# Donor dilema



## Fairie (Sep 13, 2009)

Hey girls...I don't really get the chance to post here much, but I have a question. Myself and OH have been TTC for almost a year now using various known donors we found online (they always end up having some excuse to stop, starting a new relationship, becoming too emotionally involved etc...) and our latest one has decided he wants to have a break until around September so he can go travelling from next month. I was ok with this at first, as I've recently had my 3rd miscarriage and was taking a break, but now I want to get back TTC asap. A friend I met through another website just had a baby with her boyfriend 3 months ago, and has just emailed me on ******** asking if I'd consider her boyfriend being our donor?? Now I don't know them that well, I've never met him, but I've meet up with her a few times at various website meets, and we got on really well. She said they'd been chatting about me last night, because she's bisexual, and he is her first boyfriend (they're together 4 years), and she was saying that if she hadn't met him, she'd probably be in our situation now and looking for a donor to start a family. I said wouldn't it be weird, their daughter would have a half-sibling etc, and she said they wouldn't see it has his baby, just that he was helping us start a family and that she'd be so proud of him.

I'm totally shocked by this, and was wondering if you think it's a good idea to go ahead with it or not? It would be weird going to meet-ups with our babies if they were sisters, but I wouldn't have a problem with them staying in contact etc. I havn't mentioned anything to OH yet as she's at work til late tonight, but she usually leaves picking donors up to me now, and it's me who's carrying the baby, and we know at this rate beggars can't be choosers as we've been through so many!!

Any thoughts/advice would be great!!

Thanks


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## ♥JJ1♥ (Feb 11, 2006)

It is difficult when picking a known donor- my known donor is a friend but a gay man without children and the 3 of us are very close.  So sorry to hear about your losses- have you been referred to a miscarriage clinic and investigates? after 3 miscarriages they will investigate. 

Maybe it is worth drawing up a contract so that you all know what you are expecting- like you expect them to be available when you ovulate, how many months are you going to TTC so that you know that you can rely on them and they know what they are letting themselves in for etc.

Wishing you luck

L x


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## nismat (Mar 7, 2005)

Hi Fairie,
I would say that it would do absolutely no harm to actually meet up and discuss the possibility of this bloke becoming your donor. For one thing, you need to find out how positive he actually feels about it, or if it's more coming from his girlfriend than from him. And you would definitely all need to talk seriously about what it would mean if it works out and you do have a baby, being honest about whether it would feel weird, how you would all view the childrens relationships as well as your own (i.e. would all of you see them as half-siblings or not?). 
Then, as JJ1 suggests, you need to make it really clear what all the logistical implications are - after all, doing DIY insems requires rather more planning than simply having a bit of nookie   Drawing up a written agreement sounds like an excellent plan, as then everyone knows where they stand.

Best of luck x


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