# I can't see the light anymore



## rosey (Mar 11, 2005)

After 3 failed ivf transfers I'm not stranger to dissapointment, but this time I've fallen from a great height (10 days late and a BFN) and it hurts so very very much. I put on a brave face with other people (Iv'e amazed myself at my acting skills!), but when  i'm alone (which is most of the day) I'm somebody I dont know. Tears burn my eyes from the minute I wake up to when my DH comes back and I just cant find the strength to get back up or fill this huge emptyness I feel. 
I hope by writing this somebody will answer me, you've helped me once before, can someone help me now?


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## Sham69 (Nov 4, 2004)

Rosey

I know it seems impossible now but it will get better take care of yourself   just tell yourself I will be a mummy thats what keeps me going 

Sharon x


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## rosey (Mar 11, 2005)

Thanks sharon. xxx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Rosey hun  it is so hard, I understand exactly what you are saying and I know I cannot take your pain away but  please know that we are all here for you hun.  When I have felt this low I have got into some terrible states but in the end I have come out stronger.  Past posts on here of mine will confirm that bad way I have been in at times but I come back fighting everytime.  Its taken a lot of tears,  a lot of rows with my DH but it does get better in time and we live to fight another day so to speak.

Try and look after yourself sweetie, hard I know when you feel absolutely awful but you are a special person, your time, my time ALL our times will come hun I am sure of it.


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## rosey (Mar 11, 2005)

Thankyou niki.
Your message has made me cry again, but this time I'm sure their healing tears.
xxx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

I always think you have to grieve until you can heal, I know grieve may seem the wrong word for you but I find I have to have a good cry if I am down, there isn't any point in holding things in because that makes them hurt more I feel.

Right now things are bad for you but please know that things do get better.

Its exhausting mentally and physically ttc and go knows I wish we could all fall pregnant easily but we are strong women here and what keeps me going is the thought that one day I will have my baby and this hard and long journey will just make it all that more special.

I don't mean to make you cry sweetie but please do not feel you have to go through this alone ok, we are all here for you - one day I am sure you'll help me too.


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

rosey, i can't really add much to what Nikki and sharon have said but wanted to send you a big   and let you know you are not alone hun OUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE on way or another  

pam xx


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## rosey (Mar 11, 2005)

Thanks for the big hug pam...
...and look at me...no tears!


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## B3ar (Jul 6, 2005)

Hey Rosey

I just had to send you a message to let you know that you are far from alone.  We are all here for you and we will get through this together 

The pain gets more bearable as the time goes on and your strength will build itself back up again.  Don't let yourself be beaten or give up on your dream.  

Loads Of Love and Hugs
Lisa
xxx


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## selinaggs (May 10, 2005)

Dear Rosey

I am in the same state as you 2 failed ICSIs.  Sitting at home all by myself and crying. I cried so much that my chest hurts and can't cry no more. 
It will be our turn soon.

Love
Selina


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## Rachel (Mar 10, 2004)

Hi Rosey 

Huge huge hugs sweetheart     

Remember, you are NEVER alone here. There will always be someone to give you support and a hug  

Take care

Lots of love, Rachel xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Selina, here's a big   for you too hun. time is a great healer you are strong because i think anyone who goes through ivf/icsi must be a strong person otherwise we would never get through at all  

pam xx


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## rosey (Mar 11, 2005)

oh selina...its hurts doesnt it. Lets hope tomorrow we will feel a little stronger. My thoughts and love are with you.


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## rosey (Mar 11, 2005)

Thanks racheal and lisa. Hugs and good advice well recieved and understood!


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## gill0268 (Jan 28, 2005)

Rosey
I'm so sorry for you.  My thoughts are with you and I hope that one day soon you will get what you want.
Take care.
Gill.x


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## rosey (Mar 11, 2005)

Thanks jill. Lets wish the same for everybody on this site.
No tears in 2hrs...and counting


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## Dee (Jan 27, 2003)

Dear Rosey and Selina

I think the girls have given you great advice and support today - and am so pleased it has helped you Rosey and hope it has helped you too Selina.

All I wanted to add was that each ounce of that pain will become worth it when your dreams come true.  I now class myself as one of the lucky ones ... my miracle was born last December after a long and hard fight.  I'll never ever forget the pain that went alongside that fight but every ounce was worth it when my dream came true.

Cuddle yourselves and cuddle your partners ... take comfort from each other.  For me the most important thing to was never to stop remembering the reasons why you love each other and to never stop believing that together you can make your dreams come true.

Keep fighting girls ... I wish you heaps of love and luck
Dee
xxx


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## selinaggs (May 10, 2005)

Dear Rosey, Pam and Dee thanks for all your messages.

Love
Selina


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

Hi Rosey and Selina,

I'm so sad to read the hurt the two of you are feeling right now, as I do really understand how painful the emotions are with failed treament.

I've been in the similar shoes to the two of you on many occassion and although I am now extremely lucky and have my dream boy fast asleep as I type, who was born in November 2003, the pain of the five ICSI cycles, with negative endings or no fertilisation is engrained deep in me.  The pain is numbed now though as I never gave up hope and always believed (though struggled too!) that I was destined to be a mummy, so each time I picked myself up and dusted myself down and on I went.

The way I've just written that makes it sound so easy, that couldn't be further from the truth.  On I went with a 'face', pretending I was strong, pretending I was coping, when inside I was crumbling, but crumbling or not, I had no choice, I had to carry on, I wanted my baby too badly.

So girls, please hang in there.  You will deal with each cycle very differently.  You wont know how you are going to cope, until you have to.  

I handled my first two failed cylces on my own - they were before this site existed.  After my second cycle, I felt so low, the pain was enormous and it scared me.  I panicked - although I knew I had to keep going if I was to get my baby, what if I had another failed cycle?  So at this point I decided to build myself a safety net - I seeked counselling at my Clinic, I wanted to establish a good relationship with the Counsellor, so that if I was ever to experience another failed cycle, I would feel comfortable going to see her, coz i expected by that time, I would barely be able to drag myself out of bed.

However, towards the last few days of the 2ww of my 3rd cycle, I found this site and when my cycle failed, I didn't go to see the Counsellor, my friends on here pulled me through, but what I actually did was throw myself into helping others on here, not giving myself the time to dwell on the hurt I was feeling.

I'll not go into more details on how I dealt with the next couple of cycles - but by the end of the fifth, I was lower than I thought ever existed and for the first time in my plight, I had to have a break, recover, pick ourselves up, be ourselves, go on holiday. whereas, up until then as soon as our Clinic would allow us to do another cycle - we were there.  But this last time, our cycle ended miserably in July 2002.  So we decided not to even think about things again until the new year of 2003.

During my break, I had lots of Reflexology, took loads of vits, etc... all the things you do when you are so desperate to say you gave it your all.  Anyway, January 2003 came and I started my sixth cycle - I was so laid back, I shocked myself.  By now knowing so much of what to expect, what could go wrong, the dread pee-sticks etc... I didn't think I'd ever be able to do an ICSI cycle, taking each step in my stride (there were a few hic-cups, where big strides were required), but I did and to my total disbelief it worked!

But the hurt is still with me, but it's eased by me now having been one of the lucky ones.

Please take time to allow yourselves to come to turns with what you so hoped could have been.  You have already had some lovely advice that I'll say 'ditto' to.  I hope that my experience may give you some encouragement and hope that I haven't added to your hurt, I'd hate to think I could do that to anyone.

Wishing you both every success for when you have the strength to move on with your next cycle.

Love,

Sue xxx


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## egf (Aug 11, 2005)

Hi Selina

I'm so sorry my thoughts are for you and your DH   

Take care 

Load of love and hugs  
Liz


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## Pootle (Aug 22, 2005)

Rosey/Selina

I hope today is a teeny tiny bit easier for you both

Big hugs
x


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## rosey (Mar 11, 2005)

Thanks Pootle, yes I feel a little better today. How can I not when so many of you have taken the time and effort to reach out to me. 
Every time I feel a bit woobly I can come in here and feel cared for and loved, the two things that make life worth living. Yesterday I felt like dying, today...well I feel like getting dressed and maybe even a little trip to the shops. 

ps. thanks also to Sue and Liz. xxx


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

rosey i'm soooooo pleased you are feeling better today, it will do you good to get out of the house for a bit  

Sue your post was amazing, summed it all up really  thanks for sharing it with us hun

pam xx


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

Rosey, glad that today has been a little more bareable.  I hope you managed your trip to the shops and perhaps a little retail therapy.  Been thinking of you and Selina loads today, hoping the pain and sadness has started to numb down a bit.

Take care of yourself,

Love,

Sue xxx


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## selinaggs (May 10, 2005)

Dear Pootle, Sue, Pam, Liz and Rosey

Thanks for all your lovely messages. I am not crying much but very sad within, managed to call for job applications.  Have a great fear when I think ahead.
 . 

Love
Selina


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## Sue MJ (May 4, 2002)

Selina,



would rather think of you crying than being so sad within, at least then some of the tension is released... but instead, on goes the face, the brave one that we all have to get out so often.

One thing though, to have great fear when thinking ahead at a time like this, just proves that you are perfectly normal.  The fear will lessen, the hope will brighten, but it will take time.  Take one day, one step at a time, set yourself little goals/challenges and tackle them in small chunks.  Sounds like you are already doing that calling for job applications - so I will wish you all the best in that one.

Keep posting here, if it is your one place to release your sadness and be your true self.

Love,

Sue xxx


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## Elaine R (Aug 19, 2003)

You are not alone!  3rd failed IVF cycle last week on top of two IUI's, 8 goes with clomid - not to mention 2 gynae. ops, laps & dyes and laser surgery to remove endometriosis!

I feel like a boxer being punched to the floor each time.  I just manage to stagger to my feet to try again and wham - another punch.  It's complete pants!  I support loads of people going through fertility treatment only to watch them get positives whereas I am always getting the bad news.  It is beginning to be like a stuck record - same s**t, different day!  Or always a bridesdmaid, never a bride!

I am even starting to resent people, who conceive first time with IVF - never mind people who fall pregnant as easily as falling off a log!  Is this normal?!  Well, I think this situation is not quite normal but it is a warped normality for all of us.  Sadly there are the ones who are jammy for whom IVF works first time and then there are the old-timers like myself, plodding on miserably, desperately hoping for a break.

At the end of all of this not only do we deserve babies but medals for what we have endured.  Even raising the finances is difficult and there are those getting it paid for and those of us who have to pay for everything.  I have spent over £8000 and have nothing to show for it!

I know that we are on downers because we have just gone through another cycle for it to end in tears but why oh why do some of us have to keep suffering through cycle after cycle and others just get a BFP first time?!!!

All we can do is grit our teeth, try to plan for the next attempt and meanwhile try and ignore all the kids, pregnant people, Pampers adverts, parents, who moan about not having any free time, etc.  I get through it by thinking that I don't want their baby or children but just my own!

I have only cried for a couple of hours this time - it's bottled up inside somewhere but I cannot keep feeling down all the time.  Life's too short and I have spent 7 years, desperate for a baby.  

Just type exactly what you are feeling and it is surprising how many of us are thinking exactly the same.  We are not alone but when our babies eventual come along they will know that they are extra special because we have had to go to hell and back to get them.

Take care and maybe we can make FF punch-bags for anyone getting a BFN!  Would certainly do me a load of good right now!

Love,

Elaine R xx


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## Mrs Nikki (Nov 13, 2004)

Just wanted to send you all a massive


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