# Anyone else starting to feel guilty about being part of the Forum?



## Dopey-Dinah (Sep 27, 2004)

Hi,

I just wondered if anyone else feels guilty about posting on the forum now that the "hope" for another miracle has become a reality.........

I have a 10 month old son and recently had FET which resulted in a positive and since then have been feeling a little bit lost and guilty about posting updates.  I feel awful typing my news of scans and morning sickness when there are others who are obviously struggling to cope.  I feel like I'm rubbing their nose in it.

Everyone who has had any link to infertility knows how hard it can be dealing with "normal people" and their seemingly abnormal ease at getting pregnant and it's got me thinking.

If I were walking down the street and you saw me, what would your initial thought be?  Would you look at me with my DS who's nearly one and me pregnant with another and think B*TCH.      I'm not being funny - this thought really worries me.  I know that if you knew me to see, you would all be supportive because you would know the battle for my babies was hard fought, but the fact is we judge people on what we see and not what we should see.  I don't walk about with a placard saying I had IVF so anyone seeing me would assume I'm one of the "normal" ones.  How many people have I made this mistake with over the years when it seemed to be everyone else who was having babies.  How many of them did I assume were "normal".  

I'm sorry for the rant but I don't know how else to get my feelings sorted.  I'm so happy to be pregnant again, it's what we're all here for after all, but I'm scared it's the end of the road for using FF.  

Does anyone else feel like this or am I just being a bit nutty?  

Love Debbie
XXX


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## suzy (Oct 12, 2003)

Dinah,

I'm so sorry you feel like this, and I'm really sorry if it had something to do with my post about pregnant friends.

I think we all know some of how it feels to feel guilty about being pg - I certainly felt bad when others on my cycle buddies thread didn't get pg and I did, especially as it was my first time, and I also have a friend who I saw when I was 7 months pg, who confided in me that she had had many unsuccessful tries at IVF and had given up.

Speaking for me alone, there is always a sting when I hear of anyone elses pregnancy as it is a topic that is quite raw for me just now. But when my fellow H4AM buddies fall pg, I have so much invested in them, that overwhelmingly the feeling is one of being glad, somehow touched and even a bit tearful and moved.  Its as if I feel I am gunning for them like a cheering squad, and they are in this unfair world, the underdog in the race.  Maybe this is because I know some of what they have been through to get there, and also what it feels like to be pg after such a battle.

Othe people in the street are such an unknown entity that I think its hard to say what they think and probably more related to their own issues than you.  And no-one knows anyone elses story just by looking at them. If I see a woman pg with a small child, I may think "lucky thing", but its only a fleeting thought. I guess in my job, I'm used to knowing the stories behind people, so its easier not to think everything is OK.

I'd hate you to leave this board because you felt uncomfortable, or as if you didn't belong anywhere (I only want people to leave because they are happy to leave IF behind forever and then only with a fanfare and beating drums to celebrate, and I hope it happens one day to us all).

So I have no problem with you continuing to post on this board. But I wonder if you would feel more comfortable with a pg board or thread for women who are pg for the 2nd or 3rd time, like there is for 1st pregnancies?

Let me know what you think (I've also asked the management about this)

Love,

Suzy


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## *Kim* (May 5, 2002)

Hi Debbie

I keep the lists for the trimesters in the Bun in the oven board. We have and have had ladies pregnant with their second babies.

Please dont feel you dont belong in here anymore. None of us forgets what IF is and what upset it causes. I always get a pang when someone gets pregnant for the first and second time but that is because my journey is over, i am still very happy for them.

Come on over to the trimesters and join i with the others, they will make you very welcome.

love kimx x x


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## scruffyted (Jul 28, 2005)

Hi

I was thinking about this the other day as I really don't want to upset all my lovely H4AM friends-would it be possible to have a sub thread on this one H4AM  for "pregnant with another miracle" maybe?? So that those who don't want to read about it don't have to and at the same time we won't loose touch with all the wonderful friends we have made on this thread as they will ALL join us very soon.      
Just an idea.

love
Scruffyted xx


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## Dopey-Dinah (Sep 27, 2004)

Hi Girls,

Thanks for your replies.  I didn't mean to make anyone feel guilty and it was definitely nothing anyone has said.    It's more a problem with me than with anyone else.  I think part of my feelings come from the fact that I have been so so lucky.  DS was as a result of our first full ICSI and this pregnancy came from the first attempt at FET.  I will never forget the fact that I've had an "easy" run but where I can't fully appreciate how hard it must be to be desperate for a sibling for your first child, the memories of desperation for my first are still very clear in my mind and I do understand.    

I think the idea of a sub thread is great.  I'm scared of not having the support of the board but know my feelings of guilt about posting pregnancy type news on the HFAM thread, when others are having it tough, will probably stop me posting altogether.  If we had somewhere new to post, it might be easier on everyone.

Hope you're all having a nice weekend.

Debbie XXX


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## ~ Chux ~ (Apr 8, 2003)

Hi Dinah,

I know exactly how you feel. Although Jacob took nearly 7 years to conceive I still felt a bit of a fraud posting on the trimester boards as he was a complete fluke. I found conceiving again after only 3 months on metformin really hard as far as posting on here goes, so much so I didn't add an extra ticker for quite a few weeks after we got our  and it took me a while to jump in on the Trimester boards again, but the support on there is great. As Kim says there are a few of us pregnant with our 2nd (I think there are several there in the 1st Tri so you wouldn't be alone!) but I do still find it awkward sometimes and try not to mention Jacob too much (often failing miserably!). I am also quite conscious of not wanting to sound like 'I've been there' kind of thing.

Having said all that, IF has changed me (partly for the better and partly not!) and the feelings of not being able to conceive have never left me even though we have been so lucky now. It's something that was and is a huge part of our lives and doesn't just disappear. I haven't all of a sudden 'reverted' to thinking the same as someone who hasn't had a struggle if you see what I mean.

Anyways, as I am waffling now I shall sign off!

Chux xx


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## emma73 (Mar 30, 2004)

Hi - I have only speed read this as Luke is trying to type a nice reply - but I just wanted to say that I LOVE hearing about second preganincies concieved through treatment. I for one would be very sad to see any of the HFAM posters not post there any more as you are what gives - for me anyway - the thread hope. I am delighted for those of you that are pregnant and the hope that it gives me helps me stay positive and try and support others (when I ever get round to posting) and keep positive for myself too. 

I, during my last cycle, stayed away from the Edinburgh IVF thread as I already have Luke-  but one of the lucky mums who concieved there already had a son and I didnt feel that she had any less support than anyone else. 

Debbie dont feel guilty - really - its awful to think that you feel that you cant have our support - after all, its now that your pregnant that you probably feel you really need it. lots of hugs to you 

Emma xxxxxx


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## Dixie (Apr 17, 2003)

Hi everyone,
Debbie, try not to feel guilty about getting a BFP.  It was and is always inspiring for me to hear about new BFPs in this thread in particular.  Believe me you need all the support you can get, pregnant or not!  I felt very lucky after getting a BFP on our first ICSI attempt after having Caroline but then I went on to have the MC last year.  This made me realize how important the support I got from this thread and others here on FF was. After that it seemed that all my neighbors are falling pregnant like a bunch of bunnies  , I did feel abit of why not me but I think anyone would feel like that after going through the crap that IF makes you go through.  I realized then that all pregnancies are truely miracles and all we can do is hope for the best for ourselves and everyone else!  We were lucky enough to get this BFP while we were saving for another cycle of ICSI on our 6th attempt of IUI after our MC last year!  Hopefully everyone on this thread and others here on FF will get that well deserved BFP soon!  Sending   to everyone!  Love, Dixie


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## overthemoon.com (Mar 30, 2006)

I didnt have time to read all the replies, but I would just like to say that ladies like you are the ones that give us hope & keep us going.... I havent started IVF as yet but when I do reading about people who have been successful is great to hear..

Dont feel bad, celebrate   - sounds like you have been through enough to get here..

I would just like to say Congrats & wish you lots of love & luck..

Well done honey

xx Lisa xx


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## HollyB (Sep 14, 2004)

I haven't had time to read all the replies either - but I think some of you may be saying the same thing.

I read this board so I can read about all you lucky ladies who are pregnant for the second - or even third time. It's what spurs me on to keep going. Please please don't feel guilty. Your BFP's are a lifeline.

Holly


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## Siobhan1 (Jun 24, 2004)

Hi Debbie,


I can totally relate to how you are/were feeling.

We're not trying for no.2 just yet, but I often feel guilty for getting pregnant on clomid when I read of so many that don't & so many others that have gone so much further down the line in treatment. I feel like a fraud, as if it was somehow easier for me, it wasn't & it didn't feel easy at the time.

I guess it's one of those unanswered questions of why me? 

I pray every day that all the lovely members of this site get the child they crave for.

Siobhan x


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