# Newbie in a Dilema



## Emsloon (Mar 30, 2005)

Hello everyone, I can't believe I'm doing this & that I have found this site literally at a time when I need it the most. It must've been fate me finding you all today, as about to have a discussion with DP tonight about our situation, so feeling very, very emotional.
My story so far, me 38 this sunday, DP 41, Ectopic 01, removed left tube, right tube damaged. 3 IVF cycles & 3 FET cycles, 3rd IVF +tive, but m/c at 6/7 wks. Always have good quality embryos & respond well to drugs & DP has what they call 'Super Sperm' much to his delight!
DP would be happy to stop now & call it a day, but my overwhelming feelings to be a mum are strong I just can't accept this. We have agreed to have one more attempt at IVF, but DP says that if that fails then we call it a day & say it's just not meant to be. I am happy to make the next IVF the last one, as I don't want to keep doing this to my body & it is exhausting. Before I go for IVF though I would like to know if it is worth me going to get second opinion from another consultant at another clinic, as I just feel that my clinic aren't all that bothered about why it's not working for us & don't offer any sort of test or investigation. I really feel that they are literally just after the money & not that bothered if we get a result or not. 
The other thing for me is that I would adopt at a drop of a hat & DP just refuses to discuss it & says that he is not having someone else's child. I don't understand this as every weekend from Fri eve to Sun eve we look after DP's great nephew, who is 2.5 yrs & we have been doing this since he was 3months old. We love it & he loves it & we have been very privileged to have been able to experience all we have through him for all this time. I want to get through to DP is that when his nephew is older he won't want to come to us all the time & gradually things will get less & less with him. The other thing I wanted to mention is that my best friend & her husband, who have their own three children, have offered us the last resort, in that she would be a surrogate for us with our own embryo's if this was our only option (what a fantastic friend, that's a whole other story!) but I know that DP would flip at the thought of this. 
I know DP hasn't come across very well from this, but he is lovely really, it's just that he sees everything in black & white.
Even though we're having another IVF attempt & some may say just relax & wait until we've done that to discuss it, i really feel strongly about sorting out what our options after that if it fails are. I don't know if I can go through life not being a mum to someone, whether biologically mine or not & I love DP deeply, but the feelings to be a mother are so much stronger & I don't want to end up resenting him later on in life when it's all too late.
I'm so sorry for waffling & making this such a long first post, but I really need some words of wisdom right now.
Thank you so much 
take care
love
Emsloon


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## olwen (Oct 26, 2004)

Hi Emsloon,

What a horrible position you are in. I have been through something similar in that my dh wont consider adoption, whereas I want to look into it as an emergency back-up plan just to know that I still have another option when we decide enough is enough with the IVF/ICSI. Like your dp, he says he cant bring up someone else's child. Obviously I would prefer to have my own children, but if it came to it I would rather adopt than live child-free.

I dont know what the answer is. Its so hard. Your friend sounds like an amazing person offering to be a surrogate. Have you talked about it to your dp or have you not mentionned it because you already know how he'll react?

I wish I could help you more. The only thing I can say is you are definately in the right place for advice, support, shoulders to cry on, and friends to laugh with. Welcome to FF!!!! And.....
Happy Birthday for Sunday!!! 

Love Olwen xxx


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## EH (Dec 3, 2003)

Hi Emsloon,


Sorry you're feeling so low, but glad you've finally found FF.

I totally understand the need for a back up plan. The desperation for have a child can literally send you mental can't it!!!

Not sure if you've tried explaining all you 've said to us to your DH but it might be worth a shot. It's definitely something me and my DH are considering if all else fails, as we too don't want to live childfree, especially when I'm sure there are thousands of kids that need good parents like us....

Try to take things one step at a time, you've got another stab at it and your friends offer is wonderful,although that will obviously throw up many other decisions.

Contacting another clinic for a consultation is a v.good idea. I have changed clinics recently and feel more positive with my choice as they monitor you a bit better and did lots of tests I hadn't had before we embarked on this round of treatment. It's expensive but they do a hysteroscopy and super dooper immune blood tests, which thankfully all came back fine. But if they hadn't there seemed to be lots of solutions available to us if needed.

After our last failed ICSI, we embarked on 6 months of TCM and acupuncture, which has worked wonders for us both, physically and mentally. Why not give something like this ago to really give yourself the best chance possible. 

This is such a rollercoaster it's hard to know what direction to head in. Just try and keep moving forward making little positive steps and talk as much as you need too. We can't always make you smile but at least we all know what it feels like.

Take care

EH x


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## Mrs CW (Jul 12, 2004)

Hi Emsloon,
Aw, you're having a difficult time, I'm really sorry.  

I agree with EH, try a different clinic and think about some acupuncture if you haven't already.  I'm convinced it made a difference to my last cycle.  

I totally understand wanting to adopt.  But I also understand the reticence of your DH.  It is a tough call to bring up someone else's child, if you think the emotional upheaval of fertility tx is hard, I imagine adoption is even tougher.  There are so many issues.  Perhaps he is thinking ahead to all the possible problems with adoption but it's all a bit much at the moment?

Like you I was very keen to consider it and I was very surprised when my DP said he would too.  I had assumed he wouldn't as he already has older children of his own from a previous marriage.  However as we kept talking our views got more challenged and he changed his mind later, and didn't want to adopt a baby but an older child instead, which I was happy with.....then he started to waiver and wasn't so sure about adoption at all......we were probably jumping the gun, I was still too emotionally overwrought from tx and the hormones and his energy was being sapped trying to support me with that. It just wasn't the right time to get into those kind of what-ifs.  luckily we didnt have to have the debate any more....

But my advice would be to leave it for a while and make decisions one at a time. If this is to be your last IVF, throw yourself into it, and decide that you've had enough of treatment first.  

Then when you've both had some time to see and think about what it's like to remain child-free and what you could do to make this a wonderful life together without children, and whether that's going to work for you, you and he will be better placed to decide whether you see adoption as a chance to have a family even though they will not be genetically yours. 

I would think similarly about surrogacy - the issues with that are even greater.  

Give him and yourself time, I think it is hard to make massive life-changing decisions when you're still going through tx, but it's very tempting to think about all your options now, because you want to be a mum so much.  

Take care, and good luck for your next tx

Claire xx


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## jess p (Sep 25, 2004)

Hi,

Your DH sounds so much like my DP in that he can't look too far into the future.

It sounds like he really wants you both to concentrate on this last ivf first.

I find I need plans A, B & C but DP can only work with plan A!  I think it's a man thing!  It seems really alien to us women but maybe in the circumstances it's quite a sensible policy.

Most adoption agencies/social services insist on a break of between 6 months & 1 year after your last fertility treatment.  Wewn I spoke to SS they told me that you needed the time to "grieve" & rebuild your relationship.  Was a bit surprised but it does make sense.

Don't give up on this ivf - you have had a BFP before so that is a positive to build on.

Are there other clinics near you? I wouldn't want to change & travel miles extra but if you have a few near you it wouldn't hurt to make enquiries else where.

Goodluck! I'm glad you found the site - it really does help! (Don't expect your DH to understand though! Mine still calls me a nerd!!)

Jess x


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## Flakey (Nov 5, 2003)

Hi Emsloon

Just wanted to say hi. We had our treatment through the ARGC and I know that they have the best success rates. Reading through your text there doesnt seem to be any reason why your treatment should fail continuously and it must be so frustrating and heart-breaking for you and your DH. If your next cycle is to be your last then it might be worth having some tests done first, particularly immune tests if you havent had these done already. I believe that the ARGC are very good at this. It might be worth talking to some of the girls currently undergoing treatment there. To access the forum go to the URL below.

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php/topic,26563.0.html

Good luck. This site is an absolute life-saver !

Flakey x


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## mrsmc (Mar 8, 2005)

wow,you could be me talking! I have had 6 ICSIs all at the same clinic. We had a review there last week and we were told basically to forget the ICSI and go for adoption or donor sperm. I was gutted to say the least but was even more shocked when DH point blank refused either option. After much thought we have decided to seek a second opinion elsewhere. We are not under any illusions, we were told that I am not getting pregnant due to his poor sperm so we are expecting to be told this again. However, like you, I did get pregnant once so there is a tiny bit of hope there. If it is bad news I am thinking of it as an opportunity to put closure to this whole business but I cannot live with the 'what ifs' if we didnt go elsewhere for advice. Sorry for waffling on but I hope this helps. Good luck with whatever you decide.


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