# What can I say to my beautiful amazing wonderful sister?



## sallyliz (Apr 15, 2012)

I hope this is ok to write this here. 

I am sat here crying as I write this... I'm on the other side of the infertility journey, and count my blessings every day. I'm currently expecting no.2 and yesterday I broke the news to my wonderful sister - we are extremely close. She has been TTC for nearly 13 years, had numerous rounds of IVF and 4 miscarriages - the most recent was the week before Christmas after FET and they had decided that that was their last go, so the end of their journey.

I found out in early Jan that I am pg again, after a miscarriage myself in October. It was a shock, and given my sister's miscarriage, the worst possible timing. After my MC in October, and the fact that it was her 40th birthday coming up in Feb which I wanted to make special, I decided to wait until 12 weeks to tell her, to avoid upsetting her until we knew things were ok this time (I'm still massively anxious that something could go wrong again).

I am now bitterly regretting that decision and wish I'd told her as soon as I knew in January. Needless to say the news did not go down well - she was shocked and just said "I don't have anything else to say" and ended the conversation. I feel so awful to be adding to her pain, it's the last thing I would ever want to do, and I wish I could make things better for her.

I don't know what to do now - do I call her again today, text her, just leave her alone for a while until she is ready to talk to me (what if that is never?). I live 300 miles away so can't just pop round and give her a hug. I guess I know a little of what she feels having struggled to conceive ourselves and had friends tell me they were pg during that time (one in particular very insensitively), but I can't really imagine how she must feel after such a long and cruel journey. I can't feel happy knowing I am causing her so much heartache.

Thank you for any advice.

xx


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## June2015 (Jun 20, 2015)

Oh, sallyliz, sorry to hear you're upset. 

Firstly, congratulations, whatever you're feeling, it is fantastic news that you're pg, no matter what pain anyone else is going through. I know that might sound callous of me, but it's true. 

You've done nothing wrong. Remember that. You're sister would probably have been just as upset if you'd told her in January or if you'd waited. 

Now, I'm sure you'll receive different schools of thoughts on this, but I'd approach this by sending her a text today, saying you love her. Keep it simple. Then give her a day or two, then call her, and find out exactly what she's upset about. I know that might sound stupid, but it could be due to a number of things.  It is that you didn't share your news sooner, or that she can't cope knowing you're pg, or that she feels her FET in December was her last go and so she's grieving for herself, etc. Essentially there isn't much you can say to someone in her position, you just have to be there for her and let her talk when she's ready. 

I'm sure after 13 years it must be horrendous for her, but given time I hope that she realises you've not done this deliberately and that her pain and yours eases. I'm sure she's looking forward to being an auntie again.

Wishing you luck hun, these things have a way of working themselves out xxxx


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## mmj (Jan 14, 2015)

Hi Sallyliz

I'm so sorry to hear about your sisters but congratulations on your pregnancy   I'll echo what June said-having been only on the receiving end of pregnancy news, I can say that there is no wrong or right way of sharing it. You always have 50% chance of getting it wrong unfortunately but as long as you do it having the other person in mind (just like you did) you've done everything you can. 
When one of my friends told me about her second pregnancy (it was a surprise, her first was 9 months...) she said she'd understand if I didn't want to talk about it and I appreciated that a lot. Equally, you need to consider your won needs and share the news when you feel ready for it not when it might be best for others. It's very complicated...
Reach out to your sister and let her know you are there for her. It's not your fault that she's been through such difficult journey and she'll open up when she's ready, give her time and space.


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## Guest (Feb 18, 2016)

I think you sound like a really thoughtful caring sister   I don't think you've done anything wrong either (and congrats on your pg) and agree that just sensitively telling your sister you love her/are there for her might be a good idea - depends on your particular relationship. I'm not sure it would make much difference when you told her? She might or might not be looking forward to being an auntie again after what she's been through (sorry I didn't feel particularly happy about it last time!) as it can be painful, but I'm sure she'll do her best too. You do deserve happiness too though! Wishing you both all the best and I hope you have a great 9 months   x


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## Handstitchedmum (Mar 24, 2013)

It is the reality of infertility unfortunately. You are experiencing something which she hasn't (and may never) and each milestone may be a reminder to your sister of that seemingly endless loss. It is admirable that you have so much empathy for your sister but you deserve this happiness. Taking away any of your happiness will not lessen her grief. 

Right now it seems like the grief may be overwhelming to her and you may not be the best person to provide the love and support she needs. For me, maintaining my routine was helpful, so you should not avoid her if you normally spent time together or spoke with each other regularly. But do ask what she needs and give her space (e.g. Let her bring up baby talk or infertility talk). It will get easier after the birth. 

Take care of yourself. You deserve every happiness.


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## marty123 (Dec 26, 2015)

Hi, sally! This is not your fault. You just wanted not to hurt her. So simply took time to prepare for the announcement. I believe any other day this would be the same result. This is a natural feature - to envy people. And this doesn't mean we're bad. But we have time to get used to things as they are. For ex. you being infertile see lots of pregnant women in the streets. Even cats have their kittens!.. But you - don't!!  This makes you feel you're the only one suffering of being childless. And you want to be in their shoes having a little tiny by your side. And you think "Why not me" being envious - here's nothing more to say. I think you might possibly give your sister the time to make up her mind. Later you just tell her about how you love her, that you didn't mean to hurt her somehow - she'll understand later. But not now, I believe this is not a good idea to make that calls, texting 'terror' this very moment - she's not ready to perceive your words.
Be patient with her, everything's gonna be alright  
Congrats on your pregnancy xx May God bless and help you both this time


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