# Meltdowns in toddler!



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

My DD is nearly 14 months old and about 2 weeks ago had her first 'tantrum'. By this I mean something didn't happen the second she wanted it to and she had an angry screaming fit. She has another one a few days later. My approach is to stroke her back but gently, calmly tell her I won't pick her up until she stops screaming at me. As soon as the angry screaming simmers down I pick her up and soothe her.

Tonight she has literally had an hour's worth - every few minutes something would not be going her way (like throwing a shoe then not being able to reach it) and a meltdown would commence. I was starting to lose the plot and had to walk away once she was safe as I was struggling to keep calm. She was just 'on one'. 

She came to us 9 weeks ago and since that time has really found her feet (not literally - still waiting for her to start walking). She was with an amazing FC from birth and we appreciate she's still in the process of settling. She seems totally and utterly settled with us but I've read it takes 3 months and we're not there yet.

I suppose I'm just looking for support really. As soon as DH came home I said he had to take over and I went upstairs as my own temper was very frayed. Having done my google research I now understand that tantrums start anywhere from 12 months as they seek independence!!


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

We had some (lots) of these in the early days, they are starting to get much less severe and we are seeing less of them.  Our approach was to lie BB down if he was kicking off and tell him to let us know when he'd finished!  Once he was calm we spoke about what his issue was (i.e. we know you are cross that xxx didn't happen but you need to xxx instead of screaming and shouting)... Picking him up could be detrimental to our health as he arches his back and would be close to head butting me a few times! We are still having some problems with slapping though! (him slapping us and the dogs, not the other way around!)

I had a few times (and still do) when I was getting really really cross and had to walk away.  I'm ashamed to say I did shout a few times but actually once or twice this helped as it kind of snapped him out of it, although I obviously don't recommend it!  Sometimes, if it was more of a whinge than a full blown tantrum I would mirror his whinging, that makes him laugh!  

We've clung to the fact that it's a phase and the more LO can verbalise his needs and understand his emotions and the more he trusts us, the less this will be a problem but I fully understand how frustrating it is because it feels like they are doing it for no good reason and you just want them to stop!    Generally we get the feeling he is less angry than he was and also as his language comes along he's finding it easier to cope. 

It will get better!  

ETA:  We also found that tantrums could be triggered by being hungry, having a poopy nappy or being tired, so eliminate other causes if possible.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

First ((hugs)) as I know how draining these episodes are. Are you really sure they are tantrums? In What Every parent needs to know" there is a good description of distress tantrums and little Nero tantrums. In the early weeks/months I felt ours were kiddy tantrums but actually they were distress tantrums. Thus I never left LO. I picked him up if he let us or put him safely on floor and stayed with him until he could get calm. These were awful to watch and sometimes he would hold breath and go blue or hit head or lash out (I had great teeth indents for quite done time). As time has went on, he really has been able to trust us and knows that a cuddle/us carrying him will help him regulate himself. These I call meltdowns.

Now we actually do have normal tantrums and we get feet stamping, no no no being screamed, screeching it throwing things. These are so much easier to deal with - normally a firm no, quick reason why then distract or let him get calm. But sometimes we have to physically remove from shop or trolley etc but this is rare ATM.

Let me know if you want me to notate the info between these types if tantrums and see if that makes sense.

I wrote a similar ish post and got done great advice - I think it was "genuine distress or controlling behaviour" so that's worth a try to.

HTH x x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Gertie

To be honest I'm not sure. I thought it was too early for such behaviour but friends with similar aged (non adopted) children say their children do the same - including throwing themselves to the floor, biting etc.

My LO has started protesting about a lot of ordinary things like having her nappy changed or getting dressed, which is all age-appropriate protests. She has started kicking us during nappy changes. She occasionally hits us (deliberately) if she wants our attention and we are mid-something.

She has been having bouts of separation anxiety when I leave the room and yells the house down even though others are with her, and will scream or yell if she can't have or reach something. She often wants the iPad which we put out if reach and this will lead to her getting angry. I ignore this completely and she will then become distracted by something and it stops. Having said this I left her in crèche for the first time on Sunday and she was absolutely fine. I didn't think she would be but she was, didn't even notice me go and just grinned when I returned at the end. They knew I was concerned and halfway through came to reassure us she was fine.

So to be honest, I tend to think they are mini-tantrums. They're not the full blown supermarket nightmare floor-throwing variety yet but I think they're the prequel!

ETA: Just ordered a book on toddlers to help me understand her better! Also read up on the two types of tantrum - very interesting.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi,

It's soo difficult in the early months analysing everything with Los so young is it? There may be a part if it that's normal stage but if I was you I would do lots of keeping her close with only you or DH for a few weeks and pampering to her whims or give attention and then see if they reduce then you will know. If they are age tantrums then they'll continue, if distress they do get better and much less in frequency or duration.

You say she didn't seem to mind being left in a crèche? Was this one she knows the adults or just a drop off one, if its the latter then that would maybe be a trigger as that would probably be quite scary to a LO who moved to strangers a few months ago? Sorry if I've got the wrong end of things. 

I know we were told never to leave LO with anyone other than us or very close family pre AO (but all SWs are different).

(Hugs) x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Turns out she's not very well, which would appear to be the cause of the meltdowns....she's got a cold which I now have so if she felt yesterday like I do today, it's no wonder she's been emotional, but until she started the snot phase I didn't know.

She genuinely didn't mind crèche, she kicks off completely if she's not happy and is never backwards in coming forwards. She's been in there a few times with me staying and Sunday was her first try on her own and she really was fine. On occasion when I leave the room at my in-laws to use the loo she gets upset, but there was none of this on Sunday and she adores being with other children playing so it was fun for her. Thing is the AO won't be for months and as I go to church every week, if I sit in with her for 6 months week in week out, it will never be ok for me to let her go it alone to her, and as this will be a regular thing for one hour a week on a Sunday, after a few weeks in with her it was time to test the waters. I know it didn't cause an issue because she really is not one to suffer in silence, had she been unhappy, the whole building would have known. She was pleased to see me but not even in a 'mummy where have you been?' way. I was very surprised to be honest and she was fine the next couple of days which in my experience with adopted children in the family would have been when the reaction would have come.

I'm now sure that the last 24 hours have been down to her feeling poorly...it's just so hard when they can't tell you, but looking back, she was less hungry and cried on and off all day yesterday and a lot of today but perks up after calpol. The cries are just whenever, so poor little thing is probably feeling rough, I know I am now.


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## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Aww poor mite. Mummy knows best x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Poor thing! Hubby read something which is just so true in toddlers - they don't know or they have forgotten what they were cross about in the first place - they are not very clever yet and don't know how to bring themselves down either!


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