# Mixed Feelings



## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

I have come on here as have finally admitted to myself that I cannot do this anymore none of the treatment I have had has worked and I am mentally and physically exhausted and seem to spend more time crying than anything else at the moment, it finally dawned on me that its got to stop because I am getting really really low and finding it hard to bounce back after each bfn and Dr has said that my body is reacting abnormally to the treatment, meaning that I don't have good follicles or lining so useless for any kind of treatment. 

I shared with a friend that I am finding it really difficult dealing with the fact I will never carry my own child she replied to me saying that she never thought I should have gone through the treatment anyway as she didn't think I was strong enough and she didn't think I had enough family support  (my family are very supportive so don't know where this has come from!)    -  I had counselling a few years ago for things that happened to me as a child (mental and physical abuse and also being raped (unrelated) at the age of 15 )

I had counselling and I came out a much stronger person, it was incredible seeing things through another persons eyes and I had blamed myself for everything that had ever happened to me and I realised that I had to stop thinking like that ..

Anyway this friend is now throwing that back in my face ... I can't tell you how angry/frustrated I was with her e-mail I thought how dare you say that I am not strong - you have never been through fertility treatment, never had the things happen to you that have happened to me and never had your partner die in the middle of it - yes not only do I face the fact I won't have children but I have to say a final goodbye to my partner (we were undergoing fertility treatment when he died) 

I feel like I am taking tiny steps and have ordered every book I could find to help me do this .. so once I have read them I will have lots of books to pass on! 

At the moment I seem to have good days where I just get on with things and I am ok and then days where I just feel this huge sense of loss and sheer devastation .. its wierd having different feelings on different days.. and I feel a wierd sense of relief that the constant pain each cycle is coming to an end, I am thinking of taking a good 6 months or so off for 'me' time to regain my strength and get the bounce back and going to do up my home and then apply to adopt.

Anyway hope that I can be a support to others in the same situation   and gain some wisdom from you fantastic brave amazing women  

Cat x ..sorry for the ramble


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## VT (Aug 5, 2005)

Oh Cat

I am so sorry that you have been through such awful things.

Welcome to our threads. I am sure you will find the girls (and some guys) here really supportive and friendly.

I don't have much time but didn't want to just read and run, so just a quick one from me.

I think you are so right to be thinking about taking some time out, it doesn't make your troubles go away but does allow you the breathing space to be strong enough to deal with them. There is definitely no harm in taking sometime to look after yourself and take the pressure off and allowing yourself to grieve.

It is a long slow process but you will get there, unfortunately there is no quick fix, you just got to get there however you can.

Please take care of yourself. I am sure the others will be here to say hi to you later.

Take care

VT
x


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## Guest (Nov 23, 2007)

Cat, 

I too am so very sorry for everything that you have been through. Not a strong person? My god I don't think a person could be any stronger!!! My heart goes out to you, I would seriously question if this friend is one worth keeping  

We are all here if ever you need propping back up  

Love &   xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thanks everyone x

Just had a long heart to heart with my Mum about it and she said the same thing, if it were the other way round I would have gone and given her a big hug and talked to her about it - not said well I didn't think she was up to it anyway! I don't think she see's how hurtful it is.

Anyway I am not going to let her get me down I feel quite positive at the moment.. I have been through a lot in my life and I do think of myself as a strong person - but I am human too.
Cat x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

Hi Cat

Sorry to hear you have been through so much, to loose a partner is a thought I couldn't even comprehend and you have done so well to handle that whilst having way too many hormones in your body. Lets face it they make us feel insane without all the other c*** life throws at us. I too have learnt that when you share your bad experiences from childhood with others that they abuse your vulnerability. What these silly people do not realise is it takes a VERY strong person to survive abuse as the pain never leaves you, you just learn to accept and move on. That takes a long time and I applaud you for taking those steps. Maybe you should tell her that you are glad she said what she did as it makes you happy that she hasn't had similar experiences as you wouldn't want that for her. Of course there is no excuse for a lack of tack or just giving you a cuddle. Glad you are staying positive.

Nice to meet you.
Yxx


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Cat

Massive cyber   winging their way to you, your friend must indeed have led a sheltered life if her idea of offering support is to say she thinks you should never have gone through tx in the first place... its a bit like locking the stable door once the horse has bolted saying that, and not very supportive despite everything you've been through already.

Just wanted to acknowledge your post and to say welcome hon.

Love
Emcee xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thanks for your support ..


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## brown (Oct 19, 2007)

Hi Cat

Ive not long joined this thread either and have found it a great place to sound off. In my eyes you are such a strong woman and I truely
admire that. Take care love from Suxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Had another e-mail from this 'friend' saying that all my friends are thinking the same but just not telling me (she doesn't know any of my other friends as always strangely refused to meet any of them for one reason or another!) she slagged off my family, said that I need to get a grip as I am just a single person trying to be artificially inseminated and that I shouldn't spend time on fertility sites I should get out in the real world and that other people have problems ( err yes I know   ) so I have decided that I am calling our 'friendship' a day, I just wish she could spend one day knowing the pain that I feel at knowing I will probably never have my own child maybe that would make her realise that it makes no difference that I no longer have a partner I still crave his and my own child. 
Cat x


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## Yamoona (Nov 7, 2005)

and who asked her opinion, no-one right. Cut her loose, she is not worth it by the sounds of it. She must have such a boring existence if she has had to make yours her main focus, sad really.


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

What a 24 carot STUPID MOO 

What is her problem, does she have such a sad and pathetic existence that she has to make everyone elses lives a misery around her?

Block her email says me, and don't respond to her [email protected] ever again! 

Sounds like she talks out of her  and you are right to call it a day between you both. Life is too short to be treated like this by so-called 'friends'

Big   to you, big   to her!

Love 
Emcee xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thanks hunny I have done just that so they are bouncing on back to her - have been totally honest with some of my other friends and talked to them about it and they think she is nuts ! lol .. so well rid of having such a destructive negative person around me I think.. its like one of my friends said ..even if they had thought what she thinks which they don't there are a lot more pleasant ways of approaching a subject - and they are horrified ..its funny cos it has made me even more determined to get what I want out of life ..
Cat x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Good for you being able to see the positive out of such a negative 'experience' (meaning your now ex friend)!

May her emails to you boing forever more in the opposite direction to your pc!

Heres to blocking idiots, and determination to make some good out of all the [email protected] thats been flung at you hon! Am very proud of you (and a little in awe of you too after all you have been through).

Lots of love
Emcee xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Don't be in awe of me hunny   I am lucky in lots of ways as have been in countless car accidents that could have been fatal but weren't and have been through other stuff that has made me stronger and more empathetic as a person but I have had mega down times too throughout my life so I have not always been this strong but in some ways the more cr*p that has been flung at me the stronger I have become - and my counsellor that I had was great cos she really helps you to look on the positive and think about things differently - she is worth her weight in gold ! and I definately believe that getting help does not make you a weak person - it just helps you to get out there and kick ar*e!!

Cat x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

and it is a rollercoaster ride .. reading a book called beyond childlessness and some of the stories involve women who have had abortions which although I am not against abortion in certain circumstances it makes you think hang on a minute if you had several abortions surely you are choosing to be childless and it made me want to have a little rant   .. I am not choosing this   .. this is not my choice    .. my choice would be 4 little ones making lots of noise and creating mess   all that and I am only on page 30  

Hope everyone is ok    x
Cat x


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## jq (Nov 14, 2006)

Hi Cat,

I have just come back here today and am trying to catch up with everyone. I hope you have found some support here as it sounds like you need a bit of understanding. Well done for ditching a negative so called friend.

Jq xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

JQ - Thanks hunny   I have always found FF a great source of support   ..in fact I don't know what I would have done without it .. its funny cos I havn't missed her at all ..I always felt a bit like a naughty child around her so its nice NOT to have have someone continually judging you. 

Cat x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Had a bad day today, went to Milton Keynes shopping; I was fine whilst I was there, mixing with the pregnant ladies, tiny babies, young children, older children, happy glowing families ..but when I got home I suddenly felt overwhelmed and sad and burst into tears, Christmas is going to be so hard this year.. I went out with my Nieces this evening and they were dressed really scruffy and I thought would it hurt for my sil/brother to put a bit of effort into those poor kids; they are happy to waste money on rubbish and then dress their kids in clothes that don't fit and are worn out; feel like picking them up and taking them home and making them feel like little girls should when they go out to a panto; pretty and sparkly..it drives me mad ..or perhaps I am just jealous of them and am jealous that they are not my little ones to be able to do that..although I do buy them lovely clothes whenever I can, but my SIL used to deliberately not put them in the clothes I had bought and when I would babysit I would find them hanging up still with their tags on 6 months down the line.. wierd!

Anyway sorry for having a moan .. I am just emotional and tired I think.. tomorrow is another day x
Cat x


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Big   to you Cat, am sure many of us have been there where you were yesterday watching the world go by and thinking that everyone is part of a happy family... am sure lots of people aren't but appreciate it can be such a struggle at the best of times, especially this time of the year...

Your SIL sounds like a right moo - is she related to mine by any chance  

Love
Emcee xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Emcee ..probably


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

In that case then, you have my utmost sympathy! 

What a 24 carot trout!  

Hope today has been gentler for you...

xxx


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Thanks hunny been fine since obviously just having a fragile moment ..now just back to being mad   lol 

It helps being so busy at work I think.. I don't have too much time to think about things.. and feel amazingly positive inbetween these blips!  got a busy social life for the next few wks too so hopefully that will help.. how is everyone else feeling at the mo ?

Cat x


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## wouldloveababycat (Mar 21, 2004)

Just wanted to update this .. to say that sometimes when we come across people who are a real negative influence in our lives .. it is sometimes a good thing to say goodbye, some 'friends' are just with us for a season in our life, my 'friend's negativity has made me all the more determined this year; I am getting myself back on track losing the weight I have put on through years of fertility treatment (I have lost 15lbs in a month) and I am having fun with my god-children, friends and family.. 

I do have bad days.. on the bus last week with two woman having a conversation about how one of them got rid of a child as she thought it was going to be one sex and it was the other and she couldn't love it .. well I was crying my eyes out by the time I got to work... but I have made peace with the fact that I am allowed to feel grief and it doesn't mean I am a bad person,  I have been given one last hope of IVF/SO but realistically if I have responded abnormally to every other treatment I am not sure this will be any different so I am researching adoption but even if I do not do either of these, whatever route I follow I have a new found strength (with help from my FF's/True Friends )that I can get through it even if it is a rocky road and not the road I thought I would travel.

Cat x


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