# Really struggling



## carrie lou (May 16, 2006)

Yesterday was my darling little boy's second birthday. My best friend, her DH and their DD (20 months) stayed over the night before. My friend is one of the few people I've confided in about our infertility; she knows all about what we've been through to get here and what we are still going through. We are planning to do IVF in July/August.


So imagine my horror when, as they were about to leave on the morning of DS's birthday, she told me she is 6 weeks pregnant.   They had only just started trying again. I didn't even congratulate her. I know, it's really awful of me. But I somehow could not find the words. I just can't believe her insensitivity - telling me on my son's birthday of all days, knowing I had the whole family coming round later that day. I know there would have been no good time to tell me, but couldn't she have let me enjoy my baby's birthday in blissful ignorance, and let me find out later? I just about held it together until they left and then burst into tears.


That wasn't even the end of it. Later my family turned up and I didn't mean to, but I was so upset that I blurted out my friend's news to them. My mum is the other person I have always confided in and I stupidly thought I could expect a little support from her. But she actually said, in a very brusque and dismissive tone, "oh well, it will be all right. You will have another child. And even if you don't, it's not as if Zac has got leukaemia or anything, is it?" Well I was so taken aback by her insensitivity, I burst into tears and ran out of the room. She shouted after me, "well, did you expect her not to tell you". 


I'm ashamed to say I spent a long while crying alone in my bedroom while the guests looked after themselves downstairs. No one came to see if I was all right. When I finally went down, I couldn't speak to anyone for fear I would start crying again. I think they must all think I'm a total nutter. My mum didn't apologise or even mention the issue the whole afternoon. 


Am I being unreasonable to expect a little more compassion from her? I have supported her through some truly horrendous times. I just thought I could rely on the same in return now that I'm the one who needs it. But all I get is, "people are going to get pregnant. Deal with it."


And as for my friend. I sent her a message this morning saying how hurt I'd been by her timing. The memory of my son's second birthday will be forever spoilt for me. He might be the only child I ever have and I may never get another chance to host a second birthday party. She hasn't replied. We've been friends since we were 14. Have I just ended our friendship? 


This infertility can be a lonely journey


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## mierran (Apr 24, 2009)

I think unless you've suffered from infertility you dont know what its like. The fact that you cant just decide you'd like a child have sex and hey presto. I had someone tell me a few weeks ago that it had taken them ages -3 or 4 months to conceive their first so she expected it to take as long with the second but she got pregnant 1st month trying. This is someone who know it took me 6 1/2 years to have my babies.

You did get pregnant 1st cycle of clomid with ds so your chances of another are very good with tx.

With regards to your friend she may not know what to say. Why dont you give her a phone? Or send her another text to say while you were upset you value her friendship.

Good luck with the future. And you will prob find it always hurts when someone tells you but remember - there are people a lot worse off than you. You got pregnant first time and there is no reason to think it wont happen again if you want it to. 
I see you're going to eggshare. Good for you, as it means not only are you helping someone like me but cost wise it's a lot less too - a factor i'm sure.

And your son will have other birthdays. So please try and not stress too much.

Big hugs.


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## Pipster1978 (Jan 15, 2010)

I know how you feel, Carrie Lou. My best friend has just told me she's pregnant with number 2. My DD is 22 months and her DS is 23 months. We were on a hen weekend when she told me and, whilst she was sensitive about how she told me, I still felt sad for me. It took her 1 cycle. I know what you mean about there not being a good time to tell you- I feel like that too. I was okay-ish until we were in a nightclub, where at about 1am,tipsy, tired and emotional I shuffled off in my golf costume to have a wee cry. We don't really have any way of having a sibling for DD but who knows what might happen? And who knows what will happen for you. Hang on in there x


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## Rachel15 (Dec 4, 2012)

Hi

My heart goes out to you.  I know exactly how you feel.  My son is nearly two and half and nearly all of his little friends now have a sibling or one on the way.  Seven of the ten mum's in one group we went to are pregnant again!

Most of my long term friends had babies years ago, mostly before we were trying and struggling to get pregnant so I have to say that their news did not affect me too much.  Now I mix a lot with mum's of two year olds, to be fair I am a lot older than most (I am 40 now) and most do not know my story.  We had IUI to have T.  Every time I hear the happy news that one of them is pregnant again it is like a dagger through my heart.  One friend I have confided in struggled to tell me she was pregnant.  She knows that in recent months I have had three rounds of IUI which have been unsuccessful.  It is so hard when you find out that she was panicking because it took them three months!!

We are considering IVF and need to make a decision soon as time is not on our side.  

I too am sick of the "at least you have T.....", I feel like saying "one was not enough for you was it?".  I actually feel sad and angry in equal measures.  I am worried about IVF, how I am going to manage child care (no family nearby), how we are going to pay for it, not to mention how I will feel if it does not work.

Thinking about all you lovely ladies out there in a similar position.

XXX


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## Stalyvegas (Oct 14, 2007)

Hi Carrie
Firstly im sending lots of hugs cos it sounds like you need them    

I think your friend was in a lose lose situation under the circumstances, knowing your history as she does. She may not have wanted to wait until the next time she saw you face to face, and possibly from her perspective she thought that the happy day of your baby's birthday was the right time to share more baby news, share the joy maybe? Do you think that if she text you or called you then you would have felt let down she hadnt done it face to face?

Dont let other things spoil the memory of the birthday, and if you feel like you cant get it out of your head then you & DH go out next weekend and have a special extra birthday celebration - one to perk up your memories.

If you have been close friends all your life then dont let how your feel about infertility take anything else away from you - it has already affected your emotions, the way you conceived, the fact you may only have your precious son... dont let it take anything else from you, im sure your friend will understand if you sit down and talk to her about it    

All that said I think your mother or MIL's comment about your child not having an illness so perk up was ridiculously insensitive and outrageous - I would have chucked her out for that!!!

  
Rxx


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## carrie lou (May 16, 2006)

Thank you ladies for all your replies. I have to say I was in a very very sad place when I wrote that post. I cried for days afterwards. But I realise now my friend was in a difficult position and there would never have been a good time to tell me she was pregnant. I think deep down I already suspected but I didn't want her to confirm it on my boy's birthday; I wanted to ignore it for a little longer and enjoy the special day, and confront it later when I could digest the news in private in my own time.


With hindsight I know my friend can't possibly understand what we are going through, having conceived naturally twice without even trying! And probably that's why she didn't realise just how hard it would be for me. I have since spoken to her and we have made up. I hope we can be good friends again. For now though I am keeping my distance a little bit as I really want to go into my IVF cycle with a positive attitude, and I would find this difficult to maintain while being around my pregnant friend all the time.


As for my mum - I wrote her a long email trying to get across how painful it is to live with the knowledge that I will never conceive naturally, while seeing people close to me doing so without even trying. I also said how disappointed I was that in my hour of need I didn't seem to have her support, after I've been there for her through thick and thin. She apologised and said she'd been trying to look on the bright side! But clearly it had come across as insensitive and inappropriate. Once again I realise she has no idea what it's like to be in our position.


Anyway. Thanks again for all your support and I'm pleased to say I am feeling a lot better about it now. If things go to plan I will be having IVF in July/August, and there will only be four months between my friend's baby and mine    so I really have to focus on being positive for that now.


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