# No more IVF, no second child, time to move on...



## KristyLou (Oct 15, 2010)

I am feeling broken-hearted but am trying to be brave. 
My latest IVF ICSI has failed and the future looks like it holds no more babies for me. I guess I'm searching for answers and feeling that life is unfair. 
I know the real answer is that I'm incredibly lucky to have my beautiful son - born after first-time ICSI success - my lovely husband and my health and wider family and friends. I have a good career that I enjoy and am financially fairly comfortable. I have lots to be grateful for and I am definitely grateful.
I just feel really worn down by three ICSI cycles. I'm worn down by the constant injections, procedures, hopefulness and rampant emotions during the two week wait.
I'm 35 so I guess I still have time to try again. But I'm starting to wonder if I can take it all again. I feel bad putting my husband and son through it with me, I feel bad at inflicting the cost upon our family. And the longer it goes on the bigger the age gap will be between my son and any sibling and I wonder how much he'll really benefit from it. Potentially it's likely he won't be that close to a much younger sibling and all it will do is take our attention away from him? Am I just pre-programmed to think I need two point four children?
And I wonder if I'm out of the groove now of having babies. My husband is 12 years older than me and he is a lovely man. He'll support me in anything but he's 48 and due to retire soon and I have to wonder whether a newborn is really the right thing now. Whether he's really got the energy to get up in the night and cope with another baby.
I feel in some ways it feels like we had a window to try for another one, we've given it our best shot, and it hasn't worked - so now I should move on and find other things?
Despite all this, I do feel completely heart broken and worry whether I can let this go or not. I'm just mindful I don't want to destroy all the good things I've got in some kind of relentless bid for something which is unlikely to happen?
When do you know when to stop and just be happy with the three of you?


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## Smurf2 (Mar 4, 2011)

KristyLou

Your thoughts and feelings seem to echo mine.  We have struggled to conceive our second child and are about to give de ivf one last cycle - which to be honest i'm preparing / mentally assuming that it won't work.

The last 18 months i've been thinking / feeling about nothing else and it has been quite isolating -in that in my group of friends/family there isn't anyone that is in the same situation as me.  Via the internet and a local support group, i know that i'm not alone in this.

I have just started / am trying out counselling - only had my first session the other week so it's still early days.  I'm doing it because i know that my mind is often my own worst enemy - i am mentally beating myself up about all this / trying to cope etc and need to get my head around all of this so that i can 'look forward' to the future.  I currently don't get excited or look forward to anything.

I'm 36 and don't feel like my fertile days should be over - but as time goes on and it doesn't happen, then i know that i need to come to some sort of acceptance / peace as otherwise i worry that i will always view my friends (with their 2 children!) differently.

Day to day i now try to be kind to myself and acknowledge that is ok for me to feel this way, and i try to protect myself from the whole pg/fertility/children thing which seems to be the centre of our lives at this age.

I don't know why i always assumed/thought that i would have/want two children - maybe it is society / maybe it is because that seems to be the common number amongst my family/friends.

I agree about feeling like you had a window for having another child.  I feel like that window has/is passing for me.  I don't particularly 'want' to be the mother of a newborn in my late thirties - and now that my son is nearly school age - we are beyond that baby/toddler stage - in so many ways we have moved on.

I'm sorry that i don't seem to have any answers...


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## Ladybird25 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hi Kristy-Lou



Your post seemed so rational to me - you've obviously worked through a lot of the emotions already (you're further along than me, so thanks because your post has helped me a lot).

There is also a 12 year gap between my DH and me and I can't help but feel the same way as you. I have only been through one ICSI and we were so fortunate. It scares me to think of going through the whole process only to experience a BFN and I'm so sorry that you've been that unfortunate three times. It is totally emotionally draining and it seems like you have so many pressures on you (the age of your DH and the age of your LO) weighing heavily. It's never good when you feel like you're working against the clock. For me, I had wanted a biggish gap (wanted DD to be at school age when I had another) to try to combat the attention issues and cost implications. I can totally appreciate why you wanted a small gap but would it be the end of the world if you decided to wait a little longer? There are bound to be positives in both situations and easing the pressure on yourself might be just what you need? Time to destress and to save the all-too-important moolah!

I guess nobody can tell us when enough is enough. It seems we have to come to that decision ourselves - has your DH told you how he feels about the whole process? Do you know that he feels like he may be unable to cope with a new baby or that your household will buckle under the cost of the procedures, or are you assuming that you're placing this burden on them, thus making it unfair? Surely, if this is something that you both long to do then you have a joint interest and are working towards it together - it can't be unfair in that case?

My personal feeling on it at the moment is that if you have a close relationship (and a strong one) then it makes it easier to decide whether you can go through the emotional turmoil of another cycle. Although I yearn for another child, I know in the back of my mind that I don't want to risk the health/relationship/coping ability of myself and my DH. With that in mind, I doubt I'll even pursue attempts at another baby. Once you've got over that huge challenge, you've then got to start the "getting on with other things". It seems like a never-ending set of challenges.

I so hope you can discuss with your DH and come to some agreement about where you think it's heading - I feel quite drained on your behalf hun and am sending you lots of positive thoughts and happiness for whatever this year has in store.

Lots of love,
LB x


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## KristyLou (Oct 15, 2010)

Thanks for your posts Ladybird and Smurf.  And thanks for your advice and positive thoughts, they were very cheering. 

I'm sorry I haven't been on here for a while. I've had a bit of a crazy time lately. On the positive side I've gone back to work and happily have had quite a few social things on in the evenings so have been keeping busy and haven't been digging the laptop out much. On the difficult side - I bumped into my brother's ex girlfriend last week. Her new partner has Cystic Fibrosis so although neither of them has fertility issues as such, they need ICSI to ensure his condition doesn't get passed on. On their second cycle they got their DD and when I saw her she was 15 weeks pregnant with twins after her fifth cycle. I'm pleased for her because she was completely desperate for another child, it was all she could think about. Although I did have a bit of a devil on my shoulder thinking why does it have to be her and not me (awful I know), it did actually get me to thinking that although I'd like another child I don't have that desperate yearning where I don't feel complete. I am really happy and do feel like I have a nice little family. Is it a sign?

Ladybird, I'm glad my post helped you, yours helped me too. I think you're right about me assuming I'm putting expectations on my DH without really consulting him about whether he feels put upon. He's always said he'd ideally love to have another baby but says he is essentially more than happy with our DS.  And although I'd ideally like not to have a huge age gap between our DS and any sibling, I wouldn't let it stop me from embarking on ICSI again. I think I just wonder if after three consecutive failures it would really be likely to work? It's just such a huge amount of time, emotion and money to gamble although obviously the reward can be so huge. You're right about you and I being fortunate in getting a BFP after one ICSI. I always thought it was lucky but the last three cycles have shown me just how lucky I was to get my DS. But you may well stand a good chance of another success - I was told at my second cycle we stood a more than 50 per cent chance of success. The figures were obviously against us but you might have more luck. Are you definitely decided against it?

Smurf, I think being kind to yourself is a really good approach. Are you finding counselling is helping you? I was wondering whether to pursue it? Are you having to pay privately or are you entitled to it attached to your clinic? Good luck with your de ivf. I wish I had some answers for you too. Life just really throws you a curve ball sometimes and really what the hell are you supposed to do with it? I guess all you can do is accept them and hope you don't get too many. I know what you mean about feeling isolated in it all. I really think IVF does that to you.

Looking on other part of these forums I always remind myself how lucky I am to have had a baby at all, there are so many women still waiting for any miracle to happen for them. I know it doesn't change the fact that it is so sad not to be able to have another baby though.

I'm still not sure what we'll end up doing. For now I am planning some weekends away, starting to think about planning my husband's retirement party in November, and generally focusing on the future. I can't say I'd never do IVF again but at the moment I still feel completely disinclined to go through it again. I have been giving some wavering thoughts to adopting. But I have to say I'm really scared about all the implications of that - whether it would adversely affect our DS, whether we'd be matched with a suitable child? But it reminds me that there are still options.

Goodnight to you both and I hope this message finds you both well.

KL x


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## susiemarmite (Sep 13, 2010)

Hello Ladies- i am pleased to read your posts - sorry for what you are going through but selfishly pleased there is someone else out there facing the same thoughts and conflicts that I am.  Our daughter is nearly 5 and after 3 years of ivf and donor ivf I don't know what to do ...

when is it time to say enough is enough ... and celebrate what we have?

i will be 44 in april - my daughter will be 5 - my husband will be 46 ... so a new baby ...?

i think our time is over but i don't know how to stop


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## Smurf2 (Mar 4, 2011)

KristyLou, i've managed to get a max of seven sessions free counselling locally (talking therapies - nhs).  I was able to self-refer, but i could've also have gone via my gp.  The counseller isn't related to fertility stuff - so in that respect she is completely independent of everything that i'm going through.

Yes, it's been helpful to talk.  I'm not a big talker but i've found it useful and also nice to have someone listening to me and supporting me for who i am.  I'm in a strange place at the moment because we are on our final de ivf cycle, but i think i'm feeling stronger about coping whatever the outcome.  

Susiemarmite - yes, it's difficult to know when enough is enough.  Certainly this will be our last de ivf cycle - financially / the emotional gamble - i don't want to do that anymore.  Age-wise i'll be 37 this year and while i still feel i should be 'able' to get pg again, i think i've lost that belief that i will.  And it's tiring pursuing a belief that you've partially given up on.  We will probably leave it up to mother nature for a little while if de ivf final cycle fails, but i don't want to leave it open-ended and reckon i'll be back on contraception / taking back control after maybe another 12 months.  With low amh and poor eggs, the likelihood of it happening for me is slim.  I was briefly back on the contraceptive pill to get the timing right for this cycle, and i have to say i think i felt quite good on it - my skin looked fresher and it'd be nice to have less heavy periods and to regulate my body again!


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## Wombly (Oct 17, 2007)

Hi Kristy-lou

Your post sounds like something I could've written. We were so lucky to get DS and i fear my quest for a sibling has left me more heartache than I thought it would. Sometimes I wish I could've just been happy with what I had a left it at that, just got on with life but I feel like its really taken over me, having 2 miscarriages just makes it worse 'cause you nearly had it, then it was taken away, its feels like we got so close. That's why we've decided to call it a day, I'm not that happy about it but I know it makes sense for us. I haven't been back to work since DS was born (apart from 4mths p/t and then had to leave for various reasons) and the finances are really straining, as is DH - he is so stressed as he feels he has a lot on his shoulders having to earn all the money and I feel bad not contributing financially. I feel like my quest for a sibling has emotionally & financially deprived DH & DS and its time to move on before I make it worse. Everytime I'm upset it makes DH feel really guilty and like he's let me down (we're MF) and I feel like I haven't been 'living' properly. 

So, this is our last go (currently on 2ww) and the embies didn't thaw v well so I'm not expecting a bfp but don't think I could go through it again - when do you say enough is enough? For me i have to draw the line somewhere and I know I'll start feeling better once I get out there, get a job & start feeling a bit more 'normal' as its become an obsession for me & i dont' think its a particularly healthy one. that's not to say the feeling that I would've liked a sibling will ever leave me but I think I'm going to have to 'shelve' it.
Wombly x


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