when I moved to the UK. (I'm from Australia) I missed her SO much, and I decided to bring her over here, but the vet told me it was a bit selfish of me to take a dog who was used to living on acreage and moving her to a 2 bedroom mid terrace with a minuscule back yard! And he was right - so she stayed in Oz and continued living with my sister until she passed away aged 16, which is a pretty good age for a border collie, I'm told.

I'd completely forgotten the puppy stage though, and I must say, it has opened my eyes somewhat! If I DO manage to have a baby, it won't be such a shock! At least you can leave a 10 week old baby alone while you have a shower, without worrying if it's pooing on the carpet or eating the chair legs! 

Oh, and I decided to take some of the advice on this thread - I am going to the movies on Saturday - by myself - while hubby puppy-sits! I am off to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Must stock up on tissues. I sometimes think a good old blubber can release some of the pent-up emotions.

It is a bit sad going to the movies alone, though, isn't it? I don't really know anyone here - I am a new army wife and this is my first posting. Hubby has been doing this moving about thing for his whole life, but it's new to me. Oh well, who cares? I still reckon getting out will do me the world of good!

Tamsin, where are you going away to? Somewhere fancy?

Elli, how old is your stepdaughter?


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hey Leisa
my stepdaughter is 10, she keeps sayin she'd love a sister and why dont we have kids! eek. if only she knew how hard it can be esp when some of her cousins are half my age and have at least 2!!!

I think going to the cinema on your own would be a great thing to do. its not sad at all, in fact i may try to do the same myself. May be a liberating expereince. I live in a small town but we have an ickle cinema.. i'll put it on my list of things to do. 

Tamsin - how are you feeling today?
I've got a letter from the fertility clinic outlining the tests we need and confirming the 6 month wait...
i think i'll look into what the tests check for, i'm a bit ignorant on it at the moment. My gut feeling is that perhaps my immune system is a bit too good as i'm never ill .. perhaps those swimmers are killed off before they get where they're going.. who knows...

xxxx


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## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi Liesa and Elli


I agree with Elli, Liesa - its not sad going to the cinema alone, it'll be great to have some 'you' time. Its a shame you don't know anyone there yet - have you thought of doing any evening classes or perhaps you could sign up for dog-training for when Bundy is old enough? I used to love dog-training classes when we lived in Cheshire and it certainly helped us with Beh (oldest Springer). No classes up here in the Highlands tho, or cinema for that matter! But plenty of mountains and fabulous scenery   


You must have been heartbroken to leave your border collie but it sounds like she had a fab life. We thought long and hard about getting a dog too, but it seemed only right to get a second (Gunni)    And you're so right about not leaving the puppy vs leaving a baby   We have a crate that we used for the first few months - not as punishment, just as their bed/own space. Gunni liked it so much he'd get in unaided it for his naps!


Ah Elli it must be hard when your stepdaughter asks why don't you have kids. But it sounds like you get on well with her? Its good news that you've heard from the clinic but try not to worry about the tests - at least they might give you an idea about whats going on. And does this mean you'll get funded treatment? I hope so.


I'm feeling good today thanks Elli - managing quite well to not think of whats going on with little bro. I'm also just about to pack for our couple of days away in Dornoch, which is where we got married. Its a gorgeous village on the NE cost of Scotland and we're even staying DB&B at the hotel we got married in (so yes, quite fancy Liesa, but very friendly) - its great and they do amazingly affordable deals in winter. Right must go and choose some nice clothes to take - makes a change from living in wellies all the time!!


I hope you both have a lovely weekend xx


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## ArmyWife (Nov 23, 2011)

Ladies, 

I am just popping in quickly to say that I will be offline for a week or so.  Back in March. Need to clear my head and so am banning myself from all things computer- ********, FF, my blog - the whole shebang.  Oooh, will take some willpower! 

Elli, enjoy having your stepdaughter.  Have fun! 

Tamsin, enjoy your weekend away. Sounds fab! 

Back in March x


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hey Liesa
I know its hard to not log on - but you know where we all are if you need a rant. give youself some time and pamper yourself. big hugs

Tamsin - you have a lurvely fancy weekend, bit of romance in the air methinks. -) 
Yes my step daughter is a cutie - we wont go into my thoughts on her mother lol... 

have a great weekend both thinking of you both. ]
sorry must dash, at work and 2 minutes over my lunch break... 
xx


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## Guest (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Ladies,

Can I please join u on this thread! Im feeling very low after bfn last oct and am starting my next cycle in a few weeks.  I still cant seem to get myself out of rut - I was really excited about my first cycle and now im kinda feeling crappy about starting again!  
I guess it always seems like ppl are falling pregnant or having babies around u as its the thing you long the most.
I had slight breakdown last year when i almost walked out marriage as I was finding it really hard! 
Unfortunatley I cant have a pet as I live in flat, but I do need something to keep me busy ......but what!?
I also got addicted to one born every minute - I would just cry through it
gosh ive just rabbled on SORRY


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

Hi sophie, welcome. 
bless you, you're having a tough time at the moment eh. hopefully this site will help you find some strength and distrations. 
I'm waiting to start IUI but i know if the first one doesn't work i'll be devestated no matter how much i try to tell myself to be calm and rational.
maybe try to allow yourself some time every day to be down and sad about the situation then banish baby thoughts for the rest of the day. 
My hubby has recently taken to cooking... i'm sure its a way to put his energies into something.. anything other than baby thoughts.. 
although its doing nothing for my waistline!!!!

big hugs
xx


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## Guest (Feb 20, 2012)

Hey elli.. I dont think baby thoughts ever leave the mind : / Im trying to keep myself positive and really we both get a 2nd chance


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## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi Sophie
So sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment too. We had our first IVF in Sept/Oct too (no fertilization - devastated) and we're about to start our 2nd cycle. 
On the one hand, we're told to be positive about the whole thing but then when I am positive I also feel I've got to temper it by being realistic! Argh!
Some of the things the lovely ladies suggested to my plea for help are great ideas - I think sometimes think there's no option for me but to keep busy and distracted so I don't get worked up by the whole situation. Unless I specifically decide to think about things, I don't ever just sit quietly as I know my mind will instantly return to IVF/baby thoughts. Like you from the sounds of it!
I'm probably rambling too now!  
Going away for the weekend was certainly a lovely distraction so I shall continue to fill my life with as many nice experiences as possible  Pets are certainly a good distraction but how about immersing yourself in a hobby that you really enjoy, like Elli's DH and his cooking?
Anyway, feel free to rant - I felt A LOT better when I had my first rant on this thread. I guess I got a lot of my chest, so to speak   
Take care x


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hey tamsin
glad you had a good weekend, when do you start your tx?
sophie, hope you're feeling better today. like you say babys tend to rule your life eh.
i had bloods done today for rubella and claymidia (i'm sure that's not spelt right) good to be 'doing' something in the next step but equally i'm now nervously awaiting those results! argh
xx


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## lou/s (Jan 19, 2012)

my baby boy that keeps me going is my 3 year old cocker spaniel Alfie   xx
it is all so stressful and the worst thing of all is that just everyone around you seems to be pregnant its so hard not to be bitter or jealous!!!
 to all xx


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## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Evenin Elli! Glad the ball has started rolling for you - everything crossed for your results    I'm already taking norethisterone to delay my period, then baseline scan on 29 Feb and start injections if all OK...


Ah Lou, I know how you feel. Pregnant people are everywhere! I look at ******** a lot less nowadays - too painful sometimes to see 'everyone' else doing things with their families. Glad you have a lovely cocker to keep you occupied though - it sure does help to have dog distractions     to u too x


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## CaroleMartin (Nov 9, 2011)

Hello Girls

Hope you dont mind me butting in. I can sympathise with you all. We've been ttc for 7 years and on the waiting list for ivf for 2 years. I too had a really hard time watching friends and family having 1 baby then another an then another. I didnt talk to anyone not even my husband about how i was feeling even watching adverts with pregnancy tests ripped my heart out. With all the bottling up and stress it left me to lose my voice for 7 months i was put onto antidepressants and reffered to a speech thearapist. Any how to me relax and not stress ive taken up zumba and doing alot lot more baking. But i have recently bought a Zeta West cd through Amazon which has realy helped me relax and sleep. Keep talking and let your feeling out. Hope all this is encouraging words  

Best of luck through this rollercoaster of baby making 

Carole xx


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## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi Carole


Wow you've really been through it    And yes, it is very encouraging to hear you are finding a way through. It really is hard not getting worked up about things when it matters so much but I do find exercise helps, whether its walking the dogs or 1/2 hour on the rowing machine or yoga. Zumba certainly looks like fun too!


Tons of luck to you too   
T x


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

good luck with the scan tamsin, x


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## rbeccylou (Dec 23, 2010)

Hi, 
I'm Beccy- hope people don't mind me jumping in this thread! I started my buserelin injections a couple of weeks ago and have scan next Thursday. Just wanted to say that I regularly have meltdowns where I just cry (and I'm talking proper blubbering here!) for half an hour and then just sleep cos I'm emotionally drained. I feel so much better after though. I'd say it's completely normal and probably good for you.
I have the same where everyone around me is getting pregnant- my best friend is pregnant at the mo and I've had to tell her I can't see her until I'm though all this. People may think I'm being completely selfish an irrational but she has a habit of talking constantly about herself and I just don't want to hear it! I've found people have really not been understanding about our fertility problems at all- even family! I don't think people understand how hard things are- especially when all your friends lives revolve around their babies. I feel a bit isolated to be honest.
BUT I have found being on this site so unbelievably uplifting and supportive and I'm feeling really positive today (maybe something to do with the hours reflexology I've just had- so relaxing I fell asleep and started snoring!).
Take care everybody
Be good to hear some more stories xxxx


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hi beccylou welcome! 
i know what you mean its so hard to keep saine through this crazy journey. 
i've isolated myself from friends since this journey started to get complicated. i know i shouldn't but like you say people really dont understand the emotions of it all. 

Tamsin - how did your scan go?

Hi Carole, blimey you've had a horrible itme, although its good to hear you're finding some strength from inside.

wishing you all a great day, i've got a roast half way done but now i can't be bothered to finish is as i think AF is coming.. oh the joys of it. i'm sure life wasn't always this cr*ppy!!! xxxxxxx


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## tamsinw (Mar 11, 2009)

Hi Beccy, it sure is a rollercoaster, eh? Its so hard when people close to you are pregnant - I had to keep reminding myself that its perfectly normal to become self-obsessed when my best mate was pregnant. But it is sad that I wasn't and couldn't be as involved as I would've been had things been in any way straightforward for us. I went to a hotel gym the other day and the only other person there was a pregnant lady! Its stupid but sometimes it feels personal - crazy, huh  


I hope you're scan goes well  this week.


Elli - my scan was OK thanks. 1 or 2 follies on left and 8 or 9 on right so hoping for lots of growth! Next scan on Weds but off for acupuncture this afternoon - hopefully i'll snooze too! Hope you're feeling OK today - did AF come?


xx


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## Guest (Mar 5, 2012)

hi ladies im back on the rollacoster ride again! Ive started my treatment today, I am on the long protocol so have started taking provera, first scan in april.  lots going on around, one of DH friends baby is due in two weeks, she got pregnant on honeymoon....im really gona keep focused this time and not worry about everyone around me..although im only 29, ppl keep saying Im young and shouldnt worry and live my life...but I really feel a baby would make my life complete


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