# My story



## Taffyg (Sep 10, 2010)

Hi all, my name is Gill and I have been reading theses forums for a while but have only just plucked up the courage to actually write down my story and join in.  I guess up until now I have been trying to hope and believe that I actually wouldn’t be at the point in my journey were I have to really start accepting the fact that we wont have children.

In the last 5 years we have had 2 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies which resulted in the loss of both of my tubes.  This totally threw me into depression, I struggled with the fact that I had to agree to having the operation both times, even though my rational mind knows that neither of the babies would have survived, in my heart it still feels like I made the choice to have them removed, to this day I struggle with that.  I finally felt strong enough to come off the anti depressents and try IVF, we have now had 2 goes both with a negative result, I am a poor responder and don’t produce many eggs, the first time only 3, though we had 2 that were put back, neither of them stuck, the second time we had 4, 2 good quality and still nothing. I don’t know why but on the second try I had it in my head that it would work so since it didn’t I have been struggling.  We still have enough money for a third and final try which we are going to do next year but in my heart I don’t think it will work, I just cant quite give up, I don’t know how I will cope if I do which is why we are waiting until next year, I cant deal with knowing its the end yet.  

How do we deal with this? I am at a complete and utter loss.  I don’t feel like a woman any more, I feel a complete and utter failure.  I have no interest in anything anymore, I hated  my job and gave it up for a less stressful one  to concentrate on the IVF.  I don’t want to see family or friends anymore as they don’t understand what I am going through at all and mostly think that it has been 5 years that this has been going on for and I should pull myself together, or they have children and it hurts too much.  I have no sex drive which is pushing my husband away, though he tries to understand, he just doesn’t seem to and he certainly doesnt talk about his feelings.  I put on a face most of the time when i go out and people think I am fine, but inside I just feel like I am falling apart.  I know I have to accept the fact that my life is going to be without children, and in some ways I know I am very lucky as I do have a wonderful Husband who has stuck with me throughout all of this, so why cant I find any other purpose in life? Why do I just think what is the point if I cant have children? Arhhh I feel like I am going mad. 

Well that is my rather rambling story, thanks for reading

xxxxx


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## Scouse (Aug 9, 2007)

taffyg I'm so sorry you are suffering so much at moment........i wish I could give you a big hug but will send a cyber one instead   
I'm in a bit of a rush today (waiting for bro & family to arrive which I'm dreading.  He's not very nice to me at best of times espec about my weight. After last failed tx and ohss I've put so much more weight on, I'm bound to be the butt of his 'humour') but wanted to say you are NOT on your own even if you feel alone.
There are so many of us feeling exactly the same or very similar, so use us any way you can.
Since i was signed off work, i've been keeping a journal.  Everything that I feel i write down...........i know it sounds a bit laborious but it is theraputic.
Let me know if i can do anything.  Try to keep your chin up and 'talk' to your other half!
Got to run but i'll be back! X


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## Zaineb (Nov 21, 2008)

Hi Gill 

I am also not an active member on this forum ,and like you I read more than I write. However, I just want to say you are not alone ... I am currently struggling myself to move on, from my signature you can see that me and my husband have been trying for about 10 years and this year we have decided to give it one more last go.

Same like you I felt we will be lucky and this time it will work. However the Dr didn't give us much hope and left it completely to us if we want to proceed for TESE. Me and my DH have not taken the final decision yet as to proceed or not and without having to take you through all the painful details I just want to explain since there is a very poor chance to retrieve any sperms from my husband .......  I have taken the decision I don't want to put DH in another horrible experience if there is very little chance. Hence it has been a really difficult week specially I got the results from the Dr while DH is on a business trip.

I never felt lonely in my life the way I feel now , and I don't think I will ever be healed , but I am hoping that I will come to terms with my loss and i am grateful there is this formum to be able to feel I am not totally alone.

I just wanted to tell you , you are not really alone ....and that I think me, you and all the girls in our position will find a way to move on

love 
Zaineb


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## Debs (Mar 22, 2002)

Big hugs girls   

Understanding and accepting that our lives wont be the way we want them to be is such a difficult thing to do    For me I plod along and try to have other interests however its still there gnawing away at me - I think I have finally accepted it - but as for understanding well thats a different ball game altogether.

All I can say to you is to take one day at a time - we only have one life and we have to make the most of what we have - I certainly do count my blessings but its not easy I know.  If you have the opportunity for counselling then Id really suggest that - it might leave you in tears to begin with but its good to "get it out"

For us on this board - we are not alone - sadly there are too many of us on here   and I wish with all my heart that none of us were - but we are all here together and will hold each others hand along the way.

Sending love and strength to you all.

Love

Debs xxx


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