# IS THIS NORMAL AFTER A bfn?



## ~*mRsHoPe*~ (Jan 25, 2006)

hi ladies,
I thought I would post here as I am I think whats called in limbo with tx at the moment and I am finding it so hard to cope.
To start I will say we have on the 16th July had a BFN on our first IVF, and we now have two frosties, which we are hoping to use asap.
since our BFN, I have felt my relationship deteriorate and I have been picking on little things that dp does to cause arguement.
We have just come home from a long weekened break to get away from it all at Butlins of all places, I chose butlins (forgetting summer holidays) unknowingly as I dont have my own children its not the first thought in my head. 
it was rammed packed with babies and children and I spent most of the weekend close to tears, I noticed a few times how scott was gazing at the tiny babies, and tho in my heart I went to try and act silly, young and to get back to our youth, I ended up feeling old and unhappy for most of the time, I just been thinking that perhaps its not going to happen for us and that we are wasting our time.
I feel that my irrational behavior towards dp is obviously the BFN as we were fine for years before that, I just cant seem to get the feeling of unease to go away, and the overwhelming feelings of sadness. is this normal? 
we are now waiting for AF to arrive to book us on the next cycle for a FET, then after that I dont know.
I just suppose want to know these feelings are normal after a negative result.
Love Hope XX


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## Alisha (Jun 5, 2006)

Hi Hope
just wanted to say it is normal and sorry about the bfn, I too got that a few weeks ago on our 1st ivf. I had a couple of weeks feeling very sad (ff website was down too)You are from being old! young lady   . Me and dp have had our ups and downs over the last month and the drugs also play an important part of that! Sometimes I was just ranting and raving over the smallest thing. I had to ban myself with starting sentences beginning with Don't . . . We've just come back from a week camping and like you one of the sites was heaving with children, babies and pregnant women. I seemed to have noticed more than ever the last couple of weeks, some parents/minders yelling at their kids over nothing and wondering do they know how lucky they are? 
I think your dp is probably feeling as sad about it as you are, that's what my dp said. Give him a big   and say you're sorry. Give yourselves time and talk about it.
Best of luck with the FET  
Alisha x


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## MissTC (May 8, 2006)

Hiya Hope my lovely lady
Sorry to hear you are so down and having a hard time of it honey.  Fancy choosing Butlins to go away! You silly moo       DP and I went camping to Beadnell Bay in Chathill, Northumberland.  The place was gorgeous, but as you said about Butlins, with it being Summer holidays there were childrens/families/babies everywhere!!!  Oh the nightmare of IF.  It haunts us all honey.
I really hope you and your DH manage to sort things out sweetheart, the thing with men is that they tend to "forget" how badly we are feeling, totally unintentionally but they do forget all the same.  I know Baz was gutted at our last BFN, but after a couple of days he shoved it wherever men shove these things and to be honest, I get really annoyed cos sometimes I think he just doesn't care any more!  I know in more rational moments that this just isn't true, it's just their way of coping.
Am always here for you if you need to talk honey.  Sending you much love and loads of    
Tracy
xxxxxxxxx
PS - hope to catch you in chat soon xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Catb33 (Aug 1, 2006)

Hope -   I was the same after my first ICSI bfn, though thankfully we didn't go anywhere like Butlins. I don't know if it was because that was our only shot on the NHS (and we didn't know if we could afford to go on) and we'd put all our hopes on that cycle being successful, but I was completely out of it for ages. Poor DH couldn't do or say anything - and he's so lovely he didn't deserve any of the grief I gave him - without me jumping down his throat. It came to a head around Xmas when I wanted to rip his head off because he'd left a pair of shoes out (luckily he was out with the dog at the time and I calmed down before he got back) at which point I decided to go to the doctors for help. I didn't want to go on anti depressants so was referred for counselling. 

It took a while to come through but it's made a massive difference to how I feel about IF and how I relate to dh. It's a strange experience but has let me talk through my issues with an impartial person and also shown me that although I've not suffered mc or lost a child, it's still a valid loss which needs to be grieved for. This time round, although we had another bfn we are able to talk to each other about it which brings us closer. Strangely this time I'm more with it, and dh is taking it hard. We're at different places with regards more treatment in the future but we're not hiding anything from each other and so find it easier to cope and support each other. 

I hope you and dh are able to work things through. Take some time out, talk to each other and then see where you are. You also have to remember that you've been taking all sorts of hormones and other drugs over a long period and your body will have to adjust to them leaving your system. 

Cathie x


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## SpookedOut (Mar 18, 2005)

Hi hope, I was so sorry to see you're feeling down right now. I think you are completely normal. You have just experienced a major disappointment in your life and your brain is trying to assimilate what this means for you and your partner and your life together. My humble opinion is that people don't really understand the full implications of infertility unless and until they've had their first BFN. That's when the reality starts to really sink in that this isn't just a blip, but a potentially very major problem that we MIGHT not be able to solve. Of course the potential consequences of us failing to solve our problem from time to time jump up into our consciousness (i.e childlessness) and make us afraid and edgy! We can forget about it for a while, but increasingly, it can be bubbling away in our subconscious. That's what gives you your feeling of sadness. 

Then there is the inevitable problem of our d/h. You heard the phrase men are from mars and women are from venus? Well, never is it more true than when watching how the sexes cope with this problem. Men are fixers, but they can't fix this so they inevitably end up burying their head in the sand about it. But you two have been together for a good while and hopefully, when you feel a bit more calm (pick your moment), you'll feel able to let him know how you feel and let him know that you still care for him but are struggling to cope with your feelings right now. I'm sure he'll respond by giving you a big hug and help you get through this. 

It must have been so utterly horrid for you to go away and be in such a child centred environment so soon after your first BFN. I find these places hard always, but right after a result must have been excruciating for you. This is just a practical lesson for the future - go on holidays that only couples can really go on and enjoy - trips to Paris, long haul holidays, mountain climbing, absailing etc etc, you get the drift?? 

There is nothing anyone can say to take away your sadness. But you're not alone on this board and the fantastic girls on here will be able to support you as you travel on your journey to your dream. I'll keep a watch out for you and keep all my fingers and toes crossed!

As a girl on ff who is much wiser than me once said "the darkest hour is just before the dawn". 

Take care

SpookedOut


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## ~*mRsHoPe*~ (Jan 25, 2006)

thanks for your kind words girls!
Oh I am so upset today, 
just been for lunch with my friend and her baby (ten months) and she was whining that she wanted a baby sitter, I offered and her partner said no its ok, well you know you dont know what its like she doesnt sleep through the night and well she cries and that your not used to it you will not cope. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
just because I dont have children doesnt mean I am unable to look after a baby, I am so hurt.
they know all about our IVF and that I cant believe they dont think I am capable!! 
I give up IF sucks!!!
going to finish my essay now
thanks for letting me rant lol!
love hope XX


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## saphy75 (Mar 15, 2004)

Hope you rant away hun, how awfull well done for not smacking him in the mouth  you will make an excellent mummy when the time comes

pam xx


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