# To have tx or not to have tx?-That is the question!



## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Dh and I have been discussing recently whether to have one last go at icsi.
I cannot believe that I am writing this after 4 years of heartbreak, but I'm actually a little unsure about if I do want to go through this again. I quite like my life at the moment-being able to pretty much do what I like when I like and not being tied down. Being able to go out for a meal or drinks or the cinema at the drop of a hat and no big tantrums out in public (unless dh has really upset me-ha, ha!)
Reading 'childfree and loving it' has made me think alot about things and I'm quite happy, for much of the time, and when it comes down to it, my life is pretty full as it is.

Do I want children more just because they're something I want and can't have?

pp xxx

p.s from all the thinking and soul-searching I do, I should have studied philosophy....


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hi PP
Lovely to hear from you!!! 
Quite a difficult one the hardest decision of all....and often it causes a lot of soul searching, until you can make some sort of decision...I think that is the worse part of the whole IF journey!!!...
I gather that you have sat down with your hubby to discuss this...I am also sure that you have looked at the pros/cons...Is it that your hubby would like to go for another ICSI and maybe deep down, its there in your own deep thoughts?
Have you thought of both of you sitting down with a piece of papaer and looking at whether a treatment would be what you both really want? Divide the paper into two halves and write down why you want the treatment, the chances etc..and why you do not?etc
THere is nothing wrong PP in going for another treatment, if you feel that it will help you to make those final decisions...
Do you want to do it? just to take that chance that it could be successful?
What are your chances ....sorry thats quite a harsh question, but for alot of people if they answer this question find that the answer is lying there?
I don't want to bring myself into the equation. But i did one more tx, knowing the odds were stacked against me (due to previous failures) but i needed to go through it, to give me one last chance and also to call it a day...i felt in control and as much as it did hurt, i felt total relief and infact that cycle was the least painful...bizarre..
I know the other girls on the thread will also offer some valuable help for you, on what is a hard and mind taxing decision...
My thoughts are with you...
love astridxx


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hi Astrid,
Thanks for your ever-wise advice.
I think what you said about doing one last tx, even though the odds are stacked against us, is very valid. Perhaps that's why I'm hesitating about making a decision as I know that if we fail then that will be it-the final closure of one chapter and the start of another without children.
So nice to 'see' my friends again! Hope you are all well.
lol pp xxx

p.s Are you going to 'V' this weekend? I'm soooo jealous, you lucky thing!


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello PP
I think the other thing that does put pressure on us, is thinking that this is the last tx? maybe if you go for it, you will slowly make your mind up during the whole process...Even though i knew it was my last one, i also knew that if i wanted to go for another one, nothing would have stopped me...
I think what i was doing was mentally putting the jigzaw puzle together, we both gave it our best...the result was just typical of the previous tx...not in a sniff in how many years..I think thats why i knew it was the end....does that make sense? 
Yep i am off to V this weekend...I am so looking forward to Groove Armada and Faithless..i have seen them before and i loved them....flipping eck, i must be one of the oldies there...but hey i do not care...we love it..
keep in there, its not easy...we only have one life!!!
lots of love astridx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi PP

There are no right or wrong answers to this one! We went for a final tx because we wanted to be able to say we had honestly tried everything we could, and we could look back on things without any regrets.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the very best for everything.

Love & best wishes
Emcee x


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## Dydie (Feb 11, 2005)

Hi PP
I've been in a similar boat recently but it's just me that wants to try tx again, dh is not interested as he now has his dd and grandson and I think he feels his life is fulfilled on the child front ... he's more intersted in saving money for the future than spending it on trying ivf.
Personally I feel like I have not done enough to try and fulfill my dream of being a mum, I have only ever had one round of ivf and that was donkey's years ago with my ex-dh.
I think you need to feel that you have done all you can in order to move on without regret.  This is a very personal decision for you and I just wanted to wish you luck for whatever you chose to do.
Dydie xx


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## coxy (Aug 4, 2005)

Hi,
I went through a similar thing with my dh, as i'd already done one go of ICSI with an ex partner and so when the cons told me and dh that we would have to have ICSI, i was dead set against the idea, didnt think i could face the heartache again, to a certain extent dh tried to pressurize me into agreeing to ICSI again and even my mum rang him to tell him to back off a bit as she know what i was like when my first ICSI didnt work, but i did eventually agree to another go as like my mum later explained, it wasnt fair that i wasnt willing to have ICSI with dh after i'd gone through it all with my ex, so our ICSI attempt was abandoned cos i developed a cyst, and then we decided to have 1 last go in Feb this year, which was a BFN.  We went back to see the cons who suggested ICSI again but neither of us could face it again, and so he recommended clomid and IUI, so far in 3 rounds of clomid we've only managed to have 1 go at IUI and i can honestly say im sick of the whole lot, i want to give up but i dont want to give up if you know what i mean??

I think things have been made worse today cos one of the girls in the office leaves to go on maternity leave today and its made me realise, that after 10 years of trying i dont think i will ever have a child.

Julia x


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## ruby k (Jun 2, 2004)

Hi PP and girls
I think this is very very hard - knowing whether to have 'one last go' - as many of you know I am struggling with this very issue at the moment. I think its just so hard, and unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom (yet!!) - but I do know that the others are absolutely right in that its a really personal decision - one which only you and your dh can make. Don't put any pressure on yourself just yet - just live with it and see what each day brings for a while... I do believe that the 'answer' will emerge re what to do next. I do understand though and whilst I can't give you much advice, I CAN give you a big fat   and send you lots of support and decision making vibes!!
lots of love, ruby xx

ps. julia, sorry you're feeling low


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## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hi girls,
I think we probably will have one last go so we can have some closure on the subject and try to move on with our lives-whatever path that make take. But it feels pretty scary, I haven't got that 'desperate' feeling that I had the first two goes when I wanted to get the treatment done as quickly as possible, I'm far more wary of it all now.
I feel it's ironic how if this decision was out of our hands and we simply fell pregnant at the drop-of-a-hat we wouldn't be such deep thinkers about the whole situation. For example, my brother and his two young children (who I adore) are staying with us at the moment and as much as I love them I could quite happily go off for a little siesta this afternoon-I'm knackered! Also, there's no saying that we could go through all this and have personality clashes with the child/children-this is something that I have an inherent fear of as I grew up with parents who for many reasons shouldn't of had children.
On the other hand, found out on Saturday that dh's brother and sil had a girl last week (first grand-child for our in-laws) and I felt gutted and cried most of the evening, it's so hard to keep yourself from feeling a failure.
Thanks to you all for your love and support, big hugs to all esp Julia-sorry you're feeling down.
lol xxx


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## NixNoo (Aug 19, 2005)

Hi ladies

Just wanted to say that we had our 'one last go' after a big break - we had already decided to give up around 8 or 9 years ago but came back again for our last attempt (never say never?).  

This final go ended up being 2 (see my profile) and cost us financially/emotionally and to be honest I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not, although had it been successful it would be a different story.

I guess it was the right thing to do cos it did put final closure to IVF for us cos really in the end the consultant said no more with my eggs, you see I was really wanting him to make the decision for me which he finally did. (I always said I wouldn't use donor eggs, just a decision that I had come to personally for us).

The dangling carrot is a horrible thing as we are always told there's hope but deep down I felt it would never happen for us.  Sometimes I wish there was no IVF so we weren't given a choice but of course that would be so unfair to the people who've had success with it.

It's such a tough one to deal with and can really relate to anyone having to make this decision.

Hugs to all you wonderful gals
xx


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## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello
I just wanted to say that this is so difficult and it causes so much pain...what to do, what not do ....
Goodluck PP, with your decision...
My thoughts are with you NixNoo and Julia... . Such a tough time that you are going through and been through..
I couldn't agree with you more NixNoo, about the dangling carrott....sometimes i wonder that having the wonders of IVF, just causes so much pain and of course joy for the succesful one...However, it is the girls that do not make it, you never hear about..
love astridxx


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