# Sharing information with others



## Spaykay

Hi, I am opening this thread to support those that are ready to share the information about their child's conception with others, whatever age they're at, whoever you are sharing with. Some of us will decide to share and others not, but here I would like information and ideas on how best to share this information when that decision is made  ENJOY!

My DH and I have only told a few people, all of whose reactions were positive and moved on without any further questions...we now want to spread a bit thinking that when our LO understands, it will be good for her not to feel that her journey into this world is 'private', not a 'secret' and that there are people who she won't have to 'explain' this to.

Thank you...

Kay xxx


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## olivia m

Well done SpayKay! This is a topic that DCN members find very tricky sometimes. How to be open with your child but retain some privacy for the family. How to decide who else needs to know in your child's interest without broadcasting to the world how you conceived them.

Here are some resources that FF'ers may find valuable when thinking through what is important for your child and family.

American Fertility Association's leaflet on sharing information about egg donation
http://www.theafa.org/library/article/talking_with_children_about_ovum_donation_2009

Telling and Talking booklets for four age groups of children and young people from DCN
£2.50 to download each copy or buy a printed version at £8.50 www.dcnetwork.org

Mommies,Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Tough Questions and Building Strong Families by Diane Ehrensaft and published by Guilford: DCN members can borrow this from our library or it can be bought via Amazon.

Just to say that we have always been very open about how our children were conceived and have never received a negative response. Our children were very happy that others knew before they did. It made it possible for them to speak about their conception without having to bear the possible shock in others on hearing the information. We told their medical advisors, as and when appropriate, and each year teacher throughout primary school. When our daughter, age 9, chose to share the information with her class, her teacher helped her explain and the class moved on. From secondary school age the information became the children's to share as they those. This worked for us.

I look forward to reading and learning from what has worked for others.
Olivia


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## LiziBee

Just stamping so I can keep an eye on this thread.
DD1 is about to start school, what are your thoughts on telling the class teacher?
Lizi.x


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## Spaykay

We discussed last night that we will let close friends we trust know and the teachers is tricky...I think we will...but I will be working in the school where LO goes to so that makes it a bit harder. i think we will say because LO might mention the special lady in class or even draw a picture of her in with the family I guess....depending on how she sees the special lady. 

Kay xxx


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## drownedgirl

Our DS1 knows we used donor eggs for our twins and the latest baby.. and I know he told his teacher that i was pregnant again. So he may have mentioned it. It is sure to come up when they get to sex education.. not sure when that is.

I am not sure if it's necessary to tell the school when a child first enrols (nursery profile) but it would make sense to do so before they get to talking about relationships, where I came from, etc. As they have new class teachers each term, you'd probably need to keep mentioning it.


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## drownedgirl

On the original question, I told friends/family by email after the 12w scan with the twins that we were pg and our friend had donated. Noone has ever been at all negative, though I think often they forget.


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## Spaykay

In Nursery we do the topic 'Myslef' but kids don't really understand who they are yet so I doubt they'd understand about their birth story. In Reception we do 'Ourselves' and then in Year 1 the 'Ourselves' topic is often repeated. I don't think sex education is up until year 5. I guess we will all 'know' when we think it's time by following our children's cues.

Kay xxx


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## drownedgirl

I remmeber my DS1 doing that topics in Reception . I thinkif  it was him who was donor conceived, he would probably have mentioned it then...


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## olivia m

Our experience in DC Network is that a minority of children will understand enough to start talking about "the nice man or woman who helped mummy to have me" from around 4.  The majority of children in heterosexual couple families are unlikely to understand enough (or be interested enough themselves) to talk about DC until between 6 and 8.  At around 8 there is a leap in brain development that allows them to understand their origins (and everything else) at a more complex level.  Some children decide to talk about it then, others don't.  It's often a temperament/personality difference, rather than being influenced by the way they feel about their origins.  We have one or two children in the Network who really wanted to talk with their friends about DC and have felt very frustrated because it was either not understood (Oh, you're adopted then) or not considered a sufficiently interesting topic to talk about.  So much for our fears, as parents, of stigma and teasing!

Children of single mums and lesbian couples are often put in a position of having to explain why they don't have a daddy in their family from very early on in nursery/school life and sadly, are sometimes teased and taunted about this.  Supportive teachers can make an enormous difference in these cases.
Olivia


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## drownedgirl

DS1 asked quite a few questions when we firts told him about the DE... he was 4 and a bit then. Then he seemed to forget, but we reminded him a few times (teaparty at the fert clinic etc) and I know he  does remember now. He doesn't seem to think of it as the most interesting thing about our twins or the new baby. I guess when he's a bit older we will discuss it again. There is a boy with two mums in his class, he has asked about where the sperm came from and how.


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## kizzi79

Hi all

& thank you for this thread.

As you can see from my signiture I am a long way off from having to tell a child or others, but it is the telling of others aspect I have agonised over most once i decided this course. 

As a single the "who is the daddy" question is likely to come up much sooner - both with others and with the child. I have always been very clear that I want my child to know how they are conceived and that they are truely wanted (not an accident) - but who else to tell is more difficult. I have told my immediate family and my 8 closest friends that I'm having treatment and they have all been mega supportive (and I know will all be key people in my childs life). But I am less sure about work colleagues and acquintances - i am generally quite an open person, but am unsure if i want to deal with any negative responses (from those who i have to see regularly but who frankly will not be affected by the decisions i make)    really don't know what to do.

What has been other peoples experiences?

Thanks, Krissi  xx


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## olivia m

Krissi
I know this topic is one that comes up time and again for the single women in DC Network.  I suspect you may find a thread on it in the Singe Women's section on FF too.  As far as I can tell, some people decide to tell everyone and others feel that those they work with or casual acquaintances who will have nothing to do with the child's life, do not need to know.  What seems key to both decisions is your pride and confidence with the decisions your are making.  If you convey that, although there is no man on the scene, you are delighted to be pregnant, then this often forestalls further questioning.  It won't stop some people wondering but you do not have to answer questions if you choose not to do so.  You just say," I'm so very happy".
Olivia


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## suitcase of dreams

Krissi - I'm an extremely open person too, and I was always of the view that I would tell my child/ren how they were conceived. My family and close friends all know already about my tx, and that I've moved now to donor eggs as well as donor sperm and I'm lucky in that I've had nothing but positive responses thus far

In the abstract I was feeling quite confident and comfortable with telling other people too. But now that it might very well become a reality for me I find that I am also wondering what is the best approach to take. (up until now I guess I never really believed it might actually work, and it's still early days and obviously I won't be telling work/acquaintances etc for some time yet but my thoughts are naturally turning more towards what I will say when I do) 

With work, they know I am single and on the one hand I don't want my colleagues thinking that I slept around/had an 'accident'/shamelessly trapped some innocent man etc    but on the other hand I'm not entirely sure I want to go into the details with them. Not least because I work in an industry which is very male dominated - my boss and all of my immediate team with the exception of one are middle aged men....so not a topic I partic want to talk to them about! I think I am going to say something broadly along the lines of making the decision to have this child on my own and being very happy and excited about it. And then if anyone asks specific questions I will answer them - but I'm not expecting the work people to do that anyway

With other people I'm less sure and I think I'm going to just see what works best with different people. I had lunch with my 70 yr old godparents at the weekend and I found myself wondering whether/how I would explain it to them - they're of a generation where it will prob seem very alien to them. Mind you that said my mum is 70 too and she's taken it all in her stride   

So whilst I'm not going to keep it secret, and if people ask me direct questions I won't lie, at the same time it is essentially a private matter between me, my child and potentially my/their extended family and I see no need to worry too much about what acquaintances and others think (as long as they understand that this is a decision I made after much thought and that I'm very happy about it, and I expect them to respect that and be happy for me..)

Olivia is right, I'm sure we've discussed this many times on the singles board over the past couple of years, but it might be worth starting up a new thread to see what others experiences have been more recently - we've lots of new babes and recent BFPs so there are probably some new views and perspectives now

Best of luck,
Suitcase
x


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## drownedgirl

Suitcase - congrats!


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## suitcase of dreams

Thanks DG - early days but very pleased to have got to this point and hoping I'll be sharing information with my child sooner rather than later   

This thread has been very useful already as at some stage I'll also need to tell my beloved nieces and nephew - well at least my oldest niece anyway - at 5 yrs old she has already asked me more than once why I don't have a husband and babies, and she very much equates baby with mummy + daddy, so as soon as she knows I'm expecting I'm going to need to find a way to explain to her how I got pg without a 'daddy' on the scene!

Suitcase
x


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## olivia m

I echo DG...many congrats Suitcase.  Fingers crossed.
Olivia


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## ElsieMay

Thanks for opening this thread - my biggest struggle is the 'telling others'!  My daughter is double donation and I am single.  Lana knows (she is 2) as i do it as a bed time story just so she never remembers being told.  But she is starting nursery and stuff and some people say dont tell anyone else as it is irrelavent now she is here and she shouldnt get hung up on it but my instinct is to tell.  I kind of already coach Lana for getting ready for the wheres your Dad question.  I just say we dont have a dad who is part of our lives.  Lana can tell who she want when old enough to make an informed decision but I would prefer her to keep quiet till then.

It is awkward though.  

Olivia - are there any books on double donation?


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## GRW

There is a book called Before you were born: My Wish for a Baby by Janice Grimes available in the States from www.xyandme.com 
There are several versions of the story book to cover different family situations, including double donation for single women.


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## olivia m

Hi ElsieMay
The phrase ,"We don't have a dad in our family" will certainly help your daughter get past initial curiosity by other children to start with, but by the time she is five or so some other children will know that a man, or a seed from a man anyway, HAS to be involved in making a baby and are likely to pester her for a better explanation.  Unfortunately the term 'donor' is not well understood by small children.  You can read in our Telling and Talking booklet 0-7 about how one single mum engaged the help of her daughter's teacher in sharing information with the whole class, thereby showing solidarity with her daughter which in turn stopped the pestering by one particular child.
The Janice Grimes books are based on a bear rather than a human family but can be useful.  DC Network is currently developing an on-line facility for putting together text and pictures to make up books that can be used for single women and lesbian couples who have a child by double or embryo donation, conceived either in the UK or abroad.  This should be available from our new web site sometime in the Autumn.  We already have a printed book for double or embryo donation children conceived into heterosexual couple families.
Olivia


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## pippilongstockings

Sorry, this is going to be a quick one Kay as life is still bonkers here   

Suitcase     Congratulations lovely, so happy for you xx

We've recently moved into a very small village and we hope that our boys will go to the tiny local school (intake of 7 per year).  We have two concerns - that we will become the "talk of the village" and everyone will know our business and also that as a church school, we may receive negative responses to how we created our family.  I think we just have to accept that we will be talked about for a time as it is a small community and people do seem to like to gossip here    However, we are particularly concerned about school being judgemental.  How likely is it and do you think we'd be better off finding a larger, non-churchy school?  I'd much rather they went to the village school as it is an outstanding school, it's only 5 mins walk from home and they'll get involved in the community. 

Until we moved here we were very open with friends and family about using donor sperm but I haven't yet told anyone new down here.  I'm sure I will eventually but I just don't know anyone well enough for them to need to know yet!  

Anyway, sorry for the brain-dump - it gets more complicated as they get older doesn't it??

Pip xx


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## teresal

pippi -- we are in the exact same position as you, we have told family and close friends but haven't made it common knowledge in the village, we too live in a tiny village and the school has about 50 kids in it and getting less each year, its not a churchy school though but the village itself is very much a gossipy place and everyone wants to know whats going on and if they don't know they will just make it up anyway    

we don't know how we are going to approach this before our child starts school, we feel it shouldn't make any difference to the child but we know there will be a minority of people will treat him/her differently cos of how s/he was conceived, suppose we will find away, there are 3 kids in the school that have been conceived by IVF (my midwife and her DH had IVF)  but not with DS so they haven't had any problems

great to live in a small place for the pace of life etc but some very small minded people unfortunately live here as well

Teresa xx


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## olivia m

Hi Pippi and Teresa
I can really understand your anxiety about being talked about in a small community, but I have heard some amazing stories from DC Network members who thought that people in their rural villages would be uninformed and judgemental, but who turned out to be knowledgeable and supportive.  I don't see why a church school would be concerned about how a child has been conceived.  I assume it is C of E (rare to find Catholic village schools) and they have no particular problems with IVF or donor conception.  A Catholic school might be different, but not necessarily.  The teachings of Rome do not always get carried out to the letter and I suspect most priests (whatever church they are) would see all children as a blessing.  If this school is as good as you say it is Pippi, then I suspect you and your children will be received with the openness and respect you deserve.

In the end I suspect it will be your comfort, confidence and matter of fact attitude that will determine, or at least influence, whether news of your children being donor conceived is more than a few days wonder, or becomes long-term tittle-tattle.  If you don't treat it as a big deal, then others are likely to take their cue from you.  And it is important to tell teachers so that they can support a child if they choose to talk about it.  So why not take the plunge and start with them.
Very best of luck
Olivia


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## suitcase of dreams

Too early for me to be really thinking about this yet, but I also live in a small village full of gossips... not only that, I'm on the Board of Governors at the village school - which is C of E and closely linked to the church (I am not a church go-er myself incidentally) and I know my pg is going to come as a shock to them since they all know I am single and 40....
And on top of that, my sister is married to a Catholic and has recently converted herself. Although BIL is not particularly staunch, other family members are, particularly his parents who live locally and we see a lot of them, so I am a little concerned how my news is going to go down there too...

I want to be completely honest, with my child and others, about the fact that I had double donation abroad, but I am nervous about how it will be received by some....clearly I need to give this a bit more thought in terms of when and how I introduce it. Although for now I guess I'm just hoping I get to that point at all   

Suitcase
x


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## pippilongstockings

Hi Teresa - in the nicest possible way I'm sorry to see you posting on here today    You must be so fed up by now!

Thanks Olivia.  Yes, it's a C0fE school but quite churchy if you see what I mean.  I wasn't sure what the views of CoE were on donor sperm, just assumed it would be a no no!  We've got a couple of years until our eldest goes to school but I want to make sure we're happy with it before he goes so I might pop along next term and have a chat with the head. 

To be honest, I'm not fussed about being talked about personally I just worry about my boys.  In the end I'm sure it'll be big news for a few days then forgotten about or just no big deal.  We're very positive about it when we tell people so I'm hoping they'll take their cue from us and see it as normal and a blessing.  

I might practice and tell the manager at our nursery (also in the village - there's no pub but there's a nursery and a school!!).  She probably doesn't need to know but it'll help me to start talking about it again.

P x

Suitcase - crossed posts.  It's so easy to say "stuff them" but it's not as easy to do is it, especially when it's family    Hopefully you will be met with nothing but support by family and the school. x


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## teresal

suitcaseof dreams -- my in laws are Catholic and so is DH (he doesn't practice it tho   ) and they have all been fine on how our baby was concieved, their attitude was that all children are a blessing, think the views of the Catholic religion has changed cos we were really worried in what we would say to DH's parents. you might be surprised at their response 

sorry Pippi for still being here    , am really fed up and not even due till monday, am hoping cons will decide to induce on monday and get this bit over with, am being monitored by M/W cos have signs of pre-eclampsia    never straight forward is it. i am like you i am concerned for the child not myself, i don't want my baby (at any age) to be bullied or made to feel different just cos of how s/he has been conceived, but then again it will be a 5 minute wonder and everyone will move on and i suppose if everyone knows early on the kids (at school) will probably accept it and it will be the norm

thanks Olivia for the advice    

teresa xx


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## mojitomummy

hi, interesting thread and bookmarking so i don't lose it....


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## sally60

Interesting thread as how and who to tell outside the immediate family as it is definitely one of the things I have struggled with. I think in common with a number of people here we have told immediate family (i.e. parents, siblings) We also have told each of the girls god parents/our closest friends and their partners - and infact we told all these people before the girls were born. Beyond that we have kept it private. I am very comfortable that it is open amongst our closest friends and family but I feel I will struggle to tell people I don't know really well - i.e. teachers- it felt quite different telling close friends and family because they know you, they know how you got here, and you can anticipate to some extent how they will respond because you know them and you are more used to sharing important and sometimes intimate things about your lives... slightly different  with their teachers?

I did tell their gp after they were born but not sure she really understood - not least because she immediately wanted to talk to me about contraception  I have thought about telling my new friend and neighbour who has a son teh same age and who plays with the girls alot - but I'm not confident how she will respond as quite 'straight laced' and if she doesn't respond well realise she is a bit too close for comfort!

In considering telling our children's class teachers is it advisable to get advise from the head teacher first, and ensure they are enlightened and supportive - or is that making a mountain out of a molehill? I sometimes think there is a danger of that -I increasingly feel its not a big deal - something private and which my daughters have a right to understand and question but little more than an interesting side note to a sex education class? I hadn't thought about how it might be something that might come out earlier than that- e.g. in discussion/work in reception class - we regularly read the girls 'my story'. I'm not bothered for my own sake but certainly wouldn't want girls to be given the impression they are stigmatised or different in a bad way


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## olivia m

Hi Sally
Our experience in DCN is that teachers are pretty underwhelmed by hearing that a child is donor conceived.  The families that come through even very small rural school doors these days are just so diverse that donor conception is pretty straightforward. It's just important that a teacher isn't taken off their guard if a child chooses to mention, 'The nice man/lady who helped mummy and daddy to make me".
Hope that helps.
Olivia


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## mojitomummy

sally have you been open with your friend re ivf? I've tried to be relatively open with new mummy friends about that so that it would be easier to go into donor if necessary. Obviously no one has ever spontaneously asked if donor after I said ivf and actually no one has ever asked why I needed ivf even a girl whose had ivf herself and even the closest group who know I can't get pregnant natuarlly. The closest was one girl who asked what clinic I was at, when I said said that a close friend had gone there as it had a good donor bank. I didn't tell her but took that as a signal I could if I felt ready. I guess what I'm saying is that most people don't have a deep desire to know but are pretty receptive to what you tell them. 
I have same view as lots of people on here. It's not a secret but I don't tell people. I think with teachers I would tell them z is ivf and so can they let me know if they are planning to cover sex ed as he might have some unusal answers and then play it from there


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## mojitomummy

sorry terrible typing as on phone on bus. What I meant was I told ju I had ivf. She asked what clinic. I said LWC. She said her friend went there as good donor bank. I just said yes it has. And no more no less.


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## jules1967

Hello,
sorry to barge in - we are just going through process of DE and hopefully get an addition to our family. We too live in a small community - same size school etc. I read somewhere, don't know where, that when it came to the biology lesson, the teacher knew (was told) and made it possible to share all sorts of conception stories/ways to conceive. Apparently the children thought it was cool and then moved on - more important things in life....
We have been very open with our friends, but not my parents.... (Iam chickening out at present). we will tell them but probably after the event (when/if I get pregnant). Hopefully this will be just one of these things that people know but are really not that important. (We hope anyway)
x Jules


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## ceci.bee

HI just wanted to bookmark as have been following this chat - we are far behind most of you guys so my contributions aren't that relevant - we aren't even pg yet! but this is such an interesting area and am finding all your views v interesting thanks

lots of love to all
C


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## olivia m

Hi 
We hear lots of stories at DCN about creative ways teachers have of weaving different ways of conceiving/children coming into families into biology and sex and relationship lessons.  We have never come across a teacher who was shocked or offended by donor conception, only those who are more than willing to help normalise DC for children in their classes.  I think you have to be pretty broadminded to be a teacher!  But they do have to be told in order to be able to help.
Olivia


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## drownedgirl

DS1 has a friend who has two mums and has taken it in his stride, though after I explained about normal babymaking/IVF he asked how O came to not have a dad and I explained about sperm donors ...


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## olivia m

Hi All
I'm wondering how people feel about making connections with half-siblings?  It's not quite sharing info with others but does potentially mean being in touch with other families who have children conceived from the same donor.  This is happening in a big way in the States via the Donor Sibling Registry.  In DC Network we have had several half-sib connections made and 18 year olds can now register with the HFEA to go on their mutual consent sibling registry.  Mostly these link-ups seem to go well - although many of the children linking via the DSR are still very young and it is parents who have made the effort to find others.  But what if a child or young person finds they are very different to their half-sib and even have different views about being donor conceived?  I posted a news report from a US paper in the FF News section giving an incidence of where this has happened.  Have a look and see what you think.  ://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=245329.0

Half-sib links are much more difficult to make in the UK because very few people have their donor number and the HFEA now has an outright ban on giving out numbers...and I suspect that Brits are likely to be a bit more circumspect about making these connections anyway, but just wondered what your thoughts might be about this.
Olivia


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## Spaykay

Olivia - I have just read the article in a magazine you were interviewed for recently which talked about congtacting half-siblings...ought we open another thread for discussion rather than on here as it takes us away from the original focus, but is very interesting.

I am a teacher and we had a child who was from a single mother family and donor concieved. It did come up in the staff room but never negitively and the child never mentioned it at school. Unfortunately he passed away under very sad circumstances so I don't know how it would have come up later in his life.

We told my mum's best friend yesterday and she was great. I always cry when I tell though, no idea why, just emotional I guess.

Kay xxx


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## daisyg

bump


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## brownowl23

HI Daisyg thanks for bumping this. Hope to be able to share experiences with other without judgement


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