# Struggling with not being able to have baby number 2



## loopy loo1017 (Aug 11, 2015)

Hi 

Just thought I'd start a post as I need to vent some of my emotions

I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship and have been trying for 6 years for number 2 I've had 1 failed icsi cycle and 1 failed fet but my recipient (I was egg sharing) fell pregnant so if all went well she has her baby now 

I feel like I shouldn't be struggling with this as much because ive had a child but it is killing me that baby number 2 will more than likely never come I can't speak to my oh because truthfully I don't even feel like he is that interested on having a baby and is going through with all this just for me which is nice but I want him to want this too....i don't speak to my family about it as no-one in my family has ever faced fertility issues...4 babies have been born in my family whilst I have been trying for number 2 and literally I think every time it has taken part of me away....there seems to be more babies being born than ever at my son's school 3rd 4th and 5th child and yet here I am left feeling so empty ( again feel like I shouldn't as I have my son who is my absolute world) i never knew i could hurt as much as i have over these last few years.....i feel myself filling up everytime I see a pregnant lady or a newborn and i have to hold it in so no1 knows how im truly feeling I don't want them to know, to see how fragile I am 

I should have been starting icsi number 2 already but I've had bleeding after intercourse and have now found out that i have cervical ectropion and need to have a colposcopy so now it looks as though I won't be starting treatment until December/January  I'm so fed up nothing seems to work out how id like it 2....this is our last attempt as my life has been on hold for 2 long and that's not fair to my son plus we aren't made of money and this has been hard on that area of our lives too

I feel like I needed to vent about all this and couldn't think of a better place 

Thanks all I don't know where I would be without FF  xxx


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## KDJay (Sep 21, 2015)

Hey Hun i am just realising how hard the longing for a sibling is after a recent failed fet and also guilt for feeling our little one should be enough. Hope your last cycle works for you once you get going xxxx


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## loopy loo1017 (Aug 11, 2015)

It is so hard and the guilt is terrible....are you looking to try again? Thanks hun I'm just really hoping it will work xxx


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## KDJay (Sep 21, 2015)

Yeh but we will have to do another fresh cycle as we have no Frosties and it just feels like starting again plus the cost is a worry as one cycle for us is about £10k


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## KerriJo (Jun 25, 2011)

I really understand how you are feeling, and it's so hard having to put on a smile for others who having their 2nd and 3rd babies, whilst feeling like you are crying inside, and noone has a clue how you are feeling. I am pleased for them, I really am, but I want a sibling for my little one too, and the envy is so overwhelming at times.

I know I am lucky to have my little one, but I want a sibling for him so much, and with each failed cycle, I wonder if it will ever happen.

Wishing you luck going forwards xx


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## KDJay (Sep 21, 2015)

Kerri jo, I know the feeling, the first of our nct group is pregnant and she was the only one who needed ivf apart from us for the first baby! What have you tried for a sibling? Xxxx


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## KerriJo (Jun 25, 2011)

KDJay, What haven't I tried!! Due to have another FET next week, but since having my son, I think this is cycle 10 or 11 including IUI, fresh ICSI cycles and FET. The hardest thing is that people don't know, so having to keep picking yourself up after each failure is so so tough, as well as the huge guilt I feel that my son still doesn't have a sibling.... xx


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## loopy loo1017 (Aug 11, 2015)

Kdjay that is alot of money to do a fresh cycle....its so hard starting again and the worry of it not working xx

Kerrijo thanks for replying hun I don't think the want for a child ever disappears and like you said im pleased for people but it kills me inside everytime someone announces their pregnancy...wishing you all the luck hun xx

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through to get a sibling....everyone who knows me knows I'm having ivf I couldn't keep dealing with people asking me when im having another 1....didn't realise until now how much of a personal question that is
Also people who ask me about it I explain it to them in a simple way and then they make a comment like i wish I could help id carry a baby for you not understanding that I can do that myself sometimes makes you feel so inadequate xxxx


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## Gulnaz (Dec 6, 2012)

I am going through exactly the same x
Have a DD from our 4th cycle in 2011. Since then have gone on to have 5 further cycles for a sibling fail. The most recent a FET, currently going through the worst AF I have had in a long time. This whole infertility sucks. It has taken over my life and drained me financially. I long in my heart for a sibling for my daughter as that is all she asks for. It breaks my heart that I cannot give her that 😭😭


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## loopy loo1017 (Aug 11, 2015)

Hi gulnaz
I totally understand where your coming from I've been trying for a baby with my current partner for 6 and it seems to have ruled my life that entire time...i hate that I see pregnant women and newborns and feel angry....i just want to feel normal and have a baby so my son can be a big brother he would be such a good big brother...i feel guilty that I cannot give him that and I think how lonely must he feel....life is so hard sometimes


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## Opossum (Oct 8, 2015)

im pretty similar... I have a DS (although with the same partner) and if I got pregnant NOW there would be nearly a 10 year gap and lets face it im not lucky enough to get pregnant right now

we attend a catholic church and EVERYONE has 3-6 kids and people are constantly pregnant and cooing over babies but the worst is the way the gossip to everyone about how their baby was 'a total accident' and 'they really didnt want any more' and how their birth control 'failed' like its a proud thing to brag about infront of your children

everyone I know has lapped me, ive been trying 11 years total, 6 years ATTC number 2 with medical help and people I know who only had their first 2 years ago have lapped me... even my 'infertile' friends have lapped me (I say infertile because it took them over a year but they didnt do anything other than having sex to actually try and wam bam feel pregnant *just* after the one year mark both times... but boy did they make a fuss, 'no of course *I* cant understand how hard it is for *YOU*' )

Ive lost basically ALL my friends because I just cant pretend not to be bitter anymore and people who are lucky enough to be fertile are often arses who dont get it.

im not really sure what more to say but I get it and theres others like us around


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