# 'Not so' supportive husband & dealing with IVF



## bnice

Hi, this is the first time ive spoken about this personal issue. 
i'm in the middle of my 2ww in my 4th and last cycle, my last frozen embryos were implanted a few days ago. 

My husband and i have always had a very very good relationship and are good friends too. the last 2 years since we started the ivf stuff we've had some strained times. Basically having children was never really a huge topic or immidiate priority before , but when i turned 35 i started to think about it. We decided to stop using contraception and just to let nature take its course. After a year nature didnt do anything & i decided just to get it checked out just to know if all's ok. Found: husband has abnormal sperm & i had low amh also. So, dr advised we start IVF straight away. 
It was all much more rushed than either of us had planned, but it was made clear by drs that in our case we'd left it late already, and we'd need to do something about it asap if we'd want a chance at having children..

We proceeded and i had 3 failed IVFs, which was difficult because i had to do 2 basically by myself in London while my husband worked abroad 90% of the time. After my 3rd ivf my husband had a freak out about it all and told me he doesnt think he really wants children. i was stunned as we'd had so many conversations about it over the months, because i was nervous that this might be the case since he's never been very interested in anyones babies etc. So I had asked him time and time again over the previous months if he's sure and he convinced me that he was. So i was very shocked when he said this after i'd gone through 3 IVF's. 
Anyway, over the last 3 months since that, we have spoken so much and are now closer than ever again & we both realised that the most important thing is that we're together. (I have to make clear that he is a very nice gentle and kind person & would never do this to hurt me. And i dont judge him for not wanting children. i feel it is a very personal decision, and some people think one way and others differently.)

But we had the question of our 4 frozen embryos left... He came to me one day and said he thought about it and if i want to we can use them and that will be our last try. i felt SO happy and grateful that he'd thought about it because i knew he was just doing it out of love for me. I know if i were to have a child he would be a fantastic father so i am not hesitant about that at all. 
So here w are today..
I have 6days to wait till pregnancy test, but now in the last few days, im feeling increasingly worried about how to cope with it if i find out this last chance of mine is also not successful. For once i feel i cant deal with this together with my husband, because i cant help feeling that he might be secretly relieved that it didnt work. I feel very alone in this. 

When i read the blogs everyone always seems to speak about how supportive their husband was and it seems like all husband's want it as much as the wives do .. & whilst its plain knowledge that most men arent as baby-mad as women, this is never mentioned..
So wondering if im alone in this situation or has anyone else had a "not so supportive" husband through all this..?

Thanks.


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## staceysm

Hi bnice,

You are certainly not alone.  I wouldn't say my DH was unsupportive, but I would say that he made it clear that he wasn't bothered if the IVF worked or not first time or this time around.

My DH was nearly 40 yrs old when we had our first cycle and I think that he enjoyed the life we had.  He certainly didn't think that anything was missing.  We both worked, had nice holidays and days out and weekends away.  I am a stay at home Mum now and money is tight.

My DH is similar to yours to, very kind and a good man.  Of course my DH loves our son to bits and would love any other child if this cycle works.

I do think though that most men are different to us.

I reall hope that this cycle works for you both.

Stacey
X


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## bnice

Thank you for that Stacey. When you said 'your husband certainly didnt think something was missing', that basically puts it into one sentence how my husband feels about things.  
He is in such a good place in his life now & doesnt want something to change that, he's finally doing something he loves career wise, we get to travel alot & have all those freedoms you have when its just 2 of you. IF we were to get pregnant he'd have to cut down on his work travel/moving because we move around constantly for his work at the moment & thats quite a big thing for him. 
He just says he cant see the benefit of giving up so much for a child who'll despise you at teenager age anyway. Which, when you rationalise it makes some sense, BUT unfortunately it isnt the same rational decision for women so i dont have a rational comeback to that ..All i usually come up with is: But i just reeeally want one anyway! (..which to his male scientific brain makes no sense at all). 

Despite his attitude(problem) I am not worried at all about how he'd be if we would happen to get pregnant. We've been together 10years and I remember also having to nag and nag SO much for getting a little dog & now 6 years on he still dotes on it like its the cutest dog in the world. On my good days I think: some men love babies, some just take a little longer, and some need to have their baby shoved in their face before they understand that love for it ..and i definitely have the latter!

My worry at the moment is if it doesnt work, how i would cope on my own with the pain of my final chance not working, because i know he wont be able to share that with me.. And its strange, i do feel a bit ashamed that my husband thinks like this, compared to the other girls on here with supportive husbands & i cant help in my 'off days' feeling a slight tinge of rejection that my husband doesnt want to jump at the opportunity to have children with me ..always imagined that as part of the 'And they lived happily eve after' bit.

Anyway will wait and see when the test comes.


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## Nordickat

My DH sounds very similar to yours. He isn't unsupportive as such but on our last cycle I was torn between wanting a BFP so desperately, but other moments thinking  a bfn would be better as DH decided fatherhood is not for him. Like yours, my DH has all he wants ans actually a baby would change all that. He was as keen as me many years ago but i think just lost hope and moved on before me and simple souls that they are, now he has planned his childless future and can't quite cope with the thought of a child messing up his plans. One thing I can maybe reassure you with is that you won't be grieving on your own. Your DH maybe has decided he would be happy childless but that is only on the condition that you are happy. He will be just as upset as you but maybe for different reasons. Your pain will be what hurts him most while your BFN hurts you. He will be by your side though and he will support you and understand your grief. They just want us to be happy and for that reason you'll not be suffering alone in your sadness.

My DH has moved on already and I am still very much consumed by my grief for motherhood and even though he is no doubt secretly relieved is still my rock and still there to help me find my happiness.

I hope that in some way helps to reassure you. And you are not the only one to do tx alone. Mine got fed up of it taking over our lives and as we used donor sperm we decided he didn't even need to cancel trips abroad for ec and I too felt a little left out to hear of all the other men going to scans while mine wasn't even there for ec. 

Lots of luck and wishing you a happy future together however things turn out, although obviously hoping he gets to be a dad after all 

Katxxx


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## Nosilab

Hello bnice

You are definitely not alone, although I do think we might be in a minority? I felt (and still feel) the same as you, in that it seems all the other ladies on here seem to have very supportive husbands who want a child just as much as they do. I've always felt quite 'singled out' in that sense. My DH is also a very lovely, gentle and kind man and I know he loves me very much. But he's always been very up front in his views on having a baby - and he's never wanted children. But because he's my husband and I love him I've always respected his honesty. I'm sure my family and friends get very frustrated with his reluctance and lack of enthusiasm. The bottom line is that my DH doesn't have a burning desire to become a parent unlike me. The only reason he's gone along with tx is because he loves me so much and he's seen how unhappy I've been with ttc. Don't get me wrong, he's been amazingly supportive when it's comes to my emotions and has looked after me but that's where it stops. He's not one of these husbands that you read about on here saying "we'll do what ever it takes to become parents", no, not at all. If I gave him the option of giving up on tx tomorrow and forgetting all about ttc he'd jump at the chance!! He's often asked "when is this going to come to an end?".

My DH has just turned 49 and feels he is very set in his ways and loves how his life is now and doesn't really want that to change, and also like your DH, feels like nothing is missing. On the other hand if we did have a baby I know he'd dote on him/her and be a great dad!

I've never felt people understood how I was feeling as everyone else seems to have a DH who desperately wants a baby and I've always felt quite sad that mine doesn't, so it was refreshing and reassuring to read your post.



Nordickat said:


> Your DH maybe has decided he would be happy childless but that is only on the condition that you are happy. He will be just as upset as you but maybe for different reasons. Your pain will be what hurts him most while your BFN hurts you.


This quote sums it up perfectly for me, my DH hasn't and doesn't grieve for our BFNs, but he is always so upset to see me sad and greiving.

I'm just starting out on my next cycle, and although DH is going along with it I know he's already worrying about a BFP. I'm obviously hoping for a BFP, but if I'm not lucky enough to get that on this cycle I'm hoping and  that we have some frozen embies that we can use, but I already know that DH isn't keen and wants this cycle to be the last - more than anything because of money. Whereas I'd be prepared to borrow more money to have another FET cycle - but then that's the difference between us I guess?!

Anyway, I've waffled on for long enough now, but just want to let you know I know how you feel.

Lots and LOTS of luck for this cycle and hope the rest of your 2ww goes well  xx


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## rosebud_05_99

hi
its kinda the opposite in my house dh really really wants children and it breaks my heart i have failed to give them to him, but at this stage im settled in my childless life and know what a huge change a baby would bring also with chronic back pain i know hw difficult pregnancy woud be for me, but i keep pushing on with cycle after cycle hoping and praying it works so i can give my husband what he wants more than anything ,the chance to be a wonderful father,i love him so much it breaks my heart seeing him so unhappy  
in saying all that i would love to be a mum, its a huge thing missing in my life and ive wanted nothing else since i got married i just think im so tired of all the failures right now im fed up of feeling like a failure and scared to death that i wont able to cope with much more of it.

rosebud


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## bnice

Thank you so much for your personal posts. I cant tell you how much better it makes me feel just to know that there are other couples here also going through similar issues in their relationship while continuing these treatments.  I am relieved to hear your stories, because people dont really talk about it i felt a bit alone in this situation and couldnt shake the feeling of having to be a little ashamed that my husband wasnt that into the whole IVF baby thing.
IVF is a big challenge in itself & carrying on day after day with it knowing your partner has a different view on it, makes it so much more challenging i think.  

To me it seems the situation is not much different to playing heads&tails with a coin: 2 people want a life together,  each has a different preference for your future together, there can only be one outcome in the end. So whatever happens in the end one of you will need to deal with the outcome and learn to compromise his/her ideals.. Its important to understand and agree to this before you start tossing the coin.  One thing i try to remember to tell myself when i start feeling really crappy towards my husband for not being more excited about it, is that in a way he is already compromising a bit from his side in agreeing that we did a few IVFs(think it might be unfair to expect him to be excited about it too!). So if it doesnt work in the end i'm the one who needs to try and except that the coin didnt go my way but at least he was willing to try. 

Rosebud, your honesty is admirable and i think whatever happens you can give yourself a pat on the back that you put yourself through all the IVF pains and bumps purely out of love for your husband. 

Nordickat & Nosilab what you said is so true. i think i underestimate the support he might be able to give me eventhough he wont be grieving about the BFN's. I have to say he has really been very supportive towards my feelings & tried to help where he could (..including massaging my prog injection bumps, whenever he was here for it).

Thanks for sharing ladies x


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## Nosilab

Good luck bnice, and am always happy to listen if you need a chat/rant   xx


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## galprincess

Hi honey
I had my first DS young and with an a**e and then i met my dp who is absolutely the best man ever in my eyes. We found out 5 years into our relationship we'd need ivf and he was very reluctant in fact buried head in sand and decided he wasnt going to do this!!!!
He is sweet, kind, loving, gentle would walk the earth for me but not IVF!!!!! i broke him in bit by bit we got info we talked to clinics but never committed then he said look if you want this lets do it, i was successful and although he was loving he made my pregnancy a nightmare and i was sure we wouldnt last and i felt awful as all i wanted was him and i to have a family well long story short i had our son in2010 and OMG he couldnt do enough for him it was like love at first sight he cried while he held him and i knew id made the right decision and then when our son got to 1 he proposed and asked me if we could do 1 last ivf i was ecstatic and we are currently pregnant so yes sometimes it does take the "bam heres your baby" for a man to actually realise he does want to be a fatherand yes it turns your world upside down but for the better too, you can still do all the things you did before just with an extra little person to enjoy the ride i so hope you get the ending that works for you both xxx


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## Marti24

Hi bnice,

My partner is quite the same - I just didn't want to admit it before for fear of being 'the only one' and making him sound utterly awful!

He's never said "I want a baby with you" as he feels putting those words Out There will jinx things but when I say "Do you want a baby" he says "yes".  

When I told him the doc said that I had to have IVF and I was seriously considering it, he said that the whole idea of the science of IVF scares and repulses him.  Once I'd explained that with PCOS there's no way I'd be getting preg naturally, he calmed down and was a little nicer and said that no matter what I decided, he'd support me - he then admitted that he felt that "Once you've got a baby, you'll ignore me and never want to touch me ever again" and him saying that made me cry, for wondering how he could think that of me and wondering if maybe as a child he saw the way his parents acted towards each other ... maybe his mum shunned his dad, who knows? 

He's had the blood tests and the semen analysis done without grumble but he doesn't actually *ask* me what's happening when I go to the Clinic and stupidly, I keep explanation to a minimum.  So silly of me I know.    


Urgh.  So sorry I have now turned this post from you to about me - but honestly, you aren't alone. 

x


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## helenj33

I feel like this too.  My OH is technically supportive - he's had the SA done (with poor results, which haven't helped), and he goes to the appts I tell him to etc.  If I ask him, he always says that he wants a baby.  But there just doesn't seem much enthusiam there.  I think a lot of it (as said in previous posts) is that he likes his life as it is now.  He's 40 and pretty much only has to worry about himself.  I do genuinely believe that he would like children, but I think he can also really see the benefits of it not happening.  Whereas I can't get my head around the thought of a child-free life at all.

As Marti says, "he doesn't actually *ask* me what's happening when I go to the Clinic and stupidly, I keep explanation to a minimum."  This is so true for me too.


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## bnice

When i first posted this i was a bit reluctant, because i felt a bit embarressed that i might be the only one on here feeling like this. I am so glad i did because i can see that there are quite a few of us in the similar situations. (So Marti24 this post _should_ be about you too! its about everyone sharing their stories. It makes things so much easier to deal with because you can feel a bit alone in this particularly so if you cant share all with your partner.

Well 3 days ago I had my test, and unfortunately none of my 3 blasts implanted. I had a very sad 2 days after, now i just feel numb..strange, so not sure whats going on with me at the moment. I havent really thought about the future plans now, as i was secretly so sure this one was going to work. I guess things will get a bit clearer in my head over the next few weeks.

I just wanted to thank you all for being so lovely and sharing your stories, it helps so much.

X


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## Nosilab

Bnice, I'm so sorry to hear about your 3 blasts    Hope you're able to take a bit of time out for yourself to gather your thoughts and come to terms with your news, such a heartbreaking and awful time, sending hugs  

I'm glad you posted too, it was a relief to read your post, and everyone elses as it made me realise that I'm not the only one with a reluctant DH.

Take care bnice, xx


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## suzymc

bnice - so so sorry to hear about your BFN. I know how heart breaking it is and how hard it can be to pick yourself up and try again or move on.
i also wanted to say you're not alone! I am often moaning about my DH. It's been a really long road with mine getting him to change how he is and join me with everything i am making the effort to do.
all i can say is men are stubborn and by the sounds of it yours is too. sometimes we have to make things sound like their idea. mine refused to take vitamins for months. but i kept planting seeds of doubt in his head that maybe his sperm wasn't so magical afterall and now he happily takes vitamins everyday. which is quite an achievement i can tell you. he still drinks alcohol and refuses to give it up. he thinks cutting back 2 weeks prior to EC is enough, i tell him he needs to put in more effort and that it has to last for 3 months but again he refuses to accept it has to be 3 months. he drives me insane.
so we're off for our 4th cycle in Nov. I don't hold out much hope. no matter what i do he can never put in as much effort. 
he often tells people he's not as bothered as i am and that he's doing this for me. we also are the best of friends too but this really does put a strain on our relationship.
sometimes i want us to be us again, but my desire to have a baby is stronger than that right now.
i hope you can both get on again and move forward.
Suzy x


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