# Counselling Advice



## woolybird (Jun 2, 2007)

Hello Everyone,

I am new to these boards but sadly not infertility.  My husband was diagnosed with testicular failure at 27 and we have been coming to terms with our unplanned life. We have had no formal counselling and generally I feel much better than at the start, but I'm realy struggling with pregnant friends & colleagues I just get really agressive & bitter.  I have been to se my GP and he has suggesting counselling but the no's he gave me are unobtainable.  I'm sure there must be specialist help but am anxious about what happens and how I will talk without crying!

Has anyone had counnselling? did you feel it helped & how did you get it?

Thanks in advance for your help

Claire


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## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Dear Claire,

Best advice I can give you is to go to www.bicanet and see if there is a specialist infertility counsellor in your area - there aren't many in each county so you may have a trek, but they are particularly good at delaing with childlessness issues. Failing that, you could try the BACP or Relate (if it's spilling into your relationship); they both have websites, so google them. Most importantly, who ever you go for, check out what the letters after their name actually mean, and if you want further help with that, let me know.

I have just finished seeing a specialist infertility counsellor and it has made a world of difference to my capacity to face a childless life. I'm sure others will quickly tell you there story....

There are also great books available - my favourite is Sweet Grapes by Jean and Michael Carter - try an Amazon search or see what other recommendations come on this thread.

And stick around with us for a while - we all have different reasons for being childless, but we all will get how you feel more than the general populus does, and it can be a tremendously supportive place to be....

Love,

MM xxx

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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

Hi Claire,

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time, but you have come to the right place.  

I have had counselling on and off over the years, some good and some not so good. I found counsellors either through my GP or through the companies I worked for - a lot of organisations have access to counsellors on a confidential basis through employee assistance programmes. Check your staff handbook or ask your HR department about this. The best counsellor I ever found was through one of these. There are a number of organisations who have directories of qualified counsellors (BICA and BACP for example) but I have never used these. I think our own Maggie Mae will be able to give you more information when she comes online. 

You mentioned talking without crying. I felt exactly the same, but found that I burst into tears as soon as I started to talk about my reasons for being there. It was such a relief to be able to let it out - we tend to keep it in because we are so worried about upsetting others, or being seen not to be in control. In my case I kept a lot in because I felt I had exhausted the sympathy and patience of those around me. Counselling is a confidential and safe environment for you so that you can explore your feelings. I am not an expert in this - there are others much better qualified to discuss this with you - but in my experience, the right counsellor will enable you to move forward.

As for being aggressive and bitter about pregnancy - if you have a look at some of the threads on this board you will see that is a common feeling among us all. It is OK to feel like that, and this is a great place to express all the bad stuff, because we don't judge each other and we do understand.

Look after yourself,
Love,
Solitaire
xxx


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## solitaire (Mar 26, 2007)

MM - you beat me to it!

Claire - I knew MM would be able to advise you!

S
x


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## Myownangel (Aug 24, 2005)

Dear Claire,
I'm glad you have come to this board - you are not alone. And I think knowing this simple fact can help enormously. You can always post your thoughts and feelings here. The women are very supportive - as we have all been where you are (or are still there!)  I have had counseling through my GP surgery - but I had to wait several weeks. You should ask your doctor and put your name down asap to get on the list. I found that it did help - and I have to tell you that I cried A LOT in most of the sessions - you shouldn't worry about doing that, it's all part of letting it out. You need to cry. Counsellors are used to it (there is always a box of tissues strategically placed!)
Seeing preggo women is always difficult. It's a normal feeling for someone in your situation. It does not make you a bad person - it makes you a normal person. I think you sound as though you need to ackowledge your grief. Yes you are in grief - for the children you will not have. As women it goes so deep, it's like a part of ourselves is denied. I hope you find someone to talk to face to face - but remember you are welcome to post here as often as you need to. We do understand and will try to help.
Bernie xxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Claire, I can't echo the sentiments of the other ladies any better.

I hope the info that has been offered has been some help to you? You are always welcome to post here as well hon, I know that sharing my feelings has helped me a lot.

Big squeezy   winging their way to you

Love,
Emcee x


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## Ermey (Aug 17, 2004)

Dear Claire

Was very sorry to read your story. If there's one place on FF that will truly understand its the lovely girls here in the Moving On thread. They've been a rock of support to me.

On the subjct of counselling, I too was worried at the thought of having to talk to someone when i knew that I would sob at the slightest opening of the wound. i think its because we get so used to having to keep oursleves together when we are around other people...we don;t want to upset the ones we love, and the ones we don't love just wouldn't understand. 

One thing that helped me was to remember that the fact I felt I was liekly to sob was the very reason why I was considering counselling. I needed somewhere safe and private to let it out! I DID sob...for a full hour...its draining, and hard to open up those hurts, but I felt SO much better afterwards. Every week I would go and sob, and come back feeling a little bit lighter inside.

On the subject of feeling bitter and angry about prgs, as the girls hve said this too is completely normal part of your grief. I just wanted to let you know that I don't know about the others here, but 15 months on from my last tx I no longer feel quite so eaten up with bitterness and poison when i see pg women or small babies. Yes, I have days where it really hurts still, but those days have become less over time, and easier to manage when they do come. I know its an annoying cliche but time really has been a healer. The hurts are still there but you learn to manage them better and they are not quite so raw. 

My advice is to aim to get through one day at a time...even an hour at a time if thats what you need. Eventually you start to get little breaks from the pain. After that the ok days slowly get more frequent, and the really awful days happen less often.
I can remember being thrilled when i reaised I'd had 4 good days on the trot. Now I only have truly awful days once in a while. There are all the different shades of sadness in between but things DO get easier.

Sorry if my waffling is not much help, but I know the girls here will look after you so do keep on posting.

Ermey xx


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## Cheshire Cheese (Apr 19, 2005)

Hello everybody,

Sorry you are having such a hard time, we can both relate to what you are saying about friends and family etc getting PG and how it affects you.

Just to add to what all the others have mentioned really.

We have both received counselling over the past 4 years for one thing or another related to our rocky road through fertility treatment.
We had a joint session once where we both went into together and that was fantastic as with counsellor got both feelings out at the same time so we both felt how the other was feeling.
This was a big step for us as my wife was becoming insecure alot, and all the those feelings came out which we were able to deal with 

I have found the whole counselling stuff beneficial as these people who are the counsellors don't know you and are therefore non judge mental of your situation, there is definitely nothing to fear about seeing a stranger, there isn't anything they may have not heard before.

The NHS should provide some counselling for you, some insurance policies do, and i have used our works counsellor before to. 

Hope this helps in someway 

Regards CC


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