# Wednesday 14th The Truth About Adoption



## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Panorama next Wednesday 14th on ITV, 'The Truth About Adoption' ..

Should be interesting.
X


----------



## swallowtail (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks! x


----------



## KG81 (Oct 21, 2009)

Thanks


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

Thanks DE, that sounds interesting, I'll make a note   
How's you? 
I'm just writing Xmas cards with a glass of red wine  
Luv Anj x


----------



## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

You've  started early (drinking I mean, not writing the cards   ).

My card writing always involve enclosing a note so they take ages  

Nemo has gone to sleep early!  Must take little boy up now too, then wine and cards like you  

Hope the nose is feeling a bit better  
X


----------



## Anjelissa (Jan 11, 2007)

lol  , yeh, we've had a bit of an 'out if routine' day today! 
Nemo went back to sleep after his milk (at 5.50am) until about 9am (unheard of, as you know!!  ). 
He has a bit of a cold though and always sleeps a bit more when he's not well.
He then refused his nap, so we decided to try to get him in bed half an hour early tonight as he was so excited and overtired.
It worked luckily   
J's just brought me a bowl of olives & feta (with a cocktail stick), bless him and a top up of wine  
Nose is healing well thank you   
Love and hugs to wriggle-bum 
Anj x


----------



## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

W has dropped his nap a couple of times too    It must be the age  . On the days he dropped the nap (like nemo he'd woken later so wasn't tired enough), he goes to sleep by 6 or 6.15 so a fantastically long evening for DH and I . He also slept through to 6.30am so that's fine by me  . He really still does need a nap though at the moment  

Glad you're feeling a bit better  
X


----------



## Irishlady (Oct 12, 2007)

Thank you, will be watching 
   
x


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

actually on BBC1....tonight 9pm...


----------



## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

anyone else watching this? I am and it's heartbreaking


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Im watching...

heart breaking is the word indeed.

very close to home....our two are with us, we make court application in January hopefully, now bricking it that birth mum going to contest....


----------



## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Thanks KJ, I thought it was ITV, sorry about that.

Heartbreaking just about sums it up


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

I think they should do a follow-up about this from the prospective Adoptive Parents perspective. Maybe not with the same children if not possible but something about how it is from our end. Still feel that there is this idea painted that once a child is adopted, its all rosy and perfect and happy. They spoke about adoption breaking down but not enough about what parenting an adoted child is like, about attachment, about what its like to be that parent and try to build attachment, how the move affects them etc....a follow-up or second part would be good. Practically in tears watching this one though


----------



## hopefull LM (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi

What a heart breaking program but they do not deserve to have kids women like them don't realise how lucky they are and breed then give them up and so many women on here can't even have one like me at the mo it makes me sick and life is very unfair sorry if you don't like my post but it's true I would give anything to have one kid 

Thanks lee


----------



## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

Yes Iman, they just hinted at a background of 'neglect' .....

The CPR's would no doubt paint the real picture of why the kids were taken into care, but they obviously can't show that   

Hugs all round   
X

Ps.  lee, sadly the majority of children are taken into care for child protection reasons these days, not many are freely 'given up' by Birth Parents


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

oof that was a hard one to watch..a very good doc

sorry Hopeful LM i dont agree with you particularly..esp as neither of the Birth mothers featured 'gave them up'.. I actually felt more sympathy for birth mothers than i ever have done..and i thought i was sympathetic before..watching one couple having the goodbye visit had me in floods..i cant understand how anyone could watch that and not have some empathy for them  

the poor FC applying to adopt the little boy..watching her face fall as she took that call  

just watching the levels of understanding in the children was interesting too

Iman..like they said lots of BP's contest but very few manage to get very far..try not to panic  

just so much to absorb..if anyone didnt see it, then definitely catch it on iplayer..

kj x


----------



## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

I just caught the last 20 mins of it and was in floods of tears. To all you amazingly brave ladies going through adoption I  wish you all the luck in the world. I really hope the adoption process in this country becomes easier for all concerned xxxxx


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

i agree, the poor FC who took the call about the adjournment, ooooh     poor lady, hope she is ok. Really felt for her.

Lee, I see what you are saying but many birth mums just dont get it - I mean they dont 'get' parenting, they don't understand what they did wrong or how it went wrong, sometimes its not their fault, sometimes it is and the vast majority have the heartbreak of having their children taken from them, despite their wishes to keep them. They then have to live with that loss for the rest of their lives. Life can seem unfair sometimes, its all very complicated why some of us are dealt one card and other's are dealt another. Sorry you feel this way. I think the programme was upsetting whatver perspective you are watching from. Dealing with the subject of adoption and Looked After Children is never easy


----------



## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Tough watching. We go to court early in the New Year and we’re just hoping for no opposition (and now for no ‘protocol’ issues from SW!).

I felt for the first set of birth parents shown, very upsetting. The other though who has kept her little boy in limbo for 5 years I couldn’t feel any pity for, only dislike. They weren’t hopeful or encouraged following court, they were gloating because they think they’ve prevented the foster carers from adopting (and that little boy is absolutely desperate to stay with his foster carers). The other thing that is infuriating is that some of these SW are clearly ruling couples out at the matching stage for the most ridiculous of reasons (not having a dog).  

Overall, is the process child centred? Not at all. 
The law is a very bad joke.


----------



## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

Although we have not adopted (yet) its always been a topic of conversion between myself & my husband. It's something we are very open too & should we want to complete our family we feel we would do it through adoption not more tx.

We have friends who adopted a beautiful boy & seeing their child so unbelievably happy only confirms our thoughts on adoption.

Having said that after watching tonights programme I am very concerned by what looks like a harsh, unfair system. The particular story involving the young boy conner really upset me. That poor boy could be dragged away from his home & family after 5 years! To think that a court of law might allow this to happen sickens me. I felt incredible empathy for conners adoptive mum, how totally unjust & angry she must be feeling. i agree with you Daizy, the birth mother almost seemed to gloat at the fact she might get her son back. I bet its not crossed her mind to think abouts what best for her son or to imagine how upsetting it would be for him to leave the only family he has ever known! And if he was to placed back with his birth mum, what would his future hold? I mean, you only have to look at the women to see that he will be worse off with her. Seems harsh but in my opinion true...

It gave myself & my husband a true insight into adoption, I always knew it would be a hard process but not that hard. None of this is helped by the fact that our local area is ranked in the top 3 worst areas of Britain to try & adopt in! Apparently my area has that much red tape wrapped around everything that for many couples they don't stand a chance!

Breaks my heart that we have such a shoddy system & that kids end up spending a lifetime in care rather than in a secure family unit 

Despite all this, I would still try! My only hope is that major improvements are made within the system.

I think your all wonderful women/couples to have ploughed through what must have been a grueling process. I pray none of you have to go through what conner family is going through, and that you have your child/children with you forever!


----------



## minmouse (Nov 15, 2009)

Oh my goodness, I've only just absorbed the program. Tears the whole way through. Such a lot of emotions; sympathy for some of the  BPs, absolute respect for the amazing FCs preparing their LOs for adoption, more respect for SWs, what a job, I'm not sure I could do it. But agree slightly concerning assessment of potential matches? Bbut most of all heartbreaking watching those little loves so desperate for a new mummy and daddy. I want them All!

I couldn't help agreeing with one foster carer view, is it possible the children are told a little too much? Its clearly healthy tTo help them understand their past via their life stories but some of the info seems such a lot for them to take on board at such a young age. Watching that little boy listen to his life story and see his little face try to take it all in. Heart ached for him.  I hope all featured have gone on to happy homes. I hope we get more docs like this. So interesting.
X


----------



## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

So sad. Was in tears the whole way through. My heart broke for that little boy as he spoke about his moves. So very sad. And for the adoption to break down after 3 years. So so sad.


----------



## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

I must admit that sadly the show confirmed all of my worst fears about adoption. Perhaps it was editing but a lot of time seemed to spent on pitying the birth "parents" , oh how hard it is on them whereas the truth is it's their inadequacies that landed them in this situation. I felt is was very cruel constantly dragging the three kiddies back to their "tummy mummy" who clearly was inadequate on every level. I don't feel I'd want to be dragged into the sordid little lives of some of these hideous people, I know bringing up a child isn't all about money but the fact is we'd be taking children into a totally different world of private schools and ponies. (sure that sounds hideously middle class but I've worked hard to be able to bring that to any child unlike their so called "tummy mummies" a phrase that makes me want to throw up.  I thought the programme would make me feel the need to fully pursue adoption but it's had the opposite effect, I imagine it has had the same impact on many more like me. It's very sad that children who could have been taken in by someone like me, loved , protected and have everything a child could dream of will now be left in care, dragged back and held back by the hideous women who gave birth to them but are incapable of parenting. I agree with lee, it's truly sickening.

Have no doubt I will get the usual oh well you aren't the sort of person who should adopt replies etc but that is my view. Feel very sad today, sad that another avenue is closed off.


----------



## Lexi2011 (Apr 25, 2011)

Maisyz you are totally entitled to your opinion about a tv programme, that's what ff is about. Don't feel you can't voice your views and get support. All I would say is there are lots of hugely positive adoption cases so don't let a 1 hour tv programme change your next stage on this journey! I whole heartedly believe that one day I'll get my family in some shape or form and will go through whatever it takes to get there. Lots of love x


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

I wonder if the people posting who are not adopters could show some respect for the adopters on here..referring to a Birth Mother as 'hideous' is actually quite offensive..when you adopt you accept the childrens past and most of us on here actually have met our childrens BM and probably found that whilst we dont have a lot in common with them that they are real people who through no fault of their own have ended up in a very unenviable position. the fact is we have to accept them as part of our life and our childrens life, however much we dislike the circumstances..if it werent for Birth Mothers none of us on here would have had the wonderful experience of becoming mothers ourselves
so less of the BM bashing please  
kj x


----------



## hopefull LM (Jun 6, 2011)

hi

i do feel sorry for some of the birth mums and yes like you say if it wasnt for them some people on here would not be a family. but some dont help them selfs if you have had 3 kids taken into care why go on to have more its not fair on the kids. i think i get angry as some people would give anything to have a baby and cant on here some bith mums cant help it but some can and that is what upsets me 

dont mean to upset people just saying how i feel. 

lee x


----------



## keemjay (Jan 19, 2004)

there are many instances of BM's having children taken away but then keeping subsequent children, as shown in the case of Coners mum..thats why they continue having them.. they hope, and that hope is often futile, that one day they will get to keep their baby. That, and the fact that many of them have no clue about contraceptives and how to use them effectively


----------



## peacelily (Feb 24, 2006)

I recorded the programme so will hopefully watch tonight


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

" the fact is we have to accept them as part of our life and our childrens life, however much we dislike the circumstances. "

So true Keemjay.

And of course live with the fact that 'your' child is not actually ever just your child, but theirs too. As difficult as this is, its imperative for the sake of the child that a unduely negative (but has to be realistic) picture is not painted of birth parents. Srong bad feeling doesnt help anyone in this situation. Like you said, we just have to accept. These BMs are where our children came from, even if we don't like that, we have to accept it  - Im sure none of us with adoptive children with us, would change them for a second.


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

Maisy

I understand your feeling but I would say dont base your whole decision about adoption on 1 programme. However, don't feel you have to like the adoption process and all it entails. If you dont want to do it, then don't do it. Its not for everyone and there is really nothing wrong with admitting that, it doesnt make you a bad person.  Its much better to admit that now, then down the road once children are involved. Think about it, but if you really feel that you don't want to get involved in some of the things in the programme (it was just 1 programme, but in my opinion I have to sat it was quite realistic and typical of most children's backgrounds, certainly for my own) then that's ok.  Adoption is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. Perhaps there are other things in store for you, don't give up hope.  But if this isn't for you, then its not for you.


----------



## lollipops (Oct 17, 2009)

It's obviously a very personal opinion, and those of you have become adoptive parents will of course have a clearer insight.  I just find it very alarming how many children are stuck in the system & how few couples are given the green light to adopt. I know 2 couples who have been declined to adopt due to periods of depression over the past 10 years. Both their depression is managed well & is stemmed from failed fertility treatments over the years. Yet the door to adoption has been shut on them both. I myself have suffered with depression due to fertility reasons, although im not on medication I have had councilling in the past, it has always concerned me how this would be viewed.

The government are apparently trying to smooth out the adoption system & quicken the whole process. I really hope they do as i think this country is in a complete mess compared to others, i can now understand why people adopt from abroad.

I have friends who went through the adoption process, I know the grief & stress it caused them but now they have their son they are probably the happiest couple i know! Having said that they have had major problems with the BM, she has caused so many hurdles & in their words is a totally unfit mother.  Their son is now older and has made his own choice to not have any more contact with his BM, social workers have respected his choice. His mum & dad are pleased about this. I like the fact that his parents aren't all politically correct about everything, they see their son as THEIRS. They say his birth mum gave up her title a being a Mother along time ago. 

You have to appreciate that couples who have adopted and people wanting to adopt will view the whole process differently. Whilst some couples are content with BM involvement, others aren't. I suppose a lot depends on the childs background & reasons for going into care.

I know I'm an outsider to adoption but if this current tx hadn't have worked we would have been travelling down this rickety road now. If all goes well for us over the next months then we will try to adopt a sibling rather than do anymore awful treatment. I love to keep myself in the loop of adoption because at some point we will be trying to tackle it. 

The adoption boards on here have offered me great insight, any books , tv programmes & personal stories give myself & my husband some much needed information & facts.

I think its important to value everyones opinions on adoption, whether they have been through it themselves or contemplating it. I see the whole system from all points of view but my overall thoughts is that the system has major flaws that make an already difficult process near on impossible for some couples. This is the saddest fact of it all.


----------



## Daizy (Feb 25, 2011)

Iman said:


> And of course live with the fact that 'your' child is not actually ever just your child, but theirs too.


Certainly for me, in the interests of claiming and entitlement (both of which are vital for attachment), you don't have to 'accept' the birth parents as part of your life. And your adopted child certainly doesn't! I agree wholeheartedly that you must be careful around the issue of explaining birth parents to your young child, they must never feel to blame and sometimes that will mean being liberal with the truth, however that child has no obligation to it's birth parents. 
My daughter was never in the care of her birth family, so maybe that's why my outlook is different, but I'm not in the "let's not have a bad word said about birth parents" camp (because some birth parents ARE truly awful). What I am wary of is people suggesting my daughter is somehow 'tainted' because she came from 'bad stock'. I'm not worried about people showing ME (as an adopter) respect, it would rankle me though if someone attempted to disrespect my child 
The producer of the panorama programme wrote quite an interesting article, he ended it saying _'political correctness and undue respect for birth parents' rights simply cannot be allowed to destroy the lives of so many children - in whose name all this is being done'_ and I have to say I agree.


----------



## Old Timer (Jan 23, 2005)

Not much to add other than the following:-
Adoption is HARD - it is not an easy alternative to IVF, in many ways it is harder, in some ways easier but at the end of it there are real children entering loving homes and making wonderful families.  No child is easy to parent, they all have their moments, but parenting adopted children is not the same as parenting a birth child.  Our children have experienced more loss and hurt in very short life times than most people will experience well into adulthood and some will never experience that amount of hurt.
The programme did show the 'truth' in the terms of those cases but no one is interested in showing the 'truth' about all the adoptions that are successful.  Don't make a decision on whether to look into adoption based on that programme (or any other).  You only have to read the stories on here to see there are many many happy families created this way.
Birth Parents will never be far away so its something you have to accept and get over.  Our children will ALWAYS have 2 Mummies and 2 Daddies, denying that will only cause trouble in the long run.  It has been proven that being open and honest about adoption sustains adoptive family relationships, children grow up and are often curious as to who these people really are but wouldn't you be?  Its their right to be able to know and even meet these people later in life if thats what they chose and you have to be able to support them in that, you risk lossing a hell of a lot if you don't.  I write to my childrens BPs each year, not because I want to but because it is in the best interest of my children.  If they decide when old enough that they don't want to write or don't want me to then I will stop but until then I will do everything to keep the lines of communication open, there may be a time when I really need them to help with information or heaven forbide a very sick child.
The process up to approval I think is very fair, the times you get caught out is if you aren't honest.  Mental health issues are a worry, as is being obese and having various medical conditions that could put you at risk of dying early.  The children we adopt have been through far too much already and they need parents who are going to be there for them 150%.  Depression over fertility issues can raise its head again and again when you have a child placed and throughout their childhood so each case needs to be looked at carefully and an early medical if necessary.  The extent of the depression needs taking into account.  At the end of the day SS are looking for families for vulnerable children NOT looking for children for childless couples - HUGE difference.
I have 2 fantastic children who I love to bits, would do anything for and have fought for already in the short time (3.5 years) since my DS came home.  Adoption has made it possible for us to have a family and I will be forever grateful for my children and as a result of that I am grateful to their BMs and also so sad for then that they couldn't parent these fab children and see them grow.
OT x


----------



## sammij (Nov 9, 2005)

Hey all

Old timer - i think you have summed it up perfectly for me.

I recorded the programme but have decided i won't watch it - there will always be good docus / negative docus / positive articles / negative articles surrounding adoption  - you have to take one day at a time and live through it yourself.

Sam


----------



## Dame Edna (May 17, 2007)

KJ, I am with you   . 

Unfortunately the programme left much unsaid due to reasons of confidentiality no doubt, however non adopters who are joining this discussion need to bear in mind the following ....

Birth families often have backgrounds of learning disabilities, they may have experienced sickening childhoods themselves, which sadly may have led them to drug addictions, violence etc etc.  They therefore often find themselves in 'hideous' circumstances, that does not make them 'hideous' as people.

Just one more point   ..... MY child has a birth mother but he will only ever have one 'Mummy' and that's me.


----------



## AJ-Coops (Jun 10, 2006)

Like many on here, I watched the programme through tears!!  I would like to say that I have very positive feelings about adoption and have successfully adopted a gorgeous little boy over 3yrs ago and have just been approved to adopt again.  I too had strong feelings of guilt towards the BM, as most of the time it is through circumstances that they have had their children taken away.  I am just so grateful that we are able to provide a stable and loving home for our DS and for the second.  It is a very hard road to go down,  but if you are determined to have a family then you will see it through and whilst going through the hard and intrusive process you get a better understanding of the reasons why so many children are in the care system and you accept that the children have had a life before you come along and you can never erase that, but be open and honest with them as time goes by.  There are no winners or losers, just families being broken and made - sad for alot of people - just happy to be a family and respect his background.  For us it has hugely been worth it and cant wait for our second, whenever that will happen    Good luck to all those going through the process - stick with it and your dreams of being a mummy & daddy WILL one day happen


----------



## Littlecat (Aug 5, 2011)

I've been reading this board because I'm seriously thinking of adopting - and watched the programme last night for the same reasons. I felt very sorry for the birth parents - however hard it is not to be able to have children naturally, I came to the conclusion that being able to have kids but knowing you would never be allowed to keep them and not understanding why - and in the case of the mother of the three older children, seeing that they were going through horrible experiences because you couldn't keep them - was worse. 

Anyway, although I haven't adopted, I think it's vitally important not to demonise the birth parents. Growing up, my dad (for reasons of mental health) was a very unsuitable parent - had he been our sole parent, we would almost certainly have ended up in care. Yet, he was my dad and I loved him - and despite massive flaws, he had positive features and we had good times that I remembered. I felt hugely responsible for him and was very angry if anyone criticised him. My mum learnt to couch it in terms of, your dad loves you but he isn't... / I have to say no to... etc. So, I can see for an adoptive child to have a parent who felt antagonistic towards their birth family would be very upsetting. I would think they need to feel it's not a competition and they can love both.

While it wasn't really the theme of the programme, both DH and I came away questioning whether we could adopt and if we could, whether we would pull back on who we would consider - rather than two under 5, one under 3 - because to us it emphasised how difficult parenting adopted children is and how damaging adoption breakdowns are.


----------



## Iman (Oct 11, 2007)

wow some wise words from everyone, enjoying reading this thread and everyone's perspectives, some really valuable points being made.


----------



## michelle.v (Nov 14, 2007)

Hi Everyone

It certainly evoked some strong emotions in all of us!!  Very good programme and feel that it showed things from all perspectives.  It was very upsetting watching the parents saying goodbye to their two little ones, if I was in that postition I think I would run with them and never come back!  I know we were not told the full story and we there obviously is a strong reason for them being taken into care.  It is still heartbreaking to watch.

To see Connors mum, who has since been allowed to keep her second child - it makes me wonder what type of crazy system is in place??  How can you deem a woman unfit to look after a child and take the child from birth only to allow the second child to stay?  Surely that is mixed messages for the mother?  I do feel for the foster parents and the family who are seriously attached to him now, and for the social worker to tell him that he would be staying with them forever    what happens in March now when it goes back to court and possibly he will be placed back with this birth mum?  

Totally SHOCKING    

Those 3 little ones whos adoption failed after 3 years of living with them, they are damaged forever by that, and now the SW recommend that they are split up       the older boy seemed so devestated just wanted to take them all home with me   

I do agree that it is a difficult process all round but the overall thought I have of the programme is that the whole system is totally wrong and needs to be scrapped and started from scratch!  Everyone, from start to finish is being effected and traumatised from the birth parents to the foster carers, the adopters, SW and most importantly the children.  

I wish you all good luck, it seems that patience is what you will need and lots of it!!

Michellexxx


----------



## oliver222 (Oct 8, 2009)

Although it did highlight problems in adoption it did not put me off starting the process in anyway. I do feel for the birth parents as often they have come from a poor background themselves. It would be easy for me to condemn them but then I have come from a good loving family who supported me through uni while I gained an education etc and have continued supporting me through life. I work for the police and you can see the patterns continuing. Problem families down through generations. Drug and alcohol abuse and violence is a way of life for many families and there children if kept in the enviroment more often than not face the same life when they reach adulthood. I often think how can these people live their life like that in such chaos with police at their door every other day but to them that is their normality. I just think what a sad way to live your life. 
Not every case is same but I dont think birth parents are monsters but often just adults who are poorly equipped to live a normal life. Poor education, substance abuse, violent relationships and mental health issues with a poor support network. 
If we are fortunate enough to adopt I hope that I will break the cycle for a child and do my upmost to give them the best life that they can have despite a poor start.


----------



## cindyp (Apr 7, 2003)

I found the title very misleading.  I don't believe it was fair to call if "The Truth about Adoption".  It may have been fairer to have called it "The Truth about The Adoption Process".  

It did show that sometimes the SW's are too picky in the matching process, that Court dates can get drawn out and delayed, I felt so sorry for the FC who was trying to adopt Connor.  It did show that just because children are taken into care there is no guarantee they would be placed with an adoptive family even if they had lived with family all their life.  It showed that BP's can contest even at such a late stage.

BP's require some sympathy, as I know from meeting my son's BM, as some of the choices they make have arisen from their own poor childhood experiences.  However I do feel, as I believe the head of Barnado's also stated, that a line should be drawn quickly once a child is taken into care.  BP's should be given the chance to turn their life around and get their children back, and be supported to do so.  However I do not think it can be in a child's best interests that they should be able to come back after years and say "I am a reformed character, take away my child from the only family they have known and give them back to me a virtual stranger".  I was lucky as when I adopted DS they were still issuing freeing orders, therefore when I adopted him the Court had already turned down BM's application to get him back and deemed him completely free to be adopted whenever they found the right family.

What made me angry about the programme was some of the statements made that could be taken completely out of context:-

1.  The Reviewing Officer stating "I don't know how they (the adoptive parents) could give them up after three years". This makes it sounds like adoptive parents can just choose to give up children willy nilly like puppies bought at Xmas.  The children came across on TV as bright and engaging and really nice.  However the fact that the experienced FC's said that they felt the children were hard to manage together and needed to be placed separately indicated that there were probable emotional/behavioural problems that made the children very hard to live with.  The fact that the adoptive parents stuck it out for three years indicates to me that they very much wanted to be their parents but possibly felt that they could not provide them with what they needed.  One would have to wonder at what support the adoptive parents were receiving.

2.  The way postbox was shown, the BM saying in a sulky voice "the SW's will read the letter and probably moan about what's in it".  There was no explanation about why postbox letters need to be vetted so as to make sure they do not have an adverse impact on the children.  It was also not mentioned that letters going to the BP's are also vetted so it is not a case of picking on BP's.

3.  The bald fact that it costs £150 a day to keep a child in foster care.  No explanation was given for how that figure was calculated and there will be people in the general public who will believe that most of it goes to the Foster Carers which is unfortunately not the case.

4.  The way in that they stated that the couple being considered for the girls might turn them down because they had turned down other potential matches.  It made them sound like they were being picky rather than they were being sensible to consider that the children they had to join their family forever were the children that would be best for them and they would be right for too.

5.  The SW's wittering on about the unsuitability of adopters because of pets.  I mean, come on, I could rationalise the query about who would get the children ready in the morning.  There may have been sexual abuse involved which would mean that the children wouldn't handle a man getting them dressed.  However I think there is more to being a good parent than what pet you have or don't have!!

Anyway rant over, it was an interesting programme but I personally found it a bit disappointing and misleading.


----------



## GERTIE179 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Girls,

Like a lot of folks I watched this through tears - my heart went out to that little boy and his sisters where the adoption home of 3 years had broken down and he didnt know why he was back in a temp home. The kids appeared lovely, but the SW and current FC's said they were a handful - although it sounds like they had a lot of early upheaval too.

We are close to approval and i felt the programme was very realistic and quite balanced (obviously a lot omitted due to confidentiality). I really felt for the BMs. That didnt mean I agreed with them contesting to attempt to get the kids back but fully felt if i could relate in some small way. As others have said some are in the situations due to no fault of their own circumstances and upbringing - others not so. And in response as to why Connor's mum got to keep her additional child - one word support structure - from this programme she seemed to have some of that. Most of these BF's (esp BM's) have no support whatsoever and we would all find life tougher without that let alone having learning difficulties or experiencing abuse/neglect. It takes a strong resilience and some support to get yourself out of that scenario before being strong enough emotionally to raise a child.

Believe me - I am not all on BF's side, just felt that the programme put a face behind these issues and provided an insight into why we have this issue in our country and why it may not get better.

One thing that really infuriated me though was the SW now sharing pictures etc of the little siblings where the adoptive home broke down. I felt as though SWs were getting that BM's hopes up and re-introducing the children. The belonging and wanting to loved by a mum was all over the little boy's face and i fear that he/they may struggle more now to find a new adoptive family that they would attach with.

Daisy - you summed up my thoughts perfectly when you said
The producer of the panorama programme wrote quite an interesting article, he ended it saying _'political correctness and undue respect for birth parents' rights simply cannot be allowed to destroy the lives of so many children - in whose name all this is being done'_ and I have to say I agree.

If nothing else, the contest option should be restricted in timeframe or made a little more stricter criteria to prevent more disruption on little ones lives and certainly not when a little is in their new forever home. My heart went out to the FC who was adopting Connor. Im sure they were on a previous program when Connor was getting ready to be placed in his 1st adoptive family.

Its certainly not put me off and if anything reconfirmed a lot of my feelings about why we are adopting.

Love to you all
Gertie xox


----------



## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

we had v+ it and just watched it this morning. I sobbed my way through it. I do feel sad for the birth parents but I do think it is best for the children not to be with them. xxx


----------



## EmmaWaitsPatiently (Dec 4, 2010)

Hi everyone,

Thanks for this post. I've found it really interesting and will be watching the programme on i-Player tonight. I am just at the point where we are starting to consider adoption at some point in the future. We've had a mc and a BFN this year so definately taking at least a year out first.

I'm worried about the selection process: in some of your posts you've mentioned depression as something that's prevented people from being approved. both me and my DH have suffered depression and received treatment for it: mine was a few years ago after some reoccurence of being sexually abused as a child. I was on anti-depressants and in counselling for six months. I feel that it was an appropriate way to deal with a horendous issue and I haven't suffered as a result of this experience for over five years. My DH has been on anti-depressants for the last 12 months as he is struggling to come to terms with infertility.

Like I said, we need a good long break. I would want DH to have been off anti depressants for at least 12 months before we even start looking into the process. I don't think it's fair to even consider bringing a child with difficulties into a home with potentially emotionally unstable parents. However, I am concerned that, because of the ****ty hand we've been dealt in life, we might have the door to adoption closed to us forever?? If anyone has some experience in this area I'd be happy to be reassured.

p.s. this is such an emotionally sensitive area. Big hugs and love to everyone who is affected. If you feel angry, get angry...this is the place to get it out xxx


----------

