# Worries. Lots and lots of worries.



## Mogget (Jan 3, 2011)

The serious "let's really do this" decision that has now been made has got me pretty worried.  We have been looking at how we could afford this, and we think we can, and it's made it more real.  And more scary.  I lay awake a long time last night after my partner fell asleep with all sorts of things whirling around in my head.

So.  I'm worried that we're getting excited about this, but only have a very limited amount of money to play with, with no guarantees of success.  I'm worried about the emotional investment, and how we'll respond if we exhaust our finances without anything to show for it.  And exhausting our finances won't take much.

I'm worried that if things go well we find we can't afford a child.

I'm worried about our pets and the impact a child could have on them (is that a really weird thing to worry about?)

I'm worried about how we'd deal with the issue of childcare.

I'm worried that the child won't feel like mine.  

I'm worried about how our families will react.

I'm worried about the reactions of a whole manner of people (strangers, healthcare workers, teachers, nursery workers, other parents).

I'm worried about the lack of a father (even though s/he would have 2 very loving parents).

I'm worried that I'll be a terrible parent in general.

Those are all the worries I can think of right now.  Enough to be going along with I think.

Has anyone else had these worries?  Can anyone reassure me?

Mogget x


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## Pinktink (Dec 17, 2008)

We talked about loads of things that worried us before we embarked on this journey and I would say that you guys need to talk all of these worries through endlessly until they don't scare you anymore. 

I read one of your other posts about the financial implications of your partner having the baby and was wondering if you had looked into switching the maternity leave, so your partner has the baby but you take maternity leave and the time off at home with the baby... I'm told it's possible but I don't know much about it tbh.

If you want my honest opinion when you get into this and it takes over your life, you'll just want your baby and the things you fear will fade into the background... that is our experience anyway...

Good luck    x


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## The_Scenic_Route (Sep 9, 2010)

Mogget said:


> Has anyone else had these worries? Can anyone reassure me?
> 
> Mogget x
> 
> ...


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## welshginge (Jul 12, 2009)

Moggett - I think any one of us could have written that post. Your worries are normal. 

I'm in denial about our finances.
I'm preparing my dogs with a baby doll & sounds of crying babies - positive association!!
Childcare - yup, nurseries are daylight robbery! Are childminders cheaper?
DW was terrified that the child wouldn't feel like hers. She hasn't stopped grinning a like a cheshire cat since our 20 week scan, he will also have her surname.
Family - ours have totally surprised us at how excited they are.
I'll be a terrible parent - I'll be the best I can be!
Stangers - sod 'em.
No dad - not really worried about that one, all of our friends are male.

Get some sleep!! xx


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## MandMtb (Mar 6, 2009)

Hi Mogget,

I agree with Pinktink, TSR and WG posts and echo that it's natural to have such worries, and whilst most of the same worries I had similar to yours are gone, they are replaced by a whole  new set of worries now we are expecting our first child... but I guess that's the start of parenthood, and yes, TTC is a huge emotional investment  but when I read your post my thoughts were 'but what about if you never try'? how would you feel, would this be a regret?  

S x


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## Battenberry (Mar 18, 2009)

Yep, I agree too with the others, I think having such fears just means you are seriously thinking about what you are able to offer your child and the impact your child will have on your life, which is a good thing. I think everyone who is planning to have a child has these fears, and more besides, and it's good you can acknowledge them and talk them over before hand. I also agree that once you're expecting and then when you have a child the worries may change but for me are still there, they're just a different set of worries! For what it's worth our daughter is more like Dw than me and she's the non bio Mum! She absolutely loves it when we're all out together and strangers ask her all about her daughter, she couldn't be prouder. It's lovely to see. 

I hope all the responses on here will put your fears at bay a little. 

Love B x


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## Lucky1968 (Jul 12, 2007)

Hey Mogget,

Between us me and DP expressed every single one of your worries pre our son often from opposite angles. I was playing baby crying tapes to the cats to ease them in and DP was buying a cat net for cot. Your baby will be born and it will blow your existing life apart in ways that you can not even imagine and would terrify you if you could predict, but he/she will replace it all with feelings of love so overwhelming that everything else feels irrelevant. However, for the record:

*I'm worried that if things go well we find we can't afford a child.*
Apart from childcare, which does suck, how much you spend depends on you. You will be amazed, people you've said hello to once in the street buy you clothes when you have a baby and if you breast feed, use terry nappies (which we never did), shop around and use ebay, church sales etc, babies aren't expensive at all. The truly beautiful cot that we are now getting ready for second child cost us £41 of ebay whereas if you wanted to you could spend £800 on one from John Lewis. Babies grow so fast they don't get chance to wear things out so second hand things (even designer brands) come in fantastic quality often never worn or only worn once. We used to holiday abroad, now we go to caravans in this country, pre the baby being born I'd be horrified, but all our holidays have been fantastic - babies love beaches and don't care about the location and we've seen some beautiful parts of this country which otherwise we'd have missed.

*I'm worried about our pets and the impact a child could have on them (is that a really weird thing to worry about?)*
No not weird at all. People used to tell me that I'd have to get rid of my cats as they would a) sleep on the babies face or b) the baby would develop allergies to them. What utter rubbish and research shows that (unless you have rockweillers) children who grow up with pets are less likely to have phobias about or allergies to animals.

*I'm worried about how we'd deal with the issue of childcare*.
Don't worry about this now, it will sort itself out. You will have some maternity leave and you don't know how you, or everyone else will feel once the baby is born. Grandma's (even unlikely ones) go very gaga when a child is born and you may be really lucky and get support there, you will get child benefit and working tax credit and if your income is low enough you might even get something towards childcare, child minders are much, much cheaper than nurseries and who knows unlikely as it seems now you might end up shaking everything up and one of you deciding to work part time.

*I'm worried that the child won't feel like mine.*
So did my partner, but from day one she bored (and still does) everyone she knows and works with rigid with pictures and tales of our son and to be honest it is totally irrelevant that he isn't biologically hers as he is very much practically and emotionally hers. When the baby was born she did feel a bit nervous around authority (speaking to Dr about him etc) as she had no legal rights over the baby but times have changed and for you if you get pregnant via a clinic, or you are in a civil partnership, then the baby will be legally as much yours as the biomums.

*I'm worried about how our families will react.*
Despite living with my partner for years I didn't actually confess to being in a same sex relationship with her to my parents till two months before the baby was born. My mother was horrified and begged me not to tell my father (they had been divorced for many years) to spare him the pain I had caused her her reaction pretty much couldn't have been worse (for the record my Dad laughed and said tell me something I don't know). Once the baby was born everyone was over the moon and totally in love with him and cool with us. My DP's parents are dead so I don't know how they would have reacted but her siblings adore him and he them. They visit and buy him presents all the time, infact we see so much more of them now than before he was born.

*I'm worried about the reactions of a whole manner of people (strangers, healthcare workers, teachers, nursery workers, other parents).*
So did I, obsessionally especially after the baby was born. If you want to read my old posts you will see quite how bad I was. But in three years, more if you count the pregnancy itself we have not encounter one single bit of discrimination, negativity or even a shocked expression from anyone towards our very out family and our kind of family is becoming more common every day. Polls show that the majority of people increasingly think that same sex couples should be allowed to marry and this positivity increases the younger the person asked. Now I don't give it a second thought and just assume that everyone I meet will be as cool with the situation as we are.

*I'm worried about the lack of a father (even though s/he would have 2 very loving parents).*
Ditto. But you know what every single piece of credible research undertaken has shown that children brought up by two same sex mothers (there isn't much research about two dads but I'd imagine its the same) do just as well if not better than those brought up by heterosexual parents. Infact they are less likely to have behavioural or emotional issues, girls are likely to be more aspirational and they are less likely to be constrained by traditional gender roles and attitudes. Everything shows that the quality of your relationship and parenting is the important thing. Don't take my word for it, search the internet and then bask in smugness.

*I'm worried that I'll be a terrible parent in general.*
Ha, ha,ha there isn't any parent alive who didn't worry about that. I couldn't believe that they would even let such totally clueless, unmaternal wastes of space as us take him away from the hospital (neither of us even liked children, and to honest I'm still not that keen on other peoples) and I admit that the first 3 months were spoilt a bit by terror of getting it wrong. There are loads of books, health visitors, relatives, people on the bus ready with advice if you want it but for the first few months all they need is to be fed, cuddled and changed which is very easy after that you've got your eye in, a bit of confidence and you'll find that this overwhelming love and need to protect them just makes the rest just come automatically, trust me.

*Those are all the worries I can think of right now. Enough to be going along with I think.*
Give yourself time, just wait till the baby is born and then you'll have another fifty at least. Every tale of child woe, illness, death on the telly will make you feel sick. Not to mention the sight of busy roads, railway lines, duck ponds, big dogs, other peoples delicate ornaments within child's grasp. I'm 40 and my mum still worries herself sick about me, she says it never gets better *  *

Hope this helps and doesn't put you off, as I said we worried about all those things and are now waiting for the second so it can't be that bad can it?


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## Mogget (Jan 3, 2011)

Thank you all so much for your replies   I’m so glad it’s not just me that has/has had those worries.  DW seems so relaxed about it all.  Or at least, more relaxed than me.  She’s the one carrying the little one, but I’m the one doing all of the worrying.  I’m sure she’s worrying too; perhaps she’s just not being so overtly anxious about it!  In fact, I’m doing some of her worrying for her!

What am I going to be like when we actually start trying, rather than discussing trying?  I’m already very topsy-turvy emotionally.  Cry when I read success stories, cry reading stories from the unlucky ones, grin and giggle with excitement at the thought of it all one minute, almost explode with anxiety the next...
I’m going to drive myself crazy, aren’t I?

I do feel a little reassured now.  Thanks  

Mogget xx


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## kedmo1 (Aug 18, 2010)

Well i just read this and smiled, as I was awake til 1am this morning too. Puts my mind at rest knowing everyone thinks the same.
We're hoping to start Ivf in march and I keep dreaming about eggs splitting, mistakes at cliniv and having 4 babies,waking up in a sweat. LOL

Good luck moggat


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## welshbean (Feb 12, 2010)

Hi Mogget

I worried for my DW entire first pregnancy about how I would feel / bond with our daughter (we knew it was a girl).    I was the first person to hold our daughter (DW was delivering the placenta on her hands and knees - home birth) - and she stole my heart from that very second and we have never looked back.  

We run a gay parenting social group in Cheshire - and one of the things I have been thinking about recently is how we could support non-bio mums with some of this stuff.  

Any thoughts?

WB


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