# ideas of how to support challenging behaviour



## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Hi Everyone, just need to tax your brains. Please. We have made steps towards a sibling group and there are behaviour issues in one of the children - under five. I was wondering if you could aid my learning by telling me what support I should think about resourcing in my area, what theories could be useful, what tips you may have, any papers/books you can recommend or anything useful you can tell me that could help me. Many thanks in advance! love Frangipanii


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi

It really depends on what is causing the challenging behaviours.  At 27 months my son was classed as challenging with a possibility of attachment issues but reality was he needed firm boundaries and consistent parenting.  That was until he went to school and then his attachment issues started to raise their head.  Living with a child with attachment issues is extremely hard and impacts on any other children in the home.  

Traditionally parent doesnt really work so things like time out should be avoid, use time in instead.  Taking things away from adopted children often has no affect as they don't care enough about things, sticker charts are rarely successful.  

Make sure you have a good support plan written up, make sure it includes camhs, play therapy, anything really you feel you may/could need in the future, its hard enough to access support after AO but without it being in the support plan it will be even harder.

There are many reasons why a child will be challenging, some related to the reasons why they are in care, some hereditory, some environmental...some behaviours may improve, some may not and some may worsen.  Without knowing more its hard to say what would be helpful.

OT x


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Caroline Archer book First steps in parenting the child who hurts is good.

Dan Huges, Margot Sutherland, Bryan Post have all written good books but are more specific to attachment and how the brain is traumatised children works as to why they behave in certain ways.


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Thanks So much OT! I have written some stuff out on how we will cope, what support we have, what is in the local community, what research we are reading etc. I took some ideas from what you said so that is fab thanks! 
If you had to give a tip on the most useful thing you have learnt what would that be?
I am hoping to get some books ie the suggested reading you mentioned. It is a pity it wont be here on time! But never mind! Thnaks for your help! I am definately going to focus on the traditional parenting doesnt work and learn some of the possible ideas for what does work! I suppose I have a lot to learn! However I am keen, although having had a morning of research and reading and talking about how it can all go terribly wrong I am going to go and have a lie down!
much love and thanks! xxxx


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Top Tip!  Make sure you get time for yourself to recharge    My DS came home 5 years ago and other than the odd night he has stayed at my Mum's I've never been without him and nearly 2 years in with #2.  I am very much a 'do it all myself' person and haven't really had any time to myself...I plan on changing that for my own sanity because if I get ill I can't look after my children.

Good luck
OT x


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## Wyxie (Apr 10, 2013)

I think the thing that helped me the most in the short term, was the person who told me not to expect a quick fix. It is in my nature to fix things, in my world if things aren't fixed, it's because what I'm doing is wrong, and there must be a better way. Children with attachment issues and early trauma don't fix quickly, if at all in some cases. I think learning to accept our children as they are is the hardest thing, and adjusting expectations accordingly. I'm trying to do that again at the moment, I often need reminding about this, and someone did remind me today, indirectly, and I can honestly say despite 9 (I'm behaviour tracking at the moment, along with triggers) blow ups that have resulted in massive agitation where Wyxling has been hitting, kicking, biting, scratching me and her, and then raging when I've restrained her and she can't do it, then incredibly upset, we have had a good day. We've had lots of good quality time together, just the two of us, and with Bladelet and hubby at certain times, I've also had good time on my own with Bladelet. I'm really worried about my daughter, and what will happen if we can't help her to start controlling herself better when she gets older, but most people involved with her think she's just emotionally very delayed and needs to redo baby time to get there. The bigger problem was getting us to let her baby her, now that she will allow that, everyone seems to think we can work though it in the long run, but it will be long run, and in the meantime life doesn't go on hold and that doesn't stop us having good time. In the meantime, I enjoy her, she's a wonderful person, and I love her completely.

It's so easy to make everything about their behaviour, but it doesn't help. The most important thing is the time when our children are happy, smiling, having fun _with us_, and they can't do that when we are entirely focussed on their behaviour. It is a bit part of the day if you have the sort of issues with a child that Wyxling does, but it's not the be all and end all.

I waffled a bit, but I think what I'm kind of trying to get to, is do you think you could enjoy your child while their behaviour persists, possibly for a long time? Is that the family you're looking for? If a child is labelled, for want of a better way of putting it, as having behaviour problems, they're probably going to be reasonably severe. You are very very unlikely to find a quick fix for that after possibly an initial honeymoon period, so I think it's really whether you need to think about whether you can be happy with that being your family life, and the potential it could be for some time. The nearer that child is to school age, the harder it's going to be to fix. In a toddler, you have a long time to work with things without too much outside influence, as soon as school comes into the equation it gets so very much harder.

If you do decide to go ahead I have quite a lot of literature here on attachment and behaviour which I've been given which is very useful, but I only have hard copy. I can arrange to scan and email if you want, but I won't have access to a scanner for a few weeks.

If the problems are attachment based, I would enquire about availability Theraplay, I simply cannot recommend it highly enough, Wyxling has gained so much from it in really quite a short space of time. We've gone backwards since Bladelet was placed which was expected, but we're still ahead of where we were in so many ways even just 3 months ago.

All the best,

Wyxie xx


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## Frangipanii (Nov 21, 2011)

Just catching up! Thanks so much for support and info. I have printed it off and put it in my 'file'! So useful to have th

u lovelies to ask questions to x x


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