# We are falling apart ( preg and stepdaughter)



## irisheyes (Feb 2, 2005)

Hi girls, 

I am hoping someone can advise me on this. Girls who were on this board maybe a year or 2 ago knew something of my situation but i am hoping anyone can help me.

As some of you know I brought my stepdaughter up from age 4 (dh had full custody with mother having visitation). We got married when she was 8 and wanted a sibling immediately. Anyway see my profile and you know that didnt happen. I fell apart in 2005 when treatments failed. Had miscarriage tests the year after and then decided to call it a day when my sister got married (year younger than me). When my sdaughter turned 16 her mother was putting pressure on her to leave us and live with her,which she did leaving dh devastated. Her mother didnt have any rules and let her do whatever she wanted for 6 months. Then gradually she got fed up with her and told my dh she was kicking her out. So after a year where we were finally coming to terms with not having another baby and dealing with all that , she arrived back to live with us. 

The first few months back were tough but when she turned 18 last April she was calming down, had a new boyfreind and had really improved in her exams. 

In Dec my sister (who lives 100 miles away ) asked could i visit her in Jan and i guessed they must have been having fertility issues too. My youngest sister had an ectopic preg in August. I thought that although I wasnt as sad as i had been that i would cope with them getting pregnant. Also in Dec i began to suspect that my stepdaugher was pregnant as i hadnr seen sign of her period (she was supposed to be on the pill). Sure enough the day before new years she told my dh that she was pregnant. (now 11 weeks).

At first i was reasonably calm and resigned to this as i had more or less guessed.We told her that we wanted her to get her A levels so she would have to stay here til then even if she wants to move in with her bf (he is 25).  Dh wants us to wait to tell people until we really have to,although we have told a friend each and a sister.However that was 2 weeks ago and i am becoming more and more sad and also angry. I didnt go back to work until wed (nearly week extra off ) and i now dont think i can cope with her in my home while i watch her get bigger and bigger. Am i being unreasonable?? 

Dh thinks she will leave before then but that he cant kick her out in case something happens (deja vu as we went thru all this 2 years ago). I also finally redecorated the boxroom as it took me 6 years to face it - i do not want it used as a nursery when it is not for my baby!!! Horrible i know but thats how i feel. I vaguely mentionned to my stepdaughter that this was even harder for us on a personal level - am sure she knew we wanted  kids. I cant believe that she was on the track to do well and has messed it all up again - we have to deal with the fall out yet again! She is lazy also and wouldnt even offer to do the dishes or hang up washing. How the hell will she cope ? 

Please help- as usual this is really affecting me and dh's relationship but she doesnt seem to care. i know my dh always feared this happening and was afraid that i wouldnt cope and leave. To be honest it may come to that- at least temporarily. Really i am not brave enough to do that though.

How should i progress? please reply. Especially if you have had similar experiences.

Thanks


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## Camly (Dec 12, 2006)

hi 

i didnt want to read and run but just wanted to send you a massive  

try and not be too hard on yourself.  i can understand where you are coming from with regards to your sd's pregnancy.  wish i could offer more advice.

take care and be kind to yourself. x x x x


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## jenny80 (Apr 8, 2009)

Sending you lots of hugs!!!

You are such a strong person, its a difficult situation and your feelings are totally normally.

For me I find seeing kids ik but its when people are pregnant that hurts thge most and people say you should be happy for them and you are but it also makes you think about your own life and the need to be a mother.

My heart goes out to you and i am hear to listen if you want!!

Jen 

xx


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## Bellini (May 2, 2008)

Hmmm this is a toughie. First of all a huge   to you. 

Coming from a completely different perspective and playing devils advocate to give you a few things to think about... (I don't want to offend or upset you in any way so I hope I don't)...

I know this girl isn't your biological daughter but she still is your "daughter" and you are a mother figure to her for the past 14 years and right now probably needs you and your husband more than ever - especially if relations with her own biological mother aren't great.  She's probably scared to death and worried about the future - even if she hasn't said it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you have 2 choices really. 1, is to stay and enjoy this new addition to your family and embrace the love that this baby will undoubtedly give you (I know my neices give me hours and hours of pleasure just to see their little faces at Christmas and the older one says "Love you aunty Bellini" and kisses me)

or 2. leave your husband and I presume you love him to bits and he loves you back so do you really want that?

From your post I presume you haven't spoken to your stepdaughter about your fertility problems but she is 18 and an adult now - have you considered talking to her about it and your feelings? 

I can imagine it will be tough having a child around the house but even if she does move in with the baby's father she will still be around often as your hubby will be the "Grandad" and you will presumably be "Nan" (even if they don't call you that) and there's going to be christenings and birthdays and Christmasess and honestly can you really see yourself and your husband not being involved in this baby's life pretty much every day?

I really hope you can resolve your issues with your husband and stepdaughter. You sound from your other posts on this forum to be a really lovely person and I really do wish you all the best - whatever you decide.

Love Bellini xxx


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## Bellini (May 2, 2008)

Oh and as an aside bit of background, my brother is 5 years younger than me, SIL has been pregnant 11 times and has 2 children and another on the way (she will have 3 under 3) so every pregnancy she's had has absolutely killed me and then I've had the mix feelings of her m/cs and additionally to that my husband has a child from a previous relationship and his ex has also had another child in the time we've been trying.

So, I kinda of understand where you're coming from although I'm not at the point of moving on from TTCing yet.


Bellini


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Hi IE

Haven't logged in here for a long time due to family issues (2 close family members both with terminal cancer who have since passed away, one quite recently) and other stuff and all the fall out that happens with beravement.

Just wanted to say - from experience of having a s/d of the same age - don't tell her about your struggles. She isn't in the right place to listen to it at the moment, aside from being hormonally challenged with pregnancy, she is also going to be quite self absorbed with everything thats going on with her, so she isn't in the right place to be able to listen or empathise or anything else with you.

I don't necessarily think she has ruined her life... she may have ruined any plans her dad and you had for her, but being pregnant at 18 isn't the end of the world... sorry if this causes offence, its truly not meant to.

I hear you struggling to get your head around everything, not being able to have your own kids but having an emotional bond with your stepdaughter, being a mother to her but always knowing that you were never her birth mother (because thats the way it is when you're a step parent). You have allowed this child into your home and heart and she has upset you on a very deep level by upping and leaving to be with her mother... try not to judge her too harshly for this hon, everyone wants to have a bond with their parents whether or not they have been good to them or not. She must have been feeling really rejected by her mums attitude towards everything then having had to leave to move back in with you guys.

This is going to be incredibly difficult for tyou to deal with but there is a point that Bellini made - you will get to have an active part in this new babys life, and although she is not your own child she is as near as damnit your grandchild...  please before you write off anything to do with this baby in your heart consider that you may have a rich and rewarding relationship with this little one. 

I know it doesn't make up for anything you have been through.
I know it will never take away the pain you have suffered at not having your own child.
I know it won't erase the hurts your stepdaughter has visited on you over the past couple of years.

Talk to your husband, our men are not immune to us completely although they cannot always understand how fragile we feel sometimes. 

Be there for your stepdaughter, whether or not you are her birth mother you have been a mother to her all these years and she will be looking to you for support - use this place as your sounding off board when you need to scream about the unfairness of it all.

Sending you much love, as always - let me know how you get on?

Emcee xxx


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## espoir09 (Dec 16, 2009)

This is probably not a very constructive post, especially as the ones before this one contained lots of good advice.  However, I totally understand how you feel and I'm not sure I would be strong enough to be in the house with a pregnant woman watching her develop that bump.

Whatever you decide to do will take a huge amount of strength which I am sure you will find.  Good luck with everything


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## emcee (Apr 3, 2005)

Its not just any old pregnant woman though, is it? It's the girl she has brought up whom she has been a mother to (despite her own desperation to be a birth parent) since the child was 4 years of age... she welcomed her into her heart and home, always knowing she was never 'mum' because 'mum' was always a weeks visit away. Having been a step-parent myself I have a bit of an insight into how that must have felt.

The very fact that this is her stepdaughter is what changes everything - she can't just cut herself off from this, because her step daughter is her husbands one and only child (which must add extra hurts into the mix). So there are a couple of ways this can go - and I am hoping for IE that things are going to be ok for her as she has really been through the mill with her stepdaughter.

Hang in there IE x


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