# worries/positive stories



## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Please forgive my post as it is pretty much a duplicate of one I posted a few months earlier but here goes again.. I am nearing the end of homestudy with a panel date set for June, all is going well in terms of the actual homestudy.  I have done various things to educate myself about modern adoption ie. books, internet, forums, here lies the problem.  I am getting really really scared about some of the problems adopted children face and therefore I will face too, such as attachment issues, behavioural problems, adhd etc etc. I have been lurking on adoption uk website probably far, far too much but I dont think I am exagerating in saying 9/10 post are about mega issues.  I am not naive in anyway and was well aware some adopted children face these issues but I am beginning to think there is now no way I will get a child WITHOUT them!
I am a resilliant person by nature and confident so why am I so rattled by these post's? I even understand that people without issues dont go on websites to say how great life is they just get on with it, but I'm for want of a better word crappin myself!

I am now going to go and read some adoption stories on here which do my heart good but if anyone can offer me any reassurances that life is not one big battle with problems at every turn then I will be immensely grateful.

Thanks
p.s I am the only one not yet approved feeling this way?


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## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Hi
The main point about Adoption UK to remember is this, it is a support board and the people that post there the most do need the support and do have lots of issues to contend with.  The ones that are getting on with life are generally too busy with life and don't need that level/type of support and so don't post.  There have been instances when people have posted about positive family life but they get shot down by the regulars and made to feel guilty or that they are blind to the issues.  Some of the people will have made the decision to adopt children with big issues, some will have ended up developing over the years for various reasons.
ALL adopted children are going to have struggles at some point, ALL will have experienced trauma, separation and loss, SOME will have experienced neglect and abuse, SOME will have huge risks of mental health issues, behaviour issues etc.  None of us can be sure of what the future will hold, what issues may or may not arise, we all accept an uncertain future but there are no guarantees with birth children either.  Be honest with yourselves and your SW about your matching criteria, be realistic about the type of issues you can deal with and remember support from family and friends will be very important, we were careful in our matching based on what my parents could deal with as well as they are our main support.
I think for most of us on here with adopted children our lives are pretty good, at the moment, though there are times when things are not so easy but parenting any child is not easy.  I say at the moment as we mainly have young children and things might crop up that we currently have no sight of.
Read Adoption UK by all means but please don't think all adoptions are like that.
OT x


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## AJ-Coops (Jun 10, 2006)

Hi Funnychic,

Reading your post I could not reply. As you can see we adopted a boy 4yrs ago & have just adopted our second son, whom has been home with us just over 4 weeks. I won't lie to you, it is blimin hard work & our first was very much straight forward, it was more me FINALLY coming to terms with not having my own biological child....4yrs later & he is VERY much our son & everyone can see our personality & manerisms in him!!! He made us a mummy & daddy!! Our secnod son, things have been alot harder but only due to his age - 2yrs so straight into the terrible 2's - & also finding out that he had no boundaries from the FF whom he had been with for 14 mths. At the moment we have more bad days than good BUT seeing the lovely boy he can be is lovely & this gives me hope for the future of our family. We have absolutely no regrets & we just love being a family. Yes there are always issues of some degree with these children but as long as you are honest with your sw & also with your dh you won't have any regrets either. Stay strong & as long as you & dh have the same views on how to raise a family & with great support from family & friends you will get through anything. I know come the end of the year we will be like any other family with 2 kids & I can't wait!!! It will just be hard getting there . 

Good luck for panel & feel free to pm me. Take care & all the best. 

Coops

Ps. It can't be that bad if we decided to do it the second time.


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## julesF (Apr 7, 2009)

the others are right about adoption UK board, i use to follow it but this one is more positive and realistic
kids come with problems and your sw should be on hand to advise
we're dealing with attachment disorders, motor skills and behaviour, but in 9mnths we have seen significant improvement
the first three months are tough and if you read my other posts you will see the dark dark place o was in
by 6mnths it was normal
and now at 9mnths they are my kids but it has taken time as you unpick their lives and help them work through their baggage
my lifeline was my support network of adoptive parents, and now we play that role for others that our SW refers to us to help them prepare for the emotional rollarcoaster
i have no idea how i got through those first few months, but you learn quick and it is instinctive
best of luck


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Thank you both for the replies.  I think its time to step away from the other site for a while I think it might be doing me more harm than good at the moment and whilst I have learned a lot from it, reading all the negative yet real responses to current issues is scaring me to death.
I am a single adopter so although I do have family support they dont really understand the "adoption issues" even though I try to educate them, they just believe everything will be ok so stop worrying, but when your sat home alone pondering it gets hard.  I have also said I want a pre schooler ideally 2/3yrs so I gets I'll be hit with the terrible two's as well!
I will just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope in my heart everything will be ok.
Thanks again x


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## AJ-Coops (Jun 10, 2006)

Everything will be ok & even though your support network don't really understand, they will still be a tower of strength in many other ways. Also remember the terrible 2's don't last & you will get through it!!! All the best & it WILL work out . 

Coops


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## Jules11 (Jun 21, 2011)

I can totally understand your concerns.  We should have gone to panel in April,  unfortunatley due to the chair being ill we have now been delayed until May  . Trying to use this time positively I have been looking at the Adoption UK website to help us feel more prepared,  particularly as we have a BS and they have a thread for potential adopters with birth children. This has caused me so much anxiety,  there are so few positive posts I have wondered if we are doing the right thing.  Anybody who posts anything positive does appear to be shot down with critisism and ridicule.  I am clinging on to the gut feeling that this really is the right way for us to complete our family.  There must be some positives to the experience   or surely more adoptions would break down.  We are going to keep going and hope that the experiences described here on FF are more representative.


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## MrsYG (Oct 30, 2007)

Funnychic - I agree with the others.  AUK is great for those who need that support, its a place to vent frustrations and seek advice, which is great.  I also spent a lot of time reading it, but found it made me quite apprehensive.  So I stopped!  I KNOW what we MAY face, and we'll deal with it IF it happens!!  There must be tons of positive stories for each of the negative ones, and those people are so blissfully happy they are getting on with their lives!
So, relax!  The fact that you're reading up on this stuff shows what a great Mum you'll be    and you just need to be honest about what you feel you can take on...Good Luck!
Oh yeah... I worried about this stuff prior to approval, and even now we are approved and linked!  But I can hand on heart say that it feels very much like our LO was meant for us    and whatever comes our way... we'll deal with it, because we want to be his Mummy & Daddy.
xx


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## funnychic (Feb 2, 2012)

Mrs YG  Thanks very much for the reply, your so right about AUK but despite me saying I'm going to stop reading the posts I cant seem to drag myself away!!  I'm sure your right and there will be 10 happy families for every1 having a rough time and in my rational mind I know that but I just seem to concentrate on the ones that make me scared.  I really want a family and this really is the only way, so there is no way I will back out but I am worried and I cant say that to the SW as she will have concerns about my application.  I will just hope amongst hope that I am one of the lucky ones and dont have too many issues that I cant handle.  I have been very specific in my matching form and hope that will elimate me from a lot of issues but who knows what the future will hold for our children.

Jules 11 
How awful your have been delayed, the waiting is bad enough at the best of times but to be so near you must have been really dissapointed.
Best of luck and keep us posted xx


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## KJB1978 (Nov 23, 2010)

Hi FunnyChic,

We go to panel in June too and our HS finished a couple of weeks ago and now the meetings and homework have finished my brain has gone into overdrive too about all sorts of things so am guessing it is a normal reaction.

Hope it goes quickly til June for us both!


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