# A friend's second baby being born hurts a lot, and she has unknowingly named him the name of our miscarried child. How do I cope with this?



## LornaC (Nov 27, 2019)

Hi all, 
As the post title says, I'm going through a hard time having had the news that a friend has just had her second child. I am just getting to the point where I am starting to accept that we can't ever have another child now (after over 9 years of trying overall, failed Fet, recurrant miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and age issues), and I am so very grateful we have our son (he was born after 4 lost babies and 6 years of trying before we had him). But it still hurts to feel I am in some way inadequate, that everyone else around me has two kids. I feel unable to express this to any of my friends how hard a friend's baby birth might be, it seems to be unacceptable and seen as selfish if you can't 'just be happy' for them. (As I of course am, but it unfortunately still brings up sad feelings and the grief of not having the much wanted second child).

It also is made much for painful that my friend has unknowingly called her child the same as our miscarried daughter. (And third baby lost) We lost her in 2014, and it was very traumatic. I didn't tell many people we had named her as it felt private, and I was worried about people's reactions. I have in the last years worried about how I'd feel if anyone named their child the same as one of our lost babies, but lucikly it hadn't happened until now. Its just so painful to know that I'll be regularly hearing her name, but not being with her, and no one else will know the pain it will cause me to feel. 
I am struggling to feel its OK to feel these feelings. Huge guilt comes with this! As we all just want to be happy for our friends, but also I want to feel I am honouring our daughter's memory too, and so am considering gently mentioning it to my friend. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. But suffering in silence for the foreseeable future also doesn't seem a good option either.
I know it's so hard for others to understand though. 
I hope in time I will be able to accept hearing her name and it not causing me so much sadness too. 
Any advice or similar experince shared would be most appreciated. 
Thanks. X


----------



## missl73 (Mar 12, 2018)

Huge hugs to you this is so so hard. We haven’t yet started IVF for a sibling but I’m scared of feeling all the things you are now and I remember them so well from before we conceived our son. You’re allowed to feel this way, it’s normal after everything you’ve been through. Humans are complex, we can hold lots of conflicting emotions it’s absolutely possible to be happy for them but still insanely jealous and hurt yourself. The name is unfortunate that it will remind you of the daughter you lost, we lost a daughter to miscarriage m too and I am jealous when friends have girls because I may never have that experience and she was so loved although we never got to meet. It’s good you are able to vent in a safe space here, talk about it let it all out without judgement (you won’t find it from me!) allow yourself to grieve, rage, cry whatever you need so you can process it and move on. Do what you need to do for you, if that’s distancing from this friend for a while do it, if you don’t want that then you need to find a way to accept how you feel (not ignore it) but in a way that allows you to move forward xx


----------



## K jade (Aug 11, 2013)

(((Hugs))) I always felt that getting my longed for child which I did through double donation after about 8 yrs trying would put all the infertility feelings to rest.
Your right. Its doesnt.
I always wanted 3 children and don't think ill ever get over not having the size of family I wanted 

Just wanted to say take the pressure off yourself regarding your feelings.
You don't not have to be happy for anyone .
U can smile and nod but let yourself feel what u feel.

I never liked the expression "I'm happy for them but sad for me"
Because rarely is it true.
Sometimes your just sad. Sad that people get their child so easily. Sad that you can't have your longed for child.
Its sucks. And its OK to be honest with yourself 
Take care xx


----------



## LornaC (Nov 27, 2019)

Thanks so much missl73 and K jade. It's so good to find place where people get it. Such a lonely journey the infetility one sometimes. Xxx


----------



## miamiamo (Aug 9, 2015)

I am sorry you are going through this. What about seeking professional help to cope with your pain? Even if you tell your friend, who you will be reacting when you will hear the name somewhere in a street one day? It does not matter whether it takes 6 months or 2 years to cope but it's only you who can do that. Myself I know a few ladies with pain from their childhood that stops them from being happy. You deserve to be happy and your family wants this too.


----------

