# Feeling blue



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls,please could someone help. I have fallen out with my mum again!!! This is the second time in about 5 weeks.Our last big fall out was 3 yrs ago.

I think part of the problem is this site!!!(not in a bad way). I think i have learned to stick up for myself a bit better nowadays since i have been on here and i dont think my mum can handle this.(she doesnt know i attend this site).I was always the daughter(oldest girl) who did everything for the other members of family-organising bdays,meals,etc etc etc 

Now that i realise i have to protect myself from certain situations she doesnt seem to like this new me.

The row we had a few weeks ago was as she was feeling down due to sisters wedding,other sisters wedding next year and bros recent engagement.(she is separated 20 yrs). I felt like screaming " I BLOODY KNOW-I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO WORRY ABOUT THE PG ANNOUNCEMENTS TOO". I tried to understand and said she should be glad we are all settled.

I dont think she realises that i am not the emotionally strong person i used to be and keeps piling it all on me!! I havent been too well recently but gone into work anyway(deaf still in one ear with cold). She texted during the week to say she was not well and couldnt come over as planned Thur eve. She asked could i call in after work  which i couldnt as i had a doctors app.My other sister was there anyway!!!I phoned her later and said i would call on Sat and get her shopping -so i called.

We ended up having another row- everything i offered to do wasnt right.Then she got annoyed at me as i was getting frustrated!!! I said that was because i still wasnt feeling 100% myself.I mentionned that if she didnt feel up to going out i would go myself.I said when i wasnt well i didnt want to see anyone and i felt - SIN OF SINS!!! that she sometimes played on being ill!!!  I have never really stood up for myself like this before!!! She was very annoyed and told me to leave.She said my brother and sister called in, but she plays on it more with me i think!!! i told her that" her other wonderful children could help out then"!!! and left 

Normally i give in and apologise but i am sooo annoyed at this. i feel she has played on my sympathies too many times over the years-she knows i am sensitive and it annoys me. At nearly 36 i feel i should be able to say things to her. I need her to be MY mother (with all the crap i have been thru) not the other way round!! I think she should realise i cannot take any extra pressure. I am the only one of her kids trying to juggle a stepdaughter and husband as well as her.She never seems to understand.

I was going to write her a letter but i might phone my sister first(who lives 100 miles away) to ask her opinion. I know she knows what my mum is like but she isnt as close to the situation.

Help me please!!! I love my mum but dont want to be taken for granted anymore xxx


----------



## 555pebbles (Feb 24, 2006)

hi hun

 first of all a big hug to you as it look like you need it.
And secondly well done for sticking up for your self sometimes it needs said although I understand you love your mum she need to know how you are feeling.
I feel one thing this IF journey has taught me is to be stronger we have to be otherwise I think we would fall apart.  I know where you are coming from my ,mum if she hasn't heard from me every week when I do call gives me the guilt trip long time no hear sort of thing.  I also know with the IF both my parents would rather ignore it is happenning and tell me to get on with life in a nice way but you feel they don't want you talking about it to them cause they don't know how to handle it.
I remember I was complaing about how bloated I was with follicles and fat and my mum said stop going on a bout it that's what you want to be fat and pregnant.  So I felt that comment upset me.
although I didn't say.
Sorry me wittering on back to you I think it is a great idea to write your feelings down to her in a letter cause it is much easier thats why I love this sight I can get things of my chest with people who are compassionate and the biggest one understand what we are going through cause it never goes away.
I hope things work out and I understand how hard it is another person announcing a pregnancy.  I always think God am I smiling can they see the smile or do I look like I am going to burst into tears.
My DH sister just had a baby and he is the last child out of 5 to not have children so yes it hurts that our lifes are not working out as planned.
I hope you can sort thing out with your mum and find the balance with her sometimes they don't realise we have busy life's to.
love
pebs
x


----------



## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Hi Irisheyes

Sorry to hear about your row with your Mum.  I know my Mum sounds very similar to yours - I know she loves me, but she makes all sorts of insensitive comments about my tx and my "condition", and she gets so annoyed if I dont go and see her at least once a week, but never ever makes the effort to come and see me (she is only 57, works part time and is fit as a fiddle!).  I dont think they mean to be like they are, it's just the way they come across sometimes.

Well done on standing your ground though honey, sounds to me like you have been the one child she has been able to rely on over the last few years, so she has put more and more pressure onto you.  Hopefully now she will realise what she's been doing and try to be a bit more supportive of you, as well as you being supportive to her.  As Pebbles says, with a bit of luck you can find some balance and be there for each other.  At the moment it seems that the scales are tipped so you are having all the pressure.

Its a good idea to ask your sister for advice, but just a little warning, to play devils advocate, by ringing her you might make her feel guilty that she doesnt do as much for your mum as you do, so she may get a little stroppy with you!  I only say this as I have experienced the exact same thing myself with my sister!  However, hopefully your sister will be different and will be able to at least talk it out with you

Wishing you lots of luck and sending huge hugs your way Irisheyes  

Love
Tracy
x


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Irisheyes
I am so sorry that you are feeling sad at the moment. There is nothing worse than having an upset with your mum and then left feeling bad about things.......
I agree with Pebbles and Tracey..It is positive that you are finding the strength to beable to stick up for yourself.
There is one thing about IF, it will change you? How can it not? The pain and depth of it all will lead you too look at your inner self even deeper. And by doing that it will bring about changes for you. 
Maybe Irisheyes you haven't totally adjusted to those changes at the moment? it sounds as if you like the stength that it has given you, but you are unsure how to deal with the after effects. And that is where you are at now, not knowing how to deal with your mum..
Do you mind me saying Irisheyes, but sometimes we want our parents/family to change because we are hurting so much and want them to understand. But its more about You and you changing that is the Key Factor. When you find that peace and understanding then you will beable to deal with each of these situations as they occur...
Its about learning to be strong and that comes within...if you can learn to strenghten that, then you will beable to move forward..
I am sure your mother will learn to accept who you are, but you have not got to fight it...Because maybe she will never change, its about you accepting her...
Its a great idea about writing the letter and asking for advice from your sister...that shows a great stength of character that you want to make things ok..
Have you thought maybe just trying to take a step back for a while and gather your own thoughts?..If you are making those changes embrace them, because this is what you are now about. Being more self aware about yourself. If you do not feel happy about doing something then its your choice and thats a positive move and you are entitled to have choices in life...
Does your mum and other family members choose what they want to do? and you accept thats what they want to do? well it works vice versa. Please do not feel guilty. 
My mother was a nightmare until i was 34yrs old. I decided i didn't want to argue no more. I decided to take a step back and as much as it hurt i needed that space. I also advised my mum that it was not all to do with her in particular, but i didn't want this arguing anymore. When i came to that conclussion and found that strength, we have now become good friends. She still doesn't always understand and i get frustrated, but i just accept what i am going to get from her. I feel at peace that i can find it from my friends and hubby instead..
Sorry if i have gone on...
Stay in there its not easy...
Thinking of you!..
love astridx


----------



## Maggie Mae (Mar 2, 2006)

Hey irisheyes, 

everyone has already said good stuff so I don't really think I can add anything useful except.... When my relationship with my own mum wasn't going well (between late teens and mid 20s) we reached a point where we just metaphorically speaking threw all the pieces in the air in a big row, and I then didn't contact her for 9 months. It seemed to help us shake off all the crap, and nowadays we're much better. I'm not suggesting you do anything so drastic, I'm just encouraging you to not be afraid of being bold in order to make the shift happen. 

Hope you're feeling strong.... And if not, we're all here for you!

Leoarna x


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Leoarna and Irisheyes
I did the same i didn't speak to my mum also for 6months...not saying that this is the right way to go, but it certainly helped our relationship...
Maybe just taking a step back Irisheyes would be good for the both of you. Maybe explain to your mum that she hasn't done anything wrong, but you just need to collect your thoughts..
Irisheyes you can change the course of the relationship, it can hurt because change does hurt. But the benefits in the long run would outweight how you feel today. There is nothing worse that things repeating itself because it just causes unhelpful feelings and lots of upset...
Think of yourself and what you want from it all..
Love astridx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi Irisheyes

How are you doing today?

I've been having a think about your post and I reckon that its so hard because both you and your mum know how to push each others buttons and get an emotional reaction from each other...

I used to have a similar thing with my own mum until I learned to recognise the triggers that used to make me angry and upset... my mum never seemed to understand that I couldn't make her a grandmother and although she never said anything outright she would hint at stuff - once she showed me a letter from one of her friends that said 'I'm sure you must be a grandmother by now' amongst other things - well I was cut to the bone by her showing me that but I chose not to have a negative reaction in front of her because we would have had a massive row and I would have been left even more upset. Instead I took a different tack and challenged her behaviour in a different way... and was able to calmly make my point about how hurt I was without exploding and having a massive row... as it happens my mum was so devastated for what I had already been through but it didn't come across that way to me when she showed me the letter from her friend - I thought she was just trying to hint that I should 'do something about it' or 'get a move on' so I'm glad I was able to take a mental step back and a few deep breaths before I responded to her!

Its not easy to try and flip these situations around on their head and walk away feeling empowered that you didn't get more upset and there was no flack to follow afterwards, believe me, I know... but I did learn a valuble lesson in that it was better for both me and my mum to be able to talk about things calmly, or say that stuff had upset me but I would speak to her another time about it rather than flying off the handle which invariably left me more upset in the long run and having it cause aftershocks throughout my family as well.

My mum always looked at me as being the strong one as well because my dad died when I was a kid and I was there for her in so many ways as she was for me... but it doesn't hurt them to know that you are only human and that you have days when things get on top of you as well. 

I suppose what I am trying to say to you Irisheyes is, is it possible for you to regard the things your mum says in a different way - instead of reacting how you usually would when she hits those raw nerves could you not try a different approach? 

Take care hon, the relationship between mums and daughters are often complex! I wish you the best.

With love, 
Emcee x

BTW Irisheyes I tried to pm you but your inbox is full.... xxxxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx girls for all the fab replies-brought a tear to my eye!!

iHavent been in touch yet with mum.Emailed sister and told her basics.Will see if she phones and ask her opinion.

feel guilty of course but still annoyed!!! Will keep you updated


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thanx again girls. I e mailed my sister (who lives 100 miles away) yesterday and she phoned me back. At first i thought she was completely on mums side as she mentionned as well as having the bug last year she now has hurt her back again and had to get her friend to take her to chiropractor! of course felt guilty again!!!

I said to my sister"its ok for you -you are 100 miles away and only come up every 2 mths or so" to which she replied "I thought you would say that but i do phone regularly and stay on a long time!" Whoopee dooo!!  I said i was sick of my mum manipulating me and she suggested i felt bullied and for the first time i realised " Yes i do". She said that mum would never change now and we just had to let it go over our heads!!!

My sister(who is a year younger and just married) has always been very self assured if not bossy!!! And if she argues with my mum thats ok as it is expected due to her personality!!! The other sister is the baby and brother gets away with things cos he is a boy!!! I am just annoyed that the ONE time i really stand up for myself this all spirals out of control!!

I told my sister that i am sure she didnt know all the hurtful things mum had said to be about ttc etc and she knows how sensitive i am in general. she has also told other people our personal business and i tried to explain to my sister that if i choose to tell someone that is fine but she cannot tell others. My dh is really private and they dont understand that this affects him and his life too.  and she said that she had spoken to my mum before about being too outspoken- i did not know this.I know they had a big row themselves in Jan re her wedding.She says i am just going to have to tell her all the things i dont like and get it over and done with.

I dread doing this as i hate confrontation and am not very good at putting my point across without getting upset and forgetting half of what i wanted to say!!! I might text tonight and say i can call in tomorrow after work but if she is still unwell i wont want to say all the things i need to- then it will all happen again!!! 

My sister said maybe she would mention to her that she should lean on the others for a while as i am not strong enough. She also told me that she had gone and bought a book on infertility to read to try and understand what i am going through which i was very touched at.i was crying thru most of this conversation by the way  

These are my points i need to say:

1. i am not as strong as i used to be and although i dont mind the 2 days i see her i cant cope with juggling more.

2. Privacy-regarding our personal problems and NOT saying unhelpful things!!!

3. I already feel inadequate as a wife /stepmother without her making out i am a crap daughter too!

4. Dh and i need to work on our relationship since our failed tx and she will have to understand i need to divide my time.

Whether i say them is another thing!!! xxxx 

I feel so torn about feeling guilty and standing up for me!!!


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi hon

You shouldn't have to feel torn... at the end of the day your mum had to raise a family as well so she should remember how many constraints on her time she had... you also go out to work as well which is extra pressure - never mind the added crap in your life with your SD and all that entails and your tx last year.  

I agree that you should raise these points with your mum as they are clearly deeply upesetting and hurtful to you and they need to get sorted. I really hope you can get across what you mean to her and if she gets upset, well perhaps thats just another attempt at manipulation/bullying on her part towards you.

The best thing out of all of this is that you at least recognise that she can be a bully, and she can be manipulative. This gives you the tools to be able to not get drawn into any web she weaves of making you feel guilty. I'm so glad you had that long chat with your sister, because she obviously recognises this pattern of behaviour too.

I'd just like to say that I'm so sorry and horrified that she makes you feel like a crap daughter    from all the things you have said about your mum you could be well qualified to say to her she hasn't been the most supportive mum to you but you obviously don't use manipulation and bullying strategies with her as she appears to be doing with you... I'm really sorry for being so outspoken like this and I sincerely hope I haven't offended you, but I feel so sad for you that you are going through this when you clearly need the comfort and support of your family at the moment.

When you get to see your mum, don't be sidetracked by her in any way - just tell her that you have too much on your plate at the moment. You don't need to go into detail about it - just tell her that your time is limited at the moment because of your own family and work commitments. Maybe the less detail you tell her from now on, the less she has to tell others about... I stopped my DH telling my MIL anything after one too many times of her blabbing about us to the rest of the family - perhaps thats going to be something you need to do from now on too.

Sending you a very gentle hug and hoping you can resolve this amicably with your mum.

Love,
Emcee xxxxxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Thank you so much emcee!!! Years ago i stopped telling my mum things as i knew she just couldnt help telling people!!! I didnt mention my iuis at the time as i didnt want everyone knowing and constantly asking.I only chose to tell her when they failed and i had to take time off work.

I know i will have to stop telling her personal things and dh said last night that thats why he hadnt wanted me to tell her anything as he knows she is like this. None of his family know anything.My sister who i told is more discreet-at least i hope she is!! 

I will keep in touch-am going for swim this evening with a friend to relax and a glass of wine after and a moan!!! Maybe i will feel able to tackle it all then xxxx


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Good for you petal!

I hope you have a lovely evening with your pal and it helps to put the things you need to say to your mum into perspective.

Love & hugs from me xxx


----------



## pink panther (May 4, 2005)

Hi Irish!
read your post earlier, I really hope you get things sorted out.
Thinking of you and sending you bigs hugs of strength 
pp xxxx


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Irisheyes
Thinking of you!!!

love astridxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

I am just about to text my mum to say i will call after school.I am dreading it as i know if she is still sick i will chicken out from all the things i need to say! Got a text from my other sister yesterday(the baby) telling me about mums sore back now too since she was sick last week.Didnt text her back.

Wish me luck.xxx


----------



## Bangle21 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hi Irish Eyes,

So sorry you're feeling like this just now, I hope the swim and the wine with your friend helped a little ......

... and well done for having the strength to "ignore" the text!!  That's a great milestone - it shows you are starting to look after yourself for a change huni - keep it up - you will feel better for it!

Good luck at your Mums, remember it's not "what" you say but "how" you say it - just go with the flow and see what happens and how you feel at the time.

All my love
Gill xo


----------



## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Rootin' for you Irisheyes... hope it all goes ok today...

Love & hugs

Emcee x


----------



## Nubly (Feb 3, 2005)

Dear Irisheyes

What a horrible situation to find yourself in.  I trully hope that everything is said today and that your mum realises your needs and that you both find a happy solution to this.  The good thing about you is that you are taking on a more positive step in your life, its just a crying shame that we all have to go through so much cr*p to get there.

Lots of love and luck
Kate xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Irisheyes
How are you today?thinking of you!xxxx

Kate how lovely to hear from you? i often wonder how you are getting on? Would you be interested in the meet up?

Lots of love astridxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Snookered again .As i had geared myself up to say my bit and texting my mum to say i would call ....... .My sister happened to be there !!!(the one who lives 100 miles away!!! ).She WAS due to be up this weekend but not til Friday-she cancelled her meeting and came early!!! Making me feel even guiltier!!!

My mum actually IS sick- had to get doc out for injection in her back for muscle spasm and doc directed all questions to sister!!!! I felt a bit left out!!! And of course couldnt say my piece when she really was ill!!! 

Then i heard that my brother had stayed over on Tue nite to help out(never happens),other sister on Wed nite. WHY does this happen the ONE time i am not around!!! I was always the one to help out and now i feel isolated!! We have cancelled the meal on sat(was an early one for my bday) and i said i would call on Sat nite.

Should i offer to stay one night when my sister leaves again if mum isnt better or remain aloof as i said i would It was all very surreal in the house. I couldnt think of anything to say and dont know if i will always now feel like this!!!

Am i becoming bitter? I have been trying to step back mentally since they are all getting hitched so that i can protect myself if they get pg.But am i going to lose out on being part of the family? i feel they are all getting on with happy lives and i am stagnant?

I am so confused!!


----------



## Nubly (Feb 3, 2005)

Dear Irisheyes - bless you.

No you are not bitter and I know what you mean about being isolated from the family.  Luckily for me I live in London and my family is in Scotland, so am far enough awa to put any hurt out of my mind.  Like you I have a lot of siblings who are always joyous about one child or the others 18th or christening or whatever family thing it is.  I am usually only told after the event has been.  I was thinking of you last night when I called my own mother, who tells me that she is having her two new great grandsons up for a visit on Sunday and stated how the house will be like a nursery.  I just swallowed the hard lump in my throat and changed the subject.  Sympathy from the ones who are closest only last a small time.  If we had no legs people would never mention to us that they had bought new shoes! so why this need to keep telling us of babies and pregnancies etc.

Irisheyes, please believe me you are a superior and better person, more sensitive to others needs, hence the reason you have gotten on this guilt trip in the first place.  If stepping back is going to make you feel worse and have more guilt then DONT do it.  Just hold your thoughts and tell them at a time when your mum is in better health and is more able to take them on board.  I wish you a happy ourcome.

Love Kate xxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Oh Kate,bless you too for your lovely reply!!! it is difficult to make a stand and stick to it with a guilt complex!!! i hope you are coping ok and pm any time you need to xxx


----------



## astrid (Feb 10, 2003)

Hello Irisheyes
Oh i really do feel for you at the moment..
It sounds as if you are going through such a traumatic time, with so many mixed emotions going on...
Concerning you, it sounds as if you carry a lot of GUILT....its a very difficult emotion and one that is so hard to shift..and of course it really takes over ones life..
May i make a suggestion...its not your fault that your mum was taken ill...
As far as your relatives are concerned (sisters/brothers) they need to play an important part in helping with your mum instead of leaving it all to you to deal with it..?
I understand that feeling when you are not there then something happens...i spent a weekend with my mother when she came out of hospital...i was on my own caring for her. Then the day i go home she falls and my sister is there for her. I felt terrible because i felt that i failed her. But when i thought about it, i did what i could and to be honest and the incident was out of my control. I found that peace and i know that i am doing my best..Have you thought along those lines?.
Now maybe thats what you possibly need to start looking at? have you got peace that you do enough for your mum?
The most important thing is that in your relationship between your mum and you is ok..do not worry about your siblings relationship. You need to find your own peace..
Guilt is an awful emotion as long as we act on it...and you are doing a fine job...
I would also question why there is so much guilt with your mum? i hope i am not putting my foot in it? But does she know how to work on your feelings?
If so then maybe Irisheyes you can dig deep down and start being along stronger. You sound as if you are doing everything possible to ensure a good relationship..Its for you to get stronger..??
And if your mum was totally honest i think she would say that you are the one that always bothers..and i am afraid to say that within families the parents always seem to bang on about the ones that do the least...( i am not literally saying your brother and sister do not) but i see this everyday..
Keep in there and stay strong, you are doing fine..
love astridx


----------

