# Introducing… and moaning (a bit)



## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Thought I better introduce myself and my DP here to the LGBT family…

I'm Mel - and with my DP Lisa - we've decided to have 3 'goes' with IUI (/DI) and stop there if it doesn't work - this way it's sort of leaving it to fate, as much as can be. We don't really have the finances to go beyond this, and we've decided this is emotionally the best for us as a couple. One way we have a baby, the other we continue to have each other and all the fantastic love and joy that entails.

So… I'm on my 2ww after a very abrupt start to treatment. Went in day 9 and they whipped me straight in as the follicle was nice and plump and ready to go. I'm now on day 20 and am getting all apprehensive and a bit wound up, to tell the truth. Much more so than I expected - so I'm glad I've found this forum where I can at least write my feelings out.

DP has been working really hard on a job application and she's bound up with the stress of that - with us both trying to get our heads around the possibility… un-possibility… it's a funny thing this.

And today I've had some upsetting news. I'm trying to sort out the sale of my uncle's house (he's gone into a home) on behalf of my parents who are getting on and are very grateful I've taken this on. But today, having sorted loads of stuff from a distance, some thieves came and dug up all the flagstones at the front of the house and bundled them into a van. So now I've got to arrange for a digger and rubble and gravel or something. What an  

Anyway… this probably isn't the place to vent everything. I'm not too bad really - just seems a lot on the plate and I'm finding myself to be more emotionally precarious than normal.

And I've just realised it's the L-Word (which I'm recording so I can watch it with DP after she's done her application)… so I can't imagine there's too many on the board. Happy viewing - hope it's good.


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## mintyfaglady (Aug 25, 2007)

Welcome Mel and congrats on staying sane thus far into your wait! Hope you're a lucky first timer. 
How awful about those flagstones getting stolen. What a pain for you.
I'll add you to the Who's Who when I get a mo.
Take care,
Minty


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay barbar /mel

nice to meet you!!  sorry i didnt spot you till today.  im FF addicted so normally pretty quick to respond.
 

really sorry to hear about your uncles house that is horrid.

and the 2ww is v stresfull indeed and its the last thing you need. 

hope your DPs job application is going well ... there is a lot of job insecurity at the moment isnt there?  a few other girls in the lgb section have been having job searching recently too.

so where are you being treated?  
not long to go now ...
very exciting ... i really hope youre first time lucky     

how are you watching the l word? and which series?  im a bit envious!!!

axxxx


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Thanks for the kind words. Things are beginning to get sorted now with the flagstones - been a bit of a stressful time.

Re. the L-word - it's series 5 - have been enjoying it (Living TV - or Dead TV really, as it's mainly Most Haunted on there), but won't give anything away if you haven't got to see it yet. Suffice to say the Tina-Bette thing is hotting up again - wey hey. 
It's a good attention-diverter, anyway…


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## magsandemma (Oct 18, 2006)

HI barbar

Welcome you and your partner to the board, how exciting in the 2ww, however I remember those 2wws very well and was going mad by the start of the second week, so you are doing well so far, esp with everything else going on, just try to relax altho I know its very hard, hope things with your partners application is going well and gets it finished soon.  Where abouts are you girls from, where you having treatment, I really hope its first time lucky, when is your test date??

Right must be off again as just finished a 12.5hr day!!

Maggie
xx


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Hi Maggie
We live on the lovely NE coast near Newcastle - and we're having DI treatment at Newcastle's Centre for Life.








.​ (There's Lisa on a winter day). I'm a graphic/web designer, and Lisa is a writer and projects manager.

Fertility-wise, my AF bleed is due tomorrow - so I'm guessing I should be testing a couple of days after or something like that.

Thanks for your post. I need to have a bit of an explore to get to know who's who a bit.


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay barbar

nice pic of the beach!!  beaches are lovely in winter arent they?  i live by the beach too.  love my winter walks.

ooh AF due tomorrow        are you quite regular?  

i think i have seen series 5 L word ... gabs and i watched it on the computer, rubbish picture but its just a bit too addictive.  its the last series coming up this year isnt it?  very sad.  

i love bette and tina too!!  

ax


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Hi A 
My cycle is pretty regular - but I came on 2 days early and then ovulation was early so… it's actually day 23 tomorrow - but that's 14 days after ovulation… so I'm guessing it's about right. 

blimey, you need a maths a-level here. I'm not very good at being bothered with keeping tabs on things - I'll have to put a bit more effort into it…

Shame you have to watch L-word on a crap format - there have been some scenes worth watching with as much detail as poss. Hmm yes, L and I are liking the Tina and Bette story; L's a bit of a Bette fan - she likes the up-tight, controlling aspect (what does that say about me?) and I like Tina - L looks a bit like her ;-)


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

barbar - 

you just sound very relaxed about the whole thing! im impressed.  i got really obsessed by monitoring my cycles and ovulations which made me feel i was 'doing' something helpfull but at the end of the day aslong as you get basted on the right day it doesnt matter too much.  well it all sounds like its looking good, fingers crossed.  

yes im sure youre absolutely right about the important bits of the L word.  my brother bought gabs the box set of the first few series on dvd but because we had seen them gabs thought we had seen them we should get an ipod!

aimeex


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## Twinmummy (Jul 17, 2008)

Hello Barbar ! 

welcome to FF ! im keeping everything crossed that it works for you ! wouldnt that be fantasic ! XX   

  on the L word ! love it, but like aimeeaby i didnt realise it was on ! im going to series link it now on sky plus !! 

   you get yourself a   ! 

Hi everyone -  !


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Thanks for the good luck notes from everyone here. And I'll cross my fingers/ limbs for those who need it…

Am on my 14th day after ovulation - no sign of old flo as yet… Will test Monday.

xx


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

barbar - wow - its looking good fingers crossed and toes and everything.  very very impressed you think you can wait till monday!!


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

urm…Lisa has said we can give in and get a kit tester Sunday if we can't wait…


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## Twinmummy (Jul 17, 2008)

GOOD LUCK


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

goodluck - will be thinking of you!


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Bleeding just on expected time - doesn't look good to be honest. What a shame - I'm so disappointed - and relieved all at the same time, if that's possible. Lisa the same. Well we'll just have to get back on track - we've decided to go full steam ahead for the second try in two weeks. Shame, but eh, well.


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## Twinmummy (Jul 17, 2008)

oh no   - good for you going again ! keep going girls !!    for this time


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay barbar   sorry to hear af has turned up.

good luck for next one


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

It's good to hear your support. We're ok this morning and going out for a walk on the beach and a cuppa. 
Back on the fertility pony, then.


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

*barbar* - hope the walk helped you guys! it can seem like a very long road. youre having unmedicated cycles arent you? does it feel very soon to go again in two weeks?


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

We want to get back in there before Christmas interrupts the process. Also I do feel that I'd rather not prolongue hope indefinitely. We've made our decision about having 3 goes without drugs and then stopping. We've both had to face the prospect of it not happening, and both of us have been more sad about it than we anticipated. But I believe sadness and joy are the two faces of the same coin, so I'm ready to feel whatever this process brings. And if it doesn't work out, so be it - we'll face our alternative path, and it's a good one, I promise you. 

It is a very strange experience all round. I was thinking today that I feel a bit like Cheryl in the Royle Family. There was an episode which made me roll around on the floor with laughter, when she goes to the arcade to see the clairvoyant. She comes back and tells everyone in the kitchen that the clairvoyant says that she will meet a dark-haired man and fall in love in 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years. She's all happy, and everyone's excited, until Twiggy's ogre of a girlfriend comes in the kitchen and tells her that the clairvoyant isn't worth anything. Everyone goes all quiet and sad for her. Then - is it Mary - her mum(?) pipes up - 'well, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'. Everyone agrees - sort of - and even Cheryl looks a bit non-plussed.

I think that's what I feel a bit like - did anything happen. Yes, it did, sort of.


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## Twinmummy (Jul 17, 2008)

hi barbar - that made me laugh !!

i hope you dont mind but can i ask why you are only going to have natural cycles ? would you not consider a stimulated cycle if it didnt seem to be working ?

I think your right going at it again in 2 weeks  , if you want something, we cant allow ourselves to get disheartened so early on can we ! Good for you and i will keep everything crossed for you. 

We had a natural IUI cycle in september, but it didnt work! we only had '3 goes' of sibling sperm reserved and that used up one go, so we decided to go straight to IVF as we didnt want to get into a situation where we had used it all up and still not pregnant. We really want our boys and our next child to have the same BF ! (bio father) but if reserves wasnt a problem i think i would have had a few more IUI trys. Not to mention the cost of IVF - was something we didnt think we would have 2 fork out for twice but hey it will hopefully be worth it !

Went to clinic today and im all cooked and ready! so im going in for EC on wednesday !

i wish you all the very best of luck for your next cycle and think PMA !!


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay barbar

three cycles seems so few to try cos some people take ages to get pregnant even in the hetro world.  but i guess if you've got non baby plans for yourselves that works too.  and whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

i totally understand you're something almost happened thing.  our minds are so powerful aren't they?  cos so much of how we feel today is based on our construction of the future or processing the past.  and when you didn't get pregnant you really feel you have lost something.  it is a real sense of loss.

i hope you guys are like us and get pregnant with in your 3 non medicated IUIs.  i realise how lucky we have been that it was relatively easy.  (i say that now, at the time i found it a hard journey)

loads of PMA and luck for the next one!


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Thanks aimeegaby and twinmummy for your replies - and good luck with your treatment, twinmummy. This past week has been a bit busy to say the least, with an impromptu visit to Leeds for a reunion with old friends - flatmates from Brighton days - I haven't seen together for 12 years. Both the women, who are straight(ish), have 2 year olds now, and they had a good old jaw about the highs and lows of the last couple of years and how they are now radically different to their old selves. It was a bit hard for me, I have to admit, when they were talking about how those friends without babies could never really understand what that change has meant - I really felt that they have something in common that I may just not be able to have, and I will have to accept. However, to be honest, they were pretty sympathetic with me, appreciating how hard it is to have limited attempts - one friend pointed out how getting pregnant had only cost her a bottle of beer or two…

This is part of the reason for just going for natural cycles - we really can't afford going on to the stimulated stage - well, not at the present time anyway. The other reason is that both of us feel we want to leave it to fate as much as possible  and limit the time in the limbo of treatment. We are lucky in that neither of us feel that if we do not become parents that will be the end of the life we dream of for ourselves, though we appreciate that it will mean a sort of grief and then a discovery of a new path. We're hoping, anyway. 

Tomorrow I'm going to the clinic on my 10th day to see if a 2nd treatment can begin (of course, it may be too late - I ovulated on my 9th day last time - but that was a Sunday this time, when the clinic is closed). 

I'm going to TRY not to get too obsessed this time - but it's an unlikely thing…


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hi barbar

so how are you monitoring your ovulation?  do they scan your folicle when youre at the clinic?  do you use the ovulation predicter kits?  the digital fertility monitor clear blue do tells you when youre fertility is getting 'high' for two days before you ovulate which might help take some of the nerves away.  

i was using the opk and if i detected the leutinising hormone surge on saturday meaning i would ovulate on sunday they would baste on the saturday just late.

i know its a funny question but do yuo think you might be putting too much pressure by saying now or never with three tries?

if it doesnt work out now, maybe you might try again in a year or two?

would egg sharing work for you guys to help with costs?  we were considering it if it had gone to the ivf stage.

glad youre friends were supportive with you regarding ttc.

good luck tomorrow. got everything crossed.


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Disappeared for a bit there - and my period is due soon on the 2ww.

In reply Aimee (a couple of weeks back now). The monitoring is done with a scan - perhaps next time we should try your advice on the hormone kit - I've a feeling I'm not preggers on this one ( ) as my breasts are getting bigger and it's 2 days off my period. I did get upset a week ago as I thought bugger all was happening, and then spotted a tiny blood spotting on the 8th day - but who knows. Really, dunno - will have to wait and see, but trying not to get too hung up on this. 

Who knows what we'll do if the third one fails - will have to think about it then. Some of the issue is that I'm 38 (just… birthday last week) - so I don't know about pushing it. We may consider egg sharing - but it's an op, isn't it - not sure how I'd feel about that, and I know Lisa may be even worse in being concerned. But - we'll cross that bridge etc.

The last couple of weeks have been sad, and crazy and lovely. Lisa didn't get the job she'd put loads of effort into getting - and it's the first time she's failed at interview (she's usually very impressive, but she found the panel very, well, flat - and not only that, they told her right at the start that the job may be cut - how crap is that?). But… we're picking up from that and she's getting some optimism back. We may just be rather skint in the coming months - no different to everyone else there. 

Second, my lovely lovely uncle and godfather, who's had dementia and went into a home 2 months ago died suddenly on Friday. I'm really so sad, and relieved at the same time, if that's possible. I found it very hard knowing he was trapped there - he's a mariner who lived in a house in the woods - he likes the wilderness - so the thought of him in a care home… he kept rattling the gate in their little garden to see if he could get out. Before going into the home he'd lived on Mr Kipling cakes (really - nothing else), so I think his body had gone to pot - and when he got to the home, he probably couldn't cope with real food. 

And… just before he died, and just after my birthday and Lisa hadn't got the job, a friend of a friend emailed in distress and asked a big favour. Her partner was going into hospital for a major op in Newcastle and she asked if she could stay and could we babysit her 3-month-old because he wasn't allowed on the ward. So… we stopped work every afternoon this past week and looked after the baby (ahh… what a cutie). And now we've made a good friend out of an acquaintance that I'd only ever met at parties in various altered states… How strange life is. 

Oh - and I have to work out what to do with my increasingly senile father; boy - you have to grow up fast as you get older…

I guess these things have been good distractions…


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

hay barbar

i think scanning is far more effective than the ovulation predictor kits, but hopefully you wont need either again.

sounds like you have been having some momentous life expereinces.  totally get why youre relieved and sad about your uncle-god father, sounds like he wasnt one for being in a home.

poor lisa, hope she bounces back ok with the job and there is something even better on the horizon for her.

does your dad live near you?  are you the main career for him?

its lovely when aquaintances become really good friends, a friend in need is a friend in deed, so they say!

really good luck for the last of your 2ww !!

fingers and toes and everything crossed.

love aimeex


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Thanks for your comments Aimee - again, seriously appreciated.

I'd like to ask - how comes you're in spain - did you move there/ do you have a spanish connection. Where are you based (I only know some of Spain, I have to say - south and Barcelona. Have some very good friends in Madrid, too. 

x


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

gaby is gibraltarian.  she lived in london for 17 years so she is civilised (    ) .... anyway about 4 years ago my dad died, and on the day of his funeral gaby;s mum got diagnosed with cancer (she is fine) but gaby really wanted to live near her parents.  which was understandable.  so we moved here three years ago.  also part of the motivation for moving here was to stop the clubbing, and the crazy working hours that i did, so we could have a family.  im not sure i could have done my old job and had a baby.  it has been really hard, much harder than i could have possibly imagined.  i miss almost everything about england.  but there are some nice things that will make having our family easier, child care is really affordable, the cost of living is lower than london and we can survive (we hope!) on one salary, we live next to the beach.  it has also been an amazing time for gaby to get close to her parents again (she left partly because her mum had a really struggled with her being gay and no one told her dad till about 7 years ago) and also i think it has been great for gabs to come 'home' to the place where she grew up to have a family.  i think it has meant that our baby has been accepted by her mum and dad and extended family in away that wouoldnt have happened if we still lived in england.

so we are in the south, right near gibraltar.  we work in gibraltar but have a house in spain.

any sign of AF?


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## mosie32 (May 2, 2008)

Hi barbar, 

I read your post & just wanted to say sorry about your uncle passing away.  You brought back memories of my beautiful grandma who died in June having suffered from dementia & cancer.  She, too, lived off Mr Kipling's and her dog had a diet of chicken fillets topped with french fancies & kitkats!  She was a farmer's wife, a country woman through and through, so I was relieved that she passed away before having to do the home thing, but I can't believe how much I still miss her.....

Good luck with your 2ww, got everything crossed for you.

Polly x


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

Hi Aimee and Polly

I'm on my 15th day and still waiting for a sign of AF - will wait till tomorrow morning and then take a test. How time just goes into slo-mo… and knicker-watch is truly a ridiculous sport.

To Aimee - 
Wow - some story. Sorry to hear about your Dad dying - I realise as my dad's time is pretty near and I can hardly bear to consider if. Anyway… enough of this; I've my uncle's funeral next monday - and I'm finding tears rather too easy at the moment. My partner already describes me as a squirty-eye gazza doll without anything to cry about! (BTW this was a doll that featured in the Viz with reference to cry-baby footballer Paul Gascoigne).

I don't think I've ever met a Gibraltarian before; I imagine Gibraltar is a bit like England to the power of 10 - is it very nationalistic? 

It's good - even when things are tough and unexpected like the move from London, that relationships are built. Having a family is a tricky issue for parents of gay kids to face - so I'm glad it's working out. I'm hoping mine will be supportive  when and if it happens. 


Re. Polly
Thanks so much for your thoughts. Someone in the family dying knocks a hole in you. And even though I didn't see my Uncle all that often, I realise how important he is to me. And at least, with him dying, I can remember him. Dementia is a cruel blow, taking away some of that person. Mind, even when he couldn't remember himself, my parents, me - even when he couldn't talk - he was still kind to people.

Gotta go: my pudding is being served (apparently).


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

oooh day 15 and no AF its so nail biting isnt it

i hope your uncle's funeral is a wonderful celebration of his life and of the kind man he was.  btw the crying for nothing also sounds like a good sign ...  but i suppose cld be pmt too ....  

knicker checking is a terrible affliction isnt it?  do you have AF type pains?  i did all the way through the 2ww and then for another 4 weeks or so ... very disconcerting but apparently a good thing.

gibraltar might seem like england to the casual observer but to be honest they arent very english, excpet perhaps that they do value queueing like the english ... which may be one of the defining features of an english person.
the architecture is kind of 18th centurty colonial in parts ....its predominantly catholic which isnt very english.  although there is a large hindu, morcocan and jewish communities in gibraltar which you dont get in this part of spain at all.
the gibraltarians are fiercely patriotic which seems like an anachronism untill you spend alot of time here.  the whole history of the region is so etched into the psyche that you cant really judge it like that.  i mean this part of spain is very different to anything else if you scratch under the surface.  
to me it has been a real insight in to how history and economics do play a massive part in shaping a nations or regions consciousness.

hope you enjoyed your pud.  let us know your result.


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## Twinmummy (Jul 17, 2008)

Good luck Barbar !! all the best !


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## the2mummies (Nov 21, 2008)

Good Luck Barbar


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## barbar (Oct 31, 2008)

No luck this time (as you may have gathered). I was hoping like mad on the 16th day, starting to look into the future, which is a mistake. I went to the clinic to get a pregnancy test… and I came on. We're both so disappointed - and on top of everything else (my uncle's funeral was two days ago) it's been a tough couple of weeks. But - both of us are a bit more positive today, after a couple of days of doldrums for us both, in which I went out and got drunk with friends for the first time in a year, and DP stayed in to get some time alone - as well as getting the heating fixed which had broken on the day of our return from down south - lucky her. We are surely looking forward to Xmas at DPs parents down on the Isle of Wight; get on really well with them, so it should be a relaxing time. 

We plan to have a break over Xmas, a necessary breather, and then go back for the third without drugs in January.

Aimee - 
Gibraltar sounds fascinating - seems like there have been a variety of invasions and colonisations and something rather different - spanish, english, north african? - has come out of it. Does the patriotism make it hard to be an incomer - or does Gabs' help in that she is from there? And what's it like as a couple - can you be out there? Is there any gay/ lesbian culture? I'm always amazed at how people manage to work it out. I met an amazing Greek couple when I was in New York visiting a friend - but they were both very much 'in' when in Greece - especially as one was a high-profile radio presenter, making it impossible to be out in any way. Very tough - I think we have it easy here. Newcastle is very much a working class town and there's a perception that this make people less liberal - but I've found people here to be pretty accepting and ok, from whatever walk of life.


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## leoaimee (Jun 3, 2008)

oh barbar       

i guess the more tries you have the more you are going to want it!  

i had acupuncture and also listened to great hypnotherapy cd's both of which i think are really great.

re gibraltar - there is a big maltese and genoese infuluence here, and its reflected in the language and the surnaname.  gabys family was from malta in the 17th centruy (on her dad's side) and one side of gibrlatar had a kind of genoese community for many years, but its more or less intorgrated now .... and when youre talking about a population of under 20k its tiny micro cultures we are talking about.

we are really excepted here as a couple.  we are really lucky that no one has batted an eye lid regarding us as a couple or having a family.  you might have imagined that there might be some problems, because the people here on the one hand can be pretty small minded in some things.  leggally we are in the dark ages, the cheif minister is very catholic and seriously opposes any legal reform to give equal legal rights to gay couples.

gay people generally leave here i think, go to live in london or spain somewhere.  so there isnt a gay scene in gibraltar.  there are some lesbians ... 
there are quite a few married in the closet lesbian and gay people here.  but people talk about them because its a small place and everyone knows each other.

i kind of feel me and gabs are trail blazers being open and out.  its been great to have such support from gabs parents too.

gabs family is jewish and some sections of the jewish community here are pretty orthodox and dont even include gaby's brother in weddings etc cos he married out, so whenever we get an invite including me the whole family has a little 'woohoo' and we make the effort to go along!

anyway im waffling about me!!  its probs very dull for you!    

how are your families about you starting a family?

love aimeexxx


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