# 5 Stages of Grief - stuck on stage 2 - ANGER!!



## Losing_the_will (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi,

I have come to this site seeking support and guidance from those that truly understand. Family and friends (however well-meaning) just don't comprehend the magnitude of what is happening to us.

I am 29 and have been with my husband for 12 years. We have been ttc for 7 years. We have had one pregnancy within that time which ended as a missed miscarriage only picked up by a routine scan at 12 weeks.

I have had 5 cycles of clomid which hasn't helped and I am not being put forward for IVF yet because of the conception I had 2 years ago. So we are saving to go privately.

I seem to be stuck in a perpetual haze of anger, grief and depression. I am trying so so hard to stay positive and keep smiling - but inside I honestly feel like I am breaking into small pieces and however hard I try to put myself together Im never a whole person anymore. Each knockback, each period, breaks another part of me off. And I am scared that at the end, there will be nothing left of me. My problem is that Ive almost convinced myself that I won't ever be whole until I'm a mother. So where does that leave me?

If I could sum up how I feel - I feel like I constantly ache. A dull, thudding, consistent ache that wakes up with me and goes to bed with me. It's an ache that gets worse when I see families having fun, when I see tiny babies wanting their mum, when I think about what I almost had. 

How do I ever go back to the person I was before? before I knew that never having children could even be a possibility... 

I feel like a failure. I know people say you shouldn't feel like that but it doesn't stop me feeling like I've let my husband down. 

I am so sorry to go on like this - please don't think that I am self pitying. I just wanted to get this off my chest......


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

I understand how you feel.  I had almost ten years of feeling the same way. The thing is, you are not a failure and you have not let anyone down.  You have been trying your hardest and no-one can do more than that.  I found that it helped me to always have a plan of what I was going to do next. That way, you are always focusing on the way ahead rather than feeling stuck in a hopeless mire, and you feel just a little bit more in control.  There are no easy answers but I would say to concentrate on your goals of saving up for your IVF treatment and getting yourself as well physically and emotionally as you can for your treatment.  This means being good to yourself too!  You are not a the end of the road in terms of becoming a mum; there are still lots of options open to you.  And you never know what might be just round the corner. (See my profile.)  Hope some of this helps.    

Ellie


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## amy33 (Feb 12, 2013)

Hi Losing the Will

Firstly, please don't lose the will! Like Ellie, I completely understand how you feel. This is be far the hardest thing that me and my husband have ever been through and it really is just heartbreaking. A few months ago I was in the same 'place' that you are now and what I found helped me was seeing one of the counsellors attached to the ivf clinic we are with. I've never had counselling in my life and honestly didn't think I needed to or that it would help but it felt wonderful getting things of my chest to someone who was completely impartial and who wasn't trying to 'say the right thing' like well meaning family and friends do. I wonder if it might help you to? I realise it would cost money though but may well be worth it.  If it's something you wanted to consider there is www.bica.net  - The British Infertility Counselling Association and www.bacp.co.uk british association for counselling. 

What I found has also helped is getting ready for ivf and I got the Zita West 'Guide to Fertility and Assisted Conception' book with advice about diet, relaxation etc it really does give you something to focus on. 

Please don't give up yet and good luck with everything xxx


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## EvaWishing (Feb 20, 2013)

I know exactly what you mean about being stuck in a rut and the aching feeling just breaks your heart. Sometimes I think I have completely lost sight of what life was like before ttc - was there life? It seems a lifetime ago.  My brain works over time and I know that people say that this wont help but even if I try and stop - I'm thinking about not thinking! lol!

I find it hard to explain to friends without worrying that they are going to think that I'm keeping on. 

I find focussing on the next step also helps, otherwise I just constantly get caught up with all the BFN. 

My husband and I are trying to spend more time together doing things that don't involve ttc or talking about it. Its certainly not easy but helps keep me focused. 

I understand how hard it is to stay positive, believe me sometimes I could lash out at the next person that says that, especially when they are stood there with a child! BUT you don't know what the future may hold and as Ellie says, although its hard to see, you are not at the end of your dreams yet so keep going  And chat on here whenever you need so as to not bottle things up   

Good luck with everything xxx


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## Losing_the_will (Feb 23, 2013)

Hi ,

Thank you so much for your replies....

I know that I have to keep going but every now and then you just feel like you're not getting anywhere.

*Ellie* - with regards to having some plans to focus on - you are right that this would help, as at the minute I feel like I've no direction and nothing to focus on (except that awful time of the month...). Getting an appointment at a private clinic will give me something to aim for.

*Amy* - I have been toying with the idea of counselling but must admit I was like you and felt that it couldn't help me but maybe it can... My husband said he would like to attend some as well which is good.

I think what doesn't help is that infertility and miscarriage still seems such a taboo for most people. I feel that within some parts of my family, friends and in-laws, our problems have been brushed under the carpet because no-one likes to talk about something "miserable". Which then in-turn isolates us from people even more as we don't feel emotionally connected with anyone. Don't get me wrong, I certainly wouldn't talk about it all the time but occassionaly it would be so nice if someone said "How are things" and "Tell me about what treatment you're taking" or even just a quick "I'm thinking of you". But for two years since the miscarriage and us taking clomid there has been a big wall of silence that no ones wants to climb over.

That's why I found this site. It's so nice that I can talk about it without the need to apologise for feeling the way I am.... without being judging me....

*CornwallGem* - thank you - it's so true about even when you try and not think about it, you are in turn thinking about it! What a relief to talk to people who get this...

xx


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## Ivfmamma (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi, me & my OH have been trying for a baby for 10 years, in this time we have had 2 ectopic pregnancys lost both baby's & both of my tubes, I now have to have ivf to concieve & had ivf in November but had a missed miscarriage at 9+4, So now we are onto round 2 of ivf, we have been pregnant 3 times in 10 years & still have no children. 

I'd like to say the coping gets easier but it doesn't.

I'm finding myself more bitter now than ever x hope we all get what we deserve x


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## Betty-Boo (Oct 14, 2007)

and welcome to Fertility Friends   

FF is a lifeline for everyone and anyone, seeking support, information and lasting friendship whilst going through fertility issues. FF members are fantastic listeners when when family, friends, doctors and sometimes even partners just don't "get" what you're going through and feeling.

I've included some forum boards that may help answer some of your questions   
Have a look round the site and if you get a little stuck with the navigation side of things - please ask and we'll do our best to guide you.

*FERTILITY INFO GUIDES ~ *CLICK HERE

*Investigations & Immunology ~ *CLICK HERE

*Clomid ~ *CLICK HERE

*IVF General ~ *CLICK HERE

You can also "meet" and chat with people in your local area through the *Location boards*. This is especially useful to find people who may be using the same clinic and or in the same PCT area. CLICK HERE

FF's chat room is a fabulous place to 'meet' and chat with others. Our newbie chat is every Wednesday. A great chance to meet other new members and find out a little more about how the site works: 
*Newbie chat ~ *Click Here

All the best - our paths may cross again in other areas of the site.

Good luck,

  

Tis xx


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## Ellie.st (Mar 11, 2005)

Just wanted to say, re having a plan, that I also, like Amy33, got a copy of a Zita West book - mine was "Fertility and Conception" but I think the one she mentions is more recent.  I found it really helpful for getting our diet and supplements sorted out - a positive step you can take yourself while waiting for your tx to come round.  

You are right - there is a taboo about IF generally, but you will find lots of support here on FF.

Ellie


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## trying2013 (Feb 22, 2013)

Hi there
Just wanted to say a quick hello.  We've'only' been trying for two years and it's hard enough. I can't imagine what 7 years feels like! I do know what you mean about people not understanding though. People that know we're struggling ask me how I am getting on and don't understand that it's really just too hard to say how I really feel. And if one more person says 'maybe you'll be pregnant by.....' I might sream!

With regard to counselling, I'm thinking of having a go with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. A firend of mine that can't have children suffered for depression for a while and really recommends it. Apparently, it doesn't ever try to solve the problem but gives you ways to deal with situations and cope with your emotions. At least then even if thigs aren't going well you can try and feel a little bit better. It's exhausting being sadd all of the time  

Best of luck with everything.
xx


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## Oz_angel (Mar 7, 2013)

Hi, 


Just wanted to day I completely understand - it's a heartbreaking rollercoaster a lot of the time, but we keep trying in the hope that our dreams will come true. 


I'd really encourage you to consider counselling - either through your clinic (when you have one) or by referral from your GP. It can really help to have someone other than your partner to talk to, and who isn't emotionally invested in the process. It might not solve the problem, but might help you find your positive mental attitude 


I haven't tried the Zita West CD's, but I'm looking into them, along with those from Circle + Bloom. I am a big fan of meditation as a way to deal with crappy situations though, and find that when things are getting too crazy, meditating helps keep everything from becoming overwhelming. 


Dee


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## elli78 (May 22, 2011)

hey. just wanted to say i understand where you are all coming from. i cant remember who i was before all of this rubbishness of infertility. i miss the fun loving positive person i was and who my dh married xx


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