# At the start of the journey - not sure I can do it :(



## aj2000 (Jan 7, 2012)

After having my amazing little boy who is now 3 things have never been right. I have had frequent pain and although endo was mentioned no diagnosis was made. We started trying for no. 2 around the end of 2010. I fell pregnant quite soon - in April. Sadly things just weren't right - more pain. I has a suspected ectopic (nothing visible) which mc'd at 8 wks. I have had one sided soreness since, as well as the existing chronic pain. I has a US a couple of weeks ago which found my right tube is dilated. Now on horrible antibiotics which are not working and waiting to be booked for a lap. 

I feel scared and sad all the time  I am trying to get out and playD with my little boy which helps. But the thought of him being the only one, and of us never having the joy of a new baby again is breaking me. 
The uncertainty is the worse thing I feel tawnted by what might be or what might never be.

I don't know how long we will keep trying, and how many sacrifices we will decide to make. How do you find the strength to keep going? How do you know when enough is enough?

Thanks so much for everyone who posts here - I have only just had the courage to join in but your thoughts are so helpful.


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## DBaby2 (Jul 29, 2010)

Hi AJ,  I know exactly where you are coming from.  I know of ladies who keep going and going and I do not know how they do it.  For me personally its been almost three years trying and I'm exhausted with the stress and upset at times when I'm so tired with it I am not very patient with our 3yr DD which upsets me very much.

My DH has a problem and I'm nearly 40 so things are against us.  We have decided because of the stress of it so far we will give ICSI one go and see what happens.  I've cried myself to sleep more times than I can remember and put our lives on hold for nearly 3yrs and I do not feel I can keep doing that and it is not fair on my DH or DD and indeed its not fair on me either.  We have planned that if it does not work we will go away for a few days together and then start life afresh just the three of us.  I still can't believe I say that but i have to or else I will go crazy.  I have things planned I want to do if this does not work so I have goals in place just in case.  I know of some people who become very bitter and can't face pregnant women including family and friends and I do not want to spend my life being like that (I know its easier said than done) life has to go on or you waste what you have - thats how I'm looking at it.

I hope this helps, someone else who has been through it more may be able to give you more help but as you wrote what I felt I thought I would post.

Best of luck xx


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## aj2000 (Jan 7, 2012)

Thank you so much for your reply DBaby2. I'm sorry you are going through this and I really hope things work out for you. You have said so many of the things that I have been feeling too. I feel that to set a plan with an end point would help to keep me from going mad. For me it's only been a year and a half but I feel unwell all the time which makes it harder to stay positive. My hubby keeps telling me to take one step at a time which I think is good advice also. Next step is to see the gynie again on 2 feb when he said he would book a lap (should have been done years ago but never mind). 

Thanks again for your reply and big hugs


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## Bubblicious (Jul 8, 2010)

It's so hard. I think secondary infertility is far less understood. You don't get much sympathy as "you should be grateful that you already have one" but we all know that this does not lessen our wanting. AJ, your DH's advice to take things a step at a time is very wise; this is the way we got through it, too as looking at the whole picture can be so overwhelming.

Like Dbaby2, we also felt that we were coming to the point when enough was enough after putting our lives on hold for so long and worrying about the impact on DS so we decided on one fresh IVF and one FET [should we have any frozen embryos]. Prior to that, I remember having THE toughest time for about six months when I was a wreck [the ten family/friends' pregnancy announcements certainly didn't help] but somehow when we had decided our plan, I felt a kind of acceptance and emotionally felt much better about the future [with a DC#2 or without].

Anyway, our one shot worked and we also have 2 frosties so we feel very blessed.

Good luck, ladies. Remember you are not alone.


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## littleprincess (Jan 23, 2012)

Hi Ladies,
Hope you don't mind me joining in but in very similar situation and wanted to share. Have been TTC number 2 since May 2009 and have also had added   of 3 m/c in last 15 months. There have certainly been times when I've felt so guilty for letting my own emotions take away from precious time with our daughter who is now 3 1/2.  I feel like so much of her young life has been taken over with me feeling either stressed that I'm not conceiving or breaking down over the m/c.  As we conceived her so easily (2nd month of trying) I just assumed it would be as easy second time round- I certainly wouldn't have believed anyone if they'd told me what I'd go through. I too find it hard to let on how upset I've been as know how fortunate we are to have a happy healthy child already.
We're going to give it one last try- am hoping to get a private referal to Lesley Regan at St. Marys- I feel after everything that I've put myself and those closest through I've got to see this through and know I won't be able to let go properly and move on until we've had everything as thoroughly checked out as possible and given any treatment suggestions/ advice a good go.
Please try to stay positive- (know it's easier said than done) There are so many stories on here of ladies who keep going to persue their dream and having their happy ending- fingers crossed it will happen for us too-
Sending loads of positive vibes....


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## longing4baby (Feb 3, 2012)

HI

This is simular to mine situation. I have two beautiful 6 and 5 yr old daughers. We have been trying now for four years. I went for tests and came back that i had PCO. However got a lap done to be told i was misdiganosed. We have been through failed IUI and are now about to start IVF. Its is very hard and stressfull as everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant and asking are we finished having kids.

The select few that does no that we are having problems all they say is we sould count ourselves lucky to have what we have. Although i do count my blessings I never thought it would be over with 2 Kids.

Hi AJ, I know exactly where you are coming from. I know of ladies who keep going and going and I do not know how they do it. For me personally its been almost three years trying and I'm exhausted with the stress and upset at times when I'm so tired with it I am not very patient with our 3yr DD which upsets me very much.

My DH has a problem and I'm nearly 40 so things are against us. We have decided because of the stress of it so far we will give ICSI one go and see what happens. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I can remember and put our lives on hold for nearly 3yrs and I do not feel I can keep doing that and it is not fair on my DH or DD and indeed its not fair on me either. We have planned that if it does not work we will go away for a few days together and then start life afresh just the three of us. I still can't believe I say that but i have to or else I will go crazy. I have things planned I want to do if this does not work so I have goals in place just in case. I know of some people who become very bitter and can't face pregnant women including family and friends and I do not want to spend my life being like that (I know its easier said than done) life has to go on or you waste what you have - thats how I'm looking at it.

I hope this helps, someone else who has been through it more may be able to give you more help but as you wrote what I felt I thought I would post.

Best of luck xx
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## Debbienick (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi AJ,

So sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate to you too. I admire the women on here who just keep going and sometimes wish I could be as strong as they are. We havent even tried IVF and probably wont because I dont think I am strong enough to handle it if it didnt work. There are some amazing women on here who have had several treatments and still have the courage to keep going. But i guess we are all different...we each have our own limits that we feel able to go to and we shouldnt beat ourselves up or feel like we are not committed enough if our limits are lower, I guess we just need to accept that that is who we are. Only you and your DH can know when enough is enough but I do believe that you (as I) will know when that time comes.

I wish you so much luck for the journey ahead and hope that you get your much wanted 2nd child. I also hope that the docs manage to help you with the awful physical pain you are experiencing at the moment xxx


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