# How many referrees



## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

are needed to apply to adopt? and how many can be family?

TIA


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

We're just looking into things at the moment and finding the idea of referees a problem already. We're fairly private people and really don't feel we want to impose on friends for this.


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Family are supportive and as they are the ones immediately involved in my view they are the most important thing. Most of my family don't even live in this country.They can contact whoever they want workwise though as my career was never anything to do with children not sure they could add anything of value to the mix. Presently don't work as gave it up for the whole fertility thing and would be a stay at home mum anyway (which again would have thought should make me ideal).  We ca't proceed at present as recently had IVF anyway just wanted to stat getting some ducks in a row so to speak.


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## thespouses (Jan 5, 2006)

Do you do any work with children e.g. volunteering? Or look after friends' kids? If not, now's the time to start, and I got a nice reference from a Brownie leader I'd done volunteering with and who became a good friend, which was perfect.


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## Doofuz (Mar 9, 2008)

We asked my H's parents, my mum, someone who has known me all my life and someone who H and I have known since the beginning of us. Then I asked a few really close friends if they could write a character reference without worrying that SW will need to speak to them. The references really helped and are a lovely keepsake too. Our friends were chuffed to be asked


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Our agency said people really surprise you and tend to be upset if they aren't the 'chosen ones' to be references. Our LA wants 3 one family 2 not family. However they are likely to want to 'chat' with other close family who will be involved. 

All that said be realistic and think who will come across well. We know some people would find it extremely stressful so wouldn't ask them. It is hard because this journey does tend to cut you off from friends a lot due to the emotional difficulties you face that they simply don't understand. Our references also have to have known you both well for 5 years. This is harder than you think as most modern couples have quite separate friends that predate the relationship. I relocated for DH so am good friends with most of his friends wives however if I had stayed near my family and friends this probably wouldn't be the case to be honest so I do sympathize. 

Best thing be honest if you struggle to meet what they want and ask SW to work round it with you / make suggestions. Good luck


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## MummyPea (Jun 11, 2012)

We have to have 6 referees but they only have to have known us for 2 years. I think that may be more because hubby and I have only been married for 3 years, together for 5 so would be hard to find people who have known us jointly for over 5 years except family.


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Thanks everyone. My main worry is making sure family are involved because they want to be. In friends terms our closest friends have al gone a moved off to exotic places Australia and Saudi mainly which may make things difficult and as someone says I know some people would find it too stressful. Equally some as nice as they are couldn't really comment on much of use as I have some diverse friends who aren't really the family type.

Am def planning to look into some voluntary work as not done any with kids since school and Uni (I did nursery then plus Riding for the Disabled) but all a very long time ago now. Was thinking about doing the contact centre thing and seeing if there are any schools that need people to read with the kids or whatever - any ideas appreciated.

Anyway took a big step today and called a VA in the area to egt some info sent out, she seemed quite positive which was nice so fingers crossed. I really do think we'd be great parents I just think perhps IVf has taken more of a toll on my confidence than I first thought. Again any ideas appreciated.

Thankyou


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## someday (Sep 11, 2008)

We don't have family in the UK so sw said 3 friends who knew us both well would be fine. We chose 3 couples who had been on our TTC journey with us. We offered sw could speak to family but she never took us up on this.


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Ah sweetie IVF knocks you for six doesn't it  . Makes you feel rubbish and takes your confidence however in general adoption is (although can't promise) a way more positive experience. It is really hard but it's more of a up hill race than having to find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Work hard and prepare and there will be a family at the end for you. x x


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

We had to have 3 references for our LA, 2 friends and 1 family.  We chose my mum and 2 of my closest friends who had known us as a couple since we got together.  They were all really pleased to do it and I know one friend would never have forgiven me if I hadn't asked her! 

I've read of some SW's doing phone interviews if people live too far away so don't discount friends if they live abroad, you never know xx


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Right lovely ladies I would really appreciate some ideas on how to get voluntary work with nursery age kiddies. Have drawn a blank locally as they only use mums (nice to hear that etc). I have found a contact centre who may want people so will try that but any other ideas would really be appreciated.

Maisy


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## MummyAuntieKatie (Oct 18, 2012)

Try these peeps, I found a nice volunteering role when we started home study. http://www.do-it.org.uk


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Thanks Katie, did have a look at these guys but as we live in a rural type area they didn't have anything remotely local   Have found a localish church that have nursery so will try them. Wonered if I should start doing some prep stuff on the village and child faciities and stuff, would that be helpful for soc worker to see or will they think I'm an annoying over keen wendy?


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Do it SW asks you to do that during home study so having it started or done can only be a good thing x


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Hi Maisy - I'm going to contact our local infant school and see if they need volunteers for lunchtime reading and also my gym has a crèche so I'm in the midst of getting something sorted with them. When we saw the SW she said twice per months a gym crèche & twice per months a school would be sufficient. I know lots scouts & brownies are always after help, but hubby and I didn't want to commit to one night a week every week for the next 9 months or so - hence lunchtimes are good for me as I can have a slightly longer lunch break once a week. 

Re your local nursery - do you know a 'mum' who can put in a good word for you to get some experience?  Your local church might have a Sunday school too that requires help? It quite hard isn't finding something local wants volunteers. Also, what about increasing the contact you have with friends children and having them for weekend sleepover etc? We are having our friends over with their 3 kids for a few w/e - and hubby and I will take kids our for the days whilst my friend & her hubby chill at our!


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Hi Lizard, thing is most of my friends kids are older as in like well old as in twenty!!  I imagine there would be a few raised eyebrows if I started asking for people to lend me their sons for sleepovers  . Didn't think about the gym, good call, mine has a creche too so may be worth askinhg, ta for that. I also wondered about surestart centres but not really sure what they do any thoughts?

Oh and sorry everyoen I ask millions of questions, so may well drive everyone mad, apologies in advance

a v grateful Maisy x


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## Mummy DIY Diva (Feb 18, 2012)

Sure start offer family support.  Generally have a crèches and lots of groups like baby massage, toddler story and music, Dad's abd kids etc. It would be a really good place to ask they are local authority run so should be keen to help adopters on their journey x x


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## Maisyz (Dec 15, 2010)

Just had a looksy and one in our localisy area does paediatric first aid courses so have been cheeky and emailed them to see if they have opportunities and if we could maybe sidle onto a course too. I am a Maisy on a mission   Hope all going well for you x


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## Lizard39 (Nov 25, 2011)

Maisy - you have made my chuckle re sleepovers!   Let us know how you get on with the gym crèche and sure start xx


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