# Grief?



## rubster (Jul 26, 2011)

Dear ladies

I know many of you already know that my father passed away last October and that I was with him right through his illness and death holding his hand. Before during and after his death I had 3-4 rounds of IVF that didn't work.

Last week I buried my uncle, I was his next of kin (with my sister) and we we're with him right up to his death. 

I've felt so unhinged in the past week, dreams of loss, bouts of crying. I think I am experiencing cumulative grief (look it up, v interesting)...

My question is.... Am I also grieving the loss of the babies that never were? Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, especially when others give it no significance it makes me wonder if I'm being over indulgent? I never even had a BFP, so what am I grieving? 

Wise words please!!!

Rubster xxx


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## Molly99 (Apr 16, 2012)

Darling Rubster, you must feel like your world is falling apart. Sending you the biggest heartfelt hug xxx

I am so sorry for your loss. It is unfair and devastating to have to go through so much lovely.

I have heard of both cumulative grief and bereavement overload.

Have you heard of the Nightingale Centre? It struck a chord with me recently so I looked it up again for you http://nightingalecenter.com/?p=394

This is good too http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ I think that the start of it "Cumulative grief aka grief overload aka "holy crap I can't handle all this loss!" might scratch the surface of how you're feeling.

No one can take away your grief but it helps me to think that how I feel is normal and expected, that we aren't going crazy or being unreasonable. You're trying to find your way out in the only way that your mind and body can cope with.

Thinking of you muchly xxx

/links


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## tinkerbell24 (Apr 18, 2013)

You poor thing    your father and uncle would be very proud of you!! I lost my grandad who I was very close to 8 years ago and suffered a mmc and ectopic pregnancy. I obviously cried ect at the time then thought I was ok then just recently BAM I'm in floods of tears everyday thinking of my loses and everything getting on top of me feeling I couldn't cope. Finally I saw my doctor and was referred to counselling. It was great she told me I was suffering from grief because I didn't grieve properly in the first place. I felt I had grieved and thought what she said was wrong but the more I spoke to her the more I realised it was a delayed reaction and I was grieving. I spoke to her every week and cried when I needed to. she helped me through and I'd recommend it to anyone. Obviously counselling isn't for everyone but it's defiantly worth a shot I found things out I never new and my hurt went back even further in the past too. I stillhave bad days now but I've learnt to cope with them better but still need the support at times. And only feel I get the support I need on this site. Sending you   and hope you feel better soon x


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## Guest (Aug 14, 2014)

You're definitely not being overindulgent and sound the most wonderful person, being with your dad & uncle through to their last moments. I'm so sorry and so glad that you have a little munchkin who I'm sure will be so proud of you too. It really takes it out of you so I think the priority is finding ways of getting your energy back or adding to your reserves. It does take a while to move on from things and everyone is different, but such major life events are bound to affect you. 

I had a reiki session yesterday and I don't know if it helped me or not, but I'm looking for anything I can find that will  Rest and relaxation plus a little enjoyment or fun in life can really help too!

Sending you lots of appreciation and good wishes for the future!   Xxx


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## Starbright (Mar 3, 2010)

I am very sorry for your losses, big hugs to you. I do think infertility is a kind of bereavement. You always picture what you're life is going to be like, or have certainties that you will be a parent and when things don't work it's like the loss of a whole world of possibilities. 
My own Dad passed away a few years ago and it can still hurt even now. You've been through an awful lot in a short space of time, it's no wonder you feel the way you do. I do hope you manage to find some comfort. Sending you my very best wishes Xxx


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