# What do you do on the worst parenting days?



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

So little man, 6 months old, has been screaming most of the day today....in the middle of a busy shop, just for fun it would seem. It would appear he didn't want to stand in a queue and wait for the cashier to clear up the bottle she smashed   

When we got home I got him out of the pram and put him in his highchair before dashing back to get his sister (17 months) out of the pram. This was also not to his satisfaction and he screamed the house down about this....and so on. It's been one of those days. Most things result in screaming, and he has got a horrible cry! 

My daughter's a sweetie, she really is, but I'm finding her typical toddler behaviour very hard to handle. Both DH and I are very frayed with it all.

My son won't drink his formula without a fight, unless he's asleep. It got so bad I spoke to a doctor about it. Because his foster home was so chaotic, he cannot focus at all and thrashes about at every feed (there are 5 a day), trying to see everything. I've tried it all, dark quiet rooms etc, I really have. Lying down, sitting up, highchair, rocking chair, no people, a few people. He consistently will not feed without becoming an angry, screaming baby as he thrashes the bottle out of his mouth then wants it back. I get scratched and hit each feed. There's no medical cause or anything like that, the paediatrician went through everything with me. He is just impossibly distracted at feeds even when there is no one there but me and a ceiling! So whilst we're weaning him, he still needs at least 18-20oz a day and I have to battle this every day. It's hell to be honest.

Anyway having completely lost it today as whilst he fought me violently at feed time my toddler drew all over everything with a crayon she found, I'm feeling, as usual like a terrible person who screams like a banshee. I really hate myself some days! 

So I wondered if others have techniques they use when they feel an explosion of temper coming on (or is it just me?!). I often walk away for a minute to calm myself down but I wish I didn't have to feel that wound up in the first place. I sometimes give the wall a whack too (out if sight of the kids) and once in early placement of my daughter I went upstairs and just had a little screaming fit of my own! 

I'm ok a lot of the time, but on days like today I really could hide in the wardrobe all day!! It's winter, it's raining like mad, and I get stuck in more than I'd like. Getting out everyday isn't so easy with a 6 month old and 17 month old when we're on a 15-30 minute schedule all day. Literally. A feed, nap, lunch or nappy is an every 30 minute occurrence with two under 18 months! So whilst I appreciate the get out every day notion, it isn't a possibility right now.

Sorry for the rant / moan / pity party!


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hey,

First - don't apologise if you need a rant.
Second give yourself a hug/pat/choc As you are coping and two at this age is tough tough tough!

I'll come onto bottle feed soon but for coping I used to find something to bite (toddler chewing things are damn good & were always handy. If not I truly thought I'd just scream. The madness I sometimes lost it & shouted back but my worst moments were the violence (biting especially hence I used to bite something of my own out if eyesight from LO as the inner child wanted to retaliate iykwim).

Re bottle - did LO withdraw at all? As if so he might be like my LO. When he was that age he couldn't always finish even though he wS starving as either he couldn't control himself or was a learnt habit (from his withdrawal stage). His FC told me it was exhausting as feeds would be a struggle, then having to do it frequently over again as he hadn't taken enough. No great advice other than it will get better. If he's weaning then others may have tips to help reduce bottle quantity if that would help?!?

I used to have tears at the end of the day or end of a screaming fit as it was sooo tough but it really does get better/easier. It's hard but you are still early for all our you hence some if the tantrums etc may just be out of this too (my LO went crazy if too much time physically restrained from me ie pushchair/high chair). The more available I was then he was fine. I know this isn't always possible but just a consideration as to the whys.

Have a glass if something tonight once kids are in bed and try and be you. You need some time to regain your mental strength too.

Hugs and there's always someone here who's stepped in your shoes at one time or another so please don't think you're a bad mum x x


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## Loopylou29 (Mar 4, 2013)

We struggle to get our LO to drink his evening bottle but he drains his morning bottle. 
Our health visitor told us that as long as there is milk elsewhere in his diet it doesn't matter how he gets it. Babies can have whole milk from 6months as long as its mixed with food. We used yoghurts, custard, rice pudding etc to make sure he got enough milk. We just used vitamin supplements which we added to his food to make up for the missing nutrients from the formula. It has worked for us in terms if health and if he only drinks a couple ounces before bed it doesn't matter.


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## Belliboo (Dec 23, 2007)

Mummy elf didn't want to read & run but feel  I have no words of wisdom but feel you are doing everything you can. we have just had AS number 2 placed at 9 months old & we already have his sibling who was placed  with us 2 years ago & is now 3, it is hard trying to please both children at once but I think for you managing this can only be 1000 times worse with the small age gap of yours & your being so much more dependant on you so don't be hard on yourself your doing a great job & we are all going to have bad days I'm sure xxxx


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Don't blame yourself for wanting to scream.  It's bound to take a while to get things settled down and finding some sort of outlet for that really helps.

We had lots of days like that early on in Bladelet's placement.  I have found the biggest help for me is to work out strategies for the different difficult situations.  Bladelet and Wyxling were older, but Wyxling was functioning at about the same level as Bladelet on placement of Bladelet (10 months) and he was like a little baby a lot of the time.  Just more mobile and bigger and more troublesome!  Wyxling's behaviour was horrendous and Bladelet was just so unhappy and needy.  I found it really hard to stay calm with both of them, even Bladelet who was basically just crying a lot.  For me, when I really have had enough, I just take them out, shove Bladelet in buggy and Wyxling's shoes on, and we go for a walk.  Course it's not actually that simple getting the pair of them out the house, but we try.

I know what you mean about something needing to be done every half hour, sometimes a lot less.  Getting Wyxling and Bladelet out the house in the morning to get Wyxling to nursery (we leave at 8:30) has taken me some time to master, but oddly, now I have a time I need to get out the house for, I've found ways round most of the problems.  The ridiculous number of nappy changes and toilet trips required to get through from 6:30 to 8:30 in the morning alone can be a nightmare.  Bladelet has to be rammed into his shoes, snowsuit, reigns and then buggy while having a screaming tantrum every day, and although we seem to have got past the stage of Wyxling refusing to put clothes on all together *touch wood* she still frequently won't put her shoes or coat on or let me do it.

I really would advise working out a way to do it and getting out the house.  It is a nightmare at first, but once you've worked out a routine for doing it, it can be merely irritating as hell.  Feeds, changes and sleeps can all be done out and about once you get into a pattern of it, it kind of works.  It can mess up sleep routines if they catch extra sleeps in the buggy but sometimes that's the price to pay for a bit of company and getting out and about.  I know it seems really difficult, especially with two such little ones, but a once a week trip to a play group, or even just getting them out in the buggy and having a walk, might help you clear your head a little bit.  If you can get your older one to do a bit of walking as well it might help her run off a bit of energy and make her less fractious.

I don't really have any suggestions regarding feeding, but I did also wondered about drugs - a lot of the behaviours you've described for your littley, sleeping, eating, screaming a lot, ring a lot of bells with babies who've had neonatal exposure to drugs and may not be entirely as a result of the situation in f/c.

Just to help with management for a few months we were prepping everything in the evening after they'd gone to bed, ready for the next day.  Meals were made as far as possible, drinks and snacks packed, nappy bags all stocked up, everything we could feasibly do that meant less time for me to be getting stuff etc was done, so that I could focus on them, and get some play time.  I was (and honestly still am) shocked at how little time there is in my day for just playing with my kids given I'm at home all day.  When Bladelet's playing up, which he does horrendously at the moment, he is just into absolutely everything, he just goes in the play pen.  I don't really like it, but until he learns to keep his little fingers off everything sometimes it's the only solution. 

I hope you manage to find some calm soon - it's going to take a while for things to settle and both kids are going to be struggling with the big changes, which is just going to make it harder for you.  Does your partner have much time off over Christmas to give you a bit of a break?  A little break would probably help you recharge and make staying calmer a lot easier.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you all for such helpful replies.

Wyxie in particular, thank you for taking the time to type such a detailed response. I know you have your hands very full and am full of admiration for what you deal with on a daily basis with wyxling. 

When little elf came home I did question drug exposure as he screamed excessively, but since sleeping properly this has stopped. The biggest problems are feeding and he's had a bad chest since birth, he's been snotty since he came home 6 weeks ago which (having done a quick google search) are on the list of symptoms. I know birth mum smoked throughout, but alcohol / drug use isn't clear. It's denied but unfortunately the BPs are notorious liars so no one really knows.  He can get very bad tempered, red in the face and back arching over something like getting dressed and whilst on the whole a smiley chap, he does seem to have quite an angry temper...his FC commented on this too. My daughter is so sweet natured and not at all bad tempered so it's quite a contrast, and I have questioned it. I don't know what to expect from a 6 month old though; he's technically my first baby as pixie was 11 months and past all the 'young baby relentless crying' stage.

Gertie - I love the teething ring biting idea. It actually sounds very sensible! The tension has to go somewhere after all.

Loopy - thank you. I've read a lot about how they need formula until their 12 months to get what they need and I get quite stressed about it. Our daughter was really not enjoying formula by 11 months and the day after her 1st birthday I went straight to cows milk which she loved! Can't wait to do the same...only 6 months to go!  

Belliboo - thank you for the moral support! It does help knowing I'm not alone!

X


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## wynnster (Jun 6, 2003)

You've been given some great ideas   

I just wanted to add, it helps to add some things to the diary that are just for YOU!  Go to the coffee shop for an hour on a sunday, take a mag and just sit! 
Go for a walk for half an hour once dh gets home. 

Plan a night out with friends.

It is amazing how you feel so much more human after time to yourself and tbh if its in your diary it gives you something to look forward to on the dark days. 

Also, do you have time with just one of them?  Maybe take 1 of them swimming when dh is off?  and the following week take the other, build it up and eventually you can take both   

xxxxx


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## Bunny Face (Jan 20, 2008)

Oh Mummy Elf, I really feel for you as I'm struggling with Dd at the moment too and I only have one to deal with. 

I can't offer any words of wisdom as I'm still trying to find a way to handle my 19month olds tantrums and independence. 

I can only hope that we will look back in a few months and 'laugh'.

Xxx


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

I'm sure you will bunny! Parenting is a tough game and by the time we take our 'L' plates off we're ready to be grandparents!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

Um, I know this will be unpopular and it's a naughty suggestion, but what happens at feeding time if there's something on the telly, or some music on?  And maybe not necessarily soothing music, but something with a thumping beat to occupy all that right-brain craziness?  I expect you've tried it. 

Lots of hugs.  For me, there wasn't much that prevented the screaming banshee (that would be me) except these tips:-

Wake up and get up, washed, dressed and organised before they do.
Drink coffee.  Eat chocolate.  Drink alcohol after tea time and before bedtime routine.
Get outside every day, even if you get soaked.
Remember what it feels like when a tearful Bug cries, "say sorry to me, Mummy!" when you've got cross or shouted when you shouldn't have.
Get down to their level and make eye contact as much as possible.
Try not to multi-task.  (I'd usually lose it when Bug was stopping me 'fitting something in' to time I was supposed to be spending with and on him!)
De-personalise.  (He's not hitting me, he's asking mummy to help him with bad feelings.)
Tell him exactly how I feel.  "Mummy is getting too cross and angry now, so she's going to sit here and calm down for a moment, and then we can have a cuddle."  This teaches them emotional intelligence and self-regulation, too.  

But it's not just you.    Definitely not.


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

(I don't drink every day, guys!  Just on the really bad ones.    )

((I do, however, eat chocolate every day.  Yes ma'am.))


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Lol AoC

Funny you say about thumping music as that's the only way we all coped the first few months of placement. LO really takes to that and funnily enough it's my type of music so we used to bounce to this to re regulate after big meltdowns. I'm not sure all 1.5yrs old are as into Will.i.am as much as my little star is :-D

Just the little things that really help at bad times. Completely agree with the multi tasking thing too. It's when I loose my cool esp if I only need 2-4 mins to put dinner on but it's just life in our house. When were having calm periods it's the thing that you notice.

G x


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## crazyspaniel (Sep 12, 2012)

I second the chocolate thing, sadly only the coffee creams (yuck) are left from Christmas now.....
Getting quite adept at just eating the choc and discarding the coffee bit now though!!


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## Brummig (Jan 14, 2011)

When Big Red was younger (before his diagnosis when I was trying to parent like Supernanny - big mistake) I occaissionally  went to sit on the naughty step - when I knew I had lost it with him and we just needed to be apart for a few moments.  
We had a really good friend with children a similar age and both our husbands worked away so sometimes we would meet up for tea - it was crazy noisy but helped sometimes as DS was busy, and that early evening time was always a flashpoint for us.  
We were out in all weathers -  we have picnicked in the park at all times of year!  I always had some make shift picnic stuff in the car - bottles of juice, crisps, biscuits, dried fruit, cereal bars along with rug, jumpers, willies and a towel and a big plastic bag for carrying home wet and muddy stuff.


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## Flash123 (Jan 29, 2006)

Brummig, Handy to keep some willies in the car. You never know when you might need one. Mind you since little man came home I don't think I'd recognise one !!!     

Childish I know but this has made my morning  .  
Xxx


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## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

Flash123 said:


> Brummig, Handy to keep some willies in the car. You never know when you might need one. Mind you since little man came home I don't think I'd recognise one !!!
> 
> Childish I know but this has made my morning  .
> Xxx


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## slinkyfish (Jan 17, 2007)

Invest in a bong...?   


I had days where I just had to remove myself from the room for 5 minutes and leave them to it. I also drank a lot of Gin!!!


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## AoC (Oct 28, 2008)

I definitely have to get me some willies in the car....


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hahaha! That's HILARIOUS! Willies in the car! Hahaha    

Thank you ladies - you've cheered me right up after a terrible few days! DS is teething like a monster and DD is learning how to strop like a proper 18 month old! The 18 month mark is looming and she's all over it!

Chocolate I do use every day, and alcohol each night once they are in bed! I've accepted that a glass of wine at 7pm is currently the answer to coping with two very young children and I'm not apologising for it! DH and I have agreed it's a necessity to our sanity .... That and Emmerdale  

Yesterday I cleaned up 4 stinky horrible nappies and after DDs second one, DS was screaming the house down in his jumperoo because my attention was elsewhere (like not getting poo on my hands....which seems to happen too often around here!). Well I'd been a saint all day but I was done in by then (4pm) and after ensuring both were safely enclosed, went into the kitchen and away from the screaming (as DD was also tantrumming by this stage). I rung DH who calmed me down, gave one child a cuddle, the other calpol, and moved on! Being enclosed with my son when he is screaming is torture. He has THE most awful scream-choking-purple faced cry.

Anyway better go as nap time is apparently over judging by the screaming from upstairs........


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Bladelet is being a little nightmare at the moment, and Wyxling has been incredibly sulky this morning, probably because I've been really cross with Bladelet.  He is just so incredibly badly behaved, and thinks it's hysterically funny.  I know he's Mummy baiting and I stay incredibly calm, he likes me to have to chase him, so he does things he shouldn't etc, but he's also going for Wyxling really badly and it's really upsetting me because he's actually hurt her quite badly a couple of times in the last week.  He threw a wooden shape sorter at her head on new years day which has left a big bruise, he wacked her in the face with the hoover the next day, chipping a tooth, and yesterday he was wacking her over the head really hard with one of his toys while she just stood and cried (why on earth she didn't move I don't know) and she has another great big bruise.  He's really bad with me as well but I just kind of ignore it and dodge and gently correct him, and that makes it better, but clearly I can't ignore him hurting Wyxling and the more I respond, the worse he gets. 

I put both of them down for a long nap together today, which is a bit naughty as I should have some things to do with Wyxling, but I just needed a break from all the whinging, whining and tantrums from both of them.


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## Poppets Mammy (Mar 7, 2011)

Willies in the car, oh I love it!!


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