# why meet birth parents?



## Frangipanii

Please can people tell me their reasons for meeting birth parents, how it went and what you got out of it? We are undecided and cant figure out how we feel so could do with some insight from you lovelies!  
Thanks in advance! Xx


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## E3021

Hi,

We met the birth mum about four and a half months after placement - a bit later than I would have liked but that's admin for you!

We met her on the request of her SW, she had received counselling beforehand and was well supported at the meeting so it was as pleasant as could be expected. Our meeting lasted about 45 mins and we have a photo of the 3 of us.

Our reasons were:
1. To give the bm some peace and closure - we hoped she would like us and be able to take some comfort from knowing that her children were loved - she said all of this afterwards so that was nice.

2. When our dds ask in the future we have first hand knowledge to draw on about what she was like.

3. Our dds will know that we cared about their bm and about their history - this is why we're keeping in touch with the foster family too.

We didn't plan it but the meeting also satisfied our natural curiosity about what she was like.

I would do it, not the best memory ever but I think in the long run you will be glad that you did.

Good luck
X


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## aaa is a MUMMY

We met bm and birth grandfather 6 months after placement took ages for us to feel happy leaving lo. I felt sick all the way there not helped as bubba was poorly and just hated leaving her. We arrived our sw and bubba sw were there and then she arrived. I was totally overcome as she looks so like our dd. It was hard but there were lots of things that bubba did that bm did.  We asked why she gave her that name just any likes dislikes she had.  It was so easy to see how she had ended up in the situation she was in. We both actually wanted to bring her home and give her a good meal.
We had photo taken and sw both made notes for us to keep.
I am very glad we did as bubba will know we did and that although bm loved  her she was just not in a position to give her the care she needed.


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## MummyElf

We wanted to meet birth parents but they didn't bother to show up at the venue. Our reasons were:

1. So that we could tell LO about our meeting, what they were like, that we had made the effort.

2. To give them closure and see that their LO was with a loving family.

3. To ask specifics - like why they chose her name etc. 

A large part of me wanted to give them closure, but most of all I wanted to do it for our daughter. I want there to be no secrets and lots of open conversations so we will be keeping in touch with her very lovely FC and also trying to arrange contact with her siblings placed elsewhere. 

Hope this helps x


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## Frangipanii

Awesome ladies thanks so much! Really really helps!! Xxxx


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## Wyxie

I felt that unless there was a reason not to meet birth parents, it would be good to meet them.  I wanted to have the opportunity to find out more about them than was in the Court papers and reports, in case Wyxling wanted to know about them.  I also didn't want to have to tell my children later on that I had the chance to meet with their biological family, but didn't take it simply because I wasn't comfortable with it.  

B/m wanted to meet with us and a meeting was arranged, but work wasn't done that needed to be prior to the meeting and it had to be cancelled.  

Wyxling's b/f doesn't want anything further to do with her and no order for indirect contact was made, it was never an option.

We have asked about a further meeting being arranged, and Wyxling and Bladelet's b/m has contacted SS from prison to say she'd like a meeting to be arranged when she's back out.  However she wants Bladelet's b/f to be present.  We are not willing to meet with him as he is simply too dangerous, Social Services have also stated they wouldn't be willing to set up the meeting with b/f present because they believe the risk to us is too high.  We have said that we would like to meet with b/m if she would meet us alone, and if appropriate arrangements can be made to ensure b/f doesn't know where the meeting is.


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## Frangipanii

Just catching up! Thanks so much for support and info. I have printed it off and put it in my 'file'! So useful have u ladies for support x


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## happypenguin

From personal experience of the 'other' side of the fostering/adoption process I would urge everyone to meet with the birth parents (where there are no safety/other issues). It is not for us as adoptive parents to gain anything from but it is such an important piece of the puzzle for your LOs.

You can also use the session to find out the answers to the tiny, insignificant questions that may become huge as your LO grows into an adult - where their love of sport comes from, why they chew the inside of their lip etc along with 'your eyes are just like your mum' ' your hair is curly like your grandma' etc 

All of these things are important when you grow up in a family that you don't physically resemble - don't be afraid to embrace the differences.


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## MummyAuntieKatie

I don't think it would be safe for us to meet LO's parents, even if it were offered, but if we could I would for sure, for the reasons stated.  I'd love to be able to tell him that his eyes are like his BF or he gets his hair from his BM etc.  Funny thing is, he's got my chin, which I got from my dad...   and ears like DH


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Katie lol its very odd isn't it. Bubba has dh eyes and my lips and in some photos looks just lkke my nephews. Only thing is she is a skinny and we both fatties lol


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## crazyspaniel

Bm has now requested to meet us..
Following the recent court case it feels as though its all just too soon??


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## MummyAuntieKatie

Don't feel rushed, if you aren't ready right now you could always delay it a bit maybe?  I'd regret not doing it if I had the chance but I also think the timing needs to be right for your and your own peace of mind xxx


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## crazyspaniel

Thanks, we will do it and know its the right thing.
Also have LO to think of, who are we supposed to leave her with?!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

crazyspaniel said:


> Thanks, we will do it and know its the right thing.
> Also have LO to think of, who are we supposed to leave her with?!


I guess that gives you the perfect bargaining chip, that whilst you'd love to have the opportunity to meet the BM it will need to be in a few months once LO can be left for a short time with a family member. Easier than having to explain other reasons for your discomfort at doing it so soon?


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## keemjay

absolutely wait..you most definitely cant leave LO so early in placement and no one can expect you to do that so say yes please, in  3 months time  


kj x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

We waited 6 months for that exact reason. No way was I prepared to leave her. Now wait for this bubba sw suggested a family member come with us and walk bubba round the shops


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## crazyspaniel

.....so was that walk her round the shops in the bfs home town!!!!


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## MummyAuntieKatie

From my experience, SW's tell you all the 'best practice' and what you should and shouldn't do, until it suits them to change the goal posts, then all of a sudden it doesn't matter so much....


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Yes it certainly was and where we were meeting them!! So yeah we could have meet bm and then gone off to meetbup with bubba w and walked straight into her.  I have to say we both looked at sw and at same time said are you serious.  She honestly couldn't see where we were coming from


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## keemjay

AuntieKatie said:


> From my experience, SW's tell you all the 'best practice' and what you should and shouldn't do, until it suits them to change the goal posts, then all of a sudden it doesn't matter so much....


you got it in one AK!


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## wynnster

We waited a year after DD had been home before meeting BP's    They wanted to do it asap but dd was very clingy early on so we waited until it was right for her to be left, not when it was right for bp's or ss   

After such a long time dd really was 'ours' and we could talk about her properly. 

AK    Spot on   

xxx


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## thespouses

We have ongoing contact with birth family as some of you will know.  I think so far it's been useful in providing background - we have found out more about BM's history than we knew before for example, information keeps coming out!

In the future I think if will be good for little boy to get to know his birth siblings and grandparents and to see where he came from, and to get a realistic idea of his BM's limitations!


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## Mummy DIY Diva

This might sound strange and I may feel differently at the time but I guess I want to meet her / them for info etc for my children. But I also want to meet BM for her and my sakes. I work with children and always have and thought because I get so frustrated with parents that don't do the right thing by their kids I'd really struggle to feel empathy for a BF but without trying I have gone completely the other way. 

For me now, BF and DH and I are two sides of the same coin. They can produce children but can't bring them up, we can't produce children but can bring them up. I have lived for years as a mother without her children and it is so painful. The day that journey ends for me it will start for her and for that I am truly sorry and she has my sympathy. If she wants to hear it I want to tell her how loved, cared for and adored our (her and my) children are going to be. I want her to to have the small comfort of knowing who I am and that I will keep her children safe. 

I know the reality of the abuse or neglect our children have suffered may alter these feelings but I really hope they don't. BM is giving me the most precious gift in the world (all be it not voluntarily) and I will always be grateful to her.


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Gwyneth that is lovely. I am so glad we met bm and her dad because we were able to see how things had gone the way they had her dad was not really very supportive and it was actually painful. We got our first letter box this week we didn't get one last year but bm had written to us and bubba and she said she couldn't have wished for a better mummy and daddy and she was so happy knowing bubba was with us. I found it incredibly hard to read and cried a lot but to be able to put her as a person behind that letter helped if that makes sense! Xx


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Completely   so glad BM is so positive about you x x


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## Frangipanii

Everyone's replies certainly make interesting reading! I find this whole topic difficult. Yes Gywneth what u say is lovely and there is a part of me that wants to reassure and thank them(sensitively) but then there is the part of me that thinks of the reasons the children are in care and I find that hard. Then there is the professional in me that looks at power through knowledge and closure! And then the adopted person in me who traced my birth mother to thank her for the amazing life I have been given who didnt want to know. So who wins well what is best for the children wins as knowledge is power and I hope to be able to give them knowledge and understanding about their history first hand. However if hubby doesnt want to then I am not going alone! Social workers all seem a bit pushy on the subject and I dont like to be pushed but we shall see!! 
Loving the different perspectives!!! Super!!
Love fran x x x


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## Mummy DIY Diva

Just a thought if it was something you want to do and DH feels unable to perhaps your Mum might come with you? Just a thought ignore it if it is daft.


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## Frangipanii

Good suggestion for some but not for me. Thanks though x x x


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## aaa is a MUMMY

Fran I can't say it was something we wanted to do at all but we did because everyone said it was best for lo and we both wanted to do what was right. I almost left while we were waiting for sw I felt so ill. Hubby was sweating buckets. But it lasted 30 mins max and went very quickly and now I am so glad we did even dealing with lifestory work its easier to talk about bm and what she was like and I truly believe it was the right thing to do. A couple on our prep who wanted to but bm didn't turn up really wish she had as their lo's were a bit older and ask lots of questions.


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## Wyxie

Odd that you should mention going alone.  It looks like we may now get the opportunity to meet with b/m.  I would much prefer to go alone, and I know hubby won't relish the idea of going, but he feels like he should.  In reality, I would be much more likely to get the information I want, and to have a useful meeting if I went alone.  Hubby is very, very, middle class, for want of a better way of putting it, in upbringing.  He's also incredibly southern and we now life further north and b/m is oddly very local to where I come from.  While I know he'll be very polite and sympathetic to her situation, he's just the sort of person that I think will rub her up the wrong way.  He just comes across as so posh!  There are other reasons I think I may deal with the meeting better, and hubby agrees, but I still don't know how to broach the subject of just me going.


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## Jaynemummy

we knew right away that we wanted to meet our little one's birth parents, mainly so we could talk about them to him when he was able to understand.  However, it looked like birth mum would never agree to it, but the social services did a lot of work with her and in the end she met us.  It went very well (although our own families were worried we were putting ourselves thro it) it was a funny feeling, it's obviously something you've not done before, but it so extremely friendly and beneficial.  Even with all the past I know about his birth mum, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her sitting there with her little list of questions for us.

It felt natural to ask her for a hug half way through and she felt the same way.  she put her hand on her heart and said I can sleep each night knowing you are taking care of my *********, I'm so pleased I met you both, you're brilliant.  It was highly emotional but very worth while.  We went into meeting with no high expectations, if we got to meet her that was brilliantt, but in the end she answered naturally in discussion why she had chosen his name, who she thought he looked like when he was born, other little things, he had a pretty amazing story to birth so she talked about that.  She had her photo taken with us and gave us a box decorated with things in for our son - photos, first bootees, etc.  She had written us a letter which social services are copying so we haven't read yet but it was quite amazing.  we had to drive 3 hours back with our social worker so we stopped half way had a walk just us (not SW!) and talked, then we had an easy night as it's very draining but we are so happy we did it.  We found out lots of little things we would have never.  Don't feel too nervous, remember it's harder for the birth parent.  We had agreed we'd meet birth dad same morning but the social services our son was with bungled the mtg and told him a different day so he didn't turn up.  Sadly he did not turn up again when we tried to arrange his mtg our introductions week so for now that's ruled out.  Our ds was placed with us 2 wks ago and so we're concentrating on being a family of 4 (our older son is doing so well too)  keep talkinga bout how you feel about it, and discuss your feelings with your SW.  Ours wouldn't have let us meet if it wasn't safe or would have no benefit for us.

xx


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## Frangipanii

Thanks for your personal story! Jayne. I think it is lovely to read how different everyones experiences have gone. 
I am struggling with contact full stop today. There is a barage of photos and information all over ******** on both the children. Which I find slightly alarming and I am angry that the family could put two amazing children through so much. It is not my right to bring this home to them but I cant help feeling that they deserve so little. Bad day for my emotions today. Most likely I will feel better tomorrow. Its all a learning curve! 
Thanks for all your thoughts x x


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## Jaynemummy

hi, yes I can understand why it's diff for you, it's a massive thing which not many people have undertaken as they have birth kids and don't need to ever think these things through.  You must do what's best for you and your partner and child and if you're not comfortable then that's fine too.  Is your social worker easy to talk to?
If you want to contact me personally please feel free.  I know it is an emotional thing but we thought about it for our son for when he's older and got a lot out of it, but went in with low expectations.  You would be fully supported by your social worker - ours was marvellous, so was the SW supporting b. mum and the family finder was in too, she was sweet and was crying when we did :0)

if you want to personal message me, let me know how I do that (I'm new on here!) and it's fine 
good luck, remember to keep talking about your feelings :0)


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## Frangipanii

Thanks Jayne, speaking to sw tomorrow and seeing her wednesday so it will be interesting to see what happens x x x


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