# Bringing LO home / 'Lockdown'



## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

So when we bring LO home (which won't be for ages but I like to think 80 years in advance)   we have to lock down for 3 weeks they say .... For those that don't know this means you shut everyone out and bond with the child for a period of time without letting anyone else near.

I know this is really important, and wondered how long others did it for or how they managed folks wanting to meet LO etc? 

I'm jumping the gun a bit as haven't got our panel date but are meeting FC and med advisor later this month, but I'm a planner and a planner loves a plan...and I know we all like to think ahead to when we finally meet our LOs so I'm in good company I'm sure  

Thanks everyone xxx


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## aaa is a MUMMY (Oct 13, 2009)

How annoying I typed nice long reply and battery died.

A lot depends on the child and honestly don't plan for anything cause plans just fly out the window at this time.

We werr very naughty.  Mil, sil, bil actually saw bubba 3rd day of intros we just happened to be out for a walk with a sleeping bubba. Our intros were cut short as fcs and all sws felt it was just silly to prolong things. Bubba was at ours all day til tea time from day 3. Fc have their own plans bubba was child 10 moved on. She hated the sun and been winter was in car for almost 2 hours a day screaming because it was in her eyes. Part of sw conditions for her coming early was that fc came to see her on the Friday.  He was shocked we had not taken her to see family.  Short and sweet in their homes and that is what we did it was all bubba lead if she was at all uncertain we came home. It was Christmas time as well so not the easiest.  We did confess to our sw and she was happy with what we did.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

we didnt do total lockdown (never heard that term  ) but we did limit people severely. We didnt have any visitors to the house in the early days(like first few months)..home was for just us..but we did go out and about in the first few weeks..the park, shopping etc..



the family would have burst if we hadnt let them see DD so we met them in the park..to her (aged 19 months)  they were just like anybody else we might meet in the park so we figured it was ok. after a couple of weeks we visited my mum at her house for a short visit..


if you see family just make sure they dont try and cuddle/pick up/care in any way for the child..that job is yours and dh's alone for the first months..even if LO seems to accept it, enjoy it, its HANDS OFF!
not sure where the 3 weeks rule comes from..that sort of intimates that after 3 weeks your child will have bonded and thats that  


there are some interesting threads on the parenting adopting children board at present where recent adopters have asked questions about the early days..


kj x


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you guys - sorry about the battery aaa!!!

Kj i thought as you did - why is 3 weeks the magic number?!

I'm erring towards being pretty strict and actually the meeting in public or going to people's home for a short spell is good - I can't bear the thought of hoards of people descending, expecting tea etc and cuddling LO. I do want our home to be 'our space'. A good friend told me today that when she gave birth to her LO she didn't let anyone round for 2 or 3 weeks - and that was a birth child! I really got where she was coming from, it must be overwhelming!

I'm not big on loads of visitors or fuss at the best of times and if I get wound up LO will pick up on it so I think I need to make it clear to folks that it will all be on our terms.

X


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Lockdown sounds like a tv programme    I know hubby & I are long way off this stage, but I guess you have to do what feels right for your LO & you and it will be a balancing act. You can spend this time telling friends and family that you expect they won't meet your LO for afew weeks and if its earlier its a bonus. Also, totally relate to not having folks at home - you want to be spending time with you LO, not making tea, tidying up after friends and family and feeling anxious. Bumping into folks in the park etc sounds like a very good idea  

How exciting Lilyelf - it's a lovely Scenerio to be thinking about   can't wait til we are there xxx


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## custard (Jan 20, 2006)

We are a week into little ones living with us, and we felt that they were ready to meet some family yesterday, so we arranged a short walk at a local national trust place and met DH's parents there. I really wish we had waited a bit longer, and done better preparation beforehand. The littlest was really unsettled by it. He clung to me and DH for dear life and was totally shut down for the whole time. With hindsight, he recognised them from the intros book, and must have thought uh oh, here we go again.    


We should have sat him down and looked at the book together, and carefully explained that we were just meeting them for a walk, but we got carried away with the others' enthusiasm for meeting family. They don't stop asking about people and when they will meet them. It's hard to balance their needs when you have more than one.


We've decided not to introduce anyone else for a while, and to meet with DH's parents again before we meet anyone else. Hopefully littlest will get comfortable with the idea that the other people in the intro books are family, and aren't going to take him away. It's a really play it by ear thing. In some ways I wanted to wait longer, but we were also so happy with how things were going, and were conscious that we're gradually bumping into people around town, and felt family were "missing out". You just have to do what feels right for you I guess. And 3 weeks is just one suggestion I guess.


Good luck!
J x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Just keep things low key when you do meet.  If you can meet in a neutral place that's familiar to little one it's easier (parks are great, so is soft play if you can go at a quiet time, as it's a really "hands on" thing in a none huggy/kissy sort of way for grandparents etc to do).  We struggled because all our family live a long way away.  I wouldn't let anyone stay with us for about 4 months after she was placed, all meetings were day trips, and the first was about 5 weeks in.  It was too soon and M-I-L did not stick to my rules at all.  I was not happy and she refused to listen to anything I was saying about Wyxling, attachment, or her problems at that stage.  She just kept telling me I didn't know how lucky I was to have such a wonderful perfect child who was all smiles, cuddles, affection, bright, wonderful table manners, so lucky she eats all her veg etc, with no appreciate of what lay behind it, or how different she was once they were gone, or that some of the things (i.e. she would eat, literally, anything) are not actually good things for a child whose been neglected.  She, like everyone else, clearly just thought I wasn't prepared for the reality of a toddler.  Now she does appreciate things are very different for us, but doesn't really always agree with our way of dealing with them.  She does do what I ask her to with Wyxling, largely, and we're about to have another conversation about this soon as Granny visits are still hard sometimes.  But, to be fair, all relatives do now do what we ask, and I am very grateful to them for all their support and help.  I think you just have to be sure that everyone you do meet in the early days is on board about how things should be and what they should be doing.

For us, as the park etc was normally out due to everyone living a long way away, it was actually better for Wyxling to introduce new people in the house than in new places.  We would have a little visit in the house, then all toddle off to the park.  Wyxling would relax noticeably when we were in the park (I used to take her every day, rain or shine, in early placement) and dealt with people a lot better.  She was very phased with new places for quite a long time, still is with new houses, and we really didn't do much visiting for some months.  We started having people come to visit for an afternoon or so a few weeks in, and that was only maybe once a month at first, because she was so stressed by it (people found this hard to accept as she appeared to them fine at the time) it took a long time to get things back on track afterwards.  We gradually increased it and the first overnight stay we did anywhere was about 8 months in and that was tough.

I think it's easy to feel too confident if your f/c does a good job on handover and the honeymoon period feels lovely.  I tend to see a lot of people do too much too soon, and then a few months in suddenly wonder why they have a child that's upset, confused, and kicking off all over the place.  Change is scarey to our children, breaks in routine are scarey, at a micro level and on a larger scale.  The move from foster care is simply terrifying for our children, especially one too young to understand it.  They lose everything familiar to them all in one big go, and are suddenly with people who two weeks ago were strangers.  They often do what they're encouraged to do, conform to what's expected, but at some point and in some way I think that will almost always display, often some time down the line when they start to feel safe in their new home.  Also when they come to start to attach to you at first that can be very scarey, because a young child can have no way of knowing that they won't be moved again.  Children may know what the word forever means, but a toddler won't actually understand that.  Bit of a waffle, but I think that honeymoon period can lead adoptive parents to completely reasonably feeling it's OK to bombard a new child with more new people and experiences.  We have been fortunate to meet a lot of people along our adoption journey who were adopting for the second time, and most of them agreed that they'd moved too fast the first time round because it had seemed OK at the time, but would be much, much more careful the next time round.

Also, as someone else said, we waited bloody ages for our kids, we should get that time, we need to make up for lost time, and it's good for both of us to be together as much as possible in the early days.  I snuggle my little girl ever day while she sleeps for her nap.  I will do for as long as she's small enough to fit on my lap.  She likes waking up in a snuggle now anyway, but even when she didn't, I needed that time.  I needed all the time that I could get with Wyxling, and still have very little break, even when things are tough.  When my M-I-L got her up for her nap once when we had to meet with SS, she did that, and I was furious and very upset.  It took me six months to get to the stage that she would wake up with me and have a snuggle, or do it in any situation, where we were calm, and I found it incredibly hard that someone else just came and took that time without any of the work we had to put in to get there.  I hadn't asked her not to, because it just didn't occur to me that she'd do it, but I don't think that Wyxling is ready for that kind of contact yet, but I have asked her not to do anything like that again.  I don't really like to leave Wyxling at all, but we have to sometimes for Social Services related stuff, plus it's good for her now to be taken out for an afternoon by her Grannies, just not to have the sort of care that really only we should give her in the house.

I don't know that I would say don't see anyone for a set period, because I think each child's different, but I do think being mentally prepared for an extended period of isolation is sensible, and protect your child from over-keen relatives.  They may not understand, and might be offended, but our children should come first.  I wish I had been much firmer and believed in what I was saying to people more.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

Oh, I just remembered what I was going to say before I got waffling.  

I find little helped people to understand, unless you draw the comparison with their own children.

I think saying that most babies have been with their f/c for a long time and will remember nothing else.  Imagine if someone took your baby at this age and put him with another family and he never saw you again, I'm sure you agree it would take poor little x a long time to recover.  I think most people don't think of it in terms of real children.  But if someone really does think about their 18 month old going to live with someone who they'd known a week and never seeing them again, they'll agree that no matter how good things seem, that's going to be a very mixed up child.

Good luck.


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## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

Wyxie said:


> Oh, I just remembered what I was going to say before I got waffling.
> 
> I find little helped people to understand, unless you draw the comparison with their own children.
> 
> ...


yes i have used that scenario before..it definitely makes people stop and think..


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## MummyElf (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you very much for your replies and the detail you have given. I'm really glad I asked because its easy to feel pressured or get excited that things are going well in the 'honeymoon period' but as you have so rightly pointed out, moving too fast will most likely cause issues later on. 

We will stick to our guns and take things very slowly and carefully.

X


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

We didn't lock ourselves away either.  First time round DS was 27 months and had been in a very busy foster home, it would not have been normal for him at all.  We were allowed to introduce him to my parents during intros as they were going away for 3 weeks and no one else was meeting him before them!  The most important thing is that YOU do everything for the child, you don't let people pick them up or change them etc etc, they have to learn the first port of call for care/needs is Mummy & Daddy.

Second time round with DD, 14 months, we were told to introduce my Mum straight away as she would be my main support if I was up all night with a screaming, unsettled baby.  Also, I had to do a school run 3 days after bringing her home and friends at the gate weren't meeting her before my parents.....  

Both my children are settled and have good attachments to us and also to my parents who they happily go to for sleepovers.

You really do have to look at what is best for the child and talk to the FC.  SWs are great but they haven't lived through this and the text book answers don't fit all.  Be open minded, get out every day, meet people for short times otherwise you'll all go mad.

Good luck 
OT x


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

I know everyone bangs on about care for the child leading to attachment but as I've posted elsewhere it's play as well. When you are playing with them they are getting used to your style of interaction and you are getting used to their wishes and needs.  

But I agree that these things may well be very different for different children and different families.


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I agree that play is brilliant for building attachment with children, or anything really that you can do together that can be fun.  

Some of the best interaction I get with my daughter is talking to her, when we're doing nothing else.  

She can be quite controlling about play at times, and definitely is about care.  I don't feel like I build attachment just by caring for her, but I do feel that it would be a bad idea to let someone else do it before she has accepted us doing it properly.  I do feel like the better she attaches to us, the more she wants to be cared for by us, and now she often wants to be babied, which is great.  The more babying we can do, the more it builds attachment, and it's often in a "fun" way.  She's recently taken to wanting to be fed.  There is an element of control in that, but if it's something I view as positive, I humour it, generally, and try to take control of how I do it.

But yes, I think I build attachment with my daughter by us having fun together, generally while trying to incorporate some physical contact, and often that is play, but some days it's not, or at least I have to be very inventive to get good play time, because play can be a lot about control.  When we eat together, we talk, she loves looking out the window into the garden and I can almost always find something that catches her attention, she's happy with my arm round her, and if she does decide she wants to be fed I'll often hand feed her rather than using knife/fork.  She used to have very big issues with food and we had to be quite strict about what's on my plate is mine, and what's on her plate is hers.  That's a lot better now and if we have pudding we often share and feed each other, that works well.  I would not want someone else doing things like that with my daughter yet.

Also, little does she know Mummy has another bigger portion hidden in the kitchen for later!


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Ha! Nice trick!


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