# Random rant about tactless people



## maybe-if (Aug 1, 2007)

I hope this is the right board for random rants, FF has so many boards!

We've been dealing with severe male factor (no sperm) infertility since we were told the news in August last year. it's still all quite fresh in our minds, we're probably going to start our first cycle of treatment in the next few months.

I'm a member of a very close knit forum that has only around 20 members and is by invite only so again, we all sort of know each other well (online anyway) and some of us meet up and have become good friends. The forum is for photographers, about our photography businesses, so off topic conversations on the board are really rare.

When we'd only really just been told our problem, and the news was still sinking in, one woman posted saying her daughter (who'd apparently had a very on-off relationship with her boyfriend) had discovered she was pregnant, completely unplanned. The woman on the forum was all excited and it descended into baby talk. I was actually screaming at the computer at this point about how unfair everything was, and with tears absolutely streaming down my face decided to break the news to everyone there about our diagnosis and could people respect what we're going through and not post about baby stuff as we're going through a really tough time.

They gave it a couple of months, and then she mentioned a few "pregnant daughter" comments, and people started asking when she was due and how she was doing. Then all the saga about whether she'd give birth on easter day or whatever. Then the birth story. And then she's saying she's going to post photographs of the new baby.

Oh yes, cos that's fine guys, don't worry, we're fine about it all now. I was distraught at the time that we may never have children of our own, but now? Yeah, I'm completely over that I am.

I'm so furious at the lack of tact, the stupidity of some people, and I really can't face going on the forum any more (which I usually go on daily for work-related discussions) if all I'm gonna see is "New baby!" on the thread headers.

Arrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I really want to post something to the effect, but it's not really very adult or sensible of me to do so. I do really want to say how I feel though. Grrrrrrr!


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## Tandi (Mar 11, 2008)

GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR     
I completely understand. I hate this IF business. Clearly they don't understand. Clearly (thankfully) IF is rare and not so many people have really come into contact with it and so simply can't understand. 

It's sad but I've realised I can't tell many people about my IF because they don't get it and end up hurting me. Well done for being brave enough to tell them - maybe they need a gentle reminder   Just tell me where they live and I'll go and cry on their doorstep until they get the message. And just for the record, I don't believe this is something we ever 'get over'... but because of our strength and courage we learn to live with it. Maybe you should tell them that too  


On a more practical note... maybe you should mail them a link to that amazing presentation about waiting for a baby which is linked on the index to FF message boards (or is it on the 'starting out' thread?). Maybe then they'd take on board a bit more of the heart ache?

Sending  
Tandi x


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## hopetocomplete07 (Feb 2, 2007)

I completely understand where you are coming from, a girl at work is pregnant as sits around all day rubbing her belly and complaining, she's only 5.5 months for gods sake.  I purposely dont' talk about baby stuff with her cause it's all she thinks about and treats herself like fine porcelain.

Trouble is though pet, this is what you'll face and it's hurts because your the one going through it, not them.  There'll always be pregnant women, baby talk around you, it's how you choose to deal with it, because reacting this was just brings you further down emotionally.  I just blank it out, my work mate can talk baby all day and it doesn't affect me because I don't allow it.  As far as people on your forum are concerned , I doubt they're doing it to hurt you, but can't appreciate how you feel and to them it's just normal conversation.  I don't expect everybody else to walk on egg shells because of my IF, I may even feel worse if they did.  You and me could well be saying innocent things on a daily basis that hurt others because of their own hidden problems.  Maybe try and find a coping mechanism because you'll face this time and again.  I keep other peoples pregnancies and my own IF probelms very separate in my mind, and it really helps me.  Let them have their baby talk, you're on your own special journey now and when you have your BFP you can bore theit t**s off with talk about sore boobs and morning sickness, and your very on/on relationship with your baby's father!  

I disagree that IF is rare though! 1.7 million couples in the UK?  Chances are you already know others who are also having probelms.


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## maybe-if (Aug 1, 2007)

I can (and do!) deal with the 18 month old who screams the place down next door, as we have very thin walls. I get woken up by him most mornings and he's noisy through the day and I work at home.

All my friends here are pregnant or have a billion and one small children and babies, as I live on an army camp and all army marrieds do is breed! We're the only ones here without kids, and we all socialise together so I am used to it.

There is a nursery AND a primary school here right at the bottom of my road so three times a day kids and their mums with pushchairs go past, and half the time I walk the dog I see a guy in army uniform putting a toddler in his car to take it home, and that is always very bittersweet for me to watch.

And I'm a photographer and do my fair share of baby photos (although strangely I find the maternity shoots impossible to do so don't handle them at the moment).

Everyone that knows is incredibly sensitive about it, because they are mates. We've told everyone everything and I am even happy to do babytalk with people. But it's because I'm prepared for it. And I can avoid people on a bad day.

All this kicked off only last August so it still feels like really early days for me to get my head around it all. I'm hvaing way more good than bad days at the moment, but this is obviously a bad one. Having PMT and being completely physically exhausted from work doesn't help I guess.

Anyway this woman KNOWS we're having problems, I've ASKED her once not to post about it and she was sympathetic at the time. Then she's mentioned it repeatedly after I had asked her not to and I left it. But today has to be the final straw.

No one else posts about home related stuff on there. It's supposed to be a work only forum and it's, well... it was my sanctuary where I could relax and get on with my life. it was like it was part of my coping strategy, somewhere to retreat to, and now I can't. Plus i know (although no one else does cos they are keeping it private) another person on there with potential fertility issues. So I'm sure she's loving it too (not!).

Again, I think the main reason it riles me so much is this woman has told us the relationship is on dodgy grounds, and it was an accidental pregnancy. And that I have to hear about it over and over and be polite about it. Even my husband (who nevers worries about this stuff) has been annoyed enough to post enough is enough.

So I've done enough of coping for a bit. I want to shout at someone. 

I see where you're going with the "dealing with it sensibly" advice but I'm trying scream therapy today.


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## laurab (Apr 17, 2006)

Scream therapy can work wonders!!  Its so bloody ahrd and so bloody unfair.  NOONE except us girls on here undersatnd, I don't even try to explain to people now. Only tonight I was in tears as bumped into old mate at the shops who preg, I don't begrudge her, I just want a babe for myself.  Which is bloody unlikely and we are prob going for donor I guess next.  Sorry went into a rant then!  

Big hugs.


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## hopetocomplete07 (Feb 2, 2007)

Can't she be excluded from the forum if it's for work related stuff only?  I didn't mean to cause you any offence or seem unsympathetic.  I've been completely overloaded with friends/family pregnancies for the last three years including my sister who lives in US.  She came home a few years ago with her new daughter (first time I'd seen her) right when I was being diagnosed about to have a lap and dye (during her visit), and announced her new pregnancy during the visit and my friend at work got pregnant at the same time after her first try.  It's been non-stop ever since.  So I had to adopt a coping mechanism to get through it (go through it).  They all knew about my problems but only one person has shown any tact.  I can't find the energy to be upset anymore.  To top it off I have to look after with women having terminations on a weekly basis which I find extremely hard, not that I'm passing any judgement, whatever the reasons for them, it hurts me every week.

You will get your BFP and a beautifull baby, I doubt you'll be discussing it on your forum since it's for work only then, ignore my suggestion!


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## MAL. (Mar 19, 2007)

Hiya hun

Can you send her a personal message or an email just to say you are pleased for her but could she please keep her posts on work matters as it is something you find difficult to read, especially when you are going on the forum to deal with work. 

I know how you feel hun       sending you lots of      and     for your tx in the next months   
Take care xxx


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## maybe-if (Aug 1, 2007)

Hopetocomplete - sorry, I didn't mean to have a go at you. Just one of those bad days coupled with extreme PMT!

Well, it's all kicked off on the other forum. My husband posted in support of me (a polite post) and I added a post saying I was a little upset as we had explained our problems, how hard it was for us and I was dealing with it badly at the moment, and I thought people had agreed they weren't going to post baby stuff (especially as we aren't the only forum members with problems). 

Then I posted about the need for sperm/egg donation and posted saying if people want more info go to www.ngdt.co.uk as i'm going to hopefully do some work to raise money for them this year to promote the issues.

So I tried to put a positive spin on it.

And this morning? Our posts were deleted. With a PM saying it was "inappropriate". It's all gone a bit nasty on there, my husband is furious.

I've pointed out that ages back someone posted some pet photos, and then added a post saying he'd just found out his childhood dog had died and was upset. I'd just taken some of my own puppy photos for pet photography practice and held off posting them for a while out of respect for the other member! And that's just a dog! So why can't someone do me the same favour.

Anyway said I've had enough of people thinking it's ok to stomp all over my feelings, when I thought people respected and were supportive of what we're going through. I reposted the egg and sperm donation info on there though, as the idiot moderator deleted it! 

Interestingly on that forum, one much older person has posted saying they went through IVF and it didn't work for them, then they became too old so are childless. But they are unsympathetic as they think it should be a private matter (ie. I should isolate myself and cry in a corner quietly so as not to bother anyone!). But I've had a PM from another girl who said her sister micarried recently in the same circumstances and same dates as this grandchild that has been posted about so much, sos he was hoping and praying the grandchild thread would be deleted!

And there's another couple on there who are having problems getting pregnant (trying over a year now but not investigated yet) and I know she's finding it hard when people talk baby.

Anyway we've decided to leave the board, and certain members have set up a new one, which i've been promised will be and remain baby-free! God help me if I'm pregnant!


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## Tandi (Mar 11, 2008)

gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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## hopetocomplete07 (Feb 2, 2007)

Maybe - no worries pet, I'm a bit off and inpatient too since AF arrived yesterday (I'm on clomid) and I obviously wasn't getting your point in your first post (and I've got flu, woe is me!!).
Have you been told you need donor eggs?  Or do you mean you are raising awareness about the issues in general.  Some of the people on your forum sound like arseh*les and your better off away from it if it's getting distressing, shame though as it was place to escape.
Take care of you xx


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## laurab (Apr 17, 2006)

Good for you starting a new forum.  You need to be able to work in a safe environment... and see there were other people who it was affecting who were too shy to mention owt.


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## maybe-if (Aug 1, 2007)

We thought we would need donor sperm, so it raised the issue for us. I'm hopefully going to be doing egg sharing, so it's something I'm very positively supporting.

Who knows, the sperm they found for my husband may not yet make the grade so we still might have to face donor sperm, but we've got something at least to try with for now.

I want to raise the issue generally, I'm going to be doing a calendar to tie in with my "boudoir photography" business, so we get free marketing, and all profits will go to the National Gamete Donation Trust. It works very nicely with their "Give a Toss" promotion. I may be asking on the donor boards here for people's stories if they are willing for me to put them on my website. The idea is to show that people from all areas of life can be affected and may need donor eggs or sperm and that there isn't enough. So I'm going to do a sexy calendar (one for the lads, one for the girls!) of people posing in a slightly sexy way in a clever way. Think "Calendar Girls" the film, but younger and more funked up. I have contacts in the armed forces who are willing to pose for the girl's calendar, and i'm going to ask the local fir eservice if they have anyone who'd be up for being photographed!

I'm very excited about it, so it's just trying to find the time to do it!

I need to get the preliminary stuff sorted and off the ground (the NGDT are already aware) and then I will be on here asking for people's stories to fill in the background, and maybe on the hunt for some local victims, err.. I mean models!

Anyway... hope you're not suffering with the flu too much, go get some sleep, what are you doing on the computer - you should be resting!


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